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+Project Gutenberg's Wine, Water, and Song, by Gilbert Keith Chesterton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Wine, Water, and Song
+
+Author: Gilbert Keith Chesterton
+
+Release Date: January 29, 2011 [EBook #35115]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WINE, WATER, AND SONG ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jana Srna, Bryan Ness and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ [ Transcriber's Notes:
+
+ Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as
+ possible, including inconsistencies in spelling and hyphenation;
+ no changes have been made to the original text.
+
+ Italic text has been marked with _underscores_.
+ Bold italic text has been marked with =equals signs=.
+ ]
+
+
+
+
+WINE, WATER, AND SONG
+
+
+
+
+BY THE SAME AUTHOR
+
+
+ CHARLES DICKENS
+ THE BALLAD OF THE WHITE HORSE
+ THE FLYING INN
+ ALL THINGS CONSIDERED
+ TREMENDOUS TRIFLES
+ ALARMS AND DISCURSIONS
+ A MISCELLANY OF MEN
+
+
+
+
+ WINE, WATER
+ AND SONG
+
+ BY
+ G. K. CHESTERTON
+
+
+ THIRD EDITION
+
+
+ METHUEN & CO. LTD.
+ 36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
+ LONDON
+
+
+
+
+ First Published August 6th 1915
+ Second Edition August 10th 1915
+ Third Edition August 23rd 1915
+
+
+
+
+NOTE
+
+
+The Songs in this book are taken from "THE FLYING INN," with the
+exception of "The Good Rich Man" and "The Song of the Strange Ascetic,"
+which are here included by kind permission of the editor of =The New
+Witness=, where they originally appeared.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+ Page
+
+ The Englishman 9
+
+ Wine and Water 11
+
+ The Song against Grocers 15
+
+ The Rolling English Road 20
+
+ The Song of Quoodle 24
+
+ Pioneers, O Pioneers 27
+
+ The Logical Vegetarian 31
+
+ "The Saracen's Head" 34
+
+ The Good Rich Man 37
+
+ The Song against Songs 42
+
+ Me Heart 45
+
+ The Song of the Oak 49
+
+ The Road to Roundabout 53
+
+ The Song of the Strange Ascetic 57
+
+ The Song of Right and Wrong 60
+
+ Who Goes Home? 63
+
+
+
+
+WINE, WATER, AND SONG
+
+
+
+
+The Englishman
+
+
+ St. George he was for England,
+ And before he killed the dragon
+ He drank a pint of English ale
+ Out of an English flagon.
+ For though he fast right readily
+ In hair-shirt or in mail,
+ It isn't safe to give him cakes
+ Unless you give him ale.
+
+ St. George he was for England,
+ And right gallantly set free
+ The lady left for dragon's meat
+ And tied up to a tree;
+ But since he stood for England
+ And knew what England means,
+ Unless you give him bacon
+ You mustn't give him beans.
+
+ St. George he is for England,
+ And shall wear the shield he wore
+ When we go out in armour
+ With the battle-cross before.
+ But though he is jolly company
+ And very pleased to dine,
+ It isn't safe to give him nuts
+ Unless you give him wine.
+
+
+
+
+Wine and Water
+
+
+ Old Noah he had an ostrich farm and fowls on the largest scale,
+ He ate his egg with a ladle in an egg-cup big as a pail,
+ And the soup he took was Elephant Soup and the fish he took was Whale,
+ But they all were small to the cellar he took when he set out to sail,
+ And Noah he often said to his wife when he sat down to dine,
+ "I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't get into the wine."
+
+ The cataract of the cliff of heaven fell blinding off the brink
+ As if it would wash the stars away as suds go down a sink,
+ The seven heavens came roaring down for the throats of hell to drink,
+ And Noah he cocked his eye and said, "It looks like rain, I think,
+ The water has drowned the Matterhorn as deep as a Mendip mine,
+ But I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't get into the wine."
+
+ But Noah he sinned, and we have sinned; on tipsy feet we trod,
+ Till a great big black teetotaller was sent to us for a rod,
+ And you can't get wine at a P.S.A., or chapel, or Eisteddfod,
+ For the Curse of Water has come again because of the wrath of God,
+ And water is on the Bishop's board and the Higher Thinker's shrine,
+ But I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't get into the wine.
+
+
+
+
+The Song Against Grocers
+
+
+ God made the wicked Grocer
+ For a mystery and a sign,
+ That men might shun the awful shops
+ And go to inns to dine;
+ Where the bacon's on the rafter
+ And the wine is in the wood,
+ And God that made good laughter
+ Has seen that they are good.
+
+ The evil-hearted Grocer
+ Would call his mother "Ma'am,"
+ And bow at her and bob at her,
+ Her aged soul to damn,
+ And rub his horrid hands and ask
+ What article was next,
+ Though =mortis in articulo=
+ Should be her proper text.
+
+ His props are not his children,
+ But pert lads underpaid,
+ Who call out "Cash!" and bang about
+ To work his wicked trade;
+ He keeps a lady in a cage
+ Most cruelly all day,
+ And makes her count and calls her "Miss"
+ Until she fades away.
+
+ The righteous minds of innkeepers
+ Induce them now and then
+ To crack a bottle with a friend
+ Or treat unmoneyed men,
+ But who hath seen the Grocer
+ Treat housemaids to his teas
+ Or crack a bottle of fish-sauce
+ Or stand a man a cheese?
+
+ He sells us sands of Araby
+ As sugar for cash down;
+ He sweeps his shop and sells the dust
+ The purest salt in town,
+ He crams with cans of poisoned meat
+ Poor subjects of the King,
+ And when they die by thousands
+ Why, he laughs like anything.
+
+ The wicked Grocer groces
+ In spirits and in wine,
+ Not frankly and in fellowship
+ As men in inns do dine;
+ But packed with soap and sardines
+ And carried off by grooms,
+ For to be snatched by Duchesses
+ And drunk in dressing-rooms.
+
+ The hell-instructed Grocer
+ Has a temple made of tin,
+ And the ruin of good innkeepers
+ Is loudly urged therein;
+ But now the sands are running out
+ From sugar of a sort,
+ The Grocer trembles; for his time,
+ Just like his weight, is short.
+
+
+
+
+The Rolling English Road
+
+
+ Before the Roman came to Rye or out to Severn strode,
+ The rolling English drunkard made the rolling English road.
+ A reeling road, a rolling road, that rambles round the shire,
+ And after him the parson ran, the sexton and the squire;
+ A merry road, a mazy road, and such as we did tread
+ The night we went to Birmingham by way of Beachy Head.
+
+ I knew no harm of Bonaparte and plenty of the Squire,
+ And for to fight the Frenchman I did not much desire;
+ But I did bash their baggonets because they came arrayed
+ To straighten out the crooked road an English drunkard made,
+ Where you and I went down the lane with ale-mugs in our hands,
+ The night we went to Glastonbury by way of Goodwin Sands.
+
+ His sins they were forgiven him; or why do flowers run
+ Behind him; and the hedges all strengthing in the sun?
+ The wild thing went from left to right and knew not which was which,
+ But the wild rose was above him when they found him in the ditch.
+ God pardon us, nor harden us; we did not see so clear
+ The night we went to Bannockburn by way of Brighton Pier.
+
+ My friends, we will not go again or ape an ancient rage,
+ Or stretch the folly of our youth to be the shame of age,
+ But walk with clearer eyes and ears this path that wandereth,
+ And see undrugged in evening light the decent inn of death;
+ For there is good news yet to hear and fine things to be seen,
+ Before we go to Paradise by way of Kensal Green.
+
+
+
+
+The Song of Quoodle
+
+
+ They haven't got no noses,
+ The fallen sons of Eve;
+ Even the smell of roses
+ Is not what they supposes;
+ But more than mind discloses
+ And more than men believe.
+
+ They haven't got no noses,
+ They cannot even tell
+ When door and darkness closes
+ The park a Jew encloses,
+ Where even the Law of Moses
+ Will let you steal a smell.
+
+ The brilliant smell of water,
+ The brave smell of a stone,
+ The smell of dew and thunder,
+ The old bones buried under,
+ Are things in which they blunder
+ And err, if left alone.
+
+ The wind from winter forests,
+ The scent of scentless flowers,
+ The breath of brides' adorning,
+ The smell of snare and warning,
+ The smell of Sunday morning,
+ God gave to us for ours.
+
+ . . . . .
+
+ And Quoodle here discloses
+ All things that Quoodle can,
+ They haven't got no noses,
+ They haven't got no noses,
+ And goodness only knowses
+ The Noselessness of Man.
+
+
+
+
+Pioneers, O Pioneers
+
+
+ Nebuchadnezzar the King of the Jews
+ Suffered from new and original views,
+ He crawled on his hands and knees, it's said,
+ With grass in his mouth and a crown on his head.
+ With a wowtyiddly, etc.
+
+ Those in traditional paths that trod
+ Thought the thing was a curse from God,
+ But a Pioneer men always abuse
+ Like Nebuchadnezzar the King of the Jews.
+
+ Black Lord Foulon the Frenchman slew
+ Thought it a Futurist thing to do.
+ He offered them grass instead of bread.
+ So they stuffed him with grass when they cut off his head.
+ With a wowtyiddly, etc.
+
+ For the pride of his soul he perished then--
+ But of course it is always of Pride that men,
+ A Man in Advance of his Age accuse,
+ Like Nebuchadnezzar the King of the Jews.
+
+ Simeon Scudder of Styx, in Maine,
+ Thought of the thing and was at it again.
+ He gave good grass and water in pails
+ To a thousand Irishmen hammering rails.
+ With a wowtyiddly, etc.
+
+ Appetites differ; and tied to a stake
+ He was tarred and feathered for Conscience' Sake.
+ But stoning the prophets is ancient news,
+ Like Nebuchadnezzar the King of the Jews.
+
+
+
+
+The Logical Vegetarian
+
+
+"Why shouldn't I have a purely vegetarian drink? Why shouldn't I take
+vegetables in their highest form, so to speak? The modest vegetarians
+ought obviously to stick to wine or beer, plain vegetarian drinks,
+instead of filling their goblets with the blood of bulls and elephants,
+as all conventional meat-eaters do, I suppose."--Dalroy.
+
+ You will find me drinking rum,
+ Like a sailor in a slum,
+ You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian.
+ You will find me drinking gin
+ In the lowest kind of inn,
+ Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
+
+ So I cleared the inn of wine,
+ And I tried to climb the sign,
+ And I tried to hail the constable as "Marion."
+ But he said I couldn't speak,
+ And he bowled me to the Beak
+ Because I was a Happy Vegetarian.
+
+ Oh, I knew a Doctor Gluck,
+ And his nose it had a hook,
+ And his attitudes were anything but Aryan;
+ So I gave him all the pork
+ That I had, upon a fork;
+ Because I am myself a Vegetarian.
+
+ I am silent in the Club,
+ I am silent in the pub.,
+ I am silent on a bally peak in Darien;
+ For I stuff away for life
+ Shoving peas in with a knife,
+ Because I am at heart a Vegetarian.
+
+ No more the milk of cows
+ Shall pollute my private house
+ Than the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian;
+ I will stick to port and sherry,
+ For they are so very, very,
+ So very, very, very Vegetarian.
+
+
+
+
+"The Saracen's Head"
+
+
+ "The Saracen's Head" looks down the lane,
+ Where we shall never drink wine again,
+ For the wicked old women who feel well-bred
+ Have turned to a tea-shop "The Saracen's Head."
+
+ "The Saracen's Head" out of Araby came,
+ King Richard riding in arms like flame,
+ And where he established his folk to be fed
+ He set up a spear--and the Saracen's Head.
+
+ But "The Saracen's Head" outlived the Kings,
+ It thought and it thought of most horrible things,
+ Of Health and of Soap and of Standard Bread,
+ And of Saracen drinks at "The Saracen's Head."
+
+ So "The Saracen's Head" fulfils its name,
+ They drink no wine--a ridiculous game--
+ And I shall wonder until I'm dead,
+ How it ever came into the Saracen's Head.
+
+
+
+
+The Good Rich Man
+
+
+ Mr. Mandragon, the Millionaire, he wouldn't have wine or wife,
+ He couldn't endure complexity: he lived the Simple Life.
+ He ordered his lunch by megaphone in manly, simple tones,
+ And used all his motors for canvassing voters, and twenty telephones;
+ Besides a dandy little machine,
+ Cunning and neat as ever was seen,
+ With a hundred pulleys and cranks between,
+ Made of metal and kept quite clean,
+ To hoist him out of his healthful bed on every day of his life,
+ And wash him and dress him and shave him and brush him
+ --to live the Simple Life.
+
+ Mr. Mandragon was most refined and quietly, neatly dressed,
+ Say all the American newspapers that know refinement best;
+ Quiet and neat the hat and hair and the coat quiet and neat,
+ A trouser worn upon either leg, while boots adorn the feet;
+ And not, as any one would expect,
+ A Tiger's Skin all striped and specked,
+ And a Peacock Hat with the tail erect,
+ A scarlet tunic with sunflowers decked,
+ Which might have had a more marked effect,
+ And pleased the pride of a weaker man that yearned for wine or wife;
+ But Fame and the Flagon, for Mr. Mandragon
+ --obscured the Simple Life.
+
+ Mr. Mandragon, the Millionaire, I am happy to say, is dead;
+ He enjoyed a quiet funeral in a Crematorium shed.
+ And he lies there fluffy and soft and grey and certainly quite refined;
+ When he might have rotted to flowers and fruit with Adam and all mankind,
+ Or been eaten by wolves athirst for blood,
+ Or burnt on a good tall pyre of wood,
+ In a towering flame, as a heathen should,
+ Or even sat with us here at food,
+ Merrily taking twopenny ale and pork with a pocket-knife;
+ But this was luxury not for one that went for the Simple Life.
+
+
+
+
+The Song Against Songs
+
+
+ The song of the sorrow of Melisande is a weary song and a dreary song,
+ The glory of Mariana's grange had got into great decay,
+ The song of the Raven Never More has never been called a cheery song,
+ And the brightest things in Baudelaire are anything else but gay.
+
+ But who will write us a riding song,
+ Or a hunting song or a drinking song,
+ Fit for them that arose and rode
+ When day and the wine were red?
+ But bring me a quart of claret out,
+ And I will write you a clinking song,
+ A song of war and a song of wine
+ And a song to wake the dead.
+
+ The song of the fury of Fragolette is a florid song and a torrid song,
+ The song of the sorrow of Tara is sung to a harp unstrung,
+ The song of the cheerful Shropshire Lad I consider a perfectly horrid song,
+ And the song of the happy Futurist is a song that can't be sung.
+
+ But who will write us a riding song
+ Or a fighting song or a drinking song,
+ Fit for the fathers of you and me,
+ That knew how to think and thrive?
+ But the song of Beauty and Art and Love
+ Is simply an utterly stinking song,
+ To double you up and drag you down
+ And damn your soul alive.
+
+
+
+
+Me Heart
+
+
+ I come from Castlepatrick, and me heart is on me sleeve,
+ And any sword or pistol boy can hit it with me leave,
+ It shines there for an epaulette, as golden as a flame,
+ As naked as me ancestors, as noble as me name.
+ For I come from Castlepatrick, and me heart is on me sleeve,
+ But a lady stole it from me on St. Gallowglass's Eve.
+
+ The folk that live in Liverpool, their heart is in their boots;
+ They go to hell like lambs, they do, because the hooter hoots.
+ Where men may not be dancin', though the wheels may dance all day;
+ And men may not be smokin'; but only chimneys may.
+ But I come from Castlepatrick, and me heart is on me sleeve,
+ But a lady stole it from me on St. Poleander's Eve.
+
+ The folk that live in black Belfast, their heart is in their mouth,
+ They see us making murders in the meadows of the South;
+ They think a plough's a rack, they do, and cattle-calls are creeds,
+ And they think we're burnin' witches when we're only burnin' weeds;
+ But I come from Castlepatrick, and me heart is on me sleeve;
+ But a lady stole it from me on St. Barnabas's Eve.
+
+
+
+
+The Song of the Oak
+
+
+ The Druids waved their golden knives
+ And danced around the Oak
+ When they had sacrificed a man;
+ But though the learned search and scan,
+ No single modern person can
+ Entirely see the joke.
+ But though they cut the throats of men
+ They cut not down the tree,
+ And from the blood the saplings sprang
+ Of oak-woods yet to be.
+ But Ivywood, Lord Ivywood,
+ He rots the tree as ivy would,
+ He clings and crawls as ivy would
+ About the sacred tree.
+
+ King Charles he fled from Worcester fight
+ And hid him in an Oak;
+ In convent schools no man of tact
+ Would trace and praise his every act,
+ Or argue that he was in fact
+ A strict and sainted bloke,
+ But not by him the sacred woods
+ Have lost their fancies free,
+ And though he was extremely big
+ He did not break the tree.
+ But Ivywood, Lord Ivywood,
+ He breaks the tree as ivy would,
+ And eats the woods as ivy would
+ Between us and the sea.
+
+ Great Collingwood walked down the glade
+ And flung the acorns free,
+ That oaks might still be in the grove
+ As oaken as the beams above,
+ When the great Lover sailors love
+ Was kissed by Death at sea.
+ But though for him the oak-trees fell
+ To build the oaken ships,
+ The woodman worshipped what he smote
+ And honoured even the chips.
+ But Ivywood, Lord Ivywood,
+ He hates the tree as ivy would,
+ As the dragon of the ivy would
+ That has us in his grips.
+
+
+
+
+The Road to Roundabout
+
+
+ Some say that Guy of Warwick,
+ The man that killed the Cow
+ And brake the mighty Boar alive
+ Beyond the Bridge at Slough;
+ Went up against a Loathly Worm
+ That wasted all the Downs,
+ And so the roads they twist and squirm
+ (If I may be allowed the term)
+ From the writhing of the stricken Worm
+ That died in seven towns.
+ I see no scientific proof
+ That this idea is sound,
+ And I should say they wound about
+ To find the town of Roundabout,
+ The merry town of Roundabout,
+ That makes the world go round.
+
+ Some say that Robin Goodfellow,
+ Whose lantern lights the meads
+ (To steal a phrase Sir Walter Scott
+ In heaven no longer needs),
+ Such dance around the trysting-place
+ The moonstruck lover leads;
+ Which superstition I should scout
+ There is more faith in honest doubt
+ (As Tennyson has pointed out)
+ Than in those nasty creeds.
+ But peace and righteousness (St. John)
+ In Roundabout can kiss,
+ And since that's all that's found about
+ The pleasant town of Roundabout,
+ The roads they simply bound about
+ To find out where it is.
+
+ Some say that when Sir Lancelot
+ Went forth to find the Grail,
+ Grey Merlin wrinkled up the roads
+ For hope that he should fail;
+ All roads led back to Lyonesse
+ And Camelot in the Vale,
+ I cannot yield assent to this
+ Extravagant hypothesis,
+ The plain, shrewd Briton will dismiss
+ Such rumours (=Daily Mail=).
+ But in the streets of Roundabout
+ Are no such factions found,
+ Or theories to expound about,
+ Or roll upon the ground about,
+ In the happy town of Roundabout,
+ That makes the world go round.
+
+
+
+
+The Song of the Strange Ascetic
+
+
+ If I had been a Heathen,
+ I'd have praised the purple vine,
+ My slaves should dig the vineyards,
+ And I would drink the wine;
+ But Higgins is a Heathen,
+ And his slaves grow lean and grey,
+ That he may drink some tepid milk
+ Exactly twice a day.
+
+ If I had been a Heathen,
+ I'd have crowned Neoera's curls,
+ And filled my life with love affairs,
+ My house with dancing girls;
+ But Higgins is a Heathen,
+ And to lecture rooms is forced,
+ Where his aunts, who are not married,
+ Demand to be divorced.
+
+ If I had been a Heathen,
+ I'd have sent my armies forth,
+ And dragged behind my chariots
+ The Chieftains of the North.
+ But Higgins is a Heathen,
+ And he drives the dreary quill,
+ To lend the poor that funny cash
+ That makes them poorer still.
+
+ If I had been a Heathen,
+ I'd have piled my pyre on high,
+ And in a great red whirlwind
+ Gone roaring to the sky;
+ But Higgins is a Heathen,
+ And a richer man than I;
+ And they put him in an oven,
+ Just as if he were a pie.
+
+ Now who that runs can read it,
+ The riddle that I write,
+ Of why this poor old sinner,
+ Should sin without delight--?
+ But I, I cannot read it
+ (Although I run and run),
+ Of them that do not have the faith,
+ And will not have the fun.
+
+
+
+
+The Song of Right and Wrong
+
+
+ Feast on wine or fast on water,
+ And your honour shall stand sure,
+ God Almighty's son and daughter
+ He the valiant, she the pure;
+ If an angel out of heaven
+ Brings you other things to drink,
+ Thank him for his kind attentions,
+ Go and pour them down the sink.
+
+ Tea is like the East he grows in,
+ A great yellow Mandarin
+ With urbanity of manner
+ And unconsciousness of sin;
+ All the women, like a harem,
+ At his pig-tail troop along;
+ And, like all the East he grows in,
+ He is Poison when he's strong.
+
+ Tea, although an Oriental,
+ Is a gentleman at least;
+ Cocoa is a cad and coward,
+ Cocoa is a vulgar beast,
+ Cocoa is a dull, disloyal,
+ Lying, crawling cad and clown,
+ And may very well be grateful
+ To the fool that takes him down.
+
+ As for all the windy waters,
+ They were rained like tempests down
+ When good drink had been dishonoured
+ By the tipplers of the town;
+ When red wine had brought red ruin
+ And the death-dance of our times,
+ Heaven sent us Soda Water
+ As a torment for our crimes.
+
+
+
+
+Who Goes Home?
+
+
+ In the city set upon slime and loam
+ They cry in their parliament "Who goes home?"
+ And there comes no answer in arch or dome,
+ For none in the city of graves goes home.
+ Yet these shall perish and understand,
+ For God has pity on this great land.
+
+ Men that are men again; who goes home?
+ Tocsin and trumpeter! Who goes home?
+ For there's blood on the field and blood on the foam
+ And blood on the body when Man goes home.
+ And a voice valedictory.... Who is for Victory?
+ Who is for Liberty? Who goes home?
+
+
+ Printed in Great Britain by
+ UNWIN BROTHERS, LIMITED, PRINTERS, WOKING AND LONDON
+
+
+
+
+SOME DELIGHTFUL BOOKS BY G. K. CHESTERTON
+
+
+*CHARLES DICKENS.
+
+With 2 Portraits in Photogravure. _Eighth Edition._ Crown 8vo, 6s.
+
+A famous book on Dickens which is intended as a general justification of
+that author. Mr. Chesterton compares the immense achievements produced
+by the optimism of Dickens in the realm of reform with the small results
+produced by the pessimistic method of later days. He treats each of the
+novels in turn, and he devotes the latter part of his book to a general
+estimate of the influence of Dickens.
+
+THE FLYING INN. _Third Edition._ Crown 8vo, 6s. Also Crown 8vo, 2s. net.
+
+THE BALLAD OF THE WHITE HORSE. _Fifth Edition._ Fcap. 8vo, 5s.
+
+A Ballad of the Reign of King Alfred. It describes that monarch's noble
+exploits, his character, his struggle with the Danes, the story of the
+White Horse, and the Battle of Ethandune.
+
+LETTERS TO AN OLD GARIBALDIAN. Crown 8vo, 3d. net.
+
+
+ESSAYS
+
+Fcap. 8vo. Gilt Top. 5s. each.
+
+*ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. _Seventh Edition._
+
+TREMENDOUS TRIFLES. _Fifth Edition._
+
+ALARMS AND DISCURSIONS. _Second Edition._
+
+A MISCELLANY OF MEN. _Second Edition._
+
+
+* _An edition in cloth, Fcap. 8vo, 1s. net, is also issued._
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