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diff --git a/35294-h/35294-h.htm b/35294-h/35294-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c109a20 --- /dev/null +++ b/35294-h/35294-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,9035 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Wife's Duty, by Mrs. Opie.</title> +<style type="text/css"> + body {background:#fdfdfd; + color:black; + font-size: large; + margin-top:100px; + margin-left:15%; + margin-right:15%; + text-align:justify; } + h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 {text-align: center; } + hr.narrow { width: 40%; + text-align: center; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; } + hr.minimal { width: 25%; + text-align: center; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; } + hr.tiny { width: 10%; + text-align: center; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; } + hr { width: 100%; } + hr.full { width: 100%; + margin-top: 3em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + height: 3px; + border-width: 4px 0 0 0; /* remove all borders except the top one */ + border-style: solid; + border-color: #000000; + clear: both; } + blockquote { font-size: large; margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5% } + table {font-size: large; } + table.sm {font-size: medium; } + td.w50 { width: 50%; } + p {text-indent: 3%; } + p.noindent { text-indent: 0%; } + .caption { font-size: small; + font-weight: bold; } + .center { text-align: center; } + img { border: 0; } + .figleft { float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0em; margin-bottom: 0em; margin-top: + 0em; margin-right: 0.5em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + .ind1 { margin-left: 1em; } + .ind2 { margin-left: 2em; } + ins { text-decoration: none; border-bottom: thin dotted gray;} + .nowrap { white-space: nowrap; } + .right { text-align: right; } + .small { font-size: 70%; } + .smallcaps { font-variant: small-caps; } + .wide { letter-spacing: .15em; } + a:link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:red; + text-decoration: underline; } + pre {font-size: 70%; } +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Wife's Duty, by Amelia Alderson Opie + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Wife's Duty + A Tale + +Author: Amelia Alderson Opie + +Release Date: February 15, 2011 [EBook #35294] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WIFE'S DUTY *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<h1>A WIFE'S DUTY.</h1> +<p> </p> +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="Illustration"> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <a href="images/frontis.png"> + <img src="images/frontis.png" height="330" + alt="FRONTISPIECE" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <span class="caption">Dearest Helen! why should we ever leave this paradise of sweets?<br /> +Click to <a href="images/frontis.png">ENLARGE</a></span> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +</div> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="Illustration"> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <a href="images/tp.png"> + <img src="images/tp.png" height="500" + alt="TITLE PAGE" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <span class="caption"><br /> +A view between Paris and Marseilles</span> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +</div> +<p> </p> +<hr class="narrow" /> +<p> </p> +<h2>A WIFE'S DUTY,</h2> +<p> </p> +<h4>A TALE.</h4> +<p> </p> +<h2>BY MRS. OPIE.</h2> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="quotation"> +<tr><td align="left">"There is no killing like that which kills the heart."<span class="ind2"> </span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right"><span class="smallcaps">Shakspeare.</span></td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<h4>LONDON:</h4> +<h5><span class="wide">PUBLISHED BY GROVE AND SON,</span></h5> +<h6>TRINITY STREET, SOUTHWARK.</h6> +<h4>1847.</h4> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h3><span class="wide">A WIFE'S DUTY,</span></h3> +<h6>BEING A CONTINUATION OF A</h6> +<h3><span class="wide">"WOMAN'S LOVE."</span></h3> + +<h6>PART THE SECOND.</h6> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 110px;"> +<img src="images/dropi.png" width="110" alt="I" title="I" /></div><div class="noindent">am only too painfully aware, my +dear friend, that in my history of +a "Woman's Love," I have related +none but very common occurrences +and situations, and entered into +minute, nay, perhaps, uninteresting +details. Still, however common +an event may be, it is susceptible of variety +in description, because endlessly various is the +manner in which the same event affects different +persons. Perhaps no occurrence ever affected two +human beings exactly in the same manner; but +as the rays of light call forth different hues and +gradations of colour, according to the peculiar +surfaces of the objects on which they fall, so common +circumstances vary in their results and their +effects, according to the different natures and minds +of those to whom they occur.</div> + +<p>My trials have been, and will no doubt continue +to be, the trials of thousands of my sex; but the +manner in which I acted under them, and their +effect on my feelings and my character, must be +peculiar to myself. And on these alone I can +presume to found my expectation of affording to +you, while you read, the variety which keeps +attention alive, and the interest which repays it.</p> + +<p>In the same week which made me a bride +Ferdinand De Walden left England, unable to +remain near the spot which had witnessed the +birth of his dearest hopes, and would now witness +the destruction of them.</p> + +<p>I could have soothed in a degree the "pangs +of despised love," by assuring him that I was +convinced nothing but a prior attachment could +have prevented my heart from returning his love. +I could have told him that I seemed to myself to +have two hearts; the one glowing with passionate +tenderness for the object of its first feelings, the +other conscious of a deep-rooted and well-founded +esteem for him. But it was my duty to conceal +this truth from him, as such an avowal would +have strengthened my hold on his remembrance, +and it was now become his duty to forget.</p> + +<p>My mother not very long after my marriage +wounded my feelings in a manner which I could +not soon recover. I was speaking of De Walden +with that warmth of regard which I really felt for +him, and lamenting that I should probably now +see him no more, when, with a look of agony for +which I was not prepared, she begged me never +to mention the name of De Walden to her again; +for that her only chance of being able to reconcile +herself to the marriage which I had made, was +her learning to forget the one which she had so +ardently desired.</p> + +<p>Eagerly indeed did I pledge my word to her, +that I would in future never name De Walden.</p> + +<p>The first twelve months of my wedded life were +halcyon days; and the first months of marriage +are not often such,—perhaps they never are, except +where the wedded couple are so young that they +are not trammelled in habits which are likely to +interfere with a spirit of accommodation; nor +even then, probably, unless the temper is good +and yielding on both sides. It usually takes some +time for the husband and wife to know each other's +humours and habits, and to find out what surrender +of their own they can make with the least +reluctance for their mutual good. But we had +youth, and (I speak it not as a boast) we had +good temper also. Seymour, you know, was +proverbially good-natured; and I, though an +only child, had not had my naturally happy +temper ruined by injudicious indulgence.</p> + +<p>You know that Seymour and I went to Paris, +and thence to Marseilles, not very long after we +were married, and returned in six months, to +complete the alterations which we had ordered to +be made to our house, under the superintendence +of my mother.</p> + +<p>We found our alterations really deserving the +name of improvements, and Seymour enthusiastically +exclaimed, "O Helen! never, never will +we leave this enchanting place. Here let us live, +my beloved, and be the world to each other!"</p> + +<p>My heart readily assented to this delightful +proposition, but even then my judgement revolted +at it.</p> + +<p>I felt, I knew that Pendarves loved and was +formed for society. I was sure that by beginning +our wedded life with total seclusion, we should +only prepare the way for utter distaste to it; and +concealing my own inclinations, I told him I must +stipulate for three months of London every spring. +My husband started with surprise and mortification +at this un-romantic reply to his sentimental proposal, +nor could he at all accede to it; but he +complained of my passion for London to my mother, +while the country with me for his companion was +quite sufficient for his happiness.</p> + +<p>"These are early times yet," replied my mother +coldly; and Seymour was not satisfied with the +mother or the daughter.</p> + +<p>"Seymour," said I one day, "since you have +declared against keeping any more terms, and +will therefore not read much law till you become +a justice of the peace, pray, tell me how you +mean to employ yourself?"</p> + +<p>"Why, in the first place," said he, "I shall +read or write. But my first employment shall be +to teach you Spanish. I cannot endure to think +that De Walden taught you Italian, Helen."</p> + +<p>"But you taught me to love, you know, therefore +you ought to forgive it."</p> + +<p>"No, I cannot rest till I also have helped to +complete your education."</p> + +<p>"Well, but I cannot be learning Spanish all +day."</p> + +<p>"No; so perhaps I shall set about writing a +great work."</p> + +<p>"The very thing that I was going to propose, +though not exactly a great work. What think you +of a life of poor Chatterton, with critical remarks +on his poems?"</p> + +<p>"Excellent! I will do it."</p> + +<p>And now having given him a pursuit, I ventured +to indulge some reasonable hopes that home +and the country might prove to him as delightful +as he fancied that they would be; and what with +studying Spanish, with building a green-house, +with occasional writing, with study, with getting +together materials for this life, and writing the +preface, time fled on very rapid pinions; and +after we had been married two years, and +May arrived a second time, Seymour triumphantly +exclaimed, "There, Helen! I believe that you +distrusted my love for the country; but have I +once expressed or felt a wish to go to London?"</p> + +<p>"The ides of March are come, but not gone," +I replied; "and surely if I wish to go, you will +not deny me."</p> + +<p>"No, Helen, certainly not," said he in a tone +of mortification; "if I am no longer all-sufficient +for your happiness."</p> + +<p>Alas! in the ingenuousness of my nature, I +gave way when he said this to the tenderness of +my heart, and assured him that my happiness +depended wholly on the enjoyment of his society; +and I fear it is too true that men soon learn to +slight what they are sure of possessing. Had I +been an artful woman, and could I have +condescended to make him doubtful of the extent of +my love, by a few woman's subterfuges; could I +have feigned a desire to return to the world, instead +of owning, as I did, that all my enjoyment was +comprised in home and him; I do think that I +might have been for a much longer period the +happiest of wives; but then I should have been, +in my own eyes, despicable as a woman, and I was +always tenacious of my own esteem.</p> + +<p>May was come, but not gone—when I found +my husband was continually reading to me, after +having previously read to himself, the accounts in +the papers of the gaieties of London.</p> + +<p>"What a tempting account this is, Helen, of +the Exhibition at Somerset House!—I should like +to see it. Seeing pictures is an elegant rational +amusement. And here are soon to be a ball and +supper at Ranelagh. A fine place Ranelagh for +such an entertainment."</p> + +<p>Here he read a list of routs and cotillion balls at +different places; but one day he read, with infinite +mortification, that our uncle, Mr. Pendarves, had +given a ball on the return of his son-in-law to +Parliament.</p> + +<p>"How abominable," cried Seymour, "for my +uncle to give a ball, and not invite us to go up +to it!"</p> + +<p>"You forget," replied I, "that, knowing our +passion for the country, and that we had abjured +the world, he did not like to ask us, because he +knew he should be refused."</p> + +<p>"I am not so sure he would have been refused, +Helen; or, as to having abjured the world—No, +no; we are not such fools as to do that—are we, +my dearest girl?"</p> + +<p>"We are bound by no vows, certainly; and, +as soon as retirement is become irksome to you, +we can go to London."</p> + +<p>"Did I say that retirement was grown irksome? +Oh, fie! such an idea never entered my thoughts: +besides, as this fine ball is over, what should we +go to London for?"</p> + +<p>"There may be other fine balls, and fine parties, +you know."</p> + +<p>"True; but really, Helen, I begin to believe +you wish to go to London."</p> + +<p>"If you do, I do certainly."</p> + +<p>"I!—Not I indeed. Ah, Helen! I suspect you +are not ingenuous with me; and you do wish +to go."</p> + +<p>I only smiled: but I soon found that the book +did not get forward, that the newspapers were +anxiously expected, and that my Spanish master +sometimes forgot his task in the indulgence of +reverie; and I debated within myself, whether it +would not be for our interest and our domestic +comfort, to propose to go to London, in order to +conceal from him as long as I could that I was +not sufficient for his happiness; and that he would +live and die a man of the world. I was the more +ready to do this, because I wished that my mother +should not see my empire was on the decline. +Why did I so wish? I hoped it was because I +was desirous to spare her any anxiety for my +peace; but I fear it also was because I did not +like that she should have cause to suspect her +choice for me was likely to have proved a better +one than my own. (I believe I have observed +before, how strong my conviction is, that there is +scarcely such a thing in nature as a single motive +of action.)</p> + +<p>I therefore, in the presence of my mother, hinted +a wish to go to London for six weeks. She +started, and looked suspiciously at Pendarves; +while he, with an odd mixture of surprise, joy, +and mortification in his countenance, exclaimed—</p> + +<p>"Do I hear right, Helen? Are you, after all +you have declared, desirous of going to London?"</p> + +<p>"I am: 'Variety is charming,' says the proverb; +and here you know it is <i>toujours perdrix</i>!"</p> + +<p>"Well, there, madam," said Pendarves, turning +to my mother, "you will now, I hope, believe +what I assured you of some time ago, that Helen +had a passion for London?"</p> + +<p>"<i>C'est selon</i>," replied my mother, "to use a +French phrase, in answer to Helen's," and darting, +as she spoke, a penetrating glance at me.</p> + +<p>"I assure you," replied I, "that my wish to +go to London originates with myself, as I believe +that this journey to the metropolis is the +wisest, as well as the most agreeable thing I could +desire."</p> + +<p>My mother sighed; and a "Well, my child, I +have no reason to doubt your word," broke languidly +from her lips, while she suddenly rose and +left the room.</p> + +<p>"And are you really in earnest, Helen?" said +Pendarves.</p> + +<p>"Never more so; and unless my proposal is +very distasteful to you, I beg you will write +directly, and engage lodgings."</p> + +<p>"Distasteful! oh, no! quite the contrary. I +shall be proud to exhibit my lovely wife in London, +where, no doubt, she will be as much admired as +she was abroad.—Do you think," he affectionately +added, "that I have forgotten the exquisite pleasure +I experienced at seeing you the object of +general attraction wherever you moved?"</p> + +<p>This was said and felt kindly; still it did not +inspire me with that confidence which it seemed +likely to inspire; for I, though I was conscious of +my husband's personal beauty, had no vanity to +gratify in exhibiting him to the London world. +I had no wish to be the most envied of women, it +was sufficient for me to know that I was the happiest; +and I thought that, if Pendarves loved as +truly as I did, the consciousness of his happiness +would have been sufficient for him. Still, I am +well aware how wrong it is to judge the love of +others according to our own capability of loving. +As well, and as justly, might we confine beauty, +or the power of pleasing, to one cast of features or +complexion. All persons love after a manner of +their own; and woe must befal the man or woman +who expects to be loved according to their own +way and their own degree of loving, without any +consideration for the different character and different +feelings of the beloved object.</p> + +<p>"How absurd I am!" said I to myself, after I +had shed some weak tears in the solitude of my +chamber, because Pendarves did not love me, I +found, as I loved him. "How absurd! True, +he delights in the idea of exhibiting me, and I +have no wish to exhibit him. After all, he loves +more generously than I do, and my selfishness is +nothing to be proud of."</p> + +<p>Thus I reasoned with myself, and tried to fortify +my mind to bear the cares and the dangers which +I had, on principle, provoked.</p> + +<p>"One word, Helen," said my mother, when she +was alone with me after what had passed relative +to my projected journey: "Are you sure, my +dear child, that in urging your husband to go to +London you have acted wisely?"</p> + +<p>"As sure as the consciousness of my bounded +vision of futurity can allow me to be. I thought +it better to forestal my husband's wishes than to +wait for the expression of them."</p> + +<p>"If not better, it was less mortifying," replied +my quick-sighted parent; and we said no more +on the subject.</p> + +<p>In three days' time we had lodgings procured +for us near Hanover Square; and on the fourth +day from that on which I made known my wishes, +we set off for London. But how different were +the feelings of my husband and myself on the +occasion! He was all joy and pleased expectation, +unmixed with any painful regret or any anxious +fears. But I left, for some time, a tenderly beloved +mother, and the scene of tranquil and certain +enjoyment. I was going, I knew, to encounter, +probably, the influence of rivals, both in men and +women, in my husband's attentions, and the dangerous +power of long and early associations. And +how did I know but that into a renewal of +intimacy with his former associates I was not bringing +my husband? But I had done what I thought +right; and if I had presumptuously acted on the +dictates of human wisdom alone, I prayed, fervently +prayed, that the divine wisdom would take +pity on my weakness, and avert the courted and +impending evil.</p> + +<p>I was many miles on my journey before I could +drive from my mind the recollection of my mother's +countenance when we parted. It did not alone +express sorrow to part with me: it indicated +anxiety, foreboding of evil to happen before we +met again; and it required all my husband's enlivening +gaiety and fascinating powers to revive +my drooping spirits. His gaiety, I must own, +however, depressed rather than enlivened me at +first; for I was mortified to see with what delight +he anticipated our return to the great world: but, +as I had no ill-tempered feelings to oppose to the +influence of his buoyant hilarity and his winning +charm of manner, they at length subdued my +depression, and imparted to me their own pleasant +cheerfulness.</p> + +<p>"Dear, dear London!" cried Pendarves as our +horses' hoofs first rattled on its pavement, "Dear +London! how I love thee! for here I was first +convinced how fondly Helen loved me!" So +saying, he pressed me to his heart, and a feeling +of revived confidence stole over mine.</p> + +<p>We found my uncle and Mrs. Pendarves still in +London; but I did not feel as rejoiced on the +occasion as they and my husband did. The latter +was glad because he had in them proper protectors +for his wife, whenever he was obliged to leave me; +and the former, because they had really an affection +for us. But I knew so much of Mrs. Pendarves, +by the description I had heard of her from +Lady Helen and my mother, and what I had observed +myself, that I dreaded being exposed to her +home truths and her indiscreet communications.</p> + +<p>It was not long before we found ourselves completely +in the vortex of a London life. And as, +for the most part, my husband's engagements and +mine were the same, I lost the gloomy forebodings +with which I left home, and even lost my fears of +Mrs. Pendarves.</p> + +<p>One day Pendarves told me he was going to +dine with an old friend of his, Maurice Witred; +but, as I was not going out, he hoped to be back +to drink tea with me; but I expected him in vain, +and he did not return till bed-time.</p> + +<p>He told me he was sorry to have disappointed +me; but his friend had prevailed on him to go to +the play. This excuse was so sufficient, and his +wish to accompany Mr. Witred so natural, that I +should have had no misgiving whatever had I not +observed a certain degree of constraint in his +manner, and a consciousness as if he had not told +me all. However, I was satisfied with the alleged +cause of his absence, and I slept as soundly as +usual. But the next morning came Mrs. Pendarves, +saying she was glad to find me alone. She +told me she had met my husband, and she had +given him such a set to! (to use her own elegant +phrase.)</p> + +<p>"And wherefore?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! for going to the play with Maurice +Witred and his lady."</p> + +<p>"Lady! I did not know he was married."</p> + +<p>"He is not married; and it was very wrong, +and had an ill-appearance for a young, married +man to be seen in public, though it was in a private +box, with a profligate man and his mistress. +I thought he would not tell you; but I was resolved +you should know it, that you might scold +him with 'the grave rebuke of a severe youthful +beauty and a grace.'"</p> + +<p>I did not reply, even to assure her I was better +pleased that she should scold my husband than +that I should do it myself; for I knew she was +incorrigible, and her communication had thrown +me into a painful reverie; for I found that Pendarves +had begun to practise disingenuousness and +concealment with me, and in the most dangerous +way; for he had concealed only half the truth; +by which means persons make a sort of compromise +with their integrity, and lay a salvo to their +consciences; for they fancy they are not lying, +though they are certainly deceiving; whereas, if +they tell a downright lie, they, at least, <span class="smallcaps">know</span> +they are sinning, and may be led by conscious +shame into amendment. But there is no hope +for those who thus delude themselves; and as +<i>ce n'est que le prémier pas qui coute</i>, I felt that +I had lost some of my confidence in my husband's +sincerity. Alas! when perfect confidence between +man and wife is once destroyed, there is an end to +perfect happiness! But I tried to shake off my +abstraction; and I listened as well as I could to +my talkative companion, whose passion was to +give advice, that troublesome but common propensity +in weak people; and like such persons, she +was always boasting of the advice she had given, +that which she would give, or of the dressings +and <i>set-tos</i> which she had bestowed, or meant to +bestow. At length, however, much to my relief +she went away, and not long after Pendarves +returned.</p> + +<p>"So," said he, "I find Mrs. Pendarves has +been with you, and suppose (blushing as he spoke) +that she has been telling tales of me?"</p> + +<p>"And of herself," I replied, smiling as unconcernedly +as I could; "for she owns to the +presumption of having given you a <i>set-to</i>, as she +calls it."</p> + +<p>"Yes: but I suppose she told you the cause?"</p> + +<p>"No doubt."</p> + +<p>"And do you think it deserved so severe a +lecture?"</p> + +<p>"I think it was not right in a respectable married +man to seem to give his countenance to such +a connexion as the one in question; and I suspect +that you are of the same opinion."</p> + +<p>"I am; but why do you think so?"</p> + +<p>"From conceit; because I believe that fear of +my censure made you conceal from me what you +had done."</p> + +<p>"True, most true—and my repugnance to tell +you all proved to me still more how wrong that +all was."</p> + +<p>"My dearest Seymour," I replied, "believe +me, that not all which you can communicate to +me can ever distress me so much as my consciousness +of your want of ingenuousness, and of your +telling only half the truth can do. I saw by your +manner something was wrong, and I shall ever +bless the weak indiscretion of Mrs. Pendarves, +because it led to this salutary explanation; and I +trust that the next time you go with Mr. Witred +and his lady to the play, you will mention both."</p> + +<p>"But I shall <i>never</i> go with them again," eagerly +replied my husband, "as you, Helen think it +improper."</p> + +<p>"But I may be too rigid in my ideas; and I beg +you to be ruled by your own judgment, rather than +mine. All I ask is, to be told the whole truth."</p> + +<p>Pleasant to my feelings then, and dear to my +recollection since, is the look of tenderness and +approbation which Pendarves gave me as I spoke +these words; and when he left me, peace and +confidence seemed restored to my mind.</p> + +<p>The next evening was the fashionable night for +Ranelagh, and my husband and I, who dined out, +were to accompany a large party to that scene of +gay resort.</p> + +<p>Ranelagh was the place for tall women to appear +to advantage in. Little women, however beautiful, +were likely to be unnoticed in that circling crowd; +but, even unattended with beauty, height and a +good carriage of the person were sure to be noticed +there. The pride which Pendarves took in my +appearance was never so fully gratified as at Ranelagh; +for while I leaned upon him, I used to +feel my arm pressed gently to his side as he heard +or saw the admiration which my lofty stature (to +speak modestly) excited. This evening as I was +quite a new face in the splendid round, I was +even followed as well as gazed at; and I was not +sorry when our carriage was announced, though +I was flattered on my own account, and pleased +on my husband's; for I was eager to escape from +some particularly impertinent starers, especially +as I found that Pendarves was disposed to resent +the freedom with which some men of high rank +thought themselves privileged to follow and to +look at me. Before we separated, some of the +party proposed that we should meet again at +Ranelagh on the next night but one, and while I +hesitated, my husband exclaimed, "No mock +modesty, Helen; no declining an opportunity, +which you must enjoy, of being admired. So, +pray tell our friends you gladly accede to their +proposal."</p> + +<p>"I gladly accede to your proposal," cried I +laughing, but blushing with conscious vanity at +the same time.</p> + +<p>"What an obedient wife!" cried one of the +ladies; "public homage has not spoiled her yet, +I see."</p> + +<p>"Nor can it," replied I, "while I possess my +husband's homage, which I value far more."</p> + +<p>"While you possess it! Then, if his homage +should fail you, you might perhaps be pleased +with the other?"</p> + +<p>"I humbly hope not: but if exposed to that +bitter trial, I dare not assert that I should not +yield to it as scores of other women do every day; +for I must say, in defence of my sex, that good +husbands, generally speaking, make good wives; +and that most women originally value the attentions +of their husbands more than those of other men. +On your sex, therefore, O false and fickle man! be +visited the crimes of ours!"</p> + +<p>This grave discourse provoked some laughter +from my audience, from which I was glad to +escape to our carriage, which had waited for us +while we alighted.</p> + +<p>"So, Helen," said my husband as we went +home, "it is your opinion,</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">That when weak women go astray,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Their lords are more in fault than they."</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"It is."</p> + +<p>"And you said what you did as a gentle hint +and a kind warning to me how I behaved myself?"</p> + +<p>"Not so," said I eagerly: "I humbly trust +that even your example would not make me swerve +from my duty; and my observation was a general +one. Still, my favourite and constant prayer is +'Let me not be led into temptation;' and believe +me, Pendarves, that she who is able to admit +that she may possibly err, is less liable to do so +than the woman who seems to believe she is incapable +of it."</p> + +<p>"Helen," said my husband, "I never for one +moment associated together the idea of you and +frailty: therefore, dear girl, I will carry you to +Ranelagh again and again; for I do love to see +you admired! and I feel proud while I think and +know that even princes would woo your smiles in +vain."</p> + +<p>He kept his word, and we never missed a full +night at Ranelagh. But one evening completely +destroyed the unmixed pleasure which I had +hitherto enjoyed there.</p> + +<p>We had not been round the room more than +twice when we were joined by Lord Charles Belmour, +a former associate of my husband's, who, after +a little while, begged to have some private conversation +with him; and taking his arm, Pendarves +consigned me to the care of the gentleman +with us, on whose other arm hung a lady to whom +he was busily making love: consequently, his +attention was wholly directed to her, and I had +nothing to divert mine from the conversation +which occasionally met my ear between my husband +and his noble friend, who walked close behind us.</p> + +<p>Sometimes this conversation was held in a low +voice, and then I ceased to listen to it; but when +they spoke as usual, I thought I was justified in +attending to them.</p> + +<p>"Look there!" said Lord Charles, as we were +passing a box in which sat two ladies splendidly +dressed, accompanied by two gentlemen, "look, +Pendarves, there is an old friend of yours!"</p> + +<p>"Ha!" said my husband, lowering his voice, +"I protest it is she! I did not know she was in +England. Who are those men with her?"</p> + +<p>"What, are you jealous?"</p> + +<p>"Nonsense! Who are they?"</p> + +<p>"The man in brown is husband to the lady in +blue; and for the sake of associating with a titled +lady, which your friend is, you know, he allows +his wife, who is not pretty enough to be in danger, +to go about with her and her <i>cher ami</i>—the young +man in green. You know she was always a +favourite with young men."</p> + +<p>"True, and young indeed must the man be +who is taken in by her fascinations."</p> + +<p>"But she is wonderfully handsome still."</p> + +<p>"I hardly looked at her."</p> + +<p>"We are passing her again—<i>Now</i>, then, look +at her if you dare."</p> + +<p>"Dare!"</p> + +<p>"Yes: for her eyes are very like the basilisk's."</p> + +<p>"I will risk it."</p> + +<p><i>I</i> too now looked towards the box we were approaching; +at the end of which stood a young +man in green, hanging over a woman, who though +no longer young, and wholly indebted to art for +her bloom, appeared to my now jealous eyes the +handsomest woman I had ever beheld. I also +observed that she saw and recognised my husband; +for she suddenly started, and looked disordered, +while an expression of anger stole over her face. +A sudden stop in the crowd, to allow the <span class="smallcaps">Prince</span> +and his party to pass, who were just entering, +forced us to be stationary a few minutes before +her box. Oh! how my heart beat during this +survey! But one thing gratified me: I was sure +as I did not see her bow her head or curtsy, that +Pendarves did not notice her. And yet, Lord +Charles had, uncontradicted, called her his old +friend!</p> + +<p>Who, then, and what was she? would he tell +me? Perhaps he would when he got home; if +he did not, I felt that I should be uneasy.</p> + +<p>We soon moved on again, and I heard Lord +Charles say,</p> + +<p>"Cruel Pendarves, not even to look at or touch +your hat to her! Surely that would not have +committed you in any way."</p> + +<p>"It would have been acknowledging her for +an acquaintance, which I do not now wish to do, +especially in my wife's presence," I conclude he +said, for he spoke too low for me to hear; but I +judge so from the answer of Lord Charles.</p> + +<p>"Oh! then, if your wife was not present, you +would not be so cruel?"</p> + +<p>"I did not say so."</p> + +<p>"No: but you implied it."</p> + +<p>"I deny that also."</p> + +<p>Then coming up to me, my husband again +offered me his arm, and Lord Charles left us. I +soon after saw this beautiful woman walking in +the circle, and heard her named by the gentleman +next me as Lady Bell Singleton—a dashing widow +more famed for her beauty and her fascinations +than her morals. But Pendarves said nothing; +and though she looked very earnestly at him, and +examined me from head to foot as I passed, I saw +that he never turned his eyes on her, and seemed +resolved not to see her.</p> + +<p>I had therefore every reason to be pleased with +my husband's conduct; but I felt great distrust +of Lord Charles. I thought he was a man, from +what I had overheard, whom I could never like +as a companion for Pendarves; and I disliked him +the more, because, if I had given him the slightest +encouragement, he would have been my devoted +and public admirer, and would have delighted to +make his attachment to me and our intimacy the +theme of conversation. I also saw that my cold +reserve had changed his partiality into dislike; +and I could readily believe that he would be glad +in revenge to wean my husband from me. Still +I could not wish that I had treated him otherwise +than I did; for I could not have done it without +compromising my sense of right, as half measures +in such cases are of no avail; and if a married +woman does not at once show that pointed and +particular admiration is offensive to her, the man +who offers it has a right to think his devoirs may +in time be acceptable.</p> + +<p>Here I may as well give you the character of +this friend of my husband's.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles Belmour was the son of the Duke +of <span class="nowrap">——</span>; and never was any man more proud of +the pre-eminence bestowed by rank and birth: +but to do him justice, he began life with a wish +to possess more honourable distinctions; and had +he been placed in better circumstances, the world +might have heard of him as a man of science, of +learning, and of talents. But he had every thing +to deaden his wish of studious fame, and nothing +to encourage it. Besides, he was too indolent to +toil for that renown which he was ambitious to +enjoy; and instead of reading hard at college, +he was soon led away into the most unbounded +dissipation, while he saw honours daily bestowed +on others which he had once earnestly wished to +deserve and gain himself. But he quickly drove +all weak repinings from him, proudly resolving +in future to scorn and undervalue those laurels +which could now never be his.</p> + +<p>He therefore chose to declare it was beneath a +nobleman, or even a gentleman, to gain a prize, +or take a high degree; and this assertion, in which +he did not himself believe, was quoted by many +an idle dunce, glad so to excuse the ignorance +which disgraced him.</p> + +<p>But, spite of this pernicious opinion, Lord +Charles never sought the society of those who +acted upon it; and Pendarves, who had distinguished +himself at Oxford, was his favourite companion +there.</p> + +<p>When Lord Charles entered the world, he gave +himself up to all its vanities and irregularities. +But he was conscious of great powers, and also +conscious that he had suffered them to run waste. +Still if he could not employ them in a way to +excite admiration, he knew he could do so in a +way to excite fear; and after all, power was power, +and to possess it was the first wish of his heart.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, though conscious he had himself +the follies which he lashed, he had no mercy on +those of his acquaintance; for, as he himself +observed, "it is easier to laugh at the follies of +others than amend one's own;" and though +courted as an amusing companion, he was often +shunned as a dangerous one.</p> + +<p>Women, also, who defied him either as a suitor +or an enemy, have rued the day when they ventured +to dispute his power: but, as I at length +discovered, there was one way to disarm him; +and that was to own his ability to do harm, and +try to conciliate him as an active and efficient +friend.</p> + +<p>In that case his generous and kind feelings +conquered his less amiable ones, and his friendship +was as sincere and valuable as his enmity was +pernicious.</p> + +<p>But, with no uncommon inconsistency, while +he declared that he thought a nobleman would +disgrace himself if he sung well, or sung at all, +or entered the lists in any way with persons <i>à +talens</i>, he condescended to indulge before those +whom he respected in the lowest of all talents, +though certainly one of the most amusing, that +of mimickry—a gift which usually appertains to +other talents, as a border of shining gold to the +fag end of a piece of India muslin, looking more +showy indeed than the material to which it adheres; +but how inferior in value and in price!</p> + +<p>But to resume my narrative. My husband did +<i>not</i> mention Lady Bell to me. The next time I +went to Ranelagh with mixed feelings—for I +dreaded to see this lady again, and to observe that +Pendarves had chosen at length to own her for +an acquaintance; for, had he been sure of never +renewing his acquaintance, why should he not +have named her to me?</p> + +<p>It was also with contending feelings that I found +myself obliged to have Mrs. Pendarves as my +companion; for though I wished to be informed +on the subject of my anxiety, I dreaded it at the +same time: and I was sure that she would tell +me all she knew.</p> + +<p>A nephew of Mrs. Pendarves was our escort to +Ranelagh; and my husband, who dined with Lord +Charles Belmour (much to my secret sorrow), +was to join us there.</p> + +<p>My eyes looked every where in search of Lady +Bell Singleton, and at length I discovered her. +My companion did the same; and with a sort of +scream of surprise, she said, "Oh, dear! if there +is not Lady Bell Singleton! I thought she was +abroad. Do you know, my dear, when she returned +to England?"</p> + +<p>"How should I know, madam? The very +existence of the lady was a stranger to me till the +other evening."</p> + +<p>"Indeed! Why, do not you really know that +is the lady on whose account your mother forbade +your marriage with Pendarves?"</p> + +<p>"No, madam, my mother was too discreet to +explain her reasons."</p> + +<p>"Well, my dear, you need not look so uneasy—it +was all off long before he married you—though +she is a very dangerous woman where she +gets a hold, and looks</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'So sure of her beholder's heart,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> Neglecting for to take them.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>I scarcely heard what she said, for a sick faint +feeling came over me at the consciousness that I +was now in the presence of a woman for whom +Pendarves had undoubtedly felt some sort of +regard; but it was jealousy for the past, not of +the present, that overcame me, though my husband's +total silence with regard to this lady was, +I could not but think, an alarming circumstance. +And "it was on her account your mother forbade +your marriage with Pendarves" still vibrated +painfully in my ears, when Lord Charles and he +appeared. With a smile by no means as unconstrained +as usual I met him, and accepted his +proffered arm. Lord Charles walked with us for +a round or two—then left us, whispering as he +did so, "Remember! <i>do</i> notice her, she expects +it, and I think she has a right to it."</p> + +<p>Pendarves muttered, "Well, if it must be so," +and his companion disappeared.</p> + +<p>"Soon after we saw him with Lady Bell Singleton +leaning on his arm; and I felt convinced +he had made the acquaintance since we were last +at Ranelagh, as he never noticed her till that night. +We were now meeting them for the second time, +and passing close to them, when I saw Lady Bell +pointedly try to catch my husband's eye: and no +longer avoiding it, he took off his hat, and civilly, +though distantly, returned the cordial but silent +salutation which she gave him.</p> + +<p>"This," thought I, "is in consequence of +Lord Charles's interference, and explains what +Pendarves meant by 'Well, if I must, I must.'"</p> + +<p>How I wished that he would break his silence +on this subject, and be ingenuous! But I felt it +was a delicate subject for him to treat—and I +resolved to break the ice myself.</p> + +<p>"That was a very beautiful woman to whom +you bowed just now," said I, glad to find that +Mrs. Pendarves was looking another way.</p> + +<p>"She <i>has</i> been beautiful indeed!" was his reply.</p> + +<p>Then looking at me, surprised I doubt not at +the tremor of my voice, he was equally surprised +at my excessive paleness, and with some little +sarcasm in his tone, he said,</p> + +<p>"My dear Helen, is my only bowing to a fine +woman capable of making your cheek pale, and +your voice trembling?"</p> + +<p>"No," said I, "not so—you wrong me indeed; +nor did I know that my cheek was pale." I said +no more, shrinking from the seeming indelicacy +of forcing a confidence which he was disposed to +withhold.</p> + +<p>"Helen," said he, looking up in my face, "I +see our aunt Pendarves has been at her old work, +telling tales of me. I protest I shall insist on my +uncle's sending her muzzled into your company."</p> + +<p>"The best way of muzzling her would be to anticipate +all her communications yourself. It would +be such an effectual silence to a woman like our +little aunt, to be able to say, 'I know that +already!'"</p> + +<p>"That's artfully put, Helen! But, really, there +are some things which I have respected you too +much to name to you. A general knowledge of +my past faults and follies you have long had; but, +from no unworthy motive, I have shrunk from +talking to you of any particular one: and I feel +pained and shocked, my beloved wife, to know +that you are aware of that lady's having once been +very near, if not very dear, to me in the days of +my early youth."</p> + +<p>"Enough," said I, "enough! Forget that I +know any thing which you wished me not to know, +and assure yourself that I will forget also."</p> + +<p>"You are a wise and good girl," he replied, +kindly pressing the arm that reposed in his: "but +my little aunt is capable of making much mischief +between married persons, where the mind of the +wife is weak, and her temper suspicious."</p> + +<p>But how irritated I was against Lord Charles +that evening! He forced conversation with Pendarves +whenever we passed him, and gave Lady +Bell an opportunity of fixing her dark eyes on +him in a manner which having once seen, I took +care never to see again. I am sure it offended +him as much as it did me; for though Lady Bell +was not absolutely excluded from society, she was +by no means a woman to be forced on the notice +of any man who had a virtuous wife leaning on +his arm; and in returning her bow, Pendarves +had done all that civility required of him: but I +am convinced that Lord Charles wished to give +me pain; and he was also in hopes that I should +resent the appearance of any acquaintance remaining +between the quondam lovers, and thereby +occasion a coolness between my husband and +myself.</p> + +<p>This was the longest and the only painful evening +I had ever passed at Ranelagh; and from that +moment I took such a dislike to it, that I was +very glad when the great heat of the weather made +my usual companions at such places substitute +Vauxhall for Ranelagh. But at Vauxhall the same +lovely and unwelcome vision crossed my path; +and I once overheard a gentleman say, looking +back at my husband, who had stopt to speak to +some ladies, "What a lucky fellow that Pendarves +is! The two finest women in the garden—aye, or +in London, are his wife, and his quondam +mistress." The compliment to myself was deprived +of its power to please me, by these wounding +words, my husband's "quondam mistress." +And was then that disgraceful connexion so well +known? The thought was an overwhelming one, +and I began to resent my husband's having bowed +to this woman in my presence. But perhaps he was +entreated to do so in order to shield her reputation? +If so, could he do otherwise? And as I was always +glad to find an excuse for Pendarves, I satisfied myself +thus, and my recent displeasure was forgotten.</p> + +<p>When we had extended the six weeks we meant +to pass in London to two months, I expressed a +wish of returning into the country; and Seymour +complied with so little reluctance, that I prepared +to return home with a much lighter heart than I +had expected ever to feel again. But Mrs. Pendarves +had a parting gift for me in her own way—a +piece of intelligence which clouded over the +unexpected brilliancy of my home prospects.</p> + +<p>"Well my dear niece," said she, "I am glad +you are going, though I am sorry to part with you; +for I do not like Seymour's friend, Lord Charles +Belmour. He seems to me, my dear, to have, +in the words of the poet,</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'That low cunning which from fools supplies,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> And aptly too, the means of being wise.'</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">"And I have thought no good of him ever since I +saw him come out of Lady Bell Singleton's house +with your husband."</p> + +<p>"What!" cried I, catching hold of a chair, +for my strength seemed suddenly to fail me, "does +my husband visit Lady Bell?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, that once I am sure he did: but then +I do not doubt but that Lord Charles took him +there; for I am told his great pleasure is to +alienate his married friends from their wives."</p> + +<p>Alas! from what a pinnacle of happiness and +confidence did this foolish woman cast me down +in one moment! Reply I could not; and she went +on to give me one piece of advice, and that was, +never, if I could help it, to admit Lord Charles +within my doors, and to discourage his intimacy +with my husband as much as I could.</p> + +<p>By this time I had a little recovered this overwhelming +blow; and I resolved in self-defence, +and in defence of my husband's character, to tell +her I must believe she was mistaken in thinking +she saw Pendarves come out of Lady Bell's house; +but whether that were true or false, I must request +her to keep such communications to herself in +future, as a wife was the last person whom any +one should presume to inform of the errors of her +husband. But company came in; and soon after +my uncle drove up to the house in his travelling +carriage, and in a few minutes more they were +both on the road to Cornwall. If Seymour, when +he came in, had found me alone with Mrs. Pendarves, +he would have attributed the strange abstraction +of my manner to some information which +she had given me; but he now imputed it to the +head-ach of which I complained; and when my +visitors went he urged me to go and lie down.</p> + +<p>This was unfortunate, as I should have disliked +excessively to tell him what his aunt had seen, +and to let him observe how uneasy the communication +had made me; for I was aware that a wife +whose jealousy is so very apt to take alarm, is as +troublesome to a husband as one whose nerves are +so weak that she goes into a fit at the slightest +noise, and starts at the mere shutting of a door. +Still, my husband's ignorance of the cause of my +indisposition was a great trial to me; for it forced +me to have, for the first time, a secret from him. +And he too, it seemed, was keeping a secret +from me; for, spite of my entreaties that he +would always tell me himself what it might grieve +me to hear from others, he had called on Lady +Bell Singleton, without telling me that he had +done so!</p> + +<p>Alas! I did indeed lie down, and I did indeed +darken my room; but it was to hide my agitation +and my tears: nor till Pendarves went out to +dinner, which, with some difficulty I prevailed on +him to do, did I suffer the light to penetrate into +my apartments, or my swollen eye-lids to be seen +of any one. But then I rose; then, too, I rallied +my spirits; for, in the first place I was cheered +by my husband's affectionate unwillingness to +leave me, and in the next I had nearly convinced +myself that Mrs. Pendarves had not seen him +when she fancied she did.</p> + +<p>By this resolute endeavour to look only on the +bright side, I was enabled when my husband returned, +which he did very early, to receive him +with unforced smiles and cheerfulness.</p> + +<p>The next day we set off immediately after breakfast +on our journey home; and I met my mother +with a countenance so happy, that the look of +anxious inquiry with which she beheld me was +immediately exchanged for one of tearful joy.</p> + +<p>"Thank God! my dearest child," she fervently +exclaimed, "that I see you again, and see you +thus!"</p> + +<p>Why had she looked so anxious, and so inquiringly? +and why was she thus so evidently surprised, +as well as rejoiced?</p> + +<p>No doubt, thought I, she is in correspondence +with our gossiping aunt, and she has told my +mother all she told me.—No doubt, also, she has +all along been that secret source whence was derived +my mother's fear of uniting me to Pendarves.—But +then, was not her information derived from +her husband, and was it not always only too +authentic?</p> + +<p>As these thoughts passed my mind, it was well +for me that my mother was talking to Seymour, +and did not observe me.</p> + +<p>Two months had greatly embellished the appearance +of our abode; and it looked so green and +gay, and was so fragrant from the summer flowers, +that Pendarves, always alive to present objects +and present impressions, exclaimed as we followed +my mother through the grounds, "Dearest Helen! +why should we ever leave this paradise of sweets? +Here let us live and die!"</p> + +<p>"Agreed," said I; and my mother looked at +us with delighted eyes, but eyes that beamed +through tears.</p> + +<p>Calm and tranquil were the months that followed—though +my husband's brow was always clouded +when letters arrived bearing the London post-mark; +and when I asked who his correspondent was, he +answered, "Lord Charles;" but never communicated +to me the contents of these letters.</p> + +<p>In walking, riding, receiving and paying visits, +passed the time till September, when my husband +had an invitation to spend a few days in Norfolk, +on a shooting excursion; and when he returned +he found me confined to my sofa with indisposition. +Never had woman a tenderer nurse than he proved +himself during the three succeeding months: at +the end of that time I was quite recovered; and +as he had business in London, he declared his +intention of going thither for some days, as he +could not bear, he said, to leave me some few +months later, and when a time was approaching +so dear to his wishes and expectations.</p> + +<p>To London therefore he went, and left me to +combat and indulge alternately the fears of a +jealous and the confidence of a tender wife.</p> + +<p>His letters became a study to me. I tried to +find out by his expressions in what state of mind +he wrote. Sometimes I fancied them hurried, +and expressive of a mind not at ease with itself; +then in another passage I read the unembarrassed +eloquence of faithful and confiding love.</p> + +<p>During his absence my mother found me a bad +companion: I was for ever falling into reverie, +and a less penetrating eye than hers would have +discovered that my symptoms were those of +mental uneasiness.</p> + +<p>At length he returned, and he gazed on my +faded cheek and evidently anxious countenance +with such tender concern, that my care-worn brow +instantly resumed its wonted cheerfulness; and +when my mother came to welcome him, she was +surprised at the alteration in my looks.</p> + +<p>"Foolish child!" said she in a faltering voice, +when Pendarves left the room, "Foolish child! +to depend thus for happiness, nay health and life +itself perhaps, on one of frail and human mould! +I see how it is with you: you were ill and anxious +yesterday, but he is come, and you need no other +physician."</p> + +<p>"Did you see much of Lord Charles?" said I +the next day, looking earnestly for my needle +while I spoke, as I was conscious that my countenance +was not tranquil.</p> + +<p>"No—yes—on the whole I did. But why do +you ask? I believe he is no favourite of yours."</p> + +<p>"Certainly not."</p> + +<p>"But I hope, Helen, you are not so <i>very</i> a +wife as to wish me to give up an old friend merely +because he does not please you?"</p> + +<p>"No: I am not so unreasonable, even though +I could give substantial reasons for my dislike."</p> + +<p>"And pray what are these reasons? Oh! that +reminds me of a joke Lord Charles has against +you, Helen. He tells me he is sure you thought +that he fell in love with you when, on being first +presented to you, he expressed his admiration in +his usual frank way, which means nothing; for +he says your prudery took alarm, and you drew +up your beautiful neck to its utmost height, and +have My lorded and Your lordship'd him ever since +into the most awful distance."</p> + +<p>"True; but for a manner that means nothing, +I never saw a manner more offensive to a modest +wife. However, I am very glad he has been so +clear-sighted as to my motives; for I wish him to +know that I do not love such marked homage +from him, or any other friend of yours, even in a +joke."</p> + +<p>"You are piqued, Helen."</p> + +<p>"I am."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you wish me to call Lord Charles out? +But indeed were I to call out all the men who look +at you with admiring eyes, I should soon sleep with +my fathers, or send numbers to sleep with theirs. +No, no, excuse me, Helen. I will not quarrel +with Lord Charles; for even if the fire ever was +kindled, your snow has now completely extinguished +it; and I do assure you he is a very good +fellow, though odd, and not always pleasant."</p> + +<p>"Is he paying his court to that Lady Bell?" +said I, speaking her name with difficulty, and +preceding it with an impertinent, <i>that</i>.</p> + +<p>"I really—I—cannot say positively. But that +Lady Bell, as you emphatically call her, has quarrelled +with that fine young man whom you saw at +Ranelagh, and perhaps it is on his account."</p> + +<p>I said no more; for I saw his colour heighten, +and that his manner was hurried: and I tried to +believe that the quarrel was wholly on Lord Charles +Belmour's account.</p> + +<p>I now however took myself seriously to task; +for was I not violating a wife's duty in trying to +find errors in the conduct of my husband? and +was I not by so doing endangering my own peace +of mind, my health, and consequently, in my +situation, my life? Was I not also depressing +those spirits, and weakening those powers of exertion +which ought to make home agreeable and +alluring to the dear object of my weak solicitude?</p> + +<p>The result of this severe self-examination was, +that I resolutely determined to turn away from +every anxious and jealous suggestion, to believe +as long as I could, that my husband was as deserving +of my love and confidence when absent as he +was when present, and to make a vigorous effort +to stop myself on my way to being a fretful, jealous, +and miserable wife.</p> + +<p>Nor did I break my resolution, as you well +know, my dear friend; for, if I had, you would +never have even fancied that I deserved to be exhibited +as an example of a wife's duty. But if +I had not begun to school myself when I did, all +would have been over with me.</p> + +<p>I cannot help observing here, that this painful +jealousy, which I endured so early in my married +life, was owing to my having, in despite of my +mother's wise prohibition, united myself to a man +of the steadiness of whose principles I had had +too much reason to doubt; and I could not help +saying to myself sometimes,—"If I had married +De Walden, I should have had none of these misgivings."</p> + +<p>As the hour of my confinement drew nearer and +nearer, Seymour's tender attentions increased; +and at length, after severe suffering I became a +mother; but scarcely had I been allowed to gaze +upon my child, scarcely had I heard its first faint +cry,—that sound which thrills so powerfully +through the heart,—when its voice was stopt by +death, and it closed its eyes for ever.</p> + +<p>I am afraid I should have borne this affliction +very ill, had I not been obliged to exert myself to +quiet the fears of my husband and my mother for +my life, as they thought that the shock might be +fatal.</p> + +<p>I had also to console them; for they were both +grieved and disappointed. But their feelings were +transitory; mine were still in full force when they +believed they were forgotten: for, besides the +sorrow I felt for the loss of that being whose +helpless cry still vibrated in my ears, I felt that +I had lost in it a strong cement to the tie which +bound my husband to me. Nor till I found myself +again likely to become a mother was I really +consoled.</p> + +<p>A circumstance happened which induced me to +conceal my situation; and this was an invitation +which my mother received from the Count De +Walden, to accompany his sister, and her husband +back to Switzerland when they left England, which +they were then visiting, and to stay some months +with him and Ferdinand De Walden.</p> + +<p>This invitation I well knew she would refuse, +if she knew that accepting it would prevent her +being with me during my period of suffering; +and I allowed her to depart for Switzerland, with +the expectation of returning time enough to +attend on me.</p> + +<p>I own that this was a great trial to my selfishness, +as I knew I should miss her greatly: but I +thought the excursion would be so pleasing a one +to her, that I felt it my duty to make the sacrifice. +I suffered my husband to remain in ignorance also, +lest he should betray me to her: and I had judged +rightly; for when I owned the truth to him, it +was with great difficulty I could prevail on him +not to write, and say I had deceived her.</p> + +<p>Alas! I had but too much reason to regret even +this deception, which might be called a virtuous +one.</p> + +<p>It so happened that I had no married friend, +or near relation, who could come to be with me at +that time; and as Pendarves wished me to have +a female companion, I was induced to accept the +eagerly proffered services of a young lady, the +eldest daughter of a numerous family, who had +conceived a great attachment to my husband and +me, and was very solicitous to be with me during +my confinement.</p> + +<p>This girl had such a warm and open manner, +that I fancied her one of the most artless of human +beings; and I was so weak as to consider the +gross flattery which she lavished on me and on +Pendarves, as the honest overflowings of an affectionate +heart.</p> + +<p>I was, I own, a little startled when she used +to kiss my husband's picture as it lay on my table, +when she became my guest, and when I saw her +come behind him, and cut off a lock of his hair, +but as she afterwards begged for a piece of mine, +that she might unite them in a locket, I considered +this little circumstance as nothing but a flight of +girlish romance.</p> + +<p>What Pendarves thought of it I know not; but +he blushed excessively when he saw that I observed +it, and tried to take the hair from her; on which +a sort of romping ensued, that I thought vulgar, +I own; but it called forth no other feeling.</p> + +<p>Perhaps had she been handsome I should not +have been so easy; but she was in my eyes plain +and could scarcely, I thought, be called a fine +girl. Besides, I had heard Seymour say she was +dowdy and awkward. But few men are proof +against the flatteries and attentions of any woman +who is not old and ugly; and I soon found, though +without any jealous fear, that Charlotte Jermyn +had power to amuse my husband, and that her +enthusiastic admiration of every thing which she +liked was a source of never-failing entertainment +to him.</p> + +<p>He now was sufficiently intimate with her, he +thought, to venture to hint the necessity of a +reform in her dress; and she wore better clothes, +became clean, if not neat, and in time she even +learnt to look rather tidy; while Pendarves was +flattered to see the effect of his admonitions, and +used to reward her by challenging her to a long +walk.</p> + +<p>At length, after I had been confined to my sofa +some weeks, I had the happiness of giving birth +to a daughter; and my young nurse was most +kind and assiduous in her attendance upon me; +indeed, so much so that she often shortened my +husband's visits, on the kind plea that I was not +yet strong enough to bear long ones from one so +dear; and I, though reluctantly, dismissed him.</p> + +<p>But I soon observed that her own visits became +very short; that she used still to kiss me, and +call me "dearest creature!" and tell me how +beautiful I looked in my night-cap: but now, +when I asked for her I was told that she was gone +out with Pendarves. And once, as he was standing +by my bedside, she was not contented with saying +he had been with me long enough, but she linked +her arm in his, and dragged him away in a manner +at once hoydenish and familiar.</p> + +<p>I also saw that though she loaded my sweet baby +with caresses when he was present, and tried to +take her from him, she scarcely noticed it when +he was absent.</p> + +<p>Still I felt no distrust, because I had confidence +in my husband's honour and affection. But I +now saw that the countenances of my nurse and +my maid, when I inquired for Miss Jermyn, +used to assume an angry expression; and once +my maid, muttered, that she supposed she was +with her master, for he could not stir but she +was after him.</p> + +<p>This I did not seem to hear; but it made me +thoughtful.</p> + +<p>When I had been confined three weeks, I was +able to leave my chamber for my dressing-room, +which overlooked the garden; and one day, as I +ventured to the window for the first time, I saw +Charlotte Jermyn walking with my husband, and +ever and anon hanging on his arm, almost leaning +her head against him occasionally, and looking up +in his face (he the while reading a book) with an +expression of fondness which alarmed and disgusted +me. I then saw her snatch the book from him; +and as he tried to regain it, a great romping match +ensued, and lasted till they ran out of my sight, +and left me pale, motionless, and miserable. For +I found that I had been exposing my husband to +the allurements of a coquettish romp; and though +I acquitted both him and her of aught that was +wrong, I still felt that no prudent wife would place +the man she loved in such a situation.</p> + +<p>Many, many a wife, it is well known, has had +to rue the hour when at a period like this she +has introduced into her family a young and seemingly +attached friend.</p> + +<p>What was to be done? I saw that the servants +were aware of what was passing, and they would +not judge with the candour that I did.</p> + +<p>I therefore convinced myself that regard for my +husband's reputation, and not jealousy, determined +me to get down stairs and out again as fast +as possible, in order that I might make some +excuse for sending my dangerous attendant away, +or at least be a guard over her conduct.</p> + +<p>But, to my great surprise and joy, my beloved +mother arrived most unexpectedly that morning; +for I had insisted on her not returning sooner on +my account, as I was so well. However, she did +come; and I received her with rapture for more +reasons than one; for now I had an excuse for +sending Miss Jermyn away directly, as I wanted +the best room for my mother.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, I told her that in two day's time +my mother would take up her abode with us for +a few weeks; and that as Mrs. Jermyn had long +been desirous of her return, I hoped she would +hold herself in readiness to set off for home on the +next day but one, as my mother always slept in +the room which <i>she</i> occupied.</p> + +<p>"O dearest Mrs. Seymour! do not send me +away from you," cried the strange girl, clasping +and wringing her hands, "or I shall die with grief; +for I shall think you do not love me, and I shall +never survive it!"</p> + +<p>The time for my belief in such rhodomontade +was now happily past, and I coolly replied, "that +in no other but the best and most convenient room +in the house could I allow my mother to sleep; +therefore she must go."</p> + +<p>"Why so, Mrs. Seymour? I can sleep any +where. There is a press bed in the little room; +and I care not where I sleep, so I am but permitted +to stay."</p> + +<p>Here she attempted to throw her arms fondly +round me, while she repeated, "Do, there's a +sweet woman, do let me stay!"</p> + +<p>"Impossible!" I replied, disengaging myself +with a look of aversion from her embrace. On +which she started up and exclaimed,</p> + +<p>"I am sure some one has been telling you stories +of me, and you are set against me!"</p> + +<p>"There is no one in this house, Miss Jermyn, +who would presume to say any thing to me against +any guest of mine."</p> + +<p>"And pray, does Mr. Pendarves know I am to +be sent away at a moment's warning?"</p> + +<p>"He does not yet know that you are going +away at two day's notice, to make room for my +mother, and that I may enjoy her society, after a +long absence, uninterrupted."</p> + +<p>"Oh! if that be all, I will promise never to +interrupt your <i>tête-à-têtes</i>."</p> + +<p>"They will not be <i>tête-à-têtes</i>: my husband +will be of our party."</p> + +<p>"And pray," answered she with great sullenness, +"how am I to go home? I am sure Mr. +Pendarves will not approve of my going home in +the stage without a protector."</p> + +<p>"Nor would his wife: and I will settle the +mode of conveyance with him."</p> + +<p>"Oh! if I must go, I will see if I cannot +settle that myself."</p> + +<p>At this moment my mother entered the room, +and with her my husband; and Miss, to hide her +disordered countenance, abruptly disappeared.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter with Miss Jermyn?" said +Seymour: and I told him, but in a voice that was +not as assured as I wished it to be.</p> + +<p>"So soon!" cried he, starting. "Is it not +too sudden? Will it not look as if she was sent +away in a hurry?"</p> + +<p>"Sent away in a hurry!" exclaimed my mother, +looking earnestly in his face. "Why should any +one suspect that?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, dear! No one ought, certainly; but +after her having staid so long—However, I think +she has been here long enough, and the sooner +she goes the better."</p> + +<p>"Then, as you think thus, and her mother has +long wished for her, her departure shall remain +fixed for the day after to-morrow, and"—Here I +was interrupted by Seymour's being called out of +the room: he did not return for some minutes; +when he did, he seemed disturbed.</p> + +<p>During his absence the nurse brought me my +child; and both my mother and myself were too +agreeably engaged with her to talk of Charlotte +Jermyn. But Seymour's evident abstraction and +uneasy countenance drew my mother's attention +to him; and after a moment's thought she said, +"That seems a very strange presuming girl, Seymour; +and I really think with you it is time she +were gone."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, certainly! and she is very willing +to go."</p> + +<p>"So much the better," replied my mother; +while I suppressed, for fear of alarming her suspicions, +the "How do you know that?" which was +on my lips; for, if her feelings were so changed, he +must have changed them; and she it was who +had desired him to be called out of the room.</p> + +<p>Seymour's horses now came to the door; but +before he left us I begged to know how he meant +Miss Jermyn should travel.</p> + +<p>"She came," said I, "in the coach which passes +our gate; but then her mother's maid came with +her, and I cannot spare a servant to attend her."</p> + +<p>"I can drive her home in my curricle: if we +set off at five in the morning, we can perform the +journey with ease before dark."</p> + +<p>Pendarves said this in a hurried conscious manner, +which did not escape the quick eye of my +mother; and while I hesitated how I could best +word my decided objection to this plan, which +would I knew excite disagreeable observations +amongst the servants, that ever watchful friend +replied, "Hear my plan, which is far better than +yours. The mornings are yet dark and cold at +five: lend me your horses for my chariot; and as +I want to visit a friend of De Walden's, who lives +half way to Mr. Jermyn's, with whom I have +business, I will take this opportunity of going. +My maid shall accompany us, and while I stay at +Mr. Dumont's she shall see Miss Jermyn safe to +her father's."</p> + +<p>"Well, if Miss Jermyn likes this plan."</p> + +<p>"She would prefer going with you, no doubt," +said I smiling; "but as this plan will be a convenience +to my mother, we need not consult her +wishes."</p> + +<p>"O no! very true, very true," said he in a +fluttered tone (<i>but not owning that he had promised +to drive her</i>): "and when I return from my +ride, I shall expect to find you have arranged +every thing with her."</p> + +<p>He then ran down stairs and galloped off, as if +to avoid speaking to Charlotte; for I saw her from +the window run along the path to the road, to +catch his eye if she could, and give him a signal +to stop and speak to her.</p> + +<p>Soon after she joined us; and I thought I saw +a triumphant meaning on her countenance, which +increased to a look of almost avowed exultation, +when, on my saying, "Now let us tell you how +we have arranged matters for your journey," she +eagerly interrupted me, and exclaimed, "Oh! I +have arranged that with Mr. Pendarves, and he +is to drive me in his curricle."</p> + +<p>I did not answer her, for her look disconcerted +me; but my mother did, coldly saying, "Mr. +Pendarves did mean to do so, but for my convenience +he has changed his plan."</p> + +<p>She then went on to inform her what the new +plan was; and the mortified indignant girl burst +into tears, and left the room.</p> + +<p>"That is a very self-willed, pernicious young +person, I suspect," observed my mother: "but I +flatter myself that her journey with me will do +her some good; at least, if it does not, it shall +not be my fault."</p> + +<p>Then, being too wise and too delicate to say +more, she changed the subject: nor was any allusion +made to Miss Jermyn till Seymour returned +on foot; for he left his horse at the stables; and +as he saw us in the drawing-room, which was on +the ground floor, he came in at the window, being +impatient, he said, to welcome me down stairs.</p> + +<p>But he had probably another reason for that +mode of entrance. He feared, I suspect, that +Charlotte Jermyn would want to speak to him, +and he was not disposed to listen to her reproaches +for having given up his design of driving her home.</p> + +<p>My suspicions were confirmed by my seeing her +walking along the path which commanded the +approach to the house, and this path Seymour had +avoided by going to the stables: but she did not +long remain there, for on looking towards the house +she saw my husband standing at the window with +me, with one arm round my waist, while with his +other hand he was stroking the cheek of the child +which I held to my bosom, and was rocking to rest.</p> + +<p>Happy as I was at this moment, I could not +help throwing a hasty glance towards this strange +girl, who now rapidly drew near; and as she +passed the window curtsied to us, with a countenance +in which every unamiable feeling seemed +to be uppermost.</p> + +<p>She then threw open the hall door with violence, +threw it to with the same force, then ran to her +own chamber, and closed the door of that with +such energy that it could be heard all over the +house. Nor did we see her again till dinner, when, +though she had taken uncommon pains with her +dress, her eyes were swelled with crying, and her +whole appearance so indicative of gentle sorrow +that Seymour's voice softened even into tenderness +when he addressed her, and mine was consequently +as strikingly cold and severe. Meanwhile, my +mother was a silent but an observant spectator; +and both Pendarves and Miss Jermyn seemed oppressed +by the penetrating glance of her eye.</p> + +<p>In the evening Seymour proposed reading to us +aloud; and as I wished to sit up late for reasons +you may easily guess, I was glad of so good an +excuse as staying to hear an interesting book would +be: but I had reason to repent having allowed +feeling to prevail over prudence: for when my +mother came to me the next day she found I had +caught cold, and, together with the fatigue of +sitting up too late, was in no condition to go +down that day at all. Nor could my mother bear +to leave me: consequently, I had the mortification +of finding that in trying to avoid a slight evil I +had fallen into a greater. But my mother, who +had, I doubt not, heard from her maid what the +servants had observed, requested Miss Jermyn +would be so kind as to sit with us, and teach her +two sorts of work which she excelled in; and she +could not without great incivility refuse compliance. +However, at the hour when she was accustomed to +walk with Seymour, she started up, declaring she +could stay no longer, because it was her last day +there, and she was sure Mr. Pendarves would +walk with her. We could not object to this on +any proper ground; and she was putting her +knitting and netting into her work bag, when we +heard a carriage drive to the door, and a servant +came up to inform me that Lord Charles Belmour +was below, and his master desired him to say he +meant to dine with us.</p> + +<p>Little did I think that Lord Charles would ever +be a welcome guest to me; but at this moment +he was so, for I saw that Charlotte Jermyn looked +disappointed. My joy however vanished when I +recollected that it was by no means desirable Lord +Charles should witness this indiscreet girl's evident +attachment to Pendarves; and just before she +went to her own apartment, my mother said, to +my great relief, "You must then dine with us +to-day, Miss Jermyn; for you are too young and +too old at the same time to be the only female at a +table where Lord Charles Belmour is."</p> + +<p>"Well, if I <i>must</i>, I must," was her reply; +and she left us.</p> + +<p>But while I was rejoicing that circumstances +would force her to dine with us, I heard her rapidly +ascending the stairs; and throwing open the door +hastily, she told us, with a look of delight, that +she was going to walk; for Lord Charles had +brought his sister Lady Harriet with him, whom +he was conveying home from school for the holidays, +and Mr. Pendarves had told her she must +do the honours to the young lady as I was not +able to attend her. "And so," she added, "I +must also dine below, for he told me so." And +without waiting for our opinion or reply, she again +disappeared, and we soon after saw her laughing +with Lord Charles on the lawn, as if she had +known him for years.</p> + +<p>"How he will show her off," said my mother, +"to-day! That young man has more ingenuous +malignity about him than any one I ever saw. +When I was nursing Seymour at Oxford, he came +to see him; and in order to make the poor invalid +laugh, he used to make masters, deans, and fellow-commoners +pass in rapid succession before us, +like the distorted figures in a magic lantern."</p> + +<p>This view of what was likely to happen was a +relief to my mind; for I had not expected that +Lord Charles would try to draw her forth for his +own amusement; I had feared he would be contented +to amuse himself with observing her admiration +of Pendarves.</p> + +<p>When they returned from their walk, I was +vexed to observe that Lady Harriet held her brother's +arm, not my husband's; and I also saw that +Charlotte leaned on him, and looked up in his +face in the same improper manner as she did when +they were alone. I was very glad that Lord Charles +and his sister walked before them.</p> + +<p>Pendarves now came up stairs to beg, as I was +not able to dine below, or see Lord Charles otherwise, +that I would go to the window and kiss my +hand to him in token of welcome; for that he +was afraid to stay, because he believed he was a +disagreeable guest, and that I kept up stairs merely +because he was come. He also begged that I would +after dinner admit Lady Harriet for a few minutes.</p> + +<p>I promised compliance with both these requests, +and went to the window directly.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles answered my really cordial salutation +with a most lowly bow, and a countenance +meant to express every thing that was respectful +and courteous, and drew from my mother, to whom +he also bowed, the observation of "Graceful +coxcomb!" Now do I fancy him saying within himself, +'There, I have made that haughty old woman +believe that I respect her and her loftiness to her +heart's content.'</p> + +<p>Pendarves could not help smiling at this right +reading, as it probably was, of his satirical friend's +thoughts: but he assured her that admiration the +most unbounded was, as well as respect, felt by +his friend towards her; and that he considered a +woman of her age as in the prime of her charms.</p> + +<p>"Nonsense!" cried my mother; and my husband, +laughing, returned to Lord Charles.</p> + +<p>Charlotte Jermyn did not come to us before she +went down to dinner, as she had Lady Harriet +with her; but, when they left the dinner-room, +I desired to see them in mine: and for the first +time I thought her pretty; for her cheeks glowed +with a very brilliant and becoming colour, which +added to the fire of her eyes; and her dress was +neat and lady-like. She had the countenance, +too, of one who had been much commended, and +felt certain that the commendations were sincere.</p> + +<p>"I am glad she is going to-morrow," said I +mentally, and I sighed at the same time. Lady +Harriet was a good foil to her, except in manners: +for there could be no comparison: and by the +side of Lady Harriet, Miss Jermyn was pretty.</p> + +<p>As soon as they had had coffee the brother and +sister drove off, but not before Lord Charles had +fixed to return that day fortnight to dinner, on +condition of my dining below.</p> + +<p>When they were gone my mother went down +to make the tea; and after that meal was ended +she asked if there was any objection to Seymour's +going on in my dressing-room with the book which +he began the night before, and in his reading till +it was time for me to go to rest.</p> + +<p>He complied instantly, and read till I was +tired.</p> + +<p>My mother then proposed that he should read +me to sleep: to this also he agreed, and while I +lay with the curtains closed round, my mother, +he and Charlotte sat round the fire; and it was +eleven before I ceased to hear, and Pendarves +retired to his own chamber.</p> + +<p>My mother then went away, desiring Charlotte +to be ready at six, as she should breakfast with +her at that hour. But, as I afterwards found, +she reached our house on foot before six, and just +as Pendarves came down stairs.</p> + +<p>By these apparently undesigned circumstances +my mother prevented any scene that might have +called forth unpleasant observations in the family; +but, she could not prevent a most sorrowful parting +on the side of the young lady. She wept, she +sobbed, she leaned against Seymour's shoulder +when he put his lips to her cheek; and he was +nearly obliged to carry her to the carriage; for +she declared she would not go till she had taken +leave of me: but my mother was as positive that +I should not be disturbed, and Pendarves gently +forced her to the door.</p> + +<p>What passed between my mother and her when +they were on the journey and alone,—for the maid +always preferred travelling outside,—I do not know: +but I suspect that she animadverted on her conduct +and want of self-control in a manner more judicious +than pleasant.</p> + +<p>During these vexatious occurrences I must own +that it was a sort of comfort to me, that my aunt +Pendarves had such inflamed eyes that she could +not write; for otherwise the chances were that +she might hear some exaggerated accounts of our +visitor's conduct, and might think it necessary to +address one of us on the subject, and give us good +advice.</p> + +<p>Well: this pernicious girl was gone, and my +mind at ease again. Still, I feared that she had +done me a serious injury: not that I believed she +had alienated my husband's heart from me, or +from propriety; but she had been the first person +to accustom him to find amusement at home independent +of me and of the exertion of my talents. +He was an indolent man, and she had amused +him, and beguiled away his hours, without +obliging him to any exertion of mind. Besides, +she was not only a new companion, but a new +conquest. He was certainly flattered by it, and +evidently interested. I was led to draw these +conclusions by observing the gapish state into +which Pendarves fell the day after her departure.</p> + +<p>He seemed to miss an accustomed dram. He +gave me indeed, on my requesting it, a lesson in +Spanish, which I had long neglected; but he +seemed to do it as if it was a trouble, and he was +too absent to make the lesson of much use. I +however forbore to remark what I could not but +painfully feel, and I fancied that my best plan +would be to contrive some new objects of interest +at home, if I could: but on second thoughts I +resolved to propose that he should visit a sick +friend of his at Malvern hills, for a few days, as +I believed it not to be for my interest he should +stay to contrast his present with his late home; +but that he should go away to return from an +invalid and the cold hills of Malvern, to me and +his own comfortable dwelling.</p> + +<p>I no sooner named my plan to him than he +eagerly caught at it, declaring that he wished to +go, but feared that I should think the wish unkind. +Accordingly, he only staid to see my mother +comfortably settled as my guest, and then set off +for Malvern. Nor did he return till three or four +days before he expected Lord Charles. By that +time I had recovered my bloom and my strength, +and our infant had acquired a fortnight's growth,—an +interesting event in the life of a young parent; +and I assure you it was thought such by Pendarves: +and while he complimented me on my restored +comeliness, and held his little Helen in his arms, +I felt that he had no thought or wish beyond those +whom he clasped and looked upon.</p> + +<p>I could now join him again in his walks, and in +his rides or drives.</p> + +<p>My mother threw a great charm over our evenings +by her descriptions of the country which she +had so lately seen, and of the scientific men with +whom she had associated. But Seymour and I +both fancied that she was rather reserved and embarrassed +when she talked of Count De Walden. +Nor could I help being desirous of finding out the +reason. One day I told her how sorry I was to +think that she shortened her agreeable visit entirely +on my account; but, as if thrown off her guard, +she eagerly replied, "Oh, no! I was very glad of +an excuse for coming away;" and this was followed +by such manifest confusion of countenance and +manner, that I suspected the reason, and at last +I prevailed on her to confess it.</p> + +<p>The truth was that Count De Walden, who had +admired her in America, when she was a wife, as +much as an honourable man can admire the wife +of another, could not live in the same house with +a woman still lovely, and even more than ever intellectual +and agreeable, without feeling for her a +very sincere affection; and as their ages were +suitable, he made her proposals of marriage of the +most advantageous and generous nature. But my +mother could not love again: and though at her +time of life, and that of her lover, she thought +that mutual esteem and the wish to secure a companion +for declining years was a sufficient excuse +for a second marriage; still, she had an unconquerable +aversion to form any connexion, and +more especially one which would remove her to +such a distance from me. When she told me how +strongly she had been solicited, and that the advantages +which she should ultimately secure to +me by this union were held up to her in so seducing +a light, as nearly once to overset her resolution, +I was so overcome by the thought of the escape +which I had had, that I threw my arms round her, +and bursting into an agony of tears exclaimed, +"What could have ever made me amends for +losing you? The very idea of it kills me."</p> + +<p>My mother was excessively affected when I said +this; but I soon saw that her tears were not tears +of tenderness alone; and looking at me with an +expression of sadness on her countenance, she +said, "Two years ago, my poor child, you would +have better borne the idea of such a separation; +and had I been a jealous person I should have been +hurt to see how completely a husband can supersede +even a mother. But I was pleased to see +this, because I saw in it a proof that you were a +happy wife: but perhaps you have now an idea, +though still a happy wife I trust, of the great +value of a parent, and can appreciate more justly +that love which nothing can ever alienate, or ever +render less."</p> + +<p>What could I answer her, and how?</p> + +<p>I did not attempt to speak, but I continued to +hold her in my arms, and at last I could utter, +"No, no, I never, never can bear to part with you."</p> + +<p>That day Lord Charles Belmour came, according +to his promise, and just as I had convinced myself +that it was my duty to overcome my dislike +to him, and to endeavour to convert him from an +enemy into a friend. Accordingly, I went <ins title="original has to down">down to</ins> +dinner prepared to receive him with even smiles; +but recollecting, when I saw him, his impudent +assertion, that his admiration of me meant +nothing, and that I was an alarmed prude, my +usual coldness came over me, while the deepest +blushes dyed my cheeks.</p> + +<p>However, I extended my hand to him, which +he kissed and pressed; and as he relinquished it +he turned up his eyes and muttered "Angelic +woman!" in a manner so equivocal, that, consistent +as it seemed with "his joke against me," I could +not help giving way to evident laughter.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles was too quick of apprehension to +be affronted at my mirth; on the contrary he felt +assured and flattered by it. He had expressed +his admiration only in derision and impertinence, +and as he saw that I understood him, he felt we +were much nearer being friends than we had ever +been before; and when our eyes met, a look +almost amounting to one of kindness passed +between us. Lord Charles now became particularly +animated; but some allusion which he made +to Lady Bell Singleton, while addressing my +husband, made me distrustful again, and I relapsed +into my usual manner; and he was My Lord and +Your Lordship, during the rest of the dinner. +Nor could I be insensible to the look of menace +which I subsequently beheld in his countenance. +It was not long before the storm burst on my devoted +head.</p> + +<p>"My dear madam," said he in his most affected +manner, "you are a prodigiously kind and obliging +help-mate, to provide your <i>caro sposo</i> with +so charming a <i>locum tenens</i> when you are confined +to your apartments. I found my friend here with +the prettiest young creature for a companion! and +then so loving she was!"</p> + +<p>"Loving!" said I involuntarily.</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes. Allow me to give you an idea of +her." Immediately, to the great annoyance of +my husband, with all his powers of mimickry, +he exhibited the manner and look of Charlotte +Jermyn, when looking up in Seymour's face, and +leaning against his arm, as I had myself seen her do.</p> + +<p>"Is not that like her?"</p> + +<p>"Very," replied I forcing a laugh.</p> + +<p>"Now shall I mimick your husband, and show +you how <i>he</i> looked in return? Shall I paint the +bashful but delighted consciousness which his look +expressed—the stolen glance, the—"</p> + +<p>"Hush, hush!" cried Pendarves, anger struggling +with confusion. "This is fancy painting, +and I like nothing but portraits."</p> + +<p>During this time I observed a struggle in my +mother's breast, and I sat in terror lest she should +say something severe to the noble mimick, and +make matters worse.</p> + +<p>But after this evident struggle, which I alone +observed, she leaned her arms on the table, and +fixed her powerful eyes steadfastly on Lord Charles, +looking at him as if she would have dived into the +inmost recesses of his heart.</p> + +<p>It was in vain that he endeavoured to escape +their searching glance; even his assurance felt +abashed, and his malignant spirit awed, till his +audacious and ill-intentioned banter was looked +into silence, and he asked for another bumper of +claret to drink my health. I was before overpowered +with gratitude to the judicious yet quiet +interference of this admirable parent, and the +recollection of our morning's conversation was still +present to me. No wonder, therefore, that my +spirits were easily affected, and that I felt my eyes +fill with tears.</p> + +<p>At this moment I luckily heard my child cry; +and faltering out, "Hark! that was my child's +voice," I hastened to the door; but unfortunately +the pocket-hole of my muslin gown caught in the +arm of my mother's chair, and Lord Charles insisted +on extricating me.</p> + +<p>I could now no longer prevent the tears from +flowing down my cheeks; which being perceived +by him, he said, in a sort of undertone, "Amiable +sensibility! There I see a mother's feelings!" +On which my mother, provoked beyond endurance, +said, in a low voice, but I overheard it, "My +lord, my daughter has a wife's feelings also."</p> + +<p>I was now disengaged happily, and I ran out +of the room.</p> + +<p>When I arrived in the nursery I found I was +not wanted. I therefore retired to my own apartment, +where I gave way to a violent burst of tears. +I had scarcely recovered myself, and had bathed +my eyes again and again in rose water, when my +husband entered the room.</p> + +<p>He had witnessed my emotion, and he could +not be easy without coming to inquire after me, +on pretence that the child's cry had alarmed +him.</p> + +<p>This affectionate attention was not lost upon +me, and I went down stairs with him with restored +spirits, and in perfect composure.</p> + +<p>My mother, who had walked to her own house, +was only just entering the door as we appeared; +therefore Lord Charles had been left alone; and +whether he thought this an affront to his dignity +or not, I cannot tell; but we did not find him in +a more amiable mood than when we left him.</p> + +<p>After looking at me very earnestly, while sipping +his coffee, he came close up to me, and said, +resuming his most affected tone, "Pray! what +eye-water do you use?"</p> + +<p>"Rose water only," was my reply.</p> + +<p>"Very bad, 'pon honour; I must send you +some of mine, as you are a person of exquisite +sensibility, and I fancy it is likely to be tried. +Upon my word, it took me a week to compose it; +and as I occasionally read novels, and the <i>Tête-à-tête +Magazine</i>, (which is, you know, exceedingly +affecting), I use it continually in order to preserve +the lustre of my eyes; and you see that in spite +of my acute feelings they retain all their pristine +brilliancy."</p> + +<p>As he said this, neither Pendarves nor myself, +though provoked at his noticing my swelled eyes, +could retain our gravity; for the eyes, which he +had thus opened to their utmost extent, were of +that description known by the name of boiled +gooseberries, and were really dead eyes, except +when the rays of satirical intelligence forced themselves +through them: for the sake of exciting a +laugh, he had now dismissed from them every +trace of meaning, and consequently every tint of +colour.</p> + +<p>His purpose effected, he resumed his sarcastic +expression; and turning from me with a look +full of sarcastic meaning, he said, "Ah! <i>comme +de coutume</i>—after tragedy comes farce."</p> + +<p>My mother now asked him whether he had ever +seen her house and garden; and on his answering +in the negative, she challenged him to take a walk +with her.</p> + +<p>"I never," replied he, bowing very low, "refused +the challenge of a fine woman in my life; +and till my horses come round, I am at your +service, madam." Then, hiding his real chagrin +under a thousand impertinent grimaces, he followed +my mother.</p> + +<p>"I would give something to hear their conversation," +said Pendarves, thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"And so would I: no doubt it will be monitory +on her part."</p> + +<p>"Monitory! What for?"</p> + +<p>"If you do not know, I am sure I shall not +tell you."</p> + +<p>And with an expression of conscious +embarrassment on his countenance, my husband asked +me to walk with him round the shrubbery.</p> + +<p>My mother and Lord Charles did not return +till the carriage was driving up. We examined +their countenances with a very scrutinizing eye; +but on my mother's all we could distinguish was +her usual expression of placid and dignified intelligence; +that of Lord Charles exhibited its usual +<i>cattish</i> and alarming look.</p> + +<p>What had passed, therefore, we could not guess; +but we saw very clearly, that we should not be +justified in joking on the subject of their <i>tête-à-tête</i>; +and simply saying that it was beyond the +time fixed for his departure, Lord Charles now +respectfully kissed my hand, and told Pendarves +he hoped he should soon see him in London. He +then left the room without taking the smallest +notice of my mother, and was driving off before +my husband could ask him a reason of conduct +so strange.</p> + +<p>"Pray, madam," said Pendarves, when he +returned into the room, "did Lord Charles take +leave of you?"</p> + +<p>"He did not."</p> + +<p>"Then I solemnly declare that before we ever +meet again he shall give me a sufficient reason for +his impertinence, or apologize to you; for there +lives not the being who shall dare, while I live, to +affront you with impunity."</p> + +<p>"My dear, dear son," cried my mother, "look +not so like, so <i>very</i> like—"</p> + +<p>Here her voice failed her, and she leant on +Seymour's shoulder, while he affectionately +embraced her. Dear to my heart were any tokens +of love which passed between my mother and my +husband.</p> + +<p>Seymour's strong likeness to my father in moments +of great excitement always affected her thus, +and endeared him to her.</p> + +<p>When my mother recovered herself, she desired +Pendarves would remain quiet, and not trouble +himself to revenge her quarrels.</p> + +<p>"Indeed," said she, "I am much flattered, +and not affronted, by the rudeness of Lord Charles, +as it proves that what I said to him gave him the +pain which I intended. The wound therefore +will rankle for some time, and produce a good +effect. Nor should I be surprised if he were to +send me a letter of apology in a day or two; for, +if I read him aright, he has understanding enough +to value the good opinion of a respectable woman, +and would rather be on amicable terms with me +than not."</p> + +<p>"I hope you are right," replied Pendarves; +"for I do not wish to quarrel with him: yet I +will never own as my friend the man who fails in +respect to you."</p> + +<p>"I thank you, my dear son," said my mother +with great feeling, and the evening passed in the +most delightful and intimate communion. Nor I +really believe, were Charlotte Jermyn or Lord +Charles again remembered. So true is it, that +when the tide of family affection runs smooth and +unbroken, it bears the bark of happiness securely +on its bosom.</p> + +<p>Shortly after Lord Charles's visit I was so unwell, +that I was forbidden to nurse my child any longer, +and I had to endure the painful trial of weaning +and surrendering her to the bosom of another. +But most evils in this life, even to our mortal +vision, are attended with a counter-balancing +good.</p> + +<p>At this time it was the height of the gay season +in London, and I saw that my husband began to +grow tired of home, and sigh for the busy scenes +of the metropolis, whither, had I been still a +nurse, I could not have accompanied him: but +now, however unwilling I might be to leave my +infant, I felt that it must not interfere with the +duty which I owed its father; for my mother had +often said, and my own observation confirmed the +truth of the saying, that alienation between husband +and wife has often originated in the woman's +losing sight of the duty and attention she owes the +father of her children, in exclusive fondness and +attention to the children themselves, and she often +warned me against falling into this error.</p> + +<p>She therefore highly approved my intention to +leave my babe under her care, and accompany +Pendarves to London, where she well knew he +was exposed to temptations and to dangers against +which my presence might probably secure him.</p> + +<p>"Yes: my child!" said she, as if thinking +aloud, for I am sure she did not intend to grieve +me, "Yes, go with your husband while you can, +and have as few separate pleasures and divided +hours as possible; for they lead to divided hearts. +But if you have a large family you will not be +able to leave home. Go therefore while you can, +and while I am with you, and turn me to account +while I am still here to serve you. That time I +know will be short enough!"</p> + +<p>It is not in the power of language to convey an +adequate idea of the agony with which I listened +to these words. Never before had my mother so +pointedly alluded to her conviction that her health +was decaying; and if the idea of separation from +her by a happy marriage was so painful to my +feelings, what must be the idea of that terrible +and eternal separation?</p> + +<p>Pendarves came in in the midst of my distress +and almost fiercely demanded who had been so +cruelly afflicting me, fearing, no doubt, that I +had heard something concerning him, and naturally +enough conceiving that no great grief could +reach me, except through that or from him.</p> + +<p>My mother gently replied, "She has been afflicting +herself, foolish child! I said, unwillingly +I allow, what might have prepared her for an +unavoidable evil; but she chooses to fancy, poor +thing! that I am not mortal: yet, see here, Seymour!" +As she said this she turned up her long +loose sleeves, and showed him her once fine arm +fallen away comparatively to nothing!</p> + +<p>I never saw my husband much more affected: +he seized that faded arm, and, pressing it repeatedly +to his lips, turned away and burst into +tears—then folding us in one embrace he faltered +out, "My poor Helen! Well indeed might I find +you thus!" But my mother solemnly promised +that she would never so afflict me again.</p> + +<p>In the midst of this scene a letter was brought +to my mother. It was from Lord Charles, and +was so like the man, that I shall transcribe it.</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Madam,</p> + +<p><span class="ind2"> </span>"I doubt not but you were amazed, +and probably offended, at my quitting the house +of your son-in-law without taking leave of you, +as you are not a woman likely to think my silence +at the moment of parting from you was to be +attributed to the tender passion which I had conceived +for your beauty and accomplishments. +But, madam, if my silence was not attributable +to love, so neither was it caused by hate; and I +beg leave, hat in hand, and on bended knee, to +explain whence my conduct proceeded. In the +first place, madam, you had given me a blow, a +stunning blow; and after a man has been stunned, +he does not soon recover himself sufficiently to +know what he is about, and how he ought to +behave. In the next place, I endeavoured to remember +how the great Earl of Essex behaved +when Queen Elizabeth gave him a blow, or in +other words a box on the ear (for blow I need not +tell a lady of your erudition is the <i>genus</i>, and +box on the ear the <i>species</i>). Now that noble Earl +did not return the blow (which I own I was very +much inclined to do), but he departed in silence +from her presence, I believe; and so <i>I</i> in imitation +of <i>him</i> from yours. Methinks I hear you exclaim +'The little lord is mad! I gave him no blow.' +Not with your hand, I own; but with your tongue, +'that unruly member,' as St. James so justly +calls it; you gave me a tingling blow on the cheek +of my mind, which it still feels, and for which perhaps +it may be the better. It is this consideration, +and the belief that your motives were kind, though +your treatment was rough, and that you only +meant, like the bear in the fable, to guard me +from a slight evil, though you broke my head in +doing it; it is this belief, I say, that now throws +me thus a suppliant at your feet, and makes me +beg of you to excuse all my rudeness, and all my +faults, whether caused by imitation of Lord Essex, +or my own sinful propensities, and to raise me +up to receive not the kiss of peace, for to that I +dare not aspire, but to grasp and carry to my +heart the white hand tendered to me in token of +forgiveness.</p> + +<p>"I am, madam, with the liveliest esteem, and +the deepest respect, your obliged, though stricken +servant,</p> + +<p class="right">"<span class="smallcaps">Charles Firebrand.</span>"<span class="ind2"> </span></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>"Ridiculous person!" said my mother, when +she had finished the letter, giving it to me at the +same time.</p> + +<p>When I had read it, I asked her to tell us what +she had said to him. "And why," said Pendarves, +"does he sign himself Charles Firebrand?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! thereby hangs a tale," said my mother +blushing, "which I, I assure you, shall not tell: +therefore ask me no questions. If ever Lord +Charles and I meet again, the white hand shall +be tendered to him. Nay, perhaps I shall answer +his letter."</p> + +<p>And so she did; but we never saw what she +wrote: however, I am convinced, that she had +called him a firebrand, and reproved him for +his evident desire of making mischief between my +husband and me. Nor can I doubt but that the +justice of her reproofs made them more stinging +to the heart of the offender, and that he felt at +the time a degree of unspeakable and unutterable +resentment, on which his cooler judgment made +him feel it impolitic to act; for he had, as my +mother said, too much good sense not to value +her acquaintance.</p> + +<p>I must now return to Charlotte Jermyn. I +forgot to say, that she wrote a very fawning letter +of thanks to me after her return home, thanking +me for my kindness to her, and hoping that I +would send for her again whenever she could be +of any service to me. I have reason to think that +she also wrote more than once to my husband: +but he never communicated what she wrote to me; +and I had the mortification to find how vainly I +had tried to give him those habits of openness and +ingenuousness which can alone render the nearest +and tenderest ties productive of confidence and +happiness.</p> + +<p>Now, after a silence of four months, she again +wrote to me to inform me that she was married +to a young ensign in a marching regiment quartered +near her father's house; but as it was against +her father's consent, she had been forced to go +to Gretna Green, and that her father, Mr. Jermyn, +continued inexorable.</p> + +<p>This letter I communicated to my husband, +who was, I found, already acquainted with the +circumstance, though he did not tell me by what +means he knew it. He also told me that her +father has since assured her of his forgiveness; +but told her at the same time, that he could bestow +on her nothing else, as he had ten children, and +a small income; and that the young couple had +nothing to live upon except the pay of an ensign +of foot.</p> + +<p>"I am sure <i>I</i> can do nothing for her," Pendarves +added; "for my own wants, or rather +my expenses, are beyond my means."</p> + +<p>"And were they not," answered I, "I do not +feel that Charlotte Jermyn, or rather Mrs. Saunders, +has any claims on you."</p> + +<p>"Still, I would not let her starve, if I could +help it; but I cannot."</p> + +<p>I did not like to ask whether she had applied +to him to lend her money; but I suspected that +she had, and that he had refused: for soon after +I saw him receive a letter, which he read with an +angry and flushed countenance, and thrust into +the fire, muttering as he did so,</p> + +<p>"Confounded fool, insolent!"</p> + +<p>I felt, however, that her visit to me, and the +terms which we had been upon, made it indispensable +for me to give her a wedding gift, and I +sent her money instead of a present in consideration +of her poverty, desiring her to buy what +she wanted most in remembrance of me. My +letter and its contents, much to the annoyance of +us both, she answered in person, bringing her +husband with her; and they came with so evident +an intention of staying all night, spite of the +coldness of their reception, that we were forced +to offer them a bed.</p> + +<p>The next day, however, even their assurance +was not proof against the repelling power of our +cold civility, and they departed, neither of us +prejudiced in favour of the husband, and leaving +me disgusted by the wife's forward behaviour to +Pendarves.</p> + +<p>I now, according to my mother's advice, proposed +to Pendarves a visit to London: but, to +my great surprise, he seemed to have no relish +for the scheme; and telling me we would talk +further about it, he dropped the subject.</p> + +<p>Most gladly should I have welcomed this +unwillingness to go to London, if I could have +attributed it to a preference for home and for the +country; but I had no reason to do this, and I +feared it proceeded only from inability to meet the +expenses of a London establishment, even for a +few weeks; and of this I was soon convinced.</p> + +<p>I told you a few pages back, that I was so cruel +as to rejoice in my aunt's being rendered unable +to write, by a violent inflammation in the eyes; +but as that did not deprive her of locomotion, +most unexpectedly one day, Mr. and Mrs. Pendarves +drove up to my mother's door, and soon +after she accompanied them to our house. I was +dressing when they arrived, and I saw myself +change even to alarming paleness when my mother +came up to announce them. I also saw she was +as much disconcerted as I was.</p> + +<p>"Oh! if my dear uncle had but come alone," +said she, "the visit would have been delightful!" +But, here we were interrupted by Pendarves, who +came in with "So, Helen! I suppose you know +who is come. Oh! that one could but transfer the +disease from the eyes to the tongue, and bandage +that up instead of the former! What shall we do? +For, probably, as she can't use her eyes, she +makes her tongue work double tide."</p> + +<p>"Suppose," replied I, "we bribe our surgeon +to assure her that entire silence is the only cure +for inflamed eyes?"</p> + +<p>"The best thing we can do," observed my +mother, "is to bear with fortitude this unavoidable +evil; and also to try to remember her virtues more +than her faults."</p> + +<p>When I went down, I found my mother admiring +her beaver hat and feathers.</p> + +<p>"Yes," she replied, "I think my beaver very +pretty. What is it the mad poet says about 'my +beaver?' Oh! I have it—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'When glory like a plume of feathers stood</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> Perched on my beaver in the briny flood.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"Do you then bathe in the sea with your beaver +on?" said my mother.</p> + +<p>"Well! there's a question for a sensible woman!" +cried my aunt, not seeing the sarcasm: then +turning to me, she welcomed me with a cordial +kiss; but I was struck by the great coldness with +which she greeted Seymour.</p> + +<p>My uncle, however, received us both with the +kindest manner possible.</p> + +<p>But I forgave all her oddness, when she saw +my child; for praise of her child always finds its +way to a mother's heart; and she was in raptures +with its beauty. She pitied me too for being +forced to give her up to a nurse; but she added, +"I hope she is not, to use the words of the bard, a</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" border="0" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'Stern rugged nurse, with rigid lore,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> Our patience many a year to bore.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>Then renewing her caresses and her praises, +she banished from my remembrance for a while +all but her affectionate heart.</p> + +<p>At dinner, however, she restored to me my +fears of her, and my dislike to her visit; for she +called my husband Mr. Seymour Pendarves at +every word, though my mother she called Julia, +and me Helen;—wishing, as I saw, to point out +to every one that <i>he</i> was not in her good graces. +But why? Alas! I doubted not but I should hear +too soon; and, feeling myself a coward, I carefully +avoided being alone with her that evening.</p> + +<p>What she had to tell I knew not, and whether +it regarded Charlotte Jermyn or Lady Bell; but +I summoned up resolution to ask Pendarves whether +he had ever visited Lady Bell Singleton in company +with Lord Charles; and without hesitation, though +with great confusion, he owned that he had.</p> + +<p>"What! more than once?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Why did you not tell me of it?"</p> + +<p>"Because I thought, after what you had heard, +it might make you uneasy."</p> + +<p>"Should you ever do," I replied, forcing a +smile, "what in our relative situation it would +make me uneasy to be informed of?"</p> + +<p>"Not if your uneasiness would be at all well +founded."</p> + +<p>"But concealment implies consciousness of +something indiscreet, if not wrong; and had you +told me yourself of your visits to Lady Bell, I +could have set Mrs. Pendarves and her insinuations +at defiance."</p> + +<p>"And can you not now?"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps so; but no thanks to your ingenuousness. +However, I must own," said I, smiling +affectionately, "that no one answers questions +more readily."</p> + +<p>I had judged rightly in preparing myself for +my encounter with Mrs. Pendarves, as she took +the first opportunity of telling me how much she +pitied me: for she had heard of the affair with the +young lady who came to nurse me in my lying in, +which was of a piece with the renewal of intercourse +with Lady Bell Singleton. "But I assure +you," she added, "his uncle means to tell him +a piece of his mind; and if he does not, I will."</p> + +<p>On hearing this I thought proper to laugh as +well as I could; which perfectly astonished my +aunt, as I knew it would do, and she demanded +a reason of my ill-timed mirth. I told her that I +laughed at her mountain's having brought forth a +mouse: for that the affair with the young lady +ended in her marrying a young ensign, soon after +she left us, for love, and that I had given her a +wedding present; and that I knew from Seymour +himself that he visited Lady Bell Singleton: I +therefore begged she would keep her pity, and +my uncle his advice, for those who required them.</p> + +<p>My mother entered the room at this moment, +and I had great pleasure in repeating to her what +had passed: for I was glad to impress her with +an idea that my husband confided in me. I saw +that I had succeeded.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Pendarves," said she, gravely, "I am +sorry to find you are one of those who act the +part of an enemy while fancying you are performing +that of a friend. What good could you do +my daughter by telling her of her husband's +errors, had the charge been a true one? Answer +me that. Surely, where 'ignorance is bliss, 'tis +folly to be wise.'"</p> + +<p>"But she could not be ignorant long—she +must know it some time or other, and it was +better she should hear it from a sympathizing and +affectionate friend like me. However, I did not +mean to be officious and troublesome, and I am +glad Mr. Seymour Pendarves is better than I supposed +he was."</p> + +<p>"Madam," replied my mother, "Seymour, +like other persons, is better, much better than a +gossiping world is willing to allow any one to be. +And it is hard indeed that a man's own relations +should implicitly believe and propagate what they +hear against him."</p> + +<p>"Take my advice, my dear little aunt, and +always inquire before you condemn; which advice +is your due, in return for the large store of that +commodity which you are so willing to bestow on +other people."</p> + +<p>My aunt was silent a moment, as if considering +whether in what was said there was most of +compliment, or most of reproof. Be that as it might, +she was too politic not to choose to believe there +was much of compliment implied in the mention +made of her willingness to bestow advice. She +therefore looked pleased, declared her pleasure at +finding all was well, and that she found even the +best authority was not always to be depended +upon. At dinner that day, to show, I conclude, +that Seymour was restored to her favour, she +asked him to pay her a visit at their house in +town; but on my saying that I expected she +would include me in the invitation, as I wished to +go to London, she turned round with great quickness +and exclaimed, "What! and leave your +sweet babe?"</p> + +<p>The censure which this abrupt question conveyed +gave a sort of shock to my feelings, and I +could not answer her; but my mother instantly +replied, "My daughter's health requires a little +change of scene, and surely she can venture to +intrust her infant to my care."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes! but how can she bear to leave it?"</p> + +<p>"The trial will be great, I own," said I; "but +I am not yet so very a mother as to forget I am a +wife; and as I must either leave my child, or give +up accompanying my husband, of the two evils I +prefer the first."</p> + +<p>"Oh! true, true, I never thought of that," was +her sage reply; "and you are right, my dear, +quite right, as husbands are, to go to take care of +yours; and I advise you to keep a sharp look-out—for +there are hawks abroad."</p> + +<p>"Hawks!" said my uncle smiling, "turtle +doves more likely; and they are the most dangerous +bird of the two."</p> + +<p>This observation gave Pendarves time to recover +the confusion his aunt's speech had occasioned +him, and he told me he was much amused to see +that I had positively arranged a journey to London +for him and for myself, without his having ever +expressed an intention of going at all.</p> + +<p>"But I knew you wished to go, and I thought it +was your kind reluctance to ask me to leave my child +which alone prevented your expressing your wishes."</p> + +<p>"Indeed, Helen, you are right: I never should +have thought of asking you to leave your child; +and I own I am flattered to find I am still dearer +to you than she is: therefore, if my uncle and +aunt will be troubled with us, I shall be very +happy to visit London as their guest."</p> + +<p>"Is it possible," cried I, "that you can think +of going any where but to a lodging?"</p> + +<p>"Is it possible," cried Mrs. Pendarves, "that +you can prefer a lodging to being the guest of +your uncle and aunt?"</p> + +<p>"To being the guest even of a father and +mother; for when one has much to see in a little +time, there is nothing like the liberty and convenience +of a lodging."</p> + +<p>"Well, well, Helen," said Pendarves, rather +impatiently, "that may be; but <i>this year</i>, if +you please, we will go to Stratford Place."</p> + +<p>I said no more, and it was settled that we should +follow my uncle and aunt to town, and take up +our residence with them. But the next day my +mother, who thought the plan as foolish and +disagreeable as I did, desired me to find out, if I +could, why my husband consented to be the guest +of a woman whose society was so offensive to him: +"And if," said she, "it is because he cannot +afford to take lodgings, you may tell him, that I +have both means and inclination to answer all the +necessary demands; and moreover I have a legacy +of £2000 untouched, which I have always meant +to give you, Helen, on the birth of your first +child; and that also is at your service."</p> + +<p>I shall pass over my feelings on this occasion, +and my expression of them. Suffice that my +husband owned his "poverty, and not his will, +consented" to his acceptance of our relation's +offer; and that he thankfully received my mother's +bounty. The legacy, however, he resolved to +secure to me, as my own property, and so tied up +that he could not touch it. We found, however, +that we must spend part of our time with my +uncle and aunt; but at the end of ten days we +removed to lodgings near them.</p> + +<p>I was soon sensible of the difference between +the present time in London and the past. I found +that Pendarves, though his manner was as kind +as ever, used to accept in succession engagements +in which I had no share; and if it had not been +for the society of Mr. and Mrs. Ridley, and my +uncle and aunt, I should have been much alone; +and have pined after my child and mother even +more than I did. Still ardently indeed did I long +to return home; and had I not believed I was at +the post of duty, I should have urged my husband to +let me go home without him.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles was frequently with us, and, had +I chosen it, would have been my escort every where: +but I still distrusted him; and I suspect that it +was in revenge he so often procured Pendarves +dinner invitations, from which he rarely returned +till day-light; and once he was evidently in such +low spirits, that I was sure he had been at play, +and had lost every thing.</p> + +<p>We had now been several weeks in London, and +I grew very uneasy at my prolonged separation +from my child, and at my mother's evidently +declining health—besides having reason to think +that my husband would have enjoyed London +more without me; for Lord Charles took care to +tell me often, that had I not been with him, +Pendarves would have gone thither; always adding, +"So you see what a tame domestic animal you +have made of him, and what a tractable obedient +husband he is." There is perhaps nothing more +insiduous and pernicious, than to tell a proud man +that he is governed by a wife, or a mistress, provided +he has great conscious weakness of character; +and Lord Charles knew that was the case with +Pendarves. And I am very sure that he accepted +many invitations which he would otherwise have +declined, because his insiduous friend reproached +him with being afraid of me.</p> + +<p>Ranelagh was still the fashion, and my husband +had still a pride in showing me in its circles; but +even there I was sensible of a change. He now +was not unwilling to resign the care of me to +other men, while he went to pay his compliments +to dashing women of fashion, and give them the +arm once exclusively mine. Still, these occasional +neglects were too trifling to excite my fears or my +jealousy, and I expected, when we returned to +our country home, that it would be with unclouded +prospects. But while I dreamt of perpetual sunshine, +the storm was gathering which was to cloud +my hours in sorrow.</p> + +<p>I had vainly expected a letter from my mother +for two days,—and she usually wrote every day,—a +circumstance which had depressed my spirits +in a very unusual manner; and I was consequently +little prepared to bear with fortitude the abrupt +entrance of my husband in a state of great agitation: +but pale and trembling I awaited the painful +communication which I saw he was about to make.</p> + +<p>"Helen!" cried he, "if you will not or cannot +assist me, I am likely to be arrested every moment."</p> + +<p>"Arrested! What for?" cried I, relieved beyond +measure at hearing it was a distress which money +could remove.</p> + +<p>"Aye, Helen, dearest creature! There is the +pang—for a debt so weakly contracted!"</p> + +<p>"Oh! a gaming debt to Lord Charles, I suppose?"</p> + +<p>"No, no, would it were!—though I own that +way also I have been very culpable."</p> + +<p>"Keep me no longer in suspense, I conjure +you."</p> + +<p>"Why you know what a rash marriage that +silly girl Charlotte Jermyn made."</p> + +<p>"Go on."</p> + +<p>"Well—her husband was forced to sell his +commission to pay his debts: but that was not +sufficient; and to save him from a jail, I had the +folly to be bound for him in no less a sum than +several hundreds."</p> + +<p>"But who asked you? Are they in London?"</p> + +<p>"They were."</p> + +<p>"And you saw them?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Why did you not tell me they were here?"</p> + +<p>"Because they were persons with whom I did +not choose my wife to associate."</p> + +<p>"Were they fit associates for you then?" was +on my tongue, but I suppressed it; for mistaken +indeed is the wife who thinks reproach can ever +do ought but alienate the object of it.</p> + +<p>"But did you often visit them? and what made +them presume to apply to you?"</p> + +<p>"Necessity. She wrote to me again and again, +and she way-laid me too—what could I do? I was +never proof against a woman's tears—and I was +bound for him."</p> + +<p>"Well, and what then?"</p> + +<p>"Why, the rascal is gone off, and left his wife +without a farthing, to maintain herself as she +can."</p> + +<p>"Is she in London?" cried I, turning very +faint.</p> + +<p>"No, at Dover; but, as soon as it is known +that he is off, I expect to be arrested for the money; +and for me to raise it is impossible; but you, +Helen—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes—I understand you," I replied, +speaking with great difficulty: "the legacy—I +will drive instantly to the bankers—and take it, +take it all, if you wish."</p> + +<p>Here my voice and even my eye-sight totally +failed me, and almost my intellects; but I neither +fell nor fainted.—Miserable suspicions and certain +anxiety came over me, and in one moment life +seemed converted into a dreary void. My situation +alarmed Pendarves almost to phrensy. He rung +for the servants, sent for the nearest surgeon, +without my being able to oppose any thing he +ordered—for I could not speak: and I was carried +to my room, and even bled, before I had the power +of uttering a word.</p> + +<p>"The lady has undergone a violent shock," +said the surgeon; and the conscience-stricken Seymour +ran out of the room in an agony too mighty +for expression.</p> + +<p>I was now forced to swallow some strong nervous +medicine; and at length, feeling myself able to +speak again, I ejaculated "Thank God!" and +fell into a passion of tears, which considerably +relieved me.</p> + +<p>My kind but officious maid had meanwhile sent +for Mrs. Pendarves, who eagerly demanded the +original cause of my seizure.</p> + +<p>"Dearest Helen, do you tell your aunt," said +Seymour, "how it was."</p> + +<p>"I had been fretting for two days," I replied, +"on account of my mother's silence; and while +I was talking to Seymour, this violent hysterical +seizure came over me. Indeed, I had experienced +all the morning, my love, previous to your coming +in, a most unusual depression." This statement, +though true, was I own deceptive; but I could +not tell all the truth without exposing my husband.—Oh! +how fondly did his eyes thank me! My +aunt was satisfied; she insisted on sitting by my +bedside while I slept,—for an anodyne was given +me,—and I consented to receive her offered kindness. +Nay, I must own that, in the conscious +desolation of my heart at that moment, I felt +strangely soothed by expressions of kindness, and +was covetous of those endearments from her which +before I had wished to avoid. But my hand now +returned and courted the affectionate pressure of +hers; and I seemed to cling to her as a friend who, +if she knew all, would have sorrowed over me +like a mother; and while sleep was consciously +stealing over me, I was pleased to know that she +was watching beside my pillow.</p> + +<p>I had forbidden Pendarves to come near me, +because the sight of his distress prevented my +recovery, and perfect quiet was enjoined.</p> + +<p>But, when I was asleep he would not be kept +from the bedside; and he betrayed so much deep +feeling, and exhibited so much affection for me, +that when I woke, and desired to rise and dress, +as I was quite recovered, my aunt was lavish in +his praise, and declared she was now convinced +he was the best of husbands.</p> + +<p>Pendarves would fain have staid at home with +me that day; but I insisted on his going out, as +I thought it would be better for us both; and I +told him with truth I preferred his aunt's company +to his. Our next meeting alone was truly painful; +for we could neither of us advert to my excessive +emotion. He could not explain away its cause, +nor could I name it: but he, though silent, was +affectionate and attentive, and I tried to force my +too busy fancy to dwell only on what I knew and +saw, and not to fly off to sources of disquiet, +which spite of appearances might really not exist.</p> + +<p>The next morning, as soon as breakfast was +over, we drove to the banker's, resumed the whole +of the deposit, and I insisted that Pendarves +should accept it all. This he was very unwilling +to do—but I was firm, and my mind was tranquillized +by his consenting at last to my desire. +Yet, I think I was not foolish enough to suppose +I could buy his constancy.</p> + +<p>One thing which I said to him I instantly repented. +I asked him whether Mrs. Saunders was +likely to remove to London. He said, he did not +know: "But if she does, what then? O Helen! +can you suppose I will ever see her now?" he +added.</p> + +<p>"And why not?" thought I, when he quitted +me—"If it was ever proper to see her, why not +now? And why should I seem to be accusing him, +by appearing solicitous to know whether he would +see her or not?"</p> + +<p>Alas! his reply only served to make me more +wretched; but, fortunately I may say, my mother's +continued silence made a sort of diversion to my +thoughts, and substituted tender for bitter anxiety.</p> + +<p>That very day the demand was made on my +husband by the creditor of Saunders, and while +he was gone out with this man on business in bustled +my kind but mischievous aunt.</p> + +<p>"How are you to-day," said she, "my poor child? +but I see how you are—sitting like patience on a +monument, smiling with grief!"</p> + +<p>"With grief! dear aunt?"</p> + +<p>"Yes: for do you think I do not know all? +Oh, the wicked man!"</p> + +<p>"Whom, madam, do you call wicked?"</p> + +<p>"Your husband, child: has he not been keeping +up an acquaintance with that girl, who married? +and has he not been bound for her husband? and +is not the man run away, and he liable to be +arrested for the debt? and where he can get the +money to pay it I can't guess—I am sure my Mr. +Pendarves will not pay it. Nay, <i>I</i> know 'tis all, +all true—my maid, I find, met him walking in +the park with her, and the creditor is my maid's +brother."</p> + +<p>Here she paused exhausted with her own vehemence; +and I replied, "I am sorry, madam, that +you listen to tales told you by your servant: I +am also sorry that a transaction which though +rash was kind, is known to more persons than +my husband and me. I know as well as you that +Pendarves visited at Mrs. Saunders's lodgings, +and he was very likely seen in the park with her. +To the money transaction I am also privy, and I +assure you my Mr. Pendarves need not apply to +yours on this or, I trust, on any occasion; for +the creditor has been here, and he is paid by this +time."</p> + +<p>"Then he must have borrowed the money, for +I know he has lost a great deal lately."</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Pendarves," said I, rising with great +agitation, "I will not allow you to speak thus of +the husband whom I love and honour. I tell you +that he has paid the creditor with his <i>own</i> money; +and if you persist in a conversation so offensive +to me, I will quit the room."</p> + +<p>"How! this to me? Do you consider who I +am—and our relationship?"</p> + +<p>"You are the wife of my great uncle, madam, +no more; and were you even my mother, I would +not sit and listen tamely to aspersions of my +husband, and I must desire that our conversations +on this subject may end here."</p> + +<p>I believe there is nothing more formidable while +it lasts, than the violence of those who are habitually +mild—because surprise throws the persons +who are attacked off their guard; and it also +magnifies to them the degree of violence used.</p> + +<p>The poor little woman was not only awed into +silence, but affected unto tears; and I was really +obliged to sooth her into calmness, declaring that +I was sure she meant well, and that I had never +doubted the goodness of her heart.</p> + +<p>The next day brought the long expected letter +from my mother; and its contents made all that +I had yet endured light, in comparison; for they +alarmed me for the life of my child! She was, +however, declared out of danger for the present, +when my mother wrote.</p> + +<p>It is almost needless to add, that as soon as +horses could be procured, Pendarves and I were +on the road home.</p> + +<p>I must pass rapidly over this part of my narrative. +Suffice, that she vacillated between life and death +for three months; that then she was better, and +my husband left me to join Lord Charles at Tunbridge +Wells, whither he had been ordered for +his health; that he had not been gone a fortnight, +when her worst symptoms returned, and my mother +wrote to him as follows:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"Come instantly, if you wish to see your child +alive, and preserve the senses of your wife! When +all is over, your presence alone can, I believe, save +her from distraction.</p> +<p class="right">J. P."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>He instantly set off for home, and arrived +at a moment when I could be alive to the joy +of seeing him; for my child had just been pronounced +better! But what a betterness! For six +weeks longer, watched by us all day and all night +with never-failing love, it lingered on and on, +endeared to us every day the more, in proportion +as it became more helpless, and we more void of +hope, till I was doomed to see its last faint breath +expire, and<span class="nowrap">——</span>no more on this subject—</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="narrow" /> +<p> </p> +<p>I believe my mother was right; I believe that, +dearly as I loved her, her presence alone would +not have kept my grief within the bounds of reason: +but the presence of him whose grief was on a +par with mine, of him whom love and duty equally +bade me exert myself to console, had indeed a +salutary effect on me; and it at length became a +source of comfort to reflect, that the object of +our united regrets was mercifully removed from +a state of severe suffering, and probably from +evils to come. But my progress towards recovered +tranquillity bore no proportion to Seymour's; for, +when I was capable of reflection, I felt that in +losing my child I lost one of my strongest holds +on the affection of my husband. Consequently, +the clearer my mind grew after the clouds of grief +dispersed, the more vividly was I sensible of my +loss.</p> + +<p>I also became conscious that the habitual dejection +of my spirits, which was pleasing to Seymour's +feelings while his continued in unison with +mine, would become distasteful, and make his +home disagreeable, as soon as he was recovering +his usual cheerfulness. Still, I could not shake +it off—and by my mother's advice I urged him to +renew his visit to Lord Charles, who was still an +invalid.</p> + +<p>To Tunbridge Wells he therefore again went, +leaving me to indulge unrestrained that pernicious +grief which even his presence had not controuled, +and also to impair both my health and my person +in a degree which it might be difficult ever to +restore.</p> + +<p>When Pendarves returned, which he did at the +end of six weeks, during which time he had +written in raptures of the new acquaintances which +he had formed at the Wells, he was filled with +pain and mortification at sight of my pale cheek, +meagre form, and neglected dress.</p> + +<p>What a contrast was I to the women whom he +had left! And even his affectionate disposition +and fine temper were not proof, after the first +ebullitions of tenderness had subsided, against +my dowdy wretched appearance, and my dejection +of manner.</p> + +<p>"Helen!" said he, "I cannot stand this—I +must go away again, if you persist to forget all +that is due to the living, in regard for the dead. +I have not been accustomed lately to pale cheeks, +meagre forms, and dismal faces. I love home, +and I love you; but neither my home nor you are +now recognisable."</p> + +<p>I was wounded, but reproved and amended: +I felt the justice of what he said, and resolved to +do my duty.</p> + +<p>Soon after he told me he was going away again; +and on my mother's gently reproaching him for +leaving me so much, he replied that he could not +bear to witness my altered looks, and to listen to +my mournful voice.</p> + +<p>While Pendarves was gone, I resolved to renew +my long neglected pursuits. I played on the +guitar; I resumed my drawing, and sometimes I +tried to sing: but that exertion I found at present +beyond my powers.</p> + +<p>After three weeks had elapsed, Seymour wrote +me word that he was about to return from the +Wells with some new friends of his, who were +coming to the mansion within four miles of us, +which had been so long uninhabited, called Oswald +Lodge. He said he should arrive there very late +on the Saturday night; but that after attending +church on the Sunday to hear a new curate preach, +whom they were to bring with them, he should +return home.</p> + +<p>I was mortified I own to think that he could +stop, after so long an absence, within four miles +of home; but I felt that I had lately made so +few efforts for his sake, that I had no right to +expect he would pay me an attention like this. +But to repine or look back was equally vain and +weak; and I resolved to act, in order to make +amends for what I could not but consider an indolent +indulgence of my own selfishness, however +disguised to me under the name of sensibility, +at the expense of my husband's happiness. And +as six months had now elapsed since the death of +my child, I resolved to throw off my mourning, +and make the house and myself look as cheerful +as they were wont to do.</p> + +<p>I also resolved to meet him at the church, which +was common to the parish whence he would come, +and ours also, and not to sit, as I had lately done, +in a pew whence I could steal in and out unseen; +but walk up the aisle, and sit in my own seat, +where I could see and be seen of others.</p> + +<p>My mother meanwhile observed in joyful silence +all my proceedings; and when she saw me stop +at the door in the carriage on the Sunday morning, +dressed in white, with a muslin bonnet, and +pelisse, lined with full pink, and a countenance +which was in a measure at least cheerful, she +embraced me with the warmest affection, and said +she hoped she should now see her own child again.</p> + +<p>Spite, however, of my well-motived exertions, +my nerves were a little fluttered when I recollected +that I was going to encounter the scrutinizing +observation of Seymour's new friends, who, if +arrived, would no doubt, from the situation of +the pew, see me during my progress to mine, +which was opposite. They were arrived before +me; for I saw white and coloured feathers nodding +at a distance: but I remembered it was not in the +temple of the Most High that fear of man ought +to be felt, and I followed my mother up the aisle +with my accustomed composure.</p> + +<p>Oh! how I longed to see whether my husband +was with the party! but I forebore to seek the +creature till the dues to the Creator were paid. +I then looked towards the opposite pew; but soon +withdrew my eyes again: for I saw my husband +listening with an animated countenance to what +a gentleman was saying to him, who was gazing +on me with an expression of great admiration. +I therefore only exchanged a glance of affectionate +welcome with Pendarves, and tried to remember +him and his companions no more.</p> + +<p>When service was ended Seymour eagerly left +his seat, and coming into mine proposed to introduce +me to his friends; "for now," said he in a +low voice, "I again see the wife I am proud of." +I smiled assent, and a formal introduction took +place.</p> + +<p>The party consisted of Mr. and Mrs. Oswald, +who after a long residence abroad were come to live +on their estate, and resume those habits of extravagance, +the effects of which they had gone abroad +to recover; of a Lord Martindale, the gentleman +I had before observed; and of one or two persons, +a sort of hangers-on in the family, who ministered +in some way or other to the entertainment of the +host and hostess.</p> + +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Oswald now politely urged my +mother and myself to favour them with our company +at dinner, my husband having promised to +return to them by five o'clock; but we declined +it, and Seymour attended us home. Seymour +expressed more by his looks than his words the +pleasure my change of dress and countenance had +occasioned him; for he was too delicate to expatiate +on what must recall to my mind only too forcibly +the cause of the difference which he had deplored: +but when he rejoiced over my recovered bloom, +and <i>embonpoint</i>, I reminded him that my bloom +was caused by my lining, and my seeming plumpness +by my pelisse. This was only too true. +Still I was, he saw, disposed to be all he wished +me; and when we reached our house, and he +beheld baskets of flowers in all the rooms, as +usual; when he beheld the light of day allowed +to penetrate into every apartment, except where +the sun was too powerful; when he saw my guitar +had been moved from its obscurity, and that my +portfolio seemed full of drawings; he folded my +still thin form with fondness to his heart, and +declared that he now felt himself quite a happy +man again. Nor would he leave me, to dine at +Oswald Lodge; and he sent an excuse, but promised +to call there on the morrow and take me +with him. The next day he summoned me to get +ready to fulfil his promise, and I obeyed him, +but with reluctance; for I felt already sure that I +should not like these new friends.</p> + +<p>In Lord Martindale I already saw an audacious +man of the world; and those spendthrift Oswalds, +those beings who seemed to think they came into +life merely to amuse it away, did not seem at all +suited to my taste or principles, and were certain +to be dangerous to a man of Seymour's tendency +to expense.</p> + +<p>On our way thither I asked if Lord Martindale +was married; and with a cheek which glowed with +emotion he replied, "Married! Oh yes! did I not +mention Lady Martindale to you? How strange!" +But I did not think it so, when I heard him descant +on her various attractions and talents with an +eloquence which was by no means pleasing to me.</p> + +<p>"Indeed," said I, sighing as I spoke, "I feel +it a great compliment, that you preferred staying +with your faded wife to dining with this brilliant +beauty."</p> + +<p>"Brilliant beauty! dear girl! In beauty she is +not to be compared to you. She is certainly ten +years older, and never was a beauty in her life. +She has very fine eyes, fine teeth, fine hair, and +a little round, perfectly formed person: <i>au reste</i>, +she is sallow, and, when not animated, plain: in +her expression, her endless variety, her gracefulness, +and her vivacity, lies her great charm. Altogether +<i>c'est une petite personne des plus piquantes</i>; and +with even more than the usual attraction of her +countrywomen."</p> + +<p>"Is she French then?"</p> + +<p>"Yes: she was well born, but poor; and her +great powers of fascination led Lord Martindale, +who was living abroad, to marry her, in spite of his +embarrassed fortune. They came over in the same +ship with the Oswalds, and thence the intimacy."</p> + +<p>By this time we had reached Oswald Lodge, +and were ushered through a hall redolent with +sweets to the morning room, where we found +Mrs. Oswald, splendidly attired, stringing coral +beads, and the gentlemen reading the papers. If +there ever was a complete contrast in nature, it +was my appearance and that of Mrs. Oswald. +Figure to yourself the greeting between a woman +of my great height, excessive meagreness, and +long neck, and one not exceeding five feet, with +legs making up in thickness for what they wanted +in length, with a short neck buried in fat, and +the rest of her form of suitable dimensions, while +the dropsical appearance of her person did not +however impede a short and quick waddling walk. +Figure to yourself also, a fair, fat, flat face, full of +good humour, and betokening a heart a stranger +to care, and then call to mind my different style +of features, complexion, and expression, particularly +at that melancholy period of my life.</p> + +<p>"What a fine caricature we should make!" +thought I; and it required all my dislike to +employ the talent for caricature which I possessed, +to prevent my drawing her and myself when I +went home. But I was ashamed of the satirical +manner in which I regarded her, when she welcomed +me with such genuine kindness; and ill +befall the being whom welcome and courtesy cannot +disarm of even habitual sarcasm! Mr. Oswald was +as courteous and kind as his wife, and Lord Martindale +looked even more soft meanings than he +uttered—adding, "When I saw you yesterday, +Mrs. Pendarves, I did not expect to see Mr. +Pendarves return to us to dinner. Nay, if he had, I +never could have forgiven him."</p> + +<p>"My lord," cried Oswald, "I did not expect +him for another reason, though I admit the full +force of yours. He knew Lady Martindale was +too unwell to dine below, for I told him so myself; +and 'my fair, fat, and forty' here was not likely +to draw him from 'metal more attractive'"—bowing +to me.</p> + +<p>"So then," said I to myself, "his staying with +me, for which I expressed my thanks, was no +compliment after all; and disingenuous as usual, +he did not tell me Lady Martindale would not be +visible!" I am ashamed to own how this little +incident disconcerted me. I had been flattered +by Seymour's staying at home, but now there +was nothing in it. Oh! the weakness of a woman +that loves!</p> + +<p>Seymour, who knew that I should be mortified, +and he lowered in my eyes by this discovery, was +more embarrassed and awkward than I ever knew +him, in paying his respects and making his inquiries +concerning the health of Lady Martindale, +and had just expressed his delight at hearing she +was recovered when the lady herself appeared: +she paid her compliments to me in a very easy +and graceful manner, and expressed herself much +pleased to see the lady of whom her lord had +raved ever since he saw her; and I suspect her +broken English gave what she said much of its +charm. At least I wished to think so then. I +found Seymour had painted her as she was, as to +externals; whether he had been as accurate a +delineator of her mind and general manners, I +was yet to learn.</p> + +<p>That she could dance, I had soon the means +of discovering; for she had a little French dog +with her, which had been taught to dance to a +tune; and while Mrs. Oswald played a slow waltz, +and then a jig, Lady Martindale, on pretence of +showing off the little dog, showed herself off to +the greatest possible advantage.—Whether she +glided smoothly along in graceful abandonment +of the waltz measure, or whether she sprung +lightly on the "gay fantastic toe," her fine arms +floated gracefully on the air, and her beautiful +feet moved with equal and as becoming skill. +When she had ended, she was repaid with universal +bravos and clapping of hands.</p> + +<p>Nothing could exceed the grace with which she +curtsied; and snatching the dog under her arm, +she went round the circle, extending her beautiful +hand to each of us, saying <i>"De grace! donnez +des gateaux à ma Fanchon:"</i><a name="fn1r" id="fn1r"></a><a href="#fn1"><sup><span class="small"> 1</span></sup></a> and the plate of +macaroons that stood near us was immediately +emptied before the little animal, who growled and +ate, to the great delight of his mistress, who +knelt in an attitude <i>fait à peindre</i> beside him.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn1" id="fn1"></a><a href="#fn1r">1</a>: Pray give cakes to my Fanchon.</p> + +<p>I cannot express to you what I felt when I saw +Seymour's eyes rivetted on this woman of display. +He watched her every movement, and seemed +indeed to feel she possessed <i>la grace plus belle +encore que la beauté</i>.<a name="fn2r" id="fn2r"></a><a href="#fn2"><sup><span class="small">2</span></sup></a> But who and what was she? +A French woman, and well-born, though poor.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn2" id="fn2"></a><a href="#fn2r">2</a>: Grace more beautiful still than beauty.</p> + +<p>Was it the quick-sightedness of jealousy, I +wonder, or was it that women read women better +than men do, where their love or their vanity is +concerned, which made me suspect that she had +been not only a <i>femme</i> de <i>talens</i>, but a <i>femme</i> +à <i>talens</i>, and that Lord Martindale had married a +woman who had been in public life? However, +what did that matter to me? Whatever she was, +she possessed fascinations which I had not; she +had a power of amusing and interesting which I +had never possessed; and I feared that to him +who could admire her I must soon cease to be an +object of love, though I might continue to be one +of esteem. But did I wish to please as she had +been pleasing? Did I wish to be able to exhibit +my person in attitudes so alluring? Would it have +been consistent with the modest dignity of an +English gentlewoman? Nay, would my husband +have liked to see me so exhibit in company? Notwithstanding, +to charm, amuse and fix his roving +eye, and enliven our domestic scenes, I could not +help wishing that I could do all she did. But I +could not do it, and I feared her. We were +asked to stay <ins title="original lacks to">to</ins> dinner, but we refused: however, +another day was fixed for our waiting on them, so +the evil was only delayed.</p> + +<p>And what were we doing? and wherefore? +We were entering into dinner visits, and with a +reduced income, with persons who lived in all the +luxuries of life, and of whom we knew nothing +but that ten years before they had been forced to +run away from their creditors, and that the chances +were they would be forced to do so again. The +wherefore was still less satisfactory to me. We +did it that my husband might amuse away his +hours; and, as I had reason to fear, forget in +this stimulating sort of company and diversions +the anxieties and the unhappy feelings which were +in future likely to cling to him at home. For I +was sure he was involved in debts which he could +not pay, and those who are so involved are always +forced to substitute constant amusement for happiness. +If they do not, they fly to intoxication; +but agreeable company and gay pursuits are the +better intoxication, I own, of the two.</p> + +<p>And was it come to this? Was my husband for +ever unfitted for the enjoyment of domestic comfort; +and was I reduced to the cruel alternative +of seeing him abstracted and unhappy, or of +parting with him to the abode of the Syren? +while I was sometimes forced to accompany him +thither, and witness his evident devotion to her, +his forgetfulness of me? Alas! such seemed to +be my situation at that moment; but I was resolved +to talk with him seriously on the state of +his affairs, and to make any retrenchments, and +offer any sacrifices, to remove from his mind the +burthen which oppressed it. But for some time, +like most persons so distressed, he was decidedly +averse to talk on the subject, and liked better to +drive care away by pleasant society, than to meet +the evil though it was in order to remove it. In +the meanwhile I went to Oswald Lodge occasionally, +and occasionally invited its owners and their guests +to our home, till the party there grew too large +for our rooms to receive them: and then I had +an excuse for not accompanying my husband often, +in not having carriage horses, as I had prevailed +on Pendarves to drop that unnecessary expense. +This produced urgent invitations to sleep there; +but that I never would do; and I would not +consent to be with these people on so intimate +a footing, especially as I had not my mother's +countenance or presence to sanction it; she having +resolutely declined visiting them at all, as she +disliked the manners and appearance, as well as +the mode of life, of the whole party. But she +confirmed me in my resolution never to seem to +under-value, though I did not commend, Lady +Martindale, as she well knew my disapprobation +would be imputed to envy and jealousy even by +Pendarves, and she advised me to endure patiently +what I could not prevent. Not that she for a +moment suspected that my husband was seriously +alienated from me, and was acting a dishonourable +part towards Lord Martindale; but she could not +be blind to Seymour's long absences at Oswald +Lodge, and his now passing nights there, as well +as days. But his pleasures were, for a little while +at least, put a stop to; for he received at length so +many dunning letters, that he was forced to unburthen +his mind to me, and ask my aid if possible +to relieve his distresses. He positively, +however, forbade me to apply to my mother, and +I was equally unwilling to let her know the errors +of my still beloved husband.</p> + +<p>Yet what could I do for him? I could dismiss +one, if not two servants,—and he could sell another +horse; but then money was wanted to pay debts. +There was therefore no alternative, but for me to +prevail on my trustees to give up some of my +marriage settlement; and as I knew that my +mother's fortune must come to me and my children, +if I had any, I was very willing to relieve +my husband from his embarrassments, by raising +for him the necessary supplies. Nor did I find +my trustees very unwilling to grant my request, +and once more I believed my husband free from +debt. I also hoped my mother knew nothing of +either the distress, or the means of relief. But, +alas! one of the trustees concluded our uncle +knew of these transactions, and was probably +desirous to know why he had, though a very rich +man, allowed me to diminish my marriage settlement, +in order to pay debts which he could have +paid without the smallest inconvenience, as he +had only two daughters, who were both well +married.</p> + +<p>Accordingly he mentioned the subject to my +astonished and indignant uncle, who with his +usual indiscretion revealed it to his wife. The +consequence was inevitable: she immediately wrote +a letter of lamentation to my mother, detailing +the whole affair, adverting to the other transaction +concerning Saunders's debts, pointing out the +great probability there was that what every one +said was true, namely, that my husband had +prevailed on Saunders to marry Charlotte Jermyn, +and therefore was bound in justice to assist him, +and concluding with a broad hint concerning his +evident attachment to a Lady Martindale.</p> + +<p>What a letter for a fond mother to receive! But +to the money transactions alone did she vouchsafe +any credit; and relative to these she demanded +from me the most open confession, saying, "The +rest of the letter I treat with the contempt it +deserves." I had no difficulty in telling her every +thing which related to the last transaction; but +my voice faltered, and my eye was downcast, +when I described the other, because I had never +been entirely able to conquer some painful suspicions +of my own; and her quick eyes and penetrating +mind soon discovered, though she was too +delicate to notice it, that in my own heart I was +not sure that all my aunt suspected was unjust. +But if I shrunk from the searching glance of her +eyes, how was I affected when she fixed them on +me with looks of approving tenderness, and told +me with evidently suppressed feeling, that I had +done well and greatly in concealing my husband's +extravagant follies even from her!</p> + +<p>That day's post brought a letter of a more pleasant +nature from my uncle to me. He informed +me, that though he utterly disapproved my giving +to an erring husband what was intended as a provision +for my innocent children, he could not bear +that I should suffer by my erroneous but generous +conception of a wife's duty, and had therefore +replaced the sum which I had so rashly advanced, +desiring me on any future emergency to apply to +him.</p> + +<p>Kind and excellent old man! How pleasant +were the tears which I shed over this letter! but +still how much more welcome to my soul were +those which it wrung from the heart of Pendarves!</p> + +<p>But amidst the various feelings which made my +cheek pale, my brow thoughtful and sad, my form +meagre, and which deprived me of every thing +but the mere outline of former beauty, was the +consciousness that my mother's heart was estranged +from my husband. He had even exceeded all her +fears and expectations; and her manner to him +was full of that cold civility, which when it +replaces ardent affection is of all things the most +terrible to endure from one whom you love and +venerate. He felt it to his heart's core, and alas! +he resented it by flying oftener from his home +and the wife whom he thus rendered wretched.</p> + +<p>At this period my mother was surprised by a +most unexpected guest, and, situated as I was, an +unwelcome visitor to both; for it was Ferdinand +de Walden.</p> + +<p>Business had brought him to England; and as +time had, he believed, mellowed his attachment +to me into friendship, he had no objection to +visit my mother, and renew his acquaintance with +me. But though she prepared him to see me +much altered, as I had not, she said, recovered +the loss of my child, he was so overcome when he +saw me, that he was forced to leave the room; +and the sight of that faded face and form, nay, I +may say, the utter loss of my beauty, endeared +me yet more to the heart of De Walden.</p> + +<p>Had I been an artful, had I been a coquettish +woman, this was the time to show it; for I might +have easily roused the jealousy of my husband, +and perhaps have terrified him back to his allegiance. +But I should have felt debased if I had +excited one feeling of jealousy in a husband's +heart, and my manner was so cold to De Walden +that he complained of it to my mother.</p> + +<p>Mr. Oswald called on De Walden, as soon as +he heard of his arrival, for he had known him +abroad, and a day was fixed for our meeting him +at Oswald Lodge: nay, my mother, to mark her +great respect for her guest, would have joined the +party had she not sprained her ankle severely the +day before.</p> + +<p>It was now some weeks since I had dined there; +therefore I had not seen the great increase of +intimacy which was visible between Seymour and +Lady Martindale, and which I dreaded should be +observed by Lord Martindale himself: but he did +not seem to mind it, and looked at me with such +an expression of countenance, lavishing on me +at the same time such disgusting flatteries, that +the dark eye of De Walden flashed fire as he +regarded him, and he beheld my absorbed and +inattentive husband with a look in which scorn +contended with agony. But if Seymour was +so completely absorbed in looking at and listening +to the Syren who bewitched him, she was not +equally absorbed in him: but I saw that when he +was not looking at her, she was earnestly examining +De Walden, and that his eye dwelt on her +with a very marked and scornful meaning.</p> + +<p>Lady Martindale was solicited at the dinner +table to promise some new guests who were there, +to exhibit to them the scene with the dog; but +on pretence of having hurt her foot she refused. +This led to a conversation on dancing, of which +art, to my great surprise, De Walden declared +himself a great admirer in the early part of his +life. "When I was very young," said he in French, +"I saw such dancing as I shall never forget. It +was that of a young creature on the Paris stage, +who was then called Annette Beauvais, and she +quite bewitched my young heart, both on and off +the stage; for I once saw her in a private party, +but then I was quite a boy: she was at that time +the mistress of a <i>fermier général</i>: since then she +has figured, as I have heard, in many different +capacities, and I should not be surprised to hear +of her as a peeress, or a princess; so great and +versatile were her powers."</p> + +<p>This discussion, so little <i>à-propos</i>, for what +did any one present care for Annette Beauvais? +convinced me De Walden had a meaning beyond +what appeared; and casting my eyes on Lord +Martindale and his lady, I saw they were both +covered with confusion: but the former recovering +himself first, said, "Annette Beauvais! My dear +Eugénie, is not that the name of the girl who was +reckoned so like you?"</p> + +<p><i>"Mais oui—sans doute</i>—I was much sorry—for +I was take for her very oft'—<i>et cependant +elle est plus grande que moi."</i><a name="fn3r" id="fn3r"></a><a href="#fn3"><sup><span class="small"> 3</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn3" id="fn3"></a><a href="#fn3r">3</a>: Yet she is taller than I.</p> + +<p>"She may look taller on the stage, my lady," +said De Walden, again speaking in French, that +she might not lose a word; "but I would wager +any money, that off the stage, no one would know +Annette from you, or you from her."</p> + +<p>"<i>A la bonne heure</i>," said she in a tone of +pique, and avoiding the searching glance of his +eye; then, on her making a signal to Mrs. Oswald, +she rose, and we left the dining-room.</p> + +<p>With the impression which I had just received +on my mind of Lady Martindale's former profession, +or rather character, I could not help replying +to the attentions which she now lavished on me +with distant politeness; and I saw clearly that she +observed my change of manner, and, resenting +it in her heart, resolved to take ample vengeance; +for, as I stood with my arms folded in a long +mantle which I wore, lost in reverie, it happened +that I did not answer Lady Martindale when she +first spoke, and when I did, it was in a cold and +absent manner, and as <ins title="original has i If">if I</ins> addressed an inferior; +on which the artful woman, who sat in a recess +by the side of my husband, threw herself back, +exclaiming, <i>"Mais voyez donc comme elle me +traite! Ah! comment ai-je mérité cette dureté +de sa part?"</i><a name="fn4r" id="fn4r"></a><a href="#fn4"><sup><span class="small"> 4</span></sup></a> She accompanied these words +with a few touching tears.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn4" id="fn4"></a><a href="#fn4r">4</a>: Only see how she treats me! How have I deserved such +hard treatment from her?</p> + +<p>On seeing and hearing this, for the first time +in his life since we married, Seymour felt irritated +against me; and coming up to me, he said, +in a voice nearly extinct with passion, "Mrs. +Pendarves, I insist on your apologizing to that +lady for the rudeness of which you have been +guilty." For one moment my spirit revolted at +the word "insist," and my feelings were overset +by the "Mrs. Pendarves;" but it was only for a +moment.</p> + +<p>I felt that I had been rude; and I also felt that +I should not have acted as I did, spite of my +suspicions, if I had not been jealous of Seymour's +adoration for her.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, drawing so near to her that no +one could hear what passed, I told her that at the +command of my husband, I assured her I did not +mean to wound or offend her, and that I was sorry +I had done so.</p> + +<p>"Ah! 'tis your husban spoak den, not your +own heart—dat's wat I want."</p> + +<p>"The feelings of my heart," said I, "are not +at the command even of my husband; but my +words are, and I have obeyed him—but I am +really sorry when I have given pain to any one." +Then with a low curtsy I left them, and retired +to a further part of the room.</p> + +<p>During this time I saw that Seymour looked +still angry, and was not satisfied with my apology, +or the manner in which I delivered it; and I +repented I had not been more gracious. But now +I was requested to sing a Venetian air to the +Spanish guitar, to which I had written English +words; and I complied, glad to do something to +escape from my own painful reflections, and also +from the earnest manner in which De Walden +examined my countenance, and watched what had +just passed. But in order no doubt to mortify +my vanity by calling off the attention from me to +herself, the moment I began, Lady Martindale +set her little dog down who was lying in her lap, +and began to make him dance to the tune; but +as she did not get up herself and dance as usual +with him, the poor beast did not know what to +make of it, but set up a most violent barking. +I had had resolution to go on both singing and +playing during the grimaces of the dog and its +mistress, even though my own husband instead of +resenting the affront to me had seemed to enjoy it; +but when the dog spoke I was silent; on which +De Walden seized the little animal in his arms in +spite of Lady Martindale's resistance, and put it +out of the room. Then stooping down he whispered +something in her ear which silenced her at once. +During this scene I trembled in every limb; for +I feared that Seymour might be mad enough to +resent De Walden's conduct. I was therefore +relieved when Lord Martindale came up to him, +as if he meant to resent the violence offered to his +lady's dog; but on approaching De Walden, he +said, with great good humour—"That was right, +Count De Walden; and if you had not done it, +<i>I</i> should. Only think that a beast like that should +presume to interrupt a Seraph!"</p> + +<p>"Ah! if it was but he alone that presumed in this +room, it would be well; but we often make example +of one who is guilty the least."</p> + +<p>Lord Martindale did not choose to ask an explanation +of these words, but, turning to me, +requested me to resume my guitar and my song. +But I had not yet recovered my emotion, nor +perhaps would it have been consistent with my self-respect +to comply.</p> + +<p>Certainly De Walden thought not; for he said +in a low voice <i>"Ma chere amie, de grace ne +chantez pas!"</i><a name="fn5r" id="fn5r"></a><a href="#fn5"><sup><span class="small"> 5</span></sup></a> and I was firm in my refusal.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn5" id="fn5"></a><a href="#fn5r">5</a>: My dear friend, pray do not sing!</p> + +<p>Perhaps it was well that I was not allowed to +go on with my song, as the words were only too +expressive of my own feelings, for they were as +follows:—</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><th align="center">SONG</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">How bright this summer's sun appear'd!</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>How blue to me this summer's sky!</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">While all I saw and all I heard</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Could charm my ear, could bless my eye.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The lonely bower, the splendid crowd,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Alike a joy for me possess'd;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">My heart a charm on all bestow'd,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>For that confiding heart was <i>bless'd</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But thou art changed!—and now no more</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>The sun is bright, or blue the sky;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Now in the throng, or in the bower,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>I only mark thy <i>alter'd eye</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And though midst crowds I still appear,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And seem to list the minstrel's strain,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">I heed it not—I only hear</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>My <i>own deep sigh</i> that mourns in vain.</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>My carriage was announced soon afterwards; +and I saw by the manner of both, that Lady +Martindale was trying to persuade my husband to +stay all night: but as De Walden came with us, +propriety, if not inclination, forbade him to comply, +and he sullenly enough followed De Walden and +me to the carriage. When there, that considerate +friend refused to enter it—declaring as it was +moon-light he preferred walking home.</p> + +<p>What a relief was this to my mind! for I dreaded +some unpleasant altercation, especially if De +Walden expressed the belief which he evidently +entertained, that Lady Martindale and Annette +Beauvais were the same person.</p> + +<p>When he entered the carriage my husband threw +himself into one corner of it, and remained silent. +I expected this: still I did not know how to bear +it; for I could not help contrasting the past with +the present. Is there—no, there is not—so +agonizing a feeling in the catalogue of human +suffering, as the first conviction that the heart of +the being whom we most tenderly love, is estranged +from us? In vain could I pretend to doubt this +overwhelming fact. Seymour had resented for +another woman, and to me! He had even joined +in, and enjoyed, the mean revenge that woman +took, though that revenge was a public affront to +me! And now in sullen silence, and in still rankling +resentment, he was sitting as far from me as he +possibly could sit, and the attachment of years +seemed in one hour destroyed!</p> + +<p>All this I felt and thought during the first mile +of our drive home: but so closely does hope ever +tread on the heels of despair, that one word from +Pendarves banished the worst part of my misery; +for in an angry tone he at length observed, "So, +madam, your champion would not go with us: I +think it is a pity you did not walk with him—I +think you ought to have done no less, after his +public gallantry in your service."</p> + +<p>"Ha!" thought I immediately, "this is pique, +this is jealousy; and perhaps he loves me still!" +What a revulsion of feeling I now experienced! and +never in his fondest moments did I value an expression +of tenderness from him more, than I did +this weak and churlish observation; for he was not +silent and sullen on account of Lady Martindale's +fancied injuries; but from resentment of De Walden's +interference. In one moment therefore the +face of nature itself seemed changed to me; and +I eagerly replied, "I was certainly much obliged +to De Walden—I needed a champion, and who +so proper to be it as himself, the only old friend I +had in the room, yourself excepted, and the only +person in it probably who now (here my voice +faltered) has a real regard and affection for me!"</p> + +<p>"Helen!" cried Pendarves, starting up, "you +cannot mean what you say! You do not, cannot +believe that De Walden loves you better than <i>I</i> do."</p> + +<p>"If I had not believed it I should not have said +it."</p> + +<p>"But how could you believe it? Has he dared +to talk to you of love?"</p> + +<p>"Do you think he could forget himself so far +as to do such a thing? or if he did, do you think +I could forget myself so far as to listen to him? +Surely, sir, you forget of whom and to whom you +are speaking."</p> + +<p>"Forgive me: I spoke from pique. And so, +Helen, you think I do not love you?"</p> + +<p>"Not as you did, certainly: but I excuse you. +I know grief has changed me; and it had been +better for me to have died, if it had so pleased +God, when my poor child died."</p> + +<p>"Helen! dearest! do not talk thus, I cannot +bear it!" he exclaimed, clasping me to his heart; +and though I then wept even more abundantly +than before, I wept on his bosom, and all my sorrows +were for awhile forgotten.</p> + +<p>The next morning Pendarves told me he should +certainly breakfast with me; but he must leave +me soon to partake of a late breakfast at Oswald +Lodge, as he had promised to go with the party to +call on a family, with whom they were to arrange +some private theatricals.</p> + +<p>"And are you to engage in them?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! to be sure: it will not be the first time +of my acting."</p> + +<p>"And will Lady Martindale act?"</p> + +<p>"Yes: but not with us. We shall act in English: +she will favour us with a mono-drame, <ins title="original has a a">a</ins> +ballet of action, and perhaps read a French play, +which she reads to perfection."</p> + +<p>"Not better than she dances, I dare say; for +dancing, I suspect, was once one of her professions."</p> + +<p>"What nonsense is this Helen? and who has +dared to give such an erroneous and false impression +of this admirable woman?"</p> + +<p>"Surely you must have perceived that De Walden +meant to insinuate that she and Annette +Beauvais are the same person?"</p> + +<p>"Then he is a vile calumniator."</p> + +<p>"Not so: he is only a mistaken man."</p> + +<p>"But it seems you think he cannot be mistaken: +he is an oracle!"</p> + +<p>"My love," replied I, "we had better not talk +of De Walden."</p> + +<p>"You are right, Helen, quite right; for I am +conscious of great irritation when I think of him: +for I feel, I cannot but feel, how much more worthy +of you he is than I am; and yet, foolish girl, you +gave him up for me. O Helen! when I saw him, +impatient of affront to you, step forward with that +flashing eye, that commanding air, to seize the +offending brute, though I could have stabbed him, +I could also have embraced him; and I said within +myself, 'And to this man Helen preferred me! +How she must repent her folly now!'"</p> + +<p>"She never has repented, she never can repent +it," said I, throwing myself upon his neck. "You +know I took you with all your faults open to my +view."</p> + +<p>"Yes: but you fancied love and you would +reform them!"</p> + +<p>"I did—and I think we may do so still: but +you must not let me fancy you do not love me, +Seymour; if you do, I shall pine and mope, and +become the object of your aversion."</p> + +<p>"Impossible! do you think I can ever dislike +you, Helen?"</p> + +<p>"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this +thing?" said I, returning his embrace.</p> + +<p>"I will hear no more of such horrible surmises: +I have now outstaid my time."</p> + +<p>Then mounting his horse, he was out of sight +in a moment.</p> + +<p>Soon after my mother appeared, and, to my +surprise, unaccompanied by De Walden.</p> + +<p>"Where is our friend?" was my first salutation.</p> + +<p>"On the road to London."</p> + +<p>"London! And why?"</p> + +<p>"He had his reasons for going; and, as usual, +they do honour both to his head and heart."</p> + +<p>"May I not know them?"</p> + +<p>"I would not tell them to all women under +your circumstances; but I can trust you. He +finds that he has not conquered his attachment; +and that he cannot behold the affecting change in +your appearance, and reflect on the cause, without +feeling what his principles disapprove. Besides, +he is afraid of getting involved in a quarrel with +Pendarves, as, I suppose, you guess who this Lady +Martindale is."</p> + +<p>"I do. Well, I am glad De Walden is gone; +for I know Pendarves will rejoice."</p> + +<p>I then related to her my conversation with +my husband; and I did it with so much cheerfulness, +and such an evident revival of hope, that I +imparted some of the feelings which I experienced; +and my mother's heart was visibly softened towards +Seymour, while she uttered, "Poor fellow! he +does indeed justly judge himself: you did prefer +the brilliant to the diamond. But where is he?"</p> + +<p>"Gone out with the party at the lodge on particular +business; and will not return till night."</p> + +<p>On hearing this my mother's countenance fell; +and kissing my cheek, she shook her head mournfully, +and changed the conversation.</p> + +<p>Pendarves came home that evening in great +spirits. Every thing was arranged for the theatricals, +and the play fixed upon. It was to be the +Belle's Stratagem, and he was to play Doricourt, +a part he had often played before. The part of +Letitia Hardy, was given to a young lady who was +an actress on private theatres; and every part was +filled but that of Lady Frances Touchwood.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Helen!" cried he, "how happy should I +be if you would give over all your dismals, lay +aside your scruples, and make me your slave for +life, by undertaking this mild and modest part!"</p> + +<p>"You bribe high," I replied (turning pale at +the apprehension of any thing so contrary to my +habits and my sense of right): "but you know +my aversion to things of the sort."</p> + +<p>"I do: but I also know your high sense of a +wife's duty; and that you cannot but own a wife +ought to obey her husband's will, when not contrary +to the will of God."</p> + +<p>"You seem to have high though just ideas of a +wife's duty," said I, smiling; "now, perhaps, you +will favour me with your opinion of a husband's +duty."</p> + +<p>"Willingly. It is to wean a beloved wife, if +possible, from gloomy thoughts; to keep amusing +company himself, and to make her join it: in short, +when he has engaged in private theatricals, it is his +<i>duty</i> to get his wife to engage in them also: and +if you think such things dangerous to good morals, +you are the more bound to engage in them, in +order to watch over <i>mine</i>."</p> + +<p>I suspected he was right, and that the general +duty should, in this instance, give way to the particular +one; but I shrunk with aversion from the +long and intimate association with these disagreeable +if not disreputable people, to which it would +oblige me; and after expressing this dislike I +begged time to consider of his request.</p> + +<p>The next day I went to consult my mother, who +at first would not hear the plan named, and declared +that her child should not so far degrade +herself as to allow her person to be profaned by +such familiarities as acting must induce and she +must suffer. But when I told her Mr. Oswald was +to act Sir George Touchwood, a quiet, elderly married +man, she was more reconciled to it on that +score, but she disliked it as much as I did on other +grounds. However, having convinced myself, I at +length convinced her, that it was my duty to make +myself as dear and as agreeable to my husband as +I could, and not leave him thus exposed to the every +day increasing fascinations of another woman.</p> + +<p>"But can you, my dear child," said she, "have +fortitude enough to bear for days together the sight +of his attentions to your rival? Will it not make +you pettish, grave, and unamiable, and cloud your +eyes in tears, which will incense and not affect, +because they will seem a reproach?"</p> + +<p>"It will be a difficult task, and a severe trial, I +own; but I humbly hope to be supported under +it: and though the risk is great, the ultimate success +is worth the venture."</p> + +<p>"Helen," said my mother, "till now I thought +my trials as a wife great, and my duties severe; +but I am convinced that they were easy to bear +and easy to perform, compared to what a fond +wife feels, who is forced to mask misery with +smiles; to substitute undeserved kindness for just +reproach; and to submit even her own superior +judgement, and her own sense of right and wrong, +to the will of her husband."</p> + +<p>"But, dear mother! I shall be repaid and rewarded +at last!"</p> + +<p>"Repaid, rewarded, Helen! how? Who or +what is to repay you? As well can <i>assignats</i> repay +bullion, as the love of a being who has grossly +erred can reward that of one to whom error is +unknown."</p> + +<p>"But he has not grossly erred; and if he had, +I love him," cried I, deeply wounded and appalled +at the truth of what she said.</p> + +<p>"Ah! there it is," she replied; "and thus +does love level all in their turns; the weak with the +strong, the sensible with the foolish. One thing +more, Helen, before you go—You shall have your +mother's countenance and presence to support you +under your new trials: I will condescend to invite +myself to attend rehearsals, and I will be at the +representation."</p> + +<p>I received this offer with gratitude, and then +returned to tell my husband that I would perform +the part of Lady Frances Touchwood.</p> + +<p>He was delighted with my compliance; and on +making me read the part aloud directly he declared +that I should perform to admiration.</p> + +<p>"I should have played Letitia Hardy better," +said I.</p> + +<p>"You! how conceited!"</p> + +<p>"I got that part by heart once, and I have +often acted it quite through for my own amusement +when I was quite alone. But I prefer playing +Lady Frances now, for the days of my vanity are +pretty well over."</p> + +<p>"No, no, child, they are only now beginning, +according to this; and little did I think I had +married a great actress."</p> + +<p>Pendarves then departed in high spirits to his +friends, and I sat down to study my part. But +bitter were the tears I shed over it. And was I, +so lately the mourner over a dying and a dead +child, was I about to engage in dissipations like +these?—But humbly hoping my motive sanctified +my deed, I shook off overwhelming recollections, +and resolved to persevere in my new task.</p> + +<p>For some days, and till all was ready for rehearsals, +Pendarves rehearsed his part to me, and +I to him; but at length he found it pleasanter to +have Lady Martindale hear him, he said, for her +broken English was so amusing.</p> + +<p>I could not oppose to this excellent reason my +being a better judge of his performance, but I +was forced to submit in silence. Now, however, +I was soon called to rehearsals, and my mother +was allowed to accompany me.</p> + +<p>My first performance was wretched, and I +thought Seymour looked ashamed of me; but my +mother said she should have been mortified if I +had done better the first time. The next I gained +credit; but on the third day I found the party in +great distress. The Letitia Hardy had been sent +for to a dying father, and there was no one to +undertake her part. You may easily guess that +Seymour immediately told tales of me, and I +undertook that prominent character: but I did +not shrink from it, for my husband was to act +with me; and Letitia Hardy was not more eager +to charm Doricourt, than I to charm my husband.</p> + +<p>You know there is a minuet to be danced, and +a song to be sung; and as Le Piq and Madame +Rossi were the first dancers when I was young, I +had taken lessons of both in London, and was +said to dance a minuet well. Pendarves was +equally celebrated in that dance; and as we rehearsed +our minuet often at home, each declared +the other perfect; nor was the little song less +warmly applauded, which I substituted for the +original, and adapted to a Scotch air. It applied +to my own situation and feelings as well as to those +of the heroine, and was as follows:</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><th>SONG.</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>If now before this splendid throng</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>With timid voice, but daring aim,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>I strive to wake my pensive song</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>And urge the minstrel's tuneful claim;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">One wish alone the anxious task can move,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The wish to charm the ear of <span class="smallcaps">him I love</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>If in the dance with eager feet</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>I seek a grace before unknown,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And dare the critic eye to meet,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>Nor heed though scornful numbers frown;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">This wish to fear superior bids me prove,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The wish to charm the eye of <span class="smallcaps">him I love</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And if, my woman's fears resign'd,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>I thus my loved retirement leave,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>My humble vest with roses bind,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>And jewels in my tresses weave;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">One wish alone could such vast efforts move,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The wish to <i>fix the heart</i> of <span class="smallcaps">him I love</span>.</td></tr> +</table></div> + +<p>The rehearsals meanwhile were pleasanter than +I expected. My husband was forced to be a great +deal with me, as he had to rehearse so much with +me; and Lady Martindale chose to practise her +ballet in her own apartment, in sight of a long +glass. Therefore I had not to bear, as I expected, +my husband's complete neglect; and I could smile +at the meanness which led her to come in while +I was rehearsing, and lament, as she looked on, +loud enough for Seymour and me to hear, that the +<i>charmante</i> Henrietta Goodwin was summoned +away, and could not perform the heroine, because +she did it <i>à ravir</i>. I saw Pendarves change colour +often when she said this, and she said it daily; +but as he thought I much excelled Miss Goodwin, +he attributed it to female envy, and perhaps to +jealousy of me as his wife.</p> + +<p>At length the first day of our theatricals took +place, and a company far more select and less +numerous than I expected was assembled. My +mother had insisted on defraying my expenses, +and both my dresses were elegant. You must +forgive my vanity when I say, that with rouge +replacing my natural bloom, and clad in a most +becoming manner, I looked as young and as well +as when I married; while to my grateful joy my +husband seemed to admire me more than any one. +Indeed he pronounced my whole performance +beyond praise, and I know not what any one else +said. I made one alteration, however, in the text +on the night of representation, which called down +thunders of applause. The Author makes Letitia +Hardy say, that if her husband was unfaithful +she would elope with the first pretty fellow that +asked her, while her feelings preyed on her life. +I could not make my lips utter such words as +these; I therefore said, "I would not elope like +some women, &c. but would patiently endure my +sufferings, though my feelings preyed on my +life."</p> + +<p>Seymour was so surprised, so confounded, and +so affected, that he seized my hand and pressed +it to his heart and his lips before he could reply: +and my mother told me afterwards that she could +scarcely controul her emotions at a change so +worthy of me, and so well-timed. The next representation +was deferred for a week; and, whatever +was the reason, Lady Martindale deferred any +exhibition of herself to that future opportunity.</p> + +<p>But the comfort and the joy of all to me was, +that during this intermediate week I recovered +my husband; and with him some of my good +looks; while that odious lord would very fain have +bestowed on me equal attention to what Seymour +had bestowed on his wife, and of a less equivocal +nature.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles Belmour at this period paid us an +unexpected visit, having entirely recovered from +his late indisposition. I certainly was not glad +to see him, though I believed he regarded me with +more kindness than formerly, and he was evidently +solicitous, by the most respectful attentions, to +conciliate the regard of my beloved mother.</p> + +<p>Out of compliment to Lord Charles, Seymour +dined at home two days; but on the third, he +insisted on taking his friend to call at Oswald +Lodge, whose hospitable master had called on him, +as soon as he heard of his arrival, and was anxious +to have the honour of his acquaintance. Lord +Charles thought the honour would be all on Mr. +Oswald's side, and probably the pleasure also; +but he was at length prevailed on to return the +call, and to my great joy he returned wondering +at Seymour's infatuation in living so much with +such a vulgar set; declaring, that even the Lady +Martindale had more the air of a French <i>petite +maîtresse</i> than of any thing akin to quality. He +said this in my mother's presence and mine, and he +could not have made, I own, better court to +either.</p> + +<p>"My daughter and I always thought so; and I +am glad to have our judgement confirmed by your +lordship," answered my mother. "But my son +thinks differently."</p> + +<p>"I do indeed," said Pendarves blushing; "and +when Lord Charles sees her to advantage,—which +he did not to-day,—he will not, I am sure, wonder +at my admiration."</p> + +<p>"Well, we shall see," said he; "but I trust +I shall not change my mind, if the future exhibitions +of her exquisite ladyship be like that of +to-day. You were not there, ladies; therefore, +for your amusement, allow me to open my show-box +and give you portraits of the inhabitants of +Oswald Lodge."</p> + +<p>He then stood up, and Mr. and Mrs. Oswald +lived before us: air, voice, attitude—all perfectly +given. Then came Lord Martindale; and at these +pictures Pendarves laughed heartily: but when +Lord Charles exhibited the dog and lady by turns +dancing, and sometimes barking for the one, and +throwing himself into attitudes and smiling for +the other, my husband looked much disconcerted, +and said it was a gross caricature. But we did not +think it so; and though neither my mother nor +myself approved such exhibitions, and on principle +discouraged them, still on this occasion I must +own they were very gratifying to me. But the +feeling was an unworthy one, and it was soon +punished; for Seymour said with a look of reproach, +"You have mortified me, Helen: I had +given you credit for more generosity: I did not +think you would thus enjoy a laugh at any one's +expense; especially that of one whose graces and +talents you have yourself acknowledged."</p> + +<p>I felt humbled and ashamed at the just reproof, +though I thought he should not thus have reproved +me, and I was silent; but my mother haughtily +replied, "I am glad to hear you own you are +mortified to find your wife has some leaven of +human frailty; as I am now for the first time +convinced that you appreciate her justly."</p> + +<p>"I have many faults," he replied; "but that +of not valuing Helen as she deserves was never +one of them; and oh! how deeply do I feel and +bitterly lament that I am not more worthy of her +and you!"</p> + +<p>My mother instantly held out her hand to him; +while Lord Charles exclaimed, "What a graceful +and candid avowal! No wonder the offender is so +soon forgiven! But believe me, dear madam, there +is no hope of amendment from persons who are +so ready to own their faults; for they consider +that candour makes amends for all their errors, +and throws such a charm over them, that they +have no motive to improve, especially if they are +young and handsome like my friend here; for +really he looked so pretty, and modest and pathetic, +that I wondered you only gave him your hand to +kiss."</p> + +<p>"Be quiet, Lord Charles; you are not a kind +commentator."</p> + +<p>"But I am a just one. Oh! believe me, there +is more hope of an ugly dog like me, who can't +look affecting, than of such a man as Seymour. +I cannot make error look engaging if I would, +and therefore must reform in good earnest when +I wish to please."</p> + +<p>That night Seymour, who sat up with Lord +Charles, did not come to bed till some hours after +me. I was awake when he entered the room, +and could not help asking him what had kept +them up so late, anticipating his answer only too +well. "We sat up playing piquet," said he in a +cheerful voice; "and I am a great winner, Helen. +If Lord Charles stays some days, and plays as he +did to-night, I am a made man: only think of +my winning a hundred pounds since you left us!"</p> + +<p>"But if Lord Charles should not always play +as he did to-night, and you should lose a hundred +pounds, what is to become of you then?"</p> + +<p>"Psha, Helen! you are always so wise and +cautious: there, there, go to sleep, and do +not alarm yourself concerning what may never +happen."</p> + +<p>But I could not go to sleep, though I said no +more; and I saw that our guest would probably +upset those resolutions to which Pendarves had +for some time adhered. True, he had not been +tempted to break them; but had his desire for +play been strong, he could have sought means to +indulge it. He had not done so, and therefore I +thought him cured; though, as most persons have +recourse to gaming merely to produce excitement, +and the stimulus of alternate hope and fear, I +could not but see that Oswald Lodge and Lady +Martindale amply supplied to my husband the +place of play; and so that he was interested and +amused, it mattered not whence that feeling was +derived. And this was he who had declared himself +the votary of domestic habits, home amusements +and literary pursuits! But now he was most +unexpectedly and unnecessarily assailed; for he +had not gone to temptation, but it was come to +him,—and my resolution was taken.</p> + +<p>The next morning, while we were at breakfast, +a chaise stopped at our door. It was sent from +Oswald Lodge, to convey my husband thither +immediately; as a note from Lady Martindale +informed him, that she could not make arrangements +for the next evening's exhibition without +his advice and assistance: for nobody, she added, +had any taste but himself.</p> + +<p>This note Lord Charles playfully snatched from +him, and would read aloud, much to Seymour's +annoyance; as, though the language was elegant, +there was not a word spelt right, and every rule +of grammar was violated.</p> + +<p>"The education of this well born lady was +much neglected, I see," said Lord Charles: "would +she could spell as well as she can flatter!"</p> + +<p>He then read the concluding compliment aloud.</p> + +<p><i>"C'est un peu fort,"</i> he observed, returning +the note; which Seymour angrily observed he +ought not to have allowed him to read.</p> + +<p>"Well; but you obey the summons, I suppose?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly."</p> + +<p>"And when may we hope to see you again?"</p> + +<p>"As soon as I can get away."</p> + +<p>"That may not be till bed-time."</p> + +<p>"Impossible! have I not promised to give you +your revenge this evening?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; but when a lady's in the case—"</p> + +<p>"Nonsense! I shall return to dinner."</p> + +<p>"And not before? How mortifying it is to me +to see that you are not afraid of leaving me so +many hours at liberty to pay court to your wife,—with +whom, you know, I am desperately in love!"</p> + +<p>"If my wife were not what she is, I should +be so; and my confidence, I assure you, is not in +you, but in her."</p> + +<p>"Besides, we shall not be alone, my lord, for +I am going to challenge you," said I, "to call on +my mother."</p> + +<p>"Agreed! And now I am flattered. Your +lady, you see, thinks me a more formidable person +than you do. Suppose, my dear lady, that we +go off together, only to punish him for his weak +confidence?"</p> + +<p>"We will consider of it," said I, laughing; +"and in the meanwhile we will visit my mother."</p> + +<p>My husband then drove off and I prepared for +my walk.—When I returned, I found Lord Charles +walking up and down the room, and with a thoughtful +disturbed countenance.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Pendarves," cried he, "I have no +patience with that infatuated husband of yours! +Here am I come on purpose to see him and for a +short time only, and yet, at the call of this equivocal +French peeress, he leaves me, and has the +indecorum, too, to go away and leave me with his +beautiful wife! Tell me, do you not believe in love-powders +and philters? for surely some must have +been administered to him."</p> + +<p>"Not necessarily: my ill-health, the consequence +of sorrow, and that sorrow itself made poor Seymour's +home uncomfortable to him; he did not +like to see me suffer, therefore he acquired a +habit of seeking amusement elsewhere; and the +flatteries and invitations of these gay and agreeable +people have at last obtained a complete ascendency +over him."</p> + +<p>"That I see; and such people too! And to +think of what the foolish man leaves! Mrs. Pendarves, +I think that if I had had such a wife as +his, I could not have left my home as he does."</p> + +<p>"Lord Charles," replied I, "this is language +which I will not listen to; but I laugh at your +self-deception. The habits of all men of the +world are similar, and alike powerful, and your +wife would be left as I am: but I assure you that +I am convinced my husband loves me tenderly +notwithstanding; and I am trying, by conforming +to his habits, to make myself as agreeable to him +as others are."</p> + +<p>Lord Charles seemed about to break into violent +exclamations of some kind or other; but I stopped +him, and begged to lead the way to my mother's. +He bowed respectfully, and followed me: then +taking his arm, I tried to begin the conversation +I meditated; and luckily he made my task easy +by saying, "I conclude Pendarves told you how +completely he beat me at cards last night? But +he has promised to give me my revenge to-night. +The truth is, I have not played picquet these two +years; but before I leave you, I expect to recover +my knowledge, and to turn my visit to account: +for I have been very unsuccessful at Brookes's +lately."</p> + +<p>I now stopped, and said, "Hear me, Lord +Charles! I believe that you can be a kind and +honourable man, and that you are really disposed +to be a friend to me."</p> + +<p>"To be sure—to be sure I am."</p> + +<p>"I feel, I own, your power to be my foe in +many essential points, but I am equally sure that +you can be my friend if you choose; and I request +you, if you value my peace of mind, not to tempt +my husband to renew that habit and fondness for +play, which he had lost, which he cannot afford +to indulge, and which, I assure you, has impoverished +and distressed us."</p> + +<p>"You amaze me! Impoverished!"</p> + +<p>"Yes; we have been forced to part with our +horses and dismiss servants. Surely, therefore, +it would not be the part of a friend to lure Pendarves +to the risk of losing a hundred pounds +a-night. My lord, I throw myself on your generosity, +and say no more."</p> + +<p>"You have said enough; and the admirable +wife's prudence shall make amends for the rashness +of her husband. Besides, I am so flattered +by your confidence in me! At last to find you +considering me as a friend, and asking assistance +from me as a friend! I protest I am more flattered +by your friendship than I should be by the love +of twenty other women.—Take my revenge! No, +indeed. He shall keep his hundred pounds: 'I +will none of it.'"</p> + +<p>"Hold; not so: play with him this evening; +but whether you win or lose, declare you will play +no more. I would rather you should win back +the money, and even more; for it may be dangerous +to Seymour to feel himself enriched by play, +and he may go on, though not with you: but +after this evening, forbear."</p> + +<p>"Excellent! excellent! O that ever I should +come hither! I shall be a lost man: for I shall +fancy it so charming a thing to have a wife to take +care of me, that I shall marry, and find too late +there is only one Helen Pendarves!—But tell me, +do you wish me to go away to-day, to-morrow, or +when—in order to put you out of your pain?"</p> + +<p>"By no means: I rely implicitly on your promise; +and I owe it to you to assure you, Lord +Charles, that your company is most welcome to +me, and that I shall not forget your kindness."</p> + +<p>I now offered him my hand, which he was going +to kiss; but suddenly dropping it, he said, "No—no; +take it away.—You must not be too good +to me: I am not a man to be trusted with much +flattery and kindness: for, ugly as I am, the +women have so spoiled me, that I may fancy even +you are kind to me <i>'pour l'amour des mes beaux +yeux'</i>," <a name="fn6r" id="fn6r"></a><a href="#fn6"><sup><span class="small">6</span></sup></a> opening his gooseberry eyes as wide as +he could, and in a manner so irresistibly comic, +that I gave way to that laughter which he delighted +to excite. I therefore entered my mother's parlour +looking more animated than usual, and she +looked most graciously on my companion as the +cause: but she seemed displeased when she found +Pendarves was gone to Oswald Lodge, and had +left me to entertain his noble guest.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn6" id="fn6"></a><a href="#fn6r">6</a>: For the love of my fine eyes.</p> + +<p>I now took my departure, having some poor +cottagers to visit. When I came back, I saw by +the thoughtful brow and flushed cheek of both, +that their conversation had been of a very interesting +nature; and I also saw that there was an +air of confiding intimacy between them, which I +never expected to see between two persons so little +accordant in habits and sentiments.</p> + +<p>But every human being has a capacity for good +as well as evil, and the great difference in us all +results chiefly, I believe, from the favourable or +unfavourable circumstances in which we are placed. +Lord Charles had been so circumstanced, that his +capacity for evil alone had been cultivated; and +till he knew my mother and myself, he had never +met in women any other description of companions +than those whom he courted, conquered, +and despised,—and those whose rigid morals and +disagreeable manners threw him haughtily at a +distance, and made him hate virtue for their sakes. +But now, trusted, noticed, liked by women of a +different kind, his good feelings were awakened; +and while with us, he really was the amiable being +which he might, differently situated, have always +been.</p> + +<p>"I love to be with you," said he to us: "your +influence is so beneficial over me, and you wrap +me in such a pleasing illusion! for while I am +with you I fancy myself as good as you are: but +when I go away, I shall be just as bad again.—Well; +have you nothing to say in reply? How +disappointed I am! for I thought you would in +mercy have exclaimed, 'Then stay here for ever!' +Would I could!"</p> + +<p>And indeed, when he did go, I missed him.—But +to return to the place whence I digressed. +Pendarves came home time enough to take a ride +with Lord Charles, but he took care to let him +see that he expected more attention from him. +That evening he challenged my husband to picquet; +and having won back nearly the whole of what +he had lost, positively declined playing any more: +and, much to Seymour's vexation, he would not +play again while he staid. The second night's +performances at Oswald Lodge now took place; +but though Lord Charles staid to be present at +them, he could not help expressing his astonishment +to me, when alone, that a modest, respectable +gentlewoman like myself should ever have +joined in them, and that my husband should have +permitted it.</p> + +<p>"It is very well for these fiddling, frolicking, +fun-hunting Oswalds," said he, "to fill their +house with persons and things of this sort, and +rant and roar, and kick and jump, and make fools +and tumblers of themselves and such of their +guests as like it: but never did I expect to see the +dignified and retiring Helen Pendarves exhibiting +her person on a stage, and levelling herself to a +Lady Martindale. As your friend, your adoring +friend, I tell you, that such an exhibition degrades +you."</p> + +<p>"It would do so were it my choice, but it is +my necessity; and the fulfilment of a painful duty +exalts rather than degrades."</p> + +<p>"Duty!"</p> + +<p>"Yes; my husband required me to act, and I +obeyed."</p> + +<p>"I understand you. Oh! what a rash, ill-judging +being he is! But I beg your pardon, and +will say no more. Yet I must add, you are justified; +but alas! what can justify him?"</p> + +<p>This conversation did not give me any additional +courage to undertake and execute my task; especially +as I had no reputation as an actress to +lose, and other circumstances increased my timidity.—Lady +Martindale had purposely reserved +all her powers for this evening, and, as she herself +said, she was very glad to have her performance +witnessed by such a judge as Lord Charles Belmour—a +man whose opinion, she knew, was looked +up to in all circles as decisive, with regard to beauty, +grace, and talents. No wonder, therefore, that +to throw her spells round him was become the +object of her ambition. Hitherto he had avoided +her, and she seemed conscious that he did not +admire her. Her only hope was, I believe, therefore, +to charm him at once by a <i>coup de théâtre</i>; +and while she convinced Pendarves that for him +alone she should exert her various powers, her +fascinating graces were in reality aimed at Lord +Charles: so I thought and suspected,—and though +jealousy blinds, it also very often enlightens.</p> + +<p>She was to begin the entertainments by acting +a French proverb with a French gentleman, an +<i>emigré</i>, who was staying at the house; and having +no doubt of her transcendent powers, I felt very +reluctant to enter into competition with her. Yet, +was not the prize for which I strove my husband's +admiration? But then was I not degrading myself +from the dignity of a wife and a private gentlewoman, +by putting myself into a competition +like this? The question was difficult to answer, and +while I was thus ruminating, the curtain drew up.</p> + +<p>I shall not describe her performance: suffice, +that the exhibition was perfect. The dialogue +was epigrammatic, and the scenes too short to let +the attention flag. Every word, every gesture, +every look told; and the curtain dropped amidst +the loudest applauses.</p> + +<p>I could only see from the side-scene; but I saw +enough to make me feel my own inferiority, and +I went on for Letitia Hardy in a tremor of spirits +of which I was quite ashamed; nor could the +kindest of the audience applaud me, except from +pity and the wish to encourage me; while I saw +that Lord Charles could not even do that, and sat +silent, and, I thought, uneasy. However, I recovered +myself in the masquerade scene, though +my voice when I sung still trembled with emotion; +and now I was overwhelmed with plaudits, and +even Lord Charles seemed pleased; for, as I was +masked, I could examine the audience.</p> + +<p>Still the play went off languidly after the lively +petite piece, and I saw I had mortified my husband's +vanity, which my first performance had +gratified.</p> + +<p>Much impatience was expressed for the next +entertainment, which was Rouseau's Pygmalion. +Pygmalion by the French Marquis; the Statue, +by Lady Martindale. This was received with +delight; and I saw that the beautiful statue, whose +exquisite proportions were any thing but concealed +by the dress she wore, absorbed completely the +attention of Pendarves; and when she left the +stage apparently exhausted, how different were +the look and manner with which he led her to her +dressing-room, to those with which he had so +handed me!</p> + +<p>"Why, why," said I to myself, "did I attempt +a comparison, in which I was sure to fail?" +But if I had erred, I had meant well, and my +mother had approved my conduct, and that must +console me under my want of success; for, instead +of winning Seymour back, I now saw that, feeling +my rival's superiority over me, he would be more +her slave than ever.</p> + +<p>The whole concluded with a ballet of action, a +monodrame, by Lady Martindale, to which I was +too uncomfortable to attend; but what I saw I +thought admirable. She pretended to be overcome +with fatigue when it was ended, and fell into my +husband's arms, who in his alarm called me to +her assistance. I went; but her lip retained its +glowing hue, and I saw in her illness nothing but +a new attitude, and that the statue was now recumbent. +Having been long enough contemplated +in this posture, she opened her eyes, fixed +them with a dying look on Pendarves, and then +desired him to lead her to her apartment: whence +she returned attired in a splendid mantle, which +seemed in modesty thrown over her statue dress, +but which coquettishly displayed occasionally the +form it seemed intended to hide.</p> + +<p>I never saw Lord Charles so disconcerted as he +was during the whole of the time. He could not +bear to praise the heroine of the evening, yet he +felt that praise was her due. Nor could he bear +either to find fault with or to praise <i>me</i>. In this +dilemma, he seemed to think it was best to be +silent; and drawing himself up, he entrenched himself +in the consciousness that he was Lord Charles +Belmour. But while Lady Martindale leaned on +Seymour on one side and I on the other, as we +were awaiting the summons to supper, surrounded +by our flatterers, one glance at my dejected +countenance brought back his kinder feelings; and +turning to my mother, who held his arm, he said, +"Shall I tell your fair daughter how enchanted I +was with the masquerade scene?"</p> + +<p>"I assure you," said Seymour, "Helen did +not do herself justice to-night: she did not act as +well as she can act."</p> + +<p>"I should have been very sorry, so much do I +esteem her, to have seen her act better," was his +cold reply. "Would you have your wife, Pendarves, +perform as well as a professional person, +and as if she had been brought up on the stage?"</p> + +<p>"I would wish my wife to do well whatever she +undertakes," replied Seymour.</p> + +<p>"And so she does, and so she <i>did</i>; but if you +do not love her the better (as I am sure you do) +for the graceful timidity which she displayed, I +could not esteem you."</p> + +<p>Lady Martindale, who watched his very look, +now bit her lip, and Seymour did not look pleased. +My mother owned afterwards, that what with +pinching Lord Charles's arm, to see how Lord and +Lady Martindale both were confused by the first +part of his speech, and squeezing it affectionately +from delight at the last, she is very sure Lord +Charles carried her marks with him to London. +<i>I</i> too could scarcely keep the grateful tears from +flowing down my cheeks, which his well timed +kindness brought into my eyes: but I saw that +my expression was not lost upon him.</p> + +<p>Seymour led Lady Martindale to the head of +the supper table, and Lord Charles on account of +his rank was forced to sit next her.</p> + +<p>"Painful pre-eminence!" he whispered to my +mother, who, as I was one of the queens of the +night, insisted on my taking her place on the other +side. Lord Martindale seated himself next me; +and Seymour took the seat vacant by Lady Martindale. +As Lord Charles scarcely noticed her, +except as far as civility commanded, Lady Martindale +soon turned her back on him, and Seymour +and she seemed to forget any one else was present.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles endeavoured by the most unremitting +attentions to conceal from me what must, he +knew, distress me. But he could not do it: I +heard every whisper of their softened voices, and +I dare say my uneasy countenance was a complete +and whimsical contrast to that of Lord Martindale, +who seemed perfectly easy under circumstances +which would have distressed most men, and talked +and laughed with every one in his turn.</p> + +<p>The Lord and Lady of the feast, who were never +tired of exhibitions, now began their usual demands +on the talents of their guests, and were importunate +in soliciting several of them to sing, a custom +which I usually think "more honoured in the +breach than the observance;" but on this occasion +it was welcome to me, especially as I knew +that it must for a time interrupt Seymour's attention +to Lady Martindale. But as the hypochondriac, +when he reads a book on diseases, always +finds his own symptoms in every case before him, +so I in the then existing state of my feelings always +brought home every thing I heard or read to my +own heart; and two of the songs which were sung +that night accorded so well with my own state of +mind, that I felt the tears come into my eyes as +I listened; and during the following one Pendarves +sighed so audibly, that I imagined he felt great +sympathy with the sentiments; and that idea +increased my suffering:—</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><th>SONG.</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">O that I could recall the day</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>When all my hours to thee were given,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And, as I gazed my soul away,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Thou wert my treasure, world, and heaven!</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Then time on noiseless pinions flew,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And life like one bright morning beam'd:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Then love around us roses threw,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Which ever fresh and fragrant seem'd.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And are these moments gone for ever?</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And can they ne'er return? <span class="smallcaps">No never.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">For oh! that cruel traitor Time,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Although he might unheeded move,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Bore off our <span class="smallcaps">youth's</span> luxuriant prime,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And <i>also</i> stole the <i>bloom of</i> <span class="smallcaps">love</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Yet still the thought of raptures past</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Shall gild life's dull remaining store,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">As sinking suns a <i>splendour</i> cast</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>On scenes their <i>presence lights</i> no more.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But are those raptures gone for ever?</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And will they ne'er return? <span class="smallcaps">No never.</span></td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p>The other song was only in unison with my +feelings in the last lines of the last verse. Still, +while my morbid fancy made me consider them as +the expression of my own sentiments, I listened +with such a tell-tale countenance, that my delicacy +was wounded; for I saw that my emotion was +visible to those who sat opposite to me.</p> + +<p>The song was as follows:—</p> + +<h3>FAIREST, SWEETEST, DEAREST,</h3> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> + <tr><th>A SONG.</th></tr> + <tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Say, by what name can I impart</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> My sense, dear girl, of what thou art?</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Nay, though to frown thou darest,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> I'll say thou art of <i>girls the pride</i>:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> And though that modest lip may chide,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Mary! I'll call thee '<span class="smallcaps">fairest</span>.'</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Yet no—that word can but express</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> The soft and winning loveliness</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>In which the sight thou meetest.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> But not thy heart, thy temper too,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> So good, so sweet—Ha! that will do!</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Mary! I'll call thee '<span class="smallcaps">sweetest</span>.'</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"But 'fairest, sweetest,' vain would be</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> To speak the love I feel for thee:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Why smilest thou as thou hearest?"</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> "Because," she cried, "one little name</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> Is all I wish from thee to claim—</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>That <i>precious</i> name is '<span class="smallcaps">dearest</span>.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>You will not, I conclude, imagine that I remember +these songs only from having heard them that +night, especially as they have very little merit; +but the truth is, I was so pleased with them, +because I fancied them applicable to my own +feelings, that I requested them of the gentlemen +who sung, and they were given to me.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles meanwhile listened to the singing +with great impatience, as he had had enough of the +company, which was very numerous, and by no +means as select as it had been before. Indeed at +one table were many persons in whom the observant +eye of Lord Charles discovered associates whose +evident vulgarity made him feel himself out of +his place. However, he could not presume to +break up the party; and as our indefatigable host +and hostess still kept forcing the talents of their +guests into their service, song succeeded to song, +and duet to duet. From one of the latter, however, +sung by a lady and gentleman, I at length derived +a soothing feeling; and in one moment, an observation +of Seymour's, with, as I fancied, a correspondent +and intended expression of countenance, +removed a load from my heart, and my clouded +brow became consciously to myself unclouded +again.</p> + +<p>The words of this healing duet were as follows:—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><th>DUET.</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Say, why art thou pensive, beloved of my heart?</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Indeed I am happy wherever thou art:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">My eyes I confess toward others may rove,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But never, believe me, with wishes of love.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And trust me, however my <i>glances</i> may roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Of them, and <i>my heart</i>, <span class="smallcaps">thou alone art the home</span>!"</td></tr> +</table> +<p> </p> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> + <tr><th>ANSWER.</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Perhaps I am wrong thus dejected to be;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But my faithful eyes never wander from <i>thee</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">On beauty and youth <i>I unconsciously</i> gaze,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">No thought, no emotion in me they can raise;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And ah! if thine eyes get the habit to roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">How can I <i>be certain</i> they'll <span class="smallcaps">ever come home</span>?"</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Oh! trust thy own charms! See the bee as he flies,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And visits each blossom of exquisite dies;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">There culls of their sweetness some store for his cell;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But short are his visits, and prompt his farewell;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">For still he remembers, howe'er he may roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">That <i>hoard of delight</i> which <span class="smallcaps">awaits him at home</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Then trust me, however thy Henry may roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">I feel my best pleasures <span class="smallcaps">await me at home</span>."</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"I'll try to believe, howsoever thou roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Thy heart's dearest pleasures await thee at home."</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"That is a charming duet," cried Seymour +when it was ended. Then leaning behind Lady +Martindale and Lord Charles, and calling to me, +he said, with a look from which my conscious eye +shrunk, "Helen, I admire the sentiment of that +duet. I think, my love, we will get it—we should +sing it <i>con amore</i>, should we not?" I could not +look at him as I replied, "<i>I</i> could, I am sure."</p> + +<p>"Silly girl," he added in a low and kind tone, +"and so, I am sure, could I."</p> + +<p>I then ventured to raise my eyes to his; and his +expression was such, that I felt quite a different +creature, and was able to enjoy the rest of the +evening.</p> + +<p>But why do I enter into these minute and unimportant +details? Let me efface them—but no, +perhaps they may chance to meet the eyes of some +whose hearts have felt the anxieties and the vicissitudes +of mine, and to them they may be interesting.</p> + +<p>Lord Martindale was now requested to favour +the company with a song, and with great good +nature he instantly complied;—while Lord Charles +whispered across me to my mother, "What a disgrace +that fellow is to the peerage!"</p> + +<p>"By his vices I grant you," replied my mother, +"but not by his obliging compliance."</p> + +<p>Lord Charles shrugged up his shoulders and +was about to reply, when Silence was vociferated +rather angrily by the lady of the house, who had +not been blind to the airs which, as she said, +Lord Charles had given himself the whole evening. +Lord Martindale, as may be supposed, was greatly +applauded, on the same principle as that mentioned +by the poet with regard to noble authors:</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">"For if a lord once own the happy lines,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> How the wit brightens! how the taste refines!"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">and the noisy expressions of admiration which rewarded +a very mediocre performance did not +increase the good humour of our noble guest, +against whom I saw an attack preparing at the +bottom of the table. At length a very pretty girl, +and who had sung with considerable skill, tried +to engage the attention of Lord Charles; and +finding "Sir" was not sufficient, she added "Mr. +Belmour, Sir!" But some one whispered, "He +is a Lord;" on which she said, "Dear me! Well +then, My lord, Lord Belmour;" and Lord Charles +turned towards the pretty speaker, while a half-muttered. +"Vulgar animal!" was audible to my +mother and myself, and formed a ludicrous contrast +to the affectedly respectful attention and bent head +with which he listened to what she had to observe.</p> + +<p>But when he found that the young lady was +requesting him to sing, and that she declared she +had a claim on him, his expression of mingled +<i>hauteur</i>, astonishment, and indignation, was highly +comic, and we who knew him were eagerly expecting +his answer, when we heard him say, having +bowed and smirked his hand affectedly to his heart +at the same time, "with the greatest pleasure in +life;—which wine, claret or Champagne?"</p> + +<p>"Dear me," cried the young lady, "I did not +ask you to drink, but to sing, my lord."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Champagne; very good. Carry a glass +to that young lady:" but she indignantly rejected +it, and repeated her request.</p> + +<p>"I beg pardon," replied the <ins title="original has impractible">impracticable</ins> Lord +Charles, "I thought you said Champagne: then +take claret to the young lady," who in vain exerted +her voice. He remained quite deaf, holding his +ear like a deaf person, much to the amusement +of the company and the confusion of the fair +supplicant, who had been encouraged by the admiring +glances which Lord Charles had till now +bestowed on her, to think that any request from +her would have been attended to.</p> + +<p>Thus far Lord Charles's endangered dignity had +come off with flying colours, as it was no great +affront to be requested to sing by a pretty girl, +even though she had told him that he had a singing +face, and looked like a singer; for the turn which +he had given to her application got the laugh on +his side, and he was very sure that she would not +so presume again. But he was not to be let off +so easily; for Mr. Oswald, who, being almost +"as drunk as a lord," felt himself quite as great +as one, now came behind Lord Charles, and giving +him a sounding blow across the back, exclaimed +with an oath, "Come, now, Belmour, there is a +good fellow, do sing, for I have heard you are a +comical dog when you like."</p> + +<p>If a look could have annihilated, that instant +would the little fat man have disappeared from +off the face of the earth. The glance of Lord +Charles was powerless even to wound Mr. Oswald; +and he was equally unmoved when, scorning even +to answer his importunate host, our friend suddenly +addressed my mother, saying, "I think, +Mrs. Pendarves, you desired me to call your carriage?"</p> + +<p>"You are mistaken, my lord," replied my +mother, with a reproving look which he well understood; +and his tormentor was going to assail +him again, when Seymour, to relieve Lord Charles, +drew him into conversation; and I had just advised +his still irritated guest to remember that +Oswald was intoxicated, when our attention was +attracted to a conversation between Mrs. Oswald +and another lady, of which Lord Charles was the +subject; and it was evident that Mrs. Oswald +spoke of him in no friendly tone.</p> + +<p>"Yes, my lord," said she, "you may look; +we were certainly talking of your lordship."</p> + +<p>"You do me much honour, madam."</p> + +<p>"That is as it may be, my lord; but I was +trying to do you justice, for my friend said it was +pride that prevented your singing; but <i>I</i> said—" (and +here she raised her voice to a shriller and +more ludicrous pitch than usual) "yes, I said, says +I, 'That is impossible, my dear; it cannot be +pride; for if a real peer of the realm,' says I, +'the real thing, condescends to sing and amuse +the company, surely Lord Charles Belmour need +not be above it, who is only a commonly called, +you know.'"</p> + +<p>Instantly, to my consternation, and afterwards +to his own, Lord Charles, thrown off his guard +by this sarcasm, echoed her last words, and gave +her tone and manner so exactly, that the effect +upon the company was irresistible, and a general +laugh ensued; which, to do him justice, shocked +more than it gratified the self-condemned mimic, +who could only for a moment be provoked to violate +the rules of good breeding; and he was completely +subdued, when Mrs. Oswald, with a degree of +forbearance and good-humour which exalted her +in my esteem, observed, "Well, my lord, you +have condescended to exert your talent of mimicry, +though you would not sing; and though it was at +my expense, I am grateful to you, as you have +contributed to amuse my company."</p> + +<p>"Admirably replied!" exclaimed my mother.</p> + +<p>"Excellent, excellent, bravo!" cried Pendarves; +while Lord Charles, admonished, penitent and +ashamed, was not slow to redeem himself from +the sort of disgrace which he had incurred. Rising +gracefully and bowing his head on his clasped +hands, he solicited her pardon for the liberty which +her evident nature had emboldened him to take, +declaring at the same time, that if she forgave him, +it would be long before he should forgive himself.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Oswald, who was really as kind-hearted +as she seemed, readily granted the pardon which +he asked, and he respectfully pressed her offered +hand to his lips. He did more; for while the +carriages were called, he suddenly disappeared, +and in a moment we could have fancied ourselves +at the door of Drury-lane or Covent-garden; for +the offered services of link-boys, the cries of +"Coach, coach," and "Here, your honour," +with all the different sounds, were heard in the +hall; and while the guests listened delighted to +this new and unexpected entertainment, the Oswalds +were, I saw, evidently gratified at finding +that it proceeded from the talent of Lord Charles. +O the unnecessary humiliation to which pride exposes +itself! Had he civilly though firmly refused +the young lady's and Mr. Oswald's request to sing, +and not discovered in the evening his haughty +contempt for the company and his host, or insulted +his hostess, he needed not to have condescended to +an expiatory exhibition from which under other circumstances +his pride would have properly revolted.</p> + +<p>Thus ended this to me disagreeable evening, +which extended far into the morning. The drive +home was pleasant; for Lord Charles, having +reconciled himself to himself by his ample <i>amende +honorable</i>, and by the generous candour with +which he received our reproofs, thought he was +privileged to indulge his less amiable feelings by +turning some of the company into ridicule, and +exhibiting them to the very life before us. I must +own that I again felt an ungenerous pleasure in +some part of the entertainment, namely his mimicry +of Lady Martindale, which I vainly endeavoured +to subdue, and I was glad that, as Pendarves +rode on the box, he did not witness my +degradation. I must add, that both my mother +and myself were gratified to observe that Lord +Charles forbore to mimic our kind but vulgar +host and hostess; and my mother took care to +let him know indirectly that his delicacy was not +lost upon her.</p> + +<p>Another performance was fixed for that day week; +the original Letitia Hardy, however, was expected, +and most gladly did I offer to resign my part to +her. Still, I was mortified to see with how little +concern Pendarves heard me offer my resignation, +and saw it accepted. Alas! not even Lord +Charles's and my mother's joy at my being removed +from a situation which they thought unworthy +of me, could reconcile me to his indifference on +the subject.</p> + +<p>The next day Lord Charles was to leave us; +but I saw that his departure was more welcome to +my husband than to my mother and myself. In +the morning he had requested Pendarves to walk +with him round the grounds, and they returned, +I observed, with disturbed countenances.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles then called, and sat some time +with my mother. What passed between them I +do not know; but their parting was even +affectionate, and his with me was distinguished from +all our other partings by a degree of emotion for +which I could not account.</p> + +<p>"How I shall miss you!" said I, softened by +his dejection.</p> + +<p>"Thank you! I can bear better to leave you +now:" and springing into his carriage he drove +off and I felt forlorn; for I felt that I had lost a +friend: and I also felt that I wanted one who, +like him, had some check over my husband.</p> + +<p>What more shall I say of this painful period of +my life, for which, however, painful as it was, +I would gladly have exchanged that which soon +followed? One day was a transcript of the other. +Pendarves, ever good-natured and kind while he +was at home, seemed to think that he was thereby +justified in leaving me continually; but as I was +not of that opinion, to use a French phrase, <i>je +dépérissois à vue d'œil;</i> and though I affected +to be cheerful, my mother saw that my feelings +were undermining my existence. But not even +to her would I complain of my husband and she +respected my silence too much to wish me to break +it. However she was with me,—she, I felt, never +would forsake me, or love me less; and while I +had her, I was far from being completely miserable. +Alas! what was she not to me? friend, counsellor, +comforter!</p> + +<p>But the decree was gone forth, and even her I +was doomed to resign!</p> + +<p>Not long after Lord Charles had quitted us, +I perceived a visible alteration in my mother's +appearance. I saw that she ate little, that she +was very soon fatigued, and that her fine spirits +were gone. I had no doubt but that she fretted +for my anxieties. I therefore laboured the more +to convince her that I was not as uneasy as she +thought me.</p> + +<p>But how vainly did I try to veil my heart from +her penetrating glance! if there be such a thing +as the art of divination, it is possessed by the +eagle eye of interested affection, and that was hers.</p> + +<p>My mother saw all my secret struggles; she +pitied, she resented their cause; and I have sometimes +feared that she sunk under them.</p> + +<p>One morning, Pendarves on his return from +Oswald Lodge came in with a very animated countenance, +and told us a new description of amusement +was introduced there, namely, archery, and +he must beg me to go with him the next day, and +learn to be an archer. "Lady Martindale," cried +he, "already shoots like Diana herself."</p> + +<p>"The only resemblance, I should think," said +my mother, "which she has to Diana. But what +do you say to this proposal, Helen? I must take +leave to say that, as your mother, you can never +go to Oswald Lodge again with my consent on any +terms: and to engage in this new competition, oh! +never, never!"</p> + +<p>"And why not, madam? There is nothing +indelicate in such an exhibition; and I own my +pride in Helen, as a husband, made me wish to +see her fine form exhibited in the graceful action +of shooting at a target. Besides, as I really wish +if possible to associate her in all my amusements, +I was delighted to think this new pursuit would +have led her to join me in my visits to the Lodge, +and I am really desirous to know on what grounds +you object to her obliging me."</p> + +<p>"On account of the company there. Mr. and +Mrs. Oswald are weak, vain people, fond of courting +persons of quality; and so as they can but be +intimate with a Lord and Lady, they care not of +what description they are. This Lord Martindale +is, I find, a man not much noticed by his equals; +and as to Lady Martindale, the woman who could +so expose her person in the dress of a Statue is not +a fit companion for my daughter, nor your wife."</p> + +<p>"You are severe, madam; but what says Helen?"</p> + +<p>"That my mother does not make sufficient +allowances for the difference of manners and ideas +between a French and an English woman; and +that the dress which shocks us in the former does +not necessarily prove incorrectness of conduct."</p> + +<p>"Incorrectness of conduct! and can your mother +suppose I would introduce my wife to a woman +whom I knew to be incorrect in her conduct?"</p> + +<p>"No, Seymour, no: I do you more justice. +But it is my duty to inform you that it is suspected +this person is Lord Martindale's mistress only, +not his wife."</p> + +<p>"Not his wife!" interrupted Seymour.</p> + +<p>"No, so I am informed. As to him, you know +his character is so infamous that one can wonder +at nothing he does; and he has been suspected +of being a spy for the French convention, as well +as the lady."</p> + +<p>"Madam," said Seymour, "I thought you +had been above listening to tales like these, and +I cannot think myself justified in acting upon +them. On the contrary, by taking my wife to +the Lodge, I think it right to show my disregard of +them, especially as by staying away, and by her +distant manner when there, Helen has already +injured the character of Lady Martindale, and +made even my attentions to her the source of +calumny. This the afflicted lady told me with +tears and lamentations, and Helen's renewed visits +can alone repair the injury her absence has done."</p> + +<p>"So, then, this is the real reason of your +wishing to make Helen a sharer in your amusements, +and to exhibit her fine form to advantage!" +exclaimed my mother indignantly. "But, Mr. +Pendarves, if your constant visits are injurious to +the fame of this afflicted lady, you know your +remedy—discontinue them; for never, with my +consent, shall my virtuous daughter lend her +assistance to shield any one from the infamy which +they deserve."</p> + +<p>"Deserve, madam!" cried Seymour, as indignant +as she was: "repeat that, and, spite of the +love and reverence I bear you, I shall exert a +husband's lawful authority, and see who dares +dispute it."</p> + +<p>"Not I," she replied, folding her arms submissively +on her breast, "and still less that poor +trembling girl. No, Pendarves, my only resource +now is supplication and entreaty: and I conjure +you, by the dear name of your beloved mother, +and by the memory of past fond and endearing +circumstances, and hours, to grant the prayer of +a dying woman, and not to force your wife to this +abode of revelry and riot. I feel my days are +already numbered; and when I am taken from +you, bitter will be your recollections if you refuse, +my son, and soothing if you grant my prayer. +I know you, Seymour, and I know that you +cannot do any great cruelty without great remorse."</p> + +<p>It was some moments before Pendarves could +speak; at length he said—"Your request alone +would have been sufficient, without your calling +up such agonizing ideas. Helen, my best love, +tell your mother you shall never go to Oswald +Lodge again." He then put his handkerchief to +his eyes, and rushed out of the room.</p> + +<p>"The foolish boy's heart is in the right place +still," said my mother, giving way to tears, but +smiling at the same time.</p> + +<p>But I, alas! could neither smile nor speak. +She had called herself a dying woman; and through +the rest of the day I could do nothing but look +at and watch her, and go out of the room to +weep; and my night was passed in wretchedness +and prayer.</p> + +<p>The next day I found my husband cold and +sullen in manner; and I suspected that, having +engaged to bring me to Oswald Lodge, he was +mortified and ashamed to go thither without me, +and would, I doubted not, make some excuse for +my staying away which was not strictly true.</p> + +<p>No one could feel more strongly or more +virtuously than Pendarves: but good feelings, +unless they are under the guard of strict principles, +are subject to run away when summoned by +the voice of pleasure and of error: and before he +set off for the archery ground, he told me he +sincerely repented his promise to my mother.</p> + +<p>I did not reply, but shook my head mournfully.</p> + +<p>"Psha!" said he, "that ever a fine woman +like you, Helen, should wish to appear in her +husband's eyes little better than a constant <i>memento +mori!</i> Helen, an arrow cannot fly as far +in a wet as in a dry air; and a laughing eye hits +<ins title="original has were">where</ins> a tearful one fails. You see I already steal +my metaphors from my new study. But, good +bye, sweet Helen! and when I return let me find +you a little less dismal."</p> + +<p>This was not the way to make me so; nor were +his daily visits at this seducing house, which began +in the morning, and lasted till he came home to +dress for dinner; he then returned thither to stay +till evening. At last he chose to dress there, and +he did not return till night; nor, perhaps, would +he have done that, had there not been some house-breaking +in our neighbourhood, and he was afraid +of leaving the house so ill-defended. I think that +pique and resentment had some share in making +him thus increase in the length as well as constancy +of his visits; for I saw but too clearly that he +continued offended with my poor mother: and I +doubted not but that he had owned she was the +cause of my refusal to visit at the house, and that +Lady Martindale had added full force to this bitter +feeling.</p> + +<p>But he soon lost all resentment against my +beloved parent.—Not very long after his painful +conversation with her I was summoned to her, +as she was too ill to rise, and had sent for medical +advice.</p> + +<p>"Go for my husband instantly," cried I.</p> + +<p>"My mistress forbade me go for him," replied +her faithful Juan (one of my father's manumised +slaves), "and I canno go."</p> + +<p>"Then she does not think very ill of herself?" +said I.</p> + +<p>"No, but I think very bad indeed."</p> + +<p>And when I saw her, my fears were as strongly +excited.</p> + +<p>"I am going, I am going fast, my child," said +she: "but I do not wish to have Pendarves sent +for yet: I wish to have you a little while without +any divided feelings, and all my own once more; +when he comes, the wife will seduce away the child."</p> + +<p>"How can you think so?" said I, giving way +to an agony of grief; "and how can you be so +barbarous as to tell me you are dying?"</p> + +<p>"My poor child! I wished long ago to prepare +you, but you would not be prepared. For your +sake I still wished to live. You would have better +spared me years ago, Helen! but this is cruel; +and I will try to behave better."</p> + +<p>As soon as her physician arrived, and had felt +her pulse, I saw by his countenance that he was +considerably alarmed; and the first feeling of my +heart was to send for my husband, for him on +whom I had been accustomed to rely in the hour +of affliction. But I dared not, after what had passed! +and I tried to rally all the powers of my mind to +meet the impending evil, while I raised my thoughts +to Him who listens to the cry of the orphan.</p> + +<p>The physician had promised to come again in +the evening. He did so; and then I learnt that +there was indeed no hope; and I also learnt, by +the agony of that moment, that I had in reality +hoped till then; and, more like an automaton then +aught alive, I sat by the fast exhausting sufferer.</p> + +<p>Pendarves returned at night, and heard with +anguish uncontrollable, not only that my mother +was dying, but had forbidden that he should be +sent for; and he arrived at the house in a state +little short of distraction, nor could he be kept +from the chamber of death.</p> + +<p>His countenance, as he stood at the foot of the +bed, told all the agony of his mind. They tell +me so, for I saw him not; I could only see that +object whom I was soon to behold no more!</p> + +<p>My mother knew him; read, no doubt, all his +wild wan look expressed; and smiling kindly, +held out her hand to him. He was instantly on +his knees by her bed-side; and she seemed, from +the look she gave him, to feel all the maternal +love for him revive which she had experienced +through life.</p> + +<p>Your husband, my dear friend, now came to +perform his interesting duty, and we left her +alone with him.</p> + +<p>Oh! what a night succeeded! But Pendarves +felt more than I. My faculties were benumbed: +I had made such unnatural efforts for some time +past to appear cheerful, while my heart was breaking, +that I was too much exhausted to be able to +endure this new demand on my fortitude and my +strength; therefore already was that merciful +stupor coming over me, which saved, I firmly believe, +both my life and my reason.</p> + +<p>My mother frequently, during that night, joined +my hand in that of Pendarves, grasped them thus +united, while her eyes were raised to heaven in +prayer, but spoke not. At length, however, just +as the last moment was approaching, she faltered +out—"Seymour, be kind, be very kind to my +poor child; she has only you now."</p> + +<p>He replied by clasping me to his breast; and +in one moment more all was over!</p> + +<p>You know what followed; you know that for +many weeks I was blessedly unconscious of every +thing, and that I lay between death and life under +the dominion of fever. My first return of consciousness +and of speech showed itself thus:—I +heard voices below, and recognised them, no doubt, +as female voices; for I drew back the curtain, and +asked my mother's faithful Alice whose voice I +heard. But the joy my speaking gave the poor +creature was instantly damped, for I added—"But +I conclude it is my mother's voice, and I +dare say she will be here presently."</p> + +<p>Alice, bursting into tears, replied—"Your +blessed mother never come now."</p> + +<p>"Oh, but by-and-by will do:" and I closed +my eyes again.</p> + +<p>Alice now ran down stairs to call my husband, +and tell him what had passed. The voices I heard +were those of Mrs. Oswald and Lady Martindale, +who had called every day to inquire for me; and +Pendarves had been this day prevailed upon to go +down to them. But he bitterly repented his +complaisance when he found I had heard them +talking; though he rejoiced in my restored hearing, +which had seemed quite gone. He hastily, therefore, +dismissed his visitors, and resumed his station by +my bed-side. I knew him, and spoke to him; +but damped all his satisfaction by asking for my +mother, and wondering where she was. He could +not answer me, and was doubtful what he ought +to reply when he recovered himself.</p> + +<p>At this moment the physician entered; and +hearing what had passed, declared that the sooner +he could make me understand what had happened, +and shed tears (for I had shed none yet), the +sooner I should recover, and he advised his beginning +to do it directly.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, when I again asked for her he +said—"Do you not see my black coat, Helen? +and do you not remember our loss?"</p> + +<p>"O, yes; but I thought our mourning for the +dear child was over."</p> + +<p>"You see!" said Pendarves mournfully.</p> + +<p>The physician replied—"Till her memory is +restored, though her life is spared, a cure is far +distant; but persevere."</p> + +<p>In a fortnight I was able to take air; but I +still wondered where my mother was, though I +soon forgot her again.</p> + +<p>But one day Pendarves asked me if I would go +and visit the grave of my child, which I had not +visited for some time. I thankfully complied, and +he dragged me in a garden chair to the church door.</p> + +<p>It was not without considerable emotion that he +supported me to that marble slab which now +covered my mother as well as my child, and I +caught some of his trembling agitation.</p> + +<p>"Look there, my poor Helen!" said he.</p> + +<p>I did look, and read the name of my child.</p> + +<p>"Look lower yet."</p> + +<p>I did so, and the words 'Julia Pendarves;' +with the sad <i>et cetera</i>, met my view, and seemed +to restore my shattered comprehension.</p> + +<p>In a moment the whole agonizing truth rushed +upon my mind; and throwing myself on the cold +stone, I called upon my departed parent, and wept +till I was deluged in tears, and had sobbed myself +into the stillness of exhaustion.</p> + +<p>"Thank God! thou art restored, my beloved, +and all will yet, I trust, be well," said my husband +as he bore me away.</p> + +<p>From that time my memory returned, and with +it so acute a feeling of what I had lost, that I fear +I was ungrateful enough to regret my imbecility.</p> + +<p>I now insisted on hearing details of all that +had occurred since my illness; and I found that +my uncle and aunt had come down to attend the +funeral of my mother, and that Lord Charles had +attended uninvited to pay her that tribute of +respect, nor had he returned to London till my +life was declared out of danger. How deeply I +felt this attention! I also heard that the ladies at +the Lodge pestered my husband with letters, to +prevail on him to spare his sensibility the pain of +following my lost parent to the grave: but that, +however he shrunk from the task, he had treated +their request with the utmost disregard, saying, +that if he had no other motive, the certainty that +he was doing what <i>I</i> should have wished, was +sufficient.</p> + +<p>When I was quite restored to strength, both of +mind and body, Pendarves gave me the key of +my mother's papers, which he had carefully sealed +up. My mother left no will, as she wished me to +inherit every thing; but in a little paper directed +to Pendarves she desired that an income might +be settled on Juan and Alice, which would make +them comfortable and independent for life; that +her friends the De Waldens might have some +memorial of her given to them; and that Lord +Charles might have her travelling writing-desk.</p> + +<p>Oh! what overwhelming feelings I endured +while looking over her papers, containing a sketch +of her life, her reflections and prayers when I +married Pendarves, a character of Lady Helen, +of her husband and of my father, and many +fragments, all indicative of a mother's love and +a mother's anxiety! But tender sorrow was suspended +by curiosity, when I found one letter from +Ferdinand de Walden! It was evidently written +in answer to one from her, in which she had +described me as suffering deeply, but, on principle, +trying to appear cheerful, and for her sake dutifully +trying to conceal from her the agony of my heart. +What else she had said, was very evident from the +part of the letter which I transcribe, translating +it from the French.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"Yes! you only, I believe, do me justice. I +should have been a more devoted husband than +Pendarves; having my affections built, I trust, +on a firmer foundation than his, viz. a purifying +faith, and its result, pure habits. Still, I know +not how to excuse his conduct towards such an +angel! for oh! that faded cheek, and that shrunk +form, that dejection of spirits from a mother's +sorrows which seem to have alienated him, would +have endeared her to me still more fondly—"</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>I had resolution enough, my dear friend, to +pause here, and read no more: nay, distrusting +my own strength, I had the courage to commit +the dangerous letter to the flames, and that was +indeed an exertion of duty.</p> + +<p>I shall pass lightly and rapidly over the next +few months.—My husband gradually resumed his +intercourse at the Lodge; while I, to conceal as +much as possible his neglect, paid and received +visits; and Mrs. Ridley and my aunt were by turns +my guests, for I had now lost my dread of the +latter. She had nothing to tell but what I knew +already, except that she believed my husband more +criminal than I did or could think him, and that +I positively forbade her ever to name him to me +again. I also visited you, and did all I could to +fly from that feeling of conscious desolation which +was ever present to me since I lost my mother. +In all other afflictions I had her to rely upon; I +had her to sooth and to comfort me: but who had +I to console me for the loss of her? on whose +never-to-be-abated tenderness could I rely? Other +ties, if destroyed, may be formed again; but we +can have parents only once; and I had lost my +mother, my sole surviving parent, at a moment +when I wanted her most. Still, I roused myself +from my lethargy of grief, and 'sorrowed' not +like 'one without hope.' But the misery of disappointed +and wounded affections preyed on me +while tenderer woes slumbered, and my health +continued to fade, my youth to decay.</p> + +<p>My kind aunt and Mrs. Ridley were both just +come on a visit to me, when Pendarves signified +his intention of accompanying his friends on a +tour to the Lakes. He said his health had suffered +much from his anxiety during my illness, and he +thought the journey would do him good.</p> + +<p>"Then take your wife a journey," cried my +aunt bluntly: "she wants it more than you do."</p> + +<p>"She will not accompany my friends," replied +he; "and my word is pledged to go with them."</p> + +<p>"Is a pledge given to friends more sacred than +duty to a wife, Mr. Seymour Pendarves?"</p> + +<p>"Is it a husband's duty never to stir without +his wife, madam?"</p> + +<p>"My dear aunt, you forget," said I, "how unfit +I am to travel: quiet and home suit me best."</p> + +<p>"It is well they do," said my aunt; and Seymour +left the room.</p> + +<p>I will pass over the time that intervened before +Seymour's departure: suffice that I tried to attribute +his still frequent absences from home to his +dislike of his aunt's society; and in the meanwhile +I masked an aching heart in smiles, that no one +might have the authority of my dejected spirits +to found an accusation of my husband upon.</p> + +<p>At length the day of Seymour's departure arrived, +and we had an affectionate and on my side +a tearful parting: but I recovered myself soon; +and though I deeply felt the unkindness of his +leaving me after my recent affliction, I declared +it the wisest thing he could do, and that I hoped +he would find me fat and cheerful at his return. +But I saw I did not convert my auditors; and that +Lord Charles Belmour, who called to inquire +after my health, absolutely started when he found +that Seymour was gone away on a journey. I +could not bear this, but left the room; for I could +not, would not, either by word or look, blame +my husband; and I could not bear to observe +that he was blamed by others.</p> + +<p>At the end of three weeks my uncle came down +to fetch his wife; and I heard, with a satisfaction +which I could not conceal, that my uncle hoped +he should be able to prove that Lady Martindale, +as she was called, was a spy of the Convention, +and that he could get her sent out of the country +on the Alien Bill; for that she was undoubtedly +the mistress, not the wife, of Lord Martindale. +I also learnt that Lord Charles had been indefatigable +in using his exertions and his interest to +effect this purpose, in hopes, as my aunt said, +of opening my husband's eyes; and she thought, +when he saw that his uncle and his friend were +thus active and watchful to save him from perdition, +that he could not refuse to be convinced +and saved.</p> + +<p>Alas! we none of us as yet knew Pendarves. +We did not know that in proportion to conscious +strength of mind is the capacity of conviction—and +that no one is so jealous of interference, and +so averse to being proved in the wrong, as those +who are most prone to err and most conscious of +weakness. My uncle and aunt went away in high +spirits at the idea of the good which was going to +accrue to me from their exertions, and left me +much cheered in my prospects, little thinking of +the blow which these exertions were ensuring to me.</p> + +<p>My husband wrote to me on his journey about +twice a week; but as he rarely did so till the post +was just going out, or the horses were waiting, I +was convinced, either that he had lost all remains +of tenderness for me, or that, conscious of acting +ill, he could not bear to write.</p> + +<p>When he had been gone two months, I was +expecting his arrival in London every day, and +with no small anxiety; for my uncle had written +me word, that as soon as Annette Beauvais (for +that <i>was</i> her real name) arrived in town, she would +be seized by the officers employed by Government, +and be shipped off directly for Altona—whither +Lord Martindale, who was reckoned a dangerous +disloyal subject, would be advised to accompany her.</p> + +<p>But while I was pleasing myself with the idea +that Pendarves, when convinced of the real character +of those with whom he associated so intimately, +would return to me thankful for the +discovery, and that in the detected courtesan and +spy he would forget the fascinating companion, +a very different end was preparing for the well-intentioned +plans of our friend and relation.</p> + +<p>Pendarves, not choosing to fail in respect to his +uncle, and resolved to consider himself as on good +terms with him, called at his house in Stratford +Place; but unfortunately found only Mrs. Pendarves. +The consequence you may easily foresee. +She reproached him with his cruel neglect of his +wife, and then triumphed in the approaching +discomfiture of that wicked woman who had lured +him from her; informing him with great exultation, +that his uncle had procured her arrestation; that +she would be taken up directly, and sent abroad; +and that his angel-wife was expecting his return +to her with eager and affectionate love.</p> + +<p>"And was my wife privy to this injustice and +this outrage?" asked Pendarves, with a faltering +voice and a flashing eye.</p> + +<p>"To be sure she was."</p> + +<p>"Then she may expect me, madam, but I will +never return!" Having said this, he rushed +from the house, and hurried back to the lodgings. +He found Lady Martindale, as she still persisted +in calling herself, in fits, and Lord Martindale +threatening, but in vain. The warrant was +executed, and the lady forced to set off, her lord +having a hint given him, which made his retreat +advisable also.</p> + +<p>"You shall not go <i>alone</i>, my friends," said +Pendarves, as soon as he saw that their banishment +was certain; "and as my family have presumed to +procure your exile, they shall find that they have +exiled me too."</p> + +<p>So saying, he left the house, gained a passport +as an American, which you know he was, as well +as myself, by birth, and soon overtaking them, +he travelled with them, and embarked with them +for Altona.</p> + +<p>He wrote to me from the port whence they +embarked, and such a letter! I thought I should +never have held up my head after it. He reproached +me for joining the mean cabal against an injured +and innocent woman, and declared that as I and +his uncle had caused her exile, he felt it his duty +to sooth and to share it.</p> + +<p>In a postscript he told me he had drawn for all +the money that was in his banker's hands, before +he set out on his journey: that he wished me to +let our house, and remove into my mother's, which +was still empty; that he trusted I would not let +him want in a foreign land; for in some respects +he knew I could be generous; but that he feared +the income of his fortune must be appropriated +to the payment of his debts, which were so many, +he feared he could not return, even if he wished +it, except at the danger of losing his personal +liberty. He trusted therefore that I would join +my uncle in settling his affairs; and if he wanted +money to support him, he knew I would spare +him some out of the fortune which came to me on +the death of my mother, the income of which I, +and I alone, could receive.</p> + +<p>In the midst of the wretchedness inflicted by +this letter—for it was my nature to cling to hope, +I eagerly caught at the high idea of my conjugal +virtues which this cruel letter implied; and I +trusted that, when intimate association had completely +unmasked this Syren and her paramour, +he would prize me the more from contrast, and +hasten home to receive my eagerly-bestowed forgiveness. +But the order to let the house was so indicative +of a separation meant to be long, if not +eternal, that again and again I went from hope to +despair. But there was one sorrow converted into +rejoicing. Till now I had grieved that my mother +was no more: but now I rejoiced to think that +this last terrible blow was spared her; that she +did not live to witness the grief of her worse than +widowed daughter, nor to see the degradation of +the beloved son of her idolized Lady Helen. Degradation +did I say? Yes: but I still persisted to +excuse my husband, and would not own even to +myself that he was without excuse for his conduct. +I thought it was generous in him not to forsake +his friends in their distress, nor would I allow any +one to hint at the probability that his female companion +was his mistress.</p> + +<p>I also resolved to justify his reliance on my exertions +and my generosity. I wrote to my uncle, +I made myself acquainted with all his embarrassments, +I dismissed every servant but Alice and +Juan, and I set apart two-thirds of my income +also for payment of the debts.</p> + +<p>My uncle would fain have interfered, and advanced +me the money; but I had a pride in making +sacrifices for my husband's sake, and I wished +Mr. Pendarves to leave him money in his will, as +a resource for him when he should return to +England, and I should be no more; for I fancied +that I was far gone in a rapid decline. But I +mistook nervous symptoms, the result of a distressed +mind, for consumptive ones; and to my +great surprise, when I had arranged my husband's +affairs, and had, while so employed, been forced +to visit London once or twice, and associate with +the friends who loved and honoured me, my pain +of the side decreased, my pulse became slower, +my appetite returned, and I recovered something +of my former appearance. But it was now the +end of the winter of 1793, and the reign of terror +had long been begun in France, while we heard +from every quarter that the English there were in +the utmost danger, on account of the unpopularity +of the English Government; that all were leaving +France who could get away; and Pendarves was +gone to Paris! But then he was an American. +Still, I could not divest myself of fears for his +life; and the horrible idea of his pining in a foreign +land, in a prison and in poverty, (for, though he +had written to say he was arrived in Paris, he had +not drawn for money, nor given his address,) +haunted me continually. To be brief: you know +how the idea of my husband's danger took entire +possession of my imagination, till I conceived it +to be my duty to set off for Paris.</p> + +<p>You remember, that you and your husband both +dissuaded me from the rash and hazardous undertaking; +and that I replied, "I have now but one +object of interest in the world, the husband of +my love! True, a romantic generosity, and what +he calls just resentment, have led him for the present +to forsake his country and me; but that is +no reason why I should forsake him; and who +knows but that the result of my self-devotion may +restore him to me more attached than ever?" +You know that you listened, admired, and almost +encouraged me; and that you have always considered +this determination, as the crown of my +conjugal glory, and held it up as a bright example +of a wife's duty. But, my dear friend, my own +sobered judgement and the lessons of experience, +together with reproof from lips that never can +deceive, and a judgement that can rarely err, +have convinced me that I rather violated than +performed a wife's duty when I set off on this romantic +expedition to France.</p> + +<p>No: if ever I deserved the character of a good +wife, it was from the passive fortitude and the +patient spirit with which I bore up against neglect, +wounded affections, and slighted tenderness. It +was the sense of duty which led me to throw a +veil over my husband's faults, which held him up +when his own errors had cast him down, and which +led me still, in strict compliance with my marriage +vows, to obey and honour him by all a wife's +attentions, even when I feared that he deserved +not my esteem.</p> + +<p>But to go on with my narrative. My uncle and +aunt came down to reason me out of my folly, as +they called it; and my uncle thought he held a +very persuasive argument, for he told me he felt +it indelicate for me to intrude myself and my fondness +on a husband who had showed he did not +value it, and had chosen to escape from me.</p> + +<p>"But I do not <i>mean</i> to intrude upon him," I +replied; "I mean to be concealed in Paris, and +with Alice and Juan to attend me; I fear nothing +for myself, nor need you fear for me."</p> + +<p>"What!" cried my aunt, "be in Paris, and +not let the vile man know you are there? <i>I</i> should +discover myself, if it were only for the sake of +reproaching him; for I should treat him very +differently, I assure you. <i>I</i> should show him</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'Earth has a rage with love to hatred turned,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> And love has fury by a woman spurned.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"But you are not Helen, my dear," said my +uncle, meekly sighing as he always did over her +misquotations; and still he argued, and I resisted, +when I obtained an unexpected assistant in our +kind physician.</p> + +<p>"My dear sir," said he, "if your niece remains +here in compliance with your wishes, I well know +that her mind and her feelings will prey upon her +life, and ultimately destroy it, if they do not unsettle +her reason. But if she is allowed to be +active and to indulge at whatever risk her devoted +affection to her husband, depend on it she will be +well and comparatively happy: nor do I see that +she runs any great risk. She is an American; +her two servants are the same, and are most devotedly +attached to her: and I give my opinion, +both as a physician and a friend, that she had +better go."</p> + +<p>Oh, how I loved the good old man for what he +said! and my uncle and aunt were now contented +to yield the point; but my uncle insisted on defraying +all my expenses.</p> + +<p>"They will be trifling," said I; "for I shall not +choose to travel as a lady, but to dress as plainly, +travel as cheaply, and attract as little attention <ins title="original has as as">as</ins> +I can."</p> + +<p>This he approved; but, in case I should want +money to purchase services either for myself or +my husband, he insisted on my sewing into my +stays ten bank notes of a hundred pounds each, +and I accepted them in case of emergencies, as I +thought I had no right to refuse what might be of +service to my husband.</p> + +<p>"Would I were not an old man!" said my +uncle; "then you should not go alone, Helen." +But I convinced him that any English friend would +only be a detriment to me.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles Belmour, on hearing of my design, +left London, and the career of dissipation in which +he was ever engaged, to argue with me, to expostulate +with me, to entreat that I would not go, +and risk my precious life, which no man living +was worthy to have sacrificed for him, and then +burst into tears of genuine feeling when he bade +me adieu, wishing that "Heaven had made him +such a woman;" and, while envying the husband +of a virtuous wife, went back to a new mistress, +and renewed his course of error.</p> + +<p>At length the day of my departure arrived; and +plainly attired, I set off for the port of Great +Yarmouth, attended by my two faithful servants.</p> + +<p>Juan and Alice were both slaves on part of our +American property; but they were born on the +estate of a French proprietor, therefore French +was their native tongue, which was a fortunate +circumstance. As soon as my father was their +master he made them free, and they became man +and wife. They had lived with my mother ever +since. She, as I before said, had desired they +should be made independent for life. It is no +wonder, therefore, the faithful creatures were devoted +to the daughter of their benefactress, and I +had the most cheering confidence in the tried +sagacity as well as integrity of both. Their colour, +you know, was what is called mulatto, and their +appearance was less distinguished by ugliness than +is usually the case with such persons.</p> + +<p>I thought it necessary to give this little history +of two beings whom I learnt to love even in childhood, +and who in the season of my affliction added +to that love the feeling of interminable gratitude.</p> + +<p>Well, behold us landed at Altona, and designated +in our passports as Mrs. Helen Pendarves, and +Juan and Alice Duval, Americans. After a tedious +journey in the carts of the country, and sometimes +in its horrible waggons, behold me also arrived in +the metropolis of blood, passports examined and +approved, and all my greatest difficulties at an end. +So relieved was my mind, when every thing was +arranged and I had hitherto gotten on so well, +that my affectionate companions observed with +delighted wonder, that my cheek glowed and my +eyes sparkled once more: but cautious Juan advised +me to hide my face as much as possible, for +there were no such faces in Paris, he believed.</p> + +<p>When however I found myself in Paris, when I +knew that the being I loved best was there, and +yet I dared not seek him, sorrow destroyed my +recovered bloom again, and tears dimmed my eyes. +Yet still I felt a strange overpowering satisfaction +in knowing that I was near him; and when we +had found out his abode, I thought that I could +perhaps contrive to see him, myself unseen. But +I found a letter addressed to me <i>poste restante</i>, +which not only dimmed the brightness of my prospects, +but damped much of my enthusiastic ardour +in the task which I had undertaken, and even +abated some of my tenderness for Pendarves: for +I could no longer shut my eyes to the nature of +his attachment to Annette Beauvais.</p> + +<p>My uncle told me in his letter that Lord Martindale +was returned to London, but could not stay +there, and was on his way to America; that he +had met him in a shop, that on hearing his name, +Lord Martindale had the effrontery to introduce +himself and thanked him for having enabled him +so easily to get rid of a mistress of whom he was +tired.</p> + +<p>"Indeed," said he, "I am much obliged to the +family of Pendarves; for the uncle forces my +mistress to go back to her native place, and the +nephew takes her off my hands, and under his +own protection.</p> + +<p>"And I have the honour to assure you, sir," +said he, "that if you visit Paris, and the Rue +Rivoli, <i>numero</i> 22, you will there find your nephew +romantically happy with a most fascinating <i>chere +amie</i> who had once the honour of bearing my +name."</p> + +<p>"I turned from him," adds my uncle, "with +disgust, as you, I hope, will turn from your unworthy +husband, and come back, my dearest niece, +to your affectionate and anxious uncle."</p> + +<p>For one moment I felt inclined to obey his wishes—my +husband really living with an abandoned +woman, as her avowed protector! wife, country, +reputation, sacrificed for her sake!</p> + +<p>Horrible and disgusting it was indeed! but I +soon recollected, that if it was really a duty in me +to come to Paris for his sake at all, it was equally +a duty now, for his criminality could not destroy +his claims on my duty; nor could his breach of +duty excuse the neglect of mine. In short, +whether love or conscience influenced me, I know +not, but I resolved to stay where I was. And so +he was in the Rue Rivoli! I was glad to know +where he was, but I did not as before wish to see +him, and even to gaze on him unseen. No: I +felt him degraded, and I thought that I should +now turn away if I met him.</p> + +<p>We took a pleasant and retired lodging on the +Italian Boulevards; but I soon found that in this +situation we were not likely to learn any tidings of +Pendarves; and by the time we had been ten days +at Paris, Juan and I resolved, having first felt +our way, to put a plan which we had formed into +execution.</p> + +<p>It was absolutely necessary that we should have +opportunities of knowing what was going forward +in public affairs, in order to learn the degree of +safety or of danger in which Pendarves was; and +if Madame Beauvais had really been a spy in London +for the Convention, she must be connected +with the governing persons in Paris.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, we hired a small house which had +stood empty some time in a street through which +most of the members of the National Convention +were likely to pass in their way to and fro. The +street door opened into a front parlour, and that +into a second parlour: of this with a kitchen and +two chambers consisted the whole of the house. +Humble as it was, I assure you it was on the plan +of one which Robespierre occupied in the zenith +of his power.</p> + +<p>The windows of the front parlour Juan converted +into a sort of shop window; and as he and his +wife were both good bakers, they filled it with a +variety of cakes, which they called <i>gateaux républicains</i>; +and it was not long before, to our great +joy, they obtained an excellent sale for their commodity. +This emboldened us to launch out still +more; and in hopes that our shop might become +a sort of resting and lounging place to the men in +power as they passed, Juan put a coat of paint on +the outside of the house, converted the parlour +into a complete shop, and at length put a notice +over the door in large tricolour letters, importing +that at such hours every day plum and plain pudding +<i>à l'Américaine</i> was to be had <i>hot</i>, as well as +<i>gateaux républicains</i>.</p> + +<p>If this <i>affiche</i> succeeded, there was a chance of +Juan's hearing something relative to the objects of +our anxiety from the members of the Convention, +while I myself, hidden behind the glass door of +the back parlour, might also overhear some to +me important conversation. At any rate, it was +worth the trial; and experience proved that the +scheme was not as visionary as it at first appeared.</p> + +<p>It was not without considerable emotion that I +saw our shop opened, and business prospering. +Never, surely, was there a more curious and singular +situation than mine. Think of me, the +daughter of an American Loyalist, living an unprotected +woman in the metropolis of republican +France, and helping to make puddings and cakes +for the members of the National Convention!</p> + +<p>Though I have never paused in my narrative to +mention politics, still you cannot suppose that I +was ignorant of what was passing on the great +theatre of the Continent, nor that the names of +the chief actors in it were unknown to me. On +the contrary, I often beguiled my lonely hours +with reading the accounts of the proceedings at +Paris; had mourned not only over the fate of the +royal family, but had deplored the death of those +highly gifted men, and that great though mistaken +woman (Madame Roland) in whom I fancied that +I perceived some of the republican virtue to which +others only pretended; and though far from being +a Republican myself, I could not but respect those +who, having adopted a principle however erroneous, +acted upon it consistently. But with Brissot and +his party ended all my interest in the public men +of France, though their names were familiar to +me, and aversion and dread were the only feelings +which they excited.</p> + +<p>Therefore, when on the 1st of February, 1794, +we opened a shop for puddings and cakes, and I +through the curtain of a glass-door saw it thronged +with customers, some of whom I concluded were +regicides and murderers, my heart died within +me. I felt as if I stood in the den of wild beasts, +and I wished myself again in safe and happy +England.</p> + +<p>Juan was frequently asked a number of questions +by his customers; such as who he was, and whence +he came, and how long he had been there; and +his answer was, that he was born in America, and +born a slave, and so was his little wife, but a good +master made him free.</p> + +<p>"Bravo! and <i>Vive la liberté!</i> and you are +like us; we were slaves, now we are free," always +shouted the deluded people to whom he thus +talked.</p> + +<p>Juan used to go on to say that he had heard his +master was in France, and poor, and so they left +America and came to work for him (applauses +again); but that he found he was dead. "And +so," said he, "as I liked Paris, we resolved to +stay here, and make nice things for the republicans +in Europe."</p> + +<p>This tale had its effect; Juan was hailed as +<i>bon citoyen</i> Duval, and promised custom and protection.</p> + +<p>"Oh! dear Miss Helen," cried Juan, (as he +usually called me) "what bloody dogs some of +them look! No doubt some of them were members +of parliament. <i>They</i> govern a nation indeed, who +were such fools as to be so easily taken in by my +story! Psha! I should make a better parliament +man myself."</p> + +<p>At length, we saw some of the distinguished +men.</p> + +<p>Juan heard one of the party call two of the +others Hébert and Danton; and he made an excuse +to come in and tell me which was which. I looked +at them, and was mortified to find that Danton +was so pleasant-looking.</p> + +<p>When they went away, which they did not do +till they had eaten largely, and commended what +they ate, a wild, singularly-looking man entered +the shop, in all the dirty and negligent attire +of a <i>sans culotte</i>, and desired a plum pudding <i>à +l'Américaine</i> to be set before him; declaring +that had it been <i>à l'Anglaise</i> he could not have +eaten it, as it would have tasted of the slavery +of that wretched grovelling country England. +When the pudding was served, he talked more +than he ate, and made minute inquiries into the +history of Alice and Juan; but when he heard who +and what they were, he ran to them, and insisted +on giving each the fraternal embrace—"for I," +said he, "am Anacharsis Cloots! the orator of the +human race; and dear to my heart is the injured +being who was born in servitude. Blessed be the +memory of the master who broke your chains!"</p> + +<p>He then resumed his questions, and, to my +great alarm, desired to know if they lived alone in +the house. Juan, off his guard, replied,</p> + +<p>"No; we have a lodger."</p> + +<p>"Indeed! let me see him."</p> + +<p>"Him! 'tis a woman."</p> + +<p>"Better and better still! Let me see her then. +Is she young and handsome?"</p> + +<p>"Hélas! la pauvre femme! elle ne voit personne, +elle est malade à la mort."<a name="fn7r" id="fn7r"></a><a href="#fn7"><sup><span class="small"> 7</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Eh bien, que je la voye! Je la guérirai moi."<a name="fn8r" id="fn8r"></a><a href="#fn8"><sup><span class="small"> 8</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Tu! citoyen? Oh non! elle ne se guérira +jamais."<a name="fn9r" id="fn9r"></a><a href="#fn9"><sup><span class="small"> 9</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Mais oui, te dis-je. Où est-elle? Je veux absolument +faire sa connaissance."<a name="fn10r" id="fn10r"></a><a href="#fn10"><sup><span class="small"> 10</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"C'est impossible. Elle est au lit."<a name="fn11r" id="fn11r"></a><a href="#fn11"><sup><span class="small"> 11</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Quest-ce que cela fait?"<a name="fn12r" id="fn12r"></a><a href="#fn12"><sup><span class="small"> 12</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Comment, les femmes chez nous ne reçoivent +jamais les visites quand elles sont au lit."<a name="fn13r" id="fn13r"></a><a href="#fn13"><sup><span class="small"> 13</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Mais, quelle bêtise! au moins dis moi son +nom, qui elle est, et tout cela."<a name="fn14r" id="fn14r"></a><a href="#fn14"><sup><span class="small"> 14</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn7" id="fn7"></a><a href="#fn7r">7</a>: Alas! poor woman! she is sick to death.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn8" id="fn8"></a><a href="#fn8r">8</a>: Well, let me see her: I will cure her.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn9" id="fn9"></a><a href="#fn9r">9</a>: You! citizen? Oh no! she will never be cured.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn10" id="fn10"></a><a href="#fn10r">10</a>: Yes, I tell you. Where is she? I will absolutely make +her acquaintance.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn11" id="fn11"></a><a href="#fn11r">11</a>: Impossible. She is in bed.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn12" id="fn12"></a><a href="#fn12r">12</a>: What does that signify?</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn13" id="fn13"></a><a href="#fn13r">13</a>: Our ladies never receive visits in bed.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn14" id="fn14"></a><a href="#fn14r">14</a>: What nonsense! But tell me her name and all that.</p> + +<p>And Juan told him that I was the relation of his +benefactor; that I was in reduced circumstances, +having had a bad husband; and that he and his +wife had taken me to live with them, and never +would desert me.</p> + +<p><i>"O les braves gens!"</i> exclaimed he.—But what +an agony I endured all this time! Afraid that this +mad-headed enthusiast would really insist on paying +me a visit, I ran up stairs, put on my green +spectacles which Juan insisted on my buying (for +he really thought me a perfect beauty, and that +all who looked must love); then tied up my face +in a handkerchief, pulled over it a slouch cap, +and lay down on the bed, drawing the curtains +round. But Alice came up to tell me the strange +man was gone. He declared, however, that the +next time he came he would see <i>la pauvre malade</i>.</p> + +<p>But fortunately we never saw him again, except +when he stopped in company with others, and +was too much taken up in laying down the law for +the benefit of the human race, to remember an +individual.</p> + +<p>You will not be surprised when I tell you, that +slight as was my knowledge of the persons of +Hébert and Anacharsis Cloots, and little as I had +heard of their voices, still the circumstance of +having seen their faces and heard them speak +made all the difference between rejoicing at their +deserved fate and regretting it. They were guillotined +during the course of the next month; and +I shuddered when I heard they were no more, +catching myself saying, "Poor men!" very frequently +during the rest of the day.</p> + +<p>I could give you some interesting details of many +events that now happened in affecting succession; +but they have been painted by abler hands than +mine: I shall only say further concerning our shop-visitors, +that more than once the great Dictator +himself took shelter there from a shower of rain, +and ate a <i>gateau républicain</i>. When he first came, +Juan, who had seen him often before, sent Alice +to tell me who he was; and I cannot describe the +sensation of horror with which he inspired me; +for nature there had made the outside equally ugly +with the inside. He asked many questions of +Juan relative to who he was, and whence and why +he came; and I saw his quick and restless eye +looking suspiciously round, as if he feared an unseen +dagger on every side: and so watchful and +observant was his glance, that I retreated from +the curtain lest he should see me. I was also +terrified to perceive that my poor Juan was not so +much at his ease with <i>him</i>, and did not tell his +story with so steady a voice as usual. But perhaps +like Louis the XIVth, Robespierre was flattered +with the consciousness of inspiring awe. +Juan was, however, a little relieved by the entrance +of Danton, who spoke to him as an old acquaintance; +on which Robespierre turned to Danton and +said, "Then <i>you know</i> these people?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; and their puddings too. Do I not, +citizen?" he good naturedly replied; and soon +after, Robespierre and he departed together.</p> + +<p>Certain it is that I breathed more freely after +they were gone.</p> + +<p>Not long after this, Danton and Camille des +Moulins came together; and though they spoke +very low, Juan heard them talk of <i>la Citoyenne +Beauvais</i>, and then they talked of <i>son bel Américain +Anglois</i>,<a name="fn15r" id="fn15r"></a><a href="#fn15"><sup><span class="small">15</span></sup></a> (so it was clear they knew who +my husband really was,) and they whispered and +laughed. We then heard the name of Colonel +Newton, an Englishman by birth, who had served +in foreign armies all his life, and had the melancholy +distinction of being the only British subject +who was put to death by the guillotine. But Juan +heard him mentioned by these men, and soon after +we knew he was arrested; for Juan was in the +habit of frequenting the Palais Royal and its gardens +in the evening, and other places of public +resort, and there he was sure to hear the news of +the day. At first, he only heard that an Englishman +was arrested; and his emotion was such, that +if any one had looked at him it must have been +perceived; but no one noticed him, and presently +some one named Colonel Newton as the conspirator +who had been denounced and imprisoned.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn15" id="fn15"></a><a href="#fn15r">15</a>: Her handsome American Englishman.</p> + +<p>Was Pendarves acquainted with this unfortunate +man? We could not tell; but certain it was, that +the awful lips which mentioned the one had named +the other.</p> + +<p>In another month Danton and Camille des Moulins +were no more! and fell with many others who +were obnoxious to the tyrant; and again I wished +that I had not seen or heard them.</p> + +<p>As I never went out till it was quite dark, the +great seclusion in which I lived injured my health. +Since the death of Hébert, indeed, I was not so +cautious, as I could wear a hat; but while he lived, +he had decreed that every head-dress was <i>aristocrat</i>, +except the peasants' cap.</p> + +<p>Juan went therefore to find a lodging for me for +a week or two near or in the Champs Elysées, and +in so retired a spot, that with my green spectacles, +and otherwise a little disguised, my guardian declared +he allowed me to walk even in a morning.</p> + +<p>Alice accompanied me, and Juan promised to +come and tell us every evening what was going forward. +During my abode in this pretty place Juan +arrived one evening a good deal agitated, and I +found that he had seen Pendarves.</p> + +<p>"Did he see you?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! no: he saw no one but—"</p> + +<p>"His companion, I suppose?—Was Madame +Beauvais with him?"</p> + +<p>"She was, and her little dog; and the beast +would not come at her call; and then she was +uneasy, and so he took up the nasty animal and +carried it in his arm. I could have wrung its +neck."</p> + +<p>"It is a nice clean animal," replied I, trying to +speak cheerfully. "But how did he look, Juan?"</p> + +<p>"Well, madam—<i>too</i> well!" said the faithful +creature, turning away in agony to think he could +look well under his circumstances.</p> + +<p>"You see he is not yet arrested," said I; "and +for that I am thankful."</p> + +<p>One night, the night before we were to return to +our house, Juan disappointed us and did not come +at all. You, who have always lived in dear and +quiet Britain, cannot form to yourself an idea of +the agitation into which this little circumstance +threw us. We could not fancy he was ill: that +was too common-place and too natural a circumstance +to occur to the heated imaginations of women +accustomed as we were to tales of terror and blood; +and we thought no less than that he had been suspected, +denounced, arrested, and would be <i>jugé à +mort</i>. What a night of misery was ours! Early +in the morning, however, Alice set off for Paris, +conjuring me on her knees not to come with her, +as Juan thought it unsafe for me to walk in the +street unprotected; and promising to come back +directly if any thing alarming had happened. I +therefore allowed her to depart without me; but +though her not returning was a proof that all was +right, according to our agreement, I was half distracted +when hour succeeded to hour and she did +not return; till, at last, unable to bear my suspense +any longer, I set off for Paris, and reached the +Place de la Revolution (as it was then called) just +as an immense crowd was thronging from all parts +and around me, to a spot already filled with an +incalculable number of persons. In one instant +I recollected that what I beheld in the midst must +be the guillotine, and I tried to turn back, but it +was impossible. I was hurried forward with the +exulting multitude; and just as the horrible snap +of the murderous engine met my now tingling ears, +I heard from the shouts of the mob, that the victim +was the Princess Elizabeth ! ! !—Self-preservation +instinctively prompted me to catch hold of +the person next me to save myself from falling, +which would have been instant death; and the aid +I sought was yielded to me: and while a noise of +thunder was in my ears, and my eyes were utterly +blinded with horror and agonizing emotion, a kind +but unknown voice said in French, "Poor child! +I see you are indeed a stranger here. We natives +are used to these sights now;" and he sighed, as +if use had not however entirely blunted his feelings.</p> + +<p>"But why did you come to see such a sight?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! I knew nothing of it, and was going +home."</p> + +<p>"Poor thing! Well; but shall I see you home—if +you can walk?"</p> + +<p>I now looked up, and saw that my kind friend +was only a lowly citizen, and wore a Jacobin cap; +and I was still shrinking from allowing of his +further attendance, though I trembled in every +limb, and felt sick unto death: when, as the crowd +dispersed, I saw Juan and Alice coming towards +me; in another moment I was in her arms, where +I nearly fainted away.</p> + +<p>"This is unfortunate," said the <i>citoyen</i>; "her +illness may be observed upon, as it was a Bourbon +who died, and she may be fancied no friend to the +republic. What is best to be done?"</p> + +<p>While he said this I recovered, and begged to +go home directly; but I could not walk without +the aid of my Jacobin friend; who insisted on +seeing me safe home, and we thought it the best +way to consent.</p> + +<p>On our way, the <i>citoyen</i> exclaimed, <i>"O mon +Dieu! le voilà lui-même!"</i> <a name="fn16r" id="fn16r"></a><a href="#fn16"><sup><span class="small">16</span></sup></a> and we saw the +dreaded Robespierre hastily approaching us. He +desired to know what was the matter with that +woman; and neither Juan nor Alice had recollection +enough to reply; but our friend did instantly, +taking off his cap as he spoke: "The poor woman, +<i>citoyen</i>, was nearly crushed in the crowd, and +but for me would have been trodden to death. +Only see how she trembles still! She has not been +able to speak a word yet."</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn16" id="fn16"></a><a href="#fn16r">16</a>: Oh! there he is himself!</p> + +<p>"Oh! that is the case, is it?" said he, surveying +me with a most scrutinizing glance. "It is well +for her I find her in such good company, Benoit."</p> + +<p>He then departed, and we recovered our recollection.</p> + +<p>He was no sooner gone, than, to my great surprise, +I saw Juan seize our companion's hand, +while he exclaimed, "You! are you Benoit?"</p> + +<p>"To be sure; what then?"</p> + +<p>"Why then, you God for ever bless that's all! +For many poor wretch bless you; and now, but +for you, what might have become of her?"</p> + +<p>"How!" cried Alice; "is this the kind jailor of +Luxembourg? Oh dear! how glad I am to see you?"</p> + +<p>It was indeed Benoit; who, at a period when +to be cruel seemed the only means to be safe, +lightened the fetters which he could not remove, +and soothed to the best of his power the horrors +of a prison and of death.</p> + +<p>A feeling which he could not help, but certainly +not one of joyful anticipation, led him to witness +the death of the royal victim; and my evident +horror instantly interested and attached him to my +side. This good man attended us home, and we +had great pleasure in setting before him our little +stores: but he could not eat then, he said; and +as he spoke, he sighed deeply. However, he assured +us he would come and eat with us some other +day: then desiring us to take heed and not go to +see sights again, he ran off, saying he had been +absent too long.</p> + +<p>What a mercy it was that Benoit was with us +when we met the tyrant! We also rejoiced that he +did not see or did not recognise Juan and Alice: +but after this unfortunate rencontre we did not +feel ourselves as safe as we did before, and dreaded +every day to see him enter the shop.</p> + +<p>I now desired to know the reason of Juan's not +coming to us, and I found that his too great care +had exposed me to even a far worse agony than +that from which he wished to preserve me. The +truth was, he heard that poor Madame Elizabeth +was to be executed the next day: fearing, therefore, +that he should be betrayed into saying so, +and wishing me not to know of it till all was over, +as he knew how interested I was in her fate, he +resolved to stay away, not supposing we should +be alarmed; and he and Alice could not return to +me sooner, as the way led over the very spot which +they wished to avoid. Besides, Alice had told me +her not returning was a good sign. Well! this +agony was past; but I had seen and met the suspicious +eye of the tyrant, and it haunted me wherever +I went. For my own life, indeed, I had no +fear; and imprisonment, I thought, was all I had +to dread, though poor Juan insisted on it that +the wretch saw, spite of my dowdy appearance, +that I was a handsome woman; and he thanked +Heaven at the close of every day, that no Robespierre +had visited us. Another evening Juan +returned in much agitation from his walk, but I +<ins title="passage out of sequence in original; see TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE below">saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he</ins> +experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry +I found that he had, as he said, met that good +young man, Count De Walden.</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" exclaimed I; "and did he see you? +and does he know I am in Paris?"</p> + +<p>"No, he did not see me; and without your +leave, I dared not tell you were here: so I thought +it best not to speak to him."</p> + +<p>I felt excessively disappointed; but after some +moments of reflection I recollected that it would +be cruel and selfish to force myself, in a situation +so interesting and so anxious, on one who on principle +had so recently left the place in which I was; +and I told Juan he had done quite right.</p> + +<p>"However," said I, "it is a comfort to me to +know that I have a protector near."</p> + +<p>"Aye; but not for long!"</p> + +<p>"No! But what could bring a man like him to +this den of wickedness and horrors? Some good +purpose no doubt."</p> + +<p>"I suspect so; for I saw him in close conversation +with Barrère and others, and I overheard +him say, 'But can you give me no hope? I want +excessively to return home: still, while there is +a chance of Colonel Newton's being saved, I will +stay.' Barrère, I believe, said all hope was over; +for the Count cast up his eyes mournfully to heaven, +and retired."</p> + +<p>Till I heard this, I was inclined to suspect that +my uncle had written to say I was here, and that +he came on my account.</p> + +<p>I shall now relate the motive of his journey: +the object of it was connected with the fate of my +husband.</p> + +<p>A man of the name of Beauvais was executed +with Danton and other supposed conspirators in +the preceding April. This man was the father of +Annette Beauvais; and she would have been denounced +and executed with her father, had not +one of Robespierre's tools become exceedingly +enamoured of her, and for his sake she was spared. +But Colonel Newton having been known to be +rather intimate with Beauvais, and having also +dared, like a free-born Englishman and a man of +independent feelings, to reproach the tyrant with +his cruelty, he was accused, imprisoned, and condemned +to death. It was on his account that De +Walden came to Paris. By some means or other +Newton informed him of his situation; and as +he had known him in Switzerland, and greatly +esteemed him, he hastened to try whether by solicitation, +interest, or money, he could procure his +acquittal or escape: but he tried in vain. As vain +also were the efforts made,—to do her justice,—by +Madame Beauvais herself. The wretch to whom +she applied was made jealous of Newton by her +earnest entreaties for his life; and his doom was +consequently rendered only more certain. He also +tauntingly bade her take care of her own life and +that of her American Englishman, assuring her +she would not find it an easy matter to do that +long. Nor did he threaten in vain; for, though +she admitted his addresses and received his splendid +presents, she still persisted in living with the infatuated +Pendarves, who believed her constancy +equal to her pretended love. The consequence +was, that an accusation was brought against my +husband for getting to Paris on false pretences, +and as being a dangerous person: for, though he +was born in America, his father was a loyalist, +not a republican, and had fought, they found, +against the republican arms; and his mother was +that offensive thing a woman of quality and a +nobleman's daughter. There were other charges +equally strong; and even in the presence of his +vile companion, Pendarves was arrested, and condemned +for the present to be confined <i>au secret</i> +in the Luxembourg.</p> + +<p>He bore his fate with calmness; for he expected +that she who had caused his imprisonment would +be eager to share and to enliven it: but that was +beyond the heroism of a mistress. She was not +willing to prefer to fine apartments and liberty, +love and a prison with him; but while he, agonized +at her desertion,—for she bade him a cold and +final farewell,—was borne away into confinement, +she was led away smiling and in triumph by her +now avowed protector.</p> + +<p>All these circumstances I did not know at first—I +only knew the result; which was imparted to +me by the trembling Juan, who had seen Pendarves +led away, had seen her farewell, and had vainly +tried to make himself observed by him, that he +might know he had a friend at hand.</p> + +<p>"A friend!" cried I with a flushed cheek, but +with a trembling frame: "he shall know that he +has the best of friends, a wife, near him!" and +instantly, taking no precaution to conceal my +person in any way, for I thought not of myself, I +hastened rapidly along, Juan with difficulty keeping +pace with me, till I reached the Luxembourg.</p> + +<p>"Whom do you want?" said a churlish man +on duty.</p> + +<p>"Seymour Pendarves."</p> + +<p>"You can't see him: he is <i>au secret</i>."</p> + +<p>"Oh! but I must! Do let me speak to the +<i>Citoyen</i> Benoit, and ask him to let me enter."</p> + +<p>"You are very earnest; and perhaps he will +let you.</p> + +<p>"Who shall I say wants to be admitted to this +Pendarves?"</p> + +<p>"His wife."</p> + +<p>"His wife! Well," added he respectfully, +"wives should not be kept from their husbands +when they seek them in their distress."</p> + +<p>He then went in search of Benoit, who appeared +with his keys of office.</p> + +<p>"<i>Citoyen</i>," said he, "here is a wife wants to +see her husband."</p> + +<p>"I fear she is an aristocrat, then," replied +Benoit, smiling and approaching us.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" cried he, "is it you? What is become +of your spectacles? And do you want to see your +husband, poor thing? Who is he?"</p> + +<p>I told him. He shook his head, saying to himself—"Who +could have supposed he had a wife, +and such a one too!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Citoyenne</i>," said he, "you cannot see your +husband to-night, nor shall he know you are here; +but to-morrow, at nine in the morning, I will +admit you. Yes, and for your sake I will show +him all the indulgence I can. So it was for this, +was it, you came to Paris? I thought there was a +mystery. Good girl! good girl!"</p> + +<p>So saying, he walked hastily away, and we +returned to our home, at once disappointed and +cheered.</p> + +<p>Oh! how I longed for the light of morning! +Oh! how I longed to exhibit the superiority of the +wife over the mistress! With what pleasure I anticipated +the joy, mixed with shame and sorrow, no +doubt, but still triumphant over every other feeling +with which Pendarves would behold and receive +me! How he would value this proof of tenderness +and duty! while I should fondly assure him that +all was forgotten and all forgiven!—So did I paint +the scene to which I was hastening. Such were +the hopes which flushed my cheek and irradiated +my countenance.</p> + +<p>At length the appointed hour drew near; and +I had just reached the gates of the Luxembourg, +had just desired to be shown to Benoit, when I +looked up and beheld De Walden!</p> + +<p>"You here!" cried he, turning pale as death. +"O Helen! dear rash friend! why are you in Paris? +Speak."</p> + +<p>Here he paused, trembling with emotion. I +was little less affected; but, making a great effort, +I faltered out, "My husband is prisoner here, +and I am going to him."</p> + +<p>De Walden clasped his hands together and was +silent; but his look declared the agony of his +mind.</p> + +<p>Benoit now came to conduct me in; and De +Walden, taking Juan's arm, led him apart.</p> + +<p>"Have you told him I am here?" said I, turning +very faint, alarmed now the moment was come +which I had so delightedly anticipated.</p> + +<p>"No: I have told him nothing."</p> + +<p>He now put the key into a door at the bottom +of a long, narrow, dark passage, and it turned +on its heavy and grating hinges.</p> + +<p>"Some one desires to see you," said Benoit +gruffly, to hide his kind emotion; and I stood +before my long estranged husband. But where +was the look of gladness? where the tone of +welcome, though it might be mingled with that of +less pleasant sensations? He started, turned pale, +pressed forward to meet me; but then exclaiming +in a faltering voice, "Is it you, Helen? Rash girl! +why do I see you here?" he sunk upon his miserable +bed, and hid his face from me. I stood, pale, +motionless, and silent as a statue. Was this the +scene which I had painted to myself? True, I +should have been shocked, if he had approached +me with extended arms, and as if he felt that I +had nothing to forget: yet I did expect that his +eye would lighten up with joyful surprise, and his +quivering lip betray the tenderness which he would +but dared not express. However, for the first +time in my life, indignation and a sense of injury +were stronger than my fond woman's feeling; and +I seated myself in silence on the only chair in the +room, with my proud heart swelling as if it would +burst its bounds and give me ease for ever.</p> + +<p>"Helen!" said he at length in a subdued and +dejected tone, "your presence here distracts me. +This scene, this city, are no places for you; and +oh! how unworthy am I of this exertion of love! +What! must a wretch like me expose to danger +such an exalted creature as this is?"</p> + +<p>These flattering words, though uttered from the +head more than from the heart, were a sort of +balm to my wounded feelings; but I coldly replied, +"That in coming to Paris, in order to be on +the spot if any danger happened to him, I had +only done what I considered as the duty of a wife; +and that now my earnest wish was to be allowed +to spend part, if not the whole of every day with +him in prison, as his friend and soother."</p> + +<p>"Impossible! impossible!" he exclaimed, becoming +much agitated.</p> + +<p>"Why so? Benoit is disposed to be my friend."</p> + +<p>"No matter; but tell me who is with you in +this nest of villains?"</p> + +<p>I told him, and he thanked God audibly. I +then entreated to know something concerning his +arrest, its cause, and what the consequences were +likely to be.</p> + +<p>"Spare me!" cried he, "spare me! It is most +painful to a man to blush with shame in the +presence of his wife. Helen! kind, good Helen! +I know you meant to sooth and serve me; but you +have humbled me to the dust, and my spirit sinks +before you! Go and leave me to perish. In my +very best days I was wholly unworthy of you; +but now—"</p> + +<p>He was right; and my parading kindness, +my intruding virtue were offensive. I had humbled +him: I had obliged him too much: I had +towered over him in the superiority of my character; +and instead of attaching, I had alienated +him. This was human nature—I saw it, I owned +it now, but I was not prepared for it, and it overwhelmed +me with despair. Still, it softened my +heart in his favour; for, if I had to forgive his +errors, he had to forgive my officious exhibition +of romantic duty. I now at his request told him +all my plans, and every thing that had passed +since I came, not omitting to tell him that I had +seen De Walden. Nor was I sorry to remark, +that at his name he started and changed colour.</p> + +<p>"He here! Then you are sure of a protector," +said he, "and I feel easier. But, Helen! you +are too young, too lovely to expose yourself to the +gaze of the men in power. I protest that you +are at this moment as beautiful as ever, Helen!"</p> + +<p>"It is from the temporary embellishment of +strong emotion only," replied I, pleased by this +compliment from him. I then turned the discourse +to the opportunity our shop gave us of hearing +conversations; and I also promised to bring him +some of our commodities. He tried to smile, but +could not, and I saw that my presence evidently +distressed instead of soothing him. Benoit now +came to say I must stay no longer, and disappeared +again; while, a prey to most miserable feelings, +I rose to depart.</p> + +<p>"I shall come again to-morrow," said I; "shall +I not?"</p> + +<p>"If you insist upon it, you shall; but, you +had better leave me, Helen, to perish, and forget +me!"</p> + +<p>"Forget you! Cruel Seymour!" cried I, bursting +into an agony of tears.</p> + +<p>He now approached me, and, sinking on one +knee, took my hand and kissed it: then held it +to his heart. A number of feelings now contended +in my bosom, but affection was predominant; +and as he knelt before me I threw my arms round +his neck, mingling my tears with his, <i>"Mais +vite donc, citoyenne—dépêches tu!"</i> <a name="fn17r" id="fn17r"></a><a href="#fn17"><sup><span class="small">17</span></sup></a> said Benoit, +just unclosing the door, and speaking outside +it. Pendarves rose, and led me to him; and +scarcely knowing whether pain or satisfaction predominated, +I reached the gate, Benoit kindly +assuring me I might command his services to the +utmost.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn17" id="fn17"></a><a href="#fn17r">17</a>: Quick, make haste, female citizen!</p> + +<p>I found De Walden still talking with Juan. +They both seemed to regard me with very scrutinizing +as well as sympathizing looks; and I still +trembled so much that I was glad to accept the +support of De Walden's arm. He attended me +home; but we neither of us spoke during the +walk. When I reached the door, I said, "Come +to me to breakfast to-morrow; for to-day I am +wholly unfitted for company." He sighed, bowed, +and departed; but not without assuring me that +he would enquire concerning the causes of my +husband's arrest, and try to get him set at liberty.</p> + +<p>"Well," cried Juan, "I have one comfort +more than I had; Count De Walden has declared +that while you remain in Paris he will." And I +also felt comforted by this assurance.</p> + +<p>I now retired to my own room, and, throwing +myself on the bed, entered upon that severe task +self-examination; and I learnt to doubt whether +my expedition to France were as truly and singly +the result of pure and genuine tenderness, and a +sense of duty, as I had supposed it was. For +what had I done? I had certainly shone in the +eyes of many at the expense of my husband. I +had, as he said, "humbled him in his own eyes," +and I had chosen to run risks for his sake, which +he could not approve, and after all might not be +the better for. In such reflections as these I +passed that long and miserable day; aye, and in +some worse still; for I felt that Pendarves no +longer loved me—that he esteemed, he respected, +he admired me; but that his tenderness was gone, +and gone too, probably, for ever!</p> + +<p>I had however one pleasant idea to dwell upon. +Deputies, if not an ambassador, were now expected +from America, and De Walden had told Juan he +should claim their protection for us.</p> + +<p>The next morning De Walden came; but his brow +was clouded, his manner embarrassed, and the +tone of his voice mournful.</p> + +<p>"Have you made the inquiries which you promised?"</p> + +<p>"I have; and they have not been answered +satisfactorily. My dear friend, there are subjects +which nothing but the emergencies of the case +could justify me to discuss with you. Will you +therefore pardon me if I say—"</p> + +<p>"Say any thing: at a moment like this it is +my duty not to shrink from the truth. I guess +what you mean."</p> + +<p>He then told me the cause of my husband's +arrest, which I have already mentioned; adding +that the ostensible causes were so trifling, that they +could probably be easily gotten over; but that the +true cause, jealousy, was, he feared, not likely to +be removed.</p> + +<p>"But she left him," cried I, "left him as if for +ever, and accompanied her new lover in triumph!"</p> + +<p>"Yes: but I fear that he will not get quit of +her so soon."</p> + +<p>My only answer to this unwelcome truth was a +deep sigh; and for some minutes I was unable to +speak, while De Walden anxiously walked up and +down the room.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you would go and see Pendarves?"</p> + +<p>"No: excuse me: an interview between me +and him must be painful, and could not be beneficial. +The letter I had from him to inform me +of a certain mournful event was cold; and though +I answered it kindly,—for I thought of you when +I wrote,—I was convinced that the less we met +again the better."</p> + +<p>"Then what can you do?"</p> + +<p>"I know not—I could not save my friend, you +know."</p> + +<p>"If money can do it, I possess the means."</p> + +<p>"And so do I; but Robespierre is inaccessible +to bribes, and so I have found his creatures. I +fear that I must seek Madame Beauvais herself."</p> + +<p>"But she probably hates you?"</p> + +<p>"True: but she does not hate Pendarves; and +if I convince her that her only chance of liberating +him is by seeming to have ceased to love him, the +business may be done."</p> + +<p>"And must he owe his liberty, and perhaps +his life, to her? But be it so, if he can be preserved +no other way—in that case I would even +be a suitor to her myself."</p> + +<p>"That I could not bear. But oh! dear inconsiderate +friend, why did you come hither?"</p> + +<p>"Because I thought it my duty."</p> + +<p>"And do you still think so?"</p> + +<p>I was silent.</p> + +<p>"Answer me: candid and generous Helen: do +you not now see that it was more your duty to +stay in your own safe country, protected by respectable +friends, than to come hither courting +danger, and the worst of dangers to a virtuous +wife? Believe me, the passive virtue of painful +but quiet endurance of injury was the virtue for +you to practise. This quixotic daring looked like +duty; but was not duty, Helen, and could only +end in disappointment: for tell me, have you not +found that you have thus suffered and thus dared +for an ingrate?"</p> + +<p>My silence answered the question.</p> + +<p>"Enough!" resumed De Walden; "and I feel +that I have been cruel; but mine has been the +reproof of friendship, wrung from me by the +indignant agony of knowing that even I cannot +perhaps protect you from the insults which I dread. +Oh! why did they let you come hither? I am sure +your mind was not itself when you thought of it."</p> + +<p>"You are right. The idea had taken hold of +my imagination then unnaturally raised, and come +I would. But my physician approved my coming; +for he thought it safer for me, and thought, if +I was not indulged, that my reason, if not my +life, might suffer."</p> + +<p>This statement completely overset De Walden's +self-command; he blamed himself for what he had +said—accused himself of cruelty—extolled the +patient sweetness with which I had heard him, and +had condescended to justify myself. Then, striking +his forehead, he exclaimed, "And I, alas! am +powerless to save a being like this! But save her, +<span class="smallcaps">Thou</span>," he added, lifting his clasped hands to +heaven.</p> + +<p>The hour of my appointment at the prison now +arrived again, and De Walden accompanied me +thither. I did not see Benoit; but I was admitted +directly, and my conductor, opening the door, +said, "A female citizen desires to see you."</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" said Pendarves in a tone of joy; +but he started, and looked disappointed, when he +saw me.</p> + +<p>"Is it you, Helen?" said he.</p> + +<p>"Did you expect it was any one else?"</p> + +<p>"Not much," he replied, evidently disconcerted; +"not much. It is only a primitive old-fashioned +wife like yourself who would follow an unworthy +husband to a prison."</p> + +<p>"And to a scaffold, if necessary," cried I with +energy.</p> + +<p>"Helen!" said Pendarves in a deep but caustic +tone, "spare me! spare me! This excess of goodness—"</p> + +<p>I smiled; but I believe my smile was as bitter +as his accents.</p> + +<p>What meetings were these between persons circumstanced +as we once were and were now! But +it could not be otherwise, and all I now suffered +I had brought upon myself. In order to change +the tone of our feelings, I told him De Walden +had breakfasted with me, and then asked him if +he would not like to see Juan.</p> + +<p>He said "Yes," but carelessly, and then added, +"So De Walden has been with you?" and fell +into a mournful reverie till our uncomfortable +interview was over.</p> + +<p>I promised to send him by Juan all he wanted +and desired, of linen, clothes, and food; for +Benoit had assured me he would allow him to +receive any thing for the sake of his good wife. +He thanked me, shook my hand kindly, and saw +me depart, as I thought with pleasure.</p> + +<p>I found De Walden waiting for me with Juan. +The latter by my desire asked for Benoit, and +begged to know of him at what hour that day or +evening he might be admitted to his master. Accordingly +he went, carrying with him the articles +I mentioned. He was gone some time; and +anxious indeed was I for his return.</p> + +<p>"I have seen her," said he.</p> + +<p>"Seen whom?"</p> + +<p>"That vile woman."</p> + +<p>"Was she with him?" cried I, turning very +faint.</p> + +<p>"No, no: let the good Benoit alone for that. +She desired to see the Citoyen Pendarves, her +husband;" on which Benoit scornfully answered, +"One wife is enough for any man: I allow him +to see one of his every day, but no more; so go +away, and do not return again."</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed the creature, in great agitation, +"is she, is Helen Pendarves in Paris?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; <i>she</i>, the <i>true</i> she,—the good wife is +here; and <i>she</i> alone will Benoit admit to his prisoner. +<i>Va-t en, te dis-je!</i>"</p> + +<p>"And the creature went away," added Juan; +"for I saw and heard it all, giving him such a look!"</p> + +<p>I could not help being pleased with this account; +but I sent him immediately to tell De +Walden what had passed, that he might lose no +time in seeking La Beauvais, to prevent her going +to the prison, and thereby increasing the danger +of Pendarves.—When Juan returned, I asked for +a minute detail of all that passed between my +husband and him.</p> + +<p>"Oh! he is very wretched!" he replied: "but +he told me nothing concerning himself; he only +walked up and down the narrow room, asking me +nothing but about you, and why they let you come, +and if De Walden came on purpose to guard you. +In short, we talked of nothing else; and then +he did so wish you safe back in your own country!"</p> + +<p>This account gave me sincere pleasure, and +made me believe that Seymour's heart was not so +much alienated from me as I expected; and a +weight seemed suddenly taken from my mind. +The next day I went again at noon, and I found +La Beauvais in high dispute with Benoit. As soon +as he saw me, he saw that I recognised her, and +that my countenance bore the hue of death, he +caught my hand, saying, <i>"Vite! vite! entre donc:</i> +<span class="smallcaps">belle</span> <i>et</i> <span class="smallcaps">bonne</span>! <i>et toi, va-t en tout de suite!" </i><a name="fn18r" id="fn18r"></a><a href="#fn18"><sup><span class="small">18</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn18" id="fn18"></a><a href="#fn18r">18</a>: Quick! quick! enter: fair and good! but you, go away +directly!"</p> + +<p>La Beauvais, provoked and disappointed, seized +my arm. "Madame Pendarves," she cried, "the +same interest brings us hither: use your influence +over this barbarian to procure me admittance."</p> + +<p>"The same interest!" I replied, turning round, +throwing her hand from my arm, and looking at +her with all the scorn and abhorrence which I felt: +<i>"Madame, je ne vous connois pas."</i> <a name="fn19r" id="fn19r"></a><a href="#fn19"><sup><span class="small">19</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn19" id="fn19"></a><a href="#fn19r">19</a>: Madam! I do not know you.</p> + +<p>"It is well," she said. "Depend on it, I +shall refresh your memory; and soon too. I will +be revenged, though my own heart bleeds for it."</p> + +<p>She then hastened away; and I, feeling the +rash folly I had committed, and fearing I had +irreparably injured my husband's cause, was forced +to let the kind jailor conduct me to his own apartment, +in order that I might recover myself before +I went to Pendarves. I found him more cheerful, +and also more affectionate in his manner towards +me. He had been reading a letter, which he +hastily put into his pocket; yet not so soon but +that my quick eye discovered in the address the +hand of La Beauvais. It was this renewal of intercourse, +then, that had made him cheerful! But +why then was he more affectionate to me? I have +since resolved that question to my satisfaction.</p> + +<p>No one likes to give up any power once possessed. +Pendarves had flattered himself La Beauvais fondly +loved him; and his bitter grief at her apparent +desertion of him, arose from wounded pride, and +the fear of having lost his power over her, more +than from pining affection. But she had written +to him; she was trying to gain admittance to his +prison:—his wounded vanity therefore was at rest +on one point, and the sight of me was grateful +because it ministered to it in another.</p> + +<p>But I did not, could not reason then: I only +felt; and what with jealousy, and what with my +fears for his life, now, I thought, endangered by +me, I was ill and evidently wretched the whole +time I staid. But Seymour's manner to me was +most soothing, and even tender. At that moment +I could better have borne indifference from him; +for I was conscious that I had weakly given way +to the feelings of an injured jealous woman, and +had thereby probably given the seal to his fate!</p> + +<p>Glad was I when the jailor summoned me; for +I was anxious to tell De Walden the folly which I +had committed; and I saw that Seymour was hurt +at the cold and hurried manner in which I bade +him farewell.</p> + +<p>When I saw De Walden, he told me that he +had called in vain on La Beauvais hitherto; but +would try again and again. On hearing what had +passed between us he became alarmed, but declared +that he could not have forgiven me if I had spoken +or acted otherwise. That day some of the tyrant's +creatures were in our shop, and one of them desired +to see the other shop-woman, declaring Alice +was not pretty enough to wait on them; and that +they were resolved the next time they came to see +<i>la belle Angloise</i>.—But every other fear was soon +swallowed up in one.</p> + +<p>Juan overheard that night in the Thuilleries +gardens, that the Englishman Pendarves would +be brought before the tribunal the day after the +next, and there was no doubt of his being executed +with several others directly ! ! !</p> + +<p>The moment, the dreaded moment was now +indeed at hand, and how was it to be averted? +De Walden heard this intelligence also, and came +to me immediately. But all hope seemed vain, +because he was to be condemned to satisfy private +wishes, and not because any public wrong could +be proved against him; and he left me in utter +despair. But he also left me to reflect; and the +result was a determination to act resolutely and +immediately, and to risk the event. Suffice, that +I called my faithful servants into my room, reminded +them of that fidelity and obedience to me +which they had vowed to my poor mother on her +death-bed, and told them the hour for them to +prove their attachment and fulfil their vow was +now arrived. This solemn adjuration was answered +by as solemn assurances to obey me in whatever +I required of them. I first required that they +should keep all I was now going to say, and all +they or I were going to do, profoundly secret +from De Walden. I saw Juan recoil at this; but +I was firm, and he swore himself to secrecy. I +then unfolded to them my scheme, and had to +encounter tears, entreaties urged on bended knee, +that I would give up my rash design, and consider +myself. But they might as well have talked to +the winds. "I feel," said I, "by the suddenness +of this proceeding, that my treatment of La Beauvais +has done this, and it is my duty, at all risks +to myself, to save my husband from the death to +which I have hurried him." The faithful creatures +were silenced, but not convinced. Still, finding +they could not prevent my purpose, and that I declared +I would cry "<i>Vive le Roi</i>," that I might +die with my husband, they prepared in mournful +obedience to consult with me on the best means +of accomplishing my wishes.</p> + +<p>My plan was this: I resolved to ask permission +to take a last farewell of Pendarves at night, after +I had seen him in the morning, and then change +clothes with him, and remain in his stead.</p> + +<p>"And as Benoit was ill in bed this evening, +when you went," said I, "there is no likelihood +that he will be well to-morrow; so my plan cannot +injure him. Therefore, let us be prepared to +execute what I have designed, directly."</p> + +<p>"Well! my comfort is," said Juan, "that my +master will not consent to risk your life to save his."</p> + +<p>"Not willingly; but I shall force him to do it."</p> + +<p>"Well! we shall see."</p> + +<p>You may remember how I used to regret my +great height, because Pendarves did not admire +tall women; but now how I valued it, as it made +it more easy for Pendarves to pass for me, and +therefore might aid my efforts to save his life!</p> + +<p>We agreed that Alice and Juan should be in +waiting with a covered peasant's cart, at the end +of the Luxembourg gardens; that then he should +drive him and her to our lodging in the Champs +Elisées, which we had again hired, where he was +to pass for me, and still hide his face as if in +great affliction. The house was kept by a deaf, +stupid old woman, who was not likely to suspect +any thing. And at day-break, Pendarves in a +peasant's dress, with Alice by his side, dressed +like a peasant also, with her hood over her face, +was to drive on day and night when he had passed +the barrier, which we hoped it would be easy to +do, till some place of safe retreat offered itself on +the road. And I knew that on this road was the +<i>chateau</i> of a gentleman whom we had known and +had done kindnesses for in England, who had +contrived like some others to take no part in politics, +and had retained his house and his land.</p> + +<p>All was procured and ready as I desired; and, +having written down my scheme for my husband, +conjuring him to grant my request, I went to the +prison in the morning with a beating heart, lest +Benoit should be well enough to be at his post. +But he was not only unwell; he was dismissed +from his office. The <i>bon Benoit</i>, as he was called, +was too good for his situation. <a name="fn20r" id="fn20r"></a><a href="#fn20"><sup><span class="small">20</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn20" id="fn20"></a><a href="#fn20r">20</a>: An historical fact.</p> + +<p>Seymour beheld with wonder, and no small +alarm, my cheek, now flushed, now pale, my +tremulous voice, and my abstracted manner; and +I once more saw in him that affectionate interest +and anxiety so dear to my heart.</p> + +<p>"You are ill, my beloved," said he at length.</p> + +<p>"Beloved!" How the word thrilled through my +heart! I never expected to hear it again from his +lips; and the sound overcame me. "I shall be +better soon," cried I, bursting into tears.</p> + +<p>The surly jailor (Oh! how unlike Benoit!) who +had taken his place, now summoned me away, +and I slided my letter into my husband's hands. +"Read it," said I, "and know that your doom +is fixed for to-morrow; therefore I conjure you +by our past loves to grant the request which this +letter contains; and if you think I have deserved +kindness from you, comply with my wishes."</p> + +<p>Seymour, who had heard nothing of his approaching +fate, took the letter, and listened to me +with a bewildered air; and I hastened from the +prison. I had easily obtained permission to return +to the prison at night.</p> + +<p>"It will be the last time. You will never come +again," said the brutal gaoler: "your husband +will never come back when he goes to the tribunal +to-morrow, so come and welcome!"</p> + +<p>I spent the intervening time in writing a letter +to De Walden, inclosing one for my uncle, which +I begged him to forward; and I arranged every +thing as if death awaited me. Nay, how could I +be assured that it did not? but I kept all my fears +to myself and talked of hope alone to my poor +servants, who wandered about, the pictures of +grief.</p> + +<p>When De Walden called that day I would not +see him, but lay down on purpose to avoid him; +for I dreaded to meet his penetrating glance.</p> + +<p>As it was now the middle of July, days were +shortening, and by eight o'clock twilight was +gathering fast. My appointment was for half-past +seven; and by a bribe I obtained leave from Benoit's +unworthy successor to stay till half-past eight.</p> + +<p>Then, summoning all my fortitude, I entered +the cell of my husband. I shall pass over the +first moments of our meeting; but I shall never +forget them, and I am soothed and comforted +when I recollect all that escaped from that affectionate +and generous, though misguided being. +Suffice, that all his arguments were vain to persuade +me that he was not worthy to be saved, at +even the smallest risk to a life so precious as mine.</p> + +<p>"My life precious!" cried I: "a being without +any near and dear ties! with neither parent, child, +nor husband, I may <i>now</i> say," cried I, thrown off +my guard by the consciousness of a desolate heart.</p> + +<p>"I have deserved this reproach," said Seymour; +"you have indeed no husband, therefore why +should not I die? as, were I gone, Helen, I feel, +I know, that you would be no longer desolate!"</p> + +<p>I understood his meaning, but did not notice it. +Bitter was now the anguish which I felt; nay, so +violent was my distress, and so earnest my entreaties +that he would escape, as the idea that he +refused me in consequence of what I had just said, +would, if he perished, drive me, I was convinced, +to complete distraction, that he at last consented +to my request.</p> + +<p>"But, take notice," said he, "that I do it +with this assurance, that, if my escape puts you +in peril, I will return and suffer for or with you; +and then you shall again find that you have a husband, +Helen, and our union shall be renewed in +death, and cemented in our blood.—I say no more. +You command, and it is my duty to obey."</p> + +<p>He then took off his <i>robe de chambre</i> which he +wore in prison; and I dressed him in the loose +gown I had made up for the occasion, and long +enough to hide his feet; and even when he had +my bonnet on, I had the satisfaction of seeing +that he did not look much taller than I did. I +now wrapt his robe tight round me, put all my +hair under his night-cap and with my handkerchief +at my eyes awaited the gaoler's summons; while +Pendarves dropped the veil, and covered his face +with his handkerchief as if in grief. But the +anxious heavings of my bosom and the mournful +ones of his were only too real. Every thing +favoured us; the wind was high, and, by blowing +the door to, blew out the lamp which the gaoler +held: therefore the only light was from a dim +lamp in the passage. At the door stood the trembling +Juan.</p> + +<p>"There, take care of her; for she totters as if +she was drunk," said the gaoler; "I warrant you +she will never come again."</p> + +<p>In five minutes more Seymour was in the cart, +and very shortly after he reached our cottage in +safety, and was, as me, lying in my bed in the +Champs Elisées. I, meanwhile, went to bed, and +made no answer, but by groans to the "Good +night" and brutal consolations of the gaoler, when +he came to lock me up, without the smallest +suspicion who I was. But when I heard myself +actually locked up for the night, I threw myself +on my knees in a transport of devout gratitude.</p> + +<p>The next morning I rose after short and troubled +rest, seating myself with my back to the door, +that I might remain undiscovered as long as I could, +in order to give my husband more time to get +away. But I could no longer retard the awful +moment; for my gaoler came to summon me before +the tribunal.</p> + +<p>"I am quite ready!" said I, turning slowly +round. I leave you to imagine his surprise, his +indignation, his execrations, and his abuse. I +forgave him, for the poor wretch feared for his +place, if not for his life.</p> + +<p>"Yes: you shall go before the tribunal," said +he, seizing me with savage fury. "But no, I +must first send after your rascally husband."</p> + +<p>He then locked me in; and I saw no more of +him for two hours, when I heard a great noise in +the passage, down which my cell when open looked, +and presently the door was unlocked by the gaoler +himself, who exclaimed with a malignant smile, +"Your husband is taken, and brought back! Look +out, and you will see him!"</p> + +<p>I <i>did</i> look out, I did see him, unseen by him +at first, and I saw him walking up the passage +with La Beauvais weeping on his arm, and one of +hers thrown across his shoulder.</p> + +<p>An involuntary exclamation escaped me; and I +retreated back into the cell. I have since heard +that Henroit and his guards, De Walden and Juan, +were in the passage; but I only saw my husband +and La Beauvais; and leaning against the wall I +hid my face in my hands, oppressed with a thousand +contending and bewildering sensations.</p> + +<p>"There!" said the vindictive gaoler, ushering +in Pendarves, as if he felt how painful a <i>tête-à-tête</i> +between us now would be; "there, citizen! +I shall shut you up with your wife, till I know +what is to be done with her. But perhaps you +would like the other <i>citoyenne</i> better?"</p> + +<p>"Peace!" cried Pendarves, "and leave us +alone!"</p> + +<p>"Helen!" said my husband.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Pendarves!"</p> + +<p>"I see how it is, Helen; nor can I blame you: +appearances were against me. But I must and +will assure you, that that person's appearing at +such a time, and her behaviour, were as unexpected +as they were unwelcome."</p> + +<p>Still I spoke not: no, not even to inquire +why I had the misery of seeing him return; and +ere I had broken this painful but only too natural +silence, and had only just resumed my woman's +gown, the door was again thrown open, and an +officer of the National Convention came to say, +that I was allowed to return home for the present, +till further proceedings were resolved upon.</p> + +<p>"Take notice, sir," said Pendarves, "that this +lady's only fault has been too great a regard for +an unworthy husband; and that what you may +deem a crime, the rest of Europe will call a +virtue."</p> + +<p>The officer smiled; and wishing my husband +good night, I followed where he led.</p> + +<p>At the gate I found De Walden, who accompanied +me home, having first been assured by the +officer that I should be under surveillance.</p> + +<p>"And is it thus, rash Helen, you use your best +friends, and risk an existence so valuable?" cried +De Walden.</p> + +<p>"Spare me, spare me your reproaches," said I: +"I am sufficiently humbled already."</p> + +<p>"Not <i>humbled</i>—those only are humbled who +could injure such a creature. Helen, I was in the +passage at the prison, and I saw all that passed.</p> + +<p>"Now then, while this recollection is fresh on +your mind, let me ask you if you think yourself +justified in staying here where you are now exposed +to insult and to danger, for the sake of one +who at a moment which would have bound another +man more tenderly than ever, could so meet and +so offend your eyes?" I was still silent.</p> + +<p>"Now then hear my proposal. I have the +greatest reason to believe that I can secure an +escape both for you, Alice, and myself, through +the <i>barriere</i> this very night on the road to Switzerland, +There, my dear friend, I offer you a +home and a parent! My mother will be your +mother, my uncle your uncle; and well do I know, +that could my revered Mrs. Pendarves look down +on what is passing here, she would be happier to +see you under the protection of my family than +under any other protection on earth!"</p> + +<p>"No, my dear friend, no; your just resentment +and your wishes deceive you. My mother valued +her child's fame and her child's virtues equal with +her safety."</p> + +<p>"Your fame could not suffer. I would not +live even near you, Helen. I am as jealous of +your fame as any mother could be: besides that +<i>principle</i> would make me shun you.—No, Helen; +I would see you safe in Switzerland, and then sail +for America."</p> + +<p>"Generous man! But you shall not quit your +country for my sake: besides, I will not quit my +husband in the hour of danger. No, whatever be +the fate of Pendarves, I stay to witness and perhaps +to share it. The die is cast: so say no more."</p> + +<p>By this time we had reached my home. Alice +came to meet me.</p> + +<p>"O my poor, dear master!" said she: "but +it was all his own seeking. We had passed the +barrier; but he would go back. He declared he +could not, would not escape till he knew you were +safe: when just as I was got into the house in the +Champs Elisées, and he was holding the reins in +his hands, the officers seized him; and he said, +'I am he whom you seek—I am quite willing to +accompany you.'"</p> + +<p>"This in some measure redeems his character +with me," cried De Walden; and <i>I</i> did not feel +it the less because I said nothing: but at length I +said, "Generous Seymour! He never told me +this. He did not make a merit of it with me."</p> + +<p>Juan now came in, lamenting with great grief +his poor master's return. "O that vile woman!" +cried he: "It was at her instigation that he was +to have been tried and condemned to-day; and +then she repented, and came to the prison to watch +for his being led out, when she saw him brought +back, and then she had the audacity to hang upon +him, weeping and making such a fuss! while he, +poor soul, tried to shake her off, assuring her he +forgave her, but never wished to see her more!"</p> + +<p>"Did he act and talk thus?" cried I.</p> + +<p>"He did indeed."</p> + +<p>"And he came back from anxiety for me! O +my dear friend, how glad am I that I refused your +proposal before I heard this!"—Sweet indeed was +it to my heart to have the conduct of Pendarves +thus cleared up.</p> + +<p>That evening we learnt that Pendarves was to +go before the tribunal the next day; and I was +preparing to try to gain admittance to him, and to +see him as he came out, when an order for my own +arrest came, and an officer and his assistants to +lead me to a prison. Juan instantly went in +search of De Walden; but I was led away before +his return.</p> + +<p>On the road we met the tyrant: <i>"Ah ha, ma +belle!"</i> cried he, "where are now your green +spectacles?"</p> + +<p>I haughtily demanded my liberty; but he said +I was a dangerous person—and to prison I was +borne. To such a prison too! My husband's cell +was a palace to mine; but I immediately concluded +that they wished to make my confinement so +horrible that I should be glad to leave it on any +conditions.</p> + +<p>Two days after, and while I had been, I found, +forbidden to see any one, I received a letter informing +me that my decree of arrest should +instantly be <i>cassé</i>, my husband set at liberty and +sent with a safe-conduct out of the frontiers, if I +would promise to smile on a man who adored me, +and who had power to do whatever he promised, +and would perform it before he claimed one approving +glance from my fine eyes.</p> + +<p>I have kept this letter as a specimen of Jacobin +love-making. It was not signed with any name, +except that of my <i>dévoué serviteur</i>; and I never +knew from whom it came.</p> + +<p>It told me an answer would be called for <i>in +person</i> the day after the next; and anxiously did +I await this interview—await it in horrors unspeakable. +There was, however, one comfort +which I derived from this letter: till it was answered, +I felt assured that my husband was safe. +Dreadful was the morrow: more dreadful still the +day after it; for hourly now did I expect the visit +of the wretch. But that day, and the next day +passed, and I saw no one but my taciturn and +brutal gaoler, and heard nothing but the closing +of the prison doors.</p> + +<p>The next day too I expected him still in vain; +but that night I marked an unusual emotion, and, +as I thought, a look of alarm in my gaoler; and +my wretched scanty meals were not given me till +a considerable time after the usual hour. That +night too I and the other prisoners, I found, were +locked up two hours before the customary time.</p> + +<p>All that night I heard noises in the street of +the most frightful description; and as my cell was +near the front gates of the prison, I could even +distinguish what the sounds were; and I heard +the horrible tocsin sound to arms: I heard the +report of fire-arms, I heard the shouts of the +people, I heard the cry of 'Liberty,' I heard +'Down with the tyrant!' and all these mingled +with execrations, shrieks, and, as I fancied, groans; +while I sunk upon my knees, and committed myself +in humble resignation to the awful fate which might +then be involving him I loved, and which might +soon reach me, and drag me from the dungeon to +the scaffold!</p> + +<p>At this moment of horrible suspense and alarm, +and soon after the day had risen on this theatre of +blood, my door was thrown open, not by my brutal +gaoler, but by De Walden and Juan! My gaoler, +one of the tools of despotism, had fled; the twenty-eighth +of July had freed the country from the +fetters of the tyrant; he was <i>then</i> at that moment +on his way to the guillotine with his colleagues; +and I, Pendarves, and hundreds else, were saved!</p> + +<p>Oh! what had not my poor servants and De +Walden endured during the four days of my imprisonment! +Painful as that was, they feared worse +evils might ensue; while Pendarves, confined with +the utmost strictness, was not allowed to see even +Juan!</p> + +<p>But where was Pendarves? and why did I not +see <i>him</i>, if he was indeed at liberty? De Walden +looked down and replied, "He is at liberty, I +know; but we have heard and seen nothing of him."</p> + +<p>By this time we had reached my home, where I +was received with tears of joy by my agitated attendants. +But, alas! my joy was changed into +mortification and bitterness: and when my happy +friends called on me to rejoice with them, I replied, +in the agony of my heart, "I <i>am</i> thankful, +but I shall never rejoice again!" and for some +minutes I laid my head on the table, and never +spoke but by the deepest sighs.</p> + +<p>"I understand you," replied De Walden; "and +if I can bring you any welcome intelligence, depend +on it that I will."</p> + +<p>He then hastily departed; and worn out with +anxiety, want of sleep, and sorrow, I retired to +my bed, and fortunately sunk into a deep and +quiet slumber.</p> + +<p>When I went down to breakfast the next day, +I found De Walden waiting for me. His cheek +was pale, and his look dejected; but he smiled +when I entered the room, and told me he brought +me tidings of my husband.</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" cried I with eagerness.</p> + +<p>"Yes; I have seen him. He is at a lodging +on the Italian Boulevards—and alone."</p> + +<p>"Alone! And—and does he not mean to see +me; to call and—"</p> + +<p>"How could he? Have you forgotten how you +last parted? You resenting deeply his then only +seeming delinquency; and he wounded by, yet +resigned to, your evident resentment."</p> + +<p>"True, true: yet still—"</p> + +<p>"No; I had a long conversation with Pendarves,—for +after his late behaviour, and being convinced +that he was alone, I had no objection to call on +him,—and he received me as I wished. He even +was as open on every subject as I could desire; +and I found him, though still persecuted by the +letters of La Beauvais, resolved never to renew any +correspondence with her."</p> + +<p>"If so, and if sure of himself, why not write +to me, if he does not like to visit me? I am sure +I have not proved myself unforgiving."</p> + +<p>"Shall I tell you why? A feeling that does him +honour; a consciousness that, fallen as he is from +the high estate he once held in your esteem and +that of others, he cannot presume to require of +you, though you are his wife, a re-instatement in +your love and your society; and he very properly +feels that the first advance should come from you: +for though, as I told him, the relaxed principles +of the world allow husbands a latitude which they +deny to wives; still, in the eyes of God, and in +those of nicely feeling men, the fault is in both +sexes equal; and an offender like Pendarves is no +longer entitled, as he was before, to the tenderness +of a virtuous wife. Nay, Pendarves, penitent and +self-judged, agrees with me in this opinion, and +is thereby raised in my estimation."</p> + +<p>"What! does Pendarves feel and think thus?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; therefore I will myself entreat for him +entire forgiveness; but not directly, and as if a +husband who has so grossly erred were as dear to +you as one without error."</p> + +<p>Here De Walden's voice failed him; but he soon +after added, in a low voice, "And I trust that to +have aided in bringing about your re-union will +support me under the feelings which the sight of +it may occasion me."</p> + +<p>"But does Pendarves think I shall be always +inexorable?"</p> + +<p>"He cannot think so; from your oft experienced +kindness."</p> + +<p>"Then why prolong his anxiety? Why not offer +to return with him to England directly?"</p> + +<p>"Because I think there would be an indelicacy +in offering so soon to re-unite yourself to him. I +would have you, though a wife, 'be wooed, and +not unsought be won;' but I should not dare to +give you this advice, were I not convinced that this +is the feeling of Pendarves. Besides, I also feel +that he would be less oppressed by your superior +virtue, if he found it leavened by a little female +pride and resentment."</p> + +<p>"Well, well, I will consider the matter," said I.</p> + +<p>The next day, and the day after, De Walden +called and saw Pendarves. "He is very unhappy," +said he; "though he might be the envy of all +the first men in Paris. The most beautiful woman +in it, who lives in the first style, is fallen in love +with him; but he refuses all invitations to her +house, does not answer her <i>billets-doux</i>, and rejects +all her advances."</p> + +<p>"He does not love her, I suppose?" I replied, +masking my satisfaction in a scornful smile.</p> + +<p>"No, Helen. He says, and I believe him, that +he never really loved any one but you; and for +La Beauvais, who persecutes him with visits as +well as letters, he has a kind of aversion. Believe +me, that at this moment he has all my pity, and +much of my esteem; and could I envy the man +who, having called you his, is conscious of the +guilt of having left you, I trust I should soon +have an opportunity of envying Pendarves."</p> + +<p>Oh! the waywardness of the human heart; or, +was it only the waywardness of mine? Now that I +found my husband was anxious to return to me, +I felt less anxious for the re-union; and having +gained my point, I began to consider with more +severity the faults which I was called upon to overlook; +and though I had reclaimed my wanderer, +I began to consider whether the reward was equal +to the pains bestowed. And also I felt a little +mortified to find De Walden so willing to effect +our union, and so active in his endeavours to further +it. These obliquities of feeling were, however, +only temporary; and I had actually written +to Pendarves, by the advice of De Walden, assuring +him, all was so much forgiven and forgotten, that +I was prepared to quit Paris with him, and go +with him the world over—when the most dreadful +intelligence reached me! even at this hour I +cannot recall that moment without agony. I must +lay down my pen—</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<p>Pendarves continued to resist the repeated importunities +of La Beauvais to visit her; but at +length she sent a friend to tell him she was dying, +and trusted he would not refuse to bid her farewell.—Pendarves +could not, dared not refuse to answer +this appeal to his feelings, and he repaired to her +hotel; in which, though he knew it not, she was +maintained by one of the new Members of the +Convention, whom she had inveigled to marry her +according to the laws of the republic. When he +arrived, he found her scarcely indisposed; and reproaching +her severely with her treachery, he told +her that all her artifices were vain; that his heart +had always been his wife's though circumstances +had enabled her to lure him from me; that now +I had shone upon him in the moments of danger +more brightly than ever; and that he conjured her +to forget a guilty man, who, though never likely +perhaps to be happy again with the woman he +adored, yet still preferred his present solitary but +guiltless situation to all the intoxicating hours +which he had passed with <i>her</i>.</p> + +<p>La Beauvais, who really loved him, was overcome +with this solemn renunciation, and fell back +in a sort of hysterical affection on the couch; and +while he held her hand, and was bathing her +temples with essences, her husband rushed in, +and exclaiming, "Villain, defend yourself!" he +gave a pistol into the hand of Pendarves; then +firing himself, the ball took effect; and while De +Walden was waiting his return at his lodgings to +give him my letter of recall and of forgiving love, +he was carried thither a bleeding and a dying man! +But he was conscious; and while Juan, who called +by accident, remained with him, De Walden came +to break the dread event to me, and bear me to +the couch of the sufferer.</p> + +<p>He was holding my letter to his heart.</p> + +<p>"It has healed every wound there," said he, +"except those by conscience made; and it shall +lie there till all is over."</p> + +<p>Silent, stunned, I threw myself beside him, +and joined my cold cheek to his.</p> + +<p>"O Helen! and is it thus we meet? Is <i>this</i> our +re-union?"</p> + +<p>"Live! do but live," cried I, in a burst of +salutary tears; "and you shall find how dearly I +love you still; and we shall be so happy!—happier +than ever!"</p> + +<p>He shook his head mournfully, and said he did +not deserve to live, and to be so happy; and he +humbly bowed to that chastising hand which, when +he had escaped punishment for real errors, made +him fall the victim of an imaginary one.</p> + +<p>The surgeons now came to examine the wound +a second time, and confirmed their previous sentence, +that the wound was mortal; on which he +desired to be left alone with me, and I was able +to suppress my feelings that I might sooth his +during this overwhelming interview.</p> + +<p>These moments are some of the dearest and most +sacred in the stores of memory—but I shall not +detail them; suffice that I was able, in default of +better aid, to cheer the death-bed of the beloved +sufferer, and breathe over him, from the lips of +agonizing tenderness, the faltering but fervent +prayer.</p> + +<p>That duty done, my fortitude was exhausted, +I saw before me, not the erring husband—the +being who had blighted my youth by anxiety, and +wounded all the dearest feelings of my soul; but +the playfellow of my childhood, the idolized +object of my youthful heart, and the husband of +my virgin affections! and I was going to lose him! +and he lay pale and bleeding before me! and his +last fond lingering look of unutterable love was +now about to close on me for ever!</p> + +<p>"She has forgiven me!" he faltered out; "and +Oh! mayst Thou forgive my trespasses against +thee!—Helen! it is sweet and consoling, my only +love, to die here," said he, laying his cheek upon +my bosom:—and he spoke no more!</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<p>Alas! I could not have the sad consolation, when +I recovered my recollection, to carry his body to +England, to repose by those dear ones already in +the grave; but I do not regret it now. Since then, +the hands of piety have planted the rough soil in +which he was laid; flowers bloom around his grave; +and when five years ago I visited Paris, with my +own hands I strewed his simple tomb with flowers +that spring from the now hallowed soil around.</p> + +<p>Object of my earliest and my fondest love +never, no never, have forgotten thee! nor can I +ever forget! But, like one of the shades of +Ossian, thou comest over my soul, brightly +arrayed in the beams of thy loveliness; but all around +thee is dark with mists and storms!</p> + +<p>To conclude.—I have only to add, that after +two years of seclusion, and I may say of sorrow, +and one of that dryness and desolation of the +heart, when it seems as if it could love no more, +that painful feeling vanished, and I became the +willing bride of De Walden; that my beloved uncle +lived to see me the happy mother of two children; +and that my aunt gossips, advises and quotes, as +well and as constantly as usual; that on the death +of his uncle and his mother, my husband and I +came to reside entirely in England; that Lord +Charles Belmour, with a broken constitution and +a shattered fortune, was glad at last to marry for +a nurse and a dower, and took to wife a first cousin +who had loved him for years,—a woman who had +sense enough to overlook his faults in his good +qualities, and temper enough to bear with the +former; and he grows every day more happy, more +amiable, and more in love with marriage.</p> + +<p>For myself, I own with humble thankfulness +the vastness of the blessings I enjoy; and though +I cannot repent that I married the husband of my +own choice, I confess I have never been so truly +happy as with the husband of my mother's:—for +though I feel that it is often delightful to forgive +a husband's errors, she, and she alone, is truly to +be envied, whose husband has no errors to forgive.</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>THE END.</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="tiny" /> +<p> </p> + +<table class="sm" border="0" style="background-color: #E6F6FA; margin: 0 auto" cellspacing="2" cellpadding="4" summary="NOTES"> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"> + <div class="center">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</div> + +<p style="background-color: #E6F6FA"> +Missing punctuation has been added and superfluous punctuation removed +(most frequently quotation marks). Period spellings have been retained, +although a number of obvious typographical errors were corrected. +Hyphenation is inconsistent throughout, and a number of words occur +in various spellings.</p> + +<p>The name of one historical figure appears both as Hebert and as Herbert +in the original, and has been changed to Hébert. Otherwise, no +corrections have been made to the French.</p> + +<p>The following additional changes have been made and can be identified +in the body of the text by a grey dotted underline.<br /> + </p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="w50" align="left" valign="top">I went to down dinner</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">I went <b>down to</b> dinner</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td class="w50" align="left" valign="top">and as i If addressed an inferior</td> + <td align="left" valign="top">and as <b>if I</b> addressed an inferior</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td class="w50" align="left" valign="top">We were asked to stay dinner</td> + <td align="left" valign="top">We were asked to stay <b>to</b> dinner</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top">a mono-drame, a a ballet of action</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">a mono-drame, <b>a</b> ballet of action</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top">the impractible Lord Charles</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">the <b>impracticable</b> Lord Charles</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td class="w50">(NB impracticable here has its old meaning of unmanageable)</td></tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top">were a tearful one fails</td> +<td align="left" valign="top"><b>where</b> a tearful one fails</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top"> as little attention as as I can</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">as little attention <b>as</b> I can</td> +</tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="center"> +<p>One passage had a line of text out of sequence:</p></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="left"> +<p class="noindent">returned in much agitation from his walk, but I<br /> + experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry<br /> + saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he<br /> + I found that he had, as he said, met that good<br /> + young man, Count De Walden.</p></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="center"> +<p>The corrected passage reads:</p></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="left"> +<p class="noindent">returned in much agitation from his walk, but I<br /> + <b>saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he</b><br /> + experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry<br /> + I found that he had, as he said, met that good<br /> + young man, Count De Walden.</p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Wife's Duty, by Amelia Alderson Opie + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WIFE'S DUTY *** + +***** This file should be named 35294-h.htm or 35294-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/2/9/35294/ + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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