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diff --git a/3484.txt b/3484.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f091bb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/3484.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1402 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of O'Flaherty V. C., by George Bernard Shaw + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: O'Flaherty V. C. + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Posting Date: February 15, 2009 [EBook #3484] +Release Date: October, 2002 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK O'FLAHERTY V. C. *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol + + + + + +O'FLAHERTY V.C.: A RECRUITING PAMPHLET + + +By George Bernard Shaw + + + +It may surprise some people to learn that in 1915 this little play was +a recruiting poster in disguise. The British officer seldom likes Irish +soldiers; but he always tries to have a certain proportion of them in +his battalion, because, partly from a want of common sense which leads +them to value their lives less than Englishmen do [lives are really +less worth living in a poor country], and partly because even the most +cowardly Irishman feels obliged to outdo an Englishman in bravery if +possible, and at least to set a perilous pace for him, Irish soldiers +give impetus to those military operations which require for their +spirited execution more devilment than prudence. + +Unfortunately, Irish recruiting was badly bungled in 1915. The Irish +were for the most part Roman Catholics and loyal Irishmen, which means +that from the English point of view they were heretics and rebels. But +they were willing enough to go soldiering on the side of France and +see the world outside Ireland, which is a dull place to live in. It was +quite easy to enlist them by approaching them from their own point of +view. But the War Office insisted on approaching them from the point of +view of Dublin Castle. They were discouraged and repulsed by refusals to +give commissions to Roman Catholic officers, or to allow distinct +Irish units to be formed. To attract them, the walls were covered with +placards headed REMEMBER BELGIUM. The folly of asking an Irishman to +remember anything when you want him to fight for England was apparent to +everyone outside the Castle: FORGET AND FORGIVE would have been more +to the point. Remembering Belgium and its broken treaty led Irishmen to +remember Limerick and its broken treaty; and the recruiting ended in +a rebellion, in suppressing which the British artillery quite +unnecessarily reduced the centre of Dublin to ruins, and the British +commanders killed their leading prisoners of war in cold blood morning +after morning with an effect of long-drawn-out ferocity. Really it was +only the usual childish petulance in which John Bull does things in a +week that disgrace him for a century, though he soon recovers his good +humor, and cannot understand why the survivors of his wrath do not feel +as jolly with him as he does with them. On the smouldering ruins of +Dublin the appeals to remember Louvain were presently supplemented by a +fresh appeal. IRISHMEN, DO YOU WISH TO HAVE THE HORRORS OF WAR BROUGHT +TO YOUR OWN HEARTHS AND HOMES? Dublin laughed sourly. + +As for me I addressed myself quite simply to the business of obtaining +recruits. I knew by personal experience and observation what anyone +might have inferred from the records of Irish emigration, that all an +Irishman's hopes and ambitions turn on his opportunities of getting out +of Ireland. Stimulate his loyalty, and he will stay in Ireland and +die for her; for, incomprehensible as it seems to an Englishman, Irish +patriotism does not take the form of devotion to England and England's +king. Appeal to his discontent, his deadly boredom, his thwarted +curiosity and desire for change and adventure, and, to escape from +Ireland, he will go abroad to risk his life for France, for the Papal +States, for secession in America, and even, if no better may be, for +England. Knowing that the ignorance and insularity of the Irishman is a +danger to himself and to his neighbors, I had no scruple in making that +appeal when there was something for him to fight which the whole world +had to fight unless it meant to come under the jack boot of the German +version of Dublin Castle. + +There was another consideration, unmentionable by the recruiting +sergeants and war orators, which must nevertheless have helped them +powerfully in procuring soldiers by voluntary enlistment. The happy home +of the idealist may become common under millennial conditions. It is not +common at present. No one will ever know how many men joined the army +in 1914 and 1915 to escape from tyrants and taskmasters, termagants +and shrews, none of whom are any the less irksome when they happen +by ill-luck to be also our fathers, our mothers, our wives and our +children. Even at their amiablest, a holiday from them may be a tempting +change for all parties. That is why I did not endow O'Flaherty V.C. with +an ideal Irish colleen for his sweetheart, and gave him for his mother a +Volumnia of the potato patch rather than a affectionate parent from whom +he could not so easily have torn himself away. + +I need hardly say that a play thus carefully adapted to its purpose was +voted utterly inadmissible; and in due course the British Government, +frightened out of its wits for the moment by the rout of the Fifth Army, +ordained Irish Conscription, and then did not dare to go through with +it. I still think my own line was the more businesslike. But during the +war everyone except the soldiers at the front imagined that nothing +but an extreme assertion of our most passionate prejudices, without the +smallest regard to their effect on others, could win the war. Finally +the British blockade won the war; but the wonder is that the British +blockhead did not lose it. I suppose the enemy was no wiser. War is not +a sharpener of wits; and I am afraid I gave great offence by keeping my +head in this matter of Irish recruiting. What can I do but apologize, +and publish the play now that it can no longer do any good? + + + + +O'FLAHERTY V.C. + +At the door of an Irish country house in a park. Fine, summer weather; +the summer of 1916. The porch, painted white, projects into the drive: +but the door is at the side and the front has a window. The porch faces +east: and the door is in the north side of it. On the south side is a +tree in which a thrush is singing. Under the window is a garden seat +with an iron chair at each end of it. + +The last four bars of God Save the King are heard in the distance, +followed by three cheers. Then the band strikes up It's a Long Way to +Tipperary and recedes until it is out of hearing. + +Private O'Flaherty V.C. comes wearily southward along the drive, and +falls exhausted into the garden seat. The thrush utters a note of alarm +and flies away. The tramp of a horse is heard. + +A GENTLEMAN'S VOICE. Tim! Hi! Tim! [He is heard dismounting.] + +A LABORER'S VOICE. Yes, your honor. + +THE GENTLEMAN'S VOICE. Take this horse to the stables, will you? + +A LABORER'S VOICE. Right, your honor. Yup there. Gwan now. Gwan. [The +horse is led away.] + +General Sir Pearce Madigan, an elderly baronet in khaki, beaming with +enthusiasm, arrives. O'Flaherty rises and stands at attention. + +SIR PEARCE. No, no, O'Flaherty: none of that now. You're off duty. +Remember that though I am a general of forty years service, that little +Cross of yours gives you a higher rank in the roll of glory than I can +pretend to. + +O'FLAHERTY [relaxing]. I'm thankful to you, Sir Pearce; but I wouldn't +have anyone think that the baronet of my native place would let a common +soldier like me sit down in his presence without leave. + +SIR PEARCE. Well, you're not a common soldier, O'Flaherty: you're a very +uncommon one; and I'm proud to have you for my guest here today. + +O'FLAHERTY. Sure I know, sir. You have to put up with a lot from the +like of me for the sake of the recruiting. All the quality shakes hands +with me and says they're proud to know me, just the way the king said +when he pinned the Cross on me. And it's as true as I'm standing here, +sir, the queen said to me: "I hear you were born on the estate of +General Madigan," she says; "and the General himself tells me you +were always a fine young fellow." "Bedad, Mam," I says to her, "if +the General knew all the rabbits I snared on him, and all the salmon +I snatched on him, and all the cows I milked on him, he'd think me the +finest ornament for the county jail he ever sent there for poaching." + +SIR PEARCE [Laughing]. You're welcome to them all, my lad. Come [he +makes him sit down again on the garden seat]! sit down and enjoy your +holiday [he sits down on one of the iron chairs; the one at the doorless +side of the porch.] + +O'FLAHERTY. Holiday, is it? I'd give five shillings to be back in the +trenches for the sake of a little rest and quiet. I never knew what hard +work was till I took to recruiting. What with the standing on my legs +all day, and the shaking hands, and the making speeches, and--what's +worse--the listening to them and the calling for cheers for king and +country, and the saluting the flag till I'm stiff with it, and the +listening to them playing God Save the King and Tipperary, and the +trying to make my eyes look moist like a man in a picture book, I'm that +bet that I hardly get a wink of sleep. I give you my word, Sir Pearce, +that I never heard the tune of Tipperary in my life till I came back +from Flanders; and already it's drove me to that pitch of tiredness +of it that when a poor little innocent slip of a boy in the street the +other night drew himself up and saluted and began whistling it at me, I +clouted his head for him, God forgive me. + +SIR PEARCE [soothingly]. Yes, yes: I know. I know. One does get fed up +with it: I've been dog tired myself on parade many a time. But still, +you know, there's a gratifying side to it, too. After all, he is our +king; and it's our own country, isn't it? + +O'FLAHERTY. Well, sir, to you that have an estate in it, it would feel +like your country. But the divil a perch of it ever I owned. And as to +the king: God help him, my mother would have taken the skin off my back +if I'd ever let on to have any other king than Parnell. + +SIR PEARCE [rising, painfully shocked]. Your mother! What are you +dreaming about, O'Flaherty? A most loyal woman. Always most loyal. +Whenever there is an illness in the Royal Family, she asks me every +time we meet about the health of the patient as anxiously as if it were +yourself, her only son. + +O'FLAHERTY. Well, she's my mother; and I won't utter a word agen her. +But I'm not saying a word of lie when I tell you that that old woman is +the biggest kanatt from here to the cross of Monasterboice. Sure she's +the wildest Fenian and rebel, and always has been, that ever taught a +poor innocent lad like myself to pray night and morning to St Patrick +to clear the English out of Ireland the same as he cleared the snakes. +You'll be surprised at my telling you that now, maybe, Sir Pearce? + +SIR PEARCE [unable to keep still, walking away from O'Flaherty]. +Surprised! I'm more than surprised, O'Flaherty. I'm overwhelmed. +[Turning and facing him.] Are you--are you joking? + +O'FLAHERTY. If you'd been brought up by my mother, sir, you'd know +better than to joke about her. What I'm telling you is the truth; and I +wouldn't tell it to you if I could see my way to get out of the fix I'll +be in when my mother comes here this day to see her boy in his glory, +and she after thinking all the time it was against the English I was +fighting. + +SIR PEARCE. Do you mean to say you told her such a monstrous falsehood +as that you were fighting in the German army? + +O'FLAHERTY. I never told her one word that wasn't the truth and nothing +but the truth. I told her I was going to fight for the French and for +the Russians; and sure who ever heard of the French or the Russians +doing anything to the English but fighting them? That was how it was, +sir. And sure the poor woman kissed me and went about the house singing +in her old cracky voice that the French was on the sea, and they'd be +here without delay, and the Orange will decay, says the Shan Van Vocht. + +SIR PEARCE [sitting down again, exhausted by his feelings]. Well, I +never could have believed this. Never. What do you suppose will happen +when she finds out? + +O'FLAHERTY. She mustn't find out. It's not that she'd half kill me, as +big as I am and as brave as I am. It's that I'm fond of her, and can't +bring myself to break the heart in her. You may think it queer that a +man should be fond of his mother, sir, and she having bet him from the +time he could feel to the time she was too slow to ketch him; but I'm +fond of her; and I'm not ashamed of it. Besides, didn't she win the +Cross for me? + +SIR PEARCE. Your mother! How? + +O'FLAHERTY. By bringing me up to be more afraid of running away than of +fighting. I was timid by nature; and when the other boys hurted me, I'd +want to run away and cry. But she whaled me for disgracing the blood of +the O'Flahertys until I'd have fought the divil himself sooner than face +her after funking a fight. That was how I got to know that fighting was +easier than it looked, and that the others was as much afeard of me as +I was of them, and that if I only held out long enough they'd lose heart +and give rip. That's the way I came to be so courageous. I tell you, Sir +Pearce, if the German army had been brought up by my mother, the Kaiser +would be dining in the banqueting hall at Buckingham Palace this day, +and King George polishing his jack boots for him in the scullery. + +SIR PEARCE. But I don't like this, O'Flaherty. You can't go on deceiving +your mother, you know. It's not right. + +O'FLAHERTY. Can't go on deceiving her, can't I? It's little you know +what a son's love can do, sir. Did you ever notice what a ready liar I +am? + +SIR PEARCE. Well, in recruiting a man gets carried away. I stretch it +a bit occasionally myself. After all, it's for king and country. But if +you won't mind my saying it, O'Flaherty, I think that story about +your fighting the Kaiser and the twelve giants of the Prussian guard +singlehanded would be the better for a little toning down. I don't ask +you to drop it, you know; for it's popular, undoubtedly; but still, the +truth is the truth. Don't you think it would fetch in almost as many +recruits if you reduced the number of guardsmen to six? + +O'FLAHERTY. You're not used to telling lies like I am, sir. I got great +practice at home with my mother. What with saving my skin when I was +young and thoughtless, and sparing her feelings when I was old enough to +understand them, I've hardly told my mother the truth twice a year since +I was born; and would you have me turn round on her and tell it now, +when she's looking to have some peace and quiet in her old age? + +SIR PEARCE [troubled in his conscience]. Well, it's not my affair, of +course, O'Flaherty. But hadn't you better talk to Father Quinlan about +it? + +O'FLAHERTY. Talk to Father Quinlan, is it! Do you know what Father +Quinlan says to me this very morning? + +SIR PEARCE. Oh, you've seen him already, have you? What did he say? + +O'FLAHERTY. He says "You know, don't you," he says, "that it's your +duty, as a Christian and a good son of the Holy Church, to love your +enemies?" he says. "I know it's my juty as a soldier to kill them," I +says. "That's right, Dinny," he says: "quite right. But," says he, "you +can kill them and do them a good turn afterward to show your love for +them" he says; "and it's your duty to have a mass said for the souls of +the hundreds of Germans you say you killed," says he; "for many and many +of them were Bavarians and good Catholics," he says. "Is it me that must +pay for masses for the souls of the Boshes?" I says. "Let the King of +England pay for them," I says; "for it was his quarrel and not mine." + +SIR PEARCE [warmly]. It is the quarrel of every honest man and true +patriot, O'Flaherty. Your mother must see that as clearly as I do. +After all, she is a reasonable, well disposed woman, quite capable of +understanding the right and the wrong of the war. Why can't you explain +to her what the war is about? + +O'FLAHERTY. Arra, sir, how the divil do I know what the war is about? + +SIR PEARCE [rising again and standing over him]. What! O'Flaherty: do +you know what you are saying? You sit there wearing the Victoria Cross +for having killed God knows how many Germans; and you tell me you don't +know why you did it! + +O'FLAHERTY. Asking your pardon, Sir Pearce, I tell you no such thing. I +know quite well why I kilt them, because I was afeard that, if I didn't, +they'd kill me. + +SIR PEARCE [giving it up, and sitting down again]. Yes, yes, of course; +but have you no knowledge of the causes of the war? of the interests +at stake? of the importance--I may almost say--in fact I will say--the +sacred right for which we are fighting? Don't you read the papers? + +O'FLAHERTY. I do when I can get them. There's not many newsboys crying +the evening paper in the trenches. They do say, Sir Pearce, that +we shall never beat the Boshes until we make Horatio Bottomley Lord +Leftnant of England. Do you think that's true, sir? + +SIR PEARCE. Rubbish, man! there's no Lord Lieutenant in England: the +king is Lord Lieutenant. It's a simple question of patriotism. Does +patriotism mean nothing to you? + +O'FLAHERTY. It means different to me than what it would to you, sir. It +means England and England's king to you. To me and the like of me, it +means talking about the English just the way the English papers talk +about the Boshes. And what good has it ever done here in Ireland? It's +kept me ignorant because it filled up my mother's mind, and she thought +it ought to fill up mine too. It's kept Ireland poor, because instead +of trying to better ourselves we thought we was the fine fellows of +patriots when we were speaking evil of Englishmen that was as poor as +ourselves and maybe as good as ourselves. The Boshes I kilt was more +knowledgable men than me; and what better am I now that I've kilt them? +What better is anybody? + +SIR PEARCE [huffed, turning a cold shoulder to him]. I am sorry the +terrible experience of this war--the greatest war ever fought--has +taught you no better, O'Flaherty. + +O'FLAHERTY [preserving his dignity]. I don't know about it's being a +great war, sir. It's a big war; but that's not the same thing. Father +Quinlan's new church is a big church: you might take the little old +chapel out of the middle of it and not miss it. But my mother says there +was more true religion in the old chapel. And the war has taught me that +maybe she was right. + +SIR PEARCE [grunts sulkily]!! + +O'FLAHERTY [respectfully but doggedly]. And there's another thing it's +taught me too, sir, that concerns you and me, if I may make bold to tell +it to you. + +SIR PEARCE [still sulky]. I hope it's nothing you oughtn't to say to me, +O'Flaherty. + +O'FLAHERTY. It's this, sir: that I'm able to sit here now and talk to +you without humbugging you; and that's what not one of your tenants or +your tenants' childer ever did to you before in all your long life. It's +a true respect I'm showing you at last, sir. Maybe you'd rather have me +humbug you and tell you lies as I used, just as the boys here, God help +them, would rather have me tell them how I fought the Kaiser, that all +the world knows I never saw in my life, than tell them the truth. But +I can't take advantage of you the way I used, not even if I seem to be +wanting in respect to you and cocked up by winning the Cross. + +SIR PEARCE [touched]. Not at all, O'Flaherty. Not at all. + +O'FLAHERTY. Sure what's the Cross to me, barring the little pension it +carries? Do you think I don't know that there's hundreds of men as brave +as me that never had the luck to get anything for their bravery but a +curse from the sergeant, and the blame for the faults of them that ought +to have been their betters? I've learnt more than you'd think, sir; +for how would a gentleman like you know what a poor ignorant conceited +creature I was when I went from here into the wide world as a soldier? +What use is all the lying, and pretending, and humbugging, and letting +on, when the day comes to you that your comrade is killed in the trench +beside you, and you don't as much as look round at him until you trip +over his poor body, and then all you say is to ask why the hell the +stretcher-bearers don't take it out of the way. Why should I read the +papers to be humbugged and lied to by them that had the cunning to +stay at home and send me to fight for them? Don't talk to me or to any +soldier of the war being right. No war is right; and all the holy water +that Father Quinlan ever blessed couldn't make one right. There, sir! +Now you know what O'Flaherty V.C. thinks; and you're wiser so than the +others that only knows what he done. + +SIR PEARCE [making the best of it, and turning goodhumoredly to him +again]. Well, what you did was brave and manly, anyhow. + +O'FLAHERTY. God knows whether it was or not, better than you nor me, +General. I hope He won't be too hard on me for it, anyhow. + +SIR PEARCE [sympathetically]. Oh yes: we all have to think seriously +sometimes, especially when we're a little run down. I'm afraid we've +been overworking you a bit over these recruiting meetings. However, we +can knock off for the rest of the day; and tomorrow's Sunday. I've +had about as much as I can stand myself. [He looks at his watch.] It's +teatime. I wonder what's keeping your mother. + +O'FLAHERTY. It's nicely cocked up the old woman will be having tea at +the same table as you, sir, instead of in the kitchen. She'll be after +dressing in the heighth of grandeur; and stop she will at every house +on the way to show herself off and tell them where she's going, and fill +the whole parish with spite and envy. But sure, she shouldn't keep you +waiting, sir. + +SIR PEARCE. Oh, that's all right: she must be indulged on an occasion +like this. I'm sorry my wife is in London: she'd have been glad to +welcome your mother. + +O'FLAHERTY. Sure, I know she would, sir. She was always a kind friend to +the poor. Little her ladyship knew, God help her, the depth of divilment +that was in us: we were like a play to her. You see, sir, she was +English: that was how it was. We was to her what the Pathans and +Senegalese was to me when I first seen them: I couldn't think, somehow, +that they were liars, and thieves, and backbiters, and drunkards, just +like ourselves or any other Christians. Oh, her ladyship never knew all +that was going on behind her back: how would she? When I was a weeshy +child, she gave me the first penny I ever had in my hand; and I wanted +to pray for her conversion that night the same as my mother made me pray +for yours; and-- + +SIR PEARCE [scandalized]. Do you mean to say that your mother made you +pray for MY conversion? + +O'FLAHERTY. Sure and she wouldn't want to see a gentleman like you going +to hell after she nursing your own son and bringing up my sister Annie +on the bottle. That was how it was, sir. She'd rob you; and she'd lie to +you; and she'd call down all the blessings of God on your head when she +was selling you your own three geese that you thought had been ate by +the fox the day after you'd finished fattening them, sir; and all the +time you were like a bit of her own flesh and blood to her. Often has +she said she'd live to see you a good Catholic yet, leading victorious +armies against the English and wearing the collar of gold that Malachi +won from the proud invader. Oh, she's the romantic woman is my mother, +and no mistake. + +SIR PEARCE [in great perturbation]. I really can't believe this, +O'Flaherty. I could have sworn your mother was as honest a woman as ever +breathed. + +O'FLAHERTY. And so she is, sir. She's as honest as the day. + +SIR PEARCE. Do you call it honest to steal my geese? + +O'FLAHERTY. She didn't steal them, sir. It was me that stole them. + +SIR PEARCE. Oh! And why the devil did you steal them? + +O'FLAHERTY. Sure we needed them, sir. Often and often we had to sell our +own geese to pay you the rent to satisfy your needs; and why shouldn't +we sell your geese to satisfy ours? + +SIR PEARCE. Well, damn me! + +O'FLAHERTY [sweetly]. Sure you had to get what you could out of us; and +we had to get what we could out of you. God forgive us both! + +SIR PEARCE. Really, O'Flaherty, the war seems to have upset you a +little. + +O'FLAHERTY. It's set me thinking, sir; and I'm not used to it. It's like +the patriotism of the English. They never thought of being patriotic +until the war broke out; and now the patriotism has took them so +sudden and come so strange to them that they run about like frightened +chickens, uttering all manner of nonsense. But please God they'll forget +all about it when the war's over. They're getting tired of it already. + +SIR PEARCE. No, no: it has uplifted us all in a wonderful way. The world +will never be the same again, O'Flaherty. Not after a war like this. + +O'FLAHERTY. So they all say, sir. I see no great differ myself. It's all +the fright and the excitement; and when that quiets down they'll go +back to their natural divilment and be the same as ever. It's like the +vermin: it'll wash off after a while. + +SIR PEARCE [rising and planting himself firmly behind the garden seat]. +Well, the long and the short of it is, O'Flaherty, I must decline to be +a party to any attempt to deceive your mother. I thoroughly disapprove +of this feeling against the English, especially at a moment like the +present. Even if your mother's political sympathies are really what you +represent them to be, I should think that her gratitude to Gladstone +ought to cure her of such disloyal prejudices. + +O'FLAHERTY [over his shoulder]. She says Gladstone was an Irishman, Sir. +What call would he have to meddle with Ireland as he did if he wasn't? + +SIR PEARCE. What nonsense! Does she suppose Mr Asquith is an Irishman? + +O'FLAHERTY. She won't give him any credit for Home Rule, Sir. She says +Redmond made him do it. She says you told her so. + +SIR PEARCE [convicted out of his own mouth]. Well, I never meant her to +take it up in that ridiculous way. [He moves to the end of the garden +seat on O'Flaherty's left.] I'll give her a good talking to when she +comes. I'm not going to stand any of her nonsense. + +O'FLAHERTY. It's not a bit of use, sir. She says all the English +generals is Irish. She says all the English poets and great men was +Irish. She says the English never knew how to read their own books until +we taught them. She says we're the lost tribes of the house of Israel +and the chosen people of God. She says that the goddess Venus, that was +born out of the foam of the sea, came up out of the water in Killiney +Bay off Bray Head. She says that Moses built the seven churches, and +that Lazarus was buried in Glasnevin. + +SIR PEARCE. Bosh! How does she know he was? Did you ever ask her? + +O'FLAHERTY. I did, sir, often. + +SIR PEARCE. And what did she say? + +O'FLAHERTY. She asked me how did I know he wasn't, and fetched me a +clout on the side of my head. + +SIR PEARCE. But have you never mentioned any famous Englishman to her, +and asked her what she had to say about him? + +O'FLAHERTY. The only one I could think of was Shakespeare, sir; and she +says he was born in Cork. + +SIR PEARCE [exhausted]. Well, I give it up [he throws himself into the +nearest chair]. The woman is--Oh, well! No matter. + +O'FLAHERTY [sympathetically]. Yes, sir: she's pigheaded and obstinate: +there's no doubt about it. She's like the English: they think there's +no one like themselves. It's the same with the Germans, though they're +educated and ought to know better. You'll never have a quiet world till +you knock the patriotism out of the human race. + +SIR PEARCE. Still, we-- + +O'FLAHERTY. Whisht, sir, for God's sake: here she is. + +The General jumps up. Mrs. O'Flaherty arrives and comes between the +two men. She is very clean, and carefully dressed in the old fashioned +peasant costume; black silk sunbonnet with a tiara of trimmings, and +black cloak. + +O'FLAHERTY [rising shyly]. Good evening, mother. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [severely]. You hold your whisht, and learn behavior +while I pay my juty to his honor. [To Sir Pearce, heartily.] And how +is your honor's good self? And how is her ladyship and all the young +ladies? Oh, it's right glad we are to see your honor back again and +looking the picture of health. + +SIR PEARCE [forcing a note of extreme geniality]. Thank you, Mrs +O'Flaherty. Well, you see we've brought you back your son safe and +sound. I hope you're proud of him. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. And indeed and I am, your honor. It's the brave boy he +is; and why wouldn't he be, brought up on your honor's estate and with +you before his eyes for a pattern of the finest soldier in Ireland. +Come and kiss your old mother, Dinny darlint. [O'Flaherty does so +sheepishly.] That's my own darling boy. And look at your fine new +uniform stained already with the eggs you've been eating and the porter +you've been drinking. [She takes out her handkerchief: spits on it: and +scrubs his lapel with it.] Oh, it's the untidy slovenly one you always +were. There! It won't be seen on the khaki: it's not like the old red +coat that would show up everything that dribbled down on it. [To Sir +Pearce.] And they tell me down at the lodge that her ladyship is +staying in London, and that Miss Agnes is to be married to a fine young +nobleman. Oh, it's your honor that is the lucky and happy father! It +will be bad news for many of the young gentlemen of the quality round +here, sir. There's lots thought she was going to marry young Master +Lawless + +SIR PEARCE. What! That--that--that bosthoon! + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [hilariously]. Let your honor alone for finding the right +word! A big bosthoon he is indeed, your honor. Oh, to think of the times +and times I have said that Miss Agnes would be my lady as her mother was +before her! Didn't I, Dinny? + +SIR PEARCE. And now, Mrs. O'Flaherty, I daresay you have a great deal to +say to Dennis that doesn't concern me. I'll just go in and order tea. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Oh, why would your honor disturb yourself? Sure I can +take the boy into the yard. + +SIR PEARCE. Not at all. It won't disturb me in the least. And he's too +big a boy to be taken into the yard now. He has made a front seat for +himself. Eh? [He goes into the house.] + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Sure he has that, your honor. God bless your honor! [The +General being now out of hearing, she turns threateningly to her +son with one of those sudden Irish changes of manner which amaze and +scandalize less flexible nations, and exclaims.] And what do you mean, +you lying young scald, by telling me you were going to fight agen the +English? Did you take me for a fool that couldn't find out, and the +papers all full of you shaking hands with the English king at Buckingham +Palace? + +O'FLAHERTY. I didn't shake hands with him: he shook hands with me. Could +I turn on the man in his own house, before his own wife, with his money +in my pocket and in yours, and throw his civility back in his face? + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. You would take the hand of a tyrant red with the blood +of Ireland-- + +O'FLAHERTY. Arra hold your nonsense, mother: he's not half the tyrant +you are, God help him. His hand was cleaner than mine that had the blood +of his own relations on it, maybe. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [threateningly]. Is that a way to speak to your mother, +you young spalpeen? + +O'FLAHERTY [stoutly]. It is so, if you won't talk sense to me. It's a +nice thing for a poor boy to be made much of by kings and queens, and +shook hands with by the heighth of his country's nobility in the capital +cities of the world, and then to come home and be scolded and insulted +by his own mother. I'll fight for who I like; and I'll shake hands with +what kings I like; and if your own son is not good enough for you, you +can go and look for another. Do you mind me now? + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. And was it the Belgians learned you such brazen +impudence? + +O'FLAHERTY. The Belgians is good men; and the French ought to be more +civil to them, let alone their being half murdered by the Boshes. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Good men is it! Good men! to come over here when they +were wounded because it was a Catholic country, and then to go to the +Protestant Church because it didn't cost them anything, and some of them +to never go near a church at all. That's what you call good men! + +O'FLAHERTY. Oh, you're the mighty fine politician, aren't you? Much you +know about Belgians or foreign parts or the world you're living in, God +help you! + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Why wouldn't I know better than you? Amment I your +mother? + +O'FLAHERTY. And if you are itself, how can you know what you never seen +as well as me that was dug into the continent of Europe for six months, +and was buried in the earth of it three times with the shells bursting +on the top of me? I tell you I know what I'm about. I have my own +reasons for taking part in this great conflict. I'd be ashamed to stay +at home and not fight when everybody else is fighting. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. If you wanted to fight, why couldn't you fight in the +German army? + +O'FLAHERTY. Because they only get a penny a day. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Well, and if they do itself, isn't there the French +army? + +O'FLAHERTY. They only get a hapenny a day. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [much dashed]. Oh murder! They must be a mean lot, Dinny. + +O'FLAHERTY [sarcastic]. Maybe you'd have me in the Turkish army, and +worship the heathen Mahomet that put a corn in his ear and pretended it +was a message from the heavens when the pigeon come to pick it out and +eat it. I went where I could get the biggest allowance for you; and +little thanks I get for it! + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Allowance, is it! Do you know what the thieving +blackguards did on me? They came to me and they says, "Was your son a +big eater?" they says. "Oh, he was that," says I: "ten shillings a week +wouldn't keep him." Sure I thought the more I said the more they'd give +me. "Then," says they, "that's ten shillings a week off your allowance," +they says, "because you save that by the king feeding him." "Indeed!" +says I: "I suppose if I'd six sons, you'd stop three pound a week from +me, and make out that I ought to pay you money instead of you paying +me." "There's a fallacy in your argument," they says. + +O'FLAHERTY. A what? + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. A fallacy: that's the word he said. I says to him, "It's +a Pharisee I'm thinking you mean, sir; but you can keep your dirty money +that your king grudges a poor old widow; and please God the English will +be got yet for the deadly sin of oppressing the poor;" and with that I +shut the door in his face. + +O'FLAHERTY [furious]. Do you tell me they knocked ten shillings off you +for my keep? + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [soothing him]. No, darlint: they only knocked off half +a crown. I put up with it because I've got the old age pension; and they +know very well I'm only sixty-two; so I've the better of them by half a +crown a week anyhow. + +O'FLAHERTY. It's a queer way of doing business. If they'd tell you +straight out what they was going to give you, you wouldn't mind; but if +there was twenty ways of telling the truth and only one way of telling a +lie, the Government would find it out. It's in the nature of governments +to tell lies. + +Teresa Driscoll, a parlor maid, comes from the house, + +TERESA. You're to come up to the drawing-room to have your tea, Mrs. +O'Flaherty. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Mind you have a sup of good black tea for me in the +kitchen afterwards, acushla. That washy drawing-room tea will give me +the wind if I leave it on my stomach. [She goes into the house, leaving +the two young people alone together.] + +O'FLAHERTY. Is that yourself, Tessie? And how are you? + +TERESA. Nicely, thank you. And how's yourself? + +O'FLAHERTY. Finely, thank God. [He produces a gold chain.] Look what +I've brought you, Tessie. + +TERESA [shrinking]. Sure I don't like to touch it, Denny. Did you take +it off a dead man? + +O'FLAHERTY. No: I took it off a live one; and thankful he was to me to +be alive and kept a prisoner in ease and comfort, and me left fighting +in peril of my life. + +TERESA [taking it]. Do you think it's real gold, Denny? + +O'FLAHERTY. It's real German gold, anyhow. + +TERESA. But German silver isn't real, Denny. + +O'FLAHERTY [his face darkening]. Well, it's the best the Bosh could do +for me, anyhow. + +TERESA. Do you think I might take it to the jeweller next market day and +ask him? + +O'FLAHERTY [sulkily]. You may take it to the divil if you like. + +TERESA. You needn't lose your temper about it. I only thought I'd like +to know. The nice fool I'd look if I went about showing off a chain that +turned out to be only brass! + +O'FLAHERTY. I think you might say Thank you. + +TERESA. Do you? I think you might have said something more to me than +"Is that yourself?" You couldn't say less to the postman. + +O'FLAHERTY [his brow clearing]. Oh, is that what's the matter? Here! +come and take the taste of ther brass out of my mouth. [He seizes her +and kisses her.] + +Teresa, without losing her Irish dignity, takes the kiss as +appreciatively as a connoisseur might take a glass of wine, and sits +down with him on the garden seat, + +TERESA [as he squeezes her waist]. Thank God the priest can't see us +here! + +O'FLAHERTY. It's little they care for priests in France, alanna. + +TERESA. And what had the queen on her, Denny, when she spoke to you in +the palace? + +O'FLAHERTY. She had a bonnet on without any strings to it. And she had +a plakeen of embroidery down her bosom. And she had her waist where it +used to be, and not where the other ladies had it. And she had little +brooches in her ears, though she hadn't half the jewelry of Mrs Sullivan +that keeps the popshop in Drumpogue. And she dresses her hair down over +her forehead, in a fringe like. And she has an Irish look about her +eyebrows. And she didn't know what to say to me, poor woman! and I +didn't know what to say to her, God help me! + +TERESA. You'll have a pension now with the Cross, won't you, Denny? + +O'FLAHERTY. Sixpence three farthings a day. + +TERESA. That isn't much. + +O'FLAHERTY. I take out the rest in glory. + +TERESA. And if you're wounded, you'll have a wound pension, won't you? + +O'FLAHERTY. I will, please God. + +TERESA. You're going out again, aren't you, Denny? + +O'FLAHERTY. I can't help myself. I'd be shot for a deserter if I didn't +go; and maybe I'll be shot by the Boshes if I do go; so between the two +of them I'm nicely fixed up. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [calling from within the house]. Tessie! Tessie darlint! + +TERESA [disengaging herself from his arm and rising]. I'm wanted for +the tea table. You'll have a pension anyhow, Denny, won't you, whether +you're wounded or not? + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Come, child, come. + +TERESA [impatiently]. Oh, sure I'm coming. [She tries to smile at Denny, +not very convincingly, and hurries into the house.] + +O'FLAHERTY [alone]. And if I do get a pension itself, the divil a penny +of it you'll ever have the spending of. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [as she comes from the porch]. Oh, it's a shame for you +to keep the girl from her juties, Dinny. You might get her into trouble. + +O'FLAHERTY. Much I care whether she gets into trouble or not! I pity the +man that gets her into trouble. He'll get himself into worse. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. What's that you tell me? Have you been falling out with +her, and she a girl with a fortune of ten pounds? + +O'FLAHERTY. Let her keep her fortune. I wouldn't touch her with the +tongs if she had thousands and millions. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Oh fie for shame, Dinny! why would you say the like of +that of a decent honest girl, and one of the Driscolls too? + +O'FLAHERTY. Why wouldn't I say it? She's thinking of nothing but to get +me out there again to be wounded so that she may spend my pension, bad +scran to her! + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Why, what's come over you, child, at all at all? + +O'FLAHERTY. Knowledge and wisdom has come over me with pain and fear +and trouble. I've been made a fool of and imposed upon all my life. I +thought that covetious sthreal in there was a walking angel; and now if +ever I marry at all I'll marry a Frenchwoman. + +MRS O'FLARERTY [fiercely]. You'll not, so; and don't you dar repeat such +a thing to me. + +O'FLAHERTY. Won't I, faith! I've been as good as married to a couple of +them already. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. The Lord be praised, what wickedness have you been up +to, you young blackguard? + +O'FLAHERTY. One of them Frenchwomen would cook you a meal twice in the +day and all days and every day that Sir Pearce himself might go begging +through Ireland for, and never see the like of. I'll have a French wife, +I tell you; and when I settle down to be a farmer I'll have a French +farm, with a field as big as the continent of Europe that ten of your +dirty little fields here wouldn't so much as fill the ditch of. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [furious]. Then it's a French mother you may go look for; +for I'm done with you. + +O'FLAHERTY. And it's no great loss you'd be if it wasn't for my natural +feelings for you; for it's only a silly ignorant old countrywoman you +are with all your fine talk about Ireland: you that never stepped beyond +the few acres of it you were born on! + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [tottering to the garden seat and showing signs of +breaking down]. Dinny darlint, why are you like this to me? What's +happened to you? + +O'FLAHERTY [gloomily]. What's happened to everybody? that's what I want +to know. What's happened to you that I thought all the world of and was +afeard of? What's happened to Sir Pearce, that I thought was a great +general, and that I now see to be no more fit to command an army than an +old hen? What's happened to Tessie, that I was mad to marry a year ago, +and that I wouldn't take now with all Ireland for her fortune? I tell +you the world's creation is crumbling in ruins about me; and then you +come and ask what's happened to me? + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [giving way to wild grief]. Ochone! ochone! my son's +turned agen me. Oh, what'll I do at all at all? Oh! oh! oh! oh! + +SIR PEARCE [running out of the house]. What's this infernal noise? What +on earth is the matter? + +O'FLAHERTY. Arra hold your whisht, mother. Don't you see his honor? + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Oh, Sir, I'm ruined and destroyed. Oh, won't you +speak to Dinny, Sir: I'm heart scalded with him. He wants to marry a +Frenchwoman on me, and to go away and be a foreigner and desert his +mother and betray his country. It's mad he is with the roaring of the +cannons and he killing the Germans and the Germans killing him, bad cess +to them! My boy is taken from me and turned agen me; and who is to take +care of me in my old age after all I've done for him, ochone! ochone! + +O'FLAHERTY. Hold your noise, I tell you. Who's going to leave you? I'm +going to take you with me. There now: does that satisfy you? + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Is it take me into a strange land among heathens and +pagans and savages, and me not knowing a word of their language nor them +of mine? + +O'FLAHERTY. A good job they don't: maybe they'll think you're talking +sense. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Ask me to die out of Ireland, is it? and the angels not +to find me when they come for me! + +O'FLAHERTY. And would you ask me to live in Ireland where I've been +imposed on and kept in ignorance, and to die where the divil himself +wouldn't take me as a gift, let alone the blessed angels? You can come +or stay. You can take your old way or take my young way. But stick in +this place I will not among a lot of good-for-nothing divils that'll not +do a hand's turn but watch the grass growing and build up the stone wall +where the cow walked through it. And Sir Horace Plunkett breaking his +heart all the time telling them how they might put the land into decent +tillage like the French and Belgians. + +SIR PEARCE. Yes, he's quite right, you know, Mrs O'Flaherty: quite right +there. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Well, sir, please God the war will last a long time yet; +and maybe I'll die before it's over and the separation allowance stops. + +O'FLAHERTY. That's all you care about. It's nothing but milch cows we +men are for the women, with their separation allowances, ever since the +war began, bad luck to them that made it! + +TERESA [coming from the porch between the General and Mrs O'Flaherty.] +Hannah sent me out for to tell you, sir, that the tea will be black and +the cake not fit to eat with the cold if yous all don't come at wanst. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [breaking out again]. Oh, Tessie darlint, what have you +been saying to Dinny at all at all? Oh! Oh-- + +SIR PEARCE [out of patience]. You can't discuss that here. We shall have +Tessie beginning now. + +O'FLAHERTY. That's right, sir: drive them in. + +TERESA. I haven't said a word to him. He-- + +SIR PEARCE. Hold your tongue; and go in and attend to your business at +the tea table. + +TERESA. But amment I telling your honor that I never said a word to him? +He gave me a beautiful gold chain. Here it is to show your honor that +it's no lie I'm telling you. + +SIR PEARCE. What's this, O'Flaherty? You've been looting some +unfortunate officer. + +O'FLAHERTY. No, sir: I stole it from him of his own accord. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY. Wouldn't your honor tell him that his mother has the +first call on it? What would a slip of a girl like that be doing with a +gold chain round her neck? + +TERESA [venomously]. Anyhow, I have a neck to put it round and not a +hank of wrinkles. + +At this unfortunate remark, Mrs O'Flaherty bounds from her seat: and +an appalling tempest of wordy wrath breaks out. The remonstrances and +commands of the General, and the protests and menaces of O'Flaherty, +only increase the hubbub. They are soon all speaking at once at the top +of their voices. + +MRS O'FLAHERTY [solo]. You impudent young heifer, how dar you say such a +thing to me? [Teresa retorts furiously: the men interfere: and the solo +becomes a quartet, fortissimo.] I've a good mind to clout your ears for +you to teach you manners. Be ashamed of yourself, do; and learn to know +who you're speaking to. That I maytn't sin! but I don't know what the +good God was thinking about when he made the like of you. Let me not see +you casting sheep's eyes at my son again. There never was an O'Flaherty +yet that would demean himself by keeping company with a dirty Driscoll; +and if I see you next or nigh my house I'll put you in the ditch with a +flea in your ear: mind that now. + +TERESA. Is it me you offer such a name to, you fou-mouthed, +dirty-minded, lying, sloothering old sow, you? I wouldn't soil my tongue +by calling you in your right name and telling Sir Pearce what's the +common talk of the town about you. You and your O'Flahertys! setting +yourself up agen the Driscolls that would never lower themselves to be +seen in conversation with you at the fair. You can keep your ugly stingy +lump of a son; for what is he but a common soldier? and God help +the girl that gets him, say I! So the back of my hand to you, Mrs +O'Flaherty; and that the cat may tear your ugly old face! + +SIR PEARCE. Silence. Tessie, did you hear me ordering you to go into the +house? Mrs O'Flaherty! [Louder.] Mrs O'Flaherty!! Will you just listen +to me one moment? Please. [Furiously.] Do you hear me speaking to you, +woman? Are you human beings or are you wild beasts? Stop that noise +immediately: do you hear? [Yelling.] Are you going to do what I order +you, or are you not? Scandalous! Disgraceful! This comes of being too +familiar with you. O'Flaherty, shove them into the house. Out with the +whole damned pack of you. + +O'FLAHERTY [to the women]. Here now: none of that, none of that. Go +easy, I tell you. Hold your whisht, mother, will you, or you'll be sorry +for it after. [To Teresa.] Is that the way for a decent young girl to +speak? [Despairingly.] Oh, for the Lord's sake, shut up, will yous? Have +you no respect for yourselves or your betters? [Peremptorily.] Let me +have no more of it, I tell you. Och! the divil's in the whole crew of +you. In with you into the house this very minute and tear one another's +eyes out in the kitchen if you like. In with you. + +The two men seize the two women, and push them, still violently abusing +one another, into the house. Sir Pearce slams the door upon them +savagely. Immediately a heavenly silence falls on the summer afternoon. +The two sit down out of breath: and for a long time nothing is said. Sir +Pearce sits on an iron chair. O'Flaherty sits on the garden seat. The +thrush begins to sing melodiously. O'Flaherty cocks his ears, and looks +up at it. A smile spreads over his troubled features. Sir Pearce, with a +long sigh, takes out his pipe and begins to fill it. + +O'FLAHERTY [idyllically]. What a discontented sort of an animal a man +is, sir! Only a month ago, I was in the quiet of the country out at the +front, with not a sound except the birds and the bellow of a cow in the +distance as it might be, and the shrapnel making little clouds in the +heavens, and the shells whistling, and maybe a yell or two when one of +us was hit; and would you believe it, sir, I complained of the noise and +wanted to have a peaceful hour at home. Well: them two has taught me a +lesson. This morning, sir, when I was telling the boys here how I was +longing to be back taking my part for king and country with the others, +I was lying, as you well knew, sir. Now I can go and say it with a clear +conscience. Some likes war's alarums; and some likes home life. I've +tried both, sir; and I'm for war's alarums now. I always was a quiet lad +by natural disposition. + +SIR PEARCE. Strictly between ourselves, O'Flaherty, and as one soldier +to another [O'Flaherty salutes, but without stiffening], do you think we +should have got an army without conscription if domestic life had been +as happy as people say it is? + +O'FLAHERTY. Well, between you and me and the wall, Sir Pearce, I think +the less we say about that until the war's over, the better. + +He winks at the General. The General strikes a match. The thrush sings. +A jay laughs. The conversation drops. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of O'Flaherty V. C., by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK O'FLAHERTY V. 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