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diff --git a/33858-8.txt b/33858-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e3c4867..0000000 --- a/33858-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,15186 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventurous Simplicissimus being the -description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim, by Hans Jacob Christoph von Grimmelshausen - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Adventurous Simplicissimus being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim - -Author: Hans Jacob Christoph von Grimmelshausen - -Release Date: October 14, 2010 [EBook #33858] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTUROUS *** - - - - -Produced by Charles Bowen, from page scans provided by the Web Archive - - - - - - - - -Page scan source: -http://www.archive.org/details/adventuroussimpl00grimrich -2. Book V skips numbering between Chap. xviii. and xx. - - - - - - - THE ADVENTUROUS - - Simplicissimus - - - - - - _The first English Edition of_ - Simplicissimus - _is limited to 1000 copies_ - _of which this is No_. 11. - - - - - -[Illustration: Facsimile title page of the first German Edition.] - - - - - Der Abentheursiche - SIMPLICISSIMUS - Teutsch - Das ist: - Die Beschreibung dess Lebes eines - seltzamen Vaganten / genant Melchior - Sternfels von Fuchshaim / wo und welcher - gestalt Er nemlich in diese Welt kommen / was - er darinn gesehen / gelernet / erfahren und - aussgestanden / auch warumb er solche wieder - feywillig quittirt. - - Überauss lustig / und männiglich - nutzlich zu lesen. - An Tag geben - Von - - German Schleifheim - von Sulsfort. - - - - Monpelgart / - Gedruckt bey Johann Fillion / - Im Jahr M DC LXIX. - - - Facsimile title page of the first German Edition. - - - - - - THE ADVENTUROUS - - Simplicissimus - - - BEING THE DESCRIPTION OF THE LIFE - OF A STRANGE VAGABOND NAMED - - MELCHIOR STERNFELS VON FUCHSHAIM - - WRITTEN IN GERMAN BY - - HANS JACOB CHRISTOPH - VON GRIMMELSHAUSEN - - AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME - DONE INTO ENGLISH - - - - - LONDON - WILLIAM HEINEMANN - MCMXII - - - - - - - _Copyright_ 1912 - - - - - - - TO - DR. OTTO SCHLAPP - - Lecturer in German in the University of Edinburgh, - as a tribute to his successful endeavours - to promote the knowledge of the - German Classics in Britain, and in - memory of a mutual friend, - Robert Fitzroy Bell - - - - - - -CONTENTS - - -INTRODUCTION - - -BOOK I. - -_Chap. i._: Treats of Simplicissimus' rustic descent and of his -upbringing answering thereto - -_Chap. ii._: Of the first step towards that dignity to which -Simplicissimus attained, to which is added the praise of shepherds and -other excellent precepts - -_Chap. iii._: Treats of the sufferings of a faithful bagpipe - -_Chap. iv._: How Simplicissimus' palace was stormed, plundered, and -ruinated, and in what sorry fashion the soldiers kept house there - -_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus took french leave and how he was -terrified by dead trees - -_Chap. vi._: Is so short and so prayerful that Simplicissimus thereupon -swoons away - -_Chap. vii._: How Simplicissimus was in a poor lodging kindly entreated - -_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus by his noble discourse proclaimed his -excellent qualities - -_Chap. ix._: How Simplicissimus was changed from a wild beast into a -Christian - -_Chap. x._: In what manner he learned to read and write in the wild -woods - -_Chap. xi._: Discourseth of foods, household stuff, and other necessary -concerns, which folk must have in this earthly life - -_Chap. xii._: Tells of a notable fine way, to die happy and to have -oneself buried at a small cost - -_Chap. xiii._: How Simplicissimus was driven about like a straw in a -whirlpool - -_Chap. xiv._: A quaint comedia of five peasants - -_Chap. xv._: How Simplicissimus was plundered, and how he dreamed of -the peasants and how they fared in times of war - -_Chap. xvi._: Of the ways and works of soldiers nowadays, and how -hardly a common soldier can get promotion - -_Chap. xvii._: How it happens that, whereas in war the nobles are ever -put before the common men, yet many do attain from despised rank to -high honours - -_Chap. xviii._: How Simplicissimus took his first step into the world -and that with evil luck - -_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus was captured by Hanau and Hanau by -Simplicissimus - -_Chap. xx._: In what wise he was saved from prison and torture - -_Chap. xxi._: How treacherous Dame Fortune cast on Simplicissimus a -friendly glance - -_Chap. xxii._: Who the hermit was by whom Simplicissimus was cherished - -_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus became a page: and likewise, how the -hermit's wife was lost - -_Chap. xxiv._: How Simplicissimus blamed the world and saw many idols -therein - -_Chap. xxv._: How Simplicissimus found the world all strange and the -world found him strange likewise - -_Chap. xxvi._: A new and strange way for men to wish one another luck -and to welcome one another - -_Chap. xxvii._: How Simplicissimus discoursed with the secretary, and -how he found a false friend - -_Chap. xxviii._: How Simplicissimus got two eyes out of one calf's-head - -_Chap. xxix._: How a man step by step may attain unto intoxication and -finally unawares become blind drunk - -_Chap. xxx._: Still treats of naught but of drinking bouts, and how to -be rid of parsons thereat - -_Chap. xxxi._: How the Lord Governor shot a very foul fox - -_Chap. xxxii._: How Simplicissimus spoiled the dance - - - -BOOK II. - -_Chap. i._: How a goose and a gander were mated - -_Chap. ii._: Concerning the merits and virtues of a good bath at the -proper season - -_Chap. iii._: How the other page received payment for his teaching, and -how Simplicissimus was chosen to be a fool - -_Chap. iv._: Concerning the man that pays the money, and of the -military service that Simplicissimus did for the Crown of Sweden: -through which service he got the name of Simplicissimus - -_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus was by four devils brought into hell and -there treated with Spanish wine - -_Chap. vi._: How Simplicissimus went up to heaven and was turned into a -calf - -_Chap. vii._: How Simplicissimus accommodated himself to the state of a -brute beast - -_Chap. viii._: Discourseth of the wondrous memory of some and the -forgetfulness of others - -_Chap. ix._: Crooked praise of a proper lady - -_Chap. x._: Discourseth of naught but heroes and famous artists - -_Chap. xi._: Of the toilsome and dangerous office of a Governor - -_Chap. xii._: Of the sense and knowledge of certain unreasoning animals - -_Chap. xiii._: Of various matters which whoever will know must either -read them or have them read to him - -_Chap. xiv._: How Simplicissimus led the life of a nobleman, and how -the Croats robbed him of this when they stole himself - -_Chap. xv._: Of Simplicissimus' life with the troopers, and what he saw -and learned among the Croats - -_Chap. xvi._: How Simplicissimus found goodly spoils, and how he became -a thievish brother of the woods - -_Chap. xvii._: How Simplicissimus was present at a dance of witches - -_Chap. xviii._: Doth prove that no man can lay to Simplicissimus' -charge that he doth draw the long bow - -_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus became a fool again as he had been a -fool before - -_Chap. xx._: Is pretty long, and treats of playing with dice and what -hangs thereby - -_Chap. xxi._: Is somewhat shorter and more entertaining than the last - -_Chap. xxii._: A rascally trick to step into another man's shoes - -_Chap. xxiii._: How Ulrich Herzbruder sold himself for a hundred ducats - -_Chap. xxiv._: How two prophecies were fulfilled at once - -_Chap. xxv._: How Simplicissimus was transformed from a boy into a girl -and fell into divers adventures of love - -_Chap. xxvi._: How he was imprisoned for a traitor and enchanter - -_Chap. xxvii:_ How the Provost fared in the battle of Wittstock - -_Chap. xxviii._: Of a great battle wherein the conqueror is captured in -the hour of triumph - -_Chap. xxix._: How a notably pious soldier fared in Paradise, and how -the huntsman filled his place - -_Chap. xxx._: How the huntsman carried himself when he began to learn -the trade of war: wherefrom a young soldier may learn somewhat - -_Chap. xxxi._: How the devil stole the parson's bacon and how the -huntsman caught himself - - - -BOOK III. - -_Chap. i._: How the huntsman went too far to the left hand - -_Chap. ii._: How the huntsman of Soest did rid himself of the huntsman -of Wesel - -_Chap. iii._: How the Great God Jupiter was captured and how he -revealed the counsels of the gods - -_Chap. iv._: Of the German hero that shall conquer the whole world and -bring peace to all nations - -_Chap. v._: How he shall reconcile all religions and cast them in the -same mould - -_Chap. vi._: How the embassy of the fleas fared with Jupiter - -_Chap. vii._: How the huntsman again secured honour and booty - -_Chap. viii._: How he found the devil in the trough, and how -Jump-i'-th'-field got fine horses - -_Chap. ix._: Of an unequal combat in which the weakest wins the day and -the conqueror is captured - -_Chap. x._: How the Master-General of Ordnance granted the huntsman his -life and held out hopes of great things - -_Chap. xi._: Contains all manner of matters of little import and great -imagination - -_Chap. xii._: How fortune unexpected bestowed on the huntsman a noble -present - -_Chap. xiii._: Of Simplicissimus' strange fancies and castles in the -air, and how he guarded his treasure - -_Chap. xiv._: How the huntsman was captured by the enemy - -_Chap. xv._: On what condition the huntsman was set free - -_Chap. xvi._: How Simplicissimus became a nobleman - -_Chap. xvii._: How the huntsman disposed himself to pass his six -months: and also somewhat of the prophetess - -_Chap. xviii._: How the huntsman went a wooing, and made a trade of it - -_Chap. xix._: By what means the huntsman made friends, and how he was -moved by a sermon - -_Chap. xx._: How he gave the faithful priest other fish to fry, to -cause him to forget his own hoggish life - -_Chap. xxi._: How Simplicissimus all unawares was made a married man - -_Chap. xxii._: How Simplicissimus held his wedding feast and how he -purposed to begin his new life - -_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus came to a certain town (which he -nameth for convenience Cologne) to fetch his treasure - -_Chap. xxiv._: How the huntsman caught a hare in the middle of a town - - - -BOOK IV. - -_Chap. i._: How and for what reason the huntsman was jockeyed away into -France - -_Chap. ii._: How Simplicissimus found a better host than before - -_Chap. iii._: How he became a stage player and got himself a new name - -_Chap. iv._: How Simplicissimus departed secretly and how he believed -he had the Neapolitan disease - -_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus pondered on his past life, and how with -the water up to his mouth he learned to swim - -_Chap. vi._: How he became a vagabond quack and a cheat - -_Chap. vii._: How the doctor was fitted with a musquet under Captain -Curmudgeon - -_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus endured a cheerless bath in the Rhine - -_Chap. ix._: Wherefore clergymen should never eat hares that have been -taken in a snare - -_Chap. x._: How Simplicissimus was all unexpectedly quit of his musquet - -_Chap. xi._: Discourses of the Order of the Marauder Brothers - -_Chap. xii._: Of a desperate fight for life in which each party doth -yet escape death - -_Chap. xiii._: How Oliver conceived that he could excuse his brigand's -tricks - -_Chap. xiv._: How Oliver explained Herzbruder's prophecy to his own -profit, and so came to love his worst enemy - -_Chap. xv._: How Simplicissimus thought more piously when he went -a-plundering than did Oliver when he went to church - -_Chap. xvi._: Of Oliver's descent, and how he behaved in his youth, and -specially at school - -_Chap. xvii._: How he studied at Liège, and how he there demeaned -himself - -_Chap. xviii._: Of the homecoming and departure of this worshipful -student, and how he sought to obtain advancement in the wars - -_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus fulfilled Herzbruder's prophecy to -Oliver before yet either knew the other - -_Chap. xx._: How it doth fare with a man on whom evil fortune doth rain -cats and dogs - -_Chap. xxi._: A brief example of that trade which Oliver followed, -wherein he was a master and Simplicissimus should be a prentice - -_Chap. xxii._: How Oliver bit the dust and took six good men with him - -_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus became a rich man and Herzbruder -fell into great misery - -_Chap. xxiv._: Of the manner in which Herzbruder fell into such evil -plight - - - -BOOK V. - -_Chap. i._: How Simplicissimus turned palmer and went on a pilgrimage -with Herzbruder - -_Chap. ii._: How Simplicissimus, being terrified of the devil, was -converted - -_Chap. iii._: How the two friends spent the winter - -_Chap. iv._: In what manner Simplicissimus and Herzbruder went to the -wars again and returned thence - -_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus rode courier and in the likeness of -Mercury learned from Jove what his design was as regards war and peace - -_Chap. vi._: A story of a trick that Simplicissimus played at the spa - -_Chap. vii._: How Herzbruder died and how Simplicissimus again fell to -wanton courses - -_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus found his second marriage turn out, -and how he met with his dad and learned who his parents had been - -_Chap. ix._: In what manner the pains of childbirth came upon him, and -how he became a widower - -_Chap. x._: Relation of certain peasants concerning the wonderful -Mummelsee - -_Chap. xi._: Of the marvellous thanksgiving of a patient, and of the -holy thoughts thereby awakened in Simplicissimus - -_Chap. xii._: How Simplicissimus journeyed with the sylphs to the -centre of the earth - -_Chap. xvii._: How Simplicissimus returned from the middle of the -earth, and of his strange fancies, his air-castles, his calculations; -and how he reckoned without his host - -_Chap. xviii._: How Simplicissimus wasted his spring in the wrong place - -_Chap. xx._: Treats of a trifling promenade from the Black Forest to -Moscow in Russia - -_Chap. xxi._: How Simplicissimus further fared in Moscow - -_Chap. xxii._: By what a short and merry road he came home to his dad - -_Chap. xxiii._: Is very short and concerneth Simplicissimus alone - -_Chap. xxiv._: Why and in what fashion Simplicissimus left the world -again - - - -APPENDIX A -CONTINUATION - -_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus and a carpenter escaped from a -shipwreck with their lives and were thereafter provided with a land of -their own - -_Chap. xx._: How they hired a fair cook-maid and by God's help were rid -of her again - -_Chap. xxi._: How they thereafter kept house together and how they set -to work - -_Chap. xxii._: Further sequel of the above story, and how Simon Meron -left the island and this life, and how Simplicissimus remained the sole -lord of the island - -_Chap. xxiii._: In which the hermit concludes his story and therewith -ends these his six books - - - -APPENDIX B - - - -APPENDIX C - -"Continuatio," _chap. xiii._: How Simplicissimus in return for a -night's lodging, taught his host a curious art - - - - -[Illustration: Frontispiece of the First Edition from the Ducal -Library. Wolf Buettel.] - - - - - - INTRODUCTION - - -The translation here presented to the public is intended rather as a -contribution to the history, or perhaps it should be said the -sociology, of the momentous period to which the romance of -"Simplicissimus" belongs, than as a specimen of literature. Effective -though its situations are, consistent and artistic though its -composition is (up to a certain point), its interest lies chiefly in -the pictures, or rather photographs, of contemporary manners and -characters which it presents. It has been said with some truth that if -succeeding romancers had striven as perseveringly as our author to -embody the spirit and reflect the ways of the people, German fiction -might long ago have reached as high a development as the English novel. -As it is, there is little of such spirit to be discovered in the prose -romances which appeared between the time of Grimmelshausen and that of -Jean Paul Richter. But the influence of the latter was completely swept -away in the torrent of idealism by which the fictions of the idolised -Goethe and his followers were characterised, and his domestic realism -has only of late made its reappearance in disquieting and sordid forms. - -It should be remembered as an apology for the stress now laid upon the -sociological side of the history of the Thirty Years War, that that -side has by historians been resolutely thrust into the background. The -most detailed and painstaking narratives of the war are either bare -records of military operations or, worse still, represent merely -meticulous and valueless unravellings of the web of intrigue with which -the pedants of the time deceived themselves into the belief that they -were very Machiavels of subtlety and resource. While the Empire was -bleeding to death, the chancelleries of half Europe were intent on the -detaching from one side or the other of a venal general, or the -patching up of some partial armistice that might afford breathing-time -to organise further mischief. It does not matter much to any one -whether Wallenstein was knave or fool, but it did matter and does -matter that the war crippled for two hundred years the finances, the -agriculture, and the enterprise of the German people, and dealt a blow -to their patriotism from the like of which few nations could have -recovered. Even the character of the civil administration was -completely altered when the struggle ended. An army of capable -bourgeois secretaries and councillors had for centuries served their -princes and their fellow subjects well. It is wonderful that throughout -the devastating wars waged by Wallenstein and Weimar, and even later on -during the organised raids of Wrangel and Königsmark, the records were -kept, the village business administered (where there was a village -left), and even revenue collected with wellnigh as much regularity as -in time of peace. These functionaries, who had worked so well, were at -the end of the war gradually dispossessed of their influence, and their -posts were taken by a swarm of young place-hunters of noble birth whom -the peace had deprived of their proper employment, and whose pride was -only equalled by their incapacity. But neither particulars nor -generalisations bearing on such subjects are to be found in the pages -of professional historians; they must be sought in the contemporary -records of the people, of which the present work affords one of the few -existing specimens, or else in the work of picturesque writers who, -laying no claim to the title of scientific investigators, yet possess -the power of selecting salient facts and deducing broad conclusions -from them. Freitag's "Bilder aus der Deutschen Vergangenheit" indicates -a wealth of material for sociological study which has as yet been but -charily used; and recent German works dealing directly with the subject -are more remarkable for elegance of production than for depth of -research. - -Such being the purpose for which this translation has been undertaken, -an Introduction to it must necessarily be concerned not so much with -the bibliography of the book or even the sources, if any, to which the -author was beholden for his material, as with his own personality and -the amount of actual fact that underlies the narrative of the -fictitious hero's adventures. In respect of the first point, we are -presented with a biography almost as shadowy and elusive as that of -Shakespeare. In many ways, indeed, the particulars of the lives of -these two which we possess are curiously alike. Both were voluminous -writers; both enjoyed considerable contemporary reputation; and in both -cases our knowledge of their actual history is confined to a few -statements by persons who lived somewhat later than themselves, and a -few formal documents and entries. In Grimmelshausen's case this -obscurity is increased by his practice of publishing under assumed -names. In the score of romances and tracts which are undoubtedly his -work, we find only two to which his real name is attached. He has nine -other pseudonyms, nearly all anagrams of the words "Christoffel von -Grimmelshausen." Of these, "German Schleifheim von Sulsfort" and -"Samuel Greifnsohn vom Hirschfelt" are the best known; the latter being -the name to which he most persistently clung, and under which -"Simplicissimus" was published, though the former appears on the -title-page as that of the "editor." Only as the signature to a kind of -advertisement at the end do we find the initials of "Hans Jacob -Christoffel von Grimmelshausen," his full name. Until the publication -of a collection of his works by Felsecker at Nuremberg in 1685, the -true authorship of most of them remained unknown. But that editor, by -his allusions in the preface, practically identified the writer as the -"Schultheiss of Renchen, near Strassburg," whom he seems to have known -personally. The reasons for anonymity were, no doubt, firstly, the fact -that "Simplicissimus" at least dealt with the actions of men yet -alive; and secondly, with regard to the other books, the continual -references to details of the author's own life and opinions. His dread -of offending a contemporary is shown by his disguising of the name of -St. André, the commandant of Lippstadt, as N. de S. A. of L. (bk. iii., -chap. 15). - -It is unnecessary here to enter into a discussion of the authorities -from whom the meagre particulars of Grimmelshausen's life are drawn. It -may suffice for our present purpose to indicate the main events of that -life. He was born at Gelnhausen, near Hanau, about 1625--probably of a -humble family. At the age of ten he was captured by Hessian (that is, -be it remembered, anti-Imperialist) troops, and became a member of that -"unseliger Tross"--the unholy crew of horseboys, harlots, sutlers, and -hangers-on who followed the armies on both sides, and sometimes -outnumbered them three to one. In 1648, the last year of the war, the -whole Imperial army only numbered 40,000 fighting men, and the -recognised camp-followers, who were commanded and kept in order by -officers significantly named the "Provosts of the Harlots," no less -than 140,000. In the preface to one of his works called the "Satyrical -Pilgrim," Grimmelshausen speaks of himself as having been "a -musqueteer" at the age of ten--a statement which is obviously to be -taken in the same sense in which Simplicissimus tells us (bk. ii., -chap. 4) how he "served the crown of Sweden" at a similar age as a -soldier, and drew pay for it. As a matter of fact, Grimmelshausen -probably served a musqueteer or several musqueteers, just as the "Boy" -in Henry V. serves Ancient Pistol and his comrades. From another book, -the "Everlasting Almanack," we learn that he was a soldier under the -Imperialist general Götz, lay in garrison at Offenburg, the free city -alluded to in book v., chapter 20, and also for a long time in the -famous fortress of Philippsburg, of his residence in which he tells -various anecdotes. There are traces both in "Simplicissimus" and his -other books of a wide and unusual acquaintance with many lands, German -and non-German. He knows both Westphalia and Saxony well; Bohemia also: -and certainly Switzerland. The journey to Russia may have some -foundation in fact, though the statement put into the mouth of -Simplicissimus that he has himself seen the fabulous "sheep plant" (bk. -v., chap. 22) growing in Siberia considerably detracts from his -trustworthiness here. But when he left the army, and whether he ever -attained to any reputable rank therein, is quite uncertain. If 1625 be -the correct date of his birth he would be but twenty-three years old at -the conclusion of peace. - -Besides his military expeditions, it is pretty clear from his works -that he had visited Amsterdam and Paris and knew them fairly well; but -for nineteen years we have no further trace of his career, till he -suddenly appears as Schultheiss, under the Bishop of Strassburg, of -Renchen, now in the Grand Duchy of Baden, a town of which he -deliberately conceals the name exactly as he does his own, by anagrams, -calling it now Rheinec, now Cernheim. In October 1667 he appears as -holding this office and issuing an order concerning the mills of the -town, which is still in existence. His wife was Katharina Henninger, -and entries have been found of the birth of two children, a daughter -and a son, in 1669 and 1675. A curious episode in the first part of the -"Enchanted Bird's-nest," quoted hereafter, seems to indicate a grave -family disappointment. In 1676 he died, aged fifty-one only, but having -reached what may almost be called a ripe age for the battered and spent -soldier of the Thirty Years War. The entry of his death is peculiarly -full and even discursive, and tells how though he had again entered on -military service--no doubt on the occasion of the French invasion in -1674--and though his sons and daughters were living in places widely -distant from each other, they were all present at his death, in which -he was fortified by the rites of Holy Church. A final touch of -uncertainty is added by the fact that we do not even know whether -Grimmelshausen was his true name: it is more likely to be that of some -small estate which he had acquired, and of which he assumed the name -when, as we learn, he was raised to noble rank. - -It is plain even from this brief outline of his life that -Grimmelshausen was emphatically a self-taught man; and it is partly to -this fact that we owe the originality of his work; for he had never -fallen under the baleful influence of the pedantry of his time. He had, -it is true, picked up a deal of out-of-the-way knowledge, which he is -willing enough to set before us to the verge of tediousness. But his -learning is very superficial; he was a poor Latinist; and it is likely -that for most of his erudition he was indebted to the translations -which were particularly plentiful during that golden period of material -prosperity in Germany which preceded the terrible war. It is clear -enough that everywhere he thought more of the content than of the -literary form of his own or any other work; and for the times his -scientific and mathematical knowledge was considerable. In the field of -romance he knows, and does not hesitate to borrow from, Boccaccio, -Bandello ("Simplicissimus," bk. iv., chaps. 4, 5), and the "Cent -Nouvelles Nouvelles," while in his minor works he shows ample -acquaintance with old German legend and also with stories like that of -King Arthur of England. Lastly, we find him commending the -"incomparable Arcadia" of Sir Philip Sidney (which he would have read -in the translation of Martin Opitz) as a model of eloquence, but -corrupting and enervating in its effect upon the manly virtues -("Simplicissimus," bk. iii., chap. 18). - -Yet his own earlier works are themselves in the tedious, unreal, and -stilted style of the romances of chivalry. "The Chaste Joseph," -"Dietrich and Amelind," and "Proximus and Limpida," though widely -different in subject, are alike in this, and show no sign of the genius -which created Simplicissimus. Yet for the first-named work--the -"Joseph"--its author cherished an unreasoning affection, and even -alludes to it in our romance as the work of the hero himself (bk. iii., -chap. 19). But it is no discredit to Grimmelshausen's originality if we -conjecture that the translations of Spanish picaresque novels (chiefly -by the untiring Aegidius Albertini), which appeared during the first -two decades of the seventeenth century, gave him the idea--they gave -him little or nothing more--of a vagabond hero. Mateo Aleman's famous -"Guzman de Alfarache" had been succeeded by two miserably poor "Second -Parts" by different authors, and in one of these there appears a -tedious episode containing the submarine adventures of the hero under -the form of a tunny-fish, to which we may conceivably owe the equally -tedious story of Simplicissimus and the sylphs of the Mummelsee. At the -end of the original book (bk. v., chap. 24) is an unblushing copy of a -passage from a work of Antonio Quevara or Guevara, also translated by -Albertini. - -That Grimmelshausen died a Romanist is pretty clear from the entry of -his death quoted above; nor is it likely that a Protestant could have -held the office of Schultheiss under the Bishop of Strassburg. There is -also extant a curious dialogue ascribed to Grimmelshausen in which -Simplicissimus's arguments against changing his religion are combated -and finally overthrown by a certain Bonarnicus, who effects his -complete conversion. It is far from improbable that the account of his -rescue from sinful indifference at Einsiedel which Simplicissimus gives -(bk. v., chap. 2)--of course apart from the miraculous incident of the -attack on him by the unclean spirit--roughly represents the experience -of his author. That the latter had been brought up a Protestant we -simply assume from the fact that Simplicissimus is understood to have -been so; the first indication which we have of a change in his opinions -being his exclamation of "Jesus Maria!" (bk. iii., chap. 20), which -draws upon him the suspicions of the pastor at Lippstadt. But Papist or -not, our author's superstition is unmistakable. - -It was indeed a time, like all periods of intense human misery, in -which men, it might almost be said, turned in despair to the powers of -hell because they had lost all faith in those of heaven. That numbers -of the unhappy wretches who suffered in their thousands for witchcraft -during the first period of the war actually believed themselves in -direct communication with the devil is certain. The Bishop of -Würzburg's fortnightly "autos-da-fé" were only stopped when some of the -victims denounced the prelate himself as their accomplice, apparently -believing it. Grimmelshausen is ready to believe anything. His -description of the Witches' Sabbath is that of a scene which he is -firmly convinced is a possible one; and he stoutly defends by a -multitude of preposterous stories the reasonableness of such conviction -("Simplicissimus," bk. ii., chaps. 17, 18). But among soldiers the most -widely spread superstition was that concerned with invulnerability. Not -only separate individuals, but whole bodies of troops were supposed to -be "frozen," or proof, at all events, against leaden bullets. Christian -of Brunswick actually employed his ducal brother's workers in glass to -make balls of that material to be used against Tilly's troops, who were -credited with this supernatural property; and when the small fortress -of Rogäz, near Dessau, was captured by Mansfeld in 1626, the assailants -were forbidden to use their fire-arms as useless; the members of the -garrison, being wizards all, were clubbed to death with hedge-stakes or -the butt-ends of musquets. In all probability this superstition arose -mainly from observation of the very small penetrating power of the -ammunition of the time. Oliver (bk. iv., chap. 14) is merely bruised on -the forehead by a bullet fired a few paces off: and bullets then -weighed ten to the pound. It is true that he has, as it seems, been -rendered ball-proof by the wicked old Provost Marshal, whose skull -Herzbruder (bk. ii., chap. 27) caused his own servant to split with an -axe at Wittstock, when no pistol could slay him: but the peasant in -book i., chapter 14, cannot be killed by a bullet fired close to his -head, perhaps by reason of the thickness of his skull. To celebrated -persons particularly the reputation of being "gefroren" attached. Count -Adam Terzky, Wallenstein's confidant, was supposed to be so protected: -the superstition regarding Claverhouse, who could only be killed with a -silver bullet, is well known: and even as late as 1792 there was a -belief among his soldiers that Frederick William II. of Prussia was -invulnerable. Grimmelshausen's adventuress "Courage" (of whom more -hereafter) is supposed to be "sword-and bullet-proof": and towards the -end of the war "Passau Tickets," or amulets protecting against wounds, -were manufactured and sold, while a host of minor magic arts, more or -less connected with invulnerability, were believed to exist. For such -tricks the passage from the generally uninteresting "Continuatio," -which is given as Appendix B of this book, is a kind of "locus -classicus." - -Another whole cycle of superstitions centres round the belief in -possible invisibility of persons. Of this we have no example in -"Simplicissimus," though the whole plot of the delightful double -romance of the "Enchanted Bird's-nest" (also fully discussed hereafter) -depends on it. On the other hand, the story of the production of the -puppies from the pockets of the colonel's guests by the wizard Provost -in book, ii., chap. 22, is narrated by a man who plainly believed such -things possible; and absolute credence is given to the powers of -prophecy possessed both by old Herzbruder (bk. ii., chaps. 23, 24) and -by the fortune-teller of Soest (bk. iii., chap. 17), who is apparently -a well-known character of the times. It is noteworthy that Herzbruder -thinks meanly of the art of palmistry. - -Coming to the actual career of Simplicissimus as chronicled in the -romance which bears his name, we are at the outset confronted by some -strange chronology. The boy is born just after the battle of Höchst in -1622, and is captured by the troopers when ten years old; he is with -the hermit two years (bk. i., chap. 12) till the latter's death, and -makes his first "spring into the world" after the battle of Nördlingen -in the autumn of 1634. He is in Hanau during Ramsay's rule, and spends -there the winter of 1634-5. In the spring of 1635 (there was still ice -on the town-moat) he was captured by Croats. The following eighteen -months are occupied by his adventures as a forest-thief and as a -servant-girl, and the next certain note of time we have is that of the -battle of Wittstock, September 24, 1636. There follow the happenings at -Soest and the six months internment at Lippstadt. But at the time of -the siege of Breisach, in the winter of 1638, he has long been back -from Paris; his marriage, therefore, must have taken place before the -completion of his sixteenth year. Strange as this may appear, the story -appears to be deliberately so arranged. For it will be observed that -just before the lad's capture by the Swedes it is plainly implied (bk. -iii., chap. 11) that he has not yet arrived at the age of puberty. -Grimmelshausen intends him to be a "Wunderkind"--a youthful prodigy; -and such an explanation is far more likely than that the author is -simply careless and counting on the carelessness of his readers to -conceal the incongruity. For the continual references to the time of -year at which various events happen seem to prove that he had sketched -for himself something like a chronology of his fictitious hero's life. -And it is exceedingly difficult ever to detect him in the smallest -false note of time. The date of the banquet and dance at Hanau is -exactly fixed by the capture of Braunfels in January 1635 (bk. i., -chap. 29): and Orb and Staden _had_ both been captured before -Simplicissimus could well have delivered his oration on the miseries of -a governor (bk. ii., chap. 12). These may seem small matters, but it -must be remembered that Grimmelshausen had no Dictionary of Dates -before him. The battle of Jankow in 1645 gives us the last exact date -to be found in the book, and Tittmann is probably right in assuming -that with that engagement the author's personal connection with the war -ceased. By the time Simplicissimus returns from his Eastern wanderings -the "German Peace" had been concluded. - -At the very beginning of Simplicissimus's story he is brought in -contact with at least one historical personage--James Ramsay, the -Swedish commandant of Hanau, whose heroic defence of that town is well -known. Simplicissimus is said to be the son of his brother-in-law, one -Captain Sternfels von Fuchsheim. This man's Christian name is nowhere -given; the boy is expressly said by his foster-father (bk. v., chap. -8) to have been christened Melchior after himself, and the fictitious -character of the supposed parentage seems amply proved by the fact that -the whole name, "Melchior Sternfels von Fugshaim" (as it is often -spelt), is an exact anagram of "Christoffel von Grimmelshausen." We may -therefore pass over as unmeaning the attribution to this supposed -father of "estates in Scotland." by the pastor in book i., chapter 22, -and must probably consign to the realms of imagination the lady-mother, -Susanna Ramsay, also. That Grimmelshausen was really brought in -contact, possibly as a page, with the commandant of Hanau, seems -likely. He knows a good deal of him. But of his later career he is -quite ignorant; he even repeats as true the malignant calumny -circulated by the Jesuits of Vienna to the effect that Ramsay had gone -mad with rage at the loss of Hanau (bk. v., chap. 8). As a matter of -fact, the poor man died partly of his wounds and partly of a broken -heart. The only other historic personage in the story who can be -identified with certainty is Daniel St. André, a Hessian soldier of -fortune (bk. iii., chap. 15) of Dutch descent, and commanding at -Lippstadt for the "Crown of Sweden." - -For what reason Grimmelshausen wrote the "Continuatio," a dull medley -of allegories, visions, and stories of knavery, brightened only by the -"Robinsonade" at the end, it is hard to say; probably at the urgent -request of his publisher, when the striking success of the original -work became assured. It appeared at Möpelgard (Montéliard) in the very -same year, viz. 1669, as the first known edition, or more probably -editions, of the first five books, and is sometimes quoted as a sixth -book. Two years later there were issued three more "Continuations," -even more unworthy of their author, and laying stress chiefly on -the least estimable side of the hero's character--the roguery -by which he paid his way on his journey back from France. The -worthlessness of these sequels is the more remarkable when we consider -the excellence of the other books which make up what may be called the -Simplicissimus-cycle. These are "Trutzsimplex," "Springinsfeld," the -two parts of the "Enchanted Bird's-nest," and the "Everlasting -Almanack." They are all deserving of attention. - -The first, which is also known as the "Life of the Adventuress -'Courage,'" appeared immediately after "Simplicissimus," with which -it is connected by the fact that the heroine is none other than the -light-minded lady of the Spa at Griesbach, the alleged mother of -Simplicissimus's bastard son; she is also at one time the wife or -companion of "Springinsfeld" or "Jump i' th' Field," Simplicissimus's -old servant. Her history, which is narrated with extraordinary -vivacity, covers nearly the whole period of the war, and is interwoven -with the remaining books of the cycle in a sufficiently ingenious -manner. A secretary out of employ is driven by the cold into the warm -guest-room of an inn in a provincial town. Here he finds a huge old man -armed with a cudgel "that with one blow could have administered extreme -unction to any man." This is Simplicissimus, with the famous club that -had so terrified the resin-gatherers of the Black Forest -("Simplicissimus," bk. v., chap. 17). Either the episode of the Desert -Island is left out of account altogether--possibly not yet invented--or -he has not yet started on his final journey. The latter is unlikely, -for the date is indicated as 1669 or 1670. To these two enters an old -wooden-legged fiddler who turns out to be Simplicissimus's faithful -knave, "Jump i' th' Field." Of the former hero the secretary had read; -of the latter he himself had written; for meeting, as a poor wandering -scholar, with a gang of gipsies in the Schwarzwald, he had been engaged -by their queen, an aged but still handsome woman, to write her history, -on the promise of a pretty wife and good pay. He is cheated of both, -and the gipsies disappear with their queen, who is in fact the famous -"Courage" or "Kurrasche." - -The daughter of unknown parents, this heroine was living in a small -Bohemian town with an old nurse when the Imperialists, under Bucquoy, -conquered the country in 1620. She was then thirteen years old, and -thus fifteen years senior to Simplicissimus. The nurse, to protect her -chastity, disguises her as a boy, and in this garb she becomes page to -a young Rittmeister, to whom, her secret having been all but discovered -in a scuffle, she reveals her sex and becomes his mistress. The name -Courage is, for amusing but quite unmentionable reasons, given to her -in consequence of this episode. To her first lover she is actually -married on his death-bed, and now begins her career nominally as an -honourable widow, but in reality as an accomplished courtesan. She -still follows the army, for which she has an invincible love, and -being, of course, "frozen" or invulnerable, takes part in various -fights, in one of which she captures a major, who, when she in turn is -taken prisoner, revenges himself on her in the vilest fashion. He is -preparing to hand her over, according to custom ("Simplicissimus," bk. -ii., chap. 26), "to the horseboys," when she is rescued by a young -Danish nobleman, who proposes to make her his wife. The terrible story -is told with an exactness of detail, which plainly can only be the work -of the witness of similar scenes, and it is to be feared represents -only too faithfully the truth as to the treatment of women in the war. -It is remarkable, however, that few officers of high rank on either -side are accused of wanton offences against public morals. Holk and -Königsmark are the only two who are charged with publicly keeping their -mistresses; and they were the two most brutal commanders of their time. -As a rule superior officers took their wives with them ("Simplicissimus," -bk. ii., chap. 25) even to the field of battle, and if such ladies fell -into the enemy's hands, as did many after Nördlingen, they were -treated with all possible respect. - -But to return to "Courage." Her Danish lover is about to marry her when -he too dies, and after this disappointment she sinks lower and lower in -the social scale, forming temporary connections successively with a -captain, a lieutenant, a corporal and finally with a musqueteer, who is -no other than our old friend "Jump i' th' Field," for whose name she -gives us a very complete and quite untranslatable reason. With him she -journeys, as a Marketenderin or female sutler, to Italy, following the -army of Colalto and Gallas, and there, with his assistance, she plays a -variety of tricks, always knavish and often highly diverting. Grown -rich, the vivandière dismisses poor "Jump i' th' Field" with a handsome -present, and again resumes her trade of a superior courtesan in the -town from which she journeys to the Spa, where she found and beguiled -Simplicissimus. Her luck now turns; owing to a scandalous adventure -under a pear-tree--the story is a mere copy of a well-known one in the -"Hundred New Novels"--she is expelled from the town with the loss of -all her money and almost of her life--so severe in the matter of public -morals were the laws, in the midst of the general welter of wickedness -then prevailing. Her beauty lost, she becomes a petty trader in wine -and tobacco, and finally marries a gipsy chief; in which position we -find her and leave her. - -This story ended, the secretary and his friends in the inn are joined -by Simplicissimus's old foster-father and mother--the "Dad" and "Mammy" -of our romance--and also by young Simplicissimus, Courage's alleged -son. She has avenged herself on her faithless lover, as she tells us in -her own history, by laying at his door the child of her maid. It is for -this reason that she entitles her narrative "Trutzsimplex," or "Spite -Simplex." Her revenge, however, for reasons plainly hinted at, -miscarries; the child is her lover's after all. The merry company of -six then divert themselves during the short winter afternoon with a -profitable exhibition of Simplicissimus's tricks in the market-place, -and the night is pleasantly spent in listening to Springinsfeld's -account of his own life and adventures. - -The son of a Greek woman and an Albanian juggler, he follows in early -boyhood his father's trade. Carried away from the port of Ragusa by an -accident, he is landed in the Spanish Netherlands, and there serves -under Spinola, then with that general's army in the Rhine Palatinate, -and then in Pappenheim's cavalry. He is present at Breitenfeld and -Lützen, and while temporarily out of the service falls in with -"Courage" as above narrated. On leaving her, he sets up as an -innkeeper, and prospers, but is ruined through his own incorrigible -knavery. Serving against the Turks, he is wounded, and takes to -fiddling to support himself, marrying also a hurdy-gurdy girl of loose -character. In the course of their vagabond life there occurs the -incident which leads to the most ingenious and attractive of all the -romances of the cycle. - -Sitting by a stream, they see in the water the shadow of a tree with a -lump on one of the branches: on the tree itself there is no such lump. -It is a bird's-nest, invisible itself, which makes its possessor -invisible also. The wife seizes it and at once disappears, with all -their money in her pocket. She does not, however, abandon her husband -altogether, but when he goes into the neighbouring town of Munich she -slips a handful of money into his pocket. He finds that this is a part -of the proceeds of an impudent robbery just committed in the house of a -merchant, and will have none of it, but is compelled to be witness of -numerous amusing and mischievous pranks played by his wife of which he -alone knows the secret. He goes to the wars again and loses a leg, -after which he begs his way back to Munich and finds his wife dead. She -has befooled a young baker's man into believing her to be the fairy -Melusina, and after a sanguinary chance-medley in the baker's chamber, -whither she is pursued for thefts committed for his sake, is slain by a -young halberdier of the watch sent to arrest her. Her body is burned as -that of a witch, and her slayer disappears bodily. His story thus -ended, Springinsfeld is taken home by Simplicissimus to his farm, where -he dies in the odour of sanctity. - -Here begins the first part of the history of the "Enchanted -Bird's-nest." The young halberdier is an honest lad, who uses his -powers for good only, and his experiences are of exceeding interest as -giving a picture of the manners of the time viewed in their most -intimate particularities by an invisible witness. We have matrimonial -infelicities circumstantially described, as likewise the efforts -of an impoverished family of nobles to keep up appearances in their -tumble-down old castle. The halberdier prevents hideous and unspeakable -crime, captures burglars who are effecting their purpose by a device -similar to that of the "hand of glory," wreaks vengeance upon -loose-living pastors and rescues the intended victims of footpads. The -adventures follow one upon another in quick succession, but are ended -by a somewhat unnecessary fit of remorse, during which the halberdier -tears up the nest. It is, however, found, and the portion which -contains its magic properties kept, by a passer-by. This First Part -ends with a fresh appearance of Simplicissimus, who is in deep grief -over the rejection by a neighbouring nobleman of his application for a -post for his son, whom the invisible halberdier has seen and helped out -of trouble in the convent where he was studying. This scene is so -utterly unconnected with the course of the narrative that it is -conjectured to refer to some real family misfortune of Grimmelshausen, -of which he is anxious to give an explanation to the public. - -The new owner of the enchanted nest is the merchant whom -Springinsfeld's wife had robbed at Munich, and the "Second Part" is -occupied with the story of his wicked misuse of his powers. His actions -are the very opposite of the halberdier's, though the contrast is not -so pointed as to become inartistic. He makes use of his supernatural -facilities to seduce his own servant, to perpetrate a peculiarly filthy -act of revenge upon his faithless wife, and finally to accomplish the -crowning deception of his whole career. He makes his way into the -family of a respectable Portuguese Jew, in the first instance with a -view to robbery; but becoming enamoured of the beautiful daughter of -the house, he employs his invisibility to practise a most blasphemous -piece of knavery. He succeeds in making the unfortunate parents believe -that the maiden is destined to be the mother of the future Messiah by -the prophet Elias. The latter part he of course plays himself, and -enjoys the society of his victim till at length a child is born, which -turns out, to the general horror, to be a girl. The motive is not new -and the story is a sordid one; but it is most artistically recounted, -and an intimate knowledge of Jewish manners and ideas is displayed. The -narrative is also diversified by an element found in none of the other -romances of the cycle--acute and farsighted political discourses and -reasonings on European affairs as likely to be affected by the war then -impending with France, which ended with the treaty of Nimwegen in 1678. - -Rendered desperate by his sins, though now deeply enamoured of the -unfortunate Jewess Esther, the merchant is on the verge of surrendering -himself to the power of "black magicians" of the worst and most -diabolical kind when he escapes by betaking himself to the wars. -Possessing besides his invisibility the power of rendering himself -invulnerable, he is nevertheless wounded by a "consecrated" bullet, and -finally makes his way home in poverty and misery accompanied by a pious -monk. The nest is thrown into the Rhine and disappears for ever, and -the merchant prepares to spend the remainder of his life in prayer and -penitence. - -The connection of the fifth work, the "Everlasting Almanack," with -Simplicissimus is nominal only. It appeared in 1670, and is a perfect -specimen of what may be called the best class of chapbooks of that day. -It is the Whitaker's Almanack of the period. Each day has its special -saints given: there are rules of good husbandry and weather -prognostics; recipes for the house, the kitchen, and the farmyard; -together with matters adapted for the higher class of readers, such as -brief scientific notices, fragments of historical interest, narratives -of marvellous occurrences, and, of course, in the spirit of the time, a -mass of particulars as to astrology and the casting of horoscopes. -Ingenious as it all is, and not without interest from the sociological -point of view the book reminds us of Simplicissimus only by its -connection with that side of his character which we would willingly -forget, but for which Grimmelshausen seems to have cherished an -unreasoning admiration, and on which he insisted more and more in his -successive works--namely his qualities as a quack and mountebank. - -As already pointed out, the interest of the central romance of -"Simplicissimus" is less literary than historic, whereas German critics -in their estimate of its value have considered the first aspect only, -and their opinions are consequently little worth recording. Gervinus -for example, looking at the book from a purely artistic point of view, -finds it wanting. Other critics have followed him blindly and with a -considerable amount of underlying ignorance to boot. The accurate -Dahlmann, for example, though he reckons the romance among his -"historical sources," speaks of it as published at Möpelgard in 1669 in -six "volumes." Plainly he had never seen a copy, but had heard of the -six books (five and the "Continuation") and mistook them for volumes. -Tittmann, one of the latest editors of the work, sums up its chief -merits when he says: "Simplicissimus and the Simplician writings are -almost our only substitute, and that a poor one, for the contemporary -memoirs in which our western neighbours are so rich." - -The bibliography of the book is for our purpose not important. For a -year or two editions seem to have succeeded each other with such -rapidity that it is difficult to distinguish between them; but the only -additional value which those printed later than 1670 possess is the -questionable one of including the three worthless little sequels above -referred to. Of modern editions the best, perhaps, is that of Tittmann -(Leipzig, 1877), which has been principally used for this translation. -The annotations, however, leave much to be desired; many difficulties -are left unexplained, and there are some positive mistakes, of which a -single instance may suffice. In book v., chapter 4, we find the -expression "in prima plana," which is a sufficiently well-known -military phrase of the time and means "on the first page" (of the -muster-roll), which contained the names of the officers of a company -written separately from those of the rank and file. It is explained by -Tittmann to mean "at the first estimate," and succeeding editors have -copied this, adding as a possible alternative "in the first -engagement," or "at the first start". The editions for school and -family reading which are current in Germany are, as a rule, so -expurgated as to deprive the book of much of its interest. In this -translation it has been found necessary to omit a single episode only, -which is as childishly filthy as it is utterly uninteresting. - - A. T. S. G. - - - - - - BOOK I. - -_Chap. i._: TREATS OF SIMPLICISSIMUS'S RUSTIC DESCENT AND OF HIS -UPBRINGING ANSWERING THERETO - -There appeareth in these days of ours (of which many do believe that -they be the last days) among the common folk, a certain disease which -causeth those who do suffer from it (so soon as they have either -scraped and higgled together so much that they can, besides a few pence -in their pocket, wear a fool's coat of the new fashion with a thousand -bits of silk ribbon upon it, or by some trick of fortune have become -known as men of parts) forthwith to give themselves out gentlemen and -nobles of ancient descent. Whereas it doth often happen that their -ancestors were day-labourers, carters, and porters, their cousins -donkey-drivers, their brothers turnkeys and catchpolls, their sisters -harlots, their mothers bawds--yea, witches even: and in a word, their -whole pedigree of thirty-two quarterings as full of dirt and stain as -ever was the sugar-bakers' guild of Prague. Yea, these new sprigs of -nobility be often themselves as black as if they had been born and bred -in Guinea. - -With such foolish folk I desire not to even myself, though 'tis not -untrue that I have often fancied I must have drawn my birth from some -great lord or knight at least, as being by nature disposed to follow -the nobleman's trade had I but the means and the tools for it. 'Tis -true, moreover, without jesting, that my birth and upbringing can be -well compared to that of a prince if we overlook the one great -difference in degree. How! did not my dad (for so they call fathers in -the Spessart) have his own palace like any other, so fine as no king -could build with his own hands, but must let that alone for ever. 'Twas -painted with lime, and in place of unfruitful tiles, cold lead and red -copper, was roofed with that straw whereupon the noble corn doth grow, -and that he, my dad, might make a proper show of nobility and riches, -he had his wall round his castle built, not of stone, which men do find -upon the road or dig out of the earth in barren places, much less of -miserable baked bricks that in a brief space can be made and burned (as -other great lords be wont to do), but he did use oak, which noble and -profitable tree, being such that smoked sausage and fat ham doth grow -upon it, taketh for its full growth no less than a hundred years; and -where is the monarch that can imitate him therein? His halls, his -rooms, and his chambers did he have thoroughly blackened with smoke, -and for this reason only, that 'tis the most lasting colour in the -world, and doth take longer to reach to real perfection than an artist -will spend on his most excellent paintings. The tapestries were of the -most delicate web in the world, wove for us by her that of old did -challenge Minerva to a spinning match. His windows were dedicated to -St. Papyrius for no other reason than that that same paper doth take -longer to come to perfection, reckoning from the sowing of the hemp or -flax whereof 'tis made, than doth the finest and clearest glass of -Murano: for his trade made him apt to believe that whatever was -produced with much pains was also more valuable and more costly; and -what was most costly was best suited to nobility. Instead of pages, -lackeys, and grooms, he had sheep, goats, and swine, which often waited -upon me in the pastures till I drove them home. His armoury was well -furnished with ploughs, mattocks, axes, hoes, shovels, pitchforks, and -hayforks, with which weapons he daily exercised himself; for hoeing and -digging he made his military discipline, as did the old Romans in time -of peace. The yoking of oxen was his generalship, the piling of dung -his fortification, tilling of the land his campaigning, and the -cleaning out of stables his princely pastime and exercise. By this -means did he conquer the whole round world so far as he could reach, -and at every harvest did draw from it rich spoils. But all this I -account nothing of, and am not puffed up thereby, lest any should have -cause to jibe at me as at other newfangled nobility, for I esteem -myself no higher than was my dad, which had his abode in a right merry -land, to wit, in the Spessart, where the wolves do howl goodnight to -each other. But that I have as yet told you nought of my dad's family, -race and name is for the sake of precious brevity, especially since -there is here no question of a foundation for gentlefolks for me to -swear myself into; 'tis enough if it be known that I was born in the -Spessart. - -Now as my dad's manner of living will be perceived to be truly noble, -so any man of sense will easily understand that my upbringing was like -and suitable thereto: and whoso thinks that is not deceived, for in my -tenth year had I already learned the rudiments of my dad's princely -exercises: yet as touching studies I might compare with the famous -Amphistides, of whom Suidas reports that he could not count higher than -five: for my dad had perchance too high a spirit, and therefore -followed the use of these days, wherein many persons of quality trouble -themselves not, as they say, with bookworms' follies, but have their -hirelings to do their ink-slinging for them. Yet was I a fine performer -on the bagpipe, whereon I could produce most dolorous strains. But as -to knowledge of things divine, none shall ever persuade me that any lad -of my age in all Christendom could there beat me, for I knew nought of -God or man, of Heaven or hell, of angel or devil, nor could discern -between good and evil. So may it be easily understood that I, with such -knowledge of theology, lived like our first parents in Paradise, which -in their innocence knew nought of sickness or death or dying, and still -less of the Resurrection. O noble life! (or, as one might better say, O -noodle's life!) in which none troubles himself about medicine. And by -this measure ye can estimate my proficiency in the study of -jurisprudence and all other arts and sciences. Yea, I was so perfected -in ignorance that I knew not that I knew nothing. So say I again, O -noble life that once I led! But my dad would not suffer me long to -enjoy such bliss, but deemed it right that as being nobly born, I -should nobly act and nobly live: and therefore began to train me up for -higher things and gave me harder lessons. - - - - -_Chap. ii._: OF THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS THAT DIGNITY TO WHICH -SIMPLICISSIMUS ATTAINED, TO WHICH IS ADDED THE PRAISE OF SHEPHERDS AND -OTHER EXCELLENT PRECEPTS - -For he invested me with the highest dignity that could be found, not -only in his household, but in the whole world: namely, with the office -of a shepherd: for first he did entrust me with his swine, then his -goats, and then his whole flock of sheep, that I should keep and feed -the same, and by means of my bagpipe (of which Strabo writeth that in -Arabia its music alone doth fatten the sheep and lambs) protect them -from the wolf. Then was I like to David (save that he in place of the -bagpipe had but a harp), which was no bad beginning for me, but a good -omen that in time, if I had any manner of luck, I should become a -famous man: for from the beginning of the world high personages have -been shepherds, as we read in Holy Writ of Abel, Abraham, Isaac, -Jacob, and his sons: yea, of Moses also, which must first keep his -father-in-law his sheep before he was made law-giver and ruler over six -hundred thousand men in Israel. - -And now may some man say these were holy and godly men, and no Spessart -peasant-lads knowing nought of God? Which I must confess: yet why -should my then innocence be laid to my charge? Yet, among the heathen -of old time you will find examples as many as among God's chosen folk. -So among the Romans were noble families that without doubt were called -Bubulci, Vituli, Vitellii, Caprae, and so forth, because they had to do -with the cattle so named, and 'tis like had even herded them. 'Tis -certain Romulus and Remus were shepherds, and Spartacus that made the -whole Roman world to tremble. What! was not Paris, King Priam's son, a -shepherd, and Anchises the Trojan prince, Aeneas's father? The -beautiful Endymion, of whom the chaste Luna was enamoured, was a -shepherd, and so too the grisly Polypheme. Yea, the gods themselves -were not ashamed of this trade: Apollo kept the kine of Admetus, King -of Thessaly; Mercurius and his son Daphnis, Pan and Proteus, were all -mighty shepherds: and therefore be they still called by our fantastic -poets the patrons of herdsmen. Mesha, King of Moab, as we do read in II -Kings, was a sheep-master; Cyrus, the great King of Persia, was not -only reared by Mithridates, a shepherd, but himself did keep sheep; -Gyges was first a herdsman, and then by the power of a ring became a -king; and Ismael Sophi, a Persian king, did in his youth likewise herd -cattle. So that Philo, the Jew, doth excellently deal with the matter -in his life of Moses when he saith the shepherd's trade is a -preparation and a beginning for the ruling of men, for as men are -trained and exercised for the wars in hunting, so should they that are -intended for government first be reared in the gentle and kindly duty -of a shepherd: all which my dad doubtless did understand: yea, to know -it doth to this hour give me no little hope of my future greatness. - -But to come back to my flock. Ye must know that I knew as little of -wolves as of mine own ignorance, and therefore was my dad the more -diligent with his lessons: and "lad," says he, "have a care; let not -the sheep run far from each other, and play thy bagpipe manfully lest -the wolf come and do harm, for 'tis a four-legged knave and a thief -that eateth man and beast, and if thou beest anyways negligent he will -dust thy jacket for thee." To which I answered with like courtesy, -"Daddy, tell me how a wolf looks: for such I never saw yet." "O thou -silly blockhead," quoth he, "all thy life long wilt thou be a fool: -thou art already a great looby and yet knowest not what a four-legged -rogue a wolf is." And more lessons did he give me, and at last grew -angry and went away, as bethinking him that my thick wit could not -comprehend his nice instruction. - - - - -_Chap. iii._: TREATS OF THE SUFFERINGS OF A FAITHFUL BAGPIPE - - -So I began to make such ado with my bagpipe and such noise that 'twas -enough to poison all the toads in the garden, and so methought I was -safe enough from the wolf that was ever in my mind: and remembering me -of my mammy (for so they do use to call their mothers in the Spessart -and the Vogelsberg) how she had often said the fowls would some time or -other die of my singing, I fell upon the thought to sing the more, and -so make my defence against the wolf stronger; and so I sang this which -I had learned from my mammy: - - 1. O peasant race so much despised, - How greatly art thou to be priz'd? - Yea, none thy praises can excel, - If men would only mark thee well. - 2. How would it with the world now stand - Had Adam never till'd the land? - With spade and hoe he dug the earth - From whom our princes have their birth. - 3. Whatever earth doth bear this day - Is under thine high rule and sway, - And all that fruitful makes the land - Is guided by thy master hand. - 4. The emperor whom God doth give - Us to protect, thereby doth live: - So doth the soldier: though his trade - To thy great loss and harm be made. - 5. Meat for our feasts thou dost provide: - Our wine by thee too is supplied: - Thy plough can force the earth to give - That bread whereby all men must live. - 6. All waste the earth and desert were - Didst thou not ply thy calling there: - Sad day shall that for all be found - When peasants cease to till the ground. - 7. So hast thou right to laud and praise, - For thou dost feed us all our days. - Nature herself thee well doth love, - And God thy handiwork approve. - 8. Whoever yet on earth did hear - Of peasant that the gout did fear; - That fell disease which rich men dread, - Whereby is many a noble dead. - 9. From all vainglory art thou free - (As in these days thou well mayst be), - And lest thou shouldst through pride have loss, - God bids thee daily bear thy cross. - 10. Yea, even the soldier's wicked will - May work thee great advantage still: - For lest thou shouldst to pride incline, - "Thy goods and house," saith he, "are mine." - -So far and no further could I get with my song: for in a moment was I -surrounded, sheep and all, by a troop of cuirassiers that had lost -their way in the thick wood and were brought back to their right path -by my music and my calls to my flock. "Aha," quoth I to myself, "these -be the right rogues! these be the four-legged knaves and thieves -whereof thy dad did tell thee!" For at first I took horse and man (as -did the Americans the Spanish cavalry) to be but one beast, and could -not but conceive these were the wolves; and so would sound the retreat -for these horrible centaurs and send them a-flying: but scarce had I -blown up my bellows to that end when one of them catches me by the -shoulder and swings me up so roughly upon a spare farm horse they had -stolen with other booty that I must needs fall on the other side, and -that too upon my dear bagpipe, which began so miserably to scream as it -would move all the world to pity: which availed nought, though it -spared not its last breath in the bewailing of my sad fate. To horse -again I must go, it mattered not what my bagpipe did sing or say: yet -what vexed me most was that the troopers said I had hurt my dear -bagpipe, and therefore it had made so heathenish an outcry. So away my -horse went with me at a good trot, like the "primum mobile," for my -dad's farm. - -Now did strange and fantastic imaginings fill my brain; for I did -conceive, because I sat upon such a beast as I had never before seen, -that I too should be changed into an iron man. And because such a -change came not, there arose in me other foolish fantasies: for I -thought these strange creatures were but there to help me drive my -sheep home; for none strayed from the path, but all, with one accord, -made for my dad's farm. So I looked anxiously when my dad and my mammy -should come out to bid us welcome: which yet came not: for they and our -Ursula, which was my dad's only daughter, had found the back-door open -and would not wait for their guests. - - - - -_Chap. iv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS'S PALACE WAS STORMED, PLUNDERED, AND -RUINATED, AND IN WHAT SORRY FASHION THE SOLDIERS KEPT HOUSE THERE - - -Although it was not my intention to take the peace-loving reader with -these troopers to my dad's house and farm, seeing that matters will go -ill therein, yet the course of my history demands that I should leave -to kind posterity an account of what manner of cruelties were now and -again practised in this our German war: yea, and moreover testify by my -own example that such evils must often have been sent to us by the -goodness of Almighty God for our profit. For, gentle reader, who would -ever have taught me that there was a God in Heaven if these soldiers -had not destroyed my dad's house, and by such a deed driven me out -among folk who gave me all fitting instruction thereupon? Only a little -while before, I neither knew nor could fancy to myself that there were -any people on earth save only my dad, my mother and me, and the rest of -our household, nor did I know of any human habitation but that where I -daily went out and in. But soon thereafter I understood the way of -men's coming into this world, and how they must leave it again. I was -only in shape a man and in name a Christian: for the rest I was but a -beast. Yet the Almighty looked upon my innocence with a pitiful eye, -and would bring me to a knowledge both of Himself and of myself. And -although He had a thousand ways to lead me thereto, yet would He -doubtless use that one only by which my dad and my mother should be -punished: and that for an example to all others by reason of their -heathenish upbringing of me. - -The first thing these troopers did was, that they stabled their horses: -thereafter each fell to his appointed task: which task was neither more -nor less than ruin and destruction. For though some began to slaughter -and to boil and to roast so that it looked as if there should be a -merry banquet forward, yet others there were who did but storm through -the house above and below stairs. Others stowed together great parcels -of cloth and apparel and all manner of household stuff, as if they -would set up a frippery market. All that they had no mind to take with -them they cut in pieces. Some thrust their swords through the hay and -straw as if they had not enough sheep and swine to slaughter: and some -shook the feathers out of the beds and in their stead stuffed in bacon -and other dried meat and provisions as if such were better and softer -to sleep upon. Others broke the stove and the windows as if they had a -never-ending summer to promise. Houseware of copper and tin they beat -flat, and packed such vessels, all bent and spoiled, in with the rest. -Bedsteads, tables, chairs, and benches they burned, though there lay -many cords of dry wood in the yard. Pots and pipkins must all go to -pieces, either because they would eat none but roast flesh, or because -their purpose was to make there but a single meal. - -Our maid was so handled in the stable that she could not come out; -which is a shame to tell of. Our man they laid bound upon the ground, -thrust a gag into his mouth, and poured a pailful of filthy water into -his body: and by this, which they called a Swedish draught, they forced -him to lead a party of them to another place where they captured men -and beasts, and brought them back to our farm, in which company were my -dad, my mother, and our Ursula. - -And now they began: first to take the flints out of their pistols and -in place of them to jam the peasants' thumbs in and so to torture the -poor rogues as if they had been about the burning of witches: for one -of them they had taken they thrust into the baking oven and there lit a -fire under him, although he had as yet confessed no crime: as for -another, they put a cord round his head and so twisted it tight with a -piece of wood that the blood gushed from his mouth and nose and ears. -In a word, each had his own device to torture the peasants, and each -peasant his several torture. But as it seemed to me then, my dad was -the luckiest, for he with a laughing face confessed what others must -out with in the midst of pains and miserable lamentations: and such -honour without doubt fell to him because he was the householder. For -they set him before a fire and bound him fast so that he could neither -stir hand nor foot, and smeared the soles of his feet with wet salt, -and this they made our old goat lick off, and so tickle him that he -well nigh burst his sides with laughing. And this seemed to me so merry -a thing that I must needs laugh with him for the sake of fellowship, or -because I knew no better. In the midst of such laughter he must needs -confess all that they would have of him, and indeed revealed to them a -secret treasure, which proved far richer in pearls, gold, and trinkets -than any would have looked for among peasants. Of the women, girls, and -maidservants whom they took, I have not much to say in particular, for -the soldiers would not have me see how they dealt with them. Yet this I -know, that one heard some of them scream most piteously in divers -corners of the house; and well I can judge it fared no better with my -mother and our Ursel than with the rest. Yet in the midst of all this -miserable ruin I helped to turn the spit, and in the afternoon to give -the horses drink, in which employ I encountered our maid in the stable, -who seemed to me wondrously tumbled, so that I knew her not, but with a -weak voice she called to me, "O lad, run away, or the troopers will -have thee away with them. Look to it well that thou get hence: thou -seest in what plight ..." And more she could not say. - - - - -_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK FRENCH LEAVE, AND HOW HE WAS -TERRIFIED BY DEAD TREES - - -Now did I begin to consider and to ponder upon my unhappy condition and -prospects, and to think how I might best help myself out of my plight. -For whither should I go? Here indeed my poor wits were far too slender -to devise a plan. Yet they served me so far that towards evening I ran -into the woods. But then whither was I to go further? for the ways of -the wood were as little known to me as the passage beyond Nova Zembla -through the Arctic Ocean to China. 'Tis true the pitch-dark night was -my protection: yet to my dark wits it seemed not dark enough; so I did -hide myself in a close thicket wherein I could hear both the shrieks of -the tortured peasants and the song of the nightingales; which birds -regarded not the peasants either to show compassion for them or to stop -their sweet song for their sakes: and so I laid myself, as free from -care, upon one ear, and fell asleep. But when the morning star began to -glimmer in the East I could see my poor dad's house all aflame, yet -none that sought to stop the fire: so I betook myself thither in hopes -to have some news of my dad; whereupon I was espied by five troopers, -of whom one holloaed to me, "Come hither, boy, or I will shoot thee -dead." - -But I stood stock-still and open-mouthed, as knowing not what he meant -or would have; and I standing there and gaping upon them like a cat at -a new barn-door, and they, by reason of a morass between, not being -able to come at me, which vexed them mightily, one discharged his -carbine at me: at which sudden flame of fire and unexpected noise, -which the echo, repeating it many times, made more dreadful, I was so -terrified that forthwith I fell to the ground, and for terror durst not -move a finger, though the troopers went their way and doubtless left me -for dead; nor for that whole day had I spirit to rise up. But night -again overtaking me, I stood up and wandered away into the woods until -I saw afar off a dead tree that shone: and this again wrought in me a -new fear: wherefore I turned me about post-haste and ran till I saw -another such tree, from which I hurried away again, and in this manner -spent the night running from one dead tree to another. At last came -blessed daylight to my help, and bade those trees leave me untroubled -in its presence: yet was I not much the better thereby; for my heart -was full of fear and dread, my brain of foolish fancies, and my legs of -weariness, my belly of hunger, and mine eyes of sleep. So I went on and -on and knew not whither; yet the further I went the thicker grew the -wood and the greater the distance from all human kind. So now I came to -my senses, and perceived (yet without knowing it) the effect of -ignorance and want of knowledge: for if an unreasoning beast had been -in my place he would have known what to do for his sustenance better -than I. Yet I had wit enough when darkness again overtook me to creep -into a hollow tree and there take up my quarters for the night. - - - - -_Chap. vi._: IS SO SHORT AND SO PRAYERFUL THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS THEREUPON -SWOONS AWAY - - -But hardly had I composed myself to sleep when I heard a voice that -cried aloud, "O wondrous love towards us thankless mortals! O mine only -comfort, my hope, my riches, my God!" and more of the same sort, all of -which I could not hear or understand. Yet these were surely words which -should rightly have cheered, comforted, and delighted every Christian -soul that should find itself in such a plight as did I. But O -simplicity! O ignorance! 'Twas all gibberish[1] to me, and all in an -unknown tongue out of which I could make nothing: yea, was rather -terrified by its strangeness. Yet when I heard how the hunger and -thirst of him that spake should be satisfied, my unbearable hunger did -counsel me to join myself to him as a guest. So I plucked up heart to -come out of my hollow tree and to draw nigh to the voice I had heard, -where I was ware of a tall man with long greyish hair which fell in -confusion over his shoulders: a tangled beard he had shapen like to a -Swiss cheese; his face yellow and thin yet kindly enough, and his long -gown made up of more than a thousand pieces of cloth of all sorts sewn -together one upon another. Round his neck and body he had wound a heavy -iron chain like St. William,[2] and in other ways seemed in mine eyes -so grisly and terrible that I began to shake like a wet dog. But what -made my fear greater was that he did hug to his breast a crucifix some -six spans long. So I could fancy nought else but that this old grey man -must be the Wolf of whom my dad had of late told me: and in my fear I -whipped out my bagpipe, which, as mine only treasure, I had saved from -the troopers, and blowing up the sack, tuned up and made a mighty noise -to drive away that same grisly wolf: at which sudden and unaccustomed -music in that lonely place the hermit was at first no little dismayed, -deeming, without doubt, 'twas a devil come to terrify him and so -disturb his prayers, as happened to the great St. Anthony. But -presently recovering himself, he mocked at me as his tempter in the -hollow tree, whither I had retired myself: nay, plucked up such heart -that he advanced upon me to defy the enemy of mankind. - -"Aha!" says he, "thou art a proper fellow enough, to tempt saints -without God's leave": and more than that I heard not: for his approach -caused in me such fear and trembling that I lost my senses and fell -forthwith into a swoon. - - - - -_Chap. vii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS IN A POOR LODGING KINDLY ENTREATED - - -After what manner I was helped to myself again I know not; only this, -that the old man had my head on his breast and my jacket open in front, -when I came to my senses. But when I saw the hermit so close to me I -raised such a hideous outcry as if he would have torn the heart out of -my body. Then said he, "My son, hold thy peace: be content: I do thee -no harm." Yet the more he comforted me and soothed me the more I cried, -"Oh, thou eatest me! Oh! thou eatest me: thou art the wolf and wilt eat -me." "Nay, nay," said he, "my son, be at peace: I eat thee not." - -This contention lasted long, till at length I let myself so far be -persuaded as to go into his hut with him, wherein was poverty the -housekeeper, hunger the cook, and want clerk of the kitchen: there was -my belly cheered with herbs and a draught of water, and my mind, which -was altogether distraught, again brought to right reason by the old -man's comfortable kindness. Thereafter then I easily allowed myself to -be enticed by the charm of sweet slumber to pay my debt to nature. Now -when the hermit perceived my need of sleep he left me to occupy my -place in his hut alone: for one only could lie therein. So about -midnight I awoke again and heard him sing the song which followeth -here, which I afterwards did learn by heart. - - "Come, joy of night, O nightingale: - Take up, take up thy cheerful tale; - Sing sweet and loud and long. - Come praise thine own Creator blest, - When other birds are gone to rest, - And now have hushed their song. - - (Chorus) "With thy voice loud rejoice; - For so thou best canst shew thy love - To God who reigns in heaven above. - - "For though the light of day be flown, - And we in darkness dwell alone, - Yet can we chant and sing - Of God his power and God his might: - Nor darkness hinders us nor night - Our praises so to bring. - Echo the wanderer makes reply - And when thou singst will still be by - And still repeat thy strain. - All weariness she drives afar - And sloth to which we prisoners are, - And mocks at slumber's chain. - The stars that stand in heaven above, - Do shew to God their praise and love - And honour to Him bring; - And owls by nature reft of song - Yet shew with cries the whole night long - Their love to God the king. - Come hither then, sweet bird of night, - For we will share no sluggard's plight - Nor sleep away the hours; - But, till the rosy break of day - Chase from these woods the night away, - God's praise shall still be ours." - -Now while this song did last it seemed to me as if nightingale, owl, -and echo had of a truth joined therein, and had I ever heard the -morning star or had been able to play its melody on my bagpipe, I had -surely run out of the hut to take my trick also, so sweet did this -harmony seem to me: yet I fell asleep again and woke not till day was -far advanced, when the hermit stood before me and said, "Up, child, I -will give thee to eat and thereafter shew thee the way through the -wood, so that thou comest to where people dwell, and also before night -to the nearest village." - -So I asked him, what be these things, "people" and "village"? - -"What," says he, "hast never been in any village and knowest not what -people or folks be?" - -"Nay," said I, "nowhere save here have I been: yet tell me what be -these things, folk and people and village." - -"God save us," answered the hermit, "art thou demented or very -cunning?" - -"Nay," said I, "I am my mammy's and dad's boy, and neither Master -Demented nor Master Cunning." - -Then the hermit shewed his amazement with sighs and crossing of -himself, and says he, "'Tis well, dear child, I am determined if God -will better to instruct thee." - -So then our questions and answers fell out as the ensuing chapter -sheweth. - - - - -_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BY HIS NOBLE DISCOURSE PROCLAIMED HIS -EXCELLENT QUALITIES - -Hermit. What is thy name? - -Simplicissimus. My name is "Lad." - -H. I can see well enough that thou art no girl: but how did thy father -and mother call thee? - -S. I never had either father or mother. - -H. Who gave thee then thy shirt? - -S. Oho! Why, my mammy. - -H. What did thy mother call thee? - -S. She called me "Lad," ay, and "rogue, silly gaby, and gallowsbird." - -H. Who, then, was thy mammy's husband? - -S. No one. - -H. With whom, then, did thy mammy sleep at night? - -S. With my dad. - -H. What did thy dad call thee? - -S. He called me "Lad." - -H. What was his name? - -S. His name was Dad. - -H. What did thy mammy call him? - -S. Dad, and sometimes also "Master." - -H. Did she never call him aught besides? - -S. Yea, that did she. - -H. And what then? - -S. "Beast," "coarse brute," "drunken pig," and other the like, when she -would scold him. - -H. Thou beest but an ignorant creature, that knowest not thy parents' -name nor thine own. - -S. Oho! neither dost thou know it. - -H. Canst thou say thy prayers? - -S. Nay, my mammy and our Ursel did uprear the beds. - -H. I ask thee not that, but whether thou knowest thy Paternoster? - -S. That do I. - -H. Say it then. - -S. Our father which art heaven, hallowed be name, to thy kingdom come, -thy will come down on earth as it says heaven, give us debts as we give -our debtors: lead us not into no temptation, but deliver us from the -kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen. - -H. God help us! Knowest thou naught of our Blessed Lord God? - -S. Yea, yea: 'tis he that stood by our chamber-door; my mammy brought -him home from the church feast and stuck him up there. - -H. O Gracious God, now for the first time do I perceive what a great -favour and benefit it is when Thou impartest knowledge of Thyself, and -how naught a man is to whom Thou givest it not! O Lord, vouchsafe to me -so to honour Thy holy name that I be worthy to be as zealous in my -thanks for this great grace as Thou hast been liberal in the granting -of it. Hark now, Simplicissimus (for I can call thee by no other name), -when thou sayest thy Paternoster, thou must say this: "Our Father which -art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name: Thy kingdom come: Thy will be done -in earth as it is in heaven: give us this day our daily bread ..." - -S. Oho there! ask for cheese too! - -H. Ah, dear child, keep silence and learn that thou needest more than -cheese: thou art indeed loutish, as thy mammy told thee: 'tis not the -part of lads like thee to interrupt an old man, but to be silent, to -listen, and to learn. Did I but know where thy parents dwelt, I would -fain bring thee to them, and then teach them how to bring up children. - -S. I know not whither to go. Our house is burnt, and my mammy ran off -and was fetched back with our Ursula, and my dad too, and our maid was -sick and lying in the stable. - -H. And who did burn the house? - -S. Aha! there came iron men that sat on things as big as oxen, yet -having no horns: which same men did slaughter sheep and cows and swine, -and so I ran too, and then was the house burnt. - -H. Where was thy dad then? - -S. Aha! the iron men tied him up and our old goat was set to lick his -feet. So he must needs laugh, and give the iron men many silver -pennies, big and little, and fair yellow things and some that -glittered, and fine strings full of little white balls. - -H. And when did this come to pass? - -S. Why, even when I should have been keeping of sheep: yea, and they -would even take from me my bagpipe. - -H. But when was it that thou shouldst have been keeping sheep? - -S. What, canst thou not hear? Even then when the iron men came: and -then our Anna bade me run away, or the soldiers would carry me off: and -by that she meant the iron men: so I ran off and so I came hither. - -H. And whither wilt thou now? - -S. Truly I know not: I will stay here with thee. - -H. Nay, to keep thee here is not to the purpose, either for me or thee. -Eat now; and presently I will bring thee where people are. - -S. Oho! tell me now what manner of things be "people." - -H. People be mankind like me and thee: thy dad, thy mammy, and your Ann -be mankind, and when there be many together then are they called -people: and now go thou and eat. - -So was our discourse, in which the hermit often gazed on me with -deepest sighs: I know not whether 'twas so because he had great -compassion on my simplicity and ignorance, or from that cause, which I -learned not until some years later. - - - - -_Chap. ix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHANGED FROM A WILD BEAST INTO A -CHRISTIAN - - -So I began to eat and ceased to prattle; all which lasted no longer -than till I had appeased mine hunger: for then the good hermit bade me -begone. Then must I seek out the most flattering words which my rough -country upbringing afforded me, and all to this end, to move the hermit -that he should keep me with him. Now though of a certainty it must have -vexed him greatly to endure my troublesome presence, yet did he resolve -to suffer me to be with him; and that more to instruct me in the -Christian religion, than because he would have my service in his -approaching old age: yet was this his greatest anxiety, lest my tender -youth should not endure for long such a hard way of living as was his. - -A space of some three weeks was my year of probation: in which three -weeks St. Gertrude[3] was at war with the gardeners: so was it my lot -to be inducted into the profession of these last: and therein I carried -myself so well that the good hermit took an especial pleasure in me, -and that not so much for my work's sake (whereunto I was before well -trained) but because he saw that I myself was as ready greedily to -hearken to his instructions as the waxen, soft, and yet smooth tablet -of my mind shewed itself ready to receive such. For such reasons he was -the more zealous to bring me to the knowledge of all good things. So he -began his instruction from the fall of Lucifer: thence came he to the -Garden of Eden, and when we were thrust out thence with our first -parents, he passed through the law of Moses and taught me, by the means -of the ten commandments and their explications--of which commandments -he would say that they were a true measure to know the will of God, and -thereby to lead a life holy and well pleasing to God--to discern virtue -from vice, to do the good and to avoid the evil. At the end of all he -came to the Gospel and told me of Christ's Birth, Sufferings, Death, -and Resurrection: and then concluded all with the Judgment Day, and so -set Heaven and hell before my eyes: and this all with befitting -circumstance, yet not with superfluity of words, but as it seemed to -him I could best comprehend and understand. So when he had ended one -matter he began another, and therewithal contrived with all patience so -to shape himself to answer my questions, and so to deal with me, that -better he could not have shed the light of truth into my heart. Yet -were his life and his speech for me an everlasting preaching: and this -my mind, all wooden and dull as it was, yet by God's grace left not -fruitless. So that in three weeks did I not only understand all that a -Christian should know, but was possessed with such love for this -teaching that I could not sleep at night for thinking thereon. - -I have since pondered much upon this matter and have found that -Aristotle, in his second book "Of the Soul," did put it well, whereas -he compared the soul of a man to a blank unwritten tablet, whereon one -could write what he would, and concluded that all such was decreed by -the Creator of the world, in order that such blank tablets might by -industrious impression and exercise be marked, and so be brought to -completeness and perfection. And so saith also his commentator Averroes -(upon that passage where the Philosopher saith that the Intellect is -but a possibility which can be brought into activity by naught else -than by Scientia or Knowledge: which is to say that man's understanding -is capable of all things, yet can be brought to such knowledge only by -constant exercise), and giveth this plain decision: namely, that this -knowledge or exercise is the perfecting of souls which have no power at -all in them selves. And this doth Cicero confirm in his second book of -the "Tusculan Disputations," when he compares the soul of a man without -instruction, knowledge, and exercise, to a field which, albeit fruitful -by nature, yet if no man till it or sow it will bring forth no fruit. - -And all this did I prove by my own single example: for that I so soon -understood all that the pious hermit shewed to me arose from this -cause: that he found the smooth tablet of my soul quite empty and -without any imaginings before entered thereupon, which might well have -hindered the impress of others thereafter. Yet in spite of all, that -pure simplicity (in comparison with other men's ways) hath ever clung -to me: and therefore did the hermit (for neither he nor I knew my right -name) ever call me Simplicissimus. Withal I learned to pray, and when -the good hermit had resolved himself to satisfy my earnest desire to -abide with him, we built for me a hut like to his own, of wood, twigs -and earth, shaped well nigh as the musqueteer shapes his tent in camp -or, to speak more exactly, as the peasant in some places shapes his -turnip-hod, so low, in truth, that I could hardly sit upright therein; -my bed was of dried leaves and grass, and just so large as the hut -itself, so that I know not whether to call such a dwelling-place or -hole, a covered bedstead or a hut. - - - - -_Chap. x._: IN WHAT MANNER HE LEARNED TO READ AND WRITE IN THE WILD -WOODS - - -Now when first I saw the hermit read the Bible, I could not conceive -with whom he should speak so secretly and, as I thought, so earnestly; -for well I saw the moving of his lips, yet no man that spake with him: -and though I knew naught of reading or writing, nevertheless I marked -by his eyes that he had to do with somewhat in the said book. So I -marked where he kept it, and when he had laid it aside I crept thither -and opened it, and at the first assay lit upon the first chapter of Job -and the picture that stood at the head thereof, which was a fine -woodcut and fairly painted: so I began to ask strange questions of the -figures, and when they gave me no answer waxed impatient, and even as -the hermit came up behind me, "Ye little clowns," said I, "have ye no -mouths any longer? Could ye not even now prate away long enough with my -father (for so must I call my hermit)? I see well enough that ye are -driving away the gaffer's sheep and burning of his house: wait awhile -and I will quench your fire for ye," and with that rose up to fetch -water, for there seemed to me present need of it. Then said the hermit, -who I knew not was behind me: "Whither away, Simplicissimus?" "O -father," says I, "here be more soldiers that will drive off sheep: they -do take them from that poor man with whom thou didst talk: and here is -his house a-burning, and if I quench it not 'twill be consumed": and -with that I pointed with my finger to what I saw. "But stay," quoth the -hermit, "for these figures be not alive;" to which I, with rustic -courtesy, answered him: "What, beest thou blind? Do thou keep watch -lest that they drive the sheep away while I do seek for water." "Nay," -quoth he again, "but they be not alive; they be made only to call up -before our eyes things that happened long ago." "How;" said I, "thou -didst even now talk with them: how then can they be not alive?" At that -the hermit must, against his will and contrary to his habit, laugh: and -"Dear child," says he, "these figures cannot talk: but what they do and -what they are, that can I see from these black lines, and that do men -call reading. And when I thus do read, thou conceivest that I speak -with the figures: but 'tis not so." - -Yet I answered him: "If I be a man as thou art, so must I likewise be -able to see in these black lines what thou canst see: how then may I -understand thy words? Dear father, teach me in truth how to understand -this matter." - -So said he: "'Tis well, my son, and I will teach thee so that thou -mayest speak with these figures as well as I: only 'twill need time, in -which I must have patience and thou industry." - -With that he wrote me down an alphabet on birchbark, formed like print, -and when I knew the letters, I learned to spell, and thereafter to -read, and at last to write better than could the hermit himself; for I -imitated print in everything. - - - - -_Chap. xi._: DISCOURSETH OF FOODS, HOUSEHOLD STUFF, AND OTHER NECESSARY -CONCERNS, WHICH FOLK MUST HAVE IN THIS EARTHLY LIFE - - -In that wood did I abide for about two years, until the hermit died, -and after his death somewhat longer than a half-year. And therefore it -seemeth me good to tell to the curious reader, who often desireth to -know even the smallest matters, of our doings, our ways and works, and -how we spent our life. - -Now our food was vegetables of all kinds, turnips, cabbage, beans, -pease, and the like: nor did we despise beech-nuts, wild apples, pears, -and cherries: yea, and our hunger often made even acorns savoury to us; -our bread or, to say more truly, our cakes, we baked on hot ashes, and -they were made of Italian rye beaten fine. In winter we would catch -birds with springes and snares; but in spring and summer God bestowed -upon us young fledglings from their nest. Often must we make out with -snails and frogs: and so was fishing, both with net and line, -convenient to us: for close to our dwelling there flowed a brook, full -of fish and crayfish, all which did help to make our rough vegetable -diet palatable. Once on a time did we catch a young wild pig, and this -we penned in a stall, and did feed him with acorns and beech-nuts, so -fatted him and at last did eat him; for my hermit knew it could be no -sin to eat that which God hath created to such end for the whole human -race. - -Of salt we needed but little and spices not at all: for we might not -arouse our desire to drink, seeing that we had no cellar: what little -salt we wanted a good pastor furnished us who dwelt some fifteen miles -away from us, and of whom I shall yet have much to tell. - -Now as concerns our household stuff, we had enough: for we had a -shovel, a pick, an axe, a hatchet, and an iron pot for cooking, which -was indeed not our own, but lent to us by the said pastor: each of us -had an old blunt knife, which same were our own possessions, and no -more: more than that needed we naught, neither dishes, plates, -spoons, nor forks: neither kettles, frying-pans, gridirons, spits, -salt-cellars, no, nor any other table and kitchen ware: for our iron -pot was our dish, our hands our forks and spoons: and if we would -drink, we could do so through a pipe from the spring or else we dipped -our mouths like Gideon's soldiers. Then for garments: of wool, of silk, -of cotton, and of linen, as for beds, table-covers, and tapestries, we -had none save what we wore upon our bodies: for we deemed it enough if -we could shield ourselves from rain and frost. At other times we kept -no rule or order in our household, save on Sundays and holy-days, at -which time we would start on our way at midnight, so that we might come -early enough to escape men's notice, to the said pastor's church, which -was a little away from the village, and there might attend service. -When we came thither we betook ourselves to the broken organ, from -which place we could see both altar and pulpit: and when I first saw -the pastor go up to the pulpit I asked my hermit what he would do in -that great tub! So, service finished, we went home as secretly as we -had come, and when we found ourselves once more at home, with weary -body and weary feet, then did we eat foul food with fair appetite: then -would the hermit spend the rest of the day in praying and in the -instructing of me in holy things. - -On working days we would do that which seemed most necessary to do, -according as it happened, and as such was required by the time of year -and by our needs: now would we work in the garden: another time we -gathered together the rich mould in shady places and out of hollow -trees to improve our garden therewith in place of dung; again we would -weave baskets or fishing-nets or chop firewood, or go a-fishing, or do -aught to banish idleness. Yet among all these occupations did the good -hermit never cease to instruct me faithfully in all good things: and -meanwhile did I learn, in such a hard life, to endure hunger, thirst, -heat, cold, and great labour, and before all things to know God and how -one should serve Him best, which was the chiefest thing of all. And -indeed my faithful hermit would have me know no more, for he held it -was enough for any Christian to attain his end and aim, if he did but -constantly pray and work: so it came about that, though I was pretty -well instructed in ghostly matters, and knew my Christian belief well -enough, and could speak the German language as well as a talking -spelling-book, yet I remained the most simple lad in the world: so that -when I left the wood I was such a poor, sorry creature that no dog -would have left his bone to run after me. - - - - -_Chap. xii._: TELLS OF A NOTABLE FINE WAY, TO DIE HAPPY AND TO HAVE -ONESELF BURIED AT SMALL COST - - -So had I spent two years or thereabouts, and had scarce grown -accustomed to the hard life of a hermit, when one day my best friend on -earth took his pick, gave me the shovel, and led me by the hand, -according to his daily custom, to our garden, where we were wont to say -our prayers. - -"Now Simplicissimus, dear child," said he, "inasmuch as, God be -praised, the time is at hand when I must part from this earth and must -pay the debt of nature, and leave thee behind me in this world, and -whereas I do partly foresee the future course of thy life and do know -well that thou wilt not long abide in this wilderness, therefore did I -desire to strengthen thee in the way of virtue which thou hast entered -on, and to give thee some lessons for thy instruction by means of which -thou shouldest so rule thy life that, as though by an unfailing clue, -thou mightest find thy way to eternal happiness, and so with all elect -saints mightest be found worthy for ever to behold the face of God in -that other life." - -These words did drown mine eyes in tears, even as once the enemy's -device did drown the town of Villingen; in a word, they were so -terrible that I could not endure them, but said: "Beloved father, wilt -thou then leave me alone in this wild wood? Must I then ...?" And more -I could not say, for my heart's sorrow was, by reason of the -overflowing love which I bore to my true father, so grievous that I -sank at his feet as if I were dead. Yet did he raise me up and comfort -me so far as time and opportunity did allow, and would shew me mine own -error, in that he asked, would I rebel against the decree of the -Almighty? "and knowest thou not," says he, "that neither heaven nor -hell can do that? Nay, nay, my son! Why dost thou propose further to -burden my weak body, which of itself is but desirous of rest? Thinkest -thou to force me to sojourn longer in this vale of tears? Ah no, my -son, let me go, for in any case neither with lamentation and tears, nor -still less with my good will, canst thou compel me to dwell longer in -this misery when I am by God's express will called away therefrom: -instead of all this useless clamour, follow thou my last words, which -are these: the longer thou livest seek to know thyself the better, and -if thou live as long as Methuselah, yet let not such practice depart -from thy heart: for that most men do come to perdition this is the -cause--namely, that they know not what they have been and what they can -or must be." And further he exhorted me, I should at all times beware -of bad company: for the harm of that was unspeakable. Of that he gave -me an example, saying: "If thou puttest a drop of malmsey into a vessel -full of vinegar, forthwith it turns to vinegar: but if thou pour a drop -of vinegar into malmsey, that drop will disappear into the wine. -Beloved son, before all things be steadfast: for whoso endureth to the -end he shall be saved; but if it happen, contrary to my hopes, that -thou from human weakness dost fall, then by a fitting penitence raise -thyself up again." - -Now this careful and pious man gave me but this brief counsel, not -because he knew no more, but because in sober truth I seemed to him, by -reason of my youth, not able to comprehend more in such a case, and -again, because few words be better to hold in remembrance than long -discourse, and if they have pith and point do work greater good when -they be pondered on than any long sermon, which a man may well -understand as spoken and yet is wont presently to forget. And these -three points: to know oneself: to avoid bad company: and to stand -steadfast; this holy man, without doubt, deemed good and necessary -because he had made trial of them in his own case and had not found -them to fail: for, coming to know himself, he eschewed not only bad -company but that of the whole world, and in that plan did persevere to -the end, on which doubtless all salvation doth depend. - -So when he had thus spoken, he began with his mattock to dig his own -grave: and I helped as best I could in whatever way he bade me; yet did -I not conceive to what end all this was. Then said he: "My dear and -only true son (for besides thee I never begat creature for the honour -of our Creator), when my soul is gone to its own place, then do thy -duty to my body, and pay me the last honours: cover me up with these -same clods which we have even now dug from this pit," And thereupon he -took me in his arms and, kissing me, pressed me harder to his breast -than would seem possible for a man so weak as he appeared to be. And, -"Dear child," says he, "I commend thee to God his protection, and die -the more cheerfully because I hope He will receive thee therein." Yet -could I do naught but lament and cry, yea, did hang upon the chains -which he wore on his neck, and thought thereby to prevent him from -leaving me. But "My son," says he, "let me go, that I may see if the -grave be long enough for me." And therewith he laid aside the chains -together with his outer garment, and so entered the pit even as one -that will lie down to sleep, saying, "Almighty God, receive again the -soul that Thou hast given: Lord, into Thy hands I commend my spirit." -Thereupon did he calmly close his lips and his eyes: while I stood -there like a stockfish, and dreamt not that his dear soul could so have -left the body: for often I had seen him in such trances: and so now, as -was my wont in such a case, I waited there for hours praying by the -grave. But when my beloved hermit arose not again, I went down into the -grave to him and began to shake, to kiss, and to caress him: but there -was no life in him, for grim and pitiless death had robbed the poor -Simplicissimus of his holy companionship. Then did I bedew or, to say -better, did embalm with my tears his lifeless body, and when I had for -a long time run up and down with miserable cries, began to heap earth -upon him, with more sighs than shovelfuls: and hardly had I covered his -face when I must go down again and uncover it afresh that I might see -it and kiss it once more. And so I went on all day till I had finished, -and in this way ended all the funeral; an "exequiae" and "ludi -gladiatorii" wherein neither bier, coffin, pall, lights, bearers, nor -mourners were at hand, nor any clergy to sing over the dead. - - - - -_Chap. xiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS DRIVEN ABOUT LIKE A STRAW IN A -WHIRLPOOL - - -Now a few days after the hermit's decease I betook myself to the pastor -above mentioned and declared to him my master's death, and therewith -besought counsel from him how I should act in such a case. And though -he much dissuaded me from living longer in the forest, yet did I boldly -tread on in my predecessor's footsteps, inasmuch as for the whole -summer I did all that a holy monk should do. But as time changeth all -things, so by degrees the grief which I felt for my hermit grew less -and less, and the sharp cold of winter without quenched the heat of my -steadfast purpose within. And the more I began to falter the lazier did -I become in my prayers, for in place of dwelling ever upon godly and -heavenly thoughts, I let myself be overcome by the desire to see the -world: and inasmuch as for this purpose I could do no good in my -forest, I determined to go again to the said pastor and ask if he again -would counsel me to leave the wood. To that end I betook myself to his -village, which when I came thither I found in flames: for a party of -troopers had but now plundered and burned it, and of the peasants -killed some, driven some away, and some had made prisoners, among whom -was the pastor himself. Ah God, how full is man's life of care and -disappointment! Scarce hath one misfortune ended and lo! we are in -another. I wonder not that the heathen philosopher Timon set up many -gallows at Athens, whereon men might string themselves up, and so with -brief pain make an end to their wretched life. These troopers were even -now ready to march, and had the pastor fastened by a rope to lead him -away. Some cried, "Shoot him down, the rogue!" Others would have money -from him. But he, lifting up his hands to heaven, begged, for the sake -of the Last Judgment, for forbearance and Christian compassion, but in -vain; for one of them rode him down and dealt him such a blow on the -head that he fell flat, and commended his soul to God. Nor did the -remainder of the captured peasants fare any better. But even when it -seemed these troopers, in their cruel tyranny, had clean lost their -wits, came such a swarm of armed peasants out of the wood, that it -seemed a wasps'-nest had been stirred. And these began to yell so -frightfully and so furiously to attack with sword and musket that all -my hair stood on end; and never had I been at such a merrymaking -before: for the peasants of the Spessart and the Vogelsberg are as -little wont as are the Hessians and men of the Sauerland and the Black -Forest to let themselves be crowed over on their own dunghill. So away -went the troopers, and not only left behind the cattle they had -captured, but threw away bag and baggage also, and so cast all their -booty to the winds lest themselves should become booty for the -peasants: yet some of them fell into their hands. This sport took from -me well-nigh all desire to see the world, for I thought, if 'tis all -like this, then is the wilderness far more pleasant. Yet would I fain -hear what the pastor had to say of it, who was, by reason of wounds and -blows received, faint, weak, and feeble. Yet he made shift to tell me -he knew not how to help or advise me, since he himself was now in a -plight in which he might well have to seek his bread by begging, and if -I should remain longer in the woods, I could hope no more for help from -him; since, as I saw with my own eyes, both his church and his -parsonage were in flames. Thereupon I betook myself sorrowfully to my -dwelling in the wood, and because on this journey I had been but little -comforted, yet on the other hand had become more full of pious -thoughts, therefore I resolved never more to leave the wilderness: and -already I pondered whether it were not possible for me to live without -salt (which the pastor had until now furnished me with) and so do -without mankind altogether. - - - - -_Chap. xiv._: A QUAINT COMEDIA OF FIVE PEASANTS - - -So now that I might follow up my design and become a true anchorite, I -put on my hermit's hair-shirt which he had left me and girded me with -his chain over it: not indeed as if I needed it to mortify my unruly -flesh, but that I might be like to my fore-runner both in life and in -habit, and moreover might by such clothes be the better able to protect -myself against the rough cold of winter. But the second day after the -above-mentioned village had been plundered and burnt, as I was sitting -in my hut and praying, at the same time roasting carrots for my food -over the fire, there surrounded me forty or fifty musqueteers: and -these, though amazed at the strangeness of my person, yet ransacked my -hut, seeking what was not there to find: for nothing had I but books, -and these they threw this way and that as useless to them. But at last, -when they regarded me more closely and saw by my feathers what a poor -bird they had caught, they could easily reckon there was poor booty to -be found where I was. And much they wondered at my hard way of life, -and shewed great pity for my tender youth, specially their officer that -commanded them: for he shewed me respect, and earnestly besought me -that I would shew him and his men the way out of the wood wherein they -had long been wandering. Nor did I refuse, but led them the nearest way -to the village, even where the before-mentioned pastor had been so ill -handled; for I knew no other road. - -Now before we were out of the wood, we espied some ten peasants, of -whom part were armed with musquets, while the rest were busied with -burying something. So our musqueteers ran upon them, crying, "Stay! -stay!" But they answered with a discharge of shot, and when they saw -they were outnumbered by the soldiers, away they went so quick that -none of the musqueteers, being weary, could overtake them. So then they -would dig up again what the peasants had been burying: and that was the -easier because they had left the mattocks and spades which they used -lying there. But they had made few strokes with the pick when they -heard a voice from below crying out, "O ye wanton rogues, O ye worst of -villains, think ye that Heaven will leave your heathenish cruelty and -tricks unpunished? Nay, for there live yet honest fellows by whom your -barbarity shall be paid in such wise that none of your fellow men shall -think you worth even a kick of his foot." So the soldiers looked on one -another in amazement, and knew not what to do. For some thought they -had to deal with a ghost: to me it seemed I was dreaming: but the -officer bade them dig on stoutly. And presently they came to a cask, -which they burst open, and therein found a fellow that had neither nose -nor ears, and yet still lived. He, when he was somewhat revived, and -had recognised some of the troop, told them how on the day before, as -some of his regiment were a-foraging, the peasants had caught six of -them. And of these they first of all, about an hour before, had shot -five dead at once, making them stand one behind another; and because -the bullet, having already passed through five bodies, did not reach -him, who stood sixth and last, they had cut off his nose and ears, yet -before that had forced him to render to five of them the filthiest -service in the world.[4] But when he saw himself thus degraded by these -rogues without shame or knowledge of God, he had heaped upon them the -vilest reproaches, though they were willing now to let him go. Yet in -the hope one of them would from annoyance send a ball through his head, -he called them all by their right names: yet in vain. Only this, that -when he had thus chafed them they had clapped him in the cask here -present and buried him alive, saying, since he so desired death they -would not cheat him of his amusement. - -Now while the fellow thus lamented the torments he had endured, came -another party of foot-soldiers by a cross road through the wood, who -had met the abovementioned boors, caught five and shot the rest dead: -and among the prisoners were four to whom that maltreated trooper had -been forced to do that filthy service a little before. So now, when -both parties had found by their manner of hailing one another that they -were of the same army, they joined forces, and again must hear from the -trooper himself how it had fared with him and his comrades. And there -might any man tremble and quake to see how these same peasants were -handled: for some in their first fury would say, "Shoot them down," but -others said, "Nay: these wanton villains must we first properly -torment: yea, and make them to understand in their own bodies what they -have deserved as regards the person of this same trooper." And all the -time while this discussion proceeded these peasants received such -mighty blows in the ribs from the butts of their musquets that I -wondered they did not spit blood. But presently stood forth a soldier, -and said he: "You gentlemen, seeing that it is a shame to the whole -profession of arms that this rogue (and therewith he pointed to that -same unhappy trooper) have so shamefully submitted himself to the will -of five boors, it is surely our duty to wash out this spot of shame, -and compel these rogues to do the same shameful service for this -trooper which they forced him to do for them." But another said: "This -fellow is not worth having such honour done to him; for were he not a -poltroon surely he would not have done such shameful service, to the -shame of all honest soldiers, but would a thousand times sooner have -died." In a word, 'twas decided with one voice that each of the -captured peasants should do the same filthy service for ten soldiers -which their comrade had been forced to do, and each time should say, -"So do I cleanse and wash away the shame which these soldiers think -they have endured." - -Thereafter they would decide how they should deal with the peasants -when they had fulfilled this cleanly task, So presently they went to -work; but the peasants were so obstinate that neither by promise of -their lives nor by any torture could they be compelled thereto. Then -one took the fifth peasant, who had not maltreated the trooper, a -little aside, and says he: "If thou wilt deny God and all His saints, I -will let thee go whither thou wilt." Thereupon the peasant made reply, -"he had in all his life taken little count of saints, and had had but -little traffic with God," and added thereto with a solemn oath, "he -knew not God and had no art nor part in His kingdom." So then the -soldier sent a ball at his head: which worked as little harm as if it -had been shot at a mountain of steel. Then he drew out his hanger and -"Beest thou still here?" says he. "I promised to let thee go whither -thou wouldst: see now, I send thee to the kingdom of hell, since thou -wilt not to heaven": and so he split his head down to the teeth. And as -he fell, "So," said the soldier, "must a man avenge himself and punish -these loose rogues both in this world and the next." - -Meanwhile the other soldiers had the remaining four peasants to deal -with. These they bound, hands and feet together, over a fallen tree in -such wise that their back-sides (saving your presence) were uppermost. -Then they stript off their breeches, and took some yards of their -match-string and made knots in it, and fiddled them therewith so -mercilessly that the blood ran. So they cried out lamentably, but 'twas -but sport for the soldiers, who ceased not to saw away till skin and -flesh were clean sawn off the bones. Me they let go to my hut, for the -last-arrived party knew the way well. And so I know not how they -finished with the peasants. - - - - -_Chap. xv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PLUNDERED, AND HOW HE DREAMED OF -THE PEASANTS AND HOW THEY FARED IN TIMES OF WAR - - -Now when I came home I found that my fireplace and all my poor -furniture, together with my store of provisions, which I had grown -during the summer in my garden and had kept for the coming winter, were -all gone. "And whither now?" thought I. And then first did need teach -me heartily to pray: and I must summon all my small wits together, to -devise what I should do. But as my knowledge of the world was both -small and evil, I could come to no proper conclusion, only that 'twas -best to commend myself to God and to put my whole confidence in Him: -for otherwise I must perish. And besides all this those things which I -had heard and seen that day lay heavy on my mind: and I pondered not so -much upon my food and my sustenance as upon the enmity which there is -ever between soldiers and peasants. Yet could my foolish mind come to -no other conclusion than this--that there must of a surety be two races -of men in the world, and not one only, descended from Adam, but two, -wild and tame, like other unreasoning beasts, and therefore pursuing -one another so cruelly. - -With such thoughts I fell asleep, for mere misery and cold, with a -hungry stomach. Then it seemed to me, as if in a dream, that all the -trees which stood round my dwelling suddenly changed and took on -another appearance: for on every tree-top sat a trooper, and the trunks -were garnished, in place of leaves, with all manner of folk. Of these, -some had long lances, others musquets, hangers, halberts, flags, and -some drums and fifes. Now this was merry to see, for all was neatly -distributed and each according to his rank. The roots, moreover, were -made up of folk of little worth, as mechanics and labourers, mostly, -however, peasants and the like; and these nevertheless gave its -strength to the tree and renewed the same when it was lost: yea more, -they repaired the loss of any fallen leaves from among themselves to -their own great damage: and all the time they lamented over them that -sat on the tree, and that with good reason, for the whole weight of the -tree lay upon them and pressed them so that all the money was squeezed -out of their pockets, yea, though it was behind seven locks and keys: -but if the money would not out, then did the commissaries so handle -them with rods (which thing they call military execution) that sighs -came from their heart, tears from their eyes, blood from their nails, -and the marrow from their bones. Yet among these were some whom men -call light o' heart; and these made but little ado, took all with a -shrug, and in the midst of their torment had, in place of comfort, -mockery for every turn. - - - - -_Chap. xvi._: OF THE WAYS AND WORKS OF SOLDIERS NOWADAYS, AND HOW -HARDLY A COMMON SOLDIER CAN GET PROMOTION - - -So must the roots of these trees suffer and endure toil and misery in -the midst of trouble and complaint, and those upon the lower boughs in -yet greater hardship: yet were these last mostly merrier than the first -named, yea and moreover, insolent and swaggering, and for the most part -godless folk, and for the roots a heavy unbearable burden at all times. -And this was the rhyme upon them: - - "Hunger and thirst, and cold and heat, and work and woe, - and all we meet; - And deeds of blood and deeds of shame, all may ye put to - the landsknecht's name." - -Which rhymes were the less like to be lyingly invented in that they -answered to the facts. For gluttony and drunkenness, hunger and thirst, -wenching and dicing and playing, riot and roaring, murdering and being -murdered, slaying and being slain, torturing and being tortured, -hunting and being hunted, harrying and being harried, robbing and being -robbed, frighting and being frighted, causing trouble and suffering -trouble, beating and being beaten: in a word, hurting and harming, and -in turn being hurt and harmed--this was their whole life. And in this -career they let nothing hinder them: neither winter nor summer, snow -nor ice, heat nor cold, rain nor wind, hill nor dale, wet nor dry; -ditches, mountain-passes, ramparts and walls, fire and water, were all -the same to them. Father nor mother, sister nor brother, no, nor the -danger to their own bodies, souls, and consciences, nor even loss of -life and of heaven itself, or aught else that can be named, will ever -stand in their way, for ever they toil and moil at their own strange -work, till at last, little by little, in battles, sieges, attacks, -campaigns, yea, and in their winter quarters too (which are the -soldiers' earthly paradise, if they can but happen upon fat peasants) -they perish, they die, they rot and consume away, save but a few, who -in their old age, unless they have been right thrifty reivers and -robbers, do furnish us with the best of all beggars and vagabonds. - -Next above these hard-worked folk sat old henroost-robbers, who, after -some years and much peril of their lives, had climbed up the lowest -branches and clung to them, and so far had had the luck to escape -death. Now these looked more serious, and somewhat more dignified than -the lowest, in that they were a degree higher ascended: yet above them -were some yet higher, who had yet loftier imaginings because they had -to command the very lowest. And these people did call coat-beaters, -because they were wont to dust the jackets of the poor pikemen, and to -give the musqueteers oil enough to grease their barrels with. - -Just above these the trunk of the tree had an interval or stop, which -was a smooth place without branches, greased with all manner of -ointments and curious soap of disfavour, so that no man save of noble -birth could scale it, in spite of courage and skill and knowledge, God -knows how clever he might be. For 'twas polished as smooth as a marble -pillar or a steel mirror. Just over that smooth spot sat they with the -flags: and of these some were young, some pretty well in years: the -young folk their kinsmen had raised so far: the older people had either -mounted on a silver ladder which is called the Bribery Backstairs or -else on a step which Fortune, for want of a better client, had left for -them. A little further up sat higher folk, and these had also their -toil and care and annoyance: yet had they this advantage, that they -could fill their pokes with the fattest slices which they could -cut out of the roots, and that with a knife which they called -"War-contribution." And these were at their best and happiest when -there came a commissary-bird flying overhead, and shook out a whole -panfull of gold over the tree to cheer them: for of that they caught as -much as they could, and let but little or nothing at all fall to the -lowest branches: and so of these last more died of hunger than of the -enemy's attacks, from which danger those placed above seemed to be -free. Therefore was there a perpetual climbing and swarming going on on -those trees; for each would needs sit in those highest and happiest -places: yet were there some idle, worthless rascals, not worth their -commissariat-bread, who troubled themselves little about higher places, -and only did their duty. So the lowest, being ambitious, hoped for the -fall of the highest, that they might sit in their place, and if it -happened to one among ten thousand of them that he got so far, yet -would such good luck come to him only in his miserable old age when he -was more fit to sit in the chimney-corner and roast apples than to meet -the foe in the field. And if any man dealt honestly and carried himself -well, yet was he ever envied by others, and perchance by reason of some -unlucky chance of war deprived both of office and of life. And nowhere -was this more grievous than at the before-mentioned smooth place on the -tree: for there an officer who had had a good sergeant or corporal -under him must lose him, however unwillingly, because he was now made -an ensign. And for that reason they would take, in place of old -soldiers, inkslingers, footmen, overgrown pages, poor noblemen, and at -times poor relations, tramps and vagabonds. And these took the very -bread out of the mouths of those that had deserved it, and forthwith -were made Ensigns. - - - - -_Chap. xvii._: HOW IT HAPPENS THAT, WHEREAS IN WAR THE NOBLES ARE EVER -PUT BEFORE THE COMMON MEN, YET MANY DO ATTAIN FROM DESPISED RANK TO -HIGH HONOURS - - -All this vexed a sergeant so much that he began loudly to complain: -whereupon one Nobilis answered him: "Knowst thou not that at all times -our rulers have appointed to the highest offices in time of war those -of noble birth as being fittest therefore. For greybeards defeat no -foe: were it so, one could send a flock of goats for that employ: We -say: - - "Choose out a bull that's young and strong to lead - and keep the herd, - For though the veteran be good, the young must - be preferred. - So let the herdsman trust to him, full young though - he appears: - 'Tis but a saw, and 'tis no law, that wisdom comes - with years." - -"Tell me," says he, "thou old cripple, is't not true that nobly born -officers be better respected by the soldiery than they that beforetime -have been but servants? And what discipline in war can ye find where no -respect is? Must not a general trust a gentleman more than a peasant -lad that had run away from his father at the plough-tail and so done -his own parents no good service? For a proper gentleman, rather than -bring reproach upon his family by treason or desertion or the like, -will sooner die with honour. And so 'tis right the gentles should have -the first place. So doth Joannes de Platea plainly lay it down that in -furnishing of offices the preference should ever be given to the -nobility, and these properly set before the commons. Such usage is to -be found in all codes of laws, and is, moreover, confirmed in Holy -Writ: for 'happy is the land whose king is of noble family,' saith -Sirach in his tenth chapter; which is a noble testimony to the -preference belonging to gentle birth. And even if one of your kidney be -a good soldier enough that can smell powder and play his part well in -every venture, yet is he not therefore capable of command of others: -which quality is natural to gentlemen, or at least customary to them -from their youth up. And so saith Seneca, 'A hero's soul hath this -property, that 'tis ever alert in search of honour: and no lofty spirit -hath pleasure in small and unworthy things.' Moreover, the nobles have -more means to furnish their inferior officers with money and to procure -recruits for their weak companies than a peasant. And so to follow the -common proverb, it were not well to put the boor above the gentleman; -yea, and the boors would soon become too high-minded if they be made -lords straightway; for men say: - - "'Where will ye find a sharper sword, than peasant - churl that's made a lord?' - -"Now had the peasants, by reason of long and respectable custom, -possessed all offices in war and elsewhere, of a surety they would have -let no gentleman into such. Yea, and besides, though ye soldiers of -Fortune, as ye call yourselves, be often willingly helped to raise -yourselves to higher ranks, yet ye are commonly so worn out that when -they try you and would find you a better place, they must hesitate to -promote you; for the heat of your youth is cooled down and your only -thought is how ye can tend and care for your sick bodies which, by -reason of much hardships, be crippled and of little use for war: yea, -and a young dog is better for hunting than an old lion." - -Then answered the old sergeant, "And what fool would be a soldier, if -he might not hope by his good conduct to be promoted, and so rewarded -for faithful service? Devil take such a war as that! For so 'tis all -the same whether a man behave himself well or ill! Often did I hear our -old colonel say he wanted no soldier in his regiment that had not the -firm intention to become a general by his good conduct. And all the -world must acknowledge that 'tis those nations which promote common -soldiers, that are good soldiers too, that win victories, as may be -seen in the case of the Turks and Persians; so says the verse - - "'Thy lamp is bright: yet feed it well with oil: an - thou dost not the flame sinks down and dies. - So by rewards repay the soldiers toil, for service - brave demands its pay likewise.'" - -Then answered Nobilis: "If we see brave qualities and in an honest man, -we shall not overlook them: for at this very time see how many there be -who from the plough, from the needle, from shoemaking, and from -shepherding have done well by themselves, and by such bravery have -raised themselves up far above the poorer nobility to the ranks of -counts and barons. Who was the Imperialist John de Werth? Who was the -Swede Stalhans? Who were the Hessians, Little Jakob and St. André? Of -their kind there were many yet well known whom I, for brevity's sake, -forbear to mention. So is it nothing new in the present time, nor will -it be otherwise in the future, that honest men attain by war to great -honours, as happened also among the ancients. Tamburlaine became a -mighty king and the terror of the whole world, which was before but a -swineherd: Agathocles, King of Sicily, was son of a potter; Emperor -Valentinian's father was a ropemaker; Maurice the Cappadocian, a slave, -was emperor after Tiberius II.; Justin, that reigned before Justinian, -was before he was emperor a swineherd; Hugh Capet, a butcher's son, was -afterward King of France; Pizarro likewise a swineherd, which -afterwards was marquess in the West Indies, where he had to weigh out -his gold in hundredweights." - -The sergeant answered: "All this sounds fair enough for my purpose: yet -well I see that the doors by which we might win to many dignities be -shut against us by the nobility. For as soon as he is crept out of his -shell, forthwith your nobleman is clapped into such a position as we -cannot venture to set our thoughts upon, howbeit we have done more than -many a noble who is now appointed a colonel. And just as among the -peasants many noble talents perish for want of means to keep a lad at -his studies, so many a brave soldier grows old under the weight of a -musquet, that more properly deserved a regiment and could have tendered -great services to his general." - - - - -_Chap. xviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK HIS FIRST STEP INTO THE WORLD -AND THAT WITH EVIL LUCK - - -I cared no longer to listen to this old ass, but grudged him not his -complaints, for often he himself had beaten poor soldiers like dogs. I -turned again to the trees whereof the whole land was full and saw how -they swayed and smote against each other: and the fellows tumbled off -them in batches. Now a crack; now a fall. One moment quick, the next -dead. In a moment one lost an arm, another a leg, the third his head. -And as I looked methought all trees I saw were but one tree, at whose -top sat the war-god Mars, and which covered with its branches all -Europe. It seemed to me this tree could have overshadowed the whole -world: but because it was blown about by envy and hate, by suspicion -and unfairness, by pride and haughtiness and avarice, and other such -fair virtues, as by bitter north winds, therefore it seemed thin and -transparent: for which reason one had writ on its trunk these rhymes: - - "The holmoak by the wind beset and brought to ruin, - Breaks its own branches down and proves its own undoing. - By civil war within and brothers' deadly feud - Alls topsy-turvy turned and misery hath ensued." - -By the mighty roaring of these cruel winds and the noise of the -breaking of the tree itself I was awoke from my sleep, and found myself -alone in my hut. Then did I again begin to ponder what I should do. For -to remain in the wood was impossible, since I had been so utterly -despoiled that I could not keep myself: nothing remained to me but a -few books which lay strewn about in confusion. And when with weeping -eyes I took these up to read, calling earnestly upon God that He would -lead and guide me whither I should go, I found by chance a letter which -my hermit had writ in his lifetime, and this was the content of it. -"Beloved Simplicissimus, when thou findest this letter, go forthwith -out of the forest and save thyself and the pastor from present -troubles: for he hath done me much good. God, whom thou must at all -times have before thine eyes and earnestly pray to, will bring thee to -the place which is best for thee. Only keep Him ever in thy sight and -be diligent ever to serve Him as if thou wert still in my presence in -the wood. Consider and follow without ceasing my last words, and so -mayest thou stand firm. Farewell." - -I kissed this letter and the hermit's grave many thousand times, and -started on my way to seek for mankind. Yet before I could find them I -journeyed straight on for two whole days, and when night overtook me, -sought out a hollow tree for my shelter, and my food was naught but -beech-nuts which I picked up on the way: but on the third day I came to -a pretty open field near Gelnhausen, and there I enjoyed a veritable -banquet, for the whole place was full of wheatsheaves which the -peasants, being frightened away after the great battle of Nördlingen, -had for my good fortune not been able to carry off. Inside a sheaf I -set up my tent, for 'twas cruel cold, and filled my belly with the ears -of corn which I rubbed in my hands: and such a meal I had not enjoyed -for a long time. - - - - -_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CAPTURED BY HANAU AND HANAU BY -SIMPLICISSIMUS - - -When 'twas day I fed myself again with wheat, and thereafter betook -myself to Gelnhausen, and there I found the gates open and partly -burnt, yet half barricaded with dung. So I went in, but was ware of no -living creature there. Indeed the streets were strewn here and there -with dead, some of whom were stripped to their shirts, some stark -naked. This was a terrifying spectacle, as any man can imagine. I, in -my simplicity, could not guess what mishap had brought the place to -such a plight. But not long after I learned that the Imperialists -had surprised a few of Weimar's folk there. And hardly had I gone -two-stones'-throw into the town when I had seen enough: so I turned me -about and went across the meadows, and presently I came to a good road -which brought me to the fine fortress of Hanau. When I came to the -first sentries I tried to pass; but two musqueteers made at me, who -seized me and took me off to their guard-room. - -Now must I first describe to the reader my wonderful dress at that -time, before I tell him how I fared further. For my clothing and -behaviour were altogether so strange, astonishing, and uncouth, that -the governor had my picture painted. Firstly, my hair had for two years -and a half never been cut either Greek, German, or French fashion, nor -combed nor curled nor puffed, but stood in its natural wildness with -more than a year's dust strewn on it instead of hair plunder or powder, -or whatever they call the fools' work--and that so prettily that I -looked with my pale face underneath it, like a great white owl that is -about to bite or else watching for a mouse. And because I was -accustomed at all times to go bareheaded and my hair was curly, I had -the look of wearing a Turkish turban. The rest of my garb answered to -my head-gear; for I had on my hermit's coat, if I may now call it a -coat at all, for the stuff out of which 'twas fashioned at first was -now clean gone and nothing more remaining of it but the shape, which -more than a thousand little patches of all colours, some put side by -side, some sewn upon one another with manifold stitches, still -represented. Over this decayed and yet often improved coat I wore the -hair-shirt mantle-fashion, for I needed the sleeves for breeches and -had cut them off for that purpose. But my whole body was girt about -with iron chains, most deftly disposed crosswise behind and before like -the pictures of St. William; so that all together made up a figure like -them that have once been captured by the Turks and now wander through -the land begging for their friends still in captivity. My shoes were -cut out of wood and the laces woven out of strips of lime-bark: and my -feet looked like boiled lobsters, as I had had on stockings of the -Spanish national colour or had dyed my skin with logwood. In truth I -believe if any conjurer, mountebank, or stroller had had me and had -given me out for a Samoyede or a Greenlander, he would have found many -a fool that would have wasted a kreutzer on me. Yet though any man in -his wits could easily conclude, from my thin and starved looks and my -decayed clothes, I came neither from a cook-shop nor a lady's bower, -and still less had played truant from any great lord's court, -nevertheless I was strictly examined in the guard-room, and even as the -soldiers gaped at me so was I filled with wonder at the mad apparel of -their officer to whom I must answer and give account. I knew not if it -were he or she: for he wore his hair and beard French fashion, with -long tails hanging down on each side like horse-tails, and his beard -was so miserably handled and mutilated that between mouth and nose -there were but a few hairs, and those had come off so ill that one -could scarce see them. And not less did his wide breeches leave me in -no small doubt of his sex, being such that they were as like a woman's -petticoats as a man's breeches. So I thought, if this be a man he -should have a proper beard, since the rogue is not so young as he -pretends: but if a woman, why hath the old witch so much stubble round -her mouth? Sure 'tis a woman, thought I, for no honest man would ever -let his beard be so lamentably bedevilled, seeing that even goats for -pure shamefacedness venture not a step among a strange flock when their -beards are clipped. So as I stood in doubt, knowing not of modern -fashions, at last I held he was man and woman at once. And this mannish -woman or this womanish man had me thoroughly searched, but could find -nothing on me but a little book of birch-bark wherein I had written -down my daily prayers, and had also left the letter which my pious -hermit, as I have said in the last chapter, had bequeathed me for his -farewell: that he took from me: but I, being loath to part from it, -fell down before him and clasped both his knees and, "O my good -Hermaphrodite," says I, "leave me my little prayer-book." "Thou fool," -he answered, "who the devil told thee my name was Hermann?" And -therewith commanded two soldiers to lead me to the Governor, giving -them the book to take with them: for indeed this fop, as I at once did -note, could neither read nor write himself. - -So I was led into the town, and all ran together as if a sea-monster -were on show; and according as each one regarded me so each made -something different out of me. Some deemed me a spy, others a wild man, -and some even a spirit, a spectre, or a monster, that should portend -some strange happening. Some, too, there were that counted me a mere -fool, and they had indeed come nearest to the mark had I not had the -knowledge of God our Father. - - - - -_Chap. xx._: IN WHAT WISE HE WAS SAVED FROM PRISON AND TORTURE - -Now when I was brought before the Governor he asked me whence I came. I -said I knew not. Then said he again "Whither wilt thou?" and again I -answered, "I know not." "What the devil dost thou know, then?" says he, -"What is thy business?" I answered as before, I knew not. He asked, -"Where dost thou dwell?" and as I again answered I knew not, his -countenance was changed, I know not whether from anger or astonishment. -But inasmuch as every man is wont to suspect evil, and specially the -enemy being in the neighbourhood, having just, as above narrated, -captured Gelnhausen and therein put to shame a whole regiment of -dragoons, he agreed with them that held me for a traitor or a spy, and -ordered that I should be searched. But when he learned from the -soldiers of the watch that this was already done, and nothing more -found on me than the book there present which they delivered to him, he -read a line or two therein and asked who had given me the book. I -answered it was mine from the beginning: for I had made it and written -it. Then he asked, "Why upon birch-bark?" I answered, because the bark -of other trees was not fitted therefore. "Thou rascal," says he, "I ask -why thou didst not write on paper." "Oh!" I answered him, "we had none -in the wood." The governor asked, "Where, in what wood?" And again I -paid him in my old coin and said I did not know. Then the governor -turned to some of his officers that waited on him and said, "Either -this is an arch-rogue, or else a fool: and a fool he cannot be, that -can write so well." And as he spake, he turned over the leaves to shew -them my fine handwriting, and that so sharply that the hermit's letter -fell out: and this he had picked up, while I turned pale, for that I -held for my chiefest treasure and holy relic. That the Governor noted -and conceived yet greater suspicion of treason, specially when he had -opened and read the letter, "for," says he, "I surely know this hand -and know that it is written by an officer well known to me: yet can I -not remember by whom." Also the contents seemed to him strange and not -to be understood: for he said, "This is without doubt a concerted -language, which none other can understand save him to whom it is -imparted." Then asking me my name, when I said Simplicissimus, "Yes, -yes," says he, "thou art one of the right kidney. Away, away: put him -at once in irons, hand and foot." - -So the two before-mentioned soldiers marched off with me to my bespoken -lodging, namely, the lock-up, and handed me over to the gaoler, which, -in accordance with his orders, adorned me with iron bands and chains on -hands and feet, as if I had not had enough to carry with those that I -had already bound round my body. Nor was this way of welcoming me -enough for the world, but there must come hangmen and their satellites, -with horrible instruments of torture, which made my wretched plight -truly grievous, though I could comfort myself with my innocence. "O! -God!" says I to myself, "how am I rightly served! To this end did -Simplicissimus run from the service of God into the world, that such a -misbirth of Christianity should receive the just reward which he hath -deserved for his wantonness! O, thou unhappy Simplicissimus, whither -hath thine ingratitude led thee! Lo, God hath hardly brought thee to -the knowledge of Him and into His service when thou, contrariwise, must -run off from His employ and turn thy back on Him. Couldest thou not go -on eating of acorns and beans as before, and so serving thy Creator? -Didst thou not know that thy faithful hermit and teacher had fled from -the world and chosen the wilderness? O stupid stock, thou didst leave -it in the hope to satisfy thy loose desire to see the world. And -behold, while thou thinkest to feed thine eyes, thou must in this maze -of dangers perish and be destroyed. Couldst thou not, unwise creature, -understand before this, that thy ever-blessed teacher would never have -left the world for that hard life which he led in the desert, if he had -hoped to find in the world true peace, and real rest, and eternal -salvation? O poor Simplicissimus, go thy way and receive the reward of -the idle thoughts thou hast cherished and thy presumptuous folly. Thou -hast no wrong to complain of, neither any innocence to comfort thee -with, for thou hast hastened to meet thine own torment and the death to -follow thereafter." So I bewailed myself, and besought God for -forgiveness and commended my soul to Him. In the meanwhile we drew near -to the prison, and when my need was greatest then was God's help -nearest: for as I was surrounded by the hangman's mates, and stood -there before the gaol with a great multitude of folk to wait till it -was opened and I could be thrust in, lo, my good pastor, whose village -had so lately been plundered and burned, must also see what was toward -(himself being also under arrest). So as he looked out of window and -saw me, he cried loudly, "O Simplicissimus, is it thou?" - -When this I heard and saw, I could not help myself, but must lift up -both hands to him and cry, "O father, father, father." So he asked what -had I done. I answered, I knew not: they had brought me there of a -certainty because I had deserted from the forest. But when he learned -from the bystanders that they took me for a spy, he begged they would -make a stay with me till he had explained my case to the Lord Governor, -for that would be of use for my deliverance and for his, and so would -hinder the Governor from dealing wrongfully with both of us, since he -knew me better than could any man. - - - - -_Chap. xxi._: HOW TREACHEROUS DAME FORTUNE CAST ON SIMPLICISSIMUS A -FRIENDLY GLANCE - - -So 'twas allowed him to go to the Governor, and a half-hour thereafter -I was fetched out likewise and put in the servitors' room, where were -already two tailors, a shoemaker with shoes, a haberdasher with -stockings and hats, and another with all manner of apparel, so that I -might forthwith be clothed. Then took they off my coat, chains and all, -and the hair-shirt, by which the tailors could take their measure -aright: next appeared a barber with his lather and his sweet-smelling -soaps, but even as he would exercise his art upon me came another order -which did grievously terrify me: for it ran, I should put on my old -clothes again. Yet 'twas not so ill meant as I feared: for there came -presently a painter with all his colours, namely vermilion and cinnabar -for my eyelids, indigo and ultramarine for my coral lips, gamboge and -ochre and yellow lead for my white teeth, which I was licking for sheer -hunger, and lamp-black and burnt umber for my golden hair, white lead -for my terrible eyes and every kind of paint for my weather-coloured -coat: also had he a whole handful of brushes. This fellow began to gaze -upon me, to take a sketch, to lay in a background and to hang his head -on one side, the better to compare his work exactly with my figure: now -he changed the eyes, now the hair, presently the nostrils; and, in a -word, all he had not at first done aright, till at length he had -executed a model true to nature; for a model Simplicissimus was. And -not till then might the barber whisk his razor over me: who twitched my -head this way and that and spent full an hour and a half over my hair: -and thereafter trimmed it in the fashion of that day: for I had hair -enough and to spare. After that he brought me to a bathroom and -cleansed my thin, starved body from more than three or four years' -dirt. And scarce was he ended when they brought me a white shirt, shoes -and stockings, together with a ruff or collar, and hat and feather. -Likewise the breeches were finely made and trimmed with gold lace; so -all that was wanted was the cloak, and upon that the tailors were at -work with all haste. Then came the cook with a strong broth and the -maid with a cup of drink: and there sat my lord Simplicissimus like a -young count, in the best of tempers. And I ate heartily though I knew -not what they would do with me: for as yet I had never heard of the -"condemned man's supper," and therefore the partaking of this glorious -first meal was to me so pleasant and sweet that I cannot sufficiently -express, declare, and boast of it to mankind; yea, hardly do I believe -I ever tasted greater pleasure in my life than then. So when the cloak -was ready I put it on, and in this new apparel shewed such an awkward -figure that it might seem one had dressed up a hedge-stake: for the -tailors had been ordered of intent to make the clothes too big for me, -in the hope I should presently put more flesh on, which, considering -the excellence of my feeding, seemed like to happen. But my forest -dress, together with the chains and all appurtenances, were conveyed -away to the museum, there to be added to other rare objects and -antiquities, and my portrait, of life size, was set hard by. - -So after his supper, his lordship myself was put to bed in such a bed -as I had never seen or heard of in my dad's house or while I dwelt with -my hermit: yet did my belly so growl and grumble the whole night -through that I could not sleep, perchance for no other reason than that -it knew not yet what was good or because it wondered at the delightful -new foods which had been given to it: but for me, I lay there quiet -until the sweet sun shone bright again (for 'twas cold) and reflected -what strange adventures I had passed through in a few days, and how God -my Father had so truly helped me and brought me into so goodly an -heritage. - - - - -_Chap. xxiii._: WHO THE HERMIT WAS BY WHOM SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHERISHED - - -The same morning the Governor's chamberlain commanded me, I should go -to the before-mentioned pastor, and there learn what his lordship had -said to him in my affair. Likewise he sent an orderly to bring me to -him. Then the pastor took me into his library, and there he sat down -and bade me also sit down, and says he, "My good Simplicissimus, that -same hermit with whom thou didst dwell in the wood was not only the -Lord Governor's brother-in-law, but also his staunch supporter in war -and his chiefest friend. As it pleased the Governor to tell me, the -same from his youth up had never failed either in the bravery of an -heroical soldier nor in that godliness and piety which became the -holiest of men: which two virtues it is not usual to find united. Yet -his spiritual mind, coupled with adverse circumstances, so checked the -course of his earthly happiness that he rejected his nobility and -resigned certain fine estates in Scotland where he was born, and -despised such because all worldly affairs now seemed to him vain, -foolish, and contemptible. In a word, he hoped to exchange his earthly -eminence for a better glory to come, for his noble spirit had a disgust -at all temporal display, and all his thoughts and desires were set on -that poor miserable life wherein thou didst find him in the forest and -wherein thou didst bear him company till his death." "And in my -opinion," said the pastor, "he had been seduced thereto by his reading -of many popish books concerning the lives of the ancient eremites. Yet -will I not conceal from thee how he came into the Spessart, and, in -accord with his wish, into such a miserable hermit's life, that thou -mayest hereafter be able to tell others thereof: for the second night -after that bloody battle of Höchst was lost, he came alone and -unattended to my parsonage-house, even as I, my wife, and children were -fallen asleep, and that towards morning, for because of the noise all -over the country which both pursuers and pursued are wont to make in -such cases, we had been awake all the night before and half of this -present one. At first he knocked gently, and then sharply enough, till -he wakened me and my sleep-drunken folk: and when I at his request, and -after short exchange of words, which was on both sides full cautious, -had opened the door, I saw the cavalier dismount from his mettlesome -steed. His costly clothing was as thickly sprinkled with the blood of -his enemies as it was decked with gold and silver; and inasmuch as he -still held his drawn sword in his hand, fear and terror came upon me. -Yet when he sheathed his sword and shewed nothing but courtesy I must -wonder that so noble a gentleman should so humbly beg a poor village -pastor for shelter. And by reason of his handsome person and his noble -carriage I addressed myself to him as to the Count of Mansfield -himself: but said he, he could for this once be not only compared to -the Count of Mansfield in respect of ill fortune but even preferred -before him. Three things did he lament: first, the loss of his lady, -and her near her delivery, and then the loss of his battle; and last of -all, that he had not had the luck to die therein, as did other honest -soldiers, for the Evangelical cause. Then would I comfort him, but saw -that his noble heart needed no comfort: so I set before him what the -house afforded and bade them make for him a soldier's bed of clean -straw, for in no other would he lie though much he needed rest. The -next morning, the first thing he did was to give me his horse and his -money (of which he had with him no mean sum in gold), and did share -divers costly rings among my wife, children, and servants. This could I -not understand in him, seeing that soldiers be wont far rather to take -than to give: and therefore I had doubts whether to receive so great -presents, and gave as a pretext that I had not deserved so much from -him nor could again repay him: besides, said I, if folk saw such -riches, and specially the splendid horse, which could not be hid, in my -possession, many would conclude I had robbed or murdered him. But he -said I should live without care on that score, for he would protect me -from such danger with his own handwriting, yea, and he would desire to -carry away out of my parsonage not even his shirt, let alone his -clothes: and therewith he opened his design to become a hermit. I -fought against that with might and main, for methought such a plan -smacked of Popery, reminding him that he could serve the Gospel more -with his sword, but in vain: for he argued so long and stoutly with me -that at last I gave in and provided him with those books, pictures, and -furniture which thou didst find in his hut. Yet would he take nothing -in return for all that he had presented to me save only the coverlet of -wool, under which he had slept on the straw that night: and out of that -he had a coat made. And my wagon chains (those which he always wore) -must I exchange with him for a golden one whereon he wore his lady's -portrait, so that he kept for himself neither money nor money's worth. -Then my servant led him to the wildest part of the wood, and there -helped him to build his hut. And in what manner he there spent his -life, and with what help at times I did assist him, thou knowest as -well as I, yea, in part better. - -"Now when lately the Battle of Nördlingen was lost and I, as thou -knowest, was clean stripped of all and also evilly handled, I fled -hither for safety; besides, I had here my chief possessions. And when -my ready money was about to fail me, I took three rings and the -before-mentioned chain, together with the portrait that I had from the -hermit, among which was his signet-ring, and took them to a Jew, to -turn them into money. But he, on account of their value and fine -workmanship, took them to the Governor to sell, who forthwith knew the -arms and portrait, and sent for me and asked where I had gotten such -treasures. So I told him the truth and shewed him the hermit's -handwriting or deed of gift, and narrated to him all his story; also -how he had lived and died in the wood. Such a tale he could not -believe, but put me under arrest, till he could better learn the truth; -and while he was at work sending out a party to take a survey of the -dwelling and to fetch thee hither, here I beheld thee brought to the -tower. Now seeing that the Governor hath no longer cause to doubt of my -story, and seeing that I can call to witness the place where the hermit -dwelt, and likewise thee and other living deponents, and most of all my -sexton, which so often admitted thee and him to the church before day, -and specially since the letter which he found in thy book of prayer -doth afford an excellent testimony not only of the truth, but of the -late hermit's holiness: therefore he will shew favour to me and thee -for the sake of his dear departed brother-in-law. And now hast thou -only to decide what thou wouldest he should do for thee. An thou wilt -study, he pays the cost: desirest thou to learn a trade, he will have -thee taught one: but if thou wilt stay with him he will hold thee as -his own child: for he said if even a dog came to him from his departed -brother-in-law he would cherish it." So I answered, 'twas all one to me -what the Lord Governor would do with me. - - - - -_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A PAGE: AND LIKEWISE, HOW THE -HERMIT'S WIFE WAS LOST - - -Now did the pastor keep me at his lodging till ten of the clock before -he would go with me to the Governor, to tell him of my resolve: for so -could he be his guest at dinner: for the Governor kept open house: 'tis -true Hanau was then blockaded, and with the common folk times were so -hard (especially with them that had fled for refuge to the fortress) -that some who seemed to themselves to be somewhat, were not ashamed to -pick up the frozen turnip-peelings in the streets, which the rich had -cast away. And my pastor was so lucky that he got to sit by the -Governor at the head of the table, while I waited on them with a plate -in my hand as the chamberlain taught me, to which business I was as -well fitted as an ass to play chess. Yet my pastor made good with his -tongue what the awkwardness of my person failed in. For he said I had -been reared in the wilderness, and had never dwelt among men, and -therefore must be excused, because I could not yet know how to carry -myself: yet the faithfulness I had shewn to the hermit and the hard -life I had endured with him were wonderful, and that alone deserved -that folk should not only have patience with my awkwardness but should -even put me before the finest young nobleman. Furthermore, he related -how the hermit had found all his joy in me because, as he often said, I -was so like in face to his dear lady, and that he had often marvelled -at my steadfastness and unchangeable will to remain with him, as also -at many other virtues which he praised in me. Lastly, he could not -enough declare with what earnest fervency the hermit had, just before -his death, commended me to him (the pastor) and had confessed he loved -me as his own child. This tickled my ears so much that methought I had -already received satisfaction enough for all I had endured with the -hermit. - -Then the Governor asked, did not his late brother-in-law know he was -commandant of Hanau. "Yea, truly," answered the pastor, "for I told him -myself: but he listened as coldly (yet with a joyful face and a gentle -smile) as he had never known any Ramsay, so that even now when I think -thereupon, I must wonder at this man's resolution and firm purpose, -that he could bring his heart to this: not only to renounce the world -but even to put out of his mind his best friend, when he had him close -at hand." - -Then were the Governor's eyes full of tears, who yet had no soft -woman's heart but was a brave and heroical soldier; and says he, "Had I -known he was yet alive and where he was to be found, I would have had -him fetched even against his will, that I might repay his kindnesses: -but since Fortune hath denied me that, I will in his place cherish his -Simplicissimus." And "Ah!" says he again, "the good cavalier had cause -enough to lament his wife, great with child as she was; for in the -pursuit she was captured by a party of Imperialist troopers, and that -too in the Spessart. Which when I heard, and knew not but that my -brother-in-law was slain at Höchst, at once I sent a trumpeter to the -enemy to ask for my sister and ransom her: yet got no more thereby than -to learn the said party of troopers had been scattered in the Spessart -by a few peasants, and that in that fight my sister had again been lost -to them, so that to this hour I know not what became of her." This and -the like made up the table-talk of the Governor and the pastor -regarding my hermit and his lady-wife: which pair were the more pitied -because they had enjoyed each other's love but a year. But as to me, I -became the Governor's page, and so fine a fellow that the people, -specially the peasants when I must announce them to my master, called -me the young lord already: though indeed one seldom sees a youngster -that hath been a lord, but oftentimes lords that have been youngsters. - - - - -_Chap. xxiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BLAMED THE WORLD AND SAW MANY IDOLS -THEREIN - - -Now at that time I had no precious possession save only a clear -conscience and a right pious mind, and that clad and surrounded with -the purest innocence and simplicity. Of vice I knew no more than that I -had at times heard it spoken of or read of it, and if I saw any man -commit such sin then was it to me a fearful and a terrible thing, I -being so brought up and reared as to have the presence of God ever -before my eyes and most earnestly to live according to His holy will: -and inasmuch as I knew all this, I could not but compare men's ways and -works with that same will: and methought I saw naught but vileness. -Lord God! How did I wonder at the first when I considered the law and -the Gospel and the faithful warnings of Christ, and saw, on the -contrary part, the deeds of them that gave themselves out to be His -disciples and followers! In place of the straightforward dealing which -every true Christian should have, I found mere hypocrisy; and besides, -such numberless follies among all dwellers in the world that I must -needs doubt whether I saw before me Christians or not. For though I -could see well that many had a serious knowledge of God's will: yet -could I mark but little serious purpose to fulfil the same. So had I a -thousand puzzles and strange thoughts in my mind, and fell into -grievous difficulty upon that saying of Christ, which saith, "Judge -not, that ye be not judged." Nevertheless there came into my mind the -words of St. Paul in the fifth chapter of Galatians, where he saith: -"The works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: adultery, -fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness," and so on: "of the which I -tell you before as I have also told you in time past, that they which -do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God." Then I thought: -every man doeth all these things openly: wherefore then should I not in -this matter conclude from the apostle's word that there shall be few -that are saved? - -Moreover, pride and greed with their worthy accompaniments, gorging and -swilling and loose living, were a daily occupation for them of -substance: yet what did seem to me most terrible of all was this -shameful thing, that some, and specially soldiers, in whose case vice -is not wont to be severely punished, should make of both these things, -their own godlessness and God's holy will, a mere jest. For example, I -heard once an adulterer which after his deed of shame accomplished -would treat thereof, and spake these godless words: "It serves the -cowardly cuckold aright," says he, "to get a pair of horns from me: and -if I confess the truth, I did the thing more to vex the husband than to -please the wife, and so to be revenged on them." - -"O pitiful revenge!" says one honest heart that stood by, "by which a -man staineth his own conscience and gaineth the shameful name of -adulterer and fornicator!" - -"What! fornicator!" answered he, with a scornful laughter, "I am no -fornicator because I have given this marriage a twist: a fornicator is -he that the sixth commandment[5] speaks of, where it forbids that any -man get into another's garden and nick the fruit before the owner." How -to prove that this was so to be understood, he forthwith explained -according to his devil's catechism the seventh commandment, wherein it -is said, "Thou shalt not steal." And of such words he used many, so -that I sighed within myself and thought, "O God-blaspheming sinner, -thou callest thyself a marriage-twister: and so then God must be a -marriage-breaker, seeing that He doth separate man and wife by death." -And out of mine overflowing zeal and anger I said to him, officer -though he was, "Thinkest thou not, thou sinnest more with these godless -words than by thine act of adultery." So he answered me, "Thou rascal, -must I give thee a buffet or two?" Yea, and I believe I had received a -handsome couple of such if the fellow had not stood in fear of my lord. -So I held my peace, and thereafter I marked it was no rare case for -single folk to cast eyes upon wedded folk and wedded folk upon such as -were unwedded. - -Now while I was yet studying, under my good hermit's care, the way to -eternal life, I much wondered why God had so straitly forbidden -idolatry to his people: for I imagined, if any one had ever known the -true and eternal God, he would never again honour and pray to any -other, and so in my stupid mind I resolved that this commandment was -unnecessary and vain. But ah! Fool as I was, I knew not what I thought -I knew: for no sooner was I come into the great world, than I marked -how (in spite of this commandment) wellnigh every man had his special -idol: yet some had more than the old and new heathen themselves. Some -had their god in their money-bags, upon which they put all their trust -and confidence: many a one had his idol at court, and trusted wholly -and entirely on him: which idol was but a minion and often even such a -pitiable lickspittle as his worshipper himself; for his airy godhead -depended only on the April weather of a prince's smile: others found -their idol in popularity, and fancied, if they could but attain to that -they would themselves be demi-gods. Yet others had their gods in their -head, namely, those to whom the true God had granted a sound brain, so -that they were able to learn certain arts and sciences: for these -forgot the great Giver and looked only to the gift, in the hope that -gift would procure them all prosperity. Yea, and there were many whose -god was but their own belly, to which they daily offered sacrifice, as -once the heathen did to Bacchus and Ceres, and when that god shewed -himself unkind or when human failings shewed themselves in him, these -miserable folk then made a god of their physician, and sought for their -life's prolongation in the apothecary's shop, wherefrom they were more -often sped on their way to death. And many fools made goddesses for -themselves out of flattering harlots: these they called by all manner -of outlandish names, worshipped them day and night with many thousand -sighs, and made songs upon them which contained naught but praise of -them, together with a humble prayer they would have mercy upon their -folly and become as great fools as were their suitors. - -Contrariwise were there women which had made their own beauty their -idol. For this, they thought, will give me my livelihood, let God in -heaven say what He will. And this idol was every day, in place of other -offerings, adorned and sustained with paint, ointments, waters, -powders, and the like daubs. - -There too I saw some which held houses luckily situated as their gods: -for they said, so long as they had lived therein had they ever had -health and wealth: and many said these had tumbled in through their -windows. At this folly I did more especially wonder because I would -well perceive the reason why the inhabitants so prospered. I knew one -man who for some years could never sleep by reason of his trade in -tobacco; for to this he had given up his heart, mind and soul, which -should be dedicate to God alone: and to this idol he sent up night and -day a thousand sighs, for 'twas by that he made his way in life. Yet -what did happen? The fool died and vanished like his own tobacco-smoke. -Then thought I, O thou miserable man! Had but thy soul's happiness and -the honour of the true God been so dear to thee as thine idol, which -stands upon thy shop-sign in the shape of a Brazilian, with a roll of -tobacco under his arm and a pipe in his mouth, then am I sure and -certain that thou hadst won a noble crown of honour to wear in the next -world. - -Another ass had yet more pitiful idols: for when in a great company it -was being told by each how he had been fed and sustained during the -great famine and scarcity of food, this fellow said in plain German: -the snails and frogs had been his gods: for want of them he must have -died of hunger. So I asked him what then had God Himself been to him, -who had provided such insects for his sustenance. The poor creature -could answer nothing, and I wondered the more because I had never read -that either the old idolatrous Egyptians or the new American savages -ever called such vermin their gods, as did this prater. - -I once went with a person of quality into his museum, wherein were fine -curiosities: but among all none pleased me better than an "Ecce Homo" -by reason of its moving portraiture, by which it stirred the spectator -at once to sympathy. By it there hung a paper picture painted in China, -whereon were Chinese idols sitting in their majesty, and some in shape -like devils. So the master of the house asked me which piece in this -gallery pleased me most. And when I pointed to the said "Ecce Homo" he -said I was wrong: for the Chinese picture was rarer and therefore of -more value: he would not lose it for a dozen such "Ecce Homos." So said -I, "Sir, is your heart like to your speech?" "Surely," said he. "Why -then," said I, "your heart's god is that one whose picture you do -confess with your mouth to be of most value." "Fool," says he, "'tis -the rarity I esteem." Whereto I replied, "Yet what can be rarer and -more worthy of wonder than that God's Son Himself suffered in the way -which this picture doth declare?" - - - - -_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND THE WORLD ALL STRANGE AND THE -WORLD FOUND HIM STRANGE LIKEWISE - - -Even as much as these and yet a greater number of idols were -worshipped, so much on the contrary was the majesty of the true God -despised: for as I never saw any desirous to keep His word and command, -so I saw contrariwise many that resisted him in all things and excelled -even the publicans in wickedness: which publicans were in the days when -Christ walked upon earth open sinners. And so saith Christ: "Love your -enemies; bless them that curse you. If ye do good only to your -brethren, what do ye that the publicans do not?" But I found not only -no one that would follow this command of Christ, but every man did the -clean opposite. "The more a man hath kindred the more a man is -hindered" was the word: and nowhere did I find more envy, hatred, -malice, quarrel, and dispute than between brothers, sisters, and other -born friends, specially if an inheritance fell to them. Moreover, the -handicraftsmen of every place hated one another, so that I could -plainly see, and must conclude, that in comparison the open sinners, -publicans and tax-gatherers, which by reason of their evil deeds were -hated by many, were far better than we Christians nowadays in exercise -of brotherly love: seeing that Christ bears testimony to them that at -least they did love one another. Then thought I, if we have no reward -because we love our enemies, how great must our punishment be if we -hate our friends! And where there should be the greatest love and good -faith, there I found the worst treachery and the strongest hatred. For -many a lord would fleece his true servants and subjects, and some -retainers would play the rogue against the best of lords. So too -between married folk I marked continual strife: many a tyrant treated -his wedded wife worse than his dog, and many a loose baggage held her -good husband but for a fool and an ass. So too, many currish lords and -masters cheated their industrious servants of their due pay and pinched -them both in food and drink: and contrariwise I saw many faithless -servitors which by theft or neglect brought their kind masters to ruin. -Tradesfolk and craftsmen did vie with each other in Jewish roguery: -exacted usury: sucked the sweat of the poor peasant's brow by all -manner of chicanery and over-reaching. On the other hand, there were -peasants so godless that if they were not thoroughly well and cruelly -fleeced, they would sneer at other folks or even their lords themselves -for their simplicity. - -Once did I see a soldier give another a sore buffet; and I conceived he -that was smitten would turn the other cheek (for as yet I had been in -no quarrel), but there was I wrong, for the insulted one drew on him, -and dealt the offender a crack of the crown. So I cried at the top of -my voice, "Ah! friend, what dost thou?" "A coward must he be," says he, -"that would not avenge himself: devil take me but I will, or I care not -to live. What! he must be a knave that would let himself be so fobbed -off." And between these two antagonists the quarrel waxed greater, for -their backers on both sides, together with the bystanders, and any man -moreover that came by chance to the spot, were presently by the ears: -and there I heard men swear by God and their own souls, so lightly, -that I could not believe they held those souls for their dearest -treasure. But all this was but child's play: for they stayed not at -such children's curses but presently 'twas so: "Thunder, lightning, -hail: strike me, tear me, devil take me," and the like, and not one -thunder or lightning but a hundred thousand, "and snatch me away into -the air." Yea, and the blessed sacraments for them must have been not -seven but a hundred thousand, and there with so many "bloodies," -"dammes," and "cursemes" that my poor hair stood on end thereat. Then -thought I of Christ's command wherein He saith, "Swear not, let your -speech be yea yea; and nay nay; for whatsoever is more is evil." - -Now all this that I saw and heard I pondered in my heart: and at the -last I firmly concluded, these bullies were no Christians at all, and -therefore I sought for other company. And worst of all it did terrify -me when I heard some such swaggerers boast of their wickedness, sin, -shame, and vice. For again and again I heard them so do, yea, day by -day; and thus they would say: "'S blood, man, but we were foxed -yesterday: three times in the day was I blind drunk and three times did -vomit all." "My stars," says another, "how did we torment the rascal -peasants!" And "Hundred thousand devils!" says a third, "what sport did -we have with the women and maids!" And so on. "I cut him down as if -lightning had struck him." "I shot him--shot him so that he shewed the -whites of his eyes!" Or again: "I rode him down so cleverly, the devil -only could fetch him off," "I put such a stone in his way that he must -needs break his neck thereover." - -Such and such-like heathen talk filled my ears every day: and more than -that, I did hear and see sins done in God's name, which are much to be -grieved for. Such wickedness was specially practised by the soldiers, -when they would say, "Now in God's name let us forth on a foray," viz., -to plunder, kidnap, shoot down, cut down, assault, capture and burn, -and all the rest of their horrible works and practices. Just as the -usurers ever invoke God with their hypocritical "In God's name": and -therewithal let their devilish avarice loose to flay and to strip -honest folk. Once did I see two rogues hanged, that would break into a -house by night to steal, and even as they had placed their ladder one -would mount it saying, "In God's name, there comes the householder": -"and in the devil's name" says he also, and therewithal threw him down: -where he broke a leg and so was captured, and a few days after strung -up together with his comrade. But I, if I saw the like, must speak out, -and out would I come with some passage of Holy Writ, or in other ways -would warn the sinner: and all men therefore held me for a fool. Yea, I -was so often laughed out of countenance in return for my good intent -that at length I took a disgust at it, and preferred altogether to keep -silence, which yet for Christian love I could not keep. I would that -all men had been reared with my hermit, believing that then many would -look on the world's ways with Simplicissimus' eyes as I then beheld -them. I had not the wit to see that if there were only Simplicissimuses -in the world then there were not so many vices to behold: meanwhile -'tis certain that a man of the world, as being accustomed to all vices -and himself partaker thereof, cannot in the least understand on what a -thorny path he and his likes do walk. - - - - -_Chap. xxvi._: A NEW AND STRANGE WAY FOR MEN TO WISH ONE ANOTHER LUCK -AND TO WELCOME ONE ANOTHER - - -Having now, as I deemed, reason to doubt whether I were among -Christians or not, I went to the pastor and told him all that I had -heard and seen, and what my thoughts were: namely, that I held these -people for mockers of Christ and His word, and no Christians at all, -with the request he would in any case help me out of my dream, that I -might know what I should count my fellow men to be. The pastor -answered: "Of a surety they be Christians, nor would I counsel thee to -call them otherwise." "O God," said I, "how can that be? for if I point -out to one or the other his sin that he committeth against God, then am -I but mocked and laughed at." "Marvel not at that," answered the -pastor; "I believe if our first pious Christians, which lived in the -time of Christ--yea, if the Apostles themselves should now rise from -the grave and come into the world, that they would put the like -question, and in the end, like thee, would be accounted of many to be -fools: yet that thou hast thus far seen and heard is but an ordinary -thing and mere child's play compared with that which elsewhere, -secretly and openly, with violence against God and man, doth happen and -is perpetrated in the world. Let not that vex thee! Thou wilt find few -Christians such as was the late Master Samuel."[6] - -Now even as we spake together, some of the opposite party which had -been taken prisoner were led across the market-place, and this broke up -our discourse, for we too must go to look on the captives. Here then I -was ware of a folly whereof I could never have dreamed, and that was a -new fashion of greeting and welcoming one another: for one of our -garrison, who also had beforetime served the emperor, knew one of the -prisoners: so he goes up to him, gives him his hand, and pressed his -for sheer joy and heartiness, and says he: "Devil take thee! art still -alive, brother? 'S blood, 'tis surely the devil that brings us together -here! Strike me blind, but I believed thou wert long since hanged." -Then answered the other: "Curse me, but is it thee or not? Devil take -thee, how camest thou here? I never thought in all my born days I -should meet thee again, but thought the devil had fetched thee long -ago." And when they parted, one says to the other (in place of "God be -wi' you"). "Gallows' luck! Gallows' luck! to-morrow will we meet again, -and be nobly drunk together." - -"Is not this a fine pious welcome?" said I to the pastor; "be not these -noble Christian wishes? Have not these men a godly intent for the -coming day? Who could know them for Christians or hearken to them -without amazement? If they so talk with one another for Christian love, -how will it fare if they do quarrel? Sir Pastor, if these be Christ's -flock, and thou their appointed shepherd, I counsel thee to lead them -in better pastures." "Yea," answered the pastor, "dear child, 'tis ever -so with these godless soldiers. God help us! If I said a word, I might -as well preach to the deaf; and should gain naught from it but the -perilous hatred of these godless fellows." - -At that I wondered, but talked yet awhile with the pastor, and went -then to wait upon the Governor; for at times had I leave to view the -town and to visit the pastor, for my lord had wind of my simplicity, -and thought such would cease if I went about seeing this and hearing -that and being taught by others or, as folks say, being broken to -harness. - - - - -_Chap. xxvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND -HOW HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND - - -Now my lord's favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the -greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister -whom the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as -good food and idleness made me sleeker. And this favour I enjoyed in -many quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me -favour also, and especially my lord's secretary was well affected to -me; and as he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my -simpleness and ignorance: he was but now fresh from the University, and -therefore was cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times -gave him the appearance of being a button short or a button too many: -often would he convince me black was white or white black; so it came -about that at first I believed him in everything and at last in -nothing. Once on a time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he -answered 'twas the best piece of furniture in his office, for out of it -he could conjure whatever he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine -raiment, and, in a word, whatsoever he possessed, all that had he -fished out of his inkhorn. Then would I not believe that out of so -small and inconsiderable a thing such noble possessions were to be had: -so he answered all this came from the Spiritus Papyri (for so did -he name his inks), and the ink-horn was for this reason named an -ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. Then I asked, how -could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a couple of fingers -in. To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit to do such -business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and handsome wife, -and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of his own and -servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have happened. At -these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folk knew such arts. - -"Surely," says he, "all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors or -advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and -numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish -diligently in it, become rich lords thereby." Then said I, "In this -wise the peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they -eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this -art." So he answered, "Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore -have no desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm -in their head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and -have the arm, but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man -will be rich thereby: and others know all and can do all that -appertains thereto, yet they dwell on the unlucky side and have no -opportunity, like me, to exercise this art properly." - -Now as we reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a truth -reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of -dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me then, I -found more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes. "And -these," said I to the secretary, "be all Adam's children and of one -stuff, and that dust and ashes? Whence cometh, then, so great a -difference;--his Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity! Be these not -properties of God alone? Here is one called 'Gracious' and another -'Worshipful.' And why must this word 'born' noble or 'well born' be -ever added? We know well that no men fall from heaven and none rise out -of the water and none grow out of the earth like cabbages." The -secretary must needs laugh at me, and took the trouble to explain to me -this and that title and all the words separately. Yet did I insist that -the titles did not do men right: for sure 'twas more credit to a man to -be called merciful than worshipful: so, too, if the word "noble" -signify in itself all incalculable virtues, why should it when placed -in the midst of the word "high-born," which applieth only to princes, -impair the dignity of the title. And as to the word "well-born," why -'twas a flat untruth: and that could any baron's mother testify; for if -one should ask her if he was well born she could say whether 'twas -"well" with her when she brought him into the world. - -And so we talked long: yet could he not convince me. But this favour of -the secretary towards me lasted not long, for by reason of my boorish -and filthy habits I presently, after his foregoing discourse, behaved -myself so foully (yet without evil intent) in his presence that he must -bid me betake myself to the pigs as to my best comrades. Yet his -disgust would have been the easier to bear had I not fallen into yet -greater disgrace; for it fared so with me as with every honest man that -cometh to court where the wicked and envious do make common cause -against him. - -For my lord had besides me a double-dyed rascal for a page, which had -already served him for two years: to him I gave my heart, for he was of -like age with myself. "And this is Jonathan," I thought, "and thou art -David." - -But he was jealous of me by reason of the great favour that my lord -shewed me, and that greater day by day: so he was concerned lest I -should step into his shoes; and therefore in secret looked upon me with -malicious and envious eyes, and sought occasion how he might put a -stumbling-block for me and by my fall prevent his own. Yet were mine -eyes as doves' eyes[7] and my intent far different from his: nay, I -confided to him all my secrets, which yet consisted in naught else than -in childish simplicity and piety. But he, innocent as I was, persuaded -me to all manner of folly, which yet I accepted for truth and honesty, -followed his counsels, and through the same (as shall not fail to be -duly treated of in its proper place) fell into grievous misfortunes. - - - - -_Chap. xxviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS GOT TWO EYES OUT OF ONE CALF'S-HEAD - - -The next day after my discourse with the secretary my master had -appointed a princely entertainment for his officers and other good -friends; for he had received the good news that his men had taken the -strong castle of Braunfels without loss of a single man: and there must -I, as at that time 'twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to -bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my -hand. The first day there was a big fat calf's-head (of which folk are -wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up. And because -this calf's-head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his -whole eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a -charming and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth -and ginger sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my -mouth did water at it. In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes, -my nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it -into my hungry belly. Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my -desires; for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that -same day I did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly -and without let or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived -it till the dish came to table and there betrayed itself and me. For -when they would carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was -wanting, my lord at once perceived what made the carver start: and he -was not a man to endure such mockery as that any should dare to say to -him he had served up a calf's-head with one eye. So the cook must -appear at table, and they that should have brought the dishes up were -with him examined: and last of all it came out that 'twas to poor -Simplicissimus the calf's-head had last been entrusted, and that with -two eyes: how it had fared thereafter no man could say. Then my lord, -as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance, asked what I had done -with the calf's eye. So I whipt my spoon out of my pouch again and gave -the calf's-head the second turn, and shewed briefly and well what they -asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like the first, in a wink. - -"Pardieu," quoth my lord, "this trick savoureth better than ten -calves." And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying -and spoke of my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a -wondrous device and a presage of future boldness and fearless and swift -resolution: so that for this time, by the repeating of the very trick -for which I had deserved punishment I not only escaped that punishment, -but from a few merry jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained -the praise of acting wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes -together, that so they might in the next world, as in this, afford help -and company to each other, to which end they were at first appointed by -nature. Yet my lord warned me to play him no more such tricks. - - - - -_Chap. xxix._: HOW A MAN STEP BY STEP MAY ATTAIN UNTO INTOXICATION AND -FINALLY UNAWARES BECOME BLIND DRUNK - - -At this banquet (and I take it it happens likewise at others) all came -to table like Christians. Grace was said very quietly, and to all -appearance very piously. And this pious silence lasted as long as they -had to deal with the soup and the first courses, as one had been at a -Quakers' meeting. But hardly had each one said "God's blessing!" three -or four times when all was already livelier. Nor can I describe how -each one's voice grew louder and louder: I could but compare the whole -company to an orator, that beginneth softly at the first and endeth -with thunder. Then dishes were served called savouries, which, being -strongly seasoned, are appointed to be eaten before the drinking begin, -that it may go the livelier, and likewise dessert, to give a flavour to -the wine, to say nothing of all manner of French pottages and Spanish -olla podridas, which by a thousand artful preparations and unnumbered -ingredients were in such wise spiced, devilled, disguised, and seasoned -(and all to further the drinking) that they, by such added ingredients -and spices, were altogether changed in their substance and different -from what Nature had made them, so that Gnaeus Manlius[8] himself, -though he had come direct from Africa and had with him the best of -cooks, yet had not recognised them. Then thought I: "Is't not like -enough that these things should disturb the senses of any man who can -take delight in them and the drink too (whereto they be specially -appointed) and change him, or even transform him, to a beast? Who knows -if even Circe used any other means but these when she did change -Ulysses his companions into swine?" For I saw how these guests at one -time devoured the food like hogs and then swilled like sows, then -carried themselves like asses, and last of all were as sick as farmers' -dogs. The noble wines of Hochheim, of Bacharach, and of Klingenberg -they tipped into their bellies in glasses as big as buckets, which -presently shewed their effects higher up, in the head. And thereupon I -saw with wonder how all changed; for here were reputable folk, which -just before were in possession of their five senses and sitting in -peace by one another, now beginning of a sudden to act the fool and to -play the silliest tricks in the world. And the great follies which they -did commit and the huge draughts which they drank to each other became -bigger as time went on, so that it seemed as if fooleries and draughts -strove with each other which of them should be accounted the greater: -but at last this contest ended in a filthy piggishness. 'Twas not -wonderful that I understood not whence their giddiness came: inasmuch -as the effect of wine, and drunkenness itself, were until now quite -unknown to me: and this left in my roguish remembrance thereafter all -manner of merry pranks and fantastic imaginings: their strange looks I -could see; but the cause of their condition I knew not. Indeed up till -then each one had emptied the pot with a good appetite: but when now -their bellies were full 'twas as hard with them as with a waggoner, -that can fare well enough with his team over level ground, yet up the -hill can scarcely toil. But though their heads were bemused, their want -of strength was made good: in one man's case by his courage, well -soaked in wine: in another the loyal desire to drink yet one health to -his friend: in a third that German chivalry which must do his neighbour -right. But even such efforts must fail in the long run. Then would one -challenge another to pour the wine in in buckets to the health of the -princes or of dear friends or of a mistress. And at this many a one's -eyes turned in his head, and the cold sweat broke out: yet still the -drinking must go on; yea, at the last they must make a noise with -drums, fifes, and stringed instruments, and shot off the ordnance, -doubtless for this cause, because the wine must take their bellies by -assault. Then did I wonder where they could be rid of it all, for I -knew not that they would turn out the same before 'twas well warm -within them (and that with great pains) out of the very place into -which they had just before poured it to the great danger of their -health. - -At this feast was also my pastor: and because he was a man like other -men, he must retire for a while. So I followed him and "Pastor," said -I, "why do these folk behave so strangely? How comes it that they do -reel this way and that? Sure it seems to me they be no longer in their -senses; for they have all eaten and drunken themselves full, and swear -devil take them if they can drink more, and yet they cease not to -swill. Be they compelled thereto, or is it in God's despite that they -of their free will waste all things so wantonly?" - -"Dear child," answered the pastor, "when the wine is in the wit is out. -This is nought compared with what is to come. To-morrow at daybreak -'twill be hardly time for them to break up; for though they have -already crammed their bellies, yet they are not yet right merry." - -So I answered, "Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so -continually? Can, then, their souls, which are God's image, abide in -such fat hog's bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and -verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God? Their precious -souls, I say, how can they so let themselves be tortured? Be not their -senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels -of unreasoning beasts?" - -"Hold thou thy tongue," answered the pastor, "or thou mayest get thee a -sound thrashing: here 'tis no time to preach, or I could do it better -than thou." So when I heard this I looked on in silence further, and -saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that the -poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished, -before our gates in the shape of many hundred expelled peasants of the -Wetterau, whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town -there was famine. - - - - -_Chap. xxx._: STILL TREATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO -BE RID OF PARSONS THEREAT - - -So this gormandising went on as before, and I must wait on them as from -the beginning of the feast. My pastor was still there, and was forced -to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but said -he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot -companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a -beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men. "For," -says he, "a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him and -quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care to -drink wine at all. But 'tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink -profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers -did." "Yes, yes," says the pastor, "but for me 'tis proper to keep due -measure." "Right," says the other, "a man of honour must keep his -word": and thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure, -and with that in his hand he reels back to the pastor. But he was gone -and left the tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket. - -So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and 'twas for -all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and -opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbour with drunkenness, to -bring him to shame, or to play him some scurvy trick: for when one of -them was so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand, -the cry was, "Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me: -now must thou drink the like"; and so on. But he that could last -longest and drink deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to -himself a fellow of no mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about, -as they had drunk henbane. 'Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see -how they did fool, and yet none wondered but I. One sang: one wept: one -laughed: another moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted -"Courage!" another could not even speak. One was quiet and peaceable: -another would drive the devil out by swaggering: one slept and was -silent, another talked so fast that none could stand up against him. -One told stories of tender love adventures, another of his dreadful -deeds in war. Some talked of church and clergy, some of the -constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the empire and of the -world. Some ran hither and thither and could not keep still: some lay -where they were and could not stir a finger, much less stand up or -walk. Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they had been a -week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had eaten -that very day. In a word, their whole carriage was comical, strange and -mad: and moreover sinful and godless. At the last there arose at the -lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung glasses, cups, -dishes, and plates at each other's heads and fought, not with fists -only, but with chairs and legs of chairs, yea, with swords and whatever -came to hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but -to that my lord presently put an end. - - - - -_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX - - -So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the -minstrels and the womenfolk, and away to another house wherein was a -great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly. But my lord -throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from -over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and -sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs -whistle to me: and that he could not. Then he would call; but naught -could he say but "Simple!" So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn -in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I -before him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do. But he -pointed to the washstand and stammered out. "Bra-bra-bring me -that, thou rogue: ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin. I mu-mu-must shoot a -fo-fo-fo-fox!" - -So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I could -come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter. Then he took me -quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin -right before his mouth. Then all must out, with grievous retchings, and -such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted -away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some -fragments spurted up into my face. And nearly did I do the same: but -when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright -and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit. For the cold -sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man's. -But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with -that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly. - -Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where I -should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a -silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my -lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and -asked what I should do with the fox. "Thou fool," says he, "go and take -it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith." So I asked where could I -find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity. "Nay," says he, "take -it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord's state of -health is." And such an April fool's journey had I surely gone, but -that the steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me -therefore take the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids -should serve it up with seasoning. And this I did in all good faith, -and was by those baggages soundly laughed at for my pains. - - - - -_Chap. xxxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE - - -Just as I was free of my basin my lord was going forth: so I followed -him to a great house, where in a room I saw gentlemen and ladies, -bachelors and maidens, twisting about so quickly that everything spun -round: with such stamping and noise that I deemed they were all gone -mad, for I could not imagine what they could intend with this rage and -fury: yea, the very sight of them was so terrible, so fearful, and so -dreadful that all my hair stood on end, and I could believe nothing but -that they were all bereft of reason. And as we came nearer I was aware -that these were our guests, which had up till noon been in their right -senses. "Good God," thought I, "what do these poor folk intend to do? -Surely madness is come upon them." Yet presently I thought these might -perchance be hellish spirits, which under this disguise did make a mock -of the whole human race by such wanton capers and monkey-tricks: for I -thought, had they human souls and God's image in them, sure they would -not act so unlike to men. - -When my lord came in and would enter the room, the tumult ceased, save -that there was such bowing and ducking with the heads and such -curtseying and scraping with the feet on the floor that methought they -would scrape out the foot-tracks they had trodden in their furious -madness. And by the sweat that ran down their faces, and by their -puffing and blowing, I could perceive they had struggled hard: yet did -their cheerful countenances declare that such labours had not vexed -them. Now was I fain to know what this mad behaviour might mean, and -therefore asked of my comrade and trusted confidant what such lunatic -doings might signify, or for what purpose this furious ramping and -stamping was intended. And he, as the real truth, told me that all -there present had agreed to stamp down the floor of the room. "For -how," says he, "canst thou otherwise suppose that they would so stamp -about? Hast thou not seen how they broke all the windows for pastime? -Even so will they break in this floor." "Good heavens!" quoth I, "then -must we also fall, and in falling break our legs and our necks in their -company?" "Yea," quoth my comrade, "'tis their purpose, and therefore -do they work so devilishly hard. And thou wilt see that when they do -find themselves in danger of death each one seizes upon a fair lady or -maiden, for 'tis said that to couples that fall holding one another in -this way no grievous harm is wont to happen." - -Now as I believed all this tale, there fell upon me such anguish and -fear of death that I knew not where I should stand, and when the -minstrels, which I had not before seen, made themselves likewise heard, -and every man ran to his lady as soldiers run to their guns or to their -ranks when they hear the drums beat the alarm, and each man took his -partner by the hand, 'twas to me even as if I saw the floor already -a-sinking, and my neck and those of many others a-breaking. But when -they began to jump so that the whole building shook (for they played -just then a lively galop), then thought I, "Now is thy life at stake." -For I thought nought else but that the whole building would suddenly -tumble in: so in my deadly fear I seized upon a lady of high nobility -and eminent virtues with whom my lord was even then conversing. Her I -caught all unawares by the arm, like a bear, and clung to her like a -burr, but when she struggled, as not knowing what foolish fancies were -in my head, I acted as one desperate, and for sheer despair began to -scream as if they would murder me. Now did the music cease of a sudden: -the dancers and their partners stopped dancing, and the honourable lady -to whose arm I still clung deemed herself grievously insulted; for she -fancied my lord had had all this done for her annoyance, who thereupon -commanded that I should be soundly whipped and then locked up -somewhere, "for," said he, "'twas not the first trick I had played on -him that day." Yet the grooms which were to carry out his orders had -sympathy with me, and spared me the whipping and locked me up in a -goose-pen under the staircase. - - - - - -BOOK II. - - - - -_Chap. i._: HOW A GOOSE AND A GANDER WERE MATED - - -S? in my goose-pen I pondered on all that I have set down in black and -white in my first part; of which, therefore, there is no need in this -place to say more. Yet can I not choose but say that even then I -doubted whether the dancers in truth were so mad to stamp the floor -down or whether I was only so led to believe. Now will I further relate -how I came again out of my goose prison. For three whole hours, namely, -till that "Praeludium Veneris" (I should have said that seemly dance) -was ended, I must perforce sit till one came softly and fumbled with -the bolt: so I listened as quiet as any mouse, and presently the fellow -that was at the door not only opened it but whipped in himself as quick -as I would fain have whipped out, and with him by the hand he led in a -lady, even as I had seen done at the dancing. I knew not what was to -happen: but because I was now accustomed to all such strange adventures -as had happened to me, poor fool, on that one day, and had made up my -mind to bear with patience and silence whatever my fate might bring me, -I crept close to the door and with fear and trembling waited for the -end. So presently there was between these two a whispering, whereof I -could understand naught save that the one party complained of the evil -air of the place, and on the other hand the second party would console -the first. - -Thereupon I heard kisses and observed strange postures, yet knew not -what this should mean, and therefore still kept still as a mouse. Yet -when a comical noise arose and the goose-pen, which was but of boards -nailed together below the staircase, began to shake and crack, and -moreover the lady seemed in trouble, I thought, surely these be two of -those mad folk which helped to stamp on the floor, and have now betaken -themselves hither to behave in like manner, and bring thee to thy -death. - -As soon as these thoughts came into my head, I seized upon the door, so -to escape death, and out I whipt with a cry of "Murder" as loud as that -which had brought me to that place. Yet had I the sense to bolt the -door behind me and make for the open house-door. - -This was now the first wedding I was ever present at in my life, and -even to that I had not been invited: on the other hand, I needed to -give no wedding-gift, though the bridegroom did mark up a heavy score -against me, which I honourably discharged. - -Gentle reader, I tell this story not that thou mayest laugh thereat, -but that my History may be complete, and my readers may take to heart -what honourable fruits are to be expected from this dancing. For this I -hold for certain, that in these dances many a bargain is struck up, -whereof the whole company hath cause thereafter to be shamed. - - - - -_Chap. ii._: CONCERNING THE MERITS AND VIRTUES OF A GOOD BATH AT THE -PROPER SEASON - - -And now, when I had luckily escaped from my goose-pen, I was then first -aware of my sad plight. In my master's quarters all was sound asleep: -so dared I not address myself to the sentry that stood before the -house: and at the Mainguard assuredly they would not entertain me: -while to abide in the streets was too cold: so I knew not whither to -betake myself. Long past midnight it was when it came into my head to -seek refuge with the pastor so often spoken of before; and this thought -I followed so far as to knock at his door: and therein was so -importunate that at last the maid, with much ill will, admitted me. But -forthwith she began to chide with me; and this her master, who had by -this time wellnigh slept off his wine, heard. So he called us both to -him as he lay in his chamber: and ordered his maid, to put me to bed: -for he could well perceive that I was numbed with the cold. Yet was I -hardly warm in my bed when day began to break and the good pastor stood -by my bedside to hear how it had gone with me and how my business had -fared, for I could not rise to go to him. So I told him all, and began -with the tricks which my comrade the page had taught me, and how ill -they had turned out. Thereafter I must tell him how the guests, after -he, the pastor, had left the table, had lost their wits and (as my -comrade had told me) determined to stamp down the floor of the house: -item into what fearful terror I thereupon fell, and in what fashion I -tried to save my life: how thereafter I was shut up in a goose-pen and -what I had noted in words and works of those two which had delivered -me, and in what manner I had locked them both up in my stead. - -"Simplicissimus," said the pastor, "thy case stands but lousily: thou -hadst a good opportunity; but I fear, I fear thou hast fooled it away. -Get thee quick out of bed and pack out of my house, lest I come with -thee under my lord's displeasure if thou be found here with me." So I -must away, with my wet clothes, and now for the first time must -understand how well he stands with all and sundry who doth but possess -his master's favour: yet how askance he is looked upon when that favour -halteth. - -Away I went to my master's lodging, wherein all were yet sound asleep -save the cook and a maid or two: these last were ordering the room -wherein the day before had been the carouse, and the first was -preparing from the remains of the feast a breakfast, or rather a -luncheon. So first I betook myself to the maids: they had to deal with -all manner of drinking-glasses and window-glass strewn up and down. In -some places all was foul with what the guests had voided both upwards -and downwards: in other places were great pools of spilt wine and beer, -so that the floor looked like a map wherein a man could trace separate -seas, islands, and continents. And in that room was the smell far worse -than in my goose-pen: and therefore I delayed not long there but betook -myself to the kitchen, and there had my clothes dried on my body before -the fire, expecting with fear and trembling what tricks fortune would -further play with me when my lord should awake. Then did I reflect upon -all the folly and senselessness of the world, and ran over in my mind -all that happened to me in the past day and night and what I had seen -and heard in that time. So when I thought thereon I did even deem the -poor and miserable life which my old hermit led a happy one, and -heartily I wished him and myself back in our old place. - - - - -_Chap. iii._: HOW THE OTHER PAGE RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR HIS TEACHING, AND -HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHOSEN TO BE A FOOL - - -When my lord rose he sent his orderly to fetch me from the goose-pen: -who brought news he had found the door open and a hole cut with a knife -behind the bolt, by which means the prisoner had escaped. But before -such report came my lord understood from others that I had for a long -time been in the kitchen. Meanwhile the servants must run hither and -thither to fetch yesterday's guests to breakfast: among whom was also -the pastor, who must appear earlier than the rest because my master -would talk with him concerning me before they went to table. He asked -him first, did he account me sane or mad, and whether I was in truth so -simple or not the rather mischievous; and told him all: how unseemly I -had carried myself all the day and evening before, which was in part -taken amiss by his guests, and so regarded as if this had been done of -malice and in their despite; item, that he had caused me to be shut up -in a goose-pen to protect himself against such tricks as I might yet -further have played him; which prison I had broken and now held my -state in the kitchen like a gentleman who need no longer wait on him: -in his lifetime no such trick had ever happened to him as I had played -him in the presence of so many honourable persons: he knew not what to -do with me save to have me soundly beaten, and, since I behaved myself -so clownishly, to send me to the devil. - -Meantime, while my master so complained of me, the guests assembled by -degrees; so when he had said his say the pastor answered, if the Lord -Governor would please to hearken to him with patience for a little -while, he would tell him this and that regarding Simplicissimus, from -which not only his innocence could be known, but also all unfavourable -thoughts removed from the minds of them that had taken a disgust at his -conduct. - -Now while they thus discoursed of me in the chamber above, that same -mad ensign whom I in mine own person had imprisoned in my place makes a -treaty with me below-stairs in the kitchen, and by threats and by a -thaler which he put in my pouch, brought me to this, that I promised -him to keep a still tongue concerning his doings. - -So the tables were set, and, as on the day before, furnished with food -and with guests. There wormwood, sage wine, elecampane, quince and -lemon drinks, with hippocras, were to clear the heads and stomachs of -the drinkers; for for one and all there was the devil to pay. Their -first talk was of themselves, and that chiefly of how brave a bout of -drinking they had had yesterday: nor was there any among them that -would truly confess he had been drunk, albeit the evening before some -had called the devil to witness they could drink no more. Some indeed -confessed that they had headaches: yet others would have it 'twas only -since men had ceased to drink themselves full in the good old mode that -such aches had come in fashion. But when they were tired both of -hearing and talking of their own follies, poor Simplicissimus must bear -the brunt. And the Governor himself reminded the pastor to tell of -those merry happenings which he had promised. - -So the pastor begged first that none should take offence inasmuch as he -must use words which might be accounted unbefitting his holy office. -Then he went on to tell how sorely I was plagued by nature, how I had -caused great disgust thereby to the secretary in his office, and how I -had learned, together with the art of prophecy, also certain -enchantments[9] against such mishaps, and how ill such arts had turned -out when they were tried; item, how the dancing had seemed so strange -to me, because I had never seen the like before, what an explication -thereof I had heard from my comrade, and for what reason I had seized -upon the noble lady, and thereupon had found my way into the goose-pen. -All this he enounced with such a civil and discreet way of speaking -that they were fit to split with laughing, and so completely forgave my -simplicity and ignorance that I was restored to my master's favour and -was allowed to wait at table again. But of what had happened to me in -the goose-pen and how I was delivered therefrom would he say nought, -for it seemed to him some old antediluvian images might have taken -offence at him, which believe that pastors should always look sour. -Then again my master, to make sport for his guests, asked me what had I -given to my comrade that had taught me those pretty tricks: so I said, -"Nothing at all." Then says he, "I will pay him the school fees for -thee." So he had him clapt in a winnowing basket and there soundly -trounced: even as I had been dealt with the day before, when I tried -those magical arts and found them false. - -So now my master had proof enough of my simplicity, and would fain give -me the more occasion to make sport for him and his guests: he saw well -that all the minstrels availed nothing so long as the company had me to -make sport for them, for to every one it seemed that I, with my foolish -fancies, was better than a dozen lutes. So he asked me why I had cut a -hole in the door of the goose-pen. I answered, "Another may have done -it." "Who then?" says he. "Why," says I, "he that came to me." "And who -came to thee?" quoth he. "Nay," says I, "that may I tell no man." Now -my master was a man of a quick wit, and he saw well how one must go -about with me: so he turns him about and of a sudden he asks me who it -was that had forbidden me, and I of a sudden answered, "The mad -ensign." - -Then, when I perceived by the laughter of all that I had mightily -committed myself, and the mad ensign who sat at table also grew red as -a hot coal, I would say no more till by him it should be allowed. Yet -this was but a matter of a nod, which served my master instead of a -command, to the ensign, and forthwith I might tell all I knew. And -thereupon my master questioned me what the mad ensign had had to do -with me in the goose-pen. "Oh," says I, "he brought a young lady to me -there." - -And thereupon there arose among all that were present such laughter -that my master could hear me no longer, let alone ask me more -questions; and 'twas not needful, for if he had, that honourable young -maiden (forsooth) might have been put to shame. - -Thereafter the Controller of the Household told all at table how a -little before I had come home from the ramparts and had said I knew now -where the thunder and lightning came from: for I had seen great beams -on half-waggons, which were all hollow inside: into these, men rammed -in onion-seed with an iron turnip with the tail off, and then tickled -the beams behind with a spit, whereupon there was driven out in front -smoke and thunder and hell-fire. Then they told many more such stories -of me, so that for the whole of that breakfast-time there was no other -employ but to talk of me and laugh at me. And this was the cause of a -general conclusion, to my destruction; which was that I should be -soundly befooled. For with such treatment I should in time prove a rare -jester, by whose means one could do honour to the greatest princes in -the world and cause laughter to a dying man. - - - - -_Chap. iv._: CONCERNING THE MAN THAT PAYS THE MONEY, AND OF THE -MILITARY SERVICE THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS DID FOR THE CROWN OF SWEDEN: -THROUGH WHICH SERVICE HE GOT THE NAME OF SIMPLICISSIMUS - - -But now, as they began to carouse and to make merry as they had done -the day before, the watch brings news, together with the delivery of -letters to the Governor, of a commissary that was at the gate, which -same was appointed by the war council of the Crown of Sweden to review -the garrison and survey the fortress. Such news spoiled all jesting, -and all jollity died away like the bellows of a bagpipe when the wind -is gone out. The minstrels and the guests dispersed themselves even as -tobacco-smoke, which leaves but a smell behind it: while my lord, with -the adjutant who kept the keys, betook himself, together with a -detachment from the Mainguard and many torches, to the very gates, -himself to give admittance to the Blackguts, as he called him: he -wished, he said, the devil had broke his neck in a thousand pieces ere -ever he came to the city. Yet so soon as he had let him in and welcomed -him upon the inner drawbridge it wanted but a little, or nothing at -all, but he would hold his stirrup for him to shew his devotion; yea, -the courtesy to all outward shew was between the two so great that the -Commissary must dismount and walk on foot with my lord even to his -lodging; and as they walked each would have the left-hand place. - -Then thought I, "Oh, what a wondrous spirit of falsehood doth govern -all mankind, and so doth make one a fool through another's help." - -So we drew near to the Mainguard, and the sentinel must call "Who goes -there?" though well he knew it was my lord: who would not answer but -would leave the honour to that other: yet when the sentinel grew more -impatient and repeated his challenge, the Commissary answered to the -last "Who goes there?" "The man who pays the money." - -Now as we passed the sentry-box, and I came last of all, I heard the -before-mentioned sentry, which was a new recruit, and before that by -profession a well-to-do young farmer on the Vogelsberg, thus murmur to -himself: "Yea, and a lying customer thou art: a man, forsooth, that -pays the money? a skin-the-flint that takes the money, that art thou. -So much money hast thou wrung from me that I would to God thou wert -struck dead before thou shouldst leave this town." - -So from that hour I conceived this belief that this foreign lord with -the silk doublet must be a holy man: for not only did no curse harm -him, but also even they that hated him shewed him all honour and love -and kindness: and that night was he princely entreated and made blind -drunk, and thereafter put to bed in a noble bedplace. - -Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes and -sevens. And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat -that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may -well know they do choose no simple babes). Which same deceit I learned -in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five -with the right hand and four with the left on a drum. For yet I was too -little to represent a musqueteer. So they furnished me forth to that -end with borrowed clothes (for my short page's breeches were in no wise -military to look upon) and with a borrowed drum: without doubt for this -reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came -happily through the inspection. Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one -trust my simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name, -hearing which I should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so -must I keep the name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor -himself added that of Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the -muster-roll. And so he made me like a bastard, the first of my family; -and that although, after his own shewing, I looked so like his own -sister. So ever thereafter I bore this name and surname, until I knew -my right name: and under that name I played my part pretty well to the -profit of the Governor and small danger to the Crown of Sweden. And -this is all the service that ever I rendered to the crown of Sweden in -all my life: and the enemies of that crown can at least not lay more -than this to my charge. - - - - -_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS BY FOUR DEVILS BROUGHT INTO HELL AND -THERE TREATED WITH SPANISH WINE - - -Now when the Commissary had gone the abovementioned pastor bade me come -secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, "O Simplicissimus: -for thy youth I am sorry, and thy future misery moveth me to sympathy. -Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined -to deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and -to that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for -thee. So to-morrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art -to unlearn thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so -grievously torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be -used against it, without doubt thou wilt become a madman. Now, because -such is a wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because -I, for thy hermit's piety's sake and for thine own innocence' sake, -desire to serve thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with -counsel and all necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble, -therefore follow thou now my teaching and take this powder, which will -in such wise strengthen thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to -thine understanding, mayst endure all things most easily. Here likewise -hast thou an ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy -spine and the nape of thy neck, and also thy nostrils; and both these -things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at -no time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but -look thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I -impart to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee. And when they -shall have thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor -believe not all of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so -carry thyself as if thou believest all. Say but little, lest thine -attendants mark in thy conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then -will they change the fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know -not in what manner they will go about to deal with thee. But when thou -shalt be clad in thy plumes and thy fool's coat, then come again to me -that I may further serve thee with counsel. And meanwhile will I pray -God for thee, that He may protect thine understanding and thy health of -body." - -With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook -myself home. - -Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened. In my first sleep -came four rogues disguised with frightful devils' masks into my room -and to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks and -twelfth-night fools. There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch -in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed -and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my -clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and -natural devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and shewed all -the effects of the greatest terror. So they told me I must go with -them: and with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could -neither see, hear nor cry out. Then they led me by many winding ways up -and down many stairs, and at last into a cellar wherein was a great -fire burning, and when they had unbound the napkin then they began to -drink to me in Spanish wine and malmsey. And fain would they persuade -me I was dead, and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was -careful to keep such a carriage as if I believed all that they -pretended. - -Then said they, "Drink lustily; for thou must for ever abide with us: -but if thou wilt not be a good fellow and take thy part, thou must -forthwith into this fire that thou seest." - -These poor devils would have disguised their speech and voice: yet I -marked at once they were my lord's grooms: yet I let them not perceive -this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that would make me a fool must -themselves be my fools. So I drank my share of the Spanish wine; but -they drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar cometh rarely to such -customers; insomuch that I could swear they would be drunk sooner than -I. But when it seemed to me to be the right time I so behaved myself -with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my master's guests lately -do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep; but no: they began to -chase me all round the cellar and prick me with their prong, which all -the time they had left to lie in the fire, till it seemed as if they -themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more or at least not -go to sleep. And whenever, being thus baited, I fell down (and this I -often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made as if they -would cast me into the fire. So was it with me as with a hawk that is -kept from sleep[10]: and this was my great torment. 'Tis true I could -have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but they -stayed not all the time altogether, but relieved one another's watch; -and so at last must I have failed. Three days and two nights did I -spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the -fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if 'twould -burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to rid me at once of -my torment and of my tormentors. And this did I even as does the fox -when he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could -no longer endure to be near me. So to punish me they laid me in a sheet -and trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well -have come out, soul and all. And what they did further with me I know -not, so gone was I from my senses. - - - - -_Chap. vi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A -CALF - - -Now when I came to myself I found myself no longer in the gloomy cellar -with the devils, but in a fine room under the charge of three of the -foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them at first, when -I opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then -read the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be the Furies, -or at least have taken one for Tisiphone come from hell to rob me, like -Athamas, of my wits (for well I knew I was there to be turned into a -fool). For she had a pair of eyes like two will-o'-the-wisps, and -between the same a long, thin hawk's nose whose end or point reached at -least to her lower lip: and two teeth only could I see in her mouth, -and those so perfect, long, round, and thick that each might for its -form be likened to a ring-finger, and for its colour to the gold ring -itself. In a word, there was enough to make up a mouthful of teeth, yet -ill distributed. Her face was like Spanish leather, and her grey hair -hung in a strange confusion about her head, for they had but just -fetched her from her bed. In truth it was a fearsome sight, which could -serve for nought else but as an excellent remedy against the -unreasonable lust of a salacious goat. The other two were no whit -handsomer, save that they had blunt apes' noses and had put on their -clothes somewhat more orderly. So when I had a little recovered myself, -I perceived that the one was our dish-washer and the other two wives of -two grooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth I was -in no condition for dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames -stripped me stark naked and cleansed me from all filth like a young -child; yea, while the work was a-doing they shewed me great patience -and much compassion, insomuch that I nearly revealed to them how it -truly stood with me: yet I thought, "Nay, Simplicissimus, trust thou in -no old women; but consider thou hast victory enough if thou in thy -youth canst deceive three such crafty old hags, with whose help one -could catch the devil in the open field: from such beginnings thou -mayst hope in thine old age to do yet greater things." - -So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein I -fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and -other things wherewith they had washed me away with them, and my -clothes likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one -stretch twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads -with wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white -shirts, taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and -the like dazzling trinkets. One had a gilded trencher full of cakes, -shortbread, marchpane, and other confectionery; but the other a gilded -flagon in his hand. These two angels (for such they gave themselves out -to be) sought to persuade me I was now in heaven, for that I had -happily endured purgatory and had escaped from the devil and his dam: -so need I only ask what my heart desired, for all that I could wish was -at hand or, if not, they could presently fetch it. Now I was tormented -by thirst, and as I saw the beaker before me I desired only drink, -which was willingly handed to me. Yet was it no wine but a gentle -sleeping-draught which I drank at one pull, and with that again fell -asleep so soon as it grew warm within me. - -The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet -found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine -old goose-pen. There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar, -and besides that I had on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough -side was turned outwards: the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian -fashion and the doublet too shaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on -my neck was a headpiece like a monk's cowl; this was drawn down over my -head and ornamented with a fine pair of great asses' ears. Then must I -perforce laugh at mine own plight; for well I saw by the nest and the -feathers what manner of bird I was to be. And at that time I first -began to reason with myself and to reflect what I had best do. So this -I determined: to play the fool to the uttermost, as I might have the -chance now and again, and meanwhile to wait with patience how my fate -would shape itself. - - - - -_Chap. vii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A -BRUTE BEAST - - -Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign -had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a -fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath -not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present -myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long -before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me; -for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who -was in there. So I answered: "Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in -here." And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and -wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became -them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited -comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought -often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel -what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the -Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak -than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did, -and I answered, "Sorrily enough." So they asked why, and I said, "For -this reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves in -goose-pens. Ye rogues must know that a proper ox will in due time come -of me; and so must I be brought up as becometh an honourable steer." - -So after this brief discourse they had me with them across the street -to the Governor's quarters: a great crowd of boys following us, and -inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, the very -blind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calves was -being driven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a pack -of young fools and old. - -Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the -world as if they had taken me as plunder: them he rewarded with a -gratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have -about him. So I thought of the Goldsmith's[11] apprentice and answered -thus: "Good, my lord, but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we -calves can endure no such treatment if we are to grow and to turn into -fine heads of cattle." The Governor promised me better things, and -thought himself a clever fellow to have made so presentable a fool out -of me. "But no," thought I, "wait thou, my dear master; I have endured -the trial by fire and therein have I been hardened: now will we try -which of us two can best trick the other." - -Now just then a peasant that had fled into the city was driving his -cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran -to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but -they, when I came to them, were more terrified at me than a wolf, -albeit I wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and -scattered so quickly from one another as if a hornet's nest had been -let loose among them in August, so that their master could not again -bring them together at the same place: which occasioned pretty sport. -And in a wink a crowd of folk ran together to see this fool's jape, and -as my lord laughed till he was fit to burst, at last he said, "Truly -one fool maketh a hundred more." - -But I thought to myself, "Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine -own self." - -And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my -part had a scoffing nickname for every one: which same, according to -the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily; -for I christened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did -count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their -wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each -one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men -the cleverest. - -The said jest which I played with the peasant's cattle made a short -forenoon still shorter; for 'twas then about the winter solstice. At -dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint -tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man's -food or drink: for I said roundly I would have only grass, which at -that time 'twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of -calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulled over the heads -of two little boys: and these he set by me at table, and for a first -course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fall to -lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with -salt to eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this, -but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better. - -"Of a certainty," said they, when they saw me so unmoved, "'tis no new -thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese, and butter; yea, and at -times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays the beasts do know what -is good. Ay, and 'tis nowadays come to that, that but little difference -is to be found between them and mankind. Wilt thou not play thy part -therein?" And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was -hungry, and not because I had before seen with mine own eyes how men -could be more swinish than pigs, more savage than lions, more lustful -than goats, more envious than dogs, more unruly than horses, more -stupid than asses, more mad for drink than the brutes, craftier than -foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonous than -asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men's food, and only by their -shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in respect of -innocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I ate my -fill with my fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a -stranger had unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without -doubt he had imagined that Circe of old had risen up again to turn men -into beasts; which art my master then knew and practised. And as I took -my dinner, so was I treated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests -or parasites fed with me, so must they with me to bed, though my lord -would not permit that I should pass the night in the cow-byre. Now all -this I did to befool them that would have held me for a fool, and this -sure conclusion did I make, that the most gracious God doth lend and -impart to every man in his station to which He hath called him, so much -wit as he hath need of there to maintain himself: yea, and moreover, -that many do vainly imagine, doctors though they be or not, that they -alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade, whereas there be -as many good fish[12] in the sea yet. - - - - -_Chap. viii._: DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE -FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS - - -Now when I awaked next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up and -away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away -the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him -I told all that had happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell. So -when he saw that it vexed my conscience that I should deceive so many -folk, and specially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, "why, -upon that point," says he, "thou needest not to trouble thyself: this -foolish world will be befooled; and if they have left thee thy wits, so -use thou those same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine to thyself -as if thou, like to the Ph[oe]nix, hast been newly born from folly to -understanding through fire, and so to a new human life. Yet know thou -withal thou art not yet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason -hast slipped into this fool's cap. Yea, and these times be so out of -joint that none can know whether thou yet escape without loss of thy -life. For a man can run quickly into hell, but to get out again doth -need a deal of puffing and blowing: and thou art not yet--no, not by a -long way--man enough to escape the danger that lies before thee, as -well thou mightest suppose. So wilt thou have need of more foresight -and wit than in those days when thou knewest not what reason or -unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turn of the tide." - -Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and -that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I -fancied myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit -and art slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face, -that he was sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed -what part had he in me? With that I changed my discourse also, and -busied myself to give him great thanks for the excellent remedies which -he had imparted to me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made -him impossible promises to repay him all that my debt to him demanded. -Now this tickled him and brought him again to a different humour, -wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had -invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis had perfected, and that not -without great pains, whereby he could teach men at the repeating of a -single word to recount all that they had ever heard or read, and such a -thing, said he, "were not possible without medicines to strengthen the -head such as he had ministered to me." - -"Yea," thought I, "my good master parson: yet have I read in thine own -books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a different tale of that wherein -the Skepsian's mnemonic did consist." - -Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth, -'twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became -keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and -told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30,000 soldiers by his -right name; how Lucius Scipio could do the like with every citizen of -Rome; and how Cineas, Pyrrhus's ambassador, on the very day after he -came to Rome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators, -and nobles. Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm -men speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister -judgment in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately. So, -too, the learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know -out of all the books in a whole library if he had but read them once -through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000 names in order if they were once -recited before him and, as Ravisius tells, could repeat 200 verses -spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to the first. So Esdras knew -the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictate the same word by -word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year did learn the Persian -Speech, and Crassus, in Asia, could talk the five separate dialects of -the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects. -Julius Cæsar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences. -The holy Jerome knew both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median, -Arabic and Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by -heart only from hearing it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican -that he could hear 6000 men's names recited and thereafter repeat them -in proper order. - -"And all this I tell thee," said he further, "that thou mayest not hold -it for an impossible thing that a man's memory should be excellently -strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the other hand, be in -many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed. For in man there is -no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason of sickness, -terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it either vanisheth away or loseth -a great part of its virtue. So do we read of a learned man at Athens -that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot all he had ever -learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason of sickness, -came to this, that he forgot his own servant's name: and Messala -Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory. -And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot -how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a -year's time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place -and the same time, could again write and read. So if a man eat bear's -brains, 'tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as -if he himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a -Spanish nobleman who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and -could believe nought else but that he was a bear. My good -Simplicissimus, had thy master but known this art, thou mightest well -have been changed into a bear like Callisto, rather than into a bull -like Jupiter." - -The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his -medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come. -So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one -hundred boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like -calves: insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the window, -and when he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh -heartily thereat. - - - - -_Chap. ix._: CROOKED PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY - - -Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the -parlour, for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to -see and to hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like -a dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took -occasion to say she had been told this calf could speak, but now she -did plainly perceive 'twas not true. Whereto I made answer I had also -heard apes could not speak, but now could plainly hear 'twas not so. - -"What;" says my lord, "opinest thou, then, that these ladies be apes?" - -So I answered, "Be they not so already, yet they soon will be: for who -knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expected to become -a calf; and yet am I that same." - -Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should -become apes: so I answered him, "Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts -naked, but these ladies do so carry their bosom: which other maidens be -wont to cover." - -"Ah, rogue," saith my lord, "thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou -art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what 'tis -worth men's while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for -sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein -thou hast offended: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt thee to -thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how -to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is -becoming." - -So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again from foot to -head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would take her -to wife: and at last, "Sir," said I, "I see clearly where the fault -lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. The villain hath left -those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast, below in the -skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botcher should have -his hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this." And "Lady," -quoth I to her, "be rid of him, or he will shame you; and have a care -that you do deal with my dad's tailor, which same was hight Master -Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns for my mammy, our Ann, -and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never -drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believe what fine -clothes he would make for the hussies." - -So says my lord, "Were now thy father's Ann and thy father's Ursula -handsomer than these ladies;" - -"Nay," said I, "my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair -as yellow as sulphur, and the parting of her hair so white and smooth -as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom; yea, and her hair so -sweetly done up in rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yea, and as -if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a -dozen of sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! is -it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man's skull -that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 'Tis pity indeed -that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see -this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady -had the king's evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour; and -this were surely pity: for look upon those sparkling eyes: they shine -as black as did the soot on my dad's chimney; for that did use to shine -so terribly when our Ann stood there before it with a wisp of straw to -warm the room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a -blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters -with which the Swabian waggoners at Ulm did truss up their breeches. -Yet the bright red which she hath on her lips doth far surpass the -colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (I pray my masters -give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rows of teeth, so -orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut out of a white -turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any one should feel -pain if thou shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, her neck is as white -as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of like colour. And -oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they be so slender, so -long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the world like a -gipsy's fingers, ready to thrust into any man's pockets and there go -a-fishing." - -With that there arose such a laughter that none could hear me, nor I -talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mocked by -others so long as I would, and no longer. - - - - -_Chap. x._: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS - - -Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service: -for now had I made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise -all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well -fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his -vices, and if there were any that shewed displeasure, then was he -laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would -demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As -to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at -once. Yet the first who (at my lord's nod) did answer me reasonably was -the secretary; for when I called him a "title-forger" and asked what -title, then, had our first father Adam, "Thou talkest," answered he, -"like an unreasoning calf: for thou knowest not how after our first -parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such -as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in -such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were -exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods: -and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the -histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between -men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but -since thou art but a calf, and so neither worthy nor capable of human -honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to -the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice." - -So I answered: "I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read -pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not -this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak -otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and -what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give -nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of -these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes -and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them? -And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do -descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a -stockfish and thy mother a plaice." - -"Oho!" answered the secretary, "if the matter is to be settled by our -reviling of each other, then can I cast in thy teeth thy father was but -a clownish peasant of the Spessart, and though in thy home and in thy -family there be many famous blockheads, yet thou hast made thyself yet -lower, seeing that thou art become an unreasoning calf." - -So I answered: "Thou art right; 'tis even that that that I would -maintain; namely, that the virtues of the parents descend not always to -the children, and that therefore the children be not always worthy of -their parent's titles of honour. For me it is no shame to have become a -calf, seeing that in such case I have the honour to follow the great -king Nebuchadnezzar. Who knoweth whether it may not please God that I, -like him, may again become a man, yea, and a far greater one than my -dad? Yet do I praise those only that by their own virtues do make -themselves nobles." - -"Let it be so for the sake of argument," said the secretary, "that the -children should not always inherit the titles of their parents, yet -thou must acknowledge that they are worthy of all praise which do earn -their nobility by a good conduct: and if that be so, it followeth that -we do rightly honour the children for the parents' sake, since the -apple falleth not far from the tree. And who would not honour in the -descendants of Alexander the Great, if such there were to hand, their -ancient forefather's high courage in the wars. For this man shewed in -his youth his desire for fighting, in that he wept (though not yet able -to bear arms) grieving lest his father might conquer all and leave him -nothing to subdue. Did not he before the thirtieth year of his age -overcome all the world and wish for another to conquer? Did not he in a -battle against the Indians, when he was deserted by his men, for sheer -rage sweat blood? And was he not so terrible to look upon (as though he -were all begirt with flames of fire) that even the savages must flee -before him in battle? Who would not esteem him higher and nobler than -other men, of whom Quintus Curtius tells that his breath was like -perfume and his sweat like musk and that his dead body smelt of -precious spiceries? Here could I cite the case of Julius Cæsar and -Pompeius, of whom the one, besides the victories which he won in the -civil wars, did fifty times engage in pitched battles, and defeated and -slew 1,520,000 men: while the other, besides the taking of 940 ships -from the pirates, did from the Alps to the uttermost parts of Spain -capture and subdue 376 cities and towns. Lucius Siccius, the Roman -people's tribune, was engaged in 120 pitched battles, and did eight -times conquer them that challenged him: he could shew forty-five scars -on his body, and those all in front and none behind: with nine -generals-in-chief did he enter Rome in their triumphs, which they did -clearly earn by their courage. Yea, and Manlius Capitolinus's honour in -war were no less had he not at the end of his life himself abased his -fame: for he too could shew thirty-three scars, without counting that -he once did alone save the capitol with all its treasures from the -French. What of Hercules the Strong and Theseus and the rest, whose -undying praise it is well-nigh impossible both to describe and to tell -of? Should not these be honoured in their descendants? But I will pass -over war and weapons and turn to the arts, which, though they seem to -make less noise in the world, yet do achieve great fame for the masters -of them. What skill do we find in Zeuxis, which by his ingenious brain -and skilful hand did deceive the very birds of the air; and likewise in -Apelles, who did paint a Venus so natural, so fine, so exquisite, and -in all features so nice and so delicate that all bachelors did fall in -love with her! Doth not Plutarch tell us how Archimedes did draw with -one hand and by a single rope through the midst of the marketplace at -Syracuse a great ship laden with merchants' ware as if he had but led a -packhorse by the bridle? which thing not twenty oxen, to say nothing of -two hundred calves like thee, could have effected. And should not this -honest craftsman be endowed with a title of honour fitted to his art? -This Archimedes made a mirror wherewith he could set on fire an enemy's -warship in mid-sea. And who would not praise him which first did invent -letters? Yea, who would not exalt him far above all artists who devised -the noble and, for all the world, useful art of printing? If Ceres was -accounted a goddess because she is said to have invented agriculture -and the grinding of corn, why were it not fair that others should have -their praise with titles of honour allowed them? Yet in truth it -mattereth little whether thou, thou stupid calf, canst take such things -into thy unreasoning bullock's brain or not. For 'tis with thee as with -the dog which lay in the manger and would not let the ox eat of the -hay, yet could not enjoy the same himself: thou art capable of no -honour, and for that very cause thou grudgest such to those that do -deserve it." - -With all this I found myself sorely bestead, yet made answer: "These -mighty deeds were indeed highly to be praised were they not -accomplished with the destruction and damage of other men. But what -manner of praise is this which is stained with the bloodshed of so many -innocents; and what manner of nobility that which is achieved and won -by the ruin of so many thousand other folk! And as concerns the arts, -what be they save merely vanities and follies! Yea, they be as vain, -idle, and unprofitable as the title of honour which might come to any -man from these craftsmen; for they do but serve the greed, or the lust, -or the luxury, or the corruption of others, like to those vile guns -which lately I beheld on their half-waggons. Yea, and well could we -spare both printing and writing, according to the sentence and opinion -of that holy man who held that the whole wide world was book enough for -him, wherein to study the wonders of his Creator and thereupon to -recognise the almighty power of God." - - - - -_Chap. xi._: OF THE TOILSOME AND DANGEROUS OFFICE OF A GOVERNOR - - -Then my lord would also have his jest with me, and said: "I do well -perceive that because thou trustest not thyself to be of gentle birth, -therefore thou despisest the honourable titles of gentility." "Sir," -answered I, "if I could at this very hour enter upon your place of -honour, yet would I not take it." - -My lord laughed and said; "That I believe, for for the ox his oaten -straw is well enough: but an thou hadst a high spirit such as hearts of -gentles should have, then wouldst thou with zeal aspire to high honours -and dignities. I for my part count it no small thing that fortune -raises me above my fellows." - -Then did I sigh, and "O toilsome felicity!" said I. "Sir, I assure you, -ye are the most miserable man in Hanau." - -"How so; how so, calf?" said my lord. "Give me thy reasons, for such I -find not in myself." - -So I answered, "If you know not and feel not that you are Governor in -Hanau, and with how many cares and uneasiness in that account burdened, -then either the devouring thirst of honour blinds you or else are you -of iron and quite insensible; ye have, 'tis true, the right to command, -and whosoever comes within your ken the same must obey you. But do they -serve ye for naught? Are ye not all men's servant? Must ye not -specially take care for each and all? See, ye are girded round with -foes, and the safeguarding of this stronghold depends on you alone. -Ever must ye be devising how to do some damage to your opposites: and -therein must ever be on your guard that your plans be not spied upon. -Must ye not often stand on guard like a common sentinel? Besides, ye -must ever be concerned that there be no failure in money, ammunition, -food and folk, and for that reason be ever holding the whole land to -contribution by continual exactions and extortions. Send ye your men -out to such an end, then is robbery, plunder, stealing, burning, and -murder their highest task. Even now of late they have plundered Orb, -captured Braunfels, and laid Staden in ashes. Thence 'tis true they -brought back booty, but ye have laid on them a grievous responsibility -before God. I grant this, that those enjoyments which accompany thine -honour do please thee well; but knowest thou who will enjoy such -treasures as doubtless thou gatherest? And granted that such riches -remain thine (whereof a man may doubt), yet must thou leave them in -this world and takest nothing with thee but the sin whereby thou hast -gained them. And even if thou hast the good luck to enjoy thy booty, -yet thou dost but spend the sweat and blood of the poor, who do now in -misery suffer want or even perish and die of hunger. How often do I see -that thy thoughts, by reason of the cares of thine office, are -distracted hither and thither, while I and other calves do sleep in -peace without any care, and if thou dost not so, it shall cost thee thy -head if aught be overlooked that should have been provided for the -preservation of thy subject people and this fortress. Look you, I am -raised above such cares! and so, knowing that I do owe the debt of -death to nature, I fear not lest an enemy should storm my stall or lest -I should have with pains to fight for life. If I die young, so am I -delivered from the toilsome life of a yoke-ox. But for thee men lay -snares in a thousand fashions: and therefore is thy life naught but a -continual care and sleeplessness; for thou must fear both friend and -foe, which be ever devising to cheat thee of thy life or thy money, or -thy reputation or thy command, or somewhat else whatever it be; even as -thou thinkest to do by others. The enemy doth attack thee openly: and -thy supposed friends do secretly envy thee thy good luck, and even as -regards thy subjects art thou in no manner of safety. - -"I say naught of this, that daily thy burning desires do torment thee -and drive thee hither and thither, whilst thou plannest to gain for -thyself still greater name and fame, to rise higher in rank, to gather -greater riches, to play the enemy a trick, to surprise this or that -place; in a word, to do wellnigh everything that may vex others and -prove harmful to thine own soul and grievous to God's majesty. Yea, and -the worst is this, that thou art so spoiled by thy flatterers that thou -knowest not thyself, but art by them so captivated and drugged that -thou canst not see the dangerous way thou goest; for all that thou -doest they say is right and all thy vices are by them turned into -virtues and so proclaimed; thy cruelty is to them stern justice: and -when thou plunderest land and folk, thou art a brave soldier, say they, -and do urge thee on to others' harm, that they may keep in thy favour -and fill their purses too." - -"Thou malingerer," said my lord, "who taught thee so to preach?" - -"Good my lord," answered I, "say I not truly that thou art so spoiled -by thine ear-wiggers and sycophants that already thou art past help? -Whereas contrariwise other folk do soon detect thy faults and condemn -thee not only in high and mighty matters, but find enough to blame in -thee in small things which are of little account. And of this hast thou -not examples enough in the case of great men of old time? So the -Lacedaemonians railed at their own Lycurgus for walking with his head -bowed: the Romans deemed it a foul fault in Scipio that he snored so -loud in his sleep: it seemed to them an ugly fault in Pompey that he -did scratch himself but with one finger: at Cæsar they mocked for -wearing his girdle awry; and the good Cato was slandered for eating too -greedily with both jaws at once; yea, the Carthaginians spoke evil of -Hannibal for going with his breast bare and uncovered. How think ye -now, my dear master? Think ye I would change places with one that, -besides twelve or thirteen boon companions, flatterers and parasites, -hath more than one hundred, yea, 'tis like enough more than ten -thousand, both open and secret foes, slanderers, and malicious enviers? -Besides, what happiness, what pleasure, and what joy can such a head -have under whose care, protection, and guard so many men do live? Is't -not a duty laid upon thee to watch for all thy folk, to care for them, -and listen to each one's complaints and grievances? Were that not of -itself troublesome enough even though thou hadst neither foes nor -secret enemies? I can see well enough how hard 'tis for thee and yet -how many grievances thou must endure. And, good my lord, what in the -end will be thy reward? Tell me what hast thou for it all? If thou -canst not say, then suffer the Grecian Demosthenes to tell thee, who -after he had bravely and loyally furthered and defended the common weal -and rights of the Athenians, was, contrary to all law and justice, -banished the land and driven into miserable exile as an evil-doer. So -Socrates was requited with poison, and Hannibal so ill rewarded by his -countrymen that he must wander in the world as a poor wretched outlaw; -yea, the Greeks repaid Lycurgus in such fashion that he was stoned and -had an eye beaten out. Do thou, therefore, keep thy high office to -thyself, with the reward thou wilt have from it: seek not to share it -with me; for even if all go well with thee, yet hast thou naught to -carry home with thee but an ill conscience. And if thou art minded to -obey that conscience, then wilt thou be quickly deposed from thy -commands as incapable, for all the world as if thou too wert become a -stupid calf." - -While I thus spake, the rest of the company looked hard upon me and -wondered much that I should be able to hold such discourse, which, as -they openly confessed, would have taxed the wits of a man of sense if -he had been forced so to speak without preparation. - - - - -_Chap. xii._: OF THE SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE OF CERTAIN UNREASONING ANIMALS - -So I ended my discourse thus: "Therefore," said I, "my excellent -master, will I not change with thee: for indeed I have no call to do so -since the brook affords me a healthy drink instead of thy costly wines; -and He who allowed me to be turned into a calf will also in such wise -know how to bless the fruits of the earth to my use, that they be to me -as to Nebuchadnezzar, no unfitting provision for food and sustenance: -even so hath nature provided me with a good coat of fur; while as for -thee, often thou loathest thy meat, thy wine splitteth thy head, and -soon will bring thee into one sickness or another." - -Then my lord answered: "I know not what I have in thee; meseemeth thou -art for a calf far too wise: nay, I do surmise thou hast under that -calf-skin clad thyself with a rogue-skin." - -With that I made as if I were angry, and said: "Do ye men think, then, -that we beasts be all fools? That may ye not imagine. I do maintain -that if older beasts could speak as well as I, that they would tell you -a very different story. If ye deem we are so stupid, then tell me who -hath taught the wild wood-pigeons, the jays, the blackbirds, and -the partridges to purge themselves with laurel-leaves, and doves, -turtle-doves, and fowls with dandelions. Who teacheth cat and dog to -eat the dewy grass when they desire to purge a full belly? Who hath -taught the tortoise to heal a bite with hemlock or the stag when he is -shot to have recourse to the dictamnus or calamint? Who taught the -weasel to use the rue when she will fight with bat or snake? Who maketh -the wild boar to know the ivy and the bear the mandrake, and saith to -them it is their medicine? Who giveth the swallow to understand that -she should heal her fledglings' dim eyes with chelidonium? Who did -instruct the snake to eat of fennel when she will cast her slough and -heal her darkened eyes? Who teacheth the stork to purge himself, the -pelican to let himself blood and the bear to get himself scarified by -bees? Nay, I might almost say, ye men have learned your arts and -sciences from us beasts. Ye eat and drink yourselves to death, and that -we beasts do never do. Lion or wolf, when he is by way of growing too -fat, then he fasteth till again he is thin, active, and healthy. And -which party dealeth most wisely herein? Yea, above and beyond all this, -consider the fowls of the air; regard the various architecture of their -cunning nests, and inasmuch as all your labours can never imitate them, -therefore ye must acknowledge they be both wiser and more ingenious -than ye men yourselves. Who telleth to our summer birds when they -should come to us for the spring and hatch their young, or for the -autumn, when they should again betake themselves from us to warmer -climes? Who teacheth them they must choose a gathering-place to that -end? Who leadeth them or sheweth them the way? Do ye men lend them, -perchance, a compass that they fall not out by the way? Nay, my good -friends, they do know the way without your help, and how long they must -spend therein, and when they must depart from this place and the other, -and therefore have no need of your compass nor your almanack. Further, -behold the industrious spider, whose web is wellnigh a miracle: look if -you find a singly knot in all her weaving. What hunter or fisher hath -taught her how to spread her net, and when she hath laid that net to -catch her prey, to set herself either in the furthest corner or else -full in the centre? Ye men do admire the raven of whom Plutarchus -writeth that he threw into a vessel that was half full of water so many -stones that the water rose until he could conveniently drink thereof. -What would ye do if ye were to dwell among the beasts and there behold -all the rest of their dealings, their doings, and their not-doings? -Then at all events would ye acknowledge 'twas plain that all beasts had -somewhat of especial natural vigour and virtue in all their desires and -instincts, as being now prudent, now strenuous, now gentle, now timid, -now fierce, for your learning and instruction. Each knoweth the other; -they discern each from other; they seek after that which is useful to -them, flee from what is harmful, avoid danger, gather together what is -necessary for their sustenance--yea, and at times do befool you men -yourselves. Therefore have many ancient philosophers seriously pondered -of such matters and have not been ashamed to question and to dispute -whether unreasoning brutes might not have understanding. But I care not -to speak further of these matters: get ye to the bees and see how they -make wax and honey, and then come again and tell me how ye think of -it." - - - - -_Chap. xiii._: OF VARIOUS MATTERS WHICH WHOEVER WILL KNOW MUST EITHER -READ THEM OR HAVE THEM READ TO HIM - - -Thereupon various judgments were pronounced upon me by my lord's -guests. The Secretaries were of opinion I should be counted a fool -because I esteemed myself a reasoning beast, and because they that had -a tile or two slipped, and yet seemed to themselves wise, were the most -complete and comical fools of all. Others said, if 'twere possible to -drive out of me the idea that I was a calf, or one could persuade me I -was again turned into a man, I should surely be held reasonable, or at -least sane enough. But my lord himself said, "I hold him for a fool -because he telleth every man the truth so shamelessly; yet are his -speeches so ordered that they belong to no fool." (Now all this they -spake in Latin, that I might not understand.) Then he asked me, had I -studied while I was yet a man? I answered, I knew not what study was -"but, dear sir," said I further, "tell me what manner of things are -these studs with which men study? Speakest thou, perchance, of the -balls with which men bowl." Then answered he they called the "mad -ensign," "What will ye with the fellow? 'a hath a devil, 'a is -possessed? 'tis sure the devil talking through his mouth." And on that -my lord took occasion to ask me, since I had been turned into a calf, -whether I still was accustomed to pray like other men and trusted to go -to heaven. "Surely," answered I, "Yet have I my immortal human soul, -which, as thou canst easily believe, will not lightly desire to come to -hell again, specially since I fared therein so evilly once before. I am -but changed as once was Nebuchadnezzar, and in God's good time I might -well become a man again." "And I hope thou mayst," said my lord, with a -pretty deep sigh, whereupon I might easily judge that he repented him -of having allowed me to be driven mad. "But let us hear," he went on, -"how art thou wont to pray?" So I kneeled down and raised my eyes and -hands to heaven in good hermit fashion, and because my lord's -repentance which I had perceived touched my heart with exceeding -comfort, I could not refrain my tears, and so to outward appearance -prayed with deepest reverence, after the Paternoster, for all -Christendom, for my friends and my enemies, and that God would -vouchsafe to me so to live in this world that I might be worthy to -praise Him in eternal bliss. My hermit had taught me such a prayer in -devout and well-ordered words. At that some soft-hearted onlookers were -also nigh to weeping, for they had great pity for me, yea, my lord's -own eyes were full of water. - -After dinner my lord sends for the pastor, and to him he told all that -I had uttered, and gave him to understand that he was concerned lest -all was not well[13] with me, and perchance the devil had a finger in -the pie, seeing that at first I had shewn myself altogether simple and -ignorant yet now could utter things to make men wonder. The pastor, who -knew my qualities better than any other, answered, that should have -been thought on before 'twas allowed to make me a fool, for "men," said -he, "were made in the image of God, and with such, and especially with -such tender youth, one must not make sport as with beasts": yet would -he never believe 'twas permitted to the evil spirit to interfere, -seeing that I had ever commended myself to God with fervent prayer. Yet -if against all likelihood such a thing were decreed and permitted, then -had men a sore account to answer for before God, inasmuch as there -would scarcely be greater sin than for one man to rob another of his -reason and thus withdraw him from the praise and service of God, -whereto he was chiefly created. "I gave ye beforehand my assurance," -said he, "that he had wit enough, but that he could not fit himself to -the world was caused by this, that he was brought up first with his -father, a rough peasant, and then with your brother-in-law in the -wilderness, in all simplicity. Had folk had but a little patience with -him at first, he would with time have learned a better carriage; he was -but a simple, God-fearing child, such as the evil-disposed world knew -not. Yet do I not doubt he can again be brought to his right mind, if -we can but take from him this fantasy and bring him to believe no -longer that he was turned into a calf. We read of one which did firmly -believe he was changed into an earthen pot, and would beseech his -friends to put him high on a shelf lest he should be trodden on and -broken. Another did imagine he was a cock, and in his infirmity crowed -both day and night. And yet another fancied he was already dead and a -wandering spirit, and therefore would partake of no medicine nor food -nor drink, till a wise physician hired two fellows which gave -themselves out likewise to be spirits, yet hearty drinkers, who joined -themselves to him and persuaded him that nowadays spirits were wont to -eat and drink, whereby he was brought to his senses. Yea, I myself had -a sick peasant in my parish, who, when I visited him, complained to me -he had three or four barrels of water in his body; and could he be rid -of that he trusted to be well again, and begged me either to have him -ripped up, that the water might run away, or have him hung up in the -smoke to dry it up. So I spoke him fair, and persuaded him I could draw -off the water from him in another fashion; and with that I took a tap -such as we use for wine and beer-casks, bound a strip of pig's guts to -it, and the other end I fastened to the bung hole of a great puncheon, -which to that end I had had filled with water; then I pretended as if I -had stuck the tap into his belly, which he had had swathed in rags lest -it should burst. Then I let the water run out of the puncheon through -tubes; whereat the poor creature rejoiced heartily and, throwing away -his rags, was in a few days whole again. Again, one that imagined he -had all manner of horse-furniture, bits and the like, in his body, was -in this wise cured: for his physician, having given him a strong purge, -conveyed such things into the night-stool so that the fellow must needs -believe he was rid of them by the purging. So, too, they tell of one -madman that believed his nose was so long that it reached to the -ground: for him they hung a sausage to his nose, and cut it away by -little and little till they came to the real nose: who, as soon as he -felt the knife touch his flesh, cried out the nose was in its right -shape again. And our good Simplicissimus can therefore be cured even as -were these of whom I have spoken." - -"All this can I believe," answered my master, "only this gives me -concern, that he was before so ignorant, and now can talk of all -matters, and that in such perfect fashion as one cannot easily find -even among persons older, more practised, and better read than he is: -for he hath told me of many properties of beasts, and described mine -own person so exactly as he had been all his life in the busy world, so -that I must needs wonder and hold his speeches wellnigh for an oracle -or a warning of God." - -"Sir," answered the pastor, "this may well be true and yet natural: I -know that he is well read, seeing that he, as well as his hermit, went -through all my books which I had, and which were not few; and because -the lad hath a good memory, and is now at leisure in his mind and -forgetful of his own person, therefore he can utter what aforetime he -stored in his brain: and therefore I do cherish the firm hope that with -time he may again be brought to right reason." - -In this wise the pastor left the Governor between hope and fear: and me -and my cause he defended in the best way, and gained for me days of -happiness and for himself (by the way) access to the Governor. Their -crowning resolve was this, to deal with me for a time quietly; and that -the pastor did more for his own sake than mine, for by going to and fro -and acting as if he bestirred himself for my sake and felt great care -for me, he gained the Governor's favour, who gave him office and made -him chaplain to the garrison, which in those hard times was no small -matter: neither did I grudge it him. - - - - -_Chap. xiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS LED THE LIFE OF A NOBLEMAN, AND HOW -THE CROATS ROBBED HIM OF THIS WHEN THEY STOLE HIMSELF - - -So from this time forward I possessed in full the favour, grace, and -love of my lord, of which I can boast with truth: nought I wanted to -complete my good fortune but that my calfskin was too much and my years -too little, though I knew it not myself. Besides, the pastor would not -yet have me brought to my senses, but it seemed to him not yet time, -neither as yet profitable for his interest. But my lord, seeing my -taste for music, had me to learn it, and hired for me an excellent -lute-player, whose art I presently well understood and in this excelled -him, that I could sing to the lute better than he. So could I serve my -lord for his pleasure, for his pastime, delight, and admiration. -Likewise all the officers shewed me their respect and goodwill, the -richest burghers sent me gratifications, and the household, like the -soldiers, wished me well because they saw how well inclined my master -was to me. One treated me here, another there; for they knew that often -jesters have more power with their masters than honest men: and to this -end were all their gifts; for some gave to me lest I should slander -them, others for that very reason--namely, that I should slander others -for their sake. In which manner I put together a pretty sum of money, -which for the most part I handed to the pastor; for I knew not yet to -what end it could be used. And as none dared look at me askance, so -from this time forward I had no jealousy, care, or trouble to encounter -with. All my thoughts I gave to my music, and to devising how I might -courteously point out to one and the other his failings. So I grew like -a pig in clover, and my strength of body increased palpably: soon could -one see that I was no longer starving my body in the wood with water -and acorns and beech-nuts and roots and herbs, but that over a good -meal I found the Rhenish wine and the Hanau double-beer to my taste, -which was indeed in those miserable times to be accounted a great -favour of God: for at that time all Germany was aflame with war and -harried by hunger and pestilence, and Hanau itself besieged by the -enemy, all which disturbed me not in the least. But after the raising -of the siege my master designed to make a present of me either to -Cardinal Richelieu or Duke Bernhard of Weimar, for besides that he -hoped to earn great thanks for the gift, he said plainly 'twas not -possible for him to bear the sight of me longer, because I presented to -him in that fool's raiment the face of his lost sister, to whom I grew -more like every day. In that the pastor opposed him, for he held that -the time was not yet come when he was to do a miracle and make me a -reasonable creature again, and therefore counselled the Governor he -should have a couple of calfskins prepared and put on two other boys, -and thereafter appoint some third person who, in the shape of a -physician, prophet or conjurer, should strip me and the said two boys -and pretend he could make beasts into men and men into beasts: in this -manner I might be restored, and without great pains might be brought to -believe I had, like others, again become a man. Which proposal when the -Governor approved, the pastor told me what he had agreed with my -master, and easily persuaded me to consent thereto. But envious Fortune -would not so easily free me of my fool's clothes nor leave me longer to -enjoy my noble life of pleasure. For while tanners and tailors were -already at work on the apparel that appertained to this comedy, I was -even then sporting with some other boys on the ice in front of the -ramparts. And there some one, I know not who, brought upon us a party -of Croats, which seized upon us all, set us upon certain riderless -farm-horses which they had just stolen, and carried us all off -together. 'Tis true they were at first in doubt whether to take me with -them or not, till at last one said in Bohemian, "Mih werne daho blasna -sebao, bowe deme ho gbabo Oberstowi" ("Take we the fool: bring we him -to our colonel"). And another answered him, "Prschis am bambo ano, mi -ho nagonie possadeime wan rosumi niemezki, won bude mit Kratock wille -sebao" ("Yes, by God, set we him on the horse. The colonel speaks -German: he will have sport with him"). So I must to horse, and must -learn how a single unlucky hour can rob one of all welfare and so -separate him from all luck and happiness that all his life he must bear -the consequences. - - - - -_Chap. xv._: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' LIFE WITH THE TROOPERS, AND WHAT HE SAW -AND LEARNED AMONG THE CROATS - - -Though 'tis true the Hanauers raised an alarm at once, sallied forth on -horseback, and for a while detained the Croats and harassed them with -skirmishing, yet could they get from them none of their booty; for -being light troops, they escaped very cleverly, and took their way to -Büdingen, where they baited, and delivered to the burghers there the -rich Hanauers' sons to put to ransom, and there sold their stolen -horses and other wares. From thence they decamped again before it was -even fully night, let alone day again, and rode hard through the -Büdingen forest into the abbey-lands of Fulda, and seized on the way -all they could carry with them. For robbery and plunder hindered them -not in the least in their swift march: like the devil, that can do -mischief as he flies. And the same evening they arrived in the -abbey-lands of Hirschfeld, where they had their quarters, with great -store of plunder. And this was divided; but me their colonel Corpes -took as his share. - -In the service of this master all appeared to me as unpleasing and -wellnigh barbarous: the dainties of Hanau had changed into coarse black -bread and stringy beef, or by good luck a bit of stolen pork: wine and -beer were now turned to water, and instead of a bed I must be content -to lie by the horses in the straw. Instead of that lute-playing which -had delighted all men, now must I at times creep under the table like -the other lads, howl like a dog, and suffer myself to be pricked with -their spurs, which was for me but a poor jest. Instead of my promenades -at Hanau, I must now ride on foraging parties, groom horses and clean -out their stalls. Now this same foraging is neither more nor less than -attacking of villages (with great pains and labour: yea, often with -danger to life and limb), and there threshing, grinding, baking, -stealing, and taking all that can be found; harrying and spoiling the -farmers, and shaming of their maids, their wives, and their daughters. -And if the poor peasants did murmur, or were bold enough to rap a -forager or two over the fingers, finding them at such work (and at that -time were many such guests in Hesse,) they were knocked on the head if -they could be caught, or if not, their houses went up in smoke to -heaven. Now my master had no wife (for campaigners of his kidney be not -wont to take ladies with them), no page, no chamberlain, no cook, but -on the other hand a whole troop of grooms and boys which waited both on -him and his horse; nor was he himself ashamed to saddle his own horse -or give him a feed: he slept ever on straw or on the bare ground, and -covered himself with a fur coat. So it came about that one could often -see great fleas or lice walk upon his clothes, of which he was not -ashamed at all, but would laugh if any one pocked one out. Short hair -he had, but a broad Switzer's beard, which served his turn well, for he -was wont to disguise himself as a peasant and so to go a-spying. Yet -though, as I have said, he kept no great household, yet was he by his -own folk and others that knew him honoured, loved, and feared. Never -were we at rest, but now here, now there: now we attacked and now we -were attacked: never for a moment were we idle in damaging the -Hessians' resources: nor on his part did Melander[14] leave us in -peace: but cut off many a trooper and sent him prisoner to Cassel. - -This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself -back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not -talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued, -beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my -colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks -like the other stable-lads, which 'tis true happened but seldom, yet -then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I -soon had enough. At last I began to do somewhat of cooking, and to keep -my master's weapons clean, whereon he laid great stress: for I was as -yet useless for foraging. And this answered so well that in the end I -gained my master's favour, insomuch that he had a new fool's coat of -calfskins made for me, with much greater asses' ears than I wore -before. Now as my master's palate was not delicate, I needed the less -skill for my cookery: yet because I was too often without salt, grease -or seasoning, I wearied of this employ also, and therefore devised day -and night how I might most cleverly escape--and that the more because -'twas now springtime. So to accomplish this I undertook the work of -clearing away the guts of sheep and oxen, with heaps of which our -quarters were surrounded, so that they should no longer cause so foul a -smell: and this the colonel approved. And being busied with this, I -stayed outside altogether, and when it was dark slipped away to the -nearest wood. - - - - -_Chap. xvi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND GOODLY SPOILS, AND HOW HE BECAME -A THIEVISH BROTHER OF THE WOODS - - -Yet to all appearance my condition grew worse and worse the further I -went; yea, so grievous that I conceived I was born but for misfortune: -for I was but a few miles distant from the Croats when I was caught by -highwaymen, which, without doubt, thought they had captured in me -somewhat of value, for by reason of the dark night they could not see -my fool's coat, and forthwith bade two of their number take me to their -trysting-place in the forest. So when they had brought me thither, and -'twas still pitch-dark, one fellow would at once have money from me: to -which end he laid aside his gauntlets and his fire-arms and began to -search me, asking, "Who art thou? Hast thou money?" - -Yet so soon as he was ware of my hairy clothing and the long asses' -ears on my cap, which he took for horns, and at the same time perceived -the shining sparks which the hides of beasts do commonly shew when they -are stroked in the dark, he was so terrified that he shrank into -himself. That did I presently mark: so before he could recover himself -or devise aught, I stroked down my hide with both hands to such good -purpose that it glittered as if I had been stuffed full of burning -sulphur, and then I answered him in a terrible voice, "I am the devil, -and I will break thy neck and thy fellow's too." - -Which so terrified both that they fled through the thicket as swiftly -as if the fires of hell were pursuing them; yea, though they dashed -themselves against sticks and stones and trunks of trees, and yet more -often tumbled, they were up again with all speed. So they went on till -I could hear them no longer; while I laughed so loud that it echoed -through the whole forest, which, without doubt, in that dark wilderness -was horrible to hear. - -Now when I would be gone I tripped over the musket; and that I took -for myself, for already I had learned from the Croats how to manage -fire-arms: then as I walked on I came upon a knapsack which, like my -coat, was made of calf-skin: that too I took up, and found that a -cartridge-pouch, well stored with powder and shot and all appurtenance, -hung below it. All this I hung on me, took the musket on my shoulder -like a soldier, and hid myself not far off in a thicket, intending to -sleep there awhile; but at daybreak came the whole crew to the spot, -searching for the musket that was lost and the knapsack: so I pricked -up mine ears like a fox and kept still as a mouse; and when they found -nothing they mocked at those two that had fled before me. "Shame," said -they, "ye craven fools: shame on your very heart that ye could so -suffer yourselves to be frighted and chased, and have your arms taken -by a single man." Yet one fellow swore the devil should take him if -'twere not the devil himself: his horns and his hairy hide he had well -perceived; and the other waxed angry and said, "It may have been the -devil or his dam, if I had but my knapsack back again." Then one of -them whom I took to be their captain answered him; and says he, "What -thinkest thou the devil should do with thy knapsack and thy musket? I -would wager my neck the rascal that ye so shamefully let go hath taken -both with him." Yet another took the contrary part, and said it might -well happen that some countrymen had since passed that way who had -found the things and taken them: and in the end all approved this, and -'twas believed by all the band they had had the devil himself in their -hands, especially because the fellow that would search me in the -darkness not only swore the same with horrid oaths, but also was able -powerfully to describe and to magnify the rough and glittering skin and -the two horns as certain signs of the devil's quality. Nay, I do -conceive that had I shewn myself again unawares the whole band would -have run. So at last, when they had sought long enough and had found -nothing, they went on their way again: but I opened the knapsack to -make my breakfast thereof, and at the first trial I brought out a pouch -in which were some 360 ducats. And that I rejoiced thereat none need -question, yet may the reader be assured that the knapsack pleased me -yet more than this fine sum of money, since I found it well stored with -provisions. And as such yellow-boys are far too sparsely strewn among -common soldiers for them to take such with them on a raid, I judge that -the fellow must have just snapped up these on that very excursion, and -quickly whipped them into his knapsack that he might not be compelled -to share them with the rest. - -Thereupon I made a cheerful breakfast, and found too a merry little -spring, at which I refreshed myself and counted my fine ducats. And if -my life depended thereon, to say, in what land or place I then found -myself, I could not tell. And first I stayed in the wood as long as my -food lasted, with which I dealt right sparingly: then when my knapsack -was empty, hunger drove me to the farmers' houses. And there I crept by -night into cellar and kitchen and took what food I found and could -carry off; and this I conveyed away to the wildest part of the wood. -And so I led a hermit's life as before, save that I stole much and -therefore prayed less, and had, moreover, no fixed abode, but wandered -now here, now there. 'Twas well for me indeed that it was now the -beginning of summer, though I could kindle a fire with my musket -whenever I would. - - - - -_Chap. xvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES - - -During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the woods -different country-folk, who at all times fled from me. I know not if -the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and -were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the -highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had -with me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was -of a truth prowling about in that part. But for this reason I must -needs fear lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the -uttermost misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs, -to which I was no longer accustomed. As I pondered on this I heard two -men cutting of wood, which rejoiced me mightily. So I followed the -sound of the blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a -handful of ducats out of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed -them the alluring gold and cried, "My masters, if ye will but wait for -me I will give you this handful of gold." But as soon as they saw me -and my gold, at once they took to their heels, and left their mallets -and wedges together with their bag of bread and cheese; with this I -filled my knapsack, and so betook myself back to the wood, doubting if -in my life I should ever come to the company of men again. So after -long pondering thereupon, I thought, "Who knoweth what may chance to -thee? Thou hast money, and if thou comest in safety with it to honest -folk, thou canst live on it a long while." So it came into my head to -sew it up; and to that end I made, out of my asses' ears which made the -folk so fly from me, two armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with -those of the banditti, I packed all together into these armlets and -bound them on mine arms above the elbow. And now, as I had thus secured -my treasure, I attacked the farms again, and got from them what I -needed and what I could snap up. And though I was but simple, yet I was -sly enough never to come a second time to a place where I had stolen -anything; and therefore was I very lucky in my thefts and was never -caught pilfering. - -It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store by my -customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a -farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that -there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I -wisely stayed away); so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the -yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and -stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed. -But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that -led to the living-room; thither I crept to see if the folk would not -soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put -on their clothes, and in place of a light there stood a sulphurous blue -flame on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms, -pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window -one after another. At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great -terror; yet, as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in -my whole life having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not -much of this, and that chiefly because 'twas all so done in such -stillness; but when all were gone I betook myself also to the -living-room, and devising what I could take with me and where to find -it, in such meditation sat me down straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon -I had hardly sat down when I and the bench together flew straight out -of the window, and left my gun and knapsack, which I had laid aside, as -pay for that magical ointment. Now my sitting down, my departure, and -my descent were all in one moment, for I came, methought, in a trice to -a great crowd of people; but it may be that from fear I took no count -how long I took for this long journey. These folk were dancing of a -wondrous dance, the like of which I saw never in my life, for they had -taken hands and formed many rings within one another, with their backs -turned to each other like the pictures of the Three Graces, so that all -faced outwards. The inmost ring was of some seven or eight persons; the -second of as many again: the third contained more than the first two -put together, and so on, so that in the outermost ring there were over -two hundred persons; and because one ring danced towards the right and -the next towards the left, I could not see how many rings they formed, -nor what was in the midst around which they danced. Yet all looked -monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out so comically. -My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels which stood -outside the rings all round the dancers, of which minstrels some had, -instead of flutes, clarinets and shawms, nothing but adders, vipers and -blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats into whose -breech they blew and fingered on the tail; which sounded like to -bagpiper: others fiddled on horses' skulls as on the finest violins, -and others played the harp upon a cow's skeleton such as lie in the -slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a bitch under his -arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout -all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded -therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole hellish crew -began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl, to rant, to ramp, and to -roar as they were all mad and lunatic. And now can any man think into -what terror and fear I fell. - -In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a -monstrous toad, full as big as a kettledrum, whose guts were dragged -out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so -filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. "Lookye, Simplicissimus," says -he, "I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from -thee." But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name) -that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay -in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awake from -it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went -on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it -hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink 'twas -all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the -ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more. - - - - -_Chap. xviii._: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS' -CHARGE THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW - -Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among them, that -believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less that they -can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure there will -be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the long bow. -With such folk I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer an -art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I -could practise this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest -fool. But they that deny the witches' gallop to be true, let them but -think of Simon the Magician, which was by the evil spirit raised aloft -into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth. -Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man, -who in the Duchy of Lorraine caused to be burned a good many more than -a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother -(which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with -her to their assembly, that he might play to them as they danced--for -he had learned to play the fife. That to that end he mounted on a tree, -piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe -because he marvelled so at it all). But at last, "God help us;" says -he, "whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?" And hardly had he -said that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder, -and called for help. But there was nobody there but himself. - -When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a little -after Catherine Prévost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been at -the said dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that -she knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered. Majolus tells us -of a servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an -adulterer that took his paramour's ointment-boxes and smeared himself -with the same, and so both came to the witches' Sabbath. So likewise -they tell of a farm-servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but -because he had taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, that waggon -rose into the air and must be dragged down again. Olaus Magnus tells us -of Hading, King of Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by -rebels, journeyed far over the sea through the air on the Spirit of -Odin, which had turned himself to the shape of a horse. So do we know -well enough, and too well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia will fetch -their paramours to them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a -great distance. And what Torquemada in his Hexameron relateth of his -schoolfellow may in his own words be read. So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh -of a nobleman which, when he marked that his wife anointed herself and -thereafter flew out of the house, did once on a time compel her to take -him with her to the sorcerers' assembly. And when they feasted there, -and there was no salt, he demanded such, and having with great pains -gotten it, did cry, "God be praised, here cometh the salt!" Whereupon -the lights went out and all vanished. So when now 'twas day he -understood from the shepherds in that place that he was near to the -town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naples, and therefore full five -hundred miles from his home. And therefore, though he was rich, must he -beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his wife for a witch -before the magistrate, and she was burned. How Doctor Faust, too, and -others, which were no enchanters, could journey through the air from -one place to another is from his history sufficiently known. So I -myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing, but -the maid's father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her -mistress's shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it -by to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which -story, nevertheless, was hushed up. - -All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may believe -that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their proper -bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man to -believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me 'tis -all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not believe -may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the lands -of Fulda or Hirschfeld (for I know not myself whither I had wandered in -the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in so brief a -space of time. - - - - -_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A -FOOL BEFORE - - -So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the reader -that I lay on my belly till 'twas at least broad daylight; as not -having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things -I have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great -terror, yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in -no worse place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most -of my time since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty -well accustomed thereto. Now it was about nine o'clock when there came -foragers, which woke me up. And now for the first time I perceived I -was in the open field. So they had me with them to certain windmills, -and when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before -Magdeburg, where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment, -who asked me what was my story and what manner of master I had served. -So I told him all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the -Croats, I did but describe their clothing and gave examples of their -speech, and told how I escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I -nought, and what I told of my journey through the air and of the -witches' dance, that they all held to be imagination and folly, and -that especially because in the rest of my discourse I seemed to talk -wildly. Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered round me (for one fool makes -a thousand), and among them was one that the year before had been made -prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service, yet afterwards had come -back to the Emperor's army: who, knowing me again, said at once, "Hoho! -'tis the commandant's calf of Hanau." - -Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew no -more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been captured -outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes' regiment, -and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at losing me; -for I was a right clever fool. So then the colonel's wife sent to -another colonel's wife that could play well upon the lute, and -therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it: -which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should -play. But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty -stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had. So this -was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of -Zerbst beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and -with the lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came -into my head, so that I easily persuaded the folk to believe I was of -the quality that my apparel represented. Then the colonel asked me -whither I would go; and I answering 'twas all one to me, we agreed -thereupon that I should stay with him and be his page. Yet would he -know where my asses' ears had gone. "Yea," said I to myself, "an thou -knewest where they were: they would fit thee well enough." Yet was I -clever enough to say naught of their properties, for all my worldly -goods lay in them. - -Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the Emperor's and -the Elector's camp, but specially among the ladies, who would deck my -hood, my sleeves, and my short-cut ears with ribbons of all colours, so -that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the fashion of -to-day. But all the money that was given me by the officers, that I -liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking it -away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which liquors -pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I came -there was plenty of chance of spunging. But when my colonel procured -for me a lute of my own (for he trusted to have me ever with him), then -I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps, but he -appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to obey -him. And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet, -discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and -(which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and -full of all arts and sciences. At night I must sleep in his tent, and -by day I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counsellor -and minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the -Swedes utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to -continue his studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a -muster-roll clerk in the Saxon army, he took service with this my -colonel, and was content to serve as a lackey, to wait until the -dangerous chances of war on the banks of the Elbe should change and so -the sun of his former happiness again shine upon him. - - - - -_Chap. xx._: IS PRETTY LONG, AND TREATS OF PLAYING WITH DICE AND WHAT -HANGS THEREBY - - -Now because my governor was rather old than young, therefore could he -not sleep all the night through: and that was the cause that he even in -the first few weeks discovered my secret; namely, that I was no such -fool as I gave out, of which he had before observed somewhat, and had -conceived such a judgment from my face, for he was skilled in -physiognomia. Once I awoke at midnight, and having divers thoughts upon -my life and its strange adventures, rose up, and by way of gratitude -recounted all the benefits that God had done unto me, and all the -dangers from which He had rescued me: then I lay down again with deep -sighing and slept soundly till day. - -All this my governor heard, yet made as if he were sound asleep; and -this happened several nights running, until he had fully convinced -himself I had more understanding than many an older man who fancied -himself to be somewhat. Yet he spake thereof nought to me in our hut, -because it had walls too thin, and because he for certain reasons would -not have it that as yet (and before he was assured of my innocence) any -one else should know this secret. Once on a time I went to take the air -outside the camp, and this he gladly allowed, because he had then the -opportunity to come to look for me, and so the occasion to speak with -me alone. So, as he wished, he found me in a lonely place, where indeed -I was giving audience to my thoughts, and says he: "Good and dear -friend, 'tis because I seek for thy welfare that I rejoice to be able -to speak with thee alone. I know thou art no fool as thou pretendest, -and that thou hast no desire to continue in this miserable and despised -state. If now thou holdest thy welfare dear and wilt trust to me as to -a man of honour, and so canst tell me plainly the condition of thy -fortunes, so will I for my part, whenever I can, be ready with word and -deed to help thee out of this fool's coat." - -So thereupon I fell upon his neck, and so carried myself as he had been -a prophet to release me from my fool's cap: and sitting both down upon -the ground, I told him my whole story. Then he examined my hands, and -wondered both at the strange events which had befallen me and those -which were to come: yet would in no wise counsel me to lay aside my -fool's coat in haste, for he said that by means of palmistry he could -see that my fate threatened me with imprisonment which should bring me -danger of life and limb. So I thanked him for his good will and his -counsel, and asked of God that He would reward him for his good faith, -and of himself that he would be and ever remain my true friend and -father. - -So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the -dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and -damnation that they could lay their tongues to. The place was wellnigh -as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished -with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its -four-cornered thieves' bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for -share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from -another. So likewise every cloak or table had its coupier (croupier I -should have said, and might well have said[15] "cooperer"), whose -office 'twas to be judges and to see that none was cheated; they too -lent the cloaks and tables and dice, and contrived so well to get their -hire out of the winnings that they generally got the chief share: yet -it bred them no advantage, for commonly they gamed it away again, or -when it was best laid out, 'twas the sutler or the barber-surgeon that -had it--for there were many broken heads to mend. - -At these fools one might well wonder, how they all thought to win, -which was impossible, even if they had played at another's[16] risk: -and though all hoped for this, yet the cry was, the more players the -more skill; for each thought on his own luck; and so it happened that -some hit and some missed, some won and some lost. Thereupon some -cursed, some roared; some cheated and others were jockeyed--whereat the -winners laughed and the losers gnashed their teeth: some sold their -clothes and all they valued most, and others again won even that money -from them: some wanted honest dice, and others, on the contrary part, -would have false ones, and brought in such secretly, which again others -threw away, broke in two, bit with their teeth, and tore the croupiers' -cloaks. Among the false dice were Dutch ones, that one must cast with a -good spin; for these had the sides, whereon the fives and sixes were, -as sharp as the back of the wooden horse on which soldiers be punished: -others were High German, to which a man must in casting give the -Bavarian swing. Some were of stag's-horn, light above and heavy below. -Others were loaded with quicksilver or lead, and others, again, with -split hairs, sponge, chaff, and charcoal: some had sharp corners, -others had them pared quite away: some were long like logs and some -broad like tortoises. All which kinds were made but for cheating: and -what they were made for, that they did, whether they were thrown with a -swing or trickled on to the board, and no coupling of them was of any -avail; to say nothing of those that had two fives or two sixes or, on -the other hand, two aces or two deuces. With these thieves' bones they -stole, filched, and plundered each other's goods, which they themselves -perchance had stolen, or at least with danger to life and limb, or -other grievous trouble and labour, had won. - -So as I stood there and looked upon the gaming-place and the gamesters -in their folly, my governor asked me how the thing pleased me. Then -answered I: "That men can so grievously curse God pleases me not: but -for the rest, I leave it for what 'tis worth as a matter unknown to me, -and of which I as yet understand nought." "Know then," said my -governor, "that this is the worst and vilest place in the whole camp, -for here men seek one another's money and lose their own in doing so. -And whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already -broken the tenth commandment, which saith, 'Thou shalt not covet thy -neighbour's goods.'" And says he, "An thou play and win, specially by -deceit and false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth -commandments. Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on -him from whom thou hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is -so great that by reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need -and recklessness, or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this -plea help thee, that thou sayest, 'I did risk mine own and won -honestly.' Thou rogue, thou camest to the gaming-place with this -intent, to grow rich through another's loss. And if thou lose, thou art -not excused with the punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich -man in the parable, thou must answer it sorely to God that thou so -uselessly hast squandered that which He lent thee for the support of -thee and thine. Whosoever goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same -committeth himself to the danger of losing therein, not only his money, -but his body and his life also; yea, what is most terrible of all, -there can he lose his own soul. I tell thee this as news, my friend -Simplicissimus (because thou sayest gaming is unknown to thee), that -thou mayest be on thy guard against it all thy life long." So I -answered him: "Dear sir," said I, "if gaming be so terrible and -dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?" My governor -answered: "I will not say 'twas because our officers themselves take -part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will not--yea, -cannot--do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself over to -gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play hath -seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or lose) -so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than -that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through -and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play--yea, -even if they must go home shirtless. Yet this gaming hath already been -forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the -command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through -the means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites--openly -and violently. Yet 'twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook -themselves to secret corners and behind hedges, won each other's money, -quarrelled, and brake each others' necks thereupon: so that to prevent -such murders and homicides, and specially because many would game away -their arms and horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore -now 'tis not only publicly allowed, but this particular place is -appointed therefore, that the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any -harm that might happen: yet they cannot always hinder that one or the -other fall not dead on the spot. And inasmuch as this gaming is the -tormenting devil's own device, and bringeth him no small gain, -therefore hath he ordained especial gaming-devils, that prowl around in -the world and have naught else to do but to tempt men to play. To these -divers wanton companions bind themselves by certain pacts and -agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win: yet can a man among -ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay, on the contrary -part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are lightly -esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in vile -pleasures. Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, 'The devil never -leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,' for he taketh from -them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more (except -God's infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their -souls. Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by -nature and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought -to despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring -therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win -mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and -drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net." Thereat I crossed -myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things -should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially -because visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and -the next followed therefrom. Yet my governor said all that he had told -me was as yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the -harm that came from gaming would begin an impossible task. For as men -say, so soon as the hazard is thrown 'tis now in the devil's hands, so -should I fancy that with every die, as it rolled from the player's hand -upon cloak or table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it -shew as many points as his master's interest demanded. And further, I -should reflect that 'twas not for nought that the devil entered into -the game so heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine -gains out of it himself. "And with that note thou further," says he, -"that just as there are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain -chafferers and Jews, which buy from the players at cheap rate what they -have won, as rings, apparel or jewels, or are ready to change such for -money for them to game away, so also there be devils walking to and -fro, that they may arouse and foster thoughts that may destroy the -souls in the gamesters that have ceased to play, be they winners or -losers. For the winners the devil will build terrible castles in the -air; but into them that have lost, whose spirit is already quite -distraught and therefore the more apt to receive his harmful counsels, -he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs as can but tend to -their eternal ruin. Yea, I assure thee, Simplicissimus, I am of the -mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I can come in peace to my own -again. And in that I will describe first the loss of precious time, -which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and no less the fearful -curses with which men blaspheme God over their gaming-tables. Then will -I likewise recount the taunts with which men provoke one another, and -will adduce many fearful examples and stories which have happened in, -during, and after play: and there will I not forget the duels and -homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. Yea, I will portray -in their true colours set before men's eyes the greed, the rage, the -envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the covetousness, the -thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both of dicers and -of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may conceive -such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows' milk (which folk are -wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their -madness). So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear God is more -blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with -their curses." And this project I praised, and wished him the -opportunity to carry it out. - - - - -_Chap. xxi._: IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LAST - - -Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to him, -yet kept we our friendship very secret: 'tis true I acted still as a -fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage -and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless. My -colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once -when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention -pleased me hugely. But because the dog we had was so hot that he would -spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could -catch but little, therefore I counselled the colonel to couple the -bitch with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and asses when -they would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so -could with them catch the birds in the air. I proposed also, since it -went right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg, which we then -besieged, to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and -encompassing the whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men -and all the cattle in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole -city head over heels. Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised -every day an abundance, for 'twas my trade, and none ever found my -workshop empty. And for this my master's secretary, which was an evil -customer and a hardened rogue, gave me matter enough, whereby I was -kept on the road which fools be wont to walk: for whatsoever this -mocker told me, that I not only believed myself but told it to others, -whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse turned on that subject. - -So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he was -distinguished from other folk by his apparel, "that," says he, "is -master _Dicis et non facis_, which is, being interpreted into German, a -fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself. He is the -bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth -not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be -commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its -best." So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he -was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at -his request well basted. Further, the secretary persuaded me they had -pulled down and set on fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague, -that the sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of -evil weeds: so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and -hearty fighters ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures, -malingerers, and the like, that were content with their pay: likewise -no elegant a la mode cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient -Jobs, henpecked husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout -women, and all manner of outcasts which in this world are good neither -to bake nor to boil, and young children. He told me too a lying story -of how hosts were called innkeepers only because in their business they -endeavoured to keep in with both God and the devil. And of war he told -me that at times golden bullets were used, and the more precious such -were, the more damage they did. "Yea," said he, "and a whole army with -artillery, ammunition, and baggage-train can be so led by a golden -chain." Further, he persuaded me that of women more than half wore -breeches, though one could not see them, and that many, though they -were no enchantresses and no goddesses as was Diana, yet could conjure -bigger horns on to their husbands' heads than ever Actaeon wore. In all -which I believed him: so great a fool was I. - -On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me, entertained -me with far different discourse. Moreover, he brought me to know his -son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon army, -and was a man of far different quality to my colonel's secretary: for -which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get him -from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post -his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also. With this -muster-clerk, whose name, like his father's, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I -struck up such a friendship that we swore eternal brotherhood, in -virtue of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy -or sorrow; and because this was without his father's knowledge, -therefore we held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow. By this was it -made our chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my fool's -coat, and how we might honestly serve one another; all which however -the old Herzbruder, whom I honoured and looked to as my father, -approved not, but said in so many words that if I was in haste to -change my estate, such change would bring me grievous imprisonment and -great danger to life and limb. And because he foretold for himself also -and his son a great disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that -he had reason to act more prudently and warily than to interfere in the -affairs of a person whose great approaching danger he could foresee: -for he was fearful he might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I -declared myself, because he had long ago found out my secret and knew -me inside and out, yet he never revealed my true condition to the -colonel. And soon after I perceived yet better that my colonel's -secretary envied my new brother desperately, as thinking he might be -raised over his head to the post of regimental secretary; for I saw how -at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon him, and how he was -always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked upon the old or -the young Herzbruder. Therefrom I judged he was making of calculations -how he might trip and throw him. So I told to my brother, both from my -faithful love to him and also as my certain duty, what I suspected, -that he might a little be on his guard against this Judas. But he did -but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough superior to the -secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the colonel's -great favour and grace. - - - - -_Chap. xxii._: A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES - -'Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried soldiers, -and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one, and to -boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said of -him he had seen enough and more than enough. For he was a fully -qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not -only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also, -yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his -countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have -Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe. And though -the poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held -themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his -ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with -this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary. And the more -his envy of young Herzbruder increased--who was ever of a lively -humour--the thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost: -whence I could easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and -Mercury boded no good to the honest Herzbruder. Just then my colonel's -lady was rejoiced at the coming of a young son, and the christening -feast spread in wellnigh princely fashion: at which young Herzbruder -was brought to wait at table. Which, when he of his courtesy willingly -did, he gave the longed-for opportunity to Oliver to bring into the -world the piece of roguery of which he had long been in labour. For -when all was over my colonel's great silver-gilt cup was missing; and -this loss he made the more ado about because 'twas still there after -all stranger guests had departed: 'tis true a page said he had last -seen it in Oliver's hands, but would not swear it. Upon that the -Provost was fetched to give his counsel in the matter, and 'twas said -aside to him that if he by his arts could discover the thief, they -would so carry the matter that that thief should be known to none save -the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had been present whom, -even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a matter, he would -not willingly bring to shame. - -So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough into -the colonel's great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the -matter. At that each looked on his neighbour, and desired to know how -'twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear. And no sooner had -the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man's -breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their -clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies. And these sniffed -round and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner -of colours, and each with some special ornament, so that 'twas a right -merry sight. As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies -that I must pull them off, and because my shirt had long before rotted -away in the forest, there I must stand naked. Last of all one sprang -out of young Herzbruder's pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on -golden a collar. This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there -were so many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot -down by reason of them. And when it had destroyed all, it became -smaller and smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it -turned into my colonel's cup. - -Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must perforce -believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen the cup: -so said the colonel to him: "Lookye, unthankful guest, have I deserved -this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never -believed of thee? For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my -secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should -have thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a -care of thy honourable and ancient father. Now quick;" said he, "out of -my camp, and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more." - -So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him, for -his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must -needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the -colonel himself to comfort him, which said, "a pious father was not to -answer for this sinful son." Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver -attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any -honourable fashion do so. - - - - -_Chap. xxiii._: HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS - - -Now as soon as young Herzbruder's captain heard this story he took from -him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he -was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished -for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a -sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied -that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and -limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the -colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk -with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I -was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw -that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who -knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his -innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged -easily from the circumstances that Oliver had laid this trap for his -son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from -whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he -looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave -his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live, -but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief -of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep. -At last 'twas their common resolve to commit their cause to God in -patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his -regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the -matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the -service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in -which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving -of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats that I -had sewn up in my ass's ears, and so asked how much money they wanted -in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, "If there came one and -brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my -troubles." I answered him, "Brother, if that will help thee, have a -good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats." "Alas, brother," -says he, "what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so -wanton that thou makest jests upon us in our sore affliction?" "Nay, -nay," said I, "I will provide the money." So I stripped off my coat and -took one of the asses' ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him to -count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said, -"Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it." - -Thereupon they both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for -very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and -therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder's co-heir together -with his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they -would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all -which I would have nothing, but only commended myself to their -perpetual friendship. After that, young Herzbruder would have sworn to -be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and -prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at the -hands of me, Simplicissimus. "Yet," said he, "I am well assured that ye -two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in -fight." Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to -love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits. - -But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers (for -which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself -with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg, -and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish -army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the -meanwhile. - - - - -_Chap. xxiv._: HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE - - -Now none of my colonel's people shewed himself better fitted to wait on -old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was -also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the -colonel's wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good -nursing, and being relieved in respect of his son, he grew better from -day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored -to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be -sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past. -Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to -know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good -calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent -physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named -the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since -many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day. - -My colonel's wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp, -for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered; -and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits, -he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge -that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which -cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he -described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it -were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the -time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things -which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or -had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water, -for he feared I might find my destruction therein. - -When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me, and also the -orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day, -most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay -and prayed without ceasing: but as 'twas near to afternoon there came a -lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the -colonel's master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith -by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the -orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of -the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that -availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to -say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never -found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the -honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and -nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he -did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as -soon as he saw mine old friend, "I ask his honour's pardon," says he, -"for the freedom I have taken, to speak a word with him." "Tis well," -says Herzbruder, "wherein can I pleasure his honour?" "Only in this," -says the lieutenant, "that I could beg of his honour that he would -condescend upon the casting of my nativity." Then the old man answered: -"I hope the honourable gentleman will forgive me that I cannot, by -reason of my sickness, do his pleasure herein: for whereas this task -needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot accomplish it; but if he will -be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope to give him full -satisfaction." "Very well," says the lieutenant, "but in the meantime -let your honour tell my fortune by my hand." "Sir," said old -Herzbruder, "that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your -worship to spare me in that matter: tomorrow I will do all that your -worship asks of me." Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he -goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man's eyes, and says he, -"Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life's end, -with the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a -warning from God to order my life better; and so for God's sake I beg -you not to conceal the truth." Then the honest old man answered him in -a word, and says he, "'Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his -guard, lest he be hanged before an hour be past." "What, thou old -rogue," quoth the lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, "durst thou -hold such language to a gentleman?" and drew his sword and stabbed my -good old friend to death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried -"Murder," so that all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in -his departure that without doubt he would have escaped, but that the -Elector of Saxony with his staff at that very moment rode up, and had -him arrested. So when he understood the business he turned to Count -Hatzfeld, our general, and all he said was this: "'Twould be bad -discipline in an imperial camp that even a sick man in his bed were not -safe from murderers." - -That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his life: -for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious neck -till he was dead. - - - - -_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL -AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE - -From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are not -to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe -nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any -man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to -him long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken -of. And to the question, whether 'tis necessy, or helpful, and good for -a man to have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only -this, that old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still -wish he had told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he -foretold I have never been able to shun, and those that still await me -do turn my hair grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not -whether I torment myself or not: they will happen to me as did the -rest. But as to strokes of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of -them I hold that they be ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully -accomplished as the unlucky prophecies. For how did it help me that old -Herzbruder swore by all that was holy I was born and bred of noble -parents, since I knew of none but my dad and my mammy, which were but -common peasants in the Spessart? In like manner, how did it help -Wallenstein, the Duke of Friedland, that 'twas prophesied to him he -should once be crowned king with stringed music thereto? Doth not all -the world know how he was lulled to his ruin at Eger? Others may worry -their brains over such questions: but I must to my story. - -So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described, I -took a disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I -had been wont to call a town of flax and straw with earthen walls. For -now I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up -with iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool -me more, but to be rid of my jester's garb should it cost me life and -limb. And that design I carried out but scurvily, for otherwise I had -no opportunity. - -For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder's death was -appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the -servants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village, -wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers' purpose, and as each -went to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I -stole away, and searched to find some old peasant's clothing for which -I could exchange my fool's cap: yet I found not what I desired but must -be content with a woman's clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone, -and threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but -that I was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked -across the street, where were certain officers' wives, and made such -mincing steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him -disguised as a maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter: yet was I -hardly outside the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and -taught me to run faster: for when they cried "Halt, halt;" I ran the -quicker, and before they could overtake me I came to the said officers' -ladies, and falling on my knees before them, besought them, in the name -of all womanly honour and virtue, they should protect me from those -rascals. And this my prayer not only found a good reception, but I was -hired by the wife of a captain of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg -and the fort at Werben and Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by -our people. - -The captain's wife was no baby, but yet young, and came so to dote on -my smooth face and straight limbs that at length, after long trouble -and vain circumlocutions, she gave me to understand in all too plain -German where the shoe pinched. But at that time I was far too -conscientious, and pretended I understood not, nor would I show any -outward indication by which any man might judge me to be aught but a -virtuous maiden. Now the captain and his servant lay sick in that same -hospital, so he bade his wife to have me better clothed that she might -not be put to shame by my miserable peasant's kirtle. So that she did -and more than she was bidden; for she dressed me up like a French doll, -and that did but fan the fire wherewith all three were a-burning: yea, -and it waxed so that master and man begged of me that which I could not -grant to them, and that which I refused to the lady, though with all -manner of courtesy. At last the captain determined to take an -opportunity to get by force from me that which 'twas impossible he -should have: but that his wife marked, and being in hopes to overcome -my resistance in the end, blocked all the ways and laid all manner of -obstacles in the path, so that he thought he must in the end go mad or -lunatick. Once on a time when my master and mistress were asleep, the -servant came to the carriage in which I had to sleep every night, -bemoaned his love for me with hot tears, and begged most solemnly for -grace and mercy. But I shewed myself harder than any stone, and gave -him to understand I would keep my chastity till I was married. Then he -offered me marriage a thousand times over, yet all he could get from me -was an assurance 'twas impossible for me to marry him. Whereupon he -became desperate or pretended it, and drawing his sword, set the point -at his breast and the hilt against the carriage, and acted just as if -he would stab himself. So I thought, the devil is a rogue, and -therefore spoke him fair and comforted him, saying I would next morning -give him a certain answer: with that he was content and went to bed, -but I stayed awake the longer because I reflected on my strange -condition: for I could see that in the end my trick must be discovered, -for the captain's wife became more and more importunate with her -enticements, the captain more impudent in his designs, and the servant -more desperate in his constant love: and out of such a labyrinth I -could see no escape. Yet if the lady left me in peace, the captain -tormented me, and when I had peace from both of them at night, then the -servant beset me, so that my women's clothes were worse to wear than my -fool's cap. Then indeed (but far too late) I thought of the departed -Herzbruder's prophecy and warning, and could imagine nothing else but -that I was already fast in the prison he spoke of and in danger of life -and limb. For the woman's apparel kept me imprisoned, since I could not -get out of it, and the captain would have handled me roughly if he had -once found out who I was, and had caught me at the toilet with his fair -wife. What should I do? I resolved at length the same night to reveal -myself to the servant as soon as 'twas day, for I thought, "his desires -will then cease, and if thou art free with thy ducats to him he will -help thee to man's clothes again and so out of all thy straits." Which -was all well devised enough if luck would have had it so: but that -was against me. For my friend Hans took day to begin just after -midnight, and came to get his "Yes" from me, and began to hammer on the -carriage-cover even then when I was soundest asleep, calling out a -little too loud, "Sabina, Sabina, oh my beloved, rise up and keep your -promise to me," and so waked the captain before me, who had his tent -close by the carriage. And now he saw green and yellow before his eyes, -for jealousy had already got a hold of him: yet he came not out to -disturb us, but only got up, to see how the thing would end. At last -the servant woke me with his importunities, and would force me either -to come out of the carriage to him or to let him in to me, but I -rebuked him and asked did he take me for a whore? My promise of -yesterday was on condition of marriage, without which he should have -nought to do with me. He answered I must in any case rise, for it began -to grow light, to prepare the food for the family in good time: then he -would fetch wood and water and light the fire for me. "Well," said I, -"if thou wilt do that I can sleep the longer: only go away and I will -soon follow." Yet as the fool would not give over, I got up, more to -do my work than to pleasure him, for methought his desperate madness of -yesterday had left him. I should say that I would pass pretty well for -a maid-servant in the field, for with the Croats I had learned how to -boil, bake, and wash: as for spinning, soldiers' wives do it not on a -campaign. All other women's work which I could not do, such as brushing -and braiding hair, my mistress gladly forgave me, for she knew well I -had never learned it. - -But as I came out of the coach with my sleeves turned up, my Hans was -so inflamed by the sight of my white arms that he could not refrain -himself, but must kiss me; and I not greatly resisting that, the -captain, before whose eyes this took place, could bear it no longer, -but sprang with drawn sword out of the tent to give my poor lover a -thrust: but he ran off and forgot to come back; so says the captain to -me, "Thou whore in grain," says he, "I will teach thee ..." and more he -could not say for very rage, but struck at me as if he were mad. But I -beginning to cry out, he must needs stop lest he should alarm the camp: -for both armies, Saxon and Imperialist, lay close together expecting -the approach of the Swedes under Banér. - - - - -_Chap. xxvi._: HOW HE WAS IMPRISONED FOR A TRAITOR AND ENCHANTER - - -As soon as it was day my master handed me over to the horse-boys, even -as both armies were striking their tents: these were a pack of rascals, -and therefore was the baiting which I must endure the greater and more -dreadful: for they hastened with me to a thicket the better to satisfy -their bestial desires, as is the custom of these devils' children when -a woman is given over to them: and there followed them many fellows -looking on at their scurvy tricks, and among them my Hans, who let me -not out of his sight, and when he saw 'twould go ill with me would -rescue me by force, even should it cost him his head: who found backers -enough when he said I was his betrothed wife; and they, shewing pity -for him and me, were ready to help. But that the boys, who thought they -had the better right to me, and would not let such a good prize go, -would not have, and went about to repel force with force. So blows -beginning to be dealt on both sides, the crowd and the noise became -greater and greater till it seemed almost like a tournament in which -each did his best for a fair lady's sake. All this terrible hubbub drew -the Provost-general to the spot, who came even then when my clothing -had been torn from my body and 'twas plain that I was no woman: his -coming made all quiet as mice, for he was feared far more than the -devil himself; and those that had been at fisticuffs scattered. But -he briefly inquired of the matter, and whereas I hoped he would save -me, on the contrary he arrested me, because it was a strange and -suspicious thing for a man to be found in an army in women's clothes. -Accordingly, he and his men walked off with me to the regiments (which -were all afoot and ready to march), with intent to deliver me to the -Judge-Advocate-General, or Quartermaster-General: but when we were -about to pass my colonel's regiment, I was known and accosted and -furnished by my colonel with some poor clothes, and so given in custody -to our old provost, who put me in irons hand and foot. - -It was mighty hard work for me so to march in fetters, and the old -curmudgeon would have properly plagued me had not the secretary Oliver -paid for me; for I would not let my ducats, which I had thus far kept, -see the light, for I should at the same time have lost them and also -have fallen into greater danger. The said Oliver informed me the same -evening why I was kept in such close custody, and the regimental -sheriff received orders at once to examine me, that my deposition might -the sooner be laid before the Judge-Advocate-General, for they counted -me not only for a spy, but also for one that could use witchcraft; for -shortly after I left my colonel certain witches were burnt who -confessed before their death that they had seen me at their General -Assembly, when they met together to dry up the Elbe, that Magdeburg -might be taken the sooner. So the points on which I was to give an -answer were these. (1) Whether I had not been a student, or at least -could read and write? (2) Why I had come to the camp at Magdeburg -disguised as a fool, whereas in the captain's service I had been as -sane as I was now? (3) Why I had disguised myself in women's apparel? -(4) Whether I had not been at the witches' dance with other sorcerers? -(5) Where I was born and who my parents were? (6) Where I had sojourned -before I came to the camp before Magdeburg? and (7) Where and to what -end I had learned women's work such as washing, baking, cooking, and -also lute-playing? Thereupon I would have told my whole story, that the -circumstances of my strange adventures might explain all; but the judge -was not curious, only weary and peevish after his long march: so he -desired only a round answer to each question; and that I answered in -the following words, out of which no one could yet learn aught that was -exact or precise--as thus: (1) I had not been a student, but could read -and write German. (2) I had been forced to wear a fool's coat because I -had no other. (3) Because I was weary of the fool's coat and could come -at no men's clothes. (4) I answered yes; but had gone against my will -and knew naught of witchcraft. (5) I was born in the Spessart and my -parents were peasants. (6) With the Governor of Hanau and with a -colonel of Croats, Corpes by name. (7) Among the Croats I had been -forced against my will to learn cooking and the like: but lute-playing -at Hanau because I had a liking thereto. So when my deposition was -written out, "How canst thou deny," says he, "and say thou hast not -studied, seeing that when thou didst pass for a fool, and the priest in -the mass said 'Domine non sum dignus,' thou didst answer in Latin that -he need not say that, for all knew it." - -"Sir," said I, "others taught me that and persuaded me 'twas a prayer -that one must use at mass, when our chaplain was saying it." "Yes, -yes," said he, "I see thou art the very kind of fellow whose tongue -must be loosed by the torture." Whereat I thought, "God help thee if -thy tongue follow thy foolish head!" - -Early next morning came orders from the Judge-Advocate-General to our -provost that he should keep me well in charge; for he was minded as -soon as the armies halted to examine me himself: in which case I must -without doubt to the torture, had not God ordered it otherwise. In my -bonds I thought ever of my pastor at Hanau and old Herzbruder that was -dead, how both had foretold how it would fare with me if I were rid of -my fool's coat again. - - - - -_Chap. xxvii._: HOW THE PROVOST FARED IN THE BATTLE OF WITTSTOCK - - -The same evening, and when we had hardly as yet pitched our tents, I -was brought to the Judge-Advocate-General, who had before him my -deposition and also writing materials; and he began to examine me more -closely. But I, on the other part, told my story even as it had -happened to me, yet was not believed, nor could the judge be sure -whether he had a fool or a hard-bitten knave before him, so pat did -question and answer fall and so strange was the whole history. He bade -me take a pen and write, to see what I could do, and moreover to see if -my handwriting was known, or if it had any marks in it that a man -could recognise. I took pen and paper as handily as one that had been -daily used to employ the same, and asked what I should write. The -Judge-Advocate-General, who was perhaps vexed because my examination -had prolonged itself far into the night, answered me thus: "What!" says -he, "write down 'Thy mother the whore.'" - -Those words I did write down, and when they were read out they did but -make my case worse,[17] for the Advocate-General said he was now well -assured that I was a rogue. Then he asked the provost, had they -searched me and found any writings upon me? The provost answered him -no; for how could they search a man that had been brought to them -naked? But it availed nought! The provost must search me in the -presence of all, and as he did that diligently (O ill-luck!) there he -found my two asses' ears with the ducats in them bound round my arms. -Then said they: "What need we any further witness? This traitor hath -without doubt undertaken some great plot, for why else should any -honest man disguise himself in a fool's raiment, or a man conceal -himself in women's garments? And how could any suppose that a man would -carry on him so great a quantity of money, unless it were that he -intended to do some great deed therewith?" For said they, did he not -himself confess he had learned lute-playing under the cunningest -soldier in the world, the commandant of Hanau? "Gentlemen," says they, -"what think you he did not learn among those sharp-witted Hessians? The -shortest way is to have him to the torture and then to the stake: -seeing he hath in any case been in the company of sorcerers and -therefore deserveth no better." - -How I felt at that time any man can judge for himself; for I knew I was -innocent and had strong trust in God: yet I could see my danger and -lamented the loss of my fair ducats, which the Judge-Advocate-General -had put in his own pocket. But before they could proceed to extremities -with me Banér's folk fell upon ours: at the first the two armies fought -for the best position, and then secondly for the heavy artillery, which -our people lost forthwith. Our provost kept pretty far behind the line -of battle with his helpers and his prisoners, yet were we so close to -our brigade that we could tell each man by his clothing from behind; -and when a Swedish squadron attacked ours we were in danger of our -lives as much as the fighters, for in a moment the air was so full of -singing bullets that it seemed a volley had been fired in our honour. -At that the timid ducked their heads, as they would have crept into -themselves: but they that had courage and had been present at such -sport before let the balls pass over their heads quite unconcerned. In -the fighting itself every man sought to prevent his own death with the -cutting down of the nearest that encountered him: and the terrible -noise of the guns, the rattle of the harness, the crash of the pikes, -and the cries both of the wounded and the attackers made up, together -with the trumpets, drums and fifes, a horrible music. There could one -see nought but thick smoke and dust, which seemed as it would conceal -the fearful sight of the wounded and dead: in the midst of it could be -heard the pitiful outcries of the dying and the cheers of them that -were yet full of spirit: the very horses seemed as if they were more -and more vigorous to defend their masters, so furious did they shew -themselves in the performance of that duty which they were compelled to -do. Some of them one could see falling dead under their masters, full -of wounds which they had undeservedly received for the reward of their -faithful services: others for the same cause fell upon their riders, -and thus in their death had the honour of being borne by those they had -in life been forced to bear: others, again, being rid of the valiant -burden that had guided them, fled from mankind in their fury and -madness, and sought again their first freedom in the open field. The -earth, whose custom it is to cover the dead was there itself covered -with them, and those variously distinguished: for here lay heads that -had lost their natural owners, and there bodies that lacked their -heads: some had their bowels hanging out in most ghastly and pitiful -fashion, and others had their heads cleft and their brains scattered: -there one could see how lifeless bodies were deprived of their blood -while the living were covered with the blood of others; here lay arms -shot off, on which the fingers still moved, as if they would yet be -fighting; and elsewhere rascals were in full flight that had shed no -drop of blood: there lay severed legs, which though delivered from the -burden of the body, yet were far heavier than they had been before: -there could one see crippled soldiers begging for death, and on the -contrary others beseeching quarter and the sparing of their lives. In a -word, 'twas naught but a miserable and pitiful sight. The Swedish -conquerors drove our people from their position, which they had -defended with such ill luck, and were scattered everywhere in pursuit. -At which turn of things my provost, with us his prisoners, also took to -flight, though we had deserved no enmity from the conquerors by reason -of our resistance: but while the provost was threatening of us with -death and so compelling us to go with him, young Herzbruder galloped up -with five other horsemen and saluted him with a pistol and, "Lookye, -old dog," says he, "is it the time now to breed young puppies? Now will -I pay thee for thy pains." - -But the shot harmed the provost as little as if it had struck an anvil. -So "Beest thou of that kidney," said Herzbruder, "yet I will not have -come to do thee a courtesy in vain: die thou must even if thy soul were -grown into thy body." And with that he compelled a musqueteer of the -provost's own guard, if he would himself have quarter, to cut him down -with an axe. And so that provost got his reward: but I being known by -Herzbruder, he bade them free me from my fetters and bonds, set me on a -horse, and charged his servant to bring me to a place of safety. - - - - -_Chap. xxviii._: OF A GREAT BATTLE WHEREIN THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED IN -THE HOUR OF TRIUMPH - - -But even then, while my rescuer's servant conveyed me out of danger, -his own master was, by reason of his greed of honour and of gain, -carried so far afield that he in his turn was taken prisoner. So when -the conquerors were dividing of the spoil and burying their dead, and -Herzbruder was a-missing, his captain received as his inheritance me -with his servant and his horses: whereby I must submit to be ranked as -a horse-boy, and in exchange for that received nought, save only these -promises: namely, that if I carried myself well and could grow a little -older, he would mount me: that is, make a trooper of me: and with that -I must be content. - -But presently thereafter my captain was appointed lieutenant-colonel, -and I discharged the same office for him that David did for Saul, for -when we were in quarters I played the lute for him, and when we were on -the march I must wear his cuirass after him, which was a sore burden to -me: and although these arms were devised to protect their wearers -against the buffets of the enemy, I found it the contrary, for mine own -young which I hatched pursued me with the more security under the -protection of those same arms: under the breastplate they had their -free quarters, pastime, and playground, so that it seemed I wore the -harness not for my protection but for theirs, for I could not reach -them with my arms and could do no harm among them.[18] I busied myself -with the planning of all manner of campaigns against them, to destroy -this invincible Armada: yet had I neither time nor opportunity to -drive them out by fire, (as is done in ovens) nor by water, nor by -poison--though well I knew what quicksilver would do. Much less had I -the opportunity to be rid of them by a change of raiment or a clean -shirt, but must carry them with me, and give them my body and blood to -feed upon. And when they so tormented and bit me under the harness, I -whipped out a pistol as if I would exchange shots with them: yet did -only take out the ramrod and therewith drive them from their banquet. -At last I discovered a plan, to wind a bit of fur round the ramrod and -so make a pretty bird-lime for them: and when I could be at them under -the harness with this louse-angler, I fished them out in dozens from -their dens, and murdered them: but it availed me little. - -Now it happened that my lieutenant-colonel was ordered to make an -expedition into Westphalia with a strong detachment; and if he had been -as strong in cavalry as I was in my private garrison he would have -terrified the whole world: but as 'twas not so he must needs go warily, -and for that reason also hide in the Gemmer Mark (a wood so called -between Soest and Ham). Now even then I had come to a crisis with my -friends: for they tormented me so with their excavations that I feared -they might effect a lodgment between flesh and skin. Let no man wonder -that the Brasilians do devour their lice, for mere rage and revenge, -because they so torment them. At last I could bear my torment no -longer, but when the troopers were busy--some feeding, some sleeping, -and some keeping guard--I crept a little aside under a tree to wage war -with mine enemies: to that end I took off mine armour (though others be -wont to put it on when they fight) and began such a killing and -murdering that my two swords, which were my thumbnails, dripped with -blood and hung full of dead bodies, or rather empty skins: and all such -as I could not slay I banished forthwith, and suffered them to take -their walks under that same tree. - -Now whenever this encounter comes into my remembrance forthwith my skin -doth prick me everywhere, as if I were but now in the midst of the -battle. 'Tis true I doubted for a while whether I should so revenge -myself on mine own blood, and specially against such true servants that -would suffer themselves to be hanged with me--yea, and broken on the -wheel with me, and on whom, by reason of their numbers, I had often -lain softly in the open air on the hardest of earth. But I went on so -furiously in my tyrannical ways that I did not even mark how the -Imperialists were at blows with my lieutenant-colonel, till at last -they came to me, terrified my poor lice, and took me myself prisoner. -Nor had they any respect for my manhood, by the power of which I had -just before slain my thousands, and even surpassed the fame of the -tailor that killed "seven at a blow." I fell to the share of a dragoon, -and the best booty he got from me was my lieutenant-colonel's cuirass, -and that he sold at a fair price to the commandant at Soest, where he -was quartered. So he was in the course of this war my sixth master: for -I must serve him as his foot-boy. - - - - -_Chap. xxix._: HOW A NOTABLY PIOUS SOLDIER FARED IN PARADISE, AND HOW -THE HUNTSMAN FILLED HIS PLACE - - -Now unless our hostess had been content to have herself and her whole -house possessed by my army, 'twas certain she must be rid of them. And -that she did, short and sharp, for she put my rags into the oven and -burned them out as clean as an old tobacco-pipe, so that I lived again -as 'twere in a rose-garden freed from my vermin: yea, and none can -believe how good it was for me to be free from that torment wherein I -had sat for months as in an ant's nest. But in recompense for that I -had a new plague to encounter: namely, that my new master was one of -those strange soldiers that do think to get to heaven: he was contented -with his pay and never harmed a child. His whole fortune consisted in -what he could earn by standing sentry and what he could save from his -weekly pay; and that, poor as it was, he valued above all the pearls of -the Orient: each sixpence he got he sewed into his breeches, and that -he might have more of such sixpences I and his horse must starve: I -must break my teeth upon dry Pumpernickel, and nourish myself with -water, or at best with small beer, and that was a poor affair for -me--inasmuch as my throat was raw from the dry black bread and my whole -body wasted away. If I would eat I must needs steal, and even that with -such secrecy that my master could by no manner of means be brought to -book. As for him, gallows and torture, headsmen and their helpers--yea, -and surgeons too--were but superfluous. Sutlers and hawkers too must -soon have beat a retreat from him: for his thoughts were far from -eating and drinking, gaming and quarrelling: but when he was ordered -out for a convoy or an expedition of any sort where pay was, there he -would loiter and dawdle away his time. Yea, I believe truly if this -good old dragoon had not possessed these soldierly virtues of -loitering, he would never have got me: for in that case he would have -followed my lieutenant-colonel at the double. I could count on no cast -clothes from him: for he himself went in such rags as did beforetime my -hermit in the woods. His whole harness and saddle were scarce worth -three-halfpence, and his horse so staggering for hunger that neither -Swede nor Hessian needed to fear his attack. - -All these fair qualities did move his captain to send him to -Paradise--which was a monastery so called--on protection-duty: not -indeed as if he were of much avail for that purpose, but that he might -grow fat and buy himself a new nag: and most of all because the nuns -had asked for a pious and conscientious and peaceable fellow for their -guard. And so he rode thither and I behind him: for he had but one -horse: and "Zounds;" says he, "Simbrecht; (for he could never frame to -pronounce my name aright) when we come to Paradise we will take our -fill." And I answered him: "Yes," said I, "the name is a good omen: God -grant it that the place be like its name!" "Yes, yes," says he, for he -understood me not, "if we can get two ohms of the good Westphalian beer -every day we shall not fare ill. Look to thyself: for I will now have a -fine new cloak made, and thou canst have the old one: 'twill make a -brave new coat for thee." - -Well might he call it the old one: for I believe it could well remember -the Battle of Pavia,[19] so weatherbeaten and shabby was it: and with -the giving of it he did me but little kindness. - -Paradise we found as we would have it and still better: in place of -angels we found fair maidens, who so entertained us with food and drink -that presently I came again to my former fatness: the strongest beer we -had, the best Westphalian hams and smoked sausages and savoury and -delicate meat, boiled in salt water and eaten cold. There too I learned -to spread black bread a finger thick with salt butter, and put cheese -on that so that it might slip down better: and when I could have a -knuckle of mutton garnished with garlic and a good tankard of beer -beside it, then would I refresh body and soul and forget all my past -sufferings. In a word, this Paradise pleased me as much as if it had -been the true Paradise: no other care had I except that I knew 'twould -not always last, and I must fare forth again in my rags. - -But even as misfortune ever came to me in abundance when it once began -to pursue me, so now it seemed to me that good fortune would run it -hard: for when my master would send me to Soest to fetch his baggage -thence, I found on the road a pack, and in the same some ells of -scarlet cloth cut for a cloak, and red silk also for the lining. That I -took with me, and at Soest I exchanged it with a clothier for common -green woollen cloth fit for a coat and trappings, with the condition he -should make such a coat and provide me also with a new hat: and -inasmuch as I grievously needed also a new pair of shoes and a shirt, I -gave the huckster the silver buttons and the lace that belonged to the -cloak, for which he procured for me all that I wanted, and turned me -out brand-new. So I returned to Paradise to my master, who was mightily -incensed that I had not brought my findings to him: yea, he talked of -trouncings, and for a trifle, an he had not been shamed and had the -coat fitted him, would have stript it off me for to wear it himself. -But to my thinking I had done a good piece of trading. - -But now must the miserly fellow be ashamed that his lad went better -clothed than he: therefore he rides to Soest, borrows money from his -captain and equips himself in the finest style, with the promise to -repay all out of his weekly protection-pay: and that he carefully did. -He had indeed himself means to pay that and more also, but was too sly -to touch his stores: for had he done that his malingering was at an -end, wherein he hoped to abide softly that winter through, and some -other naked fellow had been put in his place: but now the captain must -perforce leave him where he lay, or he would not recover his money he -had lent. Thenceforward we lived the laziest life in the world, wherein -skittles was our chief exercise: when I had groomed my dragoon's horse, -fed and given him to drink, then I played the gentleman and went -a-walking. - -The convent was safeguarded also by our opponents the Hessians with a -musqueteer from Lippstadt: the same was by trade a furrier, and for -that reason not only a master-singer but also a first-rate fencer, and -lest he should forget his art he daily exercised himself with me in all -weapons, in which I became so expert that I was not afraid to challenge -him whenever he would. My old dragoon, in place of fencing with him, -would play at skittles, and that for no other wager but who should -drink most beer at dinner: and so whoever lost the convent paid. - -This convent had its own game-preserves and therefore its own huntsman, -and inasmuch as I also was clad in green I joined myself to him, and -from him in that autumn and winter I learned all his arts, and -especially all that concerns catching of small game. For that cause, -and because also the name Simplicissimus was somewhat uncommon and for -the common folk easily forgotten or hard to pronounce, every one called -me the "little huntsman": and meanwhile I learned to know every way and -path, and that knowledge I made good use of thereafter. But when by -reason of ill weather I could not take my walks abroad in the wood, -then I read all manner of books which the bailiff of the convent lent -me. And so soon as the good nuns knew that, besides my good voice, I -could also play a little on the lute and the harpsichord, then did they -give more heed to me, and because there was added to these qualities a -prettily proportioned body and a handsome face enough, therefore they -deemed all my manners and customs, my doings and my ways, to be the -ways of nobility: and so became I all unexpectedly a much-loved -gentleman, of whom one could but wonder that he should serve so scurvy -a dragoon. - -But when I had spent the winter in the midst of such pleasures, my -master was discharged: which vexed him so much (by reason of the good -living he was to lose) that he fell sick, and inasmuch as that was -aggravated by a violent fever (and likewise the old wounds that he had -got in the wars in his lifetime helped the mischief), he had but short -shrift, for in three weeks I had somewhat to bury, but this epitaph I -wrote for him: - - "Old Miserly lies here, a soldier brave and good, - Who all his lifetime through shed ne'er a drop of blood." - -By right and custom the captain could take and inherit the man's horse -and musquet and the general all else that he left: but since I was a -lively, well-set-up lad, and gave hopes that in time I should not fear -any man, it was offered me to take all, if only I would take the place -of my dead master. And that I undertook the more readily because I knew -my master had left a pretty number of ducats sewn into his old -breeches, which he had raked together in his lifetime: and when in the -process of things I must give in my name--namely, Simplicius -Simplicissimus--and the muster-clerk (which was named Cyriack) could -not write it down aright, says he, "There is no devil in hell with such -a name." Thereon I asked him quickly, "Was there one there named -Cyriack?" and clever as he thought himself, that he would not answer: -and that pleased my captain so that from thenceforward he thought well -of me. - - - - -_Chap. xxx._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CARRIED HIMSELF WHEN HE BEGAN TO LEARN -THE TRADE OF WAR: WHEREFROM A YOUNG SOLDIER MAY LEARN SOMEWHAT - - -Now the commandant in Soest needed a lad in his stables, of the kind -that I seemed to him to be, and for that reason he was not well pleased -that I had turned soldier, but would try to have me yet: to that end he -made a pretence of my youth and that I could not yet pass for a man: -and having set this forth to my master, he sends to me and says he, -"Harkye, little huntsman, thou shalt be my servant." So I asked what -would my duties be: to which he answered I should help to tend his -horses. "No, sir," quoth I, "we are not for one another: I would rather -have a master in whose service the horses should tend me: but seeing -that I can find none such, I will sooner remain a soldier." "Thy -beard," says he, "is yet too small." "No, no," said I, "I will wager I -can encounter any man of eighty years: a beard never yet killed a man, -or goats would be in high esteem." "Oho!" says he, "if thy courage be -as high as thy wit, I will let thee pass for a soldier." I answered, -"That can be tried upon the next occasion," and therewithal I gave him -to understand I would not be used as a groom. So he left me as I was, -and said the proof of the pudding was in the eating. - -So now I betook myself to my old dragoon's old breeches, and having -dissected them, I recovered out of their entrails a good soldier's -horse and the best musquet I could find: and all must for me be as -bright as looking-glass. Then I bought a new suit of green clothes: for -this name of the "huntsman" suited well with my fancy: and my old suit -I gave to my lad; for 'twas too small for me. And so could I ride on -mine own account like a young nobleman, and thought no small beer of -myself. Yea, I made so bold as to deck my hat with a great plume like -an officer: and with that I raised up for myself enviers and mislikers: -and betwixt them and me were presently hot words and at last even -buffets. Yet hardly had I proved to one or two that same science which -I had learned in Paradise of the good furrier, when behold, not only -would all leave me in peace but would have my friendship moreover. -Besides all this, I was ever ready to give my service for all -expeditions on foot or on horseback: for I was a good rider and quicker -on foot than most, and when it came to dealing with the enemy I must -charge forward as for mere pleasure and ever be in the front rank. So -was I in brief time known both among friends and foes, and so famous -that both parties thought much of me, seeing that the most dangerous -attacks were entrusted to me to carry out, and to that end whole -detachments put under my command. And now I began to steal like any -Bohemian, and if I made any capture of value, I would give my officers -so rich a share thereof that 'twas allowed me to play my tricks on -forbidden ground, for whatever I did I was supported. General Count -Götz had left remaining in Westphalia three enemy's garrisons--to wit, -in Dorsten, in Lippstadt, and in Coesfeld: and all these three I -mightily plagued! for I was before their gates, now here, now there, -one day here and one day there, no less, and snapped up many a good -prize, and because I ever escaped the folk came to believe of me I -could make myself invisible and was as proof as iron or steel. So now -was I feared like the plague itself, so that thirty men of the enemy -would not be shamed to flee before me if they did but know I was in -their neighbourhood with fifteen. And at last it came to this: that -where a contribution must be levied from a place, I was the man for -that: and my plunder from that became as great as my fame. Mine -officers and comrades loved their little huntsman: the chief partisans -of the opposite side were terrified, and by fear and love I kept the -countrymen on my side: for I knew how to punish my opposers, and them -that did me the smallest service richly to repay: insomuch that I spent -wellnigh the half of my booty in paying of my spies. And for that -reason there went no reconnaissance, no convoy, no expedition out from -the adversary whose departure was not made known to me: whereupon I -laid my plans and founded my projects, and because I commonly brought -the same to good effect by the help of good luck, all were astonished: -and that chiefly at my youthful age: so that even many officers and -good soldiers of the other party much desired to see me. To this must -be added that I ever shewed myself courteous to my prisoners, so that -they often cost me more than my booty was worth, and whensoever I could -shew a courtesy to any of the adversary, and specially to any officer, -without injury to my duty and to my allegiance to my master, I -neglected it not. And by such behaviour I had surely been presently -forwarded to the rank of officer, had not my youth hindered that: for -whosoever, at the age wherein I then was, would be an ensign, must be -of noble birth: besides, my captain could not promote me; for there -were no vacancies in his own company and he would not let me go to -another: for so would he have lost in me a milch-cow and more too. So -must I be and remain a corporal. Yet this honour, which I had gained -over the heads of old soldiers, though 'twas but a small thing, yet -this and the praise which daily I received were to me as spurs to urge -me on to better things. And day and night I dreamed only of fresh plans -to make myself greater: nay, I could not sleep by reason of such -foolish phantasies. And because I saw that I wanted an opportunity to -shew the courage which I felt in me, it vexed me that I could not every -day have the chance to meet the adversary in arms and try the result. -So then I wished the Trojan war back again, or such a siege as was at -Ostende,[20] and fool as I was, I never thought that a pitcher goes to -the well till it breaks: and that also is true of a young soldier and a -foolish, when he hath but money and luck and courage: thereupon follow -haughtiness and pride: and by reason of that pride I hired, in place of -one footboy, two serving-men, whom I equipped well and horsed them -well, and so gained the envy of all the officers. - - - - -_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE DEVIL STOLE THE PARSON'S BACON AND HOW THE -HUNTSMAN CAUGHT HIMSELF - - -Now must I tell you a story or two of things that happened to me before -I left the dragoons: and though they are trifling, yet are they amusing -to be heard: for I undertook not only great things, but despised not -also small affairs, if only I could be assured that thereby I should -get reputation among the people. - -Now my captain was ordered, with fifty odd men on foot, to Schloss -Recklinghausen, and there to carry out a certain design: and as we -thought that before the plan could be carried out we had best hide -ourselves a day or two in the woods, each took with him provision for a -week. But inasmuch as the rich convoy we waited for came not at the -appointed time, our food gave out: and we dared not to steal, for so -had we betrayed ourselves and caused our plan to come to nothing: and -so hunger pressed us sore: moreover, I had in that quarter no good -friends (as elsewhere) to bring me and my men food in secret. And -therefore must we devise other means to line our bellies if we would -not go home empty. My comrade, a journeyman Latinist who had but lately -run from school and enlisted, sighed in vain for the barley soup which -beforetime his parents had served up for his delight, and which he had -despised and left untasted: and as he thought on those meals of old, so -he remembered his school satchel, beside which he had eaten them. - -"Ah, brother;" says he to me, "is't not a shame that I have not learned -arts enough to fill my belly now. Brother, I know, _re vera_, if I -could but get to the parson in that village, 'twould provide me with an -excellent convivium." So I pondered on that word awhile and considered -our condition, and because they that knew the country might not leave -the ambush (for they had surely been recognised) while those that were -unknown to the people knew of no chance to steal or buy in secret, I -founded my plan on our student and laid the thing before our captain. -And though 'twas dangerous for him also, yet was his trust in me so -great, and our plight so evil, that he consented. So I changed clothes -with another man, and with my student I shogged off to the said village -and that by a wide circuit, though it lay but half an hour from us: and -coming thither we forthwith knew the house next the church to be the -priest's abode; for 'twas built town-fashion and abutted on the wall -that surrounded the whole glebe. Now I had already taught my comrade -what he should say: for he had yet his worn-out old student's cloak on -him: but I gave myself out for a journeyman painter, as thinking I -could not well be called upon to exercise that art in the village; for -farmers do not often have their houses decorated. - -The good divine was civil, and when my comrade had made him a deep -Latin reverence and told lies in great abundance to him, as how the -soldiers had plundered him on his road and robbed him of all his -journey-money, he offered him a piece of bread and butter and a draught -of beer. But I made as though I belonged not to him, and said I would -eat a snack in the inn and then call for him, that we might ere the day -was spent come somewhat further on our way together. And to the inn I -went, yet more to espy what I could fetch away that night than to -appease mine hunger, and had also the luck on the way to find a peasant -plastering up of his oven, in which he had great loaves of rye-bread, -that should sit there and bake for four-and-twenty hours. With the -innkeeper I did little business: for now I knew where bread was to be -had: yet bought a few loaves of white bread for our captain, and when I -came to the parsonage to warn my comrade to go, he had already had his -fill, and had told the priest I was a painter and was minded to journey -to Holland, there to perfect my art. So the good man bade me welcome -and begged me to go into the church with him, for he would shew me some -pieces there that needed repair. And not to spoil the play, I must -follow. So he took me through the kitchen, and as he opened the lock in -the strong oaken door that led to the churchyard, O mirum! there I saw -that the black heaven above was dark with lutes, flutes, and fiddles, -meaning the hams, smoked sausages, and sides of bacon that hung in the -chimney; at which I looked with content, for it seemed as if they -smiled at me, and I wished, but in vain, to have them for my comrades -in the wood: yet they were so obstinate as to hang where they were. -Then pondered I upon the means how I could couple them with the said -oven full of bread, yet could not easily devise such, for, as -aforesaid, the parson's yard was walled round and all windows -sufficiently guarded with iron bars. Furthermore there lay two -monstrous great dogs in the courtyard which, as I feared, would of a -surety not sleep by night if any would steal that whereon 'twas the -reward of their faithful guardianship to feed by day. So now when we -came into the church and talked of the pictures, and the priest would -hire me to mend this and that, and I sought for excuses and pleaded my -journey, says the sacristan or bellringer, "Fellow," says he, "I take -thee rather for a runaway soldier than a painter." To such rough talk I -was no longer used, yet must put up with it: still I shook my head a -little and answered him, "Fellow, give me but a brush and colours, and -in a wink I will have thee painted for the fool thou art." Whereat the -priest laughed, yet said to us both, 'twas not fitting to wrangle in so -holy a place: with that I perceived he believed us both, both me and my -student; so he gave us yet another draught and let us go. But my heart -I left behind among the smoked sausages. - -Before nightfall we came to our companions, where I took my clothes and -arms again, told the captain my story, and chose out six stout fellows -to bring the bread home. At midnight we came to the village and took -the bread out of the oven: for we had a man among us that could charm -dogs; and when we were to pass by the parsonage, I found it not in my -heart to go further without bacon. In a word, I stood still and -considered deeply whether 'twere not possible to come into the priest's -kitchen, yet could find no other way but the chimney, which for this -turn must be my door. The bread and our arms we took into the -churchyard and into the bone-house, and fetched a ladder and rope from -a shed close by. Now I could go up and down chimneys as well as any -chimney-sweep (for that I had learned in my youth in the hollow trees), -so on to the roof I climbed with one other, which roof was covered with -a double ceiling and a hollow between, and therefore convenient for my -purpose. So I twisted my long hair into a bunch on my head, and lowered -myself down with an end of the rope to my beloved bacon, and fastened -one ham after another and one flitch after another to the rope which my -comrade on the roof most regularly hauled up and gave to the others to -carry to the bonehouse. But alack and well-a-day! Even as I shut my -shop and would out again a rafter broke under me, and poor -Simplicissimus tumbled down and the miserable huntsman found himself -caught as in a mouse-trap: 'tis true, my comrades on the roof let down -the rope to draw me up: but it broke before they could lift me from the -ground. And, "Now huntsman," thought I, "thou must abide a hunt in -which thy hide will be as torn as was Actaeon's," for the priest was -awakened by my fall and bade his cook forthwith to kindle a light: who -came in her nightdress into the kitchen with her gown hanging on her -shoulders and stood so near me that she almost touched me: then she -took up an ember, held the light to it, and began to blow: yet I blew -harder, which so affrighted the good creature that she let both fire -and candle fall and ran to her master. So I gained time to consider by -what means I could help myself out: yet found I none. - -Now my comrades gave me to understand through the chimney they would -break the house open and have me forth: that would I not have, but bade -them to look to their arms and leave only my especial comrade on the -roof, and wait to see if I could not get away without noise and -disturbance, lest our ambush should be frustrated: but if it could not -be so, then might they do their best. Meanwhile the good priest himself -struck a light; while his cook told him a fearful spectre was in the -kitchen who had two heads (for she had seen my hair in a bunch on my -head and had mistook it for a second head). All this I heard, and -accordingly smeared my face and arms with my hands, which were full of -ashes, soot, and cinders, so vilely that without question I no longer -could be likened to an angel, as those holy maidens in Paradise had -likened me: and that same sacristan, had he but seen me, would have -granted me this, that I was a quick painter. And now I began to rattle -round in the kitchen in fearful wise, and to throw the pots and pans -about: and the kettle-ring coming to my hand, I hung it round my neck, -and the fire-hook I kept in my hand to defend myself in case of need. - -All which dismayed not that good priest: for he came in procession with -his cook, who bore two wax-lights in her hands and a holy-water stoup -on her arm, he himself being vested in his surplice and stole, with the -sprinkler in one hand and a book in the other, out of which he began to -exorcise me and to ask who I was and what I did there. So as he took me -to be the devil, I thought 'twas but fair I should play the devil's -part as the Father of Lies, and so answered, "I am the Devil, and will -wring thy neck and thy cook's too." Yet he went on with his conjuring -and bade me take note I had no concern with him nor his cook; yea, and -commanded me under the most solemn adjuration that I should depart to -the place whence I had come. To which I answered with a horrible voice, -that 'twas impossible even if I would. Meanwhile my comrade on the -roof, which was an arch-rogue and knew his Latin well, had his part to -play: for when he heard what time of day 'twas in the kitchen, he -hooted like an owl, he barked like a dog, he neighed like a horse, he -bleated like a goat, he brayed like an ass, and made himself heard down -the chimney like a whole crew of cats bucking in February, and then -again like a clucking hen: for the fellow could imitate any beasts' cry -and, when he would, could howl as naturally as if a whole pack of -wolves were there. And this terrified the priest and his cook more than -anything: yet was my conscience sore to suffer myself to be abjured as -the devil; for he truly took me for such as having read or heard that -the devil loved to appear clad in green. - -Now in the midst of these doubts, which troubled both parties alike, I -was aware by good luck that the key in the lock of the door that led to -the churchyard was not turned, but only the bolt shot: so I speedily -drew it back and whipped out of the door into the churchyard, where I -found my comrades standing with their musquets cocked, and left the -parson to conjure devils as long as he would. So when my comrade had -brought my hat down from the roof, and we had packed up our provands, -we went off to our fellows, having no further business in the village -save that we should have returned the borrowed ladder and rope to their -owners. - -With our stolen food the whole party refreshed themselves, and all had -cause enough to laugh over my adventure: only the student could not -stomach it that I should rob the priest that had so nobly filled his -belly, yea, he swore loud and long he would fain pay him for his bacon, -had he but the means at hand; and yet ate of it as heartily as if he -were hired for the business. So we lay in our ambush two days longer -and waited for the convoy we had so long looked for; where we lost no -single man in the attack, yet captured over thirty prisoners and as -splendid booty as ever I did help to divide: and I had a double share -because I had done best: and that was three fine Friesland stallions -laden with as much merchandise as we could carry off in our haste; and -had we had time to examine the booty and to bring it to a place of -safety, each for his own part would have been rich enough: but we had -to leave more on the spot than we bore off, for we must hurry away with -all speed, taking what we could carry: and for greater safety we betook -ourselves to Rehnen, and there we baited and shared the booty: for -there lay our main body. - -And there I thought again on the priest, whose bacon I had stolen: and -now may the reader think what a misguided, wanton, and overweening -spirit was mine, when it was not enough for me to have robbed and -terrified that pious man, but I must claim honour for it. To that end I -took a sapphire set in a gold ring, which I had picked up on that same -plundering expedition, and sent it from Rehnen to my priest by a sure -hand with this letter: "Reverend Sir,--Had I but in these last days had -aught in the wood to eat and so to live, I had had no cause to steal -your reverence's bacon, in which matter 'tis likely you were terrified. -I swear by all that is holy that such affright was against my will, and -so the more do I hope for forgiveness. As concerning the bacon itself, -'tis but just it should be paid for, and therefore in place of money I -send this present ring, given by those for whose behoof your goods must -needs be taken, and beg your reverence will be pleased to accept the -same: and add thereto that he will always find on all occasions an -obedient and faithful servant in him whom his sacristan took to be no -painter and who is otherwise known as 'The Huntsman.'" - -But to the peasant whose oven they had emptied, the party sent out of -the general booty sixteen rix-dollars: for I had taught them that in -such wise they must bring the country-folk on their side, seeing that -such could often help a party out of great difficulties or betray such -another party and bring all to the gallows. From Rehnen we marched to -Münster and thence to Ham, and so home to Soest to our headquarters, -where I after some days received an answer from his reverence, as -follows: "Noble Huntsman,--If he from whom you stole the bacon had -known that you would appear to him in devilish guise, he had not so -often wished to behold the notorious huntsman. But even as the borrowed -meat and bread have been far too dearly paid for, so also is the fright -inflicted the easier to forgive, especially because 'twas caused -(against his will) by so famous a person, who is hereby forgiven, with -the request that he will once more visit without fear him who fears not -to conjure the devil.--Vale." - -And so did I everywhere, and gained much fame: yea, and the more I -gave away and spent, the more the booty flowed in, and I conceived -that I had laid out that ring well, though 'twas worth some hundred -rix-dollars. And so ends this second book. - - - - - - BOOK III - - - - -_Chap. i._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT TOO FAR TO THE LEFT HAND - - -The gentle reader will have understood by the foregoing book how -ambitious I had become in Soest, and that I had sought and found -honour, fame, and favour in deeds which in others had deserved -punishment. And now will I tell how through my folly I let myself be -further led astray, and so lived in constant danger of life and limb; -for I was so busied to gain honour and fame that I could not sleep by -reason of it, and being full of such fancies, and lying awake many a -night to devise new plots and plans, I had many wondrous conceits. In -this wise I contrived a kind of shoes that a man could put on hind part -before, so that the heel came under his toes: and of these at mine own -cost I caused thirty different pairs to be made, and when I had given -these out to my fellows and with them went on a foray, 'twas clean -impossible to follow our tracks: for now would we wear these, and now -again our right shoes on our feet, and the others in our knapsacks. So -that if a man came to a place where I had bidden them change shoes, -'twas for all the world, by the tracks, as if two parties had met -together there and together had vanished away. But if I kept these new -invented shoes on throughout, it seemed as I had gone thither whence in -truth I had come, or had come from the place to which I now went. And -besides this, my tracks were at all times confused, as in a maze, so -that they who should pursue or seek news of me from the footprints -could never come at me. Often I was close by a party of the enemy who -were minded to seek me far away: and still more often miles away from -some thicket which they had surrounded, and were searching in hopes to -find me. And as I managed with my parties on foot, so did I also when -we were on horseback: for to me 'twas simple enough to dismount at -cross-roads and forked ways and there have the horses' shoes set on -hind part before. But the common tricks that soldiers use, being weak -in numbers, to appear from the tracks to be strong, or being strong to -appear weak, these were for me so common and I held them so cheap that -I care not to tell of them. Moreover, I devised an instrument -wherewith if 'twas calm weather I could by night hear a trumpet blow -three hours' march away, could hear a horse neigh or a dog bark at two -hours' distance, and hear men's talk at three miles; which art I kept -secret, and gained thereby great respect, for it seemed to all -incredible. Yet by day was this instrument, which I commonly kept with -a perspective-glass in my breeches pouch, not so useful, even though -'twas in a quiet and lonely place: for with it one could not choose but -hear every sound made by horses and cattle, yea, the smallest bird in -the air and the frog in the water in all the country round, and all -this could be as plainly heard as if one were in the midst of a market -among men and beasts where all do make such noise that for the crying -of one a man cannot understand another. 'Tis true I know well there are -folk who to this day will not believe this: but believe it or not, 'tis -but the truth. With this instrument I can by night know any man that -talks but so loud as his custom is, by his voice, though he be as far -from me as where with a good perspective-glass one could by day know -him by his clothes. Yet can I blame no one if he believe not what I -here write, for none of those would believe me which saw with their own -eyes how I used the said instrument, and would say to them, "I hear -cavalry, for the horses are shod," or "I hear peasants coming, for the -horses are unshod," or "I hear waggoners, but 'tis only peasants; for I -know them by their talk." "Here come musqueteers, and so many, for I -hear the rattling of their bandoliers." "There is a village near by, -for I hear the cocks crow and the dogs bark." "There goes a herd of -cattle; for I hear sheep bleat and cows low and pigs grunt"; and so -forth. Mine own comrades at first would hold this but for vain -boasting, and when they found that all I said proved true in fact, then -all must be witchcraft, and what I said must have been told to me by -the devil and his dam. And so I believe will the gentle reader also -think. Nevertheless by such means did I often escape the adversary when -he had news of me and came to capture me: and I deem that if I had -published this discovery 'twould since have become common, for it would -be of great service in war and notably in sieges. But I return to my -history. - -If I was not needed for a foray, I would go a-stealing, and then were -neither horses, cows, pigs, nor sheep safe from me that I could find -for miles round: for I had a contrivance to put boots or shoes on the -horses and cattle till I came to a frequented road, where none could -trace them: and then I would shoe the horses hind part before, or if -'twas cows and oxen I put shoes on them which to that end I had caused -to be made, and so brought them to a safe place. And the big fat -swine-gentry, which by reason of laziness care not to travel by night, -these I devised a masterly trick to bring away, however much they might -grunt and refuse. For I made a savoury brew with meal and water and -soaked a sponge in it: this I fastened to a strong cord, and let them -for whom I angled swallow that sponge full of the broth, but kept the -cord in my hand, whereupon without further parley they went contentedly -with me and paid their score with hams and sausages. And all I brought -home I faithfully shared both with the officers and my comrades: and so -I got leave to fare forth again, and when my thefts were spied upon and -betrayed, they helped me finely through. For the rest, I deemed myself -far too good to steal from poor men, or rob hen-roosts and filch such -small deer. And with all this I began by little and little to lead an -epicurish life in regard of eating and drinking: for now I had forgot -my hermit's teaching and had none to guide my youth or to whom I might -look up: for my officers shared with me and caroused with me, and they -that should have warned and chastised me rather enticed me to all -vices. By this means I became so godless and wicked that no villainy -was too great for me to compass. But at last I was secretly envied, -specially by my comrades, as having a luckier hand at thieving than any -other, and also by my officers because I cut such a figure, was lucky -in forays, and made for myself a greater name and reputation than they -themselves had. In a word, I am well assured one party or the other -would have sacrificed me had I not spent so much. - - - - -_Chap. ii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN OF SOEST DID RID HIMSELF OF THE HUNTSMAN -OF WESEL - - -Now as I was living in this fashion, and busied with this, namely, to -have me certain devil-masks made and grisly raiment thereto -appertaining with cloven hoofs, by which means to terrify our foes, and -specially to take their goods from our friends unbeknown (for which the -affair of the bacon-stealing gave me the first hint), I had news that a -fellow was at Wesel, which was a renowned partisan, went clad in green, -and under my name practised divers rapes and robberies here and there -in the land, but chiefly among our supporters, so that well-founded -plaints against me were raised, and I must have paid for it smartly, -had I not clearly shewn that at the very time he played these and other -like tricks in my name I was elsewhere. Now this I would not pardon -him, much less suffer him longer to use my name, to plunder in my shape -and so bring me to shame. So with the knowledge of the commandant at -Soest I sent him an invitation to the open field with swords or -pistols. But as he had no heart to appear, I let it be known I would be -revenged on him, even though it were in the very quarters of the -commandant at Wesel, who had failed to punish him. Yea, I said openly -if I found him on a foray I would treat him as an enemy. And that -determined me to let my masks alone with which I had planned to do -great things, to cut my green livery in pieces, and to burn it publicly -in Soest in front of my quarters, to say nothing of all my clothing and -horse harness, which were worth well over a hundred ducats: yea, and in -my wrath I swore that the next that should call me huntsman must either -kill me or die by my hand, should it cost me my life: nor would I ever -again lead a party (for I was not bound to do so, being no officer) -till I had avenged myself on my counterfeit at Wesel. So I kept myself -to myself and did no more any exploits, save that I did my duty as -sentry wheresoever I might be ordered to go, and that I performed as -any malingerer might, and as sleepily as might well be. And this thing -became known in the neighbourhood, and the advance-parties of the enemy -became so bold and assured at this that they every day would bivouac -close to our pickets: and that at last I could endure no longer. Yet -what plagued me most of all was this: that this huntsman of Wesel went -ever on his old way, giving himself out for me and under that name -getting plunder enough and to spare. - -Meanwhile, while all thought I had laid myself to sleep on a bearskin -and should not soon rise from it, I was inquiring of the ways and works -of my counterfeit at Wesel, and found that he not only imitated me in -name and clothing, but was also used to steal by night whenever he -could find a chance: so I woke up again unexpectedly and laid my plans -accordingly. Now I had by little and little trained my two servants -like watch-dogs, and they were so true to me that each at need would -have run through fire for me, for with me they had good food and drink -and gained plenty of booty. One of these I sent to mine enemy at Wesel, -to pretend that because I, that had been his master, was now begun to -live like any idler and had sworn never again to ride on a raid, he -cared not to stay longer with me, but was come to serve him, since -'twas he that had put on the huntsman's dress in his master's stead, -and carried himself like a proper soldier: and he knew, said he, all -highways and byways in the country, and could lay many a plan for him -to gain good booty. My good simple fool believed it all, and let -himself be persuaded to take the fellow into his service. So on a -certain night he went with him and his comrade to a sheepfold to fetch -away a few fat wethers: but there was I and Jump-i'-th'-field my other -servant already in waiting, and had bribed the shepherd to fasten up -his dogs and to suffer the new-comers to burrow their way into the shed -unhindered; for I would say grace for them over their mutton. So when -they had made a hole through the wall, the huntsman of Wesel would have -it that my servant should slip in first: "But," says he, "No, for there -might well be one on the watch that should deal me one on the head: I -see plainly ye know not how to go a-mousing: one must first explore"; -and therewith drew his sword and hung his hat on the point, and pushing -it through the hole again and again, "So," says he, "We shall find out -if the good man be at home or not." This ended, the huntsman of Wesel -was the first to creep through. And with that Jump-i'-th'-field had him -by the arm which held his sword, and asked, would he cry for quarter? -That his fellow heard and would have run for it: but I, who knew not -which was the huntsman, and was swifter of foot than he, overtook him -in a few paces: so I asked him, "Of what party?" Says he, "Of the -emperor's." I asked, "What regiment? I am of the emperor's side: 'tis a -rogue that denies his master!" He answered, "We are of the dragoons of -Soest, and are come to fetch a couple of sheep: I hope, brother, if ye -be of the emperor's party too, ye will let us pass." I answered, "Who -are ye, then, from Soest?" Says he, "My comrade in the shed is the -huntsman." "Then are ye rogues," said I, "or why do ye plunder -your own quarters? The huntsman of Soest is no such fool as to let -himself be taken in a sheep-fold." "Nay, from Wesel I should have -said," says he: but while we thus disputed together came my servant and -Jump-i'-th'-field to us with my adversary: and, "Lookye," says I, "Is -it thus we come together, thou honourable rascal, thou? Were it not -that I respect the emperor's arms which thou hast undertaken to bear -against the enemy, I would incontinently send a ball through thy head: -till now I have been the huntsman of Soest, and thee I count for a -rogue unless thou take one of these swords here present and measurest -the other with me soldier-fashion." And with that my servant (who, like -Jump-i'-th'-field, had on horrible devil's apparel with goat's horns) -laid a couple of swords at our feet which I had brought from Soest, and -gave the huntsman of Wesel the choice, to take which he would: whereat -the poor huntsman was so dismayed that it fared with him as with me at -Hanau when I spoiled the dance: he and his comrade trembled like wet -dogs, fell on their knees, and begged for pardon. But Jump-i'-th'-field -growled out, as 'twere from the inside of a hollow pot, "Nay, ye must -fight, or I will break the neck of ye." "O honourable sir devil," says -the huntsman, "I came not here to fight: oh, deliver me from this, -master devil, and I will do what thou wilt." So as he talked thus -wildly, my servant put one sword in his hand and gave me the other: yet -he trembled so sore he could not hold it. Now the moon was bright, and -the shepherd and his men could see and hear all from out their hut: so -I called to him to come, that I might have a witness of this bargain: -but when he came, he made as though he saw not the two in devils' -disguise, and said, what cause had I to bicker so long with these two -fellows in his sheepfold: if I had aught to settle with them, I might -do it elsewhere: for our business concerned him not at all: he paid his -"Conterbission" regularly every month, and hoped, therefore, he might -live in peace with his sheep. To the two fellows he said, why did they -so suffer one man to plague them, and did not knock me on the head at -once. "Why," said I, "thou rascal, they would have stolen thy sheep." -"Then let the devil wring their necks for them," says the peasant, and -away he went. With that I would come to the fighting again: but my poor -huntsman could, for sheer terror, no longer keep his feet, so that I -pitied him: yea, he and his comrade uttered such piteous plaints that, -in a word, I forgave and pardoned him all. But Jump-i'-th'-field would -not so be satisfied, but scratched the huntsman so grievously in the -face that he looked as he had been at dinner with the cats, and with -this poor revenge I must be content. So the huntsman vanished from -Wesel, for he was sore shamed: inasmuch as his comrade declared -everywhere, and confirmed it with horrible oaths, that I had in real -truth two devils in the flesh that waited on me; and so was I more -feared, and contrariwise less loved. - - - - -_Chap. iii._: HOW THE GREAT GOD JUPITER WAS CAPTURED AND HOW HE -REVEALED THE COUNSELS OF THE GODS - - -Of that I was soon aware: and therefore did I do away my godless way of -life and give myself over to religion and good living. 'Tis true I -would ride on forays as before, yet now I shewed myself so courteous -and kindly towards friend and foe, that all I had to deal with deemed -it must be a different man from him they had heard of. Nay, more, I -made an end of my superfluous expense, and got together many bright -ducats and jewels which I hid here and there in hollow trees in the -country round Soest; for so the well-known fortune-teller in that town -advised me, and told me likewise I had more enemies in Soest and in -mine own regiment than outside the town and in the enemy's garrisons: -and these, said she, were all plotting against me and my money. And -when 'twas noised in this place or that, that the huntsman was off and -away, presently I was all unexpectedly at the elbow of them that so -flattered themselves, and before one village was rightly certain that I -had done mischief in another, itself found that I was close at hand: -for I was everywhere like a whirlwind, now here now there: so that I -was more talked of than ever, and others gave themselves out to be me. - -Now it happened that I lay with twenty-five musquets not far from -Dorsten and waited for a convoy that should come to the town: and as -was my wont, I stood sentry myself as being near the enemy. To me there -came a man all alone, very well dressed and flourishing a cane he had -in his hand in strange wise: nor could I understand aught he said but -this, "Once for all will I punish the world, that will not render me -divine honours." From that I guessed this might be some mighty prince -that went thus disguised to find out his subjects' ways and works, and -now proposed duly to punish the same, as not having found them to his -liking. So I thought, "If this man be of the opposite party, it means a -good ransom; but if not, thou canst treat him so courteously and so -charm away his heart that he shall be profitable to thee all thy life -long." - -With that I leapt out upon him, presented my gun at him at full-cock, -and says I, "Your worship will please to walk before me into yonder -wood if he will not be treated as an enemy." So he answered very -gravely, "To such treatment my likes are not accustomed": but I pushed -him very politely along and, "Your honour," said I, "will not for once -refuse to bow to the necessities of the times." So when I had brought -him safely to my people in the wood and had set my sentries again, I -asked him who he was: to which he answered very haughtily I need not -ask that, for I knew already he was a great god. I thought he might -perhaps know me, and might be a nobleman of Soest that thus spoke to -rally me; for 'tis the custom to jeer at the people of Soest about -their great idol with the golden apron: but soon I was aware that -instead of a prince I had caught a madman, one that had studied too -much and gone mad over poetry: for when he grew a little more -acquainted with me he told me plainly he was the great god Jupiter -himself. - -Now did I heartily wish I had never made this capture: but since I had -my fool, there I must needs keep him till we should depart: so, as the -time otherwise would have been tedious, I thought I would humour the -fellow and make his gifts of use to me; so I said to him, "Now, -worshipful Jove, how comes it that thy high divinity thus leaves his -heavenly throne and descends to earth? Forgive, O Jupiter, my question, -which thou mightest deem one of curiosity: for we be also akin to the -heavenly gods and nought but wood-spirits, born of fauns and nymphs, to -whom this secret shall ever remain a secret." "I swear to thee by the -Styx," answered Jupiter, "thou shouldst not know a word of the secret -wert thou not so like to my cup-bearer Ganymede, even wert thou Paris's -own son: but for his sake I communicate to thee this, that a great -outcry concerning the sins of the world is come up to me through the -clouds: upon which 'twas decided in the council of all the gods that I -could justly destroy all the world with a flood: but inasmuch as I have -always had a special favour to the human race, and moreover at all -times shew kindness rather than severity, I am now wandering around to -learn for myself the ways and works of men: and though I find all worse -than I expected, yet am I not minded to destroy all men at once and -without distinction, but to punish only those that deserve punishment -and thereafter to bend the remainder to my will." - -I must needs laugh, yet checked myself, and said, "Alas, Jupiter, thy -toil and trouble will be, I fear, all in vain unless thou punish the -world with water, as before, or with fire: for if thou sendest a war, -thither run together all vile and abandoned rogues that do but torment -peaceable and pious men. An thou sendest a famine, 'tis but a godsend -for the usurers, for then is their corn most valuable: and if thou -sendest a pestilence, then the greedy and all the rest of mankind do -find their account, for then do they inherit much. So must thou destroy -the whole world root and branch, if thou wilt punish at all." - - - - -_Chap. iv._: OF THE GERMAN HERO THAT SHALL CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD AND -BRING PEACE TO ALL NATIONS - - -So Jupiter answered, "Thou speakest of the matter like a mere man, as -if thou didst not know that 'tis possible for us gods so to manage -things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved: I -will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of -the sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the -righteous." "Yea," said I, "but such a hero must needs have soldiers, -and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the -innocent suffer as well as the guilty." "Oho;" says Jupiter, "be ye -earthly gods minded like earthly men, that ye can understand so little? -For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and -yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a -body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the -full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding: to this shall Venus -add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus, Adonis, and even my -Ganymede: and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts, -dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by -all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the -hour of his birth. Mercury, too, shall endow him with incomparable -cleverness, and the inconstant moon shall be to him not harmful but -useful, for she shall implant in him an invincible swiftness: Pallas -Athene shall rear him on Parnassus, and Vulcan shall, under the -influence of Mars, forge for him his weapons, and specially a sword -with which he shall conquer the whole world and make an end of all the -godless, without the help of a single man as a soldier: for he shall -need no assistance. Every town shall tremble at his coming, and every -fortress otherwise unconquerable he shall have in his power in the -first quarter of an hour: in a word, he shall have the rule over the -greatest potentates of the world, and so nobly bear sway over earth and -sea that both gods and men shall rejoice thereat." - -"Yea," said I, "but how can the destruction of all the godless and rule -over the whole world be accomplished without specially great power and -a strong arm? O Jupiter, I tell thee plainly I can understand these -things less than any mere mortal man." "At that," says Jupiter, "I -marvel not: for thou knowest not what power my hero's sword will have; -Vulcan shall make it of the same materials of which he doth forge my -thunderbolts, and so direct its virtues that my hero, if he do but draw -it and wave it in the air, can cut off the heads of a whole armada, -though they be hidden behind a mountain or be a whole Swiss mile -distant from him, and so the poor devils shall lie there without heads -before they know what has befallen them. And when he shall begin his -triumphal progress and shall come before a town or a fortress, then -shall he use Tamburlaine's vein, and for a sign that he is there for -peace and for the furthering of all good shall shew a white flag: then -if they come forth to him and are content, 'tis well: if not, then will -he draw his sword, and by its virtue, as before described, will hew off -the heads of all enchanters and sorceresses throughout the town, and -then raise a red flag: then if they be still obstinate, he shall -destroy all murderers, usurers, thieves, rogues, adulterers, whores, -and knaves in the said manner, and then hoist a black flag: whereupon -if those that yet remain in the town refuse to come to him and humbly -submit, then shall he destroy the whole town as a stiff-necked and -disobedient folk: yet shall he only execute them that have hindered the -others, and been the cause that the people would not submit. So shall -he go from country to country, and give each town the country that lies -around it to rule in peace, and from each town in all Germany choose -out two of the wisest and learnedest men to form his parliament, shall -reconcile the towns with each other for ever, shall do away all -villenage, and also all tolls, excises, interest, taxes, and octrois -throughout Germany, and take such order that none shall ever again hear -of forced work, watch-duties, contributions, benevolences, war-taxes, -and other burdens of the people, but that men shall live happier than -in the Elysian fields. And then," says Jupiter, "will I often assemble -all Olympus and come down to visit the Germans, to delight myself among -their vines and fig-trees: and there will I set Helicon on their -borders and establish the Muses anew thereon: Germany will I bless with -all plenty, yea, more than Arabia Felix, Mesopotamia, and the land of -Damascus: then will I forswear the Greek language, and only speak -German; and, in a word, shew myself so good a German that in the end I -shall grant to them, as once I did to the Romans, the rule over all the -earth." - -"But," said I, "great Jupiter, what will princes and lords say to this, -if this future hero so violently take from them their rights and hand -them over to the towns? Will they not resist with force, or at least -protest against it before gods and men?" - -"The hero," answered Jupiter, "will trouble himself little on that -score: he will divide all the great into three classes: them which have -lived wickedly and set an evil example he will punish together with the -commons, for no earthly power can withstand his sword: to the rest he -will give the choice whether to stay in the land or not. They that love -their fatherland and abide must live like the commons, but the German -people's way of living shall then be more plentiful and comfortable -than is now the life and household of a king; yea, they shall be one -and all like Fabricius, that would not share King Pyrrhus his kingdom -because he loved his country and honour and virtue too much: and so -much for the second class. But as to the third, which will still be -lords and rulers, them will he lead through Hungary and Italy into -Moldavia, Wallachia, into Macedonia, Thrace and Greece, yea, over the -Hellespont into Asia, and conquer these lands for them, give them as -helpers all them that live by war in all Germany, and make them all -kings. Then will he take Constantinople in one day, and lay the heads -of all Turks that will not be converted and become obedient before -their feet: then will he again set up the Roman Empire, and so betake -himself again to Germany, and with his lords of Parliament (whom, as I -have said, he shall choose in pairs from every city in Germany, and -name them the chiefs and fathers of his German Fatherland) build a city -in the midst of Germany that shall be far greater than Manoah[21] in -America, and richer than was Jerusalem in Solomon's time, whose walls -shall be as high as the mountains of Tirol and its ditches as broad as -the sea between Spain and Africa. And there will he build a temple -entirely of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires, and in the -treasury that he shall there build will he gather together rarities -from the whole world out of the gifts that the kings in China and in -Persia, the great Mogul in the East Indies, the great Khan of Tartary, -Prester John in Africa, and the great Czar in Muscovy will send to him. -Yea, the Turkish emperor would be yet more ready to serve him if it -were not that my hero will have taken his empire from him and given it -as a fief to the Roman emperor." - -Then I asked my friend Jupiter what in such case would become of the -Christian kings. So he answered, "Those of England, Sweden, and Denmark -(because they are of German race and descent), and those of Spain, -France, and Portugal (because the Germans of old conquered and ruled in -those lands), shall receive their crowns, kingdoms, and incorporated -lands in fee as fiefs of the German nation, and then will there be, as -in Augustus's time, a perpetual peace between all nations." - - - - -_Chap. v._: HOW HE SHALL RECONCILE ALL RELIGIONS AND CAST THEM IN THE -SAME MOULD - - -Now Jump-i'-th'-field, who also listened to us, had wellnigh enraged -Jupiter and spoiled the whole affair; for said he, "Yea, yea; and then -'twill be in Germany as in fairyland, where it rains muscatels and -nought else, and where twopenny pies grow in the night like mushrooms: -and I too shall have to eat with both cheeks full at once like a -thresher, and drink myself blind with Malvoisie." "Yea, truly," said -Jupiter, "and that the more because I will curse thee with the undying -hunger of Erysichthon, for methinks thou art one of them that do deride -my majesty," and to me said he, "I deemed I was among wood-spirits -only: but meseems I have chanced upon a Momus or a Zoilus, the most -envious creatures in the world. Is one to reveal to such traitors the -decrees of heaven and so to cast pearls before swine?" So I saw plainly -he would not willingly brook laughter, and therefore kept down mine own -as best I could, and "Most gracious Jupiter," said I, "thou wilt not, -by reason of a rude forest-god's indiscretion, conceal from thy -Ganymede how things are further to happen in Germany." "No, no," said -he, "but I command this mocker, who is like to Theon, to bridle his -evil tongue in future, lest I turn him to a stone as Mercury did -Battus. But do thou confess to me thou art truly my Ganymede, and that -my jealous Juno hath driven thee from heaven in my absence." So I -promised to tell him all when I should have heard what I desired to -know. Thereupon, "Dear Ganymede," says he, "for deny not that thou art -he--in those days shall gold-making be as common in Germany as is -pot-making now, and every horse-boy shall carry the philosophers' stone -about with him." "Yea," said I, "but how can Germany be so long in -peace with all these different religions? Will not the opposing clergy -urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?" "No, no," says Jupiter, -"my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all -things to unite all Christian religions in the world." "O wonderful," -said I, "that were indeed a great work! How could it come about?" "I -will with all my heart reveal it to thee," answered Jupiter, "for after -my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads -of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving -speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most -pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a -general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such -according to his own great wisdom. Then will he gather together the -most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions -and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two -translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, where one can consider -weighty matters undisturbed, and there provide them all with meat and -drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and -yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside -the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down -in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian -religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition, -the recognised sense of the Fathers. At which time Pluto will sorely -scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom: yea, and will -devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an 'and,' and if not -to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it _sine die_, that -is for ever. So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his -order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and -aught else that might sway his inclinations. But my brave hero also -will not be idle: he will so long as this council shall last have all -the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray -without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the -Spirit of Truth. And if he shall see that one or another doth allow -himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole assembly -with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete -so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the -gallows, or shew them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness, -but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the -business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with -their stiff-necked false doctrines. So when unity is arrived at, then -will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this -purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with -pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him -to Pluto as a New Year's gift. And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all -thou didst desire to know: and now tell me in turn the reason why thou -hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of -nectar." - - - - -_Chap. vi._: HOW THE EMBASSY OF THE FLEAS FARED WITH JUPITER - - -Now methought 'twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he -pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to -escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a passion, for -in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, "The -reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so -took Daedalus's wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I -came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for -Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all -the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have -lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy, -adulterous caperer after woman-kind; how canst thou then, punish the -world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass -Mars's adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting -cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchastity -the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another -with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber; -Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander; -Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole -crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged -nowhere but in Augeas's stable, which even without them stinks in the -nostrils of all the world." - -"Aha;" says Jupiter, "and who would wonder if I laid aside my -graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous -liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and -beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst -like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount -Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in -Phalaris's red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these -plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora's -box anew and empty it upon the rogues' heads: then Nemesis shall wake -the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow -Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves, -and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then -will I bind them fast with Hesiod and Homer to a pillar in hell and -there have them chastised for ever without pity by the Furies." - -Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he -had upon him: for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore. -And as he did so he cried, "Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear -to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire." -So I asked him what he meant by such words. He answered, the nation of -the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their -ambassadors to compliment him: and there had complained to him that, -though he had assigned to them the dogs' coats as a dwelling, yet on -account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went -astray and trespassed on the ladies' furs; and such poor wandering -creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only -murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their -fingers that it might move the heart of a stone. "Yea," said Jupiter -further, "they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously -that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help, -yet on condition I should first hear the women: to that they objected -that if 'twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to oppose -them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either -impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas -themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me -and lead me astray to a wrong judgment. But if I must allow the women -to hunt, catch, and with the hunters' privilege to slay them in their -preserves, then their petition was that they might in future be -executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a pole-axe like -oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed -between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their -own limbs were made instruments of torture." "Gentlemen," said I, "ye -must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye." "Yea, -truly," said they, "they be so envious of us. Is it right? Can they not -suffer us in their territories? for many of them so cleanse their -lap-dogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that -we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings." -Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel -their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly: -and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen, -I must again be rid of them. I will give them a privilege, but only -this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as much as they -will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him -no better. - - - - -_Chap. vii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN AGAIN SECURED HONOUR AND BOOTY - - -Now might we not laugh as heartily as we would, both because we -must keep quiet and because this good fool liked it not: wherefore -Jump-i'-th'-field came nigh to burst. And just then our look-out man -that we had posted in a tree called to us that he saw somewhat -coming afar off. So I climbed the tree myself, and saw through my -perspective-glass it must be the carriers for whom we lay in wait: they -had no one on foot, but some thirty odd troopers for escort, and so I -might easily judge they would not go through the wood wherein we lay, -but would do their best to keep the open, and there we should have no -advantage over them, though there was even there an awkward piece of -road that led through the clearing some six hundred paces from us, and -three hundred paces from the end of the wood or hill. Now it vexed me -to have lain there so long for nought, or at best to have captured only -a fool; and so I quickly laid me another plan and that turned out well. -For from our place of ambush there ran a brook in a cleft of the -ground, which it was easy to ride along, down to the level country: the -mouth of this I occupied with twenty men, took my post with them, and -bade Jump-i'-th'-field stay in the place where we had been posted to -advantage, and ordered each one of my fellows, when the escort should -come, that each should aim at his man, and commanded also that some -should shoot and some should hold their fire for a reserve. Some old -veterans perceived what I intended and how I guessed that the escort -would come that way, as having no cause for caution, and because -certainly no peasant had been in such a place for a hundred years. But -others that believed I could bewitch (for at that time I was in great -reputation on that account) thought I would conjure the enemy into our -hands. Yet here I needed no devil's arts, only my Jump-i'-th'-field; -for even as the escort, riding pretty close together, was just about to -pass by us, he began at my order to bellow most horribly like an ox, -and to neigh like a horse; till the whole wood echoed therewith and any -man would have sworn there were horses and cattle there. So when the -escort heard that they thought to gain booty and to snap up somewhat, -which yet was hard to find in such a country so laid waste. So -altogether they rode so hard and disorderly into our ambush as if each -would be the first to get the hardest blow, and this made them ride so -close that in the first salute we gave them thirteen saddles were -emptied, and some that fell were crushed under the horses' hoofs. Then -came Jump-i'-th'-field leaping down the ravine and crying, "Huntsman -here!" At this the fellows were yet more terrified and so dismayed that -they would ride neither backward, forward nor sideways, but leapt down -and tried to escape on foot. Yet I had them all seventeen prisoners -with the lieutenant that had commanded them, and then attacked the -waggons, where I unharnessed four-and-twenty horses, and yet got only a -few bales of silk and holland: for I dared not spare the time to -plunder the dead, far less to search the waggons well, for the -waggoners were up and away on the horses as soon as the action began, -and so might I be betrayed at Dorsten, and caught again on the way -back. So when we had packed up our plunder comes Jupiter from the wood -and cried to us, "Would his Ganymede desert him?" I answered him, yes, -if he would not grant the fleas the privilege they demanded. "Sooner," -says he, "would I see them all lying in hell-fires." At that I must -needs laugh, and because in any case I had horses to spare I had him -set on one: yet as he could ride no better than a tailor, I must have -him bound upon his horse: and then he told us our skirmish had reminded -him of that of the Lapithae and the centaurs at Pirithous' wedding. So -when all was over and we galloping away with our prisoners as if we -were pursued, the lieutenant we had captured began to consider what a -fault he had committed, as having delivered so bold a troop of riders -into the hand of the enemy and given over thirteen brave fellows to be -butchered, and so, being desperate, he refused the quarter I had given -him, and would fain have compelled me to have him shot; for he thought -that not only would this mistake turn to his great shame, and he be -answerable, but also would hinder his advancement, even if it came not -to this, that he must pay for his error with his head. So I talked with -him and shewed him that with many a good soldier inconstant fortune had -played her tricks; yet had I never seen any one that therefore had been -driven desperate, and that so to act were a sign of faintheartedness: -for brave soldiers were ever devising how to make up for losses -sustained; nor should he ever bring me to break my plighted word or to -commit so shameful a deed against all righteousness and against the -custom and tradition of honourable soldiers. When he saw I would not do -it he began to revile me in the hope to move me to anger, and said I -had not fought with him honestly and openly, but like a rogue and a -footpad, and had stolen the lives of his soldiers like a thief: and at -this his own fellows that we had captured were mightily afraid, and -mine so wroth that they would have riddled him like a sieve if I had -allowed it; and I had enough to do to prevent it. Yet I was in no wise -moved at his talk, but called both friend and foe to witness of what -happened, and had him bound and guarded as a madman, but promised him -so soon as we came to our camp, and if my officers permitted, to equip -him with mine own horses and weapons, of which he should have the -choice, and prove to him in open field, with sword and pistol, that -'twas allowed in war to use craft against the adversary: and asked him -why he had not stayed with the waggons, which he was ordered to do; or, -if he must needs see what was in the wood, why he had not made a proper -reconnaissance, which had been better for him than now to begin to play -fool's tricks to which no one would take heed. Herein both friend and -foe approved me right, and said that among a hundred partisans they had -never met one that would not for such words of reviling have not only -shot the lieutenant dead, but would have sent all the prisoners to the -grave after him. - -So next morning I brought my prisoners and plunder safely to Soest, and -gained more honour and fame from this foray than ever before: for each -one said, "This will prove another young John de Werth[22]"; which -tickled me greatly. Yet would not the commandant permit me to exchange -shots or to fight with the lieutenant: for he said I had twice overcome -him. And the more my triumphs thus increased the more grew the envy of -those that in any case would have grudged me my luck. - - - - -_Chap. viii._: HOW HE FOUND THE DEVIL IN THE TROUGH, AND HOW -JUMP-I'-TH'-FIELD GOT FINE HORSES - - -Now I could by no means be rid of my Jupiter: for the commandant would -have none of him, as a pigeon not worth the plucking, but said he made -me a free gift of him. So now I had a fool of mine own and needed to -buy none, though a year before I must needs allow others to treat me as -such. So wondrous is fortune and so changeable the times! Even now had -the lice troubled me, and now had I the very god of fleas in my power; -half a year before was I serving a miserable dragoon as page, and now I -had command of two servants that called me master; and so I reflected -at times that nothing is so certain in this world as its uncertainty. -And so must I fear if ever Fortune should let loose her hornets upon me -it would altogether overwhelm my present happiness. - -Now just then Count von der Wahl, as colonel in command of the -Westphalian circle, was collecting troops from all the garrisons to -make a cavalry expedition through the bishopric of Münster towards the -Vecht, Meppen, Lingen and such places, but specially to drive off two -companies of Hessian troopers in the bishopric of Paderborn that lay -two miles from the city and had there done our people much damage. So -was I ordered out with our dragoons, and when a few troops had been -collected at Ham we beat up the quarters of the said troopers, which -were but an ill-protected village, till the rest of our people came. -They tried to escape, but we drove them back into their nest, and -offered them to let them go without horse or weapons but with the -clothes on their backs; to this they would not agree, but would defend -themselves with their carbines like musqueteers. So it came to that, -that in the same night I must try what luck I had in storming, for the -dragoons led the way; and my luck was so good that I, together with -Jump-i'-th'-field, was among the first to come into the town, and that -without hurt, and we soon cleared the streets; for all that bore arms -were cut down, and the citizens had no stomach for fighting; so we -entered the houses. Then said Jump-i'-th'-field, we should choose a -house before which a big heap of dung stood, for in such the rich -curmudgeons were wont to dwell, with whom commonly officers were -billeted: on such a one we seized, and there Jump-i'-th'-field would -first visit the stable and I the house, on the condition each should -share with the other whatever he could lay hands on. So then each lit -his torch, and I called to the master of the house but had no answer, -for all had hid themselves, but came upon a room wherein was nought but -an empty bed and a covered kneading-trough. This I knocked open in -hopes to find somewhat valuable, but as I raised the cover a coal-black -thing rose up against me which I took for Lucifer himself. Nay, I can -swear I was never in my life so terrified as I was then, when I so -unawares beheld this black devil. "May all the powers of hell take -thee," I cried in my fear, and raised my hatchet wherewith I had broke -open the trough, yet had not the heart to split the creature's skull: -so down he knelt, raised his hands to me, and says he, "O massa, I beg -by de good God, gib me my life." With that I first knew 'twas no devil, -for he spake of God and begged for his life; so I bade him get out of -his trough: and that he did as naked as God made him. Then I cut a -piece of my torch off for him to light me, the which he did obediently, -and brought me to a little room wherein I found the master of the -house, who, together with his people, was looking on at this merry -sight, and begged with trembling for mercy. And that he easily came by, -for in any case we might not harm the burghers, and besides he handed -me over the baggage of the Hessian captain, among which was a fairly -well-furnished, locked portmanteau, telling me the said captain and all -his people, save one servant and the negro now present, were gone to -their posts to defend themselves. Meanwhile Jump-i'-th'-field had made -prize of the said servant and six fine saddle-horses in the stable: -these we brought into the house, barred the doors, and bade the negro -to put on his clothes; and told the burgher what story he should tell -to his captain. But when the gate was opened and the posts occupied, -and our general of ordnance, Count von der Wahl, was admitted, he -lodged his staff in the very house where we were. So in dark night -we must needs seek other quarters; and these we found with our -comrades who had come in with the storming-parties: with them we made -merry and spent the rest of the night in eating and drinking, when -Jump-i'-th'-field and I had divided our booty. For my share I received -the negro and the two best horses, of which one was a Spanish one, on -which any soldier might meet his enemy, and with this thereafter I made -no small show; but out of the portmanteau I got divers costly rings, -and in a golden case set with rubies the Prince of Orange's portrait -(for all the rest I left to Jump-i'-th'-field), so that the whole, if I -had desired to give it away, would with the horses have stood me in 200 -ducats: since for the negro, that was the poorest part of my booty, the -Master-General of Ordnance to whom I presented him gave me two dozen -thalers. - -Thence we marched quickly to the Ems, yet accomplished but little: and -as it happened that we came near Recklinghausen, I took leave, together -with Jump-i'-th'-field, to speak with my pastor from whom I had stolen -the bacon. With him I made merry and told him the negro had made me -feel the same terror which he and his cook had felt, and presented him, -moreover, with a fine striking watch for a friendly remembrance, which -I had had out of the captain's portmanteau: and so did I take care to -make friends in all places of them that would otherwise have had cause -to hate me. - - - - -_Chap. ix._: OF AN UNEQUAL COMBAT IN WHICH THE WEAKEST WINS THE DAY AND -THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED - - -But with my good fortune my pride so increased that in the end it could -bring me nothing but a fall. For as we were encamped some half-hour -from Rehnen, I had leave to go into the town with my dear comrade, -there to have those arms furbished up which we had just received. And -as it was our intent to be right merry with each other, we turned in to -the best inn, and had minstrels sent for, to play our wine and beer -down our throat. So we fell to drinking and roaring; and no sport was -wanting, which could make the money fly: nay, I invited also lads from -other regiments to be my guests, and so carried myself as a young -prince who has command of land and folk and great sums to spend by the -year. And thus we fared better than was pleasing to a company of -troopers who sat there also at table, but with no such mad tricks as -we. So, being angry, they began to jest upon us, "How comes it," said -they to one another, "that these prop-hoppers[23]" (for they took us -for musqueteers, seeing that no animal in the world is more like a -musqueteer than is a dragoon, and if a dragoon fall from his horse he -rises up a musqueteer) "can make such a show with their halfpence?" -"Yonder lad," answered another, "is surely some straw-squire whose -mother hath sent him the milk-pence, and those he now spends upon his -comrades, that some time they may pull him out of the mud or through a -ditch." With which words they aimed at me, for they took me for a young -nobleman. Of such talk the maid that waited brought me private news: -yet since I heard it not myself, I could do no more than fill a great -beer-glass with wine and let it go round to the health of all good -musqueteers, and at every round made such a hubbub that none could hear -himself speak. And this vexed them yet more, so that they said aloud, -"What in the devil's name have these prop-hoppers for an easy life of -it!" Whereupon Jump-i-'th'-field answered, "And what matters that to -the bootblacks?" This passed well enough; for he looked so big and held -so fierce and threatening a carriage that no one cared to give him the -rub. Yet he must again fall foul of them, and this time of a fellow of -some consideration, who answered, "Ay, and if these loiterers could not -so swagger here on their own dung-hill (for he thought we lay there in -garrison, because our clothes seemed not so weather-beaten as those of -the poor musqueteers who must lie day and night in open field), where -could they show themselves? Who knows not that any of them in the -battlefield is as surely the booty of the troopers as is the pigeon of -the hawk?" But I answered him, "It is our business to take cities -and fortresses, whereas ye troopers, if ye come but to the poorest -rat's-nest of a town, can there drive no dog out of his den. Why may we -not then have your good leave to make merry in that which is more ours -than yours?" The trooper answered, "Him who is master in the field the -fortresses must follow after: and that we troopers are masters in the -field is proved by this: that I for myself not only fear not three such -babes as thee, musquet and all, but could stick a couple such in my -hat-band, and then ask the third where there were more to be found. And -if I now sat by thee," said he with scorn, "I would bestow on my young -squire a couple of buffets to prove the truth of this." - -"Yea," said I, "and though I have as good a pair of pistols as thou, -notwithstanding I am no trooper, but only a bastard between such and -the musqueteers, yet, look you, even a child hath heart enough to shew -himself alone in open field against such a bully on horseback as thou -art, and against all thine armoury." - -"Aha; thou swaggerer," said the fellow, "I hold thee for a rascal if -thou make not good thy words forthwith as becomes an honourable -nobleman." - -So I threw him my glove and, "See then," said I, "if I get this not -from thee in fair field with my musquet only and on foot, so hast thou -right and good leave to hold and to reproach me for such a one as thy -presumption has even now named me." - -Then we paid the reckoning and the trooper made ready his carbine and -pistols, and I my musquet: and as he rode away with his comrades to the -place agreed upon he told my comrade Jump-i'-th'-field he might order -my grave. So he answered him he had better give it in charge to one of -his own fellows that he might order such for him. Yet thereafter he -rebuked me for my presumption, and said plainly he feared I should now -play my last tune. But I did but laugh, for I had long since devised a -plan how to encounter the best mounted of troopers, if ever such an one -should attack me in the open field, though armed only with my musquet -and on foot. So when we came to the place where this beggar's dance -should be, I had my musquet already loaded with two balls, and put in -fresh priming and smeared the cover of the pan with tallow as careful -musqueteers be wont to do, to guard the touch-hole and powder in the -pan from damp in rainy weather. - -Before we engaged, our comrades on both sides agreed that we should -fight in open field, and to that end that we should start, one from the -East, the other from the West, in a fenced plot; and thereafter each -should do his best against the other as a soldier would do in face of -the enemy; and that no one should help either party before or during or -after the fight, either to succour his comrade, or to avenge his death -or hurt. So when they had thus engaged themselves with word and hand, I -and my opposite gave each other our hand upon this, that each would -forgive the other his death. In all which most unreasonable folly that -ever a man of sense could entertain, each hoped to gain for his arm of -the service the advantage, for all the world as if the entire honour -and reputation of one or the other, depended upon the outcome of our -devilish undertaking. - -Now as I entered the stricken field at my appointed end with my match -alight at both ends, and saw my adversary before my eyes, I made as if -I shook out the old priming as I walked. Yet I did not so, but spread -priming powder only on the cover of the pan, blew up my match, and -passed my two fingers over the pan, as is the custom, and before I -could see the white of the eyes of my opposite, who kept me well in -sight, I took aim, and set fire to the false priming powder on the -cover of the pan. Then the enemy, believing that my musquet had missed -fire and that the touch-hole was stopped, rode straight down upon me -pistol in hand, and all too anxious to pay me there and then for my -presumption, but before he was aware I had the pan open and shut again, -and gave him such a welcome that ball and fall came together. - -Then I returned to my fellows, who received me with embraces; but his -comrades, freeing his foot from the stirrup, dealt with him and -with us as honest fellows, for they returned me my glove with all -praise. But even when I deemed my reputation to be at its height, came -five-and-twenty musqueteers from Rehnen, who laid me and my comrades by -the heels. Then presently I was clapped in chains and sent to -headquarters, for all duels were forbidden on pain of death. - - - - -_Chap. x._: HOW THE MASTER-GENERAL OF ORDNANCE GRANTED THE HUNTSMAN HIS -LIFE AND HELD OUT HOPES TO HIM OF GREAT THINGS - - -Now as our General of Ordnance was wont to keep strict discipline, I -looked to lose my head: yet had I hopes to escape, because I had at so -early an age ever carried myself well against the enemy, and gained -great name and fame for courage. Yet was this hope uncertain because, -by reason of such things happening daily, 'twas necessary to make an -example. Our men had but just beat up a dangerous nest of rats, and -demanded a surrender, yet had received a denial; for the enemy knew we -had no heavy artillery. For that reason Count von der Wahl appeared -with all our force before the said place, demanded a surrender once -more by a trumpeter, and threatened to storm the town. Yet all he got -thereby was the writing that here followeth: - - -"High and well-born Count, &c.,--From your Excellency's letter to me I -understand what you suggest to me in the name of his Imperial Roman -Majesty. Now your Excellency, with his great understanding, must be -well aware how improper, nay unjustifiable, it were for a soldier to -surrender a place like this to the adversary without especial -necessity. For which reason your Excellency will not, I hope, blame me -if I wait till his means of attack are sufficient. But if your -Excellency have occasion to employ my small powers in any services but -those touching my allegiance, I shall ever be, - - "Your Excellency's most obedient servant, - - "N. N." - - -Thereupon was much discussion in our camp about this place; for to -leave it alone was not to be thought on: to storm it without a breach -would have cost much blood, and 'twould have been uncertain even then -whether we should succeed or not: and if we had to fetch our heavy -pieces and all their equipment from Münster and Ham, 'twould cost much -time, trouble, and expense. So while great and small were hard at work -a-reasoning, it came into my head that I should use this opportunity to -get free: so I set all my wits to work, and reflected how one might -cheat the enemy, seeing 'twas only the cannon that were wanted. And -pretty soon I had devised a trick and let my lieutenant-colonel know I -had plans by which the place could be secured without trouble and -expense, if only I could be pardoned and set free. Yet some old and -tried soldiers laughed and said, "Drowning men catch at straws; and -this good fellow thinks to talk himself out of gaol." - -But the lieutenant-colonel himself, with others that knew me, listened -to my words as to an article of belief; wherefore he went himself to -the Master-General of the Ordnance and laid before him my plan, with -the recital, moreover, of many things that he could tell of me: and -inasmuch as the Count had already heard of the Huntsman, he had me -brought before him and for so long loosed from my bonds. He was set at -table when I came, and my lieutenant-colonel told him how the spring -before, having stood my first hour as sentry under St. James's Gate at -Soest, a heavy rain with thunder and wind had suddenly come on, and -when, each running from the fields and the gardens into the town, there -was great press of foot and horse, I had had the wit to call out the -guard, because in such a tumult a town was easiest to take. "At last," -said the lieutenant-colonel further, "came an old woman dripping wet, -and said even as she passed by the huntsman, 'Yea, I have felt this -storm in my back for a fortnight.' So the huntsman, hearing this and -having a rod in his hand, smote her with it over the shoulder, and says -he, 'Thou old witch, couldst thou not let it loose before; must thou -wait till I stood sentry?' And when his officer rebuked him he -answered, 'She is rightly served: the old carrion crow had heard a -month ago how all were crying out for rain: why did she not let honest -folk have it before? It had been better for the barley and hops.'" - -At this the general, though he was in general a stern man, laughed -heartily; but I thought, "If the colonel tell him of such fools' -tricks, surely he will not have failed to speak of my other devices." -So I was brought in, and when the general asked what was my plan I -answered, "Gracious sir, although my fault and your Excellency's order -and prohibition do both deny me my life, yet my most humble loyalty, -which is due from me towards his Imperial Majesty, my most gracious -Lord, even to the death, bids me so far as lies in my weak power yet do -the enemy a damage, and further the interests and arms of his Majesty." -So the general cut me short, and says he, "Didst thou not lately give -me the negro?" "Yea, gracious sir," said I. Then said he, "Well, thy -zeal and loyalty might perhaps serve to spare thy life: but what plan -hast thou to bring the enemy out of this place without great loss in -time and men?" So I answered, "Since the town cannot resist heavy -artillery, my humble opinion is that the enemy would soon come to terms -if he did but really believe we had such pieces." "That," said the -general, "a fool could have told me; but who will persuade them so to -believe?" Then I answered, "Thine own eyes; I have examined their -Mainguard with a perspective-glass, and it can be easily deceived; if -we did but set a few baulks of timber, shaped like water-pipes, on -waggons, and haul them into the field with many horses, they will -certainly believe they are heavy pieces, specially if your Excellency -will order works to be thrown up about the field as if to plant cannon -there." "My dear little friend," answered the Count, "they be not -children in the town: they will not believe this pantomime, but will -require to hear thy guns; and if the trick fail," says he to the -officers that stood around, "we shall be mocked of all the world." But -I answered, "Gracious sir, an I can but have a pair of double musquets -and a pretty large cask, I will make them to hear great guns: only -beyond the sound there can be no further effect: but if against all -expectation naught but mockery ensue, then shall I, the inventor, that -must in any case die, take with me that mockery and purge it away with -my life." - -Yet the general liked it not, but my colonel persuaded him to it; for -he said I was in such cases so lucky that he doubted not this trick -would succeed: so the Count ordered him to settle the matter as he -thought it could best be done, and said to him in jest that the honour -he should gain thereby should be reckoned to him alone. - -So three such baulks were brought to hand, and before each were -harnessed four-and-twenty horses, though two had been sufficient: and -these towards evening we brought up in full sight of the foe: and -meanwhile I had gotten me three double musquets and a great cask from a -mansion near at hand, and set all in order as I would have it: and by -night this was added to our fool's artillery. The double musquets I -charged twice over and had them discharged through the said cask, of -which the bottom had been knocked out, as if it was three trial shots -being fired. Which sounded so thunderously that any man had sworn they -were great serpents or demi-culverins. Our general must needs laugh at -such trickery, and again offered the enemy terms, with the addition -that if they did not agree that same evening it would not go so easily -with them the next day. Thereupon hostages were exchanged and terms -arranged, and the same night one gate of the town put into our hands, -and this was well indeed for me: for the Count not only granted me my -life that by his order I had forfeited, but set me free the same night -and commanded the lieutenant-colonel in my presence to appoint me to -the first ensigncy that should fall vacant: which was not to his taste -(for he had cousins and kinsmen many in waiting) that I should be -promoted before them. - - - - -_Chap. xi._: CONTAINS ALL MANNER OF MATTERS OF LITTLE IMPORT AND GREAT -IMAGINATION - - -On this expedition nothing more of note happened to me: but when I came -again to Soest I found the Hessians from Lippstadt had captured my -servant that I had left to guard my baggage, together with one horse -that was at pasture. From my servant the enemy learned of my ways and -works, and therefore held me higher than before, as having been -persuaded by common report I was but a sorcerer. He told them, -moreover, he had been one of the devils that had so dismayed the -Huntsman of Wesel in the sheep-fold: which when the said huntsman heard -of, he was so shamed that he took to his heels again and fled from -Lippstadt to the Hollanders. But it was my greatest good fortune that -this servant of mine was taken, as will be seen in the sequel. - -Now I began to behave myself somewhat more reputably than before, as -having such fine hopes of presently being made ensign: so by degrees I -joined company with officers and young noblemen that were eager for -that office which I imagined I should soon get: for this reason these -were my worst enemies, and yet gave themselves out to be my best -friends: even the lieutenant-colonel was no longer so good to me; for -he had orders to promote me before his own kindred. My captain was my -enemy because I made a better show in horses, clothing, and arms than -he, and no longer spent so much on the old miser as before. He had -rather have seen my head hewn off than an ensigncy promised me: for he -had thought to inherit my fine horses. In like manner my lieutenant -hated me for a single word that I had lately without thought let slip: -which came about thus: we two were on the last expedition ordered to a -lonely post as vedettes: and as the turn to watch fell to me (which -must be done lying down, besides that it was a pitch-dark night), the -lieutenant comes to me creeping on his belly like a snake, and says he, -"Sentry, dost thou mark aught?" So I answered, "Yea, Herr Lieutenant." -And "What? what?" says he. I answered, "I mark that your honour is -afeared." And from thenceforward I had no more favour with him. -Wherever the danger was greatest thither was I sent first of all; yea, -he sought in all places and at all times to dust my jacket before I -became ensign, and so could not defend myself. Nor were the sergeants -less my enemies, because I was preferred to them all. And as to the -privates, they too began to fail in their love and friendship to me, -because it seemed I despised them, inasmuch as I no longer consorted -specially with them but, as aforesaid, with greater Jacks, which loved -me none the more. - -But the worst was that no man told me how each was minded towards me, -and so I could not perceive it, for many a one talked with me in -friendliest wise that had sooner seen me dead. So I lived like a blind -man in all security and became ever haughtier: and though I knew it -vexed this one and that if I made a greater show than noblemen and -officers of rank, yet I held not back. I feared not to wear a collar of -sixty rix-dollars, red-scarlet hose, and white satin sleeves, trimmed -all over with gold, which was at that time the dress of the highest -officers: and therefore an eyesore to all. Yet was I a terrible -young fool so to play the lord: for had I dealt otherwise and bestowed -the money I so uselessly did hang upon my body in proper ways, I -should have soon gained my ensigncy and also not have made so many -enemies. Yet I stopped not here, but decked out my best horse, which -Jump-i'-th'-field had gotten from the Hessian captain, with saddle, -bridle, and arms in such fashion that when I was mounted one might well -have taken me for another St. George. And nothing grieved me more than -to know I was no nobleman, and so could not clothe my servant and my -horse-boys in my livery. Yet, I thought, all things have their -beginning; if thou hast a coat-of-arms then canst thou have thine own -livery; and when thou art an ensign, thou must have a signet-ring, -though thou art no nobleman. I was not long pregnant with these -thoughts, but had a coat-of-arms devised for me by a herald, which was -three red masks in a white field, and for a crest, a bust of a young -jester in a calfskin with a pair of hare's ears, adorned with little -balls in front: for I thought this suited best with my name, being -called Simplicissimus. And so would I have the fool to remind me in my -future high estate what manner of fellow I had been in Hanau, lest I -should become too proud, for already I thought no small things of -myself. And so was I properly the first of my name and race and -escutcheon, and if any had jeered at me thereupon, I had without doubt -presented him a sword or a pair of pistols. And though I had yet no -thoughts of womenkind, yet all the same I went with the young nobles -when they visited young ladies, of whom there were many in the town, to -let myself be seen and to make a show with my fine hair, clothes, and -plumes. I must confess that for the sake of my figure I was preferred -before all, yet must I all the same hear how the spoilt baggages -compared me with a fair and well-cut statue in which, beside its -beauty, was neither strength nor sap; for that was all they desired in -me: and except the lute-playing there was nothing I could do or perform -to please them: for of love as yet I knew nothing. But when they that -knew how to pay their court would gibe at me for my wooden behaviour -and awkwardness, to make themselves more beloved and to show off their -ready speech, then would I answer, 'twas enough for me if I could still -find my pleasure in a bright sword or a good musquet, and the ladies -held me right: and this angered the gentlemen so that they secretly -swore to have my life, though there was none that had heart enough to -challenge me or give me cause enough to challenge one of them, for -which a couple of buffets or any insulting word had been sufficient; -and I gave every chance for this by my loose talk, from which the -ladies argued I must be a lad of mettle, and said openly my figure and -my noble heart could plead better with any lady than all the -compliments that Cupid ever devised: and that made the rest angrier -than ever. - - - - -_Chap. xii._: HOW FORTUNE UNEXPECTEDLY BESTOWED ON THE HUNTSMAN A NOBLE -PRESENT - - -Had two fine horses that were at that time all the joy I had in the -world. Every day I rode them in the riding-school or else for -amusement, if I had naught else to do; not indeed that the horses had -anything to learn, but I did it that people might see that the fine -creatures belonged to me. And when I went pranking down a street, or -rather the horse prancing under me, and the stupid multitude looking on -and saying, "Look, 'tis the huntsman! See what a fine horse! Ah, what a -handsome plume!" or "Zounds! what a fine fellow is this!" I pricked up -mine ears and was as pleased as if the Queen of Sheba had likened me to -Solomon in all his glory. Yet, fool that I was, I heard not what -perhaps at that time wise folk thought of me or mine enviers said of -me: these last doubtless wished I might break my neck, since they could -not do it for me: and others assuredly thought that if all men had -their own I could not practise such foolish swaggering. In a word, the -wisest must have held me without doubt for a young Colin Clout, whose -pride would certainly not last long, because it stood upon a bad -foundation and must be supported only by uncertain plunder. And if I -must confess the truth, I must grant that these last judged not amiss, -though then I understood it not, for 'twas this and only this with me: -that I would have made his shirt warm for any man or adversary that had -to deal with me, so that I might well have passed for a simple, good -soldier though I was but a child. But 'twas this cause made me so great -a man, that nowadays the veriest horse-boy can shoot the greatest hero -in the world; and had not gunpowder been invented I must have put my -pride in my pocket. - -Now 'twas my custom in these rides to examine all ways and paths, all -ditches, marshes, thickets, hills and streams, make myself acquainted -with them and fix them in my memory, so that if one ever had occasion -to skirmish with the enemy I might employ the advantage of the place -both for defence and offence. To this end I rode once not far from the -town by an old ruin where formerly a house had stood. At the first -sight I thought this were a fit place to lay an ambush or to retreat -to, specially for us dragoons if we should be outnumbered and chased by -cavalry. So I rode into the courtyard, whose walls were pretty well -ruined, to see if at a pinch one could take refuge there on horseback -and how one could defend it on foot. But when to this end I would view -all exactly and sought to ride by the cellar, the walls of which were -still standing, I could neither with kindness nor force bring my horse, -which commonly feared nought, to go where I would. I spurred him till I -was vexed, but it availed not: so I dismounted and led him by the -bridle down the ruined steps which he had shied at, so that I should -know how to act another time: but he backed as much as he could; yet at -length with gentle words and strokings I had him down, and while I -patted and caressed him I found that he was sweating with fear, and -ever staring into one corner of the cellar, into which he would by no -means go, and in which I could see naught at which the most skittish -beast could shy. But as I stood there full of wonder and looked upon my -horse all a-tremble with fear, there came on me also such a terror that -'twas even as if I was dragged upwards by the hair and a bucket of cold -water poured down my back; yet could I see nothing; but the horse acted -more and more strangely, till I could fancy nothing else but that I was -perhaps bewitched, horse and all, and should come by my end in that -same cellar. So I would fain go back, but the horse would not follow, -and thereat I grew more dismayed and so confused that in truth I knew -not what I did. At last I took a pistol in my hand, and tied the horse -to a strong elder-tree that grew in the cellar, intending to go forth -and find people near by that could help to fetch the horse out; but as -I was about this it came into my head that perchance some treasure lay -hid in this old ruin, which was therefore haunted. To this conceit I -gave heed, and looked round more exactly. And just in the place to -which my horse refused to go I was ware of a part of the wall, unlike -the rest both in colour and masonry, and about the bigness of a common -chamber-shutter. But when I would approach 'twas with me as before, -namely, that my hair stood on end; and this strengthened my belief that -a treasure must there be hid. - -Ten times, nay a hundred times, sooner would I have exchanged shots -with an enemy than have found myself in such a terror. I was plagued -and knew not by what: for I heard and saw naught. So I took the other -pistol from the holster as meaning with it to go off and leave the -horse, yet could I not again mount the steps, for as it seemed to me a -strong draught of wind kept me back; and now I felt my flesh creep -indeed. At last it came into my mind to fire the pistols that the -peasants that worked in the fields close by might run to the spot and -help me with word and deed. And this I did because I neither knew nor -could think of any other means to escape from this evil place of -wonders: and I was so enraged, or rather so desperate (for I knew not -myself how 'twas with me), that as I fired I aimed my pistols at the -very place wherein I believed the cause of my plight lay, and with both -balls I hit the before-mentioned piece of the wall so hard that they -made a hole wherein a man could set both his fists. Now no sooner had I -fired than my horse neighed and pricked up his ears, which heartily -rejoiced me: I knew not whether 'twas because the goblin or spectre -had vanished or because the poor beast was roused by the noise of -fire-arms, but 'tis certain I plucked up heart again and went without -hindrance or fear to the hole, which I had just opened by the shot; and -there I began to break down the wall completely, and found of silver, -gold, and jewels so rich a treasure as would have kept me in comfort to -this day, if I had but known how to keep it and dispose of it well. -There were six dozen old French silver table-tankards, a great gold -cup, some double tankards, four silver and one golden salt-cellar, one -old French golden chain, and divers diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and -sapphires set in rings and in other jewellery; also a whole casquet -full of pearls, but all spoiled or discoloured, and then in a mouldy -leather bag eighty of the oldest Joachim dollars of fine silver, -likewise 893 gold pieces with the French arms and an eagle, a coin -which none could recognise, because, as folks said, no one could read -the inscription. This money, with the rings and jewels, I strapped into -my breeches-pockets, my boots and my holsters, and because I had no bag -with me, since I had but ridden forth for pleasure, I cut the housing -from my saddle, and into it I packed the silver vessels (for 'twas -lined, and would serve me well as a sack), hung the golden chain round -my neck, mounted my horse joyfully, and rode towards my quarters. But -as I came out of the courtyard I was aware of two peasants, that would -have run as soon as they saw me: yet having six feet and level country -I easily overtook them, and asked why they would have fled and were so -terribly afeared. So they said they had thought I was the ghost that -dwelt in that deserted court, and if any came too near to him was wont -to mishandle them miserably. Then as I asked further of his ways, they -told me that for fear of this monster 'twas often many years that no -one came near that place, save some stranger that had lost his way and -came thither by chance. The story went, they said, that an iron trough -full of money lay within guarded by a black dog, and also a maiden that -had a curse upon her; and to follow the old story they had themselves -heard from their grandsires, there should come into the land a stranger -nobleman that knew neither his father nor mother, and should rescue the -maiden, and open the trough with a key of fire, and carry off the -hidden gold. And of such foolish fables they told me many more; but -because they are but ill to hear, I here cut them short for briefness. -Thereafter I did ask them what they too had been about, since at other -times they dared not go into the ruin. They answered they had heard a -shot and a loud cry; and had run up to see what was to do. But when I -told them 'twas I that shot in the hope that people would come into the -ruin, because I too was pretty much afeared, but knew nought of any -cry, they answered, "There might be shots enough heard in that castle -before any of our neighbourhood would come thither; for in truth 'tis -so ghostly beset that we had not believed my lord if he had said he had -been therein, an we had not ourselves seen him ride out thence." So -then they would know many things of me, especially what manner of place -it was within and whether I had not seen the damsel and the black dog -sitting on the iron trough, so that if I had desired to brag I could -have put strange fancies into their heads: but I said not the least -word, not even that I had gotten the costly treasure, but rode away to -my quarters and looked upon my find, which mightily delighted me. - - - - -_Chap. xiii._: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' STRANGE FANCIES AND CASTLES IN THE -AIR, AND HOW HE GUARDED HIS TREASURE - - -Now they that know the worth of money, and therefore take it for their -god, have no little reason on their side; for if there be a man in the -world that hath experienced its powers and wellnigh divine virtues, -that man am I. For I know how a man fares that hath a fair provision -thereof; yet have I never yet known how he should feel that had never a -farthing in his pouch. Yea, I could even take upon me to prove that -this same money possesses all virtues and powers more than any precious -stones; for it can drive away all melancholia like the diamond: it -causeth love and inclination to study, like the emerald (for so comes -it that commonly students have more money than poor folk's children): -it taketh away fear and maketh man joyful and happy like unto the ruby: -'tis often an hindrance to sleep, like the garnet: on the other hand, -it hath great power to produce repose of mind and so sleep, like the -jacinth: it strengtheneth the heart and maketh a man jolly and -companionable, lively and kind, like the sapphire and amethyst: it -driveth away bad dreams, giveth joy, sharpeneth the understanding, and -if one have a plaint against another it gaineth him the victory, like -the sardius (and in especial if the judge's palm be first well oiled -therewith): it quencheth unchaste desire, for by means of gold one can -possess fair women: and in a word, 'tis not to be exprest what gold can -do, as I have before set forth in my book intituled "Black and White," -if any man know how rightly to use and employ this information. As to -mine own money that I had then brought together, both with robbery and -the finding of this treasure, it had a special power of its own: for -first of all it made me prouder than I was before, so much so that it -vexed me to the heart that I must still be called "Simplicissimus" -only. It spoiled my sleep like the amethyst: for many a night I lay -awake and did speculate how I could put it out to advantage and get -more to put to it. Yea, and it made me a most perfect reckoner, for I -must calculate what mine uncoined silver and gold might be worth, and -adding this to that which I had borrowed here and there, and which yet -was in my purse, I found without the precious stones a fine overplus. -Yet did my money prove to me its inborn roguery and evil inclination to -temptation, inasmuch as it did fully expound to me the proverb "He that -hath much will ever have more," and made me so miserly that any man -might well have hated me. From my money I got many foolish plans and -strange fancies in my brain, and yet could follow out no conceit of all -that I devised. At one time I thought I would leave the wars and betake -myself somewhither and spend my days in fatness a-looking out of the -window; but quickly I did repent me of that, and in especial because I -considered what a free life I now led and what hopes I had to become a -great Jack. And then my thought was this, "Up and away, Simplicissimus, -and get thyself made a nobleman and raise thine own company of dragoons -for the emperor at thine own cost: and presently thou art a perfected -young lord that with the times can rise yet higher." Yet as soon as I -reflected that this my greatness could be made small by any unlucky -engagement, or be ended by a peace that should bring the war soon to a -finish, I could not find this plan to my taste. So then I began to wish -I had my full age as a man: for hadst thou that, said I to myself, thou -couldst take a rich young wife, and so buy thee a nobleman's estate -somewhere and lead a peaceful life. There would I betake myself to the -rearing of cattle and enjoy my sufficiency to the full: yet as I knew I -was too young for this, I must let that plan go by the board also. - -Such and the like conceits had I many, till at last I resolved to give -over my best effects to some man of substance in some safe town to -keep, and to wait how fortune would further deal with me. Now at that -time I had my Jupiter still with me: for indeed I could not be rid of -him: and at times the man could talk most reasonably and for weeks -together would be sane and sober: but above all things he held me dear -for my goodness to him; and seeing me in deep thought he says to me, -"Dear son, give away your blood-money; gold, silver, and all." "And -why?" said I, "dear Jupiter?" "Oh," says he, "to get you friends and be -rid of your useless cares." To which I answered, "I would fain have -more of such." Then says he, "Get more: but in such fashion will ye -never in your life have more friends nor more peace: leave it to old -misers to be greedy, but do ye so behave as becomes a fine young lad: -for ye shall sooner lack good friends than good money." - -So I pondered on the matter, and found that Jupiter reasoned well of -the case: yet greed had such hold on me that I could not resolve to -give away aught. Yet I did at last present to the commandant a pair of -silver-gilt double tankards and to my captain a couple of silver -salt-cellars, by which I achieved nothing more than to make their -mouths water for the rest: for these were rare pieces of antiquity. My -true comrade Jump-i'-th'-field I rewarded with twelve rix-dollars; who -in return advised me I should either make away with my riches or else -expect to fall into misfortune by their means: for, said he, it liked -the officers not that a common soldier should have more money than -they: and he himself had known this: that one comrade should secretly -murder another for the sake of money: till now, said he, I had been -able to keep secret what I had gotten in booty, for all believed I had -spent it on clothes, horses, and arms: but now I could conceal nought -nor make folks believe I had no secret store of money: for each one -made out the treasure I had found to be greater than it was: and yet I -spent not so much as before. Nor could he help but hear what rumours -went about among the men: and were he in my place he would let wars be -wars: would settle himself in safety somewhere, and let our Lord God -rule the world as He will. But I answered, "Harkye, brother, how -can I throw to the winds my hopes of an ensigncy?" "Yea, yea," says -Jump-i'-th'-field, "but devil take me if thou ever get thine ensigncy. -The others that wait for it would help to break thy neck a thousand -times over if they saw that such a post was vacant and thou to have it. -Teach me not how to know salmon from trout, for my father was a -fisherman! And be not angry with me, brother, for I have seen how it -fares in war longer than thou. Seest thou not how many a sergeant -grows grey with his spontoon that deserved to have a company before -many others. Thinkest thou they are not fellows that have some -right to hope? And indeed they have more right to such promotion than -thou, as thou thyself must confess." Nor could I answer aught, for -Jump-i'-th'-field did but speak the truth from an honest German heart, -and flattered me not: yet must I bite my lip in secret: for I thought -at that time mighty well of myself. Yet I weighed this speech and that -of my Jupiter full carefully, and considered that I had no single -natural-born friend that would help me in straits or would revenge my -death open or secret. And I myself could see plain enough how it stood -with me: yet neither my desire of honour nor of money would leave me: -and still less my hope to become great, to leave the wars, and to be in -peace; nay, rather I held to my first plan; and when a chance offered -for Cologne, whither I, with some hundred dragoons, was ordered to -convoy certain carriers and waggons of merchandise from Münster, I -packed up my treasure, took it with me, and gave it in charge to one of -the first merchants of that city to be drawn out on production of an -exact list of the things. Now it was seventy-four marks of uncoined -silver, fifteen marks of gold, eighty Joachim dollars, and in a sealed -casquet divers rings and jewels, which, with gold and precious stones, -weighed eight and a half pounds in all, together with 893 ancient -golden coins that were worth each a gold gulden and a half. With me I -took my Jupiter, as he desired it, and had kinsfolk of repute in -Cologne: to whom he boasted of the good turns I had done him and caused -me to be received of them with great honour. Yet did he never cease to -counsel me that I should bestow my money better and buy myself friends -that would be of more service to me than money in my purse. - - - - -_Chap. xiv._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WAS CAPTURED BY THE ENEMY - - -So on the journey home I pondered much how I should carry myself in -future, so that I might get the favour of all: for Jump-i'-th'-field -had put a troublesome flea in my ear, and had made me to believe I was -envied of all: and in truth 'twas no otherwise. And now came into my -mind what the famous prophetess of Soest had once said,[24] and so I -burdened myself with yet greater cares. Yet with these thoughts did I -sharpen my wit, and perceived that a man that should live without cares -would be dull as any beast. Then I considered for what reason one and -the other might hate me, and how I might deal with each to have his -goodwill again, yet most of all must I wonder how men could be so false -and yet give me nought but good words whereas they loved me not. For -that cause I determined to deal as others did, and to say what would -please each, yea, to approach every man with respect though I felt it -not: for most of all I felt 'twas mine own pride had burdened me with -the most enemies. Therefore I held it needful to shew myself humble -again, though I was not, and to consort again with common folk, but to -approach my betters hat in hand and to refrain from all finery in dress -till my rank should be bettered. From the merchant in Cologne I had -drawn 100 dollars, to repay the same with interest when he should -return my treasure: these hundred dollars I was minded to spend on the -way for the behoof of the escort, as now perceiving that greed makes no -friends, and therefore was resolved on this very journey to alter my -ways and make a new beginning. Yet did I reckon without mine host; for -as we would pass through the duchy of Berg there waited for us in a -post of vantage eighty musqueteers and fifty troopers, even when I was -ordered forward with four others and a corporal to ride in front and to -spy out the road. So the enemy kept quiet when we came into the ambush -and let us pass, lest if they had attacked us the convoy should be -warned before they came into the pass where they were: but after us -they sent a cornet and eight troopers that kept us in sight till their -people had attacked our escort itself, and we turned round to protect -the waggons: at which they rode down upon us and asked, would we have -quarter. Now for my part I was well mounted: for I had my best horse -under me: yet would I not run, but rode up a little hillock to see if -honour was to be had by fighting. Yet I was presently aware, by the -noise of the volley that our people received, what o'clock it was, and -so disposed myself to flight. But the cornet had thought of all, and -already cut off our retreat, and as I was preparing to cut my way -through he once again offered me quarter, for he thought me an officer. -So I considered that to make sure of one's life is better than an -uncertain hazard, and therefore asked, would he keep his promise of -quarter as an honest soldier: he answered, "Yes, honestly." So I -presented him my sword and rendered myself up a prisoner. At once he -asked me of what condition I was: for he took me for a nobleman and -therefore an officer. But when I answered him, I was called the -Huntsman of Soest, "Then art thou lucky," says he, "that thou didst not -fall into our hands a month ago: for then could I have given thee no -quarter, since then thou wast commonly held among our people for a -declared sorcerer." - -This cornet was a fine young cavalier and not more than two years older -than I, and was mightily proud to have the honour of taking the famous -huntsman: therefore he observed the promised quarter very honourably -and in Dutch fashion, which is to take from their Spanish prisoners of -war nothing that they carry under their belt: nay, he did not even have -me searched; but I had wit enough to take the money out of my pockets -and present it to him when they came to a division of spoils; and also -I told the cornet secretly to look to it that he got as his share my -horse, saddle, and harness, for he would find thirty ducats in the -saddle, and the horse had hardly his equal anywhere. And for this cause -the cornet was as much my friend as if I had been his own brother: for -at once he mounted my horse and set me on his own. But of the escort no -more than six were dead, and thirteen prisoners, of whom eight were -wounded: the rest fled and had not heart enough to retake the booty -from the enemy in fair field, the which they could have done, as being -all mounted men against infantry. - -Now when the plunder and the prisoners had been shared, the Swedes and -Hessians (for they were from different garrisons) separated the same -evening. But the cornet kept me and the corporal, together with three -other dragoons, as his share because he had captured us: and so were we -brought to a fortress which lay but a few miles from our own -garrison.[25] And inasmuch as I had raised plenty of smoke in that town -before, my name was there well known and I myself more feared than -loved. So when we had the place in sight the cornet sent a trooper in -advance to announce his coming to the commandant, and to tell him how -he had fared and who the prisoners were, whereat there was a concourse -in the town that was not to be described, for each would fain see the -huntsman. One said this of me, and another that; and the sight was for -all the world as if some great potentate had made his entry. But we -prisoners were brought straight to the commandant, who was much amazed -at my youth; and asked, had I never served on the Swedish side, and of -what country I was: and when I told him the truth he would know if I -had no desire to serve again on their side. I answered him that in -other respects 'twas to me indifferent: but that I had sworn an oath to -the emperor and therefore methought 'twas my duty to keep such. -Thereupon he ordered us to be taken to the prize-master, but allowed -the cornet, at his request, to treat us as his guests, because I had -before so treated mine own prisoners and among them his own brother. So -when evening was come there was a gathering both of soldiers of fortune -and cavaliers of birth at the cornet's quarters, who sent for me and -the corporal: and there was I, to speak the truth, extraordinary -courteously entreated by them. I made merry as if I had lost nothing, -and carried myself as confidently and open-hearted as I had been no -prisoner in the hands of my enemy but among my best friends. Yet I -shewed myself as modest as might be; for I could well imagine that my -behaviour would be noted to the commandant, which was so, as I -afterwards learned. - -Next day we prisoners, one after another, were brought before the -regimental judge-advocate-general, who examined us, the corporal first, -and me second. But as soon as I entered the room he was filled with -wonder at my youth, and to cast it in my teeth, "My child," says he, -"what have the Swedes done to thee that thou shouldst fight against -them?" - -Now this angered me: for I had seen as young soldiers among them as I -was: so I answered, "The Swedes had robbed me of my coral and bells and -my baby's rattle, and I would have them back." And as I thus paid him -back in his own coin, the officers that sat by him were shamed, -insomuch that one of them began to say to him in Latin he should treat -me seriously, for he could hear that it was no child that he had before -him. In that I was ware that his name was Eusebius; for the officer so -addressed him. So presently when he had asked my name, and I had told -him, "There is no devil in hell," says he, "that is called -Simplicissimus." "Nay," answered I, "and 'tis like there is none named -Eusebius." And so I paid him back like our old muster-clerk Cyriack; -yet this pleased not the officers, who bade me remember I was their -prisoner, and was not brought there to pass jests. At this reproof I -blushed not, but answered: inasmuch as they held me prisoner like a -soldier, and would not let me run away like a child, I had taken care -that they should not make sport with me as with a child: as I had been -questioned, so had I answered and hoped I had done no wrong therein. So -they asked me of my country and my family, but especially if I had -never served on the Swedish side: item, how it was with the garrison of -Soest: how strong it was, and all the rest. To all which I answered -quick and short and well, and in respect of Soest and its garrison as -much as I could confidently state: yet I might well keep silence -concerning my life as a jester, for of this I was ashamed. - - - - -_Chap. xv._: ON WHAT CONDITION THE HUNTSMAN WAS SET FREE - - -Meanwhile 'twas known at Soest how it had fared with the convoy, how I -and the corporal had been captured and whither we had been taken; and -therefore next day came a drummer to fetch us back: whereupon the -corporal and the three others were delivered up, together with a letter -to the following purport (for the commandant sent it to me to read): - - -"Monsieur, etc.,--By the bearer, your tambour, your message hath been -delivered: and in answer thereto I restore herewith, in return for -ransom received, the corporal and the three other prisoners: but as -concerns Simplicissimus, called the Huntsman, the same cannot be -allowed to return, as having once served on this side. But if I can -serve your honour in any matters short of those touching my allegiance, -you have in me a willing servant, and as such I remain, - - "Your honour's obedient servant, - - "[DANIEL] DE S[AINT] A[NDRÉ]."[26] - - -Now this letter did not half please me, yet I must return thanks to him -for suffering me to see it. But when I asked to speak with the -commandant I received answer he would himself send for me as soon as he -had despatched the drummer, which should be done next morning: till -then I must be patient. - -So when I had waited the appointed time, the commandant sent for me, -and that just at dinner-time, and then for the first time the honour -fell to me of sitting at table with him. And so long as the meal lasted -he drank to my health and said no word, great or small, of the business -he had with me; nor was it my part to begin. But the meal now ended and -I being somewhat fuddled, says he, "My friend the Huntsman, ye will -have understood from my letter under what pretext I have kept ye here: -and indeed I intend no wrong or anything contrary to reason and the -usage of war, for yourself have confessed to me and the judge-advocate -that you once served on our side in the main army, and therefore must -resolve yourself to take service under my command. And in time, if ye -behave yourself well, I will so advance you as ye could never have -hoped for among the Imperials, otherwise ye must not take it ill if I -send you to that lieutenant-colonel from whom the dragoons before -captured you." To which I answered, "Worshipful colonel" (for at that -time 'twas not the usage that soldiers of fortune were entitled "your -honour" even though they were colonels), "I hope, since I am bound by -oath neither to the crown of Sweden nor its confederates, and still -less to that lieutenant-colonel, that I am therefore not bound to take -service with the Swedes and so to break the oath which I swore to the -emperor, and therefore beg the worshipful colonel with all humility to -be good enough to relieve me from such a proposal." "How?" says the -colonel, "do ye despise the Swedish service? I would have you to know -ye are my prisoner, and sooner than let you go to Soest to do the enemy -service I will bring you to another trial, or let you rot in prison." -And so, said he, I might lay my account. - -Truly at these words I was afeared, yet would not yet give in, but -answered, God would protect me both from such despiteful treatment and -from perjury: for the rest, I persisted in my humble hope that the -colonel would, according to his known reputation, deal with me as with -a soldier. "Yea," said he, "I know well how I could treat ye if I would -be strict; but be ye better advised, lest I find cause to shew you -other countenance." And with that I was led back to the prison. - -And now can any man easily guess that I slept not much that night, but -had all manner of thoughts: and next morning came certain officers with -the cornet that had taken me, under colour of passing the time, but in -truth to tell me that the colonel was minded to have me tried as a -sorcerer if I would not otherwise be content. So would they have -terrified me, and found out what my powers were: yet as I had the -comfort of a good conscience, I took all coolly and said but little, as -seeing well that the colonel cared for nothing but this: that he would -fain have me no more at Soest. And well might he suppose that if he -once let me go I should not leave that place, where I hoped for -promotion, and moreover had two fine horses there and other things of -price. Next day he had me brought to him again and asked, had I -resolved otherwise. So I answered, "Colonel, to this I am determined, -that I will sooner die than be perjured. Yet if the worshipful colonel -will set me free and be pleased not to call upon me to do any warlike -service, then will I promise him with heart, mouth, and hand to bear -and use no arms against the Swedes and Hessians for the space of six -months." - -To that he agreed at once, gave me his hand upon it, and forgave me my -ransom; further, he commanded his secretary to draw up an agreement to -that effect in duplicate, which we both subscribed, wherein he promised -me protection and all freedom so long as I should remain in the -fortress entrusted to him. On the other hand, I bound myself to the two -points above named, videlicet: that I, so long as I should sojourn in -the said fortress, would neither undertake anything to the hurt of the -garrison and its commander, nor would conceal aught that was intended -to their prejudice and damage, but would much more further their -profit and benefit, and prevent any damage to them to the best of my -ability--yea, that if the place were attacked I should and would help -to defend it. - -Thereupon he kept me to dine with him again, and shewed me more honour -than I could in all my lifetime have looked for from the Imperials: and -so by little and little he won me over, till I would not have returned -to Soest even if he had let me go thither and had accounted me free -from my promise. - - - - -_Chap. xvi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A NOBLEMAN - - -When a thing is to be, all things shape themselves to that end. Now did -I conceive that fortune had taken me to husband, or at least bound -herself so close to me that the most contrary happenings must turn out -to my profit: as when I learned at the commandant's table that my -servant with my two fine horses had come from Soest. But I knew not -(what at last I found) that tricky Fortune hath the sirens' art, who do -shew themselves kindest to those to whom they wish most harm, and so -doth raise a man the higher but for this end: to cast him down the -deeper. Now this servant, which I had before captured from the Swedes, -was beyond measure true to me, who had done him great kindnesses. He -therefore had saddled my two horses and rode out a good way from Soest -to meet the drummer that should bring me back, that not only I might -not have to walk so far, but also that I might not have to return to -Soest naked or in rags: for he conceived I had been stripped. So when -he met the drummer and the rest of the prisoners there he had my best -clothing in a pack. But when he saw me not, but understood I was kept -back to take service with the adversary, he set spurs to his horse and -says he, "Adieu, tambours, and you too. Corporal: where my master is -there will I be also," so he escaped and came to me at the very time -when the commandant had set me free and was shewing me such great -honour: who thereupon bestowed my horses in an inn till I could find -for myself a lodging to my liking, and called me fortunate by reason of -my servant's faith, yet wondered that I, as a common dragoon, and so -young to boot, should possess such fine horses and be so well equipped; -nay, when I had taken leave and would go to my inn he praised one horse -so loudly that I marked well he would fain have bought him from me. Yet -because from modesty he ventured not to make a bid, I said if I might -beg for the honour of his keeping the horse it was at his service. But -he refused roundly, more because I was fairly tipsy, and he would not -have the reproach of talking a present out of a drunken man, who might -thereafter repent of it, than because he would not fain have had that -noble horse. - -That night I did consider how I would order my life in time to come; -and did decide to remain for the six months even where I was, and so in -peace to spend the winter which was now at hand, for which I knew I had -money enough for my purposes, without breaking into my treasure at -Cologne. "In so long a time," thought I, "thou wilt be full grown and -come to thy full strength, and so canst thou next spring take the field -with more boldness among the emperor's troops." - -Early next morning I reviewed my saddle, which was far better lined -than the one I had presented to the cornet: and later on I had my horse -led to the colonel's quarters and told him: as I had determined to -spend the six months in which 'twas forbidden me to fight, peaceably -and under the colonel's protection, here, my horses were of no use to -me, which yet 'twere pity should be spoiled, and therefore begged him -that he would consent to grant this charger here present a place among -his own horses, and accept the same from me as a mark of grateful -acknowledgment of favours received, and that without scruple. The -colonel returned me thanks with great civility and very courteous -offers of service, and the same afternoon sent me by his steward one -fat ox alive, two fat pigs, a hogshead of wine, two hogsheads of beer, -twelve cords of firewood; all which he caused to be brought to me in -front of my new lodging, which I had even now hired for half a year, -and sent a message: that as he saw I was to live with him, and could -easily conceive that I was at first ill-provided with victual, he had -therefore sent me for household use a draught of wine and a joint of -meat, together with the fuel to cook the same: with this in addition, -that whereinsoever he could help me he would not fail. For which I -returned thanks as civilly as I could: presented the steward with two -ducats, and begged him to commend me to his master. - -So when I saw I had gained such credit with the colonel for my -liberality, I thought to earn praise also among the common folk, that -none should take me for a mere malingerer: to that end I had my servant -called before me in presence of my landlord, and "Friend Nicolas," said -I, "thou hast shewn me more faithfulness than any master can expect -from his servant; but now, when I know not how to make it up to thee, -as having no master and no leave to fight, wherefrom I might gain booty -enough to reward thee as I would fain do, and in respect also of the -peaceful life which I do intend henceforth to live, and therefore do -need no servitor, I herewith give thee as thy pay the other horse, with -saddle, harness and pistols, with the request that thou wouldst be -content for the present to seek another master. And if I hereafter can -serve thee in any way, do thou not fail to ask me." With that he kissed -my hands and for tears could not speak, but would by no means have the -horse, but held it better I should turn it into money to use for my -maintenance. Yet at last I persuaded him to take it, after I had -promised to take him again into my service so soon as I should need a -man. At this parting my landlord was so moved that his eyes also filled -with tears: and as my servant exalted me among the soldiers for this -action, so did my landlord among the citizens. - -As to the commandant, he held me for so determined a fellow that he -would have ventured to build upon my word, since I did not only truly -keep the oath I had sworn to the emperor, but in order to keep that -other promise, which I had made to himself, with great strictness had -rid myself of my fine horses, my arms, and my most faithful servant. - - - - -_Chap. xvii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN DISPOSED HIMSELF TO PASS HIS SIX -MONTHS: AND ALSO SOMEWHAT OF THE PROPHETESS - - -I do think there is no man in the world that hath not a bee in his -bonnet, for we be all men of one mould and by mine own fruits I can -mark how others' ripen. Oh coxcomb! say you; if thou beest a fool, -thinkest thou others must be too? Nay, that were to say too much: but -this I maintain, that one man can hide his folly better than another. -Nor is a man a fool because he hath foolish fantasies, for in youth we -do all have the like: and he that lets those fantasies run loose is -held to be a fool because others keep the fool concealed, and others do -but shew the half of him. They that keep such whims under altogether be -but peevish fellows, but they that now and then allow them (as time -affords an opportunity) to shew their ears and put their heads out of -window to get air lest they be choked, these I hold for the best and -wisest men. Mine own fantasies I let forth only too far, as seeing -myself so free and well provided with money; so that I took me a lad -whom I clothed as a nobleman's page, and that in the most fantastic -colours, to wit, light brown bordered with yellow, which must be my -livery, for so I fancied it: and he must wait upon me as if I were a -nobleman and not until just before a common dragoon; yea, and half a -year before a poor horse-boy. - -Now this, the first folly I committed in this town, though 'twas pretty -gross, yet was remarked by none, much less blamed. But why? The world -is so full of such fooleries that none marks them now, nor laughs at -them, nor wonders at them, for all are used to them. And so was I held -for a wise and good soldier, and not for a fool only fit for baby's -shoes. Then I bargained with my landlord for the feeding of my page and -myself, and gave him, as payment on account, what the commandant had -presented to me, as far as concerns food and fuel: but for the drink my -page must keep the key, for I was very willing to give of such to all -that visited me. And since I was neither citizen nor soldier, and -therefore had no equals that were bound to keep me company, I consorted -with both sides, and therefore daily found comrades enough; and these I -sent not away dry. Among the citizens I had most friendship with the -organist, for music I loved and, without bragging, had an excellent -voice which I had no mind to let rust: this man taught me how to -compose, and to play better upon that instrument, as also upon the -harp: on the lute I was already a master; so I got me one of mine own -and daily diverted myself with it. And when I was tired of music I -would send for that furrier that had instructed me in the use of all -arms in Paradise, and with him exercised myself to be yet more perfect. -Also I obtained leave from the commandant that one of his artillerymen -should instruct me in gunnery and something of artillery-practice for a -proper reward. For the rest, I kept myself quiet and retired, so that -people wondered, seeing how I, that had been used to plunder and -bloodshed, now sat always over my books like a student. - -But my host was the commandant's spy and my keeper, for well I noted -that he reported to him all my ways and works; but that suited me well -enough, for of warfare I had never a thought, and if there was talk of -it I behaved myself as I had never been a soldier, and was only there -to perform my daily exercises, of which I but now made mention. 'Tis -true I wished my six months at an end: yet could no man guess which -side I would then serve. As often as I waited on the colonel he would -have me to dine with him: and then at times the converse was so -arranged that my intention might be known therefrom: but ever I -answered so discreetly that none could know what I did mean. So once -when he said to me, "How is't with ye, Huntsman? Will ye not yet turn -Swede? An ensign of mine is dead yesterday," I made answer, "Worshipful -colonel, seeing that it is but decent for a woman not to marry at once -again after her husband's death, should I not also wait my six months?" -In such fashion I escaped every time, and gained the colonel's good -will more and more; so much so that he allowed me to take my walks both -inside and outside the fortress: yea, at last I might hunt the hares, -partridges, and birds, which was not permitted to his own soldiers. -Likewise did I fish in the Lippe, and was so lucky at that, that it -seemed as if I could conjure both fish and crayfish out of the water. -For this I caused to be made a rough hunting-suit only, in which I -crept by night into the territory of Soest and collected my hidden -treasures from here and there, and brought them to the said fortress, -and so behaved as if I would for ever dwell among the Swedes. - -By the same way came the prophetess of Soest to me and said, "Lookye, -my son, did I not counsel thee well before that thou shouldst hide thy -money outside the town of Soest? I do assure thee 'tis thy greater good -luck to have been captured: for hadst thou returned to Soest, certain -fellows that had sworn thy death, because thou wast preferred to them -among the women, would have murdered thee in thy hunting." So I asked, -"How could any be jealous of me, that meddled with women not at all?" -"Oh," says she, "of that opinion that thou art now, wilt thou not long -remain: or the women will drive thee out of the country with mockery -and shame. Thou hast ever laughed at me when I foretold thee aught: -wouldest thou once more refuse to believe me if I told thee more? Dost -thou not find in the place where thou art better friends than in Soest? -I do swear to thee they hold thee only too dear, and that such -exceeding love will turn to thy harm, if thou submit not to it." So I -answered her, if she truly knew so much as she gave out, she should -reveal to me how it stood with my parents and whether I should ever in -my life come to them again: she should not be so dark in her sayings, -but out with it in good German. Thereupon she said I might ask after my -parents when my foster-father should meet me unawares, and lead my -wet-nurse's daughter by a string: with that she laughed loud, and at -the end said, she had of her own accord told to me more than to others -that had begged it of her. - -But as I began to jest upon her she quickly took herself away, after I -had presented her with a few thalers; for I had more silver coin than I -could easily carry, having at that time a pretty sum of money and many -rings and jewels of great price: for before this, whenever I heard of -precious stones among the soldiers, or found such on expeditions or -elsewhere, I bought them, and that for less than half the money they -were worth. Such treasures did always cry aloud to me to let them be -seen in public: and I did willingly obey, for being of a pretty proud -temper, I made a show with my wealth and feared not to let mine host -see it, who made it out to others as greater than it was. And they did -wonder whence I had gathered it all together, it being well known that -I had made deposit at Cologne of the treasure I had found, for the -cornet had read the merchant's receipt when he took me prisoner. - - - - -_Chap. xviii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT A WOOING, AND MADE A TRADE OF IT - - -My intent to learn artillery practice and fencing in these six months -was good, and that I knew: yet 'twas not enough to protect me from -idleness, which is the root of many evils, and especially ill for me -because I had no one to command me. 'Tis true I sat industriously over -books of all sorts, from which I learned much good: but a few came into -my hands which were as good for me as grass for a sick dog. The -incomparable "Arcadia," from which I sought to learn eloquence, was the -first book that led me aside from good stories to books of love and -from true history to romances of chivalry. Such sort of books I -collected wherever I could, and when I found one I ceased not till I -had read it through, though I should sit day and night over it. But -these taught me, instead of eloquence, to practise lechery. Yet was -such desire at no time so violent and strong that one could, with -Seneca, call it a divine frenzy or, as it is described in Thomas -Thomai's "Forest Garden," a serious sickness. For where I took a fancy -there I had what I desired easily and without great trouble: and so had -I no cause to complain as other wooers and lechers have had, which are -chock full of fantastic thoughts, troubles, desires, secret pangs, -anger, jealousy, revenge, madness, tears, bragging, threats and -numberless other follies, and for sheer impatience wish for death. For -I had money and was not too careful of it, and besides I had a fine -voice, which daily I exercised with all manner of instruments. Instead -of shewing my bodily skill in the dance, which I did never love, I did -display it in fencing, engaging with my furrier: moreover, I had a fine -smooth face, and did practise myself in a certain gracious amiableness, -so that the women, even those that I did not greatly seek after, did of -themselves run after me, and that more than I desired. - -About this time came Martinmas: then with us Germans begins the eating -and swilling, and that feast is full conscientiously observed till -Shrovetide: so was I invited to different houses, both among the -officers and burghers, to help eat the Martinmas goose. So 'twas that -on such occasions I made acquaintance with the ladies. For my lute and -my songs made all to look my way, and when they so looked, then was I -ready to add such charming looks and actions to my new love-songs -(which I did myself compose) that many a fair maid was befooled, and -ere she knew it was in love with me. Yet lest I should be held for a -curmudgeon I gave likewise two banquets, one for the officers and one -for the chief citizens, by which means I gained me favour of both -parties and an entry to their houses; for I spared no expense in my -entertainment. But all this was but for the sake of the sweet maids, -and though I did not at once find what I sought with each and everyone -(for some there were that could deny me), yet I went often to these -also, that so they might bring them that did shew me more favour than -becomes modest maidens into no suspicion, but might believe that I -visited these last also only for the sake of conversation. And so -separately I persuaded each one to believe this of the others, and to -think she was the only one that enjoyed my love. Just six I had that -loved me well and I them in return: yet none possessed my heart or me -alone: in one 'twas but the black eyes that pleased me; in another the -golden hair; in a third a winning sweetness; and in the others was also -somewhat that the rest had not. But if I, besides these, also visited -others, 'twas either for the cause I mentioned or because their -acquaintance was new and strange to me, and in any case I refused and -despised nothing, as not purposing always to remain in the same place. -My page, which was an arch-rogue, had enough to do with carrying of -love-letters back and forth, and knew how to keep his mouth shut and my -loose ways so secret from one and the other that nought was discovered: -in reward for which he had from the baggages many presents, which yet -cost me most, seeing that I spent a little fortune on them, and could -well say, "What is won with the drum is lost with the fife." All the -same, I kept my affairs so secret that not one man in a hundred would -have taken me for a rake, save only the priest, from whom I borrowed -not so many good books as formerly. - - - - -_Chap. xix._: BY WHAT MEANS THE HUNTSMAN MADE FRIENDS, AND HOW HE WAS -MOVED BY A SERMON - - -When Fortune will cast a man down, she raiseth him first to the -heights, and the good God doth faithfully warn every man before his -fall. Such a warning had I, but would have none of it. For I was -stiffly persuaded of this, that my fortune was so firmly founded that -no mishap could cast me down, because all, and specially the commandant -himself, wished me well; those that he valued I won over by all manner -of respect: his trusted servants I brought over to my side by presents, -and with them perhaps more than with mine equals I did drink -"Brotherhood" and swore to them everlasting faith and friendship: so, -too, the common citizens and soldiers loved me because I had a friendly -word for all. "What a kindly man," said they often, "is the huntsman; -He will talk with a child in the street, and hath a quarrel with no -man!" If I had shot a hare or a few partridges I would send them to the -kitchen of those whose friendship I sought, and also invited myself as -a guest; at which time I would always have a sup of wine (which was in -that place very dear) brought thither also: yea, I would so contrive it -that the whole cost would fall upon me. And when at such banquets I -fell in converse with any, I had praise for all save myself, and -managed so to feign humility as I had never known pride. So because I -thus gained the favour of all, and all thought much of me, I never -conceived that any misfortune could encounter me, especially since my -purse was still pretty well filled. Often I went to the oldest priest -of the town, who lent me many books from his library: and when I -brought one back then would he discourse of all manner of matters with -me, for we became so familiar together that one could easily bear with -the other. So when not only the Martinmas goose and the feast of -pudding-broth were gone and over, but also the Christmas holidays, I -presented to him for the New Year a bottle of Strassburg Branntwein, -the which he, after Westphalian use, liked to sip with sugar-candy, and -thereafter came to visit him, even as he was a-reading my "Joseph the -Chaste," which my host without my knowledge had lent him. I did blush -that my work should fall into the hands of so learned a man, especially -because men hold that one is best known by what he writes. But he would -have me to sit by him and praised my invention, yet blamed me that I -had lingered so long over the love-story of Zuleika (which was -Potiphar's wife). "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth -speaketh," said he moreover, "and if my friend had not known how it -fares with a wooer's heart he could never so well have treated of this -woman's passion or in so lively fashion pictured it." - -I answered that what I had written was not mine own invention but -extracted from other books to give me some practice in writing. "Yes, -yes," says he, "of course I am pleased to believe it: yet may you be -sure I know more of your honour than he conceives." At these words I -was dismayed and thought, "Hath a little bird told thee?" But he, -seeing how I changed colour, went on to say, "Ye are lively and young, -idle and handsome. Ye do live a careless life, and as I hear in all -luxury: therefore do I beseech you in the Lord and exhort you to -consider in what an evil case you stand: beware of the beast with the -long hair, if you have any care for your happiness and health. Ye may -perhaps say, 'How concerneth it the priest what I do or not?' ('Rightly -guessed,' said I to myself) or, 'What right hath he to command me?' -'Tis true I have but the care of souls: but, sir, be assured that your -temporal good, as that of my benefactor, is for mere Christian love as -precious as if ye were mine own son. 'Tis ever a pity, and never can ye -answer such a charge before your heavenly Father if ye do bury the -talent He hath entrusted to you and leave to go to ruin that noble -understanding which I do perceive in this your writing. My faithful and -fatherly advice would be, ye should employ your youth and your means, -which ye now do waste in such purposeless wise, to study, that some day -ye may be helpful to God and man and yourself; and let war alone, in -which, as I do hear, ye have so great a delight; and before ye get a -shrewd knock and find the truth of that saying, 'Young soldiers make -old beggars.'" This predication I listened to with great impatience, -for I was not used to hear the like: yet I shewed not how I felt, lest -I should forfeit my reputation for politeness, but thanked him much for -his straightforwardness and promised him to reflect upon his advice: -yet thought I within myself, what did it concern the priest how I -ordered my life; for just then I was at the height of my good fortune, -and I could not do without those pleasures of dalliance I had once -enjoyed. So is it ever with such warnings, when youth is unaccustomed -to bit and bridle, and gallops hard away to meet destruction. - - - - -_Chap. xx._: HOW HE GAVE THE FAITHFUL PRIEST OTHER FISH TO FRY, TO -CAUSE HIM TO FORGET HIS OWN HOGGISH LIFE - - -Yet was I not so drowned in lust nor so dull as not to take care to -keep all men's affection so long as I was minded to sojourn in that -fortress, that is, till winter was over. And I knew well what trouble -it might breed for a man if he should earn the ill will of the clergy, -they being folk that in all nations, no matter of what religion they -be, enjoy great credit; so I put on my considering cap, and the very -next day I betook myself hot-foot to the said pastor, and told him in -fine words such a heap of lies, how I had resolved to follow his -advice, that he, as I could see from his carriage, was heartily -rejoiced thereat. - -"Yea," said I, "up till this time, yea and in Soest also, there was -wanting for me nothing but such an angelic counsellor as I have found -in your reverence. Were but the winter over, or at least the weather -better, so that I could travel hence!" And thereafter I begged him to -assist me with his advice as to which University I should attend. To -that he answered, himself had studied in Leyden, but he would counsel -to go to Geneva, for by my speech I must be from the High Germany. -"Jesus Maria!" said I, "Geneva is farther from my home than Leyden." -"Can I believe mine ears?" says he, "'tis plain your honour is a -Papist! Great Heavens, how am I deceived!" "How so, Pastor?" said I, -"must I be a Papist because I will not to Geneva?" "Nay," says he, "but -ye do call upon the name of Mary!" "How," said I, "is't not well for a -Christian to name the mother of his Redeemer?" "True," says he, "yet -would I counsel your honour and beg of him as earnestly as I can to -give honour to God only and further to tell me plainly to what religion -he belongs, for I doubt much if he be Evangelical (though I have seen -him every Sunday in my church), inasmuch as at this last Christmastide -he came not to the table of the Lord neither here nor in the Lutheran -church." "Nay," said I, "but your reverence knows well that I am a -Christian: were I not, I had not been so oft at the preaching: but for -the rest, I must confess that I follow neither Peter nor Paul, but do -believe simply all that the twelve articles of the Christian faith do -contain: nor will I bind myself to either party till one or the other -shall bring me by sufficient proofs to believe that he, rather than the -other, doth possess the one true religion of salvation." Thereupon, -"Now," says he, "do I truly, and that for the first time, understand -that ye have a true soldier's spirit, to risk your life here, there and -everywhere, since ye can so live from day to day without religion or -worship and can so risk your hope of eternal salvation! Great heaven," -says he, "how can a mortal man, that must hereafter be damned or saved, -so defy all? Your honour," says he, "was brought up in Hanau: hath he -learned there no better Christianity than this? Tell me, why do ye not -follow in the footsteps of your parents in the pure religion of Christ, -or why will ye not betake yourself to this our belief, of which the -foundations be so plain both in Holy Writ and nature that neither -Papist nor Lutheran[27] can ever upset them." - -"Your reverence," I answered, "so say all of their own religion: yet -which am I to believe? Think ye 'tis so light a matter for me to -entrust my soul's salvation to any one party that doth revile the other -two and accuse them of false doctrine? I pray you to consider, with -impartial eyes, what Conrad Vetter and Johannes Nas have written -against Luther, and also Luther against the Pope, but most of all what -Spangenberg hath written against Francis of Assisi, which for hundreds -of years hath been held for a holy and God-like man, and all this in -print. To which party shall I betake myself when each says of the other -that 'tis unclean, unclean? Doth your reverence think I am wrong if I -stay awhile till I have got me more understanding and know black from -white? Would any man counsel me to plunge in like a fly into hot soup? -Nay, nay, your reverence cannot upon his conscience do that! Without -question one religion must be right and the other two wrong: and if I -should betake myself to one without ripe reflection I might choose the -wrong as easily as the right, and so repent of my choice for all -eternity. I will sooner keep off the roads altogether than take the -wrong one: besides, there be yet other religions besides these here in -Europe, as those of the Armenians, the Abyssinians, the Greeks, the -Georgians, and so forth, and whichsoever I do choose, then must I with -my fellow believers deny all the rest. But if your reverence will but -play the part of Ananias for me and open mine eyes, I will with -thankfulness follow him and take up that religion to which he belongs." - -Thereupon, "Your honour," says he, "is in a great error: but I pray God -to enlighten him and help him forth of the slough; to which end I will -hereafter so prove to him the truth of our Confession that the gates of -hell shall not prevail against it." I answered I would await such with -great anxiety: yet in my heart I thought, "If thou trouble me no more -anent my lecheries, I will be content with thy belief." - -And so can the reader judge what a godless, wicked rogue I then was: -for I did but give the good pastor fruitless trouble, that he might -leave me undisturbed in my vicious life, and thinks I, "Before thou art -ready with thy proofs I shall belike be where the pepper[28] grows." - - - - -_Chap. xxi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ALL UNAWARES WAS MADE A MARRIED MAN - - -Now over against my lodging there dwelt a lieutenant-colonel on -half-pay, and the same had a very fair daughter of noble carriage, -whose acquaintance I had long desired to make. And though at the first -she seemed not such an one as I could love and no other and cleave to -her for ever, yet I took many a walk for her sake, and wasted many a -loving look; who yet was so carefully guarded against me that never -once could I come to speak with her as I would have wished, neither -might boldly accost her: for I had no acquaintance with her parents, -and indeed they seemed far too high placed for a lad of such low -descent as I deemed myself to be. At the most I could approach her in -the going in and out of church, and then would I take opportunity to -draw near and with great passion would heave out a couple of sighs, -wherein I was a master, though all from a feigned heart. All which she, -on the other hand, received so coldly that I must well believe she was -not to be fooled like any small burgher's daughter: and the more I -thought how hard 'twould be for me to compass her love, the hotter grew -my desire for her. - -But the lucky star which first brought me to her was even that one -which the scholars wear at a certain season, in everlasting remembrance -of how the three wise men were by such a star led to Bethlehem, and I -took it for a good omen that such a star led me to her dwelling also. -For her father sending for me, "Monsieur," says he, "that position of -neutrality which you do hold between citizens and soldiers is the cause -why I have invited you hither: for I have need of an impartial witness -in a matter which I have to settle between two parties." With that I -thought he had some wondrous great undertaking in hand, for papers and -pens lay on the table: so I tendered him my services for all honourable -ends, adding thereto that I should hold it for a great honour indeed if -I were fortunate enough to do him service to his liking. Yet was the -business nothing more than this (as is the usage in many places), to -set up a kingdom, being as 'twas the Eve of the Three Kings: and my -part was to see that all was well and truly performed and the offices -distributed by lot without respect of persons. And for this weighty -concern (at which his secretary also was present) my colonel must have -wine and confectionery served, for he was a doughty drinker and 'twas -already past the time for supper. So then must the secretary write, and -I read out the names, and the young lady draw the lots while her -parents looked on: and how it all happened I know not, but so I made my -first acquaintance in that house: and they complaining greatly how -tedious were the winter nights, gave me to understand I should, to make -them pass more easily, often visit them of evenings, for otherwise they -had no great pastime: which was indeed the very thing I had of long -time desired. - -So from that time forward (though for a while I must be on my good -behaviour with the damsel) I began to play a new part, dancing on the -limed twig and nibbling at the fool's bait till both the maid and her -parents must needs believe I had swallowed the hook, though as yet I -had not (by a long score) any serious intent. I spent all my day in -arraying myself for the night (as witches use to do): and the morrow in -poring over books of love, composing from them amorous letters to my -mistress, as if I dwelt a hundred leagues off or saw her but once in -many years: so at last I was become a familiar of the house, and my -suit not frowned upon by her parents: nay, 'twas even proposed I should -teach the daughter to play the lute. So there I had free entrance, not -only by night but by day also, so that I could now alter my tune and no -longer sing - - "On the bat's back do I fly after sunset merrily," - -but did write a pretty enough ditty, in the which I lauded my good -fortune which had granted me, after so many happy evenings, so many -joyous days also wherein I could feast mine eyes on the charms of my -beloved and be refreshed thereby: yet in the same song did bemoan my -hard fate that made my nights so miserable and granted me not that I -should spend the night, like the day, in sweet enjoyment: which, though -it seemed somewhat bold, I sang to my love with adoring sighs and an -enchanting melody, wherein the lute also bore its part and with me -besought the maid that she would lend her aid to make my nights as -happy as my days. To all which I had but a cold response: for 'twas a -prudent maid and could at will give me a fitting answer to all my -feigned transports, though I might devise them never so wisely. Yet was -I shy of saying aught of matrimony: and if such were touched on in -conversation, then would I make my speech brief and comprest. Of that -my damsel's married sister took note, and therefore barred all access -for me to my mistress, so that we might not be so often together as -before: for she perceived her sister was deep in love with me, and that -the business would not in such fashion end well. - -There is no need to recount all the follies of my courtship, seeing -that the books of love are full of such. It shall suffice for the -gentle reader to know that at last I was bold to kiss my mistress, and -thereafter to engage in other dalliance: which much desired advances I -pursued with all manner of incitements, till at length I was admitted -by her at night and laid myself by her side as naturally as if I were -her own. And here, as every man knoweth what on such a merry tide is -wont to happen, the reader may well suppose that I dealt dishonourably -with the maiden. But no; for all my purpose was defeated, and I found -such resistance as I had never thought to find in any woman: for her -intent was only for honourable marriage, and though I promised all that -and with the most solemn oaths, yet would she grant me nothing before -wedlock but only this, to lie by her: and there at length, (quite worn -out with disgust,) I fell asleep. But presently thereafter was I rudely -awoke: for at four o'clock of the morning there stood my colonel before -my bed, a pistol in one hand and a torch in the other, and "Croat," he -cries to his servant, that stood by him also with a drawn sword, -"Croat, go fetch the parson as quick as may be!" But I awaking and -seeing in what danger I lay, "Alas," thought I, "make thy peace with -God before this man make an end of thee!" And 'twas all green and -yellow before mine eyes, and I knew not whether I should open them or -not. - -"Thou lewd fellow!" says he to me, "must I find thee thus shaming of -mine house? Should I do thee wrong if I break the neck of thee and of -this baggage that hath been thine whore? Ah, thou beast, how can I -refrain myself that I tear not thy heart from thy body and hew it in -pieces and cast it for the dogs to eat?" And with that he gnashed with -his teeth and rolled his eyes like a wild beast, I knowing not what to -say and my bedfellow able to do naught but weep: yet at last I came to -myself somewhat, and would have pleaded our innocence; but he bid me -hold my peace, and now began upon fresh matter, to wit, how he had -trusted me as a very different man and how I had repaid his trust with -the worst treachery in the world: and thereafter came in his lady wife -and began another brand-new sermon, till I would sooner have lain in a -hedge of thorns: nay, I believe she had not stayed her speech for two -hours or more had not the Croat returned with the parson. - -Now before he came I tried once or twice to arise: but the colonel, -with a fierce aspect, bade me lie still: and so I was taught how little -courage a fellow hath that is caught on an ill errand, and how it fares -with the heart of a thief that hath broken a house and is captured yet -having stolen nothing. For I remember the good old days when, if such a -colonel and two such Croats had fallen foul of me, I had made shift to -put all three to flight: but now there I lay like any malingerer and -had not the heart to use my tongue, let alone my fists. - -"See, master parson," quoth my colonel, "the fair sight to which I must -perforce invite you, to be a witness of my shame"--and hardly had he -said the word in his accustomed tone when he began again to yell -hundred devils and thousand curses, till I could understand nothing of -what he said save of breaking of necks and washing of hands in blood; -for he foamed at the mouth like a wild boar and demeaned himself as if -in truth he would take leave of his senses: I thinking every moment, -"Now will he send a ball through thy head." Yet the good parson did his -best to hinder him from any rash deed whereof he might repent him -afterwards: for "How now; Master Colonel," says he, "how now! Give your -own sound reason room to act, and bethink you of the old saying that to -what is done and cannot be undone it behoves to give the handsomest -name: for this fine young couple (which can hardly be matched in the -land) be not the first, nor will be the last, to be overcome by the -invincible power of love. The fault which they have committed (for a -fault we must needs call it) may by themselves be easily repaired. I -cannot indeed approve this way of matching: yet have these young folks -deserved neither gallows nor wheel, nor hath the Herr Colonel any shame -to expect if he will but keep secret and forgive this fault, which -otherwise no man hath knowledge of, and so give his consent to their -marriage and allow such marriage to be confirmed by public ceremony in -church." - -"What?" says the colonel, "am I, instead of punishing them, to come to -them cap in hand and make them my compliments? Sooner would I when the -day comes have them trussed up together and drowned in the Lippe; nay, -ye shall wed them here and that at once, for to this end I had ye -fetcht: else will I wring the necks of both like hens." - -But as to me, my thought was, "What wilt thou do? Wilt thou eat thy -leek or die? At least 'tis such a maid as thou needest not to be shamed -of: and when thou thinkest of thine own lowly descent, say, art thou -worthy to sit where she puts off her shoes?" Yet loud and long I swore -and asseverated we had wrought no dishonour with one another, but got -only for answer, we should have so behaved that none could suspect evil -of us, whereas by our way of dealing we could quiet no man's doubts. So -were we married by the said clergyman, sitting up in bed, and the -ceremony over, were forced to rise and to leave the house. But I, who -had now recovered myself and felt a sword by my side, must crack my -joke: and "Papa-in-law," says I, "I know not why ye should carry -yourself thus scurvily: when other young folk be wedded their next of -kin do bring them to their bed-chamber, but your worship after my -wedding doth cast me forth, not only from my bed but from the house: -and in place of such congratulation as he should give me on my -marriage, doth grudge me even the sight of my good brother-in-law's -face and my service to him. Verily if this fashion hold, there will be -few friendships bred by weddings in this world." - - - - -_Chap. xxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS HELD HIS WEDDING-FEAST AND HOW HE -PURPOSED TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE - -The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young -maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she -went to bed with me. For though this trick which had been played me -stirred up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not so foolish as to -put my bride to shame. And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I -had a thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my -behaviour in this matter. Now thought I, "Thou art rightly served": and -yet again I considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the -world, which I could not in honour pass over without due revenge. But -when I remembered me that such revenge must harm my father-in-law and -also my gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught. At -one time I was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let -no man see me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit -the chief and greatest folly. At the last I concluded that I would -before all things win my father-in-law's friendship again, and would so -carry myself to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as -if I had made all things ready for my wedding. For, said I to myself, -"Seeing that this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give -it a like end: for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage -and wedded like a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will -be thy portion." - -Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have -lain longer. And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had -married my wife's sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I -now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to -prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and -if he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on -my behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as -would promote a peace between me and him. The which he took upon him to -do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry -fashion how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for -making up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had -in a single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the -bedding. But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning -draught, I was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests -to the wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite -himself. - -The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and -because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my -excuse that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that -bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were -never in their sober senses: but whereas they could play the fool -without attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to -their senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me -in a wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to -enact the sober married man more reasonably. Then he demanded me what -of the dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for -the wedding-feast--for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty. -So I answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one -clause--viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight -again. But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I -hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all -marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellowship. So with -such merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for -from me, I obtained that the commandant and my father-in-law, whom he -undertook to persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper. He sent -likewise a cask of wine and a buck to my kitchen: and I made -preparation as if I were to entertain princes, and indeed brought -together a noble company, which did not only make merry with one -another, but in the face of all men did so reconcile my father and -mother-in-law with me that they gave me more blessing that night than -cursing the night before. And so 'twas noised all over the town that -our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest any ill-natured folk -should play some jest upon us. And me this speedy settlement of things -suited full well. For had I come to be married with my banns called -beforehand, as is the usage, 'twas much to be feared there would have -been some baggages that would have given a world of trouble by way of -hindrance: for I had among the burghers' daughters a round half-dozen -that knew me only too well. - -The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so -well as I by far, being miserly. And then I must first say what -profession I was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my -household: wherein I was first aware that I had now lost my noble -freedom and must live henceforth under orders. Yet I carried myself -obediently and was beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a -prudent gentleman, for his advice, to digest and to follow it: which -speech the commandant approved and said, "This being a brisk young -soldier, it were great folly that in the present wars he should think -to follow any but the soldier's trade: for 'tis far better to stable -one's horse in another man's stall than to feed another's nag in one's -own. And so far as I am concerned, I promise him a company whenever he -will." - -For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more, -but shewed the commandant the merchant's receipt, which had my treasure -in keeping at Cologne. "And this," said I, "I must first fetch away -before I take service with the Swedes: for should they learn that I -served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep -my treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the -roadside." This they approved, and so 'twas concluded promised and -resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to -Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress -and there take command of my company. Furthermore a day was named on -which a company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with -the commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant's regiment. For -Count Götz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his -headquarters at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next -spring, and so was seeking to enlist good soldiers. Yet was this care -of his in vain: for the said Count Götz was, by reason of the defeat of -John de Werth in the Breisgau, forced to leave Westphalia that same -spring and take the field against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine. - - - - -_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE -NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE - - -Things do happen in different fashions. To one man ill luck cometh by -degrees and slowly: another it doth fall upon in a heap. So hardly had -I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave -of her and her friends in my huntsman's dress with my gun upon my -shoulder; and because all the roads were well known to me, I came -luckily to my journey's end without danger threatening. Nay, I was seen -of no man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite -Cologne on this side the Rhine. But I saw many, and specially a peasant -in the land of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart; -and his son was still more like the old Simplicissimus. For the lad was -herding swine as I was passing by: and the swine, scenting me, began to -grunt and the lad to curse: "Thunder and lightning strike them and the -devil fly away with them too!" That the maidservant heard, and cried to -the lad not to curse or she would tell his father. The boy answered, -she might kiss ... and burn her mother too: But the peasant hearing it, -runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, "Wait, thou anointed -rascal, I will teach thee to curse; strike thee blind and the devil -take thy carcase": and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped -him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, "Thou wicked boy," says -he, "I'll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I'll kiss ... for thee; -I'll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother." Which manner of -correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not -such decency and piety as to thank God for bringing me out of such -darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding. -And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained -upon me should endure? - -So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was -just then in his right mind. But when I told him wherefore I had come, -he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw; for the -merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt -and had fled: 'tis true my property had been officially sealed up and -the merchant himself cited to appear; but 'twas greatly doubted if he -would return, because he had taken with him all of value that could -easily be carried; and before the case could be settled much water -might flow under the bridges. How pleasing this news was to me any man -can easily judge. I swore like a trooper, but what availed that? I did -not get my property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so: besides, -I had taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so -could not stay so long as the matter required. Moreover, 'twas -dangerous for me to tarry there; for I had reason to fear that, as now -being attached to an enemy's garrison, I might be found out, and so not -only lose my goods but fall into a still worse plight. Yet for me to -return with the matter unsettled, leave my property wilfully behind, -and have naught to show but the way back instead of the way thither, -seemed to me also unwise. At last I determined I would stay in Cologne -till the case was settled, and let my wife know the reason of my delay: -so I betook myself to an advocate, which was a notary, and told him my -case, begging him to help me with counsel and action, for a proper -reward; and if he hastened on the matter I would make him a good -present besides the fixed fees. And as he hoped to get plenty out of me -he received me willingly and undertook to board and lodge me: and -thereupon next day he went with me to the officers whose business it is -to settle bankrupts' affairs, and handed in a certified copy of the -merchant's acknowledgment, and produced the original: to which the -answer was, we must be patient till the full examination of the matter, -inasmuch as the things of which the acknowledgment spoke were not all -to be found. - -So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I -wished to see somewhat of life in great cities. My host was, as I have -said, a notary and advocate: besides which he had half a dozen lodgers, -and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to -travellers: moreover he had both a German and an Italian groom, that -could be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses, -so that with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he -not only earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal: -for because no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make -money in all manner of ways. I did learn much in the time I was with -him, and especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the -chiefest art of the doctor of medicine. For they say if the doctor do -but know the disease, then is the patient already half cured. Now 'twas -my host that furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I -began with him, and thereafter to examine the condition of other -persons. And many a one I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his -own sickness at all and that was held by his neighbours--yea, and by -the doctors too--to be a hale and hearty man. So did I find people that -were sick with evil temper, and when this disease attacked them their -visages were changed like those of devils, they roared like lions, -scratched like cats, laid about them like bears, bit like dogs, and to -shew themselves even worse than savage animals they would throw about -everything that they could get into their hands, like madmen. 'Tis said -this disease ariseth from the gall; but I do rather believe its origin -is in this, that a fool hath a fool's pride: so if thou hear an angry -man rage, especially about a small matter, be thou bold to believe that -man hath more pride than sense. From this disease followeth endless -mischance both for the patient and for others: for the patient, palsy, -gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal death also). Yet can we -with a good conscience refuse to call such men patients, be they never -so dangerously ill, for patience is what they most do lack. Some, too, -I saw quite sick with envy, of whom 'tis said that they eat their own -hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and sad. And this disease -do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming directly from the devil -himself, though yet it spring from mere good fortune which the sick -man's enemy doth enjoy: and he that can quite cure such an one may -wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner to the Christian -belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians, which have a -jealousy only of sin and vice. The gaming passion I hold likewise for a -disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but specially -because they that are infected therewith are mad after the thing as if -poisoned: it hath its rise from idleness and not from greed, as some do -judge; and if thou take away from a man the chances of lust and -idleness, that sickness will of itself depart. Likewise I found that -gluttony is a disease: and that it cometh from habit and not from -overmuch wealth. Poverty is indeed a good protective against it, but -'tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich misers -that starved. It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it, and -that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so -that these patients commonly must of themselves be healed when it comes -to this, that either from poverty or from disease they can devour no -more. As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having its rise in -ignorance: for if a man do but know himself and remember whence he is -and whither he goeth, 'tis clean impossible that he can go on in his -foolish pride. When I do see a peacock or a turkey-cock strut and -gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts -can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady: yet have I -never been able to find a special remedy against it: for they that are -sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen. -Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for -Philemon died of it and Democritus was till his end sick of it. And so -nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died. 'Tis said it -hath its origin in the liver: but I do believe it cometh from -immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man: nor -is it needful to present a remedy for it, since 'tis not only a merry -madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it. Nor -less did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the -female sex: 'tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous, -seeing that we all must pay for our first mother's curiosity. Of the -rest, as sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the passions of love, -and the like, I will for this turn say naught, since 'twas never my -intent to write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed -gave me the hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he -himself was utterly ruled and possessed by greed. - - - - -_Chap. xxiv._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN - - -The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he -scraped together money: he fed with his guests and not his guests with -him, and he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money -they brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it: but he fed us -Swabian fashion and kept a mighty deal back. At the first I ate not -with his guests but with his children and household, because I had -little money with me: there were but little morsels, that were like -Spanish fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty -Westphalian diet. No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only -what had been carried away a week before from the students' table, -pretty well hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as -Methuselah. Over this the hostess, who must do the cooking herself (for -he would pay for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kind of -gravy and bedevilled it with pepper. Yet though the bones were sucked -so dry that one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet -done with, but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when -our miser had a sufficient quantity, they must be chopped up fine and -all the fat that remained boiled out of them. I know not whether this -was used for seasoning soup or greasing shoes. But on fast-days, of -which there happened more than enough, and which were all religiously -observed (for therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of -our teeth on stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other -decayed marine creatures: for he bought all with regard to cheapness -only, and grudged not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and -to pick up what the fishmongers themselves were about to throw away. -Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer -which wellnigh burst my belly, and yet must pass as fine old October. -Besides all this, I learned from his German servant that in summer-time -'twas yet worse: for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of -maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner -and a handful of salad at supper. So I asked him why did he stay with -the old miser. He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must -count more on the drink-money of travellers than on that mouldy old -Jew, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the -cellar-key, for he grudged them even a drop of wine, and, in a word, -was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find; what I had -seen up till now, said he, was nothing: if I did but stay there for a -while I should perceive that he was not ashamed to skin a flea for its -fat. Once, said he, the old fellow had brought home six pounds of tripe -or chitterlings and put it in his larder: but to the great delight of -his children the grating chanced to be open: so they tied a tablespoon -to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up -half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out 'twas the cat had done it. -That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and -weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so -much as his chitterlings. - -Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat -at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students, -however much it might cost: and there 'twas certainly more royal fare; -yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us -were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways--first in -fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our -appetite: yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched -his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal. His wine, too, was -well watered and not of a kind to aid digestion: and the cheese which -was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch -butter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at -breakfast; as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it -was ripe and fit to eat; and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would -begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear: but -secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way. - -Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present: -this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have -game to our dinner: but the German servant said to me we need not lick -our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders -that he need not serve them such dainties; I should go to the Old -Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for -sale. So I cut a bit out of the hare's ear, and as we sat at our midday -meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a -hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would -follow me; for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get -the hare too. Every one of them consented; for they had long desired to -play our host a trick of which he could not complain. So that afternoon -we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the -servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught -for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a -farthing. There we found him in talk with some of the nobles. Now I had -engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to -say, "Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property: -last night 'twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up -willingly, 'tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court." The -huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter: for there stood -the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell; and he -could surely not have stolen it. So as they disputed, they gathered a -crowd round them; which when our miser was ware of and saw which way -the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for -by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame. But the -fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present -the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he -was right and voted him the hare. Meanwhile I drew near with my -company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had -the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we were agreed I -presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it -served up at our table: but the fellow I had engaged with I paid, -instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer. -So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and -dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh: and had I -meant to stay longer in his house, I would have shewn him a few more -such tricks. - - - - - -BOOK IV - - - - -_Chap. i._: HOW AND FOR WHAT REASON THE HUNTSMAN WAS JOCKEYED AWAY INTO -FRANCE - - -If you sharpen a razor too much you will notch the edge, and if you -overbend the bow, at last 'twill break. The trick I played on my host -with the hare was not enough for me, but I devised others to punish his -insatiable greed. So did I teach the boarders to water the salted -butter and so to get rid of the overplus salt; yea, and to grate the -hard cheese like the Parmesans and moisten it with wine, all which -things were to the miser like stabs in his heart. Nay, by my conjuring -tricks at table I drew the water out of the wine, and made a song in -which I compared the skinflint to a sow, from which there was no good -to be looked for till the butcher had her dead upon the trestles. And -so I myself furnished the reason why he paid me, and that well, with -the trick ye shall now hear: for 'twas not my business to play such -pranks in his house. - -The two young nobles that were his boarders received a letter of -exchange, and the command to go into France and there to learn the -language, just at a time when our host's German groom was on his -travels and elsewhere, and to the Italian, said he, he dared not trust -his horses to him to take into France, for he knew little of him and -feared he might forget to come back, and so should he lose his horses: -and therefore he begged of me to do him the greatest service in the -world and to accompany those two noblemen with his horses as far as -Paris, for in any case my suit could not be argued before four weeks -were over; and he for his part would, if I would give him full powers, -so faithfully further my interests as if I were there in person -present. The young noblemen besought me also to the same end, and mine -own desire to see France counselled me thereto: for now could I do this -without special expense, and otherwise must spend those four weeks in -idleness and spend money too. So I took to the road with my two -noblemen, riding as their postilion; and on the way there happened to -me nothing of note. But when we came to Paris and there put up at the -house of our host's correspondent, where also the young noblemen had -their letter of exchange honoured, the very next day not only was I -with the horses arrested, but a fellow that gave out that my host owed -him a sum of money seized upon the beasts, with the leave of the -commissary of the Quartier, and sold them. The Lord only doth know what -I said to all this: but there I sat like a graven image and could not -help myself, far less devise how I could return along a road so long -and at that time so dangerous. The two noblemen shewed me great -sympathy, and therefore honourably gave me a larger gratification: nor -would they have me leave them before I should find either a good master -or a good opportunity to return to Germany. So they hired them a -lodging, and for some days I stayed with them to wait upon one of them, -which by reason of the long journey, as being unused thereto, was -indisposed. And as I shewed myself so polite to him he gave to me all -the clothing he put off: for he would be clad in the newest mode. Their -counsel was, I should stay a couple of years in Paris, and learn the -language: for what I had to fetch from Cologne would not run away. So -as I halted between two opinions and knew not what to do, the doctor -which came every day to cure my sick nobleman heard me once play on the -lute and sing a German ditty to it, which pleased him so that he -offered me a good salary, together with board at his own table, if I -would live with him and teach his two sons: for he knew better than I -how my affairs stood and that I should not refuse a good master. Thus -were we soon agreed, for, both the noblemen furthered the business all -they could, and greatly recommended me: yet would I not engage myself -save from one quarter of a year to the next. - -The doctor spoke German as well as I did and Italian like his mother -tongue: and therefore I was the more pleased to take service with him: -and as I sat at my last meal with my noblemen, he was there too, and -there all manner of sad fancies came into my head: for I thought of my -newly wedded wife, the ensigncy promised me, and my treasure at -Cologne, all which I let myself so easily be persuaded to leave: and as -we came to speak of our former host I had a whim, and said I over the -table, "Who knoweth whether, perhaps, our host have not of intention -trepanned me hither that he may claim and keep my property at Cologne?" -The doctor answered it might very well be so, especial if he deemed me -a fellow of no family. "Nay," said one of the nobles, "if our friend -was sent here to the end he should stay here, 'twas done because he so -plagued the host on account of his avarice." "Nay," said the sick man, -"I believe there is another reason: for as I stood of late in my -chamber I heard the host talk loud with his Italian man; so I listened -to hear what 'twas all about, and at last from the servant's broken -German I understood that the huntsman had accused him to the man's wife -of not tending the horses well: all which the jealous knave, by reason -of the man's imperfect speech, understood wrongly and in a -dishonourable way, and therefore told the Italian he need but wait, for -the huntsman should presently be gone." Since then, too, he had looked -askance upon his wife and grumbled at her more than before, which I had -myself remarked in the fool. Then said the doctor, "From whatever cause -'twas done, I am content that matters have so turned out that he must -remain here. But be not dismayed; I will at the first good opportunity -help you back to Germany. Only write ye to the man at Cologne to have a -care of the money, or he will be called sharply to account. And this -also doth raise suspicion in me that 'tis a plot--namely, that he that -gave himself out for the creditor is a very good friend both of your -host and of his correspondent here, and I do believe the bond, on which -he seized and sold the horses, was brought here by yourself." - - - - -_Chap. ii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND A BETTER HOST THAN BEFORE - - -So Monsieur Canard (for so was my new master called) offered to help me -in word and deed, that I might not lose my property at Cologne; for he -saw how much it troubled me. So as soon as he had me to his house, he -begged I would tell him exactly how my affairs stood, that he might -understand and so devise how I might best be helped. Thereupon I -thought 'twould avail me little if I revealed mine own poor birth, and -so gave out I was a poor German nobleman that had neither father nor -mother, but only some kinsfolk in a fortress wherein was a Swedish -garrison; all which, said I, I had perforce concealed from my host at -Cologne and my two noblemen, as being all of the emperor's party, that -they might not confiscate my money as the enemy's property. My -intention it was, said I, to write to the commandant of the said -fortress, in whose regiment I had been promised an ensigncy, and not -only inform him in what fashion I had been deluded hither but also to -beg him to have the goodness to take possession of my property, and in -the meantime, until I could find opportunity to return to my regiment, -to put it at the disposition of my friends. This plan the good Canard -thought good, and promised me to forward the letters to their proper -place though it were in Mexico or even in China. Accordingly I prepared -letters to my wife, to my father-in-law, and to the colonel S(aint) -A(ndré), commandant in Lippstadt, to whom I addressed the whole packet, -and enclosed the two others. The contents were: that I would present -myself again as speedily as might be, if only I could get the means to -perform so long a journey, and begged both my father-in-law and the -colonel to do their best to endeavour to recover my property by -military process before the grass was grown over it, and gave them a -full list of the amounts in gold, silver, and jewels. All these letters -I drew up in duplicate: and one copy Monsieur Canard took charge of: -the other copy I did entrust to the post, that if one copy should go -astray, the other at least might arrive safely. - -So now was I at ease in my mind again, and was the more able to teach -my master's two sons, which were brought up like young princes: for -because Monsieur Canard was rich, therefore was he beyond all measure -proud, and must make a display; the which disease he had taken from the -great men, with whom he daily had to do, and aped their ways. His house -was like a prince's court, of which it wanted nothing save that none -ever called him "gracious sir," and his conceit was so great that he -would treat a marquis, when such came to visit him, as no better than -himself. He was ready to help poor folk, and would take no small fees, -but forgave them the money that his name might be more renowned. And -because I was ever desirous of knowledge, and because I knew that he -made much show of my person when I followed him with his other servants -on a visit to some great man, I would help him in his laboratory in the -preparation of his medicines. Thus was I become well acquainted with -him, and that the more because it ever pleased him to speak the German -tongue: so once on a time I said to him, why did he not write himself -down as "of" his nobleman's residence which he had newly bought near -Paris for 20,000 crowns, and why he would make simple doctors of his -sons and would have them to study so hard. Were it not better, since he -himself had a title of nobility, to buy them offices, as did other -chevaliers, and so bring them entirely into the class of nobles? "Nay," -he answered, "if I visit a prince, to me 'tis said, 'Master doctor, be -seated,' but to a nobleman, 'Wait thy turn!'" So said I, "But doth the -doctor not know that a physician hath three faces--the first, an -angel's, when the sick man sees him first; the second, God's own, when -he can help the sick; and the third, the devil's own, when a man is -healed and can be rid of him? And so this honour of which ye speak doth -but last so long as the sick man is plagued in his belly: but when 'tis -over and the grumbling past there hath the honour an end, and 'Master -Doctor,' quoth'a, 'there is the door!' And so the nobleman hath more -honour in standing than the doctor in sitting, namely, because he -waiteth ever on his own prince and hath the honour never to leave his -side. Did ye not of late Master Doctor, take of a prince's excrement -into your mouth to try the taste? Now I do say, I would sooner stand -and wait for ten years than meddle with another man's dung, yea, even -though I was bidden to be seated on beds of roses." To that he -answered, "That I need not to have done, but did it willingly, that the -prince might see how desperate anxious I was to understand his -condition, and so my fee might be greater: and why should I not meddle -with another's dirt, that payeth me perhaps a hundred pistoles for it, -and I pay him naught that must eat filth of another kind at my bidding? -Ye talk of the thing like a German: and were ye not a German I had -said, ye talk like a fool." - -With that saying I was content, for I saw he would presently be angry, -and to bring him again into a good humour I begged him he would forgive -my simplicity and began to talk of pleasanter matters. - - - - -_Chap. iii._: HOW HE BECAME A STAGE PLAYER AND GOT HIMSELF A NEW NAME - - -Now as Monsieur Canard had more game to throw away than many have to -eat, which yet have their own preserves, and thus more meat was sent to -him by way of present than he and all his people could eat, so had he -also daily many parasites, so that it seemed as if he kept open house. -And once on a time there visited him the king's Master of the -Ceremonies and other high personages, for whom he prepared a princely -collation, as knowing well whom he needed to keep as his friends, -namely, those that were ever about the king or stood well with him: and -to shew them his great goodwill and give them every pleasure, he begged -that I would, to honour him and to please the high personages present, -let them hear a German song sung to the lute. This I did willingly, -being in the mood (for commonly musicians be whimsical people), and so -busied myself to play my best, and did so please the company that the -Master of the Ceremonies said 'twas great pity I could not speak -French: for so could he commend me greatly to the king and queen. But -my master, that feared lest I might be taken from his service, answered -him, I was of noble birth and thought not to sojourn long in France, -and so could hardly be used as a common musician. Thereupon the Master -of the Ceremonies said he had never in his life found united in one -person such rare beauty, so fine a voice, and such admirable skill upon -the lute: and presently, said he, a comedy was to be played before the -king at the Louvre: and could he but have my services, he hoped to get -great honour thereby. This Monsieur Canard did interpret to me: and I -answered, if they would but tell me what person I was to represent and -what manner of songs I was to sing, I could learn both tune and words -by heart and sing them to my lute, even if they were in the French -tongue: for perhaps my understanding might be as good as that of a -schoolboy such as they commonly use for such parts, though these must -first learn both words and actions by heart. - -So when the Master of the Ceremonies saw me so willing, he would have -me promise to come to him next day in the Louvre to try if I was fit -for the part: and at the time appointed I was there. The tunes of the -songs I had to sing I could play at once perfectly upon the lute; for I -had the notes before me: and thereafter I received the French words, to -learn them by heart and likewise to pronounce them, all which were -interpreted for me in German, that I might use the actions fitted to -the songs. All this was easy enough to me, and I was ready before any -could have expected it, and that so perfectly (as Monsieur Canard -declared) that ninety-nine out of a hundred that heard me sing would -have sworn I was a born Frenchman. And when we came together for the -first rehearsal, I did behave myself so plaintively with my songs, -tunes, and actions that all believed I had often played the part of -Orpheus, which I must then represent, and shew myself vexed for the -loss of my Eurydice. And in all my life I have never had so pleasant a -day as that on which our comedy was played. Monsieur Canard gave me -somewhat to make my voice clearer: but when he tried to improve my -beauty with oleum talci and to powder my curly hair that shone so black -he found he did but spoil all. So now was I crowned with a wreath of -laurel and clad in an antique sea-green robe in which all could see my -neck, the upper part of my breast, my arms above the elbow and my -knees, all bare and naked. About it was wrapped a flesh-coloured cloak -of taffety that was more like a flag than a cloak: and in this attire I -languished over my Eurydice, called on Venus for help in a pretty song, -and at last led off my bride: in all which action I did play my part -excellently, and gazed upon my love with sighs and speaking eyes. But -when I had lost my Eurydice, then did I put on a dress of black -throughout, made like the other, from out of which my white skin shone -like snow. In this did I lament my lost wife, and did conjure up the -case so piteously that in the midst of my sad tunes and melodies the -tears would burst forth and my weeping choked the passage of my song: -yet did I play my part right well till I came before Pluto and -Proserpina in hell. To them I represented in a most moving song their -own love that they bore to each other, and begged them to judge thereby -with what great grief I and my Eurydice must have parted, and prayed -with the most piteous actions (and all the time I sang to my lute) they -would give her leave to return to me: and when they had said me "Yes," -I took my leave with a joyful song to them, and was clever enough so to -change my face, my actions, and my voice to a joyful tune that all that -saw me were astonished. But when I again lost my Eurydice all -unexpectedly I did fancy to myself the greatest danger wherein a man -could find himself, and thereupon became so pale as if I would faint -away: for inasmuch as I was then alone upon the stage and all -spectators looked on me, I played my part the more carefully and got -therefrom the praise of having acted the best. Thereafter I set me on a -rock and began to deplore the loss of my bride with piteous words and a -most mournful melody, and to summon all creatures to weep with me: upon -that, all manner of wild beasts and tame, mountains, trees, and the -like flocked round me, so that in truth it seemed as if 'twere all so -done in unnatural fashion by enchantment. Nor did I make any mistake at -all till the end: but then when I had renounced the company of all -women, had been murdered by the Bacchantes and cast into the water -(which had been so prepared that one could see only my head, for the -rest of my body was beneath the stage in perfect safety), where the -dragon was to devour me, and the fellow that was inside the dragon to -work it could not see my head and so did let the dragon's head wag -about close to mine, this seemed to me so laughable that I could not -choose but make a wry face, which the ladies that looked hard upon me -failed not to perceive. - -From this comedy I earned, besides the high praise that all gave me, -not only an excellent reward, but I got me yet another nickname, for -thenceforth the French would call me naught but "Beau Alman." And as -'twas then carnival-time, many such plays and ballets were represented, -in all which I was employed: but at last I found I was envied by others -because I mightily attracted the spectators, and in especial the women, -to turn their eyes on me: so I made an end of it, and that particularly -because I received much offence on one occasion, when, as I fought with -Achelous for Dejanira, as Hercules, and almost naked, I was so grossly -treated as is not usual in a stage-play. - -By this means I became known to many high personages, and it seemed as -if fortune would again shine upon me: for 'twas even offered me to -enter the king's service, of which many a great Jack hath not the -chance: yet I refused: but much time I spent with ladies of quality -that would have me sing and play to them, for both my person and my -playing pleased them. Nor will I deny that I gave myself up to the -temptations of the Frenchwomen, that entertained me secretly and -rewarded me with many gifts for my services, till in the end I was -wearied of so vile and shameful a trade, and determined so to play the -fool no longer. - - -NOTE.--The fourth and fifth chapters of the original edition are -devoted to a prolix and tedious account of an adventure--if adventure -it may be called--of the kind hinted at in the last sentence of the -third chapter. It is absolutely without connection with -Simplicissimus's career as an actor in the war; has no interest as a -picture of manners; and finally, can be read much better in Bandello, -from whose much livelier story (vol. iv., novel 25, of the complete -editions) it is copied. It is therefore omitted here. - - - - -_Chap. iv._; HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DEPARTED SECRETLY AND HOW HE BELIEVED -HE HAD THE NEAPOLITAN DISEASE - - -By this my occupation I gathered together so many gratifications both -in money and in things of worth that I was troubled for their safety, -and I wondered no longer that women do betake themselves to the stews -and do make a trade of this same beastly and lewd pursuit; since it is -so profitable. But now I did begin to take this matter to heart, not -indeed for any fear of God or prick of conscience, but because I -dreaded that I might be caught in some such trick and paid according to -my deserts. So now I planned to come back to Germany, and that the more -so because the commandant at Lippstadt had written to me he had caught -certain merchants of Cologne, whom he would not let go out of his hands -till my goods were first delivered to him: item, that he still kept for -me the ensigncy he had promised, and would expect me to take it up -before the spring: for if I came not then he must bestow it upon -another. And with his letter my wife sent me one also full of all -loving assurances of her hope to have me back. (Had she but known how I -had lived she had surely sent me a greeting of another sort.) - -Now could I well conceive 'twould be hard to have my congé from -Monsieur Canard, and so did I determine to depart secretly so soon as I -could find opportunity: which (to my great misfortune) I found. For as -I met on a time certain officers of the Duke of Weimar's army, I gave -them to understand I was an ensign of the regiment of colonel S(aint) -A(ndré) and had been a long time in Paris on mine own affairs, yet now -was resolved to return to my regiment, and so begged they would take me -as their travelling-companion on their journey back. So they told me -the day of their departure and were right willing to take me with them: -thereupon I bought me a nag and made my provision for the journey as -secretly as I could, got together my money (which was in all some 500 -doubloons, all which I had earned from those shameless women), and -without asking leave of Monsieur Canard went off with them; yet did I -write to him, and did date the letter from Maestricht; so as he might -think I was gone to Cologne: in this I took leave of him, with the -excuse that I could stay no longer when my business at home required my -presence. - -But two nights out from Paris 'twas with me as with one that hath the -erysipelas, and my head did so ache that next morning I could not rise: -and that in a poor village where I could have no doctor and, what was -worse, none to wait upon me: for the officers rode on their way next -morning and left me there, sick to death, as one that concerned them -not: yet did they commend me and my horse to the host at their -departure and left a message for the mayor of the place that he should -have respect to me as an officer that served the king. So there I lay -for a couple of days and knew naught of myself, but babbled like a -fool. Then they fetched the priest to me: but he could get nothing -reasonable from me: and since he saw he could not heal my soul he -thought on means to help my body as far as might be, to which end he -had me bled and a sudorific given me, and had me put into a warm bed to -sweat. This served me so well that the same night I did know where I -was and whence I had come and that I was sick. Next morning came the -said priest to me again and found me desperate: for not only had my -money all been stolen, but I did believe I had (saving your presence) -the French disease: for I had deserved this more than my pistoles, and -I was spotted over my whole body like a leopard: nor could I either -walk or stand, or sit or lie: and now was my patience at an end: for -though I could not well believe 'twas God had given me the gold I had -lost, yet was I now so reckless that I saw 'twas the devil had stolen -it from me! Yea, and I behaved as if I were quite desperate, so that -the good priest had much ado to comfort me, seeing that the shoe -pinched me in two places. - -"My friend," says he, "behave yourself like a reasonable man, even if -ye cannot embrace your cross like a good Christian. What do ye? Will ye -with your money also lose your life and, what is more, your hopes of -eternal salvation?" So I answered I cared not for the money; if I could -but be rid of this accursed sickness or were at least in a place where -I could be cured. "Ye must have patience," answered the priest, "as -must the poor children of whom there lie in this place over fifty sick -of this disease." So when I heard that children also were sick of it, I -was straightway cheered, for I could not well suppose that such would -catch that filthy disease: so I reached for my valise to see what might -still be there: but save my linen there was naught there but a casket -with a lady's portrait, set round with rubies, that one at Paris had -presented to me. The portrait I took out and gave the rest to the -priest with the request he would turn it into money in the next town, -so that I might have somewhat to live upon. Of which the end was that I -got scarce the third part of its worth, and since that lasted not long -my nag must go too: all which barely kept me till the pock-holes began -to dry and I to get better. - - - - -_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS PONDERED ON HIS PAST LIFE, AND HOW WITH -THE WATER UP TO HIS MOUTH HE LEARNED TO SWIM - - -Wherewithal a man sinneth, therewith is he wont to be punished. This -smallpox did so handle me that thenceforward I needed not to fear the -women. I got such holes in my face that I looked like a barn-floor -whereon they have threshed peas: yea, I became so foul of aspect that -my fine curls in which so many women had been tangled were shamed of me -and left their home: in place of which I got others that were so like a -hog's bristles that I must needs wear a wig, and even as outwardly no -beauty remained to me, so also my sweet voice departed--for I had had -my throat full of sores. Mine eyes, that heretofore none ever found to -lack the fire of love enough to kindle any heart, were now as red and -watery as those of any old wife of eighty years that hath the spleen. -And above all I was in a foreign land, knew neither dog nor man that -would treat me fairly, was ignorant of their language, and had no money -left. - -So now I first began to reflect, and to lament the noble opportunities -which had aforetime been granted to me for the furthering of my -fortunes, which yet I had so wantonly let go by. I looked back and -marked how my extraordinary luck in war and my treasure-trove had been -naught but a cause and preparation for my ill fortune, which had never -been able to cast me so far down had it not by a false countenance -first raised me so high. Yea, I found that the good things that had -happened to me, and which I had accounted truly good, had been truly -bad, and had brought me to the depth of misery. Now was there no longer -a hermit to deal so faithfully with me, no Colonel Ramsay to rescue me -in my need, no priest to give me good advice; and, in a word, no one -man that would do me a good turn: but when my money was gone I was told -to be off and find a place elsewhere, and might, like the prodigal son, -be glad to herd with the swine. So now first I bethought me of that -priest's good advice, that counselled I should employ my youth and my -wealth for study: but 'twas too late to shut the stable-door now that -the horse was stolen. O swift and miserable change! Four weeks ago I -was a fellow to move princes to wonder, to charm women, and that made -the people believe me a masterpiece of nature, yea an angel, but now so -wretched that the very dogs did bark at me. I bethought me a thousand -times what I must do: for the host turned me from the door so soon as I -could pay no more. Gladly would I have enlisted, but no recruiting -officer would take me as a soldier, for I looked like a scarecrow: work -could I not, for I was still too weak, and besides used to no -handicraft. Nothing did comfort me more than that 'twas now summer -coming, and I could at a pinch lodge behind any hedge, for none would -suffer me in any house. I had my fine apparel still, that I had had -made for my journey, besides a valise full of costly linen that none -would buy from me as fearing I might saddle him also with the disease. -This I set on my shoulder, my sword in my hand and the road under my -feet, which led me to a little town that even possessed an apothecary's -shop. Into this I went, and bade him make me an ointment to do away the -pock-marks on my face, and because I had no money I gave him a fine -soft shirt; for he was not so nice as the other fools that would take -no clothes of me. For, I thought, if thou art but rid of these vile -spots, 'twill soon better thy case for thee. - -Yea, and I took the more heart because the apothecary assured me that -in a week one would see little except the deep scars that the sores -had eaten in my face. 'Twas market-day there, and there too was a -tooth-drawer that earned much money, in return for which he was always -ready with his ribald jests for the crowd. "O fool," says I to myself, -"why dost thou not also set up such a trade? Beest thou so long with -Monsieur Canard, and hast not learned enough to deceive a simple -peasant and get thy victuals? Then must thou be a poor creature -indeed." - - - - -_Chap. vi._: HOW HE BECAME A VAGABOND QUACK AND A CHEAT - - -Now at that time was I as hungry as a hunter: for my belly was not to -be appeased; and yet I had naught in my poke save a single golden ring -with a diamond that was worth some twenty crowns. This I sold for -twelve: and because I could plainly see these would last but for a time -if I could earn nothing besides, I determined to turn doctor. So I -bought me the materials for an electuary and made it up: likewise out -of herbs, roots, butter, and aromatic oils a green salve for all -wounds, wherewith one might have cured a galled horse: also out of -calamine, gravel, crab's-eyes, emery, and pumice-stone a powder to make -the teeth white: furthermore a blue tincture out of lye, copper, sal -ammoniac and camphor, to cure scurvy, toothache, and eye-ache. Likewise -I got me a number of little boxes of tin and wood to put my wares in; -and to make a reputable show I had me a bill composed and printed in -French, on which could be read for what purpose each of these remedies -was fitted. And in three days I was ended with my task, and had scarce -spent three crowns on my drugs and gallipots when I left the town. So I -packed all up and determined to walk from one village to another as far -as Alsace and to dispose of my wares on the way, and thereafter, if -opportunity offered, to get to the Rhine at Strassburg to betake myself -with the traders to Cologne, and from there to make my way to my wife. -Which design was good, but the plan failed altogether. - -Now the first time I took my stand before a church with my wares and -offered them my gain was small indeed, for I was far too shamefaced, -and neither would my talk nor my bragging patter run well: and from -that I saw at once I must go another way to work if I would gain money. -So I went with my trumpery into the inn, and at dinner I learned from -the host that in the afternoon all manner of folk would come together -under the lime-tree before his house. And there he said I might sell -something, if only my wares were good: but there were so many rogues in -the land that people were mightily chary of their money unless they had -real proof before their eyes that the medicine was truly good. - -So when I found where the shoe pinched I got me a half-wineglass full -of strong Strassburg Branntwein, and caught a kind of toad called -Reling or Möhmlein, that in spring and summer sits in dirty pools and -croaks, gold colour or nearly salmon colour with black spots on its -belly, most hateful to see. Such an one I put in a wineglass with water -and set it by my wares on a table under the lime-tree. And when the -people began to gather together and stood round me, some thought I -would, with the tongs that I had borrowed from the hostess, pull out -teeth. But I began thus: "My masters and goot frients (for I could -still speak but little French), I be no tooths-cracker, only I haf goot -watter for ze eye, zat make all ze running go way from ze red eye." -"Yea," says one, "that can one see by thine own eyes, that be like to -two will-o'-the-wisps." "And zat is true," says I, "but if I had not ze -watter sure I were quite blint: besides, I sell not ze watter. Ze -elegtuary and ze powder for ze white tooths and ze wound-salve, zese -will I sell, but ze watter I gif avay mit dem! For I be no quack nor no -cheater: I do sell mine elegtuary: and when I haf tried it, if it -blease you not you needs not to puy it." - -So I bade one of them that stood by to choose any one of my boxes of -electuary, out of which I made a pill as large as a pea, and put it -into my Branntwein, which the people took for water, and there pounded -it up and then picked up the toad with the tongs out of the water-glass -and said, "See, my goot frients, if this fenomous worm do drink mine -elegtuary wizout dying, so is ze ting no goot, and zenn puy it not." -With that I put the poor toad, that had been born in water and could -bear no other element or liquor, into the Branntwein, and held it -covered in with a paper so that he could not leap out: which began to -struggle and to wriggle, yea, to do worse than if I had thrown him upon -red-hot coals, for the Branntwein was much too strong for him: and -after a short time he died and stretched out his four legs. At that the -peasants opened their mouths and their purses too when they saw so -plain a proof with their own eyes: for now they believed there could be -no better electuary on earth than mine, and I had enough to do to wrap -up the stuff in the printed papers and take money for it. - -For some of them did buy three, four, five, six times so much, that -they might at need be provided with so sure an antidote against poison: -yea, they bought also for their friends and kinsfolk that dwelt in -other places, so that from this foolery (though 'twas no market-day) I -gained by the evening ten crowns, and still kept more than the half of -my wares. The same night I betook myself to another village, as fearing -lest some peasant should be so curious as to put a toad in water to try -the virtue of my electuary, and if it should fail my back should suffer -for it. - -But to shew the excellence of my antidote in another way, I made me, of -meal, saffron, and galls, a yellow arsenic, and of meal and vitriol a -sublimate of mercury; and when I would show the effect of it I had -ready two like glasses of fresh water on the table, whereof one was -pretty strongly mixed with aqua fortis: into this I stirred a little of -my electuary and dropped in as much of my two poisons as was needed: -then was one water, that had no electuary (but also no aqua fortis) in -it, as black as ink, while the other, by reason of the aqua fortis, -remained as it was. "Aha," said they all, "see, that is truly a -marvellous electuary for so little money!" And then when I poured both -together again the whole was clear once more: at that the good peasants -dragged out their purses and bought of me: which not only helped my -hungry belly, but also I could take horse again, earned much money on -the way, and so came safely to the German border. - -And so, my dear country-folks, put not your faith in quacks: or ye will -be deceived by them, since they seek not your health but your wealth. - - - - -_Chap. vii._: HOW THE DOCTOR WAS FITTED WITH A MUSQUET UNDER CAPTAIN -CURMUDGEON - - -Now as I passed through Lorraine, my wares gave out, and because I must -avoid garrison-towns I had no chance to get more: so must I devise -another plan till I could make electuary again. So I bought me two -measures of Branntwein and coloured it with saffron, and sold it in -half-ounce glasses to the people as a gold water of great price, good -against fever, and so my two measures brought me in thirty gulden. But -my little glasses running short, and I hearing of a glass-maker that -dwelt in the county of Fleckenstein, I betook myself thither to equip -myself afresh, but seeking for by-paths was by chance caught by a -picket from Philippsburg that was quartered in the castle of -Wagelnburg, and so lost all that I had wrung out of the people by my -cheats on the journey; and because the peasant that went with me to -shew the way told the fellows I was a doctor, as a doctor I must -willy-nilly be taken to Philippsburg. There was I examined and spared -not to say who I was in truth; which they believed not, but would make -more of me than I could well be: for I should and must remain a doctor. -Then must I swear I belonged to the Emperor's dragoons in Soest and -declare on my oath all that had happened to me from then to now and -what I now intended. "But," said they, "the Emperor had need of -soldiers as much at Philippsburg as at Soest: and so would they give me -entertainment, till I had good opportunity to come to my regiment: but -if this plan was not to my taste, I might content myself to remain in -prison and be treated as a doctor till I should be released; for as a -doctor I had been taken." - -So I came down from a horse to a donkey, and must become a musqueteer -against my will: which vexed me mightily, for want was master there, -and the rations terrible small: I say not to no purpose "terrible" for -I was terrified every morning when I received mine: for I knew I must -make that suffice for the whole day which I could have made away with -at a meal without trouble. And to tell truth 'tis a poor creature, a -musqueteer, that must so pass his life in a garrison, and make dry -bread suffice him--yea, and not half enough of that: for he is naught -else than a prisoner that prolongs his miserable life with the bread -and water of tribulation: nay, a prisoner hath the better lot, for he -needs neither to watch, nor to go the rounds, nor stand sentry, but -lies at rest and has as much hope as any such poor garrison-soldier in -time at length to get out of his prison. 'Tis true there were some that -bettered their condition, and that in divers ways, but none that -pleased me and seemed to me a reputable way to gain my food. For some -in this miserable plight took to themselves wives (yea, the most vile -women at need) for no other cause than to be kept by the said women's -work, either with sewing, washing and spinning, or with selling of old -clothes and higgling, or even with stealing: there was a she-ensign -among the women that drew her pay as a corporal: another was a midwife, -and so earned many a good meal for herself and her husband: another -could starch and wash: others laundered for the unmarried soldiers and -officers shirts, stockings, sleeping-breeches and I know not what else, -from which they had each her special name. Others did sell tobacco and -provide pipes for the fellows that had need of them: others dealt in -Branntwein: another was a seamstress, and could do all manner of -embroidery and cut patterns to earn money: another gained a livelihood -from the fields only; in winter she gathered snails, in spring -salad-herbs, in summer she took birds'-nests, and in autumn she would -gather fruit of all kinds: a few carried wood for sale like asses, and -others traded with this and that. Yet to gain my support in such a way -was not for me: for I had a wife already. Other fellows did gain a -livelihood by play, for at that they were better than sharpers and -could get their simple comrades' money from them with false dice: but -such a profession I loathed. Others toiled like beasts of burden at the -ramparts; but for that I was too lazy: and some knew and could practise -a trade, but I, poor creature, had learned none such: 'tis true if any -had had need of a musician I could have filled the place well, but that -land of hunger was content with drums and fifes. Some stood sentry for -others and night and day came never off duty, but I would sooner starve -than so torment my body: some got them booty by expeditions: but I was -not even trusted to go outside the gates: others could go a-mousing -better than any cat, but such a trade I hated worse than the plague. In -a word, wherever I turned, I could hit on no way to fill my belly. Yet -what vexed me most of all was this, that I must needs endure all manner -of gibes when my comrades said, "What, thou a doctor, and hast no art -but to starve?" - -At length did hunger force me to inveigle a few fine carp out of the -town ditch up to me on the wall: but as soon as the colonel was ware of -it I must ride the torture-horse for it, and was forbidden on pain of -death to exercise that art further. At the last others' misfortune -proved my good luck. For having cured a few patients of jaundice and -two of fever (all which must have had a particular belief in me), it -was allowed me to go out of the fortress on the pretence of collecting -roots and herbs for my medicines: instead of which I did set snares for -hares and had the luck to catch two the first night: these I brought to -the colonel, and so got not only a thaler as a present, but also leave -to go out and catch hares whensoever I was not on duty. Now because the -country was waste and no man there to catch the beasts, which had -therefore mightily multiplied, there came grist to my mill again, -insomuch that it seemed as if it rained hares, or as if I could charm -them into my snares. So when the officers saw they could trust me I was -allowed to go out on plundering parties: and there I began again my -life as at Soest, save that I might no longer lead and command such -parties as heretofore in Westphalia; for for that 'twas needful to know -all highways and byways and to be well acquainted with the Rhine -stream. - - - - -_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ENDURED A CHEERLESS BATH IN THE RHINE - - -Yet must I tell you of a couple of adventures before I say how I was -again freed from my musquet, and one in truth of great danger to life -and limb, the other only of danger to the soul, wherein I did -obstinately persist: for I will conceal my vices no more than my -virtues, in order that not only may my story be complete, but also that -the untravelled reader may learn what strange blades there be in this -world. - -As I said at the end of the last chapter, I might now go out with -foraging-parties, which in garrison towns is not granted to every loose -customer, but only to good soldiers. So once on a time nineteen of us -together went up to the Rhine to lie in wait for a ship of Basel that -was given out to carry secretly officers and goods of the Duke of -Weimar's army. So above Ottenheim we got us a fishing-boat wherein to -cross over and post ourselves on an eyot that lay handy to compel all -ships that drew near to come to land, to which end ten of us were -safely ferried over by the fisherman. But when one of us that could at -other times row well was fetching over the remaining nine, of whom I -was one, the skiff suddenly capsized and in a twinkling we lay together -in the Rhine. I cared not much for the others, but thought of myself. -But though I strained to the utmost and used all the arts of a good -swimmer, yet the stream played with me as with a ball, tossing me -about, sometimes over, sometimes under. I fought so manfully that I -often came up to get breath: but had it been colder, I had never been -able to hold out so long and to escape with my life. Often did I try to -win to the bank, but the eddies hindered me, tossing me from one side -to another: and though 'twas but a short time before I came opposite -Goldscheur, it seemed to me so long that I despaired of my life. But -when I had passed that village and had made sure I must pass under the -Strassburg Rhine-bridge dead or alive, I was ware of a great tree whose -branches stretched into the river not far from me. To this the stream -flowed straight and strong: for which cause I put forth all the -strength I had left to get to the tree, wherein I was most lucky, so -that by the help both of the water and my own pains I found myself -astride upon the biggest branch, which at first I had taken for a tree: -which same was yet so beaten by waves and whirlpools that it kept -bobbing up and down without ceasing, and so shook up my belly that I -wellnigh spewed up lungs and liver. Hardly could I keep my hold, for -all things danced strangely before my eyes. And fain would I have -slipped into the water again, yet found I was not man enough to endure -even the hundredth part of such labour as I had so far accomplished. So -must I stick there and hope for an uncertain deliverance, which God -must send me if I was to get off alive. But in this respect my -conscience gave me but cold comfort, bidding me remember that I had so -wantonly rejected such gracious help a year or two before; yet did I -hope for the best, and began to pray as piously as I had been reared in -a cloister, determining to live more cleanly in future; yea, and made -divers vows. Thus did I renounce the soldier's life and forswore -plundering for ever, did throw my cartridge-box and knapsack from me, -and naught would suffice me but to become a hermit again and do penance -for my sins, and be thankful to God's mercy for my hoped-for -deliverance till the end of my days, and when I had spent two or three -hours upon the branch between hope and fear there came down the Rhine -that very ship for which I was to help lie in wait. So I lifted up my -voice piteously and screamed for help in the name of God and the last -Judgment, and because they must needs pass close to me, and therefore -the more clearly see my wretched plight, all in the ship were moved to -pity, so that they put to land to devise how best to help me. And -because, by reason of the many eddies that were all round me (being -caused by the roots and branches of the tree), it was not possible to -swim out to me without risk of life nor to come to me with any vessel, -small or great, my helping needed much thought: and how I fared in mind -meanwhile is easy to guess. At last they sent two fellows into the -river above me with a boat, that let a rope float down to me and kept -one end of it themselves. The other end I with great trouble did -secure, and bound it round my body as well as I could, so that I was -drawn up by it into the boat like a fish on a line and so brought into -the ship. - -So now when I had in this fashion escaped death, I had done well to -fall on my knees on the bank and thank God's goodness for my -deliverance, and moreover then begin to amend my life as I had vowed -and promised in my deadly need. But far from it. For when they asked me -who I was and how I had come into this peril I began so to lie to the -people that it might have made the heavens turn black: for I thought, -if thou sayst thou wast minded to help plunder them, they will cast -thee into the Rhine again. So I gave myself out for a banished -organist, and said that as I would to Strassburg to seek a place as -schoolmaster or the like on the upper Rhine, a party had captured me -and stripped me and thrown me into the Rhine, which brought me to that -same tree. And as I contrived to trick out these my lies finely, and -also strengthened them with oaths, I was believed, and all kindness -shewn me in the matter of food and drink to refresh me, of which I had -great need indeed. - -At the custom-house at Strassburg most did land, and I with them, -giving them all thanks; and among them I was ware of a young merchant -whose face and gait and actions gave me to understand that I had seen -him before: yet could I not remember where, but perceived by his speech -that 'twas that very same cornet that had once made me prisoner: and -now could I not conceive how from so fine a young soldier he had been -turned into a merchant, specially since he was a gentleman born. Yea, -my curiosity to know if my eyes and ears deceived me or not urged me to -go to him and say, "Monsieur Schönstein, is it you or not?" to which he -answered, "I am no Herr von Schönstein but a simple trader." "And I -too," says I, "was never a huntsman of Soest but an organist, or rather -a land-tramping beggar." And "O brother!" he answered, "what the devil -trade art thou of? whither art thou bound?" "Brother," said I, "if thou -beest chosen by heaven to help preserve my life, as hath now happened -for the second time, then 'tis certain that my destiny requires that I -should not be far from thee." - -Then did we embrace as two true friends, that had aforetime promised to -love one another to the death. I must to his quarters and tell him all -that had befallen me since I had left Lippstadt for Cologne to fetch my -treasure, nor did I conceal from him how I had intended to lay wait for -their ship with a party, and how we had fared therein. And he on his -part confided to me how he had been sent by the Hessian General Staff -to Duke Bernhard of Weimar on business of the greatest import -concerning the conduct of the war: to bring reports and to confer with -him on future plans and campaigns, all which he had accomplished and -was now on his way back in the disguise of a merchant, as I could see. -By the way also he told me that my bride at his departure was expecting -child-bed, and had been well entreated by her parents and kinsfolk, and -furthermore that the colonel still kept the ensigncy for me. Yet he -jested at me by reason of my pock-marked face, and would have it that -neither my wife nor the other women of Lippstadt would take me for the -Huntsman. So we agreed I should lodge with him and on this opportunity -return to Lippstadt which was what I most desired. And because I had -naught but rags upon me he lent me some trifle in money, wherewith I -equipped myself like to an apprentice-lad. - -But as 'tis said, "What will be, must be," that I now found true: for -as we sailed down the river and the ship was examined at Rheinhausen, -the Philippsburgers knew me again, seized me and carried me off to -Philippsburg, where I had to play the musqueteer as before: all which -angered my friend the cornet as much as myself: for now must we -separate: and he could not much take my part, for he had enough to do -to get through himself. - - - - -_Chap. ix._: WHEREFORE CLERGYMEN SHOULD NEVER EAT HARES THAT HAVE BEEN -TAKEN IN A SNARE - - -Now hath the gentle reader heard in what danger of life I put myself. -But as concerns the danger of my soul 'tis to be understood that as a -musqueteer I became a right desperate fellow, that cared naught for God -and his word. No wickedness was for me too great: and all the -goodnesses and loving kindnesses that I had ever received from God -quite forgotten: and so I cared neither for this world nor the next but -lived like a beast. None would have believed that I had been brought up -with a pious hermit: seldom I went to church and never to confess: and -because I cared so little for my own soul's health, therefore I -troubled my fellow men yet more. Where I could cheat a man I failed not -to do it, yea I prided myself upon it, so that none came off scot-free -from his dealings with me. From this I often got me a whipping, and -still more often the torture-horse; yea, I was often threatened with -the strappado and the gibbet: but naught availed: I went on in my -godless career till it seemed I would play the desperado and run -post-haste to hell. And though I did no deed evil enough to forfeit my -life, yet was I so reckless that, save for sorcerers and sodomites, no -worse man could be found. - -Of this our regiment's chaplain was ware, and being a right zealous -saver of souls, at Eastertide he sent for me to know why I had not been -at Confession and Holy Communion. But I treated his many faithful -warnings as I had done those of the good pastor at Lippstadt, so that -the good man could make naught of me. So when it seemed as if Christ -and His Baptism were lost in me, at the end says he, "O miserable man: -I had believed that thou didst err through ignorance: now know I that -thou goest on in thy sins from pure wickedness and of malice -aforethought. Who, thinkest thou, can feel compassion for thy poor soul -and its damnation? For my part, I protest before God and the world that -I am free of guilt as to that damnation; for I have done, and would -have gone on to do without wearying, all that was necessary to further -thy salvation. But henceforward 'twill not be my duty to do more than -to provide that thy body, when thy poor soul shall leave it in such a -desperate state, shall be conveyed to no dedicated place there to be -buried with other departed pious Christians, but to the carrion-pit -with the carcases of dead beasts, or to that place where are bestowed -other God-forgotten and desperate men." Yet this severe threatening -bore as little fruit as the earlier warnings, and that for this reason -only, that I was shamed to confess. O fool that I was! For often I -would tell of my knaves' tricks in great company and would lie to make -them seem the greater; yet now, when I should be converted and confess -my sins to a single man, and him standing in God's place, to receive -absolution, then was I as a stock or a stone. I say the truth: I was -stockish; and stockish I remained: for I answered, "I do serve the -Emperor as a soldier: and if I die as a soldier, 'twill be no wonder if -I, like other soldiers (which cannot always be buried in holy ground, -but must be content to lie anywhere on the field in ditches or in the -maw of wolf and raven), must make shift outside the churchyard." - -And so I left the priest, which for his holy zeal for souls had no more -return from me than that once I refused him a hare, which he urgently -begged from me, on the pretence that since it had hanged itself in a -noose and so taken its own life, therefore as a self-murderer it might -not be buried in a holy place. - - - - -_Chap. x._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS ALL UNEXPECTEDLY QUIT OF HIS MUSQUET - - -So were things no better with me, but the longer the worse. Once did -the colonel say to me he would discharge me for a rogue, since I would -do no good. But because I knew he meant it not, I said 'twas easy -enough, if only he would dismiss the hangman too, to bear me company. -So he let it pass, for well could he conceive that I should hold it for -no punishment but for a favour if he would let me go: and against my -will I must remain a musqueteer and starve till the summer. But the -nearer Count von Götz came with his army, the nearer came also my -deliverance: for when that general had his headquarters at Bruchsal, my -friend Herzbruder, that I had so faithfully helped with my money in the -camp before Magdeburg, was sent by the staff on certain business to our -fortress, where all shewed him great honour. I was even then sentry -before the colonel's quarters, and though he wore a coat of black -velvet, yet I knew him at first sight, yet had not the heart to speak -to him at once, as fearing lest, after the way of the world, he should -be ashamed of me or would not know me, for by his clothes he was now of -high rank and I but a lousy musqueteer. But so soon as I was relieved I -asked of his servants his name and rank, to be assured that I did not -address another in his place, and yet I had not the courage to speak to -him, but wrote this billet to him and caused it to be handed to him in -the morning by his chamberlain. - - -"Monsieur, etc.,--If it should please my worshipful master by his high -influence to deliver one whom he once by his bravery saved from bonds -and fetters on the field of Wittstock, from the most miserable -condition in the world, into which he hath been tossed like a ball by -unkind fortune, 'twould cost him little pains and he would for ever -oblige one, in any case his faithful servant but now the most wretched -and deserted of men.--S. SIMPLICISSIMUS." - - -No sooner had he read this than he had me to him and "Fellow -countryman," says he, "where is the man that gave thee this?" "Sir," I -answered, "he is a captive in this fortress." "Well," says he, "now go -to him and say I would deliver him an he had the halter round his -neck." "Sir," said I, "'twill not need so much trouble, for I am poor -Simplicissimus himself, come not only to give thanks for his rescue at -Wittstock, but also to beg to be freed from the musquet which I have -been forced against my will to carry." But he suffered me not to make -an end, but by embracing me shewed me how ready he was to help me: in a -word, he did all that one faithful friend can do for another; and -before he asked me how I came into the fortress and to such a service, -he sent his servant to the Jew to buy me a horse and clothing. And -meanwhile I told him how it had fared with me since his father had died -before Magdeburg, and when he heard I was the Huntsman of Soest (whose -many famous exploits he had heard of) he lamented that he had not known -such before, for so could he well have helped me to a company. So when -the Jew came with a whole burden of soldiers' clothes, he chose out the -best for me, bade me clothe myself, and so took me with him to the -colonel. And to him, "Sir," says he, "I have in your garrison found -this good fellow here present, to whom I am so much bounden that I -cannot leave him in this low estate even if his good qualities deserved -no better: and therefore I beg the colonel to do me this favour, and -either to give him a better place or to allow me to take him with me -and to further his promotion in the army, for which perhaps the colonel -has no great opportunity here." At that the colonel crossed himself for -sheer wonder to hear any man praise me; and says he, "Your honour will -forgive me if I say it is his part to try whether I am willing to serve -him so far as his deserts do require: and so far as that goes, let him -demand aught else that lies in my power and he shall understand my -willingness by my actions. But as to this fellow, he is, according to -his own showing, no soldier of mine, but belongs to a regiment of -dragoons, and is besides so pestilent a companion that since he hath -been here he hath given more work to my provost than a whole company, -so that I must needs believe no water will ever drown him." So he ended -with a laugh and wished me luck. - -But for Herzbruder this was not enough but he further begged the -colonel not to refuse to invite me to his table, which favour he also -obtained: and this he did to the end that he might tell the colonel in -my presence what he only knew of me by hearsay in Westphalia from the -Count von der Wahl and the commandant of Soest, all which actions he so -praised that all must hold me for a good soldier. And I too carried -myself so modestly that the colonel and his people that had known me -before could but believe that with my new clothes I had become a new -man. Moreover, when the colonel would know how I had gotten the name of -doctor, I told them the whole story of my journey from Paris to -Philippsburg and how many peasants I had cheated to fill my belly: at -which they laughed heartily. And in the end I confessed openly it had -been my intention so to vex and weary him, the colonel, with all manner -of tricks, that he must at last turn me out of the garrison, if he -would live at peace from all the complaints that I caused him. -Thereupon he told of many rogueries I had committed while in the -garrison, for example, how I had boiled up beans, poured grease over -them, and sold the whole for pure grease; also sand for salt, filling -the sacks with sand below and salt above; and again, how I had made a -fool of one here and another there, and had made a jest of every man, -so that during the whole meal they spoke only of me. Yet had I not had -such a friend at court these same acts would have been held deserving -of severe punishment. And so I drew my conclusion how 'twould go at -court if a rogue should gain a prince's favour. - -Our meal ended, we found the Jew had no horse which would serve -Herzbruder for me: but as he stood in such esteem that the colonel -could hardly afford to lose his good word, therefore he presented us -with one from his own stable, saddle and bridle and all, on which my -lord Simplicissimus was set and with his friend Herzbruder rode -joyfully forth from the fortress. And some of my comrades did cry, -"Good luck, brother, good luck," but others from envy, "The longer the -halter the greater the luck." - - - - -_Chap. xi._: DISCOURSES OF THE ORDER OF THE MARAUDER BROTHERS - - -Now on the way Herzbruder agreed with me that I should give myself out -for his cousin that I might receive greater respect: and he for his -part would get me a horse and a servant and send me to the regiment of -Neuneck, wherein I could serve as a volunteer till an officer's place -should fall vacant in the army, to which he could help me. And so in a -wink I became a fellow that looked like a good soldier: but in that -summer I did no great deeds, save that I helped to steal a few cattle -here and there in the Black Forest and made myself well acquainted with -the Breisgau and Alsace. For the rest, I had scant luck, for when my -servant and his horse had been captured by the Weimar troops at -Kenzingen I must needs work the other harder, and in the end so ride -him to death that I was fain to join the order of the "Merode-brüder." -My friend Herzbruder indeed would willingly have equipped me again: but -seeing that I had so soon got rid of the first two horses, he held -back, and thought to let me kick my heels till I had learned more -foresight: nor did I desire it, for I found in my new companions so -pleasant a society that till winter quarters should come I wished for -no better employ. - -Now must I tell you somewhat of these Merode brothers, for without -doubt there be some, and specially those that be ignorant of war, that -know not who these people be. And so have I never found any writer that -hath included in his work an account of their manners, customs, rights, -and privileges: besides which 'tis well worth while that not only the -generals of these days but also the peasants should know what this -brotherhood is. And first as concerns their name, I do hope 'twill be -no disgrace to that honourable cavalier in whose service they got that -name, or I could not so openly tack it on to any man. For I once saw a -kind of shoe that had in place of eyelet-holes twisted cords, that a -man might more easily stamp through the mud: and these were called -Mansfeld's shoes because his troops first devised them. Yet should any -call Count Mansfeld himself "Cobbler" on that account, I would count -him for a fool. And so must you understand this name, that will last as -long as Germans do make war: and this was the beginning of it: when -this gentleman (Merode) first brought a newly raised regiment to the -army his recruits proved as weak and crazy in body as the Bretons,[29] -so that they could not endure the marching and other fatigues to which -a soldier must submit in the field, for which reason their brigade soon -became so weak that it could hardly protect the colours, and wherever -you found one or more sick and lame in the market-place or in houses, -and behind fences and hedges, and asked, "Of what regiment?" the answer -was wellnigh always "Of Merode." - -Hence it arose that at length all that, whether sick or sound, wounded -or not, were found straggling off the line of march or else did not -have their quarters in the field with their own regiment, were called -"Merode-brothers," just as before they were known as "swine-catchers" -and "bee-taylors": for they be like to the drones in the beehives which -when they have lost their sting can work no more nor make honey, but -only eat. If a trooper lose his horse or a musqueteer his health, or -his wife and child fall ill and must stay behind, at once you have a -pair and a half of Merode-brothers, a crew that can be compared with -none but gipsies, for not only do they straggle round the army in -front, in the flanks, in the middle, as it pleases them, but also they -be like the gipsies in manners and customs. For you can see them -huddled together (like partridges in winter) behind the hedges in the -shade or, if the season require it, in the sun, or else lying round a -fire smoking tobacco and idling, while the good soldier meanwhile must -endure with the colours heat, thirst, hunger, and all manner of misery. -Here again goes a pack of them pilfering alongside the line of march, -while many a poor soldier is ready to sink under the weight of his -arms. They plunder all they can find before, behind, and beside the -army: and what they cannot consume that they spoil, so that the -regiments, when they come to their quarters or into camp, do often find -not even a good draught of water; and when they are strictly forced to -stay with the baggage-train, you will often find this greater in number -than the army itself. And though they do march together and lodge -together, fight and make common cause, yet have they no captain to -order them, no Feldwebel nor sergeant to dust their jackets, no -corporal to rouse them up, no drummer to summon them to picket or -bivouac duty, and, in a word, no one to bring them into the line of -battle like an adjutant nor to assign them their lodgings like a -quartermaster, but they live like noblemen. Howbeit whenever a -commissariat-officer comes, they are the first to claim their share, -undeserved though it be. Yet are the Provost-marshal and his fellows -their greatest plague, being such as at times, when they play their -tricks too scurvily, do set iron bracelets on their hands and feet, or -even adorn them with a hempen collar and hang them up by their precious -necks. They keep no watch, they dig no trenches, they serve on no -forlorn hope, and they will never fight in line of battle, yet they be -well nourished and fed. But what damage the general, the peasant, and -the whole army, in which many such companions are to be found, do -suffer, is not to be described. The basest of horse-boys, that doth -naught but forage, is worth to the general more than one thousand such, -that do make a trade of such foraging and lie at ease without excuse -upon their bear-skins,[30] till they be taken off by the adversary or -be rapped over the fingers when they do meddle with the peasants. So is -the army weakened and the enemy strengthened: and even if a scurvy -rogue of this kind (I mean not the poor sick man, but the riders -without horses that for sheer neglect do let their horses perish, and -betake themselves to the brotherhood to save their skins) do so pass -the summer, yet all the use one can have of him is to equip him again -for the winter at great cost that he may have somewhat to lose in the -next campaign. 'Twere well to couple such together like greyhounds and -teach them to make war in garrison towns, or even make them toil in -chains in the galleys, if they will not serve on foot in the field till -they can get a horse again. I say naught here of the many villages -that, by chance or by malice, have been burned down by them; how many -of their own comrades they entice away, plunder, rob, and even murder, -nor how many a spy can be concealed among them if he know but enough to -give the name of a regiment and a company in the army. To this -honourable brotherhood I now must belong, and so remained till the day -before the Battle of Wittenweier, at which time our headquarters were -at Schüttern: for going then with my comrades into the county of -Geroldseck to steal cows and oxen I was taken prisoner by the troops of -Weimar, that knew far better how to treat us, for they made us take -musquets and distributed us in different regiments: and so I came into -Hattstein's regiment. - - - - -_Chap. xii._: OF A DESPERATE FIGHT FOR LIFE IN WHICH EACH PARTY DOTH -YET ESCAPE DEATH - - -Now could I well understand I was born but for misfortune, for some -weeks before the engagement happened I heard some lower officers of -Götz's army that talked of our war: and says one, "Without a battle -will this summer not pass: and if we win, in the next winter we shall -surely take Freiburg and the Forest-towns: but if we earn a defeat we -shall earn winter quarters too." Upon this prophecy I laid my plans and -said to myself, "Now rejoice thee, Simplicissimus, for next spring thou -wilt drink good wine of the Lake and the Neckar and wilt enjoy all that -the troops of Weimar can win." Yet therein I was mightily deceived, for -being now of those troops myself, I was predestinated to help lay siege -to Breisach, for that siege was fully set afoot presently after the -Battle of Wittenweier, and there must I, like other musqueteers, watch -and dig trenches day and night, and gained naught thereby save that I -learnt how to assail a fortress by approaches, to which matter I had -paid but scant attention in the camp before Magdeburg. For the rest, I -was but lousily provided for, for two or three must lodge together, our -purses were empty, and so were wine, beer, and meat a rarity. Apples, -with half as much bread as I could eat, were my finest dainties. And -'twas hard for me to bear this when I reflected on the fleshpots of -Egypt, that is, on the Westphalian hams and sausages of Lippstadt. Yet -did I think but little on my wife, and when I did so I did but plague -myself with the thought that she might be untrue to me. At last was I -so impatient that I declared to my captain how my affairs stood and -wrote by the post to Lippstadt, and so heard from Colonel Saint André -and my father-in-law that they had, by letters to the Duke of Weimar, -secured that my captain should let me go with a pass. - -So about a week or four days before Christmas I marched away with a -good musquet on my shoulder from the camp down through the Breisgau, -being minded at this same Christmas-tide to receive at Strassburg -twenty thalers sent to me by my brother-in-law, and then to betake -myself down the Rhine with the traders, since now there were no -Emperor's garrisons on the road. But when I was now past Endingen and -came to a lonely house, a shot was fired at me so close that the ball -grazed the rim of my hat, and forthwith there sprang out upon me a -strong, broad-shouldered fellow, crying to me to lay down my gun. So I -answered, "By God, my friend, not to please thee," and therewith cocked -my piece. Thereupon he whipped out a monstrous thing that was more like -to a headsman's sword than a rapier, and rushed upon me: and now that I -saw his true intent I pulled the trigger and hit him so fair on the -forehead that he reeled, and at last fell. So to take my advantage of -this I quickly wrested his sword out of his hand and would have run him -through with it, but it would not pierce him; and then suddenly he -sprang to his feet and seized me by the hair and I him, but his sword I -had thrown away. So upon that we began such a serious game together as -plainly shewed the bitter rage of each against the other, and yet could -neither be the other's master: now was I on top, and now he, and for a -moment both on our feet, which lasted not long, for each would have the -other's life. But as the blood gushed out in streams from my nose and -mouth I spat it into mine enemy's face, since he so greatly desired it: -and that served me well, for it hindered him from seeing. And so we -hauled each other about in the snow for more than an hour, till we were -so weary that to all appearance the weakness of one could not, with -fists alone, have overcome the weariness of the other; nor could either -have compassed the death of the other of his own strength and without -weapon. Yet the art of wrestling, wherein I had often exercised myself -at Lippstadt, now served me well, or I had doubtless paid the penalty: -for my enemy was stronger than I, and moreover proof against steel. So -when we had wearied us wellnigh to death says he at last, "Brother, -hold, I cry you mercy." - -So says I, "Nay, thou hadst best have let me pass at the first." "And -what profit hast thou if I die?" quoth he. "Yea," said I, "and what -profit hadst thou had if thou hadst shot me dead, seeing that I have -not a penny in my pocket?" On that he begged my pardon, and I granted -it, and suffered him to stand up after he had sworn to me solemnly that -he would not only keep the peace but would be my faithful friend and -servant. Yet had I neither believed nor trusted him had I then known of -the villainies he had already wrought. But when we were on our feet we -shook hands upon this, that what had happened should be forgotten, and -each wondered that he had found his master in the other; for he -supposed that I was clad in the same rogue's hide as himself: and that -I suffered him to believe, lest when he had gotten his gun again he -should once more attack me. He had from my bullet a great bruise on his -forehead, and I too had lost much blood. Yet both were sorest about our -necks, which were so twisted that neither could hold his head upright. - -But as it drew towards evening, and my adversary told me that till I -came to the Kinzig I should meet neither dog nor cat, still less a man, -whereas he had in a lonely hut not far from the road a good piece of -meat and a draught of the best, I let myself be persuaded and went with -him, he protesting with sighs all the way how it grieved him to have -done me a hurt. - - - - -_Chap. xiii._: HOW OLIVER CONCEIVED THAT HE COULD EXCUSE HIS BRIGAND'S -TRICKS - - -A determined soldier whose business it is to hold his life cheap and to -adventure it easily, is but a stupid creature. Out of a thousand -fellows you could hardly have found one that would have gone as a guest -to an unknown place with one that had even now tried to murder him. On -the way I asked him which army he was of. So he said, he served no -prince but was his own master, and asked of what party I was. I -answered I had served the Duke of Weimar but had now my discharge, and -was minded to betake myself home. Then he asked my name, and when I -said "Simplicius" he turned him round (for I made him walk before me -because I trusted him not) and looked me straight in the face. "Is not -thy name also Simplicissimus?" quoth he. "Yea," says I, "he is a rogue -that denies his own name: and who art thou?" "Why, brother," he -answered, "I am Oliver, whom thou wilt surely remember before -Magdeburg." With that he cast away his gun and fell on his knees to beg -for my pardon that he had meant to do me an ill turn, saying he could -well conceive he could have no better friend in the world than he would -find in me, since according to old Herzbruder's prophecy I was so -bravely to avenge his death. And I for my part did wonder at so strange -a meeting, but he said, "This is nothing new: mountain and valley can -never meet, but what is truly strange is this, that I from a secretary -have become a footpad and thou from a fool a brave soldier. Be ye sure, -brother, that if there were ten thousand like us, we could relieve -Breisach to-morrow and in the end make ourselves masters of the whole -world." - -With such talk we came at nightfall to a little remote labourer's -cottage: and though such boasting pleased me not, yet I said "Yea," -chiefly because his rogue's temper was well known to me, and though I -trusted him not at all, yet went I with him into the said house, in -which a peasant was even then lighting a fire: to him said Oliver, -"Hast thou aught ready cooked?" "Nay," said the peasant, "but I have -still the cold leg of veal that I brought from Waldkirch." "Well then," -said Oliver, "go bring it here and likewise the little cask of wine." -So when the peasant was gone, "Brother," said I (for so I called him to -be safer with him) "thou hast a willing host." "Oh, devil thank the -rogue," says he, "I do keep his wife and child for him and also he doth -earn good booty for himself; for I do leave for him all the clothes -that I capture, for him to turn to his own profit." So I asked where he -kept his wife and child; to which Oliver answered, he had them in -safety in Freiburg, where he visited them twice a week, and brought him -from thence his food, as well as powder and shot. And further he told -me he had long practised this freebooter's trade, and that it profited -him more than to serve any lord: nor did he think to give it up till he -had properly filled his purse. "Brother," says I, "thou livest in a -dangerous estate, and if thou art caught in such a villainy, how -thinkest thou 'twould fare with thee?" "Aha," says he, "I perceive thou -art still the old Simplicissimus: I know well that he that would win -must stake somewhat: but remember that their lordships[31] of Nuremberg -hang no man till they catch him." So I answered, "Yea, but put the -case, brother, that thou art not caught, which is yet but unlikely, -since the pitcher that goes often to the well must break at last, yet -is such a life as thou leadest the most shameful in the world, so that -I scarce can believe thou canst desire to die in it." - -"What?" says he, "the most shameful? My brave Simplicissimus, I assure -thee that robbery is the most noble exercise that one in these days can -find in the world. Tell me how many kingdoms and principalities be -there that have not been stolen by violence and so taken. Or is it ever -counted for evil of a king or a prince in the whole world that he -enjoys the revenues of his lands, which commonly have been gained by -his forefathers with violence and conquest? Yea, what could be named -more noble than the trade that I now follow? I well perceive that thou -wouldst fain preach me a sermon showing how many have been hanged, -drawn, and quartered for murder and robbery: but that I know already, -for so the laws do command: yet wilt thou see none but poor and -miserable thieves so put to death, as they indeed deserve for -undertaking this noble craft, which is reserved for men of high parts -and capacity. But when hast thou ever seen a person of quality punished -by justice for that he has oppressed his people too much? Yea, and more -than that, when is the usurer punished, that yet doth pursue this noble -trade in secret, and that too under the cloak of Christian love? Why, -then, should I be punishable, I that practise it openly without -concealment or hypocrisy? My good Simplicissimus, thou hast never read -thy Machiavel. I am a man of honest mood, and do follow this manner of -life openly and without shame. I do fight and do adventure my life upon -it like the heroes of old, and do know that such trades, and likewise -he that follows them, stand ever in peril: but since I do adventure my -life thereupon, it doth follow without contradiction that 'tis but just -and fair I should be allowed to follow my trade." - -To that I answered, "Whether robbery and theft be allowed to thee or -not, yet do I know that this is against the order of nature, that will -not have it so that any man should do to another what he would not have -done to himself. And this is wrong, too, as against the laws of this -world, which ordain that thieves shall be hanged and robbers beheaded -and murderers broken on the wheel: and lastly, 'tis also against the -laws of God, which is the chiefest point of all: for He doth leave no -sin unpunished." "Yea," said Oliver, "'tis as I said: thou art still -the same old Simplicissimus that hath not yet studied his Machiavel: -but if I could but set up a monarchy in this fashion, then would I fain -see who would preach to me against it." - -And so had we disputed longer: but then came the peasant with meat and -drink, and so we sat together and appeased our hunger, of which I at -least had much need. - - - - -_Chap. xiv._: HOW OLIVER EXPLAINED HERZBRUDER'S PROPHECY TO HIS OWN -PROFIT, AND SO CAME TO LOVE HIS WORST ENEMY - - -Our food was white bread and a cold leg of veal. And moreover we had a -good sup of wine and a warm room. "Aha! Simplicissimus," said Oliver, -"'tis better here than in the trenches before Breisach." "True," said -I, "if one could enjoy such a life with safety and a good conscience." -At that he laughed loud, and says he, "Yea, are the poor devils in the -trenches safer than we, that must every moment expect a sally of the -garrison? My good Simplicissimus, I do plainly see that, though thou -hast cast aside thy fool's cap, thou hast kept thy fool's head, that -cannot understand what is good and what is bad. And if thou wert any -but that same Simplicissimus that after Herzbruder's prophecy must -avenge my death, I would make thee to confess that I do lead a nobler -life than any baron." With that I did think, "How will it go now? Thou -must devise another manner of speech, or this barbarous creature with -the help of his peasant may well make an end of thee." So says I, "Who -did ever hear at any time that the scholar should know more than the -master? And so, brother, if thou hast so happy a life as thou dost -pretend, give me a share in thy good luck, for of good luck I have -great need." - -To which Oliver answered, "Brother, be thou assured that I love thee as -mine own self, and that the affront I put upon thee to-day doth pain me -more than the bullet wherewith thou didst wound my forehead, when thou -didst so defend thyself as should any proper man of courage. Therefore -why should I deny thee anything? If it please thee, stay thou here with -me: I will provide for thee as for myself. Or if thou hast no desire to -stay with me, then will I give thee a good purse of money and go with -thee whithersoever thou wilt. And that thou mayest believe that these -words do come from my heart, I will tell thee the reason wherefore I do -hold thee in such esteem: thou dost know how rightly old Herzbruder did -hit it off with his prophecies: and look you, that same did so prophesy -to me when we lay before Magdeburg, saying, 'Oliver, look upon our fool -as thou wilt, yet will he astonish thee by his courage, and play thee -the worst tricks thou hast ever known, for which thou shalt give him -good cause at a time when ye know not one another. Yet will he not only -spare thy life when it is in his hands, but after a long time he will -come to the place where thou art to be slain: and there will he avenge -thy death.' And for the sake of this prophecy, my dear Simplicissimus, -am I ready to share with thee the very heart in my breast. For already -is a part of that prophecy fulfilled, seeing that I gave thee good -reason to shoot me in the head like a valiant soldier and to take my -sword from me (which no other hath ever done) and to grant me my life, -when I lay under thee and was choking in blood: and so I doubt not that -the rest of the prophecy which concerns my life shall be fulfilled. And -from this matter of the revenge I must conclude, brother, that thou art -my true friend, for an thou wert not, thou wouldest not take upon thee -to avenge me. And now thou hast the innermost thoughts of my heart: so -now do thou tell me what thou art minded to do." Upon that I thought, -"The devil trust thee, for I do not: if I take money from thee for the -journey I may well be the first whom thou slayest: and if I stay with -thee I must expect some time to be hanged with thee." So I determined I -would befool him, tarrying with him till I could find opportunity to be -quit of him: and so I said if he would suffer me I would stay with him -a day or a week to see if I could accustom myself to his manner of -life: and if it pleased me he should find in me a true friend and a -good soldier: and if it pleased me not, we could at any time part in -peace. And on that he drank to my health, yet I trusted him not, and -feigned to be drunken before I was so, to see if he would be at me when -I could not defend myself. - -Meanwhile the fleas did mightily plague me, whereof I had brought good -store from Breisach; for when it grew warm they were no longer content -to remain in my rags but walked abroad to take their pleasure. Of that -Oliver was aware, and asked me had I lice? To which I answered, "Yea, -indeed, and more than I can hope to have ducats in my life." "Say not -so," said Oliver, "for if thou wilt abide with me thou canst earn more -ducats than thou hast lice now." I answered, "'Tis as impossible as -that I can be quit of my lice." "Yea," says he, "but both are -possible": and with that he commanded the peasant to fetch me a suit -that lay in a hollow tree near the house; which was a grey hat, a cape -of elk-skin, a pair of scarlet breeches, and a grey coat: and shoes and -stockings would he give me next day. So as I saw him so generous I -trusted him somewhat better than before, and went to bed content. - - - - -_Chap. xv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS THOUGHT MORE PIOUSLY WHEN HE WENT -A-PLUNDERING THAN DID OLIVER WHEN HE WENT TO CHURCH - - -So the next morning, as day began to break, says Oliver, "Up, -Simplicissimus; we will fare forth in God's name to see what we can -come by." "Good Lord," thought I, "must I then in thy holy name go -a-thieving?" I that aforetime when I left my good hermit could not hear -without marvelling when one man said to another, "Come, brother, we -will in God's name take off a cup of wine together"? for that I counted -a double sin, that a man should be drunken, and drunken in God's name. -"My heavenly Father," thought I, "how am I changed since then! My -faithful Lord, what will at last become of me if I turn not? Oh! check -thou my course, that will assuredly bring me to hell if I repent not." - -So speaking and so thinking did I follow Oliver to a village wherein -was no living creature: and there to have a better view we did go up -into the church steeple: there had he in hiding the shoes and stockings -that he had promised me the night before, and moreover two loaves of -bread, some pieces of dried meat, and a barrel half full of wine, which -would have easily afforded him provision for a week. So while I was -putting on what he gave me he told me here was the place where he was -wont to wait when he hoped for good booty, to which end he had so well -provisioned himself, and, in a word, told me he had several such -places, provided with meat and drink, so that if he could not find a -friend at home in one place he might catch him elsewhere. For this must -I praise his prudence, yet gave him to understand that 'twas not well -so to misuse a place that was dedicated to God's service. "What," says -he, "misuse? The churches themselves if they could speak would confess -that what I do in them is naught in comparison with the sins that have -aforetime been committed in them. How many a man and how many a woman, -thinkst thou, have come into this church since it was built, on -pretence of serving God, but truly only to shew their new clothes, -their fine figure, and all their bravery! Here cometh one into church -like a peacock and putteth himself so before the altar as he would pray -the very feet off the saints' images! And there standeth another in a -corner to sigh like the publican in the temple, which sighs be yet only -for his mistress on whose face he feedeth his eyes, yea, for whose sake -he is come thither. Another cometh to the church with a packet of -papers like one that gathereth contributions for a fire, yet more to -put his debtors in mind than to pray: and an he had not known those -debtors would be in the church he had sat at home over his ledgers. -Yea, it doth happen often that when our masters will give notice of -aught to a parish, it must be done of a Sunday in the church, for which -reason many a farmer doth fear the church more than any poor sinner -doth fear the judge and jury. And thinkest thou not there be many -buried in churches that have deserved sword, gallows, fire, and wheel? -Many a man could not have brought his lecherous intent to a good end -had not the church helped him. Is a bargain to be driven or a loan to -be granted, 'tis done at the church door. Many a usurer there is that -can spare no time in the week to reckon up his rogueries, that can sit -in church of a Sunday and devise how to practise fresh villainies. Yea, -here they sit during mass and sermon to argue and talk as if the Church -were built for such purpose only: and there be matters talked of that -in private houses none would speak about. Some do sit and snore as if -they had hired the place to sleep in: and some do naught but gossip of -others and do whisper, 'How well did the pastor touch up this one or -that one in his sermon!' and others do give heed to the discourse but -for this reason only! not to be bettered by it, but that they may carp -at and blame their minister if he do but stumble once at a word (as -they understand the matter). And here will I say naught of the stories -I have read of amorous intercourse that hath its beginning and end in a -church; for I could not now remember all I could tell thee of that. Yet -canst thou see how men do not only defile churches with their vices -while they live but do fill them with their vanity and folly after they -be dead. Go thou now into a church, and there by the gravestones and -epitaphs thou wilt see how they that the worms have long ago devoured -do yet boast themselves: look thou up and there wilt thou see more -shields and helmets, and swords and banners, and boots and spurs than -in many an armoury: so that 'tis no wonder that in this war the -peasants have fought for their own in churches as if 'twere in -fortresses. And why, then, should it not be allowed to me--to me, I -say, as a soldier--to ply my trade in a church, whereas aforetime -two holy fathers did for the mere sake of precedence cause such a -blood-bath in a church[32] that 'twas more like to a slaughter-house -than a holy place? Yea, I would not so act if any did come here to do -God's service; for I am but of the lay people: yet they, that were -clergymen, respected not the high majesty of the emperor himself. And -why should it be forbidden to me to earn my living by the church when -so many do so earn it? And is it just that so many a rich man can for a -fee be buried in the church to bear witness of his own pride and his -friends' pride, while yet the poor man (that may have been as good a -Christian as he and perchance a better), that can pay naught, must be -buried in a corner without? 'Tis as a man looks upon it: had I but -known that thou wouldst scruple so to lay wait in a church I had -devised another answer for thee: but in the meanwhile have thou -patience till I can persuade thee to a better mind." - -Now would I fain have answered Oliver that they were but lewd fellows -that did dishonour the churches as did he, and that they would yet have -their reward. Yet as I trusted him not, and had already once quarrelled -with him, I let it pass. Thereafter he asked me to tell him how it had -fared with me since we parted before Wittstock, and moreover why I had -had the jester's clothes on when I came into the camp before Magdeburg. -Yet as my throat did mightily pain me, I did excuse myself and prayed -him he would tell me the story of his life, that perchance might have -strange happenings in it. To that did he agree, and began in this -manner to tell me of his wicked life. - - - - -_Chap. xvi._: OF OLIVER'S DESCENT, AND HOW HE BEHAVED IN HIS YOUTH, AND -SPECIALLY AT SCHOOL - - -"My father," said Oliver, was born not far from Aachen town of poor -parents, for which reason he must in his youth take service with a rich -trader that dealt in copper wares: and there did he carry himself so -well that his master had him taught to write, read, and reckon, and set -him over his whole household as did Potiphar Joseph. And that was well -for both parties, for the merchant's wealth grew more and more through -my father's zeal and prudence, and my father became prouder and prouder -through his prosperity, so that he grew ashamed of his parents and -despised them, of which they complained, yet to no purpose. So when he -was five-and-twenty years of age, then died the merchant, and left an -aged widow and one daughter, which last had played the fool and was not -barren: but her child soon followed his grandfather. Thereupon my -father, when he saw her at once fatherless and childless but not -moneyless, cared not at all that she could wear no maiden's garland -again, but began to pay her court, the which her mother well allowed, -not only because her daughter might so recover her reputation but also -because my father possessed all knowledge of the business and in -especial could well wield the Jews' Spear.[33] And so by this marriage -was my father in a moment a rich man and I his son and heir, whom for -his wealth's sake he caused to be tenderly brought up: so was I kept in -clothes like a young nobleman, in food like a baron, and in attendance -like a count, for all which I had more to thank copper and calamine -than silver and gold. - -"So before I reached my seventh year I had given good proof of what I -was to be, for the nettle that is to be stings early: no roguery was -too bad for me, and where I could play any man a trick I failed not to -do so, for neither father nor mother punished me for it. I tramped with -young rascals like myself through thick and thin in the streets and was -already bold enough to fight boys stronger than myself: and did I get -beat, my foolish parents would say, 'How now? Is a great fellow like -that to beat a mere child?' But if I won (for I would scratch and bite -and throw stones), then said they, 'Our little Oliver will turn out a -fine fellow.' And with that my indolence grew: for praying I was yet -too young: and if I did curse like a trooper, 'twas said I knew not -what I said. So I became worse and worse till I was sent to school: and -there I did carry out what other wicked lads do mostly think of, yet -dare not practise. And if I spoiled or tore my books, my mother would -buy me others lest my miserly father should be wroth. My schoolmaster -did I plague most, for he might not deal with me hardly, receiving many -presents from my parents, whose foolish love to me was well known to -him. In summer would I catch crickets and bring them secretly into the -schoolroom, where they did play a merry tune. In winter would I steal -snuff and scatter it in that place where 'tis the custom to whip the -boys. And so if any stiff-necked scholar should struggle my powder -would fly about and cause an agreeable pastime: for then must all -sneeze together. - -"So now I deemed myself too great a man for small roguery, but all my -striving was for higher things. Often would I steal from one and put -what I had stolen in another's pouch to earn him stripes, and with -these tricks was I so sly that I was scarce ever caught. And of the -wars we waged (wherein I was commonly colonel) and the blows I -received--for I had ever a scratched face and a head full of bruises--I -need not to speak: for every man doth know how boys do behave: and so -from what I have said canst thou easily guess how in other respects I -spent my youth." - - - - -_Chap. xviii._: HOW HE STUDIED AT LIEGE, AND HOW HE THERE DEMEANED -HIMSELF - - -"Now the more my father's riches increased, the more flatterers and -parasites he had round him, all which did praise my fine capacities for -study, but said no word of all my other faults or at least would excuse -them, seeing well that any that did not so could never stand well with -my father and mother. And so had they more pleasure in their son than -ever had a tomtit that has reared a young cuckoo. So they hired for me -a special tutor, and sent me with him to Liège, more to learn foreign -tongues than to study: for I was to be no theologian, but a trader. He, -moreover, had his orders not to be hard with me, lest that should breed -in me a fearful and servile spirit. He was to allow me freely to -consort with the students, lest I might become shamefaced, and must -remember that 'twas to make, not a monk, but a man of the world of me, -one that should know the difference between black and white. - -"But my said tutor needed no such instruction, being of himself given -to all manner of knaveries. And how could he forbid me such or rebuke -me for my little faults when he himself committed greater? To wine and -women was he by nature most inclined, but I to wrestling and fighting: -so did I prowl about the streets at night with him and his likes and -learned of him in brief space more lechery than Latin. But as to my -studies, therein I could rely on a good memory and a keen wit, and was -therefore the more careless, but for the rest I was sunk in all manner -of vice, roguery, and wantonness: and already was my conscience so wide -that one could have driven a waggon and horses through it. I heeded -nothing if I could but read Berni or Burchiello or Aretine during the -sermon in church: nor did I hear any part of the service with greater -joy than when 'twas said 'Ite missa est.' - -"All which time I thought no little of myself but carried me right -foppishly: every day was for me a feast-day, and because I behaved -myself as a man of estate, and spent not only the great sums that -my father sent me for my needs, but also my mother's plentiful -pocket-money, therefore the women began to pay us court, but specially -to my tutor. From these baggages I learned to wench and to game: how to -quarrel, to wrestle, and to fight I knew well before, and my tutor in -no wise forbade my debaucheries, since he himself was glad to take part -in them. So for a year and a half did this monstrous fine life endure, -till my father did hear of it from one that was his factor in Liège, -with whom indeed we had at first lodged: this man received orders to -keep a sharper eye upon us, to dismiss my tutor at once, to shorten my -tether, and to examine into my expense more carefully. Which vexed us -both mightily: and though he, my tutor, had now his congé, yet did we -hold together, one way or the other, both by day and night: yet since -we could no longer spend money as before, we did join ourselves to a -rogue that robbed folks of their cloaks at night; yea, or did drown -them in the Meuse: and what we in this fashion earned with desperate -peril of our lives, that we squandered with our whores, and let all -studies go their way. - -"So one night as we, after our custom, were prowling by night, to -plunder students of their cloaks, we were overcome, my tutor run -through the body, and I, with five others that were right rascals, -caught and laid by the heels: and next day we being examined and I -naming my father's factor, that was a man much respected, the same was -sent for, questioned concerning me, and I on his surety set free, yet -so that I must remain in his house in arrest till further order taken. -Meanwhile was my tutor buried, the other five punished as rogues, -robbers and murderers, and my father informed of my case: upon which he -came himself with all haste to Liège, settled my business with money, -preached me a sharp sermon, and shewed me what trouble and unhappiness -I had caused him, yea, and told me it seemed as my mother would go -desperate by reason of my ill conduct: and further threatened me, in -case I did not behave better, he would disinherit me and send me -packing to the devil. So I promised amendment and rode home with him: -and so ended my studies." - - - - -_Chap. xviii._: OF THE HOMECOMING AND DEPARTURE OF THIS WORSHIPFUL -STUDENT, AND HOW HE SOUGHT TO OBTAIN ADVANCEMENT IN THE WARS - - -"But when my father had me safely home, he found I was in very truth -spoiled. I had proved no worshipful dominie as he had hoped, but a -quarreller and a braggart, that imagined he knew everything. So hardly -was I warm at home when he said to me, 'Hearken, Oliver, I do see thine -asses' ears a-growing fast: thou beest a useless cumberer of the -ground, a rogue that will never be worth aught: to learn a trade art -thou too old: to serve a lord thou art too insolent, and to understand -and follow my profession thou art but useless. Alas, what have I -accomplished with all the cost that I have spent on thee? For I did -hope to have my joy in thee and to make of thee a man: and now must I -buy thee out of the hangman's hand. Oh fie, for shame! 'Twere best I -should set thee in a treadmill and let thee eat the bread of affliction -till some better luck arise for thee, when thou shalt have purged thee -of thine iniquities.' - -"Now when I must day by day hear such lectures, at the last was I out -of all patience, and told my father roundly I was not guilty of all, -but he and my tutor, that led me astray: and had he no joy of me, so -was he rightly served, that had given his parents no joy of him, but -had let them come to beggary and starvation. On that he reached for a -stick and would have paid me for my plain speaking, swearing loud and -long he would have me to the House of Correction at Amsterdam. So away -I went, and the same night betook me to his newly bought farm, watched -my opportunity, and rode off to Cologne on the best horse I could find -in his stables. - -"This horse did I sell, and forthwith lit upon even such a crew of -rogues and thieves as I had left at Liège. So at play they did know me -for what I was and I them, for both did know so much. Straightway I was -made one of their brotherhood, and was their helper in their nightly -excursions. Yet when presently one of our band was caught in the Old -Market as he would relieve a lady of quality of her heavy purse, and -specially when I had seen him stand an hour in the pillory with an iron -collar on, and, further, had seen one of his ears cut off and himself -well whipped, that trade pleased me no more, but I enlisted as a -soldier: for just then the colonel with whom we served before Magdeburg -was a-recruiting. Meanwhile had my father learned where I was, and so -did write to his factor he should inquire concerning me: which befell -even then when I had drawn my first pay: and that the factor told my -father, which gave orders that he should buy me out, cost it what it -might: but when I heard that, I had fear of the House of Correction, -and so would not be bought out. Through this was my colonel aware I was -a rich merchant's son, and so fixed his price so high that my father -left me as I was, intending to let me kick my heels awhile in the wars -and so perchance come to a better mind. - -"'Twas not long before it happened that my colonel's writer died, in -whose place he employed me, as thou knowest. And thereupon I began to -have high thoughts, in hope to rise from one rank to another, and so in -the end to become a general. From our secretary I did learn how to -carry myself, and my intent to grow to a great man caused me to behave -myself as a man of honour and repute, and no longer, as of old time, to -play rogues' tricks. Yet had I no luck till our secretary died, and -then methought, 'Thou must see to it that thou hast his place.' And all -I could I spent: for when my mother heard I had begun to do well she -ever sent me moneys. Yet because young Herzbruder was beloved by our -colonel and was preferred to me, I purposed to have him out of the way, -specially because I was sure the colonel would give him the secretary's -place. And at the delaying of the promotion which I so much desired I -was so impatient that I had me made bullet proof by our Provost, so to -fight with Herzbruder and settle matters by the sword: yet could I not -civilly come at him. Yea, and our Provost warned me from my purpose and -said, 'Even if thou makest him a sacrifice, yet will it do thee more -harm than good, for thou wilt but have murdered the colonel's -favourite.' - -"Yet did he advise me I should steal somewhat in Herzbruder's presence -and give it to him: for so could he bring it about that he should lose -the colonel's favour. To that I agreed, and stole the parcel-gilt cup -at the colonel's christening-feast and gave it to the Provost, by means -of which he rid me of young Herzbruder, as thou wilt surely remember, -even then when he, by his sorcery, filled thy pockets with puppies." - - - - -_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FULFILLED HERZBRUDER'S PROPHECY TO -OLIVER BEFORE YET EITHER KNEW THE OTHER - - -All was green and yellow before mine eyes when I must so hear from -Oliver's own mouth how he had gone about with my best friend, and yet I -could take no revenge: mine inclination thereto I must needs pocket up -lest he should mark it: and so begged he should tell me how it had -further fared with him before the battle at Wittstock. "Why, in that -encounter," said Oliver, "I carried myself like no quill-driver that is -set upon his inkstand, but like a good soldier, being well mounted and -bullet-proof, and moreover being counted in no squadron: for so could I -show my proper valour, as one that doth mean to rise higher by his -sword or to die. So did I fly around our brigade like a whirlwind, both -to exercise myself and to shew our men I was more fit for arms than for -the pen. Yet all availed nothing, for the Swedes' luck prevailed, and I -must share the ill-fortune of our folk and must accept that quarter -which a little before I would have given to no man. - -"So was I with the other prisoners put into a foot regiment, which same -was presently sent away to Pomerania on furlough: where, since there -were many raw recruits, and I had shown a very notable courage, I was -promoted corporal. Yet I was minded to make no long stay there, but as -soon as might be to return to the emperor's service, to which party I -was ever most affected, and that although doubtless my advancement had -been far quicker among the Swedes. And my escape I brought to pass -thus. I was sent out with seven musqueteers to a neighbouring post to -demand the contribution, which was in arrears: and so having got -together some eight hundred gulden or more, I shewed my fellows the -gold and caused their eyes to lust after it, so much so that we agreed -to divide the same and so make our escape. This being settled, I did -persuade three of them to help me to shoot the other four dead, and -such being accomplished we divided the money, namely, 200 gulden to -each: and with that we marched off to Westphalia. Yet on the way did I -persuade one of the three to help me to knock the other two on the -head; and then when we two were to divide the spoil I did make an end -with the last man, and so came by good luck safely with the money to -Wesel, where I took up my quarters and made merry with my money. - -"But when this was now nearly spent, and I still had my love of fine -living, then did I hear of a certain young soldier of Soest and what -fine booty he had gained, and what a name he had earned: and so was I -heartened up to follow in his footsteps. And as they called him, by -reason of his green clothing, the Huntsman, so did I have such green -raiment made for myself, and under his name did so plunder and steal in -his and our own quarters, and that with every circumstance of wanton -mischief, that it came near to this, that foraging parties should be -forbidden on both sides. He ('tis true) stayed at home, but when I -still went on a-mousing in his name all I could, then did that same -huntsman for that same reason challenge me. But the devil might fight -with him: for, as 'twas told me, he had ever the devil in his jacket: -and that devil had soon made an end of my wound-proof. Yet could I not -escape his craft, for with the help of a servant of his did he beguile -me with my comrade into a sheep-fold, and there would force me, in the -presence of two living devils that were his seconders by his side, to -fight with him by moonlight. Which when I refused, they did compel me -to the most contemptible actions in the world, and that my comrade soon -spread abroad: of which I was so shamed that I up and away to Lippstadt -and there took service with the Hessians: yet there I remained not -long, where none could trust me, but tramped away further to the Dutch. -And there did I find, 'tis true, more punctual payment, but too slow a -war for my humour: for there were we kept in like monks and must live -as chastely as nuns. - -"So since I could no more shew my face among either Imperials, Swedes -or Hessians, had I been willing wantonly to run the risk, as having -deserted from all three, and since I could now no longer stay with the -Hollanders, having violently deflowered a maiden, which act seemed -likely presently to bring about its results, I thought to take refuge -with the Spaniards, in the hope to escape home from them and to see how -my parents fared. Yet as I set about that plan I missed my points of -the compass so foully that I fell among the Bavarians, with whom I -marched among the Merodians, from Westphalia as far as the Breisgau, -and earned me a living by dicing and stealing. When I had aught I spent -my day on the gaming-ground and my night among the sutlers: had I -naught, I stole what I could, and often in a day two or three horses, -both from pasture and from stables, sold them, and gamed away what I -got, and then at night I would burrow under the soldiers' tents and -steal away their purses from under their very heads. Were we on the -march I would keep a watchful eye on the portmantles that the women did -carry behind them; these would I cut away. And so I kept myself alive -till the battle before Wittenweier, wherein I was made prisoner, once -more thrust into a foot-regiment, and so made one of Weimar's soldiers. -But the camp before Breisach liked me not, so I left it early and went -off to forage for myself, as thou seest I do. And be thou well assured, -brother, that already I have laid low many a proud fellow and have -earned a noble stock of money: nor am I minded to cease till I see I -can get no more. And now it doth come to thy turn to tell me of thy -life and fortunes." - - - - -_Chap. xx._: HOW IT DOTH FARE WITH A MAN ON WHOM EVIL FORTUNE DOTH RAIN -CATS AND DOGS - - -Now when Oliver had ended his discourse, I could not enough admire the -Providence of God. Now could I understand how the good God had not -alone protected me like a father from this monster in Westphalia, but -had, moreover, so brought it about that he should go in fear of me. Now -could I see what a trick I had played on him, to which the old -Herzbruder's prophecy did apply, yet which he himself expounded, as may -be seen in the fourteenth chapter, in another way, and that to my great -profit. For had this beast but known I was the Huntsman of Soest he had -surely made me drink of the same cup I served to him before at the -sheep-fold. I considered, moreover, how wisely and darkly Herzbruder -had delivered his predictions, and thought in myself that, though his -prophecies were wont commonly to turn out true, yet 'twould go hard and -must happen strangely if I was to revenge the death of one that had -deserved the wheel and the gallows: I found it also good for my health -that I had not first told him of my life, for so had I told him the way -how I before had disgraced him. And as I thought thereupon, I did mark -in Oliver's face certain scratches that he had not at Magdeburg, and so -did conceive that these scars were the tokens of Jump-i'-th'-field, -when at that former time he, in the likeness of a devil, did thus -scrabble his face, and so asked him whence he had those signs, adding -thereto that, though he had told me his whole life, yet I must gather -that he had left out the best part, since he had not yet told me who -had so marked him. - -"Ah, brother," answered he, "were I to tell all my tricks and rogueries -the time would be too long both for you and me: yet to shew thee that I -conceal from thee none of my adventures I will tell thee the truth of -this, though methinks 'tis but a sorry story for me. - -"I am fully assured that from my mother's womb I was predestined to a -scratched face, for in my very childhood I was so treated by my -schoolfellows when I wrangled with them: and so likewise one of those -devils that waited on the Huntsman of Soest handled me so roughly that -six weeks long one could see the marks of his claws in my face: but the -scars thou seest in my face had another beginning, to wit this. When I -lay in winter quarters with the Swedes in Pomerania, and had a fair -mistress by me, mine host must leave his bed, for us to lie there: but -his cat that had been used to sleep therein would come every night and -plague us, as one that could not so easily spare her wonted bed-place -as her master and mistress had done: this did vex my wench (that could -at no time abide a cat) so sore that she did swear loudly she would -shew me no more favour till I had made an end of this cat. So being -desirous to have her society yet, I devised how not only to please her -but so to avenge myself of the cat as to have sport therein. With that -I packed the beast in a bag, took my host's two great watch-dogs (which -at any time had no love for cats, but were familiar with me), and the -cat in the sack, to a broad and pleasant meadow, and there thought to -have my jest, for I deemed, since there was no tree hard by for the cat -to escape to, that the dogs would chase her up and down for a while on -the plain like a hare, and so would afford me fine pastime. But zounds; -it turned out for me not only dogs' luck, as people say, but cats' luck -(which sort of luck few can have known or 'twould assuredly long ago -have been made a proverb of), since the cat, when I did open the bag, -seeing only an open field and on it her two fierce enemies, and nothing -high whereto she could escape, would not so easily take the field and -so be torn to pieces, but betook herself to mine own head as finding no -higher place, and as I sought to keep her away my hat fell off: so the -more I tried to pull her down, the deeper she stuck in her claws so as -to hold fast. Such a combat the dogs could not endure to see, but -joined the sport themselves, and jumped up with open jaws in front, -behind, and on either side of me to come at the cat, which yet would -not leave my head, but maintained her place by fastening of her claws -both in my face and my head, as best she could. And if she missed to -give the dogs a pat with her glove of thorns, be sure she missed not -me: yet because she did sometimes strike the dogs on the nose, -therefore they busied themselves to bring her down with their claws, -and in so doing dealt me many a shrewd scratch in the face: yea, and if -I with both hands strove to tear the cat from her place, then would she -bite and scratch me to the best of her ability. And thus was I, both by -the dogs and the cat at once so attacked, so mauled, and so terribly -handled that I scarce looked like a man at all, and, what was worst of -all, I must run the risk that if they so snapped at the cat they might -by chance catch me by the ear or nose and bite it off. My collar and -jerkin were so bloody that they were like to a smith's travise on St. -Stephen's Day, when the horses are let blood; nor could I devise any -means to save myself from this torment, but at last must cast myself on -the ground that the dogs might so seize the cat, unless I was willing -to allow my poll to continue to be their battle-ground: 'tis true the -dogs did then kill the cat, but I had by no means so noble sport from -this as I had hoped, but only mockery and such a face as now thou seest -before thee. At which I was so enraged that I shot both dogs dead, and -did so bastinado my mistress that had given me cause for this fool's -trick that she ran away from me, doubtless because she could no longer -love so horrible a mask." - - - - -_Chap. xxi._: A BRIEF EXAMPLE OF THAT TRADE WHICH OLIVER FOLLOWED, -WHEREIN HE WAS A MASTER AND SIMPLICISSIMUS SHOULD BE A PRENTICE - - -Fain would I have laughed at this story of Oliver's, yet must show -compassion only: and even as I began to tell him my history we saw a -coach come up the road with two outriders. On that we came down from -the church-tower and posted ourselves in a house that stood by the -wayside and was very convenient for the waylaying of passengers. I must -keep my loaded piece in reserve, but Oliver with one shot brought down -at once one rider and his horse before they were ware of us: upon which -the other forthwith fled: and while I, with my piece cocked, made the -coachman halt and descend, Oliver leapt upon him and with his broad -sword did cleave his head to the teeth, yea, and would thereafter have -butchered the lady and the children that sat in the carriage and -already looked more like dead folk than live ones: but I roundly said, -that I would not have, but told him if he would do such a deed he must -first slay me. - -"Ah," says he, "thou foolish Simplicissimus, I had never believed thou -wert so wicked a fellow as thou dost seem." "But brother," said I, -"what hast thou against these innocents? an they were men that could -defend themselves 'twere another story." "How," he answered: "cook your -eggs and there will be no chickens hatched. I know these young -cockatrices well: their father the major is a proper skinflint, and the -worst jacket-duster in the world." - -And with such words he would have gone on to slay them: yet I -restrained him so long that in the end I softened him: and 'twas a -major's wife, her maids, and three fair children, for whom it grieved -me much: these we shut up in a cellar that they might not too soon -betray us, in which they had nothing to eat but fruit and turnips till -they might chance to be released by some one: thereafter we plundered -the coach, and rode off with seven fine horses into the wood where it -was thickest. - -So when we had tied them up and I had looked round me a little I was -ware of a fellow that stood stock-still by a tree not far off: him I -pointed out to Oliver and said 'twere well to be on our guard. "Why, -thou fool," said he, "'tis a Jew that I did tie up there: but the rogue -is long ago frozen and dead." So he goes up to him and chucks him under -the chin, and says he, "Aha; thou dog, thou didst bring me many a fair -ducat": and as he so shook his chin there rolled out of his mouth a few -doubloons that the poor rogue had rescued even in the hour of death. At -that Oliver put his hand in his mouth and brought out twelve doubloons -and a ruby of great price, and says he, "This booty have I to thank -thee for, Simplicissimus"; and with that gave me the ruby, took the -gold himself, and went off to fetch the peasant, bidding me in the -meanwhile to stay by the horses and beware lest the dead Jew should -bite me, whereby he meant I had no such courage as himself. - -But he being gone to fetch his peasant, I had heavy thoughts, and did -consider in what a dangerous state I now lived. And first I thought I -would mount one of the horses and escape: yet did I fear lest Oliver -should catch me in the act and shoot me; for I had my suspicion that he -did but try my good faith for this once, and so stood near by to watch -me. Again I thought to run away on foot, but then must fear, even if I -should give Oliver the slip, that I should not escape from the peasants -of the Black Forest, which were then famous for the knocking of -soldiers on the head. "And suppose," said I, "thou takest all the -horses with thee, so that Oliver shall have no means to pursue thee, -yet if thou be caught by the troops of Weimar, thou wilt as a convicted -murderer be broken on the wheel." In a word, I could devise no safe -means for my flight, and chiefly because I was there in a desolate -forest where I knew neither highway nor by-way: and besides all that my -conscience was now awake and did torment me, because I had stopped the -coach and had been the cause that the driver had so miserably lost his -life, and both the ladies with the innocent children had been laid fast -in the cellar, wherein perchance, like this Jew, they must perish and -die. Then again I would comfort me on the score of mine innocence, as -being compelled against my will: yet there contrariwise my conscience -answered me, I had long before deserved for my rogueries to fall into -the hands of justice in the company of this arch-murderer, and so -receive my due reward, and perhaps, methought, just Heaven had so -provided that I should even so be brought to book. At the last I began -to hope for better things and besought God's goodness to help me forth -from this plight, and being in so pious a mood I said to myself, "Thou -fool, thou art neither imprisoned nor fettered: the whole wide world -stands open before thee: hast thou not horses enough to take to flight? -or, if thou wilt not ride, yet are thy feet swift enough to save thee." - -But as I thus plagued and tormented myself and yet could come to no -plan, came Oliver back with our peasant, which guided us with the -horses to another farm, where we did bait and, taking turn by turn, did -each get two hours' sleep. After midnight we rode on, and about noon -came to the uttermost boundary of the Switzers, where Oliver was well -known, and had us nobly entertained: and while we made merry the host -sends for a couple of Jews, that bought the horses from us at half -their price. And all was so plainly and clearly settled that there was -little need of parley. For the Jews' chief question was, were the -horses from the emperor's side or the Swedes': and thereupon hearing -they were from Weimar's army, "Then," said they, "must we ride them not -to Basel but into Swabia to the Bavarians." At which close acquaintance -and familiarity I must needs wonder. - -So we feasted like princes, and heartily did I enjoy the good -forest-trout and the savoury crayfish. And when 'twas evening we took -to the road again, loading our peasant with baked meats and other -victual like a pack-horse: with all which we came the next day to a -lonesome farm, where we were friendly welcomed and entertained, and by -reason of ill weather stayed two days: thereafter through woods and -by-ways we came to that very hut whither Oliver did take me when first -he had me to his companion. - - - - -_Chap. xxii._: HOW OLIVER BIT THE DUST AND TOOK SIX GOOD MEN WITH HIM - - -So as we sat down to refresh our bodies and to rest, Oliver sent the -peasant out to buy food and also powder and shot. He being gone, he -takes off his coat and says he, "Brother, I can no longer carry this -devils' money about with me alone": and with that unbound a pair of -bags like sausages that he wore on his naked body, threw them on the -table, and went on, "Of these thou must take care till I come to my -holidays and we both have enough, for the accursed stuff hath worked -sores upon my body, so that I can no longer carry it." I answered, -"Brother, hadst thou as little as I, 'twould not gall thee." But he cut -me short. "How," says he, "what is mine is also thine; and what we do -further win shall be fairly-shared." So I took up the two sausages and -found they were indeed mighty heavy, being gold pieces only. Then I -told him 'twas all ill-packed, and an he would, I would so sew the -money in that it should not vex him half so much in the carrying. And -when he agreed to this he had me with him to a hollow tree wherein he -had scissors, needles, and thread: and there I made for him and me a -pair of knapsacks out of a pair of breeches, and many a fine red penny -I sewed therein. So having put the same on under our shirts, 'twas as -if we had golden armour behind and before, by means of which we were -become, if not proof against bullets, yet against swords. Then did I -wonder why he kept no silver coin: to which he answered he had more -than a thousand thalers lying in a tree from which he allowed the -peasant to buy victuals, and never asked for a reckoning, as not -greatly valuing such trash. - -This done and the money packed, away we went to our hut, and there -cooked our food and warmed ourselves by the stove all night. And -thither at one o'clock of the day, when we did least expect it, came -six musqueteers with a corporal to our hut with their pieces ready and -their matches burning, who burst in the door and cried to us to -surrender. But Oliver (that, like me, had ever his loaded piece lying -by him and his sharp sword also, and then sat behind the table, -and I by the stove behind the door) answered them with a couple of -musquet-balls, wherewith he brought two to the ground, while I with a -like shot slew one and wounded the fourth. Then Oliver whipped out his -terrible sword (that could cut hairs asunder and might well be compared -to Caliburn, the sword of King Arthur of England) and therewith he -clove the fifth man from the shoulder to the belly, so that his bowels -gushed out and he himself fell down beside them in gruesome fashion. -And meanwhile I knocked the sixth man on the head with the butt-end of -my piece, so that he fell lifeless: but Oliver got even such a blow -from the seventh, and that with such force that his brains flew out, -and I in turn dealt him that did that such a crack that he must needs -join his comrades on the dead muster-roll. So when the one that I had -shot at and wounded was ware of such cuffs and saw that I made for him -with the butt of my piece also, he threw away his gun and began to run -as if the devil was at his heels. Yet all this fight lasted no longer -than one could say a paternoster, in which brief space seven brave -soldiers did bite the dust. - -Now when I thus found myself master of the field, I examined Oliver to -see if he had a breath left in him, but finding him quite dead, -methought 'twas folly to leave so much money on a corpse that could not -need it, and so I stripped him of his golden fleece that I had made but -yesterday and hung it round my neck with the other. And having broken -mine own gun, I took Oliver's musquet and sharp battle-sword to myself, -wherewith I provided me against all chances, and so away I went and -that by the road by which I knew our peasant must return: and sitting -down by the wayside I waited for him and further considered what I -should now do. - - - - -_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A RICH MAN AND HERZBRUDER -FELL INTO GREAT MISERY - - -Now I sat but half an hour in thought when there comes to me our -peasant puffing like a bear, and, running with all his might, was not -ware of me till I had him fast: and "Why so fast?" says I, "what news?" -"Quick," he answered, "away with ye! for here cometh a corporal with -six musqueteers that are to seize you and Oliver and bring you to -Liechteneck dead or alive: they took me and would have it I should lead -them to you: yet am I luckily escaped and come hither to warn ye." - -"O villain," thought I, "thou hast betrayed us to get Oliver's money -that lieth in the tree." Yet of this I let him mark nothing (for I -would have him to shew me the way), but told him both Oliver and they -that should take him were dead: which when he would not believe, I was -good enough to go with him that he might see the miserable sight of the -seven bodies, and says I, "The seventh of them that should take us I -let go: and would to God I could bring these to life again, for I would -not fail to do it." - -At that the peasant was amazed with fear and asked, "What plan have ye -now?" "Why," quoth I, "the plan is already resolved on: for I give thee -the choice of three things: either lead me by safe by-ways through the -wood to Villingen, or shew me Oliver's money that lieth in the tree, or -die here and keep these dead men company: an thou bringest me to -Villingen thou hast Oliver's money for thyself alone: if thou wilt shew -it me I will share it with thee: but if thou wilt do neither, I shoot -thee dead and go my way." - -Then would he fain have made off, but feared the musquet, and so fell -on his knees and offered to guide me through the wood. So we started in -haste and walked the whole of that day and the next night, which was by -great good luck a very bright one, without food or drink or rest of any -kind, till towards daybreak we saw the town of Villingen lie before us, -and there I let my peasant go. And what supported us in this long -journey was: for the peasant the fear of death and for me the desire to -escape, myself and my money; yea, I do wellnigh believe that gold -lendeth a man strength: for though I carried a heavy enough load of it -yet I felt no especial weariness. - -I held it for a lucky omen that even as I came to the gates of -Villingen they were being opened, where the officer of the watch -examined me; and hearing that I gave myself out to be a volunteer -trooper of that regiment to which Herzbruder had appointed me when he -released me from my musquet at Philippsburg, and also said that I had -escaped from Weimar's camp before Breisach, by whose men I had been -captured at Wittenweier and made to serve among them, and that I now -desired to come to my regiment among the Bavarians, he gave me in -charge to a musqueteer, who led me to the commandant. The same was yet -asleep, for he had spent half the night awake about his affairs, so -that I must wait a full hour and a half before his quarters, and -because the folk just then came from early mass I had a crowd of -citizens and soldiers around me that would all know how matters stood -before Breisach: at which clamour the commandant awoke and without -further delay had me brought to him. - -Then began he to examine me, and I said even as I did at the gate. -Whereupon he asked me of certain particularities of the siege and so -forth, and at that I confessed all; namely, how I had spent some few -days with a fellow that had also escaped, and with him had attacked and -plundered a coach, with intent to get so much booty from Weimar's -people that we could get us horses, and so properly equipped could come -to our regiments again; but yesterday we had been attacked unawares by -a corporal and six other fellows that would have taken us, whereby my -comrade had been left dead on the field with six of the enemy, while -the seventh as well as I had escaped: but he to his own party. But of -the rest, namely, how I would have come to my wife at Lippstadt, and -how I had two such well-stuffed breast and back-plates, of that I said -no word, and made no scruple to conceal it, for what did it concern -him? Nor did he ask me of it at all, but much more was amazed and would -hardly believe that Oliver and I had killed six men and put the seventh -to flight, even though my comrade had paid with his life. So as we -talked there was occasion to speak of Oliver's wonderful sword that I -had by my side: which pleased him so well that if I would part civilly -from him and get a pass I must hand it over to him in return for -another that he gave me. And in truth it was a fine and beautiful -blade, with a perpetual calendar engraved thereupon, nor shall any -persuade me 'twas not forged by Vulcan _in hora Martis_, and altogether -so prepared as is told of that sword in the Heldenbuch, by which all -other swords are cleft asunder and the most courageous and lion-hearted -foes are put to flight like fearful hares. So when he had dismissed me -and commanded to give me a pass I went the nearest way to an inn, and -knew not whether I should first eat or sleep: for I needed both. Yet -would I sooner appease my belly, and so commanded meat and drink, and -considered how I should lay my plans to come in safety to my wife at -Lippstadt with my money; for I was as little minded to go to my -regiment as to break my neck. - -But while I so speculated and mused of one and another cunning device, -there limped into the room a fellow with a stick in his hand, his head -bound up, one arm in a sling, and clothes so poor that I would have -given him not a penny for them: and so soon as the drawer was ware of -him he would have cast him forth, for he smelt vilely and was so full -of lice that a man could have garrisoned the whole Swabian[34] heath -with them. Yet he prayed he might but be allowed to warm himself, which -yet was not granted. But I taking pity on him and interceding for him, -with difficulty he was let to come to the stove: and there he looked -upon me, as I thought, with a curious longing and a great attention to -my drinking, and uttered many sighs. So when the drawer went to fetch -me a dish of meat, he came to me at my table and held out an earthen -penny-pot, so that I might well understand what he would have: so I -took the can and filled up his little pot for him before he asked. But -"O friend," says he, "for Herzbruder's sake give me somewhat to eat -also." Which when he said it cut me to the heart; for well I saw it was -Herzbruder himself. Then had I nearly swooned to see him in so evil a -plight, yet I recovered myself and fell upon his neck and set him by -me, where the tears did gush from our eyes: his for joy and mine for -pity. - - - - -_Chap. xxiv._: OF THE MANNER IN WHICH HERZBRUDER FELL INTO SUCH EVIL -PLIGHT - - -Now by reason of the suddenness of this our meeting we could neither -eat nor drink, but only ask one of the other how it had fared with each -since we had last met. Yet as the host and the drawer went ever in and -out, we could have no private discourse: and the host marvelling that I -could suffer so lousy a companion by me, I told him that in time of war -such was the custom among good soldiers that were comrades: and when I -understood further how Herzbruder had till now been in the Spital, and -there had been supported by alms, and his wounds but sorrily bound up, -I hired of the host a separate chamber, put Herzbruder to bed, and sent -for the best surgeon I could find, besides a tailor and a sempstress to -clothe him and to rid him of his lice: and having in my purse those -same doubloons that Oliver had fetched out of the dead Jew's mouth, I -cast them on the table, and says I to Herzbruder, in the host's -hearing, "See, brother; there is my money: that will I spend on thee -and consume with thee." - -So with that the host entertained us nobly: but to the surgeon I showed -the ruby that had belonged to the said Jew, and was worth some 20 -thalers, and told him that as I purposed to spend such small moneys as -I had for our food and for the clothing of my comrade, therefore I -would give him that ring if he would quickly and thoroughly cure my -said comrade, with which he was content, and bestowed his best care -upon that cure. And so I tended Herzbruder like my second self, and -caused a modest suit of grey cloth to be made for him. But first I went -to the commandant for my pass, and told him how I had met a comrade -sorely wounded: for him I would wait till he was sound, for were I to -leave him behind me I could not answer for it to my regiment: which -intention the commandant approved and allowed me to stay as long as I -listed, with the further offer that when my comrade could follow me he -would provide us both with sufficient passes. - -Then, coming back to Herzbruder and sitting by his bed alone, I begged -him he would freely tell me how he had come into so evil a plight: for -I thought he might perchance have been driven from his former place for -weighty reasons or for some fault, and so degraded and brought to his -present evil case. But "Brother," said he, "thou knowest that I was the -Count of Götz his factotum and dearest intimate friend: on t'other hand -thou knowest well how evil an end this last campaign hath come to under -his generalship and command, wherein we not only lost the Battle of -Wittenweier, but did also fail to raise the siege of Breisach. Seeing, -then, that on this account all manner of rumours be afloat, and that -most unfair ones, and in especial now that the said count is cited to -Vienna to justify himself, therefore for fear and shame I do willingly -live in this humble plight, and often do wish either to die in this -misery or at least so long to lie concealed till the said Count shall -have proved his innocence: for so far as I know he was at all times -true to the Roman emperor: and that in this set year he hath had no -good luck is, in my opinion, more to be ascribed to the Providence of -God (who giveth victory to whom He will) than to the Count his -neglectfulness. - -"Now when we were to relieve Breisach and I saw that on our side all was -done so sleepily, I armed mine own self and marched forth with the rest -upon the bridge of boats as if I in person were to finish the business; -which was neither my profession nor my duty: yet I did it for an -example to others, because we had accomplished so little that summer -then past. But luck or ill-luck would so have it that I, being among -the first to sally forth, was also among the first to look the enemy in -the face upon the bridge, where was a sharp encounter, and as I had -been foremost in attack, so when we gave way before the furious charge -of the French I was the last to retreat, and so fell into the enemy's -hands: and there did I receive a bullet in the right arm and another in -the leg, so that I could neither run nor hold a sword: and as the -straitness of the place and the desperateness of the action allowed no -talk of giving or taking of quarter, I got me a crack on the head which -brought me to the ground, and there, being finely clad, I was by some -stripped and in the confusion thrown into the Rhine for dead: in which -sore strait I called to God for help and left myself to His good -pleasure; and while I offered up my prayers I found His help at hand: -for the Rhine did cast me up on land where I did staunch my wounds with -moss: and though in so doing I was nigh frozen, yet I found in me a -special strength to creep from thence (for God helped me) so that I, -though miserably wounded, came to certain Merode-brothers[35] and -soldiers' wives, that one and all had compassion on me though they knew -me not: yet all already despaired of the relief of that fortress; and -that did hurt me more than all my wounds: but they refreshed and -clothed me by their fire, and before I could even bandage up my wounds -I must behold how our people prepared for a shameful retreat and gave -up our cause as lost: which caused me dreadful pain: and for that -reason I resolved to make myself known to none, and so not to make -myself a mark for mockery: wherefore I joined myself to certain wounded -men of our army that had their own surgeon with them: to him I gave a -golden cross that I still had about my neck, for which he bound up my -wounds so as to last till now. And in such poor plight, my good -Simplicissimus, have I made shift so far, and am minded to reveal to no -man who I am till I see how the Count of Götz his affair will turn out. -And now that I see thy goodness and faith, it breedeth in me great -comfort that the good God hath not forsaken me: for this very morning, -when I came from early mass and saw thee stand before the commandant's -quarters, I did fancy that God had sent thee to me in shape of an angel -to help me in my need." - -So I did comfort him as best I could, and secretly told him I had yet -more money than those doubloons that he had seen; and that all was at -his service. Therewith I also told him of Oliver's end, and how I had -perforce avenged his death, which so enlivened his spirits that it also -helped his body, in such wise that every day he grew better of his -wounds. - - - - - -BOOK V - - - - -_Chap. i._; HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TURNED PALMER AND WENT ON A PILGRIMAGE -WITH HERZBRUDER - - -Now Herzbruder being wholly restored and healed of his wounds, he told -me in secret he had in his greatest need made a vow to go on a -pilgrimage to Einsiedeln. And since in any case he was now so near to -Switzerland, he would perform the same though he must beg his way -thither. This was pleasant hearing for me: so I offered him my money -and my company, yea, and would buy a couple of nags to do the journey -upon, not indeed for the reason that religion urged me thereto, but -rather to see the Confederates' country as the one land wherein sacred -peace yet flourished. So I rejoiced much to have the opportunity to -serve Herzbruder on such a journey, seeing that I loved him almost more -than myself. Yet he refused both my help and my company with the excuse -that his pilgrimage must be performed on foot and with peas in his -shoes: and should I be in his company not only should I hinder him in -his pious thoughts, but should also bring on myself great discomfort by -reason of his slow going. All which he said to be rid of me, because he -did scruple on so holy a journey to spend money that had been gained by -robbery and murder: besides, he would not put me to too great expense, -and said openly that I had already done more for him than I owed him or -he could hope to repay: upon which we fell into a friendly dispute, -which same was so pleasant a quarrel that I have never heard the like, -for we talked of nothing but this, that each one said he had not yet -done for his fellow so much as one friend should for another, nay, was -yet far from making up for the benefits he had received. Yet all this -would not move him to take me for a companion, till I perceived that he -had a disgust both at Oliver's money and mine own godless life: -therefore I made shift with a lie and persuaded him that my intent to -reform my life did move me to go to Einsiedeln: and should he hinder me -from so good a work, and I thereupon should die, he should hardly -answer for it: by which I persuaded him to suffer me to visit that holy -place with him, especially since I (though 'twas all lies) made an -appearance of great penitence for my wicked life, and moreover did -persuade him I had laid on myself a penance to go to Einsiedeln on peas -even as he. But this quarrel was scarce over ere we fell into another, -for Herzbruder was too full of scruples: and hardly would he suffer me -to use the commandant's pass, because 'twas made out for me to go to my -regiment. - -"How now!" said he, "is it not our intent to better our lives and to go -to Einsiedeln? And now see, in heaven's name wilt thou make a beginning -with deceit and blind men's eyes with falsehood? 'He that denieth Me -before the world him will I deny before My heavenly Father,' saith -Christ. What faint-hearted cowards be we! If all Christ's martyrs and -confessors had done the same there would be few saints in heaven. Let -us go in God's name and under His protection whither our holy intent -and desires lead us, and let God contrive for us the rest: for so will -He bring us in safety where our souls shall find peace." But when I set -before him how man should not tempt God, but suit himself to the times, -and use such means as could not be done without, and specially because -to go on pilgrimage was an unwonted thing for the Soldatesca, so that -if we revealed our purpose we should be accounted rather deserters than -pilgrims, which might bring us great trouble and danger: and chiefly -how the holy apostle St. Paul, to whom we could not compare ourselves, -had wonderfully suited himself to the times and needs of this world, at -the last he consented that I should get a pass to go to my regiment. -With this we passed out of the town at the shutting of the gates, with -a trusty guide, as we would go to Rotweil; but turned off short by a -by-way and came the same night over the Switzers' boundary and next -morning to a village, where we equipped ourselves with long black -cloaks, pilgrims' staves, and rosaries, and sent our guide home with a -good wage. - -And here in comparison with other German lands the country seemed to me -as strange as if I had been in Brazil or China. I saw how the people -did trade and traffic in peace, how the stalls were full of cattle and -the farmyards crowded with fowls, geese, and ducks, the roads were used -in safety by travellers, and the inns were full of people making merry. -There was no fear of an enemy, no dread of plundering, and no terror of -losing goods and life and limb; each man lived under his own vine and -fig-tree, and that moreover (in comparison with other German lands) in -joy and delight, so that I held this land for an earthly Paradise, -though by nature it seemed rough as might be. So it came about that all -along the road I did but gape at this and that, whereas Herzbruder was -praying on his rosary, for which I earned many a reproof from him; for -he would have it I should pray without ceasing, to which I could not -accustom myself. - -But at Zurich he found me out and told me the truth as tartly as might -be. For having rested the night at Schaffhausen, where the peas did -mightily gall my feet, and I fearing to walk upon them next day, I had -them boiled and put into my shoes again, and so came happily to Zurich, -while he found himself in sorry plight, and said to me, "Brother, thou -hast great favour of God, that notwithstanding the peas in thy shoes -thou canst walk so well." "Yea," said I, "dear Herzbruder: but I did -boil them, or I had not been able so far to walk upon them." - -"God-a-mercy!" says he, "what hast done? Thou hadst better have put -them out of thy shoes if thou didst but act a mockery with them. I fear -me lest God punish thee and me alike. Take it not evil of me, brother, -if I of brotherly love do tell thee in plain German what I have at -heart, namely this, that I fear, unless thou dealest otherwise with -God, thine eternal salvation standeth in jeopardy: I do assure thee, I -love no man more than thee, yet I deny not that if thou betterest not -thyself I must scruple to bear such love to thee further." At which I -was struck so dumb with fear that I could not at all recover myself, -but freely confessed to him I had put the peas in my shoes not for -piety but to please him, that he might take me with him on his journey. -"Ah, brother," quoth he, "I see thou art far from the way of salvation, -peas or no peas: God give thee a better mind; for without such cannot -our friendship endure." - -From that time forward I followed him sorrowfully as one going to the -gallows; for my conscience began to smite me; and as I reflected on all -manner of things, all the tricks I had played in my life did pass -before mine eyes: and first I lamented that my lost innocence, that I -had brought out from the forest and in the world had in so many ways -forfeited; and what increased my trouble was this, that Herzbruder -spake now but little with me, and looked not upon me save with sighs, -so that it seemed to me as he were certain of my damnation and lamented -it. - - - - -_Chap. ii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS, BEING TERRIFIED OF THE DEVIL, WAS -CONVERTED - - -In such fashion we came even to Einsiedeln, and so into the church even -as the priest was casting out an evil spirit: which was to me a new and -strange sight, wherefore I left Herzbruder to kneel and pray as much as -he listed and went off from curiosity to see such a spectacle. But -hardly had I drawn nigh when the evil spirit cried out of the poor man, -"Oho! rascal, doth ill-luck send thee hither? I did think to find thee -with Oliver in our hellish abode when I should return, and now I see -thou art to be found here. Thou adulterous, murderous whoremonger, -canst thou think to escape us? O ye priests, have naught to do with -him: he is a worse hypocrite and liar than I: he doth but mock and make -a jest of God and religion." Thereupon the exorcist commanded the -spirit to be silent, for none would believe him as being an arch-liar. - -"Yes, yes," he answered, "ask this runagate monk's companion and he can -well tell you that this atheist is not afraid to boil the peas upon -which he vowed to travel hither." Upon which I knew not whether I stood -on my head or my heels, hearing all this and all men staring upon me: -but the priest rebuked the spirit and bade him be silent: yet would not -that day cast him out. In the meanwhile came Herzbruder, even as I -looked for very terror more like a dead than a live man, and between -hope and fear knew not what to be at. So he comforted me as best he -could, assuring the bystanders, and especially the good fathers, that -in my life I had never been a monk, but certainly a soldier that -perhaps might have done more evil than good: and added, the devil was a -liar and had made the story of the peas much worse than it really was. -Yet was I so confounded in spirit that 'twas with me even as if I -already felt the pains of hell, so that the priests had much ado to -comfort me: yea, they bade me go to confession and communion, but the -spirit cried again out of the man possessed, "Yes, yes: he will make a -fine confession, that knoweth not even what confession is: and indeed -what would ye have of him? for he is of a heretic mind and belongeth to -us: yea, his parents were more of Anabaptists than Calvinists...." But -at that the exorcist again commanded the spirit to hold his peace and -said to him, "So will it grieve thee the more if this poor lost sheep -be snatched out of thy jaws and gathered into the fold of Christ": at -which the spirit began to roar so fearfully that 'twas terrible to -hear: yet in that grisly song I found my greatest comfort; for I -thought if I could not again enjoy God's favour the devil would not -take it so ill. - -Now although I was then in no wise prepared for confession, and though -in my lifetime it had never come into my thoughts, but I had always for -mere shame feared it as the devil fears holy water, yet at that moment -I felt in me such repentance for my sins and such a desire to do -penance and to lead a better life that forthwith I asked for a -confessor; at which sudden conversion and amendment of life Herzbruder -rejoiced greatly; for he had perceived and well knew that so far I had -belonged to no religion. Thereafter I openly professed myself of the -Catholic Church, went to confession and to mass after absolution -received, with all which I felt so light and easy at my heart that 'tis -not to be expressed: and what is most marvellous is this, that the -devil in the possessed man henceforward left me in peace, whereas -before my confession and absolution he cast up against me certain -knaveries I had committed, with such particularities as he had been -ordained for naught else but to point out my sins: yet the hearers -believed him not, as being a liar, especially since my honourable -pilgrim's dress shewed me in another light. - -In this gracious place we abode fourteen days, and there I thanked God -for my conversion, and marked the miracles that were there done: all -which did incite me to some shew of piety and godliness. Yet did the -same last but as long as it might: for even as my conversion took its -beginning, not from love of God but from dread and fear of damnation, -so did I by degrees become lukewarm and slothful, because I little by -little forgot the terror that the Evil One had struck into me. So when -we had sufficiently viewed the relics of the saints, the vestments, and -other remarkable things of the abbey, we betook ourselves to Baden, -there to spend the winter. - - - - -_Chap. iii._: HOW THE TWO FRIENDS SPENT THE WINTER - - -There did I hire a cheerful parlour and a chamber for us, such as the -visitors to the baths do commonly use to have, especially in summer: -which be mostly rich Switzers that do resort here more to pass the time -and make a show than to take baths for any disease. So also I bargained -for our food, and Herzbruder, seeing how princely I began, counselled -me frugality, and reminded me of the long hard winter that we had yet -to pass, for he dreamt not that my money would hold out so long; and I -should need all I had, he said, for the spring when we should depart: -for much money was soon spent if one ever took from it and never added -to it: 'twas blown away like smoke and was certain never to return, -etc. At such loyal counsel I could no longer conceal from Herzbruder -how rich my treasury was, and how I was minded to spend it for the good -of both of us, since its extraction and growth were so unholy that I -could not think to buy lands with it; and even if I were not minded to -spend it so as to maintain so my best friend on earth, yet it were but -right that he, Herzbruder, should enjoy Oliver's money in revenge for -the insult he had before received from him before Magdeburg. And when I -knew myself to be in all safety, I drew off my two shoulder-bags, -divided the ducats and pistoles, and said to Herzbruder he might -dispose of this money at will, and spend and disburse it as he would, -so that it might best profit us both. - -When he saw, besides the greatness of my faith in him, how much the -money was, with which I, without him, could have been a pretty rich -man, "Brother," says he, "since I have known thee thou hast done naught -but shew thy constant love and truth to meward. But tell me, how -thinkest thou that I can ever repay thee? I speak not of the money, for -this perchance might in time be repaid, but of thy love and faith, and -especially of the exceeding trust thou hast in me, which is not to be -estimated. In a word, brother, thy noble soul doth make me thy slave, -and the favour thou shewest me is more easy to admire than to repay. O -honest Simplicissimus, into whose mind it never entereth (even in these -godless days in which the world is full of knavery) to think how poor, -needy Herzbruder might with this fair stock of money make off and in -his place leave thee in want! Of a surety, brother, this proof of true -friendship bindeth me more to thee than if a rich lord should give me -thousands. Only I beg thee, my brother, remain master guardian and -steward of thine own money. For me 'tis enough that thou art my -friend." - -To this I answered, "What strange discourses be these, my honoured -Herzbruder? Ye give me to understand ye are much bounden to me, and yet -will ye not see to it that I spend not my money vainly and to your -damage and mine!" And so we disputed with one another childishly -enough, because each was drunken with love of the other: thus was -Herzbruder made at once my steward, my treasurer, my servant, and my -master: and in our time of leisure he told me of his life and by what -means he was known and promoted by Count Götz, whereupon I told him how -I had fared since his father (of pious memory) died: for until then we -had never had so much time. But when he heard I had a young wife in -Lippstadt, he did reprove me that I had not repaired to her rather than -with him to Switzerland, for that had been more fitting, and was my -duty moreover: and when I would excuse myself, that I could not find it -in my heart to leave him, my best friend, in misery, he persuaded me to -write to my wife and tell her of my condition, with the promise to -visit her as soon as might be: to that I did add excuses for my long -absence, namely, all manner of contrarious happenings, though greatly I -had desired to be with her long ere now. - -Meanwhile Herzbruder, learning from the public prints that it stood -well with General Count Götz, and that in particular he would succeed -in his vindication before his Imperial Majesty, would be set free, and -even again receive command of an army, sent an account of how he stood -to that general at Vienna, and wrote also to the Bavarian army on the -score of his baggage that he had there: yea, and began to hope his -fortunes would again flourish. Upon which we concluded to part in the -spring, he going to the said count, and I to my wife at Lippstadt: yet -not to pass the winter in idleness we did learn from an engineer to -make more fortifications on paper than the kings of France and Spain -together could build: so too I made acquaintance with certain -alchymists that, because they saw I had money at my back, would teach -me to make gold, an I would but bear the expense of it: yea, and I do -believe they had persuaded me thereto had not Herzbruder given them -their congé, saying that he that possessed such an art would not need -to go about like a beggar, nor to ask others for money. - -But though Herzbruder did receive from Vienna a gracious answer from -the said count and fine promises, I heard no single word from -Lippstadt, though on several post-days I did write in duplicate. Which -put me in ill humour and was the cause that that spring I went not to -Westphalia, but obtained from Herzbruder that he should take me with -him to Vienna and let me share in his hoped-for good fortune. So with -my money we equipped ourselves like two cavaliers, both in clothing, -horses, servants, and arms, and travelled by Constance to Ulm, where we -embarked upon the Danube, and from thence in eight days came safely to -Vienna. - - - - -_Chap. iv._; IN WHAT MANNER SIMPLICISSIMUS AND HERZBRUDER WENT TO THE -WARS AGAIN AND RETURNED THENCE - - -Things be strangely ordered in this changeful world; 'Tis said he that -should know all things would soon be rich: but I say he that always -could seize his opportunity would soon be great and powerful. For many -a skinflint or cheese-parer (both which honourable titles are given to -misers) gets rich enough by knowing and using some knack of gain: yet -is he not therefore great, but is and remaineth always of less -estimation than when he was poor: but he that can make himself great -and powerful, him riches follow after close. So did luck, that is wont -to give power and riches, look on me favourably for once, and gave me -when I had been some eight days in Vienna opportunity in hand to mount -upon the rungs of fame without hindrance: yet I did it not. And why? I -hold 'twas because my fate had willed for me another road, namely, that -along which my foolishness did lead me. - -For the Count von der Wahl, under whose command I had before made -myself famous in Westphalia, was even then in Vienna when I came -thither with Herzbruder: which last was at a banquet when divers -Imperialist councillors of war were present with the Count of Götz and -others, where the talk was of all manner of strange fellows, soldiers -of different qualities, and famous partisans: and there was mention -made of the huntsman of Soest, and such famous exploits of him told -that some wondered at the youth of the fellow and lamented that the -crafty Hessian colonel Saint André had hung a weight round his neck so -that he must either lay aside the sword or serve under Swedish colours: -for the said Count von der Wahl had found out all the trick which the -same colonel had played me at Lippstadt. Herzbruder, that was there -present and would fain have forwarded my interest, asked for indulgence -and leave to speak, and said he knew that huntsman of Soest better than -any man in the world, which was not only a good soldier that feared not -the smell of powder, but also a good rider, a perfected fencer, an -excellent professor of musquetry and artillery, and besides all this -one that would yield place to no engineer in the world: that he had -left not only his wife (that had been so shamefully imposed upon him), -but all that he had at Lippstadt, and again sought the emperor's -service, and so had in the last campaign served under the Count of -Götz, and being then taken by the troops of Weimar and desiring to -return to the Imperialists, had with his comrade slain a corporal and -six musqueteers that had pursued them and would bring them back, and -had earned rich booty thereby, and so had come with him to Vienna with -intent to offer his service once more against his Imperial Majesty's -enemies, provided only he could have such terms as suited him: for as a -common soldier he would serve no more. - -By this time the worshipful company were so flustered with good liquor -that they must satisfy their curiosity to see the huntsman: to which -end Herzbruder was sent to fetch me in a coach: who on the way -instructed me how I should carry myself among these persons of quality, -since my fortune in time to come depended on this. So when I came to -them, at first I answered all questions very short and sententiously, -so that they began to admire me as one who said nothing that had not a -prudent meaning: in a word, I so presented myself that I pleased all, -besides this, that I had from Count von Wahl the reputation of a good -soldier. But with all this I got drunk, and well can I believe that in -that condition I proved to all how little I had been at court. And this -was the end of it all: that a colonel of foot promised me a company in -his regiment, which I refused not: for I thought, "To be a captain is -indeed no trifle." Yet Herzbruder next day rebuked me for my folly, and -said, had I but held out longer I had risen to high rank. - -So was I presented to a company as their captain, which company, -although with me 'twas in respect of officers fully staffed, yet -counted no more than seven privates that could stand sentry. Besides, -my under-officers were such old cripples that I must needs scratch my -head when I looked upon them. And so it came about that in the next -engagement, which happened not long after, I was with them miserably -beaten: in which affair Count von Götz lost his life and Herzbruder his -testicles, which were shot away: and I had my share in the leg though -'twas but a trifling wound. Whereupon we betook ourselves to Vienna, -there to be cured, and also because we had there left all our property. -But besides these wounds, which were soon healed, there appeared in -Herzbruder other evil symptoms which the doctors could not at first -recognise, for he was paralysed in all his extremities like a choleric -person whom his gall doth plague, to which complexion he was no more -given than to anger. Nevertheless he was counselled to take the waters, -and to that end the Griesbach in the Black Forest was commended to him. -And so doth fortune suddenly change. For Herzbruder just before had -been minded to marry a young lady of quality, and to that end to get -him made a Freiherr and me a nobleman: but now must he make other -plans; for having lost that by which he had meant to propagate his -family, and being, moreover, threatened with a tedious sickness ensuing -upon that loss, in which he would have need of good friends, he made -his will, and appointed me heir of all his property, the more so -because he saw how for his sake I cast my fortune to the winds and gave -up my command, that I might bear him company to the Spa and there wait -on him till he should recover his health. - - - - -_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS RODE COURIER AND IN THE LIKENESS OF -MERCURY LEARNED FROM JOVE WHAT HIS DESIGN WAS AS REGARDS WAR AND PEACE - - -So as soon as Herzbruder could ride we despatched our money (for now we -had but one purse in common) by way of banker's draft to Basel, -equipped ourselves with horses and servants, and made our way up the -Danube to Ulm and thence to the Spa before mentioned, for now 'twas May -and pleasant travelling. There did we hire a lodging: but I rid to -Strassburg, not only to receive in part our money which we had conveyed -thither by way of Basel, but also to inquire for the medicos of -experience that should prescribe for Herzbruder recipes and the manner -of his taking the baths. These came to me, and were of opinion that -Herzbruder had indeed been poisoned, yet was the poison not strong -enough to kill him offhand, and therefore it had made its way into his -limbs, from whence it must be evacuated by drugs, antidotes and -sweating-baths, which cure would last some eight weeks or so. At that -Herzbruder remembered at once when and by whom that poison had been -given him; namely, by them that would have had his place in the army: -and when he further learned from the physicians that his cure needed no -spa, then was he assured the field-surgeon had by his enemies been -bribed to send him so far away: yet did he resolve to complete his cure -there at the spa, for 'twas not only a healthy air but also there was -cheerful company among the bathing-guests. - -This time would I not waste: for I had a desire to see my wife once -more: and since Herzbruder needed me not greatly, I did open to him my -project, which he did praise, and advised me I should visit her, giving -me also certain trinkets of price which I should on his behalf present -to her, and therewith beg her pardon for that he had been the cause why -I had not before sought her out. With that I rode to Strassburg, and -not only provided myself with moneys but inquired also how I might -prosecute my journey in the safest way: whereupon I found 'twas not to -be accomplished by a horseman riding alone; for the roads were made -unsafe by the parties sent out from so many garrisons of the two -contending armies. So I got me a pass for a post-rider of Strassburg, -and drew up certain letters to my wife, her sisters, and her parents, -as I would send him with them to Lippstadt: yet feigned to be of a -different mind, took back the pass from the messenger, sent back my -horse and servant, and disguised myself in a red and white livery: in -that I journeyed by ship to Cologne, which was at that time neutral -between the two parties. - -And first I must go to visit my Jupiter, that had aforetime appointed -me his Ganymede, to ask how it fared with the property I had left -there: but him I found quite brain-sick again and full of anger against -the human race. "O Mercury," says he, as soon as he saw me, "what news -from Münster? Do men conceive they can make peace without my good will? -Nay, never! they did have peace. Why kept they it not? Was not vice -everywhere triumphant when they provoked me to send them war? And how -have they deserved that I should give them peace again? Have they since -been converted? Are they not become worse, and do they not run into war -as to a festival? Or have they perchance repented them by reason of the -famine that I sent among them, whereof so many thousands died of -hunger? Or hath the grievous pestilence terrified them to better their -ways, whereby so many millions were cut off? Nay, nay, Mercurius, they -that remain, that did see these dreadful sufferings with their own -eyes, have not only not repented, but be grown worse than ever they -were. And if they have not been turned by so many sore plagues, nor -have ceased to live in godless wise in the midst of such trial and -tribulation, what will they do if I should grant them again the -delights of golden peace? Then must I fear lest, as once did the -giants, so they now should try to storm my heaven. But such overweening -I will check in good time and leave them to perish in their war." But I -knowing how one must go about with this god if one would make him hear -reason, "Oh, great god," says I, "all the world doth sigh for peace and -promise great amendment: why wilt thou then continue to refuse them -such?" "Yea," answered Jupiter, "doubtless they sigh: yet not for my -sake but their own: not that each may praise God under his own vine and -fig-tree, but that they may enjoy the fruit thereof in peace and -delight. Of late I asked of a scurvy tailor, should I give him peace? -He gave me answer, 'twas the same to him, that must ply his needle as -well in peace as in war: and the like answer I got from a brazier, -which said if he could get no bells to found in peace time, yet in time -of war he had enough to do with cannon and mortars. So likewise, a -smith replied to me and said, 'Though I have no ploughs and hay-carts -to mend in war-time, yet have I so many war-horses and army waggons to -deal with that I can well afford to do without peace.' Lookye then, -dear Mercurius, why should I grant them peace? True there be some that -do desire it, yet only as I say, for their belly's sake and their -pleasure: contrariwise there be others that will still have war, not -because 'tis my will, but because 'tis for their profit. And just as -the masons and carpenters desire peace, to earn money by the building -again of ruined houses, so others that be not sure of earning a living -by their handicraft in time of peace do hope for the continuing of war, -wherein they can steal." - -Now when I found my Jupiter so to go about with these matters, I could -well conceive that he, with so confused a mind, could give me little -account of mine own, and so I made not my business known to him, but -took the bull by the horns, and away by by-paths well known to me, to -Lippstadt, where I inquired for my father-in-law as I were a messenger -from foreign parts, and learned at once that he, with his wife, had -quitted this world six months before, and secondly, that my dear wife, -having been delivered of a man-child, that was now with her sister, had -in like manner straightway, after her lying-in, quitted this mortal -scene. Upon that I delivered to my brother-in-law the writings which I -had before addressed to my father-in-law, to my wife, and to him, my -wife's brother. Who would have entertained me himself, to learn from -me, as from a messenger, how it fared with Simplicissimus and of what -rank he was now. In the end mine own sister-in-law did at length -converse with me, I telling of myself all the good I knew; for my -pock-pitted face had so marred and changed me that no man could know me -more, save Herr von Schönstein: and he, as my true friend, did hold his -tongue. But I telling her at length how Herr Simplicissimus had many -fine horses and servants and rode abroad in a black-velvet coat all -trimmed with gold, "Yea," said she, "I did ever believe he was of no -such low descent as he gave himself out to be: the commandant of this -place did ever persuade my late parents, with great assurances, that -they had made a good match with him for my sister, which had ever been -a virtuous maiden: yet of all that I myself could never look for a good -ending. Nevertheless did he content himself and resolve to take upon -him either Swedish or Hessian service in the garrison here: and to that -end would he fetch hither his goods that he had left at Cologne: which -turned out ill, and he himself was by clean roguery spirited away into -France, leaving my sister, that had had him to husband but for four -weeks, yea, and a half-dozen of citizens' daughters likewise, with -child by him; all which one after another, and my sister last of all, -were brought to bed of boys. So since my father and mother were dead, -and I and my husband without hope of children, we did adopt my sister's -child to be the heir of all our property, and with the help of the -commandant here did get possession of his father's money at Cologne; -which same might be reckoned at three thousand gulden; and so the young -lad when he shall come of age shall have no cause to count himself -among the paupers. Yea, I and my husband do love the child so much that -we would not yield him up to his own father though he came in person to -fetch him away: moreover, he is the comeliest of all his half-brothers, -and so like to his father as he had been cut out on his very pattern: -and I know if my brother-in-law did but hear what a fair son he hath he -would not delay to come hither were it but to see the little -sweetheart." - -The like talk my sister-in-law held, by which I might well perceive her -love to my child, which now ran about in his first breeches, and -rejoiced mine heart: and with that I brought out the trinkets that -Herzbruder had given me to present on his behalf to my wife: which, -said I, Master Simplicissimus had given me to deliver to his wife for a -salutation: who being dead, I accounted it fair to leave the same for -his child: all which my brother-in-law and his wife received with joy, -and were convinced thereby that I had no want of means, but must indeed -be a fellow of a different sort from that which they had fancied me to -be. So now I pressed for leave to be gone, and having obtained such, I -begged in the name of Simplicissimus to kiss Simplicissimus the -younger, that I might tell the same to his father for a token. And this -being done with the goodwill of my sister-in-law, my nose and the -child's began at once and together to bleed, till I thought my heart -would break: yet did I hide my feelings, and that none might have time -to mark the cause of this sympathy, I took myself off at once, and -after fourteen days of much trouble and danger came again to the spa in -beggar's garb: for on the way I had been plundered and stripped. - - - - -_Chap. vi._: A STORY OF A TRICK THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS PLAYED AT THE SPA - - -So being returned, I found Herzbruder rather worse than better, though -the doctors and apothecaries had plucked him cleaner than any pigeon: -nay, more: he seemed to me now to be childish, nor could he walk -straight. I did hearten him up as best I could, but his was an ill -plight; himself perceiving well by his loss of strength that he could -not last long; and his chief comfort was this, that I should be by his -side when he should close his eyes. Contrariwise I was merry, and -sought my pleasure where I thought to find it: though in such wise that -Herzbruder lacked none of my care. Yet because I knew myself now for a -widower, the fine weather and my young blood enticed me to wantonness, -whereunto I did fully give myself over; for the fear that had possessed -me at Einsiedeln I had now quite forgot. Now there was at the spa a -fair lady[36] that gave herself out to be a person of quality, yet was -to my thinking more "mobilis" than "nobilis": to this man-trap did I -pay my constant court as to one that seemed a bona roba, and in brief -space of time did obtain not only free entry to her but also all such -favours as I could desire. Yet had I from the first a disgust at her -lightness, and so did devise how I might in all courtesy be rid of her: -for methought she had her eye more on my purse than on me for a -bridegroom: yea, and did persecute me with hot and wanton glances and -the like tokens of her burning love wheresoever I might be, till I must -be shamed both for her sake and mine own. - -At that time there was at the baths a rich Switzer of quality: from -whom was stolen not only his money, but his wife's jewellery, which was -of gold, silver, pearls, and precious stones. And since 'tis as -grievous to lose such things as 'tis hard to get them, therefore the -said Switzer would move heaven and earth to come by them again, and did -even send for the famous devil-driver of the Goatskin,[37] which -did so plague the thief by his charms that he must needs restore the -stolen goods to their proper place: for which the wizard earned ten -rix-dollars. - -With this enchanter I had fain conversed: but, as I then conceived, it -could not be, without lessening of my dignity (for at that time I -thought no small beer of myself). So I did engage my servant to be -drunk with him that same night (having learned he was a toper of the -first quality) to see if by such means I could have his acquaintance: -for so many strange things were told to me of him that I could not -believe till I had heard them from himself. To that end did I disguise -myself as a strolling quack, and sat down by him at table to see if he -could guess or the devil could tell him who I was: yet could I mark no -such knowledge in him, but he would drink and drink, taking me for that -which my raiment proclaimed me, yea, and drank some few glasses to my -health, yet shewed more respect to my knave than to me. For to him he -told in all confidence that if he that had robbed the Switzer had -thrown but the smallest part thereof into running water and so shared -the booty with the devil, it had been impossible either to name the -thief or to get back the goods. - -To all these silly conceits I listened, and wondered how the father of -deceits and lies can by so small a thing bring men into his clutches. I -could easily conceive that this was a clause in our enchanter's -indenture with the devil, and perceive how such a trick could not help -the thief if only another exorcist were fetched in to detect the theft, -in whose compact this condition was not to be found: and so charged my -knave, that could steal better than any gipsy, to make the man drunk -and then steal his ten rix-dollars, and presently thereafter to cast a -couple of batzen into the river Rench. This he did with all diligence, -and when the witch-doctor next morning missed his money, he betook -himself to a thicket by the bank of the Rench, doubtless to confer with -his familiar spirit: by whom he was so ill-handled that he came off -with a face all bruised and scratched; whereat I felt such pity for the -poor old rogue that I gave him back his money and sent him a message -that, since he now could see what a traitorous, evil spirit the devil -was, he might renounce his service and company, and turn to God again: -which warning brought me but little profit, for presently my two fair -horses sickened and died by witchcraft; and what else could I expect? -for I lived like Epicurus in his stye and never did commend my goods to -God's care: why, therefore, should the wizard not be able to revenge -himself on me? - - - - -_Chap. vii._: HOW HERZBRUDER DIED AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS AGAIN FELL TO -WANTON COURSES - - -With the spa I was the more pleased the longer I stayed, for not only -did the guests increase daily, but the place and the manner of life -also delighted me hugely. I joined acquaintance with the merriest that -resorted thither and did begin to learn courtesy and compliment, -wherewith I had till then troubled myself but little: and so was -counted as of the nobility, my people calling me ever "noble captain"; -for no mere soldier of fortune did ever gain so high a post at that age -at which I still was. So with these rich fops I made, and they with me, -not acquaintance only but sworn friendship; and pastime, play, eating, -and drinking were all my work and care, which robbed me of many a fair -ducat without my much perceiving or marking of it: for my purse was yet -fairly heavy with Oliver's legacy. - -Meanwhile things went from bad to worse with Herzbruder, till at last -he must pay the debt of nature, all doctors and physicians now -deserting him on whom they had fattened so long. So he confirmed once -more his last will and testament and made me heir of all he had to -receive from his late father's property. And in return I gave him a -noble funeral and sent his servants on their way with mourning and -money withal. - -Yet his disease heartily vexed me, and especially because he had been -poisoned: and though I could not change that, yet it changed me: for -now I eschewed all company and sought only for solitude to give a -hearing to my sad thoughts: to which end I would hide myself in some -thicket and there would muse, not only upon what a friend I had lost, -but also how I should never in my life find such another one. At times -I would lay all manner of plans for my future life and yet could -resolve on none: now I thought I would to the wars again: and then -bethought me how even the poorest peasant in this land was better off -than any colonel: for into those mountains came never a foraging party. -Yea, I could well fancy what an army would find to do there in ravaging -of the country, seeing that all the farmhouses were well kept, as if in -peace-time, and all the stalls full of cattle, while in many a village -of Germany in the plains neither dog nor cat could be found. So as I -delighted myself with hearing of the sweet song of birds, and did -fancifully conceive how the nightingale should by her dulcet song -silence all other birds and force them to listen either from shame or -to steal somewhat of her pleasant strains, there came to the opposite -bank of the stream a beauty, that did move me more, because she wore -but the habit of a peasant girl, than could any fine demoiselle have -done; which took a basket from her head wherein she had a pack of fresh -butter, to sell at the spa: this did she cool in the water that it -might not melt by reason of the great heat, and meanwhile, sitting down -upon the grass, did throw aside her kerchief and her peasant hat and -wipe the sweat from her face, so that I could exactly observe her and -feed my curious eyes upon her: and truly methought I had never seen a -fairer form in my life: for the mould of her figure seemed perfect and -without blemish, her arms and hands white as snow, her face fresh and -sweet, but her black eyes full of fire and amorous looks. So as she was -packing of her butter up again I cried across to her, "Ah, maiden, 'tis -true ye have cooled your butter in the water with your fair hands, yet -with your bright eyes have ye set my heart afire." But she no sooner -saw and heard me but away she ran as if she were pursued, without -answering me a word, and so left me possessed with all the follies -wherewith fantastic lovers are wont to be tormented. - -But my desire to be further illumined by this sun left me not in peace -in the solitude I had chosen, but caused me to care no more for the -song of the nightingale than for the howl of a wolf: therefore I made -my way to the spa, and did send my page in front to accost the pretty -butter-seller and to bargain with her till I should come: so he did his -best, and I, when I came, did mine also: but found a heart of stone, -and such coldness as I had never thought to find in any peasant-girl, -which made me yet more in love, especially since I, that had been much -a scholar in such schools, might well judge by such a carriage she -would not easily be befooled. - -And now should I have had either a great enemy or a great friend: -either an enemy to think of and devise evil against, and so to forget -my fool's love, or a friend that should give me other counsel and warn -me from the folly I proposed. But alas! I had naught but my money, -which did but dazzle me, and my blind desires which led me astray, I -giving them the rein, and mine own impudence, that ruined me and -brought me to disaster. Fool that I was, I should have judged by our -clothes, as by an evil omen, that her love would work me woe. For I -having lost Herzbruder and the girl her parents, we were both dressed -in mourning clothes when we first met: and so what joy could our love -portend? In a word, I was properly caught in a fool's snare, and -therefore as blind and without reason as the boy Cupid himself: and -because I had no hope otherwise to satisfy my bestial desires, I did -determine to marry her. - -"For how!" thought I, "thou beest by descent but a peasant's brat and -wilt never in thy life keep thy castle: and this fair champaign is a -noble land, that throughout this grisly war hath, in comparison with -other parts, maintained itself in peace and prosperity: besides, thou -hast gold enough to buy thee even the best farm in this countryside: -and now shalt thou marry with this honest peasant-girl and get thee a -lord's reputation among the country-folk. And where couldst find a -cheerfuller dwelling-place than near the spa, where thou canst, by -reason of the coming and going of the guests, see a new world every six -weeks, and so conceive how the great world doth change from one age to -another?" - -Such and a thousand like plans I made, till at length I sought my -sweetheart in marriage and (yet not without pains) did obtain her -consent. - - - - -_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND HIS SECOND MARRIAGE TURN OUT, -AND HOW HE MET WITH HIS DAD AND LEARNED WHO HIS PARENTS HAD BEEN - - -So I made fine preparation for the wedding: for all seemed rose-colour -to me. Not only did I buy up the whole farm whereon my bride had been -born, but began also a fine new building besides, as if I would rather -keep court than keep house: and before the wedding was over I had -already more than thirty head of cattle on the farm; for so many could -it maintain all the year round: in a word, I had the best of everything -and such fine household plenishing as only folly like mine could -devise. But soon I must whistle to a different tune, for I found my -bride too knowing; and now, all too late, was I ware of the cause why -she had been so loath to take me: and what vexed me most was that I -could tell to no man my silly plight. I knew well enough that 'twas -reasonable I must pay the piper; yet the knowledge made me not more -patient, still less better in life; nay, rather I thought to betray the -traitress, and so began to go a-grazing where I could find pasture: -which kept me rather in good company at the spa than at home, and for a -year at least I left my housekeeping to take care of itself. And for -her part my wife was as slovenly as I: an ox that I had had slaughtered -for household use she salted in baskets like pork, and when she was to -prepare a sucking-pig for me she tried to pluck it like a fowl: yea, -she would cook crayfish with a roasting-jack and trout on a spit: from -which examples a man may judge what manner of housewife I found her: -and withal she would drink freely of the good wine and share it with -her good friends: and that was a sign of my coming disasters. - -Now it fell out that as I was walking down the valley with some fops of -the spa to visit a company at the lower baths, there met us an old -peasant with a goat on a string, that he wished to sell, and because -methought I had seen him before, I asked whence he came with his goat. -At which he doffed his cap and "Your worship," says he, "that I may not -tell you." "How," said I, "surely thou hast not stolen the beast?" -"Nay," answered the peasant, "but I bring him from a village there in -the valley, the which I may not mention to your worship in the presence -of a goat"[38] which caused my company to laugh, and because I changed -colour they deemed I was vexed or ashamed that the peasant did answer -me so neatly. Yet my thoughts were otherwise, for by the great wart -that this peasant had, like an unicorn, in the middle of his forehead, -I was assured 'twas my dad from the Spessart, and so would first play -the conjurer before I would make myself known and delight him with so -fine a son as my clothes shewed me to be. So I said to him, "Good -father, is not your home in the Spessart?" "Yes, your worship," says -he. "Then," said I, "did ye not some eighteen year agone have -your house and farm plundered and burnt by the troopers?" "Yea, -God-a-mercy," quoth the peasant, "yet 'tis not so long ago": but I -asked him further, "Did ye not, then, have two children, a grown -daughter and a young lad that kept your sheep?" "Nay, your worship," -says my dad, "the daughter was my child but not the boy: yet would I -bring him up as mine own." And by that I understood I was no son of -this rough yokel: and that in part rejoiced me yet again troubled me, -for I thought now I must be some bastard or foundling, and therefore -asked my dad how he had come by the said boy or what reason he had had -to rear him as his own. "Ah," says he, "I had strange luck with him: by -war I got him and by war I lost him." - -But now being afeared lest some fact should come to light that would -disgrace my birth, I turned the discourse upon the goat again and asked -if he had sold it to the hostess for cooking, which would seem strange -to me as knowing that her guests used not to eat old goat's flesh. But -"Nay, your worship," quoth the peasant, "the hostess hath goats enow -and will pay naught for such: I do bring her for the countess that is -at the spa to bathe. For Doctor Busybody hath ordered certain herbs for -this goat to eat: and the milk that she gives therefrom the doctor -taketh to make a medicine for the countess, that is to drink the milk -and so be cured: for they say the countess hath no stomach, and if the -goat help her 'twill do more than the doctor and all his sawbones -together." While he thus talked I considered how I might have further -speech with him, and so offered him for the goat a dollar more than the -doctor or the countess would give: to which he readily agreed (for -small gain will easily turn folk), yet on condition he should first -tell the countess that I had bid a thaler more: and if she would give -as much she should have the preference: if not, he would bring me the -goat and would in the evening let me know how the business stood. With -that my dad went his way and I, with my company, ours: yet could I and -would I not stay longer with them, but turned me back and went where I -found my dad again: who still had his goat, for others would not give -him so much as I: which, for so rich people, did amaze me, yet made me -not more niggardly: for I took him to my new-bought farm and paid him -for his goat, and when I had him half-foxed I asked of him whence came -the lad to him of whom we spoke to-day. "Ah, your worship," says he, -"the Mansfeld war brought him to me and the Nördlingen battle took him -away again." "And that," quoth I, "must be a merry story," and so I -begged him, since we had naught else to talk of, to tell it me to pass -the time. - -With that he began, and says he, "When Mansfeld[39] lost the battle at -Höchst, his people were scattered abroad as not knowing whither to -flee: of whom many came into the Spessart, seeking woods wherein to -hide them: but though they had escaped death on the plains they found -it in the hills: for since both parties thought it their right to -plunder and murder one another on our lands, we peasants would have a -finger in their pie too. So 'twas but seldom that a farmer would go -into his woods without a musquet, for we could not bide at home with -our hoes and ploughs. And in this wild business did I light upon a fair -young lady mounted on a goodly horse, in a savage and lonesome wood, -yet not far from my farm: and just before, I had heard shots fired: and -at first I took her for a man, for she rode like such: yet when I saw -her raise hands and eyes to heaven and in a pitiful voice, though in a -strange tongue, cry aloud to God, I lowered my gun, with which I would -have fired upon her, and uncocked it; for her cries and actions did -well assure me 'twas a woman, and one in trouble withal. So we drew -near to each other, and when she saw me, 'Ah,' says she, 'if ye be a -Christian and an honest man, I pray you for God and His mercy, yea, and -for that Last Judgment before which we must all give account of our -deeds and misdeeds, to bring me to some married woman that with God's -help may deliver me of my burden!' Which words, as being of such -import, together with the gentle speech and the troubled, yet fair and -kind face of the poor lady, did compel me to such pity that I took her -horse by the bridle and led her over bush and brier to the thickest -part of the wood whither I had brought my wife, my child, my people, -and my cattle for refuge: and there within half an hour was she -delivered of that young boy of whom we did discourse to-day." - -With that my dad finished his story and his glass: for I was no niggard -of my wine for him: and when he had emptied it I asked him how it fared -thereafter with the lady: to which he answered thus: "When she was -delivered she begged me to be godfather, and to bring the child to -baptism as soon as might be, and told me her own and her husband's name -that they might be written in the book of Christenings: and then did -she open her wallet wherein she had full costly trinkets, and of these -gave so many to me, to my wife and child, my maid-servant and to -another woman that was by, that we might well be content with her: but -even while she did this, and told us of her husband, she died under our -hands, having first commended the child to us. But since the tumult in -the land was then so great that none could abide in his own house, we -had much trouble to come by a clergyman that should baptize the child -and attend the funeral. Yet both being done, 'twas commanded me by our -burgomaster and our priest that I should rear the child till 'twas -grown, and for my trouble and cost should keep all the lady's property -save a few rosaries and precious stones and jewellery, which I should -keep for the child. So my wife did nourish the babe with goat's milk, -and we loved the lad, and did think when he should be grown up to give -him our daughter to wife: but after the battle at Nördlingen did I lose -both boy and girl and all that I possessed." - -"Now," says I to my dad, "ye have told me a pretty tale enough and yet -forgot the best part: for ye have not told me the name of the lady or -her husband or the child." "Your honour," he answered, "I thought not -ye desired to know it: but the lady's name was Susanna Ramsay: her -husband was Captain Sternfels, of Fuchsheim, and because my name was -Melchior did I have the child baptized Melchior Sternfels, of -Fuchsheim, and so inscribed in the book." - -Now from that I knew clearly that I was the true-born son of my hermit -and of Governor Ramsay's sister; but alas! far too late, for my parents -were both dead, and of my uncle Ramsay could I learn nothing save that -the Hanauers had rid themselves of him and his Swedish garrison, -whereat he had gone crazy for rage and vexation. But I treated my -godfather well with wine, and next day had his wife fetcht likewise: -yet when I declared myself to them, would they not believe it, till I -did shew them a black and hairy mole I had upon my breast. - - - - -_Chap. ix._: IN WHAT MANNER THE PAINS OF CHILD-BIRTH CAME UPON HIM, AND -HOW HE BECAME A WIDOWER - - -Not long after this I did take my godfather with me, and ride into the -Spessart to get certain news and certificate of my descent and noble -birth; which I gat without difficulty from the book of baptisms and my -godfather's witness: and presently thereafter visited the priest that -had dwelt at Hanau and had taken care of me: which gave me a writing to -declare where my late father had died, and that I had abode with him to -his death and thereafter for a long time with Master Ramsay, the -commandant at Hanau, under the name of Simplicissimus: yea, I had an -instrument containing my whole history drawn up by a notary out of the -mouth of witnesses; for I thought, "Who knoweth when thou wilt have -need of it?" And this journey did cost me 400 thalers, for on my return -I was captured by a party, dismounted, and plundered so that I and my -dad or godfather came off naked and hardly with our lives. - -Meanwhile things went ill at home: for as soon as my wife knew her -husband was a nobleman she not only did play the great lady, but did -neglect all housekeeping; which I bore in silence because she was big -with child: moreover, misfortune came on my cattle and robbed me of my -chiefest and best: all which 'twould have been possible to endure, but -O Gemini! misfortunes came not singly: for even then while my wife was -delivered, the maid was brought to bed likewise: and the child she bore -was indeed like to me, but that which my wife had was so like to the -farm-servant as it had been cut on the pattern of his face. Nay, more! -for the lady of whom I writ above did in the same night cause one to be -laid at my door with notice in writing that I was the father: and so -did I get a family of three at once, and could not but expect that -others would creep out of every corner, which caused me not a few grey -hairs. But so will it fare with whoever doth follow his own bestial -lusts in such a godless and wicked way of life as I had led. - -And now what to do! I must have the baptism and be soundly punished by -the magistrate: and the government being then Swedish, and I an old -soldier of the emperor, the score was the heavier to pay: all which was -but the preface to my complete ruination the second time. And although -all these manifold disasters did greatly trouble me, yet my wife -contrariwise took all lightly; yea, did mock at me day and night about -the fine treasure that had been laid at my door and for which I had -paid so dearly: yet had she but known how 'twas with me and the maid -she would have plagued me yet worse: but that good creature was so -complacent as to let herself be persuaded with as much money as I -should other ways have been fined for her sake, to swear her child to a -fop that had at times visited me the year before and had been at the -wedding, but whom otherwise she knew not. Yet must she go a-packing, -for my wife did suspect what I thought of her and the farm-servant, yet -dared not hint thereat: for else had I proved to her that I could not -at once be with her and with the maid. Yet all the while I was -tormented with the thought that I must rear a child for my servant, and -mine own sons should not be my heirs, and yet must I hold my peace and -be glad that none else knew of it: and with such thoughts did I daily -torment myself, while my wife revelled every hour in wine; for since -our marriage she had so used herself to the bottle that 'twas seldom -away from her mouth, and she herself scarce went to bed any night but -half-drunk: by which means she robbed her child of its nourishment and -so inflamed her inward parts that soon after they fell out, and so made -me a widower the second time, which went so my heart that I wellnigh -laughed myself into a sickness. - - - - -_Chap. x._: RELATION OF CERTAIN PEASANTS CONCERNING THE WONDERFUL -MUMMELSEE - - -So now did I find myself restored to mine ancient freedom, but -with a purse pretty well emptied of gold, and yet a great household -overburdened with cattle and servants. Therefore I took my -foster-father Melchior to be as my father, and my foster-mother, his -wife, to be my mother, and young bastard Simplicissimus that had been -laid at my door I made my heir, and handed over to these two old people -house and farm, together with all my property save a few yellow-boys -and jewels that I had saved and kept hidden to meet extreme need: for -now had I conceived such a loathing for the company and society of all -women that I had determined, having fared so ill with them, never to -marry again. So this old couple, which in matters rustic could hardly -meet their likes for skill, presently arranged my housekeeping in -different fashion. For they got rid of such cattle and servants as were -of no use, and in their place had for the farm such as would bring -profit. So my old dad and my mammy bade me be of good cheer, and -promised if I would let them manage all to keep me ever a good horse in -the stable and myself so well furnished that I could now and then drink -my measure of wine with any honest companion. And presently I was ware -of what manner of people now managed my estate: for my foster-father -with the labourers tilled the ground, and bargained for cattle and -wood and resin sharper than any Jew, while his wife gave herself to -cattle-breeding and contrived to save the milk-penny and keep it better -than ten such wives as I had had. In such wise my farmyard was in short -space furnished with all needful implements and cattle small and great, -so that soon 'twas esteemed one of the best in that country-side: and I -meanwhile took my walks abroad and gave myself up to contemplations, -for when I saw how my foster-mother earned more by her bees alone, in -wax and honey, than my wife had gained from cattle, swine, and all the -rest together, I could well conceive that in other matters she would -not be caught napping. - -Now it happened on a time that I took my walk in the spa, more for the -sake of a draught of fresh water than, according to my former usage, to -make acquaintance with the fops: for I had begun to imitate the -thriftiness of my parents, who counselled me I should not much consort -with folk that so wantonly wasted their own and their father's goods. -Yet I joined myself to a company of men of moderate rank who even then -were in discourse concerning a strange matter, namely, of the -Mummelsee, which said they was bottomless, and which was situate on one -of the highest mountains near by: and they had sent for several old -peasants and would have them to tell all that one and the other had -heard of this wondrous lake, to whose stories I hearkened with great -delight, though I held them all to be as vain fables as be some of -Plinius's tales. - -For one said if any man should tie up an odd number of things such as -peas or pebbles, or what not, in a kerchief, and let it down into the -water, presently the number would be even. And if one should drop in an -even number, at once it became odd. Others, and indeed the most part, -declared, and confirmed what they said by examples, that if a man -should throw in one or more stones, however fair the skies might be -till then, at once there would arise a terrible storm with fearful -rain, hail and hurricane. From that they came to all manner of strange -histories that had happened there, and what wondrous appearances of -earth- and water-spirits had there been seen and how they had talked -with mankind. One told how on a time, as certain herdsmen were keeping -cattle by the lake, there arose a brown ox out of the water that mixed -with the other cattle, but there followed him a little mannikin to -drive him back into the lake; who would not obey till the little man -had sworn that if he did not come back he should suffer all the ills of -human kind. At which words ox and man again sank into the lake. Another -said it happened at a time when the lake was frozen over that a -peasant, with his oxen and sundry trunks of trees, such as we hew -planks out of, passed over the lake without harm; but when his dog -would follow him the ice broke, and so the poor beast fell in and was -never seen again. And yet another swore 'twas solemn truth that a -huntsman following in the track of game was passing by the lake, and -there saw a water-spirit sitting with a whole lapful of coined money -and playing therewith; at whom when he would have shot, the spirit sank -into the water, and cried, "Hadst thou but prayed me to help thee in -thy trade, I would have made thee and thine rich for life." - -Such and the like tales, which seemed to me all as fables with which we -do amuse our children, did I hearken to, and never deemed it possible -that there could be such a bottomless lake upon a high mountain. But -there were other peasants, and those old and credible men, that -affirmed that within their own and their father's memory high and -princely persons had journeyed to behold the said lake, and that a -reigning Duke of Würtemberg had caused a raft to be made, and had put -out into the lake thereupon to sound its depth: but that after the -measures had already let down nine thread-cables (which is a measure of -length better understanded of the peasants' wives of the Black Forest -than of me or any other geometer) with a sinking-lead, and yet had -found no bottom, the raft, contrary to the nature of wood, began to -sink, so that they that were upon it must perforce give up their -purpose and make all haste to land, and so to this day can be seen the -fragments of the raft on the shore of the lake, with the arms of -Würtemberg and other matters carved upon the wood for a memorial of -this history. Others called many witnesses to prove that a certain -archduke of Austria had desired to drain the lake, but was by many -dissuaded and at the petition of the people of the land the plan given -up, for fear lest the whole country might be drowned and destroyed. -Furthermore, the said noble princes had caused barrels full of trout to -be put into the lake; all which in less than an hour died before their -eyes and floated away through the outlet of the lake, notwithstanding -that the stream that flows under the mountain on which the lake lies -and through the valley that takes its name therefrom produces by nature -such fish, and that the outlet of the lake is into the said stream. - - - - -_Chap. xi._: OF THE MARVELLOUS THANKSGIVING OF A PATIENT, AND OF THE -HOLY THOUGHTS THEREBY AWAKENED IN SIMPLICISSIMUS - - -These last did so affirm what they said that I now began almost -entirely to believe them, and they did so move my curiosity that I -determined to visit this wondrous lake. But of those that with me had -listened to the whole story one judged one way and another another, -from which sufficiently appeared their different and contradictory ways -of thinking. For my part I said the German name Mummelsee[40] -sufficiently declared that there was about the thing, as about a -masquerade, some disguise, so that none might fathom either its nature -or its depth, which had never yet been discovered, though such high -personages had attempted it. And with that I betook me to the same -place where a year before I had seen my departed wife for the first -time and drank in the sweet poison of love. And there I laid myself -down on the green grass in the shade, yet took no heed as I had done -before to what the nightingales did sing, but rather pondered on the -changes I had suffered since then. I represented to myself how in that -very place I had begun to be in place of a free man a slave of love, -and how since then I had become from an officer a peasant, from a rich -peasant a poor nobleman, from a Simplicissimus a Melchior, from a -widower a husband, from a husband a cuckold, and from a cuckold a -widower again; moreover, from a peasant's brat I had proved to be the -son of a good soldier, and yet again the son of my old dad. Then again -I reflected how fate had robbed me of my Herzbruder, and in his place -had provided me with two old married folk. I thought of the godly life -and decease of my father; the piteous death of my mother; and, further, -of the manifold changes which I had undergone in my lifetime, till I -could no longer refrain myself from tears. And even while I reflected -how much good money I in my lifetime had possessed and squandered away, -and began to lament therefore, there came two good soakers or -winebibbers on whom the gout had fastened in their limbs, whereby they -were crippled and needed both the baths and to drink the waters: these -set themselves down by me, for 'twas a fair place to rest, and each -bewailed to the other his sad case as thinking that they were alone. So -said the one, "My doctor hath sent me here either as one of whose -healing he despaired or else as one that with others might help him to -repay my host here for the keg of butter he sent him: I would I had -either never seen him in my life or else that he had at the first sent -me to the spa, for so should I either have more money than now or else -be sounder, for the waters suit my case right well." And "Ah" says the -other, "I thank my God that He hath given me no more money to spare -than what I have, for had my doctor known that I had more behind he had -never counselled me to come to the spa; but I must have shared all -between him and his apothecaries, that for this cause do oil his palms -year by year--yea, even though I should have died and perished in the -meanwhile. These greedy fellows send not men like us to so healthful a -place till they be well assured they can help us no more, or else find -us pigeons they can pluck no longer: and if the truth must be -confessed, he that once deals with them, and of whom they know that he -has money, must pay them only to this end, that they keep him sick." -And much more evil had these two to say of their doctors, but I care -not to tell it all: otherwise might the gentlemen of that profession -take it amiss and some time or other give me a dose that should purge -my soul out of my body. Nay, I do but mention it for this cause, -because this second patient, in giving thanks to God that He had given -him no more wealth, so comforted me that I banished clean out of my -mind all vexations and heavy thoughts that had assailed me on the score -of money: and I did resolve to strive no more for honour nor gold nor -for aught else that the world loveth. Yea, I determined to be a -philosopher and to devote myself to a godly life, and in especial to -lament mine own impenitence and to endeavour myself, like my dear -departed father, to ascend to the highest degree of piety. - - - - -_Chap. xii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS JOURNEYED WITH THE SYLPHS TO THE -CENTRE OF THE EARTH - - -Now this desire to visit the Mummelsee increased with me when I learned -from my foster-father that he had been there and knew the way thither; -but when he heard that I likewise would go, "And what will ye gain," -says he, "by going thither? My son with his old dad will see naught -else but the picture of a pond lying in the midst of a great wood, and -when he hath paid for his present taste with sore distaste, he will -have naught but repentance and weary feet (for a man can hardly come to -the place by riding) and the way back instead of the way thither. Nor -should ever any man have had me to go thither had I not been forced to -flee there when Doctor Daniel (by which he meant Duc d'Anguin[41]) -marched with his troops down through the country to Philippsburg." Yet -my curiosity would not be turned aside by his dissuasion, but I got me -a fellow that should guide me thither; so my father, seeing my fixed -intent, said, since the oat-crop was gathered in, and there was neither -hoeing nor reaping to be done on the farm, he would even go with me and -shew the way. For he loved me so that he would fain not let me out of -his sight, and since all the people of the country believed I was his -true-born son, he was proud of me; and so behaved to me and to all -others as a poor man might well do in respect of a son whom good -fortune, without his own help and assistance, had turned into a fine -gentleman. - -So together we set off over hill and dale and came to the Mummelsee; -and that before we had gone six hours, for my dad was as lively as a -cricket and as good a traveller as any young man. And there we consumed -what meat and drink we had brought with us, for the long journey and -the high mountain on which the lake lieth had made us both hungry and -thirsty. So having refreshed ourselves I did inspect the lake, and -found lying in it certain hewn timbers which my dad and I took to be -the remains of the Würtemberg raft: and I by geometry took or estimated -the length and breadth of the water (for 'twas far too wearisome to go -round the lake and measure it by paces or feet), and entered the -dimensions, by means of the scale of reduction, in my tablets. And -having done this, the sky being completely clear and the air windless -and calm, I must needs try what truth was in the legend that a storm -would arise if any should throw a stone into the lake; having already -found those stories I had heard, how the lake would suffer no trout to -live in it, to be true, by reason of the mineral taste of the waters. -So to make trial of this, I walked along the lake to the left, where -the water, which elsewhere is as clear as a crystal, doth begin, by -reason of the monstrous depth, to shew as black as coal, and therefore -is so dreadful of appearance that the mere look of it doth terrify. -And there I began to cast in stones as great as I could carry; my -foster-father or dad not only refusing to help me, but warning and -begging me to give over, as much as in him lay: but I went busily on -with my work, and such stones as by reason of their size and weight I -could not carry, I rolled down till I had cast more than thirty such -into the lake. Then began the sky to be covered with black clouds, in -which terrible thundering was heard, so that my dad, which stood on the -other side of the lake by the outlet, lamenting over my work, cried out -to me that I should escape, lest we be caught by the rain and the -dreadful storm, or even a worse mishap chance to us. But in despite of -all I answered him, "Father, I will stay and await the end even though -it rained pitchforks." "Yea, yea," answered he, "ye act like all madcap -boys, that care not if the world perish." - -But I, while I listened to his scolding, turned not mine eyes away from -the depths of the lake, expecting to see certain bladders or bubbles -rising up from the bottom, as is wont to happen when stones are thrown -into deep water whether still or running. Yet saw I naught of the kind, -but was ware of certain creatures floating far down in the depths, -which in form reminded me of frogs, and flitted about like sparks from -a mounting rocket which in the air doth work its full effect: and as -they came nearer and nearer to me they seemed to grow larger and more -like to the human form: at which at first great wonder took hold of me, -and at last, when I saw them hard by me, a great fear and trembling. -"Ah," said I then to myself in my terror and wonder, and yet so loud -that my dad, that stood beyond the lake, could hear me, though the -noise of the thunder was dreadful, "how great are the wondrous works of -the Creator! yea, even in the womb of the earth and the depths of the -waters!" And scarce had I said these words when one of these sylphs -appeared upon the waters and answered me, "Aha, and thou dost -acknowledge that before thou hast seen aught thereof: what wouldst say -if thou wert for once in the Centrum Terrae and beheldest our dwelling -which thy curiosity hath disturbed?" - -Meanwhile there rose up here and there more of such water-spirits, like -diving birds, all looking upon me and bringing up again the stones I -had cast in, which amazed me much. And the first and chiefest among -them, whose raiment shone like pure gold and silver, cast to me a -shining stone of the bigness of a pigeon's egg and green and -transparent as an emerald, with these words: "Take thou this trinket, -that thou mayst have somewhat to report of us and of our lake." But -scarce had I picked it up and pocketed it when it seemed to me the air -would choke or drown me, so that I could not stand upright but rolled -about like a ball of yarn, and at last fell into the lake. Yet no -sooner was I in the water than I recovered, and through the virtue of -the stone I had upon me could breathe in water instead of air: yea, -I could with small effort float in the lake as well as could the -water-spirits, yea, and with them descended into the depths; which -reminded me of nothing so much as of a flock of birds that so descend -in circles from the upper air to light upon the ground. - -But my dad having beheld this marvel in part (namely, so much of it as -was done above the water), made off from the lake and home again as if -his head were on fire. And there he told the whole history; but -especially how the water-spirits had brought back those stones that I -had cast into the lake, in the midst of the thunderstorm, and had laid -them where they came from, but in exchange had taken me down with them. -So some believed him but most accounted it a fable. Others conceived -that I had, like another Empedocles of Agrigentum (which cast himself -into Mount Aetna that all might think, since he was nowhere to be -found, that he was taken up to heaven), drowned myself in the lake, and -charged my father to spread such tales about me to gain for me an -immortal name: for, said they, it had long been marked by my -melancholic humour that I was half-desperate. - -Others would fain have believed, had they not known my strength of -body, that my adopted father had himself murdered me to be rid of me -(being a miserly old man) and so be master alone on my farm: so that at -this time naught else but the Mummelsee and me and my departure and my -foster-father could be talked of or discoursed on either at the spa or -in the countryside. - - - - -_Chaps. xiii.-xvi._ contain merely a farrago of nonsense conveyed in -conversations with the prince of the Mummelsee, who explains to -Simplicissimus the construction of the "earth's crust" and the nature -of sylphs, and in turn is treated by him to an account of earthly -affairs, on which he makes the usual commonplace satirical remarks (see -the Introduction). - - - - -_Chap. xvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS RETURNED FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE -EARTH, AND OF HIS STRANGE FANCIES, HIS AIRCASTLES, HIS CALCULATIONS; -AND HOW HE RECKONED WITHOUT HIS HOST - - -Meanwhile the time drew near that I should return home; therefore the -king bade me declare my wishes, whereby I understood he was minded to -do me a favour. So I said, no greater kindness could be shewn me than -to cause a real medicinal spring to rise on my farm. "And is that all?" -answered the king, "I had thought thou wouldst have taken with thee -some of these great emeralds from the American Sea and have asked to -bear them with thee back to earth. Now do I see that there is no greed -among you Christians." Therewith he handed to me a stone of strange and -glittering colours, and said, "Put this in thy pouch, and wheresoever -thou layest in on the ground, there will it begin to seek the Centre of -the Earth again, and to pass through the most fitting mineralia, till -it come back to us, and for our part we will send thee a noble mineral -spring, that shall work thee such good and profit as thou hast deserved -of us by thy declaration of the truth." So thereupon the prince of the -Mummelsee took me again under his charge, and passed with me through -the road and the lake by which we had come. And this way back seemed to -me far longer than the way thither, so that I reckoned it at three -thousand five hundred German-Swiss miles well measured; but doubtless -the cause that the time seemed so long to me was that I had no speech -of my escort, save that I learned from them they were from three to -five hundred years old and lived all this time without the least -disease. - -For the rest, I was in fancy so rich with my spring that all my wits -and all my thoughts were busied with this, to wit, where I should plant -it and how turn it to profit. And first I had my plans for the fine -buildings that I must set up that the bathing-guests might be properly -accommodated, and I for my part might gain great hire for lodgings. -Then I devised already by what bribes I could persuade the doctors to -prefer my new miraculous spa to all the others, yea, even to that of -Schwalbach, and so procure for me a crowd of rich patients: in my -fantasy I even levelled whole mountains lest they that came and went -should find the way wearisome to travel: already I hired sharp-witted -drawers, sparing cooks, careful chambermaids, watchful grooms, spruce -intendants of the baths and springs, and already I thought of a place -where in the midst of the wild mountains by my farm I might plant a -fine level pleasure-garden, and there rear all manner of rare plants, -that the bathing-guests and their wives that came from foreign parts -might walk therein, where the sick might be cheered and the sound might -be amused and exercised with all manner of sports and pastimes. Then -must the doctors, for a reward, write me a noble treatise on my spring -and set down on paper its healing qualities; and this I would have -printed with a fine plate wherein my farm should be depicted and a -ground plan thereof given; by reading which any absent patient might at -once believe and hope himself in health again. Then would I have all my -children fetched from Lippstadt, to have them taught all that was -needful to know of my new watering-place; for 'twas my intent to -scarify my guests' purses well though not their backs. With such rich -fancies and overweening castles in the air I came again into the upper -world, for this oft-mentioned prince brought me again to land from his -Mummelsee with dry clothes; and there I must forthwith cast from me the -talisman that he had at first given me when he fetched me away; else -had I either been choked in the air or must have plunged my head under -the water again, such was the effect of the said stone. Which being -done, and he having taken it to him again, we commended each other to -the protection of the most High, as men that should never meet again; -so he with his people dived under and sank into his depths; but I with -my stone which the king had given me went thence as full of joy as if I -had fetched the golden fleece home from Colchis. - -But alas! my joy, of which I vainly hoped for the everlasting -continuance, endured not long, for hardly was I gone from that lake of -wonders when I began to go astray in that rhonstrous wood, for I had -not marked from what direction my dad had brought me to the lake. Yet I -went some way on before I was aware of my mistake, ever making -calculations how I could plant that noble spring on my farm, and build -round it, and earn for myself a peaceful revenue as proprietor thereof. -In this way I unawares strayed further and further from the place -whither I desired to come and, worst of all, I found it not out till -the sun was sinking and I was helpless. For there I stood in the midst -of a wilderness like Simple Simon, without food or arms, of which I -might well have need during the night that was coming on. Yet I found -comfort in my stone that I had brought with me from the very bowels of -the earth. "Patience, patience!" said I to myself: "this will again -repay thee for all sufferings undergone. All good things take time, and -fine rewards be not won without great toil and labour: else would every -fool need but to wipe his beard to get possession at will of even such -a noble spring as thou hast in thy poke." - -And having spoken thus I got with my new resolve new strength, so that -I went forward with a bolder gait than heretofore, although night now -overtook me. The full moon indeed shone on me brightly, but the tall -fir-trees kept the light from me more than the deep sea had done that -very day; yet I made my way on, till about midnight I was ware of a -fire afar off, to which I straightway walked, and saw from a distance -that there were certain woodmen about it, resin-gatherers; and though -such folk be not at all times to be trusted yet my necessity compelled -me and my own courage urged me on to speak to them. So I came quietly -behind them and said, "Good night or good day or good morrow or good -even, gentlemen: for tell me what hour it is that I may know how to -greet ye." With that the whole six stood or sat there all a-tremble -with fear and knew not what to answer me. For I, being of great stature -and just at that time, by reason of mourning for my late wife, being in -black raiment; and in especial having a terrible cudgel in mine hand, -on which I leaned like a wild man of the woods, my figure seemed to -them dreadful. "How," says I, "will none answer me?" Yet they stayed -yet a good while in amazement, till at last one came to himself well -enough to ask, "Who be the gentleman?" By that I heard they must be of -the Swabian nation; which men esteem as simple-minded yet with little -cause: so I said I was a travelling scholar, but newly come from the -Venusberg, where I had learned a heap of wondrous arts. "Oho," quoth -the eldest woodman, "Praise God; for now do I believe that I shall live -to see peace again, because the wandering scholars are on their travels -anew!" - - - - -_Chap. xviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WASTED HIS SPRING IN THE WRONG PLACE - - -In this wise we came to converse with one another, and I found so much -courtesy among them that they invited me to sit down and offered me a -piece of black bread and thin cow's milk cheese, both of which I did -thankfully accept. At last they became so familiar with me that they -hinted I should, as a travelling scholar, tell their fortunes: and I, -knowing somewhat of physiognomies and palmistry, began to tell to one -after the other such stuff as I deemed would content them, that I might -not lose credit with them; for in spite of all I was not at my ease -among these wild woodmen. Then would they learn curious arts from me: -but I fobbed them off with promises for the next day, and desired they -would suffer me to rest a little. And having so played the gipsy for -them. I laid myself down a little apart, more to listen and to perceive -how they were minded than as having any great desire to sleep (though -my appetite thereto was not lacking); and the more I snored the more -wakeful they appeared. So they put their heads together and began to -dispute one against another who I might be: they held that I could be -no soldier because I wore black clothing, nor no townsman-blade, that -could so suddenly appear far from all men's dwellings in the Muckenloch -(for so was the wood called) at so unwonted a time. At the last they -resolved I must be a journeyman Latinist[42] that had lost his way, or, -as I myself had declared, a travelling scholar, because I could so -excellently tell fortunes. "Yea," says another, "yet he knew not all -for that reason: 'tis some wandering soldier, maybe, that hath so -disguised himself to spy out our cattle and the secret ways of the -wood. Aha! if we knew that we would so put him to sleep that he should -forget ever to wake again." But another quickly took him up, that held -the contrary and would have me to be somewhat else. Meanwhile I lay -there and pricked up my ears and thought, "If these clodhoppers set -upon me, two or three of them will need to bite the dust before they -make an end of me." But while they took counsel and I tormented myself -with fears, of a sudden I found myself lying in a pool of water. O -horrors! now was Troy lost and all my splendid plans gone to naught, -for by the smell I perceived 'twas mine own mineral spring. With that, -for very rage and despite, I fell into such a frenzy that I wellnigh -had fallen on those six peasants and fought them all. "Ye godless -rogues," says I to them, and therewith sprang up with my terrible -cudgel, "by this spring that welleth forth where I have lain ye well -may see who I am; it were small wonder if I should so trounce ye all -that the devil should fetch ye, because ye have dared to cherish such -evil thoughts in your hearts," and thereto I added looks so threatening -and terrible that all were afraid of me. Yet presently I came to myself -and perceived what folly I committed. "Nay," thought I, "'tis better to -lose the spring than one's life, and that thou canst easily forfeit if -thou attack these clowns." So I gave them fair words again, and before -they could recollect themselves: "Arise," said I, "and taste of this -noble spring which ye and all other woodmen and resin-gatherers will -henceforth be able to enjoy in this wilderness through my help." - -Now this my discourse they understood not, but looked one upon another -like live stockfish till they saw me very soberly take the first -draught out of my hat. Then one by one they arose from beside their -fire, and looked upon this miracle and tasted the water; but instead of -being grateful to me as they should have been, they began to curse and -said they would I had chanced on some other spot with my spring: for if -their lord came to know of it, then must the whole district of -Dornstett do forced-work to make a road thither, which would bring -great hardship upon them. "But," says I, "on the contrary, ye will all -have your profit therefrom: for ye can turn your fowls, your eggs, your -butter, and your cattle and the rest more easily into money." "Nay, -nay," said they, "the lord will put in an innkeeper that will take all -the profit alone: and we must be his poor fools to keep road and path -in trim for him, and earn no thanks thereby." - -But at last they disagreed: for two were for keeping the spring and -four demanded of me that I should take it away; which, had it been in -my power, I had willingly done whether it pleased them or teased them. -So as day began to break, and I had no more to do there, but must -rather take heed lest we came together by the ears, I said that unless -they were minded that all the cows in that valley should give red milk -as long as the spring flowed they must presently shew me the way to -Seebach; with which they were content, and to that end sent two of them -with me; for one had feared to go with me alone. - -So I departed thence, and though the whole land there was barren and -bore nothing but pine-cones, yet would I with a curse have made it yet -poorer, for there I had lost all my hopes; yet went I silently enough -with my guides till I came to the top of the hill, where I could a -little trace my way by the lie of the country. And there I said to -them, "Now, my masters, ye can turn your new spring to fine profit if -ye go forthwith and tell your lords of its coming up; for that will -bring ye a rich reward, seeing that the prince will surely build about -it for the glory and gain of the country, and for the promotion of his -own interest will have it made known to all the world." "Yea," said -they, "fools should we be in truth so to bind rods for our own backs; -we had rather the devil would take thee and thy spring too: thou hast -heard enough to know why we desire it not." "Ah, miscreants!" quoth I, -"should I not call ye disloyal rogues that depart so far from the ways -of your pious forefathers, which were so true to their prince that he -could boast that he might venture to lay his head upon the knees of any -of his subjects and there sleep in safety. But ye blackcaps, to 'scape -a trifling task for which ye would in time be recompensed and of which -all your posterity would reap a rich reward, ye be so dishonest as to -refuse to make known this healing spring, which were both to the profit -of your worshipful prince and also to the welfare and health of many a -sick man. What would it cost ye though each should do a few days' -forced work to that end?" "How," said they, "we would rather kill thee -that thy spring might remain unknown." "Ye night-birds," says I, "there -must be more of ye for that," and therewith heaved up my cudgel and -chased them to all the devils, and thereafter went my way down hill -westwards and southwards, and so came after much toil and tumble about -sunset to my farm, and found it true indeed what my dad had prophesied -to me, namely, that I should get naught from this pilgrimage save weary -legs and the way back for the way thither. - - - - -_Chap. xix._ is an uninteresting excursus on certain communities of -Anabaptists in Hungary. - - - - -_Chap. xx._: TREATS OF A TRIFLING PROMENADE FROM THE BLACK FOREST TO -MOSCOW IN RUSSIA - - -The same autumn there drew near to us French, Swedish, and Hessian -troops to refresh themselves among us and to keep the Free City in the -neighbourhood (which was built by an English king,[43] and called after -his name) blockaded, for which cause every man gathered together his -cattle and the best of his goods and fled into the woods among the -mountains. I too did as my neighbours did and left my house pretty well -empty, wherein a Swedish colonel on half-pay was lodged. The same found -still remaining in my cabinet certain books, for in my haste I could -not bring all away; and among others certain mathematical and -geometrical essays, and also some on fortification, wherewith our -engineers be principally busied, and therefore at once concluded that -his quarters could belong to no common peasant, and so began to inquire -of my character and to court my acquaintance, till by courteous offers -and threats intermingled he wrought me to it that I should visit him at -mine own farm, where he treated me very civilly and restrained his -people, that they should do my goods no unnecessary damage or hurt. And -by such friendly treatment he brought it about that I told him of all -my business, and in especial of my family and descent. Thereat he -wondered that I in the midst of war could so dwell among peasants, and -look on while another tied his horse to my manger, whereas I with more -honour could tie mine own horse to another's: I should, said he, gird -on the sword again and not allow my gift which God had bestowed on me -to perish by the fireside, and behind the plough; for he knew, if I -would enter the Swedish service, my capacity and my knowledge of war -would soon raise me to high rank. This I treated but coldly, and told -him advancement was ever far off if a man had no friends to take him by -the hand; whereto he replied that my good qualities would soon procure -me both friends and advancement; nay, more: he doubted not that I -should find kinsmen at the Swedish headquarters, and those of some -account, for there there were many Scottish noblemen and men of rank. -Further, said he, a regiment had been promised to him himself by -Torstensohn; which promise if it were kept (of which he doubted not) -then would he at once make me his lieutenant-colonel. With such and the -like words he made my mouth to water, and inasmuch as there were now -but scanty hopes of peace, and for me to suffer further billeting of -troops did but mean utter ruin, therefore I resolved to serve again, -and promised the colonel to go with him if only he would keep his word -and give me the post of lieutenant-colonel in the regiment he was to -have. - -And so the die was cast; and I sent for my dad or foster-father, which -was still with my cattle at Bairischbrunn;[44] and to him and his wife -I devised my farm as their own property; yet on condition that after -his death my bastard Simplicissimus that had been laid at my door -should inherit it with all appurtenances, since there were no heirs -born in wedlock. Thereafter I fetched my horse and all the gold and -trinkets I still had, and having settled all my affairs and taken order -for the education of my said by-blow of a son, on a sudden the blockade -I spoke of was raised, so that before we looked for it we must decamp -and join the main army. - -Under the colonel I served as a steward, and maintained him with his -servants and horses and all his household by theft and robbery, which -is called in soldiers' language foraging. But as to the promises of -Torstensohn, of which he had talked so big at my farm, they were not so -great by a good deal as he had given out, but as it seemed to me he was -rather looked at askance. "Aha," says he to me, "some malicious dog -hath slandered me at headquarters. Yet I shall not need to wait long": -but when he suspected that I should not endure to tarry longer with him -he forged letters as if he had to raise a fresh regiment in Livonia -where his home was, and persuaded me to embark with him at Wismar and -to sail thither. And there too we found naught, for not only had he no -regiment to raise, but was besides a nobleman as poor as a church -mouse: and what he had came from his wife. Yet though I had now been -twice deceived and had suffered myself to be enticed so far afield, yet -I took the bait the third time; for he shewed me writings he had -received from Moscow, in which, as he professed, high commands in the -army were offered him, for so he interpreted the said letters to me and -boasted loudly of good and punctual pay: and seeing that he started off -with wife and child, I thought, surely he is on no wild-goose chase. - -And so with high hopes I took the road with him, for otherwise I saw no -means or opportunity to get back to Germany. But as soon as we came -over the Russian frontier, and sundry discharged German soldiers met -us, I began to be alarmed and said to my colonel, "What the devil do we -here? We leave the country where war is, and where there is peace and -soldiers be of no account and disbanded, thither we come." Yet still he -gave me fair words and said I should leave it to him; he knew better -what he was about than these fellows that were of no account. - -But when we came in safety to the city of Moscow, I saw at once the -game was up. 'Tis true my colonel conferred daily with great men, but -far more with bishops than boyars, which seemed to me not so much grand -as far too monkish, and aroused in me all manner of fancies and -reflections, though I could not conceive what he aimed at: but in the -end he revealed to me that war was over and that his conscience urged -him on to embrace the Greek religion; and that his sincere advice to me -was, inasmuch as otherwise he could help me no more as he had promised, -to follow his example: for his Majesty the Czar had already good -accounts of my person and my great capabilities: and would be -graciously pleased, if I would agree to the conditions, to endow me as -a knight with a fine estate and many serfs; which most gracious offer -was not to be rejected, since for any man it was better to have in so -great a monarch rather a gracious lord than an offended prince. At this -I was much confounded, and knew not what to answer, for had I had the -colonel in another place I would have answered him rather by deeds than -words: but now I must play my cards otherwise, and consider the place -where I was, and where I was like to a prisoner; and therefore was -silent a long time before I could resolve upon an answer. At length I -said to him I had indeed come with the purpose to serve the Czar's -Majesty as a soldier, to which he, the colonel, had persuaded me; and -if my services in war were not needed I could not help it; far less -could I lay it to the charge of the Czar that I had for his sake -undertaken so long a journey in vain, for he had not written to me to -come. But that his Majesty condescended so graciously to dispense his -royal favour to me would be a thing for me rather to boast of before -all the world than most humbly to accept it and to earn it, since I -could not just now determine to alter my religion, and only wished I -were dwelling again in my farm in the Black Forest and so causing no -man concern or inconveniency. To which he replied, "Your honour may do -as he pleases: only I had conceived that if God and good luck favoured -him, he would do well to be thankful to both; but if he will accept no -help and refuses to live like a prince, at least I hope he will believe -that I have spared no pains to help him to the best of my ability." -Thereupon he made me a deep reverence, went his way, and left me in the -lurch, not allowing me even to give him my company to the door. - -So as I sat there all perplexed and reviewed my present condition I -heard two Russian carriages before our lodging, and looking out of the -window saw my good master colonel with his sons enter the one and his -wife with her daughters the other. Which were the Czar's carriages and -his livery, and divers priests there also which waited upon this -honourable family and shewed them all kindness and good will. - - - - -_Chap. xxi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FURTHER FARED IN MOSCOW - - -From this time I was watched, not openly indeed, but secretly, by -certain soldiers of the Strelitz guard, and that without my knowledge; -and my colonel and his family never once came in my sight, so that I -knew not what was become of him: and all this, as may easily be -thought, brought in my head strange conceits and many grey hairs also. -There I made the acquaintance of the Germans that dwell in Moscow, some -as traders, some as mechanics, and to them lamented my plight and how I -had been deceived by guile; who gave me comfort and direction how I, -with a fair opportunity, might return to Germany. But so soon as they -got wind of it that the Czar had determined to keep me in the land and -would force me to it, they all became dumb towards me, yea, avoided my -company, and 'twas hard for me even to find a shelter for my head. For -I had already devoured my horse, saddle and trappings and all, and was -now doling out one to-day and to-morrow another of the ducats which I -had wisely sewn into my clothes. At last I began to turn into money my -rings and trinkets, in the hope to keep myself so until I could find a -fair occasion to get back to Germany. Meanwhile a quarter of a year was -gone, after which the said colonel, with all his household, was -baptized again and provided with a fine nobleman's estate and many -serfs. - -At that time there went out a decree that both among natives and -foreigners no idlers should be allowed (and that with heavy penalties) -as those that took the bread out of the mouth of the workers, and all -strangers that would not work must quit the country in a month and the -town in four-and-twenty hours. With that some fifty of us joined -together with intent to make our way, with God's help, through Podolia -to Germany; yet were we not two hours gone from the town when we were -caught up by certain Russian troopers, on the pretence that his Majesty -was greatly displeased that we had impudently dared to band together in -such great numbers, and to traverse his land at pleasure without -passports, saying further that his Majesty would not be going beyond -his rights in sending us all to Siberia for our insolent conduct. On -the way back I learned how my business stood: for the commander of the -troop told me plainly, the Czar would not let me forth of the country: -and his sincere advice was that I should obey his Majesty's most -gracious will and join their religion, and (as the colonel had done) -not despise a fine estate; assuring me also that if I refused this and -would not live among them as a lord I must needs stay as a servant -against my will: nor must his Majesty be blamed that he would not allow -to depart from his country a man so skilful as the before-mentioned -colonel had reported me to be. Then did I disparage mine own worth, and -said the honourable colonel must surely have ascribed to me more arts, -virtues, and knowledge than I possessed: 'twas true indeed I had come -into the land to serve his Majesty the Czar and the worshipful Russian -people, even at the risk of my life, against their enemies: but to -change my religion, to that I could not resolve me: yet so far as I -could in any wise serve his Majesty without burdening my conscience, I -would not fail to do my utmost endeavour. - -Then was I set apart from the rest and lodged with a merchant, where I -was openly watched, yet daily provisioned from the court with rich food -and costly liquors, and also daily had visitors that talked with me and -now and again would invite me as a guest. In especial there was one to -whose charge I had without doubt been chiefly commended, a crafty man, -that entertained me daily with friendly talk; for now could I speak -Russian pretty well. So he discoursed with me oftentimes of all manner -of mechanic arts, as well as of engines of war and others, and of -fortification and artillery practice. At last, after much beating about -the bush to find out whether I would give in to his master's wishes, -when he found there was no hope of my changing even in the least point, -he begged that I would for the honour of the great Czar impart and -communicate to their nation somewhat of my science: for his Majesty -would requite my complaisance with high and royal favours. To which I -answered, my desires had ever been to that end, most dutifully to serve -the Czar, seeing that for this purpose I had come into his country, -albeit I perceived that I was kept like a prisoner. But he replied, -"Nay, nay, sir, ye be no prisoner, but his Majesty doth hold ye so dear -that he cannot resolve to part with your person." So says I, "Wherefore -then am I guarded?" "Because," he answered, "his Majesty feareth lest -any harm should happen to ye." - -So now understanding my proposals, he said the Czar was graciously -pleased to consider of digging for saltpetre in his own country and -making of powder there; but because there was no one in the land that -could deal with the matter, I should do him an acceptable service if I -would undertake the work: to that end I should be provided with men and -means enough ready to hand, and he in his own person would most -sincerely beg of me not to reject such a gracious proposal, seeing that -they were already well assured that I had a full knowledge of such -matters. To which I answered, "Sir, I say as I said before: if I can -serve his Majesty in anything, provided only he will be graciously -content to leave me undisturbed in my religion, I will not fail to do -my best." Whereat the Russian, which was one of their chief magnates, -was heartily glad and pledged me in drink deeper than ever a German. - -Next day there came from the Czar two great nobles with an interpreter -to make a final agreement with me, and presented me on behalf of the -Czar with a costly Russian robe: and a few days after I began to seek -for saltpetre and to instruct the Russians that had been assigned to me -how to separate it from the earth and refine it; and at the same time I -drew up a plan of a powder-mill, and taught others to burn charcoal, so -that in brief space we had ready a goodly amount both of musquet and -ordnance powder; for I had people enough, besides mine own servants -that were to wait on me, or, to speak more truly, to keep watch and -ward over me. - -I being thus well started, there comes to me the before-mentioned -colonel in Russian clothes and nobly escorted by many servants; without -doubt by such a show of glory to persuade me to go over to that -religion. But I knew well that the clothes came from the Czar his -wardrobe, and were but lent him to make my mouth water: for 'tis the -commonest of customs at the Russian court: and that the reader may -understand how 'tis managed, I will give him an instance of mine own -self. For once was I busied with taking order at the powder-mills -(which I caused to be built on the river outside Moscow) as to what -task one and the other of the people assigned to me should perform that -day and the next, when of a sudden there was an alarm that the Tartars, -100,000 horse strong, were but four miles away plundering the country -and advancing continually: so must I and my people needs betake -ourselves to the palace, to be equipped out of the Czar's armoury and -stables. And I for my part, in place of a cuirass, was clad in a -quilted silk breastplate that would stop any arrow, but could not keep -out any bullet: moreover boots and spurs and a princely head-dress with -a heron plume, and a sabre that would split a hair, mounted with pure -gold and studded with precious stones, were given to me, and of the -Czar's horses such an one was put between my legs as I had never seen -the like of in my life, far less ridden; so I and my horses blazed with -gold, silver, pearls and precious stones. I had a steel mace hanging by -me that shone like a mirror, and was so well made and heavy that I had -easily beaten to death any that I dealt a blow with it, so that the -Czar himself could not ride into battle better equipped: and there -followed me a white standard with a double eagle to which the people -flocked from all sides and corners, so that before two hours were over -we were forty thousand strong and after four hours nigh sixty thousand, -with whom we marched against the Tartars; and every quarter of an hour -I had my orders from the Czar; which yet were but this, that I should -this day approve myself a soldier, having given myself out for one, -that his Majesty might as such esteem and recognise me. So every moment -our troop was increased with great and small soldiers and officers; yet -in all this haste could I discover none that should command the whole -body, or array the battle. It needs not that I should tell all, for my -story is not much concerned with this encounter. I will but say this -only, that we came suddenly upon the Tartars in a valley or deep dip in -the land, encumbered with tired horses and much booty, and least of all -expecting us; whom we attacked on all sides with such fury that at the -very onset we scattered them. There at the first attack I called to my -followers in the Russian speech, "Come now, let each do as I do!" and -that they all shouted to one another, while I with a loose rein charged -at the enemy, and of the first I met, which was a Mirza or prince's -son, I cleft the head in twain, so that his brains were left hanging on -my steel mace. This heroical example did the Russians follow, so that -the Tartars might not withstand their attack, but turned to a general -flight, while I dealt like a madman, or rather like one that from -desperation seeketh death and cannot find it, for I smote down all that -came before me, Tartar and Russian alike; and they that were commanded -by the Czar to watch me followed me so hard that I had ever my back -guarded. There was the air so full of arrows as it had been swarms of -bees, of which my share was one in the arm; for I had turned back my -sleeve that so with less hindrance I might use my sword and came to -cleave and batter; and until I received the wound my heart did laugh -within me at such bloodshed; but when I saw mine own blood flow, that -laughter was turned into a mad fury. - -So when these savage foes had been put to flight, it was commanded me -by divers nobles in the name of the Czar that I should carry to their -emperor the news how the Tartars had been defeated: and at their -bidding I rode back with some hundred horsemen at my heels, with whom I -rode through the town to the Czar's palace, and was by all men received -with triumph and gratulation; but so soon as I had made my report of -the battle (albeit the Czar had already news of all that happened) I -must again doff my princely apparel, which was again stored away in the -Czar his wardrobe, though both it and the horse trappings were -bespattered and befouled all over with blood and so almost entirely -ruinated; whereas I had thought, since I had borne myself so knightly -in the encounter, the clothes should at least have been left me, -together with the horse, for a reward. But from this I could well judge -how 'twas managed with the Russian robe of state of which my colonel -made use; for 'tis all but lent finery which, like all else in Russia, -pertaineth to the Czar alone. - - - - -_Chap. xxii._: BY WHAT A SHORT AND MERRY ROAD HE CAME HOME TO HIS DAD - - -Now as long as my wound was a-healing 'tis true I was treated like a -prince; for I walked abroad at all times clad in a furred gown of cloth -of gold lined with sables, though the wound was neither mortal nor -dangerous, and in all the days of my life I have never tasted such rich -foods as then; but this was all the reward I had for my labours, save -the praise which the Czar favoured me with, and this too was spoiled -for me by the envy of certain nobles. So now, being completely sound -again, was I sent down the Volga in a ship to Astrachan, to set up a -powder-mill there as in Moscow, for 'twas not possible for the Czar to -furnish these frontier fortresses from Moscow with fresh and good -powder, which must needs be carried by water and that with great risk. -And this service I willingly undertook, for I had promises that the -Czar, after the accomplishment of such business, would send me back to -Holland, and that with a good reward in money proportionable to my -services. But alas! when we think we stand safest and most certain in -the hopes and conceits we have formed, there comes a wind unawares, and -in a wink blows away all the flimsy stuff whereon we had founded our -hopes so long. - -Yet the Governor of Astrachan treated me like the Czar himself, and in -brief space I had all on a good footing; his old ammunition which was -quite spoiled and ruined and could do no harm to any, I refounded (as a -tinker makes new tin spoons out of old ones), which was then a thing -unheard of among the Russians; by reason of which and other arts of -mine some held me to be a sorcerer, others a new saint or prophet, and -others, again, for a second Empedocles or Gorgias Leontinus. But being -hard at work and busied at night in a powder-mill outside the -fortifications, I was in thievish wise captured and carried off by a -horde of Tartars, which took me with others so far into their country -that I not only could see the herb Borametz or sheep-plant growing but -did even eat thereof: which is a most strange vegetable; for it is like -a sheep to look upon, its wool can be spun and woven like natural -sheep's wool, and its flesh is so like to mutton that even the wolves -do love to eat thereof. But they that had captivated me did barter me -away for certain wares of China to the Tartars of Nuichi, which again -presented me as a rare gift to the King of Corea, with whom they had -but then made a truce. And there was I highly valued, for there could -none be found like me in the handling of sword and rapier; and there I -taught the king how, with his piece over his shoulder and his back -turned to the target, he could yet hit the bull's-eye; in reward for -which at my humble petition he gave me my liberty again, and let me go -by way of Japonia to the Portuguese of Macao, which made but small -count of me. So I went about among them like a sheep that has strayed -from the flock, till at last in marvellous fashion. I was captured by -Turkish corsairs, and by them, after they had dragged me about with -them for a full year among strange foreign nations that do inhabit the -isles of the East Indies, sold to certain merchants of Alexandria in -Egypt. These carried me with their wares to Constantinople, and because -the Turkish emperor was just then fitting out galleys against the -Venetians and needed rowers, therefore must many Turkish merchants part -with their Christian slaves (yet for ready payment), among whom I was -one, as being a strong young fellow. And now must I learn to row; which -heavy task nevertheless endured not more than two months: for our -galley was in the Levant right valiantly overcome by the Venetians, and -I with all my companions freed from the power of the Turks: and the -said galley being brought to Venice with rich booty and divers Turkish -prisoners of high degree, I was set at liberty, as wishing to go to -Rome and on pilgrimage to Loretto, to view those places and to thank -God for my deliverance. To which end I easily obtained a passport, and -moreover from several honourable persons, especially Germans, -reasonable help in money, so that now I could provide me with a -pilgrim's staff and enter on my journey. - -So I betook me by the nearest way to Rome, where I fared right well, -for both from great and small I got me much alms; and tarrying there -nigh six weeks, I took my way with other pilgrims, of whom some -Germans, and especially certain Switzers, to Loretto: from whence I -came over the Saint Gotthard Pass back through Switzerland to my dad, -which had kept my farm for me; and nothing remarkable did I bring home -save a beard which I had grown in foreign parts. - -Now had I been absent three years and some months, during which time I -had fared over the most distant seas and seen all manner of peoples, -but had commonly received from them more evil than good; of which a -whole book might be writ. And in the meanwhile the Westphalian treaty -had been concluded, so that I could now live with my dad in peace and -quiet: and him I left to manage and to keep house, but for myself I sat -down to my books, which were now both my work and my delight. - - - - -_Chap. xxiii._: IS VERY SHORT AND CONCERNETH SIMPLICISSIMUS ALONE - - -Once did I read how the oracle of Apollo gave as answer to the Roman -deputies, when they asked what they must do to rule their subjects in -peace, this only, "Nosce teipsum," which signifieth, "Let each man know -himself." This caused me to reflect upon the past and demand of myself -an account of the life I had led, for I had naught else to do. So said -I to myself: "Thy life hath been no life but a death, thy days a -toilsome shadow, thy years a troublous dream, thy pleasures grievous -sins, thy youth a fantasy, and thy happiness an alchemist's treasure -that is gone by the chimney and vanished ere thou canst perceive it. -Through many dangers thou hast followed the wars, and in the same -encountered much good and ill luck: hast been now high, now low: now -great, now small: now rich, now poor: now merry, now sorry: now loved, -now hated: now honoured, now despised: but now, poor soul, what hast -thou gained from thy long pilgrimage? This hast thou gained: I am poor -in goods, my heart is burdened with cares, for all good purposes I am -idle, lazy, and spoilt; and, worst of all, my conscience is heavy and -vexed: but thou, my soul, art overwhelmed with sin and grievously -defiled; the body is weary, the understanding bemused; thine innocence -is gone, the best years of youth are past, the precious time lost: -naught is there that gives me pleasure, and withal I am an enemy to -myself. But when I came, after my sainted father's death, into the -great world, then was I simple-minded and pure, upright and honest, -truthful, humble, modest, temperate, chaste, shame-faced, pious and -religious, but soon became malicious, false, treacherous, proud, -restless, and above all altogether godless, all which vices I did learn -without a teacher. Mine honour have I guarded not for its own sake, but -for mine own exaltation. I took note of time not to employ it well for -mine own soul's welfare, but for the profit of my body. My life have I -often put in jeopardy, and yet I have never busied myself to better it -that I might die blest and comforted; for I looked only to the present -and to my temporal profit, and never once thought on the future, much -less remembered that I must some time give an account before the face -of God Almighty." - -With such thoughts I tormented myself daily; and just then there came -into my hands certain writings of the Franciscan friar Quevara, of -which I must here set down some; for they were of such power as fully -to disgust me with the world. - - - - -_Chap. xxiv._: WHY AND IN WHAT FASHION SIMPLICISSIMUS LEFT THE WORLD -AGAIN - -The first part of the chapter is a fair translation, extending to many -pages, of Quevara's somewhat trite reflections on the vanity of a -worldly life. It is taken from Albertini's translation of a book called -"Of the burden and annoyance of a courtier's life." 8vo. Amberg, 1599. -The only part of the chapter which concerns the story is as follows. - -All these words I pondered carefully and with continual thought, and -they so pierced my heart that I left the world again and became a -hermit. Fain would I have dwelt by my spring in the Muckenloch, but the -peasants that dwelt near would not suffer it, though it had been for me -a wilderness to my taste; for they feared I should reveal the spring -and so move their lord to force them to make highways and byways -thither, especially now that peace was secured. So I betook myself to -another wilderness and began again my old life in the Spessart; but -whether I shall, like my father of blessed memory, persevere therein to -the end, I know not. God grant us all His grace that we may all alike -obtain from Him what doth concern us most, namely, a happy - - END - - - - - APPENDICES - - - - -APPENDIX A - - -The success of "Simplicissimus" induced Grimmelshausen to publish a -"Continuatio" or sequel, which certainly does not seem to have been -contemplated when he wrote the last chapter of the original work. It, -as well as three lesser "continuations" which were published later, is -entirely unworthy of the author, though all four seem to be genuine -products of his pen. It is a string of allegories, ghost stories, -fables, and monotonous chronicles of adventure, not redeemed from -dulness by occasional gross filth. For one reason only it deserves our -attention; viz., the curious anticipation of the story of Robinson -Crusoe which is contained in chapters xix. to xxii. A subjoined -"relation" of Jean Cornelissen of Harlem gives an account of his -finding Simplicissimus and leaving him on his island well provided with -necessaries: but this narrative is so overloaded with childish stories -of the castaway's miraculous powers and performances that an abstract -of it only is here given at the end. - -From the middle of chapter xix. to the end of chapter xxiii. is fully -translated. - - - -CONTINUATION - - -_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS AND A CARPENTER ESCAPED FROM A -SHIPWRECK WITH THEIR LIVES AND WERE THEREAFTER PROVIDED WITH A LAND OF -THEIR OWN - - -So taking ship and coming from the Sinus Arabicus or Red Sea into the -ocean, and having a fair wind, we held our course to pass by the Cape -of Good Hope, and sailed for some weeks so happily that way that we -could have desired no other weather: but when we deemed that we were -now over against the isle of Madagascar there suddenly arose such a -hurricane that we had scarce time to take in sail. And the storm -increasing, we must needs cut down the mast and leave the ship to the -mercy of the waves, which carried us up, as it were, to the clouds, and -in a trice plunged us down again to the depths; all which lasted a full -half-hour and taught us all to pray most piously. At length were we -cast upon a sunken reef with such force that the ship with a terrible -crack broke all in pieces, at which there arose a lamentable and -piteous outcry. Then was the sea in a moment strown with chests, bales, -and fragments of the ship, and then one could hear and see the unlucky -folk, here and there, some on and some under the waves, clinging to -anything that in such need came first within their grasp, and with -dismal cries lamenting their ruin and commending of their souls to God. -But I, with the ship's carpenter, lay upon a great timber of the vessel -which had certain cross-pieces yet fast to it, to which we clung and -spake to one another. And little by little the dreadful wind abated; -the raging waves of the angry sea grew calmer and less; yet on the -other hand there followed pitch-dark night with terrible rain, till it -seemed as if we should be drowned from above in the midst of the sea. -And this endured till midnight, by which time we had been in sore -straits; but then was the sky clear again, so that we could see the -stars, by which we perceived that the wind drove us more and more from -the coast of Africa towards the open sea and the unknown land of -Australia, which troubled us both greatly. Now towards daybreak it grew -dark again, so that we could not see each other though we lay close at -hand: and in this darkness and piteous plight we drove ever onward, -till of a sudden we were aware that we were aground and stuck fast. So -the carpenter, which had an axe hanging to his girdle, tried with it -the depth of the water and found it on the one side of us not a foot -deep, which heartily rejoiced us and gave us sure hope that God had in -some way helped us to land, as we perceived by a sweet odour that we -smelt as soon as we came to ourselves a little. Yet because 'twas dark -and we both wearied out, and in especial looked presently for daylight, -we had not courage enough to commit ourselves to the sea and make for -land, notwithstanding we already thought to hear at a distance the song -of divers birds, which indeed was so. But as soon as the blessed -daylight shewed itself in the east, we saw through the dusk a small -island overgrown with bushes lying close before us; whereupon we betook -ourselves to the water on that side, which grew shallower and shallower -till at length, with great joy, we came to dry land. So there we fell -on our knees and kissed the ground, and thanked God above for His -fatherly care in bringing of us to land; and in such fashion did I come -to my island. As yet could we not know whether we were in an inhabited -or an uninhabited land and whether on the mainland or an island: but -this we marked at once, that it must be a right fertile soil; for all -was overgrown thick with shrubs and trees like a hemp-field, so that we -could hardly come through it. But when it was now broad day, and we had -made our way through the shrubs some quarter of an hour's march from -the shore, we could not only find no trace of human dwelling, but -moreover lighted here and there upon many strange birds that had no -fear of us, but suffered us to take them with our hands, from all which -we might judge we were on an uninhabited island, yet most fruitful. -There did we find citrons, pomegranates, and cocoanuts, with which -fruits we refreshed ourselves right well; and when the sun rose we came -to a plain covered with palm-trees, from which palm wine is made; the -which was but too pleasing to my comrade, who loved the same more than -was good for him. So there we set ourselves down in the sun to dry our -clothes, which we stripped off and to that end hung them on the trees, -but for our own parts walked about in our shirts: and my carpenter -cutting a palm-tree with his axe, found it was full of wine: yet had we -no vessel to catch it in, and for our hats, we had lost them both in -the shipwreck. - -So the kindly sun having dried our clothes again, we put them on and -climbed up the high, rocky mountain that lieth on the right hand -towards the north between this plain and the sea, and looking about us -found that we were on no mainland but on this island, which in circuit -exceeded not an hour and a half's journey. And because we could see -neither near nor far off any land but only sea and sky, we were both -troubled, and lost all hope ever to see mankind again; yet contrariwise -it did comfort us that the goodness of God had brought us to this land -both safe and most fruitful, and not to a place that belike would prove -barren or inhabited of man-eaters. So we began to consider of our way -to act; and because we must live even as prisoners on this island with -one another we did swear perpetual fidelity each to each. - -Now on the said mountain there not only sat and flew many birds of -divers kinds, but it was so full of nests with eggs that we could not -sufficiently marvel thereat. Of these eggs we did eat some and took -still more with us down the hill, on which we found the spring of sweet -water which flows into the sea towards the east with such force that it -might well turn a small mill-wheel; at which we rejoiced anew and -resolved to set up our abode beside the said spring. Yet for our new -housekeeping we had no other furniture but an axe, a spoon, three -knives, a prong or fork, and a pair of scissors: and nothing more. 'Tis -true my comrade had some thirty ducats about him, but these we had -gladly bartered for a tinder-box had we known where to buy one: for -they were of no use to us at all; yea, less than my powder-horn, which -was still full of priming; this did I dry, for it was all like a -soft cake, in the sun, scattered some upon a stone, covered it with -easy-burning stuff such as the moss and cotton which the cocoanut-trees -furnished in plenty, and then drawing a knife sharply through the -powder, kindled it, which rejoiced us as much as our rescue from the -sea: and had we but had salt and bread and vessels to hold our drink -we had esteemed ourselves the luckiest fellows in the world, though -four-and-twenty hours before we might have been counted among the most -miserable; so good and faithful and merciful is God, to whom be glory -for ever and ever, Amen. - -Then we caught some birds forthwith, of which whole flocks flew about -us, plucked, washed, and stuck them on a wooden spit, and so I began to -turn the roast, while my comrade fetched me wood and prepared a shelter -that, if it should come on to rain again, might protect us from the -same, for these Indian rains in the parts towards Africa are wont to be -very unhealthy; but our lack of salt we supplied with lemon-juice to -give a flavour to our food. - - - - -_Chap. xx._: HOW THEY HIRED A FAIR COOKMAID AND BY GOD'S HELP WERE RID -OF HER AGAIN - - -This was the first meal of which we partook upon our island; and having -ended it, we had naught else to do but gather dry wood to keep up our -fire. We would fain have explored the whole island at once, but by -reason of the fatigue we had passed through, sleep so overpowered us -that we must needs lie down to rest and sleep till broad daylight. And -finding it so, we walked down the brook or glade as far as its mouth -where it flows into the sea, and saw with amazement how a great -multitude of fish of the size of middling salmon or large carp swam up -the little river into the fresh water, so that it seemed as a great -herd of swine were driven violently in; and finding also certain -bananas and sweet potatoes, which be excellent fruits, we said to each -other we had surely found the Land of Cocaigne or Monkeys' Paradise, -(though no four-footed beast there) if we had but company to help us to -enjoy both the fruitfulness of this noble island and also the plenty of -birds and fishes on it: yet could we find no single sign that ever men -had been there. - -But as we began to take counsel how we should further order our -housekeeping and whence we might have vessels wherein both to cook and -to catch the juice from the palms and let it ferment in its own -fashion, that we might have the full enjoyment of it, and as we walked -on the shore in talk of this, we saw far out at sea something that -tossed about, which we at a distance could not make out, though it -seemed bigger than it really was. For when it came near and was driven -ashore on the coast of the island it proved to be a woman, half-dead, -lying on a chest, and with both hands fast clasped to the handles of -it. Her for Christian charity we drew to dry land; and dreaming her to -be a Christian woman of Abyssinia both by her clothing and certain -marks she had on her face, we were the more busy to bring her to, to -which end (yet with all honesty, as becomes them that deal with modest -women in such a case) we set her on her head till a good deal of water -had run out of her, and albeit we had no cordial to revive her more -than our citron-juice, yet we ceased not to press under her nose that -spirituous liquor which is found at the very end of the lemon-peel and -to shake and move her about, till at last she began to stir of herself -and to speak in Portuguese: which as soon as my comrade heard, and as a -lively colour began to shew itself in her face, he said to me, "This -Abyssinian was once on our ship as maid to a Portuguese lady of -quality; for I knew them both well: they dwelt at Macao and were -purposed to sail with us to the Isle of Annabon." And she, so soon as -she heard him speak, shewed herself right glad, and called him by name, -and told us not only of her whole journey, but how she was rejoiced -both that he and she were still alive, as also that they had as old -acquaintances met on dry land and out of all danger. At that my -carpenter asked what manner of wares might be in the chest. To which -she answered they were certain parcels of Chinese apparel with firearms -and weapons, besides divers vessels of porcelain both small and great, -that should have been sent by her master to a great prince in Portugal. -At which news we rejoiced greatly, seeing that these were the things -which we most needed. Then did she beg of us that we would shew her -kindness and keep her with us: for she would gladly serve us in -cooking, washing, and other duties of a maid and obey us as a slave, if -we would but keep her under our protection and suffer her to partake -with us of the sustenance which fortune and nature provided in that -place. - -So with great toil and trouble we dragged the chest to that place which -we had chosen for our dwelling; where we did open it, and found therein -things so fitted to our needs that we could have desired nothing better -for our then condition and for the use of our household. These goods we -unpacked and dried them in the sun, in which business our new maid -shewed herself diligent and serviceable; and thereafter we began to -slay, boil, and roast birds, and while my carpenter went to fetch -palm-wine I climbed up the mountain to gather eggs for us, meaning to -boil them hard and to use them in place of good bread. And as I went I -considered with hearty gratitude the great gifts and goodness of God, -that had with such fatherly kindness caused His Providence to watch -over us and gave us the promise of further help. There did I fall upon -my face, and stretching out my arms and lifting up my heart to God I -prayed thus: "O heavenly Father of all mercies, now do I find indeed -that Thou art more ready to give than we to ask; yea, dearest Lord, -Thou hast with the fulness of Thy divine riches supplied us more -quickly and more plentifully than we poor creatures ever thought to ask -of Thee at all. O faithful Father, may it please Thy infinite -compassion to grant to us that we may never use these Thy gifts and -favours otherwise than as is agreeable to thy Holy will and pleasure, -and as may tend to the honour of Thy great and unspeakable Name, that -we, with all the Elect, may ever praise, honour, and glorify Thee here -on earth and hereafter in heaven for ever and for evermore." And with -these and the like words, which flowed from the very depth of my soul, -with hearty and true faith, I went on till I had gathered all the eggs -we needed, and with them came back to our hut even as our supper stood -excellently well served upon the chest we had that day fished out of -the sea with our cook-maid, and which my comrade had made use of for a -table. - -Now while I was absent seeking for eggs, my comrade, which was a lad of -some twenty odd years, I being now over forty, had struck a bargain -with our maid that should be both for his ruin and mine; for finding -themselves alone in my absence, and talking together of old times and -also of the fruitfulness and great delight of this blessed, yea more -than fortunate isle, they had grown so familiar that they had begun to -speak of a match between them, of which the pretended Abyssinian would -not hear, unless 'twere agreed that my comrade the carpenter should -make himself master of the island and rid them of me; for, said she, it -were impossible for them to dwell in peace in wedlock so long as an -unmarried man lived by them. - -"For bethink thyself," says she, "how would not suspicion and jealousy -plague thee, if thou wert my husband, and yet the old fellow talking -with me day by day, even if he should never think to make a cuckold of -thee! Nay, but I know a better plan: if I be to be married on this -island, that well can feed a thousand or more persons to increase the -human race, then let the old fellow marry me; for were it so 'twere but -a year to count on, or perhaps twelve or at most fourteen, in which -time he and I might breed a daughter and marry her to thee, who would -not then be of the age that the old man is now; and in the meantime ye -might cherish the certain hope that the one should be the other's -father-in-law and the other his son-in-law, and so do away all evil -suspicions and deliver me from all dangers which otherwise I might -encounter with. Doubtless 'tis true that a young woman like me would -sooner wed with a young man than an old: yet must we suit ourselves to -the circumstance as our present plight doth require, to provide that I -and she that may be born of me shall be in safety." - -By this discourse, which lasted much longer and was more fully set -forth than I have here described, and also by the beauty of the -pretended Abyssinian (which in the light of the fire did shine more -perfect than ever in my comrade's eyes) and by her lively actions, my -good carpenter was so captivated and befooled that he was not ashamed -to say he would sooner throw the old man (meaning me) into the sea and -send the whole island to the devil than deliver over to him so fair a -lady: and thereupon was the bargain I spoke of concluded between them, -namely, that he should slay me with his axe from behind or in my sleep; -for he was afeared of my great strength of body, as well as of my -staff, which he had himself fashioned for me as strong as a weaver's -beam.[45] - -So this compact being made, she shewed my comrade close to our dwelling -a kind of fine potter's earth, of which she promised to make fine -earthen vessels after the manner of the Indian women on the Guinea -coast, and laid all manner of plans how she would maintain herself -and her family on this island, rear them and provide for them a -peaceful and sufficient livelihood, yea even to the hundredth -generation: and could not boast enough of what profit she could make of -the cocoanut-trees and the cotton which the same do bear or produce, -out of which she would provide herself and all her children's children -with clothing. - -But I, poor wretch, came knowing no word of this foul business, and sat -down to enjoy what was yet before me, saying moreover, according to the -worshipful Christian usage, the Benedicite; yet no sooner had I made -the sign of the Cross over the meats and over my companions at table -and asked God's blessing, when our cookmaid vanished away with the -chest and all that had been in it, and left behind her such an horrible -stench that my comrade fainted clean away because of it. - - - - -_Chap. xxi._: HOW THEY THEREAFTER KEPT HOUSE TOGETHER AND HOW THEY SET -TO WORK - - -Now as soon as he was recovered and come to his senses, he knelt down -before me and folded his hands, and for a full quarter of an hour -continually said nothing but "Oh, my father! O my brother! O my father! -O my brother!" and then began with the repeating of these words to weep -so bitterly that for very sobbing he could utter no word that could be -understood, until I conceived that by reason of the fear and the stench -he had lost his reason. But when he would not cease this behaviour and -continually besought my forgiveness, I answered him, "Dear friend, what -have I to forgive thee that hast never harmed me in thy life? Do but -tell me how I can help thee." "Nay," says he, "I seek for pardon; for I -have sinned against God and thee and myself": and therewith began again -his former lamentations, and went on so long that at last I said I knew -no evil of him, and if he had done any such that weighed upon his -conscience, I would not only from my heart forgive and condone anything -that concerned myself, but also, so far as he might have sinned against -God, would with him beseech the divine mercy for pardon. At which words -he embraced my knees and kissed them, and looked upon me so sorrowfully -that I was as one dumb, and could not conceive or guess what ailed the -lad; but when I had taken him to my arms and embraced him, begging him -to tell me what troubled him and how I could help him, he confessed to -me in every particular his discourse with the pretended Abyssinian, and -the resolve he had formed in respect of me in despite of God and of -Nature and of Christian love and of the laws of true friendship which -we had solemnly sworn one to another: and this he did with such words -and behaviour that from it his sincere repentance and contrite heart -might easily be guessed and presumed. - -So I comforted him as well as I could, and said: God had peradventure -sent us this as a warning, that we might in time to come be better -aware of the devil's snares and temptations and live in the constant -fear of God: that he had of a surety cause enough to pray God heartily -for forgiveness for his evil intent, yet even greater cause to thank -Him for His goodness and mercy, seeing that He had in such fatherly -wise plucked him forth from wicked Satan's traps and snares and so -saved him from destruction now and eternally: and that we must perforce -here walk more circumspectly than if we dwelt in the midst of the world -among other men; for should one or the other or both fall into -temptation, there would be none at hand to help us but God Himself, -whom we must therefore the more diligently keep before our eyes and -without ceasing pray for His help and assistance. - -By talk of such things he was, 'tis true, somewhat cheered, yet would -not be altogether content, but humbly besought me to lay upon him a -penance for his sin. So to raise up his prostrate spirit as far as -might be, I said that he being a carpenter, and having yet his axe by -him, should in the same place where we, as well as our hellish -cookmaid, had come to land, set up a cross on the shore; whereby he -would not only perform a penance well pleasing to God, but also bring -it to pass that in time to come the evil spirit, who doth ever fear the -sign of Holy Cross, would not again so easily attack our island. He -answered, "Not only a cross on the shore but two also on the mountain -will I make ready and set up, if only, my father, I may again possess -thy grace and favour and be assured of God's forgiveness." In which -fervour he went away straightway and ceased not to toil till he had -made ready three crosses, whereof we set up one on the sea-shore and -the other two apart on the highest top of the hill, with the -inscription that followeth: - -"To the honour of God Almighty and in despite of the enemy of mankind, -Simon Meron, of Lisbon in Portugal, with counsel and help of his -faithful friend Simplicius Simplicissimus, a High German, did fashion -and here set up this token of our Saviour's sufferings, for Jesus -Christ His sake." - -Thenceforward we began to live somewhat more religiously than before; -and in order to our reverencing and keeping of the Sabbath, I every -day, in place of an almanack, cut a notch in a post and on Sundays a -cross; and then would we sit together and talk of holy and godly -things; and this fashion must I use because I had not yet invented -anything to serve me in the stead of ink and paper, by means of which I -might set down somewhat in writing to keep count of our life. - -And now to end this chapter I must make mention of a strange adventure -that did greatly terrify and distress us on the evening after our cook -her vanishing; for the first night we perceived it not, because sleep -overpowered us at once by reason of fatigue and great weariness. And -this was it. We having still before our eyes the thousand snares by -which the accursed devil would have wrought our ruin in the form of the -Abyssinian, could not sleep, but passed the time in watching, and -indeed for the most part in prayer; and so soon as it became a little -dark we saw floating around us in the air an innumerable quantity of -lights, which gave forth such a bright glow that we could discern the -fruit on the trees from the leaves: this we deemed to be another -invention of the enemy to torment us, and therefore kept still and -quiet, but in the end found 'twas but a kind of firefly or glow-worm, -as we call them in Germany, which are generated by a particular kind of -rotten wood that is found in this island, and shine so bright that one -can well use them in place of a lighted candle; for I have written this -book for the most part thus: and if they were as common in Europe, -Asia, and Africa as they be here, the candle-sellers would do a poor -trade. - - - - -_Chap. xxii._: FURTHER SEQUEL OF THE ABOVE STORY, AND HOW SIMON MERON -LEFT THE ISLAND AND THIS LIFE, AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS REMAINED THE SOLE -LORD OF THE ISLAND - - -And now seeing we must perforce remain where we were, we began to order -our housekeeping accordingly. So my comrade made out of a black wood -that is almost like to iron mattocks and shovels for us both, with the -help of which we first dug holes for the three crosses before -mentioned, and secondly drew the sea-water into trenches, where, as I -had seen at Alexandria in Egypt, it turned into salt; and thirdly we -began to make us a cheerful garden; for we deemed that idleness would -be for us the beginning of destruction; fourthly, we dug another -channel for the brook, into which we could at pleasure turn it off, and -so leave the old river-bed dry, and take out as many fish and crayfish -as we would with hands and feet dry: fifthly, we found near the said -brook a most beautiful potter's clay; and though we had neither lathe -nor wheel and, most of all, no borer or other instruments so as to make -anything of the kind and so mould for ourselves vessels, and though we -had never learned the craft, yet we devised a plan by which we got what -we wanted; for having kneaded and prepared the clay as it should be, we -made rolls of it of the thickness and length of English tobacco-pipes, -and these we stuck one upon another like a snail's shell and formed out -of such whatever vessels we would, both great and small, pots and -dishes, for cooking and drinking: and when our first baking of these -prospered, we had no longer reason to complain of lack of anything; -'tis true we had no bread; but yet plenty of dried fish which we used -in its stead. And in time our scheme for getting salt turned out well, -so that now we had nothing to complain of but lived like the folk in -the golden age of the world: and little by little we learned how with -eggs, dried fish, and lemon peel, which two last we ground to a soft -meal between two stones, and birds' fat, which we got from the birds -called boobies and noddies, to bake savoury cakes in place of bread: -likewise did my comrade devise how to draw off the palm-wine very -cleverly into great pots and let it stand for a few days till it -fermented; and then would he drink of it till he reeled, and this at -last he came to do every day, and God knoweth how I dissuaded him -therefrom. For he said if 'twas allowed to stand longer 'twould turn to -vinegar; in which there was some truth; yet I answered him, he should -not at one time draw so much but only enough for our needs; to which he -replied that 'twas a sin to despise the gifts of God, and that the -palm-trees must have a vein opened at proper times lest they should be -choked with their own blood: and so must I give a loose rein to his -appetites unless I would be told that I grudged him that of which we -had plenty. - -And so, as I have said, we lived like the first men in the golden age, -when a bountiful heaven produced for them all good things from the -earth without labour on their part; but even as in this world there is -no life so sweet and happy that is not at times made bitter by the gall -of suffering, so happened it with us: for the richer we grew daily in -larder and cellar, the more threadbare did our clothes from day to day -become, till at last they rotted on our bodies. And 'twas well for us -indeed that we thus far had had no winter; no, not the slightest -cold; although by this time, when we began to go naked, we had by my -notch-calendar spent more than a year and a half on the island, but all -the year round 'twas such weather as is wont to be in Europe in May and -June, save that about August and a little before it used to rain mighty -hard and there were great thunderstorms: moreover from one solstice to -another the days did not vary in length more than an hour and a -quarter. But although we were alone upon the island, yet would we not -go naked like brute beasts, but clothed as became honest Christians of -Europe: and had we but had four-footed beasts it had been easy to help -ourselves by using their hides for clothing; for lack of which we -skinned the birds we took, such as boobies and penguins, and made -clothes of this; yet because for want of the needful tools and other -material for the purpose we could not dress them so as to last, they -became stiff and uneasy and fell away in pieces from our bodies before -we were ware of it. 'Tis true the cocoanut-trees bore cotton enough for -us, yet could we neither weave nor spin: but my comrade, that had been -some years in India, shewed me on the leaves at the very tip a thing -like a sharp thorn; which if it be broken off and drawn along the stem -of the leaf, as we do with the bean-pods called Faseoli to strip them -of their rind, there will remain hanging on the said pointed thorn a -string as long as the stem or the leaf is, so that one can use the same -for needle and thread too; and this provided me with opportunity to -make for us breeches of those leaves and sew them together with the -threads of their own growing. - -But while we thus lived together, and had so improved our condition -that we had no longer any cause to trouble for overwork, waste, want, -or calamity, my comrade went on daily tippling at his palm-wine as he -had begun, and now had made a habit of it, till at last he so inflamed -his lungs and liver that, before I was rightly ware of it, he by his -untimely death left me and the island and palm-wine and all. Him did I -bury as well as I was able; and as I pondered upon the uncertainty of -human life and other the like matters, I wrote for him this epitaph -that followeth: - - "That I am buried here and not in ocean deep. - Nor in the flames of hell (from which may God us keep!) - The cause was this: three things did for my soul contend: - The first the raging sea: the next the infernal fiend. - These two did I escape by God His help and grace: - The third was wine of palms, which brought me to this place." - -So I became lord of the whole island and began again a hermit's life, -for which I had now not only opportunity more than enough but also a -fixed desire and purpose thereto. 'Tis true I made all use of the good -things and gifts of this place, with hearty thanks to God, whose -goodness and might alone had so richly provided for me, but withal I -was careful not to misuse this superfluity. And often did I wish that I -had Christian men with me that elsewhere must suffer poverty and need, -to profit with me by the gifts that God had given: but because I knew -that for His Almighty power 'twas more than possible, if it were but -His divine will, to bring thither more folk in easier and more -miraculous fashion than I had been brought, it often gave me cause -humbly to thank Him for His divine Providence in that He had in such -fatherly wise cared for me more than many thousands of other men, and -set me in a place so full of content and peace. - - - - -_Chap. xxiii._: IN WHICH THE HERMIT CONCLUDES HIS STORY AND THEREWITH -ENDS THESE HIS SIX BOOKS - - -Now had my comrade hardly been a week dead when I marked that my abode -was haunted. "Yea, yea," I thought, "Simplicissimus, thou art now -alone, and so 'twas to be expected that the evil one should endeavour -to torment thee. Didst not look that that malicious spirit would make -thy life hard for thee? Yet why take count of him, when thou hast God -to thy friend? Thou needest but somewhat wherein to exercise thyself; -else wilt thou come to thy ruin from mere idleness and superfluity; for -besides him thou hast no enemy but thine own self and the plenty and -pleasaunce of this island; therefore make thy resolve to strive against -him who in his own conceit is the strongest of all. For be he overcome -by God his help, then shouldst thou, if God will, by His grace remain -master of thyself." - -And with these thoughts I went my way for a day or two, and they made -of me a better and a piouser man; for I did prepare myself for that -encounter which without doubt I must endure with the evil spirit; yet -herein did I for this time deceive myself; for as on a certain evening -I perceived a somewhat that could be heard, I went out of my hut, which -stood close beneath a spur of that mountain, beneath which was the -spring of that sweet water that floweth through the island into the -sea; and there saw I my comrade that scrabbled with his fingers in a -cleft of the rock. Then may ye easily understand that I was afeared; -yet quickly I plucked up heart and commended myself to God's protection -with the sign of Holy Cross, and thought, "this thing must be; 'twere -better to-day than to-morrow." - -With that I went up to the spirit and used to him such words as be -customary in such a case. And then forthwith I understood that 'twas my -deceased comrade, which in his lifetime had there concealed his ducats, -as thinking that if, sooner or later, a ship should come to the island, -he would recover them and take them away with him; yea, and he gave me -to know that he had trusted more in this handful of money, whereby he -hoped again to come to his home, than on God; for which cause he must -now do penance by such unrest after his death, and moreover against his -will be a cause of uneasiness to myself. So at his desire I took forth -the money, yet held it as less than naught, as will the sooner be -believed because I had nothing on which to employ it. And this was now -the first affright that I had after I was left alone; yet afterwards -was plagued by spirits of other sorts than this one; whereof I will say -no more, but this only, that by God's help and grace I attained to -this, that I found no single enemy more, save only mine own thoughts, -which were oft troubled enough; for these go not scot-free before God, -as men do vainly talk, but in His good time a reckoning must be paid -for these also. - -So that these might the less stain my soul with sins, I busied myself -not only in the avoiding of that which profited naught, but did impose -on myself a bodily task the which to perform with my customary prayer; -for as man is born for work like the bird for flying, so on the other -hand doth idleness inflict her sicknesses both on soul and body, and in -the end, when we be least ware of it, eternal ruin. For this cause I -planted me a garden, of which indeed I had less need than the waggon -hath of a fifth wheel, seeing that the whole island might well be -called one lovely pleasure-garden; so was my work of no other avail but -that I brought this and that into completer order, albeit to many the -natural disorder of the plants as they grew mingled together might -appear more pleasing, and again that, as aforesaid, I shunned idleness. -O how oft did I wish, when I had wearied out my body and must give it -rest, that I had godly books wherein to comfort, to delight, and to -edify myself! But such I could not come by. Yet as I had once read of a -holy man that he said the whole wide world was to him one great book; -wherein to recognise the wondrous works of God and to be cheered to -praise Him, so I thought to follow him therein, howbeit I was, so to -speak, no longer in the world. For that little island must be my whole -world, and in the same, every thing, yea, every tree, an incitement to -godliness and a reminder of such thoughts as a good Christian should -have. Thus, did I see a prickly plant, forthwith I thought on Christ -his crown of thorns; saw I an apple or a pomegranate, then I reflected -on the fall of our first parents and mourned therefore; when I did draw -palm-wine from a tree, I fancied to myself how mercifully my Redeemer -had shed His blood for me on the tree of the Holy Cross; when I looked -on sea or on mountain, then I remembered this or that miracle which our -Saviour had wrought in such places; and when I found one or more stones -that were convenient for casting, I had before mine eyes the picture of -the Jews that would have stoned Christ; and when I walked in my garden -I thought on the prayer of agony in Mount Olivet, or on the grave of -Christ, and how after His Resurrection He appeared to Mary Magdalene in -the garden. Such thoughts were my daily occupation; never did I eat but -that I thought on the Last Supper, and never cooked my food without the -fire reminding me of the eternal pains of hell. - -At last I found that with Brazil-juice, of which there be several sorts -on this island, when mixed with lemon-juice, 'twas easy to write on a -kind of large palm-leaves; which rejoiced me greatly; for now could I -devise and write out prayers in order; yea, in the end, considering -with hearty repentance my whole life and my knavish tricks that I had -committed from my youth up, and how the merciful God, despite all such -gross sins, had not only thus far preserved me from everlasting -damnation, but had given me time and opportunity to better myself and -to be converted, to beg His forgiveness and to thank Him for His -mercies, I did write down all that had befallen me in this book made of -the afore-mentioned palm-leaves, and laid them together with my -comrade's ducats in this place, to the end that if at any time folk -should come hither, they might find such, and therefrom learn who it -was that before inhabited this island. And whoso shall find this and -read it, be it to-day or to-morrow, either before or after my death, -him I beg that if he meet therein with words which be not becoming, for -one that would do better, to speak, much less to write, he will not be -angered thereat, but will consider that the telling of light actions -and stories demands words fitting thereto; and even as the houseleek -cannot easily be soaked by any rain, that so a true and devout spirit -cannot forthwith be infected, poisoned, and corrupted by any discourse, -though it seem as wanton as you will. The honourably minded Christian -reader will rather wonder, and praise the divine mercy, when he shall -find that so knavish a companion as I have been yet hath had such grace -of God as to resign the world and to live in such a condition that -therein he hopeth to come to eternal glory and to attain to everlasting -blessedness by the sufferings of his Redeemer, through a pious - - END - - - - -APPENDIX B - - -Attached to chap. xxiii. is the "Relation of Jean Cornelissen of -Harlem, a Dutch sea-captain, to his good friend German Schleifheim von -Sulsfort concerning Simplicissimus." - -Its contents are as follows: - -On a voyage from the Moluccas to the Cape of Good Hope Cornelissen is -separated by stress of weather from the fleet with which he had sailed. -Having many of his crew sick, and no fresh water, he is delighted to -discover Simplicissimus' isle. His men go ashore and find the hermit's -dwelling, which, as the captain only afterwards learn they plunder, and -generally behave brutally. Cornelissen finds the crosses and many pious -inscriptions on trees, which prove to him that the unknown is a good -Christian though probably a Papist. The crew track Simplicissimus to a -vast cavern, on entering which their lights are miraculously -extinguished. There is an earthquake, and the seamen who had taken part -in the plundering of the hermit's dwelling are smitten with madness. -Cornelissen, with the chaplain and officers, determines to find -Simplicissimus at any cost. They penetrate the cave, but their lights -also go out, and Simplicissimus addresses them from the darkness and -remonstrates with them for their interference. The chaplain apologises, -and asks how the madmen may be cured: he is told that they are to -swallow the kernels of certain plums they had eaten. They offer to take -him back to Europe, but he refuses. After making a bargain with them to -secure his being left in peace, Simplicissimus shews himself surrounded -with his glow-worms. He leads them out of the cave and shews them his -ruined hut, and tells how his ducats and his book had been stolen. The -madmen are brought to their senses again. Simplicissimus recovers his -book, which he entrusts to Cornelissen, but again refuses to return to -sinful Europe. They rebuild his hut for him, provide him with plenty of -tools, a burning-glass, cotton clothing, and a pair of rabbits for -breeding purposes: and so, their sick being all recovered, sail away -and leave him there. - -[A reference to the "Introduction" will show that this island adventure -could have had no place in the Simplician cycle of romances; unless we -suppose, which is highly improbable, that the author meant it to be -subsequent to the inn episode, in which Simplicissimus' family and -friends all meet. Most likely we have here the latest addition, in -point of composition, to the legend.] - - - - -[The following is given as a specimen of the nonsense of which the -various continuations are made up.] - - -APPENDIX C - -"Continuatio," _chap. xiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS IN RETURN FOR A -NIGHT'S LODGING, TAUGHT HIS HOST A CURIOUS ART - - -Now the evening before this I had lost a certain catalogue of those -special arts which I had aforetime practised and written down that I -might not forget them so easily: yet I depended not on this to remember -how to perform them and with what helps. For example I do here set down -the beginning of this list: - -So to prepare matches or fuses that they shall give out no smell, -seeing that by such smell musqueteers be often betrayed and their plans -defeated. - -To prepare match so that it will burn though it be wet. - -To prepare powder so that it will not burn though red-hot steel be -thrust therein: very useful for fortresses that must harbour much of so -dangerous a guest. - -To shoot men or birds with powder alone so that they shall lie as dead -for a while and yet rise up again without harm. - -To give a man double strength without the use of carbine-thistle or -other such forbidden means. - -If a sally from a fortress be checked, so to spike the enemy's guns in -a moment that they must burst. - -To spoil a man's gun so that it will scare all game to cover till it be -again cleansed with a certain other substance. - -To hit the bull's-eye in a target more quickly by laying the gun on the -shoulder and firing backward, than if a man should take aim and fire in -the accustomed way. - -A special art to provide that no bullet may hit thee. - -To prepare an instrument by means of which, specially on a still night, -a man can in wondrous wise hear all that sounds or is spoken at an -incredible distance (otherwise clean impossible and supernatural); very -profitable for sentries and specially in sieges, etc. (bk. iii., chap. -1.). - -In like manner were many arts described in the said catalogue which -mine host had found and read: so he came to me himself into my -chamber, shewed me the list, and asked whether 'twas possible that -these things could be done by natural means; for that could he scarce -believe; yet must confess that in his youth, when he served as a page -in Italy with Field-marshal von Schauenburg, it was given out by some -that the princes of Savoy were proof against bullets: which the said -Field-marshal desired to make proof of in the person of Prince Thomas, -whom he then kept besieged in a fortress; for when on a time both sides -had agreed on a truce for an hour to bury the dead and to confer -together, he had commanded a corporal of his regiment, that was held to -be the best marksman in the whole army, to take aim at the said prince -while he should be standing on the parapet of the wall for a parley, -and so soon as the hour agreed upon should end, to fire at him with his -piece, with which he could put a lighted candle out at fifty paces: -that this corporal had taken careful note of the time and kept the said -prince under observation the whole time of the truce, and at the very -moment when it ended with the first stroke of the hour, fired at him: -yet had his piece, contrary to all belief, missed fire, and before the -corporal could make ready again the prince was gone behind the parapet; -whereupon the corporal pointed out to the Field-marshal, who had -likewise come to him on the trenches, a Switzer of the prince's guard, -at whom he aimed and hit him in such fashion that he rolled over and -over; wherefrom it plainly appeared that there was something in the -story that no prince of the house of Savoy could be hit or harmed. Yet -whether this was brought about by such arts, or whether perchance the -said princely house enjoyed a special grace from God, being, as 'twas -said, sprung from the race of the royal prophet David, he knew not. - -I answered, "I know not either, but this I do know of a surety, that -the arts here specified be natural and no witchcraft." Which if he -would not believe, let him but say which he held to be the most -wonderful and impossible and I would at once to satisfy him (provided -only that 'twas one that asked not long time but only such means as I -had then at hand), make trial of it, for I must presently be a-foot and -pursue my journey. At that he said this seemed to him the most -impossible, that gunpowder should not burn if fire were put to it, -unless one should first pour the powder into water; which if I could by -natural means effect he would believe concerning all the other arts, -though there were over sixty of them, what he might not see and before -such trial could not believe. I answered, let him bring me quickly a -charge of powder and also a certain substance which I had need of, and -fire also, and presently he should see that the trick would hold. This -being done, I caused him to follow my process and then set light to the -powder: yet could he do no more than burn here and there a grain though -he worked at it for a quarter of an hour, and accomplished no more than -that he cooled a red-hot iron and quenched matches and lighted coals in -the very powder itself. "Aha!" says he, "the powder is bad." But I -answered him in act, and without much ado, before he could count a -score, so worked it that the powder blew up when he had scarce touched -it with the fire. - - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 1: _Lit._, "Bohemian Villages," _i.e._, with unpronounceable -names.] - -[Footnote 2: William, Duke of Aquitaine, and afterwards a Saint noted -for the acerbity of his penances.] - -[Footnote 3: A proverb: on Saint Gertrude's day spinning ceases and -garden-work begins.] - -[Footnote 4: Viz. "ihnen den Hintern zu lecken."] - -[Footnote 5: The commandments are here numbered according to the Roman -arrangement, but the meaning is obscure.] - -[Footnote 6: The hermit.] - -[Footnote 7: _i.e._ full of innocence.] - -[Footnote 8: Given as an example of a Roman of luxurious tastes.] - -[Footnote 9: Refers to an episode omitted in this translation.] - -[Footnote 10: Allusion to a cruel practice in use in falconry.] - -[Footnote 11: Proverbial: an allusion to a popular story.] - -[Footnote 12: Lit. there are folk dwelling beyond the mountains too.] - -[Footnote 13: I.e., he was bewitched.] - -[Footnote 14: Hessian General.] - -[Footnote 15: It is difficult to translate the German expression. -Probably this word, meaning a maritime trader in illicit wares, -represents it best.] - -[Footnote 16: Obscure lines: many of the expressions in this chapter -are now inexplicable.] - -[Footnote 17: He wrote the words down as he was told as if they meant -the _judge's_ mother.] - -[Footnote 18: The cuirass would be well lined to prevent chafing.] - -[Footnote 19: Some 120 years before.] - -[Footnote 20: Besieged by the Spaniards from 1601 to 1604.] - -[Footnote 21: A kind of Eldorado.] - -[Footnote 22: The famous cavalry commander of the Imperialists.] - -[Footnote 23: The musqueteer supported his piece on a prop or stake.] - -[Footnote 24: See chap. iii.] - -[Footnote 25: viz. Lippstadt.] - -[Footnote 26: The initials only of the name are given in the original.] - -[Footnote 27: The pastor was 'Reformed' (i.e. Calvinist).] - -[Footnote 28: I.e., at the Antipodes: "at the other end of the world."] - -[Footnote 29: Referring to a body of Breton troops sent by Richelieu to -help Guébriant. They turned out worthless.] - -[Footnote 30: "Bearskinner" was the troopers' name for a malingerer. It -was taken from a very old legend.] - -[Footnote 31: The allusion is to the escape of the robber-knight, -Eppelin von Gailingen, from the Castle of Nuremberg.] - -[Footnote 32: In 1063 the retainers of the Bishop of Hildesheim and the -Abbot of Fulda fought in church at Goslar, and much bloodshed ensued.] - -[Footnote 33: Act as a usurer or cheat.] - -[Footnote 34: He may possibly mean the three old fortifications of -which ruins still remain: Schwaben-, Schweden-, and Alexander-schanze; -all of which are close to his favourite spa at Griesbach.] - -[Footnote 35: See chap. xi. above.] - -[Footnote 36: This was "Courage," the heroine of some of -Grimmelshausen's later romances.] - -[Footnote 37: Unknown.] - -[Footnote 38: The jest is now unintelligible.] - -[Footnote 39: It was really Christian of Brunswick, marching to join -Mansfeld.] - -[Footnote 40: "Goblin" or rather "bogey" lake.] - -[Footnote 41: D'Enghien.] - -[Footnote 42: A hedge schoolmaster.] - -[Footnote 43: Offa. Offenburg.] - -[Footnote 44: Baiersbronn.] - -[Footnote 45: Literally "a Bohemian ear-picker."] - - - - - BALLANTYNE & COMPANY LTD - Tavistock Street Covent Garden - London - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventurous Simplicissimus being -the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim, by Hans Jacob Christoph von Grimmelshausen - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTUROUS *** - -***** This file should be named 33858-8.txt or 33858-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/8/5/33858/ - -Produced by Charles Bowen, from page scans provided by the Web Archive - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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