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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cabinet Minister, by Arthur Pinero
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cabinet Minister
+       A farce in four acts
+
+Author: Arthur Pinero
+
+Release Date: October 1, 2010 [EBook #33957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CABINET MINISTER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by K Nordquist, Branko Collin, Louise Pattison
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian
+Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+_The Cabinet Minister_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Arthur W. Pinero_
+
+
+
+
+_THE CABINET MINISTER_
+
+
+
+
+_THE PLAYS OF ARTHUR W. PINERO._
+
+IN MONTHLY VOLUMES.
+
+Price _1s. 6d._, paper; _2s. 6 d._, cloth.
+
+     1. _+The Times.+ A Comedy in Four Acts._
+
+     2. _+The Profligate.+ A Play in Four Acts. With a Portrait, and
+        a Preface by Malcolm C. Salaman._
+
+     3. _+The Cabinet Minister.+ A Farce in Four Acts. With an
+        Introductory Note by Malcolm C. Salaman._
+
+     4. _+The Hobby Horse.+ [Ready February._
+
+_To be followed by "Lady Bountiful," "Dandy Dick," "The Magistrate,"
+"The Schoolmistress," "The Weaker Sex," "Lords and Commons," "The
+Squire," and "Sweet Lavender."_
+
+
+
+
+THE CABINET MINISTER
+
+A FARCE
+
+In Four Acts
+
+By ARTHUR W. PINERO
+
+LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN
+
+MDCCCXCII
+
+COPYRIGHT, JANUARY 1892.
+
+_All rights reserved._
+
+_Entered at Stationers' Hall._
+
+_Entered at the Library of Congress, Washington, U.S.A._
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTORY NOTE
+
+
+It is well known that Mr. Pinero holds decided views of his own as to
+the nature and function of farce; indeed, he claims for it a wider scope
+and a more comprehensive purpose than have ever been associated with
+farce of the old Adelphi type, or the more modern genus of the Palais
+Royal. He has openly expressed his opinion that farce must gradually
+become the modern equivalent of comedy, since the present being an age
+of sentiment rather than of manners, the comic playwright must of
+necessity seek his humour in the exaggeration of sentiment. Thus Mr.
+Pinero holds that farce should treat of probable people placed in
+possible circumstances, but regarded from a point of view which
+exaggerates their sentiments and magnifies their foibles. In this light
+it is permitted to this class of play, not only to deal with ridiculous
+incongruities of incident and character, but to satirise society, and to
+wring laughter from those possible distresses of life which might trace
+their origin to fallacies of feeling and extravagances of motive.
+
+"The Cabinet Minister" is the latest of Mr. Pinero's series of farces,
+and it may be regarded as the direct development of ideas which he began
+to put into practice when he wrote "The Magistrate." Since then these
+ideas have undergone a process of gradual evolution, which may be
+clearly traced through the successive productions of "The
+Schoolmistress," "Dandy Dick," and "The Cabinet Minister," in each of
+which it will be seen that the author has aimed less at the exposition
+of a plot than at the satirising of particular types of character in a
+possible social atmosphere.
+
+"The Cabinet Minister" was written early in 1889, and produced by Mrs.
+John Wood and Mr. Arthur Chudleigh at the Court Theatre, on April 23,
+1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following is a copy of the Programme:--
+
+    ROYAL COURT THEATRE.
+
+    UNDER THE MANAGEMENT OF MRS. JOHN WOOD.
+
+    ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23rd,
+
+    At 8 o'clock,
+
+    WILL BE ACTED FOR THE FIRST TIME
+
+    AN ORIGINAL FARCE IN FOUR ACTS, CALLED
+
+    THE CABINET MINISTER,
+
+    BY
+
+    A. W. PINERO.
+
+
+  EARL OF DRUMDURRIS
+    (in the Guards)                               Mr. RICHARD SAUNDERS.
+
+  VISCOUNT  ABERBROTHOCK
+      (his Son)                                      *   *   *   *
+
+  RIGHT HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, G.C.M.G., M.P.
+    (Secretary of State for the ---- Department)  Mr. ARTHUR CECIL.
+
+  BROOKE TWOMBLEY (his Son)                       Mr. E. ALLAN AYNESWORTH.
+
+  MACPHAIL OF BALLOCHEEVIN                        Mr. BRANDON THOMAS.
+
+  MR. JOSEPH LEBANON                              Mr. WEEDON GROSSMITH.
+
+  VALENTINE WHITE
+    (Lady Twombley's Nephew)                      Mr. HERBERT WARING.
+
+  MR. MITFORD[A]
+    (Sir Julian's Private Secretary)              Mr. FRANK FARREN.
+
+  THE MUNKITTRICK                                 Mr. JOHN CLULOW.
+
+  PROBYN (A Servant)                              Mr. ERNEST PATON.
+
+  DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS                  Miss R. G. LE THIERE.
+
+  LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART (her Daughter)             Miss ISABEL ELLISSEN.
+
+  COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS                          Miss EVA MOORE.
+
+  LADY TWOMBLEY                                   Mrs. JOHN WOOD.
+
+  IMOGEN (her Daughter)                           Miss FLORENCE TANNER.
+
+  LADY MACPHAIL                                   Mrs. EDMUND PHELPS.
+
+  HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE
+    (a Young Widow trading as Mauricette
+    et Cie., 17A, Plunkett Street, Mayfair)      Miss ROSINA FILIPPI.
+
+  ANGELE                                         Miss MARIANNE CALDWELL.
+
+  MISS MUNKITTRICK                               Miss FLORENCE HARRINGTON.
+
+    [A] _Subsequently changed to_ MELTON.
+
+
+    ACT I.
+
+    DEBT.
+
+    _At_ Sir JULIAN TWOMBLEY'S, _Chesterfield Gardens. May._
+
+
+    ACT II.
+
+    DIFFICULTIES.
+
+    _At_ Sir JULIAN'S _again. July._
+
+
+    ACT III.
+
+    DISASTER.
+
+    _At Drumdurris Castle, Perthshire. August._
+
+
+    ACT IV.
+
+    DANCING.
+
+    _The same place. The next day._
+
+
+    THE SCENERY IS DESIGNED AND PAINTED BY T. W. HALL.
+
+
+The reception on the first night was of a half-hearted character, for
+the play had been described simply as a farce, and the audience found
+itself laughing at seemingly serious situations which it felt should
+properly provoke tears, feeling sympathetically interested in passages
+of sentiment one moment, only to mock at them the next, and, in fact,
+experiencing constant perplexity as to its emotional duties. The
+programme certainly said "farce" in black and white, and what could that
+mean but unmitigated nonsense and laughter? Yet, here was actual drama
+with a whimsical twist that was most surprising; here were bits of
+pathos which were positively comic. Could this be farce? But happily
+that kind of criticism is soon forgotten whose principle is, like that
+of _Mr. Punch's_ navvy, "Here's a stranger, let's 'eave 'alf a brick at
+him." The "mixed" greeting of "The Cabinet Minister" gave place to very
+enthusiastic receptions on succeeding nights, and, in spite of the
+perplexity confessed in many of the criticisms of the play, the theatre
+was crowded night after night, and the fashionable and political worlds
+flocked to the Court, many leading politicians being frequent visitors.
+
+The season terminated on August 8, and the theatre re-opened on October
+11, from which time the popularity of Mr. Pinero's play continued as
+great as ever. But, after 197 performances, Mrs. John Wood decided to
+withdraw "The Cabinet Minister" on February 14, 1891, in the very zenith
+of its success, while a further long run was still to be reasonably
+expected. This play has not yet been seen in the provinces, but Mr.
+Augustin Daly has arranged to produce it, with his famous company, at
+his theatre in New York early in the present month.
+
+    MALCOLM C. SALAMAN.
+
+    _January 1892._
+
+
+
+
+_THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY_
+
+
+    RIGHT HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, G.C.M.G.,
+      M.P., _Secretary of State for the * * * Department_
+
+    LADY TWOMBLEY
+
+    BROOKE TWOMBLEY, _their son_
+
+    IMOGEN, _their daughter_
+
+    DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, _her daughter_
+
+    EARL OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    VISCOUNT ABERBROTHOCK, _their son_
+
+    LADY MACPHAIL
+
+    MACPHAIL OF BALLOCHEEVIN, _her son_
+
+    VALENTINE WHITE, _Lady Twombley's nephew_
+
+    HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE, _trading as Mauricette et Cie.,
+      17a Plunkett Street, Mayfair_
+
+    MR. JOSEPH LEBANON
+
+    MR. MELTON
+
+    THE MUNKITTRICK
+
+    MISS MUNKITTRICK
+
+    PROBYN
+
+    ANGELE
+
+
+
+
+    _THE FIRST ACT_
+
+    DEBT
+
+
+    _THE SECOND ACT_
+
+    DIFFICULTIES
+
+
+    _THE THIRD ACT_
+
+    DISASTER
+
+
+    _THE FOURTH ACT_
+
+    DANCING
+
+
+
+
+THE CABINET MINISTER
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST ACT.
+
+DEBT
+
+
+The scene is a conservatory built and decorated in Moorish style, in the
+house of the RT. HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, M.P., Chesterfield Gardens,
+London. A fountain is playing, and tall palms lend their simple elegance
+to the elaborate Algerian magnificence of the place. The drawing-rooms
+are just beyond the curtained entrances. It is a May afternoon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY, a good-looking but insipid young man of about
+two-and-twenty, faultlessly dressed for the afternoon, enters, and sits
+dejectedly, turning over some papers.
+
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I've done it. Such an afternoon's work--what! [Reading.] "Schedule of
+the Debts of Mr. Brooke Twombley. [Turning over sheet after sheet.]
+Tradesmen. Betting Transactions. Baccarat. Miscellaneous Amusements.
+Sundries. Extras."
+
+[PROBYN, a servant in powder and livery, is crossing the conservatory,
+when he sees BROOKE.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Oh, Mr. Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Slipping the schedule into his pocket.] Eh!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+I didn't know you were in, sir. Her ladyship told me to give you this,
+Mr. Brooke--quietly.
+
+[He hands BROOKE a letter which he has taken from his pocket.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Glancing at the envelope.] The Mater. Thank you. [A little cough is
+heard. He looks toward the drawing-room.] Is anyone there?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre, sir.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The dressmaker! What does she want?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+She told Phipps, Miss Imogen's maid, sir, that she was anxious to see
+the effect of her ladyship's and Miss Imogen's gowns when they get back
+from the Drawing-Room.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+You should take her upstairs.
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Beg your pardon, Mr. Brooke, but we've always understood that when Mrs.
+Gaylustre calls in the morning she's a dressmaker, and when she calls in
+the afternoon she's a lady.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, very well; it's awfully confusing. [PROBYN goes out. BROOKE reads
+the letter.] "My sweet child. For heaven's sake let me have your
+skeddle, or whatever you call your list of debts, directly. I'll do my
+best to get you out of your scrape, though _how_ I can't think. I'm
+desperately short of money, and altogether--as my poor dear father used
+to say--things are as blue as old Stilton. If your pa finds out what a
+muddle I'm in, I fear he'll throw up public life and bury us in the
+country, and then good-by to my dear boy's and girl's prospects. So if I
+contrive to clear you once more, don't do it again, my poppet, or you'll
+break the heart of your loving mother, Kitty Twombley." The Mater's a
+brick--what! But I wonder if she has any notion how much it tots up to.
+
+[He places the letter upon the back of a large saddle-bag arm-chair
+while he takes out the schedule.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Three thousand seven hundred and fifty-six, nought, two. What!
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+A young man wants to see you, Mr. Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Who is it?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+No card, sir--and rather queerly dressed. Says he has a wish to shake
+hands with you on the door-step.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I say! He mustn't, you know--what!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+I don't quite like the look of him, sir; gives the name of White--Mr.
+Valentine White.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, that's my cousin!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Cousin, sir! I beg pardon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where is he?
+
+[BROOKE goes out quickly, followed by PROBYN. The HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE,
+an attractive, self-possessed, mischievous-looking woman, of not more
+than thirty, very fashionably dressed, enters from the drawing-room.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How very charming! Lady Twombley's latest fad, the Algerian
+conservatory. And there was a time when a sprig of geranium on the
+window-sill would have contented her. [Looking at a photograph of LADY
+TWOMBLEY upon the table.] There she is--Kitty Twombley. In one of my
+gowns too. Kitty Twombley, once Kitty White, the daughter of a poor
+farmer down in Cleverton. Ah, when young Mr. Julian Twombley came
+canvassing Farmer White's vote he found you innocently scrubbing the
+bricks, I suppose! And now! [With a courtesy.] Lady Twombley, wife of a
+Cabinet Minister and Patroness Extraordinary of that deserving young
+widow, Fanny Gaylustre! [She sits surveying the portraits upon the
+table.] Ha, ha! I'll turn you all to account some fine day. Why
+shouldn't I finish as well as the dairy-fed daughter of a Devonshire
+yokel? What on earth is wrong with my bonnet? [She puts her hand up
+behind her head and finds LADY TWOMBLEY's letter which BROOKE had left
+on the back of the chair.] Lady Twombley's writing. [Reading.] "My sweet
+child. For heaven's sake let me have your skeddle----" [She sits up
+suddenly and devours the contents of the letter.] Oh! [Reading aloud.]
+"I'm desperately short of money! Things are as blue as old Stilton! If
+your pa finds out----!" My word!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Heard speaking outside.] My dear Valentine, why shouldn't you come
+in--what?
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE creeps round in front of the table and disappears with
+the letter in her hand as BROOKE enters, dragging in VALENTINE WHITE, a
+roughly-dressed, handsome young fellow of about six-and-twenty, bronzed
+and bearded.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Now, Brooke, you know I cut away from England years ago because I
+couldn't endure ceremony of any kind.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm not treating you with ceremony--what!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Looking about him.] Phew! the atmosphere's charged with it. That fellow
+with his hair powdered nearly sent me running down the street like a mad
+dog.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where the deuce have you been for the last six or eight years?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Where? Oh, buy a geography; call it, "Explorations of Valentine White in
+Search of Freedom," and there you have it.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Freedom!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Blessed freedom from forms, shams, and ceremonies of all sorts and
+descriptions.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, you left us for South Africa. Didn't South Africa satisfy you?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Satisfy me! I joined the expedition to Bangwaketsi. What were the
+consequences?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Fever?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Worse. There's no ceremony about fever. No, Brooke, I was snubbed by a
+major in the Kalahari Desert, because I didn't dress for dinner.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then we heard of you herding filthy cattle in Mexico.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Yes, at Durango. I enjoyed that, till some younger sons of the nobility
+came out and left cards at my hut. I afterwards drove a railway engine
+in Bolivia.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+By Jove, how awful--what! Wasn't that sufficiently beastly rough?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+My dear fellow, would you believe it--I got hold of a stoker who was a
+decayed British baronet! The affected way in which that man shovelled on
+coals was unendurable. So I've come back, hopelessly wise.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Serve you right for kicking at refinement and good form and all that
+sort of thing. What!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Mimicking BROOKE.] Varnish, and veneer, and all that sort of
+thing--what!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, confound you! Well, you'll dine here at a quarter to eight, Val,
+won't you?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Dine in Chesterfield Gardens! Thirteen courses and eight wines! Heaven
+forgive you, Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Look here, you shall eat on the floor with a wooden spoon.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Thank you--even your floors are too highly polished. Tell Aunt Kitty and
+little Imogen that I shall walk in Kensington Gardens to-morrow morning
+at ten.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Little Imogen! Haw, haw!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Well?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think it will pretty considerably wound your susceptibilities to hear
+that my sister Imogen is being presented by the Mater this afternoon.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[In horror.] Presented!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Presented at Court--Drawing-Room, you know.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+How dare they! poor little child!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haw, haw! If you'll wait a few minutes you'll see an imposing display of
+trains and feathers. Some of them are coming on here after the ceremony
+to drink tea, I believe.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Trains and feathers! Good gracious, Brooke, Imogen must have grown up!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Here's her portrait--what?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Staring at the portrait.] I am right, Brooke--she _has_ grown up!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haw!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Eight years ago she was a romp, with a frock that always had a tear in
+it, and a head like a cornfield in the wind. Just look at this! While
+I've been away they've given her a new frock and brushed her hair. What
+an awful change!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the conservatory entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Lady Euphemia Vibart.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, a handsome, distinguished-looking, and elegantly
+dressed girl of about twenty, enters. She scarcely notices VALENTINE,
+who bows formally.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+No one has returned yet, Brooke?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Effie, don't you recollect Mr. White?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh! how do you do? [She shakes hands with him in an affected manner.] We
+are distantly related, I remember.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Lady Euphemia, I join you in remembering the relationship--and the
+distance.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, I don't mean that, Mr. White. At any rate, we were excellent friends
+many years ago when our cousin Imogen used to give us tea in her
+school-room. She will be _too_ rejoiced at your return.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[At the window.] Hullo, I think pa has come home.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-by, Lady Euphemia.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I say, Effie, Mr. White won't stay.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Indifferently.] What a pity!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+He has turned against civilization, you know, and has become a sort of
+pleasant cannibal.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+A cannibal! That is _too_ interesting. Pray remain, Mr. White. My
+brother, Lord Drumdurris, is on duty at the Palace to-day and is coming
+on here. We all knew each other as children. He will be _too_ delighted.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I recollect Lord Vibart, as he then was, very well. He once burnt me
+with a red-hot poker.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Good-humouredly, I am sure. Perhaps you have not heard that he married
+Lady Egidia Cardelloe, Lord Struddock's second daughter, about two years
+ago. If you stay you will meet her also.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Ah, I am afraid I--I----
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+You will find her _too_ enchanting.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, he won't. She's not tattooed or anything.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+They have a little son, just five months old, who is _too_ divine.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, now, if you boiled the baby it might be to Val's taste.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+As they have been constantly travelling, Egidia is only just presented
+to-day by my mother. You recollect Lady Drumdurris, my mother?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Perfectly.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Poking VALENTINE in the side.] Old Lady Drum!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+My mother will be _too_ charmed to meet you again.
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Sir Julian is coming into the conservatory, sir.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa! [PROBYN goes out.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, dear Sir Julian! [She runs out.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Look sharp, Brooke. Let me out.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Val, I'll tell you what. Come upstairs and smoke a cigarette in my room,
+and I'll bring the Mater and Imogen to you on the quiet when the people
+are gone.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why, Brooke, do you think that Aunt Kitty and Imogen want a roving
+relative on the premises who isn't worth tuppence!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bosh! Look out, here's pa! He seems awfully mumpish. Come on.
+
+[He takes VALENTINE out. Directly they are gone LADY EUPHEMIA re-enters
+with SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, an aristocratic but rather weak-looking man of
+about fifty-five, wearing his Ministerial uniform.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Are you pleased to get back, uncle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Emphatically.] Yes.
+
+[She places him in the arm-chair. He sinks into it with a sigh.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+How is your neuralgia?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Intense. It has been so ever since----
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Putting her smelling-bottle to his nose.] Ever since?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ever since I took Office. Thank you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Was it a very brilliant Drawing-Room?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think it must have been. I have been more than usually trodden upon.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Did you catch a glimpse of Aunt Kitty or of any of our people?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I _heard_ Lady Twombley. What inexhaustible spirit she has! Euphemia, my
+dear, I confide in you. But for Lady Twombley I could never endure the
+badgering, the browbeating, the hackling, for which I seem especially
+selected.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+It's _too_ unjust.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I know I am going to have a bad time in the House to-night!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Don't dwell upon it, uncle.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Euphemia! [He jumps up almost fiercely.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Uncle Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Certain members of the Opposition are going too far. They regard me as a
+bull in the arena. They goad me, they pierce me with questions. And
+then, the lack of journalistic sympathy! Look here!
+
+[He stealthily produces a newspaper from his pocket.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Reproachfully.] Uncle Julian, you've bought a newspaper. You promised
+aunt you never would.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! I would have you know, Euphemia, that I have not absolutely broken
+my pledge to Lady Twombley. I made Harris, the coachman, purchase this.
+As you drive home drop it out of your carriage window.
+
+[As LADY EUPHEMIA takes the paper from him her eyes fall upon a
+paragraph.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh! do they mean you, uncle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Without doubt.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Reading.] "The Square Peg!"
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hush! the servant!
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA crams the paper into her pocket. PROBYN enters, carrying
+a small music-easel with some music on it and a flute in a case.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Here, Sir Julian?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, do play, uncle!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Thank you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+It will soothe you.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Taking the flute from PROBYN.] My only vice, Euphemia. [PROBYN goes
+out. SIR JULIAN sounds a mournful note.] This little friend has inspired
+some of my most conspicuous oratorical triumphs. It has furnished me
+with many a cutting rejoinder for question time. [He sounds another
+note.] Ah, I know I am going to have such a bad night in the House.
+
+[He plays. MRS. GAYLUSTRE enters with BROOKE.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To herself.] That woman!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA.] How do you do?
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA stares, inclines her head slightly, and goes to BROOKE.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Haughty wretch!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Sir Julian, don't, don't stop!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I thought I was alone with Lady Euphemia.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I am waiting to see dear Lady Twombley. Oh, do permit me to hear that
+sweet instrument!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pray sit down!
+
+[SIR JULIAN resumes his seat and plays a plaintive melody. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE listens in a rapt attitude.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] That person is _too_ odious to me.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Several people have taken her up.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Somehow, being taken up is what she suggests.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+She seems a sort of society mermaid--half a lady and half a
+milliner--what? Only it bothers you to know where the one leaves off and
+the other begins. Who is she?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+In prehistoric days she was a Miss Lebanon. Lord Bulpitt's son, Percy
+Gaylustre, met her at Nice--or somewhere.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, yes, and he married her--or something.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, and now she's a widow--or something.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why does the Mater encourage her?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Because Aunt Kate is _too_ good-hearted and impressionable. But, as a
+rule, I think Mrs. Gaylustre makes a considerable reduction to those who
+ask her to their parties. [MRS. GAYLUSTRE is bending over SIR JULIAN and
+turning his music.] Look!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Here's Sir Julian, my lady.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo, Mater!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY, a handsome, bright, good-humoured woman, dressed
+magnificently in Court dress, enters. PROBYN retires, and SIR JULIAN
+stops playing.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kissing BROOKE.] Well, Brooke, darling, have you wanted your mother?
+[Kissing LADY EUPHEMIA.] Effie, how sweet you look! what a dream of a
+bonnet! [Nods to MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] How d'ye do, Mrs. Gaylustre? Why, pa!
+[She bends over him and kisses him.] You're worried--you've been
+playing your whistle.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Flute, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I mean flute. It was my brother Bob who always played a whistle when the
+crops were poor or the lambs fell sickly.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I had not the advantage of your brother Robert's acquaintance.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where's Imogen? Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Outside.] Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Come and show yourself to pa.
+
+[IMOGEN enters in her Court dress, a pretty girl of about eighteen.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Effie, dear! Well, Brooke!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] Look at her!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Quite charming!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Well, papa, have you nothing to say to me?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear, I hesitate to address such a magnificent creature.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Bowing to SIR JULIAN.] Mamma, I think that gentleman wishes to be
+presented to me. I have no objection, if you consider him a person I
+ought to know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kissing IMOGEN.] Ah, Julian, our sweet child!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Taking IMOGEN's hand.] My dear.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[With dignity.] I am pleased to make your acquaintance. I've heard you
+mentioned very kindly by my little friend, Imogen Twombley. Pray sit
+down, and I'll sit on your lap. [IMOGEN sits on SIR JULIAN's knee and
+puts her arm round his neck.] Oh, papa, I have been so nervous!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I quite sympathize. I was shockingly nervous when _I_ was presented.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Rising hastily.] Mrs. Gaylustre--I didn't see you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To BROOKE and LADY EUPHEMIA.] Dear old Lady Leeke, whose wheels we
+locked in the Park, said she had heard Imogen's name mentioned fifty
+times. Mrs. Charlie Lessingham declares nothing prettier has been seen
+since her own first season. And it's true--that's the best of it! I saw
+the child make her courtesy; I was determined I would. I entered the
+Throne Room just before her and tumbled through anyhow, with one eye
+straight in front of me and the other screwed round towards my girl.
+There was a general shudder--it was at my squint.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I trust not, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I did get through they gave me my train, as much as to say: "If
+this belongs to you, take it home as soon as possible." But there I
+stuck in the doorway, not budging an inch. I didn't care how the
+officials whispered, and waved, and beckoned; I stood my ground. And
+then, Julian, then my breath nearly went from me, for I saw her coming!
+Effie, it was lovely! Brooke, you would have been proud of your sister!
+Her cheeks were like the outside leaf of a Duchesse de Vallombrosa rose,
+and her eyes like two dewdrops on the top of it; and she had just enough
+fright in her little heart to make her feathers tremble. Then she
+courtesied. Ah, if she had stumbled I should have been by her side in an
+instant--who would have blamed me? I'm her mother!--but she didn't. No,
+she floated towards me--dipping, and dipping, and dipping, again and
+again, as smoothly and gracefully as a swan swimming backward!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY embraces IMOGEN.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+I am _too_ glad, Aunt Kitty.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Awfully satisfactory--what?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I remember Lady Liphook's daughter Miriam falling and rolling over in
+the season of '85.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lor' how sorry I feel for anybody who isn't a mother! But, I say,
+there's a bit that wants taking in there. [Pinching up the shoulder of
+IMOGEN's dress.] Gaylustre, you must tell your woman Antoinette this
+won't do.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Lady Twombley--please!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE puts her handkerchief to her eyes.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear, pray forgive me! I really forgot where we were.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, with a little sob.] You wouldn't hurt my feelings
+wilfully, I know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not for the world. But it's a little confusing, mixing up business with
+pleasure. Imogen, let Lady Effie and Mrs. Gaylustre hear you play your
+lovely harp, but don't let the nasty thing hurt your fingers. Brooke, I
+want to speak to you.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA and IMOGEN stroll out, followed by MRS. GAYLUSTRE.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Mournfully.] I'll dress now, Katherine, and go down.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lor', pa, don't speak as if you were thinking of our tomb at Kensal
+Green.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Competent authorities assure me there is quiet to be found in the tomb;
+I anticipate nothing of that kind where I am going to-night.
+
+[He goes out. LADY TWOMBLEY watches his going, then turns to BROOKE
+sharply.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, have you got it?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+My--er----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your skeddle.
+
+[BROOKE hands his schedule to LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+There's a dear boy. [She turns over the leaves, gradually her face
+assumes a look of horror.] "Total, three thousand----!"
+
+[She folds the schedule, puts it in her pocket, and faces BROOKE
+fiercely with her hands clenched.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You imp! [She boxes his right ear soundly.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You villain! [She boxes his left ear.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't, Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Three thousand pounds! Three thousand times I wish you had never been
+born! I--I---- [She breaks down, puts her arms round Brooke's neck, and
+cries.] Oh, Brooke, my dear, forgive your poor mother's vile temper.
+I've made my Brooke's head ache. Oh, my gracious!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't fret, Mater. If you're run rather low at Scott's----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Scott's, Brooke! When I creep into that bank now and ask for my
+pass-book I have to hold on to the edge of the counter, I feel so sick
+and giddy.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, very well then, Mater, I can wait. Mr. Nazareth, of Burlington
+Street, will accommodate me for a time; a couple of bills, you know, at
+three and six months--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Speaking in a whisper.] Brooky, Brooky, I've thought of those dreadful
+things for myself.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+For yourself, Mater! Why, you can always get the right side of pa.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Brooke! Brooky, I must tell you. Just now poor pa has no right side.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's as much as the dear man can do to get a rattle out of his keys. For
+a long time, Brooke, we've all been outrunning the constable.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Really, Mater, I ought to have been consulted before.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know, Brooke, but I couldn't face my boy's reproaches.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa must have been inexcusably reckless--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, it's all my fault, every bit of it. [A pretty melody on the harp is
+heard.] Brooke, never marry a country-bred girl as your pa did. When he
+fell in love with me I was content with three frocks a year--think of
+that!--and had to twist up my own hats. And I could have done it for
+ever down at Cleverton, but I didn't stand the transplanting. Oh, I'll
+never forget how the fine folks snubbed me and sneered at me when I came
+to town. Brooke, my son, I declare to goodness that for ten long years I
+never saw a nose that wasn't turned up! And then pa got his baronetcy,
+and old Lady Drumdurris gave us her forefinger to shake, and that did
+it. But it was too late; I was spoilt by that time. I had been too long
+fishing for friends with dances, and dinners, and drags, and
+race-parties, and all sorts of bait; and when the time came for a few
+people to like me for my own stupid, rough self I'd got into the way of
+scattering sovereigns as freely as I used to sprinkle mignonette seed in
+my little garden at the Yale Farm.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+All this is very painful, Mater--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Crying.] What a silly woman I've been, Brooke!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+We're all thoughtless at times.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If I had but pulled in when pa's Irish rents began to dwindle!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why didn't you, Mater?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I don't know, but I didn't, I only prayed for better times and ordered
+Gillow to refurnish the dining-room. Last season I got through eighteen
+thousand pounds!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+[She twists him round, pointing to the walls of the conservatory.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And look! Look at this sixpenny Algerian grotto I've stuck in the middle
+of the house. Seven thousand four hundred and fifty this cost, not
+counting the hot-water pipes.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is it paid for?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your dear pa transferred the money for it to my account at Scott's, but
+I've gone and spent it on other things.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, my poor heart!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, Mater, any assistance I can render you in this emergency----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, I know. [Seizing his hand and kissing it.] My Brooke! my comfort!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[Outside.] Lady Drumdurris--Dowager Lady Drumdurris.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Egidia and Aunt Dora.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Wiping her eyes.] Your aunt mustn't see me upset. Brooke, don't think
+anything more of what I've told you. I've tumbled into the mud before
+now, but mud dries to dust and I've always managed to shake it off.
+Dora!
+
+[The DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS enters--a portly, rather
+formidable-looking lady of forty-five or fifty, in Court dress and
+diamonds.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, Dora, are you tired?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I hope I am never fatigued in doing my duty to my family, Kate. Here is
+poor Egidia.
+
+[EGIDIA, COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS enters--a small, serious girl, with a
+great deal of presence and dignity, also in Court dress.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+How do you do, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, _poor_ Egidia! Aren't you well, dear?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Egidia received a telegram from Scotland this morning; her son has cut
+his first tooth, during her absence, painfully.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+You also are a mother, Lady Twombley. You can sympathize with such cares
+as those I am now endeavouring to sustain.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA and IMOGEN stroll in.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your boy is five months old, isn't he?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Fergus is precisely five months.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, there are two-and-twenty more teeth to come yet, you know.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Yes, I am schooling myself into that conviction. I am naturally, I hope,
+a woman of more than ordinary courage.
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+Probyn.
+
+Lord Drumdurris.
+
+[The EARL OF DRUMDURRIS, a boyish-looking officer of the Guards, in
+uniform, with much dignity and reserve, enters.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+How do you do, Lady Twombley? Egidia.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith, you have further news from Scotland?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Another telegram.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+[She puts her hand calmly in that of the DOWAGER.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Tell us, my son.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Another tooth. [EGIDIA closes her eyes. The DOWAGER kisses her upon the
+brow.] I offered Lady Macphail and Sir Colin the use of my brougham, but
+they preferred coming on here in their chariot.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Macphail and Sir Colin! Coming here!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] I haven't told you what I've done. Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[Bowing.] Certainly.
+
+[He joins the others, who are talking together.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] I have a motive. My whole life has been one vast
+comprehensive motive. Lady Macphail is the little woman to whom I
+introduced you on the stairs at the Palace.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, but----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I encountered her again, and delivered a message from you begging her to
+come on here with Sir Colin to drink tea.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I never----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I know you didn't. My motive is this. She has just brought her boy to
+London.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is he the great man in the kilt I saw holding on to her lappets?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Yes.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He's thirty, if he's an hour.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+He's more. But he is a fine example of the grand simplicity that exists
+in many Scottish families. Proprietor of eighty thousand acres, head of
+a great clan, Colin Macphail of Ballocheevin remains a child attached to
+his mother.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I shall be very happy to----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah, you grasp my motive!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, I don't.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[In LADY TWOMBLEY's ear.] _Imogen._
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen _must_ make a match this season and marry before the year is out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't deceive yourself, Kate Twombley. You are aware that Julian's
+position in the Ministry is precarious?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You think so?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Everybody thinks so. It's my opinion they'll make a Jonah of him and
+cast him from them before many months are over. You know what that
+means?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Horrible! Julian giving up public life and settling down in some dismal
+swamp as a country gentleman. He has threatened it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Very well then; you must assure your children's future before the blow
+falls. What could you do for Imogen in the country?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A vicar or a small squire.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+More likely a curate or a farmer. Will you resign yourself to that?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never, Dora! I never will! I've had to swallow the husks of London and
+my chicks shall have the barley. Julian _shall_ hold on till they have
+made brilliant marriages!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He shall! Afterwards I'll go back to darning stockings with a light
+heart.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Well spoken, Kate Twombley!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Sir Colin and Lady Macphail.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You see my motive?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, Dora.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL and SIR COLIN enter--she a simple little old woman in
+Court dress, ecstatically sentimental; he a formidable-looking bearded
+man about six feet high, in full Highland costume, bashful and awkward
+in manner, and keeping close to his mother.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY MACPHAIL.] I am delighted to see you here.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Presenting MACPHAIL.] My boy. [He shelters himself behind her and bows
+uneasily.] I have determined to give the lad a season in this mighty
+city, Lady Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, he'll enjoy himself, I'm sure.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Nay, the Macphails never enjoy themselves in the South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm very sorry; perhaps they don't go the right way about it.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Already Colin's feet ache----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do they?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ache to press the heather again, searching for a sight of the red-deer
+in the misty chasms of Ben Muchty, or the wild birds fluttering on the
+gray shore of Loch-na-Doich.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, very pretty country, I dare say.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Where would you be, Colin, at this hour at Castle Ballocheevin? Watching
+the sun sink behind the black peak of Ben-na-Vrachie? Speak, lad!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Sadly.] That is so, mother.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do you do that every evening at home?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, a Macphail always feels like a seagull with a broken wing in the
+South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must take care you don't get him run over.
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[Appearing at the entrance.] Tea is in the yellow room, my lady.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, BROOKE, EGIDIA, and LADY EUPHEMIA go out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Introducing IMOGEN.] Lady Macphail, Sir Colin--my niece, Imogen.
+Imogen, take Sir Colin to tea.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+This way, Sir Colin.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You see my motive?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Waiting for MACPHAIL.] Tea is in this room, Sir Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Looking at IMOGEN, and then, appealingly, at LADY MACPHAIL.] Come,
+mother.
+
+[IMOGEN, MACPHAIL, and LADY MACPHAIL go out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, following the others.] He is impressed!
+
+[SIR JULIAN, in evening dress, enters with a letter in his hand.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine! Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must speak to you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But Dora has just brought a Highland youth here.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't help it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's wrong, pa? How pale and waxy you look!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Handing her the letter.] An urgent letter from old Mr. Mason, my
+solicitor, about my affairs.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Lor', pa--another!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You have it upside down.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Everything connected with our affairs _will_ get that way.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mason is imperative.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He insists upon your considering your pecuniary position.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+What shall I do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Accede to his request--consider it.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I am constantly considering it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hush, pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No man's pecuniary position has ever demanded or received more
+consideration than my own. Day and night my pecuniary position lashes my
+brain into the consistency of a whipped egg.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, be calm!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kate, my pecuniary position interposes between me and grave public
+questions. My very spectacles are toned by it. It is in every blue-book,
+in every page of Hansard, in the preamble of every Bill.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear pa!
+
+Sir Julian Twombley.
+
+It sits with me in committees, accompanies me into the lobbies; it
+receives deputations, replies to questions in the House; it forms part
+of the deliberations of the Cabinet. It warps my political sympathies;
+it distorts my judgment; it obscures my eloquence, and it lames my
+logic! [Taking the letter from LADY TWOMBLEY.] And Mason--asks--me--to
+consider it!
+
+[Leans his head on his hands. She sits on the arm of his chair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Tearfully.] Julian, you--mustn't--give way. Suppose the members of the
+Opposition saw you like this.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[With a groan.] Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Think of those persons who sit--where is it?--on the hatchway--or below
+the gangway, or some uncomfortable place. How rejoiced they'd be!
+[Shaking him gently.] Have courage, Julian--perk up, pa dear.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I cannot go on, Kitty.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, don't say that!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mason's letter decides me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To do what!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yield to a sentiment which I have reason to believe exists on both sides
+of the House----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Resign?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Resign my place in the Ministry--ask for the Chiltern Hundreds----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wind up my affairs in town----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, no!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+And seek peace in rural retirement.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You shan't, pa! Oh, my gracious, you wouldn't be so heartless!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Heartless!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kneeling beside him.] Think of my blessed chicks--my babies. Don't go
+under, Julian, till we've given them the benefit of our magnificent
+position----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Our mag----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wait till my Brooky--our Brooky--has won some handsome, wealthy girl who
+is worthy of him. Hold on till Imogen has made a marriage that will
+make every true mother's mouth water. Then I'll settle down with you
+alone, in a marsh. But don't sink into obscurity till the end of the
+year! I can do wonders by Christmas! Give me till then, pa--give me till
+then!
+
+[She throws her arms round his neck. IMOGEN's harp is heard again. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE enters.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+The wretches! how they ignore me! [Seeing SIR JULIAN and LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+Ah!
+
+[Hiding herself behind a pillar she listens.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But--but--but if I desperately cling to public life a little longer I
+must have money.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course--of course you must have money. But, Julian, you must look to
+me for that.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You, Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must think only of your value to the country, and--leave the rest to
+your wife.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, you have made some little private hoard out of your allowance!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Sinking faintly onto the settee.] Well, pa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+How prudent! How thoughtful!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Go--go to Dora. Make my excuses. I'll follow you when I've pulled myself
+together.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, yes. [Turning.] By the way, Kitty, Hopwoods have just sent in their
+bill for erecting this conservatory.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Clinging to the back of the chair.] Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You remember I transferred, at your request, seven thousand some odd
+pounds to your account at Scott's when we projected
+the--h'm!--pardonable little extravagance?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Y--yes.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hopwoods can wait till midsummer. Perhaps you wouldn't mind letting me
+have the use of the money in the meantime?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, certainly not.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+A cheque any day this week----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+All days are equally convenient.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, I _will_ hold on till Christmas!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you, pa--I---- [She turns to him suddenly.] Oh, pa, I haven't
+got--I haven't--I----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haven't what, Kitty?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+N--nothing. Go--go to Dora. [He goes out.] Oh! where shall I turn for
+money? Where shall I turn? Where shall I turn--for money? [MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE advances and faces LADY TWOMBLEY.] Ah! Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Lady Twombley, I am in such distress!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Distress!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Producing LADY TWOMBLEY's letter to BROOKE.] I picked up a letter in
+the next room. I thought it was the note you wrote me about the
+plum-coloured _peignoir_ and that it had fallen from my pocket. I
+glanced at it. Oh, look! [She hands the letter to LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Gracious!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But that is not the worst. It tells me that you are in trouble--you, the
+best friend I have in the world, my benefactress. Oh, what shall I do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hold your tongue about it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah! why did I read it through?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Because you were a little curious, I'm afraid.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I shan't sleep for it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you, I can do all my own lying awake. Mind your own concerns for
+the future, Gaylustre.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+It _is_ my concern when I can help you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+_You_ help me?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, yes. Oh, let me, Lady Twombley! I don't ask to be confided in, I
+only ask to be allowed to bring my brother to see
+you--to-night--to-morrow.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your brother?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Mr. Lebanon--my Joseph. I would trust him as I'd trust myself. I have
+known him do such things in the way of raising money upon what he calls
+personal and other security----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A money-lender?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Lady Twombley! Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Does Mr. Lebanon help--people--in difficulties?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, doesn't he!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Will you see him, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't ask me. Perhaps.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+To-night?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Perhaps, I tell you.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+At what time? LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Half-past nine--sharp.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Done!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters with LADY MACPHAIL, MACPHAIL, and the DOWAGER. BROOKE
+follows with DRUMDURRIS, then after an interval LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA,
+and IMOGEN appear.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, reprovingly.] My dear, Lady Macphail and Sir Colin
+are going.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You are neglecting them. What can be your motive?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY MACPHAIL.] I hope Sir Julian has explained----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Certainly. But I must take my boy away. He dines at six to avoid late
+hours.
+
+[IMOGEN talks to MACPHAIL.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Look! they are talking.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin rises at five every morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dear me, how awful!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+He loves to watch the sunrise from the jagged summit of Ben-na-fechan.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But there's no Ben-na-what-you-may-call-it here.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+No. But he sits upon the roof of our lodgings in Clarges Street.
+Good-bye, Lady Twombley.
+
+[They shake hands.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To MACPHAIL.] Good-bye. You must come and see me on one of my Tuesdays.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, with my mother.
+
+[He turns to IMOGEN; they shake hands.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Good-bye, Sir Colin.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] There again! look!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, here's Valentine! Valentine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Inquiringly.] Valentine?
+
+[BROOKE brings on VALENTINE.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Let me go! I was trying to find my way out.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Here's Valentine, come back.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Valentine!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, my dear Val! My dear old Val!
+
+[She rushes to him impulsively and flings her arms round his neck, at
+which the DOWAGER gives a cry of horror, and there is a general movement
+of astonishment.]
+
+END OF THE FIRST ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND ACT.
+
+DIFFICULTIES.
+
+
+The scene is a handsomely decorated and elegantly furnished morning-room
+at SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY's, with every evidence of luxury and refined
+taste. It is a July morning.
+
+SIR JULIAN is playing his flute. MR. MELTON, a good-looking,
+well-dressed young man, enters carrying a few sheets of paper.
+
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Pardon me. [SIR JULIAN's flute gives a squeak.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Melton?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The arrangements for this morning are quite complete, Sir Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The arrangements?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The arrangements for the opening of the new street.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, to be sure; I open the new street to-day. Why on earth shouldn't a
+new street be opened by a policeman during the night, quietly?
+
+[The DOWAGER LADY DRUMDURRIS, fashionably dressed for out-of-doors,
+enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[In a flutter.] Julian, good-morning. A glorious day for the ceremony,
+Mr. Melton. Is everything arranged?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+[Bowing.] Everything.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a motive for asking. I and my family accompany Sir Julian and
+Lady Twombley to lend weight and support.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] You leave here at twelve, reaching the new street at
+half-past. You speak from the cluster of lamps by St. Jude's Church.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Your speech will be terse, elegant, and vigorous, I hope, Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I hope so. Have you written it, Melton? [MELTON hands him the sheets of
+paper.] Thank you. The usual thing, I suppose?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Quite, quite.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. There's nothing like the usual thing. [Referring to the
+speech.] "By opening up these majestic avenues London takes beer----"
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Air.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I beg your pardon. "----takes air into her system and keeps her place in
+the race with her sister cities." Excellent.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Who will throw the bottle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No one, I hope.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+You are thinking of the christening of a ship, Lady Drumdurris.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Pardon me.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+I have to see Superintendent Snudden now as to the police arrangements.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dear me! You anticipate no pellets?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Hardly.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's so unfortunate it isn't a wet day.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+An umbrella is such a safeguard.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+I'll see that the carriage closes easily.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. And Lady Twombley might take an extra sunshade.
+
+[MELTON goes out. The DOWAGER closes the door carefully after him.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Reading.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of
+the Crown than that which----"
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+You wonder why I am with you at this early hour. I need hardly say I
+have a motive.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I suppose so.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Knowing that you were not going down to Browning Street this morning,
+and that Lady Twombley and Imogen were to take Euphemia shopping in Bond
+Street, I grasped the chance of seeing you alone. Julian, what has
+happened to your wife?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+To Katherine?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+There is a shocking change.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Recently?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It began two or three months ago. She's not the woman she was at the
+commencement of the season.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You alarm me. In what way?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Every way. Her appearance.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I haven't noticed it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Being her husband, it is natural you should not. Her variable
+temperament! At one moment she looks as if she would like to bury
+everybody, me especially; the next she is laughing in a manner I must
+designate as positively provincial.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora, you quite distress me.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I came early for that purpose.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Perhaps you resent my interference.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It would not deter me if you did. The grand motive of my life is a firm,
+undeviating, persistent policy of practical interference. I am a social
+warrior; the moment I scent domestic carnage I hurl myself into the
+_melee_ and plant my flag. Julian, my flag is planted in your household.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I am aware of nothing disquieting to Katherine's peace of mind.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't tell me!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Two or three months ago there _was_ a little difficulty----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But it was mine, not Katherine's.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Yours?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Frankly, I was embarrassed for ready money.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Oh, dear!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But Katherine, who is really of an extremely thrifty nature, promptly
+placed her very considerable savings at my disposal, and the difficulty
+ceased.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It never struck me your wife was thrifty.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Nor me till that moment. Which shows how liable the most careful
+observer is to error. [Resuming the study of his speech.] Pray excuse
+me.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] Um! [She goes up to the window.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Studying.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of
+the Crown----" I'll go upstairs, quietly. "----than that which I occupy
+upon this occasion."
+
+[He moves softly toward the door. The DOWAGER turns suddenly.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I don't like your wife's great friendship for Mrs. Gaylustre.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine finds her a bright companion.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine has _my_ companionship. It's true I can't cut a sleeve like
+that lady.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+It is to be regretted that poor Mrs. Gaylustre is forced to follow the
+modern fashion of increasing her income by devices formerly practised
+only by the lower middle-classes.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+She sticks pins in her bosom as though she relished it.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, after all, Dora, Madame Mauricette, of Plunkett Street, and Mrs.
+Gaylustre, widow of Lord Bulpitt's son, are two very distinct persons.
+Excuse me. [He continues studying his speech.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+But what was she _before_ her marriage?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must really give me notice of that question--I beg your pardon--I
+don't know.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+This lady now walks into your house as if it were her own!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Your wife is positively canvassing for invitations for her! Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I shall be unprepared with my speech!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+My family comes before everything!
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Lord and Lady Drumdurris are inquiring for you, my lady.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Beg them to come here. [PROBYN retires.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, then, if you'll allow me----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, Julian. This is another family matter of terrible importance.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Dora!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith and Egidia approach you at this early hour at my instigation. I
+have a painful motive.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear me!
+
+[EGIDIA enters, dressed in fashionable walking costume, her face pale
+and troubled.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+[Sadly.] Sir Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Egidia, there is nothing amiss, I hope?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah! Everything is amiss, Sir Julian.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, the relations between my son and his wife have become terribly
+strained.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Indeed, yes!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have done all in my power to relieve the horrible tension--if
+anything, I have made matters worse. My hope is now centred in you. Here
+is Keith.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+[EGIDIA sits upon a settee staring before her. DRUMDURRIS enters,
+looking much worried.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah, mother. [Grasping SIR JULIAN's hand with feeling.] Sir Julian.
+
+[He and his wife look severely at one another and draw themselves up.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Keith, what can I do for you?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ha! Explain, mother.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, my son and his wife have cordially agreed to refer their grave
+differences to your judgment.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Without binding ourselves to abide by Sir Julian's decision.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Naturally.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pray tell me the cause of dispute.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The future of their child.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah, yes.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The adjustment of the career he is to follow.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+That is precisely it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Where is Fergus?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He accompanied us.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He is with Angele in the next room.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Calling at the door.] Angele! Angele!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+[Outside.] Miladi?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Bring Lord Aberbrothock here.
+
+[ANGELE a French nurse, characteristically attired, enters, carrying a
+richly-dressed infant. DRUMDURRIS and EGIDIA look into its face
+together.]
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Figurez-vous, milord, qu'il a dormi pendant tout le trajet! et puis
+quand je suis descendue de voiture, il s'est reveille en pleurant ... ah
+mais, en pleurant!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Give me Lord Aberbrothock. [She takes the child from Angele.] Wait in
+the next room, Angele.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yes, miladi. J'espere bien que Monsieur le Vicomte ne va plus crier, car
+ca pourrait faire de la peine a sa grand'maman. [ANGELE goes out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Now, Julian, this is the point. You see Fergus. Politics or the Army?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Politics.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+The Army.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Pray speak, Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Er--um--perhaps it would be rather precipitate----
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I differ entirely. The child's intelligence must be directed into a
+particular channel from the beginning.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+In that I heartily concur. For instance, the question of toys is already
+most urgent.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He is without playthings at present, so his mind is quite open.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+You appear to have no views, Julian.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Lady Drumdurris, let Sir Julian look at the height and character of
+Fergus's brow.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Pray do. It's a soldier's forehead.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian. [She hands the infant to SIR JULIAN.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. Politics or the Army? [Addressing the child in his arms.] My
+dear Fergus, take my advice, not, _not_ politics.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+If you attach any trifling importance to veracity as a habit, _not_
+politics. If you would care at any time upon any subject to form your
+own opinions, and having formed them, would wish to maintain them, _not_
+politics. If you desire to be of the smallest service to your fellow
+man, and if you would sleep as peacefully at sixty as you now sleep at
+six months, _not_ politics.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Sir Julian!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+The Army!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Never!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+This is most distressing. [Calling at the open door.] Angele! Angele!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Heard outside.] Why, Dora!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters with IMOGEN and LADY EUPHEMIA in walking
+costumes.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How good of you to come early! [Kissing EGIDIA.] Egidia, dearest! [To
+DRUMDURRIS.] Good-morning, Keith. Ah! you've brought Fergus to see me!
+The angel!
+
+[With cries of delight LADY TWOMBLEY, IMOGEN, and LADY EUPHEMIA gather
+round SIR JULIAN and the baby.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The pet!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+The mite!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+He is _too_ sweet!
+
+THE THREE.
+
+Oh--h--h!
+
+[BROOKE enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands with DRUMDURRIS.] Hallo, what's the matter?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[With dignity.] They are looking at my son.
+
+[ANGELE has entered. She takes the infant from SIR JULIAN.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We've enjoyed a splendid hour in Bond Street--in and out of twenty
+shops, eh, girls?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, Aunt Kate.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bought all we could think of and ordered the rest.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then why don't they abolish Bond Street? It's the crucible of
+London--set your foot in it and everything about you that's metal
+dissolves.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Aunt has been _too_ extravagant this morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Extravagant! I! Oh, no--only I dearly wish there was no such plague as
+money. If the little words "thank you" were the one universal current
+coin, what anxieties, what cravings, what follies some poor women would
+be spared! Why can't we buy choice stuffs at three-and-a-half thank-yous
+a yard?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Aunt Kate!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's nothing to laugh at. Ah, girls, if "thank you" paid for everything,
+being out of breath would be our only bankruptcy! Oh, my poor brain!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] Mamma has a bad headache to-day, papa.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A headache! never! Girls, what is it we bought and brought home with us?
+I forget.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+We didn't buy him, mamma--we met him. You mean Cousin Valentine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Looking round.] Of course--Valentine. Where is he? [Calling.]
+Valentine!
+
+[VALENTINE enters very plainly dressed.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. White! [Bowing stiffly.] How do you do?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, Val! What?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We met the poor boy outside the tourists' ticket office in Piccadilly.
+He's off again to-morrow.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Off! Where to?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Egypt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We shan't see him again for another ten years, I suppose.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The odd creature has heard of a congenial tribe who reside in
+excavations cut in a rock. It'll end in my having a nephew who's a
+mummy.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Tearfully.] Oh, don't!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, this child is not well.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, I am, papa--but I don't like--the idea--of parting--with anybody or
+anything--even a k-k-kitten.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Soothingly.] Imogen, my dear!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Be quiet, mamma!
+
+[The DOWAGER, LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA, and ANGELE with the baby go out.
+IMOGEN runs after them. SIR JULIAN resumes the study of his speech. LADY
+TWOMBLEY opens some letters which are lying on the table.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To VALENTINE.] I never knew such a queer chap! Come upstairs and tell
+us all about it--what!
+
+[BROOKE, VALENTINE, and DRUMDURRIS go out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's all right, pa--it's nothing. [To herself.] Gaylustre! [Reading a
+letter.] "I will accompany you and dear Sir Julian to the interesting
+ceremony of this morning. Pray keep me a seat in your carriage."
+[Crushing the letter in her hand.] The demon! The relentless demon!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+"I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of the
+Crown----"
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, dear, Mrs. Gaylustre will go with us to the opening of the new
+street.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! Katherine, are you sure that Mrs. Gaylustre is _quite_----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, quite.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+If I were you I should really think twice----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I can't.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Can't think twice?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't risk offending such a--dear friend.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, Katherine----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Understand me, pa--she will sit in our carriage.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then understand _me_, Katherine, I will not have my knees cramped by a
+lady whose social status is equivocal.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! Julian! Don't attempt to come between me and Mrs. Gaylustre.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You will assist her into the carriage, you will help her to alight; when
+she arrives you will be charmed to see her, when she leaves you will be
+a mass of regret. You hear me!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+This is a most extraordinary friendship!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It _is_ an exceptional friendship. Pa, say you're delighted this great
+friend of mine is to be one of us to-day.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, to please you, my dear, of course, I----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am delighted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] I see--I see the change in my wife that Dora spoke of.
+
+[PROBYN enters with cards on a salver. At the same moment the DOWAGER
+enters and looks out of the window.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] They are punctual!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Looking at the cards.] Lady Macphail and Sir Colin. Not at home. If
+ever a woman was out I am.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Stop! [To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Kate, what are you doing? This
+visit is planned by me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a motive.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Dora!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Lady Twombley will see Sir Colin and Lady Macphail here.
+[PROBYN goes out.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! then, if you'll allow me----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, Julian. This is another family matter.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Another!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+These people have called to formally propose for the hand of Imogen.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To propose!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Last night, at the ball of the Perth Highlanders, I danced the
+Strathspey and Reel with Sir Colin. In the excitement I wrung from him
+an admission of his affection.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, what shall we do?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Do? The head of the Clan Macphail! Eighty thousand acres! Julian?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] If it would provide for Imogen before the smash!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+If Imogen is a high-minded girl she will be mad with delight.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Will she? [To herself.] Ah! and will she learn to look down on pa and me
+when we're aged paupers?
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Sir Colin Macphail--Lady Macphail.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters, dressed simply and quaintly in an old-fashioned
+silk gown, followed closely by MACPHAIL, whose clothes are capacious and
+clumsy, and who seems very ill at ease. PROBYN withdraws.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Dear Lady Macphail--Sir Colin!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands with LADY MACPHAIL and MACPHAIL.] How do you do? [Eyeing
+MACPHAIL.] Oh, dear!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands.] Delighted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To MACPHAIL.] Pray sit down. You must be fatigued with last night's
+dance.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+No Macphail is ever fatigued. But the poor lad feels like a caged eagle
+in the dress of the South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am sure it is--most becoming.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Sit, lad. [MACPHAIL sits, hitching up his trousers unhappily.] You know
+the object of our visit, Sir Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Drumdurris has hinted----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The boy is here to pour out the passionate torrent of his love for your
+child Imogen. Speak, Colin.
+
+[MACPHAIL rouses himself, rises, and looks round.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother, you do it. [He resumes his seat.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, if we were at Castle Ballocheevin, with the wind roaring round Ben
+Muchty, and the sound of the pipers playing by the shores of
+Loch-na-Doich, then you would hear Colin's voice rise loud and high.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+As we are denied these obvious advantages, it is almost necessary to ask
+you to explain----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The lad has met your child on but three or four occasions.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Just three occasions and a bit, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+But he loves her with a love that only a Macphail can experience.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course one would like to know precisely the kind of affection that
+is.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Naturally. Speak, Colin.
+
+[MACPHAIL rises, embarrassed.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I love her well enough.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely said!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Delightful. [To SIR JULIAN and LADY MACPHAIL.] A grand nature.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Go on, Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's all, mother. [He resumes his seat.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You have heard the lad?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Distinctly.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+As we are all to meet next month as Lord Drumdurris's guests at
+Drumdurris Castle, it would be well if this engagement were settled at
+once.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Without delay.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The question, of course, is whether Imogen--h'm!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Whether Imogen can return the affection----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Which Sir Colin honours her by entertaining.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Has the lad your permission to pour into her ear such impassioned words
+as he has just uttered to us?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think there can be no objection to _that_.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Certainly not.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+When will your daughter grant him an hour for that purpose?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+An _hour_?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Three-quarters will be enough, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely said!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Charming!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When, Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! when?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+When? [IMOGEN's voice is heard outside.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Calling.] Mamma, dear!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+When? I suggest, now. Here is Imogen.
+
+[MACPHAIL rises hastily and awkwardly. IMOGEN enters.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, I didn't know you had visitors. [Shaking hands with SIR COLIN and
+LADY MACPHAIL.] Sir Colin--Lady Macphail.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Now, Julian, leave them together! Katherine!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, my dear.
+
+[IMOGEN comes to SIR JULIAN. LADY TWOMBLEY, the DOWAGER, LADY MACPHAIL,
+and MACPHAIL talk together.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Talk to Sir Colin for a few moments while I look through my speech.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Certainly, papa. [SIR JULIAN goes out.] What an awful task! [Taking a
+book from the table.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Quietly to MACPHAIL.] Colin, let her hear how a Macphail can love.
+[Kissing him.] My boy! [To the DOWAGER and LADY TWOMBLEY.] I'll drive
+round to Lady Macwhirter's and return. Leave them! Ah, the pipers shall
+play to the home-coming of a bride at Castle Ballocheevin! [She goes
+out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Come, Katherine. Think of it! To be the mother-in-law of the head of the
+Clan Macphail!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora, what's the use of a head with no tongue in it?
+
+[The DOWAGER and LADY TWOMBLEY go out. MACPHAIL looks round uneasily.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To himself.] Where's mother?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To herself.] Oh, why do they leave us! [To MACPHAIL.] Were you at the
+dance of the Perth Highlanders last night, Sir Colin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, I was.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Did you dance much?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, I did.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To herself.] He must make the next remark.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Nerving himself and rising suddenly.] Miss Twombley!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I--I just wish you had been there.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Do you? Why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Because--because--because I'm thinking there was room for more people.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, of course. [She goes to the window and looks out.] Lady Macphail is
+just driving away.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, there she goes.
+
+[MACPHAIL goes hastily to the window and looks out.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To himself.] Oh! Mother!
+
+[He goes out quickly unnoticed by IMOGEN.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+She has turned the corner, Sir Colin. Did you see her? Why, where is he?
+
+[VALENTINE enters. She does not see him.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-bye, Imogen. [She turns to him.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah! [Falteringly.] Why will you go away, Val?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+You know my craze. Everything in this country is so stuck-up.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma's not--stuck-up, as you call it.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Her gowns frighten me. My first recollection of anything is Aunt Kitty
+in a print-skirt at a wash-tub.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Hush! don't, Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+There now! you're horrified!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+One doesn't wish everybody to know.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Then that's being stuck-up, Imogen.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then we differ.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Of course. Everybody does differ from me in this stuck-up country. Wish
+me good-bye.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Looking away.] I presume my brother Brooke is stuck-up also?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Well, he appears to have fallen into the starch after that wash of Aunt
+Kitty's.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Indeed. And papa?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh, of course, he's ironed out by the House of Commons.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+How very rude! [Laying her hand on his arm.] And am I--altered, Val?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Altered! The change is heart-breaking!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, how cruel!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Altered! Where are the tiny tea-things with which you once played at
+making tea in your old school-room? Where is the hoop you used to
+trundle in Portman Square--the skipping-rope Brooke and I turned for you
+till our arms nearly dropped from our shoulders? Where are the marbles I
+gave you--the top I taught you to spin? I say, where are these things
+and the jolly little girl who delighted in them?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[With much dignity.] I think you're so violent that it isn't safe to
+speak to you. But I'll ask you one question.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Pray do.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Where is the good-tempered, curly-headed boy for whom I used to make the
+tea; the boy who taught me, very patiently, how to play the marbles and
+to spin the top?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+You see him.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, no. No, Val, no.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen! You don't mean, at any rate, that I'm stuck-up?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, indeed, I think you're shockingly stuck-down. [He turns away,
+hanging his head. She comes to him.] There, now I've made you ashamed of
+yourself.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+No, you haven't!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then I will do so. Remain here. I will return in a moment. Don't stir!
+[She runs out.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Shall I run away? Ah, if she only knew how ardently I wish that she had
+changed still more--how I wish that she had grown quite unlovable or I
+had forgotten how to love her! It's hopeless; I _will_ run away.
+
+[He opens the door and the DOWAGER peeps in.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+May I come in?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Eh? Oh, certainly.
+
+[The DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] What has become of them? [To VALENTINE.] Pardon me, have
+you seen my niece, Imogen?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+She has just left this room.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+With Sir Colin Macphail?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh, no.
+
+[A cab whistle is heard. VALENTINE looks out of the window.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] Where is he? I shan't sleep till I know it is settled.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Here's Sir Colin--hailing a cab.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah! Something must have happened! [She goes hastily towards the door;
+VALENTINE is in her way.] Let me pass, please! I have a motive!
+
+[She goes out as IMOGEN enters by another door carrying a large
+old-fashioned box.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why, what have you there?
+
+Imogen.
+
+A modern young lady's jewel casket. Open it, please. [Kneeling, he opens
+the box.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Looking into the box.] Imogen! The tea-things! I recognize them!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You see, I've never parted with my playthings, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Dragging out a large, faded, once gaudy doll.] And here's Rosa! I
+helped to cut out Rosa's mantle. Battered old Rosa!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Taking the doll from him.] Don't! Old she may be, but her sex should
+protect her from insult.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+And here are my marbles! and the top! Ah, ah! the skipping-rope!
+Imogen--perhaps--I--I've done you an injustice.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Do you think so?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I feared fashion had put your bright little nature into tight
+corsets--but--I see--I see----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Replacing the toys in the box.] You see, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I see you have some affection for the time when you were not Miss
+Twombley, but only--little Jenny.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not that these old dumb things prove much.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+They prove their own existence--not the existence of little Jenny.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Crying.] How unjust you are!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Perhaps. But your words and actions are so unlike.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Wiping her eyes upon the doll's frock.] No, no.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I fancy we are children again when I hear you; but when I see your prim
+figure and stately walk I miss the little girl whose hair never
+submitted to a ribbon or a hairpin----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh!
+
+[Impulsively she lets down her hair and disorders it wildly.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Not observing her.] I miss the little Jenny with a tumbled frock [She
+quickly disarranges her bow and sash.], the thoughtless romp who was
+generally minus one shoe!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Fiercely.] Valentine!
+
+[She takes off a shoe and flings it away.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Jenny!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Now! play! play marbles!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Play marbles!
+
+[They go down upon their knees, she deliberately arranges the marbles
+for the game, he staring at her blankly.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+My mark--play.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I beg your pardon, Jenny--I've been all wrong.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You have indeed, Val. Play. [He plays seriously.] Not within a mile of
+it.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+My eye is quite out.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+My turn.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+By Jupiter, you're still a crack at it!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Am I? Then which of us has changed--you or I? [She lays her hand on
+his.] Val, don't go away and live in a rock.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What am I to do? I'm poor, Jenny, and I suppose I'm crazy.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Any sort of horrid life would suit you, wouldn't it?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I suppose it would.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then ask Lord Drumdurris to make you a bailiff or a head gamekeeper at
+Drumdurris.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not rough enough.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Why, you could get dreadfully dirty and wet through there every day.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+That's true.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+And, Val, we're all going up to Drumdurris next month.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Are you?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, and if you like, I--I'll bring the marbles.
+
+[BROOKE enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen! Oh, I say! what?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Do you ever play marbles now, Brooke?
+
+[DRUMDURRIS enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Marbles, no! Billiards.
+
+[VALENTINE collects the marbles, and puts them into the box.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Keith! Oh, Keith, do me a favour!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Certainly.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Offer my poor cousin, Mr. White, some post in or about Drumdurris
+Castle.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+What kind of post?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Some wretched, inferior position in which he needn't be very polite.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+What will he say if I propose such a thing?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He'll be extremely rude, I think. But, oh, I shall be so grateful,
+Keith.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen! Child, what has happened to your head?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I--I've been playing marbles, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not on your head?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, mamma, upon the floor.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+With Sir Colin?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Certainly not, mamma; I don't know Sir Colin nearly well enough to sit
+with him upon the floor. [Putting up her hair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Darling, has Sir Colin made any remark of an interesting nature?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No--he stammered a little, and, while my back was turned, he ran away
+after his mammy.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] I knew it! Why didn't we lock him in till he had provided
+for my poor child's future?
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre is here, my lady.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, that person!
+
+[IMOGEN snatches up the box of playthings and hurries out. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE enters. PROBYN retires.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To everybody.] How d'ye do? How d'ye do? Lord Drumdurris, charmed to
+see you. How are you, Brooke?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] Brooke! Impudence!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You look bilious, Kate.
+
+[She kisses LADY TWOMBLEY, who sinks on to the settee.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] It's too bad of the Mater! Fancy a fellow making a chum
+of his tailor--what?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Mr. White, may I speak to you?
+
+[BROOKE, DRUMDURRIS, and VALENTINE go out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Examining the flute.] Pa has been tootling again, Kate--we must buy him
+a drum.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah--h--h--h!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Hullo! What's the matter?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+As if you didn't know! Oh, those awful bits of paper!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Still worrying about those little Bills of yours which my brother Joseph
+holds, eh?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Those Bills! Why doesn't the ink fade that's on them, or the house burn
+that holds 'em?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Impossible. Joseph and I have been taught to believe that there is a
+special Providence watching over all Bills of Exchange. Come, don't
+fume--Bill Number One doesn't fall due till next month.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Gaylustre, I shan't be able to meet it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Shan't you? Well, I dare say Jo and I will renew--if you make much of us
+and pet us. Meanwhile, don't think of the Bills.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Think of 'em! I eat them--they're on every _menu_; I drink them--they
+label the champagne. My pillows are stuffed with them, for I hear their
+rustle when I turn my restless head. Small as those strips of blue are,
+they paper every wall of my home!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I should drive out, then, as much as possible.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I do the sky is blue!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Carelessly taking up a newspaper.] At what time do we leave here?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir Julian and I start at twelve.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+See that I'm not squeezed up in the carriage. I don't play at sardines
+in this gown.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Talking of sardines, I shall lunch here to-day, _en famille_.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Gaylustre! you fiend! I--I can't stand it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Don't quite see how you're going to get out of it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's true I owe that brother of yours thousands.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Well, we _have_ kept your establishment going for some time.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I don't owe _you_ as much as a linen button!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo and I are one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No! I'll never believe that a man--even a money-lender--would dance a
+set of devilish quadrilles on a lady when she's down, as you're doing.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ha, ha!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I saw your brother on that one fatal night. Common person that he is, he
+must have a heart under his vulgar waistcoat.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Be careful! Don't insult my Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I compliment him! I will appeal to him to protect me from your claws,
+Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, you will, will you?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I will.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Very well then--do it! Kate Twombley, go to that door and call my
+brother Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Do it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What--do you--mean?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Open that door and call Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no! [She opens the door and looks out.] You are only frightening me!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Call--Mr. Lebanon!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Heah!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY utters a cry of horror as MR. JOSEPH LEBANON enters--a
+smartly dressed, unctuous, middle-aged person, of a most pronounced
+common Semitic type, with a bland manner and a contented smile.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, delighted to find myself in your elegant 'ouse. Most
+_recherche_.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How do you come here?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fan brought me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare she?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+'Ow dare she? H'm! Fan, I 'ope and trust not a coolness between you and
+Lady T.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY sinks into a chair.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+She was dying to see you--there's no pleasing her.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Dyin' to see me! Flattered--flattered. [He sits in close proximity to
+LADY TWOMBLEY.] Deah Lady T, you and I and nobody by, eh? Excuse my
+humour. 'Ow can I 'ave the honour of servin' you? Don't 'esitate, Lady
+T, don't 'esitate.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I only wanted--to beg you--to rid me of that viper.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+That's going a little too far!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+There _is_ a coolness--a triflin', temporary coolness. Fan, be
+reasonable--Lady T, be forgivin'. Kiss and be friends.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know that you've got me--what's the expression?--on something or
+another.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I 'ope "toast" is not the word you requiah, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, yes, on toast.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Lady T.! Lady T.!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know that if I can't meet those awful Bills you can drag my name into
+the papers, and set all London grinning for a month.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh! Oh, Fan, is that my way of doin' business?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If you're a nice, honest man--as you look--you'll take her away, and
+never, either of you, show your ugl--show your faces here again.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Ah, Lady T., now we come to the aim and object of the mornin' call which
+I have the 'appiness of making on you. Fan, you haven't explained to
+Lady T. You really must cut in.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I shan't. Explain yourself.
+
+[LEBANON rises, replacing his chair.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+My dear Lady T., the long and the short of it is that Fan and I have
+considerable social ambition.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You too! Not _you_!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And why not? Fanny, cut in!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Go on, Jo dear.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, it has been the desiah of Fan and self, ever since that
+period of our lives which I may describe as our checkered child'ood, to
+reach the top of the social tree.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, you'll pardon my remarking that you are a little trying.
+I say, Fan and I desiah to reach the top of the social tree, where the
+cocoanuts are. Excuse my humour. Fan's had a whirl or two in the circles
+of fashion.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+She! A hanger-on to the skirts of Society!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And very good skirts too when she makes 'em.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo, drop that.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Excuse my humour, Fan. As for me, from those early boy'ood's days when I
+made temporary advances of ha'pence to my sister Fanny, promptly and
+without inquiry, I have devoted myself to finance.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Finance!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+But now, Lady T--to use a poetic figure--I am prepared to cut an eight
+on the frozen lake of gentility.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Man!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I ignore the innuendo. Lady Twombley, I am aware that for a successful
+_entree_ into Society I requiah a--ha--a substantial guarantee. I 'ave,
+therefore, the honour and the 'appiness to put myself under your
+sheltering and I 'ope sympathetic wing.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You--you will drive me mad! You won't dare to call here, to contaminate
+my bell-handle, to send up your hideous name!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, I really can't! This is descendin' to a mere wrangle. Pray cut
+in.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+No, Lady Twombley, as the Season is drawing to a close, Joseph certainly
+does not intend to attach himself to your London establishment.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Not for Joseph--excuse my humour.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But he and I do mean to take our flight from town with the rest of the
+swallows. [Pointing to a paragraph in the journal she still carries.]
+Look here, we saw this paragraph in the paper yesterday. Read it.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY knocks the paper to the ground.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Insolent!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo, pet--read it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fanny, this is really most trying. [Picking up the paper and reading.]
+"There are already signs of an exodus from town. Among the first of the
+notabilities to turn their faces northward are Sir Julian and Lady
+Twombley, who will spend the autumn at Drumdurris Castle as the guests
+of their nephew, Lord Drumdurris."
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What is this to you?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+What's that to us!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fan, what's that to us! Lady Twombley, we entertain a not unreasonable
+desiah to spend _our_ autumn at Drumdurris Castle.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In the kitchen?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, I really can't! You must cut in again.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+As the guests of Lord Drumdurris.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Bill Number One falls due next month when you are at Drumdurris Castle!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No, no! Fan, do _not_ mix up business with friendship. You know my rule.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Get us to Drumdurris and we renew!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fanny, how plainly you put it! Don't!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+[MR. MELTON enters.]
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The carriages are here, Lady Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I--I'll come.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS enters talking to VALENTINE. IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and
+BROOKE follow; then EGIDIA and ANGELE with the infant.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Introduce me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Introduce him!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I will not!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+[He produces his pocketbook, opens it, and gives her a glimpse of the
+Bills.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The Bills! Oh!
+
+[She makes a futile snatch at the pocketbook.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, introduce me!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters, intent upon his speech, the MS. of which he carries
+in his hand.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister
+of the Crown----" [Seeing LEBANON.] Eh?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Whispering to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Now!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, Lord Drumdurris, Brooke, let me introduce to you--Mr. Lebanon.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Triumphantly to herself.] Ah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Triumphantly to himself.] Ah! [LEBANON grasps SIR JULIAN's hand
+warmly.] De-lighted to find myself in your elegant 'ouse. Most
+_recherche_. [Shaking hands with all the others.] You all know my sister
+Fan. Elegant 'ouse this. Most _recherche_.
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE runs to SIR JULIAN and taking a flower from her dress
+fastens it in his coat.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Outside.] Katherine!
+
+[The DOWAGER enters with her arm through MACPHAIL's, LADY MACPHAIL
+following.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I've found the truant. He had a motive.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Quietly to MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Who's the Judy?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LEBANON.] Old Lady Drum.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Ah! [Turning to the DOWAGER and seizing her hand.] De-lighted! 'Ope to
+have the pleashah of meetin' you up North.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine!
+
+[There is a general expression of astonishment, and LADY TWOMBLEY sinks
+upon the settee.]
+
+
+END OF THE SECOND ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD ACT.
+
+DISASTER.
+
+
+The scene is the inner hall at Drumdurris Castle, Perthshire, leading on
+one side to the outer hall, and on the other to the picture gallery. It
+is solidly and comfortably furnished, and a fire is burning in the grate
+of the large oaken fireplace. It is an afternoon in August.
+
+IMOGEN is sitting at the table reading over a letter she has written.
+
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+"Dear Mr. White." I shall never call him Valentine again, except in my
+thoughts. [Reading.] "Dear Mr. White, I am sorry to hear that you are
+discontented with your recent appointment to the
+Deputy-Assistant-Head-Gamekeepership on the Drumdurris estate, and that
+you consider it a sinecure fit only for a debilitated peer." Now for it.
+[Resuming.] "Permit me to take this opportunity of informing you that I
+have at length consented to an engagement between myself and Sir Colin
+Macphail of Ballocheevin." Oh, how awful it looks in ink! [Resuming.]
+"As it is becoming that I should support such a position with dignity I
+would prefer not encountering your dislike to 'stuck-up people' by ever
+seeing you again." Oh, Val. "I therefore suggest that you obtain a
+nastier appointment than that of Deputy-Assistant-Head-Gamekeeper at
+Drumdurris without delay." That will do--beautifully. [In tears.] Oh,
+Val, why have you never spoken? I know you are poor, but I would have
+gone away with you and lived cheerfully and economically in that rock if
+you had but asked me. Why, why have you never asked me?
+
+[She sits on a footstool looking into the fire. BROOKE, in shooting
+dress, strolls in with LADY EUPHEMIA. They do not see IMOGEN.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Coolly.] Well, then, Effie, I suppose I may regard our engagement as a
+fixture--what? I needn't say you'll find me an excellent husband.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Thanks, awfully. But perhaps you had better mention the subject to me
+again at some other time.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, I shall be rather busy for the next week or two.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, quite as you please. [Giving him her hand.] But you are really _too_
+impetuous.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not at all. [About to kiss her.] You'll permit me, naturally?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Languidly turning her cheek toward him.] Of course. Be careful of my
+hair--it will not be dressed again before lunch.
+
+[He kisses her cheek cautiously. IMOGEN rises without seeing them.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Somebody.
+
+[They stroll away in opposite directions.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+After all, as he has never been a lover, why shouldn't I see him and
+mention my engagement in a calm, cool, ladylike way? [Tearing up the
+letter passionately.] I must see him once more--in a calm, cool,
+ladylike way. I'll write just a line asking him to come to me this
+morning.
+
+[As she sits to write LADY EUPHEMIA and BROOKE stroll in again and meet
+each other.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Good-morning.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA.] Good-morning.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Why, it's Imogen! Oh, let me congratulate you. [Kissing her.] The news
+is too delightful.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Accept my congratulations also. Splendid fellow, Macphail; not one of
+those men who talk the top of your head off.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Writing.] No, not quite. Brooke, dear, will you give Mr. White a little
+note from me?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Certainly. By the bye, while I think of it, you'll be glad to hear that
+Effie has honored me by consenting to--er--marry me--what!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Effie!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+How your mind does run on that subject, Brooke!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Throwing her arms round LADY EUPHEMIA'S neck.] What happy people, both
+of you!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+My hair!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Kissing BROOKE.] A thousand congratulations, my dear, clever, old
+brother!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+The bother with mamma will be too wearying.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Why a bother?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+About my pecuniary position, don't you know. You'll hardly credit it,
+but I haven't the least idea what pa intends to do for me.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+But it doesn't matter about that, so that you are deeply attached to
+each other.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen, that's _too_ ridiculous!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Quite absurd--what!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Besides, if you want money you can work.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, it's no good everybody working. It's this stupid all-round desire to
+work that throws so many men out of employment. I'll look for Valentine.
+[IMOGEN gives him her note.] He's sure to be about. We're going to shoot
+over Claigrossie Moor this morning. [He goes out.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+So you've made up your mind at last?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No; other people have made it up for me.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Mamma?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, Aunt Dora is the principal person who has rendered my life a burden
+to me.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's true. Every hour of the livelong day Aunt Dora has goaded me on to
+this desirable, detestable match; even at night she has stalked into my
+room with a lighted candle, startling me out of my beauty sleep, to tell
+me she will never rest till I am Lady Macphail.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Imogen, it's _too_ kind of mamma to take this interest in you.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Interest! It's torture. And at last she threatened that if I married
+anybody else she would expire in great pain and appear to me constantly,
+a ghost, in her night-gown. Well, you've seen Aunt Dora in her
+night-gown--you can guess my feelings.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+And that decided you.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I went to mamma and asked her advice.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+I guess what that was.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma's expression was that she'd give the heels off her best shoes to
+see me provided for. And so, late last night, while my maid Phipps was
+washing my head, I gasped out a soapy sort of yes.
+
+[The DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Where is Imogen?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Here, mamma.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Embracing IMOGEN.] My favorite niece! I have just learned your decision
+over the breakfast-table. I was eating cold grouse at the moment; I
+thought I should have choked.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I hope you are satisfied, aunt.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Thoroughly. I feel now that I shall die, a great many years hence, a
+contented woman. Effie.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, mamma?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't think you're neglected, child. I cannot provide for everybody at
+once.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+No, mamma.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+But having completely settled Imogen, I shall commence the adjustment of
+your future after lunch.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Dear Lady Macphail! What glorious news!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rapturously, with her hand upraised.] Now let the worn banner of the
+Macphail be run up on the crumbling tower of Castle Ballocheevin!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Certainly--by all means.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the roar of the pipes startle the eaglets on the summit of black
+Ben-Muchty!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I hope such arrangements will be made.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Let the shriek of the wild birds resound on the shores of Loch-na-Doich!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Bringing IMOGEN forward.] But you haven't seen Imogen yet.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Embracing her.] Child! Ah, when Colin learns your answer to his suit
+you shall listen to such words as none but a Macphail can utter to his
+betrothed.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Doesn't he know?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Not yet. He went out early to watch the sun gild the gray peak of
+Ben-Auchter.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters, looking very troubled.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma. [LADY MACPHAIL, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA talk together.]
+Mamma, everybody has congratulated me. Have you nothing to say?
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY places her hand fondly on IMOGEN's head.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[In a sepulchral voice.] Did Phipps dry your head thoroughly last night?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then all's well, I suppose. [SIR JULIAN'S flute is heard. To herself.]
+The first Bill--the first Bill due next week.
+
+[She sits staring at the fire as SIR JULIAN enters, playing the flute.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, my dear, amidst severe official worries I must not omit to join
+in the general paean of rejoicing.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you, papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir Colin may lack that inexhaustible flow of anecdote with which I have
+often been credited.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He may, papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I confess I respect a man who will sit for hours without saying
+anything. I wish there were more like him in the House.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, let the newspapers have the details of Imogen's engagement
+without delay.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, no, aunt! Not yet.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen, if I may use such an expression--fall-lall! Suffice it, I have a
+motive.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+But why the papers?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It is our duty to our friends. Do you think if anything serious happened
+to me, my friends wouldn't like to hear of it without delay? Julian!
+[SIR JULIAN writes.] Besides, it will be current talk at the dance
+to-morrow night.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The dance! Aye! To-morrow night they shall see a Macphail lead the
+Strathspey with the girl who is to be his bride!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, indeed they won't!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+What!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I can't make myself so supremely ridiculous.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ridiculous!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL closes her eyes. SIR JULIAN and the DOWAGER take her
+hands.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY and DOWAGER.
+
+My dear Lady Macphail!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Here is Sir Colin!
+
+DOWAGER and SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+My boy!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Why, he is with Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That woman!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+That woman!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+That woman!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+That woman!
+
+[MACPHAIL enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE, he in Highland dress, she wearing
+a showy costume of tweed tartan with a Scotch bonnet.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin, lad!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, mother?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dear Sir Colin gave me his arm to the top of Ben-Auchter.
+
+DOWAGER and LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+To the top of Ben-Auchter!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[With an anxious glance at MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Just to see the sun rise.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to SIR JULIAN.] Julian, that's scandalous!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+I thought you always witnessed the sun rise alone, Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+As a rule, mother.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] That woman has a motive.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Pointing to IMOGEN.] My son, look--here is Imogen.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Good-morning.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin, lad, don't you guess?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rapturously.] Now let the worn banner of the Macphail be run up on the
+crumbling tower of Castle Ballocheevin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Vacantly.] For what reason, mother?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the shriek of the wild birds sound on the shores of
+Loch-na-Doich!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Why?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Embracing MACPHAIL.] Imogen is to be your bride.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Blankly.] Oh!
+
+[SIR JULIAN, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA congratulate him.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Most gratified!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a mother's yearnings toward you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+We are _too_ rejoiced!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] They've hooked him!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Bringing MACPHAIL down.] Hush! Speak to her, Colin, lad. Let her hear
+how a Macphail greets the woman of his choice.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL joins SIR JULIAN, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA, while
+they all watch MACPHAIL as he approaches IMOGEN.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Listen!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Er--I'm very much obliged to ye.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely spoken!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+A grand nature!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you, Sir Colin. [She joins the others.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To MACPHAIL, seizing his hand.] May your life be very, very blissful!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Uneasily, withdrawing his hand.] Mother's looking. [He joins the rest.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] They've hooked my Scotch salmon; but they haven't landed
+him yet! [Intercepting LADY TWOMBLEY as she advances towards the group.]
+Kate!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Reptile!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm not at all satisfied with the way things are going on here.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Aren't you? I think things are beautifully smooth.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm pretty comfortable at Drumdurris myself, thank you; but I'm getting
+extremely anxious about Joseph.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+So am I.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm afraid Joseph isn't enjoying his little holiday at all. Did you
+observe him at dinner last night?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Who could help it? The man eats enough for six.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+He's obliged to, his holiday being so brief. But these fine folks treat
+him as contemptuously as if he were a snail in a cabbage.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then why does he talk with the leg of a grouse sticking out of the side
+of his mouth? Why does he drink people's health across the table and
+call the men-servants "old chaps?"
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dear Jo! There's nothing classy about him.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, in shooting dress, enters, carrying a light wooden box.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why does he swallow his knife and build pyramids with his bread; and
+tell long stories with no meaning at all or else with two?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Well, you must take Jo as Heaven made him. So you'd better make things
+smooth for him with Lord Drumdurris. If not----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If not?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+If not, Jo might, after all, decline to renew.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And then there would be the devil to pay, wouldn't there?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+As far as I can see there are two devils to pay already.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ha, ha! Here's Drumdurris. Remember.
+
+[After talking to the others, DRUMDURRIS approaches LADY TWOMBLEY,
+bowing stiffly to MRS. GAYLUSTRE, who shakes her fist behind his back,
+LADY TWOMBLEY gives a small nervous shriek.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[With her hand to her heart.] Spasms.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Smiling sweetly at DRUMDURRIS.] Delightful morning.
+
+[She takes up a newspaper. SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA stroll out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Keith, dear, I want to say a word to you about--dear
+Mr. Lebanon.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah! Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Have patience, Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Patience!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I begged you to entertain him at Drumdurris I didn't deceive you. I
+distinctly told you he was one of nature's noblemen.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I would do much to please you, Aunt Kate, but this individual and his
+sister----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must follow the democratic tendencies of the age, Keith. The peer
+must go hand in hand with the pig.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Yes, but let it be the companionable, clubable pig. Oh, I have just left
+him at the breakfast-table.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is he making a tolerable breakfast this morning?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He seems to be making every breakfast in Great Britain.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I see him at it.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He consumes enough coffee to put a fire out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes; and he swoops down on a cold bird like a vulture.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+It's hideous to see him hurl himself at an omelette.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know; and with eggs he's a conjurer. What's he engaged on now?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+When I left him he was an unrecognizable mass of marmalade. He must go!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't disregard the sacred laws of hospitality!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I must. At another time I might endure him, but now when I am utterly
+crushed by my own agonizing trouble---- Hark!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's the matter?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+My son.
+
+[ANGELE appears with the infant.]
+
+ANGELE.
+
+[Mysteriously.] Is it alright, milord?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Hush! [To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Is Egidia there?
+
+[SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA re-enter.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY joins SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To ANGELE.] All right. [Fondly to the infant.] My soldier boy! [ANGELE
+advances to DRUMDURRIS. He produces a small toy gun and a little drum
+from a box he carries and hands them to ANGELE.] Don't let Lady
+Drumdurris discover these.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+No.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Above all, let the drum be muffled.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees, milord.
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I expect some small cannon by the evening post. Go.
+
+[EGIDIA comes between ANGELE and DRUMDURRIS, the DOWAGER following.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Oh, miladi!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I am right, then.
+
+[She takes the toys from ANGELE and points to the door. ANGELE withdraws
+with the infant.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith--Egidia! Don't disagree here!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] I was loth to credit you with such treachery.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Name some convenient hour to disagree this afternoon. I will willingly
+be present.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I have long suspected this conspiracy to anticipate my son's mature
+judgment. Keith, there is a gulf between us which can never be bridged
+over.
+
+[EGIDIA joins the others.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Mother, my life is wasted.
+
+[VALENTINE, roughly dressed in cords and gaiters, enters, followed by
+BROOKE.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Are you ready, Lord Drumdurris?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+We are waiting, I presume, for Mr. Lebanon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'll go and stir him up. Ugh! What!
+
+[BROOKE goes out.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+You'll not join us, Sir Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I daren't. Melton has arrived from town with a mass of papers for my
+signature. [Quietly to DRUMDURRIS.] The Rajputana Canal Question is
+wearing me out.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Whispering to IMOGEN.] I have your note. I'll return in a few minutes.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Shootin', my dear sir! When I was in the South 'Ampstead
+Artillery I could have shown you what shootin' was.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+There's Jo. [She goes out to meet LEBANON.]
+
+ALL.
+
+[With various expressions of disgust.] Ugh! that man!
+
+[All gather into groups, as LEBANON, looking very ridiculous in Highland
+costume, enters, followed by BROOKE.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Slapping MACPHAIL on the back.] Mac, dear old boy, 'aven't seen you
+this morning. [MACPHAIL turns away distrustfully.] Lady Mac, I 'ear
+delightful whispers.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Sir?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+An approachin' 'appy event. We're like the doves--we're pairin' off,
+hey; we're pairin' off? [LADY MACPHAIL stares at him and turns away. He
+wipes his forehead anxiously.] It's a little difficult to keep up a long
+conversation with 'em. They're not what I should term Rattlers. [Eyeing
+EGIDIA.] The fair 'ostess. Ahem! We missed you at the breakfast-table,
+Lady Drum. Can't congratulate you on your peck--excuse my humour.
+
+[EGIDIA stares at him and joins LADY MACPHAIL.] [To himself.] They're a
+chatty lot; I must say they're a chatty lot. I wish Fanny would stick by
+me and cut in occasionally. There's Lady T. _She_ can't ride the 'igh
+'orse, at any rate. Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You didn't honour me with my game of crib last night.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I--I had a headache.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Never 'ad a 'eadache in my life--don't know 'ow it's spelt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's spelt with an H.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA, offering her flowers from his coat.] Lady Effie, my
+floral offering.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA catches up her skirts and sweeps past him.]
+
+[To himself.] Chatty, hey? Chatty? [He comes face to face with the
+DOWAGER, who glares at him.] Hah! H'm! [Offering her the flowers.]
+I--ah--had these picked for you, by Jove, I did. A present from Joseph.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+What, sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Replacing the flowers in his coat.] Excuse my humour. [Wiping his brow
+again.] Chatty! I do wish Fan would cut in and help me. [Slaps SIR
+JULIAN on the shoulder.] Twombley, old fellow.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Not comin' out with us to-day, hey?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Gettin' past it, I suppose?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am kept indoors by pressure of work, Mr. Lebanon.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, of course, the Rajputana Canal Question, hey? I'm a big shareholder
+in the Rajputana Railway, yer know. I say, tell me----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I cannot discuss official matters with you.
+
+[SIR JULIAN turns from him.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To himself as he sits down.] Chatty! Chatty! I know what this'll end
+in. It'll end in my standin' on my dignity. Where's Fanny? [Addressing
+the others.] Talkin' about shootin', I'll tell you an amusin' little
+story.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY and others sotto voce.] No, no!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's all about myself.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Whispering to the others.] Good-bye. We're off.
+
+[There is a general movement, the ladies and SIR JULIAN saying good-bye
+to the shooters, unnoticed by LEBANON, who has his back to them.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I was spendin' a day or two down in Essex with my old friend, Captain
+Bolter, South 'Ampstead Artillery. Dear old Tom--great favourite with
+the gals. Excuse my humour.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY, IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, LADY
+MACPHAIL, and DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to the shooters.] Good-bye.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It was wild-fowl Tom and I were after. We were lyin' in a ditch waitin'
+for the ducks to drift in with the tide. [As LEBANON continues his story
+all the others gradually and quietly disperse.] I counted fifty-seven
+birds through my glass. So said I to Tom, "Tom, I'm in dooced good form,
+my boy." "Devil you are!" said Tom. "And I lay you a pony to a penny
+that fifteen of those birds fall to my gun." "Done!" said Tom. [He is
+now alone in the room.] Well, to make a short story a long one--excuse
+my humour--Tom sneezed. Up I got. So did the ducks. And then what the
+dooce d'ye think 'appened? I say, what the dooce d'ye think----
+[Discovering that he is alone.] Well, I'm---- Chatty, ain't they?
+Chatty!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE enters.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo! why aren't you with the shooters?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Why! They hooked it while I was tellin 'em the tale of Tom Bolter and
+the ducks.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Never mind, my pet.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's rude--that's what it is--it's dooced rude.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Come along, we'll walk on to the moor.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+What, are you going too, Fan?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes, dear. Your poor Fanny has a little bit of fun on.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, if I only 'ad your confidence, your push. But the rudeness of
+these people is gettin' on my nerves.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Why, Joseph!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I feel a little 'urt, Fan--a little 'urt.
+
+[VALENTINE enters.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Hi! Where are they?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Just starting in the drag. Be quick.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Come on! They shall hear about Tom Bolter and the
+ducks before I've done with 'em. Come on!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE and LEBANON hurry out.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Hi! Hi!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+That fellow was born to hail an omnibus.
+
+[IMOGEN appears.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Not seeing VALENTINE.] Will he be long? [She encounters him.] Oh! You
+are not neglecting your duties, I hope, Valentine?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I shall follow the others in the cart. Your note was marked "urgent."
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Was it?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Showing her letter.] "Urgent."
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+What a thoughtless habit it is to mark all one's letters "urgent." All
+I wanted to say to you is this--but it isn't urgent.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+No, no--I understand that.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I merely had a foolish desire to be the first to acquaint you of
+my--undeserved happiness.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What happiness don't you deserve?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+The happiness of becoming Lady Colin Macphail, Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh. Is that--all?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+That's all--just at present.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Hah! You'll be a fine lady now, past recovery.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I shall endeavour to adequately fill the station of life to which fate
+has called me.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+All that sweet simplicity of yours in London was purely an assumption, I
+suppose?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Things are--what they appear.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+But you have your heart's desire at last, I presume?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I--I presume I have.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Burying his head in his hands.] Oh!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+What are you going to do next?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Japan.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Nice part of Japan?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+The murderous districts.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh! Then you don't propose to--return alive?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not according to my present arrangements.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You--you had better follow the shooters to Claigrossie now.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Certainly.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I am glad to have had this gossip over our prospects. We--we both seem
+to be doing well. Good-morning.
+
+[She offers her hand, which he takes ungraciously.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-morning.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You haven't congratulated me yet--in the usual way.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Will you be happy with--him?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I think--partially.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+But you're not going to partially marry Sir Colin. How dare you do this?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He was the first to ask me, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+The first to ask you! You don't mean to suggest that any other man would
+have done!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No--not _any_ other.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+_Some_ other?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's too late now--but yes.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+A poor man?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Would _I_ have stood the remotest chance?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's too late now.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Would I? Would I?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No. Nor any other nineteenth century savage.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Savage!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mr. White, it is very much too late now; but why, when you returned to
+England, didn't you wear uncomfortable clothes like other gentlemen, and
+a very high collar, and varnished boots, like other gentlemen?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why? Because I cannot be false to my principles.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+People say that principles which deal too much with the outside of
+things are nothing but affectations.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+If a man has a good heart he should have a good hat.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen--Jenny! If I had ever come to you--in a good hat----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+If you had, then when mamma urged me to marry perhaps she would not have
+blamed me for----
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For what?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+For liking some pleasant-looking gentleman who laughed at harmless
+follies instead of scolding them.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+And now?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Now! Now--it is too late.
+
+[She falls into his arms; he embraces her.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Hi, hi! Come here! hi!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+[She breaks from VALENTINE and runs out, as LEBANON enters, very pale
+and upset.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Clinging to VALENTINE.] Old fellow!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What's the matter with you?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Gurrrh! You--you're wanted!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Good gracious!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Something has happened, I'm afraid.
+
+[VALENTINE goes out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LEBANON.] You're ill!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I'm upset.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Too much breakfast!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No. I--I've peppered Macphail.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Peppered him! Can't you take your mind off eating?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You don't understand. I was in the wagonette, tellin' 'em the story of
+Tom Bolter and those beastly ducks. I got 'old of a beastly gun and just
+as I was demonstrating how I shot the fifteen beastly birds----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It went off!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Well! Don't make such a fuss about it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! and it was pointed at Sir Colin!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Pointed at him! No! His legs were stuck right in the way.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Heavens!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Be quiet! Make light of it--make light of it, like I do!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Now, now I hope you're content!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No, I'm not. I wouldn't have had this 'appen for 'alf a sovereign. This
+'Ighland 'oliday of mine is gettin' on my nerves.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your nerves!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Yes, Lady T. Imagine what it must mean to a shy man to spend a
+rollickin' August with a lot of people whose chief occupation is
+staring at the tips of their own aquiline noses.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Hysterically.] Ha, ha, ha!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Imagine what it must be to a shy man to find himself always leading the
+conversation, instead of following it with a sparkling comment or two,
+as I'm in the 'abit of doin' in my own circle. Think of me starting
+every topic and arguing on it till my throat's sore; making every joke
+and roaring at it till I get blood to the head. Sometimes when I'm in
+the middle of a long story and not a soul listening I feel so lonely
+I--I could almost cry.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then out of your own sufferings why can't you find some compassion for
+mine?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's pathetic--that's what my position is--it's dooced pathetic.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In mercy's name why don't you retire quietly to your room and pack?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+What! Throw up the sponge?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You needn't throw up your sponge--_pack_ your sponge.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I understand, Lady T--hook it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+"Hook it" is a harsh way of putting it. Bring your visit to a close.
+Think of what you are losing here! Think of Margate, where I feel you
+must have many dear friends!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I--I've half a mind to.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha! Bless you, Mr. Lebanon, bless you! I'll fetch you a Bradshaw.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Stop! I forgot the hop.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The hop?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+There's a ball here to-morrow night.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+For heaven's sake, don't wait for the hop.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I had half-a-dozen lessons in the Scotch Reel before I left town.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And you would risk the Reel on half-a-dozen lessons! Madman!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Half-a-dozen lessons at store prices. Dash it all, you wouldn't 'ave me
+waste 'em!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hopeless!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters unobserved by Lebanon or LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Look 'ere, Lady T! I'm sorry to disappoint a lady, but it ain't Mr.
+Joseph Lebanon's principle to do something for nothing.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No. If you lent a lady your arm you'd do it at interest.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I'm not alludin' to our pleasant financial relationship, Lady T. What I
+infer is that if after the forthcoming hop I drag myself away from my
+sorrowin' friends at Drumdurris I expect a--ah--a solatium. [SIR JULIAN
+remains watching and listening.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A what?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T, my pride has been wounded in this 'ouse--my self-respect has
+been 'urt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha, ha, ha! Pardon me, I'm hysterical.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+If you could 'eal my feelings by rendering me a service----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To be rid of you?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Lady T, 'ow plainly you put it! Well, yes.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Try me. [SIR JULIAN disappears suddenly.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+'Ush! Thought I 'eard somebody. Lady T, you are aware that Mr. Joseph
+Lebanon's position in the financial world is an eminent one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I wasn't aware of it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Take it from me, Lady T, take it from me. But that distinguished
+position might be advanced by the success of some delicate little
+financial operations which I'm on the brink of, Lady Twombley, on the
+brink of. Lady T, if I could know twenty-four hours in advance of the
+prying newspapers the decision of the Government on the Rajputana Canal
+Question it would go far to 'eal the wound my self-respect has received
+in this _recherche_ 'Ighland 'ome. You follow me, Lady T?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I suppose you mean that when the decision of the Government is known in
+the City something or other will go up and something or other will go
+down on the Stock Exchange? Is that it?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+That's it, Lady T, that's it! And some fellers will make fortunes! Oh,
+Lady T!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But why do you bother a poor woman with a headache----
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Because without the gentle guidance of tender-hearted woman I can't find
+out whether the Government is going to grant the concession for the
+cutting of the Rajputana Canal. Oh, Lady Twombley, let me 'ave five
+minutes alone with Sir Julian's papers in Sir Julian's room.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Two minutes! A stroll round. I'll go in with a duster and tidy up.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Or give me a glimpse of some of the documents Mr. Melton brought with
+him in that box yesterday.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I want some fresh air!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Wait! If you'll do this for me I'll clear out of Drumdurris with Fanny
+on Thursday morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, no!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And I'll hand you back your acceptances--every-one of 'em--I will--on my
+word of honour as a gentleman!
+
+[She seizes him by the throat and shakes him violently.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare you! How dare you tempt me!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Arranging his hair and moustache with his pocket comb and mirror.] Oh,
+ladies are trying in business--they are dooced trying.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You--you wretch! Do you think I haven't endured enough for the past
+three months without this? Oh, pa, what will you say to your Kitty when
+you know the disgrace she's brought on you! Oh, my chicks, my chicks, my
+blessed chicks!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, my pride has been wounded, my self-respect has been 'urt
+in this _recherche_ 'Ighland 'ome for, I 'ope, the last time. I shall
+retire from the hop early to-morrow night and hook it--bring my visit to
+a close--on Thursday morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Next week the first bit of paper bearin' the honoured name of woman
+falls doo.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I repeat the word, d-u-e, doo.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Our interview has been a distressin' one, Lady Twombley. It is over.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon! Mr. Lebanon! [He turns his chair from her. To herself.]
+It's all up with me. I--I'll go and find pa, and tell him. There's no
+help for it--I'll tell him. Mr. Lebanon! For the last time--have
+compassion on a poor fool of a woman! [He turns away.] Oh! I'll go to
+pa's room and--tell him. [She goes out.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+That's one way to the old gentleman's room. [He opens the door and
+listens.] Ah! what's the latest quotation for lovely woman's weakness?
+
+[VALENTINE enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE and MACPHAIL, who looks very
+scared, has a handkerchief bound round his knee, and leans on MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE'S arm. She supports him to a chair.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To SIR COLIN.] Lean on your poor broken-hearted friend.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To himself.] Oh, the dooce!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I'll find Lady Macphail. [He goes out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Whispering to LEBANON.] Get out of sight!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Quietly to her.] Can't. I must wait here--I've got an important little
+affair on.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+So have I. Leave us!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, my goodness, how selfish you are, Fanny!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Selfish! you'll ruin my prospects in life! Brute!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Vixen!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Bah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Bah!
+
+[LEBANON goes out. MRS. GAYLUSTRE throws herself on her knees beside
+MACPHAIL.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How do you feel now?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, its tingling.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Tingling! You bear it like a hero.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I appreciate the compliment, but I'm thinking I'm only a bit singed.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, but why, why do you indulge in these reckless sports?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I was merely sitting in the drag looking at the sky.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Sitting in the drag looking at the sky! How foolhardy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Whereupon your brother, without a word of warning, blazed away at my
+knee.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, don't describe it! Suppose you had had your head on your knee!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Outside.] Take me to Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+My mother!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Drat your mother.
+
+[She stands with her handkerchief to her eyes. LADY MACPHAIL enters with
+EGIDIA, the DOWAGER, LADY EUPHEMIA, and VALENTINE.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Sitting at writing-table.] I'll telegraph to Sir George McHarness, the
+surgeon.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the wail of the lament waken the echoes of black Ben-Muchty!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rising from the chair.] It's not at all necessary, mother.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He can stand!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Writing.] "Bring--chloroform--and knives."
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, Colin, lad, why did we ever quit the gray shores of Loch-na-Doich?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'll go upstairs and bathe my knee, mother.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL leads him.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He can walk!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam, a Macphail can always walk under any circumstances.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Reading the telegram she has written.] "If--in--doubt--amputate."
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL, MACPHAIL, VALENTINE, LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA, and the
+DOWAGER go out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Weeping till the others are out of sight.] Joseph will die of remorse!
+[Calling.] The coast is clear, Joseph. Jo!
+
+[As she goes out LADY TWOMBLEY enters in great agitation, clutching an
+important-looking document.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, what have you done! Kitty, what have you done!
+
+[LEBANON enters.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T! Thought so! [Seeing the paper.] Oh my goodness, what has she got
+there?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must--I must find Julian! Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Snatching the paper from her.] Excuse me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! give me back that paper!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T, oh, Lady T!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Following him round the table.] Give me back that paper! Dear, sweet
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Reading the paper.] Ha!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! don't read it!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+My friend Sir Julian's own writing! The Rajputana Canal is a blessed
+fact! Lady Twombley, I forget my wounded pride, I forgive the blow to my
+self-respect. You have won a place in Jo Lebanon's heart.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Give me back that paper and forget it!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Returning the paper.] Give it you back? Delighted. Forget it? Oh, Lady
+T, Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Devil!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, Joseph Lebanon is, above all things, a man of honour.
+[Handing Bills to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Lovely woman's Acceptances.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I won't take them. I won't buy them back at such a price.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Natural delicacy. [Laying the Bills on the table.] You can pick 'em up
+when I'm gone.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, what a wicked woman I am!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I can get out of these beastly clothes, drive to Strachlachan Junction,
+and wire to town before feedin' time. The city is on the eve of a
+financial earthquake! Joseph's name will be a 'ouse'old word from Mile
+End to Kensington! Lady Twombley, we meet at the hop to-morrow night for
+the last time--in Society. [Boisterously.] Whoop! Dash Society! [He
+performs a few steps of a Highland dance.] Excuse my humour. [He goes
+out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The Bills! The Bills! They mustn't lie there.
+
+[As she goes to the table SIR JULIAN, looking very white and
+dishevelled, enters, and, standing opposite to her, takes up the Bills
+and presents them to her.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, my gracious!
+
+[She drops on her hands and knees at SIR JULIAN'S feet.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You've found me out, pa! You've found me out!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I have found you out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How did you manage it?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+By degrading myself to the position of an eavesdropper.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+That's pretty mean, pa--ain't it?
+
+[Seeing that he is examining the Bills she puts up her hands and seizes
+them.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! Don't tot 'em up! Don't tot 'em up!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, when I first saw you, three-and-twenty years ago, you were
+standing over a tub in the tiled yard of your father's farm wringing
+out your little sister's pinafores.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Weeping.] Oh-h-h!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Could I have looked forward I should have known that you would one day
+wring my feelings as you do now.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, I've fallen into the hands of the unscrupulous.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Woman!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, don't call me that, pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The unscrupulous! You have lost the right to ever again use that
+serviceable word.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What do you mean?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+How do you come by those Bills?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, you know! [Going toward him on her knees frantically.] Ah, don't
+stare like that! [Putting her arms round him.] Husband! Dear husband,
+you are glaring like an idiot! Listen! [She shakes him violently.]
+Listen! When that reptile tempted me I ran upstairs intending to tell
+you all. I did. Oh, pa, don't stare at nothing! I knocked at your door;
+there was a drumming in my ears, and I fancied your voice answered me
+telling me to enter. Oh, try winking, pa, try winking! Your room was
+empty--left unguarded, the door unlocked. I entered. Wink, pa; for
+mercy's sake, wink! I sank into a chair to wait for your coming, [Taking
+the written paper from her pocket.] and there, on your table, right
+before my eyes, I saw this thing like a white ghost.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+A memorandum in my writing that the concession for the Rajputana Canal
+is to be granted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, yes. I tried to forget it was there. But the chairs and tables
+seemed to dance before me and every object in the room had a voice
+crying out, "Kitty, you silly woman, get back your Bills from that demon
+who is plaguing you!" I put my fingers in my ears and then the voices
+were shut up in my brain, and still they shrieked, "Kitty, get back your
+Bills! Get back your Bills!" I snatched up this paper and ran from the
+room. Even then if I had met you, Julian, I should have been safe; but
+whenever Old Nick wants to play the deuce with a married lady he begins
+by taking her husband for a stroll, and so I fell into Lebanon's
+clutches--and I--I--I'm done for! [She sinks into a chair.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, those Bills must be returned to the creature, Lebanon.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes. And--and--pa, dear, you'll never speak kindly to me after this,
+will you?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I trust I shall be invariably polite to you, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh-h-h! We shall be whitewashed in the Bankruptcy Court eventually, I
+suppose?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+All in good time, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And then--what then?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then we must hope for a cottage, and a small garden where we can grow
+our own vegetables and learn wisdom.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Our--own--vegetables. And years hence, pa, sometimes when I am sitting
+over my knitting, you'll forget the past, and play your flute again, and
+be happy?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine! [He takes his flute from his pocket and breaks it into pieces
+across his knee.] Never, never again, Katherine. [As he is leaving her.]
+One pang of remorse I can spare you, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You believe you have betrayed a solemn secret of the Government to that
+unprincipled money-lender.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That you have _not_ done.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, Katherine. Overhearing his shameful proposition, and fearing your
+weakness, I had time to hasten to my room, conceal all important papers,
+and scribble the memorandum you abstracted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, then----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That writing records the exact reverse of the truth.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And--and Joseph?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+In the language of the vulgar--Mr. Lebanon is sold. [He goes out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian! Ah! [Staring at the paper.] The exact reverse of the truth! Then
+the Rajputana Canal----Julian, why should you be first blackened and
+then whitewashed because of your vagabond wife? A cottage--our our own
+vegetables! Never! Why shouldn't _I_ have _my_ delicate little financial
+operations in the City? Oh, my gracious!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS and BROOKE enter.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo, Mater--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Brooke! Keith! You boys must drive me over to Strachlachan Junction. I
+must telegraph to London backwards and forwards all day. Keith, put me
+into communication with your Stockbroker in town!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Silence! I'm on the brink of some delicate little financial operations!
+[To BROOKE.] Get out the cart!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The drag's outside.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Come on!
+
+[LEBANON enters hastily.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Hi, Drumdurris! Let me 'ave a carriage to go to Strachlachan Junction. I
+want to wire to town.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do you? So do we. We'll give you a lift. Come on! [They all hurry out.]
+
+
+END OF THE THIRD ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH ACT.
+
+DANCING.
+
+
+The scene is still the inner hall of Drumdurris Castle, now brilliantly
+lighted and florally decorated, the evening after the events of the
+previous act.
+
+Waltz-music is heard, then a slight scream, and LEBANON, in full
+Highland costume, enters hastily.
+
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I wouldn't 'ave 'ad it 'appen for 'alf a sovereign.
+
+[THE MUNKITTRICK, a fiery old gentleman in Highland dress, enters.]
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Sir, I am most indignant!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I've explained. I felt myself goin' and I caught at what came nearest.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+My daughter came nearest.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I know. Don't make such a fuss about it! Do remember we're at a ball!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Miss Munkittrick is torn to ribbons.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+All right. Make light of it--make light of it, like I do.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Ah-h-h!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, in Highland dress, enters with MISS MUNKITTRICK, who is
+much discomposed, and EGIDIA, who is soothing her.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To MUNKITTRICK.] My dear sir!
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Papa!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Oh, Flora, Flora!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Lord Drumdurris!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over. We're all forgettin' we're at a ball.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Miss Munkittrick has been rolled upon the floor.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+She was passin' at the time--I didn't select her. Don't be so conceited!
+
+[LEBANON continues to explain. MUNKITTRICK is indignant; DRUMDURRIS
+endeavors to soothe him. BROOKE enters carrying a satin shoe, which he
+presents to MISS MUNKITTRICK.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Awfully sorry--what? [BROOKE hurries out.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Where is papa?
+
+[IMOGEN enters, carrying an aigrette.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, Miss Munkittrick, what a shocking mishap!
+
+[They fasten the aigrette in MISS MUNKITTRICK'S hair.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Have you seen my papa?
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA, carrying a sash, hurries in as IMOGEN goes off. MISS
+MUNKITTRICK rises; LADY EUPHEMIA and EGIDIA adjust the sash hastily.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Adjusting the sash.] My dear Flora, this is _too_ unfortunate!
+
+[BROOKE re-enters with another shoe.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The other--what! [To LADY EUPHEMIA.] There are some more pieces--come
+and help.
+
+[BROOKE and LADY EUPHEMIA hurry out.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+I want my papa! [Seeing MUNKITTRICK.] Ah!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+[Giving her his arm.] Flora, we'll go home.
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Papa, I'm not nearly _all_.
+
+[Her aigrette is very much on one side, her sash is trailing, and she
+limps away carrying one slipper.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Pray don't think of going!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+My dear sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, very well, you're losing the best of the ball.
+
+[THE MUNKITTRICK and MISS MUNKITTRICK go out, followed by EGIDIA and
+DRUMDURRIS. IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and BROOKE enter hastily, each
+carrying a fragment of MISS MUNKITTRICK's dress.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Taking the remnants.] Allow me--allow me--my affair.
+
+[IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and BROOKE go out. LEBANON crams the pieces of
+MISS MUNKITTRICK'S dress under a chair cushion.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over. Where's my partner?
+
+[He goes out. MACPHAIL enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE upon his arm.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Staying out is infinitely preferable to dancing, is it not, dear Sir
+Colin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye. I hate dancing.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But your dear mother says you resemble some beautiful wild thing when
+you dance the Strathspey.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's because I hate it; the Strathspey's enough to make a lad wild.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Witty boy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, do you think I'm naturally quick?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Quick?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Quick in my understanding?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm sure of it.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I'm glad you think I'm quick.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Because Ballocheevin--that's our place, you understand--Ballocheevin is
+enough to soften a lad's brain.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Then why hide your light at Ballocheevin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, the Macphails have lived there since eleven hundred and two.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How romantic!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+So mother's just got out of the way of moving.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Charming attachment to an old home.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, it's old. It hasn't been papered and done up since Robert Bruce
+stayed with us.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Robert Bruce!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye--just from a Saturday till Monday, I'm thinking.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+There must be a legend attached to every stone of Ballocheevin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, it's interesting--but it requires papering. I am so tired of
+Ballocheevin.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But you love the rugged country, the vast overwhelming hills, and the
+placid lochs?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother's been telling you that.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Isn't it true?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I am just weary of my native scenery.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But what about the misty chasms of Ben-Muchty?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's an awfully damp place. That's where I caught my bad cold.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And the gray shore of Loch-na-Doich? Your mother says you adore it.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I am sick of Loch-na-Doich.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And your feet don't ache to press the heather?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+It's when they're _on_ the heather my feet ache. It's poor walking,
+heather.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Then you don't watch the sun rise from the jagged summit of
+Ben-na-fechan?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Cunningly.] Eh, but I do though, every day when I'm at home.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+To get away from mother.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Poor boy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Reflectively.] I've been thinking----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That you'd better let go my arm now.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I've no personal objection, you understand; but mother's always looking
+for me.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How thoughtless I am! [He walks away.] Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Your mother is driving you to contract this marriage with Miss Twombley.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, mother's just making the arrangements.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Your great heart hasn't gone out to her! Unhappiness must ensue! Your
+bright career will be dimmed!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Will be _what?_
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dimmed. What did you think I said? Oh, Sir Colin, don't carry this
+unsuitable bride to Ballocheevin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, it's a serious step; but I've been thinking it would be another in
+the house.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You don't want another in the house. You need a strong, self-reliant
+wife who will take you out of the house.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+A woman, loving but firm, tender but enterprising, who will bear you
+from your dilapidated home and plunge you into the vortex of some great
+city. [Suddenly.] Have you ever been to Paris?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I know every inch of it!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, what have I said! Sir Colin, you have guessed my secret!
+
+[MACPHAIL produces his ball-programme from his stocking and refers to
+it.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm engaged to Miss Kilbouie for this waltz, if you'll excuse me.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Holding out her hand to him.] Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm thinking mother will be wondering----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Drat your moth---- [To MACPHAIL.] Never mind dear Lady
+Macphail for a moment. Colin, since you have discovered my love for you
+I will make no further reservation----
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+But mother----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Under her breath.] Drat your---- [To MACPHAIL.] Colin, I will be to you
+the wife you have described.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm extremely obliged to ye--but----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Hush, bold boy! [She gives him a card.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You know my cruel brother takes me back to town to-morrow. Here is my
+address so that you may write to me constantly, devotedly.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Reading the card.] "Mauricette & Cie., Court Dressmakers----"
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Snatching the card from him.] That's a wrong 'un--I mean, that's a
+mistake. [Giving another.] There. Hide it away, dear one--nearest your
+heart.
+
+[He slips it into his stocking.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And now, as I start in the morning at nine-forty-five, sharp, on the
+tick, we must say farewell. Oh, this parting is too cruel. Colin!
+
+[She falls against him.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Here's my mother! [He throws her off.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Under her breath.] Drat your mother!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam. [To MACPHAIL.] Why do you leave the ball-room, my lad?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I've been just watching the moonlight on Loch Auchentoshan.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+I am proud to see this devotion to Loch Auchentoshan, but to-night you
+have other duties almost equally important. After this paltry waltz we
+lose ourselves in the wild pleasures of our native dance.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+The Strathspey? [He takes MRS. GAYLUSTRE'S card from his stocking.] Oh!
+[Hides it and produces his ball-programme from his other stocking.] The
+Strathspey.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Come, lad. They have yet to see the Macphail lead the Strathspey with
+his betrothed.
+
+[They go out together.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes, and they shall ultimately see the Macphail writing love-letters to
+Fanny--love-letters with a promise of marriage in 'em. I'll consult a
+solicitor directly I reach town and be ready to marry or to sue him. Oh,
+Fanny, Fanny, ungrateful girl, what a lot you have to be thankful for!
+
+[She runs out and ANGELE peeps in.]
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Milord! Miladi! [She enters.] I must find miladi! Miladi!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No news from Reeves & Shuckleback, the Stockbrokers. The waiting for it
+will finish me!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Oh, Miladi Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Turning to her sharply.] Ah!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Tell me, vere is milord?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What! Has a messenger come from Strachlachan with a telegram for Lord
+Drumdurris? Speak?
+
+ANGELE.
+
+I do not know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+But, oh, miladi, I 'ave been a vicked girl!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I dare say you have--that's your business.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Miladi, ze leetle Lord Aberbrothock is indispose.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The baby?
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees. To please milord, and contrary to miladi's ordares, I put Lord
+Aberbrothock to bed wiz his gun.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know--I'm a mother--the child has swallowed the paint!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Ah, yees!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Send a groom to Strachlachan for Dr. M'Gubbie.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees, miladi.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Angele!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Miladi?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Tell the man to inquire at Strachlachan for telegrams for the Castle.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees, miladi. [ANGELE runs out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, for a telegram from Reeves & Shuckleback! My diamonds, my double row
+of pearls for a telegram from Reeves & Shuckleback!
+
+[EGIDIA enters with ANGELE, followed by DRUMDURRIS.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Has Keith had a telegram?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+A telegram--no. My son is ill!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I know--he has nibbled his gun.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+His gun!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees, miladi.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah! The Army! [To DRUMDURRIS.] So you have gained your own ends after
+all, Keith, and my boy has fallen.
+
+[EGIDIA goes out, followed by ANGELE. DRUMDURRIS sinks into a chair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Don't speak to me, please, aunt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must. Reeves & Shuckleback are strangely silent.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Let them remain so--I care not.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You don't care! Surely you are anxious to know whether you have been
+instrumental in saving me from--from growing my own vegetables?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Growing your own----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Surely you want to know whether you have made me a wealthy woman or have
+ruined yourself in the effort?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ruined myself!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, dear, I am afraid I haven't done what is strictly regular, but
+when you put me into communication with your Stockbrokers I carried on
+my delicate little financial operations with them in your name.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt Kate!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, you're annoyed!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+May I ask what delicate little financial operations?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I've speculated on the strength of my private knowledge of the decision
+of the Government on the Rajputana Canal Question--I mean _you_ have
+speculated.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt Twombley, how dare you do such a thing?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare I! Boy--for you are little more--boy, you wouldn't have a
+Cabinet Minister's wife take advantage of her confidential acquaintance
+with her husband's official affairs to advance her own interests! Oh,
+Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+But you've done it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, I haven't. Don't be so dull, _you've_ done it.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+And if your delicate little financial operations----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If they come off, you have made what you men call a pile, Keith. All
+through your blundering aunty you will have made a pile.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Which I hand over to you, Aunt Kate?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I shall borrow it, Keith, dear--may I?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+And if--pardon the question--if your delicate little financial
+operations----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't come off?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Certainly; if they don't come off, what then?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then through your reckless speculation you will have impoverished your
+estate for the rest of your life!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Tell me.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Fergus has taken a turn for the better.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Egidia, how can I look you in the face?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Cannot we read a lesson from this dreadful occurrence?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+To reconcile our views?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Finally. You see now how unfitted our son is to a soldier's life.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Yes, I have been wrong. Happily it is not too late to remould his
+character. We must return to the ball-room.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+First come with me and peep into the nursery.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+By all means--the nursery.
+
+TOGETHER.
+
+The nursery.
+
+[They go out as the DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I am beside myself! Have you heard the news?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+News? Telegrams for Keith?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I know nothing about telegrams. I've just overheard Julian talking
+solemnly to Brooke. Do you know what your husband intends to do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Grow his own vegetables.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Bother his vegetables! He resigns his place in the Ministry.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The same thing. [To herself.] Ah, why can't he wait!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters with BROOKE.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, I have been telling Brooke of the change in his prospects.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I say, Mater, such a blow--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, why can't you wait?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wait--for what, Katherine?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Wait till the boy can patch up his future with a wealthy wife, of
+course.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Really, Dora, I don't think it would be absolutely fair----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Fair! People's actions are like their heads of hair--they can be dyed
+flaxen. [To BROOKE.] Boy, why do you let the grass grow under your
+pumps in this way?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I haven't let the grass grow, Aunt Dora. I--ah--I have the happiness to
+be engaged--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Engaged!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bless my soul!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+In mercy's name, to whom?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+To Effie.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY and SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Euphemia!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Euphemia! Why, how dare you conspire to entrap a child of mine into a
+moneyless marriage?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Dora, you yourself suggested----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+If I may be guilty of such an expression--fall-lall!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, aunt----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Hold your tongue, sir! Ah, I believe you all have abominable motives!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] The telegram! The telegram! Why is there no telegram?
+
+[The music of the Strathspey is heard. IMOGEN enters with LADY
+EUPHEMIA.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Euphemia!
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA joins the others. IMOGEN goes to LADY TWOMBLEY in
+agitation.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma! The Strathspey!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What of it?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I'm engaged to dance it with Sir Colin. Oh, mamma, I don't love him!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Child, you loved him the other night while your head was being washed.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I didn't see clearly then--the egg-julep was in my eyes. But now Lady
+Macphail is running after me, from one room to another, because she
+declares I must fulfil the destiny of a Macphail's betrothed and lead
+the Strathspey by his side. But I won't dance a deception before a room
+full of people!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, there is nothing for you but this marriage or contemptible,
+cleanly poverty.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Poverty!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Child, you are young to be told these things--but what do you think is
+likely to happen to pa and me?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma, keep nothing from me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In all probability we shall grow our own vegetables.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh! What for?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+_For_ dinner. And, oh, Imogen, have pity on your mother! I can face
+contemptible, cleanly poverty with pa alone, but if I see my innocent
+chicks sharing our miseries every cabbage in our garden will grow up
+with a broken heart!
+
+[She embraces IMOGEN. LADY MACPHAIL enters with MACPHAIL.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Miss Twombley, Lord Drumdurris's guests are politely waiting till you
+are pleased to lead the Strathspey with the Macphail.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Miss Twombley.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Quietly to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] No telegram from town. [To IMOGEN.] Imogen, you had better
+not lose your dance.
+
+[With a slight courtesy to MACPHAIL, IMOGEN gives him her arm as
+VALENTINE enters, trimmed, shaven, and in immaculate evening dress.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, Val!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Mr. White!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Leaving MACPHAIL.] Valentine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Valentine White!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen, am I too late?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Too late?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For the honor of dancing with you to-night?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You--you are in time, Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For which dance?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+This dance.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The child's mad!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Stop the Strathspey! Stop the Strathspey!
+
+[She hurries out, followed by MACPHAIL.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. White, really you shouldn't, you know.
+
+[The music ceases.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Sir Julian, Lady Twombley, with your permission I shall go no further to
+avoid the shams of life. I have found one cool resting-place in this
+world where there is reality and sincerity. [With IMOGEN'S hands in
+his.] And I have found it in an advanced state of civilization.
+
+[The DOWAGER pulls IMOGEN away.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I positively must beg----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Child, at this moment I feel grateful that I am your aunt,
+with all an aunt's privileges. [She shakes her.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Seizing IMOGEN.] My chick, your mother has privileges also. Bless you
+and Valentine. [Kissing her.] There! Dora, if you shake my girl again
+I--I'll slap you!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah! Julian!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS appears with a telegram.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's that?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+From Reeves & Shuckleback!
+
+[She snatches the telegram from him.]
+
+EVERYBODY.
+
+What's the matter?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, look at your wife! Brooke, Imogen, come to your mother! No more
+worries by day and bad dreams at night! No poverty--no cottage--no--no
+vegetables! I--I am a rich woman!
+
+[She falls back fainting into SIR JULIAN'S arms as they all surround
+her. At the same moment LEBANON rushes in with MRS. GAYLUSTRE. He has a
+telegram in his hand; his aspect is wild, his face white.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley! Where is she? Lady Twombley!
+
+[As LADY TWOMBLEY is assisted to a chair LEBANON falls into another.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Joseph!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Be quiet! Lady Twombley is ill!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ill! Look at Joseph! My only brother!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, explain this telegram or my brain will give way.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, no--tell me. My brain is stronger than Sir Julian's.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN and the DOWAGER apart.] Mother--Sir Julian----
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I want a word or two with my friend, Lady T.
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE arranges his chair so that he faces LADY TWOMBLEY. She
+and LEBANON stare at each other.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I've 'ad a wire.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+So have I.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+From Moss & Emanuel, my brokers.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mine is from Reeves & Shuckleback.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, I see--_your_ brokers. You've done me, Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't mention it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You're a knowing one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm sure I'm very gratified to hear you say so.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+The Bills! Give me the Bills you swindled me out of!
+
+[He advances violently, but MRS. GAYLUSTRE holds him back. LADY TWOMBLEY
+hands the Bills to SIR JULIAN.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon, the Bills, sir. [Giving them.]
+
+[LEBANON snaps his fingers demonstratively in SIR JULIAN'S face.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Drum., thank you for your _recherche_ hospitality. Carriage to the
+station in the morning, if you please. [Kissing his hands.] Ladies----
+[Breaking down.] Oh, Fanny, take me to bed!
+
+[He goes out. MRS. GAYLUSTRE is about to follow, when LADY MACPHAIL
+enters with MACPHAIL.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam! My boy--my poor lad--has told me of your behaviour.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+My behaviour! He loves me!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I thought I'd just better mention the affair to mother.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Of course; conceal nothing from your parent.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+And mother agrees with me----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That it would be just a risky matter to correspond with a widow lady.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Producing MRS. GAYLUSTRE's card from his stocking.] So I'm thinking I
+sha'n't require this address.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah! [She slaps his face violently and runs out.]
+
+EVERYBODY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL embraces him. The music of the Strathspey is heard
+again.]
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+The Strathspey. Come into the ball-room. What has happened?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't enter the ball-room again to-night!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+But you must dance the Strathspey.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Must I? Dance then! [They take their places for the dance.] Pa!
+Valentine, Imogen! Brooke, Effie! Keith, Egidia! Lady Macphail, Sir
+Colin! Dance! Dance with foolish, thoughtless, weak-headed Kitty
+Twombley for the last time, for to-morrow she becomes a sober, wise,
+happy, and contented woman! Dance!
+
+[They dance the Strathspey and Reel--SIR JULIAN with LADY TWOMBLEY,
+DRUMDURRIS with EGIDIA, BROOKE with LADY EUPHEMIA, VALENTINE with
+IMOGEN, LADY MACPHAIL with MACPHAIL. The DOWAGER sits apart gloomily.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY while dancing.] You've been indiscreet again, Kitty.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Finally, Julian, finally!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No more extravagance?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never! Never!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+And you resign yourself to a peaceful, rural life?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Promise me--promise me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha, ha! Dance, pa, dance!
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+=A Selection=
+
+FROM
+
+_MR. WM. HEINEMANN'S LIST_
+
+January 1892.
+
+=The Crown Copyright Series.=
+
+_The changed conditions of publishing in the English-speaking countries,
+brought about by the American Copyright Legislation of 1891, have made
+it possible--without doing injustice to the authors--to issue new and
+original works of fiction in a form immediately accessible to the large
+class of readers who are unwilling to be permanently and entirely
+beholden to the Circulating Libraries. Mr. Heinemann has therefore made
+arrangements with a number of the first and most popular authors of
+to-day,_
+
+    _ENGLISH, AMERICAN, AND COLONIAL,_
+
+_which will enable him to issue new and original works of theirs in a
+Series to be known as the CROWN COPYRIGHT SERIES at a uniform price of
+FIVE SHILLINGS per volume._
+
+_These novels will not pass through an expensive two or three volume
+edition, but they will be obtainable at the Circulating Libraries as
+well as at all Booksellers and Bookstalls._
+
+_The following volumes are now ready_:--
+
+ACCORDING TO ST. JOHN. By AMELIE RIVES, Author of "The Quick or the
+Dead," &c.
+
+THE PENANCE OF PORTIA JAMES. By "TASMA," Author of "Uncle Piper of
+Piper's Hill," &c.
+
+INCONSEQUENT LIVES. A Village Chronicle, Shewing how certain Folk set
+out for El Dorado, What they Attempted, and What they Attained. By J. H.
+PEARCE, Author of "Esther Pentreath," &c.
+
+A QUESTION OF TASTE. By MAARTEN MAARTENS, Author of "The Sin of Joost
+Avelingh," &c. [_In the Press._
+
+
+Heinemann's 3s. 6d. Novels.
+
+UNCLE PIPER OF PIPER'S HILL. By "TASMA," Author of "The Penance of
+Portia James," &c.
+
+A MARKED MAN. Some Episodes in his Life. By ADA CAMBRIDGE.
+
+     _Pall Mall_.--"Contains one of the best written stories of a
+     _mesalliance_ that is to be found in modern fiction."
+
+IN THE VALLEY. By HAROLD FREDERIC. Illustrated.
+
+     _Athenaeum_.--"A novel deserving to be read."
+
+THE THREE MISS KINGS. By ADA CAMBRIDGE.
+
+     _British Weekly_.--"A novel to be bought and kept for
+     re-reading on languid summer afternoons or stormy winter
+     evenings."
+
+PRETTY MISS SMITH. By FLORENCE WARDEN.
+
+     _Punch_.--"Since the 'House on the Marsh,' I have not read a
+     more exciting tale."
+
+A ROMANCE OF THE CAPE FRONTIER. By BERTRAM MITFORD.
+
+     _Observer_.--"A rattling tale--genial, healthy, and spirited."
+
+THE BONDMAN. By HALL CAINE.
+
+     _Academy_--"A splendid novel."
+
+A VERY STRANGE FAMILY. By F. W. ROBINSON.
+
+     _Glasgow Herald_.--"Delightful reading from start to finish."
+
+A MODERN MARRIAGE. By the MARQUISE CLARA LANZA.
+
+     _Queen_.--"A powerful story."
+
+LOS CERRITOS. A Romance of the Modern Time. By GERTRUDE FRANKLIN
+ATHERTON.
+
+     _Athenaeum_.--"A decidedly charming romance."
+
+DAUGHTERS OF MEN. By HANNAH LYNCH, Author of "The Prince of the Glades,"
+&c. [_Shortly._
+
+
+New Works of Fiction.
+
+THE SCAPEGOAT. By HALL CAINE, Author of "The Bondman." Fourth Edition.
+In Two Vols.
+
+MAMMON. By Mrs. ALEXANDER, Author of "The Wooing O't," &c. In Three
+Vols.
+
+MEA CULPA. A Woman's Last Word. By HENRY HARLAND (Sidney Luska), Author
+of "As it was Written." In Three Volumes, crown 8vo.
+
+COME FORTH! A Story of the Time of Christ. By ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS
+and HERBERT D. WARD. In One Volume, imperial 16mo, 7s. 6d.
+
+THE MASTER OF THE MAGICIANS. A Novel. By ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS and
+HERBERT D. WARD. In One Volume, imperial 16mo, 7s. 6d.
+
+THE MOMENT AFTER. A Tale of the Unseen. By ROBERT BUCHANAN. Popular
+Edition, crown 8vo, 1s.
+
+
+_In Preparation._
+
+WOMAN AND THE MAN. By ROBERT BUCHANAN. In Two Vols.
+
+LITTLE JOHANNES. A Fairy Tale. By F. VAN EEDEN. Translated from the
+Dutch, by CLARA BELL, with an Introduction by ANDREW LANG, and
+Illustrations. In One Volume.
+
+THE TOWER OF TADDEO. By OUIDA, Author of "Two Little Wooden Shoes," &c.
+
+ORIOLE'S DAUGHTER. By JESSIE FOTHERGILL, Author of "The First Violin,"
+&c. In Three Vols.
+
+COME LIVE WITH ME AND BE MY LOVE. By ROBERT BUCHANAN.
+
+THE WHITE FEATHER. By "TASMA." In Three Vols.
+
+NOT ALL IN VAIN. By ADA CAMBRIDGE, Author of "A Marked Man," &c.
+
+A BATTLE AND A BOY. By BLANCHE WILLIS HOWARD, Author of "Guenn," &c.
+
+
+Miscellaneous.
+
+THE WORD OF THE LORD UPON THE WATERS. Sermons read by the Emperor of
+Germany while on his Voyages to the Land of the Midnight Sun. Composed
+by Dr. RICHTER. Small 4to, cloth, _2s. 6d._, postage _4d._
+
+THE LITTLE MANX NATION. By HALL CAINE, Author of "The Bondman." Crown
+8vo, cloth, _3s. 6d._; paper, _2s. 6d._
+
+GIRLS AND WOMEN. By E. CHESTER. Pott 8vo, _2s. 6d._, or gilt extra, _3s.
+6d._
+
+GOSSIP IN A LIBRARY. By EDMUND GOSSE. Crown 8vo, bevelled boards, _7s.
+6d._
+
+CONTENTS: Camden's Britannia. A Mirror for Magistrates. A Poet in
+Prison. Death's Duel. Gerard's Herbal. Pharamond. A Volume of Old Plays.
+A Censor of Poets. Lady Winchilsea's Poems. Amasia. Love and Business.
+What Ann Lang read. Cats. Smart's Poems. Pompey the Little. John Buncle.
+Beau Nash. The Diary of a Lover of Literature. Peter Bell and his
+Tormentors. The Fancy. Ultra-crepidarius. The Duke of Rutland's Poems.
+Ionica. The Shaving of Shagpat.
+
+WOMAN--THROUGH A MAN'S EYE-GLASS. By MALCOLM C. SALAMAN. With
+Illustrations by DUDLEY HARDY.     [_In the Press._
+
+THE WORKS OF HEINRICH HEINE. Translated by CHARLES G. LELAND, F.R.L.S.,
+M.A. Volume I.--Florentine Nights, Schnabelewopski. The Rabbi of
+Bacharach, and Shakespeare's Maidens and Women. Volumes II. and III.,
+Pictures of Travel. In Two Volumes. Volume IV., The Book of Songs.
+Volumes V. and VI., Germany. In Two Volumes. Crown 8vo, _5s._ each.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
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+_21 BEDFORD STREET, LONDON, W.C._
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+[Illustration]
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