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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch with The Children
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: October 18, 2010 [EBook #33918]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+    Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself,
+    the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of
+    comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
+    from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUCH ADO.--"Mamma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We's crying! Tum up
+'tairs an' see what's de matter wiv us!"]
+
+  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AS PICTURED BY
+
+PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE,
+JOHN LEECH, GORDON BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL,
+CHARLES PEARS, LEWIS BAUMER, DAVID WILSON, TOM
+BROWNE, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, C. E. BROCK, TOM
+WILKINSON, HILDA COWHAM, AND OTHER HUMORISTS
+
+_IN 175 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
+THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDITOR'S NOTE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In the order of our Library "Mr. Punch with the Children" comes last,
+yet, so continual and sincere has been the interest of the breezy little
+man in the children, we might well have placed this volume first. The
+_Punch_ pictures, stories and jests that are concerned with the young
+folk are almost inexhaustible. The present collection, though containing
+the cream of them, comes very far indeed from reproducing them all, or
+even fifty per cent. For every notable artist and writer who has been
+much associated with _Punch_ since 1841 has had something to say or to
+illustrate of the humours of child life. If genius be the power to be a
+child again at will, we can understand this abiding interest in the
+doings of the children. MR. PUNCH himself resembles Peter Pan, for he
+has never grown up. The years roll by, but the jolly little hunchback
+remains as young as ever.
+
+The variety of individuality in the children, to whom we are here
+introduced, is noteworthy. In the days of Leech, downright impudence
+seems to have been a characteristic of the young; to-day it would seem
+children are better mannered, even if the _enfant terrible_ is still
+thriving and likely to do so. There are nice children here, and naughty
+ones; clever and dull children; pretty and ugly children--the
+mischievous are chiefly memories of last generation! Phil May's children
+are all clearly of the "gutter snipe" order, in which he delighted, full
+of character and a somewhat pathetic humour; but how clean and sweet and
+lovable are Du Maurier's or Mr. Lewis Baumer's! Mr. Raven-Hill seems to
+be attracted somewhat in the same direction as Phil May; but all are
+interesting, and their sayings and doings are eminently worthy to be
+thus permanently gathered into one volume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Boy (_looking forward to a party in the evening_). "Oh,
+mummy, baby _is_ naughty! He has taken two things off the calendar, and
+made it to-morrow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration: A STUDY IN EXPRESSION]
+
+A SERIOUS MATTER.--_Grandfather_ (_to Miss Pansy, who is
+somewhat flushed and excited_). What's the matter, my pet?
+
+_Miss Pansy_ (_aged eight_). Oh, grandpa, me and my kitten have been
+having the most awful row. We've often quarrelled before and made it up
+again, but this time we're not on speaking terms.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_dictating letter to his sister, whom he has
+"squared" into writing for him_). "Dear Miss Brown, please xcuse Bobbie
+for not bean at school sinse Tewsday has he as add twothake on Tewsday
+and on Wednesday he broke is harm and he ad to go to a party yesterday
+afternoon. If he does not come to-morrow it will be because a boy thrue
+a stoan at is i.--Yours trooly, Bobbie's mother."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRESENCE OF MIND.--_Little Girl_ (_who has been disturbed
+by a mouse, in a stage-whisper to her sleeping sister_). "Wake up! Oh,
+wake up and mew, Amy; mew for your life!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNIMAGINATIVE
+
+_Auntie._ "Do you see the hair in this old brooch, Cyril? It was your
+great-grandfather's."
+
+_Cyril._ "I say, Auntie, he didn't have much!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Auntie._ Well, Effie, did you enjoy your party last night?
+
+_Effie._ Very much, thank you, auntie.
+
+_Auntie._ And I suppose mamma was there to look after you?
+
+_Effie._ Oh no! Mamma and I _don't belong_ to the same set!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NICE NEPHEW!
+
+_Tommy._ "Talking of riddles, Uncle, do you know the difference between
+an apple and a elephant?"
+
+_Uncle_ (_benignly_). "No, my lad, I don't."
+
+_Tommy._ "You'd be a smart chap to send out to buy apples, wouldn't
+you?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.--"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind
+you don't use any rude words!"
+
+"Rude words! _Tell_ me a few, mummy, and then I shall _know_, you know!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A "CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR"
+
+_Governess._ "Now, just one more subtraction sum----"
+
+_Dolly._ "Oh, Miss Crawford, I don't fink mummie would let me do any
+more of _those_ sums, 'cause in them you borrow _ten_ and pay back only
+_one_, and that's cheating!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A GREAT AMBITION
+
+_Little Girl_ (_watching her mother fixing hatpins through her hat_).
+"When will _I_ be old enough, mummy, to have holes made in _my_ head to
+keep my hat on?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REHEARSAL FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS ON BOXING-DAY.--_Master
+Brown_ (_leading tragedian, who has been studying a fearful
+blood-curdling old melodrama, entering suddenly)_. "Here are the
+letters. Two million pounds is the price of my silence!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALKING HOME FROM THE PANTOMIME.--_Little Chris_ (_who usually goes to
+bed very early_). Mamma, have all the angels been to Drury Lane
+to-night?
+
+_Mamma._ No, darling? Why?
+
+_Little Chris_ (_pointing to the stars_). 'Cause they've kept the lamps
+up there lighted so late.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CHRISTMAS TEA.--_Unregenerate Youth._ "Pass the seedy
+caike!" _Vicar's Daughter._ "If----? If----?" _Unregenerate Youth._ "If
+'e don't I'll shove 'im in the faice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROBLEM.
+
+_Samuel._ "Muvver, does a hen lay an egg when it _likes_ or _must_ it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A GRAND-DAUGHTER OF EVE.--_Mamma_ (_to Molly, who has
+scratched and bitten her French nurse, and who won't be sorry for her
+behaviour_). "Oh, Molly, don't you know who it is puts such wicked
+thoughts into your head?" _Molly._ "Ah, yes, the _scratching_! But to
+_bite_ Félicie was quite my own idea!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROGUES FALLING OUT.--_Mamma._ What is baby crying for, Maggie?
+
+_Maggie._ I don't know.
+
+_Mamma._ And what are _you_ looking so 'ndignant about?
+
+_Maggie._ That nasty, greedy dog's been and took and eaten my
+'punge-take!
+
+_Mamma._ Why, I saw you eating a sponge-cake a minute ago!
+
+_Maggie._ O--that was baby's!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCIENTIFIC NURSERY DEFINITION.--_Little Algy Muffin._ What's the
+meaning of bric-à-brac, that mamma was talking about to Colonel Crumpet?
+
+_Little Chris Crumpet._ Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear
+we'll break them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETRY FOR SCHOOLBOYS.--Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the
+week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those
+felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line--
+
+"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOGICAL.--_Little Bobby_ (_whose mamma is very
+particular, and is always telling him to wash his face and hands_).
+"Mummy dear! I do wish I was a little black boy." _Mamma._ "My dear
+Bobby, you generally are." _Little Bobby._ "Oh, I mean _really_ black.
+_Then_ you wouldn't see when I was dirty."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED
+
+_Cissie_ (_who has never seen an Archdeacon before_). "Dick, that old
+clergyman has got gaiters on. What does it mean when a clergyman wears
+gaiters?"
+
+_Dick_ (_who knows everything_). "Oh, it means that he belongs to the
+cyclist corps!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT MAISIE KNEW"
+
+_Kind Aunt._ "You needn't be afraid of my little pug, Maisie. He won't
+bite you."
+
+_Maisie._ "No, auntie. But he might kick!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Bobby._ "Do you know what daddy calls you, Mr. Tovey?"
+
+_Mr. Tovey._ "No Bobby. What is it?"
+
+_Bobby._ "He calls you Port Arthur, 'cause you take so long to
+surrender!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to mother, who has just read notice_). "I
+suppose, mother, it doesn't mention _which_ half of the poor thing we
+are to look for?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUVENILE GEOGRAPHY.--_Governess._ The earth moves round the sun ... it
+takes a whole year to complete the round ... and this accounts for the
+four seasons. What are the four seasons of the year, Phyllis?
+
+_Phyllis_ (_aged_ five). This year, next year, sometime, never.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"IT'S A WISE CHILD THAT KNOWS ITS OWN FATHER."--_Grace._ Harold, why did
+pa call that Mr. Blowhard a liar?
+
+_Harold._ 'Cos he's smaller than pa!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE LEARNING.--_Teacher._ And who was Joan of Arc?
+
+_Scholar._ Please, sir, Noah's wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE STEPMOTHER.--_Uncle._ Hullo! Dot, got a new doll?
+
+_Little Miss Dot._ Hush, uncle, don't speak too loud. She is not one of
+my own, but belonged to Millie Simpson, who was cruel to her and
+'bandoned her, so I have 'dopted her; but I don't want her to know,
+because I mean to make no difference between her and my own dollies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A POSER
+
+_Katie_ (_in consternation_). "Oh, mother, how _will_ Santa Claus do
+about that poor man's stockings?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETURN INVITATION.--"Please, Mrs. Subbubs, mamma says
+she'll be glad if you'll come to tea on Monday." "With pleasure, Bessie.
+Tell your mother it's really too kind----" "Oh, no! mamma says she'll be
+glad when it's over."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Did our hat-rack walk about and have only two pegs,
+once, auntie?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STABLE TALK.--_The General._ "That's a funny sort of
+horse you've got there, Cuthbert." _Cuthbert._ "Yes, gran'pa. You see
+he's been 'eating his head off' all the winter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Severe Mother._ "You naughty boy! How dare you tell such
+stories? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being a little liar?"
+_Injured Son._ "Well, mother, 't ain't my fault. Father gave me a awful
+thrashing the other day for having spoken the truth." _Mother._ "What
+_do_ you mean?" _Son._ "Why, when I told you that father had come home
+quite drunk the night before!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IN STRANGE ATTIRE"
+
+"Nurse! Nurse! Bobby's out of bed, and running about in his _bananas_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROOF
+
+"You won't go in that dark room alone by yourself, Tommy."
+
+"Oh! won't I? You just _come with me_, and see me do it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INCONTROVERTIBLE
+
+"And how _old_ are you, my little man?" "I'm not old at all. I'm nearly
+_new_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FORCE OF CLASSIC TEACHING.--_Master._ Now, boys, what is Hexham
+famous for?
+
+_Binks Minor._ Making the hexameter, sir.
+
+[_Waits afterwards._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERBS REVISED.--"_One is better than two._" _Mother._ You are a very
+naughty little girl!
+
+_Little Girl_ (_after some thought_). Aren't you glad I wasn't twins,
+mummy?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD
+
+_Mild Old Gentleman rescues a bun which child has dropped in the mud._
+
+_Child_ (_all aglow with righteous indignation_). "That's _my_ bun!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUE SENTIMENT.--"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie--that pretty
+lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to
+send her?"
+
+"Yes, mummie; give her my love, and say I never look at a little black
+pig now without thinking of _her_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Chemist._ "Pills, eh?" (_Emphasising question_)
+"Anti-bilious?"
+
+_Child_ (_readily_). "No, sir; uncle is!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "Now, dear, why don't you run away and give
+grandpa a kiss?" _Child_ (_somewhat nonplussed by grandpapa's moustache
+and beard_). "I don't see any place for it, mamma!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.--_Ethel._ "Mummy dear, why did
+you tell Richard you 'weren't at home' just now?" (_Pause._) "Mummy, I
+mean----" _Mamma._ "When Sir Fusby Dodderidge called? Why, Ethel dear,
+because he bores me." _Ethel._ "Oh!" (_After thoughtfully considering
+the matter with regard to her governess_). "Then may I say I'm not at
+home when Miss Krux calls to-morrow? for _she_ bores _me_ awfully?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE RINK.--_Little Girl._ "Oh, Captain Sprawler, _do_
+put on your skates, and show me the funny figures you can make."
+
+_Captain S._ "My dear child, I'm only a beginner. I can't make any
+figures." _Little Girl._ "But Mabel said you were skating yesterday, and
+cut a _ridiculous_ figure!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Daisy_ (_who has been studying
+Chrysanthemums_).--Maisy, do you know what's a _Double Begonia_?
+
+_Maisy_ (_who has been studying the Classics_).--"Double Big-onia"? Yes!
+Of course, it's the plural of one big onion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAIDENLY ETIQUETTE.--_Little Chris_ (_ætat eight_). I've a birthday
+party on Thursday, Evie. I should like you to come.
+
+_Little Evie_ (_ætat nine_). I should love to, dear.
+
+_Little Chris._ But I couldn't, you know, unless you asked me to tea
+first.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE LIBRARY.--_Tommy._ How beautifully those books is binded!
+
+_Little Dot._ No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you
+should say, "are bounded."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUPERLATIVE ASSURANCE.--_Papa_ (To Little Chris). I can't quite
+understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith
+Jones, whom you met?
+
+_Little Chris_ (_stoutly_). All I know is, it was the _third eldest_ Mr.
+Jones.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_stroking kitten, a new present_). "Mother,
+kitty's so hot! Ought she to sit so near the fire?" (_Kitten purrs._)
+"Oh, mother, listen! She's beginning to boil!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VIRTUE OF NECESSITY.--_Aunt Maria._ What a good little boy to leave
+your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.
+
+_Master Douglas._ Oh, mother always _makes_ us do nasty things and
+things we don't like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_The Fair Weather Barometer._) This is a
+pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in
+equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior
+of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local
+disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at
+"very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention,
+permanent fair weather.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BOARD SCHOOL.--_Inspector._ Now, can any of you children state
+what is likely to be the future of China?
+
+_One Maiden_ (_after a pause_). Please sir, father says that China's
+like him.
+
+_Inspector._ Like him! What do you mean?
+
+_The Maiden._ Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances.
+
+[_Class dismissed immediately._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INNOCENT HINT
+
+_Auntie._ "What is Nellie's nose for?"
+
+_Nellie_ (_doubtfully_). "To smell with."
+
+_Auntie._ "And what is Nellie's mouth for?"
+
+_Nellie_ (_cautiously_). "To eat with."
+
+_Auntie._ "And what are Nellie's ears for?"
+
+_Nellie_ (_confidently_). "Ear-rings."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE!--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women
+were beastly rude.
+
+_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
+And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
+
+_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage
+(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old
+French beans.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLILOQUY.--"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They
+won't buy it for me at home--too soon after Christmas. Must go in and
+ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or
+something; then mother'll buy it me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"
+
+  Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school,
+  Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool;
+  Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright,
+  Johnnie could never do anything right.
+  Genius often is known to fail;
+  Tommy turned forger, and went to jail.
+  Johnnie, though slow as he well could be,
+  Plodded away and became M.P.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CONSERVATION OF TISSUE."--_Uncle._ "Well, Tommy, you see
+I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?"
+
+_Miss._ "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five
+tarts, and----" _Uncle._ "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" _Tommy._
+"No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "Now then, little boy. What
+do you mean by bullying that little girl? Don't you know it's very
+cruel?"
+
+_Rude Little Boy._ "Garn! wot's the trouble? _She's my Sweetheart!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grandpapa._ "Well little lady, will you give me a lock
+of that pretty hair of yours?" _Marjory._ "Yes, granpa';
+but"--(_hesitating_)--"I don't fink _one_ lock would be enough, would
+it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DADDY'S WAISTCOAT"
+
+(_Sketched from Life in Drury Lane._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE.--_Mother._ Oh, Dicky, what terrible things you
+do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab!
+
+_Dicky._ Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAPPY THOUGHT.--"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an _N_! Don't
+you know the difference between a _window_ and a _widow_?"
+
+"Yes, sir. You can see through _one_--and--and--you can't see through
+the _other_, sir!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YOUNG IDEA AGAIN.--(SCENE--_Fourth-standard room of an elementary
+school. Children reading._) _Inspector_ (_to the Teacher_). What are
+they reading about?
+
+_Teacher._ American Indians.
+
+_Inspector._ I will ask them a few questions. (_To children._) What is a
+Red Indian's wife called? (_Many hands up_). Tell me.
+
+_Scholar._ A squaw, sir.
+
+_Inspector._ What is a Red Indian's baby called? (_Silence. At last a
+boy volunteers._) Well, my boy?
+
+_Boy._ Please, sir, a squaker!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT THIS FESTIVE SEASON
+
+_Mamma._ "Why, my dearest Albert, what are you crying for?--so good,
+too, as you have been all day!"
+
+_Spoiled Little Boy._ "Boo-hoo! I've eaten so--m-much be-eef and
+t-turkey, that I can't eat any p-p-plum p-p-pudding!"
+
+[_Oh, what a very greedy little fellow._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MODERN PARIS.--_Schoolmaster._ Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses
+Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with
+this apple?
+
+_Brown Minimus._ Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POINT UNSETTLED IN HISTORY.--_Lucy_ (_to her elder sister who has just
+been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell_). And was
+the little boy allowed to _eat_ the apple afterwards?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_Household ginger beer._)--Empty the kitchen
+spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the
+wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and
+stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the
+water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from
+every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN DISTRESS.--Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid
+dog _staring at me with his teeth_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Child_ (_in berth of night steamer_). "Mummy, I'm so
+sleepy. I want to go to bed." _Mother._ "But you _are_ in bed dear."
+_Child._ "No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.--(_This is the second time that
+Madge has pricked her finger--the first time it bled so much that mamma
+felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's
+turn_). _Mamma._ "Well, what's the matter with _you_, Jack?" _Jack._
+"Oh! I feel rather _faint_, that's all. _Is there such a thing as a bun
+in the house?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Tommy_ (_criticising the menu of
+the coming feast_). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind
+you put plenty of rum into the _baba_--Dolly and Molly like it, you
+know--and so do I!" _Monsieur Cordonbleu_ (_retained for the occasion_).
+"Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to
+dine viz de compagnie?" _Tommy._ "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to
+sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE ZOO.--_Little Girl_ (_after seeing many queer
+beasts_). "But there aren't _really_ such animals, nurse, are there?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.--_Uncle George._ "Don't over-eat
+yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age." _Jimmy_
+(_sotto voce_). "When did you begin, then?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EARLY PURITAN
+
+_Bobby_ (_who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and
+doesn't like it_). "I'll write and tell papa!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gertie._ "Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads
+you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A CHRISTMAS JUVENILE PARTY.--_Aunt Florence._ "I will
+find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any
+choice?" _Miss Ethel._ "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a
+_moustache_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CRY FROM THE HEART.--_Little Dunce_ (_looking up
+suddenly from her history book_). "Oh, mummy, darling, I _do_ so wish
+I'd lived under James the Second!" _Mamma._ "Why?" _Little Dunce._
+"Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his
+reign!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BIG PILL.--"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum--mummy--I
+dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess._ "What would you like to eat, Effie?" _Effie._
+"Cake." _Mother_ (_reprovingly_). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've
+forgotten? Pl----" _Effie._ "Pl--um!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT THE ZOO.--(_A fact._)--_Small child_ (_pointing to the
+hippopotamus_). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!
+
+_Better-informed parent._ That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a
+crocydile!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFANT AGONIES.--_Small boy._ Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?
+
+_Auntie._ No!
+
+_Small boy._ Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered--a beastie!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INADEQUATE HOSPITALITY.--"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?"
+
+"Yes, mummy; but I'm _so_ hungry. There was only a _now and then_ tea,
+you know; with no chairs, and no grace!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATURE'S LOGIC.--_Papa._ How is it, Alice, that _you_ never get a prize
+at school?
+
+_Mamma._ And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many?
+
+_Alice_ (_innocently_). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "FIAT EXPERIMENTUM," &c.--Scene--_A Christmas family
+gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest_ (_violently awakened
+out of his morning snooze._) "Who'sh there?" _The Grandchildren_
+(_shouting in chorus, and banging at his door_). "Oh, Mr.
+Bulkley--please--Mr. Bulkley--do get up--and go on the pond--'pa
+says--'cause--gran'ma says--we may--if it'll bear you--it'll bear us!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY
+
+_Ada._ "What horrid things _black-beetles_ are, Miss Grimm! The kitchen
+is full of them!"
+
+_The Governess._ "I agree with you, Ada! But as they are not _beetles_,
+and not _black_, perhaps you will call them _cock-roaches_ for the
+future!"
+
+_Ada._ "Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are not _roaches_, and not
+_cocks_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSCIENTIOUS CHILD.--"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"
+
+"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Tommy._ I can strike a match on _my_ trousers, like Uncle Bob. Can
+_you_, auntie?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "You must put your dolls away to-day. It's
+Sunday."
+
+_Little Girl._ "Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at
+Sunday school!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFUSED ASSOCIATIONS.--"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"
+
+"They lived in groves of oak."
+
+"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"
+
+"Er--let me see--Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grandmamma._ "And how did it happen, dear?"
+
+_Master Tom._ "It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_To cure a smoky chimney._) Get out on to the
+roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and
+eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the
+chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now
+sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining
+to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to
+have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.--Butter-slides are very
+effective.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EVIDENCE OF THE SENSES.--_Mamma._ How _dare_ you slap your sister,
+George?
+
+_George._ She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very
+much, I can tell you!
+
+_Mamma._ Where did she hurt you?
+
+_George._ Well, I can't azactly say _where_, because--because my back
+was turned, and I was looking another way!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE.--_Son and heir_ (_whose inquiring turn of mind is
+occasionally a nuisance_). Say, 'pa, what's a v'cab'lary?
+
+_Father._ A vocabulary, my boy--what d'you want to know that for?
+
+_Son._ 'Cause I heard 'ma say she'd no idea what a tremenjous v'cab'lary
+you'd got, till you missed the train on Saturday!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL--_Teacher._ Now, Mary Brown, you understand what is
+meant by baptism?
+
+_Mary Brown._ Oh, _I_ know, teacher! It's what Dr. Franklin did on
+baby's arm last Toosday!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LITTLE CHRISTMAS DREAM.--Mr. L. Figuier, in the thesis
+which precedes his interesting work on the world before the flood,
+condemns the practice of awakening the youthful mind to admiration by
+means of fables and fairy tales, and recommends, in lieu thereof, the
+study of the natural history of the world in which we live. Fired by
+this advice, we have tried the experiment on our eldest, an imaginative
+boy of six. We have cut off his "Cinderella" and his "Puss in Boots,"
+and introduced him to some of the more peaceful fauna of the preadamite
+world, as they appear restored in Mr. Figuier's book. The poor boy has
+not had a decent night's rest ever since!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YOUNG, BUT PRACTICAL.--"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine
+o'clock! What will _papa_ say when he comes home?"
+
+"Oh, papa! _He'll_ say, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REALIST IN FICTION.--"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!"
+
+"No, dear. It was imagination!"
+
+"Are 'maginations white behind?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPROVING THE SHINING HOUR.--_The new Governess._ What are the
+comparative and superlative of _bad_, Berty?
+
+_Berty_ (_the Doctor's son_). Bad--worse--dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CAPITAL CHOICE.--_Cousin Amy._ So you haven't made up your mind yet
+what _profession_ you're going to be when you grow up, Bobby.
+
+_Bobby._ Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it's called, you know, but
+it's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and dogs, and all
+that!
+
+[_Bobby's papa is a curate, with £200 a year._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EARLY INGENUITY.
+
+"Whatever _are_ you children doing?"
+
+"Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to fit them on to
+the baby, 'cos he hasn't got any!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SICK CHILD
+
+BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS
+
+  A weakness seizes on my mind--I would more pudding take;
+  But all in vain--I feel--I feel--my little head will ache.
+  Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,
+  And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.
+  I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore
+  That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,
+  Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,
+  In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.
+  It may be so--I cannot tell--I yet may do without;
+  They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.
+  I long to cut that potted beef--to taste that apple-pie;
+  I long--I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.
+  I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;
+  Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!
+  Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.
+  My brain swims round--I feel it all--mother, your child is queer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Alix_ (_aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with
+loyal sentiments_). And was the Queen weally named after me?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A Toothsome Morsel.--
+
+_Distracted Nurse._ "Gracious, children, what _are_ you doing?"
+
+_Children._ "Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the
+flies off him!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that
+fowl's leg for?"
+
+"'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Snooks_ (_who fancies himself very much_). "What's she
+crying for?"
+
+_Arabella._ "It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she saw _you_
+she thought it was a _man_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BLASÉ
+
+_Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). "'Once upon a time there was a
+frog----'"
+
+_Mabel_ (_interrupting_). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHYSICS.--"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you
+know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"
+
+"O, yes, mamma!"
+
+"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"
+
+"Pickles!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Mother._ Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled?
+
+_Dorothy_ (_after weighing the question_). Which is the most, mother?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION
+
+_Small Boy._ "Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop
+ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells '_'all_' with a _haitch_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GETTING ON."
+
+"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?"
+
+"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I
+can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want
+to do it without the wall at all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LAYING DOWN THE LAW.--
+
+_Lady_ (_entertaining friend's little girl_). "Do you take sugar,
+darling?"
+
+_The Darling._ "Yes, please."
+
+_Lady._ "How many lumps?"
+
+_The Darling._ "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with
+cake."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy._ "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see
+you every day while you are ill."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A SOFT ANSWER," &c.--_Mamma_. You are very naughty children, and I am
+extremely dis-satisfied with you all!
+
+_Tommy._ That _is_ a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with
+_you_, you know!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMPREHENSIVE.--_Preceptor._ Now, can any of you tell me anything
+remarkable in the life of Moses?
+
+_Boy._ Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at
+once!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BARGAIN.
+
+"I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this
+'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, _I'll go quiet_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITTLE MISS LOGIC.--_Little Dot_ (_to Eminent Professor of Chemistry_).
+Are you a chemist?
+
+_Eminent Professor._ Yes, my dear.
+
+_L. D._ Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the
+window?
+
+_E. P._ No, my dear; I don't keep a shop.
+
+_L. D._ Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough
+Jujubes?
+
+_E. P._ No, my dear, I certainly do not.
+
+_L. D._ (_decidedly_). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more.
+You can't be a respectable chemist.
+
+_E. P._ Why not, my dear?
+
+_L. D._ 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all _respectable_ chemists."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE SCHOOL TREAT.--_Lady Helper_ (_to Small Boy_). Will you have some
+more bread-and-butter?
+
+_Small Boy._ No fear, when there's kike about.
+
+_Lady Helper_ (_trying to be kind_). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum
+or seed?
+
+_Small Boy._ Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUESTION OF HEREDITY
+
+_Hal._ "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?"
+
+_Martha._ "Oh no, it's only a little cracked."
+
+_Hal._ "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little
+mad?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY.--"Oh, _look_, mummie! Now it's left off
+raining, he's come out of his kennel!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SENSIBLE CHILD.--"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your
+stocking for Santa Claus to fill?"
+
+"No. I hanged up muvver's!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAD HIM THERE.--_Uncle Jim._ Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I
+need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "_the half is
+greater than the whole_!"
+
+_Tommy._ Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a
+whole one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE.--_The Major._ You're a very nice fellow,
+Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?
+
+_Tommy._ Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION
+
+_Kind-hearted Old Gent._ "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and
+where do you live!"
+
+_Chorus._ "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SANCTA SIMPLICITAS."--"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have _smiled_ so
+often at me in church?"
+
+"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"
+
+"Behind me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Philanthropic Old Lady_ (_to little boy caressing dog_).
+"That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals."
+
+_Little Boy._ "Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's
+I've got him quiet."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Poor likkle doggie--hasn't got any fevvers on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Master Tom._ "Wish I could catch a cold just before
+Christmas."
+
+_Effie._ "Why?"
+
+_Master Tom._ "Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I?
+_Just!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Please_, auntie, _may_ I have the fairy off the
+Christmas tree--_if I don't ask you for it_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shocked Mother._ "Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?"
+_Tommy_ (_who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary
+course at the village school_). "Fighting with Billy Brown."
+
+_Mother._ "That horrid boy at the farm? Don't you _ever_ quarrel with
+him again!"
+
+_Tommy._ "I ain't likely to. He can _lick_ me!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY
+
+"May I _leave_ this piece of bread, nurse?"
+
+"Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come
+when you'll _want_ a piece of bread!"
+
+"Then I'd better _keep_ this piece of bread till I _do_ want it, nurse.
+Hadn't I?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BLUE FEVER.--_Visitor_ (_after a long discourse on the
+virtues of temperance_). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the
+blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good----"
+
+_Billie Groggins._ "Please, sir, I'm _Hoxford_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISCUSSION ON DIET.--_Little Chris_ (_to little Kate_.) Does your
+governess get ill on mince pies?
+
+_Little Kate._ I don't know! Why?
+
+_Little Chris._ 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat
+any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she _must_ have been
+so herself.
+
+[_Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in
+question._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT IS IT?
+
+_First Boy_ (_loq._). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!--I seen it move!"
+
+_Second Do._ "I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!--I can see 'is
+ears!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dolly._ "Auntie, that's what I've done for the
+cow-drawing competition at school."
+
+_Auntie._ "But it is more like a horse than a cow."
+
+_Dolly._ "It _is_ a horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE GENTLE CRAFT"
+
+_Preceptor_ (_after a lecture_). "Now, what are the principal things
+that are obtained from the earth?"
+
+_Pupil_ (_and "disciple of Izaak Walton"_). "Worms, sir!"
+
+[_Loses fifty marks!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONFESSION.--_Day Governess._ "How is it your French
+exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?"
+
+_Tommy_ (_after considering awhile_). "I don't think auntie knows
+Latin."
+
+[_Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?"
+
+"Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RETALIATION
+
+"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten
+you?"
+
+"No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF LENT
+
+"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up
+something you were fond of?--_sugar_, for instance,--as I suggested?"
+
+"Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactly _sugar_, you know! It was
+_soap_ we agreed to give up!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION
+
+_Ethel_ (_to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new
+governess_). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!"
+
+_Jack._ "Bosh! who cares! This ain't a _real_ corner, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CANDID INQUIRER
+
+"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?"
+
+"No, sir, I think not--except water!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Eva._ "Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o'
+Scots."
+
+_Tom._ "So am I then, Eva."
+
+_Eva._ "Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Is it a _board school_ you go to, my dear?"
+
+_Child._ "No, sir. I believe it be a _brick_ one!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kitty._ "Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?"
+
+_Mr. Pup._ "Wound! What wound?"
+
+_Kitty._ "Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Boy._ "How many steps can you jump, grandma? I
+can jump _four_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INDUCTION
+
+"Is this the _new_ baby, daddy?"--"Yes, dear."
+
+"Why, he's got no teeth!"--"No, dear."
+
+"And he's got no hair!"--"No, dear."
+
+"Oh, daddy, it _must_ be an _old_ baby!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "It's an ill wind blows nobody good."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Horrified little girl_ (_seeing her mamma in evening dress for the
+first time_). Oh, mummy, you're _never_ going down like that! You've
+forgotten to put on your top part!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENGLISH HISTORY.--"And who was the king who had so many wives?"
+
+"Bluebeard!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HER FIRST WASP
+
+_Poor Effie (who has been stung)._ "First it walked about all over my
+hand, and it _was_ so nice! But oh!--_when it sat down_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VERY NATURAL.--"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to
+me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax
+vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!"
+
+"O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE DISTINCTION.--
+
+_Mamma (improving the occasion)._ "I like your new suit immensely,
+Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the
+gentleman!"
+
+_Gerald._ "No, mamma! I know it's the _hat_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Little Montague._ "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!"
+
+_Father._ "Were you? And what was he like, eh?"
+
+_Little Montague._ "Oh, I couldn't see him--it was dark, you know. But
+when he bumped himself on the washstand he said----"
+
+_Father (hastily)._ "There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A RARA AVIS.--_Little Girl (finishing her description of
+the Battle of Cressy)._ "And ever since then the Prince of Wales has
+been born with feathers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A HEAD FOR BUSINESS.--
+
+_Mamma._ "I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but
+in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so----"
+
+_Bobby._ "Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give
+it me to-morrow?"
+
+_Mamma._ "Give you what, dear?"
+
+_Bobby._ "The threepenny bit you _meant_ to give me to-day!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD
+
+"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as
+well as nurse?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEFORE THE HEAD
+
+_Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist)._
+"Please, sir, may I--may I--have gas?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.--"Mamma, _isn't_ it very wicked to do behind
+one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"
+
+"Certainly, Effie!"
+
+"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BY AUTHORITY."--_Street Boy (sternly)._ "P'lice-Serge'nt
+says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (_more
+meekly_) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from
+one of his tenants)._ "And how does your mother make all these beautiful
+patterns on the pats, my dear?"
+
+_Messenger._ "_Wiv our comb, sir!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION
+
+"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I
+hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very
+expensive!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady._ "Have you lost yourself, little boy?"
+
+_Little Boy._ "No--boo-hoo--I've found a street I don't know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ENFANT TERRIBLE"
+
+"I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor. _Please_ drink it!"
+
+"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?"
+
+"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you----!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION
+
+"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's
+'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WELL OUT OF IT"
+
+_Uncle._ "And you love your enemies, Ethel?"
+
+_Ethel (promptly)._ "Yeth, uncle."
+
+_Uncle._ "And who are your enemies, dear?"
+
+_Ethel (in an awful whisper)._ "The dev----"
+
+[_The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the
+subject._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CHILDREN
+
+_Nurse._ "You dreadful children! Where _have_ you been?"
+
+_Young Hopeful._ "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear
+little ducks, but they _will_ come to the top!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Auntie._ "Do you know you are playing with two very
+naughty little boys, Johnny?"
+
+_Johnny._ "Yes."
+
+_Auntie._ "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little
+boys?"
+
+_Johnny._ "Because their mothers won't let them!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK
+
+_Gwendoline._ "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession,
+and I think he's quite right!"
+
+_Mamma._ "Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?"
+
+_Gwendoline._ "I mean to be a professional beauty!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET.--_Master George (whispers)._ "I say!
+Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you '_a lovely spoonful of
+delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice_'?" _Miss Kitty._ "Ess
+Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" _Master George._ "THEN DON'T
+TAKE IT!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVIL COMMUNICATIONS &c.--_Elder of Twins._ "It's _very_
+vulgar to say 'you be _blowed_' to each other, like those men do. Isn't
+it, Uncle Fred?"
+
+_Uncle Fred._ "I believe it _is_ generally considered so, my dear!"
+
+_Elder of Twins._ "Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know, _we_ always say,
+'you be _blown_!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MENS CONSCIA.--_Inspector_ (_who notices a backwardness
+in history_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer._)
+
+_Inspector_ (_more urgently_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer_.)
+
+_Inspector_ (_angrily_). "Who signed Magna Charta?"
+
+_Scapegrace_ (_thinking matters are beginning to look serious_).
+"Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TROP DE ZELE!"--(_Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been
+told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a
+nap._) (_Tommy in the middle of the nap_). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I
+do? _I want to cough!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TENDER CONSIDERATION
+
+"Oh, _don't_ make faces at him, Effie! It might _frighten_ him, you
+know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BY PROXY".
+
+_Humorous Little Boy._ "Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but
+one, four times, sir?"
+
+_Old Gent_ (_gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children_).
+"Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (_Effusively._) "Certainly,
+that I will!"
+
+[_In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the
+third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor----Tableau!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEWS FROM HOME.--_Aunt Mary._ "I've just had a letter
+from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be
+a nice companion for you some day!"
+
+_Geoffrey._ "Oh!----does mummy know?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UTILE CUM DULCI
+
+_Arry._ "Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?"
+
+_Piscator_ (_the Doctor's Boy_). "No, I _ain't_ a comin' along with you,
+I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ZOOLOGY. (_It appears to be coming to that at the Board
+Schools._)--_Examiner_ (_to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth
+standard_). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in
+regard to nesting?"
+
+_Student._ "Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself,
+sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO
+
+_Tommy._ "Them ain't donkeys, Billy?"
+
+_Billy._ "Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys
+on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SPOILT STORY.--_Brown_ (_in the middle of tall shooting
+story_). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a
+rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching
+on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" _Interested
+Little Boy._ "Oh, and which did you shoot first--the lion, or the tiger,
+or the d'lemma?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Uncle_ (_about to start for a concert at Marine
+Pavilion_). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without
+your shoes and stockings?"
+
+_Nora._ "I'm in evening dress, uncle--only it's the other end."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TERTIUM QUID.--"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I
+weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you."
+
+"Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CLINCHER.--"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know
+how to tell it."
+
+"No more do I."
+
+"O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES
+
+"What! _all_ that for grandpa."
+
+"No, darling. It's for you."
+
+"Oh! what a little bit!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT
+
+_Edith._ "Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all
+round."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine
+would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd
+only break it."
+
+_Jacky._ "Oh, but, mother, I'd _promise_ you I'd never let him even
+_touch_ it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON
+
+_Precocious Infant._ "Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW.--_Maud_ (_with much sympathy in
+her voice_). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery
+in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians,
+poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were
+devouring them!"
+
+_Ethel_ (_with still more sympathy_). "Yes, and mamma dear, there was
+_one_ poor tiger that _hadn't got_ a christian!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to son, who has been growing rather free of
+speech_). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give
+you sixpence."
+
+_Tommy._ "All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth
+half-a-crown!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BETWEEN THE ACTS
+
+_Governess._ "Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?"
+
+_Marjorie._ "No--I haven't. I'm only _resting_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WISE CHILD.--_Inspector._ "Suppose I lent your father
+£100 in June, and he promised to pay me back £10 on the first of every
+month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well
+before you answer."
+
+_Pupil._ "£100, sir."
+
+_Inspector._ "You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the
+most elementary rules of arithmetic!"
+
+_Pupil._ "Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.--_Miss Fitzogre._ "Well, good-bye,
+Percival, and be a good boy!"
+
+_Percival_ (_a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to
+make personal remarks about people in their presence_). "Good-bye, I'll
+not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Porter._ "Why is the little girl crying, missie?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late
+nor nuffing's come'd out!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT UNLIKELY
+
+"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dorothy_ (_who has found a broken nest-egg_). "Oh,
+mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more
+eggs. She's broken the pattern!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WASTED SYMPATHY
+
+_Kind-hearted Lady._ "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you
+have! Is it a tooth?"
+
+_Poor Child_ (_with difficulty_). "No 'm--it's a sweet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
+
+"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry
+your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know
+it himself yet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Softly._ "Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon
+in my m-m-m-outh."
+
+_Kitty._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WELL UP IN HER MYTHOLOGY.--_Tommy._ "Madge, what's
+'_necessitas_,' masculine or feminine?"
+
+_Madge._ "Why, feminine, of course."
+
+_Tommy._ "Why?"
+
+_Madge._ "Why, she was the mother of invention."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD
+
+_Mrs. Jinks._ "That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin
+like an angel."
+
+_Tommy._ "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUESTION AND ANSWER
+
+_Mamma._ "Who was the first man, 'Lina?"
+
+_'Lina._ "I forget."
+
+_Mamma._ "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"
+
+_'Lina_ (_after a thoughtful pause_). "Madam!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHEER IGNORANCE
+
+_Benevolent Person._ "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"
+
+_Boy._ "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings
+up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus'll fill 'em with presents!"
+
+"It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill _mine_. I 'aven't got no foots in
+'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON HIS DIGNITY.--_Sam._ "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves
+yesterday."
+
+_Auntie._ "Really! What are they? Kids?"
+
+_Sam._ "No, they're men's."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sharp_ (_but vulgar_) _little boy_. "Hallo, missus, wot
+are those?"
+
+_Old Woman._ "Twopence."
+
+_Boy._ "What a lie! They're apples."
+
+[_Exit, whistling popular air_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DIFFICULT CASE.--_Mamma._ You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I
+shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. _Now_ will you
+be good?
+
+_Tommy_ (_with hesitation_). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after,
+mammy?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Do you know what a lie is, sir?"
+
+_Little Boy._ "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden
+today."
+
+_Boy._ "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET
+
+"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET
+
+"And are _you_ going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?"
+
+"Of course, darling."
+
+"Then _don't_ let it be _something useful_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mamma._ "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on
+Sunday. You must go into the back garden."
+
+_Tommy._ "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROTEST
+
+"And pray, am I _never_ to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW TEST
+
+_Aunt_ (_in alarm_). "_Surely_ you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?"
+
+_Tommy_ (_in doubt_). "F-f-f-feel me!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bilious Old Uncle._ "I'm delighted to see this fall; it
+will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of
+mischief."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOLING.--_Teacher._ What does one mean by "Heaping coals of
+fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins?
+
+_Harry Hawkins._ Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Auntie._ Do you love the chickens, dear?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny
+laugh!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRONOLOGY.--_Old Gentleman_ ("_putting a few questions_"). Now,
+boys--ah--can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he
+took the forbidden fruit?
+
+_Small Scholar_ ("_like a shot_"). Please, sir, th'worn't no
+commandments then, sir!
+
+[_Questioner sits corrected._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT A CHILDREN'S PARTY
+
+DURING TEA
+
+Yes, _isn't_ it a pretty sight.... Oh, they're _much_ too busy to talk
+at present.... Well, if you _would_ take this cup of tea to my little
+girl, dear Mr. Muffett, it would be so----Yes, in the white frock....
+_Pray_ don't apologise--some tea upsets _so_ easily, doesn't it?... Oh!
+I don't suppose it will show, really, and if it _does_.... Please, will
+everybody keep quite quiet for a minute or two; I haven't said my
+grace.... Don't you think it's unfair of nurse? She's handed me
+bread-and-butter twice running!... I mustn't eat sponge-cake, thank you.
+Bath buns are better for me than anything.... I was _so_ ill after
+Christmas. They took my temperament with the barometer, and it was two
+hundred and six!... Oh! that's nothing. When _I_ was ill, the doctor
+said mine was perfectly Norman!... Well, you _might_ lower that
+candleshade a _very_ little, perhaps, Mr. Muffett.... Ah! don't blow
+it out.... Throw it into the fire, quick!... It doesn't matter in the
+_least_. No; I wouldn't trouble about the _other_ shades, thanks....
+Mother, will you read me the text out of my cracker?... But if you're
+going to be a soldier, you oughtn't to shut your eyes when you pull a
+cracker.... Oh! when I'm a soldier, I needn't _go_ to parties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WELL BROUGHT UP.--"Now then, my little men, didn't you
+see that board on that tree?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, then, can't you read?"
+
+"Yes, but we never look at anything marked 'private.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DURING A PERFORMANCE OF PUNCH AND JUDY
+
+_A Thoughtful Child._ What a dreadful thing it would be to have a papa
+like Punch!
+
+_A Puzzled Child._ Mother, why is the man at the side so _polite_ to
+Punch? He calls him "Sir"--is Punch _really_ a gentleman?
+
+_A Good Little Girl._ I do wish they would leave all the fighting out;
+it must set such a bad example to children.
+
+_An Appreciative Boy._ Oh! I say, _did_ you hear what the clown said
+then? He said something had frightened all the hair off his head except
+that little tuft at the top, and it turned _that_ sky-blue!
+
+[_He goes into fits of laughter._
+
+_A Matter-of-fact Boy._ Yes, I heard--but I don't believe it _could_.
+
+_The Child of the House._ I _am_ so glad Tip is shut up downstairs,
+because I'm afraid, if he'd been up here and seen Toby act, he'd have
+wanted to run away and go on the stage himself, and I don't think he's
+the sort of dog who would ever be a _success_, you know!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JOYS OF ANTICIPATION.--"When are you coming out with
+me, mummy?"
+
+"Not this morning, darling. I've too much to do!"
+
+"Oh, but you _must_, mummy. I've already put it in my new diary that you
+_did_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DURING THE DANCING
+
+_Jack._ I say, Mabel, you've got to dance the "Washington Post" with
+_me_.
+
+_Mabel._ I can't. I've promised Teddy Thistledown.
+
+_Jack._ Oh! _that's_ all right. I swapped with him for a Nicaragua
+stamp.
+
+_Mabel_ (_touched_). But aren't they rare? Didn't you want it yourself?
+
+_Jack._ Oh! I don't collect, you know.
+
+_George_ (_to Ethel_). They've given us the whole of "Ivanhoe" to mug up
+for a holiday task. Isn't it a beastly shame?
+
+_Ethel._ But don't you like Scott?
+
+_George._ Oh! I don't mind _Scott_ so much. It's having to grind in
+the holidays that _I_ bar.
+
+_Hester_ (_to Roland_). Shall you go to the pantomime this year?
+
+_Roland._ I don't think so. I'm going to lectures at the Royal
+Institution instead.
+
+_Hester._ That isn't as jolly as the pantomime, is it?
+
+_Roland_ (_impartially_). Not while it's going on, but a lot jollier
+after it's over.
+
+_Mr. Poffley_ (_a middle-aged bachelor, who "likes to make himself
+useful at parties," and is good-naturedly waltzing with little Miss
+Chillington_). Have you--er--been to many parties?
+
+_Miss Chillington_ (_a child of the world_). About the usual amount.
+There's generally a good deal going on just now, isn't there?
+
+_Mr. Poffley._ A--I suppose so. I go out so little now that I've almost
+forgotten _how_ to dance.
+
+_Miss Chillington._ Then you _did_ know once!
+
+_Mr. Poffley_ (_completely demoralised_). I--er--you would rather stop?
+
+_Miss Chillington._ Oh! I don't mind going on, if it amuses you.
+
+[_Mr. Poffley feels that "children are not so grateful as they used
+to be for being noticed," and that it is almost time he gave up
+going to juvenile parties._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RES ANT-IQUÆ.--"Auntie dear, where do these fossil shells
+come from?"
+
+"Oh, my dear child, a great many years ago they were washed up here by
+the sea."
+
+"How long ago, auntie dear?"
+
+"Ever so long ago, dear child."
+
+"What! Even before _you_ were born, auntie?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXTREME MEASURES
+
+_Mother._ "If I catch you chasing those hens again, I'll wash your face
+_every day next week_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AFTER SUPPER
+
+_The Hostess_ (_returning to the drawing-room to find the centre of the
+floor occupied by a struggling heap of small boys, surrounded by
+admiring but mystified sisters_). Oh! dear me, what _are_ they doing?
+I'm so afraid my two boys are being too rough, Mrs. Hornblower.
+
+_Mrs. Hornblower_ (_one of a row of complacent matrons_). Oh! not at
+all, dear Mrs. Honeybun, they're having _such_ fun. Your Edwin and
+Arthur are only trying how many boys they can pile on the top of my
+Tommy.
+
+_Mrs. Honeybun._ Is that Tommy underneath? Are you sure he's not getting
+hurt?
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ Oh! he thoroughly enjoys a romp. He's made himself
+perfectly hoarse with laughing. Just listen to him!
+
+_Mrs. Honey._ What a sturdy little fellow he is! And always in such high
+spirits!
+
+_Mrs. Horn_ (_confidentially_). He hasn't seemed quite the thing for the
+last day or two, and I was doubting whether it wouldn't be better to
+keep him at home to-night, but he begged so hard that I really had to
+give way.
+
+_Mrs. Honey._ So glad you did! It doesn't seem to have done him any
+harm.
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ Quite the contrary. And indeed, he couldn't help being the
+better for it; you understand so thoroughly how to make children happy,
+dear Mrs. Honeybun.
+
+_Mrs. Honey._ It's delightful of you to say so; I try my best, but one
+can't always----Last year we had a conjurer, and it was only when he'd
+begun that we found out he was helplessly intoxicated.
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ How disagreeable for you! But this time everything has been
+quite perfect!
+
+_Mrs. Honey._ Well, I really think there has been no----Good gracious!
+I'm _sure_ somebody is being suffocated! _Did_ you hear that?
+
+[_From the core of the heap proceeds a sound at which every mother's
+heart quakes--a smothered cough ending in a long-drawn and ominous
+"oo-ook."_
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ Depend upon it, that's whooping-cough! Tommy, come here
+this minute. (_Tommy emerges, crimson and crowing lustily; the mothers
+collect their offspring in dismay_). Oh! Tommy, Tommy, don't tell me
+it's _you_! It--it can't be _that_, dear Mrs. Honeybun; he's been
+nowhere where he could possibly----You naughty boy, you _know_ you are
+only pretending. Don't let me hear that horrid noise again.
+
+_Tommy_ (_injured_). But, mummy, _really_ I wasn't----
+
+[_He justifies himself by producing a series of whoops with an
+unmistakably genuine ring_.
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ I think it's only a rather severe attack of hiccoughs, dear
+Mrs. Honeybun; but still, perhaps--just to be on the safe side--I'd
+better----
+
+[_She departs in confusion, the crowd on the stairs dividing like
+Red Sea waves as Tommy proclaims his approach._
+
+_Mrs. Honey_ (_after the last guest has gone_). I knew _something_ would
+happen! I must say it was _most_ inconsiderate of Mrs. Hornblower to
+bring that wretched little Tommy out and break up the party like
+this--it's not as if we were really _intimate_! Still, it was ridiculous
+of everybody else to hurry off too, as if whooping-cough was anything to
+be so mortally afraid of! I wasn't in the _least_ myself, as they might
+have seen. But perhaps it _is_ just as well that Edwin and Arthur had it
+last winter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+READY ANSWER.--_Uncle._ Now, how did the mother of Moses hide him?
+
+_Niece._ With a stick, uncle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE FACE OF IT
+
+_Pretty Teacher._ "Now, Johnny Wells, can you tell me what is meant by a
+miracle?"
+
+_Johnny._ "Yes, teacher. Mother says if you dun't marry new parson,
+'twull be a murracle!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DUET
+
+_Fond Mother_ (_to young hopeful, who has been sent upstairs to a room
+by himself as a punishment_). "You can come down now, Jacky."
+
+_Young Hopeful._ "Can't. I'se singing a duet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNCLE'S BANK HOLIDAY
+
+"Oh, uncle, we're so glad we've met you. We want you to take us on the
+roundabout, and stay on it till tea-time!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Young Masher_ (_to rival_). "I say, old, chap, I hear
+you're an excellent runner. Is that true?"
+
+_Rival_ (_eagerly_). "Rather!"
+
+_Young Masher._ "Well, then, run home!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Aunt._ Why, Tommy, I've only just taken a splinter out of your hand,
+and now you've let pussy scratch you. How did that happen?
+
+_Tommy_ (_who has been tampering with the cat's whiskers_). Well, I was
+only trying to get some of the splinters out of her face!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch with The Children
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: October 18, 2010 [EBook #33918]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h4>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h4>
+
+<center> Some pages of this work have been moved from the
+original sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption.
+The page numbering remains unaltered.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i001.png">
+<img src="images/i001.png" width="100%" alt="Title page" /></a>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span>
+
+<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3>
+
+<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></center>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i002.png">
+<img src="images/i002.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon dog" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself,
+the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of
+comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
+from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.</p>
+
+<h1>MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN</h1>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i003.png">
+<img src="images/i003.png" width="100%" alt="Much Ado" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Much Ado.</span>&mdash;"Mamma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We's crying! Tum up
+'tairs an' see what's de matter wiv us!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH</h2>
+
+<h3>WITH</h3>
+
+<h2>THE CHILDREN</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i004.png">
+<img src="images/i004.png" width="100%" alt="Mr Punch with children" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<center>AS PICTURED BY<br />
+<br />
+PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE,<br />
+JOHN LEECH, GORDON BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL,<br />
+CHARLES PEARS, LEWIS BAUMER, DAVID WILSON, TOM<br />
+BROWNE, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, C. E. BROCK, TOM<br />
+WILKINSON, HILDA COWHAM, AND OTHER HUMORISTS<br />
+<br />
+<i>IN 175 ILLUSTRATIONS</i><br />
+<br />
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH<br />
+THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"<br />
+<br />
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.<br />
+</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Punch Library of Humour</span></h3>
+
+<center><i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated</i><br /><br />
+
+LIFE IN LONDON<br />
+COUNTRY LIFE<br />
+IN THE HIGHLANDS<br />
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br />
+IRISH HUMOUR<br />
+COCKNEY HUMOUR<br />
+IN SOCIETY<br />
+AFTER DINNER STORIES<br />
+IN BOHEMIA<br />
+AT THE PLAY<br />
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br />
+ON THE CONTINONG<br />
+RAILWAY BOOK<br />
+AT THE SEASIDE<br />
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br />
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br />
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br />
+WITH ROD AND GUN<br />
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br />
+BOOK OF SPORTS<br />
+GOLF STORIES<br />
+IN WIG AND GOWN<br />
+ON THE WARPATH<br />
+BOOK OF LOVE<br />
+WITH THE CHILDREN<br />
+</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i005.png">
+<img src="images/i005.png" width="100%" alt="Mr Punch with snowball" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>
+
+<h3>EDITOR'S NOTE</h3>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i006.png">
+<img src="images/i006.png" width="100%" alt="Mr Punch on stilts" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>In the order of our Library "Mr. Punch with the Children" comes last,
+yet, so continual and sincere has been the interest of the breezy little
+man in the children, we might well have placed this volume first. The
+<i>Punch</i> pictures, stories and jests that are concerned with the young
+folk are almost inexhaustible. The present collection, though containing
+the cream of them, comes very far indeed from reproducing them all, or
+even fifty per cent. For every notable artist and writer who has been
+much associated with <i>Punch</i> since 1841 has had something to say or to
+illustrate of the humours of child life. If genius be the power to be a
+child again at will, we can understand this abiding interest in the
+doings of the children. <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> himself resembles Peter Pan, for he
+has never grown up. The years roll by, but the jolly little hunchback
+remains as young as ever.</p>
+
+<p>The variety of individuality in the children, to whom we are here
+introduced, is noteworthy. In the days of Leech, downright impudence
+seems to have been a characteristic of the young; to-day it would seem
+children are better mannered, even if the <i>enfant terrible</i> is still
+thriving and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> likely to do so. There are nice children here, and naughty
+ones; clever and dull children; pretty and ugly children&mdash;the
+mischievous are chiefly memories of last generation! Phil May's children
+are all clearly of the "gutter snipe" order, in which he delighted, full
+of character and a somewhat pathetic humour; but how clean and sweet and
+lovable are Du Maurier's or Mr. Lewis Baumer's! Mr. Raven-Hill seems to
+be attracted somewhat in the same direction as Phil May; but all are
+interesting, and their sayings and doings are eminently worthy to be
+thus permanently gathered into one volume.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i007.png">
+<img src="images/i007.png" width="100%" alt="baby is naughty" /></a><br /><br />
+<p>Boy (<i>looking forward to a party in the evening</i>). "Oh,
+mummy, baby <i>is</i> naughty! He has taken two things off the calendar, and
+made it to-morrow!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>
+
+<h3>MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i008.png">
+<img src="images/i008.png" width="100%" alt="STUDY IN EXPRESSION" /></a>
+<h3>A STUDY IN EXPRESSION</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Serious Matter.</span>&mdash;<i>Grandfather</i> (<i>to Miss Pansy, who is
+somewhat flushed and excited</i>). What's the matter, my pet?</p>
+<p><i>Miss Pansy</i> (<i>aged eight</i>). Oh, grandpa, me and my kitten have been
+having the most awful row. We've often quarrelled before and made it up
+again, but this time we're not on speaking terms.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i009.png">
+<img src="images/i009.png" width="100%" alt="Bobbie" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Bobbie</i> (<i>dictating letter to his sister, whom he has
+"squared" into writing for him</i>). "Dear Miss Brown, please xcuse Bobbie
+for not bean at school sinse Tewsday has he as add twothake on Tewsday
+and on Wednesday he broke is harm and he ad to go to a party yesterday
+afternoon. If he does not come to-morrow it will be because a boy thrue
+a stoan at is i.&mdash;Yours trooly, Bobbie's mother."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i010.png">
+<img src="images/i010.png" width="100%" alt="Presence of Mind" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Presence of Mind.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Girl</i> (<i>who has been disturbed
+by a mouse, in a stage-whisper to her sleeping sister</i>). "Wake up! Oh,
+wake up and mew, Amy; mew for your life!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i011.png"></a>
+<img src="images/i011.png" width="100%" alt="UNIMAGINATIVE" />
+<h3>UNIMAGINATIVE</h3>
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> "Do you see the hair in this old brooch, Cyril? It was your
+great-grandfather's."</p>
+<p><i>Cyril.</i> "I say, Auntie, he didn't have much!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> Well, Effie, did you enjoy your party last night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Effie.</i> Very much, thank you, auntie.</p>
+
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> And I suppose mamma was there to look after you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Effie.</i> Oh no! Mamma and I <i>don't belong</i> to the same set!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i012.png">
+<img src="images/i012.png" width="100%" alt="NICE NEPHEW" /></a>
+<h3>NICE NEPHEW!</h3>
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> "Talking of riddles, Uncle, do you know the difference between
+an apple and a elephant?"</p>
+<p><i>Uncle</i> (<i>benignly</i>). "No, my lad, I don't."</p>
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> "You'd be a smart chap to send out to buy apples, wouldn't
+you?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Precautionary Measure.</span>&mdash;"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind
+you don't use any rude words!"</p>
+
+<p>"Rude words! <i>Tell</i> me a few, mummy, and then I shall <i>know</i>, you know!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i013.png">
+<img src="images/i013.png" width="100%" alt="CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR" /></a>
+<h3>A "CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR"</h3>
+<p><i>Governess.</i> "Now, just one more subtraction sum&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> "Oh, Miss Crawford, I don't fink mummie would let me do any
+more of <i>those</i> sums, 'cause in them you borrow <i>ten</i> and pay back only
+<i>one</i>, and that's cheating!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i014.png">
+<img src="images/i014.png" width="100%" alt="GREAT AMBITION" /></a>
+<h3>A GREAT AMBITION</h3>
+<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>watching her mother fixing hatpins through her hat</i>).
+"When will <i>I</i> be old enough, mummy, to have holes made in <i>my</i> head to
+keep my hat on?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i015.png">
+<img src="images/i015.png" width="100%" alt="Rehearsal for Private Theatricals" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Rehearsal for Private Theatricals on Boxing-Day</span>.&mdash;<i>Master
+Brown</i> (<i>leading tragedian, who has been studying a fearful
+blood-curdling old melodrama, entering suddenly)</i>. "Here are the
+letters. Two million pounds is the price of my silence!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Walking Home from the Pantomime.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Chris</i> (<i>who usually goes to
+bed very early</i>). Mamma, have all the angels been to Drury Lane
+to-night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> No, darling? Why?</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Chris</i> (<i>pointing to the stars</i>). 'Cause they've kept the lamps
+up there lighted so late.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i016.png">
+<img src="images/i016.png" width="100%" alt="Our Christmas Tea" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Our Christmas Tea.</span>&mdash;<i>Unregenerate Youth.</i> "Pass the seedy
+caike!" <i>Vicar's Daughter.</i> "If&mdash;&mdash;? If&mdash;&mdash;?" <i>Unregenerate Youth.</i> "If
+'e don't I'll shove 'im in the faice!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i017.png">
+<img src="images/i017.png" width="100%" alt="THE PROBLEM" /></a>
+<h3>THE PROBLEM.</h3>
+<p><i>Samuel.</i> "Muvver, does a hen lay an egg when it <i>likes</i> or <i>must</i> it?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i018.png">
+<img src="images/i018.png" width="100%" alt="Grand-Daughter of Eve" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Grand-Daughter of Eve.</span>&mdash;<i>Mamma</i> (<i>to Molly, who has
+scratched and bitten her French nurse, and who won't be sorry for her
+behaviour</i>). "Oh, Molly, don't you know who it is puts such wicked
+thoughts into your head?" <i>Molly.</i> "Ah, yes, the <i>scratching</i>! But to
+<i>bite</i> F&eacute;licie was quite my own idea!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Rogues Falling Out.</span>&mdash;<i>Mamma.</i> What is baby crying for, Maggie?</p>
+
+<p><i>Maggie.</i> I don't know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> And what are <i>you</i> looking so 'ndignant about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Maggie.</i> That nasty, greedy dog's been and took and eaten my
+'punge-take!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> Why, I saw you eating a sponge-cake a minute ago!</p>
+
+<p><i>Maggie.</i> O&mdash;that was baby's!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Scientific Nursery Definition.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Algy Muffin.</i> What's the
+meaning of bric-&agrave;-brac, that mamma was talking about to Colonel Crumpet?</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Chris Crumpet.</i> Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear
+we'll break them.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Poetry for Schoolboys.</span>&mdash;Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the
+week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those
+felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line&mdash;</p>
+
+<center>"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind."</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i019.png">
+<img src="images/i019.png" width="100%" alt="Logical" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Logical.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Bobby</i> (<i>whose mamma is very
+particular, and is always telling him to wash his face and hands</i>).
+"Mummy dear! I do wish I was a little black boy." <i>Mamma.</i> "My dear
+Bobby, you generally are." <i>Little Bobby.</i> "Oh, I mean <i>really</i> black.
+<i>Then</i> you wouldn't see when I was dirty."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i020.png">
+<img src="images/i020.png" width="100%" alt="EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED" /></a>
+<h3>EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED</h3>
+<p><i>Cissie</i> (<i>who has never seen an Archdeacon before</i>). "Dick, that old
+clergyman has got gaiters on. What does it mean when a clergyman wears
+gaiters?"</p>
+<p><i>Dick</i> (<i>who knows everything</i>). "Oh, it means that he belongs to the
+cyclist corps!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i021.png">
+<img src="images/i021.png" width="100%" alt="WHAT MAISIE KNEW" /></a>
+<h3> "WHAT MAISIE KNEW"</h3>
+<p><i>Kind Aunt.</i> "You needn't be afraid of my little pug, Maisie. He won't
+bite you."</p>
+<p><i>Maisie.</i> "No, auntie. But he might kick!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i022.png">
+<img src="images/i022.png" width="100%" alt="He calls you Port Arthur" /></a>
+<p><i>Bobby.</i> "Do you know what daddy calls you, Mr. Tovey?"</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Tovey.</i> "No Bobby. What is it?"</p>
+<p><i>Bobby.</i> "He calls you Port Arthur, 'cause you take so long to
+surrender!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i023.png">
+<img src="images/i023.png" width="100%" alt="Little Girl" /></a>
+<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>to mother, who has just read notice</i>). "I
+suppose, mother, it doesn't mention <i>which</i> half of the poor thing we
+are to look for?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Juvenile Geography.</span>&mdash;<i>Governess.</i> The earth moves round the sun ... it
+takes a whole year to complete the round ... and this accounts for the
+four seasons. What are the four seasons of the year, Phyllis?</p>
+<p><i>Phyllis</i> (<i>aged</i> five). This year, next year, sometime, never.</p><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">It's a Wise Child that knows its own Father.</span>"&mdash;<i>Grace.</i> Harold, why did
+pa call that Mr. Blowhard a liar?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harold.</i> 'Cos he's smaller than pa!</p><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Little Learning.</span>&mdash;<i>Teacher.</i> And who was Joan of Arc?</p>
+
+<p><i>Scholar.</i> Please, sir, Noah's wife.</p><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Little Stepmother.</span>&mdash;<i>Uncle.</i> Hullo! Dot, got a new doll?</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Miss Dot.</i> Hush, uncle, don't speak too loud. She is not one of
+my own, but belonged to Millie Simpson, who was cruel to her and
+'bandoned her, so I have 'dopted her; but I don't want her to know,
+because I mean to make no difference between her and my own dollies.</p><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i024.png">
+<img src="images/i024.png" width="100%" alt="A POSER" /></a>
+<h3>A POSER</h3>
+<p><i>Katie</i> (<i>in consternation</i>). "Oh, mother, how <i>will</i> Santa Claus do
+about that poor man's stockings?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i025.png">
+<img src="images/i025.png" width="100%" alt="The Return Invitation" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">The Return Invitation.</span>&mdash;"Please, Mrs. Subbubs, mamma says
+she'll be glad if you'll come to tea on Monday." "With pleasure, Bessie.
+Tell your mother it's really too kind&mdash;&mdash;" "Oh, no! mamma says she'll be
+glad when it's over."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i026.png">
+<img src="images/i026.png" width="100%" alt="Did our hat-rack walk about" /></a>
+<p>"Did our hat-rack walk about and have only two pegs, once, auntie?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i027.png">
+<img src="images/i027.png" width="100%" alt="funny sort of horse" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Stable Talk.</span>&mdash;<i>The General.</i> "That's a funny sort of
+horse you've got there, Cuthbert." <i>Cuthbert.</i> "Yes, gran'pa. You see
+he's been 'eating his head off' all the winter!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i028.png">
+<img src="images/i028.png" width="100%" alt="Severe Mother" /></a>
+<p><i>Severe Mother.</i> "You naughty boy! How dare you tell such
+stories? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being a little liar?"
+<i>Injured Son.</i> "Well, mother, 't ain't my fault. Father gave me a awful
+thrashing the other day for having spoken the truth." <i>Mother.</i> "What
+<i>do</i> you mean?" <i>Son.</i> "Why, when I told you that father had come home
+quite drunk the night before!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i029.png">
+<img src="images/i029.png" width="100%" alt="IN STRANGE ATTIRE" /></a>
+<h3>"IN STRANGE ATTIRE"</h3>
+<p>"Nurse! Nurse! Bobby's out of bed, and running about in his <i>bananas</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i030.png">
+<img src="images/i030.png" width="100%" alt="PROOF" /></a>
+<h3>PROOF</h3>
+<p>"You won't go in that dark room alone by yourself, Tommy."</p>
+<p>"Oh! won't I? You just <i>come with me</i>, and see me do it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i031.png">
+<img src="images/i031.png" width="100%" alt="INCONTROVERTIBLE" /></a>
+<h3>INCONTROVERTIBLE</h3>
+<p>"And how <i>old</i> are you, my little man?"</p>
+<p>"I'm not old at all. I'm nearly <i>new</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Force of Classic Teaching.</span>&mdash;<i>Master.</i> Now, boys, what is Hexham
+famous for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Binks Minor.</i> Making the hexameter, sir.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Waits afterwards.</i></p><br />
+<br />
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Proverbs Revised.</span>&mdash;"<i>One is better than two.</i>" <i>Mother.</i> You are a very
+naughty little girl!</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>after some thought</i>). Aren't you glad I wasn't twins, mummy?</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i032.png">
+<img src="images/i032.png" width="100%" alt="MISUNDERSTOOD" /></a>
+<h3>MISUNDERSTOOD</h3>
+<p><i>Mild Old Gentleman rescues a bun which child has dropped in the mud.</i></p>
+<p><i>Child</i> (<i>all aglow with righteous indignation</i>). "That's <i>my</i> bun!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">True Sentiment.</span>&mdash;"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie&mdash;that pretty
+lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to
+send her?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mummie; give her my love, and say I never look at a little black
+pig now without thinking of <i>her</i>!"</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i033.png">
+<img src="images/i033.png" width="100%" alt="Chemist. Pills, eh" /></a>
+<p><i>Chemist.</i> "Pills, eh?" (<i>Emphasising question</i>) "Anti-bilious?"</p>
+<p><i>Child</i> (<i>readily</i>). "No, sir; uncle is!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i034.png">
+<img src="images/i034.png" width="100%" alt="give grandpa a kiss" /></a>
+<p><i>Mother.</i> "Now, dear, why don't you run away and give
+grandpa a kiss?" <i>Child</i> (<i>somewhat nonplussed by grandpapa's moustache
+and beard</i>). "I don't see any place for it, mamma!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i035.png"></a>
+<img src="images/i035.png" width="100%" alt="Sauce for the Goose" />
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Sauce for the Goose</span>," &amp;c.&mdash;<i>Ethel.</i> "Mummy dear, why did
+you tell Richard you 'weren't at home' just now?" (<i>Pause.</i>) "Mummy, I
+mean&mdash;&mdash;" <i>Mamma.</i> "When Sir Fusby Dodderidge called? Why, Ethel dear,
+because he bores me." <i>Ethel.</i> "Oh!" (<i>After thoughtfully considering
+the matter with regard to her governess</i>). "Then may I say I'm not at
+home when Miss Krux calls to-morrow? for <i>she</i> bores <i>me</i> awfully?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i036.png">
+<img src="images/i036.png" width="100%" alt="At the Rink" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">At the Rink.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Girl.</i> "Oh, Captain Sprawler, <i>do</i>
+put on your skates, and show me the funny figures you can make."
+<i>Captain S.</i> "My dear child, I'm only a beginner. I can't make any
+figures." <i>Little Girl.</i> "But Mabel said you were skating yesterday, and
+cut a <i>ridiculous</i> figure!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Little Knowledge.</span>&mdash;<i>Daisy</i> (<i>who has been studying
+Chrysanthemums</i>).&mdash;Maisy, do you know what's a <i>Double Begonia</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Maisy</i> (<i>who has been studying the Classics</i>).&mdash;"Double Big-onia"? Yes!
+Of course, it's the plural of one big onion.</p><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Maidenly Etiquette.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Chris</i> (<i>&aelig;tat eight</i>). I've a birthday
+party on Thursday, Evie. I should like you to come.</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Evie</i> (<i>&aelig;tat nine</i>). I should love to, dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Chris.</i> But I couldn't, you know, unless you asked me to tea
+first.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">In the Library.</span>&mdash;<i>Tommy.</i> How beautifully those books is binded!</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Dot.</i> No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you
+should say, "are bounded."</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Superlative Assurance.</span>&mdash;<i>Papa</i> (To Little Chris). I can't quite
+understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith
+Jones, whom you met?</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Chris</i> (<i>stoutly</i>). All I know is, it was the <i>third eldest</i> Mr.
+Jones.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i037.png">
+<img src="images/i037.png" width="100%" alt="Mabel stroking kitten" /></a>
+<p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>stroking kitten, a new present</i>). "Mother,
+kitty's so hot! Ought she to sit so near the fire?" (<i>Kitten purrs.</i>)
+"Oh, mother, listen! She's beginning to boil!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Virtue of Necessity.</span>&mdash;<i>Aunt Maria.</i> What a good little boy to leave
+your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Master Douglas.</i> Oh, mother always <i>makes</i> us do nasty things and
+things we don't like.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Master Tommy's Receipts.</span>&mdash;(<i>The Fair Weather Barometer.</i>) This is a
+pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in
+equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior
+of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local
+disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at
+"very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention,
+permanent fair weather.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">At the Board School.</span>&mdash;<i>Inspector.</i> Now, can any of you children state
+what is likely to be the future of China?</p>
+
+<p><i>One Maiden</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). Please sir, father says that China's
+like him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> Like him! What do you mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Maiden.</i> Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Class dismissed immediately.</i></p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i038.png">
+<img src="images/i038.png" width="100%" alt="AN INNOCENT HINT" /></a>
+<h3>AN INNOCENT HINT</h3>
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> "What is Nellie's nose for?"</p>
+<p><i>Nellie</i> (<i>doubtfully</i>). "To smell with."</p>
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> "And what is Nellie's mouth for?"</p>
+<p><i>Nellie</i> (<i>cautiously</i>). "To eat with."</p>
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> "And what are Nellie's ears for?"</p>
+<p><i>Nellie</i> (<i>confidently</i>). "Ear-rings."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Little Knowledge!</span>&mdash;<i>Miss Tomboy.</i> Mamma, I think those French women
+were beastly rude.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother.</i> You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
+And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Tomboy.</i> Well, they <i>were</i> rude. They called me a little cabbage
+(<i>mon petit chou</i>). The next time they do that I shall call them old
+French beans.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Soliloquy.</span>&mdash;"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They
+won't buy it for me at home&mdash;too soon after Christmas. Must go in and
+ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or
+something; then mother 'll buy it me!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"</h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school,</p>
+<p class="i0">Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool;</p>
+<p class="i0">Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright,</p>
+<p class="i0">Johnnie could never do anything right.</p>
+<p class="i0">Genius often is known to fail;</p>
+<p class="i0">Tommy turned forger, and went to jail.</p>
+<p class="i0">Johnnie, though slow as he well could be,</p>
+<p class="i0">Plodded away and became M.P.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i039.png">
+<img src="images/i039.png" width="100%" alt="Conservation of Tissue" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Conservation of Tissue.</span>"&mdash;<i>Uncle.</i> "Well, Tommy, you see
+I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?"
+<i>Miss.</i> "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five
+tarts, and&mdash;&mdash;" <i>Uncle.</i> "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" <i>Tommy.</i>
+"No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i040.png">
+<img src="images/i040.png" width="100%" alt="Benevolent Old Gentleman" /></a>
+<p><i>Benevolent Old Gentleman.</i> "Now then, little boy. What
+do you mean by bullying that little girl? Don't you know it's very
+cruel?"</p>
+<p><i>Rude Little Boy.</i> "Garn! wot's the trouble? <i>She's my Sweetheart!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<img src="images/i041.png" width="100%" alt="Well little lady" />
+<p><i>Grandpapa.</i> "Well little lady, will you give me a lock
+of that pretty hair of yours?" <i>Marjory.</i> "Yes, granpa';
+but"&mdash;(<i>hesitating</i>)&mdash;"I don't fink <i>one</i> lock would be enough, would
+it?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i042.png">
+<img src="images/i042.png" width="130%0" alt="DADDY&#39;S WAISTCOAT" /></a>
+<h3>"DADDY'S WAISTCOAT"</h3>
+<h4>(<i>Sketched from Life in Drury Lane.</i>)</h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i043.png">
+<img src="images/i043.png" width="100%" alt="A STORY WITHOUT WORDS" /></a>
+<h3>A STORY WITHOUT WORDS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Case for the Defence.</span>&mdash;<i>Mother.</i> Oh, Dicky, what terrible things you
+do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Happy Thought.</span>&mdash;"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an <i>N</i>! Don't
+you know the difference between a <i>window</i> and a <i>widow</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir. You can see through <i>one</i>&mdash;and&mdash;and&mdash;you can't see through
+the <i>other</i>, sir!"</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">The Young Idea Again.</span>&mdash;(<span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Fourth-standard room of an elementary
+school. Children reading.</i>) <i>Inspector</i> (<i>to the Teacher</i>). What are
+they reading about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teacher.</i> American Indians.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> I will ask them a few questions. (<i>To children.</i>) What is a
+Red Indian's wife called? (<i>Many hands up</i>). Tell me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Scholar.</i> A squaw, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inspector.</i> What is a Red Indian's baby called? (<i>Silence. At last a
+boy volunteers.</i>) Well, my boy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Boy.</i> Please, sir, a squaker!</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i044.png"></a>
+<img src="images/i044.png" width="100%" alt="CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS" />
+<h3>A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT THIS FESTIVE SEASON</h3>
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> "Why, my dearest Albert, what are you crying for?&mdash;so good,
+too, as you have been all day!"</p>
+<p><i>Spoiled Little Boy.</i> "Boo-hoo! I've eaten so&mdash;m-much be-eef and
+t-turkey, that I can't eat any p-p-plum p-p-pudding!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Oh, what a very greedy little fellow.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Modern Paris.</span>&mdash;<i>Schoolmaster.</i> Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses
+Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with
+this apple?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown Minimus.</i> Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it?</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Point unsettled in History.</span>&mdash;<i>Lucy</i> (<i>to her elder sister who has just
+been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell</i>). And was
+the little boy allowed to <i>eat</i> the apple afterwards?</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Master Tommy's Receipts.</span>&mdash;(<i>Household ginger beer.</i>)&mdash;Empty the kitchen
+spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the
+wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and
+stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the
+water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from
+every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">In Distress.</span>&mdash;Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid
+dog <i>staring at me with his teeth</i>.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i045.png">
+<img src="images/i045.png" width="100%" alt="Child in berth of night steamer" /></a>
+<p><i>Child</i> (<i>in berth of night steamer</i>). "Mummy, I'm so
+sleepy. I want to go to bed." <i>Mother.</i> "But you <i>are</i> in bed dear."
+<i>Child.</i> "No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i046.png">
+<img src="images/i046.png" width="100%" alt="The Force of Example" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">The Force of Example.</span>&mdash;(<i>This is the second time that
+Madge has pricked her finger&mdash;the first time it bled so much that mamma
+felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's
+turn</i>). <i>Mamma.</i> "Well, what's the matter with <i>you</i>, Jack?" <i>Jack.</i>
+"Oh! I feel rather <i>faint</i>, that's all. <i>Is there such a thing as a bun
+in the house?</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i047.png">
+<img src="images/i047.png" width="100%" alt="The Festive Season" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">The Festive Season.</span>&mdash;<i>Tommy</i> (<i>criticising the menu of
+the coming feast</i>). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind
+you put plenty of rum into the <i>baba</i>&mdash;Dolly and Molly like it, you
+know&mdash;and so do I!" <i>Monsieur Cordonbleu</i> (<i>retained for the occasion</i>).
+"Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to
+dine viz de compagnie?" <i>Tommy.</i> "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to
+sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i048.png">
+<img src="images/i048.png" width="100%" alt="At the Zoo" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">At the Zoo.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Girl</i> (<i>after seeing many queer
+beasts</i>). "But there aren't <i>really</i> such animals, nurse, are there?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049.png">
+<img src="images/i049.png" width="100%" alt="At the Christmas Party" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">At the Christmas Party.</span>&mdash;<i>Uncle George.</i> "Don't over-eat
+yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age." <i>Jimmy</i>
+(<i>sotto voce</i>). "When did you begin, then?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i050.png">
+<img src="images/i050.png" width="100%" alt="AN EARLY PURITAN" /></a>
+<h3>AN EARLY PURITAN</h3>
+<p><i>Bobby</i> (<i>who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and
+doesn't like it</i>). "I'll write and tell papa!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i051.png">
+<img src="images/i051.png" width="100%" alt="Mrs. Brown leads you by the nose" /></a>
+<p><i>Gertie.</i> "Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads
+you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i052.png">
+<img src="images/i052.png" width="100%" alt="At a Christmas Juvenile Party" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">At a Christmas Juvenile Party.</span>&mdash;<i>Aunt Florence.</i> "I will
+find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any
+choice?" <i>Miss Ethel.</i> "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a
+<i>moustache</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i053.png">
+<img src="images/i053.png" width="100%" alt="A Cry from the Heart" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Cry from the Heart.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Dunce</i> (<i>looking up
+suddenly from her history book</i>). "Oh, mummy, darling, I <i>do</i> so wish
+I'd lived under James the Second!" <i>Mamma.</i> "Why?" <i>Little Dunce.</i>
+"Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his
+reign!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i054.png">
+<img src="images/i054.png" width="100%4" alt="A Big Pill" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Big Pill.</span>&mdash;"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum&mdash;mummy&mdash;I
+dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i055.png">
+<img src="images/i055.png" width="100%" alt="What would you like to eat" /></a>
+<p><i>Hostess.</i> "What would you like to eat, Effie?" <i>Effie.</i>
+"Cake." <i>Mother</i> (<i>reprovingly</i>). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've
+forgotten? Pl&mdash;&mdash;" <i>Effie.</i> "Pl&mdash;um!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Overheard at the Zoo.</span>&mdash;(<i>A fact.</i>)&mdash;<i>Small child</i> (<i>pointing to the
+hippopotamus</i>). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!</p>
+
+<p><i>Better-informed parent.</i> That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a
+crocydile!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Infant Agonies.</span>&mdash;<i>Small boy.</i> Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?</p>
+
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> No!</p>
+
+<p><i>Small boy.</i> Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered&mdash;a beastie!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Inadequate Hospitality.</span>&mdash;"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mummy; but I'm <i>so</i> hungry. There was only a <i>now and then</i> tea,
+you know; with no chairs, and no grace!"</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Nature's Logic.</span>&mdash;<i>Papa.</i> How is it, Alice, that <i>you</i> never get a prize
+at school?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many?</p>
+
+<p><i>Alice</i> (<i>innocently</i>). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents!</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i056.png">
+<img src="images/i056.png" width="100%" alt="Fiat Experimentum" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Fiat Experimentum</span>," &amp;c.&mdash;Scene&mdash;<i>A Christmas family
+gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest</i> (<i>violently awakened
+out of his morning snooze.</i>) "Who'sh there?" <i>The Grandchildren</i>
+(<i>shouting in chorus, and banging at his door</i>). "Oh, Mr.
+Bulkley&mdash;please&mdash;Mr. Bulkley&mdash;do get up&mdash;and go on the pond&mdash;'pa
+says&mdash;'cause&mdash;gran'ma says&mdash;we may&mdash;if it'll bear you&mdash;it'll bear us!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i057.png">
+<img src="images/i057.png" width="100%" alt="SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY" /></a>
+<h3>SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY</h3>
+<p><i>Ada.</i> "What horrid things <i>black-beetles</i> are, Miss Grimm! The kitchen
+is full of them!"</p>
+<p><i>The Governess.</i> "I agree with you, Ada! But as they are not <i>beetles</i>,
+and not <i>black</i>, perhaps you will call them <i>cock-roaches</i> for the
+future!"</p>
+<p><i>Ada.</i> "Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are not <i>roaches</i>, and not
+<i>cocks</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Conscientious Child.</span>&mdash;"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> I can strike a match on <i>my</i> trousers, like Uncle Bob. Can
+<i>you</i>, auntie?</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i058.png">
+<img src="images/i058.png" width="600" height="500" alt="You must put your dolls away" title="" /></a>
+<p><i>Mother.</i> "You must put your dolls away to-day. It's
+Sunday."</p>
+<p><i>Little Girl.</i> "Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at
+Sunday school!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Confused Associations.</span>&mdash;"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"</p>
+
+<p>"They lived in groves of oak."</p>
+
+<p>"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"</p>
+
+<p>"Er&mdash;let me see&mdash;Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i059.png">
+<img src="images/i059.png" width="100%" alt="And how did it happen, dear" /></a>
+<p><i>Grandmamma.</i> "And how did it happen, dear?"</p>
+<p><i>Master Tom.</i> "It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Master Tommy's Receipts.</span>&mdash;(<i>To cure a smoky chimney.</i>) Get out on to the
+roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and
+eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the
+chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now
+sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i060.png">
+<img src="images/i060.png" width="100%" alt="And it was only yesterday" /></a>
+<p>And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining
+to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to
+have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.&mdash;Butter-slides are very
+effective.)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Evidence of the Senses.</span>&mdash;<i>Mamma.</i> How <i>dare</i> you slap your sister,
+George?</p>
+
+<p><i>George.</i> She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very
+much, I can tell you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> Where did she hurt you?</p>
+
+<p><i>George.</i> Well, I can't azactly say <i>where</i>, because&mdash;because my back
+was turned, and I was looking another way!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Pursuit of Knowledge.</span>&mdash;<i>Son and heir</i> (<i>whose inquiring turn of mind is
+occasionally a nuisance</i>). Say, 'pa, what's a v'cab'lary?</p>
+
+<p><i>Father.</i> A vocabulary, my boy&mdash;what d'you want to know that for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Son.</i> 'Cause I heard 'ma say she'd no idea what a tremenjous v'cab'lary
+you'd got, till you missed the train on Saturday!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">At the Sunday School</span>&mdash;<i>Teacher.</i> Now, Mary Brown, you understand what is
+meant by baptism?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Brown.</i> Oh, <i>I</i> know, teacher! It's what Dr. Franklin did on
+baby's arm last Toosday!</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i061.png"></a>
+<img src="images/i061.png" width="100%" alt="A little Christmas Dream" />
+<p><span class="smcap">A little Christmas Dream.</span>&mdash;Mr. L. Figuier, in the thesis
+which precedes his interesting work on the world before the flood,
+condemns the practice of awakening the youthful mind to admiration by
+means of fables and fairy tales, and recommends, in lieu thereof, the
+study of the natural history of the world in which we live. Fired by
+this advice, we have tried the experiment on our eldest, an imaginative
+boy of six. We have cut off his "Cinderella" and his "Puss in Boots,"
+and introduced him to some of the more peaceful fauna of the preadamite
+world, as they appear restored in Mr. Figuier's book. The poor boy has
+not had a decent night's rest ever since!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Young, but Practical.</span>&mdash;"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine
+o'clock! What will <i>papa</i> say when he comes home?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, papa! <i>He'll</i> say, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'"</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Realist in Fiction.</span>&mdash;"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!"</p>
+
+<p>"No, dear. It was imagination!"</p>
+
+<p>"Are 'maginations white behind?"</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Improving the Shining Hour.</span>&mdash;<i>The new Governess.</i> What are the
+comparative and superlative of <i>bad</i>, Berty?</p>
+
+<p><i>Berty</i> (<i>the Doctor's son</i>). Bad&mdash;worse&mdash;dead.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Capital Choice.</span>&mdash;<i>Cousin Amy.</i> So you haven't made up your mind yet
+what <i>profession</i> you're going to be when you grow up, Bobby.</p>
+
+<p><i>Bobby.</i> Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it's called, you know, but
+it's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and dogs, and all
+that!</p>
+
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Bobby's papa is a curate, with &pound;200 a year.</i>
+</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i062.png">
+<img src="images/i062.png" width="100%" alt="EARLY INGENUITY" /></a>
+<h3>EARLY INGENUITY.</h3>
+<p>"Whatever <i>are</i> you children doing?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to fit them on to
+the baby, 'cos he hasn't got any!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE SICK CHILD</h2>
+
+<center>BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A weakness seizes on my mind&mdash;I would more pudding take;</p>
+<p class="i0">But all in vain&mdash;I feel&mdash;I feel&mdash;my little head will ache.</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,</p>
+<p class="i0">And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.</p>
+<p class="i0">I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore</p>
+<p class="i0">That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,</p>
+<p class="i0">Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,</p>
+<p class="i0">In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.</p>
+<p class="i0">It may be so&mdash;I cannot tell&mdash;I yet may do without;</p>
+<p class="i0">They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.</p>
+<p class="i0">I long to cut that potted beef&mdash;to taste that apple-pie;</p>
+<p class="i0">I long&mdash;I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.</p>
+<p class="i0">I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;</p>
+<p class="i0">Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!</p>
+<p class="i0">Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.</p>
+<p class="i0">My brain swims round&mdash;I feel it all&mdash;mother, your child is queer!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><i>Alix</i> (<i>aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with
+loyal sentiments</i>). And was the Queen weally named after me?</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i063.png">
+<img src="images/i063.png" width="100%" alt="A Toothsome Morsel" /></a>
+<p>A Toothsome Morsel.&mdash;<i>Distracted Nurse.</i> "Gracious, children,
+what <i>are</i> you doing?"</p>
+<p><i>Children.</i> "Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the
+flies off him!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i064.png">
+<img src="images/i064.png" width="100%" alt="Drat the boy" /></a>
+<p>"Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that
+fowl's leg for?"</p>
+<p>"'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i065.png">
+<img src="images/i065.png" width="100%" alt="Snooks who fancies himself" /></a>
+<p><i>Snooks</i> (<i>who fancies himself very much</i>). "What's she
+crying for?"</p>
+<p><i>Arabella.</i> "It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she saw <i>you</i>
+she thought it was a <i>man</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i066.png">
+<img src="images/i066.png" width="100%" alt="BLAS&Eacute;" /></a>
+<h3>BLAS&Eacute;</h3>
+<p><i>Kitty</i> (<i>reading a fairy tale</i>). "'Once upon a time there was a
+frog&mdash;&mdash;'"</p>
+<p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Physics.</span>&mdash;"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you
+know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"</p>
+
+<p>"O, yes, mamma!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pickles!"</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>
+
+<p><i>Mother.</i> Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dorothy</i> (<i>after weighing the question</i>). Which is the most, mother?</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i067.png">
+<img src="images/i067.png" width="100%" alt="THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION" /></a>
+<h3>THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION</h3>
+<p><i>Small Boy.</i> "Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop
+ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells '<i>'all</i>' with a <i>haitch</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i068.png">
+<img src="images/i068.png" width="100%" alt="GETTING ON" /></a>
+<h3>"GETTING ON."</h3>
+<p>"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?"</p>
+<p>"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I
+can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want
+to do it without the wall at all!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i069.png">
+<img src="images/i069.png" width="100%" alt="Laying down the Law" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Laying down the Law.</span>&mdash;<i>Lady</i> (<i>entertaining friend's little girl</i>). "Do you take sugar,
+darling?"
+<i>The Darling.</i> "Yes, please."
+<i>Lady.</i> "How many lumps?"
+<i>The Darling.</i> "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with
+cake."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/i070.png">
+<img src="images/i070.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;ll come and see you every day" /></a>
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see
+you every day while you are ill."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p>"<span class="smcap">A Soft Answer</span>," &amp;c.&mdash;<i>Mamma</i>. You are very naughty children, and I am
+extremely dis-satisfied with you all!</p>
+
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> That <i>is</i> a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with
+<i>you</i>, you know!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Comprehensive.</span>&mdash;<i>Preceptor.</i> Now, can any of you tell me anything
+remarkable in the life of Moses?</p>
+
+<p><i>Boy.</i> Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at
+once!</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i071.png">
+<img src="images/i071.png" width="100%" alt="A BARGAIN" /></a>
+<h3>A BARGAIN.</h3>
+<p>"I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this
+'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, <i>I'll go quiet</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>
+
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Little Miss Logic.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Dot</i> (<i>to Eminent Professor of Chemistry</i>).
+Are you a chemist?</p>
+
+<p><i>Eminent Professor.</i> Yes, my dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>L. D.</i> Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the
+window?</p>
+
+<p><i>E. P.</i> No, my dear; I don't keep a shop.</p>
+
+<p>L. D. Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough
+Jujubes?</p>
+
+<p><i>E. P.</i> No, my dear, I certainly do not.</p>
+
+<p><i>L. D.</i> (<i>decidedly</i>). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more.
+You can't be a respectable chemist.</p>
+
+<p><i>E. P.</i> Why not, my dear?</p>
+
+<p><i>L. D.</i> 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all <i>respectable</i> chemists."</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">At the School Treat.</span>&mdash;<i>Lady Helper</i> (<i>to Small Boy</i>). Will you have some
+more bread-and-butter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy.</i> No fear, when there's kike about.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady Helper</i> (<i>trying to be kind</i>). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum
+or seed?</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy.</i> Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary?</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i072.png">
+<img src="images/i072.png" width="100%" alt="A QUESTION OF HEREDITY" /></a>
+<h3>A QUESTION OF HEREDITY</h3>
+<p><i>Hal.</i> "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?"</p>
+<p><i>Martha.</i> "Oh no, it's only a little cracked."</p>
+<p><i>Hal.</i> "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little
+mad?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i073.png">
+<img src="images/i073.png" width="100%" alt="Natural History" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Natural History.</span>&mdash;"Oh, <i>look</i>, mummie! Now it's left off
+raining, he's come out of his kennel!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i074.png">
+<img src="images/i074.png" width="100%" alt="I hanged up muvver&#39;s" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Sensible Child.</span>&mdash;"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your
+stocking for Santa Claus to fill?" "No. I hanged up muvver's!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i075.png">
+<img src="images/i075.png" width="100%" alt="Look what I&#39;ve bought you" /></a>
+<p>"Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Had Him There.</span>&mdash;<i>Uncle Jim.</i> Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I
+need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "<i>the half is
+greater than the whole</i>!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a
+whole one.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An Eye to the Main Chance.</span>&mdash;<i>The Major.</i> You're a very nice fellow,
+Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i076.png">
+<img src="images/i076.png" width="100%" alt="LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION" /></a>
+<h3>LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION</h3>
+<p><i>Kind-hearted Old Gent.</i> "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and
+where do you live!"</p>
+<p><i>Chorus.</i> "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i077.png">
+<img src="images/i077.png" width="100%" alt="Sancta Simplicitas" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Sancta Simplicitas.</span>"&mdash;"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have <i>smiled</i> so
+often at me in church?"</p>
+<p>"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"</p>
+<p>"Behind me."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i078.png">
+<img src="images/i078.png" width="100%" alt="Philanthropic Old Lady" /></a>
+<p><i>Philanthropic Old Lady</i> (<i>to little boy caressing dog</i>).
+"That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals."
+<i>Little Boy.</i> "Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's
+I've got him quiet."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i079.png">
+<img src="images/i079.png" width="100%" alt="Poor likkle doggie" /></a>
+<p>"Poor likkle doggie&mdash;hasn't got any fevvers on!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%">
+<a href="images/i080.png">
+<img src="images/i080.png" width="100%" alt="Wish I could catch a cold" /></a>
+<p><i>Master Tom.</i> "Wish I could catch a cold just before
+Christmas."</p>
+<p><i>Effie.</i> "Why?"</p>
+<p><i>Master Tom.</i> "Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I?
+<i>Just!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i081.png">
+<img src="images/i081.png" width="100%" alt="may I have the fairy" /></a>
+<p>"<i>Please</i>, auntie, <i>may</i> I have the fairy off the
+Christmas tree&mdash;<i>if I don't ask you for it</i>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i082.png">
+<img src="images/i082.png" width="100%" alt="Shocked Mother" /></a>
+<p><i>Shocked Mother.</i> "Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?"
+<i>Tommy</i> (<i>who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary
+course at the village school</i>). "Fighting with Billy Brown."
+<i>Mother.</i> "That horrid boy at the farm? Don't you <i>ever</i> quarrel with
+him again!"
+<i>Tommy.</i> "I ain't likely to. He can <i>lick</i> me!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i083.png">
+<img src="images/i083.png" width="100%" alt="RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY" /></a>
+<h3>RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY</h3>
+<p>"May I <i>leave</i> this piece of bread, nurse?"</p>
+<p>"Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come
+when you'll <i>want</i> a piece of bread!"</p>
+<p>"Then I'd better <i>keep</i> this piece of bread till I <i>do</i> want it, nurse.
+Hadn't I?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i084.png">
+<img src="images/i084.png" width="100%" alt="Blue Fever" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Blue Fever.</span>&mdash;<i>Visitor</i> (<i>after a long discourse on the
+virtues of temperance</i>). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the
+blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Billie Groggins.</i> "Please, sir, I'm <i>Hoxford</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i085.png">
+<img src="images/i085.png" width="100%" alt="just ain&#39;t people proud" /></a>
+<p>"Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Discussion on Diet.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Chris</i> (<i>to little Kate</i>.) Does your
+governess get ill on mince pies?</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Kate.</i> I don't know! Why?</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Chris.</i> 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat
+any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she <i>must</i> have been
+so herself.</p>
+
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in
+question.</i>
+</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i086.png">
+<img src="images/i086.png" width="100%" alt="WHAT IS IT" /></a>
+<h3>WHAT IS IT?</h3>
+<p><i>First Boy</i> (<i>loq.</i>). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!&mdash;I seen it move!"</p>
+<p><i>Second Do.</i> "I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!&mdash;I can see 'is
+ears!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i087.png">
+<img src="images/i087.png" width="100%" alt="that&#39;s what I&#39;ve done for the cow-drawing competition" title="" /></a>
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> "Auntie, that's what I've done for the
+cow-drawing competition at school."
+<i>Auntie.</i> "But it is more like a horse than a cow."
+<i>Dolly.</i> "It <i>is</i> a horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i088.png">
+<img src="images/i088.png" width="100%" alt="THE GENTLE CRAFT" /></a>
+<h3>"THE GENTLE CRAFT"</h3>
+<p><i>Preceptor</i> (<i>after a lecture</i>). "Now, what are the principal things
+that are obtained from the earth?"</p>
+<p><i>Pupil</i> (<i>and "disciple of Izaak Walton"</i>). "Worms, sir!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Loses fifty marks!</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i089.png">
+<img src="images/i089.png" width="100%" alt="A Confession" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Confession.</span>&mdash;<i>Day Governess.</i> "How is it your French
+exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?"</p>
+<p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>after considering awhile</i>). "I don't think auntie knows
+Latin."</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i090.png">
+<img src="images/i090.png" width="100%" alt="What are you doing" /></a>
+<p>"What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?"
+"Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i091.png">
+<img src="images/i091.png" width="100%" alt="RETALIATION" /></a>
+<h3>RETALIATION</h3>
+<p>"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten
+you?"</p>
+<p>"No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i092.png">
+<img src="images/i092.png" width="100%" alt="A REMINISCENCE OF LENT" /></a>
+<h3>A REMINISCENCE OF LENT</h3>
+<p>"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up
+something you were fond of?&mdash;<i>sugar</i>, for instance,&mdash;as I suggested?"</p>
+<p>"Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactly <i>sugar</i>, you know! It was
+<i>soap</i> we agreed to give up!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i093.png">
+<img src="images/i093.png" width="100%" alt="SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION" /></a>
+<h3>SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION</h3>
+<p><i>Ethel</i> (<i>to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new
+governess</i>). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!"</p>
+<p><i>Jack.</i> "Bosh! who cares! This ain't a <i>real</i> corner, you know!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i094.png"></a>
+<img src="images/i094.png" width="100%" alt="A CANDID INQUIRER" />
+<h3>A CANDID INQUIRER</h3>
+<p>"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?"</p>
+<p>"No, sir, I think not&mdash;except water!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i095.png">
+<img src="images/i095.png" width="100%" alt="Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o&#39; Scots" title="" /></a>
+<p><i>Eva.</i> "Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o'
+Scots." <i>Tom.</i> "So am I then, Eva."
+<i>Eva.</i> "Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i096.png">
+<img src="images/i096.png" width="100%" alt="Is it a  board school you go to" title="" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Gent.</i> "Is it a <i>board school</i> you go to, my dear?"
+<i>Child.</i> "No, sir. I believe it be a <i>brick</i> one!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i097.png">
+<img src="images/i097.png" width="100%" alt="Is your wound sore" /></a>
+<p><i>Kitty.</i> "Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?"
+<i>Mr. Pup.</i> "Wound! What wound?"
+<i>Kitty.</i> "Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i098.png">
+<img src="images/i098.png" width="100%" alt="How many steps can you jump, grandma?" /></a>
+<p><i>Little Boy.</i> "How many steps can you jump, grandma? I
+can jump <i>four</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i099.png">
+<img src="images/i099.png" width="100%" alt="INDUCTION" /></a>
+<h3>INDUCTION</h3>
+<p>"Is this the <i>new</i> baby, daddy?"&mdash;"Yes, dear."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, he's got no teeth!"&mdash;"No, dear."</p>
+
+<p>"And he's got no hair!"&mdash;"No, dear."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, daddy, it <i>must</i> be an <i>old</i> baby!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i100.png">
+<img src="images/i100.png" width="100%" alt="It&#39;s an ill wind" /></a><br /><br />
+<h3>"It's an ill wind blows nobody good."</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><i>Horrified little girl</i> (<i>seeing her mamma in evening dress for the
+first time</i>). Oh, mummy, you're <i>never</i> going down like that! You've
+forgotten to put on your top part!</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i101.png">
+<img src="images/i101.png" width="100%" alt="Come &#39;ere out of the rine" /></a>
+<p>"Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">English History.</span>&mdash;"And who was the king who had so many wives?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bluebeard!"</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i102.png">
+<img src="images/i102.png" width="100%" alt="HER FIRST WASP" /></a>
+<h3>HER FIRST WASP</h3>
+<p><i>Poor Effie (who has been stung).</i> "First it walked about all over my
+hand, and it <i>was</i> so nice! But oh!&mdash;<i>when it sat down</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i103.png">
+<img src="images/i103.png" width="100%" alt="Very Natural" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Very Natural.</span>&mdash;"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to
+me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax
+vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!"</p>
+<p>"O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i104.png">
+<img src="images/i104.png" width="100%" alt="True Distinction" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">True Distinction.</span>&mdash;
+<i>Mamma (improving the occasion).</i> "I like your new suit immensely,
+Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the
+gentleman!" <i>Gerald.</i> "No, mamma! I know it's the <i>hat</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i105.png">
+<img src="images/i105.png" width="100%" alt="Little Montague" /></a>
+<p><i>Little Montague.</i> "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!"
+<i>Father.</i> "Were you? And what was he like, eh?"
+<i>Little Montague.</i> "Oh, I couldn't see him&mdash;it was dark, you know. But
+when he bumped himself on the washstand he said&mdash;&mdash;"
+<i>Father (hastily).</i> "There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i106.png">
+<img src="images/i106.png" width="100%" alt="A Rara Avis" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Rara Avis.</span>&mdash;<i>Little Girl (finishing her description of
+the Battle of Cressy).</i> "And ever since then the Prince of Wales has
+been born with feathers!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i107.png">
+<img src="images/i107.png" width="100%" alt="A Head for Business" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Head for Business.</span>&mdash;
+<i>Mamma.</i> "I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but
+in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so&mdash;&mdash;"
+<i>Bobby.</i> "Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give
+it me to-morrow?"
+<i>Mamma.</i> "Give you what, dear?"
+<i>Bobby.</i> "The threepenny bit you <i>meant</i> to give me to-day!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i108.png">
+<img src="images/i108.png" width="100%" alt="CHILD OF THE PERIOD" /></a>
+<h3>THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD</h3>
+<p>"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as
+well as nurse?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i109.png">
+<img src="images/i109.png" width="100%" alt="may I&mdash;have gas" /></a>
+<h3>BEFORE THE HEAD</h3>
+<p><i>Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist).</i>
+"Please, sir, may I&mdash;may I&mdash;have gas?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Adding Insult to Injury.</span>&mdash;"Mamma, <i>isn't</i> it very wicked to do behind
+one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, Effie!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i110.png">
+<img src="images/i110.png" width="100%" alt="By Authority" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">By Authority.</span>"&mdash;<i>Street Boy (sternly).</i> "P'lice-Serge'nt
+says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (<i>more
+meekly</i>) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i111.png">
+<img src="images/i111.png" width="100%" alt="Wiv our comb" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from
+one of his tenants).</i> "And how does your mother make all these beautiful
+patterns on the pats, my dear?"
+<i>Messenger.</i> "<i>Wiv our comb, sir!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i112.png">
+<img src="images/i112.png" width="100%" alt="A FATAL OBJECTION" /></a>
+<h3>A FATAL OBJECTION</h3>
+<p>"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I
+hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very
+expensive!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i113.png">
+<img src="images/i113.png" width="100%" alt="Have you lost yourself" /></a>
+<p><i>Lady.</i> "Have you lost yourself, little boy?"</p>
+<p><i>Little Boy.</i> "No&mdash;boo-hoo&mdash;I've found a street I don't know!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i114.png">
+<img src="images/i114.png" width="100%" alt="ENFANT TERRIBLE" /></a>
+<h3>"ENFANT TERRIBLE"</h3>
+<p>"I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor. <i>Please</i> drink it!"</p>
+<p>"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?"</p>
+<p>"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you&mdash;&mdash;!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i115.png">
+<img src="images/i115.png" width="100%" alt="SPREAD OF EDUCATION" /></a>
+<h3>THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION</h3>
+<p>"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's
+'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i116.png">
+<img src="images/i116.png" width="100%" alt="WELL OUT OF IT" /></a>
+<h3>"WELL OUT OF IT"</h3>
+<p><i>Uncle.</i> "And you love your enemies, Ethel?"</p>
+<p><i>Ethel (promptly).</i> "Yeth, uncle."</p>
+<p><i>Uncle.</i> "And who are your enemies, dear?"</p>
+<p><i>Ethel (in an awful whisper).</i> "The dev&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the
+subject.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i117.png">
+<img src="images/i117.png" width="100%" alt="OUR CHILDREN" /></a>
+<h3>OUR CHILDREN</h3>
+<p><i>Nurse.</i> "You dreadful children! Where <i>have</i> you been?"</p>
+<p><i>Young Hopeful.</i> "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear
+little ducks, but they <i>will</i> come to the top!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i118.png">
+<img src="images/i118.png" width="100%" alt="Because their mothers won&#39;t let them" /></a>
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> "Do you know you are playing with two very
+naughty little boys, Johnny?"
+<i>Johnny.</i> "Yes."
+<i>Auntie.</i> "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little
+boys?"
+<i>Johnny.</i> "Because their mothers won't let them!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i119.png">
+<img src="images/i119.png" width="100%" alt="TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK" /></a>
+<h3>TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK</h3>
+<p><i>Gwendoline.</i> "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession,
+and I think he's quite right!"</p>
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> "Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?"</p>
+<p><i>Gwendoline.</i> "I mean to be a professional beauty!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i120.png">
+<img src="images/i120.png" width="100%" alt="EXPERIENTIA DOCET" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">EXPERIENTIA DOCET.</span>&mdash;<i>Master George (whispers).</i> "I say!
+Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you '<i>a lovely spoonful of
+delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice</i>'?" <i>Miss Kitty.</i> "Ess
+Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" <i>Master George.</i> "THEN DON'T
+TAKE IT!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i121.png">
+<img src="images/i121.png" width="100%" alt="Evil Communications" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Evil Communications,</span> &amp;c.&mdash;<i>Elder of Twins.</i> "It's <i>very</i>
+vulgar to say 'you be <i>blowed</i>' to each other, like those men do. Isn't
+it, Uncle Fred?"
+<i>Uncle Fred.</i> "I believe it <i>is</i> generally considered so, my dear!"
+<i>Elder of Twins.</i> "Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know, <i>we</i> always say,
+'you be <i>blown</i>!'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i122.png">
+<img src="images/i122.png" width="100%" alt="Mens Conscia" /></a>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mens Conscia.</span>&mdash;<i>Inspector</i> (<i>who notices a backwardness
+in history</i>). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (<i>No answer.</i>)
+<i>Inspector</i> (<i>more urgently</i>). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (<i>No answer</i>.)
+<i>Inspector</i> (<i>angrily</i>). "Who signed Magna Charta?"
+<i>Scapegrace</i> (<i>thinking matters are beginning to look serious</i>).
+"Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i123.png">
+<img src="images/i123.png" width="100%" alt="Trop de Zele" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Trop de Zele!</span>"&mdash;(<i>Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been
+told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a
+nap.</i>) (<i>Tommy in the middle of the nap</i>). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I
+do? <i>I want to cough!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i124.png">
+<img src="images/i124.png" width="100%" alt="TENDER CONSIDERATION" /></a>
+<h3>TENDER CONSIDERATION</h3>
+<p>"Oh, <i>don't</i> make faces at him, Effie! It might <i>frighten</i> him, you
+know!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i125.png">
+<img src="images/i125.png" width="100%" alt="BY PROXY" /></a>
+<h3>"BY PROXY."</h3>
+<p><i>Humorous Little Boy.</i> "Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but
+one, four times, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Old Gent</i> (<i>gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children</i>).
+"Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (<i>Effusively.</i>) "Certainly,
+that I will!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the
+third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor&mdash;&mdash;Tableau!</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i126.png">
+<img src="images/i126.png" width="100%" alt="News from Home" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">News from Home.</span>&mdash;<i>Aunt Mary.</i> "I've just had a letter
+from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be
+a nice companion for you some day!"
+<i>Geoffrey.</i> "Oh!&mdash;&mdash;does mummy know?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i127.png">
+<img src="images/i127.png" width="100%" alt="UTILE CUM DULCI" /></a>
+<h3>UTILE CUM DULCI</h3>
+<p><i>Arry.</i> "Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?"</p>
+<p><i>Piscator</i> (<i>the Doctor's Boy</i>). "No, I <i>ain't</i> a comin' along with you,
+I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i128.png">
+<img src="images/i128.png" width="100%" alt="Zoology" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Zoology.</span> (<i>It appears to be coming to that at the Board
+Schools.</i>)&mdash;<i>Examiner</i> (<i>to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth
+standard</i>). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in
+regard to nesting?"
+<i>Student.</i> "Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself,
+sir!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i129.png">
+<img src="images/i129.png" width="100%" alt="FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO" /></a>
+<h3>THEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO</h3>
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> "Them ain't donkeys, Billy?"</p>
+<p><i>Billy.</i> "Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys
+on!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i130.png">
+<img src="images/i130.png" width="100%" alt="A Spoilt Story" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Spoilt Story.</span>&mdash;<i>Brown</i> (<i>in the middle of tall shooting
+story</i>). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a
+rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching
+on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" <i>Interested
+Little Boy.</i> "Oh, and which did you shoot first&mdash;the lion, or the tiger,
+or the d'lemma?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i131.png">
+<img src="images/i131.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;m in evening dress" /></a>
+<p><i>Uncle</i> (<i>about to start for a concert at Marine
+Pavilion</i>). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without
+your shoes and stockings?"
+<i>Nora.</i> "I'm in evening dress, uncle&mdash;only it's the other end."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i132.png">
+<img src="images/i132.png" width="100%" alt="The Tertium Quid" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">The Tertium Quid.</span>&mdash;"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I
+weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you."
+"Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i133.png">
+<img src="images/i133.png" width="100%" alt="A Clincher" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Clincher.</span>&mdash;"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know
+how to tell it."
+"No more do I."
+"O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i134.png"></a>
+<img src="images/i134.png" width="100%" alt="CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES" />
+<h3>CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES</h3>
+<p>"What! <i>all</i> that for grandpa."</p>
+<p>"No, darling. It's for you."</p>
+<p>"Oh! what a little bit!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i135.png">
+<img src="images/i135.png" width="100%" alt="BRUSHING PA&#39;S NEW HAT" /></a>
+<h3>BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT</h3>
+<p><i>Edith.</i> "Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all
+round."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i136.png"></a>
+<img src="images/i136.png" width="100%" alt="Mother speaking to boy" />
+<p><i>Mother.</i> "But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine
+would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd
+only break it."
+<i>Jacky.</i> "Oh, but, mother, I'd <i>promise</i> you I'd never let him even
+<i>touch</i> it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i137.png">
+<img src="images/i137.png" width="100%" alt="FESTIVE SEASON" /></a>
+<h3>THE FESTIVE SEASON</h3>
+<p><i>Precocious Infant.</i> "Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i138.png">
+<img src="images/i138.png" width="100%" alt="Different Points of View" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Different Points of View.</span>&mdash;<i>Maud</i> (<i>with much sympathy in
+her voice</i>). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery
+in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians,
+poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were
+devouring them!"
+<i>Ethel</i> (<i>with still more sympathy</i>). "Yes, and mamma dear, there was
+<i>one</i> poor tiger that <i>hadn't got</i> a christian!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i139.png">
+<img src="images/i139.png" width="100%" alt="if you promise not to say &#39;hang it" /></a>
+<p><i>Mother</i> (<i>to son, who has been growing rather free of
+speech</i>). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give
+you sixpence."
+<i>Tommy.</i> "All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth
+half-a-crown!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i140.png">
+<img src="images/i140.png" width="100%" alt="BETWEEN THE ACTS" /></a>
+<h3>BETWEEN THE ACTS</h3>
+<p><i>Governess.</i> "Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?"</p>
+<p><i>Marjorie.</i> "No&mdash;I haven't. I'm only <i>resting</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i141.png">
+<img src="images/i141.png" width="100%" alt="A Wise Child" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Wise Child.</span>&mdash;<i>Inspector.</i> "Suppose I lent your father
+&pound;100 in June, and he promised to pay me back &pound;10 on the first of every
+month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well
+before you answer."
+<i>Pupil.</i> "&pound;100, sir.
+<i>Inspector.</i> "You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the
+most elementary rules of arithmetic!"
+<i>Pupil.</i> "Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i142.png">
+<img src="images/i142.png" width="100%" alt="Conscientiousness" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Conscientiousness.</span>&mdash;<i>Miss Fitzogre.</i> "Well, good-bye,
+Percival, and be a good boy!"
+<i>Percival</i> (<i>a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to
+make personal remarks about people in their presence</i>). "Good-bye, I'll
+not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i143.png">
+<img src="images/i143.png" width="100%" alt="Why is the little girl crying" /></a>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Why is the little girl crying, missie?"
+<i>Little Girl.</i> "'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late
+nor nuffing's come'd out!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i144.png">
+<img src="images/i144.png" width="100%" alt="NOT UNLIKELY" /></a>
+<h3>NOT UNLIKELY</h3>
+<p>"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i145.png">
+<img src="images/i145.png" width="100%" alt="She&#39;s broken the pattern" /></a>
+<p><i>Dorothy</i> (<i>who has found a broken nest-egg</i>). "Oh,
+mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more
+eggs. She's broken the pattern!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i146.png">
+<img src="images/i146.png" width="100%" alt="WASTED SYMPATHY" /></a>
+<h3>WASTED SYMPATHY</h3>
+<p><i>Kind-hearted Lady.</i> "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you
+have! Is it a tooth?"</p>
+<p><i>Poor Child</i> (<i>with difficulty</i>). "No 'm&mdash;it's a sweet!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i147.png">
+<img src="images/i147.png" width="100%" alt="PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" /></a>
+<h3>PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL</h3>
+<p>"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry
+your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know
+it himself yet!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i148.png">
+<img src="images/i148.png" width="100%" alt="is that why you stutter?" /></a>
+<p><i>Softly.</i> "Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon
+in my m-m-m-outh."
+<i>Kitty.</i> "Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i149.png">
+<img src="images/i149.png" width="100%" alt="Well up in her Mythology" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Well up in her Mythology.</span>&mdash;<i>Tommy.</i> "Madge, what's
+'<i>necessitas</i>,' masculine or feminine?"
+<i>Madge.</i> "Why, feminine, of course."
+<i>Tommy.</i> "Why?"
+<i>Madge.</i> "Why, she was the mother of invention."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i150.png">
+<img src="images/i150.png" width="100%" alt="WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD" /></a>
+<h3>WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD</h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. Jinks.</i> "That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin
+like an angel."</p>
+<p><i>Tommy.</i> "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i151.png">
+<img src="images/i151.png" width="100%" alt="QUESTION AND ANSWER" /></a>
+<h3>QUESTION AND ANSWER</h3>
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> "Who was the first man, 'Lina?"</p>
+<p><i>'Lina.</i> "I forget."</p>
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"</p>
+<p><i>'Lina</i> (<i>after a thoughtful pause</i>). "Madam!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i152.png">
+<img src="images/i152.png" width="100%" alt="SHEER IGNORANCE" /></a>
+<h3>SHEER IGNORANCE</h3>
+<p><i>Benevolent Person.</i> "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"</p>
+<p><i>Boy.</i> "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i153.png">
+<img src="images/i153.png" width="100%" alt="I &#39;aven&#39;t got no foots in &#39;em" /></a>
+<p>"I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings
+up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus 'll fill 'em with presents!"
+"It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill <i>mine</i>. I 'aven't got no foots in
+'em!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i154.png">
+<img src="images/i154.png" width="100%" alt="On his Dignity" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">On his Dignity.</span>&mdash;<i>Sam.</i> "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves
+yesterday."
+<i>Auntie.</i> "Really! What are they? Kids?"
+<i>Sam.</i> "No, they're men's."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i155.png">
+<img src="images/i155.png" width="100%" alt="wot are those" /></a>
+<p><i>Sharp</i> (<i>but vulgar</i>) <i>little boy</i>. "Hallo, missus, wot
+are those?"
+<i>Old Woman.</i> "Twopence."
+<i>Boy.</i> "What a lie! They're apples."</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit, whistling popular air</i>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Difficult Case.</span>&mdash;<i>Mamma.</i> You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I
+shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. <i>Now</i> will you
+be good?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>with hesitation</i>). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after,
+mammy?</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i156.png">
+<img src="images/i156.png" width="100%" alt="Do you know what a lie is" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Gent.</i> "Do you know what a lie is, sir?"
+<i>Little Boy.</i> "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i157.png">
+<img src="images/i157.png" width="100%" alt="can we sing yer some Christmas carols" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden
+to-day."
+<i>Boy.</i> "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i157.png">
+<img src="images/i158.png" width="100%" alt="OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET" /></a>
+<h3>OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET</h3>
+<p>"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i159.png">
+<img src="images/i159.png" width="100%" alt="EXPERIENTIA DOCET" /></a>
+<h3>EXPERIENTIA DOCET</h3>
+<p>"And are <i>you</i> going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?"</p>
+<p>"Of course, darling."</p>
+<p>"Then <i>don't</i> let it be <i>something useful</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/i160.png">
+<img src="images/i160.png" width="100%" alt="Isn&#39;t it Sunday" /></a>
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on
+Sunday. You must go into the back garden."
+<i>Tommy.</i> "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i161.png">
+<img src="images/i161.png" width="100%" alt="A PROTEST" /></a>
+<h3>A PROTEST</h3>
+<p>"And pray, am I <i>never</i> to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i162.png">
+<img src="images/i162.png" width="100%" alt="A NEW TEST" /></a>
+<h3>A NEW TEST</h3>
+<p><i>Aunt</i> (<i>in alarm</i>). "<i>Surely</i> you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?"
+<i>Tommy</i> (<i>in doubt</i>). "F-f-f-feel me!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sunday Schooling.</span>&mdash;<i>Teacher.</i> What does one mean by "Heaping coals of
+fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry Hawkins.</i> Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> Do you love the chickens, dear?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny
+laugh!</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i163.png">
+<img src="images/i163.png" width="100%" alt="Bilious Old Uncle" /></a>
+<p><i>Bilious Old Uncle.</i> "I'm delighted to see this fall; it
+will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of
+mischief."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i164.png">
+<img src="images/i164.png" width="100%" alt="Occupation of &quot;that dreadful boy&quot;" /></a>
+<p>Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Chronology.</span>&mdash;<i>Old Gentleman</i> ("<i>putting a few questions</i>"). Now,
+boys&mdash;ah&mdash;can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he
+took the forbidden fruit?</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Scholar</i> ("<i>like a shot</i>"). Please, sir, th'worn't no
+commandments then, sir!</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Questioner sits corrected.</i></p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>
+
+<h2>AT A CHILDREN'S PARTY</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">During Tea</span></center>
+
+<p>Yes, <i>isn't</i> it a pretty sight.... Oh, they're <i>much</i> too busy to talk
+at present.... Well, if you <i>would</i> take this cup of tea to my little
+girl, dear Mr. Muffett, it would be so&mdash;&mdash;Yes, in the white frock....
+<i>Pray</i> don't apologise&mdash;some tea upsets <i>so</i> easily, doesn't it?... Oh!
+I don't suppose it will show, really, and if it <i>does</i>.... Please, will
+everybody keep quite quiet for a minute or two; I haven't said my
+grace.... Don't you think it's unfair of nurse? She's handed me
+bread-and-butter twice running!... I mustn't eat sponge-cake, thank you.
+Bath buns are better for me than anything.... I was <i>so</i> ill after
+Christmas. They took my temperament with the barometer, and it was two
+hundred and six!... Oh! that's nothing. When <i>I</i> was ill, the doctor
+said mine was perfectly Norman!... Well, you <i>might</i> lower that
+candleshade a <i>very</i> little, perhaps,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> Mr. Muffett.... Ah! don't blow
+it out.... Throw it into the fire, quick!... It doesn't matter in the
+<i>least</i>. No; I wouldn't trouble about the <i>other</i> shades, thanks....
+Mother, will you read me the text out of my cracker?... But if you're
+going to be a soldier, you oughtn't to shut your eyes when you pull a
+cracker.... Oh! when I'm a soldier, I needn't <i>go</i> to parties.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">During a Performance of Punch and Judy</span></center>
+
+<p><i>A Thoughtful Child.</i> What a dreadful thing it would be to have a papa
+like Punch!</p>
+
+<p><i>A Puzzled Child.</i> Mother, why is the man at the side so <i>polite</i> to
+Punch? He calls him "Sir"&mdash;is Punch <i>really</i> a gentleman?</p>
+
+<p><i>A Good Little Girl.</i> I do wish they would leave all the fighting out;
+it must set such a bad example to children.</p>
+
+<p><i>An Appreciative Boy.</i> Oh! I say, <i>did</i> you hear what the clown said
+then? He said something had frightened all the hair off his head except
+that little tuft at the top, and it turned <i>that</i> sky-blue!</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>He goes into fits of laughter.</i></p>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>
+
+<p><i>A Matter-of-fact Boy.</i> Yes, I heard&mdash;but I don't believe it <i>could</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Child of the House.</i> I <i>am</i> so glad Tip is shut up downstairs,
+because I'm afraid, if he'd been up here and seen Toby act, he'd have
+wanted to run away and go on the stage himself, and I don't think he's
+the sort of dog who would ever be a <i>success</i>, you know!</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">During the Dancing</span></center>
+
+<p><i>Jack.</i> I say, Mabel, you've got to dance the "Washington Post" with
+<i>me</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mabel.</i> I can't. I've promised Teddy Thistledown.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jack.</i> Oh! <i>that's</i> all right. I swapped with him for a Nicaragua
+stamp.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>touched</i>). But aren't they rare? Didn't you want it yourself?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jack.</i> Oh! I don't collect, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>George</i> (<i>to Ethel</i>). They've given us the whole of "Ivanhoe" to mug up
+for a holiday task. Isn't it a beastly shame?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ethel.</i> But don't you like Scott?</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+<p><i>George.</i> Oh! I don't mind <i>Scott</i> so much. It's having to grind in
+the holidays that <i>I</i> bar.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hester</i> (<i>to Roland</i>). Shall you go to the pantomime this year?</p>
+
+<p><i>Roland.</i> I don't think so. I'm going to lectures at the Royal
+Institution instead.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hester.</i> That isn't as jolly as the pantomime, is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Roland</i> (<i>impartially</i>). Not while it's going on, but a lot jollier
+after it's over.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Poffley</i> (<i>a middle-aged bachelor, who "likes to make himself
+useful at parties," and is good-naturedly waltzing with little Miss
+Chillington</i>). Have you&mdash;er&mdash;been to many parties?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Chillington</i> (<i>a child of the world</i>). About the usual amount.
+There's generally a good deal going on just now, isn't there?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Poffley.</i> A&mdash;I suppose so. I go out so little now that I've almost
+forgotten <i>how</i> to dance.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Chillington.</i> Then you <i>did</i> know once!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Poffley</i> (<i>completely demoralised</i>). I&mdash;er&mdash;you would rather stop?</p>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>
+<p><i>Miss Chillington.</i> Oh! I don't mind going on, if it amuses you.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Mr. Poffley feels that "children are not so grateful as they used
+to be for being noticed," and that it is almost time he gave up
+going to juvenile parties.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">After Supper</span></center>
+
+<p><i>The Hostess</i> (<i>returning to the drawing-room to find the centre of the
+floor occupied by a struggling heap of small boys, surrounded by
+admiring but mystified sisters</i>). Oh! dear me, what <i>are</i> they doing?
+I'm so afraid my two boys are being too rough, Mrs. Hornblower.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Hornblower</i> (<i>one of a row of complacent matrons</i>). Oh! not at
+all, dear Mrs. Honeybun, they're having <i>such</i> fun. Your Edwin and
+Arthur are only trying how many boys they can pile on the top of my
+Tommy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Honeybun.</i> Is that Tommy underneath? Are you sure he's not getting
+hurt?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Horn.</i> Oh! he thoroughly enjoys a romp.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> He's made himself
+perfectly hoarse with laughing. Just listen to him!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Honey.</i> What a sturdy little fellow he is! And always in such high
+spirits!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Horn</i> (<i>confidentially</i>). He hasn't seemed quite the thing for the
+last day or two, and I was doubting whether it wouldn't be better to
+keep him at home to-night, but he begged so hard that I really had to
+give way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Honey.</i> So glad you did! It doesn't seem to have done him any
+harm.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Horn.</i> Quite the contrary. And indeed, he couldn't help being the
+better for it; you understand so thoroughly how to make children happy,
+dear Mrs. Honeybun.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Honey.</i> It's delightful of you to say so; I try my best, but one
+can't always&mdash;&mdash;Last year we had a conjurer, and it was only when he'd
+begun that we found out he was helplessly intoxicated.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Horn.</i> How disagreeable for you! But this time everything has been
+quite perfect!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Honey.</i> Well, I really think there has been no&mdash;&mdash;Good gracious!
+I'm <i>sure</i> somebody is being suffocated! <i>Did</i> you hear that?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>From the core of the heap proceeds a sound at which every mother's
+heart quakes&mdash;a smothered cough ending in a long-drawn and ominous
+"oo-ook.'</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Horn.</i> Depend upon it, that's whooping-cough! Tommy, come here
+this minute. (<i>Tommy emerges, crimson and crowing lustily; the mothers
+collect their offspring in dismay</i>). Oh! Tommy, Tommy, don't tell me
+it's <i>you</i>! It&mdash;it can't be <i>that</i>, dear Mrs. Honeybun; he's been
+nowhere where he could possibly&mdash;&mdash;You naughty boy, you <i>know</i> you are
+only pretending. Don't let me hear that horrid noise again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>injured</i>). But, mummy, <i>really</i> I wasn't&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>He justifies himself by producing a series of whoops with an
+unmistakably genuine ring</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Horn.</i> I think it's only a rather severe attack of hiccoughs, dear
+Mrs. Honeybun; but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>
+still, perhaps&mdash;just to be on the safe side&mdash;I'd
+better&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>She departs in confusion, the crowd on the stairs dividing like
+Red Sea waves as Tommy proclaims his approach.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Honey</i> (<i>after the last guest has gone</i>). I knew <i>something</i> would
+happen! I must say it was <i>most</i> inconsiderate of Mrs. Hornblower to
+bring that wretched little Tommy out and break up the party like
+this&mdash;it's not as if we were really <i>intimate</i>! Still, it was ridiculous
+of everybody else to hurry off too, as if whooping-cough was anything to
+be so mortally afraid of! I wasn't in the <i>least</i> myself, as they might
+have seen. But perhaps it <i>is</i> just as well that Edwin and Arthur had it
+last winter.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Ready Answer.</span>&mdash;<i>Uncle.</i> Now, how did the mother of Moses hide him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Niece.</i> With a stick, uncle.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i165.png">
+<img src="images/i165.png" width="100%" alt="Well brought up" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Well brought up.</span>&mdash;"Now then, my little men, didn't you
+see that board on that tree?"
+"Yes."
+"Well, then, can't you read?"
+"Yes, but we never look at anything marked 'private.'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i166.png">
+<img src="images/i166.png" width="100%" alt="The Joys of Anticipation" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">The Joys of Anticipation.</span>&mdash;"When are you coming out with
+me, mummy?"
+"Not this morning, darling. I've too much to do!"
+"Oh, but you <i>must</i>, mummy. I've already put it in my new diary that you
+<i>did</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i167.png">
+<img src="images/i167.png" width="100%" alt="where do these fossil shells come from" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Res Ant-iqu&aelig;.</span>&mdash;"Auntie dear, where do these fossil shells
+come from?"
+"Oh, my dear child, a great many years ago they were washed up here by
+the sea."
+"How long ago, auntie dear?"
+"Ever so long ago, dear child."
+"What! Even before <i>you</i> were born, auntie?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i168.png">
+<img src="images/i168.png" width="100%" alt="EXTREME MEASURES" /></a>
+<h3>"EXTREME MEASURES"</h3>
+<p><i>Mother.</i> "If I catch you chasing those hens again, I'll wash your face
+<i>every day next week</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i169.png">
+<img src="images/i169.png" width="100%" alt="ON THE FACE OF IT" /></a>
+<h3>ON THE FACE OF IT</h3>
+<p><i>Pretty Teacher.</i> "Now, Johnny Wells, can you tell me what is meant by a
+miracle?"</p>
+<p><i>Johnny.</i> "Yes, teacher. Mother says if you dun't marry new parson,
+'twull be a murracle!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i170.png">
+<img src="images/i170.png" width="100%" alt="THE DUET" /></a>
+<h3>THE DUET</h3>
+<p><i>Fond Mother</i> (<i>to young hopeful, who has been sent upstairs to a room
+by himself as a punishment</i>). "You can come down now, Jacky."</p>
+<p><i>Young Hopeful.</i> "Can't. I'se singing a duet!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i171.png">
+<img src="images/i171.png" width="100%" alt="UNCLE&#39;S BANK HOLIDAY" /></a>
+<h3>UNCLE'S BANK HOLIDAY</h3>
+<p>"Oh, uncle, we're so glad we've met you. We want you to take us on the
+roundabout, and stay on it till tea-time!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i172.png">
+<img src="images/i172.png" width="100%" alt="Young Masher" /></a>
+<p><i>Young Masher</i> (<i>to rival</i>). "I say, old, chap, I hear
+you're an excellent runner. Is that true?"
+<i>Rival</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). "Rather!"
+<i>Young Masher.</i> "Well, then, run home!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>
+
+<br />
+
+<p><i>Aunt.</i> Why, Tommy, I've only just taken a splinter out of your hand,
+and now you've let pussy scratch you. How did that happen?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>who has been tampering with the cat's whiskers</i>). Well, I was
+only trying to get some of the splinters out of her face!</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i173.png">
+<img src="images/i173.png" width="100%" alt="Finis" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h4>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE</h4>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various
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@@ -0,0 +1,2681 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch with The Children
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: October 18, 2010 [EBook #33918]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+    Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself,
+    the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of
+    comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
+    from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUCH ADO.--"Mamma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We's crying! Tum up
+'tairs an' see what's de matter wiv us!"]
+
+  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AS PICTURED BY
+
+PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE,
+JOHN LEECH, GORDON BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL,
+CHARLES PEARS, LEWIS BAUMER, DAVID WILSON, TOM
+BROWNE, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, C. E. BROCK, TOM
+WILKINSON, HILDA COWHAM, AND OTHER HUMORISTS
+
+_IN 175 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
+THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDITOR'S NOTE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In the order of our Library "Mr. Punch with the Children" comes last,
+yet, so continual and sincere has been the interest of the breezy little
+man in the children, we might well have placed this volume first. The
+_Punch_ pictures, stories and jests that are concerned with the young
+folk are almost inexhaustible. The present collection, though containing
+the cream of them, comes very far indeed from reproducing them all, or
+even fifty per cent. For every notable artist and writer who has been
+much associated with _Punch_ since 1841 has had something to say or to
+illustrate of the humours of child life. If genius be the power to be a
+child again at will, we can understand this abiding interest in the
+doings of the children. MR. PUNCH himself resembles Peter Pan, for he
+has never grown up. The years roll by, but the jolly little hunchback
+remains as young as ever.
+
+The variety of individuality in the children, to whom we are here
+introduced, is noteworthy. In the days of Leech, downright impudence
+seems to have been a characteristic of the young; to-day it would seem
+children are better mannered, even if the _enfant terrible_ is still
+thriving and likely to do so. There are nice children here, and naughty
+ones; clever and dull children; pretty and ugly children--the
+mischievous are chiefly memories of last generation! Phil May's children
+are all clearly of the "gutter snipe" order, in which he delighted, full
+of character and a somewhat pathetic humour; but how clean and sweet and
+lovable are Du Maurier's or Mr. Lewis Baumer's! Mr. Raven-Hill seems to
+be attracted somewhat in the same direction as Phil May; but all are
+interesting, and their sayings and doings are eminently worthy to be
+thus permanently gathered into one volume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Boy (_looking forward to a party in the evening_). "Oh,
+mummy, baby _is_ naughty! He has taken two things off the calendar, and
+made it to-morrow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration: A STUDY IN EXPRESSION]
+
+A SERIOUS MATTER.--_Grandfather_ (_to Miss Pansy, who is
+somewhat flushed and excited_). What's the matter, my pet?
+
+_Miss Pansy_ (_aged eight_). Oh, grandpa, me and my kitten have been
+having the most awful row. We've often quarrelled before and made it up
+again, but this time we're not on speaking terms.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_dictating letter to his sister, whom he has
+"squared" into writing for him_). "Dear Miss Brown, please xcuse Bobbie
+for not bean at school sinse Tewsday has he as add twothake on Tewsday
+and on Wednesday he broke is harm and he ad to go to a party yesterday
+afternoon. If he does not come to-morrow it will be because a boy thrue
+a stoan at is i.--Yours trooly, Bobbie's mother."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRESENCE OF MIND.--_Little Girl_ (_who has been disturbed
+by a mouse, in a stage-whisper to her sleeping sister_). "Wake up! Oh,
+wake up and mew, Amy; mew for your life!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNIMAGINATIVE
+
+_Auntie._ "Do you see the hair in this old brooch, Cyril? It was your
+great-grandfather's."
+
+_Cyril._ "I say, Auntie, he didn't have much!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Auntie._ Well, Effie, did you enjoy your party last night?
+
+_Effie._ Very much, thank you, auntie.
+
+_Auntie._ And I suppose mamma was there to look after you?
+
+_Effie._ Oh no! Mamma and I _don't belong_ to the same set!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NICE NEPHEW!
+
+_Tommy._ "Talking of riddles, Uncle, do you know the difference between
+an apple and a elephant?"
+
+_Uncle_ (_benignly_). "No, my lad, I don't."
+
+_Tommy._ "You'd be a smart chap to send out to buy apples, wouldn't
+you?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.--"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind
+you don't use any rude words!"
+
+"Rude words! _Tell_ me a few, mummy, and then I shall _know_, you know!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A "CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR"
+
+_Governess._ "Now, just one more subtraction sum----"
+
+_Dolly._ "Oh, Miss Crawford, I don't fink mummie would let me do any
+more of _those_ sums, 'cause in them you borrow _ten_ and pay back only
+_one_, and that's cheating!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A GREAT AMBITION
+
+_Little Girl_ (_watching her mother fixing hatpins through her hat_).
+"When will _I_ be old enough, mummy, to have holes made in _my_ head to
+keep my hat on?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REHEARSAL FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS ON BOXING-DAY.--_Master
+Brown_ (_leading tragedian, who has been studying a fearful
+blood-curdling old melodrama, entering suddenly)_. "Here are the
+letters. Two million pounds is the price of my silence!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WALKING HOME FROM THE PANTOMIME.--_Little Chris_ (_who usually goes to
+bed very early_). Mamma, have all the angels been to Drury Lane
+to-night?
+
+_Mamma._ No, darling? Why?
+
+_Little Chris_ (_pointing to the stars_). 'Cause they've kept the lamps
+up there lighted so late.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CHRISTMAS TEA.--_Unregenerate Youth._ "Pass the seedy
+caike!" _Vicar's Daughter._ "If----? If----?" _Unregenerate Youth._ "If
+'e don't I'll shove 'im in the faice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROBLEM.
+
+_Samuel._ "Muvver, does a hen lay an egg when it _likes_ or _must_ it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A GRAND-DAUGHTER OF EVE.--_Mamma_ (_to Molly, who has
+scratched and bitten her French nurse, and who won't be sorry for her
+behaviour_). "Oh, Molly, don't you know who it is puts such wicked
+thoughts into your head?" _Molly._ "Ah, yes, the _scratching_! But to
+_bite_ Felicie was quite my own idea!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROGUES FALLING OUT.--_Mamma._ What is baby crying for, Maggie?
+
+_Maggie._ I don't know.
+
+_Mamma._ And what are _you_ looking so 'ndignant about?
+
+_Maggie._ That nasty, greedy dog's been and took and eaten my
+'punge-take!
+
+_Mamma._ Why, I saw you eating a sponge-cake a minute ago!
+
+_Maggie._ O--that was baby's!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCIENTIFIC NURSERY DEFINITION.--_Little Algy Muffin._ What's the
+meaning of bric-a-brac, that mamma was talking about to Colonel Crumpet?
+
+_Little Chris Crumpet._ Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear
+we'll break them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETRY FOR SCHOOLBOYS.--Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the
+week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those
+felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line--
+
+"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOGICAL.--_Little Bobby_ (_whose mamma is very
+particular, and is always telling him to wash his face and hands_).
+"Mummy dear! I do wish I was a little black boy." _Mamma._ "My dear
+Bobby, you generally are." _Little Bobby._ "Oh, I mean _really_ black.
+_Then_ you wouldn't see when I was dirty."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED
+
+_Cissie_ (_who has never seen an Archdeacon before_). "Dick, that old
+clergyman has got gaiters on. What does it mean when a clergyman wears
+gaiters?"
+
+_Dick_ (_who knows everything_). "Oh, it means that he belongs to the
+cyclist corps!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT MAISIE KNEW"
+
+_Kind Aunt._ "You needn't be afraid of my little pug, Maisie. He won't
+bite you."
+
+_Maisie._ "No, auntie. But he might kick!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Bobby._ "Do you know what daddy calls you, Mr. Tovey?"
+
+_Mr. Tovey._ "No Bobby. What is it?"
+
+_Bobby._ "He calls you Port Arthur, 'cause you take so long to
+surrender!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to mother, who has just read notice_). "I
+suppose, mother, it doesn't mention _which_ half of the poor thing we
+are to look for?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUVENILE GEOGRAPHY.--_Governess._ The earth moves round the sun ... it
+takes a whole year to complete the round ... and this accounts for the
+four seasons. What are the four seasons of the year, Phyllis?
+
+_Phyllis_ (_aged_ five). This year, next year, sometime, never.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"IT'S A WISE CHILD THAT KNOWS ITS OWN FATHER."--_Grace._ Harold, why did
+pa call that Mr. Blowhard a liar?
+
+_Harold._ 'Cos he's smaller than pa!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE LEARNING.--_Teacher._ And who was Joan of Arc?
+
+_Scholar._ Please, sir, Noah's wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE STEPMOTHER.--_Uncle._ Hullo! Dot, got a new doll?
+
+_Little Miss Dot._ Hush, uncle, don't speak too loud. She is not one of
+my own, but belonged to Millie Simpson, who was cruel to her and
+'bandoned her, so I have 'dopted her; but I don't want her to know,
+because I mean to make no difference between her and my own dollies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A POSER
+
+_Katie_ (_in consternation_). "Oh, mother, how _will_ Santa Claus do
+about that poor man's stockings?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETURN INVITATION.--"Please, Mrs. Subbubs, mamma says
+she'll be glad if you'll come to tea on Monday." "With pleasure, Bessie.
+Tell your mother it's really too kind----" "Oh, no! mamma says she'll be
+glad when it's over."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Did our hat-rack walk about and have only two pegs,
+once, auntie?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STABLE TALK.--_The General._ "That's a funny sort of
+horse you've got there, Cuthbert." _Cuthbert._ "Yes, gran'pa. You see
+he's been 'eating his head off' all the winter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Severe Mother._ "You naughty boy! How dare you tell such
+stories? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being a little liar?"
+_Injured Son._ "Well, mother, 't ain't my fault. Father gave me a awful
+thrashing the other day for having spoken the truth." _Mother._ "What
+_do_ you mean?" _Son._ "Why, when I told you that father had come home
+quite drunk the night before!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IN STRANGE ATTIRE"
+
+"Nurse! Nurse! Bobby's out of bed, and running about in his _bananas_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROOF
+
+"You won't go in that dark room alone by yourself, Tommy."
+
+"Oh! won't I? You just _come with me_, and see me do it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INCONTROVERTIBLE
+
+"And how _old_ are you, my little man?" "I'm not old at all. I'm nearly
+_new_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FORCE OF CLASSIC TEACHING.--_Master._ Now, boys, what is Hexham
+famous for?
+
+_Binks Minor._ Making the hexameter, sir.
+
+[_Waits afterwards._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERBS REVISED.--"_One is better than two._" _Mother._ You are a very
+naughty little girl!
+
+_Little Girl_ (_after some thought_). Aren't you glad I wasn't twins,
+mummy?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD
+
+_Mild Old Gentleman rescues a bun which child has dropped in the mud._
+
+_Child_ (_all aglow with righteous indignation_). "That's _my_ bun!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUE SENTIMENT.--"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie--that pretty
+lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to
+send her?"
+
+"Yes, mummie; give her my love, and say I never look at a little black
+pig now without thinking of _her_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Chemist._ "Pills, eh?" (_Emphasising question_)
+"Anti-bilious?"
+
+_Child_ (_readily_). "No, sir; uncle is!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "Now, dear, why don't you run away and give
+grandpa a kiss?" _Child_ (_somewhat nonplussed by grandpapa's moustache
+and beard_). "I don't see any place for it, mamma!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.--_Ethel._ "Mummy dear, why did
+you tell Richard you 'weren't at home' just now?" (_Pause._) "Mummy, I
+mean----" _Mamma._ "When Sir Fusby Dodderidge called? Why, Ethel dear,
+because he bores me." _Ethel._ "Oh!" (_After thoughtfully considering
+the matter with regard to her governess_). "Then may I say I'm not at
+home when Miss Krux calls to-morrow? for _she_ bores _me_ awfully?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE RINK.--_Little Girl._ "Oh, Captain Sprawler, _do_
+put on your skates, and show me the funny figures you can make."
+
+_Captain S._ "My dear child, I'm only a beginner. I can't make any
+figures." _Little Girl._ "But Mabel said you were skating yesterday, and
+cut a _ridiculous_ figure!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Daisy_ (_who has been studying
+Chrysanthemums_).--Maisy, do you know what's a _Double Begonia_?
+
+_Maisy_ (_who has been studying the Classics_).--"Double Big-onia"? Yes!
+Of course, it's the plural of one big onion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAIDENLY ETIQUETTE.--_Little Chris_ (_aetat eight_). I've a birthday
+party on Thursday, Evie. I should like you to come.
+
+_Little Evie_ (_aetat nine_). I should love to, dear.
+
+_Little Chris._ But I couldn't, you know, unless you asked me to tea
+first.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE LIBRARY.--_Tommy._ How beautifully those books is binded!
+
+_Little Dot._ No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you
+should say, "are bounded."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUPERLATIVE ASSURANCE.--_Papa_ (To Little Chris). I can't quite
+understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith
+Jones, whom you met?
+
+_Little Chris_ (_stoutly_). All I know is, it was the _third eldest_ Mr.
+Jones.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_stroking kitten, a new present_). "Mother,
+kitty's so hot! Ought she to sit so near the fire?" (_Kitten purrs._)
+"Oh, mother, listen! She's beginning to boil!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VIRTUE OF NECESSITY.--_Aunt Maria._ What a good little boy to leave
+your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.
+
+_Master Douglas._ Oh, mother always _makes_ us do nasty things and
+things we don't like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_The Fair Weather Barometer._) This is a
+pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in
+equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior
+of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local
+disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at
+"very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention,
+permanent fair weather.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BOARD SCHOOL.--_Inspector._ Now, can any of you children state
+what is likely to be the future of China?
+
+_One Maiden_ (_after a pause_). Please sir, father says that China's
+like him.
+
+_Inspector._ Like him! What do you mean?
+
+_The Maiden._ Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances.
+
+[_Class dismissed immediately._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INNOCENT HINT
+
+_Auntie._ "What is Nellie's nose for?"
+
+_Nellie_ (_doubtfully_). "To smell with."
+
+_Auntie._ "And what is Nellie's mouth for?"
+
+_Nellie_ (_cautiously_). "To eat with."
+
+_Auntie._ "And what are Nellie's ears for?"
+
+_Nellie_ (_confidently_). "Ear-rings."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE!--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women
+were beastly rude.
+
+_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
+And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
+
+_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage
+(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old
+French beans.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLILOQUY.--"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They
+won't buy it for me at home--too soon after Christmas. Must go in and
+ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or
+something; then mother'll buy it me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"
+
+  Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school,
+  Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool;
+  Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright,
+  Johnnie could never do anything right.
+  Genius often is known to fail;
+  Tommy turned forger, and went to jail.
+  Johnnie, though slow as he well could be,
+  Plodded away and became M.P.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CONSERVATION OF TISSUE."--_Uncle._ "Well, Tommy, you see
+I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?"
+
+_Miss._ "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five
+tarts, and----" _Uncle._ "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" _Tommy._
+"No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "Now then, little boy. What
+do you mean by bullying that little girl? Don't you know it's very
+cruel?"
+
+_Rude Little Boy._ "Garn! wot's the trouble? _She's my Sweetheart!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grandpapa._ "Well little lady, will you give me a lock
+of that pretty hair of yours?" _Marjory._ "Yes, granpa';
+but"--(_hesitating_)--"I don't fink _one_ lock would be enough, would
+it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DADDY'S WAISTCOAT"
+
+(_Sketched from Life in Drury Lane._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE.--_Mother._ Oh, Dicky, what terrible things you
+do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab!
+
+_Dicky._ Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAPPY THOUGHT.--"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an _N_! Don't
+you know the difference between a _window_ and a _widow_?"
+
+"Yes, sir. You can see through _one_--and--and--you can't see through
+the _other_, sir!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YOUNG IDEA AGAIN.--(SCENE--_Fourth-standard room of an elementary
+school. Children reading._) _Inspector_ (_to the Teacher_). What are
+they reading about?
+
+_Teacher._ American Indians.
+
+_Inspector._ I will ask them a few questions. (_To children._) What is a
+Red Indian's wife called? (_Many hands up_). Tell me.
+
+_Scholar._ A squaw, sir.
+
+_Inspector._ What is a Red Indian's baby called? (_Silence. At last a
+boy volunteers._) Well, my boy?
+
+_Boy._ Please, sir, a squaker!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT THIS FESTIVE SEASON
+
+_Mamma._ "Why, my dearest Albert, what are you crying for?--so good,
+too, as you have been all day!"
+
+_Spoiled Little Boy._ "Boo-hoo! I've eaten so--m-much be-eef and
+t-turkey, that I can't eat any p-p-plum p-p-pudding!"
+
+[_Oh, what a very greedy little fellow._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MODERN PARIS.--_Schoolmaster._ Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses
+Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with
+this apple?
+
+_Brown Minimus._ Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POINT UNSETTLED IN HISTORY.--_Lucy_ (_to her elder sister who has just
+been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell_). And was
+the little boy allowed to _eat_ the apple afterwards?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_Household ginger beer._)--Empty the kitchen
+spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the
+wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and
+stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the
+water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from
+every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN DISTRESS.--Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid
+dog _staring at me with his teeth_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Child_ (_in berth of night steamer_). "Mummy, I'm so
+sleepy. I want to go to bed." _Mother._ "But you _are_ in bed dear."
+_Child._ "No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.--(_This is the second time that
+Madge has pricked her finger--the first time it bled so much that mamma
+felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's
+turn_). _Mamma._ "Well, what's the matter with _you_, Jack?" _Jack._
+"Oh! I feel rather _faint_, that's all. _Is there such a thing as a bun
+in the house?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Tommy_ (_criticising the menu of
+the coming feast_). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind
+you put plenty of rum into the _baba_--Dolly and Molly like it, you
+know--and so do I!" _Monsieur Cordonbleu_ (_retained for the occasion_).
+"Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to
+dine viz de compagnie?" _Tommy._ "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to
+sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE ZOO.--_Little Girl_ (_after seeing many queer
+beasts_). "But there aren't _really_ such animals, nurse, are there?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.--_Uncle George._ "Don't over-eat
+yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age." _Jimmy_
+(_sotto voce_). "When did you begin, then?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EARLY PURITAN
+
+_Bobby_ (_who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and
+doesn't like it_). "I'll write and tell papa!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gertie._ "Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads
+you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A CHRISTMAS JUVENILE PARTY.--_Aunt Florence._ "I will
+find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any
+choice?" _Miss Ethel._ "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a
+_moustache_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CRY FROM THE HEART.--_Little Dunce_ (_looking up
+suddenly from her history book_). "Oh, mummy, darling, I _do_ so wish
+I'd lived under James the Second!" _Mamma._ "Why?" _Little Dunce._
+"Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his
+reign!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BIG PILL.--"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum--mummy--I
+dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess._ "What would you like to eat, Effie?" _Effie._
+"Cake." _Mother_ (_reprovingly_). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've
+forgotten? Pl----" _Effie._ "Pl--um!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT THE ZOO.--(_A fact._)--_Small child_ (_pointing to the
+hippopotamus_). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!
+
+_Better-informed parent._ That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a
+crocydile!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFANT AGONIES.--_Small boy._ Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?
+
+_Auntie._ No!
+
+_Small boy._ Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered--a beastie!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INADEQUATE HOSPITALITY.--"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?"
+
+"Yes, mummy; but I'm _so_ hungry. There was only a _now and then_ tea,
+you know; with no chairs, and no grace!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATURE'S LOGIC.--_Papa._ How is it, Alice, that _you_ never get a prize
+at school?
+
+_Mamma._ And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many?
+
+_Alice_ (_innocently_). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "FIAT EXPERIMENTUM," &c.--Scene--_A Christmas family
+gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest_ (_violently awakened
+out of his morning snooze._) "Who'sh there?" _The Grandchildren_
+(_shouting in chorus, and banging at his door_). "Oh, Mr.
+Bulkley--please--Mr. Bulkley--do get up--and go on the pond--'pa
+says--'cause--gran'ma says--we may--if it'll bear you--it'll bear us!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY
+
+_Ada._ "What horrid things _black-beetles_ are, Miss Grimm! The kitchen
+is full of them!"
+
+_The Governess._ "I agree with you, Ada! But as they are not _beetles_,
+and not _black_, perhaps you will call them _cock-roaches_ for the
+future!"
+
+_Ada._ "Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are not _roaches_, and not
+_cocks_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSCIENTIOUS CHILD.--"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"
+
+"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Tommy._ I can strike a match on _my_ trousers, like Uncle Bob. Can
+_you_, auntie?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "You must put your dolls away to-day. It's
+Sunday."
+
+_Little Girl._ "Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at
+Sunday school!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFUSED ASSOCIATIONS.--"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"
+
+"They lived in groves of oak."
+
+"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"
+
+"Er--let me see--Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grandmamma._ "And how did it happen, dear?"
+
+_Master Tom._ "It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_To cure a smoky chimney._) Get out on to the
+roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and
+eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the
+chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now
+sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining
+to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to
+have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.--Butter-slides are very
+effective.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EVIDENCE OF THE SENSES.--_Mamma._ How _dare_ you slap your sister,
+George?
+
+_George._ She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very
+much, I can tell you!
+
+_Mamma._ Where did she hurt you?
+
+_George._ Well, I can't azactly say _where_, because--because my back
+was turned, and I was looking another way!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE.--_Son and heir_ (_whose inquiring turn of mind is
+occasionally a nuisance_). Say, 'pa, what's a v'cab'lary?
+
+_Father._ A vocabulary, my boy--what d'you want to know that for?
+
+_Son._ 'Cause I heard 'ma say she'd no idea what a tremenjous v'cab'lary
+you'd got, till you missed the train on Saturday!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL--_Teacher._ Now, Mary Brown, you understand what is
+meant by baptism?
+
+_Mary Brown._ Oh, _I_ know, teacher! It's what Dr. Franklin did on
+baby's arm last Toosday!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LITTLE CHRISTMAS DREAM.--Mr. L. Figuier, in the thesis
+which precedes his interesting work on the world before the flood,
+condemns the practice of awakening the youthful mind to admiration by
+means of fables and fairy tales, and recommends, in lieu thereof, the
+study of the natural history of the world in which we live. Fired by
+this advice, we have tried the experiment on our eldest, an imaginative
+boy of six. We have cut off his "Cinderella" and his "Puss in Boots,"
+and introduced him to some of the more peaceful fauna of the preadamite
+world, as they appear restored in Mr. Figuier's book. The poor boy has
+not had a decent night's rest ever since!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YOUNG, BUT PRACTICAL.--"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine
+o'clock! What will _papa_ say when he comes home?"
+
+"Oh, papa! _He'll_ say, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A REALIST IN FICTION.--"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!"
+
+"No, dear. It was imagination!"
+
+"Are 'maginations white behind?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPROVING THE SHINING HOUR.--_The new Governess._ What are the
+comparative and superlative of _bad_, Berty?
+
+_Berty_ (_the Doctor's son_). Bad--worse--dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CAPITAL CHOICE.--_Cousin Amy._ So you haven't made up your mind yet
+what _profession_ you're going to be when you grow up, Bobby.
+
+_Bobby._ Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it's called, you know, but
+it's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and dogs, and all
+that!
+
+[_Bobby's papa is a curate, with L200 a year._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EARLY INGENUITY.
+
+"Whatever _are_ you children doing?"
+
+"Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to fit them on to
+the baby, 'cos he hasn't got any!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SICK CHILD
+
+BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS
+
+  A weakness seizes on my mind--I would more pudding take;
+  But all in vain--I feel--I feel--my little head will ache.
+  Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,
+  And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.
+  I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore
+  That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,
+  Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,
+  In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.
+  It may be so--I cannot tell--I yet may do without;
+  They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.
+  I long to cut that potted beef--to taste that apple-pie;
+  I long--I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.
+  I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;
+  Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!
+  Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.
+  My brain swims round--I feel it all--mother, your child is queer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Alix_ (_aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with
+loyal sentiments_). And was the Queen weally named after me?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A Toothsome Morsel.--
+
+_Distracted Nurse._ "Gracious, children, what _are_ you doing?"
+
+_Children._ "Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the
+flies off him!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that
+fowl's leg for?"
+
+"'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Snooks_ (_who fancies himself very much_). "What's she
+crying for?"
+
+_Arabella._ "It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she saw _you_
+she thought it was a _man_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BLASE
+
+_Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). "'Once upon a time there was a
+frog----'"
+
+_Mabel_ (_interrupting_). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHYSICS.--"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you
+know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"
+
+"O, yes, mamma!"
+
+"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"
+
+"Pickles!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Mother._ Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled?
+
+_Dorothy_ (_after weighing the question_). Which is the most, mother?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION
+
+_Small Boy._ "Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop
+ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells '_'all_' with a _haitch_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GETTING ON."
+
+"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?"
+
+"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I
+can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want
+to do it without the wall at all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LAYING DOWN THE LAW.--
+
+_Lady_ (_entertaining friend's little girl_). "Do you take sugar,
+darling?"
+
+_The Darling._ "Yes, please."
+
+_Lady._ "How many lumps?"
+
+_The Darling._ "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with
+cake."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy._ "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see
+you every day while you are ill."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A SOFT ANSWER," &c.--_Mamma_. You are very naughty children, and I am
+extremely dis-satisfied with you all!
+
+_Tommy._ That _is_ a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with
+_you_, you know!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMPREHENSIVE.--_Preceptor._ Now, can any of you tell me anything
+remarkable in the life of Moses?
+
+_Boy._ Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at
+once!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BARGAIN.
+
+"I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this
+'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, _I'll go quiet_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITTLE MISS LOGIC.--_Little Dot_ (_to Eminent Professor of Chemistry_).
+Are you a chemist?
+
+_Eminent Professor._ Yes, my dear.
+
+_L. D._ Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the
+window?
+
+_E. P._ No, my dear; I don't keep a shop.
+
+_L. D._ Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough
+Jujubes?
+
+_E. P._ No, my dear, I certainly do not.
+
+_L. D._ (_decidedly_). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more.
+You can't be a respectable chemist.
+
+_E. P._ Why not, my dear?
+
+_L. D._ 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all _respectable_ chemists."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE SCHOOL TREAT.--_Lady Helper_ (_to Small Boy_). Will you have some
+more bread-and-butter?
+
+_Small Boy._ No fear, when there's kike about.
+
+_Lady Helper_ (_trying to be kind_). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum
+or seed?
+
+_Small Boy._ Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUESTION OF HEREDITY
+
+_Hal._ "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?"
+
+_Martha._ "Oh no, it's only a little cracked."
+
+_Hal._ "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little
+mad?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY.--"Oh, _look_, mummie! Now it's left off
+raining, he's come out of his kennel!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SENSIBLE CHILD.--"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your
+stocking for Santa Claus to fill?"
+
+"No. I hanged up muvver's!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAD HIM THERE.--_Uncle Jim._ Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I
+need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "_the half is
+greater than the whole_!"
+
+_Tommy._ Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a
+whole one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE.--_The Major._ You're a very nice fellow,
+Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?
+
+_Tommy._ Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION
+
+_Kind-hearted Old Gent._ "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and
+where do you live!"
+
+_Chorus._ "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SANCTA SIMPLICITAS."--"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have _smiled_ so
+often at me in church?"
+
+"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"
+
+"Behind me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Philanthropic Old Lady_ (_to little boy caressing dog_).
+"That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals."
+
+_Little Boy._ "Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's
+I've got him quiet."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Poor likkle doggie--hasn't got any fevvers on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Master Tom._ "Wish I could catch a cold just before
+Christmas."
+
+_Effie._ "Why?"
+
+_Master Tom._ "Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I?
+_Just!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Please_, auntie, _may_ I have the fairy off the
+Christmas tree--_if I don't ask you for it_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shocked Mother._ "Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?"
+_Tommy_ (_who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary
+course at the village school_). "Fighting with Billy Brown."
+
+_Mother._ "That horrid boy at the farm? Don't you _ever_ quarrel with
+him again!"
+
+_Tommy._ "I ain't likely to. He can _lick_ me!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY
+
+"May I _leave_ this piece of bread, nurse?"
+
+"Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come
+when you'll _want_ a piece of bread!"
+
+"Then I'd better _keep_ this piece of bread till I _do_ want it, nurse.
+Hadn't I?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BLUE FEVER.--_Visitor_ (_after a long discourse on the
+virtues of temperance_). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the
+blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good----"
+
+_Billie Groggins._ "Please, sir, I'm _Hoxford_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISCUSSION ON DIET.--_Little Chris_ (_to little Kate_.) Does your
+governess get ill on mince pies?
+
+_Little Kate._ I don't know! Why?
+
+_Little Chris._ 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat
+any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she _must_ have been
+so herself.
+
+[_Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in
+question._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT IS IT?
+
+_First Boy_ (_loq._). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!--I seen it move!"
+
+_Second Do._ "I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!--I can see 'is
+ears!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dolly._ "Auntie, that's what I've done for the
+cow-drawing competition at school."
+
+_Auntie._ "But it is more like a horse than a cow."
+
+_Dolly._ "It _is_ a horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE GENTLE CRAFT"
+
+_Preceptor_ (_after a lecture_). "Now, what are the principal things
+that are obtained from the earth?"
+
+_Pupil_ (_and "disciple of Izaak Walton"_). "Worms, sir!"
+
+[_Loses fifty marks!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONFESSION.--_Day Governess._ "How is it your French
+exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?"
+
+_Tommy_ (_after considering awhile_). "I don't think auntie knows
+Latin."
+
+[_Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?"
+
+"Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RETALIATION
+
+"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten
+you?"
+
+"No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF LENT
+
+"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up
+something you were fond of?--_sugar_, for instance,--as I suggested?"
+
+"Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactly _sugar_, you know! It was
+_soap_ we agreed to give up!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION
+
+_Ethel_ (_to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new
+governess_). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!"
+
+_Jack._ "Bosh! who cares! This ain't a _real_ corner, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CANDID INQUIRER
+
+"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?"
+
+"No, sir, I think not--except water!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Eva._ "Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o'
+Scots."
+
+_Tom._ "So am I then, Eva."
+
+_Eva._ "Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Is it a _board school_ you go to, my dear?"
+
+_Child._ "No, sir. I believe it be a _brick_ one!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kitty._ "Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?"
+
+_Mr. Pup._ "Wound! What wound?"
+
+_Kitty._ "Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Boy._ "How many steps can you jump, grandma? I
+can jump _four_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INDUCTION
+
+"Is this the _new_ baby, daddy?"--"Yes, dear."
+
+"Why, he's got no teeth!"--"No, dear."
+
+"And he's got no hair!"--"No, dear."
+
+"Oh, daddy, it _must_ be an _old_ baby!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "It's an ill wind blows nobody good."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Horrified little girl_ (_seeing her mamma in evening dress for the
+first time_). Oh, mummy, you're _never_ going down like that! You've
+forgotten to put on your top part!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENGLISH HISTORY.--"And who was the king who had so many wives?"
+
+"Bluebeard!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HER FIRST WASP
+
+_Poor Effie (who has been stung)._ "First it walked about all over my
+hand, and it _was_ so nice! But oh!--_when it sat down_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VERY NATURAL.--"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to
+me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax
+vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!"
+
+"O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE DISTINCTION.--
+
+_Mamma (improving the occasion)._ "I like your new suit immensely,
+Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the
+gentleman!"
+
+_Gerald._ "No, mamma! I know it's the _hat_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Little Montague._ "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!"
+
+_Father._ "Were you? And what was he like, eh?"
+
+_Little Montague._ "Oh, I couldn't see him--it was dark, you know. But
+when he bumped himself on the washstand he said----"
+
+_Father (hastily)._ "There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A RARA AVIS.--_Little Girl (finishing her description of
+the Battle of Cressy)._ "And ever since then the Prince of Wales has
+been born with feathers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A HEAD FOR BUSINESS.--
+
+_Mamma._ "I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but
+in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so----"
+
+_Bobby._ "Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give
+it me to-morrow?"
+
+_Mamma._ "Give you what, dear?"
+
+_Bobby._ "The threepenny bit you _meant_ to give me to-day!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD
+
+"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as
+well as nurse?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEFORE THE HEAD
+
+_Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist)._
+"Please, sir, may I--may I--have gas?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.--"Mamma, _isn't_ it very wicked to do behind
+one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"
+
+"Certainly, Effie!"
+
+"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BY AUTHORITY."--_Street Boy (sternly)._ "P'lice-Serge'nt
+says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (_more
+meekly_) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from
+one of his tenants)._ "And how does your mother make all these beautiful
+patterns on the pats, my dear?"
+
+_Messenger._ "_Wiv our comb, sir!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION
+
+"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I
+hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very
+expensive!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady._ "Have you lost yourself, little boy?"
+
+_Little Boy._ "No--boo-hoo--I've found a street I don't know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ENFANT TERRIBLE"
+
+"I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor. _Please_ drink it!"
+
+"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?"
+
+"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you----!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION
+
+"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's
+'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WELL OUT OF IT"
+
+_Uncle._ "And you love your enemies, Ethel?"
+
+_Ethel (promptly)._ "Yeth, uncle."
+
+_Uncle._ "And who are your enemies, dear?"
+
+_Ethel (in an awful whisper)._ "The dev----"
+
+[_The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the
+subject._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CHILDREN
+
+_Nurse._ "You dreadful children! Where _have_ you been?"
+
+_Young Hopeful._ "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear
+little ducks, but they _will_ come to the top!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Auntie._ "Do you know you are playing with two very
+naughty little boys, Johnny?"
+
+_Johnny._ "Yes."
+
+_Auntie._ "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little
+boys?"
+
+_Johnny._ "Because their mothers won't let them!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK
+
+_Gwendoline._ "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession,
+and I think he's quite right!"
+
+_Mamma._ "Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?"
+
+_Gwendoline._ "I mean to be a professional beauty!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET.--_Master George (whispers)._ "I say!
+Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you '_a lovely spoonful of
+delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice_'?" _Miss Kitty._ "Ess
+Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" _Master George._ "THEN DON'T
+TAKE IT!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVIL COMMUNICATIONS &c.--_Elder of Twins._ "It's _very_
+vulgar to say 'you be _blowed_' to each other, like those men do. Isn't
+it, Uncle Fred?"
+
+_Uncle Fred._ "I believe it _is_ generally considered so, my dear!"
+
+_Elder of Twins._ "Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know, _we_ always say,
+'you be _blown_!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MENS CONSCIA.--_Inspector_ (_who notices a backwardness
+in history_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer._)
+
+_Inspector_ (_more urgently_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer_.)
+
+_Inspector_ (_angrily_). "Who signed Magna Charta?"
+
+_Scapegrace_ (_thinking matters are beginning to look serious_).
+"Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TROP DE ZELE!"--(_Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been
+told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a
+nap._) (_Tommy in the middle of the nap_). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I
+do? _I want to cough!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TENDER CONSIDERATION
+
+"Oh, _don't_ make faces at him, Effie! It might _frighten_ him, you
+know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BY PROXY".
+
+_Humorous Little Boy._ "Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but
+one, four times, sir?"
+
+_Old Gent_ (_gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children_).
+"Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (_Effusively._) "Certainly,
+that I will!"
+
+[_In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the
+third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor----Tableau!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEWS FROM HOME.--_Aunt Mary._ "I've just had a letter
+from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be
+a nice companion for you some day!"
+
+_Geoffrey._ "Oh!----does mummy know?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UTILE CUM DULCI
+
+_Arry._ "Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?"
+
+_Piscator_ (_the Doctor's Boy_). "No, I _ain't_ a comin' along with you,
+I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ZOOLOGY. (_It appears to be coming to that at the Board
+Schools._)--_Examiner_ (_to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth
+standard_). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in
+regard to nesting?"
+
+_Student._ "Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself,
+sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO
+
+_Tommy._ "Them ain't donkeys, Billy?"
+
+_Billy._ "Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys
+on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SPOILT STORY.--_Brown_ (_in the middle of tall shooting
+story_). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a
+rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching
+on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" _Interested
+Little Boy._ "Oh, and which did you shoot first--the lion, or the tiger,
+or the d'lemma?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Uncle_ (_about to start for a concert at Marine
+Pavilion_). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without
+your shoes and stockings?"
+
+_Nora._ "I'm in evening dress, uncle--only it's the other end."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TERTIUM QUID.--"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I
+weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you."
+
+"Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CLINCHER.--"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know
+how to tell it."
+
+"No more do I."
+
+"O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES
+
+"What! _all_ that for grandpa."
+
+"No, darling. It's for you."
+
+"Oh! what a little bit!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT
+
+_Edith._ "Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all
+round."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine
+would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd
+only break it."
+
+_Jacky._ "Oh, but, mother, I'd _promise_ you I'd never let him even
+_touch_ it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON
+
+_Precocious Infant._ "Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW.--_Maud_ (_with much sympathy in
+her voice_). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery
+in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians,
+poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were
+devouring them!"
+
+_Ethel_ (_with still more sympathy_). "Yes, and mamma dear, there was
+_one_ poor tiger that _hadn't got_ a christian!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to son, who has been growing rather free of
+speech_). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give
+you sixpence."
+
+_Tommy._ "All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth
+half-a-crown!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BETWEEN THE ACTS
+
+_Governess._ "Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?"
+
+_Marjorie._ "No--I haven't. I'm only _resting_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WISE CHILD.--_Inspector._ "Suppose I lent your father
+L100 in June, and he promised to pay me back L10 on the first of every
+month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well
+before you answer."
+
+_Pupil._ "L100, sir."
+
+_Inspector._ "You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the
+most elementary rules of arithmetic!"
+
+_Pupil._ "Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.--_Miss Fitzogre._ "Well, good-bye,
+Percival, and be a good boy!"
+
+_Percival_ (_a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to
+make personal remarks about people in their presence_). "Good-bye, I'll
+not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Porter._ "Why is the little girl crying, missie?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late
+nor nuffing's come'd out!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT UNLIKELY
+
+"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dorothy_ (_who has found a broken nest-egg_). "Oh,
+mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more
+eggs. She's broken the pattern!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WASTED SYMPATHY
+
+_Kind-hearted Lady._ "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you
+have! Is it a tooth?"
+
+_Poor Child_ (_with difficulty_). "No 'm--it's a sweet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
+
+"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry
+your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know
+it himself yet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Softly._ "Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon
+in my m-m-m-outh."
+
+_Kitty._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WELL UP IN HER MYTHOLOGY.--_Tommy._ "Madge, what's
+'_necessitas_,' masculine or feminine?"
+
+_Madge._ "Why, feminine, of course."
+
+_Tommy._ "Why?"
+
+_Madge._ "Why, she was the mother of invention."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD
+
+_Mrs. Jinks._ "That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin
+like an angel."
+
+_Tommy._ "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUESTION AND ANSWER
+
+_Mamma._ "Who was the first man, 'Lina?"
+
+_'Lina._ "I forget."
+
+_Mamma._ "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"
+
+_'Lina_ (_after a thoughtful pause_). "Madam!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHEER IGNORANCE
+
+_Benevolent Person._ "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"
+
+_Boy._ "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings
+up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus'll fill 'em with presents!"
+
+"It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill _mine_. I 'aven't got no foots in
+'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON HIS DIGNITY.--_Sam._ "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves
+yesterday."
+
+_Auntie._ "Really! What are they? Kids?"
+
+_Sam._ "No, they're men's."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sharp_ (_but vulgar_) _little boy_. "Hallo, missus, wot
+are those?"
+
+_Old Woman._ "Twopence."
+
+_Boy._ "What a lie! They're apples."
+
+[_Exit, whistling popular air_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DIFFICULT CASE.--_Mamma._ You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I
+shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. _Now_ will you
+be good?
+
+_Tommy_ (_with hesitation_). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after,
+mammy?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Do you know what a lie is, sir?"
+
+_Little Boy._ "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden
+today."
+
+_Boy._ "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET
+
+"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET
+
+"And are _you_ going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?"
+
+"Of course, darling."
+
+"Then _don't_ let it be _something useful_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mamma._ "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on
+Sunday. You must go into the back garden."
+
+_Tommy._ "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROTEST
+
+"And pray, am I _never_ to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW TEST
+
+_Aunt_ (_in alarm_). "_Surely_ you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?"
+
+_Tommy_ (_in doubt_). "F-f-f-feel me!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bilious Old Uncle._ "I'm delighted to see this fall; it
+will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of
+mischief."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOLING.--_Teacher._ What does one mean by "Heaping coals of
+fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins?
+
+_Harry Hawkins._ Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Auntie._ Do you love the chickens, dear?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny
+laugh!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRONOLOGY.--_Old Gentleman_ ("_putting a few questions_"). Now,
+boys--ah--can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he
+took the forbidden fruit?
+
+_Small Scholar_ ("_like a shot_"). Please, sir, th'worn't no
+commandments then, sir!
+
+[_Questioner sits corrected._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT A CHILDREN'S PARTY
+
+DURING TEA
+
+Yes, _isn't_ it a pretty sight.... Oh, they're _much_ too busy to talk
+at present.... Well, if you _would_ take this cup of tea to my little
+girl, dear Mr. Muffett, it would be so----Yes, in the white frock....
+_Pray_ don't apologise--some tea upsets _so_ easily, doesn't it?... Oh!
+I don't suppose it will show, really, and if it _does_.... Please, will
+everybody keep quite quiet for a minute or two; I haven't said my
+grace.... Don't you think it's unfair of nurse? She's handed me
+bread-and-butter twice running!... I mustn't eat sponge-cake, thank you.
+Bath buns are better for me than anything.... I was _so_ ill after
+Christmas. They took my temperament with the barometer, and it was two
+hundred and six!... Oh! that's nothing. When _I_ was ill, the doctor
+said mine was perfectly Norman!... Well, you _might_ lower that
+candleshade a _very_ little, perhaps, Mr. Muffett.... Ah! don't blow
+it out.... Throw it into the fire, quick!... It doesn't matter in the
+_least_. No; I wouldn't trouble about the _other_ shades, thanks....
+Mother, will you read me the text out of my cracker?... But if you're
+going to be a soldier, you oughtn't to shut your eyes when you pull a
+cracker.... Oh! when I'm a soldier, I needn't _go_ to parties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WELL BROUGHT UP.--"Now then, my little men, didn't you
+see that board on that tree?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, then, can't you read?"
+
+"Yes, but we never look at anything marked 'private.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DURING A PERFORMANCE OF PUNCH AND JUDY
+
+_A Thoughtful Child._ What a dreadful thing it would be to have a papa
+like Punch!
+
+_A Puzzled Child._ Mother, why is the man at the side so _polite_ to
+Punch? He calls him "Sir"--is Punch _really_ a gentleman?
+
+_A Good Little Girl._ I do wish they would leave all the fighting out;
+it must set such a bad example to children.
+
+_An Appreciative Boy._ Oh! I say, _did_ you hear what the clown said
+then? He said something had frightened all the hair off his head except
+that little tuft at the top, and it turned _that_ sky-blue!
+
+[_He goes into fits of laughter._
+
+_A Matter-of-fact Boy._ Yes, I heard--but I don't believe it _could_.
+
+_The Child of the House._ I _am_ so glad Tip is shut up downstairs,
+because I'm afraid, if he'd been up here and seen Toby act, he'd have
+wanted to run away and go on the stage himself, and I don't think he's
+the sort of dog who would ever be a _success_, you know!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JOYS OF ANTICIPATION.--"When are you coming out with
+me, mummy?"
+
+"Not this morning, darling. I've too much to do!"
+
+"Oh, but you _must_, mummy. I've already put it in my new diary that you
+_did_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DURING THE DANCING
+
+_Jack._ I say, Mabel, you've got to dance the "Washington Post" with
+_me_.
+
+_Mabel._ I can't. I've promised Teddy Thistledown.
+
+_Jack._ Oh! _that's_ all right. I swapped with him for a Nicaragua
+stamp.
+
+_Mabel_ (_touched_). But aren't they rare? Didn't you want it yourself?
+
+_Jack._ Oh! I don't collect, you know.
+
+_George_ (_to Ethel_). They've given us the whole of "Ivanhoe" to mug up
+for a holiday task. Isn't it a beastly shame?
+
+_Ethel._ But don't you like Scott?
+
+_George._ Oh! I don't mind _Scott_ so much. It's having to grind in
+the holidays that _I_ bar.
+
+_Hester_ (_to Roland_). Shall you go to the pantomime this year?
+
+_Roland._ I don't think so. I'm going to lectures at the Royal
+Institution instead.
+
+_Hester._ That isn't as jolly as the pantomime, is it?
+
+_Roland_ (_impartially_). Not while it's going on, but a lot jollier
+after it's over.
+
+_Mr. Poffley_ (_a middle-aged bachelor, who "likes to make himself
+useful at parties," and is good-naturedly waltzing with little Miss
+Chillington_). Have you--er--been to many parties?
+
+_Miss Chillington_ (_a child of the world_). About the usual amount.
+There's generally a good deal going on just now, isn't there?
+
+_Mr. Poffley._ A--I suppose so. I go out so little now that I've almost
+forgotten _how_ to dance.
+
+_Miss Chillington._ Then you _did_ know once!
+
+_Mr. Poffley_ (_completely demoralised_). I--er--you would rather stop?
+
+_Miss Chillington._ Oh! I don't mind going on, if it amuses you.
+
+[_Mr. Poffley feels that "children are not so grateful as they used
+to be for being noticed," and that it is almost time he gave up
+going to juvenile parties._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RES ANT-IQUAE.--"Auntie dear, where do these fossil shells
+come from?"
+
+"Oh, my dear child, a great many years ago they were washed up here by
+the sea."
+
+"How long ago, auntie dear?"
+
+"Ever so long ago, dear child."
+
+"What! Even before _you_ were born, auntie?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXTREME MEASURES
+
+_Mother._ "If I catch you chasing those hens again, I'll wash your face
+_every day next week_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AFTER SUPPER
+
+_The Hostess_ (_returning to the drawing-room to find the centre of the
+floor occupied by a struggling heap of small boys, surrounded by
+admiring but mystified sisters_). Oh! dear me, what _are_ they doing?
+I'm so afraid my two boys are being too rough, Mrs. Hornblower.
+
+_Mrs. Hornblower_ (_one of a row of complacent matrons_). Oh! not at
+all, dear Mrs. Honeybun, they're having _such_ fun. Your Edwin and
+Arthur are only trying how many boys they can pile on the top of my
+Tommy.
+
+_Mrs. Honeybun._ Is that Tommy underneath? Are you sure he's not getting
+hurt?
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ Oh! he thoroughly enjoys a romp. He's made himself
+perfectly hoarse with laughing. Just listen to him!
+
+_Mrs. Honey._ What a sturdy little fellow he is! And always in such high
+spirits!
+
+_Mrs. Horn_ (_confidentially_). He hasn't seemed quite the thing for the
+last day or two, and I was doubting whether it wouldn't be better to
+keep him at home to-night, but he begged so hard that I really had to
+give way.
+
+_Mrs. Honey._ So glad you did! It doesn't seem to have done him any
+harm.
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ Quite the contrary. And indeed, he couldn't help being the
+better for it; you understand so thoroughly how to make children happy,
+dear Mrs. Honeybun.
+
+_Mrs. Honey._ It's delightful of you to say so; I try my best, but one
+can't always----Last year we had a conjurer, and it was only when he'd
+begun that we found out he was helplessly intoxicated.
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ How disagreeable for you! But this time everything has been
+quite perfect!
+
+_Mrs. Honey._ Well, I really think there has been no----Good gracious!
+I'm _sure_ somebody is being suffocated! _Did_ you hear that?
+
+[_From the core of the heap proceeds a sound at which every mother's
+heart quakes--a smothered cough ending in a long-drawn and ominous
+"oo-ook."_
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ Depend upon it, that's whooping-cough! Tommy, come here
+this minute. (_Tommy emerges, crimson and crowing lustily; the mothers
+collect their offspring in dismay_). Oh! Tommy, Tommy, don't tell me
+it's _you_! It--it can't be _that_, dear Mrs. Honeybun; he's been
+nowhere where he could possibly----You naughty boy, you _know_ you are
+only pretending. Don't let me hear that horrid noise again.
+
+_Tommy_ (_injured_). But, mummy, _really_ I wasn't----
+
+[_He justifies himself by producing a series of whoops with an
+unmistakably genuine ring_.
+
+_Mrs. Horn._ I think it's only a rather severe attack of hiccoughs, dear
+Mrs. Honeybun; but still, perhaps--just to be on the safe side--I'd
+better----
+
+[_She departs in confusion, the crowd on the stairs dividing like
+Red Sea waves as Tommy proclaims his approach._
+
+_Mrs. Honey_ (_after the last guest has gone_). I knew _something_ would
+happen! I must say it was _most_ inconsiderate of Mrs. Hornblower to
+bring that wretched little Tommy out and break up the party like
+this--it's not as if we were really _intimate_! Still, it was ridiculous
+of everybody else to hurry off too, as if whooping-cough was anything to
+be so mortally afraid of! I wasn't in the _least_ myself, as they might
+have seen. But perhaps it _is_ just as well that Edwin and Arthur had it
+last winter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+READY ANSWER.--_Uncle._ Now, how did the mother of Moses hide him?
+
+_Niece._ With a stick, uncle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE FACE OF IT
+
+_Pretty Teacher._ "Now, Johnny Wells, can you tell me what is meant by a
+miracle?"
+
+_Johnny._ "Yes, teacher. Mother says if you dun't marry new parson,
+'twull be a murracle!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DUET
+
+_Fond Mother_ (_to young hopeful, who has been sent upstairs to a room
+by himself as a punishment_). "You can come down now, Jacky."
+
+_Young Hopeful._ "Can't. I'se singing a duet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNCLE'S BANK HOLIDAY
+
+"Oh, uncle, we're so glad we've met you. We want you to take us on the
+roundabout, and stay on it till tea-time!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Young Masher_ (_to rival_). "I say, old, chap, I hear
+you're an excellent runner. Is that true?"
+
+_Rival_ (_eagerly_). "Rather!"
+
+_Young Masher._ "Well, then, run home!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Aunt._ Why, Tommy, I've only just taken a splinter out of your hand,
+and now you've let pussy scratch you. How did that happen?
+
+_Tommy_ (_who has been tampering with the cat's whiskers_). Well, I was
+only trying to get some of the splinters out of her face!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various
+
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