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diff --git a/35027-h/35027-h.htm b/35027-h/35027-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0b28408 --- /dev/null +++ b/35027-h/35027-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4890 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.inset {margin-left: 10%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + div.centered {text-align: center;} /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 1 */ + div.centered table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;} + /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 2 */ + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:35%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right; width: auto;} + .figleft {float: left; width: auto;} + + .img {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;} + .div {margin: 0; padding: 0;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + pre {font-size: 75%; } + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch's Railway Book + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Illustrator: PHIL MAY, + GEORGE DU MAURIER, + CHARLES KEENE, + JOHN LEECH, + SIR JOHN TENNIEL, + E. T. REED, + L. RAVENHILL, + J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, + REGINALD CLEAVER, + AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS + +Release Date: January 21, 2011 [EBook #35027] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<br /> +<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3> + +<center>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original +sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. +The page numbering remains unaltered.</center> +<br /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_cover" id="Page_cover">[Cover]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_cover.png"> +<img src="images/i_cover.png" width="100%" alt="cover" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + +<h1>MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK</h1> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_002b.png"> +<img src="images/i_002b.png" width="100%" alt="Mr P at station" /></a> +</div> + +<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3> + +<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span><br /><br /> + +Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the +cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic +draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its +beginning in 1841 to the present day.</center><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_003.png"> +<img src="images/i_003.png" width="100%" alt="READING BETWEEN THE LINES" /></a> +<h3>"READING BETWEEN THE LINES"</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> + +<h3>MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK</h3> + +<h4><i>WITH 160 ILLUSTRATIONS</i></h4> + +<h4>BY</h4> + +<center>PHIL MAY,<br /> +GEORGE DU MAURIER,<br /> +CHARLES KEENE,<br /> +JOHN LEECH,<br /> +SIR JOHN TENNIEL,<br /> +E. T. REED,<br /> +L. RAVENHILL,<br /> +J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,<br /> +REGINALD CLEAVER,<br /> +AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS<br /> +</center> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_004.png"> +<img src="images/i_004.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<center>PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"</center> + +<h4>THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.</h4> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Punch Library of Humour</span></h3> + +<center><i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated</i><br /><br /> + +LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY<br /> +LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS<br /> +SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br /> +IRISH HUMOUR<br /> +COCKNEY HUMOUR<br /> +IN SOCIETY<br /> +AFTER DINNER STORIES<br /> +IN BOHEMIA<br /> +AT THE PLAY<br /> +MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br /> +ON THE CONTINONG<br /> +RAILWAY BOOK<br /> +AT THE SEASIDE<br /> +MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br /> +IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br /> +MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br /> +WITH ROD AND GUN<br /> +MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br /> +BOOK OF SPORTS<br /> +GOLF STORIES<br /> +IN WIG AND GOWN<br /> +ON THE WARPATH<br /> +BOOK OF LOVE<br /> +WITH THE CHILDREN<br /> +</center><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> + +<h2>A WORD AT STARTING</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_006.png"> +<img src="images/i_006.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Only</span> a few years before <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> began his long and brilliant career +had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come +into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to +undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty +prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally +as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and +pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to +illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present +time <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> has not failed to find in the railway and its +associations "a source of innocent merriment."</p> + +<p>It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of <span class="smcap">Punch</span> +literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways, +and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient +service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the +excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed +to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous +advantages which the present generation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> enjoys in this great matter of +comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> in his +wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and +condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as +ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule +is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these +later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway +system <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from +his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of +presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is +that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier +chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class +Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders +that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable +contrast to the not very distant past.</p> + +<p>To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway +traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it +will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour +has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust +it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things," +literary and pictorial, that have appeared in <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch's</span> pages on the +subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth +upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK</h2> + +<h2>RAILWAY JOKES</h2> + +<center><i>As Played Daily on the Principal Lines</i></center> + +<p><i>Turning Business into Pleasure.</i>—Take a traveller pressed for time, +and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with +another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the +traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train +arrives at the junction, start off the second train <i>en route</i> for Town. +The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will +be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.</p> + +<p><i>The Panic-stricken Passengers.</i>—Allow an express train to arrive at +the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers +will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will +(again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from +the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in +the train, the fun will become fast and furious.</p> + +<p><i>A Lark in the Dark.</i>—Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually +lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop +the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting +off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be +known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already +occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly +improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the +carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication +existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.</p> + +<p><i>A Comical Meal.</i>—On a long journey promise that the train shall stop +at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the +customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station +half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the +refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly +into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately +seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are +once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely +locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for +three-quarters of an hour.</p> + +<p><i>The Strange Companions.</i>—Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a +first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it +with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast +between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the +ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.</p> + +<p><i>A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the +Passengers).</i>—Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of +the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons +against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault. +<i>Verb. sap.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_009.png"> +<img src="images/i_009.png" width="100%" alt="I'm thirteen at home" /></a> +<p>"Half third return to Brixton, please."</p> +<p>"Half! What's your age?"</p> +<p>"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_010.png"> +<img src="images/i_010.png" width="100%" alt="'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been" /></a> +<p><i>Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station)</i> +"'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"</p> +<p><i>Minor R.O. (with dignity).</i> "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."</p> +<p><i>Friend (impressed).</i> "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?"</p> +<p><i>Minor R.O.</i> "Well, I can't say as I <i>saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at Vaux'all!"</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_011.png"> +<img src="images/i_011.png" width="100%" alt="AN EXCITING TIME" /></a> +<h3>AN EXCITING TIME</h3> +<p>Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and +he is left alone with a <i>dangerous lunatic!!</i> (It was only little +Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the +electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_012.png"> +<img src="images/i_012.png" width="100%" alt="TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN" /></a> +<h3>A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>A third-class carriage.</i> <span class="smcap">Time</span>—<i>Three hours before the next +station.</i> <span class="smcap">Dramatis Personæ</span>—<i>Jones and Robinson.</i></p> +<p>"It's the <i>last!</i>—and it's a Tändstickor. It'll only strike on the +box!"</p> +<p>"Strike it on the box, then;—but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"</p> +<p>"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_013.png"> +<img src="images/i_013.png" width="100%" alt="SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE" /></a> +<h3>"WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.</h3> +<p><i>Passenger (in second class).</i> "I think I've got into the wrong +carriage."</p> +<p><i>Ticket Inspector (sternly).</i> "The difference must be paid!"</p> +<p><i>Passenger (triumphantly).</i> "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for +three shillings—I've a first-class ticket!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_014.png"> +<img src="images/i_014.png" width="100%" alt="not even a copper" /></a> +<h3>A REMINDER</h3> +<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage +in?—the big portmantle and——"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "All right, mum."</p> +<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "And you're certain I've not left anything behind——"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "No, mum, not even a copper!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_015.png"> +<img src="images/i_015.png" width="100%" alt="NOTES OF TRAVEL" /></a> +<h3>NOTES OF TRAVEL</h3> +<center><i>The Cunard "Special" full speed for London</i></center><br /> +<p><i>John Bull (of the World in general).</i> "There is nothing to be alarmed +at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"</p> +<p><i>Jonathan (from the West in particular).</i> "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that. +I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_016.png"> +<img src="images/i_016.png" width="100%" alt="Impatient Traveller" /></a> +<p><i>Impatient Traveller.</i> "Er—how long will the next train +be, portah?"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an +inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_017.png"> +<img src="images/i_017.png" width="100%" alt="THE LEVEL CROSSING" /></a> +<h3>THE LEVEL CROSSING</h3> +<p>"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"</p> +<p>"No, mum."</p> +<p>"And no more trains on the down line?"</p> +<p>"No, mum."</p> +<p>"Is there no <i>special</i> train?"</p> +<p>"No, mum."</p> +<p>"Nor an <i>excursion</i> train?"</p> +<p>"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."</p> +<p>"You're quite sure?"</p> +<p>"Yes, mum."</p> +<p>"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_018.png"> +<img src="images/i_018.png" width="100%" alt="Is this a smoking compartment" /></a> +<p><i>Old Maid.</i> "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"</p> +<p><i>Obliging Passenger.</i> "No, mum. 'Igher up!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE MISSING SPINSTER</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">You may boast your great improvements,</p> +<p class="i0">Your inventions and your "movements,"</p> +<p class="i2">For those who stay at home, and those who travel;</p> +<p class="i0">But arrangements for the latter</p> +<p class="i0">Are so complex, that the matter</p> +<p class="i0">Makes them dotty as a hatter</p> +<p class="i10">To unravel.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">There was once an ancient lady</p> +<p class="i0">Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,</p> +<p class="i2">Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.</p> +<p class="i0">So in fear and trepidation</p> +<p class="i0">She sought out her destination,</p> +<p class="i0">And betook her to the station—</p> +<p class="i10">Waterloo.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">She took her little ticket</p> +<p class="i0">And she did not fail to stick it</p> +<p class="i2">With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.</p> +<p class="i0">Another moment found her</p> +<p class="i0">With a plenty to astound her—</p> +<p class="i0">For she'd notice-boards all round her,</p> +<p class="i10">And above!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">So she studied every number</p> +<p class="i0">On those sign-posts that encumber</p> +<p class="i2">All the station; and she learned them one by one;</p> +<p class="i0">But she found the indication</p> +<p class="i0">Of the platforms of the station</p> +<p class="i0">Not much use as information</p> +<p class="i10">When she'd done.</p> +</div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">In her shocking state of fluster</p> +<p class="i0">Little courage could she muster,</p> +<p class="i2">Yet of porters she accosted one or two;</p> +<p class="i0">But, too shy to claim attention,</p> +<p class="i0">And too full of apprehension,</p> +<p class="i0">She could get no one to mention</p> +<p class="i10">"Which for Trew."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">So she trudged through every station—</p> +<p class="i0">"North," "South," "Main,"—in quick rotation,</p> +<p class="i2">And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";</p> +<p class="i0">Like some hapless new Pandora</p> +<p class="i0">She sat down a-gasping for a</p> +<p class="i0">Little hope to live on—or a</p> +<p class="i10">Plate o' soup.</p> +</div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10">* * * * *</p> +</div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">'Mid the bustle and the hissing</p> +<p class="i0">An old maiden lady's "Missing"—</p> +<p class="i2">In some corner of the complicated maze;</p> +<p class="i0">And round about she's gliding</p> +<p class="i0">In unwilling, hideous hiding,</p> +<p class="i0">On the platform, loop, or siding,</p> +<p class="i10">In a craze.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And still they cannot find her,</p> +<p class="i0">For she leaves no trace behind her</p> +<p class="i2">At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo;</p> +<p class="i0">But she passes like a comet</p> +<p class="i0">With the myst'ry of Mahomet—</p> +<p class="i0">Her course unknown—and from it</p> +<p class="i10">Not a clue!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_020.png"> +<img src="images/i_020.png" width="100%" alt="was this your'n?" /></a> +<h3>MOST OFFENSIVE</h3> +<p><i>Railway Porter.</i> "If you please, sir, was this your'n?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_021.png"> +<img src="images/i_021.png" width="100%" alt="HINT TO STATION-MASTERS" /></a> +<h3>A RAILWAY COLLUSION—A HINT TO STATION-MASTERS</h3> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Now, then, Bill! are you off?"</p> +<p><i>Cab Ruffian.</i> "No; what sort of fare is it?"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Single gent, with small bag."</p> +<p><i>Ruffian.</i> "Oh, <i>he</i> won't do! Can't yer find us a old lady and two +little gals with lots o' boxes? I'm good for a pint!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_022.png"> +<img src="images/i_022.png" width="100%" alt="CHANGELINGS" /></a> +<h3>CHANGELINGS; OR, A STORY WITHOUT (POLITE) WORDS.</h3> +<p>"Them's the only dogs as come by this train, sir. The guard says as 'ow +there was three sportin' dogs, as 'ad ate their label off, wot's gone on +by the Scotch Express."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Rather 'Cute.</span>—<i>Small but Sharp Passenger.</i> "Look here! You didn't give +me the right change just now!"</p> + +<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Too late, sir! You should have spoken when you took your +ticket!"</p> + +<p><i>Passenger.</i> "<i>Should</i> I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you +gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!" <i> [Exit.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> + +<h2>UNDERGROUND STUDIES</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_024a.png"> +<img src="images/i_024a.png" width="100%" alt="SMOKING COMPARTMENT" /></a> +<h3>SMOKING COMPARTMENT</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_024b.png"> +<img src="images/i_024b.png" width="100%" alt="WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS" /></a> +<h3>WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_024c.png"> +<img src="images/i_024c.png" width="100%" alt="THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX" /></a> +<h3>THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_025.png"> +<img src="images/i_025.png" width="100%" alt="UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS" /></a> +<h3>THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS</h3> +<p><i>Stoker.</i> "Wery sorry to disturb yer at supper, ladies, but could yer +oblige me with a scuttle o' coals for our engine, as we've run short of +'em this journey?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>REPARTEES FOR THE RAILWAY</h2> + +<p>"No smoking allowed." Of course, but I am going to enjoy my cigar in +silence.</p> + +<p>"Want the window closed." Very sorry, but I can't find a cathedral.</p> + +<p>"Find my journal a nuisance." Dear me! was under the impression it was a +newspaper.</p> + +<p>"Allow you to pass." Afraid only the Secretary can manage that for you; +he alone has power to issue free tickets.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Do I mind the draught?" Not when I am attending to the chessman.</p> + +<p>"Do I know the station?" Of the people on the platform? Probably lower +middle class.</p> + +<p>"Is this right for Windsor?" Yes, if it's not left for somewhere else.</p> + +<p>"Are we allowed five minutes for lunch?" Think not; but you can have +sandwiches at the counter.</p> + +<p>"Isn't this first-class?" Quite excellent—first-rate—couldn't be +better!</p> + +<p>"I want to go second." Then you had better follow me.</p> + +<p>"I am third." Indeed! And who were first and second.</p> + +<p>"I think this must be London." Very likely, if it is, it mustn't be +anywhere else.</p> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Way of the Whirled.</span>—The rail-way.</center><br /> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center>"<span class="smcap">Very Hard Lines.</span>"—The railways.</center><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_026.png"> +<img src="images/i_026.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY AMALGAMATION" /></a> +<h3>RAILWAY AMALGAMATION—A PLEASANT STATE OF THINGS</h3> +<p><i>Passenger.</i> "What's the matter, guard?"</p> +<p><i>Guard (with presence of mind).</i> "Oh, nothing particular, sir. We've +only run into an excursion train!"</p> +<p><i>Passenger.</i> "But, good gracious! there's a train just behind us, isn't +there?"</p> +<p><i>Guard.</i> "Yes, sir! But a boy has gone down the line with a signal; and +it's very likely they'll see it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<h2>METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES.</h2> +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_028a.png"> +<img src="images/i_028a.png" width="100%" alt="METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES" /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_028b.png"> +<img src="images/i_028b.png" width="100%" alt="METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES" /></a> +</div></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center">The party that <i>never</i> says, "Thank you!" +</td> +<td align="center" >The party that <i>always</i> says, "Thank you!" +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<center>When you open the door, shut the window, or give up your seat for her.</center><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE THIRD-CLASS TRAVELLER'S PETITION</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Pity the sorrows of a third-class man,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose trembling limbs with snow are whitened o'er,</p> +<p class="i0">Who for his fare has paid you all he can:</p> +<p class="i2">Cover him in, and let him freeze no more!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">This dripping hat my roofless pen bespeaks,</p> +<p class="i2">So does the puddle reaching to my knees;</p> +<p class="i0">Behold my pinch'd red nose—my shrivell'd cheeks:</p> +<p class="i2">You should not have such carriages as these.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">In vain I stamp to warm my aching feet,</p> +<p class="i2">I only paddle in a pool of slush;</p> +<p class="i0">My stiffen'd hands in vain I blow and beat;</p> +<p class="i2">Tears from my eyes congealing as they gush.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Keen blows the wind; the sleet comes pelting down,</p> +<p class="i2">And here I'm standing in the open air!</p> +<p class="i0">Long is my dreary journey up to Town,</p> +<p class="i2">That is, alive, if ever I get there.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Oh! from the weather, when it snows and rains,</p> +<p class="i2">You might as well, at least, defend the poor;</p> +<p class="i0">It would not cost you much, with all your gains:</p> +<p class="i2">Cover us in, and luck attend your store.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_029.png"> +<img src="images/i_029.png" width="100%" alt="A CAUTION" /></a> +<h3>A CAUTION</h3> +<p>No wonder Miss Lavinia Stitchwort thought the people very rude at the +station when she went for her "water-proof" (which she had lost on the +railway some time before). She found out when she got home she had not +removed the "unclaimed property" label!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_030.png"> +<img src="images/i_030.png" width="100%" alt="travelling at a fearful pace" /></a> +<p><i>Nervous Party.</i> "The train seems to be travelling at a +fearful pace, ma'am."</p> +<p><i>Elderly Female.</i> "Yus, ain't it? My Bill's a-drivin' of the ingin, an' +'e <i>can</i> make 'er go when 'e's got a drop o drink in 'im!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Origin of Railways.</span>—The first idea of railways is of very ancient date, for we +hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the Conquest.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Railway News.</span>—There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to +travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the +safety of her luggage.</p> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center>"<span class="smcap">Railway Coupling.</span>"—When the porter marries the young lady in the +refreshment department.</center><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%"> +<a href="images/i_032.png"> +<img src="images/i_032.png" width="100%" alt="THE FIRST "BRADSHAW"" /></a> +<h3>THE FIRST "BRADSHAW"</h3> +<p>A reminiscence of Whitsun Holidays in Ancient Egypt. From an old-time +tabl(e)ature</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Railway Reform.</span>—Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a +certain age.</p> + +<p>As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also +for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers," +the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as +Hampton Wick.</p> + +<p>The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers." +Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations.</p> + +<p>It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the +abolition of the Second Class, the motto of the Company will be "No +Returns."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Plutocrat.</span>—<i>Swell.</i> "'Dyou oblige me—ah—by shutting your +window?—ah——"</p> + +<p><i>Second Passenger (politely).</i> "Really, sir, if you will not press it, +as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You +seem to take great care of yourself, sir——"</p> + +<p><i>Swell.</i> "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear +fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SLOW TRAIN</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">On Southern lines the trains which crawl</p> +<p class="i2">Deliberately to and fro</p> +<p class="i0">Make life a burden; of them all</p> +<p class="i2">This is the slowest of the slow.</p> +<p class="i0">Impatiently condemned to bear</p> +<p class="i2">What is indeed an awful bore,</p> +<p class="i0">I've seemed to be imprisoned there</p> +<p class="i10">Three days, or more.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The angry passengers complain;</p> +<p class="i2">Of new electric cabs they talk.</p> +<p class="i0">They sit and swear at such a train,</p> +<p class="i2">And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?"</p> +<p class="i0">It's true the time seems extra long</p> +<p class="i2">When spent in such a wretched way,</p> +<p class="i0">My calculation may be wrong—</p> +<p class="i10">Three hours, say.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The other day I had to come</p> +<p class="i2">By this slow train, but facing me</p> +<p class="i0">Was no old buffer, dull and dumb;</p> +<p class="i2">I chatted with my vis-à-vis.</p> +<p class="i0">A pretty smile, a pretty dress,</p> +<p class="i2">Gay spirits no fatigue could crush;</p> +<p class="i0">With her it was a quick express,</p> +<p class="i10">Three minutes' rush.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">For once I sadly left the train,</p> +<p class="i2">For once the time too quickly passed.</p> +<p class="i0">I still could angrily complain,</p> +<p class="i2">Why travel so absurdly fast?</p> +<p class="i0">At lightning speed that special went</p> +<p class="i2">(I'd paid the ordinary fare),</p> +<p class="i0">Now looking back it seems we spent</p> +<p class="i10">Three seconds there.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_034.png"> +<img src="images/i_034.png" width="100%" alt="BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH" /></a> +<h3>A BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH</h3> +<p><i>Facetious Individual (from carriage window).</i> "Change 'ere, 'ave we? +Then kindly oblige me with a sardine-opener!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Wednesbury Station.</span>—<i>First Collier.</i> "Trains leave for Birmingham, +10.23 a.m., 6.23 p.m."</p> + +<p><i>Second Collier.</i> "What's p.m.?"</p> + +<p><i>First Do.</i> "A penny a mile, to be sure."</p> + +<p><i>Second Do.</i> "Then, what's a.m.?"</p> + +<p><i>First Do.</i> "Why, that must be a a'penny a mile."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_036.png"> +<img src="images/i_036.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY LUXURIES" /></a> +<h3>RAILWAY LUXURIES</h3> +<p><i>Excursionist.</i> "I say—'ere! This water's full o'crumbs!"</p> +<p><i>Aquarius.</i> "That ain't crumbs! That's only the sawdust off the hice!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> + +<h2>RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS</h2> + +<p><i>'Traction Engines.</i>—Too many Girls of the Period.</p> + +<p><i>Truck-Trains.</i>—Most marriage processions at St. George's, Hanover +Square.</p> + +<p><i>Continuous Brakes.</i>—The results of lodging house attendance.</p> + +<p><i>Changing Lines.</i>—What we often see after the honeymoon.</p> + +<p><i>Shunted on to a Siding.</i>—Paterfamilias when Baby appears.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_037.png"> +<img src="images/i_037.png" width="100%" alt="Man reading newspaper" /></a> +<p>A party who is quite in favour of light railways for town +and country.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_038.png"> +<img src="images/i_038.png" width="100%" alt="OUR COUNTRY COUSINS" /></a> +<h2>OUR COUNTRY COUSINS</h2> +<p><i>The Gushington girls have just arrived by rail, and are inhaling the +odours of an average London terminus.</i></p> +<p><i>Miss Milly Gushington.</i> "Wait a bit, uncle." (<i>Sniff.</i>) "Oh, isn't it +lovely, Hilly? Doesn't it just <i>smell</i> of the season?"</p> +<p><i>Miss Hilly Gushington.</i> "Don't speak about it—only sniff!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET</h2> + +<center>(<i>Railway Edition</i>)</center><br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">A is the affable guard whom you square:</p> +<p class="i0">B is the <i>Bradshaw</i> which leads you to swear:</p> +<p class="i0">C is the corner you fight to obtain:</p> +<p class="i0">D is the draught of which others complain:</p> +<p class="i0">E are the enemies made for the day:</p> +<p class="i0">F is the frown that you wear all the way:</p> +<p class="i0">G is the guilt that you feel going third:</p> +<p class="i0">H is the humbug by which you're deterred:</p> +<p class="i0">I is the insult you'll get down the line:</p> +<p class="i0">J is the junction where you'll try to dine:</p> +<p class="i0">K is the kettle of tea three weeks old:</p> +<p class="i0">L are the lemon drops better unsold:</p> +<p class="i0">M is the maiden who says there's no meat:</p> +<p class="i0">N is the nothing you thus get to eat:</p> +<p class="i0">O is the oath that you use—and do right:</p> +<p class="i0">P is the paper to which you <i>don't</i> write:</p> +<p class="i0">Q are the qualms to directors unknown:</p> +<p class="i0">R is the row which you'll find all your own:</p> +<p class="i0">S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:"</p> +<p class="i0">T is the truth, that will come to a halt:</p> +<p class="i0">U is the pointsman—who's up the whole night:</p> +<p class="i0">V is the verdict that says it's "all right."</p> +<p class="i0">W stands for wheels flying off curves:</p> +<p class="i0">X for express that half shatters your nerves:</p> +<p class="i0">Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling,</p> +<p class="i0">and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_040.png"> +<img src="images/i_040.png" width="100%" alt="STARTLING" /></a> +<h3>STARTLING!</h3> +<p><i>Constable (to nervous passenger, arrived by the Ramsgate train).</i> "I've +got yer"—(<i>"Ger-acious Heavens!" thinks little Skeery with a thrill of +horror. "Takes me for somebody that's 'wanted'!"</i>)—"a cab, sir."]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<h2>"THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED"</h2> + +<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway.</i></center> + +<p><i>Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous +politeness.</i> If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater.</p> + +<p><i>Ticket Clerk (abruptly).</i> No first-class here. Go to the next +booking-place.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and finds his way to next +booking-place</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Country Cousin</i>. If you please, I want a first-class ticket to +Bayswater.</p> + +<p><i>Ticket Clerk (explosively).</i> Single or return? Look sharp! You're not +the only person in London!</p> + +<p><i>Country Cousin (humbly).</i> Single, please.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country +Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes +precipitately down brass-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be +snipped.</i></p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> + +<p><i>Snipper (inspecting ticket).</i> Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go +up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just +coming in!</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment, +hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform +just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone, +gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket.</i></p> + +<p><i>Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely).</i> If you please—will the next +train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?</p> + +<p><i>Saturnine Official.</i> Can't tell you till the train comes.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had +taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along.</i></p> + +<p><i>Stentorian voice (without stops).</i> Earl's Court North End and +Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind!</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full. +Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to +open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant +seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on.</i></p> + +<p><i>Indignant Official.</i> Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (<i>Drags +back Country Cousin.</i>) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin +to get in there for?</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by +recent struggle and resumes his agitated march.</i></p> + +<p><i>Enter another train more madly than the first.</i></p> + +<p><i>Stentorian voice.</i> High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and +Bayswater train main line train!</p> + +<p><i>Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty).</i> Is this +train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?</p> + +<p><i>Haughty Official.</i> Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a +minute.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his +umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts +through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having +lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect, +and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan +District Railway Station.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_042.png"> +<img src="images/i_042.png" width="100%" alt="WHEN IN DOUBT" /></a> +<h3>WHEN IN DOUBT—DON'T!</h3> +<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Country Station</i></center><br /> +<p><i>Gent.</i> "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?"</p> +<p><i>Country Youth.</i> "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a +fortnight!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_044.png"> +<img src="images/i_044.png" width="100%" alt="A DILEMMA" /></a> +<h3>A DILEMMA</h3> +<p><i>Station-Master.</i> "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are +you——"</p> +<p><i>Overdriven Porter.</i> "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna +ken fa the're gaen tae!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_046.png"> +<img src="images/i_046.png" width="100%" alt="RISKS" /></a> +<h3>RISKS</h3> +<p><i>Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage).</i> "Take an accident +insurance ticket, sir?"</p> +<p><i>Passenger (nervously).</i> "Wha' for?!"</p> +<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for +the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the +hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Old Gent forks out with alacrity.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + +<h2>TO MY "PUFF PUFF"</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Puff me away from the noise and the worry;</p> +<p class="i2">Puff me away from the desolate town;</p> +<p class="i0">Puff me—but don't be in too great a hurry;</p> +<p class="i2">Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet</p> +<p class="i2">Swiftly—or e'en at the pace called the snail's,</p> +<p class="i0">Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it</p> +<p class="i2">Into my nostrils—but don't leave the rails.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses;</p> +<p class="i2">For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst—</p> +<p class="i0">For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses;</p> +<p class="i2">Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Puff me <i>en route</i> for care-killing Killarney,</p> +<p class="i2">Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride;</p> +<p class="i0">Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney,</p> +<p class="i2">Puff, puff, like blazes—but, <i>please</i>, don't "collide!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_048.png"> +<img src="images/i_048.png" width="100%" alt="DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE" /></a> +<h3>DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE</h3> +<p><i>Customer</i> (Time—<i>Saturday afternoon</i>). "I don't want all coppers in +change for that shilling. Haven't you got any silver?"</p> +<p><i>Newsboy.</i> "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> + +<h2>TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">At first I loved thee—thou wast warm,—</p> +<p class="i2">The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."</p> +<p class="i0">I tipped him as thy welcome form</p> +<p class="i2">He carried, with a grateful smile, in.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Alas! thou art a faithless friend,</p> +<p class="i2">Thy warmth was but dissimulation;</p> +<p class="i0">Thy tepid glow is at an end,</p> +<p class="i2">And I am nowhere near my station!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I shiver, cold in feet and hands,</p> +<p class="i2">It is a legal form of slaughter,</p> +<p class="i0">They don't warm (!) trains in other lands</p> +<p class="i2">With half a pint of tepid water.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I spurn thy coldness with a kick,</p> +<p class="i2">And pile on rugs as my protectors,</p> +<p class="i0">I'd send—to warm them—to Old Nick,</p> +<p class="i2">Thy parsimonious directors!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Different Ways of Travelling.</span>—Man travels to expand his ideas; but +woman—judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with +her—travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.</p> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center>"<span class="smcap">The Best of Motives.</span>"—Locomotives.</center><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_050.png"> +<img src="images/i_050.png" width="100%" alt="A LIBERAL MEASURE" /></a> +<h3>"A LIBERAL MEASURE"</h3> +<p><i>Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order, +and won't work).</i> "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to +chaps o' your size!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> + +<br /> + +<center><span class="smcap">Foxhunter's Definition of a Mail-Train.</span>—A Post and Rails.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">As a Rule.</span>—"Signal Failures"—Railway accidents.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Three Railway Gauges.</span>—Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow +Gauge, and the Lug-gage.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_051.png"> +<img src="images/i_051.png" width="100%" alt="ZOOLOGY" /></a> +<h3>ZOOLOGY</h3> +<p><i>Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets).</i> +"'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and +so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no +charge for it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_052.png"> +<img src="images/i_052.png" width="100%" alt="LOGIC" /></a> +<h3>LOGIC</h3> +<p><i>Stout Party.</i> "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people +can get out, people can get in!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Quickest of all Express Trains.</span>—The train of thought.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Startling Railway Accident.</span>—A punctual train.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Keep Your Temper.</span>—Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a +railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">"Don't Touch me, or I'll Scream!"</span> as the engine whistle said to the +stoker.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_053.png"> +<img src="images/i_053.png" width="100%" alt="'Elp us up with my luggage" /></a> +<h3>"A MAN AND A PASSENGER!"</h3> +<center><i>Sweep.</i> "'Elp us up with my luggage, mate!"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>VOCES POPULI</h2> + +<h3>I</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger, +apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit, +seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state +of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously).</i> Yer saw that gentleman I +was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he <i>was</i>?</p> + +<p><i>First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who +sets a certain value on his conversation).</i> Well, he didn't look much +like the Archbishop of Canterbury.</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> He's a better man than <i>'im</i>! That was Brasher, the middling +weight! he giv me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, <i>he</i> +did!</p> + +<p><i>First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence).</i> +Ah! did he, though?</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> He <i>did</i>; I went up to him, and I sez,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> "Excuse me," I sez, +like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"</p> + +<p><i>First P. (with superiority).</i> He wouldn't like that—being taken for a +German.</p> + +<p><i>The S. (solemnly).</i> Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a +Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (<i>hazily</i>) one word +brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd +<i>seen</i> Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!</p> + +<p><i>First P.</i> Well, I won't ask you to do that.</p> + +<p><i>The S. (firmly).</i> Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to +see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton—'e's a +<i>good</i> man, <i>'e</i> is—'e <i>is</i> a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks +'isself about! But if I was to pass <i>my</i> opinion, it 'ud be +this—Killivan's <i>in</i> it for science, he ain't in it to <i>take</i> anything; +you may take that from me!</p> + +<p><i>First P. (objecting to be treated as an</i> ingénu<i>).</i> It's not the first +time I've heard of it, by a long way.</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (<i>putting his hand on +First P.'s knee</i>). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +<p><i>First P. (his dignity a little ruffled).</i> I will—if it's anything in +reason.</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this—Sulton +<i>brought</i> Killivan <i>out</i>. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I +<i>know</i> this myself—one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey +way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present +moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!</p> + +<p><i>First P. (axiomatically).</i> Every man's a mug who turns a good business +up.</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> Yer right! And (<i>moralising</i>) it ain't <i>all</i> 'oney with that +sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put +to the test, you're not a moneyed man—no more than I am myself?</p> + +<p><i>First P. (not altogether flattered).</i> Well—that's as <i>may</i> be.</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't +<i>know</i> yer.</p> + +<p><i>First P. (modestly).</i> I used to be in it at one time.</p> + +<p><i>The S. (confidentially).</i> I'm in it <i>now</i>. I don't get my livin' by it, +though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am—to a certain extent.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> I've been +in America. <i>There's</i> a country now—they don't over-tax like they do +'ere!</p> + +<p><i>First P. (sympathetically).</i> There you <i>'ave</i> touched a point—we're +taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is +charged——</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer +myself.</p> + +<p><i>First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and +condescension).</i> There you are, then.</p> + +<p><i>The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe).</i> I 'ope +I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?</p> + +<p><i>First P.</i> Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where <i>I</i> +go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another—you're setting your +coat alight.</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing +so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as +I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but +I can go into company where they <i>are</i>, d'ye <i>see</i>?</p> + +<p><i>First P. (shortly).</i> <i>I</i> see.</p> + +<p><i>The S. (with fresh misgivings).</i> You'll excuse me if I've taken a +libbaty with yer!</p> + +<p><i>First P. (with a stately air).</i> We settled all that just now.</p> + +<p><i>The S. (after a scrutiny).</i> I tell yer what my idear of <i>you</i> is—that +you're a <i>Toff!</i></p> + +<p><i>First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily).</i> No, +no—there's nothing of the toff about <i>me!</i></p> + +<p><i>The S. (defiantly).</i> Well, you're a <i>gentleman</i>, anyway?</p> + +<p><i>First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable).</i> We can all of us be that, +so long as we behave ourselves.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> +<p><i>The S. (much pleased by this sentiment).</i> Right agen! give us yer +'and—if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take +a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be +settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of +us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without +they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't <i>like</i> that!</p> + +<p><i>First P. (shifting about).</i> Quite so—quite so, of course!</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could +take <i>my</i> part!</p> + +<p><i>First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment).</i> I—I +hope we'll keep off that.</p> + +<p><i>The S. (devoutly).</i> So do I! <i>I</i> 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer +never know what may bring it on—and there it is, d'ye see! You and me +might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my +day. Do you doubt my word?—if so, say it to my face!</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> +<p><i>First P.</i> I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me +in a word! If you're <i>bent</i> on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's +all I can tell you!</p> + +<p><i>First P. (giving himself up for lost).</i> But I'm <i>not</i> bent on a +row—qu—quite otherwise!</p> + +<p><i>The S.</i> You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put +<i>up</i>, I'm—'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?</p> + +<p><i>First P. (eagerly).</i> Yes—make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on +this line!</p> + +<p><i>The S. (completely mollified).</i> Then I'll say good-bye to yer. +(<i>Tenderly.</i>) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.</p> + +<p><i>First P.</i> We—we'll hope so—good day to you, wish you luck!</p> + +<p><i>The S. (solemnly).</i> Lord <i>love</i> yer! (<i>Pausing at door.</i>) I 'ope you +don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I <i>never</i> fall out——</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train +moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of +relief.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_054.png"> +<img src="images/i_054.png" width="100%" alt="NOT QUITE UP TO DATE" /></a> +<h3>NOT QUITE UP TO DATE</h3> +<p><i>Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop).</i> "Ar don't know if it'd +make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave +a fallen down!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_056.png"> +<img src="images/i_056.png" width="100%" alt="NOTES OF TRAVEL" /></a> +<h3>NOTES OF TRAVEL</h3> +<p><i>Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer).</i> "Gif me two +dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come +back!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_058.png"> +<img src="images/i_058.png" width="100%" alt="IN THE UNDERGROUND" /></a> +<h3>IN THE UNDERGROUND</h3> +<p><i>Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend).</i> "Fancy finding you in +the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a +wretched journey! But one never <i>does</i> meet people when one wants to!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_060.png"> +<img src="images/i_060.png" width="100%" alt="LA BELLE DAME" /></a> +<h3>LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"</h3> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_061.png"> +<img src="images/i_061.png" width="100%" alt="driver see a lot o' fine mushyroons" /></a> +<h3>"TOUT VIENT À QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"</h3> +<p>Shouting heard—engine whistles frantically—breaks applied +violently—train stops—accident, no doubt—alarm of first-class +passengers—stout gent flies at communicator—child shrieks—terrified +lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"</p> +<p><i>Guard.</i> "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine +mushyroons, miss, and we——he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away +y' go!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_062.png"> +<img src="images/i_062.png" width="100%" alt="I'm the clerk" /></a> +<h3>A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE</h3> +<p><i>Traveller.</i> "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"</p> +<p><i>Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling).</i> "I'm the clerk."</p> +<p><i>Traveller.</i> "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for +London?"</p> +<p><i>Boy.</i> "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time—and +sometimes another."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_064.png"> +<img src="images/i_064.png" width="100%" alt="TRYING POSITION" /></a> +<h3>TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN</h3> +<p>He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station +being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the +operation.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_066.png"> +<img src="images/i_066.png" width="100%" alt="You don't object to my pipe" /></a> +<p><i>Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got +into a smoking compartment).</i> "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope, +mum?"</p> +<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Yes, I <i>do</i> object, very strongly!"</p> +<p><i>Workman.</i> "Oh! Then out you get!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> + + +<h2>A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S</h2> + +<center><i>(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)</i></center> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female +Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller.</i></p> + +<p><i>Male Traveller.</i> A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train, +so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.</p> + +<p><i>Fem. T. (after a pause).</i> As you have no one to present you, I must ask +"if you are any lady's husband?"</p> + +<p><i>Male T. (with a sigh).</i> Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!</p> + +<p><i>Fem. T. (drily).</i> That is nothing out of the common. I have been given +to understand that all bachelors are miserable.</p> + +<p><i>Male T.</i> No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Fem. T. (calmly).</i> I have no experience. I am a spinster.</p> + +<p><i>Male T. (smiling).</i> Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?</p> + +<p><i>Fem. T. (quickly).</i> Because there was no room anywhere else.</p> + +<p><i>Male T.</i> Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking +compartment.</p> + +<p><i>Fem. T.</i> Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.</p> + +<p><i>Male T.</i> Why! don't <i>you</i> object to a cigar?</p> + +<p><i>Fem. T.</i> Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Red fire and tobacco.</i></p> + +<p><i>Male T. (after a pause).</i> I have it on my conscience to make a +correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.</p> + +<p><i>Fem. T. (annoyed).</i> Then you are married!</p> + +<p><i>Male T. (with intention).</i> Well, not yet. But if you like you can +receive me as somebody's betrothed.</p> + +<p><i>Fem. T. (regardless of grammar).</i> Who's somebody?</p> + +<p><i>Male T. (smiling).</i> Think of your own name.</p> + +<p><i>Fem. T.</i> What next?</p> + +<p><i>Male T.</i> Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in +exchange. (<i>Train arrives at a station.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Guard (without).</i> All change!</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>And later on they do.</i></p> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Patron Saint of Railways.</span>-St. Pan-crash.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_068.png"> +<img src="images/i_068.png" width="100%" alt="A NON-SEQUITUR" /></a> +<h3>A NON-SEQUITUR</h3> +<p><i>Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare).</i> "I suppose +now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"</p> +<p><i>Shoeblack.</i> "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch +a train, gives me sixpence!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards, +couldn't see the connection.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_070.png"> +<img src="images/i_070.png" width="100%" alt="'ow do I know where I'm going?" /></a> +<h3>THE TWOPENNY TUBE</h3> +<p>"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"</p> +<p>"No; all our tickets are alike."</p> +<p>"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_071.png"> +<img src="images/i_071.png" width="100%" alt="HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING" /></a> +<h3>HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING</h3> +<p><i>Stout Party (rather hot).</i> "Hope you don't find the breeze too much, +sir?"</p> +<p><i>Fellow Passenger.</i> "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_072.png"> +<img src="images/i_072.png" width="100%" alt="A RAILWAY STATION" /></a> +<h3>SKYLIGHT VIEW—A RAILWAY STATION</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_073.png"> +<img src="images/i_073.png" width="100%" alt="Hint taken" /></a> +<p><i>Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage).</i> "Don't +you keep a brush for that work, porter?"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're +allowed. But—they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Hint taken.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IN A SLOW TRAIN</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><i>"Look out for squalls"—on land or sea—</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Where duty or where pleasure calls,</i></p> +<p class="i0"><i>A golden rule it seems to be,</i></p> +<p class="i6"><i>Look out for squalls.</i></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><i>Yet in a train that slowly crawls</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Somehow it most appeals to me.</i></p> +<p class="i0"><i>For then sometimes, it so befalls,</i></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><i>An infant on its mother's knee</i></p> +<p class="i0"><i>In my compartment Fate installs—</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Which makes a nervous man, you see,</i></p> +<p class="i6"><i>Look out for squalls!</i></p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>RAILWAY MAXIMS</h2> + +<center>(<i>Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company</i>)</center> + +<p>Delays are dangerous.</p> + +<p>A train in time saves nine.</p> + +<p>Live and let live.</p> + +<p>After a railway excursion, the doctor.</p> + +<p>Do not halloo till you are out of the train.</p> + +<p>Between two trains we fall to the ground.</p> + +<p>Fire and water make good servants but bad masters.</p> + +<p>A director is known by the company he keeps.</p> + +<p>A railway train is the thief of time.</p> + +<p>There is no place like home—but the difficulty is to get there.</p> + +<p>The farther you go, the worse is your fare.</p> + +<p>It's the railway pace that kills.</p> + +<p>The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many +lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."</p> + +<p>A railway is long, but life is short—and generally the longer a +railway, the shorter your life.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Distinction with a Difference.</span>—<i>Disappointed Porter (to Mate).</i> I +thought you said he was a gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Mate.</i> No, that's where you mistook me. <i>I</i> said he was a gent.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_074.png"> +<img src="images/i_074.png" width="100%" alt="how do you get it over the fences?" /></a> +<p><i>Sylvanus.</i> "Foxes are scarce in my country; but we +manage it with a drag now and then!"</p> +<p><i>Urbanus.</i> "Oh—er—yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_075.png"> +<img src="images/i_075.png" width="100%" alt="will you please to move" /></a> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Now, marm, will you please to move, or was +you corded to your box?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_076.png"> +<img src="images/i_076.png" width="100%" alt="THERE BE LAND RATS" /></a> +<h3>"THERE BE LAND RATS"</h3> +<p><i>Jack Ashore.</i> "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go +and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these +railway stations, I've heard!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_077.png"> +<img src="images/i_077.png" width="100%" alt="Where are you for?" /></a> +<h3>AFTER AN EASTERTIDE FESTIVITY—ON THE INNER CIRCLE</h3> +<p><i>Guard.</i> "Where are you for?"</p> +<p><i>Old Gent.</i> "I'm oright—Edgware Road."</p> +<p><i>Guard.</i> "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three +times!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS</h2> + +<p>We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by +railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can +tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The +following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway +potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready. +He calls:</p> + +<p>To the Third Class.—<i>Fortissimè.</i>—"Tickets, tickets; come get +your tickets ready."</p> + +<p>To the Second Class.—<i>Fortè.</i>—"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready, +gents."</p> + +<p>To the First Class.—<i>Piano.</i>—"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if +you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_078.png"> +<img src="images/i_078.png" width="100%" alt="THE H GRATUITOUS" /></a> +<p><i>Lady.</i> "Can I book through from here to Oban?"</p> +<p><i>Well-educated Clerk (correcting her).</i> "Holborn, you mean. No; but you +can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> + +<h2>EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.</h2> + +<center><i>By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached +to any servants of the company)</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Collisions four</p> +<p class="i4">Or five she bore,</p> +<p class="i0">The signals wor in vain;</p> +<p class="i4">Grown old and rusted,</p> +<p class="i4">Her biler busted,</p> +<p class="i0">And smash'd the Excursion Train.</p> +</div></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_079.png"> +<img src="images/i_079.png" width="100%" alt="Her End was Pieces" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center><span class="smcap">Epitaph for a Railway Director.</span>—"His life was spent on pleasant lines."</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_080.png"> +<img src="images/i_080.png" width="100%" alt="MUDDLEBY JUNCTION" /></a> +<h3>MUDDLEBY JUNCTION</h3> +<p><i>Overworked Pointsman (puzzled).</i> "Let's see!—there's the 'scursion' +were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the +'mineral,'—no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'—or the 'cattle.' No! +that were after,—cattle's shunting now. Let's see!—fast train came +through at——Con-found!—and here comes 'the express' afore its time, +and blest if I know which line she's on!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_081.png"> +<img src="images/i_081.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<h2>TEA IN TEN MINUTES</h2> + +<center>(<span class="smcap">A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION</span>)<br /><br /> + +<span class="smcap">Air</span>—"<i>Thee, Thee, only Thee</i>"</center><br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking,</p> +<p class="i0">And longingly we've long been thinking</p> +<p class="i4">Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!</p> +<p class="i0">The marble slabs we gather round.</p> +<p class="i2">They're long in bringing what is wanted,</p> +<p class="i0">The china cup with draught em-brown'd,</p> +<p class="i2">Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted</p> +<p class="i4">By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!</p> +<p class="i0">Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.</p> +<p class="i4">Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!</p> +<p class="i0">At last! The infusion's rayther dark.</p> +<p class="i2">But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!</p> +<p class="i0">One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!</p> +<p class="i2">Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!</p> +<p class="i4">Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!</p> +<p class="i0">Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!</p> +<p class="i4">"Take your seats, please!" Can't <i>touch</i> the Tea!</p> +<p class="i0">Cup to the carriage must not take;</p> +<p class="i2">Crockery may be lost, or broken;</p> +<p class="i0">Refreshment sharks are wide awake.</p> +<p class="i2">But—many a naughty word is spoken</p> +<p class="i4">O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_082.png"> +<img src="images/i_082.png" width="100%" alt="BEHIND THE SCENES" /></a> +<h3>BEHIND THE SCENES</h3> +<p><i>Head Barmaid.</i> "These tarts are quite stale, Miss Hunt—been on the +counter for a fortnight! <i>Would</i> you mind taking them into the +<i>second-class</i> refreshment-room?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_083.png"> +<img src="images/i_083.png" width="100%" alt="That's one of those Manx cats" /></a> +<h3>A LUSUS MACHINER—Æ</h3> +<p><i>Chatty Passenger.</i> "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx +cats, is it not?"</p> +<p><i>Crusty Porter (shortly).</i> "No, 'taint. Morn'g 'xpress!"</p> +<p><i>Passenger (puzzled).</i> "E—h—I don't understand——"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Don't yer? Well, you come and put your toe on these 'ere down +metals about 9.14 a.m. to-morrow, and——"</p> +<p><i>Passenger (enlightened).</i> "Ah!—I see—jus' so——"</p> +<p class="indent">[<i>Retires under cover of newspaper.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p> + +<h2>RAILWAY COMPANIONS</h2> + +<center>(<i>By a Disagreeable Traveller</i>)</center> + +<h3>I.</h3> + +<p>I have come to the conclusion that the railway train exercises a +sinister influence upon the human race. Persons who are tolerable—or +even welcome—in ordinary daily life, become peculiarly obnoxious so +soon as they enter the compartment of a train. No fairy prince ever +stepped into a railway train—assuming he favoured that means of +locomotion—without being transformed straightway into a Beast, and even +Beauty herself could not be distinguished from her disagreeable +sisters—in a train.</p> + +<p>Speaking for myself, railway travelling invariably brings to the surface +all my worst qualities.</p> + +<p>My neighbour opposite hazards some remark. I feel immediately a fit of +taciturnity coming over me, and an overpowering inclination to retreat +behind a fortification of journals and magazines. On the other hand, say +that I have exhausted my stock of railway literature—or, no remote +possibility, that the literature has exhausted me—then I make a casual +remark about the weather. The weather is not usually considered a +controversial topic: in railway trains, however, it becomes so.</p> + +<p>"Rain! not a bit," says a passenger in the far corner, evidently +meditating a walking tour, and he views me suspiciously as if I were a +rain-producer.</p> + +<p>"And a good thing too," remarks the man opposite. "It's wanted badly, I +tell you, sir—very badly. It's all very well for you holiday folk," +&c., &c.</p> + +<p>And all this bad feeling because of my harmless well-intentioned remark.</p> + +<p>The window is up. "Phew!... stuffy," says the man opposite. "You don't +mind, I hope, the window—eh?" "Not in the least," I say, and conceive a +deadly hatred for him. I know from experience that directly that window +is down all the winds of heaven will conspire to rush through, bearing +upon them a smoky pall. I resign myself, therefore, to possible +bronchitis and inflammation of the eye. Schoolboys, I may remark by the +way, are the worst window offenders, owing to their diabolical practice +of looking out of window in a tunnel—and, of course, <i>nothing</i> ever +happens to them. What's the use of expostulating after the compartment +is full of yellow, choking vapour. These boys should be leashed together +like dogs and conveyed in the luggage-van.</p> + +<p>The window is down. "W-h-oop," coughs an elderly man. "Do you mind, sir, +that window being closed?" Polite mendacity and inward bitterness on my +part towards the individual who has converted the compartment into an +oven.</p> + +<p>But there are worse companions even than these, of whom I must speak +another time.</p> + +<h3>II.</h3> + +<p>I have known people thoughtlessly speak well of the luncheon-basket. In +my opinion, the luncheon-basket arouses the worst passions of human +nature, and is a direct incentive to deeds of violence. To say this is +to cast an aspersion upon the refreshment contractor, who is evidently a +man of touchingly simple faith and high imagination. Simple faith +assuredly, for does he not provide on the principle that our insides are +hardy and vigorous and unspoilt by the art of cooking? High imagination +most certainly, otherwise he would never call that red fluid by the name +of claret.</p> + +<p>No, it is to the social rather than to the gastronomic influence of the +luncheon-basket that I wish to advert.</p> + +<p>Once I procured a luncheon-basket and with it came the demon of +discontent and suspicion, converting three neutral people into deadly +enemies.</p> + +<p>One was a pale young man who had been scowling over Browning and making +frantic notes on the margin of the book. Personally, I don't think it +quite decent for pale young men to improve their minds in a public +conveyance—but at any rate he had seemed harmless. Now he raised his +eyes and viewed me with undisguised contempt. "Wretched glutton," he +said in effect, and when accidentally I burned my mouth with mustard +(which a sudden swerve had sent meandering in a yellow stream across the +chicken and ham), he gave a sneering, callous smile, which reminded me +that a man may smile and smile and be a—railway companion.</p> + +<p>I verily believe that youth to be capable of any crime, even Extension +lecturing.</p> + +<p>Then there was a young lady reading a sixpenny Braddon, who viewed me as +if I were some monster; when I shut my eyes and gulped off +some—er—claret, she brought biscuits and lemonade from a small bag and +refreshed herself with ostentatious simplicity, as if to say, "Look upon +<i>this</i> picture and on the wine-bibbing epicurean in the corner." An old +lady with her was more amply provided for (old ladies usually take more +care of their insides than anyone else in creation), but although she +munched sandwiches and washed them down with sherry (probably sweet, +ugh!) luxuriously, she looked with pious horror at my plates and dishes +spread out. I <i>might</i> have said, "Madam, I eat frankly and openly; my +resources may be viewed by all. Your secret and delusive bags have +limitless resources that you are ashamed to show."</p> + +<p>I didn't say so; but the restraint placed on myself quite spoilt the +lunch. No more baskets.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_085.png"> +<img src="images/i_085.png" width="100%" alt="au've lost the big drum" /></a> +<h3>À FORTIORI</h3> +<p><i>Ticket Collector.</i> "Now, then, make haste! Where's your ticket?"</p> +<p><i>Bandsman (refreshed).</i> "Au've lost it!"</p> +<p><i>Ticket Collector.</i> "Nonsense! Feel in your pockets. Ye cannot hev lost +it!"</p> +<p><i>Bandsman.</i> "Aw cannot? Why, man, au've lost the <i>big drum!</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_086.png"> +<img src="images/i_086.png" width="100%" alt="AT ALL THE LIBRARIES" /></a> +<h3>"JUST OUT!"—(AT ALL THE LIBRARIES)</h3> +<p><i>First Young Lady</i>. "How did you like <i>Convict Life</i>, dear?"</p> +<p><i>Second Young Lady</i>. "Pretty well. We've just begun <i>Ten Years' Penal +Servitude</i>. Some of us like it, but——"</p> +<p><i>Old Lady (mentally).</i> "Good gracious! What dreadful creatures! So +young, too!"</p> +<p class="indent">[<i>Looks for the communicating cord!</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_087.png"> +<img src="images/i_087.png" width="100%" alt="RATHER SUSPICIOUS" /></a> +<h3>RATHER SUSPICIOUS</h3> +<p><i>First Passenger.</i> "Had pretty good sport?"</p> +<p><i>Second Passenger.</i> "No—very poor. Birds wild—rain in torrents—dogs +no use. 'Only got fifty brace!"</p> +<p><i>First Passenger.</i> "'Make birds dear, won't it?"</p> +<p><i>Second Passenger ("off his guard").</i> "You're right. I assure you I paid +three-and-sixpence a brace all round at Norwich this morning!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_088.png"> +<img src="images/i_088.png" width="100%" alt="Sometimes on a Sunday" /></a> +<h3>FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR</h3> +<p><i>Young Lady (who has never travelled by this line before).</i> "Do you go +to Kew Gardens?"</p> +<p><i>Booking-Clerk.</i> "Sometimes on a Sunday, miss, on a summer's +afternoon!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_089.png"> +<img src="images/i_089.png" width="100%" alt="A NEW RACE IN AFRICA" /></a> +<h3>A NEW RACE IN AFRICA</h3> +<center>Arrival of the Uganda express.<br /> +(Twenty minutes ahead of time.)</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_090.png"> +<img src="images/i_090.png" width="100%" alt="A LITTLE FARCE" /></a> +<h3>A LITTLE FARCE AT A RAILWAY STATION</h3> +<p><i>Lady.</i> "I want one ticket—first!" <i>Clerk.</i> "Single?" <i>Lady.</i> "Single! +What does it matter to you, sir, whether I'm single or not? +Impertinence!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Clerk explains that he meant single or return, not t'other thing.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_091.png"> +<img src="images/i_091.png" width="100%" alt="TWO VIEWS OF IT" /></a> +<h3>TWO VIEWS OF IT</h3> +<p><i>Brown.</i> "Shockin' thing! You heard of poor Mullins getting his neck +broken in that collision!"</p> +<p><i>Jones.</i> "Ah!—it's as-tonishing how lucky some fellows are! He told me +'last time I saw him he'd just insured his life for three thous'd +poun's!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> + +<h3>INJURED INNOCENCE</h3> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_092.png"> +<img src="images/i_092.png" width="100%" alt="INJURED INNOCENCE" /></a> +<p>"Hulloa! <i>You've</i> no call to be in here! <i>You</i> haven't got a fust-class +ticket, <i>I</i> know."</p> +<p>"No! I hain't!"</p> +<p>"Well, come out! This ain't a third-class carriage!"</p> +<p>"<i>Hain't</i> it? Lor! Well I thought it <i>wos, by the look of the +passingers!</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_093.png"> +<img src="images/i_093.png" width="100%" alt="Some one been smoking" /></a> +<p><i>Guard.</i> "Some one been smoking, I think?"</p> +<p><i>Passenger.</i> "What! Smoking! That's very reprehensible. Perhaps it was +the clerical gentleman who has just got out of the next compartment."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_094.png"> +<img src="images/i_094.png" width="100%" alt="Chatty Passenger" /></a> +<h3>"NEM. CON.!"</h3> +<p><i>Chatty Passenger (on G. W. Railway).</i> "How plainly you can see the +lights of Hanwell from the railway!"</p> +<p><i>Silent Man (in the corner).</i> "Not half so plain as the lights of the +train look from Hanwell!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>All change at the next station.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_095.png"> +<img src="images/i_095.png" width="100%" alt="RECIPROCAL" /></a> +<h3>RECIPROCAL</h3> +<p><i>Sporting Gentleman.</i> "Well, sir, I'm very pleased to have made your +acquaintance, and had the opportunity of hearing a Churchman's views on +the question of tithes. Of course, as a country landowner, I'm +interested in Church matters, and——"</p> +<p><i>The Parson.</i> "Quite so—delighted, I'm sure. Er—by the bye, could you +tell me <i>what's won to-day</i>?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_096.png"> +<img src="images/i_096.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY LITERATURE" /></a> +<h3>RAILWAY LITERATURE</h3> +<p><i>Bookstall Keeper.</i> "Book, ma'am? Yes, ma'am. Here's a popular work by +an eminent surgeon, just published, 'Broken Legs: and How to Mend Them': +or, would you like the last number of <i>The Railway Operator</i>?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_097.png"> +<img src="images/i_097.png" width="100%" alt="SATISFACTORY" /></a> +<h3>SATISFACTORY</h3> +<p><i>Bumptious Old Gent (in a directorial tone).</i> "Ah, guard—what are +we—ah—waiting for?"</p> +<p><i>Guard (with unconcern).</i> "Waiting for the train to go on, sir!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Old Gent retires.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_098.png"> +<img src="images/i_098.png" width="100%" alt="AN UNDERGROUND SELL" /></a> +<h3>AN UNDERGROUND SELL</h3> +<p><i>First Passenger.</i> "They say they've put on detectives 'ere, to catch +coves as travels without tickets."</p> +<p><i>Second Passenger.</i> "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, <i>I</i> can travel +as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a +'apenny!"</p> +<p><i>Detective.</i> "See here, mate; I'll give you half-a-crown if you tell me +how you do it."</p> +<p><i>Second Passenger (after pocketing the half-crown).</i> "Well,—when I +wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'—<i>I walks!</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_099.png"> +<img src="images/i_099.png" width="100%" alt="QUITE UP TO DATE" /></a> +<h3>QUITE UP TO DATE</h3> +<p><i>Cousin Madge.</i> "Well, good-bye, Charlie. So many thanks for taking care +of us!"</p> +<p><i>Charlie.</i> "<i>Not at all!</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>VOCES POPULI</h2> + +<h3>II.</h3> + +<center><span class="smcap">On the Platform</span></center> + +<p><i>A Lady of Family.</i> Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear. +I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Looks out for an empty third-class compartment.</i></p> + +<center><span class="smcap">En Route</span></center> + +<p><i>The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner, +next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an +Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family).</i> Sorry to disturb you, mum, +but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.</p> + +<p><i>The L. of F.</i>???!!!</p> + +<p><i>The E. M. (considerately).</i> Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no +intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.</p> + +<p><i>The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.).</i> I think I've seen you about +Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>The L. of F.</i> It is very possible. I have been staying with some +friends in the neighbourhood.</p> + +<p><i>The C. W.</i> It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but +(<i>confidentially</i>) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a +place like that—a fash'nable place, too—there shouldn't be a single +'am an' beef shop?</p> + +<p><i>The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the +question).</i> What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, <i>dear</i> +me! No ham and beef shop!</p> + +<p><i>The C. W.</i> It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've +noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever +so, there isn't a place you could go to—leastways, at a moment's +notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?</p> + +<p><i>The L. of F. (faintly).</i> I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation.</p> + +<p><i>A Sententious Man.</i> Fried fish is very sustaining.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Eccentric Man.</i> Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was +kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad +'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (<i>Sentimentally.</i>) He was a kind +man, my father (<i>to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly</i>), though you +wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he +wasn't fond of his bit o' booze—(<i>the L. of F. looks out of +window</i>)—like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I +am—if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (<i>Hands that document +round for inspection.</i>) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (<i>To the L. +of F.</i>) Don't give it back before you've done with it—I'm in no 'urry, +and there's good reading in it. (<i>Points out certain favourite passages +with a very dirty forefinger.</i>) Begin there—<i>that's</i> my name.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she +can bring herself to assume.</i></p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> +<p><i>The Eccentric Man.</i> D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there? +That's the County Lunatic Asylum—where my poor wife is shut up. I went +to see her last week, I did. (<i>Relates his visit in detail to the L. of +F., who listens unwillingly.</i>) It's wonderful how many of our family +have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died +cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days +when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at +all out of the way, you'll know what it is.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage +are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from +his Fiancée as the L. of F. takes her seat.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Fiancé.</i> Excuse me one moment, ma'am.</p> + +<p>(<i>Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window.</i>) Well, goodbye, my +girl; take care of yourself.</p> + +<p><i>The Fiancée (with a hysterical giggle).</i> Oh, I'll take care o' <i>my</i> +self.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Looks at the roof of the carriage.</i></p> + +<p><i>He (with meaning).</i> No more pickled onions, eh?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> What a one you are to remember things! (<i>After a pause.</i>) Give my +love to Joe.</p> + +<p><i>He.</i> All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (<i>they embrace +loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of +mingled sentiment and complacency</i>). Oh, (<i>to L. of F.</i>) if you don't +mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between +this and Friday, just tell him as——</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;</i> +<i>final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiancé upon +the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar +significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who +is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds +with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the +rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiancé</i>.</p> + +<p><i>The F.</i> Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you——</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to +hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it +on. The L. of F. recoils in horror.</i></p> + +<p><i>Both Seafarers (reassuringly).</i> It's <i>wine</i>, mum!</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class +humanity has its drawbacks.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_100.png"> +<img src="images/i_100.png" width="100%" alt="Panic!" /></a> +<p><i>Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus).</i> +"What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their +train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_101.png"> +<img src="images/i_101.png" width="100%" alt="THE BRANCH STATION" /></a> +<h3>THE BRANCH STATION</h3> +<p><i>Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially +since the late outrages).</i> "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where +there are ladies, or respectable people, or——"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only +passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_102.png"> +<img src="images/i_102.png" width="100%" alt="A COOL CARD" /></a> +<h3>A COOL CARD</h3> +<p><i>Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party).</i> "Aw—would +you—aw—do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while +we're wunning down?—I've—aw—forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising +your voice—I'm pwecious deaf!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<img src="images/i_104.png" width="100%" alt="THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS" /> +<h3>THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS!</h3> +<p><i>Boy.</i> "Second-class, sir?"</p> +<p><i>Captain.</i> "I nevah travel second-class!"</p> +<p><i>Boy.</i> "This way third, sir!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_105.png"> +<img src="images/i_105.png" width="100%" alt="ART" /></a> +<h3>ART!</h3> +<p><i>Chatty Passenger.</i> "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o' +mine,—lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,—give the horder to one of +'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!—'spare no +expense!—with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know +what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe +it!—after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at +all!—but done by 'and!"—(<i>with withering contempt</i>)—"done by 'and, +sir!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_106.png"> +<img src="images/i_106.png" width="100%" alt="PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER" /></a> +<h3>PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER</h3> +<center>(<i>Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!</i>)</center><br /> +<p><i>First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing).</i> "I saw +poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things, +what will be done for 'em?" <i>Second Shunter (at points).</i> "Oh, the usual +thing, I s'ppose—company's blessin', and a charity mangle!—--Look +out, mate! She's backin'!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_108.png"> +<img src="images/i_108.png" width="100%" alt="BEHIND TIME" /></a> +<h3>BEHIND TIME</h3> +<p><i>Ticket Collector.</i> "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf +ticket!" <i>Mother (down upon him).</i> "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now, +mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many +hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Exit in triumph.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_109.png"> +<img src="images/i_109.png" width="100%" alt="FORCE OF HABIT" /></a> +<h3>"FORCE OF HABIT"</h3> +<p><i>Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of +the beadle).</i> "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_110.png"> +<img src="images/i_110.png" width="100%" alt="WHY TAKE A CHILL" /></a> +<h3>WHY TAKE A CHILL?</h3> +<p>If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as +Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at +your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as +they did—warm as muffins!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_112.png"> +<img src="images/i_112.png" width="100%" alt=" by your leave!" /></a> +<center><i>Railway Porter.</i> "Now then, sir! by your leave!"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_113.png"> +<img src="images/i_113.png" width="100%" alt="QUITE UNIMPORTANT" /></a> +<h3>QUITE UNIMPORTANT.</h3> +<p><i>Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has +just helped to alight).</i> "I beg your pardon?"</p> +<p><i>Haughty Damsel.</i> "I did not speak!"</p> +<p><i>Thompson.</i> "Oh—I thought you said 'Thanks'!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!</h2> + +<h3>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ</h3> + +<center>A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.</center> + +<p class="inset"><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—A Richmond Railway Carriage.</p> + +<p class="inset"><span class="smcap">Time.</span>—About 12 noon.</p> + +<p><i>Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring).</i> Hot, sir, +tremendously hot.</p> + +<p><i>Cool Young Party.</i> It is warm.</p> + +<p><i>C.O.G.</i> Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98° in the +shade!</p> + +<p><i>C. Y. P.</i> Really! is that much?</p> + +<p><i>C. O. G.</i> Much, sir! Immense!</p> + +<p><i>C. Y. P.</i> Well, then, the glass is perfectly right.</p> + +<p><i>C. O. G.</i> Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by +saying it is right, sir?</p> + +<p><i>C. Y. P.</i> I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the +shade as it can in this warm weather.</p> + +<p class="inset">[<i>Choleric Old Gentleman collapses.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_114.png"> +<img src="images/i_114.png" width="100%" alt=" I dare say nobody will come in" /></a> +<h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID</h3> +<p>"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer, +Janet."</p> +<p>"Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of +window, I dare say nobody will come in!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_115.png"> +<img src="images/i_115.png" width="100%" alt="SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION" /></a> +<h3>A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION</h3> +<p><i>Groom.</i> "Beg pardon, sir,—but wos your name Tomkins?" <i>Tomkins.</i> +"Yes!" <i>Groom.</i> "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry as +he couldn't send the feeaton—but, as his young 'oss wanted exercise, he +thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> + +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Suburban Hospitality.</span> <span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>A mile and a half to the railway +station, on a bitter winter's night.</i></center> + +<p><i>Genial Host (putting his head out of doors).</i> Heavens! what a night! +Not fit to turn a dog out! (<i>To the parting guest.</i>) Well, good-night, +old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_116.png"> +<img src="images/i_116.png" width="100%" alt="A LUXURIOUS HABIT" /></a> +<h3>A LUXURIOUS HABIT</h3> +<p><i>Philanthropist (to railway porter).</i> "Then what time do you get to +bed?"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause +o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further +down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and +never——"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Train rushes in, and the parties rush off.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hard Lines on Individuals.</span>—The compulsory purchase of land by a +railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the +seller's face.</p> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center>"<span class="smcap">The Roll of the Ages.</span>"—The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_117.png"> +<img src="images/i_117.png" width="100%" alt="THE OTHER WAY ABOUT" /></a> +<h3>"THE OTHER WAY ABOUT"</h3> +<p><i>Irate Passenger (as train is moving off).</i> "Why the —— didn't you put +my luggage<br /> in as I told you—you old ——"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "E—h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i' +the wrang train!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_118.png"> +<img src="images/i_118.png" width="100%" alt="Dogs not allowed" /></a> +<p><i>Railway Porter.</i> "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages, sir!"</p> +<p><i>Countryman.</i> "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak' +un oot then, young man!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE PORTER'S SLAM</h2> + +<center>[A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by +the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.]</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The porter has a patent "slam,"</p> +<p class="i2">Which smites one like a blow,</p> +<p class="i0">And everywhere that porter comes</p> +<p class="i2">That "slam" is sure to go.</p> +<p class="i0">It strikes upon the tym-pa-num</p> +<p class="i2">Like shock of dynamite;</p> +<p class="i0">By day it nearly makes you dumb—</p> +<p class="i2">It deafens you at night.</p> +<p class="i0">When startled by the patent "slam"</p> +<p class="i2">The pious "pas-sen-jare,"</p> +<p class="i0">Says something else that ends in "am"</p> +<p class="i2">(Or he has patience rare).</p> +<p class="i0">Not only does it cause a shock,</p> +<p class="i2">But—Manchester remarks—</p> +<p class="i0">"Depreciates the rolling stock,"</p> +<p class="i2">Well, that is rather larks!</p> +<p class="i0"><i>That's</i> not the point. The porter's slam</p> +<p class="i2">Conduces to insanity,</p> +<p class="i0">And, though as mild as Mary's lamb,</p> +<p class="i2">Drives men to loud profanity.</p> +<p class="i0">If Manchester the "slam" can stay</p> +<p class="i2">By raising of a stir,</p> +<p class="i0">All railway-travellers will say,</p> +<p class="i2">"Bully for Man-ches-ter!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_120.png"> +<img src="images/i_120.png" width="100%" alt="MANNERS AND CUSTOMS" /></a> +<h3>MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE IN 1849</h3> +<center>A raylway statyon. Showynge ye travellers refreshynge themselves.</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR. PIPS HIS DIARY</h2> + +<p><i>Tuesday, July 31, 1849.</i>—Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to +Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked +more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do +think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid +and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her +though I do not care 2<i>d.</i> about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> her! But am mightily troubled to know +whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat +uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and +vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me +altogether <i>£</i>6 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> To the Great Western station in a cab, by +reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and +bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone +there for 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the +first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and +the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it +is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the +carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle +off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty +lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my +wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for +her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us, +I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the <i>Times</i>, till one got in at +Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with +him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by +gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains +and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage, +and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do +mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So +to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment, +and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite, +notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the +refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling, +and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served +first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a +veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a +mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout! +Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a +start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half +of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the +train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of +a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of +railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world +altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and +to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but +thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon +station.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_122.png"> +<img src="images/i_122.png" width="100%" alt="NARCISSUS" /></a> +<h3>NARCISSUS</h3> +<p><i>Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer).</i> "Oh, I'm +not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty +gals."</p> +<p>Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll +soon have a carriage-full."</p> +<p class="inset">[Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_123.png"> +<img src="images/i_123.png" width="100%" alt="Boy passes ticket to coachman" /></a> +<p><i>Lionel (to his rich uncle's coachman, who has driven him +over to the station).</i> "And look here, Sawyer, give the governor this +accidental insurance ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and +if anything happens to me, there's a thousand pounds for him!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_124.png"> +<img src="images/i_124.png" width="100%" alt="COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON" /></a> +<h3>"COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"</h3> +<p><i>Guest.</i> "It's very kind of you to——"</p> +<p><i>Hosts.</i> "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with +you, and—seen the last of you——"!!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Small Potatoes.</span>—<i>Q.</i> Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush +and City Railway like certain vegetables?<br /><br /> + +<i>A.</i> Because they're "Tubers."</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_126.png"> +<img src="images/i_126.png" width="100%" alt="INOPPORTUNE" /></a> +<h3>INOPPORTUNE</h3> +<p><i>Newsboy (to irritable old gent who has just lost his train).</i> "Buy a +comic paper, sir?"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Luckily, the old gentleman was out of breath from his hurry.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE TYMPANUM</h2> + +<center>(<i>A Remonstrance at a Railway Station</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The tympanum! The tympanum!</p> +<p class="i0">Oh! who will save the aural drum</p> +<p class="i0">By softening to some gentler squeak</p> +<p class="i0">The whistle's shrill <i>staccato</i> shriek?</p> +<p class="i0">Oh! Engine-driver, did you know</p> +<p class="i0">How your blast smites one like a blow,</p> +<p class="i0">An inward shock, a racking strain,</p> +<p class="i0">A knife-like thrust of poignant pain,</p> +<p class="i0">Whilst groping through the tunnel murk</p> +<p class="i0">You would not with that fiendish jerk</p> +<p class="i0">Let out that <i>sudden</i> blast of steam</p> +<p class="i0">Whose screaming almost makes <i>us</i> scream</p> +<p class="i0">Thy whistle weird perchance may be</p> +<p class="i0">A sad and sore necessity,</p> +<p class="i0">But cannot Law and sense combine</p> +<p class="i0">To—well, in short to draw the line?—</p> +<p class="i0">Across the open let it shrill</p> +<p class="i0">From moor to moor, from hill to hill,</p> +<p class="i0">But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom,</p> +<p class="i0">The station's cramped reverberant room,</p> +<p class="i0">A gentler, <i>graduated</i> blast!</p> +<p class="i0"><i>Do</i> let it loose, whilst dashing past,</p> +<p class="i0">So shall it spare us many a pang;</p> +<p class="i0">That dread explosive bursting "bang"</p> +<p class="i0">Which nearly splits the aural drum,</p> +<p class="i0">The poor long-suffering tympanum!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_128.png"> +<img src="images/i_128.png" width="100%" alt="THE BLOCK SYSTEM" /></a> +<h3>"THE BLOCK SYSTEM"</h3> +<p><i>Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk—morning express just due).</i> "No, I'm +not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you +please; and can you tell me"—(<i>Shouts from the crowd</i>, "Now then, +mum!")—"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's +'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know, +'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it. +But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to +get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know, +when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the +trains—and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no +hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn——"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Bell rings. Position stormed.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> + +<h2>WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL</h2> + +<p>Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this +excursion season.</p> + +<p>Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to +start without somebody or other exclaiming, "<i>Now</i> we're off!"</p> + +<p>Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in +particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.</p> + +<p>Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any +station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding +him.</p> + +<p>Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such +increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being +broken.</p> + +<p>Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on +his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass, +and the temperature of the tropics.</p> + +<p>Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have +never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in <i>Bradshaw</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<p>Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the +very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the +ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants +of the company.</p> + +<p>Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a +week by the benevolence of passengers.</p> + +<p>Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents, +supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.</p> + +<p>Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so +redhilly accessible by railway.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">To the Station.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast.</p> + +<p>Wonder if that church clock is right.</p> + +<p>Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the +station.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Station.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p> + +<p>Wonder if I shall see him again.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I shall know him when I <i>do</i> see him again.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.</p> + +<p>Wonder where I take my ticket.</p> + +<p>Wonder in which pocket I put my gold.</p> + +<p>Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take.</p> + +<p>Wonder if that's another that I've just put down.</p> + +<p>Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage.</p> + +<p>Wonder where my luggage is.</p> + +<p>Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in +the cab.</p> + +<p>Wonder which is my train.</p> + +<p>Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the +writing-case.</p> + +<p>Wonder if it <i>will</i> be "all right" as the guard says it will be.</p> + +<p>Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper +van.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry.</p> + +<p>Wonder if they've got the <i>Times</i> of the day before yesterday, which I +haven't seen.</p> + +<p>Wonder if <i>Punch</i> of this week is out yet.</p> + +<p>Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry.</p> + +<p>Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead.</p> + +<p>Wonder if that's our bell for starting.</p> + +<p>Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to +know it again.</p> + +<p>Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage +for me.</p> + +<p>Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage.</p> + +<p>Wonder where they've put my luggage.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Journey.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder if my change is all right.</p> + +<p>Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling.</p> + +<p>Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove +off rapidly.</p> + +<p>Wonder if any one objects to smoking.</p> + +<p>Wonder that nobody does.</p> + +<p>Wonder where I put my lights.</p> + +<p>Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case.</p> + +<p>Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter +or left it in the cab.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p> +<p>Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights.</p> + +<p>Wonder that nobody has.</p> + +<p>Wonder when we can get some.</p> + +<p>Wonder if there's anything in the paper.</p> + +<p>Wonder why they don't cut it.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case.</p> + +<p>Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &c.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket.</p> + +<p>Wonder where I put my ticket.</p> + +<p>Wonder where I <i>could</i> have put my ticket.</p> + +<p>Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket.</p> + +<p>Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.</p> + +<p>Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.</p> + +<p>Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better +lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that, +too. We all wonder.</p> + +<p>Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.</p> + +<p>Wonder if we're going off the line.</p> + +<p>Wonder what station we stop at first.</p> + +<p>Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.</p> + +<p>Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the +porter, or left it in the cab.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock.</p> + +<p>Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">First Station.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.</p> + +<p>Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.</p> + +<p>Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.</p> + +<p>Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.</p> + +<p>Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.</p> + +<p>Wonder where the refreshment-room is.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to +where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get +back to my own carriage.</p> + +<p>Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> the eight trains, on any of +the eight lines, will come in suddenly.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Refreshment-Room.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder what's the best thing to take.</p> + +<p>Wonder whether soup's a good thing.</p> + +<p>Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my +mind, and will have some tea.</p> + +<p>Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea, +twice.</p> + +<p>Wonder if those buns are stale.</p> + +<p>Wonder if tea goes well with buns.</p> + +<p>Wonder what <i>does</i> go with buns.</p> + +<p>Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to +ask for sherry.</p> + +<p>Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.</p> + +<p>Wonder if that's our bell for starting.</p> + +<p>Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says +I've got exactly a minute and a half.</p> + +<p>Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.</p> + +<p>Wonder if that <i>is</i> our bell.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.</p> + +<p>Wonder how much tea and buns come to.</p> + +<p>Wonder where I put my small change.</p> + +<p>Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without +paying.</p> + +<p>Wonder they don't keep change ready.</p> + +<p>Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in +suddenly.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Platform.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder which is my carriage.</p> + +<p>Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for +the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to +wonder at that.</p> + +<p>Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet +anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p> +<p>Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my +change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my +carriage.</p> + +<p>Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.</p> + +<p>Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Carriage.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from +people crossing the rails in a large station.</p> + +<p>Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.</p> + +<p>Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself +comfortable.</p> + +<p>Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.</p> + +<p>Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever +had one.</p> + +<p>Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best +pocket for keeping tickets in.</p> + +<p>Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Journey</span><br />(<span class="smcap">Continued</span>).</center> + +<p>Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room +and get the change out of my half-crown.</p> + +<p>Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He +wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on +wondering.</p> + +<p>Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite +neighbour wonders if it does.</p> + +<p>Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.</p> + +<p>Wonder what's the matter.</p> + +<p>Wonder what it is.</p> + +<p>Wonder what it <i>can</i> be.</p> + +<p>Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.</p> + +<p>Wonder if the engine has broken down.</p> + +<p>Wonder if there's anything on the line.</p> + +<p>Wonder if the express is behind us.</p> + +<p>Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.</p> + +<p>Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.</p> + +<p>Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a +guard.</p> + +<p>Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">The Journey<br /> (Concluded).</span></center> + +<p>Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking +away with him.</p> + +<p>Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.</p> + +<p>Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.</p> + +<p>Wonder where their house is.</p> + +<p>Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.</p> + +<p>Wonder what a fly will charge.</p> + +<p>Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an +omnibus.</p> + +<p>Wonder what time they dine.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.</p> + +<p>Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard, +or left it in the cab.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I <i>did</i> leave it in the cab.</p> + +<p>Wonder if this is where I get out.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Small Station.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon, +it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or +Morley Vale, the next but one.</p> + +<p>Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.</p> + +<p>Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back +for my luggage to Morley Vale.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Stonnhurst.</span></center> + +<p>Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.</p> + +<p>Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.</p> + +<p>Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.</p> + +<p>Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way +place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> +<p>Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley +Vale.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.</p> + +<p>Wonder which <i>is</i> the road.</p> + +<p>Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.</p> + +<p>Wonder what I can have done with it.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out +my lights.</p> + +<p>Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_130.png"> +<img src="images/i_130.png" width="100%" alt="What's up, then" /></a> +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Chancery Lane "Tube" Station.</i></p> +<p><i>First Lift Man.</i> "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of +a chinge!"</p> +<p><i>Second Lift Man.</i> "What's up, then?"</p> +<p><i>First Lift Man (in impressive tones).</i> "Got shifted to the +<i>Bank</i>—beginnin' Monday!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_132.png"> +<img src="images/i_132.png" width="100%" alt="FOND DELUSION" /></a> +<h3>FOND DELUSION</h3> +<p><i>First Tourist (going north).</i> "Hullo, Tompk——"</p> +<p><i>Second Ditto (ditto, ditto).</i> "Hsh——sh! Confound it, you'll spoil +all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_134.png"> +<img src="images/i_134.png" width="100%" alt="FOR LADIES ONLY" /></a> +<h3>FOR LADIES ONLY</h3> +<center>"<span class="smcap">Reserved Carriages.</span>"<br /> (<i>See "Day by Day" in "Daily News"</i>)</center><br /> +<p>"If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the +ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump +into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink +at each other and a very objectionable grin."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_135.png"> +<img src="images/i_135.png" width="100%" alt="DISENCHANTMENT" /></a> +<h3>A DISENCHANTMENT</h3> +<p><i>Northern Crœsus.</i> "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke +Brown. The fact is, I've a <i>commission</i> for you!"</p> +<p><i>Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture).</i> "All +right—most happy—what is it to be?"</p> +<p><i>Northern Crœsus.</i> "Well—my aged grandmother is going to London by +this train—and I want to put her under your protection."</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_136.png"> +<img src="images/i_136.png" width="100%" alt="FIRST-CLASS COSTUME" /></a> +<h3>PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON</h3> +<p><i>Traveller.</i> "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of +security about it I rather like." (<i>Yawns.</i>) "Any chance of a smash +to-day!?"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Drops off to sleep!</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_137.png"> +<img src="images/i_137.png" width="100%" alt="JUDGING BY APPEARANCES" /></a> +<h3>JUDGING BY APPEARANCES</h3> +<p><i>Undersized Youth.</i> "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp! +How much?"</p> +<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_138.png"> +<img src="images/i_138.png" width="100%" alt="COLD COMFORT" /></a> +<h3>COLD COMFORT</h3> +<p><i>Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late).</i> "Porter, +when do you expect that train to come in?"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more +sure 'tis to come in the next minute."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> + +<h2>"THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"</h2> + +<center><span class="smcap">Our Artist's Notion of what we may expect if the Suggestion were Adopted</span></center> + +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%"> +<a href="images/i_140a.png"> +<img src="images/i_140a.png" width="100%" alt="refreshment bar" /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 95%"> +<a href="images/i_140b.png"> +<img src="images/i_140b.png" width="100%" alt="sleeping cradles" /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 95%"> +<a href="images/i_140c.png"> +<img src="images/i_140c.png" width="100%" alt="Rattles" /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_140d.png"> +<img src="images/i_140d.png" width="100%" alt="nurse guards" /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%"> +<a href="images/i_140e.png"> +<img src="images/i_140e.png" width="100%" alt="amusing toys" /></a> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +The saloon is fitted with refreshment bar, replete with all baby delicacies. +</td> +<td> +Patent swing sleeping cradles<br /> can be secured<br /> by wire or letter. +</td> +<td> +Rattles can be obtained at most<br /> of the large stations. +</td> +<td> +Efficient nurse guards, to look after the babies, travel by all trains. +</td> +<td> +The saloon is fitted with amusing toys, to beguile the tedium of long journeys. +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_141.png"> +<img src="images/i_141.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY PUZZLE" /></a> +<h3>RAILWAY PUZZLE</h3> +<center>To find the name of the station.</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_142.png"> +<img src="images/i_142.png" width="100%" alt="VICARIOUS" /></a> +<h3>VICARIOUS!</h3> +<center>(<i>On the Underground Railway</i>)</center> +<p><i>Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late).</i> "Confound and +D——!"</p> +<p><i>Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it).</i> "Oh, +thank you, <i>so</i> much!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_143.png"> +<img src="images/i_143.png" width="100%" alt="UNDERGROUND RAILWAY" /></a> +<h3>UNDERGROUND RAILWAY</h3> +<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency +would think of going down <i>that</i> way to it."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_144.png"> +<img src="images/i_144.png" width="100%" alt="REGULAR IRREGULARITY" /></a> +<h3>REGULAR IRREGULARITY</h3> +<p><i>Passenger (in a hurry).</i> "Is this train punctual?"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_146.png"> +<img src="images/i_146.png" width="100%" alt="Just saved it" /></a> +<p><i>Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost +difficulty, succeeded in catching train).</i> "Phew! Just saved it by +t'skin o' my <i>teeth</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_147.png"> +<img src="images/i_147.png" width="100%" alt="BETTER NOT TO KNOW" /></a> +<h3>"'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"</h3> +<p><i>Impudent Boy (generally).</i> "Try yer weight—only a penny!" (<i>To lady of +commanding proportions in particular.</i>) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a +hounce, mum!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_148.png"> +<img src="images/i_148.png" width="100%" alt="APPALLING DISCLOSURES" /></a> +<h3>APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE +CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.</h3> +<p><i>First Artist.</i> "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."</p> +<p><i>Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper).</i> "Well, I was at Stodge's +yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads—horrid raw +things—a dealer came in, sir—bought 'em directly—took 'em away, wet +as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some +more next week."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_150.png"> +<img src="images/i_150.png" width="100%" alt="NECESSITIES OF LIFE" /></a> +<h3>NECESSITIES OF LIFE</h3> +<p>"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent +on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the +bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue, +the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's +betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick—and if +I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first +station we stop at."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_151.png"> +<img src="images/i_151.png" width="100%" alt="A STRIKING ATTITUDE" /></a> +<h3>A STRIKING ATTITUDE</h3> +<p>Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_152.png"> +<img src="images/i_152.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT" /></a> +<h3>THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_153.png"> +<img src="images/i_153.png" width="100%" alt="AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER" /></a> +<h3>AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER</h3> +<p><i>Diner</i>. "Ticket."</p> +<p><i>Clerk</i>. "What station?"</p> +<p><i>Diner</i>. "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_154.png"> +<img src="images/i_154.png" width="100%" alt="THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM" /></a> +<h3>"THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"</h3> +<p><i>Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the +end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the +signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy +perplexity, suddenly).</i> "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35%"> +<a href="images/i_155.png"> +<img src="images/i_155.png" width="100%" alt="you reckon by legs on this line" /></a> +<p>"Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket. +How much?"</p> +<p>"Fourpence-halfpenny—threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for +yourself."</p> +<p>"Ah! you reckon by <i>legs</i> on this line."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_156.png"> +<img src="images/i_156.png" width="100%" alt="QUESTION SETTLED" /></a> +<h3>THE QUESTION SETTLED</h3> +<p><i>Mrs. M-l-pr-p.</i> "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions +would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Needless Panic.</span>—Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean +when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it +has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference +shares.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Thought by a Railway Director.</span>—Britannia used to rule the waves. She +now rules the land—with lines.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE OLD HALL</h2> + +<center>(<i>A Story of Delusive Aspirations</i>)</center> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_158a.png"> +<img src="images/i_158a.png" width="100%" alt="'ave you seen my old hall" /></a> +<p>1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an +elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter," +said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old +hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man—probably duke! Should like +to cultivate him!"</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_158c.png"> +<img src="images/i_158c.png" width="100%" alt="I've got all manner o' things in my old hall" /></a> +<p>2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said. +"Why—er—n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the +stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah—armour, +and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones +to himself.</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_158b.png"> +<img src="images/i_158b.png" width="100%" alt="You must see my old hall" /></a> +<p>3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the +ins and outs of it. I can put you up——" "Really very good of you!" +exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept——" "Put you up to no +hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_158d.png"> +<img src="images/i_158d.png" width="100%" alt="There—there's my old hall" /></a> +<p>4. They alighted at the terminus. "There—there's my old hall! Hain't it +a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a +groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>RULES FOR THE RAIL</h2> + +<center>A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS</center> + +<p>The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the +railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention +of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in +connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the +year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.</p> + +<p>1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst +the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not +apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on +to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.</p> + +<p>2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty +minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.</p> + +<p>3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers +in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the +rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no +inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by +day and by night as heretofore.</p> + +<p>4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them. +He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order +one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The +child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.</p> + +<p>5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> should never sleep at +the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to +prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.</p> + +<p>6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a +station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express +is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling +stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class +passengers.</p> + +<p>7. The <i>débris</i> of a train should be removed from the rails before an +express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken +place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to +the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.</p> + +<p>8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their +places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly +requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as +the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices +charged to the public for excursion tickets.</p> + +<p>9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on +the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.</p> + +<p>10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to +leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the +waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into +surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted +with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra +charge will be made to passengers using them.</p> + +<p>11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility +conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will +expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind) +any director convicted of travelling by any railway.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_159.png"> +<img src="images/i_159.png" width="100%" alt="ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES" /></a> +<h3>ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES</h3> +<p>"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"</p> +<p>"No, my lord."</p> +<p>"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."</p> +<p>"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third +class?"</p> +<p>"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class +tickets are for my lady and me!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_160.png"> +<img src="images/i_160.png" width="100%" alt="most alarming placard" /></a> +<p>The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have +made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled +railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station, +is the above most alarming placard.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_161.png"> +<img src="images/i_161.png" width="100%" alt="TIME BY THE FORELOCK" /></a> +<h3>"TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!</h3> +<p><i>Dodger.</i> "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my +train!"</p> +<p><i>Codger.</i> "Catch it, you mean."</p> +<p><i>Dodger.</i> "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I +always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta, +ta!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_162.png"> +<img src="images/i_162.png" width="100%" alt="the professor is not ready" /></a> +<h3>APRIL 1</h3> +<p><i>Mamma.</i> "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You <i>know +everything</i>. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>For once the professor is not ready.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_163.png"> +<img src="images/i_163.png" width="100%" alt="Have you missed it" /></a> +<h3>UNNECESSARY REMARKS</h3> +<center>"What! Have you missed it?"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_164.png"> +<img src="images/i_164.png" width="100%" alt="OVERCAST" /></a> +<h3>"OVERCAST"</h3> +<p>They were out for a day in the country—were late at the station—he +left it to her to take the tickets—a horrid crowd—frightfully hot—and +she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the +carriage.</p> +<p><i>He (cool and comfortable).</i> "How charming the yellow gorse——"</p> +<p><i>She (in a withering tone).</i> "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I +s'ppose!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Tacet!</i>]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_166.png"> +<img src="images/i_166.png" width="100%" alt="REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE" /></a> +<h3>A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE</h3> +<p><i>Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons).</i> "Won't yer make room +for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_167.png"> +<img src="images/i_167.png" width="100%" alt="PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK" /></a> +<h3>PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK</h3> +<p><i>Railway Gatesman.</i> "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate +like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer <i>ladyship</i> a +waitin'."</p> +<p><i>Noble Countess.</i> "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"</p> +<p><i>Railway Gatesman.</i> "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo +these ten minutes!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_168.png"> +<img src="images/i_168.png" width="100%" alt="THE NEWS" /></a> +<h3>"THE NEWS"</h3> +<p><i>Season-Ticket Holder (airily).</i> "'Morning, station-master. Anything +fresh?"</p> +<p><i>Station-Master ("bit of a wag").</i> "N-no, sir, not that I've—— +ah!—yes—now I think of it, sir—that's fresh paint you're leaning +agai——!"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Violent pas seul, with language to match.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_169.png"> +<img src="images/i_169.png" width="100%" alt="A REAL GRIEVANCE" /></a> +<h3>A REAL GRIEVANCE</h3> +<p><i>Porter at Junction.</i> "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and +not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The man who got in at Blackfriars</p> +<p class="i0">Was smoking the foulest of briars,</p> +<p class="i0">But it went out all right—</p> +<p class="i0">Could I give him a light?—</p> +<p class="i0">Hadn't got one—well, all men are liars.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I've frequently noticed the Temple</p> +<p class="i0">Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;</p> +<p class="i0">And that's why I've made</p> +<p class="i0">This verse somewhat blank,</p> +<p class="i0">And rather disregarded the metre.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">How <i>do</i> you pronounce Charing Cross?</p> +<p class="i0">It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.</p> +<p class="i2">Some people, of course,</p> +<p class="i2">Would rhyme it with "horse,"</p> +<p class="i0">But I always rhyme it with "hoss."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">A woman at Westminster Bridge</p> +<p class="i0">Had got just a speck on the ridge</p> +<p class="i2">Of her Romanesque nose.</p> +<p class="i2">"It's a black, I suppose,"</p> +<p class="i0">She observed. Then it flew—'twas a midge.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">One man from the Park of St. James,</p> +<p class="i0">Had really the loftiest aims;</p> +<p class="i2">In the hat-rack he sat,</p> +<p class="i2">Used my hair as a mat,</p> +<p class="i0">And when I demurred called me names.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I bought from the stall at Victoria</p> +<p class="i0">A horrible sixpenny story, a</p> +<p class="i2">Book of a kind</p> +<p class="i2">It pained me to find</p> +<p class="i0">For sale at our English emporia.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I found when I got to Sloane Square</p> +<p class="i0">That my ticket was gone; my despair</p> +<p class="i2">Was awful to see,</p> +<p class="i2">Till at last to my glee</p> +<p class="i0">I looked in my hat—it was there!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">As Shylock Said.</span>—<i>Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount.</i> +"Give me my principal, and let me go."</p> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_170.png"> +<img src="images/i_170.png" width="100%" alt="SO LIKELY" /></a> +<h3>SO LIKELY!</h3> +<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Bar of a railway refreshment-room.</i><br /><br /> +<i>Barmaid.</i>. "Tea, sir?"<br /><br /> +<i>Mr. Boozy.</i> "Tea!!! ME!!!!"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_172.png"> +<img src="images/i_172.png" width="100%" alt="SPEEDY RETRIBUTION" /></a> +<h3>A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION</h3> +<p><i>Small Boy.</i> "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."</p> +<p>[<i>Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket</i></p> +<p><i>Clerk.</i> "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"</p> +<p><i>Small Boy (indignantly).</i> "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"</p> +<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_173.png"> +<img src="images/i_173.png" width="100%" alt="A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS" /></a> +<h3>A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS</h3> +<p>By breathing on the glass—and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to +the window—you may generally keep your compartment select.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE</h2> + +<p>If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a +name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied +by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the +Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their +wedding-tour.</p> + +<p>If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> accompanied by a neat little +trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina +Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.</p> + +<p>If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a +tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A.R.A., is going to Brittany in +search of subjects.</p> + +<p>If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked +despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced +Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City +hurriedly for Spain.</p> + +<p>If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may +know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the +Detective Police) to follow the same <i>route</i> taken by Captain Bubble <i>en +voyage</i> for Spain.</p> + +<p>If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with +all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and +covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing +cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and +family are engaged in "doing" Europe.</p> + +<p>If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an +old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and +Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.</p> + +<p>If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick, +you may know that <i>Mr. Punch</i> is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_174.png"> +<img src="images/i_174.png" width="100%" alt="ADJUSTMENT" /></a> +<h3>ADJUSTMENT</h3> +<p><i>Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a +foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter).</i> +"Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"</p> +<p><i>Old Jinks.</i> "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water +tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the +way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_176.png"> +<img src="images/i_176.png" width="100%" alt="what are you waiting for?" /></a> +<p><i>Passenger.</i> "Well, you say you've put all my luggage +safe, what are you waiting for?—I thought you were forbidden to take +money!"</p> +<p><i>Porter.</i> "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it—it's 'given to us!'"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_177.png"> +<img src="images/i_177.png" width="100%" alt="THE LIMITED MALE" /></a> +<h3>THE LIMITED MALE.</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Song for Engine-Drivers before a Collision.</span>—"Whistle—and I'll come to +you, my lad."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">Reading</span> between the lines" is a dangerous occupation—when there's a +train coming.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The High-metalled Racer.</span>—A locomotive engine.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_178.png"> +<img src="images/i_178.png" width="100%" alt="DEFINITION WANTED" /></a> +<h3>A DEFINITION WANTED</h3> +<p>"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"</p> +<p>"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p> + +<h2>MY SEASON TICKET</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Ever against my breast,</p> +<p class="i0">Safe in my pocket pressed,</p> +<p class="i0">Ready at my behest,</p> +<p class="i2">Daintily pretty</p> +<p class="i0">Gilt-printed piece of leather,</p> +<p class="i0">Though fair or foul the weather,</p> +<p class="i0">Daily we go together</p> +<p class="i2">Up to the City.</p> +<p class="i0">Yet, as I ride at ease,</p> +<p class="i0">Papers strewn on my knees,</p> +<p class="i0">And I hear "Seasons, please!"</p> +<p class="i2">Shouted in warning:</p> +<p class="i0">Pockets I search in vain</p> +<p class="i0">All through and through again;</p> +<p class="i0">"Pray do not stop the train—</p> +<p class="i2">Lost it this morning.</p> +<p class="i0">No, I have not a card,</p> +<p class="i0">Nor can I pay you, guard—</p> +<p class="i0">Truly my lot is hard,</p> +<p class="i2">This is the reason,</p> +<p class="i0">Now I recall to mind</p> +<p class="i0">Changing my clothes, I find</p> +<p class="i0">I left them all behind,—</p> +<p class="i2">Money, cards, 'season.'"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for the South-Eastern Company's Refreshment Rooms.</span>—"O Swallow, +Swallow, flying, flying south!"</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_180.png"> +<img src="images/i_180.png" width="100%" alt="AN INQUIRING MIND" /></a> +<h3>AN INQUIRING MIND</h3> +<p>"Is this <i>our</i> train, aunty?"</p> +<p>"No, dear."</p> +<p>"Whose train is it?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_181.png"> +<img src="images/i_181.png" width="100%" alt="Railway Administration" /></a> +<p>["An 'Imperial Railway Administration' is now a part of +Chinese bureaucracy."—<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p> +<p>If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the +design of the locomotives, &c., as above.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_182.png"> +<img src="images/i_182.png" width="100%" alt="MASHONALAND RAILWAY" /></a> +<h3>MASHONALAND RAILWAY</h3> +<p>["Sir Charles Metcalfe, the engineer, is now busy at Umtali arranging +for the station at that place."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>]</p> +<p>Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_183.png"> +<img src="images/i_183.png" width="100%" alt="FLYING SCOTCHMAN" /></a> +<h3>THE FLYING SCOTCHMAN</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT A RAILWAY STATION</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Never the time and the train</p> +<p class="i2">And the station all together!</p> +<p class="i0">My watch—set "fast" in vain!</p> +<p class="i2">Slow cab—and foggy weather!</p> +<p class="i0">I have missed the express again.</p> +<p class="i0">It was all the porter's fault, not mine,</p> +<p class="i0">But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak,</p> +<p class="i0">His slowness and red tape combine</p> +<p class="i2">To make him take about a week</p> +<p class="i2">To label my bag—and he dared to speak,</p> +<p class="i2">When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine!</p> +<p class="i2">O epithet all incarnadine,</p> +<p class="i4">Leave, leave the lips of the working-man!</p> +<p class="i10">It is simply past</p> +<p class="i10">All bounds—aghast</p> +<p class="i4">My indignation scarce hold I can.</p> +<p class="i2">My watch may have helped to thus mislead,</p> +<p class="i2">My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed;</p> +<p class="i2">But still, however these things may be,</p> +<p class="i2">Out there on the platform wrangle we—</p> +<p class="i2">Oh, hot and strong slang I and he,</p> +<p class="i10">—I and he!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_184.png"> +<img src="images/i_184.png" width="100%" alt="SYMPATHY" /></a> +<h3>SYMPATHY</h3> +<p><i>Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been +"catching it" from the elder lady).</i> "Mother-'n-law?"</p> +<p><i>Wilkins (in still fainter whisper).</i> "Ye'"</p> +<p><i>Passenger.</i> "'Got just such 'nother!"</p> +<p class="indent">[<i>They console together at the next buffet.</i>]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_185.png"> +<img src="images/i_185.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any +carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the +Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal +blackguardism finds "sanctuary."</p> + +<p>The one duty of a guard—as of a watch—is to "keep time." He is not +expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not +bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs.</p> + +<p>No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then +a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute +can violently force his way into it.</p> + +<p>When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities +reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only +necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by +preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment +containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they +will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently +dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for +future operations.</p> + +<p>Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in +the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the +faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too +nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and +horse-play of the most offensive character.</p> + +<p>The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and +children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some +one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last.</p> + +<p>To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and +his sympathisers—if any—would be as tedious as superfluous; but the +combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the +Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and +perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into +unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the +frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That +autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and +holloaing, declare that <i>he</i> can't stop to interfere, <i>his</i> business +being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to +"keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing +"<i>Rule Britannia</i>" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've +had in the Hunderground."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_186.png"> +<img src="images/i_186.png" width="100%" alt="Where for, ma'am?" /></a> +<p><i>Ticket Clerk.</i> "Where for, ma'am?"</p> +<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "There! Lawk a mercy if I haven't forgot. Oh! mister, please +run over a few of the willages on this railway, will yer?"</p> +<p class="inset">[<i>Bell rings—Old Lady is swept away.</i>]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_187.png"> +<img src="images/i_187.png" width="100%" alt="YE RAILWAY STATION" /></a> +<h3>YE RAILWAY STATION DURING YE HOLIDAY TIME IN YE ROMAN PERIOD</h3> +<center>(From a rare old frieze (not) in ye British Museum)]</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_188.png"> +<img src="images/i_188.png" width="100%" alt="WAR'S ALARMS" /></a> +<h3>"WAR'S ALARMS"</h3> +<p><i>Timorous Old Lady (in a twitter).</i> "Are those cannon balls, +station-master?"</p> +<p><i>Station-Master (compassionately).</i> "Oh no, mu'm, they're only Dutch +cheeses, 'm', come by the Rotterdam boat last night—that's all, mu'm!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_189.png"> +<img src="images/i_189.png" width="100%" alt="THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER" /></a> +<h3>THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER</h3> +<center>A sketch at Aldersgate Street Station</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_190.png"> +<img src="images/i_190.png" width="100%" alt="OBSTRUCTIONISTS" /></a> +<h3>OBSTRUCTIONISTS IN A SMOKING CARRIAGE</h3> +</div> + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p><hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_191.png"> +<img src="images/i_191.png" width="100%" alt="TERMINUS TRIOLETS (1)" /></a> +</div> + +<h2>TERMINUS TRIOLETS</h2> + +<center><i>At Charing Cross.</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">To Paris by the tidal train.</p> +<p class="i2">Here, register this luggage, quick!</p> +<p class="i0">Why, all the world seems going, Jane,</p> +<p class="i0">To Paris by the tidal train.</p> +<p class="i0">It's blowing quite a hurricane;</p> +<p class="i2">I hope, my love, you won't be sick.</p> +<p class="i0">To Paris by the tidal train.</p> +<p class="i2">Here, register this luggage, quick!</p> +</div></div> + +<center><i>At Euston.</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">By Jove, I've run it precious near,</p> +<p class="i2">Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!</p> +<p class="i0">Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear,</p> +<p class="i0">By Jove, I've run it precious near.</p> +<p class="i0">Holloa!—that gun-case—hand it here,</p> +<p class="i2">The hat-box in the van can go.</p> +<p class="i0">By Jove, I've run it precious near!</p> +<p class="i2">Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!</p> +</div></div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> + +<center><i>At Liverpool Street.</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Six wholes, three halves, all second class.</p> +<p class="i2">The baby, mind, you might have killed her.</p> +<p class="i0">Oh, policeman, please to let us pass!</p> +<p class="i0">Six wholes, three halves, all second class,</p> +<p class="i0">To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass</p> +<p class="i2">Of people. Do come on, Matilda.</p> +<p class="i0">Six wholes, three halves, all second class.</p> +<p class="i2">The baby, mind, you might have killed her.</p> +</div></div> + +<center><i>At Victoria.</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Two first, return, to Brighton, please.</p> +<p class="i2">Oh, yes—we'll go in Pullman's car.</p> +<p class="i0">I like to travel at my ease;</p> +<p class="i0">Two first, return, to Brighton, please.</p> +<p class="i0">We're running down to breathe the breeze,</p> +<p class="i2">I can't from business go too far.</p> +<p class="i0">Two first, return, to Brighton, please.</p> +<p class="i2">Oh, yes—we'll go in Pullman's car.</p> +</div></div> + +<center><i>At Paddington.</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray;</p> +<p class="i2">Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?</p> +<p class="i0">How could he know we're wed to-day?</p> +<p class="i0">Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.</p> +<p class="i0">My darling, hide that white bouquet;</p> +<p class="i2">My head with champagne fumes is spinning.</p> +<p class="i0">Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.</p> +<p class="i2">Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?</p> +</div></div> + +<center><i>At Waterloo.</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more;</p> +<p class="i2">You'll write to mother now and then?</p> +<p class="i0">A sign from sea is sweet on shore,</p> +<p class="i0">Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more.</p> +<p class="i0">Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore,</p> +<p class="i2">Red eyes are never meant for men.</p> +<p class="i0">Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more;</p> +<p class="i2">You'll write to mother now and then?</p> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_192.png"> +<img src="images/i_192.png" width="100%" alt="at Paddington" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_193.png"> +<img src="images/i_193.png" width="100%" alt="The last link" /></a> +<center>"The last link is broken that bound me to thee"</center> +</div> + +<hr /><br /> +<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center> +<br /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK *** + +***** This file should be named 35027-h.htm or 35027-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/0/2/35027/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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