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diff --git a/34791.txt b/34791.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bb8625f --- /dev/null +++ b/34791.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23640 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Song of Songs, by Hermann Sudermann + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Song of Songs + +Author: Hermann Sudermann + +Translator: Thomas Seltzer + +Release Date: December 30, 2010 [EBook #34791] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SONG OF SONGS *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + THE SONG OF SONGS + + (DAS HOHE LIED) + + BY HERMANN SUDERMANN + + + TRANSLATED BY + THOMAS SELTZER + + NEW YORK + THE VIKING PRESS + MCMXXVI + + Copyright, 1909, by + J. G. COTTA'SCHE BUCHHANDLUNG NACHFOLGER, Stuttgart + + _All rights reserved_ + + Published in Germany, November 21, 1908 + + Privilege of copyright in the United States reserved + under the act approved March 3, 1905, + by J. G. Cotta'sche Buchhandlung Nachfolger + + Published November 20, 1909 + Second printing, January, 1910 + Third printing, February, 1910 + Fourth printing, April, 1910 + Fifth printing, September, 1910 + Sixth printing, September, 1911 + Seventh printing, March, 1913 + Eighth printing, December, 1913 + Ninth printing, January, 1915 + Tenth printing, June, 1916 + Eleventh printing, 1919 + Twelfth printing, April, 1921 + Thirteenth printing, September, 1923 + Fourteenth printing, December, 1926 + + + + +THE SONG OF SONGS + + + + +PART I + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +Lilly was fourteen years old when her father, Kilian Czepanek, the +music-master, suddenly disappeared. + +It happened in this way. He had been giving piano lessons the whole day, +in the interim swearing and drinking Moselle and Selters, for it was +intensely hot. Occasionally he had slipped into the dining-room to take +a cognac or arrange his Windsor necktie. He had pulled Lilly's brown +curls as she sat labouring over her French vocabulary, and had +disappeared again into the best room, where the girl pupils changed from +hour to hour, and only the dissonances and the curses remained. + +When the last victim had stumbled through her lesson and closed the hall +door behind her, Czepanek failed to reappear in his usual bad temper and +with his usual appetite. He remained in the front room, where this day +he neither whistled nor whined nor played out his rage on the keyboard, +as he sometimes did after a day's labour. In fact, he gave scarcely a +sign of life. Now and then a deep sigh--that was all. + +Lilly, who took warm interest in everything her handsome father did or +did not do, let her French textbook slip from her lap, and stole up to +the keyhole. + +Through it she saw him standing before the large pier-glass, absorbed in +a close study of himself. From time to time he raised his left hand and +pressed it as if in despair against his soft, silky, dark artist's +curls, which Lilly's mother devotedly fostered every day with bay-rum +and French oils. + +He and his reflection gazed at each other's moist red face with wild, +eager eyes, and Lilly's heart expanded in love of her adored papa. + +To Lilly his standing before the mirror was a familiar sight. It was his +manner of squaring accounts for his lost life and wasted love, his +manner of charming back the great world, in which duchesses and prima +donnas yearningly cherished the memory of their vanished idol. + +He stood there like an elderly god of love, with small alcoholic puffs +under his eyes, and a tendency toward a paunch. + +Both mama and Lilly cared for him with unremitting zeal. They regarded +him as a sort of bird of paradise, who by a lucky chance had been caught +between the walls of a room, and who required the greatest effort, the +utmost circumspection, to keep him safe in the cage. + +By right, Lilly should long ago have been sitting at the piano, for in +the house of Czepanek a quiet keyboard was a waste of time and a sin +before the Lord. She had to practice four or five hours every day. Often +when her father was seized by the holy spirit of creativeness and forgot +the time set aside for her practicing, she did not begin until nearly +midnight. Then she sat at the piano frozen, with heavy eyes, striking +out in all directions until the small hours of the morning. Sometimes +her mother found her the next day lying with her arms crossed on the +keyboard in that profound child's sleep from which there is almost no +rousing. + +Thus it happened that she cared little for the artistic future for which +her father's ambition had destined her. She preferred to dally with +some old forbidden book, and often drove her father to despair by a +false pretence at cleverness in playing at first sight. But to-day she +had the Sonata Pathetique to do, and there is no trifling with that, as +any babe in arms knows. + +So she was just about to interrupt her father as he stood there plunged +in dreamy self-observation, when she heard a click at the door from the +kitchen. She bounded away from the keyhole with one great leap of her +long legs, and the next instant her mother entered, carrying the supper +dishes. + +The mother's prematurely faded cheeks were now glowing from the heat of +the kitchen fire. She held her lean figure erect, taut as a whip cord, +which seemed to be tied in a knot at the abdomen by a protrusion, the +result of abortive child-bearing. Dull marital sorrow had long ago +transformed her eyes, once beautiful, into two lustreless slits. But at +this moment they were beaming with pride and expectation. + +For to-day Mrs. Czepanek hoped to satisfy her lord and his palate. + +At the clatter of the plates on the table, the door to the parlour +opened, and papa's dark curly head, about which the evening sunlight +cast a halo, appeared in the bright opening. + +"The deuce, supper already?" he said, and his eyes wandered with a +peculiar, confused gaze. + +"In ten minutes," the mother replied, joy at the surprise in store for +him playing about her parched, chapped lips like secret bliss. + +He entered the room, took a few deep breaths, and said with the air of a +man to whom speech comes hard: + +"I've just noticed that one of the straps of my hand-bag is torn." + +"Why, do you want it?" asked his wife. + +"One's hand-bag must always be kept in readiness," he answered, his eyes +continuing to rove about the room. "Suppose I were suddenly to be called +to act as substitute somewhere. I must have my bag ready." + +As a matter of fact, he had been called upon the previous winter to take +the place of a Berlin virtuoso, who had undertaken to "do" the towns in +eastern Germany and whose train had been snow-bound near Bromberg. The +committee telegraphed to papa requesting him to play in his stead. But +now, in midsummer, when the concert season was dead, such an emergency +was scarcely within the realm of the possible. + +"I'll tell Minna to take it to the saddler's right after supper," said +mama, who took good care not to contradict her choleric husband. + +He nodded meditatively and walked into his bedroom, while the mother ran +to the kitchen to do the final honours in her own person to the titbit +she had prepared for him. + +A few minutes later he returned with the bag in his hand. It looked +rather bulgy. He stopped before the linen chest. + +"Lilly, dear," he said, "I wonder whether the score would go into the +grip crosswise? In case I am called to a concert, you know--" + +The score of the Song of Songs was kept in the linen chest, so that, +should fire break out during papa's absence, anyone in the family might +easily get at this greatest of treasures. + +Lilly looked for the keys, but could not find them. + +"I'll go ask mama," she said. + +"No, no," he cried hastily, and a shiver went through his body, such as +Lilly had often noticed when mother was mentioned to him. "I'll first +take this old thing to the saddler." + +Lilly was shocked at the idea that her celebrated father should himself +go to the saddler's dingy workshop. + +"Mercy!" she cried, and reached out for the handle of the bag. She would +take it to the saddler herself. + +But he warded her off. + +"You're too grown up now for such things, my girl," he said, and his +eyes lighted up as they scanned her tall, virginal body, her hips and +bosom, already beginning to show delicate curves. "Why, you're almost a +_signora_." + +He patted her cheeks and pulled a little at the lock of the linen chest, +gnawing his lips the while in intense bitterness. Then suddenly he shook +himself, and with a shy, contemptuous look toward the kitchen--Lilly +knew that look, too--went quickly out of the room. + +He went and never came back. + + * * * * * + +The night following that red summer evening remained graven in Lilly's +memory hour by hour. + +Her mother sat on the window-sill in her nightgown, and her fervid, +anxious eyes kept glancing up and down the street. Whenever she heard +steps at a distance knocking on the pavement, she would start and cry: + +"There he is." + +Lilly felt there was no need to bother about the Pathetique to-day. A +dull oppression in her left breast determined her to turn to St. Joseph, +to whom she had stood in tender relations since her confirmation. She +had already passed many a dreamy, idle hour before his altar at St. +Anne's--right front, second chapel--and secretly sent up many an +abstract sigh to the dear, good face with the beautiful beard. But +to-night he failed her utterly. She could get no consolation from him, +and vexed and disillusioned, she dismissed him. + +At twelve o'clock the last vehicle passed the house. + +At one the pedestrians, too, grew less frequent. + +At half-past two a dusty wind arose, smelling of sand and threatening to +blow out the lamp. + +Between two and three only the night watchman was heard shuffling along +the narrow, echoing street. + +At three the early delivery wagons began to rattle, and it grew light. + +Between three and four Lilly prepared a boiling hot cup of coffee for +her mother, and ate up all the cold supper. Long waiting and crying had +made her ravenously hungry. + +Between four and five a band of young night revellers passed by, +throwing kisses to her mother, and when their importunities forced her +to withdraw from the window they serenaded her. Fine, pure voices, Lilly +had to admit despite her grief; rendition good and precise, without that +pedantic stop-like effect which papa so detested in the singing +societies. Perhaps they were even pupils of his who did not know his +residence. + +Scarcely were they gone when the mother was again at her post. + +Lilly struggled against sleep. + +She saw as through a veil the thin blond hair waving over her mother's +forehead in the morning breeze, saw the pointed nose, red with weeping, +turn now to the right, now to the left, according to the direction from +which a sound came; saw the nightgown fluttering like a white flag, and +the lean legs incessantly rubbing against each other in nervous +agitation. Then she had to retell, perhaps for the hundredth time, the +story of the hand-bag and the linen chest, but her eyes closed. + +And then suddenly she started up with a cry; her mother had dropped back +in a swoon, and lay supine on the floor like a log of wood. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +So Kilian Czepanek never came back. + +Good friends were not wanting, of course, who had for years foreseen the +event. In fact, they failed to understand how he could have endured it +so long--he, the man of genius, of God-given fancy, with the hall-mark +of creative restlessness on his thunder-headed brow. Others called him a +good-for-nothing, a dirty scoundrel, who ran after innocent girls and +enticed young men to gamble. They declared Mrs. Czepanek lucky to be rid +of him, and charged Lilly to erase her unworthy father from her memory. + +Most unpleasant of all, however, were those who said nothing, but +presented bills. Mrs. Czepanek sold or pawned all the articles of luxury +left her from the middle-class comfort of her youth, or from her +husband's liberal moods. But these soon gave out. Furniture, dress and +linen not absolutely indispensable followed; then at last the creditors +were stilled. + +The singing society, to the leadership of which Kilian Czepanek had been +called fifteen years before, and which, during that period, had carried +off no less than six prizes, expressed its satisfaction with the +accomplishments of its conductor by holding the position open for half a +year and paying the salary in full to his wife. + +But this period of grace also came to an end. Now began the bitter +begging pilgrimages to the eminent citizens and officials of the city, +the sorry pulling of bells, the anxious scraping of shoes before +strangers' doors, the half-hour waitings in dark corridors, the abashed +sitting down on the narrow edges of chairs, the sighs, the stammering, +the wiping of eyes, which, however honestly meant, came to have somewhat +the appearance of professional hypocrisy. The more it was calculated to +produce an impression the more it failed of its purpose. + +Now came the chase for work in shop and factory, in all places where +bed-linen and shirts and nightgowns are made, where cheap lace is added +to cheap underwear, where white goods is vitalised with hems and yokes +and bindings and strings. Now came the whizz of the sewing machine the +whole day and the whole night. Now came pricked fingers, inflamed eyes, +swollen knees, vinegar compresses about feverish temples, a simmering +tea-kettle at four o'clock in the morning, watery coffee heated three +times over, with bread and butter instead of the midday roast and the +evening eggs. In short, now came poverty. + +And strange to say, the more remote the day on which Kilian Czepanek had +disappeared, the more confidently his abandoned wife looked forward to +his return. The first half year had passed; another conductor appeared +and challenged comparison. For a couple of weeks the papers contented +themselves with mortifying him by flattering allusions to the former +leader. But this also passed. And now followed the great silence of the +grave. At most, Czepanek's picture remained alive only in a few +bar-rooms and a few girls' hearts. + +Mrs. Czepanek, however, who had so long compressed her lips in smothered +shame when the conversation turned upon her husband, began to speak of +his coming back as of an established fact definitely prearranged. More +than that, she who in the course of fifteen years had gradually lost her +youth, her beauty, her ready wit and laughter, everything she had +brought as a marriage dowry to her husband, sinking it, for no reason +at all, in a grey pool of self-reproach and anxiety; she who for many +years had not tried a coloured ribbon on her sunken breast, who had not +troubled to arrange a lock of hair on her forehead, which kept growing +higher and higher--this woman became vain again. Each time she received +her meagre pay she made haste to invest part of it in powder and beauty +creams. In moments of exhaustion, when she could no longer stand on her +feet, she quickly whipped a red stick from her pocket and passed it over +her thin lips. And about eight o'clock every morning she bustled between +the kitchen fire and the sewing machine with a freshly burned wreath of +curls. + +In this way she prepared herself for his return. She would receive her +repentant husband in her outstretched arms, bedecked and radiant as a +bride. + +For he was bound to return; that was certain. Where else would he find a +comprehending smile like hers, where else the secret soul-harmony which +consoles by silence and compels happiness by prayer, which, with the +dropping of the rosary beads, secretly insinuates dreamy stipulations +with Providence, and dissolves the whole universe into one great minor +harmony of yearning? Where else was there a human being who served as +she did, without malice and without regret, with body and with soul, who +allowed herself to be taken or rejected according to impulse or desire? + +Thus she had once welcomed him, a young, blond, laughing, unsuspecting +thing. She had given herself to him without stint and without +questioning; just because he desired it. And she had scarcely felt it as +her right and his atonement, when he led her to the altar at the command +of her father, an honest subordinate in a court of justice. In fact, +Czepanek had been forced into marriage by half the city, which +otherwise would have ostracised the seducer and ousted him from his soft +berth. + +Happier she could not be, that she knew. Of the nameless misfortune +bound to come she had not the least presentiment; and when it came she +took it without complaint; she loved him so very much, she regarded it +as the natural indemnity for the unnatural gift of having possessed him. + +Yet he would come back in spite of all. Whether he wished to or not, he +would come. She had in her possession a pledge which chained him to her +for all time, and which, sooner or later, must force him to cross her +threshold. + +It was not Lilly. True, he loved his child, loved her with a tenderness +strangely compounded of pleasure in a toy for idle hours, and of +aesthetic delight in her inner and outer loveliness. But for a real +father's love, she knew, there was no room in his gypsy heart. Even in +hours when he would feel himself most alone and abandoned, the thought +would never occur to him to seek solace and comfort with a child of his. + +But the wife had something else in her keeping which gave her a far +stronger hold upon him--a roll of music; that was all. He might easily +have put it in the bag with which he had departed on his great journey. +In fact, he had attempted to. But so great at the decisive moment was +his desire to escape that he did not dare to face his suspicious wife. + +This roll of music contained everything that had linked his past with +his future during the fifteen years of his Philistine life, everything +remaining from the titanic storm and stress of his youth, from the giddy +hopes and ambitions of the days when he starved. + +This roll of music--it was slender enough--contained the work of his +life; it contained the Song of Songs. + +Since Lilly could think, nothing in the world had been spoken of with +such respect, with such tender and reverent awe, as this work, of which, +with the exception of the two women, no one knew a note. + +It was something that had never yet been, something unheard of, a new +world of sound, the beginning of a musical development, of which the end +was lost in the twilight of mystic anticipation. + +The opera had reached its culmination in Wagner, the road from which +pointed straight down into the abyss; symphonic composition no longer +answered modern requirements for sense music; the song had been split up +by the newest school into a series of small subtle effects. The art of +the future belonged to the oratorio, but not that constrained wooden +production hitherto suffered to pass by the name from a false belief +that we have to make concessions to a misunderstood ecclesiasticism, +but--and here it was that the new world of sound, the Song of Songs, +began. + +The score had been completed years ago. To entrust it to the heavy +execution of the musicians of Czepanek's provincial town would have been +desecration. So it lay there and lay there, and interwove the day with a +mild, mysterious light, which no one saw, yet every one felt. It shot +rays of light into the distant future, and so filled a child's +palpitating heart with anticipation, prayer and love that that heart +would rather have stood still than exist without this fountain of the +good and the noble, from which the acting forces of life daily drew +their sustenance. + +For Lilly the roll of music lying in the upper drawer of the linen +chest, held together by two rubber bands, was a kind of household +divinity, which gave purity and sanctity to the home. She had imbibed +reverence for the sheets of paper, scrawled over with curly-headed +runes, since the dawn of her recollections, and their music was +familiar to her from her early childhood. + +Papa, it is true, did not like to have the themes of his creation +bandied about in everyday life. "Why don't you sing 'O du lieber +Augustin' or 'Nun sei bedankt, mein lieber Schwan?'" he used to say when +he caught one of them dreamily humming his arias. "They are plenty good +enough for you." + +Later his warnings grew unnecessary. Mama gradually forgot everything +sounding like a song, and Lilly withdrew more and more into herself. + +She had arranged a sort of mass from the Song of Songs, which she +celebrated before the mirror when she knew she was alone in the house. +She draped a sheet about her waist like a skirt, hung window-curtains +over her shoulders, wound old lace about her neck, and wove spangles +taken from shoes into her hair. Singing, weeping, and uttering shouts of +joy, with genuflections, magic dances and airy embraces, she lived +through Sulamith's bridal yearning and ecstasy as awakened to life again +in papa's Song of Songs after a slumber of twenty-five hundred years. + +The manuscript of this song became the anchor to which the hopes of +Kilian Czepanek's family were henceforth fastened. It was conceivable +that he, a vagabond, cast out by his own parents when a child, might +abandon wife and daughter to want and pining--but to believe that he +would desert the work of his lifetime, the sword wherewith he was to +fight his way back into the great world, was sheer folly. + +And while the sewing-machine whizzed and whirred day and night in the +attic to which Mrs. Czepanek and her daughter had removed, while the +body of the forsaken woman dried up entirely and grew ever more +deformed, and the layer of paint with which she kept herself young +rested upon cheekbones sharpening from week to week, there lay in the +upper drawer of the linen chest (the chest had been saved from +bankruptcy) an earnest of future reunion, working miracles by its +proximity, the Song of Songs. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +Lilly was now a tall young woman with a well-developed figure for her +age, who carried her school-bag through the streets with the air of a +princess. + +Her plaid dress of mixed wool was always wrinkled by rain, and despite +the let-out tucks was ever too short. Her rainy-day boots went to the +cobbler time and again, and between the wavy ends of her cotton gloves +and the hems of her sleeves laboriously stretched to meet them, gleamed +a strip of red, slender arm. + +But whoever saw her come down the street with the easy swing of her +beautifully curved hips, with the careless, rhythmic tread of exuberant +youth and strength, with the mobile head, too small for her tall body, +set on a long neck, with the two mouse teeth that looked out eagerly +from behind an upper lip somewhat too short, and with the two famous +"Lilly eyes"--he who saw her did not think of the shabbiness of her +dress, did not suspect that this delicately shaped, broad breast was +bent for hours and hours over sewing, that this whole glorious, youthful +organism, whose sap, as it chased through her veins, manifested itself +in causeless blushings and passionate palings, was grandly maintained +and preserved on boiled potatoes, bread spread with clarified fat, and +bad sausage. + +The high school students followed her all afire, and for a long time the +poems composed in her praise in the first year class were to be counted +by the dozen. + +It cannot be said that she remained indifferent to their homage. When a +troop of them came toward her on the street she felt as if a rosy veil +were descending over her eyes from shame and dread; and when the young +men passed by, doffing their caps--they had met her at the +skating-rink--she was overcome by giddiness, or a sinking sensation, so +suddenly did the blood mount to her head. The aftertaste of the meetings +was delicious. For hours she recalled the picture of the young man who +had greeted her most respectfully, or the one who had blushed like +herself. That was the one she loved--until at the next encounter he was +replaced by another. + +Despite her adorers she was subjected to less teasing by her schoolmates +than is usual in such cases. The contented defencelessness of her manner +disarmed all enmity. If they hid her school-bag she merely entreated, +"Please give it back to me." If they stuck her up on the stove, she +remained there laughing, and if they wanted to copy her English +exercise, she gave them the solution to an arithmetic problem besides. + +The only discord in her relations with them arose from the jealousy that +set her bosom friends by the ears. In this she was not quite blameless, +as she changed her friendships with startling rapidity, feeling in duty +bound to respond to all overtures of intimacy. Consequently her +affections could not be fastened on a single companion for long, and she +herself was amazed when she saw one sentiment pushed aside by the next +attack. + +The teachers, too, had kindly feelings for her. The words, "Lilly, you +are dreaming," which sometimes came from the platform, sounded more like +a caress than a reproach. As head of the newcomers in the 1 B class she +sat for a time at the end of the sixth row, and more than one hand gave +her hair a paternal stroke in passing. + +Her nickname was "Lilly with the eyes." Her schoolmates declared such +eyes were absolutely improbable, such eyes _could_ not exist. "Cat +eyes," "nixie eyes," are samples of the epithets bestowed upon them. +Some maintained they were violet, some knew for sure she penciled her +lids. However that may be, he who looked at her face saw eyes and +nothing but eyes, and was content to look no further. + +When fifteen and a half years old Lilly passed from the first-year class +into the Selecta, the class for advanced pupils, for it had been decided +that she was to earn her living as a governess. + +With this came a change in many respects; new teachers, new subjects of +study, new companions and a new tone in intercourse. Nobody was +addressed by the first name; the throwing of paper balls ceased, and no +one on going home found bits of paper stuck in her hair. Phrases like +"sacredness of a vocation" and "consecration of life" were cheapened by +repetition; but so also were love episodes and secret betrothals. + +For the first time Lilly experienced a slight feeling of envy--she was +neither engaged, nor did the least love affair come her way. Such +trivialities as anonymous bouquets or verses bearing the superscription, +"Thine forever," with two initial letters intertwined, were, of course, +not to be counted. + +But her time came. Her love was compounded of marble statues and temple +pillars, of evergreen cypresses and a sky eternally blue, of pity and +yearning for the far-off, of a pupil's adoration for her teacher, and of +a desire to save. + +He was assistant instructor in science in the girls' high school, and +taught in the lower grades, where the ruler is still used on pupils' +knuckles and tongues are stuck out behind the teacher's back in revenge. +He gave no instruction whatever in the higher classes, but delivered +lectures on the history of art to the Selecta. + +"History of art." The very words are enough to send a shiver of ecstasy +through a maiden's soul. How much greater the charm when a suffering +young man with deep-set, burning eyes and a lily-white forehead expounds +the subject! + +His first name was Arpad. + +But there the romance ended. What remained was a poor consumptive, who +had painfully earned his way through the university by private tutoring, +only to fall a victim to the grave just when he had hoped to reap the +scant fruit of the sufferings of his youth. His superiors helped him to +the extent of their ability. They assigned him the easiest classes, and +as soon as they noticed the fever stains burning on his cheeks, they +obtained a substitute in his place and sent him home. But they succeeded +in securing only a short respite, during which the dying man became a +burden to the teaching staff. Feeling this himself he put forth suicidal +energy to disarm whatever criticism might be made against his ability to +work. He eagerly assumed all possible duties in his line, and what the +most industrious and ambitious man found too difficult he, who stood +with one foot in the grave, with no career ahead of him, gladly took +upon his shoulders. + +The day the principal introduced him to the Selecta remained fixed in +Lilly's memory. It was between three and four o'clock, the last hour, +when the almighty principal's portly belly unexpectedly appeared in the +doorway. He entered followed by the slender, good-looking young man with +a slight stoop, who stood at Miss Hennig's right side during morning +services in the main hall and dog-eared the pages of his hymn-book while +the anthem was being sung. He wore a tight grey coat, which emphasised +his slimness, and his shining modish silk vest cast a false glitter of +the world of society over him. He made two or three abrupt bows to the +class, like a lieutenant, and looked very shy and embarrassed. + +"Dr. Maelzer," said the principal, presenting him. "He will introduce you +to the art of the Renaissance. I should like you, young ladies, to +listen most attentively, for although the subject is not obligatory, and +you will not have to pass an examination in it, it is of great +importance for general education, and I shall have occasion to test your +progress in the literature class when we take up, for example, Lessing, +Goethe, or Winckelmann." + +With these words he strutted out of the room. + +The young pedagogue twirled his little blond moustache, which fell in +two thin scraggly tufts over the corners of his mouth. A smile both +bashful and sarcastic flitted across his face. He looked around +irresolutely for the chair, hesitating, apparently, whether to sit down +or remain standing. + +Meta Jachmann, with her usual inclination to be silly, began to giggle, +and soon half the class had followed suit. A hot red spread over the +teacher's wan face. + +"Laugh, ladies, laugh," he said with a voice which despite its weakness +shook his narrow chest. "Persons in your position may well laugh; for a +life full of activity and vigour lies ahead of you. I may rejoice, too, +for I am permitted to speak to you as soul to soul; which is a piece of +good fortune that rarely falls to the lot of a novice in the teaching +profession. You will find that out from your own experience soon +enough." + +The class grew still as a mouse. From that moment on he had the girls in +his grip. + +"But that's not the whole of my good fortune," he continued. "The theme +which the authorities of this institution have entrusted to my slender +ability--whether from magnanimity toward me, or lack of respect for the +subject, I cannot say--is the highest theme which human tradition knows. +Every personal expression in history, however defiant, revolutionary, or +alien the voice of the chosen one that uttered it, later exegesis used +as moral fodder with which to satiate the masses. The only personages +with whom this did not succeed were the men of the Renaissance. The nine +times wise branded Plato as a shield bearer of Christianity, Horace as a +pedant, Augustine as a church saint, Jesus as the Son of God. But no one +has ever undertaken to make of Michael Angelo, of Alexander Borgia, of +Machiavelli, anything but an ego, an ego which faces surrounding +conditions and the world either as creator or destroyer, relying on the +fulness of his own power." + +The young souls sat up and listened. Never had anyone spoken to them in +such a tone. They felt he was talking his life away, but in the very +moment they realised this, they drew a chain of freemasonry about him +with which they shielded him. + +He continued. With bold rapid strokes, which wrung new life from the +dead, he pictured to them the time and the men. The accumulation of many +years of repression now burst from him in passionate utterance. + +His auditors suspected that here was more than a school lesson, more, +even, than the harvest of scholarship. They divined that they were +listening to a confession of faith; and they attached themselves to him +with all the rapturous abandon of a woman and pupil, most rapturous when +they did not understand. + +Lilly being one of the younger girls sat nearest to the instructor. She +had a vague feeling, as of a flood of new, ineffably beautiful melodies +being poured over her. Since everything in her life and imagination had +hitherto centred about music, she had first to translate pictures and +thoughts into the world of sound, before her perceptions could grasp +them. + +She turned pale, and sat there squeezing her handkerchief in her left +hand. Her eyes staring at him clouded over with moisture in the joy of +surmise. She saw his breast working, saw the drops of perspiration on +his forehead, saw the flames burning on his cheeks; she wanted to weep, +to laugh, she wanted to cry: "Stop!" But she might not. So she sat +motionless, and listened to the poor suppressed voice proclaiming the +evangel of that old time which is still new. She listened also to +another voice which cried jubilantly deep down in her heart: "Let there +be----!" + +"But how does the world look," he continued, "in which that high-keyed +life developed? Like Moses, I have viewed it only from the mountain. I +have loitered a little in its outer courts, but I have seen enough for +me to know that my soul will never cease to desire it while breath +remains in my body. There between cypresses and evergreen oaks, temples +and palaces sprang up in white glory from the soil, seeming like a part +of it. What is clay here is marble there; what is routine here is free +creative energy there; our feeble imitation there is spontaneous growth. +Here laborious, grafted culture, there the grace of a happy nature; here +poverty-stricken pursuit of the useful, there voluptuous passion for the +beautiful; here sober, subtly reasoning Protestantism, there glad, +naive, Catholic paganism." + +This came to Lilly like a blow on the head. She had been raised by +Catholic parents in a Protestant country. Though there had been little +place for piety in her home, a great deal of religious enthusiasm dwelt +in her soul, fostered by an imaginative faculty and a compelling +emotionalism. To hear her Catholicism praised did her heart good, but +why it should be linked, almost as a matter of course, with the wicked +heathens, whom she had been taught to despise and deplore, was a riddle +to her. Her mind was a whirl of anxious thoughts and queries. She was +unable to follow the speaker any longer, and lost the thread of his +discourse, until after a while she heard him, in soft caressing words, +give a picture of the southern country. + +She saw the golden-blue summer sky rising over the isles of the blessed, +she saw the sun's bloody disk dip into the sea blackened by the breath +of the sirocco, saw the shepherd with his flute of Pan pasturing his +long-haired goats on the shining meadows of asphodel, saw the evergreen +forest clambering up the slopes of the Apennines to their snow-clad +peaks. She breathed in the fragrance of the laurels and strawberries and +inhaled the olive vapours, which, at the sounding of the Angelus, +ascended heavenward in blue pillars, like the offerings of a prayer. + +When she glanced up again, she almost started back in fright. A +consuming, tortured look of yearning shot from his eyes as they stared +with clairvoyant gaze, past them all, into emptiness. + +The bell rang, the hour was over. He looked around like a somnambulist +roused from sleep, snatched up his hat, and rushed from the room. Sacred +silence remained. After a while the tension was broken by a whisper here +and there and by a shy fumbling for school-bags. + +Lilly spoke to no one, and managed to make her escape into the street +alone. Humming and weeping softly she walked home. + + * * * * * + +The next morning there was profound excitement in the Selecta. The waves +set in motion by the great event of the day before continued to +vibrate. + +Anna Marholz, the daughter of a physician, who was a member of the Board +of Health, brought some facts about the young instructor's life. It was +absolutely necessary, she reported, for Dr. Maelzer to go to the south. +If he remained at home, he would probably not survive the winter. + +Lilly's heart stood still. The others considered ways and means of +helping him. Since he lacked the money and since the city would not +assume the cost of so long a leave of absence, especially as his +position was not yet assured, the means for saving him would have to be +obtained privately. + +"Let's form a committee," one girl proposed, and the others seconded +enthusiastically. + +"Thank God," Lilly thought. She felt as if his life had already been +prolonged by forty or fifty years. + +At the ten o'clock recess they lost no time in getting together for +urgent deliberation. Officers were chosen, and Lilly had the +inexpressible joy of emerging from the election in the dignity of +secretary. + +A few days later the first meeting took place in Klein's confectionery +shop--they did not venture into Frangipani's, the resort of military +officers and city officials--in the course of which fifteen young ladies +consumed fifteen small meringues glaces and fifteen cups of chocolate, +business expenses subsequently to be divided among them. Various +promising plans were submitted for consideration. Emily Faber suggested +that a public reading of Romeo and Juliet with assigned roles be given +in the club house, and the leading man of the city theatre be asked to +take the part of Romeo. The proposal received unanimous approval; for +this leading man was one of the most beloved of leading men that ever +found his way into girls' hearts. + +Kate Vitzing, whose cousin was tenor of the boys' high school quartette, +proposed an amateur concert to be given jointly by the quartette and the +Selecta. This, too, was unanimously approved. + +Finally, Rosalie Katz, who was of a practical turn, submitted a scheme +for printing subscription blanks to be presented to well-to-do citizens. +This plan gave less satisfaction, but in the end the girls agreed that +one good thing need not exclude another, and decided to put all three +projects into execution. + +Lilly conscientiously recorded all the transactions, and her heart went +pit-a-pat, "For him!" + +The lectures on the history of art followed their regular course; so +also the meetings of the aid committee. The consumption of meringues +glaces and cups of chocolate remained on about the same level, but +enthusiasm for the cause markedly diminished. Not that Dr. Maelzer's +subsequent lectures offered ground for disillusionment. Rich alike in +substance and figures of speech, they never failed to win the same tense +sympathy from the girls. But the plans for helping him had met with +serious obstacles. + +The much-beloved Romeo had been engaged to perform in another city at +the beginning of the autumn, the quartette had been refused permission +to cooeperate with the Selecta, and a permit from the police department +was necessary for a house to house collection. None of the girls dared +apply for it. + +Thus, the great life-preserving idea gradually petered out, terminating +in a confectioner's bill, of which three marks eighty fell to Lilly's +share. Lilly well knew the way to the pawnbroker's, and she did not have +to pluck up courage before relinquishing the little gold cross that she +wore about her neck, the last remnant of better days. Besides, it was +all for his sake. + +Autumn came, and Dr. Maelzer grew worse. He coughed a great deal, each +time putting his handkerchief to his mouth and then examining it +furtively. + +One day the girls were told that the lectures on the history of art +would be discontinued until further notice. + +Anna Marholz reported he had had a hemorrhage. + +Lilly did not stop to ask for an explanation of what that meant. + +"He's dying, he's dying!" was the cry in her soul. + +After dark she stole to his house (Anna Marholz had found his address in +one of her father's books). A weary, green-shaded lamp was burning in +his room. Not a shadow stirred, no hand appeared at the window-curtain. +But the little lamp continued to burn patiently for hours and hours, +despite its weariness, all the time that Lilly trotted up and down the +damp street in front of his house, full of conscientious scruples for +having robbed her toiling mother of her help. + +The adventure was repeated the following evenings, and anxiety waxed in +Lilly's soul. She pictured him lying there gasping for breath, with no +woman's hand to wipe the death sweat from his brow. + +On Saturday her solicitude drove her from her work-table early in the +afternoon. To patrol his house in broad daylight was impossible, but she +ventured to pass it once, and lacked the courage to return. Then she was +seized by a heroic resolve. She went to the florist's shop, and +sacrificing the two marks eighty left over from the transaction of the +little cross, she walked back to his house with a brownish yellow +bouquet of drooping autumn roses. + +Without stopping to think she ran up the steps, and rang at the door of +the second story, where she had seen the green lamp. + +An old woman in a soiled blue apron and mumbling her lips opened the +door. Lilly stammered Dr. Maelzer's name. + +"In the rear," said the woman, and shut the door. + +Then the little green lamp did not burn for him. An old woman lived +there, who wore a dirty apron and whose lips kept mumbling. For a week +she had been worshipping a false idol. Disappointed, she was about to +steal down the stairs, when her eye caught his name among four +door-plates. Her heart leapt, and before she knew it, she had knocked. + +A brief interval elapsed before his head appeared behind the door, which +he held only partly open. The lapels of his grey coat were raised to +cover his neck, which apparently was collarless. His hair was in wild +disorder, and the ends of his moustache were more matted than ever. And +how his eyes glared as they seemed to demand in embarrassment, "What do +you want?" + +"Miss--Miss--Miss--" he stammered. He appeared to recognise her, but +failed to recall her name. + +Lilly wanted to give him the bouquet and run away, but she remained +rooted to the spot as if paralysed. + +"You have been sent here by your class, I presume," he said. + +"Yes, yes," Lilly answered eagerly. That was her salvation. + +"Otherwise, you see, it would be impossible for me to invite you to come +in," he continued with a shy smile. "It might have very serious +consequences for both of us. But as a delegate--" he reflected a +moment--"come in, please." + +Lilly had imagined him living in high, spacious apartments, surrounded +by carved bookcases, vases, globes, and busts of great men. In dismay +she observed a little room with only one window, an unmade bed, an open +card table, a clothes-rack, and a small book-stand holding mostly +unbound and crumpled old volumes. Such were his quarters. + +"He lives more wretchedly than we do," she thought. + +At his invitation she seated herself on one of the two chairs, feeling +less embarrassed than she had expected to. Poverty shared alike brought +them nearer to each other. + +"How lovely in the young ladies to remember me!" + +Lilly recollected the flowers she still held in her hand. + +"Oh, excuse me," she said, proffering them. + +He took the bouquet without a word of thanks, and pressed them against +his face. + +"They don't smell," he said, "they are the last--but my first. So you +can imagine how precious they are to me." + +Lilly felt her eyes growing dim with joy. + +"Are you still in pain, Dr. Maelzer?" she managed to ask. + +He laughed. + +"Pain? No. I don't suffer from pain. A little fever now and then--but +the fever's pleasant, very amusing. Your soul seems to soar in a balloon +away over everything--over cities, countries, seas, over centuries, too; +and often great persons come to visit you, persons, if not so +beautiful--that is to say--I beg your pardon--" + +His compliment frightened him. Why, he was the teacher and she the +pupil. + +In the midst of his embarrassment a certain blindness seemed suddenly to +drop away from him. He stared at her with eyes burning like torches in +two blue hollows. + +"What is your name?" he asked in a voice even shriller and hoarser than +usual. + +"Lilly, Lilly Czepanek." + +The name was not familiar to him, as he had been in the city only a +short time. + +"You intend to become a teacher?" + +"Yes, Dr. Maelzer." + +"Do you know what? Get yourself exiled to Russia and throw bombs. Go to +a pest-house and wash sores. Marry a drunkard, who will beat you and +sell your bed from under your body. _Don't_ become a teacher--not +_you_." + +"Why not just I?" + +"I will tell you why. A flat-breasted person with watery eyes and +falling hair who can only see one side of a subject--such a creature +should be a teacher. Somebody without the blood and nerve to live his +own life can teach others to live--he's good enough for that. But he +whose blood flows through his body like fluid fire, whose yearning +spurts from his eyes, to whom the problems of life exist for seeing and +knowing, not for paltry criticism, he who--but I mustn't talk to you +about that, though I should very much like to." + +"Please do, please," Lilly implored. + +"How old are you?" + +"Sixteen." + +"And already a woman." His eyes scanned her in pained admiration. "Look +at me," he continued. "I, too, was once a human being--you wouldn't +believe it--I, too, once stretched two sturdy arms longingly to heaven; +I, too, once looked with desire into a girl's eyes, though not into such +as yours. Let me prattle. A dying man can do no harm." + +"But you shall not die," she cried, jumping from her seat. + +He laughed. + +"Sit down, child, and don't excite yourself about me. It doesn't pay. A +friend of mine once broke the back-bone of a cat that had gone mad. He +did it with one blow of a stick. The cat couldn't run away, she +couldn't howl, she couldn't do anything but just remain on all fours and +cough and choke and cough and choke--until the second blow came. That's +the way it is with me. There's nothing to be done. Go away, child, I've +already made my peace, but when I look at you my heart grows heavy +again." + +Lilly turned her face away to hide her tears. + +"Must I?" she asked. + +"Must?" He laughed again. "I shall feed on every minute of your presence +as a hungry man feeds on the crumbs he digs out of his pockets. You sat +on the left end of the first bench. I remember. I said to myself, 'What +a pair of improbable eyes! Such eyes the magic dogs of Andersen's tales +must have, eyes to which you would like to say, Please don't make such +big eyes. And from being thought big, they grow still bigger and +bigger.'" + +Now Lilly laughed. + +"You see," he said, "I have made you merry again. You must not carry +away too deathlike a picture from here. Our lessons were beautiful, +weren't they?" + +Lilly answered with a sigh. + +"When I spoke of Italy, you gasped a couple of times from sheer longing. +I thought to myself: 'She's gasping just like yourself, yet she doesn't +need it.'" + +"Would you like to go there very, very much?" Lilly ventured to ask. + +"Ask a man on fire whether he would like to take a cold plunge." + +"And it's the only thing that would save your life?" + +He looked her up and down a moment with a black, morose gaze. + +"Why are you questioning me? What do you want to find out? Tell the +young ladies of your class that I'm very grateful to them, tell them I'm +touched by their sympathy, I--" + +An attack of coughing choked him. Lilly jumped up and looked about for +help. She instinctively seized a glass from the folding-table, which was +half filled with a pale liquid, and held it to his mouth. He groped for +it eagerly. After drinking he fell back exhausted, and looked at her +gratefully, tenderly. She returned his look with a feeble smile, +thinking only one thought: + +"What happiness to be here!" + +It was so quiet in the dark, overheated room that she could hear the +ticking of his watch, which hung on the wall not far away. He wanted to +sit up and speak, but he seemed not to have recovered sufficient +strength. Lilly gave him an imploring look of warning. He smiled and +leaned back again. So they sat in silence. + +"What happiness!" thought Lilly. "What great, great happiness!" + +Then he stretched out his hands to her wearily. She took them in an +eager grasp of both her own. They felt hot and clammy, and his pulse +beat down to his finger-tips. It went twice as fast as hers, for she +could feel hers, too. + +"Listen, child, sweet," he whispered. "I want to give you a piece of +good advice to carry away with you. You have too much love in you. All +three kinds: love of the heart, love of the senses, love springing from +pity. One of them everybody must have if he's not to be a fossil. Two +are dangerous. All three lead to ruin. Be on guard against your own +love. Don't squander it. That's my advice, the advice of one on whom you +cannot squander it, for I can use it--God knows how well I can use it!" + +"Have you nobody to stay with you?" she asked, dreading to hear that +some other woman had the right to nurse him. + +He shook his head. + +"May I come again?" + +He started, struck by the ardour with which she asked the question. + +"If the class sends you again, of course." + +Lilly cast aside all reserve. + +"That was a lie," she stammered. "Not a soul knows I came here." + +He sprang to his feet, almost like a man in good health. His face +lengthened, his eyes filled with tears. He stretched out his hands, +which were trembling violently, as if to ward her off. + +"Go," he whispered. "Go!" + +Lilly did not stir. + +"If you don't go," he went on, excitement almost stifling his words, +"you will ruin your future. Young ladies do not visit unmarried men who +live the way I do--even if the man is their teacher and sick as I am. +Tell no one that you have been here, no friend, not a single human +being. Your livelihood depends upon your reputation. I cannot steal your +bread. _Please go._" + +"May I never come again?" Her eyes pled with him. + +"No!!" he shouted in a voice like riven iron. + +Lilly felt herself being shoved through the doorway. The key was turned +in the lock behind her. + + * * * * * + +She disobeyed his injunction that very hour. She ran to Rosalie Katz, +her friend _du jour_, to confess everything and relieve her feelings in +tears. The little brown Jewess had a soft heart and was also head over +heels in love with her teacher, and so the girls wept together. + +But they had forgotten to lock the door, and thus it happened that Mr. +Katz, whose wealth and social position found pictorial expression in a +round paunch, and whose waistcoat buttons consequently were always +coming loose, entered his daughter's room to have one sewed on. + +When he discovered the girls in tearful embrace, he discreetly retired. +But the instant Lilly had left the house, he extracted all the completer +a confession from his daughter. He learned the story of the sick +teacher, the abortive committee meetings, and the futile meringues +glaces. + +"Well, we can fix that," he said with a smirk, twirling the very thin +watch chain--heavy watch chains were worn only by those among the grain +merchants who had remained below on the social scale--which branched out +to the right and to the left from the third buttonhole of his waistcoat. + +A week later Dr. Maelzer received a registered letter from two strangers +informing him that means had been found to enable him to make a lengthy +sojourn in the south. All he needed to do was obtain leave of absence +and draw the first payment at the office of Goldbaum, Katz & Co. + +He departed on a cold, crisp October evening. The faculty accompanied +him to the station. Lilly and Rosalie, who had learned the time of his +leaving at papa Katz's office, also were present, but they kept +themselves in the background. + +He glided past them muffled in a thick scarf, his fiery eyes turned upon +the distance. + +When the train left, the two girls flung themselves into each other's +arms and wept for love and pride. + +On their way home Rosalie invited her friend to have an eclair with +her, for it had grown too cold for meringues glaces. + +Half an hour later they were sitting in the confectionery shop smiling +at each other and looking at the pictures in the illustrated papers. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +With the advent of spring a new and gayer existence began for Mrs. +Czepanek. + +He was soon coming, that was certain. But even if the time was short, +why spend it over that disgusting sewing? There was a less wearing way +of making a living. + +The thing was simple enough--rent an apartment of nine rooms, buy the +furniture on credit, and have a plate hung on the outside of the house +inscribed: "Board and Lodging for Students." As for the rest, well, a +way would be found. + +This little set of thoughts took exclusive possession of Mrs. Czepanek's +poor brain, riddled like a sieve by the incessant whirr of the +sewing-machine. + +Though such a careless existence appealed to Lilly's fancy, she +harboured some small doubts. In the first place the clamouring, +threatening duns that had besieged their home after papa's departure +were still fresh in her shuddering memory. Then she did not see quite +clearly where so many students, enough to fill a nine-room apartment, +were suddenly to come from after the beginning of the summer semester, +since all had secured quarters already. + +But her mother would listen to no objections. + +"I will go to the directors, I will go to the mayor, I will--" and the +attic room resounded with the new triumphant, "I will--" + +Now began a series of mysterious expeditions. Frequently, when Lilly +returned from school, she could tell at the bottom of the stairs that +the machine, whose industrious clatter had greeted her for years, was at +a standstill, and she would find the key to the room under the door-mat. + +As the time drew near for the great event, the mother became more +taciturn. A crafty smile lay on her face, which, but for an admixture of +scorn, was like the smile parents wear before Christmas. She painted her +cheeks more carefully than ever, and the jar of rouge, which previously +she had kept locked away from Lilly, reposed unabashed on the top of the +chest. + +But money grew rapidly scarcer. Lilly had to give up every minute she +could spare from school work to make up for her mother's remissness, +while Mrs. Czepanek went about calculating and speculating. She put her +foot to the treadle only on rare occasions, when Lilly pled with her +urgently. The delivery of finished articles became more and more +irregular, and the two women were in danger of losing their entire means +of subsistence. + +Lilly's vast hoard of youthful strength threatened to give out. Yet this +did not cause her overmuch concern. + +"Something'll turn up," she thought. + +If only she could have gotten one good night's rest, instead of lying +dressed on the edge of the bed from two to six in the morning, she would +not have grudged her mother her youthful intoxication born of young +hopes. + +Lilly sat in school with tired, reddened eyes, a filmy veil between her +and the world, between her and the thoughts she was expected to think. +Her teachers began to find fault with her. + +It was high time for the new life to begin. + +It began on a hot, drab July day. + +On returning from school Lilly saw two waggons standing outside the door +loaded with furniture smelling of fresh varnish. Even before she set +foot on the lowest step she could hear her mother's shrill voice +apparently raised in altercation with strangers. + +Lilly ran upstairs, her heart beating fast. Two drivers wearing black +leather aprons were standing there, one with a bill in his hand +demanding money. A look of amusement was on their red faces. Mrs. +Czepanek was tripping to and fro, running her fingers through her +freshly-curled hair and screaming all sorts of things about rascality +and broken promises and grinding down the poor. Whereupon the men +laughed, and said they'd like to get back home that day. + +This set Mrs. Czepanek off completely. She tried to snatch the bill from +the man's hand. He refused to give it up, and she set to pummelling him +with her fists. + +Lilly sprang between them, caught hold of her mother, who fought +desperately, and called to the men to leave, telling them everything +would be arranged. So the men took themselves off. + +Her mother's wrath now descended upon Lilly. + +"If you hadn't come," she screamed, "I would have gotten hold of the +receipt, and everything would have been all right. Now I have to go +there to-morrow again, while if you hadn't mixed in, the furniture could +have been unpacked in the new apartment this very day." + +"What new apartment?" + +Mrs. Czepanek laughed. How could Lilly be so stupid? Did she think her +mother had been going about idle all that time? + +Then everything was revealed. The nine-room apartment had already been +rented, and all they needed to do was move in. Even the plate had +already been made. When hung it would act like magic. So much for the +outside. But hadn't she self-sacrificingly strained every nerve on the +inside equipment, too? She wasn't going to describe the furniture, for +it might make her angry again, but-- + +She had bought curtains for twelve windows--the pattern a Chinese lady +and a palm leaf. And six rugs, good ones, because students usually have +a pretty heavy tramp, and cheap stuff would wear out like chiffon. Big +English wash basins with gold flowers, the pattern exactly matching the +pattern of the ten stands. Unfortunately the dishes were not ready for +delivery because it always took three or four weeks to have the monogram +burnt in. But they would have to have something to eat from, so for the +meantime she had bought a cheaper set--for eighteen people--everything +thoroughly refined and respectable. She had been very clever and very +careful in the entire matter. + +While engaged in this description, Mrs. Czepanek walked about the +centre-table with long shambling steps. Her small eyes, with the traces +of many sleepless hours upon them, glistened and gleamed, and beneath +the false glowed the genuine red on her haggard cheeks. + +Lilly, who was beginning to be a bit uneasy, ventured to inquire +concerning the payments. Her mother simply laughed at her. + +"You are either a lady and impress the tradespeople, or you are not a +lady. I think that I, the wife of Kilian Czepanek, conductor of the +singing society, am thoroughly entitled to be treated with respect." + +"Are the things at the apartment?" + +Mrs. Czepanek laughed again. + +"What should I do with them before the apartment is in order? Apartments +have to be freshly painted and papered." Then with the graceful gesture +which only the ability to pay bestows upon a person, she added: "I was +especially careful in selecting the wall-paper to get artistic +patterns." + +Lilly had a sickish feeling. It was like being in doubt as to whether or +not your schoolmates were teasing you. + +Added to all the other annoyances nothing had been gotten for dinner. + +Lilly set the coffee on to boil and put the afternoon rolls on the +table. Well, then, they would simply skip a meal again. The two +Czepaneks had grown nimble in that sort of skipping. + +The mother hastily gulped down the hot drink. No time must be lost, she +said, they would have to get at the packing. + +At this point she was seized by another attack of fury. + +"Hadn't you held my hands, you good-for-nothing, you," she screamed, "we +should have had that lovely furniture in its place by to-morrow morning. +As it is, we shall have to move in with all this trash. What _will_ the +people say when they see it?" + +She tore at her artificial curls and despairingly brandished the +bread-knife, with which she was slicing her roll. + +Then she turned up the sleeves of her blouse, and said the packing +should begin. + +She emptied the wardrobe and piled the clothes over the bottom of the +bed. The underwear and linen, the contents of their linen chest, she +sent flying over the floor. + +The sinews of her withered arms jerked, the sweat trickled down her +forehead. + +Lilly, watching the aimless pother with an oppressed feeling at her +heart, noticed the score of the Song of Songs, the home's greatest +treasure, lying on the floor, heedlessly thrown there by her mother +along with nightgowns and bed-clothes. + +She stooped to pick it up. + +"What are you after with the Song of Songs?" screamed the mother. She +had been kneeling, and now jumped to her feet. + +"Nothing," said Lilly in surprise. "I was just going to put it on the +table." + +"You lie," the mother screeched, "you low-down thing. You want to steal +it, the way you stole the receipt. I'll spoil your little game for you." + +Lilly suddenly saw a gleaming something pass before her eyes, and felt a +pain at her throat, felt something warm spread soothingly down to her +left breast. + +Not until her mother prepared for a second thrust did Lilly realise it +was the bread-knife she was holding in her hand. She uttered a piercing +scream, and grasped her mother's wrist. + +But the mother had developed giant strength, and Lilly would probably +have succumbed in the struggle that ensued, had not the noise they made +drawn the neighbours to the spot. + +Mrs. Czepanek was caught from behind, and bound with handkerchiefs. She +held the bread-knife in a tight clutch, which the strongest man could +not relax, and did not drop it until an opiate had been administered by +the physician who had hurried to the scene. + +Lilly's wound was dressed, and she was taken to the hospital, where she +remained temporarily, because they did not know what else to do with +her. While at the hospital she learned that her mother had been placed +in the district insane asylum, and in all likelihood would never come +out of it again. + +Lilly was left alone in the world. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +"Well, young lady," said Mr. Pieper, the prominent lawyer, "I have been +appointed your guardian. I accepted the office because I thought it my +duty--the papers in Lemke _vs._ Militzky," he interrupted himself to +call to his managing clerk, who had just then entered. "What was I going +to say? Oh, yes. Because I thought it my duty, despite my being an +extremely busy man--to assist widows and orphans to the best of my +feeble ability." + +He passed his exquisitely cherished left hand over his shining bald pate +and straw-coloured beard, beneath which a worldly mouth half concealed +an epicurean smile. + +"My wards all make their way in the world," he continued. "It's my pride +to have them succeed. The way they do it--well, that's my affair, a +business secret, so to say. I am convinced, my child, that you, too, +will get along. If I didn't think so, I should not be so interested in +you probably. The first thing is to get the young ladies the right +positions. The homely ones give most trouble, unless they happen to +possess a certain measure of self-abnegation. It pays them to assume the +so-called Christian virtues. But of course you don't belong in that +category--you probably know it yourself--I tell you merely that you may +learn with time to make demands. I must explain--the main art in life is +to determine the boundary line between demands justifiable and demands +unjustifiable. That is, you must have a feeling for exactly how far your +powers will reach in each circumstance as it arises. A girl like you--" + +The managing clerk, a tall, bony fellow, suddenly appeared at the +lawyer's side shoving a bundle of documents at him. + +"At four o'clock the Labischin divorce case. At quarter past five +Reimann--Reimann _vs._ Fassbender--get everything ready, and have +someone here to accompany this young lady--the papers will tell you +where. That will do." + +The managing clerk vanished. + +"Well," Lilly's guardian resumed, "the time I have to spare for you is +nearly gone. You cannot continue with your schooling, that's plain. +There's no money for it. But even if you had the means, I'm not certain +whether in view of your future--however, a governess may make a +brilliant match--it sometimes occurs, chiefly, to be sure, in English +novels--but there's the danger, too, that you might--excuse me for the +word--on the spur of the moment I can't think of another--besides, it's +the right one--that you might be seduced. What I'd rather see you than +anything else is the lady in a large photographic establishment who +receives customers. But it seems to me you haven't enough +self-confidence as yet for that. One must make a deep impression at +first sight, because people who leave an order have to have some +inducement for coming back to call for their pictures. I've selected +something else for you, for the purpose more of giving you a short +period of trial than of providing you with a permanent position. +It's in a circulating library. It will give you plenty of +opportunity--discreetly, you know--not to hide your light under a +bushel. The remuneration, I need scarcely say, will be moderate--free +board and lodging and twenty marks a month. You will have a chance to +let your fancy--I suppose you're not yet _blase_--let your fancy roam at +will in the fields of general literature. There you are, young lady! +Mercy on us! Why are you crying?" + +Lilly quickly dried the tears from her eyes and cheeks. + +"I've just come from the hospital," was the only excuse she could find. +"I'm still a little--I beg your pardon." + +The prominent lawyer shook his head. His bald spot looked as petted and +pampered as a lovely woman's cheeks. + +"You must get out of the habit of crying, too, if you want to make your +way in the world. Tears are not in place until you are 'settled.' Oh, +yes, something else--the things your poor mother owned must be sold. The +proceeds will serve as a small capital. I lay stress on having such a +sum, no matter how insignificant. Now you will go back to your home with +my man--the key was deposited at my office--and select what you think +you absolutely need or"--he smiled a little--"what filial devotion leads +you to prize. Good-by, my dear. In six months come to me again." + +Lilly felt a cool, soft hand, which seemed incapable of bestowing a +pressure, lie in her own for an instant; then she found herself +staggering down the dark steps behind a clerk who had been waiting for +her outside the door with the key to her home. + +She wanted to speak to him, ask him questions, beg him for something. +But for what? She herself knew not. + +When the clerk opened up the musty room, where the twilight was broken +by shafts of light, as in a tomb, the tomb of her life, the tomb of her +youth, Lilly felt that now everything was over and all left her was to +fall asleep here and die. + +The clerk threw the shutters back and raised the windows. + +The clothes were still lying on the bed, the underwear and bed-linen on +the floor, and close by were two brown stains, the blood that had +flowed from her wound. The knife, too, was still there. + +Lilly restrained her desire to cry, shamed by the presence of the clerk, +who stood there stupidly, whistling, with his lower lip thrust out. + +Lilly threw her clothes into the basket-trunk which her mother had +intended to use in moving to the nine-room apartment, added a few pieces +of underwear and some books chosen at random, and then looked around for +mementos. Her brain was befogged. She saw everything and recognised +nothing. But there on the table, there, bound with rubber bands, soaked +in her blood, untouched because no one knew its value, lay the Song of +Songs. + +Lilly snatched it up, shut down the trunk lid, and with the score under +her arm, stepped out into the new life, hungry for experience. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +Mrs. Asmussen's two daughters had run away from home again. The whole +neighbourhood knew it. Lilly had scarcely set foot in the dusky room +smelling of dust and leather, where soiled volumes on pine shelves +reached to the ceiling, when she, too, became acquainted with the fact. + +Mrs. Asmussen was a dignified dame, whom nature had endowed with +gracious rotundity. She received Lilly at the entrance to her +circulating library, and amid kisses and tears declared that even before +seeing Lilly she had conceived a love for her such as she would cherish +for a child of her own; and now that she had met her face to face she +was completely bewitched. + +"And people speak of the cold world," thought Lilly, whom this sort of +reception pleased very well. + +"What did I say--a child of my _own_? Nonsense! I love you more, much +more, ever and ever and ever so much more. Daughters are venomous +serpents, on whom love is wasted. They are parasites to be torn from +one's breast--torn--" + +She stopped because the stupid clerk, who had accompanied Lilly in a +cab, was shoving her trunk over the threshold. After he left Mrs. +Asmussen continued: + +"Do you think I loved my daughters, or didn't love them? Did I, or did I +not, say to them every day: 'Your father's a blackguard, a cur, and may +the devil take him'? How do you think they rewarded me? One morning I +get up and find they're gone--mind you, absolutely gone--beds empty--and +a note on the table: 'We're going to father. You beat us too much, and +we're sick and tired of that eternal mush.' Look at me, my dear. Am I +not goodness itself? Do I look as if I could beat _any_body, much less +my own daughters? And do you suppose this is the first time they did it, +the first time they overwhelmed me with shame and disgrace in the eyes +of the whole world? What would you say if I were to tell you it's the +_third_ time--twice before I pardoned them and took them to my bosom. I +found them lying outside my door in tears and rags. Yes, yes, that's the +way it was, that's the way it is, the way it is. But if they dare to +return _again_, here's a broom, here, look, behind the door--I put it +there the instant I found out they had gone, and there it will remain +until I take hold of it and beat them out, beat them out through the +door to the street, this way, this way, this way--" + +With a gesture of ineffable disgust Mrs. Asmussen swept an invisible +something through the hall, and let it lie outside, giving it a look of +unspeakable contempt. + +"The poor, poor woman," thought Lilly. "How she must have suffered!" And +she registered a silent vow to do her utmost to replace the faithless +children in the abandoned mother's heart. + +At this point a young man entered, a customer, who wanted to exchange a +book. He asked for one of Zola's works, and looked at Lilly +triumphantly, as if to say, "You see, that's the kind I am!" + +Mrs. Asmussen went to fetch the book, shaking her head softly in +deprecation. The customer took it hastily without paying the least +attention to the look of warning with which she handed it to him. + +"Look, my dear," she said after he left, "that's the way youth goes to +its ruin, and I myself am condemned to point the way." + +"How?" queried Lilly, who had been listening with the keenest interest. + +"Do you know what's inside an apothecary's shop?" + +Lilly said she had often been in an apothecary's shop, but could not +itemise the contents. + +Her mistress continued: + +"One closet is marked 'Poisons.' It contains the most awful poisons +mankind knows. That's why it's always locked and only the owner and his +assistant may have the key to it. Now look about you. Half of what you +see here is poison, too. Everything written these days vitiates the soul +and lures it to its destruction. Yet I must keep the wicked books, and +though my heart bleeds I must hand them over to any and everybody who +asks for them. Oh, I need but to think of my undutiful daughters. No use +my telling them not to--they read at any rate. They read and read the +whole night long, and when they were crammed full of impudence and +corruption, they didn't like the food I prepared for them, and all they +wanted to do was to go out walking. On top of it all they went sneaking +off to their father, that miserable cur, that common cheat, that +pock-marked scum of the earth. Child, I warn you against that man. +Should you ever meet him, lift your skirts and spit, the way I'm +spitting now." + +Lilly shuddered at the man's frightful vileness, but took some courage +in the thought that she had found her natural protector in this +excellent woman. + +An hour later they went to supper, which consisted of mush and +sandwiches, with nothing but clarified fat between. Lilly, whose palate +had not been pampered, was easily persuaded that nobody in the world +knew how to prepare such dainty mush, and that the emperor himself was +seldom served with more delicious sandwiches. Had a little ham been +added to the repast, such as she had gotten for supper every evening at +the hospital, the acme of earthly enjoyments in her opinion would have +been attained. + +Going to bed provided her with another pleasure. The books of the +circulating library were kept in a large room with three windows, +divided into four compartments by two bookcases running from the +windowed wall deep into the room and by a counter opposite the door +leading into the hall. A passageway along the wall dividing the library +from the inner room was the only means of getting from one compartment +to another. + +When bedtime came Mrs. Asmussen had Lilly carry to the compartment +farthest from the hall door two bench-like pieces of furniture and mount +a spring-mattress on them. This completely blocked the space crosswise, +so that, to get into bed, Lilly had to jump over the bottom rail of the +benches. She thought it great sport. + +Wedged in between perpendicular bookcases, the window-sill at her head, +a chair holding her impedimenta at her feet, the Song of Songs clasped +in her arms, Lilly fell asleep. + +The next morning her apprenticeship began. + +Lilly was instructed as to the system according to which the thousands +of volumes were ranged on the shelves. As she knew her A B C's, she +would have been able to fetch any book from its place at the end of five +minutes if only Mrs. Asmussen had followed her own scheme and not +produced utter confusion by disposing the books arbitrarily. + +Still harder a task was finding records in the large ledger. Here, too, +the plan was supposed to be alphabetic; but some customers filled the +space allotted to them more rapidly than others, and when there was no +more room Mrs. Asmussen had simply turned to the next blank page +regardless of alphabetic succession. The result was such a jumble that +finally neither Mrs. Asmussen nor her decamped daughters knew where to +look for what they wanted. + +Inspired by holy zeal Lilly began the great task of getting order out of +chaos. This constituted her entire life. + +The very day after her arrival Mrs. Asmussen provided her with some +singular experiences. + +During the working hours the worthy dame had for the most part kept out +of sight. When Lilly went in for supper she found her mistress dreamily +inclined over a steaming cup of tea in a room pervaded by a pleasant +aroma of lemon and rum. + +"I suffer very much from a catarrhal affection of the mucous lining of +my nose," explained Mrs. Asmussen, blinking at Lilly with somewhat +watery grey eyes. "So I must take some medicine which one of the most +eminent physicians in the city prescribed for me." + +Lilly stirred her mush while Mrs. Asmussen sipped tea, every now and +then giving vent to a distressed sigh. + +"Have I told you about my daughters?" + +"Oh, certainly," said Lilly, respectfully. + +In the morning, too, Mrs. Asmussen had spoken of scarcely anything but +those miserable creatures and the contemptible wretch they called +father. + +"I don't think it's possible for you to get even a remote conception of +the charm of those two girls. They are my own flesh and blood, and +modesty should forbid me to speak of them this way. However, from a +purely objective point of view, I may say that never, never in the wide +world have I ever seen, even from afar, two young ladies endowed with +such striking qualities of mind and character. Such tender filial +devotion, such self-sacrificing industry, such touching modesty, so much +genuine feeling in all the small relations of life, such quiet strength +in the judgment of great questions, have never before, I warrant, been +united in two such youthful souls. Let them be an example to you, my +child. You are far removed, far, far removed from those models of +maidenhood." + +In her astonishment and shame Lilly dropped her spoon. The old lady went +on: + +"It was with a bleeding heart that I had to part from them. As for them, +they cried day and night before leaving me. But what was to be done? +They had to go to their father. Have I ever told you about my splendid +husband? An untoward destiny has separated us, but his love, I know, +clings to me, and I will love him all the days of my life. Oh, what a +man he was! My child, pray to the Lord that he may make you worthy to +become the wife of such a man. Alas, I was not worthy, no, not I!" + +Two tears of infinite contrition ran down her cheeks. + +She related a good deal more on this second evening concerning the +virtues of her two daughters, her husband's nobility of character, and +her own unworthiness. + +After she had taken several more doses of the medicine prescribed by one +of the most eminent physicians of the city, she finally wept herself to +sleep. + +The next morning she began the day's work by bursting into a rage +because Lilly had used the broom, which was to remain undisturbed behind +the door, for sweeping the library. + +"This broom is here for only one purpose--to beat those two monsters +when they come to my door. And if you, wretched creature, take hold of +it once again, you will be the first to make its acquaintance." + +Lilly now began to divine that the strange world was not so roseate as +her eagerness for experience had led her to picture it. + +But worse was to come. + +Mrs. Asmussen, who seemed to be greatly concerned for the salvation of +Lilly's soul and the purity of her virgin fancy, immediately forbade her +to read any of the books in the library. + +"Experience with my daughters," she said, "taught me where such +misconduct leads. And I will see to it that you are spared a similar +fate." + +So long as the work of ordering the books and the ledger continued, the +temptation to disobey this mandate did not arise very frequently. But +when fall came, when despite increase of custom, unoccupied hours grew +more frequent, and the lamp hanging over the counter shone invitingly, +when Mrs. Asmussen from day to day succumbed earlier to the effects of +the medicine prescribed by one of the most eminent physicians in the +city, and fell into an untroubled dream existence, curiosity and +loneliness drove Lilly irresistibly on to commit the sinful deed. + +The final impulse was given by a girl of about her own age, who had come +one rainy October evening to exchange the first volume of a novel for +the second. But the second had been loaned already, and the girl +actually cried in disappointment. She couldn't bear waiting, she said. +She _had_ to know how the story ended. She would _die_ if she didn't. + +Lilly good-humouredly advised her to go to one of the other circulating +libraries, which were said to be larger and more aristocratic. She even +returned the three marks deposit for use at the other place. Happy in +reawakened hopes the novel-reader left. + +Lilly examined the torn and soiled volume on all sides and took a +cautious peep between the covers. + +"_Soll und Haben_, by Gustav Freytag," was on the title page. She +recalled that even the girls of the first year high school had gone into +raptures over the book. But the seamstress's daughter had had no time +for reading novels. + +Lilly glanced timidly at the first page, then slipped to the glass door +and listened for a while to Mrs. Asmussen's peaceful breathing--now, +with sails spread, she launched forth on the high seas of romance. + +When she finished the volume at four o'clock in the morning she could +have torn her hair in sheer desperation at having so lightly put the +sequel into the hands of some stranger, who might not bring it back. She +mapped out ways and means of unearthing his name and address and +slipping to him secretly in order to hasten the return of the book. Then +she fell asleep. + +She spent hours going over the ledger time and again to find the name. +In vain! The entries were made by numbers, not by titles, and each time +she skipped the number of _Soll und Haben_. + +So, like a toper who seeks intoxication in a new drink, she greedily +devoured another book. + +From now on Lilly's life was one great orgy, and bore all the marks of +such an existence--blurred eyes, aching limbs, huge bills for midnight +oil, and spying and lying every few minutes to allay Mrs. Asmussen's +suspicions. + +One winter morning the dreadful crime came to light. + +The fire in the library stove would die out about midnight and Lilly's +feet would then grow cold. So she got into the habit of reading in bed, +with the lamp, which she removed from its hanging socket, set on the +broad window-sill directly back of her head. She indulged in the luxury +even though reduced to the bitter necessity of getting out of bed later +to replace both the lamp and the book, for nowadays Mrs. Asmussen was +frequently at her post earlier in the morning than Lilly. But Lilly, for +the sake of the few extra hours thus gained, would not have been +deterred from allowing herself this great joy, even if it had involved +going out on the icy street in her nightgown. + +But once she started up from sleep in terror to find Mrs. Asmussen +standing at the bottom of the bed all dressed. A black strap lay across +her white shirt, and the lamp, which she had gotten up at one o'clock to +refill, was still burning behind her. + +Never having been beaten in her life, she refused at first to take it +seriously when Mrs. Asmussen, despite her corpulence, suddenly jumped +over the bottom of the bed and squatted on the covers like a great +turkey and began to strike her over the ears with the black strap. + +Bad times set in. + +Of what avail that Lilly felt genuinely repentant and swore to herself +to reform. She was so steeped in the new passion, so absorbed by that +lovelier existence, where people experienced and loved, suffered and +enjoyed, where there were no pert servant girls who came to exchange +books, no wet umbrellas, no second volumes loaned out, no ledger numbers +not to be found, no mush, and no blows, that she could not have returned +to her former self had she had the self-renunciatory ability of a martyr +and saint. + +To such an extent was she dominated by her fancy that what was her +actual existence, moving on from day to day in monotonous prison-like +loneliness, seemed to her a dream, an oppressive death stupour, +painless, but also pleasureless. Her being did not expand in real life +until the sticky pages of a novel began to rustle in her hand. + +Intimidated and unresisting as she was, she did not find the courage to +justify what was holiest to her even in her own eyes. She felt it to be +a sin on which her hungry soul fed as on manna. + +Mrs. Asmussen had bethought herself of a diabolic way of still further +humiliating Lilly. Like many a believing Protestant, she regarded +religion solely as a scourge. Hitherto she had not shown the least +solicitude concerning Lilly's piety, but now she began each meal with a +long prayer of repentance, and while the steam curled invitingly from +the soup tureen, she would beseech God with sighs and tears to raise +Lilly from the depths to which she had sunk. + +And woe to Lilly if caught backsliding! + +That first chastisement was not the last. Every pretext was seized for +beating and cuffing her. Storms of abuse showered down on her +unprotected head. She did not dare breathe until the medicine prescribed +by the eminent physician began to have its soothing effect. + +Then she would pounce on the first book she came across, and amid the +forging of signatures and broken marriage vows, amid death by poisoning +and the mad acts of love, she would suffer and triumph, triumph and die, +blissful in her sufferings, intoxicated to the very end. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +It was on a March afternoon, when the sun was shining with young +impertinence and the heat was untimely. + +The black slabs of snow at the edge of the pavement had melted into +gleaming puddles, and a sparkling shower fell from the icicles clinging +to the roofs. Over to the south-west the red evening glow lay spread on +the house fronts like gay rugs separated by an oblique line from the +shadow of the walls on the near side. The window-panes glowed as if they +were suns radiating their own light, and the sparrows chased one another +along the dripping eaves. + +But best of all in this sorry spring of city streets was the rare spicy +smell of thawing. Even the vapours rising from the gutters, now running +again, gave an inkling of greening meadows and bursting boughs. + +Lilly, who had gone out on hardly more than three occasions the whole +winter, sat behind the counter and looked through the window longingly. + +Everywhere she saw that windows and doors had been opened wide, +everywhere breasts hungering for air greedily drew in the breath of +coming spring. So she, too, opened the casement wide and gave the door +to the hall a push, which sent it flying back and knocked down the +broom, standing at its post, as always. + +Through the open doorway she could see into the parlour of the tenant +who lived on the other side of the hall and who, likewise, had flung +back his door for spring to enter. + +She saw a cherry-red sofa with embroidered antimacassars symmetrically +plastered on its old-fashioned scroll arms. She saw framed wreaths of +dried flowers with inscriptions hanging on the walls; she saw an +artillery officer's helmet and two swords with sword-knots crossed +beneath. She saw China lions serving as cigar holders, ladies in dancing +attitudes holding tallow candles, photographs of family groups with +peacock feathers stuck behind, a spherical aquarium containing gold +fish, and a spotted goat skin. Amid all these comfortable-looking +knick-knacks she saw a young man walking up and down with a book in his +hand murmuring studiously. He would appear and reappear in the field of +vision allowed by the hall door. + +This young man awakened Lilly's sympathy at the very first glance. + +He wore his waving light hair brushed from his forehead in free and easy +fashion, and carried his head boldly erect. His brown and lilac necktie +seemed to her aristocratic perfection. + +She passed in review all her favourite heroes to see which of them he +most resembled. After some wavering she finally decided he came nearest +to Herr von Fink, the rogue in _Soll und Haben_. + +Since the young man did not notice her, she could study him at leisure. +Each time he appeared she felt a warm wave pour over her body, and when +he remained away too long by the fraction of a second, she experienced a +sensation of nausea, as if some one were trying to cheat her of a dear +possession. + +This continued until once he looked up from his book, became aware of +the open door to the circulating library with the young lady on the +other side observing him, started in dismay, and quickly stepped back to +the invisible part of the room. + +The next time he came into view he had assumed a conscious and studied +manner. He looked at his book a little too closely and moved his lips +one degree too zealously, while a severe frown clouded his countenance. + +Lilly, too, had found it necessary somewhat to improve the picture she +presented. She smoothed her hair, which she wore parted Madonna fashion, +and let her arm droop over the side of the chair in idle dreaminess. + +Some maids, who had come to exchange books for their mistresses, put an +end to this dual posing. On leaving they closed the door and Lilly did +not venture to open it again. + +But that night she carried the vision of the new hero into her dreams. + +It was too late in the day to speak to Mrs. Asmussen, who was now in the +habit of preparing her medicine some time before the evening meal. The +next morning, however, she seemed to be in a gracious humour, and Lilly +felt emboldened to make a few inquiries concerning the neighbours, of +whom she knew practically nothing. + +"What are the neighbours to you, Miss Inquisitive?" + +Such was the tone of intercourse that had developed from the first state +of enchantment. + +Lilly took heart, and concocted a story of a steady customer who had +asked about the neighbours the day before, and Lilly had not been able +to give any information. + +Mrs. Asmussen, who cherished boundless respect for the customers' +wishes, forthwith became communicative. + +They were two very good people, but of low station, with whom she, Mrs. +Asmussen, a woman of greater aristocracy both of mind and heart, could +not, of course, associate. The man, a sergeant out of service, was clerk +in some office, and the woman sewed neckwear for a living. + +Lilly blushed. She recalled the brown and lilac tie, the sheen of which +had been dazzling her eyes since the day before. + +An idea might be obtained of the vulgar existence those plebeians led, +Mrs. Asmussen continued, if one knew they considered potato soup with +sliced sausage in it a festal delicacy, whereas anyone with refined +tastes would shudder at the mere thought. + +Lilly, who, like the good-for-nothing daughters, had long lost her joy +in the daily mush, could not quite sympathise with this statement. On +the contrary, she felt her mouth watering, and in order to change the +subject quickly she timidly inquired whether anyone else was living next +door. + +"Not that I know of," replied Mrs. Asmussen. "But there's a son. He goes +to high school. I don't know why such people have their sons study." + +"I know," thought Lilly. "Because he's one of the elect, because genius +shines in his eyes, because destiny has marked him to be a ruler on +earth." + +That afternoon she kept the door open. But it had turned bitter cold, +and the idea of friendly reciprocation occurred to nobody next door. + +After an hour spent in studying the oval door plate on which was +inscribed: + + L. Redlich + Please ring hard, + +she found herself under the necessity of closing the door, because her +legs were depending from her body like icicles and she had the +humiliating consciousness of being scorned. + +Henceforth she kept on the watch for one o'clock, when the students +living in the house returned from school. Holding her forehead pressed +against the window-pane, she could recognise at an inconceivable +distance the blue and white rimmed caps worn by high school students. + +When he came up the steps leading to the porch in front of the house, +she slipped behind the curtain, and in a joyous tremour caught the +shamed, sidelong glance he sent her. If he looked straight ahead she was +unhappy and afraid she had hurt his feelings. + +Other blue and white rimmed caps besides his entered the house. They +belonged to friends who came to cram with him. + +Lilly loved them all. She felt she was a secret member of the union of +these young souls who were going to storm the world, and when they +seated themselves in the room she took her invisible place in the +circle. + +Some of them Lilly recognised, not by their features, because they +passed her too quickly for that, but by their caps, which she +distinguished accurately. There was the "sad one," the "washed-out one," +the "stylish one" and the "wireless one." She could also recognise their +walk and the manner in which they rang the bell at the opposite door. +Even if occupied with customers, she could tell, without having looked +through the window, exactly how many and which of the friends were +working with young Redlich, and she would revolve in her mind why this +or that one had not come that day. + +Spring advanced. The inmates of the house began occasionally to sit on +the front porch, where there were benches on either side of the door. + +Before leaving, the young gentlemen would remain there a while chatting, +and now and then He would lean over the railing in the twilight, +dreaming, no doubt, of future conquests. + +With fluttering heart Lilly would stand behind a bookcase where she had +cunningly contrived an observatory for herself by removing a number of +books, and from there read the world-stirring thoughts that lay on the +bold soaring forehead. + +The benches on the right side of the porch, in front of the windows of +the circulating library, generally remained unoccupied, because Mrs. +Asmussen, to whom this side belonged, preferred not to desert her +evening medicine, and Lilly lacked courage to ask for permission to sit +there by herself. + +But one evening in May, when dark blue clouds hung in the heavens shot +with red, enticing rather than threatening, when the streets were so +quiet that Lilly could hear the distant plashing of the fountain in the +market-place, when the only stir was created by swallows darting hither +and thither, she could no longer stand the library's pasty, leathery +smell, and fetching her embroidery--more for show than from eagerness to +sew--she went out to sit on the porch. + +She knew he had gone out and was not in the habit of remaining away +after ten o'clock. + +So he would be bound to pass her at all events. + +Half an hour went by, another half hour, then a quarter of an hour. +Finally she saw a blue and white cap come swinging down the street in +the last glow of evening. + +Her first thought was to run into the library with all possible speed. +But she was ashamed of the idea, and remained seated. + +He came, he saw her, he raised his cap and went in. + +She thought gleefully: + +"Well, he bowed at last." + +At the end of scarcely ten minutes he reappeared on the scene, seated +himself on the bench belonging to _his_ side of the house, toyed with +pebbles, whistled softly, and acted altogether as if he did not see +her. + +Lilly sat in her corner with her face turned aside, rolling and +unrolling her embroidery, and every now and then fetching a little sigh, +not to show her love--oh, certainly not!--but because her breath came +short. + +About half an hour passed in this fashion and Lilly was beginning to +lose all hope of a rapprochement, when all of a sudden he said, half +raising his cap: + +"The front door, I believe, is soon going to be closed, Miss." + +"Impossible!" she cried, feigning lively astonishment. But if she were +to act on the suggestion implied in his words her chance of at last +becoming acquainted with him would certainly be lost, and she added in a +tone lighter than accorded with her mood: "But it doesn't matter. The +window is open." + +He uttered, + +"H'm, h'm." + +Whether in agreement or blame she could not determine, and the +conversation would have come to a standstill without fail had not Lilly +made an effort to keep the ball rolling. + +"We are neighbours, aren't we?" she asked. + +He jumped from his seat and with a sweep of his cap describing a +semicircle between his head and his trousers' pocket, he said: + +"Permit me to introduce myself. Fritz Redlich, senior in the high +school." + +Lilly once more experienced the reverential thrill that used to pass +through her soul when she was in the Selecta and the last year class of +the boys' high school was mentioned. The fact was suddenly borne in upon +her that now she was nothing better than a shop girl, and she grew hot +with shame at the thought. + +But she would not have it that her glorious past was to have been lived +in vain. + +"I was in the Selecta. I left last autumn," she said, "and I got to know +some of you then." + +"Whom?" he asked eagerly. + +Lilly mentioned the names of two young men who had fluttered about her +at the skating-rink, and asked whether he knew them. + +"Certainly not," he answered with scorn, which did not seem wholly +sincere. "They loaf too much for fellows like us, and they're going to +join a students' corps. We don't do that sort of thing." + +Silence ensued. + +It had now grown so dark that Lilly could see only the outline of his +figure as he idly leaned against the corner post of the balustrade. + +Fine drops of rain fell and lay in her hair. She could have remained +there forever with the dark youthful form before her searching eyes and +spring's blessing lying cool on her head. + +"You are engaged here in the circulating library?" he asked. + +Lilly said "Yes," and was grateful to him for the elegant word +"engaged," which seemed somewhat to improve her position. + +"And you are preparing for the examinations?" she inquired in turn. + +"In autumn--if everything goes well," he answered with a sigh. + +"Then you are going out into the wide, wide world," she said with the +rapt expression that girls adopt in compositions. "Going out to fight +your way through life. Oh, how I envy you!" + +"Why?" he asked in wonder. "Aren't you fighting your way through life +already?" + +Lilly burst out laughing. + +"Oh, if I were you," she cried, "what wouldn't I do--oh!" + +She exulted in her sensations. She felt her limbs stretching. She knew a +gleam of triumph was flashing in her eyes, a gleam which could not +triumph simply because it dissipated itself unseen in the dark. + +It was impossible for her, from sheer joy, to remain where she was. She +would have gone mad had she been compelled to stay there, formulating +stiff words, while everything in her cried out: + +"I love you." + +She bade him a hasty good-night and ran into the library, bolting the +door behind her. She ran up and down the narrow aisles between the +cases, laughing and sighing, raising her arms aloft like a priestess at +prayer, and knocking her elbows painfully against the shelves. + +A yearning for symphonies, for great sustained major chords, welled up +within her. She wanted to sing the Walhalla motif, but the Walhalla +motif cannot be sung. + +Suddenly an aria flitted through her mind, one of those songs which had +palpitated through her childhood, without conveying any meaning to her, +but which, for that very reason, had been the more purely consecrated. + + I sought him whom my soul loved, + I sought him, but I found him not. + I called him, + But he gave me no answer. + The watchman that went about the city found me. + They smote me, they wounded me. + The keepers of the walls took away my veil from me. + +She sang in a soft, uncertain voice, loud enough, however, to be heard +through the window. But when she peeped from her observatory to convince +herself that he was listening, she no longer saw him standing there. + +She sang louder and leaned out. She tore open her tight-fitting dress to +expose her bare breast to the rain drops. + +Then all of a sudden she was overcome by a feeling of wretchedness; why, +she did not know, but so strong it was she thought she would die of it. +She felt how the cruel watchers seized her; she felt the smart of the +wound which rude hands caused her; she felt how the veil was being torn +away which concealed from the eyes of the world the holy nakedness of +her body. In shameless nudity, yet weeping drops of blood for bitter +shame, she tottered through the streets, and sought and sought, yet _he_ +was farther off than ever. + +She sank on her knees at the window-sill, and pressing her face on its +edge, wept bitterly in sweet dark sympathy with that image of herself +straying through Jerusalem's nocturnal streets. + +Yet all this was sheer happiness! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +And the happiness endured. + +It nestled in the dusty corners, it perched on the bookshelves, it span +golden cobwebs from beam to beam, it rode on every ray of light +reflected from the windows opposite on the leather backs of the books. + +Wherever she went, Lilly was accompanied by a humming medley of +quivering tones, half motifs and snatches of melodies, strains from an +aeolian harp, the chirping of a cricket-on-the-hearth, the singing of a +boiling kettle, and the soft twittering of birds. + +Awake or asleep, she always heard it. + +Now and then a few measures of the Song of Songs joined in exultingly. + +Outwardly everything went along in the old ruts. Mrs. Asmussen was +sometimes sober, sometimes full of sweet drugs. Husband and daughters +rose and sank, sank and rose, through the entire gamut of ethical +appraisement, plunged one moment into the deepest pit of depravity, +exalted the next to the shining heights of apotheosis. One day a volume +of Gerstaecker was missing, another day a Balduin Moellhausen seemed to +have been sucked into the swamps of the Orinoco. + +Sometimes a puff of wind blowing through the window carried a little +cloud of yellow powder to the edges of the shelves, from which it was +wiped off like ordinary dust. Yet it conveyed a greeting from swaying +boughs in bloom, which was all this spring brought to Lilly, except for +a loads of lilacs carted past the library on their way to market. + +The young hero from the other side of the house had not approached her +again. + +She trembled whenever she heard him go down the steps, and twice a day +with beating heart she received his shy greeting--that was all. + +And he was not to be seen on the porch again. The digging and cramming +with the other young men lasted until late at night, and it was often +two o'clock before she heard their departing tread. + +Not until then would she throw herself in bed, where she lay staring +into the dusk of the summer night, her spirit roving over the world to +find _the_ throne worthy to serve as her hero's goal. She saw him a +general winning epoch-making battles in the open country, she saw him a +poet walking up the steps of the capitol to receive the laurel wreath, +she saw him an inventor soaring through the ether in the airship he +himself had perfected, she saw him the founder of a new religion--but +here she came to a terrified halt, for in her heart she had remained a +good Catholic. + +Under the oppression of bodily and spiritual castigation she had not +dared seek refuge in religion. Quickly enough the courage had gone from +her to ask Mrs. Asmussen for permission to visit St. Anne's early every +morning, and soon she had completely forgotten that such a thing as a +confession or a mass ever took place. + +Now, however, in the exuberance of her feelings, feelings such as she +had never before suspected, her longing for spiritual disburdenment grew +so strong that she decided to acknowledge her Catholicism to Mrs. +Asmussen and beg for the privilege to pray in that quiet corner where +St. Joseph, who had always been good to her, stood behind six +gold-encircled candles and smilingly shook his finger. + +In Lilly's avowal Mrs. Asmussen found an explanation of all her vices; +her sneakiness, her hypocrisy, her laziness, her lack of a sense of +order. Mrs. Asmussen, therefore, concluded her daily prayer with the +wish for immediate and complete conversion. + +Nevertheless she did not refuse Lilly two excursions a week to early +mass, which was all Lilly had dared hope for. + +The meeting between Lilly and St. Joseph was touching. + +Really, going back to him was like going back home. The cherubs that +fluttered in the gay glass case behind him greeted her with a knowing, +confidential look, like brothers and sisters who have been let into the +secret that the punishment after all is not going to be so very severe. +The golden-yellow carpet extended a hospitable invitation to kneel, and +the flowers on the Holy Virgin's altar close by perfumed the air. + +The saint at first seemed a little hurt because she had not visited him +for so long. But after she had made her moan--telling of her loneliness, +the daily mush and the blows--he softened and forgave her. + +Since her last visit he had received three new silver hearts, which shot +out rays of light the length of a finger. She felt like dedicating one +to him, too, but on what grounds she did not know, since the miracle to +be worked in her was yet to be accomplished. + +"Perhaps it's only jealousy in me, or a desire to show off," she +thought, for it was painful to her that others should stand in closer +relations to her saint than she. "After all," she comforted herself, +"how can I expect anything else when I neglected him so long?" + +After confessing everything--except, of course, her love story--he had +become too much of a stranger for _that_--she hastened away. The clocks +were striking quarter of seven, and if she did not meet her hero on his +way to school, her morning meditations would have had neither purpose +nor significance. + +She met him and his companions at the corner of Wassertor street. + +He raised his cap and passed by. But she, fetching a deep breath, +remained for a time on the same spot, like one who has just escaped a +great danger. + +From now on there were two such encounters a week. + +Her secret wish that some morning, when he was alone, he would stop and +enter into a neighbourly conversation, was never fulfilled. Not the +faintest glimmer of joy appeared in his face at her approach, and the +tense concern depicted on his features did not relax even when--blushing +a bit--he raised his cap to her. + + * * * * * + +Lilly had long given up all hope of his ever addressing her again, when +one rainy July Sunday in the evening, when the door of the circulating +library was closed to customers, she heard a faint tinkling of the bell. +She opened the door--there _he_ stood. + +"Mercy!" she cried, almost shutting the door in her confusion. + +Did she happen to have Rueckert's poems in her library? + +Lilly knew for certain she did _not_ have them, but if she admitted +forthwith her inability to furnish the book he would find no pretext for +entering into a conversation, so she said she would go see, and wouldn't +he step in and wait? He hesitated a moment, then seated himself on the +customers' chair placed close to the door. + +Lilly spent some time searching, because she was afraid the inevitable +"no" would send him off with a curt "thank you," and she ran up and +down the aisles between the shelves aimlessly, reiterating: + +"I'm sure I saw the poems just a little while ago." + +Then, in order to think the matter over more quietly, she seated herself +opposite him with the counter between. But he encouraged her to renew +the search. + +"If you saw them only a short time ago, then they are bound to be here." + +When finally convinced that Rueckert's poems were not in the library, he +fetched a deep sigh and murmured something like, "What shall I do?" and +disappeared. + +Lilly, completely dazed, stared at the doorway, which a moment before +had framed his figure. + +She wanted to cry out and plead, "Stay here! Come back!" But she heard +the door on the other side of the hall fall shut, and everything was +over. + +She crouched at the window-sill indulging in speculations of what +_might_ have taken place if he had happened to remain. + +Her heart throbbed violently. + +About quarter of an hour later the bell rang again. + +She jumped up. Supposing it was he? + +It was he. + +He begged pardon; he had forgotten his umbrella. + +"This time you don't slip away!" something within her cried. + +He caught up his soaking umbrella, which she had failed to notice +despite the shining puddle which was crawling along the crack between +two floor boards, and was about to escape again, when Lilly essayed: + +"For what do you need Rueckert's poems?" + +He began to complain: + +"Life is made so hard for us, you have no idea how hard." + +He went on to tell about the speeches they had to deliver offhand on a +subject sprung on them without warning, regardless of whether or not the +students had prepared the theme. But this time they had gotten wind of +the surprise in store--the next day in literature class they would be +required to give a comprehensive view of Rueckert. That was why he would +have to glance over the poems once again to find out exactly who had +been buried in the three graves at Ottensen. + +Lilly thrilled with joy. + +_She_ could help him--she, the low-flying sparrow, could help _him_, the +soaring heaven-dweller. + +She timorously related the story of the poor, defeated count of +Brunswick and Klopstock, the pious bard of "The Messiah." The only thing +she had forgotten was who the twelve hundred exiles were who lay in the +first of the graves. + +He seemed unwilling to believe in this unexpected good fortune. Was she +sure of what she said? That about Klopstock was correct; he knew it from +the tables of his history of literature. But the rest of it? Oppressed +by grave doubts he shook his triumphant mane. + +Lilly eagerly allayed his fears. To be sure, it was more than a year +since she had heard of those lovely things, but she had a good memory, +and would certainly not misinform him lightly. + +At last he seemed relieved. He drew a deep breath, and observed, with +his mind bent more upon general matters: + +"Yes, it's very hard, very, very hard." + +Once embarked on the current of open talk, he went on to offer his views +concerning the other difficulties of human life. Mathematics was all +right; in fact, he had done very well in analytic geometry. But history +and the languages, and above all, German composition! A fellow was +sometimes driven to despair by the wretched state of things in this +world. + +In this Lilly fully concurred. She, too, had little cause to be +satisfied with the course of mundane events, and she gave eloquent and +passionate expression to her sentiments. + +"As for you," she concluded, "what tortures your spirit must undergo +when it feels itself hampered in its flight by the humiliating demands +of the schoolroom!" + +He looked at her in some wonderment and remarked: + +"Yes, indeed, it's hard, very hard." + +"I in your place," Lilly went on, "would not care a fig inside myself +for all that vapid stuff. I would just do what is necessary in an +offhand way, and then in complete spiritual freedom climb to the height +where the great poets and philosophers dwell." + +"Yes, but the examinations!" he exclaimed, utterly horrified. + +"Oh, those stupid examinations!" she rejoined. "What difference does it +make whether or not you pass?" + +Here he became eager. + +"You don't understand at all, not at all. Examinations are in a sense +the avenue leading to every good position in life, no matter whether you +enter the university or study architecture, or merely try for a good +place in the postal service. But that, of course, I wouldn't do." + +"A man like you!" she interrupted. + +He smiled faintly, feeling stroked the right way. + +"I don't want to storm the heavens exactly," he said, "but I have my +ambitions. What would a fellow be if he had no ambitions?" + +"That is so, isn't it?" Lilly cried, looking up to him with a grateful +gleam in her eyes. The feeling that she had never experienced such an +hour of joy took complete hold of her. + +When he arose to go--it had grown quite dark--she felt actual physical +pain, as if a piece of her body were being torn from her. + +He had almost closed the door when he turned and said as one who wishes +to be sure where he treads: + +"If it's not troubling you too much, do hunt for the poems once more. +Perhaps you will find them." + +Turning back a second time: + +"You might lay the book under the door-mat if you find it." + +Lilly hastily lighted the lamp and obediently started on the search. +After a time the futility of doing so occurred to her. + + * * * * * + +He spent the summer vacation in the country with a companion in misery, +with whom he crammed for the examinations. The written tests were to be +given immediately after the opening of school, and the oral tests about +the middle of September. + +The young hero looked pale and exhausted, and reddish-brown stubble lay +in the hollows of his cheeks like blotches of blood. + +Lilly was unable to witness such wretchedness in silence, and one +morning, when, returning from mass, she met him alone in the deserted +street, she ventured to stop and speak to him. + +"You must spare yourself, Mr. Redlich," she broke out anxiously. "You +must keep well for the sake of your parents and those who love you." + +He seemed more embarrassed than pleased, and before finding a reply, he +cast rapid sidelong glances in all directions. + +"Thank you," he stammered. "But later, if you please, later." + +He dashed past, scarcely daring to raise his cap. + +Lilly realised she had committed an indiscretion. The houses began to +dance before her eyes, she chewed her handkerchief, and feared the +passersby might laugh and jeer at her. When ensconced in her corner +behind the entry book, she no longer doubted that she had lost him +forever. + +She had! + +He came and went without greeting her--he came at suppertime and +left--she heard his steps all the way down the street. + +Over and done for! Over and done for! + +But lo and behold! At dusk a knock was heard on the door. No, not +exactly a knock, rather a scratching at the door, the way a dog with a +guilty conscience scratches when he wants to be let in. + +There he stood. Not with the embarrassed yet business-like manner with +which he had entered that Sunday evening when the graves of Ottensen had +justified his coming. No, this time his heart throbbed anxiously. He was +like a thief who lacks skill in the art of thieving. + +"Is Mrs. Asmussen here?" he whispered. + +"Mrs. Asmussen doesn't come in here at this time," she whispered back, +with a deep sigh of joy. + +"Then may--I come in--for a moment?" + +She stepped aside, and let him enter, thinking: + +"How can a person endure so much joy without dying of it?" + +He stammered something about "begging her pardon" and "not answering +her." + +She responded with something about "having reproached herself" and +"having meant it well." + +Then they sat down opposite each other with the counter between, and did +not know what to say next. + +He was the first to discover the way into the region of the permissible. + +"A fellow sometimes likes to exchange thoughts with a congenial young +lady," he said with an emphatic air of importance. "But he seldom finds +the time--or the opportunity." + +"Oh, as for the opportunity," thought Lilly. + +Since she had manifested such kindly interest in him, and since an +exchange of views would certainly be edifying to him, especially because +of the growing emancipation of women--which-- + +He had steered into a tight place, but his sense of dignity did not +forsake him. He looked at Lilly somewhat challengingly, as if to say, +"You see how able I am to cope with this difficult situation." + +Lilly had not caught the drift of his talk. From the moment she +recovered her power of thinking, she was dominated by one feeling: help +him, save him, so that he doesn't work himself to death. + +"Once we girls had a teacher," she began, "who delivered glorious +never-to-be-forgotten lectures in class. He worked too hard, like you, +and by this time he must certainly have died of consumption. The same +will happen to you, if you don't take care and go more slowly." + +He nodded dejectedly. + +"Yes, life's hard, very hard." + +"You must get enough sleep, and go walking. Walking a great deal is the +very best." + +"Do _you_ go walking?" + +Lilly taken aback considered a moment. Since she had been in that hole +among the books, she had not seen a field of snow or a green tree. + +"Oh, I!" she threw out, shrugging her shoulders. "What have I got to do +with it?" Then, inwardly rejoicing at her own boldness, she added: "How +would it be if we were to take a walk together?" + +Now it was his turn to be taken aback. + +"There are such a lot of obstacles," he observed, thoughtfully shaking +his mane. "The thing would be misinterpreted. There are considerations, +especially so far as you are concerned--certainly, especially for you." + +Lilly had read of young cavaliers whose solicitude for their lady's good +name exceeded their very passion for her, and she looked up at him in +gratitude and admiration. + +"Don't bother about me! I'll manage. I'll just shirk early mass." + +Though she felt a tiny prick at her heart because of her blasphemous +words, she knew that for the sake of such a walk she would betray God, +betray St. Joseph himself, without the least hesitation. + +"But I've got to get through with the examinations first," he explained. + +The matter was settled and the plan sealed with mutual promises. +Accompanied by Lilly's good wishes and warnings, he took leave, but not +before carefully scanning street, porch, and hall. + + * * * * * + +From now on Lilly's life was one glow of hope and dreamy anticipation. +She would lie awake half the night, picturing to herself how she would +wander over the golden meadows with him in the light of dawn, her hand +pressed against her throbbing heart, her arm now and then slightly +grazing his elbow. Each time she thought of this she felt a little +shock, which quivered down to the very tips of her toes. + +She read nothing but hot, passionate books, in which there was much of +"intoxication," "transport," and the "giddiness of endless kisses." But +she did not dream of kisses in connection with herself. Whenever she +found herself drifting in that direction, she checked herself in +dismay--so exalted was he above every earthly desire. + +Now she knew what reasons justified her in promising St. Joseph a silver +heart. + +One Sunday morning she told St. Joseph the whole story--about Fritz +Redlich's examinations, his high ideals, and her solicitude for him. The +only thing she refrained from mentioning was the walk they had planned; +which she had to omit on account of the shirked mass. + +She had saved about sixty marks, which she carried in a leather pocket +next to her body. The silver heart would cost twelve marks at the very +most. Plenty of money remained for buying a gift for her friend. She +wavered long between a gold-embroidered college portfolio and +gold-embroidered slippers, and finally decided on a revolver in a case, +naturally assuming that in the wild struggle for existence he would be +exposed to many dangers, from which only reckless daring and instant +decision could rescue him. A revolver and case cost twenty-five marks, +gold thread for embroidering the monogram, five marks. Thus everything +was arranged in the best possible manner. + +When she saw him step on the porch the morning of examination day, white +as the glove with which he waved farewell to his parents--he seemed to +have forgotten her--she felt as if she should have to run after him and +press the weapon of deliverance into his hand without further delay. But +she reflected that in all likelihood the examiners would not show +themselves susceptible to that sort of eloquence. + +At the last moment, as he stepped from the porch to the pavement, a +timid glance of his fell upon her, and she was happy. + +At one o'clock there was some stir on the street. + +They were bringing him home. He looked weary and completely crushed, but +the others whooped and huzzaed. + +The old sergeant out of service ran to meet him in torn slippers, and +violently wiped his green-grey bristly beard on his son's face. From the +kitchen came the spicy smell of cooking sausages. + +Lilly ran rejoicing up and down the aisles of the library, and thought +with a sort of superior satisfaction: + +"St. Joseph's fine! _Isn't_ he fine!" + +The very next morning she ordered the silver heart, and blushingly asked +to have a monogram of L. C. and F. R. engraved on it. + +When she returned she found an envelope addressed to her among the order +slips in the letter-box. Inside was a soiled menu card from a +restaurant, on which was written: "Sunday 5 a.m. on the porch." + + * * * * * + +The first grey of dawn entered the library through the lunettes in the +shutters. + +Lilly sprang out of bed and threw the windows open. + +The street resembled a great bowl of milk, so heavily the white mist of +early autumn weighed upon the ground. The cold damp drizzle did her hot +limbs good. She spread her arms and washed herself in the icy air as in +a bath. + +Her light summer dress, which she herself had washed and ironed the +evening before, hung like a bluish drift on the white wall. She +smartened herself as never before. This festal day should find her +worthily adorned. + +With the paltry remnants of her savings she had bought a large yellow +shepherdess hat tying under the chin, so doing away with the need for a +collar. And openwork silk gloves suddenly came to light, having been +discovered at the bottom of the trunk, where they had long lain +forgotten. + +She would carry the heavy revolver in her work-bag. Before slipping it +in, she kissed it several times, and said: + +"Watch over him faithfully, destroy his enemies, and lead him on to +victory." + +It was a genuine consecration of arms. + +At five o'clock sharp the door opposite creaked on its hinges. She +glided into the hall. On the porch they shook hands. + +His eyes were bleared, yet he looked rather enterprising. There was even +something of the beau in his get-up. He wore his hat tilted a bit to one +side, and in his left hand swung a light bamboo cane tipped by the head +of a sea gull in silver. + +Lilly stammered congratulations. + +He thanked somewhat condescendingly, as if so insignificant a matter +were not worth all that to-do. + +"We loaf about dreadfully now," he went on. "I can't say I get a great +deal of sport out of it, but a fellow has to know something of the +follies of human life, too." + +When they passed St. Anne's, a thought suddenly flashed into Lilly's +mind, which filled her with bliss. If they were to go into the church +for a moment, the sin of silence would be removed from her soul, and St. +Joseph could even bestow his blessing on the day. + +Timidly she gave voice to her wish--and found herself in a pretty mess. + +"I am a free-thinker," he said, "I would never go counter to my +convictions. Nevertheless, it is an enlightened man's duty to be +tolerant, and if you want to go in, I will wait outside." + +No, she no longer wanted to, and she was terribly ashamed. Of course, he +could not know what close connection existed between St. Joseph and his +good fortune. Otherwise he would not have been so ungrateful. + +They walked in silence through the deserted streets of the suburbs. The +fog lifted a little. Lilly chilled through and through shivered at each +step. Perhaps excitement was the cause. On the whole, however, she felt +much calmer than she had expected to. Everything was so altogether, +altogether different. A little disenchantment had occurred, she did not +know how. + +She cast a yearning gaze down the street, at the end of which dark trees +showed their heads. + +"When once we are out there!" she thought, and clenched her teeth to +keep them from chattering. + +The silence began to paralyse her thoughts. She would gladly have +started a conversation, had she been able to think of a suitable +beginning. + +A baker's boy was walking ahead of them whistling. + +"When we worked all night," said Fritz Redlich suddenly, "we always +bought warm rolls. We might get some now." + +Lilly became joyous again. + +To be sure, had he said "we might steal some," she would have liked it +better. + +The baker's boy was not permitted to sell his rolls--just the right +number for delivery had been doled out to him--but on the opposite side +was an open shop. + +When Lilly saw her hero reappear with a large bag in his hand, she had a +pleasant sensation, as if they were beginning housekeeping together. + +They now walked along gardens under a veritable shower of dew falling +from the trees. Lilly shrugged her shoulders, and did not know what to +do she felt so cold. + +At last they were out in the open country. + +Mats of silver-grey cobwebs, each weighted down with a burden of dew, +were spread over the fields of high stubble. Yellow ridges of hills +bounded the semicircle of the landscape, and in the distance rose the +walls of the woods. + +Lilly stretched her arms like a swimmer, and drew in through her open +mouth five or six deep breaths. + +"Aren't you feeling well?" + +Lilly laughed. + +"I must make up for all I've lost," she said. "I haven't _breathed_ for +a whole year." + +Feeling frozen still she began to run. He tried to keep pace, but soon +fell behind, and panted after her, hopping rather than running. + +When they reached the top of the first hill, the sun began to rise over +the plain. The brushwood seemed to be on fire, and the cobwebs shone +like silver. Each dew-drop became a glittering spark, a flame ran along +each thread. + +Lilly, warmed and excited from running, pressed her hands to her heaving +breast, and stared into the sea of red with drunken eyes. + +"Oh, look, look," she stammered, giving his face a questioning, +searching glance. + +She half expected him to recite odes, sing hymns, and play the harp. + +He stood there trying to get his breath, to all appearances occupied +exclusively with himself. + +"Do recite something, Mr. Redlich," she begged. "A poem by Klopstock, or +something else." She had not gotten up to Goethe in school. + +He gave a short laugh, and replied: + +"Catch me! Now that examinations are over German literature may go to +the dogs for all I care." + +Lilly felt ashamed and said nothing more, fearing the expression of +such crude desires must make her culture appear half baked. When she +looked up again, the glow was gone. The fields still sent up +yellowish-red vapours to meet the climbing sun, whose effulgence hung +coldly, almost indifferently, over the earth begging for light. + +They walked on toward the woods. + +He swung the paper bag. From either side of the road she gathered +blackberries, which depended like bunches of glistening black beads from +bushes overlaid with a film of cobwebs. + +Some distance on, at the edge of the woods, they came upon a bench. +Without discussing it, they simply made for the seat. It was the place +they needed. + +Lilly felt a little oppression at her heart. Here she was finally to +receive the revelations for which her soul languished; here she was to +look into the heaven-gazing eyes of the young genius. + +He opened the bag, and she laid her handkerchief filled with the +blackberries alongside. + +The work-bag containing the heavy revolver was deposited for the time +being between the rounds of the bench. Lilly hollowed out the rolls, and +filled them with blackberries, and the two breakfasted together very +cosily. + +The golden shimmer of early autumn poured its enchantment over them. +Lilly's brain grew heavy with longing and happiness. She could have sunk +to the ground, and laid her forehead against his knees merely for +support, because approaching fulfillment was more than she could bear. + +He had removed his cap. A curly lock fell over his forehead down to his +eyebrows, giving his face a sombre expression, as if he were challenging +the whole world. This "genius lock" was the fashion among the boys of +the last year high school and was especially cherished by those who did +not aspire to the stylishness of belonging to a students' corps. + +His gaze rested on the church towers of the old city, which resembled +awkward, faithful, sleepy watchmen looking down on the wide-spreading +clusters of house tops. + +"Will you tell me what you are thinking about?" asked Lilly, bashfully +admiring. The great moment--at last it had come. + +He gave a short and somewhat mocking laugh. + +"I am calculating how many ministers get their living in a nest like +that, and how comfortable it is for a fellow if he just studies +theology." + +"Why don't you? Learning flows in on one from all sides." + +"You don't understand," he reproved her gently. "Learning is not the +chief thing. Conviction is. One must do everything for the sake of one's +conviction, suffer want, suffer all sorts of privations. The city has +six scholarships to bestow upon theological students, but I would rather +chop my hand off than accept one. A man must take up the fight for his +convictions, and that's what I'm going to do--day after to-morrow." + +His small, short-sighted eyes sparkled. He stroked the genius lock from +his forehead with a trembling hand. + +Now she had him where she wanted him. Perhaps this was the very instant +in which to hand him the revolver. But out of respect for the greatness +of his mood, she deferred the matter for a while. + +Taking a firmer hold of the bag in which the revolver was lying, she +went into raptures as once before on the porch. + +"Oh, Mr. Redlich, what is finer than such a fight? To dive into the +waves of life! To spite the dark powers who control our destiny, and +wrest our fortune from them, to come out of the struggle each time with +greater strength, a more iron will. Can you conceive of anything more +up-lifting?" + +But this time, too, her adjuration failed to awaken an echo. + +"Good heavens," he said, "on close inspection what after all is this +much-vaunted fight? Everybody walks over you, in winter you lie in a +cold bed, and all year round you have nothing to eat. Of course, I'm +going to go into it, of course I am, but it's hard, yes, indeed, it's +hard! If I had a scholarship I should feel much better." + +"So that's all the joy you have in facing the world?" + +"My dear young lady," he rejoined, "a fellow who starts out with nothing +but a satchel of darned wash and a hundred-mark bill--where's he to get +much joy from?" + +"He's the very one!" Lilly exclaimed, eager to cast a ray of her own +confidence into his heart. "When somebody is like you, with the mark of +greatness on his face, then the world lies at his feet." + +She described a semicircle with her right hand, taking in the entire +plain, its green bushes and silvery streams and the city with its wreath +of swelling gardens lying embedded in the fields like a lark's nest in a +meadow. Lilly felt as if she were showing him a small copy of his future +realm. + +He nodded several times in the dejected consciousness of knowing better +than she what the world is like. + +"Dear me, it's hard," he observed, "very, very hard." + +She wanted whether or no to convince him of his own ability to conquer, +and growing warmer and warmer continued with her peroration. + +"If only I could express what I know and feel. If only I could give you +some of my own assurance. Look at me, poor thing that I am. I have no +father or mother, and no friends. If at least I could have stayed at +school and graduated. But here I am, without a vocation, without money, +without clothes for the winter--not even a decent pair of shoes." She +stuck out the worn tips of her old boots, which until now she had kept +carefully hidden. "I don't get as much to eat as I need either; and if I +come home too late to-day, I shall be whipped. Yet I know that happiness +is lying in wait for me. It is here already--in every breeze that blows +my way, in every sunbeam that smiles at me--the whole world is +happiness--the whole world is music--everything's a Song of +Songs--everything's a Song of Songs!" + +She turned from him with an impetuous movement, to keep him from seeing +how she was quivering all over. + +Down in the city the chimes began to ring. St. Mary, once the cathedral, +now the chief Protestant church, came first with its three resounding +clangs. St. George uttered a clear third E-G--on high festivals it added +a paternal, rumbling C. More bells followed. St. Anne's thin tinkling +joined in--modest, yet to be distinguished the instant it began. There +was a secret whispering and calling in it: "We know each other, we love +each other, and St. Joseph says 'Good morning.'" + +Lilly's friend seemed to have used the period of her silence in order to +win back his spiritual balance. With the little air of didactic dignity +that he liked to assume when he felt he had the advantage in a +situation, he began: + +"I am almost inclined to think we don't quite understand each other. I +was at great pains to make a careful study of the problems of life, and +so I see somewhat deeper into things than you. I'm up to snuff about the +so-called illusions of youth. I know what men are worth, and I should +advise you to be a little more cautious about what you do." + +"What do you mean?" she asked, astounded. + +He gave her a sidewise smile with an air of mingled superiority and +uncertainty. + +"Well, beauty carries certain dangers in its train." + +"Nonsense, beauty!" Lilly cried, glowing all over. "Who thinks of such +silliness?" + +"The person upon whom nature has bestowed such a gift," he went on, "has +many reasons for being on her guard. For instance, it's a piece of good +luck for you that you chanced upon so strict and correct a young man as +I am. Another man with a more frivolous nature than mine would have made +an entirely different use of an excursion like this. You may be sure of +that." + +Lilly stared at him. She was carried away by a whirl of obscure and +disagreeable thoughts. What did he want of her? Was he reproaching her? +Did he scorn her because of her most sacred feelings? + +"Oh, dear," she said, utterly discomposed. "I wish we were at home." + +"Understand me," he began again. "I am by no means a Pharisee. I have a +thorough comprehension of the weaknesses of human nature. I am only +offering you a bit of advice in all modesty, and some day you will thank +me for it. It is not for nothing that a fellow has his principles. +Should we ever meet again later in life, you will, I hope, not have to +be ashamed of the friend of your youth." + +"If it's a question of shame," something within Lilly cried, "then I +ought to feel ashamed now, and of myself." + +Forward, undignified, ill-bred--that was what she held herself to be for +having begged him to take this morning walk. + +Yet there had been nothing evil in the thing! Where had the evil +suddenly come from? + +The chimes were still making music, the sun was still weaving its net of +gold about her. She saw nothing, she heard nothing, so very ashamed she +was. She wanted to run away, but did not dare even to stir. + +As for him he no longer looked as if he needed comforting. His manner +expressed the quiet satisfaction a man feels with a piece of work just +completed. + +A blackberry had remained sticking in a crevice in the seat of the +bench. + +"One mustn't get spots on one's clothes," he admonished, and stuck the +berry in his mouth, slowly crunching the seeds between his teeth. + +Lilly pulled herself together, and caught up her work-bag. + +"What are you carrying there?" he asked. "It looks so heavy." + +Lilly in terror clutched the bag tight. + +"Only the house key," she stammered. + +Then they went home. + +"If only I could change his mind," she thought, "so that he would have a +favorable opinion of me again." + +Nothing better occurred to her than to stoop at the wayside and pluck +the finest field flowers she could reach to offer to him as a farewell +gift instead of that other gift, the mere thought of which made her feel +like a goose. + +She handed him the bouquet keeping her eyes turned aside. He thanked her +with a pretty bow, and twirled the bamboo cane with the silver +handle--an heirloom of which he had just come into possession. He swung +it boldly about his head, the way future corps students do before making +a high carte. + +Lilly in her dejection and humiliation was unable to say a word. + +"Doesn't an inner voice," he asked, "tell you we shall meet some time +again?" + +She turned her face away. She had all to do to force back the tears +welling up in her eyes. + +"Then I hope you will receive proof of what unremitting effort and +unshakable fidelity to one's convictions can accomplish even with small +means." + +His voice now sounded full and vibrant with self-satisfied energy. While +making her small and timorous he seemed to have sucked up some of her +joyous mood. + +When they drew near the Altmarkt, however, he became greatly disquieted +again, and kept spying about on all sides. Finally he remarked that the +streets were getting pretty lively, and it would be better perhaps if +they were to part company and go back by different ways. + +A few days later he left home, and the house was perfumed with the +garlic of the sausage that Mrs. Redlich sliced into his soup as a +farewell offering. + +Lilly stood behind the window curtain with burning eyes, and thought in +her sorrow: + +"Oh, I wish I had never seen him!" + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +One grey October morning, which hid the threat of approaching winter +behind a mask of moist, warm mist as behind a hypocritical smile, the +wonderful happened: Mrs. Asmussen's runaway daughters came back again. + +Without casting a shadow before them, there they were all of a sudden, +shoving several bulging hand-bags into the library, measuring Lilly with +an astonished look of gracious frigidity, and ordering her to pay for +the cab--they had no change. + +Lilly felt the throbbing of her heart up to her neck. The moment the two +grand, voluptuous figures appeared on the scene and, though looking a +bit weather beaten and washed out, swept victoriously into possession of +the territory, she knew they were Mrs. Asmussen's daughters. + +She cast one anxious look at the pretty, pug-nosed faces, where two +pairs of bright grey eyes challenged the door of the rear room, and +another anxious look at the broom of welcome, whose hour had come. Then +she hurried off to avoid the terrors bound to follow upon the opening of +the middle door. + +In the cab she found two withered bouquets of gladioli, a Scotch plaid +rolled in a shawl strap, from which two umbrella handles--large blue +glass knobs, the size of a man's fist--were sticking out, some cushions +trimmed with diagonal bars, and a whisky flask. There was also a tin box +of lemon drops sans lid, and a disjointed paper hat-box, between whose +cracks a comb and a piece of buttered bread were striving in unison to +find their way into freedom. + +Lilly gathered up the effects, and stopped in the hall, listening in +terror. She expected to hear the screams of the maltreated girls. But +all was serene, and when she entered she saw mother and daughters +hugging and kissing. + +Since there was no time left before the midday meal to buy a roast in +honor of the festive occasion, dinner consisted of cabbage as usual, +with the addition of a mountain of cakes from the confectioner's, to +which the girls helped themselves before the meal in order to lay some +aside for days of less plenty. + +This was the first evidence of their housekeeperly thrift. + +Mrs. Asmussen beamed with motherly joy and tenderness. + +"Well," she said, "did I exaggerate when I told you about these glorious +creatures? Too bad I had to do without them for so long. But I am modest +in my demands, and I am glad enough to get what I do. I know their +hearts draw them now to their father, now to their mother, because they +cannot make up their minds to deprive either of us permanently of the +gift of their pure filial love." + +She was sitting between the girls, and she pressed a hand of each. All +three looked into one another's eyes devotedly. + +The absent pater familias was remembered touchingly. Their gay, talented +father, the girls said, intended to give up his large business, to +assume the management of extensive farms in the south of Russia at the +urgent invitation of influential patrons. + +Later, in Mrs. Asmussen's gloomier hours, it transpired that that +"pock-marked scoundrel" had had to scurry off because of some +questionable notes, and hide in Odessa until the atmosphere in the north +cleared. + +To Lilly's unpracticed eye the girls were as like as two +sparrows--saucy, greedy, inconstant, and amorous. It was only after a +time that she learned to distinguish between them. Lona, the older, who +possessed some beauty of a coarse kind, had the ways of a clutching, +grasping barmaid, and was the sharper of the two, usually dragging her +sister Mi in tow, whose chief characteristic was a sort of flabby +drollness. + +In their treatment of Lilly they observed for the time being the pacific +attitude of suspicion willing to bide its time. Hints were not omitted +to inform a certain person that they would soon learn what position to +take and whether there was to be peace or war. + +When they were finally convinced that Lilly was shy and harmless, the +waves of their tender confidences met over her head. + +It now became the regular thing for all three of them to sit on the edge +of the bed until late at night with their corsets open and their knees +drawn up to their chins, talking, talking, talking, while they sucked +candies bought on the sly, or dressed one another's hair. Beautiful +souls poured forth confessions. Whispered confidences about love +adventures and man-baiting flowed on steadily, flooding Lilly's pure +fancy with a turbid stream of sexual mysteries. + +What the Asmussen girls liked above all was to have their bodies +admired. + +"When I turn this way, isn't the set of my shoulders classic?" + +"Haven't I a marble bosom?" + +"If I weren't so bashful, I'd take off my shirt and show you my hips. +They are like a goddess's." + +They made less frequent appeals for criticism of their features. + +"We've gotten so many compliments about our good looks that we can't +have any doubts on that score." + +Nevertheless when cold weather set in, and necessitated the wearing of +woolen scarfs over their heads, they did not scorn to discuss the truly +Greek way their hair had of growing low on their foreheads, or the +seductive curves of their mouths. + +They could also be severely self-critical. + +"Our eyes are not beautiful, we know. Yours, for instance, are much +lovelier. But whether _you_ cast sheep's eyes at anybody or not, it's +all the same. Now, if _we_ just chuck a little sidelong glance--you'd +think no one could possibly notice it--why, in a jiffy they're after us +like mad." + +Their iridescent, cattish eyes would twinkle with the pleasant sense of +unbounded power and triumph over the weakness of that strong animal man. + +The advice they dispensed liberally to Lilly might be summed up in one +sentence: "Do what you please, but don't surrender yourself." + +They laid no restraint upon themselves in retailing spicy stories, which +set Lilly's pulse to bounding, and in which they proved their absolute +seriousness in the observance of this motto. + +They manifested a strong sensual craving. One of them once remarked: + +"My highest ideal is to be queen of the bees, but to have no children." + +The other, who seemed inclined to ethical speculations, rejoined +vivaciously: + +"My highest ideal is to be a nun and horribly immoral." + +She pursued the theme, entering into all details after the manner of the +Renaissance narrators, while Lilly's pious soul trembled and shuddered. + +Their libertinism of thought notwithstanding, all their hopes and dreams +centered about marriage. + +To marry, as quickly as possible and as advantageously as possible, was +salvation, career, a specific for all ills, earthly bliss, and eternal +happiness. + +"That is, he must be _old_, he must be _rich_, and he must be _stupid_." + +This trinity embodied all their demands of fate. As others invest their +husbands-to-be with supernatural virtues, these girls revelled in +picturing their future spouses' infirmities and in recounting the tricks +they meant to play upon them by virtue of their bodily and spiritual +superiority. + +They were not always agreed as to the ways and means of obtaining this +precious possession so absolutely indispensable to life. A favorite +subject of debate between them was: "Is it expedient, or is it not +expedient, to compromise oneself with the man of one's choice?" + +Lona, whose daring in hatching difficult schemes of action knew no +bounds, upheld the positive side. Mi, who wished to be sure where she +trod, inclined to the negative. + +"If you knew those male milksops half as well as I do," Lona scolded, +"you'd realize that the best way to catch them is through fear. Make +them sin, and twist their sin about their necks like a halter. That's +the only way to be sure of them." + +"It's very odd," Mi returned with inexorable logic, "that you haven't +practised what you preach, because if you had, you'd long ago--" + +Discretion bade her break off. Her sister's fingers, crooked ready to +scratch, boded no good. + +Only a week after their arrival a love tilt took place between them, in +which hair puffs and petticoat strings flew about, and from which Mi +emerged with a laceration which Lilly had to treat with vinegar +compresses the rest of the night. + +The cause of their contention was a "swell" who had followed them on +their afternoon walk, and who, according to Mi, had been discouraged +from coming closer because her sister had not responded sufficiently to +his advances. + +Lona asserted the principle that one must have nothing at all to do with +so-called "swells," while Mi was of the opinion that he would have been +good enough for a husband at any rate. + +Strolling through the streets and permitting themselves to be accosted +soon became their chief and daily occupation. Lilly, who had credited, +and been greatly disturbed by, the threats they first made that they +would assume the management of the business, soon realized she had +nothing to apprehend in this regard. + +They slept until nine, and took two hours for dressing. Then they went +out for their morning walk to make the necessary estimates of the +gentlemen of the garrison, who at that hour of the day promenaded in +groups near the main guard. + +If the first half of the day was dedicated to the military, the second +half was devoted chiefly to ordinary citizens. + +It goes without saying that afternoon coffee was taken nowhere else than +at Frangipani's confectionery shop, where a few lieutenants and a number +of city officials and young lawyers gathered to play chess or skat; and +where, too, many a more dashing high school teacher came to display his +kinship with the proper world of fashion. + +After this hour, spiced by all sorts of sweets, followed the promenade +at twilight, which proved highly advantageous for establishing possible +connections, and provided the subjects needed for discussion at home. + +It would not be stating the full truth to say that Mrs. Asmussen brought +a loving sympathy to bear in her judgment of this kind of life. +Certainly not. The mutual adulation of the first few days had given +place to a period of sultriness, when cutting remarks flashed in the +murky atmosphere like streaks of lightning. Then a season of protracted +storm set in, and mishaps occurred in swift succession, gradually +becoming so purely a matter of course that even Lilly, who at first had +wept and screamed along with the other three, began to consider this the +normal condition of the Asmussen household. Abusive epithets of +unsuspected vigor flew hither and thither, and the place resounded with +cuffings. Even the broom, which in the beginning had not been given a +thought, was now drawn into its strictly limited field of activity. + +Peace did not come until evening, when Mrs. Asmussen's medicine asserted +its rights. The two girls might have taken advantage of her oblivion to +give free play to their desires, had not their highly developed sense of +propriety strictly forbidden going out at night. + +"Persons meeting us would take us for fast girls," they said, "and then +no wedding bells for us." + +One would scarcely believe with what a number of conventions the young +ladies circumscribed their apparently unrestrained existence. + +You may let yourself be kissed as much as you like, but on no account +kiss back. + +You may let a gentleman call you by your first name in conversation, but +if he does so in a letter it is an insult. + +You may let a gentleman treat you to coffee and cake, but not to bread +and butter. + +You may let a strange man tread on your foot, but if he attempts to +press your hand under the table you must get up. + +And so on. + +Lilly had absolutely no comprehension for this set of thoughts and +desires. Hitherto man as a male had been a piece of life non-existent in +bodily form, which came to her notice on occasions, but glided by like a +stranger without holding her attention. She had solely loved the man of +her dreams, the man of her novels, the man of her own creation. The +thing that stared at her on the street, the thing that came to exchange +books and found all sorts of little pretexts for entering into +conversation with her, the thing that officiously held aside the wadded +curtain of the church door as she entered, or played the amiable over a +shop counter, this thing was a strange, annoying fact; it was stupid and +brazen, a matter of unspeakable indifference, to think of which would be +a waste of time and a degradation. + +A girl's entire life, she now learned, was here simply for the sake of +that gross and disgusting race; and a girl could concern herself about +them from the moment she rose to the moment she fell asleep, without +cherishing the thought of the one for whom she had been created as for +work and faith and God. + +Though Lilly knew she was infinitely above being influenced by the two +girls' advice and example, she felt, in spite of herself, a small desire +arising within her to find out what the nature of those creatures might +be about whom such a fuss was made, whose approval brought pleasure, +whose coldness meant annihilation. + +She was beset by a tormenting fear of that dreadful, seething world +outside there, of the dirt that was carried to her door every day anew, +and of the disquieting curiosity with which she picked it up to examine +it. For whether or no, her thoughts _would_ return to the gay pictures, +painted in colors of poison, which the two sisters, growing ever more +demoralized, unrolled before her eyes evening after evening. + +It was a piece of good fortune that the hot friendship both at first +bestowed upon her cooled off somewhat after a month or so. + +The cause was the enigmatic shortage in the cash box, which occurred +time and again, and came to be a permanent phenomenon. Lilly would spend +hours calculating feverishly, entering and counting every cent, until +finally there was no other conclusion to be reached than that some one +had used the few moments of her absence to dip into the drawer where the +box was kept. + +In order to save herself--in case of discovery she would be accused of +the theft--she once carried the key of the drawer away with her as if +unintentionally, and did so repeatedly, until the girls' manner, which +had grown increasingly estranged and scornful, assured her that she was +on the right tack. + +On one occasion they gave vent to their wrath and disillusionment. + +Did _she_, stray dog that she was, think she was mistress of the place? +If need be, books and keys would be taken from her by force. + +In mortal fright Lilly ran to the mother and threatened to leave that +instant unless she was allowed to control affairs as before. + +Mrs. Asmussen, who knew her scapegrace offspring through and through, +took sides with Lilly, and the storm seemed to have blown over. + +The girls took to entreaty and in reawakened intimacy gave Lilly new and +comprehensive views into the depths of their soul life. + +Did she think they cared a row of pins for the miserable little +meringues they ate at Frangipani's? Not a bit of it. They were clever +enough to know how to provide for the future. At any rate they couldn't +stay with that old guzzler forever, especially since the place had +turned out to be absolutely unproductive in regard to good matches. So +for a long time they had been saving money industriously for another +flight. It was no exaggeration to say they were starving themselves +miserably. Lilly with her paltry desires could have no idea how many +temptations they withstood when they sat at a table in the confectionery +shop at suppertime, and had to look upon all sorts of glorious goodies +without tasting them. + +Lilly remained unmoved by their persuasive wiles. Their manner cooled +off again, and they began to pass her by, tacitly showing their sense of +injury. + +Soon events occurred that fanned their enmity into a lively fire. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +It was dusk of a wet November day. The spouts were streaming and an +endless chain of grey drops glided down the iron rods of the porch +railing and fell precipitously into the pool gleaming on the pavement +below. + +A miserable sort of sport to watch the game! But what better diversion +had the day to offer? + +Suddenly the front door opened, the library bell rang sharply, and in +came a nimble little fellow, capering and stamping, and exhaling an +aroma of Russia leather and Parma violets. His coat collar was turned up +and his hat pulled far down. His close-cut blond hair shone like +yellowish-white velvet. + +He measured Lilly from between lids masterfully narrowed to a slit with +a cursory and apparently disillusioned glance, threw out a strident +"good evening," and examined the back part of the room, as if expecting +some one to emerge from behind the bookcases and give him a special +greeting. + +Lilly asked what she could do for him. + +"Oh, you are the young lady in charge of the circulating library?" he +asked. The existence of such a young lady seemed to transport him into a +kind of careless gaiety. + +Lilly said she was. + +"Splendid!" he replied. "Just splendid!" And a thousand little merry +devils danced in his blinking, white-lashed eyes. + +Lilly asked what book he wished. + +"Be it known to you, most honored and erudite miss, I am not exactly +familiar with German literature and the allied sciences, but ever since +yesterday I have been possessed of a fabulous and downright sophomoric +zeal for culture. If you would help me with your valuable--" + +He came to a sudden halt, stuck a monocle in his eye, looked her up and +down, first on the right side, then on the left, the way an intending +purchaser scrutinises a long-legged horse, murmured something like "the +devil," and asked to have the light turned on immediately. + +Since it had actually grown so dark that the numbers on the backs of the +books were illegible, Lilly saw no reason for refusing his request. + +When she reached up in all her glory to raise the chimney from the +hanging lamp, he uttered a second and more audible "the devil." And when +she stood there before him, the light shining on her sidewise, with an +uneasy, questioning look in her improbable eyes--those long-concealed +"Lilly eyes"--he sank back on the customers' seat to show how utterly +nonplussed he was, and folded his hands and implored her forgiveness. + +Lilly felt a hot sense of insult rising in her. So low was she esteemed +in her position that an aristocratic young man--the first who had +strayed in to her in the course of one and a half years--did not deem it +necessary to show her the most ordinary courtesy. + +"If you do not wish to borrow a book, sir," she said, giving him a +superior look, "please leave the place." + +"What--what did you say?" he rejoined, outraged. "I borrow a book? _One_ +book? One beggarly book? For every five minutes I am permitted to stay +here I will take out a whole shelf of books, for all I care, a whole +case of books--but with the proviso that I may return them to-morrow. I +will immediately contract with the best express company in town to keep +hauling the cases away and back again. But one moment--one moment. It +seems to me I once heard that for every book taken from a circulating +library you have to leave three marks deposit. Isn't that so?" + +Lilly stared at him in blank astonishment and said it was so. + +"Well, since I haven't such an amount of money in my possession just +now, I must ask you to keep _me_ here as a deposit. So, in a measure, I +yield myself up to you for imprisonment. Very vexatious for both +parties, I'm sure. But what else is to be done in the circumstances?" + +In spite of herself Lilly had to laugh. + +"Oh, she's reconciled!" he cried triumphantly. "Her majesty is +reconciled. And now let us speak to each other as decorous friends. +Observe me well. Do I look as if I read books? To be sure I have my +favourites, Schlicht, Roda-Roda and Winterfeld, and others who purport +to know the humour of soldiering life. But if I come here, it's not to +get books. The thing goes deeper than that. I hope I may confide in +you." + +"If you think it necessary," stammered Lilly, whose eyes were fascinated +by a gleaming chain peeping from under the sleeve of his tan overcoat. +She did not know men ever wore gold bracelets. + +"Evenings I like to get into mufti--the rest of the time, you know, I +wear uniform--but not for long any more--in a few weeks I depart this +life, because--do you know what debts are? No? Then rejoice. Debts are +the sour sediment in the lemonade of human existence, and the lemonade +at that is none too sweet. But what was I going to say? Oh, +yes--evenings I like to play Harun-al-Rashid and strive to win the favor +of the populace by honouring the populace's more commendable daughters +with a little conversation. Understand? So, in remoter districts, where +high are the hedges and silent the new villas--so yesterday I--behind +two young ladies--laughing over their shoulders and swinging their +skirts, exactly the way well-bred girls are wont to do--" + +"I beg your pardon, but I should like this talk to end," said Lilly, red +with shame. + +"Not at all," he said; "I knew at once you are a perfect lady, and have +nothing to do with such ticklish matters. I am merely confessing in +order to secure a little absolution from your purity." + +This turn did Lilly's soul good, and she did not oppose him further. + +"So the two young ladies were walking in front of me arm in arm. The +moment I reached-them I slipped in between like a slice of sausage in a +sandwich. They weren't a bit offish. They told me they owned a large +circulating library and intended shortly to open an art shop in Berlin, +and so on. But they didn't mention their address, and since--I admit it +with shame--until a few moments ago I thought they had some good points, +I am simply making the rounds of all the libraries in the directory. +Besides the well-known bookstores there are only three. I investigated +the other two, and now that I know the third, the art shop +proprietresses may go to the devil for all I care." + +A feeling of scorn and mischievous delight arose in Lilly. She gave a +short laugh, but took good care not to disclose the existence of the +Asmussen girls. + +To prove to her that in the presence of her majesty all desire for an +adventure ended, he presented himself formally: "Von Prell, future +ex-lieutenant." + +Observing her questioning look he continued: + +"As I delicately indicated, my days in the regiment are numbered." + +Lilly timidly inquired whether an officer's life no longer pleased him. + +"Until now I knew of no sort of life that would _not_ have pleased me." +Wanton spirits shot little gleams from his small grey eyes. "But the +paternal riches have taken wing, and my wages as army serf will just +about buy radishes, and even radishes get expensive around Christmas +time. So the best thing for me to do is to buy an old herring keg and +let myself be salted and packed. If you should happen to know of one to +be had cheap, I give the best prices." + +Lilly frankly laughed a joyous laugh. He joined in, holding his hands to +his hips and emitting a thin, falsetto tehee, which, though scarcely +audible, shook his slim, sinewy body as with a storm of merriment. + +They now sat opposite each other like two good friends, with the counter +between. Lilly wished the hour would never end. + +A maid entered to exchange a volume of Flygare-Carlen for her mistress. +He unassumingly disposed himself for a stay, examined the backs of +several books, and acted altogether as if he were at home. When the maid +left he pulled the door open obsequiously and bowed and scraped as she +passed through. + +Lilly grew more and more hilarious and restrained her laughter with +difficulty. + +"Before the next customer comes you must go," she said, "else they'll +begin to think something." + +"Why?" he asked. "The customers change." + +But Lilly insisted, whereupon he took to pleading. + +"Listen," he said. "I am known as a man utterly devoid of moral fibre. +Do _you_ be my stay in this mundane existence--at least until the door +opens again. While I'm sitting here I can commit no follies, and that +must convey some consolation to your charitable heart." + +It was agreed, therefore, that he might keep his place until the next +time the bell rang. He leaned back in his chair comfortably and scanned +Lilly with the tender emotions of unlimited ownership. + +"All earthly ills flow from garrulousness," he began. "If Columbus had +just kept the discovery of America to himself nobody would have made it +disagreeable for him. I will be wilier. I will consider my discovery as +a family secret between you and me. What a feast for the fellows! Let +them keep to the moths that fly at twilight, like the two prospective +art-shop proprietresses, to whom I owe the good fortune of your +acquaintance." + +Lilly had completely forgotten the sisters. It was about time for them +to be coming home. Suppose they were suddenly to open the door! + +The bell rang. No, it wasn't they. It was a spinster, who daily devoured +several volumes of love affairs, and came every evening for fresh +fodder. + +The blithe lieutenant, remembering the compact, shot up out of his +chair. His demeanour stiffened into business-like coolness. + +"If you please," he twanged, "will you kindly let me have the latest +work by--by--" Evidently no German author occurred to him. After racking +his brain the delivering name came, "by Gerstaecker." + +Lilly brought him the "latest work," which bore the date 1849. He +deposited the requisite three marks, and took leave with too sweeping a +bow, while the little imps frolicked between his silver-white lids. + +Soon after the sisters came home, cast a suspicious look at Lilly's +flaming cheeks, and passed by without greeting her. + +The next day went after the fashion of every other, but something +troubled Lilly, something like Christmas expectations, a premonitory +restlessness, which pressed on to a new life. + +And behold! At the same time as the day before the door opened, and in +stepped two elegant young men, who emitted a strident "good evening." +Their manner was both a bit assured and a bit abashed as they asked for +"an interesting book," while measuring Lilly with the stare of a +connoisseur. + +She felt her limbs grow heavy and rigid, as always when conscious of +being observed and admired. But she maintained her dignity, and when the +young gentlemen after selecting their trash (which they scarcely glanced +at) wanted to start up a bantering conversation, she tossed her head and +withdrew behind the bookcase L to N, which sheltered her when she sat at +the window-sill making her entries and calculations. + +The gentlemen took whispered counsel with each other, said a low +"good-by," and beat a retreat. + +So her jolly friend had betrayed her after all! + +From now on Mrs. Asmussen's poor little hole of a library swarmed with +slim young men of fashion, who were driven by an insatiable desire for +reading to exchange one musty old volume for another. + +Only a few dared come in uniform, but they did not withhold their names, +and the last page of the customers' book looked as if extracted from an +Almanac de Gotha. + +Some wrapped themselves in a coat of business-like correctness, others +came with careless assurance of victory. One man began to make love on +the spot, and another even had the audacity to bandy gross language over +the counter. The naivest one condescendingly inquired when within the +next few days he might expect a visit from her. + +Lilly soon came to see that these attentions neither honoured nor gave +hurt. She chatted freely with those who were courteous, refrained from +replying to those who were impertinent, and the instant a conversation +threatened to become lengthy she disappeared behind case L to N. + +Within a few days the sisters had discovered the aristocratic visitors. + +Their rage knew no bounds. Decency was thrown to the winds. Lilly was +not spared a single insult, a single abuse. Vile epithets such as she +had never heard poured over her in a dirty stream. The girls demanded +that she cede her place at the counter to them. She refused point blank, +whereupon they took to maltreating her. + +On occasions of greatest need Mrs. Asmussen came to her assistance. The +broom rained blows on the white nightgowns of the jealous furies, and +drove them into the back room, where the battle was drowned in rivers of +tears. + +Hostilities continued. In case business exigencies necessitated some +self-restraint during the day while customers were present, feelings +were given all the freer play in the morning and evening. + +Lilly's life became a veritable hell. + +A crust of hate and bitterness laid itself over her soul. Partly in +fright, partly in satisfaction she felt herself growing harder and +sharper. It was only at night that she melted, when she buried her +burning head in the pillows and gave vent to her misery in silent +weeping. + +The merry friend with the white lashes, who had caused the entire +catastrophe, did not put in appearance for about two weeks. He came in +dragging his legs a little, and his eyes were swollen and bleared. + +"This flower," he said, undoing the tissue paper of the package in his +hand, "is the picotee, which keeps fresh five or six days longer than +any parting pangs." + +At the sight of him Lilly felt a little comforting joy light up within +her. She took the bouquet as a matter of course, and reproached him for +not having kept his mouth shut. + +"I told you," he replied imperturbably, "that I am a man utterly devoid +of moral fibre." + +Then he informed her that the regiment had given him a farewell dinner +for good and all, and now there was nothing more urgent for him to do +than secure passage for somewhere--if he only knew where. + +"But we won't scratch our heads about _that_," he continued. "Brilliant +people such as you and I have brilliant careers. The path of my life +leads by still waters of cool champagne, and is paved with little meat +patties. That's kismet. No use struggling against it. Even if it finally +leads to a sugar-cane plantation in Louisiana, it's all the same to me. +One always comes across something new, and that's the main thing. For +the present the old man, who's taken a tremendous liking to me, wants me +to run about his estate as Fritz Triddelfitz." + +He laughed his high-pitched, almost inaudible laugh, which shook him +like a storm. + +Lilly wanted to know who the "old man" was. + +That a person should have to ask this seemed inconceivable to him. + +"Have you the least idea of life, if you don't know who the old man is? +The old man is the cat-o'-nine-tails. The old man decides what is good +and what is bad on earth. The old man breaks one man's neck and pays +another man's debts. He is the punch bowl of all our virtues and all our +sins. Withal the old man is eternally young. The old man sees you and +says to you: 'Come here, little girl. I'm a grey old horror, but I wish +to have you.' Then you have just enough courage left to ask 'When do you +want me, high and mighty lord?' You see, child, that's the old man. +They hist him on to you long ago, and if ever he should find his way to +you, then may the Lord have mercy on you! Then all's over and done for +with my poor young queen." + +"But I don't know yet who the old man is," said Lilly, whom this +enigmatic alarum was beginning to make a little uncomfortable. + +"Then don't ask," he replied, and held out his freckled hand in good-by. +"It's a pity for us two," he added, smiling at her tenderly and +compassionately from between his blinking lids. "We could so cosily have +enriched history with another famous pair of lovers." Leaning far over +the counter, "Since I am a man utterly devoid of moral fibre, I should +like to bestow one kiss upon you before I go." + +Lilly laughingly held her mouth up. + +He kissed her and walked to the door stiffly. + +"I can scarcely crawl, I'm so knocked up by my bout," he said, and with +that was outside the door. + +After this visit Lilly was seized with the same disquieting sense as +after his first visit. It seemed to her she was being flicked in sport +with tickling switches. But this time, joined to the other feeling, was +a certain anxiety which set her nerves a-tingle with a tormenting yet +soothing sensation, as if she were waiting outside a locked door of +gold, behind which an unknown fate was crouching ready to pounce on +her. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +Outside on the street the hilt of a sword and the buttons of a uniform +glittered in the noon sunlight of a December day. + +"A new one," thought Lilly. The stiff, thickset figure of the man who +clanked up the steps of the porch was unfamiliar to her. + +A masterful stamping outside the door. The bell rang more sharply than +usual. + +No, she did not know him. He was not a frivolous lieutenant, nor yet one +of the maturer ones, who played the dignified and watched with an +expectant smile for the first shy glance in order to extract from it +whatever they dared. + +She saw eyes piercing sharp as a falcon's with a close ring of mobile +crows' feet about them; she saw a severe high-bridged aquiline nose, and +gaunt cheek bones on which lay a well-defined spot of red finely chased +with purple veins. Under a short, bushy moustache she saw thin, +compressed lips, the corners of which turned up in a smile of mocking +benevolence. She saw a receding chin, polished to a shine by the shave, +and disappearing in two limp folds near the high collar. + +She saw all this as in a dream. Her heart began to throb so violently +that she had to lean against the bookcase. + +"Why, this is what I was afraid of," a voice within her spoke. "This is +the old man." + +He raised his hand carelessly to his cap, but did not think of removing +it. + +"Colonel von Mertzbach," he said in a voice whose rough intonations +spread a whole world of authoritative power before her. "I should like +to speak to you a few minutes. I have reasons for wishing to know you." + +Lilly felt she was to be subjected to a humiliating examination, which +she was by no means in duty bound to suffer. But never in her life had +she seemed so defenceless as at that moment. She felt as if she were +standing in the presence of a judge who had the right to pardon or +condemn entirely at his own discretion. + +Her lips trembled as she stammered something meant to express consent. + +"You seem to be an extremely dangerous young woman," he said. "Why, +you've fairly crazed my men, especially the younger ones--there's no +managing them." + +"I don't understand," replied Lilly, summoning all her courage. + +He uttered "h'm," stuck a monocle in his eye, and looked her up and +down, or rather looked down to the point where the top of the counter +cut her figure off. Then he uttered another "h'm," and observed: + +"It's very easy to play the innocent in cases like this. However that +may be, I can thoroughly comprehend my young men. Probably I myself +should not have behaved differently. But it seems that despite your +youth and--inexperience, you possess a very respectable amount of +feminine cunning, otherwise you would not have succeeded, in spite of +your irreproachably reserved manner--or, perhaps, just _because_ of your +manner--you would not have succeeded, I say, in bringing the young men +here on repeated visits--they are somewhat fastidious." + +Lilly felt the tears rising. It would have been easy to repudiate the +insults he offered her; but from where derive the strength to oppose a +word in defence to this man whose eyes disrobed her and drilled her +through and through, whose smile held her in a wire net? + +So she sat down and cried. + +He, in his turn, rose from his seat and stepped close to the counter. + +"How deeply your sense of honour has been wounded I cannot say offhand. +At any rate, it is not my intention to make you cry. On the contrary, I +should like you to give me with the utmost composure possible a little +information which will enlighten me and which may be of some importance +for your future." + +Lilly was conscious of only one thought: "You must pull yourself +together because he wants you to." + +She wiped her eyes and looked at him obediently, sniffling a little, as +when she had been scolded in her childhood. + +He asked her name, where she had been born, where her parents were, what +school she had attended, and what she was doing in the library. At the +mention of her guardian's name an ironic smile passed over his face. + +"I know the gentleman's views," he said. "So, in short, you have been +left absolutely alone in the world?" + +Lilly assented. + +"And it would not be disagreeable to you to have some mainstay--to know +someone to whom you could turn in moments of need?" + +"Where is a person like that to come from?" + +"Let me think it over at leisure," he said, wrinkling his forehead. "In +any case, you cannot remain in this hole. Do they treat you well here at +least?" + +"Oh, tolerably," said Lilly, and added between laughter and tears, +"Only--the food is bad and sometimes I get--" she was going to say +"beaten," but was ashamed to, and substituted "punished," which was a +perversion of the truth. + +The colonel burst into a laugh that sounded like the crack of a whip. + +"Very commendable in you to take the matter humorously," he said, and +rose to go. "Well, I know what I wanted to know. My men may continue to +come to you--in uniform, in civilian's clothes, whichever way they want. +They will find no more irreproachable company among the young ladies of +this town. Should they ever forget their manners, just drop me a line. +But I am sure they won't. Good afternoon, Miss Czepanek." + +Lilly watched him walk across the porch with the jerky, springy strut of +an old cavalry man. The wintry sun seemed to be shining for the sole +purpose of casting a dancing radiance about his figure. + +When he reached the pavement he turned to her window and lifted his cap +slightly but respectfully. The eyes behind the lowering brows pierced +hers, searching, almost threatening. Then he passed out of sight. + +Lilly's soul was assailed by a tumult of questions: + +"What was it? What was expected of her? Why wasn't she let alone?" + +She wanted to cry, wanted to pour out complaints and feel herself +pitied. But her trouble had a certain festal tinge, a certain +shadowyness and unreality. She bedizened herself with it as with a new +hope, and what he had said about some one to whom she could turn in +moments of need re-echoed in her soul like a soothing, easing melody. +Didn't it seem almost as if he himself wished to be the mainstay so +sorely lacking in her floundering young life? + +Perhaps he would get Mr. Pieper, who did not concern himself about her +at any rate, to give up his guardianship over Lilly. Or, perhaps the +colonel might even adopt her, or something like that. There was no +knowing. + +If only there had not been those dagger eyes, that amused laugh, and +that evil, evil look at the end, and above all her friend's warning: "If +ever he should find his way to you, then may the Lord have mercy on +you!" + +However, for all that, what could possibly happen to her behind the +counter? Nobody had ever dared to raise the drop leaf and pass through. +And surely she was safe behind the bookcase L to N, where she could not +even be seen. + +The colonel's visit seemed to have acted like a cold douche on his men, +despite--or, perhaps, on account of--the guarantee he had given for +their good behaviour. Not one of them came to visit her again. + +"Is that a sign of the protection he is to favour me with?" Lilly +wondered. + +Something was missing, she did not know what. + +A week passed, and one day the younger sister, who held watch every +morning for possible billets-doux, threw an envelope at Lilly's feet, +saying: + +"Something else again, with a coronet on it, you flirt, you!" + +"Flirt" was one of the milder titles of honour that the sisters lavished +upon her. + +Lilly opened the letter and read: + + "My dear Miss Czepanek:-- + + Remembering the interview that took place between us recently, + I take the liberty of making a proposition to you. The position + of private secretary and reader with me is open. Would you be + inclined to accept it? Since I am an unmarried man, it would be + in better form for you not to live in my house, but I pledge + myself to provide for your maintenance in a suitable and + respectable family. Your guardian, whom I took the opportunity + to consult in the matter, has given his consent to the plan. + + --Respectfully yours, + Freiherr von Mertzbach, + Colonel and Commander of the----Regiment of Ulans." + +So here it was--her fate! + +It was there, on the other side of the gleaming snowy street, beckoning +and calling to her: + +"Come out of your hole. I will show you life. I will show you something +new." + +But then she pictured herself sitting at the colonel's great desk +writing at his dictation. She saw his eyes drilling her, searching her +soul, and threatening, always threatening. The pen would fall from her +fingers, she would have to jump up and run away, but she would not be +able to; the eyes would hold her in a spell. + +So Lilly sat down and wrote a very correct letter declining his +proposition. She fully appreciated, she said, the honour he did her, but +she felt she was not qualified to assume so difficult a position, and +she thought that even if she was not so well off she did better by +remaining in her modest situation, since she could fulfil the duties it +involved. "Very gratefully yours, Lilly Czepanek." + +Done! Peace at last restored--as much peace as the bad sisters +permitted. + +Christmas was drawing near. It cannot be stated with accuracy that the +preparations in the Asmussen household produced an atmosphere of mirth. + +For weeks Mrs. Asmussen had been sighing over the bad times and the +nuisance of having to give everybody in the world a gift. The sisters +discussed as frequently and as loudly as possible the question whether +it was necessary for refined and aristocratic young ladies to share a +Christmas tree with low and vulgar hussies. There was no indication +whatsoever of those gladsome mysteries that at this time brighten the +saddest of human habitations. + +Lilly knitted a brown sweater for her mother, bought her two picture +puzzles, a box of sweets, and a wooden vase for flowers--objects of +china, being breakable, were not desired--and sent them to the asylum. + +At this time her thoughts frequently wandered from her mother to her +father, who had now been gone four and a half years, and in that time +had given no sign of his existence. + +In the forlorn condition she was in, her confidence in his return waxed +strong. Christmas eve, about six or seven, he would suddenly enter, snow +covering his havelock, and draw her into his embrace with that +demonstrative ardour peculiar to him. She almost breathed in the +fragrance always streaming from his anointed locks. That was one way. +Another was, a servant would bring a little package as a preliminary +greeting. Inside would be costly material for a dress. A hat would come, +too. She needed it badly. + +After the others had gone to sleep she would fetch from the bottom of +her trunk the score of the Song of Songs and softly hum the more +beautiful arias. + +There were some passages which always made her cry. Oh, she cried a +great deal these nights. Yet at this very period a tiny, hesitating +sense of happiness found its way into her being. + +It was a lovely, dreamy feeling of being lifted up, of growing wings, of +astonished listening to inner voices, which sounded sweet and familiar +as words from a mother's lips, yet strange, like a gospel from the mouth +of one who was still to come. + +Now and then she found herself kneeling in her nightgown, but not +praying, merely dreaming, with arms outspread and rapturous eyes raised +to the lamp, as if the salvation she was awaiting would approach from +somewhere up there. + +Thus, after all, she celebrated Christmas in the quiet of her soul. + +Christmas eve was at hand. + +At the eleventh hour a few gifts were scraped together. The sisters ran +about like wild animals making their preparations. They even bestowed a +few kindly words on Lilly, who showed her gratitude by winking when the +older sister had to look for something near the cash box. Lilly knew +there was not much inside, and should anything be missing later she +would replace it from her own funds. + +A few minutes before suppertime she was summoned to the back room, where +the Christmas tree was already lit. The company was embarrassed. + +The sisters held out their hands. Mrs. Asmussen, who was already sitting +over her medicine glass, delivered a few dignified words about the +significance of Christmas in general and her misfortune in particular in +having to forego the company of so splendid a husband on such an +occasion. + +Then everybody asked everybody else's pardon because the presents were +not more munificent. First of all, there had been a "must," which ought +not to exist for refined souls, and which at first caused great chagrin. +Then all of a sudden time had grown short. Besides, the apron with the +red edge was very decent--they themselves had long been wanting one like +it--and the pen-wiper was not to be despised, either. Above all, +business had been bad. + +"I am ashamed to say, I have nothing at all to give," Lilly answered. +But what she was most ashamed of was that she now felt kindly disposed +toward the sisters. + +"I haven't a bit of character," she thought, as she bit into the +marchpane which the older, the wickeder one, offered her. + +The library bell rang. A lackey loaded with parcels stumbled in and +asked: + +"Does Miss Czepanek live here?" + +Lilly's heart leapt. + +"From papa--actually from papa!" she rejoiced. + +For a few moments she scarcely dared touch the packages. She ran about +the room helplessly passing her hands over her hair. She did not venture +to undo the cords until urged on by the sisters. They stood next to her, +staring with great, greedy eyes. + +The things those boxes contained! A light cloth dress trimmed with lace, +a delicate foulard dress, a pink silk petticoat, black patent leather +and tan shoes, six pairs of glace and undressed kid gloves, some of them +elbow length, three kinds of collars, a fichu of Valenciennes lace to +wear with empire gowns, books, writing paper, conserved fruit, and more +things, and still more, many more--the boxes seemed bottomless. Even the +hat she had hankered for was there, a simple shepherdess shape of light +grey felt, which shape had always been most becoming to the grand style +of her features. It was trimmed with light brown ribbons and +silver-tipped pompons. + +A veritable trousseau! + +The sisters began to pull long faces. Lilly, too, soon ceased to +rejoice. She was full of apprehension. All she wanted now was to find a +letter, a card, some token of the sender's personality, which surely +accompanied the gifts. She groped for it nervously. Though she had long +given up all thought of her father and his return, an instinct of +self-preservation impelled her to pretend in the sisters' presence that +it was he, and only he, who had poured this flood of treasures over her. + +At last--underneath the gloves--she found an envelope and ran off to the +library with it. + +There beneath the hanging lamp she drew out a visiting card and paled +with fright as she read: + +"Freiherr von Mertzbach, Colonel and Commander of the----Regiment of +Ulans," followed by a few lines in the heavy, bold strokes with which +she was acquainted: "from the depths of his own loneliness wishes his +lonely little friend an hour of Christmas joy." + +She returned to the back room, where the sisters, green with envy, +received her with a chilly smile, while Mrs. Asmussen, nodding over the +steaming glass, dropped fragments of mysterious words. + +"The things actually do come from papa," said Lilly, amazed at the +strange, stifled sound of her own voice. + +The sisters gave a short laugh, and silently began to put the gifts back +into the boxes. + +Lilly was holding a little porcelain bon-bon dish filled with fragrant, +odd-looking confections. She glanced hesitatingly from one sister to the +other without daring to offer them the sweets for fear of being repulsed +with some abusive word or other. She set the lid--a little rose-wreathed +Cupid--back on the delicately cut rim, let the dish sink down among the +other gifts in one of the boxes, crawled to the corner where she slept, +and cried bitterly. + +The sisters whispered together a long time. They built a pyramid of the +boxes on the counter and passed by it at a respectful distance. + +The next morning Lilly summoned a porter from the street and returned +everything to the donor without a word of explanation. + +Then she went to the sisters and said: + +"I didn't tell you the truth yesterday. The gifts did _not_ come from +papa. So I returned them." + +The sisters, who had come toward her with a sweet-sour air of +attentiveness, made no effort to conceal their disillusionment. + +"Well, I didn't take her for such a muff!" said the younger. + +"She's not," said the older sarcastically, who, true to her nature, +scented an _arriere pensee_. "On the contrary she's particularly +calculating--wants to drive her adorer still madder. I hope she doesn't +get stuck at her own game. Even the blindest mortal soon comes to know +the difference between false and _genuine_ worth." + +Therewith, in order to furnish on the spot an example of the genuine +quality, she drew her petticoat tight about her legs with her left hand +and with her right hand gathered her matinee close under her bosom, and +sent Lilly a smile of utter contempt from over her shoulder, such a +smile as only lofty souls can summon on occasion. + +Nevertheless, Lilly noticed that from now on she was treated with a +certain heedfulness, from which she deduced that something was still +expected of her. + +During the next few days nothing of importance occurred, though the day +after Christmas a few of the young gentlemen had put in appearance +again. Their manner was jerky as they exchanged their books, they outdid +themselves in politeness and they showed no disposition to make +themselves at home on chair or counter. + +Then--the day before New Year--Lilly received this letter: + + "Dear Miss Czepanek:-- + + You shamefully mistook the motives that led me to send you + those Christmas gifts. I feel I must justify myself and bring + about a perfect understanding between us. I have plans + concerning you which I should like to set before you + personally, but my position forbids my visiting you repeatedly, + and I would ask you, if your future is dear to you, to come to + my house to-morrow evening. I shall expect you some time before + eight. I give you my word of honour for your safe return. + Yours, + + Mertzbach." + +To go or not to go. + +That night Lilly did not sleep a wink. + +If only the feeling of dread had not obsessed her, dread which robbed +her of breath and the power to defend herself. If the mere thought of +him brought it on, what would become of her should she stand before him +face to face? + +She finally decided not to go, while she knew for a certainty she _was_ +going. + +She lived through the day as in a dull dream. + +In the afternoon she obtained permission from Mrs. Asmussen to attend +New Year's eve service. The sisters, who spied upon her every movement, +exchanged significant looks, but seemed too preoccupied with their own +affairs to give hers their usual sweet attention. + +Lilly donned the old felt hat which many a storm had buffeted and many a +shower discoloured. Her winter coat made her look narrow shouldered, and +tug as she would, the sleeves refused to reach her wrists. + +If she had had her wits about her she would have been much too ashamed +to show herself before so aristocratic a gentleman in that garb. But she +was driven to her acts by something outside herself, not by her own +volition. Strange, mysterious powers seemed to be pushing her, invisible +hands to be helping her dress, smoothing her hair lower on her forehead, +raising the arch of her brows, and opening the buttons at her throat to +give her constricted chest the freedom of its young fullness. They +rubbed her cheeks, pale from lack of sleep, until they glowed with a +triumphant red. + +When she reached the street and the frosty breath of the winter evening +stroked her gently, she felt she was waking up at last. + +"Where are you going?" a voice within her asked. + +"Perhaps to St. Joseph," she answered evasively. + +But she did not go to St. Joseph. She made a wide detour about St. +Anne's, crossed the Altmarkt diagonally, saw the sisters sitting at +Frangipani's in the company of two admirers, with difficulty avoided the +assiduities of a gallant, and suddenly found herself in front of the +latticed gateway behind which, four flights up, the sewing machine had +rattled and clattered the last remnant of reason out of her poor, ruined +mother's head. + +Light was shining from the two dormer windows up there where Lilly had +once lived. + +Some one else was probably sitting there now, sewing shirts and drawers +and nightgowns, day and night, night and day. Lilly, too, would be +sitting there some day, bitterly ruing her lost youth as one regrets an +act of criminal folly. + +"If your future is dear to you," he had written. + +She faced about abruptly, and ran--ran--ran--without coming to a stop +until she reached the lighted house, in front of which a sentinel was +pacing and freezing as he kept guard over the highest dignitary in the +city. + +"Where are you going?" the voice within her asked again. + +To avoid answering, she rushed up the wide carpeted stairway and came +upon a lackey in silver-striped knickerbockers, who without question +quietly relieved her of her umbrella, while the shadow of a mischievous +smile flickered across his pudding face. + +High white doors were held open for her, red-shaded lamps shone like +great flowers, beautiful bare-shouldered women with tiaras in their hair +smiled down on her from oval gilt frames. + +It was so silent and warm in the spacious rooms you could lie down on +the soft carpet and go to sleep. If only there had not been that feeling +of dread which was tightening about her throat and brow like a net drawn +closer and closer. + +Another door flew open. Beyond was green twilight, as in a thick forest, +and from out of the twilight _his_ figure came toward her, broad, +resplendent, clanking. She felt her hand being taken, felt herself being +led into the green dusk. Bookcases towered before her like black walls. +From somewhere came the threatening glitter of swords, helmets and +armour. + +She did not dare look at him. Even after she had been seated in a tall, +dark arm-chair, whose top hung over her head like a canopy, she had not +given him a single glance. + +She heard his voice, whose resounding roughness seemed to have been +muffled to vibrating organ tones. + +It was all unearthly, all that she perceived and felt. It was not +heaven, it was not hell. It was a region of anxiety and dreams, where +souls hovered between deprivation and fulfillment in a state of +lethargy. + +At last she understood his words. There was nothing unearthly about +them. They dealt most rationally with the Christmas gifts, the return of +which he did not consider final. They were securely stowed away biding +the time when their mistress would graciously deign to receive them. + +Lilly with a frozen smile on her lips merely shook her head. She could +not summon the courage to voice a refusal. + +"And now you will ask me, my dear," he began anew, "what impels me, a +man advancing in years, to hang on to your skirts like a pertinacious +lover." + +At the words, "advancing in years," she looked up instinctively. + +There he sat, too sharply illuminated by the light of the green +student's lamp. The orders on his breast gave out a subdued, golden +lustre. The silver tassels of his epaulets quivered and glittered like +little snakes. There was a shimmer upon and around him like the halo +about a saint in gold and brocade. + +Confused and abashed by all this glory Lilly quickly sank her gaze +again. + +"I went to you that time," he continued, "because a dispute had broken +out among some of my younger men, of which you were the subject. The +matter promised to take a dangerous turn and it had to be adjusted. I +expected to find a pert, coquettish little shop girl, and I found--well, +I found--_you_. Now you will ask what I mean by 'you,' because you +yourself cannot possibly be aware of your good points, or, rather, your +potentialities--everything in you is still in process of becoming. I am +what they call a connoisseur in women, my child, and behind that which +you are to-day, I see that which you will be some future day, _if_--this +'if' is the main thing--if the opportunity is afforded you for proper +development. You might go to ruin among your old books. In case you have +the courage to entrust your fate to my hands, I should like to assume +the care of directing your life into fitting channels." + +That sounded composed and paternal. + +Lilly felt herself breathing easier, experienced a little relaxing +hopefulness. She ventured to raise her look once more, and beyond the +gold and silver dazzle she saw a pair of brilliant glassy eyes, which +had lost their sharpness and were fairly forcing themselves on her with +a mighty, greedy questioning. The shuddering and stiffening came upon +her anew. She sat there motionless with paralysed will, while she +thought: + +"Of what avail? He will do whatever he wants with me at any rate." + +He went on. + +"I own a beautiful old estate, Lischnitz, in West Prussia, near the +Vistula, to which my duties prevent me from going frequently. My +household there is managed by a middle-aged aristocratic lady, Miss von +Schwertfeger--but her name's immaterial. If you were to go there she +would receive you with open arms, I promise you that, and you would have +an opportunity to develop under the most favourable conditions into the +woman I already foresee in you. Your problems for the time being would +be solved, and I should benefit by finding my home, when I visit it, +lighted by a ray of youth and beauty." + +He had risen and in his eagerness to persuade began to pace about her +with short see-sawing steps. Each time he moved there was a clinking and +jingling like delicate dance music played on small bells. Finally all +she heard was this metallic ringing, and she no longer understood what +he said. + +She pressed against the back of her chair with an indistinct feeling +that he was tying her with cords, packing her up, and carrying her off +to some spot where no rescuer could hear her cries of distress. She knew +she would not offer the least resistance, so completely was she in his +power. + +"Look at me," he said. + +She wanted to obey, certainly--oh, she was so obedient! But she could +not. + +He put a finger under her chin and shoved her head back. She kept her +eyes almost closed and saw nothing except the red border of his military +coat. + +Suddenly she felt herself sinking. The red border mounted to the +ceiling, bees buzzed about her ears--then nothing. + +When she came to, something cold and wet was lying on her breast, and a +woman's clothes smelling of smoke grazed her cheek. + +The green twilight was still there. + +A breastplate was hanging in front of her. It looked like a brightly +scoured kettle. + +She did not dare move, she felt so comfortable and easy. + +A rough, bony hand kept chafing her forehead and a kindly voice repeated +two or three times in succession: + +"Poor little thing! Poor little thing! So young!" + +After a time Lilly could not help giving a sign of consciousness, and +the instant she stirred a sure arm came to the support of her head, and +the kindly voice asked, was she feeling better and did she want +anything? + +"I want to go home." + +"Not so easily done," said the voice, "because he gave orders that he +wanted to speak to you again. But if you'll take a good piece of advice, +say 'much obliged,' and 'good-by,' and be off as quickly as you can. +This is no sort of place for a poor young girl like you." + +Lilly sat up, and pulled down her waist. + +The cook was standing beside her--a brown, furrowed, thick-lipped face. +Stroking Lilly's shoulder she asked if she should bring her something to +strengthen her heart, a cordial beaten up with the white of an egg, or +something else. + +"I want to go home." + +"You shall, pretty soon, my dear. But I must call him in first." + +She hustled out of the room. + +Lilly reached for her hat, on which she must have been lying, because it +was completely crushed and misshapen. + +"Now I must certainly get a new one," she thought, and tried to reckon +how much she could spare for it. + +The door opened. He entered, followed by the cook. + +Lilly was no longer afraid. Everything seemed far, far away. Even he. +Nothing seemed to concern her any more. + +"I think she's fit to be taken to the cab already," said the cook. + +"You are no longer needed here," he said imperiously. + +The cook ventured to stammer another suggestion. + +"Get out!" he thundered. + +With that she was outside the door. + +Lilly experienced merely a lazy sensation of being startled. + +"Nevertheless, I'm curious to know what he means to do with me now," she +thought. + +But her interest in her own fate was not great. + +He walked up and down with a heavy tread. The silver spurs on his heels +jingled. + +"We'll have some light," he said. "The subject we're now to discuss +requires clearness." + +He summoned the lackey who had smiled the furtive, cunning smile. The +lackey lit the gas jets of the chandelier, and on leaving the room gave +Lilly a glance of wildly eager curiosity, this time without a smile. + +Lilly still sat on the couch on which she had come back to +consciousness, twirling her old hat without a thought in her brain. + +In the full light of the chandelier she saw the colonel in all his +resplendence still pacing silently up and down. + +Lilly could look him in the face without a flutter. + +"It's all the same to me what he does," she thought. "I cannot defend +myself at any rate." + +He moved a chair in front of her, and sat down--so close that his knees +almost touched her. + +"Now listen to me, my child," he said. His words rang out steely and +choppy as words of command at a drill. "While you were lying here in a +faint, I thought about you in the other room, and came to a +decision--but more of that later. You have long noticed, I suppose, that +my feeling for you is not paternal. The older I grow the less I +comprehend so-called fatherliness. To be brief--I am seized by a passion +for you which--rather upsets me. If I were ten years older than I am--I +am fifty-four--I should say: 'That's senile.' Do you know what I mean?" + +Lilly shook her head. + +She saw his face next to hers so distinctly that, had she never looked +upon it again, she would have remembered it to the end of her days. + +His eyes embedded in red puffs, burned and bored again in the way that +had frightened her so at first. His hair lay in bristling strands of +grey at his temples and over his ears, but his moustache was black as +coal, and shadowed his dark teeth like a spot of ink with a white line +down the centre. From his mouth started the two limp folds which passed +his shiny chin and disappeared in the collar of his military coat. + +"How strange," thought Lilly, "that I must be the mistress of that bad +old man." + +But he wanted it so, and there was nothing else to do. + +"If you were to make inquiries concerning me," he continued, "they'd +tell you that despite my age, I know how to subdue women--probably +because I never respected them any too highly. But this time--how shall +I say?--the affair is in a manner peculiar. I need not conceal it--I +cannot sleep. I haven't slept for many nights; which has never happened +to me before. Such a state of matters may not continue, and I pledged +myself to make an end of the absurdity in some way or other at the death +of the old year." He looked at the clock. "I have half an hour still. +I'm expected at a function. In short: it's true, I wanted to seduce you. +That is, for a man of my years, who hasn't anything seductive about him +any more, seduce is not the right word. At any rate not here; I'd given +my word of honour in my letter. But you _were_ in my power--you need not +doubt that an instant." + +"I don't," thought Lilly, who was listening to all he said with as +little concern as if she were reading it in a thrilling romance. The old +fear had not returned. She was still waiting with lazy curiosity for +what was to follow. + +"If you had showed fight, you would have been defeated all the more +certainly. I am somewhat of an adept in such things. But your fainting +spell occurred, and gave me an insight into your soul. I had to admit I +should never have taken joy in my conquest. You're fine stuff, and I +have no use for someone who would pine. Tearful mistresses have always +been a horror to me. I love my comfort. I have had experiences I should +not like to repeat. So, while you were lying here with my cook to take +care of you, I determined I was on the wrong course." + +Lilly had a warm sensation of happiness, as if some great act of +kindness were being shown her. + +"How noble, how glorious of him," she thought, "to let poor stupid me +alone." + +She cast a furtive glance at his hands hanging between his knees. They +were yellow and long and bony. Had she not been ashamed to, she would +have leaned over and kissed them, to show her gratitude. + +The next moment she felt almost sorry that so noble a man should have +nothing to do with her any more. + +"I took further counsel with myself," he continued, and his voice was +still steelier, as if tempered in the fire of his resolve. "The idea was +not a new one. It had occurred to me frequently. At first it seemed +ridiculous, then it came to be a last resort, from which I would not cut +myself off, in case circumstances warranted--I am taking that way now. +Why shouldn't I? I'm not very ambitious. I'm too well acquainted with +the vile machinery of the government. It doesn't pay to oil it any +longer than need be with one's sweat and blood. So the idea of quitting +doesn't frighten me--of course I shall have to leave service. Perhaps I +should at any rate. There are days when I can scarcely keep the saddle +because of that cursed rheumatism in my hips." + +"Why is he telling me all this?" thought Lilly, not a little flattered +that so great and aristocratic a man should discuss such weighty matters +with her. + +"What exercises me more is that a whole generation stands ready to +revenge itself for the robbery perpetrated upon it. To be sure, a strong +hand would do some good. We should have to dare something--why not our +side as well as the other? Well, what do you say, child?" + +Lilly did not reply. She was ashamed that she was so stupid as not to +have extracted a single idea from all he said. His words sounded like +Hottentotese. + +"Well, will you--yes or no?" + +"I don't know--I don't understand what you mean," she stammered. + +"Good Lord! I've been asking you all this time whether you'll be my +wife," said the colonel. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +The great moment of her hopes had arrived. + +"Is this you, Lilly Czepanek, to whom such things happen? Or, is it +someone else, with whom you changed places, some character in one of +your brown-backed books, who will cease to live the instant you close +it?" + +He had not insisted on an answer that New Year's Eve. When she had +fallen back in a tremble, incapable of uttering a syllable, incapable of +thinking, he had taken her hands in his, and with the smile of a +gift-giving god had begun to talk to her in a softer, gentler tone than +she had thought possible in him. He told her to think the matter over; +she might take three days, no, a week; he would have patience. But she +must promise not to say a word about it to anybody. + +She promised willingly, though she could not look him in the face, she +was so horribly ashamed. + +Then she had run home, and cried and cried without knowing whether from +bliss or misery. When the sisters came creeping in at four o'clock in +the morning--they had let down the bars of their propriety on New Year's +Eve--she was still crying. + +On rising, she came to the conclusion he could not possibly have been +serious and he would take the first opportunity to recant--perhaps that +very day. + +She would not complain if he did. On the contrary she would breathe +freer, and thank God for having rid her of the presence of a phantom. + +At ten o'clock the bell rang. + +A box of roses was delivered, the size and cost of which aroused the +disapproving amazement of the sisters, who knew to a penny the price of +roses at that season, and reckoned a sum greatly exceeding Lilly's wages +for several months. + +"I cannot for the life of me see," said the older, "why you don't yield +to such a magnificent admirer. With us, of course, it's different. We +belong to society, and we cannot give ourselves up. But you, nothing +more than a shop girl, with no family to have to consider! Besides, +there's no doubt but that shame has its charms. I in your place would +make a venture--" + +The younger and more sentimental sister opposed the older one's advice. + +"The first time it should be from pure love," she said. "You owe it to +your own soul, even if you are only a shop girl." + +Without coming to an agreement upon this debatable point, they went off +to witness the change of guards, which Colonel von Mertzbach, they said, +contemplated directing in his own person on New Year's day, and the +Colonel, reputed to be a very handsome man pursued by all the +marriageable girls in society, was someone they wanted to see. + +Lilly patted and kissed the roses of the upper stratum, and would have +done the same to all in the box, had there not been so many. + +Then she took heart, locked the door, and went to St. Anne's to pay St. +Joseph a visit. + +She nearly met the officers hastening to the main guard face to face, +but managed in the nick of time to escape down a side street. + +High mass had just concluded and had left an odor of incense and poor +people between the arched aisles. A few persons were still praying at +the side altars. + +Lilly kneeled before her saint, leaned her head against the +velvet-covered rail, and tried to lay bare her torn heart in order to +obtain counsel and help. + +"May I? Shall I? Can I?" + +Oh, she longed to. Such a piece of fortune would never come her way +again, never, never. To be rich, a baroness, to have all the splendours +of the universe laid at her feet. Where outside of fairytales do such +marvels occur? + +If only there hadn't been one thing about him. But what that one thing +was she could not determine. + +It wasn't his eyes, no matter how dagger-like they looked. It wasn't the +bristly hair on his temples either, nor the grating voice of command. + +Now she knew! It was the two dewlaps that fell from chin to throat. Yes, +that's what it was. No use trying to dissemble with herself and pretend +she did not see them. She shuddered at the mere thought of them. + +None the less, the sisters had called him a _handsome_ man, and rich, +aristocratic women ran after him. It would be sheer folly to refuse. + +And wasn't he the noblest, the best, the most exalted of men? Wasn't he +like God Himself? + +She imagined herself living and breathing for him. She would sit at his +feet and learn. She would flutter about him like a gay bird. No, she +could not imagine a person being gay in his presence. But a person could +be poetic. You could languish away into unknown remotenesses, gaze at +the evening clouds, present a noble, pale picture, up to which strange +young men would look with consuming passion, and be honoured by not a +glance in return--she could do this, because her life would be dedicated +to the one who was to be her protector, friend, and father, who would +elevate her to heights from which otherwise a ray would never have +fallen upon her. + +"I will, I will!" life within her cried. "Dear St. Joseph, I will!" + +St. Joseph raised a threatening finger. + +But St. Joseph always raised a threatening finger. He couldn't help +himself. That was the way the sculptor had made him. The sight of that +finger, however, was vexatious and not calculated to help a poor human +being out of a dilemma. + +The next day she received a letter from Mr. Pieper, asking her to call +at his office on a matter of great importance. + +Hot and cold waves shivered up and down her back. + +"He knows," she said to herself. + +Mrs. Asmussen was greatly displeased when Lilly asked for permission to +go out. + +"You get flowers and expensive gifts, and you want to leave the library +every day. I very much fear me I shall have to offer up a daily prayer +for you again." + +But Lilly showed her the guardian's letter, and she yielded. + +Lilly had not seen her guardian since the day, a year and a half before, +when she had left the hospital tottering from weakness. Timidity had +prevented her from availing herself of his invitation to visit him +again. Besides, there had been no occasion to. Nobody had inquired for +her. From time to time a tall, dry man, whom she recognised as Mr. +Pieper's managing clerk, had called on Mrs. Asmussen and held a short +conversation with her. This was the one sign that the man to whose +protection Lilly had been consigned thought of her. + +"Mr. Pieper says, will you please walk in," said the clerk. + +The prominent lawyer, as on the previous occasion, was sitting behind +his desk. When Lilly entered, he raised his head, and inspected her a +few moments in silence. Then he smiled and rubbed his shining pate, and +said in a long drawl: + +"U--m--m! So--o--o!" + +His eyes glided over her body as over a piece of goods for sale. + +Lilly, whose respect for the man rendered her breathless, made a gesture +which was half bow, half courtesy, and pulled at the short sleeves of +her overcoat. + +"Now I understand," continued Mr. Pieper. "You have developed in a way, +my child, which in a measure excuses all sorts of masculine absurdities, +even if it does not justify them--the masculine intellect is here to +suppress all ebullitions. I forgot my manners--good morning, Miss +Czepanek." + +He rose and held out his cold, spongy hand, which under pressure felt as +limp as if it were boneless. + +"Oh, do please show me your gloves," he said. + +Lilly started like a guilty thing, drew her elbows back, blushed and +stammered: + +"I was just going to buy a new pair." + +"Don't!" he rejoined, smacking his lips with gusto. "Grey rags like +these arouse emotion. Your cloak arouses emotion, too. Your clothes make +a piquant contrast to your general appearance. Lovers of such naive, +sentimental things are easily moved by them to lyric outbursts, even if +lyricism is not their forte." + +He laid his arm in hers with a confidential manner, and led her to a +heavily upholstered settee. + +"Be seated in this chair of torture," he said, "though to-day we're not +going to extract even a tooth. Taking everything into consideration, +you have done well for yourself. I am content with you, my child." + +He stroked his straw-coloured beard complacently, and grinned like a +trickster after the performance of a particularly artful dodge. "When do +you think the wedding will take place?" + +"Why, there has not been--an engagement--yet," stammered Lilly. + +"Well, there won't be what is called a real engagement--sending out +notices and receiving visits, and so on. As little stir as possible, +Miss Czepanek, as little stir as possible. That's my advice. In the +delicate situation in which we find ourselves, contrary influences are +always to be feared." + +"I haven't said 'yes' yet," Lilly ventured to interject. + +This amused him immensely. + +"Who'd have thought it! A mock refusal! Who'd have thought it! I didn't +take you for so good a business woman, Miss Czepanek." + +"I am at a loss as to your meaning," said Lilly, who without fully +realising why, was growing hot with indignation. + +He put one hand to his hip, and continued to be amused. + +"Well, well, that's all very fine and practical. But you can't carry +such jokes too far. Let _me_ arrange matters. I have some knowledge of +these affairs, though, I admit, so important a case has never come to me +before. I will endeavour to hasten the wedding as much as possible--for +the reasons I have already mentioned. I will also ask for all possible +secrecy, at least until his resignation has been accepted. Then nothing +need stand in the way of securing the banns, since getting an adequate +trousseau need concern us in only a lesser degree. As for your conduct, +my dear child, I advise you for the present to remain as undecided, as +maidenly, as fresh as possible. The only change I suggest is to use +better soap. Everything else may continue to be just as it is. Perhaps +you will have to be placed with another family. In that case it will be +necessary, of course, to get an outfit, for which the sum realised from +the sale of your mother's effects, amounting to--one moment, please." He +opened a large account book lying on a rack next to his desk, "amounting +to--A, B, C, Czepanek--amounting to one hundred and thirty-six marks and +seventy-five pfennig, will come in very handy. AEsthetic enjoyment of the +circumstances leads me to place my own purse also at your disposal. +Well, so much for the time preceding the wedding! As to the incomparably +more important time following, I should not like you to leave my office +before I had given you a few delicate hints, although _unfortunately_, I +must deny myself the pleasure of--" + +He paused a moment, and rubbed his hands, while an epicurean, satyr's +smile widened his broad face. + +"The pleasure of taking a mother's place and giving you the advice with +which a mother usually sends off a bride." + +This time Lilly understood him, and her hot shame seemed to spread a red +mist before her eyes. + +"You may trust me implicitly in such matters as a will, life insurance, +and alimony in case of divorce, provided, of course, you are the +innocent party--or even, in a sense, a bit guilty. You were not placed +in my keeping for nothing. However, there is _one_ circumstance--which +circumstance has to be taken most frequently into consideration in +marriages like yours--_one_ circumstance in which my professional skill, +I am sorry to say, cannot provide you with adequate security. As to +that, you must keep your eyes wide open for yourself. We human beings +have been put in this world, my child, to do what gives us pleasure. +Whoever says the reverse steals the sun from your heaven. But I warn you +of three things: first, exchange no superfluous glances; second, demand +no superfluous rendering of accounts; third, make no superfluous +confessions. You cannot fully comprehend this yet--" + +As a matter of fact Lilly comprehended not a single word. + +"But when the occasion arises, think of what I've said. The recollection +may prove useful. And--here's something very important--do you love +jewels?" + +"I cannot say I have ever seen any." + +"Well, in the jeweler's window at the Altmarkt?" + +"We were always forbidden to stand in front of shop windows." + +Mr. Pieper laughed his vilest laugh. + +"I advise you when you are out walking with your husband to stand in +front of _every_ shop window. Such little attentions may seldom be +reclaimed. Pay special regard to pearls. In that way you will lay by a +little reserve which will stand you in mighty good stead in your hour of +need--and your hour of need will come, you may be sure it will." + +Lilly nodded her head and thought: + +"I will never, never, do that." + +Mr. Pieper stroked his shining bald spot several times with his plump, +white hand, and continued: + +"Well, what else have I to say to you? I have a good deal more advice to +give, but I fear not being understood. Just one thing, for the first few +months. Marriage, no matter what sort of marriage, causes a peculiar +derangement of the nervous system in natures like yours. Should you feel +an inclination to cry, take a bromide. In general, take plenty of +bromides--whether in case of great love, or--hm--great aversion. At +certain times pull a cap over your head, so that you see nothing, hear +nothing, and feel nothing, and, as it were, shunt yourself off from what +goes on around you, yourself, your volition, and your feelings. The +close atmosphere of the chamber which will at first envelope you will +gradually evaporate--in this case probably at the end of a few months. +Then you will breathe fresh air again, and instead of a tester, you will +once more see the heaven of your maiden days. But, whatever happens, it +is dangerous when one's nerves are overstimulated, to direct one's fancy +too much upon the immediate environment and seek the necessary +compensation that very instant. Turn from what is near, and dream about +the remote blue mountains. Let your happiness ever dwell at a safe +distance. You are young. It will draw closer. Give it time to become +full fledged. I assume you haven't understood a word." + +"Oh, yes I have," stammered Lilly, who wished not to be considered +stupid, though he was right--his words fell upon her like hailstones, of +which she was able to gather only a few here and there. Nevertheless, +she had understood the last part, that about dreaming of the remote blue +mountains. It did her heart good, and she would take his advice. + +"However that may be," Mr. Pieper continued, "some sentence or other +will occur to you on occasion. One point more, the most delicate of all, +because it is, so to speak, the most spiritual. If what is about you +gives no sound or response, if it does not echo to your call, you must +not grieve, nor attempt to alter it. Cracked bells should not be rung. +Rather make your own music. If I am not mistaken, you have a whole +orchestra at your disposal." + +"I have the Song of Songs," thought Lilly, triumphantly. + +"You cannot imagine, my child, how important it is, when one lives in +such close contact with another human being, not to lose one's touch +with oneself. Keep a corner reserved for your own thoughts--they will +amuse you greatly. He who likes to eat fresh eggs must raise his own +chickens. Don't forget that. But keep your corner to yourself. Offer no +superfluous resistance. No obstinacy. From the very start you must +provide the course of your life with a double track, so that you can +ride in either direction, as need be. I shouldn't wonder if under such +conditions it wouldn't turn out to be quite a happy marriage, entirely +apart from the external advantages--so long as they last--these are +matters of adaptation and good luck which our will cannot control in +advance. I will send you the marriage contract sealed. Until your coming +of age--in about two years, I believe--I am at your disposal. If after a +time you see that the milk in your cup has turned permanently sour, +break the seal. A thorough lawyer can read all sorts of surprises out of +the contract, which laymen do not immediately realise. But, as I said, +in _one_ case he cannot. Beware of that one case. It is called _in +flagranti_. Some time cautiously inquire into its meaning. There you +are! Now, may I give the colonel your consent?" + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +The train rumbled on in the night. Showers of sparks flew past the +window. When the stoker added coal, a beam of light was projected far +into the darkness, and for an instant created out of the black void +purple pine trees, snowy roofs gleaming golden, and fields mottled with +yellow. + +How beautiful and strange it was! + +Lilly leaned her head, heavy with champagne, back against the red velvet +cushion. + +It was over. A whirl of images, real and imaginary, flitted back and +forth in her brain. + +A great black inkwell and a little man with a grey beard behind it +asking all sorts of useless questions. A white cloud of lace and a +myrtle wreath thrown over her head by the wife of the manager of the war +office, who fell from one fit of rapture into another. A hateful +Protestant minister with two ridiculous little white bibs. He looked +like a grave-digger, but he spoke so exquisitely, after all, that you +wanted to throw your arms about his neck, and cry. Two black and two gay +gentlemen. One of the black gentlemen, Mr. Pieper, one of the gay +gentlemen, the colonel. + +"The colonel's wife--the colonel's wife," throbbed the wheels. + +But if she listened carefully, she also heard them say what the +gentlemen had kept saying to her that day: + +"La--dy Mertzbach--La--dy Mertzbach." + +Keeping time. Keeping time. + +The ice cream had been a perfect marvel, a regular mine with shafts and +tunnels and mineral veins, and little lights, which set the cut-glass +a-sparkle. She could have sat there forever staring at it, but she had +to dig in with a large gold spoon, so that a whole mountain side gave +way. + +Then she had asked him whether she might have ice cream to eat every +day, and he had laughed and said "yes." If she had not been a bit tipsy, +she would not have been so bold, certainly not. And she determined to +ask his forgiveness later. + +There he sat opposite, piercing her with his eyes. + +That was the only embarrassing thing. If she weren't such a +chicken-hearted ninny, she would ask him to look somewhere else for a +change. + +But to-day she did not experience actual fear. Latterly the old dread +had gradually left her, as she came to realise how supernaturally dear +he was. Express a wish, and it was fulfilled. + +There was something else, about which, of course, she couldn't speak to +anyone. Merely to think of it was a crime. He was bow-legged. Regular +cavalry legs. They were a little short, besides, for his powerful body, +giving his stiff stride a springy sort of uncertainty, as if he were +endeavouring all the time to toe the mark, especially since he had +donned civilian's clothes and kept his hands stuck in his coat pockets. + +From time to time he leaned forward and asked: + +"Are you comfortable, little girl?" + +Oh, she was ever so comfortable. She could have reclined there the rest +of her life, her head leaning back on the red velvet cushion, the soft +kid gloves on her hands and the natty tips of new boots every now and +then peeping from under her travelling gown. + +What a crowd there had been at the station! + +No uniforms, of course, because he had not desired an official escort. +To compensate, the number of veiled ladies had been all the greater. +They pretended to have business to attend to on the platform, and tried +to be inconspicuous. + +When Lilly walked to the train leaning on his arm, she caught two or +three muffled cries of admiration. And God knows, they did not issue +from friendly lips. + +It all circulated about her heart like a warm, soothing stream. + +At the last moment, as the train was moving off, two bouquets flew in +through the window. + +She looked out. There were the two sisters, making deep courtesies, and +weeping like rain spouts. + +So great was Lilly's fortune that even envy was disarmed, and all the +evil poison in these girls was transmuted into pained participation in +another's joy! + +And there he sat, the creator of it all. + +Overcome by a sense of well-being and gratitude, she knelt on the +carpeted floor of the compartment, folded her hands on his knees, and +looked up to him worshipfully. + +He put his right arm about her, pulled her close to him, and let his +left hand stray down her body. Fear came upon her again. She slid from +under his grasp back to her seat. He nodded--with a smile that seemed to +say: + +"My hour will come in due time." + +It was there sooner than she had suspected. + +"Put on your coat," he said suddenly, "we shall be getting out soon." + +"Where?" she asked, frightened. + +"At the station--you know--from which a branch line goes to Lischnitz." + +"Why, are we going to your place?" Lilly was terrified, because he had +always spoken of going to Dresden. + +"No," he said curtly. "We remain here." + +In a few moments they found themselves on a dark platform among their +bags and trunks. + +The icy mist formed rainbow-coloured suns about the few lanterns, and +white clouds of frozen breath enveloped each shadowy form as it stepped +into a circle of light. + +The train glided off. + +They stood there, and nobody concerned himself for them. + +The colonel began to swear violently, a habit acquired probably at +drill, when the world did not wag as he wished it to wag. + +His cries of wrath fell upon Lilly like great hailstones. Her whole body +quivered, as if she were at fault. + +Some of the station guards, to whom this tone of command seemed familiar +from times of old, loaded themselves with the baggage, and presented a +lamentable spectacle in their deep contrition. + +A hotel coach was waiting on the other side. Lilly thoroughly +intimidated squeezed into the farthest corner. + +The miserable little oil lamp burning dimly in a dirty glass case, threw +confused shadows upon his sharply cut face, and seemed to endow it with +a new flickering life, as if the wrath that had long been stifled were +still seething within him. + +"You are completely at the mercy of this bad old man, whom you don't +know, who doesn't concern you in the least, and never will concern you." +A chill ran through her. "Supposing you were to dash by him, tear open +the coach door, and run away into the night?" + +She pictured what would take place. He would have the coach stopped, +would jump out, and give chase, calling and screaming. In case she +managed to keep well concealed, he would rouse the police, and the next +morning she would be discovered cowering in a corner, asleep, or frozen +perhaps. + +At this point in her thoughts he groped for her hand as lovers are wont +to do. The phantom world vanished, and blossoming into smiles again she +returned his pressure. + +Nevertheless, when they reached the hotel where they were received by +the proprietor and clerks with enthusiastic bowing and scraping, and +Lilly felt a stream of light, sound, and warmth pouring toward her, the +fleeting thought beset her again: + +"If I were to say I had left something in the coach, and were to run +away and never come back?" + +She was already walking up the steps on his arm. + +They were ushered into a large, awe-inspiring room with a flowered +carpet and a bare, three-armed chandelier. + +In one corner was a huge bed, with high carved top and tail boards, +smoothly covered with a white counterpane. + +She looked about in vain for another bed. + +"St. Joseph!" shot through her mind. + +The colonel--when thinking of him, she always called him the colonel +still--behaved as if he were at home in the room. He grumbled a bit, +fussed with the lights, and threw his overcoat in a corner. + +She remained leaning against the wall. + +"If I want to flee now," she thought, "I shall have to throw myself out +of the window." + +"Don't you intend to budge until to-morrow morning?" he said. "If so, +I'll engage your services as a clothes horse." + +A smirking calm seemed to have come over him, as if he were at last sure +of his possession. + +He threw himself in a corner of the sofa, lighted a cigarette, and +looked at her with a connoisseur's gaze, while she slowly divested +herself of her cloak and drew out her hatpin with hesitating fingers. + +A knock at the door. + +A waiter entered bearing a tray with cold dishes and a silver-throated +bottle. + +"Champagne again?" asked Lilly, who still had a slightly sickish +feeling. + +"The very thing," he said, pouring a foaming jet into the goblets. "It +gives a little girl courage to dedicate the lovely nightgown waiting for +her in the trunk." + +She clinked glasses with him in obedience to his demand, but scarcely +moistened her lips with the wine. + +He jokingly took her to task, and she pled: + +"I shouldn't like to be drunk on such a sacred evening." + +Her answer seemed to gratify him immensely. He burst into a noisy laugh, +and observed: + +"All the better, all the better!" + +He attempted to draw her down to him, but contact with him made her +uneasy, and she eluded his grasp with a quick movement. + +"You said you wanted me to hunt for the nightgown." + +She knelt at the trunk, which she herself had packed the night before, +lifted the trays out, and from near the bottom fetched out the nebulous, +lacy creation, which was one of the many things he had bought her before +the wedding. + +She looked about for a retreat, but nowhere on earth was there escape +from that pair of eyes which swimming in desire followed her every +movement. + +Hesitating, faint-hearted she stood there, her fingers hanging to her +collar, which she did not venture to unfasten. + +Growing impatient he jumped up. + +He was about to seize her, but the look she gave him was so full of +despair that a knightly impulse bade him desist. + +To account for his action he picked up a roll of paper that had dropped +from the trunk while she had been rummaging for the nightgown. + +Lilly saw something white gleam between his dark fingers. + +"The Song of Songs!" occurred to her. + +With a cry she jumped on him and tried to snatch away the roll. But his +hand held it as in a vice. + +He defended himself with ease, laughing all the time. + +The thought that the secret of her life had strayed into alien hands, +deprived her of her senses. She cried, she screamed, she beat him with +her fists. + +The matter began to look suspicious. A doubt as to the virginity of her +soul, yea, even of her body, began to assail him. + +"One moment, little girl," he said. "There are no nooks or crannies for +hiding in now. Either you'll kindly let me see what this is without +further delay, or I'll take you between my knees and hold you so fast +you won't be able to move a muscle." + +Lilly took to pleading. + +"Colonel, dear, _dear_ colonel! A few sheets of music, and some songs, +that's all, I swear to you, _dear_ colonel." + +The droll innocence of her plea stirred his emotions; that humble, +unconscious "colonel" set him laughing again. Besides, the daughter of a +musician, as he knew her to be, might be expected to have ambitions. + +"You yourself probably compose?" he asked. + +"No--no--no--it's not that," she moaned. "But don't look in--give it +back to me--if you don't, I'll jump out of the window. I will, by God +and all the saints!" + +She pleased him so well with her eyes stretched in deadly terror, with +her hair loosened by the struggle, with the expression of a tragic muse +on the sweet, delicately cut child's face, that he wanted to enjoy the +rare sight a little longer. + +Accordingly, he assumed a black expression, and pretended to be what a +few moments ago he had actually been. + +She fell on her knees, and clasping his legs, stammered and whispered, +almost choked with shame and distress: + +"If you give it back to me, you can do with me whatever you want. I will +do whatever you want. I won't resist any more." + +The bargain, it struck him, was to his advantage. + +"Shake hands on it?" he asked. + +"Shake hands," she replied. "And never ask questions--yes?" + +"If you swear to me by your St. Joseph it's nothing but music." + +"And the libretto, I swear." + +He handed her the roll, and she gave herself up to him--sold herself to +the man who already possessed her for the Song of Songs, of which he had +robbed her. + + * * * * * + +The rays of early morning shining on her eyes through curtains striped +with yellow awoke her. She was resting comfortably pressed against +something warm. She had slept deliciously. + +What had happened to her came back to her slowly. + +She leaned over and wanted to kiss him. + +He was lying with his head thrown back, his mouth open. The light from +the windows was playing on his shiny, furrowed chin. Little veins +crisscrossed his gaunt cheeks like streams on a map. The inky moustache +glistened with pomade. His eyelids were folded over so often that Lilly +thought if they were stretched to their length they would reach to the +tip of his nose. + +"He doesn't look bad," she said to herself, but the idea of kissing him +passed out of her mind. + +She got up without making a sound, and all the time she dressed he did +not stir. The old cavalry man was blessed with sound sleep. + +She wrote on a sheet of hotel paper, "have gone to church," laid the +sheet between his fingers, and slipped out, down the steps and past the +porter, who was so astonished he forgot to pull off his cap. + +The streets of the little town were dreaming in the quiet of the winter +morning. Hillocks of snow swept from the middle of the street were +heaped in rows along the gutters. A black swarm of crows squatted in a +circle about the frozen fountain in the market-place. The faint sound of +sleigh bells penetrated the grey air. + +Boys carrying bags were wending their way to school. In some of the +sorry shops lights were still burning. Apprentices with ruddy cheeks +sweeping the steps stopped at Lilly's approach, and stared, or called to +others inside; whereat more youths appeared and all, as if moved by one +spring, goggled after her. + +Marching steps beat a tattoo behind her. A long line of infantry wearing +gloves--but no overcoats--came tramping along the middle of the street, +puffing clouds of frozen breath in front of them at regular intervals. +All turned "eyes left" toward her, as if that had been the word of +command, and the officers walking at the side of the line threw one +another questioning glances, and shrugged their shoulders. + +She did not have far to search for the Catholic parish church, which +towered above the roofs round about. It was a clumsy stone structure +with remnants of Gothic built over and stopped up with bricks. + +The alcoves along the side aisles were filled with altars barbarously +gilded and decorated with cheap garish vases. Her St. Joseph was nowhere +to be found. So she contented herself with Our Lady of Sorrows, who, +however, did not have much to say to her. + +An inexplicable feeling of oppression and emptiness seized her, as if +she had broken something, she did not know what. + +She kneeled and mumbled her prayers so unthinkingly that she was ashamed +of herself. + +Then she caught herself ogling her kid gloves which enveloped her +fingers with velvety, inconspicuous aristocracy. + +Every now and then a shiver ran through her body, which forced her to +close her eyes and clench her teeth--she was ashamed of the shiver, too. + +Soon she gave up praying entirely, and regarded Our Lady, who was +pulling a doleful face, as if to say: "Do, please, draw this thing out +of my body." Yet the seven swords piercing her heart had handles set +with pearls and precious gems. + +"If only I were unhappy," thought Lilly, "I'd have _something_. Then I +could carry on a conversation with her, the way I used to with St. +Joseph--and the swords in _my_ heart would be sumptuous to behold." + +As sumptuous as the pearl chain he had put about her neck yesterday at +the wedding. + +She recalled what she had been like two months before, when she had +stolen off for half an hour in the grey of early morning to lay her hot, +surcharged heart at the feet of her beloved saint--how she had been +borne off on clouds by the intoxication of youth, her gaze turned upon +the fair and blessed distance. + +None the less she had been steeped in misery and utter destitution. + +"If that's the way happiness looks," she went on with her thoughts, and +shrugged her shoulders. + +Suddenly she was beset with fear that those times would never return, +that she would have to live on eternally as now, empty-hearted, +distraught, tortured by a dull oppression. + +"This comes of not loving him enough," she confessed to herself. + +At last she knew what she had to pray for to Our Lady of Sorrows. + +She hid her face in both hands, and prayed long and fervently. She +prayed to be able to love him--with as much passion as she had drops of +blood--with as much devotion as she had hopes in her soul, with as much +delight as there was laughter in her heart. + +And behold! Her prayer was heard! + +With the burden removed from her soul, her eyes shining, she arose, and +returned to the place where she belonged, to serve him in humility and +trust--as his child, his handmaiden, his courtesan, whichever he +happened to wish. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + +The colonel wishing, on account of his mesalliance, to avoid his many +military friends, did not stop over at Berlin with Lilly, but went +directly on to Dresden, which they reached in three hours. + +He had engaged rooms at Sendig's, and the proprietor had done his utmost +to fit up snug and aristocratic quarters for the newly-wed couple. +Sitting-room, bedroom, and bath--that was all they needed. Close +companionship, the outer appearance of intimacy, would naturally bring +about inward intimacy. + +The colonel had good cause, indeed, to be satisfied with his honeymoon! + +He, who in the course of his many amours had probably dandled hundreds +of girls on his knees, who thought he knew women through and through, +the tart and the sweet, the chaste and the coquette, the sensitive and +the bold, the genuine and the flashy, those who confined their coy +caresses to a man's hand and lower arm, and those who hung on men's lips +biting and sucking them in a wild frenzy, he, the old voluptuary, to +whom nothing feminine ought to have been strange, stood astounded, +incredulous before this lovely marvel. + +So much abandon and so much pride, so much tenderness and so much fire, +so much ready comprehension and so much artless childishness, all +mingled in one dreamy, laughing Madonna head, had never before presented +itself to him, for all the fine art he had exercised in his roue's +career. + +What touched him most and completely puzzled him was the modesty of her +desires, the fact that she made no demands of any sort. + +When they took dinner _a la carte_ he might be sure her eye would travel +to the cheapest orders for herself; and the expression with which she +would sometimes prefer a request to be allowed to drink orangeade, was +as hesitating and shamefaced as if she were making a love avowal. + +One day, on returning from the Grosser Garten by way of side streets, +Lilly stood still in front of a poverty-stricken little provision shop. +As a rule nothing could induce her to look into shop windows, and the +colonel, curious as to her interest in the place, extracted from her the +confession that she loved sunflower seeds--and would he be very angry if +she asked him to buy some? + +The more he overwhelmed her with gifts, the less she seemed to realise +that money was being spent for her sake. + +The long dearth she had suffered prevented her from appreciating the +value of money, and whatever he put into her purse she handed out again +without hesitation to the first beggar she met on the street. Then again +it smote her conscience when he gave a flower girl two marks for a rose. + +Once, upon her doing one of these incredible things, which usually sent +the colonel into epicurean transports, he was seized with sudden +distrust. + +"I say, little girl," he said, "are you an actress?" + +Lilly did not even understand him. She looked at him with the great, sad +eyes of innocence she always made on such occasions, and said: + +"What are you thinking of! Since papa left I haven't even _seen_ an +actress. I haven't been inside a theatre once." + +That very day he ordered a box, and she danced about the rooms with the +tickets in her hand wild with joy. + +But her delight was dampened by his injunction to wear evening dress. +Lilly could not comprehend why one should have to bare one's neck and +shoulders in order to be edified by "The Winter's Tale." Besides, the +magnificence of the gowns filled her with discomfort. She would walk in +awe about the gleaming gala robes as circumspectly as about a thicket of +nettles. The colonel had had them made when in a giving mood, for no +real purpose, since it was impossible, of course, for the present to +introduce Lilly to society. + +When she appeared before him stiff and constrained, her eyes severely +fixed, her cheeks, however, glowing with the fever of festivity, her +delicately curved breast half concealed in a nest of white lace, the +fabulously exquisite chain of pearls about her swan-like throat--taller, +lither, apparently, more of a blossoming Venus than ever--the old robber +was seized by intoxication in the possession of his booty, the +magnificent gown came near being consigned to the wardrobe, and the +tickets to the waste basket; but Lilly begged so hard, that he choked +down his feelings, and got into the carriage with her. + +The colonel thought he had long ago outlived the banal delight of +shining in the eyes of strangers. He found he was mistaken. The old +bachelor experienced a new, unexpected sensation, to which he gave +himself up disdainfully, though feeling immensely flattered. After a +time he accepted his triumph as a matter of course. + +The instant Lilly appeared in the box the whole house had eyes for her +alone. The handsome, aristocratic couple, whose very being together +aroused speculation, busied everybody's imagination, and as soon as the +lights went up at the end of the first act, the whispering and +questioning and pointing of opera glasses began anew. + +Lilly had never before been in a box, and on entering she had started +back instinctively, feeling confused and alarmed. But accustomed as she +now was to implicit obedience, she took the chair to which the colonel +pointed without a word of protest. When she realised she was the object +of general attention, the old numbness came over her. She felt as if the +woman sitting there speaking and smiling were not herself but someone +else whose connection with her person was purely accidental. + +She did not awake from her torpor until the hall was thrown into +darkness again, and the curtain went up. Then the play wafted her to the +land of the poet, breathless, exulting, dismayed. + +After this, two Lillies sat in her seat--the one in blissful +self-forgetfulness flitting on the rainbow-coloured wings of childlike +fancy through heavens and hells; the other making precise gestures like +a wound-up doll, unconsciously imitating the manners of the well-bred; +at the same time feeling a strange, hot, torturingly sweet sensation +creep over her being: the intoxication of the vain. + +The triumph he had celebrated in the theatre was not enough for the +colonel. On returning to the hotel he did not have supper served as +usual in their rooms, but led Lilly to the general dining room, where a +gypsy band was playing and elegant folk of all descriptions were +spreading their peacock feathers. + +The game of the box was repeated in all but one respect. Lilly, carried +away by the dreamy magic of the violins, dropped some of her coyness. +Her cheeks glowed, her eyes swam, and stretching herself a bit she +ventured to take a tiny part in the sport. + +Two tables off sat a blond young man in full dress--white shirt front +and black tie like all the others. He kept staring at her with hot +persistence, as if she were a strange animal. + +She moved uneasily under this gaze, which caressed and gave hurt, which +spoke wild words in a foreign tongue, yet was nothing else than that sob +of the violins which feverishly quivered through her limbs, up and down +her body. + +Suddenly her husband faced about and surprised the admirer in the very +act. He stabbed him with one of his piercing glances, and soon the +miscreant vanished. + +The colonel's mood seemed to be spoiled somewhat. + +He said, "It's time to go," and led her upstairs. + +When he had her to himself, joy in his possession got the upper hand +again, mounting to a sort of triumphal ecstasy. + +Others might pasture on the delights of her evening attire; the winsome +asperity of her childlike features, on which life had not yet left its +traces, were good enough for display down there in the dining room--off +with the pearl chain! Down with the laces! + +He wanted her without covering of any sort, wanted to drink in with +greedy eyes the secret of her proudly blooming body, wanted to satiate +his hungry old age with the long-forbidden charms of strange, stolen +youth. + +Lilly, helpless, without will of her own, did what she had often done. +In shame that flamed afresh each time, she allowed him to tear the last +veil from her body. She threw herself on the carpet and rose again--she +danced, she posed as a worshipper, as a maiden in distress begging for +help, as a Maenad, a water-carrier, a coquette laughing between her +fingers--as anything he wished. + +This evening there was an additional something, which burned in her +blood like venom. A diffident desire, which was really a feeling of +repulsion--a love that clung to him in grateful self-abandon, while +secretly hankering for something else--for the sobbing of violins and +the hiss of conflagrations, a purple heaven dotted with stars, and the +deadly sweet yearning that dwelt in Hermione. + +When he had had his fill of the spectacle--and this came soon because of +his years--he made her don the loose gauze shirt worked with silver +thread with which he had presented her at the very beginning of their +stay in Dresden. Before he went to sleep she always had to dance in it a +while. Although the metal woof was icy cold and pricked like needles, +she soon became accustomed to it, since his will was her law. Then, +while she sat beside him on the edge of the bed, he smoked a cigarette +in bed, and laughingly retailed smutty jokes; which he called, "singing +his baby to sleep." + +Henceforth it was the colonel's pleasure to take meals in the common +dining room. He wanted to re-experience the prickly delight of seeing +his young wife admired and regarded with desirous eyes. The value of his +property seemed to be enhanced in the degree in which people smiled, and +envied him the possession of it. + +As for Lilly, she always took interest in perceiving the drunken +sensations of that evening arise in her again. With drooping lids she +might feel the silent flame of hopeless desire burn in so many hot young +eyes round about. And, carried away by the lamentations of the violins +and the hymns of the cymbals, she might flee to those dark and blessed +distances to which the way had been barred--she did not know by +what--since the hour her great happiness had come to her. + +Never did she permit it even to occur to her to return one of the +glances that forced themselves upon her by so much as the quiver of her +lids. The young men remained mere figurants on her stage, as necessary +as the other accessories, the lights, the music, the flowers on the +white napery, and the cigarette smoke ascending to the ceiling in blue +spirals. + +Nevertheless it happened that one day while she was walking along the +street on her husband's arm a look pierced to her heart. + +It came from a pair of dark eyes, which from afar had been turned on her +in a friendly, searching manner. On coming nearer they flared up, as +with a flash of recognition, into a sad fire. + +She felt as if she would have to hurry after the passerby and ask: + +"Who are you? Do you belong to me? Do you wish me to belong to you?" + +She was incautious enough to turn around and look back at him. + +For only the fraction of a second! + +But the incident had not escaped her husband. When she faced about +again, she saw his vigilant eyes resting upon her in distrust. + +And he nodded several times as if to say: + +"Aha! That's the point we've gotten to already, is it?" + +He remained absorbed and ill-tempered the rest of the day. + +That encounter was only the first of an endless series for Lilly. + +To be sure, she never met the same young man again, despite her diligent +watch for him; but a host of others took his place. + +Passersby no longer remained mere figures in a dissolving view, through +whom one looked as if they were non-existent. When she saw a slim man at +a distance whose contour and bearing appeared youthful she wondered +while waiting for him to draw near: + +"What will he be like? Will he look at me?" + +If he found favour in her eyes, and if his glance was not impudent, yet +was full of astonishment or desire, she would often feel a pang, which +said to her: + +"You suit him far better than this old man at whose side you are +walking." + +And each occurrence saddened her. + +It saddened her also if one she was pleased with happened to pay no +attention to her. + +"I'm not good enough for him," she would think. "He scorns me. I wonder +why he scorns me." + +In the dining room, on the Bruehlsche Terrasse, and at other elegant +places where there is a constant crossfire of furtive glances, her +bearing in its relation to her environment began gradually to change. +She acknowledged the incense offered her by a little grateful uplift of +her eyes, and she looked without embarrassment directly into the faces +of the scrutinising ladies; and although she had the keen vision of a +falcon, she would gladly have turned a lorgnette on them. But of this +she did not venture to breathe a word to the colonel. + +She was often tormented by the desire to bury her eyes in those of the +man looking at her, without decorum, without fear, without reserve--just +as he was doing. It would have been a mystic union of souls which would +do her endless good. Of this she no longer harboured a doubt. She was +starving, starving, starving--as she had never starved in her life. + +The colonel seemed not to notice in the least what was going on in her, +though a state of bitter warfare existed between him and all whose +glances besieged her. The eyes of the old Ulan were ever on the +look-out, and the one who was too persistent, ardent or melancholy was +stabbed with a dart from his eyes. + +It happened, however, that some paid no attention to his threats, and +even had the audacity to return what they received with raised brows. +This would cause him uneasiness. He would play with his card case and +begin to write something, then put the pencil back into his pocket, and, +as a rule, wind up with: + +"It seems to me we've strayed into bad company. We'd better be going." + +Despite his uncomfortable experiences he could not get himself to live +alone again with his young wife. Habituated from youth up to motley +associations, he required noise and light and laughter. But his +suspicions waxed, and finally fastened upon Lilly, too. + +He forbade the matinal visit to church, to which she clung so ardently. + +What she had done, following a mere impulse, after the first awaking at +his side, had by and by become a custom; and while he slept his profound +sleep she dressed without making a sound and slipped out into the +freshness of early morning. + +Going to church served as a pretext. + +Generally all she did was dip her fingers in the holy water and make her +three genuflections. Sometimes she even contented herself, untroubled by +scruples, with merely passing the church. + +For here was an hour of golden liberty, the only one throughout the day. + +First she hastened to the Augustus bridge to offer her breast to the +winds always blowing there and watch the waters course by far below. +Then she walked along the banks of the river, usually at a wild pace, in +order to gather in as large a harvest of pictures and incidents as +possible before creeping back to her husband's home. + +Everything the hour brought was pregnant with significance. + +The early morning mist lying red on the hills and descending to the +river in golden ribbons; the chorus of the bells in the Altstadt; the +first timid bursting of the boughs already russet with sap; the joggling +carts on their way to market; the hissing and sparking of the swaying +wires when the trolley-pole of an electric tram swept along underneath +them--all this was joy, it was life. + +Since she was not threatened with a gift in consequence she ventured +also to look into shop-windows, and greedily, in amazement, devoured +every morsel of art. + +An end to all this from now on! + +The gates suddenly swung shut through which she had escaped for a single +hour her perfumed life-prison overheated by desire and indolence. + +But she was so soft and pliant that she yielded without a murmur even in +her innermost being. + +It was his wish--that was sufficient. + +Such a quantity of love lay fallow in her soul and cried for activity +that in this time of inner conflicts she proffered him a double measure +of tenderness. She had to, whether she wished to or not, whether her +thoughts dwelled with him or glided off on the viewless path of dreams. + +She was his slave, his plaything, his audience; she dressed him, admired +his good looks, rubbed his hips with ointment, adjusted the hare's skin +about his loins to protect him against his gout; brought him his sodium +carbonate when he had eaten too much; massaged his grizzled head with +hair tonic, the pungent perfume of which nauseated her, and stood by to +help and advise when he trimmed his moustache. + +She did it all with eager devotion and ingenuous confidence, as if in +ministering to her husband she had found the end and aim of her +existence. + +Nevertheless he lost his supernatural, god-like qualities in her eyes, +became nothing more to her than a man, knightly to be sure, but +whimsical and vain; for all his mental force intellectually indolent; +for all his sensitiveness utterly brutal, and for all his thirst for +love an oldish man, whose powers had long been enervated. + +Not that she ever put it in this way to herself. + +Had she seen his characteristics so clearly she might have come to hate +and scorn him; for she was too immature to know that the witch's +cauldron of worldly life brews the same out of most men's souls, +provided the great feelings grow grey along with a man's hair, and he +has erected no altar for himself at which he may seek refuge while +sacrificing to it. + +But the picture her fancy had made of him shifted and changed colours +from day to day, taking on now one aspect, now the reverse, until a +little pity mingled with her terrified respect, and her childlike +relation to him was tinged by a certain motherliness, which would have +been ridiculous had it not had its roots in the unfailing warmness of +her heart, which transmuted another's weakness into cause for her +solicitude. + +Oh, if only she had not had to starve so! + +Starve, when sitting at a festive board each day decked anew with choice +viands. + +Every morning Lilly eagerly read the theatrical and musical +announcements posted in the hotel lobby, only to be drawn away swiftly +by the colonel, who in his little garrison town had lost all interest in +the arts. For lack of exercise his organs for perceiving and enjoying +had lost their functions, and he shrank back petulantly from the +intellectual work she expected of him. + +Everything in which he took pleasure, the exaggerated gaiety of the +music halls, the display of physical strength and agility, the loud +colours, soon became an abomination to Lilly after her first curiosity +had been stilled. + +Wild horses, the colonel said, could not drag him to Shakespeare or +Wagner again, then certainly not to a concert, the object of Lilly's +profoundest cravings. + +One day she saw an announcement of the Fifth Symphony, which was bound +to her childhood days by a thousand ties. She maintained silence, as was +proper; but when she reached their room she threw herself on the bed and +cried bitterly. He questioned; she confessed. With a bored laugh he made +the sacrifice and took her to the concert. + +She had not been at a concert since her father's last performance. + +When she entered she trembled, and suppressing her tears, drew the air +in through her nose. + +"You snuffle like a horse when he smells oats," joked the colonel. + +"Don't you notice there's the same atmosphere at all concerts?" she +asked in a joyous tremour. "Our concert hall at home smelt just like +this." + +But he had not noticed the similarity of smell, and he did not recall +the Fifth Symphony. + +"Such matters--" he began. + +She was indifferent to all that preceded the symphony. She wanted to +hear nothing but that trumpet call of fate which had once filled her, +when just blossoming into womanhood, with a shudder of foreboding. + +The call came and knocked at people's hearts, and set the knees of all +those a-tremble who, companions and fellow-combatants, filled with the +same fear and the same impotence, writhed like worms under the blows of +fate. + +Her husband amusedly hummed: + +"Ti-ti-ti-tum, ti-ti-ti-tum." That was all he understood of it. + +Turning about softly to urge him if possible to keep still, she noticed +for the first time a profusion of yellowish-grey hair growing in his +ear. It disgusted her. + +"If he has hair in his ears," she thought, as though that were the +reason of his deafness to music. A profound despondency seized her. +Never again would she rejoice in the beautiful, never again stretch arms +in prayer to wrestling heroism, never again quench her thirst for a +higher, purer life at the sources of enthusiasm. + +Between her and all that stood this man, who sang "ti-ti-ti-tum," and in +whose ears there was a little bush of hair. + +The soft consolation of the violins died away unheard, the melancholy +acquiescence of the andante found no echo in her soul, and the +triumphant jubilation of the finale--it brought her no triumph. + +Tortured, debased, undone in her own eyes, she left the hall at the side +of her yawning husband. + +But her vital energy was too sound, her belief in the sunniness of human +existence too lively to permit her to succumb to such moods. + +Moreover, an event occurred which lent new wings to her being and +flushed her with the intoxication of bold hopes. + +Though little was said about plans for the immediate future, it was +settled that they should remain in Dresden, or some other large city, +until May, and then go to Castle Lischnitz, where the household, as +always in the master's absence, was conducted by the oft-mentioned Miss +Anna von Schwertfeger. + +The colonel, forever hovering between trust and distrust of his young +wife, was seized one evening by a fresh attack of doubts, and tried to +get a view down to the bottom of her soul by questioning her as to how +often and whom she had loved before she met him. + +Unsuspecting as always, Lilly blurted out her two little experiences. + +She told of Fritz Redlich first--because that had been the greater +love--and then of the poor, consumptive teacher. + +Despite his petty misgivings her husband's judgment had remained clear +enough to appreciate the trustful purity of her conscience, and he sent +his doubts to the devil with the laugh he usually reserved for his +vulgar jokes. + +But Lilly wanted to see his emotions stirred, and warming up over her +own words, she described the lessons on the history of art and told of +the yearnings to see Italy which the poor moribund had enkindled in her +with the flame burning in his own heart. + +Her cheeks glowed, her eyes swam beneath lids drooping as if with the +weight of wine; she dreamed and fantasied, and scarcely heeded his +presence. + +Suddenly he asked: + +"How would it be--would you like to go there?" + +Lilly did not reply. That was too much bliss. + +He began to consider the matter seriously. Instead of poking in one +place and vexing himself over all sorts of stupid people, a man might +just as well take a seat in a railroad coach and make a short day's run +down to Verona or Milan. + +She flung her arms about his neck, she threw herself at his feet--it +_was_ too much bliss. + +Life now became absolutely unreal, a constant change from ecstasy to +anxiety and back again, because something might intervene to prevent the +trip. + +First of all he had to have a pair of knickerbockers and a Norfolk +jacket, such as every aristocratic traveller wears. Then there were a +dozen other hindrances. + +The fact was, he probably felt he had grown too unwieldy to keep pace +with her in her ability to enjoy herself. But something occurred to +hasten their departure. + +The last few days, the colonel noticed, they had been followed by a +pale, bull-necked individual, six feet tall, who tried with stupid +pertinacity to attract Lilly's attention. + +To judge by the man's appearance he was a tourist of the Anglo-Saxon +race. His manners indicated a certain loftiness, and the colonel's +threatening looks glanced from him without leaving the faintest trace. + +Lilly saw her husband fall for the first time into a lasting mood of +thoughtfulness. He paced up and down the room, repeatedly muttering: + +"I'll have to box his ears," or "I'll have to look for a second." + +The next day, when the colonel observed the importunate person trotting +about ten feet behind them, he veered about suddenly and accosted him. + +The blond Titan looked him up and down without so much as removing the +short pipe from his mouth. + +"I may look at anyone I want to, and I may go anywhere I want to," he +declared. + +With that he slightly shoved up the sleeves of his overcoat and struck a +boxing attitude, which, foreboding a street row, stifled all desire for +a knightly mode of chastisement. + +The colonel in a final attempt to settle the matter in an honourable +fashion handed the stranger his visiting card, which was received with a +friendly "Thank you, sir." And the colonel's opponent stuck the card in +his pocket evidently without the least inkling of the ominous import of +the formality. Passersby began to gather and there was nothing left for +the colonel to do but turn his back. + +The upshot of the rencontre was that the Englishman now assumed the +right to honour Lilly and her husband with a greeting, and the colonel, +who tried to drown the consciousness of having made himself ridiculous +in a torrent of oaths, decided to leave Dresden immediately. This was +about the middle of April. + +In Munich, where they stopped off a few days to render homage to the +Hofbraeuhaus, nothing especial occurred. + +But the colonel had grown nervous. He cast challenging, pugnacious looks +at the most harmless admirers and began to heap reproaches on Lilly's +head. "It seems," he would say, "everybody can tell at a glance that you +are no lady; otherwise you would not be the object of such a number of +indelicate attentions." + +At any other time Lilly would have grieved bitterly. Now she listened to +him with an absent smile on her lips. Her soul no longer dwelt on German +soil. She was breathing the air of the beloved country on whose +threshold, she thought, she was already standing. + +One night's ride still, a short day in Bozen, and then the gates would +open. + +Now nothing could intervene. + + * * * * * + +It was in a section of the express that leaves Munich late in the +evening and crosses the Brenner Pass in the dusk of early morning. Lilly +and her husband sat in the seats by the window. The seat next to the +corridor had been taken by a young man, who on assuming it had saluted +the other occupants with a smile, and then paying no further attention +to them had become engrossed in a book written, apparently, in Italian. + +So he was an Italian, a messenger from Paradise, who had come to bid +them welcome. That was enough to ensure Lilly's interest. + +She regarded him from under lids to all appearances closed in sleep. + +He had a clear-cut, high-spirited face of a peculiar, milky yellow tint, +without lines or shadows, as smooth as if enameled. A small, dark +moustache, somewhat crispy, and the hair on the temples cropped so close +that the skin shone beneath. + +Lilly wanted to see his eyes, too, but he kept them obstinately bent on +his book, though he seemed merely to be skimming through it. + +What she admired most was the peculiar roundness and softness of his +movements. You might suppose a woman was clothed in that black and white +checked suit, which attracted her by its unusually aristocratic +appearance. The silk shirt was violet and dark red, and a green necktie +was tied carelessly about the soft collar. + +All these colours, strange as they looked, went so well together and +seemed to have been selected with so much care and refinement of taste, +that Lilly grew quite uncomfortable. She almost felt the young stranger +was trying to force himself upon her by his manner and bearing and +dress, and above all by his ostensible disregard of her. + +It was ridiculous; she was afraid of him. + +When the customs officers entered the compartment at the Austrian +frontier he uttered a few strange-sounding words, which the officers +understood, for they turned away from him with deep bows. + +At that moment he raised his eyes and let them rove about the +compartment; and while the colonel was opening his bag they rested for +an instant, as if by chance, upon Lilly. + +What singular eyes he had! + +They sent out sharp rays like black diamonds, yet they gave a caress, a +wicked, sure caress, which asked impatient questions, questions that +made one blush. + +The next instant nothing had happened. He was bending over his book as +before and seemed not to notice her. + +But her husband scrutinised her with watchful cunning, as if he had +found a something in her face for which he had long been searching +there. + +When the train started again the colonel disposed himself to sleep. For +the sake of greater comfort he chose the unoccupied seat next to the +corridor. The stranger in order not to be opposite him instinctively +moved nearer to the centre, by this greatly diminishing the distance +between Lilly and himself. A little more and he would have been sitting +directly face to face with her. + +If she had harboured an _arriere pensee_, she would have bestowed more +attention upon her husband's sleep. But all her senses were engaged in +the desire to avoid the stranger, whose proximity pricked her with a +thousand needles. + +She pressed close into her corner, and spasmodically stared out of the +window, where the illuminated interior of the coach was reproduced on +the black background as in a dark mirror. + +Thus she could observe the stranger quietly, without his catching her in +an occasional raising of her lids. + +The light of the ceiling lamp sharply lit up his smooth, soft cheeks, +whose even sheen merged into bluish darkness at the temple, a cheek +formed for pressure and petting. To let your hand stray over it gently +must be a great delight. + +And what long, dark lashes he had, longer than her own. Their shadow +formed dark semicircles reaching to the finely cut nostrils. + +Suddenly he raised his eyes and looked at her. + +There it was again, that black-diamond, caressing gleam, cold, yet how +seductive! + +She started in fright, and grew still more frightened at the thought +that he might have noticed her fear. + +He smiled a very, very faint smile and continued to read. + +Her fancy wove more and more anxious, flattering thoughts about him, +thoughts tantamount to a crime, which weighed upon her like a nightmare +of which she could not rid herself. + +Suddenly--an icy stream poured over her heart--she felt a soft, tender +pressure on her left foot, which she must have moved nearer to the +centre quite involuntarily, for only a short time before it had been +close against her right foot, and her right foot touched the outer wall +of the compartment. + +What should she do? + +A rebuking "I beg pardon!" an angry flaring up, would have roused the +colonel and given occasion again for suspicion, perhaps even for an +encounter. So she slowly withdrew her foot, using the utmost caution, +and pressed it against the wall to prove to herself she had rescued it. + +But those few moments of hesitation, she knew it well, had made her +_particeps criminis_, and this consciousness tormented her as the +thought tantamount to a crime, which she had permitted to obsess her +before. + +Dishonoured, besmirched, she seemed to herself, a prey to each and any +man that waylaid her path. + +Why find fault with him? The thing he had impudently desired, was it not +the fulfillment of her own impure wishes? + +This notion fairly stifled her. She wanted to jump up, cry aloud, and +beg for forgiveness. The stranger continued to read quietly, as if +nothing had occurred. + +When Lilly started out of a state of wakeful torpor a grey day was +peering in through the window. She saw a foaming torrent tumbling into +depths below, and beyond gigantic green masses towering into the +heavens. It was a picture she had seen only in her dreams, convincing in +its greatness, dwarfing all else with its might. + +What she had experienced before falling asleep was now a grotesque dream +and had lost its vital essence. + +She looked about the compartment cautiously. + +The stranger was lying stretched out in repulsive sleep. His cheeks +swelled and sank as he puffed heavily. He looked sallow and effeminate, +and disgusted her. + +She turned more to the side and suddenly saw her husband's wide-open +eyes resting upon her with a rigid, chastising look. She started as if +caught in guilt. + +"Are you awake already?" she asked with a constrained smile. + +"I didn't sleep a wink all night," he replied. + +Something in the tone of his voice set her a-tremble. It was both a +rebuke and a sentence. + +And how he looked at her! + +They rode on without speaking. Lilly utterly disregarded the stranger. + +At the hotel in Bozen the colonel entered Lilly's room and said: + +"My dear child, I have something to say to you. I am tired of the +annoyances to which we are subjected day after day. To what extent your +appearance and conduct are to blame, or to what extent my age is the +cause, I will not discuss. However that may be, I do not reproach you +with gross infringement of the laws of duty or good taste. And I may not +demand a _grande dame's_ matter-of-course reserve of one who two or +three weeks ago was serving behind a counter. To teach you propriety +requires time, and it is a matter that I may leave entirely without +qualms of any sort to Miss von Schwertfeger. We will take the noon train +back to Germany and we will reach Lischnitz day after to-morrow in the +evening, perhaps earlier in the day." + +Lilly did not even grieve, she felt so humiliated and bruised. + +And the land of her dreams sank below the horizon. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + +They reached Lischnitz late Saturday night. Since the colonel had +prohibited a formal reception, all Lilly could see of the castle and +outbuildings were black shadowy masses, which the veiled moon painted +light on the edges. + +A couple of servant maids stood on the steps holding lanterns, and a +very slim lady with a wasp-like waist and a halo of red hair streaked +with white put a pair of long, extremely thin arms about Lilly's neck, +and in a melancholy, cracked voice spoke motherly words of welcome, +which, though intended to bring about a speedy friendship between them, +intimidated Lilly and inspired her with dread. + +Overcome with weariness, Lilly sank into a swelling white bed, with +gleaming brass rods draped in light blue ribbons, the bows of which +perched there like great exotic butterflies. + +It was these butterflies which the next morning carried her from a doze +into full wakefulness, into the new existence. + +From the ceiling hung a gilded lamp with opaline shades and blue silk +covers over the shades. A white-enamelled wainscoting about four or five +feet high ran about the entire room, and the walls between the +wainscoting and the ceiling were panelled in silk of the same light blue +as the counterpane and scarfs set in frames of white enamel. + +All this was revealed by a beam of light, which came in through the +narrow space between the curtains and threw a shining bridge across the +Persian carpet of a yellowish colour intertwined with blue. + +Joyfully Lilly sprang out of bed and trod on the carpet, which seemed to +ripple in waves, so soft and long was its nap. + +Nothing of the colonel was to be seen or heard. + +Long before, he had told Lilly his bedroom would be apart from hers. +"But it cannot be far off," she thought; "it must be on the other side +of that shining white carved door." + +Opening it softly she peeped into the next room. + +The window curtains had scarcely been drawn aside. The bed, a huge piece +of dark mahogany, was empty, though the crushed sheets and pillows +testified to its having been occupied. There were engravings of racers +on the wall, tall boots, whips, pistols, some uniforms, and on the round +side-table a rack for pipes, and next to the bed the tube of gout +ointment. So, the evening before, though it was her sacred duty to +massage him, he had treacherously done it himself. + +She felt hurt, and then a little shudder ran through her. It was all so +strange and hard, as if mysterious threats were lurking somewhere. + +She hastily shut the door and retreated into her sky-blue silk realm. + +Her room had two other doors, one of which opened on the corridor. This +was the one through which Miss von Schwertfeger had led her in the night +before. + +Lilly shuddered again. Without question, without asking permission, the +thin, melancholy person of the extinct eyes and commanding manners had +taken possession of Lilly. The colonel and his housekeeper had exchanged +a glance, a brief glance of mutual understanding, which, on the +colonel's part, said: + +"I put her into your charge." + +And Lilly was thrown on Miss von Schwertfeger's mercy. + +The lady, to be sure, had afterward tried to insinuate herself into +Lilly's good graces by calling her pet names and embracing her, and with +her own hands bringing the comforting cup of tea to Lilly's bedside. But +a voice within Lilly, who usually flew to meet everybody, whether man or +woman, with expectant trustfulness, had called to her: + +"Be on your guard." + +While staring at the door which the spidery fingers had thrown open for +her the night before and faint-heartedly recalling the incidents of the +arrival, Lilly was overpowered, there in the midst of her gay glory, by +a feeling of strangeness and solitude, which nearly broke her heart. + +She rapidly put on the morning gown, which Miss von Schwertfeger must +have unpacked and hung next to Lilly's bed after she had fallen asleep. + +The third door had still to be investigated. Lilly hoped it would lead +out into the open. + +She cautiously turned the knob and drew back with a little cry. What she +saw fairly dazzled her. + +A small room flooded with sunlight and filled with flowers smiled at her +like a tiny paradise. Azaleas as tall as a man spread their rosy +coronets over a much-becushioned couch. And there was a dear little +secretaire inlaid with mother-of-pearl and tortoise shell, over the top +of which a palm placidly waved its flattering fronds. But that was by no +means the most beautiful thing. The most beautiful thing was the toilet +table, which sent a lovely, shamefaced greeting to her from the corner +where it stood. It was draped with white lace and the surface was +covered with a large, smooth, even-edged plate of glass. The mirror was +tall and composed of three adjustable faces, so that you could see +yourself on all sides--the hair at the back of your neck, the fastening +of your dress, everything. + +Lilly had long desired such a mirror, but had not dared to ask for it. + +The room, doubtless, was her "boudoir." + +She, Lilly Czepanek, owned a "boudoir!" Was the wonder conceivable? + +On the glass plate lay all sorts of things which you couldn't take in at +first glance, yet expanded your eyes and your soul like a divine +revelation. There were ivory-backed brushes--three--four--of varying +degrees of hardness or softness; an ivory-backed hand-mirror with a +charmingly carved handle, a powder puff in an ivory box, a glove +buttoner, a shoe horn, everything of silver and ivory. And many more +things, mysterious in their functions, the significance of which would +have to be learned gradually. On each shone resplendent the gold +monogram L. M. with a seven-pointed coronet above. + +It was enough to set one wild. + +After having inspected her treasures to her heart's content, Lilly +prepared to extend her expedition of conquest to outlying districts. + +The room in which she was had only one window, or, rather, a glass door, +leading to a balcony, on which there was a rocking chair, and the high +railing of which was partly overgrown with young creepers. Later in the +season, when the leaves had unfolded all the way, a person standing on +the balcony would be completely screened by walls of green; but now, in +early spring, there was still so much space between the shoots that he +might easily be seen from below. + +Lilly softly opened the casement door and slipped out into the open air. + +To the left, rising above a wall, were the barns and stables, which +formed a large quadrangle about the yard. To the right, giant trees, a +chaos of mazy, moss-green branches set with the golden-green buttons of +the leaf buds. Inside the labyrinth the birds kept up a scandalous riot, +which deafened one's ears as with a hail-storm of sounds. Straight +ahead, about thirty paces away, rose the gable roof of an ancient +one-story structure, which also bordered on the park wall and seemed to +open in front on the yard. + +There at last a few mortals were to be seen. Two gentlemen, one with a +round grey beard, the other stout, middle-aged and copper-coloured, were +walking up and down the lawn at the back of the house smoking and +conversing, while a third-- + +Who was that? + +The slim, sinewy young man with the high collar and light yellow +gaiters, sitting at a window, pulling a red dog to his lap by a thin +chain, that was--no, impossible!--yes, it was--it actually was--Walter +von Prell! + +It was her merry friend, who had, so to speak, slunk off around the +corner, the little lieutenant, famed as one utterly devoid of moral +fibre--the only man that had ever kissed her mouth. + +Except the colonel, of course; but the colonel didn't count. + +There were the silvery white lids and the clinking bracelet and the mute +laugh, which shook him like a storm each time the red dog with the +pointed ears fell from his knees. The only change in him was that the +close-cropped, velvety head of hair had been replaced by a somewhat +unkempt growth shining with pomade. + +Lilly laughed aloud and stretched her arms to him. + +"Mr. von Prell! Mr. von Prell!" she was about to call out, but checked +herself in time. + +No matter--now, she knew, she was no longer solitary in that strange +world. Her merry friend was here, her comrade, her playmate, the man to +whom she owed her good fortune. + +She remembered his having said, "The old man has taken a tremendous +liking to me and wants me to run about his estate as Fritz +Triddelfitz"--Lilly knew her Fritz Reuter well. + +Strange that in all these months it should not have occurred to the +colonel to mention a word about Von Prell's being at Lischnitz. To be +sure, he had seldom spoken of his estate. Even Miss von Schwertfeger +cropped up in his mind only when he wished to reprimand his young wife. + +Perhaps he suspected it was Von Prell and no other who had discovered +Lilly and brought her forth from concealment. However, she would tell +the colonel and Miss von Schwertfeger without an hour's delay that she +had met an old acquaintance. They need not be informed of the kiss. To +what end? It had no more significance than a kiss in a game of forfeits. + +She slipped back into the bedroom, and a moment later, while she was +drawing aside the window curtains, someone knocked at the door--three +short, sharp, rapid taps, which seemed to probe to the marrow of her +bones. + +It was Miss von Schwertfeger, of course. Who else would have frightened +Lilly so? + +Lilly received a kiss on her forehead; and her cheeks were patted with +every appearance of consideration and fondness. But the great colourless +eyes travelled silently up and down her body, and a wry, bitter smile +hovered about Miss von Schwertfeger's fleshy yet severely cut mouth, +the skin about which was reddened, as often happens when women with a +fine skin age before their time. + +She carried clothes thrown over her arm, which Lilly recognised as her +own. + +"I brought you these necessaries, my dear," she said, "so that you can +dress this morning. Here in the country we don't go about in matinees. +Besides, directly after you have breakfasted, we will make a little tour +of the grounds to give you an opportunity of getting acquainted with the +household and the people." + +"May I keep house myself?" asked Lilly, hesitatingly. + +"If you know how," said Miss von Schwertfeger, and gnawed her lips and +squinted. + +Lilly vaguely felt that her harmless query suggested the infraction of +the housekeeper's rights, and, trying immediately to atone for her +thoughtlessness, she added, stammering: + +"That is--I am only asking for what I will be--" + +She was going to say "permitted," but Miss von Schwertfeger interrupted +her and said, drawing herself up: + +"My dear child, you are the mistress here; nobody is better aware of +that than I. But I mean well by you when I advise you to ask for nothing +at present. Pay attention to nothing but your deportment. Upon that +depends how soon you will really be that which, unfortunately, you are +now merely in name." + +Lilly, depressed and humiliated, maintained silence. + +The disciplinarian was already showing her fangs. + +"And I advise you," she continued, "to bear in mind that you must first +study the ground you will have to tread in the future. For this you need +a guide, who knows a thing or two of which you are ignorant. Otherwise +you will find yourself in difficult situations, from which it will be +impossible to extract you. And that in view of your relations with the +colonel, would be greatly to be deplored." + +Lilly felt the tears rising. The old inability to defend herself, which +was her gravest weakness, took hold of her again. + +"Oh, please," she begged, folding her hands, "don't _you_ feel hostile +to me." + +Miss von Schwertfeger's extinct eyes, which lay half buried under heavy +lids, lighted up--was it with a question, or with amazement, or pity? + +For a moment she stared into space, turning her head aside, and Lilly +saw a noble, bold profile of cameo cut, which appeared to belong to a +different person. + +Then Lilly felt long arms about her neck. The embrace in which she was +held seemed warmer, more genuine than any of the caresses Miss von +Schwertfeger had yet bestowed upon her. + +"You're a dear child, you _are_ a dear child," said she, and with that +left the room. + +Half an hour later Lilly, dressed in the garments Miss von Schwertfeger +had brought, entered the dining room, where breakfast was being served +by old Ferdinand, a dried-up, spindle-legged heirloom of a servant. That +smooth, round-faced fellow with the mischievous smile, had been +dismissed, thank goodness! + +The colonel came in from his early ride, his eyes sparkling with the +pride of proprietorship. The little crisscross veins of his gaunt cheeks +were filled with blood, and the grey brushes over his ears glistened +with dew drops. The heavy jacket he wore was becoming to him, and the +O-shaped legs were hidden under the table. He looked like a kingly old +warrior, both evil and kind-hearted. + +Lilly flew into his arms, and he said with a sweep of his hand about the +place: + +"Well, do you like--your home?" + +She kissed his hand for the "your home." + +The dining room was a long chamber, arched at each end and filled with +carved pieces of furniture darkened by age. It was only moderately +lighted by three large bow-windows giving upon the terrace, from which a +flight of railed stone steps led down to the park. + +At breakfast they discussed the walk they had planned for showing the +young mistress her new realm. The colonel would not hear of such a thing +as having the people come to the castle and wait upon Lilly +ceremoniously. They were wearing their Sunday-best that day at any rate +and with no derogation to themselves could receive her in the spots +where they lived and toiled. + +The upper employes, the inspectors and bookkeepers, would come to dinner +Sundays, as had been the immemorial custom, and take that as the +occasion for paying their respects. + +"The youngest of them used to be one of my men," remarked the colonel, +"a Mr. von Prell--" He stopped short, looked Lilly over thoughtfully, +then, as if reassured, continued: "But he left service some time before +I did, and he's to learn farming on my estate." + +This was the very moment for Lilly's happy avowal. But the words died on +her lips. She could not--for all her good intentions, she could not. As +it was, those great colourless eyes, resting on her face, were putting +her to the proof. + +However, one thing was certain--the colonel knew nothing. His silence +had been due simply to the fact that he had not deemed the gay dog +worthy of mention. + +"How's he behaving?" asked the colonel, turning to Miss von +Schwertfeger. + +"Oh, Colonel," she said with a smile, regarding her long, bony fingers, +on which her crescent-shaped nails shone like mother-of-pearl, "you know +I never denounce unless I have to." + +"Such a good-for-nothing rascal," laughed the colonel. + +Lilly, instinctively taking her friend's part, thought the lady's words +were in themselves sufficient denunciation. + +After breakfast they started out on their little expedition. + +Lilly was placed between the colonel and Miss von Schwertfeger, and a +pack of dogs all of a sudden appeared to keep them company. Lilly +thought them more likable than anything else about her. + +The kitchen was visited first. A perfect marvel of a kitchen, with tiled +walls, porcelain sinks, and all sorts of up-to-date arrangements. Lilly +did not know at what to look first. + +A face was there, an old, brown, furrowed, thick-lipped face, with a +pair of moist eyes turned upon Lilly in mute questioning: + +"Don't you recognise me?" + +Lilly's eyes answered: + +"Yes, I do." + +But she did not dare to speak with her lips as well as with her eyes, +for fear Miss von Schwertfeger would inquire concerning the decisive +moment of her life and come to despise her still more. + +She gave the old woman her hand, and the bond of friendship was renewed. + +Next they went to the servants' kitchen, where the Sunday soup was +bubbling like a seething sea in a huge copper vessel. After this came +the laundry with its wringers and mangles resembling brightly armoured +monsters. It was good to smell the ancient odour of soap which had +nestled permanently in every nook and cranny. + +In the pantries and storerooms, rows of hams wrapped in grey gauze +depended from the rafters like gigantic bats. Sausages hung there, too, +and last winter's golden pippins and other fine apples were still lying +on straw beds. Long lines of wide-mouthed jars were ranged on the closet +shelves--you could pilfer sweets to your heart's content. + +The party now cut diagonally across the paved yard, where the waggons +and harvesters stood like soldiers on parade, to the barns and stables. + +The stable of the pleasure horses! Heavens! It was like a drawing-room. +Upholstered wicker chairs with footstools in front stood about +invitingly. A matting strip ran along the stalls, over each of which a +porcelain plate proclaimed the name of the noble animal within. The +horses moved supple, slender, lustrous necks and turned knowing human +eyes to greet their beautiful mistress. + +"You will choose one of these for yourself," said the colonel. + +"I don't know how to ride," replied Lilly, embarrassed. + +The grooms standing about, cap in hand, grinned at her +uncomprehendingly. A lady who could not ride had never before stepped +into their world. + +The home of the draught horses was not nearly so interesting; it was +dirty and malodorous, and the cow stalls nauseated Lilly. + +But she took good care not to betray her sensations. Ready to learn, she +patiently listened to the explanations the colonel and Miss von +Schwertfeger gave in turn. + +A difficult piece of work was still ahead of them, the visit to the +cottagers, who had just returned from church and were standing before +their doors in expectant groups. + +The oldest and most trustworthy came first. There were many new names to +learn, many dirty hands to shake and many eyes to look into which stared +at her in respectful suspicion. + +Lilly felt she was fairly well able to cope with the situation. She +found a few friendly words to reach the hearts of the old and the sick; +and when she stooped and drew on her lap a blubbering little urchin a +pleased whisper ran before her to smooth her path. + +At the end of the settlement were two structures originally erected for +barns, but later converted into dwellings. Small windows in red and blue +frames were set in the walls at irregular intervals, and what had once +been the broad entrance had been built up with yellow bricks. + +Here lived the Polish immigrants, who had come as contract labourers +from distant regions. The district in which Lischnitz lay had been +German from times of old and had remained a German island amid the +invading flood of Slavs. + +For this reason it was necessary to hold aloft the banner of Germanism, +as Miss von Schwertfeger admonished lovingly. And Lilly felt mortified, +as though she had been in the habit of disavowing it. + +Red head cloths gleamed. Great, blue, intimidated eyes prayed to her. +Here and there an awed bobbing to the hem of her skirt, a shy attempt to +kiss her sleeve. + +"_Niech bedzie pochwalony Jezus Chrystus_," she heard in a whisper about +her, and involuntarily she answered: "_Na wieki wiekow!_ Amen!" + +In the course of her Catholic bringing up she had learned that this is +the answer to a Polish greeting. + +A glad humming and buzzing, a ripple of happiness ran through the +fearsome huddling little group. The lovely young _pana_ had spoken +their language, the language of their God. + +"I had no idea you could speak Polish," said the colonel, his voice +grating with blame of her. + +Lilly gave an embarrassed laugh and explained. + +They tarried a shorter time at the next entrance, where a group of young +fellows in heavy grey jackets were twirling their caps and making +awkward bows. Lilly scarcely ventured to give them a cordial nod. Even +that, she felt, was forbidden. + +Miss von Schwertfeger said not a word, but with aquiline nose in the air +held aloft the banner of Germanism. + +"Now, my dear," she said when they reached the castle door, "put on your +dark blue cloth dress. I have already had it taken from the trunk and +pressed. You will find it in your room, and a lace collar to wear with +it. That is the correct thing here for Sunday dinner, which we take in +the middle of the day." + +Lilly obediently donned the blue gown. It enhanced her slim grace. Her +heart beat for fear that her merry friend, who could not suspect she had +disowned him, would betray both of them at the first meeting by a +careless word of recognition. + +The dinner bell rang and the next instant came those three probing taps +on the door. + +Lilly in alarm started away from the mirror. Miss von Schwertfeger +should never discover she was vain. She looked Lilly up and down a +while, then grasped both her hands, and buried her pale blue eyes, which +now flared up again, in the improbable eyes. + +"God grant," she said, "that you don't cause too much mischief in this +world, my child." + +"Why should I cause mischief?" Lilly faltered, mortified again. "I don't +do a bit of harm to anybody." + +Miss von Schwertfeger laughed. + +"The one good thing is, you don't know who you are," she said, and drew +her to the corridor and down the old stairway, which cracked at every +step. + +In the dining room were four dark men's figures besides the colonel's. +At Lilly's entrance they hastily drew up in line. + +One was the man with the round grey beard--"Mr. Leichtweg, our chief +inspector," said the colonel. The next was the stout, copper-coloured +man--"Mr. Messner, our bookkeeper." Somebody else was introduced, and +then--then-- + +"Lieutenant von Prell, who is learning farming here," said the colonel. + +Just a slight inclination of her head, the same as to the others, no +more. + +But my poor, merry friend, how you look! + +A long frock-coat fell below his knees, his narrow-pointed head was lost +in his high collar, his clothes hung in loose, limp folds. Every feature +of his, every marionette movement bespoke rigid formality and +obsequiousness. + +Lilly stood there lost in pity and astonishment. If she had not seen him +that very morning while he was-- + +"Shake hands with the gentlemen," she heard whispered behind her. + +She started and pressed the honest country fists more firmly than +beseems a chatelaine. But she quickly let go Von Prell's freckled hand, +which was still well kept. + +"Thank the Lord, he won't betray us," she thought. + +Then came grace. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + +The finches were the maddest of all. The titmice, too, made a racket, +and so did the nuthatches, and the blackbirds behaved as if they were +lords of the place, while the stay-at-home starlings formed in groups +among themselves and paid no attention to the rest of the world. Beside, +there were the hedge-sparrows and wrens, who added a fair share to the +chorus. But the fanfare of the finches was too much for ears accustomed +to the tiny twittering of a caged canary. + +Old Haberland knew them all. Old Haberland was the gardener, who +pottered about in felt shoes and lived, in a measure, from the colonel's +bounty, since he held sway now over nothing but the lawn sprinkler. He +knew which birds nested on the ground and which in the branches. He knew +the time each began to sing and the best place to stand if you wanted to +study their plumage and habits. + +It was terrible to think that the squirrels had to be shot. Lilly almost +hated the old man when he sallied forth, his pea-rifle under his jacket, +with evil intent against the jolly little marauders--Haberland +maintained the vermin recognised his gun and scurried off when they saw +it. The magpies and jays were no friends of his, either. His love was +the shy, green woodpecker, whom he had actually coaxed into nesting in +the park. And that gay marvel of a bird, the hoopoe, came without fear +at any hour of the day to the back of the castle, where it sang its +hututu and transfixed the insects in the grass with its curved sabre of +a bill. + +Those were mornings full of glow and brilliance, such as could not have +been since the creation of the world. + +When you opened the door at five o'clock in the morning the cool purple +mist crept in and folded itself about your body like a royal mantle. On +the pond, where the reeds rose up over night, pushed by underground +powers, lay sunlit vapours, which gradually lifted and ascended +heavenward. Everything steamed. Sometimes white lights seemed to have +been kindled on the lawn, and the little clouds in evaporating rolled +heavily from the glistening campions, as though surfeited with the dew +they had drunk. + +Such mornings! + +Who can describe the mad delight of the dogs when their beautiful young +mistress appeared on the steps smiling, clad in a white blouse and short +skirt and armed with garden shears? They had been awaiting her there a +long time, every now and then emitting short, impatient sounds, half +whine, half yelp. For _they_ had not hesitated an instant to recognise +her absolute rule, in utter disregard of the pitying benevolence with +which Miss von Schwertfeger--whom they detested--stood by and smiled. + +Bebel, the terrier, the cleverest of all, did not count, because he sped +after the colonel on his early cross-country gallop. But there was +Pluto, the long-eared setter, who, out of employment at this season, +gave chase to the rabbits on his own account. There were Schnauzl, the +poodle, and Bobbie, the dachs, living in constant feud with each other +for the first place in Lilly's favour. Dearest of all was Regina, the +panther-like Great Dane, one of whose forelegs had been broken. As if to +apologize for her disgraced existence, she always crept back of anyone +she met; but at night, to compensate, she was untiring in her +watchfulness, and maintained a steady reign of terror. + +Who can describe the joyous caracoling of the colts in the pasture, the +craving for love the yearling manifested when the mistress, who always +carried sugar with her, pushed back the bars, and stretched her arms to +caress the slender heads of her favourites? + +Who can describe the chagrin of the turkey cock, great enough when the +pheasants got first peck at the bread crumbs, but knowing no bounds when +those stupid ducks squatted right on Lilly's feet, as though that were +the most natural thing in the world? At times his jealousy so swelled +him with rage that he even dared to nab one of Pluto's ears. But Pluto +disdained to do more than shake him off in scorn. + +Yes, those were wonderful mornings! + +And when the height of the flowering season came, she never wearied of +wandering about and filling baskets with blue, golden and snowy blossoms +until she was fairly drowned in a floral sea. + +After the morning stroll came breakfast, when from sheer joy and +tenderness Lilly hesitated about whose neck first to throw her arms, the +colonel's or Anna's--on certain confidential occasions she was called +Anna. Lilly, in general, was very affectionate with Miss von +Schwertfeger, despite her fear of that lady's censoriousness and despite +other fears of which she could not rid herself. + +Yes, she thought, it was a strict school, indeed, which she had entered. + +Not a word, not a step, not a movement remained unobserved, or, if +necessary, unreproved. She learned to sit at table and in an arm-chair, +how to prepare and serve tea, how to invite a person to be seated, how +to begin a conversation, how to introduce strangers to each other +without getting into a muddle, how to pass over forgotten names, and +offer everybody at table a fair portion of cordiality. All these things +Lilly learned, and, oh, much more. + +But they were only the rudiments to be practised in the small world of +the castle or when occasional visitors dropped in. Real instruction was +to begin in the fall; for then expeditions to neighboring estates would +be undertaken. In the meantime the colonel wished to avoid all contact +with the families round about. He could do this without provoking +comment, his long bachelorhood serving as a plausible pretext for +wishing to prolong his honeymoon to the utmost. + +By autumn Lilly was to have been converted into a veritable _grand +dame_, who would do honour to her husband's name and rank, and whose +tact and ease would conquer all mistrust whether at the festivities in +the homes of the gentry or in the club house. + +This, the highest ideal on earth, Miss von Schwertfeger kept before +Lilly's eyes every minute of the day, and Lilly dreamed of it as she had +dreamed of approaching examinations when in the Selecta. Full of fears +and doubts she worked over herself night and day. + +Her soul found calm only when she went on one of her rambles, or, better +still, when she sat behind locked doors in her boudoir. + +No, no, Heaven preserve her! Not her boudoir! That wasn't its name. + +The first time she had said "boudoir," Miss von Schwertfeger turned very +condescending. It was a sitting-room. Only butchers' and bankers' +wives--in Miss von Schwertfeger's eyes one and the same--would disfigure +it with the other name. + +Thus Lilly stumbled at every step. + +Occasionally, when he quartered officers on their way through the +country, the colonel, as if to test Lilly's social ability, would have +her preside at table with Miss von Schwertfeger's assistance. + +Each time the same scene was enacted. At first Lilly would be stiff as a +mechanical doll, incapable of addressing a word she had not learned by +rote to these guests gleaming in military resplendence. A glass or two +of wine would give her courage. Gradually she would liven up, and even +grow merry, and finally bubble over with harmless pleasantries--from +where they came flying into her head she did not know--which would so +enrapture the gentlemen, most of whom were well past their prime, that +they directed all their remarks to her, as if to pay her court, while +their eyes hung on her face in enjoyment and desire. + +Now the colonel would grow uneasy. He would cast furtive glances at Miss +von Schwertfeger, who usually sat with her eyes on her plate and a wry +smile on her lips; and then despite the gentlemen's protestations of +regret, the ladies would leave the table. + +Lilly grew hot with the fire she herself had kindled in the heads of her +guests. It caused her pleasure and distress, and forced her to sit at +her window until midnight, staring into the blue twilight of the park +with beating heart and quivering nerves and flushed cheeks streaming +with tears. + +Forebodings of mad acts and riotous self-abandon flashed up in her +brain. A parching fever enervated her body. Her clothes, her room, the +park, the world became too contracted. A wild dance of looks and flames, +a whirl of fiery red, inured, desirous masculinity chased through her +head. + +On such nights, when the guests had at last retired, the colonel, more +or less intoxicated, would force himself into her bedroom, and begin by +reproaching her for not having been ladylike enough. Lilly would cry and +try to excuse herself. Then he would kiss the tears from her lashes, +snatch her clothes from her body, and throw himself next to her in bed. + +Shuddering with foolish pangs of conscience, quivering in disgust of his +drunkenness, happy, nevertheless, to feel that tormenting tenseness +relax, she gave her body up to him. + +On other nights when she felt uneasy and alone and desired his presence, +when her body as well as her soul longed to cling to him in the humble +sense of belonging to him entirely, then he was not to be had. He kept +his door locked. + +On the whole he was loving and gracious to her. He handled her as if she +were a gay, fragile toy, to be wound up not too often, and each time it +has been played with enough, to be laid aside carefully for use on the +next occasion. This treatment suited her. At least she was spared dread +of those outbursts of wrath which set the walls a-tremble two or three +times a day, and frightened every living thing in the vicinity. Even +Miss von Schwertfeger was not sure how to take them. She silently set +her teeth, and bowed her head as before the inevitable. + +Lilly could never fathom the relation existing between the colonel and +his housekeeper. Usually it seemed to her the many years of mutual +confidence had welded them together inseparably. Then came times when +they studiously avoided each other, the colonel in haughty preoccupation +with his own affairs, Miss von Schwertfeger squinting sarcastically and +suggesting by her manner a feeling of rancor, a menace. + +Now and then it even occurred to Lilly that when the lady had been young +and fair, she had been the colonel's love. But Lilly dismissed this +idea. Miss von Schwertfeger was far too proud to endure the bitterness +of such companionship, and _he_ was too dominating to tolerate the +presence of such a creditor. + +All that Lilly learned of her past was that she was the daughter of a +poor yet aristocratic army officer, and had been left an orphan with her +own living to earn after her confirmation. She had now been managing the +colonel's household for nearly twenty years. The fact that Miss von +Schwertfeger, homeless and without resources, like herself, had also +been thrown upon the colonel's tender mercies gradually aroused in Lilly +a sense of sympathy and kinship, although she could never cast off a +slight feeling that she must be on her guard against this woman. + +She really owed Miss von Schwertfeger a debt of gratitude. Without her +ready advice, Lilly would have fallen innumerable times from the road +leading to the lofty heights where she would sit enthroned as aristocrat +and lady of a manor. Ridiculers would have taken base advantage of her +modesty; her sportive manner of equality would have invited +impertinence; she would have ended in losing every vestige of power. +Perhaps people would even have come to despise her. + +As it was, everybody loved her. She found shining glances to greet her +in the kitchen, in the stables, among the villagers, and at the lodge; +while in the barn, where the Polish women dwelt behind smouldering +brushwood and drying wash, she was a veritable idol. + +Whether a rumor had gotten about of her Slavic name, or her Catholicism, +could not be determined. However that might be, the fact remained that +these strange, despised people, who glided among the stiff and haughty +Germans with the humble look of a child in their eyes and the plaintive +melodies of their country on their lips, revered Lilly as their redeemer +and patron saint. + +She liked to busy herself with the gentle, good-natured folk. She +visited the sick, and cared for the destitute. The girls seemed to her +like poor sisters, who needed watching over; and as for the boys, why, +they were a charge that God Himself had put into her keeping. + +Miss von Schwertfeger looked askance at these kindly attentions. "The +people belonging to the place," she said, "are beginning to complain +that you prefer the immigrants to them. You would do well to take your +walks in another direction." + +Lilly remonstrated. Henceforth Miss von Schwertfeger kept close watch, +and did not leave her side when the barn dwellings happened to be in +seductive proximity. + +Miss von Schwertfeger even converted Lilly to Protestantism. + +Not in her soul. Heaven forefend! + +"Love your Holy Virgin and your St. Joseph as much as you want to," she +said, "but just remove that font and those little images from your +bedside. As for going to church, you may drive to Krammen to attend mass +on Sunday; of course you may; the colonel would not think of forbidding +you to. But take my advice, dearest, and sit next to us in our pew. Do +it for my sake, you won't regret it." + +Lilly did not offer much resistance, and by way of reward received a +small altar to keep in her room. When locked, it looked like a dainty +jewel casket, but inside was the infant Jesus in the arms of the Madonna +and--oh joy!--there was St. Joseph on the left leaf of the folding door, +and St. Anne on the right leaf. + +Lilly wept with delight. + +Nevertheless she could not love the donor with all her heart and all her +soul. No matter how often they sat together chatting confidentially, +Lilly remained in solitude. + +And in fear. + +She did not dare even to eat her fill. As if to make up for Mrs. +Asmussen's long-forgotten mush, Lilly had developed a ravenous appetite; +but noticing Miss von Schwertfeger's apprehensive sidelooks at her +heaped plate, she usually rose from table only half satisfied. To stay +herself until the next meal she drew upon the treasures of the +storeroom. + +Old Maggie the cook, in whom she possessed a sworn ally, kept watch to +warn Lilly of Miss von Schwertfeger's approach. Once, however, the +omnipotent housekeeper caught her there, and Lilly dished up the excuse +that she wanted to learn housekeeping; which declaration was received +with condescending merriment. + +Had it not been for old Maggie, Lilly would never have learned a single +detail of the management of the large household, Miss von Schwertfeger +studiously keeping her from regular activity of any sort, whether out of +vainglory or consideration Lilly could not determine. + +If Lilly wanted to help with a piece of work, it was done already, or +she mustn't spoil her hands, or she might injure herself. + +Her passionate desire to learn horseback riding was also thwarted by +Miss von Schwertfeger, who was always discovering signs of approaching +motherhood, though they proved each time to be false. + +Even playing on the piano was denied her. The yellow old instrument of +torture, the keys of which resembled the decayed teeth of a smoker--just +like the colonel's--was not to be replaced by a new piano until autumn, +when they would go to Danzig to select one. + +She thought of the times preceding her marriage, hardly more than half a +year ago, as belonging to her long-vanished youth. She would have +ridiculed one who had told her, youth still lay ahead of her nineteen +years. + +It was good that over there in the lodge a witness of her sweet, foolish +past was living along in madcap thoughtlessness. This alone persuaded +her that her maiden days had not been a mere dream, that she had not +been a colonel's wife from the cradle upward. + +In all this time she had met her merry friend only at Sunday dinners, +when he played a comic role making his jerky reverences in his long +frock coat. + +Sometimes when standing on her balcony at twilight behind the foliage +now closegrown, she saw him at his window in the lodge cutting capers +with his wild little red fox of a dog. A feeling would then come over +her that the only person who actually belonged to her in this alien +world was yon light-haired good-for-nothing, who pursued all the maids +on the demesne. Old Maggie told tales. At night he would ruin the +toughest horses trying to get back from his secret excursions before +dawn; and in his den behind closed shutters-- + +At this point Maggie lost her faculty of speech. The things that took +place behind those closed shutters must have been dreadful. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + +One red August morning Lilly, sprinkled with dew from head to foot and +clasping a bunch of dewy roses in both arms, entered the dining-room, +where Anna von Schwertfeger, tall and thin in her greyish blue linen +dress, was standing at the table smiling to herself. + +It was not her manner, it was not her greeting; both were as usual. It +was an intangible something which instantly caused Lilly to realize that +an extraordinary event had occurred. + +Katie, she noticed, who helped Ferdinand with the serving, had red +eyelids and kept gnawing her lips while setting the table. Katie was of +finer material than the average servant girl, her father having been a +teacher, and was very pretty besides; owing to which qualities Miss von +Schwertfeger had selected her as Lilly's special maid. + +When Katie left the room, Lilly began to ask questions. + +In reply Miss von Schwertfeger merely kissed her with redoubled +tenderness, and observed: + +"Why should you sully your pure young spirit with such ugly things? If +certain people are bent upon breaking their necks, that's their +business. We cannot help them." + +"Breaking their necks--that must mean Walter von Prell," thought Lilly, +and said aloud: "After all this is my home, and nothing that happens +here in my future province"--she modestly said "future"--"ought to be +kept from me." + +Miss von Schwertfeger yielded to her arguments. + +"It will be painful to you," she said, "because I know you like him." + +"Him--whom?" queried Lilly, conscious of blushing. + +"In fact all of us like him," continued Miss von Schwertfeger by way of +mitigation, "the colonel most of all. So long as he confined himself to +the rooms of the labourers' girls I winked my eyes, and begged the +kitchen help not to annoy me with gossip about his adventures. But if he +commits the outrage of breaking into the castle, it's time the matter +ended." + +"Why, what did he do?" asked Lilly, in fright. + +"For some weeks past I noticed certain things which struck me as rather +curious. In spots the vine on your balcony was withered--" + +"On--my--" Seized with a wild suspicion Lilly stepped a pace nearer to +Miss von Schwertfeger, and clutching her arm asked: "What has my balcony +to do with Mr. von Prell, Miss Anna?" + +Miss von Schwertfeger avoided Lilly's look. + +"Calm yourself, my dear," she said, "calm yourself. Persons in my +position have to keep their eyes wide open. That's what they are there +for. I was simply acting for your protection, because anyone who does +not know you as I do might come to the vile conclusion that if a man +climbs up to your balcony--" + +Lilly began to cry. + +"It's so low, so low." + +Miss von Schwertfeger drew her to the sofa and stroked her brow. + +"I have gone through much worse things, dear child. At any rate, I +wanted to get at the bottom of the affair, and although, I need not say, +I hadn't the least suspicion of you"--she turned her eyes away +again--"nevertheless I spent a few nights outside your door." + +Lilly started. While she had been sleeping in innocent unconsciousness, +someone had lurked in hiding close by--so fast was she held captive! + +"And about one o'clock this morning I caught him in the act. Fancy! The +dare-devil had the temerity to lean one of Haberland's ladders against +your balcony--that was the cause of the broken, withered vines--and +enter your sitting room through the glass door--glass doors, dearie, +ought never be left open. He passed your bedroom, and went to the +corridor without seeing me, of course. Since Katie is the only person +who sleeps on that side I charged her with it early this morning. She +made no denials. I always act in such matters with the utmost mildness +and reserve, and I told her she might give notice and leave on the +first. But what shall we do about the young man? I know this is the one +place where he can be brought to turn over a new leaf. Should the +colonel dismiss him, all's over with him. And I have no right to conceal +his conduct from the colonel. An affair that so nearly compromises his +wife's honour--" + +"What has my honour to do with Mr. von Prell if he runs after servant +girls?" Lilly ventured to interject, hoping to improve his prospects a +bit by playing the innocent. + +Miss von Schwertfeger had just time enough to enlighten her innocence +concerning all the evil results of Mr. von Prell's mad conduct, when the +table began to quiver from the colonel's tread as he came tramping down +the corridor. + +"Don't say anything--not yet!" begged Lilly, and with that was hanging +on the colonel's neck to hide her confusion. + +The colonel noticed nothing amiss. + +His suspicions, ever alert, had gone to sleep now that he knew his young +wife secure under the Argus eyes of his old and tried housekeeper. + +He was no longer that greedy lover, simulating youthfulness, who had +spied upon her every look and emotion, jealous of his mastery. The +humourous condescension with which he watched the doings of the lovely +gentle child gave him a natural semblance of fatherliness, which became +him well. + +His visits to the club house in the garrison town nearby, at first only +occasional, had begun to grow more frequent. Sometimes he even departed +from his custom of leaving after supper, and took the afternoon train. +But whatever time he left, he never returned before two o'clock in the +morning, since there was no train to bring him back earlier. + +During breakfast he good-humouredly explained to the ladies that he +would have to go to town that day to unload the barley crop on the Jews. + +An idea occurred to Lilly which filled her soul with sacred joy. The +colonel's absence must be employed for rescuing Von Prell. How, she did +not yet know, but save him she must. She was the only one to do it. If +she did not concern herself in his behalf, who else was there in the +wide world to tow his drifting vessel to security? + +After the colonel had left the room, she plucked up the courage to put +in a plea with Miss von Schwertfeger, who, however, refused to relent. + +"On the next occasion he will do even worse things," she said. "Then the +shame both for him and for us will be still greater." + +"No, he won't do anything worse," Lilly averred. "He will get better. +You need only take him to task." + +"I'm old enough to," replied Miss von Schwertfeger, with a bitter-sweet +smile, "and I possess the authority. But, to be quite frank, the subject +is rather a delicate one, and I should like nevermore to have a thing to +do with such sordid affairs." + +The extinct eyes, over which the lids lay like heavy blankets, fell into +a fixed stare, which Lilly had frequently noticed. It seemed to bring to +the top an old, dark, bitter hatred which had long lain buried. Then +Miss von Schwertfeger herself returned to the subject. + +"All I can agree to," she said, "is, that if he comes to me of his own +will and begs my pardon, maybe I will yield. That's all I can do without +incurring the blame of being underhanded." + +"Why, he doesn't even suspect he's been discovered." + +"I should like to wager," rejoined Miss von Schwertfeger, "that Katie +will use her first free moment to run over to him." + +"And if she doesn't?" cried Lilly, scarcely mastering her anxiety. + +Miss von Schwertfeger took her head between her hands. + +"If I did not know, dearie, what a sweet, harmless young creature you +are, I should say your interest in the little rake is most curious. Now, +you needn't blush. I know there's nothing back of it. At all events, I +will wait until to-morrow, because you plead for him, my love." + +Thus the conversation ended. Nothing more was to be expected of Miss von +Schwertfeger. + +"If I don't save him, he will be driven away, and if he's driven away, +he'll go to rack and ruin, and if he goes to rack and ruin, I shall be +to blame." + +In this fashion Lilly's thoughts kept revolving dizzily in her brain. + +The simplest thing would be to come to an understanding with Katie, but +that was unbefitting Lilly's station. Besides, it had not occurred to +the poor girl, who crept about apathetically, to run over to see Von +Prell. Later in the day, in fact, she got an attack of cramps and had to +be put to bed. + +At four o'clock the colonel drove off to the station. He had stuck a +package of blue banknotes into his bill-folder; which was an unfailing +sign that he would not return before early morning. + +Evening came. The lowing of the cattle and the cracking of whips +proclaimed the end of the day's work. + +Lilly crouched behind the vine on her balcony, and listened to what was +going on at the lodge. Finally the scapegrace appeared at his dormer +window dragging his little dog by a chain. He was wearing the sort of +greenish grey jacket with innumerable pockets that managers of estates +affect; and each pocket was stuffed full, giving his figure a warty +appearance. Nevertheless he was a dear, bright little fellow, well worth +the saving. + +If she were to signal to him and throw down a piece of paper, would it +be possible for him to pick it up later without being seen? + +She went into her room and scrawled a few lines in pencil. + +"Everything has been discovered. Miss von Schwertfeger promises to keep +silent provided you--" + +She stopped short. Should the note fall into strange hands the stupidest +mortal would construe them into a confession of guilt. + +"I will speak to him," she decided. + +The supper bell rang. + +How strangely Miss von Schwertfeger regarded her, as if she had gotten a +glimpse into the depths of Lilly's soul and discovered her bold design. +But she did not refer to the malefactor again. + +On rising from the table she put her arm through Lilly's, after her wont +when she intended to bar the way to Lilly's Polish friends. + +"She won't let go the whole evening," thought Lilly, raging inwardly. + +In a short while, however, word was brought that Katie had grown sicker, +and it might be necessary to send for the physician. + +"I'll be back directly," said Miss von Schwertfeger, as she left the +room giving Lilly a look expressive of stubborn resistance. + +In an instant Lilly had slipped out of the door and was running down the +terrace steps leading to the park. + +Profound silence reigned. The only sound was of a splashing which came +from behind a cypress tree where old Haberland, still occupied with +watering the roses, was filling his cans. + +Lilly made straight for the lodge considering ways of making him look +from his window and see her. + +She was saved from committing this indiscretion. + +He was lying at full length on the green bench outside the house, +smoking a cigarette with evident gusto, the dog's chain wrapped about +his left wrist, and the dog himself asleep at his feet. None of the +other men were about. + +Her heart's throbbing almost deprived her of breath. + +"Mr. von Prell!" + +He jumped to his feet, the dog along with him. + +"Mr. von Prell, I should like to speak with you." + +He put his hand to his head to remove his cap, but no cap was there. + +"I am at my lady's service." + +"Will you accompany me a little way?" + +"At my lady's service." + +He threw away the stump of his cigarette, glanced about hastily for his +vanished cap, then walked at her side bare-headed, stiff as a puppet in +his extravagant respect. + +Lilly led the way into the interior of the park, where the clusters of +trees and the open grassy spaces melted into purple-edged darkness. She +had gotten back her calm. The desire to save him gave her strength of +which she had not deemed herself capable. + +"You must not misunderstand my coming to you," she began. + +"Certainly not, my lady," he replied, bowing obsequiously. "The evening +is so lovely, and old acquaintances like to chat with each other once in +a while." + +"If I had wanted anything like that," said Lilly, making no effort to +conceal her sense of insult, "I should have invited you to the castle. +If I come to you instead, you can readily imagine the matter is more +important." + +"What can be more important to me than strolling here at my lady's +side?" + +She shrugged her shoulders. + +"Oh, Mr. von Prell, if you knew the difficulty you were in, you would +take care not to indulge in such talk." + +Lilly had never thought herself capable of so much haughtiness. + +"What difficulty can I be in, my lady?" he rejoined, raising his brows +and wrinkling his forehead. "My soul has worn half-mourning ever since I +was condemned to live in a certain close distance from, or, rather, a +certain distant proximity to--my gracious lady. Whether Tommy and myself +possess the character for enduring this trial--come, come Tommy, don't +be a goose. Our lady benefactress will have no objections to your not +treading on her train." + +Tommy obstinately planted his forelegs and had to be dragged along like +a lifeless toy. + +"You'll strangle the poor little beast," said Lilly, happy to have found +a way of avoiding his personalities. + +"He will simply be sharing the sensations of his master," said Von +Prell, illustrating his reply by clutching at his throat and emitting a +horrible gurgle. + +Such behaviour must no longer be permitted. Lilly owed it to herself and +her position to resent it. + +"Mr. von Prell," she said very condescendingly, "do you realize that by +the same time to-morrow you will probably have been dismissed?" + +He was touched at last. He frowned and bit the ends of his moustache; +but then he said: + +"What gives me some satisfaction in the fact is that my lady seems to +take no slight interest in the matter." + +Now she became angry in earnest. + +"You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr. von Prell," she cried. "I wear +myself out and take great risks trying to help you, and you show your +gratitude by making silly remarks all the time." + +"Courage, Tommy," he said, taking the dog in his arms. "First they flay +us, then they kick us out. Our one comfort is, we are innocent +sufferers. Poor, poor Tommy." + +"Don't try to whitewash yourself," Lilly reprimanded. "Miss von +Schwertfeger discovered everything--your relations--you understand--your +nightly trips to my balcony and through my room--everything. Do you +think I take pleasure in having to treat you like a criminal when I've +always thought so much of you? Don't you think I'd much rather be proud +of you, than stand here and see you driven away like a stray dog? Or can +you say anything in justification of yourself? Can you? Tell me." + +She talked herself into such warmth that she forgot the unseemliness of +her being there with him. She was now that which she wanted to be--the +benevolent chatelaine, who turns everything to good account; and her +breast swelled with the consciousness of her lofty ethical undertaking. + +They had stepped from under the dark arches of the linden walk. A few +sharply defined streaks of red still coloured the west, and cast a deep +glow over his narrow, freckled face. + +He looked completely crushed and penitent, and Lilly regretted having +dealt with him so harshly. + +"I realise," he began after a short pause, his voice quivering as with +suppressed excitement, "I realise I must not let so grave a charge go +without justifying myself. And I can justify myself, I most undoubtedly +can. But in doing so, I am compelled to disclose a secret, which--I +really do not know if I ought to initiate you into the horrible +mysteries that threaten to ruin my life." + +"What are they?" queried Lilly, in terrified curiosity. + +"Well, then, from my boyhood up I have been pursued by an awful fate, +which comes upon me when I am utterly defenceless and imposes upon me +responsibility for misdeeds of which I am absolutely innocent, and +places me in breakneck situations, which--I will be outspoken--I +am--well, I am a somnambulist." + +The merry little devils frolicked between his silvery lids, and Lilly, +in spite of herself, burst out laughing. He joined in with his dear, +mute tehee, which shook him like a storm; and they stood there laughing +till they wearied. Lilly no longer thought of her chatelaine's dignity, +or her ethical mission. + +As if by mutual agreement they turned into the deserted depths of the +park, which bordered on a bosky beech grove with neither fence nor hedge +between. + +It grew darker at each step. + +Tommy resigning himself to his fate trotted behind his master +obediently. + +"Well," said Von Prell, after they had recovered from their laugh, "why +should I try to throw dust in your eyes? I am a poor pickerel floundering +here on dry land. Have you the faintest notion of what it means to keep +company with three plebeians and lead a useful vegetable existence, and +from morning till evening steadfastly practise dutifulness and +uprightness? It's more than a fellow can stomach. I tell you, it's enough +to drive him to a dose of castor oil. Tommy self-denyingly helps me tide +over the worst moments, but every now and then he, too, is a +disappointment to me. Will my lady permit me to use this occasion for +asking her an extremely important question?" + +Pleased at his having grown serious, Lilly assented. + +"Can you--can you wag your ears?" + +She succumbed to another paroxysm of laughter as to a spell of sickness, +leaning against a tree and panting for breath, while he continued with +profound affliction in his voice: + +"I am master of the modest art and have been proud to exercise my skill +ever since I was at high school, where it was considered the acme of +human accomplishments. I made up my mind to train Tommy to do the same +trick, and I spent many an hour over him in difficult intellectual +effort, but without result. One day, however, I discovered he could wag +his ears much better than I can, and, I assume, always had been able to. +Only he did it when he wanted to, not when I wanted him to. Isn't that +distressing? Doesn't it reflect the general aimlessness of human +endeavour? O dearest baronissima, I am afraid I shall soon become a +great philosopher out of sheer boredom." + +Lilly could now see only the outline of his figure, behind which the +dog's eyes glowed like two beacon lights. Since her school days she had +not abandoned herself so completely to a spirit of pure fun, and she had +to wait until a pause came in her laughing before she could tell him it +was high time to be returning. + +He obediently turned on his heels, transferring Tommy's chain from one +hand to the other. + +The catastrophe that menaced him seemed to have passed from his mind. +Lilly, therefore, since time pressed and something had to be done for +him, took the bit between her teeth, and reported what Miss von +Schwertfeger intended to do, and what she demanded from him as the price +of her silence. + +Lilly was helping him, but not with that beautiful, dignified air of +superiority with which she had wanted to hold out her rescuing hand. She +felt she was like a playmate of his, and every few moments a +half-suppressed giggle interrupted her speech. + +"The worthy dame has an unconquerable desire to stand about on people's +toes," said Von Prell. "But since we've gotten ourselves into a scrape, +my dear little Tommy, we'll have to juggle to get ourselves out of it. +Thank you very much, my lady. In accordance with your instructions I +will go to her and ask her to forgive me--before going I'll oil my +speaking apparatus. I will be more than repentant, I will even be +roguish. That works on respectable old maids like Spanish fly. And I +will use the opportunity to the best advantage for our future +intercourse with each other--provided of course, my young queen agrees." + +Oh, she agreed fully! + +"But how will you do it?" she asked fearfully. + +"Leave the matter to me," he replied. "Your duenna is a knowing old +beast. But I am even more knowing. I shouldn't be surprised if to-morrow +I didn't earn an occasional supper in the castle, at which I shall have +the opportunity of looking into the eyes of my exalted mistress without +being observed by the two High Mightinesses." + +There were several things in his speech that grated on Lilly. He might +make merry as much as he pleased at Miss von Schwertfeger's expense, but +the colonel stood on too high a plane to be the butt of his ridicule. +And now that Von Prell was out of danger, it occurred to Lilly for the +first time how detestable his conduct had been, and how lacking in +character she was to be sauntering about with him in the dark, laughing +at his sallies. + +"One moment, Mr. von Prell," she said. "I warned you of the danger you +were in, because I thought I owed it to our former friendship. But now +that I have told you, we have nothing more to do with each other. My +time is up. Good evening, Mr. von Prell." + +With that she hurried on ahead along the obscure wood path, and gave no +look around. Suddenly she felt something soft and warm and living slip +between her feet. She screamed and turned about for Von Prell's help. At +the same instant a chain wound itself about her ankle, and held her +fast. + +Since she and Von Prell had turned back, the dog in his eagerness to get +home, had been straining on the chain with all his might, and had taken +her hastening off as a signal to break away, thus entangling himself in +her dress. The more he tugged the more painfully the chain cut into her +flesh. + +That made an end of Lilly's ire. + +Von Prell had to kneel and hold down the unruly little animal, while he +unwound the chain from her ankle. + +"Tommy, Tommy, what have we done? We have grievously hurt our noble +mistress. We can't be blamed for pulling at our chains, but if in doing +so we get under people's skirts, we give great offence. Shame on you, +you rascal." + +He planted a kiss on the dog's pointed little snout. + +"Doesn't he ever bite?" asked Lilly with interest. + +"He has had the benefit of a rigorous military training, as a result of +which he has grown accustomed to kisses." + +Another burst of gaiety. Von Prell held the struggling little ball of +wool up to Lilly, and asked whether she would like to try a kiss, too. + +Laughing she declined, and, laughing, she went home with him. + +Characterless as she was. + +Still laughing aloud, she entered the lighted hall of the castle, where +Miss von Schwertfeger met her with great reproachful eyes. + +"Where have you been, my dear?" she asked, evidently prepared to meet +the grave situation in a mild spirit, while subjecting Lilly, none the +less, to a keen cross-examination. + +"He's so funny!" Lilly sang out, hiding her face red with laughter on +Miss von Schwertfeger's shoulder. + +"Did you--" + +"Of course I did. Do you suppose I'd leave such a delightful, jolly old +friend of mine in the lurch?" + +Miss von Schwertfeger's face became rigid. + +Lilly gave herself a little shake and uttered a joyous gurgle. Then she +ran off to her room, undressed, and burying her head in the pillows +laughed herself to sleep. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +In laughter it began, and in laughter continued. + +When Lilly awoke the next morning she saw that everything about her, the +chandelier, the washstand, and the pretty, sentimental gleaner on the +wall, had assumed a new aspect, and the sun was shining twice as +brightly. + +She stepped to the mirror in her nightgown, and forthwith had to laugh +again at the reflection she saw there, a veritable street Arab's face +with sly, darting eyes and saucy nose. + +At breakfast she fairly sparkled with playful conceits, chased the +stiff-legged colonel about the table, and felt a warm sense of gratitude +toward Miss von Schwertfeger rise within her. + +As for Miss von Schwertfeger, she smiled to herself significantly; and +when the colonel left the room, caught Lilly by her ears, kissed her on +her forehead, and said: + +"You baby, you." + +She made no reference to the confession Lilly had let slip that she and +Von Prell were old friends. In fact, to judge by her manner, you might +suppose she had not heard it. + +Lilly ran up to her balcony, pushed aside the creepers, and sent a +summoning nod to Von Prell, who was walking up and down uncertainly +between the castle and the lodge. + +He understood, bowed, and disappeared in the direction of the terrace +steps. + +What took place between him and Miss von Schwertfeger remained a secret; +and there was no finding out whether or no she had questioned him in +regard to his former relations with the colonel's wife. But whatever the +doubts on that score, the success of his interview was indisputable. So +far from having to slink away from the place, he appeared at the supper +table that very same day, ushered in by the colonel himself. In his +striped coat, white waistcoat and high collar, in which his face lay +almost buried, and wearing his most respectful expression, he was the +very embodiment of correctness. + +"I heard," said the colonel, leading him to Lilly, "that Mr. von Prell +doesn't feel entirely happy over there in the lodge. If you have no +objections he will come to meals oftener after this." + +Lilly hadn't the slightest objections. The thought, however, that Katie +would appear in the doorway the next instant almost choked her. But +another maid took Katie's place in handing old Ferdinand the dishes. +Lilly gave Miss von Schwertfeger a questioning look, which she answered +in a whisper, so as not to be overheard by the gentlemen: + +"The poor girl got very sick, and asked for a long leave of absence. +Most likely she will never come back again." + +In her gratification Lilly impetuously pressed Miss von Schwertfeger's +hand under the table. She had a dim idea that Katie had been dismissed +in order to spare her the repugnance of witnessing something impure. + +The gentlemen without delay plunged deep into a discussion of the +cavalry, richly interlarding their talk with proper names. + +Mr. von Prell sat inclined toward the colonel to take in the +instructions of his old commander, and kept blinking his lids in +respectful attention. The colonel dominated like a wrathful god. He +spoke gruffly and noisily and shot out his dagger glances as if to mow +down rank after rank of the enemy's army. But this was nothing else +than a craftsman's vain joy in his work. + +Lilly listened, and would gladly have taken part in the conversation, +but the men had forgotten her presence, and a jealous gloom clouded her +spirit, for which she did not know whether to blame the colonel or Von +Prell. + +When Von Prell rose to take leave the colonel laying his hand on the +young man's shoulder said: + +"See here, why haven't we done this before?" The glance he sent Lilly +seemed to signify: "Such an amount of caution was really unnecessary." + +When the first cool days in September brought on the colonel's gout +again, and his visits to town had to be postponed indefinitely, Von +Prell's invitations to supper grew more frequent. + +The colonel groaned and cursed each time he mounted a horse, though he +refused to listen to Lilly when she pled with him to give up his morning +gallop. + +"Too bad all of you are always so dreadfully concerned about me," she +observed, "because sometimes I might take your place in riding about the +country." + +The colonel and his housekeeper exchanged looks. + +"After all, it's a shame she can't ride horseback. Any decent sort of a +riding master might take her in hand. My morning excursion is more than +enough for me. What do you think, Anna, can we entrust her to that +humbug Von Prell?" + +Lilly's face lighted up with joy. Miss von Schwertfeger let her eyes +rest on her glowing cheeks and said very slowly, as if to chew the cud +of every word: + +"You know Von Prell is reckless. What if he should bring our darling +back to us some day with broken bones? At all events, it seems to me, +before deciding, we had better consider the matter carefully." + +Though Lilly took good care not to utter a syllable expressive of desire +or opposition, she was not successful, apparently, in concealing her +secret wishes; for the next time they were alone together, Miss von +Schwertfeger suddenly took Lilly's face between her hands and said: + +"Get rid of the idea, darling. Do. Believe me, it's better so." + +About this time Lilly made a remarkable and somewhat suspicious find. +She enjoyed going on expeditions of discovery through the spacious +castle, only part of which was inhabited; and on one occasion while +rummaging about in one of the third-story guest rooms, now seldom used, +she extracted from a chiffonier a light gauze shirt, covered with silver +spangles and shot with silver thread, resembling the shirt she had often +had to wear during the Dresden stay before going to bed. Her own shirt +these days hung undisturbed in her closet, from which it had not been +removed even for Miss von Schwertfeger's inspection, because Lilly was a +little ashamed of it. + +Her curiosity was piqued by the vestment she had found, and folding it +carefully she went down to question her friend about it. + +Miss von Schwertfeger was sitting over her account books, and scarcely +looked up when Lilly entered. But suddenly the gleam of the tinsel in +the sunlight attracted her attention. A quiver ran through her body. Her +eyes widened, her figure stiffened, as if she were looking at a ghost. + +"What's the matter? What's the matter?" laughed Lilly. + +"I thought I had cleared up thoroughly," she said, shaking herself. + +She snatched the garment from Lilly's hand, wrapped it up in a piece of +paper, and carried it to the kitchen, followed by Lilly, who saw a +whirl of smoke carry bits of silver thread up the hearth chimney. + +Old Maggie stood by looking in bewilderment from one to the other. She +seemed to know what the discovery involved, but later, when Lilly tried +to extract information from her, she had lost her faculty of speech. + +"I didn't always use to be just where the colonel was," she stuttered. +"Ask Miss von Schwertfeger. She knows. She'll tell you." + +But Miss von Schwertfeger would not tell. She went about with compressed +lips, gave short answers when spoken to, and kept her extinct eyes +fastened upon empty space. + +One evening at supper, her demeanour, apparently from no external cause, +underwent a sudden change. She laughed, chatted, was tender to Lilly, +and attentive to her master, pitying him on account of his pain, +suggesting new remedies, and obtaining his promise to give up his +morning ride. + +"By the way," she went on, "as to Lilly's taking riding lessons, I've +thought it over carefully, and have come to the conclusion that if we +are present--at first, at least--we may entrust her to the young man." + +Lilly fetched a deep sigh of joy; but the two pairs of eyes could not +have detected the trace of a smile on her face, the faintest glimmer of +delight, so well had she learned to keep herself under control. + +The next morning the riding lessons began, with the colonel and Miss von +Schwertfeger, of course, in attendance. + +Walter von Prell appeared in riding boots and a jockey's cap. The +forward inclination of the upper part of his body seemed to signify, "I +am awaiting orders," and his respectfulness and obsequiousness kept him +shifting from one foot to the other. + +For the first essay they had chosen a lamblike grey mare, narrow-chested +and somewhat overtrained in the fore-hand, yet a smart, well-fed animal. + +Mr. von Prell proceeded very methodically to explain the construction of +the saddle and bridle, showed Lilly how the girths are buckled, how the +snaffle and curb rein have to lie, and how to keep the curb chain from +choking the horse. + +Next came learning how to mount. When Lilly for the first time put her +foot on his interlaced fingers she felt a warm thrill to the very back +of her neck, as if this contact with him were a sign of secret +understanding between them. + +"One, two, three," he counted, and there she was in the saddle. + +The colonel clapped his hands in approval, and Walter von Prell blushed +with pride to the roots of his blond hair. + +From now on he had the game in his hands. + +"Who'd have thought that blusterer has such a lot of pedantry in his +make-up?" said the colonel turning to Miss von Schwertfeger, who nodded +silently and took a deep breath, as if something were oppressing her. + +By the time Lilly was ready to dismount, she had learned how to draw in +the reins and slacken them and to turn to the right or the left; and she +had even ventured a trot about the yard. In short, as the colonel +good-humouredly remarked, "She was on the road to becoming the most +dashing horsewoman in the army." + +The lessons followed in quick succession. Either Miss von Schwertfeger +or the colonel was always present, and there was no opportunity for +private conversation between Lilly and Von Prell. + +Von Prell maintained his stiff, abject obsequiousness, while Lilly +burned with the desire to see his waggery flash up in a look or word +intelligible to her alone. + +One day, it chanced, both guards were absent. + +The colonel was busied with the construction of a riding-ring, in which +his gout might defy the inclemencies of the weather, and Miss von +Schwertfeger was nowhere to be found. + +Lilly's heart beat violently when she met her friend, and the smile with +which she held out her hand to him, expressed uneasy triumph. + +He responded with a sly thrust of his tongue in the direction of the +terrace, where her honour was wont to stand. + +"She couldn't be found anywhere," whispered Lilly. + +"_What_ will we do?" he moaned, wringing his hands. "Why, without the +worthy dame's protection we shan't even be able to mount." + +Deep blue heavens arched above. A cool breeze, heavy with the smell of +freshly turned soil, blew across the courtyard. + +He pointed with a wily look to the open gate. + +She laughed and nodded assent. + +The next minute she was galloping at his side along the grassy wood +path, where no Argus eyes could follow her, in utter abandon, inwardly +exulting and eagerly expectant of mad pranks to be played. + +Von Prell, for his part, seemed indisposed to avail himself of his +unhoped for liberty. He held his eyes fixed on the road in front, every +now and then caught at her reins, regulated the length of the stirrup, +and made her sit better in the saddle. He was the riding master, +nothing else. + +"How's Tommy?" she asked at length, bored. + +"Tommy sends his regards," he replied, without removing his gaze from +the road, "and says we'd better pay attention to nothing but the horses +to-day, because if something should happen we'd never be allowed to go +out again." + +"And I send my regards to Tommy, and tell him he's a goose." + +"I will without fail," he rejoined, and nodded his riding crop. + +They now entered a grove of birch trees, where the ground was somewhat +boggy and demanded added attention. + +But Lilly had eyes for nothing but the silvery gleam of the trunks and +the golden webs which quivered in the wind and floated down on her +cheeks. + +"Oh, see how beautiful!" she said with a blissful sigh. + +"Walk your horse, please." + +A demon took possession of Lilly. Touching her horse with her crop she +went off in a mad gallop that was contrary to all the rules and +regulations of horseback riding. + +The next instant, however, Von Prell was at her side gripping her reins +and pulling up both horses. + +They looked at each other with flashing eyes. + +Lilly felt she had to throw herself over toward him just to be nearer to +him. + +"Say, Lilly, what do you mean by that?" he hissed. + +She started and showed her white teeth. + +"Say, Walter, what do you mean by that?" she retorted. + +They turned the horses' heads and rode back home slowly, in silence, +without looking at each other. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + +The threshing machine had been singing its autumn song for many a day. +Its monotonous whirr could be heard far beyond the castle court. It +carried no message of golden blessings or glowing crystallised sunlight. +From morning till late at night it moaned and howled like an aeolian harp +in stormbeaten branches; and sometimes soft, long-drawn cries burst from +its entrails, as if the sheaves it was torturing and tearing had been +endowed with speech. + +So much dreamy bliss dwelt again in Lilly's soul that she got nothing +but allurement and yearning from this music, which entirely obsessed her +in her morning slumber and kept her lying in bed a long time in a drowsy +half-sleep the better to listen to its even, unvarying singsong. + +All the while she thought of him. + +A comrade, a playmate, that was what she had needed all along, some one +in whose company to make merry and complain, some one who would confess +all his follies, his most secret sins, and then receive laughing +absolution. For whatever his crime, he was not the guilty one; his youth +was the sinner, the same sweet, mischievous youth which filled her soul +with melancholy and her body with shuddering, which dominated them both +like a beneficent yet tormenting divinity, who favoured the one and +ruined the other. + +He had to be saved--saved from his own frivolity, from that fatal +condition of his soul which threatened to entangle and choke him in a +net of vulgar escapades. Rumours of the low life he was leading kept +cropping up not to be silenced, and she needed but to step inside the +servants' hall for a stream of gossip to come gushing over her like a +jet of dirty water. + +Her first intervention was to be only the beginning of the great mission +she had to perform in his life. She would be his good genius, walking +before him and holding up her hands against every evil temptation, until +he had become as pure, as undesirous as herself. + +Thus she dreamed to the accompaniment of the threshing machine. + +The first ride beyond the castle gates, though taken without permission, +had been approved, even commended; and others were to follow. But Lilly +hesitated. She wanted to learn a decent canter, she said, before +venturing upon new roads. As a matter of fact, she was burning with +eagerness for another such hour in Von Prell's company, and merely +lacked the courage to bring it about. + +The morning after that first ride he was the same cringing riding master +as before, outdoing himself in respectfulness and over-polite while +rigorous in imparting instruction. Lilly had fully expected he would +whisper a familiar word hinting at the day before, a soft "Lilly." There +was plenty of opportunity, but nothing of the sort took place. + +The next few lessons went in the same fashion. Neither Lilly nor Von +Prell thought of leaving the courtyard. But one day the decree went +forth from the colonel himself. + +"Enough of this hopping about on the gravel. Get out of here and air +yourselves in the wind of the fields." + +"At your command, Colonel," said Von Prell, touching his cap. He rode +his horse up to Lilly's and gently steered both of them out of the gate. + +Her heart stood still. She forgot to say good-by to the colonel, she +was so preoccupied with anticipation of the pleasure in store for her. + +They went the same road that had brought her the great experience of the +week before. + +The willows dripped with dew and at the slightest touch showered down a +rain of drops. Lilly laughed and shook herself. Instead of joining in, +he guided his horse to the edge of the road, leaving the middle to her. + +"But I _want_ to get wet," she said. + +"As my lady says," he replied, stiff as a poker in his stupid, +artificial respect. + +Then they rode on in silence. + +When they reached the spot where the great event had occurred which gave +the lie to his present behaviour, she ventured to send him a furtive +sidelong glance. But he did not respond, seeming not to have noticed her +look. His jockey cap pulled close over his head down to the back of his +neck, his thin, tightly-drawn face, sprinkled with dewdrops, his boyish +body, all muscle and bone, he sat on his saddle as if he and his horse +were one. + +"How I love him, in spite of everything, the dear little fellow," she +thought, and pictured to herself how horribly abandoned she would feel +if ever he were to leave the place. And it became clear as day to her +that the gay excitement in her soul, the sense of abundance in her life +here where she dwelt, had arisen from nothing else than his always, +always being near by. + +They rode along at an even gait. The brown ridges bordering the opposite +bank of the stream drew nearer and nearer. Von Prell seemed to be making +for them, but this did not serve her purpose, because the hour for a +frank talk had struck. + +To-day or never! + +She made a great effort to go over in her mind what she would say to +him. But her thoughts were incoherent. She had to keep her attention +fixed on the horse; and so long as she remained in the saddle she felt +herself too much under Von Prell's control. + +Summoning all her courage she asked: + +"Can't we dismount?" + +He paused to consider, but she had jumped from her horse already, and he +had just time enough to grasp the mare's snaffle. He reprimanded her, +though in the end he had to yield. + +They walked side by side, Von Prell leading both horses. + +The path led through a stone pit sparsely grown with oak trees and +alders. Golden marigold buttons dotted the marshy spots, and the +bur-reed stretched out its bristly fruit on crinkled arms. Reddish dock +raised its aging stalk and the floating grass was drawing in its blades +in expectation of approaching autumn. + +A mountain-ash, felled by a storm, stretched diagonally from the side of +the road across the ditch. Its purplish red clusters of berries glowed +like flames which by right should have been extinguished long ago, but +which a mysterious life-force kept feeding. + +"I'd like to sit here," said Lilly + +He bowed. + +"If you please." + +"But you must sit down, too." + +"I must hold the horses, my lady." + +"You can tie them to a tree." + +He considered a while. + +"I can," he said, and tied the reins about the stump of the fallen tree. + +When he was about to sit down next to her, she moved nearer to the +middle of the trunk to make room for him, and she sat with her feet +dangling over the ditch water. + +He shoved himself after her, swinging his upper body between his arms, +which held him like props. + +"No further," she said. She did not want him too close to her. + +"At my lady's service," he answered, and kicked his heels. + +The grotesque stiffness of his speech annoyed her. + +"Don't you know a better way of addressing me when we are alone?" she +asked, looking him full in the face. + +"I do, but I mustn't" + +"And last time--how about then?" + +"It happened to be my birthday," he replied, "and I wanted a pretty +gift, so I presented that to myself." + +"And to-day's my birthday," she laughed. "What will you present me +with?" + +"Whatever my lady wishes." + +"Call me comrade." + +"Once or always?" + +"Always." + +"Just _say_ comrade, or be comrade, too?" + +"Be, be, be," she cried. "The being is the chief thing." + +"Agreed!" he said, cautiously sliding his right hand along the swaying +trunk. + +"Agreed!" she said, and they shook hands on it. + +"There's something else to be passed upon in connection with this," he +observed, and cleared his throat. + +"What's that?" + +"Is this comradeship to be accompanied or not to be accompanied by the +use of the first name?" + +"Not," rejoined Lilly, thinking she had made a great sacrifice. + +He took the prohibition at its face value and said obediently: + +"As my comrade wishes." + +Now her time had come. Lilly drew in a deep breath and said: + +"I have something very serious to say to you, Mr. Von Prell." + +He seemed to suspect evil. + +"Ouch," he said, and bit his gloved thumb. + +Lilly began. She would say absolutely nothing about that affair with +Katie, even though it was very dreadful, because what is to be forgiven +must also be forgotten. But if he thought the life he had been leading +ever since he had come to Lischnitz had remained a secret, he was +greatly mistaken. Even the scrubbing women laughed at him behind his +back. But he couldn't expect anything else, if he--and she recounted the +list of his sins, which, in spite of herself, had reached her ears from +the servants' hall. + +Lilly was ashamed of what she said. She had meant to speak of entirely +different things--of the loftiness of human existence, of the greatness +of self-abnegation, of keeping oneself pure for the sake of genuine +feelings, of the mysterious spiritual union of the elect on earth, and +much more in the same strain. But when she saw him, as he sat there with +his back curved and his feet turned inward, causing bulbs to appear and +disappear on the soft leather of his riding boots where they covered his +big toes, nothing better occurred to her. + +He did not interrupt her. + +When she had concluded he maintained silence and occupied himself with +following the movements of an insect which was wriggling in the dark, +slimy water of the ditch. + +"Have you nothing to say," she asked, "after I have reproached you with +such disgraceful behaviour?" + +"What should I have to say?" he asked in turn. "My one claim to +celebrity is my being a man utterly devoid of moral fibre. Should I lose +that one claim, too?" + +"If you have nothing within yourself to hold you up, lean on me," she +cried, glowing with eagerness. "Let me be your friend, your adviser, +your--" + +"Foster-father," he suggested, and swished about the slime with his +crop. + +She realised that everything she said was lost on him; that he even +seized whatever opportunity offered to make merry at her expense. + +"Please get up and let me by," she said. "Why should I cast what is best +in me before one who is unworthy?" + +He made no movement to leave his seat. + +"Look, comrade," he said, pointing to the dark, mirror-like surface of +the water. "A water spider is gliding about there all the time with its +legs up and its head down. If you were to ask it why, it would say it +doesn't know how to glide differently. That's its nature. What's to be +done?" + +"A man can restrain himself," she cried, flaring up and casting +indignant glances at him. "A man can look up to heights, to an ideal. He +can listen to the advice of a friend who means well by him--that's what +he can do." + +"And what does his friend advise?" he asked flatteringly, while swinging +himself nearer. + +But this time she did not answer. She covered her face with her hands +and cried, cried so that her body shook with sobs. + +"For God's sake, sit still," he exclaimed, stretching his arms about her +in a wide circle, for she was in danger of losing her balance on the +slim, swaying trunk of the mountain-ash. "Do sit still, Lilly, else +you'll fall into the water." + +She shuddered. She heard nothing of what he said except that sweet, +secret, criminal "Lilly," for which she had been longing the whole +week. + +Then he promised her everything she wanted of him. He wouldn't run after +any more servant girls, he wouldn't spend nights boozing with the +inspector and the bookkeeper, he wouldn't--oh, what wouldn't he do, if +only she stopped crying. + +"Your word of honour?" she said, raising her wet, reddened eyes. + +"My word of honour," he replied without an instant's hesitation. + +She smiled at him, happy and grateful. + +"You won't regret it," she said. "I'll be close at hand, I'll be your +friend, I will do whatever I can." + +"And whatever the two High Mightinesses permit," he added. + +This time the epithet "High Mightinesses" did not annoy her. She +shrugged her shoulders and said: "Oh, they--yes, of course." + +Then they both laughed till they came near falling into the ditch after +all. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + +Delightful times followed. A game of hide-and-seek with herself, a +long-drawn draught from an unfailing fount of expectancy, anticipation, +delicious aftertaste and joyous recollections. Each day brought new +pleasures and untold wealth. + +Sometimes when Lilly threw open the shutters in the morning and the +fresh red September air flowed in over her she felt as if God had spread +a mantle of sunny gold over the heavens to wrap both of them in, so snug +and close that the whole world disappeared, leaving no one but +themselves behind, pressed against each other in laughter and drunk with +all that light. + +She felt she was growing more beautiful from day to day and emanated a +sort of radiance which caused all who met her to look up with a smile of +astonishment and satisfaction, mingled, however, with a touch of +melancholy, such as always comes over us when we see a human being or a +flower developing too happily, too proudly for its glory to endure. + +The two High Mightinesses did not keep their eyes closed, either. + +The colonel found no formula for such symptoms in his store of +experiences. Had Lilly gone about downcast, staring dreamily into space, +had she crept about him timidly, had she wavered between ardour and +estrangement, his suspicions would have grown lively. He would have +begun to sound and spy on her. But it was not in his power to discern +aught else than increased spiritual well-being in her pliable, blissful +tenderness. + +So he smirked complacently at the harmless gaiety his young wife +radiated, and with paternal calm accepted the lavish caresses, which +served as an outlet for her overwrought ecstasy. + +Anna von Schwertfeger shared no less benevolently in Lilly's happiness. +She seemed to harbour as little suspicion as the colonel that a third +person was playing a part in her life. Otherwise she would scarcely have +viewed the growing frequency with which the two young people met with +such unbegrudging kindliness. + +Often after supper she drew Lilly into the room on the ground floor, +where she dwelt amid her account books. A genuine old maid's home, with +canary birds, flower pots, faded family photographs, and all sorts of +gilt and china knick-knacks, remnants of past glory such as are handed +down from generation to generation in families of decayed gentlefolk. + +At other times she came gliding into Lilly's bedroom at an incredibly +late hour, seated herself on the edge of the bed, and did not stir until +she heard the sound of the colonel's carriage coming from the station. + +The two women would plunge into profound conversations concerning life +and death, solitary old age and overflowing youth, the measure God has +set for each mortal, and the misfortune of trying to exceed that +measure. Anna von Schwertfeger no longer pried or warned, yet her +fashion of hopping from subject to subject, of heedlessly expressing an +opinion the very reverse of one she had uttered a moment before, seemed +sufficient reason for supposing that her mind was occupied with very, +very different things. + +Often while her speech flowed on monotonously Lilly would be astonished +to look up and find her eyes resting on her intently, almost +apprehensively. Then again Lilly would feel herself stroked and kissed +with such pitying inwardliness that she herself was touched, and later, +when left alone, she began to feel afraid of the dark, as if a menacing +fate were crouching at the bottom of her bed ready to pounce on her and +choke her. + +But from where was misfortune to drop on her? Wasn't she more securely +stowed away than ever before in her life? Whom did she deceive? Wherein +did she sin? Even if the few little secrets binding her to Walter should +be discovered, how would she be punished? She would simply get a fine +sermon like a naughty child, nothing worse. + +Thus she comforted herself before the aftertaste of Miss von +Schwertfeger's late visits was dispelled by new dreams of happiness. + +September neared its end. + +Lilly went horseback riding with Von Prell almost every day, or she met +him at twilight, as if by chance, in deserted parts of the park. They +would spy each other strolling about some one of the various places they +had fixed upon once for all. Then there was the pea-shooter to fall back +upon in case different arrangements had to be made. + +Von Prell had brought the convenient instrument from the city, and it +reposed innocently in a corner of Lilly's balcony, to all appearances +nothing more than a superfluous curtain-rod. It enabled her to blow +whatever message she wanted through the foliage on the balcony directly +into his open window. + +Sometimes it was only "Good morning, comrade," sometimes the hour of +meeting, or sometimes a harmless jest, the outgrowth of a moment's +exuberance. + +On the evenings the colonel remained at home Von Prell was +usually invited to supper. Though he then assumed his +according-to-rules-and-regulations stiffness, the opportunity for a +little byplay was now always afforded. + +Neither Lilly nor Von Prell moved a muscle and the two High Mightinesses +sat there unsuspecting. + +But Lilly had a rival whom she feared and detested, because that rival +had the power to draw her "comrade's" attention from her for hours at a +time. The mere mention of the rival's name sufficed to reduce Lilly to +the position of nothing but a lay figure. The rival was--the regiment. + +The time of the autumn manoeuvres had come, and both gentlemen read +the papers with feverish interest to see what part was being taken by +their former regiment. + +One evening they sent off a picture postal with congratulations to the +regiment. Two days later the reply came, also on a postal, all scribbled +over with names which it required a vast effort to decipher. + +Three remained illegible, or, rather, inexplicable, until all of a +sudden Walter lit upon the solution: Von Holten, Dehnicke, Von Berg, +summer lieutenants, who had been called into service for the +manoeuvres and had signed their names along with the other officers. + +All but one of the names fell upon Lilly's ear unheeded. "Dehnicke" +struck her as a little odd, because its bourgeois simplicity did not +seem to chime in well with the ringing charm of the old patrician names. + +The greeting from out of his past had no benign influence on the +colonel's mood. He grew taciturn, then surly; and Lilly caught a +sidelong glance of his fixed on her, which caused her to start in +terror, it was so wildly, fiercely reproachful. + +Thereafter his visits to the neighbouring garrison town grew more +frequent, and despite his painful gout he never refused an invitation to +join a hunt. + + * * * * * + +It was the first Sunday in October. + +The colonel had left at dawn to go to a neighbour with the intention of +not returning until late at night. + +A soft grey mist shot with violet suggestions of the sun lay over the +ground when Lilly, bored and writhing internally, came out of church on +Miss von Schwertfeger's arm. + +The sunflowers in the tenants' gardens were already sinking their singed +heads and the asters showed signs of having suffered from the murderous +blows of Jack Frost. + +But the air was as sweet and spicy as in spring, and from the fields +came a singing as of meadow larks. + +"Such a day, such a day!" thought Lilly, and stretched herself in a +vague yearning for secret conversation and glad pranks. + +She must have thought a little too loud, for Miss von Schwertfeger +asked: + +"What's the matter with to-day?" + +"I don't know," replied Lilly, blushing. "I feel as if it were some +festival." + +Miss von Schwertfeger looked at her askance and said, emphasising each +word: + +"I should like to make a festival of it for myself and visit a friend of +mine in the city. But the colonel is away and I don't know--" + +Lilly started so violently that she lost her breath for an instant. But +she mastered herself cleverly and began to persuade Miss von +Schwertfeger, first speaking coolly, then more warmly and urgently. She +needed a little outing; she hadn't left the place all summer; she lived +like a prisoner, and ought to grant herself at least one hour of +freedom. + +Miss von Schwertfeger nodded meditatively, and that glassy stare came +into her eyes which always discomfited Lilly. + +At the midday meal, which the two took in each other's company, she was +still undecided; but as soon as they rose from table she ordered the +carriage to be brought around and drove off without saying good-by. + +Lilly, who watched her departure, ran for the pea-shooter. The foliage +of the creepers still hedged in her little domain so perfectly that Von +Prell could not see her. But she could see him as he sat at the open +window brooding over a book with a deep fold between his brows. + +"My good influence," thought Lilly triumphantly, and it almost made her +feel sorry to tear him away from so salutary an occupation. + +The inspector and the bookkeeper were walking up and down near the lodge +smoking their Sunday afternoon cigarettes. + +So more than ordinary caution was necessary. + +The pellet containing her missive hit Von Prell's forehead, rebounded, +and fell on the grass outside the window. + +Von Prell had himself so well in hand that he even refrained from +looking up to show he understood. After a while, however, he let the +book fall out of the window as if by accident, and then got up to fetch +it with an indifferent air. + +Half an hour later they met behind the carp pond. + +He was wearing a new black and white checked fall suit, similar to the +one the fateful stranger in the railroad train had worn. + +"You're entirely too elegant," Lilly joked. "I'd rather not be in your +company to-day." + +"That would be a sin and a shame," he observed. "I had these trappings +constructed extra for to-day." + +"Why for to-day?" + +"Because to-day's our festival." + +"How did that occur to you?" she faltered, startled that their thoughts +had taken the same course. + +"Oh, a person gets notions," he replied, and smiled significantly. + +Under the same impulse they took the path leading to the beech grove +which they had wandered through on the first evening of their renewed +friendship. + +"How's Tommy?" Lilly asked, recollecting the third party to the +alliance. + +"He bit away the flooring in my room and dug a hole for himself, where +he snarls like an eagle-owl. I shouldn't advise you to stick your +wedding-ring finger into his hole. You might suddenly lose your ring and +your finger, too." + +"Why have you let him get so wild?" she asked reproachfully. + +"Why have I let myself get so wild?" he retorted. + +"Well, you're growing tame again," replied Lilly, caressing him with her +eyes. His recent tameness was all her doing. + +"Do you think so?" he asked, and drew his brows together masterfully, as +in his lieutenant days. + +"Haven't I your word of honour?" she exulted. + +"Pshaw!" + +Lilly basked in the superbness of her mission of salvation. + +"No matter how much you disdain my influence," she replied, "everybody +sees that a change has taken place in you. Mr. Leichtweg says you're +always the first to begin work now. You've borrowed that great book on +agriculture from the colonel--it impressed him tremendously--and Miss +von Schwertfeger said a little while ago you always look so appetizing +now. Yes, Mr. von Prell, I take the credit for all this, and if things +continue the same way we shall remain good friends." + +"Apropos of appetizing," he said, "your neck beginning back of your ears +is all covered with tiny, silky hairs. Do you know from what that +comes?" + +"Oh, nonsense," Lilly exclaimed, blushing. "Why? Do you know?" + +"A wise man has theories. For instance, observe this plot of grass." He +pointed to a clearing below them, through which a rill trickled, and +which was closely grown with tender, juicy grass of a vivid green. "From +the way it looks you'd suppose it was still spring. Until late in the +summer that plot stood under water, and the spots that least often or +never get dry grow the finest down--that's nature." + +Lilly was on the point of taking his botany lesson in earnest when she +chanced to notice the wicked grimace he was making. Then she understood +the shameless allusion and had to laugh over it helplessly. + +"Listen, baronissima, how about playing tag? We owe it to the +circulation of your excellency's blood." + +The words were scarcely out of his mouth when with a blithe shout she +darted off down the slope, the bottom of which was lost in the purple +darkness of autumn. But at the end of a short stretch she tripped over +the Scotch plaid she had taken along and had refused to let Von Prell +carry. She fell full length and he came just in time to help her to her +feet. + +This having spoiled Lilly's taste for tag they mounted the hill like +well-behaved children. + +Here their eyes could travel over a rippling lake of leaves far, far +away. The beeches glowed a deep red, the maples danced in all the +colours of the rainbow, the birches quivered with bright flames, the elm +flaunted its flakes of gold, while the oak alone obstinately retained +its green garb of summer. + +Lilly stared into the violet-veiled distance. + +The sun hid itself behind gold-rimmed clouds, from which fiery tracks +descended to earth. A narrow band of scarlet edged the horizon. + +"Shall we sit down here?" asked Von Prell. + +"No, not here," said Lilly, seized with a vague dread. "I'll begin to +cry here." + +She ran ahead of him, back into the woods, and came again upon the path +leading along the rill. + +Here the darkness of evening prevailed, but the sun-charm in which they +had been enveloped worked its magic here, too, and filled her heart with +a happy devoutness. + +Oh, how happy she was! How happy she was! + +No fear and no danger so far as her thoughts could reach; and no danger +from her own heart, for the man walking by her side was her friend and +playmate, nothing more. He might not and could not be anything else. No +secret wish, no distorted desire came from him or went to meet him. + +Everything uniting him to her was clear and transparent as sunlight. +Even if the others must not have a suspicion of their intercourse, there +was no sin in it--only salvation for him and laughter for her and youth +for both. + +She felt a warm-hearted impulse to take his hand, but fearing to be +misunderstood she checked herself. + +Thus they walked at each other's side to the spot where the rill was +caught up in a rotting wooden conduit, from which it spouted with a soft +singsong. + +Withered ferns covered the light green moss with their ragged red +fronds and tired leaves came fluttering down out of the beech trees. + +"Let us rest here," suggested Lilly. + +"But it's damp." + +"We'll spread the plaid," she said eagerly, taking the blanket from +him--he had managed to snatch it away from her--and threw it over the +fern stalks, which cracked under the weight. + +She sat down on the right side of the plaid and invited him to make use +of the left side, to keep his fine new suit clean. + +"Do you hear the vesper bells?" he asked. "We ought to be eating supper +now." + +"We poor church mice, we have nothing," she laughed. + +"Who told you so?" he asked, triumphantly producing a small paper +package from his pocket, which contained a mashed, crumbly piece of +cake. They laid it between them and ate the morsels from their hollowed +hands, laughing all the while. The cake tasted like sweet wine, and +Lilly felicitously hit upon its correct name, punch-tart, of which she +was especially fond. + +"The English call it tipsy-cake," he explained. "It quite befuddles +one." + +"That amount of intoxication I'll risk," she laughed, and threw herself +on her back, folding her hands behind her head. + +She lay there a time without moving and looked up to the sky, of which +jagged oval bits shimmered through the foliage. Rosy flakes swam in the +opalescent ether, and way beyond appeared the vault of another heaven, +which in some places burst through the nearer sky like a deep blue +foreboding. + +Lilly stretched her arms upward yearningly. + +"Do you want to catch the larks?" he asked. + +No, not that, but she would like to have one of the falling leaves. + +They kept dropping, dropping from the boughs like birds with broken +wings, and fluttered over the ground in little spirals, as if undecided +where to rest. + +"We'll see to which of us the first one comes," he said, and also +stretched himself on his back. + +"The one to whom a leaf comes first will be blessed with a great piece +of good fortune," she added. + +They lay still and waited. + +At last one floated toward him and prepared to settle on his nose. + +But he would not permit this--hers must be that great piece of good +fortune--and he blew the leaf back to her. + +She in turn was too proud to accept so munificent a gift and blew it +back to him. + +Thus laughing and tossing themselves about, they kept the leaf whirling +between them, and suddenly in the heat of the struggle their lips +touched--touched and would not separate. + +The next instant they held each other in close embrace, and the instant +after she was his. + + * * * * * + +The rill purled, the leaves fell as before. But a fiery mist lay upon +the earth, and all over small suns winked rainbow coloured eyes. + +Why had it happened? + +She fell back without thinking and noticed that the heavens above were +also clothed in fire. + +Her comrade sat beside her with his back curved like a berated schoolboy +and rubbed his nails against one another. + +"Oh, let's go home," said Lilly, downheartedly. + +"As my lady commands," he replied, grotesquely respectful again. + +She laughed a weary, mirthless laugh. + +Apparently he was concerned with getting rid of what had happened as +speedily as possible. + +"Oh, now it's all the same," she sighed; "now we can quite calmly call +each other by our first names." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + +First came dread, the same senseless dread that had dominated Lilly's +being before her engagement. It stiffened her limbs, bound her arms to +her body, crippled her knees, beat against the walls of the veins in her +neck and created a black void in her brain. + +But after she had gone through the first meeting with Von Prell and +nothing fateful occurred, her fear died down and what remained was a +searching attentiveness, a readiness to jump aside at the least sign of +danger, a tense anticipation of ticklish questions to be answered +properly and pitfalls to be avoided with a crafty assumption of +innocence. + +The colonel noticed nothing--he, the most suspicious of married men, +with the keenest scent, who harboured the least illusions concerning the +opposite sex, he noticed nothing. He even believed the headache myth and +lavished mocking yet tender pity upon her, while he sat at her bedside +laughing and helping her change the compresses that Miss von +Schwertfeger had solicitously prepared. + +It was more difficult for Lilly to endure the woman's caresses. Behind +them lurked a squinting pair of eyes, shy, heedful, and endeavouring to +look harmless, while, in spite of themselves, revealing a greedy desire +to know. + +The anxiety that so far as the colonel was concerned gradually lulled +itself to sleep, grew sharper with regard to the self-sacrificing +friend, who at any moment might become her enemy and betrayer. + +Lilly did not dare to cry until night time, when she felt sure of being +alone. She would jump out of bed to wash her eyes, go back to bed again +and cry until sleep took her in its soothing arms. + +It was not shame, nor regret, nor longing love. It was a feeling of +infinite solitariness, it was a straying about in perplexity. + +"What will happen now?" + +For something must surely happen--confession, convent, flight together, +suicide together, or one of all those events described in Mrs. +Asmussen's books as following upon so atrocious a deed. + +The week passed. + +Lilly had arisen from her sick bed several days before, but she had not +seen Von Prell. She could discover no signs of him, even when she locked +all the entrances to her room and rushed to the window for a glimpse of +him. + +All the while the colonel kept recommending horseback riding. There was +Von Prell to take her and the exercise would do her good. + +At last, Saturday at dusk, she felt she had to yield--they would meet at +dinner the next day at any rate. + +The horses were pawing before the door. + +The moment for the meeting before which she had recoiled had arrived +with its threat of fresh dangers. + +When she saw her friend ascend the terrace steps in his high, shiny +riding boots, looking pale and thin, and moving as if by springs to +display his counterfeit respect, something within her suddenly turned +numb. + +"Why, that young man there is an utter stranger," she felt. "He doesn't +concern you in the least--you are looking upon him for the first time in +your life." + +They rode out of the gate. + +The colonel had gone to the stables, but Miss von Schwertfeger stood on +the terrace with her hands clasped and looked after them. + +The road, muddy with recent rains, plashed under the horses' hoofs and a +cold evening wind crinkled the winter wheat. A yellow sheen hiding the +poverty-stricken sun glimmered behind the ragged birch boughs. +Everything looked sad and weary. It even seemed a vain task to have +sowed the winter wheat. + +They trotted on side by side in silence--a long, long series of anxious +moments. + +"He must speak some time," thought Lilly, biting her tongue till it +bled. + +He kept his eyes fixed undeviatingly upon the road ahead, making only +slight movements of his right hand from time to time to adjust his +reins. + +"He'll call me 'my lady' again," she thought, and felt ashamed in +advance for both of them. + +Finally she took heart and spoke to him. + +"Do walk your horse," she said, almost crying. + +"Of course, comrade," he replied, and reined in his chestnut. + +"Comrade! Comrade!" she burst out, and passionately searched his eyes +with hers. + +He shrugged his shoulders, as always when he feared a scolding, and said +nothing. + +"Say something, won't you?" she screamed, quite beside herself. + +"What should I say?" he queried, making a little gesture, as if to +scratch his head. "It's a nasty business. We know it." And muttering to +himself, he repeated, "Nasty business, nasty business!" + +"Is that all you have to say to me?" she cried. + +"My dear friend," he replied, "I am small, my heart is small. It's not +a suitable spot for harbouring great anguish of the soul." + +"Pshaw, who's speaking of anguish of the soul? But what's to become of +us, that's what I should like to know." + +"As soon as I come into possession of an unencumbered manorial estate," +he replied with a gesture of invitation, "a castle, stables, vehicles +and other animate and inanimate things thereunto appertaining, I shall +take the liberty of applying to your husband for your hand." + +This completely robbed Lilly of her self-control. + +"If you keep on making such jokes," she screamed, bursting into tears, +"I'll ride to death, now, before your very eyes." + +"A difficult thing to do with that well-behaved nag of yours." + +Lilly was at her wits' end and simply let the tears course down her +cheeks in silence. + +At last he changed his tone. + +"Well, well, child," he said, "be sensible for a change. All I want to +do is tickle the superfluous tragedy out of your soul. And as soon as +you make a glad face again I'll try to give the matter most serious +consideration." + +Lilly wiped her tears away with the flap of her riding gauntlet and +smiled at him obediently. + +"Fine," he praised her. "'Twas not idle in the poet to write '_O weine +selten, weine schwer. Wer Traenen hat, hat auch Malheur._' I'll tell you +something. We two pretty orphans were exactly meant for each other and +we've been brought together here in this enchanted castle. But we should +have _had_ to meet, no matter where, even if we hadn't been two hearts +that beat as one long before. To be accurate, the colonel married us +right at the beginning, and the only shame is that your marriage +contract with him wasn't drawn up accordingly. But that's not to be +altered, and we shall have to get around the matter in secret ways. See +here, child, we both are headed in the same direction on the sea of +life. We have the same to win and the same to lose. So cheer up! Go it! +We're ragtag and bobtail both of us, at any rate." + +"I'm not ragtag and bobtail!" cried Lilly, flaring up. "I have pride and +a sense of honour, and even if I have sinned a thousandfold, I know how +to die for my sins." + +"It's not so easy to die. Usually the opportunity is lacking, and when +the opportunity once presents itself we show it a clean pair of heels." + +Lilly felt a hot desire to protect him against the self-degradation in +which he indulged. + +"You don't believe what you say," she cried. "You are the boldest, the +most daring of men. I know you are. Without a moment's hesitation you +would face death for the sake of your honour. If you would only summon +all your strength the whole world would lie at your feet. I will always +keep reminding you of that. I will work over you until you get back +belief in yourself, until you feel you are on the upward road. I will +share all your hardships, all your temptations, and I will protect you +from all evil. For what should I be here if not for you?" + +She felt she was so completely his that she could have thrown herself at +his horse's hoofs; and when she recalled the first moments of their +meeting that day she could scarcely realise why he had seemed so +repulsive and alien. + +"You're a touching creature," he replied. "It's really lucky the +creepers on your balcony are so thoroughly knit together." + +She started. + +"What do you mean by that?" she faltered, oppressed by a foreboding of +ill. + +"And lucky the ladder was left there. It can be leaned against the +balcony and the vines can break all they want to, even Miss von +Schwertfeger wouldn't notice anything amiss. Well?" + +He blinked his silvery lids at her enticingly. + +She did not know where to turn to hide her face from his gaze, she felt +so ashamed. + +"I'll never belong to you again," she cried. "I swear I won't by all the +saints! I should be a thing of loathing to myself. As for you, I should +utterly despise you. Pah!" + +He shrugged his shoulders. + +"Pity to lose the opportunity," he observed, and turned the horses' +heads. + + * * * * * + +He appeared at dinner the next day, virtuous in his frock-coat and black +necktie. He strutted and scraped and bowed, pursed his lips in +extravagant respect, and scarcely dared to take the demitasse from her +hand. + +But Miss von Schwertfeger's eyes passed between the two, watching and +questioning. + +Late that Sunday night the following occurred: + +The colonel had gone off to town, Miss von Schwertfeger had retired to +her room, and Lilly sat on the edge of the bed in her nightgown brushing +her hair. + +Suddenly she heard a gentle tapping at the window, as if the autumn wind +were blowing a twig against the closed shutter. But the action of the +wind is irregular, and this sound kept time--now a little louder, now a +little softer--and recurred at even intervals. + +It frightened her, and she wanted to run down to Miss von Schwertfeger; +but she bethought herself in time. She hastily put on her dressing gown, +cautiously raised the window, and opened the shutters the least bit. + +At first she saw nothing. + +There were no stars in the heavens and the whole of the lodge seemed +buried in darkness. Then she thought she saw a staff waving up and down +close to the shutter. + +She opened the shutter an inch wider and recognised--the pea-shooter. + +Now she knew what was up. + +She jumped back and drew the bolt. Then threw herself back in bed, where +she lay holding her fingers in her ears. But when she withdrew them she +again heard that short, regular tapping, which now rose almost to a +knocking. + +The nightwatch, who made the rounds of the court and park once an hour, +need only find the ladder leaning against the balcony and all was lost. + +Her fright deprived her of her senses. + +Trembling in every limb, she ran into her dressing room, where there was +no light, and opened the balcony door about half an inch. Through the +crack she whispered into the darkness: + +"Go away, and never try such a thing again." + +Then she listened with her ear to the opening. + +Nothing to be seen or heard. + +But when she wanted to close the door it would not go shut. She groped +along the crack in search of the obstacle, and came upon a round, +hollow, wooden something, which an invisible hand had shoved there. + +The wretched pea-shooter! + +She moaned and covered her face with her hands, and the next moment was +hanging in his arms in a half swoon. + +After that evening he had her completely in his power--defenceless, +without a will of her own, at the mercy of his wishes and whims. + +It was not happiness. She experienced scarcely a single transport of +feeling. That came later, when she had conquered her horror of the +monstrous deed, and her fear of discovery had weakened. Nothing occurred +to disturb them, and Lilly expanded in a sense of defiant security. + +Then it was a blissful sailing over awful abysms, a delirium of the +senses, a nebulous ecstasy, a delightful writhing under lacerating +blows, an ebb and flow of magnanimous scorn of self and blasphemous +prayers. + +Laughter came again. Not the old simple laughter that had dominated the +play of her spirit until within a short time before. No, this laughter +was sardonic exultation, the exultation of the hounded thief, who +carries his booty off to security, behind the backs of his pursuers. + +Lilly also found reasons for justifying herself. + +"I am merely fulfilling my destiny. I am now getting back the possession +which fate promised to me and which the old man so long kept from me." + +In addition there was a redeeming element in all she did, consecrating +the most arrant deception and endowing it with purity. This was the +consciousness that he was being saved. Under the spell of a lofty love +he would learn to scorn vulgar escapades and, borne on the wings of a +woman's expiating favour, he would rise to the heights on which men and +heroes dwell. + +With these thoughts she drugged her conscience each time; and when he +lay in her arms she gave them whispered expression--the doors were not +heavy and all sounds must be muffled. + +He laughed and kissed the words from her mouth. If she grew uneasy and +demanded pledges, he vowed the stars out of the heaven. + +Miss von Schwertfeger now never stayed in Lilly's room later than +eleven o'clock. This was the hour he might come, and by half past one he +had to be gone. + +Of course he had to confine his visits to the evenings when the colonel +went to town. On account of the time the trains ran, the colonel could +not possibly return before two. Besides the carriage could be heard at +some distance. + +Before Walter left he had to unlock the door to the colonel's room, and +smoke a cigarette to rid the atmosphere of the stable and leather smell +he brought with him from his own room. For it often happened that the +colonel stuck his head in before going to bed; or, if the wine had +loosened his tongue, he would even awaken Lilly, seat himself at her +bedside, laugh, cast about his dagger glances pick his yellow teeth, and +tell the juiciest stories which had arrived fresh from the Berlin +centres of obscenity and made the rounds of his club in town. + +Lilly played the drowsy pussy, and purred and yawned She began to feel +so secure that once she actually fell asleep right in the middle of a +laugh. + +Oh, if only there had been no Miss von Schwertfeger! + +Not that Miss von Schwertfeger had noticed anything. The horrors of such +a possibility were inconceivable. But her restless, hasty comings and +goings, the almost anxious greed with which she pried about, gave +sufficient cause for concern. + +She looked very pale and worn, while the fleshy region about her mouth +and her sharp, scenting nose glowed a still deeper red. + +You might suppose she tippled in secret. But such thing would be bound +to leak out, and at table scarce a drop passed her lips. + +"Let her do whatever she wants to," thought Lilly, "if only she doesn't +come spying on me as she did on Katie." + +And sometimes it occurred to Lilly that she herself was no better than +the poor maid Katie, whom they had chased from the castle. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +It was shortly before midnight one evening late in November. + +Miss von Schwertfeger had said good-night, and _he_ was sitting at +Lilly's pillow wet and frozen through. He had been standing in the +chilly drizzle a long time before the signal agreed upon--two rattles of +the shutter bolt--had summoned him to her room. + +Now, everything was serene. The entire house was asleep; the watchman +had made his rounds, and the ladder, which Von Prell drew up after him +for greater security, reposed peacefully on the balcony. + +The blue-shaded chandelier bathed the warm, perfumed room in the light +of a summer evening. Drops of rain splashed softly against the shutters, +and the November wind whined like a beggar. + +Lilly lay comfortably under her blue silk quilt, holding his hand and +dreaming up into his face, which, even in moments of self-abandon, +retained its expression of abashed roguery. She saw the freckled bridge +of his nose, the white-lashed, blinking eyes, the peaked chin covered +with stubble and almost hidden by the green collar of his working +jacket. He could no longer smarten himself for her sake. His housemates +might notice the change. + +They did not say much to each other. If only he was with her, he who +belonged to her in life and death, who like herself had been cast astray +in this strange world. + +She drew his head down and stroked his forehead smooth from lack of a +man's cares, and wiped away a few drops still clinging to his temples. + +The clock on the wall struck twelve softly, the hanging lamp swung back +and forth, casting long sliding shadows on the ceiling, like the shadow +of a rocking cradle, or like great raven's wings flitting to and fro +inaudibly. + +Suddenly from the court came the rumble of carriage wheels, whether in +arrival or departure they could not determine. Both started up and +listened and looked at the clock. + +Twelve--impossible! The horses were never harnessed before quarter to +two. They would have to wait entirely too long at the station. + +Perhaps it was the milkman who had been delayed at the railroad in +getting his cans. + +They calmed down. + +A long, precious hour was still ahead of them, rich in care-free +pleasures and oblivion. + +To express his triumph Von Prell sucked in his cheeks and rounded his +eyes. + +With a luxurious smile Lilly put out her arms and drew herself up to +him. + +At that instant three short, sharp raps sounded on the door opening into +the corridor, and Miss von Schwertfeger called: + +"Open the door, Lilly! At once!" + +Walter jumped to his feet. + +When Lilly looked around he had already left the room. + +She felt a ringing in her ears, a dull desire to let herself sink down; +but renewed raps at the door tore her out of bed and insisted upon her +turning the key. + +Before she could stow herself under the covers again to conceal her +overwhelming shame, she noticed Miss von Schwertfeger look about the +room hastily, make a dash for something round and grey unostentatiously +lying in a corner--Lilly did not realise it was Walter's cap until +later--shove back the bolt of the door to the colonel's room, and then +in sudden transition to tranquillity seat herself alongside Lilly's +pillow. + +"Be careful not to cry," Lilly heard her say; and that instant the +colonel's step resounded in the corridor. + +"Well, well, so late! How time does fly when you talk!" cried Miss von +Schwertfeger for the benefit of the colonel before he entered. Her voice +expressed endless astonishment. + +There he stood disagreeably surprised, it seemed, not to find his young +wife alone. + +"Where did you drop from all of a sudden, colonel? You didn't order a +special train, did you? You couldn't have flown here either. At least +I've never observed that you possess the art of flying, have you Lilly +dear? Poor Lilly's lying there perfectly stiff with surprise." + +Thus Miss von Schwertfeger talked against time, evidently trying to +secure a few moments for Lilly in which she might pull herself together. + +And the colonel willy-nilly had to render account. On the way to the +station it had occurred to him that one of the neighbours--he mentioned +the name--was celebrating his birthday that day. So he drove over to his +place instead of going to town. + +"Well," said Miss von Schwertfeger, "the greatest marvels have the +simplest explanations. Good-night, dear, I hope you sleep well and get +rid of that headache of yours." + +The colonel pricked up his ears. + +"If she has a headache, why didn't you let her go to sleep long ago?" + +When once aroused, not the least inconsistency escaped his attention. +But Miss von Schwertfeger was his match, and rejoined without an +instant's hesitation: + +"She wanted compresses again, but I thought it better simply to hold my +hand to her forehead. She was just about to go to sleep; and we ought +not to disturb her any more. Don't you agree with me, colonel? +Good-night, colonel." + +With that she extinguished the lights. + +Lilly wanted to cry to her: + +"Stay here, stay here, he'll choke me." + +But Miss von Schwertfeger was already out in the corridor; and she had +done such excellent preliminary work that the colonel after a brief "I +hope you feel better," to Lilly, left the room without further question. + +Had he remained, the game might have ended in a nervous breakdown. + +Lilly lay in bed paralysed by a dull fright, listening now for sounds in +the colonel's room, now to the wailing of the wind, interrupted for +three or four seconds by a very, very soft rustle. + +That was the ladder gliding over the rail as Walter let it down from the +balcony. So long as he had seen the light in Lilly's room, he had wisely +remained on the balcony. She could hear him remove the ladder and set it +where it belonged. Now at length, now that she felt they were both +secure, came a shuddering realisation of what had happened, accompanied +by a desire to call out and cry aloud. + +Anna von Schwertfeger! What had her conduct meant? What had impelled her +to implicate herself in so sinful a deed? Wasn't she risking her name, +her existence, the reward of many years' labour? How had Lilly, wretched +sinner that she was, come to deserve so great a sacrifice? Her heart +expanded in gratitude. She could no longer endure lying in bed. She +would have to go down and thank Anna forthwith. + +She dressed without making a sound, took the precaution to bolt the door +between the two bedrooms, and slipped out into the dark corridor, where +she peeped through the keyhole of the colonel's room, and saw him lying +in bed already. The old oak steps cracked frightfully; but they had that +habit even when no one was walking on them, and often kept up the sound +of a tread all night. + +Light was shining in Miss von Schwertfeger's room. Lilly heard her +sharp, hard steps as she paced to and fro. + +Finally she ventured to knock. + +"Who's there?" + +"I, Anna. I--Lilly." + +"What do you want? Go back to bed." + +"No, no, no. I must speak to you. I must." + +The door opened. + +"Well, then, come in." + +Lilly wanted to throw her arms about Miss von Schwertfeger's neck, but +she shook her off. + +"I'm not in the mood for scenes," she said. Her trumpet-toned voice, +which she muffled with difficulty, had lost all traces of sympathy. "And +you needn't thank me, because I did not act from love of you." + +Lilly seemed very small to herself and very much scolded. Since the days +of her thrashings at the hands of Mrs. Asmussen no one had ever given +her such a reception. + +"First you help me," she faltered, "and then--" + +"Since you are here, you might as well answer some questions I have to +ask," said Miss von Schwertfeger. "Close your dress--it's cold here--and +sit down." Lilly obeyed. "In the first place: did I in any way ever help +to bring about a meeting between you and that man?" + +"When could you have?" + +"That's what I am asking." + +"On the contrary. You weren't even willing for me to take the riding +lessons." + +"Then, later, did I ever leave you without supervision while you were +taking your lessons?" + +"Without supervision? Why, almost always you yourself were present." + +"Was it I who proposed your going out riding alone with him?" + +"You? Of course not. The first time we went without asking, and after +that it was the colonel who wanted us to." + +"Was I careful to see that everything in your room was in order?" + +"I don't know. I think so. Why, even lately I've noticed you come to my +room before you went to bed as if to say good-night." + +"You've probably taken me to be your enemy, your spy." + +"You wouldn't put yourself out for me very much, I thought." + +Miss von Schwertfeger laughed a hard, dreary laugh. + +"What you say is very valuable," she said. "It proves to me that I made +no blunders in carrying out my plan, and need not reproach myself for +anything." + +"What plan?" asked Lilly, utterly bewildered. + +Miss von Schwertfeger measured her with a glance of pitying scorn. + +"My dear child, I knew everything. I saw it coming from the very first, +the moment you met him. I calculated it on my fingers the way I +calculate the cost of a meal. I simply let matters drift. I could do so +without dishonouring myself. Besides there was no use interfering. You +were bent upon your own ruin." + +"What have I done to you," Lilly stammered, swallowing her tears, "to +make you hate me so? I never wanted to oust you from your position. I +subjected myself to you from the very first. I put myself completely +into your hands, and now you do this to me." + +"If I hated you, you wouldn't be sitting here. You would probably be +straying along some country road. I had you in my grasp and could have +crushed you at least a dozen times, but didn't. However, I'll tell you +the truth. I _did_ hate you, that is, before I knew you. I imagined you +a sly, fresh little thing, who held off from the colonel in a pure +spirit of calculation, until he adopted the extreme measure to which old +libertines resort in such cases. But when I saw you, you dear child, +without malice or guile, defenceless, and with the best intentions in +the world to love the colonel and me, too, if possible, I had to back +down--I and my hate. Then you became nothing else to me than a small, +insignificant creature, which one uses so long as it is serviceable, and +shoves aside after it has fulfilled its purpose. I am not concerned with +you any more. You dropped out of the game long ago, and now the colonel +and myself are playing it alone. I'll have to have it out with him, and +then my work's done." + +Lilly felt nothing but dull, impotent astonishment, as if doors were +being opened and curtains drawn aside, and she were looking into men's +hearts as into a fiery abyss. + +"I thought you were so attached to him," she said. "I thought--" + +Suddenly it occurred to her that her first suspicion had not been far +from the truth. This hardened, commanding spinster, whose beauty was not +yet entirely faded, had found favour in the eyes of her employer some +ten or fifteen years before, had then been neglected, and was now +taking revenge. + +Miss von Schwertfeger divined her thoughts, and dismissed them with a +shrug of her shoulders. + +"Had it been that," she said, "I should have known how to acquiesce in +my fate. And if I had still retained my place in the castle, I should +have cherished it as my sanctuary. No, my dear, matters in this world +are not so simple. There are even worse hells." + +Lilly now heard a story which filled her soul with horror and pity--the +story of the house she lived in, the story of which she was the +concluding chapter. + +The colonel, who had always been a man of violence and a mad voluptuary, +had insisted upon taking in pupils in housekeeping under the pretext +that when he came home on leave, he had to have youth and jollity about +him. He reserved for himself the choice of the pupils. In this way only +those came whom he had decided upon in advance. For a long time Miss von +Schwertfeger noticed nothing amiss. But the servants began to tell her +stories of secret orgies and mad chases on the upper floor, of how the +colonel pursued girls clad in glittering raiment--the colonel had always +liked transparent robes of silver. Miss von Schwertfeger's eyes were +completely opened when some of the girls attempted suicide. She left. +But she was poor and accustomed to command, and she could not endure +subordinate positions. Dreadful distress was the result. The colonel had +not lost her from sight; and when it seemed to him she had sunk low +enough, he again offered her the position of housekeeper in his castle, +promising she would have nothing to complain of. She crawled back to him +like a starved dog. Soon he broke his word, and the indecent goings-on +began again. But she no longer had the courage to resist. She learned to +be blind and deaf when lewd glances were exchanged at table and screams +and laughter penetrated to her room during the night. She even learned +to keep curious servants at a distance, and throw a cover of concealment +over the house's shame. Her relation to the girls became motherly. + +"I shouldn't be surprised," she interposed, "if he hadn't made the same +proposition to you, saying I would take care of you." + +The fateful evening in which she had become the colonel's betrothed +arose in Lilly's memory. While walking about her greedily, still in a +state of indecision, he had spoken of a fine, aristocratic woman under +whose protection she should live in his castle until she had grown into +womanhood. + +Miss von Schwertfeger went on with her recital. She described how rage +at the disgraceful position she was in ate into her soul like a +malignant cancer, how it finally took sole possession of her being to +the exclusion of every feeling except the desire for reprisal. His +marriage should furnish the weapons. She would be blind and deaf, just +as she had been compelled to be before. Nothing else. She would simply +let matters take their natural course. + +Thus she had acted until that night. + +And that night the sword must surely have fallen on Lilly and the +colonel; but at the last decisive moment she realised her strength would +not hold out. That young, good-natured, guiltless yet guilty wife, had +become too dear to her. She could not sacrifice Lilly to her scheme of +revenge. + +"I thought you said you hadn't acted out of love for me," Lilly ventured +to interject. + +Miss von Schwertfeger fixed her eyes on Lilly's face in an aggrieved +stare. + +"My dear child, if you weren't a stupid thing, who has to sin in order +to mature, you would have a better understanding of what goes on inside +a person like myself. For the present be satisfied that you are out of +danger." + +In a gush of gratitude Lilly threw herself on Miss von Schwertfeger, and +kissed her face and hands; and Miss von Schwertfeger no longer repulsed +her. She stroked her hair, and spoke to her as to a child. + +Kneeling at her feet Lilly confessed. She told how her relations with +Walter had developed insensibly, how they had been old friends, and how +he had really been the author of her happiness. + +"Happiness?" Miss von Schwertfeger drawled, and drew in the air through +the right corner of her mouth, causing a sound like a whistle. + +Lilly started, looked at her, and understood. + +The question burned in her brain: "Am I better than I should have been +had I allowed the colonel to drag me here without marrying me?" + +Eleven months had passed since that night when he courted her. + +She put her arms about Miss von Schwertfeger, and cried, cried, cried. +It was so good to know there was a sisterly, no, a motherly, person in +whose dress she could bury her tearful face. She had not experienced +such easement since the day a certain knife had been waved over her +head. + +The affair with Von Prell, of course, could not go on. He and Lilly must +not meet even once again. Miss von Schwertfeger demanded it, and Lilly +acquiesced without a word of protest. + +If only she had not had her mission! + +"What mission?" asked Miss von Schwertfeger. + +Lilly told of the holy task she had to perform in his life; how her love +had awakened him to the realisation of a loftier, purer life; how she +had to answer with every drop of blood in her body for his rising to +better things and entering upon a noble, beneficent field of activity. + +It was Miss von Schwertfeger's turn to be astonished. She listened, and +looked at Lilly with great, doubting eyes, then got up, and paced the +room agitatedly, muttering: + +"Incredible! Incredible!" + +When Lilly asked her what was incredible, she kissed her on her +forehead, and said: + +"You poor thing!" + +"Why?" + +"Because you will suffer much in life." + +Thereupon it was agreed that Miss von Schwertfeger should speak with him +once again, and the price of her silence was to be the breaking off of +all relations between him and Lilly. They must not take their rides +together, either. + +Lilly begged for only one thing, to be allowed to write him a farewell +letter. She thought she owed this to him so that he should not harbour +doubts of her and his future. + +Then the two women parted. + +Released, redeemed, born into a new life, Lilly walked upstairs, +forgetting every precaution. But, thank goodness! the colonel was +snoring. + +The clock struck four, and the shuffling of the stablemen already +resounded in the courtyard. + +Before Lilly threw herself in bed, she cast a look of farewell at the +lodge, and rejoiced that renunciation was so easy. She had not thought +it possible. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + + "Dear Beloved Mr. von Prell:-- + + From what has happened you can imagine that everything between + us must come to an end. Yes, all's over. We shall never see + each other except at meal times. If you ask me whether I am + very sad, I will be brave and say, "no," hoping thereby to + assuage the pain of parting for both of us. + + But easy or difficult--that's not the question. The main thing + is, our feelings should raise us to pure heights. True + greatness of renunciation must illumine our lives. Yes, I + expect you to show the greatness of renunciation. Our lives + after this must be dedicated entirely to recollections of the + past. Besides, can we hope ever again to find anything so + beautiful as those unspeakably exquisite hours we passed + together? I have given up thoughts of happiness, and you must + do the same. From now on my one sacred interest will be my + husband's welfare; and I ask you, with all the strength you + possess, likewise to labour at the reconstruction of your life. + + Life is earnest, solemn, holy. I feel it is. The conviction + comes upon me with force, and has possessed me ever since I was + led back to the right path by a friend of mine. You must feel + it, too. + + This letter is my last to you. Write to me once again. Oh, only + once. And stick the answer in the pea-shooter, which still + stands on the balcony. I shall have no peace until I know our + souls are united by the same ideal. Farewell, and at table + don't make any secret allusions to the past. You would merely + hurt me and make me doubt your good faith. + + Ever with feelings of sisterly friendship, + + Your L. v. M." + + * * * * * + + "Dearest Friend:-- + + The profound emotions which have held me in their grip since my + interview with our honoured friend, have, if possible, been + deepened by your lovely letter. I feel a tremendous impulse to + accomplish by deeds of atonement that which has never yet been. + I am prepared to scorn the seven deadly sins. I will carry in + mind all the paragons of virtue from the young Tobias to St. + Helena, and will try to find that pure happiness in the great + renunciation you demand of me, which alone, they say, is + unalloyed with regret--an advantage which bears little weight + with me, since I am acquainted with that evil institution only + by hearsay. + + Well, then, dearest, most charming of women, farewell. It was + _very_ delightful. I can swear to that without perjuring + myself. Should you require pledges for the future, I can + further swear that: 1, I will shun alcohol; 2, I will declare + war upon the female sex; 3, I will devote myself to the + encyclopedia of agriculture with inordinate, unalterable love. + Ha, do you smell the rarified atmosphere? + + Once more, farewell. After I have climbed the ladder of my + hopes for the last time, I will lay it to repose under a wintry + grave of pine branches. When the time comes, may it awaken to a + new spring. + + With a kiss on your slim, refreshingly large hand, + + Your much improved, + Walter von Prell." + +Lilly found this letter the second morning after the great event in the +shape of a pellet stuck into the mouth of the pea-shooter, which leaned +innocently against the jamb of the balcony door. + +It did not provide her with unqualified satisfaction. There were turns +of expression in it which raised doubts as to the sincerity of his +conversion. Nevertheless, his asseverations were so plain and +unmistakable she felt she might take the core to be sound. It was simply +that he could not refrain from his wanton way of speaking, which the +person who loved him would have to acquiesce in. + +She kissed the letter and stuck it in her bosom, to lie there warm and +secure awhile before she tore it up. + +In the afternoon she took a walk about the grounds, and actually found +under her balcony a long heap of pine branches from between which a few +ladder rungs peeped at her familiarly. + +Rejoiced at this token of his pain she ran off to the park, now soggy +from the autumn rains, and sauntered about, marvelling from time to time +that renunciation was so easy. + +After all it was not so easy. + +She discovered it was not in the course of the next few days, when life +began to lose its content and intensity, when the hours jogged along in +dreary autumnal greyness, and the evening came and the morning came +without a reason why. + +Moreover, she failed to find that support in Anna von Schwertfeger which +she had expected to. Although her friend withdrew none of the promises +she had made, yet a shadowy wall circumscribed her, which no insinuating +love could penetrate. She seemed almost to fear that too great +familiarity with Lilly would bring down upon her own head the sin of the +adulteress. + +Lilly had much to suffer from the colonel these days. She, like the +rest, now fell a victim to his attacks of fury. And what was worse, in +moments of quiet self-abandon, she would suddenly feel his dark, +lowering look fastened upon her, betokening many a thought in his mind +which boded her no good. + +She began to fear he had gotten wind of her affair with Von Prell; but +Anna pooh-poohed the idea. + +"The symptoms would be rather different," she remarked. "Such a +suspicion would not pass without leaving a few broken chairs or lamps +behind. My opinion is, he feels bored at home. He's hankering for the +regiment, and holds you responsible for the change in his life. I +sincerely hope he doesn't come to hate you on that account. In that +event only two courses would be open to you: separation or suicide." + +Here was small comfort. And no less dispiriting was his hesitation to +introduce her to the neighbours. Long before, Miss von Schwertfeger had +declared Lilly's education complete. No colonel's wife or high-born dame +could now find fault with her manners. But the colonel looked at her +distrustfully, and deferred the visits from week to week. + +Lilly kept up bravely in all her tribulations. Faith in herself and, +still more, faith in him, gave her peace and strength. + +She regulated her days strictly according to rule with a fixed +occupation for each hour. She learned Goethe's poems by heart, studied +Shakespeare in English, read histories of art, and lost herself in the +mazes of the French Revolution. + +She took special delight in a large geographical work, in which there +were many pictures of southern ports, tropical forests, and bald, rocky +mountain ranges. + +There were also full illustrations of Italy--pious pilgrims on crusades, +enigmatic churches, and slender-columned porticos, which filled her with +an ardent longing to be there. + +When she travelled great distances into strange countries and looked +about timidly to find her way back again, whom did she see standing +there all of a sudden, blond, freckled, in a black and white checked +fall suit, making deep reverences? "As my lady commands." + +The tears welled up in her eyes. + +Her one diversion was to stand behind her balcony door--without his +knowing she was there, of course--and look over to the lodge through the +openings in the vine, the last leaves of which fluttered like little red +flags. + +Oh, she might be proud of him. When he sat at the window in his leisure +hours he never let himself be seen without the encyclopedia of +agriculture in his hands. + +He closed his shutters early every evening. In his frivolous days he had +hung heavy portieres at the windows, which, with the help of the +shutters, prevented the tiniest ray of light from penetrating to the +outside. + +Lilly doubted not in the least that his student's lamp burned until late +at night, while he sat there over his book copying valuable extracts and +soaring on the pinions of great creative ideas. + +She soared with him. She knew he could not lose his footing now. She had +his vow, and he held her honour in his keeping. That would serve as a +talisman, a guide on the road leading upward to a new life. + +A few weeks passed. + +He begged to be excused from coming to Sunday dinners; for which she was +grateful to him. Fortune had favoured her still further by having +bestowed a cold upon her that fateful night, as a result of which the +physician forbade horseback riding throughout the winter. In this Miss +von Schwertfeger probably had a hand. + + * * * * * + +Once on a day early in December, the colonel, as if to spite his +customary surliness, appeared at dinner in high feather. He chuckled to +himself, his eyes danced and looked cunning, secret laughter, as it +were, ran down his cheeks in rivulets. + +Lilly ventured to ask what was amusing him. + +At first he refused to speak. + +"Oh, stuff and nonsense, mind your own affairs." But he could not +contain himself, and finally began: "Well, guess what happened to me. +One of the men at the club said to me I'd better look sharp to my Prell, +because stories were afloat that he kept knocking about in vile joints +night after night and had even gotten mixed up in a nasty brawl on +account of a hussy of a barmaid." + +Lilly felt an icy numbness creep slowly upward from her feet. Her limbs +grew rigid. She smiled, and the smile cut into her cheeks like a +sharp-edged stone. + +"At first, of course, I merely laughed at him, because, you know, +there's only the one train to take going and coming, and lately _I've_ +been on that train nearly every day. No horse can stand twenty miles +each way night after night, and the pocket money I give him won't hire a +special train. That's what I said to the major; but he insisted. The +younger gentlemen had told him; and it would be a pity if after all Von +Prell had to be deprived of his uniform. When I got to the station at +one o'clock, the business was still buzzing about in my head. I had a +few moments' time, so I looked through the whole train--fourth class and +all. Of course, not a sign. I did the same thing three times in +succession. Well, I thought, it's a lie. And now listen. Yesterday, when +I was just about to get into the train at this end, I remembered I had +left my umbrella in the carriage. I can't get used to that piece of +furniture. So I went back. The platform was already empty, but the train +was still standing there; and when I passed the baggage car--sliding +doors open--I saw someone on the opposite side jump out to the tracks +and scamper off. 'Stop!' I called. But he ran and ran, into the woods. I +was going to tell the baggage master, who was on the platform next to +the locomotive, but Prell flashed into my mind. I said to Henry: 'Drive +as if the devil were after you,' and we reached here in five minutes. +But then, I reflected, he must have heard the carriage wheels from the +path. So I went up to my room to hurry and turn on the lights. I wanted +him to think I was in my room already. Did I wake you up, Lilly?" The +colonel started. "How you look, Lilly!" + +"I?" she said, and smiled again. + +"She hasn't been feeling very well all day," Miss von Schwertfeger +interjected hastily. "Besides, your story's very exciting, colonel. I'm +all keyed up, too." + +"Hm," he muttered, twisting the end of his black dyed moustache, +evidently little desirous of concluding his tale. But Lilly could not +calm herself. + +"I must know, I must know," she cried, clasping her hands. She was +beside herself. + +"Well, then," said the colonel, fixing his eyes on her, "down I go again +in a jiffy--in ambush in front of the lodge--there he comes, stooping +like a polecat--stands still--eyes my window--sees the light--aha, he +thinks, all right. And just as he's about to stick the key in the lock, +I tackle him by the collar." + +Lilly burst out into a mad laugh. + +"Isn't that funny, isn't that funny!" she cried. This time the colonel +believed her. + +"Something funnier's coming," he continued. "'If you confess +everything,' I said, 'I'll pardon you. But only on that condition. +Otherwise you're off to-morrow bright and early.' Well, what do you +think the rascal was up to? The good-for-nothing has a lady +love--barmaid in the Golden Apple--where the sergeants and clerks +resort. So, for the sake of bumming with her, he bribed a railroad +official and actually went to town and came back as a piece of the +king's baggage. Night after night rode in the same train as I did--each +way. If _that_ isn't rank impudence, what--Lilly!" + +A pause ensued. Lilly experienced a sensation of swaying and reeling as +if tossed on stormy seas, a buzzing and singing; at the same time she +felt Miss von Schwertfeger press her hand under the table by way of +warning. + +The colonel rose, took Lilly's head between his hands, and pressing it +until she thought her ears would split, said: + +"It seems you _do_ need rest." + +With that he faced about, and left the room abruptly. + +"Now gather your wits together," Lilly heard her friend's disturbed +voice behind her, "because after this he'll be on the look-out." + +Lilly wanted to throw herself on Miss von Schwertfeger's breast and be +petted and comforted. But Miss von Schwertfeger, as if afraid somebody +might catch her in too intimate a conversation with Lilly, held herself +aloof, and said coolly, though in a friendly tone: + +"Excuse me, dear, I have something I must attend to this minute." + +With that, she, too, left the room. + +What now? + +Lilly stared into space. The remnants of the precipitate meal littered +the table; the dark carved furniture cast black-edged rays from out of +the room's wintry twilight; the brass chandeliers gleamed palely. All +was as usual, and yet nothing was there, nothing but an awful, +all-devouring void, an abyss which drew her into its bosom with the +enticements of grappling hooks and huge tongs. + +She stepped to the window and looked out apathetically. + +The bare branches swayed in the wind, the ivy on the railing fluttered, +even the arched stalks of the rose bushes, the heads of which the +gardener had secured under heaps of earth, trembled and quivered this +way and that. The world was writhing in the clutch of winter. The only +still things were the leaves lying on the thin coating of snow which +covered the ground; but the leaves were dead already. + +What now? + +If _that_ could happen, then the very earth beneath her feet gave way; +then there was no hope, no rising to loftier heights, no strength, and +no fidelity; then you might as well throw yourself down beside the +leaves out there and die. + +But before that--what? + +Dishes rattled behind her. No one had rung for the maid, but she had +come of her own accord and was helping Ferdinand clear the table. + +Lilly thought of Katie and that other creature in whose arms he had made +mock of her and her faith in him. + +She dragged her torpid legs up the steps to the rooms where she felt at +home. In passing the colonel's door, she caught the sound of his tread +as he fairly ran to and fro. + +She experienced not the faintest fear of him. + +"Let him run, if he wants to," she thought. + +When in her own room, she heard him give orders to have the carriage +brought around immediately. + +"For all I care, he may stay here." + +She stepped out on the balcony. + +The iciness benumbing her neck crept into her arms and spread down to +her very finger tips. + +There sat Walter, as always in his free time after dinner, completely +absorbed in the great encyclopedia of agriculture, so full of zeal for +study that every now and then he would pass his hand through his hair in +a preoccupied way and without looking up--he hadn't so much time to +spare, Heavens! no!--he would flick the ashes from his cigarette into a +flower pot. + +In the face of this infamous game, which he played for the sole purpose +of deceiving her, Lilly was seized by a wild, infuriated desire to +denounce him, which completely robbed her of her senses. A stinging and +pricking lifted her paralysed arms. The iciness gave way to a painful +fever, which throbbed in her temples, and hung a red curtain before her +eyes. + +She saw nothing, heard nothing. + +She rushed down the staircase, tore open the garden door, leapt down the +stone steps, and ran at full speed straight across the lawn to the +lodge. + +Whether someone spied her or not she did not care. + +The door to his room banged against the wall. + +She had not stopped to knock. + +A rank, pungent smell, as in a menagerie, assailed her nostrils. + +There he was, sitting at the window. He jumped to his feet. The grey +daylight glided over his head. + +"He's had his hair cut brush fashion again," thought Lilly. "The +dissolute life he's living demands it; the elegance of the dives demands +it." + +"Good Lord!" he said, crumbling his burning cigarette between his +fingers, "a pretty howdy-do!" + +"Why--? Why did you--?" she screamed at him. "You're a blackguard! Your +word's not to be trusted! You're a liar!" + +"Confound it!" he said, and looked about helplessly. "_How_ will my lady +get out of this mess?" + +"You broke your promise--the most sacred bond uniting us. +You--you--threw it away on a barmaid--a barmaid, a creature who would +hang herself on anybody's neck for a couple of pennies. You're a vulgar +profligate! You're not worth a woman's having tried to save you--you +don't _want_ to be saved--you _want_ to go to the bad--" + +"All very good and fine," he said, "and probably very saddening and +incontrovertible truths; but will my lady please explain how she expects +to get out of here?" + +"I don't know anything I am more indifferent about," she cried. "I came +for you to give me an account of yourself. I am asking you to answer +me--immediately--here--now--on the spot." + +"Certainly, my lady, I will without fail. But first--damn it! hell! Get +away from the window!" + +He cast a sharp, all-embracing glance at the castle. Nothing suspicious +to be detected at that moment, at least. + +Alarmed by his snarling at her in that way, Lilly fled into the interior +of the room, which was low, dark, and ill furnished. Here the vile +animal smell was still stronger. From where it came was made clear to +her the next instant. As she approached the rear wall, something +suddenly snapped at her foot, and two little circular torches gleamed up +at her wickedly. + +"Down, Tommy!" called Von Prell, while Lilly recoiled with an +exclamation of fright. + +So that was Tommy, the other member of the triple alliance. + +Lilly leaned against the arm of the old spindle-legged sofa. Its worn +springs squeaked under her pressure and pricked her thumbs, and the +thought flashed into her mind: + +"What am I doing here? What is it all to me?" + +Von Prell the while stepped from door to door listening. + +"If that old Leichtweg had happened to be in the next room," he said, +"we should be dying a dog's death. But if you go this instant, the front +way, into the courtyard, they might suppose you had come to ask +something, and perhaps we can patch it up still." + +All Lilly perceived in his words was a sly attempt at evasion, and a +fresh flood of indignation overwhelmed her. + +"First justify yourself," she cried. "Until you do, I won't go this way, +or that way, or the other way." + +To enforce her resolve she dropped down on the screeching sofa, which +was covered with a dirty grey horseblanket folded into several +thicknesses for protection against the sharp points of the springs. + +He was compelled to yield. + +"Very well, then, look here--a fellow's a human being, isn't he? And if +he's given the go-by in that common way--" + +"Common way?" faltered Lilly. "What was common in my letter? Didn't I +tear my heart out and throw it at your feet, and didn't Miss von +Schwertfeger--?" + +She could not continue. Wrath and despair choked her utterance. + +In the meantime Von Prell, who at first had been at a complete loss, +arrived at the proper policy to adopt. + +"Yes, that's just it," he said, growing more aggrieved with each word. +"Is a love like ours to be concluded with a lukewarm homily? And that +Schwertfeger--did I deserve being dismissed by you like an asthmatic old +dog through the intermediation of a third person, a horrid, disgusting +creature? Isn't it enough to make a man desperate after all he's done +for you?" + +"What--did you--do for me?" queried Lilly. + +"Well--wasn't I a self-sacrificing comrade the whole time? Wasn't I +disloyal even to my old colonel for your sake, that fine old gentleman, +who saved my life, you might say? You see, all that's no small matter. +Do you suppose it didn't cut me to the quick? Do you suppose I didn't +get the blues? And then to be fooling round here alone night after night +with that dung-beetle, that Tommy--the beast smells, I tell you. So why +not try to dull one's feelings? Shouldn't I--how shall I say?--deaden +the anguish of lost love? Not even deaden it? It's a perfect mystery to +me how you can demand such a thing of me. We speak different languages, +my dear child--there's a yawning chasm dividing our natures--and you're +even willing to risk our two lives for such mummery. As a rule, I'm +_not_ an old aunt, but indeed, if only I had you out of this place." + +Throughout this long speech he had walked about Lilly in a semicircle, +with one hand thrust in the belt of his Norfolk jacket, making short, +jerky steps, which forcefully expressed his righteous indignation. + +Lilly sat on the sofa stiffly upright, mechanically turning her head +after him now to the right, now to the left, and staring at him with +great, uncomprehending eyes. + +When he stopped speaking, he drew a cigarette from the case and +energetically beat off the superfluous tobacco with the index finger of +his left hand. + +Lilly rose in all her height, leaving the sofa and the table next to the +sofa far below her. + +"Listen, Walter," she said, "from this moment everything between us is +at an end." + +"Why, wasn't it long ago?" + +"I mean--inwardly, too." + +"Oh, inwardly, too!" He made a little grimace. "With you that probably +means if you have something in your stomach." + +When Lilly saw her love so ridiculed and mutilated, she could no longer +restrain herself. With an outcry she ran from the sofa, and hid her +face--anywhere at all--on the wall next to the window. + +"Get away from the window!" she heard him hiss. + +Oh, what did she care! + +In the extremity of his fright he took to pleading. + +"Just come away from the window," he said. "It was all mere twaddle. I +simply wanted to make you laugh again, nothing more. Please come away +from the window." + +She did not budge. + +To crawl off somewhere! To crawl away and hide herself and all her +shame. + +She felt his hands seize her rudely. + +That, too! To suffer violence, too! + +She flung him off, wrestled with him, clawed at his neck-- + +And suddenly-- + +A whistling, a clash and clatter--shivers of glass flew over their +heads, and a long, dark something, like the shaft of a lance, sped past +them, knocked against something, rebounded, and fell at their feet. + +The same instant Lilly felt a rush of cold air on her forehead, which +aroused her from the stupefaction of surprise. + +One of the two upper window panes had been broken. + +No living creature was to be seen. But the balcony door yonder, which +had been closed a moment before, now showed a dark opening, and was +swinging shut. + +"A narrow escape," murmured Walter, and stooped to pick up the +mysterious thing from the floor, while the fragments of glass gritted +beneath his feet. + +"The pea-shooter," Lilly faltered. + +"A mercy he didn't happen to have his fowling-piece at hand," said +Walter, "else we'd be riddled into sieves." + +With the back of his hand he wiped away the sweat of fright standing on +his forehead in bright beads. + +None the less he was a brave little chap, and knew on the instant what +to do. + +He sprang to the wardrobe under which Tommy had burrowed, fetched out +his army revolver, and tested all its parts. Then he said: + +"Now, please go into Leichtweg's room, and lock yourself in. The +colonel's simply gone to load his gun. Then he'll be here." + +But Lilly refused. Her wrath against him had completely evaporated. + +"Let me stay with you, let me stay with you!" she begged, clasping his +shoulders. + +"Impossible, child," he replied, with the old masterful lift to his +brows. "What's coming is men's business." + +"Then I'll stand out in the hall, and receive him at your door." + +He bit his lips. + +"Well," he said, "if you take it that way, I can't help myself. Sit +down, please." + +He removed the key from the outside of the door, stuck it in the lock on +the inside and cautiously turned it several times. + +"Between loading and shooting," he said then, "there's a great big +difference--but the devil knows." + +He took out his watch, and listened intently for sounds from the +outside, while he counted, "a half--one--one and a half--two. Probably +can't find his cartridges." Then commandingly: "Do sit down. You'll need +your legs to-day." + +Lilly sank in one corner of the sofa, and he seated himself in the +other, placing the watch between them on the bumpy seat. Both counted +now with their eyes fastened on the second hand. "Two and a +half--three--three and a half--four--four and a half--five minutes." + +Not a sound, save the wind howling in the bare branches. + +Then it seemed to them they heard the trot of horses starting in the +courtyard and dying away on the other side of the gates. + +"Whom's he gone to fetch?" asked Walter. "We're not ready for seconds +yet." + +Red suns danced before Lilly's eyes. The ceiling began to rise and sink. + +Walter kept on counting. + +"Seven--eight--eight and a half." + +Nothing. + +"Nine--nine and a half--ten--" Suddenly he emitted a faint whistle, and +grasped his revolver. + +The front door grated on its hinges, steps resounded, but not the +threatening, thundering steps of a vengeful husband. They were soft, +hesitating, dragging steps. + +Then for a while nothing again--no sound, except the breathing of two +persons--and someone else--on the other side of the door, it seemed. + +"Who's there?" called Walter. + +Now came a knock. + +Soft, broken, as if of trembling, failing fingers. + +"Who's there, in the devil's name?" he called again. + +"Anna von Schwertfeger." + +He jumped up and opened the door. + +There she stood, ashen-hued, red about the mouth, her lids quivering. + +"The colonel has just driven off to Baron von Platow. He will return in +three hours. He charged me to tell you, Lilly, that when he comes back +he doesn't want to find you on his premises." + +"And what did he charge you to tell me?" sneered Walter von Prell. + +Miss von Schwertfeger, without regarding him, took Lilly's hand. + +"Come. You haven't much time. We must pack." + +"But--but where am I to go?" she asked, helplessly, suffering herself to +be drawn to her feet. + + * * * * * + +When she got to the door of the lodge, she saw the carriage that was to +convey her from the castle already rolling up the driveway. + + + + +PART II + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +She was Lilly Czepanek again. + +In the divorce proceedings there had been no attempt at dissimulation or +concealment, and the case moved along rapidly. Lilly alone was found +guilty, and, upon the colonel's deposition, was deprived of the right to +use her married name. + +"There is nothing to be saved from the ruins," wrote Mr. Pieper, "except +the jewels which I hope you diligently accumulated by following my +advice and standing in front of fine shop-windows. The pearl necklace +your ex-husband put about your neck on your wedding day--owing in part, +I may now say, to my suggestion--which I will try to get back for you, +is in itself sufficient to keep your head above water several years." + +The result of this letter was that Lilly took the pearl necklace, which +after her flight she had found in one of her trunks among the laces and +evening gowns, carried it to a jeweller, had him pack it up, and +addressed it to Miss von Schwertfeger. + +She felt justified in considering the less valuable trinkets to be her +personal property. She had already disposed of a considerable number of +them, and what was left would scarcely suffice for more than half a +year. Then poverty. + +But her material condition gave her little concern. + +Her regret for what she had lost was too profound, her consciousness of +the shame she had undergone too lively, but that her future should not +have been hidden from her perceptions behind a veil of tears. + +Yes, tears, tears--oh, she learned to shed tears. + +She learned to swallow tears like salt sea water; she sucked them into +her mouth with her lower lip thrust out, she shook them from her cheeks +like drops of rain. And they kept welling up again, finally without +cause, even after the pain had subsided--awake or asleep, they just +came. + +She had gone away that grey, windy December day just before nightfall in +a trembling state of stupefaction without complaint, without attempts at +self-justification. + +Gone away blindly--anywhere--simply gone away--in all haste. + +She landed in Berlin, the haven of all the wrecked. + +In that world where oblivion spreads its blessing hands alike over the +righteous and unrighteous, where enticing possibilities flash and +sparkle, illuminating the dark days of inertness and prostration, where +regret over a lost past by and by becomes tense, desirous expectation of +happiness, and where the god Chance reigns supreme--in that world of the +unknown and forsaken, in which none but those who are both old and poor +sink into nothingness, hopeless outlaws--into that world Lilly crept. + +Many a dreary month she knocked about in lodging houses where divorcees +with lost reputations huddle together, reminding one of little heaps of +decaying apples; where the tone is given by Chilian attaches and agents +of mysterious trades from Bucharest and Alexandria. In a friendly way +she avoided the confidences of companions in misery, who lavished words +of comfort, and with mute disregard repelled the advances--physical +advances as well--of her enterprising, olive-complexioned neighbours. + +After a while she began to look about for a position--something unique, +something between a lady in waiting and a chaperon, which would not be +incongruous with her former station and the quiet dignity of her +bearing. + +But positions of that sort seemed remarkably scarce. + +And all she reaped of her endeavours were the tender attentions of a few +old gentlemen who came to see her in the evening, and could not find +their way out again until the door was held wide open for them. + +Discouraged, she gave up going to employment bureaus and the useless +ringing of front door bells. But her expectations had not yet sunk to +the level of those of a shop-girl or model in a dressmaking +establishment. And they never would sink so low, because "general's +wife," as she was branded, no matter where she went, was written all +over her. + +In that seething sea of humanity she tossed about without so much as a +straw to clutch at; except, indeed, Walter's letter, which Miss von +Schwertfeger forwarded to her two months after her expulsion. The poor +boy was now completely ruined. Nevertheless, his letter gave proof of a +modest attempt to offer her some support. + + "Dearest Friend:-- + + I'm done for. I've been shot. A mere trifle when it happens to + others; but when it happens to oneself, the consequence is, it + considerably lessens one's hopes of entering upon a glorious + career as head waiter on the other side of the Atlantic. + + Nevertheless I thank fate for having been gracious enough to + lead across my path so good, so touching a lamb, one so filled + with the desire to redeem, as my baronissima. + + You will readily understand, O dearest, supergracious woman, + that I in turn also feel a slight obligation to play the + redeemer, if only to preserve our souls for each other. + + But "the how" presents some difficulties, to be sure. If I were + to recommend you to the care of my former friends, your future + would be settled. For in blissful hours leaves and virtues + still fall. + + Therefore I descend a step to those regions in which a sturdy + Philistinism creeps on its belly before our coronets, even when + those coronets lie shattered on the ground. + + In Alte Jakobstrasse in Berlin there dwells a respectable + manufacturer of bronze ware, a comrade of the reserves, etc., + by name Richard Dehnicke, who feels he is indebted to me + because I pumped him for coin. + + I am writing to him by this mail. Step boldly in among his + lamps and vases. The former, I hope, will brighten your nights, + the latter, daintily line your way in life, and he will not ask + the price which it is the custom in our country to demand of + beautiful women. Some queer fish there have to be in the world. + + My address will be + + Walter von Prell, + Street-lounger & Candidate for Fortune, + Chicago, First Stockyard to the Left. + + P. S.--Tommy sends his regards. Before going I planted a ball + in his forehead." + +This letter, the last and only greeting from her friend, left Lilly +untouched. Soon after, Miss von Schwertfeger wrote, he set sail for the +United States with a crippled arm. Their love had deserved an honourable +burial, even if its rapture had not been genuine, even if its lofty +purpose had set in dirt and disgrace. + +"If only to preserve our souls for each other," he had written, the dear +little fellow. + +The letter, however, offered a certain guarantee that in her hour of +need, a helping hand would be stretched out to steady her. But the +measure he recommended, she never, never thought of adopting. What she +feared above all was that something which emanated from the eyes of men +fixed upon her face in desire, that something which issued from men's +lips persuasively, masterfully. + +She wanted to keep her fate in her own hands and go her own way. + +What that way was to be, she had not yet determined. + +So irresolute had sorrow and anxiety made her that nothing but a faint +breeze would have been required to head her life in a certain direction. + +But no breeze blew upon her. + +Months passed. Miss von Schwertfeger ceased to write. Lilly's money gave +out. The little treasure of trinkets dwindled rapidly. + +The lodging houses to which she moved grew ever more modest. Chilian +attaches and Greek trafficers were replaced by bankrupt real estate +agents and unemployed bank clerks, who wanted to solace her in her +loneliness by spending the evenings with her. And the women who came in +soiled kimonos to pay her neighbourly visits cast greedy glances at the +few brooches, bracelets and rings she still had left. + +So Lilly determined to make an end of this life. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +One of the best of the "best rooms" in Berlin which are to be found in +houses having once known those renowned better days and which are let +out to decent young women for thirty marks, including service and +breakfast, was to be had from the widow Clothilde Laue. + +It contained red plush furniture, which embodied the acme of good taste +at the time of the Franco-Prussian War. It contained a pier glass +fantastically stuck from top to bottom with New Year's cards, cards of +congratulation, and illustrated advertisements of soaps and powders. It +contained photographs on the walls of actors once famous, whose fame in +the meantime had faded no less than the autographs they had written +beneath their pictures. It contained a washstand, whose marble top was +covered with a tidy embroidered with the sententious couplet: + + To keep your body clean, be sure + To have your conscience just as pure. + +It contained photograph albums, card-cases, a cigar clip in the shape of +a windmill of olive wood, a green glass punch bowl, and a shaky pine bed +modestly hidden behind blue woolen portieres. + +It contained, finally, hung over the sofa in a gilt-edged glass case, a +mysterious round creation. The thing consisted of six strips of paper +braided together and radiating from a common centre. It was covered with +gauze, beneath which the outline of pressed flowers could dimly be +distinguished. + +It was in this best room on Neanderstrasse, four flights up, over a +china shop, a piano-renting establishment, and a "repair studio," from +the windows of which room an oblique view was to be obtained of the +greenish grey waves of the Engelbecken, and into which a broad expanse +of genuine Berlin smoky sky actually shone, that Lilly one day landed. + +Mrs. Laue was a woman of fifty, worn out by overwork, with a face like a +dried apple, and great staring, tearful eyes. She circled about Lilly in +incredulous admiration, as if unable to comprehend that so much +brilliance and beauty had strayed into her home. + +The very day of her arrival Lilly was informed of her history. Her +husband had been cashier and bookkeeper at one of the favorite variety +theatres in Berlin, and twenty years before had departed this world, +leaving her without home or protection. There was no rosy glamour to +glorify tears wept in solitude, no comic songs to drown the cry of +hunger. + +Here that mysterious round creation, which on closer inspection proved +to be a lamp shade, came to her rescue. It had been presented to her by +an artistic friend, and it occurred to her to use it as a model for +making others to sell. + +After peddling her wares about for years, after long drudgery and +disenchantments of all sorts, she at last conquered a market for her +"pressed-flower lamp shades," and won for herself a name as specialist +in her field. + +In her back room with one window, which smelled of hay and paste, and +where hundreds of dried flowers lay on a long white deal table--she +herself did not gather them, of course, for lack of time--she had worked +for nearly two decades tapping, daubing, pasting, drying, threading, and +weaving sixteen hours a day, and had earned--thanks to her renown as a +specialist!--so much that she was compelled to rent her best room, her +treasure chamber, her sanctuary, to a stranger for thirty marks a month. + +Lilly and Mrs. Laue, it is true, did not remain strangers. + +Into the existence of this back-room being, in whose eyes a few +betinseled ballet-dancers were paragons of beauty, the embodiment of +unattainable splendour, Lilly descended from the world of genuine +aristocracy as from heavenly heights. Her hostess idolised her, because +she saw in her a messenger from that wholly improbable land which exists +only in novels, and in which words like "lackey" and "drawing-room," and +"pearl necklace"--Lilly soon told Mrs. Laue of hers--and other such +things as one allows to melt on one's tongue with half-closed eyes, are +taken as a matter of course. + +Mrs. Laue immediately became Lilly's confidante and counsellor. She +helped her overcome the shame consequent upon the divorce trial, she +encouraged her when the feeling of being lost unnerved her, and she held +before her eyes the prospect of a radiant future. + +In great, powerful, wonder-working Berlin, nobody need succumb. Every +day a dozen lucky chances might occur to help one to one's feet. There +were lonely old ladies who were desperately seeking heiresses for their +fortunes, there were noble young women who, disgusted with the +artificiality of their surroundings, helplessly yearned to reach out the +hand of companionship to a beautiful poor orphan; there were celebrated +artists who sought to escape the snares of lewd women in the arms of a +pure love; there were great poets with whom the position of muse had +become vacant. + +The whole city seemed to have been waiting for Lilly's coming to lift +her jubilantly to the throne of mistress. + +More months passed. + +Regret for her squandered life gradually lost its edge. Her nights +became calmer. She no longer started out of a drowse with a cry because +some picture of her paradise lost stood before her with horrible +vividness. + +But one thing she did not learn: to consider the brief span during which +she had wandered on the heights as a mere episode that had interrupted +her true, modest life like a caprice, a dream. In her consciousness she +was and remained a sort of enchanted princess in the guise of a beggar +until it pleased Providence to reinstate her in her own. + +She solicitously cherished everything reminding her of her vanished +glory. + +The gala robes the colonel had had made for her in Dresden hung in Mrs. +Laue's wardrobe; her underwear embroidered with the seven-pointed +coronet filled Mrs. Laue's empty drawers with their blossom-like +delicacy, and in a long row in front of the tall mirror in Mrs. Laue's +best room lay the superb toilet articles of ivory and gold which had +once been the pride of her "boudoir." These, too, still bore the +seven-pointed coronet. Lilly would have considered it an outrage upon +her most sacred rights had she had to part with them. + +And all the time she awaited the future. She still studied +advertisements, and wrote letters applying for positions; but the +advertisements were usually forgotten and the letters seldom mailed. + +However, feeling the need of occupation and companionship, she got into +the habit of sitting with Mrs. Laue in the back room and helping her +with her work. Soon she, too, was tapping, pasting, daubing, threading, +and weaving just like her teacher. Having inherited taste and talent for +everything artistic she soon outstripped Mrs. Laue. After having sold +the shades Mrs. Laue would relate without envy how the patterns she +designed and set together were instantly recognised and preferred. + +Lilly's ambition was aroused. She strove to create works of art. She +could not toil enough. + +"If you wouldn't fool such a time over every little spray," was Mrs. +Laue's criticism, "you would make more money than I do." After each +transaction Mrs. Laue honestly settled accounts with Lilly. + +But Lilly was satisfied with the forty or fifty marks a month that her +work brought in. Her newly aroused fancy flew toward higher goals. + +The dried grasses, the "grass flowers," as Mrs. Laue called them, +charmed her especially. Their slender, aspiring stalks, the delicate +grace of their branchings, the weary mourning of their hanging sprays, +caused them to resemble tiny trees, weeping willows at the edge of a +brook, ash-trees inclining over marble urns, or palms longingly rooted +on parched rocks. + +Lilly dreamed of a new sort of art--paintings on transparent glass with +foregrounds of dried grass; lamp shades and window shades, on which +woods of flowering grass and ferns charmingly shaded pasteboard houses +standing out in relief with their windows cut out to let light shine as +if from within; fleecy clouds, glowing sunsets, ridges of hills in hazy +outline, and dark blue rivers, across which the moon threw swaying +bridges of light. + +An endless succession of pictures suddenly took form in Lilly's mind, +and new ones kept coming and coming. She did not know what to do with +all that wealth of imagery. + +Mrs. Laue, who for twenty years had unswervingly stuck to pasting her +oiled paper and felt that every desire to abandon her modest work was +heretical, warned Lilly with all her might. + +But Lilly was possessed. + +And one day she resorted to extreme measures. She took her arrow-shaped +brooch set with six small emeralds to the jeweler, who gave her eighty +marks. It was worth five times as much, of course. She used the money to +buy polished cut-glass plates, which were held together in pairs by +brass screws and could be hung at the window by dainty chains. She also +purchased a box of paints, and while Mrs. Laue clasped her hands in +dismay, she set to painting bravely. + +But her skill, which consisted of nothing more than some recollections +of water-color lessons at high school, failed her utterly. The colors +ran together, and the woods in the foreground, which had significance +and value only in conjunction with the painted landscape, remained +nothing but fern leaves and grass blades, rooted in nothingness. + +Lilly agonised a long time. Finally shedding hot tears she threw all the +stuff into a corner, and ruefully returned to her lamp shades. She again +took to pasting oiled paper wings and weaving six of them together with +white silk ribbons. + +Mrs. Laue, who during the weeks of Lilly's truancy had maintained glum +silence, took again to depicting seductive futures. All the fancies that +had been held fast in her poor brain for twenty long years were set +free, now that she herself had nothing to hope for, and were laid in +Lilly's outstretched hands. + +As for Lilly, she continued to listen greedily; but a feeling began to +oppress her soul that as her life went on--that which she called +life--she was sinking slowly, almost imperceptibly, but deeper, deeper +every day into this dark, sorry existence; and she was tormented by a +horror of her landlady, of that limited human being in whose great, +watery, red-rimmed eyes a hopeless desire for life's attractions still +shone, although her lamp shades had brought her nearly to the edge of +the grave. + +This horror often came upon Lilly so powerfully that she had to run out +of doors, no matter where--out into the world, into the arms of life. + +Before an hour had elapsed she was back again. The streets frightened +her. The painted prostitutes who brushed her shoulders, the young +fellows hunting for game who trotted behind her, the unconcerned +brazenness with which each and every one elbowed his way--all this +filled her with apprehension and made a coward of her. + +A dim feeling told her she would never again be equal to that lusty +independence which takes pleasure in fight. She seemed to herself a +helpless cripple, when she remembered the poor shop-girl who in cozy +security performed her duties among Mrs. Asmussen's old volumes, and +felt she was in the right even when she lied and deceived and was beaten +and obviously was in the wrong. + +Then the waiting--the waiting--the never-sleeping, ever-hungry waiting. + +For what? She herself did not know. + +But something _had_ to come. Her life _could_ not end here among those +bits of oiled paper. + +From time to time the thought of the rich bronze manufacturer to whom +Walter had recommended her rose to the surface of her soul as a vague +craving. But the fervor with which she clung to this shadow terrified +her, and she instantly chased it from her mind. + +A year had passed since Walter's letter had been written. It was much +too late to seek help from him. + +So she waited a few months more. + +Sometimes when her glance fell on the mirror while she was undressing +and she beheld the image of a human being consecrated by beauty, round, +slim, with long-lashed, yearning eyes and a mouth ripened by kisses, +glad astonishment seized her at the thought: "Is that myself?" And she +was overcome by a transport compounded of consciousness of her youth and +readiness for love. + +The world was there just to press her to its heart. Then even that dingy +work-a-day existence became a blessing, because it keyed up her energies +to intoxication and flight. + +And at twilight, when she stretched herself on the sofa in a brief +moment of leisure, and saw the blue flash of the electric tram flit +across the ceiling, dreams came gently gliding upon her, resolving that +burning expectancy into soft, half-fulfilled desires; a feeling that she +had been saved stole over her soul like a thanksgiving, and that which +she usually bewailed as lost happiness became nothing more than a +nightmare from which a benign destiny had freed her. + +But such hours were rare. And they resembled the solacing mirage that +arises before the eyes of the thirsty traveller, rather than the drink +itself. + + * * * * * + +The winter passed in fog and rain. + +Now came the mild March evenings when rosy clouds floated like blossoms +over the house tops. Then came spring itself. The freshly trimmed little +trees on the open places put forth brownish green buds, which by degrees +turned into pale bunches of leaves. + +Lilly saw as little of all that glad bourgeoning, that snowy florescence +of cherry trees, that brilliant glow of the hawthorne as when she dusted +the yellow powder from Mrs. Asmussen's bookcases. + +Mrs. Laue did not like taking walks. To her the idea of passing a meadow +without gathering flowers, or a garden without thrusting her hand +between the rails, was inconceivable; and she feared being caught in the +act, an experience she had often had. + +Lilly for her part would not venture out alone, dreading the +unrestrained crowd. + +Then came those hot, hazy, oppressive Sunday afternoons when endless +throngs stream from the city to the suburbs, when the streets lie +stretched out dead in all their length, and when the overcast heavens +fairly weigh upon those who have been left to pant between the walls of +the houses. + +On those afternoons Mrs. Laue would stick genuine rhinestone studs into +her ears, would don a brown velvet dress with a black jet collar on the +square-cut neck, and in this costume would pay Lilly a formal visit in +the best room. The Dresden gowns would be taken from the wardrobe and +carefully compared with the gorgeous dresses worn by the charming ladies +of the proscenium box twenty-five years before. The faded pictures of +long-forgotten stars would be fetched down from the walls and examined +as to their charms. Exciting tales would be told of their own +adventures, in which, amid blithe sinning, marital fidelity asserted its +modest worth. + +The afternoon would decline pale and perspiring as a fever patient. A +hot breeze would blow in through the window. The varnish of the rosewood +furniture would reek, the walls of the houses opposite would shine as if +polished with wax, and Mrs. Laue, munching her cheese cake, would again +repeat the tale of her stale virtues. + +When at last she took leave Lilly would groan and sink on her bed, +burying her face in the close-smelling pillows. From without she would +hear the shouts of the merry-makers returning from the country. + +The next morning the pasting of flowers would begin anew. + +July came. She could no longer endure it. + +One Monday, while she was lying in bed and early dawn found her still +awake, still waiting, her pillow wet with tears, the desire for life +suddenly gripped her heart so strongly that she jumped from bed with an +outcry, a jubilant exclamation, and finally determined: "I will do it +to-day. I will take the difficult step, and go on a begging pilgrimage +to that strange man." + +But no--mercy, no! Beg--she would not beg. Oh, she had long before +carefully arranged all that. + +She would merely ask for a bit of advice, which an experienced +connoisseur of arts and crafts could easily give without sacrificing +more than five minutes of his business time. She would simply find out +from him how and where she could learn transparency-painting. + +Whatever his answer, the foundations of a new life would have been +laid. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +Was it a path of destiny? + +The street wore its usual appearance. Truck waggons rattled along; women +doing their marketing crowded in front of the provision shops; young +men, hastening by with portfolios or books in their arms found time to +turn and look after her. Lilly perceived this as always with a sense +partly of satisfaction, partly of chagrin. + +Was it a path of destiny? + +The throbbing of her heart as she walked along said to her, "Yes." + +She felt she was going to market to sell herself. + +Herself--everything left of herself; her bit of pride, her bit of +freedom, her faith that she was one of the elect, her faith in the +miracle that some day was to be accomplished in her behalf. + +The walk lasted nearly an hour. + +She lost her way. She asked the policemen. She stood in front of shop +windows to look at her reflection--she was afraid of not pleasing. And +each time she saw the soft, slim contour of her tall figure with its air +of pleasant self-sufficiency, she drew a breath of relief. + +When she read the name of the street where he dwelt, she started in +fright. She had secretly hoped she would not find it, and would have to +return after all. + +His house presented nothing remarkable. A grey, four-story structure +with a broad, unadorned square carriage entrance, across the full width +of which was a scaffolding + + Liebert & Dehnicke + Manufacturers of Metal Wares, + +was inscribed in gold characters on an enormous iron plate stretching +along half the front of the house. + +From the opposite side of the street she scrutinised every detail, still +oppressed by the question whether she had not better turn back. + +The second story windows were closely hung with dainty ecru lace +curtains. On the sills were snowy white porcelain pots filled with +geraniums and marigolds. That part of the house looked better kept and +more prosperous than everything round about. + +"That's probably where he lives," she thought, and felt a slight dread +in the face of so much serene yet severe beauty. + +Then she took heart, crossed the street, and made straight for the door +with iron grill work, which was next to the carriage entrance and seemed +to lead up to that awe-inspiring second story. + +But the door was locked, and before ringing she peeped through the +grating. She saw a dark staircase solemnly lined with cypress trees and +laurel bushes. In the background at the head of the stairs was a window +glowing blue and red and throwing rainbow colors on a white bust in +front of it. Lilly recognized the bust, having seen it in the display +windows of the art shops. It was Clytie, whom she had always loved +because of her gentle melancholy. + +As she looked upon all this her heart sank again. She seemed to herself +totally unworthy to step into those formal, peaceful regions. So she +descended the three door steps and entered the profaner carriage +entrance, where several labourers in white overalls were busily engaged +covering the bare brick walls with highly veined marble stucco. + +Men were at work in the yard as well. The round cobble stones with which +it had once been paved were lying in heaps, and the ground was being +covered with an ornate mosaic, of a light grey broken by white swirls +and circles, like the flooring in ancient churches. + +At the back of the yard rose the bald brick side of the factory, which +also was undergoing changes in accordance with the general beautifying +scheme. Up to about the second story the wall was being set with yellow +and blue tiles. They looked gay and festive, and upon the completion of +the repairs the old smoky court would have the appearance of a decorated +salon. + +"They're doing things here in great style," thought Lilly, growing even +more timid. + +To her left in a corner of the court she saw a building to which not a +drop of the varnish being used on the other parts of the establishment +had been applied. It stood there with bare, dun-colored plastered walls. +Next to an extremely plain flight of iron steps was a metal plate +inscribed "Office." + +Lilly went up the iron steps and entered a badly lighted, dusty room +divided in two by a wooden rail, on the farther side of which a half +dozen young people were sitting at desks covered with spotted, +threadbare felt. They all stared at her in astonishment. It did not +occur to one of them to ask her what she wanted. + +Evidently a person like herself had never before been seen in the place. + +The group was turned to stone and did not regain animation until she +drew her card from her gold brocade purse and silently laid it on the +table. Then the six of them jumped up and tried to get possession of +it. There came near being a row. + +But one of them, a tall, straw-complexioned fellow, who seemed to have +some authority, chased the others back to their seats with a few furtive +nudges, and bowing and scraping, said to Lilly he would immediately go +see whether Mr. Dehnicke--and with the card in his hand disappeared into +a back room. + +A few moments passed. Lilly could hear subdued voices through the +half-open door. + +"Czepanek? Don't know her. Ask her what she wants. What does she look +like?" + +The answer, which lasted several seconds, seemed to have been +satisfactory, for the clerk came out and without further ado opened the +gate in the wooden railing and ushered Lilly into the back room. + +At last _he_ stood before her. + +Stocky, middle-sized--shorter than herself--with a tendency toward +stoutness. A round, well-kept face, good, greyish blue eyes, which said +little; an arched brow, light brown hair brushed back smooth from his +temples, a short moustache turned up abruptly at each end, probably to +proclaim the lieutenant. Remarkably small hands and ears. Everything +about him breathed tidiness and scrupulousness, though it would not have +mattered if he had been less well groomed. + +He was taken aback at Lilly's entrance. His eyes grew round with polite +astonishment. + +The consciousness that she had not failed to make an impression +emboldened her, and gave her a sense of security. It was not in vain +that she had gone through Miss von Schwertfeger's schooling. + +"I have come to you at the recommendation of a friend of both of us, who +prepared you for this visit," she began, inwardly rejoiced to be able +once again to play the _grande dame_. + +A mirror hung opposite, and Lilly regarded with satisfaction the +discreet wreath of violets about her lilac turban, and the +violet-coloured tailor-made suit. Her image looking affably from the +frame reminded her of a picture by some portrait painter of high life. + +Mr. Dehnicke silently drew up a chair for her. An expectant distrust was +to be detected in his eyes in place of the consternation of the first +seconds. Evidently he did not dare to place her in the class in which, +to judge from her appearance, she belonged. + +His head was set a bit obliquely on his neck, inclining to the left, as +if he had recently had an attack of lumbago. This posture increased +Lilly's impression that he suspected her. + +She looked down at her brocade purse, and acted as if she could scarcely +suppress a smile. + +He became still more confused. + +"May I ask," he stammered, "who that friend--? I don't recall." In +perplexity he turned over the visiting card his clerk had brought him. + +Lilly rebelled at having to utter her former lover's name, and so expose +her shame to the man who lived behind those respectable porcelain flower +pots. + +"Is it possible," she asked hesitatingly, "that you do not recall having +received a letter from a comrade in your regiment, in which he asks you +to interest yourself in a lady who--" + +Mr. Dehnicke jumped to his feet and reddened to the roots of his hair. +His eyes grew bright and round between his stretched lids and threatened +to pop from their sockets. + +"I beg pardon," he faltered. "You probably refer to a letter which I +received nearly a year and a half ago from Lieutenant von Prell?" + +"I do." + +"My lady," he cried, completely upset. "If I had suspected that my +lady--" + +So much simple respect was depicted on his face that Lilly's +consciousness of aristocracy was heightened quite a bit. + +But so it could not remain. + +"I call myself Lilly--Czepanek," she whispered, blushing in her turn, +though delighting in the expression "call myself," which permitted the +assumption that she had voluntarily chosen to use her maiden name. + +Fright at the indelicacy of which he thought himself guilty was plainly +to be read in his features. + +"I beg pardon," he said, "I should have remembered that you must have +gone through many difficulties." Then as if shot from a pistol: "Why +didn't you come sooner? I waited and waited--a month--several +months--then I took to looking for you--in vain. I even thought of going +to a detective bureau, but I feared overstepping the bounds of +reserve--" + +Lilly nodded with a smile of appreciation. + +"Unfortunately I did not dream of another name. So I gave up the hope of +ever having the great pleasure--" + +In the exuberance of his delight he seemed prepared to clasp her hand. +However, he proved himself sufficiently well bred to desist when he saw +she did not respond. + +Lilly now had the reins of the situation in her hands. She felt she was +so saturated with the romance of suffering, so enveloped by the delicate +aroma of aristocratic aloofness, that she might just have stepped out of +one of Mrs. Asmussen's novels. + +"I am grateful to you for your reproaches. I see I did not knock at your +door in vain." + +"I assure you," he replied, inclining his head still more to the left by +way of emphasis, "I place myself at your service with all my powers, +with everything I am and--" He paused. The word "have," which should +naturally have followed, was more than he, the scrupulous business man, +would allow to pass his lips so lightly. + +"I will not make great demands on you, of course," Lilly replied airily, +to put a little damper on his ardour. "I simply do not want to be +without someone to advise me as to a way of earning my livelihood, and +since--Mr. von Prell"--at last the name came out--"said I might place +perfect confidence in you--" + +"You may rely upon me as upon Mr. von Prell himself." + +"That's not saying a great deal," flashed through her head, but she kept +from revealing her thought by so much as a smile. + +"By the way, what do you hear from him?" he asked. + +Lilly blushed. If she admitted his silence, she laid herself bare, +irremediably. So, not to appear forsaken and cast aside, she said: + +"On parting we agreed not to write to each other for the time being. We +thought in the struggle ahead of us that eternal waiting for news and +that eternal fear for each other would not leave us with the strength +necessary for meeting the demands of life. But you probably have gotten +a letter from him lately?" + +He started, and reflected an instant. + +"Yes--that is, no. Not lately. Sometime ago he wrote--he was getting +along. He said he was about to make a career for himself. And he asked +most urgently as to your whereabouts; in regard to which, of course, to +my great distress, I could not enlighten him." + +This did not sound very likely. A moment before he himself had been +asking for news of Walter, and now when she inquired for Walter's +address, he had to acknowledge, stammering, that the letter had not +contained an address and for that reason-- + +It was quite clear he had fabricated. + +Probably he hoped to acquire greater importance in her eyes by +representing his relations with her lover as still continuing. But since +similar motives had led her to trifle with the truth, she had no cause +for feeling angry with him. + +She now told him the purpose of her visit; described the delicate craft +she had learned a few months before, the desire she had to perfect +herself in it, and her helplessness when it came to practical matters. +Might she ask Mr. Dehnicke to recommend some artist who could instruct +her? That was all she had come to him for. + +He listened to her with professional interest, and acted as if he took +her plans ever so seriously. But behind the mute thoughtfulness of his +features lay something that did not please her. It was not pity, most +certainly not. It was rather a holding back and seeking, then an +increasing satisfaction, as if he felt he was gaining ground in the +measure in which the helplessness of her situation became apparent. + +"A very easy matter," he replied, his manner less constrained than +before. "There are several real painters among the artists who furnish +the models for my business. One of them"--he turned the pages of a +book--"Kellermann--the very man--and then--. However, we'll drop that +for the present. There are other things to be considered in connection +with your practising your profession which, it strikes me, are more +important. So please don't consider me impolite if I put some questions +to you." + +Lilly nodded assent. + +"What artistic training have you had?" + +"Well, you see, that's just it," Lilly replied, getting the better of +her embarrassment. "Just because I never had any I should like--" + +He did not move a muscle. + +"What are your means of support?" + +She was silent. She felt as if her clothes were being drawn from her +body piece by piece. + +"I need not tell you," he added, "it's not my intention to pry into +matters that do not concern me. But since you honoured me by asking my +advice--" + +"I still have some jewels," she said, looking at him severely and +haughtily. "When they go, I'll have nothing." + +He nodded slightly, as if to say, "I thought so." + +"One more question: in what sort of a place are you living now?" + +"In the sort of place befitting my condition. Four flights up, with a +poor woman, the one from whom I learned pasting pressed flowers." + +As she said this, her glance fell upon the mirror and showed her the +image of the beautiful aristocratic society dame, who had condescended +to bestow a visit upon Mr. Dehnicke, "comrade of the reserves," in his +dark hole of an office. + +He rose, and for a few moments paced up and down between the desk and +the door. He was so spruce and his clothes fitted him so snugly that +everything about him cracked and creaked. In his polished rotundity he +looked as if he had just stepped out of a bandbox. He had a little bald +spot, too. But the expression of his face remained serious, almost +uneasy, as if he were weighed down by heavy thoughts. + +He came to a halt before her and his voice quivered a little as he +spoke. + +"What I am going to say has its roots in the many years of genuine +friendship that unite me to Mr. von Prell--" + +The mocking, condescending words with which Walter had recommended him +to her, occurred to Lilly. + +"I passed so many delightful hours in his company. I owe him so much +inspiration and--" He stopped. He owed him so much he could not remember +it all on the instant. "I will remain in debt to him the rest of my +life." + +"Who feels he is indebted to me because I pumped him for coin," was what +Walter had written. Then there really did exist such touching creatures +in the world. + +"But I am most grateful to him for the confidence he showed in me by +bequeathing his betrothed to me, so to speak." + +"Betrothed!" The word had been uttered. She had not deceived herself. It +frightened her, but she did not repudiate it. Until that day she had not +even dreamed of considering Walter and herself bound to each other, +neither herself, nor the poor little fellow who did not know how to care +for himself, much less for a wife and child. But then--in the eyes of +this man with his middle-class morals, that was the only justification +for her bungled, ill-regulated existence. And not only in his eyes--in +the eyes of the whole world--and, if she cared, in her own eyes, too. If +she clung to the man who was practically dead to her, fastening upon him +all her wishes and feelings, she would have a support for her entire +being. She could ask for absolution and justification even before God. + +All this flashed through her mind with lightning rapidity while Mr. +Dehnicke continued to asseverate his friendship for Walter, and look at +her with his round eyes in undesirous adoration. Finally he came to the +point. + +"In his place and for his sake I advise you most urgently to quit +surroundings that do not suit you, and create an environment in keeping +with your past. If you ever wish to realise your plans you will have +to." + +"What has my environment to do with my art?" queried Lilly, shrugging +her shoulders. + +"Well, in the first place you must have a studio where you can receive +your customers--where you can show them who you are and the extent of +your artistic demands, and what the real nature of your artistic +intentions are. That is the only way of preventing your customers from +treating and paying you like an ordinary worker." + +"But the customers don't come to me," she interjected. + +"They should come to you," he exclaimed, talking himself into a degree +of eagerness. "An artist with self-respect doesn't take one step outside +his studio to offer his wares for sale. You must treat yourself the same +way." + +She mentally calculated the value of the rest of her brooches, rings, +and bracelets, and rejoined with a smile: + +"Easily said." + +Mr. Dehnicke made a bold sally. + +"My sincere friendship for Walter"--now he called him by his first +name--"gives me the right--how shall I say? to make provision, to--" + +Lilly saw what was coming and shut off further discussion. + +"I feel content where I am," she declared, "and until I have created +with my own efforts the suitable environment that you so kindly wish for +me, I do not feel I am entitled to make a change." + +He bowed. His friendly zeal cooled off markedly. But he asked for her +address, so that he might know where he should send her the desired +information. + +Lilly hesitatingly gave it to him, and added the request that in no +circumstances should he come to see her. + +He bowed again, and his coolness became rigidity. + +But Lilly rejoiced that she had known so well how to keep him at a +distance. Nobody in the wide world should call her a beggar. + +She therefore took leave all the more graciously, for she had not come +to him in order to frighten him away forever. + +He was quick to profit by her warmer tone, and became ardent again. + +If there was anything else he could do for her--if she felt lonely--and +required company. + +Lilly looked at his right hand, saw no wedding ring there, and smiled +"no." + +He understood look and smile, for he said, hemming and hawing in an +endeavour to conquer fresh confusion: + +"I live alone with my mother, but unfortunately I cannot take you to see +her because she is sickly and since my father's death has withdrawn +entirely from society. But I would be most careful as to the company to +which I should introduce you." + +"I took that for granted," Lilly replied with amiable condescension. "In +spite of that--thank, you, really--in the peculiar position I am in it +is better for me not to mingle with people." + +She gave him a regal bow, held out her hand, and left. + +He followed her respectfully, and the six young gentlemen stood up in a +row and curved their backs like their employer. + +With flushed face Lilly passed the partially completed decorations in +the yard, and walked along the imitation marble entrance to the street, +thinking, in mingled triumph and disenchantment: + +"No, that was _not_ a path of destiny." + +But she had suddenly acquired a betrothed. That was something, at any +rate. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +Mr. August Kellermann, though unsuccessful in selling his pictures, +enjoyed a fair reputation as a painter. He was a knowing fellow of about +thirty-five, seven times washed in the life of the metropolis, who got +great amusement from his own astuteness. He had a sandy Rubens beard and +small bleared eyes with an eternal yawn in them from the night before. + +He lived in an abandoned photographer's studio of enormous dimensions, +like a huge glass case. To keep out the glare and the heat he had hung +oriental rugs under the skylight, propping them up on long poles, and +their fringed ends hung down as in a Beduin's tent. + +When Lilly stepped from the dim anteroom into the glare of the diffused +light from above--it was so high it seemed a very part of the +heaven--she found him in a puce-coloured sack coat and worn green +unheeled slippers, over which hung his red-checked stockings. He was +squatting on the floor next to an oriental coffee tray poking at a +narghile that had gone out. + +"Lordy!" he exclaimed without responding to her greeting and without +rising. "It's worth receiving such a visit." + +Lilly prepared to withdraw. Then he shot to his feet like an arrow, +hoisted his trousers with a shrug of his shoulders, and wiped the dust +from a bamboo chair with his sleeves. + +"Sit down, child. I have given up painting for the present, and have +gone in for pottery, and I should not be able to make use of fair Helen +herself, but I won't let anything like you escape me, not I." + +Lilly handed him her benefactor's letter, which she had received the day +before, and enlightened him as to the mistake he had made. + +"Now his manner will change," she thought. + +Nothing of the sort took place. + +"Botheration!" he said, scratching his head. "Noblest of women, why are +you so beautiful? Quondam general's wife"--here she was "general's wife" +again--"I had imagined spectacles and pimples, and now something like +this comes along." + +"Then you probably know what my motive is in visiting you?" asked Lilly, +who was too faint-hearted to express resentment at his tone. + +He clapped his fleshy hand to his forehead. + +"One moment, one moment. Mr. Dehnicke, my dry bread-giver--dry referring +to bread as well as to giver--_did_ say something to me day before +yesterday, but I suffer from congenital defect of my faculties of +apprehension, and I hope you will be good enough to--" + +When Lilly explained the nature of her desires, he broke out into +unrestrained laughter. + +"That you shall have, my aristocratic friend. You shall certainly enjoy +the benefit of my instruction. Even if you hadn't been foam-born! Such a +treat doesn't happen every day. I will charm so many sunsets out of the +heavens and set them on glass in hues so roseate you will never be able +to look a rose in the face again." + +Lilly was by no means ignorant that in her capacity of aristocratic +lady, the part she wished to play, she should have left the studio long +before. But she was too eager to avail herself of his readiness to +instruct; she could not throw away the opportunity so painfully won. + +"What would Anna von Schwertfeger do in such a situation?" she asked +herself. Then, tossing her head, she said: "But there are certain +matters to be settled before we proceed further. In the first place, I +should like to know what your charges are, so that I may decide if I can +afford to pay for such valuable services--" + +He looked somewhat disconcerted, and remarked that Mr. Dehnicke would +probably look out for that. + +"Mr. Dehnicke has nothing at all to do with my money matters," she +replied. "If there should be any misunderstanding as to that--" she +grasped her parasol--she had kept her gloves on. + +"Tut, tut, don't be so hasty," said Mr. Kellermann. He reflected a few +moments, and then mentioned a reasonable charge, five marks a morning. + +"The ruby ring," thought Lilly, and nodded. + +"I'm curious as to the second condition," he said. + +"It is more important to me than the first. It is--I should like to be +treated like a lady." + +"Oh," he said, "I'm not fine enough for you? We'll fix that. I can be +fine as silk, I tell _you_, I can. In fact I possess six degrees of +fineness, and all you need do is choose the one you like best: +superfine, extrafine, fine, semifine, impolite, and downright vulgar. +Now select." + +This joke and a few more similar in quality pleased Lilly so well that +for the present she gave up her demand to be respected as a _grande +dame_, and was content if in associating with her he did not pay her +court and took her as a "good fellow." + +However, her admonition had not failed of effect. The next day when she +came he was wearing boots. + +He proved to be an intelligent, discreet teacher, who did not essay wild +flights with his pupil and manifested kindly, considerate interest in +her childish plan. + +He devised something of gelatine especially for her purpose, by which +colours on a transparency gained in brilliancy. He was untiring in +planning new effects. + +"I will make six bloody sunsets for you," he said, "with which you will +deal a blow to all your competitors in a body, especially that extremely +conscienceless lady who perpetrates the most impertinent pranks. I mean, +of course, Dame Nature." + +While Lilly daubed on a window pane, he stood smoking Turkish tobacco or +chewing ginger before one of the modelling stands that took up the +centre of the room and "pottered" at his work. + +The artistic creations that he "fetched out of the depths of his soul" +were usually human figures half or third life size: knights in armour +bearing banners, maidens in old German costumes aimlessly stretching out +their hands, allegoric women's figures doing the same, heralds blowing +trumpets, and now and then secession shapes, long, slim, swirly limbs +which trailed off like a nixy's body into a fish's tail into ash trays, +finger bowls, or other such pleasing and useful objects. + +And all the while that he was turning out factory models, dusty, +half-completed paintings and sketches hung on the walls, or stood on the +floor leaning against the walls. They showed a bold inventiveness, a +riotous joy in colour. Each seemed to bear the mark of a reckless +conception and a laughing ability to execute. + +One was a picture of a half-ruined church in a tropical forest with a +pack of monkeys chasing over the altar; another, a group of stupid +camels in a depressing desert scene snuffling at the corpse of a dead +lion. The best was a painting of a naked woman weighed down by heavy +chains, which bound her blooming, lustrous body to a parched rock, +while a flock of black, red-eyed vultures hovered about her head. + +There was much else which testified to force and originality, but the +woman in chains remained Lilly's favourite. + +One day she ventured to ask her teacher why he permitted all these +paintings to go to ruin instead of finishing them and placing them on +exhibit. + +"Because I have to produce pot-boilers, you innocent angel, you," he +replied, and splashed a clod of clay against the leg of the allegoric +lady he was working on. "Because the world requires lamps and vases, but +not an eternal beauty with mother-wit inside her lovely body. Because +there are 'manufacturers of imitation bronze ware,' who keep you from +dropping by the roadside. And because I'm a fellow with sound teeth who +must have a few morsels of life to crunch, and, after starving for +twenty years, would like to join the great band of Dionysus worshippers. +Do you understand, you afternoon-tea-soul, you?" + +"But the woman with the chains, why don't you finish her at least?" + +He burst into mocking laughter at himself, and threw himself full length +on the fur-covered couch which stood in the darkest corner of the large +glass-walled room. Then he jumped up, and offered Lilly some of the +ginger from the pot he always kept on hand. + +She declined, and pressed him for an answer. + +"Good Lord," he said, "don't you realise how heavily one's own chains +weigh one down? Fire would have to descend from heaven and melt my +manacles. Or else the goddess herself would have to come down, lay her +corset and stockings on that chair there, and say: 'Here I am, sir. Here +is the foam-born body. Begin--look and paint to your heart's content.'" + +Still chewing ginger he took his stand in front of Lilly and raised his +clasped hands up to her. + +"You look at me so oddly," she said, "what have _I_ to do with all +that!" + +"I'm not saying anything," he exclaimed. "I have too much contemptible +respect to--. But when my chain-laden beauty shall have cried for +freedom long enough--she cries day and night, sometimes she cries so I +can't sleep--then, perhaps, the miracle will happen, and a certain lady, +who is now blushing even unto her eyeballs, will come and--" + +"I think we'd better get to work," said Lilly. + +After that day Lilly took good care not to speak of the picture, nor +even give it a sidelong glance if she thought Mr. Kellermann might see +her. Nevertheless he made many beseeching allusions to his presumptuous +desire, which he seemed unable to dismiss from his mind. Finally Lilly +had to forbid his ever referring to it. + +Her zeal for learning increased daily. The hours in the studio did not +suffice. She practiced at home as well. And when she tried her skill on +the glass plates she had bought, the result, in her and Mrs. Laue's +opinion, was highly commendable. + +In the background the sun set in the prescribed manner in a sea of blood +over hilltops of a robin's egg blue. In the foreground stood woods, dark +and silent, of grass and ferns, belonging anywhere between the Jurassic +and Carboniferous ages, shading huts festively lighted from within, +constructed by a race of men who must have acquired culture at an +extremely early period in the world's history. + +Lilly lacked the courage to show her creations to her master. He had +declared, as a matter of principle he would have nothing to do with +those pasted abominations. But it would have been a great pleasure to +let Mr. Dehnicke see what she had learned and achieved since she had +visited him. + +Unfortunately, after receiving that one letter, she did not hear from +him again, and she was abashed at having been set aside so lightly. + +But one day Mr. Kellermann said: + +"What the devil--the bronze manufacturing business seems to be booming +all of a sudden. Our Mr. Dehnicke can't give me enough orders. He's up +here every day to see how things are progressing." + +Something in Mr. Kellermann's manner of blinking at her made Lilly +blush, and disquieted her, though at the same time it filled her with a +degree of satisfaction. + +At length, when the seven pairs of plates had been painted, and she +could no longer endure her excess of eager pride, she took heart, and +wrote him a letter on her beautiful ivory paper with the golden, +seven-pointed coronet--she had about twenty sheets of it left. Since he +had taken such kindly interest in her, she wrote, she would ask him to +come next Sunday afternoon, and so on. + +His reply arrived without delay. + +Her kind letter gratified his dearest wish; he had greatly desired to +visit her but had remained away so long merely out of respect for her +wishes. + +And then, on the appointed Sunday afternoon, he came. + +Lilly had placed a gladiolus plant in the punch bowl and stuck pink +carnations back of the box containing the lamp shade. Suspended at the +windows by silk ribbons hung the sunsets glowing like a conflagration +and throwing a magic light on the motley frippery that Mrs. Laue had +saved along with her own self from better times. In her white lace +blouse, which she herself had washed and ironed, Lilly looked gay and +festive, and when she held out her hand to Mr. Dehnicke who appeared in +the doorway clad in patent leather shoes and a chimney-pot, bowing and +scraping, she was once again the affable, unapproachable society lady, +who three weeks before had entered his office, and given rather than +gotten. + +Her benefactor seemed all the more embarrassed. + +He sniffed the poor-people's smell that penetrated Mrs. Laue's best room +from the rest of the house, looked up and down the walls uneasily, and +in general acted as if he were trespassing on forbidden territory. + +How happy he was, he said, that she had at last granted him +permission--he hadn't wished to appear intrusive--he would have waited +even longer had not her note removed all his doubts. He repeated +everything he had said in his letter with nervous precipitation, which +did not harmonise with his elegant appearance or his usual frosty +manner. + +Lilly thanked him amiably for all he had done for her, regretted having +caused him the inconvenience of coming to see her, and all the while +felt that with each word she was falling back more and more into the +role of the "general's wife"--partly against her will--who does the +honours in her drawing-room with courteous condescension. + +Gradually she turned the conversation in "by-the-ways" to her art. She +said she was sorry she was so incompetent, and pointed to the +transparencies at the windows. + +Mr. Dehnicke jumped up. He was silent for a while, then burst into +exclamations of enthusiasm, for each of which he had to take a fresh +start, as it were, reiterating his praises with a certain business-like +monotony of tone, and smiling in an embarrassed way. + +Lilly was far too delighted to suspect the tone of his criticism. + +"Have you shown them to Mr. Kellermann?" asked Mr. Dehnicke. + +Lilly confessed to her lack of courage. "Besides," she added, "I felt I +ought to show them to you first." + +He looked at her gratefully and worshipfully, and said: + +"If you haven't done so yet, I advise you to refrain from ever showing +them to him. Despite his apparent willingness, the man is obsessed by +inordinate professional conceit, and it might be--" + +Mr. Dehnicke seemed to fear to say more. + +Lilly plucked up her courage, and asked, as if it were a matter of only +slight importance, whether he thought anyone would buy her work. + +Mr. Dehnicke became silent again, and with his index finger scratched at +the left side of his upper lip under his moustache. Then he inclined his +smooth, round head still more to the left, and said weighing each word: + +"It would be best if you were to entrust the sale of your transparencies +to me. I have certain connections and I know the character of the +buyers. If I set the glass in bronze frames, or something of the sort, I +might even dispose of them as goods of my own." + +Lilly flushed with gratitude. + +"Oh, will you?" she cried, grasping his hand. "At least until I have +found customers for myself?" + +The pressure of her hand caused him to redden to the roots of his hair. + +"In order to do that," he said, looking away from her with an abashed +expression, "you must move away from here at once and establish a home +worthy of yourself." + +"I will gladly," she answered gaily, "as soon as I have earned the +wherewithal." + +"That may mean years." + +"I will wait years." + +"May I be permitted," he stammered, "to remind you once more that being +an old and intimate friend of your betrothed, I am justified--" + +Lilly drew herself up. + +"If my betrothed," she said, "ever should or could take care of me, I +might not have to refuse. But as it is, I may not allow anybody in the +world, not even his dearest friend, to make offers which at best would +merely humiliate me." + +She turned her face aside to hide her tears, which arose from a sense of +insult. + +Mr. Dehnicke contritely begged her pardon, but something like a bit of +fluttered triumph sat in his eyes. + +When it had been agreed that one of his waggons was to come the +following day to fetch the transparencies, and all "business" had been +settled, Mr. Dehnicke modestly begged to be allowed to remain a few +moments longer. He would like to speak a little more about the absent +friend. It was his only opportunity-- + +"A great pleasure for me, too, I am sure," replied Lilly and invited him +to be seated. "I am happy to have found somebody with whom I can speak +about my betrothed." + +"Betrothed," now fell quite naturally from her lips. She felt somewhat +stirred when she uttered it. + +The chance that Mr. Dehnicke might prolong his visit had been foreseen +and provided for. Lilly needed only to ring and Mrs. Laue appeared in +the famous brown velvet dress with one of Lilly's white fichus modestly +tucked in the square-cut neck, and carrying a tea tray with two very +dainty coffee cups. On being presented to Mr. Dehnicke she made a +courtesy, than which none more aristocratic was to be seen at the balls +of Prince Orloffski. After saying a few suitable words about the great +actors of the past and the photographs to which they had affixed their +signatures especially for her, she took leave, as was proper. + +Lilly displayed style as a hostess; and like the aroma of the coffee, +the spirit of "better days" hovered over all. + + * * * * * + +About four days later the mail brought Mrs. Lilly Czepanek a money-order +for 210 marks. Sender, Richard Dehnicke, of Liebert & Dehnicke, Mfrs. of +Metal Wares. And on the left side was the remark: "Seven +transparency-paintings with pressed flowers, sold at 30 mks. a piece." + +The foundations of a livelihood had been laid. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +Now followed happy times. + +With part of the sum she had earned Lilly bought new material, and soon +more sunsets glowed beyond woods of dried grass. + +When she lay on her bed during the hot summer nights, sleepless from +overwork, she would give herself up to wild dreams of what she would do +when her art had conquered the world. + +She would start a workshop, like Mr. Dehnicke's, employ about a dozen +women with Mrs. Laue, of course, as forelady. Then hunt up her father, +and transfer her poor crazy mother to a fine private insane asylum. What +else? Oh yes, provide for Walter, certainly. Now that she felt she was +his fiancee, and her future was his, this was her bounden duty. To be +sure he must first let himself be heard from. But some day, Lilly knew, +when he was at a loss where to turn, he would get word to her in some +way or other. Then she would send him money--in abundance--in +overflowing measure--everything her craft threw into her lap. + +No, not everything. One task, the greatest, the holiest, merely to think +of which was presumption, dominated her life. + +Whether or not her father returned, his work, his immortal work, must +never be allowed to sink into oblivion. Awaiting its summons to life the +score of the Song of Songs still lay asleep in Lilly's locked trunk. But +its sleep was no longer so sound, so dreamless as in the years just +gone by. It began to stir and moan. It gave out a humming and ringing +which echoed through the day's work and crooned in Lilly's sleep, +causing chords and melodies to sound when she least expected them. + +From the blue hills beyond which the sun set in flames came a soft +strain as if blown by evening winds: "How beautiful are thy feet in +sandals, O prince's daughter!" And out of the dark depths of the +fabulous woods fluttered fragments of songs of the rose of Sharon and +the lily of the valley. + +It was almost as if invisible little beings were singing who led a +pleasant existence inside those bright-windowed pasteboard huts. + +Like Lilly herself the whole world would some day have a share in the +treasure whose guardian fate had destined her to be. + +Wherever she went or stood, whatever she did or thought, from all +corners hopes came dancing forth, beckoning and smiling. A new, larger, +purer existence was now to begin. The ends of that golden thread which +her insane mother had cut in two with the bread knife, had been tied +together again, and drew her upward, upward. She had divinations of +something sacred which gave forth blessings, something to be prayed for +and struggled for. + +A few more months and it would all come to pass. + +A piece of good fortune seldom comes unaccompanied by another; and so it +happened that--miracle of miracles!--her betrothed gave a sign of life. + +It was one of the first days in September between eleven and twelve +o'clock in the morning when Mr. Dehnicke appeared at her door without +having announced his coming. Lilly was not completely dressed, and +refused at first to see him in. However, he was so insistent that the +business on which he had come was extremely important, that she did not +venture to dismiss him, and offering a thousand excuses she received him +in her matinee. + +He let a shy glance of admiration travel over her, and then drew a +broad, strange-looking piece of paper from his pocket, which proved to +be a check on the Lincoln and Ohio Bank for two thousand and some odd +marks. + +"What shall I do with it?" asked Lilly. + +"Read the letter it came enclosed in," he replied unfolding a large +sheet. + +"Mr. Richard Dehnicke, Dear Sir," was informed that Mr. Walter von Prell +had deposited five hundred dollars to be paid over to Baroness Lilly von +Mertzbach. + +Lilly was shaken by a storm of gratitude. + +She ran up and down the room pressing her handkerchief to her eyes. + +_She_ had wanted to provide for him, and now _he_ was providing for +_her_. + +Suddenly she was fairly overwhelmed by a feeling of distrust. + +She came to a standstill, and looked from the check to Mr. Dehnicke and +back at the check again. + +Both were wrapped in silence. + +"Do explain," she cried, utterly perplexed. + +"What is there for me to explain?" he rejoined. "I am merely the +middleman, or, if you will, the agent in the affair, which really +concerns no one but you and your affianced." + +"If at least he had given his address," cried Lilly. + +"It almost looks as if he wanted to eradicate all trace of himself," Mr. +Dehnicke observed. + +It was so romantic and so unlike Walter--how could she help being at a +loss! + +But there was "Baroness von Mertzbach." Walter was the only person not +likely to know of her having had to renounce her married name. That, at +least, was an indication of the genuineness of the remittance. + +Mr. Dehnicke inclined his head to the left as usual, and regarded her +with calm indifference--he was the innocent middleman, nothing more. + +"After this unexpected turn of events," he finally said, "you will, of +course, no longer refuse to take up the sort of life that accords with +your social position and is so essential for the sale of your works." + +She shook her head, biting her lips. + +Hereupon he became insistent, more insistent than she had thought his +modesty would permit him to be. + +"You _must_. For his sake you must. I am responsible to him for that. If +he should return and want to marry you, he must not find a declassee. I +am responsible to him for that." + +Lilly asked for time to consider. + +From now on her distant lover held sway over her life with a certain +emphasis. What had been mere fancy became reality. + +Not that she thought of him unqualifiedly as the real sender of those +mysterious five hundred dollars. On the contrary, the voice would not be +silenced that said to her: "You are being played with." But she was +afraid to listen to it, or even draw inferences and come to conclusions. +For if she were to lose the single friend she had, then what? + +In order to down all her doubts and scruples she worked diligently, and +nearly once a week had batches of sunsets ready to be taken away. And in +the meantime Mr. Kellermann had brought her new motifs: a Gothic +cathedral perched on perpendicular rocks, a hunting lodge with many +gleaming windows, and--_chef d'oeuvre_--the moon rising over peaceful +waters, whose silvery sheen was broken by fern fronds. + +October came. + +The first Sunday of the month Mr. Dehnicke called to take Lilly out +walking. He had come for her twice before, and Lilly had accompanied him +gladly. Had he offered to take her to the country, her happiness would +have been complete. + +The autumnal sun lay peacefully upon the tattered leaves of the bare +little trees that edged the square fountain. Groups of people sauntered +by aimlessly, looking bored and depressed. The winter was already laying +its icy touch on men's spirits. + +Mr. Dehnicke and Lilly went along many strange streets all filled with +human beings; and Lilly was happily conscious of having a leader and +protector at her side in all that bustle. + +Mr. Dehnicke, who had been brooding over something a long time, finally +began: + +"Have you reached a decision yet as to your way of living in the +future?" + +Lilly did not reply. She was fully determined to reject every offer on +this point. But it is heavenly to have someone begging of you; you feel +you are of some value in the world. + +"If I had the right to make a choice for you," he continued in his +modest, prim way, "I think I could find a little corner that you would +delight in." + +"I'm not so sure of that," she rejoined, half in jest. "You seem to +assume that our tastes are absolutely similar." + +"Oh, no! I'm not so presumptuous. But recently I saw an apartment that I +think would please you, unless I'm very much mistaken. It belongs to a +lady customer of mine who left town." + +"What a pity! I should like to have seen it, if for no other reason than +to find out whether you have a correct estimate of me." + +He reflected. + +"I think it can be arranged. I think I can take you to see it. The maid, +to be sure, won't be in, because it's Sunday, but the porter's wife +knows me and will give me the key. So if you want to--" + +Lilly hesitated to force herself into the home of an absolute stranger, +but Mr. Dehnicke overbore her objections, summoned a cab, and ordered +that they be driven to the western section of the city, where the houses +are statelier and the people look more aristocratic and a row of +glorious chestnut trees planted in velvety grass hang over the blue +waters of a canal. + +"Oh, what a joy it must be to live here!" she cried. + +The cab drew up at a corner house on the "Koenigin-Augusta-Ufer." + +Dehnicke went to the porter's lodge and spoke a few words through the +window. A key was handed to him, and he led Lilly up the carpeted stairs +of carved oak. How easy to ascend them, and how different from the bare +flagging at home, which hurt one's feet. + +He stopped at a door on the second floor, and politely rang in case the +maid should be in after all. But no one answered the ring, so he +unlocked the door with the key. + +In the meanwhile Lilly tried to read the name posted alongside the door +on a porcelain plate, but unsuccessfully, owing to the dim lighting in +the halls. + +They entered a narrow, dark anteroom smelling of fresh paint, and passed +through it to a room with one window. Here tall closets with glass doors +curtained with green silk were ranged against the walls. The furniture +consisted of nothing but two armchairs, a few small gilt chairs, and a +large, dark, highly polished dining-table. + +"This is really a dining-room," said Mr. Dehnicke. "But it wouldn't be +bad for a sample room and private studio for you." + +Lilly, who would have enjoyed contradicting him, was compelled to agree. + +Adjoining the dining-room on the right was the bedroom with +strawberry-colored cretonne drapery, old rose enamelled furniture, and a +broad, canopied bed with a puffy silk counterpane and curtains held +together by a dull gold seven-pointed coronet. + +"Does your customer belong to the nobility?" asked Lilly, seized by a +vague feeling of envy. + +"Not that I know of. Her husband isn't a nobleman. But maybe she herself +is of noble extraction." + +Lilly heaved a little sigh, recalling her ivory toilet articles and her +underwear embroidered with a coronet lying in Mrs. Laue's musty drawers. +How well they would suit a place like this! She rapturously breathed in +the delicate lilac perfume which penetrated the entire room like the +aroma of an aristocratic spring, and shuddered as she compared it with +the poor-people's odour that was invading her Dresden treasures with +deadly certainty, no matter how persistently she aired them. + +"Happy creature!" she said softly. + +It struck Lilly as peculiar that no traces were to be seen of the life +and activity of the mistress of the place, not a silk ribbon, no +matinee, or nightgown, not a bit of underwear. + +"She probably locked everything away, or took everything with her," said +Mr. Dehnicke. + +They returned to the dining-room, and through the other door on the +left entered a small drawing-room at the corner of the house. It was +flooded with sunlight. + +Lilly clasped her hands rapturously. + +She looked at the delicate old rose carpet with a pattern of vaguely +outlined vines, at the dear little crystal chandelier, whose prisms +radiated all the colours of the rainbow, at the dark reddish mahogany +furniture with bronze statuettes on the dainty tables--a woman about to +dive into water with outstretched arms, a reaper folding his hands in +prayer at the sound of the Angelus, and similar subjects. There was a +little bookcase, a lady's secretaire, paintings on the walls, and even +an upright piano. + +"A piano!" sighed Lilly closing her eyes in mournful bliss. + +There were animate objects, too. In front of one of the three windows +stood an aquarium with a broad-leaved palm rising over it, and the +sunlight gleaming on the water and the gold fish. A canary bird chirped +at them from another window. + +Lilly recalled her light blue realm. In comparison how plain and compact +all this was--like a bird's nest--yet how inconceivably charming when +contrasted with the horror she now dwelt in. + +"Why, it's a veritable paradise!" she said gaily, though tears were +rising in her eyes. + +"Here is one more room," said Mr. Dehnicke, opening a door which Lilly +had failed to notice. "It has a separate entrance from the hall of the +house. The lady probably uses it as a guest room, or something like +that. If you were living here, it would do admirably for a place for +your assistants to work in." + +Lilly looked in. The room was more simply furnished than the others, +though not without care. In the middle of the floor stood a wide table +with greenish grey upholstered chairs standing about it, and in a corner +was a comfortable iron bed. + +"If you had it, of course, the bed would have to be removed," explained +Mr. Dehnicke. + +It was really remarkable how well the apartment suited her purposes. + +They returned to the drawing-room. Lilly was struck by something she had +not observed before. A long picture in an ornate carved frame hung over +the sofa, forming, as it were, the centre about which all the rest of +the furnishings were grouped. But the picture itself was concealed +beneath a curtain of lavender crape. + +"What's that?" Lilly asked. + +Mr. Dehnicke shrugged his shoulders and pointed to the top of the +secretaire, where a photograph, the only ornament there, had the same +mysterious veil. + +Seized with curiosity Lilly tried slightly to raise the lower end of the +covering over the large picture. + +"I wonder whether I may," she queried timidly, as if about to commit a +theft. + +"If you have the courage," he replied, apparently breathing a little +more heavily than usual. + +She tugged--tugged more violently--the crape fell off--and before her +hung her friend and betrothed, Walter von Prell! There he stood in the +uniform of his former regiment, boldly and carelessly dashed off in +crayon. + +Lilly's knees trembled. Cold shivers ran through her body. She refused +to believe, to understand. Then she felt Mr. Dehnicke take her hand and +draw her to the outside hall. + +He lit a match. + +On the porcelain plate she now read what she had previously been unable +to decipher: + + Lilly Czepanek + Pressed Flower Studio + +She uttered a cry, rushed back into the drawing-room, threw herself in +the corner of the sofa, and wept the hot, blissful tears of desire and +yearning that had so long been repressed. + +When she ventured to look up again, she saw Mr. Dehnicke waiting before +her, modest and correct, with his sober, serious face. + +She was ashamed of herself for being so happy; and full of qualms she +held her hand out to him gratefully. + +"May I hope that in my capacity of Walter's representative I have +chanced in a measure to satisfy your taste?" + +There was no more thought of refusing. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +The mottled golden tops of the chestnuts grew paler, the gaps ever wider +that the autumn ate into the foliage. Where a soothing green had cut off +the view, now glittered the bright wavelets of the canal. Long barges, +laboriously pushed by poles, trailed along in their cumbersome fashion, +and the shaggy watchdogs barked up at the aristocratic windows. + +Grey, rainy days came stealing upon the city like an enemy, and +loneliness laid its octopus clutch on Lilly's breast. + +But her work! Yes, she had her work. So long as the first infatuation +had lasted and Lilly felt she might hope for some realisation of her +plans, she had clung to her work day and night. + +But the hoped-for turn of events never came. The announcements she had +had printed remained unheeded. Mr. Dehnicke, sole purchaser of her +goods, begged her--with a hesitating, embarrassed manner, to be sure, +yet explicitly enough--not to be hasty, since the general state of the +market was dull. + +By degrees her zest in her profession began to languish. She gave up +going to Mr. Kellermann for lessons, especially since his insistence +upon setting free his "chained beauty" grew steadily more annoying. She +locked the half-filled sample closets and completed none but the pieces +Mr. Dehnicke ordered. + +Oh, those dark, pitiless days, which no laughter brightened, no waiting +shortened, and no purpose bound together. + +The kitchen was ruled by a young maid, ever silent, whose eyes were +greedy and too knowing. Each morning, while the little canary peeped, +the fish were given fresh water. + +It was somewhat better in the evening when the lights were lit and the +crystal chandelier radiated a brilliant white light. Lilly would then +wander from room to room changing the position of this or that ornament +and constantly reassuring herself how beautifully she lived and how +happy she was. + +But of what avail was the old rose carpet with its vague vine pattern, +the wine-coloured furniture, and the bronze bodies looking as if a +golden breath had blown over them? Those bronze bodies whose innermost +being after all was nothing more than a zinc alloy, having originated in +the factory of Liebert & Dehnicke. Of what avail the charming secretaire +and the writing paper with the golden coronet stamped on it, of which +Mr. Dehnicke had immediately ordered five hundred sheets? There was +nobody to rejoice with her, nobody whom her longing brought to her side. + +She would often seat herself at the piano and let her fingers stray over +the keys. But she did not get the pleasure out of playing that she had +anticipated. Her father's discipline had long lost its effects. She had +forgotten the pieces she had once known by heart, and she lacked the +calm and patience to learn all over again. + +Yes, it was strange what disquiet would seize her the instant she +touched the keys, a feeling of dread, an anticipation of impending +danger, a consciousness of her own unworthiness. + +She could not keep on; she had to shut down the lid and take to +wandering again from room to room until her legs wearied and ten o'clock +summoned her to bed. + +In those joyless, unoccupied days, a piercing, stinging desire for man +awoke in her, causing her nerves to tingle and a sweet, tormenting +shudder to thrill her body. + +The whole of the two long years her senses had been mute. Tears of +regret had drowned that which the colonel's senile depravity had +enkindled, and the weeks of love with Walter von Prell had fanned into +lively flames. Drowned it forever, it seemed. But there it stood again, +transporting and shaming and refusing to be silenced by prayers or +reproach. + +Often she felt she would have to run out on the street just to catch the +glance of any stranger--as in the Dresden days--and see desire flare up +in eyes veiled with yearning. + +But the people she might encounter on the street were rough and common. +The mere thought of them made her tremble. + +The only time she went out was to visit her former landlady. + +The walk lasted a full hour, and before she had reached her former home, +many a naive admirer, many a keen _boulevardier_, had bobbed up beside +her and tried to enter into a pleasant conversation. She always ran to +the other side of the street, shaking herself. Sometimes, yes, +sometimes, she would have liked to reply. + +When she lay in bed with closed eyes, she dreamed of strong-willed, +sharply cut men's faces, to which she looked up in yielding happiness. + +She often dreamed, too, of Mr. Dehnicke, good, sound, loyal Mr. +Dehnicke. + +If he were to come to her some day and falter in that guilty way of his +which she liked so well: "I love you inordinately, and want you to +marry me," what would she say to him? + +Each time she thought this a furtive sense of comfort stole over her. + +As for the man who by full right stood closest to her, she never dreamed +of him. Sometimes, it is true, when her longings did not know where to +strike root, those anxious yet blissful November nights would recur to +her. But the part of hero might have been played by any other man as +well as Walter. + +Walter himself had grown to be a sort of tyrannical conscience with her. + +She loved him--of course! How could she help loving him? He was her +"betrothed," and he was working for her. But sometimes, when she stood +in front of the sofa and felt his cold, blue eyes resting upon her +haughtily and masterfully, and she recalled the sorry, inconstant little +fellow he actually had been, she felt a desire to shake off everything +that came from him and held her under a spell, as one tries to rid +oneself of a preposterous nightmare. + +If only Mr. Dehnicke had not kept alluding to him with so much devotion +and respect, treating himself as the modest agent, who would have to +render account to his dear friend, when that dear friend would return in +honour and glory. + +Mr. Dehnicke came punctually twice a week to inquire after her health +and drink tea. He would leave in time to reach his office before it was +closed for the day. These scant hours were always a festival for her. + +What wonder? She had no one beside him. He was the only person who bound +her to the rest of the world and brought incident and interest into her +life. + +She spent hours in fixing up the tea table, in trying different ways of +lighting the room, in arranging the flowers, and standing before the +mirror--for him. + +When he came at last and sat opposite her, they conversed long and +seriously about the cares that oppressed him, the plans he was revolving +in his mind, his disgust at the artists who considered it a disgrace to +work for the trade, and did so only if the pistol was held to their +heads, and then disdainfully, clenching their teeth; his trashy +competitors, who built palaces in order to throw dust in the eyes of the +buyers, and who thereby had forced him to transform his good old +business place in accordance with modern ideas of decoration. + +Most distressing of all was his clientele. The artistic ideals of the +metropolis in a measure made a moral demand upon him to go over to the +secession and place on the market long-necked, narrow-hipped bodies in +distorted attitudes. The real public, however, the well-intentioned +public with purchasing power, would have nothing to do with all that +rubbish. It clung to knights and high-born dames, to maidens plucking +flowers or carrying water, to fighting stags and swinging monkeys. So he +stood between the devil and the deep sea. On the one hand was the danger +that people would ridicule him as old-fashioned, on the other hand, the +danger of losing most of his old hereditary customers. So he had to +steer carefully along a middle course, and that was extremely difficult. + +He also spoke frequently of the factory, with its hundreds of +industrious hands, who laboured day after day for the prosperity of the +house; and of the alterations being made in his yard and sample room, +which, to judge by the architect's plans and the sum he calculated they +would cost, would produce something worth seeing. + +But what doesn't competition force a man to do? + +Lilly listened with shining eyes. + +She shared in all his activities. She wanted to see everything and +experience it with him, not only the renovation of the sample room, but +also the doings in the factory with its machines, its clatter of wheels, +its hissing of flames, and screeching of files. She never wearied of +questioning. She had to know how the workmen looked and behaved, their +wages, their lot in life, and what became of them. She felt that there +in his factory was real existence, while her life was nothing but a +dull, idle waking dream. + +"Oh, how happy you must be," she often cried out admiringly, "to have so +many souls in your keeping!" + +"If the whole bunch of them didn't keep you in a stew all the time," he +rejoined. + +But she would not admit the qualification. + +He was certainly a beneficent god to them all, she said, even if he did +not feel it himself. He must be, because of his power and his good +heart. + +Mr. Dehnicke gladly listened to such expressions. While she was speaking +he would jump up abruptly, as if seized by a mighty, revolutionary idea, +pace up and down the room excitedly, then stop in front of her and stare +down at her with a dark solicitous look in his eyes, apparently unable +to reach some great decision against which he was struggling. + +Lilly pretended not to notice his behaviour, though she knew exactly +what was fermenting in his soul. + +"Let him alone, don't help him," she thought. "He must do whatever he +wants to do of his own impulse. Otherwise he will bear me a grudge." + +If only there hadn't been that hateful sense of duty toward Walter, +which, like herself, Mr. Dehnicke probably felt only in part, and +shammed as a matter of decorum. + +There was something else that gave her qualms. Although he had promised +to, he had never fulfilled the wish she had expressed to see his +factory. + +However, he spoke openly of his mother, and did not shrink from +confessing how greatly she had influenced him, though Lilly could read +into his words that he wished for more freedom to develop his powers. +When his father had died twelve years before, he had been a minor, and +had had to yield to his mother's guidance. The old lady continued to +maintain her authority. Dehnicke discussed each undertaking with her, +and if she approved, it was executed, even if he did not concur. + +Lilly felt a dull terror arise within her of that old lady who sat +commandingly in her arm-chair behind those respectable porcelain flower +pots, and directed the conduct of so powerful a man as Lilly's +benefactor. + +Her heart would contract when she imagined her first meeting with the +old lady. + + * * * * * + +Before Christmas Lilly had more work to do. Two dozen transparencies had +been ordered and had to be completed before the holidays. 24x30=720. +Well, she could see ahead again. + +For the first time in four years she forgot to send her mother a +Christmas gift. To compensate, she made a particularly "poetic" lamp +shade and had it delivered anonymously to Mr. Dehnicke's mother the day +before Christmas. She herself did not know why she did this. Perhaps it +was a sort of propitiatory offering, such as timid souls were wont to +sacrifice to unknown gods as an expiation for unknown sins. + +Counting upon her friend's coming, though by no means certain he would, +she had made a little heap of her gifts for him, and at the fall of dusk +with throbbing heart began to listen for the ring of the door bell. + +Her fears were idle. At half past five he appeared loaded with parcels. +He had displayed tact in his choice of the simple presents--things she +still needed in the apartment, a few embroidered collars, a boa, because +she had to be careful of her sables, and a few little pieces from his +factory to adorn the empty top of her secretaire. At each of her +exclamations of delight he protested mildly. The things really came from +Walter, as she knew. + +"And what comes from you?" she asked. + +"Nothing," he replied, turning his palms upward. + +"I know of something you could give me that Walter has nothing to do +with." + +"What's that?" + +"Show me your factory." + +This time he did not evade her request. A date was immediately set--the +first workday after New Year, when everything would be in running order +again. + +Then Mr. Dehnicke added with an embarrassed air: + +"But please wear something dark and simple." + +"Why?" asked Lilly, frightened. "Do I usually dress conspicuously?" She +felt as if some one had boxed her ears. + +"Oh, not that. But your good clothes might be soiled." + + * * * * * + +On January the second at about noon Lilly stood in front of the house in +Alte Jakobstrasse, which she had not seen since she had paid Mr. +Dehnicke that memorable first visit in his office. + +"It has almost turned out to be a path of destiny after all," she +thought, and looked up furtively at the porcelain flower pots in the +second story windows. She started. It seemed to her a white head had +moved behind the lace curtains. + +"That smacks of a guilty conscience," she thought, and with awed, +sidelong glances walked past the door that opened upon the broad, +laurel-lined staircase which her unworthy feet might never tread until +she had been received into the circle of bourgeois virtue. + +But the carriage gate stood hospitably open. The scaffolding had been +removed, and the imitation marble of walls and columns shone +challengingly in their variegated colours. The magnificence of the +courtyard beyond oppressed her heart again. + +The office building had also undergone changes. The dun-coloured plaster +had given place to a broad sandstone facade adorned by the busts of +eminent artists; and gilded railings gleamed where once the +sorry-looking iron staircase had been. + +There was her friend hurrying down the steps to meet her. + +Despite the stinging cold he wore no hat. In holding out his hand to her +he cast a furtive look of scrutiny at all the windows. It seemed he, +too, had a guilty conscience. + +He first led her to the sample room. Its brand-new magnificence exceeded +her boldest expectations. Columned halls with coffered ceilings +stretched out in a long vista as in a museum. There were endless rows of +tables and cases, on which, gleaming with gold and silver lights, +sparkling with crystal prisms, glowing with the hot red of copper, or +shading off softly into the light green of the patina, stood thousands +of works of German art and industry, "imitation bronzes," destined to +fill the show windows of shops and carry the semblance of display-loving +prosperity into the huts of the poor. + +There were corpulent begging friars, dancing gypsy girls clad in +boleros, ogling dandies, postillions blowing horns, pecking chickens, +dogs fetching game, calenders set in horse-shoe frames, cigar clips in +the shape of little champagne bottles; tall pelicans holding lamps in +their bills; figurines of men and women stretching up their arms, just +as in Mr. Kellermann's studio, though here not aimlessly, since they +bore aloft vases, candelabra and bowls. There were arbours screening +love couples, with red electric bulbs hidden in the foliage; brownies +beside shining mushrooms, sea shells to serve as ash trays, snakes +writhing about the chalices of flowers, or about porcelain eggs, or +copper dice. The whole pitifulness of a vulgar sense of art seemed to +have crept into this glittering conglomeration and been concentrated +there ready to scatter to all quarters of the globe. + +When Lilly gave her friend a questioning or astonished look because of +some monstrosity, he shrugged his shoulders and observed: + +"That's what the people want." + +Despite some dissatisfaction with what she saw Lilly could have walked +up and down for hours amid all that sparkle. She felt she belonged there +by right. Had she been asked for her opinion she would have said without +a moment's reflection: "Throw this away, and this, and this." But nobody +appealed to her judgment, and everything went its way without her. + +Mr. Dehnicke then took her to the factory. + +Unfortunately the foundry, in which the basic part of all the work is +done, happened just then to be closed. Through an open window Lilly saw +the black gaping depths of the hearths, about which dirty troughs were +standing, and over all, over chimney-hoods and vessels, a thick layer of +ashes. + +They descended a flight of dirty steps and passed through damp rooms +smelling of all sorts of poisons, where rows of mighty vats stood filled +with vile fluids, and elderly men bustled about, who looked like sombre +scholars, whereas they were nothing more than mere labourers. At Lilly's +entrance they cast a look of surprise at her then concerned themselves +about her no further. And they did not greet their employer. + +"This is the galvanising room," explained Mr. Dehnicke, and continued as +they walked past the vats, "The nickle bath, steel bath, silver bath, +and so on." + +Up in a loft surrounded by an iron netting, the wheels of a machine +whirled, and vari-coloured electric bulbs glittered among them. + +"That's where the electric current is generated which goes through the +different baths." + +Lilly did not understand, but she enjoyed the inconceivable rapidity +with which the wheels span around and the buzzing sound they made. + +In the room where the chasing was done many men stood at long tables +industriously at work smoothing down the unevennesses of the cast metal, +and preparing the separate parts of an ornament for joining. The joining +was done in the next room, where the flames of the blowpipes darted and +hissed and little clouds of metallic vapour shot sparks into the air. At +each workman's place lay small heaps of burnished limbs, which made one +feel sorry for the truncated body from which they seemed to have been +severed. + +In the next room the thinner parts were beaten into shape in iron dies. +It was here that the flowers and foliage were made, the ribbons and +vines and arabesques, everything that curled and dangled daintily. The +workingmen looked all the coarser and unwieldier by contrast. They +scarcely glanced up when Lilly and Mr. Dehnicke entered, and continued +to hammer as if stupefied into dealing those blows. + +Lilly had a keener eye for the appearance and bearing of the men than +for the work they turned out. She made comparisons, decided who was well +off and who in distress, who took pleasure in his work and who went +through the day's toil doggedly, because driven to it by need. Each shop +had its peculiar physiognomy. In one the majority looked fresh and +agile, in another galled and weary. + +And now, as often before when Mr. Dehnicke had spoken to her of his +employes, a senseless desire arose in Lilly to watch over the fate of +all these people, help where help was necessary, bring sunshine to the +gloomy, and relief to the suffering. But she took good care not to +acquaint Mr. Dehnicke with her absurd ideas. + +"Now we will see the most delicate of all the operations," said Mr. +Dehnicke. "It is putting on the patina, which gives the pieces their +real style." + +He opened the door to the next shop, and the smell of a thousand poisons +again assailed Lilly's nostrils. + +Here there were women at work also, side by side with the men. They +applied varnish and acids and brushed and rubbed. They looked sallow and +jaded. At Lilly's entrance they were so taken aback that they dropped +their brushes and cloths and stared at her in utter astonishment. + +"One would have to begin with these to win the confidence of all," Lilly +thought, and gave them a cordial nod. + +But they seemed to take her greeting as mockery or blame, and turned +back to their work with a grimace well-nigh scornful. + +In the packing room, where women and children were employed exclusively, +Lilly's appearance produced a happier impression. The girls laughed and +whispered, and nudged one another with their elbows. + +The only one who paid no attention to her was a pregnant woman, who +seemed to find it difficult to keep from sinking to the floor. She held +her drooping lips tightly compressed and a vivid red spotted her cheeks. +Nevertheless her arms moved in feverish haste wrapping one paper wisp +after the other about the limbs of the figure standing on the table in +front of her, and inclining now to the right, now to the left under her +manipulations. + +Lilly led Mr. Dehnicke aside and asked: + +"May I give her something?" + +"She's being provided for," he replied, unpleasantly affected, it +seemed. He quickly opened another door. + +"This leads to the store room, where the pieces are kept until sold, +with the exception, of course, of those which are made to order." + +Lilly looked down a dimly lighted corridor, from which the cold air blew +upon her. On the shelves and stands stood endless rows of phantom +beings, shapeless in their grey paper envelopes. + +"Oh, how queer," said Lilly, shivering a little, and preparing to walk +along the narrow passageway. The very same instant, however, she noticed +her friend start as in fright, and cast a helpless look about him. Then +he stepped in front of her and blocked the way. + +"What's the matter?" asked Lilly, surprised. + +He turned colour and said: + +"We had better not go in there. We'll go somewhere else. Besides, +there's nothing to look at there, not a thing. You yourself see there +isn't." + +He planted himself squarely in front of her, so that she could not +possibly look down the long line of shelves. + +This, of course, merely heightened her curiosity. + +"But I would like to," she said, and assumed the over-bearing, haughty +expression with which she was wont to get her way with him. + +"No, no," he burst out hastily. "It's a business secret. I mayn't +betray it to a soul. Even the employes are not allowed to come here. +Really I can't permit it." + +"Then you shouldn't have brought me here at all," said Lilly, feeling +insulted; and she turned back. + +He poured forth excuses, grew hoarse with excitement, and coughed and +choked. Then he led her back over the resplendent mosaic of the yard to +the gateway with its imitation marble columns, through which a chilly +draught was blowing. + +"You will catch a cold," said Lilly to hasten her departure. + +His face lighted up with a brilliant idea. + +"Besides, you know," he said, "the store room wasn't heated." + +"You should have thought of that sooner," rejoined Lilly, holding out +her hand with a smile of partial reconciliation. She was really sorry +for him in his helpless solicitude. + +Nevertheless she continued to feel hurt. And a bit disturbed. The day +she had been looking forward to so happily for months had ended in a +discord. + +And no matter how much she pressed him later, Mr. Dehnicke refused to +tell her what mystery lay concealed in his store room. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +Lilly began to ail. She suffered from headaches, heart-burn, lassitude, +insomnia and occasional attacks of vertigo. + +The physician, called in at Mr. Dehnicke's insistence, was one of those +extremely busy men who make the rounds of numberless houses a day. First +he took a good look at the apartment--a setting he seemed to know--then, +upon a cursory examination, prescribed social distractions, walks, and +iron, much iron. + +Social distractions had to be dispensed with; there was no opportunity +for them. Taking walks was not so easy either. Lilly did not care to +stroll about alone, and Mr. Dehnicke, the only person to accompany her, +preferred not to be seen on the street with her too frequently. In +order, he said, not to compromise her, though in all likelihood the +truth was, he feared becoming conspicuous by appearing in public with +that exotic, flowerlike beauty. + +For no matter what happened, no matter that trouble, want and all sorts +of humiliations swept over her, no matter that boredom and displeasure +with herself crushed her spirits, Lilly's appearance never lost thereby. + +On the contrary, the delicate milky whiteness of her cheeks, which +before had been a golden brown, lent her a new, soft charm. The great, +narrow, long-lashed eyes with the heavily drooping lids--those +improbable Lilly eyes--now had a weary, languishing brilliance, as if +they veiled all the painful riddles of the universe. Moreover, the last +year had given back to her the slim, regal figure of her maiden days and +taken away the womanly peacefulness it had acquired at Lischnitz. No +wonder that many a head turned after her and many an appreciative, +envious glance was sent askance at her companion, who was considerably +shorter than she. + +Mr. Dehnicke was aware of all this, and being a staid, respectable +business man, and not wishing to be the object of gossip, he preferred +to stay indoors with her. + +About the middle of February she received an invitation by mail from Mr. +Kellermann, whom she had not seen for several months. + + GREAT CARNIVAL + KELLERMANN STUDIO + + Magic Lantern Show, Flirtation, Opportunity for Crimes + Passionels, Cream Kisses, and other Attractions + +That seemed like distraction enough, and Mr. Dehnicke, who, it happened, +had also been invited, was so energetic in his persuasions that he +finally conquered her timidity and induced her to go. + +But when the day for the carnival came Lilly was seized by a great dread +of it, and at the last moment felt like withdrawing from her engagement. + +She saw herself running the gauntlet of a gaping crowd of sardonic +sneerers, who whispered the story of her rise and fall behind her back. +She saw herself neglected and avoided, the object of derisive side +glances. She passed through all the tortures of the declassees, who must +drag through life with the mark of the sinner caught in the act branded +on their brows. + +She chose the most beautiful of her Dresden dresses, which in the two +years had grown to be the very height of fashion. It was a white Empire +gown embroidered with gold vines. She arranged a narrow bracelet in her +hair like a diadem, and loosely laid over her head an oriental veil shot +with threads of gold. In case of need it would serve to conceal the +bareness of her bosom. When she had completed her toilet, she seemed to +herself so repulsive and conspicuous that this alone was sufficient +ground for not showing herself. + +She did not venture to cherish a faint hope until her friend came to +fetch her. He saw her, and held on to the door knob, uttering a slight +cry of astonishment. + +"Am I all right?" she asked with a diffident laugh, which entreated +encouragement. + +Instead of replying he ran up and down the room breathing heavily and +choking over inarticulate words--a mute language which Lilly immediately +understood. + +While sitting beside him in the coupe, she succumbed to another attack +of dread. + +"You will stay right next to me, won't you?" she implored. "You won't +leave me, and you won't let a stranger speak to me, will you?" + +He promised all she wanted. + +Four flights up--a way she well knew. + +The landing outside Mr. Kellermann's door was filled with clothes-racks, +on which awe-inspiring furs and humiliating lace mantles hung. + +She clung to his arm. + +Now to her ruin! + +The large anteroom, into which not a single ray of light penetrated in +the daytime, and which Mr. Kellermann used as a kitchen, bedroom and +dining-room, had been converted into a sort of fairy forest. +Vari-coloured Chinese lanterns swung on the branches of pine trees, and +in their dim red glow several couples sat smiling and whispering on +narrow bamboo benches. They were so absorbed in themselves that they +paid little heed to the new arrivals. + +All the more animated was Lilly's reception in the studio, which was +filled with a bright, glittering mass of humanity. A general "ah," then +absolute silence. A passageway naturally formed itself, down which the +couple seemed to be expected to pass. Lilly made a gesture, as if to +hide behind her friend. But he reached only up to her nose. + +At the same instant Mr. Kellermann came hurrying up to them. He wore a +brown velvet costume consisting of a jacket, knee-length breeches, and a +Phrygian cap. Everybody, in fact, wore what seemed to him original and +becoming. + +"Welcome, goddess, queen!" he cried in a voice for the entire company to +hear; and since nothing better occurred to him, he pressed kisses on her +gloved arm from wrist to elbow. + +Then he begged to be allowed to show her the incomparable arrangements +of his new court of love. She followed him, whispering to her friend to +be sure to remain at her side. + +Electric lights had been hung in the open air directly over the +skylight, converting it into a many-coloured, starry heaven. On looking +up one really thought a thousand little suns were shining down from out +of the night. + +Rugs and ivy vines divided the left side, where the gable roof sloped +downward, into a number of small arbours, the entrance of each of which +was hung with gaily coloured bead portieres. And over each hung a great +printed placard bearing a highly suggestive inscription. + +The first was called "Arbour of Lax Morality." Lilly turned a startled +look upon her guide, who observed with a smile: + +"That's only the beginning, meant for bread-and-butter-misses and little +afternoon-tea-souls like you." And added: + + "This is but an intimation + Of more wicked adjuration," + +while he pointed to the second entrance, the inscription over which +read: "Arbour of Wicked Vows." + +"Oh, dreadful!" she cried in righteous dismay. Kellermann rolled with +laughter. + +She could not help reading the next two signs, "Arbour of the Right to +Motherhood" and "Arbour of the Cry for Man," but she said nothing more. + +There were two more divisions, a "Powder Room" and an "Arbour of +Perversity." This she did not understand. + +"Now we'll go to the Criminal Side," said Mr. Kellermann, and led her +diagonally across the room, making way for her among the people, who at +her approach began to nod and hum and buzz, but with no trace of malice +or contempt. The very reverse. It was an ovation, a suppressed +demonstration of her triumph. + +Her breast expanded. A faint, humble sensation of happiness stole over +her body like hot wine. She threw back her scarf. She no longer needed +to feel ashamed of her bare throat and shoulders. In the looks turned +upon her she read that no one would scoff at her. + +She did not succeed in reaching the Criminal Side. So many gentlemen +wanted to be presented to her that Mr. Kellermann had all he could do +telling off their names. + +From now on the carnival became something absolutely unreal, a dream +land, a fairy meadow, on which strange, large-eyed flowers were blooming +and sweet scents set heads a-reeling, and a haze sparkled with red suns; +where people laughed and jested and whispered, where bold, unheard-of +compliments floated in the air, and everything existed for Lilly to +caress and admire and love. + +Yes, she loved them all, the men and the women, as soon as she met them. +They were all good, noble souls, scintillating with delightful conceits +and ready to perform friendly services. Each awakened a new hope, each +brought a new joy. + +She felt how her cheeks glowed, what blissful intoxication was burning +in her eyes. And he at whom she looked with those eyes would quiver, and +respond with a gleam from his own, which seemed to be the reflection of +her happiness. + +That was no longer another strange Lilly, who laughed and returned jest +with jest and went from arm to arm with a faint pang of regret. That was +she herself, doubly, triply herself. + +Sometimes, when a gentleman became too bold in his talk, when an +unlicenced _double entendre_ seemed to lurk behind a joke, and Lilly +became nervous and did not know what to say and involuntarily looked +around for help, she always found her friend somewhere near at hand, +glancing over at her as if by mere chance. + +That gave her a delicious sense of peace, a consciousness of being cared +for and hidden away, so that she could be even merrier than before, and +need not take offence at audacities. + +Once she overheard behind her: + +"Who's the lucky dog who has her for his mistress?" + +The answer was: + +"A little polished Mr. Snooks. There he stands." + +This made her stop and think a moment, though she could not know to whom +it referred. But in the whirl of incidents it soon passed from her mind. + +Oh, what people she met! + +There were young blades in dress suits and white flowered waistcoats, +who paid her mad court, and asked, as if casually, though their +eagerness was visible under the nonchalance of their exterior: "What is +your day at home?" + +Alas, she had no day at home. She lived a very retired life. + +There were sombre philosophers, who agonised over the world's pain, wore +very long hair and monstrous neckties. They spoke to Lilly of "spiritual +high pressure" and the "specific gravity of related individualities," +themes which did Lilly's soul good. One of them kept addressing her as +"Your Excellency." When she asked him why, he looked staggered and said +he had heard she was--then he broke off and substituted the paltry joke +that she so "excelled" all the women present he could find no more +suitable title. + +One of the men was an exuberant old high liver, whose name she had read +with awe on many a beautiful picture. She would rather have kissed the +hem of his garment than see him dance about her comically trying to be +youthful. + +There were many others who aroused her curiosity; but she could learn +nothing of their rank or character. + +The company even boasted a real prince, a pale, blond, very young man, +who did not venture to ask to be introduced to Lilly, because his love +was always in threatening proximity. So he kept making detours about +her. + +The women, of course, were more distant than the men, though those of +them who came to make her acquaintance gave themselves up to her with +effusive warmth. + +One was a beautiful, voluptuous brunette with unsteady, glowing eyes and +a smile betokening wild abandon. + +"We must get to know each other," she said. "I will introduce you to my +friend, and later we'll take supper together like a cosy little family." + +Another was an extremely slim young woman with bright blue eyes, who +towered above most of the men. She wandered through the throng serene +and unconcerned in a long, white silk secession robe, looking like a +phantom. She spoke without moving her head and smiled without drawing +her lips. She had come from Denmark to study painting and at the same +time "live life," as she expressed it. + +"Who are you?" she asked Lilly. "You are different from the rest. The +woman who comes here and does not want to be swept along in the current +must have strong arms." + +She boldly threw back the wide sleeves of her gown as far as her +shoulders and exposed two lily-white, wonderfully curved arms, gleaming +like marble pillars. + +Thereupon she wandered further. + +The third was an extremely light-haired, very elegant woman, no longer +young. Her pretty, good-humoured face was tanned by the open air. With a +merry flash of her eyes she held out her hand to Lilly, as if they were +old acquaintances. + +"Oh, how sweet and lovely you are!" she said softly. "We have all flown +here and don't know how. But where do _you_ come from? My name is ----" +she mentioned the name of a great musician who in Kilian Czepanek's home +had been revered as semi-divine. + +"Yes, Welter's former wife--that's who I am," she added gaily, and +turned to the gentleman on whose arm she had walked up to Lilly. + +"Another general's wife, like myself," thought Lilly, looking after her. + +There were some married couples, too; for the most part extremely young +and extravagantly clad, who at first kept together timidly and looked +about with great, astonished eyes, and later frolicked about like +monkeys set at liberty. One couple seemed to have been dragged to the +carnival as a practical joke. The husband was a genuine complacent +beery German, the wife, a good, corpulent, black-silk creature. The man, +Lilly was told, was the landlord of the house, a well-to-do baker, who +had been invited to the carnival as a reward for good-naturedly having +permitted his fourth floor to be turned topsy-turvey. But the couple by +no means felt nervous or out of place. They made coarse, clumsy jokes, +and were always surrounded by a group of laughing auditors. + +About ten o'clock--Lilly had just been entangled by one of the +long-haired and linenless in a profound discussion of false human +values--when all of a sudden a sort of cry of wrath was raised, issuing +at first from only one or two throats, then swelling to a loud thunder. +Lilly distinguished the words "hunger" and "fodder." + +Mr. Kellermann's pacifying voice resounded to still the clamour. An +accident, he said, had occurred to interrupt the spreading of the bread +of which each guest would receive a piece--a poor devil of an artist +couldn't afford a more abundant repast. He had hurriedly sent across the +street for what was missing, and would the gentlemen please content +themselves until it arrived? As for those who were _very_ hungry and did +not worry about the taking of human life, the hosts had provided arsenic +sandwiches and strychnine tarts, which were to be found in the closet +marked "Poisons." + +The whole assemblage made a dash for the Criminal Side, where for the +sake of the _crimes passionels_ a whole arsenal of deadly instruments +had been prepared. Gallows dangled from the ceiling, ladders led down to +abysses, and a cannon was discharged. The company immediately snatched +the poisonous sandwiches from the sideboard, and sometimes even absolute +strangers offered one another "a bite," like school children. + +Then came the regular supper. + +A buffet had been set up among the pines in the anteroom, piled mountain +high with all sorts of goodies, Yorkshire hams, cold game, lobster, +sliced salmon, and heaven knows what else. So stormy was the onslaught +on that buffet--which, providentially had been placed against a +wall--that the forest of pines gave way. Twigs flew about, branches +broke, and a mass of laughing, cursing creatures rolled among the +overturned tree-boxes. + +Somebody had a brilliant idea--chuck the whole forest down stairs. +Forthwith the Chinese lanterns were extinguished, and despite the +protestations of the landlord, who feared for the sleep of his other +tenants, tree after tree went crashing down the steps and piled up at +the bottom. + +The ladies' light dresses were completely strewn with pine needles, pine +needles settled in their hair and on their bosoms. The whole place +smelled of Christmas. + +One could hardly enjoy eating for all the laughing. + +Besides, there were not enough chairs and tables for everybody. So, to +be able at least to balance the plate on their laps, they sat crowded +close up against one another on the stairs, where the company was fed +from above downward each time fresh provisions were procured from the +buffet and brought out into the hall. + +Some enterprising pioneers even climbed up on the heap of pine trees and +swayed on the springy branches like birds. Benevolent souls on the upper +landing handed them their food on forks tied to walking sticks. + +Lilly, fairly sick with laughter, sat on one of the steps quite +surrounded by strange gentlemen, all of whom wanted to be fed by her. +She was in such a state of beatitude that she wished her life might end +with the carnival. If she had any care in the world, it was to see to +it that the gentlemen about her got enough to eat. + +The last of the refreshments were the cream kisses promised on the +invitation. They swung on long strings from the ceiling, and each guest +had to snap like a dog for his portion. If anyone used his hands he was +rapped over the knuckles. + +This sport, which at first created fresh storms of folly, soon had to be +relinquished because the cream dropped on the ladies' dresses. Lilly's +Empire gown was also stained, but the instant the cream fell on it one +of the gentlemen kneeled and sucked the spot away. + +When a trumpet blast summoned the company back to the studio, everybody +was unhappy, Lilly in especial. + +But when she saw her friend again, whom she had quite forgotten, she +quickly took comfort. Pressing against his arm and beaming with delight +she reported to him amid gurgles of laughter all she had experienced in +the meantime. + +Now, it seemed to her, she again saw the looks of those who passed her +fastened on her face in strange seriousness, betokening something like +compassion. But she had too much to relate to give those strange looks +much thought. + +The speeches now began. Lilly begged her friend to stay at her side. She +had romped enough, she said, and needed something "homey." + +He pressed his arm against hers gratefully. + +"Why are you trembling so?" she asked in surprise. + +"Oh, nothing," he replied lightly. + +The first of the speakers was one of the long-haired, linenless, sombre +ones. Something weighty and solemn, like a hymn, was to usher in the +numbers on the program. + +He recited an ode entitled "Super-Smoke," in which such words as +"sublime mist" rhymed with "amethyst," and "super-desire" with +"passionate fire." + +Lilly understood not a word, though the poem must have been very +beautiful, because at the conclusion the gentlemen burst into wild +applause. "Bravo! Bravo! Super-smoke! More Super-smoke!" + +The sombre poet, who naturally interpreted these exclamations as a call +for "_da capo_," bowed and felt flattered and started off again: +"Super-Smoke, an Ode." + +He found he was in for it. "Enough, enough," came from all sides, and it +turned out that the gentlemen had merely wished to express their desire +for something smokeable in the language of super-men. + +The next to ascend the platform was a slim, very elegant gentleman with +a dark brown Van Dyke beard and a gleaming monocle. He had been +introduced to Lilly. Dr. Salmoni smiled sadly, and held his curved left +hand close to his nose to scrutinise his long nails. His intention, he +said was to draw up an intellectual inventory of the evening. For the +purpose he would make a few remarks as a basis of his "so-to-speak +destructive construction of this social heterogeneity." + +With that, a hail-storm of audacities and personalities came rattling +down on the heads of hosts and guests. + +Though Lilly understood only a fraction of what he said, she felt she +had to blush with shame for each person his ill-natured words hit. But, +strange to say, nobody took offence. On the contrary, each one upon +getting his raking tried to outdo the others in noisy applause. + +"What a happy world," thought Lilly, "where people have become +absolutely invulnerable and the most heinous sins simply add to their +honour." + +Her own misdeed, from which she had suffered so long as from a +festering sore, suddenly appeared something like a child's amiable +prank. + +"Was it idiocy in me to grieve so?" she asked herself, and pushed her +hips downward with her hands, as if to brush away all the old chains +from her limbs. + +The elegant doctor could deal in compliments also. Each of the lovely +women received her little bon-bon rolled in pepper. And when he spoke of +a lotos flower that had drifted there from fairyland and still seemed to +dread the glory of the new sun shining upon it, Lilly again saw all +glances turned upon her. + +"But let her take courage," Dr. Salmoni continued. "Should she need some +one to help her dreamily await the night, she may count, I feel certain, +upon every one of us." + +He was rewarded with the enthusiastic applause of all the gentlemen, and +Lilly did not even feel ashamed. + +Upon concluding, and after gathering in a harvest of praise from the +auditors, who crowded up to him--those who had gotten the hottest +"roast" were the most eager--he stepped to Lilly's side and said _sotto +voce_: + +"I beg your pardon most humbly for having mentioned you in the same +breath as this set. People on our level ought to have a tacit code; they +ought to understand each other without making bald declarations. But I +was tired of just cracking a whip. Besides, I may assure you, I don't +_always_ play the fool." + +He stuck his monocle in his waistcoat pocket and looked at Lilly with +his sharp grey eyes as if to tear her heart to tatters. + +"People on our level," he had said. Lilly felt flattered that so clever +and prominent a man should rank her with him. + +The next performer was a "minstrel," a mercurial, black young fellow, +who accompanied himself on the mandolin. He struck up a highly +sentimental ditty, like a troubadour's. + + The lady's name I will not cite, + Far purer she than the moonlight. + She is so chaste, she burns with shame + To hear the stork called by its name. + And if rash Eros bids you try + To steal a kiss, however shy, + Her face grows pale--Heaven forefend!-- + And stammers she: "Now this must end!" + +The second strophe, the temperature of which rose many degrees, ended +with the line: + + Quoth she: "Now cut it out! Now stop." + +And the third strophe, whose outrageous explicitness Lilly scarcely +ventured to understand, wound up with the French: + + _Tout ce que vous voulez, mais pas ca._ + +An endless round of clapping and shouting followed the song. + +Lilly was astonished, but did not resent it. She resented nothing any +more. Leaning back in her chair with half-closed eyes, she let the +lights, the sounds, the vulgarities, the laughter and applause pass as +in a dream. + +From time to time she looked around at her friend. + +He stood behind her, and smiled reassuringly, but said nothing. A +mottled red burned on his forehead, and his eyes were bloodshot. Perhaps +he had drunk too much champagne. As for herself, though she had taken +only a sip, her head was spinning dizzily. + +At two o'clock the speech-making ended. Now the final restraints were +thrust aside. The company romped madly, danced, kissed, drank, +quarrelled, and fought duels. Lovers stabbed themselves and were carried +out dead. The cannon shot off crackers. A thin, droll youngster clad in +a Greek gown, which an obliging model had lent him, stood in front of +the "Arbour of the Right to Motherhood," and held forth in a singing +falsetto. Science had shown, he said, by the results of artificial fish +culture that man as a factor in reproduction would soon be unnecessary. +At the entrance to the "Arbour of the Cry for Man" a small, wild person +with curly black hair had climbed on a chair and kept screaming "A +woman! A woman! A woman!" Into the "Arbour of Perversity" they had +pushed the baker and his corpulent better half, and each time the two +kissed on command a shout of laughter went up outside. + +Lilly's head was a-whirl with the tumult. Everything turned in a circle, +screeching, darting, hammering, like a series of painful flashes. + +"We'd better be going," Mr. Dehnicke's voice behind her advised. + +She arose and stretched her arms with a shiver. + +_That_ had been life! Life! Life! + +Then she followed him. + +Mr. Kellermann had noticed her leave, and furtively slipped up to her in +the hall. His open collar hung over his jacket, his cheeks were puffed +and shiny. He looked like a young Falstaff. + +He exchanged glances with Dehnicke, who nodded slightly, as if to say, +"It was all right," and went off in search of their wraps. + +The instant Mr. Dehnicke was lost among the overcoats, Mr. Kellermann +turned to Lilly and whispered: + +"The chained beauty, have you forgotten her entirely?" + +"Entirely," she replied with a languid smile. + +"You'll never come?" + +"Never." + +"And I tell you"--he led her to one side next to the banisters--"I tell +you, you _will_ come. When your own chains have cut into your flesh, and +you won't know--" + +Mr. Dehnicke returned with the wraps, and Mr. Kellermann became silent. + +Lilly was keyed up to too blissful a pitch to attach any significance to +these strange words, which sounded like a joke in the mouth of the +bacchic faun. + +She laughed at him. + + * * * * * + +The lightning flashes that had darted through her brain died down. +Leaning lightly against her friend's shoulder she walked airily down the +steps singing and swaying her hips. + +The whole world seemed to have passed into a soft, perfumed, chiming +twilight. Snow had fallen, and the moon was shining. + +Dehnicke's carriage was waiting. + +"Let us drive to the Tiergarten," Lilly suggested. She could not draw in +her fill of the invigorating, snowy air. + +She threw herself against the cushioned back of the brougham, and sang +and beat time with her feet. + +He sat in his corner quite still, looking out into the night. + +"Do say something," she cried. + +"What shall I say?" he rejoined, and sedulously looked past her with his +bleared eyes. + +They rolled silently along under the trees, from which every now and +then a little silver star was brushed into the carriage. + +Lilly sank into a drowsy state. + +"Oh," she whispered, seeking a prop for her head, "I could ride on this +way forever." + +Then, suddenly, it seemed to her that Walter's arm was clasping her +waist, and her left cheek was nestling comfortably against Walter's +neck, as once on blessed November nights. + +But--where did Walter come from all of a sudden? + +She started up and sank back, wide awake. + +No, that was not Walter. Now she knew exactly who it was. But her great +shame kept her from changing her position, and for a while she lay with +her eyes wide open listening to his heart. It throbbed even in his upper +arm. + +"And he will not ask the price which it is the custom in our country to +demand of beautiful women," was what Walter had written. + +He was demanding it after all. + +How contemptuously Walter would look down on her when she would turn on +the lights in her drawing-room half an hour later--Walter, whom +everybody, including the man into whose arms she had glided, considered +to be her betrothed; Walter, to whom she must be true as long as there +was salvation for her on earth. + +To be sure, it was heavenly to be lying there that way. She felt she had +a place in the universe. And how horrible that loneliness had been! But +now it availed nothing. + +Cautiously, as if fearing to hurt him, she withdrew from his arm and +pressed against the other side of the brougham. + +"Why didn't you stay?" he asked, stammering like a drunkard. "Weren't +you comfortable?" + +She shook her head. + +He repeated the question several times. She maintained silence. She felt +any word she might utter would entangle her still further. + +Then he clasped her hand, which hung down limply. + +"I mayn't," she whispered, extracting her hand from his. "And you +mayn't, either." + +"Why mayn't we?" + +"You will reproach yourself dreadfully later when you recall you are +responsible to him." + +"Whom?" he asked. + +"Whom? _Him._ Whom else? You always say you're nothing but his agent, +and--" + +A laugh, a hoarse, guilty laugh, interrupted her. He had folded his +hands across his knees, and he laughed and drew a deep breath and +laughed again, as one who has rid himself of a wearisome burden. + +A horrid certainty faced her. + +"Then all that wasn't true?" she faltered, staring at him. + +"Nonsense, perfect nonsense," he cried. "He wrote me _once_, before he +left for the United States. 'Look out for her. Don't let her go to the +dogs. She's too good for them.' Nothing else and never again. There! Now +you know it. Now I'm rid of it. I've had a hard enough time over it. But +what could I do? I had begun so I had to go on. There was no use--" + +He jerked up the window and leaned against it panting. + +Lilly wanted to ask, "Why did you do it?" but was afraid to. She knew +what was coming. One thing stood before her with horrible clearness: she +was in his hands beyond rescue. She lived in his house, spent his money, +saw the world with his eyes. She was what he had determined she should +be: his courtesan, his creature. + +The river! + +She tore at the brougham door, and set her right foot on the step, but +he pulled her back and shut the door again. + +"Be sensible," he commanded. "Keep your wits about you." + +She burst into a fit of weeping, piteous, harrowing, heartbreaking. She +had not shed such tears since the days of her divorce. She saw nothing +and heard nothing. Sometimes she seemed to catch the sound of his voice +as from a great, great distance. But she did not understand what he +said. Simply to cry, cry, cry, as if salvation lay in crying, as if fear +and distress would flow away with her tears. + +The brougham came to a stand. She felt herself being lifted out. He +carried the key in his pocket. + +Supported by him she stumbled up the steps and thought from time to +time: + +"Why, I was going to throw myself into the river." + +He led her to the sofa and turned on the lights of the chandelier. Then +he undid the buckle of her cloak and removed the veil from her hair. + +She lay there languidly, looking apathetically at the tablecloth. + +The bird awoke and peeped to her. + +"It's late," she heard Mr. Dehnicke say, "and the carriage is waiting. +But I can't leave you this way. I must vindicate myself. I want you to +know how everything happened." + +"It makes no difference," she said, shrugging her shoulders. + +"To me it does," he rejoined. "I don't want you to think I'm a rascal." + +"That makes no difference either," she thought. + +"I loved you," he began, "long before I knew you, when you were still +our colonel's wife." + +She looked up at him in surprise. + +As he stood there in his short, close-fitting dress suit, with a pale, +joyless, pleading face, uneasily plucking at the tablecloth, he who was +really master there, it seemed to her she was looking upon him for the +first time. + +"I had been called into service for the manoeuvres that summer," he +continued, "and the club was still full of you. Even the ladies of the +regiment talked of nothing else. There were ever so many pictures of +you, too, in circulation. Some of the men had snapped you on the sly. +The instant I saw you I should have recognised you, because I remembered +every feature. Yes, I may repeat with perfect truth, I loved you even +then. What's more, after Prell's letter came and you were to step into +my life, good Lord! what plans for winning you didn't I work out in +those one and a half years! Then at last you appeared and exceeded my +wildest fancies. But when I saw that in between you had become a _grande +dame_, and how devoted you were to Walter--you kept talking of him--I +lost my last hopes. Of course, I had never seriously counted upon +winning you, because, though I lay some stock in myself, I'm not really +self-assured--and besides--to have some one like you for a love--that's +more happiness than anyone can dream of." + +When he said "a love," passionate bitterness welled up within Lilly. + +"To have me for a wife," she thought, "_that_ is certainty more +happiness than anyone can dream of." + +She burst out laughing. + +He took her laugh as a sign of modest deprecation of his compliment, and +talked himself into greater enthusiasm. Did she think a single person in +all that company to-night was worthy of unlacing her shoe-ties? Did she +realise how immeasurably she was raised above everything bearing the +name woman? + +From out of her tear-stained eyes the question now candidly shone which +pride and shame forbade her to utter. + +He must have understood, because he paused suddenly, clapped his hand to +his forehead, looked agitated, and paced up and down the room, +suppressing sobs. She heard him murmur, "I can't--impossible--I can't." + +"Oh--if he can't," she thought, and stared at him with her cheeks +pressed between her hands. + +He halted in front of her, and tried to talk. But he could only choke +down half-articulated words, and he took to pacing the room again. + +Lilly caught snatches of words--"mother"--"never persuade her"--"must +give up the business." And again and again, "I can't--impossible--I +can't." + +"He's right," she thought. "A person like me--he really can't." And +feeling her renunciation was final she drew a deep breath, and +collapsed. + +He hastened to her, frightened; leaned over her, and wanted to stroke +her hands. But she shook him off. Since he could not find a word in +justification of his weak evasion, he took up the thread where Lilly's +tortured laugh had cut it off. + +"Remember one thing, dearest, dearest friend. I don't want anything for +myself--no reward--nothing. Long ago I gave up all wishes for myself, I +swear to you. The only thing I wanted was to draw you out of the hole +where you were being degraded into a proletarian. Oh, I know it from +experience. It lasts a few years--no more. They either go on the street, +or they grow more careworn and uglier and uglier. Soon you'd never +suspect what they once were. To keep the same thing from happening to +you, I thought of that device of the check, and wrote to my American +agents. When I saw you were completely taken in, I didn't sleep for +several nights out of pure joy, because then I knew I shouldn't have to +stand by and see you go to your ruin." + +"Why should I go to ruin?" Lilly interjected. "By the time your check +came I had already earned a decent little sum. You yourself helped me, +and you yourself said, if I continued the same way--" + +She stopped short in fright at the thought that if she had to separate +from him, this one avenue would be cut off, too. The idea was a +nightmare. + +No word of encouragement came from him. He kept plucking at the +tablecloth in dogged reserve. + +"Say something! Have you already forgotten everything you did for me?" + +He raised his head. + +"Well," he said, shrugging his shoulders, "if you insist. At any rate, +it may be well to be perfectly frank this evening." + +"Why, what else is there?" Lilly cried. + +"Do you remember when you visited the factory, I wouldn't let you into +the storeroom?" + +"Certainly. But what--" + +"And afterwards I said it was because the room wasn't heated?" + +"Yes--but I can't see what that has to do with my work." + +"If you had gone the least little bit further, you would have seen every +one of your transparencies, fifty-six in all. The last were still +unwrapped." + +Lilly looked up at him as to her executioner. Then she fell down before +the sofa. She had no more tears to shed, but the soft darkness of the +cushions was soothing to her eyes. To see nothing more, to hear nothing +more, to think nothing more. To die quickly, forthwith, before hunger +came, and shame. + +A long silence followed. + +She thought he had already gone when she felt his hand stroking her +shoulder and heard his voice with a mournful quiver in it pleading: + +"My dear, dear friend, tell me, _tell_ me, what could I do? Could I rob +you of your one pleasure, your one assurance? Was I to say to you, 'It's +amateurish, unsalable?' I saw your whole soul was wrapped up in it, and +you lived from it spiritually, as it were. I thought: 'When her affairs +are all smoothed out, I'll just let it die a natural death.' And you +know it was in a fair way to die naturally. You hardly thought of it the +last month. Dearest, dearest friend, do reflect, what wrong did I do? I +helped you out of wretched surroundings, I gave you a few months of joy +and freedom from care, and I didn't even ask for so much as a kiss. If +you want, return to your Mrs. Laue to-morrow, and it will be as if +nothing happened. Or remain here quite calmly until you have found a +position. I won't thrust myself on you. You needn't see me. When +I--leave here--now--" + +He could not continue. + +After a period of silence Lilly raised her head in fright and curiosity +to see what had become of him. She found him in a chair inclined over +the table, his head hidden in his arms, and his back shaken with mute +sobs. + +She stood next to him a while, and tears rolled down her cheeks. + +She was so sorry for him--oh, how sorry she was for him! + +Then she gently laid her hand on his hair. + +"Take comfort, dear friend," she said. "It will be much worse for me +than for you. I won't have anybody at all." + +And she shuddered, thinking of her approaching loneliness. + +He straightened himself up and silently reached for his hat. His eyes +were even more bleared than before; his head inclined still further to +the left. + +Oh, how sorry she was for him! + +"Good-by," he said, pressing her right hand. "And thank you." + +"I will write to you," she said. "I should like to think it all over +to-night. I shall probably move to-morrow, immediately." + +"Whatever you wish," he said. + +As he was drawing on his overcoat something long and cylindrical +gleaming with gold and silver fell noiselessly from his pocket to the +floor. + +Lilly picked it up. It was a huge cracker. + +Both had to smile. + +"That lovely carnival had to have this sad ending," she said. + +He sighed. + +"Did you enjoy yourself? I hope for that at least." + +"Oh, what's the difference so far as I'm concerned?" said Lilly, +deprecatingly. + +"A great difference. The whole affair was gotten up for you." + +"How--for me?" + +"Well, do you suppose Mr. Kellermann, who at the very best earns fifty +to a hundred marks a week, can afford such an entertainment? The +physician ordered diversion, and on account of the position you are in, +I couldn't offer you any, so I hid behind him, and--" + +She opened her eyes wide. + +If he loved her to that extent! + +"You dear, dear friend," she said, and for one instant lightly leaned +her head against his shoulder. + +He threw his arms about her quickly, greedily, as if she would be +snatched from him the next instant. His whole body quivered, and she +felt his warm tears on her forehead. + +Since he did not venture to kiss her even yet, she offered him her lips. + +"The third," she thought. + +When she glanced up, she saw Walter's eyes on the wall looking down at +her with a base, sneering smile. Just as she had feared in the carriage. + +Terrified, she drew Mr. Dehnicke's attention to the portrait. + +"We'd better have it sent right down to the basement to-morrow," he +said. + +And since they now had very much to say to each other, the carriage was +immediately dismissed, because it was half past three, and the coachman +and the horses needed a rest. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +A new life began for Lilly once again. + +An end to her loneliness! + +Every afternoon Mr. Dehnicke came for his cup of tea, and now he was no +longer Mr. Dehnicke; he was Richard, dear, beloved Richard, to whom one +waved and nodded cheerily from the window, whom one received with +outstretched arms in front of the apartment door, against whose knees +one crouched on the floor, and from whose forehead one smoothed away the +naughty frown of care with a tender "poor boy, poor boy." + +Oh, how needless to have hoarded up such a wealth of love! She could +lavish it in profusion, yet there was always a fresh supply. + +Away with the _grande dame_, the haughty aristocrat! She stooped to him, +played the little girl, wanted to be found fault with and scolded, +looked terrified at the faintest shadow of displeasure on his face, and +tried to read his every wish--wishes he himself was not aware of--from +his eyes. She wanted to be grateful for his goodness, his tenderness, +for everything he had done to save her from ruin. + +No wonder, then, that by degrees he lost his adoring upward glance, and +began to make demands, sometimes very whimsical demands, and assume the +manner of a husband. Now and then he even recalled his benefactions, not +very emphatically, though with sufficient explicitness to change what +was at first voluntary humility into a duty. + +Since Lilly had become his mistress, his attitude to the world had +veered about, so that his entire life stood on a different basis. + +The pedantic bronze manufacturer so dreadfully concerned for his good +name and standing in respectable society had changed into a daring fast +liver. + +So far from hesitating to be seen at Lilly's side on the streets and +promenades, he could not display himself to the eyes of the crowd often +enough. The good old brougham no longer sufficed. He must also have a +new-fashioned, spacious victoria, in which to drive with Lilly along +Unter den Linden to the Tiergarten. When they went out together in the +evening, he chose the places where most of fashionable Berlin is to be +found, and tried to obtain seats from which they could be observed on +all sides. + +He sat in the boxes at theatre with a swelling shirt front, carefully +tailored and barbered and manicured, and endeavoured to present an +indifferent blase smile to the glasses levelled upon him and his +companion. + +He ordered his clothes from the representatives of London houses that +bob up in Berlin every spring and autumn in search of customers. He +adopted a monocle and stuck his handkerchief inside his left cuff. The +military officer in him came to the surface and endeavoured to ape the +effeminate gestures of the fops of the Guard. + +In short, he bent all his energies upon proving himself worthy of a +mistress of Lilly's rank and qualities. He soon discovered that +connection with so exquisite a creature, so far from damaging him, cast +an unhoped for glamour about his life, even about his business, lending +it an air of splendour that all his superb remodelling had not been able +to give it. + +If the senior member of the firm of Liebert & Dehnicke, the world said, +can indulge in such an extravagance, his goods must be selling much +better than we thought. And many a dealer who had formerly bought of +his competitors now came to him, impelled by those mysterious powers of +suggestion whose laws psychologists and historians have in vain +endeavoured to fathom. + +People showed him greater respect, but a respect mitigated by that +jovial, confidential smile which the world always smiles when it pardons +a man of proven harmlessness an interesting secret little infirmity. + +Questions like "When are we going to see you outside of business?" or +"What do you say to making a night of it together now and then?" +questions from persons who had paid no attention to him formerly, became +as cheap as the bronze wares of Liebert & Dehnicke. + +"By right, I ought to charge you to the expense account of the +business," he once said with a smile to Lilly, who by and by ceased to +feel pained at delicate jokes of that sort. + +The evening excursions, which took place three or four times a week, +gradually became a matter of habit, and rapidly acquainted Lilly with +all the soap-bubble pleasures that float from the witch's cauldron of +Berlin life. + +It was now too late in the winter for those great public balls, at which +one shams the mysterious lady of rank beneath a silk domino. To +compensate there were the theatres where observances are lax and the +lowest vices of the Parisian boulevards, diluted and warmed over, are +dished up to tickle the palates of hungry pleasure-seekers; all-night +cabarets, where obscene jests are clothed in literary garb, and wild +women escaped from the confines of middle-class life vie with +professional music-hall singers for the palm of vulgarity; bars and +grill-rooms; back rooms of aristocratic restaurants which the law +forbids to be locked, and in which chilly orgies are smiled upon +mockingly by correct waiters; and, to wind up with, certain cafes, +sparkling with lights and blue with cigarette smoke, where the weary +nerves seek and find their final stimulation in contact with prostitutes +selling their wares in open market. + +In the beginning Lilly opposed these doings. Her senses demanded +satisfaction of another sort. She had a vague feeling of mournfulness, +as if each day of this new pleasure-filled life were carrying her +farther and farther from those laurel-lined stairs to which her longing +had gone out. But when she saw that her every wish for quiet encountered +sulky resistance, she gave up her desires voluntarily, and kept her +dreams for a better time, a time which would bring all her hopes to +fruition, which--which--her fancy might venture no farther. + +Besides, it was always so fascinating, so dazzling. + +Lilly and Dehnicke were seldom left alone. In proceeding from place to +place they would meet acquaintances, many of whom Lilly had seen at the +carnival; and they would join company informally; or frequently, +appointments were made beforehand. So there was quite a group of them, a +little fixed nucleus, about which newcomers kept crystallising. + +One of the faithful was that sweet little brunette with the unsteady, +glowing eyes and the foolish smile, who had wanted her friend and +herself to form a little family group at supper with Lilly and Dehnicke. +Her name was Mrs. Sievekingk. A vague desire for "life" had caused her +to run away from her husband, a physician somewhere in Further +Pomerania. After having gone through various experiences she was now +living with the proprietor of a large steam laundry, a red-haired swell, +thin as a broomstick, Wohlfahrt by name. He suffered from dyspepsia, and +Mrs. Sievekingk always had ready in her hand-bag an assortment of pills +and powders. But this touching, energetic care of him did not prevent +her from deceiving him for the sake of any man who courted her. +Everybody knew it and nobody blamed her. She was a poetess and had to +create experiences to sing about. As a result many a lover who thought +he was sinning with her in absolute secrecy would a few weeks later +discover an exact portrait of himself as the hero of a passionate sketch +or a murky love poem in some magazine of the latest school. + +There was Mrs. Welter also, the divorced wife of the renowned composer, +whose round, russet face--she had returned lately from a mysterious +pleasure trip to Algeria--formed a droll contrast to the golden aureole +of her mass of dyed hair. It was dangerous to associate with her. She +borrowed of everybody she met, although she was in comfortable +circumstances, receiving an ample alimony from her former husband's rich +relatives. Her constant state of want was due to her infinite goodness, +which led her to turn over all she possessed and all her friends gave +her to two cashiered lovers, each of whom in his way was a scamp. Nobody +knew to whom she was attached at present. She was frequently seen with a +district attorney, who was stiff as a poker and too formal to use a +toothpick on his hollow teeth, and so sat for hours in silence busily +rolling his tongue between his jaws. + +Among others was an extremely thin little shrewmouse, dainty and +devilish, with steely eyes and thin pinched lips turning inward. She +always wore white silk, and dragged a rustling, fan-shaped train. She +called herself Mrs. Karla. Nobody knew her real name except her lover, a +mere boy, the son of a manufacturer. Pale, puny, and completely in her +toils, he followed her about until dawn indulging her in her sapping +lust for pleasure. In an unguarded moment he revealed that she was the +wife of a Jewish scholar who lived in absolute seclusion, and actually +believed that she was occupied in satisfying the social demands of the +Berlin West Side. And while she wantoned with all sorts of people in +music halls and _chambres separees_, her husband sat quietly at home +poring over his statistical tables. + +There were women of every description, for whose past and whose means of +subsistence no one concerned himself, provided they were pretty and +elegant and not exactly _cocottes_. + +In addition to the ladies' legitimate escorts were a large number of +gentlemen, who came every evening to fish in troubled waters. These +gentlemen constituted the real enlivening element, and among them was +the Dr. Salmoni who had wielded "the big stick" at Mr. Kellermann's +carnival while smiling a mournful smile. In his company, Lilly felt, she +always grew embarrassed and reticent, although it seemed to her a secret +bond united them. As at the carnival, he exercised his caustic wit upon +every person who crossed his path, with the exception of herself, whom +he passed by considerately. Now and then he dissected her with his +probing eyes, and two or three times he whispered softly _en passant_: +"What are you seeking to find here, lovely lady?" + +Mr. Kellermann, too, presented himself not infrequently; grew befuddled, +and then threw out remarks about "a chained beauty crying to be set +free," remarks which Lilly assiduously endeavoured not to hear. At the +end of the evening he usually discovered he was out of pocket, upon +which Richard came to his rescue. + +Such was the world in which from now on Lilly's days--and nights--glided +along. + +She received mysterious messages of all sorts; invitations from strange +gentlemen to discreet rendezvous, flowers sent anonymously, from modest +bouquets of violets to gorgeous baskets of orchids, visits from ladies +of suspicious character, who were organising private charity circles, +and with highly significant smiles asked Lilly to join--a turbid surf of +desire forever rolling up to her threshold. At first it frightened her; +finally she took no notice of it. + + * * * * * + +Spring came, and with it the races at which everybody appears who lays +claim for any reason at all to membership in the world of elegance. + +Since Lilly had been enthroned at Richard's side, the slumbering cavalry +officer in him had been awakened to such lively consciousness, his +passion for native horse-breeding had swelled to such vast proportions +that he would not have dreamed of missing a single race. Although he +never betted, his pockets were stuffed with crumpled tips; chances and +pedigrees constituted his sole topic of conversation, and Lilly, who +took not the least interest in it all, willingly lent him her undivided +attention. + +One morning, on studying the account of the previous day's race in her +paper, the following passage attracted her notice: + +"Among the charming representatives of the world which knows no _ennui_, +was the impressive beauty who for some time past has permitted glimpses +of herself everywhere, and who still radiates the discreet atmosphere of +the _haute volee_, which, it is rumoured, was once her native element. +She favors violet, and in accordance with a famous precedent, she might +be dubbed '_la dame aux violettes_.' We congratulate ourselves upon the +appearance of this new star, who will only add to the reputation of our +metropolitan life." + +"Who can that be?" thought Lilly, slightly envious, and passed in +review the beautiful women she had admired the day before. + +Then suddenly the blood rushed to her head. Her glance sought the +Redfern costume, which she had not yet hung away, and was lying across +the back of a chair. It was two years old, but so wonderfully well made +that it could compete with the new creations of the spring. Since this +was the only suit of the sort she possessed--Richard must be spared +unnecessary expense--she had worn it several times in succession. + +"Yes, she no longer doubted--the item referred to her and no other. Her +first thought was: + +"How pleased Richard will be." + +She, too, was pleased. Mrs. Laue's boldest prophecies seemed about to be +fulfilled. She was growing famous. She actually figured in the papers. + +But that feeling of dread! That enigmatic, senseless dread which forever +crouched in the bottom of her heart, and crept to the surface at the +very moment a new event led her on a stage further toward grandeur and +happiness. Since she had stepped into the world at Richard's side, she +had encountered nothing but what awakened gladness, pride and hope. +Everybody respected and flattered her. Scorn of herself, self-torturing +thoughts, had passed away, giving place to a quiet appreciation of her +own value in the presence of strangers. But that stupid, dull dread +never left her. It would not be silenced. + +Earlier in the afternoon than usual, Richard came down the street +beaming and openly waving the paper up to her. + +After they had embraced ten times and read the passage in the paper +twice as often, Richard turned taciturn and gloomy, folded his arms like +Napoleon, and paced up and down the room with short, sharp steps. + +You could see ambition seething in his brain. + +The bell rang. + +Little Mrs. Sievekingk was announced. + +She had come for a friendly little talk with Lilly several times before, +though the two had not grown more intimate as a result. This time she +arrived opportunely, to help them taste the joy of Lilly's fame. + +Her grey velvet suit shimmered in the afternoon sunlight, and the red +turban with the waving aigrette nestled in her dark, curly head like a +tongue of flame darting downward. + +She held her hand out to Lilly with her seductive smile, but when she +turned to Richard, her eyes flashed with some of the energy with which +she insisted upon her lover taking a dose. + +In the presence of strangers Lilly and Richard still kept up the myth of +a Platonic friendship. So Richard modestly reached for his hat to +extract from Lilly the polite request that he stay a little longer. But +the small, dark woman anticipated them. + +"Don't be foolish," she said, "don't behave as if you weren't perfectly +at home here. You may call each other by your first names, as if from a +slip of the tongue, and I'll pretend not to have heard a thing." + +Lilly and Richard smiled, and while Lilly poured a cup of tea for her +guest, Richard played with the paper. He wanted to make certain whether +Mrs. Sievekingk had learned of the great triumph. + +"What I really came for was on account of that stuff," she said, "and +you are the very person I want to speak to about it. I suppose you're +awfully proud of it." + +Richard made a deprecating gesture, and smiled complacently. + +"To be quite frank, I credited you with a grain or two more sense." + +"I beg pardon," Richard observed, taken aback. + +Lilly started. Her dread of the morning grew into the suspicion that her +great fortune had a cloven hoof. + +"Just let me speak," said the little woman, her eyes now flashing very +steadily with a conscious purpose. "I have experience in such matters. +My red-head began the same way with me. Has the thought never occurred +to you, Mr. Dehnicke, that when a choice creature like this one sitting +here, something so sweet and glorious that you'll never find her like, +entrusts herself to you, you have assumed a vast responsibility? Do you +think we're here to puff and swell your vanity? We're not factory girls +or ballet dancers to be stuck into silks and laces and led around to +show the world that you're a fine buck. We have fallen from society, I +know, but we're not to be classed, not by a long shot, with those women +to whose ranks you would like to reduce us." + +Richard wanted to reply, but could not find the right words, and Mrs. +Sievekingk continued, bending toward Lilly tenderly: + +"So here comes a poor little mite in its unsuspecting aristocracy, and +says: 'Take me. Do with me what you want.' And what will you do with +her? You'll make a fast woman of her, at least what the world takes to +be a fast woman. Don't contradict me. As a beginning you've already done +very well." She pointed to the paper. + +"Once the yellow journals take us up, then the counts of the Guard are +on the spot, and then, may the Lord have mercy on us! They're much +better-looking and more chivalrous than you; and if we _must_ become +_cocottes_, we'd like at least to know for whom and for what. And if +you affect indifference, then you're nothing in our opinion but a bad +joke of yesterday." + +Lilly's breath was taken away. She had not thought it possible that +anyone should dare to speak to Richard in such a tone. She laid her hand +on his shoulder deprecatingly to pacify him. She feared he might become +angry and enforce his rights as master of the place. + +The very contrary occurred. + +"I will gladly do what you say," he replied, mealy-mouthed, "if only I +knew--" + +"I'll tell you what you don't know. You mustn't lead her around like an +animal in a show. Don't expose her to the gaze of all sorts of people. +Don't seat her in the front of the box at opera for every rake to stare +at." + +Richard plucked up his spirits for a defence. + +"Aren't _you_ to be seen everywhere?" + +"Certainly. Because I myself want to see things. That's the reason I ran +away from my horror of a husband. Nevertheless I don't take box seats. +And I don't fly around race tracks either. I'm by nature a Bohemian, +while Lilly, with her quiet, refined heart, is a bourgeois, and a +bourgeois she ought to remain, as if she were your wife by law. But +neither of us wants to descend to the demi-monde, I mean what we mean by +demi-monde in Germany. In the French sense we've been in it a long time. +That's what I have to say to you, my dear sir." + +Richard arose helplessly, quite red in the face, gnawing ferociously at +his moustache. + +"I've always had nothing but her good at heart," he said. "Beside, it +was your wish, too, wasn't it, Lilly?" + +Lilly could not make denial. She did not want to shame him any further; +and she turned aside without replying. + +"And supposing it was her wish a thousand times!" the little woman +rejoined in Lilly's stead. "You should have said to her: 'My dear, you +don't understand. Since we are not married'--_nota bene_, that would be +the best for both of you--'we must live modestly, otherwise I should do +you mortal injury, I should throw you in the mire.'" + +Lilly felt tears rising to her eyes, as always when the subject of +marriage in connection with Richard and herself; arose. Not to show her +emotion, she quickly left the room to fetch Richard's overcoat. It was +already quarter of six. + +She accompanied him to the door and kissed him tenderly. He must by no +means suppose that he had jarred her or that she bore him a grudge. + +When she returned to her guest, she took his part eagerly. He was very +dear and good. He had saved her from ruin, and certainly meditated no +evil. + +"I'm not here to sow dissension," said the little woman, laughing. She +then asked to be allowed to remain a little longer. "My first name is +Jula, and please avail yourself of it in the future." + +They sat hand in hand on the straight sofa, over which Walter's +masterful smile had been replaced by an extremely indifferent +sheep-shearing scene. On the glass plate in front of each was a bit of +nibbled cake. For the first time in her life Lilly enjoyed the pleasure +of possessing something like a friend--she had always felt uneasy in +Miss von Schwertfeger's presence. + +The canary bird sang a sorry spring song, and the sparrows outside in +the chestnut trees responded. The May sun painted red spirals on the +wall, and from time to time a greenish golden flash darted from the +aquarium when one of the little fish shot through the waving algae. + +The hour of confidences had struck. + +"I put on mighty superior airs just then," said Mrs. Jula. "But it was +necessary to, my dear. Because you're just like me, you are standing on +the very edge. One touch, and over we go--where no one will pick us up. +If we could rely on our own character, our plight would not be so bad, +but there are no two ways about it, we can't always be faithful--we +don't want to be." + +"How can you say such a thing?" cried Lilly, horror-stricken. + +Mrs. Jula ran her little red tongue along her lips. + +"Just wait, my dear. The men we meet are really not calculated to make +us see that we are here for one alone. In fact, the only way to enjoy +them is in the plural. Oh, I could tell you things! But I don't want to +alarm you. Besides, there's a danger attached to the plural. Each man we +give ourselves up to robs us of a piece of what is best in us--what is +best, I tell you, even if we can't clearly define it. It isn't +consciousness of our own worth, because, if possible, that survives. +It's not purity either. We don't give a fig for purity. Happiness, +certainly not. We should die of dulness if we stuck to one man. I've +spoken to a number of women, and they all have the same feeling. Some of +them think it's better not to fall in love, and do it just from caprice. +Some swear by the grand passion, which is to consecrate everything. No +two persons, I suppose, think alike in this respect. And now I want to +give you a little advice, because your turn will come some day. Don't +accept any gifts, at least, no gifts of money value. At the utmost +flowers, and none too many of them. And don't give gifts in return, +because everything belongs to 'him.' Married women may; but it's not +seemly for us. In general, avoid the _amant de caeur_, because +_amant-de-caeurdom_ is characteristic of prostitutes. Married women may +do all that, because they have to take revenge for being tied to the +'one.' We, on the contrary, are free. We are permitted to go whenever we +want to. But we mustn't. Anything, but not that." + +"Why mustn't we?" asked Lilly, who suddenly began to feel her chains. + +"Married women may. They _may_ everything. They may be divorced as often +as they want, and carry their heads just as high as before. As for us, +each time we're thrust lower into the world of prostitutes; and the +oftener we change, the more we become free booty. All very well if we +have money of our own. But neither you nor I have. They hover over us +like vultures ready to swoop down upon us. If she's allowed herself to +be supported by him--and _him_--and _him_, why isn't she to be had +for _my_ good money, too? That's the reason we must hold fast to the one +we have, no matter how small and horrid he is, no matter how repulsive +we think him. + +"I don't understand," said Lilly. "If you're with a man, you love him." + +"Oh--do you mean to say you loved every man you were with?" + +"Why, there weren't so many," replied Lilly. "Beside my husband, the +general"--she could not deny herself the joy of uttering that proud +word--"there was only one other, and now--here--" + +"Oh, stuff!" cried Mrs. Jula in righteous indignation. "Do you want to +blossom in my eyes as a rose of virtue?" + +Lilly protested she was speaking the truth. + +Mrs. Jula could not credit it. + +"Why, then, you're not one of us! You ought really be a judge's wife." + +Lilly laughed. She who had always thought sentence had long before been +pronounced upon her immoral conduct, now heard herself ridiculed for her +excess of virtue. + +"Oh, if I were to tell you the stories of all the women we meet," +continued Mrs. Jula. "One of them goes with girls in secret. One rents +out rooms to students, but only to students she likes. And then there's +one"--her voice sank to a whisper--"who fetches her lovers in from the +street." + +Lilly shuddered. + +"What! I've sat next to a woman like that, and never suspected it!" + +Mrs. Jula's eyes glowed into space. + +"It's dreadful, isn't it?" she said, and laughed. "Well, it doesn't +bother me. I have my poems. They lend sanctity to my acts and wash me +clean again. It's for their sake I do it all. I need sensations, yes, I +need sensations. I must feel my blood chase through my veins. I must +study, study--something new in each one. No matter how inane a man may +be, so inane that a thimble would hold his soul, nevertheless he has one +hour of intoxication to give you, one hour in which all the bells chime +and even the spheres make their heavenly music. And the more men you +possess, the more life you possess, the more souls you creep into. All +the doors of life fly open. All the secrets are revealed. If you can +hear the pulsebeat of a stranger, can feel it under your fingers--he's +yours--he's you yourself. Then you live one life more. Yes, that's life. +That's what I call life." + +Lilly said to herself she could not possibly take this talk seriously, +though hot and cold waves shivered through her body. + +"I don't understand what you say," she replied, and rose. + +Mrs. Jula did not even hear her. A mystic fire smouldered in her eyes. +She looked like a priestess sacrificing to dark gods. + +It struck eight o'clock. + +The maid had set the table in the dining-room, and had laid a cover for +the strange lady, who did not seem disposed to leave. She now came to +announce that the meal was served. + +"Will you stay and dine with me?" asked Lilly, somewhat against her +will. + +At last Mrs. Jula woke up. She neither accepted nor declined, but arose +and disengaged her flaming hat from her dark curls. + +"I'm crazy, am I not?" she said, and the foolish, seductive smile +blossomed about her lips again. + +Drawing a breath of relief, Lilly opened the door to the dining-room. + +The table gleamed with snowy damask, strewn with leaves of light formed +by the pierced shade of the hanging lamp. The gaily coloured dishes, +which Lilly had bought cheap at a sale, were a copy of an old Strasburg +pattern. The knives and forks as well as the set of casters and the +sugar tongs were of the finest plate, to be distinguished from real +silver only by the mark. + +When Richard stayed for the evening meal, he should find everything as +shining and substantial as at his mother's. + +Mrs. Jula burst into raptures. + +"Oh, how beautiful your place is. How dear! How charming! Am I not right +in saying you were born to be a married woman? You ought to see my +rubbish at home. What's the use? If my red-head has spoiled his stomach +in a restaurant on larded lamb kidneys or turkey _aux truffes_, the next +day I have to prepare gruel and toast and I serve it to him directly +from the pot. What's the use of making a lot of fuss and setting a +table?" + +"Thank the Lord!" thought Lilly. "She's herself again." + +The meal was modest enough--various cold cuts with roasted potatoes, and +the remnants of a pastry for dessert. But Mrs. Jula ate as if such +delights had not been spread before her for years. And she had to know +exactly where Lilly got her supplies. + +Lilly informed her accurately. For the sake of cheapness, she said, she +got her cold meats from a man in the country, whose address she would be +glad to give Mrs. Jula. + +"I divined it immediately," said Mrs. Jula, softly, her eyes staring +meditatively. After a pause she added more softly: "That's just the way +it was there." + +"There--where?" asked Lilly. + +"Why, in my home." + +Suddenly Mrs. Jula threw her napkin on the table, jumped from her seat, +and stepped to the open window, wringing her hands and pressing them to +her forehead. + +"I'm going to ruin! I'm going to ruin! I'm going to ruin!" she moaned +out into the night. + +"What's the matter?" faltered Lilly in fright, and also jumped up. + +"I want to go back to my husband. I want to go back to my husband. He's +a cross old piece, I know. And it's death to live with him. It's true, +it's true! But I do want to go back to him. I'm going to ruin here. I'm +going to ruin here." + +Lilly stepped behind her and stroked her neck. + +"Why should you go to ruin here?" she comforted her. "You just now gave +me such splendid advice about how to keep from going to ruin. Besides, +you have a mainstay in your art which I lost long ago." She looked with +a sigh at the sample closets, in which the last of her pressed-flower +woods reposed unseen. "No, you won't go to ruin You will reach the +heights, from which you will look down on us poor women." + +Mrs. Jula sobbed on her shoulder. + +"Never again, never again," she wailed. "I can't pull myself out of this +whirlpool. It's as if I were poisoned. My brain is poisoned. I'm going +to ruin. I'm going to ruin." + +Lilly clasped her gently under the arm, and led her back to the +unlighted drawing-room, and seated her in the corner of the sofa where +she had sat before. + +"It's nice and dark here," Mrs. Jula said, whimpering like a child. "So +I'm going to confess everything, everything. But close the door. There +mustn't be a ray of light." + +Lilly closed the door of the dining-room. + +They now sat in darkness. The evening dusk reflected from the canal +through the chestnut trees, still thinly leaved, poured a vapoury grey +over the tear-stained face. + +"Before," began Mrs. Jula, "I told you of a woman who seeks her +adventures on the street, and you jumped up in horror. Do you know who +that woman is? _I_ am that woman." + +"For God's sake!" cried Lilly. + +"Yes, I am that woman. The evenings my red-head leaves me alone, I put +on dark clothes, and go to parts where no one who knows me is likely to +meet me. If somebody I come across pleases me, I give him a look--as a +rule he turns back and speaks to me--and I go with him to common +saloons, or to a little confectionery shop--anywhere he wants to. Or I +sit with him on a bench in the dark--and if he pleases me still more--I +go with him--wherever else he wants to." + +"Oh, how terrible!" cried Lilly, pressing her hands to her eyes. Now she +knew why a few months before something had been pulling her to the +street all the time, all the time; why a delicious shiver had coursed +through her body when a man spoke to her in the dark. She had simply +been too fearsome to answer him. + +"Now that you know what I am, you won't want me to stay sitting here on +your sofa," cried Mrs. Jula. "Be perfectly frank. I'm ready to go." She +reached out pleadingly for Lilly's hands. + +Lilly seemed to herself like a Good Samaritan who has met one who is +grievously ill and must render that assistance which the moment +requires. + +"But why do you do it?" she asked gently. "You are not so lonely. How +did it come about?" + +"Yes, how did it come about? Do you know how _your_ life turned out as +it did? It's all very well and good for people to reproach us with +weakness. One necessity always holds out its hand to another. Each wish +gives birth to another. And you always think you're doing what is right +and what fate has prescribed." + +"That's true," faltered Lilly, recalling the decisive moments of her own +life. + +"This is what I've always said to myself: my poetry requires it. I must +have experiences, pictures, that _frisson_, as the French say. But all +that's a mere pretext. The truth is, we hunt and hunt and hunt. Your +husband's not the right one. Your red-head's not the right man, and none +of the rest of them--your sporting business man, or your +eh-eh-lieutenant. But he must be _somewhere_! The stranger sitting at +the next table, he's the one, surely. So you come to an understanding +with him--after all he's _not_ the right one. It is most certainly not +the fine ones. Because they take the trouble to possess us without +taking the trouble to find out whether there's anything fine in us, too. +So you keep on hunting. Perhaps you will meet him on the street. Finally +it turns into fever, which wholly consumes you. Sometimes I can scarcely +fall asleep in anticipation of the next dark evening when I shall rove +about again. Now, do you see, I must be going to my ruin? When I saw +your beautifully set table, all of a sudden a longing for my home and my +husband came over me again. Yes, I sometimes have that longing. He has +bleared eyes and he smells of carbolic acid. Oh, that vile smell! I'd +like so to smell it again For all I care, he may even throw the +stethoscope at me again. Besides, he wrote to me I should return to him +If I want to, I can. _But_--I will remain here--and go to my ruin. +Life's funny." + +She rose and groped for her hat and hatpins lying on the table. + +Lilly did not want to let her go in such a state of mind. + +"If you feel it is driving you to your ruin, that it's a poison in your +blood, why don't you try to resist? Why don't you pluck it out of your +system? Mere force of will must help some." + +"I've said that to myself," rejoined Mrs. Jula. "But I've never had +anyone to whom I could speak about it and who could help me. Now I've +found you, it will be easier for me. Now I feel I might be able to. +Maybe I will." + +"Do you want to give me your promise?" asked Lilly, holding out her hand +to her. + +"Yes, I promise," Mrs. Jula cried, and delightedly clapped her hand in +Lilly's. "You will be my saviour. You are already. I feel it. To show my +thanks I will stand guard over you and see to it that no one spoils you. +You shan't get to be what I am, or the others." + +"Oh, I'll take care of myself," faltered Lilly. + +"Yes, that's what you say! But when the dreary void comes--and 'he' +grows more and more insipid--just you see! You've nothing left to say to +yourself--and you mustn't have children--for God's sake!--we _don't_ +have them--all of us know how to prevent them from coming. You mustn't +share his activities with him either. He acquaints you with as many of +them as he is compelled to. And behind it all you feel the hostility of +his family, who look upon you as a species of harpy. Then those cursed +schemes of his for marrying that he dishes up whenever he's angry. Above +all, the longing. It's like a steady toothache. That's it--like the +toothache. You don't want to think of it, but wherever you go, it +tortures you. For life _cannot_ end that way. Something _must_ happen. +It's much worse than if you're married. Just you wait and see." + +Mrs. Jula's wild words increased the pain at Lilly's heart. A desolate +mournfulness threatened to attack her. + +"Stop," she said. "If it must come, it will come soon enough. I don't +care to think of it beforehand." + +"Right you are, my dear. It doesn't help any, either." + +Mrs. Jula now took leave. + +"Will you remember your promise?" asked Lilly from the hall door. + +"Forever and ever, I swear to you," and Mrs. Jula slipped down the +stairs. + +With her brain in a whirl Lilly returned to her dark drawing-room, sad +and distraught, and leaned her head out of the open window for a whiff +of fresh air. + +She saw the little woman, who had just emerged from the front entrance, +lightly and gracefully trip along the pavement. + +A gentleman in a chimney-pot and patent leather shoes came towards her, +passed her, started, stopped abruptly, turned about, and, when he +reached her side, raised his hat with exaggerated politeness. + +In the light of the street-lamp Lilly saw her face smiling up at him +curiously, insinuatingly--and then they went on their way--together. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +Richard reluctantly adapted himself to a less showy existence. He still +wanted to parade his possession of Lilly; but little Mrs. Jula's homily +had sunk deep into his conscience, and he did not dare to disobey her. + +Nevertheless he was bored and vexed and sulky, and Lilly was on the +point of herself suggesting that they go to the races, when she received +news of her mother's death. + +She shed the number of tears and suffered the amount of affliction +befitting her tender heart. In reality her mother had been dead to her +so long before that her grief could not be very profound. + +Before leaving Berlin to attend the burial at the insane asylum, her +greatest concern was to have as simple a mourning dress made as +possible. She felt ashamed that she had provided so poorly for her sick +mother during her lifetime, and she wished to avoid giving offence by +elegance of appearance; which did not prevent the officials and +physicians of the institution from dancing attendance on her and +treating her as if she were a sort of shining black bird of paradise. + +She spent three glowing spring evenings at the little heap of earth in +prayer and meditation, and returned to Berlin in a serious frame of mind +with thoughts stirred up like soil freshly turned by the plough. + +When at her mother's grave she felt she hated Richard; but when she +found him awaiting her at the station she sank into his arms +helplessly, eager for consolation. Now he really was her all. + +For the next few months it was taken for granted that her mourning stood +in the way of pleasure seeking. Richard, it must be said to his credit, +behaved sweetly and considerately. He sat at home with her many a night, +read unintelligible books, played backgammon, and preferred falling +asleep on the sofa to luring her into the world of gaiety. + +But since it was not right that he should become entirely estranged from +society, it was arranged that he was to have every other evening for +himself. + +His beautiful mistress's reputation had smoothed his path. Relying upon +the support of two of her admirers, he ventured to apply for admission +into one of the aristocratic clubs, which welcomed him without a single +black ball. From now on he could enjoy the supreme delight of losing his +firm's well-earned money to young scions of the aristocracy, foreign +attaches, and other superior beings. + +Lilly disliked hearing of his losses. She worried over his annoyance, +which he invariably revealed. Whenever he told of his bad luck, she felt +constrained, and then offered to make up by saving even more than she +had heretofore. Though he laughed each time and assured her that what +she cost him signified as little as if he were to indulge in one +additional cigarette a day, she clung to her conviction that she was a +parasite, and was partly responsible for the welfare of Liebert & +Dehnicke. + +When he spent a quiet evening with her resting from his nocturnal +campaigns, they always "talked business." Lilly displayed a sharp sense +for practical matters, even for accounts, and her artistic judgment was +sure. + +Richard very often brought home drawings of models, and the two sat +bent over the outspread rolls planning and consulting with each other +like partners. + +Those were well-nigh blessed hours. + +Lilly never wearied of inquiring about the factory; how many people were +employed there at that particular time; whether this or that man or +woman was still working for him--she did not know the names, but +designated the people by an accurate description of their +appearance--what pieces were in process of making; and whether the +supply of articles of one or other model had not yet given out, so +thoroughly informed she kept herself as to the firm's sales. + +The factory, as she often jestingly remarked to Richard, was her unhappy +love. To call for him at his office at closing time was her greatest +delight, and had she been permitted to, she would have busied herself at +the factory every day. But he objected. His employes knew of the close +relationship between them, and he must avoid gossip and ridicule. + +Lilly felt sure this was not the only motive. She had long fully +realised that his mother was not kindly disposed to her. Though at first +he had spoken of her quite freely, he now evaded a reply when Lilly +directly asked for her. Probably he feared exciting the old lady's +indignation if he permitted his mistress to make herself at home in his +office. + +So Lilly contented herself with sympathetic interest from afar in the +welfare of the little kingdom. + +On the evenings she was left alone, at a loss what to do with herself, +she got into the habit of visiting the house in Alte Jakobstrasse. + +She left a little before ten o'clock, and took up her station on the +opposite side of the street, from where she gazed reverentially at the +old grey structure. She admired the imitation marble columns, which +formed a decorative frame about the entrance after the fashion of a +Renaissance gateway. She stared up at the dimly lighted second story +where his mother dwelt, and pressed timidly into the darkness of a +doorway if she saw the threatening shadow of a woman's figure glide +across the curtains. + +When it grew late and the tenants of the house ceased to come and go, +she ventured to cross the street, mount the three front-door steps, +press her face against the iron grating, and peep into the hall. The +sheen of the leafy pyramid, the subdued milky whiteness of the Clytie +bust, the dark glow of the stained glass window mingled to produce the +mysterious, alluring impression of a dusky chapel. + +The front-door steps became like a goal of a pilgrimage up to which +penitents crawl on their knees; the stained glass window became a +heavenly aureole, the Clytie bust a benedictory saint. + + * * * * * + +Late in the summer Richard was called to the manoeuvres. + +His letters were curt and reserved, and unsuccessfully concealed his ill +humour. Finally they were dated from the hospital. + +He had fallen from his horse and his left knee joint was inflamed. He +would be unable to ride for a long time, perhaps forever. + +He returned in October wearing a gutta percha knee cap, and promptly +sent in his resignation from the regiment. + +The fall from his horse in truth was a fortunate incident. Rumours of +his relation with the divorced wife of its former commander had reached +the regiment. The comrades noticeably held aloof from him, and +evidently his chiefs were merely awaiting confirmation of the report to +call him to account officially; a procedure which in the circumstances +would have brought his lieutenancy in the reserves to a catastrophal +end. + +The accident was his salvation; and his object in adopting an irritated, +reproachful manner in Lilly's presence was merely to make her aware of +what he was sacrificing because of his love of her. + +Indirectly he had heard news of the colonel which filled Lilly with +horror. It had gradually become a fixed idea of the colonel's that Anna +von Schwertfeger had acted in collusion with Lilly and Von Prell; and +man of violence that he was, he had chased her from his castle. Since +then he lived alone, a maddened misanthrope, and it was feared he would +come to a sad end. + +An ominous greeting from those sunny days of Lilly's past. + + * * * * * + +A few months later that occurred which Mrs. Jula had prophesied: one day +Richard spoke to Lilly of marrying another woman, not, however, for the +purpose of annoying her, but because he had formed the habit of +disburdening himself of every vexation by talking it over with her. + +His mother was entertaining an enormously wealthy orphan girl. + +Of course for Richard--wholly and entirely for Richard. + +She sat at table every day, a pale, strawy blond, and looked at him +questioningly with great, strange eyes: + +"Aren't you soon going to propose?" + +His mother delivered long sermons. It could not go on the same way. A +few more seasons like the last and all the respectable families would +point the finger of scorn at him. + +It was enough to drive him distracted. + +Lilly felt as if glacial waters were trickling down her back. + +But she bore up bravely. She smiled at him, and betrayed no more +excitement than if he had been consulting her about some doubtful +factory model. + +"Do you feel you could get to love her?" she asked. + +"What does 'to love' mean?" he rejoined, avoiding her gaze. + +"Well, everything has to be taken into consideration." + +"You talk just as if I were serious about it," he cried. "Altogether you +act as if you didn't care, as if you would like to be rid of me in a +twinkling." + +With languid eagerness Lilly tried to assure him she did not wish to +stand in his way, not in the least, least bit. She had only his +happiness at heart, and if he cared to make her proud by showing +confidence in her, he would not take this step, neither now nor later, +without discussing it with her beforehand. + +He was touched. He kissed her and said: + +"Oh, it's nonsense." + +But the conversation left Lilly as in a nightmare, and the one thought +obsessed her: + +"If he deserts me, I shall sink into the mire after all." + +Grief over her mother's death was a vanishing cloud compared with this +torturing anguish. + +The vultures Mrs Jula had spoken of occurred to her, all those vultures +with their white fronts and black dress suits, who were waiting to +snatch her to themselves with their moneyed claws the instant her friend +and protector abandoned her. From them her thoughts flitted to those +other vultures in Kellermann's picture, who perched on the sunburnt +rocks ready to pounce on the naked beauty when she should lose the +strength to defend herself. + +"Her chains are her weapons," thought Lilly. "And that's the way it is +with me. If I am set free, I am lost." + +The next day she and Richard carefully avoided the dangerous topic, +though Richard remained distraught and uneasy. + +Finally Lilly took courage, and though her feelings compressed her +throat like a murderous clutch, she said: + +"I see you haven't come to a decision yet, Richard. Wouldn't you like to +bring me her picture, so that I can see what she is like? No one knows +you so well as I do, and no one will know so well whether she suits you +or not." + +Richard violently denied that he was undecided. What did _he_ care for +that doll of a girl? + +But his resentment was disingenuous, and his eyes stared into vacancy. + +She had five millions. + +And the next day he actually brought the photograph. + +Lilly laid it down without unwrapping it. Mere contact with the picture +made her hands tremble. She feared the first sight of the girl's face +would expose her own great distress. + +"Why, you're not even looking at it," said Richard, with some +disappointment in his tone. + +"Time enough after you've gone," said Lilly, rejoiced that she could +smile so indifferently. + +She called to him when he was out in the hall: + +"I'll tell you to-morrow--you'll know then." + +The next instant she caught up the picture. Her heart knocked at her +ribs. But first she had to wave "good-by" to Richard, as was her habit +and duty. + +And then--and then-- + +A girl's face, good, placid, somewhat peaked, with poor, though amiable +eyes. Her blond hair was plaited country fashion, and the heavy braids, +thick as a woman's wrist, drew her head back a bit. A timid smile +played about her full lips. + +Something just to be loved, something which would revive with happiness +as a spray of lilacs in fresh water. Not turbulent, none too +gifted--wifely and yielding. + +Just what Richard needed. + +Lilly placed the picture on a chair and threw herself on her knees in +front of it. She prayed and wrestled with her soul. + +She had to reiterate again and again: + +"Just what he needs. He won't have another such chance." + +And the five millions! + +If she were not to set him free she would be one of those harpies which +Mrs. Jula said the world of respectability considered her and her like +to be. + +"But I am in possession, therefore mine is the right. What good are her +five millions to me, if I go to ruin on account of them? Why need I +sacrifice myself for him, for him or for anybody in the wide world?" + +"Harpy, harpy!" rang in between. + +So thought the vampires described in children's mythologies as having +beautiful hair and murderous claws. + +"I will tear to shreds the flesh of him whom I possess." + +Oh, what a night! + +She crouched in bed with her knees drawn up and her face buried in her +lap, sobbing, sobbing. + +At last, toward morning, she found what she had been seeking. Out of +tears, out of bitterness, out of shuddering and prayer arose the +alleviating resolve: that very afternoon when he came she would tell +him--but no!--why wait until the afternoon? Why wait until he entered +the rooms where the force of familiarity, his loving resistance might +shiver the great sacrificial work to bits? + +It must be in some other place where she seemed more of a stranger to +him, which she could leave the instant she felt his proximity caused her +to waver. + +She was not allowed to visit him in his office without special +permission. But at the midday recess, when it was quieter than at other +times, he retired to his back room for his actual work of the day, and +she might be sure of entering unseen and speaking to him without fear of +interruption. + +So sacred a resolve sanctioned everything. + +She used the morning for assorting his letters and tying them together. +She wanted to hand them to him along with his betrothed's picture when +she bade him farewell. He need never fear she might cause him trouble in +the future. + +Then she dressed--more carefully than usual--washed herself with milk of +lilacs to remove the traces of tears, waved her hair, and drew it into a +knot at the nape of her neck, as she had seen on statues of Greek women. +She was their equal--like them, serenely raised above sorrow and joy. + +She drove to the office. + +The clock struck quarter past one when she stood in front of the +columned gateway. + +Nobody was to be seen in the yard except the porter, who lifted his cap +with a confidential smile. + +She was still their employer's mistress. + +If only she had taken the precaution to send in her card. + +The front office door was open as usual when he worked in the back room, +and she well knew the secret spring of the gate in the railing. + +She prudently knocked at the inner door, which as a rule stood slightly +ajar, but which to-day was closed. + +"Come in," he said. + +She stepped in and faced--his mother. + +Lilly had never seen her, and she had imagined her quite, quite +different, a tall, thin, imposing old lady. Next to Richard's desk sat a +medium-sized, rotund woman with a black lace cap on her grizzled hair. +She looked at Lilly with an expression of surprise and displeasure in +her cold, grey eyes. + +Lilly instantly knew it was she. + +Richard, who had been leaning back comfortably in his revolving chair, +jumped to his feet. + +Rigid with fright, Lilly stared at the old lady, who now rose from her +seat also, while an evil gleam of anger and contempt lighted up those +cold eyes. + +"A fine state of affairs," she cried, turning her head jerkily from +Richard to Lilly and back to Richard. "I'm not secure even in my own +home. I beg of you, Richard, do not expose me to another meeting with a +person of this sort." + +With an indignant snort she pushed past Lilly, who stood to one side in +respectful terror. + +"What are you doing here? What do you mean by coming here in this way?" + +Richard had never shouted at her so before. + +He planted himself squarely in front of her, thrust his hands in his +trousers' pockets, and gnawed the ends of his moustache. His head hung +on his left shoulder. He looked like a treacherous, butting bull. + +She wanted to hand him the picture and the letters, tell him everything +she had intended to; but her voice failed. Her knees threatened to give +way. + +"I--I--I--" she faltered, and choked. + +"I--I--I--" he mimicked her. "I--I--I'd like to wriggle myself in here. +I--I--I'd like to be mistress here--isn't that so? No, my little angel. +This can't go on! It has to stop--at once! I've long had my suspicions +of what you call your unhappy love of the factory. Get out of here! Get +out of here, I say." + +Before he had finished Lilly was out. + +She still held the parcel in a convulsive grip. + +She reeled as she walked along--past bright red houses, which threatened +to fall on her. A truck loaded with flour bags scattered white clouds. A +pulley screeched in a factory yard. When someone came toward her, she +made a wide detour, keeping to the edge of the pavement. She feared he +might grin his contempt at her. + +A skein of silk thread lay on the pavement. Lilly picked it up, and +thought of hanging herself. + +Something must be done. + +To be abandoned--very well--if it could not be helped. Each one, when +her turn came, would have to resign herself to her fate. + +But to be chased away--thrown out--like a thief--like the vilest woman +of the street--to be shaken off like a disgusting worm, to be spat upon! + +Something must be done. + +Anything to take revenge upon him. + +Even if he was now unsusceptible to her revenge--all the same! He would +discover he had been to blame throughout. If she descended into the +mire, which had heretofore filled her with horror, if she went to +ruin--! + +Something must be done--any deed of self-degradation which made her fit +to be treated in that way and no other--and freed her from those +torments--those torments. + +Her heart hung in her breast like a painful swelling. She could have +drawn a line about it, so sharply defined it was against her side. It +seemed to be in the clutch of sharp claws. + +Again those lurking vultures occurred to her, the vultures of +Kellermann's picture. + +They were waiting for Lilly Czepanek. For whom else? + +Suddenly something flashed and hissed in her brain like a tongue of +fire. + +That was it! That was it! + +She summoned a cab. + +On! On! + +Whither? + +She ordered the coachman to drive as quickly as possible to Mr. +Kellermann's studio. + +She ran up the steps, the same steps down which eight months before she +had glided at Richard's side rocked in bliss. All a-tremble she stepped +into the dark anteroom, which had the stuffy smell of a badly aired +bedroom. Her hand almost failed her as she knocked at the studio door. + +Mr. Kellermann in his breeches and slippers was squatting on the floor +beside the Turkish tabouret in exactly the same position as at her first +visit. He was busied with a coffee machine, and looked contented and +seedy. + +"Mercy on us!" he said, and drew the collar of his night-shirt together. +"What signifies this sudden appearance, O noble goddess? Are the suns +setting again?" + +Lilly did not reply. She laid her hat and wraps on a chair, and began to +unhook her waist, looking about for a screen. There was none. + +The models who came to pose for Mr. Kellermann were not squeamish. + +He jumped up and stared at her. + +When he realised what she meant to do, he broke into exclamations of +delight. + +"What did I say? What did I say? I said you'd come. You see! We've +reached the point at which we're screaming to be set free." + +"I'm not screaming," she replied, drawing up the corners of her mouth +disdainfully. "If you please, look somewhere else." + +He made a dash for the picture leaning against the wall in its blind +frame, blew the dust off, drove the wedge in tight, and adjusted the +easel, laughing all the while, and grunting: + +"She came after all." + +Lilly had torn off her outer garments and was pulling at the drawing +ribbon of her chemise. Her paralysed fingers could scarcely untie the +knot. + +Now she stood entirely unclothed. + +The garish studio light pricked her flesh painfully as with a thousand +needles. + +She wanted to groan and creep into a corner, but she turned her clenched +fists outward, threw back her shoulders, and presented herself to the +painter's greedy gaze. + +"Why don't you begin?" she asked. As she spoke she felt that her +smarting scorn was distorting her face. + +"I'll begin immediately," he stammered, choking over each word. "I won't +utter--a syllable--or the vision will vanish. I'll begin." + +He snatched up the palette, pressed the tubes, and readjusted the +picture on the easel. + +He made a few strokes, then threw the brushes down. He reeled like a +drunkard. + +"No use this way," he said, mumbling to himself. "You must pose." + +"Just as you wish," she replied, still with that mocking smile, and +stretched out her arms like the beauty of the picture. + +He was not yet satisfied, and wanted to approach her. He did not dare +to. + +"I will move the mirror, so that you can see for yourself what is wrong +in your pose." + +He did so. + +Lilly shuddered. A strange wild animal, which was not even beautiful, +seemed to be standing there. + +"Not right yet," she heard him say. "The attitude is meaningless--you've +got to know what it's for." + +He went to the back of the studio and rummaged among all sorts of gear +and fetched out a tremendously thick chain, the colour of rusty iron, +which did not clank while being handled. + +"It won't be cold and won't weigh you down," he said with a short, +forced laugh. "It's made of papier mache." + +Then she had to suffer his coming close to her and laying the chain +about her body. + +He was panting and his breath streamed upon her hotly. + +Each tremulous touch of his fingers was like a sabre slash. + +He returned to the easel, groped for the brushes and began to paint +again. + +Suddenly he cast everything from him, seized the picture with both hands +and dashed it against the easel. One of the rods tore through the canvas +and split it in two. + +"For God's sake!" cried Lilly, horror-stricken. + +He threw himself upon her. + +She feebly attempted to defend herself with the chain. + +But the chain was made of papier mache. + +And she would not have had it otherwise. + +Down into the mire, quickly, with closed eyes! + + * * * * * + +The next day Richard paid his customary afternoon visit. His lids were +reddened and his eyes glassy. He looked completely crushed, but he +behaved as if nothing had occurred. + +Lilly had scarcely expected him, and she received him with frigid +astonishment. + +"Oh," he said, "on account of yesterday. After you left I had a tough +discussion with mama. You mustn't come to the factory. I had to promise +her that. As for the rest, I think we'll not speak of it any more. The +young lady's leaving this evening. So let's kiss." + +They kissed. And all was as before. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +Once more the chestnuts put on their yellow cloaks and the peep holes in +the foliage widened. From her window Lilly could see the ducks foraging, +and the odorous, fruit-laden barges on their laborious way to market +sunk deep in the water under their summer cargo. + +Once more the world muffled itself up for winter weather; once more +metropolitan amusements turned on their gay lights. + +In decent half-mourning the chase began again. Richard objected to +remaining like a pickle in a jar. + +This time, however, they entirely renounced box seats at dazzling shows +and suppers at aristocratic restaurants. Richard no longer had to +establish himself triumphantly in the possession of a famous--at the +same time cheap--_horizontale de grande marque_. They quietly remained +on a middle-class level, where German champagne reigns supreme and the +star Kempinski is in the ascendant. + +But here, too, in cabarets and theatres where smoking is allowed, in +jolly little nooks and respectable looking back rooms, they passed +numberless hours in riotous abandon. + +The women, who in the other world had felt somewhat out of place and +embarrassed, enjoyed themselves better in these more modest +surroundings, and the gentlemen were content that their shirt fronts +retained the starch longer. + +The personnel remained about the same. Only a few dandies dropped away, +who saw no fun in life unless it offered them an occasional opportunity +to receive a condescending nod from a few lieutenants of the Guard in +citizens' clothes. + +Lilly followed the crowd, and thought it had to be so. + +For the most part she sat there saying little and smiling a friendly +smile. She permitted the gentlemen to pay her court and was moderately +responsive. She listened indifferently to the confidences of the ladies, +all of whom were well-disposed to her, because as everyone soon +realised, Lilly had no desire to poach on another's preserves. + +They might have taken her to be limited or phlegmatic, if from time to +time the champagne had not relaxed her rigidity and enlivened her with a +different spirit. She slowly came out of her state of torpor. Her eyes +flashed, her cheeks reddened. She laughed aloud, made madcap remarks, +told the colonel's club jokes, and finally fell into a sort of ecstasy, +in which she sang comic songs in a tremulous chirp, imitated well-known +actors, and even danced the bold dances she had seen on the variety +stage. + +Her memory was incredibly good. She remembered things she had heard only +once, and quite unconsciously, for in her normal state she recalled even +less than others. The wine first had to wash away the barriers that +always hemmed her being. + +Her associates soon became aware of this, and tried to trick her into +the condition that promised them a merry entertainment. But she resisted +with all her might. She waged constant warfare without even Richard as +an ally. It flattered his vanity to have his beautiful mistress admired +because of her talents. + +The next day Lilly always felt bruised and battered and despondent. + +And sometimes when the field of her spiritual vision was completely +filled with red, kicking legs and the empty teasing dribble of comic +songs, she heard a still small voice in admonition: + +"There was a time when you lived otherwise. There was a time when you +aspired to the heights." + +But Lilly feared to listen to this voice. + +She felt she was worthless because she was defenceless. + +And because nobody was there who understood her and held out his hand to +her. + +Frequently, on the evenings she was left to herself, she slipped out of +the house as if she were committing an evil deed, and took a seat in the +gallery of some good theatre, where she thought no one would recognise +her; or at a concert, among the music students, who sat on the steps or +leaned against the railings, following the selections with thick scores +in their hands. Lilly behaved as if she were one of them. + +But concerts no longer touched her. She felt uneasy and out of place, +and turned her attention to some young man because of his bold profile +or his fine head of hair. + +"He is one of those favoured talented persons," she thought, tormented, +and looked at him long and languishly, until he returned her dallying +with ardour. + +Though she burned to have him speak to her, she lacked the courage to +grant him additional signs of her favour, having before her eyes Mrs. +Jula's appalling example. Besides, the throbbing of her heart was +sufficient enjoyment. + +Already she was so completely under the spell of an erotic world that +every excitement of her mood was immediately transmuted into a desirous +love game. + +And the longing, that eternal toothache, of which Mrs. Jula had spoken, +had begun to drill her nerves. + +It had come like a thief in the night. It filled her sleep with flaming +pictures and converted her waking hours into a twilight doze. + +She waited, but nobody came. Nobody took the trouble to pick up her lost +soul from out of the dust. + +There was only one man who observed her and seemed to have a suspicion +of what was taking place in her soul. + +He was Dr. Salmoni. + +Dr. Salmoni was considered a great man, one of the luminaries in +Berlin's intellectual life. He was editor of an art magazine, which had +once conducted a revolutionary campaign against the great men of the old +school, and had fashioned new gods, erected new altars at which the +masses might burn incense. But the steady burning of incense was not in +Dr. Salmoni's line. He promptly bethought himself that the divinities +before whom every Tom, Dick, or Harry was crawling on his knees, were, +at bottom, creations of his and of his friends, fetiches to be rejected, +just as they had been exalted. And he began a merry war upon them also. +People easily endured Dr. Salmoni's hate; his quips sputtered in the air +harmless as skyrockets; nobody believed his imputations. The only time +he was dangerous was when he showed pitying benevolence. Then somebody's +reputation was surely at stake. In certain circles Dr. Salmoni's praise +was equivalent to a death sentence. + +As in the previous winter, the distinguished Dr. Salmoni condescended +every now and then to take part in the innocent sport of the little +circle whose forte was not exactly intellectuality. His appearance +always caused a flutter of joyous reverence; the company instantly moved +closer to make place for him, and as soon as he leaned back gently in +his chair, smiled his sad, compassionate smile, and stroked the peak of +his light-brown Van Dyke beard, they hung on his lips expectantly +awaiting a titillating stream of spiteful sallies. + +But the jester's role did not always suit him. He plunged into profound +tete-a-tetes, or dreamed in silence, according to his mood. Sometimes he +even showed a naive, trusting side of his nature, like a leopard playing +with dogs. + +He seldom addressed Lilly; but his piercing eyes often glided over her +face, as if to spy upon her feelings and grope about in her soul. + +One evening he seated himself next to her, and asked her to cut his meat +for him--he had strained his wrist throttling a certain celebrity. +Waxing more intimate, he next asked her to feed him, though his left +hand had by no means been disabled. + +So for the first time they entered into a conversation. + +Lilly quailed. She feared she might not acquit herself creditably. + +"I am surprised," he said. "You've been going about with this loud crew +for over a year, and I don't read the slang in your eyes yet." + +"Slang in my eyes? What do you mean by slang in a person's eyes?" + +"Do me the favour to regard the women here." He pointed furtively at +Mrs. Jula, Mrs. Welter, Karla, and a few others. "Look at the way they +roll their eyes and exchange glances. It's the lingo of a--well, I won't +say vice--I despise words without nuance--I'll say of a thievish fancy. +Do you understand?" + +"I think so," faltered Lilly. + +"But you still have some of the childlike expression you had when you +made your debut. Not altogether. A fleck of disdain is in your eyes. +Disdain is not the right word. At the edge of deserts there are certain +salt seas--dark green and empty. Do you catch the idea? Because the +ground is poisonous." + +"Possibly," said Lilly, constrained. + +"Nevertheless, it's wonderful. Your soul's like a filter. It assimilates +nothing but what it wants to. Or have you a secret store to draw on, +which gives you the right to mock at us--some constant ideal--some goal +in the hazy distance--some great song--a Song of Songs?" + +Lilly started up with a faint outcry, but not so faint as to fail to +attract general attention. + +"I merely stepped on her foot," Dr. Salmoni explained, "and she is still +innocent enough _not_ to consider it unintentional." + +All laughed. + +"A joke exactly suited to their understanding," he whispered, bending +toward her shoulder. "I'll pretend not to have heard your involuntary +avowal. That alone has value in my estimation which is voluntary. And I +will not ask you as I did a year ago: 'What is thy quest here, lovely +lady?' I will ask you: 'What hast thou to lose here?' I myself will +furnish the answer. Your style--you have your style to lose. You are on +the point of becoming styleless; which is always a misfortune and a +crime. To me style is virtue, greatness, genuineness, force, religion, a +God-ordained quality--all in one and a few things more. Remain bodily +and spiritually intangible. Rise to a healthy, gladsome vice--_tant +mieux_. Dress your hair for evening prayers, or let it flow over the +pillow like a bacchante--but decide which." + +"I believe a moment ago you were pleading for nuance," said Lilly, the +edge of whose wit was sharpened by his, "and now you're advocating a +dogma." + +"Hear, hear!" he praised her. "Excellent. But no. I'm not preaching a +dogma. I'm preaching the exercise of one's will, the will to +personality. Do you understand? The result will be rich enough in +nuances. Undoubtedly you have the material in you for a _grande +amoureuse_, but alas not the courage." + +"Well, then, not the material," she flashed back happily. + +He laughed like a child. + +"In one's old age one gets lectures on logic from little, virtuous +women." He magnanimously allowed her the pleasure of having outdone him +in repartee. + +Thereafter Lilly reflected much upon the conversation. What a vast deal +he knew of her! Was he in alliance with supernatural powers? + +"The will to personality," he had said. + +She felt blissful. Up to the heights again! + + * * * * * + +On another occasion, as they were walking behind their companions along +Friederichstrasse, still gaily alive at midnight, he adopted a different +tone. + +"I have a sure feeling that you are afraid of me," he said. + +"I?" she queried, confused and drawing a deep breath. "Why should I be?" + +"Because you know I have a message for you, a message to which, in the +bottom of your heart, you don't feel equal." + +"I don't understand," she stammered, though she fully took in his +meaning. She knew precisely what role he could play in her life if-- + +"I am a man who likes tones pianissimo. I don't care to blow my +sensations on a comb. Otherwise your ears might have tingled on certain +occasions. However, I must say, it's abominable to see a woman like you, +a woman created to wander on the heights of thought and enjoyment, +seduced by a few Bismarck herrings into cutting capers with them. I +won't mention names, but I assure you, you can't get drunk on lukewarm +dish water, and intoxication is the great thing in life, at least while +our blood runs lively in our veins." + +Lilly trembled on his arm. + +They were passing a crowd of roysterers, young fellows shouldering their +canes, with swimming eyes dreaming into space. One whistled Wagner, +another sang a students' song; and sweet little street-walkers cast +longing, seductive glances at them. Lilly and Dr. Salmoni passed more +people, adults and half-grown girls, men and youths. All seemed under +the spell of the same transport. It was like a great dance, at which +each offered his neighbour hand and mouth and body and soul. + +"What can I do?" she whispered, dropping her chin on her heaving breast. + +"I will tell you," he replied with a smile which harboured dark +promises. "You must learn to live another life along with this one. One +all for yourself, for yourself and a few select. Do you understand? As a +Frenchman once said, you must lay out a secret garden, in which you will +cultivate in absolute quiet those thoughts and desires that seem dear to +you, and above all, those that seem to be forbidden and those that you +have stolen by the way, no matter how. Do you understand?" + +"Whatever I have stolen has brought me misfortune," said Lilly, +hesitatingly. + +"Rather the law which calls it stolen. The distinction is a difficult +one to make. However, you may believe me in this: so long as we are not +permeated with the religion of self-exaltation--do you understand me, +child?--so long as we haven't rooted out the words 'attachment' and +'duty' from our thoughts, our road is not perfect. We continue to knock +our toes on the crushed stones that the others heap up ahead of us under +the pretext that they are levelling the way." + +"Sometimes they do," said Lilly, recalling all the good things she had +received from Richard. + +He smiled at her with compassionate indulgence. + +"You seem to be suffering from what I call chain madness." + +"What is that?" asked Lilly, suspecting, to her dismay, that he again +divined what lay in her innermost being. Could he know of the shameful +role that a certain chained beauty had played in her life? + +"It is said," he continued, "that if galley slaves who have worn chains +for many years are liberated, they cannot endure their freedom. They +complain that their arms and legs have been chopped off. They miss the +support and weight of their chains. You have such beautiful arms for +stretching upward. Just exercise them a little." + +"And such long legs for running away," she supplemented with a tortured +laugh. "The only question is: Whither?" + +"Oh, oh! Why run away immediately?" he asked, stroking her hand, which +rested on his arm, and speaking as to a child. "You would simply run +into the arms of another so-called duty. First you must be free +inwardly. You must first forget to fetch and carry for persons who are +themselves meant to fetch and carry." + +"Teach me," she burst out. + +"I will bring you some books," he said, as if deliberating, "books which +will lead you back to yourself. To-morrow at noon, I will--" + +At that moment they were separated. + +In bed Lilly lay with clasped hands smiling up at the ceiling. + +She was again aspiring to the heights. + + * * * * * + +But the next day when he was to come, dread fell upon her again, dread +of him, of Richard, of herself. + +It was the first secret visit, the first to knock a breach in the peace +of her home. + +When she saw him step from the cab with several volumes in his arm, she +flew into the kitchen and told the maid to say she was not at home. + +But the instant he left she seized the books which he had brought. + +Some were printed in Roman type and looked dreadfully scientific. +However, they were intelligible, and Lilly took up one after the other. +What she read sent the blood coursing turbulently through her veins, and +mounted to her head like sweet wine. + +All the books spoke of the "will to power," "the free man," "the right +to live one's life," "the religion of passion," and similar things. In +each pure beauty was extolled as the goal of human endeavours; in each +the word "individuality" recurred numberless times in numberless +connections. Each taught you to look down upon your fellow-beings with +vigorous pride, and despise them as a blunted, debased, tortured and +enslaved mass. In each you wandered along in blessed solitude--or in the +company of a very few like-minded, noble souls--on free wind-swept +mountain heights surrounded by an eternally bright ether. + +It was a constant offering of incense, an insatiable lashing of oneself +into satiety, pleasant murder, hymn-singing rape. The main subjects +invariably were intoxication, dreams, life's festivals, and ecstasy. + +Thus, a veil of intoxication and dreams was spread over Lilly's soul. +She felt she was enveloped in a sapphire haze shot with the purple of a +distant glow. She heard hot, wrathful music storming onward in discords +like maenads tearing down every hindrance in their way. She felt she was +climbing up perpendicular rocks, ever higher, ever higher, fighting the +whole time against the dizziness which threatened to cast her back into +the abyss. But she did not sink. She clung to the edge, which bruised +her hands, and laughed down--laughed--laughed--at the sorry wretches +there below crawling along in flocks, permitting themselves to be ground +to death for their bit of daily bread. + +Then she felt sorry that she alone had scaled such heights, that she +alone should be up there enjoying the wild, golden sunlight, while all +the others little conceived that deliverance was at hand. She wanted to +hold out her hand to her poor, starving brothers and sisters and draw +them up after her. But they could not understand her message of +salvation--he had said "message of salvation." She saw wasting faces, +dank with the sweat of death; glassy eyes unable to turn from the +gleaming penny, their pay. She saw pregnant bodies, swollen yet +emaciated. + +The working woman in Richard's wrapping room recurred to her. She +recalled her hands flying in feverish haste about the swaying doll. She +and others recurred to Lilly, with the timid hate and the hopeless +yearning in their weary eyes. + +Her unhappy love for the factory, which she thought had been +extinguished forever on that day of shame, awoke within her again, as a +quiet, painful tenderness, like the spring anticipations that tremble in +us when the February snows begin to melt. + +This, to be sure, was hardly the sense or purpose of Dr. Salmoni's +books. But they served another purpose most admirably. Her faint +toothache rose to a veritable anguish. The desire for a man, any man not +Richard, who understood her and swept her along with him, overwhelmed +her with such force that she could only twist this way and that and feel +she would perish under the lash. + +Somewhere the "one" was surely to be found. Was it not possible for a +favouring wave in this sea of humanity to toss him to her feet? + +One evening she put on simple, dark clothes--she might have been taken +for a seamstress returning from work--and slipped down the street, as +she used to when Richard's house drew her to it with a thousand secret +threads. + +Since she was unskilled in strolling about aimlessly and needed a goal, +she listened to the voice of her newly awakened love, and took the +accustomed route to Alte Jakobstrasse. On the way she shudderingly +avoided two old beaux and a fresh clerk. + +The latticed gates of the famous marble-columned portal cried an iron +"Halt!" + +She stood a long time pressed up against her old door on the opposite +side of the street, and stared at the house to which fate had anchored +her. + +Lights were burning in his mother's room. + +The two gas jets of the chandelier resembled her cold, clear eyes. The +rest of the jets were not turned on, probably from motives of economy. + +Of the factory nothing was to be seen save the dark top of the chimney +towering above the roof of the house in front. + +A sorry greeting. Nevertheless a greeting. She would have liked to say +"How do you do?" to the beloved staircase also. But she no longer dared +to cross the street. + +Then, as if after a good deed accomplished, she turned homeward feeling +at ease. + +She repeated the visit three times in the course of the week. She began +to feel that the aimless journeys were a life necessity. + +Once, just as she was disposing herself comfortably in her protecting +doorway, an elegant slim gentleman, who evidently had come the same way +behind her, stopped and raised his hat. + +Dr. Salmoni. + +Lilly in her fright nearly forgot to return his greeting. + +If he were to betray her to Richard! Richard would assume that jealousy, +or even worse, had driven her there. + +"Well, well," began Dr. Salmoni, complacently rolling the words in his +mouth. "It strikes me as somewhat touching that we should meet directly +opposite Liebert & Dehnicke. As you know, I'm a gentle nature, a soul in +socks, as it were. So I refrain from asking you what stirrings of your +heart prompted you to come here. You know the fairy-tale of the queen +who sallied forth to find her king, and ended in finding a swineherd. +Thus a pearl may stray into a bronze ware factory. I should not have +permitted myself to follow you intentionally. I was seduced by a certain +play of lines and curves. Perhaps a certain suspicion of brilliance +shone through--but a young pheasant should not be shot out of season. +Let your fruit ripen, is a very sound motto, and not only with respect +to _soi-disant_ love. But it's questionable whether mottoes are worth +the while. They smack of respectability, and respectability smacks of +Virginia tobacco, and Virginia tobacco smells, and is celebrated far and +wide _because_ it smells. Do you get my profound meaning?" + +"I should like to leave this spot," said Lilly. "If we were to be seen +here!" + +"Oh, here of all places we may be seen together," he rejoined, laughing +with childlike glee. "It would take a perverse imagination to assume +that we selected this very house for a secret rendezvous. But as you +wish." + +He offered her his arm. She declined. + +They walked side by side through dark, tortuous streets on the farther +west side. + +He talked to her steadily. One idea suggested another. One wheel of fire +set free another. Sometimes it appeared to Lilly he had totally +forgotten her presence and was speaking for his own delight in the play +of his fancy. What he said seemed to have no bearing upon herself and +her sorry existence. + +But no, she was mistaken. His gold had been coined for her after all. He +merely gave too much, and her brain lacked space to receive all of it. + +He walked with an elastic, somewhat tripping tread. His cane, stuck head +downward in his coat pocket, tapped against his shoulder. His white silk +necktie gleamed. She saw nothing else of him. And he talked, talked. +Sometimes she felt that she was being boxed on the ear, and anon that +she was being stroked tenderly. + +When he made mock of Richard and Richard's friends, she wanted to +contradict him, but he never mentioned names. Besides she had always +thought the same, it seemed to her. + +He alluded cautiously to her aristocratic past, chose pictures from +country life, extolled discreet horseback rides _a deux_, and the +transports awakened by reddish, golden dawns. Lilly felt he had been +present at all the events of her life. + +"I have lived a good deal in castles," he added by way of explanation. +"I know it all." + +Oh, if his past had been similar! + +So he drilled ever deeper into her soul. + +When he began to speak of the books he had brought her--he +considerately ignored her having denied herself the time he had +called--she ventured a languid resistance. + +"Please don't lend me anything of the sort again," she entreated. + +"Why not?" + +"The books confuse and sicken me--I don't know. You said they would lead +me to myself. On the contrary. It seemed to me everything was growing +strange which I had once looked upon as right and sacred. + +"Perhaps it should be so," he replied, setting his cane a-dancing. +"Perhaps that is the prime demand I have to make of you in the name of a +higher life. Let me tell you a little fable apropos. Once upon a time +there were two good old missionaries. To satisfy a strong spiritual +craving they wanted to spread Christianity in Central Africa. There is +really no need for such queer fish, but they do exist, and we must +accept the fact. They took a small portable organ with them for +enhancing the solemnity of their sermons. In the sweat of their brows +and the encouraging heat of the tropics, they dragged it hundreds of +miles into the interior, where dwelt the poor naked savages upon whom +they had designs. There they set their organ down and began to play. But +scarcely did the poor naked savages hear the first chords, when they +took up their clubs and beat the good missionaries to death--on account +of the spirits, of course, who resided in the chest. Life does the same +to us if we attempt to play on the good old organ of our moral +exactions." + +Lilly felt she could not cope with his superior intellect. + +Now he laid her arm in his without question, and she did not venture to +withdraw it. + +They walked along lowering factory walls, amid whose dark masses a +lantern now and then spread its milky circle of light. Scaffoldings +stretched their bony arms to the sulphur-coloured sky, and from parallel +streets came the intermittent clang of electric tram gongs. + +"Where are we going?" asked Lilly, anxiously. + +"We're going out of the way of society. And if I wanted to exploit the +present conjuncture of circumstances I should profit by your being lost, +your feeling that you need protection. But I'm not a calculating nature. +In matters of emotion I'm like a child. I take whatever the heavens rain +down on me. Aren't you the same way?" + +"I'm too heavy," replied Lilly, ready to bare her soul to him. "I'm full +of scruples. I think a lot over everything." + +"The question is _what_ you think," he said gaily. + +She wanted to reply and talk to him--tell him all her thoughts. She felt +like holding out her heart on her open palm, so that nothing should +remain concealed from him. But shame before his great wisdom sealed her +lips. + +"Why do you take the trouble to bother with a stupid thing like me?" she +asked, to show him her humility at least. + +"Perhaps because I have a mission to fulfil in your life. 'Perhaps,' I +say, because one can never be sure whether there is such a thing as +reflex action of the emotions. Certain _moments psychologiques_ will +teach us." + +Though his meaning was not at all clear to Lilly, a hesitating sense of +happiness stole over her that so mighty a man should actually concern +himself with her. + +"You are entirely in his power," she thought, "and you will be whatever +he wants you to be." + +At that moment he drew her arm a little closer, and her pressure in +response brought his hand for an instant on her breast. + +She was overwhelmed with fright. He might think she was offering herself +to him. If he were to take her home, were to ask-- + +"I'd like to get into a tram," she faltered. "I'm very tired." + +He whistled for a cab, which just then came swaying out of the fog. + +"No, no," she burst out, thinking of nothing but that she must not +lightly forego the joy of his friendship. "Not with you--I must go home +alone--on account--" + +She tore her arm from his and ran to the next stopping place so quickly +that he was just about able to reach her before she jumped on the first +tram that came along. She scarcely said good-by. + +The smile with which he looked after her was by no means melancholy. + +He might, he should triumph. + +She, Lilly Czepanek, was once again aspiring to the heights. + + * * * * * + +Three days later they met again; this time in a large company which had +visited a _cafe chantant_, and was to wind up the evening at a +respectable bodega. + +Unluckily somebody else took the seat at her side, which she had +carefully reserved for him. + +That upset her. + +The champagne heated up everybody's spirits. + +Lilly, out of spite and boredom, drank more than was good for her. + +Provocative merriness burned in her eyes. Her cheeks took on the Baldwin +apple hue that they all dearly loved. Her laughter rang out clear, her +body moved more nonchalantly. + +Suddenly she heard a general outcry: "Lilly! Lilly! We want Lilly!" + +Terror stopped her pulse. + +She had never ventured to perform in his presence. In fact, she had not +been asked to when he had been there, for then _he_ formed the centre of +attraction. + +But she felt: + +"I can do it to-day. To-day I will show him what I am." + +She rose, brushed her hair from her forehead, and gave herself a little +shake, as was her wont when she jerked aside the everyday Lilly, the +craven-hearted Lilly, the Lilly of the oppressed feelings, the Lilly who +feared to face her fellow-beings, the stiff-jointed Lilly. + +She made a dash and began. + +First she imitated the beautiful Otero, and crowed and cuckooed. Her +auditors rolled with laughter. Then she hit off certain cabaret stars. +Sucking her fingers like an innocent babe, she sang in flute tones: +"Please let me in your room." + +She croaked in a droll, bull-frog bass: "Once I was ambassador," and +peeping from behind the clothes rack she cooed the song of the +passionate dove: "Coo--coo--coo--kiek!" + +They insisted on her concluding with a fandango. She protested. In vain. + +They shoved the tables against the wall, and Lilly, making her own music +through her teeth, whirled about the room more madly than ever before, +and finally collapsed in a corner almost swooning. + +The tumult of applause promised never to subside. + +The women kissed her again and again, the men stroked her hair and arms, +the stiff district attorney sounded a trumpet blast, and Richard, quite +pale with pride, stood there in his Napoleon attitude, tugging at his +moustache. + +But Dr. Salmoni remained at a distance, sad and modest, as if it all +concerned him not in the least. + +The only sign by which she knew he realised it was all meant for him was +a rapid glance of understanding which he threw to her like a laurel +wreath. + +She was still rocking in the tempest when the company prepared to break +up. + +That had been intoxication, the sort of which he had spoken. It hissed +like a flame through her heart and limbs. + +Dr. Salmoni himself helped her on with her fur coat--Richard was busy +paying the waiter--and while he deliberately laid the sable scarf about +her shoulders, he whispered close to her ear: + +"May I come to-morrow?" + +"Yes," she screamed, alarmed at herself. + +Then in defiance of her own cowardice, she turned abruptly on her heels +and shouted sharply, as in anger, directly in his face: + +"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" + +"What's the matter?" everybody asked. + +She merely laughed shortly. What did she care for the others? Wasn't she +aspiring to the heights again? + + * * * * * + +The next morning it was all a spectral dream. The one clear point was: +"He's coming." + +With the applause still ringing in her ears she had stretched herself +and thought: + +"Now he knows what I am. Now he knows I'm no dull, shrivelled, half-way +creature for the valleys, no slave nature, no sheep that runs with the +flock, no Mrs. Grundy-made fool, who voluntarily conforms to each and +every convention. Now he knows I'm a free, proud woman, who, like +himself, drinks in the light on the heights, one of those complete +women, those maenads who dance a wild dance over abysms and mock at death +even when he has them in his clutches." + +Then her faintheartedness crept over her again. What after all had she +done besides drink herself into a champagne mood, sing a few comic +songs, and dance an abandoned dance? She had behaved like a music-hall +danseuse, and had harvested the very doubtful approval of a +semi-intoxicated audience. + +If that alone was required for belonging to the elect, to the mighty, +laughing, chosen ones, of whom Dr. Salmoni's books spoke! + +No, oh, no! After last night's performance he could feel nothing but +contempt for her, or, at most, pity. It was to tell her this to her face +that he would come to visit her, if at all. He would let her feel her +lowness and then go his own way, benevolent but untouched. + +She would not suffer him to go. She would cling to him and cry: + +"You promised to lead me up to the heights out of these depths of +distress, out of this insipid existence, out of this void! Be true to +your word. Do not desert me. I will do whatever you wish. I will be your +thing, your creature. But don't desert me." + +In feverish expectancy she dressed, waved her hair, and rouged her lips, +pale from nights of pleasure. She made herself as beautiful as she +could. + +A little before twelve the bell rang. + +He? + +No. Mrs. Jula. + +As if by mutual agreement she and Mrs. Jula had avoided each other since +that evening of confidences. And now, without having announced her +visit, here she stood, wearing her most cordial expression, and asking +for a brief interview. + +Lilly hesitated. + +"Really I shan't keep you long, my dear. I understand--you're expecting +some one." + +"Not that I know of," replied Lilly, aware she was blushing. + +"Don't deny it. Dr. Salmoni is coming. I know the joke. I once stood the +same way, pale one instant, the next instant red, and waited for him. +The only difference is, my house gown wasn't such an angelic red. I was +plain Bordeaux red. All the same to him. He takes us in Bordeaux red, +too."' + +"What do you mean?" Lilly faltered. + +"What do I mean? Do you know what our circle with all our pretty legeres +women is to Dr. Salmoni? It's a sort of fishing pool, where he angles +from time to time to land something for which he just then happens to +have an appetite. There you have it, my dear!" + +"That's slander!" cried Lilly, flaring up. "He's never made approaches +to me. We've never so much as mentioned the word love to each other." + +"No need," replied Mrs. Jula, and laughed exultingly. "He doesn't bother +with such petty things. He knows when the time comes we shall swim into +his net without it." + +Lilly felt herself getting still angrier. + +"We've always spoken of pure, noble things, of a proud humanity. And if +you and your like cannot understand his language, if you insist--" + +"One moment, my dear," Mrs. Jula interrupted her. "No need to be +insulting. I came to you out of good motives. As for the others--it was +_toute meme chose_ to me. I even licked my chops. But _you_, I love +you, even if you don't want to have anything to do with me. _You_ he's +to leave as you are. And last night, when I saw how far things had gone, +I couldn't quiet down. I had to come to you before he--" + +"Really, you're mistaken," said Lilly, though unable to refrain from a +furtive glance at the clock. + +Mrs. Jula, upon whom the glance was not lost, made a little grimace. + +"Never mind. When the bell rings I'll slide out through the guest room. +But before then I am in hopes of having completed my work. See here, +child"--she seated herself at one end of the sofa and drew Lilly down +beside her--"why, all of us poor women crave to rise again, or once did, +when like you we were tolerably faithful to the one. At the +psychological moment, enter Dr. Salmoni. He doesn't have to work so hard +for some of us, but he seems to like it. He must first salivate on us +like an adder on a sparrow. He has various methods. With a cold mug like +Karla, of course, he behaves very differently from the way he behaves +with such as you or me. To us he says in the beginning: 'I cannot get +over my astonishment at seeing you in these surroundings. Tell me, what +seek you here?'" + +Lilly started. + +"Well, did he, or didn't he?" + +"Yes--but--" + +"Very well, yes. That's all I want to know. Then he describes the +dangers threatening us provided we continue to live in chains. His pet +abomination is duty. He cannot bear it. As if we were so awfully +particular about our little bit of duty. Lordy! Well, is that the way it +went?" + +"Yes--but--" stammered Lilly. + +"Good. Then _he_ will deliver us. _He_ will guide us. He's the mountain +guide ordained. 'Upward--up to the heights!' _N'est-ce pas?_" + +Lilly turned her face away to conceal her blush of shame. + +"Next in turn come the books. Miserable palaver written by immature +little scribblers in imitation of the great Nietzsche. Nevertheless we +all fall into the trap. It gets into our blood like Spanish fly. It +quite befuddles us. The thing that so infuriates us afterwards is that +we actually believed in the scoundrel's woebegone pathos, although the +mangiest cynicism crops out of every pore of his body. But we're such +sheep, and he's so clever--so clever. Yes, he is clever. You must give +the devil his due." + +"But how does he manage," asked Lilly, who no longer dared to shield +him, "how does he manage to make it appear that he lived through our +entire past with us?" + +"Yes, child. People in similar circumstances usually have similar +experiences. He can easily reconstruct our past--of those of us who came +from the country. I'm a landed proprietor's daughter. Didn't he tell you +in a by-the-way that he had passed a great part of his youth in +castles?" + +Lilly assented. + +"Later I learned he had been private tutor to a Jew living on a leased +estate near Breslau. But they bounced him pretty soon because he was +saucy." + +In the midst of her sad disenchantment Lilly had to burst out laughing. + +"Fine," said her friend in approval, stroking her hands. "You may well +feel happy. I wish someone had come to me the same way. Because +afterwards, oh, how it hurts!" + +"Yes, tell me, how is it--afterwards?" asked Lilly, hesitatingly. + +"Very simple. After he's gotten what he wants, finis. He buttons up his +coat, says in a voice quivering with emotion, '_au revoir_,' but there +never is a _revoir_. You never see him again." + +"Impossible!" cried Lilly, horror-stricken. "A man can't treat a woman +so currishly." + +"You--_never--see--him--again_, I tell you. What do you suppose? The man +has weightier matters to attend to. I wrote my fingers sore--not a line +in reply. Mrs. Welter lay on his threshold. Karla got the jaundice, she +was so furious. And so on. But his name is eel. When you meet him later +in company, you don't read the faintest recollection in his eyes. At the +very most he 'jollies' you like the rest." + +Lilly, alarmed, brought it home to herself that she, too, had "later" +encountered a conscience in company and had forcibly extinguished every +recollection, no matter how much the conscience besought her with his +comically mournful glances. One person behaved like the other in this +world where you threw your dignity away like an ill-fitting dress. + +She hid her face on the sofa arm shaken with a storm of shame and guilt. + +"Never mind," Mrs. Jula comforted her. "Nothing has happened yet." + +The bell rang. + +Lilly hurried to the kitchen to tell the maid to dismiss the visitor, +but Mrs. Jula restrained her. + +"What's gotten into your head?" she whispered. "Would you have him think +you're afraid of him? That way you'll never be rid of him. Laugh at him. +Do you understand? _Laugh_ at him--long and hard." + +Lilly wanted to run after her and beg her to remain. Was she, Lilly, +his match? He was already entering the room. + +Drawn to her full height she looked at him as at a dead enemy. + +"My dear child," he said, kissing her hand, which she quickly withdrew. + +He had exercised great care in dressing. He wore straw-coloured gloves, +and held his silk hat pressed to his breast. His monocle danced on his +white waistcoat. An air of smug self-confidence, of unpretentious +mastery enveloped his being like a mild glory. The way he settled +himself comfortably in his chair, the way he amiably crossed his legs +indicated that of course she had been subjugated. + +Lilly was no longer fearful or timid, nor did she experience the pangs +of disillusionment. She was simply possessed of cool, conscious +curiosity. + +She followed each of his movements with astonished eyes, as he passed +his hand over his shining hair cut brush fashion, and pulled his +trousers up and exposed the red-dotted stockings on his ankles. + +She kept saying to herself: + +"So _that's_ what you are, _that's_ what you are." + +He began to speak in a soft, compassionate, caressing voice, while his +peering eyes glided up and down her body. + +"You're excited, dear child. I understand. When two people like us are +brought alone together for the first time in their lives, their feelings +run away with them. Don't be ashamed. What led us to each other is such +a delicate, subtle understanding--the fluid between us is of such a +rare, fleeting quality--" + +"Yes--fleeting, especially," thought Lilly, "--that it would really be +a shame if we did not taste every drop of it. And a superabundance of +feelings would simply be a hindrance to the spiritual epicureanism in +both of us, particularly in me." + +As he spoke, slightly smacking his lips and swaying back and forth, the +refrain of a Viennese ditty in her repertoire occurred to her: "I have +much too much sentiment." + +"He has much too much sentiment," she said to herself, and smiled +involuntarily. + +He saw the smile, which she tried to conceal by lowering her face, but +he misinterpreted it. + +"There is a coy virginity about you," he said with an admiring shake of +his head, "which always fills me with astonishment." + +"Oh, you jackanapes," thought Lilly, and smiled again. + +Now he hesitated a bit. He had not had all his experience for nothing, +and a flash of greed and suspicion darted from between his lids. + +"Oh," he continued, "has some of the delightful humour that you +surprised us with last night remained over for to-day?" + +"Perhaps," she replied with an upward glance which was almost +coquettish. + +"Oh, splendid!" he cried. His face now brightened into a mischievous +smile, in which gaiety and devilishness counterbalanced each other. "Are +you one of those who can laugh in her sleeve at--at--how shall I +say?--at the whole humbuggery of it all--and at yourself? At yourself, +my child, that's the main thing. Then you and I are one--nothing divides +us. Then--" + +"May God forgive me," she thought, and held her handkerchief to her +mouth to suppress her tittering. + +"Laugh at him," Mrs. Jula had said. + +But he seemed to take it as an invitation, as a delicate, friendly hint +to cut the preamble short; for he sprang toward her and clasped her +body. + +She pushed him back--she wrestled with him. + +Tears of shame and indignation welled up in her eyes. + +"What sort of a thing have I become?" a voice within her cried, while +she struck at him with her fists. + +In the midst of the struggle she succeeded in reaching the bell. + +The maid appeared. + +He picked up his hat from the carpet, murmured something like +"riffraff," and disappeared. + +Disappeared also from the little circle that he had sometimes honoured +with his presence. + + * * * * * + +Henceforth Lilly ceased to aspire to the heights. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +The next year Lilly went through two little love affairs which were of +no significance in her after life. + +During a four weeks' stay in the Riesengebirge, she met a novelist whose +name was then on everybody's lips. He was airing his newly acquired fame +in the Bohemian resorts and plucking what flowers he found by the +roadside. He forced himself upon Lilly without much ceremony, and a few +days later went his way in search of pastures new. + +And in Berlin she favoured a handsome, extremely elegant hussar of the +Guards, who had flirted with her from his seat at the next table in an +aristocratic restaurant. But he wounded her pride by attempting to repay +her with a little leather box which came from the jeweler's. She sent +back the box and turned him off. + +She disliked the thought of both adventures, and soon wiped them +entirely from her memory. + +At Christmas a companion came to live with her. She had frequently +complained to Richard that her life was empty; she craved something +alive and loving to take care of. So he gave her a little naked monkey +which could not warm itself even in her bosom. When angry, the monkey +spat his scorn of her yearning in her face. + +Every now and then a marriage scheme was again propounded. + +Lilly knew the signs perfectly. + +When Richard paced through all the rooms, taciturn and distraught, +wrinkling his forehead; when apropos of nothing he began to philosophise +on the futility of all things earthly; when mama required the carriage +at unwonted hours, and little packages of concert and opera tickets +filled his purse, she knew something was impending. + +And then it seldom lasted long before Richard broke silence. + +One had two millions, the other three. Influential relatives, mines, +factories, legacies, government contracts, whole blocks of houses, and +innumerable building lots nodded in the distance. + +Sometimes Lilly's drawing-room hummed with so many figures that it might +have been a stockbroker's office. + +One of the prospective brides even was poor. But she was a general's +daughter, and mama adored her. + +"I'm a general's widow," said Lilly. + +Whether rich or poor, they all disappeared, because none of them was +good enough for him. + +Lilly meditated and schemed; this is the way she should be, and this +way, and this way. She must have white, column-like arms such as the +Danish girl at the carnival; and she must have an extremely delicate, +scarcely perceptible bosom--her own seemed to Lilly to have become too +voluptuous--and when she laughed, two dimples must form in her cheeks, +because dimples were a sign of peaceableness. + +Peace she demanded for him above all. She knew he could not bear +disputes. As a matter of fact they never did quarrel. But if a little +disagreement arose, he went about for days looking miserable, spoke in a +woebegone, sick tone, and had to be petted like a child. Which she did +with joy, though he by no means deserved it. + +For, whatever the standpoint from which you viewed such things, he had +become an out and out good-for-nothing. + +He might be pardoned the very respectable sums he lost at the club, but +he debauched like a married man, and his experiences were none of the +purest. + +One day a pretty young thing with an eight weeks' old baby on her arm +came to Lilly and wept and screamed, and declared Lilly must cede her +place to her because she had the child by him and so the greater right. + +Lilly comforted her and gave her some wine, and, filled with envy, +tickled the baby's wet little chin until it laughed. Whereupon the girl +left quieted, and even kissed Lilly's hand on parting. + +That afternoon Richard listened to an eloquent discourse. + +Lilly felt herself to be entirely free from jealousy. + +Whenever he appeared looking embarrassed or with a crafty expression in +his eyes, his head inclined all the way to the left, and radiating an +odour of cheap perfumes, she always received him with an indulgent +smile, which he understood very well and feared like a plague. + +However valiant his resolve to maintain silence, it scarcely lasted half +an hour before he sat there hopelessly stranded, making partly veiled +confessions and asking for praise and comfort. + +In a life of this sort, which reflected all the faults and perfidies of +marriage without bestowing its sense of dignity and natural rights, it +was inevitable that Lilly should withdraw into herself more and more and +look forward to her future with increasing gloom. + +She passed her days as on a swaying bough in momentary expectation of +being blown into the depths. Then again her life seemed to her like a +straight, bare road, which gave no signs of coming to an end, but ever +unrolled hopeless stretches ahead. + +Always the same pleasures, the same faces, the same aimless drifting +from place to place until dawn. + +Sometimes she felt so weary--as if after a day's hard labour. + +Sometimes, too, she went on strike, and remained in bed reading the +_Fliegende Blaetter_, or dreaming of old times with closed eyes. + +Mrs. Asmussen's sunless hole among the books became a paradise, her +mush, food for the gods. Lilly's thoughts stepped cautiously about the +pictures of her girlhood loves, as if it were a crime to charm them back +into being. From this arose a happy, yet fearful presentiment that one +or the other of them would return, and hold out his hand, and say: "Now +you have strayed in strange lands long enough. Come back home." + +Which of them it was she did not venture to say. But one of them it must +be. Something, something _must_ happen. It could _not_ go on the same +way. + +Now and then, when her secret disquiet filled her with unrest, she took +again to her nocturnal strolls. In the electric tram she would ride to +distant districts, where, with a guilty soul, she sauntered along lively +streets. + +Just like Mrs. Jula. + +Yet she could never bring herself to listen to any of her pursuers. + + * * * * * + +It was on one such excursion in May far out on the north side, somewhere +near the Rosentaler Tor, that she met a young man who paid not the +slightest attention to her, who did not look like a gentleman, and yet +seemed familiar. + +So familiar that her heart pained her. + +She racked her brain, but could not place him. + +Making up her mind quickly she turned about and followed him. + +He wore a brown, sweat-soaked hat and a salt and pepper suit with a +yellow tinge to it, which had seen better days. His coat collar was +shiny, and his knees had worked great bags into his trousers, the bottom +of which hung in black fringes over his crooked heels. + +None of her friends in disguise. Her friends wore different trousers. + +He stopped in front of various display windows--a cigar shop, a +butcher's, and, longest of all, a haberdasher's. From which Lilly +concluded his undergarments also required a change. + +When he turned his profile toward her, she saw a lean, bony face with a +prominent nose and a bush of reddish-brown hair on either side of his +chin. He did not appear to be sickly; rather seedy or withered. But the +lids of his small, slit-like eyes were swollen and inflamed, and before +he stepped into the garish illumination of the shop window, he planted +dark-blue goggles on his nose. + +He carried a thin cane, which he pressed into the shape of a bow on the +pavement and then let shoot out straight again. The silver handle of +this cane, which did not harmonise with the shabbiness of his clothing, +recalled something to Lilly connected with chilliness, warm rolls, +autumnal glow, and Sunday chimes. + +She cried aloud. Now she remembered. + +Fritz Redlich! Yes, it was Fritz Redlich. No doubt of it. Her girlhood +love! Her girlhood love! Her great warrior in life's battles! Her St. +Joseph's protege! + +Oh, God, her St. Joseph! And the revolver! And the potato soup with +sliced sausage! And the three graves at Ottensen! + +"Mr. Redlich! Mr. Redlich!" + +Trembling, laughing, she stood behind him and stretched out both hands. + +He dropped his goggles and blinking his weak eyes, suspiciously +scrutinised the tall, elegant lady from behind whose lace veil two +great, tear-filled eyes were shining a blissful greeting. Then he +awkwardly pulled at the brim of his hat. + +"Mr. Redlich--I'm Lilly--Lilly Czepanek. Don't you remember me any +more?" + +Yes, now he remembered. + +"Certainly," he said, "why shouldn't I?" + +As he spoke he gave a furtive jerk at his waistcoat, as if that were the +readiest way of improving the poverty of his appearance. + +"Dear me, Mr. Redlich! We haven't seen each other for an eternity. I +think it must be seven or eight years. No, not quite. But it seems much +longer. Everything's gone well with you in the meantime, hasn't it? And +I suppose you're dreadfully busy. But if you're not, we might spend a +little time together now." + +He really was quite busy, but if she so desired, they might remain +together a while. + +"How would it be if we went to a restaurant and took a glass of beer?" +she suggested, still between laughter and tears. "Well, well, Mr. +Redlich, who'd have thought it possible?" + +He was decidedly opposed to taking a glass of beer. + +"Restaurants are always so stuffy and full of people, and the beer here +is so wretched--unfit to drink." + +"The poor fellow has no money to pay for it," Lilly thought, and +proposed sitting on a bench instead. It made no difference, just so they +were together. + +"That's worth considering," he said, "although--" He looked about warily +on all sides to see if anyone was scandalised at the ill-matched couple. + +They turned into the quieter Weinbersgsweg. Lilly, looking at him +sidewise with pride and emotion, as if she had created him out of +nothingness, kept murmuring: + +"Is it possible? Is it possible?" + +In a dark spot near a church they found a pleasant bench overhung with +lilac buds which a love couple had just vacated. + +"Well, now tell me all about yourself, Mr. Redlich. My, the things we +have to say to each other!" + +"There _is_ a good deal to tell," he replied, hesitating, "but perhaps +my lady will begin." + +"Oh, pshaw, I haven't been a 'my lady' for a long time," cried Lilly, +blushing consciously. + +"Yes, to be sure--I heard something of the sort," he replied. + +Lilly felt there was a note of blame in his tone, as if his +susceptibilities had been offended. + +"But I'm not in the least sorry," she hastened to add. "All in all I +lead a much freer and pleasanter life. And I haven't the slightest +cares. I have a charming little home. In fact, I'm in the best of +circumstances. And I'd be ever so happy if you were to come and see for +yourself. I'm always at home in the middle of the day. And I'd like you +to dine with me some time." + +"Oh," he said, obviously moved by the pleasant prospect. + +She drew a breath of relief at having steered so smoothly past the rocks +of her autobiography. + +And he asked no questions. On the other hand he seemed as little +disposed to be communicative in regard to his own situation past or +present. + +"Life has a sunny and a shady side," he said, "and he who sits on the +shady side would do well to reflect whether or not he should speak much +of it." + +"But you can trust an old friend like me," cried Lilly. "Imagine we're +sitting here on our porch in Junkerstrasse. Do you recollect? That +evening we spoke to each other the first time was an evening just like +this, in May." + +"It was warmer," he rejoined quickly, and drew his coat together at his +neck. + +"Are you chilly?" she asked, laughing, because she was aglow. + +"I didn't bring--" he paused an instant--"I didn't bring my spring +overcoat along to-night." + +"Then we'd better get up," she said, becoming meditative. + +"We can tell each other all we have to say just as well walking as +sitting." + +So they strolled about the dark church a number of times, but no +autobiographical narrative resulted. She evaded and he evaded, and when +forced to speak, they regaled each other with generalities. + +Lilly praised her happy lot in life, and he sighed repeatedly. + +"Yes, it's hard, very hard!" + +Exactly as once during examinations. The rhythm of it still sounded in +her ears, as if she had heard it the day before. + +"How are your father and mother?" she asked to change the subject. + +His father had died two years before after a short sickness, and his +mother still sewed neckties. + +He adjusted something invisible under his raised coat collar, probably a +gayly patterned testimony of maternal skill and goodness. + +After Lilly had expressed her sympathy she ventured with throbbing heart +to inquire after Mrs. Asmussen and her daughters. + +Mr. Redlich smacked his lips audibly. + +"Very unpleasant neighbours. The elder girl married a paymaster, who +will probably be dismissed soon on account of his irregularities. The +younger has charge of the library, the mother is completely in the +clutches of drink." + +He spoke with the same offended air as when Lilly had referred to her +divorce. + +"He must be extremely moral still!" she thought, with a sense of her own +guilt and unworthiness. + +But he was unhappy. That was certain. + +And poor, very poor. Poorer than she had ever been in her life. Perhaps +he was suffering the pangs of hunger while he walked at her side +shivering in his thin, shabby jacket. + +"How would it be, Mr. Redlich, provided your business permits you to, if +you were to come to dinner to-morrow?" + +His business, as a matter of fact, made it practically impossible for +him to get off in the middle of the day, and he hadn't a moment's time +for changing his clothes; but if she would receive him in the suit he +was wearing-- + +"Oh of course," she laughed. "I'll even serve you with your mother's +potato soup." + +With that she pressed both his hands and slipped into a street car. + +Oh, what a piece of good fortune! + +Now she had the thing she had so long been seeking. Some one whom she +could care for and pet and spoil; some one to whom she meant more than a +toy or a show piece, who needed her as he needed bread and air, who +languished for a gentle hand to lead him back to hope and joy. + +Some one all to herself, all to herself! + +Out of the grave of her youth he had risen exactly as she had dreamed in +her dreams. + +Life would again become rich--and happy--and full of secrets, tiny, gay, +absolutely innocent secrets. + +That night she slept little, wakeful as a child the night before +Christmas. + +The next morning, to the vast astonishment of the maid, a buxom wench +from the country, who had rapidly fallen into city ways, Lilly rose +early--the maid knew her to be a bit lazy--and went off to market. + +"A friend is coming to dinner," Lilly laughingly explained. + +She had to buy everything herself, the meat, the radishes, and above all +the sausage that had once been the pride of his mother's potato soup. + +She even attended to the cooking herself. + +She set the table and removed the palm from beside the aquarium to have +something green in the dining-room in place of flowers, which she had +forgotten to buy. + +He was the first dinner guest she had had for two and a half years, and +such a dear one--the dearest, perhaps that life could present her with. + +At half past twelve the maid, turning up her nose, announced a young +fellow who insisted upon speaking to the lady. + +"Why, that's he!" cried Lilly. + +"He doesn't look it," observed the maid with a haughty upward inflection +in her voice. Shrugging her shoulders she dawdled behind her mistress, +who ran to meet the guest. + +At first he shyly hesitated to step into the lighter part of the room, +and hugged the door post and pulled at his suit, which really looked +dreadfully frayed, even more so than the night before. + +His inflamed eyes, two red rifts, blinking behind his round glasses, +gave him a sheepish, groping, helpless appearance. The bold thinker's +forehead had acquired an unpleasant backward slope because the genius +lock no longer fell over it. And the triumphant blond mane had turned +into a strawy, matted mass, apparently untouched by a comb this many a +day. + +He was unable to say much. + +He swallowed the potato soup with tremulous devoutness, leaving the +slices of sausage for the last. When his plate was quite dry he spitted +them on his fork one at a time, and on conveying each bit to his mouth +cast suspicious glances to right and left as if somebody were standing +nearby to snatch it away. + +The roast he received with greater composure. He heaped his plate high +without paying the least attention to the maid, who grinned +villainously. + +He drank Richard's good claret in long draughts. A mottled red flecked +his cheeks; he laughed and felt he was himself again. + +At first Lilly had been somewhat depressed; but as he gradually thawed +out, she began to hope he might be made to pass muster after all. + +Then it suddenly occurred to her that now at last an opportunity +presented itself for the genuine salvation of a human being, not merely +a game of enamoured self-deception as with Walter von Prell. + +The thought filled her with blissful, confident hope. + +After the meal they went into the drawing-room. With masterful ease of +manner born of the unwonted drink, he promptly seated himself in the +rocking chair and tickled the snarling monkey. + +He sat leaning back in the chair with his legs stretched out. The +fringed ends of his trousers slipped into the expanded tops of his +boots, exposing the tattered rubber drawing loops. + +It was an appalling sight. + +"I'll have to do something," thought Lilly, and cogitated on the best +way to help him. + +As for Mr. Redlich, now that his spirits were in turmoil, he turned his +innermost being outward and aired his views of life. + +Oh, what a display of gall and poison! + +He had become so embittered by long privation and eternal envy of those +who seemed gay, happy, and favoured by fortune, that no values, no +attainments, no prosperous undertakings could withstand his onslaught. +Everybody was hollow, corrupt and hypocritical. Everything depended on +birth, cliqueism, "pull." Success, no matter in what line, was an +ineradicable stain. + +But this time also he said little of his personal experiences. Lilly +could not even discover if he was still a student. He acknowledged only +one thing, with bitter resentment, that his deepest feelings had been +badly damaged in his constant struggle for existence. + +While he spoke and laughed spasmodically, two lugubrious, sarcastic +folds cut a deep semicircle in each emaciated cheek. Lilly dimly +recalled that a tendency to those folds had existed in the times long +ago. + +"Oh, you poor, poor fellow!" she thought, and vowed soon to make a man +of him again, both outwardly and inwardly. + +But his visit left her feeling sad and depressed. + +"After all--am I better off?" she thought. "Where is the confidence in +life I used to have? Where is my joy of life? Where is my Song of +Songs?" + + * * * * * + +The next afternoon, before Richard came, she devised a plan by which +she could give Fritz Redlich new clothes without damage to Richard's +purse or Fritz Redlich's feelings. + +"Think of it," she said to Richard while they were drinking tea +together, "two great events occurred to me yesterday, one a very happy +one, the other very sad. The first is, I met a dear old friend I used to +know when I was a girl. Before he went to the university he lived on the +same floor as I did. And this morning a poor student was here. He looked +simply wretched, and he asked for something to eat. In case he comes +again, have you any old clothes to give him? No matter what. He needs +everything." + +"With pleasure," said Richard. "I don't know what to do with all the +stuff I have at any rate." + +But the other one, the friend of her girlhood, made Richard thoughtful. + +"What's he like?" he asked. + +In her endeavour to keep the two mythical beings quite distinct, she +began to sing the "other one's" praises much too emphatically. He was a +highly endowed and quite prominent scholar, who had just completed his +university course, and now stood at the entrance to a brilliant +career--a paragon of knowledge and intellect and heaven knows what else. + +What was his specialty? + +She really did not know. Something awfully erudite, at any rate. And he +would surely choose an academic career. Nothing else was worth while for +him. + +Lilly talked herself into such a tangle of lies that finally she +scarcely knew what she was saying. + +Richard, who in the consciousness of his intellectual poverty, felt a +tremendous respect for a great mind, grew red in the face and looked +uneasy and nettled. + +"I suppose he'll be wanting to visit you?" he asked. + +"Certainly," she replied, rejoiced at having steered in this direction +so smoothly. + +"Congratulate you on your affinity," he said with a mocking bow, and +added, laughing: "Provided I needn't meet him." + +Perfect. + +The next morning a man employed in the factory brought Lilly a huge +bundle from Mr. Dehnicke. It contained a fine summer suit in the latest +style looking almost new; shirts, a pair of boots, and blue, silky +underwear. + +Richard seemed to want to prove his magnanimity in a particularly +striking way, because prodigality toward the poor was not in his line. + +The next difficulty was to turn the garments over to Fritz Redlich +without offending him and having him refuse them. + +When he visited her three days later she took occasion, after dinner, to +show him through the rooms. He must see how she lived, she said. + +When she came to the door of a lumber room she opened it quite naturally +as she had the others. There among discarded waists, broken vases, +withered plants, and similar litter, hung the suit. + +"I brought it along by mistake, and some more men's clothes, when I left +the general's house," she explained. "It's getting worn just hanging +here." + +Mr. Redlich's small, sickly eyes became bright and greedy. + +Perhaps he knew some one who could make use of them? + +"Not that I know of," he replied disdainfully, though unable to withhold +a glance at his own trousers. + +Perhaps he had met some one to whom he would be doing a favour if he +gave him the suit? + +No, he could think of no one. + +Despite her fear of hurting him, Lilly said straight out, she didn't +believe she was mistaken--a remarkable similarity of figure--though the +general had measured a bit more about the waist--and if he wanted to +entrust the suit to an inexpensive tailor-- + +The suggestion angered him. Did she think he was a charity case? Nobody +could class him so low as that. He was a man of firm principles, and his +principles would never permit him to wear a person's cast-off clothes. + +With a sigh Lilly desisted from her project. + +But he could not make up his mind to take leave. He sat in the +drawing-room an interminable time. Finally she had to hint to him to go, +because Richard might enter any moment. + +At the head of the stairs outside her door, he turned and asked, +stuttering, whether the next time he might come in the evening. + +"Haven't you leisure any more in the middle of the day?" she demanded, +taken aback. For Richard's sake she did not care to receive visitors +late in the day. + +No, not that. So far as leisure was concerned, it was--it was--. He hung +on, and Lilly listened fearfully for sounds on the staircase below. + +"Then what is it?" + +"I should like to think the matter over very carefully, and--and--" + +"Well, and?" + +"And if it's dark, perhaps I could take the package right along with +me." + +With that he jumped down the steps. + +"The poor fellow, how he must choke down his pride!" she thought, +looking after him. + +The same evening she sent him all the clothes by express, and pinned a +letter inside, in which she excused herself again and again for +enclosing a twenty mark note, in the first place, for a hat, in the +second place, to spare him difficulties with the tailor. + +When he reappeared a few days later, he was scarcely recognisable. The +suit fitted him to perfection, and in order to keep the tips of his +boots from turning up--they were too long for him--he had stuffed them +with cotton wads. + +Even the maid sent him friendlier glances. + +A pity he would not part with his beard and the tousled shock of hair. +But for that disfigurement you might even appear on the street with him. +His cheeks had filled out, and his eyes had improved, thanks to the help +of the physician to whom Lilly had dragged him by main force; and +gradually his manners softened down. He no longer gulped his food, or +picked his teeth with his finger nails; and he learned how to drink +claret. + +His inner being, like his external appearance, also began to reflect the +peaceful comfort of the hospitable home. He abused with discrimination, +and sometimes even the crime of happiness seemed pardonable in his eyes. + +He displayed delightful tact in never probing into Lilly's situation, +and she was grateful to him. + +Although she avoided questioning him as to his own doings, occasional +allusions and complaints of his enabled her to piece together a picture +of his unsuccessful career. + +After two years of starvation, he gave up the teaching profession, and, +consciously sacrificing his convictions, took up the study of theology +in his native city for the sake of one or two scholarships. + +"After all!" thought Lilly, deeply stirred. She recalled the red, sunny +morning when the Sunday chimes sent up their greeting from out of the +green valley. + +But his supreme sacrifice seemed to have done no permanent good. During +the last year he had kept himself alive by occasionally addressing +envelopes, and in other mysterious ways, concerning which he was not +explicit. + +"Nevertheless," he said, "I maintained my dignity. And even if I am poor +and despised, I know my worth, indeed I do." + +He paced the room, fiery and lowering. When he threw out his chest and +ran his hand through his mane, he almost resembled the young hero who +had once filled Lilly's enthusiastic fancy with pictures of inordinate +ambition. + +To complete her work and lead him entirely back to happiness, she tried +to find out what lot in life he desired for himself. + +He wanted to go away. Leave Berlin! He wanted to feel himself a man +again, who does his duty and knows where he belongs and is permitted to +breathe pure air. + +"All of us want something lovely like that," she thought. + +It would have to be a tutorship in a family, anywhere in the country, +preferably with a minister of whose library he could avail himself. + +"And round about the linden trees will bloom," thought Lilly, "and the +wheat will wave in the breeze, and the cattle will wind their way to +water." + +She nearly cried with envy. + +From that day on she worked industriously to satisfy his heart's desire. +She gave him money to insert advertisements in the _Kreuzzeitung_, wrote +letters herself in reply to all sorts of offers, and asked her little +circle of friends to do what they could for him. + +All these transactions had to be carried on in secret to avoid +attracting Richard's attention. Even so she had much to suffer from him +these days. + +He found her wanting in attentiveness to him; he rebuked her for being +cold and loveless, and detected a hostile influence in her every word. + +"That's probably what your intellectual friend says." "You should ask +your brilliant scholar." Thus it went without cease. + +One day the bomb exploded. + +Despite his promise to have the maid announce him when strangers were +present, Richard stepped into the dining-room while Lilly was at table +with her girlhood friend. He had neither rung nor knocked, and a frown +of revenge puckered his brow. + +Lilly jumped from her seat, paling. + +As if caught in guilt, Fritz Redlich also jumped up. He stood there +awkward and sheepish, while the corner of his napkin slowly glided from +his buttonhole into his soup plate. + +For a moment silence prevailed. Nothing but the tittering of the maid in +the kitchen was to be heard. + +"I beg pardon," said Richard in the same threatening manner. "I merely +wanted to make sure how you are really getting along." + +"Mr. Dehnicke, a good friend of mine--Mr. Redlich, my old friend," said +Lilly. + +Now Richard scrutinised his dread rival more closely--looked in +amazement and disapproval at the rank growth of his beard and shaggy +mane--his gaze travelled downwards--and brightened--a nonplussed look, +but also a joyous look of recognition, betrayed itself in his features. +Wasn't that _his_ suit and _his_ shirt? + +His eyes dropped lower without halting at the napkin in the soup plate. + +Weren't those _his_ trousers? Weren't those _his_ discarded boots which +the brilliant intellectual scholar was wearing? + +"Oh, that's it," he said. "Nothing more." With a wicked grin of scorn +he turned to Lilly, who could scarcely keep on her feet. "May I speak to +you alone for an instant?" + +"Will you excuse me, Mr. Redlich?" she said, and in her confusion and +from force of habit, she opened the door to--the bedroom, as if that +were the prescribed place for single ladies to receive their gentlemen +friends. Richard, who was as accustomed to the way as she, followed her, +unconscious of the exposure of intimacy. + +"Listen," he said upon shutting the door. "I was a donkey for having +been jealous of your affinity. But now I swear to you, your friends may +come and go, morning or evening, any time you wish. I'll always keep old +suits on hand for them. Good-by--goosie!" + +He left. She could hear him laughing even after the door fell shut +behind him. + +She was frightfully ashamed. How would she ever summon the courage to +appear before her girlhood friend again, before that moral person who +had shrunk at the mere mention of her divorce? + +Then she realised she was standing in the bedroom. + +Everything was revealed, all the disgrace of her existence, all, all. + +No matter how unworldly he might be, the role of the man who had so +suddenly intruded in the apartment and as suddenly disappeared, must be +patent. + +A long time she hesitated, the knob in her hand, listening to what Fritz +Redlich was doing. She feared his tread, the clearing of his throat. His +very silence boded evil. + +At last, trembling, ready to confess everything amid tears of +contrition, she stepped into the dining-room. + +Lo and behold! He sat quietly at his accustomed place rubbing at the +spot the wet napkin had made on his waistcoat. The blue goggles lay next +to his plate, and he blinked at her amiably with no air of constraint. + +"Has the gentleman left already?" he asked innocently. + +At that moment the roast was brought in, and he fell to with avidity, +making no further mention of the interlude. + +Actually--so pure was his conscience that he did not detect the impure +even if thrust under his very nose. + +Oh, how grateful she was to him! + +To prove her gratitude she told him he might come evenings also--Richard +permitted it--without waiting to be invited. + +If she should happen to be out, the maid would prepare supper for him, +and see to it that he lacked nothing, absolutely nothing. And mindful of +the wry face the maid had cut the first day he came, she enjoined her +emphatically: + +"Now be real pleasant and friendly to him, so that he always feels at +home here." + +The buxom wench turned down the corners of her mouth and said nothing. + + * * * * * + +Lilly now went to work in behalf of Fritz Redlich with redoubled zeal. + +She again found a ready assistant in Mrs. Jula. + +"Leave the thing to me," said Mrs. Jula one day "There's somebody up +there I've known a long time"--she hesitated a bit--"he's all-powerful, +and has taken the Good Lord's place in many a minister's family. If I +were to write to him--but, of course my name must be kept out, it's +still a red rag to the bull up there." + +The next day Lilly sent her one of the advertisements that Fritz Redlich +had inserted in the paper. Mrs. Jula was to forward it to a certain +person, and the response would then go directly to Fritz Redlich without +the intermediation of a third party. Lilly preferred that his future +fortune should appear to be due entirely to his own efforts. + +And behold! Mrs. Jula was successful. + +One evening the next week Fritz Redlich appeared at Lilly's +unexpectedly--a frequent occurrence now, whether she was at home or +not--and complacently informed her his advertisement had been so +convincing that he had immediately received an invitation from a +minister in Further Pomerania to send his references and be ready to +leave Berlin at short notice. The minister seemed to be quite keen for +him. + +Lilly's heart throbbed with pride. Nothing in the world would have +induced her to betray that she was at the bottom of his good luck. + +His happiness was her work! He himself, therefore, was her possession, +more absolutely her possession than anything in the world. + +During the meal an exalted, blissful silence prevailed. Since he had not +announced his coming, there was no potato soup, the usual first course. + +She excused herself for the omission, and added with a little pang: + +"At any rate you won't take many more meals with me." + +"Probably," he said with an embarrassed glance at the maid, whose +presence evidently troubled him. Had she not been there, he would very +likely have given warmer expression to his feelings. + +After the meal they seated themselves in the drawing-room. + +It was July, and a hot breeze blew through the open windows. But the +naked little monkey, whose cage stood next to the aquarium, shivered +even at this season, and had to be wrapped in a cloak, an attention to +which he submitted, snarling all the while. + +The canary sang its evening song, and twilight fell. + +Fritz Redlich sat in the rocking chair, in which he liked to lounge +after a meal. Lilly walked up and down the room agitatedly. + +"Now I'll be lonely again," she thought, "and I'll fling myself about as +before." + +Yet, what a piece of good fortune it had been. What good fortune! + +She told him so for about the hundredth time. + +"Yes," he rejoined, "what I managed to achieve here through my struggles +is really a piece of good fortune." He emphasised "my struggles." "When +I think what dreadful years those were, how often I had to do violence +to my real character, how often my principles were endangered. And not +only that," he added after a melancholy pause, "if one considers the +doubtful, impure situations into which life throws one, it is really no +wonder that one is infected with the prevailing spirit and commits acts +one would rather have left undone. I tell you, Mrs. Czepanek, it's hard, +very hard." + +"Oh, don't always call me Mrs. Czepanek. Say Lilly right straight out. +We're old friends." + +"I will gladly if you wish it." + +Lilly felt a tenderness for him such as she had not experienced since +her days in the library. Yet it was different from then. It was a +motherly, sisterly tenderness. No, not exactly that either. It was a bit +of everything, and something in addition, which drew nearer and nearer +hesitatingly, like a light in the distance. + +"Tell me something, Fritz," she said, standing in front of him. "Have +you ever been in love?" + +He started as if he had been hit. + +"In love? What do you mean?" + +"Well--what do you think--I mean?" she laughed, scratching the arm of +the rocking chair with her thumb nail. + +He seemed to breathe more easily. + +"For that which one calls real love I've never had the time or the +desire." + +"And hasn't any woman ever loved you?" + +"Do I look as if a woman could love me?" he rejoined, shrugging his +shoulders. + +His embittered dejection annoyed her. + +"Well, well," she said, shaking her finger to comfort him with a little +teasing. + +He started again, as if the mere thought of such a possibility filled +him with dread. + +Poor fellow! A girl's eyes had never sought his in a glow, a woman's arm +had never clasped his neck in bliss. He had been denied the supreme +delight that makes life worth the while both for man and woman. + +An avowal burnt on her lips drifting down from times long, long ago, +which would prove to him how mistaken he was. + +She choked it down. + +Not to-day. Later. Perhaps when he came to say good-by before leaving +Berlin. + +Darkness fell, and the light of the street lamps played on the walls and +ceiling. The monkey had rolled himself into a ball in his cloak, and the +little canary also slept. + +Lilly still paced to and fro, gently grazing his elbow each time she +passed the rocking chair. + +She halted in front of him again. + +There he sat, he whom she had once loved so hotly, and suspected +nothing. Suspected nothing of what women's arms could bestow. + +Poor, poor fellow! + +"You must really have that shock of hair of yours trimmed," she said +with a constrained laugh, "then you'll succeed better with the women." + +With difficulty, as if she were drawing up a hundred pound weight, Lilly +raised her left hand, and laid it on his hard, crisp hair, which sank +under the light touch like a cushion. + +He stopped rocking abruptly, looked about on all sides uneasily, and +coughed a little. + +"Why, yes," he said after a pause. "That's good advice. If I want to +make a pleasant impression in my new position--" + +As he spoke he turned to the window, causing her hand to slip down on +his neck. + +Lilly swallowed a sigh, and he jumped up to take leave. + +She was too embarrassed to invite him to remain. + +The maid was already standing outside with a lamp to light his way down +the stairs. + +"Day after to-morrow!" Lilly called to him from the window. + +He nodded up his thanks, and disappeared in the dark. + +Poor, poor fellow! Engulfed in bitterness and despondency, he walked +away little divining what happy gardens blossomed about him. + +The rest of the evening Lilly was absorbed in anxious, confused +thoughts. + +"I ought not to have laid my hand on his head," she said to herself. + +Nevertheless she was glad she had. + + * * * * * + +The next morning a postal card came from Mrs. Jula saying she had +gotten word from "up there." Everything was proceeding smoothly. Lilly's +protege was to enter his position immediately. Money for his travelling +expenses had already been forwarded to him. + +Lilly wept tears of joy. + +Her work was complete. Her girlhood friend had been saved and won back +to life. With work and effort, with deception and fear she had made him +her own. + +And when he came the next evening, as had been arranged, she would tell +him all: that about her loving him when she was a girl--everything. + +And once again--before parting--she would lay her hand on his mass of +hair. Then what would might follow. + +The next evening she exercised greater care in dressing than was her +wont when she and Fritz Redlich were together. She herself had cooked +his potato soup and cut the right amount of beefsteak for him--he no +longer devoured such huge portions. All the maid had to do was put it in +the saucepan. + +The clock struck eight. He had not come. + +"He's busy packing," she comforted herself. + +The clock struck ten. Hopeless. He was not coming. But perhaps he was +standing on the street outside the locked door clapping the way Richard +sometimes did. + +Lilly remained leaning out of the window until the clock struck eleven. + +Then she went to bed sad and weary. + +The next morning she received the following letter: + + "My dear Mrs. Czepanek:-- + + After I have succeeded through my own efforts in establishing a + livelihood for myself, I deem it my duty to terminate my former + life, which, as I pointed out to you several times, too + frequently forced me into circumstances conflicting with my + principles. My firm character was led into temptations from + which, I will candidly confess, it did not always emerge + intact. + + I am well aware that I am under great obligations to you, and I + hereby duly express my thanks. Nobody shall say Fritz Redlich + is an ingrate. + + I have kept an accurate account of the cash that circumstances + compelled me to accept from you. I will return it, also the + suit I am wearing, as soon as my salary will enable me to. But + had you really respected me, you would have spared me that + humiliating encounter with the gentleman to whom the garment in + question evidently once belonged. + + I may not conclude without making the following remarks: + improve your ways, Mrs. Czepanek. They are a slap in the face + of all the laws of morality. I believe, in giving you this + advice, I prove myself to be a truer friend than if I had + continued to let you think me a dunce. + + I remain your ever grateful + + Fritz Redlich, + cand. phil. et theol." + + * * * * * + +Lilly suffered long and deeply from this experience. + +It was not until some months later, when the maid gave notice because +the solitary evenings with the very moral young student had not remained +without consequences, that Lilly could get herself to see that the +incident had its humorous aspect. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +Early in the autumn of the same year Richard went to Ostend to have a +married man's vacation, while Lilly cheaply and innocently passed for a +widow of rank in a hall resort on the Baltic sea. + +She accepted the homage of several old maids, allowed a young missionary +to dedicate a volume of verse to her, and respectfully declined the +honourable proposal of a widower, the city treasurer of Pirna. Those +were six weeks to her liking. + +The following winter went in much the same way as the preceding. + +At Christmas Richard presented her with a hired carriage, the door of +which, of course, was decorated with the seven-pointed coronet. He had +engaged it in order to avoid disagreeable encounters with his mother, +who spoke of Lilly with increasing severity, and had frequently demanded +the equipage when he was out driving with his mistress. + +He also gave Lilly a sable cloak, one of the new-fashioned sort, with +countless tails, which cost a small fortune. + +Despite Richard's reproaches she made little use of either. That feeling +of dread, never to be stilled, told her that such false display would +drive her ever on into the world which she wanted to flee. + +And while Richard endeavoured with dogged greed to drain the cup of +worldly delights to the very dregs, Lilly's desires went out more and +more to middle-class respectability. She clung to it as the last hope, +which enabled her to drag through her existence, the complete poverty +of which tormented her increasingly there amid the lights and music and +laughter. + +The only one in her circle who now and then stimulated her +intellectually was Mrs. Jula. Mrs. Jula could tell stories, and she +showed familiarity with other worlds, her experiences in which she +elaborated with a lively fancy. + +But for some time a veil of impenetrable mysteries have shrouded that +foolish curly head of hers. The erotic verse she was wont to publish +disappeared from the new-school magazines, and her nymphomaniac little +tales were nowhere to be found. + +When her friends asked her teasingly: "What's become of your art?" she +would laugh coyly, like a bride, and reply: "Wait; you'll see." + +Lilly would now have liked to become more intimate with Mrs. Jula, +having long ceased to consider herself morally superior; but she could +not succeed in approaching her and so she locked her distress and her +longing in her own soul, and went her way thirsting. + + * * * * * + +It happened on the nineteenth of March. Lilly never forgot the date, +because it was St. Joseph's day. + +A day of rough spring winds and reddish sunshine. + +One of those days on which the world's orchestra seems to tune its +instruments before thrilling our senses again with its great spring +symphony. + +The grass on the canal embankments was already turning green, the ducks +going in pairs rocked themselves on the wavelets, and great foamy +shimmering slabs of melting ice floated to annihilation. + +Lilly, overwrought by her painful, confused longings, could not endure +remaining indoors. She wanted to run, cry aloud, climb over fences, +throw herself on the bare earth--no matter what--but get away for a few +hours from her prison, which smelled of powder and perfumes and was +burdened by the spirit of idleness. + +She dressed herself for going out, gave a few directions to the +maid--this time an elderly, patronising person, thoroughly accustomed to +service with single ladies--and without troubling to order her carriage, +took the electric tram to the Grunewald. + +At the fencing where the spick-and-span houses of the rich come to an +end, and the abused woods rise high above the restraining yoke of man, +Lilly got out and walked rapidly without caring in what direction. + +A few automobiles whizzed past. Some gentlemen in one of them laughed +and beckoned to her, perhaps merely in sport; perhaps they actually +recognised her. In either case it was best to leave the public road. So +she turned into the path leading along the lake to the old Jagdschloss. + +Here nobody was to be seen far or near. + +The cold March wind swept across the milky water and whirled in the +reeds, causing the dry stalks to rattle and crackle. Ice still glittered +near the edge, though the crust was so thin and sieve-like that each +little wave striving for the shore sent tiny springs shooting up through +the holes. + +Here and there from a pine bough came a bird's song, sorry enough to +extinguish timid spring hopes. + +"In the city streets it looks more like spring than here," thought +Lilly. + +But the freshness of the wind redolent of moss and pine needles did her +good. She battled against its might, taking long strides. Her cheeks +tingled, her frozen blood thawed, and sent fresh life pulsating through +her fallow body. + +And her fallow soul. + +Suddenly she shook with a fit of laughter. It was all nonsense, her +regret and her yearning, Richard's snobbish ambition, his mother's +eternal marriage schemes. Even the respectability she desired was +utterly vapid. + +What would she do with it? She, Lilly the free, the wild, the ruined? +There was something else, something higher. There must be. Not in Dr. +Salmoni's sense. No, oh, no. Something as hard and pure and +life-bringing as this March wind sweeping through her limbs. + +Above her in a pine tree she heard a chipping sound which she had +learned to recognise at Lischnitz. It was a call both of fear and +invitation, which ended in a snappy "Tshek-tshek." + +Lilly stood still, looked up, and whistled. + +A pair of squirrels had been chasing about the trunk in corkscrew lines, +and now, at her appearance, stood stock still in fright. + +"Tshek-tshek," Lilly clucked to incite the little red coats to play. She +did not succeed, and picked up a pebble from the ground. + +Just as she was about to throw it, she saw, behind a tree trunk, two +eyes fastened on her, large, questioning astonished eyes, which narrowed +under her gaze, and darkened, and tried to turn away, but could not. She +knew those eyes. She had looked into them long, long, long ago. + +But, no, she had not; she had never before seen them. + +The young man who, like herself, had been watching the squirrels play +and was still standing half-concealed behind the trunk, his hat in his +hand, was an utter stranger. Impossible that she had ever in her life +met him. If she had, she would never have forgotten him. + +It was not easy to forget that serious, reserved Greek face, with the +nervous nose narrow across the bridge and the shining dreamer's eyes. + +His appearance was not extremely elegant. It pleased Lilly better so. +He wore a brown, somewhat old-fashioned overcoat, and the suit beneath, +of which she caught a glimpse, was of a woolly material sprinkled with +little tufts, by no means of German make and certainly not English. + +Gradually life came into him. He put on his hat, and stepped from behind +the tree. + +"Now he'll speak to me," the sickening thought shot through Lilly's +mind. + +No. He merely raised his hat, glanced at her again for the fraction of a +second with an expression of query, astonishment, and, at the same time +recognition, walked past her, and took the way she had just come. + +Lilly also wanted to leave the spot, but she was unable to; and since +she must not be discovered looking after him she hid behind the same +tree that had concealed him. + +"I wonder whether he will look back." + +No. He did not look back either. She felt hurt and neglected. + +The tall figure dwindled in the distance. "Never been in the army," she +thought, judging from his rather heavy gait. Then it seemed to her that +he stooped, drew himself up again, and looked back. In fact, he spied +about a long time as if compelled to discover her. + +But she kept herself carefully hidden and did not move. + +He walked on and disappeared behind a curve. + +"What a pity I didn't take the carriage," thought Lilly. + +She might be overtaking him now without appearing to follow him, and the +seven-pointed coronet would not have failed of its effect. As it was, he +naturally cherished a bad opinion of the lady who walked about alone +whistling like a boy and throwing pebbles at poor enamoured squirrels. + +Nevertheless, while walking homeward, she felt as if she had been +presented with a lovely gift. + +Where could she have seen him before? + +She recalled a young man of the Dresden days. It was once when she was +out walking arm in arm with the colonel along the Prager Strasse. She +had seen eyes fixed upon her with the very same sad flash of recognition +in them. + +Then--she remembered it well--she had wanted to look back and ask him: + +"Who are you? Do you belong to me? Do you want me to belong to you?" + +But even the partial turn of her head would have been a crime in her +husband's eyes. + +And now, now that she was free, free to choose her friends according to +her heart's desire, she had let him go, him, the one--whether the same +as the Dresden man or another--who belonged to her, perchance, as she to +him. + +She walked along with half-closed eyes, and conjured up his image. A +small, dark, two-cornered beard, so close-cut on his cheeks as to give +them a blue sheen. Such beards were seldom to be seen in Berlin. +Frenchmen and Italians affected them. Full, firm, tightly compressed +lips, lips such as a sculptor chisels. A high, square forehead, on which +something like wrath seemed to be imprinted, not ordinary wrath against +herself or any poor mortal. It was not of this world, and it really was +divine love. + +Thus Lilly's enthusiasm fed itself. She forgot the way, and strayed +about, finally arriving at a spot in an entirely different direction +from that which she should have taken. The most dreadful things might +have happened to her in the woods, where solitary ladies are exposed to +encounters with tramps at any hour of the day. But she scarcely gave +heed to her danger. She reached home two hours too late, tired, but in a +glow. + +She could not eat. She threw herself on the chaise longue and dreamt. + +The bell rang. She heard a man's voice. + +It could not be Richard. He never came before half past four. + +Adele entered. There was a strange gentleman outside who wished to know +whether the lady had lost her card-case. He had found one in the woods. + +Lilly jumped to her feet. Actually the little brocade case which she had +held in her hand with her silver net purse was gone. In her excitement +she had not missed it. + +"Like what does the gentleman look?" + +Tall and young and handsome, in fact, very handsome. + +"A short, dark beard?" + +"Yes." + +Lilly reeled. + +"Let him come in," she stammered. She did not think of beautifying +herself. She merely ran her hands over her face and hair in a dazed way. + +When he appeared in the doorway she scarcely recognised him, so thick +was the red mist before her eyes. + +"I beg pardon," she heard him say--it was the serene voice of a man +whose ways are not impure--"I would not have disturbed you had your +address been on your cards. I found your number in the directory, but I +couldn't be certain whether there were not more of the same name in the +city." + +"You're very kind to have taken all that trouble," she replied, inviting +him to be seated. + +"My name is Dr. Rennschmidt," he said, waiting behind the back of his +chair until she had settled herself in a corner of the sofa. On sitting +down he drew the card-case from his pocket and laid it on the table. + +She smiled her thanks; and feeling she must enhance the value of his +courtesy, she said the case was a memento she prized highly, the loss of +which would have distressed her. + +"A memento of my husband," she added. + +His face grew a shade more serious. + +A little pause ensued, during which his eyes rested steadily on her +face, reading, questioning, comparing, and wondering. Nothing of that +bold groping of other men's glances. A clean, unconscious joy amounting +to devoutness lay in his look. + +"Didn't we meet just a little while ago at the edge of the woods?" Lilly +asked warily. + +"Yes," he replied with animation. "And if I hadn't been so awkward I +should have begged your pardon immediately for having unintentionally +spied on you. I saw how startled you were. But I myself was so--how +shall I say? All I thought was: 'Clear out. You'll be serving the lady +best that way.'" + +His frank, blithe manner did her good, though it shamed her a little. + +"Now you've done me a much greater service," she said, feeling as +appreciative as if he had saved her life. + +"Oh, don't speak of it. If only I had turned back instantly. But the +earth seemed to have swallowed you up. I was worried about you." + +She smiled to herself, fearful in her happiness. A little more, and she +would have acknowledged where she had stowed herself. + +"What did you think of me when you saw me strolling about the woods +alone?" she asked. + +"That you don't feel alone when you're with nature. Otherwise you'd have +had company with you." + +"You're right," she replied eagerly. "Besides, my carriage was waiting +in the Hundekehlenrestaurant"--after all the carriage would play its +part--"but it was imprudent of me. I suppose you are also very fond of +nature?" + +"Very? I hardly know. I must say in Cordelia's words: I love it +'according to my bond; nor more nor less.' To love nature is really no +merit nor peculiarity. It is simply a vital function. Don't you agree +with me?" + +"Certainly," she faltered, and thought, "Oh, how clever he is? How will +I acquit myself?" + +"But to be quite frank," he continued, "I am having a strange experience +with nature here. I cannot accustom myself to it. Its poverty oppresses +me. I am like one who has outgrown his home and reproaches himself for +it. I try to get back to my old attitude, and I admire and flatter +German nature whenever I possibly can. But first other pictures in my +mind must fade. You see I have just returned from Italy, where I spent +the last two years." + +Heaving a deep sigh Lilly stared at him. She felt as if now he were +absolutely unearthly. + +"Two whole years?" she asked in astonishment. + +"I am working on a large scientific work, on account of which--no, I was +really sent to Italy on account of my health. My uncle, who's a father +to me, wanted me to go. I didn't think of the work until I got there. +Then my own country and my studies, everything, fell into the +background." + +As he spoke his eyes glowed and stared into space, full of will and +enthusiasm. The old, slumbering desire for Italy began to beat its wings +again in Lilly's breast. + +"Yes," she cried with the same enthusiasm as he, "isn't it so? There +all ideas grow, and you feel what you can do, and you become what you +wanted to be from the first. Isn't it so? I've never been there, but +I feel what I say strongly. There, in the home of everything +great and beautiful, you yourself become greater and more +beautiful--and--everything--sordid passes away. Isn't it so?" + +He listened dumbfounded, and embraced her with a beaming gaze. + +"Yes," he replied almost solemnly. "It is so, exactly." + +She tingled with delight. Did it not seem that with these words he made +an avowal of the inner union between them, the avowal she had hoped for +from the very first instant of their meeting? Did it not seem that +nothing now separated them? + +She looked down helplessly. + +Was he really the embodiment of that shade which had so senselessly +fastened itself upon her soul since the Dresden days? + +"I feel as if we had met before," she said softly without raising her +eyes. + +"Exactly the way I feel," he rejoined hastily. "But it cannot be, for I +should know where and when." + +"Were you in Dresden six years ago at about this time?" + +"No," he said. "Six years ago I was studying at Bonn. The semester came +to an end at this season, but I went directly to my uncle, who was +having his castle restored." + +"Where is his castle?" + +"Near Coblenz." + +So they had not met in Dresden. + +"But if we both have the same feeling--" said Lilly. + +"There are pictures in our souls which seem to be recollections, but in +fact are previsions." + +"What do you mean?" + +"I mean that one--that one--walks as on the edge of a knife between the +past and the present, and reels and falls into a void the instant--" + +"What?" + +"The instant--" he broke off--"I beg your pardon, are you an artist?" + +"Why?" she asked, unpleasantly taken aback. Did he want to make merry at +her expense? + +"I read your sign outside." + +The sign! "Pressed Flower Studio." + +Violently torn out of sweet dreams and plunged into bitter reality! + +But now she must be on her guard. She must not lose his esteem. + +"In a way," she replied. "A very modest sort of art which I used to +pursue. But it made me very happy. I learned it just after I lost my +husband"--the fatal "divorce" would not pass her lips--"less for the +sake of a livelihood than to lend my life content. But then I had to +give it up--because--of a trouble with my eyes." + +Three lies in the same breath. + +Why not? She was lies within and lies without. Every gesture, every +thought was a lie. But the great cry of her soul vibrating through her +entire being, "You shall be mine; I will be yours," was _not_ a lie. And +for his sake she continued to lie. + +"I don't like to speak of it." She wiped her eyes with her handkerchief. +"It still pains me. And please don't ever again refer to it in the +future." + +"Again," "in the future," she had said, as if taking it for granted that +they would continue to meet. Her words filled her with shame and +confusion. + +She rose and turned her face aside. + +"I beg pardon," he said, abashed. "I could not have divined--" He rose +to take leave. + +"Stay, stay, stay!" her soul cried. But she was unable to speak. She was +benumbed. + +Perhaps he had seen through her lies, and had instantly realised who +she was, and did not care to remain. She felt haughtiness congealing her +features. + +"It was very kind of you," she said, graciously extending her finger +tips. + +The moment had come in which to invite him to visit her, but the words +froze on her lips. + +He had turned very pale and looked straight into her face expectantly. + +"I hope we meet some time again," he said finally. + +"I hope so," she replied very formally. + +He lightly touched her hand with his lips and left. + +Over! Over! And her fault! + +Happiness had come, had laid its blessing hand on her forehead, and had +flown away again, leaving behind nothing but this pain, a wild pain, +such as she had never before felt. It fairly tore at her throat and +heart like a physical affliction. + +During the night she devised a thousand schemes for hunting him up and +meeting him again. + +He was a scholar and probably frequented the library. She would go there +and read and study, and some day she would surely meet him. + +Or, simpler still, she would write to him. + +"I don't love you," she would say. "Why should I? I scarcely know you. +But I am confident that I could be something in your life. Therefore--" + +Then, disgusted with her lack of dignity, she rejected every plan. + +No, Lilly Czepanek after all would not throw herself away in such +fashion. + +Once more it became impossible for her to remain at home. + +In the daytime she walked along the Potsdamer Strasse and Leipziger +Strasse, where the metropolitan bustle is the greatest. In the evenings +she did not visit distant districts as formerly, but with a busy air +hurried incessantly up and down the lonely banks of the canal near her +home. + +Despite her strict economy she always kept the light burning in her +drawing-room, and did not confess to herself why. + + * * * * * + +It was about eight o'clock in the evening four days after the meeting. +The stars hung like lamps in the heavens. Lilly was pacing along the +further bank of the canal, when she noticed the figure of a young man +who was looking fixedly in the direction in which her home lay. + +She could not distinguish his features, because he kept his back turned. +Besides, he had selected a dark spot for his coign of observation. + +With a slight throbbing of her heart she continued on her way, though +after a while her legs refused to carry her further in the same +direction. She had to turn about. + +She found the dark figure still standing motionless among the trees. +From across the water the light in her drawing-room peered through the +bare branches. + +This time he heard her tread, and faced about. + +She recognised his features and started. + +He also thrilled with the shock of surprise. For an instant he foolishly +pretended not to see her, but then he drew a deep breath and took off +his hat with an abashed smile. + +Lilly trembled so, she could not hold out her hand. + +"Dr.--Rennschmidt," she managed to say. + +He was the first to recover his composure. + +"You will wonder," he began, stepping alongside of her, "why I stand +here in the dark and look over there. If I were to say it was a mere +chance, you wouldn't believe me. So I will frankly confess I could not +rid myself of the thought that at our parting something went +wrong--there was a misunderstanding--precipitancy--I felt I ought to beg +your pardon for something." + +"If you felt that way, why didn't you come up to me, and tell me so?" + +"Was I permitted to?" + +"Why not?" + +"You see, we men have no rights with women except such as they give us. +No others exist for us. To be sure, we may stand in the dark here, and +bite our lips--" + +"Did you?" + +"Don't ask me." + +His voice did not quiver, but a tremour ran through his arm, which +grazed hers. + +Lilly, alarmed, stopped and helplessly looked back at the dark way she +had come. + +"That means--I--I must say good-by?" he asked. + +In the light of the lamp she saw his eyes clinging to her with a look of +fearsome inquiry. + +"Oh, no," she replied slowly, as if some one else were speaking in her +stead. "Now that we are together, we will remain together." + +"I think so, too," he said. The same gravity of an oath lay in his words +as she had put into hers. + +They walked along in silence. + +Then he began in a lighter tone. + +"But I must call your attention to something. Your light is burning. If +you really do want to favour me with an hour, I'm afraid the thought of +the waste will disquiet you." + +"Well, we'll put it out!" she replied gaily, and turned on her heels so +abruptly that he continued to make two or three steps forward. + +As they crossed the slender arch of the Hohenzollernbruecke, he pointed +up to the heavens. + +"Jupiter shines on our undertaking. I like him better than Venus, who +runs after the sun and needs a rosy flooring for her feet." + +"Which is Jupiter?" asked Lilly standing still. + +He eagerly showed her the lord of the heavens and five or six +constellations. Lilly clapped her hands like a pleased child. + +"Now I'll always feel at home up there when I'm alone evenings and look +out of the window." She refrained from saying more of what was in her +mind. + +While he waited in front of the door, she ran upstairs, turned off the +light, put the key in her pocket, and hastily told Adele she would take +supper out that evening. She lingered for nothing else and came hurrying +down again. + +Outside the apartment door she reeled with joy and clung to the post and +sobbed. + +But by the time she reached the street her bearing had become quite +proper. + +"If you are willing to entrust yourself to my guidance," he said, "I +know a little corner no one would dream of finding us in. It's +practically in Italy." + +She drew a deep breath. + +"If only he wouldn't speak so much of Italy," she thought, though for +nothing in the world would she have gone elsewhere than to his Italian +restaurant. + +They walked along the canal for about five minutes talking nonsense. The +medley of lights of the Potsdamer Bruecke was quite near when he paused +in front of a narrow, dimly lighted shop window, where about two dozen +wine bottles wreathed with green cotton vines grew like asparagus out of +sand. + +"Here Signor Battistini serves a Chianti, than which none better is to +be had in Florence," he explained. + +They entered the shop and crossed a small anteroom, in which the +proprietor, black as the ace of spades, was pasting labels behind the +bar. + +"_Sera, padrone_," Lilly's friend greeted him. + +From the anteroom they passed into a rather long, hall-like room filled +with simple tables and chairs. The only decoration consisted of +crisscrossed garlands of shiny green paper bits, evidently ambitious of +being considered vine leaves, which twined about the bare gas brackets +and fell over hooks in the walls. To inform the guests of the occasion +for this luxuriant display, a placard hung from the centre wishing them +on this March evening a "Happy New Year." + +"What do you say to this fairy garden?" asked Lilly's friend, while the +waiter, black as his master, with an improbable pair of fiery wheels in +his face, beseechingly held out his hands for her cloak. + +At the other tables sat young fellows with thick hair, who rolled long, +thread-like cigarettes between their teeth and nearly thrust the +knuckles of their clenched fists in one another's eyes while spouting +Italian with fascinating rapidity. + +"Marble cutters," Dr. Rennschmidt explained in a low voice. "Our great +sculptors employ them as assistants. They earn a great deal of money, +and as soon as they have saved enough they return to Italy to establish +a household." + +Two women sat apart from the men. Their black, lustreless hair drawn +very low on their foreheads gave their eyes the appearance of torches +burning in sombre woods. Gold rings hung in their ears, and their +dresses, cut too deep at the throat, were held together by roughly made +brooches. They looked at Lilly's tall figure in envious admiration, then +fell to whispering busily. + +Dr. Rennschmidt nodded to them cordially, yet with an indifferent air, +as one who has nothing to conceal or reveal. + +"Ballad singers belonging to a Neapolitan folk-song troupe. Their leader +deserted them, and they're now looking for an engagement." + +"Where am I?" thought Lilly. + +It was like a dream, as if an Aladdin's lamp had transported her to a +strange land. The one thing by which she knew she was in Berlin, +Germany, near the Potsdamer Bruecke, was the placard's complacent "Happy +New Year." + +"I've been coming here every day since my return," said Dr. Rennschmidt, +after they had settled themselves comfortably in a corner. "I cannot +cure myself of homesickness for the south. The best German cookery has +no charms for me, and I must have my Chianti. But to-day we'll order +some other wine, because you have to cultivate a taste for Chianti." + +He nodded to the waiter, Francesco by name--Francesco, as if he had just +stepped from a romance about knights and brigands. The two held a lively +conference, the result of which was a dusty, light-coloured bottle. + +The dishes were strange confections of macaroni and meat swimming in +yellowish red gravy. + +Lilly could not recall ever having eaten anything so delicious. She told +him so. But what she did not tell him was that she had never in her +life, never since she could remember, felt so good. + +The last course was a "_giardinetto_," a "little garden," of mandarins, +dates, and Gorgonzola cheese. + +The frothy, yellow wine with an aroma of nutmeg bubbled into the glasses +scattering bright drops. + +Leaning against the wall, Lilly let her eyes rest dreamily on her new +friend's face. + +He turned his head now this way, now that, with rapid little movements +like a bird's. He seemed constantly alert to observe and absorb. Or +perhaps his manner was due to his desire to bestow some additional +attention upon her. His eyes gleamed with eagerness and exuberance of +life, and the network of wrinkles on his brow rose and fell nervously. +The cloud of wrath on his forehead apparently was nothing more than his +seething ardour. + +He had a dear, droll habit which increased the impression of eagerness. +He would raise his outspread fingers to his head as if to run them +through a heavy mass of hair. But the mass was no longer there, and his +hand clapped against his bare forehead and rested there a second or two. + +Everything about him bespoke force and decision--to Lilly's admiration, +well-nigh to her dread. Nevertheless, although a golden brown tinge of +health from the south still coloured his cheeks, his body was not +robust. His throat was delicate, his breath came and went hastily, and +sometimes, when a veil fell over his eyes as if he were looking inward, +a soft weariness crept over his features which gave him an extremely +youthful appearance and evoked motherly feelings. + +"So _that's_ what you are," she thought and stretched herself in +blissful peace. "At last." + +"Why are you closing your eyes?" he asked solicitously. "Aren't you +feeling well?" + +"Yes, oh, yes," she said caressingly. "But speak to me, tell me about +down there where I've always wanted to be and never could be." + +Lilly went on to tell him of the great yearning which the consumptive +teacher had awakened in her, and how it had continued to smoulder under +all the ashes life had cast upon it. + +"I in your place would have made a pilgrimage there barefoot." + +"Pshaw," she said. "I've had money enough. But I've never +been free. Once I got as far as Bozen and had to turn back--as a +punishment--because a young man ogled me." + +"Oh, dreadful," he laughed, "that was hard luck. Much harder than you +divine." + +"Oh, I divine it," she sighed. "I need merely look at you." + +"Why at me?" + +"Because you shine like Moses after he witnessed the glory of the Lord." + +He became serious. + +"There are glories up here, too. But you're right. I have so much life +and light stored up in me from down there, so many sources have been +opened up, so many germs have begun to sprout--sometimes I hardly know +what to do with all my wealth. I write my fingers bloody, and more keeps +coming. I would like ever to give, give, give. But I don't know to +whom." + +"To me," she implored, holding out her hands palm upward. "I am so +miserably poor." + +He looked at her with great, severe, clairvoyant eyes. + +"You are not poor. They have simply let you starve." + +"Isn't that the same thing?" + +He shook his head, continuing to keep his gaze fixed upon her rigidly. + +"What was your husband?" he asked. + +"I--am--the divorced wife--of an army officer of high rank," she replied +with downcast eyes. + +This time--thank the Lord!--it was not a lie. + +Yet, to be accurate, she had lied. + +For see what she was _now_! + +He clasped her hand, which lay next to his on the table, and held it an +instant. + +"If it is difficult for you to speak of your life, don't," he said. +"Later, perhaps, when we know each other better, you will tell me. I +will tell you about myself--and how I--came to do my work." + +"The work of which you spoke that time?" Lilly asked, strangely stirred +by the sudden solemnity of his tone. + +Drawing a deep breath he stretched out his clenched fists and his eyes +stared into space. + +"Yes--the work for which I live, which is my goal and mainstay and +future; which takes the place of father and mother and friends and +lover. For which this draught of wine was vintaged, and this hour +created, and you yourself, you with your lovely, delicate beauty and +your two begging hands, which were really fashioned for giving." + +"I thought you wanted to speak of your work," said Lilly, softly. + +"I am speaking of it. I always speak of it. I only want to show you how +restlessly it absorbs my experiences. How many, for instance, have sung, +painted and sculptured the Annunciation! And how many scholars have +grubbed over it! Yet when I see the good, humble, astonished, almost +frightened Virgin Mary eyes you are making this very instant, I feel the +final word has not been spoken, the supreme conception is still to be +formed. You see, that is the way everything must serve my work." + +"Are you a poet?" asked Lilly, completely taken. + +He smiled and shook his head. + +"I'm neither a poet nor a painter, nor a historian, nor a psychologist. +Yet I must be something of each, and more to boot. My work requires it." + +Then he told his story. + +His father had been instructor at a university and an eminent jurist. +His mother had died in giving him birth, and his father did not survive +her long. He then came under the care of his uncle, a rich, experienced +old bachelor, who had passed a lively life in business and +pleasure-seeking, and now dwelt in merry singleness in his castle. He +had given Dr. Rennschmidt an education and had assured him a small +income which enabled him in a modest fashion to indulge his wishes and +whims. Dr. Rennschmidt had intended to follow in his father's footsteps +and enter an academic career, but the examinations, which he had passed +honourably, had tried his health. So, to satisfy his uncle, he had given +up the idea of a university career for the time being, and had gone out +into the world. He had been drawn to Italy by his studies in the history +of art, which he had always pursued with interest, though without +considering them his life work. What fascinated him more than the +churches and the museums was the free, beautiful humanity in which the +lively southern race expressed its personality. He felt as if it had +awakened in him a new, free humanity, conscious of its own powers. He +felt more and more strongly the original unity of artistic and personal +experience, past and present. The heroes of mythology and history, the +characters in poetry and painting, and the poets and painters themselves +all became so real and familiar that they seemed to be part of his own +being. Surrounded by a people saturated with its own history, possessing +the skill of a thousand years' exercise of art, always in touch with the +spirit of the time, it seemed possible to him to penetrate into the +emotional world of past generations. He learned to distinguish +monuments of different periods and follow those related to each other +step by step along the course of time. + +His guide always had been and remained art. Art was best able to wring +speech from the silence of death and bid the dust add new forms to the +old. Only one thing was still missing, knowledge of the sources of its +convincing might, the A B C's of the language in which it expressed its +thoughts. + +Lilly strained herself to follow him. She had never before listened to +such language; yet it was not strange. Remnants from of old, from +long-forgotten times seemed to cling to the bottom of her soul, which +harmonised with what he said. + +"One day," he continued, "while I was staying in Venice, I went off on a +short excursion to Padua. By railroad it's about the same as going from +Berlin to Potsdam. I wasn't keen about seeing the art there, because I +was still in the honeymoon intoxication of my love for the early +Venetians. It was only for the sake of completeness. I got into a little +church in which there are frescoes by Giotto. Do you know who he was?" + +"Certainly--Giotto and Cimabue," she said proudly. + +"Then I needn't say more. I really had little left in me for him and his +people, because, as I said, the quattrocentists had heated my +imagination. Now just conceive a Roman amphitheatre completely ruined +and overgrown with ivy, nothing but the outer walls still standing, like +the walls of a garden. In the enclosure is the little church built of +brick, as sober and prosaic as a Prussian Protestant praying barn." + +Lilly smiled gratefully. A side-thrust at Protestantism was still a +personal favour to her. + +"Services are no longer held there. It has been set aside as a national +monument. When I entered I saw nothing at first but a blue radiance from +the walls, a sort of modest background, with long rows of pictures on +it, the story of Christ told quite simply, the way a preacher speaking +to poor people would tell it on Good Friday, provided he is the right +preacher for poor people." + +"But aren't we all poor people in the presence of Christ?" Lilly +ventured to interpose. + +He paused, looked at her with large eyes, then assented eagerly. + +"Certainly. But not only in the presence of Christ, in the presence also +of every great personality, of every great truth. But it isn't easy for +us to cultivate that feeling--to make it clear to ourselves that we must +be poor when what is given to us ought to enrich us. Religion is best +able to inspire us with the feeling, if it finds the correct means of +expression. And the Italians did. A poor man spoke to poor men. Therein +lay the wealth of Giotto's gift. For what moves us to tears is not his +vast competence, it is his incompetence. Do you get what I mean?" + +"I think I do," said Lilly, her face lighting up. "If a man desires +something of us, and can merely stammer and stutter his desire, he +affects us more than if he says it in a prepared discourse." + +"Exactly!" he cried joyously. "That's why Giotto's scant speech, his +stammering created the whole language of art. Everything before him had +simply been learned by heart from dead, Byzantine models. For the first +time a man read life with simple eyes and a simple heart, and extracted +from it what he had to say. That is why he became the universal master. +To this very day if anyone succeeds in portraying supreme suffering and +supreme delight with his brush, he owes his skill to that little +church." + +"I can conceive," cried Lilly, "that if the ocean had a source and a +man were suddenly to come upon it, he would feel as you do." + +In the exuberance of his emotion Dr. Rennschmidt seized Lilly's arm with +both hands. + +"That's the missing figure. It's strong enough to express what took +place in me. But I came upon another source. While I walked along those +frescoed walls, something suddenly stood before me clearly--and my work +was there, sprung from nothing: the history of emotions. Emotions, you +know, as art has seen and portrayed them in all generations. Not only +the pictorial and plastic arts. They are only a fraction. Literature +also. Poetry as well as painting, sculpture as well as music. I thought +in that way I might succeed in creating a true, genuine history of the +development of the human heart, which no moralist, no historian, no +psychologist has yet attempted. Why not? The documents are at hand; just +as fossils lie embedded in rocks for the guidance of zooelogists. They +need merely be cut out. What do you think? Isn't it a work worth +spending a lifetime on?" + +"It is," said Lilly, with the same solemnity. + +"Oh, but there's much to be thought over first," he went on. "You cannot +make an impetuous onslaught like a bull on a red rag. Often art leads us +astray because it strove to reproduce something entirely different from +the emotional life of its time. Whether it succeeded or not is another +question. And often it was wanting in the necessary means of expression. +Oh, you and I will speak of this many more times. Don't look so +frightened. I need you. After this evening I could not get along without +you. Nobody before you ever listened with such faith and understanding. +Besides, I've grown to be an utter stranger here. The people I know are +full of their own interests, and scarcely listen to me. Then, too, +there's a bit of madness in my undertaking, of which I really ought to +be ashamed. But one thing comforts me: a bit of madness has underlain +every great work until that work was completed and had compassed its +end. Of course everybody has the same idea of his own work. So some time +I'll rise above that feeling. But now, while I'm wrestling, and every +day I think I have discovered a new vein of gold and then am compelled +to throw a good deal away because it's pinchbeck, if I have nobody on +whom I can pour out what oppresses and torments me, why the jumble +fairly chokes me. So fate sent me to you. It was like an inner voice, +which would not let me rest at my desk, but sent me out to watch your +light. Now I have you, and I won't let you go. God knows, I shouldn't be +so bold in my own behalf, but it's for my work. It is clamouring for +you. For heaven's sake, why are you crying?" + +"I'm not crying," said Lilly, and smiled at him. + +But the tears kept rising, and veiled his lovely picture. + +"I know what it is," he said sadly. "I wasn't considerate. You are +regretting your lost art, because I spoke so happily of my own work." +Lilly started back as if she had seen a ghost, and made vehement denial. + +"No, no, it isn't that! Really not!" + +But he persisted in his belief; which drove the thorn of her own +unworthiness all the deeper into her soul. + +"Let us go," she requested. "There is so much assailing me--happiness +and unhappiness and all sorts of things--outside I'll be calmer." + +It was long after midnight. A cold wind swept across the water and +soughed in the bare branches. + +He offered her his arm, and Lilly nestled in it as if she had been at +home there from times immemorial. + +For a while they were both silent + +"In five minutes he'll leave me," she thought. She could not bear the +grief of impending loss. + +"One thing is lying heavy on my conscience," he began. "You might think +me overweening because I make so much of myself. But I don't wish to +appear more important than others. I know every vigorous young fellow +must have a similar work to bring purpose into his life. One has a book +to write, another a business to carry on, another a dependent to +support. For some it's enough if they keep their heads above water. It +doesn't matter what. If you let yourself go, you're lost. And none of us +want to be lost, do we?" + +"I think I lost myself long ago," whispered Lilly, shuddering and +crouching like a whipped dog. + +He burst out laughing. + +"You, the best, the finest, the noblest." + +She knew how undeserved his praise was. Yet how delicious, oh, how +delicious. + +They were now walking so closely pressed against each other that their +cheeks almost touched. She closed her eyes and ardently drank in the +warm breath of his life. She felt she was being wafted to unknown +blessed distances. + +She did not come to herself until they reached her home. + +"When?" he asked her. + +She had no time the next day. She was invited out. But the day after. +Yes, the day after, she had the whole evening free. He need only call +for her. + +For fear she might after all ask him to come the very next day, she +hurried into the house, ran up the steps, and concealed her happiness in +the hushed apartment. + +She did not turn on the lights. The street lamps, shining on the walls +of the drawing-room and touching rainbow colours on the chandelier +prisms, provided sufficient illumination. + +She began to wander through the open doors from room to room, into the +corner where the bed stood, around the dining table, across the +drawing-room, into the cold guest room, which had never received a +guest, up and down, back and forth, singing, crying, exulting. + +And from amid her tears and singing and exultation suddenly arose--how +did it go? + + Come, my beloved! Let us go forth into the field, + Let us spend the night in the villages. + Let us get up early to the vineyards, + Let us see if the vine have blossomed. + +No, not quite--a little different. But she would surely get it. + +Impetuously she raised the lid of the piano, which had long remained +closed. As if the neglected instrument, unforced into silence, had +suddenly acquired a life of its own, a flood of sound rushed toward her, +of which she had deemed neither the piano nor herself capable. + + Let us see if the young grape have opened, + Whether the pomegranates have budded, + There will I give my young love unto thee. + +Yes, that was the way it went. Exactly. She had found each note again. + +Where had it kept itself hidden all those long years? + +It seemed as if the last time she had sung it had been the very day +before. + +Yet worlds of suffering lay between. + +No, not suffering. + +"If only it had been suffering," thought Lilly, "the Song of Songs would +never have become mute." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +The next morning on awaking Lilly began to worry anew. + +Nobody was so blind as not to detect, on coming closer how worm-eaten +was her existence. Least of all he whose fine feelings vibrated under +each spiritual touch and awoke an anxious echo in her soul. + +Even if it were possible for her to create a sort of island on which she +might prevent him from coming into contact with her world, wasn't her +very appearance a traitor? All those mad nights could not have passed +over her without leaving traces. Two years before Dr. Salmoni had +already remarked a change in her appearance. "A cold, disdainful look," +he had said. + +She jumped from bed, and ran to the mirror to subject every feature to +suspicious scrutiny. + +Her eyes had grown tired. There was no disputing that. But they did not +look disdainful. "Virgin Mary eyes," Dr. Rennschmidt had said, not +"Madonna eyes." Was there a difference? On her brow were faint cobwebby +lines; but she could well-nigh rub them away with her finger. "They will +disappear with a little massaging," she said to herself. But the deep +grooves on either side of her mouth were bad. They gave her face a +haughty, satiated expression. "The paths that consuming passion long has +trod," she quoted from "Tannhaeuser in Rom," which she knew almost by +heart. + +And yet--had she not preserved her noblest, her profoundest feelings? As +if to save them up for this One, and now that the One had come, it was +too late perhaps. + +She spent the day in misery, and when Richard came for his tea, he found +red eyes. + +That afternoon proved to her clearly what she possessed in Richard. He +asked so few questions, and was so sympathetic and full of solicitude, +that for a moment or two she felt comforted and secure. She almost +succumbed to the temptation to tell him a little about her new +acquaintance, as was right between two such good friends. Fortunately +she resisted the impulse. Rather let Adele into the secret, who had +several times observed encouragingly: + +"You may trust me fully. I know life far too well not to take the lady's +side." + +Wishing to avoid "the whole crew," as she dubbed the circle of her +friends, Lilly pled sickness, and Richard rested satisfied. In the +evening it occurred to her she had told Dr. Rennschmidt she was going +out. She hastily put out the light, and sat brooding in the dark until +bedtime. + +The next morning the mail brought her a letter addressed in an unknown +hand. + +She tore the envelope open and read: + + I cannot rest, I cannot sleep before + I speak to you, before the prayer torn + From out my breast in passionate outpour + Swiftly on wind and wave to you is borne. + + I sit and dream by lighted lamp; still lies + My work. With hours stolen I entwine + A crown of flame that heavenly aspires + In tongues of fire up round your head divine. + + Oh, chide me not for uttering words uncalled; + Chastise me not for sacred spell I've broken + In which your lofty spirit is enthralled. + I am a struggler--I must needs have spoken. + +Good Heavens! Did this refer to her, to Lilly Czepanek, who ate her +heart out in dull self-depreciation? + +If any human being in the world could think of her so, above all _he_, +the most glorious--she knew the poem, though unsigned, came from +him--then after all she was not in such a bad way; then perhaps her life +had not taken a permanent hold upon her; probably her innermost being +had remained intact, and values lay strewn in her soul which needed only +to be used in order to sanctify and bless herself and others. + +Long after she knew the verses by heart she read them again and again. +She could not tear her eyes from the beloved writing. + +Then she tried to set the words to music. She opened the piano, and +fantasied. Her playing came back to her as on the other night; +everything she had known as a girl and had thought long forgotten came +back. She needed merely to drop her fingers on the keys, and there it +was--or nearly so. + +But her finger joints were stiff, and the muscles of her lower arm soon +wearied. She would have to practise and limber them. + +"When he visits me, I can even play a classic for him," she thought. +Buoyed by the new hope she floated further along on the current of her +newly won self-esteem. + +At the same time she kept careful count of each minute that separated +her from the evening. + +Richard found her practicing assiduously. + +"What's gotten into you to-day?" he asked. "I hadn't the slightest idea +you could play so well." + +"Neither had I," laughed Lilly. + +"You must play for the others this very evening." + +"This evening?" Lilly asked, alarmed. "I thought I had this evening +free." + +"Free! What do you mean by free?" he rejoined, evidently annoyed. "You +act just as if our going out in company were heaven knows what a +sacrifice. You keep to yourself whenever you can possibly get a chance. +Yesterday, in fact, Karla said nobody really knows what sort of life you +lead." + +"I think that applies much better to Karla than to me. Nobody really +knows her name." + +"It doesn't matter. Others have criticised your reserved ways, too. One +man even hinted I'd better keep my eye on you more than I do, and not +let you go your own way so much. So to hush them up I promised I'd bring +you this evening instead of yesterday. There's no getting out of it." + +Lilly instantly reflected that a refusal, far from helping, would merely +arouse his dormant suspicions. So she bravely choked down fright and +tears. But when he left the anguish of disappointment was all the +keener. + +What would Dr. Rennschmidt think if he came at the appointed time and +found her out? Since he had not mentioned his address, she could not +write to him, and he would have a full day in which to nurse evil +suspicions. + +In an agony of apprehension she sought comfort with Adele, whose dry, +peevish face perceptibly brightened. She seemed to be in her element +when it came to deceiving a person, or, better still, two persons. + +"The best thing," she said, "would be for you to say a sick friend had +asked you to come. Something sad like that takes them all in." She knew +it from experience, she assured Lilly. + +That evening her friends did not get much entertainment out of Lilly. +She disregarded the gentlemen, and gave the ladies rude answers. Mrs. +Jula, the only one whose presence would have pleased her, was absent, +as had become usual of late. They finally left her to herself and +Richard, the dear fellow, who had hoped to parade his possession, +helplessly gnawed the ends of his moustache. + +The next morning Lilly again suffered the torments of dread. + +When she had come home the night before, despite the late hour, she had +awakened Adele, who said he had come and had looked dreadfully upset. He +had gone away without saying anything. + +Another day spent in nervously counting the minutes. She stood in front +of the mirror, utterly despondent, and dressed herself for him. She +would have liked to sink at his feet when he entered. Nevertheless she +determined to maintain in words and gesture, then and in the future, a +certain gentle, melancholy grandeur of manner which would nip suspicion +in the bud, and would correspond with the picture of her he had drawn in +his verses. When she thought that that stupid, much-kissed head of hers +should from now on be a "head divine," she grew thoroughly ill at ease +from sheer sanctity. + +At half past seven the bell rang. + +She received him with a conventional smile, and the gentle, melancholy +grandeur, which she succeeded in adopting perfectly, concealed her +harassed spirits. + +His manner, she saw at the first glance, was also constrained. His eyes +glided past her with a singularly empty expression. + +"He has divined everything," her soul cried. + +But she bore up nobly. + +"I must beg your pardon," she said, "for not having kept our +appointment." + +"I hope your friend is feeling better," he said, while a disdainful +smile of doubt played about his lips. + +She made all kinds of explanations, said whatever came into her head; +and without looking at him, she knew he believed not a syllable. + +"I must beg _your_ pardon," he rejoined after she had finished, with the +same lurking disdain in his voice and smile. + +"Why?" + +"I sent you some verses which I hope you will consider nothing more than +what they really are, a mere harmless stylistic effort without sense or +significance." + +"He's already withdrawing," her guilty conscience cried; and all the +colder and worldlier was her reply. + +"I admit your pretty verses did astonish me at first. I couldn't +conceive that I was a fitting subject to inspire them. But then I +thought you probably meant nothing more than what you just now said, and +I did not feel offended. If you wish we won't say more about it." + +He looked at her with great questioning eyes, and she rejoiced at having +requited him so bitterly. + +Wishing to observe the rules of decorum she invited him to stay for +supper, though absolutely nothing had been prepared for a guest. + +"I thought I was to be permitted to take you out," he replied in a hard, +disillusioned tone. + +She smiled politely. + +"Just as you wish." + +They descended the stairs in silence, and in silence paced along the +canal, the same way they had walked three evenings before, pressed close +against each other in drunken bliss. Then, too, they had not spoken; +but, oh, how different had their silence been! + +"What have you done the last few days?" Lilly finally asked, to make +conversation. + +"Nothing special. I tried to write an article for the _Muenchener +Kunstzeitschrift_, on which I'm a collaborator. My subject was the +Sienna School outside of Sienna. But it didn't turn out very well. The +editor won't be satisfied." + +Lilly read reproach of herself in his words. Evidently he wanted to +indicate that her entrance into his life was to blame. + +And when he asked to what restaurant she would like to go, she said, her +wounded heart quivering: + +"I'm neither hungry nor thirsty, and people and light would hurt me." + +She wanted to add something about "not wishing to be a burden" and +similar things, but swallowed the words before they were spoken. + +"If you wish to avoid people, we might go to the Tiergarten." + +Lilly agreed. Had he said, "Come down into the water of the canal with +me," she would have assented even more willingly. + +The hard park roads stretched before them in the light of the electric +lamps like long galleries with garish walls between which one was forced +to run the gauntlet. The pedestrians coming toward Lilly and Dr. +Rennschmidt measured the tall couple with cold, intrusive curiosity. + +"It's worse here than in the crowded streets," said Lilly. + +Her aching, despondent heart fluttered with excitement + +He pointed to a side path leading into darkness; and without speaking +they dipped into solitude. + +Above the towering masses of branches the cloudy sky, looking like a +metal whose brilliance has worn off, reflected the invisible sea of city +lights. Through the lattice work of the leafless bushes gleamed the +lamps lining the more public ways; and on all sides the gongs of the +electric trams, shooting hither and thither, sounded like fire alarums. + +But there in the interior of the park, quiet and darkness prevailed. +Lilly felt she had sunk into a black sea of mournfulness. + +The silence between them became intolerable. + +Suddenly Dr. Rennschmidt stepped in front of Lilly and blocked the way. + +"What's the matter?" she asked, startled. + +"Mrs. Czepanek--Mrs. Czepanek--what I am going to say--what I am going +to say"--his raised hands jerked back and forth before her face--"will +either bring us together again--or--send us apart forever. I was +cowardly before. I thought I could evade the truth. When I said I didn't +mean what I wrote in my poem, I was lying. I felt exactly what I wrote. +And a thousand times more strongly. But I oughtn't to have spoken. I +know I frightened you. You were bewildered. You didn't know how to take +me. You probably think me some enamoured adventurer who wants to exploit +the trust you show. Dear, dear Mrs. Czepanek, I promise you I will never +again annoy you with a display of my feelings. But don't withdraw your +friendship from me. Please don't. Just imagine what would become of me +if I were to lose you!" + +So _that's_ what it was! + +Oh, God! If nothing else stood between them. + +She could not help herself--she had to lean against a tree and cry. Her +tears soon soaked her veil, and she raised it and pressed her finger +tips to her eyes. + +"What's the matter?" she heard his voice, hoarse with anxiety. "Did I +wound you so deeply? Was what I said so very bad? I will atone for it. +Just pardon me. You must pardon me." + +When she heard him beg her pardon so humbly for the immeasurable +happiness he had bestowed upon her, she was seized with a frenzy, and +throwing her grand manner to the winds and her shame, to boot, she flung +her arms about his neck with a groan of abandon, pressed her body +against his, and kissed his lips, and sucked and bit them. + +Under the impetus of this wild, unchaste kiss, he staggered and held +himself erect on her, digging his fingers into the flesh of her upper +arm. + +How good it felt, because it hurt so! + +"At last, at last!" her heart cried. + +Now he knew who she was and what she had to give him. + +When she pulled herself together, she saw he had sunk back with his head +leaning against the same tree that had supported her. His hat had fallen +to the ground. His eyes were closed. His face had the ashen hue of +death. + +For a few moments all was still. The only sound was the clanging of the +tram bells. + +"My love, my love!" she whispered, stooping and then drawing herself +upward on him. "Wake up, my love! wake up, and come!" + +He opened his eyes and stared at her with the look of a foolish slave. + +"Come, come," she exulted. "Come back, come home. I don't want to roam +about any more--in the woods or restaurants. Come home! Come to me!" + +He did not respond. He seemed to have lost his mind completely. + +A dull sense of guilt awoke in her, but was instantly stifled by joy. + +"Come, come!" + +With both hands she drew him away from the spot that had become the +cradle of her bliss--and his, too. Was it remarkable that happiness +should benumb him and rob him of his senses? He upon whom Lilly +Czepanek bestowed herself, Lilly Czepanek for whose favour hundreds had +begged in vain, might well lose his senses. It by no means derogated +from his dignity. + +While she drew him along the roads and streets, she let loose upon him +her soul's tempest in a delirium of happy prattle. + +Hadn't he an inkling of what he was that he should have harboured such +doubts? She had belonged to him from the very first instant. A miracle +had taken place in her as well as in him. Never had she known what love +was until the day when the squirrels chipped over their heads. The rest +of her life no longer existed for her. _He_ alone was there. He and his +eyes. He and his mouth. He and his will. He and the great, glorious work +which she would toil for like a slave; which she would enrich with her +love, because from old pictures and poems he would gather nothing but +the grey ashes of love. Genuine, young blissful love, _she_ would teach +him, she, Lilly Czepanek, who had waited for him ever since she could +remember, who belonged to him from the beginning, from the beginning of +time, you might say. He could see God had destined them for each other, +because they both thought they had met before, whereas they had never +met in life. At most in dreams. She had seen him in her dreams always, +always. Exactly as in fairy tales. + +"Perhaps it is a fairy tale. Tell me, tell me, you whose first name I do +not even know. But no matter. Tell me, it's not a mere fairy tale." + +But he said nothing. He walked along like a somnambulist. He followed +her up the steps mechanically, and remained standing stiffly in the +centre of the drawing-room, into which she had led him. When the lights +were turned on, he looked about with a shy, searching glance, as if he +had never seen the room, and could not recollect how he had come there. + +She clung to him, and said he should sit quite still and rest, and close +those eyes of his. Then she helped him remove his overcoat, and pressed +him into a seat and kissed him on both "those eyes" until his lids +closed and he reclined there as if actually asleep. + +"Now wait, beloved, until I come back." + +She ran joyously into the kitchen to order Adele to prepare supper +hastily. Then she hurried into the bedroom, where she changed her +rustling silk dress for a light blue tea-gown, turquoise-studded, in +which, as Richard was wont to say gallantly, she was Venus herself. She +arranged her hair more loosely and discarded her rings The only jewel +she left was a gold bracelet. + +Adele, the sulky, had transformed the table as if by magic into a bower +of flowers, and her face was wreathed in smiles; for at last there were +human goings-on in this respectably indecent house. The plated +silverware gleamed on the fresh damask, and the aroma of golden bananas +came from the fruit basket. + +He might be content. Lilly was. Her dread had disappeared. She felt +well-nigh victorious. But her happiness was too humble to be totally +unqualified. + +Her one pride, greedy for recognition, was that she had so much, so much +to give him. + +When she entered the drawing-room, she no longer found him reclining on +the arm-chair. To her terror she saw he was standing in front of the +secretaire--absorbed in contemplation of Richard's picture. + +"Oh, if only I had taken it away before!" she thought Now it was too +late. + +He let a confused, astonished look glide over the Venus robe, and +fetching a deep breath, grasped both her hands. + +"Why did you make yourself so beautiful for me?" + +"Just to give you a little feeling of being at home here," she said, +dropping her eyes. "Nothing more. But come. Let's go to supper. We +haven't had anything to eat all evening." + +"Eat and drink now? Oh, very well--I'll just sit at table, if you want." + +"Then I don't care for anything either," she cried, clinging to him, and +drawing her arm so tight about his neck that the pressure of his body +fairly robbed her of her breath. + +Peter, the little ape, who had slept in his corner the whole time, awoke +and whimpered jealously, and stretched his grey arms yearningly between +the bars of his cage, as if wishing to be the third party in the +alliance. + +Dr. Rennschmidt heard the strange sound and started. + +Lilly smiled and calmed him. + +"Later I'll introduce you to all my little ones. My friends must be +yours, too." + +He drew himself up to his full height. + +"How is that possible? As what would you introduce me?" + +Lilly hastily parried. + +"Oh, I didn't mean it that way. I merely meant--" She was at a loss what +explanation to offer. Then she felt his trembling fingers clutch her +upper arm. His eyes burned their way into hers. + +"Who are you?" he asked. + +Her brain reeled. + +"Who am I? I am a woman--who loves you--who has never loved anyone +before." + +He gratefully caressed her shoulders. + +"Understand me," he said. "I am not trying to force myself into your +confidence. But if the relation between two human beings is what ours +has been for the past hour, they want to mean everything in the world to +each other. I have never met a woman like you. I am utterly helpless. +The few little experiences I have had don't count. In Rome a baker's +daughter loved me. She ran away with a marquis. When I was a student I +went through a few similar episodes. I never mingled much in society. +And now all of a sudden I have you in my arms--the noblest, the most +glorious thing I've ever beheld. A creature not of this world. I keep +looking at you as you stand there in your blue peplum--why, it's as if +an old marble statue by Lysippus or Praxiteles had come to life. And +that is to be mine? The mere desiring of it is naked tragedy. We are +both making straight for a precipice, and we don't even resist." + +"Why resist?" she cried, in bliss, throwing her head back, as if to toss +from her brow streaming bacchantic locks. "We love each other. Nothing +else concerns us." + +He sank into the chair next to her, and pressed his face into both +hands, his body heaving as with sobs. + +She kneeled before him, and bent her head, and planted little kisses on +his clenched hands. + +"No," he cried, jumping up. "I will not permit myself simply to drift. +If _you_ think as you do, you who are willing to sacrifice +everything--very well! But I, who am the recipient, I must make +everything clear to you, so that you know for whom you are making the +sacrifice. I mustn't leave any possibilities open to mislead you. I'm +nothing but a poor young fellow who lives by his uncle's bounty. I have +no prospects. I can't build on my work. And the few articles I write +don't count. I must first toil for my little place in the world. It may +be ten years before I secure it. And I can't let you support me. Think +what you will of me, but I must tell you: we cannot become husband and +wife." + +At first she scarcely comprehended. It was impossible for her to realise +that a man could be so naive, so unworldly as to speak of marriage in +Lilly Czepanek's drawing-room. + +She burst into a strident laugh, the overflow of her scorn of her own +worthless life. + +"Do you think," she cried, jumping to her feet, "that I'm nothing but an +adventuress who tries to rope men into marriage, one of those +harpies"--Mrs. Jula's word occurred to her--"who pounce upon every +passerby? For what sort of a sorry wretch do you take me?" + +He looked into her face with astonished, uncomprehending eyes. + +"A woman who loves a man and wants to be the joy of his life is not a +sorry wretch." + +Oh, if that was what he meant! + +The time when in all innocence she had wanted to be Richard's wife +recurred to her. How long ago was it? How low she must have sunk if this +most natural conception of the relation between man and woman should +have become strange to her! + +She shuddered, and was aware of having turned pale. + +If only he had noticed nothing amiss. She could stand much, but not +that. + +Humbly, in dread of his searching eyes, she replied: + +"I merely wanted to let you know that you are free and will remain free +from first to last. You can leave whenever you want to, and nothing will +have been." + +"And you?" he asked. + +"What do you mean--I?" + +"As what will you remain behind if I go?" + +"I'll take care of that," she laughed. + +The contingency was very, very remote. Why split her head over it now? + +But he was not yet satisfied. + +"There's something peculiar about you. A whiff of mystery. A--a--how +shall I say? The shadow of a wrong done you. You mingle much in society, +you say. Yet I have the feeling that you are lonely and perhaps +unprotected. Whenever I try to look into you, I feel as if rude hands +had been laid on you. From now on I will stand by to protect and advise +you. But I'm so inexperienced in worldly matters. It can easily come +about that without divining it I may merely add to the mischief in your +life. And I would not for the world--you are holy to me. So you must +tell me now, to-night, whatever you may of what you have gone through +and suffered. Will you?" + +Lilly felt evasion was no longer possible. The hour had struck of which +she had lived in dread ever since she had met Dr. Rennschmidt, though it +had seemed indefinitely remote. + +One of Mrs. Jula's sayings again flashed through her mind: + +"The road back into the community of virtue leads through lies." + +It had begun with lies; with lies it would go on. + +For an instant the wish shot up within her to tell him the full truth. +But that was madness, suicide. In fact, she need not lie. She need +merely put a different face upon matters, the face they wore when hope +still shone upon her life and she actually was what she now endeavoured +to appear to be. + +"It must be darker," she said, extinguishing the chandelier's piercing +white glare. The only light now came from the red-shaded standing lamp, +which cast a flowery shimmer upon them. + +Her hands in his, her head leaning against his shoulder, she began her +whispered, faltered confession. + +She told of her sheltered, care-free childhood, in which music held +sway, a benevolent spirit and a demon in one; of her father's flight and +the poverty in which she and her mother were left. + +So far nothing to conceal or alter. The colonel also remained as he had +been, except that she occasionally promoted him to the rank of general. +It was not until Walter von Prell stepped on the stage the second time +that it became necessary to mix in fresh colours. The mere +acknowledgment that she had frivolously abandoned body and soul to a +tattered and torn jovial ne'er-do-well would deprive her forever of her +friend's esteem. So the sorry little good-for-nothing was quite +naturally converted into a happy, yet ill-fated laughing hero who had +been vanquished merely because all the dark powers combined against him. + +Once launched, she sailed serenely on. She represented the parting as +having taken place amid a thousand vows and tears and bridal +expectations. As for the duel, of which she had never learned the +particulars, she exaggerated its horrors vastly, her lover emerging a +total cripple, who left for America resolved not to enter her life again +until he should be in a position to atone for his misdeed by marrying +her. So for the meantime he placed her in the care of a simple, good +young man, who was all nobility and self-sacrifice. For love of the +vanished friend, this young man had taken Lilly's fate into his keeping +four years before, and watched over her and led her into society. With +rare disinterestedness he managed the little capital remaining from her +married days, and always advised her in practical matters. He came every +afternoon for a social cup of tea, and sometimes he escorted her when +she went out in the evening. His circle had become hers, and everybody +they knew honoured and respected the fine relationship existing between +them, the basis of which was his noble loyalty to his friend. + +So Lilly Czepanek, with the force of conviction, recounted her life +history. She almost believed in her own words. As a matter of fact, it +was a fair picture of her life, such as Richard had once portrayed it, +before she had begun to slip into the abyss the night of the carnival. + +Of Kellermann and Dr. Salmoni and the whole "crew," of course, she said +nothing. But she alluded to her unfortunate art with tears--for the last +time, she said--then it should never be mentioned again. + +She concluded. When, with a hesitating feeling of security, she looked +up to him expecting to receive his absolution, she started at the change +in his appearance. His face was livid, his eyes, fastened on the +ceiling, glowed unnaturally, deep furrows of anguish had cut themselves +into his cheeks. + +"Doesn't he believe me?" flashed through her head. + +He jumped up, and snatched Richard's picture from the secretaire, and +carried it to the light of the standing lamp. + +Lilly knew he was thinking of Walter, and timidly interjected: + +"That isn't he." + +"Then who is it?" + +"His friend--the manufacturer." + +He cast the picture aside. + +"Haven't you a picture of _his_?" + +Yes--but where was it? The large pastel was in the lumber room. The +small one very likely was stowed away in some drawer. + +"I packed it away," she excused herself, "because I couldn't bear to +have it in my sight all the time." + +She did not tell him why the sight of it annoyed her. She preferred him +to assume the cause was her newly awakened love. + +How ridiculous, how pitiful it all was! + +She longed to sink at his feet and cry to him: + +"Forgive me, forgive me--take me as I am, do not spurn me." + +Instead, she lied on, shamelessly, desperately, like an ordinary +adventuress on the verge of discovery. + +"Will you do me the favour to hunt for the picture?" + +"Why do you want to torture yourself?" + +"Please, I beg of you." + +Further resistance was out of the question. She fetched the key of the +secretary from a basket, opened the drawers at random, rummaged among +the papers without half looking, and actually found it. There it was. +She had not seen it for years. + +The white-lashed eyes looked haughty and cunning. + +"Lie and deceive, lie and deceive," they seemed to say. "That's just +what I used to do." + +"Here it is." + +He stepped to the lamp, and stared at the picture long. His lips +twitched from time to time, the picture quivered jerkily in his hands. + +"Exactly the way I stood in front of the rich orphan's photograph," +thought Lilly. But that was long ago. + +Then she heard him speak. His voice was hoarse. + +"Will you answer a question upon which much depends?" + +"Ask it, my love." + +"Do you still count upon--upon this young man's return?" + +Whither did the question lead? Lilly felt she need merely say "no," and +every obstacle was removed. But if she said no, all her falsehoods about +Walter and his friend would have had no significance. + +So she had to choose a middle course. + +"Sometimes I have my doubts," she managed to say, lingering over the +words. "I am waiting for two now. My father seems to be gone--gone for +good. And I don't hear from him either." + +"Do you consider yourself bound, just as you did then?" + +She felt the halter tightening about her neck. + +"Tell me." + +Something in his tone seemed to bar escape. It left no nook to hide in. +Her answer meant life or death. + +She held up her arms as if swearing an oath. + +"Since I know you I don't care one way or the other. If you want me to +be true to him, I'll wait for him--till Judgment Day. If you want me to +throw him overboard, I'll throw him overboard." + +He threw his head back and closed his eyes, and stood there as he had in +the park. She became alarmed again for his sake. + +"Why does he torture himself so?" she thought. Then it occurred to her +for the first time that he took her and everything she had said +seriously; that he, who himself practiced loyalty, assumed that loyalty +was a life principle of hers, too. + +Oh, if he knew! + +She was so ashamed she did not dare to speak or approach him. + +He drew himself up energetically, and his forehead glowed with the +wrathful will, which from the first had intimidated her. + +"Listen," he said. "After everything you've told me, I know I acted on a +false assumption. You are _not_ neglected, the world has _not_ done you +wrong. On the contrary, you are protected and cared for, and you're +looking forward to a future, no matter how uncertain it may now be. You +would lose all that through me. The instant your friend were to suspect +my existence, he would, of course, withdraw his support. And all the +others who now constitute your world would go with him." + +Lilly wanted to burst out laughing, and give vent to her utter contempt +for everything that had constituted her former life. But another thought +instantly restrained her. Dr. Rennschmidt must continue to think that +Richard should not suspect his existence. To defy her past and present +was to bring about a catastrophe which would irremediably expose the +wretchedness of her situation. She might be his only in dark secret +hours. + +He continued: + +"What I have to offer in return is nothing. I have nothing but my +work--you know. And even my work is still in the clouds. Why, I'm not +even certain of myself. If I think of what I have just--" He turned his +eyes aside. + +"Of course, if you don't love me," said Lilly, dejectedly. + +He threw himself in front of her, placing one knee on a vacant part of +the seat of her chair, and putting his arms about her body. + +"Have mercy on me. You see how I'm suffering. Don't make it _harder_ for +me. Every day, every hour, I should say to myself: 'Over in America +there's a man toiling and moiling for her. He doesn't write simply +because he's ashamed to admit that he has accomplished nothing on +account of his mangled body.' I can't conceive any other motive for his +silence. A man doesn't forget a woman like you. In the meantime I sit +here with you in secret, and hold you in my arms. I don't know--I--a +person can debauch, he can commit adultery--so far as I'm concerned it +wouldn't matter. But to rob a poor cripple of his all--I think the +lowest scoundrel would draw the line at that. I don't know how I'll get +over it--" He collapsed. His forehead hit against the arm of +Lilly's chair, and dry sobs shook his body. "But--it would be +better--immediately--on the spot--better than later--when it's too +late--for both--of us." + +The blow had fallen. How cleverly she thought she had garbled the truth, +and here she was caught in her own net of lies. + +"For God's sake," she screamed, "do you mean to say you will--" + +He rose to his feet. + +"Farewell," he said. "Think of me in peace. Thank you." + +"If I tell him the truth, he'll be all the more certain to go," she +thought, looking about helplessly. + +His hands, stretched toward her, were waiting, his eyes hung on her +thirstily, as if to drink in the picture forever. + +"I will plant myself at the door," she thought, "and throw myself on +him, and stifle him with kisses." + +But the desire not to lose his respect made her small and timorous. + +"Not this instant," she implored, clasping his hands. "One hour--one +parting hour--just one." + +He gently extricated his hands from her grasp, and turned to the door. + +Raised to her full height, Lilly stood in the centre of the room in her +blue Venus robe and held out her hand to him. The wide sleeves fell +away and revealed the mature womanly beauty of her arms. + +"If he sees me this way," she thought, "he will still be mine." + +But he did not turn about. He reeled. His forehead struck against the +half-open door. + +All of a sudden he seemed to have been wiped out of existence, and with +him the light of the world. A swarm of bees buzzed about her head, and +in the darkness enveloping her, she sank through the floor, deeper, +deeper, into the canal--a club dealt her a blow on her forehead--and all +was over. + + * * * * * + +At first it sounded like a chirping of birds, then like the murmur of a +mighty throng in some wide sunny place; and then only two voices +sounded, one a man's, the other a woman's. They kept up an eager, +whispered conversation. + +The cook--Maggie--and the lackey with the mischievous smile. Of course, +that's who they were. + +The colonel would enter the next instant and want her to be his wife. + +Something cool and damp dropped soothingly on her aching head. Just as +then. + +"So I'll have to go through all that again," she thought in terror, and +she began to cry and entreat: + +"Oh, colonel, please let me go. I'm much too bad for you! Oh, _dear_ +colonel." + +"For God's sake, she's raving!" said the man. After all he wasn't the +horrid lackey. + +Oh, how deliciously at ease she lay in the spell of that voice, in which +a home-like note quivered solicitously. + +"He didn't go at any rate." The thought tranquillised her, and she +settled herself more comfortably on the pillow they had placed under her +neck on the floor. If she had known his first name, she would have +spoken to him. Why, how disgraceful not to know his first name yet. So +she merely raised her arms a little toward him. + +Instantly he was kneeling beside her, stroking her hands. + +"Keep real quiet," he said, "real, real quiet." + +"Will everything be all right now?" she asked, smiling up to him in +blissful peace. + +Yes, yes, everything would be all right. Ways and means would be found +for their remaining together--like two friends, like a brother and +sister. They wouldn't part--no, no, they wouldn't part. Nobody need be +tortured so terribly as that. + +Lilly shuddered and thought of the moment when the light about her had +gone out, and she had sunk into the wet, slimy depths. + +Thus life would have been without him. + +But now they would wander toward the dawning sun hand in hand like +brother and sister in innocent gaiety, liberated and purified. + +Inconceivable happiness! + +Strange that neither of them had hit upon the idea sooner. + +She groped for his arm and with a contented sigh nestled her cheek in +his hollow hand. + +But Adele, who all the while had considerately been looking out of the +window, thought the compress ought to be changed, because the wound on +Lilly's forehead was still bleeding. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + +Each spring in a man's life has its peculiar aspect and its peculiar +history. Each spring finds him different, each stirs new depths and +opens fresh, hidden wounds. One spring passes by like a dull, vapid +game, because he himself just then happens to be dull and vapid. Another +tortures him with a thousand fruitless admonitions, because he cannot +pay off a penny of the debt he owes himself. A third finds him listless +and sodden as a field which cannot recover from the winter stress. And +again the spring-time chants deceptive hymns of liberation and +redemption in his heart, as if _it_ had the power to liberate and +redeem. + +But most beautiful is that spring of which we are scarcely aware for all +the spring joy within us; whose bourgeoning seems but a reflection of +our spiritual bourgeoning, and which is but the accompaniment of the +mighty growth that broadens our minds and souls and fairly bursts the +bonds of our being. + +Such a spring broke upon Lilly. + +Everything took on a new aspect. Never had the morning sun painted such +crinkly, laughing grotesques on the walls. Never had rainy days +enveloped the world in such languishing violet twilights. Never had +people's faces been brightened by so much expectant festivity. Never had +the din and bustle of the streets revealed so much joyous, purposeful +activity. + +Why, all of a sudden Lilly also was overwhelmed with work. + +Every hour was filled with urgent occupations. If anyone in the last few +years had dared to tell her that the day would come again when with +burning cheeks and a heated brain she would indiscriminately cram names, +dates, biographies, lists of great men's works, poetical quotations, and +foreign terms, she would have laughed him to scorn. + +But it would never do to loaf now. She must be ready with a response on +any occasion, just as she had been when he asked her about Giotto. All +her eagerness for knowledge, which a feeling of spiritual isolation and +aimless endeavour had dammed up within her for years, now gushed out. +Her mind, insatiate as a fallow, unfertilised field, absorbed whatever +was thrown upon it. She scarcely needed to put forth the least effort. +If she merely imagined herself repeating it to him, it remained in her +memory. + +She went at her studies with the utmost secrecy. Konrad--yes, his name +was Konrad--must not suspect that her wisdom had just issued brand-new +from the laboratory. She also kept her visits to the museums a secret. +He was to suppose she had always been thoroughly familiar with the +masters. In addition she had to practice many a piece of early music +which he wished to hear for his work. And often she blessed her father's +strict hand which had held her down on the piano stool throughout many a +long night. + +Lilly and Dr. Rennschmidt saw a great deal of each other--every other +evening of course. He avoided coming afternoons, which, he knew, +belonged to her betrothed's friend. But often he ran up to her in the +middle of the day to bring her a book or some flowers and ask her for a +bit of music. No matter how much she pressed him, he never remained for +a meal. In fact, he seemed not to feel quite at ease in her apartment. +He would walk up and down incessantly, pretty soon glance at the clock, +and take leave. At first she felt hurt, then she asked him teasingly +whether he thought he was in an enemy's country, and finally she adopted +the policy of _laissez faire_. + +Oh, she did not yet thoroughly understand him. Each day laid bare new, +unusual sides of his being. + +He was still very young. Not only in years. She had met many a cold, +blase old man of twenty-five. His youth was deep-seated. He thought +passionately. Lilly had never seen such fervour expended on pure +thinking. Ideas seemed to him like tangible beings with which he had to +strive breast to breast, and which he drew to himself if they proved to +be friendly to his intellectual attitude, or rejected if hostile. +Similarly, great thinkers and creators of the past were either allies or +enemies. He associated with them as with teachers and comrades, adoring +or despising them, submitting to their reprimands, or turning them into +laughing-stocks. + +His thoughts and speech were in a constant state of flux with +counter-currents and a whirl of contradictions. He was like a man +forcibly cleaving a way, or giving merciless chase. He never remained +indifferent or apathetic to a phenomenon, spiritual or physical. +Everywhere he saw problems to be solved and vexed questions in regard to +which he must take one side or the other. He either loved or hated. He +scarcely knew a stage between. + +And Lilly followed him with all the ardour of a pupil and lover. She +planted each idea of his in her being and let it take root or die as +chance willed. No need to cherish it; she enjoyed sufficient wealth +without it. + +He spoke little of his personal matters, not from distrust or reserve, +but because he deemed them of small importance. Lilly had to extract +jots of information by questioning. + +He was very enthusiastic about his parents, though their pictures seemed +to have faded in his mind or lost form. + +His uncle had taken their place, the self-made man and globe-trotter who +had made Dr. Rennschmidt his heir, and who even during his lifetime +allowed him means for a modest, yet care-free existence. + +Lilly could not fathom the inner relationship of the two men. Sometimes, +it seemed, Dr. Rennschmidt cherished a tender love for the old man. Then +again he was skeptical, almost bitter in his judgment of him. Evidently +a profound difference existed in their natures, though they struggled +for compromise. + +He had few friends--chiefly old fellow-students--and he never paid +purely social visits. As a result he could spend all his leisure hours +with Lilly. + +They sat in the restaurants, generally the little Italian bodega, until +the waiter turned out the lights over their heads, to their invariable +surprise--they had just come. + +Or they bought their suppers for a few pennies at a delicatessen shop, +and escaped the city dust in the Tiergarten, where they hunted up an +empty bench somewhat removed from the public ways, yet not in too +secluded a spot. It was not until love couples began to wander by in the +dark like shades of the netherworld that they felt wholly concealed; and +if others seated themselves on the same bench, they little objected, +knowing well that love couples would never remain beside them long. They +had much more urgent need of the night and solitude than Lilly and +Konrad. + +While the light green leaves, still stemless, gradually melted into a +dark, shadowy, jagged mass, and the sunset flames above merged into the +sombre purple of night, and the nightingale sang for them sometimes only +a few feet away, they would sit there shoulder to shoulder waiting for +the stars to dot the twilight, each evening later and fewer in number. + +Their winged thoughts travelled far into the realms of music, painting, +northern sagas and Italian landscapes. Questions of infinity arose, +hesitating and halting, and were promptly disposed of with the sure, +clear discernment of a happy, youthful latitudinarianism. Lilly was now +accurately informed of the meaning of the universe and immortality and +the soul and God. + +Often she felt as if she had been left alone to freeze in a vast, icy +waste where there was no Father, no life after death, and certainly no +St. Joseph. + +"What you believe, I suppose, is atheism, isn't it?" she asked +timorously. + +"If that's what you want to call it," he laughed. + +So, from now on Lilly was an atheist, one of those who in the eyes of +the Church were roasting in nethermost hell. But if excommunication did +not drive _him_ to despair, she, too, could suffer it. She would even +endure a Fatherless condition. + +Her one regret was for St. Joseph. + +Although he had not entered her thoughts for many a day, none the less +it was a pity never again to be able to run to him in sorrow or joy, +never, at least, without having to feel ashamed of herself, and that +exactly at a time when she needed him so urgently, when her experiences +fairly overwhelmed her with their force and number. + +She felt a desire to be lulled and calmed, and the lofty art that Konrad +spread before her eyes by no means soothed her; rather, it goaded her +on, though, to be sure, to fresh delights. + +They went to what few concerts the late season still offered, and heard +the Eroica and Brahms' Second Symphony and an unutterably exquisite +production by Grieg. + +They would take their stand in the cheaper part of the house, where they +both delighted to be, and listen with the backs of their hands touching +as if by chance. A slight pressure conveyed the feelings awakened by +some subtle charm or expressive bit. + +What wonderful hours those were! + +And what wonderful hours when she sat at Konrad's side in the pit (where +none of the "crew" could see her). As she learned to know Shakespeare's +characters belonging to every age and time and Wagner's luminous +fairy-tale realism, she understood fully how infinitely poor her +previous life had been. + +He took her to see the moderns also. + +Of all the plays Rosmersholm affected her most. + +She, Lilly, with her secret guilt, was Rebecca. He in his unsuspicious +purity was Rosmer. His high-pitched spirituality had an increasingly +strong influence on her, as Rosmer's on Rebecca. But if the filth of her +existence should gradually roll from her upon him, would she not be his +evil demon, his ruination? + +The thought was intolerable. She wept so bitterly during the performance +as to attract general attention, and Konrad offered to take her out. She +indignantly repudiated the suggestion. + +On going home she staggered along the river side, still sobbing. He had +chosen that way because it was darker and quieter, and he half carried +her on his arm. + +On the Spreebruecke she stopped and stared down into the dark, living +depths. He let her have her way, but when she began to climb up on the +railing--to see what it was like--he forced her down from the precarious +position. + +"What's the difference?" she thought. "When he finds it all out, I'll +have to go down there after all--and alone." + +From that evening on the effort to keep him free of the slightest +suspicion as long, as long as possible troubled her more than ever, +occupied her thoughts every moment of the day. + +Her great ignorance caused her no shame--nevertheless she fought against +it with all her might--but she lived in constant terror that the +slovenly, cynical tone to which she had gradually habituated herself +through long intercourse with the "crew," might crop out in her +conversation. + +The bit of carefully cherished rigour and good-breeding which she +fetched out from among the remnants of her former spiritual state did +her sluggish being good. And so she acquired some of that "grandeur" +which she had demanded of herself at the beginning of her relations with +Konrad. This time, however, it was not empty affectation, but an inner +quality, a natural outcome of the finest and tenderest feelings, which +she might still call her own. + +Much that had long dominated her thoughts became unintelligible to her, +especially the tendency caught from her friends, to transfer everything +entering the circle of her thoughts to the realm of the erotic. + +In astonishment she beheld world upon world opening up beyond the narrow +whirlpool in which she had been carried around and around. Such a wealth +of great and beautiful things to taste and enjoy was suddenly spread +before her, that she did not find the time to feel ashamed of what had +been. + +But when she recalled how she had once dared to kiss him, shame ran hot +through her body. That moment of wild abandon, she feared, might ever +remain a stain upon his image of her. + +Yet there was not the slightest indication that he did not think of her +with the same respect as she of him. This mutual esteem always hung +between them like a gauze veil, obscuring the beloved man's face as +behind a mist of mingled happiness and anxiety, though at the same time +removing the sting of self-reproach from Lilly. + +They were never more to talk of love. Love gave way to a sweet, +fraternal, though somewhat constrained relationship. The word +"friendship" was frequently on their lips. They praised its hallowing +force with a most serious mien, as if they had not the faintest notion +of what it meant. + +It was difficult, however, for Lilly to endure Konrad's bodily +proximity. The one caress he permitted himself was to lay his arm +lightly on her shoulder when they sat side by side. Though Lilly then +longed to press closer up to him she finally moved farther away, because +the constriction of her breast mounted by degrees to veritable torture. + +She never ventured in the very slightest to think that some day he might +become her lover. When unable to fall asleep, she pictured herself +drowsing off with her head under his shoulder--that was bliss enough. + +Her fancies scarcely ever strayed into forbidden territory. The chastity +of her maiden days, which the colonel's senile greed had rudely +violated, once again laid its merciful veil about her tremulous soul. In +fact it was all as in the long-forgotten days of her girlhood--the +golden wealth of thoughts and sensations, the witching glamour about +each little object, the delightful importance of the tiniest incidents, +the hopeful disquiet hoping for she knew not what. + +If only there had been a single human being in whom to confide her joy +and fears, her happiness would have been complete. + +The desire waxed so strong within her as to be nearly uncontrollable. +She had found herself more than once on the brink of telling her secrets +to Richard--a quick way of ending them. + +One day she decided to visit her former landlady and acquaint her with +her great experience. + +The old friendship between Mrs. Laue and Lilly had never wholly died +down. Though they saw little of each other, Lilly had kept herself alive +in the old lady's memory by sending messages and little gifts. + +The tenant _pro tem._ of the "best room" opened the door for Lilly. + +Mrs. Laue, as always, was sitting at her long white work table tapping +busily with her wet finger-tips now on a pressed flower, now on a gluey +bit of paper. She did not suffer herself to be interrupted, not even +when Lilly on taking a seat beside her pushed toward her the sweets she +never failed to bring. + +"No, thanks, child," said Mrs. Laue. "Each bite more is one flower less. +People like myself have to wait for a holiday before we can eat. We have +nobody to provide for us and keep us like a princess. I'd like to be in +your shoes just one day before I lie in my grave--go out walking early +in the morning--with nothing to do but feed a couple of gold fish." + +"As if that were happiness," sighed Lilly. + +"Do you mean to complain of your lot?" cried Mrs. Laue indignantly. "If +I were in your place, I'd thank the Lord every hour of the day for +having sent me such a friend." + +"Do you think that would satisfy all your hopes?" + +"Why, what else do you want?" Mrs. Laue--ceaselessly tapping--rebuked +her. "He can't marry you any more--that's out of the question. Besides +marriage would be nasty after all you've gone through. But listen to me. +Be careful! If you always behave yourself nicely, he will make you an +allowance, and you'll have something to live on all your life." + +"So, I'm just to aim for an old age pension?" + +"Well, what else?" + +"I can conceive of many other objects in life." + +"What? Work? Try it. See what it's like after you've been nothing but +emotions for years. Or take another lover? Then you'd be sure of a fine +time. Let me tell you one thing, child; never for a single instant think +of another man. If you were to do that, you'd deserve to paste flowers +like me--sixteen hours a day--until you die." + +While incessantly pasting one flower after the other, she poured out a +volume of well-intentioned admonitions. + +Lilly rose shivering. + +There was nothing to be hoped for from that quarter. She looked about +her with a sudden feeling of estrangement. + +"I'll never come back here again," she thought. + + * * * * * + +The next morning the uneasy desire to open up her heart and obtain +counsel again awoke, even stronger and more tormenting than before. Her +friend Jula occurred to Lilly. + +To be sure, the clever, hot-blooded little woman had held herself aloof +from the crew's jaunts. Her friends had not the least idea of what she +was doing, and her red-head, when appealed to, became reticent. But +Lilly felt sure Mrs. Jula would not withhold the bit of comprehending +sympathy she needed. + +It took Lilly a long time to find her. + +The coquettish yellow silk nest her red-head had fixed up for her near +the "Linden" was empty. + +Mrs. Jula had migrated to a suburb, the porter informed Lilly. She had +thought the neighbourhood too dangerous; which made no sense, because +the street was never empty, day or night. + +Lilly smiled. The porter gave her the address, and she drove out to Mrs. +Jula. + +In a little bosky corner where the poets and philosophers dwell, Lilly +found a very sober little house, brimful of books and manuscripts and +busts of eminent men. + +Mrs. Jula seemed to have undergone a great change. She no longer wore +her curly hair in a disorderly pompadour about her forehead, but +smoothly parted and drawn down over her ears. This gave her a +disquieting touch of virtuousness, although that way of wearing the hair +was just then the height of fashion in the very world in which virtue +for esthetic reasons has little value. + +Though she came to meet Lilly, as always, with outstretched arms, her +cordiality seemed not wholly genuine; and though she beamed with delight +at seeing her friend again, her expression was somewhat distraught, as +if she were holding much in reserve. + +"Without asking Lilly about herself or paying any attention to her +appearance, Mrs. Jula burst into an account of her own affairs. + +"You'll be tremendously surprised, but I can't help it," she said. "I +never kept my little scruples of conscience a secret from you--they were +really superfluous--my sins had never been so dreadful--" + +"Hm, hm," thought Lilly. + +"So you shall be the first of our former circle--" + +"Former?" thought Lilly. + +"--to learn of my return to a decent existence. Well, not to beat about +the bush, I'm going to get married." + +"Your red-head?" asked Lilly, happy and sympathetic. + +"Well, not exactly." Mrs. Jula regarded her finger-tips with a +condescending smile. "My red-head has given me his blessings, but that +ends his role." + +"Then who is he?" asked Lilly, struggling to overcome her bewilderment. + +Now Mrs. Jula hung back a bit after all. + +"You see, it's a long story," she said hesitatingly. "To understand it +thoroughly you'd have to know more of the circumstances of the past two +years of my life. Did you ever happen to hear of an authoress by the +name of Clarissa vom Winkle?" + +Lilly recalled having seen the name in puritanic family sheets, which +she had looked through in cafes and confectionery shops. + +"Now listen: that Clarissa vom Winkle, who won a very acceptable +reputation for championing the cause of simple, bourgeois morality as +against the pernicious new-fashioned ideas of love--that Clarissa vom +Winkle am I." + +Lilly was too strongly under the spell of her own fate properly to +appreciate the humour of Mrs. Jula's avowal. Just a glimmering suspicion +dawned upon her mind of the monstrous farce we human beings figure in at +life's bidding. + +"Now on that account you're not to think me a convert or a bigot or +something of the sort," Mrs. Jula continued with a certain little air of +dignity, which became her as well as her quondam cordial cynicism. +"There never was a special Day of Damascus in my life. I've always had, +as it were, two souls in my breast; the one which--" she hesitated a +moment--"well, which you know; and another which craves self-restraint +and white damask and so on. That's the reason your unsuspicious loyalty +always impressed me so, my dear. You probably recollect that I urged you +to cling to your loyalty through thick and thin, because--you can't deny +it--it's the crown of a woman's life. That's just what I said. Do you +remember?" + +Lilly was unable to recall such sentiments, but she did recall many +others scarcely harmonising with them. She began to feel quite uneasy. +Her friend's new conception of life seemed ill adapted for a source of +peace to her in the joyful stress that had led her to seek sympathy with +Mrs. Jula. + +"Well, to continue," said the little lady. "I was always able to sell my +essays and novels quickly, especially if I took them to the editors +myself, and I found I was on the road to accumulating a tidy capital. My +red-head became little more than an ornament. That's the beautiful thing +about virtue. For the person who understands it, it is much more +lucrative than sin." She ran her little red tongue over her lips in her +knowing way, but maintained a perfectly demure face. "And then it was in +disposing of my works that I met my husband to be. You know--I'm at last +divorced from that old horror up there. This one is the editor of a new +magazine for women. It stands for quiet domesticity and already has very +good advertisements. He's a man of great intellectual gifts, and very +firm moral principles, which, I suppose you've noticed, have not +remained without influence on me." + +She made a little double chin and folded her hands in her lap. + +"And how did you manage to separate from--your old friend?" asked Lilly, +from whose mind all these curious facts had almost driven her own +concerns. + +"Separate? What are you thinking of?" rejoined Mrs. Jula, beaming again +with sunny foolishness. "I wouldn't be as heartless as all that. Even if +I did say his role had ended, you're not to take it so literally. What's +the poor dyspeptic fellow to do if I refuse to set a place for him at my +table now and then? Why do you look so surprised, Lilly? Something of +the sort can always be managed. In the first place, I swore to my +betrothed that my red-head had never been more to me than a brotherly +friend. All of us women swear such things and don't even blush." + +Lilly nodded thoughtfully. That evening, had Konrad demanded it, she +would have sworn an oath without a moment's hesitation. + +"In the second place--I'm telling you this in confidence--he contributed +a considerable sum toward establishing the magazine. So the two +gentlemen are partners. I arranged matters that way intentionally, +because it seemed to me the best guarantee of a continuance of +all-around friendly relations. Don't make such large eyes, dearie. Life +is made up of compromises. Every bird feathers its nest. And if you +think I'm afraid of disclosures, I shrug my shoulders. Tragedy is a +matter of taste. _I_ don't like it. So it doesn't exist for me. I always +say to myself: you must wear a smile on your brow, but beneath the smile +your brow must be of iron." + +Lilly experienced a sickish sensation. + +"If that's the price to pay for uprooting tragedy from one's life," she +thought, "then I'd rather have unhappiness--I can swallow it--than all +this happiness." + +She rose. + +No matter how high above her this woman towered in force of intellect +and will, no matter how firmly she stood on the ground of virtuous life, +she was no longer suited to be Lilly's friend. + +"I sincerely hope you will never be mistaken in your confidence," said +Lilly. + +Mrs. Jula threw up her hand contemptuously. + +"Bah," she said, "_those_ men! A man who knows the world is a woman +eater, and your 'pure' man is a simpleton. I can always get along with +both classes." + +"There may be a third class," said Lilly, irritated, as if Konrad had +been insulted. + +"Possibly," rejoined Mrs. Jula, shrugging her shoulders. "I've never +come across it." Then putting both hands on Lilly's waist: "Tell me, +child, perfectly frankly: if you look at me this way and compare me with +what I used to be, does it seem to you that I'm posing?" + +"To be quite candid," Lilly admitted, "it seemed to me so at first." + +Mrs. Jula sighed. + +"It's very hard to adapt your figure to a dress that wasn't made for +you. Everybody has a certain moral ambition, the so-called non-moral +person most of all. But there's one thing I'd love to know: what is +really the more valuable in me, my former sinning or my present virtue." + +She smiled up at Lilly with a melancholy yet sly expression. + +This time Lilly did not respond. Beyond that complacent little +scatterbrain her own happiness rose lofty and threatening as a +storm-cloud. + +When out on the street the feeling of restless isolation took stronger +hold of her than ever. Yet she was glad she had not spoken. She knew +that if she had held up her beloved's picture to Mrs. Jula's sly +understanding, it would have come back to her desecrated. + +Now there was actually not a soul to whom she could pour out her heart. + +A few days later in glancing over the paper, as was her daily habit, her +eyes were caught by a sentence which suddenly sent a ray of light into +her soul: "St. Joseph's Chapel--Muellerstrasse--evening services," and so +on. + +Then her old, long-forgotten friend was still alive. He even possessed +his own church here in cold, heretical Berlin. + +In all the years she had been in Berlin she had not entered a church. +After having seated herself among the Protestants at Miss von +Schwertfeger's advice, she had felt she was a renegade, and had not +ventured to seek solace in religion. + +And now she was an atheist. + +But the name St. Joseph in the paper warmed her heart. She felt as one +who has wandered long in foreign lands and suddenly among a throng of +strangers beholds a dear face from home. + +Now she knew to whom to turn without fear of having to depart +misunderstood and unheard. Even if the great scholars had done away with +him a thousand times, he still existed for her stupid, surcharged heart, +ready to receive the confession of her happiness. + +Muellerstrasse was somewhere on the extreme north side, "somewhere around +Franz-Josephs-Land," her green grocer, to whom she had applied, informed +her. + +She went through a maze of streets, from one electric tram to +another--past the Reichtags buildings, the Lessing theatre, and the +Stettin station--along the endless chausse. Beyond the Weddingplatz, +which the Berlinese consider the end of the world, was where +Muellerstrasse began. + +Nobody had the slightest notion of where a St. Joseph's chapel was, not +even dwellers in the immediate vicinity. Finally somebody remembered +seeing "a Catholic something or other," and Lilly at last found the +object of her search. + +A low frame structure which might have been taken for a barn, and some +blossoming trees set between towering tenements. + +The side door was open. Pine wreaths said "Welcome." Lilly saw a simple +white hall permeated with the sepulchral smell of incense, laurel, and +freshly cut pine, and in the background a niche decorated to resemble +the starry heavens. Beyond the wooden balustrade separating the +pictureless shrine of the high altar from the hall, rose two glorious +palms. The low rumble of an organ came from the choir. The organist had +probably stayed after the funeral to dream a bit. + +In suspense Lilly's glance glided along the walls in search of her +saint's abiding place. Was he smiling and holding up his finger here, +too, with the same benevolent, threatening manner as the good old uncle +in St. Anne's? + +There was no place for side altars. The space was completely filled with +benches. But that large picture there in the garish frame, with a +console-table beneath covered with dusty bouquets-- + +She saw it--and started in terror. + +Her saint, her dear, beloved saint, was simply ridiculous. + +He had a sharp-nosed, wax-doll face with a golden yellow beard and eyes +cast down in pious modesty, and he was smiling mawkishly. The infant +Jesus clad in pink triumphed on his left arm, while his right arm gently +clasped a spray of lilies. + +Lilly's disgust turned into pity. + +How remote, how inconceivably remote, was that world in which one +implored St. Josephs for signs of favour. + +Could it be that her good, true monitor in St. Anne's had been just as +comical? + +Perish the thought. He should not be, he must not be so absurd. There +must be _one_ place to which one's memory could travel homeward in hours +of pleasant mourning. + +The organ was playing the prelude of a beautiful mass by Scarlatti, +which Lilly well knew from of old. Gradually she began to feel at ease. + +She kneeled on the last bench, closed her eyes, and tried to imagine +that instead of that blond caricature, her old friend was looking down +upon her. + +A saying of St. Thomas Aquinas occurred to her, which she remembered +from her Sunday school lessons: "God has granted other saints the power +to help us in _certain_ circumstances; to St. Joseph he has granted the +power to help us whatever our need." + +Once he had been so powerful in her life. + +She spoke to him across the hundreds of miles and hundreds of years that +separated her from the altar in St. Anne's--the last time on earth, she +was fully aware. There was no longer place in her soul for such +childishness. And just because it was her farewell, she told him without +reserve of her great experience--how infinitely happy she now was--how +everything that had lain dead within her blossomed forth with fresh +life--and how the entire universe was one great symphony of joy. + +And she told him of the monstrous deception she was practising, and her +fear of discovery--and the sweet, impatient tremour for which there +could be no image or name. + +Then she told him she no longer believed in him in the least--she had +become an "atheist." + +Then, reconciled, she laid the carnations she had brought along for the +poor out-of-the-way saint among the dusty bouquets and left with +lightened heart, smiling at the spring which smiled upon her. + + * * * * * + +Beside this Lilly, whom the stormy wind of her new life bore aloft to +the heavens far above all earthly hindrances, a second Lilly lived, who +spent every other evening with her old friends, and was the marvel of +her circle, because of her triumphant mood, her merry wit, the youthful +liveliness of an awakening intellect. + +When Richard came for his afternoon tea, he met with daily surprises. In +place of the dragging gloom, which had long coloured her days, he found +sprightliness and activity, a creature of novelties never still an +instant. Though now and then abashed at his inability to keep pace with +her, he gladly accustomed himself to this side of her being, and praised +the magical qualities of the haematogen which the physician had +prescribed that spring instead of the usual iron. + +The same scene was enacted each evening that Richard wanted to take +Lilly out. At first she pleaded a cold or said she was not in the mood +for meeting people. But once she had consented and was in the swing, she +played with her admirers as with puppies, and awed the ladies by telling +them things to their faces. Sometimes, to be sure, she sat as formerly, +absorbed in dreamy silence, though now, if anyone attempted to liven her +up, she no longer blushed and suffered herself to be teased without an +attempt at self-defence. She paid back every intruder with such prompt, +haughty satire that the men soon found it wiser to leave her to herself. + +In all this time she drank herself into a state of exaltation only once, +and that on the day on which--at last!--she decided to tell Richard of +the existence of her new friend. + +She had wrestled with herself for two months. Sometime or other it had +to be, she knew; for what if they were seen together! But since she +could not decide in what form to clothe the avowal, she had deferred it +from day to day. + +Chance helped her out of the dilemma. One day Richard, in order to +obtain her judgment, brought along some sketches of vases which had been +submitted to him for purchase. On leaving he forgot to take them along. +Konrad happened to see them, and in a few rapid strokes drew the outline +which corresponded to the original draught, and which the artist in +developing the plan had failed to insert. + +The next day when Richard saw the work he looked at Lilly in +astonishment. The corrections were splendid--who had made them? + +Lilly, still suffering from the intimidation induced by her bungled work +on the transparencies, did not dare to tell him she herself had. So +taking heart she said: + +"My teacher, who's giving me lessons in the history of art." + +"Since when, I'd like to know?" asked Richard, his eyes growing round +and severe. + +In her great embarrassment she took to scolding as best--or as +worst--she knew how. + +"Do you think I can stand such a dull, inane, idle existence? Do you +think it's a crime for an unoccupied young woman to strive for a bit of +culture? Don't you think I'd be a better friend if I could keep pace +with you and other clever people than if I go to my ruin jabbering a lot +of nonsense and dressing myself up for show and behaving like any silly +thing?" + +The turn about "clever people" flattered him. + +"All very well and good," he replied more mildly, "but why didn't you +tell me before?" + +She concocted a long story. + +About three months before she had read an advertisement in the +_Lokalanzeiger_ in which a young scholar offered his services to +gentlemen and ladies possessed of a thirst for knowledge. She wrote to +the scholar, he came, and the lessons began. Pupil and teacher had grown +to be friends. Though their friendship, of course, was of a purely ideal +nature, she dreaded awakening Richard's jealousy; so she had decided not +to tell him until time should prove beyond the shadow of a doubt the +absolute purity of her endeavours. + +He wrinkled his forehead, and a cunning grin, inexplicable to Lilly, +played about his mouth. + +"So your friend's a young scholar?" he asked. His eyes twinkled, and he +looked at her sidewise, his head inclined entirely to the left. + +"Yes." + +"He's going to be _Privatdozent_, I suppose?" + +"He's not quite certain, but he probably will." + +"And I suppose he's highly intellectual and scintillating and superior?" + +She turned her eyes heavenward. + +"I've never in my life met a man who--" She stopped in fright. It was +scarcely the better part of wisdom to give reins to her enthusiasm. + +"Hm, hm," he said, as one who finds long harboured suspicions confirmed. +His face was quite red, and he gnawed the ends of his moustache. + +"I knew it!" cried Lilly. "You're jealous after all." + +She felt as if a bitter injustice were being done her. + +He said nothing more, and left lowering. + +An hour later a package from Messrs. Liebert & Dehnicke was left at the +door. + +Lilly opened it and found it contained a man's suit, which she +recognised as one Richard had frequently worn the previous summer. + +A letter accompanied the package. + + "Dearest Lilly:-- + + As I promised you that time, I shall always be ready to come to + the assistance of your affinities with old clothes. To further + their progress I shall also be glad to provide them with old + boots. + + You see how jealous I am. + + Your Richard." + +In the exuberance of her delight Lilly drank to excess that evening. +Never--not even when she had danced for Dr. Salmoni--had she allowed her +imitative faculties such full play. She was in a state of mad +self-abandon. + +In conclusion she danced on the tops of the tables set close together, a +wild Salome dance, which had just then come into fashion. + +Between her clenched teeth she zimmed strange oriental melodies. + +"What's that she's mumbling?" the spectators asked. + +Later they put the question to her. + +But she had lost her senses. She was unconscious. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + +The peaceful golden light of a Sunday morning in June pierced the +railroad station's sooty glass roof. + +Such an amount of blush brightness was gathered under the three great +arches where they led into the open, that as the train glided beneath +them you thought you were dipping into a sunny sea. + +The gay ribbons of the dressed-up girls fluttered against the decent +Sunday suits of the attentive youths, each of whom felt himself to be an +indispensable master of ceremonies. + +There were athletic clubs and rowing clubs and smoking clubs and singing +societies, and an entire department store. + +In the midst of the jolly, noisy throng a quiet, happy couple walked +along looking about cautiously and keeping at a certain distance from +each other, so that nobody could be sure whether or not they belonged +together. They made for one of the front coaches. + +Lilly walked ahead. Again she saw the faces of persons coming toward her +grow rigid with a sort of solemn tenseness--a mute homage which she well +knew, but which she had never accepted with so much joy as then, since +the one man in the world whom she wanted to please was witnessing her +triumph. + +In his honour she had clad herself completely in festive white--a linen +crash suit, an embroidered linen blouse, and a white straw hat with a +white veil about it. She wore the hat low on her forehead, and beneath +it her shining brown hair rolled in large waves. She carried a white +zephyr shawl on her arm against the evening coolness, since they had +arranged not to try to catch a certain train home, but remain in the +country until they wearied. + +They sat in opposite corners of the third-class compartment smiling +slyly and saying not a word. + +They were riding into the unknown. + +"Follow me," he had said. "I'll give you a surprise. We will go on a +voyage of discovery. I myself am by no means certain of my goal. +Otherwise it wouldn't be a voyage of discovery." + +The feeling of giving herself up without question was new and delicious. + +About an hour must have passed and the compartment had long been empty, +when he nodded to her to get out. + +"Where are we?" + +"What difference does it make where we are?" + +Oh, he was right! Lilly never so much as glanced at the name of the +station. + +They walked along the uneven street of a bare little town. The sunshine +lay on the yellow house fronts like a soporific. The shop doors were +locked and sheets were stretched across the lower halves of the display +windows to proclaim the Sunday. + +Organ tones came from around the street corners like a dull breeze. A +turkey cock strutted up from out of a gateway and gobbled at them--no +more organ tones. + +The houses grew less frequent. From the fields came a whiff of ripening +grain, but the heavy fragrance of the yellow lupine overwhelmed it. +Meadows of clover spread their white-dotted rugs, and in the background +black firs rose from the summits of sand-coloured hills. + +They stepped merrily along the unshaded road, on which little eddies of +silvery white dust chased ahead of them. + +Konrad knew and saw everything--how the falcon flapping its wings stood +still in the air--how the wild rabbit lifting its little white rump +leapt away in droll haste--every minute there was something new. + +Since the days at Lischnitz Lilly had never walked out in the blossoming +spring. + +"Oh, if I had had a guide like him," she thought, "it would all have +been so different." + +In the pine woods, which gave out a hot breath, a squirrel ran past them +almost over their feet, shot up a tree trunk, and at about a man's +height from the ground stood still as if turned to stone. + +Lilly and Konrad looked at each other mindful of the moment they had +first met. + +Lilly moved up to within a few feet of the squirrel, but it did not +budge. + +"I feel as if we were enchanted," she said. "If it were to speak to us, +I shouldn't be a bit surprised." + +Heaving a sigh of bliss she threw herself on the grey, crackling moss. + +Konrad followed her example. Shading their eyes with their hands they +lay on their backs and blinked up at the sun which flickered down on +them through the sparse fir boughs. + +They had both nearly forgotten the squirrel's presence, when a sudden +chip sounded close over their heads. They looked up and saw the little +fellow scampering up the trunk. Until that moment he had stared at them +too frightened to stir. + +"There you have it," said Konrad, "if we shoot our human language at +them, they'll take good care not to speak to us." + +"We're enchanted at any rate," laughed Lilly. "I at least have never in +my life been stretched out so comfortably and had the sun shine on me +so. Have you?" + +"Oh yes," he rejoined. "I recall one time at least quite definitely." + +"How? When?" Lilly inquired, all jealousy. She was jealous of every +happy moment in his life which she had not created for him. + +"Oh, there's not much to tell. It was in Ravello, a rocky nest not far +from Amalfi, high over the sea. A perfect fairyland. Full of old, +Moorish palaces, partly inhabited, partly in ruins. There are marble +courtyards with trellised iron railings, ruined fountains with myrtle +and laurel growing around in rank profusion and little white climbing +roses covering everything. There was one place in particular which I +would have given my life to be able to enter. It had a small, mysterious +gallery which stood out against the deep blue sky like a silver web. An +iron gate as high as a house separated me from that gallery. Since there +was nobody about to see the street Arab escapade--only a few peasant +labourers in the olive plantations live there--I actually climbed over +that gate one day." + +"Glorious!" cried Lilly. + +"Yes, I got in. After making a professional inspection of the beautiful, +strange motifs, I lay a long time on the warm stone steps, and let the +sun shine down on me just as we are doing now under these Brandenburg +firs. And--think of it! the little bluish-green lizards that you love so +came gliding up slowly, cautiously, and ran straight over me." + +"Oh, heavenly!" said Lilly rapturously. + +"Lying there that way with the old marble fountain making music in my +ears, I fell asleep--a thing one had better not indulge in, because one +may get a sunstroke that way even in midwinter. I'm sure I should have, +if some tourists hadn't come along and thrown sticks and stones at me. +When I awoke I felt dizzy and I saw red. I couldn't dream of climbing +over the gate again. The tourists had to fetch the gate key from the +sindaco, and to cap the climax I had to appear before him for a +hearing--Who are you? Don't you know trespassing in the garden is +forbidden? But thank the Lord, he didn't send me to jail, because all +the people tapped their heads and said: '_e matto_, he's crazy.'" + +"No harm," laughed Lilly. "You got what you wanted; you entered the +forbidden garden. Other people have to be content with standing outside +the railing." + +"A pleasure we shall probably enjoy to-day," he observed, and Lilly +choked down her curiosity. + +"At any rate," he continued, "it doesn't hurt if one practices standing +outside now and then. Heaven knows, the very happiness toward which you +crane your neck usually is a forbidden garden." + +Lilly looked at him. + +What did he mean by that? + +Their eyes met in shy understanding. + +That hopeful disquiet, which she did not venture to call by its name, +quivered through her like a fit of fever. + +"Come," she said, jumping to her feet and hurrying on without looking +back at him. + +The woods grew thinner. They now walked along a thicketed swamp where +birches gaily shot up their slender white columns from mossy pediments. + +The warm noon air vibrated in wavelets. From somewhere came the sound of +a church bell, but no farmyard was visible far or near, and suddenly +they struck a cross-road, and did not know which way to go. + +"We are called upon to decide," he said, and listened a while in the +direction from which the sound of the bell came. Then he turned to the +right. + +"I wish," he went on, "I wish there were a bell to sound the way for me +in life." + +Then he told her he was standing at a cross-road. He had been offered a +position, which in view of his youth was not of slight importance. But +before accepting it, he had to make sure whether at the same time he +could continue with his life-work. + +"It must be a very high position, isn't it?" Lilly asked proudly. Had +the world felt impelled to make him Minister of Fine Arts, or Emperor of +China, she would not have been a bit surprised. + +But he hesitated to reply, and finally said: + +"I'd rather tell you about it when it's all settled." + +She had to be content. + +Roofs gleaming red crept over the tops of the bushes. On the edge of the +horizon sparkled a lake, nothing more at that distance than a fine +silver thread. + +"Is that it?" asked Lilly. + +"Possibly." + +"Oh, don't put on such a mysterious air," she rebuked him teasingly. "Up +to now I've been very good and haven't asked a single question. But do +at last tell what you have up your sleeve." + +"Afterwards, when we're there," he laughed. "I know you. I shouldn't +like to make you jealous before the time's ripe." + +Oh, if a woman _was_ in the case! + +Another woman! + +She gave no outer signs of her emotion, but as she walked along she felt +quite ill, partly from hunger, partly from distress. + +The lake in its light blue summer beauty now lay before them with its +greyish-green girdle of reeds and its glistening play of light. + +Not far from the bank, on an eminence encircled with bushes, stood an +inn, a reddish-yellow atrocity, built in that barbarous style for frame +houses half-way between a palace and a barn. + +But three or four wide-spreading ancient lindens surrounded the inn, and +the white benches beneath offered pleasant seats according with Lilly's +and Konrad's mood. + +To the left the lake stretched into the hazy distance; to the right, +beyond the reeds, in the cove, lay a peasant village, with its mossy +green thatched roofs and its blunt, weather-beaten spire half hidden in +the bushes and reeds. + +And nearby, only a few hundred feet away, rose the mighty trees of a +park, from the interior of which here and there came a gleam of columns +and bridges and white, vine-clad walls. + +Probably the "forbidden garden," in front of whose railing she was to +stand that day. + +How beautiful and how mysterious. + +Anglers came up from the lake, red as lobsters and panting with thirst, +the sole guests, it seemed, besides Lilly and Konrad. The stream of +Sunday excursionists had not yet flowed into that quiet corner. + +But the bill of fare offered a dizzying abundance of good things--too +bad they had come all at once. The landlady who handed them the card +with smiling obsequiousness, was an artful city product. + +Konrad wanted Lilly to arrange the menu, but she refused. The thought of +the woman in the case oppressed her sorely, and, as through a dark veil, +she looked on the laughing world, which willingly threw its early summer +treasures at their feet. + +"At last we're here," she said sighing. "Now do confess: what sort of a +woman is she?" + +He burst out laughing. + +"So you know there's a woman in the case?" + +"What else would make me jealous?" + +"She has the right to make you jealous, I must say, I've never seen +anything more beautiful in my life. It's a pity she's of marble." + +Oh, if that was all. + +"I am and always will be a goose," laughed Lilly, and he kissed her hand +in apology. + +While awaiting the fish they had ordered, he told her the history that +led up to their present pilgrimage. + +In Rome he had once noticed an antique bust of a woman in an art +dealer's show window. The head was badly mutilated, but of such lofty +sombre beauty that he kept returning to the window to feast his eyes +upon it. One day he found the dealer and a German gentleman engaged in +an eager conversation, which, however, never progressed, because the two +did not understand each other. He offered his services as interpreter, +and to his dismay learned that his beloved was being bargained for. The +German was a baron, courteous and evidently a man of some culture. In +defiance of his own feelings Konrad tried his best to arrange the sale, +and for his pains received an invitation to view the bust in the baron's +park--he was to convince himself that the beautiful head was destined +for no unworthy setting. + +"Why, then, it's not a forbidden garden after all," cried Lilly, +blissfully stretching her arms toward the mysterious green walls. "We +have the right to enter it." + +But Konrad looked thoughtful. + +"It's not so simple as all that. Remember--as what shall I introduce +you? You're not my wife. I can't say you're my sister, as you and I +pretend, and we're both too young for any other relationship." + +A sudden bitterness welled up within her. Again she felt scorned, +outlawed, expelled from the community of the virtuous. + +"You should have left me at home," she burst out. "I'm nothing but a +burden to you." + +"Oh, Lilly," he said, "what do I care for all the marble women in the +world! I'd rather stand outside with you than be shown the honours of +the entire place." + +Reconciled and grateful, she stroked his hand hanging at his side. + +At this point--at last! the carp was served. + + * * * * * + +Two hours later they were walking along an endless wall about nine feet +high with never a break in it to peep through. + +But at the corner of the park to the right the wall came to an end +giving place to a high mossy wooden fence, which allowed them a view +some distance into the interior. + +Ancient plane trees arched over shady nooks with lindens and elms +forcing themselves between. Large-leafed vines with great violet eyes +draped the open grassy places. In the background on a hillock about +which towered sombre spruces stood a small, solemn round temple with +Tuscan columns and a gleaming green roof. + +"She must be in there," said Konrad. But the temple was empty. + +So they continued their search. Not a single opening in the foliage +escaped them. Here something gleamed and there and there--a Ceres, a +satyr blowing his pipe of Pan. In a cypress thicket they caught a +glimpse of a wayside shrine of Our Lady, but the woman's head they were +seeking was nowhere to be seen. + +They walked on. A stream flowing from within the park crossed the road. +An unsightly plank bridge, such as is to be seen on every highway, led +across. + +But a few hundred feet away, inside the park, another bridge boldly yet +gracefully threw its shining white arch over the running water. + +"The bridges in Venice look like that," he said. + +"That is the way the gods went to Walhalla," she said. + +With a sigh they stopped and pictured the delights of crossing that +bridge. + +Still nothing to be seen of their marble bust. + +Beyond the plank bridge, where the village began, the park receded some +distance from the road. A row of tall serious Weymouth pines ran along +the other side of the fence. + +The village street was gay with Sunday life. The sound of a piano and a +fiddle came from a dancing hall, interrupted every now and then by the +roll of bowling balls. + +Lilly and her friend passed without giving heed to these things. Their +wishes were still fastened upon the forbidden garden. Each moment +increased their longing. + +Hidden between the village lindens crouched crumbling stone posts to +which the decaying fence pales clung with difficulty. + +Here the foliage in the interior was impenetrable to the eye. Ivy and +clematis serpentined from trunk to trunk, and lilacs and spiraeas grew in +rank profusion between. + +The lord of the garden seemed to have drawn an inner living hedge about +himself and his companions to conceal them in laughing seclusion. + +Once more they walked along in vain endeavouring to get a peep into the +interior. + +Presently they came upon an ancient, three-winged gate, which with its +vases and columns, its cracked belfry, and its wrought-iron lace work, +was half sunk in blooming acacias. + +Here at last they could get a good view of the park. + +In sombre solemnity tall pines led straight to the castle. But even here +they were unable to obtain a glimpse of the buildings, which probably +stood off to one side hidden behind trees and bushes. The only +architectural bit their searching eyes discerned was a columned terrace, +where cherubs fluttered their snowy white wings. + +"Oh, how beautiful!" sighed Lilly, and pressing her face between the +iron bars she jestingly whined and begged to be let in. + +"That's just the way I stood outside the gate in Ravello. Now you know +what it's like." + +His words brought to Lilly the realisation that she had long known what +"it was like." She was familiar with the feeling. She had often stood in +the very same position. + +But where, where? + +Where had cold iron pressed her cheeks just as now? + +Oh, yes. Many and many a time she had stood at the iron grating of the +door leading to Mrs. Dehnicke's staircase, that proud, laurel-shaded +staircase which her desecrated feet were never to tread. + +That, too, was a forbidden garden! + +Forbidden gardens everywhere! + +"Shouldn't we go?" she asked softly. "It will simply depress us to +remain here." + +Hand in hand they returned the entire distance they had come, keeping +as close as possible to the enclosure and speaking of anything but their +hearts' desire. + +Nevertheless, their eyes remained fastened on the goal of their +aspirations; and the yearning they both felt, though neither of them +would express it for fear of hinting reproaches, threw a fairy film of +gold over the universe. + + * * * * * + +Evening came. + +Violet shadows lay upon the meadows, the coppery pine trunks glowed like +torches. As the sinking sun dipped into the reeds, the lake lost its +cool blue silvery sheen and adorned itself with a net of reddish gold. +It looked as if it had sportively drawn to itself the fulfilment of all +earthly promises. + +The two could no longer bear it on land. + +Down at the bathing pavilion, where a merry lot of people were splashing +about in the evening coolness, there was a boat to be hired for very +little. + +Konrad took the oars and Lilly seated herself at the tiller. + +Water plants plashed lightly against the sides of the boat, and the bow +cut through a waving carpet of pollen. + +Among this year's tender green reeds stood the yellowish-grey +weather-beaten remnants of last year's growth. Dark bulrushes edged the +shores, and the water-flag planted its golden tents between. + +Over the reeds and bulrushes they could see the massed park trees rising +toward the heavens like purple walls. + +When Lilly told him to look there, he observed indifferently: + +"Oh, no use, it's out of the question." + +Nevertheless he continued to cast sidelong glances that way. + +Lilly in her slight experience with boats did not know how to manage +the tiller, and after trying a while she threw the rope down and spread +her white shawl on the bottom of the boat to make a cosy nest for +herself. + +She lay crouched at Konrad's feet with her back to the seat in the +stern, and with her eyes lost in the blue depths she began to plan a +different future, some way of saving herself by a desperate leap into +the land of the virtuous. + +She would give music lessons--her knowledge sufficed for beginners--and +with her savings prepare for the stage, for which her talents eminently +fitted her--or, better still, take up scientific studies, because she +must keep intellectual pace with him. She must be a suitable friend so +long as he needed her friendship. + +Or--not to wound the sensibilities of others--she would leave Germany, +earn her living as a teacher of German, and when he should summon her, +return a new, purified being. + +Or--oh dear, "or!" + +To lie and dream and drink the cup of her present joy to the dregs. +Discovery and death--the one involved the other--would come soon enough. + +The sun dissolved behind a blood-red curtain. Violet vapours closed +down, enveloping things far and near. The entire world seemed to have +thinned into light and air. The reeds alone, with their slender black +stalks standing out against the evening glow like a dainty railing of +wrought iron, retained their corporeal aspect. + +The foliage of the park slowly melted into a mass of darkness. + +Now the park seemed to be doubly a forbidden garden, filled to the brim +with thrills and mysteries, sunk forever in the realm of the +unattainable. + +As the boat glided slowly along the edge of the reeds a blue cove +suddenly opened up, making a wedge-shaped cut into the land on the park +side. It seemed to continue inward without end. + +For a few moments Konrad remained motionless, his oars suspended. Then +he jumped to his feet with an exclamation of joy. + +"What's the matter? What's the matter?" + +"You remember the stream flowing out on the other side of the park?" + +"Certainly." + +"It must have flowed in somewhere--eh?" + +"Of course." + +He pointed to the gleaming tip of the cove. + +"There it is." + +"You think we shall after all--?" + +The thought was too bold for utterance. + +"Now, by water, in this boat, we shall cross that whole dark region from +one side to the other." + +In her rapture she jumped up with a little outcry of delight, and fell +upon his neck, naturally, as if they had never exchanged vows and +pledges. + +The boat gradually slipped into the current and floated between meadows +set with willows where the evening mist lay like white swathes. Beyond +stood gleaming peasant huts; and fishing nets draped the fences. + +Then, at a bend in the stream, a mighty arch of foliage opened up before +them. + +"O Lord!" cried Lilly. + +"Psst! We must keep very quiet now," he said, "else we'll be turned out +after all." + +He dipped his oars so lightly that the sound might have been taken for +the splash of a leaping fish. + +He rowed through the gate of leaves under branches joined overhead in a +mazy thicket. It was dark as night in this spot, though here and there +on the right a gleam of the summer twilight pierced through the foliage. + +They also caught a glimpse of lights and heard talk and laughter and the +sound of clinking glasses and, intermittently, a chord, as if someone in +the midst of conversation carelessly ran his hand over the keys. + +Here the trees and bushes were wider apart, and they had an unobstructed +view of the castle--a broad, two-storey building. Its ponderous +simplicity pointed to the time when the grandees of Brandenburg had not +yet possessed a feeling for art. But on the terrace were the cherubs who +had greeted them from a distance in the afternoon. + +Between their white bodies at a long table in the flickering lamplight +sat a chattering, laughing, singing company, apparently drinking in the +intoxication of the summer evening with their wine. + +"He, too, might be sitting there, if I weren't a mill-stone about his +neck," thought Lilly, and she felt as if she ought to beg his pardon. + +The current carried the boat on. The banquet scene vanished like the +vision of a moment. + +Passing that end of the castle in which the kitchen and pantries lay, +where ministering spirits ran busily to and fro, they dipped once more +into silence and darkness. + +To the right of them back of the many-windowed edifice, was a lawn with +old statues and ivy-draped urns--to the left a world buried in darkness. +A line of lindens, hundreds of years old, bordered the stream and +stifled every ray of light in its dark halls. + +Perhaps this was where the marble bust was hidden. Lilly peered into +every recess, though furtively, so as to reserve the pleasure of +discovery for him. + +They now approached the daintily arched bridge they had seen from afar +in the daytime. + +It did not lead to Walhalla, but from a spiraea bush to a hemp bush, and +beneath it slept a pair of swans, who awoke at the stroke of the oars +and with outspread wings swam behind the boat begging for bread. + +"Swans! The one thing lacking!" Lilly rejoiced softly, and sought in +vain for a crumb. She turned to look after the swans and her neck +touched his knees. + +"May I stay this way?" she asked a little anxiously. + +"If you're comfortable," he answered. There was a yielding tone in his +voice which ran warm through her body. + +She unpinned her hat, and laid it on the back seat. Now she was free to +lean her head lightly against him. With sweet alarm she felt his hand +quietly stroke her head. + +But he seemed taciturn and self-absorbed, as if a burden were weighing +upon him which he was not strong enough to shoulder. + +And again she felt, as ofttimes, that a veil hung between them, a veil +seldom lifted aside, which obscured the true features of his being, no +matter how closely her love drew her to him. + +"Oh, if only he were gay!" + +The park came to an end. + +The red evening glow, no longer shadowed by a mass of foliage, shone +upon them insistently. The magic spell threatened to be broken. The +world took on its ordinary aspect. + +"Come, turn," she asked softly. + +He rowed back again into the blissful night. + +Now he had to strive against the current, and could not avoid the sound +of splashing. + +"If only they don't catch us," he said. + +"Oh, they are too happy," rejoined Lilly, "they wouldn't do anything to +a happy person." + +"It seems almost like an enchanted castle, but who can tell--it may be a +delusion." + +"Why?" + +"Oh, the most grievous wound may be hidden under powers, and many a man +hides himself behind beauty because he has buried his powers." + +The doubt displeased Lilly. + +"But they should be happy," she exclaimed softly. "Those who can spare so +much as they have given us to-day have enough left for themselves." + +"Illogical conclusion, darling," he replied. "You can enrich a beggar +and still remain as poor as a church-mouse." + +"Are _we_ beggars?" she asked, raising herself up to him tenderly. + +"No, by God, we are _not_ beggars," he replied drawing a deep breath. + +There was silence for a time. Then it seemed to Lilly something warm and +moist fell upon her forehead. + +For God's sake! He was crying! Crying with happiness. How had she +deserved it--she, Lilly Czepanek--she--? + +To hide her own tears she crouched down again. It was in overflowing +measure--unendurable. She wanted to sob, cry aloud, kiss his hands. Yet +she was forced to clench her fists and stuff her gloves between her +teeth, to keep him from seeing what was going on within her. It was a +God-send that as they slowly approached the castle again, the sound of a +woman's singing reached them. Full ringing tones, which in the ascending +notes struck her heart like a lash. + +What was she singing? Wasn't it from Tristan? Lilly had never heard the +opera, but it could only be from Tristan. + +She raised her head questioningly. + +"Isolde's _Liebestod_," Konrad whispered in her ear. + +He turned the boat toward the shore in the deepest darkness. They must +not lose a note. + +Up there on the terrace the laughing and talking had ceased. The +nightingale alone, in the linden thicket, would not be silenced, and +mingled its sweet ecstasy with the exultation in death of the woman who +like no other creation of God or man teaches us that the desire not to +be is the most exalted affirmation of to be. + +Lilly, her whole body quivering, put her hand over her shoulder to grasp +his. She had to hold on to him. Otherwise she felt she would sink into +the void. She did not grow easier until she felt his warm fingers +between hers. + +The song ended. The mighty arpeggios of the accompaniment died away. +There was no applause. Each of the merry guests had realised his +indebtedness to the occasion. + +Konrad pressed her hand and withdrew his, and took up the oars again. + +The forbidden garden began to disappear. + +The reddish dusk of night lay upon the meadows. Not sound far or near. +Nevertheless the world seemed filled with the music of harps and ringing +songs. + +"We haven't _seen_ your marble woman," Lilly whispered, stroking his +knees, "but I keep thinking that was her voice." + +"I, too," he burst out passionately. "And she wasn't singing for the +good folk up there, but just for us." + +"Oh, if only I could sing it like her," sighed Lilly. + +"Try." + +She remembered bits here and there, but was unable to gather them into a +whole. Besides something else forced its way between, which now gushed +up mightier than all else. + +With the Song of Songs of the greatest and richest her own poor Song of +Songs mingled, undesired, uncalled. + +And she sang into the deep silence: + + Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, + Where thou feedest? + Where lettest thou thy flock rest at noon? + For why should I appear like a vailed mourner-- + +She stopped. + +"What is that?" he asked. "I don't know it at all." + +"It is--my--Song of Songs," she rejoined fetching a deep breath. + +Never before had she uttered the name to a human being. + +"Your Song of Songs?" he asked, bewildered. + +Lilly realised an hour like this would never come again. It was the +moment to confide to him the secret of her youth. + +"Drop the oars and listen. I will tell you something. It may sound silly +and stupid to you, but to me it was always like something sacred." + +Without speaking he laid the oars down. + +"You must sit next to me," she said, "so I can look at you." + +He cast a searching glance in all directions. + +The boat had long been quietly drifting again on the mirror-like lake, +upon which all the light of the summer night had gathered in +scintillating blue and purple spots. Nowhere the slightest sign of +danger. + +Then he did as she had asked. + +They nestled on the boat bottom pressed close against each other with +their heads leaning against the bench on which Konrad had been sitting. + +And she told her tale. + +Told of the legacy her vanished father had left, what power had always +emanated from it; how it had completely filled her girlhood years, +though later it had acquired a far loftier and more mysterious +significance, becoming a symbol of her deeds. When her life sank into +chaos and nothingness it remained dumb, often for years. But if her soul +began to soar, when her hopes and activities harmonised then all of a +sudden it reappeared, and with its soft song drowned the world's evil. +It had not been able to guard her against guilt or disgrace, but it had +kept her free inwardly and susceptible to the influence of the One who +would some day come to her. + +And now that he actually had come, she felt that this hour of fulfilment +had struck both for her and her Song of Songs. It must now go forth into +the world and conquer all hearts and bring purification and upliftment +to its creator and herself. + +In her enthusiasm she forgot the time and the place and the whole world. + +The one thought obsessed her: to throw more of her inward self, of what +was most holy to her, at his feet. But she had said everything, more +than she had ever deemed herself likely to tell a living soul, more than +she had known of herself up to that hour. + +He now held in his hands whatever there was of good and lofty and +hopeful still within her. The other--the lazy, the impure, that which +had ruined her heart and life--no longer existed. It no longer concerned +her. + +While speaking, though she would have liked to look at him, she had not +dared to; but now that she was finished she ventured to turn toward +him. + +She saw his eyes resting upon her with a singularly confused and drunken +look, such as she had never before seen in him. He usually held his +feelings as it were in his clenched fists. + +Her heart began to throb, and the hopeful disquiet for which she had no +name and no object became so strong that she felt she should have to run +to the other end of the boat to keep from stifling at his side. + +Then she saw him close his eyes and throw his head back hard against the +bench. + +"You'll hurt yourself," she whispered. And so far from fleeing him, she +laid her arm like a pillow between his neck and the cutting edge of the +bench. + +His head rested on her bosom, and he breathed heavily. + +"Shall I sing some more of it?" she asked, bending over him tenderly. + +"Yes, yes, yes," he burst out. + +So she sang in a low caressing voice, as if they were lullabies, all +those arias and odes which no mortal ear had heard from her lips since +the day when her mother's soul had gone down into eternal night. + +She sang of the "lily of the valley" and the "rose of Sharon" and the +verse in which all the witchery of spring is concentrated: + + For, lo, the winter is past, + The rain is over and gone; + The flowers appear on the earth; + The time of the singing of birds is come, + And the voice of the turtle is heard in the land; + The fig putteth forth her green figs, + And the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. + Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. + +She sang more and still more. If she asked him "Enough?" he merely shook +his head, and nestled closer. + +Once she gave a fleeting glance upward, and noticed they were wedged in +among the reeds, and night had completely descended. + +But what cared she? Somehow or other they would manage to get home. + +There was little more of it to sing. "Set me as a seal upon thy heart" +and "How beautiful are thy steps in sandals, O prince's daughter." And +then the verse the beginning of which so well suited the day: + + Come, my friend! + Let us go forth into the field, + +But when it came to + + Let us see if the vine have blossomed, + Whether the young grape have opened, + +she could scarcely go on. + + Whether the pomegranates have budded, + There will I give my caresses unto thee. + +She was unable to continue. Her breath began to give out. + +"Why don't you sing?" she heard him ask. + +A buzzing of bees, a ringing of bells all about. + +"Be brave!" her soul cried, "Else you will lose him." + +She felt two twitching lips grope for hers. + +A swift end to all bravery. + + * * * * * + +It was long past midnight when they landed. The bathing pavilion stood +there dark and deserted; but lights were still shining in the hotel. + +Very timidly they rang the bell. + +"We always keep a room for belated young married couples," said the +obsequious, smiling hostess. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + +It would be wide of the truth to aver that no happy star favoured +Lilly's ripened love. + +In the first place Adele proved to be a circumspect ally, thoroughly +accustomed to be uncommunicative and passionately devoted to the cause +of Lilly's lover. In the second place Richard, who had gone to his +mother in Harzburg that epoch-making Sunday, had remained away the +greater part of a week instead of one day. And in the third place, upon +visiting her on his return, he was so preoccupied with himself and his +own affairs as not to notice in the least Lilly's guilty embarrassed +reception of him. + +He affected a highly lofty mien and talked through his nose, as always +when he pulled his soul together, as it were, and became vividly +conscious of having once been a cavalry officer. He even wore his +monocle again hanging down over his navy-blue silk waistcoat. + +All of which taken in conjunction with the crafty expression with which +he blinked his eyes and steadily looked past Lilly and dropped his head +on his left shoulder, gave sufficient ground for the welcome assumption +that he had delayed the visit to his mother and, instead,--like Lilly +herself--had taken a side excursion _a deux_ into the blossoming world +of spring. + +The conjecture, however, proved to be false. + +Richard had been in Harzburg the whole time and intended to return the +very next day for a longer stay of at least four weeks. + +"What's the matter?" he exclaimed in alarm. + +Lilly, overwhelmed by the veritable tempest of happiness that burst upon +her, had reeled and sunk on the arm of a chair. + +She instantly collected her wits again and denied that she had been +overcome. Nevertheless, he remained full of solicitude, kissed her on +her neck again and again, and would not permit her to go to the trouble +of pouring out the tea for him. A guilty conscience peeped from every +pore of his being. + +"Unfortunately," he said, trying to return to his former lofty manner, +"unfortunately there's no longer a chance of our taking a trip together. +Anyhow--we've gotten too used to each other. Both of us will have to +practise getting along without each other. It's highly desirable we +should. We certainly should." + +His words sounded like familiar music coming from a great, great +distance. + +"Confess," she said smiling. "What is it this time?" + +Out he came with it, stuttering and choking over his words. + +An American heiress--of German extraction--millions and millions--not +millions of marks, but millions of dollars--very stylish and chic--a +wonderful piece of luck--mama in a quiver to have it go through--her +parents favourably disposed--she, too, evidently not disinclined. This +time or never. + +"Congratulate you," said Lilly, giving him a friendly handshake. + +He looked at her with large, astonished, and somewhat reproachful eyes. + +"Is that all?" he asked. + +"Why--what else?" + +"How can you remain so cool? Doesn't the thought that your old friend is +about to leave you move you in the least? I took you to be more loving, +more sympathetic. I certainly did." + +"Please remember," said Lilly, "you reproach me the same way each time +you make up your mind to marry because I don't want to be a hindrance to +you. You always act as if _I_ had dismissed you, and not you me." + +He burst into expostulations. + +"Dismiss--what language you use! You haven't the least idea of what's +going on within me--how I struggle and wrestle with myself. Why, I +haven't slept for nights thinking what will become of you. But you +behave as if it didn't concern you in the least! Altogether +you're--frivolous! You have no feelings--now you know it." + +While he spoke, pictures of her approaching freedom danced before her +eyes--nights of unshackled, glowing love, days full of sweet, vague +dreams. + +What followed lay as far off as the end of the world. + +Smiling good-humouredly, she listened, and never even responded. + +"Though your future doesn't seem to worry _you_," he continued to +upbraid her, "_I_ must give it all the more consideration. I must +provide for you, and mama quite agrees with me." + +The word "mama" tore her from her world of dreams. + +Since the terrific encounter in Richard's office, it had scarcely ever +passed their lips. They had employed a thousand circumlocutions and +substitutes which they understood and which each appreciated in the +other. + +Now "mama" suddenly rang in her ears, the symbol of her disgraced +existence. + +"Oh," she cried, "if she's in it, it's bound to be humiliating to me. +I'll tell both of you one thing: take good care not to make a +proposition to me about money, or support, or anything of the sort. I'd +consider it an outrageous insult, for which you could _never_ make +amends." + +He ran up and down the room wringing his hands. + +"What are you talking about again! Quite apart from the fact that I'd be +eternally disgraced in the eyes of the world. Woman, don't you know +you're ruined if I turn you adrift empty-handed? Don't you know where +you'd go to? To the bars and brothels! Don't you know it?" + +In blissful absentmindedness Lilly looked past him and his gallant zeal. + +"There are other ways," she whispered half to herself. + +"What ways?" he cried, "Marriage, forsooth? What decent man would marry +you after you've been my mistress for four years?" + +"There are other ways than that, too," she repeated still smiling. + +She saw a life full of fight and vigour, a tossing hither and thither +through storm and stress, a jubilant triumph which led her into the +community of those who were as proud and true as _he_. + +But all that would come later, much, much later. Why think of it now? + +Richard put his own construction upon her words. He fixed his eyes upon +her suspiciously, and stopping in front of her, asked with a shudder: + +"I say--are you going to do something foolish?" + +She burst out laughing. Probably he already saw her beautiful corpse +taken from the water and stretched on the bier. + +"No, I won't do anything foolish. Certainly not for your sake. And even +if I intended to, I'd have the good taste not to threaten you with it." + +He drew a deep breath of relief, though by no means quite calmed. + +"At any rate," he said, "I greatly dislike your poking here alone. +You'll simply get the blues and feel irritated at me. I say, while I'm +gone, wouldn't you like to take a little trip to a bath--Ahlbeck, or +Schreiberbau, or some other place of the sort, where respectable people +go?" + +Nothing on the surface but a faint twitch of her eyelids betrayed the +laugh of scorn that shook her internally. + +"You know," she said, "I don't like to make up to people, and so I'd be +all the more alone." + +He wrinkled his forehead lost in thought. + +"Well--then--" He hesitated and chewed his words as people are wont to +do when they dread their own bravery, "--then--it would be best if +you--come and stay near--" + +"Near--near what?" + +"Oh, don't act that way. You know what I mean." + +"I do, but I cannot believe it." + +"What's so awful about it? I could look after you now and then--or talk +over matters--different things." + +"And show her to me so as to get my opinion and my blessing--eh?" + +"Well and supposing it's so? The way we are to each other--the way we +haven't done a thing for years without asking each other's advice, +what's so monstrous about it?" + +Lilly felt a patronising pity arise within her. She stroked his hands +and said: + +"Dear friend, I don't think I'd furnish the right sort of assistance to +you in your courtship." + +Her superior tone increased his ill-humour. + +"Goodness gracious! 'Assistance,' 'courtship!' You talk as if you were +on the stage. Altogether you're so puffed up--so puffed up! Of course +you simply want to revenge yourself on me by making me angry. I must say +it's not at all noble of you at such a time." + +She laughed and stretched herself. How low it all was! How ridiculous! +And how indifferent to her! After all did it concern her? + +To be alone--alone with him! There was nothing else in the world beside +that. + +"Then you don't want to?" + +She shook her head, "No." + +"Very well." + +He prepared to leave in anger, but lacked the strength. + +"Lilly." + +"Hm?" + +"I'd like to avoid any misunderstandings. You seem to think I'm not in +earnest this time." + +"By no means, Richard. I wish you all possible happiness. But really, +with the best of intentions, I can be of no service to you in this +affair." + +"Of service to me! Of service to me! Who's speaking of service to me? +Mama was quite right. If I break off this time, there won't be anything +else for me any more. So make it quite clear to yourself. In a few weeks +all's over between us." + +"So much the better," she came near saying. But she saw the tears in the +corners of his eyes, and refrained from hurting him. + +Four years lived together lay behind them. He was too tightly tied to +her apron strings. She felt she ought not to let him go without her +advice and encouragement. + +So she spoke to him as to a child. She said his mother was right, +praised his project, and counted up all the reasons why it absolutely +had to be. In order to calm him as to her own attitude, she recalled how +it had always been her ambition to let him feel his freedom and never +stand in his way. She also assured him she would cherish friendly +sentiments for him until the end of her days. + +Finally, on parting, they both wept. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + +Now the way was clear. Now she might consecrate the new life and rejoice +in it. + +July came and scorched the deserted streets. + +The denizens of the aristocratic west side who remained in town with no +employer to drive them dreamed away idle days behind drawn shades, +hovering between the couch and the bathtub. + +Lilly did not awaken to real life until evening came, when the world +endeavoured to throw off the heat it had absorbed during the day, when +dusty yellow vapours rolled on the turbid water of the canal, and beyond +the chestnuts, the leaves of which were already beginning to wither, the +red glow of the heavens melted into one with the winking lights of the +street lamps. + +Then she strolled at Konrad's side in the blue twilight of the streets, +always alert to escape the observation of acquaintances. + +Staid middle-class families promenaded to the beer gardens, love-couples +met at the appointed street corners; and among them surged the mass of +those whom life has left solitary with shy passionate yearnings, and who +hope to steal from smiling chance that for which they no longer dare +implore sterner gods. Over the exhausted city hung a sultry haze of +secret desire, in which formal restraint and genuine feeling flickered +and went out, leaving no sign of ever having been. + +How remote those days when Lilly herself wandered about in the same +fashion, hoping for the intervention of fate, yet lacking the courage +to compel it. And shuddering at dangers she had escaped, she clung +closer to Konrad's protecting arm. + +She and Konrad always managed to find a secluded nook where gypsy bands +played their fiddles, or Tyrolese strummed their dulcimers, or the host +himself, some musician come down in the world acted as orchestra leader. +In the ivy-hung corners between laurel trees planted in green painted +tubs they had little fear of discovery. + +Their intercourse had undergone a change. + +There were still instructive discourses upon all sorts of subjects and +Lilly intently hung upon Konrad's lips; but her holy ardour for +knowledge had cooled down. + +That God does not exist, that Fra Lippo Lippi had been a +good-for-nothing, that baroque art has it good points, and that a line +gone crazy ought to be sent to the madhouse, even if it poses as +ultra-modern, these and many more novel, interesting things Lilly had +long known. But they no longer evoked discussion. + +Often their eyes would meet and linger with a soft yearning smile in +them as if that were the most eloquent language in which they could talk +to each other. And often Konrad's thoughts went their own way, returning +to Lilly only under compulsion. She would then grow melancholy and +jealous, and insist on leaving. + +She would not feel thoroughly content until he lay comfortably in her +arm, on her heart. + +The walls were permeated with the day's heat; the curtains threatened +suffocation; a veritable sirocco blew through the cracks of the +shutters. But Lilly and Konrad suffered no discomfort. The glow accorded +with their mood. + +It was the greatest disaster for either of them to fall asleep, and thus +shamefully curtail the time they spent together. So they agreed that the +one who remained conscious longer should rouse the other. + +Lilly was invariably the one to remain awake. Konrad was exhausted by +his work, and in the morning he could not doze off again after a cup of +tea in bed, or in the afternoon rest on the couch. And when he lay there +next to her with twitching limbs, like a thoroughbred hunting dog, she +felt much too sorry for him to keep her promise. + +She would sit up in bed, and never weary of gazing at him in the dim +light of the red-shaded candle. + +There was always something in his face to study--the strong-willed fold +between his brows, deeper than before and still somewhat intimidating; +the muscles of his temples incessantly working; and the curling upper +lip, the right end of which every now and then twitched as if he were +smiling at her in his sleep. He had grown thin. His skin had lost its +firmness, and on his cheeks lay shadows which darkened at his jaws. +There was a line of suffering about his nostrils. He looked like a young +Christ, created just to be adored. + +Sometimes while staring at him, she thought: + +"If I were to kill him now, run a hat pin through his heart or something +of the sort, he would belong to me, to me alone, forever." + +Then she would hollow her hand and place it on the left side of his +breast and fancy she held his heart and with his heart his love, which +she need never more give up. + +Once while she bent over him, he awoke with a start. + +"What's the matter? Did I do anything to you?" he asked. + +"Why?" + +"Your expression is so strange, almost as if you were angry with me." + +She resolved not to stare at him any more. But she could not resist; she +loved him too dearly. + +It was horrible when dread seized her that she might lose him. Many a +night it attacked her with such awful force that she felt like screaming +and raving and tearing her hair. But it would be wrong to rouse him. So +she gently laid her head under his shoulder, one arm under his back, the +other across his breast, and pressing close against him told herself she +had grown into one with him. + +Then gradually she grew calmer and could find comfort in tears, or in +picturing to herself how happy she would make him, unspeakably happy. +She would envelop him in a mantle of love, so soft and thick as to +prevent fate's rude blows from reaching him. She would be his muse, +would wear an invisible aureole about her head, enkindle the desire +within him for a thousand great deeds; she would give him the devoted +care of a Sister of Mercy, would learn to cook and make her own dresses. +No--rather attend scientific courses at the university, and study music. +Oh, she would do many more things, that he should never weary of her. + +For all this, of course, she would first have to be free, with relations +between her and Richard entirely broken off. + +She often thought of Richard also, but without a shadow of blame. She +had long forgiven him for having led her to the brink of the abyss. + +"Each person acts according to the law of his own being," Konrad had +said. + +Besides, Richard had once been her saviour. + +So far as the outer world was concerned, the new life was to begin as +soon as Richard announced his engagement. He had written that his suit +was progressing, and by right her free life with Konrad ought already to +have commenced, but Lilly did not feel equal to a crisis. She shuddered +at all the lies she would continually have to dish up to Konrad, once a +change took place in her household. + +She avoided facing the poverty that was bound to come. It was only at +night when she had worked herself into a joyous ecstasy on the sleeping +man's breast, and her future with him stretched before her in gold and +purple, that privation seemed to her the very sum and substance of +happiness and plenitude. + +At three o'clock in the morning, when the street lamps went out one by +one, and the grey of dawn came creeping over the ceiling, Lilly would +have to awaken him. + +He must not meet any of the tenants of the house. She owed it to his and +her own reputation. + +While dressing he groped about, drunk with sleep, among Lilly's ivory +toilet articles, still resplendent with the seven-pointed coronet, and +managed to get himself into shape for a stimulating cup of black coffee +at the nearest Vienna cafe. + +For he felt that from Lilly's bed he must go to his desk with all +possible speed. + +He could not be dissuaded from this madness. + +The passionate hours of the night demanded atonement; an idea to which +he clung tenaciously, no matter that he spent the early morning hours in +vain, wearisome brooding over his papers. + +Lilly, on the other hand, fell into a deep sleep, from which Adele +roused her at about ten o'clock, when she brought in the breakfast tray, +smiling contentedly. + +Lilly let Konrad have every other night for himself. + +She did not want to suck his lifeblood away. Even so he gave her +sufficient cause for worry. His colour was bad, his eyes vacillated, his +mood varied abruptly from violent gaiety to vacant-eyed self-absorption. + +All that would surely be different when once--what? + +To think of nothing, to plan nothing, to wish for nothing. Just to love +him and know he was happy. + +She spent her days dreaming both pleasant and tremulous dreams. Her +intense fervour for mental occupation had departed. Besides, all sorts +of new and important things intervened to distract her; especially the +need to please him, to hand him daily the draft that intoxicated him and +kept him her own. + +Hitherto she had taken the beauty of her body as a matter of course, and +had paid as little regard to it as to a hidden and useless object. Now +she felt she must constantly take thought of the ideal he treasured in +his mind, must try to resemble it--she well knew that in reality she +approached it a little only when drunken bliss exalted her above herself +and the stale and unprofitable flats of her life. + +Thus arose an eager cult of her flesh, something she had always +despised. + +She took care of her body like a woman in a harem, perfumed her baths, +manicured her toe nails, lengthened her eyebrows, and powdered her arms +and shoulders. Every day she discovered new blemishes, which discouraged +her and for which she sought new remedies. + +At the same time she was ever haunted by the fear that through sheer +attention to her toilet she would acquire the look of a beautiful +prostitute. So she locked away her jewellery and dressed very simply. +None but the connoisseur could discern how much artistic care had gone +into the creation of this faultless simplicity. + +When she was alone what troubled her most was jealousy. Not that she +suspected him of relations with another woman. He stood too high in her +estimation for that. But she was jealous of everything he did. The +thought of his desk fairly tortured her. Each hour he spent away from +her seemed traitorous to her love, and she thought of his friends with a +hostility of which she had never deemed herself capable. + +On the evenings she was left alone, she held watch over his room from +the opposite side of the street, where she stood pressed in a doorway +exactly as formerly in Alte Jakobstrasse. + +When his lamp was lighted she was satisfied, but when she saw him come +or go at a late hour, she did not sleep the whole night. + +He lived a short distance from her in a third-storey room. It was long +before he permitted her to call on him. + +In the room next to his, he explained, lay a sick woman who had to be +kept from the slightest excitement. The sound of a strange voice might +aggravate her condition. + +While telling this to Lilly he strangely avoided her eyes and she felt +that a hundred chances to one he was keeping something from her. But +when upon her insistence he admitted her to his room one afternoon she +found nothing to confirm her suspicions. She merely had to speak very +low; which she had known beforehand. + +His room was just an ordinary student's room. It had two windows, a high +ceiling, cheap furniture, and no couch and no carpet. But valuable +engravings adorned the walls, and the customary pier-glass was hidden +behind an old copy of the Madonna di Foligno, who looked down in serene +loftiness upon the poverty of northern philistinism. There were long low +bookcases full of books; and more books, for which there was no room on +the shelves were piled up high in the corners, protected against dust by +pieces of crushed oil-cloth, such as pedlars use for wrapping about +their wares. + +As was to be expected, the desk was the only article that displayed a +certain luxuriousness. Like the pictures, it was Konrad's own property. +With its noble carving and broad top, it stood in the centre of the +room, solemn as an altar. + +Not one woman's picture to be seen on it. Lilly had not given him hers, +and evidently others were not deemed worthy of the place of honour. + +There was only one photograph, that of an old gentleman, framed with +glass, which stood back of the blotting pad and the ink well. A +weather-beaten, epicurean face, with fine snow-white hair, and shrewd +eyes beneath half-sunken lids, eyes peculiar to old connoisseurs of +women. + +It was the picture of the uncle who had paid for Konrad's education and +supported him. + +Lilly felt a dull oppression, as if those eyes were looking her through +and through, and needed but a glance to unveil the great secret that she +concealed from her lover with a thousand subterfuges. + +"I'll be careful never to meet him," she thought. + +Konrad took from a drawer his precious treasure, the preliminary work on +his great history of human emotions, and showed Lilly the reams of paper +closely covered with writing. + +This work was his real love, and she, Lilly Czepanek, was nothing but a +dark, bloodless shadow, which greedily glided through his nights. + +"Put it back again," she said discontentedly, and turned away to take +leave. + +But even his great work was not enough for Konrad. In addition, he +drudged over a number of short articles. As his name become known in +professional circles, he received an increasing number of orders, all of +which he accepted and tried to fill. + +And one day Lilly found out what the important position was of which he +had spoken three weeks before on that never-to-be-forgotten excursion. + +"I couldn't make up my mind until to-day," said Konrad. "But now I have +actually decided to take the position. It is assistant editorship on a +magazine. The editor-in-chief called on me himself, and wouldn't let go +of me until I said yes. A fascinating fellow. In spite of his great +intellectual ability, a man of childlike innocence. And so frank and +friendly. You must get to know him immediately, if you don't already." + +"What is his name?" + +"Dr. Salmoni." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +No. It came about differently. + +Fate did not lay its clutch upon her with such rude hands. + +Lilly was spared the disgrace of being caught like a criminal, and by an +act of volition was enabled to prove that she was not unworthy of the +great passion that had blessed her life. + +After the mention of Dr. Salmoni's name Lilly feared to venture out on +the street with Konrad. She imagined that each person coming behind them +must be the dreaded man, who had once stolen upon her in front of the +house on Alte Jakobstrasse and might be following her now as he had +then. + +In order to save herself this torture she finally told Konrad that a +lady of her acquaintance had visited her the day before and had asked +with marked emphasis about the slim young man with whom she had always +appeared. + +The effect of Lilly's lie was terrifying. + +Konrad said nothing and ate nothing. He paced up and down the room with +a wild, hunted expression, and went away at the very moment when their +happiest hours were wont to begin. + +The following day light was thrown upon the situation. + +Konrad came at twilight, paler than usual, his eyes shining unnaturally. + +"Listen, darling," he said, "I spent the night thinking everything over, +and now I know what I ought to do. We can't go on this way." + +She thought he meant that he must leave her. An icy numbness spread over +her body. She looked at him quietly awaiting the death blow. + +"Since we belong to each other," he continued, "we have never spoken of +your betrothed. That doesn't mean I didn't think of him. And you have +been very reticent about his friend, Mr. Dehnicke. All I know is Mr. +Dehnicke is now off on a trip and has left you, so to speak, without a +guardian." + +She forced herself to smile. Why did he prolong the agony? + +"I must confess, in the midst of all my happiness, I have always felt +that this exploiting of the situation was nothing more nor less than +contemptible so far as I myself am concerned. But I am not the one to be +considered. The question is: what will become of you? The thing I +dreaded from the very first has come to pass: your friends have begun to +notice us together. You can't ask one person not to tell another. That's +degrading. So your friend will discover everything. He will call you to +account, you will be too proud to deny the truth, and the end of the +story will be that you will be left alone, utterly unprotected. Because +the way things are now, _I_ haven't even the right to protect you. The +thought of it is sickening." + +He jumped up, ran his outspread fingers through his imaginary shock of +hair, and tramped up and down. + +Lilly felt the blood begin to course through her veins again, and with +it life and thought. + +The dear, noble, unsuspecting boy! + +She came near bursting into laughter. But she refrained herself and +said: + +"You can be perfectly calm, Konni. Mr. Dehnicke won't find out, and +even if he does, he won't believe it. Or if he believes it, he will take +good care--" + +She could not continue. The great innocent eyes troubled her. + +"So you still think he will--?" + +Konrad also faltered. He, too, was unable to utter the unspeakable. + +Lilly regarded the buttons on her skirt, and said nothing. + +"When is Mr. Dehnicke coming home again?" he asked. + +"He's not certain. He's gone a-wooing," Lilly replied with a little +feeling of triumph. She thought she was saying something which raised +her above suspicion in the future--there was still a possibility of +suspicion. + +"Where is he now?" + +"Why do you want to know?" + +"I want to speak to him." + +Lilly started. She could not believe her ears. + +It _could_ not be. Either she must have lost her reason or Konrad. + +"Don't be afraid," he reassured her. "I know quite well what I owe your +reputation. But I should like to find out at last what _he_ thinks of +your situation. There's a man in the United States whom you are pledged +to, yet he doesn't let himself be heard from. He doesn't come for you. +He doesn't write. Why doesn't he write? If he's ignorant of your +whereabouts, he's perfectly aware that Mr. Dehnicke's business is known +in Berlin. You can't be sure he's still alive. At first I tried to +explain his silence in various ways. But now I say to myself, he's +either dead or as good as dead. And are you to consider yourself bound? +Should you make your entire social existence dependent upon a sort of +guard of honour, which has nothing more to guard? I'd like to hold all +this under Mr. Dehnicke's nose. He'll have to answer me. Don't you think +he will?" + +"Konrad has less worldly knowledge than is permissible," thought Lilly, +pityingly, and replied: "But I don't understand, Konni, what right you +have to call a stranger to account." + +"That's my affair," he rejoined, tossing his head defiantly. "I must +know if he will set you free. I won't brook his playing the slave-master +over you." + +"And I won't brook your getting yourself into a false position," cried +Lilly in reawakened alarm. She already heard blows and pistol shots. "I +myself will speak to Mr. Dehnicke. I will free myself, I promise you. +But you, if _you_ go to him, what will he think of me? At best you will +merely succeed in compromising me." + +He drew himself up to his full height. His eyes flashed victoriously. + +"If a man loves you and wants you to be his wife, why should that +compromise you?" + + * * * * * + +It was hot and murky when these words were spoken. The canary ran about +on the sand of his cage chirping wearily, his wings drooping; the gold +fish hung motionless behind their glass walls, and the naked monkey +whined in its sleep. + +The slimy canal water reflected bluish black clouds; a storm hovered in +the atmosphere, and this was the thunder-clap. + +Lilly's first sensation was one of surprise--not joyous surprise, indeed +not. Then came an unspeakably mournful cry, which no mortal ear heard, +though all the more painful in its muteness. + +"Too late--a lost chance--nothing to hope for--no more happiness on +earth--too late!" + +She leaned back on the sofa and studied the ceiling attentively and +thoroughly. + +He was awaiting his answer. + +If she lowered her eyes, she would have to encounter his eyes, which ate +into her soul. No salvation from those eyes, no salvation from that +which must perforce come. + +And he was waiting. + +Then she heard her own voice, very clear and very calm, as if Mrs. Jula +were speaking in her place, that little artist of life with the iron +brow. + +"I thought, Konni, you and I had agreed never to marry." + +"How can you remind me of it?" he cried violently. "Did I know how +things would turn out when I said it? Did I know who you are and what +bliss and torture a goddess of a woman like you can bestow on a poor +devil? Yes, torture. I must tell you everything to-day. I'm at my wit's +end. There's a break in my life. Everything is torn asunder--my work, my +thoughts, my belief in you. You want to be my good genius. Instead +you're almost my evil genius. Don't be frightened. It's not your fault. +I am not reproaching you--only myself, for being so weak. I want to +work. I must work. I have assumed a number of _new_ duties. I thought if +duty came from the outside, I could force myself into the right path. +The very reverse has happened. I'm growing stupid just from wrestling +with myself. I must bring peace into our lives, else we're both lost. +And I can't have peace unless you belong to me _altogether_, unless your +bed is next to my bed, and the desk is in the next room, and you're +always with me." + +"I can move to you in the autumn," Lilly interjected timidly. + +"No, nothing of that sort any more. No self-reproaches, no +secretiveness. Should I have it on my conscience that each additional +day on which you sacrifice yourself, you're drawing nearer to ruin? And +it's bound to ruin you. It will cling to you like dirt. And why should +we create dirt out of what is most sacred to us? Or am I not good enough +to be your life-companion? Do you think you will be too poor as my +wife?" + +She repudiated the idea with a lively exclamation of scorn. + +"I don't know, and I don't need to know, how much you have. I am rich +enough now. I get three hundred marks a month from my uncle; Dr. Salmoni +pays me four hundred--" + +Oh, how she started at the name! + +"And I can easily earn another three hundred by writing articles--in all +a thousand a month, a general's salary. You may be satisfied." + +"Keep quiet," she cried, almost beside herself. "It isn't that." + +"Then what is it?" + +He planted himself in front of her challengingly. Between his brows were +those folds of wrath which cut her like a knife. She ducked her head. +Never since the colonel's time had she experienced such fear of a human +being. + +"Tell me what it is. Apparently you don't love me enough. You still +cling to the man who forgot you long ago. You probably say to yourself: +'The stupid boy is good enough for a passing love; he's good enough for +whiling the time away. But if he shows any intentions of interfering +with my life, I must get rid of him with all possible speed.' Am I not +right? Tell me. Be brave! What harm can I do you? Just tell me that I'm +nothing but a _pis aller_, the sort of man you wouldn't want as a +husband. When I've made a name for myself, then you will be willing to +consider marriage, too. Am I not right?--Well, then." + +He picked up his hat to go. + +"Have pity on me, Konni," she implored. She had glided down from her +seat to lay her head on his knees, and now she crouched between the sofa +and Konrad's chair, and groped for support. + +"I don't need _your_ pity, you don't need _mine_," he cried. "Until +to-day you've been the noblest thing on earth to me. But I won't suffer +myself just to be expunged from your life. Tell me why you don't want to +marry me--_one_ plausible reason, and I'll never return to the subject +again. I promise you." + +"Give me until to-morrow," she groaned. + +"Why? For what? To-day is as good as to-morrow. I've come to the end of +my tether. I can't spend another night of torture." + +"I will write to you." + +That surprised him. + +"What will you write?" + +"Whether I may or not. And the reasons and everything." + +"During the night I'll manage to find some way out," she thought. + +"When will I get the letter?" + +"To-morrow morning by the first delivery." + +"Very well. I will wait until then. Good-by, Lilly." + +When he helped her back on the sofa, and held his hand out in farewell, +and she saw his eyes fastened on her with their candid, magnanimous +expression, which a lie had never clouded--unsuspicious still--she was +suddenly convinced that evasion was no longer possible. + +"Truth! Nothing but the truth. Even if it lead to perdition, Konrad must +now be told the truth." The thought flooded her soul like a warm, +soothing stream. + +But she could not tell him the truth face to face. Nobody would have the +strength of will for that. + +The reaction did not set in until she was left alone. The impulse for +self-preservation asserted itself. If Mrs. Jula could do it, she could, +too. Mrs. Jula had much worse things to conceal. + +Richard, of course, would say nothing; which was the main consideration. +Now that he wished to go his own way, it was to his interest for her to +vanish decorously from his life. The rest of the "crew" might tattle to +their heart's content. Konrad was immune against their poison. The only +dangerous person was Dr. Salmoni. But if she went to him soon and begged +him, he, too, would maintain silence. He had sufficiently strong motives +for hushing his disgraceful attempt upon her. Besides, Mrs. Jula had +said: "You must wear a smile on your brow but beneath the smile your +brow must be of iron." + +Thus Lilly revolved the situation in her mind. + +But in the midst of her brooding and planning she was seized with +disgust of herself and her intentions, which tore the whole tissue of +deceit into ragged bits. + +Why, it was sheer folly to think she would always be able to play the +false part. If upon the mere mention of Dr. Salmoni's name she dreaded +appearing on the street with Konrad, how could she go through a lifetime +at his side haunted by that ever-present fear? What repulses and +humiliations she would have to undergo whenever Konrad led her into the +society in which as his wife she would belong--she, whom the papers had +taken up and treated as a rising star in the fashionable demi-monde? +And, worst of all, if Konrad should begin to suspect! How he would eat +his heart away in shame and abhorrence, he, with his pride and delicate +susceptibilities and that unworldly purity which alone accounted for the +fact that no surmise as to her real life had ever touched his soul. + +What an awaking from a short, torturing dream! + +No, she could not do what Mrs. Jula had done. + +And she threw far from her the shameful thought with which the stress of +the hour had stained her wrestling soul. + +An exultant craving for self-annihilation came over her, the desire to +tear her breast open and throw her throbbing heart at his feet. + +So she sat down and wrote: + + "My dear, sweet Konni:-- + + I have shamefully deceived you. I am a prostitute, or something + not much better. The man to whom I told you I was betrothed is + a myth. He was a little good-for-nothing lieutenant. I wickedly + broke my marriage vows for his sake, and he never thought of + marrying me, but turned me over to his rich friend, who made me + his mistress. His mistress I still am. I have been living for + years in the world of vice and vulgarity. I am an outlaw from + decent society. Hired mistresses and their lovers who pay them + form my sole associates. I clung to you, because you in your + innocence respected me, and because I, down in the mire, + clamoured for respect. + + Now you know why I may not be your wife. If you desire my + kisses, come. I am not fit for anything else. + + Lilly." + +It was nearly eleven o'clock. Adele had gone to bed. It occurred to +Lilly that she would have to go down to mail the letter herself. + +But the storm that had been impending the whole afternoon, was just then +giving full vent to its fury. The rain was coming down in sheets, and +gusts of wind blew through the open window across Lilly's desk. + +Once a shower of drops spattered the paper, at which she was staring +with hot, dry eyes. It looked as if tears had fallen upon it while she +was writing. + +"Very good," she thought. + +Then she felt ashamed. The time for farce was ended. But when she +started to rewrite the letter, she stopped short with a shudder. + +What did those monstrous self-accusations signify? Were they the truth? + +Perhaps so in the mouth of a backbiting woman who needs facts about her +friend in order to twist them into a crime, or in the mouth of one of +those social hangmen who hold a halter in readiness for everybody's +past. + +For herself, who knew how everything had come about, how from inner need +and outer compulsion, from trustfulness and defencelessness, link after +link of the chain had been forged which now clanked about her body, a +burden of sin--for her there was another, a milder truth, which must win +pardon and atonement for her in the eyes of every person who understood. + +She tore up the sheet, and began anew. She draughted a sketch, and +polished it until it thoroughly satisfied her. + + "My dearly beloved friend:-- + + She who writes this letter to you is a most unhappy woman, whom + you know only slightly, and who had to deceive you until + to-day, because what is most sacred to her, her love of you, + was at stake. + + And now, with these lines, I am losing that love. I am + sacrificing it to your happiness, to the divine fire which + sanctified my life. + + The world has treated me badly. It robbed me of my belief in + man, my ideals, my will power; and so deprived me of the right + to go through life at your side. + + I began my course full of confidence and hope, pure to the core + of my being. Each man who stepped into my existence broke off a + piece of my virtue. + + I raised my eyes in devotion to my aging husband, who promised + to be my hero, master, model, and idol. He converted me into a + tool of base desires. + + Another man came, who was young like myself and had been left + without ties like myself, and whom I wished to save while I + sought refuge with him. He took me and tasted me. I was a + fascinating adventure to him, and in the course of his + adventure he went to perdition. + + He wrote a treacherous letter to a friend placing me in his + care. That friend exploited my spiritual and physical needs for + his own advantage, and by a shameful trick made me so dependent + upon him that for a long time I lived as his creature while + thinking myself free and untouched. Helpless and broken as I + was I became his entirely, nor ventured even to feel angry at + him, I was so slavishly in his power--until now. + + So my destiny was fulfilled. I tried desperately to struggle + out of the dull night in which my spirit was enveloped, but + nowhere was there a path leading up to the light. With ardour I + seized each hand held out to help me, but each thrust me still + lower, until my whole being sank into a torpid state of + discouragement. + + Then you came, my beloved, my saviour, my redeemer! It grew + light about me, the world blossomed forth again, the drained + sources began to flow afresh, the Song of Songs resounded. + + And with pride and rapture I realised that nothing shameful had + taken firm root in my character, that the times of ignominy had + passed over my head without destroying my inner worth, my + desire for purity, my instinct for a great, noble humanity. + These had been merely dormant, and you, beloved, awakened them + to activity. + + Even if I may not be your wife--your wife should be free of + stain--I want to be worthy of you, whether by your side or at a + distance--wherever you tell me to go. + + Long ago I decided to shake off my chains, which, in fact, have + been merely external, and with unencumbered limbs climb up to a + new life in harmony with the demands of my genuine self. You + have pointed the way, and in gratitude I kiss your dear, + tender, industrious hands. + + Farewell, beloved! If you would chastise me, never come again. + If you will and can put up with the love of one who loves you + as no other woman on earth will love you, then do not turn me + adrift. I have nothing to give you but what I am, though that + belongs to you unto death. + + Lilly." + +She read and reread the letter, and read herself into a state of +enthusiasm over it. + +Now the truth wore quite a different aspect. + +Then suddenly the question arose in her mind: + +"_Is_ it the truth?" + +Had she not luxuriated in choice words? Had she not smuggled in +high-flown emotions foreign to her nature? Phrases like "dull night in +which my spirit was enveloped" and "tried desperately to struggle" +belonged in sentimental novels. They were inapplicable to her life. She +had suffered not so much from despair as from boredom and during that +"dull night" she had enjoyed herself greatly on many an occasion. +Richard, the good fellow to judge by her insinuations, was a rank +despot, and she herself a sorry, subjugated victim, whereas in reality +she had been able to do or leave undone whatever her caprice dictated. + +It _was_ the truth, and yet it was not. Just as much and as little as in +the first, dreadful letter. Each was correct enough in its way, and many +another might have been written equally correct; but the truth, the +genuine truth, which penetrated and illumined the whole, would appear in +none. That truth she herself did not know, nor did anybody else. That +truth vanished with the moment in which an event occurred, and no +earthly power could summon it back. All that her words reflected were +distorted images varying as her mood varied and as her pen travelled +over the paper. + +"But I don't want to lie," she cried to herself. "I want to be true +to-day." + +So she tore up the second letter also. + +What now? Should she write a third letter? + +It was long past midnight. Her eyes burned. Her temples throbbed with +over-excitement, and Konrad was to hear from her by the first mail in +the morning. She had promised him. + +At this point the full force of what had happened suddenly struck her. +She realised that in the last four hours she had been face to face with +the danger of losing him at once and forever. + +She was beset with an anguish of fear that threatened to rob her of her +senses. She cried his name aloud, ran about the apartment, reeled, +knocked against the walls, and wanted to throw herself from the window. + +She must go to him forthwith. That was the one idea she was capable of +grasping. She would have the porter open the front door; she would wake +Konrad up, force her way into his room and stay with him that night and +forever. No matter what the consequences! It was all the same. Only to +rid herself of that dread which burned her body like a living flame. + +The storm had subsided, but the rain was falling in a steady downpour. +Lilly scarcely took the time to put on a cloak. + +In low shoes, without hat or umbrella, she dashed out on the street and +splashed through the puddles. + +Light was shining from the two third-storey windows. + +She clapped her hands and cried: + +"Konni, Konni, Konni!" + +Again and again. + +But the windows were closed. He did not hear her. + +She saw his figure glide back and forth like a shadow, from one end of +the room to the other, to and fro, to and fro, ceaselessly. + +And all the time the rain beat down on her, soaking through her clothes, +while the cold wet of the pavement crawled up her legs. + +"Konni, Konni," she called louder. + +Passersby offered her their umbrellas; others taunted her, and cried, +"Konni, Konni." + +At last the shadow halted. One of the windows went up. + +"Lilly--you?" his voice called, hoarse with fright. + +"At last--do come, my sweet Konni," a tipsy man, who had persistently +held his umbrella over her, answered in her place. + +"For God's sake!" + +The light disappeared from the windows, and a few moments later Konrad +appeared in the doorway with the front-door key and his lamp in his +hand. + +The tipsy gentleman said good-by, bowing and scraping. + +"Lilly--what has happened? What are you doing here?" + +She pressed against the doorpost trembling. She was unable to speak. + +"I am with him," was her one thought. "So all's well." + +He passed his hand over her clothes. + +"Why, you're dripping wet. You're in house slippers. For God's sake, +Lilly!" + +She wanted to say something, but was ashamed to let him see how her +teeth were chattering. + +"And I can't even take you to my room. You know why. But I must. If I +were to let you go back home again in the state you're in, you might +catch your death of cold. We will be very careful--just as we were that +time. We can't speak above a whisper. The girl's not out of danger yet. +Give me your hand. Come on." + +With half-closed eyes she let herself be led up the stairs. Her wet +dress flapped against the balusters. She felt she would have to crouch +down on one of the steps and lie there until the porter came to sweep +the dust and dirt away. But each step only took her nearer to the fate +awaiting her up there in the third storey. + +Then with bent head she crept along the corridor into his room, where +the imprisoned sultriness of the summer day suffocated her. + +Konrad pressed her into his desk chair. He drew off the soggy velvet +rags from her feet, and brought her dry stockings; and after peeling her +wet dress from her body he wrapped her in his great coat and blankets. + +She sat there accepting his service without a will of her own. She +wanted to taste the delicious sensation of his loving care of her until +the last moment. + +She had not said a word. + +When she had attempted to thank him, he pointed to the door leading to +the next room. + +"Speak very low," he said, his mouth close to her ear. "The poor thing, +it seems, is having a good night for the first time." + +Languid pity awoke in Lilly. + +But she had to talk. + +"What's the matter with her? Tell me," she breathed. + +He hesitated. + +"My landlady swore me to silence. But you're mine now. You will keep the +secret. Her daughter, her one child, ran away four months ago and gave +birth to a baby. The mother went to fetch her back home. She's been +hovering between life and death for six weeks. She's at last getting +better." + +"Poor thing," said Lilly. And then the consciousness of her own misery +came upon her with redoubled force. + +"Konni, Konni," she moaned on his neck. "Now it's all over. I was +willing to starve with you, go begging with you. But what's the use? +When once you know everything--" + +"That can't be so very bad, darling." + +"About me. About my life--my past." + +With a little jerk he freed himself and sat down opposite her. + +The look of questioning and terrified presentiment that congealed his +pale face, seeming to turn it into a mask, filled her with fright, such +fright as she had never experienced, because it was not on her own +behalf; she was afraid of converting her own pain into his pain. + +"I wanted to write it to you--just the way it was, but I couldn't. It +turned out wrong while I wrote. So I came to you before morning. If you +want, I will tell you now--everything--" + +She could not continue. She turned her face aside and buried it on the +desk. + +"Why don't you speak?" + +Konrad had quite forgotten the need for quiet, and both of them shrank +at the sudden sound of his voice. "She's probably asleep," he said +lowering his voice again. "Now tell me! What can it be?" + +He breathed heavily under the growing oppression of his soul. + +She began to speak. In a whisper, her upper body inclined toward him, +she tried to tell him the things for which she had not been able to find +words in her own home. + +The truth did not come out this time either. She felt it. + +Less, much less of it, than her letters would have given him. To +distress him with every detail--never! No power in the world could have +driven her to that. + +Her life became a long list of martyrdoms--a funeral procession draped +in black--insults, humiliations, mortifications--an imprisonment without +a ray of light or mercy--and all the time a constant struggle for +deliverance--a noble withdrawal into herself--a dismal sacrifice for +nothing. + +She talked and talked. + +He listened, with wide-open eyes. But when she uttered the name she had +no right to omit, "Dr. Salmoni," he started and shrank back. + +Both of them had completely forgotten the sick girl in the next room. + +Sometimes Lilly had to wipe tears away, sometimes she grew indignant; +now she ventured to glide by difficult points, now she lingered over +touching self-reproaches. + +"It _is_ the truth after all," she said to herself defiantly, yet in +fear, as she drew near the end of her narrative. + +It was the truth in so far as it was a resume of the good in her, the +truth as it might take shape in his troubled mind, regardless of +fact--and this truth, too, had its rights. + +Silence ensued. + +Her guilty look glided past him and rested on the photograph on the +desk, which leered at her with its crafty, worldly eyes, as if to say: + +"My child, I know you much better than you do yourself." + +Something familiar and confidential lay in them, like a reflection of +the merry world which a moment ago had seemed to her the abode of +torture. + +She did not venture to remove her gaze from those omniscient eyes, which +smilingly examined and disrobed her, and killed her last shy hope. + +The unbroken silence in the room became a burden. + +Suddenly Konrad and Lilly heard a low moan. It came from the next room, +where the sick girl lay, who, because of her secret sin, had been +wrestling with her poor life for weeks. The next instant the sound was +partially stifled, as if she had stuck a handkerchief into her mouth. +Then it broke out again all the more violently. Anxious words of comfort +mingled with the groans. They came from the mother, who probably slept +in the farther room, and had come in to find out the cause of her +daughter's outburst of grief. + +Konrad's and Lilly's eyes met. + +"She heard everything," their look said. + +For a brief instant the stranger's unhappiness caused them to forget +their own. The great flood of the world's suffering poured over them +easing the sting of guilt and drowning their personal pain. + +The sobbing in the next room was muffled under pillows. + +"My own darling," the comforting voice implored, and each tone swelled +with love. "Don't worry. It isn't so bad. We will take the little baby. +Even if he doesn't marry you, what difference does it make? Think of it, +we have the baby! And then it will smile at you and say mama. You see, +it isn't so dreadful." + +The sobbing quieted down, and turned into a heavy breathing, the first +earnest of peace. + +"Oh," thought Lilly, "it must be good to have someone say: 'It's not so +dreadful.'" + +Nobody would say that to her. + +A burning desire to be petted and comforted, like the young sinner next +door, arose in her. + +"She has her mother," she groaned, bursting into tears, "but whom have +I?" + +Konrad leaned over and took her hands from her face. His troubled eyes +shone with such infinite loving kindness that they seemed not to be of +this world. + +"Am I not here?" he asked. + +"What can you do for me?" she complained. "How can you bear me?" + +There were no sounds from the other room any more. + +Now the mother also knew that Konrad had a visitor at that late hour. + +"Listen," he whispered, his mouth close to her ear again. "We mustn't +talk much more. Besides, my head's in a whirl. But there's one thing I +see clearly: how ridiculous everything called guilt is when two people +love each other, and when one has suffered like you. You have always +been a saint to me, and you shall--continue to be in the future." + +"Future," Lilly faltered, starting up anxiously, "what sort of a +future?" + +He wiped his forehead, yellow and dank with sweat. + +"I don't know," he said. "All I know is I can't live without you." + +She closed her eyes. She wanted to dream longer. + +"To be sure, it cannot be what we wanted." She noticed the hesitating, +dragging gait of his speech. "Everything, of course--will have to be +different." + +"Your life must not be different--it ought not to be different." + +"You can't blink facts, darling. Of course, I don't know _where_ we will +live. But we'll manage to find some spot on the globe where nobody knows +us." + +Now she understood. + +And forgetting herself and the sick girl and everything around she sank +down at his feet with a cry and sobbed: + +"I don't want you to--you mustn't. You're entirely too young. You don't +know the world. You don't know what you're doing. I don't want the +sacrifice. I don't want to ruin you. I love you too much for that." + +He bent her head back and stroked her hair from her forehead. + +If only his eyes had not shone with that suffering loving kindness. + +The unhappiness of a lifetime already glowed in them. + +"If the question of sacrifice enters," he said, "then _I_ must ask a +sacrifice of _you_. Will you make it for my sake?" + +"Everything, everything! Shall I die? Tell me." + +"I want only one thing of you. Come to me as you are. Don't bring a +single possession of yours with you. Never return, not once, to your--to +that apartment. From this moment on nothing of all that is to be. Will +you promise me?" + +Lilly battled against violent alarm. + +Not to return home! Never to see her dear drawing-room again; never to +feed the little canary or Peter--never! + +An ugly feeling, that such a sacrifice was rank folly, came and went +again, as if a daub of dirt had been flung upon her, and immediately +been wiped away. Then she decided hastily, and replied: + +"Yes, I promise." + +He drew a deep breath. + +"Now we will be perfectly quiet," he said. "The patient ought to sleep, +and to-morrow morning I'll explain the matter to my landlady." + +"But what is to become of your great work?" Lilly asked, self-reproach +rising up in her again. + +A melancholy smile passed over his face. + +"Who knows? That will depend upon my uncle. If he gives his consent, we +can live as we please. Everything will be all right." + +"But if he doesn't?" + +Konrad's right hand, which had been gliding ceaselessly from her +forehead to the nape of her neck, for an instant pressed her head +painfully as if to fetch strength for the approaching life struggle from +closer contact. + +"That will be all right, too," he said and smiled again. + +A little while later she lay at his side in the narrow bed, the edge of +which cut her body. She put her head under his shoulder, and with both +arms clasped his body, as always in her distress when she sought +protection with him. + + +But this time she slept, and he kept watch. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + +Mrs. Laue was not a little astonished when one day her former tenant, +the _grande dame_, appeared at her door in an ill-fitting alpaca suit +and a sailor hat, trimmed with a green band, begging for admittance. + +The young lady tenant of the year had just been married, and the best +room was vacant. + +Thus, it came about that Mrs. Laue's red plush furniture once more cast +a fiery glow upon Lilly's life. + +The photographs of famous mimes smirked upon her patronisingly. And +while performing her morning toilet, she was admonished: + + To keep your body clean, be sure + To have your conscience just as pure. + +The way Konrad looked out for her was touching. He instantly drew all +his money from the bank, five hundred marks, and himself went to buy an +outfit for her, since she could not appear on the street in the garments +she had worn when she had come to him. + +He had let the salesladies persuade him into buying the absurdest +things. Lilly would have split her sides laughing over them, if they had +not represented a goodly portion of his money. + +The shoddy dress struck her as a temporary masquerade; and nothing in +the world would have induced her to wear it outside the house. + +Mrs. Laue shook her head dubiously. + +"When you moved away from here four years ago, you had the finest gowns +and brooches and bracelets and all sorts of things; and now you come +back in rags. It seems to me you're on the wrong road, Lilly dear." + +Konrad found as little favour in Mrs. Laue's eyes. + +"He's too young for you, and not stylish enough. Maybe he has ideal +sentiments--if he hadn't he would snap his fingers at you. But I tell +you, ideal sentiments always go hand in hand with trouble." + +Lilly thought the old woman's chatter abominable. But for lack of +something better to do during the daytime--Konrad was busy and could not +come until evening--she again took to pasting flowers in Mrs. Laue's +company. Occasionally it seemed to her she had never gone away from her. + +Lilly had written to Adele the very first day, without, of course, +mentioning her address. She told her not to be troubled by her absence, +and to attend to the apartment as usual until Mr. Dehnicke's return. + +It was more difficult to pen her farewell to her old friend. She said +nothing of Konrad. For the present her engagement was to be kept a +secret. She gave as the sole cause for her flight her irresistible +desire at last to live a different life. She also referred to her wish +not to stand in the way of his future, and wound up with cordial words, +which robbed separation of its bitterness. + +When she read the letter over, she felt a genuine pang, at which she was +a bit ashamed. + +The days passed. + +The new life that had been the dream of her dreams for years had begun, +freighted with boundless confidence, such as she had not ventured to +hope for in her wildest fancyings. + +With her sins washed away, redeemed, reborn, she stepped back into +virtuous society at the side of the beloved man, whom only a few days +before, it would have been arrogance, sacrilege to wish to possess. + +Who would have believed it? + +And yet Lilly was unable to attain to perfect enjoyment of her +unspeakable happiness. + +No matter how often she told herself it was nothing but a transition +period, soon to pass, the misery of her old quarters, the poor-peoples' +odour, the spiritual mustiness that pervaded the place, bad food, the +lack of suitable clothes, money and service, all this worked upon her +sufficiently to delude her into the belief that instead of rising to new +honours, she was suddenly sinking from splendour and brilliance to a +dull, dead level. + +No matter that she found fault with herself for this ungrateful frame of +mind, the fact was, the feeling was there, and she could not dismiss it. + +And how account for it that five years before when she had descended +from the genuine heights of life, delicately nurtured, a spoiled +darling, accustomed to luxury and attention, such as is granted to few +persons in the world, she had scarcely suffered from the wretchedness of +these surroundings? In fact, though utterly without prospects, she had +felt tolerably secure. But now that the idle comfort of a vapid +existence fortunately lay behind her, and her beloved walked by her side +ready to throw open the gates to a happiness she had never divined, she +was unable to breathe among the red plush chairs. Trifles annoyed her, +and she hankered for a bathroom and a hairdresser. + +Something must have departed from her during those years. She thought +and thought, but failed to discover what it was. + +Added to all these troubles was her worry over Konrad's condition. + +Whenever her soul conjured up his image, her heart throbbed with mingled +sensations--secret pangs of conscience, longings for atonement, +reproaches, not to be stilled, of herself and--why conceal it?--of +Konrad also. + +Her yearning for him no longer had a quality of joyousness; and yet, she +was ever expectant of a letter from him by the pneumatic tube. + +If he wrote, he said too little; and if he sent no message at all she +felt angry, though she well knew he had not a second to spare for her +during the day, and was drudging as never before in his life. + +He would come at last between eight and nine in the evening; and then +loaded with papers and books. He had manuscripts to read, proofs to look +over, and letters to answer. He scarcely took time to eat, and while he +snatched a few bites, troubled recollections of things he had forgotten +during the day kept flashing up in his harassed brain. + +There was no thought of amorous nights. As a rule Konrad fell asleep in +the midst of work. + +As he reclined there in the corner of the sofa, Lilly could appreciate +how tired and worn he was. He no longer cared for his person. His +clothes hung on him impressed, and in place of the velvety sheen on his +cheeks, which had been her delight, she saw dark boils and coarse +stubble. + +She would have given a great deal to learn what he thought of her in the +depths of his soul. But she could extract nothing from him. He remained +mute, with glowing eyes, and lips tightly compressed. + +Certainly she had no right to doubt him. She knew that he spent every +spare minute trying to arrange for their life in the future. + +In Buenos Ayres the position of a high school teacher of German was +vacant; the same in Caracas; and he could even become a university +professor, though of course on the other side of the Atlantic. All he +needed to do was present a few letters of recommendation from well-known +professors. + +Such efforts, however, were necessary only in case his uncle refused his +consent to Konrad's marriage with Lilly, and dropped his disobedient +heir. + +If he said yes, if he furnished the means for their household, they +could live aloof from the world wherever they wished, wherever +conditions were best adapted for the precious work. + +Konrad had immediately written to his uncle about his engagement, and +told of Lilly's past in the most touching words. He had not concealed +the stains on her life, but he brought out strongly her fine qualities, +the virginity of her soul, her nobility, her rich intellectual +endowments, the number of her ideal interests. + +After he had sent off the letter, he read to Lilly a few passages from +the draught of it. It was a bold document of revolutionary ideas. + +"I know that _I_ and you, too, are raised above the narrow conventions +of philistinism, above the merciless judgments of social court-martials, +above a Pharisaism which constitutes itself the watchdog of morality, +and which with its code of formal, pedantic family relationships knocks +to the ground all aspirations for free, high-minded conduct. You have +lived in many parts of the world, and you have learned to know how +mutable moral laws are everywhere, how hollow the pretence of regarding +each as the sole God-ordained dogma, you know the sly, hypocritical +paths and by-ways by which one manages to escape their tyranny, and you +know that in the province of ethics there is only one thing which +commands respect and admiration: the will to _kallokagathia_, to that +form of life in which the noblemen of all times combined the beautiful +with the good. Yes, beautiful and good. That is what Lilly is, her +aspirations, and sufferings." + +How glorious! + +Who could be dull enough to resist such words? + +That is what Lilly said to comfort Konrad when uncertainty as to the +immediate future weighed upon him heavily. + +Five days passed before the answer came upon which depended the weal or +woe of two human beings. + +In reading it, Lilly saw the crafty eyes of the photograph turned upon +her as if the old man stood there in person. + + "My dear boy:-- + + I don't understand anything about _kallokagathia_ or similar + phrases. It's nearly half a century ago, since I ran away from + school. But I flatter myself that I can measure things pretty + accurately with my eyes, and size people up by their faces, + whether striking a bargain or on the Yoshiwara, whether on the + various exchanges or at baccarat. Which did not keep me from + being fleeced, or my life from being a series of stupidities, + especially in regard to women. Once I wanted, whether or no, to + bring along a young Circassian, because her eyebrows met + prettily; and once I wanted to marry a little Musme because she + massaged my legs so well, etc. I won't say anything of my + various attempts to save souls, because everybody goes through + that. + + However, the god of old rogues and bachelors--perhaps with your + classical knowledge you can tell me his name--mercifully kept + any of my plans from maturing. + + But your case seems to be essentially different. If it's really + as you say, if your betrothed is really such a paragon of + virtues--the world is full of surprises--and, chief of all, if + she does not pose as a repentant Magdalene and bank upon your + pity, it will be a pleasure to me to tweak Mr. Respectability's + nose and give you my cordial blessing. + + But if your intentions bear a certain family resemblance to my + own in the past, then pardon me if I refuse to shoulder the + responsibility for what you are pleased to call your "future," + even with this in view, and if I feel compelled to beg you + kindly to break off your connections with me. + + In order to settle the matter to the best of my ability, I will + be in Berlin day after to-morrow; and I herewith ask you and + your betrothed to keep the evening free for your old uncle. As + I do not know where you metropolitans dine and drink, I will + have to let you know the place of our meeting after I reach + Berlin. + + Until then, + + Yours faithfully, + Uncle Rennschmidt." + +For the first time in that gloomy period Lilly saw Konrad's face relax +with a smile of relief. + +"If that's his attitude, then there's no danger," he said. "He will have +to drop his distrust at the very first glance. Who in the world can +withstand you? You just have to be a little pleasant to him, and he'll +be your adorer." + +But Lilly had her private opinion. + +Yes, if she had her former wardrobe to choose from, perhaps she might +be sure of presenting the appearance she should to his uncle. But in +either one of her two ridiculous shop-girl dresses, which she had to pin +painstakingly before she could wear them, without jewellery, or the +thousand little appurtenances of a fine toilet, from where, in such +circumstances, was she to summon the self-confidence that would force +the shrewd old woman connoisseur to capitulate? + +"I'm afraid I'll have to have some of your money for getting an evening +costume," she said hesitatingly. + +He acquiesced with pleasure. She was to have whatever she still needed, +and a hat with plumes and a lace mantilla, just like the one she had +had. + +All this for two hundred and sixty marks. + +This, the entire sum he had left, was what he handed over to her for her +new purchases. + +The dear boy, what sort of an idea did he have of fashionable dressing? + +After he left she carefully considered ways and means. + +While she wore herself out devising methods of patching up some sort of +costume, the most glorious dresses hung by the dozens in her old +closets, dresses which Konrad had not seen, because he had never gone to +any festive gathering with her. The lace mantilla which had cost a small +fortune was also there, and goodness knows what else! + +But with all her might she cast the temptation from her. She had given +him her word of honour. + +She might deceive everybody else in the world, but not Konrad. + +So she decided to go on a shopping expedition the next morning and see +whether she could not ferret out a good garment at Gerson's or +Wertheim's in the reduced stock. + +But she was known in the shops, and the salespeople had had the +experience that despite her economy she always bought nothing but the +very best. How they would stare if she appeared at the counter in her +tawdry trash. + +No, with the best intentions she could not place herself in so +distressing a situation. + +She pondered a long time, but her thoughts kept returning to those +wardrobes where her exquisite treasures reposed, and silently offered a +wide choice. + +But nowhere a little back door to slip through; nowhere a pretext for +lessening the gravity of the offence. + +Despite all these vexations, the night passed in caressing dreams, +lighted by newly arisen hope. + +And as always when Lilly's frame of mind in sleep was healthy, she felt +she was being peacefully rocked to the rhythm of familiar melodies. She +recognised the "Moonlight Sonata," and Grieg's "Ung Birken," and the +motifs of the Rhine Daughters, and mingling with them all the Song of +Songs. + +As she was coming out of her sleep in the morning, she still heard: +"Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field." + +Suddenly with an exclamation of fright she sat up in bed. + +The Song of Songs--the score--her treasure--her legacy--where was it? In +the drawing-room secretaire--buried, forgotten. + +Not to have thought of it once! + +Now there was no possibility of abiding by her promise. If she had kept +her wits about her that momentous night, she would never have given it. + +She had been at a loss for a pretext, and here she had a justification. + +She did not experience the slightest pangs of conscience. It was a +sacred cause that she was upholding. + +By eight o'clock she was already on her way to her former home. + +The sunny haze of the red August morning floated up to the +violet-coloured heavens; sooty drops fell from the yellowing trees, and +the wires of the electric trams sang their stormy song. + +Lilly joined the group of people at the nearest stopping place, which +from minute to minute waxed and dwindled. While waiting for a car to +convey her to the distant west side, she looked about in all directions +to see whether by chance Konrad was coming down the street. + +In the car she sat with a newspaper held close to her face, and on the +short path along the canal she slipped from tree to tree like a wild +animal seeking cover. + +At last she reached her house. + +The porter, who was sweeping the front, greeted her with a shout of +surprise. The green-grocer smiled a mischievous greeting up to her from +his cellar door, and his two urchins, in whose mind Lilly was connected +with sweets, hung to her skirt with happy little noises. + +All this instantly produced a sensation of returning home. + +Adele was still asleep. Why should she not be? She had nothing to do. + +When she opened the door, she showed the greatest delight. She even wept +great tears, and Lilly suddenly realised what she was losing in her. + +Everything shone spick and span in the morning sunlight. Even the +flowers had been kept watered. + +The canary beat his wings by way of greeting, and Peter wanted to break +the bars of his cage to reach Lilly's shoulder. + +She did not know to whom or to what to turn first from sheer love, nor +what question to ask first. + +Three letters and two telegrams lay on the card tray. + +The letters were in Richard's writing. The telegrams were directed to +Adele and urgently inquired for Lilly's address. + +But after sending these missives, Mr. Dehnicke, Adele informed her, had +given up his affairs in Harzburg and returned to Berlin. He had inserted +advertisements for her in the papers, and came every day at the usual +hour to find out if they had met with success. Then he sat on his +customary seat, very quiet, drinking tea and smoking cigarettes until +the time for returning to his office. + +"Did you tell him about Dr. Rennschmidt?" + +"What do you think of me, Mrs. Czepanek? Do you suppose I don't know how +to look out for my mistress's honour? But the best thing would be if you +were to come back and behave as if nothing had happened. That's what all +my ladies used to do." + +Lilly asked her to fetch from the basement the smaller of the two +leather trunks, explaining that she wished to take a few of her old +possessions with her. + +After Adele had swung herself out of the room sulking, Lilly gathered up +Konrad's letters from the secret drawer in which she had hidden them, +and then ran hastily to her large wardrobe, from which she pulled out +all her dresses and threw them on the bed in order to select whatever +might be of use to her. + +At last the Song of Songs occurred to her. + +She opened the secretaire. + +The score, which had dreamed away its aimless existence for years in +the back part of the lowest drawer, had acquired a strange aspect. + +The rubber band about it was sticky, and fell to bits when Lilly wanted +to undo the roll. + +The sheets glided from her hand and flew over the carpet one by one. + +There they all lay--the arias and recitatives, the duos and orchestral +interludes--mingled and confused, and on top the turtle dove solo for +the clarionet, which she had sung with her mother while still a lisping +babe. + +She looked at the scattered leaves in dismay. + +They had turned yellow and mouldy. Many of them were plastered with +blood, her own blood, which had squirted from the knife wound her mother +had inflicted, and covered large spots with black and reddish brown +stains. Some of the stains had been eaten into holes, the work of the +mice at Lischnitz. + +So there it was--her Song of Songs. + +Nevermore any hope. No rock of salvation for the future--no faithful +Eckhardt in life's stress, and no guide to golden heights! A mere +weather-beaten remnant, worn, though unused, honourable ballast which +one drags along for unknown reasons--a light extinguished, a piece of +wisdom without sense. + +Shrugging her shoulders, she kneeled on the floor, and gathered up the +thin rolls hastily, without regard for their order. + +"I can arrange them some other time," she thought, though a faint doubt +arose within her whether she ever would. + +Adele came with the trunk. It had taken her an extraordinary length of +time. She replied to Lilly's questions in a confused way, and glanced at +the clock furtively. + +She opened the trunk lid, and Lilly threw the score on the bottom. + +The empty open trunk was like a mouth gaping for fodder. The clothes lay +spread on the bed. Her shoes stood next to the washstand. Hats, veils, +blouses, lace mantillas, silk petticoats--all waited and seemed to cry: + +"Take me along." + +For an instant Lilly closed her eyes and groaned, remembering the +sacrifice, the only one, he demanded of her. + +But it had to be. + +Both his and her future depended on it. + +"Mrs. Laue will hide them for me, and she can keep them afterwards," she +thought. + +She made her decision. Blindly she gathered up whatever her hands fell +upon--in addition to her dresses the ivory toilet articles with the +seven pointed coronet, the triple hand mirror, the powder box, the +receipt for her furs in the storage house, and numberless little _objets +de luxe_. + +She did not forget her jewellery either. + +"In case _he_ needs some money," she thought. + +She sent Adele to order a cab. This time again it was an eternity before +she returned. + +The porter helped carry the trunk down, and two hat boxes dangled in +Adele's free hand. + +One more caress of the canary's greyish green wings, one more kiss on +the monkey's velvety snout, then the door closed behind her forever. + +"Won't you leave an address?" + +What a secretive air Adele wore! + +"I will write to you, Adele, and sometime, I hope, you will come to me +again." + +Adele did not respond, but looked down the street expectantly. + +A minute later Lilly, glancing from the hansom window as she was being +driven along the canal, saw a taxicab whizz past from the opposite +direction. In that second she recognised Richard seated inside. + +Red as a lobster, his head inclined to one side, he stared ahead of him +with wild, searching eyes at the house she had just left. + +She hastily told the coachman to turn down a side street. She must not +meet Richard until her fate had been decided before the world. + +But in a few moments, her heart throbbing, she heard behind her the +rattle and clatter that had just died down in the distance. It grew +louder and louder. + +The yellow wall of the taxicab shot by, turned about suddenly, and +stopped. A man's voice called to Lilly's driver, and her cab was also +brought to a stop. + +Richard was standing close to her, holding the open door in his +trembling hand. + +"Where are you going?" + +His voice shrilled in a feminine falsetto. His Adam's apple rose and +fell convulsively over his high collar. + +Lilly felt quite calm, quite equal to the situation. + +He who had so long been her lord and master now seemed like a poor, +helpless shadow. + +"If you please, Richard, let me ride on," she said. "I took leave of you +in my letter. I just came to fetch a few of my things, and now all's +over between us. Why should we go on tormenting each other?" + +"Come back!" he hissed. + +"Why should I?" + +"Come back, I say! You know where your home is. I won't let you stray +about in the world any more. Heaven knows what may happen to you. +Driver, turn back." + +The coachman turned his russet face inquiringly to the lady in the +hansom. + +"I beg your pardon, Richard. I have the sole say as to this cab--and as +to my future life, too. Just as you have had over your own." + +"Stuff and nonsense! I suppose you're alluding to the American heiress. +She can go to the devil for all I care. That's the way I've felt for +some time. But you--_must--come--back. You--must--come--back. +You--must--you--must_." + +He grasped the hem of her skirt with both hands, as if to drag her from +the carriage by her clothes. + +"I beg you to come back--I can't sleep--I can't work--I'm so used to +you. If I had married, I should have come to you directly after the +wedding. Our relationship wouldn't have changed an iota. And everything +in your apartment is just as you left it. You saw it. Adele says Peter +won't eat, and Adele herself is worried. She says she simply can't do +without you. I'll give you a life-long annuity of twenty--by God! thirty +thousand marks a year. What's the difference? Mother hasn't anything +against it. She sees how I take it. She knows I won't ever marry after +all. She'll never do anything to you again. You can come to the office, +too. You can use our carriage instead of the hired one. I'll have a +telephone put up between your apartment and the stable. And if you want +I'll buy an automobile a thousand times finer than this one." + +That was the highest trump. No one could outbid an automobile. So he +stopped to see the effect. Kneeling on the steps he leaned far into the +hansom and stared into her face. + +Lilly realised she could not free herself from him, unless he learned +the truth. + +She felt very sorry for him, but it had to be. + +"Listen, Richard! What you offer doesn't count with me anymore. Because +I love another man--who wants to give me much more than you." + +"What! I'd like to know what sort of a young Vanderbilt he is!" he cried +in jealous scorn. "Why, I never knew _that_ side of your nature." + +"He's not a young Vanderbilt, Richard. On the contrary, he's so poor he +doesn't know where he'll get his bread from day to day. But I am engaged +to him, and as his affianced I will have to ask you to stand out of my +way." + +His mouth gaped. His eyes grew large and round. He reeled back against +the hindwheels of the taxicab. + +"Go on!" Lilly cried to the coachman. + +She leaned back in her seat, drawing a deep breath of relief, though +with a faint consciousness of guilt, as if she had rid herself of her +old lover too lightly. + +Throughout the ride she heard back of her the chug-chug of a slow-moving +automobile; and when she descended from her hansom, Richard descended +from the taxicab, at a slight distance, though near enough for Lilly to +catch the look in his eyes. + +It was the look of a whipped dog. + +As if someone were pursuing her, she ran up the four flights without +concerning herself about the trunk. But a little while later the driver +came panting up the stairs with it, apparently of his own accord. + +When she held out the money to him, he refused it. + +The gentleman downstairs, he said, had already paid for everything. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + +It was the evening of the following day. + +The carriage that was taking Lilly to the dreaded meeting stopped in +front of the renowned Linden restaurant which has been the resort of +elegant folk for years. + +Although it was some time since Lilly had been there, she knew every +stone of it. + +She knew Albert, too, the tall, dignified porter, who stood in the +doorway, and put his hand to his braided cap. It was he who had acted as +the go-between for her and the handsome hussar of the guards. + +With downcast eyes, pressing close to Konrad, she passed by him, hoping +he no longer remembered her. + +"This is Lilly, uncle." + +An old bow-legged gentleman, slightly under medium size in an +ill-fitting jacket and crumpled collar, came shambling out of a back +room, and held out a broad, fleshy hand, the brown skin of which played +loosely over his bones like a large glove. + +Lilly threw a timid glance of scrutiny at the all-powerful person, whom +she had pictured to herself as a commanding yet complaisant thunderer. +In reality he was a tottering, rotund, somewhat common-looking gnome. + +When she told herself that her conduct now and during the next hour +would decide Konrad's and her own future, the old miserable timidity, +which had not troubled her for some time past, began to paralyse her +muscles and turned her into a doll, which smiled inanely and could not +tell its own name. + +But the old uncle also seemed to have lost his power of speech. + +He looked her up and down repeatedly and well-nigh forgot to invite her +to enter the back room. + +As with everything else about the place Lilly was familiar with this +back room, its pressed leather walls, its red silk hangings, and the +blue oriental rugs over the high-armed sofa. + +In the period when Richard was still possessed of the ambition to belong +to the aristocracy of high livers, she had spent many a mad hour there +late at night with him and his chance friends. + +An immaculate waiter helped her off with her brocade jacket and lace +mantilla, and looked at her the while as if to say: + +"I ought to know you." + +Oh, that was a moment of agony. + +The uncle, who had not ceased furtively to cast awed yet sullen glances +at Lilly, pulled himself together and said: + +"Well, let's have a cosy time together, children. Nice and pleasant, +eh?" + +Lilly inclined her head. + +Her gesture was stiff enough apparently to increase the bow-legged old +gentleman's respect. He seemed to be at a loss, and tramped about the +room, played with the gold knobs which hung as a charm from his watch +pocket, and two or three times nodded his solemn appreciation to Konrad. + +They seated themselves at the gleaming white table, resplendent with +flowers and cut glass. + +About the bronze lamp--Lilly remembered it with its claws and slim lily +design--hung a veil of violet orchids, which had surely cost an enormous +sum. + +He knew how to live, the old untidy rogue. One had to admit that. + +Lilly saw her reflection in the mirror opposite her seat. It was +reassuringly aristocratic. + +She had chosen a pleated dress of black Liberty silk with a waist of +Chantilly lace, which despite its costliness lay in simple lines of +grace about her breast and arms. + +Unsuspecting spirits might believe that a similar costume was to be had +everywhere from San Francisco to St. Petersburg, from Cape Town to +Christiania for two hundred marks. + +She had wisely refrained from wearing any jewellery, except the thin +gold chain which she was wont to wear next to her skin. It encircled her +high collar in maidenly modesty. + +She looked like a young noblewoman who has been held in strict +seclusion, and who is taking her first look into the great world with +shy, inquiring eyes. + +His uncle had assigned the seat on her right side to Konrad, and kept +the place nearest the door for himself. + +The instant he took his seat at table he began to feel somewhat in his +element. + +He uttered hoarse ejaculations and gave orders and was dissatisfied with +everything. + +"See here, boy," he said to the waiter, who was placing the +_hors-d'oeuvres_ on the table, "do you call that the right kind of a +carafe for port wine? Don't you know that if port wine doesn't sparkle +in the carafe, it takes away your thirst?" + +The waiter, intimidated by his snarling, wanted to go off in search of +another carafe, but Mr. Rennschmidt declared he could not wait, he +needed a "starter." + +"I'm still a little constrained," he said apologetically. "I'm not +accustomed to associating with such beautiful and ungracious ladies." + +Lilly felt a prick at her heart. + +She met a reproachful look from her lover, which seemed to say: + +"You mustn't be so dumb. You must be agreeable to him." + +In the same mute language Lilly humbly implored his forgiveness. + +"I can't. You speak for me." + +In his anxiety Konrad began to converse as if he had been paid for +entertaining them. He described the collection of antiques in his +uncle's castle on the Rhine, touched upon the competition of the +Americans, and, passing on to the subject of art in Italy, discussed the +harmful effects of the Lex Pacca, and goodness knows what else. + +It was a highly illuminating little discourse, which his uncle seemed to +follow with moderate interest, while squinting at Lilly and smacking his +lips from time to time over a piece of canned tunny. Then Mr. +Rennschmidt said: + +"All very true and edifying, my son. But couldn't you also impart some +valuable information as to the state of the whiskey in this place?" + +Konrad jumped up to pull the bell rope, but his uncle restrained him. + +"Stop--stop--stop. This is my affair.... Here's the port for you.... +After all a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, even if she belongs to +others. Here's to you, beautiful woman." + +That sounded like mockery. Did he wish to make sport of her before +repulsing her? + +"In fact," he continued, addressing Lilly, "permit me to congratulate +you. You've already worked a perceptible change in him. I see he already +dances beautifully to your tune, eh?" + +Whether or no, she had to say something in reply. + +"I don't play tunes, and he doesn't dance," she said, making a mighty +effort to pull herself together. "We're not free enough for that." + +"Aha, there's one straight from the shoulder for me," he laughed, but +his laugh sounded resentful. + +"Lilly didn't mean any harm," Konrad interjected, coming to her rescue. +"And really, we are not having an easy time of it. If Lilly hadn't +helped me every day with her sweet comprehension, I don't think my +strength would have held out." + +"All very well and good--or--or, or all very deplorable. But your old +uncle hasn't gotten even a look from her--as advance payment on our +future relationship." + +"Oh, if that's all," thought Lilly. + +And raising her glass to touch his, she tried to thank him for his +having come around with a little coquettish shamefaced smile. + +It filled him with evident satisfaction. He twisted his pointed beard +and ogled her confidentially with his leering eyes as if to extract from +her a sign of secret understanding. + +"Thank goodness! Maybe he's not so dreadful after all," she thought. She +drew a breath of relief as she felt the chains of her embarrassment +loosening a bit. + +When the waiter returned, a grave discussion arose between him and Mr. +Rennschmidt as to the brands of whiskey the hotel had to offer. It was a +long parley and debate, ending in a call for the hotel-keeper himself, +who went down into the cellar to hunt up a bottle he thought he must +have somewhere with the label of a certain famous house and the date of +a certain famous year. + +At length Mr. Rennschmidt was ready again to bestow his attention upon +his beautiful niece to be. + +"I'm a sort of barnswallow. I built my nest of mud and such stuff. I +traded in guano, train-oil, Australian blennies, pitch, and other more +or less unclean things. So you can't blame me for wishing to recuperate +by devoting myself to appetizing objects, such as you, my ungracious +lady. All I wish is a little attention in return." + +"Oh dear," thought Lilly. "I'll be impertinent for once." So she said: +"Mr. Rennschmidt, you know I'm sitting here like a poor, trembling +student going up for the examinations. I beg of you"--she raised her +clasped hands--"don't play with me like a cat with a mouse." + +She had struck the right note. + +"Is she opening her mouth at last?" he cried beaming. "And she has a +wonderful little snout, Konrad, one of those mice snouts with long +teeth, in which the upper lip says to the lower lip, 'If you don't come +and kiss, I'll run away.' Isn't it so, Konrad, you stupid fellow, eh?" + +Lilly had to laugh heartily, and the _entente cordiale_ was finally +concluded. + +And for a moment Konrad's dear tired face brightened with a smile of +reassurance which expanded her heart as with a heaven-sent reward. She +loved him so dearly she could have thrown herself at his uncle's feet +for his sake. With a rising sense of triumph she thought: + +"_Now_ he shall see how agreeable I can be to that old horror." + +And indeed to make herself agreeable proved to be not so very excessive +a task. When she looked at the old man with his round, crumpled roguish +face, his darting, sly little grey eyes, and the fine, wavy, snow-white +diplomat's wig--it actually was a wig, sharply defined on his forehead +and brushed forward into locks over his ears--she felt more and more +strongly that he was an old acquaintance with whom she had many a time +played pranks and to whom the recollection of those pranks secretly +bound her. + +Yet, surely, she had never met him before. + +Despite his proletarian exterior his assured manner breathed an air of +gentlemanliness. And the way he constructed the menu was really +wonderful. The sixty-eight-year-old Steinbergerkabinett, which looked +like amber-coloured oil when he poured it into the Rhine wine glasses, +suited the blue trout as perfectly as if it were its native element. And +the next course, the sweetbread patties _a la Montgelas_, was worthy of +what had gone before. Neither Richard nor any member of the crew was so +skilled in the epicurean art as he. + +If only he had not kept tossing off one glass of whiskey after the +other. + +"My brain has been dulled by long money-making, like a nail hammered on +cast-iron," he said in self-justification. "I must whet it every now and +then, or else it'll get as dull as the edge of a tombstone." + +When the Roman punch was served, a brief but hot discussion arose as to +the merits of certain American drinks from which Lilly, with her +knowledge of the whole range of beverages, came out with flying colours. +She even knew accurately the ingredients of Mr. Rennschmidt's favourite +mixture, the "South Sea bowl," a fiery concoction of sherry, cognac, +angostura bitters, the yolks of eggs, and Chateau d'Yquem--in case of +emergency Moselle might be used. She ventured to ask, might she not +prepare the rare mixture for him after dinner; she could do it so +expertly that he would have to admit he had not drunk anything more +delicious between Singapore and Melbourne. + +Konrad, who had evidently never suspected her talents in this line, +listened to her with an astonishment which filled her with pride. + +She sent him one furtive look after another, which asked: + +"Are you satisfied? Am I pleasant enough to him?" + +But he failed somehow to respond. He remained silent and abstracted, and +sometimes he seemed to be remote from the company. + +"Dream on," she thought blissfully. "_I_ will look out for our +happiness." + +The friendship between her and the old man waxed apace. + +By the time the wild duck came and with it the glowing Burgundy, which +slipped down their throats like caressing flames, she had already been +calling him uncle. + +And he for his part, repeatedly declared that he was "totally wrapped up +in his dear, dear little Lilly." + +So this was the test, the cruel test, from which she had thought there +was no concealment, no escape, the test that would bare her, dissect +her, and turn her soul inside out. + +She could scarcely contain herself when she thought of it. + +Yes, yes. There sat that awful danger, whose moneybags held victory or +defeat--a little monster grown tame, who stroked her fingers with his +horrid wrinkled hands, and fawned on her for a crumb of her favour. + +He was really amusing, especially when he told jokes. + +What a lot of gossip from the colonies! + +She had not heard so many anecdotes in a whole year. + +For example there was the story of the German governor, Mr. Von So and +So--she had met him once at Uhl's. He went to his post with his suite, +consisting of his secretary, his valet, and his cook. Six months +afterwards the cook went to him and said: "Governor, it's so and so +far." He gave her two thousand marks and said: "But be sure and hold +your tongue." Then she went to the secretary and said: "Mr. Mueller, it's +so and so far." He gave her three hundred marks and said: "But be sure +and hold your tongue." Then she went to the valet and said: "John, it's +so and so far. We can get married." Three months afterward the valet +went to the governor and said: "Your Excellency, that woman did us all. +The brat's a nigger." + +And many another story he told of like nature. + +She had to hold her sides with laughter. + +"Laugh, Konrad, darling, laugh." + +He smiled, but his eyes remained serious, and his forehead tense. + +When the champagne was brought they drank "fellowship." + +It was horrible to kiss those thick, greedy old lips, but their future +happiness demanded it. + +Konrad, too, was to get a kiss. But he refused it. Worse still, he +wanted to prohibit her drinking. + +"She isn't careful enough," he muttered. "Please, uncle, don't give her +so much. We have never drunk so much." + +But they both laughed at him. + +"He's always been a country yokel," the old man teased, "and has never +known what's good. It's too bad for you to throw yourself away on him, +Lilly dear. You ought to take a man like me. Not a booby in corduroy. +He's a regular funeral torch." + +But on this subject Lilly brooked no teasing. + +"You let my little Konni alone, you old fright. You'd better tell your +old chestnuts. Come along! Forward, march!" + +No, she would not permit a word against her sweet little Konni. + +The uncle fell to telling his stories again. + +Now they were anecdotes in pigeon-English, that lingo which the Chinese +and other interesting personages in the Far East use as a means of +communication with the white sahibs. "Tom and Paddy in the Tea House," +"The Virtuous Miss Laura in Macao," "The Guide and the Bayadere," each +received a good box on the ear. + +"But Konni ought not to hear any more of this, uncle. I don't want my +Konni to be spoiled for me." + +So she put her left ear close to the old gentleman's lips, and made a +"whispering cave" with him, as was the wont of members of the "crew" +when they flirted too outrageously or misbehaved in other ways. + +Anyone who had thought she was tongue-tied or unable to repay like with +like would have been sadly mistaken. The general's club jokes suffered +from no lack of juiciness, and what she had learned from the "crew" was +certainly of no mean parentage. + +It was worth while to exert an extra effort for so appreciative an +audience as "uncle." But Konrad, the innocent, had to submit to having +his ears stuffed with the cotton batting upon which the calville apples +had been served. + +After the coffee the old man demanded that Lilly make good her promise +and prepare the South Sea bowl. He was sure her assertion had been a +mere idle boast. + +No need to taunt her a second time. + +All sorts of bottles were called into requisition, besides the sherry +and the angostura, an old sweet Yquem. It was really a pity to put it +to such uses, so Mr. Rennschmidt suggested taking a glass or two on the +side. + +To be sure the eggs broke at the wrong place and spilled over her gown +and the carpet. But that made no difference; it only added to the +pleasure. At any rate, the dear old uncle was paying for everything. + +To compensate, the flame of the alcohol lamp leapt in the air all the +more wildly--up to the orchids--up to the sky--it would have delighted +her to drink in the tongues of fire the way witches do. + +"Your luck, Konni--_our_ luck, Konni!" + +"Don't drink," she heard his voice. It was harsher than usual, and +strange in its severity. + +"Country yokel," she laughed, thrusting out her tongue at him. + +"Don't drink," the voice admonished a second time. "You are not used to +drinking." + +She not used to drinking? How dared he say such a thing? That was +questioning her honour. Yes, it was questioning her honour. + +"How do you know what I'm used to?... I'm used to quite different +things. I've sat on this very seat I'm sitting in more than once--more +than ten times--and have drunk much, much more." + +"Dear heart, think of what you're saying. It isn't true." + +His voice once more sounded soft and gentle, as if he were reproving a +naughty child. + +Such a shame. It was enough to make one cry. + +"How can you say it is not true? Do you think I'm a liar? Do you think +I'm not familiar with such fashionable places as this? Pshaw! Shall I +prove it to you? Very well. I can. I believe you'll find my name on the +base of this lamp--Lilly Czepanek--Lilly Czepanek. Just look for it, +look for it!" + +He started to his feet and fixed his eyes upon the mirror-like surface +defaced by a jumble of characters scratched on it. + +But he could not find the L. C. for which he was looking. She had to +come to his assistance. Not here.--Not there. The letters swam before +her eyes. She had to try to catch them like the gold fish in her +aquarium. + +Aha! There it was. There it was! L. v. M., with the coronet above. For +at that time she had still dared to use the prohibited name for an +occasional adornment. + +"Now you see I was right, Konni. Now you will let me drink, won't you. +Here's to you, you sweet little yokel." + +He was so struck by this proof that he sank back in his chair and said +not a word. + +But the uncle and she continued to drink and laugh at him. + +When she threw a look into the mirror, she saw as through a billowy haze +a red swollen face with rumpled hair under a hat tilted back on the head +and two deep flabby furrows running from her mouth to her chin. + +This caused her some disquiet. But she had no time to heed her feeling +because that unspeakable old uncle had a new joke on the carpet. + +"Do you know, Lilly dear, the Chinese way of singing the Lorelei?" + +Before she had even heard a syllable she burst out into a wild laugh. + +He put one of his bowed legs over the other, pretending it was +a Chinese banjo, and played a prelude on the sole of his foot: +"Tink-a-tink-a-tink." Then he began in a nasal, croaking, gurgling +voice, drawing out his l's endlessly: + + O my belong too much sorry, + And can me no savy, what kind; + Have got one olo piccy story + No won't she go outside my mind. + +When he came to the second verse, + + Dat night belang dark and colo, + +he tore his wig from his head to heighten the effect; and he now +actually looked the very image of an old, nodding "Chinee," with his +shiny pate and his bright slanting slits of eyes. + +It was a fascinating, an overpowering spectacle. + +Never in her life, not even on the professional stage, had she seen a +clown's performance so provocative of side-splitting laughter. + +She would have died of envy had she not been Lilly Czepanek, the famous +impersonator, who when the spirit moved her, needed but to open her +mouth to evoke a storm of applause. + +Her matchless repertoire had lain fallow too long. But the beautiful +Otero had not yet grown old, Tortajada still set your senses a-whirl +with her dancing, and Matchiche had just come into fashion. + +Lilly merely had to shove her hat a little further back on her head and +lift her black dress--even a Saharet would have had no cause to be +ashamed of the silk petticoat she had brought in her trunk--and then off +she could go. + +And off she went. + +Like a whirlwind over the carpet slippery with the yolks of eggs. + +"Heigh-ho--ole--ole. + +"You must shout ole and clap your hands. + +"Ole--e--e!" + +The uncle bawled. The floor rocked to and fro in long waves. The lamps +and the mirror danced along. All hell seemed to be let loose. + +"Do shout, Konni,--ole--don't be so downcast. Ole." + +"Uncle, you have this on _your_ conscience!" + +What did he mean by that? + +Why did he burst into sobs? + +Why was he standing there white as chalk? + +"Ole--Ole--e--e--e." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + +It was nearly noon when Lilly woke in a glow of happiness. + +The uncle won over--the last obstacle removed--the future lying before +her, a land of blossoms and golden fruits. + +What a farce and a lark the dreaded examination had been! What a +jumping-jack, what a buffoon he was, that keen, penetrating man of the +world, who had probably ground women's destinies as he would munch betel +nuts. + +When she tried to review the events of the evening before, and arrange +them in sequence, it came to her with a slight sense of oppression that +at the end everything had resolved itself into a fog, shot with light +and echoing with song and laughter, just as had happened yonder--in that +other life, when she had romped wildly with Richard and the "crew." + +She could not puzzle out how she had mounted the steps and reached her +room. + +As the fog lifted a little, she saw peering out of it a pale, set face, +with an expression of pained surprise; she heard an outcry that sounded +like a sob or a groan, and saw herself sobbing next to someone who was +kneeling, who pushed her away with his hands. + +Had that happened? + +Had she dreamt it? + +Why, she had sung and danced so beautifully, she had disclosed her +greatest talents. Could they by any possibility have displeased him? Had +she gone too far in her self-abandonment? + +Her anxiety waxed. + +She jumped out of bed and dressed herself, possessed by one thought: "To +go to him!" + +At twelve o'clock the door-bell rang. + +It was, it must be he! + +But when she hurried to the door to throw herself into his arms with a +cry of relief, she found, not him, but his uncle, who stood twirling his +hat in his horrid fingers like a petitioner, and looked up at her with +an oily, wry smile, most obnoxious to her. + +"Is the examination to begin again?" The question rose in her mind. "Or +is it just going to begin?" + +Her welcome died on her lips. + +Without speaking she let him in. She experienced a sickish sensation of +vacancy and incorporeality, as if she might melt through the wall into +her room. + +The old gentleman did not wait for her to open the door to the "best +room," but opened it himself, and walked in, as if he were an old +acquaintance. + +"Where is Konrad?" + +"Konrad?" With his little finger he scratched the silk band of his wig. +"Oh, thereby hangs a tale." He drew out his watch with the clinking gold +chain, and studied the dial. "It is just ten minutes after twelve. I +suppose by now he's on his way to the station. Yes, he must be." + +"Is--he--going--away?" she asked, her breath beginning to fail. + +"Yes, yes, he's going to take a trip. Yes, last night--hm--last night we +talked it over. So now he's going to take a little trip." + +"That's absurd," she thought. "How can he go away without me?" But she +checked herself, and entering into the game, asked with apparent +nonchalance, "Where's he off to so suddenly?" + +"Oh, just a little trip. Not worth talking about. A favourable opening +presented itself. There happened to be a double cabin vacant on the +steamer leaving from--thingumbob--well, never mind from where--outside +cabin, you know--on the promenade deck--the best situation, you +know--the water doesn't splash in and there's plenty of air--and air's +what you always want, especially during those four days on the Red Sea." + +Then it was true. Her suspicions on awakening were being verified more +swiftly than she had thought they would be. It was only the beginning of +the test of her character and intentions. + +"What do people do in the Red Sea, uncle?" she asked with her most +innocent smile. + +"What do people do in the Red Sea, child? Four thousand years ago the +ancient Hebrews probably asked the same question. And everybody still +asks it when he melts into perspiration there. But that's the only way +of going to India. And I want to go back to India once again. I'm tired +of trotting about on red brick pavements. So I persuaded him to come +along for a little while--you know he's overworked; you'll admit that. I +think it's the best thing to do in such cases, you see." + +Lilly felt a lump in her throat, as if all the gold knobs on his watch +chain were choking her. + +"Rather a poor joke," she thought, "but goodness knows what he means by +it." + +Whether she would or no, she had to keep up the game. + +"Konrad ought to have been polite enough to come and say good-by," she +replied, pouting a bit, as if he were about to start off on a trip to +Dresden or Potsdam. + +"Why, he wanted to, child; of course he did. But I said to him: 'You +see, my boy,' I said, 'it always means such dreadful excitement. It's +enough to give you an apoplectic stroke.' He agreed, and asked me to +arrange matters with you." + +"Well then, let us arrange matters," she answered with the condescending +smile that the farce, whatever its nature, merited. + +"He is probably down below in a cab waiting for a signal," she thought. + +The old gentleman put his stylish Panama beside him on the floor, leaned +his short body back against Mrs. Laue's plush upholstery, and tried to +assume an expression of sympathy and grief. + +The old clown! + +"If it were my affair, little one," he began, "I frankly confess I've +gone crazy over you. Wrapped up, as I said yesterday. I know women from +one end of the world to the other, and it is as clear as cocoanut oil to +me: you're first rate stuff. You're fine as silk. But there are people +who take themselves seriously and have great illusions, don't you know? +People utterly without an idea that a human being is a human being, +people who think they're something extra, and want life to dish up extra +tit-bits to them. Oh, those people, I tell you, those people! That's the +way the great disappointments come about--and reproaches--and +despair--and tearing out your hair. He came near giving me a thrashing +last night." + +"Whom are you talking about?" Lilly asked, growing more and more +fearful. + +"As if I had led you into overshooting the mark! No, indeed. Nothing of +the sort. I don't do such things. I don't set man-traps. And I told him +so ten times over. But the misfortune is, we understood each other too +well. We both belong to the same business. We're like two old +shipmates." + +"What do you mean by 'we both'? You and I?" Lilly asked with frigid +astonishment in her tone. + +"Yes, you and I, my child. Don't fall overboard. You and I. To be sure, +you're a splendid beauty of twenty-five and I'm an old fool of sixty. +But you and I have gone through the same mill. What need to explain to +you at length? Have you ever searched for diamonds? I don't mean at a +jeweller's--that you probably have. Well, a diamond lies in hard rock, +in funnels, in so-called blue ground. If you come upon a blue ground +funnel, you can imagine what it's like. There you squat. I went digging +for diamonds once--with twenty men--day and night--for weeks and weeks. +The blue ground was there, oh, indeed, it was, but the diamonds had been +washed away. Do you see what I'm driving at? The fine ground is still in +both of us, but what actually makes it fine, the devil has already +extracted." + +"Why are you saying all this to me?" Lilly asked. Tears were rising to +her eyes from sheer perplexity, because what he said could not possibly +have anything to do with the great test. + +"I'll tell you, little girl. There are people who think there's no going +back on their word. They have to swallow whatever they once put into +their mouths. They won't spit it out even if it is a strychnine pill. +Now _I_, on the other hand, think that nobody need consciously plunge +into misfortune. Neither you nor he. And since it's best to wash the +wool directly on the sheep's body, I came to you to make a little +proposition. You see, here's a check book You're familiar with check +books, I'm sure. On the right side are printed ciphers from five hundred +up to--you can see for yourself. All the ciphers that make the amount +higher than the sum written on the check, are cut off to keep little +swindlers from cheating a man out of a hundred thousand marks with one +stroke of the pen. Now look. This check is dated and signed. All that's +missing is the sum, because I should never permit myself to offer you a +certain amount. I leave it to you to specify what you think you need for +a decent living in the future." + +He tore a check from the book and laid it on the table in front of her. + +"Thank heaven," thought Lilly, "all my tremours were needless." + +It was a clumsy trap. Even a blind man must see that his procedure was +nothing more than a test of her disinterestedness. + +So, instead of throwing the old man out of doors--which she should have +and would have done, had he proffered the check in all seriousness--she +smiled and took the check from the table, and methodically tore it into +bits, and with the middle finger of her right hand flicked one little +pile of them after the other into his face. + +He jerked about uneasily in his chair. + +"Permit me," he said, "permit me--" + +"By no means--I will _not_ permit such vile jokes, uncle." + +"But you are rejecting a fortune, child. Consider--we've torn you from +your moorings. We've thrown you, as it were, on the street. Upon us +rests the responsibility of seeing to it that you are not driven to +ruin. And if you think that by accepting the check you are lowering +yourself in Konrad's eyes, I can swear to you he doesn't know a thing +about it. And he never will, I'll swear to that also." + +She merely smiled. + +His little blinking eyes turned bright and staring. Suddenly there was a +cold threat in their look. + +"Or--perhaps you intend to hold the boy to his promise and mean to twist +his pledge into a halter about his neck? Is that the sort you are--eh?" + +"No, I'm not that sort." + +Her smile flitted past him and went to meet her beloved, who must soon, +very soon, come storming up the stairs. Surely he could not endure +waiting down there in the cab so long. + +"His word is in his own keeping. He never gave me a pledge. Even if he +wanted to, I should never have accepted it. And even if what you said is +true, he could go on his trip quite calmly--and return quite calmly. I +would never attempt to meet him or reach him by letter, or remind him of +what he is to me and will continue to be as long as I live. But I know +it is _not_ true. He loves me, and I love him. And take care, uncle, not +to play such low tricks with his future wife as to offer blank checks +and the like. If I were to tell him about it, you'd all of a sudden find +you're a lonely old man who can leave his money to a cat and dog +asylum." + +Now he must see what a blunder he had committed. His mistake annoyed him +so that he jumped from his seat with a muttered "Pshaw!" and tramped +about the room playing with his watch charm, and murmuring two or three +times something like "a hangman's job." + +But she probably misunderstood him. + +Finally he seemed to have reached a decision. + +He stopped close to her, laid his disgusting hands on her shoulders, and +said: + +"Listen, my dear, sweet little girl. We can't part without arriving at a +conclusion. If I weren't such a cursed mangy old pariah-dog, and if over +and above this, I didn't have to be considerate of the boy's feelings, +the matter would be perfectly simple. I should say: 'Little one, if you +want to, come let's go to the nearest magistrate. But hurry, I haven't +much time to lose.' Don't stare at me so. Yes, that's what I mean--with +_me_--with me. You wouldn't need to regret it either. As for Konrad, see +here, you must really say so to yourself--it won't do--we shouldn't hit +it off--it would be harnessing before and aft. Because he is a rising +man. He wants to climb to the top. He is still blessed with faith and +you no longer possess it. Too early in life you tumbled into the great +meat-chopping machine, which finally converts us all into complacent +wormy mush. You yourself wouldn't feel happy. You wouldn't be able to +keep pace. You would lie on him a lifeless cargo, and be conscious of +it, too. I'm not laying so much stress on last night's eye-opener. It's +not the appearance of a coast line that counts. It doesn't matter +whether it's covered with palms or sand. The important thing is the +interior. And in the interior I see steppes--scorched--waste-land--no +birds flying across it--a desert where confidence will not strike root. +Crawl into whatever shelter life offers you, little one. Cling to those +who brought you to the pass you are in. But let the boy go. He's not +meant for you. Be frank, didn't you say so to yourself long ago?" + +So that's what it was! + +No test-- + +The end. The end. + +Lilly stared into space. She seemed to hear a tread dying away--a step +lower, another step, another step, and another--growing fainter--ever +fainter--as when Konrad had slipped away from her at dawn. + +But this time they would never return! + +She felt a slight gnawing disenchantment creep about her heart--nothing +more. The worst would come later, she knew from of old. + +Then she saw herself dancing and yodeling and telling hoggish jokes with +her hat tilted to one side and her petticoats raised to her knees--a +drunken wench. + +She of the "lofty spirit" and "head divine,"--a drunken wench, not a +whit better. + +Now she knew why he had stood there white as chalk, why that sob of +distress had burst from his lips. + +And the feeling that poured over her in that second like a stream of +boiling water was compounded as much of pity for Konrad as of shame of +herself. + +"How does he bear it?" she faltered. + +"You can imagine how," he replied, "but I think I can pull him through +it." + +"Uncle--I didn't _mean_ to!" she cried with a great sob. + +"I know, child, I know. He told me everything." + +For an instant wounded pride flared up within her. She stopped, picked +up a few of the scattered bits of paper, and held them out to him in the +hollow of her hand. + +"And you dared to offer me this?" + +"Why, what was I to do, child? And what _will_ I do with you?" + +"Bah!" + +She struck at him with both hands; but the next instant threw her arms +about his neck, and wept on his shoulder. That was the place perhaps on +which Konrad's tearful face had also rested the night before. + +Mr. Rennschmidt began to speak again. He made various proposals for her +future. He would help her begin a new life, would give her the means for +cultivating her great talent for the stage. + +But she shook her head at each of his suggestions. + +"Too late, uncle. Waste-land, you yourself said, where confidence will +not strike root. I might aspire to music-hall fame. But to be quite +frank, that wouldn't pay me." + +"The damned curs!" he hissed. + +"What curs?" + +"You know." + +She reflected as to whom he could possibly mean. + +"There was really only one," she observed. "Oh, yes, and another--and +then one more. And later there were two besides, but they don't count." + +"It seems to me that's quite enough, little girl." + +He stroked her cheeks, smiling kindly, and she did not find his fingers +so disgusting. + +She even had to smile in response, though she fell directly to crying +again. + +Mr. Rennschmidt prepared to take leave. She clung to his shoulder; she +did not want to let him go. He was the last bridge that joined her +departing vessel with the land of happiness. + +"What message shall I take to him?" he asked. + +She drew herself up. Her eyes widened. She wanted to pour out all her +grief. Her squandered love sought for words which would carry it to him +purged and sanctified. + +But she found none. + +She looked about the room as if help must come from some quarter. The +pictures of the ancient actors smiled upon her. Those who had once been +so eloquent had become dumb, dumb as her own soul. The framed lamp shade +greeted her as if the future she had to pass at Mrs. Laue's side was +greeting her. + +"I don't know what to say," she faltered. Then something occurred to her +after all. "Please ask him--please ask him--why he himself didn't come +to say good-by. I know him. He is not a coward." + +Mr. Rennschmidt made his queerest face. + +"Since you're so remarkably sensible, child, I'll tell you. Of _course_ +he wanted to come and say good-by. I even told him I'd try to drag you +to the station." + +Without an instant's reflection she made a dash for her hat. + +"Stop!" + +He had laid his hand on her arm. + +The little fat figure grew taller. + +"You will _not_ go." + +"What! Konni is waiting for me--Konni wants to speak to me--and I am +_not_ to go?" + +"You--_will--not--go_, I tell you. If you're the brave girl I took you +to be, you will not nullify the sacrifice you're making. You can reckon +upon it, if he sees you again, you'll both remain hanging on each +other." + +Her hat slipped from her hand. + +"Then--tell him--I'll love him--forever--forever--he'll be my last +thought on earth--and--and--I don't know what else to say." + +He left the room without a word. + +Then she collapsed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +The world went its way, calmly, gaily, busily, as if nothing had +occurred, as if no lost happiness were tossing about on the sea of life, +disappearing farther and farther in the distance; as if no human being +had been thrown into a corner to crouch there and stare at the ground +helplessly with dimmed eyes. + +Mrs. Laue was pasting pressed flowers; the fried potatoes were sizzling +in fat, the lamp in the hall was smoking, and the poor people's odour +greeted all who entered its realm. + +Lilly did not cry her heart out of her body as when she had been +expelled from Lischnitz; she did not sink into a state of apathetic +brooding, nor wrestle desperately with fate. + +All she felt was a dim void stretching endlessly before her, broken now +and again by a sharp outcry like that of an animal bereft of its mate; a +sense of faint-hearted acquiescence, a consciousness of inevitable +imprisonment, of a fearful descent into dark depths, of a dismal death, +lacking strength and dignity. + +Between the present and the future, the sort of future that beckoned to +her from every street, rose the railing of the bridge she had tried to +climb after seeing "Rosmersholm." And when she stared into space with +tearless eyes, she saw far below the black, purple-patched water rolling +idly along, and heard the iron rail clink under her sole. + +This clinking became stronger, and turned into an accompaniment of +everything that came and went during the uneventful days. + +It drilled her brain, hammered at her temples, and tingled in every pore +of her body. + +There was a text to the miserable melody. + +The text was: "To die!" + +Well, then, to die! + +What could be simpler? And what more compelling? + +But not to-day. To-morrow perchance, or day after to-morrow. + +Something might still happen. A letter might arrive, or even he himself. +Or if neither of these contingencies came to pass--who could tell what +miracle fate held in readiness for the morrow? + +To let hour after hour of one additional day pass in the same melancholy +monotony. + +One evening, a week after Konrad's sudden departure, it happened that +Mrs. Laue entered the best room at an unusual time with an emphatic +manner, and said: "Now, Lilly dear, you cannot go on the same way. If +you were to cry, I shouldn't say anything. But _this_ way you'll never +come back to reason. There's only one sane and natural thing for you to +do, return to your Mr. Dehnicke. If he had an inkling of how things are +with you, he would have come to fetch you long ago. So you'll either sit +right down and write him a nice letter, or to-morrow morning I'll give +up my work and go to see him in his office. I'll get my expenses back." + +Lilly felt violently impelled to drive the old woman out of the room, +but she had grown too discouraged to do more than turn away in impotent +repugnance. + +"I haven't much time, I must say," continued Mrs. Laue. "I have to +complete the dozen before going to bed. But you can make up your mind +to one thing: if he's not here by ten o'clock to-morrow morning, he'll +come at twelve at the very latest, because by that time I myself will +have gone for him." + +Lilly laughed sadly in scorn. So that was the way the miracle looked +which fate held in readiness for the morrow. + +Should she submit all over again to a man's puny supremacy? Crawl back +into the cowardly comfort of perfumed imprisonment? Vegetate among inane +festivities, in a sort of doze, or walk the streets when driven by +disgust and boredom? + +She would not have the force to resist the next day when he came. She +knew it well. Richard needed merely to look at her once with that +whipped-dog expression which was entirely new to her in him. The very +thought of it filled her with humiliating softness. Something was +already stirring within her that would compel her to throw her arms +about his neck and cry on his shoulder. + +It was really not worth while to bide the morrow for so pitiful a +reward. + +So--she would die--that very day! + +That very day. + +It came to her like a cup of intoxication. + +With clasped hands she ran about the room weeping, rejoicing. + +She would be a heroine like Isolde, a martyr to her love. + +And the railing of the bridge was waiting. How it would quiver and hum +when she climbed on it. + +Then the buzzing in her head grew louder. The air was filled with a +medley of tones. The walls re-echoed with the refrain--the noise on the +streets, the mighty roar of the city--everything sang: + +"Die--die--die." + +She tore off her gown and dressed to go out. + +At first she thought of wearing one of her two ill-fitting dresses, +because they had come from Konrad, but she could not prevail upon +herself to do so. + +"Die in beauty," Hedda Gabler had said. + +"Oh, if only I had his picture," thought Lilly, "so that I could take +one last look at his eyes." + +But all she had from him were his letters and a few poems. They were to +accompany her on her last walk. + +They were lying at the bottom of the leather trunk which was still +hidden in Mrs. Laue's hole of a room, although the need for concealment +was past. + +When she rummaged for the little packages among the contents of the +trunk she came by chance upon the old score of the Song of Songs. + +She tenderly regarded the yellow stained roll. + +She was no longer angry with her Song of Songs or scorned it, as she had +on that unfortunate morning when she had gone to her former home to +break her promise to Konrad. + +Once again it became a dear, valuable possession, though neither a +monitor, nor worker of miracles, nor a sanctuary. It still was an old +remnant, but one to be kissed and petted and cried over, because a part +of her own life clung to it. + +And some of her blood also. + +There were the dark stains. + +On the day of her going forth they had fallen upon it and on the day of +her coming home, the deep waters would wash them away. + +Then her mind glided past the score back into the hazy past. + +Mists seemed to be lifting and curtains to be drawn aside, and her way +seemed to lie behind her like a sharply defined band. + +She had been weak. And stupid. And had never considered her own +interests. Every man that had entered her life had done with her what he +would. She had never closed the doors of her soul, never shown her +teeth, never given free play to the power of her beauty; but had always +been ready to serve others, to love them, and make the best of +everything. + +As thanks she had been persecuted and beaten and dragged in the mud her +life long. Even the one man who had esteemed her had gone away without +saying good-by. + +"But," she thought, "I have never hated a single one of them, and I have +always had the right to regard myself as above the common, however I +have suffered. However I have sinned. And the end was a heaven-sent +gift." + +Did it not seem as if this Song of Songs, which lay there debased, +stained, decayed, like her own life, had in truth hovered over her, +blessing her and granting her absolution from her sins, just as in her +early dreams and just as in her rhapsodies to Konrad during that hour of +blissful self-surrender? + +"Yes, you shall come along!" she said. "You shall die when I die." + +She carefully rolled and wrapped up the crumbling sheets. + +Then she found the letters in the trunk, read them once, and several +times again--but she did not understand what she was reading. + + * * * * * + +It was nearly twelve o'clock when she softly closed the tall door behind +her. + +Mrs. Laue was still asleep. + +Nobody met her on the stairs, and she managed to leave the house without +being seen. + +Since her flight to Konrad she had not been alone on the street at +midnight. + +The two long rows of house fronts dipped in garish light--the trolley +poles sparking and flashing between--silent, shadowy figures--it was all +as if she were looking upon it for the first time. + +An oppressive fear beset her. + +Her legs felt numb as if wooden stilts had been screwed to them upon +which she must hasten on without hesitating or stopping, whether she +would or no. And her heels rapped on the pavement, carrying her on, +irresistibly nearer and nearer to her goal. + +At the approach of each passerby she was impelled to hide herself, in +the belief that her appearance betrayed her intentions. + +So she chose dark side streets which were being paved and where +withering linden trees scattered rain drops. + +Her way led past long rows of brick buildings inhospitably set behind +dark garden walls, past barns and factories. + +And her heels kept rapping: "Tap--tap--tap," as if she were wearing a +pedometer which accurately registered every inch shortening her course. + +She began to think of roundabout ways of reaching her bridge. + +But she cast the temptation from her. + +"If it were done, 'twere well it were done quickly," she had read +somewhere. + +Forward with clenched teeth! + +The Engelbecken lay dark and deserted. Yellow lights glinted on the +invisible waters. + +"It would be easier here," she thought, breathless from the oppression +at her heart, and stepped nearer, on the grassy slope. + +But she recoiled with a shudder. + +It had to be the bridge on the northwest side--fate had willed it so. + +It was still a great distance off, about an hour's walk. + +She came to livelier streets. + +The lamps in front of the dance halls, where fallen women revelled, sent +their garish beams out into the night like tentacles. + +On, on she must go! + +From the open doors of a basement cafe was wafted a hot garlic-laden +vapour. + +What smelled like that? + +Oh, yes! The little sausages Mrs. Redlich had given her son as a +farewell dinner. + +Directly in front of her a hose as thick as her arm spurted a cleansing +stream over the pavement. + +What had she heard hiss and gurgle along the ground like that? + +Oh, yes! It had sounded just like that when old Haberland had watered +the lawn, with the copper sprinkler. + +Suddenly the idea shot through her brain: "None of this is true. I am +lying in bed between the bookcases of the circulating library, and the +lamp I took from the bracket is smoking back of me,--and it is all in +the book I am reading on the sly after Mrs. Asmussen's dose of medicine +has happily worked." + +The city noises swelled and called her back to life. + +She had reached the heart of the city, the vortex of Berlin's unwearying +night life. + +She passed the Spittelmarkt. Leipziger Strasse unrolled before her, a +stupendous scene, with its endless chain of street lamps. A silvery mist +enveloped it, or, rather, it resembled a gay picture lightly covered by +a layer of mould, dotted with the lights of cafes and cabarets +glimmering red. + +The numb feeling in Lilly's legs increased. She moved them without +realising that she was moving them. + +She felt nothing but the throbbing of her heart, which shook her whole +body like the vibrations of a mill. + +On Friedrichstrasse the people thronged as in the daytime. + +Young men rejoicing in the chase followed close upon the heels of their +laughing quarry. + +The lamplight shone on the silk stockings of damsels as they tripped +along. + +"Those who have once been completely submerged in this world," thought +Lilly, with a shudder of envy, "no longer trouble themselves with +questions of honour and death." + +Alas, beyond that brilliant whirl came quiet and darkness again, in +whose shelter a person may die as he will. + +And her heels kept beating: "Tap--tap--tap." She could hear them even in +all that noise. + +"Couldn't I go to some cafe?" she asked herself. "What harm if some one +were to see me? I should gain a paltry quarter of an hour." + +Lights--mirrors--upholstery--curling blue cigarette smoke--a tingling in +her parched throat. + +Once--once again! Not a quarter of an hour--a _whole_ hour--and still +longer if she wished it--a poor bit of life which would do nobody any +harm. + +But she could find no justification for such cowardice and she did not +want to be ashamed of herself at the very last. + +So on--on. + +The laughing crowds of the Kranzlerecke fell behind--the dagger-like +lights no longer pricked her. + +Lilly scarcely knew where she was going. + +She had probably reached one of the quieter cross streets that lead to +the northwest side. + +The middle of the empty street was dotted with glistening puddles. The +pluvial autumn wind came sweeping along between the rows of houses. The +dark windows coldly reflected the light of the street lamps. Everything +about her seemed lifeless, extinct. Only at rare intervals a phantom +glided by, and the cats sped from hiding place to hiding place. + +Shivering, Lilly pressed the score closer under her arm. + +She passed a florist's shop, where the blinds of the show window had not +been drawn. Glancing at her reflection, she was startled to see the +prickly foliage of laurels and cypresses. + +What had gleamed like that? + +Oh, yes! The Clytie that dreamily smiled down from the proud staircase +of the house of Liebert & Dehnicke. + +Now Lilly Czepanek would never mount those laurel-lined stairs in +triumph, nor even crawl to look upon them a repentant sinner. + +She reached a bridge. + +She crossed it quickly. + +That other bridge luring her on lay in remoter solitude, in darker +silence. + +"You have too much love in you," some one had once said. "All three +kinds: love of the heart, love of the senses, love springing from pity. +One of them everybody must have. Two are dangerous. All three lead to +ruin." + +Who had that been? + +Oh, yes! Her first flame, the poor consumptive teacher who had lectured +to the Selecta on the history of art, and whom she and Rosalie Katz had +helped to send to the promised land, the land she herself had never +entered. + +He had spoken of blue olive vapours--the sea blackened by the breath of +the sirocco--and shining meadows of asphodel. + +"What kind of meadows could they be--meadows of asphodel?" + +How fantastic the foreign word sounded and how full of promise. + +But her heels said: "Tap--tap--tap," and the railing of the bridge +called to her. + +A man spoke to her. Wouldn't she--? + +She shook him off like a worm. + +She had been given another warning, also with three parts to it. + +By whom? + +Oh, yes! Mr. Pieper. + +She suddenly heard the sententious admonition, in his very words and +tone of voice, as if he had uttered it the day before: + +"First, exchange no superfluous glances; second, demand no superfluous +rendering of accounts; third, make no superfluous confessions." + +"If I had not exchanged superfluous glances, I should have seen my +promised land. If I had not superfluously demanded the rendering of an +account, I should never have been expelled from Lischnitz. And if I had +not made superfluous confessions--" + +What then? + +"Konni, Konni," she moaned. Her yearning welled up hot and painful, and +forced her revolving thoughts from her mind. + +She walked on reeling. + +More streets disappeared in the fog, interrupted at one place by a grass +plot with a hedge about it. + +What sort of meadows could they be--meadows of asphodel? + +Suddenly she stood at the bridge. + +Like a thief in the night it loomed up in the darkness of the wide, +silent place, where the lights of thousands of street lamps dwindled +into tiny sparks. + +A pale-faced full moon shone somewhere in the black sky. It was the +illuminated clock of a railway station, the body of which was swallowed +by the darkness. + +Half-past one o'clock. + +Lilly saw everything as through a spotted veil. + +She was going to turn the corner of the wall. Instead, paralysed by +horror, she sank down against it, her heart throbbing powerfully. + +"After all I am not going to do it," she said to herself. + +"Yet--I will," she answered. + +She tried to go on--straight ahead--on the bridge, where the rail +awaited her maliciously. But her legs refused to carry her. + +The singing in her ears rose to a roar. She stood on the dark, solitary +bank wavering. + +She took the score in both hands, tore at it, and tried to crumple it +into a ball. But it did not give way. Her Song of Songs was stronger +than she. + +Suddenly her feet moved of themselves, and carried her on--on--whether +she willed it or not, past the lamps at the entrance to the rail +awaiting her. + +Now her fingers grasped the iron top of the railing. + +All she could see of the water below was a dark, slimy shimmer. Not even +the lamps were reflected in it. + + * * * * * + +Now, one leap--and the thing was done. + +"Yes, I'll do it, I'll do it," a voice within her called. + +But she had to send the Song of Songs ahead. It would be a hindrance to +her as she climbed over. + +She threw it--a bit of white flitted by--a splash below--sharp and +distinct, which made her tingle all over like a slap in the face. + +When she heard the sound, she knew she would never do it. + +No! Lilly Czepanek was not a heroine; she was not martyr to her love; +she was no Isolde, who finds the strongest affirmation of herself in the +desire not to be. + +She was nothing but a poor thing who had been crushed and exploited, and +would drag along through life as best she could. + +At the same time she began to array all the possibilities of a +livelihood remaining open to her. + +She would _not_ return to the old life of dissipation. That was certain. +No matter how much Richard's whipped-dog look might plead and beg. + +Anything else would do. + +To be sure, she had been completely robbed of her desire to work, and it +seemed very doubtful whether it would ever come back to her again. + +But after all: something would present itself which would enable her to +live in peace and virtue. + +Millions of human beings ask for nothing better and call it "happiness!" + +She sent one more searching look at the lazy waters, in which the Song +of Songs had just disappeared. + +Then she turned and went back. + + * * * * * + +In the spring of the next year the business world of Berlin was +surprised to read in the papers that Mr. Richard Dehnicke, senior member +of the old, well-known firm of Liebert & Dehnicke, manufacturers of art +bronzes, had married the much-talked-of beauty, Lilly Czepanek, and had +gone to Italy to live there temporarily. + +Those who knew her were not surprised. + +She had always been a dangerous woman, they said. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Song of Songs, by Hermann Sudermann + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SONG OF SONGS *** + +***** This file should be named 34791.txt or 34791.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/7/9/34791/ + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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