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diff --git a/34790-8.txt b/34790-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a0d2fa9 --- /dev/null +++ b/34790-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1369 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Perverted Proverbs, by +Harry Graham, (AKA Col. D. Streamer) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Perverted Proverbs + A Manual of Immorals for the Many + +Author: Harry Graham, (AKA Col. D. Streamer) + +Release Date: December 30, 2010 [EBook #34790] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERVERTED PROVERBS *** + + + + +Produced by Mark C. Orton, Carol Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + + + + + + + + + PERVERTED + PROVERBS + + _A MANUAL OF IMMORALS + FOR THE MANY_ + BY + COL. D. STREAMER + + Author of "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless + Homes" "Ballads of the Boer War" + "The Baby's Baedeker" + + [Illustration: printer's logo] + + NEW YORK + R. H. RUSSELL + 1903 + + _Copyright, 1903, by Robert Howard Russell_ + Published May, 1903. + + + + + PERVERTED PROVERBS + + + + + _Perverted Proverbs_ + + _Dedicated to + Helen Whitney_ + + + Do you recall those bygone days, + When you received with kindly praise + My bantling book of Rhyme? + Praise undeserved, alas! and yet + How sweet! For, tho' we had not met, + (Ah! what a waste of time!) + I could the more enjoy such mercies + Since I delighted in _your_ verses. + + And when a Poet stoops to smile + On some one of the rank and file, + (Inglorious--if not mute,) + Some groundling bard who craves to climb, + Like me, the dizzy rungs of Rhyme, + To reach the Golden Fruit; + For one in such a situation + The faintest praise is no damnation. + + Parnassus heights must surely pall; + For simpler diet do you call, + Of nectar growing tired? + These verses to your feet I bring, + Drawn from an unassuming spring, + Well-meant--if not inspired; + O charming Poet's charming daughter, + Descend and taste my toast and water! + + For you alone these lines I write, + That, reading them, your brow may light + Beneath its crown of bays; + Your eyes may sparkle like a star, + With friendship, that is dearer far + Than any breath of praise; + The which a lucky man possessing + Can ask no higher human blessing. + + And, though the "salt estranging sea" + Be widely spread 'twixt you and me, + We have what makes amends; + And since I am so glad of you, + Be glad of me a little, too, + Because of being friends. + And, if I earn your approbation, + Accept my humble dedication. + + H. G. + + + + + _Foreword_ + + + The Press may pass my Verses by + With sentiments of indignation, + And say, like Greeks of old, that I + Corrupt the Youthful Generation; + I am unmoved by taunts like these-- + (And so, I think, was Socrates). + + Howe'er the Critics may revile, + I pick no journalistic quarrels, + Quite realizing that my Style + Makes up for any lack of Morals; + For which I feel no shred of shame-- + (And Byron would have felt the same). + + I don't intend a Child to read + These lines, which are not for the Young; + For, if I did, I should indeed + Feel fully worthy to be hung. + (Is "hanged" the perfect tense of "hang"? + Correct me, Mr. Andrew Lang!) + + O Young of Heart, tho' in your prime, + By you these Verses may be seen! + Accept the Moral with the Rhyme, + And try to gather what I mean. + But, if you can't, it won't hurt me! + (And Browning would, I know, agree.) + + Be reassured, I have not got + The style of Stephen Phillips' heroes, + Nor Henry Jones's pow'r of Plot, + Nor wit like Arthur Wing Pinero's! + (If so, I should not waste my time + In writing you this sort of rhyme.) + + I strive to paint things as they Are, + Of Realism the true Apostle; + All flow'ry metaphors I bar, + Nor call the homely thrush a "throstle." + Such synonyms would make me smile. + (And so they would have made Carlyle.) + + My Style may be at times, I own, + A trifle cryptic or abstruse; + In this I do not stand alone, + And need but mention, in excuse, + A thousand world-familiar names, + From Meredith to Henry James. + + From these my fruitless fancy roams + To seek the Ade of Modern Fable, + From Doyle's or Hemans' "Stately Ho(l)mes," + To t'other of The Breakfast Table; + Like Galahad, I wish (in vain) + "My wit were as the wit of Twain!" + + Had I but Whitman's rugged skill, + (And managed to escape the Censor), + The Accuracy of a Mill, + The Reason of a Herbert Spencer, + The literary talents even + Of Sidney Lee or Leslie Stephen. + + The pow'r of Patmore's placid pen, + Or Watson's gift of execration, + The sugar of Le Gallienne, + Or Algernon's Alliteration. + One post there is I'd not be lost in, + --Tho' I might find it most ex-austin'! + + Some day, if I but study hard, + The public, vanquished by my pen'll + Acclaim me as a Minor Bard, + Like Norman Gale or Mrs. Meynell, + And listen to my lyre a-rippling + Imperial banjo-spasms like Kipling. + + Were I a syndicate like K. + Or flippant scholar like Augustine; + Had I the style of Pater, say, + Which ev'ryone would put their trust in, + I'd love (as busy as a squirrel) + To pate, to kipple, and to birrel. + + So don't ignore me. If you should, + 'Twill touch me to the very heart oh! + To be as much misunderstood + As once was Andrea del Sarto; + Unrecognized to toil away, + Like Millet--not, of course, Mill_ais_. + + And, pray, for Morals do not look + In this unique agglomeration, + --This unpretentious little book + Of Infelicitous Quotation. + I deem you foolish if you do, + (And Mr. Russell thinks so, too). + + + + + _"Virtue is Its Own Reward"_ + + + Virtue its own reward? Alas! + And what a poor one as a rule! + Be Virtuous and Life will pass + Like one long term of Sunday-School. + (No prospect, truly, could one find + More unalluring to the mind.) + + You may imagine that it pays + To practise Goodness. Not a bit! + You cease receiving any praise + When people have got used to it; + 'Tis generally understood + You find it _easy_ to be good. + + The Model Child has got to keep + His fingers and his garments white; + In church he may not go to sleep, + Nor ask to stop up late at night. + In fact he must not ever do + A single thing he wishes to. + + He may not paddle in his boots, + Like naughty children, at the Sea; + The sweetness of Forbidden Fruits + Is not, alas! for such as he. + He watches, with pathetic eyes, + His weaker brethren make mud-pies. + + He must not answer back, oh no! + However rude grown-ups may be, + But keep politely silent, tho' + He brim with scathing repartee; + For nothing is considered worse + Than scoring off Mamma or Nurse. + + He must not eat too much at meals, + Nor scatter crumbs upon the floor; + However vacuous he feels, + He may not pass his plate for more; + --Not tho' his ev'ry organ ache + For further slabs of Christmas cake. + + He is enjoined to choose his food + From what is easy to digest; + A choice which in itself is good, + But never what _he_ likes the best. + (At times how madly he must wish + For just _one_ real unwholesome dish!) + + And, when the wretched urchin plays + With other little girls and boys, + He has to show unselfish ways + By giving them his choicest toys; + His ears he lets them freely box, + Or pull his lubricated locks. + + His face is always being washed, + His hair perpetually brushed, + And thus his brighter side is squashed, + His human instincts warped and crushed; + Small wonder that his early years + Are filled with "thoughts too deep for tears." + + He is commanded not to waste + The fleeting hours of childhood's days + By giving way to any taste + For circuses or matinées; + For him the entertainments planned + Are "Lectures on the Holy Land." + + He never reads a story book + By Rider H. or Winston C., + In vain upon his desk you'd look + For tales by Richard Harding D.; + Nor could you find upon his shelf + The works of Rudyard--or myself! + + He always fears that he may do + Some action that is _infra dig._, + And so he lives his short life through + In the most noxious rôle of Prig. + ("Short life" I say, for it's agreed + The Good die very young indeed.) + + Ah me! How sad it is to think + He could have lived like me--or you! + With practice and a taste for drink, + Our joys he might have known, he too! + And shared the pleasure _we_ have had + In being gloriously bad! + + The Naughty Boy gets much delight + From doing what he should not do; + But, as such conduct isn't Right, + He sometimes suffers for it, too. + Yet, what's a spanking to the fun + Of leaving vital things Undone? + + If he's notoriously bad, + But for a day should change his ways, + His parents will be all so glad, + They'll shower him with gifts and praise! + (It pays a connoisseur in crimes + To be a perfect saint at times.) + + Of course there always lies the chance + That he is charged with being ill, + And all his innocent romance + Is ruined by a rhubarb pill. + (Alas! 'Tis not alone the Good + That are so much misunderstood.) + + But, as a rule, when he behaves + (Evincing no malarial signs), + His friends are all his faithful slaves, + Until he once again declines + With easy conscience, more or less, + To undiluted wickedness. + + The Wicked flourish like the bay, + At Cards or Love they always win, + Good Fortune dogs their steps all day, + They fatten while the Good grow thin. + The Righteous Man has much to bear; + The Bad becomes a Bullionaire! + + For, though he be the greatest sham, + Luck favours him his whole life through; + At "Bridge" he always makes a Slam + After declaring "Sans atout"; + With ev'ry deal his fate has planned + A hundred Aces in his hand. + + And it is always just the same; + He somehow manages to win, + By mere good fortune, any game + That he may be competing in. + At Golf no bunker breaks his club, + For him the green provides no "rub." + + At Billiards, too, he flukes away + (With quite unnecessary "side"); + No matter what he tries to play, + For him the pockets open wide; + He never finds both balls in baulk, + Or makes miss-cues for want of chalk. + + He swears; he very likely bets; + He even wears a flaming necktie; + Inhales Egyptian cigarettes + And has a "Mens Inconscia Recti"; + Yet, spite of all, one must confess + That naught succeeds like his excess. + + There's no occasion to be Just, + No need for motives that are fine, + To be Director of a Trust, + Or Manager of a Combine; + Your corner is a public curse, + Perhaps; but it will fill your purse. + + Then stride across the Public's bones, + Crush all opponents under you, + Until you "rise on stepping-stones + Of their dead selves"; and, when you do, + The widow's and the orphan's tears + Shall comfort your declining years! + + But having had your boom in oil, + And made your millions out of it, + Would you propose to cease from toil? + Great Vanderfeller! Not a bit! + You've _got_ to labour, day and night, + Until you die--and serve you right! + + Then, when you stop this frenzied race, + And others in your office sit, + You'll leave the world a better place, + --The better for your leaving it! + For there's a chance perhaps your heir + May spend what you've collected there. + + Myself, how lucky I must be, + That need not fear so gross an end; + Since Fortune has not favoured me + With many million pounds to spend. + (Still, did that fickle Dame relent, + I'd show you how they _should_ be spent!) + + I am not saint enough to feel + My shoulder ripen to a wing, + Nor have I wits enough to steal + His title from the Copper King; + And there's a vasty gulf between + The Man I Am and Might Have Been; + + But tho' at dinner I may take + Too much of Heidsieck (extra dry), + And underneath the table make + My simple couch just where I lie, + My mode of roosting on the floor + Is just a trick and nothing more. + + And when, not Wisely but too Well, + My thirst I have contrived to quench, + The stories I am apt to tell + May be, perhaps, a trifle French; + (For 'tis in anecdote, no doubt, + That what's Bred in the Beaune comes out.) + + It does not render me unfit + To give advice, both wise and right, + Because I do not follow it + Myself as closely as I might; + There's nothing that I wouldn't do + To point the proper road to _you_. + + And this I'm sure of, more or less, + And trust that you will all agree, + The Elements of Happiness + Consist in being--just like Me; + No sinner, nor a saint perhaps, + But--well, the very best of chaps. + + Share the Experience I have had, + Consider all I've known and seen, + And Don't be Good, and Don't be Bad, + But cultivate a Golden Mean. + + * * * * * + + What makes Existence _really_ nice + Is Virtue--with a dash of Vice. + + + + + "_Enough is as Good as a Feast._" + + + What is Enough? An idle dream! + One cannot have enough, I swear, + Of Ices or Meringues-and-Cream, + Nougat or Chocolate Eclairs, + Of Oysters or of Caviar, + Of Prawns or Paté de Foie _Grar_! + + Who would not willingly forsake + Kindred and Home, without a fuss, + For Icing from a Birthday Cake, + Or juicy fat Asparagus, + And journey over countless seas + For New Potatoes and Green Peas? + + They say that a Contented Mind + Is a Continual Feast;--but where + The mental frame, and how to find, + Which can with Turtle Soup compare? + No mind, however full of Ease, + Could be Continual Toasted Cheese. + + For dinner have a sole to eat, + (Some Perrier Jouet, '92,) + An Entrée then (and, with the meat, + A bottle of Lafitte will do), + A quail, a glass of port (just one), + Liqueurs and coffee, and you've done. + + But should you want a hearty meal, + And not this gourmet's lightsome snack, + Fill up with terrapin and teal, + Clam chowder, crabs and canvasback; + With all varieties of sauce, + And diff'rent wines for ev'ry course. + + Your tastes may be of simpler type;-- + A homely glass of "half-and-half," + An onion and a dish of tripe, + Or headpiece of the kindly calf. + (Cruel perhaps, but then, you know, + "_'Faut tout souffrir pour être veau!_") + + 'Tis a mistake to eat too much + Of any dishes but the best; + And you, of course, should never touch + A thing you _know_ you can't digest; + For instance, lobster;--if you _do_, + Well,--I'm amayonnaised at you! + + Let this be your heraldic crest, + A bottle (chargé) of Champagne, + A chicken (gorged) with salad (dress'd), + Below, this motto to explain-- + "Enough is Very Good, may be; + Too Much is Good Enough for Me!" + + + + + "_Don't Buy a Pig in a Poke._" + + + Unscrupulous Pigmongers will + Attempt to wheedle and to coax + The ignorant young housewife till + She purchases her pigs in pokes; + Beasts that have got a Lurid Past, + Or else are far Too Good to Last. + + So, should you not desire to be + The victim of a cruel hoax, + Then promise me, ah! promise me, + You will not purchase pigs in pokes! + ('Twould be an error just as big + To poke your purchase in a pig.) + + Too well I know the bitter cost, + To turn this subject off with jokes; + How many a fortune has been lost + By men who purchased pigs in pokes. + (Ah! think on such when you would talk + With mouths that are replete with pork!) + + And, after dinner, round the fire, + Astride of Grandpa's rugged knee, + Implore your bored but patient sire + To tell you what a Poke may be. + The fact he might disclose to you-- + Which is far more than _I_ can do. + + * * * * * + + The Moral of The Pigs and Pokes + Is not to make your choice too quick. + In purchasing a Book of Jokes, + Pray poke around and take your pick. + Who knows how rich a mental meal + The covers of _this_ book conceal? + + + + + "_Learn to Take Things Easily._" + + + To these few words, it seems to me, + A wealth of sound instruction clings; + O Learn to Take things easily-- + Espeshly Other People's Things; + And Time will make your fingers deft + At what is known as Petty Theft. + + Your precious moments do not waste; + Take Ev'rything that isn't tied! + Who knows but you may have a Taste, + A Gift perhaps, for Homicide,-- + (A Mania which, encouraged, thrives + On Taking Other People's Lives). + + "Fools and Their Money soon must part!" + And you can help this on, may be, + If, in the kindness of your Heart, + You Learn to Take things easily; + And be, with little education, + A Prince of Misappropriation. + + + + + "_A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss._" + + + I never understood, I own, + What anybody (with a soul) + Could mean by offering a Stone + This needless warning not to Roll; + And what inducement there can be + To gather Moss I fail to see. + + I'd sooner gather anything, + Like primroses, or news perhaps, + Or even wool (when suffering + A momentary mental lapse); + But could forego my share of moss, + Nor ever realize the loss. + + 'Tis a botanical disease, + And worthy of remark as such; + Lending a dignity to trees, + To ruins a romantic touch. + A timely adjunct, I've no doubt, + But not worth writing home about. + + Of all the Stones I ever met, + In calm repose upon the ground, + I really never found one yet + With a desire to roll around; + Theirs is a stationary rôle,-- + (A joke,--and feeble on the whole). + + But, if I were a stone, I swear + I'd sooner move and view the World + Than sit and grow the greenest hair + That ever Nature combed and curled. + I see no single saving grace + In being known as "Mossyface!" + + Instead, I might prove useful for + A weapon in the hand of Crime, + A paperweight, a milestone, or + A missile at Election time; + In each capacity I could + Do quite incalculable good. + + When well directed from the Pit, + I might promote a welcome death, + If fortunate enough to hit + Some budding Hamlet or Macbeth, + Who twice each day the playhouse fills,-- + (For further Notice See Small Bills). + + At concerts, too, if you prefer, + I could prevent your growing deaf, + By silencing the amateur + Before she reached that upper F.; + Or else, in lieu of half-a-brick, + Restrain some local Kubelik. + + Then, human stones, take my advice, + (As you should always do, indeed); + This proverb may be very nice, + But don't you pay it any heed, + And, tho' you make the critics cross, + Roll on, and never mind the moss. + + + + + "_After Dinner Sit a While; After + Supper Walk a Mile._" + + + After luncheon sit awhile, + 'Tis an admirable plan; + After dinner walk a mile-- + But make certain that you _can_. + (Were you not this maxim taught;-- + "Good is Wrought by want of Port.") + + After dinner think on this; + Join the ladies with a smile, + And remember that a Miss + Is as good as any mile. + (Thus you may be led to feel + What Amis felt for Amile.) + + Never fear of being shy + At the houses where you dine; + You'll recover by-and-bye, + With the second glass of wine; + And can recognize with bliss + That a Meal is not amiss. + + + + + "_It is Never Too Late to Mend._" + + + Since it can never be too late + To change your life, or else renew it, + Let the unpleasant process wait + Until you are _compelled_ to do it. + The State provides (and gratis too) + Establishments for such as you. + + Remember this, and pluck up heart, + That, be you publican or parson, + Your ev'ry art must have a start, + From petty larceny to arson; + And even in the burglar's trade, + The cracksman is not born, but made. + + So, if in your career of crime, + You fail to carry out some "coup", + Then try again a second time, + And yet again, until you _do_; + And don't despair, or fear the worst, + Because you get found out at first. + + Perhaps the battle will not go, + On all occasions, to the strongest; + You may be fairly certain tho' + That He Laughs Last who laughs the Longest. + So keep a good reserve of laughter, + Which may be found of use hereafter. + + Believe me that, howe'er well meant, + A Good Resolve is always brief; + Don't let your precious hours be spent + In turning over a new leaf. + Such leaves, like Nature's, soon decay, + And then are only in the way. + + The Road to--well, a certain spot, + (A Road of very fair dimensions), + Has, so the proverb tells us, got + A parquet-floor of Good Intentions. + Take care, in your desire to please, + You do not add a brick to these. + + For there may come a moment when + You shall be mended willy-nilly, + With many more misguided men, + Whose skill is undermined with skilly. + Till then procrastinate, my friend; + "It _Never_ is Too Late to Mend!" + + + + + "_A Bad Workman Complains of his Tools._" + + + This Pen of mine is simply grand, + I never loved a pen so much; + This Paper (underneath my hand) + Is really a delight to touch; + And never in my life, I think, + Did I make use of finer ink. + + The Subject upon which I write + Is everything that I could choose; + I seldom knew my Wits more bright, + More cosmopolitan my Views; + Nor ever did my Head contain + So surplus a supply of Brain! + + + + + _Potpourri._ + + + There are many more Maxims to which + I would like to accord a front place, + But alas! I have got + To omit a whole lot, + For the lack of available space; + And the rest I am forced to boil down and condense + To the following Essence of Sound without Sense: + + + Now the Pitcher that journeys too oft + To the Well will get broken at last. + But you'll find it a fact + That, by using some tact, + Such a danger as this can be past. + (There's an obvious way, and a simple, you'll own, + Which is, if you're a Pitcher, to Let Well alone.) + + + Half a loafer is never well-bred, + And Self-Praise is a Dangerous Thing. + And the Mice are at play + When the Cat is away, + For a moment, inspecting a King. + (Tho' if Care kills a Cat, as the Proverbs declare, + It is right to suppose that the King will take care.) + + + Don't Halloo till you're out of the Wood, + When a Stitch in Good Time will save nine, + While a Bird in the Hand + Is worth Two, understand, + In the Bush that Needs no Good Wine. + (Tho' the two, if they _Can_ sing but Won't, have been known, + By an accurate aim to be killed with one Stone.) + + + Never Harness the Cart to the Horse; + Since the latter should be _à la carte_. + And Birds of a Feather + Come Flocking Together, + Because they can't well Flock Apart. + (You may cast any Bread on the Waters, I think, + But, unless I'm mistaken, you can't make it Sink.) + + + It is only the Fool who remarks + That there Can't be a Fire without Smoke; + Has he never yet learned + How the gas can be turned + On the best incombustible coke? + (Would you value a man by the checks on his suits, + And forget "_que c'est le premier passbook qui Coutts_?") + + + Now "_De Mortuis Nil Nisi Bo- + num_," is Latin, as ev'ryone owns; + If your domicile be + Near a Mortuaree, + You should always avoid throwing bones. + (I would further remark, if I could,--but I couldn't-- + That People Residing in Glasshouses shouldn't.) + + + You have heard of the Punctual Bird, + Who was First in presenting his Bill; + But I pray you'll be firm, + And remember the Worm + Had to get up much earlier still; + (So that, if you _can't_ rise in the morning, then Don't; + And be certain that Where there's a Will there's a Won't.) + + + You can give a bad name to a Dog, + And hang him by way of excuse; + Whereas Hunger, of course, + Is by far the Best Sauce + For the Gander as well as the Goose. + (But you shouldn't judge anyone just by his looks, + For a Surfeit of Broth ruins too many Cooks.) + + + With the fact that Necessity knows + Nine Points of the Law, you'll agree. + There are just as Good Fish + To be found on a Dish + As you ever could catch in the Sea. + (You should Look ere you Leap on a Weasel Asleep, + And I've also remarked That Still Daughters Run Cheap.) + + + The much trodden-on Lane _will_ Turn, + And a Friend is in Need of a Friend; + But the Wisest of Saws, + Like the Camel's Last Straws, + Or the Longest of Worms, have an end. + So, before out of Patience a Virtue you make, + A decisive farewell of these maxims we'll take. + + + + + _Envoi._ + + _"Don't Look a Gifthorse in the Mouth"_ + + + I knew a man, who lived down South; + He thought this maxim to defy; + He looked a Gifthorse in the Mouth; + The Gifthorse bit him in the Eye! + And, while the steed enjoyed his bite, + My Southern friend mislaid his sight. + + Now, had this foolish man, that day, + Observed the Gifthorse in the _Heel_, + It might have kicked his brains away, + But that's a loss he would not feel; + Because you see (need I explain?) + My Southern friend had got no brain. + + When anyone to you presents + A poodle, or a pocketknife, + A set of Ping-pong instruments, + A banjo or a Lady-wife, + 'Tis churlish, as I understand, + To grumble that they're second-hand. + + And he who termed Ingratitude + As "worser nor a servant's tooth" + Was evidently well imbued + With all the elements of Truth; + (While he who said "Uneasy lies + The tooth that wears a crown" was wise). + + "One must be poor," George Eliot said, + "To know the luxury of giving;" + So too one really should be dead + To realize the joy of living. + (I'd sooner be--I don't know which-- + I'd _like_ to be alive and rich!) + + _This_ book may be a Gifthorse too, + And one you surely ought to prize; + If so, I beg you, read it through + With kindly and uncaptious eyes, + Not grumbling because this particular line doesn't happen to scan, + And this one doesn't rhyme! + + + + + _Aftword._ + + + 'Tis done! We reach the final page, + With feelings of relief, I'm certain; + And there arrives at such a stage, + The moment to ring down the curtain. + (This metaphor is freely taken + From Shakespeare--or perhaps from Bacon.) + + The Book perused, our Future brings + A plethora of blank to-morrows, + When memories of Happier Things + Will be our Sorrow's Crown of Sorrows. + (I trust you recognize this line + As being Tennyson's, not mine.) + + My verses may indeed be few, + But are they not, to quote the poet, + "The sweetest things that ever grew + Beside a human door"? I know it. + (What an _in_human door would be, + Enquire of Wordsworth, please, not me.) + + 'Twas one of my most cherished dreams + To write a Moral Book some day; + What says the Bard? "The best laid schemes + Of Mice and Men gang aft agley!" + (The Bard here mentioned, by the bye, + Is Robbie Burns, of course--not I.) + + And tho' my pen records each thought + As swift as the phonetic Pitman, + Morality is not my "forte," + O Camarados! (_vide_ Whitman) + And, like the Porcupine, I still + Am forced to ply a fretful quill. + + We may be Master of our Fate, + (As Henley was inspired to mention) + Yet am I but the Second Mate + Upon the ss. "Good Intention"; + For me the course direct is lacking-- + I have to do a deal of tacking. + + To seek for Morals here's a task + Of which you well may be despairing; + "What has become of them?" you ask, + They've given us the slip--like Waring. + "Look East!" said Browning once, and I + Would make a similar reply. + + Look East, where in a garret drear, + The Author works, without cessation, + Composing verses for a mere- + ly nominal remuneration; + And, while he has the strength to write 'em, + Will do so still--_ad infinitum_. + + + + + FINIS. + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + +The words 'bo-num' and 'mere-ly' were retained hyphenated at the ends of +lines to match the printed edition and maintain the poetical intent of +the author. + +Changed 'Heidsick' to 'Heidsieck.' + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Perverted Proverbs, by +Harry Graham, (AKA Col. D. 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