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(A Project Gutenberg eBook) + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body { +margin-left:10%; +margin-right:10%; +} + +h1,h2,h3 { +clear:both; +font-weight:400; +text-align:center; +} + +h1 { +line-height:1.5em; +} + +h2 { +letter-spacing:0.17em; +line-height:1.5em; +padding-top:2em; +} + +h3 { +letter-spacing:0.17em; +padding-top:1.5em; +} + +p { +margin-bottom:.75em; +margin-top:.75em; +text-align:justify; +} + +table { +margin-left:auto; +margin-right:auto; +} + +p#copy { +line-height:1.5em; +padding:3em; +} + +p.ralign { +margin-right:2em; +text-align:right; +} + +p.linkback { +font-size: 75%; +text-align:center; +margin-bottom:2.5em; +margin-top:0; +} + +div.blocks { +padding:0.5em 0; +} + +div#tn { +background-color:#CFC; +border:solid #38610B 1px; +font-size:85%; +margin:5%; +padding:2em; +} + +div#tn h2,div#footnotes h2 { +padding-top:0; +} + +div#corr p { +margin-bottom:.25em; +margin-top:.25em; +} + +div#footnotes { +background-color:#F2F2F2; +border:solid #A4A4A4 1px; +margin:5%; +padding:2em; +} + +div.footnote { +font-size:85%; +margin-left:10%; +margin-right:10%; +} + +span.fnlabel { +padding:8px; +} + +span.fnlabel a { +text-decoration:none; +} + +.fnanchor { +background-color:#F2F2F2; +font-size:.8em; +font-weight:400; +text-decoration:none; +vertical-align:super; +} + +span.pagenum { +color:gray; +font-size:small; +font-style:normal; +left:92%; +position:absolute; +text-align:right; +} + +span.subttl { +font-size:70%; +letter-spacing:0.03em; +} + +span.subttl2 { +font-size:70%; +letter-spacing:0.17em; +} + +.wide { +letter-spacing:0.17em; +} + +.p-tb { +padding:1em 0; +} + +.p-t { +padding-top:1em; +} + +.p-l1 { +padding-left:1.5em; +} + +.p-l2 { +padding-left:2em; +} + +.p-l4 { +padding-left:4em; +} + +.p-l6 { +padding-left:6em; +} + +.p-l8 { +padding-left:8em; +} + +.p-l14 { +padding-left:14em; +} + +.p-l16 { +padding-left:16em; +} + +.p-r2 { +padding-right:2em; +} + +.p-r4 { +padding-right:4em; +} + +.p-r6 { +padding-right:6em; +} + +.p-r10 { +padding-right:10em; +} + +.center { +text-align:center; +} + +.smcap { +font-variant:small-caps; +} + +.smcapuc { +font-size:80%; +} + +.lg { +font-size:115%; +} + +.med { +font-size:105%; +} + +.sm { +font-size:85%; +} + +.xsm { +font-size:70%; +} + +.wee { +font-size:55%; +} + +</style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual +of Politeness, by Florence Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness + A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society + +Author: Florence Hartley + +Release Date: January 30, 2011 [EBook #35123] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, S.D., and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1><span class="wee">THE</span><br /> +LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE,<br /> +<span class="wee">AND</span><br /> +<span class="sm">MANUAL OF POLITENESS.</span></h1> + +<p class="center">A COMPLETE HAND BOOK FOR THE USE OF THE LADY IN POLITE SOCIETY.</p> + +<p class="center xsm p-tb">CONTAINING</p> + +<p class="center xsm">FULL DIRECTIONS FOR CORRECT MANNERS, DRESS, DEPORTMENT, AND CONVERSATION;<br /> +RULES FOR THE DUTIES OF BOTH HOSTESS AND GUEST<br /> +IN MORNING RECEPTIONS, DINNER COMPANIES, VISITING, EVENING<br /> +PARTIES AND BALLS; A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR LETTER<br /> +WRITING AND CARDS OF COMPLIMENT; HINTS<br /> +ON MANAGING SERVANTS, ON THE PRESERVATION<br /> +OF HEALTH, AND ON ACCOMPLISHMENTS.</p> + +<p class="center xsm p-tb">AND ALSO</p> + +<p class="center sm">USEFUL RECEIPTS FOR THE COMPLEXION, HAIR, AND WITH HINTS<br /> +AND DIRECTIONS FOR THE CARE OF THE WARDROBE.</p> + +<p class="center p-tb"><span class="xsm">BY</span><br /> +<span class="lg">FLORENCE HARTLEY,</span><br /> +<span class="xsm">AUTHOR OF THE "LADIES' HAND BOOK OF FANCY AND ORNAMENTAL WORK."</span></p> + +<p class="center wide med p-tb">BOSTON:<br /> +G. W. COTTRELL, PUBLISHER,<br /> +<span class="smcap">36 Cornhill</span>. +</p> + +<p id="copy" class="center sm">Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by<br /> +<span class="wide">G. G. EVANS,</span><br /> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of<br /> +Pennsylvania.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_3" id="Pg_3">[3]</a></span></p> + +<h2>INTRODUCTION.</h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>In preparing a book of etiquette for ladies, I would lay down +as the first rule, "Do unto others as you would others should +do to you." You can never be rude if you bear the rule +always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely? +True Christian politeness will always be the result of an unselfish +regard for the feelings of others, and though you may +err in the ceremonious points of etiquette, you will never be impolite.</p> + +<p>Politeness, founded upon such a rule, becomes the expression, +in graceful manner, of social virtues. The spirit of politeness +consists in a certain attention to forms and ceremonies, which +are meant both to please others and ourselves, and to make +others pleased with us; a still clearer definition may be given +by saying that politeness is goodness of heart put into daily +practice; there can be no <em>true</em> politeness without kindness, +purity, singleness of heart, and sensibility.</p> + +<p>Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world +to conceal bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of +possessing virtues not really existing in the heart; thus, that +politeness is merely hypocrisy and dissimulation. Do not believe +this; be certain that those who profess such a doctrine +are practising themselves the deceit they condemn so much. +Such people scout politeness, because, to be truly a lady, one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_4" id="Pg_4">[4]</a></span> +must carry the principles into every circumstance of life, into +the family circle, the most intimate friendship, and never forget +to extend the gentle courtesies of life to every one. This they +find too much trouble, and so deride the idea of being polite +and call it deceitfulness.</p> + +<p>True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those +possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be +rude. They may not enter a crowded saloon gracefully; they +may be entirely ignorant of the <em>forms</em> of good society; they may +be awkward at table, ungrammatical in speech; but they will +never be heard speaking so as to wound the feelings of another; +they will never be seen making others uncomfortable by seeking +solely for their own <em>personal</em> convenience; they will always +endeavor to set every one around them at ease; they will be +self-sacrificing, friendly, unselfish; truly in word and deed, +<em>polite</em>. Give to such a woman the knowledge of the forms and +customs of society, teach her how best to show the gentle +courtesies of life, and you have a <em>lady</em>, created by God, only +indebted for the <em>outward</em> polish to the world.</p> + +<p>It is true that society demands this same unselfishness and +courtesy, but when there is no heart in the work, the time is +frittered away on the mere ceremonies, forms of etiquette, and +customs of society, and this politeness seeks only its own ends; +to be known as courteous, spoken of as lady-like, and not beloved +as unselfish and womanly.</p> + +<p>Etiquette exists in some form in all countries, has existed +and will exist in all ages. From the rudest savage who dares +not approach his ignorant, barbarous ruler without certain +forms and ceremonies, to the most polished courts in Europe, or +the home circles of America, etiquette reigns.</p> + +<p>True politeness will be found, its basis in the human heart, +the same in all these varied scenes and situations, but the outward +forms of etiquette will vary everywhere. Even in the +same scene, time will alter every form, and render the exquisite +polish of last year, obsolete rudeness next year.</p> + +<p>Politeness, being based upon real kindness of heart, cannot +exist where there is selfishness or brutality to warp its growth.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_5" id="Pg_5">[5]</a></span> +It is founded upon love of the neighbor, and a desire to be beloved, +and to show love. Thus, where such pure, noble feelings +do not exist, the mere forms of politeness become hypocrisy +and deceit.</p> + +<p>Rudeness will repel, where courtesy would attract friends.</p> + +<p>Never by word or action notice the defects of another; be +charitable, for all need charity. Remember who said, "Let +him that is without fault cast the first stone." Remember that +the laws of politeness require the consideration of the feelings +of others; the endeavor to make every one feel at ease; and +frank courtesy towards all. Never meet rudeness in others +with rudeness upon your own part; even the most brutal +and impolite will be more shamed by being met with courtesy +and kindness, than by any attempt to annoy them by insolence +on your part.</p> + +<p>Politeness forbids any display of resentment. The polished +surface throws back the arrow.</p> + +<p>Remember that a favor becomes doubly valuable if granted +with courtesy, and that the pain of a refusal may be softened +if the manner expresses polite regret.</p> + +<p>Kindness, even to the most humble, will never lose anything +by being offered in a gentle, courteous manner, and the most +common-place action will admit of grace and ease in its execution.</p> + +<p>Let every action, while it is finished in strict accordance +with etiquette, be, at the same time, easy, as if dictated solely +by the heart.</p> + +<p>To be truly polite, remember you must be polite at <em>all</em> times, +and under <em>all</em> circumstances.</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_6" id="Pg_6">[6]</a></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_7" id="Pg_7"><br />[7]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS.</h2> + +<table border="0" cellspacing="2" summary="Table of Contents"> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_I">CHAPTER I.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td></td><td class="xsm">PAGE</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Conversation</td> +<td align="right">11</td></tr> + +<tr class="p-t"><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_II">CHAPTER II.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Dress</td> +<td align="right">21</td></tr> + +<tr class="p-t"><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_III">CHAPTER III.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Traveling</td> +<td align="right">34</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_IV">CHAPTER IV.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">How to behave at a Hotel</td> +<td align="right">40</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_V">CHAPTER V.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Evening Parties</span>—Etiquette for the Hostess</td> +<td align="right">44</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_VI">CHAPTER VI.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Evening Parties</span>—Etiquette for the Guest</td> +<td align="right">54</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_VII">CHAPTER VII.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Visiting</span>—Etiquette for the Hostess</td> +<td align="right">60</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_VIII">CHAPTER VIII.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Visiting</span>—Etiquette for the Guest</td> +<td align="right">66</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_8" id="Pg_8">[8]</a></span> +<a href="#CHPTR_IX">CHAPTER IX.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Morning Receptions or Calls</span>—Etiquette for the Hostess</td> +<td align="right">76</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_X">CHAPTER X.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Morning Receptions or Calls</span>—Etiquette for the Caller</td> +<td align="right">81</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XI">CHAPTER XI.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Dinner Company</span>—Etiquette for the Hostess</td> +<td align="right">87</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XII">CHAPTER XII.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Dinner Company</span>—Etiquette for the Guest</td> +<td align="right">97</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XIII">CHAPTER XIII.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Table Etiquette</td> +<td align="right">105</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XIV">CHAPTER XIV.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Conduct in the Street</td> +<td align="right">109</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XV">CHAPTER XV.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Letter Writing</td> +<td align="right">116</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XVI">CHAPTER XVI.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Polite Deportment and good Habits</td> +<td align="right">142</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XVII">CHAPTER XVII.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Conduct in Church</td> +<td align="right">154</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XVIII">CHAPTER XVIII.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Ball room Etiquette</span>—For the Hostess</td> +<td align="right">158</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XIX">CHAPTER XIX.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Ball room Etiquette</span>—For the Guest</td> +<td align="right">166</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XX">CHAPTER XX.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Places of Amusement</td> +<td align="right">172</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_9" id="Pg_9">[9]</a></span> +<a href="#CHPTR_XXI">CHAPTER XXI.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Accomplishments</td> +<td align="right">178</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XXII">CHAPTER XXII.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Servants</td> +<td align="right">232</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XXIII">CHAPTER XXIII.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">On a Young Lady's Conduct when contemplating Marriage</td> +<td align="right">244</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XXIV">CHAPTER XXIV.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Bridal Etiquette</td> +<td align="right">259</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XXV">CHAPTER XXV.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Hints on Health</td> +<td align="right">264</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#CHPTR_XXVI">CHAPTER XXVI.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">Miscellaneous</td> +<td align="right">283</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center" class="p-t" colspan="2"><a href="#RECEIPTS">RECEIPTS.</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="smcap">For the Complexion, &c.</td> +<td align="right">303</td></tr> +</table> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_10" id="Pg_10">[10]</a></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_11" id="Pg_11"><br />[11]</a></span></p> + +<h2>LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE.<br /><br /> +<a name="CHPTR_I" id="CHPTR_I"></a>CHAPTER I.<br /> +<span class="subttl">CONVERSATION.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>The art of conversation consists in the exercise of two +fine qualities. You must originate, and you must sympathize; +you must possess at the same time the habit of +communicating and of listening attentively. The union +is rare but irresistible. None but an excessively ill-bred +person will allow her attention to wander from the person +with whom she is conversing; and especially she will +never, while seeming to be entirely attentive to her companion, +answer a remark or question made to another +person, in another group. Unless the conversation be +general among a party of friends, confine your remarks +and attention entirely to the person with whom you are +conversing. Steele says, "I would establish but one +great general rule in conversation, which is this—that +people should not talk to please themselves, but those +who hear them. This would make them consider whether<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_12" id="Pg_12">[12]</a></span> +what they speak be worth hearing; whether there be +either wit or sense in what they are about to say; and +whether it be adapted to the time when, the place where, +and the person to whom, it is spoken."</p> + +<p>Be careful in conversation to avoid topics which may +be supposed to have any direct reference to events or +circumstances which may be painful for your companion +to hear discussed; you may unintentionally start a subject +which annoys or troubles the friend with whom you +may be conversing; in that case, do not stop abruptly, +when you perceive that it causes pain, and, above all, do +not make the matter worse by apologizing; turn to another +subject as soon as possible, and pay no attention +to the agitation your unfortunate remark may have excited. +Many persons will, for the sake of appearing +witty or smart, wound the feelings of another deeply; +avoid this; it is not only ill-bred, but cruel.</p> + +<p>Remember that having all the talk sustained by one +person is not conversation; do not engross all the attention +yourself, by refusing to allow another person an opportunity +to speak, and also avoid the other extreme of +total silence, or answering only in monosyllables.</p> + +<p>If your companion relates an incident or tells a story, +be very careful not to interrupt her by questions, even +if you do not clearly understand her; wait until she has +finished her relation, and then ask any questions you may +desire. There is nothing more annoying than to be so +interrupted. I have heard a story told to an impertinent +listener, which ran in this way:—</p> + +<p>"I saw a fearful sight——"</p> + +<p>"When?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_13" id="Pg_13">[13]</a></span></p><p>"I was about to tell you; last Monday, on the train——"</p> + +<p>"What train?"</p> + +<p>"The train from B——. We were near the bridge——"</p> + +<p>"What bridge?"</p> + +<p>"I will tell you all about it, if you will only let me +speak. I was coming from B——"</p> + +<p>"Last Monday, did you say?"</p> + +<p>and so on. The story was interrupted at every sentence, +and the relator condemned as a most tedious story-teller, +when, had he been permitted to go forward, he would +have made the incident interesting and short.</p> + +<p>Never interrupt any one who is speaking. It is very +ill-bred. If you see that a person to whom you wish to +speak is being addressed by another person, never speak +until she has heard and replied; until her conversation +with that person is finished. No truly polite lady ever +breaks in upon a conversation or interrupts another +speaker.</p> + +<p>Never, in speaking to a married lady, enquire for her +<em>husband</em>, or, if a gentleman, ask for his <em>wife</em>. The elegant +way is to call the absent party by their name; ask +Mr. Smith how Mrs. Smith is, or enquire of Mrs. Jones +for Mr. Jones, but never for "your husband" or "your +wife." On the other hand, if you are married, never +speak of your husband as your "lord," "husband," or +"good man," avoid, also, unless amongst relatives, calling +him by his Christian name. If you wish others to +respect him, show by speaking of him in respectful terms +that you do so yourself. If either your own husband or +your friend's is in the army or navy, or can claim the +Dr., Prof., or any other prefix to his name, there is no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_14" id="Pg_14">[14]</a></span> +impropriety in speaking of him as the colonel, doctor, +or whatever his title may be.</p> + +<p>It is a mark of ill-breeding to use French phrases or +words, unless you are sure your companion is a French +scholar, and, even then, it is best to avoid them. Above +all, do not use any foreign word or phrase, unless you +have the language perfectly at your command. I heard +a lady once use a Spanish quotation; she had mastered +that one sentence alone; but a Cuban gentleman, delighted +to meet an American who could converse with +him in his own tongue, immediately addressed her in +Spanish. Embarrassed and ashamed, she was obliged +to confess that her knowledge of the language was confined +to one quotation.</p> + +<p>Never anticipate the point or joke of any anecdote +told in your presence. If <em>you</em> have heard the story before, +it may be new to others, and the narrator should +always be allowed to finish it in his own words. To take +any sentence from the mouth of another person, before +he has time to utter it, is the height of ill-breeding. +Avoid it carefully.</p> + +<p>Never use the phrases, "What-d-ye call it," "Thingummy," +"What's his name," or any such substitutes +for a proper name or place. If you cannot recall the +names you wish to use, it is better not to tell the story +or incident connected with them. No lady of high +breeding will ever use these substitutes in conversation.</p> + +<p>Be careful always to speak in a distinct, clear voice; +at the same time avoid talking too loudly, there is a happy +medium between mumbling and screaming. Strive to +attain it.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_15" id="Pg_15">[15]</a></span> +Overlook the deficiencies of others when conversing +with them, as they may be the results of ignorance, and +impossible to correct. Never pain another person by +correcting, before others, a word or phrase mispronounced +or ungrammatically constructed. If your intimacy will +allow it, speak of the fault upon another occasion, kindly +and privately, or let it pass. Do not be continually +watching for faults, that you may display your own superior +wisdom in correcting them. Let modesty and +kind feeling govern your conversation, as other rules of +life. If, on the other hand, your companion uses words +or expressions which you cannot understand, do not affect +knowledge, or be ashamed of your ignorance, but +frankly ask for an explanation.</p> + +<p>In conversing with professional gentlemen, never +question them upon matters connected with their employment. +An author may communicate, voluntarily, information +interesting to you, upon the subject of his +works, but any questions from you would be extremely +rude. If you meet a physician who is attending a +friend, you may enquire for their progress, but do not +expect him to give you a detailed account of the disease +and his manner of treating it. The same rule applies +to questioning lawyers about their clients, artists on +their paintings, merchants or mechanics of their several +branches of business. Professional or business men, +when with ladies, generally wish for miscellaneous subjects +of conversation, and, as their visits are for recreation, +they will feel excessively annoyed if obliged to +"talk shop." Still many men can converse on no other +subject than their every day employment. In this case<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_16" id="Pg_16">[16]</a></span> +listen politely, and show your interest. You will probably +gain useful information in such conversation.</p> + +<p>Never question the veracity of any statement made +in general conversation. If you are certain a statement +is false, and it is injurious to another person, who may +be absent, you may quietly and courteously inform the +speaker that he is mistaken, but if the falsehood is of +no consequence, let it pass. If a statement appears +monstrous, but you do not <em>know</em> that it is false, listen, +but do not question its veracity. It may be true, though +it strikes you as improbable.</p> + +<p>Never attempt to disparage an absent friend. It is +the height of meanness. If others admire her, and you +do not, let them have their opinion in peace; you will +probably fail if you try to lower her in their esteem, and +gain for yourself the character of an ill-natured, envious +person.</p> + +<p>In conversing with foreigners, if they speak slightingly +of the manners of your country, do not retort +rudely, or resentfully. If their views are wrong, converse +upon the subject, giving them frankly your views, +but never retaliate by telling them that some custom of +their own country is worse. A gentleman or lady of +true refinement will always give your words candid consideration, +and admit that an American may possibly +know the customs of her country better than they do, +and if your opponent is not well-bred, your rudeness +will not improve his manners. Let the conversation +upon national subjects be candid, and at the same time +courteous, and leave him to think that the <em>ladies</em> in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_17" id="Pg_17">[17]</a></span> +America are well-bred, however much he may dislike +some little national peculiarity.</p> + +<p>Avoid, at all times, mentioning subjects or incidents +that can in any way disgust your hearers. Many persons +will enter into the details of sicknesses which should be +mentioned only when absolutely necessary, or describe +the most revolting scenes before a room full of people, or +even at table. Others speak of vermin, noxious plants, +or instances of uncleanliness. All such conversation or +allusion is excessively ill-bred. It is not only annoying, +but absolutely sickening to some, and a truly lady-like +person will avoid all such topics.</p> + +<p>I cannot too severely censure the habit of using sentences +which admit of a double meaning. It is not only +ill-bred, but indelicate, and no person of true refinement +will ever do it. If you are so unfortunate as to converse +with one who uses such phrases, never by word, look, or +sign show that you understand any meaning beyond the +plain, outspoken language.</p> + +<p>Avoid always any discussion upon religious topics, +unless you are perfectly certain that your remarks cannot +annoy or pain any one present. If you are tête-à-tête +with a friend, and such a discussion arise, inquire +your companion's church and mention your own, that +you may yourself avoid unpleasant remarks, and caution +him.</p> + +<p>Never, when advancing an opinion, assert positively +that a thing "<em>is so</em>," but give your opinion <em>as</em> an opinion. +Say, "I think this is so," or "these are <em>my</em> views," +but remember that your companion may be better informed +upon the subject under discussion, or, where it is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_18" id="Pg_18">[18]</a></span> +a mere matter of taste or feeling, do not expect that all +the world will feel exactly as you do.</p> + +<p>Never repeat to a person with whom you converse, any +unpleasant speech you may have heard concerning her. +If you can give her pleasure by the repetition of a delicate +compliment, or token of approval shown by a mutual +friend, tell her the pleasant speech or incident, but do +not hurt her feelings, or involve her in a quarrel by the +repetition of ill-natured remarks.</p> + +<p>Amongst well-bred persons, every conversation is considered +in a measure confidential. A lady or gentleman +tacitly confides in you when he (or she) tells you an incident +which may cause trouble if repeated, and you +violate a confidence as much in such a repetition, as if +you were bound over to secrecy. Remember this.</p> + +<p>Never criticise a companion's dress, or indeed make +any remark whatever upon it. If a near friend, you +may, if sincere, admire any article, but with a mere acquaintance +let it pass unnoticed. If, however, any accident +has happened to the dress, of which she is ignorant, +tell her of it, and assist her in repairing the mischief.</p> + +<p>To be able to converse really well, you must read +much, treasure in your memory the pearls of what you +read; you must have a quick comprehension, observe +passing events, and listen attentively whenever there is +any opportunity of acquiring knowledge. A quick tact +is necessary, too, in conversation. To converse with an +entirely uneducated person upon literature, interlarding +your remarks with quotations, is ill-bred. It places +them in an awkward situation, and does not add to your +popularity. In conversing with persons of refinement<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_19" id="Pg_19">[19]</a></span> +and intelligence, do not endeavor to attract their admiration +by pouring forth every item of your own information +upon the subject under consideration, but listen as +well as talk, and modestly follow their lead. I do not +mean, to assent to any opinion they may advance, if you +really differ in your own tastes, but do not be <em>too</em> ready +to show your superior judgment or information. Avoid +argument; it is not conversation, and frequently leads +to ill feeling. If you are unfortunately drawn into an +argument, keep your temper under perfect control, and +if you find your adversary is getting too warm, endeavor +to introduce some other topic.</p> + +<p>Avoid carefully any allusion to the age or personal +defects of your companion, or any one who may be in +the room, and be very careful in your language when +speaking of a stranger to another person. I have heard +a lady inquire of a gentleman, "who that frightful girl +in blue could be," and receive the information that the +lady in question was the gentleman's own sister.</p> + +<p>Be careful, when traveling, not to wound the feelings +of your friends in another country or city, by underrating +their native place, or attempting to prove the superiority +of your own home over theirs.</p> + +<p>Very young girls are apt to suppose, from what they +observe in older ones, that there is some particular manner +to be put on, in talking to gentlemen, and, not +knowing exactly what it is, they are embarrassed and +reserved; others observe certain airs and looks, used by +their elders in this intercourse, and try to imitate them, +as a necessary part of company behaviours, and, so become +affected, and lose that first of charms, simplicity,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_20" id="Pg_20">[20]</a></span> +natural grace. To such, let me say, your companions +are in error; it requires no peculiar manner, nothing to +be put on, in order to converse with gentlemen, any more +than with ladies; and the more pure and elevated your +sentiments are, and the better cultivated your intellect +is, the easier will you find it to converse pleasantly with +all. One good rule can be always followed by young ladies; +to converse with a lady friend as if there were gentlemen +present, and to converse with a gentleman as if +in the room with other ladies.</p> + +<p>Avoid affectation; it is the sure test of a deceitful, +vulgar mind. The best cure is to try to have those virtues +which you would affect, and then they will appear +naturally.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_21" id="Pg_21">[21]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_II" id="CHPTR_II"></a>CHAPTER II.<br /> +<span class="subttl">DRESS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>"A lady is never so well dressed as when you cannot +remember what she wears."</p> + +<p>No truer remark than the above was ever made. Such +an effect can only be produced where every part of the +dress harmonizes entirely with the other parts, where +each color or shade suits the wearer's style completely, +and where there is perfect neatness in each detail. One +glaring color, or conspicuous article, would entirely mar +the beauty of such a dress. It is, unfortunately, too +much the custom in America to wear any article, or shape +in make, that is fashionable, without any regard to the +style of the person purchasing goods. If it is the fashion +it must be worn, though it may greatly exaggerate a slight +personal defect, or conceal or mar what would otherwise +be a beauty. It requires the exercise of some judgment +to decide how far an individual may follow the dictates +of fashion, in order to avoid the appearance of eccentricity, +and yet wear what is peculiarly becoming to her +own face or figure. Another fault of our fair countrywomen +is their extravagance in dress. No better advice +can be given to a young person than to dress always according +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_22" id="Pg_22">[22]</a></span> +to her circumstances. She will be more respected +with a simple wardrobe, if it is known either +that she is dependent upon her own exertions for support, +or is saving a husband or father from unnecessary outlay, +than if she wore the most costly fabrics, and by so doing +incurred debt or burdened her relatives with heavy, unwarrantable +expense. If neatness, consistency, and +good taste, preside over the wardrobe of a lady, expensive +fabrics will not be needed; for with the simplest +materials, harmony of color, accurate fitting to the figure, +and perfect neatness, she will always appear well dressed.</p> + +<h3>GENERAL RULES.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Neatness</span>—This is the first of all rules to be observed +with regard to dress. Perfect cleanliness and +careful adjustment of each article in the dress are indispensable +in a finished toilet. Let the hair be always +smooth and becomingly arranged, each article exquisitely +clean, neat collar and sleeves, and tidy shoes and stockings, +and the simplest dress will appear well, while a +torn or soiled collar, rough hair, or untidy feet will entirely +ruin the effect of the most costly and elaborate +dress. The many articles required in a lady's wardrobe +make a neat arrangement of her drawers and closets +necessary, and also require care in selecting and keeping +goods in proper order. A fine collar or lace, if tumbled +or soiled, will lose its beauty when contrasted with the +same article in the coarsest material perfectly pure and +smooth. Each article of dress, when taken off, should +be placed carefully and smoothly in its proper place. +Nice dresses should be hung up by a loop on the inside<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_23" id="Pg_23">[23]</a></span> +of the waistband, with the skirts turned inside out, and +the body turned inside of the skirt. Cloaks should hang +in smooth folds from a loop on the inside of the neck. +Shawls should be always folded in the creases in which +they were purchased. All fine articles, lace, embroidery, +and handkerchiefs, should be placed by themselves in a +drawer, always laid out smoothly, and kept from dust. +Furs should be kept in a box, alone, and in summer +carefully packed, with a quantity of lump camphor to +protect from moths. The bonnet should always rest +upon a stand in the band-box, as the shape and trimming +will both be injured by letting it lie either on the face, +sides, or crown.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Adaptiveness</span>—Let each dress worn by a lady be +suitable to the occasion upon which she wears it. A +toilet may be as offensive to good taste and propriety by +being too elaborate, as by being slovenly. Never wear +a dress which is out of place or out of season under the +impression that "it will do for once," or "nobody will +notice it." It is in as bad taste to receive your morning +calls in an elaborate evening dress, as it would be to attend +a ball in your morning wrapper.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harmony</span>—To appear well dressed without harmony, +both in color and materials, is impossible. When arranging +any dress, whether for home, street, or evening, +be careful that each color harmonizes well with the rest, +and let no one article, by its glaring costliness, make all +the rest appear mean. A costly lace worn over a thin, +flimsy silk, will only make the dress appear poorer, not, +as some suppose, hide its defects. A rich trimming +looks as badly upon a cheap dress, as a mean one does<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_24" id="Pg_24">[24]</a></span> +upon an expensive fabric. Observe this rule always in +purchasing goods. One costly article will entirely ruin +the harmony in a dress, which, without it, though plain +and inexpensive, would be becoming and beautiful. Do +not save on the dress or cloak to buy a more elaborate +bonnet, but let the cost be well equalized and the effect +will be good. A plain merino or dark silk, with a cloth +cloak, will look much better than the most expensive +velvet cloak over a cheap delaine dress.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Fashion</span>—Do not be too submissive to the dictates of +fashion; at the same time avoid oddity or eccentricity +in your dress. There are some persons who will follow, +in defiance of taste and judgment, the fashion to its +most extreme point; this is a sure mark of vulgarity. +Every new style of dress will admit of adaptation to individual +cases, thus producing a pleasing, as well as +fashionable effect. Not only good taste, but health is +often sacrificed to the silly error of dressing in the extreme +of fashion. Be careful to have your dress comfortable +and becoming, and let the prevailing mode come +into secondary consideration; avoiding, always, the other +extreme of oddity or eccentricity in costume.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Style and form of dress</span>—Be always careful when +making up the various parts of your wardrobe, that each +article fits you accurately. Not in the outside garments +alone must this rule be followed, an ill-fitting pair of +corsets, or wrinkles in any other article of the under-clothes, +will make a dress set badly, even if it has been +itself fitted with the utmost accuracy. A stocking which +is too large, will make the boot uncomfortably tight, and +too small will compress the foot, making the shoe loose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_25" id="Pg_25">[25]</a></span> +and untidy. In a dress, no outlay upon the material will +compensate for a badly fitting garment. A cheap calico +made to fit the form accurately and easily, will give the +wearer a more lady-like air than the richest silk which +either wrinkles or is too tightly strained over the figure. +Collars or sleeves, pinned over or tightly strained to +meet, will entirely mar the effect of the prettiest dress.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Economy</span>—And by economy I do not mean mere +cheapness. To buy a poor, flimsy fabric merely because +the price is low, is extravagance, not economy; still +worse if you buy articles because they are offered cheap, +when you have no use for them. In purchasing goods +for the wardrobe, let each material be the best of its +kind. The same amount of sewing that is put into a +good material, must be put into a poor one, and, as the +latter will very soon wash or wear out, there must be another +one to supply its place, purchased and made up, +when, by buying a good article at first, this time and +labor might have been saved. A good, strong material +will be found cheapest in the end, though the actual expenditure +of money may be larger at first.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Comfort</span>—Many ladies have to trace months of severe +suffering to an improper disregard of comfort, in +preparing their wardrobe, or in exposure after they are +dressed. The most exquisite ball costume will never +compensate for the injury done by tight lacing, the +prettiest foot is dearly paid for by the pain a tight boot +entails, and the most graceful effects will not prevent +suffering from exposure to cold. A light ball dress and +exquisite arrangement of the hair, too often make the +wearer dare the inclemency of the coldest night, by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_26" id="Pg_26">[26]</a></span> +wearing a light shawl or hood, to prevent crushing delicate +lace or flowers. Make it a fixed rule to have the +head, feet, and chest well protected when going to a +party, even at the risk of a crushed flower or a stray +curl. Many a fair head has been laid in a coffin, a +victim to consumption, from rashly venturing out of a +heated ball room, flushed and excited, with only a light +protection against keen night air. The excitement of +the occasion may prevent immediate discomfort in such +cases, but it adds to the subsequent danger.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Details</span>—Be careful always that the details of your +dress are perfectly finished in every point. The small +articles of a wardrobe require constant care to keep in +perfect order, yet they will wofully revenge themselves +if neglected. Let the collar, handkerchief, boots, gloves, +and belts be always whole, neat, and adapted to the +dress. A lace collar will look as badly over a chintz +dress, as a linen one would with velvet, though each may +be perfect of its kind. Attention to these minor points +are sure tests of taste in a lady's dress. A shabby or +ill fitting boot or glove will ruin the most elaborate +walking dress, while one of much plainer make and +coarser fabric will be becoming and lady-like, if all the +details are accurately fitted, clean, and well put on. In +arranging a dress for every occasion, be careful that +there is no missing string, hook, or button, that the folds +hang well, and that every part is even and properly adjusted. +Let the skirts hang smoothly, the outside ones +being always about an inch longer than the under ones; +let the dress set smoothly, carefully hooked or buttoned; +let the collar fit neatly, and be fastened firmly and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_27" id="Pg_27">[27]</a></span> +smoothly at the throat; let shoes and stockings be whole, +clean, and fit nicely; let the hair be smooth and glossy, +the skin pure, and the colors and fabric of your dress +harmonize and be suitable for the occasion, and you will +always appear both lady-like and well-dressed.</p> + +<h3>HOME DRESSES.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morning Dress</span>—The most suitable dress for breakfast, +is a wrapper made to fit the figure loosely, and the +material, excepting when the winter weather requires +woolen goods, should be of chintz, gingham, brilliante, +or muslin. A lady who has children, or one accustomed +to perform for herself light household duties, will soon +find the advantage of wearing materials that will wash. +A large apron of domestic gingham, which can be taken +off, if the wearer is called to see unexpected visiters, will +protect the front of the dress, and save washing the +wrapper too frequently. If a lady's domestic duties require +her attention for several hours in the morning, +whilst her list of acquaintances is large, and she has +frequent morning calls, it is best to dress for callers before +breakfast, and wear over this dress a loose sack and +skirt of domestic gingham. This, while protecting the +dress perfectly, can be taken off at a moment's notice if +callers are announced. Married ladies often wear a cap +in the morning, and lately, young girls have adopted the +fashion. It is much better to let the hair be perfectly +smooth, requiring no cap, which is often worn to conceal +the lazy, slovenly arrangement of the hair. A few moments +given to making the hair smooth and presentable +without any covering, will not be wasted. Slippers of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_28" id="Pg_28">[28]</a></span> +embroidered cloth are prettiest with a wrapper, and in +summer black morocco is the most suitable for the house +in the morning.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dress for Morning Visits</span>—A lady should never +receive her morning callers in a wrapper, unless they call +at an unusually early hour, or some unexpected demand +upon her time makes it impossible to change her dress +after breakfast. On the other hand, an elaborate costume +before dinner is in excessively bad taste. The +dress should be made to fit the figure neatly, finished at +the throat and wrists by an embroidered collar and cuffs, +and, unless there is a necessity for it, in loss of the hair +or age, there should be no cap or head dress worn. A +wrapper made with handsome trimming, open over a +pretty white skirt, may be worn with propriety; but the +simple dress worn for breakfast, or in the exercise of +domestic duties, is not suitable for the parlor when receiving +visits of ceremony in the morning.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Evening Dress</span>—The home evening dress should be +varied according to circumstances. If no visitor is expected, +the dress worn in the morning is suitable for the +evening; but to receive visitors, it should be of lighter +material, and a light head-dress may be worn. For +young ladies, at home, ribbon or velvet are the most +suitable materials for a head-dress. Flowers, unless +they be natural ones in summer, are in very bad taste, +excepting in cases where a party of invited guests are +expected. Dark silk in winter, and thin material in +summer, make the most suitable dresses for evening, and +the reception of the chance-guests ladies in society may +usually expect.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_29" id="Pg_29">[29]</a></span> +<span class="smcap">Walking Dresses</span>—Walking dresses, to be in good +taste, should be of quiet colors, and never conspicuous. +Browns, modes, and neutral tints, with black and white, +make the prettiest dresses for the street. Above all, +avoid wearing several bright colors. One may be worn +with perfect propriety to take off the sombre effect of a +dress of brown or black, but do not let it be too glaring, +and wear but little of it. Let the boots be sufficiently +strong and thick to protect the feet from damp or dust, +and wear always neat, clean, nicely fitting gloves. The +entire effect of the most tasteful costume will be ruined +if attention is not paid to the details of dress. A soiled +bonnet cap, untidy strings, or torn gloves and collar will +utterly spoil the prettiest costume. There is no surer +mark of vulgarity than over dressing or gay dressing in +the street. Let the materials be of the costliest kind, +if you will, but do not either wear the exaggerations of +the fashion, or conspicuous colors. Let good taste dictate +the limits where fashion may rule, and let the colors +harmonize well, and be of such tints as will not attract +attention.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">For Morning Calls</span>—The dress should be plain, +and in winter furs and dark gloves may be worn.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">For Bridal Calls</span>—The dress should be of light +silk, the bonnet dressy, and either a rich shawl or light +cloak; no furs, and light gloves. In summer, a lace or +silk mantle and white gloves should be worn.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Shopping Dresses</span>—Should be of such material as +will bear the crush of a crowded store without injury, +and neither lace or delicate fabrics should ever be worn. +A dress of merino in winter, with a cloth cloak and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_30" id="Pg_30">[30]</a></span> +plain velvet or silk bonnet is the most suitable. In +summer, a dress and cloak of plain mode-colored Lavella +cloth, or any other cool but strong fabric, with a simply +trimmed straw bonnet, is the best dress for a shopping +excursion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Storm Dresses</span>—A lady who is obliged to go out +frequently in bad weather, will find it both a convenience +and economy to have a storm dress. Both dress and +cloak should be made of a woolen material, (varying of +course with the season,) which will shed water. White +skirts are entirely out of place, as, if the dress is held +up, they will be in a few moments disgracefully dirty. +A woolen skirt, made quite short, to clear the muddy +streets, is the proper thing. Stout, thick-soled boots, +and gloves of either silk, beaver-cloth, or lisle thread, +are the most suitable. The bonnet should be either of +straw or felt, simply trimmed; and, above all, carry a +<em>large</em> umbrella. The little light umbrellas are very +pretty, no doubt, but to be of any real protection in a +storm, the umbrella should be large enough to protect +the whole dress.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Marketing</span>—Here a dress of the most inexpensive +kind is the best. There is no surer mark of vulgarity, +than a costly dress in the market. A chintz is the best +skirt to wear, and in winter a dark chintz skirt put on +over a delaine dress, will protect it from baskets, and +the unavoidable soils contracted in a market, while it +looks perfectly well, and can be washed if required.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Traveling</span>—Traveling dresses should be made always +of some quiet color, perfectly plain, with a deep mantle +or cloak of the same material. When traveling with a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_31" id="Pg_31">[31]</a></span> +young babe, a dress of material that will wash is the +best, but it should be dark and plain. A conspicuous +traveling dress is in very bad taste, and jewelry or ornaments +of any kind are entirely out of place. Let the +dress be made of dark, plain material, with a simple +straw or felt bonnet, trimmed with the same color as the +dress, and a thick barege veil. An elastic string run +through a tuck made in the middle of the veil, will allow +one half to fall over the face, while the other half falls +back, covering the bonnet, and protecting it from dust. +If white collars and sleeves are worn, they should be of +linen, perfectly plain. Strong boots and thick gloves +are indispensable in traveling, and a heavy shawl should +be carried, to meet any sudden change in the weather. +Corsets and petticoats of dark linen are more suitable +than white ones, as there is so much unavoidable dust +and mud constantly meeting a traveler.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Evening Dresses</span>—Must be governed by the number +of guests you may expect to meet, and the character of +the entertainment to which you are invited. For small +social companies, a dark silk in winter, and a pretty +lawn, barege, or white muslin in summer, are the most +appropriate. A light head-dress of ribbon or velvet, or +a plain cap, are the most suitable with this dress. For +a larger party, low-necked, short-sleeved silk, light colored, +or any of the thin goods made expressly for evening +wear, with kid gloves, either of a color to match the +dress or of white; black lace mittens are admissible, and +flowers in the hair. A ball dress should be made of either +very dressy silk, or light, thin material made over silk. +It should be trimmed with lace, flowers, or ribbon, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_32" id="Pg_32">[32]</a></span> +made dressy. The <i>coiffure</i> should be elaborate, and +match the dress, being either of ribbon, feather, or +flowers. White kid gloves, trimmed to match the dress, +and white or black satin slippers, with silk stockings, +must be worn.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mourning</span>—There is such a variety of opinion upon +the subject of mourning, that it is extremely difficult to +lay down any general rules upon the subject. Some +wear very close black for a long period, for a distant +relative; whilst others will wear dressy mourning for a +short time in a case of death in the immediate family. +There is no rule either for the depth of mourning, or the +time when it may be laid aside, and I must confine my +remarks to the different degrees of mourning.</p> + +<p>For deep mourning, the dress should be of bombazine, +Parramatta cloth, delaine, barege, or merino, made up +over black lining. The only appropriate trimming is a +deep fold, either of the same material or of crape. The +shawl or cloak must be of plain black, without border or +trimming, unless a fold of crape be put on the cloak; the +bonnet should be of crape, made perfectly plain, with +crape facings, unless the widow's cap be worn, and a +deep crape veil should be thrown over both face and +bonnet. Black crape collar and sleeves, and black boots +and gloves. The next degree is to wear white collar +and sleeves, a bow of crape upon the bonnet, and +plain white lace facings, leaving off the crape veil, and +substituting one of plain black net. A little later, black +silk without any gloss, trimmed with crape, may be worn, +and delaine or bombazine, with a trimming of broad, +plain ribbon, or a bias fold of silk. The next stage admits +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_33" id="Pg_33">[33]</a></span> +a silk bonnet trimmed with crape, and lead color, +dark purple, or white figures on the dress. From this +the mourning passes into second mourning. Here a +straw bonnet, trimmed with black ribbon or crape +flowers, or a silk bonnet with black flowers on the outside, +and white ones in the face, a black silk dress, and +gray shawl or cloak, may be worn. Lead color, purple, +lavender, and white, are all admissible in second mourning, +and the dress may be lightened gradually, a white +bonnet, shawl, and light purple or lavender dress, being +the dress usually worn last, before the mourning is +thrown aside entirely, and colors resumed. It is especially +to be recommended to buy always the best materials +when making up mourning. Crape and woolen +goods of the finest quality are very expensive, but a +cheaper article will wear miserably; there is no greater +error in economy than purchasing cheap mourning, for +no goods are so inferior, or wear out and grow rusty so +soon.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_34" id="Pg_34">[34]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_III" id="CHPTR_III"></a>CHAPTER III.<br /> +<span class="subttl">TRAVELING.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>There is no situation in which a lady is more exposed +than when she travels, and there is no position where a +dignified, lady-like deportment is more indispensable and +more certain to command respect. If you travel under +the escort of a gentleman, give him as little trouble as +possible; at the same time, do not interfere with the arrangements +he may make for your comfort. It is best, +when starting upon your journey, to hand your escort a +sufficient sum of money to cover all your expenses, retaining +your pocket book in case you should wish to use +it. Have a strong pocket made in your upper petticoat, +and in that carry your money, only reserving in your +dress pocket a small sum for incidental expenses. In +your traveling satchel carry an oil skin bag, containing +your sponge, tooth and nail brushes, and some soap; +have also a calico bag, with hair brush and comb, some +pins, hair pins, a small mirror, and some towels. In +this satchel carry also some crackers, or sandwiches, if +you will be long enough upon the road to need a +luncheon.</p> + +<p>In your carpet bag, carry a large shawl, and if you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_35" id="Pg_35">[35]</a></span> +will travel by night, or stop where it will be inconvenient +to open your trunks, carry your night clothes, and what +clean linen you may require, in the carpet bag. It is +best to have your name and address engraved upon the +plate of your carpet bag, and to sew a white card, with +your name and the address to which you are traveling, in +clear, plain letters upon it. If you carry a novel or any +other reading, it is best to carry the book in your satchel, +and not open the carpet bag until you are ready for the +night. If you are to pass the night in the cars, carry a +warm woolen or silk hood, that you may take off your +bonnet at night. No one can sleep comfortably in a +bonnet. Carry also, in this case, a large shawl to wrap +round your feet.</p> + +<p>One rule to be always observed in traveling is punctuality. +Rise early enough to have ample time for arranging +everything needful for the day's journey. If +you sleep upon the boat, or at a hotel, always give directions +to the servant to waken you at an hour sufficiently +early to allow ample time for preparation. It is +better to be all ready twenty minutes too soon, than five +minutes late, or even late enough to be annoyed and +heated by hurrying at the last moment.</p> + +<p>A lady will always dress plainly when traveling. A +gay dress, or finery of any sort, when in a boat, stage, +or car, lays a woman open to the most severe misconstruction. +Wear always neutral tints, and have the material +made up plainly and substantially, but avoid carefully +any article of dress that is glaring or conspicuous. +Above all, never wear jewelry, (unless it be your watch,) +or flowers; they are both in excessively bad taste. A<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_36" id="Pg_36">[36]</a></span> +quiet, unpretending dress, and dignified demeanor, will +insure for a lady respect, though she travel alone from +Maine to Florida.</p> + +<p>If you are obliged to pass the night upon a steamboat +secure, if possible, a stateroom. You will find the +luxury of being alone, able to retire and rise without +witnesses, fully compensates for the extra charge. Before +you retire, find out the position and number of the +stateroom occupied by your escort, in case you wish to +find him during the night. In times of terror, from accident +or danger, such care will be found invaluable.</p> + +<p>You may not be able to obtain a stateroom upon all +occasions when traveling, and must then sleep in the +ladies' cabin. It is best, in this case, to take off the +dress only, merely loosening the stays and skirts, and, +unless you are sick, you may sit up to read until quite a +late hour. Never allow your escort to accompany you +into the cabin. The saloon is open always to both ladies +and gentlemen, and the cabin is for ladies <em>alone</em>. Many +ladies are sufficiently ill-bred to ask a husband or brother +into the cabin, and keep him there talking for an hour +or two, totally overlooking the fact that by so doing she +may be keeping others, suffering, perhaps, with sickness, +from removing their dresses to lie down. Such conduct +is not only excessively ill-bred, but intensely selfish.</p> + +<p>There is scarcely any situation in which a lady can be +placed, more admirably adapted to test her good breeding, +than in the sleeping cabin of a steam-boat. If you +are so unfortunate as to suffer from sea-sickness, your +chances for usefulness are limited, and patient suffering +your only resource. In this case, never leave home<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_37" id="Pg_37">[37]</a></span> +without a straw-covered bottle of brandy, and another +of camphor, in your carpet-bag. If you are not sick, +be very careful not to keep the chambermaid from those +who are suffering; should you require her services, dismiss +her as soon as possible. As acquaintances, formed +during a journey, are not recognized afterwards, unless +mutually agreeable, do not refuse either a pleasant word +or any little offer of service from your companions; and, +on the other hand, be ready to aid them, if in your +power. In every case, selfishness is the root of all ill-breeding, +and it is never more conspicuously displayed +than in traveling. A courteous manner, and graceful +offer of service are valued highly when offered, and the +giver loses nothing by her civility.</p> + +<p>When in the car if you find the exertion of talking +painful, say so frankly; your escort cannot be offended. +Do not continually pester either your companion or the +conductor with questions, such as "Where are we now?" +"When shall we arrive?" If you are wearied, this impatience +will only make the journey still more tedious. +Try to occupy yourself with looking at the country +through which you are passing, or with a book.</p> + +<p>If you are traveling without any escort, speak to the +conductor before you start, requesting him to attend to +you whilst in the car or boat under his control. Sit +quietly in the cars when they reach the depot until the +first bustle is over, and then engage a porter to procure +for you a hack, and get your baggage. If upon a boat, +let one of the servants perform this office, being careful +to fee him for it. Make an engagement with the hackman, +to take you only in his hack, and enquire his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_38" id="Pg_38">[38]</a></span> +charge before starting. In this way you avoid unpleasant +company during your drive, and overcharge at the end +of it.</p> + +<p>If you expect a friend to meet you at the end of your +journey, sit near the door of the steam-boat saloon, or +in the ladies' room at the car depot, that he may find you +easily.</p> + +<p>There are many little civilities which a true gentleman +will offer to a lady traveling alone, which she may accept, +even from an entire stranger, with perfect propriety; +but, while careful to thank him courteously, whether you +accept or decline his attentions, avoid any advance towards +acquaintanceship. If he sits near you and seems +disposed to be impertinent, or obtrusive in his attentions +or conversation, lower your veil and turn from him, +either looking from the window or reading. A dignified, +modest reserve is the surest way to repel impertinence. +If you find yourself, during your journey, in any awkward +or embarrassing situation, you may, without impropriety, +request the assistance of a gentleman, even a +stranger, and he will, probably, perform the service requested, +receive your thanks, and then relieve you of his +presence. Never, upon any account, or under any provocation, +return rudeness by rudeness. Nothing will rebuke +incivility in another so surely as perfect courtesy in your +own manner. Many will be shamed into apology, who +would annoy you for hours, if you encouraged them by +acts of rudeness on your own part.</p> + +<p>In traveling alone, choose, if possible, a seat next to +another lady, or near an elderly gentleman. If your +neighbor seems disposed to shorten the time by conversing, +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_39" id="Pg_39">[39]</a></span> +do not be too hasty in checking him. Such acquaintances +end with the journey, and a lady can always +so deport herself that she may beguile the time pleasantly, +without, in the least, compromising her dignity.</p> + +<p>Any slight attention, or an apology made for crushing +or incommoding you, is best acknowledged by a courteous +bow, in silence.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_40" id="Pg_40">[40]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_IV" id="CHPTR_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV.<br /> +<span class="subttl">HOW TO BEHAVE AT A HOTEL.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>In America, where the mania for traveling extends +through all classes, from the highest to the lowest, a few +hints upon deportment at a hotel will not be amiss, and +these hints are especially addressed to ladies traveling +alone.</p> + +<p>When you arrive at the hotel, enquire at once for the +proprietor. Tell him your name and address, and ask +him to conduct you to a good room, naming the length +of time you purpose occupying it. You may also request +him to wait upon you to the table, and allot you a +seat. As the hours for meals, at a large hotel, are very +numerous, it is best to mention the time when you wish +to breakfast, dine, or sup. If you stay more than one +day at the hotel, do not tax the proprietor with the duty +of escorting you to the table more than once. Request +one of the waiters always to meet you as you enter, and +wait upon you to your seat. This saves the embarrassment +of crossing the room entirely unattended, while it +shows others that you are a resident at the house. The +waiter will then take your order for the dishes you wish. +Give this order in a low tone, and do not harass the man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_41" id="Pg_41">[41]</a></span> +by contradicting yourself several times; decide what +you want before you ask for it, and then give your order +quietly but distinctly. Use, always, the butter-knife, +salt-spoon, and sugar-tongs, though you may be entirely +alone in the use of them. The attention to the small +details of table etiquette is one of the surest marks of +good breeding. If any trifling civility is offered by the +gentleman beside you, or opposite to you, thank him +civilly, if you either accept or decline it. Thank the +waiter for any extra attention he may offer.</p> + +<p>Remember that a lady-like deportment is always +modest and quiet. If you meet a friend at table, and +converse, let it be in a tone of voice sufficiently loud for +him to hear, but not loud enough to reach ears for which +the remarks are not intended. A boisterous, loud voice, +loud laughter, and bold deportment, at a hotel, are sure +signs of vulgar breeding.</p> + +<p>When you have finished your meal, cross the room +quietly; if you go into the parlor, do not attract attention +by a hasty entrance, or forward manner, but take +the seat you may select, quietly.</p> + +<p>The acquaintances made in a hotel may be dropped +afterwards, if desirable, without rudeness, and a pleasant +greeting to other ladies whom you may recognize from +meeting them in the entries or at table, is courteous and +well-bred; be careful, however, not to force attentions +where you see they are not agreeably received.</p> + +<p>A lady's dress, when alone at a hotel, should be of the +most modest kind. At breakfast let her wear a close, +morning dress, and never, even at supper, appear alone +at the table with bare arms or neck. If she comes in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_42" id="Pg_42">[42]</a></span> +late from the opera or a party, in full dress, she should +not come into the supper-room, unless her escort accompanies +her. A traveling or walking-dress can be worn +with perfect propriety, at any meal at a hotel, as it is +usually travelers who are the guests at the table.</p> + +<p>After breakfast, pass an hour or two in the parlor, +unless you are going out, whilst the chambermaid puts +your room in order. You should, before leaving the +room, lock your trunk, and be careful not to leave +money or trinkets lying about. When you go out, lock +your door, and give the key to the servant to hand to +the clerk of the office, who will give it to you when you +return. You may do this, even if you leave the room in +disorder, as the chambermaids all carry duplicate keys, +and can easily enter your room in your absence to arrange +it. The door should not be left open, as dishonest +persons, passing along the entry, could enter without +fear of being questioned.</p> + +<p>If you see that another lady, though she may be an +entire stranger, is losing her collar, or needs attention +called to any disorder in her dress, speak to her in a low +tone, and offer to assist her in remedying the difficulty.</p> + +<p>Be careful always in opening a door or raising a window +in a public parlor, that you are not incommoding +any one else.</p> + +<p>Never sit down to the piano uninvited, unless you are +alone in the parlor. Do not take any book you may +find in the room away from it.</p> + +<p>It is best always to carry writing materials with you, +but if this is not convenient, you can always obtain +them at the office.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_43" id="Pg_43">[43]</a></span> +In a strange city it is best to provide yourself with a +small map and guide book, that you may be able to find +your way from the hotel to any given point, without +troubling any one for directions.</p> + +<p>If you wish for a carriage, ring, and let the waiter +order one for you.</p> + +<p>When leaving a hotel, if you have been there for +several days, give the waiter at table, and the chambermaid, +a fee, as your unprotected situation will probably +call for many services out of their regular routine of +duties.</p> + +<p>On leaving, ring, order your bill, pay it, state the +time at which you wish to leave, and the train you will +take to leave the city. Request a man to be sent, to +carry your baggage to the hack; and if you require your +next meal at an unusual hour, to be ready for your +journey, order it then.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_44" id="Pg_44">[44]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_V" id="CHPTR_V"></a>CHAPTER V.<br /> +<span class="subttl">EVENING PARTIES.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">ETIQUETTE FOR THE HOSTESS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>The most fashionable as well as pleasant way in the +present day, to entertain guests, is to invite them to +evening parties, which vary in size from the "company," +"sociable," "soirée," to the party, <i>par excellence</i>, which +is but one step from the ball.</p> + +<p>The entertainment upon such occasions, may vary with +the taste of the hostess, or the caprice of her guests. +Some prefer dancing, some music, some conversation. +Small parties called together for dramatic or poetical +readings, are now fashionable, and very delightful.</p> + +<p>In writing an invitation for a small party, it is kind, +as well as polite, to specify the number of guests invited, +that your friends may dress to suit the occasion. To be +either too much, or too little dressed at such times is +embarrassing.</p> + +<p>For large parties, the usual formula is:</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p><i>Miss S——'s compliments to Miss G——, and requests +the pleasure of her company for Wednesday, March 8th, +at 8 o'clock.</i></p> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_45" id="Pg_45">[45]</a></span></p><p>Such an invitation, addressed either to an intimate +friend or mere acquaintance, will signify full dress.</p> + +<p>If your party is a musical soirée, or your friends meet +for reading or conversation alone, say so in your invitation, +as—</p> + +<div class="blocks"><p><i>Miss S—— requests the pleasure of Miss G——'s company, +on Thursday evening next, at 8 o'clock, to meet the +members of the musical club, to which Miss S—— belongs</i>;</p> + +<p class="center">or,</p> + +<p><i>Miss S—— expects a few friends, on Monday evening +next, at 8 o'clock, to take part in some dramatic readings, +and would be happy to have Miss G—— join the party.</i></p></div> + +<p>Always date your note of invitation, and put your +address in one corner.</p> + +<p>Having dispatched these notes, the next step is to +prepare to receive your guests. If the number invited is +large, and you hire waiters, give them notice several +days beforehand, and engage them to come in the +morning. Give them full directions for the supper, appoint +one to open the door, another to show the guests to +the dressing rooms, and a third to wait in the gentlemen's +dressing-room, to attend to them, if their services +are required.</p> + +<p>If you use your own plate, glass, and china, show the +waiters where to find them, as well as the table cloths, napkins, +and other things they may require. If you hire +the service from the confectioner's or restaurateur's where +you order your supper, you have only to show your +waiters where to spread supper, and tell them the hour.</p> + +<p>You will have to place at least four rooms at the disposal +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_46" id="Pg_46">[46]</a></span>of your guests—the supper room, and two dressing-rooms, +beside the drawing-room.</p> + +<p>In the morning, see that the fires in your rooms are +in good order; and in the drawing-room, it is best to +have it so arranged that the heat can be lessened towards +evening, as the crowd, and dancing, will make it excessively +uncomfortable if the rooms are too warm. See +that the lights are in good order, and if you propose to +have music instead of dancing, or to use your piano for +dancing music, have it put in good tune in the morning. +If you intend to dance, and do not wish to take up the +carpets, you will find it economical, as well as much +pleasanter, to cover them with coarse white muslin or +linen; be sure it is fastened down smoothly, firmly, and +drawn tightly over the carpets.</p> + +<p>Do not remove all the chairs from the parlor; or, if +this is necessary, leave some in the hall, for those who +wish to rest after dancing.</p> + +<p>In the dining-room, unless it will accommodate all +your guests at once, have a silk cord so fastened that, +when the room is full, it can be drawn across the door-way; +those following the guests already in the room, +will then return to the parlor, and wait their turn. A +still better way, is to set the supper table twice, inviting +the married and elderly people to go into the first table, +and then, after it is ready for the second time, let the +young folks go up.</p> + +<p>Two dressing-rooms must be ready; one for the ladies, +and the other for the gentlemen. Have both these +rooms comfortably heated, and well lighted. Nothing +can be more disagreeable than cold, ill-lighted rooms to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_47" id="Pg_47">[47]</a></span> +dress in, particularly if your guests come in half-frozen +by the cold of a winter's night, or still worse, damp from +a stormy one.</p> + +<p>Be sure that there is plenty of water, soap and towels +on the washstand, two or three brushes and combs on the +bureau, two mirrors, one large and one small, and a pin +cushion, well filled with large and small pins.</p> + +<p>In the ladies' room, have one, or if your party is large, +two women to wait upon your guests; to remove their +cloaks, overshoes, and hoods, and assist them in smoothing +their dresses or hair. After each guest removes her +shawl and hood, let one of the maids roll all the things +she lays aside into a bundle, and put it where she can +easily find it. It is an admirable plan, and prevents +much confusion, to pin to each bundle, a card, or strip of +paper, (previously prepared,) with the name of the person +to whom it belongs written clearly and distinctly upon it.</p> + +<p>Upon the bureau in the ladies' room, have a supply of +hair-pins, and a workbox furnished with everything +requisite to repair any accident that may happen to the +dress of a guest. It is well, also, to have Eau de +Cologne, hartshorn, and salts, in case of sudden faintness.</p> + +<p>In the gentlemen's room, place a clothes brush and +boot-jack.</p> + +<p>It is best to send out your invitations by your own +servant, or one hired for that purpose especially. It is +ill-bred to send invitations either by the dispatch, or +through the post-office; and besides being discourteous, +you risk offending your friends, as these modes of delivery +are proverbially uncertain.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_48" id="Pg_48">[48]</a></span></p><p>Be dressed and ready to receive your guests in good +season, as some, in their desire to be punctual, may come +before the time appointed. It is better to be ready too +soon, than too late, as your guests will feel painfully +embarrassed if you are not ready to receive them.</p> + +<p>For the early part of the evening, take a position in +your parlor, near or opposite to the door, that each guest +may find you easily. It is not necessary to remain all +the evening nailed to this one spot, but stay near it +until your guests have all or nearly all assembled. Late +comers will of course expect to find you entertaining +your guests.</p> + +<p>As each guest or party enter the room, advance a few +steps to meet them, speaking first to the lady, or if there +are several ladies, to the eldest, then to the younger +ones, and finally to the gentlemen. If the new comers +are acquainted with those already in the room, they will +leave you, after a few words of greeting, to join their +friends; but if they are strangers to the city, or making +their first visit to your house, introduce them to a friend +who is well acquainted in your circle, who will entertain +them till you can again join them and introduce them to +others.</p> + +<p>Do not leave the room during the evening. To see +a hostess fidgeting, constantly going in and out, argues +ill for her tact in arranging the house for company. +With well-trained waiters, you need give yourself no +uneasiness about the arrangements outside of the parlors.</p> + +<p>The perfection of good breeding in a hostess, is perfect<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_49" id="Pg_49">[49]</a></span> +ease of manner; for the time she should appear to have +no thought or care beyond the pleasure of her guests.</p> + +<p>Have a waiter in the hall to open the front door, and +another at the head of the first flight of stairs, to point +out to the ladies and gentlemen their respective dressing-rooms.</p> + +<p>Never try to outshine your guests in dress. It is vulgar +in the extreme. A hostess should be dressed as +simply as is consistent with the occasion, wearing, if she +will, the richest fabrics, exquisitely made, but avoiding +any display of jewels or gay colors, such as will be, +probably, more conspicuous than those worn by her +guests.</p> + +<p>Remember, from the moment your first guest enters +the parlor, you must forget yourself entirely to make +the evening pleasant for others. Your duties will call +you from one group to another, and require constant +watchfulness that no one guest is slighted. Be careful +that none of the company are left to mope alone from +being unacquainted with other guests. Introduce gentlemen +to ladies, and gentlemen to gentlemen, ladies to +ladies.</p> + +<p>It requires much skill and tact to make a party for +conversation only, go off pleasantly. You must invite +only such guests as will mutually please, and you must +be careful about introductions. If you have a literary +lion upon your list, it is well to invite other lions to meet +him or her, that the attention may not be constantly concentrated +upon one person. Where you see a couple conversing +slowly and wearily, stir them up with a few sprightly +words, and introduce a new person, either to make a trio,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_50" id="Pg_50">[50]</a></span> +or, as a substitute in the duet, carrying off the other one +of the couple to find a more congenial companion elsewhere. +Never interrupt an earnest or apparently interesting +conversation. Neither party will thank you, even +if you propose the most delightful substitute.</p> + +<p>If your party meet for reading, have a table with the +books in the centre of the apartment, that will divide +the room, those reading being on one side, the listeners +on the other. Be careful here not to endeavor to shine +above your guests, leaving to them the most prominent +places, and taking, cheerfully, a subordinate place. On +the other hand, if you are urged to display any talent +you may possess in this way, remember your only desire +is to please your guests, and if they are really desirous +to listen to you, comply, gracefully and promptly, with +their wishes.</p> + +<p>If you have dancing, and have not engaged a band, it +is best to hire a pianist for the evening to play dancing +music. You will find it exceedingly wearisome to play +yourself all the evening, and it is ill-bred to ask any +guest to play for others to dance. This victimizing of +some obliging guest is only too common, but no true lady +will ever be guilty of such rudeness. If there are +several members of the family able and willing to play, +let them divide this duty amongst them, or, if you wish +to play yourself, do so. If any guest, in this case, offers +to relieve you, accept their kindness for <em>one</em> dance only. +Young people, who enjoy dancing, but who also play +well, will often stay on the piano-stool all the evening, +because their own good-nature will not allow them to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_51" id="Pg_51">[51]</a></span> +complain, and their hostess wilfully, or through negligence, +permits the tax.</p> + +<p>See that your guests are well provided with partners, +introducing every gentleman and lady who dances, to +one who will dance well with them. Be careful that +none sit still through your negligence in providing partners.</p> + +<p>Do not dance yourself, when, by so doing, you are +preventing a guest from enjoying that pleasure. If a +lady is wanted to make up a set, then dance, or if, late +in the evening, you have but few lady dancers left, but +do not interfere with the pleasure in others. If invited, +say that you do not wish to take the place of a guest +upon the floor, and introduce the gentleman who invites +you to some lady friend who dances.</p> + +<p>It is very pleasant in a dancing party to have ices +<em>alone</em>, handed round at about ten o'clock, having supper +set two or three hours later. They are very refreshing, +when it would be too early to have the more substantial +supper announced.</p> + +<p>It is very customary now, even in large parties, to +have no refreshments but ice-cream, lemonade, and cake, +or, in summer, fruit, cake, and ices. It is less troublesome, +as well as less expensive, than a hot supper, and +the custom will be a good one to adopt permanently.</p> + +<p>One word of warning to all hostesses. You can never +know, when you place wine or brandy before your guests, +whom you may be tempting to utter ruin. Better, far +better, to have a reputation as strict, or mean, than by +your example, or the temptation you offer, to have the +sin upon your soul of having put poison before those<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_52" id="Pg_52">[52]</a></span> +who partook of your hospitality. It is not necessary; +hospitality and generosity do not require it, and you +will have the approval of all who truly love you for +your good qualities, if you resolutely refuse to have +either wine or any other intoxicating liquor upon your +supper-table.</p> + +<p>If the evening of your party is stormy, let a waiter +stand in the vestibule with a <em>large</em> umbrella, to meet the +ladies at the carriage door, and protect them whilst +crossing the pavement and steps.</p> + +<p>When your guests take leave of you, it will be in the +drawing-room, and let that farewell be final. Do not accompany +them to the dressing-room, and never stop them +in the hall for a last word. Many ladies do not like to +display their "sortie du soirée" before a crowded room, +and you will be keeping their escort waiting. Say farewell +in the parlor, and do not repeat it.</p> + +<p>If your party is mixed, that is, conversation, dancing, +and music are all mingled, remember it is your place to +invite a guest to sing or play, and be careful not to offend +any amateur performers by forgetting to invite them +to favor the company. If they decline, never urge the +matter. If the refusal proceeds from unwillingness or +inability on that occasion, it is rude to insist; and if they +refuse for the sake of being urged, they will be justly +punished by a disappointment. If you have guests who, +performing badly, will expect an invitation to play, sacrifice +their desire to the good of the others, pass them by. +It is torture to listen to bad music.</p> + +<p>Do not ask a guest to sing or play more than once.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_53" id="Pg_53">[53]</a></span> +This is her fair share, and you have no right to tax her +too severely to entertain your other guests. If, however, +the performance is so pleasing that others ask for a +repetition, then you too may request it, thanking the performer +for the pleasure given.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_54" id="Pg_54">[54]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_VI" id="CHPTR_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI.<br /> +<span class="subttl">EVENING PARTIES.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">ETIQUETTE FOR THE GUEST.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>Upon receiving an invitation for an evening party, +answer it immediately, that your hostess may know for +how many guests she must provide. If, after accepting +an invitation, any unforeseen event prevents your keeping +the engagement, write a second note, containing your +regrets. The usual form is:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p><i>Miss G—— accepts with pleasure Miss S——'s polite +invitation for Monday next</i>;</p> + +<p class="center">or,</p> + +<p><i>Miss G—— regrets that a prior engagement will prevent +her accepting Miss S——'s kind invitation for Monday +evening.</i></p></div> + +<p>Punctuality is a mark of politeness, if your invitation +states the hour at which your hostess will be ready to +welcome you. Do not be more than half an hour later +than the time named, but if unavoidably detained, make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_55" id="Pg_55">[55]</a></span> +no apology when you meet your hostess; it will be in +bad taste to speak of your want of punctuality.</p> + +<p>When you arrive at your friend's house, do not stop +to speak to any one in the hall, or upon the stairs, but +go immediately to the dressing room. The gentleman +who accompanies you will go to the door of the lady's room, +leave you, to remove his own hat and over-coat, +and then return to the door to wait for you.</p> + +<p>In the dressing-room, do not push forward to the +mirror if you see that others are before you there. +Wait for your turn, then perform the needful arrangements +of your toilette quickly, and re-join your escort +as soon as possible. If you meet friends in the lady's-room, +do not stop there to chat; you keep your escort +waiting, and your friends will join you in the parlor a +few moments later.</p> + +<p>Avoid all confidential communications or private remarks +in the dressing-room. You may be overheard, +and give pain or cause annoyance by your untimely conversation.</p> + +<p>When you enter the parlor, go immediately to your +hostess, and speak to her; if the gentleman attending +you is a stranger to the lady of the house, introduce him, +and then join the other guests, as by delaying, to converse +too long with your hostess, you may prevent her +speaking to others who have arrived later than yourself.</p> + +<p>If you have no escort, you may with perfect propriety +send for the master of the house, to wait upon you from +the dressing-room to the parlor, and as soon as you have +spoken to the hostess, thank your host and release him, +as the same attention may be required by others.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_56" id="Pg_56">[56]</a></span> +Again, when alone, if you meet a friend in the dressing-room, +you may ask the privilege of entering the parlor +with her and her escort; or, if she also is alone, there is +no impropriety in <em>two</em> ladies going into the room unattended +by a gentleman.</p> + +<p>While you maintain a cheerful deportment, avoid loud +talking and laughing, and still more carefully avoid any +action or gesture that may attract attention and make +you conspicuous.</p> + +<p>When dressing for a party, while you show that you +honor the occasion by a tasteful dress, avoid glaring +colors, or any conspicuous ornament or style of costume.</p> + +<p>Avoid long tête-à-tête conversations; they are in bad +taste, and to hold confidential communication, especially +with gentlemen, is still worse.</p> + +<p>Do not make any display of affection for even your +dearest friend; kissing in public, or embracing, are in +bad taste. Walking with arms encircling waists, or +such demonstrative tokens of love, are marks of low +breeding.</p> + +<p>Avoid crossing the room alone, and never run, even +if you feel embarrassed, and wish to cross quickly.</p> + +<p>If you are a musician, and certain that you will confer +pleasure by a display of your talents, do not make a +show of reluctance when invited to play or sing. Comply +gracefully, and after one piece, leave the instrument. +Be careful to avoid the appearance of wishing to be invited, +and, above all, never hint that this would be +agreeable. If your hostess has requested you to bring +your notes, and you are dependent upon them, bring<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_57" id="Pg_57">[57]</a></span> +them, and quietly place them on the music stand, or, +still better, send them in the afternoon. It is a better +plan, if you are called upon frequently to contribute +in this way to the evening's amusement, to learn a +few pieces so as to play them perfectly well without +notes.</p> + +<p>Never attempt any piece before company, unless you +are certain that you can play it without mistake or hesitation. +When you have finished your song or piece, +rise instantly from the piano stool, as your hostess +may wish to invite another guest to take the place. +If you have a reason for declining to play, do so +decidedly when first invited, and do not change your +decision.</p> + +<p>If your hostess or any of the family play for the +guests to dance, it is both polite and kind to offer to relieve +them; and if truly polite themselves, they will not +take advantage of the offer, to <em>over</em> tax your good +nature.</p> + +<p>When others are playing or singing, listen quietly and +attentively; to laugh or talk loudly when there is music +in the room, is rude, both toward the performer and your +hostess. If you are conversing at the time the music +begins, and you find that your companion is not disposed +to listen to the performer at the harp or piano, converse +in a low tone, and take a position at some distance from +the instrument.</p> + +<p>If the rooms are not large enough for all the guests +to dance at one time, do not dance every set, even if invited. +It is ill-bred and selfish.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_58" id="Pg_58">[58]</a></span> +When you go up to supper, do not accept anything +from any gentleman but the one who has escorted you +from the parlor. If others offer you, as they probably +will, any refreshment, say that Mr. —— (naming your +escort) has gone to get you what you desire. He has a +right to be offended, if, after telling him what you wish +for, he returns to find you already supplied. It is quite as +rude to offer what he brings to another lady. Her escort +is probably on the same errand from which yours +has just returned. It may seem trivial and childish to +warn a lady against putting cakes or bon-bons in her +pocket at supper, yet it is often done by those who would +deeply resent the accusation of rudeness or meanness. +It is not only ill-bred, but it gives rise, if seen, to suspicions +that you are so little accustomed to society, or so +starved at home, that you are ignorant of the forms +of etiquette, or are forced to the theft by positive +hunger.</p> + +<p>If you are obliged to leave the company at an earlier +hour than the other guests, say so to your hostess in a +low tone, when you have an opportunity, and then stay +a short time in the room, and slip out unperceived. +By a formal leave-taking, you may lead others to +suppose the hour later than it is in reality, and thus deprive +your hostess of other guests, who, but for your +example, would have remained longer. French leave +is preferable to a formal leave-taking upon such occasions.</p> + +<p>If you remain until the usual hour for breaking +up, go to your hostess before you leave the room, express +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_59" id="Pg_59">[59]</a></span> +the pleasure you have enjoyed, and bid her +farewell.</p> + +<p>Within the next week, you should call upon your +hostess, if it is the first party you have attended at her +house. If she is an intimate friend, the call should be +made within a fortnight.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_60" id="Pg_60">[60]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_VII" id="CHPTR_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII.<br /> +<span class="subttl">VISITING.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">ETIQUETTE FOR THE HOSTESS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>When you write to invite a friend to visit you, name +a time when it will be convenient and agreeable for you +to receive her, and if she accepts your invitation, so arrange +your duties and engagements that they will not +interfere with your devoting the principal part of your +time to the entertainment of your guest. If you have +certain duties which must be performed daily, say so +frankly when she first arrives, and see that during the +time you are so occupied she has work, reading, music, +or some other employment, to pass the time away +pleasantly.</p> + +<p>Have a room prepared especially for her use, and let +her occupy it alone. Many persons have a dislike to +any one sleeping with them, and will be kept awake by +a companion in the room or bed. Above all, do not put +a child to sleep in the chamber with your guest.</p> + +<p>The day before your friend arrives, have her room +swept, dusted, and aired; put clean, fresh linen upon the +bed, see that the curtains are in good order, the locks in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_61" id="Pg_61">[61]</a></span> +perfect repair, and the closet or wardrobe and bureau +empty for her clothes. Have upon the bureau a pin +cushion well filled, hair pins, brush and comb, and two +mirrors, one large, and one small for the hand, as she +may wish to smooth her hair, without unpacking her own +toilet articles. Upon the washstand, have two pitchers +full of water, a cup, tumbler, soap-dish and soap, basin, +brush-dish, and a sponge, wash rag, and plenty of clean +towels.</p> + +<p>Have both a feather bed and a mattress upon the bedstead, +that she may place whichever she prefers uppermost. +Two sheets, a blanket, quilt, and counterpane, +should be on the bed, and there should be two extra +blankets in the room, should she require more covering +in the night.</p> + +<p>On the mantel piece, place a few books that she may +read, if she wishes, before sleeping. Have upon the +mantel piece a box of matches, and if the room is not +lighted by gas, have also a supply of candles in a box, +and a candlestick.</p> + +<p>If the room is not heated by a furnace, be careful that +the fire is made every morning before she rises, and keep +a good supply of fuel in the room.</p> + +<p>Besides the larger chairs, have a low one, to use while +changing the shoes or washing the feet.</p> + +<p>Upon the table, place a full supply of writing materials, +as your guest may wish to send word of her safe +arrival before unpacking her own writing-desk. Put +two or three postage stamps upon this table.</p> + +<p>Be sure that bells, locks, hinges, and windows, are all +in perfect order.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_62" id="Pg_62">[62]</a></span> +Before your guest arrives, go to her room. If it is in +winter, have a good fire, hot water on the washstand, +and see that the windows are tightly closed, and the +room cheerful with sunshine, or plenty of candle or gas +light. If in summer, draw the curtains, bow the shutters, +open the windows, and have a fan upon the table. It is +well to have a bath ready, should your guest desire that +refreshment after the dust and heat of traveling.</p> + +<p>When the time arrives at which you may expect your +guest, send a carriage to the station to meet her, and, if +possible, go yourself, or send some member of the family +to welcome her there. After her baggage is on the carriage, +drive immediately to the house, and be certain all +is ready there for her comfort.</p> + +<p>As soon as she is at your house, have her trunks carried +immediately to her own room, and lead her there +yourself. Then, after warmly assuring her how welcome +she is, leave her alone to change her dress, bathe, or lie +down if she wishes. If her journey has been a long +one, and it is not the usual hour for your next meal, +have a substantial repast ready for her about half an +hour after her arrival, with tea or coffee.</p> + +<p>If she arrives late at night, after she has removed her +bonnet and bathed her face, invite her to partake of a +substantial supper, and then pity her weariness and lead +the way to her room. She may politely assert that she +can still sit up and talk, but be careful you do not keep +her up too long; and do not waken her in the morning. +After the first day, she will, of course, desire to breakfast +at your usual hour, but if she has had a long, fatiguing +journey, she will be glad to sleep late the first<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_63" id="Pg_63">[63]</a></span> +day. Be careful that she has a hot breakfast ready +when she does rise, and take a seat at the table to wait +upon her.</p> + +<p>After the chambermaid has arranged the guest-chamber +in the morning, go in yourself and see that all is in +order, and comfortable, and that there is plenty of fresh +water and towels, the bed properly made, and the room +dusted. Then do not go in again through the day, unless +invited. If you are constantly running in, to put a +chair back, open or shut the windows, or arrange the +furniture, you will entirely destroy the pleasantest part +of your guest's visit, by reminding her that she is not +at home, and must not take liberties, even in her own +room. It looks, too, as if you were afraid to trust her, +and thought she would injure the furniture.</p> + +<p>If you have children, forbid them to enter the room +your friend occupies, unless she invites them to do so, or +they are sent there with a message.</p> + +<p>If your household duties will occupy your time for +some hours in the morning, introduce your guest to the +piano, book-case, or picture-folio, and place all at her +service. When your duties are finished, either join her +in her own room, or invite her to sit with you, and work, +chatting, meanwhile, together. If you keep your own +carriage, place it at her disposal as soon as she arrives.</p> + +<p>If she is a stranger in the city, accompany her to the +points of interest she may wish to visit, and also offer to +show her where to find the best goods, should she wish +to do any shopping.</p> + +<p>Enquire of your visitor if there is any particular habit +she may wish to indulge in, such as rising late, retiring<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_64" id="Pg_64">[64]</a></span> +early, lying down in the daytime, or any other habit that +your family do not usually follow. If there is, arrange +it so that she may enjoy her peculiarity in comfort. If +there is any dish which is distasteful to her, avoid placing +it upon the table during her visit, and if she mentions, +in conversation, any favorite dish, have it frequently +placed before her.</p> + +<p>If she is accustomed to eat just before retiring, and +your family do not take supper, see that something is +sent to her room every night.</p> + +<p>If your friend has intimate friends in the same city, +beside yourself, it is an act of kindly courtesy to invite +them to dinner, tea, or to pass a day, and when calls are +made, and you see that it would be pleasant, invite the +caller to remain to dinner or tea.</p> + +<p>Never accept any invitation, either to a party, ball, or +public entertainment, that does not include your guest. +In answering the invitation give that as your reason for +declining, when another note will be sent enclosing an +invitation for her. If the invitation is from an intimate +friend, say, in answering it, that your guest is with you, +and that she will accompany you.</p> + +<p>It is a mistaken idea to suppose that hospitality and +courtesy require <em>constant</em> attention to a guest. There +are times when she may prefer to be alone, either to +write letters, to read, or practice. Some ladies follow +a guest from one room to another, never leaving them +alone for a single instant, when they would enjoy an hour +or two in the library or at the piano, but do not like to +say so.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_65" id="Pg_65">[65]</a></span> +The best rule is to make your guest feel that she is +heartily welcome, and perfectly at home.</p> + +<p>When she is ready to leave you, see that her trunks +are strapped in time by the servants, have a carriage +ready to take her to the station, have the breakfast or +dinner at an hour that will suit her, prepare a luncheon +for her to carry, and let some gentleman in the family +escort her to the wharf, check her trunks, and procure +her tickets.</p> + +<p>If your guest is in mourning, decline any invitations +to parties or places of amusement whilst she is with you. +Show her by such little attentions that you sympathize +in her recent affliction, and that the pleasure of her society, +and the love you bear her, make such sacrifices of +gayety trifling, compared with the sweet duty of comforting +her.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_66" id="Pg_66">[66]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_VIII" id="CHPTR_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII.<br /> +<span class="subttl">VISITING.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">ETIQUETTE FOR THE GUEST.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>As a first rule with regard to paying a visit, the best +one is, never to accept a <em>general</em> invitation. Instances +are very common where women (I cannot say <em>ladies</em>) +have, upon a slight acquaintance, and a "When you are +in C—— I should be very happy to have you visit me," +actually gone to C—— from their own home, and, with +bag and baggage, quartered themselves upon the hospitality +of their newly made friend, for weeks at a time.</p> + +<p>Even where there is a long standing friendship it is +not well to visit uninvited. It is impossible for you, in +another city, to know exactly when it will be convenient +for your friend to have you visit her, unless she tells you, +and that will, of course, be a special invitation.</p> + +<p>If your friends are really desirous to have you pay +them a visit, they will name a time when it will be convenient +and agreeable to have you come, and you may +accept the invitation with the certainty that you will not +incommode them.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_67" id="Pg_67">[67]</a></span> +Self-proposed visits are still worse. You, in a manner, +force an invitation from your friend when you tell +her that you can come at a certain time, unless you have +previously arranged to let her know when you can be her +guest. In that case, your own time is understood to be +the most agreeable for her.</p> + +<p>If, whilst traveling, you pass through a town where +you have friends whom you wish to visit, and who would +be hurt if you omitted to do so, go first to a hotel, and +either call or send word that you are there. Then, it is +optional with them to extend their hospitality or not. +Do not be offended if it is not done. The love for you +may be undiminished, and the desire to entertain you +very great, yet family reasons may render such an invitation +as you expect, impossible. Your friend may have +engagements or duties at the time, that would prevent +her making the visit pleasant for you, and wish to postpone +the invitation until she can entertain you as she +wishes.</p> + +<p>To drive, trunks and all, in such a case, to your +friend's house, without a word of warning, is unkind, as +well as ill-bred. You force her to invite you to stay, +when it may be inconvenient, and, even if she is really +glad to see you, and wishes you to make a prolonged +visit, you may feel certain she would have preferred to +know you were coming. If she really loves you, her +natural desire would be to have everything ready to give +you a comfortable reception, and not have to leave you, +perhaps with your traveling costume on, for an hour or +two, while she prepares a room for you. It is not enough +to say, at such a time, "Don't mind me," or, "Treat me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_68" id="Pg_68">[68]</a></span> +as one of the family." However much her politeness +or love may conceal annoyance, be sure, in her secret +heart she <em>does</em> mind you, and remember you are <em>not</em> one +of her private family.</p> + +<p>To take the liberty of going to the house of a mere +acquaintance, for a night or two, while traveling, without +invitation, is making a convenience of them, and wears +the appearance of wishing to save the customary hotel-bill, +so, while it is extremely ill-bred and impertinent, it +is also excessively mean.</p> + +<p>In case of relationship, or long intimate friendship, an +unexpected visit may be pardoned and give pleasure, but +it is better to avoid it, as the pleasure will surely be increased +if your relative or friend has time to prepare for +your reception as her love will prompt, and arrange her +duties and engagements to really enjoy your company.</p> + +<p>When you receive an invitation by letter to visit a +friend, answer it immediately, thanking her for her +proffered hospitality, and say decidedly then whether +you can accept or decline.</p> + +<p>If you accept the invitation, state in your letter by +what train, and at what hour you will arrive, that she +may meet you, and let nothing but positive necessity +keep you from being punctually at the time and place +appointed. To linger by the way, for mere pleasure, and +make her come several times to meet you, is unkind, as +well as ill-bred. If you are unavoidably detained, write +to her, state the reason that will prevent your keeping +the appointment, and name another time when you can +come.</p> + +<p>It is well in answering a letter of invitation, to state<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_69" id="Pg_69">[69]</a></span> +the limits of your visit, and then to keep them. If she +is unwilling to let you go, and you are tempted to stay, +that very fact promises well for the pleasure of a second +visit. It is better to leave while all will regret you, +than to linger on until you have worn out your welcome.</p> + +<p>Inquire, as soon as possible after your arrival, what +are the regular habits of the family; the hours for rising, +for meals, and for retiring, and then be punctual in your +attendance. Many ladies are very ceremonious about +waiting for a guest, and by delay in your room, or inattention +to the time, when you are out, you will keep the +whole family waiting.</p> + +<p>If you do not wake early enough for the usual breakfast +hour, request the chambermaid to knock at your +door in time for you to be ready to go down with the +family. Before you leave your room in the morning, +take the clothes off your bed, throw the upper bed over +the foot-board, and then open all the windows (unless it +storms), that room and bed may be thoroughly aired before +you sit there again.</p> + +<p>After breakfast, ask your hostess if you can be of any +assistance to her in the household duties. If she declines +your services, do not follow her from room to room +whilst she is thus engaged, but take your work, books, +or music to the sitting room or parlor, until your own +room is ready for you. By thus proving that you can +occupy yourself pleasantly, while she is away, you make +it less annoying to her to feel the obligation to leave +you.</p> + +<p>As soon as you see that she is ready to sew and chat, +leave your book, or, if in your own room, come to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_70" id="Pg_70">[70]</a></span> +sitting room, where she is, and work with her. It is +polite and kind, if you see that she has a large supply +of family sewing, to offer to assist her, but if she positively +declines your aid, then have some work of your +own on hand, that you may sew with her. Many pleasant +mornings may be spent while visiting, by one lady reading +aloud whilst the other sews, alternating the work.</p> + +<p>It is a pretty compliment to repay the hospitality of +your hostess, by working whilst with her upon some +piece of fancy work, a chair cover, sofa cushion, or pair +of ottomans, presenting them to her when finished, as a +keepsake. They will be duly appreciated, and remind +her constantly of the pleasures of your visit.</p> + +<p>If you pass the morning out of the house, remember +your time is hers, and have no engagement to interfere +with the plans she has laid for entertaining you. Observe +this rule during your whole visit, and do not act independent +of her plans. By constantly forming engagements +without her knowledge, going out without her, or +staying in when she has made some excursion or party +for your pleasure, you insult her, by intimating that her +house is no more to you than a hotel, to sleep and eat in, +while your pleasures lie elsewhere.</p> + +<p>After dinner, retire for an hour to your own room, +that your hostess may lie down if she is accustomed to +do so. If the hours kept are later than you have been +accustomed to, or if the gayety of the family keeps you +out at party or opera, it is best to sleep after dinner, +even if you do not always do it. To give signs of weariness +in the evening will be excessively rude, implying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_71" id="Pg_71">[71]</a></span> +want of enjoyment, and making your hostess feel hurt +and annoyed.</p> + +<p>If you have shopping to do, find out where the best +stores are, and then go to them alone, unless your hostess +will accompany you upon similar business of her own. +Do not tax her good nature to go, merely for the sake +of aiding you as guide. If one of the children in the +family is familiar with the stores and streets, ask her to +accompany you, and be careful to acknowledge the kindness +by buying something especially for the child whilst +she is out with you, if it is only some cakes or bonbons. +Choose an hour when you are certain your hostess has +made no other engagement for you, or while she is busy +in her domestic duties, for these shopping excursions. +Offer, when you are going, to attend to any shopping she +may want, and ask if there is any commission you can +execute for her while you are out.</p> + +<p>While on a visit to one friend, do not accept too many +invitations from others, and avoid spending too much +time in paying calls where your hostess is not acquainted. +You owe the greater portion of your time and society to +the lady whose hospitality you are accepting, and it is +best to decline invitations from other houses, unless they +inclose one for your hostess also.</p> + +<p>Avoid paying any visits in a family not upon good +terms with your hostess. If such a family are very dear +friends of your own, or you can claim an acquaintance, +pleasant upon both sides, with them, write, and state +candidly the reason why you cannot visit them, and they +will appreciate your delicacy.</p> + +<p>If, while on a visit to one friend, you receive an invitation +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_72" id="Pg_72">[72]</a></span> +to spend some time with another friend in the same +place, accept it for the period which you have named as +the termination of your first visit. You insult your +hostess by shortening your visit to her to accept another +invitation, and quite as much of an insult is it, to take +the time from the first visit to go to pay another, and +then return to your first hostess, unless such an arrangement +has been made immediately upon your arrival.</p> + +<p>Never invite any friend who may call upon you to +stay to dinner or tea; you will be taking a most unwarrantable +liberty in so doing. This is the right of +your hostess, and if, by her silence, she tacitly declines +extending this courtesy, you will be guilty of impertinence +in usurping her privilege.</p> + +<p>Never take any one who calls upon you into any room +but the parlor, unless invited to do so by your hostess. +You have, of course, the <i>entrée</i> of other rooms, but you +have no right to extend this privilege to others.</p> + +<p>If you have many gentlemen visiters, check too frequent +calls, and make no appointments with them. If +they show you any such attention as to offer to drive you +to places of interest, or visit with you picture galleries or +public places, always consult your hostess before accepting +such civilities, and decline them if she has made +other engagements for you. If you receive an invitation +to visit any place of public amusement, decline it, unless +one of the family with whom you are staying is also invited. +In that case you may accept. If the gentleman +who invites you is a stranger to the family, introduce +him to your hostess, or mention her name in conversation. +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_73" id="Pg_73">[73]</a></span> +He will then, if he really desires you to accept +his proffered attention, include her in the invitation.</p> + +<p>When visiting in a family where the members are in +mourning, decline all invitations to parties or places of +public amusement. It is an insult to them to leave them +to join in pleasure from which their recent affliction excludes +them. Your visit at such a time will be prompted +by sympathy in their trouble, and for the time it is +thoughtful and delicate to make their sorrows yours.</p> + +<p>If sudden sickness or family trouble come to your +friend whilst you are with her, <em>unless you can really be +useful</em>, shorten your visit. In time of trouble families +generally like to be alone, all in all to each other; and a +visitor is felt a constant restraint.</p> + +<p>If death comes while you are with your friend, endeavor +to take from her as much of the care as you can, +a really sympathizing friend is an inexpressible comfort +at such a time, as the trying details which must be taken +in charge by some one, will be less trying to her than to +a member of the family. Do the necessary shopping for +your friend, and relieve her of as much family care as +you can. Let her feel that you are really glad that you +are near her in her affliction, and repay the hospitality +she offered in her season of joy by showing her that her +sorrow makes her still more dear, and that, while you +can enjoy the gayety of her house, you will not flee from +its mourning. When your presence can be of no further +service, then leave her.</p> + +<p>Put out your washing and ironing when on a visit. It +is annoying and ill-bred to throw your soiled clothes into +the family wash.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_74" id="Pg_74">[74]</a></span> +Take with you, from home, all the writing and sewing +materials you may require while paying your visit. It +is annoying to be constantly requested by a visitor to +lend her scissors, pins, needles, or paper; no lady should +be without her own portfolio and work-box.</p> + +<p>Be very careful not to injure any article of furniture +in your sleeping apartment, and if, unfortunately, anything +suffers from your carelessness, have the accident +repaired, or the article replaced, at your own expense.</p> + +<p>When your visit is over, give a present to each of the +servants, varying its value, according to the length of +your visit or the services you may have required. You +will add to the pleasure by presenting such gifts yourself, +with a few pleasant words.</p> + +<p>Never compare the house you may be visiting with +your own, or any other you may visit. Avoid also +speaking of any house where you may have been a guest +in terms of overpraise, giving glowing pictures of its +splendor. Your hostess may imagine you are drawing +comparisons unfavorable to your present residence. +Also avoid speaking unfavorably of any former visit, as +your hostess will naturally conclude that her turn for +censure will come as soon as your visit is over.</p> + +<p>If any family secret comes to your knowledge while +you are on a visit in that family, remember the hospitality +extended to you binds you to the most inviolable +secrecy. It is mean, contemptible, rude, and ill-bred to +make your entertainers regret their hospitality by betraying +any such confidence; for it is as sacred a confidence +as if you were bound over to silence in the most +solemn manner.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_75" id="Pg_75">[75]</a></span> +After paying a visit, you should write to your hostess +as soon as you reach home again; thank her in this letter +for her hospitality, speak warmly of the enjoyment +you have had in your recent visit, and mention by name +every member of the family, desiring to be remembered +to all.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_76" id="Pg_76">[76]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_IX" id="CHPTR_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX.<br /> +<span class="subttl">MORNING RECEPTIONS OR CALLS.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">ETIQUETTE FOR THE HOSTESS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>If your circle of visiting acquaintance is very large, +while at the same time your time is fully occupied, or +your home duties make it inconvenient to dress every +morning to receive visitors, it is a good plan to set aside +one morning in the week for a reception day.</p> + +<p>Upon your own visiting cards, below the name, put +the day when it will be proper to return the visit, thus:</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="center"> +<span class="smcap">Mrs. James Hunter.</span><br /> +<span class="smcapuc p-l14">AT HOME WEDNESDAYS.</span><br /> +<span class="p-r6"><i>No.</i> 1718 <i>C—— st.</i></span></p> +</div> + +<p>Your friends will, unless there is some especial reason +for a call in the interval, pay their visit upon the day +named.</p> + +<p>Let nothing, but the most imperative duty, call you +out upon your reception day. Your callers are, in a +measure, invited guests, and it will be an insulting mark<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_77" id="Pg_77">[77]</a></span> +of rudeness to be out when they call. Neither can you +be excused, except in case of sickness.</p> + +<p>Having appointed the day when you will be at home +to see your friends, you must, for that day, prepare to +give your time wholly to them. The usual hours for +morning receptions are from twelve to three, and you +should be dressed, and ready for callers, at least half an +hour before that time.</p> + +<p>To come in, flushed from a hurried toilette, to meet +your first callers, is unbecoming as well as rude.</p> + +<p>Your dress should be handsome, but not showy. A +silk or cashmere wrapper, richly trimmed, over an embroidered +skirt, with a pretty cap, or the hair neatly arranged +without head-dress, is a becoming and appropriate +dress. Still better is a rich but plain silk, made high +in the neck, with long sleeves. Wear a handsomely +embroidered, or lace collar, and sleeves, and a rather +dressy cap, or, still better, the hair alone, prettily arranged.</p> + +<p>As each visitor arrives, rise, and advance part of the +way to meet her. If gentlemen, rise, but do not advance.</p> + +<p>It is not customary now to introduce callers at these +morning receptions, though you can do so with perfect +propriety where you know such an introduction will be +agreeable to both parties.</p> + +<p>In introducing a gentleman to a lady, address her +first, as—</p> + +<p>"Miss Jones, permit me to introduce Mr. Lee;" and, +when introducing a young lady to a matron, you introduce +the younger one to the elder, as—</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_78" id="Pg_78">[78]</a></span> +"Mrs. Green, allow me to introduce to you my friend, +Miss Brown."</p> + +<p>In introducing strangers in the city it is well to name +the place of their residence, as—Mr. James of Germany, +or, Mr. Brown of New York, or, if they have recently +returned from abroad, it is well to say so, as, Mr. +Lee, lately from India; this is useful in starting conversation.</p> + +<p>Be careful, when introducing your friends, to pronounce +the name of each one clearly and distinctly, that +there may be no mistake or necessity for repetition.</p> + +<p>It is a good plan, if your receptions are usually largely +attended, to have books and pictures on the centre table, +and scattered about your parlors. You must, of course, +converse with each caller, but many will remain in the +room for a long time, and these trifles are excellent +pastime, and serve as subjects for conversation.</p> + +<p>It requires much tact to know when to introduce +friends, when to take refuge under the shield fashion offers, +and not make them acquainted with each other. +It is a positive cruelty to force a talented, witty person, +to converse with one who is ignorant and dull, as they +will, of course, be obliged to do, if introduced.</p> + +<p>A well-bred lady, who is receiving several visitors at +a time, pays equal attention to all, and attempts, as +much as possible, to generalize the conversation, turning +to all in succession. The last arrival, however, receives +a little more attention at first, than the others.</p> + +<p>If it is not agreeable to you to set aside a day for the +especial reception of callers, and you have a large circle<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_79" id="Pg_79">[79]</a></span> +of acquaintances, be ready to receive them each day +that you are at home.</p> + +<p>If you are engaged, let the servant say so when she +opens the door, and do not send down that message +after your friend has been admitted. If she is told +when she arrives that you are engaged, she will understand +that you are denied to <em>all</em> callers, but if that +message comes after she has sent up her card, she may +draw the inference that you will not see <em>her</em>, though you +may see other friends.</p> + +<p>Never keep a caller waiting whilst you make an elaborate +toilette. If you are not ready for visitors, it is +best to enter the parlor in your wrapper, apologizing for +it, than to keep your friend waiting whilst you change +your dress.</p> + +<p>If a stranger calls, bringing a letter of introduction, +and sends the letter, you may read it before going down +stairs, but if they wait till you are in the parlor before +presenting the letter, merely glance at the signature and +at the name of your caller; do not read the letter +through, unless it is very short, or you are requested by +the bearer to do so.</p> + +<p>If you have a friend staying with you, invite her to +join you in the parlor when you have callers, and introduce +her to your friends.</p> + +<p>If you wish to invite a caller to stay to luncheon or +dinner, give the invitation as soon as you have exchanged +greetings, not after she has been seated for some time. +In the latter case it appears like an after thought, not, +as in the former, as if from a real desire to have the +pleasure of her company.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_80" id="Pg_80">[80]</a></span> +If you have but one caller at a time, rise when she +does, and accompany her to the vestibule; but, if there +are several in the room, rise when each one does, +but only accompany them to the parlor door; there take +leave of them, and return to those who still remain +seated.</p> + +<p>If, after affliction, your friends call before you are able +to see them, do not fear to give offence by declining to +receive them. They will respect your sorrow, and the +call is made more to show their sympathy than from a +desire to converse with you.</p> + +<p>Visits of condolence, paid between the death of one +of your family and the day of the funeral, you may +always excuse yourself from, with perfect propriety. +They are made in kindness, and show interest, but if +you decline seeing such callers, there is no offence given.</p> + +<p>In parting from a gentleman caller, rise when he does, +and remain standing until he leaves the room, but do not +go towards the door.</p> + +<p>When a gentleman calls in the morning he will not +remove his outside coat, and will hold his hat in his +hand. Never offer to take the latter, and do not invite +him to remove his coat. Take no notice of either one +or the other.</p> + +<p>If strangers in the city call upon you, enquire at what +hotel they are staying, and how long they will be there, +that you may return their call before they leave town.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_81" id="Pg_81">[81]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_X" id="CHPTR_X"></a>CHAPTER X.<br /> +<span class="subttl">MORNING RECEPTIONS OR CALLS.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">ETIQUETTE FOR THE CALLER.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>The usual hours for paying morning calls are between +eleven and two, or twelve and three, and all calls of ceremony +should be made between these hours.</p> + +<p>Never, in paying a ceremonious call, stay more than +twenty minutes, or less than ten. If your hostess has +several other visitors at the same time that you are in her +parlor, make your visit short, that she may have more +attention to bestow upon others.</p> + +<p>After you have received an invitation to a party, call +within a week or fortnight after the evening, whether +you have accepted or declined the invitation. If you +have declined on account of mourning, the excuse extends +also to the call.</p> + +<p>When the servant answers your ring, hand in your +card. If your friend is out or engaged, leave the card, +and if she is in, send it up. Never call without cards. +You may offend your friend, as she may never hear of +your call, if she is out at the time, and you trust to the +memory of the servant.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_82" id="Pg_82">[82]</a></span> +If your friend is at home, after sending your card up +to her by the servant, go into the parlor to wait for her. +Sit down quietly, and do not leave your seat until you +rise to meet her as she enters the room. To walk about +the parlor, examining the ornaments and pictures, is ill-bred. +It is still more unlady-like to sit down and turn +over to read the cards in her card basket. If she keeps +you waiting for a long time, you may take a book from +the centre-table to pass away the interval.</p> + +<p>Never, while waiting in a friend's parlor, go to the +piano and play till she comes. This is a breach of good-breeding +often committed, and nothing can be more ill-bred. +You may be disturbing an invalid unawares, or +you may prevent your friend, if she has children, from +coming down stairs at all, by waking the baby.</p> + +<p>If you are a stranger in the city, and bring a letter of +introduction to your hostess, send this letter up stairs +with your card, that she may read it, and know how to +welcome you when she comes down stairs. In this case, +write upon the card the name of the hotel at which you +are staying, and mention in the course of conversation, +how long you will be in the city.</p> + +<p>If you have a visitor, and desire to introduce her to +your friends, you may invite her to accompany you when +paying calls.</p> + +<p>In making a call for condolence, it is sufficient to leave +a card with your enquiries for the health of your friend, +and offers of service. The same if calling upon invalids, +if they are too ill to see you.</p> + +<p>In visits of congratulation, go in, and be hearty in +your expressions of interest and sympathy. Pay visits,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_83" id="Pg_83">[83]</a></span> +both of condolence and congratulation, within a week +after the event which calls for them occurs.</p> + +<p>It is proper, when you have already made your call of +the usual length, and another caller is announced, to rise +and leave, not immediately, as if you shunned the new +arrival, but after a moment or two. Never out-sit two +or three parties of visitors, unless you have private business +with your hostess which cannot be postponed. Many +denounce the system of morning calls as silly, frivolous, +and a waste of time. They are wrong. It may be +carried to an excess, and so admit of these objections, +but in moderation the custom is a good and pleasant one. +You have then an opportunity of making friends of mere +acquaintances, and you can, in a pleasant chat with a +friend at home, have more real enjoyment in her society +than in a dozen meetings in large companies, with all the +formality and restraint of a party thrown around you. +There are many subjects of conversation which are +pleasant in a parlor, tête-à-tête with a friend, which you +would not care to discuss in a crowded saloon, or in the +street. Personal inquiries, private affairs can be cosily +chatted over.</p> + +<p>In paying your visits of condolence, show, by your own +quiet gravity, that you sympathize in the recent affliction +of your friend. Though you may endeavor to comfort +and cheer her, you must avoid a gay or careless air, as it +will be an insult at such a time. Avoid any allusion to +the past that may be trying for her to hear or answer, +yet do not ignore the subject entirely, as that appears +like a want of interest in it. Though you may feel +happy, avoid parading your own joyousness at such a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_84" id="Pg_84">[84]</a></span> +time; whatever your own feeling may be, respect the +sorrow of another.</p> + +<p>Never sit gazing curiously around the room when paying +a call, as if taking a mental inventory of the furniture. +It is excessively rude. It is still worse to +appear to notice any disorder or irregularity that may +occur.</p> + +<p>If, while paying a call, you perceive that any unforeseen +matter in the family, calls for the attention of the +lady of the house, leave instantly, no matter how short +your call has been. Your friend may not appear to +notice the screams of a child, a noise in the kitchen, or +the cry from the nursery that the fire board has caught +fire, but you may be sure she does hear it, and though +too well-bred to speak of it, will heartily rejoice to say +good-bye.</p> + +<p>Do not take a child with you to pay calls, until it is +old enough to behave quietly and with propriety. To +have a troublesome child constantly touching the parlor +ornaments, balancing itself on the back of a chair, leaning +from a window, or performing any of the thousand +tricks in which children excel, is an annoyance, both to +yourself and your hostess.</p> + +<p>Make no remark upon the temperature of the room, or +its arrangement, when you enter it. Never open or shut +a window or door without asking permission, and unless +really suffering from excessive heat or cold, refrain from +asking leave to take this liberty.</p> + +<p>If you are invited to go up stairs to your friend's private +apartment, you will, of course, accept the invitation, +but never go up stairs uninvited. When you reach her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_85" id="Pg_85">[85]</a></span> +door, if the servant has not preceded and announced you, +knock, and await her invitation to enter. Then, once +in, take no notice of the room, but go instantly to your +friend. If she is sewing, do not speak of the nature of +her work, but request her to continue, as if you were not +present.</p> + +<p>In cases of long standing friendship, you will not, of +course, stand upon the ceremony of waiting for each and +every one of your calls to be returned before paying +another, but be careful that you are not too lavish of +your visits. The most cordial welcome may be worn +threadbare, if it is called into use <em>too</em> often.</p> + +<p>If you are visiting an invalid, or one confined by +physical infirmity to one apartment, while you are cheerful +and ready to impart all the news that will interest +them, do not, by too glowing descriptions of out-door +pleasures, make them feel more keenly their own deprivations. +It is well, when making such calls, to converse +upon literature, or such general subjects as will not remind +them of their misfortune.</p> + +<p>In cases where, from long illness or other infirmity, a +gentleman friend is confined entirely to his room, you +may, with perfect propriety, call upon him. It is both +polite and kind to do so, as otherwise he would be +deprived entirely of the society of his lady friends. +Many thus unfortunately situated, from study and reading +while so shut out from the world, become the most +delightful companions.</p> + +<p>If, when you make a call, you unfortunately intrude +upon an early dinner hour, do not go in, but leave your +card, and say that you will call again.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_86" id="Pg_86">[86]</a></span> +If you call upon two ladies who are boarding at the +same house, do not send up your card to both at the +same time. If one is out, send a card to her room, and +then send up for the other. If the first one is in, wait +till she comes down, and then chat as long as a call +usually lasts. When you rise as if to take leave, accompany +your friend to the parlor door, then tell her +that you are going to send up for your other friend. +She will bid you good-morning, and go to her own room; +ring the bell after she leaves you, and send your card by +the waiter to your other friend.</p> + +<p>In calling at a hotel, enter by the ladies' door, and +send your card to the room of your friend by the waiter. +It is well, if you are calling upon an entire stranger, to +choose a seat, and tell the waiter to say to the lady +exactly where she will find you. She will probably +enter with your card in her hand; then rise, greet her +by name, and introduce yourself. If you speak to +another stranger upon the same errand as the one you +expect, the error will be instantly perceived by the difference +in name. If a stranger, bringing a letter of introduction, +sends the letter with her card, instead of +calling, courtesy requires you to make the first call, immediately; +the same day that you receive the letter, if +possible, if not, the day after.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_87" id="Pg_87">[87]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XI" id="CHPTR_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI.<br /> +<span class="subttl">DINNER COMPANY.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">ETIQUETTE FOR THE HOSTESS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>In issuing invitations for a large dinner party, the +usual form is—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p><i>Mr. and Mrs. G—— request the favor of Mr. and +Mrs. L——'s company to dinner, on Wednesday, March +8th, at —— o'clock.</i></p> +</div> + +<p>If your husband is giving a party to gentlemen only, +he will have a card printed or written for the occasion, +but your duties as hostess, if he wishes you to preside, +will still be as arduous as if your own friends were included +in the invitation.</p> + +<p>The directions given in the chapter on "<a href="#CHPTR_V">Evening parties</a>" +for the arrangement of the parlor and the dressing-rooms, +will apply here equally well, but the dining-room +(in this case the centre of attraction) requires still more +careful attention. Any fault here will mar your own +comfort and the pleasure of your guests, and must be +carefully avoided.</p> + +<p>Send out your invitations by a servant, or man hired<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_88" id="Pg_88">[88]</a></span> +for the purpose; do not trust them to despatch or penny +post.</p> + +<p>Be careful in selecting the guests for a dinner party. +Remember that conversation will be the sole entertainment +for several hours, and if your guests are not well +chosen, your dinner, no matter how perfect or costly the +viands, will prove a failure. The most agreeable dinners +are those whose numbers will allow all the guests to join +in a common conversation, and where the host has spirit +and intelligence to take the lead, and start a new subject +when the interest in the old one begins to flag. Dinners +where the guests depend entirely upon the person next +them for conversation, are apt to be stupid, as it requires +marvelous tact to pair off all the couples, so that every +one will be entertaining in tête-à-tête conversation.</p> + +<p>To give a good dinner, your means, room, and establishment +must all be taken into consideration when you +are preparing for a dinner company. If you invite a +large number, you must increase your establishment for +the occasion, as to sit down to a dinner badly served, +with a scarcity of waiters, is tiresome, and shows little +tact or grace on the part of the hostess.</p> + +<p>One cook cannot prepare dinner properly for more +than ten persons, and three waiters will find ample employment +in waiting upon the same number. More than +this number will require a table too large for general, +easy conversation, and throw your company into couples +or trios, for entertainment.</p> + +<p>Have your table spread in a room that will accommodate +all the guests comfortably, at the same time avoid +putting a small social party in a large room, where they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_89" id="Pg_89">[89]</a></span> +will appear lost in the space around them. Let the +room be comfortably warmed, and if your dinner is late, +have the apartments well lighted. If you sit down by +daylight, but will remain in the room until after dark, +have the shutters closed and the lights lit, before the +dinner is announced, as nothing can be more awkward +than to do this in the middle of the meal.</p> + +<p>The shape of a table is a point of more importance +than some people think. If you wish your dinner to be +social—not a mere collection of tête-à-têtes—the table +should be of a shape which will make it easy for each +guest to address any one at the table. The long +parallelogram, with the host at one end and the hostess +at the other, is stiff, too broad, too long, and isolates the +givers of the feast from the guests.</p> + +<p>The round table, if large enough to accommodate +many guests, has too large a diameter each way for easy +conversation. The best table is the oval, and the host +and hostess should sit in the middle of each side, facing +each other.</p> + +<p>The dining room, even in the heat of summer, should +be carpeted, to deaden the noise of the servants' feet. +The chairs should be easy, without arms, and with tall, +slanting backs. It adds much to the comfort, if each +person is provided with a foot-stool.</p> + +<p>You must have, besides the waiters, one servant to +carve, and he must be an adept. No dish should be +carved upon the table, and that no guest shall wait too +long for his meat, you must engage a rapid and dexterous +carver.</p> + +<p>For a party of ten, two waiters, and the carver, are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_90" id="Pg_90">[90]</a></span> +amply sufficient. If you have too many servants, they +will only interfere with each other, and stand staring at +the guests. Give your orders before dinner, and through +the meal never speak to the servants. Your whole attention +must be given to the guests. Even if you see +that matters are going wrong, do not let your annoyance +appear, but gracefully ignore the painful facts. Let +each servant have his regular position at the table. One +should take the guests at the right of the hostess, and +the left of the host; the other the guests on the other +side. They should wear light, noiseless shoes, and +white gloves, and each one carry a folded napkin over +his right arm.</p> + +<p>The main point in the arrangement of the table itself, +is to secure beauty, without interfering with conversation. +The table cover and napkins must be of snowy damask, +the glass clear as crystal, and taste must preside over +each detail. Let nothing high be placed on the table, +that will effectually separate the guests from each other. +There should be, first, a handsome centre piece, and this +may be of glass, silver, or china, and not too high or +large, and must be elegant as a work of art, or it is better +omitted altogether. Preserve or fruit stands, tastefully +decorated, with the fruit on fresh, green leaves, and +flowers mingled with them, form exquisite centre pieces. +A pyramid of flowers, or tasty vase or basket, forms, too, +a beautiful ornament for the centre of the table. In addition +to this, the French scatter vases of flowers all over +the table, at the corners and in the centre. Some place +a small, fragrant bouquet before the plate of each guest. +Nothing can be more beautiful than this arrangement.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_91" id="Pg_91">[91]</a></span> +Glasses of celery, dishes of clear, transparent jellies or +preserves, exquisite little glass plates of pickles should +stand in order on the table.</p> + +<p>Place before each guest, the plate, knife, fork, spoon, +four wine-glasses of various sizes, the goblet for water, +napkin, small salt cellar, salt spoon, and roll of bread. +Place none of the meats or vegetables upon the large +table. These should all be served at a side-table, each +guest selecting his own, to be handed by the servants. +The first course is soup. As this is not meant to destroy +the appetite for other viands, it should be light, not too +rich or thick. Let the servant hand one ladlefull to each +person. If you have more than one kind, he must first +inquire which each guest prefers.</p> + +<p>If you have wines, let them be handed round after the +soup.</p> + +<p>Next comes the fish. If you have large fish, let a +slice, cut smoothly, not made into a hash by awkward +carving, be placed upon the plate of the guest, with a +slice of egg, and drawn butter. If the fish are small, +one should be placed upon each plate.</p> + +<p>Then come the patties of oysters, minced veal, or +lobster; or, instead of these, you may have poultry or +game.</p> + +<p>Next the roast. With the meats have vegetables +served on a separate plate, that the guest may take as +much as he wishes with meat. You will, of course, have +a variety of vegetables, but scarcely any guest will choose +more than two.</p> + +<p>The pastry and puddings come next in order, and +these, too, are better served from a side table. Between<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_92" id="Pg_92">[92]</a></span> +the pastry and the dessert, have salad and cheese placed +before each guest.</p> + +<p>If you eat dessert in the same room that you dine in, +it should be placed upon the table (with the exception +of the ices) before the guests are seated, and this comes +after the pastry has been discussed. It should consist +of fruit and ices.</p> + +<p>A pleasanter and more elegant way, is to have the +fruit and ices spread in a separate room, and leave the +dining room after the pastry has been eaten. The +change of position, the absence of the meat flavor in the +atmosphere, make the dessert much more delightful than +if it is eaten in the same room as the dinner. In summer +especially, the change to a cool, fresh room, where the +ices and fruits are tastefully spread, and flowers are +scattered profusely about the room, delights every +sense.</p> + +<p>Coffee follows the dessert, and when this enters, if +your guests are gentlemen only, your duty is at an end. +You may then rise, leave the room, and need not re-appear. +If you have lady guests, you give the signal for +rising after coffee, and lead the way to the parlor, +where, in a few moments, the gentlemen will again join +you.</p> + +<p>Suppose your guests invited, servants instructed, every +arrangement made, and the important day arrived. The +next point to consider is the reception of your guests. +Be dressed in good season, as many seem to consider an +invitation to dinner as one to pass the day, and come +early. Take a position in your drawing-room, where +each guest will find you easily, and remain near it, until<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_93" id="Pg_93">[93]</a></span> +every guest has arrived. As each one enters, advance +to meet him, and extend your hand.</p> + +<p>Have plenty of chairs ready in the drawing-room, as +an invitation to dinner by no means argues a "stand up" +party. As you have already arranged every detail, your +duty as hostess consists in receiving your guests gracefully, +conversing and looking as charmingly as possible. +Flowers in the drawing-room are as great a proof of +taste as in the dining room.</p> + +<p>As the time just before dinner is very apt to be tiresome, +you should bring forward all the armor against +stupidity that you possess. Display upon tables arranged +conveniently about the room, curiosities, handsome books, +photographs, engravings, stereoscopes, medallions, any +works of art you may own, and have the ottomans, sofas, +and chairs so placed that your guests can move easily +about the room, or rooms.</p> + +<p>The severest test of good breeding in a lady, is in the +position of hostess, receiving dinner guests. Your +guests may arrive all at once, yet you must make each +one feel that he or she is the object of your individual +attention, and none must be hurt by neglect. They may +arrive very early, yet your duty is to make the time fly +until dinner is announced. They may come late, and +risk the ruin of your choicest dishes, yet you must not, +upon pain of a breach of etiquette, show the least annoyance. +If you know that the whole kitchen is in +arms at the delay, you must conceal the anguish, as the +Spartan boy did his pangs, to turn a cheerful, smiling +face upon the tardy guests.</p> + +<p>When dinner is announced, you will lead the way<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_94" id="Pg_94">[94]</a></span> +to the dining-room upon the arm of one of your gentlemen +guests, having paired off the company in couples. +The host comes in last with a lady upon his arm.</p> + +<p>You may indicate to each couple, as they enter the +dining-room, the seats they are to occupy, standing until +all are seated, or you may allow them to choose their +own places. The English fashion of placing a card upon +each plate with the name of the person to take that seat +upon it, is a good one. It enables the hostess to place +those whom she is certain will be mutually entertaining, +next each other. Place the gentleman who escorts you +from the parlor at your right hand.</p> + +<p>Having once taken your seat at table, you have +nothing to do with the dinner but to partake of it. Not +a word, or even a glance, will a well-bred hostess bestow +upon the servants, nor will she speak to the guests of +the dishes. Their choice rests between themselves and +the waiters, and you must take no notice of what they +eat, how much, or how little. Nay, should they partake +of one dish only, you must ignore the fact.</p> + +<p>The greatest tact is displayed where the hostess makes +each guest feel perfectly at ease. She will aid her husband +both in leading and supporting the conversation, +and will see that no guest is left in silence from want of +attention. Whilst she ignores every breach of etiquette +her guests may commit, she must carefully observe every +rule herself, and this she must do in an easy, natural +manner, avoiding every appearance of restraint. Her +deportment, she may be sure, is secretly watched and +criticised by each guest, yet she must appear utterly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_95" id="Pg_95">[95]</a></span> +unconscious that she is occupying any conspicuous position.</p> + +<p>To watch the servants, or appear uneasy, lest something +should go wrong, is excessively ill-bred, and if +any accident does occur, you only make it worse by noticing +it. To reprove or speak sharply to a servant before +your guests, manifests a shocking want of good +breeding.</p> + +<p>The rules given above are only applicable to large +dinner parties, and where the guests are few, and the +host himself carves, these rules will not apply. In this +case, as you will only require the services of your own +household domestics, you must, of course, attend personally +to the wants of your guests.</p> + +<p>Dinner not being served from a side table, you must, +while putting tasteful ornaments upon it, be careful not +to crowd them, and leave room for the substantial dishes.</p> + +<p>You must watch the plate of each guest, to see that +it is well provided, and you will invite each one to partake +of the various dishes.</p> + +<p>Have a servant to pass the plates from you to each +guest, and from the host to you, after he has put the +meat upon them, that you may add gravy and vegetables +before they are set before your visitors.</p> + +<p>At these smaller dinner companies, avoid apologizing +for anything, either in the viands or the arrangement of +them. You have provided the best your purse will allow, +prepared as faultlessly as possible; you will only +gain credit for mock modesty if you apologize for a well-prepared, +well-spread dinner, and if there are faults they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_96" id="Pg_96">[96]</a></span> +will only be made more conspicuous if attention is drawn +to them by an apology.</p> + +<p>Ease of manner, quiet dignity, cheerful, intelligent +conversation, and gentle, lady-like deportment, never appear +more charming than when they adorn a lady at the +head of her own table.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_97" id="Pg_97">[97]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XII" id="CHPTR_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII.<br /> +<span class="subttl">DINNER COMPANY.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">ETIQUETTE FOR THE GUEST.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>When you receive an invitation to join a dinner-party, +answer it immediately, as, by leaving your hostess in +doubt whether you intend to accept or decline her hospitality, +you make it impossible for her to decide how +many she must prepare for. If you accept at first, and +any unforeseen event keeps you from fulfilling your engagement, +write a second note, that your hostess may +not wait dinner for you. Such a note, if circumstances +render it necessary to write it, may be sent with perfect +propriety an hour before the time appointed for dinner, +though, if you are aware that you cannot attend, earlier, +you must send the information in good season.</p> + +<p>You should enter the house of your hostess from a +quarter to half an hour earlier than the time appointed +for dining. Proceed at once to the dressing-room, and +arrange your dress and hair, and then enter the drawing-room. +By going to the house too early, you may hasten +or interrupt the toilet arrangements of your hostess;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_98" id="Pg_98">[98]</a></span> +while, by being late, you will establish a most disagreeable +association in the minds of all present, as "the lady +who kept dinner waiting at Mrs. L——'s."</p> + +<p>Immediately upon entering the parlor find your +hostess, and speak to her first. It is very rude to stop +to chat with other guests before greeting the lady of the +house. You may bow to any one you know, in passing, +but do not stop to speak. Having exchanged a few +words with your hostess, turn to the other guests, unless +you are the first arrival. In that case, converse with +your host and hostess until others come in.</p> + +<p>Be careful, if dinner is delayed by the tardiness of +the guests, or from any other cause, that you do not +show by your manner that you are aware of such delay. +To look towards the door often, consult your watch, or +give tokens of weariness, are all marks of ill-breeding. +Your hostess will probably be sufficiently annoyed by the +irregularity itself; do not add to her discomfort by allowing +her to suppose that her guests perceive the deficiencies. +Look over the books and pictures with an air of +interest, converse cheerfully, and in every way appear +as if dinner were a matter of secondary importance, (as, +indeed, it should be,) compared with the pleasure of the +society around you.</p> + +<p>When the signal for dinner is given, your hostess will +probably name your escort to the table. If he is a +stranger, bow in acknowledgement of the introduction, +take his arm, and fall into your place in the stream of +guests passing from the parlor to the dining-room.</p> + +<p>Take the seat pointed out by your hostess, or the +waiter, as soon as it is offered. Each one will do this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_99" id="Pg_99">[99]</a></span> +upon entering, and it prevents the confusion that will result +if those first entering the room, remain standing until +all the other guests come in.</p> + +<p>When you take your seat, be careful that your chair +does not stand upon the dress of the lady next you, as +she may not rise at the same instant that you do, and so +you risk tearing her dress.</p> + +<p>Sit gracefully at the table; neither so close as to make +your movements awkward, nor so far away as to drag +your food over your dress before it reaches your mouth. +It is well to carry in your pocket a small pincushion, +and, having unfolded your napkin, to pin it at the belt. +You may do this quietly, without its being perceived, +and you will thus really save your dress. If the napkin +is merely laid open upon your lap, it will be very apt to +slip down, if your dress is of silk or satin, and you risk +the chance of appearing again in the drawing-room with +the front of your dress soiled or greased.</p> + +<p>If, by the carelessness or awkwardness of your neighbors +or the servants, you have a plate of soup, glass of +wine, or any dish intended for your mouth, deposited +upon your dress, do not spring up, or make any exclamation. +You may wipe off the worst of the spot with your +napkin, and then let it pass without further notice. If +an apology is made by the unlucky perpetrator of the +accident, try to set him at his ease by your own lady-like +composure. He will feel sorry and awkward +enough, without reproach, sullenness, or cold looks from +you.</p> + +<p>Gloves and mittens are no longer worn at table, even +at the largest dinner-parties.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_100" id="Pg_100">[100]</a></span> +To make remarks upon the guests or the dishes is excessively +rude.</p> + +<p>If the conversation is general, speak loudly enough to +be heard by those around you, but, at the same time, +avoid raising your voice <em>too</em> much. If the company is +very large, and you converse only with the person immediately +beside you, speak in a distinct, but low tone, that +you may not interrupt other couples, but carefully avoid +whispering or a confidential air. Both are in excessively +bad taste. To laugh in a suppressed way, has the appearance +of laughing at those around you, and a loud, +boisterous laugh is always unlady-like. Converse cheerfully, +laugh quietly, but freely, if you will, and while +you confine your attention entirely to your neighbor, +still avoid any air of secrecy or mystery.</p> + +<p>Never use an eye-glass, either to look at the persons +around you or the articles upon the table.</p> + +<p>Eat your soup quietly. To make any noise in eating +it, is simply disgusting. Do not break bread into your +soup. Break off small pieces and put into your mouth, +if you will, but neither bite it from the roll nor break it +up, and eat it from your soup-plate with a spoon.</p> + +<p>In eating bread with meat, never dip it into the gravy +on your plate, and then bite the end off. If you wish +to eat it with gravy, break off a small piece, put it upon +your plate, and then, with a fork, convey it to your +mouth.</p> + +<p>When helped to fish, remove, with knife and fork, all +the bones, then lay down the knife, and, with a piece of +bread in your left hand and a fork in your right, eat the +flakes of fish.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_101" id="Pg_101">[101]</a></span> +Need I say that the knife is to cut your food with, +and must never be used while eating? To put it in your +mouth is a distinctive mark of low-breeding.</p> + +<p>If you have selected what you will eat, keep the plate +that is placed before you; never pass it to the persons +next you, as they may have an entirely different choice +of meat or vegetables.</p> + +<p>Never attempt to touch any dish that is upon the +table, but out of your reach, by stretching out your arms, +leaning forward, or, still worse, standing up. Ask the +waiter to hand it, if you wish for it; or, if the gentleman +beside you can easily do so, you may ask him to pass it +to you.</p> + +<p>Do not press those near you to take more or other +things than are upon their plate. This is the duty +of the hostess, or, if the company is large, the servants +will attend to it. For you to do so is officious and ill-bred.</p> + +<p>When conversing let your knife and fork rest easily +upon your plate, even if still in your hand. Avoid +holding them upright. Keep your own knife, fork, and +spoon solely for the articles upon your own plate. To +use them for helping yourself to butter or salt, is rude +in the extreme.</p> + +<p>When you do not use the salt-spoon, sugar tongs, and +butter-knife, you may be sure that those around you will +conclude that you have never seen the articles, and do +not know their use.</p> + +<p>You need not fear to offend by refusing to take wine +with a gentleman, even your host. If you decline gracefully, +he will appreciate the delicacy which makes you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_102" id="Pg_102">[102]</a></span> +refuse. If, however, you have no conscientious scruples, +and are invited to take wine, bow, and merely raise the +glass to your lips, then set it down again. You may +thus acknowledge the courtesy, and yet avoid actually +drinking the wine.</p> + +<p>No lady should drink wine at dinner. Even if her +head is strong enough to bear it, she will find her +cheeks, soon after the indulgence, flushed, hot, and uncomfortable; +and if the room is warm, and the dinner a +long one, she will probably pay the penalty of her folly, +by having a headache all the evening.</p> + +<p>If offered any dish of which you do not wish to partake, +decline it, but do not assign any reason. To object +to the dish itself is an insult to your entertainers, +and if you assert any reason for your own dislike it is +ill-bred.</p> + +<p>Do not bend too much forward over your food, and +converse easily. To eat fast, or appear to be so much +engrossed as to be unable to converse, is ill-bred; and it +makes those around you suspect that you are so little +accustomed to dining well, that you fear to stop eating +an instant, lest you should not get enough.</p> + +<p>It is equally ill-bred to accept every thing that is +offered to you. Never take more than two vegetables; +do not take a second plate of soup, pastry, or pudding. +Indeed, it is best to accept but <em>one</em> plate of any article.</p> + +<p>Never use a spoon for anything but liquids, and never +touch anything to eat, excepting bread, celery, or fruit, +with your fingers.</p> + +<p>In the intervals which must occur between the courses, +do not appear to be conscious of the lapse of time. Wear<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_103" id="Pg_103">[103]</a></span> +a careless air when waiting, conversing cheerfully and +pleasantly, and avoid looking round the room, as if wondering +what the waiters are about.</p> + +<p>Never eat every morsel that is upon your plate; and +surely no lady will ever scrape her plate, or pass the +bread round it, as if to save the servants the trouble of +washing it.</p> + +<p>Take such small mouthfulls that you can always be +ready for conversation, but avoid playing with your food, +or partaking of it with an affectation of delicate appetite. +Your hostess may suppose you despise her fare, if you +appear so very choice, or eat too sparingly. If your +state of health deprives you of appetite, it is bad enough +for you to decline the invitation to dine out.</p> + +<p>Never examine minutely the food before you. You +insult your hostess by such a proceeding, as it looks as +if you feared to find something upon the plate that should +not be there.</p> + +<p>If you find a worm on opening a nut, or in any of the +fruit, hand your plate quietly, and without remark, to +the waiter, and request him to bring you a clean one. +Do not let others perceive the movement, or the cause of +it, if you can avoid so doing.</p> + +<p>Never make a noise in eating. To munch or smack +the lips are vulgar faults.</p> + +<p>Sit quietly at table, avoid stiffness, but, at the same +time, be careful that you do not annoy others by your +restlessness.</p> + +<p>Do not eat so fast as to be done long before others, nor +so slowly as to keep them waiting.</p> + +<p>When the finger-glasses are passed round, dip the ends<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_104" id="Pg_104">[104]</a></span> +of your fingers into them, and wipe them upon your +napkin; then do not fold your napkin, but place it beside +your plate upon the table.</p> + +<p>To carry away fruit or bonbons from the table is a +sign of low breeding.</p> + +<p>Rise with the other ladies when your hostess gives the +signal.</p> + +<p>After returning to the parlor, remain in the house at +least an hour after dinner is over. If you have another +engagement in the evening, you may then take your +leave, but not before. You will insult your hostess by +leaving sooner, as it appears that you came only for the +dinner, and that being over, your interest in the house, +for the time, has ceased. It is only beggars who "eat +and run!"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_105" id="Pg_105">[105]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XIII" id="CHPTR_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII.<br /> +<span class="subttl">TABLE ETIQUETTE.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>In order to appear perfectly well-bred at table when +in company, or in public, as at a hotel, you must pay +attention, three times a day, to the points of table +etiquette. If you neglect these little details at home +and in private, they will be performed awkwardly and +with an air of restraint when you are in company. By +making them habitual, they will become natural, and appear +easily, and sit gracefully upon you.</p> + +<p>Even when eating entirely alone, observe these little +details, thus making the most finished and elegant manners +perfectly familiar, and thus avoiding the stiff, +awkward air you will wear if you keep your politeness +only for company, when you will be constantly apprehensive +of doing wrong.</p> + +<p>At breakfast or tea, if your seat is at the head of the +table, you must, before taking anything upon your own +plate, fill a cup for each one of the family, and pass them +round, being careful to suit each one in the preparation +of the cup, that none may return to you for more tea, +water, sugar, or milk. If you have a visitor, pass the +cup with the tea or coffee alone in it, and hand with the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_106" id="Pg_106">[106]</a></span> +cup the sugar bowl and cream pitcher, that these may be +added in the quantity preferred.</p> + +<p>After all the cups have been filled and passed round, +you may take the bread, butter, and other food upon +your own plate. Train your children, so that they will +pass these things to you as soon as they see you are +ready to receive them.</p> + +<p>If you are yourself at the side of the table, pass the +bread, butter, etc., to the lady at the head, when you see +that she has sent the cups from the waiter before her, to +those seated at the table.</p> + +<p>If you occupy the place of head of the table, you must +watch the cups, offer to fill them when empty, and also +see that each one of the family is well helped to the other +articles upon the table.</p> + +<p>Avoid making any noise in eating, even if each meal +is eaten in solitary state. It is a disgusting habit, and +one not easily cured if once contracted, to make any +noise with the lips when eating.</p> + +<p>Never put large pieces of food into your mouth. Eat +slowly, and cut your food into small pieces before putting +it into your mouth.</p> + +<p>Use your fork, or spoon, never your knife, to put your +food into your mouth. At dinner, hold in your left hand +a piece of bread, and raise your meat or vegetables with +the fork, holding the bread to prevent the pieces slipping +from the plate.</p> + +<p>If you are asked at table what part of the meat you +prefer, name your favorite piece, but do not give such +information unless asked to do so. To point out any +especial part of a dish, and ask for it, is ill-bred. To<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_107" id="Pg_107">[107]</a></span> +answer, when asked to select a part, that "it is a matter +of indifference," or, "I can eat any part," is annoying +to the carver, as he cares less than yourself certainly, +and would prefer to give you the piece you really like +best.</p> + +<p>Do not pour coffee or tea from your cup into your +saucer, and do not blow either these or soup. Wait until +they cool.</p> + +<p>Use the butter-knife, salt-spoon, and sugar-tongs as +scrupulously when alone, as if a room full of people were +watching you. Otherwise, you may neglect to do so when +the omission will mortify you.</p> + +<p>Never put poultry or fish bones, or the stones of fruit, +upon the table-cloth, but place them on the edge of +your plate.</p> + +<p>Do not begin to eat until others at the table are ready +to commence too.</p> + +<p>Sit easily in your chair, neither too near the table, nor +too far from it, and avoid such tricks as putting your +arms on the table, leaning back lazily in your chair, or +playing with your knife, fork, or spoon.</p> + +<p>Never raise your voice, when speaking, any higher +than is necessary. The clear articulation and distinct +pronunciation of each word, will make a low tone more +agreeable and more easily understood, than the loudest +tone, if the speech is rapid or indistinct.</p> + +<p>Never pass your plate with the knife or fork upon +it, and when you pass your cup, put the spoon in the +saucer.</p> + +<p>Never pile up the food on your plate. It looks as if +you feared it would all be gone before you could be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_108" id="Pg_108">[108]</a></span> +helped again, and it will certainly make your attempts +to cut the food awkward, if your plate is crowded.</p> + +<p>If there is a delicacy upon the table, partake of it +sparingly, and never help yourself to it a second time.</p> + +<p>If you wish to cough, or use your handkerchief, rise +from the table, and leave the room. If you have not +time to do this, cover your mouth, and turn your head +aside from the table, and perform the disagreeable +necessity as rapidly and quietly as possible.</p> + +<p>Avoid gesticulation at the table. Indeed, a well-bred +lady will never gesticulate, but converse quietly, letting +the expression and animation of her features give force +to her words.</p> + +<p>Never, when at the home table, leave it until the other +members of the family are also ready to rise.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_109" id="Pg_109">[109]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XIV" id="CHPTR_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV.<br /> +<span class="subttl">CONDUCT IN THE STREET.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>A lady's conduct is never so entirely at the mercy of +critics, because never so public, as when she is in the +street. Her dress, carriage, walk, will all be exposed to +notice; every passer-by will look at her, if it is only for +one glance; every unlady-like action will be marked; +and in no position will a dignified, lady-like deportment +be more certain to command respect.</p> + +<p>Let me start with you upon your promenade, my +friend, and I will soon decide your place upon the list of +well-bred ladies.</p> + +<p>First, your dress. Not that scarlet shawl, with a +green dress, I beg, and—oh! spare my nerves!—you are +not so insane as to put on a blue bonnet. That's right. +If you wish to wear the green dress, don a black shawl, +and—that white bonnet will do very well. One rule you +must lay down with regard to a walking dress. It must +never be conspicuous. Let the material be rich, if you +will; the set of each garment faultless; have collar and +sleeves snowy white, and wear neatly-fitting, whole, clean +gloves and boots. Every detail may be scrupulously +attended to, but let the whole effect be quiet and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_110" id="Pg_110">[110]</a></span> +modest. Wear a little of one bright color, if you will, +but not more than one. Let each part of the dress +harmonize with all the rest; avoid the <em>extreme</em> of fashion, +and let the dress suit <em>you</em>. If you are short and plump, +do not wear flounces, because they are fashionable, and +avoid large plaids, even if they are the very latest style. +If tall and slight, do not add to the length of your figure +by long stripes, a little mantilla, and a caricature of a +bonnet, with long, streaming ribbons. A large, round +face will never look well, staring from a tiny, delicate +bonnet; nor will a long, thin one stand the test much +better. Wear what is becoming to <em>yourself</em>, and only +bow to fashion enough to avoid eccentricity. To have +everything in the <em>extreme</em> of fashion, is a sure mark of +vulgarity.</p> + +<p>Wear no jewelry in the street excepting your watch +and brooch. Jewelry is only suited for full evening +dress, when all the other details unite to set it off. If +it is real, it is too valuable to risk losing in the street, +and if it is <em>not</em> real, no lady should wear it. Mock jewelry +is utterly detestable.</p> + +<p>What are you doing? Sucking the head of your +parasol! Have you not breakfasted? Take that piece +of ivory from your mouth! To suck it is unlady-like, +and let me tell you, excessively unbecoming. Rosy lips +and pearly teeth can be put to a better use.</p> + +<p>Why did you not dress before you came out? It is a +mark of ill-breeding to draw your gloves on in the street. +Now your bonnet-strings, and now—your collar! Pray +arrange your dress before you leave the house! Nothing +looks worse than to see a lady fussing over her dress in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_111" id="Pg_111">[111]</a></span> +the street. Take a few moments more in your dressing-room, +and so arrange your dress that you will not need +to think of it again whilst you are out.</p> + +<p>Do not walk so fast! you are not chasing anybody! +Walk slowly, gracefully! Oh, do not drag one foot +after the other as if you were fast asleep—set down the +foot lightly, but at the same time firmly; now, carry +your head up, not so; you hang it down as if you feared +to look any one in the face! Nay, that is the other extreme! +Now you look like a drill-major, on parade! +So! that is the medium. Erect, yet, at the same time, +easy and elegant.</p> + +<p>Now, my friend, do not swing your arms. You don't +know what to do with them? Your parasol takes one +hand; hold your dress up a little with the other. Not +so! No lady should raise her dress above the ankle.</p> + +<p>Take care! don't drag your dress through that mud-puddle! +Worse and worse! If you take hold of your +dress on both sides, in that way, and drag it up so high, +you will be set down as a raw country girl. So. Raise +it just above the boot, all round, easily, letting it fall +again in the old folds. Don't shake it down; it will +fall back of itself.</p> + +<p>Stop! don't you see there is a carriage coming? Do +you want to be thrown down by the horses? You can +run across? Very lady-like indeed! Surely nothing +can be more ungraceful than to see a lady shuffle and +run across a street. Wait until the way is clear and +then walk slowly across.</p> + +<p>Do not try to raise your skirts. It is better to soil +them. (You were very foolish to wear white skirts this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_112" id="Pg_112">[112]</a></span> +muddy day.) <em>They</em> are easily washed, and you cannot +raise <em>all</em>. You will surely be awkward in making the attempt, +and probably fail, in spite of your efforts. True, +they will be badly soiled, and you expose this when you +raise the dress, but the state of the streets must be seen +by all who see your share of the dirt, and they will +apologize for your untidy appearance in a language distinctly +understood.</p> + +<p>Don't hold your parasol so close to your face, nor so +low down. You cannot see your way clear, and you will +run against somebody. Always hold an umbrella or +parasol so that it will clear your bonnet, and leave the +space before your face open, that you may see your way +clearly.</p> + +<p>If you are ever caught in a shower, and meet a gentleman +friend who offers an umbrella, accept it, if he will +accompany you to your destination; but do not deprive +him of it, if he is not able to join you. Should he insist, +return it to his house or store the instant you reach +home, with a note of thanks. If a stranger offers you +the same services, decline it positively, but courteously, +at the same time thanking him.</p> + +<p>Never stop to speak to a gentleman in the street. If +you have anything important to say to him, allow him to +join and walk with you, but do not stop. It is best to +follow the same rule with regard to ladies, and either +walk with them or invite them to walk with you, instead +of stopping to talk.</p> + +<p>A lady who desires to pay strict regard to etiquette, +will not stop to gaze in at the shop windows. It looks +countrified. If she is alone, it looks as if she were waiting +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_113" id="Pg_113">[113]</a></span> +for some one; and if she is not alone, she is victimizing +some one else, to satisfy her curiosity.</p> + +<p>Remember that in meeting your gentlemen friends it is +your duty to speak first, therefore do not cut them by +waiting to be recognized. Be sure, however, that they +see you before you bow, or you place yourself in the +awkward position of having your bow pass, unreturned.</p> + +<p>You are not expected to recognize any friend on the +opposite side of the street. Even if you see them, do +not bow.</p> + +<p>Avoid "cutting" any one. It is a small way of showing +spite, and lowers you more than your enemy. If +you wish to avoid any further intercourse bow, coldly +and gravely, but do not look at any one, to whom you +are in the habit of bowing, and pass without bowing. If +you do this, they may flatter themselves that they were +really unrecognized, but a distant, cold bow will show +them that you speak from civility only, not from friendship.</p> + +<p>In the street a lady takes the arm of a relative, her +affianced lover, or husband, but of no other gentleman, +unless the streets are slippery, or in the evening.</p> + +<p>When a lady walks with two gentlemen, she should +endeavor to divide her attention and remarks equally between +them.</p> + +<p>If you do stop in the street, draw near the walls, that +you may not keep others from passing.</p> + +<p>Loud talking and laughing in the street are excessively +vulgar. Not only this, but they expose a lady to the +most severe misconstruction. Let your conduct be modest +and quiet.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_114" id="Pg_114">[114]</a></span> +If a gentleman, although a stranger, offers his hand +to assist you in leaving a carriage, omnibus, or to aid +you in crossing where it is wet or muddy, accept his +civility, thank him, bow and pass on.</p> + +<p>If you wish to take an omnibus or car, see that it is +not already full. If it is, do not get in. You will annoy +others, and be uncomfortable yourself.</p> + +<p>It is best to carry change to pay car or omnibus fare, +as you keep others waiting whilst the driver is making +change, and it is apt to fall into the straw when passing +from one hand to another.</p> + +<p>If a gentleman gives you his seat, hands your fare, +or offers you any such attention, <em>thank him</em>. It is not +countrified, it is lady-like. If you do not speak, bow.</p> + +<p>Be careful not to be alone in the streets after night +fall. It exposes you to insult. If you are obliged to +go out, have a servant, or another lady, if you cannot +procure the escort of a gentleman, which is, of course, +the best.</p> + +<p>Walk slowly, do not turn your head to the right or +left, unless you wish to walk that way, and avoid any +gesture or word that will attract attention.</p> + +<p>Never look back! It is excessively ill-bred.</p> + +<p>Make no remarks upon those who pass you, while +there is even a possibility that they may hear you.</p> + +<p>Never stare at any one, even if they have peculiarities, +which make them objects of remark.</p> + +<p>In taking your place in an omnibus or car, do so +quietly, and then sit perfectly still. Do not change your +place or move restlessly. Make room for others if you +see that the opposite side is full.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_115" id="Pg_115">[115]</a></span> +If you walk with a gentleman, when he reaches your +door invite him in, but if he declines, do not urge him. +If you are returning from a ball or party, and the hour +is a very late (or early) one, you are not bound in politeness +to invite your escort to enter; the hour will be your +apology for omitting the ceremony.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_116" id="Pg_116">[116]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XV" id="CHPTR_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV.<br /> +<span class="subttl">LETTER WRITING.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>There is no branch of education called so universally +into requisition as the art of letter writing; no station, +high or low, where the necessity for correspondence is +not felt; no person, young or old, who does not, at some +time, write, cause to be written, and receive letters. +From the President in his official capacity, with the busy +pens of secretaries constantly employed in this branch +of service, to the Irish laborer who, unable to guide a +pen, writes, also by proxy, to his kinsfolks across the +wide ocean; all, at some time, feel the desire to transmit +some message, word of love, business, or sometimes +enmity, by letter.</p> + +<p>Yet, in spite of the universal need, and almost universal +habit, there are really but very few persons who +write a <em>good</em> letter; a letter that is, at the same time +long enough to interest, yet not long enough to tire; +sufficiently condensed to keep the attention, and not +tedious, and yet detailed enough to afford satisfaction; +that is correct in grammatical construction, properly +punctuated, written in a clear, legible hand, with the +date, address, signature, all in the proper place, no words<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_117" id="Pg_117">[117]</a></span> +whose letters stand in utter defiance to spelling-book +rules; in short, a well-written letter.</p> + +<p>Thousands, millions are sent from post to post every +day. The lightning speed of the telegraph takes its +messages from city to city; the panting steamer carries +from continent to continent its heavy mail-bags, laden +with its weight of loving messages; the "iron horse" +drags behind it, its measure of the many missives; while, +in the far-distant Western wilds, the lumbering wagon +bears its paper freight, with its pen eloquence, to cheer +and comfort, or sadden and crush, the waiting emigrants, +longing for news of home.</p> + +<p>To some, who, with hearts desolated by the separation +from the home circle, could read, with an eager interest, +volumes of the most common-place, trivial incidents, if +only connected with the loved ones there, will come +pages, from the pen of the dearest relative, full of +learning, wit, and wisdom, wholly uninteresting to the +receiver.</p> + +<p>Why is this? Not from any desire upon the part of +the writer to display learning or talent, but because, +writing a letter being to them a great undertaking, and +the letter being destined to go a long distance, they look +upon it as an event too unusual to be wasted in detailing +the simple, every-day details of domestic life, and ransack +memory and learning for a subject worthy of the long +journey and unusual labor.</p> + +<p>Others will have, from mere acquaintances, long, +tedious details of uninteresting trivialities, and from the +near relatives, short, dry epistles, which fall like stones<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_118" id="Pg_118">[118]</a></span> +upon the heart longing for little, affectionate expressions, +and home memories.</p> + +<p>From some letter writers, who are in the midst of +scenes and events of the most absorbing interest, letters +arrive, only a few lines long, without one allusion to the +interesting matter lying so profusely around them; while +others, with the scantiest of outward subjects, will, from +their own teeming brain, write bewitching, absorbing +epistles, read with eagerness, laid aside with the echo +of Oliver Twist's petition in a sigh; the reader longing +for "more."</p> + +<p>It is, of course, impossible to lay down any distinct +rule for the <em>style</em> of letter writing. Embracing, as it +does, all subjects and all classes, all countries and associations, +and every relation in which one person can +stand to another, what would be an imperative rule in +some cases, becomes positive absurdity in others. Every +letter will vary from others written before, in either its +subject, the person addressed, or the circumstances which +make it necessary to write it.</p> + +<p>Letter writing is, in fact, but conversation, carried on +with the pen, when distance or circumstances prevent the +easier method of exchanging ideas, by spoken words. +Write, therefore, as you would speak, were the person to +whom your letter is addressed seated beside you. As +amongst relatives and intimate friends you would converse +with a familiar manner, and in easy language, so +in your letters to such persons, let your style be simple, +entirely devoid of effort.</p> + +<p>Again, when introduced to a stranger, or conversing +with one much older than yourself, your manner is respectful +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_119" id="Pg_119">[119]</a></span> +and dignified; so let the letters addressed to +those on these terms with yourself, be written in a more +ceremonious style, but at the same time avoid stiffness, +and above all, pedantry. A letter of advice to a child, +would of course demand an entirely different style, from +that written by a young lady to a friend or relative advanced +in life; yet the general rule, "write as you +would converse," applies to each and every case.</p> + +<p>Neatness is an important requisite in a letter. To +send a fair, clean sheet, with the words written in a clear, +legible hand, will go a great way in ensuring a cordial +welcome for your letter. Avoid erasures, as they spoil +the beauty of your sheet. If it is necessary to correct +a word, draw your pen through it, and write the word +you wish to use as a substitute, above the one erased; +do not scratch out the word and write another over it: +it is untidy, and the second word is seldom legible. +Another requisite for a good letter is a clear, concise style. +Use language that will be easily understood, and avoid the +parenthesis. Important passages in letters are often lost +entirely, by the ambiguous manner in which they are +worded, or rendered quite as unintelligible by the blots, +erasures, or villainously bad hand-writing. A phrase +may, by the addition or omission of one word, or by the +alteration of one punctuation mark, convey to the reader +an entirely different idea from that intended by the +writer; so, while you write plainly, use good language, +you must also write carefully, and punctuate properly.</p> + +<p>If you are in doubt about the correct spelling of a +word, do not trust to chance, hoping it may be right, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_120" id="Pg_120">[120]</a></span> +get a dictionary, and be certain that you have spelt it as +it ought to be.</p> + +<p>Simplicity is a great charm in letter-writing. What +you send in a letter, is, as a general rule, intended for +the perusal of one person only. Therefore to cumber +your epistles with quotations, similes, flowery language, +and a stilted, pedantic style, is in bad taste. You may +use elegant language, yet use it easily. If you use a +quotation, let it come into its place naturally, as if +flowing in perfect harmony with your ideas, and let it be +short. Long quotations in a letter are tiresome. Make +no attempt at display in a correspondence. You will err +as much in such an attempt, as if, when seated face to +face with your correspondent, alone in your own apartment, +you were to rise and converse with the gestures +and language of a minister in his pulpit, or a lecturer +upon his platform.</p> + +<p>As everything, in style, depends upon the subject of +the letter, and the person to whom it is addressed, some +words follow, relating to some of the various kinds of +correspondence:</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Business Letters</span> should be as brief as is consistent +with the subject; clear, and to the point. Say all that +is necessary, in plain, distinct language, and say no +more. State, in forcible words, every point that it is +desirable for your correspondent to be made acquainted +with, that your designs and prospects upon the subject +may be perfectly well understood. Write, in such a +letter, of nothing but the business in hand; other matters +will be out of place there. Nowhere is a confused style, +or illegible writing, more unpardonable than in a business<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_121" id="Pg_121">[121]</a></span> +letter; nowhere a good style and hand more important. +Avoid flowery language, too many words, all pathos or +wit, any display of talent or learning, and every merely +personal matter, in a business letter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Compliment</span> must be restricted, confined +entirely to one subject. If passing between acquaintances, +they should be written in a graceful, at the same +time respectful, manner. Avoid hackneyed expressions, +commonplace quotations, and long, labored sentences, +but while alluding to the subject in hand, as if warmly +interested in it, at the same time endeavor to write in a +style of simple, natural grace.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Congratulation</span> demand a cheerful, +pleasant style, and an appearance of great interest. +They should be written from the heart, and the cordial, +warm feelings there will prompt the proper language. +Be careful, while offering to your friend the hearty congratulations +her happy circumstances demand, that you +do not let envy at her good fortune, creep into your +head, to make the pen utter complaining words at your +own hard lot. Do not dampen her joy, by comparing +her happiness with the misery of another. There are +many clouds in the life of every one of us. While the +sun shines clearly upon the events of your friend's life +let her enjoy the brightness and warmth, unshadowed by +any words of yours. Give her, to the full, your sympathy +in her rejoicing, cheerful words, warm congratulations, +and bright hopes for the future. Should there be, at the +time of her happiness, any sad event you wish to communicate +to her, of which it is your duty to inform her, +write it in another letter. If you must send it the same<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_122" id="Pg_122">[122]</a></span> +day, do so, but let the epistle wishing her joy, go alone, +unclouded with the news of sorrow. At the same time, +avoid exaggerated expressions of congratulation, lest you +are suspected of a desire to be satirical, and avoid underlining +any words. If the language is not forcible enough +to convey your ideas, you will not make it better by underlining +it. If you say to your friend upon her marriage, +that you wish her "<em>joy</em> in her new relations, and +<em>hope</em> she may be <em>entirely happy</em> in her domestic life," +you make her doubt your wishes, and think you mean to +ridicule her chances of such happiness.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Condolence</span> are exceedingly trying, both +to read and to write. If the affliction which calls for +them is one which touches you nearly, really grieving +and distressing you, all written words must seem tame +and cold, compared with the aching sympathy which dictates +them. It is hard with the eyes blinded by tears, +and the hand shaking, to write calmly; and it is impossible +to express upon paper all the burning thoughts and +words that would pour forth, were you beside the friend +whose sorrow is yours. If you do not feel the trial, your +task is still more difficult, for no letters demand truth, +spoken from the heart, more than letters of condolence. +Do not treat the subject for grief too lightly. Write +words of comfort if you will, but do not appear to consider +the affliction as a trifle. Time may make it less +severe, but the first blow of grief must be heavy, and a +few words of sincere sympathy will outweigh pages of +mere expressions of hope for comfort, or the careless +lines that show the letter to be one of mere duty, not +feeling. Let your friend feel that her sorrow makes her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_123" id="Pg_123">[123]</a></span> +dearer to you than ever before, and that her grief is +yours. To treat the subject with levity, or to wander +from it into witticisms or every-day chit-chat, is a wanton +insult, unworthy of a lady and a friend. Do not magnify +the event, or plunge the mourner into still deeper +despondency by taking a despairing, gloomy view of the +sorrow, under which she is bent. Show her the silver +lining of her cloud, try to soothe her grief, yet be willing +to admit that it <em>is</em> a cloud, and that she <em>has</em> cause for +grief. To throw out hints that the sorrow is sent as a +punishment to an offender; to imply that neglect or imprudence +on the part of the mourner is the cause of the +calamity; to hold up the trial as an example of retribution, +or a natural consequence of wrong doing, is cruel, +and barbarous. Even if this is true, (indeed, if this is +the case, it only aggravates the insult); avoid such retrospection. +It is as if a surgeon, called in to a patient suffering +from a fractured limb, sat down, inattentive to the +suffering, to lecture his patient upon the carelessness +which caused the accident. One of the most touching +letters of condolence ever written was sent by a literary +lady, well known in the ranks of our American authoresses, +to her sister, who had lost her youngest child. +The words were few, merely:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="smcap">"Sister Darling:</p> + +<p>"I cannot write what is in my heart for you to-day, +it is too full. Filled with a double sorrow, for you, for +my own grief. Tears blind me, my pen trembles in my +hand. Oh, to be near you! to clasp you in my arms!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_124" id="Pg_124">[124]</a></span> +to draw your head to my bosom, and weep with you! +Darling, God comfort you, I cannot.</p> + +<p class="ralign">"S."</p> +</div> + +<p>That was all. Yet the sorrowing mother said that no +other letter, though she appreciated the kind motive that +dictated all, yet none comforted her as did these few +lines. Written from the heart, their simple eloquence +touched the heart for which they were intended. Early +stages of great grief reject <em>comfort</em>, but they long, with +intense longing, for sympathy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters written to gentlemen</span> should be ceremonious +and dignified. If the acquaintance is slight, write +in the third person, if there is a necessity for a letter. +If a business letter, be respectful, yet not servile. It is +better to avoid correspondence with gentlemen, particularly +whilst you are young, as there are many objections +to it. Still, if a friend of long standing solicits a correspondence, +and your parents or husband approve and +permit compliance with the request, it would be over-prudish +to refuse. Write, however, such letters as, if +they were printed in the newspapers, would cause you no +annoyance. If the acquaintance admits of a frank, +friendly style, be careful that your expressions of good +will do not become too vehement, and avoid any confidential +communications. When he begins to ask you to +keep such and such passages secret, believe me, it is quite +time to drop the correspondence.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Enquiry</span>, especially if they request a +favor, should contain a few lines of compliment. If the +letter is upon a private subject, such as enquiry with regard +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_125" id="Pg_125">[125]</a></span> +to the illness or misfortune of a friend, avoid +making it too brief. To write short, careless letters +upon such subjects, is unfeeling, and they will surely be +attributed to motives of obligation or duty, not to interest. +Letters of enquiry, referring to family matters, +should be delicately worded, and appear dictated by interest, +not mere curiosity. If the enquiry refers to +matters interesting only to yourself, enclose a postage-stamp +for the reply. In answering such letters, if they +refer to your own health or subjects interesting to yourself, +thank the writer for the interest expressed, and answer +in a satisfactory manner. If the answer interests +your correspondent only, do not reply as if the enquiry +annoyed you, but express some interest in the matter of +the letter, and give as clear and satisfactory reply as is +in your power.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters offering Favors</span>—Be careful in writing to +offer a favor, that you do not make your friend feel a +heavy weight of obligation by over-rating your services. +The kindness will be duly appreciated, and more highly +valued if offered in a delicate manner. Too strong a +sense of obligation is humiliating, so do not diminish the +real value of the service by forcing the receiver to acknowledge +a fictitious value. Let the recipient of your +good will feel that it affords you as much pleasure to confer +the favor as it will give her to receive it. A letter +accompanying a present, should be short and gracefully +worded. The affectionate spirit of such little epistles +will double the value of the gift which they accompany. +Never refer to a favor received, in such a letter, as that +will give your gift the appearance of being payment for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_126" id="Pg_126">[126]</a></span> +such favor, and make your letter of about as much value +as a tradesman's receipted bill.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Thanks</span> for enquiries made, should be +short, merely echoing the words of the letter they answer, +and contain the answer to the question, with an +acknowledgement of your correspondent's interest. If +the letter is your own acknowledgement of a favor conferred, +let the language be simple, but strong, grateful, +and graceful. Fancy that you are clasping the hand of +the kind friend who has been generous or thoughtful for +you, and then write, even as you would speak. Never +hint that you deem such a favor an obligation to be returned +at the first opportunity; although this may really +be the case, it is extremely indelicate to say so. In +your letter gracefully acknowledge the obligation, and if, +at a later day, you can return the favor, then let actions, +not words, prove your grateful recollection of the favor +conferred upon you. If your letter is written to acknowledge +the reception of a present, speak of the beauty +or usefulness of the gift, and of the pleasant associations +with her name it will always recall.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Recommendation</span> should be truthful, polite, +and carefully considered. Such letters may be +business letters, or they may be given to servants, and +they must be given only when really deserved. Do not +be hasty in giving them; remember that you are, in +some measure responsible for the bearer; therefore, never +sacrifice truth and frankness, to a mistaken idea of kindness +or politeness.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Introduction</span> must be left unsealed. +They must not contain any allusion to the personal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_127" id="Pg_127">[127]</a></span> +qualities of the bearer, as such allusion would be about +as sure a proof of ill-breeding as if you sat beside your +friend, and ran over the list of the virtues and talents +possessed by her. The fact that the person bearing the +letter is your friend, will be all sufficient reason for cordial +reception by the friend to whom the letter is addressed. +The best form is:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="ralign"><span class="smcap">Philadelphia</span>, <i>June</i> 18<i>th</i>, 18—.</p> + +<p class="smcap">My dear Mary:</p> + +<p>This letter will be handed to you by Mrs. C., to whom +I am pleased to introduce you, certain that the acquaintance +thus formed, between two friends of mine, of so +long standing and so much beloved, will be pleasant to +both parties. Any attention that you may find it in +your power to extend to Mrs. C. whilst she is in your +city, will be highly appreciated, and gratefully acknowledged, +by</p> + +<p class="ralign"><span class="p-r2">Your sincere friend</span><br /> +A——.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Advice</span> should not be written unsolicited. +They will, in all probability, even when requested, be +unpalatable, and should never be sent unless they can +really be of service. Write them with frankness and +sincerity. To write after an act has been committed, +and is irrevocable, is folly, and it is also unkind. You +may inform your friend that, "had you been consulted, a +different course from the one taken would have been recommended," +and you may really believe this, yet it will +probably be false. Seeing the unfavorable result of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_128" id="Pg_128">[128]</a></span> +wrong course will enable you fully to appreciate the wisdom +of the right one, but, had you been consulted when +the matter was doubtful, you would probably have been +as much puzzled as your friend to judge the proper mode +of action. You should word a letter of advice delicately, +stating your opinion frankly and freely, but giving it <em>as</em> +an opinion, not as a positive law. If the advice is not +taken, do not feel offended, as others, more experienced +than yourself upon the point in question, may have also +been consulted. Let no selfish motive govern such a +letter. Think only of the good or evil to result to your +friend, and while you may write warmly and earnestly, +let the motive be a really disinterested one.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Excuse</span> should be frank and graceful. +They must be written promptly, as soon as the occasion +that calls for them admits. If delayed, they become insulting. +If such a letter is called forth by an act of +negligence on your own part, apologize for it frankly, +and show by your tone that you sincerely desire to regain +the confidence your carelessness has periled. If +you have been obliged by positive inability to neglect +the fulfilment of any promise you have given, or any +commission you have undertaken, then state the reason +for your delay, and solicit the indulgence of your friend. +Do not write in such stiff, formal language that the +apology will seem forced from you, but offer your excuse +frankly, as if with a sincere desire to atone for an act +of negligence, or remove a ground of offence.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Intelligence</span> are generally the answer to +letters of enquiry, or the statement of certain incidents +or facts, interesting both to the writer and reader of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_129" id="Pg_129">[129]</a></span> +letter. Be careful in writing such a letter that you have +all the facts in exact accordance with the truth. Remember +that every word is set down against you, if one +item of your information prove to be false; and do not +allow personal opinion or prejudice to dictate a single +sentence. Never repeat anything gathered from mere +hearsay, and be careful, in such a letter, that you violate +no confidence, nor force yourself upon the private affairs +of any one. Do not let scandal or a mere love of gossip +dictate a letter of intelligence. If your news is painful, +state it as delicately as possible, and add a few lines expressive +of sympathy. If it is your pleasant task to +communicate a joyful event, make your letter cheerful +and gay. If you have written any such letter, and, +after sending it, find you have made any error in a statement, +write, and correct the mistake immediately. It +may be a trivial error, yet there is no false or mistaken +news so trifling as to make a correction unnecessary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Invitations</span> are generally written in the third person, +and this form is used where the acquaintance is very +slight, for formal notes, and cards of compliment. The +form is proper upon such occasions, but should be used +only in the most ceremonious correspondence. If this +style is adopted by a person who has been accustomed to +write in a more familiar one to you, take it as a hint, +that the correspondence has, for some reason, become +disagreeable, and had better cease.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Autograph Letters</span> should be very short; merely +acknowledging the compliment paid by the request for +the signature, and a few words expressing the pleasure +you feel in granting the favor. If you write to ask for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_130" id="Pg_130">[130]</a></span> +an autograph, always inclose a postage stamp for the +answer.</p> + +<p>Date every letter you write accurately, and avoid +postscripts.</p> + +<p>Politeness, kindness, both demand that every letter +you receive must be answered. Nothing can give more +pleasure in a correspondence, than prompt replies. +Matters of much importance often rest upon the reply +to a letter, and therefore this duty should never be delayed. +In answering friendly letters, it will be found +much easier to write what is kind and interesting, if you +sit down to the task as soon as you read your friend's +letter. Always mention the date of the letter to which +your own is a reply.</p> + +<p>Never write on a half sheet of paper. Paper is cheap, +and a <em>half</em> sheet looks both mean and slovenly. If you +do not write but three lines, still send the whole sheet +of paper. Perfectly plain paper, thick, smooth, and +white, is the most elegant. When in mourning, use +paper and envelopes with a black edge. Never use the +gilt edged, or fancy bordered paper; it looks vulgar, and +is in bad taste. You may, if you will, have your initials +stamped at the top of the sheet, and on the seal of the +envelope, but do not have any fancy ornaments in the +corners, or on the back of the envelope.</p> + +<p>You will be guilty of a great breach of politeness, if +you answer either a note or letter upon the half sheet of +the paper sent by your correspondent, even though it +may be left blank.</p> + +<p>Never write, even the shortest note, in pencil. It looks +careless, and is rude.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_131" id="Pg_131">[131]</a></span> +Never write a letter carelessly. It may be addressed +to your most intimate friend, or your nearest relative, +but you can never be sure that the eye for which it is +intended, will be the <em>only</em> one that sees it. I do not +mean by this, that the epistle should be in a formal, +studied <em>style</em>, but that it must be correct in its grammatical +construction, properly punctuated, with every word +spelt according to rule. Even in the most familiar +epistles, observe the proper rules for composition; you +would not in conversing, even with your own family, use +incorrect grammar, or impertinent language; therefore +avoid saying upon paper what you would not say with +your tongue.</p> + +<p>Notes written in the third person, must be continued +throughout in the same person; they are frequently very +mysterious from the confusion of pronouns, yet it is a +style of correspondence much used and very proper upon +many occasions. For compliment, inquiry where there +is no intimacy between the parties, from superiors to +inferiors, the form is elegant and proper. If you receive +a note written in the third person, reply in the same +form, but do not reply thus to a more familiar note or +letter, as it is insulting, and implies offence taken. If +you wish to repel undue familiarity or impertinence in +your correspondent, then reply to the epistle in the most +formal language, and in the third person.</p> + +<p>It is an extraordinary fact, that persons who have received +a good education, and who use their pens frequently, +will often, in writing notes, commence in the third person +and then use the second or first personal pronoun, and +finish by a signature; thus—</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_132" id="Pg_132">[132]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p>Miss Claire's compliments to Mr. James, and wishes +to know whether you have finished reading my copy of +"Jane Eyre," as if Mr. James had finished it, I would +like to lend it to another friend.</p> + +<p class="ralign"> +<span class="p-r2">Sincerely yours,</span><br /> +<span class="smcap">Ella Claire</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p>The errors in the above are too glaring to need comment, +yet, with only the alteration of names, it is a copy, +<i>verbatim</i>, of a note written by a well educated girl.</p> + +<p>Never sign a note written in the third person, if you +begin the note with your own name. It is admissible, if +the note is worded in this way:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p>Will Mr. James return by bearer, the copy of "Jane +Eyre" he borrowed, if he has finished reading it, and +oblige his sincere friend,</p> + +<p class="ralign smcap">Ella Claire.</p> +</div> + +<p>If you use a quotation, never omit to put it in quotation +marks, otherwise your correspondent may, however +unjustly, accuse you of a desire to pass off the idea and +words of another, for your own.</p> + +<p>Avoid postscripts. Above all, never send an inquiry +or compliment in a postscript. To write a long letter, +upon various subjects, and in the postscript desire to be +remembered to your friend's family, or inquire for +their welfare, instead of a compliment, becomes insulting. +It is better, if you have not time to write again +and place such inquiries above your signature, to omit +them entirely. Nobody likes to see their name mentioned +as an afterthought.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_133" id="Pg_133">[133]</a></span> +Punctuate your letters carefully. The want of a mark +of punctuation, or the incorrect placing of it, will make +the most woful confusion. I give an instance of the +utter absurdity produced by the alteration of punctuation +marks, turning a sensible paragraph to the most arrant +nonsense:</p> + +<p>"Cæsar entered; on his head his helmet; on his feet +armed sandals; upon his brow there was a cloud; in his +right hand his faithful sword; in his eye an angry glare; +saying nothing, he sat down."</p> + +<p>By using precisely the same words, merely altering +the position of the punctuation marks, we have—</p> + +<p>"Cæsar entered on his head; his helmet on his feet; +armed sandals upon his brow; there was a cloud in his +right hand; his faithful sword in his eye; an angry glare +saying nothing; he sat down."</p> + +<p>Be careful, then, to punctuate properly, that you may +convey to the reader the exact sense of what is in your +mind.</p> + +<p>If you receive an impertinent letter, treat it with contempt; +do not answer it.</p> + +<p>Never answer a letter by proxy, when you are able to +write yourself. It is a mark of respect and love, to +answer, in your own hand, all letters addressed to you. +If you are obliged to write to a friend to refuse to grant +a favor asked, you will lessen the pain of refusal by +wording your letter delicately. Loving words, if it is a +near friend, respectful, kind ones if a mere acquaintance, +will make the disagreeable contents of the letter more +bearable. Try to make the <em>manner</em> smooth and soften +the hardness of the <em>matter</em>.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_134" id="Pg_134">[134]</a></span> +Every letter must embrace the following particulars: +1st. The date. 2d. The complimentary address. 3d. +The body of the letter. 4th. The complimentary +closing. 5th. The signature. 6th. The address.</p> + +<p>There are two ways of putting the date, and the address. +The first is to place them at the top of the sheet, +the other is to place them after the signature.</p> + +<p>When at the top, you write the name of your residence, +or that of the city in which you reside, with the +day of the month and the year, at the right hand of the +first line of the sheet. Then, at the left hand of the +next line, write the address, then the complimentary address +below the name; thus—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="ralign"> +<span class="smcap p-r2">Willow Grove, New York,</span><br /> +<i>June</i> 27<i>th</i>, 1859.</p> + +<p class="smcap">Mrs. E. C. Howell,</p> + +<p><span class="p-l4">My dear Madam,</span><br /> +<span class="p-l8">I received your letter, etc.</span></p> +</div> + +<p>At the end of the letter, on the right hand of the +sheet, put the complimentary closing, and then the signature; +thus—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="ralign"> +<span class="p-r6">I remain, my dear Madam,</span><br /> +<span class="p-r4">With much respect,</span><br /> +<span class="p-r2">Yours sincerely,</span><br /> +<span class="smcap">S. E. Law</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_135" id="Pg_135">[135]</a></span> +If you place the date and address after the signature, +put it at the left of the sheet; thus—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="ralign"> +<span class="p-r6">I remain, my dear Madam,</span><br /> +<span class="p-r4">With much respect,</span><br /> +<span class="p-r2">Yours sincerely,</span><br /> +<span class="smcap">S. E. Law</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. E. C. Howell.</span><br /> +<span class="p-l4"><i>June</i> 27<i>th</i>, 1859.</span></p> +</div> + +<p>For a long letter, it is better to put the date and address +at the top of the page. For a letter of only a +few lines, which ends on the first page, the second form +is best. In a letter written to a person in the same city, +you need not put the address under the signature; if not, +write it—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="ralign smcap"> +<span class="p-r10">S. E. Law,</span><br /> +Willow Grove, New York.</p> +</div> + +<p>In writing to a dear friend or relative, where there is +no formality required, you may omit the name at the top +of the letter; put the date and address thus—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="ralign"> +<span class="smcap p-r2">Willow Grove, New York,</span><br /> +<i>June</i> 27<i>th</i>, 1859.</p> + +<p class="smcap">Dear Anna:</p> + +<p class="p-l4">I write, etc.</p> +</div> + +<p>It is best, however, to put the full name at the bottom +of the last page, in case the letter is mislaid without the +envelope; thus—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="ralign smcap">E. C. Law.</p> + +<p class="smcap">Miss Anna Wright.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_136" id="Pg_136">[136]</a></span> +If you use an envelope, and this custom is now universal, +fold your letter neatly to fit into it; then direct on +the envelope. Put first the name, then the name of the +person to whose care the letter must be directed, then +the street, the city, and State. If the town is small, put +also the county.</p> + +<p>This is the form:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p><span class="smcap">Miss Anna Wright</span>,<br /> +<span class="p-l2">Care of Mr. John C. Wright,</span><br /> +<span class="p-l4">No. 40, Lexington street,</span><br /> +<span class="p-l6">Greensburg—Lee County.</span><br /> +<span class="p-l16">Mass.</span></p> +</div> + +<p>If the city is a large one, New York, Philadelphia, +Baltimore, or any of the principal cities of the Union, +you may omit the name of the county. If your letter +is to go abroad, add the name of the country: as, England, +or France, in full, under that of the city.</p> + +<p>The name of the state is usually abbreviated, and for +the use of my readers, I give the names of the United +States with their abbreviations:</p> + +<p>Maine, Me. New Hampshire, N. H. Vermont, Vt. +Massachusetts, Mass. Rhode Island, R. I. Connecticut, +Conn. New York, N. Y. New Jersey, N. J. +Pennsylvania, Pa., or, Penn. Delaware, Del. Maryland, +Md. Virginia, Va. North Carolina, N. C. South +Carolina, S. C. Georgia, Ga., or, Geo. Alabama, +Ala. Mississippi, Miss. Missouri, Mo. Louisiana, La. +Tennessee, Tenn. Kentucky, Ky. Indiana, Ind. +Ohio, O. Michigan, Mich. Illinois, Ill. Wisconsin, +Wis. Arkansas, Ark. Texas, Tex. Iowa, Io. Florida, +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_137" id="Pg_137">[137]</a></span> +Flo. Oregon, O. California, Cal. Minnesota, +Minn. District of Columbia, D. C. If you are writing +from another country to America, put United States of +America after the name of the state.</p> + +<p>On the upper right hand corner of your envelope, put +your postage-stamp.</p> + +<p>If you send a letter by private hand, write the name +of the bearer in the lower left hand corner, thus:</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p class="ralign"><span class="smcap p-r4">Mrs. E. A. Howell,</span><br /> +<span class="p-r2">Clinton Place,</span><br /> +Boston.</p> + +<p>Mr. G. G. Lane.</p> +</div> + +<p>In directing to any one who can claim any prefix, or +addition, to his proper name do not omit to put that "republican +title." For a clergyman, Rev. for Reverend is +put before the name, thus:—</p> + +<p class="center smcap">Rev. James C. Day.</p> + +<p>For a bishop:</p> + +<p class="center smcap">Right Reverend E. Banks.</p> + +<p>For a physician:</p> + +<p class="center smcap">Dr. James Curtis.</p> + +<p class="center">or,</p> + +<p class="center smcap">James Curtis, M.D.</p> + +<p>For a member of Congress:</p> + +<p class="center smcap">Hon. E. C. Delta.</p> + +<p>For an officer in the navy:</p> + +<p class="center smcap">Capt. Henry Lee, U. S. N.</p> + +<p>For an officer in the army:</p> + +<p class="center smcap">Col. Edward Holmes, U. S. A.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_138" id="Pg_138">[138]</a></span> +For a professor:</p> + +<p class="center smcap">Prof. E. L. James.</p> + +<p>If the honorary addition, LL.D., A. M., or any such +title belongs to your correspondent, add it to his name +on the envelope, thus:—</p> + +<p class="center smcap">J. L. Peters, LL.D.</p> + +<p>If you seal with wax, it is best to put a drop under +the turn-over, and fasten this down firmly before you +drop the wax that is to receive the impression.</p> + +<p>Cards of compliment are usually written in the third +person. I give a few of the most common and proper +forms.</p> + +<p>For a party:</p> + +<div class="blocks"><p>Miss Lee's compliments to Mr. Bates, for Wednesday +evening, Nov. 18th, at 8 o'clock.</p></div> + +<p>Addressed to a lady:</p> + +<div class="blocks"><p>Miss Lee requests the pleasure of Miss Howard's company +on Wednesday evening, Nov. 18th, at 8 o'clock.</p></div> + +<p>For a ball, the above form, with the word <em>Dancing</em>, in +the left hand corner.</p> + +<p>Invitations to dinner or tea specify the entertainment +thus:</p> + +<div class="blocks"><p>Mrs. Garret's compliments to Mr. and Mrs. Howard, +and requests the pleasure of their company to dine (or +take tea) on Wednesday, Nov. 6th, at 6 o'clock.</p></div> + +<p>The form for answering, is:—</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_139" id="Pg_139">[139]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blocks"><p>Miss Howard accepts with pleasure Miss Lee's polite +invitation for Wednesday evening.</p> + +<p class="center">or,</p> + +<p>Miss Howard regrets that a prior engagement will +prevent her accepting Miss Lee's polite invitation for +Wednesday evening.</p> + +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Howard's compliments to Mrs. Garret, +and accept with pleasure her kind invitation for Wednesday.</p> + +<p class="center">or,</p> + +<p>Mrs. Howard regrets that the severe illness of Mr. +Howard will render it impossible for either herself or +Mr. Howard to join Mrs. Garret's party on Wednesday +next.</p></div> + +<p>Upon visiting cards, left when the caller is about to +leave the city, the letters <i>p. p. c.</i> are put in the left hand +corner, they are the abbreviation of the French words, +<i>pour prendre congé</i>, or may, with equal propriety, stand +for <i>presents parting compliments</i>. Another form, <i>p. d. a.</i>, +<i>pour dire adieu</i>, may be used.</p> + +<p>No accomplishment within the scope of human knowledge +is so beautiful in all its features as that of epistolary +correspondence. Though distance, absence, and +circumstances may separate the holiest alliances of +friendship, or those who are bound together by the still +stronger ties of affection, yet the power of interchanging +thoughts, words, feelings, and sentiments, through the +medium of letters, adds a sweetness to the pain of separation, +renovating to life, and adding to happiness.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_140" id="Pg_140">[140]</a></span> +The wide ocean may roll between those who have +passed the social years of youth together, or the snow-capped +Alps may rise in sublime grandeur, separating +early associates; still young remembrances may be called +up, and the paradise of memory made to bloom afresh +with unwithered flowers of holy recollection.</p> + +<p>Though we see not eye to eye and face to face, where +the soft music of a loved voice may fall with its richness +upon the ear, yet the very soul and emotions of the mind +may be poured forth in such melody as to touch the +heart "that's far away," and melt down the liveliest eye +into tears of ecstatic rapture.</p> + +<p>Without the ability to practice the refined art of epistolary +correspondence, men would become cold and discordant: +an isolated compound of misanthropy. They +would fall off in forsaken fragments from the great bond +of union which now adorns and beautifies all society. +Absence, distance, and time would cut the silken cords +of parental, brotherly, and even connubial affection. +Early circumstances would be lost in forgetfulness, and +the virtues of reciprocal friendship "waste their sweetness +on the desert air."</p> + +<p>Since, then, the art and practice of letter-writing is +productive of so much refined and social happiness, a +laudable indulgence in it must ever be commendable. +While it elevates the noble faculties of the mind, it also +chastens the disposition, and improves those intellectual +powers which would otherwise remain dormant and useless.</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding the various beauties and pleasures +attendant upon the accomplishment, yet there are many<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_141" id="Pg_141">[141]</a></span> +who have given it but a slight portion of their attention, +and have, therefore, cause to blush at their own ignorance +when necessity demands its practice. There is no better +mode by which to test the acquirements of either a +young lady or gentleman than from their letters.</p> + +<p>Letters are among the most useful forms of composition. +There are few persons, who can read or write at +all, who do not frequently have occasion to write them; +and an elegant letter is much more rare than an elegant +specimen of any other kind of writing.</p> + +<p>The more rational and elevated the topics are, on +which you write, the less will you care for your letters +being seen, or for paragraphs being read out of them; +and where there is no need of any secrecy, it is best not +to bind your friend by promises, but to leave it to her +discretion.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_142" id="Pg_142">[142]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XVI" id="CHPTR_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI.<br /> +<span class="subttl">POLITE DEPORTMENT, AND GOOD HABITS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>Lord Chesterfield says, "Good sense and good +nature suggest civility in general; but in good breeding +there are a thousand little delicacies which are established +only by custom."</p> + +<p>It is the knowledge and practice of such "little delicacies" +which constitutes the greatest charm of society.</p> + +<p>Manner may be, and, in most cases, probably is, the +cloak of the heart; this cloak may be used to cover defects, +but is it not better so to conceal these defects, than +to flaunt and parade them in the eyes of all whom we +may meet?</p> + +<p>Many persons plead a love of truth as an apology for +rough manners, as if truth was never gentle and kind, +but always harsh, morose, and forbidding. Surely good +manners and a good conscience are no more inconsistent +with each other than beauty and innocence, which are +strikingly akin, and always look the better for companionship. +Roughness and honesty are indeed sometimes +found together in the same person, but he is a poor judge +of human nature who takes ill-manners to be a guarantee +of probity of character. Some persons object to politeness, +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_143" id="Pg_143">[143]</a></span> +that its language is unmeaning and false. But this +is easily answered. A lie is not locked up in a phrase, +but must exist, if at all, in the mind of the speaker. In +the ordinary compliments of civilized life, there is no intention +to deceive, and consequently no falsehood. +Polite language is pleasant to the ear, and soothing to +the heart, while rough words are just the reverse; and +if not the product of ill temper, are very apt to produce +it. The plainest of truths, let it be remembered, can be +conveyed in civil speech, while the most malignant lies +may find utterance, and often do, in the language of the +fishmarket.</p> + +<p>Many ladies say, "Oh, I am perfectly frank and outspoken; +I never stop to mince words," or, "there is no +affectation about me; all my actions are perfectly natural," +and, upon the ground of frankness, will insult and +wound by rude language, and defend awkwardness and +ill-breeding by the plea of "natural manners."</p> + +<p>If nature has not invested you with all the virtues +which may be desirable in a lady, do not make your +faults more conspicuous by thrusting them forward upon +all occasions, and at all times. "Assume a virtue if you +have it not," and you will, in time, by imitation, acquire +it.</p> + +<p>By endeavoring to <em>appear</em> generous, disinterested, +self-sacrificing, and amiable, the opposite passions will be +brought into subjection, first in the manner, afterwards +in the heart. It is not the desire to deceive, but the +desire to please, which will dictate such a course. When +you hear one, who pretends to be a lady, boast that she +is rough, capricious, and gluttonous, you may feel sure<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_144" id="Pg_144">[144]</a></span> +that she has never tried to conquer these faults, or she +would be ashamed, not proud, of them.</p> + +<p>The way to make yourself pleasing to others, is to +show that you care for them. The whole world is like +the miller at Mansfield, "who cared for nobody—no, +not he—because nobody cared for him." And the whole +world will serve you so, if you give them the same cause. +Let every one, therefore, see that you do care for them, +by showing them, what Sterne so happily calls, "the +small, sweet courtesies of life," those courtesies in which +there is no parade; whose voice is too still to tease, and +which manifest themselves by tender and affectionate +looks, and little, kind acts of attention, giving others the +preference in every little enjoyment at the table, in the +field, walking, sitting, or standing.</p> + +<p>Thus the first rule for a graceful manner is unselfish +consideration of others.</p> + +<p>By endeavoring to acquire the habit of politeness, it +will soon become familiar, and sit on you with ease, if +not with elegance. Let it never be forgotten, that genuine +politeness is a great fosterer of family love; it +allays accidental irritation, by preventing harsh retorts +and rude contradictions; it softens the boisterous, stimulates +the indolent, suppresses selfishness, and by forming +a habit of consideration for others, harmonizes the +whole. Politeness begets politeness, and brothers may +be easily won by it, to leave off the rude ways they bring +home from school or college. Sisters ought never to +receive any little attention without thanking them for it, +never to ask a favor of them but in courteous terms, +never to reply to their questions in monosyllables, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_145" id="Pg_145">[145]</a></span> +they will soon be ashamed to do such things themselves. +Both precept and example ought to be laid under contribution, +to convince them that no one can have really +good manners abroad, who is not habitually polite at +home.</p> + +<p>If you wish to be a well-bred lady, you must carry +your good manners everywhere with you. It is not a +thing that can be laid aside and put on at pleasure. +True politeness is uniform disinterestedness in trifles, +accompanied by the calm self-possession which belongs +to a noble simplicity of purpose; and this must be the +effect of a Christian spirit running through all you do, +or say, or think; and, unless you cultivate it and exercise +it, upon all occasions and towards all persons, it will +never be a part of yourself.</p> + +<p>It is not an art to be paraded upon public occasions, +and neglected in every-day duties; nor should it, like a +ball-dress, be carefully laid aside at home, trimmed, ornamented, +and worn only when out. Let it come into +every <em>thought</em>, and it will show forth in every <em>action</em>. +Let it be the rule in the homeliest duties, and then it will +set easily when in public, not in a stiff manner, like a +garment seldom worn.</p> + +<p>I wish it were possible to convince every woman that +politeness is a most excellent good quality; that it is a +necessary ingredient in social comfort, and a capital assistant +to actual prosperity. Like most good things, +however, the word politeness is often misunderstood and +misapplied; and before urging the practical use of that +which it represents, it may be necessary to say what it +means, and what it does not mean.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_146" id="Pg_146">[146]</a></span> +Politeness is not hypocrisy:—cold-heartedness, or unkindness +in disguise. There are persons who can smile +upon a victim, and talk smoothly, while they injure, deceive, +or betray. And they will take credit to themselves, +that all has been done with the utmost <em>politeness</em>; +that every tone, look, and action, has been in perfect +keeping with the rules of good breeding. "The words +of their mouth are smoother than butter, but war is in +their heart: their words are softer than oil, yet are they +drawn swords." Perish for ever and ever such spurious +politeness as this!</p> + +<p>Politeness is not servility. If it were so, a Russian +serf would be a model of politeness. It is very possible +for persons to be very cringing and obsequious, without +a single atom of politeness; and it often happens that +men of the most sturdy independence of character, are +essentially polite in all their words, actions, and feelings. +It were well for this to be fully understood, for many +people will abstain from acts of real politeness, and even +of common civility, for fear of damaging their fancied +independence.</p> + +<p>True politeness, as I understand it, is kindness and +courtesy of feeling brought into every-day exercise. +It comprehends hearty good will towards everybody, +thorough and constant good-humor, an easy deportment, +and obliging manners. Every person who cultivates +such feelings, and takes no pains to conceal them, will +necessarily be polite, though she may not exactly know +it; while, on the other hand, a woman essentially morose +and selfish, whatever may be her pretensions, must be +very far from truly polite.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_147" id="Pg_147">[147]</a></span> +It is very true there are those whose position in society +compels them to observe certain rules of etiquette which +pass for politeness. They bow or courtesy with a decent +grace; shake hands with the precise degree of vigor +which the circumstances of the case require; speak just +at the right time, and in the required manner, and smile +with elegant propriety. Not a tone, look, or gesture, is +out of place; not a habit indulged which etiquette forbids; +and yet, there will be wanting, after all, the secret +charm of sincerity and heart kindness, which those outward +signs are intended to represent; and, wanting +which, we have only the form, without the essence, of +politeness.</p> + +<p>Let me recommend, therefore, far beyond all the rules +ever penned by teachers of etiquette, the cultivation of +kind and loving feelings. Throw your whole soul into +the lesson, and you will advance rapidly towards the +perfection of politeness, for "out of the abundance of +the heart the mouth speaketh," and the movements of +your form and the words you utter will follow faithfully +the hidden springs of action within.</p> + +<p>There cannot be genuine good breeding to any happy +degree, where there is not self-respect. It is that which +imparts ease and confidence to our manners, and impels +us, for our own sake, as well as for the sake of others, to +behave becomingly as intelligent beings.</p> + +<p>It is a want of true politeness that introduces the discord +and confusion which too often make our homes unhappy. +A little consideration for the feelings of those +whom we are bound to love and cherish, and a little +sacrifice of our own wills, would, in multitudes of instances,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_148" id="Pg_148">[148]</a></span> +make all the difference between alienation and growing +affection. The principle of genuine politeness would accomplish +this; and what a pity it is that those whose +only spring of rational enjoyment is to be found at <em>home</em>, +should miss that enjoyment by a disregard of little +things, which, after all, make up the sum of human +existence!</p> + +<p>What a large amount of actual discomfort in domestic +life would be prevented, if all children were trained, both +by precept and example, to the practice of common +politeness! If they were taught to speak respectfully +to parents, and brothers, and sisters, to friends, neighbors, +and strangers, what bawlings, and snarlings +would be stilled! If their behavior within doors, and +especially at the table, were regulated by a few of +the common rules of good breeding, how much natural +and proper disgust would be spared! If courtesy of demeanor, +towards all whom they meet in field or highway, +were instilled, how much more pleasant would be our +town travels, and our rustic rambles! Every parent has +a personal interest in this matter; and if every parent +would but make the needful effort, a great degree of +gross incivility, and consequent annoyance, would soon +be swept away from our hearths and homes.</p> + +<p>Whilst earnestly endeavoring to acquire true politeness, +avoid that spurious imitation, affectation. It is to +genuine politeness and good breeding, what the showy +paste is to the pure diamond. It is the offspring of a +sickly taste, a deceitful heart, and a sure proof of low +breeding.</p> + +<p>The certain test of affectation in any individual, is the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_149" id="Pg_149">[149]</a></span> +looking, speaking, moving, or acting in any way different +when in the presence of others, especially those whose +opinion we regard and whose approbation we desire, from +what we should do in solitude, or in the presence of those +only whom we disregard, or who we think cannot injure +or benefit us. The motive for resisting affectation is, that +it is both unsuccessful and sinful. It always involves a +degree of hypocrisy, which is exceedingly offensive in +the sight of God, which is generally detected even by +men, and which, when detected, exposes its subject to +contempt which could never have been excited by the +mere absence of any quality or possession, as it is by +the false assumption of what is not real. The best cure +for affectation is the cultivation, on principle, of every +good, virtuous, and amiable habit and feeling, not for +the sake of being approved or admired, but because it is +right in itself, and without considering what people will +think of it. Thus a real character will be formed instead +of a part being assumed, and admiration and love +will be spontaneously bestowed where they are really deserved. +Artificial manners are easily seen through; and +the result of such observations, however accomplished +and beautiful the object may be, is contempt for such littleness.</p> + +<p>Many ladies, moving, too, in good society, will affect +a forward, bold manner, very disagreeable to persons of +sense. They will tell of their wondrous feats, when engaged +in pursuits only suited for men; they will converse +in a loud, boisterous tone; laugh loudly; sing comic +songs, or dashing bravuras in a style only fit for the +stage or a gentleman's after-dinner party; they will lay<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_150" id="Pg_150">[150]</a></span> +wagers, give broad hints and then brag of their success +in forcing invitations or presents; interlard their conversation +with slang words or phrases suited only to the +stable or bar-room, and this they think is a dashing, fascinating +manner. It may be encouraged, admired, in +their presence, by gentlemen, and imitated by younger +ladies, but, be sure, it is looked upon with contempt, and +disapproval by every one of good sense, and that to persons +of real refinement it is absolutely disgusting.</p> + +<p>Other ladies, taking quite as mistaken a view of real +refinement, will affect the most childish timidity, converse +only in whispers, move slowly as an invalid, faint at the +shortest notice, and on the slightest provocation; be +easily moved to tears, and profess never to eat, drink, +or sleep. This course is as absurd as the other, and +much more troublesome, as everybody dreads the scene +which will follow any shock to the dear creature's nerves, +and will be careful to avoid any dangerous topics.</p> + +<p>Self-respect, and a proper deference for our superiors +in age or intellect, will be the best safeguards against +either a cringing or insolent manner.</p> + +<p>Without self-respect you will be apt to be both awkward +and bashful; either of which faults are entirely inconsistent +with a graceful manner. Be careful that +while you have sufficient self-respect to make your manner +easy, it does not become arrogance and so engender +insolence. Avoid sarcasm; it will, unconsciously to +yourself, degenerate into pertness, and often downright +rudeness. Do not be afraid to speak candidly, but temper +candor with courtesy, and never let wit run into that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_151" id="Pg_151">[151]</a></span> +satire that will wound deeply, whilst it amuses only +slightly.</p> + +<p>Let your carriage be at once dignified and graceful. +There are but few figures that will bear quick motion; +with almost every one its effect is that of a jerk, a most +awkward movement. Let the feet, in walking or dancing, +be turned out slightly; when you are seated, rest +them both on the floor or a footstool. To sit with the +knees or feet crossed or doubled up, is awkward and unlady-like. +Carry your arms, in walking, easily; never +crossing them stiffly or swinging them beside you. When +seated, if you are not sewing or knitting, keep your +hands perfectly quiet. This, whilst one of the most difficult +accomplishments to attain, is the surest mark of a +lady. Do not fidget, playing with your rings, brooch, +or any little article that may be near you; let your hands +rest in an easy, natural position, perfectly quiet.</p> + +<p>Never gesticulate when conversing; it looks theatrical, +and is ill-bred; so are all contortions of the features, +shrugging of shoulders, raising of the eyebrows, or +hands.</p> + +<p>When you open a conversation, do so with a slight +bow and smile, but be careful not to simper, and not to +smile too often, if the conversation becomes serious.</p> + +<p>Never point. It is excessively ill-bred.</p> + +<p>Avoid exclamations; they are in excessively bad taste, +and are apt to be vulgar words. A lady may express +as much polite surprise or concern by a few simple, +earnest words, or in her manner, as she can by exclaiming +"Good gracious!" "Mercy!" or "Dear me!"</p> + +<p>Remember that every part of your person and dress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_152" id="Pg_152">[152]</a></span> +should be in perfect order before you leave the dressing-room, +and avoid all such tricks as smoothing your hair +with your hand, arranging your curls, pulling the waist +of your dress down, or settling your collar or sleeves.</p> + +<p>Avoid lounging attitudes, they are indelicate, except +in your own private apartment. Nothing but ill health +will excuse them before company, and a lady had better +keep her room if she is too feeble to sit up in the drawing-room.</p> + +<p>Let your deportment suit your age and figure; to see +a tiny, fairy-like young girl, marching erect, stiff, and +awkwardly, like a soldier on parade, is not more absurd +than to see a middle-aged, portly woman, aping the +romping, hoydenish manners of a school-girl.</p> + +<p>Let the movements be easy and flexible, and accord +with the style of the lady.</p> + +<p>Let your demeanor be always marked by modesty and +simplicity; as soon as you become forward or affected, +you have lost your greatest charm of manner.</p> + +<p>You should be quite as anxious to <em>talk</em> with propriety +as you are to think, work, sing, paint, or write, according +to the most correct rules.</p> + +<p>Always select words calculated to convey an exact impression +of your meaning.</p> + +<p>Let your articulation be easy, clear, correct in accent, +and suited in tone and emphasis to your discourse.</p> + +<p>Avoid a muttering, mouthing, stuttering, droning, +guttural, nasal, or lisping, pronunciation.</p> + +<p>Let your speech be neither too loud nor too low; but +adjusted to the ear of your companion. Try to prevent +the necessity of any person crying, "What? What?"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_153" id="Pg_153">[153]</a></span> +Avoid a loquacious propensity; you should never occupy +more than your share of the time, or more than is +agreeable to others.</p> + +<p>Beware of such vulgar interpolations as "You know," +"You see," "I'll tell you what."</p> + +<p>Pay a strict regard to the rules of grammar, even in +private conversation. If you do not understand these +rules, learn them, whatever be your age or station.</p> + +<p>Though you should always speak pleasantly, do not +mix your conversation with loud bursts of laughter.</p> + +<p>Never indulge in uncommon words, or in Latin and +French phrases, but choose the best understood terms to +express your meaning.</p> + +<p>Above all, let your conversation be intellectual, graceful, +chaste, discreet, edifying, and profitable.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_154" id="Pg_154">[154]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XVII" id="CHPTR_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII.<br /> +<span class="subttl">CONDUCT IN CHURCH.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>In entering a church of a different denomination from +the one you have been in the habit of frequenting, ask +the sexton to show you to a seat. It is the height of +rudeness to enter a pew without invitation, as the owner +may desire, if her family do not require all the seats, to +invite her own personal friends to take the vacant places. +If you are not perfectly familiar with the manner of +conducting the worship, observe those around you, rise, +kneel, and sit, as you see they do. It is a mark of disrespect +for the pastor as well as irreverence for the Most +High, to remain seated through the whole service, unless +you are ill, or otherwise incapacitated from standing and +kneeling.</p> + +<p>Enter the sacred edifice slowly, reverentially, and take +your seat quietly. It is not required of you to bow to +any friend you may see in passing up the aisle, as you +are supposed yourself to be, and suppose her to be entirely +absorbed in thought proper for the occasion. To +stare round the church, or if you are not alone, to whisper +to your companion, is irreverent, indelicate, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_155" id="Pg_155">[155]</a></span> +rude. If your own feelings will not prompt you to silence +and reverence, pay some regard to the feelings of +others.</p> + +<p>Be careful not to appear to notice those around you. +If others are so rude as to talk or conduct improperly, +fix your own mind upon the worship which you come to +pay, and let the impertinence pass unheeded.</p> + +<p>If there is another person in the same pew with yourself, +who, more familiar with the service, hands you the +book, or points out the place, acknowledge the civility +by a silent bow; it is not necessary to speak.</p> + +<p>In your own pew, extend this courtesy to a stranger +who may come in beside you, and even if it is a gentleman +you may, with perfect propriety, hand him a book, or, +if there is but one, offer him a share of your own.</p> + +<p>Endeavor always to be in your seat before the service +commences, and after it is over do not hurry away, and, +above all, do not begin your preparations for departure, +by shutting up your book, or putting on any article of +dress you have removed, before the benediction.</p> + +<p>If you are invited to accompany a friend to church, +be sure you are ready in good season, that you may not +keep her waiting when she calls, or cause her to lose +any part of the service by detaining her at your house. +If you invite a friend to take a seat in your pew, call for +her early, give her the most comfortable place, and be +sure she has a prayer and hymn-book.</p> + +<p>If you are invited to stand as god-mother to a friend's +child, be at the house of the parents in season to accompany +the family to church, and send, the day before, the +gift you design for the babe. A silver cup is the usual<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_156" id="Pg_156">[156]</a></span> +present, with your little namesake's initials, or full name, +engraved upon it.</p> + +<p>In assisting at a wedding at church, if you are one of +the bridesmaids, wear white, a white bonnet but no veil. +If you occupy the first place, the bride's, it is in better +taste to be married in a simple dress and bonnet, +and don your full dress when you return home to receive +your friends. In such ceremonies the wedding-party +all meet in the vestry, and go to the altar together.<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a></p> + +<p>At a funeral, enter the church quietly, and, unless +you belong to the mourners, wait until they leave the +church before you rise from your seat. Never attempt +to speak to any of the afflicted family. However heartfelt +your sympathy, it will not be welcome at that time.</p> + +<p>If, when entering a crowded church, a gentleman sees +you and offers his seat, acknowledge his civility, whether +accepted or declined, by a bow, and a whispered "thank +you." Many, who claim the name of lady, and think +they are well-bred, will accept such an act of politeness +without making the slightest acknowledgement. If the +service has commenced, do not speak; a courteous inclination +of the head will convey your sense of obligation.</p> + +<p>Remember, as an imperative, general rule, in whatever +church you may be, whether at home or abroad, +conform to the mode of worship whilst you are in that +church. If you find, in these modes, forms which are +disagreeable to you, or which shock your own ideas of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_157" id="Pg_157">[157]</a></span> +religion, avoid a second visit, but do not insult the congregation, +by showing your contempt or disapproval, +whilst you are among them. Silence, quiet attention, +and a grave, reverential demeanor, mark the Christian +lady in church.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_158" id="Pg_158">[158]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XVIII" id="CHPTR_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII.<br /> +<span class="subttl">BALL ROOM ETIQUETTE.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">FOR THE HOSTESS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>When you have decided upon what evening you will +give your ball, send out your invitations, a fortnight before +the evening appointed. To ladies, word them:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"><p>Mrs. L—— requests the pleasure of Miss G——'s +company on Wednesday evening, Jan. 17th, at 9 o'clock.</p> + +<p><i>Dancing.</i></p> + +<p>The favor of an early answer is requested.</p></div> + +<p>To gentlemen:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"><p>Mrs. L——'s compliments to Mr. R—— for Wednesday +evening, Jan. 17th, at 9 o'clock.</p> + +<p><i>Dancing.</i></p> + +<p>The favor of an early answer is requested.</p></div> + +<p>If you are unmarried, put your mother's name with +your own upon the cards. If you have a father or +grown-up brother, let the invitations to the gentlemen go +in his name.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_159" id="Pg_159">[159]</a></span> +In making your list for a ball, do not set down <em>all</em> of +your "dear five hundred friends." The middle-aged, +(unless they come as chaperons,) the serious, and the +sober-minded, will not accept your invitation, and the +two last named may consider it insulting to be invited to +so frivolous an amusement. By the way, I do not agree +with the straight-laced people, who condemn all such +amusements. I agree with Madame Pilau. When the +curé of her parish told her he was writing a series of +sermons against dancing, she said to him:</p> + +<p>"You are talking of what you do not understand. +<em>You</em> have never been to a ball, <em>I</em> have; and I assure +you there is no sin in the matter worthy of mention or +notice."</p> + +<p>If you really wish for dancing, you will accommodate +your guests to your rooms, inviting one third more than +they will hold, as about that number generally disappoint +a ball-giver. If you wish to have a rush of people, and +do not mind heat, crowding, and discomfort, to insure +an immense assembly, (a ball to be talked about for its +size only,) then you may invite every body who figures +upon your visiting list.</p> + +<p>Over one hundred is a "large ball," under that a +"ball," unless there are less than fifty guests, when it is +merely a "dance."</p> + +<p>The directions given in <a href="#CHPTR_V">chapter 5th</a> for the arrangement +of the dressing-rooms will apply here, but your +parlor, or ball room, requires some attention. Have the +carpets taken up two days before the evening of the ball, +and the floor waxed. A smooth, polished floor is an absolute +necessity for pleasant dancing. At one end of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_160" id="Pg_160">[160]</a></span> +your ball room, have a space partitioned off for the musicians. +Leave, for their use, plenty of room, as silence +or discord will come from a crowded orchestra. If your +house is double, and you use the rooms on each side, +place the musicians in the hall.</p> + +<p>Four pieces of music is enough for a private ball, unless +your rooms are very large. For one room a piano, +violin, and violoncello makes a good band.</p> + +<p>You must have your rooms well ventilated if you wish +to avoid fainting and discomfort.</p> + +<p>To secure a really brilliant ball, pay considerable attention +to the arrangement of your ball room. In Paris +this arrangement consists in turning the room, for the +evening, into a perfect garden. Every corner is filled +with flowers. Wreaths, bouquets, baskets, and flowering-plants +in moss-covered pots. With brilliant light, and +taste in the details of arranging them, this profusion of +flowers produces an exquisitely beautiful effect, and harmonizes +perfectly with the light dresses, cheerful faces, +and gay music. The pleasure of your guests, as well as +the beauty of the rooms, will be increased by the elegance +of your arrangements; their beauty will be +heightened by brilliant light, and by judicious management +a scene of fairy-like illusion may be produced.</p> + +<p>Not only in the ball room itself, but in the hall, supper-room, +and dressing-rooms, place flowers. A fine effect +is produced, by placing a screen, covered with green and +flowers, before the space set apart for the musicians. +To hear the music proceeding from behind this floral embankment, +and yet have the scraping and puffing men +invisible, adds very much to the illusion of the scene.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_161" id="Pg_161">[161]</a></span> +In the dressing-rooms have, at least, two servants for +each. Let them take the cloaks and hoods, and put a +numbered ticket upon each bundle, handing the duplicate +number to the lady or gentleman owning it.</p> + +<p>It is best to have the supper-room upon the same floor +as the ball room. The light dresses, worn upon such occasions, +suffer severely in passing up and down a crowded +staircase.</p> + +<p>Have a number of double cards written or printed +with a list of the dances, arranged in order, upon one +side, and a space for engagements upon the other. Attach +a small pencil to each. Let a waiter stand at the +entrance to the ball room, and hand a card to each guest +as they pass in.</p> + +<p>The first strain of music must be a march; then follows +a quadrille, then a waltz. Other dances follow in +any order you prefer until the fourteenth, which should +be the march which announces supper. If you throw +open the supper-room, early, and the guests go out when +they wish, the march may be omitted. Twenty-one to +twenty-four dances are sufficient. Have an interval of +ten minutes after each one.</p> + +<p>The supper-room should be thrown open at midnight, +and remain open until your last guest has departed. +Let it be brilliantly lighted, and have plenty of waiters +in attendance.</p> + +<p>There can be no rule laid down for the supper. It +may be hot or heavily iced. It may consist entirely of +confectionary, or it may include the bill of fare for a +hotel table. One rule you must observe; have abundance +of everything. Other entertainments may be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_162" id="Pg_162">[162]</a></span> +given upon economical principles, but a ball cannot. +Light, attendance, supper, every detail must be carefully +attended to, and a ball must be an expensive luxury.</p> + +<p>At a ball-supper every one stands up. The waiters +will hand refreshment from the tables to the gentlemen, +who, in turn, wait upon the ladies.</p> + +<p>You must bring forth your whole array of smiles, +when you perform the part of hostess in a ball room. +As your guests will come dropping in at all hours, you +must hover near the door to greet each one entering. +There will be many strangers amongst the gentlemen. +Miss G. will bring her fiancée. Miss L., her brother, +just returned, after ten years' absence, from India. +Miss R. introduces her cousin, in the city for a week. +Miss M., as a belle, will, perhaps, take the liberty of +telling some ten or twelve of her most devoted admirers +where she may be seen on the evening of your ball, and, +though strangers, they will, one after another, bow over +your hand. To each and every one you must extend +the amiable greeting due to an invited guest. If you +are the only lady of the house, your duties will, indeed, +be laborious. You must be everywhere at the same moment. +Not a guest must pass unwelcomed. You must +introduce partners to all the wall-flowers. You must see +that every set is made up before the music commences. +Each guest must be introduced to a proper partner for +every dance, and not one frown, one pettish word, one +look of fatigue, one sigh of utter weariness must disturb +your smiling serenity. You must be ready to chat cheerfully +with every bore who detains you, when crossing the +room, to make up a set of quadrilles in a minute's time;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_163" id="Pg_163">[163]</a></span> +listen patiently to the sighing lover, whose fair one is +engaged fifty times during twenty dances; secure a good +dancer for each longing belle; do the same for the beaux; +yet you must never be hurried, worried, or fatigued.</p> + +<p>If there are several ladies, a mother and two or three +daughters, for instance, divide the duties. Let one receive +the guests, another arrange the sets, a third introduce +couples, and a fourth pair off the talkers. A +brother or father will be a treasure in a ball room, as +the standing of sets can be better managed by a gentleman +than a lady.</p> + +<p>None of the ladies who give the ball should dance +until every fair guest has a partner.</p> + +<p>One of your duties will be to see that no young ladies +lose their supper for want of an escort to ask them to go +out. You may give the hint to an intimate gentleman +friend, if there is no brother or father to take the duty, +introduce him to the disconsolate damsel, and send her +off happy. If all the guests go to the supper-room +when it is first thrown open, you must be the last to leave +the ball room. For the hostess to take the lead to the +supper-room, leaving her guests to pair off, and follow +as they please, is in very bad taste.</p> + +<p>If you announce supper by a march, many of your +guests will remain in the ball room, to promenade, avoid +the crowd at the first table, and indulge in a tête-à-tête +conversation. These will afterwards go out, in pairs, +when the first crush in the refreshment-room is over.</p> + +<p>If, by accident or negligence, you miss an introduction +to any of your gentlemen guests, you may still speak to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_164" id="Pg_164">[164]</a></span> +them if you wish. It is your privilege as hostess to introduce +yourself, and invite any gentleman to dance with +you, or offer to introduce him to a partner. In the latter +case he ought to mention his name, but if he omits to +do so, you may ask it.</p> + +<p>There has been a custom introduced in some of our +large cities lately, which is an admirable one for a private +ball. It is to hire, for the evening, a public hall. +This includes the dressing-room, supper-room, every +comfort, and saves you from the thousand annoyances +which are certain to follow a ball in a private house. +You hire the hall and other rooms, the price including +light, hire a band of music, and order a supper at a confectioners, +hiring from his establishment all the china, +glass, and silver you will want. In this case you must +enclose in every invitation a ticket to admit your friend's +party, to prevent loungers from the street coming in, uninvited.</p> + +<p>You will, perhaps, find the actual outlay of money +greater, when you thus hire your ball room, but you will +save more than the difference in labor, annoyance, and +the injury to your house. You secure a better room +than any parlor, you have the floor waxed and polished +without the trouble of taking up your carpets. You +save all the dreadful labor of cleaning up the house the +next day, as well as that of preparation.</p> + +<p>You can, if you wish, invite a few friends to a late +dinner with you, and all proceed to the ball room together. +You must be the first to enter the room, the +last to leave it, and every duty is the same as if you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_165" id="Pg_165">[165]</a></span> +were at home; the ball room is, in fact, your own house, +for the evening.</p> + +<p>If you wish your guests to come in costume for a +fancy ball, name the character of the entertainment in +your invitation.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_166" id="Pg_166">[166]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XIX" id="CHPTR_XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX.<br /> +<span class="subttl">BALL ROOM ETIQUETTE.</span><br /> +<span class="subttl2">FOR THE GUEST.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>As in every other case where hospitality is extended +to you by invitation, you must send your answer as soon +as possible, accepting or declining the civility.</p> + +<p>In preparing a costume for a ball, choose something +very light. Heavy, dark silks are out of place in a ball +room, and black should be worn in no material but lace. +For a married lady, rich silk of some light color, trimmed +with flowers, lace, or tulle; white silk plain, or lace over +satin, make an exquisite toilette. Jewels are perfectly +appropriate; also feathers in the <i>coiffure</i>.</p> + +<p>For the young lady, pure white or light colors should +be worn, and the most appropriate dress is of some thin +material made over silk, white, or the same color as the +outer dress. Satin or velvet are entirely out of place on +a young lady. Let the <i>coiffure</i> be of flowers or ribbons, +never feathers, and but very little jewelry is becoming to +an unmarried lady. All ladies must wear boots or slippers +of satin, white, black, or the color of the dress. +White are the most appropriate; black, the most becoming<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_167" id="Pg_167">[167]</a></span> +to the foot. White kid gloves, full trimmed, a fine lace +trimmed handkerchief, and a fan, are indispensable. Be +very careful, when dressing for a ball, that the hair is +firmly fastened, and the <i>coiffure</i> properly adjusted. +Nothing is more annoying than to have the hair loosen +or the head-dress fall off in a crowded ball room.</p> + +<p>Your first duty, upon entering the room, is to speak +to your hostess. After a few words of greeting, turn to +the other guests.</p> + +<p>At a private ball, no lady will refuse an introduction +to a gentleman. It is an insult to her hostess, implying +that her guests are <em>not gentlemen</em>. It is optional with +the lady whether to continue or drop the acquaintance +after the ball is over, but for that evening, however disagreeable, +etiquette requires her to accept him for <em>one</em> +dance, if she is disengaged, and her hostess requests it. +At a public ball, it is safest to decline all introductions +made by the master of ceremonies, though, as before, +such acquaintances are not binding after the evening is +over.</p> + +<p>Be very careful how you refuse to dance with a gentleman. +A prior engagement will, of course, excuse +you, but if you plead fatigue, or really feel it, do not +dance the set with another gentleman; it is most insulting, +though sometimes done. On the other hand, be +careful that you do not engage yourself twice for the +same quadrille. In a polka or valse, you may do this, +saying, "I will dance the second half with you, but have +a prior engagement for the first." Then, after a few +rounds with your first partner, say to him that you are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_168" id="Pg_168">[168]</a></span> +engaged for the remainder of the dance, resume your +seat, and your second partner will seek you.</p> + +<p>Let your manner in a ball room be quiet. It looks +very badly to see a lady endeavoring to attract attention +by her boisterous manner, loud talking, or over-active +dancing. Do not drag through dances as if you found +them wearisome; it is an insult to your partner, but +while you are cheerful and animated, be lady-like and +dignified in your deportment.</p> + +<p>At the end of each dance, your partner will offer his +arm, and conduct you to a seat; then bow, and release +him from further attendance, as he may be engaged for +the next dance.</p> + +<p>When invited to dance, hand your ball card to the +gentleman, who will put his name in one of the vacant +places.</p> + +<p>If you wish to go to the supper-room, accept the invitation +that will be made, after the dances whilst it is +open, but do not remain there long. You may be keeping +your escort from other engagements.</p> + +<p>If you are accompanied by a gentleman, besides your +father or brother, remember he has the right to the first +dance, and also will expect to take you in to supper. +Do not let any one else interfere with his privilege.</p> + +<p>If you wish, during the evening, to go to the dressing-room +to arrange any part of your dress, request the gentleman +with whom you are dancing to escort you there. +He will wait for you at the door, and take you back to +the ball-room. Do not detain him any longer than is +necessary. Never leave the ball room, for any such purpose, +alone, as there are always gentlemen near and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_169" id="Pg_169">[169]</a></span> +round the door, and it looks very badly to see a lady, +unattended, going through a crowd of gentlemen.</p> + +<p>It is best at a ball, to dance only every other dance, +as over-fatigue, and probably a flushed face, will follow +too much dancing. Decline the intermediate ones, on +the plea of fatigue, or fear of fatigue.</p> + +<p>Never go into the supper-room with the same gentleman +twice. You may go more than once, if you wish +for an ice or glass of water, (surely no lady wants two +or three <em>suppers</em>,) but do not tax the same gentleman +more than once, even if he invites you after each dance.</p> + +<p>No lady of taste will carry on a flirtation in a ball +room, so as to attract remark. Be careful, unless you +wish your name coupled with his, how you dance too +often with the same gentleman.</p> + +<p>If you are so unfortunate as, forgetting a prior engagement, +to engage yourself to two gentlemen for the +same dance, decline dancing it altogether, or you will +surely offend one of them.</p> + +<p>Never press forward to take the lead in a quadrille, +and if others, not understanding the figures, make confusion, +try to get through without remark. It is useless +to attempt to teach them, as the music, and other sets, +will finish the figure long before you can teach and dance +it. Keep your temper, refrain from all remark, and endeavor +to make your partner forget, in your cheerful +conversation, the annoyances of the dance.</p> + +<p>There is much that is exhilarating in the atmosphere +of a ball room. The light, music, company, and even +dancing itself, are all conducive to high spirits; be careful +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_170" id="Pg_170">[170]</a></span> +that this flow of spirits does not lead you into hoydenism +and rudeness. Guard your actions and your +tongue, that you may leave the room as quietly and +gracefully as you enter it.</p> + +<p>Avoid confidential conversation in a ball room. It is +out of season, and in excessively bad taste.</p> + +<p>Be modest and reserved, but avoid bashfulness. It +looks like a school-girl, and is invariably awkward.</p> + +<p>Never allow your partner, though he may be your +most intimate friend, to converse in a low tone, or in any +way assume a confidential or lover-like air at a ball. It +is in excessively bad taste, and gives annoyance frequently, +as others suppose such low-toned remarks may +refer to them.</p> + +<p>Dance as others do. It has a very absurd look to +take every step with dancing-school accuracy, and your +partner will be the first one to notice it. A quadrille +takes no more steps than a graceful walk.</p> + +<p>Never stand up to dance in a quadrille, unless you are +perfectly familiar with the figures, depending upon your +partner to lead you through. You will probably cause +utter confusion in the set, annoy the others forming it, +and make yourself appear absurd.</p> + +<p>No young lady should go to a ball, without the protection +of a married lady, or an elderly gentleman.</p> + +<p>Never cross a ball room alone.</p> + +<p>Never remain in a ball room until all the company +have left it, or even until the last set. It is ill-bred, and +looks as if you were unaccustomed to such pleasures, and +so desirous to prolong each one. Leave while there are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_171" id="Pg_171">[171]</a></span> +still two or three sets to be danced. Do not accept any +invitation for these late dances, as the gentleman who +invites you may find out your absence too late to take +another partner, and you will thus deprive him of the +pleasure of dancing.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_172" id="Pg_172">[172]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XX" id="CHPTR_XX"></a>CHAPTER XX.<br /> +<span class="subttl">PLACES OF AMUSEMENT.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>Do not accept an invitation to visit any place of public +amusement, with a gentleman with whom you are but +slightly acquainted, unless there is another lady also invited. +You may, as a young lady, go with a relative or +your fiancée, without a chaperon, but not otherwise.</p> + +<p>Having received an invitation which it is proper for +you to accept, write an answer immediately, appointing +an hour for your escort to call for you, and be sure that +you are ready in good season. To arrive late is not only +annoying to those near your seat, whom you disturb +when you enter, but it is ill-bred; you will be supposed +to be some one who is unable to come early, instead of +appearing as a lady who is mistress of her own time.</p> + +<p>If the evening is cloudy, or it rains, your escort will +probably bring a carriage; and let me say a few words +here about entering and leaving a carriage.</p> + +<p>How to get in is difficult, but of less importance than +getting out; because if you stumble in, no one sees you, +but some one who may happen to be in the carriage; +but how to get out is so important, that I will illustrate +it by a short diplomatic anecdote:—</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_173" id="Pg_173">[173]</a></span> +"The Princess of Hesse-Darmstadt," says M. Mercy +d'Argenteau, an ambassador of the last century, "having +been desired by the Empress of Austria to bring her +three daughters to court, in order that her Imperial +Majesty might choose one of them for a wife to one of +her sons, drove up in her coach to the palace gate. +Scarcely had they entered the presence, when, before +even speaking to them, the empress went up to the second +daughter, and, taking her by the hand, said, 'I choose +this young lady.' The mother, astonished at the suddenness +of her choice, inquired what had actuated it. +'I watched the young ladies get out of their carriage,' +said the empress. 'Your eldest daughter stepped on her +dress, and only saved herself from falling by an awkward +scramble; the youngest jumped from the coach to the +ground, without touching the steps; the second, just +lifting her dress in front, so as she descended to show +the point of her shoe, calmly stepped from the carriage +to the ground, neither hurriedly nor stiffly, but with +grace and dignity: she is fit to be an empress; her eldest +sister is too awkward, her youngest too wild.'"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Theatre</span>—Here you must wear your bonnet, +though you may throw aside your cloak or shawl, if you +desire it. Your escort will pass to your seats first, and +then turn and offer his hand to lead you to your own. +Once seated, give your attention entirely to the actors +whilst the curtain is up—to your companion when it is +down.</p> + +<p>Do not look round the house with your glass. A +lady's deportment should be very modest in a theatre. +Avoid carefully every motion, or gesture that will attract<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_174" id="Pg_174">[174]</a></span> +attention. To flirt a fan, converse in whispers, indulge +in extravagant gestures of merriment or admiration, +laugh loudly or clap your hands together, are all excessively +vulgar and unlady-like. Never turn your head to +look at those seated behind you, or near you.</p> + +<p>If you speak to your companion while the curtain is +up, lower your voice, that you may not disturb others +interested in the conversation on the stage.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Opera</span>—Here you should wear full dress, an +opera cloak, and either a head-dress, or dressy bonnet +of some thin material. Your gloves must be of kid, +white, or some very light tint to suit your dress. Many +dress for the opera as they would for the theatre; but +the beauty of the house is much enhanced by each lady +contributing her full dress toilette to the general effect.</p> + +<p>If you go to the dressing-room, leave your hood and +shawl in the care of the woman in waiting, whom you +must fee when she returns them to you.</p> + +<p>If you do not wish to go to the dressing-room, allow +your escort to take off your shawl or cloak, and throw it +over the back of the seat. As your opera cloak must be +light enough to keep on all the evening, though you may +throw it open, you must wear over it a heavier cloak or +a shawl. Throw this off in the lobby, just before you +enter your box. Your gloves you must keep on all the +evening.</p> + +<p>Avoid handling the play bills, as the printing ink will +soil your gloves in a few minutes, making your hands +appear very badly for the rest of the evening.</p> + +<p>You should be in your seat at the opera before the +overture commences.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_175" id="Pg_175">[175]</a></span> +Never converse during the performance. Even the +lowest toned remark will disturb a real lover of music, +and these will be near you on all sides. Exclamations +of admiration, "Exquisite!" "Beautiful!" or "Lovely!" +are in the worst taste. Show your appreciation by quiet +attention to every note, and avoid every exclamation or +gesture.</p> + +<p>In our new opera houses there are rooms for promenade, +and between the acts your escort may invite you +to walk there. You may accept the invitation with perfect +propriety. He will leave the box first and then +offer his hand to you. In the lobby take his arm, and +keep it until you return to the box. If you have taken +your cloak or shawl to your seat, leave them there during +your promenade. Return to your seat when the gong +sounds the recall, that you may not disturb others after +the next act commences.</p> + +<p>In walking up and down in the promenading saloon, +you may pass and repass friends. Bow the first time +you meet them, but not again.</p> + +<p>If you meet your gentlemen friends there, bow, but +do not stop to speak. They may join you for once +round the room, then allow them to leave you. Your +escort will feel justly offended if you allow any other +gentlemen to engross your attention entirely when he +has invited you to the entertainment.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Concerts</span>—Here, as at the opera, you may wear a +bonnet or not, as you will. Go early to the hall, unless +you have secured a seat, and then, be in time for the +first song. If you are unavoidably late, enter quietly, +and take a seat near the door. It is very rude to push<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_176" id="Pg_176">[176]</a></span> +forward to the front of the hall, and either crowd those +upon the benches, or force some gentleman to offer you +his place. If the hall is so crowded that even the back +seats are full, and a gentleman offers you his place, you +should thank him before accepting it.</p> + +<p>Again, I repeat, do not converse, or disturb those +around you by exclamations or gesticulations.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lectures</span>—Two ladies may attend a lecture, unaccompanied +by a gentleman, without attracting attention.</p> + +<p>The dress, bonnet, and cloak, worn in the street, +should be worn in a lecture-room, as these are, by no +means, occasions for full dress.</p> + +<p>If you return at an early hour from any place of +amusement, invite your escort into the house upon your +arrival there, and lay aside your bonnet and shawl. If +you keep them on, he will conclude that you expect him +to shorten his visit. If it is late when you reach home, +he will probably decline your invitation to enter. If, +however, he accepts it, do not lay aside your shawl, and +he will soon leave you.</p> + +<p>If he asks permission to call in the morning, you must, +unless prevented by an imperative engagement, remain +at home to see him.</p> + +<p>Upon your way home from the theatre, concert, or +opera, speak warmly of the pleasure of the evening, and, +at parting, thank him for that pleasure. Show by your +manner that you have heartily enjoyed the entertainment +you owe to his civility. If you are weary, do not allow +him to see it. If disappointed, conceal that also. You +will be able to find <em>some</em> good points in the performance; +speak of these and ignore the bad ones.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_177" id="Pg_177">[177]</a></span> +If at the theatre, opera, or in a concert-room, you see +an acquaintance, you are not expected to recognize her, +unless near enough to speak. A lady must not bow to +any one, even her own sister, across a theatre or concert-room.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_178" id="Pg_178">[178]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XXI" id="CHPTR_XXI"></a>CHAPTER XXI.<br /> +<span class="subttl">ACCOMPLISHMENTS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>In the present age, when education is within the reach +of all, both rich and poor, every lady will endeavor to +become, not only well educated, but accomplished. It is +not, as some will assert, a waste of time or money. Not +only the fingers, voice, and figure are improved, but the +heart and intellect will become refined, and the happiness +greatly increased.</p> + +<p>Take the young lady after a solid basis has been laid +in her mind of the more important branches of education, +and rear upon that basis the structure of lighter education—the +accomplishments. To cultivate these, disregarding +the more solid information, is to build your castle +without any foundation, and make it, not only absurd, +but unsteady. The pleasure of hearing from a lady a +<i>cavatina</i> executed in the most finished manner, will be +entirely destroyed, if her first spoken words after the +performance are vulgar, or her sentence ungrammatical.</p> + +<p>A lady without her piano, or her pencil, her library +of French, German, or Italian authors, her fancy work +and tasteful embroideries, is now rarely met with, and it +is right that such arts should be universal. No woman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_179" id="Pg_179">[179]</a></span> +is fitted for society until she dances well; for home, +unless she is perfect mistress of needlework; for +her own enjoyment, unless she has at least one accomplishment +to occupy thoughts and fingers in her hours of +leisure.</p> + +<p>First upon the list of accomplishments, comes the art +of conversing well. It is always ready. Circumstances +in society will constantly throw you into positions where +you can use no other accomplishment. You will not +have a musical instrument within reach, singing would be +out of place, your fancy work at home, on many occasions, +and then you can exert your most fascinating as +well as useful accomplishment, the art of conversing +well.</p> + +<p>Little culture, unfortunately, is bestowed upon this +accomplishment, which, beyond all others, promotes the +happiness of home, enlivens society, and improves the +minds of both speaker and listener. How many excellent +women are deficient in the power of expressing +themselves well, or, indeed, of expressing themselves at +all! How many minds "cream and mantle" from the +want of energy to pour themselves out in words! On +the other hand, how some, equally well-intentioned, +drown the very senses in their torrent of remarks, which +dashes, like a water-fall, into a sombre pool of <i>ennui</i> +below!</p> + +<p>One lady will enter society, well-dressed, well-looking, +polite; she does not intend to chill it by her presence; +yet her absence is found a relief. She takes her place +as if she considered it sufficient to dress and look well. +She brings no stock to the community of ideas. Her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_180" id="Pg_180">[180]</a></span> +eyes return no response to the discourse which is going +on. When you have once glanced at her, she becomes +a mere expletive in the company.</p> + +<p>Another one will be found a talker. She is like a canary +bird; when others begin to speak, she hurries in +her remarks, in an accompaniment. Her voice must be +uppermost; conversation becomes a contest who can +speak the most rapidly. The timid and modest retire +from the encounter—she has the field to herself. She +goes on, without mercy; the voice of a syren would fatigue, +if heard continually. Others revolt at the injustice +of the monopoly, and the words fall on ears that would +be deaf if they could.</p> + +<p>These are extreme cases; there are many other minor +errors. The higher qualities of conversation must undoubtedly +be based upon the higher qualities of the +mind; then it is, indeed, a privilege to commune with +others.</p> + +<p>To acquire the power of thus imparting the highest +pleasure by conversational powers, attention must be paid +to literature. I am supposing the solid foundation of a +good education already laid, but by literature, I do not +mean only that class of it which is taught at school.</p> + +<p>Reading, at the present day, is too much confined to +light literature. I would not speak against this. The +modern novels, and the poets of all ages, are good reading, +but let them be taken in moderation, and varied by +something more solid. Let them be the dessert to the +more substantial <em>dinner</em> of history, travels, and works of +a like nature.</p> + +<p>Independent of the strength and polish given to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_181" id="Pg_181">[181]</a></span> +mind by a thorough course of reading, there is another +reason why a lady should devote some portion of her +time to it; she cannot do without it. She may, lacking +this, pass through life respectably, even elegantly; but +she cannot take her part in a communing with superior +minds; she may enjoy, in wondering, the radiance of +their intelligence; but the wondering must be composed, +in part, of amazement at her own folly, in not having +herself sought out the treasure concealed in the fathomless +depths of books. She cannot truly enjoy society, +with this art neglected. She may, for a few brief years, +be the ornament of the drawing-room; but it must be, +like many other ornaments there, in still life; she can +never be the companion of the intellectual; and the time +is gone by, when women, with all their energies excited, +will be contented to be the mere plaything of brother, +husband, or father.</p> + +<p>Still it is not to the erudite, nor to the imaginative +only, that it is given to please in conversation.</p> + +<p>The art of imparting our ideas easily and elegantly to +others, may be improved by ourselves, if there are opportunities +of mingling in good society, with little study. +The mind must first be cultivated; but it should not +abash those who are conscious of moderate talents, or +imperfect cultivation, from taking a due part in conversation, +on account of their inferiority. It is a very different +thing to shine and to please; to shine in society +is more frequently attempted than compassed: to please +is in the power of all. The effort to shine, when fruitless, +brings a certain disgrace, and engenders mortification; +all good people are inclined to take the will for the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_182" id="Pg_182">[182]</a></span> +deed, when they see a desire to please. A gentle, deferential, +kind manner, will disarm even the most discerning +from criticising too severely the deficiencies of the inexperienced; +confidence, disrespect of others, volubility, +eagerness to dispute, must irritate the self-love of others, +and produce an averseness to acknowledge talent or information, +where they may even happen to exist.</p> + +<p>It is wiser and safer for a young lady, in general, to +observe the good, old-fashioned rule of being addressed +first; but then she must receive the address readily, +meeting it half way, repaying it by enlarging a little +upon the topic thus selected, and not sinking into a dull +silence, the moment after a reply is given. Some young +ladies start, as if thunderstruck, when spoken to, and +stare as if the person who pays them that attention, had +no right to awaken them from their reverie. Others +look affronted, possibly from shyness, and begin a derogatory +attack upon the beauty of their dress by twitching +the front breadth—or move from side to side, in evident +distress and consternation. Time remedies these +defects; but there is one less curable and less endurable—that +of pertness and flippancy—the loud remarks and +exclamations—the look of self-sufficiency and confidence. +But these offensive manifestations spring from some previous +and deep-seated defects of character, and are only +to be repelled by what, I fear, they will frequently encounter—the +mortification of inspiring disgust.</p> + +<p>Neither is the lengthy, prosy, didactic reply, consistent +with the submission and simplicity of youth; egotism, +and egotism once removed, that is, the bringing +into the topic one's own family and relations, are also<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_183" id="Pg_183">[183]</a></span> +antidotes to the true spirit of conversation. In general, +it is wiser, more in good taste, safer, more becoming, +certainly more in accordance with good breeding, to +avoid talking of persons. There are many snares in +such topics; not merely the danger of calumniating, but +that of engendering a slippery conscience in matters of +fact. A young girl, shy and inexpert, states a circumstance; +she feels her deficiency as a narrator, for the +power of telling a story, is a power to be acquired only +by practice. She is sometimes tempted to heighten a +little the incidents, in order to get on a little better, and +to make more impression. She must of course defend +her positions, and then she perils the sanctity of truth. +Besides, few things narrow the intellect more than +dwelling on the peculiarities, natural or incidental, of +that small coterie of persons who constitute our world.</p> + +<p>It is, in general, a wise rule, and one which will tend +much to insure your comfort through life, to avoid disclosures +to others of family affairs. I do not mean to +recommend reserve, or art; to friends and relations, too +great frankness can hardly be practised; but, with acquaintance, +the less our own circumstances are discussed, +the happier, and the more dignified will our commerce +with them continue. On the same principle, let the concerns +of others be touched upon with delicacy, or, if possible, +passed over in silence; more especially those +details which relate to strictly personal or family affairs. +Public deeds are, of course, public property. But personal +affairs are private; and there is a want of true +good breeding, a want of consideration and deference, in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_184" id="Pg_184">[184]</a></span> +speaking freely of them, even if your friend is unconscious +of the liberty taken.</p> + +<p>It seems paradoxical to observe that the art of listening +well forms a part of the duty of conversation. To +give up the whole of your attention to the person who +addresses himself to you, is sometimes a heavy tax, but +it is one which we must pay for the privileges of social +life, and an early practice will render it an almost involuntary +act of good breeding; whilst consideration for +others will give this little sacrifice a merit and a charm.</p> + +<p>To listen well is to make an unconscious advance in +the power of conversing. In listening we perceive in +what the interest, in what the failure of others consists; +we become, too, aware of our own deficiencies, without +having them taught through the medium of humiliation. +We find ourselves often more ignorant than we could +have supposed possible. We learn, by a very moderate +attention to the sort of topics which please, to form a +style of our own. The "art of conversation" is an unpleasant +phrase. The power of conversing well is least +agreeable when it assumes the character of an <em>art</em>.</p> + +<p>In listening, a well-bred lady will gently sympathize +with the speaker; or, if needs must be, differ, as gently. +Much character is shown in the act of listening. Some +people appear to be in a violent hurry whilst another +speaks; they hasten on the person who addresses them, +as one would urge on a horse—with incessant "Yes, yes, +very good—indeed—proceed!" Others sit, on the full +stare, eyes fixed as those of an owl, upon the speaker. +Others will receive every observation with a little hysterical +giggle.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_185" id="Pg_185">[185]</a></span> +But all these vices of manner may be avoided by a +gentle attention and a certain calm dignity of manner, +based upon a reflective, cultivated mind.</p> + +<p>Observation, reading, and study, will form the groundwork +for good powers of conversation, and the more you +read, study, and see, the more varied and interesting +will be your topics.</p> + +<p>A young lady should consider music as one branch of +her education, inferior, in importance, to most of those +studies which are pointed out to her, but attainable in a +sufficient degree by the aid of time, perseverance, and a +moderate degree of instruction. Begun early, and pursued +steadily, there is ample leisure in youth for the attainment +of a science, which confers more cheerfulness, +and brings more pleasure than can readily be conceived.</p> + +<p>A young lady should be able to play with taste, correctness, +and readiness, upon the general principle that +a well educated woman should do all things well. This, +I should suppose, is in the power of most persons; and +it may be attained without loss of health, of time, or +any sacrifice of an important nature. She should consider +it as an advantage, a power to be employed for the +gratification of others, and to be indulged with moderation +and good sense for her own resource, as a change +of occupation.</p> + +<p>Consider in this light, music is what Providence intended +it to be—a social blessing. The whole creation +is replete with music,—a benignant Power has made the +language of the feathered tribe harmony; let us not suppose +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_186" id="Pg_186">[186]</a></span> +that He condemns his other creatures to silence in +the song.</p> + +<p>Music has an influence peculiar to itself. It can allay +the irritation of the mind; it cements families, and +makes a home, which might sometimes be monotonous, a +scene of pleasant excitement. Pursued as a recreation, +it is gentle, rational, lady-like. Followed as a sole object, +it loses its charm, because we perceive it is then +over-rated. The young lady who comes modestly forward, +when called upon as a performer, would cease to +please, were she, for an instant, to assume the air and +confidence of a professional musician. There is a certain +style and manner—confined now to second-rate performers, +for the highest and most esteemed dispense with +it—there is an effort and a dash, which disgust in the +lady who has bad taste enough to assume them.</p> + +<p>And, whilst I am on this topic, let me remark that +there is a great deal in the <em>choice</em> of music, in the selection +of its character, its suitability to your feelings, +style, and taste, and this especially with respect to vocal +music.</p> + +<p>There is no doubt that a good Italian style is the best +for instruction, and that it produces the most careful and +accomplished singers. Suppose a case. Your parents, +most fair reader, have paid a high price to some excellent +professor, to instruct you—and, with a fair ear, and a +sufficient voice, you have been taught some of those +elaborate songs which are most popular at the opera. A +party is assembled—music is one of the diversions. +Forth you step, and, with a just apprehension of the +difficulties of your task, select one of those immortal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_187" id="Pg_187">[187]</a></span> +compositions which the most eminent have made their +study; you execute it wonderfully, only just falling a +<em>little</em> short of all the song should be; only just provoking +a comparison, in every mind, with a high standard, +present in the memory of every cultivated musician near +you. A cold approval, or a good-natured "bravo!" +with, believe me, though you do not hear it, a thorough, +and, often, expressed conviction that you had better have +left the thing alone, follows the effort which has merely +proclaimed the fact that, spite of time and money spent +upon the cultivation of your voice, you are but a second-rate +singer.</p> + +<p>But, choose a wiser, a less pretending, a less conspicuous +path. Throw your knowledge into compositions of a +less startling, less aspiring character. Try only what +you can compass. Be wise enough not to proclaim your +deficiencies, and the critics will go away disarmed, even +if they are not charmed. But if there be <em>any</em> voice, +<em>any</em> feeling, <em>any</em> science, the touching melody, made vocal +by youth and taste, will obtain even a far higher degree +of encomium than, perhaps, it actually merits. +You will please—you will be asked to renew your efforts. +People will not be afraid of cadenzas five minutes long, +or of bravuras, every note of which makes one hope it +may be the last.</p> + +<p>It is true that, to a person who loves music, the performance +of one of the incomparable songs of Bellini, +Rosini, Flotow, or Mozart, is an actual delight—but; +when attempted by a young amateur, it should be, like +many other delights, confined to the private circle, and +not visited upon society in general.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_188" id="Pg_188">[188]</a></span> +Do not suppose that I mean to recommend poor music, +or feeble, ephemeral compositions. What is good need +not, of necessity, be always difficult. Ballad music is +rich in songs adapted for the private performer—and +there are many, in Italian, of great beauty, which, +though they would not be selected for a concert-room, or +for brilliant display, are adapted for ladies.</p> + +<p>Music is the greatest, best substitute for conversation. +It has many merits, in this light. It can never provoke +angry retort; it can never make enemies; it can injure no +one's character by slander; and in playing and singing +one can commit no indiscretion.</p> + +<p>Music is a most excellent amusement, and, in society, +an indispensable one. It aids conversation by +occasionally interrupting it for a short period, to be +renewed with a new impetus. It makes the most delightful +recreation for the home circle, varying the toil +and trouble of the father's or husband's working day, +by the pleasures of the evening made by music's power +to glide smoothly and swiftly.</p> + +<p>There are but few persons who are entirely without a +love for music, even if they do not understand it. They +will be borne along upon the waves of a sweet melody +to high, pure thoughts, often to delicious memories.</p> + +<p>The piano is, at the present day, the most popular instrument +in society. The harp has ceased to be fashionable, +though it is sometimes heard. The latter is a +most beautiful accompaniment for the voice, but requires +a large room, as, in a small one, it will sound +stringy and harsh.</p> + +<p>The guitar, while it makes a very pleasant accompaniment +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_189" id="Pg_189">[189]</a></span> +for the voice, has also the advantage of being easily +carried from place to place.</p> + +<p>It requires as much judgment to select proper instrumental +pieces for a parlor performance, as you would +display in a choice of songs. Page after page of black, +closely printed notes, will drive those who see them from +the piano. They may be executed in the most finished +style, but they are not suited to general society. In +their place, for practice, or for a musical soirée, where +every one puts forth her best musical powers, they are +appropriate, and will give pleasure, but they are not +suited for a mixed party. When asked to play, choose, +if you will, a brilliant, showy piece, but let it be short. +It is better still to make no attempt at display, but +simply try to please, selecting the music your own judgment +tells you is best suited to your audience.</p> + +<p>Avoid the loud, thumping style, and also the over-solemn +style.</p> + +<p>Be sure, before you accept any invitation to play, that +you know perfectly the piece you undertake. It is better +to play the simplest airs in a finished, faultless manner, +than to play imperfectly the most brilliant variations.</p> + +<p>Avoid movement at the piano. Swinging the body +to and fro, moving the head, rolling the eyes, raising the +hands too much, are all bad tricks, and should be carefully +abstained from.</p> + +<p>With respect to drawing, modeling, or any pursuits +of the same nature, so much depends on taste and opportunity, +and they are so little the accomplishments of +society that they require but few of those restrictions<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_190" id="Pg_190">[190]</a></span> +which music, in its use and abuse, demands. Drawing, +like music, should be cultivated early. Its advantages +are the habits of perseverance and occupation, which it +induces; and the additional delight which it gives to the +works, both of nature and of art. Like music, it gives +independence—independence of society. The true lover +of the arts has a superiority over the indifferent, and, if +she be not better prepared for society, is much better +fitted for retirement than those who are not so happily +endowed with tastes, when in moderation, so innocent +and beneficial.</p> + +<p>There is no accomplishment more graceful, pleasing, +healthy, and lady-like, than that of riding well. Avoiding, +at the same time, timidity and the "fast" style, +keeping within the bounds of elegant propriety, gracefully +yielding to the guidance of your escort, and keeping +your seat easily, yet steadily, are all points to be +acquired.</p> + +<p>To ride well is undoubtedly an admirable qualification +for a lady, as she may be as feminine in the saddle as +in the ball room or home circle. It is a mistaken idea +to suppose that to become an accomplished horse-woman +a lady must unsex herself. But she must have a reserve +in her manner, that will prevent contamination from the +intercourse which too much riding may lead to. To +hunt, or follow the field sports, in a pursuit which is the +track of blood, disgusts the true admirer of gentle breeding. +And such diversions will certainly result in a +coarseness of manner and expression, growing upon the +fair equestrian slowly but surely. A harsh voice, loud +tone, expressions suited only to manly lips, but unconsciously +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_191" id="Pg_191">[191]</a></span> +copied, will follow her devotion to the unfeminine +pursuit.</p> + +<p>Nothing is more revolting than a woman who catches the +tone and expressions of men. To hear the slang of jockeyism +from female lips, is very offensive, yet ladies who mix +in field sports are liable, nay, almost certain, to fall into a +style of conversation which is ten times worse than the +coarsest terms from the lips of a man. Instances there +are, of the fairest of our sex, from a fondness for such +diversions, and a habitual participation in such society, +becoming hard, bold, and disgusting, even whilst retaining +all their female loveliness of person.</p> + +<p>A lady, unless she lives in the most retired parts of +the country, should never ride alone, and even then she +will be awkwardly placed, in case of accident, without an +escort. In the cities, not only is it unfeminine, but +positively dangerous, for a lady to ride unaccompanied +by a gentleman, or a man servant.</p> + +<p>Although it is impossible, within the limits of this +little volume, to give many hints upon riding, a few may +not be amiss. Like many other accomplishments, a +teacher is necessary, if you wish to attain perfection, +and no written directions can make you a finished horse-woman, +unless you have had tuition and practice.</p> + +<p>1. In mounting you are desired, gentle Amazon, to +spring gracefully into your saddle, with the slight assistance +of a hand placed beneath the sole of the shoe, instead +of scrambling uncouthly to your "wandering +throne," as Miss Fanshawe wittily calls it, from a high +chair, as is frequently done by those who have not been +properly instructed. To mount in the orthodox manner,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_192" id="Pg_192">[192]</a></span> +you should stand nearly close to the horse, level with the +front of the saddle, and taking the reins slackly in your +right hand, you should place that hand on the nearest +pommel, to secure your balance in rising, and with your +left hand gather up the front of the habit, so as to leave +the feet clear. The gentleman should place himself +firmly, near, but not so near to you as to impede your +rising, and with the same view must hold his head well +back, as should he lose his hat from a whisk of your +habit the effect produced is not good. You should then +present your left foot, and the gentleman placing one +hand beneath its sole, and the other above, so as to possess +a safe hold, should, with nice judgment, give just +such assistance as will enable you easily, with a spring, +to vault gracefully into the saddle. You will then arrange +your right leg comfortably over the pommel, your +cavalier will then place your left foot in the stirrup and +arrange the flow of the habit-skirt, and all is complete. +All this, though so seemingly simple and easy, requires +some little practice to effect neatly and gracefully.</p> + +<p>2. Secondly, when riding with a gentleman, remember +that you are best placed on the <em>left</em> side; because in that +position the graceful flow of your habit is seen to the +greatest advantage, while it does not inconvenience the +gentleman by getting entangled with his stirrup, nor +does it receive the splashes of his horse.</p> + +<p>3. But when you have a double attendance of cavaliers, +if you be at all a timid rider, it may become discreet to +"<i>pack</i>" you (forgive the homely phrase) between the +two, since, in this position, you are the most thoroughly +protected from your own horse's shying, or from other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_193" id="Pg_193">[193]</a></span> +horses or vehicles approaching you too closely, being thus +forced to take that part of the road to which the better +judgment of your companions inevitably guides you. If +you be an accomplished equestrian, you will prefer being +outside, and (as has been said) to the left.</p> + +<p>Sit erect in the middle of your saddle, turning your +face full towards the head of your horse. Cling as +closely as possible to the saddle, but avoid stooping forward, +or using your hands to keep you in your seat. +Nervous motions on horseback are not only ungraceful, +but dangerous, as your horse will not make any allowance +for the delicacy of your nerves, and may prove his +objections to a jerking hand, or a twitching rein, in a +most decided and disagreeable manner.</p> + +<p>The riding-dress, or habit, is best made to fit the figure +tightly, with tight sleeves. It may be open in the front, +over a neatly fitting chemisette, or buttoned close to the +throat, with a neat linen collar and cuffs. The loose +sacque is ungraceful, but a basque is most becoming on +horseback. Gauntlet gloves, of leather, are the most +suitable, and must be loose enough to give your hand +perfect freedom, yet not so loose as to interfere with its +motions. Do not wear the skirt too long; it will be +dangerous in case of accident, and it may prove annoying +to your horse. Your habit must be made of a material +sufficiently heavy to hang gracefully, and not move +too much with the wind. For a winter habit, a warmly-lined +basque, trimmed at the throat and hands with fur, +is an elegant and appropriate dress, and a round cap of +the same cloth as the habit, with a band, and pieces to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_194" id="Pg_194">[194]</a></span> +cover the ears, of fur to match the dress trimmings, +makes a handsome and appropriate dress.</p> + +<p>In summer, your hat should be of fine straw, and +slouched to shade the face; in winter, of felt, or, if you +prefer, a close cap of cloth. The hat may be trimmed +with feathers or knots of ribbon, and the shape should be +one to protect the complexion, at the same time graceful +and becoming.</p> + +<p>Avoid any display in a riding dress. Choose a material +of some dark or neutral tint, and never use showy trimmings.</p> + +<p>Curls, or any flowing loose style of wearing the hair, +will be found exceedingly troublesome on horseback. +Arrange it neatly and compactly under your hat, for if +a stray curl or lock annoys you, or is blown across your +eyes by the wind, your hands will be too fully occupied +to remedy the difficulty.</p> + +<p>Your whip should be light and small, tasteful if you +will, but not showy.</p> + +<p>At the period for which these hints are intended, the +Modern Languages should form a portion of acquirement. +As in music, an intelligent and assiduous girl +may, I believe, acquire an adequate degree of proficiency +in French, German, and Italian, without having been +abroad, though a foreign tour will be of the greatest use +in the acquisition of the accent and niceties of each +tongue. With respect to French, it is no doubt essential +to comfort to understand it; it is one of the attributes +of a lady to speak it well; still, it is not indispensable to +speak it so well that the American lady is mistaken for +a Parisian. This, which but seldom happens, can only<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_195" id="Pg_195">[195]</a></span> +be acquired, in most cases, by a residence abroad. But +French is thoroughly and grammatically taught in +America. It is only the habit of speaking, the idioms +and niceties, which cannot be acquired except by converse +with a native.</p> + +<p>There are hundreds of competent instructors in this +country, French ladies and gentlemen amongst the number, +who form classes for conversation and familiarizing +their pupils with these very idioms. After availing herself +of such advantages, a young lady will find that a +very short residence abroad will improve and facilitate +her French conversation.</p> + +<p>Much, however, will depend upon how you use the opportunities +within your reach. There are many opportunities +of practice in large towns; and foreigners give +all facilities, by their readiness to converse, their good-nature +in listening, and in helping the beginner by kind +hints. If a young lady, with simplicity, good breeding, +and good taste, endeavors to speak whenever she has an +opportunity, words will come as if by intuition. Do not +think of by-standers and lookers-on; think only of the +individual to whom you are addressing yourself. If possible, +be not abashed by one or two errors at the first +plunge—swim on till you have confidence. The effort, I +grant, is great, and it may be obviated by a foreign education; +but where this is impossible, the freedom acquired +will more than repay the exertion.</p> + +<p>In foreign literature, walk carefully, and if you have +an older, wiser head than your own to point out the best +paths, improve the advantage.</p> + +<p>One cannot help deeming it a great era in education<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_196" id="Pg_196">[196]</a></span> +that German is cultivated as well as Italian and French, +and that stores of literature are opened, to vary the delights +of intellect, and to give freshness and interest to +the studies of youth.</p> + +<p>The rapture with which the works of Schiller are perused +in the original, seems to repay the hours devoted +to German; and I am sure the perusal of Tasso, or of +the Aristodemo of Monti, would reward the study of +Italian, were not the acquisition of that exquisite language +of itself a source of poetic pleasure.</p> + +<p>The modern French writers have increased an everlasting +responsibility in corrupting the sources of amusement, +open to the young readers, and it is remarkable +that most of the distinguished French authors seem to +have felt that they had erred, and to have retrieved in +some of their works the tendencies of their other productions. +Take for instance, Madame de Stael; her +books cannot be judged altogether; the effect of some +of her eloquent and almost incomparable writings varies +in an extraordinary degree. Whilst "Delphine" is unfit +for the perusal of a modest woman, her "L'Allemagne" +is finely written throughout, and her criticisms and +analyses of German writers are full of instruction as well +as interest.</p> + +<p>Still the works open to readers of French are numerous. +The tragedies of Corneille and Racine are forcible +and finished, and should be read because classical. The +"Alzire" of Voltaire and his "Zaire" with the dramas of +Casimir de la Vigne are also worthy of perusal. It is +not an inspiriting kind of reading, but it is rich in sentiment, +and perfectly unexceptionable in moral tone.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_197" id="Pg_197">[197]</a></span> +Although the scepticism of most German writers renders +this literature dangerous to a young mind, there are +fields of pure, noble writing open in that language. The +works of Schiller, for example. His mind was originally +noble, his heart good, his love to mankind, and his enquiry +after truth were sincere. In early life, he wavered; +and the besetting scepticism of the Germans dimmed, +for a time, his perceptions of all that is most sublime, as +well as true, in our finite knowledge. He was chastened—he +suffered—he believed. He died an early but a +bright instance that great genius may exist with true and +humble piety, and that the mind is never so powerful as +when illumined by divine light. His works are a magnificent +library in themselves—and I could almost say, +be contented to learn German and to read Schiller. +Some of his works are open to objection, his "Bride of +Messina," portions of "The Robbers," are better omitted +from your collection, but "Wallenstein" and "Maria +Stuart" are noble and admirable productions. On this +subject, and, indeed, on the whole of German literature, +Madame de Stael is an excellent guide in her "L'Allemagne," +to which I refer the young German student, +who is sincerely desirous of gleaning the good, and +avoiding the evil in German compositions.</p> + +<p>Italian literature furnishes a delightful theme for comment. +It is singular that an enslaved, and, during many +ages, a depraved and degraded people, should have possessed +the purest poetry, the least exceptionable drama, +in Europe. There is little to exclude, and much to recommend, +in this beautiful language. The works of +Tasso abound with high sentiment; the "Inferno" of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_198" id="Pg_198">[198]</a></span> +Dante is a sublime picture of eternal retribution, softened +with most touching pictures of human woe. Happy are +those who have leisure to pursue extensively the acquisition +of Italian literature, they may read and commit to +memory without fear of an insidious meaning beneath +the polished verse, or the prose which has all the charm +of poetry.</p> + +<p>Spanish literature will require the same judicious +pruning which is necessary in French and German, but +of all languages, it is the most musical for speech, and +singing.</p> + +<p>A lady in society must, if she would not grow utterly +weary in company, know how to dance. It has been the +practice among many excellent people to represent the +ball room as a "pitfall covered with flowers;" a sheet of +breaking ice; above, all gayety and motion; below, all +darkness and danger. It may be that to some minds +the ball room may be replete with temptations; but there +are minds which find temptations everywhere. The innocent +may be innocent, nay, the pious may feel devout, +even in a ball room. There is nothing immoral or wrong +in dancing; it is the tendency of youth to dance—it is +the first effort of a child—the first natural recreation. +It seems so natural that I confess I am always doubtful +of the sincerity of those young ladies who profess to dislike +the ball room.</p> + +<p>In the present day, you must understand how to move +gracefully through quadrilles, to dance polka, Schottische, +Varsovienne, and waltz. To these you may add +great variety of dances, each season, probably, bringing +a new one.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_199" id="Pg_199">[199]</a></span> +"Dancing," says Mr. Sheldrake, "is one of the most +healthy, as well as one of the most pleasing amusements +that can be practised by the young. If it is learned +from those who are well qualified to teach it, and practised, +as it ought to be, consistently with the instructions +given, it will contribute more to improve the health, as +well as the form of the human frame, than any other +exercise. For the discovery and promulgation of the +true and correct principles according to which dancing +should be taught, the world is indebted to France, a +country which has long taken the lead in the elegant +arts. In France, dancing was first raised to the dignity +of a science, a royal academy being founded for the purpose +of teaching and perfecting it, in the reign of Louis +Quatorze. In this academy were trained many of the +most distinguished dancers of both sexes." One of the +most celebrated, Madame Simonet, gave the following +account to Mr. Sheldrake of the mode of instruction +pursued in the academy:—"All the pupils, before they +were permitted to attempt to dance, were completely instructed +in what were called the <i>preparatory exercises</i>; +that is, a system of exercises, which endued all their +limbs with strength, firmness, elasticity, and activity; +when they had acquired these properties, they began to +dance.</p> + +<p>"In these preparatory exercises, the motions were +of the most simple kind, the object being to teach the +pupil, gradually and separately, all those movements +which, when combined, and rapidly executed, constitute +dancing." Madame Simonet thus described those elementary +instructions, as gone through by herself:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_200" id="Pg_200">[200]</a></span>—"She +successively learned to stand flat and firm upon +both her feet, with her limbs quite straight, and the +whole person perfectly upright, but not stiff; then to +lift one foot from the ground, and to keep it so for some +time without moving any part of her body; she then replaced +that foot on the ground, and raised the other in +the same manner. These simple actions were repeated +till the pupils were quite familiar with them; they were +then directed to keep the body quite erect, but not stiff, +and bearing firmly upon one leg, to raise the other from +the ground, gradually and slowly, by bending the upper +joint of the limb, at the same time making the knee +straight, and putting the toe to its proper extent, but <em>no +more</em>. The foot, after it had been kept in this state for +some time, was returned to the ground from whence it +was taken, and the other foot treated in the same manner; +when quite familiarized to these actions, they were +directed to walk (march, as some people will call it) +slowly, performing the same motions with the feet alternately." +The exercises which followed these, were +upon the turning out of the feet, the balancing of the +body, and other attitudes, which need not be particularized.</p> + +<p>Mr. Sheldrake gives several examples of persons +trained upon these initiatory principles to the profession +of dancing, who have lived in health to a great age. +"This," says he, "is not the chance lot of a few; for +I have, through life, been accustomed to see many persons +of the same profession; I have communicated my +own observations to many others, and all have agreed +in remarking, that those who follow this profession have,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_201" id="Pg_201">[201]</a></span> +very generally, excellent health, which very many of +them carry into extreme old age. This indisputable fact +can only be accounted for by supposing that the preparatory +exercises which these persons go through, are a +modification of what I have called regulated muscular +tension, or action, and the early and constant practice +of which lays a firm foundation for that high health +which accompanies them through life. It is upon the +same principle that a soldier is never seen with spinal +curvature, or other personal deformity, or a stage dancer +of either sex with a deformed person; it is, perhaps, impossible +that such things should exist, for the plain reason, +that the exercises which they begin to practice early +in life, and continue regularly through its whole course, +render it impossible for them to become so.</p> + +<p>"The inference to be drawn from these incontrovertible +facts is, that if we, in very early life, teach young +children to practice similar exercises, and follow them +steadily afterwards, we shall confirm them in excellent +health, and prevent the accession of those evils which so +often cause deformity to the figure, and destruction to +the constitution, at later periods of life. I do not propose +to make every boy a soldier, or every girl a dancer +upon the stage, but to adopt the principles, by the application +of which those persons are trained to the successful +practices of their several occupations, and so to +modify them, that they may qualify other classes of society +to follow <em>their</em> different pursuits with equal success; +and I am not without hopes that this undertaking will +contribute something towards producing this desirable +effect."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_202" id="Pg_202">[202]</a></span> +Dancing is an exercise which has been practiced by +mankind from the most remote ages. With the Egyptians, +Assyrians, and Persians, the founders of the +three great empires of the ancient world, dancing was +the favorite exercise or accomplishment, and the practice +was not less prevalent among their successors in power +and importance, the Greeks and Romans. The Jews, +also, we learn from Scripture, were strongly attached to +the exercise at all periods of their history.</p> + +<p>At the present day, almost every people that exist, +whether barbarous or civilized, has its own form of dancing. +It is this universality of the exercise that makes +dancing a subject of importance. Being so extensively +practiced, it must be the instrument either of good or +evil to the human race.</p> + +<p>It is one of the most healthful and elegant amusements, +and cannot be too highly recommended. Among +a rude and dissolute people it may degenerate into something +worthy of condemnation; but all the blessings we +have are similarly liable to abuse, and it would be most +unjust to condemn a cheerful domestic amusement, merely +because it has, at times, been degraded by people of low, +vulgar, immoral tastes. By all physicians, dancing, +when pursued in moderation, is recommended as highly +conducive to bodily health; and it may be truly said, +that, allied with music, nothing is more conducive to +<em>mental</em> health, more calculated to drive away melancholy, +and put the whole temper into good humor.</p> + +<p>Dancing is the poetry of motion. It must be performed +with ease and grace, and always with a perfect +regard for propriety of movement.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_203" id="Pg_203">[203]</a></span> +As an art it is taught by professed masters; and one +of the leading rules given to the learner is to raise and +lower herself gracefully on the elastic part of her feet, +and to keep perfect time to the music. Dancing is +really a simple and elegant gliding on the toes, which +bend more or less to accommodate the steps, and prevent +harsh, ungraceful motion.</p> + +<p>The most popular dances of the present day, are, first, +the quadrille.</p> + +<p>These are of French origin, comparatively tranquil in +their character, and generally danced once or more in +every party. They are danced by four couples, one +standing on each side of a square. There are many sets +of quadrilles, the figures in each varying from the others. +But there are five figures in each set. The plain, fancy, +Lancers, Polka, Mazourka, and German, are among the +most popular.</p> + +<p>In plain quadrilles, a lady takes no steps, merely +walking gracefully through the figures, but her feet must +keep perfect time to the music, and she must know the +changes of position perfectly.</p> + +<p>A quadrille may be very properly described as a conversation +dance, as there are long pauses between the +figures, when the dancers must have a fund of small talk +ready for their partners.</p> + +<p>When moving in the figures, hold out your skirt a +little with the right hand, merely to clear the ground, +and prevent the possibility of treading upon it.</p> + +<p>Next come the round dances, the <i>Valse</i>, Polka, Schottische, +Varsovienne, and Redowa.</p> + +<p>The Waltz is danced both <i>à troistemps</i> and <i>deuxtemps</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_204" id="Pg_204">[204]</a></span> +In the waltz, the position is a most important point. +You may so lean upon your partner's arm, and so carry +your figure, that the prudish can find but little fault, but +you can also make the dance a most immodest one. I +cannot, within the limits of my book, go into a long argument +as to the propriety of these round dances. +Opinions differ, and I am not writing a sermon, but +giving, as far as is in my power, hints to ladies in society. +It is, therefore, enough for me to know that these dances +are tolerated, and that, even were I so inclined, <em>I</em> could +not exclude them.</p> + +<p>To return to the position. Stand a little to the right +of your partner, that, in clasping your waist, he may +draw you upon his arm to his shoulder, not his breast; +the last position is awkward. By observing the first, +you have your head free; turn it a little towards the left +shoulder; need I say, never lay it upon your partner's +shoulder? Throw the head and shoulders a little back, +not too much to be consistent with easy grace, place one +hand upon your partner's shoulder, and the other in his +disengaged hand. So, you are ready to start.</p> + +<p>The waltz may be danced to very fast time, or to slow +music. The last is the most graceful, and there is not so +much danger of giddiness. Grace can only be gained +by a perfect timing of the steps to the music, and also +evenness of step. It is, when properly timed with perfect +step, and easy, gliding motion, the most graceful of dances. +The Germans, who dance for the sake of <em>dancing</em>, will +only allow a certain number of waltzers on the floor at +one time, and these waltz in streams, all going down one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_205" id="Pg_205">[205]</a></span> +side of the room and up the other, thus rendering collisions +impossible.</p> + +<p>An English writer, in a recent work published on etiquette, +speaks of waltzing thus:—</p> + +<p>"It is perhaps useless to recommend flat-foot waltzing +in this country, where ladies allow themselves to be +almost hugged by their partners, and where men think it +necessary to lift a lady almost off the ground, but I am +persuaded that if it were introduced, the outcry against +the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease. Nothing +can be more delicate than the way in which a German +holds his partner. It is impossible to dance on the flat +foot unless the lady and gentleman are quite free of one +another. His hand, therefore, goes no further round her +waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress, hers, no +higher than to his elbow. Thus danced, the waltz is +smooth, graceful, and delicate, and we could never in +Germany complain of our daughter's languishing on a +young man's shoulder. On the other hand, nothing is +more graceless and absurd, than to see a man waltzing +on the tips of his toes, lifting his partner off the ground, +or twirling round and round with her like the figures on +a street organ. The test of waltzing in time, is to be +able to stamp the time with the left foot. The waltz is +of German origin, but where it is still danced in Germany +in the original manner, (as, for instance, among +the peasants of the Tyrol,) it is a very different dance. +It is there very slow and graceful; the feet are thrown +out in a single long step, which Turveydrop, I presume, +would call a <i>jeté</i>. After a few turns, the partners +waltz alone in the same step, the man keeping the time<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_206" id="Pg_206">[206]</a></span> +by striking together his iron-shod heels, until with a +shout and clapping of hands he again clasps his partner +and continues in the same slow measure with her."</p> + +<p>The position for the polka, redowa, and other round +dances, should be the same as that for the waltz, and for +the steps, they can only be acquired from a dancing +teacher, and are impossible to describe properly.</p> + +<p>One of the most delightful accomplishments which a +lady can possess, and one which is unfortunately but +little cultivated, is the art of reading aloud well; reading +with expression, taste, animation, and correctness; and +this art once acquired, let her also be able to recite well.</p> + +<p>Long lectures may be given upon elocution, but the +advice can be condensed into two directions. First, be +sure you pronounce, accent, and enunciate every word +correctly; then, throw your whole soul into the words. +Study your author carefully, that you may know precisely +what he means by each expression, and then try +to bury your personal identity, to become, for the time, +the character you represent.</p> + +<p>One of the most delightful ways to spend a social +evening, is to devote it to dramatic literature. Invite +only guests who read well, or who are really interested +listeners, and select a play, or scenes from several plays, +and cast the parts among your guests. All jealousy +must be put aside, and to-night's Hamlet must condescend +to direct Richard to</p> + +<p class="center">"Stand by, my lord, and let the coffin pass,"</p> + +<p>to-morrow.</p> + +<p>After a few meetings, the peculiar talent of each reader +will be recognized, and you can select your tragedy hero,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_207" id="Pg_207">[207]</a></span> +comedy hero, queen, chambermaid, and other members +of the force, with a view to the display of each one's best +powers. Vary the entertainment by reciting monologues +and dialogues. A whole play will often be found tiresome; +it is best to select several scenes, keeping up the +thread of the plot, and introducing the best characters, +and leave out what is mere interlude, and dispense with +some of the subordinate characters.</p> + +<p>Leave one end of the room entirely vacant for the +readers. You will find it more interesting to have the +readers stand, and use some little motion; the words +will flow more easily, the expressions come more forcibly +if the appropriate gesture is made. Love scenes will, of +course, require delicate handling, and embracing can be +easily omitted; neither would I recommend the action +of a dueling scene, or a murder, but merely to add +gesture enough to give interest to both readers and +audience.</p> + +<p>You will find some little difficulty from bashfulness, +and the "don't like to" people at first, but soon you +will discover with delight how many of your friends possess +the talent for reading well, and never knew it themselves.</p> + +<p>You will do well to take a few lessons in elocution, but +you need not fear to read if you have never made the +accomplishment a study. With a correct knowledge of +your own language, and a love for fine writing, you will +soon read well.</p> + +<p>Give to every part you undertake, the full effect intended +by the writer. Do not throw all your energy, +your whole soul, into a leading part at one time, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_208" id="Pg_208">[208]</a></span> +slight a subordinate character at another. If you have +but five words to read, read them as they would be +spoken were you the character you represent for the +time. To hear a splendidly written, tragic burst of passion +read in a weak, whining voice, is no worse than to +have a few simple words from a servant's lips delivered +with the gesture and emphasis suited to a Medea or Lady +Macbeth.</p> + +<p>I shall be condemned by many serious and well-judging +persons, if I say one word in favor of private theatricals; +yet, as it appears to me, there are in these diversions +some advantages which are not to be found to excuse the +waltz, or the polka, or the ballet, or the hunting field. +In private theatricals there is the possibility of <em>some</em> +benefit. The study of the finest dramatists, especially +of Shakespeare, is not likely to demoralize the mind, or +to cool the enthusiasm for what is good. We can scarcely +know too well those works which have tended more +to form character than any collection of any kind +whatsoever.</p> + +<p>Shakespeare, Sheridan, Bulwer,—but I cannot go +through the list of fine dramatic writers whose works +elevate the mind and taste. The plays of Sheridan, +Knowles, and Bulwer, are, in most instances, well +adapted for private representations—the most exquisite +delineations of female character may be found in the +dramatic library, and high, pure, manly thoughts, may +be traced, line after line, to the same source.</p> + +<p>Private theatricals should, however, be regulated with +much judgment. I see no reason to restrict too severely +talent of this kind where it exists, any more than<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_209" id="Pg_209">[209]</a></span> +to crush a dawning taste for the other fine arts. What +we have to do is to raise and direct it; never to let it +occupy too much time, nor to become the business of +life; never to let it infringe upon duties; never to allow +it to lead us into an unreasonable, and, therefore, criminal +expense. Our ancestors were content to strew their +stage at the end of their halls with rushes, and to hang +up the name of the scene, instead of a scene, before each +act. The best preparations, which generally render private +theatricals both laborious and expensive, add but +little to the pleasure of the beholders, whose attention +is fixed upon the actors, and who can always see far finer +scenes at a minor theatre than at any private theatricals. +Were we content with greater simplicity in our amusements, +how much vain ostentation, heart-sickening expense, +self-recrimination, and trouble, might be avoided!</p> + +<p>As a valid objection to private theatricals, it has been +urged that they are apt to encourage a taste for the +green-room of the public theatre in young men and boys; +in women the risk is less, for few women are ever known +to go on the stage except from necessity. I own this +objection to theatricals is the greatest that can be urged. +It can only be answered in mitigation that, where there +exists a taste of the kind, it is better that it should be +indulged at home, instead of at the theatre, with the +modest inmates of a well-governed house, instead of with +professional actors. Like all other amusements, the +abuse is probable, but the power of restraint rests within +ourselves.</p> + +<p>Under the same head as private theatricals may come +dramatized charades and proverbs, so much in fashion<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_210" id="Pg_210">[210]</a></span> +at the present time. These last have some great advantages +over the standard plays; they are better suited to +a parlor; they do not provoke comparison between the +young actors, and the favorite public idols; they require +but little scenery and arrangement; they are short; and +they do not require so many subordinate characters.</p> + +<p>Impromptu charades and proverbs are delightful, and +are the occasion for much merriment; the mistakes, the +absurd contrasts between character and costume, the +scenery—a deep, hanging wood, the court of Louis Quatorze +or the deck of a man of war, being improvised at +a moment's notice, only add to the merry enjoyment.</p> + +<p>One rule you must observe if you join in these amusements: +never to carry your gayety into romping. Merry +and laughing you may be, yet never forget you are a +lady. You may personate a newly-caught Irish chambermaid, +use the broadest brogue, wear the commonest +dress, throw yourself heartily and thoroughly into the +part, losing your personal identity almost entirely, and +yet you may retain that nameless charm, which will place +you in the mind of each of the audience as a lady of refinement.</p> + +<p>You must also be perfectly good-natured and self-sacrificing; +ready to play the smallest parts with the same +interest you would throw into the principal ones. Try +to throw out all the good points in the parts taken by +the other members of the company. If you play an insignificant +part, play it well, with all the grace you can, +make the most of it, but do not try to raise it to the first +place. Yield gracefully the prominent position to those +who claim it in the plot of the play, and never try by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_211" id="Pg_211">[211]</a></span> +conspicuous dress or by play, to go beyond the position +set down for you.</p> + +<p>Another delightful accomplishment, and one which +will aid you if you are studying drawing and painting, is +that of arranging <i>tableaux vivants</i>.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Severn gives the following hints upon this +subject:</p> + +<p>"Perhaps there is no intellectual amusement in fashionable +life, the nature of which is so little understood, +as the <i>tableau vivant</i>; it being generally considered as +only a vehicle for display, whereas its real purpose is to +arrange scientifically a combination of natural objects, +so as to make a good picture according to the rules of +art.</p> + +<p>"A <i>tableau vivant</i> is literally what its name imports—a +living picture composed of living persons; and, when +skilfully arranged and seen at a proper distance, it produces +all the effect of a real picture. It is said, that the +first living picture was contrived by a profligate young +German nobleman, who having, during the absence of +his father, sold one of the celebrated pictures belonging +to the old castle, which was an heir-loom, to conceal the +deficiency, placed some of his companions behind the +frame, so as to imitate the missing picture, and to +deceive his father, who passed through the room without +being conscious of his loss.</p> + +<p>"A <i>tableau vivant</i> may be formed in two ways: it +may consist of a group of persons, who take some well-known +subject in history or fiction to illustrate, and who +form a group to tell the story according to their own +taste; or, it may be a copy, as exact as circumstances<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_212" id="Pg_212">[212]</a></span> +will permit, of some celebrated picture. The first plan, +it may be easily imagined, is very rarely effective; since, +as we find that even the best masters are often months, +or even years, before they can arrange a group satisfactorily +on canvas, it is not probable that persons who are +not artists should succeed in making good impromptu +pictures. Indeed, it has been observed, that artists +themselves, when they have to arrange a <i>tableau vivant</i>, +always prefer copying a picture to composing one.</p> + +<p>"Copying a real picture, by placing living persons in +the positions of the figures indicated in the picture, appears, +at first sight, an easy task enough; and the effect +ought to be easily attained, as there can be no bad drawing, +and no confused light and shade, to destroy the +effect of the grouping. There are, however, many difficulties +to conquer, which it requires some knowledge +of art to be aware of. Painting being on a flat surface, +every means are taken to give roundness and relief to +the figures, which qualities of course are found naturally +in a <i>tableau vivant</i>. In a picture the light is made +effective by a dark shadow placed near it; diminished +lights or demi-tints are introduced to prevent the principal +light appearing a spot; and these are linked together +by artful shades, which show the outline in some places, +and hide it in others. The colors must also be carefully +arranged, so as to blend or harmonize with each other. +A want of attention to these minute points will be sufficient +to destroy the effect of the finest picture, even to +those who are so unacquainted with art as to be incapable +of explaining why they are dissatisfied, except by an involuntary +liking or disliking of what they see.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_213" id="Pg_213">[213]</a></span> +"The best place for putting up a <i>tableau vivant</i> is in a +door-way, with an equal space on each side; or, at least, +some space on both sides is necessary; and if there is a +room or a passage between the door selected for the +picture and the room the company is to see it from, so +much the better, as there should be a distance of at least +four yards between the first row of the spectators and +the picture. It must be remembered that, while the +tableau is being shown, nearly all the lights must be put +out in the room where the company is assembled; and, +perhaps, only one single candle, properly placed, in the +intervening space between the company and the tableau, +must be left slightly to illuminate the frame. In the +above-mentioned door-way a frame, somewhat smaller +than the original picture, must be suspended, three, four, +or even five feet from the floor, as may suit the height +of the door; or, if the door is not very high, the frame +may be put one or two feet behind, to gain space; but +care must be taken to fill up the opening that would, in +that case, show between the door-way and the frame; +also a piece of dark cloth ought to be put from the bottom +of the frame to the ground, to give the appearance of the +picture hanging on the wall. The most important thing +is, that the chairs or tables ought to be placed behind +the frame, so that the persons who are to represent the +tableau may sit or stand as nearly in the position, with +regard to the frame, as the figures appear to do in the +real picture they are trying to imitate, and at about two +feet from the frame, so that the light which is attached +to the back of the frame may fall properly on the figures. +In order to accomplish this, great study and contrivance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_214" id="Pg_214">[214]</a></span> +are required, so that the shades may fall in precisely the +same places as in the original picture; and sometimes +the light is put on one side, sometimes on the other, and +often on the top; and sometimes shades of tin or paper +are put between the lights and the tableaux, to assist in +throwing a shadow over any particular part. The background +is one of the most important parts, and should be +made to resemble that of the picture as nearly as possible; +if it is dark, coarse cloth absorbs the light best; but +whether it is to be black, blue, or brown, must depend on +the tint of the picture; should the background be a light +one, colored calico, turned on the wrong side, is generally +used. If trees or flowers form the background, of course +real branches or plants must be introduced to imitate +those in the picture. Even rocks have been imitated; +and spun glass has often successfully represented water. +A thin, black gauze, black muslin, or tarlatan veil, should +be fastened to the top of the frame, on the <em>outside</em> of it, +through which the tableau is to be seen.</p> + +<p>"Care ought to be taken to conceal the peculiarities +of the different materials used in the draperies, and it is +even sometimes necessary to cover the stuffs used for the +purpose with a gauze of a different color, so as to imitate +the broken and transparent colors found in most good +pictures. This, carefully attended to, will give a quietness +and simplicity to the whole, which will greatly add +to the illusion."</p> + +<p>The next subject upon the list of accomplishments, +should be filled by some words upon fancy sewing. +Under this head will come—Crochet, Knitting, Tapestry +work, Embroidery, Chenille work, Netting, Canvas<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_215" id="Pg_215">[215]</a></span> +work, Berlin wool work, Frame work, Braiding, Bead +work, etc.</p> + +<p>Small social gatherings will be much more entertaining, +the time will pass much more quickly, and the conversation +flows more freely if the fingers are employed +with some light work.</p> + +<p>Pretty presents—nay, beautiful ones—may be made +in this way, when the fingers would otherwise be idle, +and these will have an additional value in being the work +of your own hands.</p> + +<p>From the most remote ages needlework has been, not +only a source of pecuniary advantage for poor women, but +also of pleasant pastime for the rich. It is one of the most +elegant of the imitative art, and from time immemorial +it has been an amusement for otherwise idle fingers, from +the cottage to the palace.</p> + +<p>I have not space for a long disquisition upon the uses +and pleasures of fancy work; every woman has moments +when such pretty playwork will be a valuable recreation. +The taste for fancy work increases daily, and can be +made not only ornamental, but useful. A ladies' wardrobe +consists of so many, and such varied objects, that +the evenings of an entire winter may be spent in making +various useful garments, which are, at the same time, +suitable for company sewing. Opera hoods, wool shawls, +sleeves, Sontags, and other ladies' articles, may be varied +by embroidering smoking caps, slippers, or handkerchiefs +for gentlemen.</p> + +<p>Embroidering on canvas, or tapestry work, opens a +large field for taste and skill in execution. Beautiful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_216" id="Pg_216">[216]</a></span> +articles for presents, chair covers, sofa cushions, slippers, +may be worked in the otherwise idle moments spent in +familiar society, and the fingers will soon acquire skill +and astonishing rapidity.</p> + +<p>The German ladies have constantly on hand a piece +of netting or other fancy work, which they carry from +place to place, and take out when conversing; and so +far from entirely engrossing their thoughts, they chat +more readily and freely with their fingers thus employed.</p> + +<p>American ladies will find the custom worth imitating. +Many tedious hours will be smoothly, pleasantly +passed, with the mind free, but the fingers pleasantly +occupied.</p> + +<p>An evening passed in sewing or knitting, with one +good reader to entertain the industrious workers, will be +found very pleasant. I have known a circle of young +people meet every week to work in this way, the reader +being changed twice or three times in the course of the +evening, and these meetings have proved so pleasant, +that scarcely any member failed to plead "prior engagement" +if invited out upon the evening appointed to read +and sew.</p> + +<p>It was formerly objected by the adversaries to mental +cultivation in women, that the acquirement of book learning +would make them neglect needlework; but so far +from this being the case, the present, which is often +called the age of learning, is preëminently a working age. +Never were fingers more actively engaged than those of +the rising female generation; braiding, embroidery,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_217" id="Pg_217">[217]</a></span> +Berlin work, knitting, netting, and crochet, are all in +full play. A long neglected work has been recently revived, +called by the French "La Frivolité." It is very +pretty evening work, partly because it does not impede +conversation, for it may be carried on almost without +looking at it, and partly because no other work shows to +so much advantage the grace and delicacy of the hands. +The most simple form of this work was anciently known +under the name of Tatting, but that only consisted of a +series of loops in a straight line, which were used for +trimming linen articles, and which was not so pretty as +La Frivolité, which has varieties which are a good imitation +of point, and may be used for collars and sleeves.</p> + +<p>I give a few specimens of pretty work for evening +sewing, and refer the reader to "The Ladies' Handbook +of Embroidery," published by G. G. Evans, for a +full, complete description of every kind of fancy work, +with specimens, patterns, and clear, plain directions.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Netted Cuffs</span>—These cuffs are very pretty, and +easy to make. They are in plain netting, and will +require white, and five shades of scarlet wool.</p> + +<p>Set on thirty-five stitches of the white wool. Net five +rows, then take a mesh a very little larger, and widen by +netting two stitches in every stitch. Then net with the +smallest mesh the two lightest shades, one row of each, +and two rows of the other three shades. Then graduate +the shades back again to white, narrowing the first row +of white with the larger mesh. Net ten rows with the +smaller mesh, widen again, repeat the shades of red, +narrow again, and finish with the five rows of white.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_218" id="Pg_218">[218]</a></span></p> + +<h3>KNITTED OPERA CAP.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Materials Required</span>—Half an ounce of white and +half an ounce of shaded Berlin wool will be sufficient.</p> + +<p>Cast on a hundred stitches with white wool, and knit +and pearl alternately for four rows.</p> + +<p><i>Shaded wool</i>—Knit one row plain; next row bring +forward, and take two together to the end.</p> + +<p><i>White wool</i>—Knit and pearl alternately four rows.</p> + +<p><i>Shaded wool</i>—Knit plain six rows.</p> + +<p><i>White wool</i>—Knit a row, decreasing it by taking the +first two stitches together, and the last two. Pearl a +row. Knit a row, decreasing it as before. Pearl a row.</p> + +<p><i>Shaded wool</i>—Knit a row, decreasing at the beginning +and end. Next row, bring forward and take two together +to the end.</p> + +<p><i>White wool</i>—Knit a row, decreasing at both ends. +Pearl a row. Knit a row, decreasing as before. Pearl +a row.</p> + +<h3>FOR THE PATTERN IN THE CENTRE OF THE +CAP.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Shaded Wool</span>—<i>1st row</i>—Slip one. Knit two plain +stitches (<i>a.</i>) Wool forward. Knit one. Wool forward. +Knit two together. Knit one. Knit two together. +Repeat from (<i>a.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>2nd row</i>—Pearled.</p> + +<p><i>3rd row</i>—Slip one. Knit two plain stitches (<i>b.</i>) +Wool forward. Knit three plain stitches. Wool forward. +Slip one. Knit two together. Pass the slipped +stitch over the knitted ones. Repeat from (<i>b.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_219" id="Pg_219">[219]</a></span> +<i>4th row</i>—Pearled.</p> + +<p><i>5th row</i>—Slip one. Knit two plain stitches, (<i>c.</i>) +Wool forward. Knit two together. Knit one. Knit +two together. Wool forward. Knit one. Repeat +from (<i>c.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>6th row</i>—Pearled.</p> + +<p><i>7th row</i>—Slip one. Knit two plain stitches (<i>d.</i>) +Wool forward. Slip one. Knit two together. Pass +the slipped stitch over the knitted ones. Wool forward. +Knit three plain stitches. Repeat from (<i>d.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>8th row</i>—Pearled. Repeat the last eight rows.</p> + +<p><i>White wool</i>—Knit and pearl alternately for four rows; +decrease at the beginning and ending of the two plain +rows.</p> + +<p><i>Shaded wool</i>—Knit one plain row; decrease at the +beginning and ending. Next row; bring the wool forward, +knit two together to the end of the row.</p> + +<p><i>White wool</i>—Knit and pearl alternately for four rows; +decrease at the beginning and ending of the two plain +rows.</p> + +<p>Knit eighteen plain stitches, run a piece of cotton +through the remaining sixty-two stitches. Pearl and +knit alternately, decreasing at the beginning and ending +of every plain row, until you have four stitches remaining; +cast them off; then take up eighteen stitches on the +opposite sides, and work a piece to correspond; leaving +forty-four centre stitches on the cotton.</p> + +<p>Take up the centre stitches on a needle pointed at +both ends, draw the cotton out; then pick up fourteen +stitches at each end of the needle.</p> + +<p><i>Shaded wool</i>—Knit two plain rows.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_220" id="Pg_220">[220]</a></span> +<i>White wool</i>—Knit one plain row. Next row; wool +forward, knit two together to the end of the row.</p> + +<p><i>Shaded wool</i>—Knit two plain rows and cast off. Join +the two points together at the back of the cap. Fold +the front at the first pattern row, and hem it to form the +scallop at the edge. Pick up eighty stitches at the back +of the cap.</p> + +<h3>AN ECONOMICAL POINT COLLAR.</h3> + +<p>It is well known that worked muslin collars, particularly +if the work is good, very soon wear out; as the +work is too heavy for the muslin, which, when it has +been washed two or three times, becomes full of slits and +holes, though the work is still as good as ever. When +this is the case, cut the muslin off the work with a pair +of sharp scissors, and lay the work on the pattern of a +collar cut in paper, so as to fill the whole of the pattern. +The work may be taken from two or three +collars; the arrangement of it must depend upon taste. +When the cut-out work is properly arranged, it must +be tacked or basted to the paper pattern; and this +is best done with colored thread, that no mistake may +arise when the basting threads are to be drawn out. +Four or six threads are then drawn from one piece of +work to another, with a needle and cotton, so as to attach +them together, and the loose threads are then overcast +like button-holes, so as to imitate the uniting +threads of point lace. When well done, with a sufficient +quantity of the uniting threads, to make the work firm, +these collars are handsome, and will wash and wear +well.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_221" id="Pg_221">[221]</a></span></p> + +<h3>KNITTED VEILS.</h3> + +<p>It is now customary to knit white veils of what is +called Lady Betty's wool, for babies to put over their +faces when they are carried out in cold weather, instead +of pocket-handkerchiefs, which were formerly used for +the purpose, though they were very unfit for it. Knitted +veils in black silk or worsted are also worn by grown-up +persons. The veils for babies are very simple in their +construction; they consist of oblong pieces of knitting +of any width and depth that may be required, with +knitted lace at the bottom and sides, and a string case +at the top. The following pattern is the most common:</p> + +<p>Knit and pearl alternately four rows, so that there +may be two of each; then bring forward and take two +together an entire row. This pattern is repeated through +the entire veil; and it must be observed, that as many +stitches must be cast on as will make it of the necessary +width. The needles should be of the smallest size, of +bone. Any lace will do; but the following pattern, +though not new, is both pretty and suitable; and has, +besides, the important recomendation of being very easy.</p> + +<p>Cast on eleven stitches and knit a row plain, then begin +the pattern.</p> + +<p><i>1st row</i>—Knit three; bring forward and take two together; +knit one, take two together; put the thread +twice round the needle, take two together, and knit one.</p> + +<p><i>2nd row</i>—Knit two, pearl one, knit one, put the thread +twice round the needle, take two together, bring forward, +and knit five.</p> + +<p><i>3rd row</i>—Knit three, bring forward, take two together,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_222" id="Pg_222">[222]</a></span> +knit one, bring forward, knit two, pearl one, bring forward, +take two together, and knit two.</p> + +<p><i>4th row</i>—Knit two, bring forward, knit five, bring forward, +take two together, knit five.</p> + +<p><i>5th</i> row—Knit three, bring forward, and take two together, +knit the rest plain.</p> + +<p><i>6th row</i>—Cast off four, and knit the rest plain.</p> + +<h3>HINTS TO CROCHET-WORKERS.</h3> + +<p>Examine carefully the form of the needle, and <em>try</em> the +hook, to ascertain that it is perfectly smooth. Some are +so sharp and ill-made as to tear the cotton. Select those +which are not of uniform thickness up to the hook; the +best are those which are thinner there than an inch farther +up. Where the needle is not proportionally fine +near the hook, it is almost impossible to keep the work +even.</p> + +<p>Chain stitch ought to be done rather loosely, as working +on it afterwards contracts it, and is apt to give it +a puckered appearance. It is often advisable to use a +needle one size larger for making the chain than for +the rest of the work, especially in edgings. It will be +found much easier to work the succeeding rows when this +precaution is taken. Crochet needles should be kept in +a housewife similar to those used for ordinary needles. +The slightest soil or rust should be effaced with fine sandpaper.</p> + +<h3>ORNAMENTAL NET FOR THE HAIR.</h3> + +<p>Take two pieces of fine silk braid, scarlet or royal +blue, and a No. 3 bone crochet hook.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_223" id="Pg_223">[223]</a></span> +Make a chain of eight stitches, unite the ends, and +then <span class="smcapuc">D. C.</span> the first round, putting two stitches into each +loop; there will now be sixteen stitches and in the next +round one long must be worked into every stitch, and +two chain between each long; the round will now consist +of forty-eight stitches, and we commence the pattern, or +diamonds.</p> + +<p><i>3rd round</i>—Three long, two chain, four long with two +chain after each, and these long put into every second +loop; repeat.</p> + +<p><i>4th round</i>—Five long, two chain, five long with two +chain after each, and these long put into every second +loop with the exception of the fifth or last of them, +which must skip two stitches instead of one; repeat.</p> + +<p><i>5th round</i>—Seven long, two chain, seven long with +two chain after each, and each of these long put into +every second stitch; repeat.</p> + +<p><i>6th round</i>—Five long, two chain, five long with two +chain after each, and each of these long put into every +other stitch, three long, two chain, five long again with +two chain after each, and each put into every second +stitch; repeat from beginning.</p> + +<p><i>7th round</i>—Three long, two chain, five long with two +chain after each and worked in every third loop, five +long, two chain, five long again with two chain after each, +and these long worked as aforesaid in every third loop; +repeat from beginning.</p> + +<p><i>8th round</i>—One long, two chain, five long with two +chain after each and these long put into every third +stitch, seven long, two chain, again five long, &c. &c.; +repeat from beginning.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_224" id="Pg_224">[224]</a></span> +<i>9th round</i>—Six long with two chain after each and +work in every third stitch, (five long, twelve long with +two chain after each, these long put in every third +stitch); repeat the pattern in brackets.</p> + +<p><i>10th round</i>—Nine long with two chain after them, +these long being worked in every second loop, (three +long, two chain, nineteen long with two chain after them, +and the long worked in every second loop); repeat the +pattern in brackets.</p> + +<p><i>11th, 12th, and 13th rounds</i>—A long and two chain +all round, and the long being worked alternately in every +second and third loop; care being taken to bring one +into the position to complete each diamond as it is come +to.</p> + +<p>A crochet edging, begun with braid, and the last two +or three rows worked with gold twist as nearly the size +of the braid as may be, and a cord and tassels, finish off +this elegant head-dress.</p> + +<p>The cord should be run in and out through the thirteenth +round. We, however, prefer a single-crochet +band of some fifty stitches long and six or eight wide, +worked in the same material as the net, to a cord, and +this band may be finished off with a piece of gold fringe +instead of tassels at the ends, or with a scallop of edging +crocheted in gold twist.</p> + +<h3>DRESS GLOVE BANDS; FULL OR FRILLED +SHAPE.</h3> + +<p>Take three pieces of fine embroidery chenille, and a +No. 3 bone crochet hook.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_225" id="Pg_225">[225]</a></span> +Make a chain of about forty stitches, or one long +enough to go round the wrist; Dc one row.</p> + +<p><i>3rd row</i>—Two long, one chain and miss a stitch—repeat +this all along. Then one row Dc.</p> + +<p><i>6th row</i>—Long crochet worked <em>very</em> loosely, so much +so as to leave these stitches <em>at least</em> half an inch high; +two stitches to be put into every second or third loop +and one in each of the others all the way along; fasten +off.</p> + +<p>Join the chenille now on to the first row, and work a +similar row or frill to the one just directed, so that there +be one on each side.</p> + +<p>Run a narrow velvet through the holes of the third +row and affix wider velvet ends, or chenille tassels to +each extremity. Finish off with a button and loop, and +flute the frill on each side over the finger to make it set.</p> + +<p>We need scarcely say that the chenille used should be +selected to match or agree with the evening dress, and +that the velvet must match the chenille.</p> + +<p>These bands may be made to look very handsome by +working a row of Dc loosely and evenly along the edge +of each frill with gold or silver twist, and running a +band of gold or silver braid or trimming through the +holes in the third row instead of velvet. Then small +bullion tassels to match the twist will form a suitable and +elegant finish.</p> + +<p>These bands may be worked round and slid over the +hand like muffatees, or made open as we have directed +and buttoned, like the glove. The buttons should be +covered with crochet, and the loops crocheted.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_226" id="Pg_226">[226]</a></span></p> + +<h3>KNITTED UNDER HABIT SHIRT.</h3> + +<p>Three ounces of Three thread White Fleecy Wool. +Pair of No. 10 Bone Knitting Pins. Cast on forty-five +stitches.</p> + +<p>Knit three rows.</p> + +<p><i>4th row</i>—Knit ten; × make two and knit two together; +knit one; × knit the last six stitches.</p> + +<p><i>5th row</i>—Knit, dropping the second of each of the +two made stitches all along.</p> + +<p>Knit eight rows.</p> + +<p><i>14th row</i>—Knit ten; × make one and knit two together +× repeat until six remain; knit three; make +one; knit three.</p> + +<p><i>15th row</i>—Knit six; × make one and knit two together +× repeat until ten remain, which knit.</p> + +<p>Repeat these two rows three times more each, only not +enlarging one (as in the end of row fourteen), <em>every</em> time, +but only once in four rows, merely knitting the six in +the intervening rows.</p> + +<p><i>22nd row</i>—Knit. Knit the next seven rows.</p> + +<p><i>30th row</i>—Same as <i>14th</i>.</p> + +<p><i>31st</i> row—Same as <i>15th</i>.</p> + +<p>Keep on alternately knitting eight open, and then +eight knitted rows, and enlarging one stitch at the end in +every fourth row until there are a hundred and twenty-four +rows.</p> + +<p>Then decrease one stitch at the beginning or front in +every other row for thirty-two rows, still continuing the +pattern as before, and still enlarging one stitch in every<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_227" id="Pg_227">[227]</a></span> +fourth row, at the end or back. This shapes one side of +the neck.</p> + +<p>Now knit forty-eight rows without increase or decrease +at either end, continuing the pattern or alternation of +eight open and eight plain knitted rows. This forms the +back of the neck and the bottom of the back of the habit-shirt.</p> + +<p>In the next thirty-two rows we diminish one in every +fourth row, by knitting two together at the back, while +at the same time in every fourth row, at the back, we +knit two together, and make one in order to form a series +of holes, or pattern parallel to that on the other side +caused by enlarging in every fourth row. We also cast +on one, at the opposite end, in every other row, to shape +the second side of the neck. We then knit one hundred +and twelve rows, having each ten knitted stitches in the +front of the habit-shirt, as on the opposite side, and six at +the back, and decreasing one in every fourth row, at the +back, and continuing the pattern, and also the series of +holes at the back.</p> + +<p>Knit eight rows.</p> + +<p>Knit ten stitches, × make two and knit two together; +× knit six at end.</p> + +<p>Knit all, dropping the second of each of the two made +stitches. Knit two rows; cast off.</p> + +<p>Now, with same needles, pick up the stitches all along +the right front of the habit-shirt; knit two rows and cast +off. Do the same on the left front. Then pick up those +of the neck, and do the same, shaping it, if necessary, +by knitting two together occasionally. These finishing-off +rows look pretty done in pale pink or blue wool.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_228" id="Pg_228">[228]</a></span> +Button-holes may be made thus:—in the front or where +the ten stitches are, and about once in thirty rows, knit +three; cast off four; knit three instead of knitting the +ten as usual. Next row, when we get back to the ten +stitches, knit three; cast on four; knit three.</p> + +<h3>INFANT'S KNITTED SOCKS.</h3> + +<p>Half an ounce of White Lamb's Wool. Three No. +13 Knitting Needles. Cast on Thirty stitches.</p> + +<p><i>1st row</i>—Knit.</p> + +<p><i>2nd row</i>—Knit two; make or enlarge one stitch by +picking up one from the previous row and knitting it; +knit all the rest.</p> + +<p><i>3rd row</i>—Knit. Repeat second and third rows alternately +four times more each of them.</p> + +<p><i>12th row</i>—Knit two; make a stitch according to directions +above given; knit rest until four remain; knit +two together; knit two.</p> + +<p><i>13th row</i>—Knit. Repeat these two rows alternately +three times more each.</p> + +<p><i>20th row</i>—Knit two; enlarge one as before directed; +knit rest until two remain; enlarge one; knit two.</p> + +<p><i>21st row</i>—Knit. Repeat these two rows alternately +three more times each.</p> + +<p><i>28th row</i>—Knit.</p> + +<p><i>29th row</i>—Knit fourteen stitches, and leave the other +upon the needle. Take up the third needle and knit +twenty rows more, of fourteen stitches each.</p> + +<p><i>49th row</i>—Knit two together; knit twelve; on same +needle, and with same wool, cast on twenty-seven +stitches.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_229" id="Pg_229">[229]</a></span> +<i>50th row</i>—Knit.</p> + +<p><i>51st row</i>—Knit two; knit two together; knit rest +until four remain; knit two together; knit two.</p> + +<p><i>52nd row</i>—Knit. Repeat these two rows alternately +twice more each.</p> + +<p><i>57th row</i>—Knit two; make one in manner directed; +knit rest until four remain; knit two together; knit two.</p> + +<p><i>58th row</i>—Knit. Repeat these two rows alternately +three times more each.</p> + +<p><i>65th row</i>—Knit all until four remain; knit two together; +knit two.</p> + +<p><i>66th row</i>—Knit. Repeat these two rows alternately +four more times each.</p> + +<p><i>75th row</i>—Knit.</p> + +<p><i>76th row</i>—Cast off.</p> + +<p>This completes the slipper portion of the sock. We +now begin the instep-piece. Take the wool and knit off +ten stitches from the needle on which the twenty-seven +stitches were left; knit these ten from the toe-end, or +that where the twenty rows of fourteen stitches each has +been made; leave the remaining seventeen stitches still +on the same needle. Knit twenty rows of ten stitches, +and in every other one pick up the edge-stitch of the +toe-piece and knit it with the tenth stitch, so as to unite +these two portions, viz: the toe and the instep. With +each stitch of the twentieth row, an edge-stitch of the +side at the toe-end of the slipper must be picked up, +knitted and cast off, and a neat and entire union of the +toe of the slipper and the instep piece formed.</p> + +<p>This instep piece is to be ribbed in rows of four, viz:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_230" id="Pg_230">[230]</a></span> +four rows in which the plain side is uppermost, and four +rows in which the pearled side is uppermost.</p> + +<p>We now commence the leg portion of the sock.</p> + +<p>With the needle which has been left in the first side +of the slipper carefully pick up the edge-stitches all +along the instep-piece and side of the slipper; when this +is done, there should be about fifty on the needle. Take +the wool and knit all along, including the picked up +stitches, and the seventeen originally on the needle. +Knit two rows.</p> + +<p><i>4th row</i>—Knit two; × make two (not by picking up, +but in the ordinary way, by passing the wool twice over +the needle), and knit two together; knit one; × repeat.</p> + +<p><i>5th row</i>—Knit all; casting off one of each of the +double made stitches. Now knit twenty rows ribbed like +the instep-piece.</p> + +<p><i>26th row</i>—× Knit one; make one and knit two together; +× repeat all round.</p> + +<p><i>27th row</i>—Knit.</p> + +<p><i>28th row</i>—Knit two; × make one and knit two together; +knit one; × repeat.</p> + +<p><i>29th, 30th, and 31st rows</i>—Knit.</p> + +<p><i>32nd row</i>—Cast off.</p> + +<p>Take a wool needle, thread it with wool, and sew up +the sock neatly, stitch for stitch, from the top of the leg +to the point of the sole; then sew the toe; turn it; put +on a little rosette of raveled wool; run a ribbon in and +out through the holes at rows 4 and 5, of the leg portion, +and it is completed.</p> + +<p>As this is intended for an Infant's Sock, we have ordered +white wool, that being most useful; should it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_231" id="Pg_231">[231]</a></span> +however, be wished to knit socks for an older baby, the +slipper may be made of Cerise, Scarlet, Pale Blue, +Green, or Straw-colored wool; and the 26th, 27th, and +28th rows, of the leg portion, and the casting-off done in +the color of the slipper; while the instep-piece and the +rest of the sock are made in white wool.</p> + +<p>The sock may also be enlarged by casting on extra +stitches in the beginning, and adding a couple of rows to +each of the divisions of the slipper part, and enough to +the toe to preserve its form and symmetry.</p> + +<p>Almost any of the open anti-maccassar patterns may +be used for knitting the sock and instep-piece, if a light +lace-like appearance is desired. The well-known rose-leaf +pattern looks particularly pretty.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_232" id="Pg_232">[232]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XXII" id="CHPTR_XXII"></a>CHAPTER XXII.<br /> +<span class="subttl">SERVANTS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>An English writer, speaking of servants, says:—</p> + +<p>"There is no question but that we should seek to perform +<em>all</em> our duties without hope of recompense; and +yet, as regards our treatment of servants, we should be +especially careful that, in endeavoring to make their +bodily comfort and mental improvement an object of consideration, +we do not allow ourselves to dwell on the +hope of gratitude or affection from them in return. +Many have done so, and having, with that view, been +tempted to accord unwise indulgences and to overlook +serious faults, they have found that, far from gaining the +love of their servants, they have incurred their contempt; +and when they have perceived that their favors, unappreciated, +have led but to new encroachments, they have +hardened their hearts and rushed into an opposite extreme. +Then they have considered their servants as +mere machines, from which labor must be extorted by all +available means.</p> + +<p>"A man servant is rarely grateful, and seldom attached. +He is generally incapable of appreciating those +advantages which, with your cultivated judgment, you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_233" id="Pg_233">[233]</a></span> +know to be the most conducive to his welfare. Do you +accord to him regular hours, a stated allowance of work; +do you refrain from sending him out because it is wet +and he is unwell; do you serve yourself rather than ring +for him at dinner time; he will rarely have the grace to +thank you in his heart for your constant consideration. +Hear him! He will thus describe a comfortable place:—'There +were very few in the family; when they went +out of a night, we made it up of a morning; we had nice +hot suppers, and the cook made a good hash for breakfast, +and we always got luncheon between that and dinner; +and we were all very comfortable together, and had +a friend in when we liked. Master swore at us sometimes, +but often made us a present for it when he had +been very violent; a good-hearted man as ever lived, and +mistress was quite the lady, and never meddled with +servants. It was a capital place!'</p> + +<p>"Servants' sympathies are with their equals. They +feel for a poor servant run off his legs, and moped to +death; they have no feeling for a pains-taking mistress, +economical both from principle and scanty means; they +would (most of them) see her property wasted, and her +confidence abused without compunction. It is the last +effort of a virtue in a servant if, without any <em>private +reason</em>, he should discharge his duty by informing you +of the injury which you are enduring at the hands of his +fellow servant. It is an effort of virtue, for it will bring +down many a bitter taunt and hard word upon his faithful +head. '<em>I</em> never got a servant out of a place by telling +tales on him,' will be said to him. Directly a servant +departs, we all know, tongues, tied before, are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_234" id="Pg_234">[234]</a></span> +loosed, to gain our favor by apparent candor. When it +can avail us nothing, we are told. We all know this, and +have said, 'Be silent now, you should have mentioned +this at the time.' Supposing, then, you have the <i>rara +avis</i>, the servant that 'speaks at the time,' be chary of +him, or let me say <em>her</em>, (the best servants are women.) +Oh! as you value her, let her not suppose you cannot +part with her. Treat her with confidence, but with strict +impartiality; reprove when necessary, mildly, but decidedly; +lest she should presume (power is so tempting), +and compel you, if you would retain your freedom, to let +her go.</p> + +<p>"There is one thing a man servant values beyond all +that your kindness and your consideration can do for +him—his liberty; liberty to eat, drink, and be merry, +with your things in the company of his own friends; +liberty to get the housemaid to clean his candlesticks, +and bring up his coals; and the housemaid wishes for +liberty to lie in bed in the morning, because she was up +so late talking to John in the pantry; liberty to wear +flounces and flowers. The cook desires liberty too. For +this liberty, if you grant it, they will despise you; if +you deny it, they will respect you. Aim at their esteem; +despair of their love or gratitude; make your place what +the best class of servants will value, and, though in their +heart, they may not thank you for it, you will gain, perhaps, +one servant out of twenty who will keep gross imposition +and gross immorality at bay.</p> + +<p>"These remarks can never be intended to deny the +warm attachment of female servants to the children of +their employers. Deep love, no doubt, is lavished by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_235" id="Pg_235">[235]</a></span> +many a woman on the babe she has nursed. There is a +great deal to be said on the chapter of nurses which +would require to be dealt with by itself. Much wisdom +is required in the administration of a nursery, to which +few general rules would apply. Cruel is the tyranny the +nurse frequently practises on the parent, who often refrains +from entering her nursery, not from want of love +to her children, but positive dread of the sour looks which +greet her. Let her be firm, let no shrinking from +grieving her darling, who would 'break his heart if his +Nanna went,' deter her from discharging the encroaching +servant.</p> + +<p>"I know a lady who was quietly informed by her +nurse that she must have a 'specified hour' for visiting +her children, for that her entering without ceremony was +most inconvenient. The poor young lady, who was fully +persuaded her delicate infant would die, if removed to a +stranger's hands, meekly obeyed, and though tortured by +the cries of the poor sickly baby, never dared to intrude +lest the nurse should abandon it. This is a true history, +and the sequel may as well be given: that the nurse remained +seven years, at the end of which time, having +become insupportable, though really devoted to the +children, she gave warning, and, though it cost her +mistress bitter tears and much resolution, she was suffered +to depart, and then peace entered that house.</p> + +<p>"On the choice of servants much of the comfort of the +young housekeeper depends. It often happens that her +choice has been determined by appearance rather than +the value of character. If such be the case, she will +have many difficulties to encounter. It is, in the present<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_236" id="Pg_236">[236]</a></span> +day, hardly safe to take a servant if there be a single +objection to character, however it may be glossed over +by the person referred to on this point; for there is now +an unhealthy disposition to pass over the failings of +servants who have left their places, and to make them +perfect in the eyes of others. In respect to sobriety, +many people will not acknowledge that a servant had had +the vice of drinking, but will cover the unpleasant truth +in such gentle and plausible terms that it becomes difficult +to comprehend how far the hint is grounded, or not. +Be assured when a lady or gentleman hesitates on this +point, or on that of honesty, it is wiser not to engage a +servant. Nor are you deviating from Christian charity +in not overlooking a dereliction of so material a sort. +The kindest plan to the vast community of domestic +servants is to be rigid in all important points, and having, +after a due experience, a just confidence in them, to be +somewhat indulgent to errors of a more trivial nature.</p> + +<p>"If all young housekeepers were strict upon the subject +of dress, much misery to servants would be saved, much +temptation avoided, and self-reproach prevented. Instead +of this kind, and wise, and matronly particularity, a type +of the good, old-fashioned common sense of our grandmothers, +ladies now countenance their ladies'-maids in +discontinuing caps, or, if they have caps, in wearing +flowers and lace, flowered gowns, and other items of +little apparent moment in detail, but of much importance +to a community as serviceable to the public when well +managed and respectable, as they are odious and noxious +when immoral or insolent. After these cruel indulgences, +ladies marvel when they find servants rise above their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_237" id="Pg_237">[237]</a></span> +station and that they will not bear even a mild reproof; +they wonder that a plain, useful servant is nowhere to be +met with. There is now no medium between the fine +lady with mittens and flowers who dresses your hair, and +the dirty sloven of a lodging-house. All housemaids +must now be upper housemaids; cooks must be cooks +and housekeepers. The homely housemaid—that invaluable +character in her way—is indeed difficult to be +found; and, at a time when cleanliness is at its zenith, +the rarity is to discover any one who will clean. All, +except the raw country girl, expect to have deputies; +and, if we go on to perfection in this unhealthy system, +we shall soon have no working servants above twenty +years of age. The consequence is, that a greater number +of servants are kept in every household than formerly +in similar families; many of these menials are +corrupted by congregating together and by idleness. +The loud and crying complaints of the worthlessness of +this class are but too justly founded. That they are +more mercenary than ever, is owing to the pernicious +system which lifts them up above their condition, but +fails to elevate them in the moral standard. In the +scale of virtue they sink every day lower and lower; in +the outward attributes they are, as they consider it, raised +in character and improved in appearance.</p> + +<p>"But is it so? The beauty of every thing is fitness. +Is the half-fine, unlady-like, yet lady-like creature, who +answers to your dressing-room bell, half so respectable +as the old-fashioned, plainly dressed, careful, homely +maiden of your young days? Is it not with a feeling +of disgust that you turn from the attempted finery, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_238" id="Pg_238">[238]</a></span> +sigh for plain collars, and caps undecked by flowers, +again? I think, among the best-bred, the most sensible, +and, indeed, the most highly born people of a superior +stamp, this disgust is so strong that, in some families, a +grave and suitable costume is introduced for the female +servants, and the effect is satisfactory, both on the appearance +and on the mode of thinking of these persons. +But this wise, and therefore kind plan, is far from being +general; and I have heard that a lady's-maid complained +to her mistress that she found herself the subject of +ridicule, owing to her not wearing silks, and indeed +satins, as the other ladies'-maids did.</p> + +<p>"It becomes the duty of ladies of influence to rise +above the silly vanity which, I fear, affects some of them, +of seeing their ladies'-maids as smart as ladies, and to +oppose innovations on the decencies of society, so pernicious +to the class upon whom much of our comfort depends. +In setting out in life, a young married lady +ought to be more than ordinarily strict in these matters, +for her inexperience will certainly be taken advantage +of to some extent. If she be rich enough to have a +housekeeper, let her endeavor to select one of strict religious +faith, plain in attire, grave, but kind, and of good +sense, and even intelligence; for cultivation of mind will +never, whatever may be stated, detract from the utility +of a servant. It is absurd to attribute to the diffusion +of knowledge the deterioration of servants; it is rather +owing to the scanty amount of knowledge among them. +Most superficial is the education about which so much +is said and written; were servants more thoroughly +grounded in many branches of knowledge, they would be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_239" id="Pg_239">[239]</a></span> +wiser, less rapacious, more systematic, and better contented +than they are. They are wretched reasoners, +generally losing sight of their own true interest, and +grasping at that which is unreal and visionary. If they +were better educated, this would not be the case; they +would be less vain, less credulous; they would know +what qualities to respect; they would weigh better the +advantage of their lot; and they would work better as +servants. They would give mind, where now they only +give hands; and their acquirements, taken from school as +they are in very early youth, are not ever likely to be +such as to make the routine of their work distasteful to +them, from over refinement or cultivation.</p> + +<p>"It is always desirable to have, if possible, servants of +one faith. But if it so happens that you have a Roman +Catholic servant and a Protestant in your service, you +are bound to allow each the free exercise of her religion, +and you ought not to respect them if, out of interest, +they will conform to yours. An exercise of authority +on this point amounts, in my opinion, to an act of tyranny, +and it can only tend to promote insincerity, and, +perhaps, engender scepticism in its object. Nothing is, +indeed, so dangerous as to unsettle the faith of the lower +classes, who have neither time nor opportunity of fairly +considering subjects of religious controversy.</p> + +<p>"While on the subject of servants, I must deprecate the +over-indulgence of the present system towards them. +Formerly they were treated with real kindness, but it +was the kindness that exacted duty in return, and took a +real interest in the welfare of each servant. The reciprocal +tie in former times between servant and master was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_240" id="Pg_240">[240]</a></span> +strong, now it is wholly gone. The easy rule of masters +and mistresses proceeds far more from indifference than +from kindness of heart; for the real charity is to keep +servants steadily to their duties. They are a class of +persons to whom much leisure is destruction; the pursuits +of their idle hours are seldom advantageous to +them, and theirs are not minds which can thrive in repose. +Idleness, to them, is peculiarly the root of all +evil, for, if their time is not spent in vicious amusements, +it is often passed in slander, discontent, or vanity. In +writing thus, I do not recommend a hard or inconsiderate +system to servants. They require, and in many instances +they merit, all that can be done to alleviate a situation +of servitude. They ought not to be the slaves of +caprice or the victims of temper. Their work should be +measured out with a just hand; but it should be regularly +exacted in as much perfection as can be expected in variable +and erring human nature.</p> + +<p>"Another point on which I would recommend firmness +is that of early hours. In this respect example is as important +as precept; but, however uncertain you may be +yourself, I would not relax a rule of that kind. For +every comfort during the day depends upon the early +rising of your servants. Without this, all their several +departments are hurried through or neglected in some +important respect.</p> + +<p>"Your mode of address to servants must be decisive, +yet mild. The authoritative tone I do not recommend. +It is very unbecoming to any young person, and it rarely +attains the end desired; but there is a quiet dignity of +deportment which few servants ever can resist. This<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_241" id="Pg_241">[241]</a></span> +should be tempered with kindness, when circumstances +call it forth, but should never descend to familiarity. +For no caution is more truly kind than which confines +servants strictly to their own sphere.</p> + +<p>"Much evil results from the tendency, more especially +of very young, or of very old mistresses of families, to +partiality. Commonly, one servant becomes the almost +avowed favorite; and it is difficult to say whether that +display of partiality is the more pernicious to the servant +who is the object of it, or to the rankling and jealous +minds of the rest of the household. It is true that it is +quite impossible to avoid entertaining a greater degree +of confidence in some servants than in others; but it +should be shown with a due regard to the feelings of all. +It is, of course, allowable towards those who take a decidedly +responsible and confidential situation in a household. +Still, never let such persons assume the reins of +government; let them act the part of helmsman to the +vessel, but not aspire to the control of the captain.</p> + +<p>"It is generally wise and right, after a due experience +of the principles and intentions of servants, to place +confidence in their honesty, and to let them have the +comfort of knowing that you do so. At the same time, +never cease to exercise a system of supervision. The +great principle of housekeeping is regularity; and without +this (one of the most difficult of the minor virtues to +practice) all efforts to promote order must be ineffectual. +I have seen energetic women, clever and well-intentioned, +fail in attaining a good method, owing to their being uncertain +in hours, governed by impulse, and capricious. +I have seen women, inferior in capacity, slow, and apathetic, +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_242" id="Pg_242">[242]</a></span>make excellent heads of families, as far as their +household was concerned, from their steadiness and +regularity. Their very power of enduring monotony +has been favorable to their success in this way, especially +if they are not called upon to act in peculiar and difficult +cases, in which their actual inferiority is traceable. +But these are not the ordinary circumstances of life.</p> + +<p>"In closing these remarks on the management of servants, +let me exhort you never to forget that they are +fellow-laborers, in the life of probation, with ourselves; +let us not embitter their lives by harshness, or proffer to +them temptation from carelessness and over-indulgence. +Since all that is given us of this world's goods is but in +trust, let us regard our servants as beings for whose conduct, +while under our control, we are more or less responsible. +It is true that, if they come to us with +morals wholly depraved, it is not likely that the most +strenuous exertions can amend them; but many waver +between good and evil. Let us endeavor to excite in +their minds a respect for virtue, to give them motives for +industry, inducements to save their wages. Those who +have large households should not deem the morals of the +meanest of their servants beneath their investigation, or +too obscure for their influence to reach."</p> + +<p>Some attention is absolutely necessary, in this country, +to the training of servants, as they come here from the +lowest ranks of English and Irish peasantry, with as +much idea of politeness as the pig domesticated in the +cabin of the latter.</p> + +<p>Opening the door seems a simple act, yet few servants +perform it in a proper, respectful manner. Let your<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_243" id="Pg_243">[243]</a></span> +servant understand that the door must be opened immediately +after the bell rings. Visitors, from neglect of +this rule, will often ring several times, and finally leave +the door. I have known an instance when in a case of +severe illness the patient lost the visit of the doctor, +who, after ringing some minutes, was obliged to pay +other visits, and could not return to the sufferer's house +until several hours later.</p> + +<p>When opening the door some servants hold it ajar and +hold a long parley with the person on the steps, as if +afraid they wished to enter for the purpose of murder or +theft.</p> + +<p>Train them to answer the door promptly, speak politely +to any one who may be there, excuse you, if necessary, +to visitors in courteous terms, or, if you are in, +show the callers into the parlor, take their card, and come +back quickly with your answer.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_244" id="Pg_244">[244]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XXIII" id="CHPTR_XXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXIII.<br /> +<span class="subttl">ON A YOUNG LADY'S CONDUCT WHEN CONTEMPLATING +MARRIAGE.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>The following chapter, met with in a recent perusal +of an English work for young ladies, strikes me as so +admirable, and so appropriate in this place, that I quote +the chapter entire:</p> + +<p>"The difficulties and trials of life have only just begun +when a young lady fancies herself to be of sufficient importance +to become the theme of animadversion. She +knows little of the true importance of self-control, until +she experiences the first indications of preference shown +her by the other sex.</p> + +<p>"Such indications are often manifested, whilst she to +whom they are directed, is wholly unprepared to analyze +her own feelings, before her opinions upon what she has +seen are by any means developed; before she has even +considered adequately, on what her happiness depends; +before she has discernment to reject what is frivolous, or +wisdom to prefer what is good. This is more especially +the case in the highest and lowest classes, in which, +by a strange analogy, they either rush into the marriage +state whilst children, or wait until the bloom and hopes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_245" id="Pg_245">[245]</a></span> +of youth have forever passed away, in order to form interested +matches. The matured period of five-and-twenty +to thirty, is passed by the lower classes in the +single state in labor to gain subsistence; after thirty, or +even forty, we often find them marrying. But the +majority have sealed their own fate before the age of +twenty.</p> + +<p>"In high life, the same haste to dispose of daughters +prevails as among the lowest classes. At seventeen, +most of our belles of fashion expect to receive proposals. +If they do not marry within a few years after their +introduction, they have a mortified sense of having lost +time—that the expectations of friends and of parents +have not been fulfilled; that others have 'gone off' +before them. The next ten years are often a period of +subdued vexation, and the sweetness and contentment of +the original character is impaired. About seven or eight +and twenty, the views of life are sobered—the expectations +chastened—a renovation takes place—women again +become agreeable; their minds must in the lapse of time, +even with a miserable store of observation, have improved. +They then often marry—and, if the union be not a mere +effort of despair, if it be based on sound and holy principles, +and on good sense, there is, for both parties engaged, +a great likelihood of happiness.</p> + +<p>"But, it may be naturally contended, that there come +not to <em>all</em> young ladies the opportunities of which I write; +that indications of preference arrive not to all. I am +inclined to believe that, with good temper, pleasing manners, +and respectable connections, there exists, in modern +society, very few young ladies who have not received<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_246" id="Pg_246">[246]</a></span> +under various circumstances, some marks of preference, +more or less decided. Beauty and plainness are arbitrary, +not positive, terms. Unless there be any actual +deformity, any great infirmity, in which case I think it +were cruel to pre-suppose the likelihood of such indications, +there is no one, that I hardly ever met with, who +has not had, on some grounds, her partizans and admirers. +The plain are often particularized as elegant; +tastes vary: even a sour look I have heard admired as +sensible, cold manners eulogized as correct. Opinion, +however it may generally verge to the correct, springs +from so many sources, it is so governed by association +of ideas, such trifles may guide it, that I am never surprised +at the latitude given to personal encomium nor at +the endless variety and incongruity of human judgment. +It is well that all have a chance of being approved, admired, +beloved, and it remains for them to avail themselves +of those possibilities which contribute so much to +happiness. For we are sympathizing beings, and a law of +our nature makes us look for a return of sympathy. We +are sent here to form ties, and to love, and to be loved, +whether the term applies to parental, or filial, or fraternal +love—or whether it respects the less sure and more +fitful experiences of love, in its ordinary sense.</p> + +<p>"I do not blame the parents who instil into their +children of both sexes a desire to be married. I think +those who teach the young a different lesson deceive +them. Marriage, with all its chances, its infelicities, its +sacrifices, is seldom so infelicitous, so uncertain, so full +of sacrifice, as the single state. Life must have some +objects, and those objects must be progressive. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_247" id="Pg_247">[247]</a></span> +mind is happier and healthier with such interests, even +if sorrow comes along with them, than in its solitude, its +desolate freedom from care, when having, as the phrase +is, no troubles of the conjugal sort to disturb its tranquillity. +I therefore do not censure those who desire to +see their daughters happily and suitably established in +life. It is the indiscreet and vulgar haste, the indelicacy, +the low mercenary views, and the equally low ambition +to compass a splendid match, which is blameable and revolting +in the parental conduct.</p> + +<p>"Many are, however, blessed with guides and guardians +of very different characters; with parents, whose +lofty natures not only reject such unworthy notions, but +somewhat incline to the extreme of repelling all advances +for their daughters. In either case, the conduct of a +young lady may be the same. It is she who must form +her own destiny in points on which none can effectually +aid her. It is she who is to be the happy wife, or the +wretched victim; and it is to her that these observations +of admonition and of warning are addressed. Let us +suppose her young, of course, attractive in appearance, of +good birth, and some fortune. I here except heiresses, who, +being anomalies, deserve a particular paragraph for themselves. +But let us suppose that no obstacle of family or +connection interferes to check the approach of a suitor.</p> + +<p>"The eyes of her family and of her young friends are +upon her, when a young lady receives the first indications +of preference. She is generally ashamed of it. This is +the first sentiment of a modest and ingenuous mind, and +it is one indication, in my opinion, of the impropriety of +early marriages. Nature seems still to wish to keep the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_248" id="Pg_248">[248]</a></span> +young and blushing girl apart from that connection which +entails grave and arduous duties. But Nature's voice is +far less often heard than that of her adversary, expediency. +I must, therefore, shape my injunctions to that +which exists, not to that which we would wish to exist.</p> + +<p>"Almost sinking under this painful sense of shame, +this novel disturbance of her usual set of feelings, a +young girl catches at the first reed to save herself from +observation and detection. I mean detection of her perception +of that which others may or may not see. She +seizes upon ridicule. She pretends to laugh at one, +whom sometimes her youthful romantic fancy dwells upon +in a very different sense. She laughs at the foibles, supposed +or real, of her admirer: she plays a dangerous +game. If any of those to whom she imparts her witticisms +are malevolently disposed or thoughtless, she runs +a risk either of wounding the feelings of a man whom +she does not like, or of losing the regard of one whom +she might in time not only esteem, but love.</p> + +<p>"Another effect of such attentions as awaken a consciousness +in a young lady's mind, is the gratification of +vanity, perhaps until then latent in her heart. The first +preference is apt to upset the reason of its object as of +him who shows it. The word vanity does not seem to +imply danger. Vanity is generally considered an innocent +failing; but it is innocent only as some kinds of +food are to a healthy subject. On a weak, or even on +an inexperienced mind, it acts, sometimes, fatally for the +vain. A girl is either carried away by admiration so as +to be flippant and foolish, or she is blinded by her vanity +to the failings of the man who first admires her. She is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_249" id="Pg_249">[249]</a></span> +intoxicated with the notion of an offer of marriage; she +imagines, in her simplicity, effervesced as it is by the infusion +of flattered vanity, that she has inspired such an +attachment as will never be recovered, should she prove +adverse to it. Many an engagement has been formed +under this conviction, and fulfilled only to prove its fallacy, +for the love which was supposed too strong to survive +disappointment, has expired in the fruition of its +hopes.</p> + +<p>"To guard against either of these risks to happiness, +a well-educated girl should endeavor, in this, to exercise +her judgment. She should be sincere. She is blameable +to ridicule the attentions which are meant as complimentary +to her. They ought to be at least regarded +with respect.</p> + +<p>"Should they not be acceptable, she is inexcusable to +requite them with levity and disdain. Let her reflect +how she would like such conduct herself. Besides, she +is often making a bitter enemy; perhaps she is exciting +fierce and unamiable sentiments in one who otherwise +might have been regarded as a mild and worthy individual. +Let her be undeceived if she supposes that in +thus doing she is carrying herself with dignity, or acquiring +any added admiration from others. She ceases, +in thus acting, to support the characteristics of a gentlewoman, +which are mildness, courtesy, and reserve. If +she cherishes, in spite of her pretended disgust, a secret +partiality for the individual who distinguishes her, if she +is lowering the esteem of a man whom she prefers, she +not only incurs the hazard of losing his regard, but she +is scattering ridicule on one whom she afterwards avows<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_250" id="Pg_250">[250]</a></span> +as her choice. In that case, she is lowering herself, or +she is sowing the seeds of distrust in the minds of those +who know her—she is, perhaps, frustrating and delaying +her own happiness. Let her act with candor, with consideration, +with good sense, and all this web which her +folly would weave around her will not embarrass her. +Let her not madly and obstinately resist the advice of +those on whose affection to her, and on whose good judgment, +experience has taught her to rely. Let her be a +child in nothing except humility; let her listen to counsels; +yet her own heart must decide for her—none can +know so well as herself its secret throbs, or the impression +of dislike or of regard which has been made upon it.</p> + +<p>"I am, I confess, an enemy to trying to like a person, +as I have rarely seen such a mental process end in happiness +to either party. If an advantageous proposal +offer itself, it is wiser decidedly to refuse it, than to trust +to the slow growth of affection, upon a foundation of +original dislike. And the trials of married life are such,—its +temptations to irritability and contention are so +manifold, its anxieties so unforseen and so complicated, +that few can steer their difficult course safely and happily, +unless there be a deep and true attachment, to +contend with all the storms which may arise in the navigation.</p> + +<p>"Deeply impressed with this conviction, should it be +the lot of any young lady in whom I were interested to +form a real, well-grounded attachment to a man whose +circumstances were indifferent, I should counsel her, provided +she can depend on the character and exertions of +the object so beloved, to risk the event of an engagement<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_251" id="Pg_251">[251]</a></span>—to +trust to time and Providence, and to marry +whenever means were afforded,—convinced as I am, that +patience, and trust, and true affection, raise the character, +and are acceptable in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. +But in such a case, she must school her mind to +meet the anxieties which attend limited means. She +must prepare herself, by habits of diligence and economy, +to become a poor man's wife. She must learn the difficult +art of doing well upon a little. She must not, be +she in any rank of life, think to indulge with impunity +to herself in every refinement and luxury when she is +single; and, upon her marriage, imagine that she can +attain the practice of economy by wishing it. Such +metamorphoses are out of reason—out of nature. She +must endeavor before the bond which ties her to poverty +is framed, to understand the duties of housekeeping, the +mysteries of needle-work. She must lay down to herself +rules of expenditure suitable, in part, to her future +condition in life. Many a wife, thus commencing, has +laid the foundations of future fortune, at least independence, +to her husband, by keeping his mind at peace, +during his progress up the steep ascent to professional, +or clerical, or literary fame. Many a home has been +cheered by domestic forbearance, and placid submission +to circumstances, even in the higher classes, during the +life-time of a father, or in the course of those long expectancies, +in which the fortitude and principle of many +of the aristocracy are tried and proved. But the self-denial, +the cheerfulness, the good management, the strict +principle, are formed at an earlier period than that in +which a young lady gives her hand to him whom she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_252" id="Pg_252">[252]</a></span> +has chosen, in spite of the frown of fortune, as her husband.</p> + +<p>"Of this let the young be assured; there are few situations +in life, in which a man, young, and in health, +cannot meliorate his circumstances, if he possess energy +and if he be stimulated by a true affection. The clergyman, +with humble stipend, often hopeless from want +of interest, has leisure—he has had education. He +may, if he desires to assist himself, have recourse to +literary labor, or to tuition. If he make not such exertion, +during the course of an engagement, what hope +can there be of him in future life?</p> + +<p>"The young lawyer, however tedious his advancement, +however few his opportunities, may also distinguish himself +in a literary career. Innumerable are the subjects +open to one of such a profession. How few avail themselves +of the chance! Upon this rely, the man truly in +love will make the effort. To the military man, though +perhaps he may be less qualified, the same course is open, +in a degree. Some of our best travels, some of our +most amusing literary productions, have been the compositions +of military men. And the advantage of this +mode of aiding a small fortune is, that a man not only +does not lower, but he raises his position by it, if his +works are moral, written in a gentlemanly spirit, and affording +information. However deep the attachment, +however agreeable the object, if a man be indisposed to +help himself to independence and competence, I should +counsel no woman to continue an engagement formed in +the expectation of 'times mending.' When I advocate<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_253" id="Pg_253">[253]</a></span> +the indulgence of attachment, it is to worthy, not to unworthy, +objects.</p> + +<p>"I now come to speak of moral character. Hard is +the contest between affection and expediency, when it is +raised by the question of circumstances. But harder +still is it, when its result is to be decided upon an inquiry +into moral conduct. I know not a more cruel situation +than that when the heart is bestowed on one whom the +judgment could not approve. I know not one which +should be more strictly guarded against, not only by parents +and friends, but (for I would impress on every +young lady how much she may prove the best guardian +of her own happiness) by the female heart itself.</p> + +<p>"With every vigilance, with little to blame, little to +repent, such cases will occur in this world. The feelings +are interested, but the judgment distrusts. Happy is it +for those who know the combat between affection and +principle only in single life, and have not the misery of +encountering so severe a destiny when it can no longer +be remedied—who know not how to fulfill the vow to +honor what is proved to be unworthy—and yet still must +love,—for the affections once given, are little in our own +power.</p> + +<p>"In such a case occurring to the young, in, perhaps, +a first attachment, I think they must be guided by +friends. I am <em>not</em> an advocate for the interference of +friends: where it is much a question of a long and contingent +engagement—a question of being married at +once, or of waiting, in some uncertainty—a question of +ease or discomfort, of limited means or luxury—in such +instances, if the moral character be unexceptionable, it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_254" id="Pg_254">[254]</a></span> +is the duty of parents to point out all the risk, all the +disadvantages, but to leave the heart to form its own decisions. +Let them not seek to wrench the affections +from the channel in which they flowed, when fresh from +their source. They cannot know how deep the channel +is—they cannot know if ever those pure and beautiful +waters will flow in peace again when once hastily turned +aside. But in cases of moral character, of right or +wrong, the affair is wholly different, and the strictest +parental authority ought, upon due inquiry, to be exercised.</p> + +<p>"Submission and self-control are then the duty of the +young sufferer—for a sufferer she truly <em>is</em>;—no page of +her after-history could unfold a bitterer pang. But +peace and hope come at last—the struggle, though violent, +leaves behind it none of that corroding sorrow, +which would have accompanied the acquiescence of parents +in a union unblessed by a Providence, whose will +is that all should be pure, even as He above is pure. +Had your fond wishes been granted, young and trusting +being, how fearful would have been your condition! +For there is no suspicion so revolting to an innocent +mind as that which unseats love from his throne in our +affections, and places another in his stead. Be assured +of this—little can you know of the moral conduct of the +other sex; little is it desirable that you should know. +But whenever improprieties are so flagrant as to be matters +of conversation; when the good shun, and the pitying +forbear to excuse; be assured some deeper cause +than you can divine exists for the opprobrium. Think +not that your empire over affections thus wasted can be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_255" id="Pg_255">[255]</a></span> +a real one. It is transient, it will not last—it will not +bring reformation—it will never be adequately requited. +Throw yourself on the judgment of those whose interest +in you has been life-long, or of such as you know truly +regard your happiness; conquer the unhallowed preference; +pray for support and guidance; trust in Him who +'catereth for the sparrow.'</p> + +<p>"But, when the commencement of life is chilled by so +cruel a sorrow—when the blight has fallen on the bud—we +must not only look up to heavenly aid, we must take +every means of care for an unfortunate, and, when once +the judgment is convinced of the unworthiness of the +object, a blameable attachment. How often, in the +Psalms, in the Gospels, the word 'Help' is reiterated! +We are to help ourselves—we must work for our heavenly +peace on earth—the mental discipline, to prosper, must +be aided by divine grace, but its springs must be from +our own hearts. And, to fulfill the will of God in this, +as in the other events of life, let us take such means as +may aid us in the work of self-government.</p> + +<p>"In the first place, let employment be resorted to by +the sorrowing, do not indulge in tears; do not sit alone: +abstain, for a time, from music; abstain from the perusal +of poetry, or works of imagination. They still more +soften the feelings and open up the sources of grief. +Read works of <em>fact</em>—endeavor to occupy yourself with +the passing events of the world. And, when the overburdened +heart cannot be comforted, or its thoughts diverted—for +there will be moments too mournful to be resisted—go +forth into the fields, go to the houses of the +poor—see the goodness and mercy of God—see too, the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_256" id="Pg_256">[256]</a></span> +patience and long-suffering of the poor, who may often +set the rich an example of fortitude. Occupy yourself, +if you can, with children; their freshness, their joyful +unconsciousness, the elasticity of their spirits, will sustain +and draw you from yourself, or have recourse to the +soothing calmness of the aged. Hear them converse +upon the affairs of life; how they appreciate the importance +of each passing event, as a traveler does the ruts +and inequalities of the road he has traversed. How +their confidence in the effect of time sustains you! and +you turn from them, reflecting on all that the happiest +of them must necessarily have endured. Be assured of +your own recovery, under an influence so certain.</p> + +<p>"Avoid young persons of your own age. If possible, +except to a sister, whose deep interest in you will probably +teach her a superior lesson, never confide in young +friends, a similar trial as that to which I have referred. +In general, your resolution will be weakened, your feelings +re-excited, your confidence in your best advisers +will be shaken. For the young usually take the part +of the rejected lover—they delight in that dangerous +species of sympathy which flatters with hope. They +are naturally incredulous as to the delinquencies of a +man who is agreeable, and in love; they incline to the +notion of the hard-heartedness of fathers, uncles, and +elder brothers; and even, if they happen to possess good +sense, or to exercise the rare quality of prudence in such +matters, the very communication of any sorrow, or the +recital of any feelings, gives not only a merely temporary +relief, but deadens that sorrow and strengthens +those feelings, which grow every time they are imparted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_257" id="Pg_257">[257]</a></span> +If you wish to recover—and, if you have a sound and +well-disposed mind, you <em>will</em> wish to recover—you must, +after the first burst of grief is over, speak but rarely of +a theme too painful and delicate to bear the contact of +rude minds—too dangerous to dwell upon with those of +a kindlier and loftier nature.</p> + +<p>"To your female relations—to your mother, more especially, +too great an openness cannot be practiced on +these points, but openness does not imply a perpetual +recurrence to a theme, which must wear out patience and +exhaust all but maternal sympathy, in time. For maternal +sympathy is exhaustless; be generous, and restrain, +from that very reflection, the continual demand upon its +flow. The first person to consult, the last to afflict—a +mother—should not be the victim of her daughter's feelings. +Her judgment should not be weakened by the incessant +indulgence of a daughter's sorrows.</p> + +<p>"I would, on many grounds, caution the young +against hasty engagements. It seems extraordinary +that the welfare of a life should often be determined +upon the acquaintance of a few weeks. The principles, +it is true, may be ascertained from the knowledge of +others, the manners may please, the means and expectations +may all be clearly understood. But the temper—that +word of unspeakable import—the daily habits, the +power of constancy—these are not to be known without +a long and severe examination of the motives, and a +daily observation of the conduct, of others. Very little +suffices to mar the happiness of married life, if that little +proceed in the character of a man, from a rooted selfishness.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_258" id="Pg_258">[258]</a></span></p><p>"It is true, in regard to this defect, that much may +be done by a wife to meliorate a vice of character which +is, in some, only the result of never having had their +feelings developed. But if there exist not this excuse—if, +in spite of ties, which are dearer to an affectionate +mind than existence; you find a man preferring his own +comfort to that of those whom he professes to love—if +you find him imperious to his servants, dictatorial to sisters, +on cool terms with brothers, there is little hope that +the mental disease will ever be rooted out, so as to leave +a healthy character of mind. Examine well into this +point; for a hasty temper may be remedied, and even +endured—but the deep, slow, sullen course of a selfish +nature wears away hope, imparts a cankering care, and, +with it, often disgust. No defect is so little to be resisted +as selfishness. It creeps into every detail; it infects +the minutest affairs of life as well as the greatest +concerns. It depresses the humble sufferer from its +baneful effects; it irritates the passions of the unamiable. +Study well the character in trifles; nor venture to risk +your bark on the sea of matrimony, unless you know +well how far this man, whom you might prefer, is free +from this deadly infection. View him, if possible, in his +home, before you pledge your faith with his—or, if that +be not practicable, reflect upon the general course of his +actions, of his sentiments, and endeavor dispassionately +to judge them, as best you may."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_259" id="Pg_259">[259]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XXIV" id="CHPTR_XXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXIV.<br /> +<span class="subttl">BRIDAL ETIQUETTE.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>In preparing a bridal outfit, it is best to furnish the +wardrobe for at least two years, in under-clothes, and +one year in dresses, though the bonnet and cloak, suitable +for the coming season, are all that are necessary, as +the fashions in these articles change so rapidly. If you +are going to travel, have a neat dress and cloak of some +plain color, and a close bonnet and veil. Avoid, as intensely +vulgar, any display of your position as a <em>bride</em>, +whilst traveling.</p> + +<p>Take, first, the weddings at church. In this case none +are invited to the ceremony excepting the family, and +the reception is at the house of the bride's mother, or +nearest relative, either on the wedding-day or upon her +return from the bridal tour.</p> + +<p>In sending out the invitations, let the card of the +bridegroom and that of the bride be tied together with a +white ribbon, and folded in the note paper upon which +is printed the name of the bride's mother, with the date +of the reception-day, thus:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p><span class="smcap p-l2">Mrs. John Saunders.</span><br /> +<span class="p-l4">At home, Thursday, Oct. 16th,</span><br /> +<span class="p-l6">from 11 till 2.</span></p> +<p>No. 218, —— st.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_260" id="Pg_260">[260]</a></span></p><p>of course the hours and dates vary, but the form is the +same.</p> + +<p>If there is no bridal reception upon the wedding day, +the cards are worded:—</p> + +<div class="blocks"> +<p><span class="smcap p-l2">Mr. and Mrs. James Smith.</span><br /> +<span class="p-l4">At home, Wednesdays,</span><br /> +<span class="p-l6">On, and after, June 6th.</span></p> + +<p>No. 17, —— st.</p> +</div> + +<p>Tie the card with the bride's maiden name upon it to this +one.</p> + +<p>Enclose the invitation in a white envelope, and tie it +with white satin ribbon. If you send cake, have it put +in a white box, and place the note outside the cover, +tying it fast with white satin ribbon.</p> + +<p>The bride's dress must be of white entirely. If she +is married in the morning, a plain white silk, white +mantle, and white bonnet, full trimmed with orange +flowers, with a plain veil, is the most suitable dress, and +she may wear a richer one at her reception, when she returns +from her bridal tour.</p> + +<p>As soon as the carriages come, let the bridesmaids, +and relatives set off first.—Last, the bride with her parents. +The bride, her parents, and the bridesmaids go +immediately to the vestry, where they meet the bridegroom, +and the groomsmen. The father of the bride +gives her his arm and escorts her to the altar, the bridegroom +walking on the other side. Then follow the +bridesmaids and groomsmen in couples.</p> + +<p>When they reach the altar the bridegroom removes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_261" id="Pg_261">[261]</a></span> +his right hand glove, but the bride keeps hers on until +the clergyman takes the ring. The first bridesmaid then +removes the left hand glove, and it is not resumed. The +bridesmaids should wear white dresses, white mantles, and +bonnets, but not veils or orange flowers.</p> + +<p>The bride and groom leave the church first, after the +ceremony is over, and take the carriage with the parents +of the bride, and the others follow in the order in which +they came.</p> + +<p>If there is a breakfast or morning reception, the bride +will not change her dress until she retires to put on her +traveling attire. If the wedding takes place in the +evening at church, to be followed by a full dress reception +at home, the bride should wear a white lace dress +over satin, or any other material to suit her own taste, a +veil, falling from her head to her feet, fastened to the +hair by a coiffure of orange flowers; white kid gloves, +and white satin slippers. A bouquet, if carried, should +contain only white flowers.</p> + +<p>The bridesmaids may wear white, or some thin, light-colored +material over white, a head-dress of flowers, and +carry bouquets of mixed flowers.</p> + +<p>When the wedding takes place at home, let the company +assemble in the front drawing-room, and close the +doors between that and the back room. In the back +room, let the bride, bridegroom, bridesmaids, and groomsmen, +the parents of the bride, and the clergyman, assemble. +The clergyman should stand in the centre of +the room, the bride and groom before him, the bridesmaids +ranged beside the bride, the groomsmen beside the +bridegroom. Then open the doors and let the ceremony<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_262" id="Pg_262">[262]</a></span> +begin. This arrangement saves that awkwardness attendant +upon entering the room and taking the position +before a large company.</p> + +<p>After the ceremony is over, the parents of the bride +speak to her first; then her near relatives, and not until +then the other members of the company.</p> + +<p>It is not usual now to have dancing, or even music, at +a wedding, and the hour is named upon the cards, at +which the guests are expected to retire.</p> + +<p>A very pretty effect is produced in the wedding group, +if the bride wears pure white, and the bridesmaids white, +with flowers and trimmings of a different color. Thus, +one in white, with a head-dress and trimming of green +leaves; another, white, with blue ribbons and forget-me-nots; +another, white, with pink roses and ribbons.</p> + +<p>If the wedding is in the morning, the bride and +family may wear full dress; in that case the shutters +should be closed and the rooms lighted as in the evenings.</p> + +<p>Let the supper be laid early, and ready when the +ceremony is over, that the guests may pass into the +dining-room, if they wish, as soon as they have spoken +to the bride. If a morning wedding, let the table be set +as for an evening wedding.</p> + +<p>If the bride gives a reception at her own house, after +her return from her bridal tour, she should not wear her +wedding-dress. If in the evening, a supper should be +set. If a morning reception, let her wear a handsome +light silk, collar and sleeves of lace. Wine and cake are +sufficient to hand to each guest at a morning reception.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_263" id="Pg_263">[263]</a></span> +At an evening reception let the bride wear full dress, +but not her wedding-dress.</p> + +<p>At parties given to a newly married couple, the bridesmaids +and groomsmen are always invited, and the whole +party are expected to wear the same dresses as at the +wedding.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_264" id="Pg_264">[264]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XXV" id="CHPTR_XXV"></a>CHAPTER XXV.<br /> +<span class="subttl">HINTS ON HEALTH.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>The universal remark of travelers visiting America, +as well as the universal complaint of Americans themselves, +relates to the ill health of the fairer portion of +the community. Look where you will, go to any city in +the vast Union, the remark and complaint will be made +everywhere. With every natural advantage of climate, +yet from North to South, East to West the cry resounds.</p> + +<p>Foreigners, admiring the dark-eyed girls of the southern +states or the blondes of the northern ones, will remark, +with comments upon beauty:—</p> + +<p>"But she looks delicate, poor thing!—Not strong? +Ah! I thought not, none of the American women are, +and how soon these young beauties fade!"</p> + +<p>It seems to me, amongst the subjects treated of in my +present work, that a few words on health will not come +amiss.</p> + +<p>"Light and sunshine are needful for your health. +Get all you can; keep your windows clean. Do not +block them up with curtains, plants, or bunches of +flowers;—these last poison the air, in small rooms.</p> + +<p>"Fresh air is needful for your health. As often as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_265" id="Pg_265">[265]</a></span> +you can, open all your windows, if only for a short time +in bad weather; in fine weather, keep them open, but +never sit in draughts. When you get up, open the windows +wide, and throw down the bed-clothes, that they +may be exposed to fresh air some hours, daily, before +they are made up. Keep your bed-clothes clean; hang +them to the fire when you can. Avoid wearing at night +what you wear in the day. Hang up your day-clothes +at night. Except in the severest weather, in small, +crowded sleeping-rooms, a little opening at the top of +the window-sash is very important; or you will find one +window pane of perforated zinc very useful. You will +not catch cold half so easily by breathing pure air at +night. Let not the beds be directly under the windows. +Sleeping in exhausted air creates a desire for stimulants.</p> + +<p>"Pure water is needful for your health. Wash your +bodies as well as your faces, rubbing them all over with +a coarse cloth. If you cannot wash thus every morning, +pray do so once a week. Crying and cross children are +often pacified by a gentle washing of their little hands +and faces—it soothes them. Babies' heads should be +washed carefully, every morning with soap. No scurf +should be suffered to remain upon them. Get rid of +all slops and dirty water at once. Disease, and even +death, is often the consequence of our own negligence. +Wash your rooms and passages at least once a week, use +plenty of clean water; but do not let your children stay +in them while they are wet, it may bring on croup or +inflammation of the chest. If you read your Bibles, +which it is earnestly hoped you do, you will find how +cleanliness, both as to the person and habitation, was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_266" id="Pg_266">[266]</a></span> +taught to the Jews by God himself; and we read in the +4th chapter of Nehemiah that when they were building +their second temple, and defending their lives against +their foes, having no time for rest, they contrived to put +off their clothes for washing. It is a good old saying, +that <i>cleanliness is next to godliness</i>. See Heb. x. 22.</p> + +<p>"Wholesome food is needful for your health. Buy +the most strengthening. Pieces of fresh beef and mutton +go the farthest. Eat plenty of fresh salt with food; +it prevents disease. Pray do not let your children waste +their pennies in tarts, cakes, bull's eyes, hardbake, sour +fruit, &c., they are very unwholesome, and hurt the +digestion. People would often, at twenty years of age, +have a nice little sum of money to help them on in the +world, if they had put in the savings' bank the money +so wasted; Cocoa is cheaper and much more nourishing +than <em>tea</em>. None of these liquids should be taken <em>hot</em>, +but lukewarm; when hot they inflame the stomach, and +produce indigestion.</p> + +<p>"We are all made to breathe the pure air of heaven, +and therefore much illness is caused by being constantly +in-doors. Let all persons make a point, whenever it is +possible, of taking exercise in the <em>open air</em> for at least +an hour and a half <em>daily</em>. <em>Time</em> would be saved in the +long run by the increased energy and strength gained, +and by the warding off of disease."</p> + +<p>Let it not be supposed that it is not the duty of +every young lady to take due care of her health, and to +preserve in all its power of utility every portion of vigor +which has been bestowed on her.</p> + +<p>With many young ladies, it appears to be a maxim to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_267" id="Pg_267">[267]</a></span> +do everything in their power to destroy the health which +is so much wanted in the real business of life, and +which forms so important a requisite to happiness. In +the first place, as to hours—they never leave the ball-room +until utterly exhausted, and scarcely fit to crawl to +bed. The noon-day sleep, the scarcely touched breakfast, +that most important meal, are followed by preparations +for the succeeding night's pleasures, or in head-aching +morning calls, driving about in a close carriage, +or lounging on a sofa, in an over-heated room, reading +novels.</p> + +<p>Dressing follows; the warm wrapper or dress is thrown +aside; over the tightly drawn corsets is fastened a flimsy +dress, with an inch of sleeve; the neck laid bare; thin +stockings drawn on, in place of thick ones, and the consumption-seeker +goes forth to the ball-room again.</p> + +<p>"At times, you miss from the gay assemblage some +former ornament—you inquire about her—she has taken +cold. Inflammation of the lungs, caught it in an accidental +draught of air by one of these fair half-dressed +beings, carried off, not long since, one of the gayest and +fairest of the belles of the season—after an illness of +three days.</p> + +<p>"Preservation of the health ought, from an early +stage of existence, to be enforced as a duty upon the +young. To walk daily; to have daily recourse, in summer, +even twice a day, to the sponging with cold water, +or the shower-bath;—to eat sufficiently of plain, nutritious +food; to keep the mind calm—these are <em>duties</em>;—they +should be habitually exercised. Care should be +taken not to come out heated, with a shawl just pinned<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_268" id="Pg_268">[268]</a></span> +across the shoulders, from a heated room. Where there +is delicacy of the lungs or windpipe, yet not sufficient to +render a withdrawal from evening parties necessary, the +use of a respirator at night is desirable. It is usual to +have recourse to this valuable invention only when disease +is actually existing—as a preventive, it is neglected. +Yet, preserving the temperature of a warm room, it is +an excellent precaution, and can easily be assumed when +the shawl or cloak is put on. The atmosphere of a city +is destructive where there is any pulmonary delicacy, +and who shall say, where there is <em>not</em> pulmonary delicacy? +In this climate, there is a tendency to it, more +or less, in almost every family,—at all events, it is too +easily induced in our predisposed constitutions, by cold, +aided by the debilitating effect of heated rooms and an +artificial mode of existence, and accelerated also, most +decidedly, by bared shoulders. For, in this climate, it +is scarcely ever safe to lay bare that portion of the +frame, the back and chest in which the lungs are seated; +and, although custom may greatly lead to diminish the +injurious effects, the sudden chill may strike, and may +never be recovered.</p> + +<p>"During every season, certain people have 'head +colds,' coughs, and 'feverish colds.' These are produced +by certain states of climate acting on certain states of +constitution. At particular seasons such complaints +abound—at others they abound still more; and again, +from some singularity, they prevail so much that people +say, there is an <em>Influenza</em>.</p> + +<p>"Influenza has been long known in the world. It +has often visited Europe; and made its appearance on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_269" id="Pg_269">[269]</a></span> +our shores with greater severity than at present. It has +sometimes been very severe, and left many persons ill for +a year or two.</p> + +<p>"The symptoms of influenza need not be dwelt on, as +they have been so generally felt by our readers or their +friends. It varies in different people, to be sure, both +in kind and in degree. Considering the number of people +it attacks, it may be looked on as an innocent disease; +but, on the other hand, looking at the increase it +has made in the number of deaths, it is an exceedingly +serious one after all.</p> + +<p>"In simple cases—confinement to a pure and temperate +air, warm drinks, and a warm bath, or, at least, a +warm foot-bath, with an extra blanket, and a little more +rest than usual, keeping to mild food, and toast and +water, and taking, if necessary, a dose of aperient medicine,—is +all that is required. In serious cases, the domestic +treatment must become professional. Mustard +plasters to the back relieve the headache. Squills find +other medicines 'loosen' the outstanding cough. Bark +and wine, and even cold baths are sometimes requisite +for the weakness left behind. But these things can only +be used with discrimination by a regular professional +man.</p> + +<p>"Supposing that the seeds of disease have not been +laid in childhood, and that there is no particular predisposition +to any malady in the constitution, a young +woman enters life with every fair prospect of enjoying +tolerable health;—yet, how variable, and delicate, and +complaining, do the majority of women become! What +a vast expense is incurred, during the course of their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_270" id="Pg_270">[270]</a></span> +lives, in physicians, medicine, change of air, baths +abroad and at home, and journeys! How few women +can walk,—or can suppress nervous feelings,—or can eat +like reasonable beings: how many suffer, or say they +suffer from debility, headaches, dyspepsia, a tendency +to colds, eternal sore throats, rheumatic attacks, and the +whole list of polite complaints! With all our modern +wisdom, with all our books on health, our smatterings of +physiological science, our open carriages, sponging baths, +and attention to diet, women now are a far more feeble +race than our grandmothers, or even our mothers, were. +What daughter can walk half as far as her mother can? +What young woman can take the active part that her +mother did? In most families, the order of things is reversed. +It is not a child trembling for her mother's +health, and fearing, lest her parent, no longer young, +should be fatigued; but it is the mother who is always +striving to spare her child exertions which she can herself +perfectly well undergo, but which the enfeebled child +of modern self-indulgence dare not encounter.</p> + +<p>"Yes! we are a self-indulgent race, this present generation. +Witness our easily excited feelings; witness +our late hours of rising, our sofas and easy chairs, our +useless days and dissipated nights! Witness our pallid +faces, our forms, sometimes attenuated and repulsive +while yet in early life, age marching, not creeping, on +before his time; or witness our over-fed and over-expanded +forms, enfeebled by indolence, and suffering the +worst species of debility—the debility of <em>fat</em>. Witness +our doing those things by deputy which our grandmothers +did themselves; witness our host of scents and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_271" id="Pg_271">[271]</a></span> +perfumed waters on our dressing-tables; our over-refinement, +which amounts to an enervating puerility, and our +incapacity of parting with one accustomed indulgence, +even at the bidding of the learned and disinterested adviser?</p> + +<p>"'In the education of women,' writes a modern physician, +'too little attention is given to subdue the imaginative +faculty, and to moderate sensibility; on the contrary, +they are generally fostered; and, instead of a +vigorous intellect and healthy condition of mind, we find +imagination and sentiment predominant over the reasoning +faculties, and laying the foundation of hysterical, +hypochondriacal, and even maniacal diseases.'<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a> It is, +in fact, this want of judgment in the management of +early life that produces so much misery when women are +called upon to perform an important part in society, and +when all that exertion can do is required at their hands.</p> + +<p>"The duration of sleep should not, in the adult, exceed +six or eight hours; women injure their health +greatly by excess in this respect. On rising, all women +should use some mode of cold or tepid bath; and, indeed, +in this respect the practice of the present day is admirable; +there is every facility for the bath. To some, the +use of the shower-bath is deleterious, and to all inconvenient, +and not likely to be resorted to except when +positively ordered. Dr. Combe recommends for <em>general</em> +use the tepid or warm bath, as being much more suitable +than the cold bath, 'especially in the winter for those +who are not robust, and full of animal heat.' When the +constitution is not sufficiently vigorous to ensure reaction<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_272" id="Pg_272">[272]</a></span> +after the cold bath, by producing a warm glow over the +surface, 'its use,' observes the same admirable writer, +'inevitably does harm.' But he enforces, that 'in order +to promote a due exhalation from the skin, the warm, +the tepid, or the shower-bath, as a means of preserving +health, ought to be in as common use as a change of apparel, +for it is equally a measure of necessary cleanliness.' +He inclines to the use of the tepid bath, as likely +to be the most generally efficacious.</p> + +<p>"I have known the most beneficial effects from a +modification of this advice, namely, from using a sponging-bath, +into which you pour a jug of warm water, and +in which you stand, whilst you sponge the body and +limbs profusely with cold water. A strong friction +should be employed after this process, either with horsehair +gloves or with a large coarse towel, and few persons +will find the use of the sponging-bath disagree with them +when thus employed. It is, indeed, incredible, when we +consider the importance of the exhalation performed by +the skin, to what extent ablution is neglected, not only, +as Dr. Combe specifies, in charitable institutions and +seminaries for the young, but by ladies, in ordinary circumstances, +to whom the use of the bath could be productive +of no inconvenience. In nervous complaints, +which are more or less the besetting evil of womankind, +the bath, in its various forms, becomes an invaluable aid.</p> + +<p>"In the formation of those habits which are necessary +for the preservation of health, another circumstance, +which, from its importance to health, cannot be deemed +trifling should be mentioned. It is a general practice +that beds should be made as soon as the occupants have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_273" id="Pg_273">[273]</a></span> +left their rooms, and before the air has been freely admitted +to play upon the recent depositary of the human +frame; but this should be avoided. The bed-linen and +blankets should be taken off, and the windows opened, so +that, for an hour or more, a thorough ventilation should +be procured.</p> + +<p>"Upon another point, the inconsistency and mental +blindness of women are almost inconceivable—the +insufficiency of their dress to resist the attacks of our +variable climate. How few women clothe themselves +like rational beings! Although, in latter years, they +have wisely adopted the use of warm dresses, and, more +especially, of the valuable Scottish plaid, yet how commonly +they neglect the aid of flannel in preserving them +not only from cold, but in securing a necessary circulation +of vitality in the skin! 'The necessary effect of +deficient circulation in the skin,' remarks Dr. Combe, +'is to throw a disproportionate mass of blood inwards; +and when this condition exists, insufficient clothing perpetuates +the evil, until internal disease is generated, and +health is irrecoverably lost.' How common is the complaint +among young women, especially those of sedentary +habits, of chilliness, cold feet, and other symptoms of +deficient circulation! and yet how impossible would it +often be—for women are usually obstinate on this head—to +induce them to exchange the thin silk stocking for +a warm merino one, or to substitute a proper walking +shoe for the paper-like articles which they designate by +that name! Hence arise many diseases, which are, by +insensible degrees, fostered in the system by the unequal +distribution of the blood oppressing the internal organs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_274" id="Pg_274">[274]</a></span> +The habitual tendency to that chilliness which has been +referred to should never be disregarded, 'laying, as it +does,' says Dr. Combe, 'the foundation of tubercles in +the lungs, and other maladies, which show themselves +only when arrived at an incurable stage.' 'All those +who value health, and have common sense, will therefore +take warning from signs like these, and never rest until +equilibrium of action be restored.' Warm clothing, exercise +in the open air, sponging with tepid water and +vinegar, or the warm bath, the use of a flesh-brush or +hair-glove, are adapted to remedy these serious and +threatening evils.</p> + +<p>"But, whilst insufficiency of clothing is to be deprecated, +excessive wrapping up should also be avoided. +Great differences exist between the power of generating +heat and resisting cold in individuals, and it is therefore +impossible to prescribe general rules upon the subject of +clothing. The best maxim is, not to dress in an invariable +way in all cases, but to put on clothing sufficient in +the individual case, to protect the body effectively +against the sensation of cold.<a name="FNanchor_C_3" id="FNanchor_C_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_C_3" class="fnanchor">[C]</a></p> + +<p>"The insufficiency of warmth in the clothing of females +constitutes only one part of its injurious effects. +The tightness of dress obstructs the insensible perspiration +hurtfully, and produces an irregular circulation. +Every part and function of the human frame are linked +together so closely, that we cannot act wrongly towards +one organ without all suffering, nor act rightly without +all sharing the benefit of our judgment and good sense.</p> + +<p>"The mischief arising from cold or wet feet is admitted +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_275" id="Pg_275">[275]</a></span> +by all persons who have given the subject of health +even the most casual consideration. In conversing with +very aged people, you will generally find a disregard of +diet, and very different notions and practices upon the +subject of exercise and ablution; but they all agree in +the necessity of keeping the feet dry. I remember inquiring +of a venerable clergyman, who, up to the age of +ninety-six, had enjoyed a fair proportion of health, after +a youth of delicacy. I asked him what system he pursued. +'Now,' was his reply, 'I never took much care +what I ate; I have always been temperate. I never +minded the weather; but I always took care to keep +my feet dry and well shod.' Wet and damp are, indeed, +more unwholsome when applied to the feet than when +they affect other parts; 'because they receive a greater +supply of blood to carry on a high degree of perspiration, +and because their distance from the heart, or centre +of circulation, diminishes the force with which this is +carried on, and thus leaves them more susceptible from +external causes.'<a name="FNanchor_D_4" id="FNanchor_D_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_D_4" class="fnanchor">[D]</a></p> + +<p>"God, in his infinite benevolence, has given to his +creatures other means of acquiring a healthy warmth +than by clothing; he has endowed us with the power of +exercise—that blessing which women of weak judgment +and indolent natures are so prone to neglect and disparage. +Most ladies appear to think that the privilege of +walking is only intended for persons of inferior condition. +They busy themselves, in their in-door occupations +all the morning, take a hearty luncheon, and drive out +in their carriages until dinner-time. It is partly owing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_276" id="Pg_276">[276]</a></span> +to such customs as these that a rapid deterioration takes +place in the physical state of our sex, in their looks, and +in their power of utility, and enjoyment of happiness. +God never intended us to be inactive.</p> + +<p>"The chief purpose of the muscles with which we are +endowed, is to enable us to carry into effect the volitions +of the mind; and, whilst fulfilling this grand object, the +active exercise of the muscles is conducive to the well-being +of many other important functions. The processes +of digestion, respiration, secretion, absorption, and nutrition, +are promoted, and the healthful condition of the +whole body influenced. The mind also is depressed or +exhilarated by the proper or improper use of muscular exercise; +for man is intended for a life of activity: nor can his +functions ever go on so properly as when he duly exercises +those organs with which Nature has endowed him. +The evils arising from want of exercise are numerous:—the +circulation, from the absence of due stimulus, becomes +languid, the appetite and digestion are weakened, +the respiration is imperfect, and the blood becomes so ill-conditioned, +that when distributed through the body it is +inadequate to communicate the necessary stimulus to +healthy and vigorous action. These points being established, +it now becomes a consideration in what mode, or +at what periods, ladies, in society, can most advantageously +avail themselves of that privilege which is +granted to so many, denied, comparatively, to so few.</p> + +<p>"Much is said on the benefits of walking before +breakfast, and to a person in full vigor it may, there is +no doubt, be highly salutary; whilst, to the delicate, it +will prove more hurtful than beneficial, producing a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_277" id="Pg_277">[277]</a></span> +sense of weariness which destroys all the future pleasures +of the day. I am disposed to think, however, from observation, +that walking before breakfast may be rendered +beneficial almost to any one by degrees. Most persons +walk too far the first day; they are proud of the effort, +become, nevertheless, exhausted, and dare not repeat it. +A first walk before breakfast should not exceed a quarter +of a mile; it should be extended, very gradually, and, +in delicate women, with great care, lest over-fatigue +should ensue. It is, however, so valuable a habit, such +a saving of time, so refreshing, so soothing, that many +sacrifices of inclination should be made to procure it; in a +gay season the freshness and seclusion of a morning's walk +is peculiarly needed, and when it becomes so difficult to +take exercise in the subsequent part of the day, the afternoon +being too short, and the evening too much occupied. +And the morning's walk, stolen from the hour given to +a species of repose which seldom rests, may be, without +the reproach of indolence, followed by the afternoon's +siesta—a practice much to be commended, and greatly +conducive to rest of nerves and invigoration of the frame, +when used in moderation.</p> + +<p>"Exercise may be taken, by the robust, at any time, +even after eating heartily, but the delicate ought to avoid +that risk; they should resort to it only when the frame is +vigorous enough to bear it, and this is usually from one +to four or five hours after eating. The morning is, +therefore, the best time; but exercise ought not to be +delayed until some degree of exhaustion has taken place +from want of food, as in that case it dissipates rather +than renovates the remaining strength, and impairs digestion. +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_278" id="Pg_278">[278]</a></span> +Exercise immediately before meals is therefore, +unless very gentle, injurious; if it has been violent, before +eating rest should intervene. 'Appetite,' says Dr. +Combe, 'revives after repose.'</p> + +<p>"Of all modes of exercise, that which nature has bestowed +upon us, walking, is decidedly the most salutary; +and the prevailing system of substituting horse and carriage +exercise almost entirely for it, is far from being +advantageous to the present generation. Walking, +which has for its aim some pleasing pursuit, and, therefore, +animates the mind, is efficacious to the majority. +Gardening, which is a modification of walking, offers +many advantages both to the delicate and the strong, +and it is a species of exercise which we can adjust to our +powers. In a continued walk you must go on—you +must return; there is no appeal, even if you have gone +too far, and would willingly give up any further exertion. +But, while gardening, you are still at home—your exertions +are devoted to objects the most interesting, because +progressive; hope and faith form a part of your stimulus. +The happy future, when flowers shall bloom around +you, supersedes in your thoughts the vexatious present +or the mournful past. About you are the budding treasures +of spring, or the gorgeous productions of summer, +or the rich hues of those beauties which autumn pours +forth most lavishly before it departs,—and is succeeded +by winter. Above you are the gay warblers, who seem +to hail you as you mingle in the sylvan scenes which are +not all theirs, but which you share and appropriate. +The ruffled temper, the harassed mind, may find a solace +in the occupation of gardening, which aids the effect of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_279" id="Pg_279">[279]</a></span> +exercise and the benign influence of fresh air. Stores +of future and never-dying interest are buried in the +earth with every seed, only to spring up again redoubled +in their value. A lady, as a writer in the 'Quarterly +Review' observes, should 'not only <em>have</em> but know her +plants.' And her enjoyment of those delights is truly +enhanced by that personal care, without which few gardens, +however superintended by the scientific gardener, can +prosper, and which bless as they thrive; her plants bestow +health on the frame which is bowed down to train them—they +give to her the blessing of a calm and rational +pleasure—they relieve her from the necessity of excitement—they +promote alike, in the wealthy and the poor, +these gentle exertions which are coupled with the most +poetical and the sweetest of associations.</p> + +<p>"Exercise on horseback is not equally attainable with +the two modes which I have just specified; when it is, +the accelerated circulation, the change of scene and of +ideas, are highly beneficial. Where the lungs are weak, +it is thought by the learned to possess a great advantage +over walking, as it does not hurry the breathing. The +gentleness of the exercise enables a delicate person to +enjoy the advantage of open air and motion for a much +longer period than could be endured in the action of +walking. From the tendency of horse exercise to equalize +the circulation and stimulate the skin, it is invaluable, +too, for the nervous and dyspeptic portion of young +women, among whom, unhappily, such complaints are +but too prevalent.</p> + +<p>"Dancing, which is the most frequent mode of exercise +with ladies in great cities, practiced, as it is, in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_280" id="Pg_280">[280]</a></span> +heated rooms, and exhausting from its violence, often +does more harm than good, from producing languor and +over-fatigue. Unhappily there are but few modes of exercise +in-doors adapted for women. If, from any circumstances, +they are confined to their homes, and they +become feverish and languid from want of exercise, it +never occurs to them to throw open the windows and to +walk about, or to make use of battledore and shuttlecock, +or any other mode of exertion. They continue +sitting, reading, or walking, or lounging, or sleeping, or +gossiping,—whilst the bloom of health is rapidly giving +place to the wanness and debility of the imprisoned +frame.</p> + +<p>"It is often the custom of young women to declare +that they cannot walk, sometimes from indolence, no +doubt, and want of habit, occasionally from real inability. +But if we investigate the causes of this real inability, we +shall often find it to proceed from an improper choice of +time in taking exercise, or from a defective judgment in +the manner of taking it. Many women exhaust and fatigue +themselves with the duties of their house, and by +a thousand trying occupations, including that which +forms a serious item in the day's work, namely, running +up and down stairs, and then discover that they cannot +walk. Others go to extremes, and walk for a certain +distance, whether they feel fatigued or not by such exertions. +'It is only,' observes Dr. Combe, 'by a diffusion +of the laws of exercise as a part of useful education, +that individuals can be enabled to avoid such mistakes,' +To be beneficial, exercise should always be proportioned +to the strength and to the constitution of an individual.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_281" id="Pg_281">[281]</a></span> +When it causes extreme fatigue or exhaustion, it is hurtful; +it ought to be resumed always after a period of rest, +and adopted regularly, not, as too many persons are in +the habit of doing, once in four or five days. The average +walk which a young woman in good health and in +ordinary circumstances, may take, without undue and +injurious fatigue, is from four to five miles a-day. From +this rule I except the <em>very</em> young. It has been found +by experience that until twenty-two or three the strength +is not completely matured. The rate of mortality, as it +has been proved by statistical tables, increases in all +classes of society from fourteen until the age of twenty-three, +when it begins to decrease.</p> + +<p>"Another precaution which I would recommend to +those who have the regulation of families under their +care, relates to the subject of ventilation. The heated +state of our rooms in ordinary occupation is one great +source of all those mischiefs which arise from catching +cold, a subject on which Mr. Abernethy was wont to declare, +that 'a very useful book might be written.' There +are some houses into which one can never enter with impunity, +from the want of due ventilation. Housemaids, +more especially, have an insupportable objection to +opening windows, on account of the dust which flies in +and settles upon the furniture. This evil—for the soiling +of furniture certainly may be called an evil—may +easily be obviated by fastening a muslin blind against +the open window, or by pinning a large piece of coarse +muslin against it, so that the dusty particles will be excluded.</p> + +<p>"Generally our ordinary sitting-rooms are tolerably<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_282" id="Pg_282">[282]</a></span> +well ventilated by the opening and shutting of doors, +the size of the fire-place, &c., but in our bed-rooms the +vitiation of the air is far greater, owing to these rooms +being wholly closed during the seven or eight hours in +which we sleep in them, and, also, owing to the mass of +curtains with which we usually take care to surround our +beds. In this respect we are, indeed, improved, by the +introduction of French bedsteads, which are among the +most valuable of modern suggestions. But, notwithstanding +this improvement, and many others which reflection +and science have contributed to introduce, we +incur much suffering from our ignorance and prejudice +on the subject of ventilation. For generations, society +has experienced the evil effects of the want of ventilation, +and has felt in towns its results in the form of fevers, +general ill-health, cutaneous and nervous diseases; +and yet the most direful ignorance continues on this subject. +Hospitals are among the few well-ventilated +buildings which are erected, because an idea prevails +that ventilation is essential for the sick, but it seems to +have been forgotten that what is essential for the recovery +of health is equally necessary for its preservation. +'Were,' says Dr. Combe, 'a general knowledge of the +structure of man to constitute a regular part of a liberal +education, such inconsistencies as this would soon disappear, +and the scientific architect would speedily devise +the best means for supplying our houses with pure air, +as he has already supplied them with pure water.'"</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_283" id="Pg_283">[283]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHPTR_XXVI" id="CHPTR_XXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXVI.<br /> +<span class="subttl">MISCELLANEOUS.</span></h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<p>There are many little pieces of rudeness, only too +common, which, while they evince ill-breeding, and are +many of them extremely annoying, yet they are met +with every day, and in persons otherwise well-bred.</p> + +<p>As they come under no particular head, they will +merely be mentioned here, as habits carefully to avoid.</p> + +<p>It is rude to look over the shoulder of a person who +is either reading or writing, yet it is done every day.</p> + +<p>To stand with the arms a-kimbo, the hands on the +hips, or with the arms crossed, while conversing, is exceedingly +unlady-like.</p> + +<p>Avoid restless movements either with the hands, or +feet; to sit perfectly quiet, without stiffness, easily, yet +at the same time almost motionless, is one of the surest +proofs of high-breeding.</p> + +<p>If you wish to make yourself agreeable to any one, +talk as much as you please about his or her affairs, and +as little as possible about your own.</p> + +<p>Avoid passing before persons seated in the same room +with yourself. If you must rise to move from place to +place, endeavor to pass behind the chairs of your companions. +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_284" id="Pg_284">[284]</a></span> +Above all, never pass between two persons +who are conversing together.</p> + +<p>Avoid personal remarks; they evince a want of judgment, +good taste, kindness, and politeness. To exchange +glances or significant smiles with a third person, whilst +engaged in a conversation with a second, is a proof of +low-breeding. Suppressed laughter, shrugging of the +shoulders, rolling of the eyes, and significant glances are +all marks of ill-breeding.</p> + +<p>If you meet a gentleman at the foot of a flight of +stairs, do not go up before him. Stop, bow, and motion +to him to precede you. He will return your bow, and +run up, leaving you to follow him.</p> + +<p>Never whisper, or make any confidential communication +in company. Keep private remarks for private occasions.</p> + +<p>Accepting presents from gentlemen is a dangerous +thing. It is better to avoid any such obligations, and, +if you make it a rule <em>never</em> to accept such presents, you +will avoid hurting any one's feelings, and save yourself +from all further perplexity.</p> + +<p>In meeting your elderly friends in the street, look at +them long enough to give them an opportunity of recognizing +you; and if they do so, return their salutations +respectfully, not with the familiar nod you would give to +one of your own age.</p> + +<p>Never remain seated, whilst a person older than yourself +is standing before you, talking to you.</p> + +<p>Never lounge on a sofa, while there are those in the +room, whose years give them a better claim to this sort +of indulgence.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_285" id="Pg_285">[285]</a></span> +Never tease a person to do what she has once declined.</p> + +<p>Never refuse a request or invitation in order to be +urged, and accept afterwards. Comply at once. If the +request is sincere, you will thus afford gratification; if +not, the individual making it deserves to be punished for +insincerity, by being taken at her word.</p> + +<p>It is not polite when asked what part of a dish you +will have, to say, "Any part—it is quite indifferent to +me;" it is hard enough to carve for one's friends, without +choosing for them.</p> + +<p>It is not polite to entertain a visitor with your own +family history, or the events of your own household.</p> + +<p>It is not polite for married ladies to talk, in the presence +of gentlemen, of the difficulty they have in procuring +domestics, and how good-for-nothing they are +when procured.</p> + +<p>It is not polite to put food upon the plate of a guest +without asking leave, or to press her to eat more than +she wants.</p> + +<p>It is not polite to stare under ladies' bonnets, as if +you suspected they had stolen the linings from you, or +wore something that was not their own.</p> + +<p>Never affect a foolish reserve in a mixed company, +keeping aloof from others as if in a state of mental abstraction. +If your brain is so full and so busy that you +cannot attend to the little civilities, cheerful chit-chat, +and light amusements of society, keep out of it.</p> + +<p>Never read in company. You may open a book to +look over the engravings, if you will, but do not attend +to the letter-press until you are alone.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_286" id="Pg_286">[286]</a></span> +Never jest upon serious subjects. Avoid scandal. If +another person attempts to open a conversation upon +scandalous matters, check her. Say gravely that it is +painful for you to hear of the faults or misfortunes of +others, where your counsel and assistance can be of no +service.</p> + +<p>Many persons, whose tongues never utter a scandalous +word, will, by a significant glance, a shrug of the shoulders, +a sneer, or curl of the lip, really make more mischief, +and suggest harder thoughts than if they used the +severest language. This is utterly detestable. If you +have your tongue under perfect control, you can also +control your looks, and you are cowardly, contemptible, +and wicked, when you encourage and countenance slander +by a look or gesture.</p> + +<p>Never speak of gentlemen by their first name unless +you are related to them. It is very unlady-like to use +the surname, without the prefix, Mr. To hear a lady +speak of Smith, Brown, Anderson, instead of Mr. Anderson +or Mr. Smith sounds extremely vulgar, and is a +mark of low breeding.</p> + +<p>Avoid eccentricity either in dress, conversation, or +manner. It is a form of vanity, as it will attract attention, +and is therefore in bad taste.</p> + +<p>Never act as if in a hurry. Ease of action need not +imply laziness, but simply polite self-possession.</p> + +<p>Never laugh at your own wit. That is the part of +those who hear you, and if you take their duty from +them, they may omit to join you in your laugh.</p> + +<p>Do not indulge in ridicule. It is coarse and unlady-like +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_287" id="Pg_287">[287]</a></span> +as well as unfeeling. Like every other personality, +it should be carefully avoided.</p> + +<p>Never handle any ornament or article of furniture in +the room in which you are a visitor.</p> + +<p>Do not lean your head against the wall. You leave +an indelible mark upon the paper, or, if the wall is +whitewashed, you give your hair a dingy, dusty look, by +bringing it into contact with the lime.</p> + +<p>Never lean forward upon a table. Let neither hands +nor arms rest there heavily.</p> + +<p>To bestow flattery upon a person to his face, betrays +a want of delicacy; yet, not less so, rudely to rebuke +his errors or mention his faults, and not have a tender +regard for his feelings. It is not improper, and may +sometimes be very kind to mention to an individual what +yourself and others think of his conduct or performances, +when it is for his interest or usefulness to know +it. To express to a friend deserved approbation is generally +proper.</p> + +<p>Nothing but a quick perception of the feelings of +others, and a ready sympathy with them, can regulate +the thousand little proprieties that belong to visits of +condolence and congratulation. There is one hint, however, +as regards the former, which may perhaps be useful, +and that is, not to touch upon the cause of affliction, +unless the mourner leads the way to it; and if a painful +effort is made to appear cheerful, and to keep aloof from +the subject, do not make the slightest allusion that could +increase this feeling.</p> + +<p>When at table to <em>press</em> your guests to take more than +they have inclination for, is antiquated and rude. This<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_288" id="Pg_288">[288]</a></span> +does not, however, prevent your recommending particular +dishes to their attention. Everything like compulsion is +quite exploded.</p> + +<p>It is a great mistake to suppose that the best music is +the most difficult of execution. The very reverse, generally +speaking, is the case. Music of a high order certainly +demands high gifts and attainments on the part +of the performer. But the gifts of nature may be possessed +by the amateur as well as by the professor; and +the attainments of art may be the result of moderate +study and application. A young lady possessed of a sweet +and tunable voice, a good ear, intelligence, and feeling, +may cultivate music in its grandest and most beautiful +forms, and may render its practice a source of the purest +enjoyment, not only to herself but to her domestic and +social circle.</p> + +<p>The various ceremonies observed in refined society are +very useful in settling little points, on which there might +otherwise be much doubt and perplexity; but they should +never be so strenuously insisted upon as to make an accidental +omission of them a ground of resentment, and +an apology should always be accepted in their place.</p> + +<p>Your enjoyment of a party depends far less on what +you find there, than on what you carry with you. The +vain, the ambitious, the designing, will be full of anxiety +when they go, and of disappointment when they return. +A short triumph will be followed by a deep mortification, +and the selfishness of their aims defeats itself. If you +go to see, and to hear, and to make the best of whatever +occurs, with a disposition to admire all that is beautiful, +and to sympathize in the pleasures of others, you can<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_289" id="Pg_289">[289]</a></span> +hardly fail to spend the time pleasantly. The less you +think of yourself and your claims to attention, the better. +If you are much attended to, receive it modestly, +and consider it as a happy accident; if you are little +noticed, use your leisure in observing others.</p> + +<p>It were unjust and ungrateful to conceive that the +amusements of life are altogether forbidden by its beneficent +Author. They serve, on the contrary, important +purposes in the economy of human life, and are destined +to produce important effects both upon our happiness and +character. They are, in the first place, in the language +of the Psalmist, "the wells of the desert;" the kind +resting-places in which toil may relax, in which the weary +spirit may recover its tone, and where the desponding +mind may resume its strength and its hopes. It is not, +therefore, the use of the innocent amusements of life +which is dangerous, but the abuse of them; it is not +when they are occasionally, but when they are constantly +pursued; and when, from being an occasional indulgence, +it becomes an habitual desire.</p> + +<p>Women in the middle rank are brought up with the +idea that if they engage in some occupations, they shall +lose "their position in society." Suppose it to be so; +surely it is wiser to quit a position we cannot honestly +maintain, than to live dependent upon the bounty and +caprice of others; better to labor with our hands, than +eat the bread of idleness; or submit to feel that we must +not give utterance to our real opinions, or express our +honest indignation at being required to act a base or unworthy +part. And in all cases, however situated, every +female ought to learn how all household affairs are managed, +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_290" id="Pg_290">[290]</a></span> +were it only for the purpose of being able to direct +others. There cannot be any disgrace in learning +how to make the bread we eat, to cook our dinners, to +mend our clothes, or even to clean the house. Better +to be found busily engaged in removing the dust from +the furniture, than to let it accumulate there until a +visitor leaves palpable traces where his hat or his arm +have been laid upon a table.</p> + +<p>Never put temptation in a servant's way; never be +severe for trifling offences, such as accidentally breaking +anything, but reserve your severity for those offences +which are moral evils, such as a want of truth, general +laxity of principle, &c. The orders given to servants +should be clear and definite; and they should be trained +as much as possible to perform their duties regularly, so +that every morning they may know pretty nearly what +will be expected of them during the day. It is a great +point to live, when you are alone, as if you expected +company; that is to say, to have everything so neat and +orderly that you need not be ashamed of any one seeing +your table. It is very little more trouble, and certainly +no more expense; and the advantages in point of comfort +are unspeakable.</p> + +<p>If a foolish girl, by dint of squeezing and bracing with +busk and bones, secures the conventional beauty of a +wasp waist, she is tolerably certain to gain an addition +she by no means bargained for, a <em>red nose</em>, which, in +numberless instances, is produced by no other cause than +the unnatural girth, obstructing circulation, and causing +stagnation of the blood, in that prominent and important +feature. Often, in assemblages of the fair, we have seen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_291" id="Pg_291">[291]</a></span> +noses faultless in form, but tinged with the abhorred hue, +to which washes and cosmetics have been applied in wild +despair; but in vain! If the lovely owners had known +the cause, how speedily the effect would have vanished! +for surely the most perverse admirer of a distorted spine +and compressed lungs, would deem the acquisition of a +dram-drinker's nose, too heavy a condition to be complied +with.</p> + +<p>A well-bred woman will not demand as a right what +she may have a claim to expect from the politeness of +the other sex, nor show dissatisfaction and resentment if +she fancies herself neglected. For want of good breeding +some females are exorbitant in their expectations, +and appear unthankful even when everything is done +which true politeness demands. Young women should +guard against this unamiable defect.</p> + +<p>A well-bred person will take care not to use slang +words and expressions. There never has been a time, +at least in late years, when there have not been some +two or three cant vulgarisms in vogue among all the +blackguards of the country. Sometimes these phrases +have been caught up from some popular song or farce; +sometimes, we believe, they have had their origin "where +assembles the collective wisdom of the country." A +dozen of these terse but meaningless sayings now dance +before our recollection, for who has not heard them, even +to loathing? But from whatever source they may have +been drawn, or whatever wit there might be in their +original position, the obtrusion of them into decent society +is an unwarrantable piece of impertinence.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_292" id="Pg_292">[292]</a></span> +A habit of inserting into familiar conversation such +phrases as "You know," "You perceive," "You understand," +"Says he," "Says she," is, so far as those matters +extend, a sign of a want of good breeding.</p> + +<p>With regard to any specific rules for dressing, we do +not pretend to arbitrate in such matters. Let a true +sense of propriety, of the fitness of things, regulate all +your habits of living and dressing, and it will produce +such a beautiful harmony and consistency of character +as will throw a charm around you that all will feel, +though few may comprehend. Always consider well +whether the articles of dress, which you wish to purchase, +are suited to your age, your condition, your means; to +the climate, to the particular use to which you mean to +put them; and let the principles of good taste keep you +from the extremes of the fashion, and regulate the form, +so as to combine utility and beauty, whilst the known +rules of harmony in colors save you from shocking the +eye of the artist by incongruous mixtures.</p> + +<p>"Manners," says the eloquent Edmund Burke, "are +of more importance than laws. Upon them, in a great +measure, the laws depend. The law can touch us here +and there, now and then. Manners are what vex or +sooth, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarise or +refine, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, +like that of the air we breathe in. They give their +whole form and colors to our lives. According to their +quality they aid morals, they supply them, or they totally +destroy them."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_293" id="Pg_293">[293]</a></span></p> + +<h3>FOUR IMPORTANT RULES.</h3> + +<p>"Order is heaven's first law."</p> + +<p>1. A suitable place for everything, and everything in +its place.</p> + +<p>2. A proper time for everything, and everything done +in its time.</p> + +<p>3. A distinct name for everything, and everything +called by its name.</p> + +<p>4. A certain use for everything, and everything put +to its use.</p> + +<p>Much time would be saved; many disputes avoided; +numerous articles kept from being lost or injured, and +constant confusion and disorder prevented, by the strict +observance of these four important rules.</p> + +<p>Dispense with ornaments altogether rather than wear +mock jewelry.</p> + +<p>Depend upon it, silvery hair is better adapted to the +faded cheeks of middle age, than are tresses of nut-brown +or coal-black, or any of the mysterious shades +produced by a dirty decoction called Hair-dye.</p> + +<p>The habitual use of very thin shoes invariably makes +the feet tender, and a host of other inconveniences arise +therefrom. If you are tempted to purchase tight shoes, +don't, for several reasons; but one may suffice—you will +not wear them more than twice.</p> + +<p>If you are not quite certain of the line between neatness +and the reverse, be over-scrupulous about your under +garments. The edge of a soiled petticoat, or the +glimpse of a rent stocking is singularly disenchanting.</p> + +<p>Men of sense—I speak not of boys of eighteen to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_294" id="Pg_294">[294]</a></span> +five and twenty, during their age of detestability—men +who are worth the trouble of falling in love with, and +the fuss and inconvenience, of being married to, and to +whom one might, after some inward conflicts, and a +course perhaps of fasting and self-humiliation, submit to +fulfil those ill-contrived vows of obedience which are exacted +at the altar, such men want, for their wives, +companions, not dolls; and women who would suit such +men are just as capable of loving fervently, deeply, as +the Ringlettina, full of song and sentiment, who cannot +walk, cannot rise in the morning, cannot tie her bonnet-strings, +faints if she has to lace her boots, never in her +life brushed out her beautiful hair, would not for the +world prick her delicate finger with plain sewing; but +who can work harder than a factory girl upon a lamb's-wool +shepherdess, dance like a dervise at balls, ride like +a fox-hunter, and, whilst every breath of air gives her +cold in her father's house, and she cannot think how people +can endure this climate, she can go out to parties in +February and March, with an inch of sleeve and half-a-quarter +of boddice.</p> + +<p>All circumstances well examined, there can be no +doubt Providence has willed that man should be the head +of the human race, even as woman is its heart; that he +should be its strength, as she is its solace; that he should +be its wisdom, as she is its grace; that he should be its +mind, its impetus, and its courage, as she is its sentiment, +its charm, and its consolation. Too great an amelioration +could not be effected, in our opinion, in the system +generally adopted, which, far from correcting or even +compensating the presumed intellectual inequality of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_295" id="Pg_295">[295]</a></span> +two sexes, generally serves only to increase it. By +placing, for example, dancing and needle-work at the +extreme poles of female study, the one for its attraction +and the other for its utility, and by not filling the immense +interval with anything more valuable than mere +monotonous, imperfect, superficial, and totally unphilosophical +notions, this system has made of the greater +number of female seminaries, establishments which may +be compared alike to nursery-grounds for coquettes and +sempstresses. It is never remembered that in domestic +life conversation is of more importance than the needle +or choregraphy; that a husband is neither a pacha nor +a lazzarone, who must be perpetually intoxicated or unceasingly +patched; that there are upon the conjugal dial +many long hours of calm intimacy, of cool contemplation, +of cold tenderness; and that the husband makes +another home elsewhere if his own hearth offers him only +silence; or what is a hundred times worse, merely frivolous +and monotonous discourse. Let the woman play the +gossip at a given moment, that is all very well; let her +superintend the laundry or the kitchen at another, that +is also very well; but these duties only comprise two-thirds +of her mission. Ought care not to be taken that +during the rest of her time she could also be capable of +becoming to her husband a rational friend, a cheerful +partner, an interesting companion, or, at least, an efficient +listener, whose natural intelligence, even if originally +inferior to his own, shall, by the help of education, +have been raised to the same level!</p> + +<p>Pascal says: "Kind words do not cost much. They +never blister the tongue or lips. And we have never<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_296" id="Pg_296">[296]</a></span> +heard of any mental trouble arising from this quarter. +Though they do not cost much. 1. They help one's own +good nature. Soft words soften our own soul. Angry +words are fuel to the flame of wrath, and make it blaze +more fiercely. 2. Kind words make other people good natured. +Cold words freeze people, and hot words scorch +them, and bitter words make them bitter, and wrathful +words make them wrathful. There is such a rush of all +other kinds of words in our days, that it seems desirable +to give kind words a change among them. There are +vain words, and idle words, and hasty words, and spiteful +words, and silly words, and empty words, and profane +words, and boisterous words, and warlike words. +Kind words also produce their own image on men's souls. +And a beautiful image it is. They smooth, and quiet, +and comfort the hearer. They shame him out of his +sour, morose, unkind feelings. We have not yet begun +to use kind words in such abundance as they ought to be +used."</p> + +<p>A writer in the New York Observer, speaking of the +necessity of guarding the tongue, says:—</p> + +<p>"It is always well to avoid saying everything that is +improper; but it is especially so before children. And +here parents, as well as others, are often in fault. Children +have as many ears as grown persons, and they are +generally more attentive to what is said before them. +What they hear, they are very apt to repeat; and, as +they have no discretion, and not sufficient knowledge of +the world to disguise anything, it is generally found that +'children and fools speak the truth.' See that boy's +eyes glisten while you are speaking of a neighbor in a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_297" id="Pg_297">[297]</a></span> +language you would not wish to have repeated. He does +not fully understand what you mean, but he will remember +every word; and it will be strange if he does not +cause you to blush by the repetition.</p> + +<p>"A gentleman was in the habit of calling at a neighbor's +house, and the lady had always expressed to him +great pleasure from his calls. One day, just after she +had remarked to him, as usual, her happiness from his +visit, her little boy entered the room. The gentleman +took him on his knee, and asked, 'Are you not glad to +see me, George?' 'No, sir,' replied the boy. 'Why +not, my little man?' he continued. 'Because mother +don't want you to come,' said George. 'Indeed! how +do you know that, George?' Here the mother became +crimson, and looked daggers at her little son. But he +saw nothing, and therefore replied, 'Because, she said +yesterday, she wished that old bore would not call here +again.' That was enough. The gentleman's hat was +soon in requisition, and he left with the impression that +'great is the truth, and it will prevail.'</p> + +<p>"Another little child looked sharply in the face of a +visitor, and being asked what she meant by it, replied, +'I wanted to see if you had a drop in your eye; I heard +mother say you had frequently.'</p> + +<p>"A boy once asked one of his father's guests who it was +that lived next door to him, and when he heard his name, +inquired if he was not a fool. 'No, my little friend,' +replied the guest, 'he is not a fool, but a very sensible +man. But why did you ask that question?' 'Because,' +replied the boy, 'mother said the other day, that you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_298" id="Pg_298">[298]</a></span> +were next door to a fool; and I wanted to know who +lived next door to you.'"</p> + +<p>The best way to overcome the selfishness and rudeness +you sometimes meet with on public occasions, is, by great +politeness and disinterestedness on your part; overcome +evil with good, and you will satisfy your own conscience, +and, perhaps, touch theirs. Contending for your rights +stirs up the selfish feelings in others; but a readiness to +yield them awakens generous sentiments, and leads to +mutual accommodation. The more refined you are, and +the greater have been your advantages, the more polite +and considerate you should be toward others, the more +ready to give place to some poor, uneducated girl, who +knows no better than to push herself directly in your +way.</p> + +<p>Politeness is as necessary to a happy intercourse with +the inhabitants of the kitchen, as with those of the parlor; +it lessens the pains of service, promotes kind feelings +on both sides, and checks unbecoming familiarity; +always thank them for what they do for you, and always +ask rather than command their services.</p> + +<p>Of late years, the wearing of jewelry, in season and +out of season, both by matrons and unmarried females, +has increased vastly. It is an indication that the growing +wealth of the people is not accompanied by a corresponding +refinement; but that the love of vulgar show, +the low pride of ostentation, takes the place of a pure +and elevated taste. The emulation with fashionable +dames, now-a-days, so far from being, as with the Spartan +women, to excel each other in household virtues, is +to wear the largest diamonds. And, in this ambition,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_299" id="Pg_299">[299]</a></span> +they forget fitness, beauty, taste, everything but the +mere vulgar desire to shine. To be gracefully and elegantly +attired, in short, is secondary to the desire to be +a sort of jeweler's walking show-card. We do not oppose +the use of diamonds and pearls altogether, as some +persons might imagine from these remarks. A few diamonds, +judiciously worn, look well, on proper occasions, +on married women. But young girls rarely, or never, +improve their appearance by the use of these dazzling +jewels; and, as a general rule, the simpler the costume +of a woman in her teens, the better. Women are usually +pretty, up to the age of twenty, at least. Consequently, +at this period of life, there are few whom an +elaborate attire does not injure; a simple dress, or a +rose-bud in the hair, is frequently all that is required; +and more only spoils that combination of youthfulness, +grace, and modesty, which it should be the highest +ambition of the girl to attain; because, if she did +but know it, it is her highest charm. Instead of this, +however, we see gay females, scarcely freed from the +nursery, wearing enormous jeweled ear-drops, or sporting +on the finger, a diamond ring as large as a sixpence. +Sometimes, too, ladies pretending to be well-bred, descend +to receive a morning visitor of their own sex, glittering +like a jeweler's case, with costly gems. In all +this, we repeat, there is neither refinement nor elegance, +but simply vulgar ostentation. Female dress has ceased +to be a means of beautifying the person or displaying +the wearer's taste, and has become instead, a mere brag +of the husband's or father's wealth.</p> + +<p>A knowledge of domestic duties is beyond all price to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_300" id="Pg_300">[300]</a></span> +a woman. Every one of the sex ought to know how to +sew, and knit, and mend, and cook, and superintend a +household. In every situation of life, high or low, this +sort of knowledge is of great advantage. There is no +necessity that the gaining of such information should interfere +with intellectual acquirement or even elegant accomplishment. +A well-regulated mind can find time to +attend to all. When a girl is nine or ten years old, she +should be accustomed to take some regular share in +household duties, and to feel responsible for the manner +in which her part is performed—such as her own mending, +washing the cups and putting them in place, cleaning +silver, or dusting and arranging the parlor. This +should not be done occasionally, and neglected whenever +she finds it convenient—she should consider it her department. +When older than twelve, girls should begin +to take turns in superintending the household—making +puddings, pies, cakes, &c. To learn effectually, they +should actually do these themselves, and not stand by +and see others do them. Many a husband has been ruined +for want of these domestic qualities in a wife—and +many a husband has been saved from ruin by his wife +being able to manage well the household concerns.</p> + +<p>It is a mark, not only of ill-breeding, but of positive +want of feeling and judgment, to speak disparagingly +of a physician to one of his patients. Many persons, +visiting an invalid friend, will exclaim loudly against +the treatment pursued, recommend a different doctor, +and add to the sufferings of the patient by their injudicious +remarks upon the medicines or practice used.</p> + +<p>It is too much the fashion, in conversation, to use exaggerated +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_301" id="Pg_301">[301]</a></span> +expressions which are opposed to <em>truth</em>, without +the person employing them being aware of it, from +the mere force of habit. Why need we say splendid for +pretty, magnificent for handsome, horrid for unpleasant, +immense for large, thousands, or myriads, for any number +more than two? This practice is pernicious, for the +effect is to deprive the person who is guilty of it, from +being believed, when she is in earnest. No one can trust +the testimony of an individual who, in common conversation, +is indifferent to the import, and regardless of the +value of words.</p> + +<p>Politeness is very essential to the right transaction +of that great business of woman's life, <em>shopping</em>. The +variety afforded by the shops of a city renders people +difficult to please; and the latitude they take in examining +and asking the price of goods, which they have no +thought of buying, is so trying to the patience of those +who attend upon them, that nothing but the most perfect +courtesy of demeanor can reconcile them to it. +Some persons behave, in shopping, as if no one had any +rights, or any feelings, but the purchasers; as if the +sellers of goods were mere automatons, put behind the +counter to do their bidding; they keep them waiting, +whilst they talk of other things, with a friend; they +call for various goods, ask the price, and try to cheapen +them, without any real intention of buying. A lady +who wants decision of character, after hesitating and +debating, till the poor trader's patience is almost exhausted, +will beg him to send the article to her house, +for her to examine it there; and, after giving him all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_302" id="Pg_302">[302]</a></span> +this trouble, she will refuse to purchase it, without any +scruple or apology. Some think they have a right to +exchange articles at the place where they were bought; +whereas that privilege should be asked as a favor, only +by a good customer,—and then but rarely.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_303" id="Pg_303">[303]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="RECEIPTS" id="RECEIPTS"></a>RECEIPTS.</h2> + +<p class="linkback"><a href="#CONTENTS">[To Contents]</a></p> + +<h3>FOR THE COMPLEXION.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cold Cream, 1.</span>—Take 2½ ounces of sweet oil of almonds, +3 drachms of white wax, and the same of spermaceti, +2½ ounces of rose-water, 1 drachm of oil of bergamot, +and 15 drops each of oil of lavender, and otto of +roses. Melt the wax and spermaceti in the oil of almonds, +by placing them together in a jar, which should +be plunged into boiling water. Heat a mortar (which +should, if possible, be <em>marble</em>) by pouring boiling water +into it, and letting it remain there until the mortar is +uniformly heated; the water is to be poured away, and +the mortar dried well. Pour the melted wax and spermaceti +into the warm mortar, and add rose-water gradually, +while the mixture is constantly stirred or whisked +with an egg-whisp, until the whole is cold, and, when +nearly finished, add the oils and otto of roses.</p> + +<p>In the absence of a mortar, a basin plunged into another +containing boiling water will answer the purpose.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cold Cream, 2.</span>—Take 10 drachms of spermaceti, 4<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_304" id="Pg_304">[304]</a></span> +drachms of white wax, half a pound of prepared lard, 15 +grains of subcarbonate of potash, 4 ounces of rose-water, +2 ounces of spirits of wine, and ten drops of otto of +roses.</p> + +<p>Proceed as above. Some persons prefer orange-flower-water +instead of rose-water, in which case use the same +proportions.</p> + +<p>Cold cream is a useful local application to hard and +dry parts of the skin, to abrasions and cracks. When +spread thickly upon rag, it is an excellent application to +blistered surfaces or burns, or may be used to protect exposed +parts from the influence of the sun.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Granulated Cold Cream.</span>—Take white wax and +spermaceti, of each one ounce; almond oil 3 ounces, otto +of rose, as much as you please. Dissolve the wax and +spermaceti in the almond oil, by means of heat, and +when a little cool, pour the mixture into a large wedgwood +mortar previously warmed, and containing about a +pint of warm water. Stir briskly until the cream is well +divided, add the otto, and <em>suddenly</em> pour the whole into +a clean vessel containing 8 or 12 pints of <em>cold water</em>. +Separate the cream by straining through muslin, and +shake out as much water as possible.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">White Camphorated Ointment, 1.</span>—Take 3 ounces +2 drachms of powdered carbonate of lead (cerussa), 45 +grains of powdered camphor. Mix, and then stir into 5 +ounces of melted lard.</p> + +<p>This is applied to burns and contusions with very good +effect, and is much used in Austria. The surface must +not be abraded when it is applied.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">White Camphorated Ointment, 2.</span>—Take 4 ounces<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_305" id="Pg_305">[305]</a></span> +of olive oil, 1 ounce of white wax, 22 grains of camphor, +and 6 drachms of spermaceti. Melt the wax and spermaceti +with the oil, and when they have cooled rub the +ointment with the camphor, dissolved in a little oil. +Sometimes the white wax is omitted, and lard substituted +for it.</p> + +<p>It is useful in chaps, fissures, abrasions, and roughness +of the skin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pitch Pomade, 1.</span>—Take 1 drachm of pitch, and 1 +ounce of lard. Mix well, and apply twice a day to the +affected parts.</p> + +<p>This is used for ringworm, and scald head.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To soften the Skin, and improve the Complexion.</span>—If +flowers of sulphur be mixed in a little milk, and, +after standing an hour or two, the milk (without disturbing +the sulphur) be rubbed into the skin, it will keep it +soft, and make the complexion clear. It is to be used +before washing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To remove Black Stains from the Skin.</span>—Ladies +that wear mourning in warm weather are much incommoded +by the blackness it leaves on the arms and neck, +and which cannot easily be removed, even by soap and +warm water. To have a remedy always at hand, keep, +in the drawer of your wash-stand, a box, containing a +mixture in equal portions of cream of tartar, and oxalic +acid (<span class="smcapuc">POISON</span>). Get, at a druggist's, half an ounce +of each of these articles, and have them mixed and +pounded together in a mortar. Put some of this mixture +into a cup that has a cover, and if, afterwards, it +becomes hard, you may keep it slightly moistened with +water. See that it is always closely covered. To use<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_306" id="Pg_306">[306]</a></span> +it, wet the black stains on your skin with the corner of a +towel, dipped in water (warm water is best, but is not always +at hand). Then, with your finger, rub on a little +of the mixture. Then <em>immediately</em> wash it off with +water, and afterwards with soap and water, and the black +stains will be visible no longer. This mixture will also +remove ink, and all other stains from the fingers, and +from <em>white</em> clothes. It is more speedy in its effects if +applied with warm water. No family should be without +it, but care must be taken to keep it out of the way of +young children, as, if swallowed, it is poisonous.</p> + +<h3>PASTES.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Almond.</span>—Take 1 ounce of bitter almonds, blanch +and pound them to a fine powder, then add 1 ounce of +barley flour, and make it into a smooth paste by the addition +of a little honey. When this paste is laid over +the skin, particularly where there are freckles, it makes +it smooth and soft.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Palatine.</span>—Take 8 ounces of soft-soap, of olive oil, +and spirits of wine, each 4 ounces, 1½ ounce of lemon-juice, +sufficient silver-sand to form into a thick paste, +and any perfume that is grateful to the person. Boil +the oil and soap together in a pipkin, and then gradually +stir in the sand and lemon-juice. When nearly cool add +the spirit of wine, and lastly the perfume. Make into +a paste with the hands, and place in jars or pots for +use.</p> + +<p>This paste is used instead of soap, and is a valuable +addition to the toilette, as it preserves the skin from +chapping, and renders it smooth and soft.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_307" id="Pg_307">[307]</a></span> +<span class="smcap">American Cosmetic Powder.</span>—Calcined magnesia +applied the same as ordinary toilette powders, by means +of a swan's-down ball, usually called a "puff."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Maloine.</span>—Take 4 ounces of powdered marsh-mallow +roots, 2 ounces of powdered white starch, 3 drachms of +powdered orris-root, and 20 drops of essence of jasmine. +Mix well, and sift through fine muslin.</p> + +<p>This is one of the most agreeable and elegant cosmetics +yet known for softening and whitening the skin, preserving +it from chapping, and being so simple that it +may be applied to the most delicate or irritable skin.</p> + +<p>This receipt has never before been published, and we +know that only six bottles of it have been made.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Oxide of Zinc</span> is sprinkled into chaps and fissures to +promote their cure.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Yaoulta.</span>—Take 1 ounce of white starch, powdered +and sifted, ½ a drachm of rose pink, 10 drops of essence +of jasmine, and 2 drops of otto of roses. Mix and keep +in a fine muslin bag.</p> + +<p>This exquisite powder is to be dusted over the face, +and, being perfectly harmless, may be used as often as +necessity requires. It also imparts a delicate rosy tinge +to the skin preferable to rouge.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Crème de l'Enclos.</span>—Take 4 ounces of milk, 1 ounce +of lemon-juice, and 2 drachms of spirit of wine. Simmer +over a slow fire, and then bring it to the boil, skim +off the scum, and when cold apply it to the skin.</p> + +<p>It is much used by some persons to remove freckles +and sun-burnings.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_308" id="Pg_308">[308]</a></span></p> + +<h3>WASHES AND LOTIONS.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Milk of Roses, 1.</span>—Take 2 ounces of blanched almonds; +12 ounces of rose-water; white soft-soap, or Windsor +soap; white wax; and oil of almonds, of each 2 drachms; +rectified spirit, 3 ounces; oil of bergamot, 1 drachm; +oil of lavender, 15 drops; otto of roses, 8 drops. Beat +the almonds well, and then add the rose-water gradually +so as to form an emulsion, mix the soap, white wax, and +oil together, by placing them in a covered jar upon the +edge of the fire-place, then rub this mixture in a mortar +with the emulsion. Strain the whole through very fine +muslin, and add the essential oils, previously mixed with +the spirit.</p> + +<p>This is an excellent wash for "sunburns," freckles, or +for cooling the face and neck, or any part of the skin to +which it is applied.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Milk of Roses, 2.</span>—This is not quite so expensive a +receipt as the last; and, at the same time is not so good.</p> + +<p>Take 1 ounce of Jordan almonds; 5 ounces of distilled +rose-water; 1 ounce of spirit of wine; ½ a drachm +of Venetian soap, and 2 drops of otto of roses. Beat +the almonds (previously blanched and well dried with a +cloth) in a mortar, until they become a complete paste, +then beat the soap and mix with the almonds, and afterwards +add the rose-water and spirit. Strain through a +very fine muslin or linen, and add the otto of roses.</p> + +<p>The common milk of roses sold in the shops, frequently +contains salt of tartar, or pearlash, combined +with olive oil and rose-water, and therefore it is better +to make it yourself to ensure it being good.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_309" id="Pg_309">[309]</a></span> +<span class="smcap">French Milk of Roses.</span>—Mix 2½ pints of rose-water +with ½ a pint of rosemary-water, then add tincture of +storax and tincture of benzoin, of each 2 ounces; and +<i>esprit de rose</i>, ½ an ounce. This is a useful wash for +freckles.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">German Milk of Roses.</span>—Take of rose-water and +milk of almonds, each 3 ounces; water 8 ounces; rosemary-water +2 ounces; and spirit of lavender ½ an ounce. +Mix well, and then add ½ an ounce of sugar of lead.</p> + +<p>This is a dangerous form to leave about where there +are children, and should never be applied when there are +any abrasions, or chaps on the surface.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Milk of Almonds.</span>—Blanch 4 ounces of Jordan almonds, +dry them with a towel, and then pound them in +a mortar; add 2 drachms of white or curd soap, and rub +it up with the almonds for about ten minutes or rather +more, gradually adding one quart of rose-water, until +the whole is well mixed, then strain through a fine piece +of muslin, and bottle for use.</p> + +<p>This is an excellent remedy for freckles and sunburns, +and may be used as a general cosmetic, being applied to +the skin after washing by means of the corner of a soft +towel.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Anti-freckle Lotion, 1.</span>—Take tincture of benzoin, +2 ounces; tincture of tolu, 1 ounce; oil of rosemary, ½ +a drachm. Mix well and bottle. When required to be +used, add a teaspoonful of the mixture to about a wine-glassful +of water, and apply the lotion to the face or +hands, &c., night and morning, carefully rubbing it in +with a soft towel.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Anti-freckle Lotion, 2.</span>—Take 1 ounce of rectified<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_310" id="Pg_310">[310]</a></span> +spirit of wine; 1 drachm of hydrochloric acid (spirit of +salt); and 7 ounces of water. Mix the acid gradually +with the water, and then add the spirit of wine; apply +by means of a camel's-hair brush, or a piece of flannel.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Gowland's Lotion.</span>—Take 1½ grains of bichloride of +mercury, and 1 ounce of emulsion of bitter almonds; +mix well. Be careful of the bichloride of mercury, because +it is a poison.</p> + +<p>This is one of the best cosmetics for imparting a delicate +appearance and softness to the skin, and is a useful +lotion in acne, ringworm, hard and dry skin, and sun-blisterings.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cold Cream.</span>—Sweet almond oil, 7 lbs. by weight, +white wax, ¾ lb., spermaceti, ¾ lb., clarified mutton suet, +1 lb., rose-water, 7 pints, spirits of wine, 1 pint. Directions +to mix the above:—Place the oil, wax, spermaceti, +and suet in a large jar; cover it over tightly, then place +it in a saucepan of boiling water, (having previously +placed two or more pieces of fire-wood at the bottom of +the saucepan, to allow the water to get underneath the +jar, and to prevent its breaking) keep the water boiling +round the jar till all the ingredients are dissolved; take +it out of the water, and pour it into a large pan previously +warmed and capable of holding 21 pints; then, +with a wooden spatula, stir in the rose-water, cold, as +quickly as possible, (dividing it into three or four parts, +at most,) the stirring in of which should not occupy +above five minutes, as after a certain heat the water will +not mix. When all the water is in, stir unremittingly +for thirty minutes longer, to prevent its separating, then +add the spirits of wine, and the scent, and it is finished.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_311" id="Pg_311">[311]</a></span> +Keep it in a cold place, in a white glazed jar, and do +not cut it with a <em>steel</em> knife, as it causes blackness at the +parts of contact. Scent with otto of roses and essential +oil of bergamot to fancy. For smaller quantities, make +ounces instead of pounds.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Palm Soap.</span>—I make it in the following manner:—Cut +thin two pounds of yellow soap into a double saucepan, +occasionally stirring it till it is melted, which will +be in a few minutes if the water is kept boiling around +it; then add quarter of a pound of palm oil, quarter +of a pound of honey, three pennyworth of true oil +of cinnamon; let all boil together another six or eight +minutes; pour out and stand it by till next day; it is +then fit for immediate use. If made as these directions +it will be found to be a very superior soap.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cure for Chapped Hands.</span>—Take 3 drachms of +gum camphor, 3 drachms of white beeswax, 3 drachms +of spermaceti, 2 ounces of olive oil,—put them together +in a cup upon the stove, where they will melt slowly and +form a white ointment in a few minutes. If the hands +be affected, anoint them on going to bed, and put on a +pair of gloves. A day or two will suffice to heal them.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Whiten the Nails.</span>—Diluted sulphuric acid, 2 +drachms; tincture of myrrh, 1 drachm; spring water, 4 +ounces. Mix. First cleanse with white soap, and then +dip the fingers into the mixture.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Whiten the Hands.</span>—Take a wine-glassful of +eau de Cologne, and another of lemon-juice; then scrape +two cakes of brown Windsor soap to a powder, and mix +well in a mould. When hard, it will be an excellent +soap for whitening the hands.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_312" id="Pg_312">[312]</a></span></p> + +<h3>FOR THE TEETH.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">To remove Tartar from the Teeth.</span>—1st. The use +of the tooth-brush night and morning, and, at least, +rinsing the mouth after every meal at which animal food +is taken. 2nd. Once daily run the brush lightly two or +three times over soap, then dip it in salt, and with it +clean the teeth, working the brush up and down rather +than—or as well as—backwards and forwards. This is +a cheap, safe, and effectual dentrifice. 3rd. Eat freely +of common cress, the sort used with mustard, under the +name of small salad; it must be eaten with salt only. +If thus used two or three days in succession it will effectually +loosen tartar, even of long standing. The +same effect is produced, though perhaps not in an equal +degree, by eating strawberries and raspberries, especially +the former. A leaf of common green sage rubbed on +the teeth is useful both in cleansing and polishing, and +probably many other common vegetable productions also.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Care of the Teeth.</span>—The water with which the teeth +are cleansed should be what is called lukewarm. They +should be well but gently brushed both night and morning; +the brush should be neither too hard nor too soft. +The best tooth-powders are made from cuttle-fish, prepared +chalk, and orris-root commingled together in equal +quantities.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Simple means of removing Tartar from the +Teeth.</span>—In these summer months, tartar may be effectually +removed from the teeth, by partaking daily of +strawberries.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Tooth Powder.</span>—Powdered orris-root, ½ an ounce;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_313" id="Pg_313">[313]</a></span> +powdered charcoal, 2 ounces, powdered Peruvian bark, +1 ounce; prepared chalk, ½ an ounce; oil of bergamot, +or lavender, 20 drops. These ingredients must be well +worked up in a mortar, until thoroughly incorporated. +This celebrated tooth-powder possesses three essential +virtues, giving an odorous breath, cleansing and purifying +the gums, and preserving the enamel; the last rarely +found in popular tooth-powders.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Tooth-Powder.</span>—One of the best tooth-powders that +can be used may be made by mixing together 1½ ounces +prepared chalk, ½ ounce powder of bark, and ¼ ounce of +camphor.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A cheap but good Tooth-Powder.</span>—Cut a slice of +bread as thick as may be, into squares, and burn in the +fire until it becomes charcoal, after which pound in a +mortar, and sift through a fine muslin; it is then ready +for use.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cheap and invaluable Dentifrice.</span>—Dissolve 2 +ounces of borax in three pints of water; before quite +cold, add thereto one tea-spoonful of tincture of myrh, +and one table-spoonful of spirits of camphor; bottle the +mixture for use. One wine-glass of the solution, added +to half a pint of tepid water, is sufficient for each application. +This solution, applied daily, preserves and +beautifies the teeth, extirpates all tartarous adhesion, +produces a pearl-like whiteness, arrests decay, and induces +a healthy action in the gums.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Invaluable Dentifrice.</span>—Dissolve two ounces of +borax in three pints of boiling water; before quite cold, +add one tea-spoonful of tincture of myrrh, and one table-spoonful +of spirits of camphor; bottle the mixture for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_314" id="Pg_314">[314]</a></span> +use. One wine-glassful of this solution, added to half a +pint of tepid water, is sufficient for each application.</p> + +<h3>FOR THE HAIR.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Loss of Hair.</span>—The most simple remedy for loss of +hair, is friction to the scalp of the head, using for the +purpose an old tooth-brush, or one of which the bristles +have been softened by soaking in boiling water. The +shape of the instrument adapts it to be inserted readily +and effectually between the hair, where it should be +rubbed backwards and forwards over the space of an +inch or so at a time. In addition to the friction, which +should be used once or twice a day, the head may be +showered once a day with cold water, carefully drying it +with soft, spongy towels.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pomatum.</span>—Take of white mutton suet 4 pounds, +well boiled in hot water, (3 quarts,) and washed to free +it from salt. Melt the suet, when dried, with 1½ pounds +of fresh lard, and 2 pounds of yellow wax. Pour into +an earthen vessel, and stir till it is cold; then beat into +it 30 drops of oil of cloves, or any other essential oil +whose scent you prefer. If this kind of pomatum is too +hard, use less wax.</p> + +<p>At times numbers of loose hairs come away in the +brushing or combing. Such cases as these will generally +be found remedial. Wilson recommends women with +short hair to dip their heads into cold water every morning, +and afterwards apply the brush until a glow of +warmth is felt all over the scalp. Those who have long +hair are to brush it till the skin beneath becomes red, +when a lotion is to be applied, as here specified.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_315" id="Pg_315">[315]</a></span></p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe for Hair Lotion"> +<tr><td>Eau de Cologne</td> <td class="p-l2">2 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Tincture of Cantharides</td> <td class="p-l2">½ oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Oil of Nutmegs</td> <td class="p-l2">½ drachm.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Oil of Lavender</td> <td class="p-l2">10 drops.</td></tr> +</table> + +<p class="center">To be well mixed together.</p> + +<p>Another is composed of:—</p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Another Recipe for Hair Lotion"> +<tr><td>Mezereon bark in small pieces</td> <td class="p-l2">1 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Horse-Radish root in small pieces</td> <td class="p-l2">1 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Boiling distilled Vinegar</td> <td class="p-l2">½ pint.</td></tr> +</table> + +<p class="center">Let this infusion stand for a week, and then strain through +muslin for use.</p> + +<p>If irritating to the skin, these lotions can be made +weaker, or less frequently applied than might otherwise +be necessary. Either of them, or distilled vinegar alone, +may be rubbed into a bald patch with a tooth-brush. +The same lotions may also be used if the hair is disposed +to become gray too early; as they invigorate the apparatus +situated beneath the skin, and enable it to take up +coloring matter. Dyeing of the hair is a practice which +ought never to be resorted to. Those who are unwilling or +unable to discontinue the practice of applying some kind +of dressing to the hair, should, at least, content themselves +with a simple, yet good material. The best olive +oil is most suitable for the purpose, scented with otto of +roses or bergamot; the latter, as many persons know, is +the essence of a species of mint. The same scents may +also be used for pomatum, which should be made of perfectly +pure lard, or marrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hair Oils</span>, &c.—When used moderately, oils, ointments, +&c., tend to strengthen the hair, especially when +it is naturally dry. When used in excess, however, they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_316" id="Pg_316">[316]</a></span> +clog the pores, prevent the escape of the natural secretions, +and cause the hair to wither and fall off. The varieties +of "oils," "Greases," "ointments," rivaling each-other +in their high sounding pretensions, which are daily +imposed upon public credulity, are interminable. We +add one or two of the most simple.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">For Thickening the Hair.</span>—To one ounce of Palma +Christi oil, add a sufficient quantity of bergamot or lavender +to scent it. Apply it to the parts where it is most +needed, brushing it well into the hair.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">An Ointment for the Hair.</span>—Mix two ounces of +bear's grease, half an ounce of honey, one drachm of +laudanum, three drachms of the powder of southernwood, +three drachms of the balsam of Peru, one and a half +drachms of the ashes of the roots of bulrushes, and a +small quantity of the oil of sweet almonds.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Macassar Oil.</span>—It is said to be compounded of the +following ingredients:—To three quarts of common oil, +add half-a-pint of spirits of wine, three ounces of cinnamon +powder, and two ounces of bergamot; heat the +whole in a large pipkin. On removing from the fire, add +three or four small pieces of alkanet root, and keep the +vessel closely covered for several hours. When cool, it +may be filtered through a funnel lined with filtering +paper.</p> + +<p>Whether oils are used or not, the hair ought night and +morning to be carefully and elaborately brushed. This +is one of the best preservatives of its beauty.</p> + +<p>The following is recommended as an excellent Hair +Oil:—Boil together half-a-pint of port wine, one pint +and a-half of sweet oil, and half-a-pound of green southernwood. +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_317" id="Pg_317">[317]</a></span> +Strain the mixture through a linen rag several +times; adding, at the last operation, two ounces of +bear's grease. If fresh southernwood is added each time +it passes through the linen, the composition will be improved.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pomade Victoria.</span>—This highly-praised and excellent +pomade is made in the following way—and if so +made, will be found to give a beautiful gloss and softness +to the hair:—Quarter of a-pound of honey and half-an-ounce +of bees' wax simmered together for a few minutes +and then strain. Add of oil of almonds, lavender, and +thyme, half-a-drachm each. Be sure to continue stirring +till quite cold, or the honey and wax will separate.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lemon Pomatum.</span>—Best lard, two pounds; suet, half-a-pound; +dissolve with a gentle heat, and mix them well +together. Then add four ounces of orange-flower water, +and four ounces of rose-water, and mix them well together +before adding, or they will separate. Having +done this, add a quarter of an ounce of essence of lemon; +half-a-drachm of musk, and half-a-drachm of oil of +thyme.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To color Pomatum.</span>—Yellow, by palm oil or annatto; +red, by alkanet root; and green, by guaiacum, or the +green leaves of parsley.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bandoline for the Hair, (a French Receipt).</span>—To +one quart of water put ½ ounce of quince pips, boil +it nearly an hour, stirring it well, strain it through a fine +muslin, let it stand twenty-four hours, and then add +fourteen drops of the essential oil of almonds. A dessert-spoonful +of brandy may be added, if required to +keep a long time.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_318" id="Pg_318">[318]</a></span> +<span class="smcap">Bandoline for the Hair.</span>—Take of castor oil, two +ounces; spermaceti, one drachm; oil of bergamot, one +drachm; mix with heat and strain; then beat in six +drops otto of roses. If wished colored, add half-a-drachm +of annatto.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Another.</span>—I furnish you with an excellent form of +Bandoline, much more quickly made than others. Have +a small packet of powdered gum dragon by you, and +when you require any fresh bandoline, take a tea-spoonful +of the powder, and pour enough of boiling water on +it to make a small bottle full. Scent with otto of roses.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Curling Fluid.</span>—Place two pounds of common soap, +cut small, into three pints of spirits of wine, with eight +ounces of potash, and melt the whole, stirring it with a +clean piece of wood. Add, on cooling, essence of amber, +vanilla, and neroli, of each quarter of an ounce. The +best method of keeping <em>ringlets</em> in curl, is the occasional +application of the yolk of an egg, and the hair, afterwards, +well washed in lukewarm water. Apply the egg +with a tooth or hair-brush.</p> + +<h3>FOR THE LIPS.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Very excellent Lip-Salve.</span>—Take four ounces of +butter, fresh from the churn, cut it small, put it into +a jar, cover it with good rose-water, and let it remain +for four or five days; then drain it well, and put it into +a small and very clean saucepan, with one ounce of +spermaceti, and one of yellow beeswax sliced thin, a +quarter of an ounce of bruised alkanet root, two drachms +of gum benzoin, and one of storax, beaten to powder, +half an ounce of loaf sugar, and the strained juice of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_319" id="Pg_319">[319]</a></span> +moderate sized lemon. Simmer these gently, keeping +them stirred all the time, until the mixture looks very +clear, and sends forth a fine aromatic odour; then strain +it through a thin doubled muslin, and stir to it from +twelve to twenty drops of essential oil of roses, and pour +it into small gallipots, from which it can easily be turned +out when cold, and then be rubbed against the lips, +which is the most pleasant way of using it, as it is much +firmer than common lip-salve, and will be found more +healing and infinitely more agreeable. When butter +cannot be had direct from the churn, any which is quite +fresh may be substituted for it, after the salt has been +well washed and soaked out of it, by working it with a +strong spoon in cold water, in which it should remain for +a couple of days or more, the water being frequently +changed during the time.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Rose Lip-Salve.</span>—8 ounces sweet almond oil, 4 +ounces prepared mutton suet, 1½ ounces white wax, 2 +ounces spermaceti, 20 drops otto; steep a small quantity +of alkanet root in the oil, and strain before using. Melt +the suet, wax, and spermaceti together, then add the coloric +oil and otto.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lip-Salves.</span>—A good lip-salve may be made as follows:—Take +an ounce of the oil of sweet almonds, cold +drawn; a drachm of fresh mutton suet; and a little +bruised alkanet root: and simmer the whole together in +an earthen pipkin. Instead of the oil of sweet almonds +you may use oil of Jasmin, or oil of any other flower, +if you intend the lip-salve to have a fragrant odour.—2. +Take a pound of fresh butter; a quarter of a pound of +beeswax; four or five ounces of cleansed black grapes,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_320" id="Pg_320">[320]</a></span> +and about an ounce of bruised alkanet root. Simmer +them together over a slow fire till the wax is wholly dissolved, +and the mixture becomes of a bright red color; +strain, and put it by for use. 3. Oil of almonds, +spermaceti, white wax, and white sugar-candy, equal +parts, form a good white lip-salve.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Superior Lip-Salve.</span>—White wax, two and a half +ounces; spermaceti, three quarters of an ounce; oil of +almonds, four ounces. Mix well together, and apply a +little to the lips at night.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Another.</span>—A desert spoonful of salad oil in a saucer, +hold it over a candle, and drop melted wax over it till +the oil is thinly covered, when they are incorporated, +pour it into boxes.—(Wax taper will do.)</p> + +<h3>FOR CORNS.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cure for Corns.</span>—Place the feet for half an hour, +two or three nights successively, in a pretty strong solution +of common soda. The alkali dissolves the indurated +cuticle, and the corn falls out spontaneously, leaving a +small excavation, which soon fills up.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To remove Corns.</span>—Get four ounces of white diachylon +plaster, four ounces of shoemaker's wax, and sixty +drops of muriatic acid or spirits of salt. Boil them for +a few minutes in an earthen pipkin, and when cold, roll +the mass between the hands and apply a little on a piece +of white leather.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain Cure for Soft Corns.</span>—Dip a piece of +soft linen rag in turpentine, and wrap it round the toe +on which the soft corn is, night and morning; in a few<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_321" id="Pg_321">[321]</a></span> +days the corn will disappear; but the relief is instantaneous.</p> + +<h3>PERFUMES.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">To make Eau de Cologne.</span>—Rectified spirits of wine, +four pints; oil of bergamot, one ounce; oil of lemon, +half an ounce; oil of rosemary, half a drachm; oil of +Neroli, three quarters of a drachm; oil of English lavender, +one drachm; oil of oranges, one drachm. Mix +well and then filter. If these proportions are too large, +smaller ones may be used.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Eau de Cologne.</span>—Oil of neroli, citron, bergamot, +orange, and rosemary, of each twelve drops; cardamom +seeds, one drachm; spirits of wine, one pint. Let it +stand for a week.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lavender Water.</span>—Oil of lavender, 2 drachms; oil +of bergamot, ½ drachm; essence of musk, 1 drachm; +spirits of wine, 13 ounces; water, 5 ounces. Let it +stand for a week.</p> + +<h3>FOR KEEPING THE WARDROBE IN ORDER.</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean Kid Gloves.</span>—Make a strong lather with +curd soap and warm water, in which steep a small piece +of new flannel. Place the glove on a flat, clean, and +unyielding surface—such as the bottom of a dish, and +having thoroughly soaped the flannel (when squeezed +from the lather), rub the kid till all dirt be removed, +cleaning and resoaping the flannel from time to time. +Care must be taken to omit no part of the glove, by +turning the fingers, &c. The gloves must be dried in +the sun, or before a moderate fire, and will present the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_322" id="Pg_322">[322]</a></span> +appearance of old parchment. When quite dry, they +must be gradually "pulled out," and will look new.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Another.</span>—First see that your hands are clean, then +put on the gloves and wash them, as though you were +washing your hands, in a basin of spirits of turpentine, +until quite clean; then hang them up in a warm place, +or where there is a good current of air, which will carry +off all smell of the turpentine. This method was brought +from Paris, and thousands of dollars have been made by +it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean Colored Kid Gloves.</span>—Have ready on a +table a clean towel, folded three or four times, a saucer +of new milk, and another saucer with a piece of brown +soap. Take one glove at a time, and spread it smoothly +on the folded towel. Then dip in the milk a piece of +clean flannel, rub it on the soap till you get off a tolerable +quantity, and then, with the wet flannel, commence +rubbing the glove. Begin at the wrist, and rub lengthways +towards the end of the fingers, holding the glove +firmly in your right-hand. Continue this process until +the glove is well cleaned all over with the milk and soap. +When done, spread them out, and pin them on a line to +dry gradually. When nearly dry, pull them out evenly, +the crossway of the leather. When quite dry, stretch +them on your hands. White kid gloves may also be +washed in this manner, provided they have never been +cleaned with India-rubber.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean White or Colored Kid Gloves.</span>—Put +the glove on your hand, then take a small piece of flannel, +dip it in camphene, and well, but gently, rub it over +the glove, <em>taking care not to make it too wet</em>, when the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_323" id="Pg_323">[323]</a></span> +dirt is removed, dip the flannel (or another piece if that +is become too dirty) into pipe-clay and rub it over the +glove; take it off, and hang it up in a room to dry, and +in a day or two very little smell will remain; and if +done carefully they will be almost as good as new. In +colored ones, if yellow, use gamboge after the pipe-clay, +and for other colors match it in dry paint.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean White Kid Gloves.</span>—Stretch the gloves +on a clean board, and rub all the soiled or grease-spots +with cream of tartar or magnesia. Let them rest an +hour. Then have ready a mixture of alum and Fuller's +earth (both powdered), and rub it all over the gloves +with a brush (a clean tooth-brush or something similar), +and let them rest for an hour or two. Then sweep it all +off, and go over them with a flannel dipped in a mixture +of bran and finely powdered whiting. Let them rest another +hour; then brush off the powder, and you will find +them clean.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean Light Kid Gloves.</span>—Put on one glove, +and having made a strong lather with common brown +soap, apply it with a shaving brush, wiping it off immediately +with a clean towel, then blow into the glove, and +leave it to dry.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">An excellent Paste for Gloves.</span>—Liquor of ammonia +half an ounce, chloride of potash ten ounces, curd +soap one pound, water half a pint; dissolve the soap in +the water, with a gentle heat, then as the mixture cools, +stir in the other ingredients. Use it, by rubbing it over +the gloves until the dirt is removed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Wash Thread Lace.</span>—Rip off the lace, carefully +pick out the loose bits of thread, and roll the lace very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_324" id="Pg_324">[324]</a></span> +smoothly and securely round a clean black bottle, previously +covered with old white linen, sewed tightly on. +Tack each end of the lace with a needle and thread, to +keep it smooth; and be careful in wrapping not to crumple +or fold in any of the scallops or pearlings. After it is on +the bottle, take some of the <em>best</em> sweet oil and with a +clean sponge wet the lace thoroughly to the inmost folds. +Have ready in a wash-kettle, a strong <em>cold</em> lather of clear +water and white Castile soap. Fill the bottle with cold +water, to prevent its bursting, cork it well, and stand it +upright in the suds, with a string round the neck secured +to the ears or handle of the kettle, to prevent its knocking +about and breaking while over the fire. Let it boil +in the suds for an hour or more, till the lace is clean and +white all through. Drain off the suds, and dry it on the +bottle in the sun. When dry, remove the lace from the +bottle and roll it round a wide ribbon-block; or lay it +in long folds, place it within a sheet of smooth, white, +paper, and press it in a large book for a few days.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Wash a White Lace Veil.</span>—Put the veil into a +strong lather of white soap and very clear water, and +let it simmer slowly for a quarter of an hour. Take it +out and squeeze it well, but be sure not to rub it. Rinse +it in two cold waters, with a drop or two of liquid blue +in the last. Have ready some very clear and weak gum-arabic +water, or some thin starch, or rice-water. Pass +the veil through it, and clear it by clapping. Then +stretch it out even, and pin it to dry on a linen cloth, +making the edge as straight as possible, opening out all +the scallops, and fastening each with pins. When dry,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_325" id="Pg_325">[325]</a></span> +lay a piece of thin muslin smoothly over it, and iron it +on the wrong side.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Wash a Black Lace Veil.</span>—Mix bullock's gall +with sufficient hot water to make it as warm as you can +bear your hand in. Then pass the veil through it. It +must be squeezed, and not rubbed. It will be well to +perfume the gall with a little musk. Next rinse the veil +through two cold waters, tinging the last with indigo. +Then dry it. Have ready in a pan some stiffening made +by pouring boiling water on a very small piece of glue. +Pat the veil into it, squeeze it out, stretch it, and clap +it. Afterwards pin it out to dry on a linen cloth, making +it very straight and even, and taking care to open +and pin the edge very nicely. When dry, iron it on the +wrong side, having laid a linen cloth over the ironing-blanket. +Any article of black lace may be washed in +this manner.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean White Satin and Flowered Silks.</span>—1. +Mix sifted stale bread crumbs with powder blue, and rub +it thoroughly all over, then shake it well, and dust it +with clean, soft cloths. Afterwards, where there are any +gold or silver flowers, take a piece of crimson ingrain +velvet, rub the flowers with it, which will restore them to +their original lustre. 2. Pass them through a solution +of fine hard soap, at a hand heat, drawing them through +the hand. Rinse in lukewarm water, dry and finish by +pinning out. Brush the flossy or bright side with a +clean clothes-brush, the way of the nap. Finish them +by dipping a sponge into a size, made by boiling isinglass +in water, and rub the wrong side. Rinse out a +second time, and brush, and dry near a fire, or in a warm<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_326" id="Pg_326">[326]</a></span> +room. Silks may be treated in the same way, but not +brushed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean White Silk.</span>—Dissolve some of the best +curd soap in boiling water, and when the solution is as +hot as the hand can bear, pass the silk through it +thoroughly, handling it gently, not to injure the texture. +If there are any spots, these may be rubbed carefully +until they disappear. The article must then be rinsed +in lukewarm water.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Iron Silk.</span>—Silk cannot be ironed smoothly, so as +to press out all the creases, without first sprinkling it +with water, and rolling it up tightly in a towel, letting it +rest for an hour or two. If the iron is in the least too +hot, it will injure the color, and it should first be tried +on an old piece of the same silk.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Wash Silk.</span>—Half a pint of gin, four ounces of +soft soap, and two ounces of honey, well shaken; then +rub the silk, with a sponge (wetted with the above mixture), +upon a table, and wash through two waters, in +which first put two or three spoonfuls of ox gall, which +will brighten the colors, and prevent their running. The +silks should not be wrung, but well shaken and hung up +smoothly to dry, and mangled while damp. The writer +has had <em>green</em> silk dresses washed by this receipt, and +they have looked as well as new.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Renovate Black Silk.</span>—Slice some uncooked +potatoes, pour boiling water on them; when cold sponge +the right side of the silk with it, and iron on the wrong.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Keep Silk.</span>—Silk articles should not be kept +folded in white paper, as the chloride of lime used in +bleaching the paper will probably impair the color of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_327" id="Pg_327">[327]</a></span> +silk. Brown or blue paper is better—the yellowish +smooth India paper is best of all. Silk intended for a +dress should not be kept in the house long before it is +made up, as lying in the folds will have a tendency to +impair its durability by causing it to cut or split, particularly +if the silk has been thickened by gum. We knew +an instance of a very elegant and costly thread-lace veil +being found, on its arrival from France, cut into squares +(and therefore destroyed) by being folded over a pasteboard +card. A white satin dress should be pinned up in +blue paper, with coarse brown paper outside, sewed together +at the edges.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Restore Velvet.</span>—When velvet gets plushed +from pressure, holding the reverse side over a basin of +boiling water will raise the pile, and perhaps it may also +succeed in the case of wet from rain.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Iron Velvet.</span>—Having ripped the velvet apart, +damp each piece separately, and holding it tightly in +both hands, stretch it before the fire, the wrong side of +the velvet being towards the fire. This will remove the +creases, and give the surface of the material a fresh and +new appearance. Velvet cannot be ironed on a table, +for, when spread out on a hard substance, the iron will +not go smoothly over the pile.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean Ermine and Minivar Fur.</span>—Take a piece +of soft flannel, and rub the fur well with it (but remember +that the rubbing must be always against the grain); +then rub the fur with common flour until clean. Shake +it well, and rub again with the flannel till all the flour is +out of it. I have had a Minivar boa for four years. It +has never been cleaned with anything but flour, and is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_328" id="Pg_328">[328]</a></span> +not in the least injured by the rubbing. It was a school +companion who told me that her aunt (a Russian lady) +always cleaned her white furs with flour, and that they +looked quite beautiful. It has one advantage—the lining +does not require to be taken out, and it only requires a +little trouble. Ermine takes longer than Minivar. The +latter is very easily done.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Perfume Linen.</span>—Rose-leaves dried in the shade, +or at about four feet from a stove, one pound; cloves, +carraway-seeds, and allspice, of each one ounce; pound +in a mortar, or grind in a mill; dried salt, a quarter of +a pound; mix all these together, and put the compound +into little bags.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Restore Scorched Linen.</span>—Take two onions, +peel and slice them, and extract the juice by squeezing +or pounding. Then cut up half an ounce of white soap, +and two ounces of fuller's earth; mix with them the +onion juice, and half a pint of vinegar. Boil this composition +well, and spread it, when cool, over the scorched +part of the linen, leaving it to dry thereon. Afterwards +wash out the linen.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Whiten Linen that has turned Yellow.</span>—Cut +up a pound of fine white soap into a gallon of milk, and +hang it over the fire in a wash-kettle. When the soap +has entirely melted, put in the linen, and boil it half an +hour. Then take it out; have ready a lather of soap +and warm water; wash the linen in it, and then rinse it +through two cold waters, with a very little blue in the +last.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Wash China Crape Scarfs</span>, &c.—If the fabric +be good, these articles of dress can be washed as frequently +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_329" id="Pg_329">[329]</a></span> +as may be required, and no diminution of their +beauty will be discoverable, even when the various shades +of green have been employed among other colors in the +patterns. In cleaning them, make a strong lather of +boiling water—suffer it to cool; when cold, or nearly so, +wash the scarf quickly and thoroughly, dip it immediately +in cold hard water, in which a little salt has been +thrown (to preserve the colors), rinse, squeeze, and hang +it out to dry in the open air; pin it at its extreme edge +to the line, so that it may not in any part be folded +together; the more rapidly it dries, the clearer it will +be.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean Embroidery and Gold Lace.</span>—For this +purpose no alkaline liquors are to be used; for while +they clean the gold, they corrode the silk, and change +its color. Soap also alters the shade, and even the species +of certain colors. But spirit of wine may be used +without any danger of its injuring either color or quality; +and, in many cases, proves as effectual for restoring the +lustre of the gold as the corrosive detergents. But, +though spirits of wine is the most innocent material employed +for this purpose, it is not in all cases proper. +The golden covering may be in some parts worn off; or +the base metal with which it has been alloyed may be +corroded by the air, so as to leave the particles of the +gold disunited; while the silver underneath, tarnished to +a yellow hue, may continue a tolerable color to the whole, +so it is apparent that the removal of the tarnish would +be prejudicial, and make the lace or embroidery less like +gold than it was before. It is necessary that care should +be taken.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_330" id="Pg_330">[330]</a></span> +<span class="smcap">To Remove Stains of Wine or Fruit from Table +Linen.</span>—A wine stain may sometimes be removed by +rubbing it, while wet, with common salt. It is said, also, +that sherry wine poured immediately on a place where +port wine has been spilled, will prevent its leaving a +stain. A <em>certain</em> way of extracting fruit or wine stains +from table-linen is to tie up some cream of tartar in the +stained part (so as to form a sort of bag), and then to +put the linen into a lather of soap and cold water, and +boil it awhile. Then transfer it wet to a lukewarm suds, +wash and rinse it well, and dry and iron it. The stains +will disappear during the process. Another way, is to +mix, in equal quantities, soft soap, slackened lime, and +pearl-ash. Rub the stain with this preparation, and expose +the linen to the sun with the mixture plastered on +it. If necessary, repeat the application. As soon as +the stain has disappeared, wash out the linen immediately, +as it will be injured if the mixture is left in it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stain Mixture.</span>—Take an ounce of sal-ammoniac +(or hartshorn) and an ounce of salt of tartar—mix them +well, put them into a pint of soft water, and bottle it for +use, keeping it very tightly corked. Pour a little of +this liquid into a saucer, and wash in it those parts of a +white article that have been stained with ink, mildew, +fruit, or red wine. When the stains have, by this process, +been removed, wash the article in the usual manner.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Chemical Renovating Balls</span>—for taking out grease, +paint, pitch, tar, from silks, stuffs, linen, woolen, carpets, +hats, coats, &c., without fading the color or injuring +the cloth:—¼ ounce of fuller's earth, ¼ ounce of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_331" id="Pg_331">[331]</a></span> +pipe-clay, 1 ounce salt of tartar, 1 ounce beef gall, 1 +ounce spirits of wine. Pound the hard parts and mix +the ingredients well together. Wet the stain with cold +water, rub it well with this ball, then sponge it with a +wet sponge and the stain will disappear.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Prevent Colored Things from Running.</span>—Boil +¼ pound of soap till nearly dissolved, then add a small +piece of alum and boil with it. Wash the things in this +lather, but do not soap them. If they require a second +water put alum to that also as well as to the rinsing and +blue water. This will preserve them.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Remove Stains from Mourning Dresses.</span>—Take +a good handful of fig-leaves, and boil them in two quarts +of water until reduced to a pint. Squeeze the leaves +and put the liquor into a bottle for use. The articles, +whether of bombasin, crape, cloth, &c., need only be +rubbed with a sponge dipped in the liquor, when the effect +will be instantly produced. If any reason exists to +prevent the substance from being wetted, then apply +French chalk, which will absorb the grease from the +finest texture without injury.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Shrink New Flannel.</span>—New flannel should always +be shrunk or washed before it is made up, that it +may be cut out more accurately, and that the grease +which is used in manufacturing it may be extracted. +First, cut off the list along the selvage edges of the +whole piece. Then put it into warm (not boiling) water, +without soap. Begin at one end of the piece, and rub +it with both hands till you come to the other end; this +is to get out the grease and the blue with which new +white flannel is always tinged. Then do the same<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_332" id="Pg_332">[332]</a></span> +through another water. Rinse it through a clean, lukewarm +water; wring it lengthways, and stretch it well. +In hanging it out on a line do not suspend it in festoons, +but spread it along the line straight and lengthways. If +dried in festoons, the edges will be in great scollops, +making it very difficult to cut out. It must be dried in +the sun. When dry let it be stretched even, clapped +with the hands, and rolled up tight and smoothly, till +wanted.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Gum Arabic Starch.</span>—Get two ounces of fine, white +gum arabic, and pound it to powder. Next put it into +a pitcher, and pour on it a pint or more of boiling water +(according to the degree of strength you desire), and +then, having covered it, let it set all night. In the +morning, pour it carefully from the dregs into a clean +bottle, cork it, and keep it for use. A table-spoonful +of gum water stirred into a pint of starch that has been +made in the usual manner, will give to lawns (either +white or printed) a look of newness to which nothing +else can restore them after washing. It is also good +(much diluted) for thin white muslin and bobinet.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Wash White Thread Gloves and Stockings.</span>—These +articles are so delicate as to require great care in +washing, and they must not on any account be rubbed. +Make a lather of white soap and <em>cold</em> water, and put it +into a saucepan. Soap the gloves or stockings well, put +them in, and set the saucepan over the fire. When they +have come to a hard boil, take them off, and when cool +enough for your hand, squeeze them in the water. +Having prepared a fresh cold lather, boil them again in +that. Then take the pan off the fire, and squeeze them<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_333" id="Pg_333">[333]</a></span> +well again, after which they can be stretched, dried, and +then ironed on the wrong side.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean Silk Stockings.</span>—First wash the stockings +in the usual manner, to take out the rough dirt. +After rinsing them in clean water, wash them well in a +fresh soap liquor. Then make a third soap liquor, which +color with a little stone-blue; then wash the stockings +once more, take them out, wring them, and particularly +dry them. Now stove them with brimstone, and draw +on a wooden leg two stockings, one upon the other, observing +that the two fronts or outsides are face to face. +Polish with a glass bottle. The two first liquors should +be only lukewarm, but the third as hot as you can bear +your hand in. Blondes and gauzes may be whitened in +the same manner, but there should be a little gum put in +the last liquor before they are stoved.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Take out Mildew from Clothes.</span>—Mix some +soft soap with powdered starch, half as much salt, and +the juice of a lemon, lay it on the part with a brush, let +it be exposed in the air day and night, until the stain +disappears. Iron-moulds may be removed by the salt +of lemons. Many stains in linen may be taken out by +dipping linen in sour buttermilk, and then drying it in +the sun; afterwards wash it in cold water several times. +Stains caused by acids may be removed by tying some +pearlash up in the stained part; scrape some soap in +cold, soft water, and boil the linen till the stain is out.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bleaching Straw.</span>—Straw is bleached, and straw +bonnets cleaned, by putting them into a cask into +which a few brimstone matches are placed lighted. The +fumes of the sulphur have the effect of destroying the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_334" id="Pg_334">[334]</a></span> +color, or whitening the straw. The same effect may be +produced by dipping the straw into the chloride of lime +dissolved in water.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Wash Mouseline-de-Laine.</span>—Boil a pound of +rice in five quarts of water, and, when cool enough, wash +in this, using the rice for soap. Have another quantity +ready, but strain the rice from this and use it with warm +water, keeping the rice strained off for a third washing +which, at the same time, stiffens and also brightens the +colors.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Bleach a Faded Dress.</span>—Wash the dress in hot +suds, and boil it until the color appears to be gone; then +rinse it and dry it in the sun. Should it not be rendered +white by these means, lay the dress in the open air, and +bleach it for several days. If still not quite white, repeat +the boiling.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Indelible Marking Ink, without Preparation.</span>—1½ +drachms nitrate of silver (lunar caustic), 1 ounce distilled +water, ½ ounce strong mucilage of gum arabic, ¾ +drachm liquid ammonia; mix the above in a clean glass +bottle, cork tightly, and keep in a dark place till dissolved, +and ever afterwards. Directions for use:—Shake +the bottle, then dip a clean quill pen in the ink, and +write or draw what you require on the article; immediately +hold it close to the fire, (without scorching) or pass +a hot iron over it, and it will become a deep and indelible +black, indestructible by either time or acids of any +description.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mixture for Removing Ink Stains and Iron-Moulds.</span>—Cream +of tartar and salts of sorrel, one +ounce each; mix well, and keep in a stoppered bottle.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_335" id="Pg_335">[335]</a></span> +<span class="smcap">To Wash Hair-Brushes.</span>—Never use soap. Take a +piece of soda, dissolve it in warm water, stand the brush +in it, taking care that the water only covers the bristles; +it will almost immediately become white and clean; +stand it to dry in the open air with the bristles downwards, +and it will be found to be as firm as a new brush.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Clean Head and Clothes-Brushes.</span>—Put a +table-spoonful of pearl-ash into a pint of boiling water. +Having fastened a bit of sponge to the end of a stick, +dip it into the solution, and wash the brush with it; +carefully going in among the bristles. Next pour over +it some clean hot water, and let it lie a little while. +Then drain it, wipe it with a cloth, and dry it before the +fire.</p> + +<p>Lola Montez in her "Arts of Beauty" gives the following +receipts for complexion, hair, &c:—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">For the Complexion.</span>—"Infuse wheat-bran, well +sifted, for four hours in white wine vinegar, add to it five +yolks of eggs and two grains of ambergris, and distill +the whole. It should be carefully corked for twelve or +fifteen days, when it will be fit for use.</p> + +<p>"Distill two handfuls of jessamine flowers in a quart +of rose-water and a quart of orange-water. Strain +through porous paper, and add a scruple of musk and a +scruple of ambergris."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To give Elasticity of Form.</span>—</p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe for Skin Cream"> +<tr><td>"Fat of the stag or deer</td> <td class="p-l2">8 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Florence oil (or olive oil)</td> <td class="p-l2">6 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Virgin wax</td> <td class="p-l2">3 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Musk</td> <td class="p-l2">1 grain.</td></tr> +<tr><td>White brandy</td> <td class="p-l2">½ pint.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Rose-water</td> <td class="p-l2">4 oz.</td></tr> +</table> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_336" id="Pg_336">[336]</a></span> +"Put the fat, oil, and wax into a well glazed earthen +vessel, and let them simmer over a slow fire until they +are assimilated; then pour in the other ingredients, and +let the whole gradually cool, when it will be fit for use. +There is no doubt but that this mixture, frequently and +thoroughly rubbed upon the body on going to bed, will +impart a remarkable degree of elasticity to the muscles. +In the morning, after this preparation has been used, +the body should be thoroughly wiped with a sponge, +dampened with cold water."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">For the Complexion.</span>—"Take equal parts of the +seeds of the melon, pumpkin, gourd, and cucumber, +pounded till they are reduced to powder; add to it sufficient +fresh cream to dilute the flour, and then add milk +enough to reduce the whole to a thin paste. Add a +grain of musk, and a few drops of the oil of lemon. +Anoint the face with this, leave it on twenty or thirty +minutes, or overnight if convenient, and wash off with +warm water. It gives a remarkable purity and brightness +to the complexion.</p> + +<p>"Infuse a handful of well sifted wheat bran for four +hours in white wine vinegar; add to it five yolks of eggs +and two grains of musk, and distill the whole. Bottle +it, keep carefully corked fifteen days, when it will be fit +for use. Apply it over night, and wash in the morning +with tepid water."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Tooth-Powder.</span>—</p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe for Tooth Powder"> +<tr><td>"Prepared chalk</td> <td class="p-l2">6 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Cassia powder</td> <td class="p-l2">½ oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Orris-root</td> <td class="p-l2">1 oz.</td></tr> +</table> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_337" id="Pg_337">[337]</a></span> +"These should be thoroughly mixed and used once a +day with a firm brush.</p> + +<p>"A simple mixture of charcoal and cream of tartar is +an excellent tooth-powder."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Whiten the Hand.</span>—"Both Spanish and French +women—those, at least, who are very particular to make +the most of these charms—are in the habit of sleeping +in gloves which are lined or plastered over with a kind +of pomade to improve the delicacy and complexion of +their hands. This paste is generally made of the following +ingredients:—</p> + +<p>"Take half a pound of soft soap, a gill of salad oil, +an ounce of mutton tallow, and boil them till they are +thoroughly mixed. After the boiling has ceased, but +before it is cold, add one gill of spirits of wine, and a +grain of musk.</p> + +<p>"If any lady wishes to try this, she can buy a pair of +gloves three or four sizes larger than the hand, rip them +open and spread on a thin layer of the paste, and then +sew the gloves up again. There is no doubt that by +wearing them every night they will give smoothness and +a fine complexion to the hands. Those who have the +means, can send to Paris and purchase them ready +made.</p> + +<p>"If the hands are inclined to be rough and to chap, +the following wash will remedy the evil.</p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe for Treatment for Chapped Hands"> +<tr><td>Lemon-juice</td> <td class="p-l2">3 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>White wine vinegar</td> <td class="p-l2">3 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>White brandy</td> <td class="p-l2">½ pint."</td></tr> +</table> + +<p><span class="smcap">For the Hair.</span>—"Beat up the white of four eggs +into a froth, and rub that thoroughly in close to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_338" id="Pg_338">[338]</a></span> +roots of the hair. Leave it to dry on. Then wash the +head and hair clean with a mixture of equal parts of rum +and rose-water."</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Honey-Water.</span>—</p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe for Honey Water"> +<tr><td>"Essence of ambergris</td> <td class="p-l2">1 dr.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Essence of musk</td> <td class="p-l2">1 dr.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Essence of bergamot</td> <td class="p-l2">2 drs.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Oil of cloves</td> <td class="p-l1">15 drops.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Orange-flower water</td> <td class="p-l2">4 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Spirits of wine</td> <td class="p-l2">5 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Distilled water</td> <td class="p-l2">4 oz.</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>"All these ingredients should be mixed together, and +left about fourteen days, then the whole to be filtered +through porous paper, and bottled for use.</p> + +<p>"This is a good hair-wash and an excellent perfume."</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">To Remove Pimples.</span>—There are many kinds of +pimples, some of which partake almost of the nature of +ulcers, which require medical treatment; but the small +red pimple, which is most common, may be removed by +applying the following twice a-day:—</p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe for Pimple Treatment"> +<tr><td>"Sulphur water</td> <td class="p-l2">1 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Acetated liquor of ammonia</td> <td class="p-l2">¼ oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Liquor of potassa</td> <td class="p-l2">1 gr.</td></tr> +<tr><td>White wine vinegar</td> <td class="p-l2">2 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Distilled water</td> <td class="p-l2">2 oz."</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">To Remove Black Specks or 'Fleshworms.'</span>—Sometimes +little black specks appear about the base of +the nose, or on the forehead, or in the hollow of the chin +which are called 'fleshworms,' and are occasioned by coagulated +lymph that obstructs the pores of the skin.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_339" id="Pg_339">[339]</a></span> +They may be squeezed out by pressing the skin, and ignorant +persons suppose them to be little worms. They +are permanently removed by washing with warm water, +and severe friction with a towel, and then applying a little +of the following preparation:—</p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe for Black Speck Treatment"> +<tr><td>"Liquor of potassa</td> <td class="p-l2">1 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Cologne</td> <td class="p-l2">2 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>White brandy.</td> <td class="p-l2">4 oz.</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>"The warm water and friction alone are sometimes +sufficient."</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">To Remove Freckles.</span>—The most celebrated compound +ever used for the removal of freckles was called +Unction de Maintenon, after the celebrated Madame de +Maintenon, mistress and wife of Louis XIV. It is made +as follows:—</p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe to Remove Freckles"> +<tr><td>"Venice soap</td> <td class="p-l2">1 oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Lemon-juice</td> <td class="p-l2">½ oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Oil of bitter almonds</td> <td class="p-l2">¼ oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Deliquidated oil of tartar</td> <td class="p-l2">¼ oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Oil of rhodium</td> <td class="p-l2">3 drops</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>"First dissolve the soap in the lemon-juice, then add +the two oils, and place the whole in the sun till it acquires +the consistence of ointment, and then add the oil +of rhodium. Anoint the freckly face at night with this +unction, and wash in the morning with pure water, or, +if convenient, with a mixture of elder-flower and rose-water.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">To Remove Tan.</span>—An excellent wash to remove +tan is called Crème de l'Enclos, and is made thus:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Pg_340" id="Pg_340">[340]</a></span></p> + +<table cellspacing="2" summary="Recipe to Remove Tan"> +<tr><td>"New milk</td> <td class="p-l2">½ pint.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Lemon-juice</td> <td class="p-l2">¼ oz.</td></tr> +<tr><td>White brandy</td> <td class="p-l2">½ oz.</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>"Boil the whole, and skim it clear from all scum. +Use it night and morning.</p> + +<p>"A famous preparation with the Spanish ladies for removing +the effects of the sun and making the complexion +bright, is composed simply of equal parts of lemon-juice +and the white of eggs. The whole is beat together in a +varnished earthen pot, and set over a slow fire, and +stirred with a wooden spoon till it acquires the consistence +of soft pomatum. This compound is called Pommade +de Seville. If the face is well washed with rice-water +before it is applied, it will remove freckles, and +give a fine lustre to the complexion."</p> + +<div id="footnotes"> +<h2>Footnotes:</h2> + +<div class="footnote"><p><span class="fnlabel"><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1">[A]</a></span> For further particulars, see chapter on <a href="#CHPTR_XXIV">Bridal Etiquette</a>.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><span class="fnlabel"><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2">[B]</a></span> "The Sick-Room," by Dr. A. T. Thomson.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><span class="fnlabel"><a name="Footnote_C_3" id="Footnote_C_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_C_3">[C]</a></span> Dr. Combe.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><span class="fnlabel"><a name="Footnote_D_4" id="Footnote_D_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_D_4">[D]</a></span> Dr. Combe.</p></div> +</div> + +<div id="tn"> +<h2>Transcriber's Note:</h2> + +<p>Minor punctuation errors (e.g. missing, misprinted or misplaced +punctuation) have been corrected without note. Inconsistent hyphenation +(e.g. ball room, ball-room; bon-bons, bonbons), spelling (e.g. +visiters, visitors) and capitalization (e.g. neroli, Neroli) have +not been corrected.</p> + +<p>Many of the "Receipts" are nearly identical. This has not been changed.</p> + +<p>The following changes were made to the text:</p> + +<div id="corr"> +<p><a href="#Pg_31">p. 31</a>: admissable to admissible (black lace mittens are admissible)</p> +<p>p. <a href="#Pg_44">44</a> and <a href="#Pg_45">45</a>: soiree to soirée</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_45">p. 45</a>: oclock to o'clock (Thursday evening next, at 8 o'clock)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_137">p. 137</a>: left to right (On the upper right hand corner of your envelope)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_160">p. 160</a>: violincello to violoncello (a piano, violin, and violoncello)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_203">p. 203</a>: á to à (<i>à troistemps</i>)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_204">p. 204</a>: missing "of" added (the most graceful of dances)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_214">p. 214</a>: guaze to gauze (with a gauze of a different color)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_221">p. 221</a>: kneedles to needles (needles should be of the smallest size)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_235">p. 235</a>: extra close quote removed (entered that house.)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_244">p. 244</a>: extra "the" removed (in the highest and lowest classes)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_260">p. 260</a>: returnes to returns (she returns from her bridal tour)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_278">p. 278</a>: double quotes to single quotes ('Appetite,' says Dr. +Combe, 'revives after repose.')</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_305">p. 305</a>: extra "a" removed (containing a mixture in equal portions)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_307">p. 307</a>: <span class="smcap">Créme</span> to <span class="smcap">Crème</span> +(<span class="smcap">Crème de l'Enclos.</span>)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_318">p. 318</a>: extra "of" removed (four ounces of butter)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_326">p. 326</a>: inpair to impair (impair the color)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_339">p. 339</a>: Crême to Crème (is called Crème de l'Enclos)</p> +<p><a href="#Pg_340">p. 340</a>: acquired to acquires (till it acquires)</p> +</div> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and +Manual of Politeness, by Florence Hartley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + +***** This file should be named 35123-h.htm or 35123-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/1/2/35123/ + +Produced by Julia Miller, S.D., and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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