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diff --git a/33956.txt b/33956.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..423d4ab --- /dev/null +++ b/33956.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1979 @@ +Project Gutenberg's A Hand-book of Etiquette for Ladies, by Anonymous + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Hand-book of Etiquette for Ladies + +Author: Anonymous + +Release Date: October 1, 2010 [EBook #33956] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE FOR *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + +TranscriberaEuro(TM)s Note + +Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. A list of corrections +is found at the end of the text. + + + + + TRUE POLITENESS. + + A + HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE + FOR + LADIES. + + + BY AN AMERICAN LADY. + + + New York: + LEAVITT AND ALLEN. + + + + + Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year + 1847, by + + GEORGE S. APPLETON. + + In the Office of the Clerk of the District Court of the United + States in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + Introductions 5 + Recognitions and Salutations 11 + Dress and Fashion 14 + Conversation--Tattling 19 + Visits and Visiting 26 + Receiving Visits 32 + Ball-Room--Parties--Dancing 36 + Music 43 + The Dinner Table 45 + Courtship and Marriage 53 + Servants 55 + Letters and Notes 57 + Funerals 59 + Cards 60 + Presents 61 + General Observations 63 + + + + + TRUE POLITENESS + FOR + LADIES. + + + + +INTRODUCTIONS. + + +I. + +Never introduce persons to each other without a knowledge that it will +be agreeable to both parties; this may sometimes be ascertained without +a formal question: very great intimacy with and knowledge of each party +may be a sufficient assurance that the introduction will be agreeable. + + +II. + +The inferior should always be introduced to the superior--ladies take +precedence of gentlemen; you will present the gentleman to the lady, +not the lady to the gentleman. + + +III. + +An introduction at a ball for the purpose of dancing does not compel you +to recognise the person in the street or in any public place; and except +under very peculiar circumstances such intimacies had better cease with +the ball. + + +IV. + +When introducing one to another, mention the name of each distinctly. A +failure to do this is often the cause of much embarrassment. If you have +been introduced, and have not caught the name, it is better to say at +once, aEurooeI beg pardon; I did not hear the name;aEuro it will save much +unpleasant feeling. + + +V. + +As a general rule, avoid all proffers of introduction, unless from those +in whom, from relationship or other causes, you can place implicit +confidence. A lady cannot shake off an improper acquaintance with the +same facility as a gentleman can do, and her character is more easily +affected by contact with the worthless and dissipated. + + +VI. + +Upon a first introduction to a lady or gentleman, make a slight but +gracious inclination of the head and body. The old style of curtsying +has given place to the more easy and graceful custom of bowing. It is +ill-bred to shake hands. + + +VII. + +If you meet a lady for the second or subsequent times, the hand may be +extended in addition to the inclination of the head; but never extend +the hand to a gentleman, unless you are very intimate. + + +VIII. + +Bow with slow and measured dignity; never hastily. + + +IX. + +If you wish to avoid the company of a gentleman who has been properly +introduced, treat him with respect, at the same time shunning his +company. But few will mistake you. + + +X. + +If, in travelling, any one introduces himself to you in a proper and +respectful manner, conduct yourself toward him with reserve and dignity, +yet with ease and politeness; and thank him for any attentions he may +render you. If he is a gentleman he will appreciate your behavior; if he +is not, he will be deterred from annoying you. All such acquaintances +cease with the occasion. Converse only upon topics of general interest; +it is necessary only to be civil. If he should betray the least want of +respect, turn from him in dignified silence; a lady by her behavior +always has it in her power to silence the boldest. + + +XI. + +If on paying a morning visit you meet strangers at the house of your +friend and are introduced, it is a mere matter of form, and does not +entitle you to future recognition by such persons. + + +XII. + +Be very cautious of giving a gentleman a letter of introduction to a +lady,--it may be the means of settling the weal or woe of the persons +for life. + + +XIII. + +If you have an introductory letter, do not deliver it yourself, unless +upon cases of urgent business, but send it with your card and the number +of your lodging, enclosed in an envelope, as soon as you have made +yourself comfortable after arriving at your destination. + + +XIV. + +On receiving a letter introducing any person, so soon as convenient +wait upon her, and show such attention as the nature of the introduction +may require: upon meeting the party introduced, you will easily perceive +whether any further INTIMACY will be desirable. + + +XV. + +A lady, who receives a letter introducing a gentleman, may answer it by +a note to the bearer, inviting him to pay a morning or evening visit. + + +XVI. + +When introduced to another lady, you may say, aEurooeI am very happy to make +your acquaintance;aEuro but there are few cases where this remark can be +addressed with propriety to a gentleman. It is a favor for him to be +presented to her, therefore the pleasure is on his side. + + + + +RECOGNITIONS AND SALUTATIONS. + + +XVII. + +The superior in rank and station should first salute the inferior. +Therefore, if you meet a gentleman in the street with whom you are +acquainted, recollect that it is your province to recognise him before +he presumes to salute you. Another reason is, he may bow to you, when +you do not recognise him, and there is no remedy; but if you recognise +him first, no _gentleman_ would fail to return the salute. Though +etiquette is quite definite on the subject, it is often waived with +advantage when intimacy, equality of station and circumstances, and a +known appreciation of each other, warrant the liberty. + + +XVIII. + +If a person whom you have met as specified in Nos. IV. and XI., should +presume to salute you, do not recognise the salute, but pass on, and +leave him to suppose that you imagined it was intended for another. + + +XIX. + +On meeting a friend in any public place, do not boisterously salute, or +proclaim her name aloud. + + +XX. + +It is, in general, bad taste for ladies to kiss each other in the +presence of gentlemen, with whom they are but slightly acquainted. + + +XXI. + +It is proper to vary the phraseology of questions concerning anotheraEuro(TM)s +health as much as possible, and to abstain from them entirely toward a +superior or a person with whom we are but little acquainted, as such +inquiries presuppose some degree of intimacy. Custom forbids a lady to +make these inquiries of a gentleman, unless he is very ill or aged. + + +XXII. + +After we are informed of the health of the persons we are visiting, it +is proper to inquire of them in relation to that of their families; and +in case of absence of near relations, if they have heard from them +lately, and if the news is favorable. They on their part usually ask the +same of us. + + +XXIII. + +If in a public promenade you repeatedly pass persons of your +acquaintance, salute them only on the first occasion. + + +XXIV. + +It is unladylike to _cut_ a person; if you wish to rid yourself of any +oneaEuro(TM)s society, a cold bow in the street, and particular ceremony in the +circles of your mutual acquaintance, is the best mode to adopt. + + +XXV. + +Always bow when meeting acquaintances in the street. To curtsy is not +gracefully consistent with locomotion. + + + + +DRESS AND FASHION. + + +XXVI. + +The plainest dress is always the most genteel, and a lady that dresses +plainly will never be dressed unfashionably. Next to plainness, in every +well-dressed lady, is neatness of dress and taste in the selection of +colors. + + +XXVII. + +Let your dress harmonize with your complexion, your size, and the +circumstances in which you may be placed: for instance, the dress for +walking, for a dinner or an evening party, each requires a different +style of both material and ornament. + + +XXVIII. + +Avoid the extreme _mode_; and, in adopting the style of your friend, be +careful that it will suit your figure, your complexion, and stature: +the dress which may be adapted to her may be absurd in you. + + +XXIX. + +If your stature be short, you should not allow a superfluity of flounces +upon the skirt of your dress: if you are tall, they may be +advantageously adopted when fashion does not forbid them. + + +XXX. + +A very high head-dress would not be suitable for a very tall or short +person; the latter may venture upon a higher dress than the former. A +person with a short neck should be careful as to the sort of frill she +wears, if she considers one necessary; while a person with a very long +one may relieve the awkwardness of the appearance by judiciously +adopting this article of dress. + + +XXXI. + +A hostess should not dress so richly as when she is a guest: it is good +taste in a lady not to appear to vie with her guests in the richness of +her attire. + + +XXXII. + +Be not ostentatious in the display of jewelry: if, however, you have +superb jewelry, your dress and your establishment should harmonize +therewith, or the world will either not give you credit for their real +worth, or it will charge you with ostentatious extravagance. + + +XXXIII. + +Never wear mosaic gold or paste diamonds; they are representatives of a +mean ambition to appear what you are not, and most likely what you ought +not to wish to be. + + +XXXIV. + +Let your ornaments be, then, more remarkable for their intrinsic worth, +and for the taste with which they are chosen and worn, than for +profusion. + + +XXXV. + +Ladies of good taste seldom wear jewelry in the morning, and when they +do, confine themselves to trinkets of gold, or those in which opaque +stones only are introduced. Ornaments with brilliant stones are unsuited +for a morning costume. + + +XXXVI. + +In large parties do not exhibit any remarkable anxiety for the care of +your dress, nor, if an accident should happen thereto, exhibit peculiar +or violent emotion; if you are so _distraite_, many will believe that +you have exhibited the best portion of your wardrobe. + + +XXXVII. + +Adapt your head-dress, or the style of your hair, to the character of +your face. If you have your own maid, she will soon ascertain what style +suits you best; if, however, you intrust to a _friseur_ this important +portion of your appearance, give him complete directions, or he will +not regard the character of the physiognomy, but arrange your hair +according to the last importation of blocks from Paris or London. + + +XXXVIII. + +Gloves should harmonize with your dress; and must always be clean. +Nothing can be more vulgar than high-coloured gloves: the primrose (and +the white for evening parties) are the most elegant, if your dress will +admit of their being worn. + + +XXXIX. + +Perfumes are a necessary appendage to the toilet; let them be delicate, +not powerful; the Atta of roses is the most elegant; the Heduesmia is at +once fragrant and delicate. Many others may be named; but none must be +patronized which are so obtrusive as to give the idea that they are not +indulged in as a luxury but used from necessity. + + +XL. + +Keep your finger-nails scrupulously clean, and avoid the disagreeable +habit of allowing them to grow to an unnatural length. + + +XLI. + +Singularity of dress and ostentatious ornament are by no means +characteristic of a lady, but their adoption proves a _primAc facie_ case +against the wearer of being a _nouveau riche_ striving after notoriety. +Station and refinement of manner will make those vulgarisms bearable, or +even pleasing; but the parties are then bearable or pleasing in spite +of, not in consequence of them. + + + + +CONVERSATION,--TATTLING. + + +XLII. + +Conversation is a difficult art, but do not despair of acquiring it. It +consists not so much in saying something different from the rest, but +in extending the remarks of others; in being willing to please and be +pleased; and in being attentive to what is said and to what is passing +around you. Talking is not conversation, it is the manner of saying +things which gives them their value. + + +XLIII. + +One of the greatest requisites, also, is the art of listening +discreetly. To listen is a delicate piece of flattery, and a compliment +so gratifying as to surely recommend you. + + +XLIV. + +Cultivate a soft tone of voice and a courteous mode of expression. + + +XLV. + +It is better to say too little than too much in company: let your +conversation be consistent with your sex and age. + + +XLVI. + +Cautiously avoid relating in one house any follies or faults you may +hear or see in another. + + +XLVII. + +Never converse with strangers or mere acquaintances upon family +circumstances or differences. + + +XLVIII. + +Do not look for faults in the characters or habits of your friends--the +critic generally likes to communicate her opinions or discoveries--hence +arises a habit of detraction. + + +XLIX. + +Never encourage tattling or detraction; if there were no listeners this +petty vice could not exist; besides, the habit of listening to this sort +of gossip will soon induce you to participate, by similar +communications. + + +L. + +Abjure punning, and exercising even the most refined RAILLERY: the +latter requires both observation and talent, and most people mistake +satire for raillery; the one may be the offspring of a vicious, the +former must be of an enlightened and benevolent mind. + + +LI. + +Do not appear abstracted while another person is speaking; and never +interrupt another by intruding a remark of your own. + + +LII. + +Avoid pedantry and dogmatism. Be not obtrusively positive in the +assertion of your opinions--modesty of speech, as well as manner, is +highly ornamental in a woman. + + +LIII. + +_Double entendre_ is detestable in a woman, especially when perpetrated +in the presence of men; no man of taste can respect a woman who is +guilty of it: though it may create a laugh, it will inevitably excite +also disgust in the minds of all whose good opinions are worth +acquiring. Therefore not only avoid all indelicate expressions, but +appear not to understand any that may be uttered in your presence. + + +LIV. + +Rather be silent than talk nonsense, unless you have that agreeable art, +possessed by some women, of investing little nothings with an air of +grace and interest; this most enviable art is indeed very desirable in a +hostess, as it often fills up disagreeable pauses, and serves as a +prelude for the introduction of more intellectual matter. + + +LV. + +Flattery is a powerful weapon in conversation; all are susceptible to +it. It should be used skilfully, never direct, but inferred; better +acted than uttered. Let it seem to be the unwitting and even the +unwilling expression of genuine admiration, the honest expression of the +feelings. + + +LVI. + +Do not (except with a view to improvement) introduce subjects with +which you are but superficially acquainted. If you should do so with the +idea that all others present are equally or more ignorant than yourself, +you may be very disagreeably undeceived, by some quiet, unpresuming +person, who may have been listening to the development of your +ignorance. + + +LVII. + +Do not use the terms aEurooe_genteel people_;aEuro aEurooeThis, that, or the other, is +very _genteel_.aEuro Substitute for them, aEurooeThey are highly accomplished;aEuro +aEurooehe is a gentlemanly man;aEuro aEurooethat has a gentlemanly appearance;aEuro aEurooeshe has +the manners of a gentlewoman.aEuro + + +LVIII. + +It is not good taste for a lady to say aEurooeYes, Sir,aEuro and aEurooeNo, Sir,aEuro to a +gentleman, or frequently to introduce the word aEurooeSiraEuro at the end of her +sentence, unless she desire to be exceedingly reserved toward the person +with whom she is conversing. + + +LIX. + +Do not introduce proverbs and cant phrases; a well educated lady can +always find words to express her meaning, without resorting to these. + + +LX. + +Never introduce your own affairs for the amusement of the company; such +discussions cannot be interesting to others, and the probability is that +the most patient listener is laying the foundation for some tale to make +you appear ridiculous. + + +LXI. + +It is not contrary to good-breeding to laugh in company, and even to +laugh heartily when there is anything amusing going on; this is nothing +more than being sociable. To remain prim and precise on such occasions, +is sheer affectation. Avoid, however, what is called the aEurooehorse-laugh.aEuro + + +LXII. + +Never laugh at your own remarks; it may be a very agreeable excitation, +but it invariably spoils what you are saying. + + +LXIII. + +If you are a wit, do not let your witty remarks engross the whole +conversation, as it wounds the self-love of your hearers, who also wish +to be heard, and becomes excessively fatiguing. + + +LXIV. + +Do not address persons by the initial of their names; aEurooeMrs. A. says +this;aEuro aEurooeMrs. B. does that;aEuro it is a mark of vulgarity. + + + + +VISITS. + + +LXV. + +A ladyaEuro(TM)s visiting card should be of small size, glazed, but not gilt. It +should be engraved in script characters, small and neat, not in German +text or Old English. Never have your card printed; a written card, +though passable, is not perfectly _au fait_. If you write them, never +first draw a line across the card to guide you,--it betokens +ill-breeding. + + +LXVI. + +A morning call should not exceed from a quarter of an hour to twenty +minutes in duration; the most proper time for such visits is between +eleven and two oaEuro(TM)clock; if your friends are people of fashion, from +twelve to three will be the best hours. + + +LXVII. + +If the persons called on be not at home, leave a card for each person to +whom the visit was designed, or beg the servant to mention that you +inquired for so many persons. + + +LXVIII. + +The subjects for conversation should harmonize with the character of +your visit, and prevent your introducing a gay conversation, when +paying a visit of condolence; or subjects requiring deep thought, upon +casual visits or calls of ceremony. + + +LXIX. + +In making friendly calls almost all ceremony should be dispensed with. +They are made at all hours, without much preparation or dressing. + + +LXX. + +Visits of ceremony should be paid after a nearly similar interval has +elapsed from when they were made. People in this way give you notice +whether they wish to see you seldom or often. + + +LXXI. + +Never display the visiting cards you may receive, by placing them in the +frame of your looking-glass. It is usual to have an ornamental +card-basket on the centre table. + + +LXXII. + +If the person you call upon is preparing to go out, or to sit down at +table, you ought, although asked to remain, to retire as soon as +possible. The person visited so unseasonably, should on her part be +careful to conceal her knowledge that the other wishes the visit ended +quickly. + + +LXXIII. + +Ceremonious visits should be short; if the conversation ceases without +being again continued by the person you have come to see, and if she +rises from her seat under any pretext whatever, custom requires you to +make your salutation and withdraw. If other visiters are announced, you +should leave soon after without saying much. If a letter is brought in, +entreat your hostess to read it; she will probably not do so, and this +circumstance will warn you to shorten your visit. + + +LXXIV. + +A lady is at liberty to take either a gentleman or another lady to pay +a morning visit to a friend, without asking permission; but she should +never allow a gentleman the same liberty; if he desires to make any of +his friends known to her, he must first ask if the acquaintance would be +agreeable. + + +LXXV. + +When a lady visits another for the first time, her visit should be +returned within a week. + + +LXXVI. + +If when paying an evening visit you should find a party assembled, enter +as you would otherwise have done, but remain only a few minutes, and +escape in as quiet a way as possible. Let it be known shortly after, in +such a way that it will reach the family, that you were unaware of +company being assembled. + + +LXXVII. + +In calling upon a person staying at a hotel, if she is not at home add +your address to your name, else your visit may be fruitless. + + +LXXVIII. + +When about to be absent a long time, make your farewell visit short, +announcing the fact; if necessary to leave your card, mark on it T. T. +L. or P. P. C. When you return, those upon whom you have called will pay +you the first visit; those whom you have neglected, will properly +conclude the acquaintance is discontinued. If you are married while +abroad, this is especially the case. + + +LXXIX. + +Visits after a party or dinner should be paid within the week. + + +LXXX. + +Upon the death of any member of a family with which you have associated, +visits of condolence should not be _personally_ made until after a week +or two has elapsed. + + + + +RECEIVING VISITS. + + +LXXXI. + +In receiving morning visits, lay aside any employment in which you may +be occupied; this will enable you to pay those little attentions, and to +say those elegant but appropriate nothings, which make your guests +immediately at home, and tend to the establishment of your character as +one of _the mode_. When your visiters rise to depart, ring the bell for +a servant to open the street door. + + +LXXXII. + +Avoid all appearance of anxiety; yet let nothing escape your attention. + + +LXXXIII. + +When visitors enter, rise immediately, advance toward them, and request +them to be seated. If it is an elderly person, insist upon his occupying +the arm-chair; if a lady, beg her to be seated on the sofa. + + +LXXXIV. + +In winter the most honorable place is the corner of the fireplace; +therefore, if a married lady enters, offer her that seat. If this place +is occupied by a young lady, she ought to rise and offer her seat to the +other, taking for herself a chair in another part of the room. + + +LXXXV. + +In proportion as the visiter is a stranger, you will rise, and any +persons already there, should do the same. If any withdraw, conduct them +as far as the door of the parlor. + + +LXXXVI. + +As hostess, in your attentions, consider all your guests equal; the +greatest stranger or person of least rank should, if any, receive more +attention than others. + + +LXXXVII. + +If your guests are about to remain on a visit of any length, see before +their arrival that their room is furnished with everything which can +contribute to neatness, and their comfort. Congratulate them upon their +arrival, and express the pleasure it gives you; inquire kindly about the +incidents of their journey, and request them to make your house their +home. Be assiduous in your attentions, and show them every object of +interest about the house and neighborhood. + + +LXXXVIII. + +If your guests express an intention of leaving you, affectionately +endeavor to detain them; if not successful, renew your invitation for +another visit, and express your regret at parting so soon. + + +LXXXIX. + +The art of receiving company can only be acquired by education, +experience, or close observation. Have a determination to act naturally, +not hurried, and let a desire to please be a ruling principle; you will +then generally act correctly. + + + + +THE BALL-ROOM. + + +XC. + +Invitations to a ball or evening party should be given in the ladyaEuro(TM)s +name, and answers to such invitations should be addressed to her, cards +of invitation are usually issued from one to three weeks previous to the +entertainment. + + +XCI. + +The hours for the arrival of the guests vary from nine to twelve +oaEuro(TM)clock: in this you will be guided by the usages of the circle in which +you move. + + +XCII. + +Never go early to a public ball; and do not be frequently seen at such. +When you do attend, do not dance from the time you enter the room until +you leave; it may leave the impression that you have few opportunities +of dancing except at such balls. + + +XCIII. + +As the fashion for a ladyaEuro(TM)s dress for a ball is so constantly changing, +it is impossible to prescribe. But we may remark, that the handkerchief +should be aEurooefine as a snowy cobweb,aEuro and perfumed just sufficiently to +render it agreeable. Your gloves should be of white kid, your shoes +small and fitting with the nicest exactness. + + +XCIV. + +When you enter the drawing-room, immediately advance and pay your +respects to the ladies of the house; until this is done, do not +recognise any one you may know. If, as it sometimes happens, the lady is +not in the room when you enter, though the position may be rather +embarrassing if you do not meet any acquaintances, do not show that it +is so, but enter into conversation with your partner or the lady nearest +you, until the lady returns, when you immediately pay your respects; +which should be a little more marked than when paying a morning visit. + + +XCV. + +If possible, do not enter a room alone. If you have no brother or near +relation, you may at any time request a gentleman of your acquaintance, +who has not been invited by the lady of the house, to accompany you. + + +XCVI. + +The lady of the house should dance, if at all, but little, unless there +is a distinguished stranger present to whom it is desirable to pay a +compliment. This is necessary, that you may be enabled to attend to your +guests, and make the evening agreeable to them. If you do dance, you may +select your partner, who should feel honored by the act. + + +XCVII. + +If the hostess intends to dance, it is customary for her to open the +ball: if she does not, the host opens it with the lady of the highest +rank present. + + +XCVIII. + +When a gentleman who has been properly introduced requests the honor of +dancing with you, you will not refuse unless you have a previous +engagement. + + +XCIX. + +At the ordinary public balls, it is desirable to make up a party +sufficiently large to render you independent of the introductions of the +master of the ceremonies, as, in spite of his best efforts, +objectionable individuals will gain access to such. When a party is thus +formed, you can easily and without rudeness refuse to be introduced to +any gentleman, by stating that you are engaged; as of course you would +be to your friends for that evening. + + +C. + +If a gentleman presumes to ask you to dance without an introduction, +you will of course refuse. It is hardly necessary to supply the fair +reader with words to repel such a rudeness; a man must have more than +ordinary impertinence if he was not satisfied by your saying, aEurooeI must +decline, sir, not having the honor of your acquaintance;aEuro and recollect +that his previous rudeness ought to be punished by your refusing to be +introduced. + + +CI. + +Draw on your gloves in the dressing-room, and do not take them off +during the evening, except at supper-time, when it should be invariably +done. + + +CII. + +Let your dancing be quiet and unobtrusive; let your movements in the +dance be characterized by elegance and gracefulness, rather than by +activity and complexity of steps. + + +CIII. + +In giving the hand for aEurooeladiesaEuro(TM) chain,aEuro or any other figures, you +should wear a smile, and accompany it with a polite inclination of the +head in the manner of a salutation. + + +CIV. + +Pay attention to the dance, but not so marked as to appear as if that +attention was necessary to prevent a mistake. A lively manner harmonizes +with the scene; but, to preserve this, it is not necessary to be +boisterous. Refinement of manners has, in woman, an unspeakable charm. + + +CV. + +Recollect that your partner is for the time being your very humble +servant, and that he will be honored by acquiescing in any of your +wishes: for instance, you may wish to promenade, to walk from one room +to another, to join your friends; you may require a jelly, ice, wine, or +any other refreshment; your dress may have become disarranged; in short, +he will feel honored by receiving your commands, and ought to +anticipate your wishes on most of the above, and many more ordinary +occasions. On no account be seen parading a ball-room by yourself. + + +CVI. + +When you are dancing, you will consider yourself engaged to your +partner, therefore not at liberty to hold a flirtation between the +figures with some other gentleman. + + +CVII. + +Do not mistake affectation for refinement: it would be no less an error +than confounding vice with virtue. + + +CVIII. + +Do not make a public room the arena for torturing any simple swain who +_perchance_ may admire you a little more than you deserve. Recollect +that while you are wounding anotheraEuro(TM)s heart you may be trifling with +your own peace. + + +CIX. + +When you leave a party before the others, do so quietly and as little +seen as possible; first making your parting curtsy to the ladies of the +house, if convenient. During the week, make them a visit of thanks, at +which you may converse of the pleasure of the ball, and the good +selection of the company. + + +CX. + +If you are engaged to a gentleman, do not let your attention be paid +exclusively to him--the object of your love should alone perceive it. + + +CXI. + +If you have accepted an invitation, do not fail to keep it unless for +the most unavoidable reasons. + + +CXII. + +The members of an invited family should not be seen conversing often +together at a party. + + + + +MUSIC. + + +CXIII. + +Never exhibit any particular anxiety to sing or to play. You may have a +fine voice, have a brilliant instrumental execution; but your friends +may by possibility neither admire nor appreciate either. + + +CXIV. + +If you intend to sing, do not affect to refuse when asked, but at once +accede. If you are a good singer, your prompt compliance will add to the +pleasure of your friends, and to their regard; if you are not the desire +to amuse will have been evinced, and will be appreciated. + + +CXV. + +Do not sing songs descriptive of masculine passion or sentiment; there +is an abundance of superior songs for both sexes. + + +CXVI. + +If you are singing second, do not drag on, nor as it were tread upon the +heels of your _prima_; if you do not regard your friendaEuro(TM)s feelings, have +mercy on your own reputation, for nine out of ten in every party will +think you in the wrong, and those who know that you are singing in +correct time, will believe you ill-natured or not sufficiently mistress +of the song to wait upon your friend. + + +CXVII. + +If playing an accompaniment to a singer, do not forget that your +instrument is intended to aid, not to interrupt: that it is to be +subordinate to the song. + + +CXVIII. + +If nature has not given you a voice, do not attempt to sing, unless you +have sufficient taste, knowledge, and judgment, to cover its defects by +an accompaniment. + + +CXIX. + +Never sing more than one or two songs consecutively. + + +CXX. + +When at concerts or private parties where music is being performed, +never converse, no matter how anxious you may be to do so, or how many +persons you may see doing so; and refrain from beating time, humming the +airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration. + + + + +THE DINNER-TABLE. + + +CXXI. + +Invitations to dinner must of course be answered to the lady. Cards of +invitation to a dinner party are usually issued from three days to a +fortnight previous to the entertainment; they should specify the hour of +meeting. The proper number for such a party is somewhat in dispute: the +happy medium may be considered ten. + + +CXXII. + +As persons are necessarily introduced at a dinner party, only such +persons as are known to each other, or who mutually desire to be +acquainted should be invited, except under the circumstances alluded to +in No. I. + + +CXXIII. + +Be punctual to the hour appointed. + + +CXXIV. + +When an invitation is accepted, let nothing but imperative necessity +compel you to break the engagement, or at the last moment to send an +excuse. + + +CXXV. + +When your guests enter, present them to the others, and if any delay +occur, let the conversation be light and on commonplace topics. + + +CXXVI. + +It is usual for the host or hostess to point out to the gentlemen the +ladies they are to conduct to the dining-room, according to some real +or imaginary standard (age or distinction). If persons of distinction +are present, it is desirable that this should be done--of course giving +them precedence. + + +CXXVII. + +The hostess follows her guests to the dining-room, the host having led +the way with the lady of most consideration; the gentleman of the +greatest distinction accompanies the hostess to the dining-room. + + +CXXVIII. + +The hostess takes the head of the table: the seat of honor for a +gentleman is at her right hand; for a lady, it is to the right of the +host. + + +CXXIX. + +Ladies do not wear gloves during dinner. + + +CXXX. + +In the best houses, the operation of carving is performed at the side +tables; _i. e._ the principal joint, or joints, which require strength +in the operation, are there carved. + + +CXXXI. + +Table napkins are indispensable at the dinner table; and silver forks +are now met with in almost every respectable house. Steel forks, except +for carving, are now seldom placed upon the dinner table. + + +CXXXII. + +It is usual to commence with soup, which never refuse; if you do not eat +it, you can toy with it until it is followed by fish; of either of which +never take more than once. + + +CXXXIII. + +When all are seated, send a plate of soup to every one. Do not ask any +one if they will be helped, as every one takes it, of course. + + +CXXXIV. + +Always feed yourself with the fork; a knife is only used as a divider. +Use a dessert spoon in eating tarts, puddings, curries, &c., &c. + + +CXXXV. + +If what you are eating before the dessert has any liquid, sop the bread +and then raise it to the mouth. For articles of the dessert having +liquid, a spoon is usually provided. + + +CXXXVI. + +In helping sauce or vegetables, place them upon the side of the viands +on the plate. + + +CXXXVII. + +If anything is sent you from the host or hostess, do not offer it to any +other person; and when helped do not wait until others are served, but +at once arrange your napkin, and proceed to the important business of +the moment. + + +CXXXVIII. + +In helping a joint, do not overload a personaEuro(TM)s plate; and if game, or +any particularly select dish is placed before you, serve it with +discretion. + + +CXXXIX. + +In helping, wherever a spoon can be conveniently used, it is preferable +to the use of a knife and fork. + + +CXL. + +Fish must be helped with a fish slice: you may carve it more dexterously +by taking a spoon in your left hand. + + +CXLI. + +Soup must be eaten from the side, not the point of the spoon; and, in +eating it, be careful not to make a noise, by strongly inhaling the +breath: this habit is excessively vulgar; you cannot eat too quietly. + + +CXLII. + +In helping soup, recollect that a little more than a ladle full is +sufficient. + + +CXLIII. + +As hostess, do not press people to eat more than they appear inclined +to take, nor force upon them any particular dish which you may think +superexcellent. If any difficulty occurs in carving, you should feel no +diffidence in requesting the gentleman to your right or left to assist +you: it is a part of their duty and privilege. + + +CXLIV. + +Do not ask any one at the table to help you to anything, but apply to +the servant. + + +CXLV. + +The hostess should never send away her plate until all the guests have +finished. + + +CXLVI. + +When you send your plate for anything, leave your knife and fork upon +it. When you have done, place both together on one side of the plate. + + +CXLVII. + +Servants wait at table in white gloves, or have a fine napkin in their +hand, which prevents its contact with your plate. + + +CXLVIII. + +Finger-glasses come on with the dessert; wet a corner of your napkin and +wipe your mouth; then immerse your fingers in the water and dry them +with the napkin. + + +CXLIX. + +As hostess, you will give the signal for retiring by rising from the +table. The time for so doing varies in different companies, and must be +left to your discretion. + + +CL. + +Should your servants break anything while you are at table, do not +appear to notice it. If they betray stupidity or awkwardness, avoid +reprimanding them publicly, as it only draws attention to their errors, +and adds to their embarrassment. + + +CLI. + +During the week which follows the entertainment, each of the guests owes +a visit to the entertainer. Converse about the dinner, the pleasure you +have enjoyed, and of the persons whom you have met there. + + +CLII. + +The mistress of the house should never appear to pride herself regarding +what is on her table, nor confuse herself with apologies for the bad +cheer which she may offer you; it is much better for her to observe +silence in this respect, and leave it to her guests to pronounce +eulogiums on the dinner. + + +CLIII. + +Ladies should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment, +unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some +one to accompany her; if unmarried, she goes with her mother. + + + + +COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. + + +CLIV. + +When about to be married send your card with the gentlemanaEuro(TM)s in an +envelope to the circle which you intend to visit. They are usually sent +by your connexions, or your bridesmaid and groomsman, with your +assistance. The ladyaEuro(TM)s should have engraved on it: aEurooeAt home, ----, --th +inst. at -- oaEuro(TM)clock.aEuro They should be sent at least one week previous. + + +CLV. + +The styles of card and envelope are so varied that none are more +fashionable than others. The cards are sometimes united by a white +ribbon, or silken cord. + + +CLVI. + +After marriage you need not retain the whole of your previous +acquaintance; those only to whom you send cards are for the future, +considered in the circle of your visiting acquaintance. The bridegroom +selects those persons among his former associates whom he wishes to +retain as such. + + +CLVII. + +When the married pair receive company call upon them, offer your +compliments, and wish them much happiness in their new sphere. Address +the bride _first_. Do not remain longer than a few minutes, unless it is +an evening party; when, after paying your respects, mingle with the rest +of the company. Retire early from a wedding party. + + +CLVIII. + +Newly married persons should abstain in public from every mark of +affection too conspicuous, and every exclusive attention. + + + + +SERVANTS. + + +CLVIX. + +Do not imagine that you will increase your importance by _hauteur_ to +your own or to other peopleaEuro(TM)s servants. + + +CLX. + +At the house of your friend always preface your request to a servant by +the words, aEurooeI would thank you for so and so;aEuro and do not omit the usual +courtesy on receiving it. + + +CLXI. + +Do not scold your servants; you had better turn them away at once. When +they need reproof, give them it in a calm, dignified, and firm manner; +but on no account, if you can possibly avoid it, find fault with them in +the presence of strangers, even though they should let fall the tray +with your best set of china upon it. + + +CLXII. + +If you have only one servant, speak of her by her Christian name; if you +have more, talk of them by the names of their offices, such as nurse, +cook, housemaid, footman, &c., but always address them by their +Christian names. + + + + +LETTERS AND NOTES. + + +CLXIII. + +In writing, endeavor to make your style clear, concise, elegant, and +appropriate for all subjects. Avoid repetitions, erasures, insertions, +omissions, and confusion of ideas, or labored construction. If your +letter is to an equal or friend, these blemishes may remain; if +otherwise, it must be commenced again. + + +CLXIV. + +To write on very coarse paper is allowable only for the most indigent; +to use gilt-edged and perfumed paper for letters of business, would be +ridiculous. The very best paper, but plain or without much ornament, is +most to be recommended. + + +CLXV. + +It is extremely impolite to write upon a single leaf of paper, even if +it is a billet; it should always be double, although we write only two +or three lines. Envelopes are now used almost as much as the paper +itself is. + + +CLXVI. + +Use a lofty style towards persons to whom you owe respect; an easy, +trifling, or even jesting style toward a friend, and a courteous style +toward one another generally. + + +CLXVII. + +The date is often necessary to the understanding of many passages of +your letter, therefore never omit it. It may be put at the right hand of +the commencement of the letter, if writing to an equal; but in writing +to a superior, it should be at the end, in order that the title at the +head of the letter may be entirely alone. + + +CLXVIII. + +Seal your communications with wax: bronze or other colors are more +suitable than red; use black wax when in mourning. Let the seal be +small; large ones are in very bad taste. + + +CLXIX. + +Ceremonious notes and social letters should always be in the third +person, and of course not signed. + + +CLXX. + +Letters of introduction should be concise and brief, and enclosed in an +envelope, unsealed. + + + + +FUNERALS. + + +CLXXI. + +When any of your acquaintances are deceased, be at the house at not +quite an hour after the time specified, as the procession moves exactly +one hour after the time announced. + + +CLXXII. + +It is optional whether you go to the grave or not; it is customary now, +to go merely to the house, until the procession has moved, when you are +at liberty to return to your ordinary pursuits. + + +CLXXIII. + +Returning cards aEurooeof thanksaEuro after a death for visits of condolence, +implies that the bereaved parties are prepared to receive visiters; it +must, therefore, be with them entirely a matter of feeling, as to how +soon it is done. + + + + +CARDS. + + +CLXXIV. + +Never be too punctilious and exacting with regard to the penalties +incurred through mistakes. + + +CLXXV. + +Lose without any exhibition of ill-humor, and win without any symptoms +of exultation. + + +CLXXVI. + +Never lose your temper at cards, and avoid the exhibition of anxiety or +of vexation at want of success. If you are playing whist, not only keep +your temper, but hold your tongue; any intimation to your partner is not +ladylike. + + +CLXXVII. + +Women should never play, unless they can retain the command of their +temper. She who wishes to win a heart or retain one, should never permit +her admirers to behold her at cards, as the anxiety they produce is as +destructive to beauty as to sentiment. + + + + +PRESENTS. + +CLXXVIII. + +LadiesaEuro(TM) gifts to gentlemen should be of the most refined nature +possible; little articles not purchased, but those deriving a priceless +value as being the offering of their gentle skill, such as a trifle from +their needle, or a picture from their pencil. But such offerings, though +invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of ceremony. + + +CLXXIX. + +In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are of no worth, except +from the manner in which they are bestowed. Strive, then, to give them +this value. + + +CLXXX. + +Never give away a present which you have received from another; or at +least, so arrange it, that it may never be known. + + +CLXXXI. + +Endeavor always to present an article which the recipient has not. This +in many cases may be difficult; but where it is possible, it should +always be done. I have known gentlemen to receive half a dozen purses, +only one of which did they use. + + + + +GENERAL OBSERVATIONS. + + +CLXXXII. + +In entering any public room with a gentleman, let him precede you and +obtain a seat. + + +CLXXXIII. + +If at anotheraEuro(TM)s house you should break anything, do not appear to notice +it. Your hostess, if a lady, would take no notice of the calamity, nor +say, as is sometimes done by ill-bred persons, aEurooeOh! it is of no +consequence.aEuro + + +CLXXXIV. + +Do not beat the aEurooedevilaEuro(TM)s tattoo,aEuro by drumming with your fingers on a +table. Never read in an audible whisper; it disturbs those near you. + + +CLXXXV. + +You should never take the arms of two gentlemen, one being upon either +side. + + +CLXXXVI. + +A lady ought not to present herself alone in a library or museum, unless +she goes there to study or work as an artist. + + +CLXXXVII. + +Perfect order, exquisite neatness and elegance, which easily dispense +with being sumptuous, ought to mark the entrance of the house, the +furniture, and the dress of the lady. + + +CLXXXVIII. + +The most obvious mark of good breeding and good taste is a sensitive +regard for the feelings of others. + + +CLXXXIX. + +Dean Swift, I think, remarks, that good breeding does not consist so +much in the observance of particular forms, as in bringing the dictates +of refined sense and taste to bear upon the ordinary occurrences of +life. + +THE END. + + + + +TranscriberaEuro(TM)s Note + +The following typographical errors were corrected. + +Page Error + 1 ALLEN, changed to ALLEN. + 47 CXXVII changed to CXXVII. + 49 CXXXVIII changed to CXXXVIII. + 53 in an evnelope changed to in an envelope + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Hand-book of Etiquette for Ladies, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE FOR *** + +***** This file should be named 33956.txt or 33956.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/9/5/33956/ + +Produced by Julia Miller and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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