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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/35051-8.txt b/35051-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4856a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/35051-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1309 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, by Col. D. Streamer + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes + +Author: Col. D. Streamer + +Release Date: January 24, 2011 [EBook #35051] +[Last updated: September 21, 2011] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RUTHLESS RHYMES--HEARTLESS HOMES *** + + + + +Produced by Mark C. Orton and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was +produced from scanned images of public domain material +from the Google Print project.) + + + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: + + "_I was unlucky with my wives, + So are the most of married men; + Undoubtedly they lost their lives,--_"] + + + + +RUTHLESS RHYMES _for_ Heartless Homes + +By Col. D. STREAMER + +[Illustration] + + New York + R. H. RUSSELL + 1902 + + + + + _Copyright, 1901, by Robert Howard Russell_ + _Second impression, December, 1902_ + + + + +Dedicated to P. P. + +("_Qui connait son sourire a connu le parfait._") + + + I NEED no Comments of the Press, + No critic's cursory caress, + No paragraphs my book to bless + With praise, or ban with curses, + So long as You, for whom I write, + Whose single notice I invite, + Are still sufficiently polite + To smile upon my verses. + + If You should seek for Ruthless Rhymes + (In memory of Western climes), + And, for the sake of olden times, + Obtain this new edition, + You must not be surprised a bit, + Nor even deem the act unfit, + That I have dedicated it + To You, without permission. + + P. T. O.[1] + + And if You chance to ask me why, + It is sufficient, I reply, + That You are You, and I am I,-- + To put the matter briefly. + That I should dedicate to You + Can only interest us two; + The fact remains, then, that I do, + Because I want to--chiefly. + + And if these verses can beguile + From those grey eyes of yours a smile, + You will have made it well worth while + To seek your approbation; + No further meed + Of praise they need, + But must succeed, + And do indeed, + If they but lead + You on to read + Beyond the Dedication. + + 1901. H. G. + + + + +Author's Preface + + + WITH guilty, conscience-stricken tears + I offer up these rhymes of mine + To children of maturer years + (From Seventeen to Ninety-nine). + A special solace may they be + In days of second infancy. + + The frenzied mother who observes + This volume in her offspring's hand, + And trembles for the darling's nerves, + Must please to clearly understand, + If baby suffers by-and-bye + The Artist is to blame, not _I_! + + But should the little brat survive, + And fatten on the Ruthless Rhyme, + To raise a Heartless Home and thrive + Through a successful life of crime, + The Artist hopes that you will see + That _I_ am to be thanked, not _he_! + + P. T. O.[1] + + Fond parent, you whose children are + Of tender age (from two to eight), + Pray keep this little volume far + From reach of such, and relegate + My verses to an upper shelf,-- + Where you may study them yourself. + +[Illustration] + + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means Please Turn Over. This is retained +in the text although the instruction is obviously not necessary. + + + + +[Illustration: "_He had _such_ good cigars._"] + + + +Uncle Joe + + + AN Angel bore dear Uncle Joe + To rest beyond the stars. + I miss him, oh! I miss him so,-- + He had _such_ good cigars. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Impetuous Samuel + + + SAM had spirits naught could check, + And to-day, at breakfast, he + Broke his baby sister's neck, + So he shan't have jam for tea! + +[Illustration] + + + + +Inconsiderate Hannah + + + NAUGHTY little Hannah said + She could make her grandma whistle, + So, that night, inside her bed + Placed some nettles and a thistle. + + Though dear grandma quite infirm is, + Heartless Hannah watched her settle, + With her poor old epidermis + Resting up against a nettle. + + Suddenly she reached the thistle! + My! you should have heard her whistle! + + * * * * * + + A successful plan was Hannah's, + But I cannot praise her manners. + + + + +Aunt Eliza + + + IN the drinking-well + (Which the plumber built her) + Aunt Eliza fell,-- + We must buy a filter. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Self-Sacrifice + + + FATHER, chancing to chastise + His indignant daughter Sue, + Said, "I hope you realize + That this hurts me more than you." + + Susan straightway ceased to roar. + "If that's really true," said she, + "I can stand a good deal more; + Pray go on, and don't mind me." + +[Illustration] + + + + +La Course Interrompue + + +I. + + JEAN qui allait a Dijon + (Il montait en bicyclette) + Rencontra un gros lion + Qui se faisait la toilette. + + +II. + + Voila Jean qui tombe a terre + Et le lion le digère! + + * * * * * + + Mon Dieu! Que c'est embêtant! + Il me devait quatre francs. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: + + "_John had on some clothes of mine; + I can almost see them shrinking + Washed repeatedly in brine._"] + + + + +John + + + JOHN, across the broad Atlantic, + Tried to navigate a barque, + But he met an unromantic + And extremely hungry shark. + + John (I blame his childhood's teachers) + Thought to treat this as a lark, + Ignorant of how these creatures + Do delight to bite a barque. + + Said "This animal's a bore!" and, + With a scornful sort of grin, + Handled an adjacent oar and + Chucked it underneath the chin. + + At this unexpected juncture + Which he had not reckoned on, + Mr. Shark he made a puncture + In the barque--and then in John. + + Sad am I, and sore at thinking + John had on some clothes of mine; + I can almost see them shrinking, + Washed repeatedly in brine. + + I shall never cease regretting + That I lent my hat to him, + For I fear a thorough wetting + Cannot well improve the brim. + + Oh! to know a shark is browsing, + Boldly, blandly on my boots! + Coldly, cruelly carousing + On the choicest of my suits! + + Creatures I regard with loathing + Who can calmly take their fill + Of one's Jæger underclothing:-- + Down, my aching heart, be still! + + + + +The Fond Father + + + OF Baby I was very fond, + She'd won her father's heart; + So, when she fell into the pond, + It gave me quite a start. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Necessity + + + LATE last night I slew my wife, + Stretched her on the parquet flooring; + I was loath to take her life, + But I _had_ to stop her snoring. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Unselfishness + + + ALL those who see my children say, + "What sweet, what kind, what charming elves!" + They are so thoughtful, too, for they + Are _always_ thinking of themselves. + It must be ages since I ceased + To wonder which I liked the least. + + Such is their generosity, + That, when the roof began to fall, + They would not share the risk with me, + But said, "No, father, take it all!" + Yet I should love them more, I know, + If I did not dislike them so. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Scorching John + + + JOHN, who rode his Dunlop tire + O'er the head of sweet Maria, + When she writhed in frightful pain, + Had to blow it out again. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Misfortunes Never Come Singly + + + MAKING toast at the fireside, + Nurse fell in the grate and died; + And, what makes it ten times worse, + All the toast was burned _with_ nurse. + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Perils of Obesity + + + YESTERDAY my gun exploded + When I thought it wasn't loaded; + Near my wife I pressed the trigger, + Chipped a fragment off her figure; + 'Course I'm sorry, and all that, + But she shouldn't be so fat. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: + + "_Now, although the room grows chilly, + I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy._"] + + + + +Tender-Heartedness + + + BILLY, in one of his nice new sashes, + Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes; + Now, although the room grows chilly, + I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Jim; or, the Deferred Luncheon Party + + + WHEN the line he tried to cross, + The express ran into Jim; + Bitterly I mourn his loss-- + I was to have lunched with him. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Appreciation + + + AUNTIE, did you feel no pain + Falling from that apple tree? + Will you do it, please, again? + 'Cos my friend here didn't see. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Baby + + + BABY in the caldron fell,-- + See the grief on Mother's brow; + Mother loved her darling well,-- + Darling's quite hard-boiled by now. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: "_Darling's quite hard-boiled by now._"] + + + + +Nurse's Mistake + + + NURSE, who peppered baby's face + (She mistook it for a muffin), + Held her tongue and kept her place, + "Laying low and sayin' nuffin'"; + Mother, seeing baby blinded, + Said, "Oh, nurse, how absent-minded!" + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Stern Parent + + + FATHER heard his Children scream, + So he threw them in the stream, + Saying, as he drowned the third, + "Children should be seen, _not_ heard!" + +[Illustration] + + + + +"Bluebeard" + + + YES, I am Bluebeard, and my name + Is one that children cannot stand; + Yet once I used to be so tame + I'd eat out of a person's hand; + So gentle was I wont to be + A Curate might have played with me. + + People accord me little praise, + Yet I am not the least alarming; + I can recall, in bygone days, + A maid once said she thought me charming. + She was my friend,--no more I vow,-- + And--she's in an asylum now. + + Girls used to clamour for my hand, + Girls I refused in simple dozens; + I said I'd be their brother, and + They promised they would be my cousins. + (One, I accepted,--more or less-- + But I've forgotten her address.) + + They worried me like anything + By their proposals ev'ry day, + Until at last I had to ring + The bell, and have them cleared away; + (I often pondered on the cost + Of getting them completely lost.) + + To share my somewhat lofty rank + Was what they panted for, like mad; + You see my balance at the bank + Was not so small, and, I may add, + A Castle, Gothic and immense, + Is my Official Residence. + + It overlooks a many a mile + Of park, of gardens and domains; + I'm staying now in lodgings, while + They're doing up the--well--the drains,-- + For they began to give offence + At my Official Residence. + + And, when I entertain at home, + I hardly ever fail to please, + The "upper tens" alone may come + To join in my "recherché" teas; + I am a King in ev'ry sense + At my Official Residence. + + My dances, on a parquet floor, + My royal dinners, which consist + Of fifteen courses, sometimes more, + Are things that are not lightly missed; + In fact I do not spare expense + At my Official Residence. + + My hospitality to those + Whom I invite to come and stay + Is famed; my wine like water flows, + Exactly like, some people say, + But this is mere impertinence + At my Official Residence. + + When through the streets I walk about + My subjects stand and kiss their hands, + Raise a refined metallic shout, + Wave flags and warble tunes on bands, + While bunting hangs on ev'ry front,-- + With my commands to let it bunt. + + When I come home again, of course, + Retainers are employed to cheer, + My paid domestics get quite hoarse + Acclaiming me, and you can hear + The welkin ringing to the sky,-- + Aye, aye, and let it welk, say I! + + And yet, in spite of this, there are + Some persons who, at diff'rent times, + --(Because I am so popular)-- + Accuse me of most awful crimes; + A girl once said I was a flirt! + Oh my! how the expression hurt! + + I _never_ flirted in the least, + Never for very long, I mean,-- + Ask any lady (now deceased) + Who partner of my life has been;-- + Oh well, of course, sometimes, perhaps, + I meet a girl, like other chaps. + + And, if I like her very much, + And if she cares for me a bit, + Where is the harm of look or touch + If neither of us mentions it? + It isn't right, I don't suppose, + But no one's hurt if no one knows! + + And, if I placed my hand below + Her chin and raised her face an inch, + And then proceeded--well, you know,-- + (Excuse the vulgarism)--to clinch; + It would be wrong without a doubt, + That is, if anyone found out. + + But then, remember, Life is short + And Woman's Arts are very long, + And sometimes when one didn't ought + One knowingly commits a wrong; + Well--speaking for myself, of course, + I almost always feel remorse. + + One should not break one's self _too_ fast + Of little habits of this sort, + Which may be definitely classed + With gambling or a taste for port; + They should be _slowly_ dropped, until + The Heart is subject to the Will. + + I knew a man on Seventh Street + Who, at a very slight expense, + By persevering, was complete- + Ly cured of total abstinence; + An altered life he has begun + And takes a horn with anyone. + + I knew another man whose wife + Was an invet'rate suicide, + She daily strove to take her life + And (naturally) nearly died; + But some such system she essayed, + And now she's eighty in the shade. + + Ah, the new leaves I try to turn, + But, like so many men in town, + I seem, as with regret I learn, + Merely to turn the corner down; + A habit which I fear, alack! + Makes it more easy to turn back. + + I have been criticised a lot; + I venture to enquire what for; + Because, forsooth, I have not got + The instincts of a bachelor! + Just hear my story, you will find + How grossly I have been maligned. + + I was unlucky with my wives, + So are the most of married men; + Undoubtedly they lost their lives,-- + Of course, but even so, what then? + I loved them dearly, understand, + And I _can_ love, to beat the band. + + My first was little Emmeline, + More beautiful than day was she; + Her proud, aristocratic mien + Was what at once attracted me. + I naturally did not know + That I should soon dislike her so. + + But there it was! And you'll infer + I had not very long to wait + Before my red-hot love for her + Turned to unutterable hate. + So, when this state of things I found, + I naturally had her drowned. + + My next was Sarah, sweet but shy, + And quite inordinately meek; + Yes, even now I wonder why + I had her hanged within the week. + Perhaps I felt a bit upset, + Or else she bored me, I forget. + + Then came Evangeline, my third, + And, when I chanced to be away, + She, so I subsequently heard, + Was wont (I deeply grieve to say) + With my small retinue to flirt. + I strangled her. I hope it hurt. + + Isabel was, I think, my next,-- + (That is, if I remember right)-- + And I was really very vexed + To find her hair come off at night; + To falsehood I could not connive, + And so I had her boiled alive. + + Then came Sophia, I believe, + Her coiffure was at least her own, + Alas! she fancied to deceive + Her friends by altering its tone. + She dyed her locks a flaming red! + I suffocated her in bed. + + Susannah Maud was number six; + But she did not survive a day; + Poor Sue, she had no parlour tricks + And hardly anything to say. + A little strychnine in her tea + Finished her off, and I was free. + + Yet I did not despair, and soon! + In spite of failures, started off + Upon my seventh honeymoon + With Jane; but could not stand her cough. + 'Twas chronic. Kindness was in vain. + I pushed her underneath the train. + + Well, after her, I married Kate. + A most unpleasant woman. Oh! + I caught her at the garden gate + Kissing a man I didn't know; + And, as that didn't suit me quite, + I blew her up with dynamite. + + Most married men, so sorely tried + As this, would have been rather bored. + Not I, but chose another bride + And married Ruth. Alas! she snored! + I served her just the same as Kate, + And so she joined the other eight. + + My last was Grace; I am not clear, + I _think_ she didn't like me much; + She used to scream when I came near, + And shuddered at my lightest touch. + She seemed to wish to keep aloof, + And so I threw her off the roof. + + This is the point I wish to make:-- + From all the wives for whom I grieve, + Whose lives I had perforce to take, + Not one complaint did I receive; + And no expense was spared to please + My spouses at their obsequies. + + My habits, I would have you know, + Are perfect, as they've always been; + You ask if I am good, and go + To church, and keep my fingers clean? + I do, I mean to say I am, + I have the morals of a lamb. + + In my domains there is no sin, + Virtue is rampant all the time, + Since I so thoughtfully brought in + A bill which legalizes crime; + Committing things that are not wrong + Must pall before so very long. + + And if what you imagine vice + Is not considered so at all, + Crime doesn't seem the least bit nice, + There's no temptation then to fall; + For half the charm of things we do + Is knowing that we oughtn't to. + + Believe me, then, I am not bad, + Though in my youth I had to trek + Because I happened to have had + Some difficulties with a cheque. + What forgery in some might be + Is absentmindedness in me! + + I know that I was much abused, + No doubt when I was young and rash, + But I should not have been accused + Of misappropriating cash. + I may have sneaked a silver dish;-- + Well, you may search me if you wish! + + So, now you see me, more or less, + As I would figure in your thoughts; + A trifle given to excess + And prone perhaps to vice of sorts; + When tempted, rather apt to fall, + But still--a good chap after all! + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Cat + +(_Advice to the Young_) + + + My children, you should imitate + The harmless, necessary cat, + Who eats whatever's on his plate, + And doesn't even leave the fat; + Who never stays in bed too late, + Or does immoral things like that; + Instead of saying "Shan't!" or "Bosh!" + He'll sit and wash, and wash, and wash! + + When shadows fall and lights grow dim + He sits beneath the kitchen stair; + Regardless as to life and limb, + A simple couch he chooses there; + And if you tumble over him, + He simply loves to hear you swear. + And, while bad language _you_ prefer, + He'll sit and purr, and purr, and purr! + +[Illustration: _The Cat._] + + + + +The Children's "Don't" + + + _DON'T_ tell Papa his nose is red + As any rosebud or geranium, + Forbear to eye his hairless head + Or criticise his cootlike cranium; + 'Tis years of sorrow and of care + Have made his head come through his hair. + + _Don't_ give your endless guinea-pig + (Wherein that animal may build a + Sufficient nest) the Sunday wig + Of poor, dear, dull, deaf Aunt Matilda. + Oh, _don't_ tie strings across her path, + Or empty beetles in her bath! + + _Don't_ ask your uncle why he's fat; + Avoid upon his toe-joints treading; + _Don't_ hide a hedgehog in his hat, + Or bury bushes in his bedding. + He will not see the slightest sport + In pepper put into his port! + + _Don't_ pull away the cherished chair + On which Mamma intended sitting, + Nor yet prepare her session there + By setting on the seat her knitting; + Pause ere you hurt her spine, I pray-- + That is a game that _two_ can play. + + My children, never, never steal! + To know their offspring is a thief + Will often make a father feel + Annoyed and cause a mother grief; + So never steal, but, when you do, + Be sure there's no one watching you. + +[Illustration: "Don't _hide a hedgehog in his hat._"] + + Perhaps you have a turn for what + Is known as "misappropriation," + Attractions this has doubtless got + For persons of a certain station, + But prevalent 'twill never be + Among the aristocracy. + + Of course, suppose you want a thing + (The owner's absent), and you borrow + A ruby ring; you mean to bring + Your friend his trinket back to-morrow + Meanwhile you have the stones reset, + Lest he forget! Lest he forget! + + And if some rude detective's hand + Should find beneath your cloak a roll + Of muslin, or a cruet-stand + That's labelled "Hotel Metropole," + With kindly smile you hand them back, + A harmless Kleptomaniac! + + * * * * * + + Don't tell a lie! Some men I've known + Commit the most appalling acts, + Because they happen to be prone + To an economy of facts; + And if _to lie_ is bad, no doubt + 'Tis even worse _to get found out_! + + * * * * * + + Don't take the life of any one, + However horrid he may be; + That sort of thing is never done, + Not in the best society, + Where even parricide is thought + A most unfilial kind of sport. + + Among the "Upper Ten" to-day, + It is considered want of tact + To slay one's kith and kin, and may + Be classed as an "unfriendly act." + Oh, yes, of course I know that this + Is merely public prejudice. + +[Illustration: "_Or empty beetles in her bath!_"] + + But ever since the world began, + Howe'er well meant his motives are, + The man who slays his fellow man + Is never really popular, + Whether he sins from love of crime, + Or merely just to pass the time. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Envoi + + + SPEED, Ruthless Rhymes; throughout the land + Disperse yourselves with patient zeal! + Go, perch upon the Critic's hand, + Just after he has had a meal. + But should he still unkindly be, + Unperch and hasten back to me. + + And, wheresoever you may roam, + Remember the secluded shelf + (Where, sitting in his Heartless Home, + The author chortles to himself), + There, in the distant by-and-bye, + You still may flutter back--to die. + +[Illustration] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, by +Col. D. Streamer + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RUTHLESS RHYMES--HEARTLESS HOMES *** + +***** This file should be named 35051-8.txt or 35051-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/0/5/35051/ + +Produced by Mark C. Orton and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was +produced from scanned images of public domain material +from the Google Print project.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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D. Streamer (Harry Graham). + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + + p {margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + text-indent: 1.25em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + img {border: 0;} + .tnote {border: dashed 1px; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} + ins {text-decoration:none; border-bottom: thin dotted gray;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + .copyright {text-align: center; font-size: 70%;} + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: justify;} + + .bbox {border: solid 2px; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} + .small {font-size: 70%;} + .big {font-size: 110%;} + .author {font-size: 120%; text-align: center;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .chaptertitle {text-align: center; font-size: 110%; font-weight: bold;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold; font-size: 90%;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .unindent {margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + .right {text-align: right;} + .poem {margin-left: 30%; text-align: left;} + .poem2 {margin-left: 15%; text-align: left;} + .sig {margin-right: 10%; text-align: right;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align:baseline; + position: relative; + bottom: 0.33em; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + .hang1 {text-indent: -3em; margin-left: 3em;} + .cap:first-letter {float: left; clear: left; margin: -0.2em 0.1em 0; margin-top: 0%; + padding: 0; line-height: .75em; font-size: 300%; text-align: justify;} + .cap {text-align: justify;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, by Col. D. Streamer + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes + +Author: Col. D. Streamer + +Release Date: January 24, 2011 [EBook #35051] +[Last updated: September 21, 2011] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RUTHLESS RHYMES--HEARTLESS HOMES *** + + + + +Produced by Mark C. Orton and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was +produced from scanned images of public domain material +from the Google Print project.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + + +<h1>Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes</h1> + +<h3>By</h3> +<h2>Col. D. Streamer (Harry Graham)</h2> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 358px;"> +<img src="images/illus-001.jpg" width="358" height="475" alt="I was unlucky with my wives" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class='poem'> +"<i>I was unlucky with my wives,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">So are the most of married men;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Undoubtedly they lost their lives,—"</span></i><br /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1>RUTHLESS<br /> +RHYMES <i>for</i><br /> +Heartless Homes</h1> + +<div class='author'>By Col. <span class="smcap">D. Streamer</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 176px;"> +<img src="images/illus-002.png" width="176" height="150" alt="House" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class='center'><br /><br /> +<span class='small'>New York</span><br /> +R. H. RUSSELL<br /> +<span class='small'>1902</span><br /> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class='copyright'> +<i>Copyright, 1901, by Robert Howard Russell</i><br /> +<i>Second impression, December, 1902</i><br /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Dedicated to P. P.</h2> + +<div class='center'>("<i>Qui connait son sourire a connu le parfait.</i>")<br /><br /></div> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +I NEED no Comments of the Press,<br /> +No critic's cursory caress,<br /> +No paragraphs my book to bless<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With praise, or ban with curses,</span><br /> +So long as You, for whom I write,<br /> +Whose single notice I invite,<br /> +Are still sufficiently polite<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To smile upon my verses.</span><br /> +<br /> +If You should seek for Ruthless Rhymes<br /> +(In memory of Western climes),<br /> +And, for the sake of olden times,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Obtain this new edition,</span><br /> +You must not be surprised a bit,<br /> +Nor even deem the act unfit,<br /> +That I have dedicated it<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To You, without permission.</span><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class='right'><br /> +P. T. O.<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a><br /><br /> +</div> + +<div class='poem'> +And if You chance to ask me why,<br /> +It is sufficient, I reply,<br /> +That You are You, and I am I,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To put the matter briefly.</span><br /> +That I should dedicate to You<br /> +Can only interest us two;<br /> +The fact remains, then, that I do,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Because I want to—chiefly.</span><br /> +<br /> +And if these verses can beguile<br /> +From those grey eyes of yours a smile,<br /> +You will have made it well worth while<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To seek your approbation;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">No further meed</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Of praise they need,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But must succeed,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And do indeed,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">If they but lead</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">You on to read</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Beyond the Dedication.</span><br /><br /> +<div class='sig'> +<span style="margin-right: 12em;">1901. H. G.</span><br /> +</div></div> + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Author's Preface</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +WITH guilty, conscience-stricken tears<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I offer up these rhymes of mine</span><br /> +To children of maturer years<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(From Seventeen to Ninety-nine).</span><br /> +A special solace may they be<br /> +In days of second infancy.<br /> +<br /> +The frenzied mother who observes<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This volume in her offspring's hand,</span><br /> +And trembles for the darling's nerves,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Must please to clearly understand,</span><br /> +If baby suffers by-and-bye<br /> +The Artist is to blame, not <i>I!</i><br /> +<br /> +But should the little brat survive,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And fatten on the Ruthless Rhyme,</span><br /> +To raise a Heartless Home and thrive<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Through a successful life of crime,</span><br /> +The Artist hopes that you will see<br /> +That <i>I</i> am to be thanked, not <i>he!</i><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class='right'><br /> +P. T. O.<a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a><br /><br /> +</div> + +<div class='poem'> +Fond parent, you whose children are<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of tender age (from two to eight),</span><br /> +Pray keep this little volume far<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">From reach of such, and relegate</span><br /> +My verses to an upper shelf,—<br /> +Where you may study them yourself.<br /><br /><br /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 103px;"> +<img src="images/illus-007.png" width="103" height="275" alt="Lily" title="" /> +<br /><br /><br /></div> + +<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means please turn over. This is +retained in the text although the instruction is not necessary.</p></div> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 243px;"> +<img src="images/illus-009.jpg" width="243" height="475" alt=""He had such good cigars."" title="" /> +<span class="caption">"<i>He had</i> such <i>good cigars.</i>"</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> + +<h2>Uncle Joe</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +AN Angel bore dear Uncle Joe<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To rest beyond the stars.</span><br /> +I miss him, oh! I miss him so,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He had <i>such</i> good cigars.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 125px;"> +<img src="images/illus-010.png" width="125" height="47" alt="Blackbirds in a row" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> +<h2>Impetuous Samuel</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +SAM had spirits naught could check,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And to-day, at breakfast, he</span><br /> +Broke his baby sister's neck,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So he shan't have jam for tea!</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65px;"> +<img src="images/illus-011.png" width="65" height="200" alt="flower" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> +<h2>Inconsiderate Hannah</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +NAUGHTY little Hannah said<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She could make her grandma whistle,</span><br /> +So, that night, inside her bed<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Placed some nettles and a thistle.</span><br /> +<br /> +Though dear grandma quite infirm is,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Heartless Hannah watched her settle,</span><br /> +With her poor old epidermis<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Resting up against a nettle.</span><br /> +<br /> +Suddenly she reached the thistle!<br /> +My! you should have heard her whistle!<br /> +</div></div> + +<div class='center'><b>. . . . . . .</b></div> + +<div class='poem'> +A successful plan was Hannah's,<br /> +But I cannot praise her manners.<br /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span></p> +<h2>Aunt Eliza</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +IN the drinking-well<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Which the plumber built her)</span><br /> +Aunt Eliza fell,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We must buy a filter.</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 104px;"> +<img src="images/illus-013.png" width="104" height="175" alt="Unusual flower" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> +<h2>Self-Sacrifice</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +FATHER, chancing to chastise<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His indignant daughter Sue,</span><br /> +Said, "I hope you realize<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That this hurts me more than you."</span><br /> +<br /> +Susan straightway ceased to roar.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"If that's really true," said she,</span><br /> +"I can stand a good deal more;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Pray go on, and don't mind me."</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 212px;"> +<img src="images/illus-014.png" width="212" height="200" alt="Peacock" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> +<h2>La Course Interrompue</h2> + + +<div class='center'>I.</div> + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +JEAN qui allait a Dijon<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Il montait en bicyclette)</span><br /> +Rencontra un gros lion<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Qui se faisait la toilette.</span><br /> +</div></div> + + +<div class='center'><br />II.</div> + +<div class='poem'> +Voila Jean qui tombe a terre<br /> +Et le lion le digère!<br /> +</div> + +<div class='center'><b>. . . . .</b></div> + + +<div class='poem'> +Mon Dieu! Que c'est embêtant!<br /> +Il me devait quatre francs.<br /><br /><br /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 144px;"> +<img src="images/illus-015.png" width="144" height="122" alt="Ladybug" title="" /> +</div> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 267px;"> +<img src="images/illus-017.jpg" width="267" height="475" alt="John had on some clothes of mine;" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class='poem'> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"<i>John had on some clothes of mine;</i></span><br /> +<i>I can almost see them shrinking</i><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Washed repeatedly in brine.</i>"</span><br /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> +<h2>John</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +JOHN, across the broad Atlantic,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Tried to navigate a barque,</span><br /> +But he met an unromantic<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And extremely hungry shark.</span><br /> +<br /> +John (I blame his childhood's teachers)<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Thought to treat this as a lark,</span><br /> +Ignorant of how these creatures<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Do delight to bite a barque.</span><br /> +<br /> +Said "This animal's a bore!" and,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With a scornful sort of grin,</span><br /> +Handled an adjacent oar and<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Chucked it underneath the chin.</span><br /> +<br /> +At this unexpected juncture<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which he had not reckoned on,</span><br /> +Mr. Shark he made a puncture<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">In the barque—and then in John.</span><br /> +<br /> +Sad am I, and sore at thinking<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">John had on some clothes of mine;</span><br /> +I can almost see them shrinking,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Washed repeatedly in brine.</span><br /> +<br /> +I shall never cease regretting<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That I lent my hat to him,</span><br /> +For I fear a thorough wetting<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Cannot well improve the brim.</span><br /> +<br /> +Oh! to know a shark is browsing,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Boldly, blandly on my boots!</span><br /> +Coldly, cruelly carousing<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On the choicest of my suits!</span><br /> +<br /> +Creatures I regard with loathing<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who can calmly take their fill</span><br /> +Of one's Jæger underclothing:—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Down, my aching heart, be still!</span><br /> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> +<h2>The Fond Father</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +OF Baby I was very fond,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She'd won her father's heart;</span><br /> +So, when she fell into the pond,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It gave me quite a start.</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 110px;"> +<img src="images/illus-020.png" width="110" height="192" alt="Flowers" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p> +<h2>Necessity</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +LATE last night I slew my wife,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Stretched her on the parquet flooring;</span><br /> +I was loath to take her life,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But I <i>had</i> to stop her snoring.</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 153px;"> +<img src="images/illus-021.png" width="153" height="243" alt="Man in stocks" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> +<h2>Unselfishness</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +ALL those who see my children say,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"What sweet, what kind, what charming elves!"</span><br /> +They are so thoughtful, too, for they<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are <i>always</i> thinking of themselves.</span><br /> +It must be ages since I ceased<br /> +To wonder which I liked the least.<br /> +<br /> +Such is their generosity,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That, when the roof began to fall,</span><br /> +They would not share the risk with me,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But said, "No, father, take it all!"</span><br /> +Yet I should love them more, I know,<br /> +If I did not dislike them so.<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 432px;"> +<img src="images/illus-022.png" width="432" height="110" alt="Lizard" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> +<h2>Scorching John</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +JOHN, who rode his Dunlop tire<br /> +O'er the head of sweet Maria,<br /> +When she writhed in frightful pain,<br /> +Had to blow it out again.<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 158px;"> +<img src="images/illus-023.png" width="158" height="234" alt="Fruit" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> +<h2>Misfortunes Never Come Singly</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +MAKING toast at the fireside,<br /> +Nurse fell in the grate and died;<br /> +And, what makes it ten times worse,<br /> +All the toast was burned <i>with</i> nurse.<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 110px;"> +<img src="images/illus-024.png" width="110" height="266" alt="Scissors" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p> +<h2>The Perils of Obesity</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +YESTERDAY my gun exploded<br /> +When I thought it wasn't loaded;<br /> +Near my wife I pressed the trigger,<br /> +Chipped a fragment off her figure;<br /> +'Course I'm sorry, and all that,<br /> +But she shouldn't be so fat.<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 237px;"> +<img src="images/illus-025.png" width="237" height="115" alt="Bee" title="" /> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 298px;"> +<img src="images/illus-027.jpg" width="298" height="490" alt="The room grows chilly" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class='poem'> +"<i>Now, although the room grows chilly,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy."</span></i><br /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> +<h2>Tender-Heartedness</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +BILLY, in one of his nice new sashes,<br /> +Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;<br /> +Now, although the room grows chilly,<br /> +I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 478px;"> +<img src="images/illus-028.png" width="478" height="122" alt="ducks facing each other" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> +<h2>Jim; or, the Deferred Luncheon Party</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +WHEN the line he tried to cross,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The express ran into Jim;</span><br /> +Bitterly I mourn his loss—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I was to have lunched with him.</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 230px;"> +<img src="images/illus-029.png" width="230" height="118" alt="Ducks flying" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> +<h2>Appreciation</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +AUNTIE, did you feel no pain<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Falling from that apple tree?</span><br /> +Will you do it, please, again?<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Cos my friend here didn't see.</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 229px;"> +<img src="images/illus-030.png" width="229" height="176" alt="Goat" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p> +<h2>Baby</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +BABY in the caldron fell,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">See the grief on Mother's brow;</span><br /> +Mother loved her darling well,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Darling's quite hard-boiled by now.</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 220px;"> +<img src="images/illus-031.png" width="220" height="161" alt="Coach" title="" /> +</div> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 384px;"> +<img src="images/illus-033.jpg" width="384" height="625" alt=""Darling's quite hard-boiled by now."" title="" /> +<span class="caption">"<i>Darling's quite hard-boiled by now.</i>"</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> +<h2>Nurse's Mistake</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +NURSE, who peppered baby's face<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(She mistook it for a muffin),</span><br /> +Held her tongue and kept her place,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Laying low and sayin' nuffin'";</span><br /> +Mother, seeing baby blinded,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Said, "Oh, nurse, how absent-minded!"</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 266px;"> +<img src="images/illus-034.png" width="266" height="89" alt="Two ducks flying" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> +<h2>The Stern Parent</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +FATHER heard his Children scream,<br /> +So he threw them in the stream,<br /> +Saying, as he drowned the third,<br /> +"Children should be seen, <i>not</i> heard!"<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 427px;"> +<img src="images/illus-035.png" width="427" height="61" alt="Clarinet" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p> +<h2>"Bluebeard"</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +YES, I am Bluebeard, and my name<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is one that children cannot stand;</span><br /> +Yet once I used to be so tame<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'd eat out of a person's hand;</span><br /> +So gentle was I wont to be<br /> +A Curate might have played with me.<br /> +<br /> +People accord me little praise,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Yet I am not the least alarming;</span><br /> +I can recall, in bygone days,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A maid once said she thought me charming.</span><br /> +She was my friend,—no more I vow,—<br /> +And—she's in an asylum now.<br /> +<br /> +Girls used to clamour for my hand,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Girls I refused in simple dozens;</span><br /> +I said I'd be their brother, and<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">They promised they would be my cousins.</span><br /> +(One, I accepted,—more or less—<br /> +But I've forgotten her address.)<br /> +<br /> +They worried me like anything<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By their proposals ev'ry day,</span><br /> +Until at last I had to ring<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The bell, and have them cleared away;</span><br /> +(I often pondered on the cost<br /> +Of getting them completely lost.)<br /> +<br /> +To share my somewhat lofty rank<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was what they panted for, like mad;</span><br /> +You see my balance at the bank<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was not so small, and, I may add,</span><br /> +A Castle, Gothic and immense,<br /> +Is my Official Residence.<br /> +<br /> +It overlooks a many a mile<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of park, of gardens and domains;</span><br /> +I'm staying now in lodgings, while<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">They're doing up the—well—the drains,—</span><br /> +For they began to give offence<br /> +At my Official Residence.<br /> +<br /> +And, when I entertain at home,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I hardly ever fail to please,</span><br /> +The "upper tens" alone may come<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To join in my "recherché" teas;</span><br /> +I am a King in ev'ry sense<br /> +At my Official Residence.<br /> +<br /> +My dances, on a parquet floor,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My royal dinners, which consist</span><br /> +Of fifteen courses, sometimes more,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are things that are not lightly missed;</span><br /> +In fact I do not spare expense<br /> +At my Official Residence.<br /> +<br /> +My hospitality to those<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whom I invite to come and stay</span><br /> +Is famed; my wine like water flows,<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Exactly like, some people say,</span><br /> +But this is mere impertinence<br /> +At my Official Residence.<br /> +<br /> +When through the streets I walk about<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My subjects stand and kiss their hands,</span><br /> +Raise a refined metallic shout,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wave flags and warble tunes on bands,</span><br /> +While bunting hangs on ev'ry front,—<br /> +With my commands to let it bunt.<br /> +<br /> +When I come home again, of course,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Retainers are employed to cheer,</span><br /> +My paid domestics get quite hoarse<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Acclaiming me, and you can hear</span><br /> +The welkin ringing to the sky,—<br /> +Aye, aye, and let it welk, say I!<br /> +<br /> +And yet, in spite of this, there are<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Some persons who, at diff'rent times,</span><br /> +—(Because I am so popular)—<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Accuse me of most awful crimes;</span><br /> +A girl once said I was a flirt!<br /> +Oh my! how the expression hurt!<br /> +<br /> +I <i>never</i> flirted in the least,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Never for very long, I mean,—</span><br /> +Ask any lady (now deceased)<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who partner of my life has been;—</span><br /> +Oh well, of course, sometimes, perhaps,<br /> +I meet a girl, like other chaps.<br /> +<br /> +And, if I like her very much,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And if she cares for me a bit,</span><br /> +Where is the harm of look or touch<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">If neither of us mentions it?</span><br /> +It isn't right, I don't suppose,<br /> +But no one's hurt if no one knows!<br /> +<br /> +And, if I placed my hand below<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Her chin and raised her face an inch,</span><br /> +And then proceeded—well, you know,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Excuse the vulgarism)—to clinch;</span><br /> +It would be wrong without a doubt,<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span>That is, if anyone found out.<br /> +<br /> +But then, remember, Life is short<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And Woman's Arts are very long,</span><br /> +And sometimes when one didn't ought<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">One knowingly commits a wrong;</span><br /> +Well—speaking for myself, of course,<br /> +I almost always feel remorse.<br /> +<br /> +One should not break one's self <i>too</i> fast<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of little habits of this sort,</span><br /> +Which may be definitely classed<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With gambling or a taste for port;</span><br /> +They should be <i>slowly</i> dropped, until<br /> +The Heart is subject to the Will.<br /> +<br /> +I knew a man on Seventh Street<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who, at a very slight expense,</span><br /> +By persevering, was complete-<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ly cured of total abstinence;</span><br /> +An altered life he has begun<br /> +And takes a horn with anyone.<br /> +<br /> +I knew another man whose wife<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was an invet'rate suicide,</span><br /> +She daily strove to take her life<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And (naturally) nearly died;</span><br /> +But some such system she essayed,<br /> +And now she's eighty in the shade.<br /> +<br /> +Ah, the new leaves I try to turn,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, like so many men in town,</span><br /> +I seem, as with regret I learn,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Merely to turn the corner down;</span><br /> +A habit which I fear, alack!<br /> +Makes it more easy to turn back.<br /> +<br /> +I have been criticised a lot;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I venture to enquire what for;</span><br /> +Because, forsooth, I have not got<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The instincts of a bachelor!</span><br /> +Just hear my story, you will find<br /> +How grossly I have been maligned.<br /> +<br /> +I was unlucky with my wives,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So are the most of married men;</span><br /> +Undoubtedly they lost their lives,—<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of course, but even so, what then?</span><br /> +I loved them dearly, understand,<br /> +And I <i>can</i> love, to beat the band.<br /> +<br /> +My first was little Emmeline,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">More beautiful than day was she;</span><br /> +Her proud, aristocratic mien<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was what at once attracted me.</span><br /> +I naturally did not know<br /> +That I should soon dislike her so.<br /> +<br /> +But there it was! And you'll infer<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I had not very long to wait</span><br /> +Before my red-hot love for her<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Turned to unutterable hate.</span><br /> +So, when this state of things I found,<br /> +I naturally had her drowned.<br /> +<br /> +My next was Sarah, sweet but shy,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And quite inordinately meek;</span><br /> +Yes, even now I wonder why<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I had her hanged within the week.</span><br /> +Perhaps I felt a bit upset,<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span>Or else she bored me, I forget.<br /> +<br /> +Then came Evangeline, my third,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, when I chanced to be away,</span><br /> +She, so I subsequently heard,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was wont (I deeply grieve to say)</span><br /> +With my small retinue to flirt.<br /> +I strangled her. I hope it hurt.<br /> +<br /> +Isabel was, I think, my next,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(That is, if I remember right)—</span><br /> +And I was really very vexed<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To find her hair come off at night;</span><br /> +To falsehood I could not connive,<br /> +And so I had her boiled alive.<br /> +<br /> +Then came Sophia, I believe,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Her coiffure was at least her own,</span><br /> +Alas! she fancied to deceive<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Her friends by altering its tone.</span><br /> +She dyed her locks a flaming red!<br /> +I suffocated her in bed.<br /> +<br /> +Susannah Maud was number six;<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">But she did not survive a day;</span><br /> +Poor Sue, she had no parlour tricks<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And hardly anything to say.</span><br /> +A little strychnine in her tea<br /> +Finished her off, and I was free.<br /> +<br /> +Yet I did not despair, and soon!<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In spite of failures, started off</span><br /> +Upon my seventh honeymoon<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With Jane; but could not stand her cough.</span><br /> +'Twas chronic. Kindness was in vain.<br /> +I pushed her underneath the train.<br /> +<br /> +Well, after her, I married Kate.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A most unpleasant woman. Oh!</span><br /> +I caught her at the garden gate<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Kissing a man I didn't know;</span><br /> +And, as that didn't suit me quite,<br /> +I blew her up with dynamite.<br /> +<br /> +Most married men, so sorely tried<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As this, would have been rather bored.</span><br /> +Not I, but chose another bride<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">And married Ruth. Alas! she snored!</span><br /> +I served her just the same as Kate,<br /> +And so she joined the other eight.<br /> +<br /> +My last was Grace; I am not clear,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I <i>think</i> she didn't like me much;</span><br /> +She used to scream when I came near,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And shuddered at my lightest touch.</span><br /> +She seemed to wish to keep aloof,<br /> +And so I threw her off the roof.<br /> +<br /> +This is the point I wish to make:—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">From all the wives for whom I grieve,</span><br /> +Whose lives I had perforce to take,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Not one complaint did I receive;</span><br /> +And no expense was spared to please<br /> +My spouses at their obsequies.<br /> +<br /> +My habits, I would have you know,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are perfect, as they've always been;</span><br /> +You ask if I am good, and go<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To church, and keep my fingers clean?</span><br /> +I do, I mean to say I am,<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span>I have the morals of a lamb.<br /> +<br /> +In my domains there is no sin,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Virtue is rampant all the time,</span><br /> +Since I so thoughtfully brought in<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A bill which legalizes crime;</span><br /> +Committing things that are not wrong<br /> +Must pall before so very long.<br /> +<br /> +And if what you imagine vice<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is not considered so at all,</span><br /> +Crime doesn't seem the least bit nice,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">There's no temptation then to fall;</span><br /> +For half the charm of things we do<br /> +Is knowing that we oughtn't to.<br /> +<br /> +Believe me, then, I am not bad,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Though in my youth I had to trek</span><br /> +Because I happened to have had<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Some difficulties with a cheque.</span><br /> +What forgery in some might be<br /> +Is absentmindedness in me!<br /> +<br /> +I know that I was much abused,<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">No doubt when I was young and rash,</span><br /> +But I should not have been accused<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of misappropriating cash.</span><br /> +I may have sneaked a silver dish;—<br /> +Well, you may search me if you wish!<br /> +<br /> +So, now you see me, more or less,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As I would figure in your thoughts;</span><br /> +A trifle given to excess<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And prone perhaps to vice of sorts;</span><br /> +When tempted, rather apt to fall,<br /> +But still—a good chap after all!<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 170px;"> +<img src="images/illus-048.png" width="170" height="96" alt="Flowers in a basket" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> +<h2>The Cat</h2> + +<div class='center'>(<i>Advice to the Young</i>)<br /><br /></div> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +MY children, you should imitate<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The harmless, necessary cat,</span><br /> +Who eats whatever's on his plate,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And doesn't even leave the fat;</span><br /> +Who never stays in bed too late,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or does immoral things like that;</span><br /> +Instead of saying "Shan't!" or "Bosh!"<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He'll sit and wash, and wash, and wash!</span><br /> +<br /> +When shadows fall and lights grow dim<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He sits beneath the kitchen stair;</span><br /> +Regardless as to life and limb,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A simple couch he chooses there;</span><br /> +And if you tumble over him,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He simply loves to hear you swear.</span><br /> +And, while bad language <i>you</i> prefer,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He'll sit and purr, and purr, and purr!</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 386px;"> +<img src="images/illus-050.jpg" width="386" height="614" alt="The Cat." title="" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Cat.</i></span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> +<h2>The Children's "Don't"</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +<i>DON'T</i> tell Papa his nose is red<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As any rosebud or geranium,</span><br /> +Forbear to eye his hairless head<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or criticise his cootlike cranium;</span><br /> +'Tis years of sorrow and of care<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Have made his head come through his hair.</span><br /> +<br /> +<i>Don't</i> give your endless guinea-pig<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Wherein that animal may build a</span><br /> +Sufficient nest) the Sunday wig<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of poor, dear, dull, deaf Aunt Matilda.</span><br /> +Oh, <i>don't</i> tie strings across her path,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or empty beetles in her bath!</span><br /> +<br /> +<i>Don't</i> ask your uncle why he's fat;<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Avoid upon his toe-joints treading;</span><br /> +<i>Don't</i> hide a hedgehog in his hat,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or bury bushes in his bedding.</span><br /> +He will not see the slightest sport<br /> +In pepper put into his port!<br /> +<br /> +<i>Don't</i> pull away the cherished chair<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On which Mamma intended sitting,</span><br /> +Nor yet prepare her session there<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By setting on the seat her knitting;</span><br /> +Pause ere you hurt her spine, I pray—<br /> +That is a game that <i>two</i> can play.<br /> +<br /> +My children, never, never steal!<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To know their offspring is a thief</span><br /> +Will often make a father feel<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Annoyed and cause a mother grief;</span><br /> +So never steal, but, when you do,<br /> +Be sure there's no one watching you.<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 431px;"> +<img src="images/illus-054.jpg" width="431" height="592" alt=""Don't hide a hedgehog in his hat."" title="" /> +<span class="caption">"Don't <i>hide a hedgehog in his hat.</i>"</span> +</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> + +<div class='poem'> +<br />Perhaps you have a turn for what<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is known as "misappropriation,"</span><br /> +Attractions this has doubtless got<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For persons of a certain station,</span><br /> +But prevalent 'twill never be<br /> +Among the aristocracy.<br /> +<br /> +Of course, suppose you want a thing<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(The owner's absent), and you borrow</span><br /> +A ruby ring; you mean to bring<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your friend his trinket back to-morrow</span><br /> +Meanwhile you have the stones reset,<br /> +Lest he forget! Lest he forget!<br /> +<br /> +And if some rude detective's hand<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Should find beneath your cloak a roll</span><br /> +Of muslin, or a cruet-stand<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That's labelled "Hotel Metropole,"</span><br /> +With kindly smile you hand them back,<br /> +A harmless Kleptomaniac!<br /> +</div> +<div class='center'><b>. . . . .</b></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> + +<div class='poem'> +Don't tell a lie! Some men I've known<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Commit the most appalling acts,</span><br /> +Because they happen to be prone<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To an economy of facts;</span><br /> +And if <i>to lie</i> is bad, no doubt<br /> +'Tis even worse <i>to get found out!</i><br /> +</div> + +<div class='center'><b>. . . . .</b></div> + + +<div class='poem'> +Don't take the life of any one,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">However horrid he may be;</span><br /> +That sort of thing is never done,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Not in the best society,</span><br /> +Where even parricide is thought<br /> +A most unfilial kind of sport.<br /> +<br /> +Among the "Upper Ten" to-day,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It is considered want of tact</span><br /> +To slay one's kith and kin, and may<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Be classed as an "unfriendly act."</span><br /> +Oh, yes, of course I know that this<br /> +Is merely public prejudice.<br /><br /><br /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 337px;"> +<img src="images/illus-058.jpg" width="337" height="600" alt=""Or empty beetles in her bath!"" title="" /> +<span class="caption">"<i>Or empty beetles in her bath!</i>"</span> +</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> + +<div class='poem'> +<br /> +But ever since the world began,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Howe'er well meant his motives are,</span><br /> +The man who slays his fellow man<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is never really popular,</span><br /> +Whether he sins from love of crime,<br /> +Or merely just to pass the time.<br /><br /><br /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 432px;"> +<img src="images/illus-022.png" width="432" height="110" alt="Lizard" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p> +<h2>Envoi</h2> + + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +SPEED, Ruthless Rhymes; throughout the land<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Disperse yourselves with patient zeal!</span><br /> +Go, perch upon the Critic's hand,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Just after he has had a meal.</span><br /> +But should he still unkindly be,<br /> +Unperch and hasten back to me.<br /> +<br /> +And, wheresoever you may roam,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Remember the secluded shelf</span><br /> +(Where, sitting in his Heartless Home,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The author chortles to himself),</span><br /> +There, in the distant by-and-bye,<br /> +You still may flutter back—to die.<br /><br /><br /> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 170px;"> +<img src="images/illus-048.png" width="170" height="96" alt="Flowers in a basket" title="" /> +</div> + + + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, by +Col. 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D. Streamer + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes + +Author: Col. D. Streamer + +Release Date: January 24, 2011 [EBook #35051] +[Last updated: September 21, 2011] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RUTHLESS RHYMES--HEARTLESS HOMES *** + + + + +Produced by Mark C. Orton and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was +produced from scanned images of public domain material +from the Google Print project.) + + + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: + + "_I was unlucky with my wives, + So are the most of married men; + Undoubtedly they lost their lives,--_"] + + + + +RUTHLESS RHYMES _for_ Heartless Homes + +By Col. D. STREAMER + +[Illustration] + + New York + R. H. RUSSELL + 1902 + + + + + _Copyright, 1901, by Robert Howard Russell_ + _Second impression, December, 1902_ + + + + +Dedicated to P. P. + +("_Qui connait son sourire a connu le parfait._") + + + I NEED no Comments of the Press, + No critic's cursory caress, + No paragraphs my book to bless + With praise, or ban with curses, + So long as You, for whom I write, + Whose single notice I invite, + Are still sufficiently polite + To smile upon my verses. + + If You should seek for Ruthless Rhymes + (In memory of Western climes), + And, for the sake of olden times, + Obtain this new edition, + You must not be surprised a bit, + Nor even deem the act unfit, + That I have dedicated it + To You, without permission. + + P. T. O.[1] + + And if You chance to ask me why, + It is sufficient, I reply, + That You are You, and I am I,-- + To put the matter briefly. + That I should dedicate to You + Can only interest us two; + The fact remains, then, that I do, + Because I want to--chiefly. + + And if these verses can beguile + From those grey eyes of yours a smile, + You will have made it well worth while + To seek your approbation; + No further meed + Of praise they need, + But must succeed, + And do indeed, + If they but lead + You on to read + Beyond the Dedication. + + 1901. H. G. + + + + +Author's Preface + + + WITH guilty, conscience-stricken tears + I offer up these rhymes of mine + To children of maturer years + (From Seventeen to Ninety-nine). + A special solace may they be + In days of second infancy. + + The frenzied mother who observes + This volume in her offspring's hand, + And trembles for the darling's nerves, + Must please to clearly understand, + If baby suffers by-and-bye + The Artist is to blame, not _I_! + + But should the little brat survive, + And fatten on the Ruthless Rhyme, + To raise a Heartless Home and thrive + Through a successful life of crime, + The Artist hopes that you will see + That _I_ am to be thanked, not _he_! + + P. T. O.[1] + + Fond parent, you whose children are + Of tender age (from two to eight), + Pray keep this little volume far + From reach of such, and relegate + My verses to an upper shelf,-- + Where you may study them yourself. + +[Illustration] + + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means Please Turn Over. This is retained +in the text although the instruction is obviously not necessary. + + + + +[Illustration: "_He had _such_ good cigars._"] + + + +Uncle Joe + + + AN Angel bore dear Uncle Joe + To rest beyond the stars. + I miss him, oh! I miss him so,-- + He had _such_ good cigars. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Impetuous Samuel + + + SAM had spirits naught could check, + And to-day, at breakfast, he + Broke his baby sister's neck, + So he shan't have jam for tea! + +[Illustration] + + + + +Inconsiderate Hannah + + + NAUGHTY little Hannah said + She could make her grandma whistle, + So, that night, inside her bed + Placed some nettles and a thistle. + + Though dear grandma quite infirm is, + Heartless Hannah watched her settle, + With her poor old epidermis + Resting up against a nettle. + + Suddenly she reached the thistle! + My! you should have heard her whistle! + + * * * * * + + A successful plan was Hannah's, + But I cannot praise her manners. + + + + +Aunt Eliza + + + IN the drinking-well + (Which the plumber built her) + Aunt Eliza fell,-- + We must buy a filter. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Self-Sacrifice + + + FATHER, chancing to chastise + His indignant daughter Sue, + Said, "I hope you realize + That this hurts me more than you." + + Susan straightway ceased to roar. + "If that's really true," said she, + "I can stand a good deal more; + Pray go on, and don't mind me." + +[Illustration] + + + + +La Course Interrompue + + +I. + + JEAN qui allait a Dijon + (Il montait en bicyclette) + Rencontra un gros lion + Qui se faisait la toilette. + + +II. + + Voila Jean qui tombe a terre + Et le lion le digere! + + * * * * * + + Mon Dieu! Que c'est embetant! + Il me devait quatre francs. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: + + "_John had on some clothes of mine; + I can almost see them shrinking + Washed repeatedly in brine._"] + + + + +John + + + JOHN, across the broad Atlantic, + Tried to navigate a barque, + But he met an unromantic + And extremely hungry shark. + + John (I blame his childhood's teachers) + Thought to treat this as a lark, + Ignorant of how these creatures + Do delight to bite a barque. + + Said "This animal's a bore!" and, + With a scornful sort of grin, + Handled an adjacent oar and + Chucked it underneath the chin. + + At this unexpected juncture + Which he had not reckoned on, + Mr. Shark he made a puncture + In the barque--and then in John. + + Sad am I, and sore at thinking + John had on some clothes of mine; + I can almost see them shrinking, + Washed repeatedly in brine. + + I shall never cease regretting + That I lent my hat to him, + For I fear a thorough wetting + Cannot well improve the brim. + + Oh! to know a shark is browsing, + Boldly, blandly on my boots! + Coldly, cruelly carousing + On the choicest of my suits! + + Creatures I regard with loathing + Who can calmly take their fill + Of one's Jaeger underclothing:-- + Down, my aching heart, be still! + + + + +The Fond Father + + + OF Baby I was very fond, + She'd won her father's heart; + So, when she fell into the pond, + It gave me quite a start. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Necessity + + + LATE last night I slew my wife, + Stretched her on the parquet flooring; + I was loath to take her life, + But I _had_ to stop her snoring. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Unselfishness + + + ALL those who see my children say, + "What sweet, what kind, what charming elves!" + They are so thoughtful, too, for they + Are _always_ thinking of themselves. + It must be ages since I ceased + To wonder which I liked the least. + + Such is their generosity, + That, when the roof began to fall, + They would not share the risk with me, + But said, "No, father, take it all!" + Yet I should love them more, I know, + If I did not dislike them so. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Scorching John + + + JOHN, who rode his Dunlop tire + O'er the head of sweet Maria, + When she writhed in frightful pain, + Had to blow it out again. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Misfortunes Never Come Singly + + + MAKING toast at the fireside, + Nurse fell in the grate and died; + And, what makes it ten times worse, + All the toast was burned _with_ nurse. + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Perils of Obesity + + + YESTERDAY my gun exploded + When I thought it wasn't loaded; + Near my wife I pressed the trigger, + Chipped a fragment off her figure; + 'Course I'm sorry, and all that, + But she shouldn't be so fat. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: + + "_Now, although the room grows chilly, + I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy._"] + + + + +Tender-Heartedness + + + BILLY, in one of his nice new sashes, + Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes; + Now, although the room grows chilly, + I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Jim; or, the Deferred Luncheon Party + + + WHEN the line he tried to cross, + The express ran into Jim; + Bitterly I mourn his loss-- + I was to have lunched with him. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Appreciation + + + AUNTIE, did you feel no pain + Falling from that apple tree? + Will you do it, please, again? + 'Cos my friend here didn't see. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Baby + + + BABY in the caldron fell,-- + See the grief on Mother's brow; + Mother loved her darling well,-- + Darling's quite hard-boiled by now. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: "_Darling's quite hard-boiled by now._"] + + + + +Nurse's Mistake + + + NURSE, who peppered baby's face + (She mistook it for a muffin), + Held her tongue and kept her place, + "Laying low and sayin' nuffin'"; + Mother, seeing baby blinded, + Said, "Oh, nurse, how absent-minded!" + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Stern Parent + + + FATHER heard his Children scream, + So he threw them in the stream, + Saying, as he drowned the third, + "Children should be seen, _not_ heard!" + +[Illustration] + + + + +"Bluebeard" + + + YES, I am Bluebeard, and my name + Is one that children cannot stand; + Yet once I used to be so tame + I'd eat out of a person's hand; + So gentle was I wont to be + A Curate might have played with me. + + People accord me little praise, + Yet I am not the least alarming; + I can recall, in bygone days, + A maid once said she thought me charming. + She was my friend,--no more I vow,-- + And--she's in an asylum now. + + Girls used to clamour for my hand, + Girls I refused in simple dozens; + I said I'd be their brother, and + They promised they would be my cousins. + (One, I accepted,--more or less-- + But I've forgotten her address.) + + They worried me like anything + By their proposals ev'ry day, + Until at last I had to ring + The bell, and have them cleared away; + (I often pondered on the cost + Of getting them completely lost.) + + To share my somewhat lofty rank + Was what they panted for, like mad; + You see my balance at the bank + Was not so small, and, I may add, + A Castle, Gothic and immense, + Is my Official Residence. + + It overlooks a many a mile + Of park, of gardens and domains; + I'm staying now in lodgings, while + They're doing up the--well--the drains,-- + For they began to give offence + At my Official Residence. + + And, when I entertain at home, + I hardly ever fail to please, + The "upper tens" alone may come + To join in my "recherche" teas; + I am a King in ev'ry sense + At my Official Residence. + + My dances, on a parquet floor, + My royal dinners, which consist + Of fifteen courses, sometimes more, + Are things that are not lightly missed; + In fact I do not spare expense + At my Official Residence. + + My hospitality to those + Whom I invite to come and stay + Is famed; my wine like water flows, + Exactly like, some people say, + But this is mere impertinence + At my Official Residence. + + When through the streets I walk about + My subjects stand and kiss their hands, + Raise a refined metallic shout, + Wave flags and warble tunes on bands, + While bunting hangs on ev'ry front,-- + With my commands to let it bunt. + + When I come home again, of course, + Retainers are employed to cheer, + My paid domestics get quite hoarse + Acclaiming me, and you can hear + The welkin ringing to the sky,-- + Aye, aye, and let it welk, say I! + + And yet, in spite of this, there are + Some persons who, at diff'rent times, + --(Because I am so popular)-- + Accuse me of most awful crimes; + A girl once said I was a flirt! + Oh my! how the expression hurt! + + I _never_ flirted in the least, + Never for very long, I mean,-- + Ask any lady (now deceased) + Who partner of my life has been;-- + Oh well, of course, sometimes, perhaps, + I meet a girl, like other chaps. + + And, if I like her very much, + And if she cares for me a bit, + Where is the harm of look or touch + If neither of us mentions it? + It isn't right, I don't suppose, + But no one's hurt if no one knows! + + And, if I placed my hand below + Her chin and raised her face an inch, + And then proceeded--well, you know,-- + (Excuse the vulgarism)--to clinch; + It would be wrong without a doubt, + That is, if anyone found out. + + But then, remember, Life is short + And Woman's Arts are very long, + And sometimes when one didn't ought + One knowingly commits a wrong; + Well--speaking for myself, of course, + I almost always feel remorse. + + One should not break one's self _too_ fast + Of little habits of this sort, + Which may be definitely classed + With gambling or a taste for port; + They should be _slowly_ dropped, until + The Heart is subject to the Will. + + I knew a man on Seventh Street + Who, at a very slight expense, + By persevering, was complete- + Ly cured of total abstinence; + An altered life he has begun + And takes a horn with anyone. + + I knew another man whose wife + Was an invet'rate suicide, + She daily strove to take her life + And (naturally) nearly died; + But some such system she essayed, + And now she's eighty in the shade. + + Ah, the new leaves I try to turn, + But, like so many men in town, + I seem, as with regret I learn, + Merely to turn the corner down; + A habit which I fear, alack! + Makes it more easy to turn back. + + I have been criticised a lot; + I venture to enquire what for; + Because, forsooth, I have not got + The instincts of a bachelor! + Just hear my story, you will find + How grossly I have been maligned. + + I was unlucky with my wives, + So are the most of married men; + Undoubtedly they lost their lives,-- + Of course, but even so, what then? + I loved them dearly, understand, + And I _can_ love, to beat the band. + + My first was little Emmeline, + More beautiful than day was she; + Her proud, aristocratic mien + Was what at once attracted me. + I naturally did not know + That I should soon dislike her so. + + But there it was! And you'll infer + I had not very long to wait + Before my red-hot love for her + Turned to unutterable hate. + So, when this state of things I found, + I naturally had her drowned. + + My next was Sarah, sweet but shy, + And quite inordinately meek; + Yes, even now I wonder why + I had her hanged within the week. + Perhaps I felt a bit upset, + Or else she bored me, I forget. + + Then came Evangeline, my third, + And, when I chanced to be away, + She, so I subsequently heard, + Was wont (I deeply grieve to say) + With my small retinue to flirt. + I strangled her. I hope it hurt. + + Isabel was, I think, my next,-- + (That is, if I remember right)-- + And I was really very vexed + To find her hair come off at night; + To falsehood I could not connive, + And so I had her boiled alive. + + Then came Sophia, I believe, + Her coiffure was at least her own, + Alas! she fancied to deceive + Her friends by altering its tone. + She dyed her locks a flaming red! + I suffocated her in bed. + + Susannah Maud was number six; + But she did not survive a day; + Poor Sue, she had no parlour tricks + And hardly anything to say. + A little strychnine in her tea + Finished her off, and I was free. + + Yet I did not despair, and soon! + In spite of failures, started off + Upon my seventh honeymoon + With Jane; but could not stand her cough. + 'Twas chronic. Kindness was in vain. + I pushed her underneath the train. + + Well, after her, I married Kate. + A most unpleasant woman. Oh! + I caught her at the garden gate + Kissing a man I didn't know; + And, as that didn't suit me quite, + I blew her up with dynamite. + + Most married men, so sorely tried + As this, would have been rather bored. + Not I, but chose another bride + And married Ruth. Alas! she snored! + I served her just the same as Kate, + And so she joined the other eight. + + My last was Grace; I am not clear, + I _think_ she didn't like me much; + She used to scream when I came near, + And shuddered at my lightest touch. + She seemed to wish to keep aloof, + And so I threw her off the roof. + + This is the point I wish to make:-- + From all the wives for whom I grieve, + Whose lives I had perforce to take, + Not one complaint did I receive; + And no expense was spared to please + My spouses at their obsequies. + + My habits, I would have you know, + Are perfect, as they've always been; + You ask if I am good, and go + To church, and keep my fingers clean? + I do, I mean to say I am, + I have the morals of a lamb. + + In my domains there is no sin, + Virtue is rampant all the time, + Since I so thoughtfully brought in + A bill which legalizes crime; + Committing things that are not wrong + Must pall before so very long. + + And if what you imagine vice + Is not considered so at all, + Crime doesn't seem the least bit nice, + There's no temptation then to fall; + For half the charm of things we do + Is knowing that we oughtn't to. + + Believe me, then, I am not bad, + Though in my youth I had to trek + Because I happened to have had + Some difficulties with a cheque. + What forgery in some might be + Is absentmindedness in me! + + I know that I was much abused, + No doubt when I was young and rash, + But I should not have been accused + Of misappropriating cash. + I may have sneaked a silver dish;-- + Well, you may search me if you wish! + + So, now you see me, more or less, + As I would figure in your thoughts; + A trifle given to excess + And prone perhaps to vice of sorts; + When tempted, rather apt to fall, + But still--a good chap after all! + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Cat + +(_Advice to the Young_) + + + My children, you should imitate + The harmless, necessary cat, + Who eats whatever's on his plate, + And doesn't even leave the fat; + Who never stays in bed too late, + Or does immoral things like that; + Instead of saying "Shan't!" or "Bosh!" + He'll sit and wash, and wash, and wash! + + When shadows fall and lights grow dim + He sits beneath the kitchen stair; + Regardless as to life and limb, + A simple couch he chooses there; + And if you tumble over him, + He simply loves to hear you swear. + And, while bad language _you_ prefer, + He'll sit and purr, and purr, and purr! + +[Illustration: _The Cat._] + + + + +The Children's "Don't" + + + _DON'T_ tell Papa his nose is red + As any rosebud or geranium, + Forbear to eye his hairless head + Or criticise his cootlike cranium; + 'Tis years of sorrow and of care + Have made his head come through his hair. + + _Don't_ give your endless guinea-pig + (Wherein that animal may build a + Sufficient nest) the Sunday wig + Of poor, dear, dull, deaf Aunt Matilda. + Oh, _don't_ tie strings across her path, + Or empty beetles in her bath! + + _Don't_ ask your uncle why he's fat; + Avoid upon his toe-joints treading; + _Don't_ hide a hedgehog in his hat, + Or bury bushes in his bedding. + He will not see the slightest sport + In pepper put into his port! + + _Don't_ pull away the cherished chair + On which Mamma intended sitting, + Nor yet prepare her session there + By setting on the seat her knitting; + Pause ere you hurt her spine, I pray-- + That is a game that _two_ can play. + + My children, never, never steal! + To know their offspring is a thief + Will often make a father feel + Annoyed and cause a mother grief; + So never steal, but, when you do, + Be sure there's no one watching you. + +[Illustration: "Don't _hide a hedgehog in his hat._"] + + Perhaps you have a turn for what + Is known as "misappropriation," + Attractions this has doubtless got + For persons of a certain station, + But prevalent 'twill never be + Among the aristocracy. + + Of course, suppose you want a thing + (The owner's absent), and you borrow + A ruby ring; you mean to bring + Your friend his trinket back to-morrow + Meanwhile you have the stones reset, + Lest he forget! Lest he forget! + + And if some rude detective's hand + Should find beneath your cloak a roll + Of muslin, or a cruet-stand + That's labelled "Hotel Metropole," + With kindly smile you hand them back, + A harmless Kleptomaniac! + + * * * * * + + Don't tell a lie! Some men I've known + Commit the most appalling acts, + Because they happen to be prone + To an economy of facts; + And if _to lie_ is bad, no doubt + 'Tis even worse _to get found out_! + + * * * * * + + Don't take the life of any one, + However horrid he may be; + That sort of thing is never done, + Not in the best society, + Where even parricide is thought + A most unfilial kind of sport. + + Among the "Upper Ten" to-day, + It is considered want of tact + To slay one's kith and kin, and may + Be classed as an "unfriendly act." + Oh, yes, of course I know that this + Is merely public prejudice. + +[Illustration: "_Or empty beetles in her bath!_"] + + But ever since the world began, + Howe'er well meant his motives are, + The man who slays his fellow man + Is never really popular, + Whether he sins from love of crime, + Or merely just to pass the time. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Envoi + + + SPEED, Ruthless Rhymes; throughout the land + Disperse yourselves with patient zeal! + Go, perch upon the Critic's hand, + Just after he has had a meal. + But should he still unkindly be, + Unperch and hasten back to me. + + And, wheresoever you may roam, + Remember the secluded shelf + (Where, sitting in his Heartless Home, + The author chortles to himself), + There, in the distant by-and-bye, + You still may flutter back--to die. + +[Illustration] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, by +Col. 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