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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Our Battalion, by Leonard Raven-Hill
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Our Battalion
+       Being Some Slight Impressions of His Majesty's Auxiliary Forces, in Camp and Elsewhere
+
+
+Author: Leonard Raven-Hill
+
+
+
+Release Date: October 22, 2010  [eBook #34115]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR BATTALION***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Marcia Brooks, Ross Cooling, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Canada Team (http://www.pgdpcanada.net) from page images
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+
+
+
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+
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+
+
+
+
+
+OUR BATTALION
+
+[Illustration]
+
+by
+
+L. RAVEN-HILL.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+"Punch" Office
+10, Bouverie Street
+London
+E.C.
+
+
+
+
+OUR BATTALION.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+[Illustration: The Whitefriars Press.]
+
+Bradbury, Agnew & Co., Ltd.,
+Printers,
+London and Tonbridge.
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: 3 a.m.
+
+  _Sentry_: "Sunrises are all bloomin' fine in their way, but I'd rather
+  be in bed."]
+
+
+
+
+OUR BATTALION
+
+Being some slight impressions of His Majesty's Auxiliary Forces,
+in Camp and Elsewhere.
+
+by
+
+L. RAVEN-HILL.
+
+
+_"An' you're sent to penny-fights an' Aldershot it."_
+
+RUDYARD KIPLING.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+London:
+"Punch" Office, 10, Bouverie St., E.C.
+1902.
+
+[_All Rights Reserved._]
+
+
+
+
+Contents.
+
+
+                                                   PAGE
+  Recruits                                            9
+
+  On Instructin'                                     14
+
+  The System                                         19
+
+  On the G.O.C.                                      28
+
+  The Seven Ages of the Volunteer                    32
+
+  What Might Happen                                  34
+
+  The Lost Patrol                                    47
+
+  Camp Diaries:
+
+     No. 1. Lt.-Col. Sir Digby Sandilands, M.P.      59
+
+     No. 2. Capt. and Adjt. "Jerry" Benson           66
+
+     No. 3. 2nd Lieutenant Fitzgerald Lawless        78
+
+     No. 4. Pte. Timothy Simmons                     93
+
+  Blank Cartridges                                  102
+
+
+
+
+Illustrations.
+
+
+                                                   PAGE
+
+  3 a.m.                                _Frontispiece._
+
+  The "Manual"                                       13
+
+  Not to be Trifled with                             17
+
+  Flag-wagging                                       18
+
+  Our First Puttie Parade                         24-25
+
+  Field Training                                     27
+
+  The Firing Exercise                                35
+
+  Our Review                                      40-41
+
+  Army Orders                                        43
+
+  Patrols                                            46
+
+  A Fair Samaritan                                   51
+
+  Our N.C.O.'s (No. 1)                               52
+
+  Our N.C.O.'s (No. 2)                               53
+
+  Hints for Patrols                                  54
+
+  The Best Laid Schemes, etc.                     56-57
+
+  A Conundrum                                        65
+
+  Studies                                            70
+
+  Ambushed                                        72-73
+
+  Field-Day Reflections                              75
+
+  Tactics                                            76
+
+  Field-Day Tragedies                                77
+
+  Philosophies                                       85
+
+  M.G.                                               86
+
+  More Army Reforms                               88-89
+
+  On Guard                                           91
+
+  A Misunderstanding                                 92
+
+  Outposts                                          101
+
+  At Last!                                      104-105
+
+  Off Duty                                          108
+
+  Trouble in the Band                               109
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Our Battalion.
+
+RECRUITS.
+
+
+The boy hesitated as he looked down the wet street of the little country
+town.
+
+"I've 'arf a mind not to go," he said, "blessed if I ain't----;" then,
+after a pause, with hands in pockets and coat collar turned up, he
+lounged off, muttering, "I'll see what Bill ses."
+
+Bill was waiting at the corner, looking somewhat sheepishly at the
+miscellaneous display in a "general" shop window.
+
+"Goin'?" he said, as the other came up. "Don't think I shall--at any
+rate not to-night."
+
+A depressing silence ensued, until a smart lad, with belt and bayonet,
+came by whistling and hailed them.
+
+"Wot O! Bill; you ought to be down at the ord'ly room by now, the
+sergeant's bin there ever so long. I told 'im I'd bring you two along
+to-night. Wot are you scared about?" he continued, eyeing them
+critically.
+
+"Ain't scared about nothing; we was only waiting till the rain cleared
+off."
+
+"Well, 'urry up, I've got to go to the Arm'ry."
+
+"All right," said the first boy. "Come on, Bill."
+
+The boys stared furtively round the orderly-room, a little box
+partitioned off from the disused malt-house that served as drill shed.
+On the walls were highly-coloured posters, setting forth the various
+advantages of his Majesty's services, while in the corner a jumble of
+arms and equipment and a half-opened case of rifles caused them to nudge
+each other. A huge Sergeant was writing at a table covered with Army
+forms, drill books, and parade registers, amongst which a couple of
+cartridges attracted their attention.
+
+"Ball cartridge, mark four," whispered the leading lad carelessly to the
+others.
+
+"Ullo, what's this?" said the Sergeant. "Recruits? That's right. Shut
+the door be'ind you, an' keep out the cold. I'm glad to see the lads
+about here is waking up, an' I wish more 'ud copy their example! Them
+cripples in the next village ain't got enough spirit to get up a
+dog-fight, let alone learn 'ow to 'andle a rifle; all they're fit for is
+funerals. Now let's look at you," he continued, and the deep-set grey
+eyes ran swiftly over the lads. "You'll do all right. Now, listen to me;
+afore ye signs on, I've got to read over a lot o' reg'lashuns to ye, so
+as you'll clearly understand what ye're promisin' to do. Now
+reg'lashuns is like Acts of Parlyment, no two persons can agree as to
+what they mean, so you won't understand them, probably; but that's not
+important, as my experience of the ways o' Gov'mint teaches me that
+they'll be altered shortly, so there's no need for ye to worry. But the
+_one_ thing ye have to do is, to do as ye're told; attend to that now.
+It's the blessid privilege of the volunteer to endeavour to make himself
+a soldier in spite of all obstacles, an' what the reg'lar takes months
+to learn, an' the militia weeks, 'e 'as to try and do in _days_, so 'tis
+no picnic if 'e's goin' to do 'is duty. An' duty don't mean church
+parades, an' the annual dinner, an' as little else as you can; duty
+means everything you can possibly do, an' it's the pride of a good lad,
+that if there's an extry job o' work to be done, e's the lad that'll do
+it; for there's none better than a keen Volunteer, an' no one worse than
+a slack one, that'll turn up smart when the drinks is free, but is most
+unduly anxious about 'is master's business on other occasions, a
+nuisince to 'is sergeant, 'is captin', 'is colonel, an' 'is country; an'
+if I thought you were that sort I'd send ye to the right-about now, but
+I think, by yer looks, ye have the makings o' soldiers. Now, if there's
+anything ye want to know, now's the time to ask. What's that? Ye don't
+know if ye're up to standard? Fancy a lad 'avin' the face to ask me
+that! Why, when I was a boy, with a couple o' corks in me heels, an' a
+wisp o' straw under me waistcut, I'd a' passed for a giant. When you've
+learnt to throw a chest and hold yer heads up, yer own mothers won't
+know yer. Now, after I've read over these 'ere reg'lashuns, ye'll sign
+these papers, an' when the doctor's passed you, go an' tell yer best
+girls that ye'll 'ave yer futtygraphs took d'rectly yer uniforms is
+ready. You will p'rade at seven o'clock, sharp, mind ye, nex' Monday."
+
+  [Illustration: "Tiny"]
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+"Recruitin's a funny business!" muttered the Sergeant; officially
+Colour-Sergeant Instructor of E Company 1st Downshire Volunteer Rifles,
+a Battalion scattered over half a county, unofficially "Tiny," for the
+most obvious reasons. "'Tis a funny business, at least in these parts;
+p'raps it's different in London and them 'ere big towns, but if we told
+'em all we was supposed to tell 'em, as it's laid down, 'twould frighten
+'arf of 'em off the job; while if yer tell 'em in their own way, yer can
+get 'em to do anything. They say ye must _lead_ a Volunteer, not _drive_
+'im, but 'pon me soul I think a judicious push is what 'e wants
+mostly."
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: The "Manual."
+
+  _Instructor:_ "Now the hobject of these 'ere hexercises is to
+  haccustom the recruit to 'is rifle so as 'e can 'andle it in a
+  light an' heasy manner, same as I do this 'ere cane."]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+ON INSTRUCTIN'.
+
+
+"Tiny" was in a shocking temper.
+
+"No one thinks 'igher of the Volunteers than I do," he said to the
+Junior Subaltern. "But now an' then they gives me the fair 'ump. Look at
+this 'ere las' business. Fust of all they 'olds out as they ought to be
+considered part of the country's forces, instead of being shoved out of
+the way, so to speak. Quite right. Bimeby along comes a reg'lashun as
+they don't like. Wot do they do then? Take it quiet like the harmy
+does, an' do the best they can? No, they writes to the papers and gets
+up in the 'Ouse and kicks up a row till it's knocked off. A reg'lashun
+_hain't_ a reg'lashun when it applies to Volunteers. If that's their
+notion o' discipline, no wonder the reg'lars looks down on 'em. What if
+it did send their numbers down a bit; the rest 'ud be all the better for
+it: some good men would 'ave to go, but you take it from me, Sir, the
+best of 'em would manage to stay. If a lad ain't fond enough of it to
+give up enough time to make a soldier of 'isself, 'e oughtn't to join,
+an' if there ain't enough of 'em who do it, the sooner they're made to
+the better; there's plenty as can find time enough for football or
+anything o' that sort, but duty don't suit them. 'It's a free country,'
+ses they. It is, Sir. It's a good deal too free in more ways than one.
+
+"Not but what you wants tact, Sir, in dealin' with Volunteers. For
+instance, you comes down to drill the recruits, an' instead of a crowd
+of intelligent lads, all anxious for to learn the rudiments o' squad
+drill, you find a lonely and depressed lookin' lad, that would 'ave
+recollected an engagement connected with a drink in about two minutes.
+Now, what are you to do? You can't call it a drill, and it'll take the
+heart out of 'im if you send 'im off. An' mind you, often it's none so
+easy in a country Battalion, with one company 'ere an' another there,
+an' a detachment in the nex' village, for the best of lads to put his
+drills in. There aint no drill 'alls with canteen attachments, and
+sergeants' mess, an' readin' rooms, so as a chap can pass a pleasant
+evening any time 'e likes; that's doin' it in style, Sir. But what are
+you goin' to do? 'Fall in,' ses you, 'an' dress by the right. Stop that
+talkin' in the ranks,' ses you. 'I'm glad to see there's _one_ recruit
+at least as is fond of 'is duty, tho' 'e'd look better,' ses you, 'if
+'e'd 'old 'is 'ead up. Now actin',' ses you, 'as a rear rank, the front
+rank not being in their places, and 'aving been numbered off from the
+right which you 'aven't, and supposin' the first two men is elsewhere,
+what would you do on the command "Form fours?" It's not a guessin'
+competition,' ses you. 'Don't know,' ses 'e. 'Well, you'll learn in
+time,' ses you. 'We will now proceed to something which is not laid down
+in the drill book, an' on which the Reg'lashuns,' ses you, 'is
+discreetly silent. Whenever you 'appen to be on sentry go an' the
+'armless passer by that 'as been celebratin' 'is birthday won't listen
+to yer words o' wisdom, but wants to 'ug you round the neck, don't bring
+yer baynit down to the charge, or any foolishness of that sort,
+although you've bin expressly told to do it, but gently but firmly drop
+the butt on 'is toes, an' you'll experience all the delight o' hurtin' a
+fellow creature, without,' ses you, 'any unpleasantness at the inquiry
+afterwards. Right turn. Dismiss,' ses you. 'Return the arms to the racks
+quietly an' without noise, an' tell the rest of the squad when you see
+'em that you know a bit more than they do.'"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Not to be trifled with.
+
+  _Sentry:_ "'Alt! who goes there?"
+
+  _Private:_ "Whoy, Jarge! Don't 'ee know I?"
+
+  _Sentry:_ "'Corse I do; but where be goin'?"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Flag-wagging.
+
+  _Newly-enlisted Yeoman:_ "Somebody--tell--those--silly--idiots--
+  to stop--frightenin'--my--horse!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+THE SYSTEM.
+
+
+"I don't know whether you've observed it or not, Sir," said "Tiny" to
+the Junior Subaltern, "but in this great an' glorious country no one
+ever starts on a job without providing 'imself with something to throw
+the blame on in case 'e loses the trick. Sometimes they blame procedure
+an' sometimes the Constitution; in our case 'tis the System. What that
+system is no one even pretends to know. In one respect it's like the
+Reg'lashuns; everybody starts off in the same way when discussing of
+'em. You never yet met anyone that didn't preface 'is remarks on the
+subject with 'As far as I can understand,' an' that's about as far as 'e
+_can_.
+
+"The ord'nary man that runs a bank, or a railway, or a hire-purchase
+pianner works, would think to 'isself, ''Ere's the old country, bless
+'er, an 'ere's the boys to defend 'er. Now, if the brutil an' licentious
+foe is dumped down on these 'ere shores, 'e won't go c'lectin' seaweed,
+neither will 'e pause for to admire the landscape, but, d'rectly the
+pistol's fired, 'e'll get off the mark, an' make a bee line for the
+winning post. Now the question is, can these boys stop 'im or can they
+not? If they can, they must be got ready for the job, an' if they can't,
+we ain't running a Charity Bazaar, and I ain't going to pay anything for
+what's worth nothing, so we'll 'ave to think up something else.' But
+that haint the way they looks at it, bless yer 'eart. 'Why, you've
+forgotten the votes,' ses the Gov'mint. 'What in the name o' goodness
+'as that got to do with it?' ses the plain man. 'Poor hinnocent
+creature!' ses the Gov'mint, an' turns an' addresses the deputation:--
+
+"'Friends! Fellow citizens! Gallant an' patriotic defenders of our
+island 'ome! You are unique in the history of this terrestral sphere.
+There is not another country,' ses he, 'as would treat you as you're
+treated here. Yer self-sacrificin' spirit is the joy o' me heart, an' if
+there's not enough troops to go round I will allow you to line the back
+streets when processions is on, but yer "present arms" is a disgrace an'
+yer marchin' past makes me cold down the spine. Yer shooting--well, we
+will pass that. But for your sense o' duty the curse of conscription
+would be weighin' on us, so let me point out the necessity of keeping
+your numbers up.'
+
+"But to answer the question of me noble friend, we 'ave not forgotten
+the great object for which you exist. In the disastrous an'
+unparalleled catastrophe of foreign invasion, which we 'ope will never
+come to pass, but which, if it does, we trust will happen when the
+Opposition is in power--if, I say, at that momentuous time, you should
+be found unequal to the task, our plans is made. If our opponents is in,
+we shall demand a General Election an' promptly proceed to throw them
+out; but, if by some mistake _we_ should be managing the vessel o' state
+at the time, we shall throw the blame on our predecessors for neglecting
+to train you properly. So our minds is easy as to the future. 'There's
+some guns we don't want in the corner, an' you can wear putties if you
+pay for them yourselves,' ses the Gov'mint, 'an' we trust to you to vote
+straight at the nex' Election.'
+
+"Then the Volunteer Off'cer, being by nature contrary, wants to know
+something about 'is duties an' ses to the Gov'mint, 'Yer remarks is
+excellent an' to the point, but what can I do to correct me errors?'
+'Anything you like,' ses the Gov'mint, cheerfully, 'that's not agin the
+Reg'lashuns.' 'I give up my time,' ses the Volunteer, 'an' pay for
+nearly everything out of my own pocket, an' I'm anxious for to learn,
+but I ain't a prophet,' ses 'e. 'Give me someone to teach me.' 'I'll do
+anything you like in reason,' ses the Gov'mint, 'but I will not train
+you.' 'Tell me how to teach myself, then,' ses the Volunteer. 'I don't
+know an' I don't care,' ses the Gov'mint, 'but I'll spare the time to
+examine you if you pay yer expenses. An' meanwhile I will regard you in
+the light of a nuisance.' An' so matters 'ave stood, the Volunteer
+trying to do 'is best an' the Gov'mint doin' its level to stop 'im at
+it.
+
+  [Illustration: "Very," ses the General.]
+
+"But now, along comes the General. 'Th' Army's not big enough,' 'e ses.
+'we must 'ave more men or I won't be responsible for breakages,' 'e ses.
+'Serious?' ses the Gov'mint. 'Very,' ses the General. 'What am I to do?'
+ses the Gov'mint. 'Conscrip,' ses the General. 'I daren't,' ses the
+Gov'mint in a whisper; 'the Opposition 'ud get in at the next election.'
+'The country requires it,' ses the General. '_Does_ it?' ses the
+Gov'mint. 'It requires _us_ more; it would be as much as my place is
+worth to ask every man to do his duty, an' besides, there's me brave and
+devoted Volunteers.' 'They'll never be any real good till they have the
+M'litia Ballot be'ind 'em,' ses the General. 'They're asking for it
+themselves,' ses he. 'Never will I consent to force any one,' ses the
+Gov'mint, 'in this Land of Freedom.' 'Something must be done,' ses the
+General. 'Ah,' ses the Gov'mint, 'I have it! Crowd them--I mean the
+Volunteers--for all you're worth, an' if anything busts, we can throw
+the blame on them. Increase the work an' cut down the pay, 'tis a sound
+business principle. Now to turn to more important questions. Is the new
+cap to have a peak, or is it not? An' who is it to be named after?'"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Our First Puttie Parade.]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Field Training.
+
+  _Captain of Cadet Corps:_ "I've come over to ask you if you
+  would mind my cadets running over your land for once, Mr.
+  Stubbles. I want to give them a little field work."
+
+  _Stubbles:_ "Wull I dunno as I've got any objection, 's long as they
+  don't do no damage; but whatever kind o' dog be they now? I know
+  o' 'arriers an' beagles, but I never 'eard tell o' that sort afore."]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+ON THE G.O.C.
+
+
+"The Junior Off'cers," said "Tiny" to the youngest Subaltern, "is on the
+whole as smart an' efficient a lot of young gents as I'd wish to see,
+fond o' their work, eager to learn, an' ready to take suggestions from
+their Comp'ny Instructors, but if you listen to them you'd think they
+was Generals. They may not know 'ow to c'mmand a comp'ny as they should,
+but there never was one of 'em who, after being a week at Aldershot, but
+what could have devised an' carried out a course of trainin' that would
+have been twice as good an' ten times more suitable to the requiremints
+of _their_ Battalion at any rate.
+
+"It's true they don't go into details, but they're sure of the results.
+'But,' I ses, 'think of the poor man that's in charge of all these 'ere
+Auxiliary Forces, d'you think 'e got the billet for 'is looks?' I ses.
+'The General,' ses you, 'can't know the Volunteer like the Volunteer
+'isself does.' 'Now, put yerself in his place,' ses I, 'an' let's work
+the sum out to four places o' decimals. To commence with,' ses I, 'the
+first thing 'e does on being appointed to the job is to go an' 'ave a
+chat with the Gov'mint on the subjec'. Ses he, 'I've bin studyin' the
+thing.' 'I know ye 'ave,' ses the Gov'mint; 'that's why you've got the
+place. We want a man as understan's the machine; it wants over'aulin'
+before we goes on tour with it. Not simply washin' out the bearin's an'
+replatin' the 'andle bars, but takin' to bits, an' shovin' together
+agin. Yer predecessor, poor man, did 'is best, but----, well, _de
+mortuis_, you know, _de mortuis_.' A sweet sentimint, Sir, but one
+tendin' to untruthfulness. 'So,' ses the Gov'mint, 'you see 'ow the
+matter stands. 'Ere is the great mass of patriotic defenders of this
+glorious country, ready to be trained into a force that shall be the
+envy an' hatred of every Foreign Power. 'Tis a noble an' inspirin'
+prospec' that unrolls itself before you, an' one that should stimulate
+yer vital energies to their utmost; the 'arder the work to you, the
+greater the glory to us. You 'ave a free 'and in the matter.'
+
+"'Well,' ses the General, 'takin' into consideration that, if the
+Volunteers is ever wanted, they'll be wanted in a hurry, I should
+suggest that they might be advantageously employed in fitting themselves
+for the task.' 'Excellent,' ses the Gov'mint; 'why ever wasn't it
+thought of before? Go on,' ses he. 'They should be trained,' ses the
+General, 'to the use of the most modern weapons, an' practised in the
+lessons which we 'ave learned by bitter experience, to the end that, in
+the event of an invasion, threatened or actual, every unit shall be able
+to take the field without delay, sufficiently organised an' equipped to
+carry it through a short campaign.' 'Marvellous!' ses the Gov'mint.
+'It's my dream realised. I will be interviewed on the matter to-morrow.'
+'Of course,' ses the General, 'this will undoubtedly entail a certain
+amount of hextra expense.' 'Not another word!' ses the Gov'mint. 'All
+bets is off! Train 'em, give 'em transport, stand 'em on their 'eads, or
+teach 'em to sing; anything you like as long as it don't cost anything.
+Take a fresh start,' ses 'e.
+
+"So the General sits down with 'is Staff an' 'ammers away at it, an'
+cuts down the bills till 'e ain't givin' more than fifteen pence for
+'arf-a-crown's worth of stuff, an' by an' by, round comes the Gov'mint.
+'I've dropped in to see 'ow we're getting on,' ses 'e. 'Some of the
+corps,' ses the General, 'wants training in one way, I find, an' some in
+others, so I propose that the Commanding Off'cers of the various
+districts should adapt the training to the requirements of the troops
+under their command, an' should carry it out wherever we consider it
+would be most advantageous.' 'Splendid,' ses the Gov'mint. 'Speak it
+into the funnygraph that I may listen to it by nights. We'll do it,' ses
+'e, 'at some future date. Just now I want ye to get 'em all together in
+one spot where the correspondents of the Daily Press can see an' realize
+from their own personal observation what a mighty weapon we are
+creatin'. The spectacle of tens of thousands of our brave defenders
+practisin' together the evolutions of war will be amazin' to them. Never
+again will they dare assert that we are neglectin' the defences of the
+country. The next three elections,' ses the Gov'mint, 'ought to be
+certs.'
+
+"'But,' ses the G.O.C., 'there won't be space to train quarter of them
+properly.' 'Oh, never mind,' ses the Gov'mint, 'give 'em enough room to
+turn round, an' stick a sintry on every telegraph pole, an' tell 'em
+it's all practice; they won't know any better. Hevins an' earth! I ought
+to be playin' Bridge with Lady Betty by now! Tar-tar,' ses 'e; 'be
+good.'
+
+"'Well,' ses the G.O.C., goin' to the sideboard an' mixing a couple o'
+stiff ones, 'wash it down with that,' 'e ses, givin' one to 'is Staff.
+'Well, of all the dam nonsense!' 'e ses, fallin' into a chair. ''Twas
+ever thus,' ses the Staff, bein' by nature poetic.
+
+"An' now, Sir," said "Tiny" to the Junior Subaltern, "things bein' like
+this, what would _you_ do under the circumstances?"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+The
+Seven Ages
+of the
+Volunteer.
+
+  [Illustration: (1)]
+
+  [Illustration: (2)]
+
+
+  At first the raw Recruit, unused to arms
+  And awkward at his drill, thinking the "manual"
+  The very deuce. Then the bold "Lance,"
+  Quick to salute, and glad to have escaped
+  His turn as orderly. And then
+  The Sergeant, full of wrath because
+  His section, squad, or what you will,
+  Misunderstand him, and do fail
+  To grasp the thing he drives at.
+  Then he's a "Sub," and cannot for the world
+  Imagine how on earth they ever did without him,
+  Don't you know.
+
+  [Illustration: (3)]
+
+  [Illustration: (4)]
+
+  [Illustration: (5)]
+
+  [Illustration: (6)]
+
+  And after that he's Captain, and at first
+  Wakes up his company, but as the years go on
+  He slackens, and betimes he wonders
+  If it is not time to chuck it, as it were.
+  A Major then, and now bestrides a "gee,"
+  Thanking his lucky stars the "double" does
+  No longer make him gasp.
+  Lastly, the Colonel, sporting the bold V.D.,
+  Wishing to goodness he had not to put
+  His hand to pocket to such great extent; but dreading, all the same,
+  The time when he must, in the course of things,
+  Retire.
+
+  [Illustration: (7)]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.
+
+
+"I would like to get 'old of some of the gentry as writes to the papers
+on warlike topics," said "Tiny" to the world at large, "more especially
+them that takes the Volunteers under their special care. I would unfold
+me mind to them. Now 'ere's one of 'em as 'olds the opinion that
+shootin's _everything_, an' 'e quotes the opinion of a furriner who 'as
+bin through the war an' ses the first thing a soldier needs is to shoot
+well, an' the next thing is to shoot well, an' the last thing is to
+shoot well. Now that's all right, but me worthy friend misses the first
+point, which is that it refers to a _soldier_, an' not a civilian. So 'e
+jumps off from the wrong place to start with. 'Then,' ses 'e, 'teach 'em
+to shoot, an' take 'em down to the carefully selected position an' 'ave
+the distances marked off, an' the Boers 'ave taught us that under these
+circumstances good rifle shots is a match for trained troops.' Now
+there's where 'e run's the wrong side of the post. In the fust place
+this 'ere country ain't the Transvaal, an' what 'ud be first rate out
+there 'ud be all wrong 'ere; an' in the nex' place, _is_ it just by good
+shootin' the Boers 'ave done what they 'ave? Don't think I despise
+shootin', but drivin' comfortable to the range an' gettin' up to the
+firin' line is two different things.
+
+  [Illustration: The Firing Exercise.
+
+  Our own thoughtful Subaltern has carefully studied the new
+  firing positions, and has also read that "methods must be
+  improvised for utilizing the fire of two or even more ranks,"
+  and, by the above arrangement, he hopes to fulfil both conditions.]
+
+"I will ask you one question: 'If the King's prize man can only walk ten
+miles, an' 'e 'as to march twenty, how many bullseyes is 'e likely to
+make when 'e's fallen out an' lying in the ambulance? For there'll be no
+goin' down comfortable to a camp that's bin arranged an' catered for
+months before, an' finding yer tent up an' the tea ready. There'll be no
+breaking you in soft an' easy, so that at the end of the week too many
+of you won't fall out on a twenty-five mile field day. The bloomin' foe
+won't study yer convenience, an' you'll get no notice before'and of the
+picnic. The Foreign Power that 'as made up its mind for a slap at us
+will not advertize that it'll 'old a remnant sale in the metropolis on
+the first of nex' month. Our relations will be most friendly with 'im
+'till all of a sudden 'e ses, ''Ere goes for London.' There'll be a navy
+fight first, an' twill be no ordinary one, for 'e'll lose two ships to
+our one, cheerfully, if 'e can clear the Channel for a week.
+
+"We 'ope 'e won't manage it, and we don't think 'e will, but _if_ 'e
+does, it'll be no week's camp then. The orders one day, the assembly
+nex' mornin' an' the trains waitin'. 'Arf the camp kettles ain't 'ere,
+Sir.' 'Can't be helped, you'll have to manage as best you can.' 'No room
+for that baggage. Chuck it out, anywhere.' 'All in? Right away!' Heaven
+help the man that 'as forgot to stuff his haversack with a ration!
+Twenty-four hours they'll be before they have a chance of a meal, an'
+then, Heaven help the corps twice over as 'asn't been used to feeding
+itself, or that 'asn't give a thought to how to meet an emergency like
+this! Quartermaster, Captain, or Corporal, anyone as knows his job at
+the camp kitchen, will be worth his weight in gold then, an' that's only
+the start.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+"Tired an' stale, the lads 'll work like niggers at the trenches, but
+before they're finished the order will come to get to somewhere without
+delay, the enemy not 'aving been kind enough to fall in with our plans.
+No trains this time, the lines being blocked. Twenty miles before nex'
+mornin', an' all baggage to be left be'ind. The boys will stay in the
+ranks till they drop, an' where they drop they will stay. The ambulance?
+That's for the fighting line. 'Ave ye ever seen a stiff field day? An'
+that's child's play. Lucky the Battalion that can feed its men that
+night.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+"'We're in reserve, thank God!' they'll cry, though every mother's son
+is only wishful to fight, an' they'll fall asleep by companies till the
+section commanders kick 'em to wake up. 'Battalion will advance!'
+'Halt!' 'Lie down!' 'Advance!' 'Halt!' 'Lie down!' 'Retire!' 'Halt!'
+'You've had an easy day, Colonel. Hold your men in readiness to attack
+at nightfall.'
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+"Mile after mile through the mud. 'What are we going to do,
+Dick?' 'Spoil their beauty sleep; they've been kept at it two days,
+and if we----.' 'Stop that talking in the ranks! Close up there! What's
+that?' 'One of their patrols, Sir.' 'Push on, boys, push on! It's come
+at last.'
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+"'Men, their picquets are on that hill, ready for us. We are going to
+take it, and hold it to the last man. The Battalion will form for
+attack.'
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+"You'll want _soldiers_ then, gents; an' you must 'ave 'em ready
+before'and."
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Our Review]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Army Orders.
+
+  Great care should be exercised in reconnoitring woods.]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: (1) The simple mudcrusher thought it would be rather
+  sporting to entrap the mounted scout and laid his plans accordingly.]
+
+  [Illustration: (2) And the scout thought it was only his duty to bag
+  the mudcrusher, so, disregarding his enemy's fire, he started to round
+  him up.]
+
+  [Illustration: (3) _Scout_: "Halt! You're my----"]
+
+  [Illustration: (4) "---- My prisoner, I think!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Patrols.
+
+  _Scout:_ "There's a pub down there right enough, but there's an officer
+  coming up the hill."
+
+  _Corporal:_ "Over the bank, boys; an' take cover behind those ricks!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+THE LOST PATROL.
+
+By the JUNIOR SUBALTERN.
+
+
+Wonder what we shall do to-day? It seems as if we'd been here for weeks,
+although this is only the third day; but I suppose one's first camp
+always seems like that. It _is_ different from anything else; the drill
+I've done before don't help me a little bit. It's all very well to pass
+exams an' get _P.S._ after your name in the Army List, but that don't do
+much good out on a field day, as far as I can see.
+
+Here comes my noble Captain. He's a bit of a slacker, I fancy. Wish he'd
+buck the men up more in their drill. They were simply awful yesterday,
+_I_ thought, but he didn't seem to notice it; in fact, I rather
+imagined he didn't approve of my goin' for 'em in the way I did. By
+Jove, if I said "Wake up those men," once, I must have said it a hundred
+times.
+
+"What's that? I'm attached to X Company to-day, as young Jackson is on
+the sick list? What beastly rot! Why, they're the worst company we've
+got. Chance for me to wake 'em up? That's all bally fine, but----all
+right, I'm off." This is a lively look-out. My goodness, they _are_ a
+lot! and their Captain don't seem up to much either----"Yes, Sir. Very
+good, Sir. Take No. 1 Section and join the advanced party?"
+"But--er--I've never----" "Hurry up, for goodness sake, the Adjutant's
+looking as black as thunder." "Oh, _let_ him."
+
+"What _am_ I to do? Straight along till I come to the cross roads, take
+the N.E. one, and keep on till I come in touch with the enemy? But----"
+"Just ready, Sir. I am only asking for final instruc----" "Oh, No. 1
+Section, right turn, quick march." Oh, bother, I've forgotten to slope
+the arms. "Slope arms, there!" By gad, that's a pretty poor start. What
+_is_ the Adjutant howling about? "That isn't the way to march an
+advanced guard. Where are my flankers?" "Just going to send them out,
+Sir." "Where's the section commander? On the sick list? Who is in charge
+then? Oh, you, Corporal. Have you ever been in an advanced guard before?
+No? Why--oh, it's your first camp, is it? Any of the men been used to
+this sort of thing? You don't fancy so. Well, we must do the best we
+can. Take two men and examine that little wood on the right. I will halt
+the section at the corner till you rejoin."
+
+Ullo, what does this cyclist want? "Captain Jones says, will I push on
+at once, as I'm stopping the whole column." "Oh! Forward." Hang me if I
+see the good of sending out flankers if you can't wait for them to
+examine anything. "Step out there, men, we're blocking the column."
+Well, here are the cross roads. Oh, my sainted aunt, _Five_, an' not a
+blessed sign-post!
+
+"Any of you men know which is the way to Muddiford? No?" I wonder which
+_is_ the N.E. road. I thought it was all bally rot getting maps and
+compasses, but I wish to goodness I had now. If there was only a gleam
+of sunshine it would help, but you can't even guess where the sun is
+through these clouds. Oh, damn that cyclist! Oh, the Adjutant's swearing
+like old boots? Well, here goes. "Take the turning down the hill, boys,
+and push ahead as hard as you can." Thank goodness we seem to have got
+clear of 'em now, and by the powers, here's a villager.
+
+"I say, is this right for Muddiford?" Why, we are coming away from it!
+What the dickens am I to do? "Is there a short cut from here?" "Yes!
+yes! Down that lane, across the common to the wood, straight on till you
+get to the path, and that will take us right on to the main road long
+before the rest of the column can get there." Cheap at half-a-crown.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Fall in there. You shall have a rest when we pick the column up, we're
+a bit off the track. Yes, yes, over the fields and straight through the
+wood. Get ahead! What the deuce are you men opening out like that for?
+You've always been told to spread out when going through a wood? Oh, all
+right." If they lose themselves it's their look-out. Where is this
+beastly path? At last! Which way do we go? Oh, er--er, curse it, that
+fellow didn't tell me. Let's see, we turned to the left and then again,
+so I think it must be to the right. Well, it can't be helped--here goes.
+
+I daren't own up to the men that I haven't a notion where we are, but I
+haven't, and that's a fact. How this infernal path does wind about!
+"What's that, Corporal? Here's a _sort_ of a road? _This_ isn't a main
+road. Well, the men must have a rest, so----Where's the rest of the
+section? There aren't more than half of them here. Expect they've gone
+back the way they came?" I'm beginning to wish _I_ had too.
+
+"Corporal, there's no doubt that we've lost touch with the column. We
+must work our way along the road till we come across a house and find
+out where we are; unfortunately, I forgot to bring my map with me." _At
+last!_ a cottage. The men had better rest while I make a few inquiries.
+"Oh, you're a stranger in these parts? But, my good woman, is there any
+place where I can find----The Red Lion? Where's that? Just down the
+road, where those soldiers are running to?" Well, I'm----!
+
+  [Illustration:]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: A Fair Samaritan.]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Our N.C.O.'s (No. 1).
+
+  _Captain:_ "Look here, Corporal, you know the great object of the new
+  system is to train the N.C.O.'s to act on their own initiative and
+  responsibility. Now I want you to take a couple of men--understand? Two
+  men, and advance along the main road and select a position commanding a
+  good view of the road, where your sentry can see without being
+  seen--understand? Now you should choose if possible a place giving some
+  shelter for your men, as you are to imagine you've got to occupy it for
+  twenty-four hours, and it ought to be so chosen that you could offer a
+  certain amount of resistance if attacked--understand? You're in
+  absolute command, and you are to do whatever you think best under the
+  circumstances, keeping in mind the object for which you were sent
+  out--understand?"
+
+  _Corporal:_ "Yessir."]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Our N.C.O.'s (No. 2).
+
+  The Position the Corporal selected.]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Hints for Patrols.
+
+  "When reconnoitring a village, one of the inhabitants should be detained
+  and questioned."]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: The Best Laid Schemes, etc.
+
+  That able and efficient officer, Captain Smith, had prepared a really
+  beautiful ambush that would have put the opposing force out of action
+  without a doubt, had not this happened just before the psychological
+  moment!]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+CAMP DIARIES
+
+No. 1.
+
+Lt.-Col. Sir DIGBY SANDILANDS, M.P.
+
+
+_Saturday._--Wretched morning. Hunter tells me the barometer is falling
+again. We really get terribly bad luck with the weather. I know what it
+will be--we shall get to camp wet through, and find everything
+absolutely sodden. Wish I had sent Hunter on yesterday to look after
+things. Lady Sandilands says it's perfectly absurd going on a day like
+this; suggests that I should go later when everything is straight. Women
+take the most extraordinary views of one's duty to the country, but
+really, under the circumstances, I almost wish it were feasible.
+
+Williams has just come up to say that Brown Bess is very lame, shall he
+get Sultan ready? It is really most annoying: he positively hates the
+band, while old Bess is as steady as a rock.
+
+Sharpe & Sharpe write me about those mortgages. I really ought to see
+them. If I caught the express to town I could settle the matter, and
+then get to the camp about the time the Battalion should arrive. Major
+Strahan would take charge of them; he rather likes doing it, I fancy. If
+there's nothing important to see to I think that's what I must do, but
+it is extremely annoying after looking forward to the week and making
+all arrangements.
+
+The girls very disappointed; say it's not worth while going to see the
+Battalion start if I'm not there. Promise them they shall have a wire
+letting them know the exact time of our return. They say that's not the
+same thing, as we invariably come back smothered in dust and looking
+generally disreputable. They seem to regard the whole thing as a mild
+form of amusement for them. Have arranged everything with the Adjutant.
+Capital fellow. Really relieves me of no end of little worries.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Sunday._--Arrived rather later than I expected last night. Found they
+had had rather a bad time getting here, but everything seemed all right;
+hope it is; always like the men to start camp in a good temper. We
+parade fairly strong, but men not so smart as I should like to see them.
+I must impress it on the company officers to look after that sort of
+thing rather more carefully.
+
+Church parade not improved by slight drizzle; but the chaplain very
+sensibly shortened the service. Quite forgot to provide myself with
+anything for the collection; asked the Adjutant if he could lend me
+something; he had only half-a-crown and a sovereign; so--well, I suppose
+it's for a good cause. Inspected camp this afternoon, seems fairly
+comfortable. Our mess president tells me he has had a lot of bother with
+the caterers, but he hopes it will be better in a day or two. I
+sincerely hope it will.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Monday._--Passed a terribly bad night. Camp may be a pleasant change
+for younger men, but it really is a great trial in many ways for
+commanding officers. I find one misses what are usually termed, I
+believe, "home comforts." The work to-day is to be confined to sections
+and the training of the N.C.O.'s. This new drill reads simple enough in
+the book, but the men don't seem to catch on to it as quickly as they
+should; but really everything has so changed of late years that one
+hardly likes to criticize. Spoke to the Adjutant about it; he says
+they're doing quite as well as he expected. Very irritating order from
+headquarters to the effect that as we are a manoeuvres camp, officers
+will not dine in mess dress. A most senseless order; if they allow us
+mess tents and board floors, and things of that sort, why on earth can't
+they allow us to dine as gentlemen?
+
+[Illustration: Reserves.]
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Tuesday._--Weather improving, am happy to say. To-day's training, I
+believe, is to be left in the hands of the company commanders; field
+officers to exercise general supervision. On the whole, not bad,
+although I doubt if they will be able to carry out my commands as
+intelligently as I could wish without a tremendous amount of
+explanation. I must impress upon them the importance of grasping the
+idea of the commands, at the same time acting on their own initiative,
+otherwise we shall have endless confusion.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Wednesday._--Something about living in the open that has a very
+stimulating effect upon one. Made quite an excellent breakfast. The
+Adjutant gave a most interesting lecture on outpost work before we
+started; he mentioned several points that I don't mind confessing had
+slipped my memory. I feel sure, with a little careful instruction, the
+efficiency of the Volunteer Force would be enormously increased. Must
+refer to it in the House on earliest opportunity. Did an attack with the
+Brigade this afternoon; very disappointing. Up to certain stage
+everything went well, but, as attack developed, got in some way mixed up
+with the Blankshires, who were, undoubtedly, far out of their proper
+line. Had slight argument with their C.O. Dear old chap, of course, but
+absolutely pig-headed. Would not see my point. G.O.C.'s remarks rather
+uncalled for, under the circumstances. Had to speak to several of the
+company officers about letting their men get out of hand. The various
+Adjutants seem to regard the matter with an amount of levity which I
+don't altogether approve of. Mess very uproarious to-night; most
+unnecessarily so in my opinion. Heard afterwards one of the subalterns
+had given a lecture on "Tactics, as he understood them."
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Thursday._--Inspection to-day. Passed off fairly satisfactorily; faults
+found of course, but that's inevitable. A weary, worrying business.
+Every one seems out of temper. Thank goodness, that's over for a year.
+
+_Friday._--Every prospect of a hot day of course, on the one occasion
+that we should rejoice in a cloudy sky. Hope there will be no trouble
+with the water-cart. Got the Battalion away early, so could give the men
+a rest before commencing operations.
+
+Don't quite know what we're intended to be doing or where we're going.
+Somewhat awkward, as I haven't been able to tell Williams where to meet
+me with spare horse and a sandwich. Rather a joke (or the reverse) if I
+had to patronize the water-cart!
+
+Did exceedingly well. Complimented on the way I handled the Battalion in
+awkward position. Very trying march back, but men stuck to it well. Will
+back a country Battalion against a town one any time for a stiff day's
+work, although they may not be so smart. Ordered extra ration of beer,
+or its equivalent, to be issued to each man. Capital camp fire at night,
+and some very good choruses. Great pity that just as we have got into
+our stride, so to speak, we have to break up. Nothing like camp for the
+men. Wish we could have more of it. Must bring up the question of
+extended camps in the House.
+
+[Illustration: A Camp Fire.]
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Saturday._--Brought Battalion home. Never knew the men march better,
+and every man looks as hard as nails. The girls say I look years
+younger. Quite sorry to get back.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: A Conundrum.
+
+  _1st Umpire:_ "I say, Jimmy, which would you consider the most sporting
+  thing to do--award both sides the palm of victory, or put 'em both out
+  of action?"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+No. 2.
+
+Capt. and Adjt. "JERRY" BENSON.
+
+
+_Saturday._--I don't think I ever felt less inclined to get up in my
+life. It is simply dreadful to contemplate the fact that for the next
+week there won't be a moment's peace for me after 5 A.M. And something
+horrible is sure to happen--either the Sergeant Major will go sick, or
+the Colonel's wine will be corked, or I shall be asked to explain
+things.
+
+The Station Master seems unduly flurried for one of his years--says we
+shall block the whole line if we don't get away soon. Had no idea the
+railway system of the country was so easily upset. What is the matter
+with the youth Thompson? Oh, he is in charge of the baggage for the time
+being. It seems to excite him very much. Fortunately, baggage has a nice
+little way of turning up in the long run, somehow. I wish they wouldn't
+ask me what sort of work we shall do in camp; they must think I'm a sort
+of military encyclopaedia. Frightful scene detraining, Volunteers always
+remind me of flustered hens on these occasions.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Sunday._--"Oh those dreadful bugles!" Usual church parade. The Colonel
+is certain to forget his purse, so I'll take a sovereign for him. His
+expression when he sees I've nothing less, will be touching. As a
+spectacle, effect somewhat marred by the presence of a cyclist in
+violent tweeds.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Monday._--Really a very amusing day. The struggles of the various
+Company officers simply fascinating to watch, they have so many ways of
+doing the same thing. I have never been able to fathom the mind of the
+Volunteer N.C.O., but I should think he conceives his duty consists of
+remaining eternally in rear of his men. I asked one what he thought he
+was placed in charge of a section for, and he answered very truthfully
+that he didn't know. I think I must get him sent out in charge of a
+patrol when the Brigadier is about, he will be so pleased. Someone asked
+me what I thought of the men's drill. I said it was very interesting,
+and that I'd seen regulars do it quite as badly.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Tuesday._--Had a most elaborate Brigade drill, which I believe we are
+not supposed to do, but it afforded me great joy. Everyone else seemed
+to loathe it. The Colonel got rather worried, which was a nuisance, as I
+had to keep at his elbow to put him right. I don't think any one really
+knows what to do, but if you only take long enough about any movement,
+you generally get a fresh command before you've got absolutely wrong. By
+some miracle we didn't get quite in a muddle, which was a pity, as the
+Brigadier would have given everybody the most awful "dirt." Felt quite
+sorry when it was over. The Colonel uttered a heart-felt "Thank God!"
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Wednesday._--A most amusing little field day. I think we did everything
+we should not have done. Not a soul paid the faintest attention to
+cover, and when we got into the quite open country everyone took the
+opportunity to reform the lines. I pulled up a Subaltern who was doing
+it in the most barefaced manner; he was very cheerful about it, said it
+would save no end of confusion, and it was much easier to do "out here"
+than when you were "bottled up in a bally wood!" I should rather like to
+know what the men think of field days. The issue of blank ammunition
+usually keeps them quite cheerful for the first half-hour; then, if they
+happen to be in reserve they get very sulky and think they're being
+"done in the eye," and when they eventually get into the firing line,
+they loose off every round they have as fast as possible, and from that
+moment take no further interest in the proceedings.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Thursday._--Annual Inspection to-day. Took every precaution, carefully
+coached two companies in piquet duties, and put the rest in reserve.
+Told the Captains if they had any old soldiers in the ranks to put them
+in the responsible positions. Thank goodness the Chief invariably asks
+the same questions, so hadn't to bother about other things. It would be
+too dreadful if he started dodging us. I wish officers would _not_ say
+they've received no instructions about all sorts of things. It may be
+perfectly true, but you can't get them to see that they ought to say
+anything but that. Had rather a fright when I heard the G.O.C. was
+paying a surprise visit to the outposts, but something kept him off us.
+The Sergeant Major said we should get an awful wigging over the camp, as
+it wasn't half cleaned up, so had to get the Colonel to keep lunch going
+as long as possible. Men turned out for inspection better than I
+expected, but one wretched youth in No. 1 Company got his bayonet
+jammed. Thought we were in for it, but luckily his struggles were so
+pathetic that the Chief had to laugh, and forgot to make any nasty
+remarks until he'd almost finished the inspection. We might train a
+humorously-minded boy to do something of the sort every time.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Friday._--Usual wind-up field day. Did "pooja" to everything I could
+think of, in the hope of being placed in reserve, but it didn't come
+off. Had a positively dreadful time. Our portion of the firing line
+seemed to fascinate the G.O.C., nothing would make him go away. Gave us
+frightful "dirt" because the men insisted on standing up to see the
+Commander-in-Chief and Staff go by, when they were supposed to be under
+cover and lying down. One of the Staff got off rather smart thing--said
+the Volunteers combined the minimum of expense with the maximum of
+inefficiency.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Saturday._--Broke camp. I don't know which is worse, getting to camp or
+coming away from it. It doesn't matter what arrangements you make, it
+always results in hopeless confusion, and everybody goes about cursing
+somebody or something. I shall keep out of the way as much as possible,
+and I shall go on leave directly we get back.
+
+  [Illustration: The Hired "Charger" is not a Thing of Beauty!]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Studies.
+
+  _Serious Major:_ "You ought to look in to-night, youngster, we shall be
+  having a 'Kriegspiel' on."
+
+  _Frivolous Sub.:_ "What's that, Sir?"
+
+  _Major:_ "Don't you know? Why it's the War Game."
+
+  _Sub.:_ "Never heard of it! Can you make any money at it?"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Ambushed!
+
+  _Extract from Officer's Diary._--"Had lunch, practically on an
+  unsuspected wasp's nest, and had to clear out, each man collaring
+  whatever he could lay hands on. The Colonel was the last to quit the
+  field of battle."]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Field-Day Reflections.
+
+  _Field Officer_ (_a little out of touch for the time being_): "I wish to
+  goodness our corps had stuck to their scarlet instead of goin' into this
+  infernal khaki; you used to be able to spot 'em at any distance, but now
+  I'm hanged if I can tell _where_ they are!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Tactics.
+
+  _Slim Subaltern:_ "Not out of action? I should jolly well think you
+  were, though! Why I've been simply pumping lead into you for the last
+  ten minutes!"
+
+  _Captain of Opposing Force:_ "That's all very fine, but it all depends
+  on the range you were firing at."
+
+  _Slim Subaltern:_ "Don't you worry about that, cocky; I had one section
+  sightin' at eight hundred, another at nine, 'nother at one thou, an'
+  t'other at 'leven hundred!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Field-Day Tragedies.
+
+  "Ullo, Dicky! Where's your Company? Lost?"
+
+  "No, not lost, but gone before!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+No. 3.
+
+2nd Lieut. FITZGERALD LAWLESS.
+
+
+_Saturday._--Utter rot limiting a fellow's baggage; I've simply chucked
+it. If there was any need, I could live in one shirt just as well as the
+next man, but I expect the Sergeant Major will think it his duty to
+point out that two kit bags, a hold-all, plus the regulation tin box, is
+almost up to field officer form, but I can't do it with less. I'm sure
+the amount of stuff the sergeants' mess take with 'em is simply
+appalling.
+
+Trust our mess president will provide for our carnal appetites by the
+way, but shall take the precaution of laying in a small stock on my own.
+
+Had huge jest with young Simpkins in the train. Rotted him about his new
+Sam Browne equipment; told him it wasn't on right, so we had it off him,
+and regularly trussed him up in it; he got awfully wrathy, so we sat him
+in a corner while Jackson read "Hints for Young Officers" to him.
+
+Found my tent pitched close to the Colonel's; rather a good egg, as they
+won't be able to try any larks on this time. That young ass Blenkinsop,
+who was baggage officer, has lost one of my kit bags, and pretty well
+smashed up the other things. Had the cheek to say it was lucky the only
+really efficient Sub. in the Battalion in charge, or the baggage would
+never have got here. Gathered from the tone of his remarks that he'd had
+a pretty healthy time of it.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Sunday._--Seems quite good to hear the bugles going once more. Church
+parade. Infernal nuisance having to wear busbies--always feel like a
+bally Hungarian bandsman. As usual, forgot about the collection, so had
+to apply to Watney, who, being a parson's son, is up to these moves;
+result--put in half-a-crown. Fancy Watney regards it as a little private
+field day, as he invariably has half-crowns and nothing else. Told me
+afterwards he'd lent five.
+
+Spent most of this afternoon trying to instil some measure of tidiness
+into my servant.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Monday._--On duty. Inspected the grub first thing. Awfully good chap
+our Quartermaster; tried to show me how to spot bully beef. 'Pon my soul
+I think the real work of a Battalion is done off the scenes, as it were.
+How the deuce they manage to feed nine hundred beggars without a regular
+fuss, beats me.
+
+No complaints about the breakfast. My own a bit off, as I was late.
+
+Preliminary training and drills. Been trying to hammer a little
+knowledge into our N.C.O.'s. The non-commissioned man may be the
+backbone of the army, but I'll be hanged if he is of the Volunteers.
+Went round lines at dinner. Two or three complaints; either too much fat
+or too little gravy. Got rather good wheeze for these occasions; nearly
+always come from an untidy lot, so invariably say I never take
+complaints from a dirty tent; makes 'em very sick. Turned out the
+guards; good thing in principle, generally a bally farce in practice.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Tuesday._--Had to dig young Brown out of his tent about 2 A.M.; his man
+hadn't slacked off the tent ropes, and as there was rather a heavy dew,
+the whole show collapsed. Fancy B. thought the camp had been rushed, as
+we discovered him clutching his sword. His lamp had been knocked over,
+and he was soaked in paraffin, and smelt vilely. Rotted B. about it all
+day.
+
+Fooled about in rear of my half company most of the time, as the Captain
+was enjoying himself bossing everything; he might just as well have
+given me a separate job to do. Got rather hauled over the coals for not
+seeing that the men laid out their bedding properly. Asked the Sergeant
+Major what the regulation way was. Wish he wouldn't _always_ preface his
+information with "I should have thought, Sir, that that was one of the
+_first_ things an officer should know."
+
+Rather a lark after mess; got young B. down and christened him "Violet
+de Parme," while Jackson played "Taint all lavender." Suspected B. of
+harbouring thoughts of revenge, so collared a syphon of soda, and after
+putting out my light crawled outside and waited for him. Just as he
+started letting the tent down, sallied forth and let fly the soda at
+him. Stirred up the Colonel, so had to lie awfully doggo.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Wednesday._--Colonel rather grumpy about being disturbed. Did a futile
+Brigade attack to-day. Got told off as escort to some machine guns.
+Asked the Johnnie in command of 'em what he was going to do. Said he
+didn't know, but thought they wanted him to keep out of the way, and
+interrupt the attack as little as possible. M.G.'s usually looked on as
+a nuisance, I fancy. I suggested it would be rather sporting if we
+worked out well to a flank, and then imagined ourselves ambushed, and
+bolted back on the main body; give 'em awfully great opportunity of
+showing what they could do in an emergency, but he wouldn't rise to it.
+Simply a lovely chance lost of rotting up the show. Think I shall put in
+for the gun section next year.
+
+[Illustration: The Gun Team.]
+
+Went over to the Wildshires in the evening. Awfully sporting lot. Found
+'em having chariot races in armchairs with obstacles. Being a guest, was
+asked to be passenger; nothing broken but the chair. Musical lot, too.
+Have great formula when they want a song from anyone, "Will you come to
+the piano, or will you be fetched?" They generally come. Rather late
+before I got back. Never knew a camp with so many confounded tent ropes.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Thursday._--Annual inspection. Filthy day. Inspected every ten minutes,
+with slight interval for showers. Was hurried off to a piquet. Rushed
+out patrols and sentries somewhere. Got told to alter 'em. If you wanted
+to know anything you were told to ask some one else. Always the same
+game. Hardly a soul knows what they're supposed to be doing. You're not
+certain yourself, and if you are, you haven't time to tell your men. So
+everyone produces little red books, and studies "What to do and How to
+do it," by "One who thinks he knows." No wonder the regulars jibe at us;
+it's astonishing we're as good as we are. Everybody a bit off to-day.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Friday._--Paraded half an hour earlier, as we had about seven miles to
+march to the rendezvous. Tried to stop my fellows from emptying their
+water-bottles at the first halt. It would do 'em good if the water-cart
+got lost for once, and they had to make the contents of their bottles
+last them the day.
+
+Find we're to act as rearguard to something. Got told off to occupy a
+bit of a wood right away on the flank. Thank goodness they haven't told
+me what to do or how long to hold on, or anything, so I shall get out of
+touch as soon as I can and play off my own bat. Rather good little wood.
+Men awfully keen on the job. Soon after we occupied position, spotted
+party of the enemy coming through gap in the hills. Couldn't see them
+very well on account of the haze, so waited till they got fairly near,
+and then gave 'em a volley. They sent an orderly over to know what the
+deuce I meant by firing on the ambulance. Felt rather an ass, but found
+out afterwards every party they had passed had paid them the same
+compliment. Soon after scout came in with news of enemy. I wanted to
+ambush 'em, but some silly fool fired without orders, so it became a
+regular attack. Put three companies out of action before we retired, but
+cut it rather too fine, and a few of my chaps got collared. Found the
+rest of the rearguard had cleared before. Some of 'em mistook us for the
+bally foe, and blazed into us like old boots. Rotted 'em no end when we
+got up to them. Everything got in the most awful muddle after a bit; no
+one knew who was which. After the "Cease fire" sounded came across a lot
+of chaps firing like mad at anybody who came near. Told 'em the "Cease
+fire" had gone. "'Cease fire' be damned!" said one of them. "We ain't
+had a look in till now!"
+
+Rather rough time getting back to camp. Thought at one time half my lot
+were going to fall out, so went for 'em like anything. Called 'em a
+"bally lot of school-girls out for a Sunday-school treat," which upset
+them somewhat, so they bucked up and not one caved in, although we were
+all pretty well "baked."
+
+Awfully festive night. The Wildshires had a camp fire, nearly all the
+Brigade turned out. Any amount of choruses. Had fearful "rag"
+afterwards. Scotson got hold of a wheelbarrow, formed a machine-gun
+detachment, and rushed the Southshires' lines. Awfully "pi" lot, and got
+very sick. Whenever they started to object charged 'em with the "Maxim,"
+and drove 'em to earth. When I got back found my tent struck and a note
+on it begging me not to disturb the Colonel when pitching it. Got out my
+blankets, rolled up in them, and slept outside.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Saturday._--Find I'm stuck in charge of the baggage. Must see if I can
+manage it without the usual row. Rather nice fellow is the A.S.C. in
+charge of transport. Told him we'd got it all ready, and he needn't
+worry. Shall just have time for my fellows to get breakfast and then
+slip into it. Everything seems all serene, so I'll get a bite myself.
+
+Oh, my Aunt Maria! I wish if they give a fellow a job to do they'd leave
+him to do it. Found everybody pitching the stuff up into the wagons
+anyhow. How ever it got sorted out, goodness knows. Had rather a row
+with the A.S.C. chap; told him he was muddling everything up. Seemed to
+think a Volunteer can't possibly know anything, but considering half my
+men come from the railway, I'll back them against all comers for loading
+a truck. Started at last, about half an hour late. More trouble at the
+station; only two trucks there instead of the five indented for. My
+stock of ornamental profanity barely sufficient for the occasion.
+Finally managed somehow. Loaded up passenger coaches, horse boxes,
+anything; but men awfully sulky. Thought they were going to curse the
+Major when he wanted to know why everything wasn't done. Got rotted by
+young Blenkinsop for mucking the show up. Major awfully good chap on
+these occasions; told me it's absolutely unavoidable when we have to
+manage to get a day's work done in about three hours. Told ripping good
+jest against himself when _he_ was on baggage duty years ago. Must try
+it again next year to see if I can do it differently. Only one or two
+things gone wrong after all, by some miracle.
+
+Home again. Feel rather tired. Jolly good camp, though. Hope next year's
+will be as good.
+
+  [Illustration: Off Duty.]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Philosophies.
+
+  "Chargin'," said the Junior Subaltern, "is all bally rot; and when we
+  carried a beastly sword it was positively dangerous. You blew your
+  whistle, bolted out in front of your men, howled 'Char-r-r-ge!' shoved
+  your foot in a hole, or got the scabbard between your legs an' came a
+  regular mucker, and then some idiot behind either jumped on you or
+  tripped over you, an' most likely prodded you with his bally bayonet."]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: M.G.
+
+  _Extract from Diary._--"We got our Maxim into a capital position on the
+  flank, but before we could fire a shot we were put out of action for
+  some time."]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: More Army Reforms.
+
+  _Our only Sub.:_ "Awful tommy rot big Battalions, don't you know; ever
+  so much jollier with just the mess an' the band."]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: On Guard.
+
+  _Officer of the day_ (_who believes in making sure that every man knows
+  his work_): "Ah? What are you?" (_No answer._)
+
+  "Er! What are your orders?" (_No answer._)
+
+  "What the dooce are you doing here?"
+
+  _Recruit_ (_on sentry go for the first time_): "Please, zur, I bz
+  waitin' for they to tell I to come to tay!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: A Misunderstanding.
+
+  _Colonel_ (_to recruit who has forgotten to salute him_): "What Company
+  do you belong to?"
+
+  _Recruit_ (_mindful of his civil occupation_): "Th--Th--The Gas Company,
+  please, Sir!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+No. 4.
+
+Pte. TIMOTHY SIMMONS.
+
+
+_Saturday._--'Ad a bit of a row with the old man afore starting; 'e
+wants me to give mother 'arf my camp pay, same as if it were wages. Told
+'im I would if I could, so I expect there'll be more rows when we gets
+back. Said good-bye to Mary, an' told her if I 'eard of any goings on
+with Bill Jenkins, as could go to camp if 'e wanted to right enough, I'd
+spoil 'is face for 'im. She said I ought to be walkin' 'er out instead
+o' wastin' my time playin' at soldiers, an' that Bill's a very sensible
+chap. I ses as 'e's a waster an' a perfect bloomin' idjet at drill,
+always a throwin' us out. Jawin' with 'er made me a bit late for parade,
+but our leftenant didn't seem to mind for a wonder. Usually 'is temper's
+awful if things don't go as he likes. He cocked 'is bloomin' eye-glass
+at me, tho', in a way as made me think 'e was going to start cussin'.
+Twasn't bad with all the village looking on, an' we marched off in
+style.
+
+Got told off to the baggage guard at the station. Blessed if I don't
+think it was for being late for p'rade. Warn't sorry when the train
+started, as one of the chaps 'ad got hold of four bottles of beer as was
+all right. Just before the train stops our Serjint, 'e ses, "Look after
+our own company's baggage, an' never mind what anybody ses." But we
+'adn't more than about started when a off'cer on a horse comes along an'
+wants to know who's in charge an' where is 'e. I tells 'im, an' then he
+ses we can't be all day over the job, an' we're to put all this lot into
+that truck. We ses we was told to put it in t'other. "Put it where _I_
+tell you," 'e ses. Bimeby along comes our off'cer, an' just takes one
+look at us, an' then started fairly in. As our Corp'ril said afterwards,
+it were a treat. I'd 'ave given the price of a pint to 'ave been able to
+sit still an' listen to 'im, an' yet to look at 'im in the ordinary way
+you'd think he couldn't get further than "Dash it all!" Then up comes
+the off'cer on the 'orse. "Are you in charge of this guard?" ses 'e.
+"Yes," ses our off'cer. "Well, you'll never get away at this rate, an'
+there's three more Battalions to detrain after you, an' I must 'ave
+those trucks back from the camp by six o'clock." "Very good; they will
+be here," ses our man. "Not at this rate," ses t'other. "My dear
+fellow," ses our off'cer, "my men aint regulars, but they can manage it
+all right in their own way if you'll leave 'em alone; but you're simply
+muddlin' us up now." "Can't help that," ses t'other. "I'm only
+responsible for the trucks, and they must be got away at once." "I'm
+responsible for the baggage," ses our man. "Either leave the job to me
+or take the whole thing over." "Oh, do as you like. I don't care a
+damn," ses the one on the 'orse. "No more do I," ses our off'cer. So we
+gets it together somehow an' marches off, the bloomin' traction-engine
+a-goin' about five miles an 'our an' we tryin' to keep up, all of us
+cussin' at everything. Don't catch me on a baggage guard again in a
+'urry.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Sunday._--Bit tired to-day. Couldn't get much sleep las' night; some of
+the chaps 'adn't been to camp afore, an' wouldn't shake down quiet. Kep'
+growlin' at everything. Off'cer comes round wantin' to know what the
+noise were about. I tells 'im as George Hitchins 'udn't shut up, an' let
+us get to sleep. "'It 'im on the 'ed with a boot," ses the off'cer, an'
+I 'ad a bloomin' good mind to. Church p'rade in the mornin'. Never 'eard
+a blessed word till we got to the hymns. Dinner pretty right, but could
+'ave done with more of it. Beer at the canteen not 'arf as good as we
+gets at the old "King's Arms." Went out with some of our chaps in the
+afternoon an' 'ad a sleep in a wood. Not 'arf a bad day. If t'were goin'
+to be all same as this, I wouldn't mind.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Monday._--Jack Houghton, as was Tent Orderly to-day, goes an' trips
+over one of the tent ropes when he were bringing the coffee, an' spilt
+most of it. Tried to get some more, but couldn't, so docked 'im of 'is
+share; even then we was precious short. Section drill all the morning.
+Never saw the off'cers so savage--nothing would please them; they're
+fairly easy all the year, but they makes up for it in camp. Not but what
+some of the chaps want it--lots of 'em goes on enough to break a
+feller's 'eart, an' then we all gets the blame.
+
+That there Houghton got hold of the wrong kettle at dinner an' come back
+with No. 5's grub, which, as they're only seven in their tent to our
+eight, warn't good enough. Complained to the off'cer as come round. 'E
+said if we couldn't look after ourselves better than that, we must take
+the consequences. That's all very fine, but it don't feed us. Made
+Houghton stand 'arf a gallon to the tent. 'E ses camp's a bloomin'
+swindle. If there's one thing I 'ates it is cleaning up the camp; the
+other companies chucks their rubbish into our lines, but t'aint no use
+to say so, you only gets shut up.
+
+[Illustration: On the Range.]
+
+Got jawed at for a bit o' dirt in my rifle as you couldn't see. "Clean
+it again," ses our Leftenant. "I've cleaned the thing forty times," I
+ses. "Forty-one's your lucky number," 'e ses; "try again." Went for a
+stroll in the evenin', but these 'ere camps is too far away from
+anything to please me.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Tuesday._--My day as Tent Orderly. I never see such a lot of chaps to
+grumble as our tent. Fust of all the bread warn't right, then I 'adn't
+got enough coffee, an' the bacon was done too much--why 'adn't I kicked
+up a row? "Look 'ere," I ses, "you bloomin' well take wot you gets, an'
+if you aint satisfied you complain to the off'cer of the day; _'e_ won't
+stand much of yer lip. I know my work," I ses, "an' I done it."
+
+Had to peel a reg'lar pile of taters, twice as many as they ought to
+want. "There," I ses to our company cook, "'ow's that?" "Why, you've bin
+an' wasted nigh on 'arf of 'em," 'e ses. "An' then yer tent will be
+hollerin' out as I cheats 'em. _I_ know 'em," 'e ses. An' sure enough
+they did, only it were the gravy as they didn't like this time. I shall
+be bloomin' glad when I'm a Sergint, an' 'as a mess to ourselves. 'Ad
+narrow shave of being late for p'rade. You aint got no time to spare
+when you're Orderly.
+
+Thought nothing would satisfy our off'cers to-day. We was trying all
+sorts of things like they does 'em at the war, an' we was fairly sick of
+it, but the Colonel 'e rides by an' sings out as we was the best company
+'e'd seen that morning, so that was all right, an' we didn't mind being
+shoved about.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Wednesday._--We was practised in advanced guard the first thing this
+morning, all the companies working separate. After a bit, I'm blowed if
+yer could tell what any of 'em was at, they was so mixed up. Afore we
+starts, our Captain 'e explains to us what we was supposed to do; _'e_
+may 'ave understood what 'e was drivin' at, but I'm blest if any of us
+did. 'Owever, after a bit I begins to see what we was meant to be doin',
+an' bimeby the Captain 'e tells me to take two men as a patrol to
+examine a wood as was near by. D'rectly we was out of sight one of 'em
+starts playin' the goat, till I gives 'im a shove in the back wi' the
+butt just to remind 'im as I was in command. The Major come along jist
+then an' asks me what we was? I tells 'im as we were a patrol, an' 'e
+tells me the proper way to do it, an' what to report to the Captain.
+
+After breakfast we was out again doin' outposts. Wish they wouldn't 'ave
+so much make believe about it. Supposin' now they puts yer in a group as
+sentries. "The henemy," they ses, "is somewhere over there, an' you've
+to watch that bit o' country in front of you; the countersign's
+'Bunkum,' an' you've to keep under cover." Well, there aint no henemy,
+an' nothin' aint goin' to 'appen, an' yer wouldn't know wot to do if it
+did, so you just lies down an' smokes till the "assembly" goes, an' then
+you comes back. It may teach officers something, but it don't teach us
+much.
+
+As we was out for the day only 'ad a sort o' bread an' water picnic
+instead of dinner, which we 'as when we gets back to camp. We was put
+through what they calls an attack drill after, but I didn't think much
+of it; started off with about twenty yards between you an' the next man,
+an' then as we advanced, they comes crowdin' up from be'ind till the
+firin' line were like a bloomin' football scrimmage, with about four
+different Battalions all atop o' one another, an' loosin' off right an'
+left whether they was in front or be'ind. "'Ere," I ses to Ted
+Parminter, "this aint no place for us, it's too bloomin' dangerous. I'm
+going to be a casualty." An' we drops be'ind. "Wot bally rot!" I 'eard
+one off'cer say, an' I quite agreed with 'im.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Thursday._--Everyone 'ad to clean the bloomin' camp twice over to-day,
+as we was to be inspected. I niver seen such a place for getting dirty;
+you brushes yerself down an' blacks yer boots an' polishes up yer rifle,
+an' in ten minutes you are that covered in dust as you look as if you
+'adn't washed for a week.
+
+Got sent out with a patrol again. Saw a General ridin' along our way, so
+we got be'ind an 'edge till 'e'd gone by. Just after we got back to the
+picket another General comes along an' asks all sorts of questions, an'
+didn't seem to think much of the answers 'e got. We was all 'oping it
+were over for the day, when along comes a whole lot o' Generals all
+together, and one of 'em calls out to us to fall in. We gets up an'
+begins dusting ourselves down a bit, when 'e yells at us for not being
+in our places at once, an' goes for us 'ot an' strong; then 'e starts
+asking questions as made me shiver. All of a sudden 'e ses: "Who was in
+charge of the last patrol as went out?" The Captain calls me up, and the
+General ses, "Where did you go?" I tells 'im I went as far as the wood.
+"See anything of the enemy?" 'e ses. "There weren't none there," I ses.
+"How do you know?" ses 'e; "you ar'n't allowed to enter the woods about
+here." "Well, Sir," I ses, "we didn't go in, but there's only two places
+where anybody could get in without doing damage, and there weren't no
+footmarks there." "What forage can I get down there?" 'e ses. "There's
+about three ton o' bad 'ay, Sir, at one of the cottages, but it aint
+worth 'aulin'," I ses, an' 'e tells me to fall back in the ranks, which
+I was precious glad to do. Our Captain said, when they was gone, as 'ow
+I'd answered very well, an' 'ow I ought to go for a stripe. I said as I
+should like to.
+
+Paraded in the afternoon for the reg'lar inspection; was kept out in the
+burnin' sun standing still for about two hours while another General
+walked round an' looked at our buttons an' boots, an' found fault with
+every blessed thing. They seems to think yer kit is made to look at, not
+to use. As I ses to Ted in the canteen after, "We comes to camp for
+trainin', an' this 'ere's nothing but wastin' time, as could be done at
+'ome anywhere."
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Friday._--Revelly 'arf 'our earlier this morning, as we 'ad a longish
+march to do. Precious 'ot it were, too, an' we were main glad to get a
+rest before beginning operations. Don't know what we was supposed to be
+doin', but we got posted on the side of an 'ill where we could 'ave seen
+everything as was goin' on, but d'rectly you gets up to 'ave a look some
+one starts bellerin', "Lie down there!" till we all got the bloomin'
+'ump. After a bit they takes us back the way we come and we lay down
+again, then they advances us up the 'ill again; then they shifts us
+about all over the shop, backerds an' forrards, till we didn't know
+where we was. At last a off'cer comes galloping over to our Colonel and
+they seemed to be 'avin' a few words, and we advances an' 'alts,
+advances an' 'alts, for about a hour an' a 'arf, an' then just as we was
+getting up to the firing line an' thinkin' this was a bit of all right
+at last, the bugles go, "Cease fire." "Taint fair," ses Dick Jennings;
+"let's shoot the bloomin' humpire." Getting back to camp were a bit
+thick, 'ow we did it without fallin' out I don't know. No one who aint
+done it theirselves knows wot marchin' ten mile in fours on a road two
+inches deep in dust is like; yer rifle weighs about a ton, an' yer
+water's gone at the first 'alt. The bloomin' band as ought to 'ave met
+us an' played us 'ome, went an' lost itself, an' never showed up till we
+was almost back to camp. Colonel 'e's give out as every man is to 'ave a
+hextra pint issued to 'im. I 'ad three more on my own; 'ad a bit of a
+sing-song in the evenin', but we was too tired to do much.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+_Saturday._--Regular scrimmage striking tents an' getting blankets an'
+baggage together, but got it done some'ow--a regular nigger drivin' sort
+of job.
+
+Felt quite sorry when we fell in on p'rade for the last time. Camp's
+stiffish work an' everybody grumbles, but it aint bad fun on the whole;
+an' after all a chap as 'as been to camp is worth half-a-dozen as
+'asn't, you learns things there that you can't learn nohow else, no
+matter 'ow clever you are.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Outposts.
+
+  Both the sentry and the group indulge in a little "Nap."]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: BLANK CARTRIDGES]
+
+What the service would be without the Junior Subaltern the Junior
+Subaltern cannot imagine.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+Do not anathematize the genius who formulates the Regulations. He is
+quite right, if you could but understand him.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+Gun practice with obsolete weapons is instructive. One cannot know too
+much of the history of one's country.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+A sealed pattern at the War Office is something different from the kit
+you have just purchased.
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: At Last!
+
+  Private Jones having contrived to sit upon his bayonet, the various
+  ambulances and bearer sections get a look in.]
+
+The expenses of the officer's dress should be reduced whenever possible.
+Abolish ten shillings worth of lace, and substitute three buttons at
+three-and-sixpence apiece. There is only a slight difference, but every
+little helps.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Rifles should be cleaned very carefully: one man should hold the rifle,
+and the other should manipulate the "pull-through."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The difference between field service kit and parade dress is very
+marked. You wear out the one and grow out of the other.
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Off Duty.
+
+  That enthusiastic Volunteer, Jack Rackett, holds that, while in camp,
+  you should consider yourself a soldier for the time being; but, he says,
+  Tommy has a "deuced good time, don't you know!"]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: Trouble in the Band.
+
+  _Bugler:_ "'Ere, if you go on increasin' at this rate, Fatty, you'll
+  'ave to send in your resignation. You won't be able to reach the middle
+  o' the drum soon!"]
+
+You may be traffic manager of a railway, but you cannot know as much
+about a baggage train as a Second Lieutenant in the Army Service Corps
+who has been at it for a week.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+  Now this is the creed of the Subaltern.--
+      The Subaltern knows everything and does everything.
+      The Captain knows (?) everything and does nothing.
+      The Major knows nothing and does nothing.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is such a thing as too much enthusiasm, and when, after joining
+the Signalling section, Edwin's fond epistles took the above form,
+Angelina decided that it was time to break off the engagement.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+If you want to know anything always ask the Adjutant; recollect that he
+has nothing to do but to attend to _you_.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+No water-cart is perfect. You may abuse it without incurring rebuke.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+When in doubt say you have received no instructions.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+Many rules apply equally well in civil and military life. If you are in
+a responsible position, never do anything till you are absolutely
+pushed.
+
+Presenting arms never killed the enemy, neither has physical drill, but
+each helps to make a soldier.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+It is curious how an indifferent shot always gets a badly sighted rifle
+issued to him.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+"Intelligence in the obeyin' of commands," said "Tiny," "is of the
+utmost importance. If you are with an off'cer as knows 'is work you may
+close yer eyes and rest in peace, an' just do as you're told without
+worryin'. But they differ. There's that little devil with the eyeglass
+now, if 'e's takin' you an' you see me convenient to 'is elbow you can
+be easy in your minds an' jump to the word, but if, by misfortune, 'e's
+out there alone, keep yer wits about yer an' step off slow, for 'As you
+were' an' 'Mark time' is favourite commands with 'im.'"
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+"Discipline is a good word; it fills the mouth and makes the chest swell
+with the sound, but it's easier to spell than to explain," said "Tiny."
+"I have not my patent-instalment-plan Dictionary with me, but 'tis in
+the nature of obedience, only more so. Any fool can do as 'e's told, but
+the disciplined man will do it even when 'e thinks it's wrong--not, I
+want ye to understand, just because it's an order, but because 'e ses to
+'imself: this is for a reason as I don't know on. F'rinstance, when the
+father told the boy to slip into the orchard an' shin up a tree an'
+collar all the apples 'e could, that boy didn't hesitate, but started
+'tooty sweet,' as the French say. Now, thinks 'e as 'e goes along,
+'Wot's the little game? The apples is rotten, the dawg's about, an' the
+farmer 'll catch me for sure. It can't be for the sake of getting me a
+lammin', cos,' says he, 'the ole man likes doin' that 'isself. I don't
+'arf like the looks of it,' 'e says, 'but I'll take me precautions:'
+with that he shoves a bone in 'is pocket to amuse the tripe hound if he
+gets too pressing, an' takes a stone or two for the farmer, an' by the
+end of the campaign comes back to find that the enemy's attention
+'aving been diverted to the orchard, the ole man 'as cleaned out the hen
+roost, an' there's a hot supper an' general rejoicings."
+
+  [Illustration: "All exercises should generally conclude with a
+  conference, at which Officers and Non-commissioned Officers should be
+  encouraged to explain any action they may have taken." _Vide_ Army
+  Orders, 1901.]
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+The original hyphenation, spelling and grammar have been preserved.
+
+Page 21, "Reglashuns" changed to "Reg'lashuns" [Ed. for consistency]
+Page 99, 'anywhere.' changed to 'anywhere."'
+Page 111, "isself" changed to "'isself"
+
+
+
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