diff options
Diffstat (limited to '34754-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 34754-h/34754-h.htm | 14620 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 34754-h/images/i_331.png | bin | 0 -> 706 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 34754-h/images/i_368.png | bin | 0 -> 429 bytes |
3 files changed, 14620 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/34754-h/34754-h.htm b/34754-h/34754-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eca88cb --- /dev/null +++ b/34754-h/34754-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,14620 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Second Series, by Robert H. Newell. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + h5 {padding-top: 2em;} + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /*visibility: hidden;*/ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + color: gray; + } /* page numbers */ + + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; font-size: smaller} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .right {text-align: right;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i6 {display: block; margin-left: 6em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + + p.centeredtitle {text-align: center; font-size: 0.85em; margin-top: 2.2em;} + p.poemtitle {margin-left: 10%; padding-left: 0em; font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 2.2em;} + p.poemauthor {margin-left: 10%; padding-left: 0em; font-size: 0.7em; margin-top: 2.2em;} + p.poemsectionheader {margin-left: 10%; padding-left: 0em; font-size: 0.7em; margin-top: 3.2em; margin-bottom: 0em} + p.gentitle {text-align: center; font-size: 1em; margin-top: 2.2em; margin-bottom: 2.2em;} + .tochdr {font-weight: bold; text-align: center; font-size: 1.0em; padding-bottom: 1em} + .tocdsc {font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: .75em; margin-bottom: .75em; text-indent: -2em; + padding-left: 2.5em; line-height: 1em;} + .tocpge {text-align: right; vertical-align: bottom; padding-left: 1em;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2, by Robert H. Newell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2 + +Author: Robert H. Newell + +Release Date: December 26, 2010 [EBook #34754] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS, SERIES 2 *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Henry Gardiner and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="center" style="width: 25em; margin: auto; border: solid 1px; padding: 1em;"> +Transcriber's note: The original publication has been replicated faithfully except as listed +<a href="#Corrections" name="Start" id="Start">here</a>. +</div> + +<!--002.png--> + + + + +<hr /> + +<h1>THE<br /> + +ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.<br /></h1> + +<h2>SECOND SERIES.<br /></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>NEW YORK:</h3> +<h3><i>Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway.</i></h3> +<h6>(LATE RUDD & CARLETON.)</h6> +<h4>M DCCC LXIII.</h4> + +<hr /> + +<!--003.png--> + +<p class="center">Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1862.</p> + +<p class="center">By GEO. W. CARLETON.</p> + +<p class="center">In the Clerk's office of the District Court +for the Southern District of New York.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<!--004.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[p. v]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> + +<table summary="Table of Contents"> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LIII">LETTER LIII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," AND + PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS + STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_9">9</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LIV">LETTER LIV.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL LITERATURE, + AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE READ BY OUR CORRESPONDENT + BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_17">17</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LV">LETTER LV.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS, AND DESCRIBING + THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE OF DUCK LAKE + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_60">60</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LVI">LETTER LVI.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE BY THE EXECUTIVE, + AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE FESTIVE SHENANDOAH + VALLEY + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_69">69</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LVII">LETTER LVII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING A FAMILIAR + SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE RURAL DISTRICTS + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_80">80</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LVIII">LETTER LVIII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED AN AFFECTING + GENERAL ORDER, EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES OF A SPADE CAMPAIGN AS + EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF + NAVAL STRATEGY + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_88">88</a> + </td> + </tr> +<!--005.png--> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LIX">LETTER LIX.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, AND + NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN + VILLIAM BROWN + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_97">97</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LX">LETTER LX.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AND + THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH POETS + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_105">105</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXI">LETTER LXI.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY, DESCRIBING + THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING THE LATEST EXPLOIT OF + THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING A DRAFTING ITEM + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_118">118</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXII">LETTER LXII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF AMERICA, + AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE GENERAL + OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK RACE + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_128">128</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXIII">LETTER LXIII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," AND CELEBRATING + THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVACUATION OF PARIS BY THE MACKEREL + BRIGADE + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_138">138</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXIV">LETTER LXIV.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + SHOWING HOW THE CO-MOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE + "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR M. BONBON'S FRENCH STORY + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_143">143</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXV">LETTER LXV.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE + UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAID OF THE RECKLESS CONFEDERACY + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_166">166</a> + </td> + </tr> +<!--006.png--> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXVI">LETTER LXVI.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN SINGLE COMBAT + WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING "L'AMOUR" AND "LA FEMME" + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_174">174</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXVII">LETTER LXVII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL, EXEMPLIFYING + COLONEL WOBINSON'S DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND NARRATING A + GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_184">184</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXVIII">LETTER LXVIII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS "LAMENT," + AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_196">196</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXIX">LETTER LXIX.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL CAPITAL, AND + NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_220">220</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXX">LETTER LXX.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF SPURIOSO + GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF CAPTAIN + SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_228">228</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXI">LETTER LXXI.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE + ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN + WROTE A RADICAL POEM + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_238">238</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXII">LETTER LXXII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND DESCRIBING + THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_250">250</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXIII">LETTER LXXIII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AT WHICH + THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR STORIES + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_260">260</a> + </td> + </tr> +<!--007.png--> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXIV">LETTER LXXIV.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, THE CHAPLAIN'S + POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE HEAD, AND + THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION BY THE SOUTHERN + CONFEDERACY + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_299">299</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXV">LETTER LXXV.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD AGE RESPECTIVELY, + AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY MADE ANOTHER + RAID + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_310">310</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXVI">LETTER LXXVI.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING THE + LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND NOTING THE COURT OF INQUIRY + ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_320">320</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXVII">LETTER LXXVII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE PRESIDENT, + NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE ABOUT A BRITISH FLAG, + AND INDICATING THE STRATEGIC ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_328">328</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXVIII">LETTER LXXVIII.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB + IS DULY REPORTED + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_337">337</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" class="tochdr"> + <a href="#LETTER_LXXIX">LETTER LXXIX.</a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tocdsc"> + SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A STRANGE BLUNDER; + HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE WAS REMOVED + AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE + </td> + <td class="tocpge"> + <a href="#Page_358">358</a> + </td> + </tr> +</table> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<!--008.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[p. 9]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2>THE<br /> + +ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.</h2> + +<h3>SECOND SERIES.</h3> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="LETTER_LIII" id="LETTER_LIII"></a>LETTER LIII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," +AND PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES +ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY +THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 6, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>When in the course of human events, my boy, it +becomes necessary for a chap of respectable parentage +to write a full and graphic account of a great battle, +without exasperating the press-censor by naming the +locality of the conflict, nor giving the number of the +troops engaged, the officers commanding, the movements +of the different regiments, the nature of the +ground, the time of day, or the result of the struggle; +when it becomes necessary for a chap of respectable +parentage to do this, my boy, that chap reminds me +of a poor chap I once knew in the Sixth Ward.</p> + +<p>The poor chap took daguerreotype-likenesses in +<!--009.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[p. 10]</a></span> +high style for low prices, and one day, there came to +his third-story Louvre a good-looking young man, +dressed in a high botanical vest-pattern and six large-sized +breast-pins, and says he to the picture chap, confidentially:</p> + +<p>"There's a young woman living in Henry-street, +which I love, and who admires to see my manly +shape; but her paternal father refuses to receive me +into the family on account of my low celery. Now," +says the breastpin-chap, knowingly, "I will give you +just twenty-five dollars if you'll go to that house and +take the portrait of that young lady for me, pretending +that you have heard of her unearthly charms, and +want her picture, to add to the collection shortly to be +sent to the Prince of Wales."</p> + +<p>Having witnessed the worst passions of his landlord +that morning, my boy, and received a telegraphic +dispatch of immediate importance from his tailor, the +artist chap heard about the twenty-five dollar job +with a species of deep rapture, and undertook to do +the job. He went to the Henry-street palatial mansion +with his smallest camera under his arm, and when +he got into the parlor he sent for the young lady. +But she didn't see it in that light, my boy, and she +wouldn't come down. For a moment the poor chap +was in a fix; but he was there to take her portrait, or +perish in the attempt, and as he saw an oil-painting +of the young girl over the mantelpiece, he took that, +and skedaddled. The next day the breastpin-chap +called at his Louvre again, and says to him:</p> + +<p>"Have you taken Sary's portrait?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," says the artist chap, "I took it." +<!--010.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[p. 11]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Where is it?" says the breastpin-chap with emotion.</p> + +<p>"There it is," says the artist-chap, pointing to the oil-painting, +with a pleasing expression of countenance.</p> + +<p>As high art is not appreciated in this country, my +boy, a policeman called at the Louvre that afternoon +and removed the artist-chap to a place which is so +musical that all the windows have bars, and each man +carries a stave.</p> + +<p>As my taste for music is not uncontrollable at present, +my boy, and I can't write a full account of a battle, +without referring in some degree to the struggle, +which we are forbidden to mention, I shall not be particular +as to details.</p> + +<p>I am permitted to say that I went down to Paris +with my gothic steed Pegasus on Monday last, and +found the Mackerel Brigade coming back across Duck +Lake with the frantic intention of changing its base of +operations. The Conic Section, my boy, had been ordered +to advance and force the Southern Confederacy +to compel it to retreat, and the rapidity with which +this was accomplished was a brilliant vindication of +the consummate strategy of the general of the Mackerel +Brigade. I found the general a few miles back +of the scene of action issuing orders—for the same, +with a little more sugar, and says I:</p> + +<p>"Well, my indefatigable Napoleon, have you +changed your base successfully?"</p> + +<p>The general smiled like a complacent porpoise, and +says he:</p> + +<p>"We've reached our second base, my friend, being +compelled to do so by the treble force of the enemy." +<!--011.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[p. 12]</a></span></p> + +<p>I went on to the second base, which I reached just +in time to see Captain Villiam Brown, on his geometrical +steed Euclid, arresting the flight of Company 3, +Regiment 5, under Captain Samyule Sa-mith.</p> + +<p>"Samyule! Samyule!" says Villiam, feeling behind +him to make sure that his canteen was all right, "is +this the way you treat the United States of America at +such a critical period in her distracted history?"</p> + +<p>"I scorn your insinivation," says Samyule, "and +repel your observation. I am executing a rapid flank +movement according to Hardee."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, "excuse my flighty remarks. +I do not mean to say that you can be frightened," says +Villiam, soothingly; "but it's my opinion that your +mother was very much annoyed by a large-sized <i>fly</i> +just before you were added to the census of the United +States of America."</p> + +<p>Villiam's idea of the connection between cause and +effect, my boy, is as clear as a brandy-punch when +the sugar settles.</p> + +<p>The battle now raged in a manner which I am not +permitted to describe, with results I am not allowed +to communicate. Villiam appeared wherever the fray +was the thickest, waving his celebrated sword Escalibar +(Anglo-Saxon of crowbar), and encouraging all +the faint-hearted ones to get between himself and the +blazing Confederacy. Borne a considerable distance +backward by the force of circumstances, he had +reached a comparatively clear spot in the rear, when +he suddenly found himself confronted by Captain +Munchausen, of the Southern Confederacy.</p> + +<p>Captain Munchausen was mounted upon the thinnest +<!--012.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[p. 13]</a></span> +excuse for four legs that I ever saw, my boy; +and what tempted nature to form such an excuse +when the same amount of bone-work would have +brought more money, it was not for mortal man to +know.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" says Villiam, hastily reining-up Euclid, and +touching his sword Escalibar, ominously, "we meet +once more to discuss the great national question of +personal carnage."</p> + +<p>"Sir," says Captain Munchausen, superciliously +waving his keen edged poker and drawing his fiery +steed up from his knees, "it is my private intention +to produce some slaughter in a private family of the +name of Brown."</p> + +<p>Fire flashed from Villiam's eyes, he replaced a +small flask in his bosom, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Come on, and let the fight come off."</p> + +<p>Then, my boy, commenced a series of equestrian +manœuvres calculated to exemplify all the latest improvements +in cavalry tactics and patent circusses.—Round +and round each other rode the fierce foemen, +bobbing convulsively in their saddles like exasperated +jumping-jacks, and cutting the atmosphere into minute +slices with their deadly blades. Now did the determined +Villiam amble sideways toward the rebel, +thrusting fiercely at him when only a few yards intervened +between them; and anon did the foaming Munchausen +wriggle fiercely backward against the +haunches of the steed Euclid, slashing right and left +with tumultuous perspiration.</p> + +<p>It was when this thrilling combat was at the hottest +that the steed Euclid, being exasperated by a large +<!--013.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[p. 14]</a></span> +blue-bottle fly, arose airily to his hind legs, and carried +the Union champion right on top of his enemy. Down +came the glittering Escalibar on the shoddy helmet of +the astonished Munchausen; but the deadly blade +was not sharp enough for its purpose, and only caused +the foeman to make hasty profane remarks.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, bitterly, eyeing his sword as +Euclid waltzed backward, "I forgot to sharpen my +brand after cutting that last plate of smoke-beef."</p> + +<p>"Surrender!" shouted the unmanly Munchausen, +noticing that Villiam was sheathing his blade, and +bearing gracefully down upon him in an elaborate +equestrian polka.</p> + +<p>"Never!" says Villiam, drawing his revolver, and +firing madly into the setting sun.</p> + +<p>Swiftly as the lightning flashes did the Confederate +champion follow suit with his pistol, sending a bullet +horribly whizzing into the nearest tree.</p> + +<p>"Die!" shouted Villiam, prancing excitedly in all +directions, and delivering another shot. Then he +gazed upon his revolver with an expression of inexpressible +woe. The weapon had deceived him!</p> + +<p>"Perish!" roared Munchausen, discharging another +barrel as he went hopping about. After which, he +ground his teeth, and gazed upon his pistol with +speechless fury. The weapon had played him false!</p> + +<p>I was gazing with breathless interest on this desperate +encounter, my boy, expecting to see more +slaughter, when Captain Munchausen suddenly +turned his spirited stallion, and fled frantically +from the scene; for he had heard the shouts of the approaching +<!--014.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[p. 15]</a></span> +Mackerels, and did not care to be taken +just then.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" says Villiam, gazing severely at Company 3, +Regiment 5, as it came pouring forward, "has the +Southern Confederacy concluded to submit to the +United States of America?"</p> + +<p>What the answer was, my boy, I am not allowed to +say; but you may rest satisfied that a thing has been +done which I am not permitted to divulge; and should +this lead, as I hope it will, to a movement I am not +suffered to make public, it cannot fail to result in a +consummation which I am forbidden to make known. +But if, on the other hand, the strategic movement +which I am not at liberty to describe should be followed +by a stroke I am restrained from explaining, +you will find that the effect it would not be judicious +in me to set forth, will produce a consequence which +the War Department denies me the privilege of developing.</p> + +<p>I was speaking to a New England Congress chap, +this morning, concerning the recent events which I +am compelled to remain silent about, and, says he: +"The proper way to save the Union is to bewilder the +rebels by issuing calls for fresh troops at breakfast-time, +and countermanding the calls as soon as the coffee +comes in. Strategy," says the grave legislative +chap, thoughtfully, "is not confined to the tented +field; it may be used with good effect by Cabinet +ministers; and our recent proposal to reduce the +army 150,000 men was a piece of consummate legislative +strategy."</p> + +<p>Legislative strategy is a very good thing to bewilder +<!--015.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[p. 16]</a></span> +the rebels, my boy; and if it also bewilders everybody +else, the moral effect of the adjournment of Congress +will prove rather beneficial than otherwise to +our distracted country.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, under suppression,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /> +</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<!--016.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[p. 17]</a></span></p> +<h3><a name="LETTER_LIV" id="LETTER_LIV"></a>LETTER LIV.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL +LITERATURE, AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE +READ BY OUR CORRESPONDENT BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN +CLUB.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 9th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>A few weeks ago, my boy, when national strategy +seemed rapidly coming to a distinct understanding +with the American Eagle, and the fall of Richmond +had resolved itself into a mere question of time—as +slightly distinguished from Eternity,—I became a +member of the Cosmopolitan Club.</p> + +<p>This club, my boy, is a select draft from the host of +clumsy but respectable foreigners now assembled here +to criticize the military performances of our distracted +country, and I have the honor to represent my native +land, <i>solus</i>, in it. Its members are, a civilized Russian +chap named Vitchisvitch, a Turk named N. E. +Ottoman, an Englishman named Smith-Brown, a +Frenchman named Bonbon, a German named Tuyfeldock, +a Spaniard and myself.</p> + +<p>The object of this small international organization, +which meets once every three weeks, is to advance +the cause of free and easy literature in the lulls of +national strife, and preserve coherent ideality and +tolerable grammar from falling into disuse. The +<!--017.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[p. 18]</a></span> +foreign chaps, my boy, all speak much better English +than a majority of our brigadiers; and in order to +give a system to our proceedings, it has been resolved, +that each of us, in turn, shall relate an old-fashioned +story relating to his own particular country; and that +all shall take pains to contribute miscellaneous items +for the general delectation of the club.</p> + +<p>The privilege of producing the first story was voted +to me, my boy, and at the meeting of the Cosmopolitan +last evening, I produced from my pocket a manuscript +already secured from me by a wealthy journal +(<span class="smcap">Vanity Fair.</span>—<span class="smcap">Ed.</span>) +for a fabulous sum, and proceeded to regale assembled +Europe with</p> + + +<h5>A QUARTER OF TWELVE.</h5> + + +<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER I.—F. F. VICISSITUDES.</p> + +<p>The forces of the Southern Confederacy—so called +because a majority of them were forced into the service—had +just won another glorious victory over their +disinclination to retreat, and were rapidly following it +up, propelled by the National Army. The richest +and best blood of the South was profusely running for +the cause to which it was devoted, accompanied by +those notable possessors in whose cases it poured in +vein.</p> + +<p>Seated at his breakfast-table in the city of Richmond, +with his wife for a <i>vis-a-vis</i> at a board that +might well have groaned for more things than one, +and his daughter at his right hand, was Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, +<!--018.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[p. 19]</a></span> +a scion of one of those Virginia Families very properly +designated as "First" for the reason that no other +Families on earth have ever felt inclined to second +them in anything.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> was a personage of fiery and chivalrous +visage, from the lower circumference of which depended +iron-grey whiskers, so similar in shape to the +caudal appendage of a mule, that one might suppose +nature to have intended the construction of an <i>asinus +domesticus</i> when first she commenced to mould the +mortal material, but, having inadvertently planted the +tail at the wrong end, was satisfied to finish him off as +a man. His hair was too much of a brush in its own +character to agree well with an artificial brush in the +objective case; he wore a <i>robe de chambre</i> richly illustrated +with impossible flowers growing on improbable +soil—let us say on holey ground; his nether continuations +were spotted here and there with diminutive +banners of broadcloth secession, and it was noticeable +as he stretched his feet under the table that his slippers +had once done duty as crochet watch-cases.</p> + +<p>The table spread for the morning meal was peculiarly +Virginiatic, being very rich in plate and poor in +provender; for hoe-cake and fried Carolina potatoes +were the only eatables visible, whilst the usual places +of coffee-pot, bread-plate and salt-cellar were supplied +with cards inscribed: "Coffee $20 per lb., in consequence +of Blockade."—"Flour $24 per bbl."—"Salt +$25 per lb." If any member of the Family felt inclined +to wish for any of these last articles, he, or she, +had but to glance at the card substitutes to lose instantaneously +<!--019.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[p. 20]</a></span> +all appetite for said articles. There was +philosophy in this idea, <i>mon ami</i>.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Libby</span>," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, addressing his daughter, +whose auburn curls and pretty face were none the less +attractive because they crowned what seemed to be a +troubled fountain of extremely loud calico with a dash +of moonlight on top—"<span class="smcap">Libby</span>," said he, "pass me the +morning journal."</p> + +<p>The morning journal, which had recently augmented +its value as a family and commercial sheet by coming +out on superior wrapping paper, was passed to her +father by <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, she having first satisfied herself, with +a sigh of disappointment, that the list of deaths did +not contain the name of a single one of her friends.</p> + +<p>Woman, <i>mon ami</i>, does not regard death as you +and I do. To her it is a sleep in which the slumberer +himself becomes a dream for the rest of the world; +and its announcement is to her the mere evening breeze +that softly lifts another leaf in the sacred Volume of +Memory, and lets the starlight, falling through a +shower of tears, rest on a name henceforth to live immortal +in the heart. I was told this by a young lady +who wears spectacles and writes for the Boston press.</p> + +<p>As Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> perused the latest news from the +seat of war, his bosom heaved to such an extent that +one or two of the pins confining the front of his dressing-gown +to his throat gave out. "<span class="smcap">Honoria</span>," said +he, addressing his quiet little wife, who was spasmodically +eating and repairing a rent in her dress simultaneously,—"we +have again defeated the hordes of +<span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>, and I think, my dear, that we had better get +ready to leave Richmond. The <i>Enquirer</i> says: 'Yesterday +<!--020.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[p. 21]</a></span> +a half a hundred of our troops were attacked +near Fredericksburg by nearly forty thousand Yankees, +whom they compelled to retreat after them +toward this city. We took four hundred prisoners +who will be demanded of the enemy immediately, +and all of our men, save the messenger bringing the +news, are now briskly pushing forward in the direction +of Fort Lafayette.' You see, my dear, we always +whip them inland. The Yankees gain all their victories +on water."</p> + +<p>Which is very true; for it is as much a fact that +the national troops win their triumphs on water, as it +is that the rebels do <i>their</i> best on whiskey.</p> + +<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> made no verbal reply to her husband's +exultations, but assumed that simpering expression of +countenance by which ladies are accustomed to denote +their amiable willingness to swallow without question +whatever the speaker may say.</p> + +<p>"Providence is evidently favorable to the South," +continued the head of the Family, impressively, "and +has thus far treated us in a gentlemanly manner; but +should it happen, <span class="smcap">Honoria</span>, that the Hessian vandals +of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span> <i>should</i> reach this city, I myself will be the +first to fire all I hold dear, rather than let it fall into +the hands of the invader. Yes!" exclaimed Mr. +<span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> with enthusiasm, rising from his chair and +moving excitedly toward the door of the apartment,—"with +my own hands would I apply the torch to +you and to my child."</p> + +<p>"O <span class="smcap">Victor</span>," said Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, with tears springing +to her eyes, "I reckon you would."</p> + +<p>"Aside from the wrongs of the South," continued +<!--021.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[p. 22]</a></span> +the inspired <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, pushing his bowie-knife a little +further round behind his back, that it might not hurt +his hip,—"we have Family losses to avenge. Only +yesterday, my uncle was struck at Yorktown +with a shell that completely tore his head from his +body."</p> + +<p>"How perfectly absurd!" ejaculated the hitherto +silent <span class="smcap">Libby</span>.</p> + +<p>"Why it's actually ridiculous," said Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>.</p> + +<p>And so it was. The sex have a keen perception of +the ludicrous.</p> + +<p>"How I wish that our vigilants had caught that +low-minded Abolition whelp, <span class="smcap">Peters</span>," continued the +Virginian, grinding his teeth; "but he disappeared +so suddenly that day, that I was entirely bewildered. +To think that the hound—my cousin's son as he is—should +dare to demand payment of a bill from a +Southern gentleman! He will find congenial souls +among <span class="smcap">Lincoln's</span> hordes, I reckon."</p> + +<p>The speaker evidently recognized the fact that a man +with a bill to collect would derive very little benefit +from Southern hoards, at any rate.</p> + +<p>A close observer might have noticed that Miss +<span class="smcap">Libby's</span> cheeks betrayed the faintest tint of virgin wine +at this last speech of her father's; but as it is not my +business to inquire the wine wherefore of everything, +I shall say no more about that at present.</p> + +<p>While speaking, the paternal <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> had placed his +hand unconsciously as it were on the knob of the +door; and now, with a sudden movement, he opened +the door. Or rather, he simply turned the knob; for +the door fairly forced itself open against him, and +<!--022.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[p. 23]</a></span> +there unexpectedly tumbled half way into the room a +somewhat venerable person from Afric's sunny fountains. +From the manner in which this colored person +fell across the sill, it was evident that he had been +upon his knees the instant before.</p> + +<p>The ladies uttered little shrieks and then went on +with their hoe-cake; but Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> viewed the intruder +with a glance of suspicion.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, you black reskel!" said he, in a suppressed +manner, "what are you doing here?"</p> + +<p>The oppressed African, who, like most slaves was +pious, rose to his feet with touching humility, and said +he:</p> + +<p>"Ise watchin', Mars'r, for de Angel of de Lor'."</p> + +<p>"Oh," returned the haughty Virginian, scorning to +show how deeply he was affected, "you're watchin' +for that, are you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Mars'r," said the attached slave; "and I hab +pray dat my good Mars'r may gib up drinkin' and +be one of the good angels too. Oh, Mars'r <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, I +hab wrastle much for you in prayer."</p> + +<p>I know not how that slaveholder's heart was affected +by this beautiful instance of his humble bondman's +devotion; but I do know, <i>mon ami</i>, that he reached +forth his right hand, seized the chattel by the collar, +and was heard to carry on a blasphemous conversation +with him for the space of fifteen minutes thereafter, +in the hall. +<!--023.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[p. 24]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER II.—"ROBERT, ROBERT TOI QUE J'AIME."</p> + +<p>In a room directly over the one last mentioned—a +room whose only furniture was a rude bedstead, a +looking-glass with a writing-table under it and a gas-bracket +extending half way across it, and a lounge extemporized +from three tea-boxes and a quilt—stood +Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, aged twenty-three, a bachelor and a +fellow man. The time was just twenty-four hours +after the scene depicted in my first chapter, and as the +rays of the sunny Southern sun poured through a window +upon the figure of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, they revealed +an individual who was evidently unable, just then, to +make a raise himself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Robert</span> was a tall, smooth-faced, good-natured-looking +youth, wearing a coat that buttoned up to his very +chin and was painfully shiney at its various angles, +corners, and button-holes; a pair of inexpressibles very +roomy and equally glossy about the knees; a brace of +carpet slippers, and (although indoors) a hat in a +"Marie Stuart" condition. That is to say, the style +of hat worn thus inappropriately by Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, +corresponded to a fashion in vogue with the ladies not +long ago, when the latter imagined that a bonnet very +much mashed down in front caused each and all of +them to present a touching and life-like resemblance +to the unfortunate Queen of Scots. In fact, this bonnet +did really give them just about such a frightened +look as they might be supposed to wear should some +<!--024.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[p. 25]</a></span> +modern <span class="smcap">Elizabeth Tudor</span> order them all to instant execution.</p> + +<p>Adding to the consideration of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>' +severely straitened costume the fact that he was smoking +an incredibly cheap segar, it is reasonable to infer +that he was rather hard-up when awake and not +much troubled with soft down when asleep.</p> + +<p>Viewing Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> financially and judging +him by a golden rule, one could see about him considerable +that was due unto others, as each of the +others was likely to be dun unto him.</p> + +<p>"Bless my soul!" soliloquized Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, +hastily turning from a long and profound contemplation +of himself in the mirror and commencing to pace +noiselessly up and down the room,—"here's misery! +Shut up in the garret of one of the First Families, with +a chap thirsting for my blood at the head of the domestic +circle down stairs, and the whole Confederacy +ready to bolt me without salt—which is very dear here +just now. Here's a situation for an unmarried man!" +exclaimed Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, insanely tearing his "Marie +Stuart" from his head and bitterly crunching it in +his hand—"confined here as a prisoner by the young +woman of my affections to save my life from her own +father's sanguinary designs. Upon my soul!" groaned +Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, drearily slapping his left leg, "it's +enough to make me take to drinking, and I—"</p> + +<p>"Dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>!"</p> + +<p>Were you ever awakened from a horrid nightmare +dream of capital punishment and sudden death, <i>mon +ami</i>, by the soft, persuasive voice of woman calling you +to a breakfast of etherial rolls and new-born eggs? If +<!--025.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[p. 26]</a></span> +so, you can understand the feelings of Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> +when these fond words roused him from his terrible +reverie.</p> + +<p>He spun blithely round on his dexter heel, absorbed +the faithful <span class="smcap">Libby</span> to his manly breast, and incontinently +kissed for his lips a coating of lustrous bandoline +from the head of the fashionable maiden.</p> + +<p>"Oh bliss!" ejaculated Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, standing +on one foot by way of intensifying the sensation, "my +angel visits me in my dungeon, as angels visited other +good men in the Scriptures."</p> + +<p>"Oh <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, how you do smell of smoke," said the devoted +<span class="smcap">Libby</span>.</p> + +<p>"And thanks to your thoughtfulness for the regalias +which have so lightened my lonely hours, since the +day when you brought me up to this room and then +told a virtuous and unsuspecting police that I had fled +in the direction of the <i>aurora borealis</i>. By the way +<span class="smcap">Libby</span>," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, thoughtfully, "my segar-lighters +are all out, and if you <i>could</i> make me a +few more out of the rest of those Confederate Treasury +Notes—"</p> + +<p>"I will, I will," responded Miss <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, lifting first +one white shoulder and then the other, as though she +would thereby work down her waist more firmly into +the belt formed by Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>' right arm; "but +now, dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, we must think of how you are to be got +safely away from this house and out of the city. If +my pa should find out that you have been here all this +time, when he thought you were running for dear life, +he would—I really believe"—said Miss <span class="smcap">Libby Ordeth</span>, +<!--026.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[p. 27]</a></span> +with increasing eyes, "that he would actually apply +the torch to me without waiting for the Yankees!"</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> shuddered and turned pale, barely +saving himself from fainting by clasping his companion +more tightly and leaning heavily against her lips.</p> + +<p>The infatuated girl did not see the face peering in +through the half open door behind her, as she continued:—</p> + +<p>"<i>Quarter-past twelve is the hour</i>, <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, though I +can't say on what night it shall be, yet. You must be +already to start on any night, and in the meantime +our meetings are, if possible, to be continued."</p> + +<p>"You say that quarter-past twelve is the hour?" +observed Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, reflectively, patting the head +against his shoulder in a somewhat paternal manner.</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>; and I wish I could be sure of pa's +going to bed earlier than that; for I know it will be +hard for you to go out into the street at that time of +night. You are not accustomed to such late hours at +home."</p> + +<p>And, indeed, he was not; for Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>' +"hours" at home were apt to be considerably later, +especially when he went into morning for some dear +friend.</p> + +<p>"Sweet innocence!" exclaimed the young man, +much affected by this evidence of thoughtfulness in +his behalf, "your kindness almost makes me forget +the treatment I have experienced at the hands of your +being's author."</p> + +<p>"I think you can get off next Sunday night," continued +<span class="smcap">Libby</span>, "if brother is sergeant of the guard; for +he promised to see that you got across the bridge and +<!--027.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[p. 28]</a></span> +past the patrol. <span class="smcap">Jocko</span> will open the street door for +you when you start: and I want you to send me word, +if you can, after you get to New-York, what kind of +bonnets they're going to wear this summer."</p> + +<p>"Dear girl!" murmured <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, fondly, "I'll find out +the style and mention it to one of our Generals, who +will let you know by note, as soon as he arrives +here."</p> + +<p>"Dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>!—but I must go now. Is there anything +I can send you to make you more comfortable?"</p> + +<p>As they stood there facing each other, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob +Peters</span> closed his right eye for an instant, and suffered +the muscles of his month to relax, thereby expressing +some want too deep for words.</p> + +<p>"You shall have it," said the young girl, turning to +leave the room. At the door she was met by <span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, +who entered as she passed out, for the ostensible purpose +of removing the remains of the captive's recent +surreptitious breakfast.</p> + +<p>The sound of the maiden's light footsteps soon died +away in the passage, like the vibrations of a high-strung +instrument in a passage of music, and the two +men stood alone together.</p> + +<p>There they were—the White and the Black; the one +a freeman in all save being deprived of his liberty; +the other a slave in all save being unrestricted of his +freedom. Who could tell what was working in the +mind of each? Who should draw the line between +those men, when all was dark for the white and a luckless +wight was the black? Who should say that the +white man was anything better than the black man, +that the latter should bear the bonds of slavery—bonds +<!--028.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[p. 29]</a></span> +as hard to bear even as Confederate bonds? +Look at inanimate nature. Is it not the <i>White</i> of an +egg that bears the yolk? Then why should the white +man turn the yoke altogether over to the black man? +But I must refuse to follow out this great metaphysical +question any further. The weather is too warm. I +will leave it to the Awful and Unfathomable German +Mind, which delights to toy heavily with the elephants +of Thought.</p> + +<p>"Mars'r," said <span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, handing a folded paper to the +fugitive prisoner, "dis was gub to me for you by my +chile <span class="smcap">Efrum</span>, dat b'longs to Missus <span class="smcap">Adams</span>; and I hope, +Mas'r, dat you will read um with fear an' trem'lin, for +the Lor' is very good to let you lib in your great sins, +Mars'r."</p> + +<p>How beautiful, <i>mon ami</i>, is that strong spirit of +piety we often find developed in the uncultivated, +like the rich oyster found on the barren sea-shore. +Taken in connection with the children of <span class="smcap">Ham</span>, it is +as mustard to a sandwich, for moving us to occasional +tears.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> waved the faithful black from his +presence, and read the note, which ran thus:</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Mr. Peters</span>,—<span class="smcap">Sir</span>:—Though, as a daughter of the +Sonny South, I cannot but regard you as a traitor to +our country, the memory of past hours in my soul-life +induces me to act toward you as a heart-friend. I +have heard, through those faithful beings of which +your friends would rob and murder us, that you are a +prisoner, and will save you. Contrive to get out of +the house in some way on Sunday (to-morrow) evening, +<!--029.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[p. 30]</a></span> +at <i>a quarter of twelve</i>, and you will find those waiting +for you who will deliver you for a time from our +vengeance. It is the impulsive heart-throb of a weak +woman that bids me do this—not the spirit-aspiration +of the Southern daughter.</p> + +<p> +"<span class="smcap">Eve Adams.</span>"<br /> +</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> lowered the hand holding the note +until it rested heavily on his right knee, and gazed +before him, as he sat on his couch, with a puzzled expression +of countenance. He had been sitting in this +way, perfectly motionless, for five minutes perhaps, +when the door was gently pushed open a few inches, +a dainty white hand came through the aperture, deposited +a mysterious black bottle on the floor very +softly, and disappeared as it came. In an instant, +Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> sprang to his feet, dashed the note to the +ground, seized the bottle, and immediately applied it +to his lips with great enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>His Mistress had understood that last subtle glance +he gave her. With the wonderful insight of man's +deeper nature peculiar to girls about eighteen years +old, she had divined the one thing required to make +the captive comfortable.</p> + +<p>Oh, woman, woman! In the language of a revised +poet—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Without the smile from partial beauty won,</span> +<span class="i0">Ah, what were man!—a world without a son!"</span> +</div></div> + +<!--030.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[p. 31]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER III.—THE WIDOW'S MITE.</p> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Adamses</span> resided in one of the aristocratic by +ways crossing Main Street, and were directly descended +from those distinguished and chivalric <i>anciens +pauvres</i> of the Old Dominion, who boasted the +blood of the English cavaliers, and were a terror to +their foes and creditors. <span class="smcap">Adams</span>, the husband and +father, was a fine specimen of the Southern gentleman +in his day, possessing an estate in Louisa County, so +completely covered with mortgages that no heir could +get to it, and having won great fame by inventing an +entirely new and singularly humorous oath for the +benefit of a Yankee governess, when that despised +hireling presumed to ask for a portion of her last +year's salary. He might have lived to a green old +age, but for the extraordinary joy he experienced at +having negotiated a second mortgage on some property +not worth quite half the first, which filled this +worthy man with such exceeding great joy, that he +drank rather more at a sitting than would start an ordinary +hotel-bar, and died soon after of <i>delirium tremens</i>, +as such noble and chivalric souls are very apt +to do. The family left by the lamented <span class="smcap">Adams</span>, consisting +of a wife and one child—a daughter, at once +assumed the most becoming style of mourning, moved +in a funeral procession through society for six months, +and then resigned themselves to the will of Providence +with that beautiful cheerfulness which may +either denote a high order of Christianity, or a low +order of memory, as the case may be. +<!--031.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[p. 32]</a></span></p> + +<p>At the period of which the present veracious history +treats, the bereaved mother and daughter were +living in subdued style in the locality designated +above. Among their most intimate associates were +the <span class="smcap">Ordeths</span>, between whose family and theirs there +existed that pleasing and kindly familiarity which +permits the most open recognition of mutual virtues +in society and the most searching criticism of individual +weaknesses at home. The <span class="smcap">Adamses</span> and <span class="smcap">Ordeths</span> +met at each other's houses with gushes of endearment +that edified all beholders; and if Miss <span class="smcap">Eve</span> said to her +mother on their way home from church that <span class="smcap">Libby +Ordeth</span> looked like a perfect fright in that ridiculous +new bonnet of hers, it was only because her affectionate +heart felt a pang at seeing her bosom-friend appear +to less advantage than her own self-sacrificing +self.</p> + +<p>It is a touching peculiarity of this modern friendship, +<i>mon ami</i>, that a majority of the errors its fairest +votaries detect in each other, are those of the head—not +of the heart. <span class="smcap">Eve Adams</span>, whose diminutive size +had given occasion to the <i>mot</i> by which she was denominated +the "Widow's Mite," was calling at the +<span class="smcap">Ordeths</span> when Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> first came in under a +flag of truce from Fortress Monroe, and was witness +to the chivalric reception accorded to that gentleman +by his relatives, before his pecuniary mission was +known. In the exuberance of his nature, Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> +had kissed her with the rest of the family, and from +the moment of receiving that chaste salutation, <span class="smcap">Eve</span> +had selected the Northern stranger as her hero in that +ideal novel of spiritual yellow-covers in which all +<!--032.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[p. 33]</a></span> +maidens live, and move and have their beings until +stern reality bursts upon them in the shape of a husband +or a snub.</p> + +<p>From thenceforth she was a frequent visitor at the +<span class="smcap">Ordeths</span>, and laid close siege to the gay <span class="smcap">Robert's</span> +heart with all the languishment deemed necessary in +such cases, and a tremendous flirtation was going on +before the maiden discovered that the affections of the +youth were already given to another. Then came a +revulsion of feeling, opening the eyes of the Widow's +Mite to the fact that Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> was a thieving +abolitionist, unworthy the toleration of any true daughter +of the South. After this overpowering revelation, +it was the first thought of <span class="smcap">Eve Adams</span> to at once inform +the festive <span class="smcap">Peters</span> of the utter detestation in +which she held him, and a favorable opportunity soon +offered. At a social gathering at the <span class="smcap">Ordeth's</span>, she +had withdrawn for a moment to an ante-room, for the +purpose of drawing from her bosom an elegant silver +snuff-box, dipping therein a small brush, and subsequently +applying the same to her pearly teeth, when +Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> entered unannounced, and agreeably +demanded a "pinch." The situation was favorable to +an avowal of enmity, and a suitable expression was +rising to the lips of the maiden, when the thought of a +still keener revenge kept her silent, and she contented +herself with a temporary sneer and a majestic exit +from the apartment.</p> + +<p>It was soon after this incident that Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>' +presentation to Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> of the bill for furniture +which he had been empowered to collect by a New +York house, reminded the latter that it was his duty, +<!--033.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[p. 34]</a></span> +as a patriot, to sacrifice even his cousin's son for the +good of the Confederacy. With the stern self-devotion +of an ancient Roman, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> not only accused +his hapless relative of flagrant Abolitionism, but at +once made arrangements with the military authorities +for that relative's immediate incarceration as an +enemy to the Commonwealth. An enemy to the +Commonwealth of Virginia must be indeed an unnatural +wretch; for no such wealth is known to be in +existence just now, and enmity to the dead is a thing +inexcusable. It was a crime of which Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> +was incapable; yet would he have suffered for it, had +not the devoted <span class="smcap">Libby</span> concealed him in the hour of +danger.</p> + +<p>Of this concealment, Miss <span class="smcap">Eve</span> had learned from +<span class="smcap">Efrum</span>, the son of <span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, though she knew not how +long it was to be continued.</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER IV.—"TWO HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE."</p> + +<p>Several of the Richmond churches were opened +that Sunday night, and thither repaired many of the +Cottonocracy, devotional children of Bale, to implore +Providence in behalf of an army whose heroes have +generally appeared, in the eyes of the Federal troops, +to be wholly Leave-ites. The recent intelligence of +"another confederate victory," at Williamsburg, had +added a finishing touch to the panic created by reports +of the triumphal retreat from Yorktown previously +received, and the fervor of Richmond's piety on +<!--034.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[p. 35]</a></span> +that evening was eminently worthy of a city liable at +any moment to be cannonized. The reverend clergy +of the rebel capital selected their texts from Exodus +by instinct, as it were, and proved so conclusively that +the Yankee invader was no man, that the listening +congregations were impressed with an instructive and +repentant sense of their own wickedness, (for they are +the wicked who invariably flee when "no man" pursueth,) +and several members evinced their new-born +disgust at this sinful world by resolutely closing their +eyes upon it at once.</p> + +<p>In his pew sat Mr. <span class="smcap">Victor E. Ordeth</span>, with his wife +and son, the latter a member of the Richmond Home +Guard. Stiff and erect he sat, like a solemn note of +admiration in a printer's case, ready to be used at the +end of any sounding passages, suffering an expression +of weighty approval to cross his countenance when +the preacher hoped the same planets might not thereafter +be destined to shine on the North and the South.</p> + +<p>And well he might; for there had been something +in the late capture of New Orleans and other ports by +the Union fleets to impress the Southern mind with no +small dread of the North's tar.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Libby</span> remained at home under plea of sick-headache; +but no sooner were her parents fairly out of +the house, than said plea proved to be entirely invalid. +At least, the young lady darted to her own private +room in a very sprightly manner, brought out from +thence a small package, and finally repaired to the +apartment wherein Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> kept solitary vigils +and a bright lookout. Before passing in, however, +she paused to have a few words with the faithful +<!--035.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[p. 36]</a></span> +<span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, whom she discovered on his knees before the +door of the captive's cell, with his right eye slightly +to the left of the knob.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Jocko!</span>" she exclaimed, reproachfully, "what are +you doing here, you ridiculous thing?"</p> + +<p>"Miss <span class="smcap">Libby</span>," said the humble servitor, looming +dimly in the shadow of the hall as he slowly arose +from his feet, "Ise ben prayin' dat you might become +a christian, and one ob these days, when de great +Hallelugerum come, hab wings and a harp."</p> + +<p>Scarcely were these affecting words uttered, when +Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> tore open the door rather disrespectfully, +so greatly discomposing the devoted black that the +latter incontinently fled.</p> + +<p>"My dear girl," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, leading his fair visitor +into the room, "I'm delighted to see you. The shutters +are up, the gas is lit, and I'm prepared to do the +sentimental. Oh-um-m—Lubin's Extracts!" ejaculated +Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>. For he had kissed her.</p> + +<p>"There, dear <span class="smcap">Robert</span>, don't be so absurd. You +know you are going to leave us to-night, and I have +brought you—" here <span class="smcap">Libby</span> blushed with that exquisitely +ingenuous emotion which is excited by the consciousness +of benefiting one we love—"I have brought +you some things that may be of use on your journey. +You won't be angry with me for it, will you, dear +<span class="smcap">Bob</span>? There's a smoking cap, and a pair of crochet +slippers, and some drawing pencils, and a volume of +<span class="smcap">Tupper</span>."</p> + +<p>"My darling <span class="smcap">Libby</span>!" remarked the deeply affected +<span class="smcap">Robert</span>, alighting on those tempting lips once more. +<!--036.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[p. 37]</a></span> +"But did you think, love—did you think to put a +quart of ice-cream and a few hair-pins in the package?"</p> + +<p>"Why, no."</p> + +<p>"Ah, well," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, abstractedly, "I +suppose I can buy them on the road."</p> + +<p>Silence, disturbed only by the beating of those two +hearts, reigned for a few seconds, then—</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Bob</span>," said <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, looking shyly up to him, "we +shall be very happy when we are married and live +North?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, indeed," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>.</p> + +<p>"We'll live in such a beautiful house on Fifth +Avenue, dear, and have such nice things. Because, +you know, you can make so much money by your +writings."</p> + +<p>"Millions! my love," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, with +sudden and wonderful quietude of tone. "When I +left New York prose was bringing two dollars for +seven pounds in the heavy dailies, and philosophical +poetry quoted at six shillings a yard, and no hexameters +allowed except for <span class="smcap">Emerson</span> and <span class="smcap">Homer</span>. Ah!" +said Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, his melancholy deepening rapidly to +bitterness, "my last poem sickened me. It was called +'Dirge: addressed to a lady after witnessing the +Drama of the "Toodles,"' and commenced in this +way:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'Not all the artist's pow'r can limn,</span> +<span class="i0">Nor poet's grander verse disclose,</span> +<span class="i0">The plaintive charm that ev'ning dim,</span> +<span class="i0">Imparts unto the dying rose.'"</span> +</div></div> + +<p>"How pretty!" said <span class="smcap">Libby</span>. +<!--037.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[p. 38]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes, my dear," responded Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, somewhat +gloomily; "but because I used 'dim' to rhyme with +'limn,' all the papers credited it to <span class="smcap">General Morris</span>."</p> + +<p>Recollections of this flagrant piece of injustice so +affected Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, that he smote his breast and +called himself a miserable man. "I really don't know +but I'd better stay here and be hung like a respectable +patriot," murmured the desolated young man.</p> + +<p>"How absurd!" exclaimed the young lady, "you +will be glad enough to get away to-night. Remember, +now, you are to start down stairs at quarter-past +Twelve, precisely, and <span class="smcap">Jocko</span> will open the front door +for you. Then go straight to the bridge, where you +will find my brother, who will get you by the guard."</p> + +<p>"That reminds me," observed Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, "what +time is it? I must set my repeater."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Libby</span> consulted her watch and answered that it was +half-past eight, whereupon Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> fished from +his fob a vast silver conglomeration, and having wound +it up with a noise like that of a distant coffee mill, +and set it correctly, proceeded to hang it, for convenient +reference, upon the gas-branch across the +mirror.</p> + +<p>"Dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, good bye."</p> + +<p>"Fare thee well, and if for ever, still remember +me," responded Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, with some vagueness.</p> + +<p>"We shall meet again?" said <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, lingering.</p> + +<p>"If I did not believe it," replied Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, +with vehemence, "I should at once proceed to kill +myself at your feet, covering the walls and furniture +of the apartment with my gore."</p> + +<p>"God bless you, <span class="smcap">Bob</span>." +<!--038.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[p. 39]</a></span></p> + +<p>They parted wiping their mouths. Miss <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> +went down stairs in tears, had a fit of hysterics on the +sofa, and fell asleep with her head in the card basket.</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER V.—BETRAYED INNOCENCE.</p> + +<p>There he slumbered on that rude lounge, with his +head upon his hands and his hands under his head. A +man, like you—or me—or any other man. Did you +ever notice how you always keep your eyes shut when +you are asleep? The lids come down over your orbs, +your soul's windows, like night over the sun. You +shall have visions of Heaven, or Hades, according to +what you had for supper. Lobster salad, or truffles, +will act upon a sleeping man's great, dark soul, like +one of <span class="smcap">Page's</span> pictures on the open eye. Make it see +light blue landscapes, and pallid faces looking out of +pink distances. You think that young man there is +sleeping upon a rude couch? No. He is sleeping +upon something not palpable to your worldly eyes nor +mine; he is sleeping upon an empty stomach. You +dare not pity him. His scornful, stern man's soul +would wither you if you talked to him of compassion. +Such is man. An animal. A worm of the dust. +Yet proud. Ha! you know it. You blush for your +unworthy thought. Such is woman. Something +aroused the sleeper suddenly. It might have been an +angel's whisper, or the kiss of an insect. He sprang +to his feet, shook himself, and mentally declared that +<!--039.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[p. 40]</a></span> +he had come pretty near getting asleep. The idea was +rational.</p> + +<p>"By all that's blue! it can't be, though it is, by +Jupiter!"</p> + +<p>The gas was still burning brightly. Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> +had caught sight of his watch as it was reflected in +the mirror, with the hands pointing to a quarter past +Twelve. With great rapidity he grasped the repeater, +stabbed it into his fob, crushed his demoralized hat +upon his head, looked regretfully about the room, +turned off the gas, and in another moment was +stealthily groping his way down stairs, toward the +front door. The door yielded to his hand, but no +<span class="smcap">Jocko</span> was there. "I suppose," murmured Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> +to himself, "I suppose the faithful fellow is praying +for me somewhere in the kitchen, with his hands +resting on a jar of sweetmeats. Ah! I ought to be a +better man than I am." With this excellent moral +reflection, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> stepped into the street and +faced boldly for the path to freedom; but at the very +first corner his road was barred by two individuals in +military caps and the first stage of intoxication.</p> + +<p>"Aryupeters—eters!" said one, who was evidently +desirous of having but a single word with him.</p> + +<p>"With a <span class="smcap">Bob</span>," replied the fugitive sententiously.</p> + +<p>"Aw' ri', then," observed the two in chorus, and +Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> quickly found himself attended on either +side by guardians whose affectionate manner of monopolizing +his arms suggested a civil process of the most +uncivil sort.</p> + +<p>"Treachery!" he exclaimed, struggling fiercely. +The twain held him tightly, however, with the strength +<!--040.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[p. 41]</a></span> +of tight-uns, and his exertion only caused them to +venture divers pleasant oaths concerning the destiny +of his eyes.</p> + +<p>Onward they dragged him, down Broad street and +up half a dozen other streets, until a certain rebel +institution was gained. "In with'm," said one of his +captors; and they hurried him past a sentry and +through a hall into a long, low room, where half a +dozen miserable candles stuck up against the walls +revealed a dismal company of over a hundred—some +stretched upon the floor, some standing about, and +others clustered around what appeared to be a cot in +one corner.</p> + +<p>"Is this the Confederate Congress?" asked the +astonished <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, as his captors left him, turning the +key and adjusting various bolts as they went out.</p> + +<p>"It's <span class="smcap">Libby's</span> pork-packing-house," answered the +prisoner nearest him, "and you're jugged, I suppose, +as a spy."</p> + +<p>"Pork-packing!" ejaculated the bewildered <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. +"Why, this is treating me like a hog."</p> + +<p>Several prisoners at once gave in their adhesion to +this logical premise.</p> + +<p>"Here's a case of betrayed innocence!" soliloquized +Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, bitterly, "I've trusted to <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, and +Libby's taken me in."—</p> + +<p>"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!"</p> + +<p>The sound came from the cot in the corner, and as +the crowd in that direction opened for a moment, the +new-comer beheld a sight that, for a time, made him +forget his own troubles. A tall, gaunt man in ragged, +Zouave uniform was reclining upon his elbow on +<!--041.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[p. 42]</a></span> +the miserable pallet, the pale, dismal light of the candles +disclosing a ghastly wound on his right temple, +from which the blood was trickling down upon his +rusty and matted beard.</p> + +<p>"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!" he exclaimed, +waving the others away with his left hand +and glaring directly at <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. "I've been here a whole +year, and Eighty's boys wants me back; and I'm going +to be exchanged."</p> + +<p>"The poor fellow was shot by one of the sentries +this morning. He's from a New York regiment, and +has been a prisoner ever since Bull Run," whispered +one of the unfortunates to <span class="smcap">Bob</span>.</p> + +<p>The latter approached the wounded man and kindly +asked; "Can I do anything for you, old fellow?"</p> + +<p>The dying Zouave regarded him with a ghastly +smile; "Yes," said he, "you can go down to Eighty's +truck house and take care of little <span class="smcap">Jake</span> till I'm exchanged. +Will you, bub, will you?"</p> + +<p>"Is <span class="smcap">Jake</span> your child?" asked Bob.</p> + +<p>"No," responded the Zouave, softly, "it's only a +little yaller dorg. I aint got no wife, nor child, nor no +friend except the masheen and little <span class="smcap">Jake</span>. He's petty +as a picture, bub, and he's slept with me many a gay +old night around Catherine Market—he has. You'll +be kind to him, bub, won't you?"</p> + +<p>"Here! what's this noise about? What are yes +doin' with lights this time ernight? I'll soon stop +his Yankee groaning," were the words of a brutal +keeper, who had just come in and was roughly elbowing +his way toward the cot.</p> + +<p>"Stand off, you hound!" shouted <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, throwing +<!--042.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[p. 43]</a></span> +himself between the keeper and the dying soldier. +"Stand off!" growled the prisoners, fiercely crowding +upon the intruder with murder in their faces.</p> + +<p>"Hark!" said the Zouave, leaning listfully forward, +"there goes the Hall bell—one—two—three——" +His features lighted up as with the glow of a conflagration; +his lips opened—</p> + +<p>"<i>Fire! Fire! Fire!</i>"</p> + +<p>And the Zouave fell back upon the cot—dead.</p> + +<p>The keeper crawled forward like a whipped hound, +and eyed the outstretched form with a face full of +fear:</p> + +<p>"Exchanged at last, by G—d!"</p> + +<p>True, O traitorous hireling! and by God alone. +For when that honest, loyal soul went out, there came +to take its place an Avenging Spirit, that shall not +cease to call on Heaven for vengeance on the Southern +murderer until the cowardly stain of fifty thousand +murders, such as this, are washed out in a terrible +atonement.</p> + +<p>"Poor little <span class="smcap">Jake</span>," murmured Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, "I +wonder if he's a terrier." Then, turning to the keeper,—"How +long is my imprisonment in this terrible +place to be continued?"</p> + +<p>The keeper eyed the querist with no very amiable +expression, "You'll stay here," said he, "until you +take the Oath, I reckon."</p> + +<p>"In that case, my native land, good night," responded +the interesting captive, Byronically; "my +incarceration will terminate with an epitaph—'<i>Hic +Jacet</i> <span class="smcap">Robert Peters</span>. A victim of miss-placed confidence. +<!--043.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[p. 44]</a></span> +He died young'—Jailor, you are affected. +Accept a quarter!"</p> + +<p>The Cerberus clutched the proffered coin and eyed +it with feverish intensity. It was evidently the first +quarter he had seen since the commencement of his +services in that hole. The man's better nature was +touched. "Hist!" he said, drawing Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> aside +and speaking in a whisper: "I can no longer conceal +the truth. I am a Southern Union man."</p> + +<p>It is a beautiful peculiarity of our common nature, +<i>mon ami</i>, that crime never sinks so deeply nor perversion +spreads so obstinately in the human soul, but +there is still a deeper current of normal rectitude responsive +to the force of currency. That this was +known to the ancients, is evinced by the antique custom +of placing coins on the eyes of the dead, thereby +signifying to all concerned that, whatever faults might +have perished with the deceased, <i>de mortuis nil nisi +bonum</i>.</p> + +<p>"Can't I have a room to myself?" asked <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, after +a short pause.</p> + +<p>"Follow me," was the response; and he followed +the keeper through a crowd of curious prisoners, up a +stair-way against a wall, to a room on the next floor. +The keeper opened the door with a key from one of +his pockets, and led the way into an apartment whose +only furniture was a bed, a ricketty chair and a bit of +looking-glass on a shelf.</p> + +<p>"I sleep here sometimes myself," said the keeper; +"but you shall stay here for a small rent. Make yourself +comfortable." +<!--044.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[p. 45]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Stop a minute," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, as the man turned to +leave. "Do you know how I came to be arrested?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know exactly," was the answer; "but I +believe you was informed upon by some woman. +Good night. Here's the candle."</p> + +<p>The prisoner cast himself upon the bed, as the key +grated again in the lock, and was fast asleep before +the poor fellows down stairs had extinguished their +miserable lights.</p> + +<p>In the morning the friendly keeper brought him his +breakfast, consisting of a cup of something very much +like "sacred soil" after a heavy rain, two geological +biscuits and a copy of the Richmond <i>Whig</i>.</p> + +<p>"What do you call this stuff?" asked Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, +ruefully eyeing the contents of the cup.</p> + +<p>"Coffee," replied the keeper, blandly, "real Mocha."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> was silent. To call such fluid Mocha +was sheer mockery.</p> + +<p>The biscuits dispatched and the coffee defied, the +captive betook himself to deep and admiring contemplation +of the newspaper; and was deriving much +valuable instruction from an article written to prove +how skilfully and ingeniously the Southern Confederacy +had struck a telling blow at its ruthless invaders +by strategetically surrendering Norfolk, when an +early visitor was admitted. Said visitor was a young +man contained in a picturesquely-tattered uniform, +with a fatigue cap on his head and a rusty sword rattling +at his heels.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Bob</span>, my boy," said he, "how the mischief did you +get into this scrape?" +<!--045.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[p. 46]</a></span></p> + +<p>"This is some of your family's Chivalry," responded +Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, shortly.</p> + +<p>"My governor certainly did come it over you a little," +observed the visitor, who was no other than the +younger <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>; "but you might have gone off +safely enough if you'd been at the bridge at quarter-past +Twelve, as you were told. I don't like the governor's +style any more than you do, and if you had +come to time I could have passed you out of the lines +easily enough."</p> + +<p>"I did come to time," answered <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, with great +bitterness, "and a pretty time of night it was. How +did I get into this scrape? The Southern Confederacy +brought me here. I've had enough of you and your +family. It affords me satisfaction to contemplate a +perspective in which your family are attending a funeral +of one of their number whose demise would be +attended with funeral honors, if all his comrades were +not engaged in the work of running away from +<span class="smcap">McClellan</span>."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> hazarded this cutting insinuation of the +future with an expression of countenance rigidly severe.</p> + +<p>"But, my dear boy, there is some mistake. You—"</p> + +<p>"Enough, Sir!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, very well; if you won't you won't," exclaimed +the Confederate youth, growing very red in the face. +"All I have to say is, that I have done my part as +your friend. If you had been at the bridge at quarter-past +Twelve last night, you might be back among the +Yankees now. And, let me tell you, those same Yankees +will never conquer the South." +<!--046.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[p. 47]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Perhaps not," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, ironically.</p> + +<p>"One of our officers has just invented a new gun +that will soon teach the North manners," continued +the Confederate, with increasing heat. "It throws +one-hundred-pound balls as fast as a man can turn +the handle."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, sneeringly.</p> + +<p>"Yes; and it has but one defect."</p> + +<p>"What's that?" asked <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, with some appearance +of interest.</p> + +<p>"The handle won't turn!" ejaculated the young +Virginian, darting hastily from the room to hide his +emotion.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> looked vaguely after the retreating +form of the sensitive youth, and as one of the keepers +relocked the door again from the outside, his face +sank upon his hands. What did his visitor mean by +accusing him of not making his appearance at the appointed +time? It was exactly quarter-past Twelve +when he left the house. "I see how it is," murmured +Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, between his hands; "the boy has been +taking something hot."</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER VI.—ANOTHER VISITOR.</p> + +<p>The ladies were taking their usual promenade +through the main corridor of the jail, curiously gazing +at times through the newly-grated door at the +prisoners in the main room, and seasoning their morning +<!--047.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[p. 48]</a></span> +gossip with piquant observations on the probable +execution of the horrid creatures there confined. +Mrs. <span class="smcap">Peyton</span> took occasion to inform Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mason</span> that +she wouldn't pass a day without taking a look at the +wretches for all the world; and Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mason</span> informed +Mrs. <span class="smcap">Peyton</span> that her life would hardly be endurable +if she did not live in hope of seeing all the Abolitionists +there yet. Here young Mr. <span class="smcap">Baron</span> ventured to +intimate that the Yankee prisoners were fortunate in +being favored with such an array of <i>fair</i> before them; +for which he was saluted as an "absurd thing," and +received a shower of taps from adjacent fans.</p> + +<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span> led her companion, a neighbor's child, +to where a keeper was leaning idly against the wall.</p> + +<p>"Are these all your prisoners?" she asked.</p> + +<p>"All but one that was taken last night and is up +stairs," replied the official.</p> + +<p>"Is that one on exhibition?"</p> + +<p>"I reckon he is, if you want to see him."</p> + +<p>"Well," said Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span>, with an assumption of +indifference, "I don't know that it's worth while; but—well, +I reckon I <i>will</i> look at him."</p> + +<p>"This way, then, if you please," said the keeper, +leading the way up an adjacent flight of stairs and +conducting the fair one to the room occupied by Mr. +<span class="smcap">Peters</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bob</span> was gazing gloomily out of the window and +did not recognize the presence of his new guests until +the end of a parasol touched his shoulder.</p> + +<p>"Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span>!" he exclaimed, offering his hand.</p> + +<p>The young lady tossed her head haughtily: +<!--048.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[p. 49]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I don't wish to shake hands with an enemy of +my country, sir."</p> + +<p>"I see," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, coolly, "the presence of a third +party obliges us to vail our emotions. Keeper, leave +the saloon."</p> + +<p>"Pay no attention to him, Keeper," retorted <span class="smcap">Eve</span>, +indignantly, "I wish your attendance."</p> + +<p>Not at all abashed by the severity of her tone, Mr. +<span class="smcap">Peters</span> nodded to the officer and smiled pleasantly.</p> + +<p>"Then I must expose you with a witness to it," he +said, good-naturedly; "you are offended, Miss <span class="smcap">Eve</span> +because I did not comply with your kind note and +meet your friends at a quarter-of Twelve, instead of +walking straight into trouble at quarter-past, as I did."</p> + +<p>"You are beneath my notice," was the answer of +Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span>; "but since you choose to speak so I +must explain myself to this good man here. You are +indebted to me for your present situation. I am a +Southern woman, sir, and it was my duty as a Southerner, +to see that you did not escape to injure our +cause by telling some of your Northern falsehoods +about us. I wrote you the note you speak of in order +that you might be drawn from your hiding place, and +also one to the authorities putting them on the watch. +I may be a woman, but I have the heart of a man."</p> + +<p>If Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span> did <i>not</i> have the heart of a man it +was owing to no neglect on her part of any possible +means to catch such a heart. That is to say, all her +dearest and most intimate female friends said so.</p> + +<p>Her speech was evidently intended to impress the +prisoner with a torturing sense of woman's vengeance, +but, contrary to her expectation, Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> received +<!--049.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[p. 50]</a></span> +it with the utmost complacency. In fact, he even +evinced a playful disposition and favored the attentive +keeper with an insidious wink.</p> + +<p>"I don't doubt that your intentions were excellent, +Miss <span class="smcap">Eve</span>," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, with an air of great +enjoyment; "but they did not work as well as your +affectionate heart designed. Because—you see—I +did'nt come out at a quarter of Twelve at all, nor did +I follow any of your directions. Oh, no! It was just +quarter-past Twelve by my repeater when I departed +from my late residence, and it's my private opinion +that your dear friend, Miss <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, had the privilege +of being my adviser on that nocturnal occasion. +Don't let your sensitive soul be afflicted with the +thought that <i>you</i> have wronged confiding innocence," +added <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, pathetically, "for I do assure you that you +are as guiltless as the child unborn."</p> + +<p>"What do you mean, sir?" asked <span class="smcap">Eve</span>, in some +haste; "were you not arrested at a quarter of +Twelve?"</p> + +<p>"Why no!" said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. "Don't I tell you that I +didn't break cover until quarter-past?"</p> + +<p>"Well, sir," snarled <span class="smcap">Eve</span>, with no little irritation, +"you're here at any rate, and I hope you'll enjoy the +society of your Yankee friends down stairs. I hope +you'll all be hung. I do."</p> + +<p>And the injured fair swept magnificently from the +room, dragging with her the neighbor's child, and leaving +Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> alone with the keeper.</p> + +<p>"I say, she's a spunky one," remarked the latter. +"It's a pity you really did'nt wait till quarter-past. I +<!--050.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[p. 51]</a></span> +would'nt trust a woman with such eyes as hers—I +would'nt."</p> + +<p>"And I didn't trust them," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. "It was full +quarter-past by my repeater when I came out, and if +I'm betrayed it's by another woman."</p> + +<p>"Oh, come now," put in the keeper, deprecatingly, +"it's all right, you know, between us two. It was'nt +but quarter-past when I locked you in here, you +know."</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed <span class="smcap">Bob</span>.</p> + +<p>"Fact," said the keeper.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> deliberately drew out his watch and +held it up in full view.</p> + +<p>"By all that's true!" said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, "it was quarter-past +Twelve by that repeater before I was taken last +night."</p> + +<p>The rebel official looked steadily into the eyes of +his prisoner for a moment, and then withdrew hurriedly +and in silence. He evidently mistrusted the +sincerity of Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, or believed that a man with +such a fast watch was too much ahead of <i>his</i> time to +be trusted without a watch of a different kind.</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER VII.—UNION SENTIMENT DEVELOPING.</p> + +<p>If some modern <span class="smcap">Burton</span> would supply the world +with an Anatomy of Patriotism, <i>mon ami</i>, I am +inclined to believe that his first discovery in the process +of dissection would be, that the modern quality +of that name is essentially lacking in the anatomical +<!--051.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[p. 52]</a></span> +composite of back-bone. Ordinary patriotism in practice, +as far as I have been able to observe it, is equivalent, +in general aspect and result, to an irresistible +force in contact with an immovable body, those who +are chiefly carried away with it metaphorically being +the last to yield to its impulsion personally. In short, +the quality appears to be a sentiment rather than +a motive in its character, and moves us to inspire +others rather oftener than it inspires us to move ourselves.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Victor E. Ordeth</span> was a patriot in the conventional +sense of the term, and when the Southern heart +was first fired he took a very large ember to his own +bosom. None could be more ready to repudiate all +their Northern debts than was Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> to repudiate +his, and his deadly hatred of the Abolitionist +was only equaled by that of a New England man +owning a colored drayman, and living next door to +him. "We will raise a million of soldiers if need +be," said the chivalrous Virginian at a public meeting +in Richmond, "and sacrifice our last crust." After +which he went comfortably home and growled very +much at the dampness of his slippers and the barely +perceptible chill in his buttered toast. Great admiration +was evoked on all sides by this spirited conduct, +and when he finally donated one hundred dollars +of his creditors' money to the Volunteer fund, +there was some talk of making him a brigadier; but +it happened to leak out that he knew something of +military business from early study, and, of course, +that project had to be given up. A brigadier with +military capability would be an anomaly indeed! +<!--052.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[p. 53]</a></span></p> + +<p>And so, this self-sacrificed gentleman meekly wore +his honors in private life, his patriotism deepening +and intensifying until it attained the pitch of verbal +perfection demonstrated in the first chapter of this +veracious narrative. Suddenly, however, this patriotism +suffered what its possessor's pocket did not—a +"sea change": the Confiscation Act passed by the +Congress of the United States induced Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> to +consider seriously what might possibly happen to a +certain little property of his near Danville, in the +event of certain Union achievements; and the news +of <span class="smcap">McClellan's</span> advance to within five miles of +Richmond, did not tend to increase the patriotic fervor +of this chivalrous Virginian.</p> + +<p>It was on the second morning after the summary +incarceration of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, that Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> peremptorily +called for his newspaper, and, having elevated +his feet upon the window sill, proceeded to +read the more humorous articles of the journal in +question, which were chiefly devoted to the discussion +of divers excellent plans for invading the North in +one column, and burning Richmond in the next. The +only other person in the apartment at the time was +Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, who turned very pale when her lord +took up his paper, and watched him as he read, with +considerable agitation. She was evidently expecting +an explosion, and it came.</p> + +<p>Having perused with mitigated satisfaction a leader +on the sublime nobility of soul evidenced by the people +who destroyed their city at the approach of the +enemy, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> turned to the Local Department +of the reduced sheet before him, and was electrified +<!--053.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[p. 54]</a></span> +at the discovery therein of a full and accurate account +of the arrest of "one <span class="smcap">Robert Peters</span>, supposed to be +a Yankee spy, who is said to have found refuge for +some time past in the house of a well-known citizen, +and who was seized at the instigation of a devoted +Daughter of the South, who, by a pardonable device, +lured him from his hiding place for that purpose. But +for the disordered state of things just now, the citizen +said to have harbored this fellow would be called to +account for his equivocal concern in the matter."</p> + +<p>The paper dropped from the hands of Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, +and he stared at his wife in utter bewilderment.</p> + +<p>"Don't be angry with us, <span class="smcap">Victor</span>!" exclaimed that +lady, tremblingly; for she had seen the paper and anticipated +what was coming. "<span class="smcap">Libby</span> hid poor <span class="smcap">Bob</span> +away because she didn't want to see one of our own +relations taken and hung, and when she told me of it +I didn't dare to tell you."</p> + +<p>"And do you mean to tell me that it was in <i>my</i> +house he was secreted?" asked the Virginian, tragically.</p> + +<p>"Yes, my dear, up-stairs, you know."</p> + +<p>This unexampled revelation might have produced a +scene, had not the door been opened at the moment +by <span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, who unceremoniously entered with a folded +paper in his hand.</p> + +<p>"Dis wus brung for you, Mars'r, by de angel ob de—I +mean by de gemman wid gold on he shoulder."</p> + +<p>The master hastily snatched the paper from the dutiful +black, waved him magisterially from the presence, +and found himself ordered to report on the following +morning for military duty at the headquarters +<!--054.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[p. 55]</a></span> +of the military commandant, Richmond. A new +draft was ordered!</p> + +<p>Passing the paper to his wife, without a word of +comment, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> commenced to pace the room +with long and rapid strides. Finally, he stopped short +before his lady's chair:—</p> + +<p>"I am beginning to think," said he, coolly, "that +the Union is best for the South, after all."</p> + +<p>"Yes, my dear."</p> + +<p>"And we must be off for Danville this very afternoon."</p> + +<p>"Oh!"</p> + +<p>A pause, and then—</p> + +<p>"I was hasty about <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. My friend, <span class="smcap">General +Evans</span>, has just come in from Leesburg. I must explain +this matter to him and get <span class="smcap">Bob</span> discharged; for +<span class="smcap">Bob</span> may be of great service to us, my dear, when the +Yankees take possession."</p> + +<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> understood her husband well enough +to appreciate this remarkable change in his sentiments, +and refrained from exhibiting any astonishment +at this speech. She only answered:</p> + +<p>"You know best, <span class="smcap">Victor</span>."</p> + +<p>The head of the house received this judicious reply +in full payment of all demands on his wife's attention, +and immediately went forth to put his designs into execution—as +fine a specimen of the Southern Union +man as ever welcomed the advent of the loyal army +with enthusiasm, and immediately presented a bill for +damages sustained in the cause of Freedom! +<!--055.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[p. 56]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER VIII.—WITHOUT END.</p> + +<p>Seated upon the lounge where <i>he</i> so often had rested, +with her elbows resting upon the table on which +<i>his</i> arms had so frequently reposed, sat the afflicted +<span class="smcap">Libby</span>. She had heard her paternal leave the house +an hour before, and she had just heard the sound of +his boots in the hall below as he returned; but she +felt no desire to learn the reason thereof. Like her +mother, she had seen the account of <span class="smcap">Mr. Peters</span>' arrest +in the morning paper, and her bewilderment at the +statement respecting the device used to entrap that +persecuted youth by a Daughter of the South, was +only equalled by her grief at the unfortunate present +predicament of her lover. So absorbed was she in +her sorrows that she heard not the opening of the +parlor door below her, nor the sound of footsteps on +the stairs:—</p> + +<p>"Miss <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>!"</p> + +<p>Was it a dream? The beautiful mourner turned +quickly in the direction of the sound, and beheld the +bodily presentment of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, who stood +near the door with his shocking bad hat between his +hands and an expression of stern reproach upon his +countenance.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Bob!</span>—you here?" exclaimed the maiden, starting +from her seat with a little shriek.</p> + +<p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, if you please, Madame," said the late +captive, with much dignity. "Owing to a great +spread of Union sentiment in the bosom of your paternal +<!--056.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[p. 57]</a></span> +relative, and his consequent representation in my +behalf, I <i>am</i> here, to blast you with the sight of the +innocence you have betrayed! I slipped up here to +confront you, Madame," observed Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, with +some ease of manner, "while the old ones were packing +the silver-plated spoons preparatory to a combined +movement on the peaceful hamlet of Danville."</p> + +<p>"What do you mean, you ridiculous thing?" asked +<span class="smcap">Libby</span>, scarcely believing her own ears.</p> + +<p>"That we must part," returned Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, calmly +straightening an angle in the rim of his hat. "You +named an hour for my nocturnal escape—quarter-past +Twelve. I fled the Residence at that unseemly hour, +though another maiden had previously invited me to +liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I went, and +walked straight into the arms of the unsleeping +Southern Confederacy, who was inebriated at the +time, and conducted me to the penal pork-packing establishment. +Enough! we part. I go to Danville +with you, but only as an ordinary acquaintance of +chilling reserve."</p> + +<p>"Why <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, what can you mean?" ejaculated +<i>Libby</i>, to whom this remarkable speech was not particularly +lucid; "it was not my fault that you were +taken. If you had gone at quarter-past Twelve, as I +told you, all would have been well. Oh, <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, when +<span class="smcap">Jocko</span> told me next morning that he had waited for +you a whole hour in the hall in vain, and when ma +and I found that you had really gone at the wrong +time, I sat right down and cried my eyes out."</p> + +<p>"The wrong time!" exclaimed Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, striding +suddenly toward the mirror. "Impossible! Observe +<!--057.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[p. 58]</a></span> +this repeater of mine, which is a reliable time-piece. +On the night in question, this repeater was plainly +before me, hanging on this gas bracket, before this +looking-glass." Here Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> illustrated his assertion +by suspending his watch from the bracket, under +which it spun feebly for a moment. "At the very +instant of my waking from a temporary slumber, I +caught sight of this same repeater in the glass, and—why! +what's this?"</p> + +<p>In a moment every vestige of resentment had faded +from the features of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, and he stood +staring at the reflection of his watch in the glass with +the look of a man in the last stage of wonder.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Libby</span> timidly drew near and placed a hand on his arm.</p> + +<p>"What's the matter, dear?"</p> + +<p>"What time is it now by the repeater?" asked Mr. +<span class="smcap">Peters</span>, excitedly, but without moving his eyes.</p> + +<p>"Why, it's ten minutes past Ten," replied <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, +glancing at the face of the watch as it appeared in the +mirror, and wondering what would come next.</p> + +<p>"Look again!!" thundered Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>.</p> + +<p>"Why," repeated <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, half-frightened, "it's ten +minutes past Ten."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> deliberately took down his watch +and pointed convulsively at its face with one finger. +The time was ten minutes <i>of</i> Ten!</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>' first act was to clasp the maiden to his +bosom and kiss her unceremoniously. Then releasing +her, he took two steps in a popular break-down and +burst into a stentorian peal of laughter.</p> + +<p>"I shall have to call Pa," said poor <span class="smcap">Libby</span>.</p> + +<p>"Not a bit of it!" shouted <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, ceasing his Terpsichoreanism +<!--058.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[p. 59]</a></span> +for a moment; "don't you see the joke? +It's all in the looking-glass, my pet. When I thought +it was a quarter past Twelve and fled the residence, it +was really a quarter <i>of</i> Twelve—don't you see? The +looking-glass <i>reversed the hands on the watch</i>!"</p> + +<p>And so it was, <i>mon ami</i>. Hold your own time-piece +with its face to a mirror, and you will "see the +point."</p> + +<p>But what can excuse that General who, after leading +the whole country to expect that he would take +Richmond in time for me to conclude this picture of +Southern life, as I originally planned to do, now +changes his base of operation in a strategic manner, +and introduces a fizzle into romantic literature——</p> + +<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div> + +<p>Here Smith-Brown, who happened to be awake, +coughed intrusively, my boy, and says he:</p> + +<p>"The fault is not the General's, my friend. The +Secretary of War is alone to blame for it. He has +killed literature."</p> + +<p>How true was that speech, my boy. The Secretary +is indeed responsible for this literary disaster, as well +for everything else; and if he ever undertakes to stand +on his own responsibility, he will find plenty of room +to move about.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, droopingly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /> +</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<!--059.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[p. 60]</a></span></p> +<h3><a name="LETTER_LV" id="LETTER_LV"></a>LETTER LV.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE INSIDIOUS BLACK REPUBLICANS, +AND DESCRIBING THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE +OF DUCK LAKE.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 12th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Owing to the persistent stupidity of Congress and +the hideously-treasonable machinations of the unscrupulous +black republicans, my boy, the weather still +continues very hot; and unless the thermometer falls +very soon, an exhausted populace will demand an immediate +change in the Cabinet. I am very warm, my +boy—I am very warm; and when I reflect upon the +agency of the abolitionists, who have brought this sort +of thing about for the express purpose of injuring my +Constitution, I am impelled to ask myself: Did our +revolutionary forefathers indeed expire in vain? O +my country! my country! it is very warm.</p> + +<p>Such weather, my boy, is particularly trying to +Sergeant O'Pake's friend,</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 4em"> THE IRISH PICKET.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I'm shtanding in the mud, Biddy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With not a spalpeen near,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And silence, spaichless as the grave,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is all the sound I hear.<br /></span> +<!--060.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[p. 61]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Me gun is at a showlder arms,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm wetted to the bone,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And whin I'm afther shpakin' out,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I find meself alone.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">This Southern climate's quare, Biddy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A quare and bastely thing,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wid Winter absint all the year,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And Summer in the Spring.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ye mind the hot place down below?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And may ye niver fear<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'd dhraw comparisons—but then<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's awful warrum here.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The only moon I see, Biddy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is one shmall star, asthore,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And that's fornint the very cloud<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It was behind before;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The watchfires glame along the hill<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That's swellin' to the south,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And whin the sentry passes them<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I see his oogly mouth.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It's dead for shlape I am, Biddy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And dramein shwate I'd be,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If them ould rebels over there<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Would only lave me free;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But when I lane against a shtump<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And shtrive to get repose,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A musket ball he's comin' shtraight<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To hit me spacious nose.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It's ye I'd like to see, Biddy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A shparkin' here wid me<br /></span> +<!--061.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[p. 62]</a></span> +<span class="i0">And then, avourneen, hear ye say,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Acushla—Pat—machree!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Och, Biddy darlint," then says I,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Says you, "get out of that;"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Says I, "me arrum mates your waist,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Says you, "be daycent, Pat."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And how's the pigs and ducks, Biddy?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's them I think of, shure,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That looked so innocent and shwate<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon the parlor flure;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm shure ye're aisy with the pig<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That's fat as he can be,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And fade him wid the best, because<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm towld he looks like me.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Whin I come home again, Biddy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A sargent tried and thrue,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It's joost a daycent house I'll build<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And rint it chape to you.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We'll have a parlor, bedroom, hall,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A duck-pond nately done,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With kitchen, pig-pen, praty-patch,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And garret—all in one<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But, murther! there's a baste, Biddy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That's crapin' round a tree,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And well I know the crature's there<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To have a shot at me.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Now, Misther Rebel, say yere prayers,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And howld yer dirthy paw,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Here goes!—be jabers, Biddy dear,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I've broke his oogly jaw!<br /></span> +<!--062.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[p. 63]</a></span></div></div> + +<p>I was talking some moments ago with a Regimental +Surgeon, who has more patients on a monument than +Shakspere ever dreamed about, and says he: "In +consequence of the great number of troops now about +this city, all the oxygen in the atmosphere is exhausted, +and we are very warm. Had all these troops +been sent to McClellan two weeks ago," says he, using +his lancet to pick a dead fly out of his tumbler, "we +might be able to keep cool now. There is a terrible +responsibility on somebody's shoulders."</p> + +<p>That's very true, my boy, and it's very warm.</p> + +<p>There was a panic this morning in financial circles, +owing to the frantic conduct of a gambling chap from +the Senate, who has been saving up money to bet on +the fall of Richmond, and was trying to put it out at +interest. "I'll take seven per cent. for it the first +year," says he, anxiously, "and leave it standing until +national strategy comes to a head."</p> + +<p>A broker took it for five years, my boy, with the +privilege of extending the time after each fresh victory.</p> + +<p>Speaking of victories, my boy, I was present at the +recent series of triumphs by the Mackerel Brigade, on +the left shore of Duck Lake, and witnessed a succession +of feats calculated to culminate either in the fall +of Richmond or the fall of the year.</p> + +<p>From the head-quarters in the city of Paris to the +brink of Duck Lake, the Mackerels were drawn up in +gorgeous line of battle, their bayonets resembling +somewhat an uncombed head of steel hair, and their +noses looking like a wavy strip of summer sunset. By +their last great stragetical manœuvre, they had lured +the Southern Confederacy to court its own destruction +<!--063.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[p. 64]</a></span> +by flanking them at both ends of the line, and they +were only waiting for the master-mind to give them +the signal.</p> + +<p>Samyule Sa-mith advanced from this place in the +staff as I rode up, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Comrades, the General depends on you to precede +him to glory. We had hoped," says Samyule, feelingly, +"to have the company of two French counts in +this day's slaughter; but those two noble Gauls had +not time to wait, as they desired to visit the Great Exhibition +in London."</p> + +<p>These remarks were well received, my boy; and +when the order was given for Company 3, Regiment +5, to detour to the left, it would have been promptly +obeyed but for an unforeseen incident. Just as Captain +Villiam Brown was about to break line for the +purpose, an aged chap came dashing down from a +First Family country-seat near by, and says he to the +General of the Mackerel Brigade:</p> + +<p>"I demand a guard for my premises immediately. +My wife," says he, with dignity, "has just been making +a custard-pie for the sick Confederacies in the hospital, +and as she has just set it out to cool near where +my little boy shot one of your vandals this morning, +she is afraid it might be taken by your thieving mudsills +when they came after the body. I, therefore, +demand a guard for my premises, in the name of the +Constitution of our forefathers."</p> + +<p>Here Captain Bob Shorty stepped forward, and +says he:</p> + +<p>"What does the Constitution say about custard pie, +Mr. Davis?" +<!--064.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[p. 65]</a></span></p> + +<p>The aged chap spat at him, and says he:</p> + +<p>"I claim protection under that clause which refers +to the pursuit of happiness. Custard pies," says he, +reasoningly, "are included in the pursuit of happiness."</p> + +<p>"That's very true," says the General, looking kindly +over his fan at the venerable petitioner. "Let a +guard be detailed to protect this good old man's premises. +We are fighting <i>for</i> the Constitution, not +against it."</p> + +<p>A guard was detailed, my boy, with orders to make +no resistance if they were fired upon occasionally from +the windows of the house; and then Captain Villiam +Brown pushed forward with what was left of Company +3, to engage the Confederacy on the edge of Duck +Lake, supported by the Orange County Howitzers. +Headed by the band, who played patriotic airs as +soon as he could shake the crumbs out of his key-bugle, +the cavalcade advanced to the edge of the lake +and opened a heavy salute of round shot and musketry +on the atmosphere, whilst Commodore Head kept up +a hot fire at the horizon with his iron-plated fleet and +swivel gun.</p> + +<p>Only waiting to finish a game of base ball, in which +they had been engaged, four regiments of Confederacies, +at whom this deadly assault was directed, threw +aside their bats and ball dresses, put on their uniforms, +loaded their muskets and batteries, and sent an +iron shower in all directions. Greatly demoralized by +this unseemly occurrence, a file of Mackerels under +Sergeant O'Pake immediately threw down their muskets +and knapsacks, emptied their pockets upon the +<!--065.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[p. 66]</a></span> +ground, piled their neckties in a heap, and were making +a rapid retrograde movement, when Villiam suddenly +threw himself in their path, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Where are you going to, my fearless eaglets?"</p> + +<p>"Hem!" says the sergeant, with much French in +his manner, "we thought of visiting the Great Exhibition +in London."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, understandingly, "you have +acquired French in one easy lesson, and—"</p> + +<p>Here an orderly rode up with an order for the +Mackerels to fall back from the edge of the Lake immediately, +leaving their artillery, bayonets, havelocks, +and baggage behind them; and Villiam was obliged +to conduct the movement, which was a part of the +strategical scheme of the General of the Mackerel +Brigade. As we retreated back into Paris, my boy, +we were joined by the Conic Section, and shortly after +by the Anatomical Cavalry, both of which had succeeded +in leaving all their accoutrements on the field.</p> + +<p>As we all rushed together before head-quarters in +perfect order, and while the Confederacy was eating +some provisions, which we had refrained from bringing +off the late scene of conflict, the General of the +Mackerel Brigade came from under a tree, where he +had been tanning himself, and says he:</p> + +<p>"My children, we have whipped them at all points, +and the day is ours."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, abstractedly, "the day is +hours."</p> + +<p>"My children," says the General, in continuation, +"we have pushed the enemy to the wall without fracturing +the Constitution, and have only put the war +<!--066.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[p. 67]</a></span> +back six months. We can say with pride, my children, +that we belong to the Army of Duck Lake, and +shall have no more Bull Runs. My children, I love +you. Accept my blessing."</p> + +<p>We were reflecting upon this soul-stirring speech, +my boy, and silently admiring the strategy which had +brought us all together again so soon, when the sound +of drum and fife called our attention to a club of political +chaps who had just arrived by steamer from the +Sixth Ward, and were filing past us to a platform recently +erected in the very centre of Paris.</p> + +<p>"I do believe," says Captain Bob Shorty, whisperingly, +"I do believe we're going to have a mass meeting."</p> + +<p>Onward went the political chaps to the platform.</p> + +<p>A delegation mounted the steps, advanced to the +front rails, and commenced unfurling a vast linen +banner. The sun was just setting, my boy, and as his +parting beams fell upon the uplifted faces of the political +chaps, a soft breeze unrolled the standard, and the +Mackerels read upon its folds—</p> + +<div class="center" style="width: 22em; margin: auto; border: dotted 2px; padding: 1em;"> +<div style="display: inline; line-height: 2em;"> +REGULAR CONSERVATIVE NOMINATION<br /> +FOR<br /> +PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES<br /> +IN 1865.<br /> +THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. +</div> +</div> + +<p>Shall it be said, after this, that republics are ungrateful? +I think not, my boy—I think not. We +<!--067.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[p. 68]</a></span> +have won a great and glorious victory, and the only +question remaining to be answered is, Who is responsible +for it, my boy—who is responsible for it?</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, in bewilderment,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /> +</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<!--068.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[p. 69]</a></span></p> +<h3><a name="LETTER_LVI" id="LETTER_LVI"></a>LETTER LVI.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE +BY THE EXECUTIVE, AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE +FESTIVE SHENANDOAH VALLEY.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 19th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Permit me to return thanks through your mail, my +boy, for a large feather fan recently consigned to my +address by one of the admiring Women of America. +It looks like a tail freshly plucked from a large-sized +American eagle, and is decorated with a French-plate +mirror in the centre and other French plates around +the edges. The kind-hearted woman of America (who +writes from Boston) says in her presentation note—"I +admire to see a fan in the hands of the sterner sex; for +it shows that the same hero-fist that grasps the sword +has enough inherent gentleness to wave the cooling +bauble. Such is life. The hand which falls like +a hundred pounds of granite on the flinty eye of his +ke-yuntery's foes has the softness of a blessing when +it caresses the golden head of plastic childhood.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, gushingly, Zephyrina Percy."<br /> +</p> + +<p>I find the "cooling bauble" very useful to brush the +flies from my gothic steed Pegasus, my boy, and am +a fanatic "to this extent, no more."</p> + +<!--069.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[p. 70]</a></span></p> + +<p>And here is what another young woman of America +says to me in a note:</p> + +<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div> + +<p>"My ma requests me to tell you that you ought to +be ashamed of yourself, you hateful thing, for encouraging +the vulgar people to be in favor of this nasty +war, that is causing their superiors so much trouble, +and has driven away the opera, and made enemies of +those nice Southerners, with their beautiful big eyes +and elegant swearing. Why don't you advocate a +compromise, or a Habeas Corpus, or some other paper +with names to it, and get Mr. Lincoln to stop the Constitution +and order the war to be ended before there's +any more assassinations and things? My pa was once +a leather banker, and sold shoes for plantation servants, +and made a great deal of money by it; but now +he's a captain, or a surveyor, or some ridiculous thing, +of the Home Guard, and may be massacred in cold +blood the first time there's a battle in our neighborhood. +My pa has to go to drill every night, and when +he comes home in the morning he's so worn out with +exhaustion that I've known him to lay right down in +the hall and shed tears. My ma often says, that if +Beauregard, or Palmerston, or any other foes should +attack our house while pa is in that state, it would kill +her dead. And I know it would make me so nervous +that I should be a perfect fright for a week. My brother, +Adolphus, has likewise joined the Home Guard, +and has already had a bloody engagement with a +Southerner named Tailor, who used to sell him clothes +when the two sections were at peace. Adolphus says +if it hadn't been for his double-quick, or some ridiculous +<!--070.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[p. 71]</a></span> +military thing or other, he would have been made +a prisoner. It makes me sick to see how much lowness +there is about Adolphus since he joined the ridiculous +army; he calls his dinner 'rations,' and addresses me +as 'Corporal Lollypop,' (the absurd thing!) and calls +ma's crinoline a 'counter-scarp.'</p> + +<p>"My pa says that he shall have to sell the carriage +and the beautiful dog-cart if this hateful war don't end +by the first of next month; and when I asked him yesterday +if we couldn't have the gothic villa next to the +Jones's at Newport this summer, he actually swore! +The Joneses, you know, are very pleasant, sociable, +vulgar sort of people, with a little money; and it +would kill me to see them putting on airs over us because +we didn't happen to take a cottage with bow-windows +like them. My pa says that old Jones has got a +contract to make clothes for the soldiers, and has made +a great deal of money by manufacturing coats and +other ridiculous things out of blue paper instead of +cloth. Augustus Jones says if he don't meet me at +Newport this summer he will enlist as soon as he comes +back; and it would be just like the absurd creature to +do it. I don't see why pa can't get out an indictment +or something against the blockade, and call on the +postmaster or some other ridiculous thing to send his +new stock of plantation shoes to Alabama under a +guard, and bring back the money. I don't see the +use of living in a republic if one can't do that much. +My ma says that you newspaper people could stop the +dreadful war if you would only advocate compromises +and things, and not be so ridiculous. Why can't you +leave out some of those absurd advertisements, and +<!--071.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[p. 72]</a></span> +publish an article telling Mr. Lincoln that the war is +ruining society? If it continues much longer, I shall +have to wear my last year's bonnet a whole month, +and I'd rather die. Do say something absurd, you +ridiculous thing."</p> + +<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div> + +<p>Have the war stopped right away, my boy,—have +the war stopped right away.</p> + +<p>Matters and things here are still in a strategic condition, +and naught has disturbed our monotony, for a +week, save a story they tell about the Honest Old Abe. +It seems that two of the conservative Border State +chaps, who are here for the express purpose of protesting +against everything whatever, had a discussion +about the Honest Abe, and one chap bet the other +chap five dollars that he couldn't, by any possible +means, speak to the President without hearing a small +anecdote.</p> + +<p>"Done!" says the other chap, gleefully, "I'll take +the bet."</p> + +<p>That very same night, at about twelve o'clock, he +tore frantically up to the White House, and commenced +thundering at the door like King Richard at +the gates of Ascalon. The Honest Abe stuck his +night-capped head out of the window, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Is that you, Mr. Seward?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir," says the Border State chap, glaring up +through the darkness. "I'm a messenger from the +army. Another great strategic movement has taken +place, and our whole army have been taken prisoners +by the Southern Confederacy. In fact," says the conservative +<!--072.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[p. 73]</a></span> +chap, frantically, "the backbone of the rebellion +is broken <span class="smcap">AGAIN</span>."</p> + +<p>"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, shaking a musquito +from his nightcap, "this strategy reminds me of a little +story. There was a man, out in Iowa, sat down to +play a game of checkers with another man, inducing +his friends around him to lend him the change necessary +for stakes. He played and he played, and he +lost the first game. Then he played much more cautiously, +and lost the next game. His friends commenced +to grumble; but, says he: 'Don't you worry +yourselves, boys, and I'll show you a cute move +pretty soon.' So he played, and he played, and he +lost the third game. 'Don't be impatient, boys,' says +he; 'you'll see that great move pretty soon, I tell +you.' Then he played with great care, taking a long +time to consider every move, and, by way of change, +lost the fourth game. Close attention to what he was +about, and much minute calculation, also enabled him +to lose the fifth game. By this time his friends +had lent him all their change, and began to think +it was time for that great move of his to come off. +'Have you any more change?' says he. 'Why, no,' +says they. 'Then,' says he, with great spirit, 'the +time for that move I was telling you about has come at +last.' As he commenced to rise from his chair, instead +of continuing to play, his cleaned-out friends bethought +themselves to ask him what that famous +move was? 'Why,' says he, pleasantly, 'it's to move +off for a little more change.'"</p> + +<p>At the conclusion of this quaint tale, my boy, the +Border State chap fled groaning to his quarters at +<!--073.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[p. 74]</a></span> +Willard's, stuck a five-dollar Treasury Note under the +pillow of the other Border State chap, and immediately +took the evening train for the West.</p> + +<p>Such is the story they tell, my boy; but I'm inclined +to accept it merely as a work of fiction, with a truthful +moral. Certain it is, that as strategy increases, +small change grows scarcer, and it is the general opinion +that no small change is needed in military matters.</p> + +<p>In company with a patriotic democratic chap, who +had come up from New York, for the express purpose +of seeing that the negroes of the Southern Confederacy +were not permitted to inform our forces of the +movements of the enemy in contravention of the Constitution, +I made a reconnoissance in force, on Monday, +to the festive Shenandoah Valley. On our way +thither, the democratic chap was greatly bitten by +musquitos, for which he justly blamed the black republicans, +who are trying to break up this Government, +and on our arrival near Winchester, we stumbled +upon a phlegmatic fellow-man in a swallow-tailed +coat and green spectacles, who was seated on a stone +by the roadside, reading the "Impending Crisis." +The democratic chap passed on, swearing, to the nearest +camp; but I paused before this interesting student.</p> + +<p>"Well, old swallow-tails," says I, affably, "what are +you doing in this section?"</p> + +<p>He looked up at me with great severity of countenance, +and says he: "I have come here, young man, to +agitate the Negro Question; to open African schools; +<!--074.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[p. 75]</a></span> +and, peradventure, to start a water cure establishment."</p> + +<p>"What for?" says I.</p> + +<p>"For the love of my species," says he, eagerly, +"and for any little contract in the way of red breeches +and spelling books that may be required for the reclaimed +contrabands?"</p> + +<p>Was this a case of purely disinterested philanthropy? +Perhaps so, my boy, perhaps so; but the +old swallow-tails reminded of a chap I once knew in +the Sixth Ward. He was a high toned moral chap of +much shirt-collar, with a voice that sounded like a +mosquito in the bottom of a fish-horn, and a chin like +a creased apple-dumpling. Years before he had married +a Southern crinoline and talked about the glories +of slavery in a polished and high-moral way; but as +there happened just then to be a chance for him +to run for alderman on the abolition ticket, he experienced +a change of heart, and addressed a meeting +on the evils of human bondage: "My friends," says +he, patting his stomach in a heartfelt manner, "I +once lived at the South and owned slaves; but never +could I feel that it was right. My pastor would say +to me: 'These men-slaves are black, you say; but +have they not the same feelings with you, the same +features—only handsomer?' I felt this to be so, my +friends; I commenced to appreciate the enormity of +holding human souls in bondage."</p> + +<p>Here a susceptible venerable maiden in the audience +became so overpowered by her emotions, that +she placed her head in the lap of a respectable single +gentleman, and fainted away. +<!--075.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[p. 76]</a></span></p> + +<p>"My friends," continued the high-toned moral chap, +"I could not bear the stings of conscience; my nights +were sleepless, but I slept during the day. There was +I, pretending to be a Christian, yet holding men and +women as chattels! Heavens himself was outraged +by it, and I resolved to make a sacrifice for the sake +of principle—to cease to be a slaveholder! I called +my slaves together: I addressed them paternally and +piously, and then I—(here the great, scalding tears +rolled down the cheeks of the orator, and the audience +sobbed horribly)—I bade them be good boys and girls, +and then I—SOLD EVERY ONE OF THEM!"</p> + +<div class="center"><pre> * * * * *</pre></div> + +<p>There was a movement of the audience toward the +door. Men and women went out silently from the +place, exchanging covert glances of smothered agitation +with each other. Only one person remained with +the orator. It was an old file with a blue umbrella, +who had occupied a back seat and paid breathless attention +to all the performances. After the others had +left the hall, he walked deliberately from his seat to +where the high-toned moral chap was still standing, +and gazed into the face of the latter with an expression +of unmitigated wonder. He then walked twice +around him; having done which he confronted him +again, thumped the ferule of his umbrella on the +floor, and says he: "Well!" The old file paused an +instant, and then says he: "well, I'll be dam," and +waddled precipitately from the place.</p> + +<p>I've often thought of it since then, my boy; and +I've always wondered why it was that the solitary +<!--076.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[p. 77]</a></span> +old file with the blue umbrella should say that he be +dam.</p> + +<p>To return to Western Virginia; I found, upon my +arrival in one of the camps near Winchester, that the +patriotic democratic chap was making arrangements +to divide the army there into Wards, instead of regiments, +in order, as he said, that the returns might +come in systematically.</p> + +<p>"For instance," says he, "suppose that in the skirmish +with the Confederacy which is going on just +ahead of us, we should lose—say seventy-five votes; +how much easier it would be to say; the 'Fourth Ward +shows a decrease since last year of seventy-five Republicans', +than to say that such a regiment, of such +a brigade, of such a division, has lost so and so?"</p> + +<p>I was reflecting upon this novel and admirable way +of putting it, my boy, when an orderly came tearing +in, with a report of the skirmishing going on.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" says the patriotic chap to him; "how does +the canvas proceed?"</p> + +<p>"Well," says the orderly, breathlessly, "Banks' outpost +has lost twenty votes in the Tenth Ward by desertions, +and has thirty double-votes wounded; but I +think Banks can still keep neck-and-neck with McDowell."</p> + +<p>"You do, hey?" says the patriotic chap, in great +excitement. "Then McDowell must not lend Banks a +single vote. Tell him to keep his Ward Committees +under cover until Banks gets through with his canvas; +for if he takes part in that, and the election results in +a victory over the Confederacy, Banks will get all the +<!--077.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[p. 78]</a></span> +credit of it, and win the card in the next Nominating +Convention."</p> + +<p>So McDowell's votes didn't re-enforce Banks in the +skirmish, my boy, and Banks lost much popularity by +being worsted, by the Confederacy.</p> + +<p>As soon as the firing had ceased, I went out to meet +some of the returning Wards, and came plump upon +the swallow-tail chap, who was agitating the negro +question in a corner of the late battle-field, surrounded +by fugitive contrabands.</p> + +<p>"Friend of the human race," says I, "how now?"</p> + +<p>"Young man," says he, hastily tying a red silk +pocket-handkerchief about his head, "I am teaching +these oppressed beings to spell, having extemporized +a college on the very scene of their recent emancipation."</p> + +<p>"How far have the collegians progressed?" says I.</p> + +<p>"They have got," says he, "to their a-b, abs. Thus; +a-b, ab; o-abo; l-i li, aboli; t-i-o-n shun—abolition."</p> + +<p>Shameful to relate, my boy, the swallow-tailed chap +had no sooner said this, than a cavalry ward came +charging helter-skelter, right through the college, +tumbling the faculty into the mud, and bruising several +sophomore graduates. Simultaneously, the patriotic +democratic chap appeared on the scene, and insisted +upon it that the contrabands should be immediately +returned to the Southern Confederacy, as this +is a white man's war. "Otherwise," says he, cholerically, +"future reconciliation and reconstruction will +be impossible."</p> + +<p>Fearful that I should become confused a little if I +remained there any longer, my boy, I at once retired +<!--078.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[p. 79]</a></span> +from the place, in company with two sick votes, who +were going home on furlough, and reached this city +again in good order.</p> + +<p>Almost the first fellow-being I met on my return +was a seedy and earnest chap from New York, who +was worth about a quarter in ready money, and had +come to Washington post-haste to pledge the Empire +State's last dollar, and last drop of blood for the vigorous +prosecution of the war.</p> + +<p>"See here, my self-denying Brutus," says I, as we +took Richmond together at the bar, "who commissioned +you to pledge so much as all that?"</p> + +<p>"To tell the truth," says the seedy chap, confidentially, +"it's all I've got left to pledge. I pledged my +pinchbeck chronometer for three dollars," says he, +sadly, "just before I left New York; and I'm trying +this pledge on speculation."</p> + +<p>I have sometimes feared, my boy, that our Uncle +Samuel's concern is turning into a pawnbroking establishment +on a large scale, where they make advances +on everything tangible and intangible, except Richmond, +my boy—except Richmond.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, with a presentiment,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /> +</p> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<!--079.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[p. 80]</a></span></p> +<h3><a name="LETTER_LVII" id="LETTER_LVII"></a>LETTER LVII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING +A FAMILIAR SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE +RURAL DISTRICTS.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 23d, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Yesterday morning, my boy, I refreshed myself by +a lounge across Long Bridge to the fields about Arlington +Heights, where blooming Nature still has verdant +spots untrampled by the iron heel of strategic +war.</p> + +<p>How pleasant is it, my boy, to escape occasionally +from the society of Congressmen and brigadiers, and +take a lazy sprawl in the fragrant fields. It is the +philosopher's way of enjoying Summer's</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 5em">DOLCE FAR NIENTE.</p> + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">I.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Still as a fly in amber, hangs the world<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In a transparent sphere of golden hours,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With not enough of life in all the air<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To stir the shadows or to move the flowers;<br /></span> +<span class="i6">And in the halo broods the angel Sleep,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Wooed from the bosom of the midnight deep<br /></span> +<span class="i4">By her sweet sister Silence, wed to Noon.<br /></span> +<!--080.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[p. 81]</a></span></div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">II.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Held in a soft suspense of summer light,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The generous fields with all their bloom of wealth<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bask in a dream of Plenty for the years,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And breathe the languor of untroubled Health.<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Without a ripple stands the yellow wheat,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Like the Broad Seal of God upon the sheet<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Where Labor's signature appeareth soon.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">III.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">As printed staves of thankful Nature's hymn,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The fence of rails a soothing grace devotes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With clinging vines for bass and treble cleffs<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And wrens and robins here and there for notes;<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Spread out in bars, at equal distance met,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">As though the whole bright summer scene were set<br /></span> +<span class="i4">To the unuttered melody of Rest!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">IV.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Along the hill in light voluptuous wrapt<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The daisy droops amid the staring grass,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And on the plain the rose and lily wait<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For Flora's whispers, that no longer pass;<br /></span> +<span class="i6">While in the shade the violet of blue<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Finds in the stillness reigning nature through,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">That which her gentle modesty loves best.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">V.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The mill-wheel motionless o'ershades the pool,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In whose frail crystal cups its circle dips;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The stream, slow curling, wanders in the sun<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And drains his kisses with its silver lips;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The birch canoe upon its shadow lies,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The pike's last bubble on the water dies,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The water lily sleeps upon her glass.<br /></span> +</div></div> +<!--081.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[p. 82]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">VI.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Here let me linger, in that waking sleep<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Whose dreams are all untinged with haunting dread<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of Morning's finger on the eyelids pressed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To rouse the soul and leave the vision dead.<br /></span> +<span class="i6">And while deep sunk in this soft ecstasy<br /></span> +<span class="i6">I count the pulse of Heaven dreamily,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Let all life's bitterness behind me pass!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">VII.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">How still each leaf of my oak canopy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That holds a forest syllable at heart,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet cannot stir enough in all its veins<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To give the murmured woodland sentence start!<br /></span> +<span class="i6">So still—so still all nature far and near,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">As though the world had checked its breath to hear<br /></span> +<span class="i4">An angel's message from the distant skies!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">VIII.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">This one last glance at earth—one, only one—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To see, as through a vail, the gentle face<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bent o'er me softly, with the timid love<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That half distrusts the sleep which gives it grace.<br /></span> +<span class="i6">The thought that bids mine eyelids half unclose<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Fades to a dream, and out from Summer goes,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">In the brown Autumn of her drooping eyes.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Thus irregular in rhythm and vagrant in measure, my +boy, are the half-sleeping thoughts of a summer noon +<!--082.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[p. 83]</a></span> +in Virginia; and it was fully an hour before I could +summon enough strength of mind to peruse a letter recently +consigned to me by a rustic chap in my native +village.</p> + +<p>This chap describes to me what he calls the "Downfall +of the Dramy," and says he:</p> + +<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div> + +<p>The Dramy is a article for which I have great taste, +and which I prefer to prayer-meeting as a regular thing. +Since the time I wore breeches intended to facilitate frequent +spankings, I have looked upon theatrical artiks +with a speeshees of excitement not to be egspressed. I +was once paying teller to a barber artik who shaved a +great theatrical artik, and although the theatrical +artik never could pay for his shaving until he drew +his celery, he always frowned so splendidly when he +turned down his collar, and said: "What ho! there +Figaro," that my infant mind yearned to ask him for +a few tickets to the show.</p> + +<p>This great respek for the dramy has grown with +my hair, and since this high old war has desolated the +dramy, my buzzom has been nothing else but a wilderness +of pangs. The other evening, my fren—which +is courting a six story house with a woman in +the title deed—called at my shattoe, and proposed +that we should wander amid the ruins of the dramy. +"It's rejooced to a skellington," says he, quite mournful, +"and its <i>E pluribus Onion</i> is gone down into the +hocean wave." As my friend used this strong egspression, +he tried to wink at me, but didn't get farther +than a hik-cup. Arm in-arm, like two Siamese-twins +in rejooced circumstances, we walked in speechless +<!--083.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[p. 84]</a></span> +silence to what was formerly the entrance half of a +theatre in the pallermy days of the dramy. It was +like the entrance to the great desert of Sary, and +as we groped our way through the grass to the ticket +office, I observed six wild geese and a raccoon in a +jungle that was a umberella stand in the pallermy +days. The treasurer was entirely covered with cobwebs, +which had been accumulating since the day he +last saw speshee, and when he at last tore himself out, +the sight of the quarter which I handed in sent him +into immediate convulsions.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me," says he, "if I weep over this preshus +coin; but the force of old associations is too much for +this affectionate heart."</p> + +<p>He then sent a fly-blown little boy for a tumbler of +brandy, and was weeping into it copious when we +emerged from his presence. Upon entering the shattered +temple of the dramy, we found a vetrun of +1812, which the manager had hired to keep company +with the man what lit the gas, that artik having +declared that if he was kept in solitude any longer he +should shoot himself from sheer melancholy. It was +the vetrun's business to keep moving from seat to +seat until the performance was over, so that the artful +cuss of a manager could say "every seat was +okipied" in the next morning's newspaper. When the +manager, who was representing the orkestra with +a comb wrapt in paper, saw me and my fren, he paused +in the middle of his overture, and said we should have +a private box, but that the families of his principal artiks +were keepin' house in the private boxes, and was +<!--084.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[p. 85]</a></span> +rayther crowded for room. Seeing me put my hand +in my pocket, he said, tearful:</p> + +<p>"Tellum me, I conjure ye, are there any such +things as quarters in the round world? It is now six +months since I last mingled with the world, and I +really forget how many make a dollar."</p> + +<p>Touched to the quick by his plaintiff tone, I drew +forth a quarter, and held it before his anguished vision. +Never shall I forget how his eyes was sot +on that ravishing coin.</p> + +<p>"Can it indeed be real?" says he, "or is it but +a quarter of the mind?"</p> + +<p>I was afeard he might come the "let me clutch +thee" dodge if I inflamed his imagination any longer; +so I put it back into my pocket, and axidently revealed +the handle of my revolver.</p> + +<p>When my fren had cut the damp grass away from +one of the orchestra seats with his jack-knife, we sat +down and put up an umbrella to keep off the dew. Being +a little nervous, I asked the manager if there was +any snakes about; and he said he see a couple in the +parroquet last night, but didn't think they had got +down to the orkestra yet. The vetrun, which was the +audience, stoppd chasing a bull-frog in the vestibule +when the manager struck up "Days of Abstinence" +on his comb, and immediately took his seat on chair +No. 1, with which he always commenced. The curting +was then unpinned, and disclosed a scene in a +lumber-yard, with a heavy mortgage on it. The Count +de Mahoginy is discovered in the ak of leaving his +young wife, who is seated on a pile of shavings, for +the purpose of obtaining immediate relief from the +<!--085.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[p. 86]</a></span> +Union Defence Committee. The vetrun received him +with great applause, and moved from seat to seat +as though he was in a hurry to reach the gallery. +When the artik spoke, there was so much empty +stomik in his tones, that my fren said he seemed like +a bean from another world. My fren is a spiritualist. +The artik then went off at the left entrance, and immediately +returned in the character of his own uncle, +which had come home from California with two millions +of dollars, and wished to give it to his affectionate +nephew and niece. He found his niece in the lumber-yard, +and having heard her sad story, divulged his +intention to her and she immediately danced a Spanish +<i>par</i> (which is French), and sung four songs in honor +of the sixty-ninth regiment. Then the uncle danced a +hornpipe, which he learned on the hocean; and so +they kept agoin till about nine o'clock, when the +countess said she heard her husband coming. The +uncle was so taken aback by this, that he immediately +made himself into a tableau representing the last +charge of the Fire Zouaves at Bull Run: and as the +comb struck up "I'm a loan, all a loan," the curtain +was pinned up again. Just as the performance ended, +the manager explained that he could only aford to +keep two artiks—a male and female, and <i>they</i> only +stayed because he had a mortgage on their wardrobes +for over-drawed celery. "I'll light you to the door," +says he, taking up one of the foot-lights, which was +a turnip with a candle in it; "and I hope you'll come +again when we projooce our new play. It's called +'The gas man's last charge,' and introjoces a real gas-meter +and the sheriff."</p> + +<!--086.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[p. 87]</a></span></p> + +<p>My fren and I made no reply, but walked sadly +from the ruins with tears in our eyes.</p> + +<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div> + +<p>The regular Drama, my boy, cannot hope to succeed, +while the war which now monopolizes all attention +is believed by some critics to be a regular farce.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, tragically,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<!--087.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[p. 88]</a></span></p> +<h3><a name="LETTER_LVIII" id="LETTER_LVIII"></a>LETTER LVIII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED +AN AFFECTING GENERAL ORDER; EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES +OF A SPADE-CAMPAIGN AS EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND +CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF NAVAL STRATEGY.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 26th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>The high-minded and chivalrous Confederacy having +refused to consider itself worsted in our recent great +strategic victory near Paris, my boy, it only remained +for the General of the Mackerel Brigade to commence +undermining the Confederacy, after the manner of a +civil engineer; and when last I visited the lines, I +found a select assortment of Mackerels engaged in the +balmy summer pastime of digging holes, and dying +natural deaths in them.</p> + +<p>There was one chap with an illuminated nose, who +attracted my particular attention by landing a spade-full +of sacred soil very neatly in my bosom, and says +I to him:</p> + +<p>"Well, my gallant sexton, how do the obsequies progress?"</p> + +<p>"Beautiful," says he, pausing long enough to take +a powder which the surgeon had left with him. "We've +just struck a large vein of typhoid fever, and them air +Peninsula veterans, which, you see in them holes yonder, +<!--088.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[p. 89]</a></span> +are already delirious with it. Really," says the +chap, with an air of quiet enjoyment, as he climbed +into the hospital litter, just sent after him—"really, +there's a smart chance of pushing on our cemetery to +Richmond before the roads become impassable again."</p> + +<p>I was looking after him, as the bearers carried him +off, my boy, when I saw Captain Villiam Brown ambling +leisurely toward me on his geometrical steed, +Euclid, alternately perusing a paper which he held in +his right hand, and discussing a canteen in his left. +The countenance of the warrior was thoughtful, and +his shovel swung listlessly against the charger's flank.</p> + +<p>"How now, my Jack of Spades?" says I, sportively.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, slowly descending from the +roof of his stallion, and suffering the latter to lean +against a tree, "here is a new Proclamation for the +moral refreshment of the United States of America. +Read this impartial edick," says Villiam impressively, +"and you will find it worthy of the Union Track Society."</p> + +<p>I took the official parchment, my boy, and found inscribed +upon it the following affecting</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">GENERAL ORDER.</p> + +<p>Whereas, the United States of America now finds +himself engaged in an unnatural struggle with the +celebrated Southern Confederacy, for the Union which +our forefathers planted; and it being our object to +show the world that our intentions are honorable; it +is hereby ordered, that the Mackerel Brigade do take +possession of all guns, pistols, and howitzers previously +fired at them by persons now in arms against this government, +<!--089.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[p. 90]</a></span> +keeping strict account of said weapons, in order +that their owners may be duly and amicably paid +for them hereafter. It is further ordered that persons +of Mackerel descent, occupying the cultivated grounds +of the aforesaid Southern Confederacy, shall keep +strict account of the time spent upon the same, in order +that reasonable rent may be paid for the same as +soon as the United States of America shall resume +specie payment.</p> + +<p class="right"> +By order of<br /> +<span class="smcap">The General of the Mackerel Brigade</span>.<br /> +<span class="smcap">Green Seal</span>,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Vintage of</span> 1776.<br /> +</p> + +<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div> + +<p>Having perused this document with much attention, +I handed it back to Villiam, and says I:</p> + +<p>"In purity of moral tone, my hero, that paper is +worthy the descendant of 1776."</p> + +<p>"1776!" says Villiam, reflectively. "Ah!" says +Villiam, "it takes strategy to revive recollections of +those days. We have at least seventeen hundred and +seventy sick ones in our new hospital already. Come +with me," says Villiam, genially, "and we will survey +the interior aspeck of Strategy Hall."</p> + +<p>Strategy Hall, my boy, is a fine airy hospital extemporized +from a barn, on the estate of a prominent +Southern Union man, now commanding a regiment +of Confederacies. The house itself would have been +taken, as it had somewhat more roof than the barn, +and a little more shade; but when the General of the +Mackerel Brigade learned that Washington had once +thought of taking a second mortgage on it, he gave +<!--090.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[p. 91]</a></span> +orders that no Mackerel should go within half a mile +of the front door.</p> + +<p>On entering Strategy Hall, I beheld a scene calculated +to elevate sickness into a virtue, and shed immortal +lustre upon the kind-hearted women of America. +Comfortably stretched upon rails taken from Confederate +fences, and of which a strict account had been +kept, with a view to future compensation, were a +whole section of the Mackerel Brigade, in the full +enjoyment of strategic health. Over each chap's +head hung his shovel, and a shingle inscribed with his +name and address. Thus, the shingle nearest me +read: "Spoony Bill, Hose Company 123, New York +Fire Department."</p> + +<p>And woman—lovely woman! was there, administering +hot drinks to the fevered head, bathing with +ice-water the brow of those shivering with the cruel +ague, pouring rich gruel over the chin and neck of +the nervous sufferer, and reading good books to the +raving and delirious. It was with a species of holy +awe that I beheld one of those human angels stand a +hot coffee-pot upon the upturned face of one invalid, +while she hastily flew to fill the right ear of a more +urgent sufferer with cologne-water. And then to see +her softly place one of the portable furnaces upon a +very sick Mackerel's stomach, while she warmed the +water with which his beloved head was presently to +be shaved; and to see her bending over to ask one of +the more dangerously ill ones if he would not like a +nice fat piece of fresh pork, while the other end of her +crinoline was scraping the head of the Mackerel on +the opposite rail. +<!--091.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[p. 92]</a></span></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"O woman! in our hours of ease,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And variable as the shade<br /></span> +<span class="i0">By the light, quivering aspen made;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When pain and anguish wring the brow<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A ministering angel thou."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>I could have remained here all day, my boy; for I +found the berries, ice-cream, and liquors, prepared for +the patients, really excellent; but Villiam hinted to +me that a splendid piece of naval strategy was just +about to come off on Duck Lake, and I desired to witness +our national triumph on the ocean wave.</p> + +<p>Having quitted Strategy Hall, I repaired to the +shore of Duck Lake, where numerous Mackerels were +already watching Commodore Head's fleet as it lay +waiting for an expected rebel ram on the treacherous +element. It appeared that a lurking Confederacy +in Paris had waited until the Mackerels were all in +their holes one day, and then hastily constructed an +iron-plated ram from an old dry-goods box and two +cooking stoves. With this formidable monster, he +designed offering irregular opposition to the Government +in the way of killing a few vandal regiments, +after which he proposed to repair to the Confederate +side of Duck Lake, and send the particulars of his +victory to Europe through some of the more vigilantly +blockaded Southern ports. He had completed his +ram, my boy, and hidden it under some hay on the +Lake shore, ready to commence his carnage when the +time came; but one of the Mackerels happened to see +it when he went fishing, and Commodore Head was +<!--092.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[p. 93]</a></span> +at once ordered to have his iron-plated squadron in +readiness to intercept and destroy the monster when +she should appear.</p> + +<p>"Riddle my turret!" says the Commodore, in his +marine manner, as he sighted his swivel gun and +placed his fishing-rod and box of bait near his stool +on the quarter-deck, "I feel like grappling with half-a-dozen +rams of chivalry—loosen my plates! if I +don't."</p> + +<p>And there we stood on that hot July afternoon, +watching the noble craft as she sat like a duck on the +water, the Mackerel crew sitting aft picking a marrow-bone, +and the venerable Commodore tilted back +on his stool upon the quarter-deck, fishing for bass.</p> + +<p>Presently we could see the treacherous Confederacy +stealing down to where his iron-plated monster lay +hidden. Softly he removed the covering of hay, and +cautiously did he place the ram in the water, carefully +examining the priming of the old-fashioned blunderbuss +he carried under his arm, as he stepped into this +new Merrimac, and quietly raising his umbrella with +one hand, while he paddled off with the other.</p> + +<p>The distance between our fleet and the spectator +being fully two yards, Villiam had thoughtfully provided +bits of smoked glass for our party, and we now +brought them to bear upon the scene of approaching +slaughter. The Mackerel crew on board our squadron +appeared to be wholly absorbed in the pleasing experiment +of following, with a straw, the motions of a fly +whose wings he had just pulled off, and Commodore +Head had fallen into a refreshing slumber in the midst +<!--093.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[p. 94]</a></span> +of his fishing. In fact, no means had been left unemployed +to guard against a surprise.</p> + +<p>Now, it happened that the nautical Confederacy did +his paddling with his back to the bow of his iron-plated +monster, and before he knew it, his ram went +smack against the Mackerel fleet, with a sound like the +smashing of many dinner-plates. So tremendous was +the shock, that the stool upon which Commodore Head +was tilted, gave way beneath his weight, and he came +down upon the deck with a crash like muffled thunder. +Simultaneously, the Confederacy discharged his blunderbuss +two points to windward, and would have followed +up his advantage by boarding at once; but by +this time the Mackerel crew had recovered his presence +of mind, and poured such a shower upon the +intruder from a watering-pot which he found in the +stern-sheets, that the latter retreated in great disorder.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, our gallant old naval hero had regained +his feet, and having carefully put away his fishing +tackle and box of bait, he made his appearance on +the starboard, with his spy-glass under one arm, his +speaking trumpet under the other, and his log-book +between his teeth.</p> + +<p>No sooner did the now thoroughly exasperated Confederacy +behold his venerable figure, than he hastily +shut up his umbrella and violently cracked him over +the head with it, knocking off his spectacles, and +greatly damaging his new white hat.</p> + +<p>"Batter my armor!" thundered the commodore, +picking up his spectacles and bending them straight +again. "I don't want you to do that again."</p> + +<p>"Scorpion!" roared the Confederacy, dropping his +<!--094.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[p. 95]</a></span> +umbrella, and dancing up and down in his ram, with +his arms in a boxing attitude. "Come on, base old +being!"</p> + +<p>"Then take thy doom," shrieked the maddened +commodore, quickly striking a match on the bottom +of one of his boots, and touching off the swivel gun. +With a report like the explosion of a deadly pistol, +the trusty weapon hurled its contents about two +inches above the head of the Mackerel crew, wildly +tearing off the cap of the latter, and shaking the +staunch craft from stem to stern.</p> + +<p>Somewhat alarmed by this demonstration, the Confederacy +commenced shoving off with his ram, using +his blunderbuss and umbrella as oars, and singing the +Southern Marseillaise.</p> + +<p>"Out with the sculls and give chase!" ejaculated +Commodore Head, in a great perspiration. It was +found, upon examination, that the sculls had been +left on shore, and it was further discovered that the +Mackerel fleet was aground; otherwise our victory +would have been more complete.</p> + +<p>With eyes strained to the utmost we were gazing +upon all this from the beach, when Villiam suddenly +placed a hand upon my arm, and says he: "Hark!"</p> + +<p>We listened. There was a sound as of a faint +human cry. It approached nearer. We could distinguish +words. Nearer and nearer. The words now +came clear and distinct to our quickened ears.</p> + +<p>"Extry a-Her-rr-rr-ald, capture of Vicksburg and +sinking of the rebel ram by Commore Head!"</p> + +<p>Since newspapers have become so plentiful in this +once distracted country, my boy, that even the babe +<!--095.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[p. 96]</a></span> +shews them upon its mother's lap, the poorest man +is enabled to see instantaneously, through a glass as +it were, the most distant events—a glass, my boy, +which makes things appear much larger at a distance +than they seem to those close by.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, admiringly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--096.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[p. 97]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LIX" id="LETTER_LIX"></a>LETTER LIX.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE +GAMMON, AND NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE +MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, August 2d, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Some enthusiasm was excited here in the early part +of the week, my boy, by the return of the Venerable +Gammon from a visit to his aged family at Mugville, +whither he goes regularly once a month for the benefit +of the sagacious chaps of the press. A great blessing +is the Venerable Gammon to the palladium of our liberties, +my boy; for no sooner does our army cease to +change its base of operations, and do other things calculated +to make the war interesting and lengthy, than +he pulls out his ruffles, sighs frequently, and melts +away to Mugville. Then all the sagacious press chaps +rush to the telegraph office and flash feverish paragraphs +to the intelligent morning journals: "Highly +important—Sudden departure of the Venerable Gammon +for Mugville to attend the death-bed of a relative—Believed +in military circles that this indicates a +change in the Cabinet—Border States delegation has +again waited on the President—More vigorous policy +needed."</p> + +<p>Whereupon the editors of all the intelligent morning +<!--097.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[p. 98]</a></span> +journals ecstatically print the paragraphs, affixing to +them: "<i>Note by the Editor.</i>—Washington is a town +in the so called District of Columbia—situated on the +Potomac. We infer from our correspondent's dispatch +that it has not yet been taken by the rebels."</p> + +<p>American journalism, my boy, in presenting a vast +amount of matter daily, is eminently calculated to impress +the youthful brain with a keen sense of what a +wide distinction there is between Mind and Matter.</p> + +<p>Immediately on the return of the Venerable Gammon, +he commenced saying things, which made all the +rest of mankind seem like withered children in comparison +with him. He was beaming genially on the +throng at Willard's, and says I to him:</p> + +<p>"It would appear, my beloved <i>Pater Patria</i>, that +military matters are not quite as interesting as a +woman with a headache just now."</p> + +<p>The Venerable Gammon pitied my youth, and waved +his hand fatly by way of a silent blessing to all the +world. "Military affairs," says he, effulgently, "are +like metaphysics. Military affairs," says the Venerable +Gammon, benignantly, "are like that which we do not +understand—they defy our comprehension and comprehend +our defiance."</p> + +<p>Then all the Congressmen looked at each other, as +much as to say the Union was saved at last; and I felt +like a babe in the presence of the great Behemoth of +the Scriptures.</p> + +<p>How the Venerable Gammon has anything at all +to do with this war, I can't find out, my boy, but +when the affectionate populace learned that the Venerable +Gammon had returned from Mugville, they +<!--098.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[p. 99]</a></span> +swarmed around his carriage, and entreated him either +to spit upon them, or save them from slow decay by a +speech. It was then the Venerable man raised his +hand in soothing benediction, and says he:</p> + +<p>"My friends, you are young yet, and have much to +learn concerning war. I can only say to you, my +friends, that all goes well with McClellan; and, if you +will only hasten to fill up old regiments, raise a few +thousand new ones, and go yourselves, the advance +upon Richmond may commence at any time."</p> + +<p>The most enthusiastic cheering followed this comforting +speech of the Venerable Gammon, and six ecstatic +chaps immediately offered to volunteer as major-generals.</p> + +<p>Shall we presume to talk of drafting, my boy, when +there is such readiness on the part of the people to +lead the troops? I think not, my boy, I think not. +Let the draft be protested.</p> + +<p>On Wednesday I again took a trip to Paris, accompanied +by my frescoed dog, Bologna, and found upon +reaching that city that the Mackerel Brigade had built +itself a theatre, after the manner of Drury Lane, and +was about to partake of the rich intellectual drama. +This chaste temple might possibly be taken for a cowshed, +my boy, by those who are not conversant with +architecture in one story. It occupies a spot which +has been rising ground ever since the Mackerels commenced +to dig trenches around it, and the front door is +so spacious that you have to go all around the building +to find where it stops opening. The seats are similar +to those which are supposed to have been so popular +with the Count de Grasse and the stage is exquisitely +<!--099.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[p. 100]</a></span> +extemporized from several flour-barrels, with a +curtain created from the flannel petticoats recently belonging +to the wife of the Southern Confederacy.</p> + +<p>Passing over all intervening events, my boy, let me +direct your special attention to the night we celebrated, +when I found myself occupying a box (previously used +for crackers) in the temple of the Muses, surrounded +by uniforms and dazzled by the glitter of the shovels +worn by the military celebrities present. In a box +(marked "Sperm Candles—First quality") on my +right, I noticed a number of distinguished persons whom +I did not know, and to the left were grouped several +celebrated visitors with whom I was not acquainted. +The stage itself realized numerous brilliant footlights +in the way of bottles containing gorgeous tallow-dips; +and when the orchestra brought out his key-bugle and +struck up the martial strain of "I want to be an +Angel," there <i>was</i> a dry eye in the house.</p> + +<p>(Make a note of this last unparalleled fact, my boy; +for you, nor any other mortal man, ever heard of its +occurrence before.)</p> + +<p>The curtain having been taken down by a gentleman +who had forgotten to wash himself when the washstand +went round last time, the play commenced; and +I found it to be</p> + +<p class="gentitle"> +THE UNION AS IT WAS.<br /> +<br /> +A HIGH MORAL DRAMA, IN ONE ACK.<br /> +<br /> +BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, ESKEVIRE.<br /> +</p> + +<p>The plot of this admirable work is very simple, my +boy, and appeals to those sentiments of the human +<!--100.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[p. 101]</a></span> +heart which affect the liver. The scene is laid in +Washington, where it has been frequently seen, and +the drama opens with a fine</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 1em;">CONSERVATIVE CHORUS.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Abram, spare the South,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Touch not a single slave:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor e'en by word of mouth,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Disturb the thing we crave.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Twas our forefather's hand<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That Slavery begot;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There, Abram, let it stand<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Thine Acts shall harm it not.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>At the conclusion of this spirited National Anthem, +the Border States chaps who have been singing it are +invited to have another interview with the President, +who has only seen them twice the same morning. As +they pass out, the celebrated Miss Columbia appears, +wrapt in deep thought and the American flag, and +reading the twenty-third proclamation for the current +month. She asks her heart if she is indeed divorced—if +her once happy Union is indeed broken; and as +her heart refuses to answer any such common question, +a doubt is allowed to remain in the bosom of the +spectator. In deep agony she kneels at the monument +of Washington and softly sings "Hail Columbia," +while the Southern Confederacy, who has just +arrived, proceeds to plant batteries all round her, +assisted in the work by reliable contrabands. After +some moments spent in prayer for the repose of Secretary +<!--101.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[p. 102]</a></span> +Welles, Columbia discovered her surroundings, +and is about to make a faint, when the spirit of Napoleon +appears, and tells her she has nothing to fear, as +he is about to change his base of operations, and take +Richmond. He tells her he would have taken it long +before but for the Tribune. This is a very fine scene—very +fine. The spirit of Napoleon then proceeds to +pick up everything he can find and throw it over +to the Southern Confederacy, at the same time swinging +himself around so that his left fist may be presented +to the enemy instead of his right, only pausing long +enough to drive back a reliable contraband who has +started to desert to him. Matters are progressing admirably, +and the Confederacy has only planted 24 +more batteries around Columbia, when the Conservative +Chorus comes tearing back to the scene, with the +news that the President has determined to pay for all +runaway slaves in postage-stamps! This splendid +stroke of policy so completely staggers the Confederacy, +that he only erects thirty-two more batteries, +and acknowledges that his back-bone is broken: +Strange to say, Columbia still labors under the delusion +that she is in danger; but is finally re-assured +by the spirit of Napoleon, who convinces her that all +is going well, and at once draws his shovel and commences +to dig a hole. Columbia asks: "Wherefore +this digging?" To which the response is:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Our Union in its broken state<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is discord to the soul:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And therefore are we digging here<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To make the Union hole."<br /></span> +<!--102.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[p. 103]</a></span></div></div> + +<p>The digging proceeds until the spirit of Napoleon is +sunk deep into the earth, when the Southern Confederacy +deliberately steps over the hole and captures +Washington, at the same time ordering Columbia to +black his boots. Columbia would be utterly bereft +of hope at this turn in affairs but for the cheerful conduct +of the Conservative Chorus, who bid her rejoice +that the good old times have come again. Columbia +then remembers that she did indeed black the boots +of the Confederacy in the good old times, and it suddenly +flashes upon her that the Union is, in truth, restored—<span class="smcap">AS +IT WAS</span>. A brilliant blue light is thrown +upon the scene, and as the curtain falls the Conservative +Chorus are seen in the act of taking all the credit +to themselves and indignantly refusing to pay their +war taxes.</p> + +<p>This affecting drama of real life was played entirely +by gifted Mackerels, my boy, the one who acted +Columbia being possessed of a voice as musical as +that which sometimes comes from between the teeth +of a new saw.</p> + +<p>When the last round of applause had subsided, and +I was leaving the theatre, I came upon the dramatist, +Captain Villiam Brown, who appeared to be waiting +to hear what I had to say about his work. Says I to +him:</p> + +<p>"Well, my versatile Euripides, your play resembles +the better dramas of Æschylus, inasmuch as it is +all Greek to me."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, hastily assuming the attitude +in which Shakspere generally appears in his pictures. +"Did I remind you forcibly of the bard of Avon?" +<!--103.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[p. 104]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes," says I, kindly; "you might easily be taken +for Shakspere—after dark."</p> + +<p>As I turned to leave him, my boy, I could not help +thinking how often the world will call a man a "Second" +So-and-so, long before he has anything like +commenced to be first, even.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, doubtingly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--104.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[p. 105]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LX" id="LETTER_LX"></a>LETTER LX.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN +CLUB, AND THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH +POETS.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, August 5th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>This is a dull day, my boy; and when there is no +longer any sunshine to make steel bayonets and brass +buttons glimmer to the eye, war is stript of half its +pomp, and the American mind takes a plain, practical +view of the strife.</p> + +<p>Truth to tell, this secession is a very shabby, unromantic +thing to fight about. There is really no poetry at +all about it, my boy, and when one would rhyme +about it, the mantle of poesy refuses to fall upon him, +though a bogus sort of Hood may possibly keep him +in countenance. The cause of this war is simply +this—</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 8em;">PER SE.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Sepoys—sea-thieves—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">C. Bonds—see slaves—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">See seizures made in every kind of way;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">See debts sequestrated—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Sea-island frustrated;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Segars—seditionists—and C. S. A.,<br /></span> +<!--105.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[p. 106]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Seduced from honor bright—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Secluded from serenest Wisdom's light—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Sea-pent by ships of war—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Selected planters for the world no more;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Severely snubbed by all—<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Secure to fall;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sedately left alone by all who see<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Seed poisonous sown in sectional retrogression;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">See-saw diplomacy, sedition foui <i>per se</i>;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sequel—that serio-comic scene—<br /></span> +<span class="i6"><span class="smcap">Secession!</span><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Speaking of poetry; I attended the meeting of the +Cosmopolitan Club on Monday night, and was much +electrified by the treasures of British literature unfolded +by Smith-Brown. That double-chinned chap brought +to view a roll of manuscript, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Instead of reading a story for your entertainment, +gentlemen, I propose to make you acquainted with +the war-sentiments of a few of Albion's poet's, as expressed +in certain unpublished verses of theirs which +have privately come into my possession.</p> + +<p>"First, let me commend to your attention some +amiable rhymes by a bard who knows more about this +blarsted country than it knows about hitself":</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 4em;">A MISTAKE BY HEAVEN!</p> + +<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 4.8em;">BY DR. CHARLES MACK—Y.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">In Heaven's Chancery the Records stand<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of men and deeds in each and ev'ry land,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And as new rulers rise, or empires fall,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Appointed angels make a note of all.<br /></span> +<!--106.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[p. 107]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">To mark the changes in this world of late<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There came a Spirit from the Throne of Fate,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Instructed closely, to be sure and see<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who earth's chief rulers for <i>this</i> year might be.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">His task accomplished, back the Spirit flew<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To Heaven's Chancery, as bade to do,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And from his vestments took the mystic scroll<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That named each potentate, from Pole to Pole.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Recording Angels glanced it sharply o'er,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To note each change from what the Records bore;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But found no nations changing potentates<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Until they came to the United States.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Another President!" the angels sighed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Another President!" the Fates replied;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And straight a pen the Chief Recorder took<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To write the ruler's name within his book.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He wrote—(alas! 'twill hardly be believed<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The very angels could be so deceived)—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He wrote the name that all his sprites might read—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Not Abr'am Lincoln; no! but—<span class="smcap">Thurlow Weed</span>.<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><br /></span> +<p> +<span class="i0" style="padding-left: 6em">!! * * * !! * * * !!</span><br /> +</p> +<span class="i0"><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><br /></span> +<span class="i0">If foreign nations fail to judge your cause<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In strict accordance with set Christian laws,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It is no proof of their intending crimes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Since angels, even, make mistakes at times!<br /></span> +<!--107.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[p. 108]</a></span></div></div> + +<p>We were all silent after that, my boy, and says the +old British chap:</p> + +<p>"The next manuscript expresses the conservative +sentiment of Britain's Isle, the measure being peculiar +and the manner inquiring. Hattention!—</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 8em">THE WAR.</p> + +<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 7em">BY SIDNEY DOBELL.</p> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">I.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Oh, the war, the war,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the war, the war,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the war—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With pools of gory, dripping grime,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And ghastly, beastly, horrible rime,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The soldier bloody, stiff and stark—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The cannon thunders, hark! hark!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the war?<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">II.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Oh, the blood, the blood,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the blood, the blood,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the blood—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Curdling, welling, staining the ground,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Bubbling from wounds with sick'ning sound;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The life gone out in a wind of swords,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Murderers leagued in hordes! hordes!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the blood?<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">III.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Oh, the roar, the roar,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the roar, the roar,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the roar—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Thousands grappling, tearing to death,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Fever, madness and hell in a breath;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Rage, despair, oath and scream—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Rivers crimson stream! stream!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the roar?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<!--108.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[p. 109]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">IV.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Oh, the blaze, the blaze,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the blaze, the blaze.<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the blaze,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Homes in flames, lighting the storm,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Torches for death in a brother's form;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Ruin, ravage, ashes and smoke,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hopes and heart-strings broke! broke!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the blaze?<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">V.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Oh, the groan, the groan,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the groan, the groan,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the groan—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Mothers sonless, homeless and old,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sisters brotherless, lone and cold,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Children starving, wailing for bread,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Fathers and brothers dead! dead!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the groan?<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">VI.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Oh, the woe, the woe,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the woe, the woe,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the woe,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Cities famishing, villages still,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Blood in the valley and fire on the hill;<br /></span> +<!--109.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[p. 110]</a></span> +<span class="i2">Horror, havoc, curses and tears,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Dark desolation for years! years!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the woe?<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">VII.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">Oh, the end, the end,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the end, the end,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the end,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Griefs and graves at every hearth,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Heaven offended, outraged Earth:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Prayers for vengeance from ev'ry tomb—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Borne to the living a doom! doom!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the end?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Here Bonbon, the French chap, struck in, and says +he: "Oh, the ass, the ass, <i>Oh</i>, the ass, the ass, <span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the +ass——"</p> + +<p>"Silence, Napoleon!" says the British chap, "and +r-r-remember Waterloo! The next metrical gem," +says he, "illustrates the deeper profundity of British +thought, and conveys a moral lesson of the deepest +significance to babes and sucklings. Hem!"—</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 5.8em">COLUMBIA'S AGONY.</p> + +<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 4em"> +BY MARTIN FARQUHAR TUP——R.<br /> +</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I hold it good—as who shall hold it bad?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To lave Columbia in the boiling tears<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I shed for Freedom when my soul is sad,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And having shed proceed to shed again:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For <i>human sadness sad to all appears</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And tears men sometimes shed are shed by men.<br /></span> +<!--110.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[p. 111]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The normal nation lives until it dies,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As men may die when they have ceased to live;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But when abnormal, by a foe's surprise,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It may not reach its first-appointed goal;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For <i>what we have not is not ours to give</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And if we miss it all we miss the whole.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Columbia, young, a giant baby born,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Aimed at a manhood ere the child had been,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And slipping downward in a strut forlorn,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Learns, to its sorrow, what 'tis good to know,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That <i>babes who walk too soon, too soon begin</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>To walk</i> in this dark vale of life below.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When first the State of Charleston did secede,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And Morrill's tariff was declared repealed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The soul of Freedom everywhere did bleed<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For that which, having seen, it sadly saw;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So true it is, <i>death-wounds are never healed</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And law defied is not unquestioned law.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The mother-poet, England, sadly viewed<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The strife unnatural across the wave,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And with maternal tenderness renewed<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Her sweet assurances of neutral love;<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>A mother's love may not its offspring save;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>But mother's love is still a mother's love.</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Learn thou, Columbia, in thine agony,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That England loves thee, with a love as deep<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As my "Proverbial Philosophy"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Has won for me from her approving breast;<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>The love that never slumbers cannot sleep</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And all for highest good is for the best.<br /></span> +<!--111.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[p. 112]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Thy Freedom fattens on the work of slaves,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Her Grace of Sutherland informeth me;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And all thy South Amboy is full of graves,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Where tortured bondmen snatch a dread repose;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Learn, then, the <i>race enslaved is never free</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And in thy woes incurred, behold thy woes.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Thy pride is humbled, humbled is thy pride,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And now misfortunes come upon thee, thick<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With dark reproaches for the right defied,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And cloud thy banner in a dim eclipse;<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Sic transit gloria gloria transic sic</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The mouth that speaketh useth its own lips.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Thus speeds the world, and thus our planet speeds;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">What is, must be; and what can't be, is not;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Our acts unwise are not our wisest deeds,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And what we do is what ourselves have done;<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Mistakes remembered are not faults forgot</i>,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And we must wait for day to see the sun.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>I looked up at Smith-Brown, my boy, and says I:</p> + +<p>"What does he mean by the 'State of Charleston,' +my fat friend?"</p> + +<p>"Why," says he, "that's a poetic license, or American +geography diluted by the Atlantic. And here +we have something by the gifted hauthor of 'Locksley +Hall,' which it is somewhat in that vein: +<!--112.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[p. 113]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 9em">AMERICA.</p> + +<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 10em">BY ALFRED TEN——N.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Westward, westward flies the eagle, westward with the setting sun,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To an eyrie growing golden in a morning just begun;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where the world is new in promise of a virgin nation's love.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the grand results of ages germs of nobler ages prove;<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Where a prophecy of greatness runs through all the soul of youth,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the miracle of Freedom blesses in a living truth;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where the centuries unnumbered narrow to a single night,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And their trophies are but planets wheeling round a central light.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Where the headlands breast the Ocean sweeping round creation's East,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the prairies roll in blossoms to the Ocean of the West;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where the voices of the seas are blended o'er a nation's birth,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In the harmony of Nature's hymn to Liberty on earth.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Land of Promise! Revelation of a loyalty that springs<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From a grander depth of purple than the heritage of kings—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From the inner purple cherished at the thrones of lives sublime,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cast in glorious consecration 'neath the plough of Father Time—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Home of Freedom, hope of millions born and slain and yet to be,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shall the spirit of the bondless, caught from heaven, fail in thee?<br /></span> +<!--113.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[p. 114]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Shall the watching world behold thee falling from thy starry height?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like a meteor, in thine ending leaving only darker night?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh! my kinsmen, Oh! my brothers—fellow-heirs of Saxon hearts,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Lo the Eagle quits his eyrie swifter than a swallow darts,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the lurid flame of battle burns within his angry eye,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Glowing like a living ember cast in vengeance from the sky.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">At thy hearth a foe has risen, fiercer yet to burn and kill,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That he was thy chosen brother—friend no more, but brother still;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For the bitter tide of hatred deeper runs and fiercer grows,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As the pleading voice of Nature addeth self-reproach to blows.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Strike! and in the ghastly horrors of a fratricidal war,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Learn the folly of your wanderings from the guiding Northern Star;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">What were all your gains and glories, to creation's fatal loss<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When ye crucified your Freedom on the cruel Southern Cross?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh! my brothers narrow-sighted—Oh! my brothers slow to hear<br /></span> +<span class="i0">What the phantoms of the fallen ever whisper in the ear;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">God is just, and from the ruins of the temple rent in twain<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Rises up the invocation of a warning breathed in vain.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">All thy pillars reel around thee from the fury of the blow,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the fires upon thine altars fade and flicker to and fro;<br /></span> +<!--114.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[p. 115]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Call the vigor of thy manhood into arms from head to foot,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Strike! and in thy strife with error let the blow be at the root.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">So thy war shall wear the glory of a purpose to refine<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From the dross of early folly all the honor that is thine;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So thine arms shall gather friendship to the standard of a cause<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Blending in its grand approval British hearts and British laws.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Form thy heroes into armies from the mart and from the field,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And their ranks shall stretch around thee in a bristling, living shield;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Take the loyal beggar's offer; for the war whose cause is just<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Breathes the soul of noblest daring into forms of meanest dust.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Let thy daughters wreathe their chaplets for the foreheads of the brave,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Let thy daughters trace their lineage from the patriot's honored grave;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Woman's love is built the strongest when it rests on woman's pride,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Better be a soldier's widow than a meek civilian's bride.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Onward let thine Eagles lead thee, where the livid Southern sun<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Courts the incense for the heavens of a righteous battle won;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the bright Potomac, winding through the fields unto the sea<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shall no longer mark the libel—what is bond and what is free.<br /></span> +<!--115.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[p. 116]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Rising from the fierce ordeal washed in blood and purified,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">See the future stretch before thee, limitless on every side;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And in all the deep'ning envy of the nations wed to sloth,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Mark the record of thy progress, see the mirror of thy growth.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Rising from thy purifying, like a giant from his rest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Thou shalt find thy praise an echo from the East unto the West;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Thou shalt find thy love a message from the South unto the North,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Each its past mistake of duty finding out and casting forth.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And thy States in new communion, by the blood they all have shed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shall be wedded to each other in the pardon of the dead;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Each, a scale of steel to cover vital part from foreign wrong,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All, a coat of armor guarding that to which they All belong.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Thou shalt measure seas with navies, span the earth with iron rails,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Catch the dawn upon thy banner and the sunset on thy sails;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Northern halls of ice shall echo to thy sailor's merry note,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the standard of thy soldier on the Southern isle shall float.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Turning to thy mother, England, thou shalt find her making boast<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of the Great Republic westward, born of strength that she has lost;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And thy Saxon blood shall join ye, never to be torn apart,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Moving onward to the future, hand in hand and heart to heart.<br /></span> +<!--116.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[p. 117]</a></span></div></div> + +<p>At the conclusion of this last reading, my boy, we +separated. When we are "heart to heart" with +England, my boy, the heart that is underneath may +possibly have ceased to beat.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, to beat, or not to beat,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--117.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[p. 118]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXI" id="LETTER_LXI"></a>LETTER LXI.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY, +DESCRIBING THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING +THE LATEST EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING +A DRAFTING ITEM.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., August 9th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>If tired Nature's sweet restorer, balmy Sleep, should +ever take it into her head to invade our distracted +country, she would meet with less resistance in Washington +than it is possible for the able-bodied mind to +comprehend. Notwithstanding the fact that President +Lincoln is an honest man, my boy, the genius of +Slumber has opened a large wholesale establishment +here, and the tendency to repose is so general that +the authorities are just able to wink at secession sympathizers. +It takes so long to get the news of the +war from New York, that our citizens grow languid in +the intervals. On Monday, indeed, an enterprising +chap from Nantucket opened a Museum on the outskirts +of the town, by way of varying the monotony, +and quite a numerous crowd assembled to witness the +performance. This Museum comprises a real two +shilling piece, inclosed in a strong glass case, to preserve +it from the violence of the mob, and even +respectable old married men go to see it, for the sake +of past associations. On the occasion of my visit to +<!--118.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[p. 119]</a></span> +this unique establishment I arrived shortly before the +exhibition began, and found a brilliant array of +beauty and fashion for an audience. It was quite +interesting, my boy, to hear the conversation going +on. There was a fine young chap just in front of me +who has recently been appointed to the staff of the +Commander-in-Chief in consequence of his great experience +in the coal business, and says he to another +Lubin's Extracts chap:</p> + +<p>"Fwedwick, who is that wavishing creatchah ovah +they-ar, with the Peach-Orchard eyes and Lehigh +hair?"</p> + +<p>"Aw, dimmy," says Lubin's Extracts, "that's the +great heiress. She's worth eighty thousand postage-stamps."</p> + +<p>"The wed kind?" says the young staff-chap, eagerly—"is +it the sticky wed kind, Fwed?"</p> + +<p>"No," says Lubin's Extracts, scornfully; "it's the +green ten cent kind."</p> + +<p>"Intwojoose me," says the staff-chap, excitedly—"intwojoose +me, Fwed; I must know her—upon my +soul I must."</p> + +<p>Upon his soul, my boy—he said upon his <i>soul</i>! +When it is possible for an introduction to take place +upon such a soul as that, my boy, it will be comparatively +able to manœuvre an elephant brigade on the +extreme point of an infant needle.</p> + +<p>When the manager of the Museum came out to lecture +upon his great natural curiosity, there was immediate +silence; and when the case was uncovered, revealing +the quarter to full view, several very old gentlemen +<!--119.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[p. 120]</a></span> +fainted! Alas! they remembered the time +when—but no matter now—no matter now.</p> + +<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," says the manager, pointing +solemnly to his treasure, "the rare and beautiful +coin which you now behold was well known to our +forefathers, who stamped the figure of Liberty upon +it, in order to show the world that this is the only +country where man is at Liberty to deal in slaves by +way of financial speculation. This rare coin disappeared +as soon as the Liberty I speak of seemed to be +endangered, nor will it reappear in this country again +while there are so many brokers ahead."</p> + +<p>On quitting this admirable exhibition, my boy, I did +not return to this city, but went immediately down to +Accomac, to attend the great Union meeting. Accomac, +my boy, has at length determined that this war +shall be vigorously carried on, even if it takes several +public speakers to say so; and the conduct of Accomac, +in calling a meeting for such a purpose, reminds +me of a chap in the Sixth Ward.</p> + +<p>He was a respectable family chap, who had formed +a partnership with all his neighbors for the express +purpose of taking entire and exclusive charge of their +business for them, and evinced such a deep interest in +the most private affairs of his friends, that absence +did not conquer their love for him. One Sunday there +was a city missionary at the church he attended, who +implored the aid and prayers of the congregation in +behalf of a poor but pious family, who were starving +to death around the corner. "Hev any tracts been +left with our suffering frens?" says the respectable +chap, rising in his pew and pinching his benevolent +<!--120.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[p. 121]</a></span> +chin thoughtfully. "Yes," says the missionary, sadly, +"we sent them some tracts on the immortality of the +soul; but, horrible to relate, they gained no flesh by +them." The respectable chap, who was a baker by +profession, was much moved by this revelation of +human depravity, and says he to a bald-headed chap +in the next pew: "Brother Jones, you must attend to +this sad case in the morning. We must remember our +fellow-beings in affliction, Brother Jones. Early to-morrow +you must take some bread to this suffering +family. If you have no bread of your own, Brother +Jones," says the respectable chap, feelingly, "come to +my shop and I—I will sell you some for this charitable +purpose." But Brother Jones proved to be a +grievous backslider, my boy, and said he had an +engagement to go to Hoboken on the morning in +question. "Very well," says the respectable chap, +when he heard this, "then I will arrange it in another +way. Tell our starving brothers and sisters to have +faith," says he to the missionary, in a heartfelt manner, +"and they shall be fed, even as the ravings fed +my old friend Elijah." So, the next day he called a +meeting of brethren to pray that food might be sent +to the suffering ones, and they used up the entire English +language in prayer to such an extent, that when +the respectable chap topped off with a benediction, he +had to introduce some Latin quotations. They had +just finished this noble work of Christian benevolence, +when the missionary came tearing in, and says he: +"It's all over; they're all dead; the last child starved to +death half an hour ago." The respectable chap stared +at him aghast, and says he: "Did you tell them to +<!--121.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[p. 122]</a></span> +have faith?" The missionary cracked a peanut, and +says he: "Verily, I did; but they said they couldn't +have faith on empty stomachs." The respectable chap +pondered a while, and says he: "If they didn't have +faith, my frens, the whole matter is explained. We, +at least, have done our duty. We have prayed for +them, frens—we have prayed for them." And the +brethren went home to their dinners.</p> + +<p>Public mass meetings, my boy, to help a struggling +country, are like prayer-meetings to aid the starving +poor; the intention is good, but the practical benefit +resulting therefrom is not visible to the naked eye.</p> + +<p>There was a large meeting at Accomac, several new +liquor-shops having been opened there recently, and +the speakers were as eloquent as it is possible for men +to be when advising other men to do what they don't +care to do themselves. A chap of large abdominal +developments was specially fervid. Says he: "Let us +show to them as is tyrants and reveling in the agonies +of down-trodden Europe, that this Republic is able to +put down all enemies whatsomever, without interfering +with any of the inalienable rights of those who, +though our enemies, are still our long-lost brothers. +(Frantic applause.) Shall it be said that twenty-two +millions of people cannot put down eight millions +without injuring those eight millions? (Shrieks of +approbation, and cries of "That's so!") No! a thousand +times no! We fight, not to injure the South; +not to interfere with them, which is our own flesh and +blood, but to sustain the Constitution rendered sacred +by Revolutionary gore! (Overwhelming enthusiasm.) +The creatures which is trying to break up this here +<!--122.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[p. 123]</a></span> +beneficent Government, ask us what we are fighting +for, then? Gracious hevings! what a question is this! +Do they not know what we are fighting for—that in +this unhappy struggle we—that our purpose, I would +say, in prosecuting hostilities is to—is to—DO IT? +Of course it is."</p> + +<p>This speech, short, terse, and to the purpose, was +gloriously received by everybody, except a friendless +chap, who said he didn't understand the last clause; +and he was immediately sent to jail for daring to be so +traitorously obtuse.</p> + +<p>Though the General of the Mackerel Brigade was +seated upon the highest barrel on the platform, my +boy, and blew his nose louder than any one else, he did +not wish to be seen, nor did he intend that the assemblage +should call upon him for the speech sticking out +of his side-pocket; but when the throng accidentally +found him to be the most prominent figure in sight, +they thoughtlessly called upon him to say something. +The General laid aside his fan with some embarrassment, +and says he:</p> + +<p>"My children, I love you. My children," says the +General, motioning to his aid to fill the tumbler again, +"I daresay you expect me to say something, and +though I am unprepared to speak, there is one thing I +will say. If anything goes wrong in this war, nobody +is to blame, as I alone am responsible. Bless you, +my children."</p> + +<p>As the idol of the populace finished these touching +remarks, and resumed his tumbler and fan, there was +but one sentiment in the whole of that vast assemblage, +and a democratic chap immediately went and +<!--123.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[p. 124]</a></span> +telegraphed to Syracuse that the prospect for a Democratic +President in 1865, was beautiful.</p> + +<p>The meeting might have lasted another week, my +boy, thereby rendering the Union cause utterly invincible, +but for the imprudence of an insane chap who +proposed that some of the young men present should +enlist. This malapropos and singularly inconsistent +suggestion broke up the assemblage at once, in great +disorder—volunteering being just the last thing that +any one thought of doing. Greatly edified and encouraged +by what I had heard, my boy, I made all +haste for Paris, where I found the Mackerel Brigade +and Commodore Head's fleet in great excitement over +the case of an Irish gentleman who believed this to be +a white man's war, and had started for Paris, just +fourteen minutes after landing in this country, for the +express purpose of protesting against any labor being +performed by negroes, while there were white men to +do it. Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Anatomical +Cavalry, quieted him by saying that, although a number +of negroes were then engaged in digging trenches, +a new line of holes in a far more unhealthy place +would be commenced in the morning, and that none +but Irishmen should be permitted to dig them.</p> + +<p>On the night previous to my arrival, my boy, while +all the Mackerels were watching the stars with a view +to prevent any surprise from that quarter, the Southern +Confederacy on the other side of Duck Lake trained +four large fowling-pieces upon their peaceful camp +from behind a wood-pile, and commenced a ferocious +and ear-splitting bombardment. It was some hours +before our men could be got into position to return the +<!--124.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[p. 125]</a></span> +fire, as Captain Bob Shorty had forgotten where they +had put the Orange County Howitzers when last using +them. The fleet, too, was somewhat delayed in getting +into action, as Commodore Head experienced some difficulty +in unlocking the box into which he always puts +his spectacles and slow-match before retiring at night.</p> + +<p>Finally, however, the howitzers were discovered +behind some boards, and the spectacles and slow-match +were forthcoming, and our troops were pouring +a hot fire across Duck Lake before the Confederacy +had got two-thirds of the way back to Richmond. +Next morning, my boy, the Conic Section crossed the +Lake, and cleared away everything on the opposite +shore except the before-mentioned wood-pile. The +latter contains the same kind of wood that was burned +in the time of Washington, my boy, and twenty men +were appointed to guard it from the profanation of +our troops. We must protect such property at all +hazards, my boy, or the Constitution becomes a nullity.</p> + +<p>Having crossed the treacherous element to view the +immediate scene of these proceedings, and learned +from Captain Villiam Brown that our pickets were +within ten miles of the Confederacy's capital, I was +about to make some short remark, when a messenger +came riding forward in a great perspiration, and +says he;</p> + +<p>"Our pickets have been driven in."</p> + +<p>"Ha!" says Villiam, "is the Confederacy again advancing +upon the United States of America?"</p> + +<p>"Our pickets," says the messenger, impressively +<!--125.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[p. 126]</a></span> +"have been driven in; they have been driven into +Richmond."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, pleasantly, "then send out some +more pickets."</p> + +<p>I strolled away from the pair, my boy, reflecting +upon the possibility of enough Mackerel pickets reaching +Richmond in this way to make the Union sentiment +there stronger than ever, and was looking listlessly +to my footing, when I chanced to espy a paper +on the ground. Picking it up, I found it to be a note +from the wife of the Southern Confederacy to her +cousin, dropped, probably by one of the Confederacies +of the wood-pile. It bore the date of April the First, +and read as follows:</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Juleyer</span>:—I have just space of time to +write you these few lines, hoping that these few lines +will find you the same, and in the enjoyment of the same +blessing. O my unhappy country! how art thou suffering +at this present writing! I have not had a single +new bonnet for two weeks, my beloved Juleyer, +and my Solferino gloves are already discolored by the +perspiration I have shed when thinking of my poor, +dear South. My husband, the distinguished Southern +Confederacy, is so reduced by trials, that he is a mere +skeleton skirt. Oh, my Juleyer, how long is this to +continue? Ere another century shall have passed +away, the Yankees will have approached nearer +Charleston and Savannah, and the blockade become +almost effective. Since the Mackerel Brigade has +changed its base of operations, even Richmond seems +doomed to fall in less than fifty years. Everything +<!--126.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[p. 127]</a></span> +looks dark. Tell me the price of dotted muslin, for +undersleeves, when you write again, and believe me,</p> + +<p class="right"> +Your respected cousin,<br /> +"<span class="smcap">Mrs. S. C.</span>"<br /> +</p> + +<p>There's only one thing about this letter bothers me, +and that's the date, my boy—the date.</p> + +<p>When very near this city, on my return home, I met +a chap, weighing about two hundred and twenty-five +pounds, who was on his way to a lawyer's to get his +exemption from the draft duly filed.</p> + +<p>"See here, my patriotic invalid," says I, skeptically, +"how do you come to be exempt?"</p> + +<p>"I am exempt," says he, in a proudly melancholy +manner, "because I am suffering from a broken +heart."</p> + +<p>"Hem," says I.</p> + +<p>"It's true," says he, sniffling dismally. "I asked +the female of my heart to have me. She said I hadn't +enough postage-stamps to suit her ideas of personal +revenue, and she didn't care to do my washing. That +was enough: my heart is broken, and I am not an +able-bodied man."</p> + +<p>Drafting, my boy, is of a nature to develop the +seeds of disease in the hitherto healthy human system—seeds +which, if suffered to fructify, will be likely to +ultimate in what gentlemen of burglarious accomplishments +would chastely and botanically denominate +a very large-sized "plant."</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, seriously,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--127.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[p. 128]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXII" id="LETTER_LXII"></a>LETTER LXII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED +WOMEN OF AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION +SCHEME OF THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE +BENEFIT OF THE BLACK RACE.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., August 15th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Once more, my boy, this affectionate heart would +render tribute of gushing admiration to the large +souled women of America, who are again commencing +to luxuriate and comfort our majestic troops with gifts +almost as useful to a soldier as a fishing-pole would be +to the hilarious Arab of Sahara. As I ambled airily +near Fort Corcoran on Monday, my boy, mounted on +my gothic steed Pegasus, and followed by the frescoed +dog Bologna, after the manner of the British nobility, +I chanced upon a veteran of the Mackerel Brigade, +who had come up from Paris on one of those leaves of +absence which grow from the tree styled Sycamore. +He was seated under a wayside oak, examining some +articles that had recently come to him in a package; +now and then addressing his eyes in the more earnest +language of the Sixth Ward.</p> + +<p>Having reined-in my spirited architectural animal, +and merely pausing to administer a crumb of cracker +from my pocket to a hapless blue-bottle fly which had +<!--128.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[p. 129]</a></span> +rashly alighted from the backbone of the charger, and +was there starving to death, I saluted the Mackerel +veteran, and, says I:</p> + +<p>"Comrade, wherefore do you select this solitary +place to use language only fitting a brigadier when he +is speaking to an inferior officer, or a high-toned conservative +when referring to negroes, Wendell Phillips, +and the republican party?"</p> + +<p>The veteran Mackerel sighed deeply, as he spread +open the package to full view, my boy, and says he, +respectfully:</p> + +<p>"Are you a married man, my cove?"</p> + +<p>"No," says I, with a feeling of mingled insignificance +and financial complacency, "I never paid a milliner's +bill in my life."</p> + +<p>"Neither did I," said the veteran, with a gleam of +satisfaction, "neither did I; I always has them charged +to me; but still I am the wedded pardner of one +which is a woman. I have loved her," says the veteran +passionately, "I have loved her better than I +loved number Three's masheen, with which I was +brought up, and that seemed to me like my own brother. +I have stayed home from a fire more than once +to go to church with her; and the last words I said to +her when I come here was: 'Old woman! if Six's +foreman comes here after that wrench, while I'm away, +tell him I'll break that nose of his when I come +back!' We was all confidence together," says the +veteran, smiting his chest, madly; "and I never threw +a brick that I didn't tell her of it, and now she's gone +and sent me a copy of the Temperance Pledge, a pair +of skates, two bottles of toothache drops, and six +<!--129.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[p. 130]</a></span> +sheets of patent fly-paper. I really believe," says the +veteran, bitterly—"I really believe that she thinks I +ain't got nothing to do here but to keep house and +take care of an aged grandmother."</p> + +<p>At the conclusion of this unnatural speech, my boy, +I hastily trotted away upon my architectural steed; +for I had not patience enough to talk longer with one +whose whole nature seemed so utterly incapable of +appreciating those beautiful little attentions which +woman's tender heart induces her to bestow upon the +beloved object. Since the last time I was sick, my boy, +I have entertained a positive veneration for the wonderful +foresight of that blessed sex, whose eyes remind +me of pearl buttons. At that period, when the doctors +had given me up, and nothing but their absence +seemed capable of saving my life, one of the prevalent +women of America heard of my critical condition, +and, by her deep knowledge of human nature, was +enabled to rescue me. She sent me a bottle of stuff, +my boy, saying, in a note of venerable tone, that it +had cured her of chapped hands several times, and she +hoped it might break my fever. With a thankful, confident +heart, I threw the bottle out of the window, my +boy, and got well in less than three months.</p> + +<p>The other day, I went down to Accomac again, to see +the General of the Mackerel Brigade, who had invited +me to be present while he made an offer of bliss to a +delegation from that oppressed race which has been +the sole cause of this unnatural war, and is, therefore, +exempted from all concern in it.</p> + +<p>The General, my boy, was seated in his temporary +room of audience when I arrived, examining a map of +<!--130.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[p. 131]</a></span> +the Border States through a powerful magnifying-glass, +and occasionally looking into a tumbler, as though he +expected to find something there.</p> + +<p>"Well, old Honesty," says I, affably, "what is our +next scheme for the benefit of the human race?"</p> + +<p>He smiled paternally upon me, and says he:</p> + +<p>"It is my purpose to settle the Negro Question in +accordance with the principles laid down in the Book +of Exodus. Thunder!" says the General, with magisterial +emphasis, "if we do not secure the pursuit of +happiness to the slave, even, we violate the Constitution +and become obnoxious to the Border communities."</p> + +<p>I was reflecting upon this remark, my boy, and wondering +what the Constitution had to do with the Book +of Exodus, when the delegation made its appearance, +and caused the room to darken perceptibly. Not to +lose time, the General waved his hand for the visitors +to be seated, and, says he:</p> + +<p>"You and we are different races, and for this reason +it must be evident to you, as well as to myself, that it +is better you should be voluntarily compelled to colonize +some distant but salubrious shore. There is a wide +difference between our races; much wider, perhaps, +than that which exists between any other two races. +Your race suffers very greatly, and our race suffers in +suffering your race to suffer. In a word, we both suffer, +which establishes a reason why our race should +not suffer your race to remain here any longer. You +who are here are all present, I suppose."</p> + +<p>A voice—"Yes, sah."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you have not been here all your lives. +<!--131.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[p. 132]</a></span> +Your race is suffering the greatest wrong that ever +was; but when you cease to suffer, your sufferings are +still far from an equality with our sufferings. Our +white men are now changing their base of operations +daily, and often taking Malvern Hills. This is on +your account. You are the cause of it. How you +have caused it I will not attempt to explain, for I do +not know; but it is better for us both to be separated, +and it is vilely selfish in you (I do not speak unkindly) +to wish to remain here in preference to going to Nova +Zembla. The fact that we have always oppressed you +renders you still more blameable, especially when we +reflect upon the fact that you have never shown resistance. +A trip on your part to Nova Zembla will benefit +both races. I cannot promise you much bliss right +away. You may starve at first, or die on the passage; +but in the Revolutionary War General Washington +lived exclusively on the future. He was benefitting +his race; and though I do not see much similarity +between his case and yours, you had better go to +Nova Zembla. You may think that you could live in +Washington, perhaps more so than you could on a +foreign shore. This is a mistake. None but white +army contractors and brigadiers on furlough can live +here.</p> + +<p>"The festive isle of Nova Zembla has been in existence +for some time, and is larger than any smaller place I +know of. Many of the original settlers have died, and +their offspring would still be living had they lived long +enough to become accustomed to the climate. You +may object to go on account of your affection for our +race, but it does not strike me that there is any cogent +<!--132.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[p. 133]</a></span> +reasons for such affection. So you had better go to +Nova Zembla. The particular place I have in view for +your colonization is the great highway between the +North Pole and Sir John Franklin's supposed grave. +It is a popular route of travel, being much frequented +by the facetious penguin and the flowing seal. It has +great resources for ice-water, and you will be able to +have ice cream every day, provided you supply yourselves +with the essence of lemon and patent freezers. +As to other food, I can promise you nothing. There +are fine harbors on all sides of this place, and though +you may see no ships there, it will be still some satisfaction +to know that you have such admirable harbors. +Again, there is evidence of very rich bear-hunting. +When you take your wives and families to a place +where there is no food, nor any ground to be cultivated, +nor any place to live in, then the human mind would +as naturally turn to bear-hunting as to anything else. +But if you should die of starvation at the outset, even +bear-hunting may dwindle into insignificance. Why +I attach so much importance to bear-hunting is, it will +afford you an opportunity to die more easily than by +famine and exposure. Bear-hunting is the best thing +I know of under such circumstances.</p> + +<p>"You are intelligent, and know that human life depends +as much upon those who possess it as upon anybody +else. And much will depend upon yourselves if +you go to Nova Zembla. As to the bear-hunting, I +think I see the means available for engaging you in +that very soon without injury to ourselves. I wish to +spend a little money to get you there, and may possibly +<!--133.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[p. 134]</a></span> +lose it all; but we cannot expect to succeed in anything +if we are not successful in it.</p> + +<p>"The political affairs of Nova Zembla are not in quite +such a condition as I could wish, the bears having +occasional fights there, over the body of the last Esquimaux +governor; but these bears are more generous +than we are. They have no objection to dining upon +the colored race.</p> + +<p>"Besides, I would endeavor to have you made equals, +and have the best assurance that you should be equals +of the best. The practical thing I want to ascertain +is, whether I can get a certain number of able-bodied +men to send to a place offering such encouragement +and attractions. Could I get a hundred tolerably intelligent +men, with their wives and children, to partake of +all this bliss? Can I have fifty? If I had twenty-five +able-bodied men, properly seasoned with women and +children, I could make a commencement.</p> + +<p>"These are subjects of very great importance, and +worthy of a month's study of the paternal offer I have +made you. If you have no consideration for yourselves, +at least consider the bears, and endeavor to reconcile +yourselves to the beautiful and pleasing little +hymn of childhood, commencing:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I would not live always;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I ask not to stay."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>At the termination of this flattering and paternal +address, my boy, the delegation took their hats and +commenced to leave in very deep silence; thereby +proving that persons of African descent are utterly +<!--134.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[p. 135]</a></span> +insensible of kindness and much inferior to the race +at present practising strategy on this continent.</p> + +<p>Colonization, my boy, involves a scheme of human +happiness so entirely beyond the human power of +conception, that the conception of it will almost pass +for something inhuman.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, utopianically,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--135.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[p. 136]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXIII" id="LETTER_LXIII"></a>LETTER LXIII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," +AND CELEBRATING THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVECUATION OF +PARIS BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, August 22, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>On Monday morn, my boy, whilst I was pulling +on a pair of new boots that have some music in their +soles, there arose near my room door a sound as of +one in dire agony, closely followed by a variously-undulated +moan, as of some deserted woman in distress. +Hastily discontinuing my toilet, and darting to +the threshold, I beheld one of those scenes of civil war +which impress the sensitive soul with horror and meet +the just reprobation of feeling Albion.</p> + +<p>Rampant between two marrow-bones, my boy, was +my frescoed dog, Bologna, eyeing, with horrid fury, +Sergeant O'Pake's canine friend, known as Jacob +Barker, and ever and anon uttering sentences of supernatural +wrath. To these the excited Barker responded +in deep bass of great compass, his nose curling with +undisguised disdain, and his eyes assimilating to that +insidious and fiery squint which betokens inexpressible +malignity. There was something not of earth, my +boy, in the frescoed Bologna's distortion of countenance +as he attempted to keep an eye on each bone, +<!--136.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[p. 137]</a></span> +and at the same time look full in the face of his foe; +and there was that in the sounds of his strain which +betokened Sirius indecision.</p> + +<p>As I gazed upon these two infuriated wonders of +natural history, my boy, and recognized the fact +that the existence of two bones in contention prevented +an actual battle, because neither combatant +was willing to lose sight of either of them; whilst the +presence of but one bone would have simplified the +matter, and precipitated a decisive conflict, I could +not but think that I saw symbolized before me the +situation of our distracted country.</p> + +<p>The United States of America, my boy, and the +well-known Southern Confederacy, are like two irascible +terriers practising defiant strategy between two +bones, the one being the festive negro-question, and +the other the Union. Now it seems to me, my boy—it +seems to me, that if the gay animal with U. S. +on his collar would only dispose of the bone nearest +him without further vocalism, there would be a better +chance for him to secure the other bone in the combat +sure to come.</p> + +<p>Dogs, my boy, and men, are very much alike, in +their hostile meetings, neither seeming to know just +exactly which is truly their <i>magnum bonum</i>.</p> + +<p>Ascending the roof of my architectural steed, Pegasus, +on Tuesday, I induced the gothic animal to +adopt a pace sometimes affected by the fleet tortoise, +and went down to Accomac in pursuit of knowledge +respecting recruiting. Just before reaching that Arcadian +locality, my boy, I met Colonel Wobert Wobinson, +of the Western Cavalry, who had been down +<!--137.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[p. 138]</a></span> +there to induce volunteering and infuse fresh confidence +into the masses. He offered a bounty of two +hundred dollars; three dollars to be paid immediately, +and the rest as soon as the war commences in earnest; +and promised to each man a horse physically +incapacitated from running away from anything.</p> + +<p>"Well, my bold dragoon," says I, cordially, noticing +that Pegasus had already fallen into a peaceful +doze, "how go enlistments?"</p> + +<p>The colonel waved away an abstracted crow that +was hovering in deep reverie over my charger's brow, +and says he: "I have enlisted all the people of Accomac."</p> + +<p>"I want to know," says I, Bostonianly.</p> + +<p>"Yes," says he, "I called a meeting, and succeeded +in enlisting all—their sympathies."</p> + +<p>As I gazed upon the equestrian warrior, my boy, +methought I saw the youngest offspring of a wink +trembling in a corner of his right eye, and I felt that +the world renowned Snyder was at that moment laboring +under a heavy incubus. Such is life.</p> + +<p>The state of health in Accomac indicates that the +demon of disease is abroad in the land, looking chiefly +for his victims among those between the tender ages +of eighteen and forty-five. Instead of having a sling +in his hand, like the young warrior David, each young +man I met had his hand in a sling, whilst the dexter +leg of more than one able-bodied patriot suggested +the juvenile prayer of "Now I lame me, down to +slip." And there were the women of America fairly +crying in terror of the draft, instead of bearing themselves +like the Spartan ribs of old. +<!--138.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[p. 139]</a></span></p> + +<p>Alas! my boy, why cannot our people realize, that +a nation, like a cooking-stove, cannot keep up a steady +fire without a good draft. We need men for the crisis, +and we only find cry sisses for the men.</p> + +<p>I could not stay here, so I hastened on to Paris, +where a great strategic movement was about to supply +all the world with fresh recollections of the late +Napoleon. I say <i>late</i> Napoleon, my boy, because our +Napoleon is apt to be behind time.</p> + +<p>As far back as I can remember, I have been fully +aware that this movement was about to take place, but +would not, like too many other correspondents, betray +the confidence reposed in me. This bosom, my boy, this +manly and truthful bosom, is about the right shop for +confidence. Nor is it like the bosoms of those who +can truthfully say that they never <i>give</i> important information +to the enemy, though every body knows +that they sell it.</p> + +<p>On arriving in Paris, I saw at once that preparations +for outgeneraling the deceived Confederacy had already +commenced; for the down-trodden General of the +Mackerel Brigade had assembled the reliable contrabands +whom he had used for some weeks past, and +was taking leave of them in a heart-felt manner.</p> + +<p>Mounted on a small keg, from the bung hole of +which came the aroma of pleasant rye fields, the General +softly wiped his lips, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Being members of a race which we regard as a +speshees of monkeys, my black children, the fact that +this is a white man's war will prevent your taking part +in the entirely different race about to come off. After +the manner of Andrew Jackson at New Orleans, I +<!--139.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[p. 140]</a></span> +have called upon you to do something for your adopted +country; but as my friend Andrew was particular to +make his proclamation read '<i>free</i> negroes,' there can +be no parallel between the two cases further. Therefore, +return to your masters, my children, and tell +them that the United States of America wars not +against them rights of which you are a part. Go! And +remember, that as Gradual Emancipation is about to +come off, you will soon know the juicy richness of being +free to visit all parts of the world, except those not +included in the pleasing map of Nova Zembla."</p> + +<p>The contrabands departed, my boy, in blissful procession, +and many of them are undoubtedly happy +enough now. Happier, my boy, than they could hope +to be if suffered to remain in this conservative and +constitutional world.</p> + +<p>While the Mackerels were coming out of their holes, +and polishing their shovels for the march, I observed +that the general walked thoughtfully to his tent, in +deep silence. I found Captain Villiam Brown expelling +two reporters from the lines, lest they should prematurely +divulge the movement then going on to the +Confederacy seated on an adjacent fence, and says I +to him:</p> + +<p>"Tell me, my fiery warrior, wherefore is it that the +chieftain seeks his solitary tent?"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, reverently, "it is to pray for +the cause of liberty and the rights of man, after the +manner of George Washington, Mount Vernon, Virginia. +Come with me, my cherub," says Villiam +piously, "and you shall see martial greatness in a +touching aspeck." +<!--140.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[p. 141]</a></span></p> + +<p>We went softly to the tent together, my boy, and +there beheld the beloved general of the Mackerel Brigade, +with his face devoutly upturned. His face was +devoutly upturned, my boy; but we could see something +intervening between his countenance and the +sky, and discovered, upon closer inspection, that it was +a tumbler. Can it be, my boy, that this good man +thought that Heaven, like any distant earthly object, +could be brought nearer by looking toward it through +a glass? Here is food for thought, my boy—here is +food for thought.</p> + +<p>And now, Commodore Head having fished his iron-clad +fleet from the tempestuous bosom of Duck Lake, +and everything being in readiness—the march of the +Mackerel Brigade commenced, with a silence so intense +that we could distinctly hear all that anybody +said.</p> + +<p>First, came a delegation of political chaps from the +Sixth Ward, conversing with each other on the state +of the country, and considering eight hundred and +forty excellent plans for saving the Union, and getting +up a straight-out ticket.</p> + +<p>Then appeared the well-known promenade band of +the Mackerel Brigade, executing divers pleasant <i>morceaux</i> +on his night-key bugle, an occasional stumble +over a stone giving the airs a happy variety of sudden +<i>obligati</i> improvements.</p> + +<p>Next appeared the idolized General of the Mackerel +Brigade, modestly refusing to receive all the credit for +the skillful movement, and assuring his staff that he +really would not prefer to be President of the United +States in 1865. +<!--141.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[p. 142]</a></span></p> + +<p>Followed by Commodore Head, with his squadron +on his shoulders, swearing as usual in his iron-plated +manner, and vowing to capture Vicksburg before he +was twenty years older.</p> + +<p>Then advanced Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, +Captain Bob Shorty, and Captain Samyule Sa-mith, +each indignantly rejecting the idea that this movement +was a retreat, and expressing the hope that Wendell +Phillips would be immediately hung for it.</p> + +<p>Then came a train of wagons containing all the provisions +that could not be thrown away.</p> + +<p>Succeeded by the Mackerel Brigade with shovels at +a shoulder-arms, and noses suggestive of strawberry +patches in the balmy month of June.</p> + +<p>And was this <i>all</i> the procession? you will ask; did +nothing come after the Brigade itself?</p> + +<p>I am not a positive man, my boy, and care not to +assert a thing unless I positively know it to be true. +It was growing dark when we reached our destination, +and I could not see distinctly toward the rear: yet I +think I <i>did</i> see something coming after the Mackerel +Brigade.</p> + +<p>What was it?</p> + +<p>It was the Southern Confederacy, my boy—the +Southern Confederacy.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Your, excitedly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--142.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[p. 143]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXIV" id="LETTER_LXIV"></a>LETTER LXIV.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING HOW THE COSMOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED +TO THE "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR MR. BONBON'S +FRENCH STORY.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, August 25th, 1862<br /> +</p> + +<p>Ever since the British chap read all that unpublished +British poetry at the Club, my boy, I have +been anxious to favor him with an "Idyl," written by +a friend of mine who has traveled much in Albion, +and writes <i>ex-cathedra</i>. Last night there was a fair +chance, and I then introduced</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 2em">THE NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Incrusted in his island home that lies beyond the sea,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Behold the great original and genuine <span class="smcap">'Tis He</span>;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A paunchy, fuming Son of Beef, with double weight of chin,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And eyes that were benevolent—but for their singular tendency<br /></span> +<span class="i4">to turn green whenever it is remarked that his<br /></span> +<span class="i4">irrepressible American cousins have made another<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Treaty with China ahead of him—and taken Albion in.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span> +<!--143.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[p. 144]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">With William, Duke of Normandy, his ancestors, he boasts,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Came over from the shores of France to whip the Saxon hosts;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And this he makes a source of pride; but wherefore there should be<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Such credit to an Englishman—in the fact that he is descended<br /></span> +<span class="i4">from a nation which England is forever pretending<br /></span> +<span class="i4">to regard as slightly her inferior in everything,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">and particularly behind her in military and naval<br /></span> +<span class="i4">affairs—we really cannot see.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He deals in Christianity, Episcopalian brand,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And sends his missionaries forth to bully heathen land;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Just mention "Slavery" to him, and with a pious sigh<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He'll say it's 'orrid, scandalous—although he's ready to fight<br /></span> +<span class="i4">for the Cotton raised by slaves, and forgets how he<br /></span> +<span class="i4">butchered the Chinese to make them take Opium,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">and blew the Sepoys from the guns because the<br /></span> +<span class="i4">poor devils refused to be enslaved by the East India<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Company—or his phi-lan-thro-py.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He yields to Brother Jonathan a love that passeth show—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"We're Hanglo-Saxons, both of us, and carn't be foes, you know."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But as a Christian Englishman, he cannot, cannot hide<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His horror of the spectacle—of four millions of black beings<br /></span> +<span class="i4">being held in bondage by a nation professing the<br /></span> +<span class="i4">largest liberty in the world, though in case of an<br /></span> +<span class="i4">anti-slavery crusade the interests of his Manchester<br /></span> +<span class="i4">factors would imperatively forbid him to—take<br /></span> +<span class="i4">part on either side.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span> +<!--144.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[p. 145]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Now seeing the said Jonathan by base rebellion stirred,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And battling with pro-slavery, it might be thence inferred<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That British sympathy, at last, would spur him on to strife;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But, strange to say, this sympathy—is labelled "<span class="smcap">Neutrality</span>,"<br /></span> +<span class="i4">and consigned to any rebel port not too closely blockaded<br /></span> +<span class="i4">to permit English vessels, loaded with munitions, to<br /></span> +<span class="i4">slip in. And when you ask Mr. Bull what he means<br /></span> +<span class="i4">by this inconsistent conduct, he becomes virtuously<br /></span> +<span class="i4">indignant, rolls up his eyes, and says: "I carn't<br /></span> +<span class="i4">endure to see brothers murdering each other and<br /></span> +<span class="i4">keeping me out of my cotton—I carn't, upon my life!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Supposing Mr. Bull should die, the question might arise:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Will he be wanted down below, or wafted to the skies?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Allowing that he had his choice, it really seems to me<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The moral British Gentleman—would choose a front seat with<br /></span> +<span class="i4">his Infernal Majesty; since Milton, in his blank<br /></span> +<span class="i4">verse correspondence with old <i>Times</i>, more than<br /></span> +<span class="i4">once hinted the possibility of Nick's rebellion<br /></span> +<span class="i4">against Heaven succeeding; and as the Lower Secessia<br /></span> +<span class="i4">has cottoned to England through numerous<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Hanoverian reigns, such a choice on the part of the<br /></span> +<span class="i4">philanthropical Britisher would be simply another<br /></span> +<span class="i4">specimen—of his <span class="smcap">Neutral-i-ty</span>!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>When Smith-Brown had heard that, my boy, he +sniffed grievously, and says he: "England never <i>was</i> +happreciated in this blarsted country."</p> + +<p>I believe him, my boy.</p> + +<p>It being Bonbon's turn to read a story, he unrolled +his papers and gave us +<!--145.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[p. 146]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="gentitle">THE CONFESSION.</p> + +<p>"During my short stay in France, I belonged to a +convent of Carthusian monks, and there became acquainted +with the man whose confession constitutes +my story. He had applied for admission to our order, +as one who had tired of life's gaieties, and bestowed +his wealth, which was enormous, upon the holy church. +Brother Dominique was the name he assumed; and +his austere devotion speedily gained him notoriety for +great piety; but there was something so unnatural in +his actions, and, at times, so incoherent in his speech, +that we, who were his daily companions, involuntarily +shuddered when he spoke to us. Among the various +incongruities of his character, was a gloomy reserve—or, +rather, pride, which repulsed all advances of friendship, +and impressed upon the mind a conviction that +Brother Dominique's religion was more like that of a +hypocrite foiled in his schemes, than of a pure-minded +man, whose sense of duty to his Creator had induced +him to assume the serge and rosary. This conviction +was more than confirmed by his occasional exclamations +of anger and defiance, as though once more a +prey to the passions of an outer world; and, at the +expiration of a year from the time of his entrance, the +new brother was an object of suspicion, if not dislike, +to the whole convent, excepting myself.</p> + +<p>"My sentiments in regard to him were those of +pity; for I felt confident that some great sorrow was +preying upon his mind; and the wild agony which +would often contort his whole countenance, while at +<!--146.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[p. 147]</a></span> +evening prayers, made me anxious to know something +of his history.</p> + +<p>"One evening, having received an order to visit the +cell of Dominique from our superior, I was surprised +to find a curiously-fashioned lamp, burning in a niche, +directly opposite an iron cot, on which the monk was +sleeping. Knowing that the convent rules expressly +forbade a light at that hour, I was about to extinguish +it, when there fell upon my startled ear a loud yell, +like that of a springing tiger, and, in an instant, I was +seized by the throat. Filled with dismay, I struggled +to extricate myself, when the beams of the lamp fell +upon the writhing features of Dominique, pallid as +those of a corpse, and spattered with froth from his +lips.</p> + +<p>"'Devil, I defy thee!' he exclaimed, dashing me +violently against the wall; and then quitting his hold.</p> + +<p>"'Brother Dominique, are you mad?' I asked, as +soon as I could recover my breath.</p> + +<p>"'It is a lie! I am not mad!' he ejaculated, glaring +fiercely upon me, and biting his lip until the blood +streamed from his beard.</p> + +<p>"Hardly knowing what I did, I again approached +the lamp; when he again sprang to my side, and +pushed me violently from before it.</p> + +<p>"'Must I kill you, too?' he said, in a whisper that +pierced me.</p> + +<p>"'You are excited,' I replied, with all the calmness +I could muster. 'I thought you were asleep, or I +should first have spoken to you about your lamp, the +burning of which, at this late hour, is a violation of +the rules.' +<!--147.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[p. 148]</a></span></p> + +<p>"He covered his face with his hands while I was +speaking; and when he again looked up, all traces of +former agitation had vanished.</p> + +<p>"'Forgive me, father,' he said, with composure. +'Our superior has granted me the privilege of having +a light always burning, as I am subject to fits, such as +you have just witnessed, and cannot do without it. +God have mercy upon me! I might have murdered +you,' he added, turning suddenly pale again, and leaning +against the damp wall.</p> + +<p>"I delivered my message, being anxious to leave a +being whose passions were so violent when aroused; +but he called me back as I turned away, and resting +upon his hard bed, motioned for me to take a seat beside +him.</p> + +<p>"I hesitated about complying at first; but there +was an expression of mingled sorrow and entreaty +resting upon his whole countenance, that awoke my +sympathy and conquered fear. Closing the door of +the cell, I obeyed him in silence, and sat down with a +feeling of awe not to be defined.</p> + +<p>"'Father,' he said, laying one hand on each of my +shoulders, and staring fixedly in my face, 'Will you +hear me confess?'</p> + +<p>"The extreme abruptness of the question made me +start from him with a gesture of surprise, but I answered +not.</p> + +<p>"'Will you hear a tale of crime from a criminal?' +he continued, pressing heavily upon me, 'a tale of +murder from a murderer!'</p> + +<p>"I felt convinced that I had a maniac to deal with, +and remembering to have heard that any sign of timidity +<!--148.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[p. 149]</a></span> +but added fuel to the fires of insanity, I steadily +returned his stare, and responded as quietly as I +could.</p> + +<p>"'Brother Dominique, if your soul is burthened +with crimes, why not confess to the superior who is +our father confessor?'</p> + +<p>"'No, no!' he exclaimed, frantically. 'To you, or +no one.'</p> + +<p>"Fearful that, by refusing, I should again arouse +him to violence, I drew my cowl closely over my +head to guard against the damp air, and bade him tell +me his sorrows.</p> + +<p>"He, at once, fell upon his knees before me—nor +could I persuade him to assume any other attitude.</p> + +<p>"'Here on my knees,' he began, 'will I tell a tale +that shall freeze your blood, and make you turn from +me in scorn, or hatred. You will not betray me?'</p> + +<p>"I assured him I would not.</p> + +<p>"'I am the last of a noble Florentine house, which +bears the names of sovereigns upon its registers. My +father was a cold, stern man, proud of his high descent, +and arrogant with those beneath him. My +mother was the daughter of a Venetian noble, bright +and beautiful as a diamond, and insensible to all the +softer warmths of women as is that precious gem. I +was their only child, and all the love their hearts were +capable of feeling was bestowed upon me; all my desires +were gratified ere expressed; obsequious menials +stood about my path eager to obey my slightest nod; +velvet received my infant footsteps, and the atmosphere +around me was one of mellow music.</p> + +<p>"'I grew up to manhood a pampered child of fortune, +<!--149.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[p. 150]</a></span> +happy only in the midnight orgie or early morning +revel, and the most polished profligate of my +native city; yet my father regarded me with feelings +of pride, and my mother looked upon her son as one +well worthy to inherit the flaunting fortunes of his +house. Although my father was ever kind to me he +was subject to occasional fits of violence, when he +would beat the servants, and render it necessary for +his friends to confine him. It was said that he had +seized a gipsey woman who had been caught in the +act of stealing, causing her to be burned alive, and +that while the flames were torturing the poor wretch, +she had denounced her executioner with the bitterest +execrations, and declared that he and his offspring +should feel the curse of madness. The prophecy so +worked upon my father's mind as to occasion periodical +attacks of insanity, at which seasons he would +rave fearfully, and, as I said before, render temporary +confinement necessary. I cannot say that the knowledge +of this fact had any effect upon me then, for I +was gay and thoughtless; but, alas! it has since +proved my bane, and poisoned every cup that has +touched my lips.</p> + +<p>"'Onward I flew, in a whirl of wildest dissipation, +until my twenty-first birth day, when my father ordered +me to meet him in the library at a certain hour. +Not daring to disobey him, although I anticipated +some cutting rebuke for my late headlong course, I +waited upon him at the appointed time, and was +relieved when he asked me in a kind tone to take a +seat near him.</p> + +<p>"'"Dominique," he said, "you have now reached +<!--150.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[p. 151]</a></span> +an age when you must give up childish follies, and be +a man. You are my only son, and my titles and fortune +must one day be yours. It is my hope that you +may support them with honor; but, in order to do +this you must take a decided step at once—you must +marry."</p> + +<p>"'Although arrived at that period of life when +woman usually becomes the principal object of man's +hope and ambition, I was totally indifferent to them, +and ridiculed those of my friends who had married, +or, as I termed it, become slaves for life. But I knew +my father's temper too well to thwart him, and appeared +to acquiesce in his designs for my future benefit. +He informed me that the lady whom he had +selected to be my bride, was of a noble family, and +would be at our villa in a few days, when he wished +me to render myself as agreeable as possible, and +at once commence my wooing.</p> + +<p>"'I left him with a feeling of despair at being so +soon obliged to give up my gay companions and +become suppliant to one whom I had never before +seen, and belonging to a sex that I held in contempt.</p> + +<p>"'In my trouble I appealed to a young nobleman, +an associate of mine, for advice, and he recommended +that I should go abroad without my father's knowledge—afterwards +giving him my reasons for so doing +in a letter, and humbly asking his forgiveness. This +advice just suited my disposition, and I resolved to +follow it. Accordingly I collected sufficient funds for +my journey, and on the morning of the day when my +<!--151.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[p. 152]</a></span> +intended bride was to arrive at our villa, I started +with my valet for France.</p> + +<p>"'Upon reaching Paris I wrote to my father, declaring +my determination to remain unmarried until +tired of being my own master, and concluding by +asking his pardon for the step which I had taken. My +father did not answer this letter, and hence I supposed +that he was seriously offended; but this conviction +did not prey upon my mind for any length of time—indeed, +I soon became more notorious in the French +capital than I had been at home for unbounded extravagance +and heedless dissipation. The well-known +prominence and wealth of my family gained access +for me to the circles of the most exclusive aristocracy. +The glory and power of the unfortunate Louis and his +peerless queen, Marie Antoinette, were already on +the wane; yet their magnificence far eclipsed that of +any other European court, and many traitors stood in +the glittering throng that swarmed about them, whose +meekly down-cast eyes were destined to blaze with +the fires of rebellion, and whose swords were yet +to flash terror into the heart of that sovereign who +regarded them then as the staunchest bulwarks of his +throne. With all due ceremony, I was presented to +the ill-fated representatives of royalty, and quickly +found myself the cynosure of all eyes, leered at by +languishing dames, sneered at by those of my own sex +whom nature had slighted, and honored with the +attention of more than one aristocrat who afterwards +fell a victim to the fury of red republicanism. But +the sword of Damocles was suspended over our +heads, and it soon fell with a clash that aroused +<!--152.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[p. 153]</a></span> +echoes in every corner of the globe. When first +the ferocious Club proclaimed its prerogative, I +joined with others in treating it as a subject beneath +our notice; but, as the flames of insurrection spread, +and street barricades were successfully defended +against the assaults of the National Guard, I began to +feel the danger of being an aristocrat, and take measures +for flight when events should have reached their +crisis. It was too late. At the dead of night, I was +aroused from my sleep by a violent uproar in the +street below, accompanied by a thundering at the +court yard gates of my hotel. I sprang from my couch +to the window, and, with a vague apprehension of +what was to come, pulled aside the curtain and looked +forth. Holy Virgin! what a sight was there!—Thousands +of howling demons, fast losing all semblance +of humanity, surging and roaring like an infernal +sea, with ghastly death-lights leaping above its +waves and drowning grim shadows beneath. 'Blood! +blood!' was their watchword, and I heard my name +bandied from lip to lip, with bitter execrations. My +pride was aroused, and conquered every other emotion. +Hastily drawing a heavy military cloak over +my head and form, I opened the casement, and walked +out upon the balcony. So completely did my garment +shroud me, that the bloodhounds knew me not, +and for a moment their hellish cries sank into dead +silence.</p> + +<p>"'"Open the gates, or we will burn you alive," +shouted a hoarse voice.</p> + +<p>"'"<i>Vive le Roi!</i>" I shouted in answer.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, what rage there was in the yell responsive +<!--153.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[p. 154]</a></span> +to my taunt. It seemed as though Pandemonium had +sent its countless fiends to join in the chorus of brutal +fury. The gates were fast yielding, and my servants +were constantly reminding me with pallid faces that +I was ruthlessly sacrificing their lives for my own. In +a moment, my resolution was made. I hastily assumed +my usual dress, and wrapping the cloak about me, +went down into the court and placed myself in a dark +corner.</p> + +<p>"'"Open the gates," I cried, disguising my voice, +and throwing it as far forward as possible.</p> + +<p>"'With quaking limbs, my servant obeyed the order, +and in another moment, I felt the hot tide of +devils bolting past me, into the elegant saloons of my +hotel. So intent were the mob upon despoiling and +plundering, that I was enabled to gain the street unmolested; +but at that point, some enemy called my +name, and with a shout of triumph, hundreds of infuriate +demons started toward me. Knowing that +resistance would be worse than madness, I drew my +sword, and clenching it firmly in my right hand, with +the point in front of me, I ran swiftly before them. +Again arose the shouts, and onward came my enemies, +panting for blood. Desperation gave me strength, +and like a hunted deer, I far out-sped my pursuers; +but human nature cannot be taxed beyond a certain +point, and as I turned into the Rue St. Martin, my +strength began to fail me, and my breath came hot +and quick. Giving up all hope of escape and resolving +to sell my life dearly, I was about to stand at +bay, when an open door in a house close by caught +my glance, and with the rapidity of thought, I darted +<!--154.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[p. 155]</a></span> +through and closed it behind me. My hunters had +not yet turned the corner, but I could hear their cries +and with regained strength, I ascended a flight of +stairs and entered an apartment, when a scream of +surprise arrested my progress. A young girl stood +before me with uplifted hands and astonishment +painted upon every feature.</p> + +<p>"'"Holy Mother! What would you have, monsieur?"</p> + +<p>"'"I am pursued by the <i>canaille</i>, mademoiselle, +and entered here to recruit my strength. I will die +like a man."</p> + +<p>"'"You are a royalist?"</p> + +<p>"'"Yes."</p> + +<p>"'I turned to the door, when she eyed me closely +for some moments, and then opening a closet in the +wall, pointed to its interior, without speaking. I saw +at once that she wished to save me, and after raising +her hands to my lips in mute expression of my gratitude, +I entered the closet, and heard her turn the key +in the lock. Almost at the same moment, loud shouts +arose from the street and heavy footsteps were heard +ascending the stairs.</p> + +<p>"'"Whose house is this?" demanded a gruff voice, +as its owner apparently entered the room, in company +with others.</p> + +<p>"'"Citizen Foliere's," answered my protectress, in +sweet, calm tones.</p> + +<p>"'"Which side?"</p> + +<p>"'"<i>Vive la Republique.</i>"</p> + +<p>"'"<i>Tres bien.</i> He can't be here, comrades; he has +<!--155.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[p. 156]</a></span> +given us the slip. Where is your father, mademoiselle?"</p> + +<p>"'"He went to join in the attack on a hotel in the +Rue St. Honore."</p> + +<p>"'"Then he will be back soon, for the building is +in flames, though its master has escaped us. Adieu, +mademoiselle."</p> + +<p>"'My nerves and muscles had been drawn to the +last degree of tension, excitement had buoyed me up +for a time; but now that my pursuers were departing +and danger no longer surrounded me, a reaction took +place, and I fell insensible upon the floor of my closet, +while my fair jailer was in the act of liberating me.</p> + +<p>"'Soon a scorching heat fell upon my brain, and +in fancy I returned to my father's house. Dire shapes +of blood haunted me, until I raved like a maniac and +cursed the author of my being as the author of my +destruction.</p> + +<p>"'I woke as from a dream, and found myself lying +upon a soft couch, attended by a physician, and a tall, +middle-aged man, wearing the red republican badge—I +owed my life to one of a class which I had ever +despised. Monsieur Foliere had returned home soon +after my pursuers had quitted it; and found his +daughter attempting to revive me; great as was the +risk he incurred by protecting a royalist, he did not +hesitate to send at once for a surgeon, and order every +comfort necessary to preserve my life.</p> + +<p>"'I endeavored to express my gratitude; but the +stern citizen frowned, and from that time forth, I said +no more on the subject. Health slowly returned to +its temple, and as it sent the warm blood tingling +<!--156.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[p. 157]</a></span> +freshly through my veins, love mingled with the current +that flowed to the heart. Cerise, my saviour, +my guardian angel, hovered about my pillow like a +spirit of light, awaking in my breast a passion which +had never dwelt there before. She was not what the +world termed a beauty; but there was a quiet grace +about her actions, and a smiling, lovely dignity ever +shining from her large brown eyes, that so drew her +to me, as to make me silent and melancholy when she +was not present.</p> + +<p>"'Not to linger over a period, the purest and +brightest of my existence, suffice it to say, that Cerise +returned my passion, and I was blest with her love. +I told her my name, and painted the splendors of +Florence, while she listened with a gentle smile of approbation, +and consented to become my wife, should +her father raise no objection.</p> + +<p>"'Anticipating no difficulty in that quarter, my +happiness was unalloyed, and I considered her as all +my own. At length, when my health was fully re-established, +I asked a private interview with Citizen +Foliere, and demanded the hand of his daughter in +marriage. I described in glowing terms my love for +Cerise and her reciprocation—I spoke of my high rank +in Florence, the many honors of my family, and its +great antiquity; the advantages which would accrue +to him from having such a son-in-law—in fact, presented +my views in every light of interest and paternal +affection that I could devise. The stern republican +heard me through in silence, and then answered +coldly—</p> + +<p>"'"Young man, you were received into my house, +<!--157.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[p. 158]</a></span> +a fugitive from retributive justice, and sheltered by +me at the risk of my own good name and life. I +pitied your youth, and yielded my protection, when +duty bade me surrender you to my friends. Would +you repay me by robbing me of my richest treasure, +or forever blighting her existence by arousing in her +bosom a hopeless passion? My daughter cannot be +yours, though you boasted the blood of a sovereign; +she shall never sit in the palaces of our oppressors. +My decision is irrevocable, and this subject must be +forever at rest."</p> + +<p>"'Frantic with indignation and disappointment, I +flew to Cerise, and with the violence of a maniac, acquainted +her with my ill-success; I swore she should +be mine, or I would slay myself at her feet. By turns +she wept and expostulated, until I accused her of +faithlessness, when she threw herself into my arms, +and in an agony of tears, bade me do with her as I +pleased.</p> + +<p>"'That night I was on my way from Paris, with +my <i>wife</i> clasped to my breast, calling down heaven's +bitterest curses upon my head, should I ever cease to +love her as I then did, and kissing the hot tears from +her cheeks in a burning, maddening transport of blind +devotion.</p> + +<p>"'Oh madman! wretch that I was—why did I not +fall a withered corpse at the feet of that innocent girl, +who sacrificed a father's love for me?</p> + +<p>"'At Genoa I purchased a villa in a retired spot, +and there tasted the intoxicating joys of elysium; but +fate was darkening in clouds above my head, and the +bridal garlands were soon to blossom in a harvest of +<!--158.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[p. 159]</a></span> +blood. I wrote again to my father, acquainting him +with the step I had taken, and narrating my escape +from death in France. An answer soon came, and in +the presence of my wife I read as follows:</p> + +<p>"'"<span class="smcap">Dominique</span>—Foolish boy, you have well nigh +driven me to madness by your conduct, and your +mother has gone to the grave a victim to the folly of +her son. Come hither at once, if you would not kill +me also, and behold the wreck that remains of</p> + +<p class="right"> +"'"<span class="smcap">Your Father.</span>"<br /> +</p> + +<p>"'The vague tone of this communication, and the +intelligence of my mother's death, overwhelmed me +with sorrow. Cerise, dear Cerise, fell upon my +bosom and reproached herself as being the author of +all my troubles. In vain did I try to forget my own +griefs, and strive to console her; she soon became +calm, but the smile of contentment no longer beamed +from her eyes, and her peace was departed forever. +She insisted upon obedience to my father's request, +and when I yielded, accompanied me to my native +city silent and tearless.</p> + +<p>"'Resolving to see my father alone, I left my wife +at an obscure house in the suburbs of the city, and +promising to return when I had softened my parent's +wrath, I set out with a heavy heart for the home of +my childhood.</p> + +<p>"'The servants at once recognized me, but I could +only learn it from their glances, for they led the way +in silence to the saloon of reception.</p> + +<p>"'My father was seated in a remote corner, conversing +<!--159.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[p. 160]</a></span> +with some person when I entered, and on beholding +me, at once came forward and embraced me +with every token of affection. Astounded at receiving +such a salute, when I expected nothing but reproach, +I stood motionless, staring at him in silence, until the +other person present approached. Never shall I forget +the appearance of Lucia on that day. Her raven +locks, falling below her waist and mingling imperceptibly +with the folds of her sable robe, contrasted +strikingly with the snow-white purity of her complexion, +over which her piercing eyes, shed a lustre truly +spiritual. As my father introduced us, our glances +met, and I felt a thrill to my inmost soul.</p> + +<p>"'It maddens me to dwell upon those scenes, and I +will hasten to the conclusion of my story. I forgot +Cerise, my honor—everything, in the society of her +who had once been selected to wed with me. Day +followed day until a month had elapsed, and I still remained +fascinated to the spot, false to my vows, false +to my wife, and true to nothing but blind infatuation. +My father beheld me sinking deeper and deeper in +the black waves of infamy, and a light of demoniac exultation +burned in his eyes. I marked his triumph, +and I, too, felt a savage joy, though for what reason, I +knew not.</p> + +<p>"'At length he taunted me as the husband of a +lazarone. He pointed with hellish glee to where Lucia +stood, the incarnation of perfection, and bade me +behold what I had lost. My brain was on fire, a +thousand furies tugged at my heartstrings, and as my +father clasped my hands in his and looked down into +my soul, I felt that savage joy again, and a demon +<!--160.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[p. 161]</a></span> +possessed me. My father approached his face to +mine, until his hot breath burned upon my cheek, and +whispered in my ear; it was enough. With a loud +laugh I left him and flew, rather than ran, to where +my deserted wife was watching for me, sad and +alone.</p> + +<p>"'Why did she not tax me with my perfidy? +Why did not her angel soul arise in its innocent love, +to crush me with the glancing of an eye? Oh, that +she had uttered one reproach, one bitter word! She +saw me, and with a cry of joy, cast her white arms +about my neck, as on our marriage; they were like +chains of searing, glowing iron to me, and I dashed +her from me, howling in the delirium of my torments. +She marked the wild fire that flashed from my eye, +the dark flush that burned upon my cheek, my breast +heaving with the struggles of the fiend within, my +hair hanging in disordered masses over my throbbing +brow, the cowardly trembling of the hand concealed +in my bosom; she beheld a fiend incarnate in the +form of one who had sworn to love and cherish her +forever; yet no word of reproach arose from those +lips I had so often kissed. Again her arms were about +me, and again I attempted to dash her to the ground.</p> + +<p>"'"My husband, my dear Dominique!" she shrieked, +clinging to me, and pressing her cheeks, pallid +and cold, against mine, glowing and burning with the +reflected fires of hell. The spell of madness fell upon +me, as I struggled with that faithful wife, and hissing +froth boiled from between my teeth, mingling with +her long locks of auburn hair. I suffered all the torments +of the damned as we swayed to and fro, until +<!--161.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[p. 162]</a></span> +her strength began to fail and her arms relaxed their +hold. Then, with a horrid laugh, I wound her long +curls about my hand, and plunged a stiletto to its hilt +in her breast.</p> + +<p>"'The warm blood of life poured in a torrent upon +me, and as my victim lay gasping upon the ground, I +danced frantically about her, laughing with glee.</p> + +<p>"'I did not wait to see her die—I <i>dared not</i> do it—but +all gory as I was, I returned to my father. He +met me with a smile, and his calmness communicated +itself to me.</p> + +<p>"'I was happy then—oh! yes, very happy!</p> + +<p>"'With blood upon my hand, and madness in my +brain, I wooed Lucia with all the cunning of insanity, +and another gentle heart soon beat for me alone.</p> + +<p>"'We were married! I remember the bright glare +of the lights, the holy dignity of the priests, the gay +laughter of the brilliant company, as my health and +<i>happiness</i> were pledged in goblets of rare wines, the +face of my <i>second</i> wife shining like that of an angel, +with fond, confiding love for <i>me</i>; and then my father! +We looked at each other, and smiled exultantly—we +murderers, madmen, receiving the homage of reasonable +beings. I was filled with mad joy, and sent +forth peals upon peals of laughter while the ceremony +was being performed. My father joined in my unnatural +merriment, and surprise and fear was painted on +every countenance. I saw the lips of Lucia tremble, +and squeezed her hand so that she groaned with pain. +Oh! what would I not have given to have been in the +open air, yelling my triumph to the beast in his lair +and the bird on the wing; making nature's arena to +<!--162.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[p. 163]</a></span> +echo my bursts of mirth, and rising far above the +earth on a sea of discord. My father continued near +me through the ceremony, and left the saloon at its +conclusion; but I <i>knew</i> that his feelings were like +mine and envied his liberty.</p> + +<p>"'Then I grew calm again, and friends congratulated +me, and music filled the air, and the dance went +on, and I kissed my bride until she involuntarily shrank +from me in confusion. I was very happy then.</p> + +<p>"'At length the midnight hour arrived and the +maidens of Lucia conducted her, veiled in blushes, to +the nuptial couch. How beautiful did she look, arrayed +in spotless white, such as bright angels wear. +An hour elapsed ere I flew to her chamber and threw +myself upon the floor in a paroxysm of mirth. There +was a large lamp of glass that burned before a mirror +in our bridal chamber, and as its perfumed oil was +consumed a delicious odor ladened the air; as I +rolled upon the carpet and tore it with my teeth, the +light shone in my eyes, and in an instant I ceased all +motion and stared fixedly at it, while cold drops of +water came out upon my temple.</p> + +<p>"'Timidly my bride approached and spoke to me; +but I answered her not; for there was another form before +my eyes; another bride speaking to my soul. +There was an explosion; the lamp fell into a thousand +pieces, and where it had been there stood <i>my murdered +wife</i>, with the blood pouring from her bosom, and the +stiletto in her hand. I saw her as plainly as I now +see you, and she bade me <i>slay her rival</i>! I knew my +fate decreed it so; I dared not disobey the dead, and +with a howl of fury, I sprang upon Lucia, my <i>second</i> +<!--163.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[p. 164]</a></span> +bride. In vain she clasped her hands to me in prayer +for mercy; in vain she tried to shriek for help; I +grasped her pale throat until my nails sank into the +flesh, and a purple hue spread over her face. There +I saw her sink from blooming health to ghastly death, +and every feature was visible to me in all its convulsive +workings, although the light was out.</p> + +<p>"'My spirit wife stood before me and my last victim, +until she faded to nothing in the morning light.</p> + +<p>"'As the beams of the sun streamed in upon me, I +took my dead bride in my arms and stalked gaily +down to the saloon of my father. I heard him laughing +loudly, and with a laugh I answered him as I +carried my burden into his presence. He, too, had +something in his arms, and it was the lifeless form of +Cerise, crumbling to decay, and fresh from a banquet +of worms. We placed our treasures side by side upon +a table, and embraced each other with yells of laughter. +Higher and higher rose our mirth, and louder +grew our shouts of triumph, until the street beneath +us was crowded with people, and the servants burst +into the saloon where we held our revel.</p> + +<p>"'We were seized and carried before the Duke, +with the cold corpses of my wives; but we laughed +when they called us murderers, and cursed when +others called us madmen.</p> + +<div class="center"><pre> * * * * *</pre></div> + +<p>"'The keepers of the madhouse awoke me from my +slumbers to tell me that my father had died during +the night. What was that to me? I wanted a light +burning beside me all night, and then he would not +come from the grave to visit me. So I laughed and +was merry to think that I was locked up in a madhouse. +<!--164.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[p. 165]</a></span> +After many years I was released from my +prison, and came thither to take the cowl of a monk. +Think not that I am mad, holy father, when I solemnly +swear that the shades of my wives stand beside +me every night, and only wait until the light goes +out, to drag me down to hell. I see them <i>now</i>, with +bleeding bosom, and throat bearing the prints of my +nails! Cerise! Lucia! I defy thee both! The lamp +still burns! ha! ha! ha!'</p> + +<p>"With a horrid laugh brother Dominique fell upon +his face on the ground, like one blasted by a stroke +from heaven; and with a vague feeling of terror, I +crawled stealthily to my own cell.</p> + +<p>"On the following day we met at morning prayer, +in the chapel, but he treated me as though we had +never known each other, and the events of the preceding +night were never again mentioned by either of us.</p> + +<p>"One evening, loud peals of laughter were heard +issuing from the cell of the maniac, and several of the +monks hastened thither with me, to learn its cause. +On opening the door, I first beheld the lamp lying +extinguished in its niche, while brother Dominique +was stretched upon the stony pavement in strong convulsions, +giving vent every now and then to sounds of +mirth, so dreadful that we stopped our ears, and fled +horrified to the superior. When all was again silent +we returned to the cell; but the maniac was not there, +and the niche was vacant."</p> + +<p>Such, my boy, was the story related by M. Bonbon, +the reading making him hoarse, and the plot suggesting +a nightmare also.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, staringly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--165.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[p. 166]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXV" id="LETTER_LXV"></a>LETTER LXV.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL +BRIGADE UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAIDS +OF THE RECKLESS CONFEDERACY.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., August 30th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>As every thing continues to indicate, my boy, that +President Lincoln is an honest man, I am still of the +opinion that the restoration of the Union is only a +question of time, and will be accomplished some +weeks previous to the commencement of the Millennium. +It is the "Union as it was" that we want, my +boy, and those who have other articles to sell are +hereby accused of being accursed Abolitionists. I +was talking the other day to a venerable Congressman +from Maryland, who had just arrived to protest +against the disturbance of mail facilities between Baltimore +and the capital of the Southern Confederacy, +and says he, "I have several friends who are Confederacies, +and they inform me that they are perfectly +willing to return to the Union as it Was, in case they +should fail in their present enterprise. If I thought," +says the Congressman, hastily placing a lottery-ticket +in his vest-pocket, "if I thought that this war was to +be waged for the purpose of injuring the Southern +Confederacy, rather than to restore the Union as it was, +<!--166.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[p. 167]</a></span> +I should at once demand more mileage of the Government, +and repeatedly inquire what had become of all +the 'Wide-Awakes.'"</p> + +<p>As he uttered this last horrible threat, my boy, I +was impressed with a sense of something darkly democratic. +Too many of the "Wide-Awakes" of the last +campaign are indeed fast asleep now, when their +country needs them. I saw one of them slumbering +near Culpepper Court House last week. He was +sleeping with his right arm twisted in the spokes of +a disabled cannon wheel, and a small purple mark +was on his right temple. But he was not alone in his +forgetful sloth, my boy; for near him, and rigidly +grasping his disengaged hand, was a Democrat slumbering +too!</p> + +<p>The sight, I remember, rendered me so honestly indignant, +that I could not help pointing it out to the +Mackerel Chaplain, who was engaged in selling hymn-books +to the wounded. The Chaplain looked a moment +at the Fusion Ticket before us.</p> + +<p>"They sleep for the Flag," says he, softly, "and +may its Stars shed pleasant dreams upon their loyal +souls for ever."</p> + +<p>The Chaplain is an enthusiast, my boy, and this is +what he has written about</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 2em">OUR GUIDING STARS.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The planets of our Flag are set<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In God's eternal blue sublime,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Creation's world-wide starry stripe<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Between the banner'd days of time.<br /></span> +<!--167.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[p. 168]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Upon the sky's divining scroll,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In burning punctuation borne,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They shape the sentence of the night<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That prophesies a cloudless morn.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The waters free their mirrors are;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And fair with equal light they look<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Upon the royal ocean's breast,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And on the humble mountain brook.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Though each distinctive as the soul<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of some new world not yet begun,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In bright career their courses blend<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Round Liberty's unchanging Sun.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Thus ever shine, ye Stars, for all!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And palsied be the hand that harms<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Earth's pleading signal to the skies,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And Heav'ns immortal Coat of Arms.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>You are probably aware, my boy, that the unconquerable +Mackerel Brigade is still advancing upon +Washington in a highly respectable and strategic +manner; and that all correspondents are excluded +from the lines, lest some of them, in their natural +blackness of heart, should construe the advance upon +Washington into a retreat from Richmond.</p> + +<p>But I gained admission to the scene by adopting +the airy and pleasing uniform of the Southern Confederacy; +and am thereby enabled to give you some +further account of the skillful retrograde advance to +which I dimly referred in my absorbing last. +<!--168.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[p. 169]</a></span></p> + +<p>The uniform of the Southern Confederacy is much +respected by many of our officers, my boy, and is the +only guise in which a fellow-being may scrutinize the +national strategic works with entire safety.</p> + +<p>Thus attired, I joined the Mackerel Brigade in its +cheerful work of pushing Richmond away from its +martial front, and having penetrated to the rear where +horrible carnage was being wrought in the frantic +ranks of the Confederacy, I beheld the idolized General +of the Mackerel Brigade anxiously searching for +something upon the ground. In a moment, he looked +up, and says he to the warriors in his neighborhood:</p> + +<p>"My children, have you seen anything of a small +black bottle that I placed upon the grass, just now, +when I turned to speak to my aid?"</p> + +<p>A Mackerel chap coughed respectfully, and says he: +"I guess it was taken by some equestrian Confederacies, +which has just made another raid."</p> + +<p>"Thunder!" says the General, "that's the third +bottle I've lost in the same way within an hour." And +he proceeded slowly and thoughtfully to mount his +horse, which stood eyeing him with funereal solemnity +and many inequalities of surface.</p> + +<p>Turning to another part of the line, my boy, I beheld +Captain Villiam Brown and Captain Bob Shorty +in the act of performing a great strategic movement +with the indomitable Conic Section, many of whom +were employing the moment to take a last look at the +canteens presented to them before leaving home by +their devoted mothers. A number of reckless Confederacies +had just crossed a bridge spanning a small +stream near by, and the object of this daring movement +<!--169.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[p. 170]</a></span> +was to suddenly destroy the bridge before they +could retreat and then make prisoners of the whole.</p> + +<p>It was a sublime conception, my boy—it was a sublime +conception, and rich with strategy.</p> + +<p>Like panthers surrounding their unsuspecting prey, +the wily Mackerels swept noiselessly across the bridge, +applied their axes with the quickness of thought, and +in a moment the doomed structure fell splashing into +the water. It was beautiful to see Villiam's honest +exultation at this moment; his eyes brightened like +small bottles of brandy with the light shining through +them, and says he:</p> + +<p>"We have circumvented the Confederacy. Ah!" +says Villiam, proudly; "the United States of America +is now prepared to continue in the exchange business, +and—"</p> + +<p>He paused. He paused, my boy, because he suddenly +observed that Captain Bob Shorty had commenced +to scratch his head in a dismal manner.</p> + +<p>"I'm blessed," says Captain Bob Shorty, in a cholerical +manner—"I'm blessed if I don't think there's +some mistake here, my military infant!"</p> + +<p>"Ha!" says Villiam, with dignity; "do you discover +a flaw in the great chain woven by the United +States of America around the doomed Confederacy?"</p> + +<p>Captain Bob Shorty again scratched his head, and +says he:</p> + +<p>"I don't wish to make unpleasant insinuations; but +it seems to me that this here body of infantry has left +itself on the wrong side of the stream!"</p> + +<p>And so it had, my boy. By one of those little mistakes +which will sometimes occur in the most victorious armies, +<!--170.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[p. 171]</a></span> +the Conic Section had thoughtlessly +<i>crossed the bridge</i> before destroying it, thus leaving +themselves on one side of the river, while the riotous +Confederacies were on the other.</p> + +<p>How they got across again, at a fordable place +higher up, just in time to see the Confederacies cross +again, at a fordable place lower down, I will not pause +to tell you, as such information might retard enlistments.</p> + +<p>Once more stationing myself near the General of the +Mackerel Brigade, who sat astride his funereal charger +like the equestrian statue of the Duke of Wellington, +I was watching his motions attentively, when a body +of horsemen suddenly dashed by him, and I saw, as +they disappeared, that he was left bareheaded.</p> + +<p>"Thunder!" says the general, winking very violently +in the sunlight, and rattling his sword in a fearless +manner, "where's my cap gone to?"</p> + +<p>There was a respectful Mackerel chap at hand, and +says he:</p> + +<p>"I think it was took by the equestrian Confederacy, +which has jest made another raid."</p> + +<p>"Hum!" says the general, thoughtfully, "that's +very true. Thunder!" says the general to himself, as +it were: "this is all Greeley's work."</p> + +<p>Pondering deeply over this last remark, I sauntered +to another part of the field, where the Orange County +Howitzers were being prepared to repel the charge of +a regiment of Confederacies, who had just come within +our lines for the purpose. The artillery was well +handled, my boy, and not a piece would have been +captured but for the splendid discipline of the gunners. +<!--171.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[p. 172]</a></span> +They were too well disciplined to dispute orders, +my boy; and as Captain Samyule Sa-mith had +accidentally forgotten to give the order to "load" +before he told them to fire, the effect of our metal +upon the hostile force was not as inflammatory as it +might have been.</p> + +<p>The next I saw of Samyule, he was making his report +to the general, who received him with much enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"Where are your guns, my child?" says the general, +with paternal affability.</p> + +<p>Samyule blew his nose in a business-like manner, +and says he;</p> + +<p>"Several of them have just gone South."</p> + +<p>I am unable to state what response the general intended +to make, my boy; for at this instant a body of +horsemen swept between the speakers, one of the +riders jerking the veteran's horse violently from under +him, and galloping the steed away with him. Up +sprang the general, in a violent perspiration, and says +he:</p> + +<p>"Where's my horse gone to?"</p> + +<p>"I guess," says a Mackerel chap, stepping up—"I +guess that it was took by the equestrian Confederacy, +which has just made another raid."</p> + +<p>"Thunder!" says the general, "they'll take my +coat and vest next." And he retired to a spot nearer +Washington.</p> + +<p>I would gladly continue my narrative of the advance +movement, my boy, showing how our forces +continued their march in excellent order, safely reaching +a spot within ten miles of the place they gained +<!--172.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[p. 173]</a></span> +on the following day; but such revelations would +simply tend to confuse your weak mind with those +great doubts concerning military affairs which tend to +render civilization impertinently critical.</p> + +<p>It is the simple duty of civilians, my boy, to implicitly +trust our brass-buttoned generals; of whom +there are enough to furnish the whole world with war—and +never finish it at that.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, weekly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--173.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[p. 174]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXVI" id="LETTER_LXVI"></a>LETTER LXVI.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN +SINGLE COMBAT WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING +"L'AMOUR" AND "LA FEMME."</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, Sept. 4th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>While I was lounging in a banker's drawing-room +this morning, my boy, waiting for the filthy lucre +chap to come down and say that he was glad to see +me, I chanced to see the eternal "L'Amour" and +"La Femme" lying upon a table in the apartment. +The sight threw me into a bad humor, for I detest +those books, my boy, and wish the United States of +America had never seen them.</p> + +<p>Monsieur Michelet, a French individual of questionable +morals, first writes a book about "Love," and +then clinches it with one about "Woman." It is +hardly necessary to add, that he treats both subjects +in a thoroughly French manner, and makes one a continuation +of the other. Love is a charming little story +in every man's life, "complete in one number"—Number +one. Woman is a love-story, "to be continued" +until, like all other continued stories, it ends +with marriage!</p> + +<p>Such is the logic implied by Monsieur Michelet's +two books, and whether it is calculated to elevate or +degrade the weaker sex, a majority of educated +<!--174.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[p. 175]</a></span> +American women have eagerly read the books and +accepted the sentiments as so many compliments. +And the men? They leisurely rove through the +leaves of monsieur's mental Valambrosa, and say: +"How Frenchy!" And in that natural exclamation +we find the most complete and just criticism of +"L'Amour" and "La Femme" possible to American +lips or pen.</p> + +<p>This Michelet, my boy, is a man of talent and remarkably +clear poetical perception. He is as much +like Hallam as a Frenchman can be like an Englishman, +and France honors him for his development of +the poetry of her history; but is that any reason why +he should be accepted as the modern High-priest of +Love and the Censor of Woman? By no means. +Madame de Stael was thinking of a Frenchman when +she wrote: "Love is only an episode in man's life"—and +may have referred to herself when she added: +"but it is woman's whole existence." Had an American +woman spoken this, we should suspect the sentiment +to be nothing more than the reproach of a disappointed +passion; but of the Frenchman it is indisputably +true, as well as of woman wherever we find +her.</p> + +<p>The French do not know what Fidelity means, my +boy; they have chameleon souls, and remain true to +one object only until another comes within their reach. +Like mad bulls, they are attracted by the quiescent +warmth of fiery-red; and, having attained it, tear it +to pieces in their passion.</p> + +<p>What can such people know about Love? Nothing. +They call Love "L'Amour," and when we speak of a +<!--175.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[p. 176]</a></span> +man's "amours," we mean that he "loves" like a +Frenchman. Monsieur Michelet is a Frenchman; +and supposing him to be an ordinary one, we must +accept his sentiments regarding Woman as we would +those of an Apicius regarding a delicacy he apostrophizes +before devouring. But Michelet's temperament +is poetical, and while he looks upon Woman as a foretaste +of the sensualist's paradise, and upon Love as the +means of gaining it, he covers up the grossness of his +ideas with robes borrowed from the angels. Adopting +Kepler's canon, that "harmony is the perfection +of relations," he makes Woman, the creature, a continuation +of Love, the sentiment; and the tenor of his +"L'Amour" and "La Femme" is, that both must be +possessed by man, in order to perfect the union which +makes them a perfect One.</p> + +<p>Wherever I go I find these books: cheek to cheek +they repose on the carved table of the lady's boudoir; +shoulder to shoulder they stand on the library shelf; +<i>tete-a-tete</i> they give the rich centre-table an equivocal +aspect. Young men and maidens, old men and +matrons, children and chambermaids read them; yet +they have no social effect. Woman understands love +and herself; Man thinks he understands both; and +the fictitious fervor of Monsieur Michelet has no more +effect upon either than so much prismatic froth. It +addresses itself piquantly to the eye, and murmurs +like a shell in the ear; but once out of sight and hearing, +and it is only an excuse for light talk and laxity +of thought.</p> + +<p>I am glad to record this; it shows that our national +morality is in no danger of being wrecked on the +<!--176.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[p. 177]</a></span> +French coast by any such tropical gales as Michelet, +Feydeau, or Dumas can blow. Let our publishers +bring over a few more cargoes from the Augæan +stables of French literature in English bottoms, and I +will guarantee them large profits. We will read them, +and immediately forget all about it.</p> + +<p>But to return to Michelet again. Our women read +his "Woman," and imagine that it compliments their +sex—flatters them. Fortunate is it, that flattery very +seldom changes a woman's character, though it may +sway her judgment. She accepts it as her right, but +seldom believes it. Queen Elizabeth graciously extended +her hand to be kissed when her noble lover +compared her to "the sun, whose faintest ray extinguishes +the brightest planet;" yet that same hand +had signed the flatterer's death-warrant. At the moment +she was pleased, and her good sense dazed; but +her heart was not reached. Flattery, skillfully administered, +may add fuel to a woman's love; but +the fire must first be kindled with something more +sympathetic. An American woman may read "La +Femme," and complacently receive its subtle <i>equivoques</i> +as so much fuel added to her vanity; but that +vanity was kindled into existence in the first place by +the genuine homage of some honest man.</p> + +<p>It was Michelet's "Woman," my boy, that suggested +this letter; yet I did not intend, at the outset, +to devote so much space to his unwholesome sophistry. +If I have shown, however, that Michelet's "Woman" +is only such a being as he would have created +under that name, could he have changed places with +the Deity, I have not wasted time and ink. Thank +<!--177.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[p. 178]</a></span> +fortune, there is but one French deity, and his proper +name commences with a D.</p> + +<p>Now, let me give my own idea of Woman—not +"La Femme."</p> + +<p>As she stands before me in the light of Nature, she +is no "enigma," as voluntarily-puzzled poets have +called her; but a being easily defined, and not more +nearly related to the angels than man. To the best +of her sex we attribute one natural weakness and one +virtue—Curiosity and Modesty. Everybody must +allow this much. But why should we make such a +distinction between these two qualities? Let us trace +them back to their exemplar:</p> + +<p>Eve's curiosity was the first effect of her serpentine +temptation. Was it not? Well, that curiosity caused +her to eat the forbidden fruit. Having eaten it, and +caused Adam to eat, she suddenly became possessed +of modesty, and made herself an apron of fig-leaves. +It is but natural to infer that her first blush was worn +at the same time, though Milton attributes blushes to +the angels. As angels are immaterial beings, I think +Milton was mistaken. Now, if modesty, as well as +curiosity, was the result of Satanic temptation, why +should one be called a weakness and the other a virtue? +Are not both the fruits of original sin?</p> + +<p>Woman's love is said to be stronger and more lasting +than man's. Is it so? Let us trace it back to its +beginning:</p> + +<p>Eve's love for Adam did not prevent her fall. She +met the Prince of Darkness and listened to his blandishments, +as too many ladies of the present time +prefer the society of bogus courtiers to that of their +<!--178.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[p. 179]</a></span> +Adams of husbands. She forever disgraced Adam, +herself, and her future family, just to please the +tempter. Was this a proof the depth and vitality of +Woman's love? And Adam? Why, rather than refuse +any request of the woman he loved, however extravagant, +he voluntarily shared in her ruin, and courted +the curse of her fall. Did this prove that Man's love +is weaker and shorter-lived than Woman's?</p> + +<p>Now, I should like to see some one impudent enough +to assert that Eve was more curious, or less modest, +or more fickle than are the best of her female descendants. +Such impudence is not compatible with the +present position of civilization. Then, as Eve was the +great exemplar of her sex in Modesty and Fidelity as +well as Curiosity, it follows that Woman's Modesty is +the result of inherited sin, and her Fidelity in Love +no greater than Man's.</p> + +<p>Alas! for the "angels" of the poets, my boy. Prove +that her Modesty and Love are anything but heavenly, +and what remains to make Woman angelic?</p> + +<p>I could honor, love, and might obey the Best of Her +Sex; but I shall never worship her. She is not a +Deity—only a Woman. I believe that God intends +each woman for a wife; yet six marriages out of every +dozen are unhappy ones. And what is the reason? +Simply this:</p> + +<p>Before marriage, man generally accepts one of the +two poetical theories respecting Woman. He either +supposes her to be an angel, purer and more elevated +in her nature than he in his; or gloats over her as a +delicate morsel prepared for his special delectation +by the gods. In either case, he finds out his mistake +<!--179.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[p. 180]</a></span> +when it is too late to rectify it, and his disappointment +is but the refinement of disgust. He either discovers +that woman is only a human being, and very much +like himself by nature; or that constant familiarity +with her brings her down to the level of a man in his +estimation. There is but one possibility of escape +from disappointment in either case; the death of husband +or wife within a year of the wedding day!</p> + +<p>Husbands and wives, have I spoken truly?</p> + +<p>But there are exceptions to every rule. Some men +marry women for the sake of having homes of their +own; others, for money; still others, because it is the +fashion. The man who marries for a comfortable +home often gets what he desired, and is contented; +the mercenary husband is likely to do and feel the +same; the fashionable husband generally cuts his +throat. These exceptions do not break the rule.</p> + +<p>It may be asked: Why do widowers so often marry +again, if they were so disappointed in their first +wives? My boy, you are no philosopher. How +many men have learned wisdom by experience? Only +a few, and they are all dead. If a sailor is shipwrecked, +and nearly killed on his first voyage, does +he forsake the sea forever after? If a man buys an +image supposed to be made of marble, and discovers +that it is plaster, does he never buy another image? +Because you and your neighbors chance to buy a +barrel of bad eggs, are you satisfied that good ones +are not to be had?</p> + +<p>An enthusiastic young man marries a girl whom he +supposes to be an "angel." A year passes, and he +mourns over his mistake. A few more roll away, and +<!--180.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[p. 181]</a></span> +she dies. Does the widower profit by his experience? +No! He says to himself: "My late wife was not an +'angel;' but that sweet girl I saw yesterday certainly +is. She is entirely different from my late wife." +Well, he marries angel No. 2. She proves to be No. +1 in a different dress.</p> + +<p>A tropical young man is infatuated with the physical +beauty of a girl, and marries her with the idea +that he will never weary of looking at her. A year +passes, and he is heartily tired of her. She dies. +Does the widower profit by his experience? No! He +says to himself: "I was wearied of my late wife because +her hair, eyes and complexion were the same as +mine. Physiologists say that opposites are necessary +to matrimonial bliss. There is Miss ——, with her hair, +eyes and complexion, in direct antithesis with mine. +I am <i>sure</i> I should never weary of her!" He marries +her. And tires of her.</p> + +<p>Do you see, my boy?</p> + +<p>And now to remedy this evil: Let us look upon +woman as she is. If an "angel" with golden hair, +snowy complexion, pearly teeth, heaven blue eyes, +and no appetite, sounds better in poetry than a true +woman, with auburn hair, fair complexion, clean +teeth, and nice blue eyes, why, let the poets rant about +"angels." But poetry has nothing to do with so +practical an event as marriage, and its "angels" will +not do for wives. A man cannot be guilty of a more +absurd and unprovoked piece of injustice, than that +of persisting in believing his bride more of an angel +than human. He might as well go to a jeweller's, +and insist upon buying a pearl for a diamond, when +<!--181.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[p. 182]</a></span> +the certain result of such folly would be his denunciation +of the pearl as a swindle, when time convinced +him of its real character. No true woman desires to +be looked upon as an "angel," nor to have her beauty +valued as a joy imperishable.</p> + +<p>It is very common for women to lament the indifference +of husbands who were the most attentive and +obedient of lovers. I have explained the cause of the +defection.</p> + +<p>To secure happiness—or contentment, at least—in +the marriage state, we must regard woman as our +equal by nature, whatever superiority or inferiority she +may possess by virtue of her mental or social education. +We must not look <i>up</i> to her, nor <i>down</i> upon +her, but straight <i>at</i> her. We must not base our love +for her upon supposed angelic qualities. If we desire +to make her happy, and be happy ourselves, we must +recognize her human origin in common with our own, +and accept her physical inferiority as security for the +continuance of our own love in all its normal strength.</p> + +<p>Of course there are grades in human nature. Some +natures are more refined than others, from the effects +of their surroundings and education. But the lover +should recognize no degree higher than his own when +he selects his mistress. Then, if hers proves higher +than his, after marriage, he is delighted; if the same +as his, he is satisfied. But suppose it should prove +lower than his? Such a supposition is untenable in +a marriage of mutual affection. A superior nature +will never gravitate to an inferior one by the attraction +of real love. There must be a natural sympathy; +<!--182.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[p. 183]</a></span> +and sympathy is the rock upon which all true love is +founded.</p> + +<p>Love never yet blended incompatible natures in +marriage. Money often does—brute-insanity sometimes.</p> + +<p>You have probably concluded, by this time, my +boy, that my ideas of the true Woman and Monsieur +Michelet's views of "La Femme" are decidedly at +variance.</p> + +<p>I have sufficient faith in the good sense of Woman +to believe that she will give preference to my doctrine. +If so, she will not translate "La Femme" as "Woman," +but as "grisette," "lorette," or "camelia lady." To +christen such a work "Woman," is to lay a snare for +the Best of Her Sex, and catch the Weakest in it. The +female who allows it to affect her may possibly make +"a neatly-shod grisette," but never a good wife.</p> + +<p>It may be asked why I have made "Woman" the +subject of this letter, and why I have adopted such a +Frenchy style?</p> + +<p>Simply because there is no subject less understood, +my boy, by the generality of young mankind; and +because I deem it best to practice the doctrine of +<i>similia similibus curantur</i> (in style) while quarreling +with Monsieur Michelet.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, sentimentally,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--183.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[p. 184]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXVII" id="LETTER_LXVII"></a>LETTER LXVII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL, +EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON's DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND +NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., September 5th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Everything is confident and buoyant here, my boy, +a sense that the President is an honest man, inspiring +confidence on every side, and surrounding the Government +with well-known confidence men. The repeated +safety of the Capital, indeed, has even inspired +the genius of New England, as illustrated by a +thoughtful Boston chap, with one of those enlarged +business ideas which will yet enable that section to +betrade the whole world. The thoughtful Boston +chap has read all the war-news, my boy, for the last +six months, and as he happens to be a moral manufacturer +of burglar-proof safes, a happy pecuniary +thought struck him forcibly. After joining the church, +to make sure of his morality here, he came hither in +haste, opened an establishment, read the war-news once +more, and then issued the following enterprising +card: +<!--184.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[p. 185]</a></span></p> + +<p class="center"> +BUY THE CELEBRATED<br /> +WASHINGTON SAFE!<br /> +</p> + +<p>Everybody thought it was the safe they'd read so +much about in the papers, my boy, and several hundreds +were sold.</p> + +<p>There was another chap, named Burns, the inventor +of a Family and Military Gridiron, who noticed how +the thoughtful Boston chap was making money by the +advertising necessities of our distracted country. Having +been born in Connecticut at a very early age, my +boy, he was not long in finding a way to make his +own eternal fortune, after the same meritorious manner. +So he at once repaired to a liquor shop, to make +sure that a majority of our staff-officers would hear +him, and then, says he, in stentorian tones:</p> + +<p>"My sympathies are all with the Southern Confederacy, +to whom I send the weekly journals of romance +on the day of publication. As to the Union," says +the Connecticut chap, hotly, "I have less confidence +in it than I have in my Patent Economical Family +and Military Gridiron."</p> + +<p>He was immediately arrested for this seditious talk, +my boy, and all the reporters telegraphed an exciting +dispatch to the reliable morning journals:</p> + +<p>"<i>Exciting Affair—Arrest of an Influential Rebel!</i>—The +celebrated Mr. Burns has been arrested for +publicly saying that he had more confidence in his +<!--185.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[p. 186]</a></span> +well-known and ingenious patent Economical Family +and Military Gridiron than he had in the Union. +Upon hearing of his incarceration, the most sanguine +rebel sympathizers here admitted that the cause of the +South was lost forever."</p> + +<p>The Connecticut chap remained in custody until he +had received four hundred orders for gridirons, from +private families and army-chaplains, and then he explained +that the words he had used were uttered in +the heat of passion, and he was, of course, honorably +discharged from prison, to make way for a shameless, +aged miscreant just committed for two years' hard labor, +on suspicion of having discouraged enlistments +by asserting that, although he was too old to go to the +war himself, he intended to send a substitute.</p> + +<p>Simultaneously, all the reporters telegraphed again +to the reliable morning journals:</p> + +<p>"<i>The Burns Affair Settled!—Full Particulars of +the Gridiron!</i>—Mr. Burns, the celebrated inventor +of the famous Patent Gridiron, has been honorably +discharged by order of the Secretary of War. His +inimitable Gridiron is destined to have an immense sale.</p> + +<p>"It cooks a beafsteak in such a manner that the appetite +is fully satisfied from merely looking at it, and +the same steak will do for breakfast next morning. +This is a great saving. Persons having nothing to eat +find this Gridiron a great comfort, and hence the propriety +of introducing it in the army."</p> + +<p>The Gridirons are having a great sale, my boy, and +<!--186.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[p. 187]</a></span> +it is believed that the business interests of the country +are being rapidly improved by the war.</p> + +<p>Knowing that the Mackerel Brigade was making +preparations to entrap the Southern Confederacy at +Molasses Junction, I ascended to the upper gallery of +my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, in order +that I might not be unduly hurried on my journey. +Taking Accomac on my way to the battle-field, my +boy, I called upon Colonel Wobert Wobinson, who is +superintending preparations for the draft there, and +was witness to an incident suitable to be recorded +in profane history.</p> + +<p>The draft in Accomac, my boy, is positively to take +place on the 11th of September; but it is not believed +that the enrollment can be finished before the 15th; +in which case, the draft must inevitably take place on +the 20th. In fact, the Judge-Advocate of the Accomac +states positively that the conscription will commence +on the 1st of October; and volunteering is so +brisk that no draft may be required. At least, such is +the report of those best acquainted with the more decisive +plans of the War Department, which thinks of +joining the Temperance Society.</p> + +<p>The exempts were filing their papers of exemption +with Colonel Wobert Wobinson, my boy, and amongst +them was one chap with a swelled eye, a deranged +neck-tie, and a hat that looked as though it might +have been used as an elephant's foot-bath. The chap +came in with a heavy walk, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Being a married man, war has no terror for me; +but I am obliged to exempt myself from military +affairs on account of the cataract in my eyes." +<!--187.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[p. 188]</a></span></p> + +<p>Colonel Wobert Wobinson looked at him sympathizingly, +and says he: "You might possibly do for a +major-general, my son, as it is blindness principally +that characterises a majority of our present major-generals +in the field; but fearing that your absence from +home might cause a prostration in the liquor business, +I will accept your cataract as valid."</p> + +<p>The poor chap sighed until he reached the first hiccup, +and then says he: "I wish I could cure this here +cataract, which causes my eyes to weep in the absence +of all woe."</p> + +<p>"Do your orbs liquidate so freely?" says the Colonel, +with the air of a family physician.</p> + +<p>"Yes," says the poor chap, gloomily, "they are like +two continual mill streams."</p> + +<p>"Mill streams!" says Colonel Wobinson meditatively, +"mill streams! Why, then, you'd better dam +your eyes."</p> + +<p>"I think, my boy, I say I <i>think</i>, that this kindly +advice of Colonel Wobert Wobinson's must have been +misunderstood in some way; for an instant departure +of several piously-inclined recruits took place precipitately, +and the poor chap chuckled like a fiend.</p> + +<p>It is the great misfortune of our mother tongue, my +boy, that words of widely-different meanings have +precisely the same sound, and in using one you seem +to be abusing another.</p> + +<p>Arriving near the celebrated Molasses Junction, +where a number of Mackerels were placing a number +of new cars and locomotives on the track—the object +being to delude the Southern Confederacy into taking +a ride in them, when, it was believed, the aforesaid +<!--188.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[p. 189]</a></span> +Confederacy would speedily be destroyed by one of +those "frightful accidents" without which a day on +any American railroad would be a perfect anomaly—arriving +there, I say, I took an immediate survey of +the appointed field of strife.</p> + +<p>To the inexperienced civilian eye, my boy, everything +appeared to be in a state of chaotic confusion, +which nothing but the military genius of our generals +could make much worse. On all sides, my boy, I beheld +the Mackerel chaps marching and countermarching; +falling back, retiring, retreating, and making retrograde +movements. Some were looking for their regiments; +some were insanely looking for their officers, +as though they did not know that the latter have +resided permanently in Washington ever since the war +commenced; some were making calls on others, and +here and there might be seen squads of Confederates +picking up any little thing they might happen to +find.</p> + +<p>Finding the general of the Mackerel Brigade lunching +upon a bottle and tumbler near me, I saluted him, +and says I:</p> + +<p>"Tell me, my veteran, how it is that you permit the +Southern Confederacy to meander thus within your +lines?"</p> + +<p>The general looked toleratingly at me, and says he;</p> + +<p>"I have a plan to entrap the Confederacy, and end +this doomed rebellion at one stroke. Do you mark +that long train of army wagons down there near my +quarters?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," says I, nervously.</p> + +<p>"Well, then, my nice little boy," says the general, +<!--189.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[p. 190]</a></span> +cautiously, "I'll tell you what the plan is. These +wagons contain the rations of our troops. It is my +purpose to induce the celebrated Confederacy to capture +these wagons and attempt to eat those rations. If +the Confederacy will only do that," says the general, +fiercely, "it will be taken sick on the spot, and we +shall capture it alive."</p> + +<p>I could not but feel shocked at this inhuman artifice, +my boy. The Southerners have indeed acted in away +to forfeit all ordinary mercy, but still, we should abstain +from any retaliatory act savoring of demoniac +malignity. Our foes are at least human beings.</p> + +<p>Suppressing my horror, however, I assumed a practical +aspect, and says I:</p> + +<p>"But how are the Mackerel warriors to subsist, my +Napoleon, if you allow the rations to go?"</p> + +<p>"Thunder!" says the general, handing me a paper +from his pocket. "They are to subsist exclusively on +the enemy. Just peruse this document, which I have +just fulminated."</p> + +<p>Taking the paper, I found it to be the following</p> + + +<p class="centeredtitle">PROCLAMATION.</p> + +<p>Whereas, The matter of provisions is a great expense +to the United States of America, besides offering +inducements for unexpected raids on the part of +the famishing foeman; the Mackerel Brigade is hereby +directed to live entirely upon the Southern Confederacy, +eating him alive wherever found, and partaking +of no other food.</p> + +<p>The Brigade will not be permitted to take any clothing +<!--190.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[p. 191]</a></span> +with it on the march, being required henceforth +to dress exclusively in the habiliments of captured +Confederacies.</p> + +<p>We have done with retrograde movements. No +more lines of retreat will be kept open, and henceforth +the Mackerel Brigade is to make nothing but +great captures.</p> + +<p class="right">By order of<br /> +<span class="smcap">The General of the Mackerel Brigade</span>.<br /> +[Green Seal.]<br /> +</p> + +<p>This able document, my boy, pleased me greatly as +an evidence that the war had indeed commenced in +earnest; and though at that moment, I beheld some +half a dozen Confederacies ransacking the tent where +the general kept his mortgages, his bank account, and +other Government property, I felt that our foes were +about to be summarily dealt with at last.</p> + +<p>An orderly having finally given notice to the Confederacies +rummaging within our lines to get to their +proper places, in order that the battle might begin, the +Anatomical Cavalry, under Captain Samyule Sa-mith, +made a headlong charge upon a body of foes who +were destroying a bridge near the middle of the field, +and succeeded in obliging them to remain there. +This brilliant movement was the signal for a general +engagement, and a regiment of Confederacies at once +advanced within our lines and inquired the way to +Washington.</p> + +<p>Having given them the desired information, and allowed +a number of other similar regiments to take a +position between the Mackerels and the capital, the +<!--191.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[p. 192]</a></span> +general gave orders for the Conic Section and the +Orange County Howitzers to fall cautiously back, in +order that the remaining Confederacies might get between +us and Richmond.</p> + +<p>You will perceive that by this movement, my boy, +we cut the enemy's force completely in two, thus compelling +him to attack us either in the front or in the +rear, and giving him no choice of any other operation +save flank movements. Our plans being thus perfected, +Captain Villiam Brown, with Company 3, Regiment +5, was ordered to charge into a wood near at +hand, with a view to induce some recently-arrived reserve +Confederacies to take position in our centre, +while still others would be likely to flank us on the +right and left.</p> + +<p>You may remember, my boy, that it has heretofore +been our misfortune to fight on the circumference of +a circle, while the Confederacy had the inside, and +this great strategic scheme was intended to produce a +result <i>vice versa</i>.</p> + +<p>It was a great success, my boy—a great success; +and our troops presently found themselves inside the +most complete circle on record. Villiam Brown not +only charged into the wood, but staid there; and +when one of the Orange County Howitzers was discharged +with great precision at a reporter who was +caught sneaking into our lines, the report was heard +by the Venerable Gammon at Washington, causing +that revered man to telegraph to all the papers, that +no one need feel alarmed, as he was perfectly safe, and +that our victory was very complete.</p> + +<p>What particular danger the Venerable Gammon had +<!--192.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[p. 193]</a></span> +incurred, I can't say, my boy; nor what he knew +about the battle; but his dispatch caused renewed +confidence all over the country, and was a great comfort +to his friends.</p> + +<p>Having got the Confederacies just where he wanted +them, the General of the Mackerel Brigade now dispatched +ten veterans under Sergeant O'Pake to attack +a few hundred foes who had intrenched themselves in +an unseemly manner right among our wagons. The +Mackerels were well received as prisoners of war, and +paroled on the spot; a proceeding which so greatly +pleased the idolized general, that he at once issued this +second</p> + + +<p class="centeredtitle">PROCLAMATION.</p> + +<p>It must be understood, that in his recent proclamation +directing the Mackerel Brigade to dine exclusively +upon Southern Confederacies, the general +commanding did not intend that such dining should +take place without the free consent of aforesaid Confederacies.</p> + +<p>It must not be understood that the order concerning +the confiscation of Confederate garments is intended +to authorize a forcible confiscation of such costume, in +opposition to the free will of the wearers.</p> + +<p>By "no lines of retreat being kept open," is meant: +no lines of which the general commanding was at that +time cognizant.</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">The General of the Mackerel Brigade.</span><br /> +<!--193.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[p. 194]</a></span></p> + +<p>This admirable order, my boy, produced great enthusiasm +in the ranks, as no Confederacies had yet been +caught, and there was some danger of starvation in the +<i>corps</i>.</p> + +<p>And now, my boy, occurred that magnificent piece +of generalship which is destined to live forever on the +annals of fame, and convince the world that our military +leaders possess a genius eminently fitting every +one of them for the next Presidency, or any other +peaceful office. By skillful manœuvring, the gifted +General of the Mackerel Brigade had succeeded in +cutting the enemy's force to pieces, the pieces being +mixed up with our own army. Then came the words: +"Forward, double-quick!"</p> + +<p>Facing toward Washington, our vanguard forced the +Confederacies before them to move right ahead. Swiftly +following the vanguard, and evidently fancying +that it was flying before them, came a regiment of Confederacies. +Pursuing the latter, as though in triumph, +appeared the Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade; closely +succeeded in its turn by a regiment of Confederacies +in charge of our baggage-wagons; racing after whom +was a regiment of Mackerels; and so on to the end of +the line.</p> + +<p>You may ask me, my boy, with which side rested +the victory in this remarkable movement?</p> + +<p>That question, my boy, cannot be decided yet, as the +whole procession has scarcely reached Washington; +but the answer may be said to depend very much upon +whether the last regiment coming in is Mackerel or +Confederate.</p> + +<p>The contest, my boy, has assumed a profound metaphysical +<!--194.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[p. 195]</a></span> +aspect, and the development of a little more +military genius on our own side will tend to utterly +confound our enemies and—everybody else.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, ponderingly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--195.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[p. 196]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXVIII" id="LETTER_LXVIII"></a>LETTER LXVIII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS +"LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, September 9th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>You may remember, my boy, that some months ago +there was a trespass of depraved burglarious chaps at +Wheatland, the seat of Ex-President Buchanan. The +matter might have slipped my own mind, had not the +British member of the Cosmopolitan, last night, read +aloud the following memorandum of the thing, found +in a deserted Confederate camp on the Rappahannock. +The Briton waved his hand for silence, and says he:</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 5em">LAMENT.</p> + +<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 3em">BY A CHEVALIER D'INDUSTRIE</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It really seems as if the trick<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of this here game, secession,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was bound to bring disgrace upon<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Each wirtuous profession.<br /></span> +<!--196.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[p. 197]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The days of chivalry are gone,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When gentlemen wos plucky,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And sooner'd starve than lower themselves<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To make their swag and lucky.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Why, when I wos a little prig,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And took the junior branches,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We all looked down upon the chap<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That traveled vulgar ranches.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It wos beneath a gentleman<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To stoop to vulgar stealin's;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when I see how things is changed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It really hurts my feelin's.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We had some dignity, you see,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And upper circles knew it;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For if a thing wos wicious mean,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We wos too proud to do it!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The crib that wos respectable<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Among the higher classes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We cracked in style, like gentlemen.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And took the spoons and glasses.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But when a crib wos something low—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An author's, or a preacher's—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We had too much of self-respect<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To recognize the creatures.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If taking watches wos the lay,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or handkerchers, or purses,<br /></span> +<!--197.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[p. 198]</a></span> +<span class="i0">We never noticed wulgar nobs,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Nor wictims of rewerses.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But things is changed since Johnny died,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And our profession's fallen<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So werry low, it really ain't<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A gentlemanly callin'.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There's some as once wos gentlemen<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When cracksmen's art was balmy,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Now shame us all by fig'ring as<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Contractors for the army!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">What wonder, when our former pal,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A vulgar, sneakin' knave is,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They hang our pictures in a row<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With Floyd, and Cobb, and Davis?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But just as if this wa'n't enough<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To make us hide our faces,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A man we once look'd up to, all,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Must add to our disgraces;<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A base, degenerate, shameless cove<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Has sullied our profession,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">By stoopin' to a lay that is<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Depraved beyond expression.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He's activally come and went—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The werry thought's unmannin'—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's activally gone and robbed<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Ex-President Buchanan!<br /></span> +<!--198.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[p. 199]</a></span></div></div> + +<p>Alas! my boy, there is naught so fallen in humanity, +but it may become still more depraved. I have +known members of State Legislatures to be finally +elected Congressmen. After the above <i>chanson</i> had +been read, the Spanish member gave us his story of</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">DON BOBADIL BANCO;</p> + +<p class="gentitle">OR, WHO OWNS THE BABY?</p> + +<p>"I always respect a man who drinks good Port, +especially if he frequently invites me to take dinner +with him, and hence I have selected as my hero, a +gallant Spaniard, whose fondness for the delicious +juice was never doubted.</p> + +<p>"Don Bobadil Banco was a gentleman of good family, +who graduated with honor at Salamanca, and +retired from thence to Madrid, in company with a +fellow student named Don Philip Funesca. The +erudite pair hired lodgings in an aristocratic part of +the city, and after much delay, installed one Dame +Margy as their housekeeper, cook, and chambermaid, +being resolved to husband their scanty resources +until, by coming of age, they could inherit +the estates and fortunes of their fathers.</p> + +<p>"It is to be presumed that the friends entered society +and made consummate fools of themselves, as +very young men generally do when they first mingle +with ladies; but as that period of their career can possess +very little novelty for most people, I shall only +favor it with this passing notice, and at once introduce +<!--199.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[p. 200]</a></span> +the gallant pair as they appeared on the —— night, +in the month of ——, in the year of our Lord ——, at +— o'clock.</p> + +<p>"In a very small room, before a very small window, +was standing a very small table, at the side of which +were two very shabby chairs, on which were seated +two very young men; and as it was growing very +dark, two very small candles, in two very small +candlesticks, were placed on the very small table, in +company with two very small decanters, filled with +very cheap Port, and two very old goblets, of very +dirty pewter.</p> + +<p>"The two very young men remained very still for +a very long time, save when they made very long applications +to the very old goblets of very cheap Port; +and as you must be very anxious to know whether +these very young men were very ugly or very good +looking, I shall be very happy to profit by this very +opportune state of things, and give a very concise description +of their personal charms.</p> + +<p>"Don Bobadil was very tall, very thin, with very +long black hair, very small black eyes; very yellow +complexion, very good teeth, and was dressed very +foppishly.</p> + +<p>"Don Philip was very short, very fat, with very long +brown hair, very large brown eyes, very fair complexion, +very large mouth, and was plainly attired.</p> + +<p>"They both looked very happy, and drank very +often.</p> + +<p>"'Well, Philip,' said Bobadil, at length, 'a bachelor's +life, in Madrid, is not quite so charming as in +Salamanca; upon my word I have almost become a +<!--200.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[p. 201]</a></span> +limb of society, and it will prove a sad dismemberment +when I go to my father's villa. These gay senoritas +have so completely infatuated me, that I am +never happy out of their company, and when I think +of leaving them altogether, it makes me really miserable,' +and the Don consoled himself with a huge swallow +of wine.</p> + +<p>"'I perfectly agree with you,' answered Don Philip, +'and dread the idea of leaving the dear charmers +without making one of them a prisoner.'</p> + +<p>"'We must have more gold soon,' said Bobadil, +gloomily, taking a goblet of Port.</p> + +<p>"'You speak truly, my friend. Our purses are +growing very light, and nothing but wealthy wives +will make them heavy. How unjust is the decree that +makes us wait until we are older before we can help +ourselves to the treasures of our families. Here are +nearly thirty hairs upon my chin, and yet the grim +old hidalgoes call me a boy yet. Sancta Maria! I +should like to cross swords with some of those shaking +grandees, just to convince them that I have the +strength of a man, if I have not his years.'</p> + +<p>"'The wish is perfectly natural, Don Philip, yet it +can do us no good at present, when our last flagons of +wine stand before us, and Dame Margy grows clamorous +for her dues,' said Bobadil, imbibing large draughts +of grape juice.</p> + +<p>"'<i>O, beatissimo, neustra Senora!</i> Don't dwell on +unpleasant facts, Don Bobadil,' responded the other; +'we must replenish our treasures, and the means to do +it should be our present consideration. We must +marry stores of maravedis.' +<!--201.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[p. 202]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'That is coming to the point, my dear friend, and +your words are worthy of a sage; but, my dear +Philip, to tell the truth, I dread marriage for one reason, +namely: that, by engaging in it, one becomes +liable to incur responsibilities known as babies. I do +hate those noisy little nuisances as I hate the devil, +and, to have one constantly squalling in my ears, +would soon make a madman of me,' and our hero +drank heartily of liquor.</p> + +<p>"'I will allow the truth of what you say,' replied +Philip; 'the cry of an infant is not quite as musical +as the harp of Orpheus. Still, it is better to endure +such annoyance than to go about with empty purses, +and when one who is poor desires to have money, he +must endure matrimony, or become a rogue. Now +there is Lisette, ready to fall into my arms at any moment, +and bring me a long purse; but I will never +leave you a bachelor, though I starve.'</p> + +<p>"Tears arose involuntarily to the eyes of Bobadil, +as his friend spoke thus disinterestedly, and, after +holding a cup of wine to his lips for some moments, +he answered:</p> + +<p>"'My dear fellow, you are a sage and I am a fool. +You shall not starve for me though I have to become +the father of five hundred little imps to save you. +Yes, dear Philip, I will sacrifice myself upon the altar +of friendship, and become a victim of Hymen.' Here +the emotions of the Spaniard became so violent that +a large quantity of Port wine was necessary to prevent +syncope.</p> + +<p>"Don Philip started from his seat, and eyed his +friend with every mark of unbounded surprise. +<!--202.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[p. 203]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Can you do it soon?' he asked hurriedly.</p> + +<p>"'Before another pair of days have shown their +tails above the tide of time,' answered Bobadil with +poetic fervor, having recourse to the decanter containing +Port.</p> + +<p>"'My dear friend, you must be drunk.'</p> + +<p>"'No, Don Philip, I am sober as a monument.'</p> + +<p>"'Has some fair sonora smiled upon you?'</p> + +<p>"'Not only has she smiled upon me, but she has +actually laughed at me. Port would never intoxicate +me.'</p> + +<p>"'<i>Per Dio!</i> I never heard of this before, Bobadil.'</p> + +<p>"'Nevertheless, Don Philip, it is true as a <i>pater</i>. +My pride would not allow me to mention my case to +you, until I became successful in my suit; and when +that was decided, I waited until you should be similarly +circumstanced, and we might marry together. +Your frequent absence from our lodgings, at night, +aroused my suspicions, and I resolved to find out +your secret before imparting mine. Now that you +have named your mistress, I will acknowledge that +I, also, have one, whose name is Leonora, and I intend +to make her my wife, when you lead Lisette to the +altar.'</p> + +<p>"'I am rejoiced to hear you speak thus,' answered +Don Philip, 'and Lisette will partake of my joy; +but, tell me, Bobadil, will you gain wealth by this +union?'</p> + +<p>"'Gold enough to build a second Escurial, my dear +Philip. Leonora is the daughter of a rich Jew, and +can show more maravedis than the Infanta of Spain.' +<!--203.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[p. 204]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Better and better. But how is it that her father +will allow her to wed a Catholic?' inquired Philip.</p> + +<p>"'He is not to be consulted in the matter at all. I +may as well relate the circumstances of our acquaintance, +and you will at once perceive that the Israelite's +consent is not required. Two weeks ago, I was +passing a small house not far from the Plaza del Rio, +and, chancing to look up, beheld the face of a beautiful +Senora looking from a window. Our glances +met, whereupon she drew back with a blush, and I +gallantly kissed the tip of my glove. Although she +immediately drew shut the lattice, I fancied, from +her look, that she was not displeased with my conduct, +and set about finding out who she was. I soon +ascertained that her father was a rich Jew, named +Miguel, that his wife was dead, and that he lived with +his daughter and a wrinkled duenna, whom he had +enlisted to watch Leonora. Much as I despise Jews, +the beauty of Leonora had sunk into my heart, and I +resolved to have an interview with her, though our +most Holy Church, should excommunicate me for it. +Accordingly, I passed the house every day for a week, +and each time the lady withdrew from the window +with a blush, as I saluted her. This encouraged me +to scrape acquaintance with the pythoness who guarded +her, and by means of several small bribes, I was +at length admitted to a private interview with Leonora. +My idol was coy at first, but after one or two +stolen visits, she returned my passion in an honorable +way, and will become my bride whenever it may +please me to carry her off from her old thief of a +father.' +<!--204.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[p. 205]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'But the Jew has all the gold,' said Don Philip, +despondingly.</p> + +<p>"'Not so,' replied Bobadil. 'My angel has a fortune +of her own locked up in a trunk, and I shall take +good care to secure it in the first place.'</p> + +<p>"His friend's countenance was lighted by a smile, +but it passed away as he again spoke—</p> + +<p>"'Our priests will never consent to your marriage +with a Jewess.'</p> + +<p>"'What an owl you are,' retorted Don Bobadil; +'Leonora shall pass for as good a Catholic as the Pope +himself.'</p> + +<p>"'My dear friend, you delight me!' exclaimed Don +Philip, springing from his seat and embracing Bobadil; +'let us then make ourselves and our mistresses +happy at once—this very night! You can go after +Leonora while I seek Lisette.'</p> + +<p>"Our hero found it necessary to take a drink of +something after this proposition, and then responded:</p> + +<p>"'Spoken like a Spaniard and a gentleman; I will +go to the house of Miguel and bring the trunk of treasure +from thence—that, you know, should be secured +first. After bringing it hither I will go back after +Leonora, and when next we meet I shall be a married +man.'</p> + +<p>"'Do so, Don Bobadil,' returned Philip, 'and I will, +in like manner, gain the fortune and hand of Lisette. +Let us hasten, my friend, and we shall be independently +wealthy before morning.'</p> + +<p>"Together they drank the remainder of the wine, +and having given certain orders to Dame Margy, left +the house, each taking a different route. +<!--205.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[p. 206]</a></span></p> + +<p>"It rained in torrents, when my hero wrapped his +long cloak about him and set out. The tormenting +drops ran the length of his nose and poured into his +bosom, they crawled damply down his boots, they +trickled grievously into his ears, they clung to his long +black hair, and soaked through his sombrero; yet did +the brave Spaniard press onward, as a hero advances +to the breastworks amid a storm of shot and shells. +Love had cast its thickest blanket about his heart, and +a flame burned glaringly there that nothing but matrimony +and maravedis could quench. Arriving in +front of his mistress's abode, my hero picked up a +handful of sand, and threw it lightly against a window +pane, such being the signal by which he was to +make known his presence when Miguel was at home. +Almost immediately a lattice was opened, and a woman's +head, ornamented with a scarlet cap <i>de nuit</i> +was thrust out.</p> + +<p>"'Who's that?' demanded the duenna, snappishly.</p> + +<p>"'It's only me,' responded Don Bobadil, in low +tones.</p> + +<p>"'And who's <i>me</i>?' asked the amiable woman.</p> + +<p>"'Don Bobadil Banco.'</p> + +<p>"'Don Bobadil Banco had better go home, if he +don't want to have his head broken with a flowerpot,' +snarled the duenna.</p> + +<p>"'Now, my dear Laura.'</p> + +<p>"'Don't 'dear' me! Are you drunk?'</p> + +<p>"'I must see Donna Leonora,' said Bobadil.</p> + +<p>"'You <i>are</i> drunk!' screamed the lady.</p> + +<p>"'No, I am not; but, pray, make less noise, my +good Laura, or you will have the alguazils about my +<!--206.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[p. 207]</a></span> +ears. Tell your lady that I am here, and you shall +have a purse of ducats.'</p> + +<p>"'Oh! ah! I will,' replied the mercenary woman, +retiring quickly from the window and again closing +the lattice.</p> + +<p>"The adventurous Spaniard stood in soak for half an +hour, at the end of which Dame Laura, cautiously admitted +him at the door, and he soon knelt before his +mistress. Donna Leonora was a charming little brunette, +with raven curls and sparkling black eyes full +of mirth.</p> + +<p>"'Sancta Maria! what is the matter, Don Bobadil?' +she exclaimed, eyeing the kneeling personage with +surprise.</p> + +<p>"'Dearest Leonora, idol of my heart!' replied Bobadil, +clasping her waist, 'here on my knees let me implore +you to become mine forever, and make me happier +than the angels. Recent events, which I cannot explain +at present, have rendered it necessary for me to +thus intrude upon you at an unseasonable hour, and +implore that your promise to become my bride may be +at once fulfilled.'</p> + +<p>"'But this is so sudden,' murmured the lady.</p> + +<p>"'Pardon my haste, dear Leonora,' answered Don +Bobadil. 'I know how exquisitely sensitive your +nature is; but heaven destined us for each other, and +when I leave you, I leave a part of myself.'</p> + +<p>"'The gentleman speaks wisely,' interrupted the +duenna. 'Your father has smoked his opium and will +sleep until after meridian to-morrow. Go with Don +Bobadil, Senora, and Miguel shall learn all from me +when he awakes.' +<!--207.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[p. 208]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Leonora resisted for awhile; but her objections +were speedily overcome, and she at length yielded to +the combined entreaties of her lover, and subtle reasoning +of her mercenary duenna. Such is love.</p> + +<p>"'Here is a load for you, Senor,' said the latter personage, +pointing to a chest studded with brass nails +that stood near. 'Carry it off as quickly as possible, +and return for your mistress when you have placed +her fortune in a safe place.'</p> + +<p>"Our hero at once acceded to plans so consonant +with his own, and after embracing the Senorita, he +seized the chest and hastened with it to his lodgings. +It was a heavy load for one man, and the rain still +poured furiously down; but the lover danced on like +a feather before the vagrant zephyrs of spring, and +soon deposited his precious freight in the room where +he had lately held converse with Don Philip. This +done, he hastened back to the house of Don Miguel, +impatient to secure his fair bride; but Dame Laura +met him at the door, with her fingers pressed upon +her lips, and her form barring his further progress.</p> + +<p>"'Hist! not a word!' she whispered cautiously. +'The Jew was aroused by the noise you made descending +the stairs, and would not be satisfied until +he had searched the house with a candle in one hand +and a drawn sword in the other. He is quiet now, +and if not again disturbed, will soon sleep again. Return +to your lodgings, and when Miguel slumbers, I +will hasten thither with my lady. Not a word! Go!'</p> + +<p>"Conquering his impatience, Don Bobadil thrust a +purse of slim proportions into the bony hand of his +<!--208.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[p. 209]</a></span> +confidante, and turned into the street without breathing +a syllable.</p> + +<p>"As he ascended the stairs to his own room, the +sound of voices fell upon his ear, and fearing for the +safety of his treasure, he rushed headlong into the +apartment with his sword drawn and a determination +to slaughter the intruders. His anger was soon turned +to pleasure, when he beheld Don Philip seated beside +a very pretty female, whose hands he held in his own, +and whose ringletted head rested upon his shoulder, +with an air of familiarity that would have been the +death of any old maid, whose sight could have been +blighted by such a scene. He also noticed a chest +somewhat smaller than the one he had obtained by +right of seizure, standing near the window, and felt +doubly happy in the conviction that his friend had +brought home something more substantial than a wife.</p> + +<p>"'Lisette, this is my friend, Don Bobadil Banco,' +said Don Philip, leading the lady forward and presenting +her. 'This, Don Bobadil, is my wife, and +though she has no proud title, I shall be proud to present +her to my family as one worthy of a gentleman's +affection.'</p> + +<p>"'My dear Philip, allow me to congratulate you +on the possession of a lady, who, if her virtue equals +her beauty, must indeed be an angel,' and our hero +bowed with his accustomed courtesy to the blushing +Senorita.</p> + +<p>"'But where is the mistress, of whom you boasted +a short time since?' asked Philip, glancing towards +the door, as though expecting to behold a fourth person. +<!--209.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[p. 210]</a></span> +'I supposed that I should find her here with a +priest.'</p> + +<p>"'The Jew took me for a thief, and woke up, or +Donna Leonora would be here now. But her duenna +has promised to bring her hither soon and we must +have patience.'</p> + +<p>"'Then take a seat, Don Bobadil, and I will relate +the manner in which I became possessed of Lisette, +for I know you are dying to hear it, though your +pride hides your curiosity. While we were at Salamanca, +I became acquainted with a poor orphan girl, +who won my heart by her beauty and virtuous conduct. +Other students saw and admired her; but their +admiration was not such as honor sanctioned, and the +girl left the place, preferring a strange place with quiet, +to a home in which she was constantly subject to insult +and annoyance. At the time I knew not the +reasons for her sudden departure, and it filled me with +sorrow. I hid my feelings from you, however, fearing +that your disposition for mirth might lead you to make +a butt of me. I came hither with you, and beheld +many fair ladies, but to none did my heart incline, and +the fair orphan of Salamanca remained mistress of my +thoughts. About a week after our arrival in Madrid, +you went to a ball one evening, leaving me to comfort +Dame Margy until you came back. Not much liking +such company, I strolled forth to the grand plazza and +entered a theatre with the crowd. Numerous familiar +faces appeared in various parts of the building, and +while I went about to greet my friends, the play was +commenced. I believe I should not have looked upon +the stage at all, so busily was I engaged, had not the +<!--210.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[p. 211]</a></span> +tones of a voice made me start back in amazement, +and look wildly toward the performers. Near the +centre of the stage, clad in the costume of her <i>role</i>, +and bowing in a flowery train, was a form and face +that sent the blood hurtling through my veins like +molten lead. After standing like one petrified for +some moments, I suddenly quitted the boxes, and +gained admittance behind the scenes. I had not been +mistaken; the orphan of Salamanca and the actress of +Madrid were one. I need not tell an ardent lover like +yourself the effect of such a meeting; it is sufficient to +say, that Lisette bade farewell to the stage, whither +necessity had forced her, and took from thence a liberal +compensation. Such is the history of my amour, +Don Bobadil; and, as we each have caskets at hand, +I propose that we become acquainted with their contents.'</p> + +<p>"'Donna Leonora owns the one I brought hither, +and it may displease her should I open it,' answered +our hero.</p> + +<p>"'Not at all, my friend; she is to be your wife before +morning, and what belongs to your wife belongs +equally to you.'</p> + +<p>"'Oh! very well,' responded Bobadil.</p> + +<p>"'I will display the riches of Lisette first to encourage +you, and you may follow with the dowry of Senora +Leonora,' said Don Philip, taking off the lid of the +second chest.</p> + +<p>"Our hero looked on in surprise, as his friend displayed +its contents, and his pride made him tremble, +lest his own portion should prove less costly. There +were gorgeous robes, satin slippers, magnificent ornaments +<!--211.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[p. 212]</a></span> +of gold, sparkling brilliants, bracelets, necklaces, +and brooches, set with rubies, emeralds, and diamonds, +a tiara sparkling like a constellation of midnight +stars, and an immense leather bag filled with +valuable coins.</p> + +<p>"'Why, Don Philip, you have all the riches of Indus +here!' exclaimed Don Bobadil, opening wide his +eyes in astonishment.</p> + +<p>"'So much for your discrimination, Bobadil,' returned +Philip. 'These robes belong to an actress' +wardrobe, and are more gaudy than valuable. These +rubies, emeralds, and diamonds are pieces of colored +and crystal glass, intended to dazzle unsophisticated +eyes, but nearly worthless to the jeweler; the gold +setting is worth its weight in brass, and these coins +alone are genuine. But let us now look upon your +dowry, my friend, when, I doubt not, that we shall be +made to wink by the glitter of pure gems and true +metal.'</p> + +<p>"As Don Bobadil listened to the explanations of +his friend, his eyes glistened, and at the conclusion +he walked proudly towards his chest, with a feeling of +conscious superiority.</p> + +<p>"'I will not boast,' he said, haughtily; 'but Jews +are not overfond of tinsel, and my mistress's robes +have not a value peculiar to the dimly-lighted stage,' +so saying, he threw back the cover of his treasure casket.</p> + +<p>"A shade of disappointment rested upon his features +at the first view, but he disdained to give it utterance, +and carelessly threw aside a robe of cheap material, +trimmed with imitation ermine. But, alas, the next +<!--212.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[p. 213]</a></span> +was a garment of scarlet, with bells attached to the +skirt; then one of green, with faded tinsel ornaments; +another of white flannel, with tarnished silver lace stars +about the waist.</p> + +<p>"During this exhibition, Lisette was apparently endeavoring +to swallow her handkerchief, while Don +Philip looked anxiously toward the ceiling, as though +its intricate pattern had suddenly become an object of +absorbing interest.</p> + +<p>"Sternly did Don Bobadil delve into his mine of +female apparel, expecting soon to strike a vein of monstrous +diamonds with a mosaic of gold. He reaches +it at last! Yes, there it is! Mark his glance of pride +and exultation as he says:</p> + +<p>"'Don Philip, will you assist me? The Jew's +ducats are very heavy, and the bag containing them +rather larger than a Senora's night-cap.'</p> + +<p>"Don Philip did as he was desired, when suddenly +our hero dropped his end of the bag, with a cry more +piercing than that of an enraged hyena. Oh shades of +<i>Mater Money!</i> <i>Por vida del diablo!</i> The bag +<i>moved</i>, there came a cry, and there appeared in the +opening of its leather covering <i>the head of a baby</i>!</p> + +<p>"'Oh, Holy Virgin! Thunder and lightning! Fire! +Murder! I'm lost, tormented, tortured, cheated! +Cruel Leonora! Infamous woman! d—d old duenna!' +roared the unhappy Bobadil, stamping and steaming +like an infuriated tea-pot.</p> + +<p>"'Be calm, my dear friend, I pray you be calm,' +cried Don Philip, vainly endeavoring to conquer his +mirth, while Lisette rolled on the floor in a paroxysm +of laughter. +<!--213.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[p. 214]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Don't tell me to be calm!' bellowed Bobadil. +'Look there! My horror, detestation, abhorrence—<i>a +baby!</i> Hear it squeal! I'll strangle the cursed little +fiend! Oh, oh, oh!—diablo!'</p> + +<p>"'You will arouse the neighborhood.'</p> + +<p>"'What do I care! I'm betrayed, swindled, ruined, +seduced! Stab me, shoot me, make a bloody corpse +of me. Kill that baby, or I'll make your wife an orphan!'</p> + +<p>"'What's all this?' asked Dame Margy, darting into +the apartment and holding up her hands in wild astonishment.</p> + +<p>"'Don't you hear it yell?' howled Bobadil, tearing +out his hair by handfulls. 'It's a baby!'</p> + +<p>"Dame Margy came very near fainting, and Lisette +was obliged to go to her assistance, while Don Philip +approached his enraged friend and succeeded in soothing +him.</p> + +<p>"'Act like a man,' he said, 'and take measures to +punish the perpetrator of the infamous outrage. The +baby is a poor innocent little thing, and Lisette will +attend to it. Lisette, look after the baby! Now, Don +Bobadil, repress your emotions.'</p> + +<p>"The retired actress obeyed her intended husband +with alacrity, assisted by Dame Margy, who was fully +revived, and our hero burst into tears.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, Philip!' he blubbered, 'miserable wretch, +that I am, what shall I do? That infamous woman +will be here in a moment, and I know not how to act. +Oh! curse that baby!'</p> + +<p>"'Woman's wit shall aid you,' said the hitherto silent +Lisette, after whispering to Dame Margy, who immediately +<!--214.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[p. 215]</a></span> +left the apartment. 'Don Bobadil, you must +assume the attire of your housekeeper, and leave Philip +and me to account for your supposed absence, when +Donna Leonora arrives.'</p> + +<p>"As she finished speaking, the old housekeeper returned +with a promiscuous assortment of female garments, +and before our hero had time to resist, he presented +the appearance of a stout old lady.</p> + +<p>'Don't speak a word,' said Don Philip, placing an +immense bonnet and veil upon his head, 'you must +pass for Dame Margy, and leave me to settle with +your cruel mistress.'</p> + +<p>"Though not quite satisfied with this arrangement, +Don Bobadil accepted in silence, especially as the +sound of approaching footsteps fell upon his ear, as +they tumbled him to a distant seat.</p> + +<p>"Dame Margy fled through an opposite door just as +two figures, deeply veiled, entered the apartment.</p> + +<p>"'Holy Virgin! who has rifled my chest? And +where is Don Bobadil?' exclaimed Leonora, clasping +her hands.</p> + +<p>"'Lady,' said Don Philip, advancing to meet her +with much dignity, 'as the friend of Don Bobadil +Banco, it is my duty to inform you that he has discovered +<span class="smcap">ALL</span>, and left Madrid forever.'</p> + +<p>"'All!' exclaimed the lady and duenna in a +breath.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, senora, my friend hates babies!'</p> + +<p>"Like two agitated fawns, Leonora and her attendant +dropped their veils and sprang to the side of the +chest. +<!--215.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[p. 216]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Why!—what—who has done this?' exclaimed +the fair Jewess, quivering like an aspen leaf.</p> + +<p>"'You, lady, can best answer that question.'</p> + +<p>"'It is false! My whole fortune was in that +chest! I am cheated, deceived, ruined!'</p> + +<p>"'Peace! infamous woman!' thundered Don Bobadil, +no longer able to restrain his rage, and darting +toward her. But he stepped upon his skirts, and pitched +headlong to the floor.</p> + +<p>"'Do I dream?' murmured Leonora in affright.</p> + +<p>"'You do not,' screamed our hero, tucking his petticoats +under his arms, and tearing off the veil that +concealed his face. 'Behold! false one! behold! Don +Bobadil Banco!'</p> + +<p>"'Dear Bobadil, you would not kill me?'</p> + +<p>"'No, Leonora, you shall live to repent of this. +Take that wretched baby to its father, or I will strangle +it before your eyes.'</p> + +<p>"'By the God we all worship, I swear I never saw +the child before!' exclaimed Leonora, looking solemnly +upward.</p> + +<p>"Her air of truthfulness carried conviction with +it, and Bobadil stood like one thunderstruck; but +soon a new expression fell upon his countenance, and +he turned gravely to the duenna.</p> + +<p>"'Perhaps <i>you</i> own the—the baby!'</p> + +<p>"'You're a nasty dirty beast!' retorted the chaste +creature, rushing from the room like a ricochetting +shot.</p> + +<p>"'I can answer for the innocence of Laura,' said +Leonora, calmly.</p> + +<p>"Rebuked by her dignified manner, our hero mentally +<!--216.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[p. 217]</a></span> +exonerated her from all blame; yet there was the +baby, screaming lustily, and no other valuables were +found in the chest.</p> + +<p>"'Forgive me, if I have wronged you,' he said, penitently, +'I judged too quickly; but then I took those +gaudy robes from yonder chest, and—<i>who owns the +baby?</i>'</p> + +<p>"'I see how it is,' said Donna Leonora composedly, +turning toward the door, 'you have adopted this plan +to rob me of the little fortune I possessed. I would +willingly incur a much greater loss to escape from +such a monster. Keep my gold, Don Bobadil, and say +you become a better man.'</p> + +<p>"Our hero stood motionless, involved in a maze of +doubts and fears; and the lady was about departing, +when Lisette suddenly sprang forward, and prevented +her.</p> + +<p>"'Stop, lady!' she exclaimed, 'the trick has gone +far enough—<i>I own the baby!</i>'</p> + +<p>"'Lisette speaks truly, and <i>I am the baby's father!</i>' +said Don Philip, grasping the hand of our perplexed +hero.</p> + +<p>"'Villain!' exclaimed Bobadil, feeling for his +sword.</p> + +<p>"'Wretch!' screamed Leonora, feeling for her +handkerchief.</p> + +<p>"'I humbly crave your mercy, until you have +heard my story,' replied Don Philip, coolly placing +his arm about the waist of his Lisette. 'This lady,' he +continued, 'is my <i>wife</i>, and has been such for two +years. I have kept my secret thus rigidly, that it +should not reach the ears of my family until I had arrived +<!--217.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[p. 218]</a></span> +at man's estate; but when you determined to +take a wife I resolved to make you my confidant. +While you were at the house of Miguel to-night, I +brought my wife and <i>baby</i> hither, wishing to surprise +you at your return. I found your chest filled with the +riches I afterwards showed you as the property of an +actress, and prompted by a spirit of mirth, I exchanged +its contents for those of our own. Knowing your hostility +to babies, I placed the young <i>Bobadil</i> in your +casket also, and had you taken notice of small things, +you would have observed that I left the lid partly +open. It's only a reminiscence of college trickery, +my dear Bobadil, and if it has given offence, behold the +culprit at your feet.'</p> + +<p>"The friendly smile of his friend and the imploring +glance of Lisette, completely overcame our hero's +resentment, and he extended his hand in all gentleness; +then turning quickly to the silent, though smiling +Leonora, he fell at her feet, exclaiming:</p> + +<p>"'Dear lady, we are both victims of our friend's +frolic, and there should be no anger between us. I do +dislike babies so much, that the sight of one makes +me desperate; but now that all is explained, I hope +you will forgive me.'</p> + +<p>"The lady smiled so encouragingly upon him, that +he soon stood face to face—I mean lips to lips—with +her.</p> + +<p>"'Let us seek a priest,' said Don Philip, with +solemnity.</p> + +<p>"How this proposition was received, may be assumed +from the fact that Dame Margy soon locked up +an empty house. How Miguel the Jew conducted +<!--218.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[p. 219]</a></span> +when he awoke next morning; how the families of +our friends received the news of their scions' marriages, +and how the young gentlemen felt themselves, +are matters not explained by history; but it is certain +that Don Bobadil and Don Philip were never again +in want of ducats, and it is also certain that if any +one wished to see an angry man, he could be gratified +by eyeing the youngest Banco in a suspicious manner, +and asking in mysterious tones—'<i>Who owns the +Baby?</i>'"</p> + +<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div> + +<p>At the conclusion of this exemplary Spanish tale, +my boy, we "adjourned" our slumbers to Willard's.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, drowsily,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--219.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[p. 220]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXIX" id="LETTER_LXIX"></a>LETTER LXIX.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL +CAPITOL, AND NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., September 12th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>As I sit looking out of my window, my boy, on the +street below, and notice how tranquilly all things are +going on here, despite the excitement of the time, a +deep sense of satisfaction steals over me, and the +American Eagle of patriotic pride flaps his breezy +pinions on the oak tree of my heart. Though I have +just been laughing myself almost sick at the ludicrous +manner in which my friend, the Confederacy, has +walked right straight into the cunning trap prepared +for his destruction by our own noble and profound +generals, actually hastening his own annihilation by +rushing blindly through our lines, and capturing the +twenty or thirty artful villages, towns, and garrisons +left there for the express purpose of tempting him to +his dreadful doom—though I have just been splitting +my sides over this roaring case of ridiculous suicide, +my boy, the city of Washington still maintains its +calmness! Ever conscious that conquer we must, for +our cause it is just, this city remains as placid as a +summer dream; nearly all the liquor-shops doing a +<!--220.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[p. 221]</a></span> +good business through the day, and the evening finding +a majority of our army officers at their posts.</p> + +<p>Lamp-posts, my boy.</p> + +<p>There is something touchingly grand in the calmness +of Washington under such circumstances, and it +reminds me of a pleasing little incident in the Sixth +Ward.</p> + +<p>There was a female millinery establishment on the +third floor of a building composed principally of +stairs, fed with frequent small rooms, and the expatriated +French comtesse, who realized fashionable +bonnets there, used one of her windows to display her +wares. At this window, my boy, she always kept a +young woman of much bloom and symmetry, with the +latest Style on her head, and an expression of unutterable +smile on her face. A young chap carrying a +trumpet in the Fire Department happened to notice +that this angel of fashion was always at the window +when he went by; and as the thought that she particularly +admired his personal charms crept over him, +he at once adopted the plan of passing by every day, +attired in the garments best calculated to render fire-going +manhood most beautiful to the eye. He donned +a vest representing in detail the Sydenham flower-show +on a yellow ground, wore inexpressibles representing +innumerable black serpents ascending white columns, +assumed a neck-tie concentrating all the highest +glories of the Aurora Borealis, mounted two breast-pins +and three studs torn from some glass-house, and +wore a hat that slanted on his head in an engaging +and intelligent manner. Day after day he passed before +the millinery establishment, my boy, still beholding +<!--221.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[p. 222]</a></span> +the beloved object at the window, and occasionally +placing his hand upon his heart in such a way as +to show a large and gorgeous seal-ring containing the +hair of a fellow-fireman who had caught such a cold at +a great fire that he died some years after. "How +cam she is!" says he to himself, "and she's as pretty +as ninety's new hose-carriage. It seems to me," says +the young chap to himself, stooping down to roll up +the other leg of his pants—"it seems to me that I +never see anything so cam. She observes my daily +agoing and yet she don't so much as send somebody +down to see if there's any overcoats in the front +entry."</p> + +<p>One day, my boy, a venerable Irish gentleman, +keeping a boarding-house and ice-cream saloon in the +basement of the establishment, happened to go to sleep +on the stairs with a lighted camphene lamp in his +hand, and pretty soon the bells were ringing for a conflagration +in that district. Immediately our gallant +firemen were on their way to the spot; and having +first gone through forty-two streets on the other side +of the city to wake the people up there and apprise +them of their great danger, reached the dreadful scene, +and instantly began to extinguish the flames by bringing +all the furniture out of a house not more than three +blocks below. In the midst of these self-sacrificing efforts, +a form was seen to dart into the burning building +like a spectre. It was the enamored young chap +who carried a trumpet in the department. He had +seen the beloved object sitting at the window, as +usual, and was bent upon saving her, even though he +missed the exciting fight around the corner. Reaching +<!--222.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[p. 223]</a></span> +the millinery-room door, he could see the object +standing there in the midst of a sea of fire. "How +cam she is," says he. "Miss Milliner," says he, "don't +you see you're all in a blaze?" But still she stood at +the window in all her calmness. The devoted young +chap turned to a fellow-fireman who was just then selecting +two spring bonnets and some ribbon for his +wife, in order to save them from the flames, and says +he: "Jakey, what shall I do?" But Jakey was at that +time picking out some artificial flowers for his youngest +daughter, my boy, and made no answer. Unable +to reach the devoted maid, and rendered desperate by +the thought that she must be asleep in the midst of her +danger, the frantic young chap madly hurled his trumpet +at her. It struck her, and actually <i>knocked her +head off</i>! Horrified at what he had done, the excited +chap called himself a miserable wretch, and was led +out by the collar. It was Jakey who did this deed of +kindness, and says he: "What's the matter with you, +my covey?" The poor young chap wrung his hands, +and says he: "I've killed her, Jakey, I've killed her—and +she so cam." Jakey took some tobacco, and then +says he: "Why, that was only a pasteboard gal, you +poor devil." And so it was, my boy—so it was; but +the affair had such an effect upon the young chap that +he at once took to drinking, and when delirium tremens +marked him for its own, his last words were: +"I've killed her, Jakey, I've killed her—and she so +cam."</p> + +<p>Washington, my boy, is "cam" in the midst of a +conflagration. That is to say, the Government is +<!--223.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[p. 224]</a></span> +"cam," they say; and it may be doubted whether it +would be otherwise, even with its head knocked off.</p> + +<p>The other day, I paid another visit to the Mackerel +camp across the river, and was present at a meeting +of officers called to debate upon the propriety of presenting +a sword to the beloved general, for his heroism +in the late great battle. Captain Samyule Sa-mith +was in favor of the presentation, and says he: "Our +inimitable leader, which is the admiration of everybody, +richly deserves the blade in question. In the +thickest of that deadly fray, his coat-tails were torn +entirely off by a parrot shell."</p> + +<p>Captain Villiam Brown placed the bottle on the table +again, and says he:</p> + +<p>"At which joint were the tails amputated, Samyule?"</p> + +<p>Samyule took a little more sugar with his, and says +he:</p> + +<p>"Close to the buttons."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, "which way was the conqueror's +face turned at the time?"</p> + +<p>"I can't say," says Samyule; "but I don't see what +that has to do with it."</p> + +<p>"That's because you have a feeble intelleck, Samyule," +says Villiam, mildly. "The human form," says +Villiam, reasoningly, "has such variations of surface, +that a projectile hurled at it in a straight line, cannot +simply graze it to any extent without making a wound +in some place. The coat-tails of the human form," +says Villiam, lucidly, "could not without injury to +that form be severed at the buttons by a ball, unless +they were <i>sticking straight out</i> at the instant; and it +<!--224.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[p. 225]</a></span> +is important that the United States of America should +know whether the face of the wearer was turned toward +the Southern Confederacy, or in an opposite direction, +at the exact moment of the disaster."</p> + +<p>The electrifying wisdom of this thoughtful speech, +my boy, had the effect to produce an immediate adjournment +of the general's friends; for when the test +of anatomy is applied to a man's bravery, that bravery +becomes a mere matter of form.</p> + +<p>The general, my boy, is the idol of his Mackerel +children, and as our armies slowly advance to deal the +death-blow to this impious rebellion, it will be proved +that he was not responsible for a single one of the mistakes +he has made, and could have taken Richmond +long ago, but for his inability to do so. Heaven forgive +these Jacobin black-republicans who object to his +being President in 1865! This is the prayer of twenty +millions of free white men under the Constitution, as +was very justly observed to me by a political chap +from New Haven last week. On Tuesday, the Mackerel +Brigade was on the outskirts of Accomac—Company +3, Regiment 1, being sent ahead, under Colonel +Wobert Wobinson, to watch the movements of some +regiments of Confederacies, who were believed to be +either there or in South Carolina. The advance-guard +stayed there two days, my boy, and then an orderly +came riding in to the general, with the request that +he would immediately send re-enforcements and provisions, +as Company 3, Regiment 1, was in danger of +starvation and defeat, at short notice.</p> + +<p>The general ceased fanning himself for a moment, +and says he to the perspiring orderly: +<!--225.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[p. 226]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I have heard your request, my child; but before I +comply with it, I wish to know what is the present +political complexion of Colonel Wobinson."</p> + +<p>The half-starved orderly clasped his thin hands together, +and says he:</p> + +<p>"I don't know; but for God's sake, general, send us +something to eat, and some help, or not one of us can +be saved."</p> + +<p>The general waved his hand magisterially, and says +he:</p> + +<p>"That's very true. But I must first know what are +the sentiments of Colonel Wobinson on the negro +question."</p> + +<p>The orderly might have responded, my boy, had he +not fainted just then from weakness. In pity for his +comrades, orders were at once given for the transportation +of provisions, and re-enforcements to Company 3 +before the end of the month; and had the before mentioned +Confederacies delayed marching into Accomac +until that time, I should not be obliged now to chronicle +another of those disasters to our arms, which the +traitorous harangues of Wendell Philips have so outrageously +produced.</p> + +<p>If this war is to be prosecuted with vigor, my boy, we +must repose unlimited confidence in the ability of the +Administration and of our generals, resolutely frowning +down all Jacobin demonstrations at home, and suffering +our leaders to be interfered with by no one but +each other. If we permit civilians to manage matters, +the country will be undone; but if, on the contrary, +we trust everything to our generals, the country will +be "done"—brown. +<!--226.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[p. 227]</a></span></p> + +<p>Luckily for us all, the occupation of Accomac by the +celebrated Southern Confederacy, is a part of the +great plan of the General of the Mackerel Brigade to +end this rebellion in one crushing blow, and as soon as +the entire Confederacy shall have entered Accomac in +safety, the Mackerel Brigade will proceed to bag it.</p> + +<p>You don't see exactly how this is to be done, eh?</p> + +<p>There you go again, my boy! always meddling with +what you don't understand, and presuming, in your +civilian imbecility, to doubt the practicability—not to +say the utility—of a covert invincibility, rendering it +a futility on the part of Southern agility to take for +weak debility what is really strategic facility, and +bound, in its great fertility of warlike inventibility +and utter reliability, to turn all the foe's agility to a +final accountability, that shall cause him, in future +humility, to treat us, at least, with civility.</p> + +<p>Such, my boy, is the Mackerel plan, to a T.</p> + +<p>This strategy's like some plan for grain depending +so much on a fall of rain, that, in less than a week, +should the drought remain, 'twould ruin it altogether. +It pondereth blindly whether or no the opposite hosts +will do so-and-so: and how it will end at last, you +know, dependeth upon the "whether".</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, calmly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--227.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[p. 228]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXX" id="LETTER_LXX"></a>LETTER LXX.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE +OF SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE +FAILURE OF CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, September 20, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>I am in a star-spangled state of mind, my boy, in +consequence of our recent great victories, and would +most respectfully request the Governors of all the +States to push forward re enforcements immediately. +Having rashly ventured into Accomac after forage +and the pursuit of happiness, the well-known Southern +Confederacy is now hemmed-in with much carnage, +and finds itself hem'd and haw'd. The South, +the South, we love her still, no love than ours profounder; +and, having cornered her at last, we've +thrown our arms around her.</p> + +<p>Let us rejoice together, my boy, over the victory +that has brought new lustre to our flag, and proceed to +extract from history a few parallels calculated to indicate +that the United States of America are somewhat +superior to the ancients in the art of war.</p> + +<p>At the battle of Thermopylæ the heroic Greeks engaged +in the conflict with their foes to the number of +some thousands, and as their foes also prosecuted hostilities +<!--228.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[p. 229]</a></span> +simultaneously, the result was a struggle terminating +in the discomfiture of the defeated party. +<i>Omnium vincit omnia.</i> At the siege of Troy, the Trojans +became involved in active warfare with the +Greeks, the latter being the adversaries of their opponents, +and though either side used their weapons +against the other side, victory finally perched upon +the banners of the conqueror, and produced the general +effect of <i>sic transit gloria mundi</i>. The Troy <i>Tribune</i> +suppressed all mention of McClellan in its account +of this spirited affair. The dreadful struggle of +Argentium was commenced by the attack of one host +upon its antagonists, and raged bitterly, until a cessation +of hostilities found the victors holding an advantage +over the defeated. Burnside's division was not +engaged. In the awful affair of Roncesvalles, the +myrmidons of Charlemagne and the hirelings of Spain +committed a breach of the peace by prosecuting a +mutual affray, resulting in the overthrow of the legions +which were principally overcome, and an advantage +for the brigades chiefly entitled to the victory. <i>Nihil +est nullus.</i></p> + +<p>It will be perceived, my boy, that the army of the +Potomac was engaged in none of those celebrated +contests, as they did not all take place in the same +week. We make much better time, my boy, than the +ancients.</p> + +<p>I told you in my last, that the celebrated Southern +Confederacy had courted inevitable destruction by +marching madly into Accomac at the very moment +when the victorious Mackerel Brigade was marching +out—and before I proceed further with the tale of invasion, +<!--229.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[p. 230]</a></span> +I must pause to relate the strange episode of +Spurioso Grimaldi.</p> + +<p>Spurioso Grimaldi, my boy, superintended the emigration +from Italy to this country of a hand-organ +that was banished for playing revolutionary tunes +some time ago, and on arriving upon our shores proceeded +immediately to don a red shirt, and plan revolutions +for the coming fall and winter seasons. Upon +the breaking out of the war he enlisted three volunteers +under his banner from the chorus of the Academy +of Music; but it was not until the recent occupation +of Accomac that he attempted to put his first revolutionary +scheme into operation. Then, indeed, he +armed his three divisions with three George Law +muskets, and having gained the borders of suffering +Accomac, he issued the following:</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">PROCLAMATION.</p> + +<p>Accomackians! How are you to day? This is, indeed, +a pleasant morning, and the crops look well. +Accomackians, arise! For years you have been the +terror of all strangers stopping at your hotels. The +accommodations you offer, taken into consideration +with the prices you charge, are sufficient to appal the +world! Arise! Remember Waterloo, and Wagram, +and Bull Run, and other battles in which you took no +active part. Now! Right away! Hey?</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Grimaldi.</span><br /> +<!--230.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[p. 231]</a></span></p> + +<p>As the Union element still lives in Accomac, my +boy, and wishes nothing done to disturb the neighborhood, +he could not but deem Mr. Grimaldi's movement +ill advised, and issued the following responsive</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">PROCLAMATION.</p> + +<p>S. Grimaldi, at the head of an army of three equipped +and disciplined troops, calls the Accomackians to +arms. This is scarcely the time for such a call, and +the army of liberation is scarcely adequate to the enterprise +proposed. Some disaster might occur should +an army of three equipped and disciplined troops attack +a force of twenty thousand, under Stonewall +Jackson, at this present crisis. Therefore, let Accomac +rest in peace, and continue to keep a hotel.</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Union L. Lament.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>These proceedings caused great excitement down at +Paris and London, my boy, and the excellent and independent +journals of those places proceeded at once +to publish several yards of profound editorial on the +probable convulsion of the earth's surface, in consequence +of S. Grimaldi's revolutionary proceedings.</p> + +<p>"The entire habitable universe," said the Paris <i>Pitcher</i>, +"appears on the verge of terrible upheavings, +and the army of S. Grimaldi seems destined to work +an entire change in the economy of the creation, and +oblige the North and South Poles to change places +permanently." +<!--231.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[p. 232]</a></span></p> + +<p>Not to be outdone, the London <i>Tumbler</i> issued an +extra, composed entirely of auction advertisements +and an excited editorial: "The black cloud so long +brooding over the shrinking countenance of upturned +nature seems at length prepared to vomit its horrid +flames over the entire surface of animated humanity. +S. Grimaldi, who is now marching on Accomac, is not +unlikely to prove the instrument of this earth-rending +explosion. The unholy American rebellion dwindles +to insignificant nothingness in comparison with this +terrible affair."</p> + +<p>So Grimaldi marshaled his three divisions, my boy, +and having marched upon Accomac, was promptly arrested +by the police and incarcerated to await an examination. +So much for the episode of Spurioso Grimaldi.</p> + +<p>Turning from events which have a deeper interest +for Europe than for our own victorious but distracted +country, let me cheer and improve your mind, my +boy, with some account of the recent glorious victories +around Accomac, wherein the fearless and unwounded +Mackerel Brigade acquired another coat of +glory, making the third this season.</p> + +<p>It was Tuesday morn, when Captain Samyule Sa-mith +of the advance guard, having satisfied himself +that the Brigade was about to achieve its crowning +victory, concluded that the time for expiring after the +manner of General Wolfe at Quebec had arrived at +last. The battle had already commenced, my boy, +and a squad of evil-minded Confederacies were in full +retreat after the Mackerel pickets, when Samyule +hastily fell upon his back, and beckoned for the artist +<!--232.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[p. 233]</a></span> +of Frank Leslie's Illustrated paper, motioned for the +nearest reporter to take out his note-book, drew a lock +of red hair from his bosom and kissed it, waved his +left hand feebly toward his country's standard, and, +says he: "<i>Téte d'Armée!</i> I die for the old fla—"</p> + +<p>"Stop!" shrieked a Mackerel, dashing frantically +to his side at this instant. "The Anatomical Cavalry, +which is ordered to charge the foe, wishes to know if +it shall take its horses along."</p> + +<p>Up sprang Samyule, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Tell the horsemen to take everything but their +trunks with them, and not to stay more than a week. +I really believe," says Samyule in a great passion—"I +really believe the artillery will be wanting to know +next if they'd better load before firing."</p> + +<p>Just at this time, my boy, the Conic Section of the +Mackerel Brigade, under Captain Villiam Brown, +came charging toward the spot with fixed bayonets, +their gallant leader waving his sword, Escalibar, over +his head, and calling on his troops to lead on to victory. +Forward they went like mad, rushing past us +in swift fury, and composing the heaviest visitation of +red noses ever yet launched upon a foe. To be sure, +no foe was visible in the immediate line of their +charge; but as they happened to be going down a +pretty steep hill at the time, it was quite possible that +they might meet some adversaries before they could +stop themselves.</p> + +<p>Fired by the sight, Captain Samyule Sa-mith flew +to take command of a company of Mackerels, who +were busily firing their muskets at some Confederacies +not more than two miles distant; and having placed +<!--233.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[p. 234]</a></span> +himself at the head thereof, was about to proceed in +pursuit of warlike adventures, when he caught sight +of a body of men, followed by another body of men, +moving along in the valley below him.</p> + +<p>"Hem!" says Samyule, ponderingly, "what is this +sight mine eyes behold?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," says a sergeant beside him, "that's the No. +3 army of the Confederacy, escorting some prisoners +which they have just taken at Harper's Ferry."</p> + +<p>Samyule regarded the spectacle attentively for a +moment, and says he: "Well, there's only one thing +more I want to know about it. I want to know," says +Samyule thoughtfully, "which of them two bodies of +infantry is the army, and which is the prisoners?"</p> + +<p>Was there the tiniest, wee-ist, smallest fragment of +sarcasm in his speech? Find out for yourself, my +boy—find out for yourself.</p> + +<p>It was shortly after this remark, and while the +Orange County Howitzers were raining a tempest of +shot and shell at everything but the enemy, that a +small bit of shrapnell fell near Samyule's feet, and +again reminded him of his latter end. Noting that +he was observed by those around him, my boy, and +that the surroundings of the scene were picturesque, +he uttered a hollow groan and fell prone to the earth. +Then picking up the bit of shrapnell, and laying it +upon his heart, he kicked once, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Is it almost morning, mother? Hurra for the old +fla—"</p> + +<p>"Forward with Company 2, immediately," thundered +a messenger who at this moment came tearing +<!--234.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[p. 235]</a></span> +to the spot. "The Confederacy has flanked the Conic +Section, and is trying to escape."</p> + +<p>Preferring to defer death itself rather than see his +beloved country outwitted by the rebels, Captain +Samyule Sa-mith darted swiftly to his feet at the word, +and instantaneously led Company 2 down the hill at +double-quick. I followed him half-way, my boy, and +then turned off into a cross road, where I found Captain +Villiam Brown striving to get a portion of the +devoted Conic Section into a straight line by ranging +it against a fence. Villiam ceased his labors when he +saw me approaching, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Here's conquering beings for you. Ah!" says +Villiam, proudly, "I sent these invincible beings on +a bayonet charge just now, and they have all come +back without their muskets."</p> + +<p>"What did they do with them?" says I.</p> + +<p>"Left them sticking in the foe," says Villiam, exultingly.</p> + +<p>"Are you sure of that, my Alcibiades?" says I, +skeptically.</p> + +<p>"Why," says Villiam, confidentially, "they didn't +bring a single one back with them, and of course they +must have left them sticking into the paralyzed Confederacies."</p> + +<p>If Villiam could draw a checque as easily as he can +draw an inference, my boy, he might paper the outside +of the universe with ten dollar bills and have +enough fifties left to make a very deep border.</p> + +<p>Leaving the decimated <i>corps</i> to reorganize, I hastened +down the hill again, and arrived at the bottom +only to find a group of reporters and Mackerels +<!--235.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[p. 236]</a></span> +surrounding a manly prostrate form. Company 2 had +just succeeded in routing some Confederacies from a +melon-patch, and Captain Samyule Sa-mith was improving +the opportunity to expire once more in an +affecting manner.</p> + +<p>Lifting his feeble head when he saw me, and pulling +a small flag a little further out of a side-pocket in his +coat, the perishing warrior smiled half way down his +chin, and says he:</p> + +<p>"I still live! All hail to the old fla—"</p> + +<p>"One moment, if you please!" shouted Colonel +Wobert Wobinson, breaking through the group.—"Could +you make it convenient to pay me that dollar +you owe me, Samyule?"</p> + +<p>Samyule arose deliberately to his feet again, my +boy, wearing upon his countenance the most awful +expression I ever saw upon a human face.</p> + +<p>"Well," says Samyule, furiously, "I've tried to die +for my country three times to-day, and never got +further than the old fla—! There is such vulgarity +in them which incessantly surrounds me," says Samyule, +bitterly, "that they won't even let me die in +peace."</p> + +<p>Here a Mackerel chap sniffed differentially, and +says he: "But you was trying to die in war, capting."</p> + +<p>There was something so inhuman in the idea of a +man making a joke on such a serious occasion, as that, +my boy, that the entire party was struck dumb with +horror; and one of the spectators retired precipitately +behind a tree, where I immediately heard him laughing +wildly with joy over the thought that it was not +<!--236.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[p. 237]</a></span> +himself who had been guilty of such a hideous +enormity.</p> + +<p>It would be useless for me to spend more time in +showing how the battle raged to a victorious conclusion, +leaving the Mackerel Brigade in triumphant +possession of the ground it occupied at the outset, and +the Confederacy rooted to the spot it held from the +commencement.</p> + +<p>Scarcely had the strife been finished half an hour, +when the popular General of the Mackerel Brigade +arrived to direct all the movements in person, and to +gain some knowledge of the victories he had just won. +Accompanying him was the political chap from New +Haven, who at once proceeded to congratulate the +troops and address them on the subject of the next +election.</p> + +<p>"My brothers in arms," says he, with fond familiarity, +"having done our duty as patriots, let us proceed +to ballot for President of the United States in 1865. +Need I say that our victorious general is the man?"</p> + +<p>Truly, my boy, we shall have little difficulty in +selecting a chief magistrate next term, when there is +such a General longing for the nomination.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, politically,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--237.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[p. 238]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXI" id="LETTER_LXXI"></a>LETTER LXXI.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL +BRIGADE ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, +AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN WROTE A RADICAL POEM.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, September 27th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>"John Brown's body," which has been "marching +on" for some time past, my boy, being thus considerably +in advance of our strictly Constitutional Army, +has at length made a great strategic movement, and +evoked the following promissory note from our Honest +Old Abe:</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Colorless Domicil</span>, Sept. 22d, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>"Ninety days after date I promise to pay the Southern +Confederacy, or order, the full amount of its deserts.</p> + +<p> +"$ <i>Emancipation.</i> +</p> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">H. O. Abe.</span></p> + +<p>The morning after this little settlement was made, +my boy, I met the conservative Kentucky chap on +Pennsylvania avenue, and was greatly edified by his +high-minded remarks on the subject. "Having recently +disposed of any attached contrabands to good +<!--238.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[p. 239]</a></span> +advantage," says he, sagely, "I am now deeply convinced +that my brother-in-law, the Southern Confederacy, +has brought this dispensation upon himself. I +have said all along that it would be so at last," says +the genial Kentucky chap, casting another glance at +the score of a recent game of Euchre which he held +in his hand. "I have said all along that it would be +so at last, and I am still disposed to sustain the Administration +and crush the Black Republicans."</p> + +<p>When I remembered the sentiments held by this +accommodating chap only about a week ago, my boy, +I could not but feel that he had made a remarkably +sudden revolution on the axes he had to grind; and +as there was a pleasing spice of human audacity in his +easy way of suiting his style to the political demands +of the moment, I was strongly reminded of a chap I +once knew in the Sixth Ward.</p> + +<p>He was a young chap of gorgeous vest-pattern, and +one Sunday afternoon he went out riding with another +sprightly young chap, who was accompanied by his +plighted pink bonnet. They were riding joyously +along in their hired vehicle, my boy, pleasantly discussing +the merits of Eighty's new foreman, and other +subjects equally well calculated to entertain and improve +the fond female mind, when, as they turned a +sharp corner, there loomed up, at some distance ahead, +a house bearing a sign reading:</p> + +<p class="center"> +FEED STORE<br /> +<br /> +OATS FOR SALE HERE.<br /> +<!--239.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[p. 240]</a></span></p> + +<p>No sooner did the spirited livery-horse observe this +dangerous sign, my boy, than he dashed toward it in +a manner worthy of my own gothic steed, the architectural +Pegasus; and as there happened to be a few +stones in the way, the two chaps and the pink bonnet +were presently shot into the surrounding atmosphere +without regard to the character of the day. While the +excited quadruped went on with the two fore-wheels +of the vehicle for the purpose of reading the sign +nearer by, the chap of the gorgeous vest-pattern announced +his safe arrival in a sand-bank by the appropriate +and cheery cry of "Fire! fire! fire!" and the +other chap and the pink bonnet warbled hasty thanksgivings +in the bosom of a romantic ditch. How they +finally caught the spirited livery horse, and induced +him to come back to the city again by making a copy +of the sign on a bit of paper, and placing it in his +mouth, and how they ultimately reached home, you +must imagine. But in about a week after, the unnatural +livery-stable keeper brought suit against the smitten +chap for the two hind-wheels of his wagon; and +when the young chap of gorgeous vest-pattern was +put upon the stand to prove that the catastrophe was +not the driver's fault, he winked agreeably at the people, +and says he: "My friend and assoshate exerted +hisself visibly to subdue the fiery old oat-mill. As it +was, his brains was nearly dashed out, his neck-tie was +sprained, and he <i>found his watch wound up</i>."</p> + +<p>Here the livery lawyer thought he had the friendly +chap in a tight place, and says he:</p> + +<p>"You say that by being thrown from the wagon so +violently, the defendant's watch was wound up. Perhaps +<!--240.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[p. 241]</a></span> +you will inform the court how such a strange +phenomenon <i>could</i> occur?"</p> + +<p>The young chap merely paused long enough to +make another desperate attempt to reconcile the bottom-edge +of his waistcoat to the top-edge of his inexpressibles, +and says he, with a fine smile:</p> + +<p>"Why, it was easy enough for his watch to be +wound up by it, my covey; because <i>he turned three +times in the air before he lit</i>."</p> + +<p>Accommodating conservative chaps, my boy, though +momentarily thrown out of their reckoning, by reason +of sudden proceedings caused by the latest signs of +the times, have a happy aptitude for turning-about as +often as may seem necessary, before alighting on a +fixed principle.</p> + +<p>The Mackerel chaplain, who came up from Harper's +Ferry on Monday afternoon, was delighted with H. O. +Abe's promissory note, and considers that old John +Brown is at last</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 6em">AVENGED.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">God's scales of Justice hang between<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The deed Unjust and the end Unseen,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the sparrow's fall in the one is weighed<br /></span> +<span class="i0">By the Lord's own Hand in the other laid.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">In the prairie path to our Sun-set gate,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In the flow'ring heart of a new-born State,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Are the hopes of an old man's waning years,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Neath headstones worn by an old man's tears.<br /></span> +<!--241.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[p. 242]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When the bright sun sinks in the rose-lipped West,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His last red ray is the headstone's crest;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the mounds he laves in a crimson flood<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Are a Soldier's wealth baptized in blood!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Do ye ask who reared those headstones there,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And crowned with thorns a sire's gray hair?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And by whom the Land's great debt was paid<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To the Soldier old, in the graves they made?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Shrink, Pity! shrink, at the question dire;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And, Honor, burn in a blush of fire!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Turn, Angel, turn from the page thine eyes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or the Sin, once written, never dies!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They were men of the Land he had fought to save<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From a foreign foe that had crossed the wave,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When his sun-lit youth was a martial song,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And shook a throne as it swelled along.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They were sons of the clime whose soft, warm breath<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is the soul of earth, and a life in death;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where the Summer dreams on the couch of Spring,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the songs of birds through the whole year ring;<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Where the falling leaf is the cup that grew<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To catch the gems of the new leaf's dew,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the winds that through the vine-leaves creep<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Are the sighs of Time in a pleasant sleep.<br /></span> +<!--242.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[p. 243]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But there lurked a taint in the clime so blest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like a serpent coiled in a ring-dove's nest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the human sounds to the ear it gave<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Were the clank of chains on a low-browed Slave!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The Soldier old at his sentry-post,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where the sun's last trail of light is lost,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Beheld the shame of the Land he loved,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the old, old love in his bosom moved.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He cried to the land, Beware! Beware<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of the symboled Curse in the Bondman there!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a prophet's soul in fire came down<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To live in the voice of old John Brown.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He cried; and the ingrate answer came<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In words of steel from a tongue of flame;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They dyed his hearth in the blood of kin,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And his dear ones fell for the Nation's Sin!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">O, matchless deed! that a fiend might scorn,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">O, deed of shame! for a world to mourn;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A Soldier's pay in his blood most dear,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a land to mock at a Father's tear!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Is't strange that the tranquil soul of age<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was turned to strife in a madman's rage?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is't strange that the cry of blood did seem<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like the roll of drums in a martial dream?<br /></span> +<!--243.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[p. 244]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Is't strange the clank of the Helot's chain<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Should drive the Wrong to the old man's brain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To fire his heart with a santon's zeal,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And mate his arm to the Soldier's steel?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The bane of Wrong to its depth had gone,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the sword of Right from its sheath was drawn;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But the cabined Slave heard not his cry,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the old man armed him but to die.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Ye may call him Mad, that he did not quail<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When his stout blade broke on the unblest mail;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ye may call him Mad, that he struck alone,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And made the land's dark Curse his own;<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But the Eye of God looked down and saw<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A just life lost by an unjust law;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And black was the day with God's own frown<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When the Southern Cross was a martyr's Crown!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Apostate clime! the blood then shed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Fell thick with vengeance on thy head,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To weigh it down 'neath the coming rod<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When thy red right hand should be stretched to God.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Behold the price of the life ye took;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At the death ye gave 'twas a world that shook;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the despot deed that one heart broke,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From their slavish sleep a Million woke!<br /></span> +<!--244.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[p. 245]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Not all alone did the victim fall,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Whose wrongs first brought him to your thrall;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The old man played a Nation's part,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And ye struck your blow at a Nation's heart!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The freemen-host is at your door,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a Voice goes forth with a stern "No More!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To the deadly Curse, whose swift redeem<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was the visioned thought of John Brown's dream.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">To the Country's Wrong, and the Country's stain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It shall prove as the scythe to the yielding grain;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the dauntless pow'r to spread it forth,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is the free-born soul of the chainless North.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">From the East, and West, and North they come,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To the bugle's call and the roll of drum;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a form walks viewless by their side—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A form that was born when the Old Man died!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The Soldier old in his grave may rest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Afar with his dead in the prairie West;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But a red ray falls on the headstone there,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like a God's reply to a Soldier's pray'r.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He may sleep in peace 'neath the greenwood pall,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For the land's great heart hath heard his call;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a people's Will and a people's Might,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shall right the Wrong and proclaim the Right.<br /></span> +<!--245.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[p. 246]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The foe may howl at the fiat just,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And gnash his fangs in the trodden dust;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But the battle leaves his bark a wreck,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the Freeman's heel is on his neck.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Not all in vain is the lesson taught,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That a great soul's Dream is the world's New Thought;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the Scaffold marked with a death sublime<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is the Throne ordained for the coming time.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The chaplain runs as naturally to poetry, my boy, +as a water-melon does to seed, and his muse is apt to +be—alas! what a melancholy one!</p> + +<p>In my last epistle, I was somewhat hyperbolical +when I meant to be metaphorical, as some of the older +writers were allegorical when they meant to be categorical. +I told you, my boy, that we had cornered the +prudish Confederacy in Accomac, and "thrown our +arms around her." Your natural ignorance will demand +an explanation; and I deem it fit to say, that +by the phrase "thrown our arms around her," I meant +to say that certain Mackerel regiments, in furtherance +of the profound strategy of the General of the Mackerel +Brigade, had thrown their arms away, on every +side of the entrapped Confederacy. It was believed +that the Confederacy was perfectly safe for immediate +capture, my boy; but upon the discovery that +the fords of Allkwyet River, in the rear of Accomac, +where the Confederacy could cross, were adjoining +each other, and extended from the source of the river +<!--246.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[p. 247]</a></span> +to its mouth, it was deemed proper to let the Confederacy +court further ruination by retiring in that +direction. Hence, whilst the watchful Conic section +took a brief nap, the Anatomical Cavalry was sent +rapidly in front of the disgracefully retreating Confederacy +to clear the road for it to the river, and +then telegraph the news of the great victory to all the +excellent morning journals.</p> + +<p>It was another splendid stroke of profound strategy, +my boy, and would have crowned the idolized General +of the Mackerel Brigade with new laurels, had +he not been too bashfully modest to understand it +himself.</p> + +<p>Finding, however, that it seemed to be better than +something worse, he told his staff a small story to +clear his throat, and then unfurled the following</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">PROCLAMATION.</p> + +<p>I, the General of the Mackerel Brigade, next President +of the United States of America, and Commander-in-Chief +of the Mackerel Army and superior improved +iron-plated squadron, do hereby swear, that on +this occasion, as in a previous instance, the war will +be prosecuted for the object of practically maintaining +the Constitution forever destroyed, and restoring +friendly relations between the sections and States inexorably +alienated; that it is my practical purpose to +suggest, at the next orderly meeting of the Mackerel +Brigade, a practical offer of pecuniary compensation +for the slaves of the so-called Border States which +have refrained, through patriotic fear, from waging +<!--247.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[p. 248]</a></span> +unnatural hostilities with the United States of America +and my practical self. Gradual Emancipation +having thus set in, as far as those States are concerned, +either voluntarily, or by virtue of a superior discretion, +persons of African descent will again be privileged, +or voluntarily compelled to colonize in Nova +Zembla, where bear hunting is still in full bloom; +that on the first day of April, in the year of our Lord +one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, all persons +held as slaves by what is then known as the ruins +of the Southern Confederacy, shall be then, thence, +thenceforward and forever free, if they choose to consider +themselves so, and are able to achieve their independence; +that on the aforesaid first of April, the +General of the Mackerel Brigade will designate the +States, or parts of States, which have rendered this +proclamation nugatory, by returning involuntarily, +and by force of our arms, to their allegiance, inviting +them to elect members of Congress, boarders at +Willard's and Senators as usual, the same as though +their somewhat-prolonged rebellion against the United +States of America had been a rather meritorious arrangement, +entitling them to more than ordinary consideration.</p> + +<p>And I do hereby respectfully request all officers to +refrain in future from paying the traveling expenses +of persons of African descent sent by them to their +revolted masters after a term of trench service, as +there don't appear to be any common-sense in such +expenditure.</p> + +<p>And the General of the Mackerel Brigade will further +recommend, that all citizens of the United States +<!--248.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[p. 249]</a></span> +remaining loyal now, or who may become loyal, voluntarily +or otherwise, at any period of the world's history, +be fully compensated for all losses sustained by +the United States, including the loss of memory or +eye sight.</p> + +<p>In witness whereof, behold the signature and seal +of the</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">General of the Mackerel Brigade.</span><br /> +(Green Seal.)<br /> +</p> + +<p>While I am compelled to admit, my boy, that I do +not exactly understand by what authority the General +of the Mackerel Brigade is empowered to issue this +Proclamation; and that some of its clauses—particularly +the last—strike me as being somewhat muddled, +I yet regard it as at least a faint evidence that the tremendous +farce in which we have so long been playing +such bloody parts is at last coming to an end.</p> + +<p>And since the farce seems drawing to a close, perhaps +your farcical Orpheus C. Kerr could select no +fitter time than this to withdraw with grace from the +field.</p> + +<p>As this thought occurs to me, my boy, I look up, +and behold a couple of our brigadiers a few paces off, +with only two tumblers between them. Their faces +are expressionless. I have seen apple-dumplings with +more expression, especially when dressed with sauce. +It is impossible, my boy, that any wise thing should +enter into the heads of our brass-buttoned generals +under any possible circumstances; and with heavy +heart, I acknowledge the conviction that I must still +rush the quill.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, enduringly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--249.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[p. 250]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXII" id="LETTER_LXXII"></a>LETTER LXXII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND +DESCRIBING THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 4th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Our Honest Abe, my boy, may lack these brilliant +qualities which in the great legislator may constitute +either the live-oak sceptre of true patriotism or the +dexter finger of refined roguery, as the genius of the +age pivots on honesty or diplomacy; but his nature +has all the sterling characteristics of the heartiest manhood +about it, and there is a smiling sun in his composition +which never sets. That he is in his anecdotage, +my boy, is a fact</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Which nobody can deny;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or, if they do, they lie!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>yet even his anecdotes have that simple sunlight in +them which is, perhaps, a greater boon to the high +place of a nation in the dark hour, than the most weird +and perpetual haze of crafty wisdom could be.</p> + +<p>There was a dignified chap here from New York on +Monday; a chap who has invented many political +conventions in his time, and came here for the special +<!--250.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[p. 251]</a></span> +purpose of learning everything whatsoever concerning +the present comparative inactivity of the able-bodied +Mackerel Brigade.</p> + +<p>The Mackerel Brigade, my boy, has done little more +than skirmish on the festive borders of the well-known +Southern Confederacy since the great metaphysical +victory in which it gained such applause and lost a +few muskets, and the dignified convention chap called +upon the Honest Abe to learn the meaning of the present +situation.</p> + +<p>Rumor states that it was the Honest Abe's hour of +fragmentary leisure when this inquiring chap perforated +the White House; and that he was sitting +with his boots on the window-sill, carving a pine toothpick +from a vagrant chip.</p> + +<p>"Mr. President," says the dignified chap, affably, +"such is the agony of the public mind in consequence +of the present uncertainty in military affairs that I feel +it my duty, as a humble portion of that Mind, to +respectfully request of you some information as to the +reason for the cotemporary Mackerel inactivity."</p> + +<p>"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, combing his locks +with his right hand, and placing a small bit of the +chip in the right corner of his Etruscan mouth: "Perhaps +I cannot better answer your question, neighbor, +than by relating a small tale:</p> + +<p>"There was a man out in Iowa who owned a large +farm, on which he raised everything but the interest +of his purchase-money, and it cost him so little to send +his crops to the market that he was all the time wishing +he could find the crops to send. Now, this man +was very tenacious of his rights," says the Honest +<!--251.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[p. 252]</a></span> +Abe, putting the argument with his jack-knife—"he +was very tenacious of his rights; and when a squatter-sovereign +from Missouri came and squatted right on +one of his best pieces of land, he determined to whip +that squatter-sovereign within an inch of his life, and +then send him trooping. So he goes down one day to +where the squatter had run up a shingle house," says +the Honest Abe, brushing a chip from his right knee, +"he goes down there, and says he to the squatter: 'If +you don't make tracks from here in twenty-four hours, +you varmint, I'll make you smell thunder and see +chain-lightnin'.' The squatter threw away the axe +with which he was thumping down a maple log for a +door-post, and says he: 'This is a free country, +stranger; and if you'll come to a place where the +grass is thick enough to make a tidy tumble, we'll +have it out at once.' This put the old man's dander +right up," says the Honest Abe, pulling down his vest; +"this put his dander right up, and says he: 'Grass be +darned! Here's a spot of ground as bare as the top +of Governor Chase's head, and I'll jest trouble you—y' +old varmint you—to find how soft it is for a night's +lodgings.' After this speech there was no more to be +said; so the two geniuses repaired to the bare spot, +and squared away at each other like all possest. The +old man was great on the science of the thing," says +the Honest Abe, using the toe of one boot as a boot-jack +to pull the other half-way off—"the old man was +great on the science of boxing; but the squatter had +the muscle, and in about two winks the old 'un was +packing the gravel. Up he got again, very ricketty +in the shoulder-blades, and came to call like a grizzly +<!--252.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[p. 253]</a></span> +in bee-time, striking out with a bang up science, and +would have triumphed gloriously if he hadn't suddenly +gone to gravel again, with all his baggage. On +this occasion, he righted with both his elbows out of +joint, and says he: 'You're as good as chawed up—y' +old varmint, you—but I'll come back here next spring, +and have it out with you on this same spot.' The +squatter agreed to that, and they parted for the time.</p> + +<p>"Now the story of this drawn-fight got abroad, you +see," says the Honest Abe, working the blade of his +jack-knife with his thumb—"it got abroad; and one +day a neighbor went to the old 'un, and says he: +'There's one thing about that big fight of yours, Uncle +Billy, I can't understand. What made you put off the +end of the show till next spring?'</p> + +<p>"'Have you seen the cantankerous spot where we +fit?' says the old 'un, moving his shoulders uneasily.</p> + +<p>"'Truelie,' says the neighbor.</p> + +<p>"'Well,' says the old 'un, craftily, 'I'm just waiting +<i>till that thar spot has a trifle of grass on it</i>.'"</p> + +<p>At the conclusion of this natural little narrative, my +boy, the dignified conventional chap hurried from the +White House scratching his head: and I really believe, +my boy—I really believe, that his sensitive soul detected +an analogy not gushingly flattering to national +strategy and the President of the United States for +1865.</p> + +<p>Soon after hearing of this, I met him at Willard's, +and says I: "Well, my sagacious Mirabeau, what is +your final opinion of our Honest Abe?"</p> + +<p>He merely paused long enough to swear at a button +which happened to burst from the neck-band of his +<!--253.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[p. 254]</a></span> +shirt just then, and says he: "The Honest Abe is a +well-meaning Executive, enough. He's a well-meaning +Executive," says the dignified chap, with an air +of slightly-irritated good-nature; "but I wish he'd do +something to save his country, instead of telling small +tales all the time."</p> + +<p>Our President is an honest man, my boy, and the +glass in his spectacles isn't exactly made of the paper +they print telegrams upon.</p> + +<p>Learning that the Mackerel Brigade was still awaiting +abject peace propositions from the exhausted Confederacy, +on the borders of Accomac, I scaled the outer +walls of my Gothic steed, Pegasus, on Wednesday, +and sped thither on the metaphorical wings of retarded +lightning. A wisp of hay was clinging to the wiry +mane of the architectural animal, my boy, and this I +used to delude the spirited steed from making those +sudden stops in which he invariably indulges whenever +a passing acquaintance hails us with the familiar +salutation of "Hey!—where are you bound?" The +charger has evidently a confused idea of the word +"Hey," my boy.</p> + +<p>Upon gaining the outskirts of Accomac, I met Company +3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, just coming +out to make a bayonet-charge upon one of the Confederacy's +earthworks not far away. I might have let the +warriors pass by unheeded, my boy, as I was deeply +ruminating upon strategy; but as they came nearer, I +noticed among them a file of red noses dragging along +a Mackerel, who was tearing and groaning like a madman. +In fact, the chap became so violent just then, +<!--254.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[p. 255]</a></span> +that Captain Villiam Brown precipitately dropped his +canteen and halted the company.</p> + +<p>I looked at the devoted and nearly-sober beings +clustered about the struggling chap, and says I:</p> + +<p>"Has mutiny reared his horrid front, my veterans? +What ails our gymnastic friend?"</p> + +<p>A Mackerel, largely patched in several departments +of his attire, shaded his voice with a crab-like hand, +and says he: "That is Jakey Mogs, which got a letter +from his virchoose femly just the instant we was +ordered to fix bayonets, and he's gone cracked because +the Captain can't let him leave for home in a +big rush."</p> + +<p>Here the refractory chap burst furiously from those +who were holding him, fell upon his knees before the +captain, and says he, as he cried like a woman: "For +God's sake, Cap, <i>do</i> let me go home just this once, and +I swear to God I won't stay there more than just one +minnit! My old woman wrote this herself (tearing the +letter from his ragged breast), and she says our little +Tom is dying. He's a-dying—O good Lord! it's too +much! Please let me go, my dear, good Cap, and I +won't be gone an hour; and I'll bring you back the +pootiest little bull-tarrier you ever see; and you can +shoot me for desertion—honor bright! My Tommy's +a-dying, I tell you, and she's wrote for me to come +right away. Just an hour, Cap, for God's sake!—only +<i>half</i> an hour, and I'll come back and be shot—honor +bright!"</p> + +<p>As the wild words came pouring out of the poor fellow's +working soul, there fell a breathless hush upon +all his comrades; the line of bayonets seemed to me +<!--255.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[p. 256]</a></span> +to reflect the soft light of the afternoon with a kind of +strange quiver, and though the Captain turned his head +sternly away from the suppliant, there was not that +firmness in the arm circling to his hip which drives +home the sword of the strong.</p> + +<p>"Take the being under guard," says Villiam, +hoarsely; "for he <i>must</i> go."</p> + +<p>At the word, the rude father sprang to his feet, with +a tigerish glare in his eyes, dashed the letter to the +ground, tore his bowie from its sheath; and as, with +the howl of a wild beast, he made a furious thrust at +one of those who approached to secure him—Nature +broke in the tempest, and he fell into the arms of a +comrade, in a fit. They sent him back, then, to camp, +and Company 3, Regiment 5, moved forward once +again, as though nothing had happened.</p> + +<p>Alas! my boy, when this whole war is the sensitive +nerve of a vast nation, and vibrates a thrill of mortal +agony to a million of souls at each jar the very air receives +from a shot, what matter is it if a single heart +be broken.</p> + +<p>I pondered this deeply as I followed Company 3; +nor did I heed the affable remarks occasionally volunteered +by Captain Villiam Brown until we gained the +edge of the field wherein was located a company of +bushwhacking Confederacies, as was supposed, behind +a scientific mud-work. Captain Bob Shorty and Captain +Samyule Sa-mith were already on the ground to +witness the bayonet charge; and it was well that they +had provided bits of smoked glass to view it through, +as the glaring brilliancy of the anticipated feat might +have proved hurtful to the naked eye. As I took my +<!--256.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[p. 257]</a></span> +place with them, my boy, I could not but admire the +rapidity with which Captain Villiam Brown kicked +some of his beings into a straight line before the foe's +front, and at the same time addressed them after the +manner of a great commander:</p> + +<p>"Comrades," says Villiam, his voice quivering finely +with uncontrollable valor, "the eyes of future centuries +are looking down upon you on this present occasion, +and your distracted country expects you to propel the +gleamy steel. Ah!" says Villiam, taking another +hasty look at his notes, "the distracted country has +great confidence in bayonet charges, which are quite +valuable on account of their scarcity in this unnatural +war. My fellow-beings," says Villiam, allowing several +Mackerels to get in front of him, that he might +more readily direct their movements, "we will now +proceed to charge bayonets."</p> + +<p>From our point of vantage, we saw that serried host +sweep on, my boy, their movements being exceedingly +rapid for several yards; when they went slower, and +finally stopped.</p> + +<p>Captain Samyule Sa-mith eyed them intensely +through his glass, and says he: "It appears to me +that there is temporary inactivity in the ranks, +and I can see some manly heads turned the wrong +way."</p> + +<p>Captain Bob Shorty frowned until his left eyebrow +contracted a delicate streak of smoke from <i>his</i> glass, +and says he: "You speak like one of feeble mind, +Samyule. The legs, not the head, are the portions of +the human frame to be watched in a baynit charge."</p> + +<p>Taught by this remark, I gazed at the nether continuations +<!--257.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[p. 258]</a></span> +of our country's hope and pride, and my +glass told me that many of them were working in their +sockets as though belonging to wholly irresponsible +parties. Were those devoted men about to change +their base of operations and entrap Stonewall Jackson's +whole force again, without waiting to receive a shot?</p> + +<p>It was a moment of dreadful suspense.</p> + +<p>Then did the matchless genius of Villiam Brown +arise to the full demands of the breathless occasion, in +one of those subtle appeals to human nature's great +undercurrent which leads men as children often are +led. In the rear of the Confederacy's work was the +slanting side of a precipitous hill, and to this hill-side +he had secretly dispatched the paymaster of the <i>corps</i>, +by a circuitous route, with a package that looked as +though it might contain Treasury Notes under his arm. +Just at this awful juncture, when the fate of the day +hung by a hair, that paymaster made his appearance +on the hill-side above the mud-work, and put on his +spectacles to make himself more plainly visible.</p> + +<p>"Comrades," says Villiam, pointing to the celestial +figure, "yonder is the disbursing genius of the +United States of America. Charge baynits, and let +us be paid off."</p> + +<p>Though the whole Confederacy had been in the way +at that moment, my boy, it would not have delayed +the charge. Forward went Company 3, Regiment 5, +with mercenary celerity, capturing the hostile work +with great success; and finding therein a Confederate +letter, stating that the Confederacy could not so far +demean itself as to fight a force whose leader had not +been educated at West Point. +<!--258.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[p. 259]</a></span></p> + +<p>There is a point, my boy, <i>beyond</i> which the Confederacy +cannot hope to offer successful resistance to +our arms, and recent events would seem to indicate +that it is West Point.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, formally,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--259.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[p. 260]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXIII" id="LETTER_LXXIII"></a>LETTER LXXIII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN +CLUB, AT WHICH THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR +STORIES.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 8th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>At the meeting of the Cosmopolitans last evening, +my boy, N. E. Ottoman, the Turkish chap, related +the tale of</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">THE SULTAN'S FAVORITE.</p> + +<p>"In all Circassia, there was no woman to be compared +with Zara, for beauty. Her eyes were like the +stars, her hair was threads of gold, her teeth were +pearls, her complexion more white and pure than the +marble of Patras, and her form was like those of the +houris, whom Allah has locked up in paradise, for the +benefit of all true believers.</p> + +<p>"The father of this beautiful girl was a mountain +chieftain, much noted for his physical strength, bravery, +and insatiable avarice. His wife died in giving birth +to Zara, and upon her child he lavished all the affection +<!--260.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[p. 261]</a></span> +which his iron heart could nourish; but gold +overcame the finer feelings of a parent, and Nemyl +beheld the bud of childhood bursting forth into the +soul-subduing woman with thoughts in which there +was far more speculation than love.</p> + +<p>"'You shall be sold to the Sultan,' said he to her, +'and he will soon become your most devoted slave. +You may make him do what you will, and I shall become +respected and rich, as the father of a Sultan's +favorite.'</p> + +<p>"Zara made no reply to such anticipations; for, +although she honored the <i>alem penali</i> of mankind, +her affections had lighted upon another object.</p> + +<p>"During the war between the Russians and Circassians, +truces of a few days' duration were quite frequent, +and at such periods those of both parties who +were upon the plains, intermingled, and spoke words +of peace to each other. On one of these occasions, a +Russian detachment was quartered near the habitation +of Nemyl, and a young officer, who beheld Zara, fell +in love with her at first sight, although he saw nothing +but her form; for her face was covered.</p> + +<p>"Garstoff (for such was his name) made various +attempts to have communication with the insensible +object of his passion; but, for some days, his efforts +were in vain—the Circassians being very ready to +keep truce with his countrymen, but very jealous, +also, of any attention bestowed upon one of their own +nation. The officer beheld the brief period of peace +fast drawing to an end, and was about to resign his +darling object, when fortune unexpectedly befriended +him. +<!--261.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[p. 262]</a></span></p> + +<p>"One evening as he was returning to his camp, a +sound of clashing steel fell upon his ear, and, turning +in the direction from whence it came, he observed a +horseman bravely defending himself against the assaults +of four men in Turkish costume. Swift as lightning, +his sword flew from his scabbard, and going to +the assistance of the rider, he made two of the assailants +bite the dust, while the others took to their heels +and quickly disappeared.</p> + +<p>"'Your assistance was most timely, and I owe my +life to you,' said the horseman, dismounting from his +steed, and peering into the face of his new ally.</p> + +<p>"'I am happy to have been of service to a brave +man,' replied Garstoff, 'but who were those scoundrels?'</p> + +<p>"'I know them not,' answered the other, 'but suppose +them to belong to a band of mountain thieves, +who are prowling about the camps in search of plunder. +I perceive, by your uniform, that you are one of our +enemies. But we are at peace now, and as you have +saved my live, I extend the hand of friendship to you. +Come with me to my house, and we will eat salt together.'</p> + +<p>"'May I know the name of my new friend?' asked +the Russian.</p> + +<p>"'I am Nemyl, and I put my trust in God.'</p> + +<p>"'I cannot refuse your kind invitation,' said Garstoff. +And Nemyl remounting his horse, the two set +off at good speed not saying another word until they +arrived at the house of the chieftain. It was a spacious +but rude habitation, and the only attendant who +welcomed the pair was a pretty little girl of scarce +<!--262.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[p. 263]</a></span> +ten years. Nemyl fastened the horses of himself and +visitor under a low shed, and then proceeded to an +apartment where <i>rabols</i>, viands, various fruits, mountain +herbs, and large vessels filled with coffee and +eastern wines, were placed upon a table with covers +for three persons.</p> + +<p>"'We sup here,' he said, motioning Garstoff to a +seat beside the board, and taking one himself. 'I +expected to have met one of our chiefs to-night, and +brought him to my house, but those fellows stopped +me, and I changed my company. Eat—What is +your name?'</p> + +<p>"'Major Garstoff.'</p> + +<p>"A shade passed over the features of Nemyl, at the +sound of that name, and he grasped the hilt of his +scymetar, for he had heard of the officer's attempt to +speak with Zara, and it was only a thought of recent +events that restrained him from rushing upon the bold +barbarian with the fury of a tiger.</p> + +<p>"Garstoff beheld the change in his host's manner, +and had grasped his own weapon, to defend himself +from any sudden attack, when a door was opened, and +Zara entered the department, preceded by the little +slave, looking more beautiful than ever.</p> + +<p>"The officer was filled with various emotions by her +presence; for he at once recognised her as the idol of +his heart, and all feelings of anger disappeared at +once.</p> + +<p>"'This is my child Zara,' said Nemyl, with affected +indifference. 'The great Sultan has an apartment for +her in his seraglio, and his Aga has already bargained +with me for her purchase.' +<!--263.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[p. 264]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Garstoff watched the girl's countenance, while her +father spoke thus, and was delighted to perceive that +she was discomposed by his words; but resolving to +avoid a quarrel with his entertainer, he replied:</p> + +<p>"'Happy must be the man, whether sultan or renegade, +who is destined to claim so much beauty for +his own.'</p> + +<p>"The suspicions of Nemyl were lulled to sleep by +such disinterested expressions, and he ate and drank +with his visitor, in all good will, while Zara listened +in silence to their conversation. At length, the fumes +of the liquors which he had swallowed, mounted to his +brain, and after giving vent to some incoherent oaths, +the Circassian fell upon the floor in a state of insensibility. +His visitor was quite astonished by such a +catastrophe; but as it afforded him an opportunity to +converse with Zara, he rather rejoiced at it.</p> + +<p>"'Fair lady,' said he, 'can it indeed be true that +your charms are destined to wither in the Sultan's +harem?'</p> + +<p>"'It is true, stranger,' answered Zara, in mournful +tones, 'the Aga of Soliman, spoke with my father +at Constantinople, and I am to be borne thither soon.'</p> + +<p>"'Does such a fate please you, Zara?' asked the +officer.</p> + +<p>"'No!' replied the beautiful Circassian, with emphasis. +'But it is the will of Allah, and I must +submit.'</p> + +<p>"She arose from her seat, and beckoning for the +attendant, was about to leave the apartment, when +Garstoff, laid his hand upon her arm, and gently +restrained her. +<!--264.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[p. 265]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Forgive my rudeness,' he said, with much earnestness; +'but, Zara, I cannot behold your sacrifice, +without endeavoring to avert it. I am a stranger to +you; but you are not a stranger to me; for I have +seen you, when you thought yourself unobserved, and a +fire has been kindled in my breast, which nothing but +possession of you can ever abate. Tell me to perform +some deed, that I may prove the ardor of my love; +let me save you from the fearful doom that threatens +you—'</p> + +<p>"'Stop! Christian,' interrupted the maid; 'I have +never seen your face before, and how can I trust a +stranger? Go! or Nemyl shall punish you when he +awakes. I can hear your words no longer.'</p> + +<p>"'Think not that I fear your father,' answered Garstoff, +'though I stand in his house; yet I will no +longer excite your anger by staying here.'</p> + +<p>"He arose, and would have departed, had not the +daughter of Nemyl placed herself in his way.</p> + +<p>"'What would you do for me?' she asked hurriedly.</p> + +<p>"'I would sacrifice my life, if necessary.'</p> + +<p>"'That would not help me, Christian. Dare you +appear in the field as a rival to the sultan, for my +favor?'</p> + +<p>"'As a rival to ten thousand sultans, for such a +reward.'</p> + +<p>"'Why do you not <i>buy me</i>, then?'</p> + +<p>"The Russian staggered back and turned pale at +the suggestion; for it reminded him how wholly the +woman was beyond his reach, and filled him with +despair. +<!--265.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[p. 266]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'What sum would do it?' he asked.</p> + +<p>"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Zara, composedly; +'the great sultan will give <i>four</i> thousand, and +if you offer <i>five</i>, my father will surely sell me to you.'</p> + +<p>"'Alas! what a curse is poverty!' exclaimed Garstoff, +smiting his forehead. 'I have only my pay, and +it would not amount to that sum in three years. What +shall I do?'</p> + +<p>"His sorrow evidently affected Zara, and for some +moments they remained silent. At length, her eyes +brightened, and she said in peremptory tones;</p> + +<p>"'You can bear me away to your own country.'</p> + +<p>"'That is true!' ejaculated the Russian, kissing +her willing hand in ecstasy. 'Then indeed have I not +suffered in vain. I will take you to a country where +the sovereign will smile upon you as my bride, and +you shall forget a land where women are sold like +dogs. Bless you for the suggestion, dear Zara, I +thought of it before; but dared not anticipate so much +happiness. When will you fly with me?'</p> + +<p>"'At this hour, two days hence, I will be in the +garden alone!' responded the girl, with a familiar +glance.</p> + +<p>"'It is enough!' said Garstoff. 'I will be here +with horses and arms, and morning shall behold you +in the camp of my countrymen. Till then, farewell.'</p> + +<p>"The lovers separated so hastily, because Nemyl +had commenced to move; Zara going with the mute +attendant to her apartment, and Garstoff departing +for his encampment. When both had disappeared, +Nemyl arose to his feet, while a dim, but grim smile, +<!--266.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[p. 267]</a></span> +played about his lips, and all signs of intoxication +vanished.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, ho!' he muttered, between his set teeth. +'The son of a dog would rob me of my daughter and +four thousand doblas. I will take good care to be +in the garden two days hence, and the son of Shitan +shall find what it is to rival the sublime sultan. They +thought me drunk with grape juice, but they shall suffer +for it. By Allah! they shall!' and he threw himself +upon a couch, where he soon fell asleep, to dream +of gold and vengeance.</p> + +<p>"The truce was within three days of its expiration +and Garstoff, overjoyed at the success of his impious +design, hastened to prepare for its execution. He procured +horses, assistants, and arms; and on the night +appointed proceeded towards the house of Nemyl. +When within a short distance of the garden, he dismounted +from his horse and leaving that together +with the others provided, in care of a few soldiers +who composed his guard, he drew his sword and +walked cautiously towards the place of rendezvous. +Climbing to the top of the wall, he paused for a moment +to survey the scene beneath; but all was still as +the grave, and he sprang into the garden. A few +fleecy clouds had hitherto obscured the moon; but +now she sailed beyond their shade, and by her silver +light the Russian discovered a figure dressed in white, +at a short distance in front of him.</p> + +<p>"'Zara,' he said, in low, distinct tones, going +toward it.</p> + +<p>"'Christian, I am here,' answered Zara (for she it +was,) and in another moment she was in his arms. +<!--267.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[p. 268]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'We must haste away,' said Garstoff, when the +first rapture of their meeting was over, and she hung +upon his arm.</p> + +<p>"'Yes! yes! I am afraid Nemyl has discovered us. +There have been strange men about the house to-day,' +replied Zara, looking timidly about her; for guilt is +ever suspicious, even in broad day.</p> + +<p>"Garstoff said no more, but quickly regained the +wall; and, drawing forth a rope-ladder from under his +coat threw it over the wall, so that it hung down on +either side, and having fastened it in the middle, descended +after Zara. Catching her in his arms, he +darted back; and, in a few seconds, was standing with +her upon the path.</p> + +<p>"'Whose steps are those?' she exclaimed, in terror, +as the sound of advancing footsteps fell upon her +ears.</p> + +<p>"'They are my soldiers, dearest,' answered her +lover, applying a whistle to his lips, and blowing +a shrill blast; although he was himself astonished +that they approached before the signal agreed upon +was given.</p> + +<p>"'Draw your sword, captain—we are surprised!' +shouted his followers, as they rode hastily up; and +almost before the annoyed Garstoff could clasp his +weapon, a troup of fierce Circassians surrounded him, +while another party attacked his soldiers with great +fury.</p> + +<p>"'Surrender, dog of a Christian!' shouted Nemyl, +in a voice of thunder.</p> + +<p>"'Not while I live!' answered the officer.</p> + +<p>"'Then disarm him, my men; but harm him not at +<!--268.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[p. 269]</a></span> +your peril!' said the Circassian; and, after a desperate +resistance, Garstoff was made a prisoner, Zara lay +fainting in the arms of two stout mountaineers, and +every Russian soldier bled to death.</p> + +<p>"'To the house with them!' said Nemyl, in his +usual tones, leading the way with an air of triumph.</p> + +<p>"Garstoff soon found himself in the apartment where +he had supped with the father of Zara, who now stood +before him as his captor.</p> + +<p>"'You have repaid my hospitality with a vengeance,' +said Nemyl.</p> + +<p>"'Beware how you abuse a Russian officer!' he answered, +proudly.</p> + +<p>"'Remember, Christian, the truce expires to-morrow, +and if I keep you a prisoner until then, you will be +treated as a prisoner of war.'</p> + +<p>"'I know it.'</p> + +<p>"'You are now completely in my power; and there +is but one feeling that withholds my sword from your +heart. Do you know what feeling that is?'</p> + +<p>"'Fear!'</p> + +<p>"'No, Christian devil! Nemyl knows no such word! +It is <i>gratitude</i> for the preservation of my life towards +my preserver. <i>You are free.</i> Depart in peace.'</p> + +<p>"'I honor the nobility of your sentiments,' answered +Garstoff, filled with admiration of such magnanimity; +'yet I would willingly yield my life to preserve Zara +from the fate you promise her.'</p> + +<p>"'Mention not her name. She deserves the bowstring, +instead of the Sultan's embraces,' said Nemyl, +sternly.</p> + +<p>"'Are you then so insensible to——' +<!--269.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[p. 270]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Will you give me five thousand doblas for her?'</p> + +<p>"'A hundred thousand, if I had them!'</p> + +<p>"'But you have them not?'</p> + +<p>"'Alas, no!'</p> + +<p>"'Then you cannot have Zara. Depart in peace.'</p> + +<p>"Garstoff looked frantically about him for a moment +and then rushed from the apartment like one demented.</p> + +<p>"'My friends,' continued Nemyl, turning to the +mountaineers, who stood behind him—'I wished you +to aid me in recovering a lost treasure, and you drew +your swords for me. My daughter is delivered from +the Christian robber, and six of his soldiers are sent +to Eblis. I gave the dog his life, because he saved +mine, when it was nearly forfeited; but we shall soon +meet in battle, and then let the Giaour beware! Depart +in peace, my friends.'</p> + +<p>"As I have before stated, Zara fell into a swoon, +immediately after the first appearance of her father, +on the evening of her attempted flight, and was carried +to her chamber, unconscious of how the affray +resulted. For two days, she was kept a prisoner in +her own apartment, seeing no one but the little mute. +At the end of that period, her father made his appearance, +while she slept, and rudely pulled her from the +couch on which she lay.</p> + +<p>"'Holy Prophet, have mercy!' she exclaimed, in +an agony of fear, imagining that he intended to slay +her.</p> + +<p>"'Dress, and prepare to depart!' thundered Nemyl. +'We must be on the road before day-break.'</p> + +<p>"Trembling like an aspen, Zara suffered the attendant +to array her, and then asked, with quivering lips +<!--270.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[p. 271]</a></span>—</p> + +<p>"'Where do you intend to take me!'</p> + +<p>"'<i>To the Sultan!</i>' exclaimed Nemyl; and, as she +sank upon her knees at his feet, he added, furiously, +'Base girl, you would have covered me with disgrace +by following a Christian dog; but Allah gave me +strength, and I slew the barbarian in his toils.'</p> + +<p>"In silence the girl rose to her feet, and signified +her readiness to depart by a low salaam.</p> + +<p>"At the street door stood the litter prepared for her +reception, and Nemyl pushing her into it, drew the +curtains, and gave the signal to the drivers, while he +mounted his horse and accompanied them. On arriving +at the city of the Sultan (which they did after +a tedious journey), Nemyl conveyed his daughter to +the grand bazaar; for, in fact, he never received an +offer from the Sultan, but spread the report that other +purchasers might present themselves, whose positions +would fail to gratify the desires of his inordinate ambition. +Not long had he remained there with the litter, +when the Kislar Aga of Soliman entered the bazaar, +and made directly towards him, with long strides.</p> + +<p>"'What animal have you in your litter that you +keep it closed like a cage?' asked the Aga.</p> + +<p>"'Your slave will show you that you may judge +of it for yourself,' answered Nemyl, and drawing the +curtains, disclosed Zara, with tears upon her cheeks.</p> + +<p>"The Aga started back in amazement at beholding +such a display of beauty, and all his anger vanished +like snow beneath a sunbeam. He well knew that the +addition of such an ornament to the Sultan's harem, +through his instrumentality, would add greatly to his +<!--271.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[p. 272]</a></span> +consequence; and his satisfaction was so evident, that +Nemyl beheld it with delight, and—profited by it.</p> + +<p>"'How much gold do you want for the girl?' asked +the Aga, endeavoring to appear indifferent.</p> + +<p>"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Nemyl, composedly.</p> + +<p>"'Five thousand doblas! <i>Bismillah!</i> dare you +laugh at our beards? That money would buy a dozen +women.'</p> + +<p>"'I was offered that by a Russian officer,' said the +Circassian, without moving his eyes.</p> + +<p>"For a moment the Aga hesitated, but the idea of +selecting a favorite speedily overcame all his scruples, +and bidding Nemyl follow him with the litter, he proceeded +to a private door of the imperial seraglio, and +gave Zara in charge of two female slaves.</p> + +<p>"Thus was the fairest flower of Franquistan placed +in the imperial garden, and he who had trained it was +soon on his way home, with five thousand doblas in his +pocket.</p> + +<p>"What pencil could portray the delight of his sublime +highness, or what tongue could repeat the language +of his immaculate lips, when he beheld his +Aga's new purchase.</p> + +<p>"'<i>Barek Allah!</i>' praise be to God; 'what an hour!' +he exclaimed, kissing her passionately.</p> + +<p>"'She is already a favorite,' said the Aga, and smiled.</p> + +<p>"'She will be a favorite,' said the queen's mother, +and frowned.</p> + +<p>"Zara wept, and would not be comforted during the +first few days of her residence at the seraglio; but +finally the kind words of his sublime highness conquered +<!--272.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[p. 273]</a></span> +her obstinacy, and throwing herself at his feet, +she made a full confession of her fondness for Garstoff, +and his vain attempt to carry her away by stratagem.</p> + +<p>"The Sultan was much afflicted by this news, for he +really loved Zara, and was aware, that, should her defection +become known, his honor would compel him to +plunge her lifeless body into the Bosphorus.</p> + +<p>"'My dear Zara,' he said, encircling her waist with +his arms, 'you have been frank with me, but beware +that you speak of this affair to no one else, or your life +will surely be sacrificed. This Garstoff is dead, and +can now be nothing to you; do not waste your affections +upon a skeleton; but let them revert to me, and +Soliman will become the slave of your will.'</p> + +<p>"In such a manner did the Refuge of Mankind talk +to the daughter of Nemyl, until she gradually drew +the veil of forgetfulness over past sorrows, and respected +his sublime highness, if she did not love him. +Taking the highest rank in the harem, no wish of hers +remained unanswered; masters of every art were furnished +as her instructors; subservient slaves were ever +ready to do her bidding, and costly presents of every +description rolled in upon the favorite, from those who +had—axes to grind.</p> + +<p>"Each day the Sultan became more deeply in love +with her, and in the same proportion, she became each +day more odious to those, whom, from old age, or +satiety, the magnificent Soliman had quitted for Zara. +Among the most violent enemies of the new favorite, +was the queen mother, who suborned the Kislar Aga +to her will, and through him, maintained a thorough +system of espionage upon every word and action of the +<!--273.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[p. 274]</a></span> +object of her hatred; but Zara rendered all her efforts +futile until one day while going abroad, she observed +a person dressed in the janissary uniform, whose form +appeared familiar; and what was her emotion, when +he turned his face toward her, and discovered the features +of <i>Garstoff</i>!"</p> + +<hr style='width: 15%;' /> + +<p>Here the English member interrupted the reader, +and says he:</p> + +<p>"Good gracious! I thought that fellow was dead."</p> + +<p>"No, sir," says the Turkish chap; "you should remember +that Nemyl spared his life."</p> + +<p>"I don't remember anything about it," says the +British chap, crustily; "but I suppose you told that +part of the story when I was asleep. Proceed."</p> + +<hr style='width: 15%;' /> + +<p>"The Kislar Aga, who stood behind her litter, +noted Zara's emotions and their apparent cause, and +when he returned to the palace, made his instigatress +acquainted with her rival's strange conduct. The +wily woman at once perceived that Zara was partially +in her power, and instructed her instrument to watch +the favorite closely, and gain further information. +Meanwhile, their intended victim suffered the pangs +of remorse, and old feelings awakened from their long +sleep, struggled fiercely with the usurping passions in +her bosom. +<!--274.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[p. 275]</a></span></p> + +<p>"The sight of the Russian, whom she believed to be +in his grave, made her frantic with sorrow, and she +resolved to speak with him, although by so doing, she +would risk discovery and an ignominious end.</p> + +<p>"To accomplish her purpose she called upon the +Aga, as he had always appeared devoted to her special +interests, and, describing the person of her lover, +asked him to carry a billet to Garstoff, and thus gain a +rich reward.</p> + +<p>"'Aga,' she said, with composure, 'you must find +this man, and ask him if his name is not Garstoff. +Should he start, and answer yes, give him this slip of +paper, and say no more.'</p> + +<p>"With many vows of fidelity, the Aga received the +billet, and carried it direct to—the queen mother.</p> + +<p>"The latter person did not hesitate to open it, and +read as follows:</p> + +<p>"'<span class="smcap">Garstoff</span>: I have seen you, and would speak +with you. Meet me near the mosque of Omar, to-morrow, +at the tenth hour.'</p> + +<p> +'<span class="smcap">Zara.</span>'<br /> +</p> + +<p>"'She is caught at last,' said the triumphant plotter; +'but we must let the affair run on, until the Sultan +may be convinced by his own eyes of her guilt.'</p> + +<p>"Accordingly, the slave departed in search of the +disguised Russian, whom he soon discovered from the +description given him by Zara.</p> + +<p>"'Is not your name Garstoff?' he asked.</p> + +<p>"'Great heavens!—yes, it is!' answered the janissary, +in great confusion. +<!--275.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[p. 276]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Then here is something for you,' said the Aga; +and, handing him the billet, turned upon his heel.</p> + +<p>"Great was the surprise of Garstoff when he read +the letter; but joy quickly overcame wonder, and he +hastened to procure a suitable disguise for the strange +meeting.</p> + +<p>"At the appointed hour he stood before the mosque, +and presently a muffled figure approached him, whom +his beating heart proclaimed to be the long lost object +of his adoration. It was indeed Zara, and, in +one moment, they were in each other's arms.</p> + +<p>"The Russian hastened to relate his adventures +since they last saw each other, and finished by +saying:</p> + +<p>"'I gave up my commission, dearest Zara, to seek +for you, and now that we once more behold each +other, let us never part again. This hated uniform I +assumed to facilitate my search; it shall be thrown +aside now and forever.'</p> + +<p>"Then Zara commenced her narrative, but was +quickly interrupted.</p> + +<p>"'Zara, tell me, for heaven's sake, have you listened +to the Sultan's words of love? Are you, are you—his—slave?' +gasped Garstoff, staggering against +the wall.</p> + +<p>"Zara looked to the ground.</p> + +<p>"'I see it all,' he continued, in frantic accents. +'Zara, you are lost! lost to me forever! I go to my +death. Zara, a last farewell!' He was about to leave +her, when she caught his arm, and hissed in his ear:</p> + +<p>"'Is this your love that you once boasted of?'</p> + +<p>"'Zara, let me go; I am almost mad.' +<!--276.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[p. 277]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'And I am <i>quite</i> mad. Listen to me, faithless +Christian. I beheld you in the streets when you saw +me not, and have risked honor, life, every thing, to +come to you, and be your slave. How could I help +what has passed? My father—'</p> + +<p>"'Zara, you should have <i>died</i> first.'</p> + +<p>"For a time she remained silent, with her head +bowed, and then said, in low tones:</p> + +<p>"'Christian, you are right; I should, indeed, have +preferred death to my present fate; but it is too late +now. I will return to my <i>master</i>; yet do I hope to +see you once again. Will you not grant me that +favor?'</p> + +<p>"'Once more,' answered Garstoff mechanically.</p> + +<p>"'Then come here to-morrow, and you will find a +large chest; place yourself in it, and two slaves +will bring you to me. Do you promise?'</p> + +<p>"'I do, Zara,' and, in deep sorrow, Garstoff turned +away.</p> + +<p>"'Base dog!' muttered Zara, as she again muffled +her features, 'you have rejected the daughter of +Nemyl, and she sleeps not while you press the earth.'</p> + +<p>"The favorite sped hastily back to the palace, and +entered by a secret door, while the Kislar Aga, who +had concealed himself near her at the mosque, and +witnessed the interview, hastened to the queen mother, +and made his report, when she exclaimed:</p> + +<p>"'Allah be praised! this Circassian will soon be +under the Bosphorus; for Zara will meet her gallant, +and his serene highness shall behold himself dishonored.'</p> + +<p>"Knowing the extreme affection entertained for +<!--277.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[p. 278]</a></span> +Zara by Soliman, the cautious woman was wary in +her communication, and did not reveal the whole +matter, until the Sultan's suspicions had been aroused +by her hints. He first ridiculed, then listened silently, +then believed; and, finally, agreed to conceal himself +in the Sultana's apartment, and judge for himself.</p> + +<p>"He waited until the moment of assignation approached, +and was looking upon the unconscious object +of his gaze with returning confidence, when a +curtain of the apartment was raised, and two negro +slaves entered, bearing a large chest between them.</p> + +<p>"Zara motioned for them to leave it and depart; +and then raising the lid, Garstoff stepped forth, and +the Sultan uttered an inward groan.</p> + +<p>"'Drink this, and it will give you strength,' said +Zara, presenting a goblet of liquor to the janissary.</p> + +<p>"Garstoff raised the cup to his lips, and drained it +at a draught; on which the fair Circassian burst into +a fit of hysterical laughter.</p> + +<p>"'Is this a moment for merriment?' asked Garstoff, +sternly.</p> + +<p>"'Wine makes me merry!' she answered, drinking +from another goblet. 'And now, Christian, do you +know what you came here for?'</p> + +<p>"'To see you for the last time.'</p> + +<p>"'That is true, follower of Isauri—<i>you go not hence +alive!</i>'</p> + +<p>"'What mean you, woman?' exclaimed Garstoff, +starting from his seat with pallid cheeks.</p> + +<p>"'<i>I mean that you have swallowed poison!</i>' screamed +Zara, the fire of insanity blazing from her eyes. +<!--278.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[p. 279]</a></span> +'You scorned the daughter of Nemyl, and she has +taken revenge! Pray to Isauri—pray to—'</p> + +<p>"Garstoff dropped upon the floor, a disfigured +corpse, and the Sultan bounded from his place of concealment +upon Zara; but the purple veins of her forehead +were swelling out like cords, and before he could +speak to her she was—<i>dead!</i>"</p> + +<hr style='width: 15%;' /> + +<p>"Really," says Vitchisvitch, the Russian member, +drawing a long breath, "there is too much of the +'blood and thunder' style about that story to suit me; +but here is something more quiet."</p> + +<p>And he proceeded, my boy, to make known unto us</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">THE LITTLE MAN IN GREEN.</p> + +<p>"On a clear, cold night in December, Nicholas +Dimitri, a young officer of Cossacks, was walking +slowly through a public street of St. Petersburg, with +a military cloak thrown over his shoulder, and looking +steadfastly to the ground, as though intent upon +some prospect of no ordinary interest. Acquaintances +of all ranks were constantly passing him, but their +silent salutes met no return, and many a surmise was +hazarded as to what his mission was, that it caused +such evident abstraction in one so generally admired +for his flow <i>d'esprit</i>. Unconscious of attracting attention, +Nicholas strode onwards wrapped in thought, +until he became aware of violent collision with some +<!--279.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[p. 280]</a></span> +person going in an opposite direction, and almost immediately +a hoarse voice exclaimed:</p> + +<p>"'What, in the name of all that's good, are you +about? Are not the walks wide enough for both of +us, that you must needs knock a man's breath out of his +body in this way? By the Admiral's wig! I've a +mind to return the compliment with my fists, you +lubber.'</p> + +<p>"The officer of Cossacks started involuntarily, as his +reverie was thus broken, and beheld standing before +him a very stout individual, rather below the ordinary +height in stature, with iron-grey hair, prominent features +much embrowned, and clad in a plain green uniform, +such as was worn by the privates in the army. +The little man stood directly in his path, with an expression +of good natured defiance resting upon his +countenance, and flourishing a short cane in his right +hand.</p> + +<p>"'I beg your pardon, sir,' said Nicholas, somewhat +provoked, 'but I was hardly conscious of being in the +street at all. Allow me to pass, sir, I am in haste.' +He attempted to get by the little gentleman, but that +person had no idea of allowing such a move, and in +the coolest possible manner linked his arm with that +of the impatient officer.</p> + +<p>"'It's my watch now,' he said, with a short laugh, +'and as you don't bunk in just yet, we may as well +be company for each other. I ain't particular about +which way you go, so up with your irons and we'll +scud.'</p> + +<p>"'I can permit no such familiarities,' replied Nicholas, +angrily, attempting to release his arm. 'Are +<!--280.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[p. 281]</a></span> +you intoxicated, that you do not perceive I am an officer? +Let go my arm, sir, or I will call the patrol, +and place you under guard.'</p> + +<p>"Notwithstanding this threat, the little man still +hung on, and walked boldly beside him with great +good humor.</p> + +<p>"'Ha! ha! you think I belong to the army, Mr. +Officer,' he observed, with much jocularity. 'I know +rather more about the sea, and never tip my cap to +anything less than a frigate captain. But never mind +that. This street should be better lighted, and yet if +it had been, I should never have known you—don't +you think so? Now really don't you think the Emperor +or Czar should pay more attention to lighting +the streets? I should think the people would grumble +about it—don't they?'</p> + +<p>"Seeing that his new acquaintance was determined +to walk beside him, the officer had resolved to let him +talk without venturing a reply, but this slur upon the +Czar wounded his pride, and he answered impatiently,</p> + +<p>"'You cannot be a Russian, sir, or you would not +dare speak thus disrespectfully of the greatest, noblest, +and best living sovereign. Why should we need more +light, sirrah, when the moon is shining brightly? Let +me warn you not to speak this way before others, or +you may receive rough treatment. Every Muscovite +honors and loves the Czar as a father, and a slighter +cause than that just given by you has cost many a foreigner +his life in St. Petersburg.'</p> + +<p>"As the young man spoke, he seemed to forget his +<!--281.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[p. 282]</a></span> +companion, and yielded his whole soul to the enthusiasm +of loyalty.</p> + +<p>"'I like you,' said the little man, heartily.</p> + +<p>"'Indeed!'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, and will help you.'</p> + +<p>"'Help me?' asked Nicholas, stopping suddenly in +his walk, eyeing his companion with mingled astonishment +and suspicion.</p> + +<p>"'I said so. Is there anything extraordinary in +that!'</p> + +<p>"'Who are you?' demanded the officer, sternly.</p> + +<p>"'No matter about that. I am your friend.'</p> + +<p>"'How do I know that?' asked Nicholas, still more +astonished.</p> + +<p>"'I will prove it. You are in love!'</p> + +<p>"'Most men are at some periods of their lives.'</p> + +<p>"'Very true, but <i>you</i> are in love <i>now</i>, and the lady +of your affection is far above you in station.'</p> + +<p>"'How in heaven's name do you know this? Who +are you?' exclaimed the officer, completely thrown off +his guard, and staring wildly at his odd companion.</p> + +<p>"'It matters not how I know, or who I am. Let it +suffice to say that I <i>do</i> know, and can aid you,' said +the little man, with a more dignified air than he had +before assumed. 'Restrain your feelings, and merely +answer yes or no, to what I am about to say. You are +loved by the lady?'</p> + +<p>"'I believe—or, rather, trust so.'</p> + +<p>"'She is the Countess Walewski?'</p> + +<p>"'No.'</p> + +<p>"'Her ward Olinska?' +<!--282.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[p. 283]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'I shall answer no more questions,' said Nicholas, +compressing his lips.</p> + +<p>"'Then, Mr. Officer, I will ask no more questions, +but confine myself strictly to statements. You love +Olinska, and have a rival in Admiral Praxin, who is +favored by the Czar. So strong are your rival's +claims that you have no resource save a clandestine +marriage. You are now on your way to the hotel of +the Countess, intending to perfect your plans with her +aid, and baffle the Czar in his designs for the advantage +of Admiral Praxin. Don't say a word to me +now, you will receive a message before long. Good +night, Nicholas Dimitri.'</p> + +<p>"The little man nodded his head most knowingly, +and fairly ran off, leaving the astounded lover looking +at the moon.</p> + +<p>"Nicholas remained perfectly still for some moments, +looking vacantly upward, and then went on his +way, like one who had just awakened from a strange +dream.</p> + +<p>"'What can this mean?' he asked himself. 'This +man, whom I never saw before, has told me of things +which no mortal save myself should know, and he is +even acquainted with my name. This matter must be +quickly settled, or I shall be placed under arrest, with +no hope for the future.'</p> + +<p>"Arriving presently at the door of an aristocratic +mansion, he sent up his card, and was speedily ushered +into an elegant boudoir, where a beautiful and richly-dressed +lady was waiting to receive him. The Countess +Walewski was not a young woman, yet the bloom of +earlier years still lingered on her cheek, and the +<!--283.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[p. 284]</a></span> +sprightly vivacity of girlhood shot forth from her dark +brown eyes.</p> + +<p>"'My dear Nicholas, you are behind time,' she said, +giving her hand to the young officer, and causing +him to take a seat beside her on a velvet couch. 'Lovers +are not often tardy in keeping their appointments, +but as I am not the lady, I must excuse you. Upon +my word—I did not observe it before—you look discontented. +Nothing has happened, I hope?'</p> + +<p>"'Dearest lady, we are betrayed!' answered Nicholas, +gloomily.</p> + +<p>"'You are jesting.'</p> + +<p>"'Would to God, I were! A strange man encountered +me in the street as I came hither—' and Nicholas +gave a full account of his interview with the little +man in green.</p> + +<p>"The Countess appeared much alarmed by the narration, +and, for some moments after its conclusion, remained +silent, but at length she recovered sufficient +courage to reply,</p> + +<p>"'This is strange indeed—and yet, Nicholas, this +man may be a member of the police, who, as you know, +make themselves masters of our very thoughts. You +say he expressed a desire to assist you, and declared +himself your friend; he may have some object in this +we know not of—'</p> + +<p>"'No living man shall rob me of my prize,' interrupted +Nicholas, passionately. 'Olinska will be guided +by me, and before morning we will be far from the +capital. There is no time to lose; we must hasten towards +Moscow this very night. Where is she? Why +is she not here to meet me?' +<!--284.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[p. 285]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Restrain your passion; be prudent, I entreat you,' +exclaimed the Countess, grasping his wrists. 'Olinska +loves you, and you alone; but I am her guardian, and +she submits to my wishes, as duty bids her. Be yourself, +Nicholas, and avoid any rash action. You cannot +see Olinska to-night.'</p> + +<p>"'Has your ladyship combined with my enemies to +make a madman of me?' asked the officer, with great +bitterness.</p> + +<p>"'Have my actions been those of an enemy?' responded +the Countess, with a reproachful smile. 'My +dear Nicholas, I would have spared you a pang, but +you compel me to tell all. My ward is to have an interview +with Admiral Praxin to-morrow, by order of +the Czar.'</p> + +<p>"'With Admiral Praxin!' exclaimed Nicholas, starting +to his feet.</p> + +<p>"'Such is the truth. I do not believe that Peter +will compel Olinska; but his command was imperative, +and must be obeyed at all risks. Do not fear for +Olinska—she is wholly yours, though a king should ask +her hand. The Admiral can only sue to be rejected, +and after that you must fly.'</p> + +<p>"'Lady, I submit to your wishes,' said Nicholas. +'I honor the Czar, as all Russians should honor him, +but Olinska shall be mine, though he should send a +dozen admirals to thwart me.'</p> + +<p>"After some further consultation of a desultory character, +the officer of Cossacks took his leave, and retired +to a bed rendered sleepless by doubts and fears.</p> + +<p>"On the following morning, before he had completed +his toilet, a servant entered the apartment to +<!--285.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[p. 286]</a></span> +announce a visitor, followed by a little creature, not +more than three feet in height, dressed in a livery of +blue and silver.</p> + +<p>"'This gentleman desired to speak with you, sir, immediately,' +said the grinning servant, pointing to the +new comer, and bowing himself out of the room.</p> + +<p>"The minute specimen of humanity said not a word, +but assumed an air of great consequence, and with +much ceremony presented a letter. Nicholas could +not repress a smile at the messenger's grotesque appearance, +but his mirth sobered into surprise when he +read as follows:</p> + +<p>"'<span class="smcap">Nicholas Dimitri</span>: The bearer of this missive is +my servant, who will be of great service to both you +and myself, in events about to transpire. Answer his +questions without hesitation, and rest assured that +Olinska shall be yours, despite the Czar and Admiral +Praxin, or I am much mistaken. I will be present at +the wedding. Your friend,</p> + +<p> +"'<span class="smcap">The Little Man in Green.</span>'<br /> +</p> + +<p>"The young officer dropped the note from his hand, +and eyed the dwarf in silent amazement.</p> + +<p>"'Is that your death warrant?' asked the latter, +ironically.</p> + +<p>"'Who wrote this?' demanded Nicholas.</p> + +<p>"'My master.'</p> + +<p>"'And who is your master?'</p> + +<p>"'The Little Man in Green. Ha! ha!' laughed the +dwarf. +<!--286.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[p. 287]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'His name? I must know his name!' exclaimed +Nicholas.</p> + +<p>"The abbreviated Mercury placed a finger beside +his little nose, in a very knowing manner, at the same +time winking sagaciously.</p> + +<p>"'I can answer no such question,' he said; 'my +master desires to remain <i>incog.</i> at present. My name +is Orloff, and I wish you to answer one inquiry: Does +the ward of the Countess Walewski have an interview +with Admiral Praxin to-day?'</p> + +<p>"'She does.'</p> + +<p>"'That is sufficient; you will hear from me soon,' +and Orloff fled through the open door, with a speed +truly marvelous.</p> + +<p>"Nicholas called after him in vain, and then called +his servant to dress him, with a vague apprehension of +evil, and a belief that no lover ever had so many to +assist his wooing as himself.</p> + +<div class="center"><pre> * * * * *</pre></div> + +<p>"Olinska, the daughter of a noble Polish family, +was deprived of her parents at an early age, and selected +for her guardian the high-minded Countess +Walewski. Her childish years were spent in Warsaw, +the city of her forefathers; but the Countess was +obliged to remain at St. Petersburg, being a member +of the Czarina's household, and thither she called her +ward, to be presented at court, and drown the memory +of her sorrows in the gaieties of the capital.</p> + +<p>"Young, beautiful and unsophisticated, chaperoned +by an illustrious lady, and reputed to be heiress of +<!--287.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[p. 288]</a></span> +great wealth, the Polish maiden speedily became the +magnet and toast of a brilliant circle, and a prize for +which scores of young nobles contended. But the +heart of Olinska was not to be purchased with titles, +and while the scions of aristocracy knelt vainly at her +feet, she bestowed her virgin affections upon Dimitri, +whose silent homage defeated that of all others, with +its proud, peculiar dignity. Military rank is esteemed +by the Russians as little inferior to that of inheritance; +yet they acknowledge a difference, and the line drawn +between them by the usages of society cannot be overstepped +with impunity. The young officer, although +admitted into court circles, was aware of the distance +between himself and the lady in a social sense; but +the encouragement she gave him, so insensibly drew +them together, that disparity of birth was forgotten, +and love—the great leveller of conditions—reigned +paramount.</p> + +<p>"However misanthropically a man may express his +indifference to the world's opinion, we are all, more or +less, its most subservient slaves, and although Nicholas +Dimitri assured his idol that the gossip of fashionables +was nothing to him, he deemed it proper to solicit the +kind offices of the Countess, as a go-between; and apparently +visited the guardian, when, in reality, the fair +ward was the object of his intentions.</p> + +<p>"Peter the Great, who, at that period, occupied the +throne of Russia, had an unpleasant habit of rewarding +his bachelor friends for worthy deeds, with the +hand of some fair maiden of his court; and, having beheld +the Polish lady, he resolved to bestow her upon +Admiral Praxin, who, though often regarded with suspicion +<!--288.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[p. 289]</a></span> +by his sovereign, had lately rendered 'the state +good service.' Olinska repulsed the old sailor's advances +with disdain; but the Czar requested her to +grant him a private interview, and a request from such +a source being synonymous with a command, the lady +felt obliged to grant it.</p> + +<p>"Alone she sat, in a gorgeously furnished apartment, +when the Admiral was announced, her sable +locks shading a neck and bosom that rivalled the snow +in their whiteness, and supporting her head with a +hand of nature's choicest modeling.</p> + +<p>"Admiral Praxin was a man in the 'sere and yellow +leaf' of meridian life. His form was firm and upright, +and his costume was that of a youthful courtier; +but deep wrinkles tracked his brow with the footprints +of age, and his hair had caught the snow-flakes +of the mountain's farther side. That foretaste of eternal +torments, the gout, had rather confused the measure +of his tread, and the stout old Admiral entered the +lady's presence with an ungraceful limp.</p> + +<p>"As he passed into the room, a little figure clad in +blue and silver, followed him noiselessly and, with +wonderful agility, darted behind a curtain of the window.</p> + +<p>"Olinska received her admirer with some embarrassment, +which he seemed at first to reciprocate; but +at length, after many leers and grimaces, his countenance +assumed a determined expression, and he went +directly to the point.</p> + +<p>"'Madam,' he said, 'you can scarcely be ignorant +of the object for which I now visit you; nor can you +feel more deeply than I the extremely unpleasant position +<!--289.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[p. 290]</a></span> +in which we are both placed, by the desire of +Peter. Aside from the duty I owe my sovereign of +submitting entirely to his will, I have a sentiment in +my heart, which, should it find a reflection in yours, +will make me the happiest of men. My title and fortune +are trifles; but the sentiment of love for yourself, united +to that of loyal obedience, may, perhaps, be deemed +by you as more powerful suitors for your hand and +heart.'</p> + +<p>"'It were foolish in me to pretend to misunderstand +you, my lord,' replied Olinska, with dignity. 'I am +aware that the Czar favors your suit, and looks upon +me as a fitting bride for one whom he delights to honor; +but, greatly as I honor and respect both my sovereign +and yourself, I must positively refuse obedience in this +instance, and assume the right to act for myself. I am +deeply grateful to you, my lord, for your intended +kindness, but must, with all due respect, reject your +offer, and close our interview.'</p> + +<p>"As she spoke, her bosom heaved with emotions +boiling within, her eye flashed, and the right of woman +to maintain her prerogative shone from every feature.</p> + +<p>"'Consider well, lady, before you drive me to despair +by such cruelty!' exclaimed the Admiral, with +vehemence. 'Consider what you are casting aside as +worthless. I have influence at court beyond that of +the most powerful; the very Czar fears to offend me, +and the wife of Admiral Praxin will be second only to +the imperial Catherine in grandeur and dominion. Let +me hope that this is only maiden coyness, and that deliberation +may alter your decision.'</p> + +<p>"'I will not deceive you, my lord,' responded the +<!--290.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[p. 291]</a></span> +lady, 'by awaking hopes which can never be realized. +My hand shall never be yielded to any man by compulsion, +or implied claims which I do not acknowledge; +nor do I recognize any other right than my own +to dispose of it. Dwell upon the subject no longer, or +your title to the name of friend will be forfeited. Allow +me to retire.'</p> + +<p>"Dismay was betrayed in every lineament of the +sailor's countenance, as he marked the firm tones in +which these words were spoken; but anger quickly +took its place as he asked, with a glance of suspicion,</p> + +<p>"'Lady, have I a rival?'</p> + +<p>"Olinska answered not, and arose to leave the apartment, +when Praxin quickly intercepted her, and fell +upon his knees.</p> + +<p>"'Olinska, you shall not leave me thus!' he exclaimed, +in tones hoarse with excitement. 'If love +will not incline you to accept me, let ambition do it. +<i>I have the power to place you on the throne of Russia</i>, +if you but say the word; your own countrymen, the +refugees from Sweden, and twenty thousand discontented +serfs will rise at my bidding; the navy is mine, +and, by a wave of the hand, I can become an Emperor.'</p> + +<p>"With a look of the most unmitigated disdain, the +lady regarded the supplicant at her feet.</p> + +<p>"'I will not parley longer with a <i>traitor</i>,' she said, +in tones so cold and piercing that he involuntarily recoiled +from her, and she walked from the apartment +with a queenly air.</p> + +<p>"'I'll be revenged for this,' muttered the discarded +suitor, as, with a frowning brow, he took his departure. +<!--291.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[p. 292]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Then forth sprang Orloff from his place of concealment, +with a smile of no ordinary magnitude distorting +his little face.</p> + +<p>"'Good! and now for the Countess!' he exclaimed, +following the Admiral.</p> + +<p>"Meanwhile, Nicholas had wandered about the city +in a most pitiable state of apprehension, and was about +to rush madly to the hotel of the Countess, when he +beheld the dwarf hastening toward him, carrying a +letter at arm's length.</p> + +<p>"'Here—from the Countess,' ejaculated Orloff, +panting for breath, and handing him the missive. +Nicholas hastily tore it open, and read:</p> + +<p>"'<span class="smcap">Dear Nicholas</span>:—Olinska has had an interview +with the Admiral, and, from its results, I fear the +worst. Have a chaise and four, at the private door of +my hotel before sunset to-day. You may trust Orloff.</p> + +<p> +"'In haste, <span class="smcap">Walewski</span>.'<br /> +</p> + +<p>"'Shall I engage the conveyance?' asked the dwarf, +with a grin.</p> + +<p>"'Yes! I will trust you,' replied the excited officer.</p> + +<p>"'You will find all in readiness, at the private door, +by four o'clock!' said Orloff, and he disappeared as +quickly as he came.</p> + +<p>"At the appointed hour, Nicholas repaired to the +spot where a chaise and its attendants were awaiting +him, and right speedily a muffled figure emerged from +the private door, and touched his arm.</p> + +<p>"'Olinska, dearest Olinska.' +<!--292.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[p. 293]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Let us hasten, Nicholas, I fear we are betrayed,' +answered Olinska, trembling in his arms.</p> + +<p>"The officer quickly placed her in the chaise, and the +horses had made their first spring forward when a great +tumult arose in the street, and looking forth from a +window of the vehicle, Nicholas beheld, to his dismay, +half a score of imperial cavalry galloping furiously toward +him.</p> + +<p>"'Onward! onward!' he shouted to the drivers, +and sank back upon his seat beside the fainting girl.</p> + +<p>"At the top of their speed fled the four chaise horses, +making the vehicle bounce from the earth as +though it were composed entirely of springs; but they +were no match for the full-blooded animals of the cavalry, +and the latter soon came up with them.</p> + +<p>"'Stop, in the name of the Czar,' said the leader, +drawing his sword.</p> + +<p>"At the command, the postillions dropped their +reins, and the chaise came to a dead halt. Then the +door was burst open; and Nicholas, with a pistol in +each hand, sprang into the road.</p> + +<p>"'Gentlemen,' he said hurriedly, 'you must allow +me to proceed; the die is cast, and there is no turning +back. Stand aside, sirs, I do not wish to shed your +blood.'</p> + +<p>"'Colonel Dimitri,' answered the leader, 'we are +sorry that such is our duty, but the Czar has ordered +us to apprehend you and your companion; and carry +you before him; I therefore apprehend you in the +name of Czar.'</p> + +<p>"'This is tyranny and I will resist it to the last,' +exclaimed the excited lover. 'I have not broken the +<!--293.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[p. 294]</a></span> +laws, and am no political criminal. Why should I be +treated thus? You may take me gentlemen, but not +alive.'</p> + +<p>"'We must do our duty,' answered the other. 'Surround +and disarm him,' he added, turning to his followers.</p> + +<p>"The soldiers approached to obey his orders, and +the desperate colonel had levelled his weapons, when +Olinska, sprang from the chaise and knelt upon the +ground before him.</p> + +<p>"'Submit, Nicholas; for my sake submit,' she exclaimed, +energetically, clasping her hands towards +him.</p> + +<p>"Nicholas regarded her attentively for a moment, +and then lowered his weapons.</p> + +<p>"'I am your prisoner,' he said; 'take me where you +will.'</p> + +<p>"The captured pair, were returned to the vehicle, +the horses' heads were turned, and in silence they proceeded +to the palace of the Czar.</p> + +<p>"The imperial mansion was very different in those +days from what it now is. No gaudy trappings, neither +external nor internal, proclaimed the abode of royalty; +for Peter the Great appealed to hearts, not the +eyes of his subjects, and for the inspection of foreigners +he had an army, unrivaled in discipline and accoutrements, +by any in Europe. A small ante-chamber, +plainly furnished, and adorned with various models of +ships, paintings, and rude implements of warfare led +into the hall of audience, equally unostentatious, +and the imperial dining saloon, plain as that of an ordinary +tradesman. +<!--294.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[p. 295]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Into the latter apartment, Nicholas and Olinska +were led by their captors, pale and silent, but undismayed.</p> + +<p>"A long table, bearing on its centre an immense +pie, was loaded with a rich repast; and about it, were +seated the most distinguished nobles and generals of +the empire, and Admiral Praxin; while at its head, on +elevated seats, appeared the Czar and Czarina.</p> + +<p>"'Ha! here are the two fugitives!' exclaimed Peter, +observing the entrance of the party and approaching +them.</p> + +<p>"Nicholas started at the sound of that voice, and +looking up, recognized in his sovereign, <i>The Little +Man in Green</i>.</p> + +<p>"'Your pardon, sire!' he exclaimed falling upon his +knees, and remembering with the great trepidation +how scurvily he had treated royalty in disguise.</p> + +<p>"'Arise, Colonel Dimitri,' said the Czar kindly; +'you need not think of what has past; I am satisfied +that you are a true and loyal subject. But what possessed +you to run away with this little rebel, man? Did +you not know that she was affianced to Admiral Praxin?'</p> + +<p>"'Pardon me sire, I did not,' answered Nicholas.</p> + +<p>"'And you Olinska; you have disregarded our +wishes, and thrown the gallant admiral overboard?' continued +Peter, addressing the trembling girl, with a +mixture of severity and good-nature.</p> + +<p>"Olinska bowed her head.</p> + +<p>"'What say you Praxin? Are you willing to yield +your bride to the army, and let the navy remain a +bachelor?'</p> + +<p>"The Admiral had turned all colors, at the first entrance +<!--295.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[p. 296]</a></span> +of Olinska, but marking that she remained silent, +he plucked up sufficient courage to reply.</p> + +<p>"'I cannot accept the lady's hand without her +heart.'</p> + +<p>"'Did you sue for them like a man?' demanded +Peter, sternly.</p> + +<p>"'I hope so, your majesty.'</p> + +<p>"'You lie, base traitor!' thundered the Czar, eyeing +him with a glance that chilled his blood.</p> + +<p>"'Has <i>she</i> betrayed me?' ejaculated Praxin, turning +deadly pale, and involuntarily clutching the handle +of his sword.</p> + +<p>"'No,' answered Peter in hoarse tones, 'witness, +come forth.'</p> + +<p>"At that moment, the upper covering of the great +pie was observed to move, and in another instant, it +was thrown back, discovering the mighty Orloff, +seated within the dish.</p> + +<p>"'God save the Czar!' said the dwarf, rising and +stepping forth upon the table, with a bow of studied +politeness.</p> + +<p>"'Orloff, point out the traitor,' said Peter.</p> + +<p>"Orloff assumed an air of great penetration, and +pointed toward the Admiral, who stood alone, with +his back against the wall, a perfect picture of despairing +guilt.</p> + +<p>"'That is the man,' said the dwarf.</p> + +<p>"'Give your proof.'</p> + +<p>"'Your majesty must know, that I was present while +Admiral Praxin was wooing the lady Olinska, and +heard him say that your majesty dared not offend him; +he also declared that she had but to say the word, and +<!--296.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[p. 297]</a></span> +he would make her an Empress, explaining how he had +the Poles, the Serfs, the Swedish refugees, and the navy +at his command, ready at his bidding to make him +Emperor of Russia.'</p> + +<p>"'What say you to this charge?' demanded Peter.</p> + +<p>"Praxin had regained somewhat of composure during +the dwarf's speech; and at its conclusion he approached +the Czar and falling upon his knees, surrendered +his sword and belt.</p> + +<p>"'I am guilty,' he said, in firm tones. 'Take my +sword, gracious sovereign, and with it receive back the +commission I have forever disgraced. In a moment +of ungovernable passion I spoke words which should +have choked me ere I uttered them, and which I +would give my life to recall. I desire no mercy; yet +I would ask forgiveness of Olinska, for daring to +breathe treason in her presence.'</p> + +<p>"'Let us both forget it,' said Olinska, gently.</p> + +<p>"'Alas <i>I</i> can never forget it,' he replied, pressing +her hands to his lips, and resuming his former attitude.</p> + +<p>"The Czar gazed some moments attentively and +silently upon the face of Praxin, as though to read his +inmost soul, and then turning to Nicholas, he said:</p> + +<p>"'Colonel Dimitri, it is but just that I should +explain my conduct to you and Olinska, as it was by +making an unconscious tool of you that I have ferreted +this matter out. I intended that Olinska should +have wedded the Admiral, not knowing that her affections +had been given to another; but lately I have +distrusted him and ordered a spy of the police to +watch him closely. My agent speedily brought me +<!--297.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[p. 298]</a></span> +news of <i>your</i> engagement, and your intended course; +and I resolved to throw myself in your way, and +gain a slight knowledge of your character. You know +how I succeeded in that attempt. I also requested +Olinska to receive the Admiral privately, and sent +Orloff to be present—though concealed—at the interview. +The Countess Walewski was made acquainted +with my plans, by the dwarf, and hence your presence +here. As a punishment for an attempt to outwit +me, I command that you be married before you +leave the palace. As for you, Admiral,' he continued, +turning to Praxin, 'in consideration of the many services +you have rendered us, I grant you a free pardon. +You have been humiliated in the eyes of your +friends, and have failed to win a prize worthy of my +best subject. May you learn the lesson that passion +will not always excuse dangerous words, nor is a sovereign's +leniency everlasting.'</p> + +<p>"Universal rejoicings followed this generous speech, +and the victims of the royal whim retired from the +imperial palace, married—for better or worse."</p> + +<p>This Russian tale sent us all home very thirsty, my +boy; for its effect was very dry.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, weariedly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--298.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[p. 299]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXIV" id="LETTER_LXXIV"></a>LETTER LXXIV.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, +THE CHAPLAIN'S POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE +HEAD, AND THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION +BY THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 12th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>The Southern Confederacy having delayed to sue +for peace, my boy, until the safety of Washington requires +that national strategy should continue metaphysical +hostilities, it may be as well for you and me as a +nation to prepare for a speedy commencement of War +in earnest. The North, my boy, has not begun to +fight yet; and as the stolid centuries roll on, and the +hoary years move one by one into the sunless solitude +of Eternity, it becomes daily more evident that the +North's actual putting forth of all its strength is +merely a question of time. The giant is only just +rousing from his slumbers, and nothing but his legs +and feet appear to be thoroughly awake yet.</p> + +<p>Now, is the time, my boy, for the idiotic Confederacy +to save himself, by returning penitently to that +beneficent Government which would have realized +the millenium at half-past two o'clock on the Fourth +of July, 1776, but for the unseemly villainy of the +<!--299.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[p. 300]</a></span> +accursed Black Republicans, many of whom are +shortly to be hung.</p> + +<p>That is to say, such is the opinion of the Venerable +Gammon, whose benignant presence is believed to +have proved the salvation of our distracted country in +the Revolutionary War, though I can find nothing, +except his protecting patriarchal deportment toward +all the present universe, to justify the idea that he +ever benefited anything. It soothes the human soul, +my boy, to hear this Venerable man discoursing on +the most trite subjects in tones, and with an air calculated +to bless all created things as with a paternal benediction. +Surrounded by a number of his idolatrous +national children, and standing in front of Willard's +the other evening, he pointed fatly to a bright star +overhead, and says he:</p> + +<p>"That star is like our country. That star," says +the Venerable Gammon, with a meaningless smile of angelic +purity, "is like any other star on our flag; +<i>though clouds may hide it in its ascending node, it is +still knowed to be ascending</i>."</p> + +<p>Then everybody felt cheered with the peaceful conviction +that Columbia was saved at last; and it's my +private belief, my boy—my private belief, that the attached +populace looked upon this good old man as the +one who had made the star.</p> + +<p>Yet, strange as it may seem, this venerable Benefactor +made a little mistake on Tuesday. A sportive +young chap came to him with a newspaper in his hand, +and says he: "Let me see if you can tell, my <i>Pater +Patria</i>, what paper this article is in"—and proceeded +to read the following high-minded editorial: +<!--300.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[p. 301]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="gentitle">"TREASON OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS.</p> + +<p>"True to their foul instincts, the Greely, Cheever, +and Wendell Phillips herd of treasonable fanatics are +now accusing their 'Honest Old Abe' of ruining the +country. It was their votes that elected the rail-splitter, +and now they turn tail upon him and howl maledictions +because he will not carry out their fiendish +intents by erecting a revolutionary guillotine in every +Northern town and city. That blasphemous mountebank, +Beecher, may as well cease his treasonable impiety +at once; for he and his Sharps'-rifle crew are +responsible for the present bankruptcy of the whole +country, and the people will yet hold them to strict account +for every drop of blood that has been and will +be shed in this unnatural strife."</p> + +<p>When sportive chap ceased reading, the Venerable +Gammon waved his obese hand with the fond, familiar +air of a pleased benignity, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Of course, I know what paper that is, my son. I +know the ring of those sterling conservative sentiments," +says the Venerable Gammon, with calm satisfaction, +"and am blessed in the knowledge that our +loyal New York Herald is still true to the Constitution +and to the principles of my old friend, Georgey Washington—or +'old Wash,' as he permitted me to call +him."</p> + +<p>The sportive chap softly picked his teeth with a wisp +from a broom, and says he: "But this ain't the Herald +<!--301.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[p. 302]</a></span> +at all, you dear old soul; it's a copy of the Richmond +Whig!" It was at this very moment, my boy, that +the Venerable Gammon was first attacked by that +dreadful cough which put an end to all further conversation, +and has since excited the most fearful +apprehensions lest a bereaved country should suddenly +be called to mourn the untimely loss of its benign +idol.</p> + +<p>On Tuesday afternoon, I had a talk with the Mackerel +chaplain, who had remained here over Sunday to +administer consolation to a dying brigadier, and was +grievously wounded in spirit to find that the telegraph +had committed a trifling breach of spelling, and that +that brigadier was only dyeing his hair, which had +suddenly turned white in a single night on the strength +of a rumor that there might be some fighting in the +morning.</p> + +<p>The Mackerel chaplain, my boy, is of inestimable +value to a wounded man, his vivid and spiritual manner +of describing the celebrated Fire Department of +the other world being a source of unspeakable comfort +and reassurance to the sufferer. "I am afraid you +have led a sinful life, my fellow-worm," says he to the +sick Mackerel, "and can only advise you to buy one +of these hymn-books from me, which I can afford to +sell for six shillings."</p> + +<p>But what the chaplain talked to me about, was his +discovery, at a village not far from Winchester, of a +new +<!--302.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[p. 303]</a></span></p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 6em">"PICCIOLA."</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It was a Sergeant old and gray,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Well singed and bronzed from siege and pillage,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Went tramping in an army's wake,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Along the turnpike of the village.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">For days and nights the winding host<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Had through the little place been marching,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And ever loud the rustics cheered,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Till ev'ry throat was hoarse and parching.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The Squire and Farmer, maid and dame,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All took the sight's electric stirring,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And hats were waved and staves were sung,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And kerchiefs white were countless whirring.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They only saw a gallant show<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of heroes stalwart under banners,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And in the fierce heroic glow,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Twas theirs to yield but wild hosannahs<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The Sergeant heard the shrill hurrahs,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Where he behind in step was keeping;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But glancing down beside the road<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He saw a little maid sit weeping.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"And how is this?" he gruffly said,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A moment pausing to regard her;—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Why weepest thou, my little chit?"—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And then she only cried the harder.<br /></span> +<!--303.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[p. 304]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"And how is this, my little chit?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The sturdy trooper straight repeated,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"When all the village cheers us on,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That you, in tears, apart are seated?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"We march two hundred thousand strong!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And that's a sight, my baby beauty,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To quicken silence into song<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And glorify the soldier's duty."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"It's very, very grand, I know,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The little maid gave soft replying;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"And Father, Mother, Brother too,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All say 'Hurrah' while I am crying;<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"But think—O Mr. Soldier, think,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">How many little sisters' brothers<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Are going all away to fight<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And may be <i>killed</i>, as well as others!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Why bless thee, child," the Sergeant said,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His brawny hands her curls caressing,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"'Tis left for little ones like you<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To find that War's not all a blessing."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And "Bless thee!" once again he cried;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then cleared his throat and looked indignant,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And marched away with wrinkled brow<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To stop the struggling tear benignant.<br /></span> +<!--304.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[p. 305]</a></span></div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And still the ringing shouts went up<br /></span> +<span class="i2">From doorway, thatch, and fields of tillage;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The pall behind the standard seen<br /></span> +<span class="i2">By one alone, of all the village.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The oak and cedar bend and writhe<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When roars the wind through gap and braken;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But 'tis the tenderest reed of all<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That trembles first when Earth is shaken.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>It is with infinite satisfaction, my boy, that I record +the recognition of Commodore Head's priceless services +on Duck Lake by the Secretary of the Navy. Our +grim old son of Neptune is created Rear-Admiral, with +the privilege of snubbing gunboat captains, receiving +serenades, attending launches, and lavishing untold +scorn upon the feeble imitations of affrighted Europe.</p> + +<p>Hence, there would appear to be an imperative demand +in current literature for an authoritative</p> + + +<p class="center">SKETCH OF COMMODORE HEAD.</p> + +<p>This venerable ornament of our peerless naval service, +to whom the eyes of the whole world are now directed, +was born of one of his parents at an early period +of his existence, and has since incurred the years +temporarily elapsing between that epoch and the present +auspicious occasion. The subject of our brief biography +entered the navy when he was only fifty years +<!--305.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[p. 306]</a></span> +old, as commander of the Mackerel iron-plated squadron +on Duck Lake, where he became widely noted for +success in fishing, as well as for his skill in eluding vessels +running the blockade. At one time, indeed, he came +very near capturing a Confederate ram, being only +prevented by failing to find the key of the box containing +his spectacles in time to reconnoiter the wily +foe. Commodore Head's conversation concerning the +speedy capture of Vicksburg, Charleston, Savannah +and Mobile, is instructive to all minds, and his promotion +is an event calculated to prove that the war is +about to begin in earnest.</p> + +<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div> + +<p>Rear-Admirals, my boy, are an aristocratic institution; +and their creation must serve to convince besotted +Europe, that in making a naval distinction between +rank and file, our discriminating Government knows +how to compromise matters by bestowing a new rank +upon an old file.</p> + +<p>It was on Wednesday that my architectural steed, +the Gothic Pegasus, renewed his usual weekly journey +to desolated Accomac, cheerfully conveying me thither +at a speed that did not keep the same roadside house +in view more than half an hour at a time. Having +hitched the funereal stallion to a copy of Senator Sumner's +recent Faneuil Hall speech, believing that document +sufficiently heavy to hold him, I gave him a discarded +straw-hat of mine for his dinner, and strolled +into the Mackerel camp.</p> + +<p>To the everlasting disgrace of our rulers be it said, +my boy, I found the devoted Mackerel Brigade progressing +<!--306.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[p. 307]</a></span> +toward deep suffering at a rate which made +me thank Heaven that I owned no chickens within +sight of the harrowing scene. Being thoughtlessly +supplied with three days' rations at a time, these neglected +martyrs incur all the perils of suffocation and +cruel nightmare by doing nothing on the first day but +eat from morning till night, what is left over at midnight +being used to pelt each other with. Then for +two whole days these gallant men who are fighting our +battles find famine staring them in the face, and I actually +heard one emaciated Mackerel chap offering a +whole week's pay to another Mackerel chap for a Confederate +cracker which he had picked up in a field, +wishing to consign that cracker to his friends at home +as a sample of the unnatural food with which an ungrateful +Republic feeds its faithful soldiers. I even +found many Mackerels without knapsacks and blankets, +which they had lost in adventures at "Old Sledge"; +and there was that in the countenances of others which +sured me that their poor faces had not been washed +since the commencement of the war!</p> + +<p>My soul turns sick at these things, my boy, and they +even have an effect upon a beholder's stomach. To +think that our noble volunteers, our country's preservers, +should be subjected to sufferings in which they +have not even the poor consolation of knowing that +somebody else than themselves is responsible therefor.</p> + +<p>Reflectively I turned from the scene of agony, and +had rambled some fifteen minutes in an adjacent bit of +woods, when the sound of voices near by made me +<!--307.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[p. 308]</a></span> +stop short behind a tree and peer eagerly through an +opening in the nearest thicket.</p> + +<p>Seated just beyond some evergreen bushes were four +dilapidated Confederacies, solemnly discussing the +great Emancipation Proclamation of our Honest Abe; +whilst close by them, and astride of a mossy stone, was +the accomplished swordsman, Captain Munchausen, +frantically, and with many hiccups, endeavoring at +one and the same time to catch a phantom fly and +maintain his equestrian position.</p> + +<p>One of the Confederacies took a bite from a cold +potato which he held in his hand, and, says he:</p> + +<p>"I reckon that it's near time for the unsubjugated +South to adopt Retaliatory measures, and proclaim +that all prisoners hereafter taken by the Confederacy +shall be previously shot and made into bone-ornaments."</p> + +<p>Here Captain Munchausen burst into an unseemly +peal of laughter as he made another wild clutch at +the phantom-fly, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Wher—where's Mary's—ary's—snuff-box?"</p> + +<p>Not perceiving that this special remark was relevant +to the question in view, a second Confederacy +merely tightened the string which held his inexpressibles +in place, and, says he:</p> + +<p>"What has been proposed by the Honorable Gentleman +from the Alms House is not sufficiently severe. +No mercy should be shown to the Washington demon, +and I move that any Federal soldiers found disturbing +a Confederacy during the progress of a battle shall be +at once executed for arson."</p> + +<p>The impression created by this motion extended +<!--308.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[p. 309]</a></span> +even to Captain Munchausen, who fell flat on his face +in a frantic attempt to catch the spectral insect, and +exclaimed, in tones of awful solemnity:</p> + +<p>"I don't want (hic) to be marri—ry—arried—Hic!"</p> + +<p>After a moment's pause, the third Confederacy finished +buttoning his coat with a bit of corn-cob, and +says he:</p> + +<p>"I move that the last Resolution be amended, to +make it a capital crime for any person whatever to be +guilty of Federal extraction."</p> + +<p>Now, it chanced, my boy, that there was a Mackerel +picket eating a confiscated watermelon in a clump of +bushes close behind me; and just at this crisis of the +debate, he casually tossed a piece of the rind in the direction +of the Confederacies. It happened to fall in +their midst, whereupon the enraged statesmen were +seized with great tremblings, and immediately skedaddled +in all directions, the last being Captain Munchausen, +who at first endeavored to carry a rock of some +hundred pounds' weight away with him, and ultimately +retreated in a highly-circuitous manner, with +an expression of abject despair under his cap.</p> + +<p>It is said, my boy, that the celebrated Confederacy +will resent the Proclamation by raising the Black Flag. +It is a common belief, that if such be the case, it will +be the duty of our generals to raise the blacks without +flagging.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, if it come to that,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--309.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[p. 310]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXV" id="LETTER_LXXV"></a>LETTER LXXV.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD +AGE RESPECTIVELY, AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY +MADE ANOTHER RAID.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 19th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>It is a beautiful and improving thing, my boy, to +see the wise and polished mob of a great nation paying +unmitigated reverence to fussy gray hairs, and +much shirt collar; and hence I never grew tired of +considering the dignified case of the Venerable Gammon, +whom everybody regards as the benign paternal +relative of his country. When I see Generals, Senators, +and other proprietors of Government property, +hanging breathlessly upon the words of this sublime +old man, just as though such words were so many gallows, +I feel the cause of Justice typified to my mind's +eye, and am myself enthusiastic enough to believe +that hanging is too good for them. Whether at Willard's, +the White House, the Capitol, or in his native +Mugville, the Venerable Gammon is ever the same +beneficent being, beaming blandly upon the whole +universe from above his ruffles, and paternally permitting +it to exist in his presence.</p> + +<p>The precise thing he has done in his fearfully long +<!--310.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[p. 311]</a></span> +lifetime, my boy, to beget such an agony of love and +worship from everybody, has not yet come to the +immediate knowledge of anybody; but he is the moss-grown +oracle of the United States of America, and it +gives me unspeakable satisfaction to reproduce as follows, +his benign letter of advice to the idolized General +of the Mackerel Brigade:</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Mugville</span>, July 4, 1776.<br /> +</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sirrah,</span>—Justly regarding you as the next +President of the United States, and an honored successor +of my old friend, Georgey Washington, I deem +it proper, by reason of my great importance and infirmities, +to repeat in writing with a pen what I have +before spoken to you with my tongue—this supplement +to my printed views (dated April the First) on +the highly inflamed condition of our glorious and +distracted Union.</p> + +<p>To meet the expectations of a populace admiring +my venerable shape, I deem it consistent with my retiring +modesty and infirmities to dictate to you the +four plans you may pursue by way of making yourself +President of our distracted Commonwealth in 1865.</p> + +<p>I.—Throw off the old and assume a new designation—the +sly old party; give the South entire control +of the whole country, and, my wig upon it, we shall +have no secession; but, on the contrary, an early return +of the entire Confederacy to Washington. Without +some equally benignant measure, we shall be compelled +to fight all the Border States and put them +<!--311.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[p. 312]</a></span> +down at once, instead of keeping two hundred thousand +soldiers peaceably employed in making their loyalty +continually sure.</p> + +<p>II.—Collect the war taxes outside of the States +where the tax-payers live, or declare upon paper that +they are already collected.</p> + +<p>III.—Conquer the seceded States by the unheard-of +agency of an actual army. I think this might be +done in a few hundred years by a young and able +general to be found on some railroad, with six hundred +thousand disciplined spades. Estimating a third +of this number to remain for ever stationary on the +Potomac, and a loss of a still greater number by consummate +strategy and changings of base. The loss of +chickens and contrabands on the other side would be +frightful, however great the morality of the mudsills.</p> + +<p>This conquest would cost money that might otherwise +go to beautify the South, secure fifteen +swearing and deeply-offended provinces, and be immediately +followed by a new election for President in +1865.</p> + +<p>IV.—Say to the Seceded States, in one of which I +own some mortgages: "<i>How are you, Southern Confederacy?</i>"</p> + +<p class="right"> +Deliberately, I remain,<br /> +Your father and the country's,<br /> +<span class="smcap">V. Gammon</span>.<br /> +<!--312.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[p. 313]</a></span></p> + +<p>This touching letter, my boy, I recommend to your +most prayerful consideration, as a paternal outpouring +of shirt-collared old age.</p> + +<p>Old age! how beautiful art thou in the glory of +thy spectacles, and the sublime largeness of thy stomach +and manner. And yet, would you believe it, +my boy? I am sometimes possessed of great doubtings +as to the genuineness of that majesty which makes a +continually-looming Venerable Shape such a great +blessing to an imperiled land. Sometimes there comes +to me a rickety vision of:</p> + + +<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 2em">AGE BLUNTLY CONSIDERED.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">As Age advances, ails and aches attend,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Backs builded broadest burdensomely bend;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cuttingly cruel comes consuming Care,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dealing delusions, drivelry, despair.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Empty endeavor enervately ends,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Fancy forlornly feigns forgotten friends;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Gout, grimly griping, gluttonously great,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hasten's humanity's hard-hearted hate.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Intentions imbecile invent ideas<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Justly jocunding jolly jokers' jeers:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Knowledge—keen kingdom knurlyably known—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Lingers, lamenting life's long lasting loan,<br /></span> +<!--313.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[p. 314]</a></span></div></div> +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Mammonly mumming, magnifying motes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nurtures numb Nature's narrowest nursery notes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Opens old age's odious offering out—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Peevish punctilio, parrot-pining pout.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Qualmishly querrying, quarrelsomely quaint,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Rousing rife ridicules' repealed restraint;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Speaking soft silliness—such shallow show<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That tottering toysters, tickled, titter too.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Useless, ungainly unbeloved, unblest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Virtue's vague visor, vice's veiling vest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wheezingly whimpering, wanting wisdom, wit,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Xistence, Xigent, Xclaims—Xit!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Youths, you're yelept youth's youngest; yet you'll<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Zestless zig-zaggers zanyable zealed.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>I exhibited that pleasing little poem to a Mackerel +chap, who stuttered, my boy; and he came so near going +into apoplexy through his endeavors to read it, +that I was obliged to make a joke, in order that he +might smile, relax, and recover.</p> + +<p>And now let your mind fly, like a wearied dove, to +the celebrated Arcadian scenes of festive Accomac, +where the Mackerel Brigade continues to reconnoitre +in force, and awaits the death of the Confederacy by +old age. Men, my boy, who entered this strategic war +in the full bloom of youth, now go with stooping +shoulders and tottering gait when they have a barrel +of flour to carry, and the bloom has departed from every +part of them save the extreme tip of that handle +<!--314.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[p. 315]</a></span> +of the human countenance which first meets the edge +of an open door in the dark. Even the Mackerel +brass-band begins to grow feeble, often making pitiable +attempts to execute stirring strains on his night key +bugle, as though unconscious that by long disuse in +his pocket it had become clogged with bread and +cheese.</p> + +<p>There is, on the Southern border of Accomac, my +boy, a solitary house, containing furniture and the +necessaries of life, which the Conic Section of the +Mackerel Brigade had been ordered to guard. It +stands immediately on the verdant banks of Awlkwyet +River, where that stream must be at least ten inches +deep; and as the first regular bridge is ten miles below +it, of course the Conic Section, to guard the house, +was placed at the end of that bridge—it being a principle +of national strategy never to recognize any Confederate +raid not made across a regular bridge.</p> + +<p>Now it chanced, that while the Conic Section at the +bridge was taking a short nap, having been up very +late the night before; and while the beloved General +of the Mackerel Brigade was visiting a portion of his +beautiful home-circle in Paris, that a very dirty Confederacy, +riding in a seedy go-cart, made his appearance +on the bank of the river opposite the house, and +commenced to make a raid right through the water to +the shore this side. His geometrical steed wet his feet +thereby, and the wheels of his squeaking vehicle were +damped by this barbarian way of offering irregular opposition +to the Government; but what cared he for the +rules of civilized warfare, which are the only authorized +West Point editions? Like all his infatuated +<!--315.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[p. 316]</a></span> +countrymen, he was rendered less than strategic by +the demon of Secession, and he crossed by the unmilitary +ford instead of by the military bridge.</p> + +<p>This is, indeed, heart-sickening.</p> + +<p>There was a Mackerel chap who slept in the house +to take care of a large black bottle, and when he heard +the go-cart driving up before the door, he stuck his +head out of the window, and says he:</p> + +<p>"What is it which you would have in these irregular +proceedings, Mr. Stuart?"</p> + +<p>The Confederacy dismounted from his chariot, tied a +bag of oats over his charger's head, and says he:</p> + +<p>"I'm making a raid."</p> + +<p>The Mackerel waved his hand southward, and says +he:</p> + +<p>"You'll find the bridge just below. Don't stay +here," says the Mackerel, earnestly, "or you'll exasperate +the North to fury."</p> + +<p>Here the Confederacy made some remark in which +the name of the North and a profane expletive were +connected very closely, and proceeded to bring from +the house a hobby-horse which stood in the hall. After +placing this valuable article in his go-cart, he next +brought out a cooking-stove; closely following this with +some chairs, a dining-table, two feather beds, a tea-set, +four wine-glasses and some tumblers, a looking-glass, +four sheets, two cottage bedsteads, a Brussels carpet, +and a Maltese cat. With these and a few other exceptions, +my boy, he made no attempt to disturb private +property; thereby proving that the President's Proclamation +has already produced a wholesome effect in +the degenerate South. +<!--316.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[p. 317]</a></span></p> + +<p>While this was going on, the vigilant Mackerel +guard descended privately from a back window, and +made a forced march to where the Conic Section were +watching something which looked like a man in the +Southern horizon—instantly making known the audacious +raid of the thieving Confederacy, and asking +whether the new levies of the Executive's last call +were likely to arrive early enough to take measures for +the prevention of the capture of Washington.</p> + +<p>While the question was in debate, my boy, the beloved +General of the Mackerel Brigade arrived with +his trunk and umbrella from Paris, and having caused +it to be telegraphed to all the reliable morning journals +that the Confederacy were now in a fair way to +be captured alive, he at once took measures to cut off +the retreat of the latter. Captain Villiam Brown, with +Company 3, Regiment 5, was at once ordered to construct +a pontoon bridge across the river some miles below, +and watch it vigilantly day and night; Captain +Bob Shorty and Colonel Wobert Wobinson, with the +Anatomical Cavalry, were dispatched to take possession +of a railroad leading to Manassas; whilst Captain +Samyule Sa-mith with the balance of the Conic Section, +was commanded to make a detour of three hundred +miles, and endeavor to reach the invaded house +before midwinter set in.</p> + +<p>All these movements were in accordance with profound +strategy, my boy, and cut off the Confederacy +from retreat by every route in the world, except the +insignificant one he came by.</p> + +<p>Satisfied that the war was going to end in about +sixty days, after which we should have time to defeat +<!--317.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[p. 318]</a></span> +combined Europe, the Mackerel guard hastened back +to the domicil, which he reached just in time to find +the Confederacy topping his go-cart with some kindling-wood +from the cellar.</p> + +<p>I regret to say, my boy—I blush for my species as +I make the incredible revelation—that upon receiving +the information of his surrounding and probable strategic +capture by the vigilant Mackerel Brigade, the +irreverent Confederacy burst into a hideous horse-laugh, +and at once proceeded to appropriate the poor +Mackerel chap's own shoes and stockings. With the +deepest horror I record, that he also tweaked the +Mackerel's nose.</p> + +<p>"I did not intend this as a permanent invasion," says +the impious Confederacy, as he remounted his go-cart +and turned his geometrical Arabian toward the water +again; "but I have just married a daughter of South +Carolina—one of two twins—and reckoned that I +needed some things to set up housekeeping. Farewell, +foul Hessian," says the Confederacy, as he +splashed through the water to the opposite bank—"fare +thee well, and tell your fiendish ruler, that it is +somewhat impossible to conquer the sunny South."</p> + +<p>The Mackerel chap gazed thoughtfully after the +go-cart as it disappeared on the other side of the +balmy Awlkwyet stream, and says he: "Rail on, +my erring brother; but if you'd only stayed here +one more week, you might not have escaped thus for +seven whole days. Had the army been insufficient to +secure you," says the Mackerel to himself, "had the +army been insufficient to secure you, why, there's the +police." +<!--318.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[p. 319]</a></span></p> + +<p>Raids, my boy, are so intrinsically irregular in their +character, that no provision can be made for them in +a regular army; hence they are sometimes necessitated +to take provisions for themselves as they go on.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, radiantly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--319.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[p. 320]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXVI" id="LETTER_LXXVI"></a>LETTER LXXVI.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING +THE LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND +NOTING THE COURT OF INQUIRY ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 26th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Early this morning, my boy, I sauntered across the +Long Bridge and took my seat upon the topmost rail +of a fence enclosing a trampled meadow. There I +sat, like Marius, my boy, contemplating the architectural +ruin embodied in my Gothic steed, Pegasus, and +ever and anon whistling abstractedly to my frescoed +dog, Bologna.</p> + +<p>By the gods! I really love these dumb friends of +mine. The speculative eye of the world sees in poor +Pegasus nothing more than an architectural dream—the +church architecture of the future—and, I must +confess, my boy, that the Gothic charger <i>does</i> look +something like a skeleton chapel at a distance; it +sees in Bologna only a mongrel cur, whose taste for +the calves of human legs is an epicurean outrage on +walking society. But for me, my boy, there is a human +pathos in the patient fidelity of these zoological curiosities +which appeals to my best manhood. I have had +a hard and thankless life of it; my experience with +<!--320.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[p. 321]</a></span> +the knowing political chaps of the Sixth Ward was +enough to grind everything like human tenderness +out of my nature, and make me turn into an arrogant and +contemptuous misanthrope; but there are times when +the cold nose of Pegasus against my cheek, or a wag +from that speaking tail of Bologna—which curls up +behind him like a note of interrogation, to ask how his +master feels—will give me such a sensation of wishing +to protect and be kind to the Helpless, that I feel myself +a better man for the practical Christianity of +such humble society.</p> + +<p>There is my mosquito, the youthful Humboldt, too! +He came to me one night, about two years ago, my +boy, practising much profound strategy to capture my +nose; and when I foiled him by a free use of both +arms of the service, the unterrified and humming +manner in which he changed the base of his operations +and came on again, excited my admiration and +respect. Catching him in a little net cage made from +the musquito bars of my bed, I kept him safely by +me, and now use him as a test of human nature. In +God's providence, each minute created thing has its +appointed use, my boy, and depend upon it, the use +of the musquito is to test human nature.</p> + +<p>There was a veteran political chap from Albany called +upon me last Sunday night. A sage and aged chap +of infinite vest, who wears the broad-brimmed hat of +reticent respectability, and nestles in much shirt-collar +like a centuried owl. Having taken a pinch of +snuff after the dirty manner of a Gentleman of the +Old School, he merely paused to take a hasty glance +<!--321.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[p. 322]</a></span> +at the plan for the next Senatorial election in his +note book, and then says he:</p> + +<p>"I'm grievously dis'pointed, yea, piteously vexed, +to see the partisan spirit raging so furiously in State +elections, at a time when an expiring country calls +upon all her sons, irrespective of party, to join hands +in the great work of saving her. Why cannot these +turbulent denouncers of each other be like me, who +recognize no division of party in this national crisis? +I would have a union of all men to vote for the one +great ticket of my choice; and even the democrat I +would recognize as a fellow being in such a case."</p> + +<p>I suspected this grievous old chap to be a hypocrite, +my boy, and I managed to let Humboldt free +from his cage for the purpose of testing him. As the +aged chap commenced to get warm, Humboldt began +to make raids round his sagacious head, and with +divers slaps in the air, the aged chap waxed spirited, +and says he;</p> + +<p>"Pshoo! pshoo!—As I was saying, we should all +strive to conciliate our political adversaries—pshoo! +and endeavor to promote a spirit of unity even with +the most disaffected peace men—pshoo, you beast!—and +not act like Greeley and Wendell Phillips, and +Beecher—confound it, pshoo!—and other infernal +fanatics; who, by their indiscreet, imprudent—curse +it, pshoo!—and infernal, God-forsaken niggerism, are +wounding the tenderest feelings—thunder and lightning, +pshoo!—and rousing the hellish passions of +really good democrats, who thereby make capital +from their sadly mistaken—blazes and blue lightning, +pshoo!—and devilish craziness, which is unfortunately +<!--322.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[p. 323]</a></span> +confusing—good heavens, pshoo, pshoo!—and damning +their own party, and knocking thunder out of the +gubernatorial canvass; besides—besides—"</p> + +<p>Here this aged chap made a flying leap at Humboldt, +missed his aim, and then dashed madly from +the room.</p> + +<p>Depend upon it, my boy, a musquito is a great test +of human nature. The little chap operates like an +outside conscience, and brings the real thing to the +surface.</p> + +<p>Why does not the Mackerel Brigade advance?</p> + +<p>This, my boy, is the question of the hour. For what +do our heroes wait? Is it for india-rubbers, or umbrellas, +or fine-tooth combs? No! be not deceived: it is for +none of these.</p> + +<p>Hem! The fact is, my boy, many respectable +though married Mackerels entered the army of the +Accomac when they were in the prime of life; and as +old age steals softly upon them, as the seasons and the +bases of operations run through their changes, and +year succeeds year, the eye-sight of many of them +waxes dim, and fails in the process of Nature. I know +some thousands of Mackerels, my boy, who are already +so blind that they have not seen a rebel for six months; +and hence, no advance-movement can be judiciously +made until the brigade is supplied with spectacles. +Without these, the idolized General of the Mackerel +Brigade will not do anything until he gets ready. It +was the want of these, as I now discover, that prevented +our troops seeing the Southern Confederacy +when he made his late raid across Awlkwyet River. +Let the spectacles be at once procured, my boy; or an +<!--323.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[p. 324]</a></span> +indignant and bleeding nation will at once demand a +change in the Cabinet.</p> + +<p>Company 3, Regiment 5, is the only Company yet +fitted with glasses, and was therefore selected to make +a reconnoissance toward Paris, under Colonel Wobert +Wobinson, on Tuesday afternoon, for the purpose of +discovering whether the Confederacies there were +very tired of waiting yet. Glaring through their spectacles, +these gallant beings advanced until they met a +Parrot shell going the other way, and then returned with +hasty discipline, bringing with them a captured contraband, +who was so anxious to remain in their company +that he actually ran very fast.</p> + +<p>Upon regaining the camp in Accomac, my boy, the +colonel had the intelligent contraband brought before +him, and says he:</p> + +<p>"If I mistake not, friend Africa, you were escaping +from the bonds of oppression when we took you?"</p> + +<p>The intelligent contraband shifted a silver soup-ladle +from one pocket to the other, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Yes, mars'r colonel, I hab left my ole mars'r for de +good of his bressed soul." Here the attached bondman +sniffed and shook his head.</p> + +<p>"Are you pious?" says Colonel Wobinson, much affected +by such an example of humble devotion.</p> + +<p>"Yes, mars'r I is dat," says the fond creature, wiping +his brow with a silk vest from his dress-coat pocket, +"and I wished to save my ole mars'r from de sin of de +wicked. I know dat it was wrong for him to own niggas, +and dat he was more sinful de more he done it. +And I run away, Mars'r Colonel, to save dat ole man's +bressum soul from any more dam." +<!--324.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[p. 325]</a></span></p> + +<p>Colonel Wobinson took off his spectacles in order +that the steam from his tears might not dim them, and +says he:</p> + +<p>"I had not looked for this in one so black. Leave +those silver spoons with me, friend Africa, and I will +send them to my wife. Sergeant, convey this dark being, +who has taught us all such a lesson of self-sacrifice, +to the chaplain; and tell the chaplain to look out +for his pocket."</p> + +<p>How beautiful is it, my boy, to see in the uncouth, +unlettered slave, a spirit of piety so shiningly practical. +When I beheld the brutalized bondman evince such +signs of religion, I am reminded of those tender and +precocious little babes, who sometimes delight their +mothers with exalted utterances of the like, and am inclined +to believe that one knows just as much about +it as the other does.</p> + +<p>It pains me to say, my boy, that Captain Villiam +Brown so far forgot himself on Wednesday, upon discovering +the non-arrival of the spectacles, that he used +language of an incendiary description against the beloved +General of the Mackerel Brigade, thereby proving +himself to be one of those crazy fanatics who are +trying to ruin our distracted country. He said, my +boy, that the adored General of the Mackerel Brigade +was a dead-beat, and furthermore observed that he +would be very sorry to take his word.</p> + +<p>Such language could not pass unnoticed, and a Court +of Inquiry, composed of Captains Bob Shorty, Samyule +Sa-mith, and Colonel Wobert Wobinson, was instantly +called. The Court had a decanter and tumbler +only, to aid its deliberations, it being determined by +<!--325.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[p. 326]</a></span> +the War Department that no fact which could be detected +even by the aid of a glass, should go uninspected.</p> + +<p>Villiam having been summoned to the presence, +Samyule declared the Court in session, and says he:</p> + +<p>"The sad duty has become ours, to investigate certain +charges against a brother in arms which has heretofore +been the mirror of chivalry. It is specified +against him:</p> + +<p>"'<i>First</i>—That said Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, +did affirm, declare, avow, testify, and articulate, +with his tongue, licker, and organ of speech, that the +General of the Mackerel Brigade was a dead-beat.</p> + +<p>"'<i>Second</i>—That aforesaid Captain Villiam Brown, +Eskevire, did proclaim, utter, enunciate, fulminate and +swear, that he would not take the word of the General +of the Mackerel Brigade.'</p> + +<p>"What has the culprit to say to these charges? Did +he say that our idolized Commander was a dead-beat?"</p> + +<p>Villiam smiled calmly, and says he: "The chaste +remark exactly fits the orifice of my lips."</p> + +<p>"Confine yourself to English," says Colonel Wobinson, +majestically. "What do you mean by the observation?"</p> + +<p>"Why," says Villiam, pleasantly, "I meant, that +before he was beaten he must be dead. And after +death, you know," says Villiam, reaching one hand abstractedly +toward the decanter, "after death, you +know, we must all <i>b'eaten</i> by worms."</p> + +<p>This explanation, my boy, was satisfactory, and conveyed +a grave moral lesson; but the court felt convinced +<!--326.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[p. 327]</a></span> +that the second charge could not be thus +simply answered.</p> + +<p>Captain Samyule Sa-mith set down the tumbler for a +moment, and says he:</p> + +<p>"You're not guilty on the first count, Villiam; but +didn't you say that you wouldn't take the word of the +General of the Mackerel Brigade?"</p> + +<p>"Which I did," says Villiam.</p> + +<p>"And what excuse have you to offer, my trooper?" +says Captain Bob Shorty, pointing the question with +his spoon.</p> + +<p>"Is the general a gentleman?" says Villiam, searchingly.</p> + +<p>The court believed him to be such.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, "then if he's a gentleman, he +always <i>keeps</i> his word, and of course it is impossible +to <i>take</i> it."</p> + +<p>Verdict of "not guilty, with a recommendation to +mercy."</p> + +<p>Courts of Inquiry, my boy, are calculated to draw +out the rich humor of military character, and are +equally useful and appropriate with all other jokes, in +times of devastating war.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, smilingly,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--327.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[p. 328]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXVII" id="LETTER_LXXVII"></a>LETTER LXXVII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE +PRESIDENT, NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE +ABOUT A BRITISH FLAG, AND INDICATING THE STRAGETIC ADVANCE +OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, November 7th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>The late election in New York, my boy, has electrified +everybody except our Honest Abe, who still goes +about smiling, like a long and amiable sexton, and continues +to save our distracted country after the manner +of an honest man. On Tuesday night, a high moral +Democratic chap, of much watch-seal, who had just +received a dispatch all about the election, went to see +the Honest Abe, for the express purpose of telling him +that the Democratic party had been born again, and +was on the point of protesting against everything whatsoever, +except the Constitution of our forefathers. He +found the Honest Abe cracking some walnuts before +the fire, my boy, and says he:</p> + +<p>"The celebrated Democratic organization, of which +I am Assistant Engineer, has carried the State of New +York in a manner impossible to express, and will now +proceed to demand of you a vigorous prosecution of +that unnatural strife in which are involved our lives, +our liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We admire +<!--328.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[p. 329]</a></span> +to see your harmless honesty," says the chap, +blandly, "and we believe you to be a fresh egg; but +we protest against the arbitrary arrest of men which +is patriots, only conservatively Democratic; and we +insist upon a vigorous prosecution of Constitutional +hostilities against our misguided brothers who are now +offering irregular opposition to the Government."</p> + +<p>The Honest Abe cracked a walnut, and says he: +"You say, neighbor, that the organization still insists +upon a vigorous prosecution of the war?"</p> + +<p>The Democratic chap sliced a toothpick from the +arm of the chair with his knife, and says he: "That +is the present platform on which we are <i>E pluribus +unum</i>."</p> + +<p>"Well," says the Honest Abe, "I believe that you +mean well; but am reminded of a little story.</p> + +<p>"When I was practicing law out in Illinois," says the +Honest Abe, twisting the bow of his black necktie +around from under his left ear, "there was an old cock, +with two sons, living near me in a tumble-down old +shanty. He lived there until half his roof blew off one +windy night, and then he concluded to move to a new +house, where the chimney didn't take up all the upper +story. On the day when he moved, he'd got most all +his traps changed to the other residence, and had sent +one of his sons to see that they were all got safely indoors, +when suddenly a shower commenced to come up. +The old man and his other offspring, who had stayed +to hurry him, were taking up a carpet from the floor +at the time the first dose of thunder cracked, and the +offspring says he, 'Hurry up, old crazy-bones, or +we'll be ketched in the freshet before you get up +<!--329.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[p. 330]</a></span> +this here rich fabric.' The stern parent heeded the +admonition, and went ripping away the carpet around +the edges of the room, until he came near where the +offspring was standing, and there it stuck. He pulled, +but it wouldn't come, and he says, says he: ''Pears to +me that dod-rotted tack must be a tenpenny nail—it +holds on so.' You see, the old screw was very blind +without his specs," says the Honest Abe, buttoning his +vest askew, "and he couldn't see just where the tack +was. Another peal of thunder at this moment made +the irascible offspring still madder, and he says, says +he: 'You misabul old cripple, if you don't hurry up +we'll be ketched, I tell you!' As he made this dutiful +remark he went stamping to the window, and at the +same moment the cantankerous tack came out, and the +aged parent went over on his back with the carpet up +to his chin. He got up and dusted, and says he: +'Well, now, that <i>is</i> cur'ous—how suddent it went.' +Then he proceeded to rip away again, until it came +near the window, and there it stuck once more. The +wild offspring saw him tugging again, and it made him +so wrathy that he says, says he: 'Why in thunder +didn't you take the nails out first, you crooked old sinner, +you? It's enough to make me weep afresh for the +old woman, to see how you—' But he didn't finish his +observation; for, as he walked toward where the hammer +lay, the tack came out, and the old 'un went to +bed again under the carpet. Up sprang the sad parent, +spitting rags, and he says, says he: 'Well now, +how cur'ous—to think it should come so suddent!' +Still on he went, until the carpet was all up from +around the edges; but when he tried to draw it away +<!--330.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[p. 331]</a></span> +on his shoulder, it was fast somewheres yet. R-r-rum-bum-boom! +went the thunder; and says the infuriated +offspring, says he: 'Well, I never did see such a blundering +old dad as you be. We'll be ketched in the +rain as sure as grasshoppers; and all because you didn't +take my advice about the hammer in the first place.' +The poor old 'un tugged, and pulled, and panted, and +says he: 'Well, now, it <i>is</i> cur'ous, I swun to massey. +There can't be no tacks way out in the middle of the +floor here, can they?' To make sure, the old blind-pate +was going down on his knees to take a mouse-eye +view, when all of a sudden he gave a start, and he +says, says he: 'Why, 'pears to me, Sammy, <i>you're +standin' on the carpet yourself!</i>' And so he was—so +he was," says the Honest Abe, smiling into the fire, +"and that was the why the carpet had stuck fast in so +many places."</p> + +<p>"Now," says the Honest Abe, poking the Democratic +chap in the ribs with his knuckles; "if your organization +wants me to move vigorously in this war, +tell them not to be standing on my carpet all the time. +Otherwise, I must still keep tacking about."</p> + +<p>The Democratic chap had been slowly rising from +his chair as this small moral tale drew toward its exciting +conclusion, and at the last word he fled the +apartment with quivering watch-seal.</p> + +<p>Our President, my boy, has a tale for every emergency, +as a rat-trap has an emergency for every tail.</p> + +<p>It was on the morning of this same day, that I had a +pleasing conversation on the state of our foreign relations +with a phlegmatic British chap connected with +the English Ministry, who is remaining here for the +<!--331.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[p. 332]</a></span> +purpose of beholding anarchy in the North, which he +has been requested to immediately communicate to one +of Great Britain's morning journals. We were taking +Richmond together at Willard's, my boy, and had just +been speaking of the English Southern pirate "Alabama" +in terms of neutrality, when suddenly the phlegmatic +chap drew a roll of silk from one of his pockets, +fastened it to his cane, unfurled it before my eyes, and +says he:</p> + +<p>"By the way, sir, 'ow do you like this ere h'original +h'idea of mine? Do you see what it is?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, friend Bifstek," says I, Frenchily, "that is +indeed the Black Flag."</p> + +<p>The chap turned very red in the face, my boy, and +says he: "The Black Flag! what a 'orrible h'idea! +You must be thinking of the h'Alabama. What h'induces +you to suppose such a thing!"</p> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/i_331.png" width="270" height="203" title="The Black Flag" alt="The Black Flag" /> +</div> + +<p>"Why," says I, "there's the Skull and Crossbones +plain enough." +<!--332.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[p. 333]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Skull and Crossbones!!" says he, "why, that's the +beautiful Hinglish crest—a crown and sceptres; and +this is my new h'original design, ye know, for a new +Hinglish Revenue Flag."</p> + +<p>It was then, my boy, that I discovered my error, and +apologized for my obliquity of vision. It was strange, +indeed, that I should mistake for a skull the insignia +of royalty, even though a crown is not unfrequently +found identified with a numskull.</p> + +<p>On the same Tuesday, my boy, there was a small +election in a town just this side of Accomac, and I went +down there early in the morning, to the office of the +excellent independent evening journal, that I might see +the returns as soon as they came in. The editor was +talking to two chaps—a Republican and a Democrat—and, +says he:</p> + +<p>"The organ which my humble talents keep a-going +is strictly independent, and I have no choice of candidates. +I care only for my country, one and individual," +says the editor, touchingly, "and can make no +arbitrary discrimination of mere parties; but as you +both advertise your tickets in my moral journal, a +sense of duty may induce me to favor the side whose +advertisement weighs the most."</p> + +<p>After this gentle insinuation, my boy, each chap +hastily commenced to write his advertisement. The +Republican inscribed his upon a <i>very</i> heavy piece of +brown wrapping-paper to make it weighty; but the +Democrat selected a plain bit of foolscap, only putting +in a hundred-dollar Treasury Note, to keep it from +blotting.</p> + +<p>When the editor came to look at the two, he coughed +<!--333.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[p. 334]</a></span> +slightly, and says he: "I have always been a Democrat."</p> + +<p>"But my advertisement certainly weighs the most," +says the Republican chap, hotly.</p> + +<p>The editor ate a chestnut, and says he: "Not in an +intellectual sense, my friend."</p> + +<p>"My paper is twice as heavy as his," says the chap; +"and as to the Treasury Note, I had some scruples—"</p> + +<p>"There!" says the editor, interruptingly, "you tell +the whole story, my friend. In the temple of a free +and reliable press, as well as elsewhere, some scruples +bear very little proportion in weight to one hundredweight."</p> + +<p>The American press, my boy, might occasionally +adopt as an appropriate motto, the present Napoleon's +observation, that "<i>L'Empire c'est la</i> <span class="smcap">PAY</span>."</p> + +<p>Turning from intellectual matters, let me glance at +our country's hope and pride, the Mackerel Brigade, +each member of whom feels confident of ultimately +crushing out this hideous Rebellion as soon as national +strategy shall have revealed the present whereabouts +of the affrighted Confederacy. Last week, my boy, the +Brigade moved gorgeously from Accomac, headed by +the band, who played exciting strains upon his night-key +bugle; and was only fired upon from the windows +of wayside houses by helpless women, against whom +the United States of America do not make war.</p> + +<p>Woman, my boy, is the most helpless of God's creatures; +and is so far from having power to help any +other being, that she even can't help being herself +sometimes.</p> + +<p>The sun shone brightly down upon the spectacles of +<!--334.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[p. 335]</a></span> +the ancient Mackerels as they once more took the road +toward Paris; and as the light was reflected from the +glistening glasses upon the carmine noses of which they +were astride, it seemed as though each warrior had a +rose in the middle of his countenance to symbolize the +beautiful idea, that they had all arose for their distracted +country's preservation.</p> + +<p>Captain Villiam Brown, mounted on his geometrical +steed, Euclid, was conversing affably with Captain Bob +Shorty, as they rode along together, when a Lieutenant +of the Anatomical Cavalry came dashing toward him, +and says he:</p> + +<p>"Captain, there's something missing from the rearguard."</p> + +<p>Villiam assumed a thoughtful demeanor, and says +he: "Is it a miss fire?"</p> + +<p>"No," says the Lieutenant, agitatedly: "but we +miss two—"</p> + +<p>"Not baggage wagons?" says Villiam, giving such +a start that Euclid nearly fell upon his knees; "don't +tell me that two wagons are missing."</p> + +<p>"Why no," says the Lieutenant, with emotion, "it's +not two wagons that we miss, but two Brigadiers."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, fanning himself with his cap. +"How you alarmed me. I thought at first that it was +two wagons. Let the procession go on, and I'll send +for two more Brigs the next time I have a friend going +to Washington."</p> + +<p>It would please me, my boy, to detail the further +movements of the Mackerels, but the cause of strategy +demands that I should say no more on that topic just +at present. +<!--335.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[p. 336]</a></span></p> + +<p>The beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade was +at Washington when he heard of the advance which +his enemies would pretend that he did not lead in person, +and says he to the messenger:</p> + +<p>"Are my gallant children ready for a fight?"</p> + +<p>"Much so," says the messenger.</p> + +<p>"Is the weather clear, my child?"</p> + +<p>"Salubrious."</p> + +<p>"Thunder!" says the General, valorously. "Then I +really believe that I must move my headquarters +across the Potomac!"</p> + +<p>The Potomac, my boy—to speak with all due reverence +for sacred things—in the numerous backs and +forths it so constantly imposes upon the military, +would seem calculated to turn this war into another +Crusade, and make all our heroes literal soldiers of the +"cross."</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, metaphorically,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Oepheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--336.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[p. 337]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXVIII" id="LETTER_LXXVIII"></a>LETTER LXXVIII.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN +CLUB IS DULY REPORTED.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, November 12th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>Herr Tuyfeldock, my boy, the high-Dutch cosmopolitan, +supernaturalized the last meeting of the club +with his old-fashioned story of</p> + + +<p class="gentitle">HERMANN, THE DEMENTED.</p> + +<p>"At the base of a lofty mountain, and overshadowed +by its beetling cliffs, stood a rude hut, built of heavy +logs, and surmounted by a roof, the eaves of which descended +in broad scollops over the windows of the tenement, +and gave it the appearance of a small boy +wearing his father's hat. In the surrounding scenery +there was a wild grandeur and magnificence with +which no work of art would have been in keeping. +Immediately in the rear of the humble habitation, abruptly +rose one of a range known as the Hartz Mountains, +stretching far away toward the west in waves of +bright and shadowy emerald, as the light fell upon +<!--337.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[p. 338]</a></span> +them, and covered with gloomy forests, peopled with +unblest spirits by the legends of olden times. In front +and on both sides, spreading out its vast expanse of verdant +soil, until it appeared to meet with the horizon, +was a noble plain, bearing scattered clumps of trees, +through which a few isolated huts were discernable. +It was like Light and Shade meeting, with the hut under +the cliff to mark their boundaries.</p> + +<p>"Evening had just begun to tint the fragrant air +with her sombre hues, when a figure was apparent, +moving over the plain in the direction of the lonely +domicil, and, as it approached nearer, the muscular +form and pleasing features of a young hunter were visible. +He was exceedingly tall, yet symmetrical in +every limb, and quick in his movements as a chamois +on its native hills. His dress comprised a coat and +leggins of blue material, ornamented with silver buttons, +a pair of heavy boots, and a narrow-brimmed +straw hat, from which a wolf's tail depended. He carried +a long rifle, and a bag for small game swung, with +a powder flask, or horn, at his side.</p> + +<p>"Arriving in front of the hut, he paused a moment +to examine some footprints on the soil, and then tapped +gently at the door with the butt of his piece. In +an instant it was opened by a beautiful girl, with light +blue eyes, flaxen curls, and a complexion of pure red +and white, who, though dressed in the coarsest attire, +yet looked and shone a perfect goddess of the solitude.</p> + +<p>"'Dearest Marcella,' exclaimed the hunter, seizing +her extended hand, and carrying it to his lips with all +the ardor of a lover. +<!--338.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[p. 339]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'I feared you were not coming to-night, Wilhelm,' +answered Marcella, with a blush of pleasure, as she led +him into the hut by the hand which she still retained.</p> + +<p>"The apartment thus entered occupied the whole +structure, save a portion apparently partitioned off with +wolf skins; and a rude table, six chairs, and a goatskin +covered couch, were the only articles of furniture +it contained, excepting a few trophies of the chase +hanging from the walls, and a woodman's axe placed +over the mantel. The floor was composed of logs, and +was very uneven, save directly opposite the fire-place, +where a large flat stone was firmly imbedded in the +earth; and a small oil lamp, swinging in chains from +the arching roof above, gave forth a pale light +which mingled imperceptibly with that of departing +day in a mellow twilight.</p> + +<p>"'Marcella,' said Wilhelm, as they sat beside each +other on the couch, 'I can scarcely realize that you are +the wild little fairy, with whom I used to explore the +dark woods of haunted Hartz. I can remember, too, +standing with you under the blighted pine, and relating +old legends which I heard my father tell, while +you listened with breathless attention, and looked like +a startled chamois, when the wind rustled among the +leaves.'</p> + +<p>"'Those were happy days!' murmured Marcella.</p> + +<p>"'They were, indeed!' continued Wilhelm, with enthusiasm—'yet +why should infancy monopolize all the +richest pleasures of life? As we grow older, our understanding +becomes more clearly defined, and circumstances +which rendered our childhood happy, should +<!--339.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[p. 340]</a></span> +become more truly appreciated as blessings, instead of +growing homely and irksome to us.'</p> + +<p>"'It is because the matured mind requires a wider +field for exercise,' said Marcella. 'When I used to +roam with you in the forest or on the plain, those localities +constituted our little world, and I cared for no +other; but as my father taught me the learning of +books, I awoke to a sense of uneasiness, and a consciousness +of restricted liberty. The beautiful world +of which I read became replete with attractions hitherto +unknown to me, and I longed to quit these wild +scenes, and behold the palaces of princes.'</p> + +<p>"'So it was with me,' responded her lover. 'As +you may remember, my parents hoarded up their little +earnings, that I might enjoy the advantages of education, +and I went to Gottingen with the feeling of one +who was about to drink of pleasure at its fountain-head; +but alas! Marcella, the wide world is like a piece of +glass, which may sparkle in the distance with all the brilliancy +of a diamond, and after leading us wildly onward, +becomes the more worthless, for our endeavors +to gain a closer view. I imagined that the learning of +schools would confer happiness; it became mine, and I +found it a mockery. I mixed with the rich, gay and +gifted; but my object still eluded pursuit. Marcella, I +became convinced that I left true happiness behind +me, when I departed from home; and returned to its +shelter, resolved to leave it no more. I tasted of the +cup, and found it bitter.'</p> + +<p>"'My father talks in that manner,' answered Marcella. +'He hates the world for the injury it has done +him, and even our few neighbors excite his scorn, by +<!--340.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[p. 341]</a></span> +their foolish fears of him. I am sure if they knew him +well, they could not help loving him as I do; he is so +noble, so brave, so generous, that I cannot understand +why he is called "The Demented," unless it is because +his superior intelligence is regarded by the hinds as a +supernatural gift. Perhaps that is the reason,' she added, +haughtily.</p> + +<p>"'You wrong the honest peasants,' said the hunter, +hastily; 'who, though ignorant, possess the gifts of reason +and discrimination. Your father will not allow +them to know him better, and the extraordinary quantity +of game which he obtains would arouse superstitious +whispers from more enlightened minds.'</p> + +<p>"'Poor deluded creatures!' exclaimed Marcella, +scornfully. 'Because my father's aim is truer than +theirs, ought he to be looked upon as one demented? Because, +by his skill in woodcraft, he surpasses their success, +should they shun him with looks of horror? Because +he refuses to join in their low revels, should they +regard him as a ghost-seer? Wilhelm, you have learning, +and ought to frown down these foolish superstitions, +instead of partaking in them. Did you love +Marcella as you have often sworn you do, the man who +spoke evil of her parent, would from that moment become +your enemy.'</p> + +<p>"'And so he should, dearest Marcella; but alas! +their suspicions are but too well founded, and though +you may be offended, I dare not deny that I myself +believe him to be in league with the Evil One.'</p> + +<p>"'Then leave me!' exclaimed Marcella, starting +from beside him. 'Why should you wish to wed the +child of such a man? Might you not find a devil in +<!--341.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[p. 342]</a></span> +me? Why should I love a being whose lips have declared +my father a demon? Go! Wilhelm, I took +you for a man; but you have the soul of a dwarf.'</p> + +<p>"Her eyes flashed indignation as she spoke, and in +the eyes of her lover she appeared more beautiful than +ever.</p> + +<p>"'I can forgive your reproaches, for I know them +to be actuated by noble sentiments,' he replied, drawing +her gently back to her seat. 'Honor to our parents +is nature's first law, and God forbid that I should +condemn it; but, dearest Marcella, there should be no +reserve between us, who have grown up side by side, +as it were, and I speak to you as I would to no one else—not +even my parents. That I love you, you surely cannot +doubt, and that love would be worth little to either +of us, did it enjoin concealment of our true opinions +from each other. I speak as an honest man, when I +tell you, that I once beheld your father in the Black +Forest, accompanied by a stranger, who was not of +this world.'</p> + +<p>"'Great God!' ejaculated Marcella, starting up +with affright.</p> + +<p>"'Forgive me, dearest; but you forced me to say it +in my own defence. Calm yourself and we will talk +of this fearful subject no longer.'</p> + +<p>"'Wilhelm, you are not trifling with me?'</p> + +<p>"'As I hope to be saved, no.'</p> + +<p>"The daughter of Hermann trembled for a moment, +as though the spirit of Fear had touched her, and the +dim rays of the swinging lamp, as they fell upon her +finely cut features, revealed the undisguised terror +<!--342.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[p. 343]</a></span> +there betrayed. But she quickly settled rigidly as a +marble effigy, and her voice was firm, as she said:</p> + +<p>"'Wilhelm, I believe you, and may God help my +unfortunate father. Tell me of what you <i>saw</i>, and disguise +nothing!'</p> + +<p>"'It were better to remain untold, Marcella.'</p> + +<p>"'I must and will hear it,' she answered with cold +determination.</p> + +<p>"'Then it must be told,' said the young hunter, +with an involuntary shudder. 'On the second day after +my arrival from Gottingen University, I started out +from my father's cot, to course hares, taking with me +my dog and rifle, intending to remain absent all day. +For some hours I was quite successful, and succeeded +in killing a score of the fleet animals, but after +noon they grew scarce, and as the sun was sinking in +the west, I paused wearied and exhausted on the borders +of the Black Forest, while my dog was panting +in the shade. As I stood thus, leaning upon my gun, +the sound of a bugle call fell upon my ears, and almost +immediately afterwards your father suddenly passed +me in the direction from whence it came, looking +straight forward with a stony, fascinated stare, so full +of mingled despair and earnestness, that I trembled +with superstitious fear, and even my dog crawled to +my feet, quivering in every limb. Onward he strode, +unconscious of a watcher, to a shaded spot on the border, +just beyond my position, known as the Witch's +Circle. As he reached it, the bugle was again sounded, +when immediately a tall cloaked figure rode out +of the forest to meet him, and they saluted each other +in silence. I could not discern the stranger's features, +<!--343.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[p. 344]</a></span> +but I noticed with breathless horror that the steps of +the horse which he rode, as well as those of another +which he led by the bridle, gave forth no more sound +than if they were planted in air——'</p> + +<p>"Wilhelm suddenly paused in his narrative, as a +beautiful White Fawn suddenly sprang from behind a +suspended wolf skin, and alighted directly in front of +him. Daylight no longer lent its rays to illumine the +apartment, and as the animal's eyes were visible +through the misty beams of the lamp, they seemed to +glare and blaze like coals of vivid fire.</p> + +<p>"'Heaven preserve me!' ejaculated the young +hunter, crossing himself.</p> + +<p>"'It is my pet, Leo; do not fear him,' said Marcella +in low tones.</p> + +<p>"'Your father mounted the unoccupied saddle,' +continued Wilhelm, going on with his adventure; +'and together they disappeared between the pines; +noiselessly as the falling of a feather. At short intervals +I heard the sound of the bugle growing fainter +and fainter, until it died away in the windings of the +mountains. I called my dog and hastened home, +without daring to look behind, lest I should behold +the mysterious riders following on my track.'</p> + +<p>"A short silence succeeded, during which Marcella +gently wept, and caressed the fawn. At length +she spoke:</p> + +<p>"'Dear Wilhelm, I now see the reason why you +have ever avoided my father, and come here only +while he is away. Perhaps it is better that you should +continue to do so, for he is very irritable, and your +meeting might be attended with fearful results. Leave +<!--344.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[p. 345]</a></span> +me, Wilhelm; I expect him every moment; it is already +past his usual time of return.'</p> + +<p>"'I must speak with your father to night, dearest,' +said the hunter, encircling her waist with his +arm.</p> + +<p>"'God forbid!' she exclaimed, looking up to him +with great alarm.</p> + +<p>"'It must be so, Marcella; I am about to ask a +gift of him, and his answer will either make me the +happiest of men, or leave me miserable for life. I will +ask his daughter of him as one who has a just claim, +and I cannot believe he will refuse me.'</p> + +<p>"'Wilhelm, you do not know my——'</p> + +<p>"At this moment there came a measured rapping +at the door, and Marcella arose to open it, trembling +with undefined dread. Hermann the Demented pressed +a kiss upon her brow as he passed the threshold, and +entered his cabin.</p> + +<p>"He was an old man, for his hair was grey, and deep +wrinkles furroughed his brow; but his form was fully +developed and upright as that of meridian manhood, +and there was a changing fire in his eye that indicated +all the energy of youth. His dress was a mixture +of military and peasant garb, and he wore a tall, +black felt hat, encircled with a red ribbon. Game of +every kind hung in such profusion from his broad +shoulders, that it almost entirely concealed his person, +and he bore in his hand a rifle which few men could +handle. On arriving beneath the lamp, he deposited +his spoils upon the floor, and then, for the first time, +observed the presence of the young hunter.</p> + +<p>"'Ha! is that you Wilhelm!' he exclaimed, casting +<!--345.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[p. 346]</a></span> +aside his rifle, and extending his hand in a friendly +manner, 'I am especially glad to welcome a brother +craftsman to my cover, on a night when I have had +such uncommon luck. Look at that heap, and tell +me if you ever saw another such.'</p> + +<p>"'You are famed as a fortunate hunter,' answered +the other, gazing upon the immense pile at his feet +with astonishment.</p> + +<p>"'Yes, yes, Wilhelm, there are few men can bag +hares with Hermann, the Demented,' and the old man +laughed a hollow laugh.</p> + +<p>"'Your skill must indeed be extraordinary, when +it enables you to secure many of these animals <i>after +nightfall, and without hounds</i>,' returned Wilhelm, +looking fixedly at the hunter with a penetrating +glance.</p> + +<p>"Immediately upon the entrance of her father +Marcella had drawn the table from the wall, and commenced +to prepare an humble meal; she was standing +in a distant corner of the cabin, when her lover +spoke thus:</p> + +<p>"Hermann started back with a look of fierce anger.</p> + +<p>"'What mean you, young man!' he asked in stern +tones.</p> + +<p>"'I had no intention of giving offence, Mynheer +Hermann.'</p> + +<p>"'Your looks, at least, were impertinent,' muttered +the old hunter, turning abruptly from him, and commencing +to sort his game.</p> + +<p>"The simple meal was soon ready, and the three +persons partook of it without so much as a whisper. +When it was finished, and while the young girl was +<!--346.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[p. 347]</a></span> +replacing her few utensils, Hermann produced a large +Meerschaum pipe, and having filled it with tobacco, +lit it with a chip from the fire-place; looking inquiringly +at his guest as he smoked.</p> + +<p>"'You were, doubtless, surprised to find me here?' +said the latter, with some hesitancy in his manner.</p> + +<p>"'I am not often so highly honored,' responded +Hermann, quietly sending forth a wreath of smoke +from between his teeth.</p> + +<p>"'Do you understand my object, Mynheer Hermann?'</p> + +<p>"'Certainly I do, Mynheer Wilhelm.'</p> + +<p>"'Indeed,' ejaculated the young hunter, with a look +of inquiry.</p> + +<p>"'Of course,' said Hermann, ironically; 'you come +to my cot, Mynheer Wilhelm, hoping to behold some +diabolical orgie, or the working of some cabalistic +spell, by which I secure success in the chase. You +expect to see me in communion with the mountain +spirits, and allowing a long-tailed demon to breathe +upon my rifle. Look around you, my honored guest; +is not my daughter some horrid witch in disguise? Is +not this gentle fawn, a bloodthirsty spectre metamorphosed? +Do you not see at least a dozen goblins +climbing the barrel of my rifle? Ha, ha, ha! you will +add another to the thousand and one legends about +<i>Hermann the Demented</i>. And tell me, young man, +what is to prevent my offering you as a sacrifice to +my counsellor, the devil? People would say it served +you right, for entering this unholy place. You had +better depart before my familiar makes his appearance +to sup with me, from the skulls of children. I assure +<!--347.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[p. 348]</a></span> +you, mynheer, that yonder stone bottle contains human +blood. Fly, before the spell begins to work.'</p> + +<p>"Although the old man frequently laughed while +speaking, there was a hollowness, and unreal zest in +his mirth, that made the young hunter shudder.</p> + +<p>"'You have made a great mistake, Mynheer Hermann,' +he replied calmly. 'I came here with no such +despicable intentions as those you attribute to me. +To be plain and honest with you, I am here to ask a +gift of you.'</p> + +<p>"'What is it, boy?'</p> + +<p>"'Your daughter, mynheer.'</p> + +<p>"Dropping the pipe, and springing to his feet, Hermann +confronted his guest, glaring upon him with vindictive +fury.</p> + +<p>"'Wretch! dare you insult me?' he howled, gnashing +his teeth.</p> + +<p>"'Mynheer Hermann, be calm, I beseech you; you +have obliged me to make the request thus abruptly, +and I am willing to abide the consequences. I love +Marcella, and she loves me. I would make her my +wife.'</p> + +<p>"For a moment, the father held his hand to his +brow and fixed a glance upon the young hunter, as +though to read his inmost soul; then turning quickly +to his child, who sat near him, trembling with fear, he +asked excitedly:</p> + +<p>"'Is this true, Marcella?'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, dear father,' she replied, arising from her +seat, and laying her head fondly upon his breast.</p> + +<p>"He looked down upon her beautiful face, suffused +with tears, in silence; slowly the flash of anger faded +<!--348.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[p. 349]</a></span> +from his countenance, leaving the gleam of idolatrous +affection shining there. The feelings of a parent +overcame all others, and a bright drop glistened on +his cheek.</p> + +<p>"'My darling, my only treasure,' he murmured, +pressing her closely to him. 'Your happiness is my +only earthly object.'</p> + +<p>"'Wilhelm,' he continued, placing his disengaged +hand upon the youth's shoulder, 'I wronged you in +my suspicions, and ask your forgiveness. Your face, +as well as that of my darling, convince me that I +wronged you. Yet I cannot grant you my child, until +you have first heard somewhat of her history, and my +own. Not but that she is a jewel, the proudest king +might wear upon his bosom with honor,' he continued, +with spirit; 'but no man shall ever accuse me of practising +a lie.'</p> + +<p>"He resumed his seat, still holding Marcella closely +to his bosom, and went on:</p> + +<p>"'To no other living being have I ever told my +strange story, and there is that in your countenance, +which tells me you are no traitor. Listen attentively +to what I say: I was born on the estate of a nobleman +in Transylvania, to whom my father was steward, and +spent the happiest days of my existence roving about +those vast domains, a free and joyous child. At the +age of thirteen, I was placed in a school, where I advanced +rapidly in learning, until I was the acknowledged +phenomenon of the village, and the pride of my +fond father. Years of unalloyed peace rolled over my +head, during which I wooed the beautiful daughter of +a landed gentleman—won and married her by stealth. +<!--349.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[p. 350]</a></span> +Her father's rage knew no bounds in the first moments +of discovery, and he threatened to separate us; but my +wife's entreaties soon banished his anger, and we were +soon received in full favor both by him and my own +parents. Oh! what unsubstantial, foolish, joyous days +were those! How did I idolize the girl, whom I had +won, as a heathen worships his household god.</p> + +<p>"'At length a fearful epidemic swept the country; +my father was one of the first victims, and my heartbroken +mother soon followed him, bequeathing us her +dying benediction. It was my first trial, and in the +bitterness of my grief, I left the familiar scenes of my +boyhood. To this spot I came with my beautiful wife +and built this cabin, resolving to spend the remainder +of my days in these soothing solitudes. But my fate +was yet to be accomplished. My father's employer +found me out, and sent a message, earnestly requesting +me to become his steward. Yielding to the importunities +of my wife—for I could refuse her nothing—I +accepted the proposal, and journeyed back to +Transylvania with a heavy heart; for a cloud seemed +hanging over me, a presentiment of sorrow to come. +The nobleman received me more as an equal than as a +servant, and uttered many encomiums on my father's +worth, which could not but prove grateful to a heart +like mine. I loved and honored him at once; and resolved +to testify my gratitudë by a faithful discharge +of my duties. He was still a young man, but I felt no +jealousy, when the idol of my heart praised him, blind +wretch that I was! At length, the cloud, so long +forming, burst over me in a flood of misery. Almost +immediately after the birth of our daughter, the father +<!--350.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[p. 351]</a></span> +of my Marcella came to me and imparted a secret that +almost deprived me of my senses. Poor old man! +he thought I knew all before, and my ravings filled +him with alarm. Frantically I swore revenge, and +with murder in my heart, was about to seek the destroyer +of my peace; but the old man restrained me, +and after a violent debate, I resolved to say nothing to +my wife about the matter, and kept a strict watch +upon her. Alas! her father's suspicions proved too +just. I surprised her in company with her paramour, +and after loading them with the bitterest curses, took +my daughter and returned to the hut under the cliff. +My whole life was blighted, every hope was crushed; +but the very madness of my despair gave me strength, +and I swore vengeance on my enemy. On the evening +of that fearful day, after lulling my unfortunate +child to sleep, I knelt down on the flat stone before +you, and in the fervor of delirium, called upon <i>The +Spirits of Hartz Mountains</i> for aid. Scarcely had +the sacrilegious petition left my lips, when there came +a gentle knocking at the door, accompanied by a shrill +bugle note, signifying bewilderment in the forest. +Like one in a dream, I answered the mysterious summons, +and immediately a White Fawn bounded into +the hut, followed by a tall stranger, wrapped in a +cloak of fine material.</p> + +<p>"'"You called me and I have come," he said, in +tones that made me shudder, and peer into his +eyes, in which there was a fearful fascination which I +could not resist.</p> + +<p>"'"Who are you?" I managed to articulate.</p> + +<p>"'"Varno of The Black Forest," he answered, in a +<!--351.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[p. 352]</a></span> +voice of rolling thunder. I know not why it was, but +at his reply my fear vanished, and my wrongs arose +before me in their darkest coloring.</p> + +<p>"'"Can you aid me?" I asked, returning his piercing +glance. Never shall I forget the fearful distinctness +with which he said:</p> + +<p>"'"Hermann Vandervelt, I know what you would +require of me, and you shall be satisfied, <i>but there is a +price attached to my services</i>; three requests shall be +granted, and then <i>you must be mine, soul and body</i>. +Will you swear to this?"</p> + +<p>"'Like a maniac, I fell upon my knees before the +stranger, shouting, in the height of passion: "Grant +me but <i>revenge</i> upon the betrayer of my honor, and I +will be yours, eternally yours, soul and body yours; +I swear by the God who—"</p> + +<p>"'"Silence!" thundered the stranger, his eyes +glowing like coals of withering, devouring fire.</p> + +<p>"'"Hermann, you must swear by the <i>Spirits +of Hartz Mountains</i>." Wrought up to frenzy, I +obeyed him. He dictated a fearful oath, and when +I had repeated it, he said, in tones that froze my +blood:</p> + +<p>"'"Hermann Vandervelt, take your rifle and seek +your enemy; he shall fall by your hand. I will leave +you this animal (pointing to the fawn,) and when you +would see me, let it return to the forest. Remember, +I have granted <i>one</i> request; <i>two</i> more shall be granted, +<i>and then you will be mine</i>."</p> + +<p>"'His horrid laugh is still ringing in my ears. In +silence, I opened the door, and beheld, dimly through +the darkness, a tall steed with blazing eyes, standing +<!--352.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[p. 353]</a></span> +motionless upon the plain. As the stranger passed +me, a momentary chill, like that of the grave, fell +upon me; he mounted, and I saw him no longer. +Grasping my rifle, I fled through the darkness like +a fiend of blood, the White Fawn following my footsteps +like a hound. No rest, no meat, did I take until +I saw my enemy lying before me, bleeding to death, +while the Fawn lapped his blood.</p> + +<p>"'"I am Hermann!" I shouted in his ears, and then +flew back wildly, as I came. My child was nearly +dead from neglect when I returned from the doubly-cursed +spot; but I tended her faithfully, and she soon +went forth with me to the forest; and the White +Fawn never left her side.</p> + +<p>"'I was a successful hunter at first; but suddenly +my fortune changed, and I could get no more food. +Then was the spell of madness on me once more, and +<i>I set the White Fawn free</i>. Again there came a +knocking at the door; again the Fawn sprang in, followed +by its master. <i>My second request was granted—there +remains but one more!</i> From that night my +familiar has met me on the borders of the Black +Forest nightly, and the darkest depths are filled with +game for me. Such is my story, Wilhelm, and here, +on my bosom, reposes the child of my affection. Speak +boldly, as becomes a man; would you wed the daughter +of <i>Hermann, the Demented</i>?'</p> + +<p>"While the old man related his fearful story, various +emotions were apparent on the handsome face of +Wilhelm, but at its conclusion unwavering resolution +was stamped upon his features.</p> + +<p>"'Hermann!' he said, extending his right hand to +<!--353.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[p. 354]</a></span> +the old hunter, 'I sincerely pity you as the victim of +circumstances, but the blight does not touch Marcella; +I love her more dearly than ever, and if you will give +her to me, she shall find in me a husband who would +shed his last drop of blood for her.'</p> + +<p>"'Wilhelm, you are worthy of my child, take her and +may heaven grant you the blessings it has denied to +me. Bring a holy man here to-morrow, and make her +rightly yours. I would see her happy before I—' He +suddenly paused, placed his weeping daughter in her +lover's arms, and turned aside to hide the starting +tear.</p> + +<p>"Soon Wilhelm was wending his way over the plain, +and the innocent Marcella retired to her narrow apartment +of wolf skins; but the old man sat with his face beneath +the lamp, and the White Fawn crouched beside +him. Long did he meditate through the lonely watches +of the night, and the sweat of agony stood upon his +temples. Slowly did he stagger to where the wolf +skins hung, and raising them in his trembling hands, +dwelt mournfully upon the picture before him. There, +on her couch, in all the artless grace of slumber, lay +the only being on earth whom he loved. One faultless +arm was hidden beneath the pillow, the other half +shadowed her face, and bore a glossy veil of flaxen +curls. Her ruby lips were apart, as though she had +fallen asleep while yet the evening prayer was on her +tongue. Dimly streamed the light of the swinging +lamp upon the human temple of purity, and Hermann, +the Demented, wept like an artless child.</p> + +<p>"'It must be done—<i>it is the last</i>,' he murmured, +<!--354.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[p. 355]</a></span> +dropping the rude partition, and quickly opening the +cabin door.</p> + +<p>"Swift as the meteor falling through the shades of +night, flew the White Fawn out into the darkness, +with a plaintive cry. With bowed head the old man +clasped his hands and listened. He hears a shot, a +bugle note echoes through the dew-ladened air, and the +ghostly rider is again at his door.</p> + +<p>"'You sent for me, and I am here,' said Varno, entering +the cabin, and casting the White Fawn cold +and dead, upon the floor.</p> + +<p>"'I ask your aid!' said Hermann firmly.</p> + +<p>"'Remember, it is <i>the third and last time</i>,' muttered +the stranger.</p> + +<p>"'I will fulfil my oath. Grant me my wish.'</p> + +<p>"'<i>Beware!</i>' thundered the other.</p> + +<p>"'Speak not so loudly, or you will wake my child,' +said the hunter, gazing fearfully toward where Marcella +slept.</p> + +<p>"'Fear not, good Hermann, the sleep of the innocent +cannot be disturbed by a Spirit of Evil. Declare +your wish and it shall be granted.'</p> + +<p>"'Then hear me, fiend, devil, or whatever thou art! +I would have my child happy; I would have her husband +ever warm in his love for her as he is this moment; +I would have the curse of her parents forever +averted from her head. Grant me this and I am +thine.'</p> + +<p>"'It shall be so,' answered Varno, with something +like pity in his tones. 'Thou must meet me at sunset +on the evening of to-morrow, beside the <i>Witch's Circle</i>—there +<!--355.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[p. 356]</a></span> +shall our compact be fulfilled. <i>This is the +third and last. Remember.</i></p> + +<p>"The dark spirit passed from the hut under the cliff +but his shadow lingered behind; and the old hunter +knelt beneath the swinging lamp, with the dead fawn +at his feet, desolate and lone.</p> + +<p>"The day smiled brightly on Marcella, the genial +sunbeams dispelling night's horrors. She looked sadly +when her father told her how the White Fawn had +been wounded by some wandering hunter, and had +sought the hut to die there; but the presence of Wilhelm +made her cheerful as the morn, and Hermann felt rewarded +for his sacrifice.</p> + +<p>"A missionary monk stood within the old cabin, +and said the words that joined two lives in one. When +the holy rite was finished, the wedded pair knelt at +the feet of The Demented, and called down Heaven's +richest blessings on his head; but alas! he could not +say 'Amen,' for he remembered his compact, and the +words of Varno still rang in his ears. He watched his +child with more than earthly care till the sun began +to sink once more behind the Black Forest, then seizing +his rifle, he kissed her blushing cheek, and sallied +forth toward the mountains.</p> + +<p>"'Dear father, may you soon give up such unholy +pastimes,' murmured Marcella, looking fondly after +him as his grey hairs floated in the wind.</p> + +<p>"'God grant that he may,' murmured her husband, +fervently, pressing her to his heart.</p> + +<p>"But the old hunter returned no more. The wolf started +as he lay in his lair, when a man rushed by his covert +in the Black Forest. A bugle, wildly sounded, awoke +<!--356.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[p. 357]</a></span> +the bird in his leafy bower. Two men met at the +Witch's Circle, while a day was dying, and the shades +of the wood closed over them forever."</p> + +<div class="center"><pre> * * * * *</pre></div> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, contemplatively,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--357.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[p. 358]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXIX" id="LETTER_LXXIX"></a>LETTER LXXIX.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A +STRANGE BLUNDER; HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL +BRIGADE WAS REMOVED AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH +AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE.</p></div> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, November 15th, 1862.<br /> +</p> + +<p>As I calmly observe the present situation of our military +affairs, my boy, and consider how persistently the +Blue Ridge continues to get between our great strategic +army and the dilapidated Southern Confederacy, I +am impressed with the idea that the salvation of our +distracted country demands the removal of either the +Blue Ridge or the beloved General of the Mackerel +Brigade.</p> + +<p>I admit, my boy, that the Mackerel Brigade has +spent time enough in one locality since the last battle +to remove the incompetent and imbecile Blue Ridge, +and that the immense number of spades consigned to +that veteran <i>corps</i> might be construed into the belief +that they were really engaged in that great stragetic +task. Furthermore, that the Mackerels have only succeeded +in marching fifteen miles in six weeks, legitimates +the supposition that they are going up very steep +hills; but it must be borne in mind, my boy, that it is +<!--358.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[p. 359]</a></span> +the Honest Abe's best policy to conciliate all political +parties for the sake of Northern unity of action, +and it cannot be doubted that the removal of the Blue +Ridge at this crisis would occasion the bitterest heart-burnings +and jealousies in the manly bosom of our nation's +Democratic organization. It would be construed +into proof that the Honest Abe had yielded to +the fiendish clamor of the crazy Abolitionists, and had +rendered a restoration of the adored Union-as-it-Was +of our forefathers impossible, by destroying that Blue +Ridge which was an essential part of the Union. The +manly Organization, my boy, would prefer an armistice +with the unseemly Confederacy to a removal of +the Blue Ridge—a removal, my boy, authorized neither +by the Constitution, the pursuit of happiness, nor the +rights of man. The Blue Ridge is at the head of our +army, and our army is at the foot of the Blue Ridge. +The mistaken Confederacy is on the other side, my boy, +and the Organization very justly reasons, that the +fiendish Abolitionists virtually confess themselves to +be, in heart, on the same side with the Confederacy; +for if their desired removal of the Blue Ridge were +carried out, the distinction of the two opposite sides +would be practically lost, and the United States of +America and the Southern Confederacy would be all +on one side, and there might be an unconstitutional +collision.</p> + +<p>Hence, my boy, the Honest Abe has concluded to +leave the Blue Ridge where it is, and remove the idolized +General of the Mackerel Brigade.</p> + +<p>But before I proceed to describe the inexpressible +anguish produced by the adoption of even this grievous +<!--359.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[p. 360]</a></span> +alternative, permit me to record the useful proceedings +of the National Insanitary Committee, in their +philanthropical investigation of the lunacy now prevailing +to an alarming extent in the Army of Accomac.</p> + +<p>For some weeks past, my boy, insanity has been +frightfully upon the increase in the ranks of the unconquerable +Mackerel Brigade. Many Mackerels have +even gone raving at times, persisting in the vague and +incoherent exclamation that they "<i>Couldn't See It</i>." +There was some hope that this terrible mental aberration +might be stayed, if the superannuated <i>corps</i> were +supplied with spectacles; but the relief thus given was +only temporary; and finally, when one of the poor maniac +chaps went so far as to yell, that, even by the aid of +his spectacles, he couldn't see what was the use of butting +against the Blue Ridge all the time, it was deemed +proper to call in the National Insanitary Committee.</p> + +<p>Captain Samyule Sa-mith, whose duty it was to draw +the Brigade up in two lines—the sane chaps on one +side of the fence, and the insane on the other—hastened +back to Accomac to finish a game of "Old Sledge," on +which four drinks were distinctly pending, and left +the aged Committee to perform its task at leisure.</p> + +<p>In anticipation of this sad ceremony, my boy, I had +sent my architectural steed, the gothic Pegasus, down to +Accomac, and thither I went on Tuesday morning, to +amble totteringly from thence to the scene of Insanitary +proceedings.</p> + +<p>The Committee had just commenced work upon its +line of chaps, and was examining the patients one by +one. +<!--360.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[p. 361]</a></span></p> + +<p>The first invalid, Lively Mike, was born in the Sixth +Ward, and weighed ninety-two pounds. He was a +poor, slouching chap, my boy, resembling poverty's +Ruin, two-thirds covered by an ivy vine of rags. His +angular countenance was rich with unwashings, save a +clean irregular circle just around his ugly mouth.</p> + +<p>I asked how it happened that this one part of his +face was clean, when all the rest was dirty; and they +told me, my boy, that it was the place where his poor +old mother had kissed him at parting.</p> + +<p>Lively Mike's first symptom of his dreadful malady +was a feeling of overwhelming weariness, as though he +had been for a long time in one spot doing nothing. +The feeling deepened into sullen, dangerous madness, +until it was finally unsafe to let him go at large, as he +had several times attempted to shoot scouting Confederacies.</p> + +<p>The next hopeless patient was Big-nose Jake. Born +at the commencement of his career in the Sixth Ward, +and weighing ninety-four pounds without his knapsack, +Big-nose had always enjoyed good health, with +the exception of starvation; but was in the habit of +muttering to himself that Strategy was a great humbug, +and he'd rather die at home in his bunk in the +engine-house than in a swamp, without a single fire in +six months. His only way of keeping warm was by +occasionally huddling up to a Confederate picket, and +receiving <i>his</i> fire.</p> + +<p>No. 3 was Baby Jim, a resident of the Sixth Ward +for many years, and weighing ninety-one pounds. His +first attack of his malady came in the shape of an incoherent +and irrepressible desire to get up a Directory +<!--361.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[p. 362]</a></span> +of Army Names, so that the families of Mackerels in +the Army of Accomac might know where their relatives +were, and how old they had got to be. Sometimes +he would be suddenly seized with the absurd +notion that the General of the Mackerel Brigade was +killing more men by strategy than would be slain in +fifty battles.</p> + +<p>Another hapless maniac was Cross-eyed Tom. His +family is well known in the Sixth Ward; weight, +ninety-seven pounds. Always enjoyed excellent health, +until one day, when it suddenly struck him—uncalled-for, +as it were—that he hadn't seen the Colonel of his +regiment for six months. The demon of insanity +tempted him to believe that his Colonel had all along +been drinking bad gin and threatening to resign, in +Washington, instead of staying with his men and getting +acquainted with them. He knew that he must +be entirely mistaken about this, but couldn't shake off +the horrible delusion.</p> + +<p>A fifth lunatic was the Worth street Chicken. Had +voted several times a day in the Sixth Ward, and +weighed ninety-nine pounds. The Chicken could not +say that he was really a sick man; but had moments +when he could not resist the malignant temptation to +imagine, that the celebrated Southern Confederacy was +just as even with us now as it was a year ago, with +several majestic raids for small trumps. At times he +was troubled with bad dreams about all the Treasury +Notes becoming worthless if the General of the Mackerel +Brigade went into winter quarters.</p> + +<p>And so the Insanitary Committee went down the +whole line, my boy, closely questioning the poor chaps +<!--362.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[p. 363]</a></span> +who had lost their reason, and eliciting continued +proofs of the national ravages of Insanity.</p> + +<p>"Truly," says the chief Insanitary chap, cleaning his +nails with his jack-knife; "truly these unhappy beings +are hopelessly deranged, and must be sent to the Asylum. +Their ravings are beyond all precedent."</p> + +<p>Just as he finished speaking, my boy, and whilst he +was picking his teeth to assist meditation, Captain Samyule +Sa-mith came riding hastily in from his successful +game of "Old Sledge," bringing the stakes with him, +and says he:</p> + +<p>"Well, old Medicusses, have you examined the beings +which is unhappily bereft of sense?"</p> + +<p>"Yea," says the Insanitary chap, with a grievous +groan, "we've examined all those poor creatures, in +that whole line, and find them all hopelessly and incurably +mad."</p> + +<p>Samyule gave such a start that he split one of his +boots, and says he:</p> + +<p>"<i>Which</i> line?"</p> + +<p>"Why, that line there," says the chap, pointing.</p> + +<p>"By all that's Federal!" says Samyule, slapping his +left leg; "I'll be blessed if you old goslings hav'n't +been examining the WRONG LINE! Them veterans +there are the <i>sane</i> ones!"</p> + +<p>Insanity, my boy, like Charity, so seldom begins at +home, that we sometimes mistake the best kind of sanity +for it when we meet the latter, as a stranger, +abroad. The man we call a maniac is frequently nothing +more than a sane man seen through a maniac's +spectacles.</p> + +<p>But the whole body of Mackerels, sane and insane +<!--363.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[p. 364]</a></span> +alike, unite in a feeling of strong anguish blended with +enthusiasm, at the removal of the beloved General of +the Mackerel Brigade. He has been so much a Father +to them all, that they never expected to get a step farther +while he was with them.</p> + +<p>There's a piece of domestic philosophy for you, my +boy.</p> + +<p>When the General heard of his removal, my boy, he +said that it was like divorcing a husband from a wife, +who had always supported him, and immediately let +fly the following</p> + +<p class="gentitle"> +<span class="smcap">Farewell Address.</span><br /> +<br /> +<i>Head-quarters of the Army of Accomac,<br /> +Foot of the Blue Ridge.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">My Children:</span> +</p> + +<p>An order from the Honest Abe divorces us, and +gives the command of all these attached beings to Major-General +Wobert Wobinson. (Heartrending and +enthusiastic cheers.)</p> + +<p>In parting with you, I cannot express how much I +love your dear bosoms. As an army, you have grown +from youth to old age under my care. In you I have +never found doubt nor coldness, nor anything else. +The victories you have won under my command will +live in the nation's works of fiction. The strategy we +have achieved, the graves of many unripe Mackerels, +the broken forms of those disabled by the Emancipation +Proclamation—the strongest associations that can +<!--364.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[p. 365]</a></span> +exist among men—still make it advisable that you +should vote for me as President of the United States +in 1865. Thus we shall ever be comrades in supporting +the Constitution, and making the Constitution support +us.</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">The General of the Mackerel Brigade.</span><br /> +[Green Seal.]<br /> +</p> + +<p>It was while this affecting document was being read +to the Army, my boy, that a procession of political +chaps with banners and a small cannon, landed from a +boat on Awlkwyet River, and came filing affably into +camp. Only pausing to insult two correspondents of +the <i>Tribune</i>, and to fire the cannon so close to a farmhouse +that it broke all the windows, these pleasant +chaps at once organized a meeting and gave orders +that all fighting should be postponed till after the +session.</p> + +<p>The Hon. Mr. X. Stream proceeded to say that he +considered Mr. Lincoln a strictly honest, upright, able, +and noble-hearted man (cheers); but it could not be +denied that his Administration was a wretched failure—a +blending of brutal imbecility with hellish despotism. +(Much enthusiasm). While it continued so, +everything in the stock-market would go up—<i>up</i>—<span class="smcap">UP</span>! +until the bubble burst. The General of the Mackerel +Brigade had been removed (universal sobbing) but it +was only that he might shine the brighter before a +Democratic Convention in 1865.</p> + +<p>The Hon. Prince Van Brumagen next spoke. Undoubtedly, +he would be called a traitor for what he +<!--365.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[p. 366]</a></span> +was about to say, but he was accustomed to that sort +of talk from every one who knew him. He wished to +see this war vigorously pushed forward; but he could +never consent to see violence offered to men who only +warred against us because they were mistaken. Our +Southern friends had imagined that the Abolitionists +wanted to prevent their enjoyment of the pursuit of +happiness which was guaranteed to them by the Constitution. +They were mistaken, and seceded. The +Union as it was had passed away from us, but was undoubtedly +somewhere on the Globe; and as the Globe +was constantly revolving, we had only to stand still, +and it would come round again to us in due time.</p> + +<p>The Hon. Fernando Fuel next undressed his thoughts +to the meeting. As proprietor of the City of New +York, which he had frequently bought, he protested +against the removal of the General of the Mackerel +Brigade at this inclement season of the year. The +idolized General was beloved even by the Rebels, and +his own devoted troops had cheered even louder when +parting with him, if possible, than when he had first +come among them.</p> + +<p>Here the speaker was interrupted by a chap who +suddenly touched off the cannon and simultaneously +unfurled a new banner. Borrowing a piece of smoked +glass, I looked through it at the dazzling standard, and +read upon its eloquent folds: +<!--366.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[p. 367]</a></span></p> + +<div class="center" style="width: 25em; margin: auto; border: dotted 2px; padding: 1em;"> +<span style="line-height: 2em;"> +REGULAR HIGH-MORAL NOMINATIONS!<br /> +<br /> +FOR THE SENATE IMMEDIATELY;<br /> +AND<br /> +FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN 1865.<br /> +THE (<span style="font-size: 0.6em">LATE</span>) GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. +</span> +</div> + +<p>Observe, my boy, this simple rule, to make a hero +of a fool:</p> + +<p>Just keep him where he is, until his lack of wisdom, +want of Skill, attract unto his banner those who, from +perverseness, <i>will</i> have foes. Then freely make his +dullness known; and when you'd cast him from his +throne, you'll find become <i>his</i> followers true, all men +who seek a feud with <i>you</i>. To serve the always-malcontent, +and give their spleen a chance for vent, a +knave, a dunce, a stump! would do as well, my boy, +as I, or you.</p> + +<p>When cats and politicians quarrel, "use any cat's-paw", +is the moral.</p> + +<p class="right"> +Yours, sagely,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<!--368.png--> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/i_368.png" width="116" height="90" title="Publisher's Emblem" alt="Publisher's Emblem" /> +</div> + +<p class="center" style="font-size: 1.5em"> +NEW BOOKS<br /> +<br /> +And New Editions Recently Issued by<br /> +<br /> +CARLETON, PUBLISHER,<br /> +<br /> +<span style="font-size: 0.7em">(Late RUDD & CARLETON,)<br /> +<br /> +<i>413 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.</i><br /></span> +</p> + +<p class="center" style="font-size: 0.8em">N.B.—<span class="smcap">The Publisher</span>, upon receipt of the price in advance, will send any +of the following Books,<br />by mail, <span class="smcap">POSTAGE FREE</span>, to any part of the United States. +This convenient and very safe mode may be<br />adopted when the neighboring Booksellers +are not supplied with the desired work. State name and address in full.</p> + + +<h4>Les Miserables.</h4> + + +<p class="center">Victor Hugo's great novel—the only complete unabridged translation.<br /> +Library Edition. Five vols. 12mo. cloth, each, $1.00.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The same, five vols. 8vo. cloth, $1.00. Paper covers, 50 cts.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The same, (cheap ed.) 1 vol. 8vo. cloth, $1.50. paper, $1.00.</span><br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Les Miserables—Illustrations.</h4> + +<p class="center">26 photographic illustrations, by Brion. Elegant quarto, $3.00. +</p> + + +<h4>Among the Pines,</h4> + +<p class="center">or, Down South in Secession Time. Cloth, $1.00, paper, 75 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>My Southern Friends.</h4> + +<p class="center">By author of "Among the Pines." Cloth, $1.00. paper, 75 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Rutledge.</h4> + +<p class="center">A powerful American novel, by an unknown author, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Sutherlands.</h4> + +<p class="center">The new novel by the popular author of "Rutledge," $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Habits of Good Society.</h4> + +<p class="center">A hand-book for ladies and gentlemen. Best, wittiest, most<br /> +entertaining work on taste and good manners ever printed, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Cloister and the Hearth.</h4> + +<p class="center">A magnificent new historical novel, by Charles Reade, author<br /> +of "Peg Woffington," etc., cloth, $1.50, paper covers, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Beulah.</h4> + +<p class="center">A novel of remarkable power, by Miss A. J. Evans. $1.50.<br /> +</p> +<!--369.png--> + +<h4>Artemus Ward, His Book.</h4> + +<p class="center">The racy writings of this humorous author. Illustrated, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Old Merchants of New York.</h4> + +<p class="center">Entertaining reminiscences of ancient mercantile New York<br /> +City, by "Walter Barrett, clerk." First Series. $1.50 each.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Like and Unlike.</h4> + +<p class="center">Novel by A. S. Roe, author of "I've been thinking," &c. $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Orpheus C. Kerr Papers.</h4> + +<p class="center">Second series of letters by this comic military authority. $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Marian Grey.</h4> + + + +<p class="center">New domestic novel, by the author of "Lena Rivers," etc. $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Lena Rivers.</h4> + +<p class="center">A popular American novel, by Mrs. Mary J. Holmes, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>A Book about Doctors.</h4> + +<p class="center">An entertaining volume about the medical profession. $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Adventures of Verdant Green.</h4> + +<p class="center">Humorous novel of English College life. Illustrated. $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Culprit Fay.</h4> + +<p class="center">Joseph Rodman Drake's faery poem, elegantly printed, 50 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Doctor Antonio.</h4> + +<p class="center">A charming love-tale of Italian life, by G. Ruffini, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Lavinia.</h4> + +<p class="center">A new love-story, by the author of "Doctor Antonio," $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Dear Experience.</h4> + +<p class="center">An amusing Parisian novel, by author "Doctor Antonio," $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Life of Alexander Von Humboldt.</h4> + +<p class="center">A new and popular biography of this <i>savant</i>, including his<br /> +travels and labors, with introduction by Bayard Taylor, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Love (L'Amour.)</h4> + +<p class="center">A remarkable volume, from the French of Michelet. $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Woman (La Femme.)</h4> + +<p class="center">A continuation of "Love (L'Amour)," by same author, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Sea (La Mer.)</h4> + +<p class="center">New work by Michelet, author "Love" and "Woman," $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Moral History of Woman.</h4> + +<p class="center">Companion to Michelet's "L'Amour," from the French, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Mother Goose for Grown Folks.</h4> + +<p class="center">Humorous and satirical rhymes for grown people, 75 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Kelly's and the O'Kelly's.</h4> + +<p class="center">Novel by Anthony Trollope, author of "Doctor Thorne," $1.50.<br /> +</p> +<!--370.png--> + +<h4>The Great Tribulation.</h4> + +<p class="center">Or, Things coming on the earth, by Rev. John Cumming, D.D.,<br /> +author "Apocalyptic Sketches," etc., two series, each $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Great Preparation.</h4> + +<p class="center">Or, Redemption draweth nigh, by Rev. John Cumming, D.D.,<br /> +author "The Great Tribulation," etc., two series, each $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Great Consummation.</h4> + +<p class="center">Sequel "Great Tribulation," Dr. Cumming, two series, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Teach us to Pray.</h4> + +<p class="center">A new work on The Lord's Prayer, by Dr. Cumming, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Slave Power.</h4> + +<p class="center">By Jas. E. Cairnes, of Dublin University, Lond. ed. $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Game Fish of the North.</h4> + +<p class="center">A sporting work for Northern States and Canada. Illus., $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Drifting About.</h4> + +<p class="center">By Stephen C. Massett ("Jeemes Pipes"), illustrated, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Flying Dutchman.</h4> + +<p class="center">A humorous Poem by John G. Saxe, with illustrations, 50 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Notes on Shakspeare.</h4> + +<p class="center">By Jas. H. Hackett, the American Comedian (portrait), $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Spirit of Hebrew Poetry.</h4> + +<p class="center">By Isaac Taylor, author "History of Enthusiasm," etc., $2.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>A Life of Hugh Miller.</h4> + +<p class="center">Author of "Testimony of the Rocks," &c., new edition, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>A Woman's Thoughts about Women.</h4> + +<p class="center">By Miss Dinah Mulock, author of "John Halifax," etc., $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Curiosities of Natural History.</h4> + +<p class="center">An entertaining vol., by F. T. Buckland; two series, each $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Partisan Leader.</h4> + +<p class="center">Beverley Tucker's notorious Southern Disunion novel, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Cesar Birotteau.</h4> + +<p class="center">First of a series of Honore de Balzac's best French novels, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Petty Annoyances of Married Life.</h4> + +<p class="center">The second of the series of Balzac's best French novels, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Alchemist.</h4> + +<p class="center">The third of the series of the best of Balzac's novels, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Eugenie Grandet.</h4> + +<p class="center">The fourth of the series of Balzac's best French novels, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The National School for the Soldier.</h4> + +<p class="center">Elementary work for the soldier; by Capt. Van Ness, 50 cts.<br /> +</p> +<!--371.png--> + +<h4>Tom Tiddler's Ground.</h4> + +<p class="center">Charles Dickens's new Christmas Story, paper cover, 25 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>National Hymns.</h4> + +<p class="center">An essay by Richard Grant White. 8vo. embellished, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>George Brimley.</h4> + +<p class="center">Literary Essays reprinted from the British Quarterlies, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Thomas Bailey Aldrich.</h4> + +<p class="center">First complete collection of Poems, blue and gold binding, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Out of His Head.</h4> + +<p class="center">A strange and eccentric romance by T. B. Aldrich, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Course of True Love.</h4> + +<p class="center">Never did run smooth. A Poem by Thomas B. Aldrich, 50 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Poems of a Year.</h4> + +<p class="center">By Thomas B. Aldrich, author of "Babie Bell," &c., 75 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The King's Bell.</h4> + +<p class="center">A Mediæval Legend in verse, by R. H. Stoddard, 75 cts.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Morgesons.</h4> + +<p class="center">A clever novel of American Life, by Mrs. R. H. Stoddard, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Beatrice Cenci.</h4> + +<p class="center">An historical novel by F. D. Guerrazzi, from the Italian, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Isabella Orsini.</h4> + +<p class="center">An historical novel by the author of "Beatrice Cenci," $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>A Popular Treatise on Deafness.</h4> + +<p class="center">For individuals and families, by E. B. Lighthill, M.D., $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Oriental Harems and Scenery.</h4> + +<p class="center">A gossipy work, translated from the French of Belgiojoso, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Lola Montez.</h4> + +<p class="center">Her lectures and autobiography, with a steel portrait, $1.25.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>John Doe and Richard Roe.</h4> + +<p class="center">A novel of New York city life, by Edward S. Gould, $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Doesticks' Letters.</h4> + +<p class="center">The original letters of this great humorist, illustrated, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Plu-ri-bus-tah.</h4> + +<p class="center">A comic history of America, by "Doesticks," illus., $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Elephant Club.</h4> + +<p class="center">A humorous description of club-life, by "Doesticks," $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>Vernon Grove.</h4> + +<p class="center">A novel by Mrs. Caroline H. Glover, Charleston, S. C., $1.00.<br /> +</p> + + +<h4>The Book of Chess Literature.</h4> + +<p class="center">A complete Encyclopædia of this subject, by D. W. Fiske, $1.50.<br /> +</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div><a name="Corrections" id="Corrections"></a></div> +<pre> +Transcriber's Note: Blank pages have been deleted. Illustrations may +have been moved. Discovered publisher's punctuation errors have been +corrected. In addition, the following errors have been corrected: + + p. 25: salt--which is verydear[very dear] here just + p. 27: for mr. bob peter's[peters'] "hours" at home were + p. 29: connection with the childrem[children] of ham, it + p. 33: south. after this overpowing[overpowering] revelation, it was + p. 33: that mr. bob peter's[peters'] presentation to + p. 37: in the heavy dalies,[dailies] and philosophical poetry + p. 56: the account of mr. peter's[peters'] arrest in the + p. 61: a musket ball be's[he's] comin' shtraight to + p. 66: making a rapid retrogade[retrograde] movement, when villiam + p. 74: i made a reconnoisance[reconnoissance] in force, on + p. 79: have sometimes feared, by[my] boy, that our + p. 97: moral drama by captaim[captain] villiam brown. + p. 105: second regular meeting ot[of] the cosmopolitan club, + p. 106: electrified by the treaures[treasures] of british literature + p. 118: wink at secession symphathizers[sympathizers]. it takes so + p. 129: the veteran mackerel signed[sighed] deeply, as he spread open + p. 138: a horse physically incapacited[incapacitated] from running away + p. 143: great original and geniune[genuine] 'tis he; a + p. 151: of life when women[woman] usually becomes the principal + p. 154: far out-sped my pusuers[pursuers]; but human nature + p. 154: dearly, i was abont[about] to stand at bay, + p. 161: masses over my throbing[throbbing] brow, the cowardly + p. 163: bosom, and the stilletto[stiletto] in her hand. + p. 168: of the skillful retrogade[retrograde] advance to which i + p. 169: beheld the idolized genral[general] of the mackerel brigade + p. 172: says the geneneral[general], with paternal affability + p. 174: in which our co respondent[correspondent] astonishes us by + p. 178: no "enigma," as voluutarily[voluntarily]-puzzled poets have + p. 183: money often does--brute insanity[brute-insanity] sometimes + p. 188: might cause a prostraton[prostration] in the liquor business, + p. 228: of captain samyule sa-smith[sa-mith] to perish heroically + p. 231: at paris and loudon[london], my boy, and the + p. 232: be outdone, the loudon[london] tumbler issued an + p. 235: the word, and instaneously[instantaneously] led company 2 down + p. 246: fords of allkwyet riyer[river], in the rear + p. 248: of the mackerel brigrade[brigade] will further recommend, + p. 250: than the most wierd[weird] and perpetual haze + p. 257: at the nether continnations[continuations] of our country's + p. 258: operations and entrap stonwall[stonewall] jackson's whole + p. 264: and he eat[ate] and drank with his visiter[visitor] + p. 266: willing hand in extacy[ecstasy]. 'then indeed have i + p. 272: "'five thousand doblas," answered nemly[nemyl], composedly. + p. 272: god; 'what an houri[hour]!' he exclaimed, kissing her + p. 276: are you--his--slave?' gasped gartstoff[garstoff], staggering + p. 277: two slaves will will[delete will] bring you to me. + p. 291: he took his deparure[departure]. "then forth sprang orloff + p. 295: past; i am satified[satisfied] that you are a + p. 297: a moment of ungoverable[ungovernable] passion i spoke words + p. 298: for the unseemly villany[villainy] of the accursed + p. 302: bereaved country should sudnenly[suddenly] be called to + p. 308: from a cold potatoe[potato] which he held in + p. 313: feigns forgotten friends; grout[gout], grimly griping + p. 316: slept in the hous[house] to take care + p. 318: had the army being[been] insufficient to secure you, + p. 321: and make me turn [into] an arrogant and contemptuous + p. 325: language of an incedeniary[incendiary] description against + p. 325: of captains bob shortly[shorty], samyule sa-mith, + p. 327: court felt convinced that that[del 2nd that] the second + p. 326: ours, to investigate certing[certain] charges against + p. 331: with quivering watch-seal. onr[our] president, my boy, + p. 344: caressed the fawn. a[at] length she spoke: + p. 351: scarcely had the sacreligious[sacrilegious] petition left my + p. 350: "'"varno of het[the] black forest," he answered, + p. 355: night, flew the wbite[white] fawn out into the +</pre> + +<div><a href="#Start">Start of text.</a></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2, by +Robert H. Newell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS, SERIES 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 34754-h.htm or 34754-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/7/5/34754/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Henry Gardiner and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/34754-h/images/i_331.png b/34754-h/images/i_331.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..922c61e --- /dev/null +++ b/34754-h/images/i_331.png diff --git a/34754-h/images/i_368.png b/34754-h/images/i_368.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a22efd --- /dev/null +++ b/34754-h/images/i_368.png |
