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+Project Gutenberg's Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, by Col. D. Streamer
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes
+
+Author: Col. D. Streamer
+
+Release Date: January 24, 2011 [EBook #35051]
+[Last updated: September 21, 2011]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RUTHLESS RHYMES--HEARTLESS HOMES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Mark C. Orton and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was
+produced from scanned images of public domain material
+from the Google Print project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+ "_I was unlucky with my wives,
+ So are the most of married men;
+ Undoubtedly they lost their lives,--_"]
+
+
+
+
+RUTHLESS RHYMES _for_ Heartless Homes
+
+By Col. D. STREAMER
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ New York
+ R. H. RUSSELL
+ 1902
+
+
+
+
+ _Copyright, 1901, by Robert Howard Russell_
+ _Second impression, December, 1902_
+
+
+
+
+Dedicated to P. P.
+
+("_Qui connait son sourire a connu le parfait._")
+
+
+ I NEED no Comments of the Press,
+ No critic's cursory caress,
+ No paragraphs my book to bless
+ With praise, or ban with curses,
+ So long as You, for whom I write,
+ Whose single notice I invite,
+ Are still sufficiently polite
+ To smile upon my verses.
+
+ If You should seek for Ruthless Rhymes
+ (In memory of Western climes),
+ And, for the sake of olden times,
+ Obtain this new edition,
+ You must not be surprised a bit,
+ Nor even deem the act unfit,
+ That I have dedicated it
+ To You, without permission.
+
+ P. T. O.[1]
+
+ And if You chance to ask me why,
+ It is sufficient, I reply,
+ That You are You, and I am I,--
+ To put the matter briefly.
+ That I should dedicate to You
+ Can only interest us two;
+ The fact remains, then, that I do,
+ Because I want to--chiefly.
+
+ And if these verses can beguile
+ From those grey eyes of yours a smile,
+ You will have made it well worth while
+ To seek your approbation;
+ No further meed
+ Of praise they need,
+ But must succeed,
+ And do indeed,
+ If they but lead
+ You on to read
+ Beyond the Dedication.
+
+ 1901. H. G.
+
+
+
+
+Author's Preface
+
+
+ WITH guilty, conscience-stricken tears
+ I offer up these rhymes of mine
+ To children of maturer years
+ (From Seventeen to Ninety-nine).
+ A special solace may they be
+ In days of second infancy.
+
+ The frenzied mother who observes
+ This volume in her offspring's hand,
+ And trembles for the darling's nerves,
+ Must please to clearly understand,
+ If baby suffers by-and-bye
+ The Artist is to blame, not _I_!
+
+ But should the little brat survive,
+ And fatten on the Ruthless Rhyme,
+ To raise a Heartless Home and thrive
+ Through a successful life of crime,
+ The Artist hopes that you will see
+ That _I_ am to be thanked, not _he_!
+
+ P. T. O.[1]
+
+ Fond parent, you whose children are
+ Of tender age (from two to eight),
+ Pray keep this little volume far
+ From reach of such, and relegate
+ My verses to an upper shelf,--
+ Where you may study them yourself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[1] Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means Please Turn Over. This is retained
+in the text although the instruction is obviously not necessary.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "_He had _such_ good cigars._"]
+
+
+
+Uncle Joe
+
+
+ AN Angel bore dear Uncle Joe
+ To rest beyond the stars.
+ I miss him, oh! I miss him so,--
+ He had _such_ good cigars.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Impetuous Samuel
+
+
+ SAM had spirits naught could check,
+ And to-day, at breakfast, he
+ Broke his baby sister's neck,
+ So he shan't have jam for tea!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Inconsiderate Hannah
+
+
+ NAUGHTY little Hannah said
+ She could make her grandma whistle,
+ So, that night, inside her bed
+ Placed some nettles and a thistle.
+
+ Though dear grandma quite infirm is,
+ Heartless Hannah watched her settle,
+ With her poor old epidermis
+ Resting up against a nettle.
+
+ Suddenly she reached the thistle!
+ My! you should have heard her whistle!
+
+ * * * * *
+
+ A successful plan was Hannah's,
+ But I cannot praise her manners.
+
+
+
+
+Aunt Eliza
+
+
+ IN the drinking-well
+ (Which the plumber built her)
+ Aunt Eliza fell,--
+ We must buy a filter.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Self-Sacrifice
+
+
+ FATHER, chancing to chastise
+ His indignant daughter Sue,
+ Said, "I hope you realize
+ That this hurts me more than you."
+
+ Susan straightway ceased to roar.
+ "If that's really true," said she,
+ "I can stand a good deal more;
+ Pray go on, and don't mind me."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+La Course Interrompue
+
+
+I.
+
+ JEAN qui allait a Dijon
+ (Il montait en bicyclette)
+ Rencontra un gros lion
+ Qui se faisait la toilette.
+
+
+II.
+
+ Voila Jean qui tombe a terre
+ Et le lion le digere!
+
+ * * * * *
+
+ Mon Dieu! Que c'est embetant!
+ Il me devait quatre francs.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration:
+
+ "_John had on some clothes of mine;
+ I can almost see them shrinking
+ Washed repeatedly in brine._"]
+
+
+
+
+John
+
+
+ JOHN, across the broad Atlantic,
+ Tried to navigate a barque,
+ But he met an unromantic
+ And extremely hungry shark.
+
+ John (I blame his childhood's teachers)
+ Thought to treat this as a lark,
+ Ignorant of how these creatures
+ Do delight to bite a barque.
+
+ Said "This animal's a bore!" and,
+ With a scornful sort of grin,
+ Handled an adjacent oar and
+ Chucked it underneath the chin.
+
+ At this unexpected juncture
+ Which he had not reckoned on,
+ Mr. Shark he made a puncture
+ In the barque--and then in John.
+
+ Sad am I, and sore at thinking
+ John had on some clothes of mine;
+ I can almost see them shrinking,
+ Washed repeatedly in brine.
+
+ I shall never cease regretting
+ That I lent my hat to him,
+ For I fear a thorough wetting
+ Cannot well improve the brim.
+
+ Oh! to know a shark is browsing,
+ Boldly, blandly on my boots!
+ Coldly, cruelly carousing
+ On the choicest of my suits!
+
+ Creatures I regard with loathing
+ Who can calmly take their fill
+ Of one's Jaeger underclothing:--
+ Down, my aching heart, be still!
+
+
+
+
+The Fond Father
+
+
+ OF Baby I was very fond,
+ She'd won her father's heart;
+ So, when she fell into the pond,
+ It gave me quite a start.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Necessity
+
+
+ LATE last night I slew my wife,
+ Stretched her on the parquet flooring;
+ I was loath to take her life,
+ But I _had_ to stop her snoring.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Unselfishness
+
+
+ ALL those who see my children say,
+ "What sweet, what kind, what charming elves!"
+ They are so thoughtful, too, for they
+ Are _always_ thinking of themselves.
+ It must be ages since I ceased
+ To wonder which I liked the least.
+
+ Such is their generosity,
+ That, when the roof began to fall,
+ They would not share the risk with me,
+ But said, "No, father, take it all!"
+ Yet I should love them more, I know,
+ If I did not dislike them so.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Scorching John
+
+
+ JOHN, who rode his Dunlop tire
+ O'er the head of sweet Maria,
+ When she writhed in frightful pain,
+ Had to blow it out again.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Misfortunes Never Come Singly
+
+
+ MAKING toast at the fireside,
+ Nurse fell in the grate and died;
+ And, what makes it ten times worse,
+ All the toast was burned _with_ nurse.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+The Perils of Obesity
+
+
+ YESTERDAY my gun exploded
+ When I thought it wasn't loaded;
+ Near my wife I pressed the trigger,
+ Chipped a fragment off her figure;
+ 'Course I'm sorry, and all that,
+ But she shouldn't be so fat.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration:
+
+ "_Now, although the room grows chilly,
+ I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy._"]
+
+
+
+
+Tender-Heartedness
+
+
+ BILLY, in one of his nice new sashes,
+ Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
+ Now, although the room grows chilly,
+ I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Jim; or, the Deferred Luncheon Party
+
+
+ WHEN the line he tried to cross,
+ The express ran into Jim;
+ Bitterly I mourn his loss--
+ I was to have lunched with him.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Appreciation
+
+
+ AUNTIE, did you feel no pain
+ Falling from that apple tree?
+ Will you do it, please, again?
+ 'Cos my friend here didn't see.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Baby
+
+
+ BABY in the caldron fell,--
+ See the grief on Mother's brow;
+ Mother loved her darling well,--
+ Darling's quite hard-boiled by now.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: "_Darling's quite hard-boiled by now._"]
+
+
+
+
+Nurse's Mistake
+
+
+ NURSE, who peppered baby's face
+ (She mistook it for a muffin),
+ Held her tongue and kept her place,
+ "Laying low and sayin' nuffin'";
+ Mother, seeing baby blinded,
+ Said, "Oh, nurse, how absent-minded!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+The Stern Parent
+
+
+ FATHER heard his Children scream,
+ So he threw them in the stream,
+ Saying, as he drowned the third,
+ "Children should be seen, _not_ heard!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+"Bluebeard"
+
+
+ YES, I am Bluebeard, and my name
+ Is one that children cannot stand;
+ Yet once I used to be so tame
+ I'd eat out of a person's hand;
+ So gentle was I wont to be
+ A Curate might have played with me.
+
+ People accord me little praise,
+ Yet I am not the least alarming;
+ I can recall, in bygone days,
+ A maid once said she thought me charming.
+ She was my friend,--no more I vow,--
+ And--she's in an asylum now.
+
+ Girls used to clamour for my hand,
+ Girls I refused in simple dozens;
+ I said I'd be their brother, and
+ They promised they would be my cousins.
+ (One, I accepted,--more or less--
+ But I've forgotten her address.)
+
+ They worried me like anything
+ By their proposals ev'ry day,
+ Until at last I had to ring
+ The bell, and have them cleared away;
+ (I often pondered on the cost
+ Of getting them completely lost.)
+
+ To share my somewhat lofty rank
+ Was what they panted for, like mad;
+ You see my balance at the bank
+ Was not so small, and, I may add,
+ A Castle, Gothic and immense,
+ Is my Official Residence.
+
+ It overlooks a many a mile
+ Of park, of gardens and domains;
+ I'm staying now in lodgings, while
+ They're doing up the--well--the drains,--
+ For they began to give offence
+ At my Official Residence.
+
+ And, when I entertain at home,
+ I hardly ever fail to please,
+ The "upper tens" alone may come
+ To join in my "recherche" teas;
+ I am a King in ev'ry sense
+ At my Official Residence.
+
+ My dances, on a parquet floor,
+ My royal dinners, which consist
+ Of fifteen courses, sometimes more,
+ Are things that are not lightly missed;
+ In fact I do not spare expense
+ At my Official Residence.
+
+ My hospitality to those
+ Whom I invite to come and stay
+ Is famed; my wine like water flows,
+ Exactly like, some people say,
+ But this is mere impertinence
+ At my Official Residence.
+
+ When through the streets I walk about
+ My subjects stand and kiss their hands,
+ Raise a refined metallic shout,
+ Wave flags and warble tunes on bands,
+ While bunting hangs on ev'ry front,--
+ With my commands to let it bunt.
+
+ When I come home again, of course,
+ Retainers are employed to cheer,
+ My paid domestics get quite hoarse
+ Acclaiming me, and you can hear
+ The welkin ringing to the sky,--
+ Aye, aye, and let it welk, say I!
+
+ And yet, in spite of this, there are
+ Some persons who, at diff'rent times,
+ --(Because I am so popular)--
+ Accuse me of most awful crimes;
+ A girl once said I was a flirt!
+ Oh my! how the expression hurt!
+
+ I _never_ flirted in the least,
+ Never for very long, I mean,--
+ Ask any lady (now deceased)
+ Who partner of my life has been;--
+ Oh well, of course, sometimes, perhaps,
+ I meet a girl, like other chaps.
+
+ And, if I like her very much,
+ And if she cares for me a bit,
+ Where is the harm of look or touch
+ If neither of us mentions it?
+ It isn't right, I don't suppose,
+ But no one's hurt if no one knows!
+
+ And, if I placed my hand below
+ Her chin and raised her face an inch,
+ And then proceeded--well, you know,--
+ (Excuse the vulgarism)--to clinch;
+ It would be wrong without a doubt,
+ That is, if anyone found out.
+
+ But then, remember, Life is short
+ And Woman's Arts are very long,
+ And sometimes when one didn't ought
+ One knowingly commits a wrong;
+ Well--speaking for myself, of course,
+ I almost always feel remorse.
+
+ One should not break one's self _too_ fast
+ Of little habits of this sort,
+ Which may be definitely classed
+ With gambling or a taste for port;
+ They should be _slowly_ dropped, until
+ The Heart is subject to the Will.
+
+ I knew a man on Seventh Street
+ Who, at a very slight expense,
+ By persevering, was complete-
+ Ly cured of total abstinence;
+ An altered life he has begun
+ And takes a horn with anyone.
+
+ I knew another man whose wife
+ Was an invet'rate suicide,
+ She daily strove to take her life
+ And (naturally) nearly died;
+ But some such system she essayed,
+ And now she's eighty in the shade.
+
+ Ah, the new leaves I try to turn,
+ But, like so many men in town,
+ I seem, as with regret I learn,
+ Merely to turn the corner down;
+ A habit which I fear, alack!
+ Makes it more easy to turn back.
+
+ I have been criticised a lot;
+ I venture to enquire what for;
+ Because, forsooth, I have not got
+ The instincts of a bachelor!
+ Just hear my story, you will find
+ How grossly I have been maligned.
+
+ I was unlucky with my wives,
+ So are the most of married men;
+ Undoubtedly they lost their lives,--
+ Of course, but even so, what then?
+ I loved them dearly, understand,
+ And I _can_ love, to beat the band.
+
+ My first was little Emmeline,
+ More beautiful than day was she;
+ Her proud, aristocratic mien
+ Was what at once attracted me.
+ I naturally did not know
+ That I should soon dislike her so.
+
+ But there it was! And you'll infer
+ I had not very long to wait
+ Before my red-hot love for her
+ Turned to unutterable hate.
+ So, when this state of things I found,
+ I naturally had her drowned.
+
+ My next was Sarah, sweet but shy,
+ And quite inordinately meek;
+ Yes, even now I wonder why
+ I had her hanged within the week.
+ Perhaps I felt a bit upset,
+ Or else she bored me, I forget.
+
+ Then came Evangeline, my third,
+ And, when I chanced to be away,
+ She, so I subsequently heard,
+ Was wont (I deeply grieve to say)
+ With my small retinue to flirt.
+ I strangled her. I hope it hurt.
+
+ Isabel was, I think, my next,--
+ (That is, if I remember right)--
+ And I was really very vexed
+ To find her hair come off at night;
+ To falsehood I could not connive,
+ And so I had her boiled alive.
+
+ Then came Sophia, I believe,
+ Her coiffure was at least her own,
+ Alas! she fancied to deceive
+ Her friends by altering its tone.
+ She dyed her locks a flaming red!
+ I suffocated her in bed.
+
+ Susannah Maud was number six;
+ But she did not survive a day;
+ Poor Sue, she had no parlour tricks
+ And hardly anything to say.
+ A little strychnine in her tea
+ Finished her off, and I was free.
+
+ Yet I did not despair, and soon!
+ In spite of failures, started off
+ Upon my seventh honeymoon
+ With Jane; but could not stand her cough.
+ 'Twas chronic. Kindness was in vain.
+ I pushed her underneath the train.
+
+ Well, after her, I married Kate.
+ A most unpleasant woman. Oh!
+ I caught her at the garden gate
+ Kissing a man I didn't know;
+ And, as that didn't suit me quite,
+ I blew her up with dynamite.
+
+ Most married men, so sorely tried
+ As this, would have been rather bored.
+ Not I, but chose another bride
+ And married Ruth. Alas! she snored!
+ I served her just the same as Kate,
+ And so she joined the other eight.
+
+ My last was Grace; I am not clear,
+ I _think_ she didn't like me much;
+ She used to scream when I came near,
+ And shuddered at my lightest touch.
+ She seemed to wish to keep aloof,
+ And so I threw her off the roof.
+
+ This is the point I wish to make:--
+ From all the wives for whom I grieve,
+ Whose lives I had perforce to take,
+ Not one complaint did I receive;
+ And no expense was spared to please
+ My spouses at their obsequies.
+
+ My habits, I would have you know,
+ Are perfect, as they've always been;
+ You ask if I am good, and go
+ To church, and keep my fingers clean?
+ I do, I mean to say I am,
+ I have the morals of a lamb.
+
+ In my domains there is no sin,
+ Virtue is rampant all the time,
+ Since I so thoughtfully brought in
+ A bill which legalizes crime;
+ Committing things that are not wrong
+ Must pall before so very long.
+
+ And if what you imagine vice
+ Is not considered so at all,
+ Crime doesn't seem the least bit nice,
+ There's no temptation then to fall;
+ For half the charm of things we do
+ Is knowing that we oughtn't to.
+
+ Believe me, then, I am not bad,
+ Though in my youth I had to trek
+ Because I happened to have had
+ Some difficulties with a cheque.
+ What forgery in some might be
+ Is absentmindedness in me!
+
+ I know that I was much abused,
+ No doubt when I was young and rash,
+ But I should not have been accused
+ Of misappropriating cash.
+ I may have sneaked a silver dish;--
+ Well, you may search me if you wish!
+
+ So, now you see me, more or less,
+ As I would figure in your thoughts;
+ A trifle given to excess
+ And prone perhaps to vice of sorts;
+ When tempted, rather apt to fall,
+ But still--a good chap after all!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+The Cat
+
+(_Advice to the Young_)
+
+
+ My children, you should imitate
+ The harmless, necessary cat,
+ Who eats whatever's on his plate,
+ And doesn't even leave the fat;
+ Who never stays in bed too late,
+ Or does immoral things like that;
+ Instead of saying "Shan't!" or "Bosh!"
+ He'll sit and wash, and wash, and wash!
+
+ When shadows fall and lights grow dim
+ He sits beneath the kitchen stair;
+ Regardless as to life and limb,
+ A simple couch he chooses there;
+ And if you tumble over him,
+ He simply loves to hear you swear.
+ And, while bad language _you_ prefer,
+ He'll sit and purr, and purr, and purr!
+
+[Illustration: _The Cat._]
+
+
+
+
+The Children's "Don't"
+
+
+ _DON'T_ tell Papa his nose is red
+ As any rosebud or geranium,
+ Forbear to eye his hairless head
+ Or criticise his cootlike cranium;
+ 'Tis years of sorrow and of care
+ Have made his head come through his hair.
+
+ _Don't_ give your endless guinea-pig
+ (Wherein that animal may build a
+ Sufficient nest) the Sunday wig
+ Of poor, dear, dull, deaf Aunt Matilda.
+ Oh, _don't_ tie strings across her path,
+ Or empty beetles in her bath!
+
+ _Don't_ ask your uncle why he's fat;
+ Avoid upon his toe-joints treading;
+ _Don't_ hide a hedgehog in his hat,
+ Or bury bushes in his bedding.
+ He will not see the slightest sport
+ In pepper put into his port!
+
+ _Don't_ pull away the cherished chair
+ On which Mamma intended sitting,
+ Nor yet prepare her session there
+ By setting on the seat her knitting;
+ Pause ere you hurt her spine, I pray--
+ That is a game that _two_ can play.
+
+ My children, never, never steal!
+ To know their offspring is a thief
+ Will often make a father feel
+ Annoyed and cause a mother grief;
+ So never steal, but, when you do,
+ Be sure there's no one watching you.
+
+[Illustration: "Don't _hide a hedgehog in his hat._"]
+
+ Perhaps you have a turn for what
+ Is known as "misappropriation,"
+ Attractions this has doubtless got
+ For persons of a certain station,
+ But prevalent 'twill never be
+ Among the aristocracy.
+
+ Of course, suppose you want a thing
+ (The owner's absent), and you borrow
+ A ruby ring; you mean to bring
+ Your friend his trinket back to-morrow
+ Meanwhile you have the stones reset,
+ Lest he forget! Lest he forget!
+
+ And if some rude detective's hand
+ Should find beneath your cloak a roll
+ Of muslin, or a cruet-stand
+ That's labelled "Hotel Metropole,"
+ With kindly smile you hand them back,
+ A harmless Kleptomaniac!
+
+ * * * * *
+
+ Don't tell a lie! Some men I've known
+ Commit the most appalling acts,
+ Because they happen to be prone
+ To an economy of facts;
+ And if _to lie_ is bad, no doubt
+ 'Tis even worse _to get found out_!
+
+ * * * * *
+
+ Don't take the life of any one,
+ However horrid he may be;
+ That sort of thing is never done,
+ Not in the best society,
+ Where even parricide is thought
+ A most unfilial kind of sport.
+
+ Among the "Upper Ten" to-day,
+ It is considered want of tact
+ To slay one's kith and kin, and may
+ Be classed as an "unfriendly act."
+ Oh, yes, of course I know that this
+ Is merely public prejudice.
+
+[Illustration: "_Or empty beetles in her bath!_"]
+
+ But ever since the world began,
+ Howe'er well meant his motives are,
+ The man who slays his fellow man
+ Is never really popular,
+ Whether he sins from love of crime,
+ Or merely just to pass the time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Envoi
+
+
+ SPEED, Ruthless Rhymes; throughout the land
+ Disperse yourselves with patient zeal!
+ Go, perch upon the Critic's hand,
+ Just after he has had a meal.
+ But should he still unkindly be,
+ Unperch and hasten back to me.
+
+ And, wheresoever you may roam,
+ Remember the secluded shelf
+ (Where, sitting in his Heartless Home,
+ The author chortles to himself),
+ There, in the distant by-and-bye,
+ You still may flutter back--to die.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, by
+Col. D. Streamer
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RUTHLESS RHYMES--HEARTLESS HOMES ***
+
+***** This file should be named 35051.txt or 35051.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+ https://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/0/5/35051/
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