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diff --git a/33918.txt b/33918.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..db5cb6b --- /dev/null +++ b/33918.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2681 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch with The Children + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Illustrator: Various + +Release Date: October 18, 2010 [EBook #33918] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + WITH THE CHILDREN + + PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + + Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + + Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, + the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of + comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," + from its beginning in 1841 to the present day. + + MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUCH ADO.--"Mamma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We's crying! Tum up +'tairs an' see what's de matter wiv us!"] + + MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration] + +AS PICTURED BY + +PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE, +JOHN LEECH, GORDON BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL, +CHARLES PEARS, LEWIS BAUMER, DAVID WILSON, TOM +BROWNE, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, C. E. BROCK, TOM +WILKINSON, HILDA COWHAM, AND OTHER HUMORISTS + +_IN 175 ILLUSTRATIONS_ + +PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH +THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + + * * * * * + +THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ + + LIFE IN LONDON + COUNTRY LIFE + IN THE HIGHLANDS + SCOTTISH HUMOUR + IRISH HUMOUR + COCKNEY HUMOUR + IN SOCIETY + AFTER DINNER STORIES + IN BOHEMIA + AT THE PLAY + MR. PUNCH AT HOME + ON THE CONTINONG + RAILWAY BOOK + AT THE SEASIDE + MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + IN THE HUNTING FIELD + MR. PUNCH ON TOUR + WITH ROD AND GUN + MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + BOOK OF SPORTS + GOLF STORIES + IN WIG AND GOWN + ON THE WARPATH + BOOK OF LOVE + WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +EDITOR'S NOTE + +[Illustration] + +In the order of our Library "Mr. Punch with the Children" comes last, +yet, so continual and sincere has been the interest of the breezy little +man in the children, we might well have placed this volume first. The +_Punch_ pictures, stories and jests that are concerned with the young +folk are almost inexhaustible. The present collection, though containing +the cream of them, comes very far indeed from reproducing them all, or +even fifty per cent. For every notable artist and writer who has been +much associated with _Punch_ since 1841 has had something to say or to +illustrate of the humours of child life. If genius be the power to be a +child again at will, we can understand this abiding interest in the +doings of the children. MR. PUNCH himself resembles Peter Pan, for he +has never grown up. The years roll by, but the jolly little hunchback +remains as young as ever. + +The variety of individuality in the children, to whom we are here +introduced, is noteworthy. In the days of Leech, downright impudence +seems to have been a characteristic of the young; to-day it would seem +children are better mannered, even if the _enfant terrible_ is still +thriving and likely to do so. There are nice children here, and naughty +ones; clever and dull children; pretty and ugly children--the +mischievous are chiefly memories of last generation! Phil May's children +are all clearly of the "gutter snipe" order, in which he delighted, full +of character and a somewhat pathetic humour; but how clean and sweet and +lovable are Du Maurier's or Mr. Lewis Baumer's! Mr. Raven-Hill seems to +be attracted somewhat in the same direction as Phil May; but all are +interesting, and their sayings and doings are eminently worthy to be +thus permanently gathered into one volume. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Boy (_looking forward to a party in the evening_). "Oh, +mummy, baby _is_ naughty! He has taken two things off the calendar, and +made it to-morrow!"] + + * * * * * + + MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration: A STUDY IN EXPRESSION] + +A SERIOUS MATTER.--_Grandfather_ (_to Miss Pansy, who is +somewhat flushed and excited_). What's the matter, my pet? + +_Miss Pansy_ (_aged eight_). Oh, grandpa, me and my kitten have been +having the most awful row. We've often quarrelled before and made it up +again, but this time we're not on speaking terms. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_dictating letter to his sister, whom he has +"squared" into writing for him_). "Dear Miss Brown, please xcuse Bobbie +for not bean at school sinse Tewsday has he as add twothake on Tewsday +and on Wednesday he broke is harm and he ad to go to a party yesterday +afternoon. If he does not come to-morrow it will be because a boy thrue +a stoan at is i.--Yours trooly, Bobbie's mother."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRESENCE OF MIND.--_Little Girl_ (_who has been disturbed +by a mouse, in a stage-whisper to her sleeping sister_). "Wake up! Oh, +wake up and mew, Amy; mew for your life!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNIMAGINATIVE + +_Auntie._ "Do you see the hair in this old brooch, Cyril? It was your +great-grandfather's." + +_Cyril._ "I say, Auntie, he didn't have much!"] + + * * * * * + +_Auntie._ Well, Effie, did you enjoy your party last night? + +_Effie._ Very much, thank you, auntie. + +_Auntie._ And I suppose mamma was there to look after you? + +_Effie._ Oh no! Mamma and I _don't belong_ to the same set! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NICE NEPHEW! + +_Tommy._ "Talking of riddles, Uncle, do you know the difference between +an apple and a elephant?" + +_Uncle_ (_benignly_). "No, my lad, I don't." + +_Tommy._ "You'd be a smart chap to send out to buy apples, wouldn't +you?"] + + * * * * * + +A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.--"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind +you don't use any rude words!" + +"Rude words! _Tell_ me a few, mummy, and then I shall _know_, you know!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A "CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR" + +_Governess._ "Now, just one more subtraction sum----" + +_Dolly._ "Oh, Miss Crawford, I don't fink mummie would let me do any +more of _those_ sums, 'cause in them you borrow _ten_ and pay back only +_one_, and that's cheating!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GREAT AMBITION + +_Little Girl_ (_watching her mother fixing hatpins through her hat_). +"When will _I_ be old enough, mummy, to have holes made in _my_ head to +keep my hat on?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REHEARSAL FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS ON BOXING-DAY.--_Master +Brown_ (_leading tragedian, who has been studying a fearful +blood-curdling old melodrama, entering suddenly)_. "Here are the +letters. Two million pounds is the price of my silence!"] + + * * * * * + +WALKING HOME FROM THE PANTOMIME.--_Little Chris_ (_who usually goes to +bed very early_). Mamma, have all the angels been to Drury Lane +to-night? + +_Mamma._ No, darling? Why? + +_Little Chris_ (_pointing to the stars_). 'Cause they've kept the lamps +up there lighted so late. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR CHRISTMAS TEA.--_Unregenerate Youth._ "Pass the seedy +caike!" _Vicar's Daughter._ "If----? If----?" _Unregenerate Youth._ "If +'e don't I'll shove 'im in the faice!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROBLEM. + +_Samuel._ "Muvver, does a hen lay an egg when it _likes_ or _must_ it?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GRAND-DAUGHTER OF EVE.--_Mamma_ (_to Molly, who has +scratched and bitten her French nurse, and who won't be sorry for her +behaviour_). "Oh, Molly, don't you know who it is puts such wicked +thoughts into your head?" _Molly._ "Ah, yes, the _scratching_! But to +_bite_ Felicie was quite my own idea!"] + + * * * * * + +ROGUES FALLING OUT.--_Mamma._ What is baby crying for, Maggie? + +_Maggie._ I don't know. + +_Mamma._ And what are _you_ looking so 'ndignant about? + +_Maggie._ That nasty, greedy dog's been and took and eaten my +'punge-take! + +_Mamma._ Why, I saw you eating a sponge-cake a minute ago! + +_Maggie._ O--that was baby's! + + * * * * * + +A SCIENTIFIC NURSERY DEFINITION.--_Little Algy Muffin._ What's the +meaning of bric-a-brac, that mamma was talking about to Colonel Crumpet? + +_Little Chris Crumpet._ Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear +we'll break them. + + * * * * * + +POETRY FOR SCHOOLBOYS.--Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the +week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those +felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line-- + +"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOGICAL.--_Little Bobby_ (_whose mamma is very +particular, and is always telling him to wash his face and hands_). +"Mummy dear! I do wish I was a little black boy." _Mamma._ "My dear +Bobby, you generally are." _Little Bobby._ "Oh, I mean _really_ black. +_Then_ you wouldn't see when I was dirty."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED + +_Cissie_ (_who has never seen an Archdeacon before_). "Dick, that old +clergyman has got gaiters on. What does it mean when a clergyman wears +gaiters?" + +_Dick_ (_who knows everything_). "Oh, it means that he belongs to the +cyclist corps!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT MAISIE KNEW" + +_Kind Aunt._ "You needn't be afraid of my little pug, Maisie. He won't +bite you." + +_Maisie._ "No, auntie. But he might kick!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Bobby._ "Do you know what daddy calls you, Mr. Tovey?" + +_Mr. Tovey._ "No Bobby. What is it?" + +_Bobby._ "He calls you Port Arthur, 'cause you take so long to +surrender!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to mother, who has just read notice_). "I +suppose, mother, it doesn't mention _which_ half of the poor thing we +are to look for?"] + + * * * * * + +JUVENILE GEOGRAPHY.--_Governess._ The earth moves round the sun ... it +takes a whole year to complete the round ... and this accounts for the +four seasons. What are the four seasons of the year, Phyllis? + +_Phyllis_ (_aged_ five). This year, next year, sometime, never. + + * * * * * + +"IT'S A WISE CHILD THAT KNOWS ITS OWN FATHER."--_Grace._ Harold, why did +pa call that Mr. Blowhard a liar? + +_Harold._ 'Cos he's smaller than pa! + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE LEARNING.--_Teacher._ And who was Joan of Arc? + +_Scholar._ Please, sir, Noah's wife. + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE STEPMOTHER.--_Uncle._ Hullo! Dot, got a new doll? + +_Little Miss Dot._ Hush, uncle, don't speak too loud. She is not one of +my own, but belonged to Millie Simpson, who was cruel to her and +'bandoned her, so I have 'dopted her; but I don't want her to know, +because I mean to make no difference between her and my own dollies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A POSER + +_Katie_ (_in consternation_). "Oh, mother, how _will_ Santa Claus do +about that poor man's stockings?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETURN INVITATION.--"Please, Mrs. Subbubs, mamma says +she'll be glad if you'll come to tea on Monday." "With pleasure, Bessie. +Tell your mother it's really too kind----" "Oh, no! mamma says she'll be +glad when it's over."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Did our hat-rack walk about and have only two pegs, +once, auntie?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STABLE TALK.--_The General._ "That's a funny sort of +horse you've got there, Cuthbert." _Cuthbert._ "Yes, gran'pa. You see +he's been 'eating his head off' all the winter!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Severe Mother._ "You naughty boy! How dare you tell such +stories? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being a little liar?" +_Injured Son._ "Well, mother, 't ain't my fault. Father gave me a awful +thrashing the other day for having spoken the truth." _Mother._ "What +_do_ you mean?" _Son._ "Why, when I told you that father had come home +quite drunk the night before!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IN STRANGE ATTIRE" + +"Nurse! Nurse! Bobby's out of bed, and running about in his _bananas_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROOF + +"You won't go in that dark room alone by yourself, Tommy." + +"Oh! won't I? You just _come with me_, and see me do it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INCONTROVERTIBLE + +"And how _old_ are you, my little man?" "I'm not old at all. I'm nearly +_new_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FORCE OF CLASSIC TEACHING.--_Master._ Now, boys, what is Hexham +famous for? + +_Binks Minor._ Making the hexameter, sir. + +[_Waits afterwards._ + + * * * * * + +PROVERBS REVISED.--"_One is better than two._" _Mother._ You are a very +naughty little girl! + +_Little Girl_ (_after some thought_). Aren't you glad I wasn't twins, +mummy? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD + +_Mild Old Gentleman rescues a bun which child has dropped in the mud._ + +_Child_ (_all aglow with righteous indignation_). "That's _my_ bun!"] + + * * * * * + +TRUE SENTIMENT.--"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie--that pretty +lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to +send her?" + +"Yes, mummie; give her my love, and say I never look at a little black +pig now without thinking of _her_!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chemist._ "Pills, eh?" (_Emphasising question_) +"Anti-bilious?" + +_Child_ (_readily_). "No, sir; uncle is!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother._ "Now, dear, why don't you run away and give +grandpa a kiss?" _Child_ (_somewhat nonplussed by grandpapa's moustache +and beard_). "I don't see any place for it, mamma!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.--_Ethel._ "Mummy dear, why did +you tell Richard you 'weren't at home' just now?" (_Pause._) "Mummy, I +mean----" _Mamma._ "When Sir Fusby Dodderidge called? Why, Ethel dear, +because he bores me." _Ethel._ "Oh!" (_After thoughtfully considering +the matter with regard to her governess_). "Then may I say I'm not at +home when Miss Krux calls to-morrow? for _she_ bores _me_ awfully?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE RINK.--_Little Girl._ "Oh, Captain Sprawler, _do_ +put on your skates, and show me the funny figures you can make." + +_Captain S._ "My dear child, I'm only a beginner. I can't make any +figures." _Little Girl._ "But Mabel said you were skating yesterday, and +cut a _ridiculous_ figure!"] + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Daisy_ (_who has been studying +Chrysanthemums_).--Maisy, do you know what's a _Double Begonia_? + +_Maisy_ (_who has been studying the Classics_).--"Double Big-onia"? Yes! +Of course, it's the plural of one big onion. + + * * * * * + +MAIDENLY ETIQUETTE.--_Little Chris_ (_aetat eight_). I've a birthday +party on Thursday, Evie. I should like you to come. + +_Little Evie_ (_aetat nine_). I should love to, dear. + +_Little Chris._ But I couldn't, you know, unless you asked me to tea +first. + + * * * * * + +IN THE LIBRARY.--_Tommy._ How beautifully those books is binded! + +_Little Dot._ No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you +should say, "are bounded." + + * * * * * + +SUPERLATIVE ASSURANCE.--_Papa_ (To Little Chris). I can't quite +understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith +Jones, whom you met? + +_Little Chris_ (_stoutly_). All I know is, it was the _third eldest_ Mr. +Jones. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_stroking kitten, a new present_). "Mother, +kitty's so hot! Ought she to sit so near the fire?" (_Kitten purrs._) +"Oh, mother, listen! She's beginning to boil!"] + + * * * * * + +A VIRTUE OF NECESSITY.--_Aunt Maria._ What a good little boy to leave +your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me. + +_Master Douglas._ Oh, mother always _makes_ us do nasty things and +things we don't like. + + * * * * * + +MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_The Fair Weather Barometer._) This is a +pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in +equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior +of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local +disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at +"very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention, +permanent fair weather. + + * * * * * + +AT THE BOARD SCHOOL.--_Inspector._ Now, can any of you children state +what is likely to be the future of China? + +_One Maiden_ (_after a pause_). Please sir, father says that China's +like him. + +_Inspector._ Like him! What do you mean? + +_The Maiden._ Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances. + +[_Class dismissed immediately._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN INNOCENT HINT + +_Auntie._ "What is Nellie's nose for?" + +_Nellie_ (_doubtfully_). "To smell with." + +_Auntie._ "And what is Nellie's mouth for?" + +_Nellie_ (_cautiously_). "To eat with." + +_Auntie._ "And what are Nellie's ears for?" + +_Nellie_ (_confidently_). "Ear-rings."] + + * * * * * + + +A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE!--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women +were beastly rude. + +_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong. +And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"? + +_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage +(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old +French beans. + + * * * * * + +SOLILOQUY.--"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They +won't buy it for me at home--too soon after Christmas. Must go in and +ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or +something; then mother'll buy it me!" + + * * * * * + +"TOO CLEVER BY HALF" + + Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school, + Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool; + Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright, + Johnnie could never do anything right. + Genius often is known to fail; + Tommy turned forger, and went to jail. + Johnnie, though slow as he well could be, + Plodded away and became M.P. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CONSERVATION OF TISSUE."--_Uncle._ "Well, Tommy, you see +I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?" + +_Miss._ "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five +tarts, and----" _Uncle._ "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" _Tommy._ +"No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "Now then, little boy. What +do you mean by bullying that little girl? Don't you know it's very +cruel?" + +_Rude Little Boy._ "Garn! wot's the trouble? _She's my Sweetheart!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Grandpapa._ "Well little lady, will you give me a lock +of that pretty hair of yours?" _Marjory._ "Yes, granpa'; +but"--(_hesitating_)--"I don't fink _one_ lock would be enough, would +it?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DADDY'S WAISTCOAT" + +(_Sketched from Life in Drury Lane._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS] + + * * * * * + +THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE.--_Mother._ Oh, Dicky, what terrible things you +do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab! + +_Dicky._ Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there! + + * * * * * + +HAPPY THOUGHT.--"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an _N_! Don't +you know the difference between a _window_ and a _widow_?" + +"Yes, sir. You can see through _one_--and--and--you can't see through +the _other_, sir!" + + * * * * * + +THE YOUNG IDEA AGAIN.--(SCENE--_Fourth-standard room of an elementary +school. Children reading._) _Inspector_ (_to the Teacher_). What are +they reading about? + +_Teacher._ American Indians. + +_Inspector._ I will ask them a few questions. (_To children._) What is a +Red Indian's wife called? (_Many hands up_). Tell me. + +_Scholar._ A squaw, sir. + +_Inspector._ What is a Red Indian's baby called? (_Silence. At last a +boy volunteers._) Well, my boy? + +_Boy._ Please, sir, a squaker! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT THIS FESTIVE SEASON + +_Mamma._ "Why, my dearest Albert, what are you crying for?--so good, +too, as you have been all day!" + +_Spoiled Little Boy._ "Boo-hoo! I've eaten so--m-much be-eef and +t-turkey, that I can't eat any p-p-plum p-p-pudding!" + +[_Oh, what a very greedy little fellow._] + + * * * * * + +A MODERN PARIS.--_Schoolmaster._ Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses +Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with +this apple? + +_Brown Minimus._ Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it? + + * * * * * + +A POINT UNSETTLED IN HISTORY.--_Lucy_ (_to her elder sister who has just +been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell_). And was +the little boy allowed to _eat_ the apple afterwards? + + * * * * * + +MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_Household ginger beer._)--Empty the kitchen +spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the +wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and +stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the +water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from +every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer. + + * * * * * + +IN DISTRESS.--Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid +dog _staring at me with his teeth_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Child_ (_in berth of night steamer_). "Mummy, I'm so +sleepy. I want to go to bed." _Mother._ "But you _are_ in bed dear." +_Child._ "No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.--(_This is the second time that +Madge has pricked her finger--the first time it bled so much that mamma +felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's +turn_). _Mamma._ "Well, what's the matter with _you_, Jack?" _Jack._ +"Oh! I feel rather _faint_, that's all. _Is there such a thing as a bun +in the house?_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Tommy_ (_criticising the menu of +the coming feast_). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind +you put plenty of rum into the _baba_--Dolly and Molly like it, you +know--and so do I!" _Monsieur Cordonbleu_ (_retained for the occasion_). +"Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to +dine viz de compagnie?" _Tommy._ "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to +sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE ZOO.--_Little Girl_ (_after seeing many queer +beasts_). "But there aren't _really_ such animals, nurse, are there?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.--_Uncle George._ "Don't over-eat +yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age." _Jimmy_ +(_sotto voce_). "When did you begin, then?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EARLY PURITAN + +_Bobby_ (_who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and +doesn't like it_). "I'll write and tell papa!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gertie._ "Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads +you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A CHRISTMAS JUVENILE PARTY.--_Aunt Florence._ "I will +find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any +choice?" _Miss Ethel._ "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a +_moustache_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CRY FROM THE HEART.--_Little Dunce_ (_looking up +suddenly from her history book_). "Oh, mummy, darling, I _do_ so wish +I'd lived under James the Second!" _Mamma._ "Why?" _Little Dunce._ +"Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his +reign!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BIG PILL.--"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum--mummy--I +dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hostess._ "What would you like to eat, Effie?" _Effie._ +"Cake." _Mother_ (_reprovingly_). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've +forgotten? Pl----" _Effie._ "Pl--um!"] + + * * * * * + +OVERHEARD AT THE ZOO.--(_A fact._)--_Small child_ (_pointing to the +hippopotamus_). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath! + +_Better-informed parent._ That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a +crocydile! + + * * * * * + +INFANT AGONIES.--_Small boy._ Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs? + +_Auntie._ No! + +_Small boy._ Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered--a beastie! + + * * * * * + +INADEQUATE HOSPITALITY.--"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?" + +"Yes, mummy; but I'm _so_ hungry. There was only a _now and then_ tea, +you know; with no chairs, and no grace!" + + * * * * * + +NATURE'S LOGIC.--_Papa._ How is it, Alice, that _you_ never get a prize +at school? + +_Mamma._ And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many? + +_Alice_ (_innocently_). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "FIAT EXPERIMENTUM," &c.--Scene--_A Christmas family +gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest_ (_violently awakened +out of his morning snooze._) "Who'sh there?" _The Grandchildren_ +(_shouting in chorus, and banging at his door_). "Oh, Mr. +Bulkley--please--Mr. Bulkley--do get up--and go on the pond--'pa +says--'cause--gran'ma says--we may--if it'll bear you--it'll bear us!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY + +_Ada._ "What horrid things _black-beetles_ are, Miss Grimm! The kitchen +is full of them!" + +_The Governess._ "I agree with you, Ada! But as they are not _beetles_, +and not _black_, perhaps you will call them _cock-roaches_ for the +future!" + +_Ada._ "Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are not _roaches_, and not +_cocks_!"] + + * * * * * + +A CONSCIENTIOUS CHILD.--"Is your cold better this morning, darling?" + +"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!" + + * * * * * + +_Tommy._ I can strike a match on _my_ trousers, like Uncle Bob. Can +_you_, auntie? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother._ "You must put your dolls away to-day. It's +Sunday." + +_Little Girl._ "Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at +Sunday school!"] + + * * * * * + +CONFUSED ASSOCIATIONS.--"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?" + +"They lived in groves of oak." + +"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?" + +"Er--let me see--Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Grandmamma._ "And how did it happen, dear?" + +_Master Tom._ "It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"] + + * * * * * + +MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_To cure a smoky chimney._) Get out on to the +roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and +eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the +chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now +sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining +to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to +have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.--Butter-slides are very +effective.)] + + * * * * * + +THE EVIDENCE OF THE SENSES.--_Mamma._ How _dare_ you slap your sister, +George? + +_George._ She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very +much, I can tell you! + +_Mamma._ Where did she hurt you? + +_George._ Well, I can't azactly say _where_, because--because my back +was turned, and I was looking another way! + + * * * * * + +PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE.--_Son and heir_ (_whose inquiring turn of mind is +occasionally a nuisance_). Say, 'pa, what's a v'cab'lary? + +_Father._ A vocabulary, my boy--what d'you want to know that for? + +_Son._ 'Cause I heard 'ma say she'd no idea what a tremenjous v'cab'lary +you'd got, till you missed the train on Saturday! + + * * * * * + +AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL--_Teacher._ Now, Mary Brown, you understand what is +meant by baptism? + +_Mary Brown._ Oh, _I_ know, teacher! It's what Dr. Franklin did on +baby's arm last Toosday! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LITTLE CHRISTMAS DREAM.--Mr. L. Figuier, in the thesis +which precedes his interesting work on the world before the flood, +condemns the practice of awakening the youthful mind to admiration by +means of fables and fairy tales, and recommends, in lieu thereof, the +study of the natural history of the world in which we live. Fired by +this advice, we have tried the experiment on our eldest, an imaginative +boy of six. We have cut off his "Cinderella" and his "Puss in Boots," +and introduced him to some of the more peaceful fauna of the preadamite +world, as they appear restored in Mr. Figuier's book. The poor boy has +not had a decent night's rest ever since!] + + * * * * * + +YOUNG, BUT PRACTICAL.--"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine +o'clock! What will _papa_ say when he comes home?" + +"Oh, papa! _He'll_ say, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'" + + * * * * * + +A REALIST IN FICTION.--"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!" + +"No, dear. It was imagination!" + +"Are 'maginations white behind?" + + * * * * * + +IMPROVING THE SHINING HOUR.--_The new Governess._ What are the +comparative and superlative of _bad_, Berty? + +_Berty_ (_the Doctor's son_). Bad--worse--dead. + + * * * * * + +A CAPITAL CHOICE.--_Cousin Amy._ So you haven't made up your mind yet +what _profession_ you're going to be when you grow up, Bobby. + +_Bobby._ Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it's called, you know, but +it's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and dogs, and all +that! + +[_Bobby's papa is a curate, with L200 a year._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EARLY INGENUITY. + +"Whatever _are_ you children doing?" + +"Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to fit them on to +the baby, 'cos he hasn't got any!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SICK CHILD + +BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS + + A weakness seizes on my mind--I would more pudding take; + But all in vain--I feel--I feel--my little head will ache. + Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am, + And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam. + I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore + That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more, + Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me, + In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea. + It may be so--I cannot tell--I yet may do without; + They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about. + I long to cut that potted beef--to taste that apple-pie; + I long--I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try. + I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much; + Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch! + Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear. + My brain swims round--I feel it all--mother, your child is queer! + + * * * * * + +_Alix_ (_aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with +loyal sentiments_). And was the Queen weally named after me? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A Toothsome Morsel.-- + +_Distracted Nurse._ "Gracious, children, what _are_ you doing?" + +_Children._ "Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the +flies off him!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that +fowl's leg for?" + +"'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Snooks_ (_who fancies himself very much_). "What's she +crying for?" + +_Arabella._ "It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she saw _you_ +she thought it was a _man_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BLASE + +_Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). "'Once upon a time there was a +frog----'" + +_Mabel_ (_interrupting_). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"] + + * * * * * + +PHYSICS.--"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you +know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?" + +"O, yes, mamma!" + +"Well, now, what causes heat without light?" + +"Pickles!" + + * * * * * + +_Mother._ Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled? + +_Dorothy_ (_after weighing the question_). Which is the most, mother? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION + +_Small Boy._ "Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop +ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells '_'all_' with a _haitch_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GETTING ON." + +"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?" + +"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I +can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want +to do it without the wall at all!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LAYING DOWN THE LAW.-- + +_Lady_ (_entertaining friend's little girl_). "Do you take sugar, +darling?" + +_The Darling._ "Yes, please." + +_Lady._ "How many lumps?" + +_The Darling._ "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with +cake."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy._ "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see +you every day while you are ill."] + + * * * * * + +"A SOFT ANSWER," &c.--_Mamma_. You are very naughty children, and I am +extremely dis-satisfied with you all! + +_Tommy._ That _is_ a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with +_you_, you know! + + * * * * * + +COMPREHENSIVE.--_Preceptor._ Now, can any of you tell me anything +remarkable in the life of Moses? + +_Boy._ Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at +once! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BARGAIN. + +"I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this +'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, _I'll go quiet_!"] + + * * * * * + +LITTLE MISS LOGIC.--_Little Dot_ (_to Eminent Professor of Chemistry_). +Are you a chemist? + +_Eminent Professor._ Yes, my dear. + +_L. D._ Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the +window? + +_E. P._ No, my dear; I don't keep a shop. + +_L. D._ Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough +Jujubes? + +_E. P._ No, my dear, I certainly do not. + +_L. D._ (_decidedly_). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more. +You can't be a respectable chemist. + +_E. P._ Why not, my dear? + +_L. D._ 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all _respectable_ chemists." + + * * * * * + +AT THE SCHOOL TREAT.--_Lady Helper_ (_to Small Boy_). Will you have some +more bread-and-butter? + +_Small Boy._ No fear, when there's kike about. + +_Lady Helper_ (_trying to be kind_). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum +or seed? + +_Small Boy._ Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A QUESTION OF HEREDITY + +_Hal._ "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?" + +_Martha._ "Oh no, it's only a little cracked." + +_Hal._ "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little +mad?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY.--"Oh, _look_, mummie! Now it's left off +raining, he's come out of his kennel!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SENSIBLE CHILD.--"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your +stocking for Santa Claus to fill?" + +"No. I hanged up muvver's!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"] + + * * * * * + +HAD HIM THERE.--_Uncle Jim._ Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I +need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "_the half is +greater than the whole_!" + +_Tommy._ Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a +whole one. + + * * * * * + +AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE.--_The Major._ You're a very nice fellow, +Tommy! Don't most people tell you so? + +_Tommy._ Yes, they does. And they often gives me something! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION + +_Kind-hearted Old Gent._ "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and +where do you live!" + +_Chorus._ "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."] + + * * * * * + +"SANCTA SIMPLICITAS."--"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have _smiled_ so +often at me in church?" + +"No, dear. Where was he sitting?" + +"Behind me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Philanthropic Old Lady_ (_to little boy caressing dog_). +"That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals." + +_Little Boy._ "Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's +I've got him quiet."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Poor likkle doggie--hasn't got any fevvers on!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Master Tom._ "Wish I could catch a cold just before +Christmas." + +_Effie._ "Why?" + +_Master Tom._ "Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I? +_Just!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "_Please_, auntie, _may_ I have the fairy off the +Christmas tree--_if I don't ask you for it_?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Shocked Mother._ "Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?" +_Tommy_ (_who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary +course at the village school_). "Fighting with Billy Brown." + +_Mother._ "That horrid boy at the farm? Don't you _ever_ quarrel with +him again!" + +_Tommy._ "I ain't likely to. He can _lick_ me!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY + +"May I _leave_ this piece of bread, nurse?" + +"Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come +when you'll _want_ a piece of bread!" + +"Then I'd better _keep_ this piece of bread till I _do_ want it, nurse. +Hadn't I?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BLUE FEVER.--_Visitor_ (_after a long discourse on the +virtues of temperance_). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the +blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good----" + +_Billie Groggins._ "Please, sir, I'm _Hoxford_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."] + + * * * * * + +A DISCUSSION ON DIET.--_Little Chris_ (_to little Kate_.) Does your +governess get ill on mince pies? + +_Little Kate._ I don't know! Why? + +_Little Chris._ 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat +any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she _must_ have been +so herself. + +[_Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in +question._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT IS IT? + +_First Boy_ (_loq._). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!--I seen it move!" + +_Second Do._ "I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!--I can see 'is +ears!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dolly._ "Auntie, that's what I've done for the +cow-drawing competition at school." + +_Auntie._ "But it is more like a horse than a cow." + +_Dolly._ "It _is_ a horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE GENTLE CRAFT" + +_Preceptor_ (_after a lecture_). "Now, what are the principal things +that are obtained from the earth?" + +_Pupil_ (_and "disciple of Izaak Walton"_). "Worms, sir!" + +[_Loses fifty marks!_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONFESSION.--_Day Governess._ "How is it your French +exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?" + +_Tommy_ (_after considering awhile_). "I don't think auntie knows +Latin." + +[_Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?" + +"Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RETALIATION + +"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten +you?" + +"No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF LENT + +"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up +something you were fond of?--_sugar_, for instance,--as I suggested?" + +"Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactly _sugar_, you know! It was +_soap_ we agreed to give up!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION + +_Ethel_ (_to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new +governess_). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!" + +_Jack._ "Bosh! who cares! This ain't a _real_ corner, you know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CANDID INQUIRER + +"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?" + +"No, sir, I think not--except water!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Eva._ "Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o' +Scots." + +_Tom._ "So am I then, Eva." + +_Eva._ "Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Is it a _board school_ you go to, my dear?" + +_Child._ "No, sir. I believe it be a _brick_ one!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Kitty._ "Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?" + +_Mr. Pup._ "Wound! What wound?" + +_Kitty._ "Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Boy._ "How many steps can you jump, grandma? I +can jump _four_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDUCTION + +"Is this the _new_ baby, daddy?"--"Yes, dear." + +"Why, he's got no teeth!"--"No, dear." + +"And he's got no hair!"--"No, dear." + +"Oh, daddy, it _must_ be an _old_ baby!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "It's an ill wind blows nobody good."] + + * * * * * + +_Horrified little girl_ (_seeing her mamma in evening dress for the +first time_). Oh, mummy, you're _never_ going down like that! You've +forgotten to put on your top part! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"] + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH HISTORY.--"And who was the king who had so many wives?" + +"Bluebeard!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HER FIRST WASP + +_Poor Effie (who has been stung)._ "First it walked about all over my +hand, and it _was_ so nice! But oh!--_when it sat down_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY NATURAL.--"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to +me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax +vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!" + +"O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUE DISTINCTION.-- + +_Mamma (improving the occasion)._ "I like your new suit immensely, +Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the +gentleman!" + +_Gerald._ "No, mamma! I know it's the _hat_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Little Montague._ "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!" + +_Father._ "Were you? And what was he like, eh?" + +_Little Montague._ "Oh, I couldn't see him--it was dark, you know. But +when he bumped himself on the washstand he said----" + +_Father (hastily)._ "There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A RARA AVIS.--_Little Girl (finishing her description of +the Battle of Cressy)._ "And ever since then the Prince of Wales has +been born with feathers!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HEAD FOR BUSINESS.-- + +_Mamma._ "I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but +in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so----" + +_Bobby._ "Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give +it me to-morrow?" + +_Mamma._ "Give you what, dear?" + +_Bobby._ "The threepenny bit you _meant_ to give me to-day!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD + +"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as +well as nurse?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEFORE THE HEAD + +_Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist)._ +"Please, sir, may I--may I--have gas?"] + + * * * * * + +ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.--"Mamma, _isn't_ it very wicked to do behind +one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?" + +"Certainly, Effie!" + +"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BY AUTHORITY."--_Street Boy (sternly)._ "P'lice-Serge'nt +says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (_more +meekly_) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from +one of his tenants)._ "And how does your mother make all these beautiful +patterns on the pats, my dear?" + +_Messenger._ "_Wiv our comb, sir!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION + +"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I +hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very +expensive!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady._ "Have you lost yourself, little boy?" + +_Little Boy._ "No--boo-hoo--I've found a street I don't know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ENFANT TERRIBLE" + +"I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor. _Please_ drink it!" + +"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?" + +"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you----!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION + +"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's +'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL OUT OF IT" + +_Uncle._ "And you love your enemies, Ethel?" + +_Ethel (promptly)._ "Yeth, uncle." + +_Uncle._ "And who are your enemies, dear?" + +_Ethel (in an awful whisper)._ "The dev----" + +[_The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the +subject._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR CHILDREN + +_Nurse._ "You dreadful children! Where _have_ you been?" + +_Young Hopeful._ "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear +little ducks, but they _will_ come to the top!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Auntie._ "Do you know you are playing with two very +naughty little boys, Johnny?" + +_Johnny._ "Yes." + +_Auntie._ "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little +boys?" + +_Johnny._ "Because their mothers won't let them!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK + +_Gwendoline._ "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession, +and I think he's quite right!" + +_Mamma._ "Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?" + +_Gwendoline._ "I mean to be a professional beauty!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET.--_Master George (whispers)._ "I say! +Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you '_a lovely spoonful of +delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice_'?" _Miss Kitty._ "Ess +Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" _Master George._ "THEN DON'T +TAKE IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVIL COMMUNICATIONS &c.--_Elder of Twins._ "It's _very_ +vulgar to say 'you be _blowed_' to each other, like those men do. Isn't +it, Uncle Fred?" + +_Uncle Fred._ "I believe it _is_ generally considered so, my dear!" + +_Elder of Twins._ "Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know, _we_ always say, +'you be _blown_!'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MENS CONSCIA.--_Inspector_ (_who notices a backwardness +in history_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer._) + +_Inspector_ (_more urgently_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer_.) + +_Inspector_ (_angrily_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" + +_Scapegrace_ (_thinking matters are beginning to look serious_). +"Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TROP DE ZELE!"--(_Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been +told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a +nap._) (_Tommy in the middle of the nap_). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I +do? _I want to cough!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TENDER CONSIDERATION + +"Oh, _don't_ make faces at him, Effie! It might _frighten_ him, you +know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BY PROXY". + +_Humorous Little Boy._ "Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but +one, four times, sir?" + +_Old Gent_ (_gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children_). +"Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (_Effusively._) "Certainly, +that I will!" + +[_In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the +third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor----Tableau!_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEWS FROM HOME.--_Aunt Mary._ "I've just had a letter +from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be +a nice companion for you some day!" + +_Geoffrey._ "Oh!----does mummy know?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UTILE CUM DULCI + +_Arry._ "Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?" + +_Piscator_ (_the Doctor's Boy_). "No, I _ain't_ a comin' along with you, +I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ZOOLOGY. (_It appears to be coming to that at the Board +Schools._)--_Examiner_ (_to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth +standard_). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in +regard to nesting?" + +_Student._ "Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself, +sir!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO + +_Tommy._ "Them ain't donkeys, Billy?" + +_Billy._ "Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys +on!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SPOILT STORY.--_Brown_ (_in the middle of tall shooting +story_). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a +rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching +on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" _Interested +Little Boy._ "Oh, and which did you shoot first--the lion, or the tiger, +or the d'lemma?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Uncle_ (_about to start for a concert at Marine +Pavilion_). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without +your shoes and stockings?" + +_Nora._ "I'm in evening dress, uncle--only it's the other end."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TERTIUM QUID.--"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I +weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you." + +"Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CLINCHER.--"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know +how to tell it." + +"No more do I." + +"O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES + +"What! _all_ that for grandpa." + +"No, darling. It's for you." + +"Oh! what a little bit!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT + +_Edith._ "Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all +round."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother._ "But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine +would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd +only break it." + +_Jacky._ "Oh, but, mother, I'd _promise_ you I'd never let him even +_touch_ it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON + +_Precocious Infant._ "Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW.--_Maud_ (_with much sympathy in +her voice_). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery +in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians, +poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were +devouring them!" + +_Ethel_ (_with still more sympathy_). "Yes, and mamma dear, there was +_one_ poor tiger that _hadn't got_ a christian!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to son, who has been growing rather free of +speech_). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give +you sixpence." + +_Tommy._ "All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth +half-a-crown!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETWEEN THE ACTS + +_Governess._ "Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?" + +_Marjorie._ "No--I haven't. I'm only _resting_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WISE CHILD.--_Inspector._ "Suppose I lent your father +L100 in June, and he promised to pay me back L10 on the first of every +month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well +before you answer." + +_Pupil._ "L100, sir." + +_Inspector._ "You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the +most elementary rules of arithmetic!" + +_Pupil._ "Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.--_Miss Fitzogre._ "Well, good-bye, +Percival, and be a good boy!" + +_Percival_ (_a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to +make personal remarks about people in their presence_). "Good-bye, I'll +not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Porter._ "Why is the little girl crying, missie?" + +_Little Girl._ "'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late +nor nuffing's come'd out!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT UNLIKELY + +"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dorothy_ (_who has found a broken nest-egg_). "Oh, +mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more +eggs. She's broken the pattern!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WASTED SYMPATHY + +_Kind-hearted Lady._ "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you +have! Is it a tooth?" + +_Poor Child_ (_with difficulty_). "No 'm--it's a sweet!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL + +"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry +your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know +it himself yet!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Softly._ "Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon +in my m-m-m-outh." + +_Kitty._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WELL UP IN HER MYTHOLOGY.--_Tommy._ "Madge, what's +'_necessitas_,' masculine or feminine?" + +_Madge._ "Why, feminine, of course." + +_Tommy._ "Why?" + +_Madge._ "Why, she was the mother of invention."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD + +_Mrs. Jinks._ "That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin +like an angel." + +_Tommy._ "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUESTION AND ANSWER + +_Mamma._ "Who was the first man, 'Lina?" + +_'Lina._ "I forget." + +_Mamma._ "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?" + +_'Lina_ (_after a thoughtful pause_). "Madam!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHEER IGNORANCE + +_Benevolent Person._ "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!" + +_Boy._ "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings +up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus'll fill 'em with presents!" + +"It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill _mine_. I 'aven't got no foots in +'em!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON HIS DIGNITY.--_Sam._ "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves +yesterday." + +_Auntie._ "Really! What are they? Kids?" + +_Sam._ "No, they're men's."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sharp_ (_but vulgar_) _little boy_. "Hallo, missus, wot +are those?" + +_Old Woman._ "Twopence." + +_Boy._ "What a lie! They're apples." + +[_Exit, whistling popular air_.] + + * * * * * + +A DIFFICULT CASE.--_Mamma._ You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I +shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. _Now_ will you +be good? + +_Tommy_ (_with hesitation_). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after, +mammy? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Do you know what a lie is, sir?" + +_Little Boy._ "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden +today." + +_Boy._ "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET + +"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET + +"And are _you_ going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?" + +"Of course, darling." + +"Then _don't_ let it be _something useful_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mamma._ "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on +Sunday. You must go into the back garden." + +_Tommy._ "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROTEST + +"And pray, am I _never_ to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW TEST + +_Aunt_ (_in alarm_). "_Surely_ you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?" + +_Tommy_ (_in doubt_). "F-f-f-feel me!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bilious Old Uncle._ "I'm delighted to see this fall; it +will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of +mischief."] + + * * * * * + +SUNDAY SCHOOLING.--_Teacher._ What does one mean by "Heaping coals of +fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins? + +_Harry Hawkins._ Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher! + + * * * * * + +_Auntie._ Do you love the chickens, dear? + +_Dolly._ Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny +laugh! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.] + + * * * * * + +CHRONOLOGY.--_Old Gentleman_ ("_putting a few questions_"). Now, +boys--ah--can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he +took the forbidden fruit? + +_Small Scholar_ ("_like a shot_"). Please, sir, th'worn't no +commandments then, sir! + +[_Questioner sits corrected._] + + * * * * * + +AT A CHILDREN'S PARTY + +DURING TEA + +Yes, _isn't_ it a pretty sight.... Oh, they're _much_ too busy to talk +at present.... Well, if you _would_ take this cup of tea to my little +girl, dear Mr. Muffett, it would be so----Yes, in the white frock.... +_Pray_ don't apologise--some tea upsets _so_ easily, doesn't it?... Oh! +I don't suppose it will show, really, and if it _does_.... Please, will +everybody keep quite quiet for a minute or two; I haven't said my +grace.... Don't you think it's unfair of nurse? She's handed me +bread-and-butter twice running!... I mustn't eat sponge-cake, thank you. +Bath buns are better for me than anything.... I was _so_ ill after +Christmas. They took my temperament with the barometer, and it was two +hundred and six!... Oh! that's nothing. When _I_ was ill, the doctor +said mine was perfectly Norman!... Well, you _might_ lower that +candleshade a _very_ little, perhaps, Mr. Muffett.... Ah! don't blow +it out.... Throw it into the fire, quick!... It doesn't matter in the +_least_. No; I wouldn't trouble about the _other_ shades, thanks.... +Mother, will you read me the text out of my cracker?... But if you're +going to be a soldier, you oughtn't to shut your eyes when you pull a +cracker.... Oh! when I'm a soldier, I needn't _go_ to parties. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WELL BROUGHT UP.--"Now then, my little men, didn't you +see that board on that tree?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, then, can't you read?" + +"Yes, but we never look at anything marked 'private.'"] + + * * * * * + +DURING A PERFORMANCE OF PUNCH AND JUDY + +_A Thoughtful Child._ What a dreadful thing it would be to have a papa +like Punch! + +_A Puzzled Child._ Mother, why is the man at the side so _polite_ to +Punch? He calls him "Sir"--is Punch _really_ a gentleman? + +_A Good Little Girl._ I do wish they would leave all the fighting out; +it must set such a bad example to children. + +_An Appreciative Boy._ Oh! I say, _did_ you hear what the clown said +then? He said something had frightened all the hair off his head except +that little tuft at the top, and it turned _that_ sky-blue! + +[_He goes into fits of laughter._ + +_A Matter-of-fact Boy._ Yes, I heard--but I don't believe it _could_. + +_The Child of the House._ I _am_ so glad Tip is shut up downstairs, +because I'm afraid, if he'd been up here and seen Toby act, he'd have +wanted to run away and go on the stage himself, and I don't think he's +the sort of dog who would ever be a _success_, you know! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE JOYS OF ANTICIPATION.--"When are you coming out with +me, mummy?" + +"Not this morning, darling. I've too much to do!" + +"Oh, but you _must_, mummy. I've already put it in my new diary that you +_did_!"] + + * * * * * + +DURING THE DANCING + +_Jack._ I say, Mabel, you've got to dance the "Washington Post" with +_me_. + +_Mabel._ I can't. I've promised Teddy Thistledown. + +_Jack._ Oh! _that's_ all right. I swapped with him for a Nicaragua +stamp. + +_Mabel_ (_touched_). But aren't they rare? Didn't you want it yourself? + +_Jack._ Oh! I don't collect, you know. + +_George_ (_to Ethel_). They've given us the whole of "Ivanhoe" to mug up +for a holiday task. Isn't it a beastly shame? + +_Ethel._ But don't you like Scott? + +_George._ Oh! I don't mind _Scott_ so much. It's having to grind in +the holidays that _I_ bar. + +_Hester_ (_to Roland_). Shall you go to the pantomime this year? + +_Roland._ I don't think so. I'm going to lectures at the Royal +Institution instead. + +_Hester._ That isn't as jolly as the pantomime, is it? + +_Roland_ (_impartially_). Not while it's going on, but a lot jollier +after it's over. + +_Mr. Poffley_ (_a middle-aged bachelor, who "likes to make himself +useful at parties," and is good-naturedly waltzing with little Miss +Chillington_). Have you--er--been to many parties? + +_Miss Chillington_ (_a child of the world_). About the usual amount. +There's generally a good deal going on just now, isn't there? + +_Mr. Poffley._ A--I suppose so. I go out so little now that I've almost +forgotten _how_ to dance. + +_Miss Chillington._ Then you _did_ know once! + +_Mr. Poffley_ (_completely demoralised_). I--er--you would rather stop? + +_Miss Chillington._ Oh! I don't mind going on, if it amuses you. + +[_Mr. Poffley feels that "children are not so grateful as they used +to be for being noticed," and that it is almost time he gave up +going to juvenile parties._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RES ANT-IQUAE.--"Auntie dear, where do these fossil shells +come from?" + +"Oh, my dear child, a great many years ago they were washed up here by +the sea." + +"How long ago, auntie dear?" + +"Ever so long ago, dear child." + +"What! Even before _you_ were born, auntie?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXTREME MEASURES + +_Mother._ "If I catch you chasing those hens again, I'll wash your face +_every day next week_!"] + + * * * * * + +AFTER SUPPER + +_The Hostess_ (_returning to the drawing-room to find the centre of the +floor occupied by a struggling heap of small boys, surrounded by +admiring but mystified sisters_). Oh! dear me, what _are_ they doing? +I'm so afraid my two boys are being too rough, Mrs. Hornblower. + +_Mrs. Hornblower_ (_one of a row of complacent matrons_). Oh! not at +all, dear Mrs. Honeybun, they're having _such_ fun. Your Edwin and +Arthur are only trying how many boys they can pile on the top of my +Tommy. + +_Mrs. Honeybun._ Is that Tommy underneath? Are you sure he's not getting +hurt? + +_Mrs. Horn._ Oh! he thoroughly enjoys a romp. He's made himself +perfectly hoarse with laughing. Just listen to him! + +_Mrs. Honey._ What a sturdy little fellow he is! And always in such high +spirits! + +_Mrs. Horn_ (_confidentially_). He hasn't seemed quite the thing for the +last day or two, and I was doubting whether it wouldn't be better to +keep him at home to-night, but he begged so hard that I really had to +give way. + +_Mrs. Honey._ So glad you did! It doesn't seem to have done him any +harm. + +_Mrs. Horn._ Quite the contrary. And indeed, he couldn't help being the +better for it; you understand so thoroughly how to make children happy, +dear Mrs. Honeybun. + +_Mrs. Honey._ It's delightful of you to say so; I try my best, but one +can't always----Last year we had a conjurer, and it was only when he'd +begun that we found out he was helplessly intoxicated. + +_Mrs. Horn._ How disagreeable for you! But this time everything has been +quite perfect! + +_Mrs. Honey._ Well, I really think there has been no----Good gracious! +I'm _sure_ somebody is being suffocated! _Did_ you hear that? + +[_From the core of the heap proceeds a sound at which every mother's +heart quakes--a smothered cough ending in a long-drawn and ominous +"oo-ook."_ + +_Mrs. Horn._ Depend upon it, that's whooping-cough! Tommy, come here +this minute. (_Tommy emerges, crimson and crowing lustily; the mothers +collect their offspring in dismay_). Oh! Tommy, Tommy, don't tell me +it's _you_! It--it can't be _that_, dear Mrs. Honeybun; he's been +nowhere where he could possibly----You naughty boy, you _know_ you are +only pretending. Don't let me hear that horrid noise again. + +_Tommy_ (_injured_). But, mummy, _really_ I wasn't---- + +[_He justifies himself by producing a series of whoops with an +unmistakably genuine ring_. + +_Mrs. Horn._ I think it's only a rather severe attack of hiccoughs, dear +Mrs. Honeybun; but still, perhaps--just to be on the safe side--I'd +better---- + +[_She departs in confusion, the crowd on the stairs dividing like +Red Sea waves as Tommy proclaims his approach._ + +_Mrs. Honey_ (_after the last guest has gone_). I knew _something_ would +happen! I must say it was _most_ inconsiderate of Mrs. Hornblower to +bring that wretched little Tommy out and break up the party like +this--it's not as if we were really _intimate_! Still, it was ridiculous +of everybody else to hurry off too, as if whooping-cough was anything to +be so mortally afraid of! I wasn't in the _least_ myself, as they might +have seen. But perhaps it _is_ just as well that Edwin and Arthur had it +last winter. + + * * * * * + +READY ANSWER.--_Uncle._ Now, how did the mother of Moses hide him? + +_Niece._ With a stick, uncle. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON THE FACE OF IT + +_Pretty Teacher._ "Now, Johnny Wells, can you tell me what is meant by a +miracle?" + +_Johnny._ "Yes, teacher. Mother says if you dun't marry new parson, +'twull be a murracle!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DUET + +_Fond Mother_ (_to young hopeful, who has been sent upstairs to a room +by himself as a punishment_). "You can come down now, Jacky." + +_Young Hopeful._ "Can't. I'se singing a duet!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNCLE'S BANK HOLIDAY + +"Oh, uncle, we're so glad we've met you. We want you to take us on the +roundabout, and stay on it till tea-time!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Young Masher_ (_to rival_). "I say, old, chap, I hear +you're an excellent runner. Is that true?" + +_Rival_ (_eagerly_). "Rather!" + +_Young Masher._ "Well, then, run home!"] + + * * * * * + +_Aunt._ Why, Tommy, I've only just taken a splinter out of your hand, +and now you've let pussy scratch you. How did that happen? + +_Tommy_ (_who has been tampering with the cat's whiskers_). Well, I was +only trying to get some of the splinters out of her face! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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