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diff --git a/34884.txt b/34884.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..80c1847 --- /dev/null +++ b/34884.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4040 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Tales Of The Trains, by Charles James Lever + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Tales Of The Trains + Being Some Chapters of Railroad Romance by Tilbury Tramp, + Queen's Messenger + +Author: Charles James Lever + +Illustrator: Phiz. + +Release Date: January 8, 2011 [EBook #34884] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TALES OF THE TRAINS *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +TALES OF THE TRAINS + +By Charles James Lever + +With Illustrations By Phiz. + +Boston: Little, Brown, And Company. + +1907. + + + + +TALES OF THE TRAINS: + +BEING SOME CHAPTERS OF RAILROAD ROMANCE + +By Tilbury Tramp, Queen's Messenger. + + + Bang, bang, bang! + Shake, shiver, and throb; + The sound of our feet Is the piston's beat, + And the opening valve our sob! + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + +Let no enthusiast of the pastoral or romantic school, no fair reader +with eyes "deeply, darkly, beautifully blue," sneer at the title of my +paper. I have written it after much and mature meditation. + +It would be absurd to deny that the great and material changes which +our progress in civilization and the arts effect, should not impress +literature as well as manners; that the tone of our thoughts, as much as +the temper of our actions, should not sympathize with the giant strides +of inventive genius. We have but to look abroad, and confess the fact. +The facilities of travel which our day confers, have given a new and +a different impulse to the human mind; the man is no longer deemed a +wonder who has journeyed some hundred miles from home,--the miracle will +soon be he who has not been everywhere. + +To persist, therefore, in dwelling on the same features, the same +fortunes, and the same characters of mankind, while all around us is +undergoing a great and a formidable revolution, appears to me as insane +an effort as though we should try to preserve our equilibrium during the +shock of an earthquake. + +The stage lost much of its fascination when, by the diffusion of +literature, men could read at home what once they were obliged to go +abroad to see. Historical novels, in the same way, failed to produce the +same excitement, as the readers became more conversant with the passages +of history which suggested them. The battle-and-murder school, the +raw-head-and-bloody-bones literature, pales before the commonest +coroner's inquest in the "Times;" and even Boz can scarce stand +competition with the _vie intime_ of a union workhouse. What, then, +is to be done? _Quae regio terrae_ remains to be explored? Have we not +ransacked every clime and country,--from the Russian to the Red Man, +from the domestic habits of Sweden to the wild life of the Prairies? +Have we not had kings and kaisers, popes, cardinals, and ministers, to +satiety? The land service and the sea service have furnished their quota +of scenes; and I am not sure but that the revenue and coast-guard may +have been pressed into the service. Personalities have been a stock +in trade to some, and coarse satires on well-known characters of +fashionable life have made the reputation of others. + +From the palace to the poorhouse, from the forum to the factory, all has +been searched and ransacked for a new view of life or a new picture +of manners. Some have even gone into the recesses of the earth, and +investigated the arcana of a coal-mine, in the hope of eliciting +a novelty. Yet, all this time, the great reformer has been left to +accomplish his operations without note or comment; and while thundering +along the earth or ploughing the sea with giant speed and giant power, +men have not endeavored to track his influence upon humanity, nor work +out any evidences of those strange changes he is effecting over the +whole surface of society. The steam-engine is not merely a power to +turn the wheels of mechanism,--it beats and throbs within the heart of +a nation, and is felt in every fibre and recognized in every sinew of +civilized man. + +How vain to tell us now of the lover's bark skimming the midnight sea, +or speak of a felucca and its pirate crew stealing stealthily across the +waters! A suitor would come to seek his mistress in the Iron Duke, of +three hundred horse-power; and a smuggler would have no chance, if he +had not a smoking-galley, with Watt's patent boilers! + +What absurdity to speak of a runaway couple, in vain pursued by an angry +parent, on the road to Gretna Green! An express engine, with a stoker +and a driver, would make the deserted father overtake them in no time! + +Instead of the characters of a story remaining stupidly in one place, +the novelist now can conduct his tale to the tune of thirty miles an +hour, and start his company in the first class of the Great Western. +No difficulty to preserve the unities! Here he journeys with bag and +baggage, and can bring twenty or more families along with him, if he +like. Not limiting the description of scenery to one place or spot, he +whisks his reader through a dozen counties in a chapter, and gives him +a bird's-eye glance of half England as he goes; thus, how original the +breaks which would arise from an occasional halt, what an afflicting +interruption to a love story, the cry of the guard, "Coventry, Coventry, +Coventry;" or, "Any gentleman, Tring, Tring, Tring;" with the +more agreeable interjection of "Tea or coffee, sir?--one brandy and +soda-water--'Times,' 'Chronicle,' or 'Globe.'" + +How would the great realities of life flash upon the reader's mind, +and how insensibly would he amalgamate fact with fiction! And, lastly, +think, reflect, what new catastrophe would open upon an author's +vision; for while, to the gentler novelist, like Mrs. Gore, an +eternal separation might ensue from starting with the wrong train, the +bloody-minded school would revel in explosions and concussions, rent +boilers, insane luggage-trains, flattening the old gentlemen like +buffers. Here is a vista for imagination, here is scope for at +least fifty years to come. I do not wish to allude to the accessory +consequences of this new literary school, though I am certain music and +the fine arts would both benefit by its introduction; and one of the +popular melodies of the day would be "We met; 't was in a tunnel." I +hope my literary brethren will appreciate the candor and generosity with +which I point out to them this new and unclaimed spot in Parnassus. No +petty jealousies, no miserable self-interests, have weighed with me. +I am willing to give them a share in my discovered country, well aware +that there is space and settlement for us all,--locations for every +fancy, allotments for every quality of genius. For myself I reserve +nothing; satisfied with the fame of a Columbus, I can look forward to a +glorious future, and endure all the neglect and indifference of present +ingratitude. Meanwhile, less with the hope of amusing the reader than +illustrating my theory, I shall jot down some of my own experiences, and +give them a short series of the "Romance of a Railroad." + +But, ere I begin, let me make one explanation for the benefit of the +reader and myself. + +The class of literature which I am now about to introduce to the public, +unhappily debars me from the employment of the habitual tone and the +ordinary aids to interest prescriptive right has conferred on the +novelist. I can neither commence with "It was late in the winter of +1754, as three travellers," etc., etc.; or, "The sun was setting" or, +"The moon was rising;" or, "The stars were twinkling;" or, "On the 15th +Feb., 1573, a figure, attired in the costume of northern Italy, was seen +to blow his nose;" or, in fact, is there a single limit to the mode in +which I may please to open my tale. My way lies in a country where there +are no roads, and there is no one to cry out, "Keep your own side of the +way." Now, then, for-- + + + + +THE COUPE OF THE NORTH MIDLAND + +[Illustration: 550] + +"The English are a lord-loving people, there's no doubt of it," was +the reflection I could not help making to myself, on hearing the +commentaries pronounced by my fellow-travellers in the North Midland, on +a passenger who had just taken his departure from amongst us. He was +a middle-aged man, of very prepossessing appearance, with a slow, +distinct, and somewhat emphatic mode of speaking. He had joined freely +and affably in the conversation of the party, contributing his share +in the observations made upon the several topics discussed, and always +expressing himself suitably and to the purpose; and although these are +gifts I am by no means ungrateful enough to hold cheaply, yet neither +was I prepared to hear such an universal burst of panegyric as followed +his exit. + +"The most agreeable man, so affable, so unaffected." "Always listened to +with such respect in the Upper House." + +"Splendid place, Treddleton,--eighteen hundred acres, they say, in the +demesne,--such a deer-park too." "And what a collection of Vandykes!" +"The Duke has a very high opinion of his--" + +"Income,--cannot be much under two hundred thousand, I should say." + +Such and such-like were the fragmentary comments upon one who, divested +of so many claims upon the respect and gratitude of his country, +had merely been pronounced a very well-bred and somewhat agreeable +gentleman. To have refused sympathy with a feeling so general would have +been to argue myself a member of the anti-corn law league, the repeal +association, or some similarly minded institution; so that I joined in +the grand chorus around, and manifested the happiness I experienced +in common with the rest, that a lord had travelled in our company, and +neither asked us to sit on the boiler nor on the top of the luggage, but +actually spoke to us and interchanged sentiments, as though we were even +intended by Providence for such communion. One little round-faced man +with a smooth cheek, devoid of beard, a. pair of twinkling gray eyes, +and a light brown wig, did not, however, contribute his suffrage to the +measure thus triumphantly carried, but sat with a very peculiar kind +of simper on his mouth, and with his head turned towards the window, as +though to avoid observation. He, I say, said nothing, but there was that +in the expression of his features that said, "I differ from you," as +palpably as though he had spoken it out in words. + +The theme once started was not soon dismissed; each seemed to vie with +his neighbor in his knowledge of the habits and opinions of the titled +orders, and a number of pleasant little pointless stories were told of +the nobility, which, if I could only remember and retail here, would +show the amiable feeling they entertain for the happiness of all the +world, and how glad they are when every one has enough to eat, and there +is no "leader" in the "Times" about the distress in the manufacturing +districts. The round-faced man eyed the speakers in turn, but never +uttered a word; and it was plain that he was falling very low in the +barometer of public opinion, from his incapacity to contribute a single +noble anecdote, even though the hero should be only a Lord Mayor, when +suddenly he said,-- + +"There was rather a queer sort of thing happened to me the last time I +went the Nottingham circuit." + +"Oh, do you belong to that circuit?" said a thin-faced old man in +spectacles. "Do you know Fitzroy Kelly?" + +"Is he in the hardware line? There was a chap of that name travelled +for Tingle and Crash; but he's done up, I think. He forged a bill +of exchange in Manchester, and is travelling now in another line of +business." + +"I mean the eminent lawyer, sir,--I know nothing of bagmen." + +"They're bagmen too," replied the other, with a little chuckling laugh, +"and pretty samples of honesty they hawk about with them, as I hear; but +no offence, gentlemen,--I'm a CG. myself." + +"A what?" said three or four together. + +"A commercial gentleman, in the tape, bobbin, and twist line, for +Rundle, Trundle, and Winningspin's house, one of the oldest in the +trade." + +Here was a tumble down with a vengeance,--from the noble Earl of Heaven +knows what and where, Knight of the Garter, Grand Cross of the Bath, +Knight of St. Patrick, to a mere C. G.,--a commercial gentleman, +travelling in the tape, bobbin, and twist line for the firm of Rundle, +Trundle, and Winningspin, of Leeds. The operation of steam condensing, +by letting in a stream of cold water, was the only simile I can find +for the sudden revulsion; and as many plethoric sobs, shrugs, and grunts +issued from the party as though they represented an engine under like +circumstances. All the aristocratic associations were put to flight at +once; it seemed profane to remember the Peerage in such company; and +a general silence ensued, each turning from time to time an angry look +towards the little bagman, whose _mal-a-propos_ speech had routed their +illustrious allusions. + +Somewhat tired of the stiff and uncomfortable calm that succeeded, I +ventured in a very meek and insinuating tone to remind the little man of +the reminiscence he had already begun, when interrupted by the unlucky +question as to his circuit. + +"Oh! it ain't much of a story," said he. "I should n't wonder if the +same kind of thing happens often,--mayhap, too, the gentlemen would not +like to hear it, though they might, after all, for there's a Duke in +it." + +There was that in the easy simplicity with which he said these words, +vouching for his good temper, which propitiated at once the feelings of +the others; and after a few half-expressed apologies for having already +interrupted him, they begged he would kindly relate the incident to +which he alluded. + +"It is about four years since," said he. "I was then in the +printed-calico way for a house in Nottingham; business was not very +good, my commission nothing to boast of--cotton looking down--nothing +lively but quilted woollens, so that I generally travelled in the third +class train. It wasn't pleasant, to be sure; the company, at the best of +times, a pretty considerable sprinkling of runaway recruits, prisoners +going to the assizes, and wounded people run over by the last train; but +it was cheap, and that suited me. Well, one morning I took my ticket as +usual, and was about to take my place, when I found every carriage was +full; there was not room for my little portmanteau in one of them; and +so I wandered up and down while the bell was ringing, shoving my ticket +into every one's face, and swearing I would bring the case before +Parliament, if they did not put on a special train for my own +accommodation, when a smart-looking chap called out to one of the +porters,-- + +"'Put that noisy little devil in the coupe; there's room for him there.' + +"And so they whipped my legs from under me, and chucked me in, banged +the door, and said, 'Go on;' and just as if the whole thing was waiting +for a commercial traveller to make it all right, away went the train at +twenty miles an hour. When I had time to look around, I perceived that I +had a fellow-traveller, rather tall and gentlemanly, with a sallow +face and dark whiskers; he wore a brown upper-coat, all covered with +velvet,--the collar, the breasts, and even the cuffs,--and I perceived +that he had a pair of fur shoes over his boots,--signs of one who liked +to make himself comfortable. He was reading the 'Morning Chronicle,' and +did not desist as I entered, so that I had abundant time to study every +little peculiarity of his personal appearance, unnoticed by him. + +"It was plain, from a number of little circumstances, that he belonged +to that class in life who have, so to say, the sunny side of existence. +The handsome rings which sparkled on his fingers, the massive gold +snuff-box which he coolly dropped into the pocket of the carriage, the +splendid repeater by which he checked the speed of the train, as though +to intimate you had better not be behind time with _me_, made me heave +an involuntary sigh over that strange but universal law of Providence by +which the goods of fortune are so unequally distributed. For about two +hours we journeyed thus, when at last my companion, who had opened +in succession some half-dozen newspapers, and, after skimming them +slightly, thrown them at his feet, turned to me, and said,-- + +"'Would you like to see the morning papers, sir?' pointing as he spoke, +with a kind of easy indifference, to the pile before him. 'There's the +"Chronicle," "Times," "Globe," "Sun," and "Examiner;" take your choice, +sir.' + +"And with that he yawned, stretched himself, and, letting down the +glass, looked out; thereby turning his back on me, and not paying the +slightest attention to the grateful thanks by which I accepted his +offer. + +"'Devilish haughty,' thought I; 'should n't wonder if he was one of the +great mill-owners here,--great swells they are, I hear.' + +"'Ah! you read the "Times," I perceive,' said he, turning round, and +fixing a steadfast and piercing look on me; 'you read the "Times,"--a +rascally paper, an infamous paper, sir, a dishonest paper. Their +opposition to the new poor law is a mere trick, and their support of the +Peel party a contemptible change of principles.' + +"Lord! how I wished I had taken up the 'Chronicle'! I would have paid a +week's subscription to have been able to smuggle the 'Examiner' into my +hand at that moment. + +"'I 'm a Whig, sir,' said he; 'and neither ashamed nor afraid to +make the avowal,--a Whig of the old Charles Fox school,--a Whig +who understands how to combine the happiness of the people with the +privileges of the aristocracy.' + +"And as he spoke he knitted his brows, and frowned at me, as though I +were Jack Cade bent upon pulling down the Church, and annihilating the +monarchy of these realms. + +"'You may think differently,' continued he,--'I perceive you do: never +mind, have the manliness to avow your opinions. You may speak freely to +one who is never in the habit of concealing his own; indeed, I flatter +myself that they are pretty well known by this time.' + +"'Who can he be?' thought I. 'Lord John is a little man, Lord Melbourne +is a fat one; can it be Lord Nor-manby, or is it Lord Howick?' And so +I went on to myself, repeating the whole Whig Peerage, and then, coming +down to the Lower House, I went over every name I could think of, down +to the lowest round of the ladder, never stopping till I came to the +member for Sudbury. + +"'It ain't him,' thought I; 'he has a lisp, and never could have such a +fine coat as that.' + +"'Have you considered, sir,' said he, 'where your Toryism will lead +you to? Have you reflected that you of the middle class--I presume you +belong to that order?' + +"I bowed, and muttered something about printed cottons. + +"'Have you considered that by unjustly denying the rights of the lower +orders under the impression that you are preserving the prerogative of +the throne, that you are really undermining our order?' + +"'God forgive us,' ejaculated I. 'I hope we are not.' + +"'But you are,' said he; 'it is you, and others like you, who will +not see the anomalous social condition of our country. You make no +concessions until wrung from you; you yield nothing except extorted by +force; the finances of the country are in a ruinous condition,--trade +stagnated.' + +"'Quite true,' said I; 'Wriggles and Briggs stopped payment on Tuesday; +there won't be one and fourpence in the pound.' + +"'D--n Wriggles and Briggs!' said he; 'don't talk to me of such +contemptible cotton-spinner--' + +"'They were in the hardware line,--plated dish-covers, japans, and +bronze fenders.' + +"'Confound their fenders!' cried he again; 'it is not of such grubbing +fabricators of frying-pans and fire-irons I speak; it is of the trade of +this mighty nation,--our exports, our imports, our colonial trade, our +foreign trade, our trade with the East, our trade with the West, our +trade with the Hindoos, our trade with the Esquimaux.' + +"'He's Secretary for the Colonies; he has the whole thing at his +finger-ends.' + +[Illustration: 556] + +"'Yes, sir,' said he, with another frown, 'our trade with the +Esquimaux.' + +"'Bears are pretty brisk, too,' said I; 'but foxes is falling,--there +will be no stir in squirrels till near spring. I heard it myself from +Snaggs, who is in that line.' + +"'D--n Snaggs,' said he, scowling at me. + +"'Well, d--n him,' said I, too; 'he owes me thirteen and fonrpence, +balance of a little account between us.' + +"This unlucky speech of mine seemed to have totally disgusted my +aristocratic companion, for he drew his cap down over his eyes, folded +his arms upon his breast, stretched out his legs, and soon fell asleep; +not, however, with such due regard to the privileges of the humbler +classes as became One of his benevolent Whig principles, for he fell +over against me, flattening me into a corner of the vehicle, where he +used me as a bolster, and this for thirty-two miles of the journey. + +"'Where are we?' said he, starting up suddenly; 'what's the name of this +place?' + +"'This is Stretton,' said I. 'I must look sharp, for I get out at +Chesterfield.' + +"'Are you known here,' said my companion, 'to any one in these parts?' + +"'No,' said I, 'it is my first turn on this road.' + +"He seemed to reflect for some moments, and then said, 'You pass the +night at Chesterfield, don't you?' and, without waiting for my answer, +added, 'Well, we 'll take a bit of dinner there. You can order it,--six +sharp. Take care they have fish,--it would be as well that you tasted +the sherry; and, mark me! not a word about me;' and with that he placed +his finger on his lips, as though to impress me with inviolable secrecy. +'Do you mind, not a word.' + +"'I shall be most happy,' said I, 'to have the pleasure of your company; +but there's no risk of my mentioning your name, as I have not the honor +to know it.' + +"'My name is Cavendish,' said he, with a very peculiar smile and a toss +of his head, as though to imply that I was something of an ignoramus not +to be aware of it. + +"'Mine is Baggs,' said I, thinking it only fair to exchange. + +"'With all my heart, Raggs,' said he, 'we dine together,--that's agreed. +You 'll see that everything's right, for I don't wish to be recognized +down here;' and at these words, uttered rather in the tone of a +command, my companion opened a pocket-book, and commenced making certain +memoranda with his pencil, totally unmindful of me and of my concurrence +in his arrangements. + +"'Chesterfield, Chesterfield, Chesterfield,--any gentleman for +Chesterfield?' shouted the porters, opening and shutting doors, as they +cried, with a rapidity well suited to their utterance. + +"'We get out here,' said I; and my companion at the same moment +descended from the carriage, and, with an air of very aristocratic +indifference, ordered his luggage to be placed in a cab. It was just at +this instant that my eye caught the envelope of one of the newspapers +which had fallen at my feet, and, delighted at this opportunity of +discovering something more of my companion, I took it up and read--what +do you think I read?--true as I sit here, gentlemen, the words were, +'His Grace the Duke of Devonshire, Devonshire House.' Lord bless me, if +all Nottingham, had taken the benefit of the act I could n't be more of +a heap,--a cold shivering came over me at the bare thought of anything I +might have said to so illustrious a personage. 'No wonder he should d--n +Snaggs,' thought I. 'Snaggs is a low, sneaking scoundrel, not fit to +clean his Grace's shoes.' + +"'Hallo, Raggs, are you ready?' cried the Duke. + +"'Yes, your Grace--my Lord--yes, sir,' said I, not knowing how to +conceal my knowledge of his real station. I would have given five +shillings to be let sit outside with the driver, rather than crush +myself into the little cab, and squeeze the Duke up in the corner. + +"'We must have no politics, friend Raggs,' said he, as we drove +along,--'you and I can't agree, that's plain.' + +"'Heaven forbid, your Grace; that is, sir,' said I, 'that I should have +any opinions displeasing to you. My views--' + +"'Are necessarily narrow-minded and miserable. I know it, Raggs. I can +conceive how creatures in your kind of life follow the track of opinion, +just as they do the track of the road, neither daring to think or +reflect for themselves. It is a sad and a humiliating picture of human +nature, and I have often grieved at it.' Here his Grace blew his nose, +and seemed really affected at the degraded condition of commercial +travellers. + +"I must not dwell longer on the conversation between us,--if that, +indeed, be called conversation where the Duke spoke and I listened; for, +from the moment the dinner appeared,--and a very nice little clinner it +was: soup, fish, two roasts, sweets, and a piece of cheese,--his Grace +ate as if he had not a French cook at home, and the best cellar in +England. + +"'What do you drink, Raggs?' said he; 'Burgundy is my favorite, though +Brodie says it won't do for me; at least when I have much to do in +"the House." Strange thing, very strange thing I am going to mention to +you,--no Cavendish can drink Chambertin,--it is something hereditary. +Chambers mentioned to me one day that very few of the English nobility +are without some little idiosyncrasy of that kind. The Churchills never +can taste gin; the St. Maurs faint if they see strawberries and cream.' + +"'The Baggs,' said I, 'never could eat tripe.' I hope he did n't say +'D--n the Baggs;' but I almost fear he did. + +"The Duke ordered up the landlord, and, after getting the whole state +of the cellar made known, desired three bottles of claret to be sent up, +and despatched a messenger through the town to search for olives. 'We +are very backward, Raggs,' said he. 'In England we have no idea of life, +nor shall we, as long as these confounded Tories remain in power. With +free trade, sir, we should have the productions of France and Italy upon +our tables, without the ruinous expenditure they at present cost.' + +"'You don't much care for that,' said I, venturing a half-hint at his +condition. + +"'No,' said he, frankly; 'I confess I do not. But I am not selfish, and +would extend my good wishes to others. How do you like that Lafitte? A +little tart,--a Very little. It drinks cold,--don't you think so?' + +"'It is a freezing mixture,' said I. 'If I dare to ask for a warm +with--' + +"'Take what you like, Raggs--only don't ask me to be of the party;' and +with that he gazed at the wine between himself and the candle with the +glance of a true connoisseur. + +[Illustration: 560] + +"'I'll tell you,' said he, 'a little occurrence which happened me some +years since, not far from this; in fact, I may confess to you, it was at +Chatsworth. George the Forth came down on a visit to us for a few days +in the shooting-season,--not that he cared for sport, but it was an +excuse for something to do. Well, the evening he arrived, he dined in +his own apartment, nobody with him but--' + +"Just at this instant the landlord entered, with a most obsequious face +and an air of great secrecy. + +"'I beg pardon, gentlemen,' said he; 'but there's a carriage come over +from Chats worth, and the footman won't give the name of the gentleman +he wants.' + +"'Quite right,--quite right,' said the Duke, waving his hand. 'Let the +carriage wait. Come, Raggs, you seem to have nothing before you.' + +"'Bless your Grace,' said I, 'I 'm at the end of my third tumbler.' + +"'Never mind,--mix another;' and with that he pushed the decanter of +brandy towards me, and filled his own glass to the brim. + +"'Your health, Raggs,--I rather like you. I confess,' continued he, +'I've had rather a prejudice against your order. There is something +d----d low in cutting about the country with patterns in a bag.' + +"'We don't,' said I, rather nettled; 'we carry a pocket-book like this.' +And here I produced my specimen order; but with one shy of his foot the +Duke sent it flying to the ceiling, as he exclaimed,-- + +"'Confound your patchwork!--try to be a gentleman for once!' + +"'So I will, then,' said I. 'Here's your health, Devonshire.' + +"'Take care,--take care,' said he, solemnly. 'Don't dare to take any +liberties with me,--they won't do;' and the words made my blood freeze. + +"I tossed off a glass neat to gain courage; for my head swam round, and +I thought I saw his Grace sitting before me, in his dress as Knight of +the Garter, with a coronet on his head, his 'George' round his neck, and +he was frowning at me most awfully. + +"'I did n't mean it,' said I, pitifully. 'I am only a bagman, but very +well known on the western road,--could get security for three hundred +pounds, any day, in soft goods.' + +"'I am not angry, old Raggs,' said the Duke. 'None of my family ever +bear malice. Let us have a toast,--"A speedy return to our rightful +position on the Treasury benches."' + +"I pledged his Grace with every enthusiasm; and when I laid my glass on +the table, he wrung my hand warmly and said,-- + +"'Raggs, I must do something for you.' + +"From that moment I felt my fortune was made. The friendship--and was I +wrong in giving it that title?--the friendship of such a man was success +assured; and as I sipped my liquor, I ran over in my mind the various +little posts and offices I would accept of or decline. They 'll be +offering me some chief-justiceship in Gambia, or to be port-surveyor in +the Isle of Dogs, or something of that kind; but I won't take it, nor +will I go out as bishop, nor commander of the forces, nor collector of +customs to any newly discovered island in the Pacific Ocean. 'I must +have something at home here; I never could bear a sea-voyage,' said I, +aloud, concluding my meditation by this reflection. + +"'Why, you are half-seas-over already, Raggs,' said the Duke, as he sat +puffing his cigar in all the luxury of a Pacha. 'I say,' continued he, +'do you ever play a hand at _ecarte_, or _vingt-et-un_, or any other +game for two?' + +"'I can do a little at five-and-ten,' said I, timidly; for it is rather +a vulgar game, and I did n't half fancy confessing it was my favorite. + +"'Five-and-ten!' said the Duke; 'that is a game exploded even from +the housekeeper's room. I doubt if they'd play it in the kitchen of a +respectable family. Can you do nothing else?' + +"Pope-joan and pitch-and-toss were then the extent of my +accomplishments; but I was actually afraid to own to them; and so I +shook my head in token of dissent. + +"'Well, be it so,' said he, with a sigh. 'Touch that bell, and let us +see if they have a pack of cards in the house.' + +"The cards were soon brought, a little table with a green baize +covering--it might have been a hearth-rug for coarseness--placed at the +fire, and down we sat. We played till the day was beginning to break, +chatting and sipping between time; and although the stakes were only +sixpences, the Duke won eight pounds odd shillings, and I had to give +him an order on a house in Leeds for the amount. I cared little for the +loss, it is true. The money was well invested,--somewhat more profitably +than the 'three-and-a-halfs,' any way. + +"'Those horses,' said the Duke,--'those horses will feel a bit cold +or so by this time. So I think, Raggs, I must take my leave of you. We +shall meet again, I 've no doubt, some of these days. I believe you know +where to find me in town?' + +"'I should think so,' said I, with a look that conveyed more than mere +words. 'It is not such a difficult matter.' + +"'Well, then, good-bye, old fellow,' said he, with as warm a shake of +the hand as ever I felt in my life. 'Goodbye. I have told you to make +use of me, and, I repeat it, I 'll be as good as my word. We are not in +just now; but there 's no knowing what may turn up. _Besides, whether in +office or out, we are never without our influence_.' + +"What extent of professions my gratitude led me into, I cannot clearly +remember now; but I have a half-recollection of pledging his Grace in +something very strong, and getting a fit of coughing in an attempt +to cheer, amid which he drove off as fast as the horses could travel, +waving me a last adieu from the carriage window. + +"As I jogged along the road on the following day, one only passage of +the preceding night kept continually recurring to my mind. Whether it +was that his Grace spoke the words with a peculiar emphasis, or that +this last blow on the drum had erased all memory of previous sounds; but +so it was,--I continued to repeat as I went, 'Whether in office or out, +we have always our influence.' + +"This sentence became my guiding star wherever I went. It supported me +in every casualty and under every misfortune. Wet through with rain, +late for a coach, soaked in a damp bed, half starved by a bad dinner, +overcharged in an inn, upset on the road, without hope, without an +'order,' I had only to fall back upon my talisman, and rarely had to +mutter it twice, ere visions of official wealth and power floated before +me, and imagination conjured up gorgeous dreams of bliss, bright enough +to dispel the darkest gloom of evil fortune; and as poets dream of fairy +forms skipping from the bells of flowers by moonlight, and light-footed +elves disporting in the deep cells of water-lilies or sailing along some +glittering stream, the boat a plantain-leaf, so did I revel in imaginary +festivals, surrounded by peers and marquises, and thought I was +hobnobbing with 'the Duke,' or dancing a cotillon with Lord Brougham at +Windsor. + +"I began to doubt if a highly imaginative temperament, a richly endowed +fancy, a mind glowing with bright and glittering conceptions, an +organization strongly poetical, be gifts suited to the career and +habits of a commercial traveller. The base and grovelling tastes of +manufacturing districts, the low tone of country shopkeepers, the mean +and narrow-minded habits of people in the hardware line, distress +and irritate a man with tastes and aspirations above smoke-jacks and +saucepans. _He_ may, it is true, sometimes undervalue them; _they_ +never, by any chance, can understand him. Thus was it from the hour +I made the Duke's acquaintance,--business went ill with me; the very +philosophy that supported me under all my trial seemed only to offend +them; and more than once I was insulted, because I said at parting, +'Never mind,--in office or out, we have always our influence.' The end +of it was, I lost my situation; my employers coolly said that my brain +did n't seem all right, and they sent me about my business,--a pleasant +phrase that,--for when a man is turned adrift upon the world, without +an object or an occupation, with nowhere to go to, nothing to do, and, +mayhap, nothing to eat, he is then said to be sent about his business. +Can it mean that his only business then is to drown himself? Such +were not my thoughts, assuredly. I made my late master a low bow, and, +muttering my old _refrain_ 'In office or out,' etc., took my leave and +walked off. For a day or two I hunted the coffee-houses to read all the +newspapers, and discover, if I could, what government situations were +then vacant; for I knew that the great secret in these matters is always +to ask for some definite post or employment, because the refusal, if you +meet it, suggests the impression of disappointment, and, although they +won't make you a Treasury Lord, there 's no saying but they may appoint +you a Tide-waiter. I fell upon evil days,--excepting a Consul for +Timbuctoo, and a Lord Lieutenant for Ireland, there was nothing +wanting,--the latter actually, as the 'Times' said, was going a-begging. +In the corner of the paper, however, almost hidden from view, I +discovered that a collector of customs--I forget where exactly--had +been eaten by a crocodile, and his post was in the gift of the Colonial +Office. 'Come, here's the very thing for me,' thought I. '" In office or +out"--now for it;' and with that I hurried to my lodgings to dress for +my interview with his Grace of Devonshire. + +"There is a strange flutter of expectancy, doubt, and pleasure in the +preparation one makes to visit a person whose exalted sphere and higher +rank have made him a patron to you. It is like the sensation felt on +entering a large shop with your book of patterns, anxious and fearful +whether you may leave without an order. Such in great part were my +feelings as I drove along towards Devonshire House; and although pretty +certain of the cordial reception that awaited me, I did not exactly like +the notion of descending to ask a favor. + +"Every stroke of the great knocker was answered by a throb at my own +side, if not as loud, at least as moving, for my summons was left +unanswered for full ten minutes. Then, when I was meditating on +the propriety of a second appeal, the door was opened and a very +sleepy-looking footman asked me, rather gruffly, what I wanted. + +"'To see his Grace; he is at home, is n't he?' + +"'Yes, he is at home, but you cannot see him at this hour; he's at +breakfast.' + +"'No matter,' said I, with the easy confidence our former friendship +inspired; 'just step up and say Mr. Baggs, of the Northern +Circuit,--Baggs, do you mind?' + +"'I should like to see myself give such a message,' replied the fellow, +with an insolent drawl; 'leave your name here, and come back for your +answer.' + +"'Take this, scullion,' said I, haughtily, drawing forth my card, which +I did n't fancy producing at first, because it set forth as how I was +commercial traveller in the long hose and flannel way, for a house in +Glasgow. 'Say he is the gentleman his Grace dined with at Chesterfield +in March last.' + +"The mention of a dinner struck the fellow with such amazement that +without venturing another word, or even a glance at my card, he mounted +the stairs to apprise the Duke of my presence. + +"'This way, sir; his Grace will see you,' said he, in a very modified +tone, as he returned in a few minutes after. + +"I threw on him a look of scowling contempt at the alter-ation his +manner had undergone, and followed him upstairs. After passing through +several splendid apartments, he opened one side of a folding-door, and +calling out 'Mr. Baggs,' shut it behind me, leaving me in the presence +of a very distinguished-looking personage, seated at breakfast beside +the fire. + +"'I believe you are the person that has the Blenheim spaniels,' said his +Grace, scarce turning his head towards me as he spoke. + +"'No, my Lord, no,--never had a dog in my life; but are you--are you the +Duke of Devonshire?' cried I, in a very faltering voice. + +"'I believe so, sir,' said he, standing up and gazing at me with a look +of bewildered astonishment I can never forget. + +"'Dear me,' said I, 'how your Grace is altered! You were as large again +last April, when we travelled down to Nottingham. Them light French +wines, they are ruining your constitution; I knew they would.' + +"The Duke made no answer, but rang the bell violently for some seconds. + +"'Bless my heart,' said I, 'it surely can't be that I 'm mistaken. It's +not possible it wasn't your Grace.' + +"'Who is this man?' said the Duke, as the servant appeared in answer to +the bell. 'Who let him upstairs?' + +"'Mr. Baggs, your Grace,' he said. 'He dined with your Grace at--' + +"'Take him away, give him in charge to the police; the fellow must be +punished for his insolence.' + +"My head was whirling, and my faculties were all astray. I neither knew +what I said, nor what happened after, save that I felt myself half led, +half pushed, down the stairs I had mounted so confidently five minutes +before, while the liveried rascal kept dinning into my ears some threats +about two months' imprisonment and hard labor. Just as we were passing +through the hall, however, the door of a front-parlor opened, and a +gentleman in a very elegant dressing-gown stepped out. I had neither +time nor inclination to mark his features,--my own case absorbed me +too completely. 'I am an unlucky wretch,' said I, aloud. 'Nothing ever +prospers with me.' + +"'Cheer up, old boy,' said he of the dressing-gown: 'fortune will take +another turn yet; but I do confess you hold miserable cards.' + +"The voice as he spoke aroused me. I turned about, and there stood my +companion at Chesterfield. + +"'His Grace wants you, Mr. Cavendish,' said the footman, as he opened +the door for me. + +"'Let him go, Thomas,' said Mr. Cavendish. 'There's no harm in old +Raggs.' + +"'Isn't he the Duke?' gasped I, as he tripped upstairs without noticing +me further. + +"'The Duke,--no, bless your heart, he's his gentleman!' + +"Here was an end of all my cherished hopes and dreams of patronage. The +aristocratic leader of fashion, the great owner of palaces, the Whig +autocrat, tumbled down into a creature that aired newspapers and scented +pocket-handkerchiefs. Never tell me of the manners of the titled classes +again. Here was a specimen that will satisfy my craving for a life long; +and if the reflection be so strong, what must be the body which causes +it!" + +[Illustration: 567] + + + + +THE WHITE LACE BONNET + +[Illustration: 568] + +It is about two years since I was one of that strange and busy mob +of some five hundred people who were assembled on the platform in the +Euston-Square station a few minutes previous to the starting of the +morning mail-train for Birmingham. To the unoccupied observer the +scene might have been an amusing one; the little domestic incidents +of leave-taking and embracing, the careful looking after luggage and +parcels, the watchful anxieties for a lost cloak or a stray carpet-bag, +blending with the affectionate farewells of parting, are all curious, +while the studious preparation for comfort of the old gentleman in the +_coupe_ oddly contrast with similar arrangements on a more limited scale +by the poor soldier's wife in the third-class carriage. + +Small as the segment of humanity is, it is a type of the great world to +which it belongs. + +I sauntered carelessly along the boarded terrace, investigating, by the +light of the guard's lantern, the inmates of the different carriages, +and, calling to my assistance my tact as a physiognomist as to what +party I should select for my fellow-passengers,--"Not in there, +assuredly," said I to myself, as I saw the aquiline noses and dark eyes +of two Hamburgh Jews; "nor here, either,--I cannot stand a day in a +nursery; nor will this party suit me, that old gentleman is snoring +already;" and so I walked on until at last I bethought me of an empty +carriage, as at least possessing negative benefits, since positive ones +were denied me. Scarcely had the churlish determination seized me, when +the glare of the light fell upon the side of a bonnet of white lace, +through whose transparent texture a singularly lovely profile could +be seen. Features purely Greek in their character, tinged with a most +delicate color, were defined by a dark mass of hair, worn in a deep band +along the cheek almost to the chin. There was a sweetness, a look of +guileless innocence, in the character of the face which, even by the +flitting light of the lantern, struck me strongly. I made the guard +halt, and peeped into the carriage as if seeking for a friend. By the +uncertain flickering, I could detect the figure of a man, apparently +a young one, by the lady's side; the carriage had no other traveller. +"This will do," thought I, as I opened the door, and took my place on +the opposite side. + +Every traveller knows that locomotion must precede conversation; the +veriest commonplace cannot be hazarded till the piston is in motion or +the paddles are flapping. The word "Go on" is as much for the passengers +as the vehicle, and the train and the tongues are set in movement +together; as for myself, I have been long upon the road, and might +travesty the words of our native poet, and say,-- + + "My home is on the highway." + +I have therefore cultivated, and I trust with some success, the tact of +divining the characters, condition, and rank of fellow-travellers,--the +speculation on whose peculiarities has often served to wile away the +tediousness of many a wearisome road and many an uninteresting journey. + +The little lamp which hung aloft gave me but slight opportunity of +prosecuting my favorite study on this occasion. All that I could trace +was the outline of a young and delicately formed girl, enveloped in a +cashmere shawl,--a slight and inadequate muffling for the road at such +a season. The gentleman at her side was attired in what seemed a +dress-coat, nor was he provided with any other defence against the cold +of the morning. + +Scarcely had I ascertained these two facts, when the lamp flared, +flickered, and went out, leaving me to speculate on these vague but yet +remarkable traits in the couple before me. "What can they be?" "Who +are they?" "Where do they come from?" "Where are they going?" were all +questions which naturally presented themselves to me in turn; yet every +inquiry resolved itself into the one, "Why has she not a cloak, why has +not he got a Petersham?" Long and patiently did I discuss these +points with myself, and framed numerous hypotheses to account for the +circumstances,--but still with comparatively little satisfaction, as +objections presented themselves to each conclusion; and although, in +turn, I had made him a runaway clerk from Coutts's, a Liverpool actor, a +member of the swell-mob, and a bagman, yet I could not, for the life of +me, include _her_ in the category of such an individual's companions. +Neither spoke, so that from their voices, that best of all tests, +nothing could be learned. + +[Illustration: 571] + +Wearied by my doubts, and worried by the interruption to my sleep the +early rising necessitated, I fell soon into a sound doze, lulled by +the soothing "strains" a locomotive so eminently is endowed with. The +tremulous quavering of the carriage, the dull roll of the heavy wheels, +the convulsive beating and heaving of the black monster itself, gave +the tone to my sleeping thoughts, and my dreams were of the darkest. I +thought that, in a gloomy silence, we were journeying over a wild +and trackless plain, with no sight nor sound of man, save such as +accompanied our sad procession; that dead and leafless trees were +grouped about, and roofless dwellings and blackened walls marked the +dreary earth; dark sluggish streams stole heavily past, with noisome +weeds upon their surface; while along the sedgy banks sat leprous and +glossy reptiles, glaring with round eyes upon us. Suddenly it seemed as +if our speed increased; the earth and sky flew faster past, and objects +became dim and indistinct; a misty maze of dark plain and clouded heaven +were all I could discern; while straight in front, by the lurid glare +of a fire fitted round and about two dark shapes danced a wild goblin +measure, tossing their black limbs with frantic gesture, while they +brandished in their hands bars of seething iron; one, larger and more +dreadful than the other, sung in a "rauque" voice, that sounded like the +clank of machinery, a rude song, beating time to the tune with his iron +bar. The monotonous measure of the chant, which seldom varied in its +note, sank deep into my chilled heart; and I think I hear still + + +THE SONG OF THE STOKER. + + Rake, rake, rake, + Ashes, cinders, and coal; + The fire we make, + Must never slake, + Like the fire that roasts a soul. + Hurrah! my boys, 't is a glorious noise, + To list to the stormy main; + But nor wave-lash'd shore + Nor lion's roar + E'er equall'd a luggage train. + 'Neath the panting sun our course we run, + No water to slake our thirst; + Nor ever a pool + Our tongue to cool, + Except the boiler burst. + + The courser fast, the trumpet's blast, + Sigh after us in vain; + And even the wind + We leave behind + With the speed of a special train. + + Swift we pass o'er the wild morass, + Tho' the night be starless and black; + Onward we go, + Where the snipe flies low, + Nor man dares follow our track. + + A mile a minute, on we go, + Hurrah for my courser fast; + His coal-black mane, + And his fiery train, + And his breath--a furnace blast + On and on, till the day is gone, + We rush with a goblin scream; + And the cities, at night, + They start with affright, + At the cry of escaping steam. + + Bang, bang, bang! + Shake, shiver, and throb; + The sound of our feet + Is the piston's beat, + And the opening valve our sob! + Our union-jack is the smoke-train black, + That thick from the funnel rolls; + And our bounding bark + Is a gloomy ark, + And our cargo--human souls. + + Rake, rake, rake, + Ashes, cinders, and coal; + The fire we make, + Must never slake, + Like the fire that roasts a soul. + +"Bang, bang, bang!" said I, aloud, repeating this infernal "refrain," +and with an energy that made my two fellow-travellers burst out +laughing. This awakened me from my sleep, and enabled me to throw off +the fearful incubus which rested on my bosom; so strongly, however, was +the image of my dream, so vivid the picture my mind had conjured up, +and, stranger than all, so perfect was the memory of the demoniac song, +that I could not help relating the whole vision, and repeating for my +companions the words, as I have here done for the reader. As I proceeded +in my narrative, I had ample time to observe the couple before me. The +lady--for it is but suitable to begin with her--was young, she could +scarcely have been more than twenty, and looked by the broad daylight +even handsomer than by the glare of the guard's lantern; she was slight, +but, as well as I could observe, her figure was very gracefully formed, +and with a decided air of elegance detectable even in the ease and +repose of her attitude. Her dress was of pale blue silk, around the +collar of which she wore a profusion of rich lace, of what peculiar loom +I am, unhappily, unable to say; nor would I allude to the circumstance, +save that it formed one of the most embarrassing problems in my +efforts at divining her rank and condition. Never was there such a +travelling-costume; and although it suited perfectly the frail +and delicate beauty of the wearer, it ill accorded with the dingy +"conveniency" in which we journeyed. Even to her shoes and stockings +(for I noticed these,--the feet were perfect) and gloves,--all the +details of her dress had a freshness and propriety one rarely or ever +sees encountering the wear and tear of the road. The young gentleman +at her side--for he, too, was scarcely more than five-and-twenty, at +most--was also attired in a costume as little like that of a traveller; +a dress-coat and evening waistcoat, over which a profusion of chains +were festooned in that mode so popular in our day, showed that he +certainly, in arranging his costume, had other thoughts than of wasting +such attractions on the desert air of a railroad journey. He was a +good-looking young fellow, with that mixture of frankness and careless +ease the youth of England so eminently possess, in contradistinction +to the young men of other countries; his manner and voice both attested +that he belonged to a good class, and the general courtesy of his +demeanor showed one who had lived in society. While he evinced an +evident desire to enter into conversation and amuse his companion, there +was still an appearance of agitation and incertitude about him which +showed that his mind was wandering very far from the topic before +him. More than once he checked himself, in the course of some casual +merriment, and became suddenly grave,--while from time to time he +whispered to the young lady, with an appearance of anxiety and eagerness +all his endeavors could not effectually conceal. She, too, seemed +agitated,--but, I thought, less so than he; it might be, however, that +from the habitual quietude of her manner, the traits of emotion were +less detectable by a stranger. We had not journeyed far, when several +new travellers entered the carriage, and thus broke up the little +intercourse which had begun to be established between us. The new +arrivals were amusing enough in their way,--there was a hearty old +Quaker from Leeds, who was full of a dinner-party he had been at with +Feargus O'Connor, the day before; there was an interesting young fellow +who had obtained a fellowship at Cambridge, and was going down to visit +his family; and lastly, a loud-talking, load-laughing member of the +tail, in the highest possible spirits at the prospect of Irish politics, +and exulting in the festivities he was about to witness at Derrynane +Abbey, whither he was then proceeding with some other Danaides, to visit +what Tom Steele calls "his august leader." My young friends, however, +partook little in the amusement the newly arrived travellers afforded; +they neither relished the broad, quaint common-sense of the Quaker, the +conversational cleverness of the Cambridge man, or the pungent though +somewhat coarse drollery of the "Emeralder." They sat either totally +silent or conversing in a low, indistinct murmur, with their heads +turned towards each other. The Quaker left us at Warwick, the "Fellow" +took his leave soon after, and the O'Somebody was left behind at a +station; the last thing I heard of him, being his frantic shouting as +the train moved off, while he was endeavoring to swallow a glass of hot +brandy and water. We were alone then once more; but somehow the interval +which had occurred had chilled the warm current of our intercourse; +perhaps, too, the effects of a long day's journey were telling on us +all, and we felt that indisposition to converse which steals over even +the most habitual traveller towards the close of a day on the road. +Partly from these causes, and more strongly still from my dislike to +obtrude conversation upon those whose minds were evidently preoccupied, +I too lay back in my seat and indulged my own reflections in silence. I +had sat for some time thus, I know not exactly how long, when the voice +of the young lady struck on my ear; it was one of those sweet, tinkling +silver sounds which somehow when heard, however slightly, have the +effect at once to dissipate the dull routine of one's own thoughts, and +suggest others more relative to the speaker. + +"Had you not better ask him?" said she; "I am sure he can tell you." +The youth apparently demurred, while she insisted the more, and at +length, as if yielding to her entreaty, he suddenly turned towards me +and said, "I am a perfect stranger here, and would feel obliged if you +could inform me which is the best hotel in Liverpool." He made a slight +pause and added, "I mean a quiet family hotel." + +"I rarely stop in the town myself," replied I; "but when I do, to +breakfast or dine, I take the Adelphi. I 'm sure you will find it very +comfortable." + +They again conversed for a few moments together; and the young man, with +an appearance of some hesitation, said, "Do you mean to go there now, +sir?" + +"Yes," said I, "my intention is to take a hasty dinner before I start in +the steamer for Ireland; I see by my watch I shall have ample time to do +so, as we shall arrive full half an hour before our time." + +Another pause, and another little discussion ensued, the only words of +which I could catch from the young lady being, "I'm certain he will have +no objection." Conceiving that these referred to myself, and guessing at +their probable import, I immediately said, "If you will allow me to be +your guide, I shall feel most happy to show you the way; we can obtain a +carriage at the station, and proceed thither at once." + +I was right in my surmise--both parties were profuse in their +acknowledgments--the young man avowing that it was the very request he +was about to make when I anticipated him. We arrived in due time at the +station, and, having assisted my new acquaintances to alight, I found +little difficulty in placing them in a carriage, for luggage they had +none, neither portmanteau nor carpet-bag--not even a dressing-case--a +circumstance at which, however, I might have endeavored to avoid +expressing my wonder, they seemed to feel required an explanation at +their hands; both looked confused and abashed, nor was it until by +busying myself in the details of my own baggage, that I was enabled to +relieve them from the embarrassment the circumstance occasioned. + +"Here we are," said I: "this is the Adelphi," as we stopped at that +comfortable and hospitable portal, through which the fumes of brown +gravy and ox-tail float with a savory odor as pleasant to him who enters +with dinner intentions as it is tantalizing to the listless wanderer +without. + +The lady thanked me with a smile, as I handed her into the house, and a +very sweet smile too, and one I could have fancied the young man would +have felt a little jealous of, if I had not seen the ten times more +fascinating one she bestowed on him. + +[Illustration: 577] + +The young man acknowledged my slight service with thanks, and made +a half gesture to shake hands at parting, which, though a failure, I +rather liked, as evidencing, even in its awkwardness, a kindness of +disposition--for so it is. Gratitude smacks poorly when expressed in +trim and measured phrase; it seems not the natural coinage of the heart +when the impression betrays too clearly the mint of the mind. + +"Good-bye," said I, as I watched their retiring figures up the wide +staircase. "She is devilish pretty; and what a good figure! I did not +think any other than a French woman could adjust her shawl in that +fashion." And with these very soothing reflections I betook myself to +the coffee-room, and soon was deep in discussing the distinctive merits +of mulligatawny, mock-turtle, or mutton chops, or listening to that +everlasting paean every waiter in England sings in praise of the +"joint." + +In all the luxury of my own little table, with my own little +salt-cellar, my own cruet-stand, my beer-glass, and its younger brother +for wine, I sat awaiting the arrival of my fare, and puzzling my brain +as to the unknown travellers. Now, had they been but clothed in the +ordinary fashion of the road,--if the lady had worn a plaid cloak and a +beaver bonnet,--if the gentleman had a brown Taglioui and a cloth cap, +with a cigar-case peeping out of his breast-pocket, like everybody else +in this smoky world,--had they but the ordinary allowance of trunks and +boxes,--I should have been coolly conning over the leading article of +the "Times," or enjoying the spicy leader in the last "Examiner;" but, +no,--they had shrouded themselves in a mystery, though not in garments; +and the result was that I, gifted with that inquiring spirit which +Paul Pry informs us is the characteristic of the age, actually tortured +myself into a fever as to who and what they might be,--the origin, the +course, and the probable termination of their present adventure,--for an +adventure I determined it must be. "People do such odd things nowadays," +said I, "there's no knowing what the deuce they may be at. I wish I even +knew their names, for I am certain I shall read to-morrow or the next +day in the second column of the 'Times,' 'Why will not W. P. and C. +P. return to their afflicted friends? Write at least,--write to your +bereaved parents, No. 12 Russell Square;' or, 'If F. M. S. will not +inform her mother whither she has gone, the deaths of more than two of +the family will be the consequence.'" Now, could I only find out their +names, I could relieve so much family apprehension--Here comes the soup, +however,--admirable relief to a worried brain! how every mouthful +swamps reflection!--even the platitude of the waiter's face is, as the +Methodists say, "a blessed privilege," so agreeably does it divest +the mind of a thought the more, and suggest that pleasant vacuity so +essential to the hour of dinner. The tureen was gone, and then came one +of those strange intervals which all taverns bestow, as if to test the +extent of endurance and patience of their guests. + +My thoughts turned at once to their old track. "I have it," said I, as +a bloody-minded suggestion shot through my brain. "This is an affair +of charcoal and oxalic acid, this is some damnable device of arsenic +or sugar-of-lead,--these young wretches have come down here to poison +themselves, and be smothered in that mode latterly introduced among us. +There will be a double-locked door and smell of carbonic gas through the +key-hole in the morning. I have it all before me, even to the maudlin +letter, with its twenty-one verses of maudlin poetry at the foot of it. +I think I hear the coroner's charge, and see the three shillings and +eightpence halfpenny produced before the jury, that were found in the +youth's possession, together with a small key and a bill for a luncheon +at Birmingham. By Jove, I will prevent it, though; I will spoil their +fun this time; if they will have physic, let them have something just +as nauseous, but not so injurious. My own notion is a basin of this soup +and a slice of the 'joint,' and here it comes;" and thus my meditations +were again destined to be cut short, and revery give way to reality. + +I was just helping myself to my second slice of mutton, when the young +man entered the coffee-room, and walked towards me. At first his manner +evinced hesitation and indecision, and he turned to the fireplace, as +if with some change of purpose; then, as if suddenly summoning his +resolution, he came up to the table at which I sat, and said,-- + +"Will you favor me with five minutes of your time?" + +"By all means," said I; "sit down here, and I'm your man; you must +excuse me, though, if I proceed with my dinner, as I see it is past six +o'clock, and the packet sails at seven." + +"Pray, proceed," replied he; "your doing so will in part excuse the +liberty I take in obtruding myself upon you." + +He paused, and although I waited for him to resume, he appeared in no +humor to do so, but seemed more confused than before. + +"Hang it," said he at length, "I am a very bungling negotiator, and +never in my life could manage a matter of any difficulty." + +"Take a glass of sherry," said I; "try if that may not assist to recall +your faculties." + +"No, no," cried he; "I have taken a bottle of it already, and, by Jove, +I rather think my head is only the more addled. Do you know that I am in +a most confounded scrape. I have run away with that young lady; we were +at an evening-party last night together, and came straight away from the +supper-table to the train." + +"Indeed!" said I, laying down my knife and fork, not a little gratified +that I was at length to learn the secret that had so long teased me. +"And so you have run away with her!" + +"Yes; it was no sudden thought, however,--at least, it was an old +attachment; I have known her these two months." + +"Oh! oh!" said I; "then there was prudence in the affair." + +"Perhaps you will say so," said he, quickly, "when I tell you she has +L30,000 in the Funds, and something like L1700 a year besides,--not that +I care a straw for the money, but, in the eye of the world, that kind of +thing has its _eclat_." + +"So it has," said I, "and a very pretty _eclat_ it is, and one that, +somehow or another, preserves its attractions much longer than most +surprises; but I do not see the scrape, after all." + +"I am coming to that," said he, glancing timidly around the room. "The +affair occurred this wise: we were at an evening-party,--a kind of +_dejeune_, it was, on the Thames,--Charlotte came with her aunt,--a +shrewish old damsel, that has no love for me; in fact, she very soon saw +my game, and resolved to thwart it. Well, of course I was obliged to be +most circumspect, and did not venture to approach her, not even to ask +her to dance, the whole evening. As it grew late, however, I either +became more courageous or less cautious, and I did ask her for a waltz. +The old lady bristled up at once, and asked for her shawl. Charlotte +accepted my invitation, and said she would certainly not retire so +early; and I, to cut the matter short, led her to the top of the room. +We waltzed together, and then had a 'gallop,' and after that some +champagne, and then another waltz; for Charlotte was resolved to give +the old lady a lesson,--she has spirit for anything! Well, it was +growing late by this time, and we went in search of the aunt at last; +but, by Jove! she was not to be found. We hunted everywhere for her, +looked well in every corner of the supper-room, where it was most likely +we should discover her; and at length, to our mutual horror and dismay, +we learned that she had ordered the carriage up a full hour before, and +gone off, declaring that she would send Charlotte's father to fetch her +home, as she herself possessed no influence over her. Here was a pretty +business,--the old gentleman being, as Charlotte often told me, the most +choleric man in England. He had killed two brother officers in duels, +and narrowly escaped being hanged at Maidstone for shooting a waiter +who delayed bringing him the water to shave,--a pleasant old boy to +encounter on such an occasion at this! + +"'He will certainly shoot me,--he will shoot you,--he will kill us +both!' were the only words she could utter; and my blood actually froze +at the prospect before us. You may smile if you like; but let me tell +you that an outraged father, with a pair of patent revolving pistols, is +no laughing matter. There was nothing for it, then, but to 'bolt.' _She_ +saw that as soon as I did; and although she endeavored to persuade me to +suffer her to return home alone, that, you know, I never could think of; +and so, after some little demurrings, some tears, and some resistance, +we got to the Euston-Square station, just as the train was going. You +may easily think that neither of us had much time for preparation. As +for myself, I have come away with a ten-pound note in my purse,--not a +shilling more have I in my possession; and here we are now, half of that +sum spent already, and how we are to get on to the North, I cannot for +the life of me conceive." + +"Oh! that's it," said I, peering at him shrewdly from under my eyelids. + +"Yes, that 's it; don't you think it is bad enough?" and he spoke the +words with a reckless frankness that satisfied all my scruples. "I ought +to tell you," said he, "that my name is Blunden; I am lieutenant in +the Buffs, on leave; and now that you know my secret, will you lend me +twenty pounds? which perhaps, may be enough to carry us forward,--at +least, it will do, until it will be safe for me to write for money." + +"But what would bring you to the North?" said I; "why not put yourselves +on board the mail-packet this evening, and come to Dublin? We will marry +you there just as cheaply; pursuit of you will be just as difficult; and +I 'd venture to say, you might choose a worse land for the honeymoon." + +"But I have no money," said he; "you forgot that." + +"For the matter of money," said I, "make your mind easy. If the young +lady is going away with her own consent,--if, indeed, she is as anxious +to get married as you are,--make me the banker, and I 'll give her away, +be the bridesmaid, or anything else you please." + +"You are a trump," said he, helping himself to another glass of my +sherry; and then filling out a third, which emptied the bottle, he +slapped me on the shoulder, and said, "Here 's your health; now come +upstairs." + +"Stop a moment," said I, "I must see her alone,--there must be no +tampering with the evidence." + +He hesitated for a second, and surveyed me from head to foot; and +whether it was the number of my double chins or the rotundity of my +waistcoat divested his mind of any jealous scruples, but he smiled +coolly, and said, "So you shall, old buck,--we will never quarrel about +that." + +Upstairs we went accordingly, and into a handsome drawing-room on the +first floor, at one end of which, with her head buried in her hands, the +young lady was sitting. + +"Charlotte," said he, "this gentleman is kind enough to take an interest +in our fortunes, but he desires a few words with you alone." + +I waved my hand to him to prevent his making any further explanation, +and as a signal to withdraw; he took the hint and left the room. + +Now, thought I, this is the second act of the drama; what the deuce am +I to do here? In the first place, some might deem it my duty to admonish +the young damsel on the impropriety of the step, to draw an afflicting +picture of her family, to make her weep bitter tears, and end by +persuading her to take a first-class ticket in the up-train. This would +be the grand parento-moral line; and I shame to confess it, it was never +my forte. Secondly, I might pursue the inquiry suggested by myself, and +ascertain her real sentiments. This might be called the amico-auxiliary +line. Or, lastly, I might try a little, what might be done on my +own score, and not see L30,000 and L1700 a year squandered by a +cigar-smoking lieutenant in the Buffs. As there may be different +opinions about this line, I shall not give it a name. Suffice it to +say, that, notwithstanding a sly peep at as pretty a throat and as well +rounded an instep as ever tempted a "government Mercury," I was true to +my trust, and opened the negotiation on the honest footing. + +"Do you love him, my little darling?" said I; for somehow consolation +always struck me as own-brother to love-making. It is like indorsing a +bill for a friend, which, though he tells you he 'll meet, you always +feel responsible for the money. + +She turned upon me an arch look. By St. Patrick, I half regretted I had +not tried number three, as in the sweetest imaginable voice she said,-- + +"Do you doubt it?" + +"I wish I could," thought I to myself. No matter, it was too late +for regrets; and so I ascertained, in a very few minutes, that +she corroborated every portion of the statement, and was as deeply +interested in the success of the adventure as himself. + +"That will do," said I. "He is a lucky fellow,--I always heard the Buffs +were;" and with that I descended to the coffee-room, where the young man +awaited me with the greatest anxiety. + +"Are you satisfied?" cried he, as I entered the room. + +"Perfectly," was my answer. "And now let us lose no more time; it wants +but a quarter to seven, and we must be on board in ten minutes." + +As I have already remarked, my fellow-travellers were not burdened with +luggage, so there was little difficulty in expediting their departure; +and in half an hour from that time we were gliding down the Mersey, and +gazing on the spangled lamps which glittered over that great city of +soap, sugar, and sassafras, train-oil, timber, and tallow. The young +lady soon went below, as the night was chilly; but Blunden and myself +walked the deck until near twelve o'clock, chatting over whatever +came uppermost, and giving me an opportunity to perceive that, without +possessing any remarkable ability or cleverness, he was one of those +offhand, candid, clear-headed young fellows, who, when trained in the +admirable discipline of the mess, become the excellent specimens of +well-conducted, well-mannered gentlemen our army abounds with. + +We arrived in due course in Dublin. I took my friends up to Morrison's, +drove with them after breakfast to a fashionable milliner's, where the +young lady, with an admirable taste, selected such articles of dress as +she cared for, and I then saw them duly married. I do not mean to say +that the ceremony was performed by a bishop, or that a royal duke gave +her away; neither can I state that the train of carriages comprised +the equipages of the leading nobility. I only vouch for the fact that a +little man, with a black eye and a sinister countenance, read a ceremony +of his own composing, and made them write their names in a great +book, and pay thirty shillings for his services; after which I put a +fifty-pound note into Blunden's hand, saluted the bride, and, wishing +them every health and happiness, took my leave. + +They started at once with four posters for the North, intending to cross +over to Scotland. My engagements induced me to leave town for Cork, +and in less than a fortnight I found at my club a letter from Blunden, +enclosing the fifty pounds, with a thousand thanks for my prompt +kindness, and innumerable affectionate reminiscences from Madame. +They were as happy as--confound it, every one is happy for a week or a +fortnight; so I crushed the letter, pitched it into the fire, was rather +pleased with myself for what I had done, and thought no more of the +whole transaction. + +Here then my tale should have an end, and the moral is obvious. Indeed, +I am not certain but some may prefer it to that which the succeeding +portion conveys, thinking that the codicil revokes the body of the +testament. However that may be, here goes for it. + +It was about a year after this adventure that I made one of a party of +six travelling up to London by the "Grand Junction." The company were +chatty, pleasant folk, and the conversation, as often happens among +utter strangers, became anecdotic; many good stories were told in turn, +and many pleasant comments made on them, when at length it occurred to +me to mention the somewhat singular rencontre I have already narrated as +having happened to myself. + +"Strange enough," said I, "the last time I journeyed along this line, +nearly this time last year, a very remarkable occurrence took place. I +happened to fall in with a young officer of the Buffs, eloping with +an exceedingly pretty girl; she had a large fortune, and was in every +respect a great 'catch;' he ran away with her from an evening party, and +never remembered, until he arrived at Liverpool, that he had no money +for the journey. In this dilemma, the young fellow, rather spooney about +the whole thing, I think would have gone quietly back by the next train, +but, by Jove, I could n't satisfy my conscience that so lovely a girl +should be treated in such a manner. I rallied his courage; took him over +to Ireland in the packet, and got them married the next morning." + +"Have I caught you at last, you old, meddling scoundrel!" cried a voice, +hoarse and discordant with passion, from the opposite side; and at the +same instant a short, thickset old man, with shoulders like a Hercules, +sprung at me. With one hand he clutched me by the throat, and with the +other he pummelled my head against the panel of the conveyance, and with +such violence that many people in the next carriage averred that they +thought we had run into the down train. So sudden was the old wretch's +attack, and so infuriate withal, it took the united force of the other +passengers to detach him from my neck; and even then, as they drew him +off, he kicked at me like a demon. Never has it been my lot to witness +such an outbreak of wrath; and, indeed, were I to judge from the +symptoms it occasioned, the old fellow had better not repeat it, or +assuredly apoplexy would follow. + +"That villain,--that old ruffian," said he, glaring at me with flashing +eyeballs, while he menaced me with his closed fist,--"that cursed, +meddling scoundrel is the cause of the greatest calamity of my life." + +"Are you her father, then?" articulated I, faintly, for a misgiving came +over me that my boasted benevolence might prove a mistake. "Are you her +father?" The words were not out, when he dashed at me once more, and +were it not for the watchfulness of the others, inevitably had finished +me. + +"I've heard of you, my old buck," said I, affecting a degree of ease +and security my heart sadly belied. "I 've heard of your dreadful temper +already,--I know you can't control yourself. I know all about the waiter +at Maidstone. By Jove, they did not wrong you; and I am not surprised +at your poor daughter leaving you--" But he would not suffer me to +conclude; and once more his wrath boiled over, and all the efforts +of the others were barely sufficient to calm him into a semblance of +reason. + +There would be an end to my narrative if I endeavored to convey to my +reader the scene which followed, or recount the various outbreaks of +passion which ever and anon interrupted the old man, and induced him to +diverge into sundry little by-ways of lamentation over his misfortune, +and curses upon my meddling interference. Indeed his whole narrative was +conducted more in the staccato style of an Italian opera father than +in the homely wrath of an English parent; the wind-up of these +dissertations being always to the one purpose, as with a look of +scowling passion directed towards me, he said, "Only wait till we reach +the station, and see if I won't do for you." + +His tale, in few words, amounted to this. He was the Squire +Blunden,--the father of the lieutenant in the "Buffs." The youth had +formed an attachment to a lady whom he had accidentally met in a Margate +steamer. The circumstances of her family and fortune were communicated +to him in confidence by herself; and although she expressed her +conviction of the utter impossibility of obtaining her father's consent +to an untitled match, she as resolutely refused to elope with him. The +result, however, was as we have seen; she did elope,--was married,--they +made a wedding tour in the Highlands, and returned to Blunden Hall two +months after, where the old gentleman welcomed them with affection +and forgiveness. About a fortnight after their return, it was deemed +necessary to make inquiry as to the circumstances of her estate and +funded property, when the young lady fell upon her knees, wept bitterly, +said she had not a sixpence,--that the whole thing was a "ruse;" that +she had paid five pounds for a choleric father, three ten for an aunt +warranted to wear "satin;" in fact, that she had been twice married +before, and had heavy misgivings that the husbands were still living. + +There was nothing left for it but compromise. "I gave her," said he, +"five hundred pounds to go to the devil, and I registered, the same day, +a solemn oath that if ever I met this same Tramp, he should carry the +impress of my knuckles on his face to the day of his death." + +The train reached Harrow as the old gentleman spoke. I waited until it +was again in motion, and, flinging wide the door, I sprang out, and from +that day to this have strictly avoided forming acquaintance with a white +lace bonnet, even at a distance, or ever befriending a lieutenant in the +Buffs. + + + + +FAST ASLEEP AND WIDE AWAKE + +[Illustration: 588] + +I got into the Dover "down train" at the station, and after seeking for +a place in two or three of the leading carriages, at last succeeded in +obtaining one where there were only two other passengers. These were +a lady and a gentleman,--the former, a young, pleasing-looking girl, +dressed in quiet mourning; the latter was a tall, gaunt, bilious-looking +man, with grisly gray hair, and an extravagantly aquiline nose. I +guessed, from the positions they occupied in the carriage, that they +were not acquaintances, and my conjecture proved subsequently true. The +young lady was pale, like one in delicate health, and seemed very weary +and tired, for she was fast asleep as I entered the carriage, and did +not awake, notwithstanding all the riot and disturbance incident to the +station. I took my place directly in front of my fellow-travellers; and +whether from mere accident, or from the passing interest a pretty face +inspires, cast my eyes towards the lady; the gaunt man opposite fixed on +me a look of inexpressible shrewdness, and with a very solemn shake of +his head, whispered in a low undertone,-- + +"No! no! not a bit of it; she ain't asleep,--they never do +sleep,--never!" + +"Oh!" thought I to myself, "there's another class of people not +remarkable for over-drowsiness; "for, to say truth, the expression of +the speaker's face and the oddity of his words made me suspect that he +was not a miracle of sanity. The reflection had scarcely passed through +my mind, when he arose softly from his seat, and assumed a place beside +me. + +"You thought she was fast," said he, as he laid his hand familiarly +on my arm; "I know you did,--I saw it the moment you came into the +carriage." + +"Why, I did think--" + +"Ah! that's deceived many a one. Lord bless you, sir, they are not +understood, no one knows them; "and at these words he heaved a profound +sigh, and dropped his head upon his bosom, as though the sentiment had +overwhelmed him with affliction. + +"Riddles, sir," said he to me, with a glare of his eyes that really +looked formidable,--"sphinxes; that's what they are. Are you married?" +whispered he. + +"No, sir," said I, politely; for as I began to entertain more serious +doubts of my companion's intellect, I resolved to treat him with every +civility. + +"I don't believe it matters a fig," said he; "the Pope of Rome knows as +much about them as Bluebeard." + +"Indeed," said I, "are these your sentiments?" + +"They are," replied he, in a still lower whisper; "and if we were to +talk modern Greek this moment, I would not say but _she_"--and here he +made a gesture towards the young lady opposite--"but _she_ would know +every word of it. It is not supernatural, sir, because the law +is universal; but it is a most--what shall I say, sir?--a most +extraordinary provision of nature,--wonderful! most wonderful!" + +"In Heaven's name, why did they let him out?" exclaimed I to myself. + +"Now she is pretending to awake," said he, as he nudged me with his +elbow; "watch her, see how well she will do it." Then turning to the +lady, he added in a louder voice,-- + +"You have had a refreshing sleep, I trust, ma'am?" + +"A very heavy one," answered she, "for I was greatly fatigued." + +"Did not I tell you so?" whispered he again in my ear. "Oh!" and here +he gave a deep groan, "when they 're in delicate health, and they 're +greatly fatigued, there's no being up to them!" + +The remainder of our journey was not long in getting over; but brief as +it was, I could not help feeling annoyed at the pertinacity with which +the bilious gentleman purposely misunderstood every word the young +lady spoke. The most plain, matter-of-fact observations from her were +received by him as though she was a monster of duplicity; and a casual +mistake as to the name of a station he pounced upon, as though it were +a wilful and intentional untruth. This conduct, on his part, was made +ten times worse to me by his continued nudgings of the elbow, sly winks, +and muttered sentences of "You hear that"--"There's more of it"--"You +would not credit it now," etc.; until at length he succeeded in +silencing the poor girl, who, in all likelihood, set us both down for +the two greatest savages in England. + +On arriving at Dover, although I was the bearer of despatches requiring +the utmost haste, a dreadful hurricane from the eastward, accompanied +by a tremendous swell, prevented any packet venturing out to sea. The +commander of "The Hornet," however, told me, should the weather, as was +not improbable, moderate towards daybreak, he would do his best to run +me over to Calais; "only be ready," said he, "at a moment's notice, for +I will get the steam up, and be off in a jiffy, whenever the tide begins +to ebb." In compliance with this injunction, I determined not to go to +bed, and, ordering my supper in a private room, I prepared myself to +pass the intervening time as well as might be. + +"Mr. Yellowley's compliments," said the waiter, as I broke the crust of +a veal-pie, and obtained a bird's-eye view of that delicious interior, +where hard eggs and jelly, mushrooms, and kidney, were blended together +in a delicious harmony of coloring. "Mr. Yellowley's compliments, sir, +and will take it as a great favor if he might join you at supper." + +"Have not the pleasure of knowing him," said I, shortly,--"bring me a +pint of sherry,--don't know Mr. Yellowley." + +"Yes, but you do, though," said the gaunt man of the railroad, as he +entered the room, with four cloaks on one arm, and two umbrellas under +the other. + +"Oh! it's you," said I, half rising from my chair; for in spite of my +annoyance at the intrusion, a certain degree of fear of my companion +overpowered me. + +"Yes," said he, solemnly. "Can you untie this cap? The string has got +into a black-knot, I fear; "and so he bent down his huge face while I +endeavored to relieve him of his head-piece, wondering within myself +whether they had shaved him at the asylum. + +"Ah, that's comfortable!" said he at last; and he drew his chair to the +table, and helped himself to a considerable portion of the pie, which he +covered profusely with red pepper. + +Little conversation passed during the meal. My companion ate +voraciously, filling up every little pause that occurred by a groan or +a sigh, whose vehemence and depth were strangely in contrast with his +enjoyment of the good cheer. When the supper was over, and the waiter +had placed fresh glasses, and with that gentle significance of his craft +had deposited the decanter, in which a spoonful of sherry remained, +directly in front of me, Mr. Yellowley looked at me for a moment, threw +up his eyebrows, and with an air of more _bonhomie_ than I thought he +could muster, said,-- + +"You will have no objection, I hope, to a little warm brandy and water." + +"None whatever; and the less, if I may add a cigar." + +"Agreed," said he. + +These ingredients of our comfort being produced, and the waiter having +left the room, Mr. Yellowley stirred the fire into a cheerful blaze, +and, nodding amicably towards me, said,-- + +"Your health, sir; I should like to have added your name." + +"Tramp,--Tilbury Tramp," said I, "at your service." I would have added +Q. C, as the couriers took that lately; but it leads to mistakes, so I +said nothing about it. + +"Mr. Tramp," said my companion, while he placed one hand in his +waistcoat, in that attitude so favored by John Kemble and Napoleon. "You +are a young man?" + +"Forty-two," said I, "if I live till June." + +"You might be a hundred and forty-two, sir." + +"Lord bless you!" said I, "I don't look so old." + +"I repeat it," said he, "you might be a hundred and forty-two, and not +know a whit more about them." + +"Here we are," thought I, "back on the monomania." + +"You may smile," said he, "it was an ungenerous insinuation. Nothing was +farther from my thoughts; but it's true,--they require the study of a +lifetime. Talk of Law or Physic or Divinity; it's child's play, sir. +Now, you thought that young girl was asleep." + +"Why, she certainly looked so." + +"Looked so," said he, with a sneer; "what do I look like? Do I look like +a man of sense or intelligence?" + +"I protest," said I, cautiously, "I won't suffer myself to be led away +by appearances; I would not wish to be unjust to you." + +"Well, sir, that artful young woman's deception of you has preyed upon +me ever since; I was going on to Walmer to-night, but I could n't leave +this without seeing you once more, and giving you a caution." + +"Dear me. I thought nothing about it. You took the matter too much to +heart." + +"Too much to heart," said he, with a bitter sneer; "that's the cant +that deceives half the world. If men, sir, instead of undervaluing +these small and apparently trivial circumstances, would but recall their +experiences, chronicle their facts, as Bacon recommended so wisely, +we should possess some safe data to go upon, in our estimate of that +deceitful sex." + +"I fear," said I, half timidly, "you have been ill-treated by the +ladies?" + +A deep groan was the only response. + +"Come, come, bear up," said I; "you are young, and a fine-looking +man still" (he was sixty, if he was an hour, and had a face like the +figure-head of a war-steamer). + +"I will tell you a story, Mr. Tramp," said he, solemnly,--"a story +to which, probably, no historian, from Polybius to Hoffman, has ever +recorded a parallel. I am not aware, sir, that any man has sounded the +oceanic depths of that perfidious gulf,--a woman's heart; but I, sir, +I have at least added some facts to the narrow stock of our knowledge +regarding it. Listen to this:"-- + +I replenished my tumbler of brandy and water, looked at my watch, and, +finding I still had two hours to spare, lent a not unwilling ear to my +companion's story. + +"For the purpose of my tale," said Mr. Yellowley, "it is unnecessary +that I should mention any incident of my life more remote than a couple +of years back. About that time it was, that, using all the influence of +very powerful friends, I succeeded in obtaining the consul-generalship +at Stralsund. My arrangements for departure were made with considerable +despatch; but on the very week of my leaving England, an old friend of +mine was appointed to a situation of considerable trust in the East, +whither he was ordered to repair, I may say, at a moment's notice. Never +was there such a _contretemps_. He longed for the North of Europe,--I, +with equal ardor, wished for a tropical climate; and here were we +both going in the very direction antagonist to our wishes! My friend's +appointment was a much more lucrative one than mine; but so anxious +was he for a residence more congenial to his taste, that he would have +exchanged without a moment's hesitation. + +"By a mere accident, I mentioned this circumstance to the friend who had +procured my promotion. Well, with the greatest alacrity, he volunteered +his services to effect the exchange; and with such energy did he +fulfil his pledge, that on the following evening I received an express, +informing me of my altered destination, but directing me to proceed to +Southampton on the next day, and sail by the Oriental steamer. This was +speedy work, sir; but as my preparations for a journey had long been +made, I had very little to do, but exchange some bear-skins with my +friend for cotton shirts and jackets, and we both were accommodated. +Never were two men in higher spirits,--he, with his young wife, +delighted at escaping what he called banishment; I equally happy in my +anticipation of the glorious East. + +"Among the many papers forwarded to me from the Foreign Office was a +special order for free transit the whole way to Calcutta. This document +set forth the urgent necessity there existed to pay me every possible +attention _en route_; in fact, it was a sort of Downing-Street firman, +ordering all whom it might concern to take care of Simon Yellowley, nor +permit him to suffer any let, impediment, or inconvenience on the road. +But a strange thing, Mr. Tramp,--a very strange thing,--was in this +paper. In the exchange of my friend's appointment for my own, the clerk +had merely inserted _my_ name in lieu of his in all the papers; and +then, sir, what should I discover but that this free transit extended to +'Mr. Yellowley and lady,' while, doubtless, my poor friend was obliged +to travel _en garcon?_ This extraordinary blunder I only discovered when +leaving London in the train. + +"We were a party of three, sir." Here he groaned deeply. "Three,--just +as it might be this very day. I occupied the place that you did this +morning, while opposite to me were a lady and a gentleman. The gentleman +was an old round-faced little man, chatty and merry after his fashion. +The lady--the lady, sir--if I had never seen her but that day, I should +now call her an angel. Yes, Mr. Tramp, I flatter myself that few men +understand female beauty better. I admire the cold regularity +and impassive loveliness of the North, I glory in the voluptuous +magnificence of Italian beauty; I can relish the sparkling coquetry of +France, the plaintive quietness and sleepy tenderness of Germany; nor +do I undervalue the brown pellucid skin and flashing eye of the Malabar; +but she, sir, she was something higher than all these; and it so chanced +that I had ample time to observe her, for when I entered the carriage +she was asleep--asleep," said he, with a bitter mockery Macready might +have envied. "Why do I say asleep? No, sir!--she was in that factitious +trance, that wiliest device of Satan's own creation, a woman's +sleep,--the thing invented, sir, merely to throw the shadow of dark +lashes on a marble cheek, and leave beauty to sink into man's heart +without molestation. Sleep, sir!--the whole mischief the world does in +its waking moments is nothing to the doings of such slumber! If she did +not sleep, how could that braid of dark-brown hair fall loosely down +upon her blue-veined hand; if she did not sleep, how could the color +tinge with such evanescent loveliness the cheek it scarcely colored; if +she did not sleep, how could her lips smile with the sweetness of some +passing thought, thus half recorded? No, sir; she had been obliged to +have sat bolt upright, with her gloves on and her veil down. She +neither could have shown the delicious roundness of her throat nor the +statue-like perfection of her instep. But sleep,--sleep is responsible +for nothing. Oh, why did not Macbeth murder it, as he said he had! + +"If I were a legislator, sir, I'd prohibit any woman under forty-three +from sleeping in a public conveyance. It is downright dangerous,--I +would n't say it ain't immoral. The immovable aspect of placid beauty, +Mr. Tramp, etherealizes a woman. The shrewd housewife becomes a houri; +and a milliner--ay, sir, a milliner--might be a Maid of Judah under such +circumstances!" + +Mr. Yellowley seemed to have run himself out of breath with this burst +of enthusiasm; for he was unable to resume his narrative until several +minutes after, when he proceeded thus: + +"The fat gentleman and myself were soon engaged in conversation. He was +hastening down to bid some friends good-bye, ere they sailed for India. +I was about to leave my native country, too,--perhaps forever. + +"'Yes, sir,' said I, addressing him, 'Heaven knows when I shall behold +these green valleys again, if ever. I have just been appointed Secretary +and Chief Counsellor to the Political Resident at the court of the Rajah +of Sautaucantantarabad!--a most important post--three thousand eight +hundred and forty-seven miles beyond the Himalaya.' + +"And here--with, I trust, a pardonable pride--I showed him the +government order for my free transit, with the various directions and +injunctions concerning my personal comfort and safety. + +"'Ah,' said the old gentleman, putting on his spectacles to read,--'ah, +I never beheld one of these before. Very curious,--very curious, indeed. +I have seen a sheriff's writ, and an execution; but this is far more +remarkable,--"Simon Yellowley, Esq., and lady." Eh?--so your lady +accompanies you, sir?' + +"'Would she did,--would to Heaven she did!' exclaimed I, in a transport. + +"'Oh, then, she's afraid, is she? She dreads the blacks, I suppose.' + +"'No, sir; I am not married. The insertion of these words was a mistake +of the official who made out my papers; for, alas! I am alone in the +world.' + +"'But why don't you marry, sir?' said the little man, briskly, and with +an eye glistening with paternity. 'Young ladies ain't scarce--' + +"'True, most true; but even supposing I were fortunate enough to meet +the object of my wishes, I have no time. I received this appointment +last evening; to-day I am here, to-morrow I shall be on the billows!' + +"'Ah, that's unfortunate, indeed,--very unfortunate.' + +"'Had I but one week,--a day,--ay, an hour, sir,' said I, 'I 'd make an +offer of my brilliant position to some lovely creature who, tired of the +dreary North and its gloomy skies, would prefer the unclouded heaven +of the Himalaya and the perfumed breezes of the valley of +Santancantantarabad!' + +"A lightly breathed sigh fell from the sleeping beauty, and at the same +time a smile of inexpressible sweetness played upon her lips; but, like +the ripple upon a glassy stream, that disappearing left all placid and +motionless again, the fair features were in a moment calm as before. + +"'She looks delicate,' whispered my companion. + +"'Our detestable climate!' said I, bitterly; for she coughed twice at +the instant. 'Oh, why are the loveliest flowers the offspring of the +deadliest soil!' + +"She awoke, not suddenly or abruptly, but as Venus might have risen from +the sparkling sea and thrown the dew-drops from her hair, and then she +opened her eyes. Mr. Tramp, do you understand eyes?" + +"I can't say I have any skill that way, to speak of." + +"I'm sorry for it,--deeply, sincerely sorry; for to the uninitiated +these things seem naught. It would be as unprofitable to put a Rembrandt +before a blind man as discuss the aesthetics of eyelashes with the +unbeliever. But you will understand me when I say that her eyes were +blue,--blue as the Adriatic!--not the glassy doll's-eye blue, that +shines and glistens with a metallic lustre; nor that false depth, more +gray than blue, that resembles a piece of tea-lead; but the color of +the sea, as you behold it five fathoms down, beside the steep rocks of +Genoa! And what an ocean is a woman's eye, with bright thoughts floating +through it, and love lurking at the bottom! Am I tedious, Mr. Tramp?" + +"No; far from it,--only very poetical." + +"Ah, I was once," said Mr. Yellowley, with a deep sigh. "I used to write +sweet things for 'The New Monthly;' but Campbell was very jealous of +me,--couldn't abide me. Poor Campbell! he had his failings, like the +rest of us. + +"Well, sir, to resume. We arrived at Southampton, but only in time to +hasten down to the pier, and take boat for the ship. The blue-peter was +flying at the mast-head, and people hurrying away to say 'good-bye' for +the last time. I, sir, I alone had no farewells to take. Simon Yellowley +was leaving his native soil, unwept and unregretted! Sad thoughts these, +Mr. Tramp,--very sad thoughts. Well, sir, we were aboard at last, +above a hundred of us, standing amid the lumber of our carpet-bags, +dressing-cases, and hat-boxes, half blinded by the heavy spray of the +condensed steam, and all deafened by the din. + +"The world of a great packet-ship, Mr. Tramp, is a very selfish world, +and not a bad epitome of its relative on shore. Human weaknesses are +so hemmed in by circumstances, the frailties that would have been +dissipated in a wider space are so concentrated by compression, that +middling people grow bad, and the bad become regular demons. There is, +therefore, no such miserable den of selfish and egotistical caballing, +slander, gossip, and all malevolence, as one of these. Envy of the +man with a large berth,--sneers for the lady that whispered to the +captain,--guesses as to the rank and station of every passenger, +indulged in with a spirit of impertinence absolutely intolerable,--and +petty exclu-siveness practised by every four or five on board, +against some others who have fewer servants or less luggage than their +neighbors. Into this human bee-hive was I now plunged, to be bored +by the drones, stung by the wasps, and maddened by all. 'No matter,' +thought I, 4 Simon Yellowley has a great mission to fulfil.' Yes, +Mr. Tramp, I remembered the precarious position of our Eastern +possessions,--I bethought me of the incalculable services the ability of +even a Yellow-ley might render his country in the far-off valley of the +Himalaya, and I sat down on my portmanteau, a happier--nay, I will say, +a better man. + +"The accidents--we call them such every day--the accidents which fashion +our lives, are always of our own devising, if we only were to take +trouble enough to trace them. I have a theory on this head, but I 'm +keeping it over for a kind of a Bridgewater Treatise. It is enough now +to remark that though my number at the dinner-table was 84, I exchanged +with another gentleman, who could n't bear a draught, for a place near +the door, No. 122. Ah, me! little knew I then what that simple act +was to bring with it. Bear in mind, Mr. Tramp, 122; for, as you may +remember, Sancho Panza's story of the goatherd stopped short, when his +master forgot the number of the goats; and that great French novelist, +M. de Balzac, always hangs the interest of his tale on some sum in +arithmetic, in which his hero's fortune is concerned: so my story bears +upon this number. Yes, sir, the adjoining seat, No. 123, was vacant. +There was a cover and a napkin, and there was a chair placed leaning +against the table, to mark it out as the property of some one absent; +and day by day was that vacant place the object of my conjectures. It +was natural this should be the case. My left-hand neighbor was the first +mate, one of those sea animals most detestable to a landsman. He had a +sea appetite, a sea voice, sea jokes, and, worst of all, a sea laugh. +I shall never forget that fellow. I never spoke to him that he did +not reply in some slang of his abominable profession; and all the +disagreeables of a floating existence were increased ten-fold by the +everlasting reference to the hated theme,--a ship. What he on the right +hand might prove, was therefore of some moment to me. Another _Coup de +Mer_ like this would be unendurable. The crossest old maid, the testiest +old bachelor, the most peppery nabob, the flattest ensign, the most +boring of tourists, the most careful of mothers, would be a boon from +heaven in comparison with a blue-jacket. Alas! Mr. Tramp, I was left +very long to speculate on this subject. We were buffeted down the +Channel, we were tossed along the coast of France, and blown about +the Bay of Biscay before 123 ever turned up; when one day--it was a +deliciously calm day (I shall not forget it soon)--we even could see the +coast of Portugal, with its great mountains above Cintra. Over a long +reach of sea, glassy as a mirror, the great ship clove her way,--the +long foam-track in her wake, the only stain on that blue surface. Every +one was on deck: the old asthmatic gentleman, whose cough was the +curse of the after-cabin, sat with a boa round his neck, and thought he +enjoyed himself. Ladies in twos and threes walked up and down together, +chatting as pleasantly as though in Kensington Gardens. The tourist sent +out by Mr. Colburn was taking notes of the whole party, and the four +officers in the Bengal Light Horse had adjourned their daily brandy and +water to a little awning beside the wheel. There were sketch-books and +embroidery-frames and journals on all sides; there was even a guitar, +with a blue ribbon round it; and amid all these remindings of shore +life, a fat poodle waddled about, and snarled at every one. The calm, +sir, was a kind of doomsday, which evoked the dead from their tombs; and +up they came from indescribable corners and nooks, opening their eyes +with amazement upon the strange world before them, and some almost +feeling that even the ordeal of sea-sickness was not too heavy a penalty +for an hour so bright, though so fleeting. + +"'Which is 123?' thought I, as I elbowed my way along the crowded +quarter-deck, now asking myself could it be the thin gentleman with +the two capes, or the fat lady with the three chins? But there is a +prescience which never fails in the greater moments of our destiny, and +this told me it was none of these. We went down to dinner, and for the +first time the chair was not placed against the table, but so as to +permit a person to be seated on it. + +"'I beg your pardon, sir,' said the steward to me, 'could you move a +little this way? 123 is coming in to dinner, and she would like to have +the air of the doorway.' + +"'She would,' thought I; 'oh, so this is a she, at all events;' and +scarce was the reflection made, when the rustle of a silk dress +was heard brushing my chair. I turned, and what do you think, Mr. +Tramp?--shall I endeavor to describe my emotions to you?" + +This was said in a tone so completely questioning that I saw Mr. +Yellowley waited for my answer. + +"I am afraid, sir," said I, looking at my watch, "if the emotions you +speak of will occupy much time, we had better skip them, for it only +wants a quarter to twelve." + +"We will omit them, then, Mr. Tramp; for, as you justly observe, they +would require both time and space. Well, sir, to be brief, 123 was the +angel of the railroad." + +"The lady you met at--" + +"Yes, sir, if you prefer to call her the lady; for I shall persist in +my previous designation. Oh, Mr. Tramp, that was the great moment of +my life. You may have remarked that we pass from era to era of our +existence, as though it were from one chamber to another. The gay, the +sparkling, and the brilliant succeed to the dark and gloomy apartment, +scarce illumined by a ray of hope, and we move on in our life's journey, +with new objects suggesting new actions, and the actions engendering new +frames of thought, and we think ourselves wiser as our vicissitudes grow +thicker; but I must not continue this theme. To me, this moment was +the greatest transition of my life. Here was the ideal before me, which +neither art had pictured, nor genius described,--the loveliest creature +I ever beheld. She turned round on taking her place, and with a +slight gesture of surprise recognized me at once as her former +fellow-traveller. I have had proud moments in my life, Mr. Tramp. I +shall never forget how the Commander of the Forces at Boulahcush said to +me in full audience, in the presence of all the officials,-- + +"'Yellowley, this is devilish hot,--hotter than we have it in Europe.' + +"But here was a prouder moment still: that little graceful movement of +recognition, that smile so transient as to be scarce detected, sent a +thrill of happiness all through me. In former days, by doughty deeds and +hazardous exploits men won their way to women's hearts; our services +in the present time have the advantage of being less hazardous; little +attentions of the table, passing the salt, calling for the pepper, +lifting a napkin, and inviting to wine, are the substitutes for +mutilating giants and spitting dragons. I can't say but I think the +exchange is with the difference. + +"The first day passed over with scarce the interchange of a word between +us. She arose almost immediately after dinner, and did not make her +appearance during the remainder of the evening. The following morning +she took her place at the breakfast-table, and to my inexpressible +delight, as the weather still remained calm, ascended to the quarterdeck +when the meal was over. The smile with which she met me now had assumed +the token of acquaintance, and a very little address was necessary, +on my part, to enable me to join her as she walked, and engage her in +conversation. The fact of being so young and so perfectly alone--for +except her French maid, she did not appear to know a single person on +board--perhaps appeared to demand some explanation on her part, even to +a perfect stranger like myself; for, after some passing observations on +the scenery of the coast and the beauty of the weather, she told me that +she looked forward with much hope to the benefit her health might derive +from a warmer air and less trying climate than that of England. + +"'I already feel benefited by the sweet South,' said she; and there was +a smile of gratitude on her lip, as she spoke the words. Some little +farther explanation she may have deemed necessary; for she took the +occasion soon after to remark that her only brother would have been +delighted with the voyage, if he could have obtained leave of absence +from his regiment; but, unfortunately, he was in 'the Blues,' quartered +at Windsor, and could not be spared. + +"'Poor dear creature!' said I; 'and so she has been obliged to travel +thus alone, reared doubtless within the precincts of some happy home, +from which the world, with its petty snares and selfishness, were +excluded, surrounded by all the appliances of luxury, and the elegances +that embellish existence--and now, to venture thus upon a journey +without a friend, or even a companion.' + +"There could scarcely be a more touching incident than to see one like +her, so beautiful and so young, in the midst of that busy little world +of soldiers and sailors and merchants, travellers to the uttermost +bounds of the earth, and wearied spirits seeking for change wherever +it might be found. Had I not myself been alone, a very 'waif' upon the +shores of life, I should have felt attracted by the interest of her +isolation; now there was a sympathy to attach us,--there was that +similarity of position--that _idem nolle, et idem velle_--which, we +are told, constitutes true friendship. She seemed to arrive at +this conclusion exactly as I did myself, and received with the most +captivating frankness all the little attentions it was in my power to +bestow; and in fact to regard me, in some sort, as her companion. Thus, +we walked the deck each morning it was fine, or, if stormy, played at +chess or piquet in the cabin. Sometimes she worked while I read aloud +for her; and such a treat as it was to hear her criticisms on the volume +before us,--how just and true her appreciation of sound and correct +principles,--how skilful the distinctions she would make between the +false glitter of tinsel sentiment and the dull gold of real and sterling +morality! Her mind, naturally a gifted one, had received every aid +education could bestow. French and Italian literature were as familiar +to her as was English, while in mere accomplishments she far excelled +those who habitually make such acquirements the grand business of early +life. + +"You are, I presume, a man of the world, Mr. Tramp. You may, perhaps, +deem it strange that several days rolled over before I ever even thought +of inquiring her name; but such was the case. It no more entered into my +conception to ask after it, than I should have dreamed of what might +be the botanical designation of some lovely flower by whose beauty and +fragrance I was captivated. Enough for me that the bright petals were +tipped with azure and gold, and the fair stem was graceful in its +slender elegance. I cared not where Jussieu might have arranged or +Linnaeus classed it. But a chance revealed the matter even before it had +occurred to me to think of it. A volume of Shelley's poems contained on +the titlepage, written in a hand of singular delicacy, the words, +'Lady Blanche D'Esmonde.' Whether the noble family she belonged to were +English, Irish, or Scotch, I could not even guess. It were as well, +Mr. Tramp, that I could not do so. I should only have felt a more +unwarrantable attachment for that portion of the empire she came from. +Yes, sir, I loved her. I loved her with an ardor that the Yellowleys +have been remarkable for, during three hundred and eighty years. It was +_my_ ancestor, Mr. Tramp,--Paul Yellowley,--who was put in the stocks +at Charing Cross, for persecuting a maid of honor at Elizabeth's court. +That haughty Queen and cold-hearted woman had the base inscription +written above his head, 'The penaltie of a low scullion who lifteth his +eyes too loftilie.' + +"To proceed. When we reached Gibraltar, Lady Blanche and I visited the +rocks, and went over the bomb-proofs and the casemates together,--far +more dangerous places those little cells and dark passages to a man like +me, than ever they could become in the hottest fury of a siege. She took +such an interest in everything. There was not a mortar nor a piece +of ordnance she could afford to miss; and she would peep out from +the embrasures, and look down upon the harbor and the bay, with a +fearlessness that left me puzzled to think whether I were more terrified +by her intrepidity or charmed by the beauty of her instep. Again we went +to sea; but how I trembled at each sight of land, lest she should leave +the ship forever! At last, Malta came in view; and the same evening the +boats were lowered, for all had a desire to go ashore. Of course Lady +Blanche was most anxious; her health had latterly improved greatly, and +she was able to incur considerable fatigue, without feeling the worse +afterwards. + +"It was a calm, mellow evening, with an already risen moon, as we +landed to wander about the narrow streets and bastioned dwellings of old +Valletta. She took my arm, and, followed by Mademoiselle Virginie, we +went on exploring every strange and curious spot before us, and calling +up before our mind's eye the ancient glories of the place. I was rather +strong in all these sort of things, Mr. Tramp; for in expectation of +this little visit, I made myself up about the Knights of St. John and +the Moslems, Fort St Elmo, Civita Vecchia, rocks, catacombs, prickly +pears, and all. In fact, I was primed with the whole catalogue, which, +written down in short memoranda, forms Chap. I. in a modern tour-book +of the Mediterranean. The season was so genial, and the moon so bright, +that we lingered till past midnight, and then returned to the ship the +last of all the visitors. That was indeed a night, as, flickered by +the column of silver light, we swept over the calm sea. Lady Blanche, +wrapped in my large boat-cloak, her pale features statue-like in their +unmoved beauty, sat in the stern; I sat at her side. Neither spoke a +word. What her thoughts might have been I cannot guess; but the little +French maid looked at me from time to time with an expression of +diabolical intelligence I cannot forget; and as I handed her mistress up +the gangway, Virginie said in a whisper,-- + +"'Ah, Monsieur Yellowley, _vous etes un homme dangereux!_' + +"Would you believe it, Mr. Tramp, that little phrase filled every +chamber of my heart with hope; there could be but one interpretation of +it, and what a meaning had that,--dangerous to the peace of mind, to the +heart's happiness of her I actually adored! I lay down in my berth +and tried to sleep; but the nearest approach of slumber was a dreamy +condition, in which the words _vous etes un homme dangereux_ kept ever +ringing. I thought I saw Lady Blanche dressed in white, with a veil +covering her, a chaplet of orange flowers on her brow, and weeping as +though inconsolably; and there was a grim, mischievous little face that +nodded at me with a menacing expression, as though to say, 'This is +your work, Simon Yellowley;' and then I saw her lay aside the veil and +encircle herself with a sad-colored garment, while her tears fell even +faster than before; and then the little vixen from the window exclaimed, +'Here's more of it, Simon Yellowley.' Lord, how I reproached myself,--I +saw I was bringing her to the grave; yes, sir, there is no concealing +it. I _felt_ she loved me. I arose and put on my dressing-gown; my mind +was made up. I slipped noiselessly up the cabin-stairs, and with +much difficulty made my way to that part of the ship inhabited by the +servants. I will not recount here the insolent allusions I encountered, +nor the rude jests and jibes of the sailors when I asked for +Mademoiselle Virginie; nor was it without trouble and considerable delay +that I succeeded in obtaining an interview with her. + +"'Mademoiselle,' said I, 'I know the levity of your nation; no man is +more conscious than I of--of the frailty of your moral principles. +Don't be angry, but hear me out. You said a few minutes ago that I was +a "dangerous man;" tell me now, sincerely, truthfully, and +candidly,'--here I put rather a heavy purse into her hands,--'the exact +meaning you attached to these words.' + +"'Ah, Monsieur,' said she, with a stage shudder, '_je suis une pauvre +fille, ne me perdez pas_.' + +"I looked at the little wizened devil, and never felt stronger in my +virtue. + +"'Don't be afraid, Virginie, I'm an archbishop in principles; but +I thought that when you said these words they bore an allusion to +another--' + +"'_Ah! c'est ca,_' said she, with perfect _naivete_,--'so you are, a +dangerous man, a very dangerous man; so much so, indeed, that I shall +use all my influence to persuade one, of whom you are aware, to escape +as quickly as may be from the hazard of your fascinating society.' + +"I repeat these words, Mr. Tramp, which may appear to you now too +flattering; but the French language, in which Virginie spoke, permits +expressions even stronger than these, as mere conventionalities. + +"'Don't do it,' said I, 'don't do it, Virginie.' + +"'I must, and I will,' reiterated she; 'there's such a change in my poor +dear Lady Blanche since she met you; I never knew her give way to fits +of laughing before,--she's so capricious and whimsical,--she was an +angel formerly.' + +"'She is an angel still,' said I, with a frown, for I would not suffer +so much of aspersion against her. + +"'_Sans doute_,' chimed in Virginie, with a shrug of her shoulders, +'we are all angels, after a fashion;' and I endeavored to smile a +concurrence with this sentiment, in which I only half assented. + +"By wonderful skill and cross-questioning, I at last obtained the +following information: Lady Blanche was on a voyage of health, intending +to visit the remarkable places in the Mediterranean, and then winter at +some chosen spot upon its shores. Why she journeyed thus unprotected, +was a secret there was no fathoming by indirect inquiry, and any other +would have been an act of indelicacy. + +"'We will pass the winter at Naples, or Palermo, or Jerusalem, or some +other watering-place,' said Virginie, for her geography was, after all, +only a lady's-maid's accomplishment. + +"'You must persuade her to visit Egypt, Virginie,' said I,--'Egypt, +Virginie,--the land of the Pyramids. Induce her to do this, and to +behold the wonders of the strangest country in the universe. Even now,' +said I, 'Arab life--' + +"'Ah, _oui_. I have seen the Arabs at the Vaudeville; they have +magnificent beards.' + +"'The handsomest men in the world.' + +"'_Pas mal_,' said she, with a sententious nod there's no converting +into words. + +"'Well, Virginie, think of Cairo, think of Bagdad. You have read the +Arabian Nights--have n't you?' + +"'Yes,' said she, with a yawn, 'they are _passees_; now, what would you +have us do in this droll old place?' + +"'I would have you to visit Mehemet Ali, and be received at his court!' +--for I saw at once the class of fascination she would yield to. 'Drink +sherbet, eat sweetmeats, receive presents, magnificent presents, +cashmeres, diamond bracelets. Ah! think of that.' + +"'Ah! there is something in what you say,' said she, after a pause; +'but we have not come prepared for such an expensive journey. I am +purse-bearer, for Lady Blanche knows nothing about expense, and we shall +not receive remittances until we settle somewhere for the winter.' + +"These words made my heart leap; in five minutes more I explained to +Virginie that I was provided with a free transit through the East, in +which, by her aid, her mistress might participate, without ever knowing +it. 'You have only to pretend, Virginie, that Egypt is so cheap; tell +her a camel only costs a penny a league, and that one is actually paid +for crossing the Great Desert; you can hint that old Mehemet wants to +bring the thing into fashion, and that he would give his beard to see +English ladies travelling that route.' + +"'I knew it well,' said Virginie, with a malicious smile,--'I knew it +well; you are "a dangerous man."' + +"All the obstacles and impediments she could suggest, I answered +with much skill and address, not unaided, I own, by certain potent +persuasives, in the shape of bank paper,--she was a most mercenary +little devil; and as day was breaking, Virginie had fully agreed in all +my plans, and determined that her mistress should go beyond 'the second +cataract,' if I wished it. I need not say that she fully understood my +motives; she was a Frenchwoman, Mr. Tramp; the Russian loves train oil, +the Yankee prefers whittling, but a Frenchwoman, without an intrigue of +her own, or some one's else, on hand, is the most miserable object in +existence. + +"'I see where it all will end,' cried she, as I turned to leave her; 'I +see it already. Before six weeks are over, you will not ask _my_ aid to +influence my mistress.' + +"'Do you think so, Virginie?' said I, grasping at the suggestion. + +"'Of course I do,' said she, with a look of undisguised truth; '_ah, que +vous etes un homme dangereux!_' + +"It is a strange thing, Mr. Tramp, but I felt that title a prouder one +than if I had been called the Governor of Bombay. Varied and numerous as +the incidents of my life had been, I never knew till then that I was +a dangerous man; nor, indeed, do I believe that, in the previous +constitution of my mind, I should have relished the epithet; but I +hugged it now as the symbol of my happiness. The whole of the following +day was spent by me in company with Lady Blanche. I expatiated on the +glories of the East, and discussed everybody who had been there, from +Abraham down to Abercromby. What a multiplicity of learning, sacred +and profane, did I not pour forth,--I perfectly astounded her with the +extent of my information, for, as I told you before, I was strong on +Egypt, filling up every interstice with a quotation from Byron, or a +bit of Lalla Rookh, or a stray verse from the Palm Leaves, which +I invariably introduced as a little thing of my own; then I quoted +Herodotus, Denon, and Lamartine, without end--till before the dinner +was served, I had given her such a journey in mere description, that she +said with a sigh,-- + +"'Really, Mr. Yellowley, you have been so eloquent that I actually feel +as much fatigued as if I had spent a day on a camel.' + +"I gave her a grateful look, Mr. Tramp, and she smiled in return; from +that hour, sir, we understood each other. I pursued my Egyptian studies +nearly the entire of that night, and the next day came on deck, with +four chapters of Irby and Mangles off by heart. My head swam round with +ideas of things Oriental,--patriarchs and pyramids, Turks, dragomans, +catacombs, and crocodiles, danced an infernal quadrille in my excited +brain, and I convulsed the whole cabin at breakfast, by replying to the +captain's offer of some tea, with a profound salaam, and an exclamation +of '_Bish millah, allah il allah_.' + +"'You have infatuated me with your love of the East, Mr. Yellowley,' +said Lady Blanche, one morning, as she met me. 'I have been thinking +over poor Princess Shezarade and Noureddin, and the little tailor of +Bagdad, and the wicked Cadi, and all the rest of them.' + +"'Have I,' cried I, joyfully; 'have I indeed!' + +"'I feel I must see the Pyramids,' said she. 'I cannot resist an impulse +on which my thoughts are concentrated, and yours be all the blame of +this wilful exploit.' + +"' Yes,' said I. + + "' T is hard at some appointed place + To check your course and turn your prow, + And objects for themselves retrace + You past with added hope just now.' + +"'Yours,' said she, smilingly. + +"'A poor thing,' said I, 'I did for one of the Keepsakes.' + +"Ah, Mr. Tramp, it is very hard to distinguish one's own little verse +from the minor poets. All my life I have been under the delusion that +I wrote 'O'Connor's Child,' and the 'Battle of the Baltic;' and, now I +think of it, those lines are Monckton Milnes's. + +"We reached Alexandria a few days after, and at once joined the great +concourse of passengers bound for the East. + +"I perceive you are looking at your watch, Mr. Tramp." + +"I must indeed ask your pardon. I sail for Calais at the next ebb." + +"I shall not be tedious now, sir. We began 'the overland,'--the angel +travelling as Lady Blanche Yellowley, to avoid any possible inquiry +or impertinence from the official people. This was arranged between +Virginie and myself, without her knowledge. Then, indeed, began my +Arabian nights. Ah, Mr. Tramp, you never can know the happiness enjoyed +by him who, travelling for fourteen long hours over the hot sand, and +beneath the scorching sun of the desert, comes at last to stretch his +wearied limbs upon his carpet at evening, and gazes on celestial beauty +as he sips his mocha. Mahomet had a strong case, depend upon it, when he +furnished his paradise with a houri and a hubble-bubble; and such nights +were these, as we sat and chatted over the once glories of that great +land, while in the lone khan of the desert would be heard the silvery +sounds of a fair woman's voice, as she sung some little barcarole, or +light Venetian canzonette. Ah, Mr. Tramp, do you wonder if I loved--do +you wonder if I confessed my love? I did both, sir,--ay, sir, both. + +"I told her my heart's secret in an impassioned moment, and, with the +enthusiasm of true affection, explained my position and my passion. + +"'I am your slave,' said I, with trembling adoration,--'_your_ slave, +and the Secretary at Santancantantarabad. _You_ own my heart. _I_ +possess nothing but a Government situation and three thousand per annum. +I shall never cease to love you, and my widow must have a pension from +the Company.' + +"She covered her face with her handkerchief as I spoke, and her +sobs--they must have been sobs--actually penetrated my bosom. + +"'You must speak of this no more, dear Mr. Yellowley,' said she, wiping +her eyes; 'you really must not, at least until I arrive at Calcutta.' + +"'So you consent to go that far,' cried I, in ecstasy. + +"She seemed somewhat confused at her own confession, for she blushed and +turned away; then said, in a voice of some hesitation,-- + +"'Will you compel me to relinquish the charm of your too agreeable +society, or will you make me the promise I ask?' + +"'Anything--everything,' exclaimed I; and from that hour, Mr. Tramp, +I only _looked_ my love, at least, save when sighs and interjections +contributed their insignificant aid. + +I gave no expression to my consuming flame. Not the less progress, +perhaps, did I make for that. You can educate a feature, sir, to do the +work of four,--I could after a week or ten days look fifty different +things, and she knew them,--ay, that she did, as though it were a book +open before her. + +[Illustration: 610] + +"I could have strained my eyes to see through the canvas of a tent, Mr. +Tramp, if she were inside of it. And she, had you but seen _her_ looks! +what archness and what softness,--how piquant, yet how playful,--what +witchcraft and what simplicity! I must hasten on. We arrived within a +day of our journey's end. The next morning showed us the tall outline of +Fort William against the sky. The hour was approaching in which I might +declare my love, and declare it with some hope of a return!" + +"Mr. Tramp," said a waiter, hurriedly, interrupting Mr. Yellowley at +this crisis of his tale, "Captain Smithet, of the 'Hornet,' says he has +the steam up and will start in ten minutes." + +"Bless my heart," cried I; "this is a hasty summons;" while snatching up +my light travelling portmanteau, I threw my cloak over my shoulders at +once. + +"You 'll not go before I conclude my story," cried Mr. Yellowley, with a +voice of indignant displeasure. + +"I regret it deeply, sir," said I, "from my very heart; but I am the +bearer of government despatches for Vienna; they are of the greatest +consequence,--delay would be a ruinous matter." + +"I 'll go down with you to the quay," cried Yellowley, seizing my arm; +and we turned into the street together. It was still blowing a gale +of wind, and a heavy sleet was drifting in our faces, so that he was +compelled to raise his voice to a shout, to become audible. + +"'We are near Calcutta, dearest Lady Blanche,' said I; 'in a moment more +we shall be no longer bound by your pledge'--do you hear me, Mr. Tramp?" + +"Perfectly; but let us push along faster." + +"She was in tears, sir,--weeping. She is mine, thought I. What a night, +to be sure! We drove into the grand Cassawaddy; and the door of our +conveyance was wrenched open by a handsome-looking fellow, all gold and +moustaches. + +"'Blanche--my dearest Blanche!' said he. + +"'My own Charles!' exclaimed she." + +"Her brother, I suppose, Mr. Yellowley?" + +"No, sir," screamed he, "her husband!!!" + +"The artful, deceitful, designing woman had a husband!" screamed +Yellowley, above the storm and the hurricane. "They had been married +privately, Mr. Tramp, the day he sailed for India, and she only waited +for the next 'overland' to follow him out; and I, sir, the miserable +dupe, stood there, the witness of their joys. + +"'Don't forget this dear old creature, Charles,' said she: 'he +was invaluable to me on the journey!' But I rushed from the spot, +anguish-torn and almost desperate." + +"Come quickly, sir; we must catch the ebb-tide," cried a sailor, pushing +me along towards the jetty as he spoke. + +"My misfortunes were rife," screamed Yellowley, in my ear. "The Rajah to +whose court I was appointed had offended Lord Ellenborough, and it was +only the week before I arrived that his territory bad been added to +'British India,' as they call it, and the late ruler accommodated with +private apartments in Calcutta, and three hundred a year for life; so +that I had nothing to do but come home again. Good-bye,--good-bye, sir." + +"Go on," cried the captain from the paddle-box; and away we splashed, +in a manner far more picturesque to those on land than pleasant to us +on board, while high above the howling wind and rattling cordage came +Yellowley voice,--"Don't forget it, Mr. Tramp, don't forget it! Asleep +or awake, never trust them!" + +[Illustration: 612] + + + +THE ROAD VERSUS THE RAILS + +[Illustration: 613] + +Although the steam-engine itself is more naturalized amongst us than +with any other nation of Europe, railroad travelling has unquestionably +outraged more of the associations we once cherished and were proud of, +than it could possibly effect in countries of less rural and picturesque +beauty than England. "La Belle France" is but a great cornfield,--in +winter a dreary waste of yellow soil, in autumn a desert of dried +stubble; Belgium is only a huge cabbage-garden,--flat and fetid; +Prussia, a sandy plain, dotted with sentry-boxes. To traverse these, +speed is the grand requisite; there is little to remark, less to admire. +The sole object is to push forward; and when one remembers the lumbering +diligence and its eight buffaloes, the rail is a glorious alternative. + +In England, however, rural scenery is eminently characterized. The +cottage of the peasant enshrined in honeysuckle, the green glade, the +rich and swelling champaign, the quaint old avenues leading to some +ancient hall, the dark glen, the shining river, follow each other in +endless succession, suggesting so many memories of our people, and +teeming with such information of their habits, tastes, and feelings. +There was something distinctive, too, in that well-appointed coach, with +its four blood bays, tossing their heads with impatience, as they stood +before the village inn, waiting for the passengers to breakfast. I loved +every jingle of the brass housings; the flap of the traces, and the bang +of the swingle-bar, were music to my ears; and what a character was he +who wrapped his great drab coat around his legs, and gathered up the +reins with that careless indolence that seemed to say, "The beasts have +no need of guidance,--they know what they are about!" The very leer of +his merry eye to the buxom figure within the bar was a novel in three +volumes; and mark how lazily he takes the whip from the fellow that +stands on the wheel, proud of such a service; and hear him, as he cries, +"All right, Bill, let 'em go!"--and then mark the graceful curls of +the long lash, as it plays around the leaders' flanks, and makes the +skittish devils bound ere they are touched. And now we go careering +along the mountain-side, where the breeze is fresh and the air bracing, +with a wide-spread country all beneath us, across which the shadows are +moving like waves. Again, we move along some narrow road, overhung with +trees, rich in perfumed blossoms, which fall in showers over us as we +pass; the wheels are crushing the ripe apples as they lie uncared for; +and now we are in a deep glen, dark and shady, where only a straggling +sunbeam comes; and see, where the road opens, how the rabbits play, +nor are scared at our approach! Ha, merry England! there are sights and +sounds about you to warm a man's heart, and make him think of home. + +It was but a few days since I was seated in one of the cheap carriages +of a southern line, when this theme was brought forcibly to my mind by +overhearing a dialogue between a wagoner and his wife. The man, in all +the pride and worldliness of his nature, would see but the advantages +of rapid transit, where the poor woman saw many a change for the +worse,--all the little incidents and adventures of a pleasant journey +being now superseded by the clock-work precision of the rail, the +hissing engine, and the lumbering train. + +Long after they had left the carriage, I continued to dwell upon the +words they had spoken; and as I fell asleep, they fashioned themselves +into rude measure, which I remembered on awaking, and have called it-- + + +THE SONG OF THE THIRD-CLASS TRAIN. + + WAGONER. + Time was when with the dreary load + We slowly journeyed on, + And measured every mile of road + Until the day was gone; + Along the worn and rutted way, + When morn was but a gleam, + And with the last faint glimpse of day + Still went the dreary team. + But no more now to earth we bow! + Our insect life is past; + With furnace gleam, and hissing steam, + Our speed is like the blast + + + WIFE. + I mind it well,--I loved it too, + Full many a happy hour, + When o'er our heads the blossoms grew + That made the road a bower. + With song of birds, and pleasant sound + Of voices o'er the lea, + And perfume rising from the ground + Fresh turned by labor free. + And when the night, star-lit and bright, + Closed in on all around, + Nestling to rest, upon my breast + My boy was sleeping sonnd. + His mouth was moved, as tho' it provtd + That even in his dream + He grasped the whip--his tiny lip + Would try to guide the team. + Oh, were not these the days to please! + Were we not happy so? + The woman said. He hung his head, + And still he muttered low: + But no more now to earth we bow, + Our insect life is past; + With furnace gleam, and hissing steam, + Our speed is like the blast." + + + +"I wish I had a hundred pounds to argue the question on either side," as +Lord Plunkett said of a Chancery case; for if we have lost much of +the romance of the road, as it once existed, we have certainly gained +something in the strange and curious views of life presented by railroad +travelling; and although there was more of poetry in the pastoral, the +broad comedy of a journey is always amusing. The caliph who once sat on +the bridge of Bagdad, to observe mankind, and choose his dinner-party +from the passers-by, would unquestionably have enjoyed a far wider +scope for his investigation, had he lived in our day, and taken out a +subscription ticket for the Great Western or the Grand Junction. A peep +into the several carriages of a train is like obtaining a section of +society; for, like the view of a house, when the front wall is removed, +we can see the whole economy of the dwelling, from the kitchen to the +garret; and while the grand leveller, steam, is tugging all the same +road, at the same pace, subjecting the peer to every shock it gives +the peasant, individual peculiarities and class observances relieve the +uniformity of the scene, and afford ample opportunity for him who would +read while he runs. Short of royalty, there is no one nowadays may not +be met with "on the rail;" and from the Duke to Daniel O'Connell--a +pretty long interval--your _vis-a-vis_ may be any illustrious character +in politics, literature, or art. I intend, in some of these tales, to +make mention of some of the most interesting characters it has been my +fortune to encounter; meanwhile let me make a note of the most singular +railroad traveller of whom I have ever heard, and to the knowledge of +whom I accidentally came when travelling abroad. The sketch I shall +call-- + + + + +THE EARLY TRAIN TO VERSAILLES. + +"Droll people one meets travelling,--strange characters!" was the +exclamation of my next neighbor in the Versailles train, as an oddly +attired figure, with an enormous beard, and a tall Polish cap, got out +at Sevres; and this, of all the railroads in Europe, perhaps, presents +the most motley array of travellers. The "militaire," the shopkeeper, +the actor of a minor theatre, the economist Englishman residing at +Versailles for cheapness, the "modiste," the newspaper writer, are +all to be met with, hastening to and from this favorite resort of the +Parisians; and among a people so communicative, and so well disposed +to social intercourse, it is rare that even in this short journey the +conversation does not take a character of amusement, if not of actual +interest. + +"The last time I went down in this train it was in company with M. +Thiers; and, I assure you, no one could be more agreeable and affable," +said one. + +"Horace Vernet was my companion last week," remarked another; "indeed I +never guessed who it was, until a chance observation of mine about one +of his own pictures, when he avowed his name." + +"I had a more singular travelling-companion still," exclaimed a third; +"no less a personage than Aboul Djerick, the Arab chief, whom the +Marshal Bugeaud took prisoner." + +"_Ma foi!_ gentlemen," said a dry old lady from the corner of the +carriage, "these were not very remarkable characters, after all. +I remember coming down here with--what do you think?--for my +fellow-traveller. Only guess. But it is no use; you would never hit upon +it,--he was a baboon!" + +"A baboon!" exclaimed all the party, in a breath. + +"_Sacrebleu!_ Madame, you must be jesting." + +"No, gentlemen, nothing of the kind. He was a tall fellow, as big as M. +le Capitaine yonder; and he had a tail--_mon Dieu!_ what a tail! When +the conductor showed him into the carriage, it took nearly a minute to +adjust that enormous tail." + +A very general roar of laughter met this speech, excited probably more +by the serious manner of the old lady as she mentioned this +occurrence than by anything even in the event itself, though all were +unquestionably astonished to account for the incident. + +"Was he quiet, Madame?" said one of the passengers. + +"Perfectly so," replied she,--"_bien poli_." + +Another little outbreak of laughter at so singular a phrase, with +reference to the manners of an ape, disturbed the party. + +"He had probably made his escape from the Jardin des Plantes," cried a +thin old gentleman opposite. + +"No, Monsieur; he lived in the Rue St. Denis." + +"_Diable!_" exclaimed a lieutenant; "he was a good citizen of Paris. Was +he in the Garde Nationale, Madame?" + +"I am not sure," said the old lady, with a most provoking coolness. + +"And where was he going, may I ask?" cried another. + +"To Versailles, Monsieur,--poor fellow, he wept very bitterly." + +"Detestable beast!" exclaimed the old gentleman; "they make a horrid +mockery of humanity." + +"Ah! very true, Monsieur; there is a strong resemblance between the +two species." There was an unlucky applicability in this speech to the +hook-nose, yellow-skinned, wrinkled little fellow it was addressed to, +that once more brought a smile upon the party. + +"Was there no one with him, then? Who took care of him, Madame?" + +"He was alone, Monsieur. The poor fellow was a '_garcon_;' he told me so +himself." + +"Told you so!--the ape told you!--the baboon said that!" exclaimed each +in turn of the party, while an outburst of laughter filled the carriage. + +"'T is quite true,--just as I have the honor to tell you," said the old +lady, with the utmost gravity; "and although I was as much surprised as +you now are, when he first addressed me, he was so well-mannered, spoke +such good French, and had so much agreeability that I forgot my fears, +and enjoyed his society very much." + +It was not without a great effort that the party controlled themselves +sufficiently to hear the old lady's explanation. The very truthfulness +of her voice and accent added indescribably to the absurdity; for while +she designated her singular companion always as M. le Singe, she spoke +of him as if he had been a naturalized Frenchman, born to enjoy all the +inestimable privileges of "La Belle France." Her story was this--but it +is better, as far as may be, to give it in her own words:-- + +"My husband, gentlemen, is greffier of the Correctional Court of +Paris; and although obliged, during the session, to be every day at the +Tribunal, we reside at Versailles, for cheapness, using the railroad to +bring us to and from Paris. Now, it chanced that I set out from Paris, +where I had spent the night at a friend's house, by the early train, +which, you know, starts at five o'clock. Very few people travel by that +train; indeed, I believe the only use of it is to go down to Versailles +to bring up people from thence. It was a fine cheery morning--cold, but +bright--in the month of March, as I took my place alone in one of the +carriages of the train. After the usual delay (they are never prompt +with this train), the word 'En route' was given, and we started; but +before the pace was accelerated to a rapid rate, the door was wrenched +open by the 'conducteur'--a large full-grown baboon, with his tail over +his arm, stepped in--the door closed, and away we went. Ah! gentlemen, +I never shall forget that moment. The beast sat opposite me, just like +Monsieur there, with his old parchment face, his round brown eyes, and +his long-clawed paws, which he clasped exactly like a human being. _Mon +Dieu!_ what agony was mine! I had seen these creatures in the Jardin des +Plantes, and knew them to be so vicious; but I thought the best thing to +do was to cultivate the monster's good graces, and so I put my hand in +my reticule and drew forth a morsel of cake, which I presented to him. + +"'_Merci, Madame_,' said he, with a polite bow, 'I am not hungry.' + +"Ah! when I heard him say this, I thought I should have died. The beast +spoke it as plain as I am speaking to you; and he bowed his yellow face, +and made a gesture of his hand, if I may call it a hand, just this way. +Whether he remarked my astonishment, or perceived that I looked ill, I +can't say; but he observed in a very gentle tone,-- + +"'Madame is fatigued.' + +"'Ah! Monsieur,' said I, 'I never knew that you spoke French.' + +"'_Oui, parbleu!_' said he, 'I was born in the Pyrenees, and am only +half a Spaniard.' + +"'Monsieur's father, then,' said I, 'was he a Frenchman?' + +"'_Pauvre bete_,' said he; 'he was from the Basque Provinces. He was a +wild fellow.' + +"'I have no doubt of it,' said I; 'but it seems they caught him at +last.' + +"'You are right, Madame. Strange enough you should have guessed it. He +was taken in Estremadura, where he joined a party of brigands. They knew +my father by his queue; for, amid all his difficulties, nothing could +induce him to cut it off.' + +"'I don't wonder,' said I; 'it would have been very painful.' + +"'It would have made his heart bleed, Madame, to touch a hair of it. +He was proud of that old queue; and he might well be,--it was the +best-looking tail in the North of Spain.' + +"'Bless my heart,' thought I, 'these creatures have their vanities too.' + +"'Ah, Madame, we had more freedom in those days. My father used to tell +me of the nights he has passed on the mountains, under the shade, or +sometimes in the branches of the cork-trees, with pleasant companions, +fellows of his own stamp. We were not hunted down then, as we are now; +there was liberty then.' + +"'Well, for my part,' said I, 'I should not dislike the Jardin des +Plantes, if I was like one of you. It ain't so bad to have one's meals +at regular times, and a comfortable bed, and a good dry house.' + +"'I don't know what you mean by the Jardin des Plantes. I live in the +Rue St. Denis, and I for one feel the chain about my ankles, under this +vile _regime_ we live in at present.' + +"He had managed to slip it off this time, anyhow; for I saw the +creature's legs were free. + +"'Ah, Madame,' exclaimed Le Singe, slapping his forehead with his paw, +'men are but rogues, cheats, and swindlers.' + +"'Are apes better?' said I, modestly. + +"'I protest I think they are,' said he. 'Except a propensity to petty +pilfering, they are honest beasts.' + +"'They are most affectionate,' said I, wishing to flatter him; but he +took no notice of the observation. + +"'Madame,' exclaimed he, after a pause, and with a voice of unusual +energy, 'I was so near being caught in a trap this very morning.' + +"'Dear me,' said I, 'and they laid a trap for you?' + +"'An infernal trap,' said he. 'A mistake might have cost me my liberty +for life. Do you know M. Laborde, the director of the Gymnase?' + +"'Ihave heard of him, but no more.' + +"'What a "fripon" he is! There is not such a scoundrel living; but I 'll +have him yet. Let him not think to escape me! Pardon, Madame, does my +tail inconvenience you?' + +"'Not at all, sir. Pray don't stir.' + +"I must say that, in his excitement, the beast whisked the appendage to +and fro with his paw in a very furious manner. + +"'Only conceive, Madame, I have passed the night in the open air; +hunted, chased, pursued,--all on account of the accursed M. Laborde. +I that was reared in a warm climate, brought up in every comfort, and +habituated to the most tender care,--exposed, during six hours, to the +damp dews of a night in the Bois de Boulogne. I know it will fall on +my chest, or I shall have an attack of rheumatism. Ah, _mon Dieu!_ if +I shouldn't be able to climb and jump, it would be better for me to be +dead.' + +[Illustration: 622] + +"'No, no,' said I, trying to soothe him, 'don't say that. Here am I, +very happy and contented, and could n't spring over a street gutter if +you gave me the Tuileries for doing it.' + +"'"What has that to say to it?' cried he, fiercely. 'Our instincts and +pursuits are very different.' + +"'Yes, thank God,' muttered I, below my breath, 'I trust they are.' + +"'You live at Versailles,' said he, suddenly. 'Do you happen to know +Antoine Geoffroy, greffier of the Tribunal?' + +"'Yes, _parbleu!_' said I; 'he is my husband.' + +"'Oh, Madame! what good fortune! He is the only man in France can assist +me. I want him to catch M. Laborde. When can I see him?' + +"'He will be down in the ten o'clock train,' said I. 'You can see him +then, Rue du Petit Lait.' + +"'Ah, but where shall I lie concealed till then? If they should overtake +me and catch me,--if they found me out, I should be ruined.' + +"'Come with me, then. I 'll hide you safe enough.' + +"The beast fell on its knees, and kissed my hand like a Christian, and +muttered his gratitude till we reached the station. + +"Early as it was--only six o'clock--I confess I did not half like the +notion of taking the creature's arm, which he offered me, as we got out; +but I was so fearful of provoking him, knowing their vindictive nature, +that I assented with as good a grace as I was able; and away we went, he +holding his tail festooned over his wrist, and carrying my carpet-bag in +the other hand. So full was he of his anger against M. Laborde, and his +gratitude to me, that he could talk of nothing else as we went along, +nor did he pay the slightest attention to the laughter and jesting our +appearance excited from the workmen who passed by. + +"'Madame has good taste in a cavalier,' cried one. + +"'There 'll be a reward for that fellow to-morrow or next day,' cried +another. + +"'Yes, yes,--he is the biggest in the whole Jardin des Plantes,' said a +third. + +"Such were the pleasant commentaries that met my ears, even at that +quiet hour. + +"When we reached the Rue du Petit Lait, however, a very considerable +crowd followed us, consisting of laborers and people on their way to +work; and I assure you I repented me sorely of the good nature that had +exposed me to such consequences; for the mob pressed us closely, many +being curious to examine the creature near, and some even going so far +as to pat him with their hands, and take up the tip of his tail in their +fingers. The beast, however, with admirable tact, never spoke a word, +but endured the annoyance without any signs of impatience,--hoping, of +course, that the house would soon screen him from their view; but only +think of the bad luck. When we arrived at the door, we rung and rung, +again and again, but no one came. In fact, the servant, not expecting me +home before noon, had spent the night at a friend's house; and there we +were, in the open street, with a crowd increasing every moment around +us. + +"'What is to be done?' said I, in utter despair; but before I had even +uttered the words, the beast disengaged himself from me, and, springing +to the 'jalousies,' scrambled his way up to the top of them. In a moment +more he was in the window of the second story, and then, again ascending +in the same way, reached the third, the mob hailing him with cries of +'Bravo, Singe!--well done, ape!--mind your tail, old fellow!--that's +it, monkey!'--and so on, until with a bound he sprung in through an open +window, and then, popping out his head, and with a gesture of little +politeness, made by his outstretched fingers on his nose, he cried out, +'Messieurs, j'ai l'honneur de vous saluer.' + +"If every beast in the Jardin des Plantes, from the giraffe down to +the chimpanzee, had spoken, the astonishment could not have been more +general; at first the mob were struck mute with amazement, but, after a +moment, burst forth into a roar of laughter. + +"'Ah! I know that fellow,--I have paid twenty sons to see him before +now,' cried one. + +"'So have I,' said another; 'and it's rare fun to look at him cracking +nuts, and swinging himself on the branch of a tree by his tail.' + +"At this moment the door opened, and I slipped in without hearing +farther of the commentaries of the crowd. In a little time the servant +returned, and prepared the breakfast; and although, as you may suppose, +I was very ignorant what was exactly the kind of entertainment to set +before my guest, I got a great dish of apples and a plate of chestnuts, +and down we sat to our meal. + +"'That was a ring at the door, I think,' said he; and as he spoke, my +husband entered the room. + +"'Ah! you here?' cried he, addressing M. le Singe. + +'_Parbleu!_ there's a pretty work in Paris about you,--it is all over +the city this morning that you are off.' + +"'And the Director?' said the ape. + +"'The old bear, he is off too.' + +"'So, thought I to myself,--' 'it would appear the other beasts have +made their escape too.' + +"'Then, I suppose,' said the ape, 'there will be no catching him.' + +"'I fear not,' said my husband; 'but if they do succeed in overtaking +the old fox, they 'll have the skin off him.' + +"Cruel enough, thought I to myself, considering it was the creature's +instinct. + +"'These, however, are the orders of the Court; and when you have +signed this one, I shall set off in pursuit of him at once.' So said my +husband, as he produced a roll of papers from his pocket, which the ape +perused with the greatest avidity. + +"'He'll be for crossing the water, I warrant.' + +"'No doubt of it,' said my husband. 'France will be too hot for him for +a while.' + +"'Poor beast,' said I, 'he'll be happier in his native snows.' + +"At this they both laughed heartily; and the ape signed his name to the +papers, and brushed the sand over them with the tip of his tail. + +"'We must get back to Paris at once,' said he, 'and in a coach too, for +I cannot have a mob after me again.' + +"'Leave that to me,' said my husband. 'I'll see you safely home. +Meanwhile let me lend you a cloak and a hat;' and, with these words, he +dressed up the creature so that when the collar was raised you would not +have known him from that gentleman opposite. + +"'Adieu,' said he, 'Madame,' with a wave of his hand, '_au revoir_, +I hope, if it would give you any pleasure to witness our little +performances--' + +"'No, no,' said I, 'there's a small creature goes about here, on an +organ, in a three-cornered cocked-hat and a red coat, and I can have him +for half an hour for two sous.' + +"'Votre serviteur, Madame,' said he, with an angry whisk of his tail; +for although I did not intend it, the beast was annoyed at my remark. + +"Away they went, Messieurs, and from that hour to this I never heard +more of the creature, nor of his companions; for my husband makes it a +rule never to converse on topics relating to his business,--and it seems +he was, somehow or other, mixed up in the transaction." + +"But, Madame," cried one of the passengers, "you don't mean to palm this +fable on us for reality, and make us believe something more absurd than +AEsop himself ever invented?" + +"If it be only an impertinent allegory," said the old gentleman +opposite, "I must say, it is in the worst possible taste." + +"Or if," said a little white-faced fat man, with spectacles,--"or if it +be a covert attack upon the National Guard of Paris, as the corporal +of the 95th legion, of the 37th arrondissement, I repel the insinuation +with contempt." + +"Heaven forbid, gentlemen! The facts I have narrated are strictly true; +my husband can confirm them in every particular, and I have only +to regret that any trait in the ape's character should suggest +uncomfortable recollections to yourselves." + +The train had now reached its destination, and the old lady got out, +amid the maledictions of some, and the stifled laughter of others of the +passengers,--for only one or two had shrewdness enough to perceive that +she was one of those good credulous souls who implicitly believed +all she had narrated, and whose judgment having been shaken by the +miraculous power of a railroad which converted the journey of a day into +the trip of an hour, could really have swallowed any other amount of the +apparently impossible it might be her fortune to meet with. + +For the benefit of those who may not be as easy of belief as the good +Madame Geoffroy, let me add one word as the solution of this mystery. +The ape was no other than M. Gouffe, who, being engaged to perform as a +monkey in the afterpiece of "La Perouse," was actually cracking nuts +in a tree, when he learned from a conversation in "the flats," that the +director, M. Laborde, had just made his escape with all the funds of +the theatre, and six months of M. Gouffe's own salary. Several +police-officers had already gained access to the back of the stage, and +were arresting the actors as they retired. Poor Jocko had nothing for +it, then, but to put his agility to the test, and, having climbed to the +top of the tree, he scrambled in succession over the heads of several +scenes, till he reached the back of the stage, where, watching his +opportunity, he descended in safety, rushed down the stairs, and gained +the street. By immense exertions he arrived at the Bois de Boulogne, +where he lay concealed until the starting of the early train for +Versailles. The remainder of his adventure the reader already knows. + +Satisfactory as this explanation may be to some, I confess I should be +sorry to make it, if I thought it would reach the eyes or ears of poor +Madame Geoffroy, and thus disabuse her of a pleasant illusion, and the +harmless gratification of recounting her story to others as unsuspecting +as herself. + + + + +THE TUNNEL OF TRUeBAU. + +[Illustration: 628] + +Amblers have not more prejudices and superstitions than railroad +travellers. All the preferences for the winning places, the lucky pack, +the shuffling cut, &c., have their representatives among the prevailing +notions of those who "fly by steam." + +"I _always_ sit with my back to the engine," cries one. + +"I _always_ travel as far from the engine as possible," exclaims +another. + +"I _never_ trust myself behind the luggage train," adds a third. + +"There 's nothing like a middle place," whispers a fourth: and so on +they go; as if, when a collision does come, and the clanking monster has +taken an erratic fit, and eschews the beaten path, any precautions or +preferences availed in the slightest degree, or that it signified a +snort of the steam, whether you were flattened into a pancake, or blown +up in the shape of a human _souffle_. "The Rail" is no Whig politician, +no "bit-by-bit" reformer. When a smash happens, skulls are as fragile +as saucers, and bones as brittle as Bohemian glass. The old "fast coach" +never killed any one but the timid gentleman that jumped off. To be +sure, it always dislocated the coachman's shoulder; but then, from old +habit of being shot out, the bone rolled in again, like a game of +cup and ball. The insides and out scraped each other, swore fearful +intentions against the proprietors, and some ugly fellow took his action +of damages for the loss his prospects sustained by disfigurement. This +was the whole extent of the mishap. Not so now, when four hundred souls +are dashed frantically together and pelt heads at each other as people +throw _bonbons_ at a carnival. + +Steam has invented something besides fast travelling; and if it +has supplied a new method of getting through the world, it has also +suggested about twenty new ways of going out of it. Now, it's the old +story of the down train and the up, both bent on keeping the same line +of rails, and courageously resolving to see which is the "better man," +a point which must always remain questionable, as the umpires never +survive. Again, it is the engine itself, that, sick of straight lines, +catches a fancy for the waving ones of beauty, and sets out, full +speed, over a fine grass country, taking the fences as coolly as Allan +M'Donough himself, and caring just as little for what "comes behind:" +these incidents being occasionally varied by the train taking the sea or +taking fire, either of which has its own inconveniences, more likely to +be imagined than described. + +I remember once hearing this subject fully discussed in a railroad +carriage, where certainly the individuals seemed amateurs in accidents, +every man having some story to relate or some adventure to recount, +of the grievous dangers of "The Rail." I could not help questioning to +myself the policy of such revelations, so long as we journeyed within +the range of similar calamities; but somehow self-tormenting is a very +human practice, and we all indulged in it to the utmost. The narratives +themselves had their chief interest from some peculiarity in the mode of +telling, or in the look and manner of the recounter; all save one, which +really had features of horror all its own, and which were considerably +heightened by the simple but powerful style of him who told it. I feel +how totally incapable I am of conveying even the most distant imitation +of his manner; but the story, albeit neither complicated nor involved, +I must repeat, were it only as a reminiscence of a most agreeable +fellow-traveller, Count Henri de Beulivitz, the Saxon envoy at Vienna. + +"I was," says the Count--for so far I must imitate him, and speak in the +first person--"I was appointed special envoy to the Austrian court about +a year and a half since, under circumstances which required the utmost +despatch, and was obliged to set out the very day after receiving my +appointment. The new line of railroad from Dresden to Vienna was only in +progress, but a little below Prague the line was open, and by travelling +thither _en poste_, I should reach the Austrian capital without loss of +time. This I resolved on; and by the forenoon of the day after, arrived +at Truebau, where I placed my carriage on a truck, and comfortably +composed myself to rest, under the impression that I need never stir +till within the walls of Vienna. + +"If you have ever travelled in this part of Europe, I need not remind +you of the sad change of prospect which ensues after you pass the +Bohemian frontier. Saxony, rich in picturesque beauty; the valley of the +Elbe, in many respects finer than the Rhine itself; the proud summit of +the Bastey; the rock-crowned fortress of Koenigstein,--are all succeeded +by monotonous tracts of dark forest, or still more dreary plains, +disfigured, not enlivened by villages of wretched hovels, poor, I have +heard, as the dwellings of the Irish peasant. What a contrast, too! the +people, the haggard faces and sallow cheeks of the swarthy Bohemian, +with the blue eye and ruddy looks of the Saxon! 'Das Sachsenland wo +die huebsche maedchen auf die Baueme wachsen.' Proud as I felt at the +superiority of my native country, I could not resist the depression, +suggested by the monotony of the scene before me, its dull uniformity, +its hopeless poverty; and as I sunk into a sleep, my dreams took +the gloomy aspect of my waking thoughts, gloomier, perhaps, because +unrelieved by all effort of volition,--a dark river unruffled by a +single breeze. + +"The perpetual bang! bang! of the piston has, in its reiterated stroke, +something diabolically terrible. It beats upon the heart with an +impression irresistibly solemn! I remember how in my dreams the +accessories of the train kept flitting round me, and I thought the +measured sounds were the clickings of some infernal clock, which meted +out time to legions of devils. I fancied them capering to and fro amid +flame and smoke, with shrieks, screams, and wild gestures. My brain grew +hot with excitement. I essayed to awake, but the very rocking of the +train steeped my faculties in a lethargy. At last, by a tremendous +effort, I cried out aloud, and the words broke the spell, and I +awoke--dare I call it awaking? I rubbed my eyes, pinched my arms, +stamped with my feet; alas! it was too true!--the reality announced +itself to my senses. I was there, seated in my carriage, amid a darkness +blacker than the blackest night. A low rumbling sound, as of far-distant +thunder, had succeeded to the louder bang of the engine. A dreadful +suspicion flashed on me,--it grew stronger with each second; and, ere a +minute more, I saw what had happened. The truck on which my carriage was +placed had by some accident become detached from the train; and while +the other portion of the train proceeded on its way, there was I, alone, +deserted, and forgotten, in the dark tunnel of Truebau,--for such I at +once guessed must be the dreary vault, unillumined by one ray of light +or the glimmering of a single lamp. Convictions, when the work of +instinct rather than reflection, have a stunning effect, that seems to +arrest all thought, and produce a very stagnation of the faculties. +Mine were in this state. As when, in the shock of battle, some +terrible explosion, dealing death to thousands at once, will appall +the contending hosts, and make men aghast with horror, so did my ideas +become fixed and rooted to one horrible object; and for some time I +could neither think of the event nor calculate on its consequences. +Happy for me if the stupefaction continued! No sooner, however, had my +presence of mind returned, than I began to anticipate every possible +fatality that might occur. Death I knew it must be, and what a +death!--to be run down by the train for Prague, or smashed by the +advancing one from Olmutz. How near my fate might be, I could not guess. +I neither knew how long it was since I entered the tunnel, nor at what +hours the other trains started. They might be far distant, or they +might be near at hand. Near!--what was space when such terrible power +existed?--a league was the work of minutes--at that very moment the +furious engine might be rushing on! I thought of the stoker stirring the +red fire. I fancied I saw the smoke roll forth, thicker and blacker, as +the heat increased, and through my ears went the thugging bang of the +piston, quicker and quicker; and I screamed aloud in my agony, and +called out to them to stop! I must have swooned, for when consciousness +again came to me, I was still amid the silence and darkness of the +tunnel. I listened, and oh! with what terrible intensity the human ear +can strain its powers when the sounds awaited are to announce life +or death! The criminal in the dock, whose eyes are riveted in a glazy +firmness on him who shall speak his doom, drinks in the words ere they +are well uttered,--each syllable falls upon his heart as fatal to hope +as is the headsman's axe to life. The accents are not human sounds; it +is the trumpet of eternity that fills his ears, and rings within his +brain,--the loud blast of the summoning angel calling him to judgment. + +"Terrible as the thunder of coming destruction is, there is yet a sense +more fearfully appalling in the unbroken silence of the tomb,--the +stillness of death without its lethargy! Dreadful moment!--what +fearful images it can call up!--what pictures it can present before the +mind!--how fearfully reality may be blended with the fitful forms of +fancy, and fact be associated even with the impossible! + +"I tried to persuade myself that the bounds of life were already past, +and that no dreadful interval of torture was yet before me; but this +consolation, miserable though it was, yielded as I touched the side of +the carriage, and felt the objects I so well knew. No; it was evident +the dreaded moment was yet to come,--the shocking ordeal was still to be +passed; and before I should sink into the sleep that knows not waking, +there must be endured the torture of a death-struggle, or, mayhap, the +lingering agony of protracted suffering. + +"As if in a terrible compensation for the shortness of my time on earth, +minutes were dragged out to the space of years,--amid the terrors of the +present, I thought of the past and the future. The past, with its varied +fortune of good and ill, of joy and sorrow,--how did I review it now! +With what scrutiny did I pry into my actions, and call upon myself to +appear at the bar of my conscience! Had my present mission to Vienna +contained anything Machiavelic in its nature, I should have trembled +with the superstitious terror that my misfortune was a judgment of +Heaven. But no. It was a mere commonplace negotiation, of which time was +the only requisite. Even this, poor as it was, had some consolation in +it,--I should, at least, meet death without the horror of its being a +punishment. + +"I had often shuddered at the fearful narratives of people buried alive +in a trance, or walled up within the cell of a convent. How willingly +would I now have grasped at such an alternative! Such a fate would steal +over without the terrible moment of actual suffering,--the crash and the +death struggle! I fancied a thousand alleviating circumstances in the +dreamy lethargy of gradual dissolution. Then came the thought--and how +strange that such a thought should obtrude at such a time!--what will +be said of me hereafter?--how will the newspapers relate the occurrence? +Will they speculate on the agony of my anticipated doom?--will they +expatiate on all that I am now actually enduring? What will the +passengers in the train say, when the collision shall have taken place? +Will there be enough of me left to make investigation easy? How poor +G------will regret me! and I am sure he will never be seen in public +till he has invented a _bon mot_ on my destiny. + +"Again, I recurred to the idea of culpability, and asked myself whether +there might not be some contravention of the intentions of Providence by +this newly invented power of steam, which thus involved me in a fate +so dreadful? What right had man to arrogate to himself a prerogative +of motion his own physical powers denied him; and why did he dare to +penetrate into the very bowels of the earth, when his instinct clearly +pointed to avocations on the surface? These reflections were speedily +routed; for now, a low, rumbling sound, such as I have heard described +as the premonitory sign of a coming earthquake, filled the tunnel. It +grew louder and louder; and whether it were the sudden change from the +dread stillness, or that, in reality, it were so, it sounded like the +booming of the sea within some gigantic cavern. I listened anxiously, +and oh, terrible thought! now I could hear the heavy thug! thug! of the +piston. It was a train! + +"A train coming towards me! Every sob of the straining engine sent a +death-pang through me; the wild roar of a lion could not convey more +terror to my heart! I thought of leaving the carriage, and clinging to +the side of the tunnel; but there was only one line of rails, and the +space barely permitted the train to pass! It was now too late for any +effort; the thundering clamor of the engine swelled like the report of +heavy artillery, and then a red hazy light gleamed amid the darkness, +as though an eye of fire was looking into my very soul. It grew into a +ghastly brightness, and I thought its flame could almost scorch me. +It came nearer and nearer. The dark figures of the drivers passed and +re-passed behind it. I screamed and yelled in my agony, and in the +frenzy of the moment drew a pistol from my pocket, and fired,--why, or +in what direction, I know not. A shrill scream shot through the gloom. +Was it a death-cry? I could not tell, for I had fainted. + +"The remainder is easily told. The train had, on discovering my being +left behind, sent back an engine to fetch me; but from a mistake of the +driver, who was given to suppose that I had not entered the tunnel, he +had kept the engine at half speed, and without the happy accident of the +pistol and the flash of the powder, I should inevitably have been run +down; for, even as it was, the collision drove my carriage about fifty +yards backwards, an incident of which, happily, I neither was conscious +at the time, nor suffered from afterwards." + +"That comes of travelling on a foreign railroad!" muttered a ruddy-faced +old gentleman in drab shorts. "Those fellows have no more notion of how +to manage an engine--" + +"Than the Pope has of the polka," chimed in a very Irish accent from the +corner of the carriage. + +"Very true, sir," rejoined the former. "English is the only language to +speak to the boiler. The moment they try it on with French or German, +something goes wrong. You saw how they roasted the people at Versailles, +and--" + +"Ah! the devil a bit they know about it at all," interposed the +Emeralder. "The water is never more than lukewarm, and there 's more +smoke out of the chap's pipe that stands in front than out of the +funnel. They 've generally an engine at each end, and it takes twenty +minutes at every station to decide which way they'll go,--one wanting +this way, and the other that." + +"Is it not better in Belgium?" asked I. + +"Belgium, is it?--bad luck to it for Belgium: I ought to know something +of how _they_ manage. There is n't a word of truth among them. Were you +ever at Antwerp?" + +"Yes; I have passed through it several times." + +"Well, how long does it take to go from Antwerp to Brussels?" + +"Something more than an hour, if I remember aright." + +"Something more!--on my conscience I think it does. See now, it's four +days and a half travelling the same journey." + +A burst of laughter irrepressible met this speech, for scarcely any +one of the party had not had personal experience of the short distance +alluded to. + +"You may laugh as much as you please,--you're welcome to your fun; but I +went the road myself, and I 'd like to see which of you would say I did +n't." + +There was no mistaking the tone nor the intention of the speech; it was +said without any elevation of voice or any bravado of manner, but with +the quiet, easy determination of a man who only asked reasonable grounds +for an opportunity to blow some other gentleman's brains out. Some +disclaimed all idea of a contradiction, others apologized for the mirth +at the great disparity of the two statements,--one alleging an hour for +what another said four days were required; while I, anxious to learn +the Irishman's explanation, timidly hinted a desire to hear more of his +travelling experiences. + +He acceded to my wish with as much readiness as he would probably have +done had I made overtures of battle, and narrated the following short +incident, which, for memory's sake, I have called + + +"MR. BLAKE IN BELGIUM." + +"I was persuaded," quoth Mr. Blake,--"I was persuaded by my wife that we +ought to go and live abroad for economy,--that there would be no end to +the saving we 'd make by leaving our house in Galway, and taking up our +residence in France or Belgium. First, we 'd let the place for at least +six hundred a year,--the garden and orchard we set down for one hundred; +then we 'd send away all the lazy 'old hangers on,' as my wife called +them, such as the gatekeepers and gardeners and stable boys. These, +her sister told her, were 'eating us up' entirely; and her sister was +a clever one too,--a widow woman that had lived in every part of the +globe, and knew all the scandal of every capital in Europe, on less than +four hundred a year. She told my wife that Ireland was the lowest +place at all; nobody would think of bringing up their family there; no +education, no manners, and, worst of all, no men that could afford to +marry. This was a home-stroke, for we had five grown-up girls. + +"'My dear,' said she, 'you'll live like the Duchess of Sutherland, +abroad, for eight hundred a year; you 'll have a beautiful house, see +company, keep your carriage and saddle horses, and drink Champagne every +day of the week, like small beer; then velvets and lace are to be had +for a song; the housemaids wear nothing but silk;' in fact, from my wife +down to little Joe, that heard sugar candy was only a penny an ounce, we +were all persuaded there was nothing like going abroad for economy. + +"Mrs. Fitzmaurice--that was my sister-in-law's name--explained to us how +there was nothing so expensive as Ireland. + +"''T is not, my dear,' said she, 'that things are not cheap; but that's +the reason it's ruinous to live here. There's old Molly the cook uses +more meat in a day than would feed a foreign family for a month. If you +want a beefsteak, you must kill a heifer. Now abroad you just get the +joint you want, to the very size you wish,--no bone, if you don't ask +for it. And look at the waste. In the stables you keep eight horses, and +you never have a pair for the carriage. The boys are mounted; but you +and the girls have nothing to drive out with. Besides, what can you do +with that overgrown garden? It costs you L50 a year, and you get nothing +out of it but crab-apples and cabbages. No, no; the Continent is the +place; and as for society, instead of old Darcy, of Ballinamuck, or +Father Luke, for company, you 'll have Prince this, and Count that, +foreign ministers and plenipotentiaries, archdukes, and attaches without +end. There will be more stars round your dinner-table than ever you saw +in the sky on a frosty night And the girls. I would n't wonder if the +girls, by giving a sly hint that they had a little money, might n't +marry some of the young Coburgs.' + +"These were flattering visions, while for me the trap was baited with +port, duty free, and strong Burgundy, at one and sixpence a bottle. My +son Tom was taught to expect cigars at twopence a dozen; and my second +daughter, Mary, was told that, with the least instruction, her Irish jig +could be converted into a polka. In fact, it was clear we had only to +go abroad to save two-thirds of our income, and become the most +accomplished people into the bargain. + +"From the hour this notion was mooted amongst us, Ireland became +detestable. The very pleasures and pastimes we once liked, grew +distasteful; even the society of our friends came associated with ideas +of vulgarity that deprived it of all enjoyment. + +"'That miserable satin-turque,' exclaimed my wife, 'it is a mere +rag, and it cost me five and ninepence a yard. Mrs. Fitz. says that a +shop-girl would n't wear it in Paris.' + +"'Infernal climate!' cries Tom; 'nothing but rain above and mud +beneath.' + +"'And, dear papa,' cries Sophy, 'old Flannigan has no more notion +of French than I have of fortification. He calls the man that sells +sausages the 'Marchand de combustibles.' + +"If these were not reasons for going abroad, I know nothing of Ireland; +and so we advertised 'Castle Blake' to be let, and the farming-stock to +be sold. The latter wasn't difficult. My neighbors bought up everything +at short bills, to be renewed whenever they became due. As for the +house, it was n't so easy to find a tenant. So I put in the herd to take +care of it, and gave him the garden for his pains. I turned in my cattle +over the lawn, which, after eating the grass, took to nibbling the +young trees and barking the older ones. This was not a very successful +commencement of economy; but Mrs. Fitz. always said,-- + +"'What matter? you 'll save more than double the amount the first year +you are abroad.' + +"To carry out their economical views, it was determined that Brussels, +and not Paris, should be our residence for the first year; and thither +my wife and two sons and five daughters repaired, under the special +guidance of Mrs. Fitz., who undertook the whole management of our +affairs, both domestic and social. I was left behind to arrange certain +money matters, and about the payment of interest on some mortgages, +which I consoled myself by thinking that a few years of foreign economy +would enable me to pay off in full. + +"It was nearly six months after their departure from Ireland that I +prepared to follow,--not in such good spirits, I confess, as I +once hoped would be my companions on the journey. The cheapness of +Continental life requires, it would appear, considerable outlay at the +first, probably on the principle that a pastry-cook's apprentice is +always surfeited with tarts during the first week, so that he never +gets any taste for sweetmeats afterwards. This might account for my wife +having drawn about twelve hundred pounds in that short time, and always +accompanying every fresh demand for money with an eloquent panegyric +on her own economy. To believe her, never was there a household so +admirably managed. The housemaid could dress hair; the butler could +drive the carriage; the writing-master taught music; the dancing-master +gave my eldest daughter a lesson in French without any extra charge. +Everything that was expensive was the cheapest in the end. Genoa velvet +lasted for ever; real Brussels lace never wore out; it was only the +'mock things' that were costly. It was frightful to think how many +families were brought to ruin by cheap articles! + +"'I suppose it's all right,' said I to myself; 'and so far as I am +concerned I 'll not beggar my family by taking to cheap wines. If they +have any Burgundy that goes so high as one and eightpence, I will drink +two bottles every day.' + +"Well, sir, at last came the time that I was to set out to join them; +and I sailed from London in the Princess Victoria, with my passport in +one pocket, and a written code of directions in the other, for of French +I knew not one syllable. It was not that my knowledge was imperfect or +doubtful; but I was as ignorant of the language as though it was a dead +one. + +"'The place should be cheap,' thought I, 'for certainly it has no charms +of scenery to recommend it,' as we slowly wended our way up the sluggish +Scheldt, and looked with some astonishment at the land the Dutchmen +thought worth fighting for. Arrived at Antwerp, I went through the +ordeal of having my trunks ransacked, and my passport examined by some +warlike-looking characters, with swords on. They said many things to +me; but I made no reply, seeing that we were little likely to benefit +by each other's conversation; and at last, when all my formalities were +accomplished, I followed a concourse of people who, I rightly supposed, +were on their way to the railroad. + +"It is a plaguy kind of thing enough, even for a taciturn man, not to +speak the language of those about him; however, I made myself tolerably +well understood at this station, by pulling out a handful of silver +coin, and repeating the word Brussels, with every variety of accent I +could think of. They guessed my intentions, and in acknowledgment of my +inability to speak one word of French, pulled and shoved me along till +I reached one of the carriages. At last a horn blew, another replied to +it, a confused uproar of shouting succeeded, like what occurs on board +a merchant ship when getting under weigh, and off jogged the train, at +a very honest eight miles an hour; but with such a bumping, shaking, +shivering, and rickety motion, it was more like travelling over a Yankee +corduroy road than anything else. I don't know what class of carriage I +was in, but the passengers were all white-faced, smoky-looking fellows, +with very soiled shirts and dirty hands; with them, of course, I had no +manner of intercourse. I was just thinking whether I should n't take +a nap, when the train came to a dead stop, and immediately after, the +whole platform was covered with queer-looking fellows, in shovelled +hats, and long petticoats like women. These gentry kept bowing and +saluting each other in a very droll fashion, and absorbed my attention, +when my arm was pulled by one of the guards of the line, while he said +something to me in French. What he wanted, the devil himself may know; +but the more I protested that I could n't speak, the louder he replied, +and the more frantically he gesticulated, pointing while he did so to a +train about to start, hard by. + +"'Oh! that's it,' said I to myself, 'we change coaches here;' and so +I immediately got out, and made the best of my way over to the other +train. I had scarcely time to spare, for away it went at about the same +lively pace as the last one. After travelling about an hour and a half +more, I began to look out for Brussels, and, looking at my code of +instructions, I suspected I could not be far off; nor was I much +mistaken as to our being nigh a station, for the speed was diminished to +a slow trot, and then a walk, after a mile of which we crept up to +the outside of a large town. There was no nse in losing time in asking +questions; so I seized my carpet-bag, and jumped out, and, resisting all +the offers of the idle vagabonds to carry my luggage, I forced my way +through the crowd, and set out in search of my family. I soon got into +an intricate web of narrow streets, with shops full of wooden shoes, +pipes, and blankets of all the colors of the rainbow; and after walking +for about three-quarters of an hour, began to doubt whether I was not +traversing the same identical streets,--or was it that they were only +brothers? 'Where's the Boulevard?' thought I, 'this beautiful place +they have been telling me of, with houses on one side, and trees on the +other; I can see nothing like it;' and so I sat down on my carpet-bag, +and began to ruminate on my situation. + +"'Well, this will never do,' said I, at last; 'I must try and ask for +the Boulevard de Regent.' I suppose it was my bad accent that amused +them, for every fellow I stopped put on a broad grin: some pointed this +way, and some pointed that; but they all thought it a high joke. I spent +an hour in this fashion, and then gave up the pursuit. My next thought +was the hotel where my family had stopped on their arrival, which I +found, on examining my notes, was called the 'Hotel de Suede.' Here I +was more lucky,--every one knew that; and after traversing a couple of +streets, I found myself at the door of a great roomy inn, with a door +like a coach-house gate. 'There is no doubt about this,' said I; for the +words 'Hotel de Suede' were written up in big letters. I made signs for +something to eat, for I was starving; but before my pantomime was well +begun, the whole household set off in search of a waiter who could speak +English. + +"'Ha! ha!' said a fellow with an impudent leer, 'roa bif, eh?' + +"I did not know whether it was meant for me, or the bill of fare, but +I said 'Yes, and potatoes;' but before I let him go in search of the +dinner, I thought I would ask him a few words about my family, who had +stopped at the hotel for three weeks. + +"'Do you know Mrs. Blake,' said I, 'of Castle Blake?' + +"'Yees, yees, I know her very veil.' + +"'She was here about six months ago.' + +"'Yees, yees; she vas here sex months.' + +"'No; not for six months,--three weeks.' + +"'Yees; all de same.' + +"'Did you see her lately?' + +"'Yees, dis mornin'.' + +"'This morning! was she here this morning?' + +"'Yees; she come here vith a captain of Cuirassiers--ah! droll fellow +dat!' + +"'That's a lie anyhow,' said I, 'my young gentleman;' and with that I +planted my fist between his eyes, and laid him flat on the floor. Upon +my conscience you would have thought it was murder I had done; never +was there such yelling, and screaming, and calling for the police, and +Heaven knows what besides; and sure enough, they marched me off between +a file of soldiers to a place like a guard-room, where, whatever the +fellow swore against me, it cost me a five-pound note before I got free. + +"'Keep a civil tongue in your head, young man, about Mrs. Blake, anyway; +for by the hill of Maam, if I hear a word about the Cuirassier, I'll not +leave a whole bone in your skin.' + +"Well, sir, I got a roast chicken, and a dish of water-cress, and I got +into a bed about four feet six long; and what between the fleas and the +nightmare, I had n't a pleasant time of it till morning. + +"After breakfast I opened my map of Brussels, and, sending for the +landlord, bid him point with his finger to the place I was in. He soon +understood my meaning; but, taking me by the arm, he led me to the wall, +on which was a large map of Belgium, and then, my jewell what do you +think I discovered? It was not in Brussels I was at all, but in Louvain! +seventeen miles on the other side of it! Well, there was nothing for it +now but to go back; so I paid my bill and set off down to the station. +In half an hour the train came up, and when they asked me where I was +going, I repeated the word 'Brussels' several times over. This did +not seem to satisfy them; and they said something about my being an +Englishman. + +"'Yes, yes,' said I, 'Angleterre, Angleterre.' + +"'Ah, Angleterre!' said one, who looked shrewder than the rest; and as +if at once comprehending my intentions, he assisted me into a carriage, +and, politely taking off his hat, made me a salute at parting, adding +something about a 'voyage.' 'Well, he 'll be a cunning fellow that sees +me leave this train till it comes to its destination,' said I; 'I'll +not be shoved out by any confounded guard, as I was yesterday.' My +resolution was not taken in vain, for just at the very place I got +out, on the day before, a fellow came, and began making signs for me to +change to another train. + +"'I'll tell you what,' says I, laying hold of my cotton umbrella at the +same moment, 'I 'll make a Belgian of you, if you will not let me alone. +Out of this place I 'll not budge for King Leopold himself.' + +"And though he looked very savage for a few minutes, the way I handled +my weapon satisfied him that I was not joking, and he gave it up for a +bad job, and left me at peace. The other passengers said something, I +suppose, in explanation. + +"'Yes,' said I, 'I 'm an Englishman, or an Irishman,--It's all +one,--Angleterre.' + +"'Ah, Angleterre!' said three or four in a breath; and the words seemed +to act like a charm upon them, for whatever I did seemed all fair and +reasonable now. I kept a sharp look-out for Brussels; but hour after +hour slipped past, and though we passed several large towns, there was +no sign of it. After six hours' travelling, an old gentleman pulled out +his watch, and made signs to me that we should be in in less than ten +minutes more; and so we were, and a droll-looking place it was,--a town +built in a hole, with clay ditches all round it, to keep out the sea. + +"'My wife never said a word about this,' said I; 'she used to say Castle +Blake was damp, but this place beats it hollow. Where's the Boulevards?' +said I. + +"And a fellow pointed to a sod bank, where a sentry was on guard. + +"'If it's a joke you 're making me,' said I, 'you mistake your man; 'and +I aimed a blow at him with my umbrella, that sent him running down the +street as fast as his wooden slippers would let him. + +"'It ought to be cheap here, anyhow,' said I. 'Faith, I think a body +ought to be paid for living in it; but how will I find out _the_ +family!' + +"I was two hours walking through this cursed hole, always coming back +to a big square, with a fish-market, no matter which way I turned; for +devil a one could tell me a word about Mrs. Blake or Mrs. Fitz. either. + +"'Is there a hotel?' said I; and the moment I said the word, a dozen +fellows were dragging me here and there, till I had to leave two or +three of them sprawling with my umbrella, and give myself up to the +guidance of one of the number. Well, the end of it was--if I passed the +last night at Louvain, the present I was destined to pass at Ostend! + +"I left this mud town, by the early train, next morning; and having +altered my tactics, determined now to be guided by any one who would +take the trouble to direct me,--neither resisting nor opposing. To be +brief, for my story has grown too lengthy, I changed carriages four +times, at each place there being a row among the bystanders which party +should decide my destination,--the excitement once running so high that +I lost one skirt of my coat, and had my cravat pulled off; and the +end of this was that I arrived, at four in the afternoon, at Liege, +sixty-odd miles beyond Brussels! for, somehow, these intelligent people +have contrived to make their railroads all converge to one small town +called 'Malines:' so that you may--as was my case--pass within twelve +miles of Brussels every day, and yet never set eyes on it. + +[Illustration: 644] + +"I was now so fatigued by travelling, so wearied by anxiety and fever, +that I kept my bed the whole of the following day, dreaming, whenever I +did sleep, of everlasting railroads, and starting put of my slumbers to +wonder if I should ever see my family again. I set out once more, and +for the last time,--my mind being made up, that if I failed now, I 'd +take up my abode wherever chance might drop me, and write to my wife to +come and look for me. The bright thought flashed on me, as I watched the +man in the baggage office labelling the baggage, and, seizing one of +the gummed labels marked 'Bruxelles,' I took off my coat, and stuck +it between the shoulders. This done, I resumed my garment, and took my +place. + +"The plan succeeded; the only inconvenience I sustained being the +necessity I was under of showing my way-bill whenever they questioned +me, and making a pirouette to the company,--a performance that kept +the passengers in broad grins for the whole day's journey. So you see, +gentlemen, they may talk as they please about the line from Antwerp to +Brussels, and the time being only one hour fifteen minutes; but take +my word for it, that even--if you don't take a day's rest--it's a good +three days' and a half, and costs eighty-five francs, and some coppers +besides." + +"The economy of the Continent, then, did not fulfil your expectations?" + +"Economy is it?" echoed Mr. Blake, with a groan; "for the matter of +that, my dear, it was like my own journey,--a mighty roundabout way of +gaining your object, and"--here he sighed heavily--"nothing to boast of +when you got it." + +[Illustration: Last Drawing] + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Tales Of The Trains, by Charles James Lever + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TALES OF THE TRAINS *** + +***** This file should be named 34884.txt or 34884.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/8/8/34884/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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