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diff --git a/33858-0.txt b/33858-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c48615a --- /dev/null +++ b/33858-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14792 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 33858 *** + + + + +Page scan source: +http://www.archive.org/details/adventuroussimpl00grimrich +2. Book V skips numbering between Chap. xviii. and xx. + + + + + + + THE ADVENTUROUS + + Simplicissimus + + + + + + _The first English Edition of_ + Simplicissimus + _is limited to 1000 copies_ + _of which this is No_. 11. + + + + + +[Illustration: Facsimile title page of the first German Edition.] + + + + + Der Abentheursiche + SIMPLICISSIMUS + Teutsch + Das ist: + Die Beschreibung dess Lebes eines + seltzamen Vaganten / genant Melchior + Sternfels von Fuchshaim / wo und welcher + gestalt Er nemlich in diese Welt kommen / was + er darinn gesehen / gelernet / erfahren und + aussgestanden / auch warumb er solche wieder + feywillig quittirt. + + Überauss lustig / und männiglich + nutzlich zu lesen. + An Tag geben + Von + + German Schleifheim + von Sulsfort. + + + + Monpelgart / + Gedruckt bey Johann Fillion / + Im Jahr M DC LXIX. + + + Facsimile title page of the first German Edition. + + + + + + THE ADVENTUROUS + + Simplicissimus + + + BEING THE DESCRIPTION OF THE LIFE + OF A STRANGE VAGABOND NAMED + + MELCHIOR STERNFELS VON FUCHSHAIM + + WRITTEN IN GERMAN BY + + HANS JACOB CHRISTOPH + VON GRIMMELSHAUSEN + + AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME + DONE INTO ENGLISH + + + + + LONDON + WILLIAM HEINEMANN + MCMXII + + + + + + + _Copyright_ 1912 + + + + + + + TO + DR. OTTO SCHLAPP + + Lecturer in German in the University of Edinburgh, + as a tribute to his successful endeavours + to promote the knowledge of the + German Classics in Britain, and in + memory of a mutual friend, + Robert Fitzroy Bell + + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +INTRODUCTION + + +BOOK I. + +_Chap. i._: Treats of Simplicissimus' rustic descent and of his +upbringing answering thereto + +_Chap. ii._: Of the first step towards that dignity to which +Simplicissimus attained, to which is added the praise of shepherds and +other excellent precepts + +_Chap. iii._: Treats of the sufferings of a faithful bagpipe + +_Chap. iv._: How Simplicissimus' palace was stormed, plundered, and +ruinated, and in what sorry fashion the soldiers kept house there + +_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus took french leave and how he was +terrified by dead trees + +_Chap. vi._: Is so short and so prayerful that Simplicissimus thereupon +swoons away + +_Chap. vii._: How Simplicissimus was in a poor lodging kindly entreated + +_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus by his noble discourse proclaimed his +excellent qualities + +_Chap. ix._: How Simplicissimus was changed from a wild beast into a +Christian + +_Chap. x._: In what manner he learned to read and write in the wild +woods + +_Chap. xi._: Discourseth of foods, household stuff, and other necessary +concerns, which folk must have in this earthly life + +_Chap. xii._: Tells of a notable fine way, to die happy and to have +oneself buried at a small cost + +_Chap. xiii._: How Simplicissimus was driven about like a straw in a +whirlpool + +_Chap. xiv._: A quaint comedia of five peasants + +_Chap. xv._: How Simplicissimus was plundered, and how he dreamed of +the peasants and how they fared in times of war + +_Chap. xvi._: Of the ways and works of soldiers nowadays, and how +hardly a common soldier can get promotion + +_Chap. xvii._: How it happens that, whereas in war the nobles are ever +put before the common men, yet many do attain from despised rank to +high honours + +_Chap. xviii._: How Simplicissimus took his first step into the world +and that with evil luck + +_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus was captured by Hanau and Hanau by +Simplicissimus + +_Chap. xx._: In what wise he was saved from prison and torture + +_Chap. xxi._: How treacherous Dame Fortune cast on Simplicissimus a +friendly glance + +_Chap. xxii._: Who the hermit was by whom Simplicissimus was cherished + +_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus became a page: and likewise, how the +hermit's wife was lost + +_Chap. xxiv._: How Simplicissimus blamed the world and saw many idols +therein + +_Chap. xxv._: How Simplicissimus found the world all strange and the +world found him strange likewise + +_Chap. xxvi._: A new and strange way for men to wish one another luck +and to welcome one another + +_Chap. xxvii._: How Simplicissimus discoursed with the secretary, and +how he found a false friend + +_Chap. xxviii._: How Simplicissimus got two eyes out of one calf's-head + +_Chap. xxix._: How a man step by step may attain unto intoxication and +finally unawares become blind drunk + +_Chap. xxx._: Still treats of naught but of drinking bouts, and how to +be rid of parsons thereat + +_Chap. xxxi._: How the Lord Governor shot a very foul fox + +_Chap. xxxii._: How Simplicissimus spoiled the dance + + + +BOOK II. + +_Chap. i._: How a goose and a gander were mated + +_Chap. ii._: Concerning the merits and virtues of a good bath at the +proper season + +_Chap. iii._: How the other page received payment for his teaching, and +how Simplicissimus was chosen to be a fool + +_Chap. iv._: Concerning the man that pays the money, and of the +military service that Simplicissimus did for the Crown of Sweden: +through which service he got the name of Simplicissimus + +_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus was by four devils brought into hell and +there treated with Spanish wine + +_Chap. vi._: How Simplicissimus went up to heaven and was turned into a +calf + +_Chap. vii._: How Simplicissimus accommodated himself to the state of a +brute beast + +_Chap. viii._: Discourseth of the wondrous memory of some and the +forgetfulness of others + +_Chap. ix._: Crooked praise of a proper lady + +_Chap. x._: Discourseth of naught but heroes and famous artists + +_Chap. xi._: Of the toilsome and dangerous office of a Governor + +_Chap. xii._: Of the sense and knowledge of certain unreasoning animals + +_Chap. xiii._: Of various matters which whoever will know must either +read them or have them read to him + +_Chap. xiv._: How Simplicissimus led the life of a nobleman, and how +the Croats robbed him of this when they stole himself + +_Chap. xv._: Of Simplicissimus' life with the troopers, and what he saw +and learned among the Croats + +_Chap. xvi._: How Simplicissimus found goodly spoils, and how he became +a thievish brother of the woods + +_Chap. xvii._: How Simplicissimus was present at a dance of witches + +_Chap. xviii._: Doth prove that no man can lay to Simplicissimus' +charge that he doth draw the long bow + +_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus became a fool again as he had been a +fool before + +_Chap. xx._: Is pretty long, and treats of playing with dice and what +hangs thereby + +_Chap. xxi._: Is somewhat shorter and more entertaining than the last + +_Chap. xxii._: A rascally trick to step into another man's shoes + +_Chap. xxiii._: How Ulrich Herzbruder sold himself for a hundred ducats + +_Chap. xxiv._: How two prophecies were fulfilled at once + +_Chap. xxv._: How Simplicissimus was transformed from a boy into a girl +and fell into divers adventures of love + +_Chap. xxvi._: How he was imprisoned for a traitor and enchanter + +_Chap. xxvii:_ How the Provost fared in the battle of Wittstock + +_Chap. xxviii._: Of a great battle wherein the conqueror is captured in +the hour of triumph + +_Chap. xxix._: How a notably pious soldier fared in Paradise, and how +the huntsman filled his place + +_Chap. xxx._: How the huntsman carried himself when he began to learn +the trade of war: wherefrom a young soldier may learn somewhat + +_Chap. xxxi._: How the devil stole the parson's bacon and how the +huntsman caught himself + + + +BOOK III. + +_Chap. i._: How the huntsman went too far to the left hand + +_Chap. ii._: How the huntsman of Soest did rid himself of the huntsman +of Wesel + +_Chap. iii._: How the Great God Jupiter was captured and how he +revealed the counsels of the gods + +_Chap. iv._: Of the German hero that shall conquer the whole world and +bring peace to all nations + +_Chap. v._: How he shall reconcile all religions and cast them in the +same mould + +_Chap. vi._: How the embassy of the fleas fared with Jupiter + +_Chap. vii._: How the huntsman again secured honour and booty + +_Chap. viii._: How he found the devil in the trough, and how +Jump-i'-th'-field got fine horses + +_Chap. ix._: Of an unequal combat in which the weakest wins the day and +the conqueror is captured + +_Chap. x._: How the Master-General of Ordnance granted the huntsman his +life and held out hopes of great things + +_Chap. xi._: Contains all manner of matters of little import and great +imagination + +_Chap. xii._: How fortune unexpected bestowed on the huntsman a noble +present + +_Chap. xiii._: Of Simplicissimus' strange fancies and castles in the +air, and how he guarded his treasure + +_Chap. xiv._: How the huntsman was captured by the enemy + +_Chap. xv._: On what condition the huntsman was set free + +_Chap. xvi._: How Simplicissimus became a nobleman + +_Chap. xvii._: How the huntsman disposed himself to pass his six +months: and also somewhat of the prophetess + +_Chap. xviii._: How the huntsman went a wooing, and made a trade of it + +_Chap. xix._: By what means the huntsman made friends, and how he was +moved by a sermon + +_Chap. xx._: How he gave the faithful priest other fish to fry, to +cause him to forget his own hoggish life + +_Chap. xxi._: How Simplicissimus all unawares was made a married man + +_Chap. xxii._: How Simplicissimus held his wedding feast and how he +purposed to begin his new life + +_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus came to a certain town (which he +nameth for convenience Cologne) to fetch his treasure + +_Chap. xxiv._: How the huntsman caught a hare in the middle of a town + + + +BOOK IV. + +_Chap. i._: How and for what reason the huntsman was jockeyed away into +France + +_Chap. ii._: How Simplicissimus found a better host than before + +_Chap. iii._: How he became a stage player and got himself a new name + +_Chap. iv._: How Simplicissimus departed secretly and how he believed +he had the Neapolitan disease + +_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus pondered on his past life, and how with +the water up to his mouth he learned to swim + +_Chap. vi._: How he became a vagabond quack and a cheat + +_Chap. vii._: How the doctor was fitted with a musquet under Captain +Curmudgeon + +_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus endured a cheerless bath in the Rhine + +_Chap. ix._: Wherefore clergymen should never eat hares that have been +taken in a snare + +_Chap. x._: How Simplicissimus was all unexpectedly quit of his musquet + +_Chap. xi._: Discourses of the Order of the Marauder Brothers + +_Chap. xii._: Of a desperate fight for life in which each party doth +yet escape death + +_Chap. xiii._: How Oliver conceived that he could excuse his brigand's +tricks + +_Chap. xiv._: How Oliver explained Herzbruder's prophecy to his own +profit, and so came to love his worst enemy + +_Chap. xv._: How Simplicissimus thought more piously when he went +a-plundering than did Oliver when he went to church + +_Chap. xvi._: Of Oliver's descent, and how he behaved in his youth, and +specially at school + +_Chap. xvii._: How he studied at Liège, and how he there demeaned +himself + +_Chap. xviii._: Of the homecoming and departure of this worshipful +student, and how he sought to obtain advancement in the wars + +_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus fulfilled Herzbruder's prophecy to +Oliver before yet either knew the other + +_Chap. xx._: How it doth fare with a man on whom evil fortune doth rain +cats and dogs + +_Chap. xxi._: A brief example of that trade which Oliver followed, +wherein he was a master and Simplicissimus should be a prentice + +_Chap. xxii._: How Oliver bit the dust and took six good men with him + +_Chap. xxiii._: How Simplicissimus became a rich man and Herzbruder +fell into great misery + +_Chap. xxiv._: Of the manner in which Herzbruder fell into such evil +plight + + + +BOOK V. + +_Chap. i._: How Simplicissimus turned palmer and went on a pilgrimage +with Herzbruder + +_Chap. ii._: How Simplicissimus, being terrified of the devil, was +converted + +_Chap. iii._: How the two friends spent the winter + +_Chap. iv._: In what manner Simplicissimus and Herzbruder went to the +wars again and returned thence + +_Chap. v._: How Simplicissimus rode courier and in the likeness of +Mercury learned from Jove what his design was as regards war and peace + +_Chap. vi._: A story of a trick that Simplicissimus played at the spa + +_Chap. vii._: How Herzbruder died and how Simplicissimus again fell to +wanton courses + +_Chap. viii._: How Simplicissimus found his second marriage turn out, +and how he met with his dad and learned who his parents had been + +_Chap. ix._: In what manner the pains of childbirth came upon him, and +how he became a widower + +_Chap. x._: Relation of certain peasants concerning the wonderful +Mummelsee + +_Chap. xi._: Of the marvellous thanksgiving of a patient, and of the +holy thoughts thereby awakened in Simplicissimus + +_Chap. xii._: How Simplicissimus journeyed with the sylphs to the +centre of the earth + +_Chap. xvii._: How Simplicissimus returned from the middle of the +earth, and of his strange fancies, his air-castles, his calculations; +and how he reckoned without his host + +_Chap. xviii._: How Simplicissimus wasted his spring in the wrong place + +_Chap. xx._: Treats of a trifling promenade from the Black Forest to +Moscow in Russia + +_Chap. xxi._: How Simplicissimus further fared in Moscow + +_Chap. xxii._: By what a short and merry road he came home to his dad + +_Chap. xxiii._: Is very short and concerneth Simplicissimus alone + +_Chap. xxiv._: Why and in what fashion Simplicissimus left the world +again + + + +APPENDIX A +CONTINUATION + +_Chap. xix._: How Simplicissimus and a carpenter escaped from a +shipwreck with their lives and were thereafter provided with a land of +their own + +_Chap. xx._: How they hired a fair cook-maid and by God's help were rid +of her again + +_Chap. xxi._: How they thereafter kept house together and how they set +to work + +_Chap. xxii._: Further sequel of the above story, and how Simon Meron +left the island and this life, and how Simplicissimus remained the sole +lord of the island + +_Chap. xxiii._: In which the hermit concludes his story and therewith +ends these his six books + + + +APPENDIX B + + + +APPENDIX C + +"Continuatio," _chap. xiii._: How Simplicissimus in return for a +night's lodging, taught his host a curious art + + + + +[Illustration: Frontispiece of the First Edition from the Ducal +Library. Wolf Buettel.] + + + + + + INTRODUCTION + + +The translation here presented to the public is intended rather as a +contribution to the history, or perhaps it should be said the +sociology, of the momentous period to which the romance of +"Simplicissimus" belongs, than as a specimen of literature. Effective +though its situations are, consistent and artistic though its +composition is (up to a certain point), its interest lies chiefly in +the pictures, or rather photographs, of contemporary manners and +characters which it presents. It has been said with some truth that if +succeeding romancers had striven as perseveringly as our author to +embody the spirit and reflect the ways of the people, German fiction +might long ago have reached as high a development as the English novel. +As it is, there is little of such spirit to be discovered in the prose +romances which appeared between the time of Grimmelshausen and that of +Jean Paul Richter. But the influence of the latter was completely swept +away in the torrent of idealism by which the fictions of the idolised +Goethe and his followers were characterised, and his domestic realism +has only of late made its reappearance in disquieting and sordid forms. + +It should be remembered as an apology for the stress now laid upon the +sociological side of the history of the Thirty Years War, that that +side has by historians been resolutely thrust into the background. The +most detailed and painstaking narratives of the war are either bare +records of military operations or, worse still, represent merely +meticulous and valueless unravellings of the web of intrigue with which +the pedants of the time deceived themselves into the belief that they +were very Machiavels of subtlety and resource. While the Empire was +bleeding to death, the chancelleries of half Europe were intent on the +detaching from one side or the other of a venal general, or the +patching up of some partial armistice that might afford breathing-time +to organise further mischief. It does not matter much to any one +whether Wallenstein was knave or fool, but it did matter and does +matter that the war crippled for two hundred years the finances, the +agriculture, and the enterprise of the German people, and dealt a blow +to their patriotism from the like of which few nations could have +recovered. Even the character of the civil administration was +completely altered when the struggle ended. An army of capable +bourgeois secretaries and councillors had for centuries served their +princes and their fellow subjects well. It is wonderful that throughout +the devastating wars waged by Wallenstein and Weimar, and even later on +during the organised raids of Wrangel and Königsmark, the records were +kept, the village business administered (where there was a village +left), and even revenue collected with wellnigh as much regularity as +in time of peace. These functionaries, who had worked so well, were at +the end of the war gradually dispossessed of their influence, and their +posts were taken by a swarm of young place-hunters of noble birth whom +the peace had deprived of their proper employment, and whose pride was +only equalled by their incapacity. But neither particulars nor +generalisations bearing on such subjects are to be found in the pages +of professional historians; they must be sought in the contemporary +records of the people, of which the present work affords one of the few +existing specimens, or else in the work of picturesque writers who, +laying no claim to the title of scientific investigators, yet possess +the power of selecting salient facts and deducing broad conclusions +from them. Freitag's "Bilder aus der Deutschen Vergangenheit" indicates +a wealth of material for sociological study which has as yet been but +charily used; and recent German works dealing directly with the subject +are more remarkable for elegance of production than for depth of +research. + +Such being the purpose for which this translation has been undertaken, +an Introduction to it must necessarily be concerned not so much with +the bibliography of the book or even the sources, if any, to which the +author was beholden for his material, as with his own personality and +the amount of actual fact that underlies the narrative of the +fictitious hero's adventures. In respect of the first point, we are +presented with a biography almost as shadowy and elusive as that of +Shakespeare. In many ways, indeed, the particulars of the lives of +these two which we possess are curiously alike. Both were voluminous +writers; both enjoyed considerable contemporary reputation; and in both +cases our knowledge of their actual history is confined to a few +statements by persons who lived somewhat later than themselves, and a +few formal documents and entries. In Grimmelshausen's case this +obscurity is increased by his practice of publishing under assumed +names. In the score of romances and tracts which are undoubtedly his +work, we find only two to which his real name is attached. He has nine +other pseudonyms, nearly all anagrams of the words "Christoffel von +Grimmelshausen." Of these, "German Schleifheim von Sulsfort" and +"Samuel Greifnsohn vom Hirschfelt" are the best known; the latter being +the name to which he most persistently clung, and under which +"Simplicissimus" was published, though the former appears on the +title-page as that of the "editor." Only as the signature to a kind of +advertisement at the end do we find the initials of "Hans Jacob +Christoffel von Grimmelshausen," his full name. Until the publication +of a collection of his works by Felsecker at Nuremberg in 1685, the +true authorship of most of them remained unknown. But that editor, by +his allusions in the preface, practically identified the writer as the +"Schultheiss of Renchen, near Strassburg," whom he seems to have known +personally. The reasons for anonymity were, no doubt, firstly, the fact +that "Simplicissimus" at least dealt with the actions of men yet +alive; and secondly, with regard to the other books, the continual +references to details of the author's own life and opinions. His dread +of offending a contemporary is shown by his disguising of the name of +St. André, the commandant of Lippstadt, as N. de S. A. of L. (bk. iii., +chap. 15). + +It is unnecessary here to enter into a discussion of the authorities +from whom the meagre particulars of Grimmelshausen's life are drawn. It +may suffice for our present purpose to indicate the main events of that +life. He was born at Gelnhausen, near Hanau, about 1625--probably of a +humble family. At the age of ten he was captured by Hessian (that is, +be it remembered, anti-Imperialist) troops, and became a member of that +"unseliger Tross"--the unholy crew of horseboys, harlots, sutlers, and +hangers-on who followed the armies on both sides, and sometimes +outnumbered them three to one. In 1648, the last year of the war, the +whole Imperial army only numbered 40,000 fighting men, and the +recognised camp-followers, who were commanded and kept in order by +officers significantly named the "Provosts of the Harlots," no less +than 140,000. In the preface to one of his works called the "Satyrical +Pilgrim," Grimmelshausen speaks of himself as having been "a +musqueteer" at the age of ten--a statement which is obviously to be +taken in the same sense in which Simplicissimus tells us (bk. ii., +chap. 4) how he "served the crown of Sweden" at a similar age as a +soldier, and drew pay for it. As a matter of fact, Grimmelshausen +probably served a musqueteer or several musqueteers, just as the "Boy" +in Henry V. serves Ancient Pistol and his comrades. From another book, +the "Everlasting Almanack," we learn that he was a soldier under the +Imperialist general Götz, lay in garrison at Offenburg, the free city +alluded to in book v., chapter 20, and also for a long time in the +famous fortress of Philippsburg, of his residence in which he tells +various anecdotes. There are traces both in "Simplicissimus" and his +other books of a wide and unusual acquaintance with many lands, German +and non-German. He knows both Westphalia and Saxony well; Bohemia also: +and certainly Switzerland. The journey to Russia may have some +foundation in fact, though the statement put into the mouth of +Simplicissimus that he has himself seen the fabulous "sheep plant" (bk. +v., chap. 22) growing in Siberia considerably detracts from his +trustworthiness here. But when he left the army, and whether he ever +attained to any reputable rank therein, is quite uncertain. If 1625 be +the correct date of his birth he would be but twenty-three years old at +the conclusion of peace. + +Besides his military expeditions, it is pretty clear from his works +that he had visited Amsterdam and Paris and knew them fairly well; but +for nineteen years we have no further trace of his career, till he +suddenly appears as Schultheiss, under the Bishop of Strassburg, of +Renchen, now in the Grand Duchy of Baden, a town of which he +deliberately conceals the name exactly as he does his own, by anagrams, +calling it now Rheinec, now Cernheim. In October 1667 he appears as +holding this office and issuing an order concerning the mills of the +town, which is still in existence. His wife was Katharina Henninger, +and entries have been found of the birth of two children, a daughter +and a son, in 1669 and 1675. A curious episode in the first part of the +"Enchanted Bird's-nest," quoted hereafter, seems to indicate a grave +family disappointment. In 1676 he died, aged fifty-one only, but having +reached what may almost be called a ripe age for the battered and spent +soldier of the Thirty Years War. The entry of his death is peculiarly +full and even discursive, and tells how though he had again entered on +military service--no doubt on the occasion of the French invasion in +1674--and though his sons and daughters were living in places widely +distant from each other, they were all present at his death, in which +he was fortified by the rites of Holy Church. A final touch of +uncertainty is added by the fact that we do not even know whether +Grimmelshausen was his true name: it is more likely to be that of some +small estate which he had acquired, and of which he assumed the name +when, as we learn, he was raised to noble rank. + +It is plain even from this brief outline of his life that +Grimmelshausen was emphatically a self-taught man; and it is partly to +this fact that we owe the originality of his work; for he had never +fallen under the baleful influence of the pedantry of his time. He had, +it is true, picked up a deal of out-of-the-way knowledge, which he is +willing enough to set before us to the verge of tediousness. But his +learning is very superficial; he was a poor Latinist; and it is likely +that for most of his erudition he was indebted to the translations +which were particularly plentiful during that golden period of material +prosperity in Germany which preceded the terrible war. It is clear +enough that everywhere he thought more of the content than of the +literary form of his own or any other work; and for the times his +scientific and mathematical knowledge was considerable. In the field of +romance he knows, and does not hesitate to borrow from, Boccaccio, +Bandello ("Simplicissimus," bk. iv., chaps. 4, 5), and the "Cent +Nouvelles Nouvelles," while in his minor works he shows ample +acquaintance with old German legend and also with stories like that of +King Arthur of England. Lastly, we find him commending the +"incomparable Arcadia" of Sir Philip Sidney (which he would have read +in the translation of Martin Opitz) as a model of eloquence, but +corrupting and enervating in its effect upon the manly virtues +("Simplicissimus," bk. iii., chap. 18). + +Yet his own earlier works are themselves in the tedious, unreal, and +stilted style of the romances of chivalry. "The Chaste Joseph," +"Dietrich and Amelind," and "Proximus and Limpida," though widely +different in subject, are alike in this, and show no sign of the genius +which created Simplicissimus. Yet for the first-named work--the +"Joseph"--its author cherished an unreasoning affection, and even +alludes to it in our romance as the work of the hero himself (bk. iii., +chap. 19). But it is no discredit to Grimmelshausen's originality if we +conjecture that the translations of Spanish picaresque novels (chiefly +by the untiring Aegidius Albertini), which appeared during the first +two decades of the seventeenth century, gave him the idea--they gave +him little or nothing more--of a vagabond hero. Mateo Aleman's famous +"Guzman de Alfarache" had been succeeded by two miserably poor "Second +Parts" by different authors, and in one of these there appears a +tedious episode containing the submarine adventures of the hero under +the form of a tunny-fish, to which we may conceivably owe the equally +tedious story of Simplicissimus and the sylphs of the Mummelsee. At the +end of the original book (bk. v., chap. 24) is an unblushing copy of a +passage from a work of Antonio Quevara or Guevara, also translated by +Albertini. + +That Grimmelshausen died a Romanist is pretty clear from the entry of +his death quoted above; nor is it likely that a Protestant could have +held the office of Schultheiss under the Bishop of Strassburg. There is +also extant a curious dialogue ascribed to Grimmelshausen in which +Simplicissimus's arguments against changing his religion are combated +and finally overthrown by a certain Bonarnicus, who effects his +complete conversion. It is far from improbable that the account of his +rescue from sinful indifference at Einsiedel which Simplicissimus gives +(bk. v., chap. 2)--of course apart from the miraculous incident of the +attack on him by the unclean spirit--roughly represents the experience +of his author. That the latter had been brought up a Protestant we +simply assume from the fact that Simplicissimus is understood to have +been so; the first indication which we have of a change in his opinions +being his exclamation of "Jesus Maria!" (bk. iii., chap. 20), which +draws upon him the suspicions of the pastor at Lippstadt. But Papist or +not, our author's superstition is unmistakable. + +It was indeed a time, like all periods of intense human misery, in +which men, it might almost be said, turned in despair to the powers of +hell because they had lost all faith in those of heaven. That numbers +of the unhappy wretches who suffered in their thousands for witchcraft +during the first period of the war actually believed themselves in +direct communication with the devil is certain. The Bishop of +Würzburg's fortnightly "autos-da-fé" were only stopped when some of the +victims denounced the prelate himself as their accomplice, apparently +believing it. Grimmelshausen is ready to believe anything. His +description of the Witches' Sabbath is that of a scene which he is +firmly convinced is a possible one; and he stoutly defends by a +multitude of preposterous stories the reasonableness of such conviction +("Simplicissimus," bk. ii., chaps. 17, 18). But among soldiers the most +widely spread superstition was that concerned with invulnerability. Not +only separate individuals, but whole bodies of troops were supposed to +be "frozen," or proof, at all events, against leaden bullets. Christian +of Brunswick actually employed his ducal brother's workers in glass to +make balls of that material to be used against Tilly's troops, who were +credited with this supernatural property; and when the small fortress +of Rogäz, near Dessau, was captured by Mansfeld in 1626, the assailants +were forbidden to use their fire-arms as useless; the members of the +garrison, being wizards all, were clubbed to death with hedge-stakes or +the butt-ends of musquets. In all probability this superstition arose +mainly from observation of the very small penetrating power of the +ammunition of the time. Oliver (bk. iv., chap. 14) is merely bruised on +the forehead by a bullet fired a few paces off: and bullets then +weighed ten to the pound. It is true that he has, as it seems, been +rendered ball-proof by the wicked old Provost Marshal, whose skull +Herzbruder (bk. ii., chap. 27) caused his own servant to split with an +axe at Wittstock, when no pistol could slay him: but the peasant in +book i., chapter 14, cannot be killed by a bullet fired close to his +head, perhaps by reason of the thickness of his skull. To celebrated +persons particularly the reputation of being "gefroren" attached. Count +Adam Terzky, Wallenstein's confidant, was supposed to be so protected: +the superstition regarding Claverhouse, who could only be killed with a +silver bullet, is well known: and even as late as 1792 there was a +belief among his soldiers that Frederick William II. of Prussia was +invulnerable. Grimmelshausen's adventuress "Courage" (of whom more +hereafter) is supposed to be "sword-and bullet-proof": and towards the +end of the war "Passau Tickets," or amulets protecting against wounds, +were manufactured and sold, while a host of minor magic arts, more or +less connected with invulnerability, were believed to exist. For such +tricks the passage from the generally uninteresting "Continuatio," +which is given as Appendix B of this book, is a kind of "locus +classicus." + +Another whole cycle of superstitions centres round the belief in +possible invisibility of persons. Of this we have no example in +"Simplicissimus," though the whole plot of the delightful double +romance of the "Enchanted Bird's-nest" (also fully discussed hereafter) +depends on it. On the other hand, the story of the production of the +puppies from the pockets of the colonel's guests by the wizard Provost +in book ii., chap. 22, is narrated by a man who plainly believed such +things possible; and absolute credence is given to the powers of +prophecy possessed both by old Herzbruder (bk. ii., chaps. 23, 24) and +by the fortune-teller of Soest (bk. iii., chap. 17), who is apparently +a well-known character of the times. It is noteworthy that Herzbruder +thinks meanly of the art of palmistry. + +Coming to the actual career of Simplicissimus as chronicled in the +romance which bears his name, we are at the outset confronted by some +strange chronology. The boy is born just after the battle of Höchst in +1622, and is captured by the troopers when ten years old; he is with +the hermit two years (bk. i., chap. 12) till the latter's death, and +makes his first "spring into the world" after the battle of Nördlingen +in the autumn of 1634. He is in Hanau during Ramsay's rule, and spends +there the winter of 1634-5. In the spring of 1635 (there was still ice +on the town-moat) he was captured by Croats. The following eighteen +months are occupied by his adventures as a forest-thief and as a +servant-girl, and the next certain note of time we have is that of the +battle of Wittstock, September 24, 1636. There follow the happenings at +Soest and the six months internment at Lippstadt. But at the time of +the siege of Breisach, in the winter of 1638, he has long been back +from Paris; his marriage, therefore, must have taken place before the +completion of his sixteenth year. Strange as this may appear, the story +appears to be deliberately so arranged. For it will be observed that +just before the lad's capture by the Swedes it is plainly implied (bk. +iii., chap. 11) that he has not yet arrived at the age of puberty. +Grimmelshausen intends him to be a "Wunderkind"--a youthful prodigy; +and such an explanation is far more likely than that the author is +simply careless and counting on the carelessness of his readers to +conceal the incongruity. For the continual references to the time of +year at which various events happen seem to prove that he had sketched +for himself something like a chronology of his fictitious hero's life. +And it is exceedingly difficult ever to detect him in the smallest +false note of time. The date of the banquet and dance at Hanau is +exactly fixed by the capture of Braunfels in January 1635 (bk. i., +chap. 29): and Orb and Staden _had_ both been captured before +Simplicissimus could well have delivered his oration on the miseries of +a governor (bk. ii., chap. 12). These may seem small matters, but it +must be remembered that Grimmelshausen had no Dictionary of Dates +before him. The battle of Jankow in 1645 gives us the last exact date +to be found in the book, and Tittmann is probably right in assuming +that with that engagement the author's personal connection with the war +ceased. By the time Simplicissimus returns from his Eastern wanderings +the "German Peace" had been concluded. + +At the very beginning of Simplicissimus's story he is brought in +contact with at least one historical personage--James Ramsay, the +Swedish commandant of Hanau, whose heroic defence of that town is well +known. Simplicissimus is said to be the son of his brother-in-law, one +Captain Sternfels von Fuchsheim. This man's Christian name is nowhere +given; the boy is expressly said by his foster-father (bk. v., chap. +8) to have been christened Melchior after himself, and the fictitious +character of the supposed parentage seems amply proved by the fact that +the whole name, "Melchior Sternfels von Fugshaim" (as it is often +spelt), is an exact anagram of "Christoffel von Grimmelshausen." We may +therefore pass over as unmeaning the attribution to this supposed +father of "estates in Scotland." by the pastor in book i., chapter 22, +and must probably consign to the realms of imagination the lady-mother, +Susanna Ramsay, also. That Grimmelshausen was really brought in +contact, possibly as a page, with the commandant of Hanau, seems +likely. He knows a good deal of him. But of his later career he is +quite ignorant; he even repeats as true the malignant calumny +circulated by the Jesuits of Vienna to the effect that Ramsay had gone +mad with rage at the loss of Hanau (bk. v., chap. 8). As a matter of +fact, the poor man died partly of his wounds and partly of a broken +heart. The only other historic personage in the story who can be +identified with certainty is Daniel St. André, a Hessian soldier of +fortune (bk. iii., chap. 15) of Dutch descent, and commanding at +Lippstadt for the "Crown of Sweden." + +For what reason Grimmelshausen wrote the "Continuatio," a dull medley +of allegories, visions, and stories of knavery, brightened only by the +"Robinsonade" at the end, it is hard to say; probably at the urgent +request of his publisher, when the striking success of the original +work became assured. It appeared at Möpelgard (Montéliard) in the very +same year, viz. 1669, as the first known edition, or more probably +editions, of the first five books, and is sometimes quoted as a sixth +book. Two years later there were issued three more "Continuations," +even more unworthy of their author, and laying stress chiefly on +the least estimable side of the hero's character--the roguery +by which he paid his way on his journey back from France. The +worthlessness of these sequels is the more remarkable when we consider +the excellence of the other books which make up what may be called the +Simplicissimus-cycle. These are "Trutzsimplex," "Springinsfeld," the +two parts of the "Enchanted Bird's-nest," and the "Everlasting +Almanack." They are all deserving of attention. + +The first, which is also known as the "Life of the Adventuress +'Courage,'" appeared immediately after "Simplicissimus," with which +it is connected by the fact that the heroine is none other than the +light-minded lady of the Spa at Griesbach, the alleged mother of +Simplicissimus's bastard son; she is also at one time the wife or +companion of "Springinsfeld" or "Jump i' th' Field," Simplicissimus's +old servant. Her history, which is narrated with extraordinary +vivacity, covers nearly the whole period of the war, and is interwoven +with the remaining books of the cycle in a sufficiently ingenious +manner. A secretary out of employ is driven by the cold into the warm +guest-room of an inn in a provincial town. Here he finds a huge old man +armed with a cudgel "that with one blow could have administered extreme +unction to any man." This is Simplicissimus, with the famous club that +had so terrified the resin-gatherers of the Black Forest +("Simplicissimus," bk. v., chap. 17). Either the episode of the Desert +Island is left out of account altogether--possibly not yet invented--or +he has not yet started on his final journey. The latter is unlikely, +for the date is indicated as 1669 or 1670. To these two enters an old +wooden-legged fiddler who turns out to be Simplicissimus's faithful +knave, "Jump i' th' Field." Of the former hero the secretary had read; +of the latter he himself had written; for meeting, as a poor wandering +scholar, with a gang of gipsies in the Schwarzwald, he had been engaged +by their queen, an aged but still handsome woman, to write her history, +on the promise of a pretty wife and good pay. He is cheated of both, +and the gipsies disappear with their queen, who is in fact the famous +"Courage" or "Kurrasche." + +The daughter of unknown parents, this heroine was living in a small +Bohemian town with an old nurse when the Imperialists, under Bucquoy, +conquered the country in 1620. She was then thirteen years old, and +thus fifteen years senior to Simplicissimus. The nurse, to protect her +chastity, disguises her as a boy, and in this garb she becomes page to +a young Rittmeister, to whom, her secret having been all but discovered +in a scuffle, she reveals her sex and becomes his mistress. The name +Courage is, for amusing but quite unmentionable reasons, given to her +in consequence of this episode. To her first lover she is actually +married on his death-bed, and now begins her career nominally as an +honourable widow, but in reality as an accomplished courtesan. She +still follows the army, for which she has an invincible love, and +being, of course, "frozen" or invulnerable, takes part in various +fights, in one of which she captures a major, who, when she in turn is +taken prisoner, revenges himself on her in the vilest fashion. He is +preparing to hand her over, according to custom ("Simplicissimus," bk. +ii., chap. 26), "to the horseboys," when she is rescued by a young +Danish nobleman, who proposes to make her his wife. The terrible story +is told with an exactness of detail, which plainly can only be the work +of the witness of similar scenes, and it is to be feared represents +only too faithfully the truth as to the treatment of women in the war. +It is remarkable, however, that few officers of high rank on either +side are accused of wanton offences against public morals. Holk and +Königsmark are the only two who are charged with publicly keeping their +mistresses; and they were the two most brutal commanders of their time. +As a rule superior officers took their wives with them ("Simplicissimus," +bk. ii., chap. 25) even to the field of battle, and if such ladies fell +into the enemy's hands, as did many after Nördlingen, they were +treated with all possible respect. + +But to return to "Courage." Her Danish lover is about to marry her when +he too dies, and after this disappointment she sinks lower and lower in +the social scale, forming temporary connections successively with a +captain, a lieutenant, a corporal and finally with a musqueteer, who is +no other than our old friend "Jump i' th' Field," for whose name she +gives us a very complete and quite untranslatable reason. With him she +journeys, as a Marketenderin or female sutler, to Italy, following the +army of Colalto and Gallas, and there, with his assistance, she plays a +variety of tricks, always knavish and often highly diverting. Grown +rich, the vivandière dismisses poor "Jump i' th' Field" with a handsome +present, and again resumes her trade of a superior courtesan in the +town from which she journeys to the Spa, where she found and beguiled +Simplicissimus. Her luck now turns; owing to a scandalous adventure +under a pear-tree--the story is a mere copy of a well-known one in the +"Hundred New Novels"--she is expelled from the town with the loss of +all her money and almost of her life--so severe in the matter of public +morals were the laws, in the midst of the general welter of wickedness +then prevailing. Her beauty lost, she becomes a petty trader in wine +and tobacco, and finally marries a gipsy chief; in which position we +find her and leave her. + +This story ended, the secretary and his friends in the inn are joined +by Simplicissimus's old foster-father and mother--the "Dad" and "Mammy" +of our romance--and also by young Simplicissimus, Courage's alleged +son. She has avenged herself on her faithless lover, as she tells us in +her own history, by laying at his door the child of her maid. It is for +this reason that she entitles her narrative "Trutzsimplex," or "Spite +Simplex." Her revenge, however, for reasons plainly hinted at, +miscarries; the child is her lover's after all. The merry company of +six then divert themselves during the short winter afternoon with a +profitable exhibition of Simplicissimus's tricks in the market-place, +and the night is pleasantly spent in listening to Springinsfeld's +account of his own life and adventures. + +The son of a Greek woman and an Albanian juggler, he follows in early +boyhood his father's trade. Carried away from the port of Ragusa by an +accident, he is landed in the Spanish Netherlands, and there serves +under Spinola, then with that general's army in the Rhine Palatinate, +and then in Pappenheim's cavalry. He is present at Breitenfeld and +Lützen, and while temporarily out of the service falls in with +"Courage" as above narrated. On leaving her, he sets up as an +innkeeper, and prospers, but is ruined through his own incorrigible +knavery. Serving against the Turks, he is wounded, and takes to +fiddling to support himself, marrying also a hurdy-gurdy girl of loose +character. In the course of their vagabond life there occurs the +incident which leads to the most ingenious and attractive of all the +romances of the cycle. + +Sitting by a stream, they see in the water the shadow of a tree with a +lump on one of the branches: on the tree itself there is no such lump. +It is a bird's-nest, invisible itself, which makes its possessor +invisible also. The wife seizes it and at once disappears, with all +their money in her pocket. She does not, however, abandon her husband +altogether, but when he goes into the neighbouring town of Munich she +slips a handful of money into his pocket. He finds that this is a part +of the proceeds of an impudent robbery just committed in the house of a +merchant, and will have none of it, but is compelled to be witness of +numerous amusing and mischievous pranks played by his wife of which he +alone knows the secret. He goes to the wars again and loses a leg, +after which he begs his way back to Munich and finds his wife dead. She +has befooled a young baker's man into believing her to be the fairy +Melusina, and after a sanguinary chance-medley in the baker's chamber, +whither she is pursued for thefts committed for his sake, is slain by a +young halberdier of the watch sent to arrest her. Her body is burned as +that of a witch, and her slayer disappears bodily. His story thus +ended, Springinsfeld is taken home by Simplicissimus to his farm, where +he dies in the odour of sanctity. + +Here begins the first part of the history of the "Enchanted +Bird's-nest." The young halberdier is an honest lad, who uses his +powers for good only, and his experiences are of exceeding interest as +giving a picture of the manners of the time viewed in their most +intimate particularities by an invisible witness. We have matrimonial +infelicities circumstantially described, as likewise the efforts +of an impoverished family of nobles to keep up appearances in their +tumble-down old castle. The halberdier prevents hideous and unspeakable +crime, captures burglars who are effecting their purpose by a device +similar to that of the "hand of glory," wreaks vengeance upon +loose-living pastors and rescues the intended victims of footpads. The +adventures follow one upon another in quick succession, but are ended +by a somewhat unnecessary fit of remorse, during which the halberdier +tears up the nest. It is, however, found, and the portion which +contains its magic properties kept, by a passer-by. This First Part +ends with a fresh appearance of Simplicissimus, who is in deep grief +over the rejection by a neighbouring nobleman of his application for a +post for his son, whom the invisible halberdier has seen and helped out +of trouble in the convent where he was studying. This scene is so +utterly unconnected with the course of the narrative that it is +conjectured to refer to some real family misfortune of Grimmelshausen, +of which he is anxious to give an explanation to the public. + +The new owner of the enchanted nest is the merchant whom +Springinsfeld's wife had robbed at Munich, and the "Second Part" is +occupied with the story of his wicked misuse of his powers. His actions +are the very opposite of the halberdier's, though the contrast is not +so pointed as to become inartistic. He makes use of his supernatural +facilities to seduce his own servant, to perpetrate a peculiarly filthy +act of revenge upon his faithless wife, and finally to accomplish the +crowning deception of his whole career. He makes his way into the +family of a respectable Portuguese Jew, in the first instance with a +view to robbery; but becoming enamoured of the beautiful daughter of +the house, he employs his invisibility to practise a most blasphemous +piece of knavery. He succeeds in making the unfortunate parents believe +that the maiden is destined to be the mother of the future Messiah by +the prophet Elias. The latter part he of course plays himself, and +enjoys the society of his victim till at length a child is born, which +turns out, to the general horror, to be a girl. The motive is not new +and the story is a sordid one; but it is most artistically recounted, +and an intimate knowledge of Jewish manners and ideas is displayed. The +narrative is also diversified by an element found in none of the other +romances of the cycle--acute and farsighted political discourses and +reasonings on European affairs as likely to be affected by the war then +impending with France, which ended with the treaty of Nimwegen in 1678. + +Rendered desperate by his sins, though now deeply enamoured of the +unfortunate Jewess Esther, the merchant is on the verge of surrendering +himself to the power of "black magicians" of the worst and most +diabolical kind when he escapes by betaking himself to the wars. +Possessing besides his invisibility the power of rendering himself +invulnerable, he is nevertheless wounded by a "consecrated" bullet, and +finally makes his way home in poverty and misery accompanied by a pious +monk. The nest is thrown into the Rhine and disappears for ever, and +the merchant prepares to spend the remainder of his life in prayer and +penitence. + +The connection of the fifth work, the "Everlasting Almanack," with +Simplicissimus is nominal only. It appeared in 1670, and is a perfect +specimen of what may be called the best class of chapbooks of that day. +It is the Whitaker's Almanack of the period. Each day has its special +saints given: there are rules of good husbandry and weather +prognostics; recipes for the house, the kitchen, and the farmyard; +together with matters adapted for the higher class of readers, such as +brief scientific notices, fragments of historical interest, narratives +of marvellous occurrences, and, of course, in the spirit of the time, a +mass of particulars as to astrology and the casting of horoscopes. +Ingenious as it all is, and not without interest from the sociological +point of view the book reminds us of Simplicissimus only by its +connection with that side of his character which we would willingly +forget, but for which Grimmelshausen seems to have cherished an +unreasoning admiration, and on which he insisted more and more in his +successive works--namely his qualities as a quack and mountebank. + +As already pointed out, the interest of the central romance of +"Simplicissimus" is less literary than historic, whereas German critics +in their estimate of its value have considered the first aspect only, +and their opinions are consequently little worth recording. Gervinus +for example, looking at the book from a purely artistic point of view, +finds it wanting. Other critics have followed him blindly and with a +considerable amount of underlying ignorance to boot. The accurate +Dahlmann, for example, though he reckons the romance among his +"historical sources," speaks of it as published at Möpelgard in 1669 in +six "volumes." Plainly he had never seen a copy, but had heard of the +six books (five and the "Continuation") and mistook them for volumes. +Tittmann, one of the latest editors of the work, sums up its chief +merits when he says: "Simplicissimus and the Simplician writings are +almost our only substitute, and that a poor one, for the contemporary +memoirs in which our western neighbours are so rich." + +The bibliography of the book is for our purpose not important. For a +year or two editions seem to have succeeded each other with such +rapidity that it is difficult to distinguish between them; but the only +additional value which those printed later than 1670 possess is the +questionable one of including the three worthless little sequels above +referred to. Of modern editions the best, perhaps, is that of Tittmann +(Leipzig, 1877), which has been principally used for this translation. +The annotations, however, leave much to be desired; many difficulties +are left unexplained, and there are some positive mistakes, of which a +single instance may suffice. In book v., chapter 4, we find the +expression "in prima plana," which is a sufficiently well-known +military phrase of the time and means "on the first page" (of the +muster-roll), which contained the names of the officers of a company +written separately from those of the rank and file. It is explained by +Tittmann to mean "at the first estimate," and succeeding editors have +copied this, adding as a possible alternative "in the first +engagement," or "at the first start". The editions for school and +family reading which are current in Germany are, as a rule, so +expurgated as to deprive the book of much of its interest. In this +translation it has been found necessary to omit a single episode only, +which is as childishly filthy as it is utterly uninteresting. + + A. T. S. G. + + + + + + BOOK I. + +_Chap. i._: TREATS OF SIMPLICISSIMUS'S RUSTIC DESCENT AND OF HIS +UPBRINGING ANSWERING THERETO + +There appeareth in these days of ours (of which many do believe that +they be the last days) among the common folk, a certain disease which +causeth those who do suffer from it (so soon as they have either +scraped and higgled together so much that they can, besides a few pence +in their pocket, wear a fool's coat of the new fashion with a thousand +bits of silk ribbon upon it, or by some trick of fortune have become +known as men of parts) forthwith to give themselves out gentlemen and +nobles of ancient descent. Whereas it doth often happen that their +ancestors were day-labourers, carters, and porters, their cousins +donkey-drivers, their brothers turnkeys and catchpolls, their sisters +harlots, their mothers bawds--yea, witches even: and in a word, their +whole pedigree of thirty-two quarterings as full of dirt and stain as +ever was the sugar-bakers' guild of Prague. Yea, these new sprigs of +nobility be often themselves as black as if they had been born and bred +in Guinea. + +With such foolish folk I desire not to even myself, though 'tis not +untrue that I have often fancied I must have drawn my birth from some +great lord or knight at least, as being by nature disposed to follow +the nobleman's trade had I but the means and the tools for it. 'Tis +true, moreover, without jesting, that my birth and upbringing can be +well compared to that of a prince if we overlook the one great +difference in degree. How! did not my dad (for so they call fathers in +the Spessart) have his own palace like any other, so fine as no king +could build with his own hands, but must let that alone for ever. 'Twas +painted with lime, and in place of unfruitful tiles, cold lead and red +copper, was roofed with that straw whereupon the noble corn doth grow, +and that he, my dad, might make a proper show of nobility and riches, +he had his wall round his castle built, not of stone, which men do find +upon the road or dig out of the earth in barren places, much less of +miserable baked bricks that in a brief space can be made and burned (as +other great lords be wont to do), but he did use oak, which noble and +profitable tree, being such that smoked sausage and fat ham doth grow +upon it, taketh for its full growth no less than a hundred years; and +where is the monarch that can imitate him therein? His halls, his +rooms, and his chambers did he have thoroughly blackened with smoke, +and for this reason only, that 'tis the most lasting colour in the +world, and doth take longer to reach to real perfection than an artist +will spend on his most excellent paintings. The tapestries were of the +most delicate web in the world, wove for us by her that of old did +challenge Minerva to a spinning match. His windows were dedicated to +St. Papyrius for no other reason than that that same paper doth take +longer to come to perfection, reckoning from the sowing of the hemp or +flax whereof 'tis made, than doth the finest and clearest glass of +Murano: for his trade made him apt to believe that whatever was +produced with much pains was also more valuable and more costly; and +what was most costly was best suited to nobility. Instead of pages, +lackeys, and grooms, he had sheep, goats, and swine, which often waited +upon me in the pastures till I drove them home. His armoury was well +furnished with ploughs, mattocks, axes, hoes, shovels, pitchforks, and +hayforks, with which weapons he daily exercised himself; for hoeing and +digging he made his military discipline, as did the old Romans in time +of peace. The yoking of oxen was his generalship, the piling of dung +his fortification, tilling of the land his campaigning, and the +cleaning out of stables his princely pastime and exercise. By this +means did he conquer the whole round world so far as he could reach, +and at every harvest did draw from it rich spoils. But all this I +account nothing of, and am not puffed up thereby, lest any should have +cause to jibe at me as at other newfangled nobility, for I esteem +myself no higher than was my dad, which had his abode in a right merry +land, to wit, in the Spessart, where the wolves do howl goodnight to +each other. But that I have as yet told you nought of my dad's family, +race and name is for the sake of precious brevity, especially since +there is here no question of a foundation for gentlefolks for me to +swear myself into; 'tis enough if it be known that I was born in the +Spessart. + +Now as my dad's manner of living will be perceived to be truly noble, +so any man of sense will easily understand that my upbringing was like +and suitable thereto: and whoso thinks that is not deceived, for in my +tenth year had I already learned the rudiments of my dad's princely +exercises: yet as touching studies I might compare with the famous +Amphistides, of whom Suidas reports that he could not count higher than +five: for my dad had perchance too high a spirit, and therefore +followed the use of these days, wherein many persons of quality trouble +themselves not, as they say, with bookworms' follies, but have their +hirelings to do their ink-slinging for them. Yet was I a fine performer +on the bagpipe, whereon I could produce most dolorous strains. But as +to knowledge of things divine, none shall ever persuade me that any lad +of my age in all Christendom could there beat me, for I knew nought of +God or man, of Heaven or hell, of angel or devil, nor could discern +between good and evil. So may it be easily understood that I, with such +knowledge of theology, lived like our first parents in Paradise, which +in their innocence knew nought of sickness or death or dying, and still +less of the Resurrection. O noble life! (or, as one might better say, O +noodle's life!) in which none troubles himself about medicine. And by +this measure ye can estimate my proficiency in the study of +jurisprudence and all other arts and sciences. Yea, I was so perfected +in ignorance that I knew not that I knew nothing. So say I again, O +noble life that once I led! But my dad would not suffer me long to +enjoy such bliss, but deemed it right that as being nobly born, I +should nobly act and nobly live: and therefore began to train me up for +higher things and gave me harder lessons. + + + + +_Chap. ii._: OF THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS THAT DIGNITY TO WHICH +SIMPLICISSIMUS ATTAINED, TO WHICH IS ADDED THE PRAISE OF SHEPHERDS AND +OTHER EXCELLENT PRECEPTS + +For he invested me with the highest dignity that could be found, not +only in his household, but in the whole world: namely, with the office +of a shepherd: for first he did entrust me with his swine, then his +goats, and then his whole flock of sheep, that I should keep and feed +the same, and by means of my bagpipe (of which Strabo writeth that in +Arabia its music alone doth fatten the sheep and lambs) protect them +from the wolf. Then was I like to David (save that he in place of the +bagpipe had but a harp), which was no bad beginning for me, but a good +omen that in time, if I had any manner of luck, I should become a +famous man: for from the beginning of the world high personages have +been shepherds, as we read in Holy Writ of Abel, Abraham, Isaac, +Jacob, and his sons: yea, of Moses also, which must first keep his +father-in-law his sheep before he was made law-giver and ruler over six +hundred thousand men in Israel. + +And now may some man say these were holy and godly men, and no Spessart +peasant-lads knowing nought of God? Which I must confess: yet why +should my then innocence be laid to my charge? Yet, among the heathen +of old time you will find examples as many as among God's chosen folk. +So among the Romans were noble families that without doubt were called +Bubulci, Vituli, Vitellii, Caprae, and so forth, because they had to do +with the cattle so named, and 'tis like had even herded them. 'Tis +certain Romulus and Remus were shepherds, and Spartacus that made the +whole Roman world to tremble. What! was not Paris, King Priam's son, a +shepherd, and Anchises the Trojan prince, Aeneas's father? The +beautiful Endymion, of whom the chaste Luna was enamoured, was a +shepherd, and so too the grisly Polypheme. Yea, the gods themselves +were not ashamed of this trade: Apollo kept the kine of Admetus, King +of Thessaly; Mercurius and his son Daphnis, Pan and Proteus, were all +mighty shepherds: and therefore be they still called by our fantastic +poets the patrons of herdsmen. Mesha, King of Moab, as we do read in II +Kings, was a sheep-master; Cyrus, the great King of Persia, was not +only reared by Mithridates, a shepherd, but himself did keep sheep; +Gyges was first a herdsman, and then by the power of a ring became a +king; and Ismael Sophi, a Persian king, did in his youth likewise herd +cattle. So that Philo, the Jew, doth excellently deal with the matter +in his life of Moses when he saith the shepherd's trade is a +preparation and a beginning for the ruling of men, for as men are +trained and exercised for the wars in hunting, so should they that are +intended for government first be reared in the gentle and kindly duty +of a shepherd: all which my dad doubtless did understand: yea, to know +it doth to this hour give me no little hope of my future greatness. + +But to come back to my flock. Ye must know that I knew as little of +wolves as of mine own ignorance, and therefore was my dad the more +diligent with his lessons: and "lad," says he, "have a care; let not +the sheep run far from each other, and play thy bagpipe manfully lest +the wolf come and do harm, for 'tis a four-legged knave and a thief +that eateth man and beast, and if thou beest anyways negligent he will +dust thy jacket for thee." To which I answered with like courtesy, +"Daddy, tell me how a wolf looks: for such I never saw yet." "O thou +silly blockhead," quoth he, "all thy life long wilt thou be a fool: +thou art already a great looby and yet knowest not what a four-legged +rogue a wolf is." And more lessons did he give me, and at last grew +angry and went away, as bethinking him that my thick wit could not +comprehend his nice instruction. + + + + +_Chap. iii._: TREATS OF THE SUFFERINGS OF A FAITHFUL BAGPIPE + + +So I began to make such ado with my bagpipe and such noise that 'twas +enough to poison all the toads in the garden, and so methought I was +safe enough from the wolf that was ever in my mind: and remembering me +of my mammy (for so they do use to call their mothers in the Spessart +and the Vogelsberg) how she had often said the fowls would some time or +other die of my singing, I fell upon the thought to sing the more, and +so make my defence against the wolf stronger; and so I sang this which +I had learned from my mammy: + + 1. O peasant race so much despised, + How greatly art thou to be priz'd? + Yea, none thy praises can excel, + If men would only mark thee well. + 2. How would it with the world now stand + Had Adam never till'd the land? + With spade and hoe he dug the earth + From whom our princes have their birth. + 3. Whatever earth doth bear this day + Is under thine high rule and sway, + And all that fruitful makes the land + Is guided by thy master hand. + 4. The emperor whom God doth give + Us to protect, thereby doth live: + So doth the soldier: though his trade + To thy great loss and harm be made. + 5. Meat for our feasts thou dost provide: + Our wine by thee too is supplied: + Thy plough can force the earth to give + That bread whereby all men must live. + 6. All waste the earth and desert were + Didst thou not ply thy calling there: + Sad day shall that for all be found + When peasants cease to till the ground. + 7. So hast thou right to laud and praise, + For thou dost feed us all our days. + Nature herself thee well doth love, + And God thy handiwork approve. + 8. Whoever yet on earth did hear + Of peasant that the gout did fear; + That fell disease which rich men dread, + Whereby is many a noble dead. + 9. From all vainglory art thou free + (As in these days thou well mayst be), + And lest thou shouldst through pride have loss, + God bids thee daily bear thy cross. + 10. Yea, even the soldier's wicked will + May work thee great advantage still: + For lest thou shouldst to pride incline, + "Thy goods and house," saith he, "are mine." + +So far and no further could I get with my song: for in a moment was I +surrounded, sheep and all, by a troop of cuirassiers that had lost +their way in the thick wood and were brought back to their right path +by my music and my calls to my flock. "Aha," quoth I to myself, "these +be the right rogues! these be the four-legged knaves and thieves +whereof thy dad did tell thee!" For at first I took horse and man (as +did the Americans the Spanish cavalry) to be but one beast, and could +not but conceive these were the wolves; and so would sound the retreat +for these horrible centaurs and send them a-flying: but scarce had I +blown up my bellows to that end when one of them catches me by the +shoulder and swings me up so roughly upon a spare farm horse they had +stolen with other booty that I must needs fall on the other side, and +that too upon my dear bagpipe, which began so miserably to scream as it +would move all the world to pity: which availed nought, though it +spared not its last breath in the bewailing of my sad fate. To horse +again I must go, it mattered not what my bagpipe did sing or say: yet +what vexed me most was that the troopers said I had hurt my dear +bagpipe, and therefore it had made so heathenish an outcry. So away my +horse went with me at a good trot, like the "primum mobile," for my +dad's farm. + +Now did strange and fantastic imaginings fill my brain; for I did +conceive, because I sat upon such a beast as I had never before seen, +that I too should be changed into an iron man. And because such a +change came not, there arose in me other foolish fantasies: for I +thought these strange creatures were but there to help me drive my +sheep home; for none strayed from the path, but all, with one accord, +made for my dad's farm. So I looked anxiously when my dad and my mammy +should come out to bid us welcome: which yet came not: for they and our +Ursula, which was my dad's only daughter, had found the back-door open +and would not wait for their guests. + + + + +_Chap. iv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS'S PALACE WAS STORMED, PLUNDERED, AND +RUINATED, AND IN WHAT SORRY FASHION THE SOLDIERS KEPT HOUSE THERE + + +Although it was not my intention to take the peace-loving reader with +these troopers to my dad's house and farm, seeing that matters will go +ill therein, yet the course of my history demands that I should leave +to kind posterity an account of what manner of cruelties were now and +again practised in this our German war: yea, and moreover testify by my +own example that such evils must often have been sent to us by the +goodness of Almighty God for our profit. For, gentle reader, who would +ever have taught me that there was a God in Heaven if these soldiers +had not destroyed my dad's house, and by such a deed driven me out +among folk who gave me all fitting instruction thereupon? Only a little +while before, I neither knew nor could fancy to myself that there were +any people on earth save only my dad, my mother and me, and the rest of +our household, nor did I know of any human habitation but that where I +daily went out and in. But soon thereafter I understood the way of +men's coming into this world, and how they must leave it again. I was +only in shape a man and in name a Christian: for the rest I was but a +beast. Yet the Almighty looked upon my innocence with a pitiful eye, +and would bring me to a knowledge both of Himself and of myself. And +although He had a thousand ways to lead me thereto, yet would He +doubtless use that one only by which my dad and my mother should be +punished: and that for an example to all others by reason of their +heathenish upbringing of me. + +The first thing these troopers did was, that they stabled their horses: +thereafter each fell to his appointed task: which task was neither more +nor less than ruin and destruction. For though some began to slaughter +and to boil and to roast so that it looked as if there should be a +merry banquet forward, yet others there were who did but storm through +the house above and below stairs. Others stowed together great parcels +of cloth and apparel and all manner of household stuff, as if they +would set up a frippery market. All that they had no mind to take with +them they cut in pieces. Some thrust their swords through the hay and +straw as if they had not enough sheep and swine to slaughter: and some +shook the feathers out of the beds and in their stead stuffed in bacon +and other dried meat and provisions as if such were better and softer +to sleep upon. Others broke the stove and the windows as if they had a +never-ending summer to promise. Houseware of copper and tin they beat +flat, and packed such vessels, all bent and spoiled, in with the rest. +Bedsteads, tables, chairs, and benches they burned, though there lay +many cords of dry wood in the yard. Pots and pipkins must all go to +pieces, either because they would eat none but roast flesh, or because +their purpose was to make there but a single meal. + +Our maid was so handled in the stable that she could not come out; +which is a shame to tell of. Our man they laid bound upon the ground, +thrust a gag into his mouth, and poured a pailful of filthy water into +his body: and by this, which they called a Swedish draught, they forced +him to lead a party of them to another place where they captured men +and beasts, and brought them back to our farm, in which company were my +dad, my mother, and our Ursula. + +And now they began: first to take the flints out of their pistols and +in place of them to jam the peasants' thumbs in and so to torture the +poor rogues as if they had been about the burning of witches: for one +of them they had taken they thrust into the baking oven and there lit a +fire under him, although he had as yet confessed no crime: as for +another, they put a cord round his head and so twisted it tight with a +piece of wood that the blood gushed from his mouth and nose and ears. +In a word, each had his own device to torture the peasants, and each +peasant his several torture. But as it seemed to me then, my dad was +the luckiest, for he with a laughing face confessed what others must +out with in the midst of pains and miserable lamentations: and such +honour without doubt fell to him because he was the householder. For +they set him before a fire and bound him fast so that he could neither +stir hand nor foot, and smeared the soles of his feet with wet salt, +and this they made our old goat lick off, and so tickle him that he +well nigh burst his sides with laughing. And this seemed to me so merry +a thing that I must needs laugh with him for the sake of fellowship, or +because I knew no better. In the midst of such laughter he must needs +confess all that they would have of him, and indeed revealed to them a +secret treasure, which proved far richer in pearls, gold, and trinkets +than any would have looked for among peasants. Of the women, girls, and +maidservants whom they took, I have not much to say in particular, for +the soldiers would not have me see how they dealt with them. Yet this I +know, that one heard some of them scream most piteously in divers +corners of the house; and well I can judge it fared no better with my +mother and our Ursel than with the rest. Yet in the midst of all this +miserable ruin I helped to turn the spit, and in the afternoon to give +the horses drink, in which employ I encountered our maid in the stable, +who seemed to me wondrously tumbled, so that I knew her not, but with a +weak voice she called to me, "O lad, run away, or the troopers will +have thee away with them. Look to it well that thou get hence: thou +seest in what plight ..." And more she could not say. + + + + +_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK FRENCH LEAVE, AND HOW HE WAS +TERRIFIED BY DEAD TREES + + +Now did I begin to consider and to ponder upon my unhappy condition and +prospects, and to think how I might best help myself out of my plight. +For whither should I go? Here indeed my poor wits were far too slender +to devise a plan. Yet they served me so far that towards evening I ran +into the woods. But then whither was I to go further? for the ways of +the wood were as little known to me as the passage beyond Nova Zembla +through the Arctic Ocean to China. 'Tis true the pitch-dark night was +my protection: yet to my dark wits it seemed not dark enough; so I did +hide myself in a close thicket wherein I could hear both the shrieks of +the tortured peasants and the song of the nightingales; which birds +regarded not the peasants either to show compassion for them or to stop +their sweet song for their sakes: and so I laid myself, as free from +care, upon one ear, and fell asleep. But when the morning star began to +glimmer in the East I could see my poor dad's house all aflame, yet +none that sought to stop the fire: so I betook myself thither in hopes +to have some news of my dad; whereupon I was espied by five troopers, +of whom one holloaed to me, "Come hither, boy, or I will shoot thee +dead." + +But I stood stock-still and open-mouthed, as knowing not what he meant +or would have; and I standing there and gaping upon them like a cat at +a new barn-door, and they, by reason of a morass between, not being +able to come at me, which vexed them mightily, one discharged his +carbine at me: at which sudden flame of fire and unexpected noise, +which the echo, repeating it many times, made more dreadful, I was so +terrified that forthwith I fell to the ground, and for terror durst not +move a finger, though the troopers went their way and doubtless left me +for dead; nor for that whole day had I spirit to rise up. But night +again overtaking me, I stood up and wandered away into the woods until +I saw afar off a dead tree that shone: and this again wrought in me a +new fear: wherefore I turned me about post-haste and ran till I saw +another such tree, from which I hurried away again, and in this manner +spent the night running from one dead tree to another. At last came +blessed daylight to my help, and bade those trees leave me untroubled +in its presence: yet was I not much the better thereby; for my heart +was full of fear and dread, my brain of foolish fancies, and my legs of +weariness, my belly of hunger, and mine eyes of sleep. So I went on and +on and knew not whither; yet the further I went the thicker grew the +wood and the greater the distance from all human kind. So now I came to +my senses, and perceived (yet without knowing it) the effect of +ignorance and want of knowledge: for if an unreasoning beast had been +in my place he would have known what to do for his sustenance better +than I. Yet I had wit enough when darkness again overtook me to creep +into a hollow tree and there take up my quarters for the night. + + + + +_Chap. vi._: IS SO SHORT AND SO PRAYERFUL THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS THEREUPON +SWOONS AWAY + + +But hardly had I composed myself to sleep when I heard a voice that +cried aloud, "O wondrous love towards us thankless mortals! O mine only +comfort, my hope, my riches, my God!" and more of the same sort, all of +which I could not hear or understand. Yet these were surely words which +should rightly have cheered, comforted, and delighted every Christian +soul that should find itself in such a plight as did I. But O +simplicity! O ignorance! 'Twas all gibberish[1] to me, and all in an +unknown tongue out of which I could make nothing: yea, was rather +terrified by its strangeness. Yet when I heard how the hunger and +thirst of him that spake should be satisfied, my unbearable hunger did +counsel me to join myself to him as a guest. So I plucked up heart to +come out of my hollow tree and to draw nigh to the voice I had heard, +where I was ware of a tall man with long greyish hair which fell in +confusion over his shoulders: a tangled beard he had shapen like to a +Swiss cheese; his face yellow and thin yet kindly enough, and his long +gown made up of more than a thousand pieces of cloth of all sorts sewn +together one upon another. Round his neck and body he had wound a heavy +iron chain like St. William,[2] and in other ways seemed in mine eyes +so grisly and terrible that I began to shake like a wet dog. But what +made my fear greater was that he did hug to his breast a crucifix some +six spans long. So I could fancy nought else but that this old grey man +must be the Wolf of whom my dad had of late told me: and in my fear I +whipped out my bagpipe, which, as mine only treasure, I had saved from +the troopers, and blowing up the sack, tuned up and made a mighty noise +to drive away that same grisly wolf: at which sudden and unaccustomed +music in that lonely place the hermit was at first no little dismayed, +deeming, without doubt, 'twas a devil come to terrify him and so +disturb his prayers, as happened to the great St. Anthony. But +presently recovering himself, he mocked at me as his tempter in the +hollow tree, whither I had retired myself: nay, plucked up such heart +that he advanced upon me to defy the enemy of mankind. + +"Aha!" says he, "thou art a proper fellow enough, to tempt saints +without God's leave": and more than that I heard not: for his approach +caused in me such fear and trembling that I lost my senses and fell +forthwith into a swoon. + + + + +_Chap. vii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS IN A POOR LODGING KINDLY ENTREATED + + +After what manner I was helped to myself again I know not; only this, +that the old man had my head on his breast and my jacket open in front, +when I came to my senses. But when I saw the hermit so close to me I +raised such a hideous outcry as if he would have torn the heart out of +my body. Then said he, "My son, hold thy peace: be content: I do thee +no harm." Yet the more he comforted me and soothed me the more I cried, +"Oh, thou eatest me! Oh! thou eatest me: thou art the wolf and wilt eat +me." "Nay, nay," said he, "my son, be at peace: I eat thee not." + +This contention lasted long, till at length I let myself so far be +persuaded as to go into his hut with him, wherein was poverty the +housekeeper, hunger the cook, and want clerk of the kitchen: there was +my belly cheered with herbs and a draught of water, and my mind, which +was altogether distraught, again brought to right reason by the old +man's comfortable kindness. Thereafter then I easily allowed myself to +be enticed by the charm of sweet slumber to pay my debt to nature. Now +when the hermit perceived my need of sleep he left me to occupy my +place in his hut alone: for one only could lie therein. So about +midnight I awoke again and heard him sing the song which followeth +here, which I afterwards did learn by heart. + + "Come, joy of night, O nightingale: + Take up, take up thy cheerful tale; + Sing sweet and loud and long. + Come praise thine own Creator blest, + When other birds are gone to rest, + And now have hushed their song. + + (Chorus) "With thy voice loud rejoice; + For so thou best canst shew thy love + To God who reigns in heaven above. + + "For though the light of day be flown, + And we in darkness dwell alone, + Yet can we chant and sing + Of God his power and God his might: + Nor darkness hinders us nor night + Our praises so to bring. + Echo the wanderer makes reply + And when thou singst will still be by + And still repeat thy strain. + All weariness she drives afar + And sloth to which we prisoners are, + And mocks at slumber's chain. + The stars that stand in heaven above, + Do shew to God their praise and love + And honour to Him bring; + And owls by nature reft of song + Yet shew with cries the whole night long + Their love to God the king. + Come hither then, sweet bird of night, + For we will share no sluggard's plight + Nor sleep away the hours; + But, till the rosy break of day + Chase from these woods the night away, + God's praise shall still be ours." + +Now while this song did last it seemed to me as if nightingale, owl, +and echo had of a truth joined therein, and had I ever heard the +morning star or had been able to play its melody on my bagpipe, I had +surely run out of the hut to take my trick also, so sweet did this +harmony seem to me: yet I fell asleep again and woke not till day was +far advanced, when the hermit stood before me and said, "Up, child, I +will give thee to eat and thereafter shew thee the way through the +wood, so that thou comest to where people dwell, and also before night +to the nearest village." + +So I asked him, what be these things, "people" and "village"? + +"What," says he, "hast never been in any village and knowest not what +people or folks be?" + +"Nay," said I, "nowhere save here have I been: yet tell me what be +these things, folk and people and village." + +"God save us," answered the hermit, "art thou demented or very +cunning?" + +"Nay," said I, "I am my mammy's and dad's boy, and neither Master +Demented nor Master Cunning." + +Then the hermit shewed his amazement with sighs and crossing of +himself, and says he, "'Tis well, dear child, I am determined if God +will better to instruct thee." + +So then our questions and answers fell out as the ensuing chapter +sheweth. + + + + +_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BY HIS NOBLE DISCOURSE PROCLAIMED HIS +EXCELLENT QUALITIES + +Hermit. What is thy name? + +Simplicissimus. My name is "Lad." + +H. I can see well enough that thou art no girl: but how did thy father +and mother call thee? + +S. I never had either father or mother. + +H. Who gave thee then thy shirt? + +S. Oho! Why, my mammy. + +H. What did thy mother call thee? + +S. She called me "Lad," ay, and "rogue, silly gaby, and gallowsbird." + +H. Who, then, was thy mammy's husband? + +S. No one. + +H. With whom, then, did thy mammy sleep at night? + +S. With my dad. + +H. What did thy dad call thee? + +S. He called me "Lad." + +H. What was his name? + +S. His name was Dad. + +H. What did thy mammy call him? + +S. Dad, and sometimes also "Master." + +H. Did she never call him aught besides? + +S. Yea, that did she. + +H. And what then? + +S. "Beast," "coarse brute," "drunken pig," and other the like, when she +would scold him. + +H. Thou beest but an ignorant creature, that knowest not thy parents' +name nor thine own. + +S. Oho! neither dost thou know it. + +H. Canst thou say thy prayers? + +S. Nay, my mammy and our Ursel did uprear the beds. + +H. I ask thee not that, but whether thou knowest thy Paternoster? + +S. That do I. + +H. Say it then. + +S. Our father which art heaven, hallowed be name, to thy kingdom come, +thy will come down on earth as it says heaven, give us debts as we give +our debtors: lead us not into no temptation, but deliver us from the +kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen. + +H. God help us! Knowest thou naught of our Blessed Lord God? + +S. Yea, yea: 'tis he that stood by our chamber-door; my mammy brought +him home from the church feast and stuck him up there. + +H. O Gracious God, now for the first time do I perceive what a great +favour and benefit it is when Thou impartest knowledge of Thyself, and +how naught a man is to whom Thou givest it not! O Lord, vouchsafe to me +so to honour Thy holy name that I be worthy to be as zealous in my +thanks for this great grace as Thou hast been liberal in the granting +of it. Hark now, Simplicissimus (for I can call thee by no other name), +when thou sayest thy Paternoster, thou must say this: "Our Father which +art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name: Thy kingdom come: Thy will be done +in earth as it is in heaven: give us this day our daily bread ..." + +S. Oho there! ask for cheese too! + +H. Ah, dear child, keep silence and learn that thou needest more than +cheese: thou art indeed loutish, as thy mammy told thee: 'tis not the +part of lads like thee to interrupt an old man, but to be silent, to +listen, and to learn. Did I but know where thy parents dwelt, I would +fain bring thee to them, and then teach them how to bring up children. + +S. I know not whither to go. Our house is burnt, and my mammy ran off +and was fetched back with our Ursula, and my dad too, and our maid was +sick and lying in the stable. + +H. And who did burn the house? + +S. Aha! there came iron men that sat on things as big as oxen, yet +having no horns: which same men did slaughter sheep and cows and swine, +and so I ran too, and then was the house burnt. + +H. Where was thy dad then? + +S. Aha! the iron men tied him up and our old goat was set to lick his +feet. So he must needs laugh, and give the iron men many silver +pennies, big and little, and fair yellow things and some that +glittered, and fine strings full of little white balls. + +H. And when did this come to pass? + +S. Why, even when I should have been keeping of sheep: yea, and they +would even take from me my bagpipe. + +H. But when was it that thou shouldst have been keeping sheep? + +S. What, canst thou not hear? Even then when the iron men came: and +then our Anna bade me run away, or the soldiers would carry me off: and +by that she meant the iron men: so I ran off and so I came hither. + +H. And whither wilt thou now? + +S. Truly I know not: I will stay here with thee. + +H. Nay, to keep thee here is not to the purpose, either for me or thee. +Eat now; and presently I will bring thee where people are. + +S. Oho! tell me now what manner of things be "people." + +H. People be mankind like me and thee: thy dad, thy mammy, and your Ann +be mankind, and when there be many together then are they called +people: and now go thou and eat. + +So was our discourse, in which the hermit often gazed on me with +deepest sighs: I know not whether 'twas so because he had great +compassion on my simplicity and ignorance, or from that cause, which I +learned not until some years later. + + + + +_Chap. ix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHANGED FROM A WILD BEAST INTO A +CHRISTIAN + + +So I began to eat and ceased to prattle; all which lasted no longer +than till I had appeased mine hunger: for then the good hermit bade me +begone. Then must I seek out the most flattering words which my rough +country upbringing afforded me, and all to this end, to move the hermit +that he should keep me with him. Now though of a certainty it must have +vexed him greatly to endure my troublesome presence, yet did he resolve +to suffer me to be with him; and that more to instruct me in the +Christian religion, than because he would have my service in his +approaching old age: yet was this his greatest anxiety, lest my tender +youth should not endure for long such a hard way of living as was his. + +A space of some three weeks was my year of probation: in which three +weeks St. Gertrude[3] was at war with the gardeners: so was it my lot +to be inducted into the profession of these last: and therein I carried +myself so well that the good hermit took an especial pleasure in me, +and that not so much for my work's sake (whereunto I was before well +trained) but because he saw that I myself was as ready greedily to +hearken to his instructions as the waxen, soft, and yet smooth tablet +of my mind shewed itself ready to receive such. For such reasons he was +the more zealous to bring me to the knowledge of all good things. So he +began his instruction from the fall of Lucifer: thence came he to the +Garden of Eden, and when we were thrust out thence with our first +parents, he passed through the law of Moses and taught me, by the means +of the ten commandments and their explications--of which commandments +he would say that they were a true measure to know the will of God, and +thereby to lead a life holy and well pleasing to God--to discern virtue +from vice, to do the good and to avoid the evil. At the end of all he +came to the Gospel and told me of Christ's Birth, Sufferings, Death, +and Resurrection: and then concluded all with the Judgment Day, and so +set Heaven and hell before my eyes: and this all with befitting +circumstance, yet not with superfluity of words, but as it seemed to +him I could best comprehend and understand. So when he had ended one +matter he began another, and therewithal contrived with all patience so +to shape himself to answer my questions, and so to deal with me, that +better he could not have shed the light of truth into my heart. Yet +were his life and his speech for me an everlasting preaching: and this +my mind, all wooden and dull as it was, yet by God's grace left not +fruitless. So that in three weeks did I not only understand all that a +Christian should know, but was possessed with such love for this +teaching that I could not sleep at night for thinking thereon. + +I have since pondered much upon this matter and have found that +Aristotle, in his second book "Of the Soul," did put it well, whereas +he compared the soul of a man to a blank unwritten tablet, whereon one +could write what he would, and concluded that all such was decreed by +the Creator of the world, in order that such blank tablets might by +industrious impression and exercise be marked, and so be brought to +completeness and perfection. And so saith also his commentator Averroes +(upon that passage where the Philosopher saith that the Intellect is +but a possibility which can be brought into activity by naught else +than by Scientia or Knowledge: which is to say that man's understanding +is capable of all things, yet can be brought to such knowledge only by +constant exercise), and giveth this plain decision: namely, that this +knowledge or exercise is the perfecting of souls which have no power at +all in them selves. And this doth Cicero confirm in his second book of +the "Tusculan Disputations," when he compares the soul of a man without +instruction, knowledge, and exercise, to a field which, albeit fruitful +by nature, yet if no man till it or sow it will bring forth no fruit. + +And all this did I prove by my own single example: for that I so soon +understood all that the pious hermit shewed to me arose from this +cause: that he found the smooth tablet of my soul quite empty and +without any imaginings before entered thereupon, which might well have +hindered the impress of others thereafter. Yet in spite of all, that +pure simplicity (in comparison with other men's ways) hath ever clung +to me: and therefore did the hermit (for neither he nor I knew my right +name) ever call me Simplicissimus. Withal I learned to pray, and when +the good hermit had resolved himself to satisfy my earnest desire to +abide with him, we built for me a hut like to his own, of wood, twigs +and earth, shaped well nigh as the musqueteer shapes his tent in camp +or, to speak more exactly, as the peasant in some places shapes his +turnip-hod, so low, in truth, that I could hardly sit upright therein; +my bed was of dried leaves and grass, and just so large as the hut +itself, so that I know not whether to call such a dwelling-place or +hole, a covered bedstead or a hut. + + + + +_Chap. x._: IN WHAT MANNER HE LEARNED TO READ AND WRITE IN THE WILD +WOODS + + +Now when first I saw the hermit read the Bible, I could not conceive +with whom he should speak so secretly and, as I thought, so earnestly; +for well I saw the moving of his lips, yet no man that spake with him: +and though I knew naught of reading or writing, nevertheless I marked +by his eyes that he had to do with somewhat in the said book. So I +marked where he kept it, and when he had laid it aside I crept thither +and opened it, and at the first assay lit upon the first chapter of Job +and the picture that stood at the head thereof, which was a fine +woodcut and fairly painted: so I began to ask strange questions of the +figures, and when they gave me no answer waxed impatient, and even as +the hermit came up behind me, "Ye little clowns," said I, "have ye no +mouths any longer? Could ye not even now prate away long enough with my +father (for so must I call my hermit)? I see well enough that ye are +driving away the gaffer's sheep and burning of his house: wait awhile +and I will quench your fire for ye," and with that rose up to fetch +water, for there seemed to me present need of it. Then said the hermit, +who I knew not was behind me: "Whither away, Simplicissimus?" "O +father," says I, "here be more soldiers that will drive off sheep: they +do take them from that poor man with whom thou didst talk: and here is +his house a-burning, and if I quench it not 'twill be consumed": and +with that I pointed with my finger to what I saw. "But stay," quoth the +hermit, "for these figures be not alive;" to which I, with rustic +courtesy, answered him: "What, beest thou blind? Do thou keep watch +lest that they drive the sheep away while I do seek for water." "Nay," +quoth he again, "but they be not alive; they be made only to call up +before our eyes things that happened long ago." "How;" said I, "thou +didst even now talk with them: how then can they be not alive?" At that +the hermit must, against his will and contrary to his habit, laugh: and +"Dear child," says he, "these figures cannot talk: but what they do and +what they are, that can I see from these black lines, and that do men +call reading. And when I thus do read, thou conceivest that I speak +with the figures: but 'tis not so." + +Yet I answered him: "If I be a man as thou art, so must I likewise be +able to see in these black lines what thou canst see: how then may I +understand thy words? Dear father, teach me in truth how to understand +this matter." + +So said he: "'Tis well, my son, and I will teach thee so that thou +mayest speak with these figures as well as I: only 'twill need time, in +which I must have patience and thou industry." + +With that he wrote me down an alphabet on birchbark, formed like print, +and when I knew the letters, I learned to spell, and thereafter to +read, and at last to write better than could the hermit himself; for I +imitated print in everything. + + + + +_Chap. xi._: DISCOURSETH OF FOODS, HOUSEHOLD STUFF, AND OTHER NECESSARY +CONCERNS, WHICH FOLK MUST HAVE IN THIS EARTHLY LIFE + + +In that wood did I abide for about two years, until the hermit died, +and after his death somewhat longer than a half-year. And therefore it +seemeth me good to tell to the curious reader, who often desireth to +know even the smallest matters, of our doings, our ways and works, and +how we spent our life. + +Now our food was vegetables of all kinds, turnips, cabbage, beans, +pease, and the like: nor did we despise beech-nuts, wild apples, pears, +and cherries: yea, and our hunger often made even acorns savoury to us; +our bread or, to say more truly, our cakes, we baked on hot ashes, and +they were made of Italian rye beaten fine. In winter we would catch +birds with springes and snares; but in spring and summer God bestowed +upon us young fledglings from their nest. Often must we make out with +snails and frogs: and so was fishing, both with net and line, +convenient to us: for close to our dwelling there flowed a brook, full +of fish and crayfish, all which did help to make our rough vegetable +diet palatable. Once on a time did we catch a young wild pig, and this +we penned in a stall, and did feed him with acorns and beech-nuts, so +fatted him and at last did eat him; for my hermit knew it could be no +sin to eat that which God hath created to such end for the whole human +race. + +Of salt we needed but little and spices not at all: for we might not +arouse our desire to drink, seeing that we had no cellar: what little +salt we wanted a good pastor furnished us who dwelt some fifteen miles +away from us, and of whom I shall yet have much to tell. + +Now as concerns our household stuff, we had enough: for we had a +shovel, a pick, an axe, a hatchet, and an iron pot for cooking, which +was indeed not our own, but lent to us by the said pastor: each of us +had an old blunt knife, which same were our own possessions, and no +more: more than that needed we naught, neither dishes, plates, +spoons, nor forks: neither kettles, frying-pans, gridirons, spits, +salt-cellars, no, nor any other table and kitchen ware: for our iron +pot was our dish, our hands our forks and spoons: and if we would +drink, we could do so through a pipe from the spring or else we dipped +our mouths like Gideon's soldiers. Then for garments: of wool, of silk, +of cotton, and of linen, as for beds, table-covers, and tapestries, we +had none save what we wore upon our bodies: for we deemed it enough if +we could shield ourselves from rain and frost. At other times we kept +no rule or order in our household, save on Sundays and holy-days, at +which time we would start on our way at midnight, so that we might come +early enough to escape men's notice, to the said pastor's church, which +was a little away from the village, and there might attend service. +When we came thither we betook ourselves to the broken organ, from +which place we could see both altar and pulpit: and when I first saw +the pastor go up to the pulpit I asked my hermit what he would do in +that great tub! So, service finished, we went home as secretly as we +had come, and when we found ourselves once more at home, with weary +body and weary feet, then did we eat foul food with fair appetite: then +would the hermit spend the rest of the day in praying and in the +instructing of me in holy things. + +On working days we would do that which seemed most necessary to do, +according as it happened, and as such was required by the time of year +and by our needs: now would we work in the garden: another time we +gathered together the rich mould in shady places and out of hollow +trees to improve our garden therewith in place of dung; again we would +weave baskets or fishing-nets or chop firewood, or go a-fishing, or do +aught to banish idleness. Yet among all these occupations did the good +hermit never cease to instruct me faithfully in all good things: and +meanwhile did I learn, in such a hard life, to endure hunger, thirst, +heat, cold, and great labour, and before all things to know God and how +one should serve Him best, which was the chiefest thing of all. And +indeed my faithful hermit would have me know no more, for he held it +was enough for any Christian to attain his end and aim, if he did but +constantly pray and work: so it came about that, though I was pretty +well instructed in ghostly matters, and knew my Christian belief well +enough, and could speak the German language as well as a talking +spelling-book, yet I remained the most simple lad in the world: so that +when I left the wood I was such a poor, sorry creature that no dog +would have left his bone to run after me. + + + + +_Chap. xii._: TELLS OF A NOTABLE FINE WAY, TO DIE HAPPY AND TO HAVE +ONESELF BURIED AT SMALL COST + + +So had I spent two years or thereabouts, and had scarce grown +accustomed to the hard life of a hermit, when one day my best friend on +earth took his pick, gave me the shovel, and led me by the hand, +according to his daily custom, to our garden, where we were wont to say +our prayers. + +"Now Simplicissimus, dear child," said he, "inasmuch as, God be +praised, the time is at hand when I must part from this earth and must +pay the debt of nature, and leave thee behind me in this world, and +whereas I do partly foresee the future course of thy life and do know +well that thou wilt not long abide in this wilderness, therefore did I +desire to strengthen thee in the way of virtue which thou hast entered +on, and to give thee some lessons for thy instruction by means of which +thou shouldest so rule thy life that, as though by an unfailing clue, +thou mightest find thy way to eternal happiness, and so with all elect +saints mightest be found worthy for ever to behold the face of God in +that other life." + +These words did drown mine eyes in tears, even as once the enemy's +device did drown the town of Villingen; in a word, they were so +terrible that I could not endure them, but said: "Beloved father, wilt +thou then leave me alone in this wild wood? Must I then ...?" And more +I could not say, for my heart's sorrow was, by reason of the +overflowing love which I bore to my true father, so grievous that I +sank at his feet as if I were dead. Yet did he raise me up and comfort +me so far as time and opportunity did allow, and would shew me mine own +error, in that he asked, would I rebel against the decree of the +Almighty? "and knowest thou not," says he, "that neither heaven nor +hell can do that? Nay, nay, my son! Why dost thou propose further to +burden my weak body, which of itself is but desirous of rest? Thinkest +thou to force me to sojourn longer in this vale of tears? Ah no, my +son, let me go, for in any case neither with lamentation and tears, nor +still less with my good will, canst thou compel me to dwell longer in +this misery when I am by God's express will called away therefrom: +instead of all this useless clamour, follow thou my last words, which +are these: the longer thou livest seek to know thyself the better, and +if thou live as long as Methuselah, yet let not such practice depart +from thy heart: for that most men do come to perdition this is the +cause--namely, that they know not what they have been and what they can +or must be." And further he exhorted me, I should at all times beware +of bad company: for the harm of that was unspeakable. Of that he gave +me an example, saying: "If thou puttest a drop of malmsey into a vessel +full of vinegar, forthwith it turns to vinegar: but if thou pour a drop +of vinegar into malmsey, that drop will disappear into the wine. +Beloved son, before all things be steadfast: for whoso endureth to the +end he shall be saved; but if it happen, contrary to my hopes, that +thou from human weakness dost fall, then by a fitting penitence raise +thyself up again." + +Now this careful and pious man gave me but this brief counsel, not +because he knew no more, but because in sober truth I seemed to him, by +reason of my youth, not able to comprehend more in such a case, and +again, because few words be better to hold in remembrance than long +discourse, and if they have pith and point do work greater good when +they be pondered on than any long sermon, which a man may well +understand as spoken and yet is wont presently to forget. And these +three points: to know oneself: to avoid bad company: and to stand +steadfast; this holy man, without doubt, deemed good and necessary +because he had made trial of them in his own case and had not found +them to fail: for, coming to know himself, he eschewed not only bad +company but that of the whole world, and in that plan did persevere to +the end, on which doubtless all salvation doth depend. + +So when he had thus spoken, he began with his mattock to dig his own +grave: and I helped as best I could in whatever way he bade me; yet did +I not conceive to what end all this was. Then said he: "My dear and +only true son (for besides thee I never begat creature for the honour +of our Creator), when my soul is gone to its own place, then do thy +duty to my body, and pay me the last honours: cover me up with these +same clods which we have even now dug from this pit." And thereupon he +took me in his arms and, kissing me, pressed me harder to his breast +than would seem possible for a man so weak as he appeared to be. And, +"Dear child," says he, "I commend thee to God his protection, and die +the more cheerfully because I hope He will receive thee therein." Yet +could I do naught but lament and cry, yea, did hang upon the chains +which he wore on his neck, and thought thereby to prevent him from +leaving me. But "My son," says he, "let me go, that I may see if the +grave be long enough for me." And therewith he laid aside the chains +together with his outer garment, and so entered the pit even as one +that will lie down to sleep, saying, "Almighty God, receive again the +soul that Thou hast given: Lord, into Thy hands I commend my spirit." +Thereupon did he calmly close his lips and his eyes: while I stood +there like a stockfish, and dreamt not that his dear soul could so have +left the body: for often I had seen him in such trances: and so now, as +was my wont in such a case, I waited there for hours praying by the +grave. But when my beloved hermit arose not again, I went down into the +grave to him and began to shake, to kiss, and to caress him: but there +was no life in him, for grim and pitiless death had robbed the poor +Simplicissimus of his holy companionship. Then did I bedew or, to say +better, did embalm with my tears his lifeless body, and when I had for +a long time run up and down with miserable cries, began to heap earth +upon him, with more sighs than shovelfuls: and hardly had I covered his +face when I must go down again and uncover it afresh that I might see +it and kiss it once more. And so I went on all day till I had finished, +and in this way ended all the funeral; an "exequiae" and "ludi +gladiatorii" wherein neither bier, coffin, pall, lights, bearers, nor +mourners were at hand, nor any clergy to sing over the dead. + + + + +_Chap. xiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS DRIVEN ABOUT LIKE A STRAW IN A +WHIRLPOOL + + +Now a few days after the hermit's decease I betook myself to the pastor +above mentioned and declared to him my master's death, and therewith +besought counsel from him how I should act in such a case. And though +he much dissuaded me from living longer in the forest, yet did I boldly +tread on in my predecessor's footsteps, inasmuch as for the whole +summer I did all that a holy monk should do. But as time changeth all +things, so by degrees the grief which I felt for my hermit grew less +and less, and the sharp cold of winter without quenched the heat of my +steadfast purpose within. And the more I began to falter the lazier did +I become in my prayers, for in place of dwelling ever upon godly and +heavenly thoughts, I let myself be overcome by the desire to see the +world: and inasmuch as for this purpose I could do no good in my +forest, I determined to go again to the said pastor and ask if he again +would counsel me to leave the wood. To that end I betook myself to his +village, which when I came thither I found in flames: for a party of +troopers had but now plundered and burned it, and of the peasants +killed some, driven some away, and some had made prisoners, among whom +was the pastor himself. Ah God, how full is man's life of care and +disappointment! Scarce hath one misfortune ended and lo! we are in +another. I wonder not that the heathen philosopher Timon set up many +gallows at Athens, whereon men might string themselves up, and so with +brief pain make an end to their wretched life. These troopers were even +now ready to march, and had the pastor fastened by a rope to lead him +away. Some cried, "Shoot him down, the rogue!" Others would have money +from him. But he, lifting up his hands to heaven, begged, for the sake +of the Last Judgment, for forbearance and Christian compassion, but in +vain; for one of them rode him down and dealt him such a blow on the +head that he fell flat, and commended his soul to God. Nor did the +remainder of the captured peasants fare any better. But even when it +seemed these troopers, in their cruel tyranny, had clean lost their +wits, came such a swarm of armed peasants out of the wood, that it +seemed a wasps'-nest had been stirred. And these began to yell so +frightfully and so furiously to attack with sword and musket that all +my hair stood on end; and never had I been at such a merrymaking +before: for the peasants of the Spessart and the Vogelsberg are as +little wont as are the Hessians and men of the Sauerland and the Black +Forest to let themselves be crowed over on their own dunghill. So away +went the troopers, and not only left behind the cattle they had +captured, but threw away bag and baggage also, and so cast all their +booty to the winds lest themselves should become booty for the +peasants: yet some of them fell into their hands. This sport took from +me well-nigh all desire to see the world, for I thought, if 'tis all +like this, then is the wilderness far more pleasant. Yet would I fain +hear what the pastor had to say of it, who was, by reason of wounds and +blows received, faint, weak, and feeble. Yet he made shift to tell me +he knew not how to help or advise me, since he himself was now in a +plight in which he might well have to seek his bread by begging, and if +I should remain longer in the woods, I could hope no more for help from +him; since, as I saw with my own eyes, both his church and his +parsonage were in flames. Thereupon I betook myself sorrowfully to my +dwelling in the wood, and because on this journey I had been but little +comforted, yet on the other hand had become more full of pious +thoughts, therefore I resolved never more to leave the wilderness: and +already I pondered whether it were not possible for me to live without +salt (which the pastor had until now furnished me with) and so do +without mankind altogether. + + + + +_Chap. xiv._: A QUAINT COMEDIA OF FIVE PEASANTS + + +So now that I might follow up my design and become a true anchorite, I +put on my hermit's hair-shirt which he had left me and girded me with +his chain over it: not indeed as if I needed it to mortify my unruly +flesh, but that I might be like to my fore-runner both in life and in +habit, and moreover might by such clothes be the better able to protect +myself against the rough cold of winter. But the second day after the +above-mentioned village had been plundered and burnt, as I was sitting +in my hut and praying, at the same time roasting carrots for my food +over the fire, there surrounded me forty or fifty musqueteers: and +these, though amazed at the strangeness of my person, yet ransacked my +hut, seeking what was not there to find: for nothing had I but books, +and these they threw this way and that as useless to them. But at last, +when they regarded me more closely and saw by my feathers what a poor +bird they had caught, they could easily reckon there was poor booty to +be found where I was. And much they wondered at my hard way of life, +and shewed great pity for my tender youth, specially their officer that +commanded them: for he shewed me respect, and earnestly besought me +that I would shew him and his men the way out of the wood wherein they +had long been wandering. Nor did I refuse, but led them the nearest way +to the village, even where the before-mentioned pastor had been so ill +handled; for I knew no other road. + +Now before we were out of the wood, we espied some ten peasants, of +whom part were armed with musquets, while the rest were busied with +burying something. So our musqueteers ran upon them, crying, "Stay! +stay!" But they answered with a discharge of shot, and when they saw +they were outnumbered by the soldiers, away they went so quick that +none of the musqueteers, being weary, could overtake them. So then they +would dig up again what the peasants had been burying: and that was the +easier because they had left the mattocks and spades which they used +lying there. But they had made few strokes with the pick when they +heard a voice from below crying out, "O ye wanton rogues, O ye worst of +villains, think ye that Heaven will leave your heathenish cruelty and +tricks unpunished? Nay, for there live yet honest fellows by whom your +barbarity shall be paid in such wise that none of your fellow men shall +think you worth even a kick of his foot." So the soldiers looked on one +another in amazement, and knew not what to do. For some thought they +had to deal with a ghost: to me it seemed I was dreaming: but the +officer bade them dig on stoutly. And presently they came to a cask, +which they burst open, and therein found a fellow that had neither nose +nor ears, and yet still lived. He, when he was somewhat revived, and +had recognised some of the troop, told them how on the day before, as +some of his regiment were a-foraging, the peasants had caught six of +them. And of these they first of all, about an hour before, had shot +five dead at once, making them stand one behind another; and because +the bullet, having already passed through five bodies, did not reach +him, who stood sixth and last, they had cut off his nose and ears, yet +before that had forced him to render to five of them the filthiest +service in the world.[4] But when he saw himself thus degraded by these +rogues without shame or knowledge of God, he had heaped upon them the +vilest reproaches, though they were willing now to let him go. Yet in +the hope one of them would from annoyance send a ball through his head, +he called them all by their right names: yet in vain. Only this, that +when he had thus chafed them they had clapped him in the cask here +present and buried him alive, saying, since he so desired death they +would not cheat him of his amusement. + +Now while the fellow thus lamented the torments he had endured, came +another party of foot-soldiers by a cross road through the wood, who +had met the abovementioned boors, caught five and shot the rest dead: +and among the prisoners were four to whom that maltreated trooper had +been forced to do that filthy service a little before. So now, when +both parties had found by their manner of hailing one another that they +were of the same army, they joined forces, and again must hear from the +trooper himself how it had fared with him and his comrades. And there +might any man tremble and quake to see how these same peasants were +handled: for some in their first fury would say, "Shoot them down," but +others said, "Nay: these wanton villains must we first properly +torment: yea, and make them to understand in their own bodies what they +have deserved as regards the person of this same trooper." And all the +time while this discussion proceeded these peasants received such +mighty blows in the ribs from the butts of their musquets that I +wondered they did not spit blood. But presently stood forth a soldier, +and said he: "You gentlemen, seeing that it is a shame to the whole +profession of arms that this rogue (and therewith he pointed to that +same unhappy trooper) have so shamefully submitted himself to the will +of five boors, it is surely our duty to wash out this spot of shame, +and compel these rogues to do the same shameful service for this +trooper which they forced him to do for them." But another said: "This +fellow is not worth having such honour done to him; for were he not a +poltroon surely he would not have done such shameful service, to the +shame of all honest soldiers, but would a thousand times sooner have +died." In a word, 'twas decided with one voice that each of the +captured peasants should do the same filthy service for ten soldiers +which their comrade had been forced to do, and each time should say, +"So do I cleanse and wash away the shame which these soldiers think +they have endured." + +Thereafter they would decide how they should deal with the peasants +when they had fulfilled this cleanly task, So presently they went to +work; but the peasants were so obstinate that neither by promise of +their lives nor by any torture could they be compelled thereto. Then +one took the fifth peasant, who had not maltreated the trooper, a +little aside, and says he: "If thou wilt deny God and all His saints, I +will let thee go whither thou wilt." Thereupon the peasant made reply, +"he had in all his life taken little count of saints, and had had but +little traffic with God," and added thereto with a solemn oath, "he +knew not God and had no art nor part in His kingdom." So then the +soldier sent a ball at his head: which worked as little harm as if it +had been shot at a mountain of steel. Then he drew out his hanger and +"Beest thou still here?" says he. "I promised to let thee go whither +thou wouldst: see now, I send thee to the kingdom of hell, since thou +wilt not to heaven": and so he split his head down to the teeth. And as +he fell, "So," said the soldier, "must a man avenge himself and punish +these loose rogues both in this world and the next." + +Meanwhile the other soldiers had the remaining four peasants to deal +with. These they bound, hands and feet together, over a fallen tree in +such wise that their back-sides (saving your presence) were uppermost. +Then they stript off their breeches, and took some yards of their +match-string and made knots in it, and fiddled them therewith so +mercilessly that the blood ran. So they cried out lamentably, but 'twas +but sport for the soldiers, who ceased not to saw away till skin and +flesh were clean sawn off the bones. Me they let go to my hut, for the +last-arrived party knew the way well. And so I know not how they +finished with the peasants. + + + + +_Chap. xv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PLUNDERED, AND HOW HE DREAMED OF +THE PEASANTS AND HOW THEY FARED IN TIMES OF WAR + + +Now when I came home I found that my fireplace and all my poor +furniture, together with my store of provisions, which I had grown +during the summer in my garden and had kept for the coming winter, were +all gone. "And whither now?" thought I. And then first did need teach +me heartily to pray: and I must summon all my small wits together, to +devise what I should do. But as my knowledge of the world was both +small and evil, I could come to no proper conclusion, only that 'twas +best to commend myself to God and to put my whole confidence in Him: +for otherwise I must perish. And besides all this those things which I +had heard and seen that day lay heavy on my mind: and I pondered not so +much upon my food and my sustenance as upon the enmity which there is +ever between soldiers and peasants. Yet could my foolish mind come to +no other conclusion than this--that there must of a surety be two races +of men in the world, and not one only, descended from Adam, but two, +wild and tame, like other unreasoning beasts, and therefore pursuing +one another so cruelly. + +With such thoughts I fell asleep, for mere misery and cold, with a +hungry stomach. Then it seemed to me, as if in a dream, that all the +trees which stood round my dwelling suddenly changed and took on +another appearance: for on every tree-top sat a trooper, and the trunks +were garnished, in place of leaves, with all manner of folk. Of these, +some had long lances, others musquets, hangers, halberts, flags, and +some drums and fifes. Now this was merry to see, for all was neatly +distributed and each according to his rank. The roots, moreover, were +made up of folk of little worth, as mechanics and labourers, mostly, +however, peasants and the like; and these nevertheless gave its +strength to the tree and renewed the same when it was lost: yea more, +they repaired the loss of any fallen leaves from among themselves to +their own great damage: and all the time they lamented over them that +sat on the tree, and that with good reason, for the whole weight of the +tree lay upon them and pressed them so that all the money was squeezed +out of their pockets, yea, though it was behind seven locks and keys: +but if the money would not out, then did the commissaries so handle +them with rods (which thing they call military execution) that sighs +came from their heart, tears from their eyes, blood from their nails, +and the marrow from their bones. Yet among these were some whom men +call light o' heart; and these made but little ado, took all with a +shrug, and in the midst of their torment had, in place of comfort, +mockery for every turn. + + + + +_Chap. xvi._: OF THE WAYS AND WORKS OF SOLDIERS NOWADAYS, AND HOW +HARDLY A COMMON SOLDIER CAN GET PROMOTION + + +So must the roots of these trees suffer and endure toil and misery in +the midst of trouble and complaint, and those upon the lower boughs in +yet greater hardship: yet were these last mostly merrier than the first +named, yea and moreover, insolent and swaggering, and for the most part +godless folk, and for the roots a heavy unbearable burden at all times. +And this was the rhyme upon them: + + "Hunger and thirst, and cold and heat, and work and woe, + and all we meet; + And deeds of blood and deeds of shame, all may ye put to + the landsknecht's name." + +Which rhymes were the less like to be lyingly invented in that they +answered to the facts. For gluttony and drunkenness, hunger and thirst, +wenching and dicing and playing, riot and roaring, murdering and being +murdered, slaying and being slain, torturing and being tortured, +hunting and being hunted, harrying and being harried, robbing and being +robbed, frighting and being frighted, causing trouble and suffering +trouble, beating and being beaten: in a word, hurting and harming, and +in turn being hurt and harmed--this was their whole life. And in this +career they let nothing hinder them: neither winter nor summer, snow +nor ice, heat nor cold, rain nor wind, hill nor dale, wet nor dry; +ditches, mountain-passes, ramparts and walls, fire and water, were all +the same to them. Father nor mother, sister nor brother, no, nor the +danger to their own bodies, souls, and consciences, nor even loss of +life and of heaven itself, or aught else that can be named, will ever +stand in their way, for ever they toil and moil at their own strange +work, till at last, little by little, in battles, sieges, attacks, +campaigns, yea, and in their winter quarters too (which are the +soldiers' earthly paradise, if they can but happen upon fat peasants) +they perish, they die, they rot and consume away, save but a few, who +in their old age, unless they have been right thrifty reivers and +robbers, do furnish us with the best of all beggars and vagabonds. + +Next above these hard-worked folk sat old henroost-robbers, who, after +some years and much peril of their lives, had climbed up the lowest +branches and clung to them, and so far had had the luck to escape +death. Now these looked more serious, and somewhat more dignified than +the lowest, in that they were a degree higher ascended: yet above them +were some yet higher, who had yet loftier imaginings because they had +to command the very lowest. And these people did call coat-beaters, +because they were wont to dust the jackets of the poor pikemen, and to +give the musqueteers oil enough to grease their barrels with. + +Just above these the trunk of the tree had an interval or stop, which +was a smooth place without branches, greased with all manner of +ointments and curious soap of disfavour, so that no man save of noble +birth could scale it, in spite of courage and skill and knowledge, God +knows how clever he might be. For 'twas polished as smooth as a marble +pillar or a steel mirror. Just over that smooth spot sat they with the +flags: and of these some were young, some pretty well in years: the +young folk their kinsmen had raised so far: the older people had either +mounted on a silver ladder which is called the Bribery Backstairs or +else on a step which Fortune, for want of a better client, had left for +them. A little further up sat higher folk, and these had also their +toil and care and annoyance: yet had they this advantage, that they +could fill their pokes with the fattest slices which they could +cut out of the roots, and that with a knife which they called +"War-contribution." And these were at their best and happiest when +there came a commissary-bird flying overhead, and shook out a whole +panfull of gold over the tree to cheer them: for of that they caught as +much as they could, and let but little or nothing at all fall to the +lowest branches: and so of these last more died of hunger than of the +enemy's attacks, from which danger those placed above seemed to be +free. Therefore was there a perpetual climbing and swarming going on on +those trees; for each would needs sit in those highest and happiest +places: yet were there some idle, worthless rascals, not worth their +commissariat-bread, who troubled themselves little about higher places, +and only did their duty. So the lowest, being ambitious, hoped for the +fall of the highest, that they might sit in their place, and if it +happened to one among ten thousand of them that he got so far, yet +would such good luck come to him only in his miserable old age when he +was more fit to sit in the chimney-corner and roast apples than to meet +the foe in the field. And if any man dealt honestly and carried himself +well, yet was he ever envied by others, and perchance by reason of some +unlucky chance of war deprived both of office and of life. And nowhere +was this more grievous than at the before-mentioned smooth place on the +tree: for there an officer who had had a good sergeant or corporal +under him must lose him, however unwillingly, because he was now made +an ensign. And for that reason they would take, in place of old +soldiers, inkslingers, footmen, overgrown pages, poor noblemen, and at +times poor relations, tramps and vagabonds. And these took the very +bread out of the mouths of those that had deserved it, and forthwith +were made Ensigns. + + + + +_Chap. xvii._: HOW IT HAPPENS THAT, WHEREAS IN WAR THE NOBLES ARE EVER +PUT BEFORE THE COMMON MEN, YET MANY DO ATTAIN FROM DESPISED RANK TO +HIGH HONOURS + + +All this vexed a sergeant so much that he began loudly to complain: +whereupon one Nobilis answered him: "Knowst thou not that at all times +our rulers have appointed to the highest offices in time of war those +of noble birth as being fittest therefore. For greybeards defeat no +foe: were it so, one could send a flock of goats for that employ: We +say: + + "Choose out a bull that's young and strong to lead + and keep the herd, + For though the veteran be good, the young must + be preferred. + So let the herdsman trust to him, full young though + he appears: + 'Tis but a saw, and 'tis no law, that wisdom comes + with years." + +"Tell me," says he, "thou old cripple, is't not true that nobly born +officers be better respected by the soldiery than they that beforetime +have been but servants? And what discipline in war can ye find where no +respect is? Must not a general trust a gentleman more than a peasant +lad that had run away from his father at the plough-tail and so done +his own parents no good service? For a proper gentleman, rather than +bring reproach upon his family by treason or desertion or the like, +will sooner die with honour. And so 'tis right the gentles should have +the first place. So doth Joannes de Platea plainly lay it down that in +furnishing of offices the preference should ever be given to the +nobility, and these properly set before the commons. Such usage is to +be found in all codes of laws, and is, moreover, confirmed in Holy +Writ: for 'happy is the land whose king is of noble family,' saith +Sirach in his tenth chapter; which is a noble testimony to the +preference belonging to gentle birth. And even if one of your kidney be +a good soldier enough that can smell powder and play his part well in +every venture, yet is he not therefore capable of command of others: +which quality is natural to gentlemen, or at least customary to them +from their youth up. And so saith Seneca, 'A hero's soul hath this +property, that 'tis ever alert in search of honour: and no lofty spirit +hath pleasure in small and unworthy things.' Moreover, the nobles have +more means to furnish their inferior officers with money and to procure +recruits for their weak companies than a peasant. And so to follow the +common proverb, it were not well to put the boor above the gentleman; +yea, and the boors would soon become too high-minded if they be made +lords straightway; for men say: + + "'Where will ye find a sharper sword, than peasant + churl that's made a lord?' + +"Now had the peasants, by reason of long and respectable custom, +possessed all offices in war and elsewhere, of a surety they would have +let no gentleman into such. Yea, and besides, though ye soldiers of +Fortune, as ye call yourselves, be often willingly helped to raise +yourselves to higher ranks, yet ye are commonly so worn out that when +they try you and would find you a better place, they must hesitate to +promote you; for the heat of your youth is cooled down and your only +thought is how ye can tend and care for your sick bodies which, by +reason of much hardships, be crippled and of little use for war: yea, +and a young dog is better for hunting than an old lion." + +Then answered the old sergeant, "And what fool would be a soldier, if +he might not hope by his good conduct to be promoted, and so rewarded +for faithful service? Devil take such a war as that! For so 'tis all +the same whether a man behave himself well or ill! Often did I hear our +old colonel say he wanted no soldier in his regiment that had not the +firm intention to become a general by his good conduct. And all the +world must acknowledge that 'tis those nations which promote common +soldiers, that are good soldiers too, that win victories, as may be +seen in the case of the Turks and Persians; so says the verse + + "'Thy lamp is bright: yet feed it well with oil: an + thou dost not the flame sinks down and dies. + So by rewards repay the soldiers toil, for service + brave demands its pay likewise.'" + +Then answered Nobilis: "If we see brave qualities and in an honest man, +we shall not overlook them: for at this very time see how many there be +who from the plough, from the needle, from shoemaking, and from +shepherding have done well by themselves, and by such bravery have +raised themselves up far above the poorer nobility to the ranks of +counts and barons. Who was the Imperialist John de Werth? Who was the +Swede Stalhans? Who were the Hessians, Little Jakob and St. André? Of +their kind there were many yet well known whom I, for brevity's sake, +forbear to mention. So is it nothing new in the present time, nor will +it be otherwise in the future, that honest men attain by war to great +honours, as happened also among the ancients. Tamburlaine became a +mighty king and the terror of the whole world, which was before but a +swineherd: Agathocles, King of Sicily, was son of a potter; Emperor +Valentinian's father was a ropemaker; Maurice the Cappadocian, a slave, +was emperor after Tiberius II.; Justin, that reigned before Justinian, +was before he was emperor a swineherd; Hugh Capet, a butcher's son, was +afterward King of France; Pizarro likewise a swineherd, which +afterwards was marquess in the West Indies, where he had to weigh out +his gold in hundredweights." + +The sergeant answered: "All this sounds fair enough for my purpose: yet +well I see that the doors by which we might win to many dignities be +shut against us by the nobility. For as soon as he is crept out of his +shell, forthwith your nobleman is clapped into such a position as we +cannot venture to set our thoughts upon, howbeit we have done more than +many a noble who is now appointed a colonel. And just as among the +peasants many noble talents perish for want of means to keep a lad at +his studies, so many a brave soldier grows old under the weight of a +musquet, that more properly deserved a regiment and could have tendered +great services to his general." + + + + +_Chap. xviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK HIS FIRST STEP INTO THE WORLD +AND THAT WITH EVIL LUCK + + +I cared no longer to listen to this old ass, but grudged him not his +complaints, for often he himself had beaten poor soldiers like dogs. I +turned again to the trees whereof the whole land was full and saw how +they swayed and smote against each other: and the fellows tumbled off +them in batches. Now a crack; now a fall. One moment quick, the next +dead. In a moment one lost an arm, another a leg, the third his head. +And as I looked methought all trees I saw were but one tree, at whose +top sat the war-god Mars, and which covered with its branches all +Europe. It seemed to me this tree could have overshadowed the whole +world: but because it was blown about by envy and hate, by suspicion +and unfairness, by pride and haughtiness and avarice, and other such +fair virtues, as by bitter north winds, therefore it seemed thin and +transparent: for which reason one had writ on its trunk these rhymes: + + "The holmoak by the wind beset and brought to ruin, + Breaks its own branches down and proves its own undoing. + By civil war within and brothers' deadly feud + All's topsy-turvy turned and misery hath ensued." + +By the mighty roaring of these cruel winds and the noise of the +breaking of the tree itself I was awoke from my sleep, and found myself +alone in my hut. Then did I again begin to ponder what I should do. For +to remain in the wood was impossible, since I had been so utterly +despoiled that I could not keep myself: nothing remained to me but a +few books which lay strewn about in confusion. And when with weeping +eyes I took these up to read, calling earnestly upon God that He would +lead and guide me whither I should go, I found by chance a letter which +my hermit had writ in his lifetime, and this was the content of it. +"Beloved Simplicissimus, when thou findest this letter, go forthwith +out of the forest and save thyself and the pastor from present +troubles: for he hath done me much good. God, whom thou must at all +times have before thine eyes and earnestly pray to, will bring thee to +the place which is best for thee. Only keep Him ever in thy sight and +be diligent ever to serve Him as if thou wert still in my presence in +the wood. Consider and follow without ceasing my last words, and so +mayest thou stand firm. Farewell." + +I kissed this letter and the hermit's grave many thousand times, and +started on my way to seek for mankind. Yet before I could find them I +journeyed straight on for two whole days, and when night overtook me, +sought out a hollow tree for my shelter, and my food was naught but +beech-nuts which I picked up on the way: but on the third day I came to +a pretty open field near Gelnhausen, and there I enjoyed a veritable +banquet, for the whole place was full of wheatsheaves which the +peasants, being frightened away after the great battle of Nördlingen, +had for my good fortune not been able to carry off. Inside a sheaf I +set up my tent, for 'twas cruel cold, and filled my belly with the ears +of corn which I rubbed in my hands: and such a meal I had not enjoyed +for a long time. + + + + +_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CAPTURED BY HANAU AND HANAU BY +SIMPLICISSIMUS + + +When 'twas day I fed myself again with wheat, and thereafter betook +myself to Gelnhausen, and there I found the gates open and partly +burnt, yet half barricaded with dung. So I went in, but was ware of no +living creature there. Indeed the streets were strewn here and there +with dead, some of whom were stripped to their shirts, some stark +naked. This was a terrifying spectacle, as any man can imagine. I, in +my simplicity, could not guess what mishap had brought the place to +such a plight. But not long after I learned that the Imperialists +had surprised a few of Weimar's folk there. And hardly had I gone +two-stones'-throw into the town when I had seen enough: so I turned me +about and went across the meadows, and presently I came to a good road +which brought me to the fine fortress of Hanau. When I came to the +first sentries I tried to pass; but two musqueteers made at me, who +seized me and took me off to their guard-room. + +Now must I first describe to the reader my wonderful dress at that +time, before I tell him how I fared further. For my clothing and +behaviour were altogether so strange, astonishing, and uncouth, that +the governor had my picture painted. Firstly, my hair had for two years +and a half never been cut either Greek, German, or French fashion, nor +combed nor curled nor puffed, but stood in its natural wildness with +more than a year's dust strewn on it instead of hair plunder or powder, +or whatever they call the fools' work--and that so prettily that I +looked with my pale face underneath it, like a great white owl that is +about to bite or else watching for a mouse. And because I was +accustomed at all times to go bareheaded and my hair was curly, I had +the look of wearing a Turkish turban. The rest of my garb answered to +my head-gear; for I had on my hermit's coat, if I may now call it a +coat at all, for the stuff out of which 'twas fashioned at first was +now clean gone and nothing more remaining of it but the shape, which +more than a thousand little patches of all colours, some put side by +side, some sewn upon one another with manifold stitches, still +represented. Over this decayed and yet often improved coat I wore the +hair-shirt mantle-fashion, for I needed the sleeves for breeches and +had cut them off for that purpose. But my whole body was girt about +with iron chains, most deftly disposed crosswise behind and before like +the pictures of St. William; so that all together made up a figure like +them that have once been captured by the Turks and now wander through +the land begging for their friends still in captivity. My shoes were +cut out of wood and the laces woven out of strips of lime-bark: and my +feet looked like boiled lobsters, as I had had on stockings of the +Spanish national colour or had dyed my skin with logwood. In truth I +believe if any conjurer, mountebank, or stroller had had me and had +given me out for a Samoyede or a Greenlander, he would have found many +a fool that would have wasted a kreutzer on me. Yet though any man in +his wits could easily conclude, from my thin and starved looks and my +decayed clothes, I came neither from a cook-shop nor a lady's bower, +and still less had played truant from any great lord's court, +nevertheless I was strictly examined in the guard-room, and even as the +soldiers gaped at me so was I filled with wonder at the mad apparel of +their officer to whom I must answer and give account. I knew not if it +were he or she: for he wore his hair and beard French fashion, with +long tails hanging down on each side like horse-tails, and his beard +was so miserably handled and mutilated that between mouth and nose +there were but a few hairs, and those had come off so ill that one +could scarce see them. And not less did his wide breeches leave me in +no small doubt of his sex, being such that they were as like a woman's +petticoats as a man's breeches. So I thought, if this be a man he +should have a proper beard, since the rogue is not so young as he +pretends: but if a woman, why hath the old witch so much stubble round +her mouth? Sure 'tis a woman, thought I, for no honest man would ever +let his beard be so lamentably bedevilled, seeing that even goats for +pure shamefacedness venture not a step among a strange flock when their +beards are clipped. So as I stood in doubt, knowing not of modern +fashions, at last I held he was man and woman at once. And this mannish +woman or this womanish man had me thoroughly searched, but could find +nothing on me but a little book of birch-bark wherein I had written +down my daily prayers, and had also left the letter which my pious +hermit, as I have said in the last chapter, had bequeathed me for his +farewell: that he took from me: but I, being loath to part from it, +fell down before him and clasped both his knees and, "O my good +Hermaphrodite," says I, "leave me my little prayer-book." "Thou fool," +he answered, "who the devil told thee my name was Hermann?" And +therewith commanded two soldiers to lead me to the Governor, giving +them the book to take with them: for indeed this fop, as I at once did +note, could neither read nor write himself. + +So I was led into the town, and all ran together as if a sea-monster +were on show; and according as each one regarded me so each made +something different out of me. Some deemed me a spy, others a wild man, +and some even a spirit, a spectre, or a monster, that should portend +some strange happening. Some, too, there were that counted me a mere +fool, and they had indeed come nearest to the mark had I not had the +knowledge of God our Father. + + + + +_Chap. xx._: IN WHAT WISE HE WAS SAVED FROM PRISON AND TORTURE + +Now when I was brought before the Governor he asked me whence I came. I +said I knew not. Then said he again "Whither wilt thou?" and again I +answered, "I know not." "What the devil dost thou know, then?" says he, +"What is thy business?" I answered as before, I knew not. He asked, +"Where dost thou dwell?" and as I again answered I knew not, his +countenance was changed, I know not whether from anger or astonishment. +But inasmuch as every man is wont to suspect evil, and specially the +enemy being in the neighbourhood, having just, as above narrated, +captured Gelnhausen and therein put to shame a whole regiment of +dragoons, he agreed with them that held me for a traitor or a spy, and +ordered that I should be searched. But when he learned from the +soldiers of the watch that this was already done, and nothing more +found on me than the book there present which they delivered to him, he +read a line or two therein and asked who had given me the book. I +answered it was mine from the beginning: for I had made it and written +it. Then he asked, "Why upon birch-bark?" I answered, because the bark +of other trees was not fitted therefore. "Thou rascal," says he, "I ask +why thou didst not write on paper." "Oh!" I answered him, "we had none +in the wood." The governor asked, "Where, in what wood?" And again I +paid him in my old coin and said I did not know. Then the governor +turned to some of his officers that waited on him and said, "Either +this is an arch-rogue, or else a fool: and a fool he cannot be, that +can write so well." And as he spake, he turned over the leaves to shew +them my fine handwriting, and that so sharply that the hermit's letter +fell out: and this he had picked up, while I turned pale, for that I +held for my chiefest treasure and holy relic. That the Governor noted +and conceived yet greater suspicion of treason, specially when he had +opened and read the letter, "for," says he, "I surely know this hand +and know that it is written by an officer well known to me: yet can I +not remember by whom." Also the contents seemed to him strange and not +to be understood: for he said, "This is without doubt a concerted +language, which none other can understand save him to whom it is +imparted." Then asking me my name, when I said Simplicissimus, "Yes, +yes," says he, "thou art one of the right kidney. Away, away: put him +at once in irons, hand and foot." + +So the two before-mentioned soldiers marched off with me to my bespoken +lodging, namely, the lock-up, and handed me over to the gaoler, which, +in accordance with his orders, adorned me with iron bands and chains on +hands and feet, as if I had not had enough to carry with those that I +had already bound round my body. Nor was this way of welcoming me +enough for the world, but there must come hangmen and their satellites, +with horrible instruments of torture, which made my wretched plight +truly grievous, though I could comfort myself with my innocence. "O! +God!" says I to myself, "how am I rightly served! To this end did +Simplicissimus run from the service of God into the world, that such a +misbirth of Christianity should receive the just reward which he hath +deserved for his wantonness! O, thou unhappy Simplicissimus, whither +hath thine ingratitude led thee! Lo, God hath hardly brought thee to +the knowledge of Him and into His service when thou, contrariwise, must +run off from His employ and turn thy back on Him. Couldest thou not go +on eating of acorns and beans as before, and so serving thy Creator? +Didst thou not know that thy faithful hermit and teacher had fled from +the world and chosen the wilderness? O stupid stock, thou didst leave +it in the hope to satisfy thy loose desire to see the world. And +behold, while thou thinkest to feed thine eyes, thou must in this maze +of dangers perish and be destroyed. Couldst thou not, unwise creature, +understand before this, that thy ever-blessed teacher would never have +left the world for that hard life which he led in the desert, if he had +hoped to find in the world true peace, and real rest, and eternal +salvation? O poor Simplicissimus, go thy way and receive the reward of +the idle thoughts thou hast cherished and thy presumptuous folly. Thou +hast no wrong to complain of, neither any innocence to comfort thee +with, for thou hast hastened to meet thine own torment and the death to +follow thereafter." So I bewailed myself, and besought God for +forgiveness and commended my soul to Him. In the meanwhile we drew near +to the prison, and when my need was greatest then was God's help +nearest: for as I was surrounded by the hangman's mates, and stood +there before the gaol with a great multitude of folk to wait till it +was opened and I could be thrust in, lo, my good pastor, whose village +had so lately been plundered and burned, must also see what was toward +(himself being also under arrest). So as he looked out of window and +saw me, he cried loudly, "O Simplicissimus, is it thou?" + +When this I heard and saw, I could not help myself, but must lift up +both hands to him and cry, "O father, father, father." So he asked what +had I done. I answered, I knew not: they had brought me there of a +certainty because I had deserted from the forest. But when he learned +from the bystanders that they took me for a spy, he begged they would +make a stay with me till he had explained my case to the Lord Governor, +for that would be of use for my deliverance and for his, and so would +hinder the Governor from dealing wrongfully with both of us, since he +knew me better than could any man. + + + + +_Chap. xxi._: HOW TREACHEROUS DAME FORTUNE CAST ON SIMPLICISSIMUS A +FRIENDLY GLANCE + + +So 'twas allowed him to go to the Governor, and a half-hour thereafter +I was fetched out likewise and put in the servitors' room, where were +already two tailors, a shoemaker with shoes, a haberdasher with +stockings and hats, and another with all manner of apparel, so that I +might forthwith be clothed. Then took they off my coat, chains and all, +and the hair-shirt, by which the tailors could take their measure +aright: next appeared a barber with his lather and his sweet-smelling +soaps, but even as he would exercise his art upon me came another order +which did grievously terrify me: for it ran, I should put on my old +clothes again. Yet 'twas not so ill meant as I feared: for there came +presently a painter with all his colours, namely vermilion and cinnabar +for my eyelids, indigo and ultramarine for my coral lips, gamboge and +ochre and yellow lead for my white teeth, which I was licking for sheer +hunger, and lamp-black and burnt umber for my golden hair, white lead +for my terrible eyes and every kind of paint for my weather-coloured +coat: also had he a whole handful of brushes. This fellow began to gaze +upon me, to take a sketch, to lay in a background and to hang his head +on one side, the better to compare his work exactly with my figure: now +he changed the eyes, now the hair, presently the nostrils; and, in a +word, all he had not at first done aright, till at length he had +executed a model true to nature; for a model Simplicissimus was. And +not till then might the barber whisk his razor over me: who twitched my +head this way and that and spent full an hour and a half over my hair: +and thereafter trimmed it in the fashion of that day: for I had hair +enough and to spare. After that he brought me to a bathroom and +cleansed my thin, starved body from more than three or four years' +dirt. And scarce was he ended when they brought me a white shirt, shoes +and stockings, together with a ruff or collar, and hat and feather. +Likewise the breeches were finely made and trimmed with gold lace; so +all that was wanted was the cloak, and upon that the tailors were at +work with all haste. Then came the cook with a strong broth and the +maid with a cup of drink: and there sat my lord Simplicissimus like a +young count, in the best of tempers. And I ate heartily though I knew +not what they would do with me: for as yet I had never heard of the +"condemned man's supper," and therefore the partaking of this glorious +first meal was to me so pleasant and sweet that I cannot sufficiently +express, declare, and boast of it to mankind; yea, hardly do I believe +I ever tasted greater pleasure in my life than then. So when the cloak +was ready I put it on, and in this new apparel shewed such an awkward +figure that it might seem one had dressed up a hedge-stake: for the +tailors had been ordered of intent to make the clothes too big for me, +in the hope I should presently put more flesh on, which, considering +the excellence of my feeding, seemed like to happen. But my forest +dress, together with the chains and all appurtenances, were conveyed +away to the museum, there to be added to other rare objects and +antiquities, and my portrait, of life size, was set hard by. + +So after his supper, his lordship myself was put to bed in such a bed +as I had never seen or heard of in my dad's house or while I dwelt with +my hermit: yet did my belly so growl and grumble the whole night +through that I could not sleep, perchance for no other reason than that +it knew not yet what was good or because it wondered at the delightful +new foods which had been given to it: but for me, I lay there quiet +until the sweet sun shone bright again (for 'twas cold) and reflected +what strange adventures I had passed through in a few days, and how God +my Father had so truly helped me and brought me into so goodly an +heritage. + + + + +_Chap. xxiii._: WHO THE HERMIT WAS BY WHOM SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHERISHED + + +The same morning the Governor's chamberlain commanded me, I should go +to the before-mentioned pastor, and there learn what his lordship had +said to him in my affair. Likewise he sent an orderly to bring me to +him. Then the pastor took me into his library, and there he sat down +and bade me also sit down, and says he, "My good Simplicissimus, that +same hermit with whom thou didst dwell in the wood was not only the +Lord Governor's brother-in-law, but also his staunch supporter in war +and his chiefest friend. As it pleased the Governor to tell me, the +same from his youth up had never failed either in the bravery of an +heroical soldier nor in that godliness and piety which became the +holiest of men: which two virtues it is not usual to find united. Yet +his spiritual mind, coupled with adverse circumstances, so checked the +course of his earthly happiness that he rejected his nobility and +resigned certain fine estates in Scotland where he was born, and +despised such because all worldly affairs now seemed to him vain, +foolish, and contemptible. In a word, he hoped to exchange his earthly +eminence for a better glory to come, for his noble spirit had a disgust +at all temporal display, and all his thoughts and desires were set on +that poor miserable life wherein thou didst find him in the forest and +wherein thou didst bear him company till his death." "And in my +opinion," said the pastor, "he had been seduced thereto by his reading +of many popish books concerning the lives of the ancient eremites. Yet +will I not conceal from thee how he came into the Spessart, and, in +accord with his wish, into such a miserable hermit's life, that thou +mayest hereafter be able to tell others thereof: for the second night +after that bloody battle of Höchst was lost, he came alone and +unattended to my parsonage-house, even as I, my wife, and children were +fallen asleep, and that towards morning, for because of the noise all +over the country which both pursuers and pursued are wont to make in +such cases, we had been awake all the night before and half of this +present one. At first he knocked gently, and then sharply enough, till +he wakened me and my sleep-drunken folk: and when I at his request, and +after short exchange of words, which was on both sides full cautious, +had opened the door, I saw the cavalier dismount from his mettlesome +steed. His costly clothing was as thickly sprinkled with the blood of +his enemies as it was decked with gold and silver; and inasmuch as he +still held his drawn sword in his hand, fear and terror came upon me. +Yet when he sheathed his sword and shewed nothing but courtesy I must +wonder that so noble a gentleman should so humbly beg a poor village +pastor for shelter. And by reason of his handsome person and his noble +carriage I addressed myself to him as to the Count of Mansfield +himself: but said he, he could for this once be not only compared to +the Count of Mansfield in respect of ill fortune but even preferred +before him. Three things did he lament: first, the loss of his lady, +and her near her delivery, and then the loss of his battle; and last of +all, that he had not had the luck to die therein, as did other honest +soldiers, for the Evangelical cause. Then would I comfort him, but saw +that his noble heart needed no comfort: so I set before him what the +house afforded and bade them make for him a soldier's bed of clean +straw, for in no other would he lie though much he needed rest. The +next morning, the first thing he did was to give me his horse and his +money (of which he had with him no mean sum in gold), and did share +divers costly rings among my wife, children, and servants. This could I +not understand in him, seeing that soldiers be wont far rather to take +than to give: and therefore I had doubts whether to receive so great +presents, and gave as a pretext that I had not deserved so much from +him nor could again repay him: besides, said I, if folk saw such +riches, and specially the splendid horse, which could not be hid, in my +possession, many would conclude I had robbed or murdered him. But he +said I should live without care on that score, for he would protect me +from such danger with his own handwriting, yea, and he would desire to +carry away out of my parsonage not even his shirt, let alone his +clothes: and therewith he opened his design to become a hermit. I +fought against that with might and main, for methought such a plan +smacked of Popery, reminding him that he could serve the Gospel more +with his sword, but in vain: for he argued so long and stoutly with me +that at last I gave in and provided him with those books, pictures, and +furniture which thou didst find in his hut. Yet would he take nothing +in return for all that he had presented to me save only the coverlet of +wool, under which he had slept on the straw that night: and out of that +he had a coat made. And my wagon chains (those which he always wore) +must I exchange with him for a golden one whereon he wore his lady's +portrait, so that he kept for himself neither money nor money's worth. +Then my servant led him to the wildest part of the wood, and there +helped him to build his hut. And in what manner he there spent his +life, and with what help at times I did assist him, thou knowest as +well as I, yea, in part better. + +"Now when lately the Battle of Nördlingen was lost and I, as thou +knowest, was clean stripped of all and also evilly handled, I fled +hither for safety; besides, I had here my chief possessions. And when +my ready money was about to fail me, I took three rings and the +before-mentioned chain, together with the portrait that I had from the +hermit, among which was his signet-ring, and took them to a Jew, to +turn them into money. But he, on account of their value and fine +workmanship, took them to the Governor to sell, who forthwith knew the +arms and portrait, and sent for me and asked where I had gotten such +treasures. So I told him the truth and shewed him the hermit's +handwriting or deed of gift, and narrated to him all his story; also +how he had lived and died in the wood. Such a tale he could not +believe, but put me under arrest, till he could better learn the truth; +and while he was at work sending out a party to take a survey of the +dwelling and to fetch thee hither, here I beheld thee brought to the +tower. Now seeing that the Governor hath no longer cause to doubt of my +story, and seeing that I can call to witness the place where the hermit +dwelt, and likewise thee and other living deponents, and most of all my +sexton, which so often admitted thee and him to the church before day, +and specially since the letter which he found in thy book of prayer +doth afford an excellent testimony not only of the truth, but of the +late hermit's holiness: therefore he will shew favour to me and thee +for the sake of his dear departed brother-in-law. And now hast thou +only to decide what thou wouldest he should do for thee. An thou wilt +study, he pays the cost: desirest thou to learn a trade, he will have +thee taught one: but if thou wilt stay with him he will hold thee as +his own child: for he said if even a dog came to him from his departed +brother-in-law he would cherish it." So I answered, 'twas all one to me +what the Lord Governor would do with me. + + + + +_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A PAGE: AND LIKEWISE, HOW THE +HERMIT'S WIFE WAS LOST + + +Now did the pastor keep me at his lodging till ten of the clock before +he would go with me to the Governor, to tell him of my resolve: for so +could he be his guest at dinner: for the Governor kept open house: 'tis +true Hanau was then blockaded, and with the common folk times were so +hard (especially with them that had fled for refuge to the fortress) +that some who seemed to themselves to be somewhat, were not ashamed to +pick up the frozen turnip-peelings in the streets, which the rich had +cast away. And my pastor was so lucky that he got to sit by the +Governor at the head of the table, while I waited on them with a plate +in my hand as the chamberlain taught me, to which business I was as +well fitted as an ass to play chess. Yet my pastor made good with his +tongue what the awkwardness of my person failed in. For he said I had +been reared in the wilderness, and had never dwelt among men, and +therefore must be excused, because I could not yet know how to carry +myself: yet the faithfulness I had shewn to the hermit and the hard +life I had endured with him were wonderful, and that alone deserved +that folk should not only have patience with my awkwardness but should +even put me before the finest young nobleman. Furthermore, he related +how the hermit had found all his joy in me because, as he often said, I +was so like in face to his dear lady, and that he had often marvelled +at my steadfastness and unchangeable will to remain with him, as also +at many other virtues which he praised in me. Lastly, he could not +enough declare with what earnest fervency the hermit had, just before +his death, commended me to him (the pastor) and had confessed he loved +me as his own child. This tickled my ears so much that methought I had +already received satisfaction enough for all I had endured with the +hermit. + +Then the Governor asked, did not his late brother-in-law know he was +commandant of Hanau. "Yea, truly," answered the pastor, "for I told him +myself: but he listened as coldly (yet with a joyful face and a gentle +smile) as he had never known any Ramsay, so that even now when I think +thereupon, I must wonder at this man's resolution and firm purpose, +that he could bring his heart to this: not only to renounce the world +but even to put out of his mind his best friend, when he had him close +at hand." + +Then were the Governor's eyes full of tears, who yet had no soft +woman's heart but was a brave and heroical soldier; and says he, "Had I +known he was yet alive and where he was to be found, I would have had +him fetched even against his will, that I might repay his kindnesses: +but since Fortune hath denied me that, I will in his place cherish his +Simplicissimus." And "Ah!" says he again, "the good cavalier had cause +enough to lament his wife, great with child as she was; for in the +pursuit she was captured by a party of Imperialist troopers, and that +too in the Spessart. Which when I heard, and knew not but that my +brother-in-law was slain at Höchst, at once I sent a trumpeter to the +enemy to ask for my sister and ransom her: yet got no more thereby than +to learn the said party of troopers had been scattered in the Spessart +by a few peasants, and that in that fight my sister had again been lost +to them, so that to this hour I know not what became of her." This and +the like made up the table-talk of the Governor and the pastor +regarding my hermit and his lady-wife: which pair were the more pitied +because they had enjoyed each other's love but a year. But as to me, I +became the Governor's page, and so fine a fellow that the people, +specially the peasants when I must announce them to my master, called +me the young lord already: though indeed one seldom sees a youngster +that hath been a lord, but oftentimes lords that have been youngsters. + + + + +_Chap. xxiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BLAMED THE WORLD AND SAW MANY IDOLS +THEREIN + + +Now at that time I had no precious possession save only a clear +conscience and a right pious mind, and that clad and surrounded with +the purest innocence and simplicity. Of vice I knew no more than that I +had at times heard it spoken of or read of it, and if I saw any man +commit such sin then was it to me a fearful and a terrible thing, I +being so brought up and reared as to have the presence of God ever +before my eyes and most earnestly to live according to His holy will: +and inasmuch as I knew all this, I could not but compare men's ways and +works with that same will: and methought I saw naught but vileness. +Lord God! How did I wonder at the first when I considered the law and +the Gospel and the faithful warnings of Christ, and saw, on the +contrary part, the deeds of them that gave themselves out to be His +disciples and followers! In place of the straightforward dealing which +every true Christian should have, I found mere hypocrisy; and besides, +such numberless follies among all dwellers in the world that I must +needs doubt whether I saw before me Christians or not. For though I +could see well that many had a serious knowledge of God's will: yet +could I mark but little serious purpose to fulfil the same. So had I a +thousand puzzles and strange thoughts in my mind, and fell into +grievous difficulty upon that saying of Christ, which saith, "Judge +not, that ye be not judged." Nevertheless there came into my mind the +words of St. Paul in the fifth chapter of Galatians, where he saith: +"The works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: adultery, +fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness," and so on: "of the which I +tell you before as I have also told you in time past, that they which +do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God." Then I thought: +every man doeth all these things openly: wherefore then should I not in +this matter conclude from the apostle's word that there shall be few +that are saved? + +Moreover, pride and greed with their worthy accompaniments, gorging and +swilling and loose living, were a daily occupation for them of +substance: yet what did seem to me most terrible of all was this +shameful thing, that some, and specially soldiers, in whose case vice +is not wont to be severely punished, should make of both these things, +their own godlessness and God's holy will, a mere jest. For example, I +heard once an adulterer which after his deed of shame accomplished +would treat thereof, and spake these godless words: "It serves the +cowardly cuckold aright," says he, "to get a pair of horns from me: and +if I confess the truth, I did the thing more to vex the husband than to +please the wife, and so to be revenged on them." + +"O pitiful revenge!" says one honest heart that stood by, "by which a +man staineth his own conscience and gaineth the shameful name of +adulterer and fornicator!" + +"What! fornicator!" answered he, with a scornful laughter, "I am no +fornicator because I have given this marriage a twist: a fornicator is +he that the sixth commandment[5] speaks of, where it forbids that any +man get into another's garden and nick the fruit before the owner." How +to prove that this was so to be understood, he forthwith explained +according to his devil's catechism the seventh commandment, wherein it +is said, "Thou shalt not steal." And of such words he used many, so +that I sighed within myself and thought, "O God-blaspheming sinner, +thou callest thyself a marriage-twister: and so then God must be a +marriage-breaker, seeing that He doth separate man and wife by death." +And out of mine overflowing zeal and anger I said to him, officer +though he was, "Thinkest thou not, thou sinnest more with these godless +words than by thine act of adultery." So he answered me, "Thou rascal, +must I give thee a buffet or two?" Yea, and I believe I had received a +handsome couple of such if the fellow had not stood in fear of my lord. +So I held my peace, and thereafter I marked it was no rare case for +single folk to cast eyes upon wedded folk and wedded folk upon such as +were unwedded. + +Now while I was yet studying, under my good hermit's care, the way to +eternal life, I much wondered why God had so straitly forbidden +idolatry to his people: for I imagined, if any one had ever known the +true and eternal God, he would never again honour and pray to any +other, and so in my stupid mind I resolved that this commandment was +unnecessary and vain. But ah! Fool as I was, I knew not what I thought +I knew: for no sooner was I come into the great world, than I marked +how (in spite of this commandment) wellnigh every man had his special +idol: yet some had more than the old and new heathen themselves. Some +had their god in their money-bags, upon which they put all their trust +and confidence: many a one had his idol at court, and trusted wholly +and entirely on him: which idol was but a minion and often even such a +pitiable lickspittle as his worshipper himself; for his airy godhead +depended only on the April weather of a prince's smile: others found +their idol in popularity, and fancied, if they could but attain to that +they would themselves be demi-gods. Yet others had their gods in their +head, namely, those to whom the true God had granted a sound brain, so +that they were able to learn certain arts and sciences: for these +forgot the great Giver and looked only to the gift, in the hope that +gift would procure them all prosperity. Yea, and there were many whose +god was but their own belly, to which they daily offered sacrifice, as +once the heathen did to Bacchus and Ceres, and when that god shewed +himself unkind or when human failings shewed themselves in him, these +miserable folk then made a god of their physician, and sought for their +life's prolongation in the apothecary's shop, wherefrom they were more +often sped on their way to death. And many fools made goddesses for +themselves out of flattering harlots: these they called by all manner +of outlandish names, worshipped them day and night with many thousand +sighs, and made songs upon them which contained naught but praise of +them, together with a humble prayer they would have mercy upon their +folly and become as great fools as were their suitors. + +Contrariwise were there women which had made their own beauty their +idol. For this, they thought, will give me my livelihood, let God in +heaven say what He will. And this idol was every day, in place of other +offerings, adorned and sustained with paint, ointments, waters, +powders, and the like daubs. + +There too I saw some which held houses luckily situated as their gods: +for they said, so long as they had lived therein had they ever had +health and wealth: and many said these had tumbled in through their +windows. At this folly I did more especially wonder because I would +well perceive the reason why the inhabitants so prospered. I knew one +man who for some years could never sleep by reason of his trade in +tobacco; for to this he had given up his heart, mind and soul, which +should be dedicate to God alone: and to this idol he sent up night and +day a thousand sighs, for 'twas by that he made his way in life. Yet +what did happen? The fool died and vanished like his own tobacco-smoke. +Then thought I, O thou miserable man! Had but thy soul's happiness and +the honour of the true God been so dear to thee as thine idol, which +stands upon thy shop-sign in the shape of a Brazilian, with a roll of +tobacco under his arm and a pipe in his mouth, then am I sure and +certain that thou hadst won a noble crown of honour to wear in the next +world. + +Another ass had yet more pitiful idols: for when in a great company it +was being told by each how he had been fed and sustained during the +great famine and scarcity of food, this fellow said in plain German: +the snails and frogs had been his gods: for want of them he must have +died of hunger. So I asked him what then had God Himself been to him, +who had provided such insects for his sustenance. The poor creature +could answer nothing, and I wondered the more because I had never read +that either the old idolatrous Egyptians or the new American savages +ever called such vermin their gods, as did this prater. + +I once went with a person of quality into his museum, wherein were fine +curiosities: but among all none pleased me better than an "Ecce Homo" +by reason of its moving portraiture, by which it stirred the spectator +at once to sympathy. By it there hung a paper picture painted in China, +whereon were Chinese idols sitting in their majesty, and some in shape +like devils. So the master of the house asked me which piece in this +gallery pleased me most. And when I pointed to the said "Ecce Homo" he +said I was wrong: for the Chinese picture was rarer and therefore of +more value: he would not lose it for a dozen such "Ecce Homos." So said +I, "Sir, is your heart like to your speech?" "Surely," said he. "Why +then," said I, "your heart's god is that one whose picture you do +confess with your mouth to be of most value." "Fool," says he, "'tis +the rarity I esteem." Whereto I replied, "Yet what can be rarer and +more worthy of wonder than that God's Son Himself suffered in the way +which this picture doth declare?" + + + + +_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND THE WORLD ALL STRANGE AND THE +WORLD FOUND HIM STRANGE LIKEWISE + + +Even as much as these and yet a greater number of idols were +worshipped, so much on the contrary was the majesty of the true God +despised: for as I never saw any desirous to keep His word and command, +so I saw contrariwise many that resisted him in all things and excelled +even the publicans in wickedness: which publicans were in the days when +Christ walked upon earth open sinners. And so saith Christ: "Love your +enemies; bless them that curse you. If ye do good only to your +brethren, what do ye that the publicans do not?" But I found not only +no one that would follow this command of Christ, but every man did the +clean opposite. "The more a man hath kindred the more a man is +hindered" was the word: and nowhere did I find more envy, hatred, +malice, quarrel, and dispute than between brothers, sisters, and other +born friends, specially if an inheritance fell to them. Moreover, the +handicraftsmen of every place hated one another, so that I could +plainly see, and must conclude, that in comparison the open sinners, +publicans and tax-gatherers, which by reason of their evil deeds were +hated by many, were far better than we Christians nowadays in exercise +of brotherly love: seeing that Christ bears testimony to them that at +least they did love one another. Then thought I, if we have no reward +because we love our enemies, how great must our punishment be if we +hate our friends! And where there should be the greatest love and good +faith, there I found the worst treachery and the strongest hatred. For +many a lord would fleece his true servants and subjects, and some +retainers would play the rogue against the best of lords. So too +between married folk I marked continual strife: many a tyrant treated +his wedded wife worse than his dog, and many a loose baggage held her +good husband but for a fool and an ass. So too, many currish lords and +masters cheated their industrious servants of their due pay and pinched +them both in food and drink: and contrariwise I saw many faithless +servitors which by theft or neglect brought their kind masters to ruin. +Tradesfolk and craftsmen did vie with each other in Jewish roguery: +exacted usury: sucked the sweat of the poor peasant's brow by all +manner of chicanery and over-reaching. On the other hand, there were +peasants so godless that if they were not thoroughly well and cruelly +fleeced, they would sneer at other folks or even their lords themselves +for their simplicity. + +Once did I see a soldier give another a sore buffet; and I conceived he +that was smitten would turn the other cheek (for as yet I had been in +no quarrel), but there was I wrong, for the insulted one drew on him, +and dealt the offender a crack of the crown. So I cried at the top of +my voice, "Ah! friend, what dost thou?" "A coward must he be," says he, +"that would not avenge himself: devil take me but I will, or I care not +to live. What! he must be a knave that would let himself be so fobbed +off." And between these two antagonists the quarrel waxed greater, for +their backers on both sides, together with the bystanders, and any man +moreover that came by chance to the spot, were presently by the ears: +and there I heard men swear by God and their own souls, so lightly, +that I could not believe they held those souls for their dearest +treasure. But all this was but child's play: for they stayed not at +such children's curses but presently 'twas so: "Thunder, lightning, +hail: strike me, tear me, devil take me," and the like, and not one +thunder or lightning but a hundred thousand, "and snatch me away into +the air." Yea, and the blessed sacraments for them must have been not +seven but a hundred thousand, and there with so many "bloodies," +"dammes," and "cursemes" that my poor hair stood on end thereat. Then +thought I of Christ's command wherein He saith, "Swear not, let your +speech be yea yea; and nay nay; for whatsoever is more is evil." + +Now all this that I saw and heard I pondered in my heart: and at the +last I firmly concluded, these bullies were no Christians at all, and +therefore I sought for other company. And worst of all it did terrify +me when I heard some such swaggerers boast of their wickedness, sin, +shame, and vice. For again and again I heard them so do, yea, day by +day; and thus they would say: "'S blood, man, but we were foxed +yesterday: three times in the day was I blind drunk and three times did +vomit all." "My stars," says another, "how did we torment the rascal +peasants!" And "Hundred thousand devils!" says a third, "what sport did +we have with the women and maids!" And so on. "I cut him down as if +lightning had struck him." "I shot him--shot him so that he shewed the +whites of his eyes!" Or again: "I rode him down so cleverly, the devil +only could fetch him off," "I put such a stone in his way that he must +needs break his neck thereover." + +Such and such-like heathen talk filled my ears every day: and more than +that, I did hear and see sins done in God's name, which are much to be +grieved for. Such wickedness was specially practised by the soldiers, +when they would say, "Now in God's name let us forth on a foray," viz., +to plunder, kidnap, shoot down, cut down, assault, capture and burn, +and all the rest of their horrible works and practices. Just as the +usurers ever invoke God with their hypocritical "In God's name": and +therewithal let their devilish avarice loose to flay and to strip +honest folk. Once did I see two rogues hanged, that would break into a +house by night to steal, and even as they had placed their ladder one +would mount it saying, "In God's name, there comes the householder": +"and in the devil's name" says he also, and therewithal threw him down: +where he broke a leg and so was captured, and a few days after strung +up together with his comrade. But I, if I saw the like, must speak out, +and out would I come with some passage of Holy Writ, or in other ways +would warn the sinner: and all men therefore held me for a fool. Yea, I +was so often laughed out of countenance in return for my good intent +that at length I took a disgust at it, and preferred altogether to keep +silence, which yet for Christian love I could not keep. I would that +all men had been reared with my hermit, believing that then many would +look on the world's ways with Simplicissimus' eyes as I then beheld +them. I had not the wit to see that if there were only Simplicissimuses +in the world then there were not so many vices to behold: meanwhile +'tis certain that a man of the world, as being accustomed to all vices +and himself partaker thereof, cannot in the least understand on what a +thorny path he and his likes do walk. + + + + +_Chap. xxvi._: A NEW AND STRANGE WAY FOR MEN TO WISH ONE ANOTHER LUCK +AND TO WELCOME ONE ANOTHER + + +Having now, as I deemed, reason to doubt whether I were among +Christians or not, I went to the pastor and told him all that I had +heard and seen, and what my thoughts were: namely, that I held these +people for mockers of Christ and His word, and no Christians at all, +with the request he would in any case help me out of my dream, that I +might know what I should count my fellow men to be. The pastor +answered: "Of a surety they be Christians, nor would I counsel thee to +call them otherwise." "O God," said I, "how can that be? for if I point +out to one or the other his sin that he committeth against God, then am +I but mocked and laughed at." "Marvel not at that," answered the +pastor; "I believe if our first pious Christians, which lived in the +time of Christ--yea, if the Apostles themselves should now rise from +the grave and come into the world, that they would put the like +question, and in the end, like thee, would be accounted of many to be +fools: yet that thou hast thus far seen and heard is but an ordinary +thing and mere child's play compared with that which elsewhere, +secretly and openly, with violence against God and man, doth happen and +is perpetrated in the world. Let not that vex thee! Thou wilt find few +Christians such as was the late Master Samuel."[6] + +Now even as we spake together, some of the opposite party which had +been taken prisoner were led across the market-place, and this broke up +our discourse, for we too must go to look on the captives. Here then I +was ware of a folly whereof I could never have dreamed, and that was a +new fashion of greeting and welcoming one another: for one of our +garrison, who also had beforetime served the emperor, knew one of the +prisoners: so he goes up to him, gives him his hand, and pressed his +for sheer joy and heartiness, and says he: "Devil take thee! art still +alive, brother? 'S blood, 'tis surely the devil that brings us together +here! Strike me blind, but I believed thou wert long since hanged." +Then answered the other: "Curse me, but is it thee or not? Devil take +thee, how camest thou here? I never thought in all my born days I +should meet thee again, but thought the devil had fetched thee long +ago." And when they parted, one says to the other (in place of "God be +wi' you"). "Gallows' luck! Gallows' luck! to-morrow will we meet again, +and be nobly drunk together." + +"Is not this a fine pious welcome?" said I to the pastor; "be not these +noble Christian wishes? Have not these men a godly intent for the +coming day? Who could know them for Christians or hearken to them +without amazement? If they so talk with one another for Christian love, +how will it fare if they do quarrel? Sir Pastor, if these be Christ's +flock, and thou their appointed shepherd, I counsel thee to lead them +in better pastures." "Yea," answered the pastor, "dear child, 'tis ever +so with these godless soldiers. God help us! If I said a word, I might +as well preach to the deaf; and should gain naught from it but the +perilous hatred of these godless fellows." + +At that I wondered, but talked yet awhile with the pastor, and went +then to wait upon the Governor; for at times had I leave to view the +town and to visit the pastor, for my lord had wind of my simplicity, +and thought such would cease if I went about seeing this and hearing +that and being taught by others or, as folks say, being broken to +harness. + + + + +_Chap. xxvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND +HOW HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND + + +Now my lord's favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the +greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister +whom the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as +good food and idleness made me sleeker. And this favour I enjoyed in +many quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me +favour also, and especially my lord's secretary was well affected to +me; and as he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my +simpleness and ignorance: he was but now fresh from the University, and +therefore was cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times +gave him the appearance of being a button short or a button too many: +often would he convince me black was white or white black; so it came +about that at first I believed him in everything and at last in +nothing. Once on a time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he +answered 'twas the best piece of furniture in his office, for out of it +he could conjure whatever he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine +raiment, and, in a word, whatsoever he possessed, all that had he +fished out of his inkhorn. Then would I not believe that out of so +small and inconsiderable a thing such noble possessions were to be had: +so he answered all this came from the Spiritus Papyri (for so did +he name his inks), and the ink-horn was for this reason named an +ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. Then I asked, how +could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a couple of fingers +in. To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit to do such +business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and handsome wife, +and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of his own and +servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have happened. At +these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folk knew such arts. + +"Surely," says he, "all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors or +advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and +numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish +diligently in it, become rich lords thereby." Then said I, "In this +wise the peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they +eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this +art." So he answered, "Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore +have no desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm +in their head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and +have the arm, but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man +will be rich thereby: and others know all and can do all that +appertains thereto, yet they dwell on the unlucky side and have no +opportunity, like me, to exercise this art properly." + +Now as we reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a truth +reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of +dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me then, I +found more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes. "And +these," said I to the secretary, "be all Adam's children and of one +stuff, and that dust and ashes? Whence cometh, then, so great a +difference;--his Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity! Be these not +properties of God alone? Here is one called 'Gracious' and another +'Worshipful.' And why must this word 'born' noble or 'well born' be +ever added? We know well that no men fall from heaven and none rise out +of the water and none grow out of the earth like cabbages." The +secretary must needs laugh at me, and took the trouble to explain to me +this and that title and all the words separately. Yet did I insist that +the titles did not do men right: for sure 'twas more credit to a man to +be called merciful than worshipful: so, too, if the word "noble" +signify in itself all incalculable virtues, why should it when placed +in the midst of the word "high-born," which applieth only to princes, +impair the dignity of the title. And as to the word "well-born," why +'twas a flat untruth: and that could any baron's mother testify; for if +one should ask her if he was well born she could say whether 'twas +"well" with her when she brought him into the world. + +And so we talked long: yet could he not convince me. But this favour of +the secretary towards me lasted not long, for by reason of my boorish +and filthy habits I presently, after his foregoing discourse, behaved +myself so foully (yet without evil intent) in his presence that he must +bid me betake myself to the pigs as to my best comrades. Yet his +disgust would have been the easier to bear had I not fallen into yet +greater disgrace; for it fared so with me as with every honest man that +cometh to court where the wicked and envious do make common cause +against him. + +For my lord had besides me a double-dyed rascal for a page, which had +already served him for two years: to him I gave my heart, for he was of +like age with myself. "And this is Jonathan," I thought, "and thou art +David." + +But he was jealous of me by reason of the great favour that my lord +shewed me, and that greater day by day: so he was concerned lest I +should step into his shoes; and therefore in secret looked upon me with +malicious and envious eyes, and sought occasion how he might put a +stumbling-block for me and by my fall prevent his own. Yet were mine +eyes as doves' eyes[7] and my intent far different from his: nay, I +confided to him all my secrets, which yet consisted in naught else than +in childish simplicity and piety. But he, innocent as I was, persuaded +me to all manner of folly, which yet I accepted for truth and honesty, +followed his counsels, and through the same (as shall not fail to be +duly treated of in its proper place) fell into grievous misfortunes. + + + + +_Chap. xxviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS GOT TWO EYES OUT OF ONE CALF'S-HEAD + + +The next day after my discourse with the secretary my master had +appointed a princely entertainment for his officers and other good +friends; for he had received the good news that his men had taken the +strong castle of Braunfels without loss of a single man: and there must +I, as at that time 'twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to +bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my +hand. The first day there was a big fat calf's-head (of which folk are +wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up. And because +this calf's-head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his +whole eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a +charming and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth +and ginger sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my +mouth did water at it. In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes, +my nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it +into my hungry belly. Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my +desires; for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that +same day I did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly +and without let or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived +it till the dish came to table and there betrayed itself and me. For +when they would carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was +wanting, my lord at once perceived what made the carver start: and he +was not a man to endure such mockery as that any should dare to say to +him he had served up a calf's-head with one eye. So the cook must +appear at table, and they that should have brought the dishes up were +with him examined: and last of all it came out that 'twas to poor +Simplicissimus the calf's-head had last been entrusted, and that with +two eyes: how it had fared thereafter no man could say. Then my lord, +as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance, asked what I had done +with the calf's eye. So I whipt my spoon out of my pouch again and gave +the calf's-head the second turn, and shewed briefly and well what they +asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like the first, in a wink. + +"Pardieu," quoth my lord, "this trick savoureth better than ten +calves." And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying +and spoke of my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a +wondrous device and a presage of future boldness and fearless and swift +resolution: so that for this time, by the repeating of the very trick +for which I had deserved punishment I not only escaped that punishment, +but from a few merry jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained +the praise of acting wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes +together, that so they might in the next world, as in this, afford help +and company to each other, to which end they were at first appointed by +nature. Yet my lord warned me to play him no more such tricks. + + + + +_Chap. xxix._: HOW A MAN STEP BY STEP MAY ATTAIN UNTO INTOXICATION AND +FINALLY UNAWARES BECOME BLIND DRUNK + + +At this banquet (and I take it it happens likewise at others) all came +to table like Christians. Grace was said very quietly, and to all +appearance very piously. And this pious silence lasted as long as they +had to deal with the soup and the first courses, as one had been at a +Quakers' meeting. But hardly had each one said "God's blessing!" three +or four times when all was already livelier. Nor can I describe how +each one's voice grew louder and louder: I could but compare the whole +company to an orator, that beginneth softly at the first and endeth +with thunder. Then dishes were served called savouries, which, being +strongly seasoned, are appointed to be eaten before the drinking begin, +that it may go the livelier, and likewise dessert, to give a flavour to +the wine, to say nothing of all manner of French pottages and Spanish +olla podridas, which by a thousand artful preparations and unnumbered +ingredients were in such wise spiced, devilled, disguised, and seasoned +(and all to further the drinking) that they, by such added ingredients +and spices, were altogether changed in their substance and different +from what Nature had made them, so that Gnaeus Manlius[8] himself, +though he had come direct from Africa and had with him the best of +cooks, yet had not recognised them. Then thought I: "Is't not like +enough that these things should disturb the senses of any man who can +take delight in them and the drink too (whereto they be specially +appointed) and change him, or even transform him, to a beast? Who knows +if even Circe used any other means but these when she did change +Ulysses his companions into swine?" For I saw how these guests at one +time devoured the food like hogs and then swilled like sows, then +carried themselves like asses, and last of all were as sick as farmers' +dogs. The noble wines of Hochheim, of Bacharach, and of Klingenberg +they tipped into their bellies in glasses as big as buckets, which +presently shewed their effects higher up, in the head. And thereupon I +saw with wonder how all changed; for here were reputable folk, which +just before were in possession of their five senses and sitting in +peace by one another, now beginning of a sudden to act the fool and to +play the silliest tricks in the world. And the great follies which they +did commit and the huge draughts which they drank to each other became +bigger as time went on, so that it seemed as if fooleries and draughts +strove with each other which of them should be accounted the greater: +but at last this contest ended in a filthy piggishness. 'Twas not +wonderful that I understood not whence their giddiness came: inasmuch +as the effect of wine, and drunkenness itself, were until now quite +unknown to me: and this left in my roguish remembrance thereafter all +manner of merry pranks and fantastic imaginings: their strange looks I +could see; but the cause of their condition I knew not. Indeed up till +then each one had emptied the pot with a good appetite: but when now +their bellies were full 'twas as hard with them as with a waggoner, +that can fare well enough with his team over level ground, yet up the +hill can scarcely toil. But though their heads were bemused, their want +of strength was made good: in one man's case by his courage, well +soaked in wine: in another the loyal desire to drink yet one health to +his friend: in a third that German chivalry which must do his neighbour +right. But even such efforts must fail in the long run. Then would one +challenge another to pour the wine in in buckets to the health of the +princes or of dear friends or of a mistress. And at this many a one's +eyes turned in his head, and the cold sweat broke out: yet still the +drinking must go on; yea, at the last they must make a noise with +drums, fifes, and stringed instruments, and shot off the ordnance, +doubtless for this cause, because the wine must take their bellies by +assault. Then did I wonder where they could be rid of it all, for I +knew not that they would turn out the same before 'twas well warm +within them (and that with great pains) out of the very place into +which they had just before poured it to the great danger of their +health. + +At this feast was also my pastor: and because he was a man like other +men, he must retire for a while. So I followed him and "Pastor," said +I, "why do these folk behave so strangely? How comes it that they do +reel this way and that? Sure it seems to me they be no longer in their +senses; for they have all eaten and drunken themselves full, and swear +devil take them if they can drink more, and yet they cease not to +swill. Be they compelled thereto, or is it in God's despite that they +of their free will waste all things so wantonly?" + +"Dear child," answered the pastor, "when the wine is in the wit is out. +This is nought compared with what is to come. To-morrow at daybreak +'twill be hardly time for them to break up; for though they have +already crammed their bellies, yet they are not yet right merry." + +So I answered, "Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so +continually? Can, then, their souls, which are God's image, abide in +such fat hog's bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and +verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God? Their precious +souls, I say, how can they so let themselves be tortured? Be not their +senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels +of unreasoning beasts?" + +"Hold thou thy tongue," answered the pastor, "or thou mayest get thee a +sound thrashing: here 'tis no time to preach, or I could do it better +than thou." So when I heard this I looked on in silence further, and +saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that the +poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished, +before our gates in the shape of many hundred expelled peasants of the +Wetterau, whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town +there was famine. + + + + +_Chap. xxx._: STILL TREATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO +BE RID OF PARSONS THEREAT + + +So this gormandising went on as before, and I must wait on them as from +the beginning of the feast. My pastor was still there, and was forced +to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but said +he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot +companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a +beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men. "For," +says he, "a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him and +quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care to +drink wine at all. But 'tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink +profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers +did." "Yes, yes," says the pastor, "but for me 'tis proper to keep due +measure." "Right," says the other, "a man of honour must keep his +word": and thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure, +and with that in his hand he reels back to the pastor. But he was gone +and left the tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket. + +So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and 'twas for +all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and +opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbour with drunkenness, to +bring him to shame, or to play him some scurvy trick: for when one of +them was so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand, +the cry was, "Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me: +now must thou drink the like"; and so on. But he that could last +longest and drink deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to +himself a fellow of no mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about, +as they had drunk henbane. 'Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see +how they did fool, and yet none wondered but I. One sang: one wept: one +laughed: another moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted +"Courage!" another could not even speak. One was quiet and peaceable: +another would drive the devil out by swaggering: one slept and was +silent, another talked so fast that none could stand up against him. +One told stories of tender love adventures, another of his dreadful +deeds in war. Some talked of church and clergy, some of the +constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the empire and of the +world. Some ran hither and thither and could not keep still: some lay +where they were and could not stir a finger, much less stand up or +walk. Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they had been a +week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had eaten +that very day. In a word, their whole carriage was comical, strange and +mad: and moreover sinful and godless. At the last there arose at the +lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung glasses, cups, +dishes, and plates at each other's heads and fought, not with fists +only, but with chairs and legs of chairs, yea, with swords and whatever +came to hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but +to that my lord presently put an end. + + + + +_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX + + +So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the +minstrels and the womenfolk, and away to another house wherein was a +great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly. But my lord +throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from +over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and +sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs +whistle to me: and that he could not. Then he would call; but naught +could he say but "Simple!" So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn +in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I +before him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do. But he +pointed to the washstand and stammered out. "Bra-bra-bring me +that, thou rogue: ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin. I mu-mu-must shoot a +fo-fo-fo-fox!" + +So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I could +come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter. Then he took me +quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin +right before his mouth. Then all must out, with grievous retchings, and +such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted +away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some +fragments spurted up into my face. And nearly did I do the same: but +when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright +and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit. For the cold +sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man's. +But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with +that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly. + +Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where I +should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a +silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my +lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and +asked what I should do with the fox. "Thou fool," says he, "go and take +it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith." So I asked where could I +find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity. "Nay," says he, "take +it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord's state of +health is." And such an April fool's journey had I surely gone, but +that the steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me +therefore take the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids +should serve it up with seasoning. And this I did in all good faith, +and was by those baggages soundly laughed at for my pains. + + + + +_Chap. xxxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE + + +Just as I was free of my basin my lord was going forth: so I followed +him to a great house, where in a room I saw gentlemen and ladies, +bachelors and maidens, twisting about so quickly that everything spun +round: with such stamping and noise that I deemed they were all gone +mad, for I could not imagine what they could intend with this rage and +fury: yea, the very sight of them was so terrible, so fearful, and so +dreadful that all my hair stood on end, and I could believe nothing but +that they were all bereft of reason. And as we came nearer I was aware +that these were our guests, which had up till noon been in their right +senses. "Good God," thought I, "what do these poor folk intend to do? +Surely madness is come upon them." Yet presently I thought these might +perchance be hellish spirits, which under this disguise did make a mock +of the whole human race by such wanton capers and monkey-tricks: for I +thought, had they human souls and God's image in them, sure they would +not act so unlike to men. + +When my lord came in and would enter the room, the tumult ceased, save +that there was such bowing and ducking with the heads and such +curtseying and scraping with the feet on the floor that methought they +would scrape out the foot-tracks they had trodden in their furious +madness. And by the sweat that ran down their faces, and by their +puffing and blowing, I could perceive they had struggled hard: yet did +their cheerful countenances declare that such labours had not vexed +them. Now was I fain to know what this mad behaviour might mean, and +therefore asked of my comrade and trusted confidant what such lunatic +doings might signify, or for what purpose this furious ramping and +stamping was intended. And he, as the real truth, told me that all +there present had agreed to stamp down the floor of the room. "For +how," says he, "canst thou otherwise suppose that they would so stamp +about? Hast thou not seen how they broke all the windows for pastime? +Even so will they break in this floor." "Good heavens!" quoth I, "then +must we also fall, and in falling break our legs and our necks in their +company?" "Yea," quoth my comrade, "'tis their purpose, and therefore +do they work so devilishly hard. And thou wilt see that when they do +find themselves in danger of death each one seizes upon a fair lady or +maiden, for 'tis said that to couples that fall holding one another in +this way no grievous harm is wont to happen." + +Now as I believed all this tale, there fell upon me such anguish and +fear of death that I knew not where I should stand, and when the +minstrels, which I had not before seen, made themselves likewise heard, +and every man ran to his lady as soldiers run to their guns or to their +ranks when they hear the drums beat the alarm, and each man took his +partner by the hand, 'twas to me even as if I saw the floor already +a-sinking, and my neck and those of many others a-breaking. But when +they began to jump so that the whole building shook (for they played +just then a lively galop), then thought I, "Now is thy life at stake." +For I thought nought else but that the whole building would suddenly +tumble in: so in my deadly fear I seized upon a lady of high nobility +and eminent virtues with whom my lord was even then conversing. Her I +caught all unawares by the arm, like a bear, and clung to her like a +burr, but when she struggled, as not knowing what foolish fancies were +in my head, I acted as one desperate, and for sheer despair began to +scream as if they would murder me. Now did the music cease of a sudden: +the dancers and their partners stopped dancing, and the honourable lady +to whose arm I still clung deemed herself grievously insulted; for she +fancied my lord had had all this done for her annoyance, who thereupon +commanded that I should be soundly whipped and then locked up +somewhere, "for," said he, "'twas not the first trick I had played on +him that day." Yet the grooms which were to carry out his orders had +sympathy with me, and spared me the whipping and locked me up in a +goose-pen under the staircase. + + + + + +BOOK II. + + + + +_Chap. i._: HOW A GOOSE AND A GANDER WERE MATED + + +So in my goose-pen I pondered on all that I have set down in black and +white in my first part; of which, therefore, there is no need in this +place to say more. Yet can I not choose but say that even then I +doubted whether the dancers in truth were so mad to stamp the floor +down or whether I was only so led to believe. Now will I further relate +how I came again out of my goose prison. For three whole hours, namely, +till that "Praeludium Veneris" (I should have said that seemly dance) +was ended, I must perforce sit till one came softly and fumbled with +the bolt: so I listened as quiet as any mouse, and presently the fellow +that was at the door not only opened it but whipped in himself as quick +as I would fain have whipped out, and with him by the hand he led in a +lady, even as I had seen done at the dancing. I knew not what was to +happen: but because I was now accustomed to all such strange adventures +as had happened to me, poor fool, on that one day, and had made up my +mind to bear with patience and silence whatever my fate might bring me, +I crept close to the door and with fear and trembling waited for the +end. So presently there was between these two a whispering, whereof I +could understand naught save that the one party complained of the evil +air of the place, and on the other hand the second party would console +the first. + +Thereupon I heard kisses and observed strange postures, yet knew not +what this should mean, and therefore still kept still as a mouse. Yet +when a comical noise arose and the goose-pen, which was but of boards +nailed together below the staircase, began to shake and crack, and +moreover the lady seemed in trouble, I thought, surely these be two of +those mad folk which helped to stamp on the floor, and have now betaken +themselves hither to behave in like manner, and bring thee to thy +death. + +As soon as these thoughts came into my head, I seized upon the door, so +to escape death, and out I whipt with a cry of "Murder" as loud as that +which had brought me to that place. Yet had I the sense to bolt the +door behind me and make for the open house-door. + +This was now the first wedding I was ever present at in my life, and +even to that I had not been invited: on the other hand, I needed to +give no wedding-gift, though the bridegroom did mark up a heavy score +against me, which I honourably discharged. + +Gentle reader, I tell this story not that thou mayest laugh thereat, +but that my History may be complete, and my readers may take to heart +what honourable fruits are to be expected from this dancing. For this I +hold for certain, that in these dances many a bargain is struck up, +whereof the whole company hath cause thereafter to be shamed. + + + + +_Chap. ii._: CONCERNING THE MERITS AND VIRTUES OF A GOOD BATH AT THE +PROPER SEASON + + +And now, when I had luckily escaped from my goose-pen, I was then first +aware of my sad plight. In my master's quarters all was sound asleep: +so dared I not address myself to the sentry that stood before the +house: and at the Mainguard assuredly they would not entertain me: +while to abide in the streets was too cold: so I knew not whither to +betake myself. Long past midnight it was when it came into my head to +seek refuge with the pastor so often spoken of before; and this thought +I followed so far as to knock at his door: and therein was so +importunate that at last the maid, with much ill will, admitted me. But +forthwith she began to chide with me; and this her master, who had by +this time wellnigh slept off his wine, heard. So he called us both to +him as he lay in his chamber: and ordered his maid, to put me to bed: +for he could well perceive that I was numbed with the cold. Yet was I +hardly warm in my bed when day began to break and the good pastor stood +by my bedside to hear how it had gone with me and how my business had +fared, for I could not rise to go to him. So I told him all, and began +with the tricks which my comrade the page had taught me, and how ill +they had turned out. Thereafter I must tell him how the guests, after +he, the pastor, had left the table, had lost their wits and (as my +comrade had told me) determined to stamp down the floor of the house: +item into what fearful terror I thereupon fell, and in what fashion I +tried to save my life: how thereafter I was shut up in a goose-pen and +what I had noted in words and works of those two which had delivered +me, and in what manner I had locked them both up in my stead. + +"Simplicissimus," said the pastor, "thy case stands but lousily: thou +hadst a good opportunity; but I fear, I fear thou hast fooled it away. +Get thee quick out of bed and pack out of my house, lest I come with +thee under my lord's displeasure if thou be found here with me." So I +must away, with my wet clothes, and now for the first time must +understand how well he stands with all and sundry who doth but possess +his master's favour: yet how askance he is looked upon when that favour +halteth. + +Away I went to my master's lodging, wherein all were yet sound asleep +save the cook and a maid or two: these last were ordering the room +wherein the day before had been the carouse, and the first was +preparing from the remains of the feast a breakfast, or rather a +luncheon. So first I betook myself to the maids: they had to deal with +all manner of drinking-glasses and window-glass strewn up and down. In +some places all was foul with what the guests had voided both upwards +and downwards: in other places were great pools of spilt wine and beer, +so that the floor looked like a map wherein a man could trace separate +seas, islands, and continents. And in that room was the smell far worse +than in my goose-pen: and therefore I delayed not long there but betook +myself to the kitchen, and there had my clothes dried on my body before +the fire, expecting with fear and trembling what tricks fortune would +further play with me when my lord should awake. Then did I reflect upon +all the folly and senselessness of the world, and ran over in my mind +all that happened to me in the past day and night and what I had seen +and heard in that time. So when I thought thereon I did even deem the +poor and miserable life which my old hermit led a happy one, and +heartily I wished him and myself back in our old place. + + + + +_Chap. iii._: HOW THE OTHER PAGE RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR HIS TEACHING, AND +HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHOSEN TO BE A FOOL + + +When my lord rose he sent his orderly to fetch me from the goose-pen: +who brought news he had found the door open and a hole cut with a knife +behind the bolt, by which means the prisoner had escaped. But before +such report came my lord understood from others that I had for a long +time been in the kitchen. Meanwhile the servants must run hither and +thither to fetch yesterday's guests to breakfast: among whom was also +the pastor, who must appear earlier than the rest because my master +would talk with him concerning me before they went to table. He asked +him first, did he account me sane or mad, and whether I was in truth so +simple or not the rather mischievous; and told him all: how unseemly I +had carried myself all the day and evening before, which was in part +taken amiss by his guests, and so regarded as if this had been done of +malice and in their despite; item, that he had caused me to be shut up +in a goose-pen to protect himself against such tricks as I might yet +further have played him; which prison I had broken and now held my +state in the kitchen like a gentleman who need no longer wait on him: +in his lifetime no such trick had ever happened to him as I had played +him in the presence of so many honourable persons: he knew not what to +do with me save to have me soundly beaten, and, since I behaved myself +so clownishly, to send me to the devil. + +Meantime, while my master so complained of me, the guests assembled by +degrees; so when he had said his say the pastor answered, if the Lord +Governor would please to hearken to him with patience for a little +while, he would tell him this and that regarding Simplicissimus, from +which not only his innocence could be known, but also all unfavourable +thoughts removed from the minds of them that had taken a disgust at his +conduct. + +Now while they thus discoursed of me in the chamber above, that same +mad ensign whom I in mine own person had imprisoned in my place makes a +treaty with me below-stairs in the kitchen, and by threats and by a +thaler which he put in my pouch, brought me to this, that I promised +him to keep a still tongue concerning his doings. + +So the tables were set, and, as on the day before, furnished with food +and with guests. There wormwood, sage wine, elecampane, quince and +lemon drinks, with hippocras, were to clear the heads and stomachs of +the drinkers; for for one and all there was the devil to pay. Their +first talk was of themselves, and that chiefly of how brave a bout of +drinking they had had yesterday: nor was there any among them that +would truly confess he had been drunk, albeit the evening before some +had called the devil to witness they could drink no more. Some indeed +confessed that they had headaches: yet others would have it 'twas only +since men had ceased to drink themselves full in the good old mode that +such aches had come in fashion. But when they were tired both of +hearing and talking of their own follies, poor Simplicissimus must bear +the brunt. And the Governor himself reminded the pastor to tell of +those merry happenings which he had promised. + +So the pastor begged first that none should take offence inasmuch as he +must use words which might be accounted unbefitting his holy office. +Then he went on to tell how sorely I was plagued by nature, how I had +caused great disgust thereby to the secretary in his office, and how I +had learned, together with the art of prophecy, also certain +enchantments[9] against such mishaps, and how ill such arts had turned +out when they were tried; item, how the dancing had seemed so strange +to me, because I had never seen the like before, what an explication +thereof I had heard from my comrade, and for what reason I had seized +upon the noble lady, and thereupon had found my way into the goose-pen. +All this he enounced with such a civil and discreet way of speaking +that they were fit to split with laughing, and so completely forgave my +simplicity and ignorance that I was restored to my master's favour and +was allowed to wait at table again. But of what had happened to me in +the goose-pen and how I was delivered therefrom would he say nought, +for it seemed to him some old antediluvian images might have taken +offence at him, which believe that pastors should always look sour. +Then again my master, to make sport for his guests, asked me what had I +given to my comrade that had taught me those pretty tricks: so I said, +"Nothing at all." Then says he, "I will pay him the school fees for +thee." So he had him clapt in a winnowing basket and there soundly +trounced: even as I had been dealt with the day before, when I tried +those magical arts and found them false. + +So now my master had proof enough of my simplicity, and would fain give +me the more occasion to make sport for him and his guests: he saw well +that all the minstrels availed nothing so long as the company had me to +make sport for them, for to every one it seemed that I, with my foolish +fancies, was better than a dozen lutes. So he asked me why I had cut a +hole in the door of the goose-pen. I answered, "Another may have done +it." "Who then?" says he. "Why," says I, "he that came to me." "And who +came to thee?" quoth he. "Nay," says I, "that may I tell no man." Now +my master was a man of a quick wit, and he saw well how one must go +about with me: so he turns him about and of a sudden he asks me who it +was that had forbidden me, and I of a sudden answered, "The mad +ensign." + +Then, when I perceived by the laughter of all that I had mightily +committed myself, and the mad ensign who sat at table also grew red as +a hot coal, I would say no more till by him it should be allowed. Yet +this was but a matter of a nod, which served my master instead of a +command, to the ensign, and forthwith I might tell all I knew. And +thereupon my master questioned me what the mad ensign had had to do +with me in the goose-pen. "Oh," says I, "he brought a young lady to me +there." + +And thereupon there arose among all that were present such laughter +that my master could hear me no longer, let alone ask me more +questions; and 'twas not needful, for if he had, that honourable young +maiden (forsooth) might have been put to shame. + +Thereafter the Controller of the Household told all at table how a +little before I had come home from the ramparts and had said I knew now +where the thunder and lightning came from: for I had seen great beams +on half-waggons, which were all hollow inside: into these, men rammed +in onion-seed with an iron turnip with the tail off, and then tickled +the beams behind with a spit, whereupon there was driven out in front +smoke and thunder and hell-fire. Then they told many more such stories +of me, so that for the whole of that breakfast-time there was no other +employ but to talk of me and laugh at me. And this was the cause of a +general conclusion, to my destruction; which was that I should be +soundly befooled. For with such treatment I should in time prove a rare +jester, by whose means one could do honour to the greatest princes in +the world and cause laughter to a dying man. + + + + +_Chap. iv._: CONCERNING THE MAN THAT PAYS THE MONEY, AND OF THE +MILITARY SERVICE THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS DID FOR THE CROWN OF SWEDEN: +THROUGH WHICH SERVICE HE GOT THE NAME OF SIMPLICISSIMUS + + +But now, as they began to carouse and to make merry as they had done +the day before, the watch brings news, together with the delivery of +letters to the Governor, of a commissary that was at the gate, which +same was appointed by the war council of the Crown of Sweden to review +the garrison and survey the fortress. Such news spoiled all jesting, +and all jollity died away like the bellows of a bagpipe when the wind +is gone out. The minstrels and the guests dispersed themselves even as +tobacco-smoke, which leaves but a smell behind it: while my lord, with +the adjutant who kept the keys, betook himself, together with a +detachment from the Mainguard and many torches, to the very gates, +himself to give admittance to the Blackguts, as he called him: he +wished, he said, the devil had broke his neck in a thousand pieces ere +ever he came to the city. Yet so soon as he had let him in and welcomed +him upon the inner drawbridge it wanted but a little, or nothing at +all, but he would hold his stirrup for him to shew his devotion; yea, +the courtesy to all outward shew was between the two so great that the +Commissary must dismount and walk on foot with my lord even to his +lodging; and as they walked each would have the left-hand place. + +Then thought I, "Oh, what a wondrous spirit of falsehood doth govern +all mankind, and so doth make one a fool through another's help." + +So we drew near to the Mainguard, and the sentinel must call "Who goes +there?" though well he knew it was my lord: who would not answer but +would leave the honour to that other: yet when the sentinel grew more +impatient and repeated his challenge, the Commissary answered to the +last "Who goes there?" "The man who pays the money." + +Now as we passed the sentry-box, and I came last of all, I heard the +before-mentioned sentry, which was a new recruit, and before that by +profession a well-to-do young farmer on the Vogelsberg, thus murmur to +himself: "Yea, and a lying customer thou art: a man, forsooth, that +pays the money? a skin-the-flint that takes the money, that art thou. +So much money hast thou wrung from me that I would to God thou wert +struck dead before thou shouldst leave this town." + +So from that hour I conceived this belief that this foreign lord with +the silk doublet must be a holy man: for not only did no curse harm +him, but also even they that hated him shewed him all honour and love +and kindness: and that night was he princely entreated and made blind +drunk, and thereafter put to bed in a noble bedplace. + +Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes and +sevens. And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat +that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may +well know they do choose no simple babes). Which same deceit I learned +in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five +with the right hand and four with the left on a drum. For yet I was too +little to represent a musqueteer. So they furnished me forth to that +end with borrowed clothes (for my short page's breeches were in no wise +military to look upon) and with a borrowed drum: without doubt for this +reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came +happily through the inspection. Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one +trust my simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name, +hearing which I should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so +must I keep the name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor +himself added that of Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the +muster-roll. And so he made me like a bastard, the first of my family; +and that although, after his own shewing, I looked so like his own +sister. So ever thereafter I bore this name and surname, until I knew +my right name: and under that name I played my part pretty well to the +profit of the Governor and small danger to the Crown of Sweden. And +this is all the service that ever I rendered to the crown of Sweden in +all my life: and the enemies of that crown can at least not lay more +than this to my charge. + + + + +_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS BY FOUR DEVILS BROUGHT INTO HELL AND +THERE TREATED WITH SPANISH WINE + + +Now when the Commissary had gone the abovementioned pastor bade me come +secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, "O Simplicissimus: +for thy youth I am sorry, and thy future misery moveth me to sympathy. +Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined +to deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and +to that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for +thee. So to-morrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art +to unlearn thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so +grievously torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be +used against it, without doubt thou wilt become a madman. Now, because +such is a wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because +I, for thy hermit's piety's sake and for thine own innocence' sake, +desire to serve thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with +counsel and all necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble, +therefore follow thou now my teaching and take this powder, which will +in such wise strengthen thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to +thine understanding, mayst endure all things most easily. Here likewise +hast thou an ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy +spine and the nape of thy neck, and also thy nostrils; and both these +things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at +no time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but +look thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I +impart to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee. And when they +shall have thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor +believe not all of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so +carry thyself as if thou believest all. Say but little, lest thine +attendants mark in thy conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then +will they change the fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know +not in what manner they will go about to deal with thee. But when thou +shalt be clad in thy plumes and thy fool's coat, then come again to me +that I may further serve thee with counsel. And meanwhile will I pray +God for thee, that He may protect thine understanding and thy health of +body." + +With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook +myself home. + +Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened. In my first sleep +came four rogues disguised with frightful devils' masks into my room +and to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks and +twelfth-night fools. There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch +in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed +and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my +clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and +natural devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and shewed all +the effects of the greatest terror. So they told me I must go with +them: and with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could +neither see, hear nor cry out. Then they led me by many winding ways up +and down many stairs, and at last into a cellar wherein was a great +fire burning, and when they had unbound the napkin then they began to +drink to me in Spanish wine and malmsey. And fain would they persuade +me I was dead, and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was +careful to keep such a carriage as if I believed all that they +pretended. + +Then said they, "Drink lustily; for thou must for ever abide with us: +but if thou wilt not be a good fellow and take thy part, thou must +forthwith into this fire that thou seest." + +These poor devils would have disguised their speech and voice: yet I +marked at once they were my lord's grooms: yet I let them not perceive +this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that would make me a fool must +themselves be my fools. So I drank my share of the Spanish wine; but +they drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar cometh rarely to such +customers; insomuch that I could swear they would be drunk sooner than +I. But when it seemed to me to be the right time I so behaved myself +with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my master's guests lately +do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep; but no: they began to +chase me all round the cellar and prick me with their prong, which all +the time they had left to lie in the fire, till it seemed as if they +themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more or at least not +go to sleep. And whenever, being thus baited, I fell down (and this I +often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made as if they +would cast me into the fire. So was it with me as with a hawk that is +kept from sleep[10]: and this was my great torment. 'Tis true I could +have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but they +stayed not all the time altogether, but relieved one another's watch; +and so at last must I have failed. Three days and two nights did I +spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the +fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if 'twould +burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to rid me at once of +my torment and of my tormentors. And this did I even as does the fox +when he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could +no longer endure to be near me. So to punish me they laid me in a sheet +and trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well +have come out, soul and all. And what they did further with me I know +not, so gone was I from my senses. + + + + +_Chap. vi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A +CALF + + +Now when I came to myself I found myself no longer in the gloomy cellar +with the devils, but in a fine room under the charge of three of the +foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them at first, when +I opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then +read the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be the Furies, +or at least have taken one for Tisiphone come from hell to rob me, like +Athamas, of my wits (for well I knew I was there to be turned into a +fool). For she had a pair of eyes like two will-o'-the-wisps, and +between the same a long, thin hawk's nose whose end or point reached at +least to her lower lip: and two teeth only could I see in her mouth, +and those so perfect, long, round, and thick that each might for its +form be likened to a ring-finger, and for its colour to the gold ring +itself. In a word, there was enough to make up a mouthful of teeth, yet +ill distributed. Her face was like Spanish leather, and her grey hair +hung in a strange confusion about her head, for they had but just +fetched her from her bed. In truth it was a fearsome sight, which could +serve for nought else but as an excellent remedy against the +unreasonable lust of a salacious goat. The other two were no whit +handsomer, save that they had blunt apes' noses and had put on their +clothes somewhat more orderly. So when I had a little recovered myself, +I perceived that the one was our dish-washer and the other two wives of +two grooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth I was +in no condition for dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames +stripped me stark naked and cleansed me from all filth like a young +child; yea, while the work was a-doing they shewed me great patience +and much compassion, insomuch that I nearly revealed to them how it +truly stood with me: yet I thought, "Nay, Simplicissimus, trust thou in +no old women; but consider thou hast victory enough if thou in thy +youth canst deceive three such crafty old hags, with whose help one +could catch the devil in the open field: from such beginnings thou +mayst hope in thine old age to do yet greater things." + +So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein I +fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and +other things wherewith they had washed me away with them, and my +clothes likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one +stretch twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads +with wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white +shirts, taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and +the like dazzling trinkets. One had a gilded trencher full of cakes, +shortbread, marchpane, and other confectionery; but the other a gilded +flagon in his hand. These two angels (for such they gave themselves out +to be) sought to persuade me I was now in heaven, for that I had +happily endured purgatory and had escaped from the devil and his dam: +so need I only ask what my heart desired, for all that I could wish was +at hand or, if not, they could presently fetch it. Now I was tormented +by thirst, and as I saw the beaker before me I desired only drink, +which was willingly handed to me. Yet was it no wine but a gentle +sleeping-draught which I drank at one pull, and with that again fell +asleep so soon as it grew warm within me. + +The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet +found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine +old goose-pen. There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar, +and besides that I had on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough +side was turned outwards: the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian +fashion and the doublet too shaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on +my neck was a headpiece like a monk's cowl; this was drawn down over my +head and ornamented with a fine pair of great asses' ears. Then must I +perforce laugh at mine own plight; for well I saw by the nest and the +feathers what manner of bird I was to be. And at that time I first +began to reason with myself and to reflect what I had best do. So this +I determined: to play the fool to the uttermost, as I might have the +chance now and again, and meanwhile to wait with patience how my fate +would shape itself. + + + + +_Chap. vii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A +BRUTE BEAST + + +Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign +had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a +fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath +not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present +myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long +before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me; +for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who +was in there. So I answered: "Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in +here." And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and +wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became +them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited +comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought +often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel +what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the +Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak +than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did, +and I answered, "Sorrily enough." So they asked why, and I said, "For +this reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves in +goose-pens. Ye rogues must know that a proper ox will in due time come +of me; and so must I be brought up as becometh an honourable steer." + +So after this brief discourse they had me with them across the street +to the Governor's quarters: a great crowd of boys following us, and +inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, the very +blind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calves was +being driven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a pack +of young fools and old. + +Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the +world as if they had taken me as plunder: them he rewarded with a +gratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have +about him. So I thought of the Goldsmith's[11] apprentice and answered +thus: "Good, my lord, but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we +calves can endure no such treatment if we are to grow and to turn into +fine heads of cattle." The Governor promised me better things, and +thought himself a clever fellow to have made so presentable a fool out +of me. "But no," thought I, "wait thou, my dear master; I have endured +the trial by fire and therein have I been hardened: now will we try +which of us two can best trick the other." + +Now just then a peasant that had fled into the city was driving his +cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran +to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but +they, when I came to them, were more terrified at me than a wolf, +albeit I wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and +scattered so quickly from one another as if a hornet's nest had been +let loose among them in August, so that their master could not again +bring them together at the same place: which occasioned pretty sport. +And in a wink a crowd of folk ran together to see this fool's jape, and +as my lord laughed till he was fit to burst, at last he said, "Truly +one fool maketh a hundred more." + +But I thought to myself, "Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine +own self." + +And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my +part had a scoffing nickname for every one: which same, according to +the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily; +for I christened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did +count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their +wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each +one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men +the cleverest. + +The said jest which I played with the peasant's cattle made a short +forenoon still shorter; for 'twas then about the winter solstice. At +dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint +tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man's +food or drink: for I said roundly I would have only grass, which at +that time 'twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of +calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulled over the heads +of two little boys: and these he set by me at table, and for a first +course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fall to +lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with +salt to eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this, +but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better. + +"Of a certainty," said they, when they saw me so unmoved, "'tis no new +thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese, and butter; yea, and at +times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays the beasts do know what +is good. Ay, and 'tis nowadays come to that, that but little difference +is to be found between them and mankind. Wilt thou not play thy part +therein?" And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was +hungry, and not because I had before seen with mine own eyes how men +could be more swinish than pigs, more savage than lions, more lustful +than goats, more envious than dogs, more unruly than horses, more +stupid than asses, more mad for drink than the brutes, craftier than +foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonous than +asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men's food, and only by their +shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in respect of +innocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I ate my +fill with my fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a +stranger had unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without +doubt he had imagined that Circe of old had risen up again to turn men +into beasts; which art my master then knew and practised. And as I took +my dinner, so was I treated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests +or parasites fed with me, so must they with me to bed, though my lord +would not permit that I should pass the night in the cow-byre. Now all +this I did to befool them that would have held me for a fool, and this +sure conclusion did I make, that the most gracious God doth lend and +impart to every man in his station to which He hath called him, so much +wit as he hath need of there to maintain himself: yea, and moreover, +that many do vainly imagine, doctors though they be or not, that they +alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade, whereas there be +as many good fish[12] in the sea yet. + + + + +_Chap. viii._: DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE +FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS + + +Now when I awaked next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up and +away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away +the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him +I told all that had happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell. So +when he saw that it vexed my conscience that I should deceive so many +folk, and specially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, "why, +upon that point," says he, "thou needest not to trouble thyself: this +foolish world will be befooled; and if they have left thee thy wits, so +use thou those same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine to thyself +as if thou, like to the Phœnix, hast been newly born from folly to +understanding through fire, and so to a new human life. Yet know thou +withal thou art not yet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason +hast slipped into this fool's cap. Yea, and these times be so out of +joint that none can know whether thou yet escape without loss of thy +life. For a man can run quickly into hell, but to get out again doth +need a deal of puffing and blowing: and thou art not yet--no, not by a +long way--man enough to escape the danger that lies before thee, as +well thou mightest suppose. So wilt thou have need of more foresight +and wit than in those days when thou knewest not what reason or +unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turn of the tide." + +Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and +that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I +fancied myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit +and art slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face, +that he was sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed +what part had he in me? With that I changed my discourse also, and +busied myself to give him great thanks for the excellent remedies which +he had imparted to me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made +him impossible promises to repay him all that my debt to him demanded. +Now this tickled him and brought him again to a different humour, +wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had +invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis had perfected, and that not +without great pains, whereby he could teach men at the repeating of a +single word to recount all that they had ever heard or read, and such a +thing, said he, "were not possible without medicines to strengthen the +head such as he had ministered to me." + +"Yea," thought I, "my good master parson: yet have I read in thine own +books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a different tale of that wherein +the Skepsian's mnemonic did consist." + +Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth, +'twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became +keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and +told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30,000 soldiers by his +right name; how Lucius Scipio could do the like with every citizen of +Rome; and how Cineas, Pyrrhus's ambassador, on the very day after he +came to Rome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators, +and nobles. Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm +men speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister +judgment in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately. So, +too, the learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know +out of all the books in a whole library if he had but read them once +through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000 names in order if they were once +recited before him and, as Ravisius tells, could repeat 200 verses +spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to the first. So Esdras knew +the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictate the same word by +word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year did learn the Persian +Speech, and Crassus, in Asia, could talk the five separate dialects of +the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects. +Julius Cæsar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences. +The holy Jerome knew both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median, +Arabic and Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by +heart only from hearing it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican +that he could hear 6000 men's names recited and thereafter repeat them +in proper order. + +"And all this I tell thee," said he further, "that thou mayest not hold +it for an impossible thing that a man's memory should be excellently +strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the other hand, be in +many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed. For in man there is +no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason of sickness, +terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it either vanisheth away or loseth +a great part of its virtue. So do we read of a learned man at Athens +that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot all he had ever +learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason of sickness, +came to this, that he forgot his own servant's name: and Messala +Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory. +And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot +how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a +year's time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place +and the same time, could again write and read. So if a man eat bear's +brains, 'tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as +if he himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a +Spanish nobleman who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and +could believe nought else but that he was a bear. My good +Simplicissimus, had thy master but known this art, thou mightest well +have been changed into a bear like Callisto, rather than into a bull +like Jupiter." + +The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his +medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come. +So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one +hundred boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like +calves: insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the window, +and when he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh +heartily thereat. + + + + +_Chap. ix._: CROOKED PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY + + +Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the +parlour, for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to +see and to hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like +a dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took +occasion to say she had been told this calf could speak, but now she +did plainly perceive 'twas not true. Whereto I made answer I had also +heard apes could not speak, but now could plainly hear 'twas not so. + +"What;" says my lord, "opinest thou, then, that these ladies be apes?" + +So I answered, "Be they not so already, yet they soon will be: for who +knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expected to become +a calf; and yet am I that same." + +Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should +become apes: so I answered him, "Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts +naked, but these ladies do so carry their bosom: which other maidens be +wont to cover." + +"Ah, rogue," saith my lord, "thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou +art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what 'tis +worth men's while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for +sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein +thou hast offended: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt thee to +thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how +to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is +becoming." + +So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again from foot to +head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would take her +to wife: and at last, "Sir," said I, "I see clearly where the fault +lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. The villain hath left +those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast, below in the +skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botcher should have +his hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this." And "Lady," +quoth I to her, "be rid of him, or he will shame you; and have a care +that you do deal with my dad's tailor, which same was hight Master +Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns for my mammy, our Ann, +and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never +drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believe what fine +clothes he would make for the hussies." + +So says my lord, "Were now thy father's Ann and thy father's Ursula +handsomer than these ladies;" + +"Nay," said I, "my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair +as yellow as sulphur, and the parting of her hair so white and smooth +as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom; yea, and her hair so +sweetly done up in rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yea, and as +if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a +dozen of sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! is +it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man's skull +that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 'Tis pity indeed +that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see +this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady +had the king's evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour; and +this were surely pity: for look upon those sparkling eyes: they shine +as black as did the soot on my dad's chimney; for that did use to shine +so terribly when our Ann stood there before it with a wisp of straw to +warm the room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a +blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters +with which the Swabian waggoners at Ulm did truss up their breeches. +Yet the bright red which she hath on her lips doth far surpass the +colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (I pray my masters +give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rows of teeth, so +orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut out of a white +turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any one should feel +pain if thou shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, her neck is as white +as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of like colour. And +oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they be so slender, so +long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the world like a +gipsy's fingers, ready to thrust into any man's pockets and there go +a-fishing." + +With that there arose such a laughter that none could hear me, nor I +talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mocked by +others so long as I would, and no longer. + + + + +_Chap. x._: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS + + +Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service: +for now had I made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise +all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well +fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his +vices, and if there were any that shewed displeasure, then was he +laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would +demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As +to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at +once. Yet the first who (at my lord's nod) did answer me reasonably was +the secretary; for when I called him a "title-forger" and asked what +title, then, had our first father Adam, "Thou talkest," answered he, +"like an unreasoning calf: for thou knowest not how after our first +parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such +as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in +such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were +exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods: +and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the +histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between +men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but +since thou art but a calf, and so neither worthy nor capable of human +honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to +the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice." + +So I answered: "I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read +pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not +this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak +otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and +what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give +nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of +these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes +and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them? +And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do +descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a +stockfish and thy mother a plaice." + +"Oho!" answered the secretary, "if the matter is to be settled by our +reviling of each other, then can I cast in thy teeth thy father was but +a clownish peasant of the Spessart, and though in thy home and in thy +family there be many famous blockheads, yet thou hast made thyself yet +lower, seeing that thou art become an unreasoning calf." + +So I answered: "Thou art right; 'tis even that that that I would +maintain; namely, that the virtues of the parents descend not always to +the children, and that therefore the children be not always worthy of +their parent's titles of honour. For me it is no shame to have become a +calf, seeing that in such case I have the honour to follow the great +king Nebuchadnezzar. Who knoweth whether it may not please God that I, +like him, may again become a man, yea, and a far greater one than my +dad? Yet do I praise those only that by their own virtues do make +themselves nobles." + +"Let it be so for the sake of argument," said the secretary, "that the +children should not always inherit the titles of their parents, yet +thou must acknowledge that they are worthy of all praise which do earn +their nobility by a good conduct: and if that be so, it followeth that +we do rightly honour the children for the parents' sake, since the +apple falleth not far from the tree. And who would not honour in the +descendants of Alexander the Great, if such there were to hand, their +ancient forefather's high courage in the wars. For this man shewed in +his youth his desire for fighting, in that he wept (though not yet able +to bear arms) grieving lest his father might conquer all and leave him +nothing to subdue. Did not he before the thirtieth year of his age +overcome all the world and wish for another to conquer? Did not he in a +battle against the Indians, when he was deserted by his men, for sheer +rage sweat blood? And was he not so terrible to look upon (as though he +were all begirt with flames of fire) that even the savages must flee +before him in battle? Who would not esteem him higher and nobler than +other men, of whom Quintus Curtius tells that his breath was like +perfume and his sweat like musk and that his dead body smelt of +precious spiceries? Here could I cite the case of Julius Cæsar and +Pompeius, of whom the one, besides the victories which he won in the +civil wars, did fifty times engage in pitched battles, and defeated and +slew 1,520,000 men: while the other, besides the taking of 940 ships +from the pirates, did from the Alps to the uttermost parts of Spain +capture and subdue 376 cities and towns. Lucius Siccius, the Roman +people's tribune, was engaged in 120 pitched battles, and did eight +times conquer them that challenged him: he could shew forty-five scars +on his body, and those all in front and none behind: with nine +generals-in-chief did he enter Rome in their triumphs, which they did +clearly earn by their courage. Yea, and Manlius Capitolinus's honour in +war were no less had he not at the end of his life himself abased his +fame: for he too could shew thirty-three scars, without counting that +he once did alone save the capitol with all its treasures from the +French. What of Hercules the Strong and Theseus and the rest, whose +undying praise it is well-nigh impossible both to describe and to tell +of? Should not these be honoured in their descendants? But I will pass +over war and weapons and turn to the arts, which, though they seem to +make less noise in the world, yet do achieve great fame for the masters +of them. What skill do we find in Zeuxis, which by his ingenious brain +and skilful hand did deceive the very birds of the air; and likewise in +Apelles, who did paint a Venus so natural, so fine, so exquisite, and +in all features so nice and so delicate that all bachelors did fall in +love with her! Doth not Plutarch tell us how Archimedes did draw with +one hand and by a single rope through the midst of the marketplace at +Syracuse a great ship laden with merchants' ware as if he had but led a +packhorse by the bridle? which thing not twenty oxen, to say nothing of +two hundred calves like thee, could have effected. And should not this +honest craftsman be endowed with a title of honour fitted to his art? +This Archimedes made a mirror wherewith he could set on fire an enemy's +warship in mid-sea. And who would not praise him which first did invent +letters? Yea, who would not exalt him far above all artists who devised +the noble and, for all the world, useful art of printing? If Ceres was +accounted a goddess because she is said to have invented agriculture +and the grinding of corn, why were it not fair that others should have +their praise with titles of honour allowed them? Yet in truth it +mattereth little whether thou, thou stupid calf, canst take such things +into thy unreasoning bullock's brain or not. For 'tis with thee as with +the dog which lay in the manger and would not let the ox eat of the +hay, yet could not enjoy the same himself: thou art capable of no +honour, and for that very cause thou grudgest such to those that do +deserve it." + +With all this I found myself sorely bestead, yet made answer: "These +mighty deeds were indeed highly to be praised were they not +accomplished with the destruction and damage of other men. But what +manner of praise is this which is stained with the bloodshed of so many +innocents; and what manner of nobility that which is achieved and won +by the ruin of so many thousand other folk! And as concerns the arts, +what be they save merely vanities and follies! Yea, they be as vain, +idle, and unprofitable as the title of honour which might come to any +man from these craftsmen; for they do but serve the greed, or the lust, +or the luxury, or the corruption of others, like to those vile guns +which lately I beheld on their half-waggons. Yea, and well could we +spare both printing and writing, according to the sentence and opinion +of that holy man who held that the whole wide world was book enough for +him, wherein to study the wonders of his Creator and thereupon to +recognise the almighty power of God." + + + + +_Chap. xi._: OF THE TOILSOME AND DANGEROUS OFFICE OF A GOVERNOR + + +Then my lord would also have his jest with me, and said: "I do well +perceive that because thou trustest not thyself to be of gentle birth, +therefore thou despisest the honourable titles of gentility." "Sir," +answered I, "if I could at this very hour enter upon your place of +honour, yet would I not take it." + +My lord laughed and said; "That I believe, for for the ox his oaten +straw is well enough: but an thou hadst a high spirit such as hearts of +gentles should have, then wouldst thou with zeal aspire to high honours +and dignities. I for my part count it no small thing that fortune +raises me above my fellows." + +Then did I sigh, and "O toilsome felicity!" said I. "Sir, I assure you, +ye are the most miserable man in Hanau." + +"How so; how so, calf?" said my lord. "Give me thy reasons, for such I +find not in myself." + +So I answered, "If you know not and feel not that you are Governor in +Hanau, and with how many cares and uneasiness in that account burdened, +then either the devouring thirst of honour blinds you or else are you +of iron and quite insensible; ye have, 'tis true, the right to command, +and whosoever comes within your ken the same must obey you. But do they +serve ye for naught? Are ye not all men's servant? Must ye not +specially take care for each and all? See, ye are girded round with +foes, and the safeguarding of this stronghold depends on you alone. +Ever must ye be devising how to do some damage to your opposites: and +therein must ever be on your guard that your plans be not spied upon. +Must ye not often stand on guard like a common sentinel? Besides, ye +must ever be concerned that there be no failure in money, ammunition, +food and folk, and for that reason be ever holding the whole land to +contribution by continual exactions and extortions. Send ye your men +out to such an end, then is robbery, plunder, stealing, burning, and +murder their highest task. Even now of late they have plundered Orb, +captured Braunfels, and laid Staden in ashes. Thence 'tis true they +brought back booty, but ye have laid on them a grievous responsibility +before God. I grant this, that those enjoyments which accompany thine +honour do please thee well; but knowest thou who will enjoy such +treasures as doubtless thou gatherest? And granted that such riches +remain thine (whereof a man may doubt), yet must thou leave them in +this world and takest nothing with thee but the sin whereby thou hast +gained them. And even if thou hast the good luck to enjoy thy booty, +yet thou dost but spend the sweat and blood of the poor, who do now in +misery suffer want or even perish and die of hunger. How often do I see +that thy thoughts, by reason of the cares of thine office, are +distracted hither and thither, while I and other calves do sleep in +peace without any care, and if thou dost not so, it shall cost thee thy +head if aught be overlooked that should have been provided for the +preservation of thy subject people and this fortress. Look you, I am +raised above such cares! and so, knowing that I do owe the debt of +death to nature, I fear not lest an enemy should storm my stall or lest +I should have with pains to fight for life. If I die young, so am I +delivered from the toilsome life of a yoke-ox. But for thee men lay +snares in a thousand fashions: and therefore is thy life naught but a +continual care and sleeplessness; for thou must fear both friend and +foe, which be ever devising to cheat thee of thy life or thy money, or +thy reputation or thy command, or somewhat else whatever it be; even as +thou thinkest to do by others. The enemy doth attack thee openly: and +thy supposed friends do secretly envy thee thy good luck, and even as +regards thy subjects art thou in no manner of safety. + +"I say naught of this, that daily thy burning desires do torment thee +and drive thee hither and thither, whilst thou plannest to gain for +thyself still greater name and fame, to rise higher in rank, to gather +greater riches, to play the enemy a trick, to surprise this or that +place; in a word, to do wellnigh everything that may vex others and +prove harmful to thine own soul and grievous to God's majesty. Yea, and +the worst is this, that thou art so spoiled by thy flatterers that thou +knowest not thyself, but art by them so captivated and drugged that +thou canst not see the dangerous way thou goest; for all that thou +doest they say is right and all thy vices are by them turned into +virtues and so proclaimed; thy cruelty is to them stern justice: and +when thou plunderest land and folk, thou art a brave soldier, say they, +and do urge thee on to others' harm, that they may keep in thy favour +and fill their purses too." + +"Thou malingerer," said my lord, "who taught thee so to preach?" + +"Good my lord," answered I, "say I not truly that thou art so spoiled +by thine ear-wiggers and sycophants that already thou art past help? +Whereas contrariwise other folk do soon detect thy faults and condemn +thee not only in high and mighty matters, but find enough to blame in +thee in small things which are of little account. And of this hast thou +not examples enough in the case of great men of old time? So the +Lacedaemonians railed at their own Lycurgus for walking with his head +bowed: the Romans deemed it a foul fault in Scipio that he snored so +loud in his sleep: it seemed to them an ugly fault in Pompey that he +did scratch himself but with one finger: at Cæsar they mocked for +wearing his girdle awry; and the good Cato was slandered for eating too +greedily with both jaws at once; yea, the Carthaginians spoke evil of +Hannibal for going with his breast bare and uncovered. How think ye +now, my dear master? Think ye I would change places with one that, +besides twelve or thirteen boon companions, flatterers and parasites, +hath more than one hundred, yea, 'tis like enough more than ten +thousand, both open and secret foes, slanderers, and malicious enviers? +Besides, what happiness, what pleasure, and what joy can such a head +have under whose care, protection, and guard so many men do live? Is't +not a duty laid upon thee to watch for all thy folk, to care for them, +and listen to each one's complaints and grievances? Were that not of +itself troublesome enough even though thou hadst neither foes nor +secret enemies? I can see well enough how hard 'tis for thee and yet +how many grievances thou must endure. And, good my lord, what in the +end will be thy reward? Tell me what hast thou for it all? If thou +canst not say, then suffer the Grecian Demosthenes to tell thee, who +after he had bravely and loyally furthered and defended the common weal +and rights of the Athenians, was, contrary to all law and justice, +banished the land and driven into miserable exile as an evil-doer. So +Socrates was requited with poison, and Hannibal so ill rewarded by his +countrymen that he must wander in the world as a poor wretched outlaw; +yea, the Greeks repaid Lycurgus in such fashion that he was stoned and +had an eye beaten out. Do thou, therefore, keep thy high office to +thyself, with the reward thou wilt have from it: seek not to share it +with me; for even if all go well with thee, yet hast thou naught to +carry home with thee but an ill conscience. And if thou art minded to +obey that conscience, then wilt thou be quickly deposed from thy +commands as incapable, for all the world as if thou too wert become a +stupid calf." + +While I thus spake, the rest of the company looked hard upon me and +wondered much that I should be able to hold such discourse, which, as +they openly confessed, would have taxed the wits of a man of sense if +he had been forced so to speak without preparation. + + + + +_Chap. xii._: OF THE SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE OF CERTAIN UNREASONING ANIMALS + +So I ended my discourse thus: "Therefore," said I, "my excellent +master, will I not change with thee: for indeed I have no call to do so +since the brook affords me a healthy drink instead of thy costly wines; +and He who allowed me to be turned into a calf will also in such wise +know how to bless the fruits of the earth to my use, that they be to me +as to Nebuchadnezzar, no unfitting provision for food and sustenance: +even so hath nature provided me with a good coat of fur; while as for +thee, often thou loathest thy meat, thy wine splitteth thy head, and +soon will bring thee into one sickness or another." + +Then my lord answered: "I know not what I have in thee; meseemeth thou +art for a calf far too wise: nay, I do surmise thou hast under that +calf-skin clad thyself with a rogue-skin." + +With that I made as if I were angry, and said: "Do ye men think, then, +that we beasts be all fools? That may ye not imagine. I do maintain +that if older beasts could speak as well as I, that they would tell you +a very different story. If ye deem we are so stupid, then tell me who +hath taught the wild wood-pigeons, the jays, the blackbirds, and +the partridges to purge themselves with laurel-leaves, and doves, +turtle-doves, and fowls with dandelions. Who teacheth cat and dog to +eat the dewy grass when they desire to purge a full belly? Who hath +taught the tortoise to heal a bite with hemlock or the stag when he is +shot to have recourse to the dictamnus or calamint? Who taught the +weasel to use the rue when she will fight with bat or snake? Who maketh +the wild boar to know the ivy and the bear the mandrake, and saith to +them it is their medicine? Who giveth the swallow to understand that +she should heal her fledglings' dim eyes with chelidonium? Who did +instruct the snake to eat of fennel when she will cast her slough and +heal her darkened eyes? Who teacheth the stork to purge himself, the +pelican to let himself blood and the bear to get himself scarified by +bees? Nay, I might almost say, ye men have learned your arts and +sciences from us beasts. Ye eat and drink yourselves to death, and that +we beasts do never do. Lion or wolf, when he is by way of growing too +fat, then he fasteth till again he is thin, active, and healthy. And +which party dealeth most wisely herein? Yea, above and beyond all this, +consider the fowls of the air; regard the various architecture of their +cunning nests, and inasmuch as all your labours can never imitate them, +therefore ye must acknowledge they be both wiser and more ingenious +than ye men yourselves. Who telleth to our summer birds when they +should come to us for the spring and hatch their young, or for the +autumn, when they should again betake themselves from us to warmer +climes? Who teacheth them they must choose a gathering-place to that +end? Who leadeth them or sheweth them the way? Do ye men lend them, +perchance, a compass that they fall not out by the way? Nay, my good +friends, they do know the way without your help, and how long they must +spend therein, and when they must depart from this place and the other, +and therefore have no need of your compass nor your almanack. Further, +behold the industrious spider, whose web is wellnigh a miracle: look if +you find a singly knot in all her weaving. What hunter or fisher hath +taught her how to spread her net, and when she hath laid that net to +catch her prey, to set herself either in the furthest corner or else +full in the centre? Ye men do admire the raven of whom Plutarchus +writeth that he threw into a vessel that was half full of water so many +stones that the water rose until he could conveniently drink thereof. +What would ye do if ye were to dwell among the beasts and there behold +all the rest of their dealings, their doings, and their not-doings? +Then at all events would ye acknowledge 'twas plain that all beasts had +somewhat of especial natural vigour and virtue in all their desires and +instincts, as being now prudent, now strenuous, now gentle, now timid, +now fierce, for your learning and instruction. Each knoweth the other; +they discern each from other; they seek after that which is useful to +them, flee from what is harmful, avoid danger, gather together what is +necessary for their sustenance--yea, and at times do befool you men +yourselves. Therefore have many ancient philosophers seriously pondered +of such matters and have not been ashamed to question and to dispute +whether unreasoning brutes might not have understanding. But I care not +to speak further of these matters: get ye to the bees and see how they +make wax and honey, and then come again and tell me how ye think of +it." + + + + +_Chap. xiii._: OF VARIOUS MATTERS WHICH WHOEVER WILL KNOW MUST EITHER +READ THEM OR HAVE THEM READ TO HIM + + +Thereupon various judgments were pronounced upon me by my lord's +guests. The Secretaries were of opinion I should be counted a fool +because I esteemed myself a reasoning beast, and because they that had +a tile or two slipped, and yet seemed to themselves wise, were the most +complete and comical fools of all. Others said, if 'twere possible to +drive out of me the idea that I was a calf, or one could persuade me I +was again turned into a man, I should surely be held reasonable, or at +least sane enough. But my lord himself said, "I hold him for a fool +because he telleth every man the truth so shamelessly; yet are his +speeches so ordered that they belong to no fool." (Now all this they +spake in Latin, that I might not understand.) Then he asked me, had I +studied while I was yet a man? I answered, I knew not what study was +"but, dear sir," said I further, "tell me what manner of things are +these studs with which men study? Speakest thou, perchance, of the +balls with which men bowl." Then answered he they called the "mad +ensign," "What will ye with the fellow? 'a hath a devil, 'a is +possessed? 'tis sure the devil talking through his mouth." And on that +my lord took occasion to ask me, since I had been turned into a calf, +whether I still was accustomed to pray like other men and trusted to go +to heaven. "Surely," answered I, "Yet have I my immortal human soul, +which, as thou canst easily believe, will not lightly desire to come to +hell again, specially since I fared therein so evilly once before. I am +but changed as once was Nebuchadnezzar, and in God's good time I might +well become a man again." "And I hope thou mayst," said my lord, with a +pretty deep sigh, whereupon I might easily judge that he repented him +of having allowed me to be driven mad. "But let us hear," he went on, +"how art thou wont to pray?" So I kneeled down and raised my eyes and +hands to heaven in good hermit fashion, and because my lord's +repentance which I had perceived touched my heart with exceeding +comfort, I could not refrain my tears, and so to outward appearance +prayed with deepest reverence, after the Paternoster, for all +Christendom, for my friends and my enemies, and that God would +vouchsafe to me so to live in this world that I might be worthy to +praise Him in eternal bliss. My hermit had taught me such a prayer in +devout and well-ordered words. At that some soft-hearted onlookers were +also nigh to weeping, for they had great pity for me, yea, my lord's +own eyes were full of water. + +After dinner my lord sends for the pastor, and to him he told all that +I had uttered, and gave him to understand that he was concerned lest +all was not well[13] with me, and perchance the devil had a finger in +the pie, seeing that at first I had shewn myself altogether simple and +ignorant yet now could utter things to make men wonder. The pastor, who +knew my qualities better than any other, answered, that should have +been thought on before 'twas allowed to make me a fool, for "men," said +he, "were made in the image of God, and with such, and especially with +such tender youth, one must not make sport as with beasts": yet would +he never believe 'twas permitted to the evil spirit to interfere, +seeing that I had ever commended myself to God with fervent prayer. Yet +if against all likelihood such a thing were decreed and permitted, then +had men a sore account to answer for before God, inasmuch as there +would scarcely be greater sin than for one man to rob another of his +reason and thus withdraw him from the praise and service of God, +whereto he was chiefly created. "I gave ye beforehand my assurance," +said he, "that he had wit enough, but that he could not fit himself to +the world was caused by this, that he was brought up first with his +father, a rough peasant, and then with your brother-in-law in the +wilderness, in all simplicity. Had folk had but a little patience with +him at first, he would with time have learned a better carriage; he was +but a simple, God-fearing child, such as the evil-disposed world knew +not. Yet do I not doubt he can again be brought to his right mind, if +we can but take from him this fantasy and bring him to believe no +longer that he was turned into a calf. We read of one which did firmly +believe he was changed into an earthen pot, and would beseech his +friends to put him high on a shelf lest he should be trodden on and +broken. Another did imagine he was a cock, and in his infirmity crowed +both day and night. And yet another fancied he was already dead and a +wandering spirit, and therefore would partake of no medicine nor food +nor drink, till a wise physician hired two fellows which gave +themselves out likewise to be spirits, yet hearty drinkers, who joined +themselves to him and persuaded him that nowadays spirits were wont to +eat and drink, whereby he was brought to his senses. Yea, I myself had +a sick peasant in my parish, who, when I visited him, complained to me +he had three or four barrels of water in his body; and could he be rid +of that he trusted to be well again, and begged me either to have him +ripped up, that the water might run away, or have him hung up in the +smoke to dry it up. So I spoke him fair, and persuaded him I could draw +off the water from him in another fashion; and with that I took a tap +such as we use for wine and beer-casks, bound a strip of pig's guts to +it, and the other end I fastened to the bung hole of a great puncheon, +which to that end I had had filled with water; then I pretended as if I +had stuck the tap into his belly, which he had had swathed in rags lest +it should burst. Then I let the water run out of the puncheon through +tubes; whereat the poor creature rejoiced heartily and, throwing away +his rags, was in a few days whole again. Again, one that imagined he +had all manner of horse-furniture, bits and the like, in his body, was +in this wise cured: for his physician, having given him a strong purge, +conveyed such things into the night-stool so that the fellow must needs +believe he was rid of them by the purging. So, too, they tell of one +madman that believed his nose was so long that it reached to the +ground: for him they hung a sausage to his nose, and cut it away by +little and little till they came to the real nose: who, as soon as he +felt the knife touch his flesh, cried out the nose was in its right +shape again. And our good Simplicissimus can therefore be cured even as +were these of whom I have spoken." + +"All this can I believe," answered my master, "only this gives me +concern, that he was before so ignorant, and now can talk of all +matters, and that in such perfect fashion as one cannot easily find +even among persons older, more practised, and better read than he is: +for he hath told me of many properties of beasts, and described mine +own person so exactly as he had been all his life in the busy world, so +that I must needs wonder and hold his speeches wellnigh for an oracle +or a warning of God." + +"Sir," answered the pastor, "this may well be true and yet natural: I +know that he is well read, seeing that he, as well as his hermit, went +through all my books which I had, and which were not few; and because +the lad hath a good memory, and is now at leisure in his mind and +forgetful of his own person, therefore he can utter what aforetime he +stored in his brain: and therefore I do cherish the firm hope that with +time he may again be brought to right reason." + +In this wise the pastor left the Governor between hope and fear: and me +and my cause he defended in the best way, and gained for me days of +happiness and for himself (by the way) access to the Governor. Their +crowning resolve was this, to deal with me for a time quietly; and that +the pastor did more for his own sake than mine, for by going to and fro +and acting as if he bestirred himself for my sake and felt great care +for me, he gained the Governor's favour, who gave him office and made +him chaplain to the garrison, which in those hard times was no small +matter: neither did I grudge it him. + + + + +_Chap. xiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS LED THE LIFE OF A NOBLEMAN, AND HOW +THE CROATS ROBBED HIM OF THIS WHEN THEY STOLE HIMSELF + + +So from this time forward I possessed in full the favour, grace, and +love of my lord, of which I can boast with truth: nought I wanted to +complete my good fortune but that my calfskin was too much and my years +too little, though I knew it not myself. Besides, the pastor would not +yet have me brought to my senses, but it seemed to him not yet time, +neither as yet profitable for his interest. But my lord, seeing my +taste for music, had me to learn it, and hired for me an excellent +lute-player, whose art I presently well understood and in this excelled +him, that I could sing to the lute better than he. So could I serve my +lord for his pleasure, for his pastime, delight, and admiration. +Likewise all the officers shewed me their respect and goodwill, the +richest burghers sent me gratifications, and the household, like the +soldiers, wished me well because they saw how well inclined my master +was to me. One treated me here, another there; for they knew that often +jesters have more power with their masters than honest men: and to this +end were all their gifts; for some gave to me lest I should slander +them, others for that very reason--namely, that I should slander others +for their sake. In which manner I put together a pretty sum of money, +which for the most part I handed to the pastor; for I knew not yet to +what end it could be used. And as none dared look at me askance, so +from this time forward I had no jealousy, care, or trouble to encounter +with. All my thoughts I gave to my music, and to devising how I might +courteously point out to one and the other his failings. So I grew like +a pig in clover, and my strength of body increased palpably: soon could +one see that I was no longer starving my body in the wood with water +and acorns and beech-nuts and roots and herbs, but that over a good +meal I found the Rhenish wine and the Hanau double-beer to my taste, +which was indeed in those miserable times to be accounted a great +favour of God: for at that time all Germany was aflame with war and +harried by hunger and pestilence, and Hanau itself besieged by the +enemy, all which disturbed me not in the least. But after the raising +of the siege my master designed to make a present of me either to +Cardinal Richelieu or Duke Bernhard of Weimar, for besides that he +hoped to earn great thanks for the gift, he said plainly 'twas not +possible for him to bear the sight of me longer, because I presented to +him in that fool's raiment the face of his lost sister, to whom I grew +more like every day. In that the pastor opposed him, for he held that +the time was not yet come when he was to do a miracle and make me a +reasonable creature again, and therefore counselled the Governor he +should have a couple of calfskins prepared and put on two other boys, +and thereafter appoint some third person who, in the shape of a +physician, prophet or conjurer, should strip me and the said two boys +and pretend he could make beasts into men and men into beasts: in this +manner I might be restored, and without great pains might be brought to +believe I had, like others, again become a man. Which proposal when the +Governor approved, the pastor told me what he had agreed with my +master, and easily persuaded me to consent thereto. But envious Fortune +would not so easily free me of my fool's clothes nor leave me longer to +enjoy my noble life of pleasure. For while tanners and tailors were +already at work on the apparel that appertained to this comedy, I was +even then sporting with some other boys on the ice in front of the +ramparts. And there some one, I know not who, brought upon us a party +of Croats, which seized upon us all, set us upon certain riderless +farm-horses which they had just stolen, and carried us all off +together. 'Tis true they were at first in doubt whether to take me with +them or not, till at last one said in Bohemian, "Mih werne daho blasna +sebao, bowe deme ho gbabo Oberstowi" ("Take we the fool: bring we him +to our colonel"). And another answered him, "Prschis am bambo ano, mi +ho nagonie possadeime wan rosumi niemezki, won bude mit Kratock wille +sebao" ("Yes, by God, set we him on the horse. The colonel speaks +German: he will have sport with him"). So I must to horse, and must +learn how a single unlucky hour can rob one of all welfare and so +separate him from all luck and happiness that all his life he must bear +the consequences. + + + + +_Chap. xv._: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' LIFE WITH THE TROOPERS, AND WHAT HE SAW +AND LEARNED AMONG THE CROATS + + +Though 'tis true the Hanauers raised an alarm at once, sallied forth on +horseback, and for a while detained the Croats and harassed them with +skirmishing, yet could they get from them none of their booty; for +being light troops, they escaped very cleverly, and took their way to +Büdingen, where they baited, and delivered to the burghers there the +rich Hanauers' sons to put to ransom, and there sold their stolen +horses and other wares. From thence they decamped again before it was +even fully night, let alone day again, and rode hard through the +Büdingen forest into the abbey-lands of Fulda, and seized on the way +all they could carry with them. For robbery and plunder hindered them +not in the least in their swift march: like the devil, that can do +mischief as he flies. And the same evening they arrived in the +abbey-lands of Hirschfeld, where they had their quarters, with great +store of plunder. And this was divided; but me their colonel Corpes +took as his share. + +In the service of this master all appeared to me as unpleasing and +wellnigh barbarous: the dainties of Hanau had changed into coarse black +bread and stringy beef, or by good luck a bit of stolen pork: wine and +beer were now turned to water, and instead of a bed I must be content +to lie by the horses in the straw. Instead of that lute-playing which +had delighted all men, now must I at times creep under the table like +the other lads, howl like a dog, and suffer myself to be pricked with +their spurs, which was for me but a poor jest. Instead of my promenades +at Hanau, I must now ride on foraging parties, groom horses and clean +out their stalls. Now this same foraging is neither more nor less than +attacking of villages (with great pains and labour: yea, often with +danger to life and limb), and there threshing, grinding, baking, +stealing, and taking all that can be found; harrying and spoiling the +farmers, and shaming of their maids, their wives, and their daughters. +And if the poor peasants did murmur, or were bold enough to rap a +forager or two over the fingers, finding them at such work (and at that +time were many such guests in Hesse,) they were knocked on the head if +they could be caught, or if not, their houses went up in smoke to +heaven. Now my master had no wife (for campaigners of his kidney be not +wont to take ladies with them), no page, no chamberlain, no cook, but +on the other hand a whole troop of grooms and boys which waited both on +him and his horse; nor was he himself ashamed to saddle his own horse +or give him a feed: he slept ever on straw or on the bare ground, and +covered himself with a fur coat. So it came about that one could often +see great fleas or lice walk upon his clothes, of which he was not +ashamed at all, but would laugh if any one pocked one out. Short hair +he had, but a broad Switzer's beard, which served his turn well, for he +was wont to disguise himself as a peasant and so to go a-spying. Yet +though, as I have said, he kept no great household, yet was he by his +own folk and others that knew him honoured, loved, and feared. Never +were we at rest, but now here, now there: now we attacked and now we +were attacked: never for a moment were we idle in damaging the +Hessians' resources: nor on his part did Melander[14] leave us in +peace: but cut off many a trooper and sent him prisoner to Cassel. + +This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself +back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not +talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued, +beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my +colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks +like the other stable-lads, which 'tis true happened but seldom, yet +then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I +soon had enough. At last I began to do somewhat of cooking, and to keep +my master's weapons clean, whereon he laid great stress: for I was as +yet useless for foraging. And this answered so well that in the end I +gained my master's favour, insomuch that he had a new fool's coat of +calfskins made for me, with much greater asses' ears than I wore +before. Now as my master's palate was not delicate, I needed the less +skill for my cookery: yet because I was too often without salt, grease +or seasoning, I wearied of this employ also, and therefore devised day +and night how I might most cleverly escape--and that the more because +'twas now springtime. So to accomplish this I undertook the work of +clearing away the guts of sheep and oxen, with heaps of which our +quarters were surrounded, so that they should no longer cause so foul a +smell: and this the colonel approved. And being busied with this, I +stayed outside altogether, and when it was dark slipped away to the +nearest wood. + + + + +_Chap. xvi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND GOODLY SPOILS, AND HOW HE BECAME +A THIEVISH BROTHER OF THE WOODS + + +Yet to all appearance my condition grew worse and worse the further I +went; yea, so grievous that I conceived I was born but for misfortune: +for I was but a few miles distant from the Croats when I was caught by +highwaymen, which, without doubt, thought they had captured in me +somewhat of value, for by reason of the dark night they could not see +my fool's coat, and forthwith bade two of their number take me to their +trysting-place in the forest. So when they had brought me thither, and +'twas still pitch-dark, one fellow would at once have money from me: to +which end he laid aside his gauntlets and his fire-arms and began to +search me, asking, "Who art thou? Hast thou money?" + +Yet so soon as he was ware of my hairy clothing and the long asses' +ears on my cap, which he took for horns, and at the same time perceived +the shining sparks which the hides of beasts do commonly shew when they +are stroked in the dark, he was so terrified that he shrank into +himself. That did I presently mark: so before he could recover himself +or devise aught, I stroked down my hide with both hands to such good +purpose that it glittered as if I had been stuffed full of burning +sulphur, and then I answered him in a terrible voice, "I am the devil, +and I will break thy neck and thy fellow's too." + +Which so terrified both that they fled through the thicket as swiftly +as if the fires of hell were pursuing them; yea, though they dashed +themselves against sticks and stones and trunks of trees, and yet more +often tumbled, they were up again with all speed. So they went on till +I could hear them no longer; while I laughed so loud that it echoed +through the whole forest, which, without doubt, in that dark wilderness +was horrible to hear. + +Now when I would be gone I tripped over the musket; and that I took +for myself, for already I had learned from the Croats how to manage +fire-arms: then as I walked on I came upon a knapsack which, like my +coat, was made of calf-skin: that too I took up, and found that a +cartridge-pouch, well stored with powder and shot and all appurtenance, +hung below it. All this I hung on me, took the musket on my shoulder +like a soldier, and hid myself not far off in a thicket, intending to +sleep there awhile; but at daybreak came the whole crew to the spot, +searching for the musket that was lost and the knapsack: so I pricked +up mine ears like a fox and kept still as a mouse; and when they found +nothing they mocked at those two that had fled before me. "Shame," said +they, "ye craven fools: shame on your very heart that ye could so +suffer yourselves to be frighted and chased, and have your arms taken +by a single man." Yet one fellow swore the devil should take him if +'twere not the devil himself: his horns and his hairy hide he had well +perceived; and the other waxed angry and said, "It may have been the +devil or his dam, if I had but my knapsack back again." Then one of +them whom I took to be their captain answered him; and says he, "What +thinkest thou the devil should do with thy knapsack and thy musket? I +would wager my neck the rascal that ye so shamefully let go hath taken +both with him." Yet another took the contrary part, and said it might +well happen that some countrymen had since passed that way who had +found the things and taken them: and in the end all approved this, and +'twas believed by all the band they had had the devil himself in their +hands, especially because the fellow that would search me in the +darkness not only swore the same with horrid oaths, but also was able +powerfully to describe and to magnify the rough and glittering skin and +the two horns as certain signs of the devil's quality. Nay, I do +conceive that had I shewn myself again unawares the whole band would +have run. So at last, when they had sought long enough and had found +nothing, they went on their way again: but I opened the knapsack to +make my breakfast thereof, and at the first trial I brought out a pouch +in which were some 360 ducats. And that I rejoiced thereat none need +question, yet may the reader be assured that the knapsack pleased me +yet more than this fine sum of money, since I found it well stored with +provisions. And as such yellow-boys are far too sparsely strewn among +common soldiers for them to take such with them on a raid, I judge that +the fellow must have just snapped up these on that very excursion, and +quickly whipped them into his knapsack that he might not be compelled +to share them with the rest. + +Thereupon I made a cheerful breakfast, and found too a merry little +spring, at which I refreshed myself and counted my fine ducats. And if +my life depended thereon, to say, in what land or place I then found +myself, I could not tell. And first I stayed in the wood as long as my +food lasted, with which I dealt right sparingly: then when my knapsack +was empty, hunger drove me to the farmers' houses. And there I crept by +night into cellar and kitchen and took what food I found and could +carry off; and this I conveyed away to the wildest part of the wood. +And so I led a hermit's life as before, save that I stole much and +therefore prayed less, and had, moreover, no fixed abode, but wandered +now here, now there. 'Twas well for me indeed that it was now the +beginning of summer, though I could kindle a fire with my musket +whenever I would. + + + + +_Chap. xvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES + + +During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the woods +different country-folk, who at all times fled from me. I know not if +the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and +were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the +highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had +with me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was +of a truth prowling about in that part. But for this reason I must +needs fear lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the +uttermost misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs, +to which I was no longer accustomed. As I pondered on this I heard two +men cutting of wood, which rejoiced me mightily. So I followed the +sound of the blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a +handful of ducats out of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed +them the alluring gold and cried, "My masters, if ye will but wait for +me I will give you this handful of gold." But as soon as they saw me +and my gold, at once they took to their heels, and left their mallets +and wedges together with their bag of bread and cheese; with this I +filled my knapsack, and so betook myself back to the wood, doubting if +in my life I should ever come to the company of men again. So after +long pondering thereupon, I thought, "Who knoweth what may chance to +thee? Thou hast money, and if thou comest in safety with it to honest +folk, thou canst live on it a long while." So it came into my head to +sew it up; and to that end I made, out of my asses' ears which made the +folk so fly from me, two armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with +those of the banditti, I packed all together into these armlets and +bound them on mine arms above the elbow. And now, as I had thus secured +my treasure, I attacked the farms again, and got from them what I +needed and what I could snap up. And though I was but simple, yet I was +sly enough never to come a second time to a place where I had stolen +anything; and therefore was I very lucky in my thefts and was never +caught pilfering. + +It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store by my +customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a +farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that +there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I +wisely stayed away); so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the +yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and +stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed. +But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that +led to the living-room; thither I crept to see if the folk would not +soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put +on their clothes, and in place of a light there stood a sulphurous blue +flame on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms, +pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window +one after another. At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great +terror; yet, as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in +my whole life having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not +much of this, and that chiefly because 'twas all so done in such +stillness; but when all were gone I betook myself also to the +living-room, and devising what I could take with me and where to find +it, in such meditation sat me down straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon +I had hardly sat down when I and the bench together flew straight out +of the window, and left my gun and knapsack, which I had laid aside, as +pay for that magical ointment. Now my sitting down, my departure, and +my descent were all in one moment, for I came, methought, in a trice to +a great crowd of people; but it may be that from fear I took no count +how long I took for this long journey. These folk were dancing of a +wondrous dance, the like of which I saw never in my life, for they had +taken hands and formed many rings within one another, with their backs +turned to each other like the pictures of the Three Graces, so that all +faced outwards. The inmost ring was of some seven or eight persons; the +second of as many again: the third contained more than the first two +put together, and so on, so that in the outermost ring there were over +two hundred persons; and because one ring danced towards the right and +the next towards the left, I could not see how many rings they formed, +nor what was in the midst around which they danced. Yet all looked +monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out so comically. +My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels which stood +outside the rings all round the dancers, of which minstrels some had, +instead of flutes, clarinets and shawms, nothing but adders, vipers and +blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats into whose +breech they blew and fingered on the tail; which sounded like to +bagpiper: others fiddled on horses' skulls as on the finest violins, +and others played the harp upon a cow's skeleton such as lie in the +slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a bitch under his +arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout +all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded +therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole hellish crew +began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl, to rant, to ramp, and to +roar as they were all mad and lunatic. And now can any man think into +what terror and fear I fell. + +In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a +monstrous toad, full as big as a kettledrum, whose guts were dragged +out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so +filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. "Lookye, Simplicissimus," says +he, "I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from +thee." But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name) +that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay +in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awake from +it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went +on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it +hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink 'twas +all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the +ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more. + + + + +_Chap. xviii._: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS' +CHARGE THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW + +Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among them, that +believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less that they +can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure there will +be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the long bow. +With such folk I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer an +art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I +could practise this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest +fool. But they that deny the witches' gallop to be true, let them but +think of Simon the Magician, which was by the evil spirit raised aloft +into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth. +Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man, +who in the Duchy of Lorraine caused to be burned a good many more than +a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother +(which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with +her to their assembly, that he might play to them as they danced--for +he had learned to play the fife. That to that end he mounted on a tree, +piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe +because he marvelled so at it all). But at last, "God help us;" says +he, "whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?" And hardly had he +said that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder, +and called for help. But there was nobody there but himself. + +When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a little +after Catherine Prévost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been at +the said dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that +she knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered. Majolus tells us +of a servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an +adulterer that took his paramour's ointment-boxes and smeared himself +with the same, and so both came to the witches' Sabbath. So likewise +they tell of a farm-servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but +because he had taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, that waggon +rose into the air and must be dragged down again. Olaus Magnus tells us +of Hading, King of Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by +rebels, journeyed far over the sea through the air on the Spirit of +Odin, which had turned himself to the shape of a horse. So do we know +well enough, and too well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia will fetch +their paramours to them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a +great distance. And what Torquemada in his Hexameron relateth of his +schoolfellow may in his own words be read. So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh +of a nobleman which, when he marked that his wife anointed herself and +thereafter flew out of the house, did once on a time compel her to take +him with her to the sorcerers' assembly. And when they feasted there, +and there was no salt, he demanded such, and having with great pains +gotten it, did cry, "God be praised, here cometh the salt!" Whereupon +the lights went out and all vanished. So when now 'twas day he +understood from the shepherds in that place that he was near to the +town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naples, and therefore full five +hundred miles from his home. And therefore, though he was rich, must he +beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his wife for a witch +before the magistrate, and she was burned. How Doctor Faust, too, and +others, which were no enchanters, could journey through the air from +one place to another is from his history sufficiently known. So I +myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing, but +the maid's father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her +mistress's shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it +by to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which +story, nevertheless, was hushed up. + +All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may believe +that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their proper +bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man to +believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me 'tis +all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not believe +may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the lands +of Fulda or Hirschfeld (for I know not myself whither I had wandered in +the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in so brief a +space of time. + + + + +_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A +FOOL BEFORE + + +So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the reader +that I lay on my belly till 'twas at least broad daylight; as not +having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things +I have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great +terror, yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in +no worse place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most +of my time since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty +well accustomed thereto. Now it was about nine o'clock when there came +foragers, which woke me up. And now for the first time I perceived I +was in the open field. So they had me with them to certain windmills, +and when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before +Magdeburg, where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment, +who asked me what was my story and what manner of master I had served. +So I told him all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the +Croats, I did but describe their clothing and gave examples of their +speech, and told how I escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I +nought, and what I told of my journey through the air and of the +witches' dance, that they all held to be imagination and folly, and +that especially because in the rest of my discourse I seemed to talk +wildly. Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered round me (for one fool makes +a thousand), and among them was one that the year before had been made +prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service, yet afterwards had come +back to the Emperor's army: who, knowing me again, said at once, "Hoho! +'tis the commandant's calf of Hanau." + +Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew no +more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been captured +outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes' regiment, +and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at losing me; +for I was a right clever fool. So then the colonel's wife sent to +another colonel's wife that could play well upon the lute, and +therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it: +which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should +play. But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty +stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had. So this +was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of +Zerbst beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and +with the lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came +into my head, so that I easily persuaded the folk to believe I was of +the quality that my apparel represented. Then the colonel asked me +whither I would go; and I answering 'twas all one to me, we agreed +thereupon that I should stay with him and be his page. Yet would he +know where my asses' ears had gone. "Yea," said I to myself, "an thou +knewest where they were: they would fit thee well enough." Yet was I +clever enough to say naught of their properties, for all my worldly +goods lay in them. + +Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the Emperor's and +the Elector's camp, but specially among the ladies, who would deck my +hood, my sleeves, and my short-cut ears with ribbons of all colours, so +that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the fashion of +to-day. But all the money that was given me by the officers, that I +liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking it +away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which liquors +pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I came +there was plenty of chance of spunging. But when my colonel procured +for me a lute of my own (for he trusted to have me ever with him), then +I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps, but he +appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to obey +him. And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet, +discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and +(which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and +full of all arts and sciences. At night I must sleep in his tent, and +by day I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counsellor +and minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the +Swedes utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to +continue his studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a +muster-roll clerk in the Saxon army, he took service with this my +colonel, and was content to serve as a lackey, to wait until the +dangerous chances of war on the banks of the Elbe should change and so +the sun of his former happiness again shine upon him. + + + + +_Chap. xx._: IS PRETTY LONG, AND TREATS OF PLAYING WITH DICE AND WHAT +HANGS THEREBY + + +Now because my governor was rather old than young, therefore could he +not sleep all the night through: and that was the cause that he even in +the first few weeks discovered my secret; namely, that I was no such +fool as I gave out, of which he had before observed somewhat, and had +conceived such a judgment from my face, for he was skilled in +physiognomia. Once I awoke at midnight, and having divers thoughts upon +my life and its strange adventures, rose up, and by way of gratitude +recounted all the benefits that God had done unto me, and all the +dangers from which He had rescued me: then I lay down again with deep +sighing and slept soundly till day. + +All this my governor heard, yet made as if he were sound asleep; and +this happened several nights running, until he had fully convinced +himself I had more understanding than many an older man who fancied +himself to be somewhat. Yet he spake thereof nought to me in our hut, +because it had walls too thin, and because he for certain reasons would +not have it that as yet (and before he was assured of my innocence) any +one else should know this secret. Once on a time I went to take the air +outside the camp, and this he gladly allowed, because he had then the +opportunity to come to look for me, and so the occasion to speak with +me alone. So, as he wished, he found me in a lonely place, where indeed +I was giving audience to my thoughts, and says he: "Good and dear +friend, 'tis because I seek for thy welfare that I rejoice to be able +to speak with thee alone. I know thou art no fool as thou pretendest, +and that thou hast no desire to continue in this miserable and despised +state. If now thou holdest thy welfare dear and wilt trust to me as to +a man of honour, and so canst tell me plainly the condition of thy +fortunes, so will I for my part, whenever I can, be ready with word and +deed to help thee out of this fool's coat." + +So thereupon I fell upon his neck, and so carried myself as he had been +a prophet to release me from my fool's cap: and sitting both down upon +the ground, I told him my whole story. Then he examined my hands, and +wondered both at the strange events which had befallen me and those +which were to come: yet would in no wise counsel me to lay aside my +fool's coat in haste, for he said that by means of palmistry he could +see that my fate threatened me with imprisonment which should bring me +danger of life and limb. So I thanked him for his good will and his +counsel, and asked of God that He would reward him for his good faith, +and of himself that he would be and ever remain my true friend and +father. + +So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the +dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and +damnation that they could lay their tongues to. The place was wellnigh +as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished +with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its +four-cornered thieves' bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for +share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from +another. So likewise every cloak or table had its coupier (croupier I +should have said, and might well have said[15] "cooperer"), whose +office 'twas to be judges and to see that none was cheated; they too +lent the cloaks and tables and dice, and contrived so well to get their +hire out of the winnings that they generally got the chief share: yet +it bred them no advantage, for commonly they gamed it away again, or +when it was best laid out, 'twas the sutler or the barber-surgeon that +had it--for there were many broken heads to mend. + +At these fools one might well wonder, how they all thought to win, +which was impossible, even if they had played at another's[16] risk: +and though all hoped for this, yet the cry was, the more players the +more skill; for each thought on his own luck; and so it happened that +some hit and some missed, some won and some lost. Thereupon some +cursed, some roared; some cheated and others were jockeyed--whereat the +winners laughed and the losers gnashed their teeth: some sold their +clothes and all they valued most, and others again won even that money +from them: some wanted honest dice, and others, on the contrary part, +would have false ones, and brought in such secretly, which again others +threw away, broke in two, bit with their teeth, and tore the croupiers' +cloaks. Among the false dice were Dutch ones, that one must cast with a +good spin; for these had the sides, whereon the fives and sixes were, +as sharp as the back of the wooden horse on which soldiers be punished: +others were High German, to which a man must in casting give the +Bavarian swing. Some were of stag's-horn, light above and heavy below. +Others were loaded with quicksilver or lead, and others, again, with +split hairs, sponge, chaff, and charcoal: some had sharp corners, +others had them pared quite away: some were long like logs and some +broad like tortoises. All which kinds were made but for cheating: and +what they were made for, that they did, whether they were thrown with a +swing or trickled on to the board, and no coupling of them was of any +avail; to say nothing of those that had two fives or two sixes or, on +the other hand, two aces or two deuces. With these thieves' bones they +stole, filched, and plundered each other's goods, which they themselves +perchance had stolen, or at least with danger to life and limb, or +other grievous trouble and labour, had won. + +So as I stood there and looked upon the gaming-place and the gamesters +in their folly, my governor asked me how the thing pleased me. Then +answered I: "That men can so grievously curse God pleases me not: but +for the rest, I leave it for what 'tis worth as a matter unknown to me, +and of which I as yet understand nought." "Know then," said my +governor, "that this is the worst and vilest place in the whole camp, +for here men seek one another's money and lose their own in doing so. +And whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already +broken the tenth commandment, which saith, 'Thou shalt not covet thy +neighbour's goods.'" And says he, "An thou play and win, specially by +deceit and false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth +commandments. Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on +him from whom thou hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is +so great that by reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need +and recklessness, or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this +plea help thee, that thou sayest, 'I did risk mine own and won +honestly.' Thou rogue, thou camest to the gaming-place with this +intent, to grow rich through another's loss. And if thou lose, thou art +not excused with the punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich +man in the parable, thou must answer it sorely to God that thou so +uselessly hast squandered that which He lent thee for the support of +thee and thine. Whosoever goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same +committeth himself to the danger of losing therein, not only his money, +but his body and his life also; yea, what is most terrible of all, +there can he lose his own soul. I tell thee this as news, my friend +Simplicissimus (because thou sayest gaming is unknown to thee), that +thou mayest be on thy guard against it all thy life long." So I +answered him: "Dear sir," said I, "if gaming be so terrible and +dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?" My governor +answered: "I will not say 'twas because our officers themselves take +part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will not--yea, +cannot--do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself over to +gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play hath +seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or lose) +so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than +that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through +and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play--yea, +even if they must go home shirtless. Yet this gaming hath already been +forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the +command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through +the means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites--openly +and violently. Yet 'twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook +themselves to secret corners and behind hedges, won each other's money, +quarrelled, and brake each others' necks thereupon: so that to prevent +such murders and homicides, and specially because many would game away +their arms and horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore +now 'tis not only publicly allowed, but this particular place is +appointed therefore, that the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any +harm that might happen: yet they cannot always hinder that one or the +other fall not dead on the spot. And inasmuch as this gaming is the +tormenting devil's own device, and bringeth him no small gain, +therefore hath he ordained especial gaming-devils, that prowl around in +the world and have naught else to do but to tempt men to play. To these +divers wanton companions bind themselves by certain pacts and +agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win: yet can a man among +ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay, on the contrary +part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are lightly +esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in vile +pleasures. Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, 'The devil never +leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,' for he taketh from +them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more (except +God's infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their +souls. Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by +nature and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought +to despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring +therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win +mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and +drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net." Thereat I crossed +myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things +should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially +because visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and +the next followed therefrom. Yet my governor said all that he had told +me was as yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the +harm that came from gaming would begin an impossible task. For as men +say, so soon as the hazard is thrown 'tis now in the devil's hands, so +should I fancy that with every die, as it rolled from the player's hand +upon cloak or table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it +shew as many points as his master's interest demanded. And further, I +should reflect that 'twas not for nought that the devil entered into +the game so heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine +gains out of it himself. "And with that note thou further," says he, +"that just as there are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain +chafferers and Jews, which buy from the players at cheap rate what they +have won, as rings, apparel or jewels, or are ready to change such for +money for them to game away, so also there be devils walking to and +fro, that they may arouse and foster thoughts that may destroy the +souls in the gamesters that have ceased to play, be they winners or +losers. For the winners the devil will build terrible castles in the +air; but into them that have lost, whose spirit is already quite +distraught and therefore the more apt to receive his harmful counsels, +he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs as can but tend to +their eternal ruin. Yea, I assure thee, Simplicissimus, I am of the +mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I can come in peace to my own +again. And in that I will describe first the loss of precious time, +which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and no less the fearful +curses with which men blaspheme God over their gaming-tables. Then will +I likewise recount the taunts with which men provoke one another, and +will adduce many fearful examples and stories which have happened in, +during, and after play: and there will I not forget the duels and +homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. Yea, I will portray +in their true colours set before men's eyes the greed, the rage, the +envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the covetousness, the +thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both of dicers and +of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may conceive +such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows' milk (which folk are +wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their +madness). So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear God is more +blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with +their curses." And this project I praised, and wished him the +opportunity to carry it out. + + + + +_Chap. xxi._: IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LAST + + +Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to him, +yet kept we our friendship very secret: 'tis true I acted still as a +fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage +and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless. My +colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once +when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention +pleased me hugely. But because the dog we had was so hot that he would +spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could +catch but little, therefore I counselled the colonel to couple the +bitch with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and asses when +they would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so +could with them catch the birds in the air. I proposed also, since it +went right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg, which we then +besieged, to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and +encompassing the whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men +and all the cattle in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole +city head over heels. Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised +every day an abundance, for 'twas my trade, and none ever found my +workshop empty. And for this my master's secretary, which was an evil +customer and a hardened rogue, gave me matter enough, whereby I was +kept on the road which fools be wont to walk: for whatsoever this +mocker told me, that I not only believed myself but told it to others, +whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse turned on that subject. + +So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he was +distinguished from other folk by his apparel, "that," says he, "is +master _Dicis et non facis_, which is, being interpreted into German, a +fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself. He is the +bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth +not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be +commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its +best." So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he +was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at +his request well basted. Further, the secretary persuaded me they had +pulled down and set on fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague, +that the sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of +evil weeds: so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and +hearty fighters ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures, +malingerers, and the like, that were content with their pay: likewise +no elegant a la mode cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient +Jobs, henpecked husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout +women, and all manner of outcasts which in this world are good neither +to bake nor to boil, and young children. He told me too a lying story +of how hosts were called innkeepers only because in their business they +endeavoured to keep in with both God and the devil. And of war he told +me that at times golden bullets were used, and the more precious such +were, the more damage they did. "Yea," said he, "and a whole army with +artillery, ammunition, and baggage-train can be so led by a golden +chain." Further, he persuaded me that of women more than half wore +breeches, though one could not see them, and that many, though they +were no enchantresses and no goddesses as was Diana, yet could conjure +bigger horns on to their husbands' heads than ever Actaeon wore. In all +which I believed him: so great a fool was I. + +On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me, entertained +me with far different discourse. Moreover, he brought me to know his +son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon army, +and was a man of far different quality to my colonel's secretary: for +which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get him +from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post +his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also. With this +muster-clerk, whose name, like his father's, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I +struck up such a friendship that we swore eternal brotherhood, in +virtue of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy +or sorrow; and because this was without his father's knowledge, +therefore we held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow. By this was it +made our chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my fool's +coat, and how we might honestly serve one another; all which however +the old Herzbruder, whom I honoured and looked to as my father, +approved not, but said in so many words that if I was in haste to +change my estate, such change would bring me grievous imprisonment and +great danger to life and limb. And because he foretold for himself also +and his son a great disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that +he had reason to act more prudently and warily than to interfere in the +affairs of a person whose great approaching danger he could foresee: +for he was fearful he might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I +declared myself, because he had long ago found out my secret and knew +me inside and out, yet he never revealed my true condition to the +colonel. And soon after I perceived yet better that my colonel's +secretary envied my new brother desperately, as thinking he might be +raised over his head to the post of regimental secretary; for I saw how +at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon him, and how he was +always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked upon the old or +the young Herzbruder. Therefrom I judged he was making of calculations +how he might trip and throw him. So I told to my brother, both from my +faithful love to him and also as my certain duty, what I suspected, +that he might a little be on his guard against this Judas. But he did +but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough superior to the +secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the colonel's +great favour and grace. + + + + +_Chap. xxii._: A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES + +'Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried soldiers, +and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one, and to +boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said of +him he had seen enough and more than enough. For he was a fully +qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not +only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also, +yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his +countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have +Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe. And though +the poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held +themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his +ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with +this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary. And the more +his envy of young Herzbruder increased--who was ever of a lively +humour--the thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost: +whence I could easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and +Mercury boded no good to the honest Herzbruder. Just then my colonel's +lady was rejoiced at the coming of a young son, and the christening +feast spread in wellnigh princely fashion: at which young Herzbruder +was brought to wait at table. Which, when he of his courtesy willingly +did, he gave the longed-for opportunity to Oliver to bring into the +world the piece of roguery of which he had long been in labour. For +when all was over my colonel's great silver-gilt cup was missing; and +this loss he made the more ado about because 'twas still there after +all stranger guests had departed: 'tis true a page said he had last +seen it in Oliver's hands, but would not swear it. Upon that the +Provost was fetched to give his counsel in the matter, and 'twas said +aside to him that if he by his arts could discover the thief, they +would so carry the matter that that thief should be known to none save +the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had been present whom, +even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a matter, he would +not willingly bring to shame. + +So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough into +the colonel's great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the +matter. At that each looked on his neighbour, and desired to know how +'twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear. And no sooner had +the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man's +breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their +clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies. And these sniffed +round and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner +of colours, and each with some special ornament, so that 'twas a right +merry sight. As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies +that I must pull them off, and because my shirt had long before rotted +away in the forest, there I must stand naked. Last of all one sprang +out of young Herzbruder's pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on +golden a collar. This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there +were so many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot +down by reason of them. And when it had destroyed all, it became +smaller and smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it +turned into my colonel's cup. + +Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must perforce +believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen the cup: +so said the colonel to him: "Lookye, unthankful guest, have I deserved +this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never +believed of thee? For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my +secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should +have thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a +care of thy honourable and ancient father. Now quick;" said he, "out of +my camp, and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more." + +So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him, for +his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must +needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the +colonel himself to comfort him, which said, "a pious father was not to +answer for this sinful son." Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver +attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any +honourable fashion do so. + + + + +_Chap. xxiii._: HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS + + +Now as soon as young Herzbruder's captain heard this story he took from +him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he +was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished +for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a +sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied +that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and +limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the +colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk +with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I +was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw +that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who +knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his +innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged +easily from the circumstances that Oliver had laid this trap for his +son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from +whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he +looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave +his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live, +but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief +of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep. +At last 'twas their common resolve to commit their cause to God in +patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his +regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the +matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the +service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in +which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving +of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats that I +had sewn up in my ass's ears, and so asked how much money they wanted +in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, "If there came one and +brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my +troubles." I answered him, "Brother, if that will help thee, have a +good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats." "Alas, brother," +says he, "what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so +wanton that thou makest jests upon us in our sore affliction?" "Nay, +nay," said I, "I will provide the money." So I stripped off my coat and +took one of the asses' ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him to +count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said, +"Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it." + +Thereupon they both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for +very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and +therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder's co-heir together +with his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they +would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all +which I would have nothing, but only commended myself to their +perpetual friendship. After that, young Herzbruder would have sworn to +be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and +prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at the +hands of me, Simplicissimus. "Yet," said he, "I am well assured that ye +two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in +fight." Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to +love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits. + +But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers (for +which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself +with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg, +and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish +army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the +meanwhile. + + + + +_Chap. xxiv._: HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE + + +Now none of my colonel's people shewed himself better fitted to wait on +old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was +also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the +colonel's wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good +nursing, and being relieved in respect of his son, he grew better from +day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored +to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be +sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past. +Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to +know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good +calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent +physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named +the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since +many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day. + +My colonel's wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp, +for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered; +and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits, +he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge +that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which +cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he +described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it +were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the +time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things +which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or +had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water, +for he feared I might find my destruction therein. + +When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me, and also the +orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day, +most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay +and prayed without ceasing: but as 'twas near to afternoon there came a +lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the +colonel's master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith +by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the +orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of +the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that +availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to +say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never +found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the +honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and +nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he +did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as +soon as he saw mine old friend, "I ask his honour's pardon," says he, +"for the freedom I have taken, to speak a word with him." "'Tis well," +says Herzbruder, "wherein can I pleasure his honour?" "Only in this," +says the lieutenant, "that I could beg of his honour that he would +condescend upon the casting of my nativity." Then the old man answered: +"I hope the honourable gentleman will forgive me that I cannot, by +reason of my sickness, do his pleasure herein: for whereas this task +needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot accomplish it; but if he will +be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope to give him full +satisfaction." "Very well," says the lieutenant, "but in the meantime +let your honour tell my fortune by my hand." "Sir," said old +Herzbruder, "that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your +worship to spare me in that matter: tomorrow I will do all that your +worship asks of me." Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he +goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man's eyes, and says he, +"Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life's end, +with the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a +warning from God to order my life better; and so for God's sake I beg +you not to conceal the truth." Then the honest old man answered him in +a word, and says he, "'Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his +guard, lest he be hanged before an hour be past." "What, thou old +rogue," quoth the lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, "durst thou +hold such language to a gentleman?" and drew his sword and stabbed my +good old friend to death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried +"Murder," so that all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in +his departure that without doubt he would have escaped, but that the +Elector of Saxony with his staff at that very moment rode up, and had +him arrested. So when he understood the business he turned to Count +Hatzfeld, our general, and all he said was this: "'Twould be bad +discipline in an imperial camp that even a sick man in his bed were not +safe from murderers." + +That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his life: +for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious neck +till he was dead. + + + + +_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL +AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE + +From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are not +to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe +nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any +man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to +him long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken +of. And to the question, whether 'tis necessy, or helpful, and good for +a man to have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only +this, that old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still +wish he had told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he +foretold I have never been able to shun, and those that still await me +do turn my hair grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not +whether I torment myself or not: they will happen to me as did the +rest. But as to strokes of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of +them I hold that they be ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully +accomplished as the unlucky prophecies. For how did it help me that old +Herzbruder swore by all that was holy I was born and bred of noble +parents, since I knew of none but my dad and my mammy, which were but +common peasants in the Spessart? In like manner, how did it help +Wallenstein, the Duke of Friedland, that 'twas prophesied to him he +should once be crowned king with stringed music thereto? Doth not all +the world know how he was lulled to his ruin at Eger? Others may worry +their brains over such questions: but I must to my story. + +So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described, I +took a disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I +had been wont to call a town of flax and straw with earthen walls. For +now I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up +with iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool +me more, but to be rid of my jester's garb should it cost me life and +limb. And that design I carried out but scurvily, for otherwise I had +no opportunity. + +For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder's death was +appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the +servants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village, +wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers' purpose, and as each +went to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I +stole away, and searched to find some old peasant's clothing for which +I could exchange my fool's cap: yet I found not what I desired but must +be content with a woman's clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone, +and threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but +that I was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked +across the street, where were certain officers' wives, and made such +mincing steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him +disguised as a maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter: yet was I +hardly outside the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and +taught me to run faster: for when they cried "Halt, halt;" I ran the +quicker, and before they could overtake me I came to the said officers' +ladies, and falling on my knees before them, besought them, in the name +of all womanly honour and virtue, they should protect me from those +rascals. And this my prayer not only found a good reception, but I was +hired by the wife of a captain of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg +and the fort at Werben and Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by +our people. + +The captain's wife was no baby, but yet young, and came so to dote on +my smooth face and straight limbs that at length, after long trouble +and vain circumlocutions, she gave me to understand in all too plain +German where the shoe pinched. But at that time I was far too +conscientious, and pretended I understood not, nor would I show any +outward indication by which any man might judge me to be aught but a +virtuous maiden. Now the captain and his servant lay sick in that same +hospital, so he bade his wife to have me better clothed that she might +not be put to shame by my miserable peasant's kirtle. So that she did +and more than she was bidden; for she dressed me up like a French doll, +and that did but fan the fire wherewith all three were a-burning: yea, +and it waxed so that master and man begged of me that which I could not +grant to them, and that which I refused to the lady, though with all +manner of courtesy. At last the captain determined to take an +opportunity to get by force from me that which 'twas impossible he +should have: but that his wife marked, and being in hopes to overcome +my resistance in the end, blocked all the ways and laid all manner of +obstacles in the path, so that he thought he must in the end go mad or +lunatick. Once on a time when my master and mistress were asleep, the +servant came to the carriage in which I had to sleep every night, +bemoaned his love for me with hot tears, and begged most solemnly for +grace and mercy. But I shewed myself harder than any stone, and gave +him to understand I would keep my chastity till I was married. Then he +offered me marriage a thousand times over, yet all he could get from me +was an assurance 'twas impossible for me to marry him. Whereupon he +became desperate or pretended it, and drawing his sword, set the point +at his breast and the hilt against the carriage, and acted just as if +he would stab himself. So I thought, the devil is a rogue, and +therefore spoke him fair and comforted him, saying I would next morning +give him a certain answer: with that he was content and went to bed, +but I stayed awake the longer because I reflected on my strange +condition: for I could see that in the end my trick must be discovered, +for the captain's wife became more and more importunate with her +enticements, the captain more impudent in his designs, and the servant +more desperate in his constant love: and out of such a labyrinth I +could see no escape. Yet if the lady left me in peace, the captain +tormented me, and when I had peace from both of them at night, then the +servant beset me, so that my women's clothes were worse to wear than my +fool's cap. Then indeed (but far too late) I thought of the departed +Herzbruder's prophecy and warning, and could imagine nothing else but +that I was already fast in the prison he spoke of and in danger of life +and limb. For the woman's apparel kept me imprisoned, since I could not +get out of it, and the captain would have handled me roughly if he had +once found out who I was, and had caught me at the toilet with his fair +wife. What should I do? I resolved at length the same night to reveal +myself to the servant as soon as 'twas day, for I thought, "his desires +will then cease, and if thou art free with thy ducats to him he will +help thee to man's clothes again and so out of all thy straits." Which +was all well devised enough if luck would have had it so: but that +was against me. For my friend Hans took day to begin just after +midnight, and came to get his "Yes" from me, and began to hammer on the +carriage-cover even then when I was soundest asleep, calling out a +little too loud, "Sabina, Sabina, oh my beloved, rise up and keep your +promise to me," and so waked the captain before me, who had his tent +close by the carriage. And now he saw green and yellow before his eyes, +for jealousy had already got a hold of him: yet he came not out to +disturb us, but only got up, to see how the thing would end. At last +the servant woke me with his importunities, and would force me either +to come out of the carriage to him or to let him in to me, but I +rebuked him and asked did he take me for a whore? My promise of +yesterday was on condition of marriage, without which he should have +nought to do with me. He answered I must in any case rise, for it began +to grow light, to prepare the food for the family in good time: then he +would fetch wood and water and light the fire for me. "Well," said I, +"if thou wilt do that I can sleep the longer: only go away and I will +soon follow." Yet as the fool would not give over, I got up, more to +do my work than to pleasure him, for methought his desperate madness of +yesterday had left him. I should say that I would pass pretty well for +a maid-servant in the field, for with the Croats I had learned how to +boil, bake, and wash: as for spinning, soldiers' wives do it not on a +campaign. All other women's work which I could not do, such as brushing +and braiding hair, my mistress gladly forgave me, for she knew well I +had never learned it. + +But as I came out of the coach with my sleeves turned up, my Hans was +so inflamed by the sight of my white arms that he could not refrain +himself, but must kiss me; and I not greatly resisting that, the +captain, before whose eyes this took place, could bear it no longer, +but sprang with drawn sword out of the tent to give my poor lover a +thrust: but he ran off and forgot to come back; so says the captain to +me, "Thou whore in grain," says he, "I will teach thee ..." and more he +could not say for very rage, but struck at me as if he were mad. But I +beginning to cry out, he must needs stop lest he should alarm the camp: +for both armies, Saxon and Imperialist, lay close together expecting +the approach of the Swedes under Banér. + + + + +_Chap. xxvi._: HOW HE WAS IMPRISONED FOR A TRAITOR AND ENCHANTER + + +As soon as it was day my master handed me over to the horse-boys, even +as both armies were striking their tents: these were a pack of rascals, +and therefore was the baiting which I must endure the greater and more +dreadful: for they hastened with me to a thicket the better to satisfy +their bestial desires, as is the custom of these devils' children when +a woman is given over to them: and there followed them many fellows +looking on at their scurvy tricks, and among them my Hans, who let me +not out of his sight, and when he saw 'twould go ill with me would +rescue me by force, even should it cost him his head: who found backers +enough when he said I was his betrothed wife; and they, shewing pity +for him and me, were ready to help. But that the boys, who thought they +had the better right to me, and would not let such a good prize go, +would not have, and went about to repel force with force. So blows +beginning to be dealt on both sides, the crowd and the noise became +greater and greater till it seemed almost like a tournament in which +each did his best for a fair lady's sake. All this terrible hubbub drew +the Provost-general to the spot, who came even then when my clothing +had been torn from my body and 'twas plain that I was no woman: his +coming made all quiet as mice, for he was feared far more than the +devil himself; and those that had been at fisticuffs scattered. But +he briefly inquired of the matter, and whereas I hoped he would save +me, on the contrary he arrested me, because it was a strange and +suspicious thing for a man to be found in an army in women's clothes. +Accordingly, he and his men walked off with me to the regiments (which +were all afoot and ready to march), with intent to deliver me to the +Judge-Advocate-General, or Quartermaster-General: but when we were +about to pass my colonel's regiment, I was known and accosted and +furnished by my colonel with some poor clothes, and so given in custody +to our old provost, who put me in irons hand and foot. + +It was mighty hard work for me so to march in fetters, and the old +curmudgeon would have properly plagued me had not the secretary Oliver +paid for me; for I would not let my ducats, which I had thus far kept, +see the light, for I should at the same time have lost them and also +have fallen into greater danger. The said Oliver informed me the same +evening why I was kept in such close custody, and the regimental +sheriff received orders at once to examine me, that my deposition might +the sooner be laid before the Judge-Advocate-General, for they counted +me not only for a spy, but also for one that could use witchcraft; for +shortly after I left my colonel certain witches were burnt who +confessed before their death that they had seen me at their General +Assembly, when they met together to dry up the Elbe, that Magdeburg +might be taken the sooner. So the points on which I was to give an +answer were these. (1) Whether I had not been a student, or at least +could read and write? (2) Why I had come to the camp at Magdeburg +disguised as a fool, whereas in the captain's service I had been as +sane as I was now? (3) Why I had disguised myself in women's apparel? +(4) Whether I had not been at the witches' dance with other sorcerers? +(5) Where I was born and who my parents were? (6) Where I had sojourned +before I came to the camp before Magdeburg? and (7) Where and to what +end I had learned women's work such as washing, baking, cooking, and +also lute-playing? Thereupon I would have told my whole story, that the +circumstances of my strange adventures might explain all; but the judge +was not curious, only weary and peevish after his long march: so he +desired only a round answer to each question; and that I answered in +the following words, out of which no one could yet learn aught that was +exact or precise--as thus: (1) I had not been a student, but could read +and write German. (2) I had been forced to wear a fool's coat because I +had no other. (3) Because I was weary of the fool's coat and could come +at no men's clothes. (4) I answered yes; but had gone against my will +and knew naught of witchcraft. (5) I was born in the Spessart and my +parents were peasants. (6) With the Governor of Hanau and with a +colonel of Croats, Corpes by name. (7) Among the Croats I had been +forced against my will to learn cooking and the like: but lute-playing +at Hanau because I had a liking thereto. So when my deposition was +written out, "How canst thou deny," says he, "and say thou hast not +studied, seeing that when thou didst pass for a fool, and the priest in +the mass said 'Domine non sum dignus,' thou didst answer in Latin that +he need not say that, for all knew it." + +"Sir," said I, "others taught me that and persuaded me 'twas a prayer +that one must use at mass, when our chaplain was saying it." "Yes, +yes," said he, "I see thou art the very kind of fellow whose tongue +must be loosed by the torture." Whereat I thought, "God help thee if +thy tongue follow thy foolish head!" + +Early next morning came orders from the Judge-Advocate-General to our +provost that he should keep me well in charge; for he was minded as +soon as the armies halted to examine me himself: in which case I must +without doubt to the torture, had not God ordered it otherwise. In my +bonds I thought ever of my pastor at Hanau and old Herzbruder that was +dead, how both had foretold how it would fare with me if I were rid of +my fool's coat again. + + + + +_Chap. xxvii._: HOW THE PROVOST FARED IN THE BATTLE OF WITTSTOCK + + +The same evening, and when we had hardly as yet pitched our tents, I +was brought to the Judge-Advocate-General, who had before him my +deposition and also writing materials; and he began to examine me more +closely. But I, on the other part, told my story even as it had +happened to me, yet was not believed, nor could the judge be sure +whether he had a fool or a hard-bitten knave before him, so pat did +question and answer fall and so strange was the whole history. He bade +me take a pen and write, to see what I could do, and moreover to see if +my handwriting was known, or if it had any marks in it that a man +could recognise. I took pen and paper as handily as one that had been +daily used to employ the same, and asked what I should write. The +Judge-Advocate-General, who was perhaps vexed because my examination +had prolonged itself far into the night, answered me thus: "What!" says +he, "write down 'Thy mother the whore.'" + +Those words I did write down, and when they were read out they did but +make my case worse,[17] for the Advocate-General said he was now well +assured that I was a rogue. Then he asked the provost, had they +searched me and found any writings upon me? The provost answered him +no; for how could they search a man that had been brought to them +naked? But it availed nought! The provost must search me in the +presence of all, and as he did that diligently (O ill-luck!) there he +found my two asses' ears with the ducats in them bound round my arms. +Then said they: "What need we any further witness? This traitor hath +without doubt undertaken some great plot, for why else should any +honest man disguise himself in a fool's raiment, or a man conceal +himself in women's garments? And how could any suppose that a man would +carry on him so great a quantity of money, unless it were that he +intended to do some great deed therewith?" For said they, did he not +himself confess he had learned lute-playing under the cunningest +soldier in the world, the commandant of Hanau? "Gentlemen," says they, +"what think you he did not learn among those sharp-witted Hessians? The +shortest way is to have him to the torture and then to the stake: +seeing he hath in any case been in the company of sorcerers and +therefore deserveth no better." + +How I felt at that time any man can judge for himself; for I knew I was +innocent and had strong trust in God: yet I could see my danger and +lamented the loss of my fair ducats, which the Judge-Advocate-General +had put in his own pocket. But before they could proceed to extremities +with me Banér's folk fell upon ours: at the first the two armies fought +for the best position, and then secondly for the heavy artillery, which +our people lost forthwith. Our provost kept pretty far behind the line +of battle with his helpers and his prisoners, yet were we so close to +our brigade that we could tell each man by his clothing from behind; +and when a Swedish squadron attacked ours we were in danger of our +lives as much as the fighters, for in a moment the air was so full of +singing bullets that it seemed a volley had been fired in our honour. +At that the timid ducked their heads, as they would have crept into +themselves: but they that had courage and had been present at such +sport before let the balls pass over their heads quite unconcerned. In +the fighting itself every man sought to prevent his own death with the +cutting down of the nearest that encountered him: and the terrible +noise of the guns, the rattle of the harness, the crash of the pikes, +and the cries both of the wounded and the attackers made up, together +with the trumpets, drums and fifes, a horrible music. There could one +see nought but thick smoke and dust, which seemed as it would conceal +the fearful sight of the wounded and dead: in the midst of it could be +heard the pitiful outcries of the dying and the cheers of them that +were yet full of spirit: the very horses seemed as if they were more +and more vigorous to defend their masters, so furious did they shew +themselves in the performance of that duty which they were compelled to +do. Some of them one could see falling dead under their masters, full +of wounds which they had undeservedly received for the reward of their +faithful services: others for the same cause fell upon their riders, +and thus in their death had the honour of being borne by those they had +in life been forced to bear: others, again, being rid of the valiant +burden that had guided them, fled from mankind in their fury and +madness, and sought again their first freedom in the open field. The +earth, whose custom it is to cover the dead was there itself covered +with them, and those variously distinguished: for here lay heads that +had lost their natural owners, and there bodies that lacked their +heads: some had their bowels hanging out in most ghastly and pitiful +fashion, and others had their heads cleft and their brains scattered: +there one could see how lifeless bodies were deprived of their blood +while the living were covered with the blood of others; here lay arms +shot off, on which the fingers still moved, as if they would yet be +fighting; and elsewhere rascals were in full flight that had shed no +drop of blood: there lay severed legs, which though delivered from the +burden of the body, yet were far heavier than they had been before: +there could one see crippled soldiers begging for death, and on the +contrary others beseeching quarter and the sparing of their lives. In a +word, 'twas naught but a miserable and pitiful sight. The Swedish +conquerors drove our people from their position, which they had +defended with such ill luck, and were scattered everywhere in pursuit. +At which turn of things my provost, with us his prisoners, also took to +flight, though we had deserved no enmity from the conquerors by reason +of our resistance: but while the provost was threatening of us with +death and so compelling us to go with him, young Herzbruder galloped up +with five other horsemen and saluted him with a pistol and, "Lookye, +old dog," says he, "is it the time now to breed young puppies? Now will +I pay thee for thy pains." + +But the shot harmed the provost as little as if it had struck an anvil. +So "Beest thou of that kidney," said Herzbruder, "yet I will not have +come to do thee a courtesy in vain: die thou must even if thy soul were +grown into thy body." And with that he compelled a musqueteer of the +provost's own guard, if he would himself have quarter, to cut him down +with an axe. And so that provost got his reward: but I being known by +Herzbruder, he bade them free me from my fetters and bonds, set me on a +horse, and charged his servant to bring me to a place of safety. + + + + +_Chap. xxviii._: OF A GREAT BATTLE WHEREIN THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED IN +THE HOUR OF TRIUMPH + + +But even then, while my rescuer's servant conveyed me out of danger, +his own master was, by reason of his greed of honour and of gain, +carried so far afield that he in his turn was taken prisoner. So when +the conquerors were dividing of the spoil and burying their dead, and +Herzbruder was a-missing, his captain received as his inheritance me +with his servant and his horses: whereby I must submit to be ranked as +a horse-boy, and in exchange for that received nought, save only these +promises: namely, that if I carried myself well and could grow a little +older, he would mount me: that is, make a trooper of me: and with that +I must be content. + +But presently thereafter my captain was appointed lieutenant-colonel, +and I discharged the same office for him that David did for Saul, for +when we were in quarters I played the lute for him, and when we were on +the march I must wear his cuirass after him, which was a sore burden to +me: and although these arms were devised to protect their wearers +against the buffets of the enemy, I found it the contrary, for mine own +young which I hatched pursued me with the more security under the +protection of those same arms: under the breastplate they had their +free quarters, pastime, and playground, so that it seemed I wore the +harness not for my protection but for theirs, for I could not reach +them with my arms and could do no harm among them.[18] I busied myself +with the planning of all manner of campaigns against them, to destroy +this invincible Armada: yet had I neither time nor opportunity to +drive them out by fire, (as is done in ovens) nor by water, nor by +poison--though well I knew what quicksilver would do. Much less had I +the opportunity to be rid of them by a change of raiment or a clean +shirt, but must carry them with me, and give them my body and blood to +feed upon. And when they so tormented and bit me under the harness, I +whipped out a pistol as if I would exchange shots with them: yet did +only take out the ramrod and therewith drive them from their banquet. +At last I discovered a plan, to wind a bit of fur round the ramrod and +so make a pretty bird-lime for them: and when I could be at them under +the harness with this louse-angler, I fished them out in dozens from +their dens, and murdered them: but it availed me little. + +Now it happened that my lieutenant-colonel was ordered to make an +expedition into Westphalia with a strong detachment; and if he had been +as strong in cavalry as I was in my private garrison he would have +terrified the whole world: but as 'twas not so he must needs go warily, +and for that reason also hide in the Gemmer Mark (a wood so called +between Soest and Ham). Now even then I had come to a crisis with my +friends: for they tormented me so with their excavations that I feared +they might effect a lodgment between flesh and skin. Let no man wonder +that the Brasilians do devour their lice, for mere rage and revenge, +because they so torment them. At last I could bear my torment no +longer, but when the troopers were busy--some feeding, some sleeping, +and some keeping guard--I crept a little aside under a tree to wage war +with mine enemies: to that end I took off mine armour (though others be +wont to put it on when they fight) and began such a killing and +murdering that my two swords, which were my thumbnails, dripped with +blood and hung full of dead bodies, or rather empty skins: and all such +as I could not slay I banished forthwith, and suffered them to take +their walks under that same tree. + +Now whenever this encounter comes into my remembrance forthwith my skin +doth prick me everywhere, as if I were but now in the midst of the +battle. 'Tis true I doubted for a while whether I should so revenge +myself on mine own blood, and specially against such true servants that +would suffer themselves to be hanged with me--yea, and broken on the +wheel with me, and on whom, by reason of their numbers, I had often +lain softly in the open air on the hardest of earth. But I went on so +furiously in my tyrannical ways that I did not even mark how the +Imperialists were at blows with my lieutenant-colonel, till at last +they came to me, terrified my poor lice, and took me myself prisoner. +Nor had they any respect for my manhood, by the power of which I had +just before slain my thousands, and even surpassed the fame of the +tailor that killed "seven at a blow." I fell to the share of a dragoon, +and the best booty he got from me was my lieutenant-colonel's cuirass, +and that he sold at a fair price to the commandant at Soest, where he +was quartered. So he was in the course of this war my sixth master: for +I must serve him as his foot-boy. + + + + +_Chap. xxix._: HOW A NOTABLY PIOUS SOLDIER FARED IN PARADISE, AND HOW +THE HUNTSMAN FILLED HIS PLACE + + +Now unless our hostess had been content to have herself and her whole +house possessed by my army, 'twas certain she must be rid of them. And +that she did, short and sharp, for she put my rags into the oven and +burned them out as clean as an old tobacco-pipe, so that I lived again +as 'twere in a rose-garden freed from my vermin: yea, and none can +believe how good it was for me to be free from that torment wherein I +had sat for months as in an ant's nest. But in recompense for that I +had a new plague to encounter: namely, that my new master was one of +those strange soldiers that do think to get to heaven: he was contented +with his pay and never harmed a child. His whole fortune consisted in +what he could earn by standing sentry and what he could save from his +weekly pay; and that, poor as it was, he valued above all the pearls of +the Orient: each sixpence he got he sewed into his breeches, and that +he might have more of such sixpences I and his horse must starve: I +must break my teeth upon dry Pumpernickel, and nourish myself with +water, or at best with small beer, and that was a poor affair for +me--inasmuch as my throat was raw from the dry black bread and my whole +body wasted away. If I would eat I must needs steal, and even that with +such secrecy that my master could by no manner of means be brought to +book. As for him, gallows and torture, headsmen and their helpers--yea, +and surgeons too--were but superfluous. Sutlers and hawkers too must +soon have beat a retreat from him: for his thoughts were far from +eating and drinking, gaming and quarrelling: but when he was ordered +out for a convoy or an expedition of any sort where pay was, there he +would loiter and dawdle away his time. Yea, I believe truly if this +good old dragoon had not possessed these soldierly virtues of +loitering, he would never have got me: for in that case he would have +followed my lieutenant-colonel at the double. I could count on no cast +clothes from him: for he himself went in such rags as did beforetime my +hermit in the woods. His whole harness and saddle were scarce worth +three-halfpence, and his horse so staggering for hunger that neither +Swede nor Hessian needed to fear his attack. + +All these fair qualities did move his captain to send him to +Paradise--which was a monastery so called--on protection-duty: not +indeed as if he were of much avail for that purpose, but that he might +grow fat and buy himself a new nag: and most of all because the nuns +had asked for a pious and conscientious and peaceable fellow for their +guard. And so he rode thither and I behind him: for he had but one +horse: and "Zounds;" says he, "Simbrecht; (for he could never frame to +pronounce my name aright) when we come to Paradise we will take our +fill." And I answered him: "Yes," said I, "the name is a good omen: God +grant it that the place be like its name!" "Yes, yes," says he, for he +understood me not, "if we can get two ohms of the good Westphalian beer +every day we shall not fare ill. Look to thyself: for I will now have a +fine new cloak made, and thou canst have the old one: 'twill make a +brave new coat for thee." + +Well might he call it the old one: for I believe it could well remember +the Battle of Pavia,[19] so weather-beaten and shabby was it: and with +the giving of it he did me but little kindness. + +Paradise we found as we would have it and still better: in place of +angels we found fair maidens, who so entertained us with food and drink +that presently I came again to my former fatness: the strongest beer we +had, the best Westphalian hams and smoked sausages and savoury and +delicate meat, boiled in salt water and eaten cold. There too I learned +to spread black bread a finger thick with salt butter, and put cheese +on that so that it might slip down better: and when I could have a +knuckle of mutton garnished with garlic and a good tankard of beer +beside it, then would I refresh body and soul and forget all my past +sufferings. In a word, this Paradise pleased me as much as if it had +been the true Paradise: no other care had I except that I knew 'twould +not always last, and I must fare forth again in my rags. + +But even as misfortune ever came to me in abundance when it once began +to pursue me, so now it seemed to me that good fortune would run it +hard: for when my master would send me to Soest to fetch his baggage +thence, I found on the road a pack, and in the same some ells of +scarlet cloth cut for a cloak, and red silk also for the lining. That I +took with me, and at Soest I exchanged it with a clothier for common +green woollen cloth fit for a coat and trappings, with the condition he +should make such a coat and provide me also with a new hat: and +inasmuch as I grievously needed also a new pair of shoes and a shirt, I +gave the huckster the silver buttons and the lace that belonged to the +cloak, for which he procured for me all that I wanted, and turned me +out brand-new. So I returned to Paradise to my master, who was mightily +incensed that I had not brought my findings to him: yea, he talked of +trouncings, and for a trifle, an he had not been shamed and had the +coat fitted him, would have stript it off me for to wear it himself. +But to my thinking I had done a good piece of trading. + +But now must the miserly fellow be ashamed that his lad went better +clothed than he: therefore he rides to Soest, borrows money from his +captain and equips himself in the finest style, with the promise to +repay all out of his weekly protection-pay: and that he carefully did. +He had indeed himself means to pay that and more also, but was too sly +to touch his stores: for had he done that his malingering was at an +end, wherein he hoped to abide softly that winter through, and some +other naked fellow had been put in his place: but now the captain must +perforce leave him where he lay, or he would not recover his money he +had lent. Thenceforward we lived the laziest life in the world, wherein +skittles was our chief exercise: when I had groomed my dragoon's horse, +fed and given him to drink, then I played the gentleman and went +a-walking. + +The convent was safeguarded also by our opponents the Hessians with a +musqueteer from Lippstadt: the same was by trade a furrier, and for +that reason not only a master-singer but also a first-rate fencer, and +lest he should forget his art he daily exercised himself with me in all +weapons, in which I became so expert that I was not afraid to challenge +him whenever he would. My old dragoon, in place of fencing with him, +would play at skittles, and that for no other wager but who should +drink most beer at dinner: and so whoever lost the convent paid. + +This convent had its own game-preserves and therefore its own huntsman, +and inasmuch as I also was clad in green I joined myself to him, and +from him in that autumn and winter I learned all his arts, and +especially all that concerns catching of small game. For that cause, +and because also the name Simplicissimus was somewhat uncommon and for +the common folk easily forgotten or hard to pronounce, every one called +me the "little huntsman": and meanwhile I learned to know every way and +path, and that knowledge I made good use of thereafter. But when by +reason of ill weather I could not take my walks abroad in the wood, +then I read all manner of books which the bailiff of the convent lent +me. And so soon as the good nuns knew that, besides my good voice, I +could also play a little on the lute and the harpsichord, then did they +give more heed to me, and because there was added to these qualities a +prettily proportioned body and a handsome face enough, therefore they +deemed all my manners and customs, my doings and my ways, to be the +ways of nobility: and so became I all unexpectedly a much-loved +gentleman, of whom one could but wonder that he should serve so scurvy +a dragoon. + +But when I had spent the winter in the midst of such pleasures, my +master was discharged: which vexed him so much (by reason of the good +living he was to lose) that he fell sick, and inasmuch as that was +aggravated by a violent fever (and likewise the old wounds that he had +got in the wars in his lifetime helped the mischief), he had but short +shrift, for in three weeks I had somewhat to bury, but this epitaph I +wrote for him: + + "Old Miserly lies here, a soldier brave and good, + Who all his lifetime through shed ne'er a drop of blood." + +By right and custom the captain could take and inherit the man's horse +and musquet and the general all else that he left: but since I was a +lively, well-set-up lad, and gave hopes that in time I should not fear +any man, it was offered me to take all, if only I would take the place +of my dead master. And that I undertook the more readily because I knew +my master had left a pretty number of ducats sewn into his old +breeches, which he had raked together in his lifetime: and when in the +process of things I must give in my name--namely, Simplicius +Simplicissimus--and the muster-clerk (which was named Cyriack) could +not write it down aright, says he, "There is no devil in hell with such +a name." Thereon I asked him quickly, "Was there one there named +Cyriack?" and clever as he thought himself, that he would not answer: +and that pleased my captain so that from thenceforward he thought well +of me. + + + + +_Chap. xxx._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CARRIED HIMSELF WHEN HE BEGAN TO LEARN +THE TRADE OF WAR: WHEREFROM A YOUNG SOLDIER MAY LEARN SOMEWHAT + + +Now the commandant in Soest needed a lad in his stables, of the kind +that I seemed to him to be, and for that reason he was not well pleased +that I had turned soldier, but would try to have me yet: to that end he +made a pretence of my youth and that I could not yet pass for a man: +and having set this forth to my master, he sends to me and says he, +"Harkye, little huntsman, thou shalt be my servant." So I asked what +would my duties be: to which he answered I should help to tend his +horses. "No, sir," quoth I, "we are not for one another: I would rather +have a master in whose service the horses should tend me: but seeing +that I can find none such, I will sooner remain a soldier." "Thy +beard," says he, "is yet too small." "No, no," said I, "I will wager I +can encounter any man of eighty years: a beard never yet killed a man, +or goats would be in high esteem." "Oho!" says he, "if thy courage be +as high as thy wit, I will let thee pass for a soldier." I answered, +"That can be tried upon the next occasion," and therewithal I gave him +to understand I would not be used as a groom. So he left me as I was, +and said the proof of the pudding was in the eating. + +So now I betook myself to my old dragoon's old breeches, and having +dissected them, I recovered out of their entrails a good soldier's +horse and the best musquet I could find: and all must for me be as +bright as looking-glass. Then I bought a new suit of green clothes: for +this name of the "huntsman" suited well with my fancy: and my old suit +I gave to my lad; for 'twas too small for me. And so could I ride on +mine own account like a young nobleman, and thought no small beer of +myself. Yea, I made so bold as to deck my hat with a great plume like +an officer: and with that I raised up for myself enviers and mislikers: +and betwixt them and me were presently hot words and at last even +buffets. Yet hardly had I proved to one or two that same science which +I had learned in Paradise of the good furrier, when behold, not only +would all leave me in peace but would have my friendship moreover. +Besides all this, I was ever ready to give my service for all +expeditions on foot or on horseback: for I was a good rider and quicker +on foot than most, and when it came to dealing with the enemy I must +charge forward as for mere pleasure and ever be in the front rank. So +was I in brief time known both among friends and foes, and so famous +that both parties thought much of me, seeing that the most dangerous +attacks were entrusted to me to carry out, and to that end whole +detachments put under my command. And now I began to steal like any +Bohemian, and if I made any capture of value, I would give my officers +so rich a share thereof that 'twas allowed me to play my tricks on +forbidden ground, for whatever I did I was supported. General Count +Götz had left remaining in Westphalia three enemy's garrisons--to wit, +in Dorsten, in Lippstadt, and in Coesfeld: and all these three I +mightily plagued! for I was before their gates, now here, now there, +one day here and one day there, no less, and snapped up many a good +prize, and because I ever escaped the folk came to believe of me I +could make myself invisible and was as proof as iron or steel. So now +was I feared like the plague itself, so that thirty men of the enemy +would not be shamed to flee before me if they did but know I was in +their neighbourhood with fifteen. And at last it came to this: that +where a contribution must be levied from a place, I was the man for +that: and my plunder from that became as great as my fame. Mine +officers and comrades loved their little huntsman: the chief partisans +of the opposite side were terrified, and by fear and love I kept the +countrymen on my side: for I knew how to punish my opposers, and them +that did me the smallest service richly to repay: insomuch that I spent +wellnigh the half of my booty in paying of my spies. And for that +reason there went no reconnaissance, no convoy, no expedition out from +the adversary whose departure was not made known to me: whereupon I +laid my plans and founded my projects, and because I commonly brought +the same to good effect by the help of good luck, all were astonished: +and that chiefly at my youthful age: so that even many officers and +good soldiers of the other party much desired to see me. To this must +be added that I ever shewed myself courteous to my prisoners, so that +they often cost me more than my booty was worth, and whensoever I could +shew a courtesy to any of the adversary, and specially to any officer, +without injury to my duty and to my allegiance to my master, I +neglected it not. And by such behaviour I had surely been presently +forwarded to the rank of officer, had not my youth hindered that: for +whosoever, at the age wherein I then was, would be an ensign, must be +of noble birth: besides, my captain could not promote me; for there +were no vacancies in his own company and he would not let me go to +another: for so would he have lost in me a milch-cow and more too. So +must I be and remain a corporal. Yet this honour, which I had gained +over the heads of old soldiers, though 'twas but a small thing, yet +this and the praise which daily I received were to me as spurs to urge +me on to better things. And day and night I dreamed only of fresh plans +to make myself greater: nay, I could not sleep by reason of such +foolish phantasies. And because I saw that I wanted an opportunity to +shew the courage which I felt in me, it vexed me that I could not every +day have the chance to meet the adversary in arms and try the result. +So then I wished the Trojan war back again, or such a siege as was at +Ostende,[20] and fool as I was, I never thought that a pitcher goes to +the well till it breaks: and that also is true of a young soldier and a +foolish, when he hath but money and luck and courage: thereupon follow +haughtiness and pride: and by reason of that pride I hired, in place of +one footboy, two serving-men, whom I equipped well and horsed them +well, and so gained the envy of all the officers. + + + + +_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE DEVIL STOLE THE PARSON'S BACON AND HOW THE +HUNTSMAN CAUGHT HIMSELF + + +Now must I tell you a story or two of things that happened to me before +I left the dragoons: and though they are trifling, yet are they amusing +to be heard: for I undertook not only great things, but despised not +also small affairs, if only I could be assured that thereby I should +get reputation among the people. + +Now my captain was ordered, with fifty odd men on foot, to Schloss +Recklinghausen, and there to carry out a certain design: and as we +thought that before the plan could be carried out we had best hide +ourselves a day or two in the woods, each took with him provision for a +week. But inasmuch as the rich convoy we waited for came not at the +appointed time, our food gave out: and we dared not to steal, for so +had we betrayed ourselves and caused our plan to come to nothing: and +so hunger pressed us sore: moreover, I had in that quarter no good +friends (as elsewhere) to bring me and my men food in secret. And +therefore must we devise other means to line our bellies if we would +not go home empty. My comrade, a journeyman Latinist who had but lately +run from school and enlisted, sighed in vain for the barley soup which +beforetime his parents had served up for his delight, and which he had +despised and left untasted: and as he thought on those meals of old, so +he remembered his school satchel, beside which he had eaten them. + +"Ah, brother;" says he to me, "is't not a shame that I have not learned +arts enough to fill my belly now. Brother, I know, _re vera_, if I +could but get to the parson in that village, 'twould provide me with an +excellent convivium." So I pondered on that word awhile and considered +our condition, and because they that knew the country might not leave +the ambush (for they had surely been recognised) while those that were +unknown to the people knew of no chance to steal or buy in secret, I +founded my plan on our student and laid the thing before our captain. +And though 'twas dangerous for him also, yet was his trust in me so +great, and our plight so evil, that he consented. So I changed clothes +with another man, and with my student I shogged off to the said village +and that by a wide circuit, though it lay but half an hour from us: and +coming thither we forthwith knew the house next the church to be the +priest's abode; for 'twas built town-fashion and abutted on the wall +that surrounded the whole glebe. Now I had already taught my comrade +what he should say: for he had yet his worn-out old student's cloak on +him: but I gave myself out for a journeyman painter, as thinking I +could not well be called upon to exercise that art in the village; for +farmers do not often have their houses decorated. + +The good divine was civil, and when my comrade had made him a deep +Latin reverence and told lies in great abundance to him, as how the +soldiers had plundered him on his road and robbed him of all his +journey-money, he offered him a piece of bread and butter and a draught +of beer. But I made as though I belonged not to him, and said I would +eat a snack in the inn and then call for him, that we might ere the day +was spent come somewhat further on our way together. And to the inn I +went, yet more to espy what I could fetch away that night than to +appease mine hunger, and had also the luck on the way to find a peasant +plastering up of his oven, in which he had great loaves of rye-bread, +that should sit there and bake for four-and-twenty hours. With the +innkeeper I did little business: for now I knew where bread was to be +had: yet bought a few loaves of white bread for our captain, and when I +came to the parsonage to warn my comrade to go, he had already had his +fill, and had told the priest I was a painter and was minded to journey +to Holland, there to perfect my art. So the good man bade me welcome +and begged me to go into the church with him, for he would shew me some +pieces there that needed repair. And not to spoil the play, I must +follow. So he took me through the kitchen, and as he opened the lock in +the strong oaken door that led to the churchyard, O mirum! there I saw +that the black heaven above was dark with lutes, flutes, and fiddles, +meaning the hams, smoked sausages, and sides of bacon that hung in the +chimney; at which I looked with content, for it seemed as if they +smiled at me, and I wished, but in vain, to have them for my comrades +in the wood: yet they were so obstinate as to hang where they were. +Then pondered I upon the means how I could couple them with the said +oven full of bread, yet could not easily devise such, for, as +aforesaid, the parson's yard was walled round and all windows +sufficiently guarded with iron bars. Furthermore there lay two +monstrous great dogs in the courtyard which, as I feared, would of a +surety not sleep by night if any would steal that whereon 'twas the +reward of their faithful guardianship to feed by day. So now when we +came into the church and talked of the pictures, and the priest would +hire me to mend this and that, and I sought for excuses and pleaded my +journey, says the sacristan or bellringer, "Fellow," says he, "I take +thee rather for a runaway soldier than a painter." To such rough talk I +was no longer used, yet must put up with it: still I shook my head a +little and answered him, "Fellow, give me but a brush and colours, and +in a wink I will have thee painted for the fool thou art." Whereat the +priest laughed, yet said to us both, 'twas not fitting to wrangle in so +holy a place: with that I perceived he believed us both, both me and my +student; so he gave us yet another draught and let us go. But my heart +I left behind among the smoked sausages. + +Before nightfall we came to our companions, where I took my clothes and +arms again, told the captain my story, and chose out six stout fellows +to bring the bread home. At midnight we came to the village and took +the bread out of the oven: for we had a man among us that could charm +dogs; and when we were to pass by the parsonage, I found it not in my +heart to go further without bacon. In a word, I stood still and +considered deeply whether 'twere not possible to come into the priest's +kitchen, yet could find no other way but the chimney, which for this +turn must be my door. The bread and our arms we took into the +churchyard and into the bone-house, and fetched a ladder and rope from +a shed close by. Now I could go up and down chimneys as well as any +chimney-sweep (for that I had learned in my youth in the hollow trees), +so on to the roof I climbed with one other, which roof was covered with +a double ceiling and a hollow between, and therefore convenient for my +purpose. So I twisted my long hair into a bunch on my head, and lowered +myself down with an end of the rope to my beloved bacon, and fastened +one ham after another and one flitch after another to the rope which my +comrade on the roof most regularly hauled up and gave to the others to +carry to the bonehouse. But alack and well-a-day! Even as I shut my +shop and would out again a rafter broke under me, and poor +Simplicissimus tumbled down and the miserable huntsman found himself +caught as in a mouse-trap: 'tis true, my comrades on the roof let down +the rope to draw me up: but it broke before they could lift me from the +ground. And, "Now huntsman," thought I, "thou must abide a hunt in +which thy hide will be as torn as was Actaeon's," for the priest was +awakened by my fall and bade his cook forthwith to kindle a light: who +came in her nightdress into the kitchen with her gown hanging on her +shoulders and stood so near me that she almost touched me: then she +took up an ember, held the light to it, and began to blow: yet I blew +harder, which so affrighted the good creature that she let both fire +and candle fall and ran to her master. So I gained time to consider by +what means I could help myself out: yet found I none. + +Now my comrades gave me to understand through the chimney they would +break the house open and have me forth: that would I not have, but bade +them to look to their arms and leave only my especial comrade on the +roof, and wait to see if I could not get away without noise and +disturbance, lest our ambush should be frustrated: but if it could not +be so, then might they do their best. Meanwhile the good priest himself +struck a light; while his cook told him a fearful spectre was in the +kitchen who had two heads (for she had seen my hair in a bunch on my +head and had mistook it for a second head). All this I heard, and +accordingly smeared my face and arms with my hands, which were full of +ashes, soot, and cinders, so vilely that without question I no longer +could be likened to an angel, as those holy maidens in Paradise had +likened me: and that same sacristan, had he but seen me, would have +granted me this, that I was a quick painter. And now I began to rattle +round in the kitchen in fearful wise, and to throw the pots and pans +about: and the kettle-ring coming to my hand, I hung it round my neck, +and the fire-hook I kept in my hand to defend myself in case of need. + +All which dismayed not that good priest: for he came in procession with +his cook, who bore two wax-lights in her hands and a holy-water stoup +on her arm, he himself being vested in his surplice and stole, with the +sprinkler in one hand and a book in the other, out of which he began to +exorcise me and to ask who I was and what I did there. So as he took me +to be the devil, I thought 'twas but fair I should play the devil's +part as the Father of Lies, and so answered, "I am the Devil, and will +wring thy neck and thy cook's too." Yet he went on with his conjuring +and bade me take note I had no concern with him nor his cook; yea, and +commanded me under the most solemn adjuration that I should depart to +the place whence I had come. To which I answered with a horrible voice, +that 'twas impossible even if I would. Meanwhile my comrade on the +roof, which was an arch-rogue and knew his Latin well, had his part to +play: for when he heard what time of day 'twas in the kitchen, he +hooted like an owl, he barked like a dog, he neighed like a horse, he +bleated like a goat, he brayed like an ass, and made himself heard down +the chimney like a whole crew of cats bucking in February, and then +again like a clucking hen: for the fellow could imitate any beasts' cry +and, when he would, could howl as naturally as if a whole pack of +wolves were there. And this terrified the priest and his cook more than +anything: yet was my conscience sore to suffer myself to be abjured as +the devil; for he truly took me for such as having read or heard that +the devil loved to appear clad in green. + +Now in the midst of these doubts, which troubled both parties alike, I +was aware by good luck that the key in the lock of the door that led to +the churchyard was not turned, but only the bolt shot: so I speedily +drew it back and whipped out of the door into the churchyard, where I +found my comrades standing with their musquets cocked, and left the +parson to conjure devils as long as he would. So when my comrade had +brought my hat down from the roof, and we had packed up our provands, +we went off to our fellows, having no further business in the village +save that we should have returned the borrowed ladder and rope to their +owners. + +With our stolen food the whole party refreshed themselves, and all had +cause enough to laugh over my adventure: only the student could not +stomach it that I should rob the priest that had so nobly filled his +belly, yea, he swore loud and long he would fain pay him for his bacon, +had he but the means at hand; and yet ate of it as heartily as if he +were hired for the business. So we lay in our ambush two days longer +and waited for the convoy we had so long looked for; where we lost no +single man in the attack, yet captured over thirty prisoners and as +splendid booty as ever I did help to divide: and I had a double share +because I had done best: and that was three fine Friesland stallions +laden with as much merchandise as we could carry off in our haste; and +had we had time to examine the booty and to bring it to a place of +safety, each for his own part would have been rich enough: but we had +to leave more on the spot than we bore off, for we must hurry away with +all speed, taking what we could carry: and for greater safety we betook +ourselves to Rehnen, and there we baited and shared the booty: for +there lay our main body. + +And there I thought again on the priest, whose bacon I had stolen: and +now may the reader think what a misguided, wanton, and overweening +spirit was mine, when it was not enough for me to have robbed and +terrified that pious man, but I must claim honour for it. To that end I +took a sapphire set in a gold ring, which I had picked up on that same +plundering expedition, and sent it from Rehnen to my priest by a sure +hand with this letter: "Reverend Sir,--Had I but in these last days had +aught in the wood to eat and so to live, I had had no cause to steal +your reverence's bacon, in which matter 'tis likely you were terrified. +I swear by all that is holy that such affright was against my will, and +so the more do I hope for forgiveness. As concerning the bacon itself, +'tis but just it should be paid for, and therefore in place of money I +send this present ring, given by those for whose behoof your goods must +needs be taken, and beg your reverence will be pleased to accept the +same: and add thereto that he will always find on all occasions an +obedient and faithful servant in him whom his sacristan took to be no +painter and who is otherwise known as 'The Huntsman.'" + +But to the peasant whose oven they had emptied, the party sent out of +the general booty sixteen rix-dollars: for I had taught them that in +such wise they must bring the country-folk on their side, seeing that +such could often help a party out of great difficulties or betray such +another party and bring all to the gallows. From Rehnen we marched to +Münster and thence to Ham, and so home to Soest to our headquarters, +where I after some days received an answer from his reverence, as +follows: "Noble Huntsman,--If he from whom you stole the bacon had +known that you would appear to him in devilish guise, he had not so +often wished to behold the notorious huntsman. But even as the borrowed +meat and bread have been far too dearly paid for, so also is the fright +inflicted the easier to forgive, especially because 'twas caused +(against his will) by so famous a person, who is hereby forgiven, with +the request that he will once more visit without fear him who fears not +to conjure the devil.--Vale." + +And so did I everywhere, and gained much fame: yea, and the more I +gave away and spent, the more the booty flowed in, and I conceived +that I had laid out that ring well, though 'twas worth some hundred +rix-dollars. And so ends this second book. + + + + + + BOOK III + + + + +_Chap. i._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT TOO FAR TO THE LEFT HAND + + +The gentle reader will have understood by the foregoing book how +ambitious I had become in Soest, and that I had sought and found +honour, fame, and favour in deeds which in others had deserved +punishment. And now will I tell how through my folly I let myself be +further led astray, and so lived in constant danger of life and limb; +for I was so busied to gain honour and fame that I could not sleep by +reason of it, and being full of such fancies, and lying awake many a +night to devise new plots and plans, I had many wondrous conceits. In +this wise I contrived a kind of shoes that a man could put on hind part +before, so that the heel came under his toes: and of these at mine own +cost I caused thirty different pairs to be made, and when I had given +these out to my fellows and with them went on a foray, 'twas clean +impossible to follow our tracks: for now would we wear these, and now +again our right shoes on our feet, and the others in our knapsacks. So +that if a man came to a place where I had bidden them change shoes, +'twas for all the world, by the tracks, as if two parties had met +together there and together had vanished away. But if I kept these new +invented shoes on throughout, it seemed as I had gone thither whence in +truth I had come, or had come from the place to which I now went. And +besides this, my tracks were at all times confused, as in a maze, so +that they who should pursue or seek news of me from the footprints +could never come at me. Often I was close by a party of the enemy who +were minded to seek me far away: and still more often miles away from +some thicket which they had surrounded, and were searching in hopes to +find me. And as I managed with my parties on foot, so did I also when +we were on horseback: for to me 'twas simple enough to dismount at +cross-roads and forked ways and there have the horses' shoes set on +hind part before. But the common tricks that soldiers use, being weak +in numbers, to appear from the tracks to be strong, or being strong to +appear weak, these were for me so common and I held them so cheap that +I care not to tell of them. Moreover, I devised an instrument +wherewith if 'twas calm weather I could by night hear a trumpet blow +three hours' march away, could hear a horse neigh or a dog bark at two +hours' distance, and hear men's talk at three miles; which art I kept +secret, and gained thereby great respect, for it seemed to all +incredible. Yet by day was this instrument, which I commonly kept with +a perspective-glass in my breeches pouch, not so useful, even though +'twas in a quiet and lonely place: for with it one could not choose but +hear every sound made by horses and cattle, yea, the smallest bird in +the air and the frog in the water in all the country round, and all +this could be as plainly heard as if one were in the midst of a market +among men and beasts where all do make such noise that for the crying +of one a man cannot understand another. 'Tis true I know well there are +folk who to this day will not believe this: but believe it or not, 'tis +but the truth. With this instrument I can by night know any man that +talks but so loud as his custom is, by his voice, though he be as far +from me as where with a good perspective-glass one could by day know +him by his clothes. Yet can I blame no one if he believe not what I +here write, for none of those would believe me which saw with their own +eyes how I used the said instrument, and would say to them, "I hear +cavalry, for the horses are shod," or "I hear peasants coming, for the +horses are unshod," or "I hear waggoners, but 'tis only peasants; for I +know them by their talk." "Here come musqueteers, and so many, for I +hear the rattling of their bandoliers." "There is a village near by, +for I hear the cocks crow and the dogs bark." "There goes a herd of +cattle; for I hear sheep bleat and cows low and pigs grunt"; and so +forth. Mine own comrades at first would hold this but for vain +boasting, and when they found that all I said proved true in fact, then +all must be witchcraft, and what I said must have been told to me by +the devil and his dam. And so I believe will the gentle reader also +think. Nevertheless by such means did I often escape the adversary when +he had news of me and came to capture me: and I deem that if I had +published this discovery 'twould since have become common, for it would +be of great service in war and notably in sieges. But I return to my +history. + +If I was not needed for a foray, I would go a-stealing, and then were +neither horses, cows, pigs, nor sheep safe from me that I could find +for miles round: for I had a contrivance to put boots or shoes on the +horses and cattle till I came to a frequented road, where none could +trace them: and then I would shoe the horses hind part before, or if +'twas cows and oxen I put shoes on them which to that end I had caused +to be made, and so brought them to a safe place. And the big fat +swine-gentry, which by reason of laziness care not to travel by night, +these I devised a masterly trick to bring away, however much they might +grunt and refuse. For I made a savoury brew with meal and water and +soaked a sponge in it: this I fastened to a strong cord, and let them +for whom I angled swallow that sponge full of the broth, but kept the +cord in my hand, whereupon without further parley they went contentedly +with me and paid their score with hams and sausages. And all I brought +home I faithfully shared both with the officers and my comrades: and so +I got leave to fare forth again, and when my thefts were spied upon and +betrayed, they helped me finely through. For the rest, I deemed myself +far too good to steal from poor men, or rob hen-roosts and filch such +small deer. And with all this I began by little and little to lead an +epicurish life in regard of eating and drinking: for now I had forgot +my hermit's teaching and had none to guide my youth or to whom I might +look up: for my officers shared with me and caroused with me, and they +that should have warned and chastised me rather enticed me to all +vices. By this means I became so godless and wicked that no villainy +was too great for me to compass. But at last I was secretly envied, +specially by my comrades, as having a luckier hand at thieving than any +other, and also by my officers because I cut such a figure, was lucky +in forays, and made for myself a greater name and reputation than they +themselves had. In a word, I am well assured one party or the other +would have sacrificed me had I not spent so much. + + + + +_Chap. ii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN OF SOEST DID RID HIMSELF OF THE HUNTSMAN +OF WESEL + + +Now as I was living in this fashion, and busied with this, namely, to +have me certain devil-masks made and grisly raiment thereto +appertaining with cloven hoofs, by which means to terrify our foes, and +specially to take their goods from our friends unbeknown (for which the +affair of the bacon-stealing gave me the first hint), I had news that a +fellow was at Wesel, which was a renowned partisan, went clad in green, +and under my name practised divers rapes and robberies here and there +in the land, but chiefly among our supporters, so that well-founded +plaints against me were raised, and I must have paid for it smartly, +had I not clearly shewn that at the very time he played these and other +like tricks in my name I was elsewhere. Now this I would not pardon +him, much less suffer him longer to use my name, to plunder in my shape +and so bring me to shame. So with the knowledge of the commandant at +Soest I sent him an invitation to the open field with swords or +pistols. But as he had no heart to appear, I let it be known I would be +revenged on him, even though it were in the very quarters of the +commandant at Wesel, who had failed to punish him. Yea, I said openly +if I found him on a foray I would treat him as an enemy. And that +determined me to let my masks alone with which I had planned to do +great things, to cut my green livery in pieces, and to burn it publicly +in Soest in front of my quarters, to say nothing of all my clothing and +horse harness, which were worth well over a hundred ducats: yea, and in +my wrath I swore that the next that should call me huntsman must either +kill me or die by my hand, should it cost me my life: nor would I ever +again lead a party (for I was not bound to do so, being no officer) +till I had avenged myself on my counterfeit at Wesel. So I kept myself +to myself and did no more any exploits, save that I did my duty as +sentry wheresoever I might be ordered to go, and that I performed as +any malingerer might, and as sleepily as might well be. And this thing +became known in the neighbourhood, and the advance-parties of the enemy +became so bold and assured at this that they every day would bivouac +close to our pickets: and that at last I could endure no longer. Yet +what plagued me most of all was this: that this huntsman of Wesel went +ever on his old way, giving himself out for me and under that name +getting plunder enough and to spare. + +Meanwhile, while all thought I had laid myself to sleep on a bearskin +and should not soon rise from it, I was inquiring of the ways and works +of my counterfeit at Wesel, and found that he not only imitated me in +name and clothing, but was also used to steal by night whenever he +could find a chance: so I woke up again unexpectedly and laid my plans +accordingly. Now I had by little and little trained my two servants +like watch-dogs, and they were so true to me that each at need would +have run through fire for me, for with me they had good food and drink +and gained plenty of booty. One of these I sent to mine enemy at Wesel, +to pretend that because I, that had been his master, was now begun to +live like any idler and had sworn never again to ride on a raid, he +cared not to stay longer with me, but was come to serve him, since +'twas he that had put on the huntsman's dress in his master's stead, +and carried himself like a proper soldier: and he knew, said he, all +highways and byways in the country, and could lay many a plan for him +to gain good booty. My good simple fool believed it all, and let +himself be persuaded to take the fellow into his service. So on a +certain night he went with him and his comrade to a sheepfold to fetch +away a few fat wethers: but there was I and Jump-i'-th'-field my other +servant already in waiting, and had bribed the shepherd to fasten up +his dogs and to suffer the new-comers to burrow their way into the shed +unhindered; for I would say grace for them over their mutton. So when +they had made a hole through the wall, the huntsman of Wesel would have +it that my servant should slip in first: "But," says he, "No, for there +might well be one on the watch that should deal me one on the head: I +see plainly ye know not how to go a-mousing: one must first explore"; +and therewith drew his sword and hung his hat on the point, and pushing +it through the hole again and again, "So," says he, "We shall find out +if the good man be at home or not." This ended, the huntsman of Wesel +was the first to creep through. And with that Jump-i'-th'-field had him +by the arm which held his sword, and asked, would he cry for quarter? +That his fellow heard and would have run for it: but I, who knew not +which was the huntsman, and was swifter of foot than he, overtook him +in a few paces: so I asked him, "Of what party?" Says he, "Of the +emperor's." I asked, "What regiment? I am of the emperor's side: 'tis a +rogue that denies his master!" He answered, "We are of the dragoons of +Soest, and are come to fetch a couple of sheep: I hope, brother, if ye +be of the emperor's party too, ye will let us pass." I answered, "Who +are ye, then, from Soest?" Says he, "My comrade in the shed is the +huntsman." "Then are ye rogues," said I, "or why do ye plunder +your own quarters? The huntsman of Soest is no such fool as to let +himself be taken in a sheep-fold." "Nay, from Wesel I should have +said," says he: but while we thus disputed together came my servant and +Jump-i'-th'-field to us with my adversary: and, "Lookye," says I, "Is +it thus we come together, thou honourable rascal, thou? Were it not +that I respect the emperor's arms which thou hast undertaken to bear +against the enemy, I would incontinently send a ball through thy head: +till now I have been the huntsman of Soest, and thee I count for a +rogue unless thou take one of these swords here present and measurest +the other with me soldier-fashion." And with that my servant (who, like +Jump-i'-th'-field, had on horrible devil's apparel with goat's horns) +laid a couple of swords at our feet which I had brought from Soest, and +gave the huntsman of Wesel the choice, to take which he would: whereat +the poor huntsman was so dismayed that it fared with him as with me at +Hanau when I spoiled the dance: he and his comrade trembled like wet +dogs, fell on their knees, and begged for pardon. But Jump-i'-th'-field +growled out, as 'twere from the inside of a hollow pot, "Nay, ye must +fight, or I will break the neck of ye." "O honourable sir devil," says +the huntsman, "I came not here to fight: oh, deliver me from this, +master devil, and I will do what thou wilt." So as he talked thus +wildly, my servant put one sword in his hand and gave me the other: yet +he trembled so sore he could not hold it. Now the moon was bright, and +the shepherd and his men could see and hear all from out their hut: so +I called to him to come, that I might have a witness of this bargain: +but when he came, he made as though he saw not the two in devils' +disguise, and said, what cause had I to bicker so long with these two +fellows in his sheepfold: if I had aught to settle with them, I might +do it elsewhere: for our business concerned him not at all: he paid his +"Conterbission" regularly every month, and hoped, therefore, he might +live in peace with his sheep. To the two fellows he said, why did they +so suffer one man to plague them, and did not knock me on the head at +once. "Why," said I, "thou rascal, they would have stolen thy sheep." +"Then let the devil wring their necks for them," says the peasant, and +away he went. With that I would come to the fighting again: but my poor +huntsman could, for sheer terror, no longer keep his feet, so that I +pitied him: yea, he and his comrade uttered such piteous plaints that, +in a word, I forgave and pardoned him all. But Jump-i'-th'-field would +not so be satisfied, but scratched the huntsman so grievously in the +face that he looked as he had been at dinner with the cats, and with +this poor revenge I must be content. So the huntsman vanished from +Wesel, for he was sore shamed: inasmuch as his comrade declared +everywhere, and confirmed it with horrible oaths, that I had in real +truth two devils in the flesh that waited on me; and so was I more +feared, and contrariwise less loved. + + + + +_Chap. iii._: HOW THE GREAT GOD JUPITER WAS CAPTURED AND HOW HE +REVEALED THE COUNSELS OF THE GODS + + +Of that I was soon aware: and therefore did I do away my godless way of +life and give myself over to religion and good living. 'Tis true I +would ride on forays as before, yet now I shewed myself so courteous +and kindly towards friend and foe, that all I had to deal with deemed +it must be a different man from him they had heard of. Nay, more, I +made an end of my superfluous expense, and got together many bright +ducats and jewels which I hid here and there in hollow trees in the +country round Soest; for so the well-known fortune-teller in that town +advised me, and told me likewise I had more enemies in Soest and in +mine own regiment than outside the town and in the enemy's garrisons: +and these, said she, were all plotting against me and my money. And +when 'twas noised in this place or that, that the huntsman was off and +away, presently I was all unexpectedly at the elbow of them that so +flattered themselves, and before one village was rightly certain that I +had done mischief in another, itself found that I was close at hand: +for I was everywhere like a whirlwind, now here now there: so that I +was more talked of than ever, and others gave themselves out to be me. + +Now it happened that I lay with twenty-five musquets not far from +Dorsten and waited for a convoy that should come to the town: and as +was my wont, I stood sentry myself as being near the enemy. To me there +came a man all alone, very well dressed and flourishing a cane he had +in his hand in strange wise: nor could I understand aught he said but +this, "Once for all will I punish the world, that will not render me +divine honours." From that I guessed this might be some mighty prince +that went thus disguised to find out his subjects' ways and works, and +now proposed duly to punish the same, as not having found them to his +liking. So I thought, "If this man be of the opposite party, it means a +good ransom; but if not, thou canst treat him so courteously and so +charm away his heart that he shall be profitable to thee all thy life +long." + +With that I leapt out upon him, presented my gun at him at full-cock, +and says I, "Your worship will please to walk before me into yonder +wood if he will not be treated as an enemy." So he answered very +gravely, "To such treatment my likes are not accustomed": but I pushed +him very politely along and, "Your honour," said I, "will not for once +refuse to bow to the necessities of the times." So when I had brought +him safely to my people in the wood and had set my sentries again, I +asked him who he was: to which he answered very haughtily I need not +ask that, for I knew already he was a great god. I thought he might +perhaps know me, and might be a nobleman of Soest that thus spoke to +rally me; for 'tis the custom to jeer at the people of Soest about +their great idol with the golden apron: but soon I was aware that +instead of a prince I had caught a madman, one that had studied too +much and gone mad over poetry: for when he grew a little more +acquainted with me he told me plainly he was the great god Jupiter +himself. + +Now did I heartily wish I had never made this capture: but since I had +my fool, there I must needs keep him till we should depart: so, as the +time otherwise would have been tedious, I thought I would humour the +fellow and make his gifts of use to me; so I said to him, "Now, +worshipful Jove, how comes it that thy high divinity thus leaves his +heavenly throne and descends to earth? Forgive, O Jupiter, my question, +which thou mightest deem one of curiosity: for we be also akin to the +heavenly gods and nought but wood-spirits, born of fauns and nymphs, to +whom this secret shall ever remain a secret." "I swear to thee by the +Styx," answered Jupiter, "thou shouldst not know a word of the secret +wert thou not so like to my cup-bearer Ganymede, even wert thou Paris's +own son: but for his sake I communicate to thee this, that a great +outcry concerning the sins of the world is come up to me through the +clouds: upon which 'twas decided in the council of all the gods that I +could justly destroy all the world with a flood: but inasmuch as I have +always had a special favour to the human race, and moreover at all +times shew kindness rather than severity, I am now wandering around to +learn for myself the ways and works of men: and though I find all worse +than I expected, yet am I not minded to destroy all men at once and +without distinction, but to punish only those that deserve punishment +and thereafter to bend the remainder to my will." + +I must needs laugh, yet checked myself, and said, "Alas, Jupiter, thy +toil and trouble will be, I fear, all in vain unless thou punish the +world with water, as before, or with fire: for if thou sendest a war, +thither run together all vile and abandoned rogues that do but torment +peaceable and pious men. An thou sendest a famine, 'tis but a godsend +for the usurers, for then is their corn most valuable: and if thou +sendest a pestilence, then the greedy and all the rest of mankind do +find their account, for then do they inherit much. So must thou destroy +the whole world root and branch, if thou wilt punish at all." + + + + +_Chap. iv._: OF THE GERMAN HERO THAT SHALL CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD AND +BRING PEACE TO ALL NATIONS + + +So Jupiter answered, "Thou speakest of the matter like a mere man, as +if thou didst not know that 'tis possible for us gods so to manage +things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved: I +will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of +the sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the +righteous." "Yea," said I, "but such a hero must needs have soldiers, +and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the +innocent suffer as well as the guilty." "Oho;" says Jupiter, "be ye +earthly gods minded like earthly men, that ye can understand so little? +For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and +yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a +body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the +full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding: to this shall Venus +add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus, Adonis, and even my +Ganymede: and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts, +dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by +all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the +hour of his birth. Mercury, too, shall endow him with incomparable +cleverness, and the inconstant moon shall be to him not harmful but +useful, for she shall implant in him an invincible swiftness: Pallas +Athene shall rear him on Parnassus, and Vulcan shall, under the +influence of Mars, forge for him his weapons, and specially a sword +with which he shall conquer the whole world and make an end of all the +godless, without the help of a single man as a soldier: for he shall +need no assistance. Every town shall tremble at his coming, and every +fortress otherwise unconquerable he shall have in his power in the +first quarter of an hour: in a word, he shall have the rule over the +greatest potentates of the world, and so nobly bear sway over earth and +sea that both gods and men shall rejoice thereat." + +"Yea," said I, "but how can the destruction of all the godless and rule +over the whole world be accomplished without specially great power and +a strong arm? O Jupiter, I tell thee plainly I can understand these +things less than any mere mortal man." "At that," says Jupiter, "I +marvel not: for thou knowest not what power my hero's sword will have; +Vulcan shall make it of the same materials of which he doth forge my +thunderbolts, and so direct its virtues that my hero, if he do but draw +it and wave it in the air, can cut off the heads of a whole armada, +though they be hidden behind a mountain or be a whole Swiss mile +distant from him, and so the poor devils shall lie there without heads +before they know what has befallen them. And when he shall begin his +triumphal progress and shall come before a town or a fortress, then +shall he use Tamburlaine's vein, and for a sign that he is there for +peace and for the furthering of all good shall shew a white flag: then +if they come forth to him and are content, 'tis well: if not, then will +he draw his sword, and by its virtue, as before described, will hew off +the heads of all enchanters and sorceresses throughout the town, and +then raise a red flag: then if they be still obstinate, he shall +destroy all murderers, usurers, thieves, rogues, adulterers, whores, +and knaves in the said manner, and then hoist a black flag: whereupon +if those that yet remain in the town refuse to come to him and humbly +submit, then shall he destroy the whole town as a stiff-necked and +disobedient folk: yet shall he only execute them that have hindered the +others, and been the cause that the people would not submit. So shall +he go from country to country, and give each town the country that lies +around it to rule in peace, and from each town in all Germany choose +out two of the wisest and learnedest men to form his parliament, shall +reconcile the towns with each other for ever, shall do away all +villenage, and also all tolls, excises, interest, taxes, and octrois +throughout Germany, and take such order that none shall ever again hear +of forced work, watch-duties, contributions, benevolences, war-taxes, +and other burdens of the people, but that men shall live happier than +in the Elysian fields. And then," says Jupiter, "will I often assemble +all Olympus and come down to visit the Germans, to delight myself among +their vines and fig-trees: and there will I set Helicon on their +borders and establish the Muses anew thereon: Germany will I bless with +all plenty, yea, more than Arabia Felix, Mesopotamia, and the land of +Damascus: then will I forswear the Greek language, and only speak +German; and, in a word, shew myself so good a German that in the end I +shall grant to them, as once I did to the Romans, the rule over all the +earth." + +"But," said I, "great Jupiter, what will princes and lords say to this, +if this future hero so violently take from them their rights and hand +them over to the towns? Will they not resist with force, or at least +protest against it before gods and men?" + +"The hero," answered Jupiter, "will trouble himself little on that +score: he will divide all the great into three classes: them which have +lived wickedly and set an evil example he will punish together with the +commons, for no earthly power can withstand his sword: to the rest he +will give the choice whether to stay in the land or not. They that love +their fatherland and abide must live like the commons, but the German +people's way of living shall then be more plentiful and comfortable +than is now the life and household of a king; yea, they shall be one +and all like Fabricius, that would not share King Pyrrhus his kingdom +because he loved his country and honour and virtue too much: and so +much for the second class. But as to the third, which will still be +lords and rulers, them will he lead through Hungary and Italy into +Moldavia, Wallachia, into Macedonia, Thrace and Greece, yea, over the +Hellespont into Asia, and conquer these lands for them, give them as +helpers all them that live by war in all Germany, and make them all +kings. Then will he take Constantinople in one day, and lay the heads +of all Turks that will not be converted and become obedient before +their feet: then will he again set up the Roman Empire, and so betake +himself again to Germany, and with his lords of Parliament (whom, as I +have said, he shall choose in pairs from every city in Germany, and +name them the chiefs and fathers of his German Fatherland) build a city +in the midst of Germany that shall be far greater than Manoah[21] in +America, and richer than was Jerusalem in Solomon's time, whose walls +shall be as high as the mountains of Tirol and its ditches as broad as +the sea between Spain and Africa. And there will he build a temple +entirely of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires, and in the +treasury that he shall there build will he gather together rarities +from the whole world out of the gifts that the kings in China and in +Persia, the great Mogul in the East Indies, the great Khan of Tartary, +Prester John in Africa, and the great Czar in Muscovy will send to him. +Yea, the Turkish emperor would be yet more ready to serve him if it +were not that my hero will have taken his empire from him and given it +as a fief to the Roman emperor." + +Then I asked my friend Jupiter what in such case would become of the +Christian kings. So he answered, "Those of England, Sweden, and Denmark +(because they are of German race and descent), and those of Spain, +France, and Portugal (because the Germans of old conquered and ruled in +those lands), shall receive their crowns, kingdoms, and incorporated +lands in fee as fiefs of the German nation, and then will there be, as +in Augustus's time, a perpetual peace between all nations." + + + + +_Chap. v._: HOW HE SHALL RECONCILE ALL RELIGIONS AND CAST THEM IN THE +SAME MOULD + + +Now Jump-i'-th'-field, who also listened to us, had wellnigh enraged +Jupiter and spoiled the whole affair; for said he, "Yea, yea; and then +'twill be in Germany as in fairyland, where it rains muscatels and +nought else, and where twopenny pies grow in the night like mushrooms: +and I too shall have to eat with both cheeks full at once like a +thresher, and drink myself blind with Malvoisie." "Yea, truly," said +Jupiter, "and that the more because I will curse thee with the undying +hunger of Erysichthon, for methinks thou art one of them that do deride +my majesty," and to me said he, "I deemed I was among wood-spirits +only: but meseems I have chanced upon a Momus or a Zoilus, the most +envious creatures in the world. Is one to reveal to such traitors the +decrees of heaven and so to cast pearls before swine?" So I saw plainly +he would not willingly brook laughter, and therefore kept down mine own +as best I could, and "Most gracious Jupiter," said I, "thou wilt not, +by reason of a rude forest-god's indiscretion, conceal from thy +Ganymede how things are further to happen in Germany." "No, no," said +he, "but I command this mocker, who is like to Theon, to bridle his +evil tongue in future, lest I turn him to a stone as Mercury did +Battus. But do thou confess to me thou art truly my Ganymede, and that +my jealous Juno hath driven thee from heaven in my absence." So I +promised to tell him all when I should have heard what I desired to +know. Thereupon, "Dear Ganymede," says he, "for deny not that thou art +he--in those days shall gold-making be as common in Germany as is +pot-making now, and every horse-boy shall carry the philosophers' stone +about with him." "Yea," said I, "but how can Germany be so long in +peace with all these different religions? Will not the opposing clergy +urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?" "No, no," says Jupiter, +"my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all +things to unite all Christian religions in the world." "O wonderful," +said I, "that were indeed a great work! How could it come about?" "I +will with all my heart reveal it to thee," answered Jupiter, "for after +my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads +of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving +speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most +pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a +general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such +according to his own great wisdom. Then will he gather together the +most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions +and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two +translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, where one can consider +weighty matters undisturbed, and there provide them all with meat and +drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and +yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside +the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down +in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian +religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition, +the recognised sense of the Fathers. At which time Pluto will sorely +scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom: yea, and will +devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an 'and,' and if not +to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it _sine die_, that +is for ever. So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his +order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and +aught else that might sway his inclinations. But my brave hero also +will not be idle: he will so long as this council shall last have all +the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray +without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the +Spirit of Truth. And if he shall see that one or another doth allow +himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole assembly +with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete +so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the +gallows, or shew them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness, +but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the +business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with +their stiff-necked false doctrines. So when unity is arrived at, then +will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this +purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with +pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him +to Pluto as a New Year's gift. And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all +thou didst desire to know: and now tell me in turn the reason why thou +hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of +nectar." + + + + +_Chap. vi._: HOW THE EMBASSY OF THE FLEAS FARED WITH JUPITER + + +Now methought 'twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he +pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to +escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a passion, for +in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, "The +reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so +took Daedalus's wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I +came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for +Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all +the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have +lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy, +adulterous caperer after woman-kind; how canst thou then, punish the +world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass +Mars's adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting +cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchastity +the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another +with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber; +Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander; +Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole +crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged +nowhere but in Augeas's stable, which even without them stinks in the +nostrils of all the world." + +"Aha;" says Jupiter, "and who would wonder if I laid aside my +graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous +liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and +beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst +like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount +Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in +Phalaris's red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these +plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora's +box anew and empty it upon the rogues' heads: then Nemesis shall wake +the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow +Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves, +and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then +will I bind them fast with Hesiod and Homer to a pillar in hell and +there have them chastised for ever without pity by the Furies." + +Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he +had upon him: for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore. +And as he did so he cried, "Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear +to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire." +So I asked him what he meant by such words. He answered, the nation of +the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their +ambassadors to compliment him: and there had complained to him that, +though he had assigned to them the dogs' coats as a dwelling, yet on +account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went +astray and trespassed on the ladies' furs; and such poor wandering +creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only +murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their +fingers that it might move the heart of a stone. "Yea," said Jupiter +further, "they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously +that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help, +yet on condition I should first hear the women: to that they objected +that if 'twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to oppose +them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either +impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas +themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me +and lead me astray to a wrong judgment. But if I must allow the women +to hunt, catch, and with the hunters' privilege to slay them in their +preserves, then their petition was that they might in future be +executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a pole-axe like +oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed +between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their +own limbs were made instruments of torture." "Gentlemen," said I, "ye +must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye." "Yea, +truly," said they, "they be so envious of us. Is it right? Can they not +suffer us in their territories? for many of them so cleanse their +lap-dogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that +we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings." +Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel +their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly: +and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen, +I must again be rid of them. I will give them a privilege, but only +this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as much as they +will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him +no better. + + + + +_Chap. vii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN AGAIN SECURED HONOUR AND BOOTY + + +Now might we not laugh as heartily as we would, both because we +must keep quiet and because this good fool liked it not: wherefore +Jump-i'-th'-field came nigh to burst. And just then our look-out man +that we had posted in a tree called to us that he saw somewhat +coming afar off. So I climbed the tree myself, and saw through my +perspective-glass it must be the carriers for whom we lay in wait: they +had no one on foot, but some thirty odd troopers for escort, and so I +might easily judge they would not go through the wood wherein we lay, +but would do their best to keep the open, and there we should have no +advantage over them, though there was even there an awkward piece of +road that led through the clearing some six hundred paces from us, and +three hundred paces from the end of the wood or hill. Now it vexed me +to have lain there so long for nought, or at best to have captured only +a fool; and so I quickly laid me another plan and that turned out well. +For from our place of ambush there ran a brook in a cleft of the +ground, which it was easy to ride along, down to the level country: the +mouth of this I occupied with twenty men, took my post with them, and +bade Jump-i'-th'-field stay in the place where we had been posted to +advantage, and ordered each one of my fellows, when the escort should +come, that each should aim at his man, and commanded also that some +should shoot and some should hold their fire for a reserve. Some old +veterans perceived what I intended and how I guessed that the escort +would come that way, as having no cause for caution, and because +certainly no peasant had been in such a place for a hundred years. But +others that believed I could bewitch (for at that time I was in great +reputation on that account) thought I would conjure the enemy into our +hands. Yet here I needed no devil's arts, only my Jump-i'-th'-field; +for even as the escort, riding pretty close together, was just about to +pass by us, he began at my order to bellow most horribly like an ox, +and to neigh like a horse; till the whole wood echoed therewith and any +man would have sworn there were horses and cattle there. So when the +escort heard that they thought to gain booty and to snap up somewhat, +which yet was hard to find in such a country so laid waste. So +altogether they rode so hard and disorderly into our ambush as if each +would be the first to get the hardest blow, and this made them ride so +close that in the first salute we gave them thirteen saddles were +emptied, and some that fell were crushed under the horses' hoofs. Then +came Jump-i'-th'-field leaping down the ravine and crying, "Huntsman +here!" At this the fellows were yet more terrified and so dismayed that +they would ride neither backward, forward nor sideways, but leapt down +and tried to escape on foot. Yet I had them all seventeen prisoners +with the lieutenant that had commanded them, and then attacked the +waggons, where I unharnessed four-and-twenty horses, and yet got only a +few bales of silk and holland: for I dared not spare the time to +plunder the dead, far less to search the waggons well, for the +waggoners were up and away on the horses as soon as the action began, +and so might I be betrayed at Dorsten, and caught again on the way +back. So when we had packed up our plunder comes Jupiter from the wood +and cried to us, "Would his Ganymede desert him?" I answered him, yes, +if he would not grant the fleas the privilege they demanded. "Sooner," +says he, "would I see them all lying in hell-fires." At that I must +needs laugh, and because in any case I had horses to spare I had him +set on one: yet as he could ride no better than a tailor, I must have +him bound upon his horse: and then he told us our skirmish had reminded +him of that of the Lapithae and the centaurs at Pirithous' wedding. So +when all was over and we galloping away with our prisoners as if we +were pursued, the lieutenant we had captured began to consider what a +fault he had committed, as having delivered so bold a troop of riders +into the hand of the enemy and given over thirteen brave fellows to be +butchered, and so, being desperate, he refused the quarter I had given +him, and would fain have compelled me to have him shot; for he thought +that not only would this mistake turn to his great shame, and he be +answerable, but also would hinder his advancement, even if it came not +to this, that he must pay for his error with his head. So I talked with +him and shewed him that with many a good soldier inconstant fortune had +played her tricks; yet had I never seen any one that therefore had been +driven desperate, and that so to act were a sign of faintheartedness: +for brave soldiers were ever devising how to make up for losses +sustained; nor should he ever bring me to break my plighted word or to +commit so shameful a deed against all righteousness and against the +custom and tradition of honourable soldiers. When he saw I would not do +it he began to revile me in the hope to move me to anger, and said I +had not fought with him honestly and openly, but like a rogue and a +footpad, and had stolen the lives of his soldiers like a thief: and at +this his own fellows that we had captured were mightily afraid, and +mine so wroth that they would have riddled him like a sieve if I had +allowed it; and I had enough to do to prevent it. Yet I was in no wise +moved at his talk, but called both friend and foe to witness of what +happened, and had him bound and guarded as a madman, but promised him +so soon as we came to our camp, and if my officers permitted, to equip +him with mine own horses and weapons, of which he should have the +choice, and prove to him in open field, with sword and pistol, that +'twas allowed in war to use craft against the adversary: and asked him +why he had not stayed with the waggons, which he was ordered to do; or, +if he must needs see what was in the wood, why he had not made a proper +reconnaissance, which had been better for him than now to begin to play +fool's tricks to which no one would take heed. Herein both friend and +foe approved me right, and said that among a hundred partisans they had +never met one that would not for such words of reviling have not only +shot the lieutenant dead, but would have sent all the prisoners to the +grave after him. + +So next morning I brought my prisoners and plunder safely to Soest, and +gained more honour and fame from this foray than ever before: for each +one said, "This will prove another young John de Werth[22]"; which +tickled me greatly. Yet would not the commandant permit me to exchange +shots or to fight with the lieutenant: for he said I had twice overcome +him. And the more my triumphs thus increased the more grew the envy of +those that in any case would have grudged me my luck. + + + + +_Chap. viii._: HOW HE FOUND THE DEVIL IN THE TROUGH, AND HOW +JUMP-I'-TH'-FIELD GOT FINE HORSES + + +Now I could by no means be rid of my Jupiter: for the commandant would +have none of him, as a pigeon not worth the plucking, but said he made +me a free gift of him. So now I had a fool of mine own and needed to +buy none, though a year before I must needs allow others to treat me as +such. So wondrous is fortune and so changeable the times! Even now had +the lice troubled me, and now had I the very god of fleas in my power; +half a year before was I serving a miserable dragoon as page, and now I +had command of two servants that called me master; and so I reflected +at times that nothing is so certain in this world as its uncertainty. +And so must I fear if ever Fortune should let loose her hornets upon me +it would altogether overwhelm my present happiness. + +Now just then Count von der Wahl, as colonel in command of the +Westphalian circle, was collecting troops from all the garrisons to +make a cavalry expedition through the bishopric of Münster towards the +Vecht, Meppen, Lingen and such places, but specially to drive off two +companies of Hessian troopers in the bishopric of Paderborn that lay +two miles from the city and had there done our people much damage. So +was I ordered out with our dragoons, and when a few troops had been +collected at Ham we beat up the quarters of the said troopers, which +were but an ill-protected village, till the rest of our people came. +They tried to escape, but we drove them back into their nest, and +offered them to let them go without horse or weapons but with the +clothes on their backs; to this they would not agree, but would defend +themselves with their carbines like musqueteers. So it came to that, +that in the same night I must try what luck I had in storming, for the +dragoons led the way; and my luck was so good that I, together with +Jump-i'-th'-field, was among the first to come into the town, and that +without hurt, and we soon cleared the streets; for all that bore arms +were cut down, and the citizens had no stomach for fighting; so we +entered the houses. Then said Jump-i'-th'-field, we should choose a +house before which a big heap of dung stood, for in such the rich +curmudgeons were wont to dwell, with whom commonly officers were +billeted: on such a one we seized, and there Jump-i'-th'-field would +first visit the stable and I the house, on the condition each should +share with the other whatever he could lay hands on. So then each lit +his torch, and I called to the master of the house but had no answer, +for all had hid themselves, but came upon a room wherein was nought but +an empty bed and a covered kneading-trough. This I knocked open in +hopes to find somewhat valuable, but as I raised the cover a coal-black +thing rose up against me which I took for Lucifer himself. Nay, I can +swear I was never in my life so terrified as I was then, when I so +unawares beheld this black devil. "May all the powers of hell take +thee," I cried in my fear, and raised my hatchet wherewith I had broke +open the trough, yet had not the heart to split the creature's skull: +so down he knelt, raised his hands to me, and says he, "O massa, I beg +by de good God, gib me my life." With that I first knew 'twas no devil, +for he spake of God and begged for his life; so I bade him get out of +his trough: and that he did as naked as God made him. Then I cut a +piece of my torch off for him to light me, the which he did obediently, +and brought me to a little room wherein I found the master of the +house, who, together with his people, was looking on at this merry +sight, and begged with trembling for mercy. And that he easily came by, +for in any case we might not harm the burghers, and besides he handed +me over the baggage of the Hessian captain, among which was a fairly +well-furnished, locked portmanteau, telling me the said captain and all +his people, save one servant and the negro now present, were gone to +their posts to defend themselves. Meanwhile Jump-i'-th'-field had made +prize of the said servant and six fine saddle-horses in the stable: +these we brought into the house, barred the doors, and bade the negro +to put on his clothes; and told the burgher what story he should tell +to his captain. But when the gate was opened and the posts occupied, +and our general of ordnance, Count von der Wahl, was admitted, he +lodged his staff in the very house where we were. So in dark night +we must needs seek other quarters; and these we found with our +comrades who had come in with the storming-parties: with them we made +merry and spent the rest of the night in eating and drinking, when +Jump-i'-th'-field and I had divided our booty. For my share I received +the negro and the two best horses, of which one was a Spanish one, on +which any soldier might meet his enemy, and with this thereafter I made +no small show; but out of the portmanteau I got divers costly rings, +and in a golden case set with rubies the Prince of Orange's portrait +(for all the rest I left to Jump-i'-th'-field), so that the whole, if I +had desired to give it away, would with the horses have stood me in 200 +ducats: since for the negro, that was the poorest part of my booty, the +Master-General of Ordnance to whom I presented him gave me two dozen +thalers. + +Thence we marched quickly to the Ems, yet accomplished but little: and +as it happened that we came near Recklinghausen, I took leave, together +with Jump-i'-th'-field, to speak with my pastor from whom I had stolen +the bacon. With him I made merry and told him the negro had made me +feel the same terror which he and his cook had felt, and presented him, +moreover, with a fine striking watch for a friendly remembrance, which +I had had out of the captain's portmanteau: and so did I take care to +make friends in all places of them that would otherwise have had cause +to hate me. + + + + +_Chap. ix._: OF AN UNEQUAL COMBAT IN WHICH THE WEAKEST WINS THE DAY AND +THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED + + +But with my good fortune my pride so increased that in the end it could +bring me nothing but a fall. For as we were encamped some half-hour +from Rehnen, I had leave to go into the town with my dear comrade, +there to have those arms furbished up which we had just received. And +as it was our intent to be right merry with each other, we turned in to +the best inn, and had minstrels sent for, to play our wine and beer +down our throat. So we fell to drinking and roaring; and no sport was +wanting, which could make the money fly: nay, I invited also lads from +other regiments to be my guests, and so carried myself as a young +prince who has command of land and folk and great sums to spend by the +year. And thus we fared better than was pleasing to a company of +troopers who sat there also at table, but with no such mad tricks as +we. So, being angry, they began to jest upon us, "How comes it," said +they to one another, "that these prop-hoppers[23]" (for they took us +for musqueteers, seeing that no animal in the world is more like a +musqueteer than is a dragoon, and if a dragoon fall from his horse he +rises up a musqueteer) "can make such a show with their halfpence?" +"Yonder lad," answered another, "is surely some straw-squire whose +mother hath sent him the milk-pence, and those he now spends upon his +comrades, that some time they may pull him out of the mud or through a +ditch." With which words they aimed at me, for they took me for a young +nobleman. Of such talk the maid that waited brought me private news: +yet since I heard it not myself, I could do no more than fill a great +beer-glass with wine and let it go round to the health of all good +musqueteers, and at every round made such a hubbub that none could hear +himself speak. And this vexed them yet more, so that they said aloud, +"What in the devil's name have these prop-hoppers for an easy life of +it!" Whereupon Jump-i'-th'-field answered, "And what matters that to +the bootblacks?" This passed well enough; for he looked so big and held +so fierce and threatening a carriage that no one cared to give him the +rub. Yet he must again fall foul of them, and this time of a fellow of +some consideration, who answered, "Ay, and if these loiterers could not +so swagger here on their own dung-hill (for he thought we lay there in +garrison, because our clothes seemed not so weather-beaten as those of +the poor musqueteers who must lie day and night in open field), where +could they show themselves? Who knows not that any of them in the +battlefield is as surely the booty of the troopers as is the pigeon of +the hawk?" But I answered him, "It is our business to take cities +and fortresses, whereas ye troopers, if ye come but to the poorest +rat's-nest of a town, can there drive no dog out of his den. Why may we +not then have your good leave to make merry in that which is more ours +than yours?" The trooper answered, "Him who is master in the field the +fortresses must follow after: and that we troopers are masters in the +field is proved by this: that I for myself not only fear not three such +babes as thee, musquet and all, but could stick a couple such in my +hat-band, and then ask the third where there were more to be found. And +if I now sat by thee," said he with scorn, "I would bestow on my young +squire a couple of buffets to prove the truth of this." + +"Yea," said I, "and though I have as good a pair of pistols as thou, +notwithstanding I am no trooper, but only a bastard between such and +the musqueteers, yet, look you, even a child hath heart enough to shew +himself alone in open field against such a bully on horseback as thou +art, and against all thine armoury." + +"Aha; thou swaggerer," said the fellow, "I hold thee for a rascal if +thou make not good thy words forthwith as becomes an honourable +nobleman." + +So I threw him my glove and, "See then," said I, "if I get this not +from thee in fair field with my musquet only and on foot, so hast thou +right and good leave to hold and to reproach me for such a one as thy +presumption has even now named me." + +Then we paid the reckoning and the trooper made ready his carbine and +pistols, and I my musquet: and as he rode away with his comrades to the +place agreed upon he told my comrade Jump-i'-th'-field he might order +my grave. So he answered him he had better give it in charge to one of +his own fellows that he might order such for him. Yet thereafter he +rebuked me for my presumption, and said plainly he feared I should now +play my last tune. But I did but laugh, for I had long since devised a +plan how to encounter the best mounted of troopers, if ever such an one +should attack me in the open field, though armed only with my musquet +and on foot. So when we came to the place where this beggar's dance +should be, I had my musquet already loaded with two balls, and put in +fresh priming and smeared the cover of the pan with tallow as careful +musqueteers be wont to do, to guard the touch-hole and powder in the +pan from damp in rainy weather. + +Before we engaged, our comrades on both sides agreed that we should +fight in open field, and to that end that we should start, one from the +East, the other from the West, in a fenced plot; and thereafter each +should do his best against the other as a soldier would do in face of +the enemy; and that no one should help either party before or during or +after the fight, either to succour his comrade, or to avenge his death +or hurt. So when they had thus engaged themselves with word and hand, I +and my opposite gave each other our hand upon this, that each would +forgive the other his death. In all which most unreasonable folly that +ever a man of sense could entertain, each hoped to gain for his arm of +the service the advantage, for all the world as if the entire honour +and reputation of one or the other, depended upon the outcome of our +devilish undertaking. + +Now as I entered the stricken field at my appointed end with my match +alight at both ends, and saw my adversary before my eyes, I made as if +I shook out the old priming as I walked. Yet I did not so, but spread +priming powder only on the cover of the pan, blew up my match, and +passed my two fingers over the pan, as is the custom, and before I +could see the white of the eyes of my opposite, who kept me well in +sight, I took aim, and set fire to the false priming powder on the +cover of the pan. Then the enemy, believing that my musquet had missed +fire and that the touch-hole was stopped, rode straight down upon me +pistol in hand, and all too anxious to pay me there and then for my +presumption, but before he was aware I had the pan open and shut again, +and gave him such a welcome that ball and fall came together. + +Then I returned to my fellows, who received me with embraces; but his +comrades, freeing his foot from the stirrup, dealt with him and +with us as honest fellows, for they returned me my glove with all +praise. But even when I deemed my reputation to be at its height, came +five-and-twenty musqueteers from Rehnen, who laid me and my comrades by +the heels. Then presently I was clapped in chains and sent to +headquarters, for all duels were forbidden on pain of death. + + + + +_Chap. x._: HOW THE MASTER-GENERAL OF ORDNANCE GRANTED THE HUNTSMAN HIS +LIFE AND HELD OUT HOPES TO HIM OF GREAT THINGS + + +Now as our General of Ordnance was wont to keep strict discipline, I +looked to lose my head: yet had I hopes to escape, because I had at so +early an age ever carried myself well against the enemy, and gained +great name and fame for courage. Yet was this hope uncertain because, +by reason of such things happening daily, 'twas necessary to make an +example. Our men had but just beat up a dangerous nest of rats, and +demanded a surrender, yet had received a denial; for the enemy knew we +had no heavy artillery. For that reason Count von der Wahl appeared +with all our force before the said place, demanded a surrender once +more by a trumpeter, and threatened to storm the town. Yet all he got +thereby was the writing that here followeth: + + +"High and well-born Count, &c.,--From your Excellency's letter to me I +understand what you suggest to me in the name of his Imperial Roman +Majesty. Now your Excellency, with his great understanding, must be +well aware how improper, nay unjustifiable, it were for a soldier to +surrender a place like this to the adversary without especial +necessity. For which reason your Excellency will not, I hope, blame me +if I wait till his means of attack are sufficient. But if your +Excellency have occasion to employ my small powers in any services but +those touching my allegiance, I shall ever be, + + "Your Excellency's most obedient servant, + + "N. N." + + +Thereupon was much discussion in our camp about this place; for to +leave it alone was not to be thought on: to storm it without a breach +would have cost much blood, and 'twould have been uncertain even then +whether we should succeed or not: and if we had to fetch our heavy +pieces and all their equipment from Münster and Ham, 'twould cost much +time, trouble, and expense. So while great and small were hard at work +a-reasoning, it came into my head that I should use this opportunity to +get free: so I set all my wits to work, and reflected how one might +cheat the enemy, seeing 'twas only the cannon that were wanted. And +pretty soon I had devised a trick and let my lieutenant-colonel know I +had plans by which the place could be secured without trouble and +expense, if only I could be pardoned and set free. Yet some old and +tried soldiers laughed and said, "Drowning men catch at straws; and +this good fellow thinks to talk himself out of gaol." + +But the lieutenant-colonel himself, with others that knew me, listened +to my words as to an article of belief; wherefore he went himself to +the Master-General of the Ordnance and laid before him my plan, with +the recital, moreover, of many things that he could tell of me: and +inasmuch as the Count had already heard of the Huntsman, he had me +brought before him and for so long loosed from my bonds. He was set at +table when I came, and my lieutenant-colonel told him how the spring +before, having stood my first hour as sentry under St. James's Gate at +Soest, a heavy rain with thunder and wind had suddenly come on, and +when, each running from the fields and the gardens into the town, there +was great press of foot and horse, I had had the wit to call out the +guard, because in such a tumult a town was easiest to take. "At last," +said the lieutenant-colonel further, "came an old woman dripping wet, +and said even as she passed by the huntsman, 'Yea, I have felt this +storm in my back for a fortnight.' So the huntsman, hearing this and +having a rod in his hand, smote her with it over the shoulder, and says +he, 'Thou old witch, couldst thou not let it loose before; must thou +wait till I stood sentry?' And when his officer rebuked him he +answered, 'She is rightly served: the old carrion crow had heard a +month ago how all were crying out for rain: why did she not let honest +folk have it before? It had been better for the barley and hops.'" + +At this the general, though he was in general a stern man, laughed +heartily; but I thought, "If the colonel tell him of such fools' +tricks, surely he will not have failed to speak of my other devices." +So I was brought in, and when the general asked what was my plan I +answered, "Gracious sir, although my fault and your Excellency's order +and prohibition do both deny me my life, yet my most humble loyalty, +which is due from me towards his Imperial Majesty, my most gracious +Lord, even to the death, bids me so far as lies in my weak power yet do +the enemy a damage, and further the interests and arms of his Majesty." +So the general cut me short, and says he, "Didst thou not lately give +me the negro?" "Yea, gracious sir," said I. Then said he, "Well, thy +zeal and loyalty might perhaps serve to spare thy life: but what plan +hast thou to bring the enemy out of this place without great loss in +time and men?" So I answered, "Since the town cannot resist heavy +artillery, my humble opinion is that the enemy would soon come to terms +if he did but really believe we had such pieces." "That," said the +general, "a fool could have told me; but who will persuade them so to +believe?" Then I answered, "Thine own eyes; I have examined their +Mainguard with a perspective-glass, and it can be easily deceived; if +we did but set a few baulks of timber, shaped like water-pipes, on +waggons, and haul them into the field with many horses, they will +certainly believe they are heavy pieces, specially if your Excellency +will order works to be thrown up about the field as if to plant cannon +there." "My dear little friend," answered the Count, "they be not +children in the town: they will not believe this pantomime, but will +require to hear thy guns; and if the trick fail," says he to the +officers that stood around, "we shall be mocked of all the world." But +I answered, "Gracious sir, an I can but have a pair of double musquets +and a pretty large cask, I will make them to hear great guns: only +beyond the sound there can be no further effect: but if against all +expectation naught but mockery ensue, then shall I, the inventor, that +must in any case die, take with me that mockery and purge it away with +my life." + +Yet the general liked it not, but my colonel persuaded him to it; for +he said I was in such cases so lucky that he doubted not this trick +would succeed: so the Count ordered him to settle the matter as he +thought it could best be done, and said to him in jest that the honour +he should gain thereby should be reckoned to him alone. + +So three such baulks were brought to hand, and before each were +harnessed four-and-twenty horses, though two had been sufficient: and +these towards evening we brought up in full sight of the foe: and +meanwhile I had gotten me three double musquets and a great cask from a +mansion near at hand, and set all in order as I would have it: and by +night this was added to our fool's artillery. The double musquets I +charged twice over and had them discharged through the said cask, of +which the bottom had been knocked out, as if it was three trial shots +being fired. Which sounded so thunderously that any man had sworn they +were great serpents or demi-culverins. Our general must needs laugh at +such trickery, and again offered the enemy terms, with the addition +that if they did not agree that same evening it would not go so easily +with them the next day. Thereupon hostages were exchanged and terms +arranged, and the same night one gate of the town put into our hands, +and this was well indeed for me: for the Count not only granted me my +life that by his order I had forfeited, but set me free the same night +and commanded the lieutenant-colonel in my presence to appoint me to +the first ensigncy that should fall vacant: which was not to his taste +(for he had cousins and kinsmen many in waiting) that I should be +promoted before them. + + + + +_Chap. xi._: CONTAINS ALL MANNER OF MATTERS OF LITTLE IMPORT AND GREAT +IMAGINATION + + +On this expedition nothing more of note happened to me: but when I came +again to Soest I found the Hessians from Lippstadt had captured my +servant that I had left to guard my baggage, together with one horse +that was at pasture. From my servant the enemy learned of my ways and +works, and therefore held me higher than before, as having been +persuaded by common report I was but a sorcerer. He told them, +moreover, he had been one of the devils that had so dismayed the +Huntsman of Wesel in the sheep-fold: which when the said huntsman heard +of, he was so shamed that he took to his heels again and fled from +Lippstadt to the Hollanders. But it was my greatest good fortune that +this servant of mine was taken, as will be seen in the sequel. + +Now I began to behave myself somewhat more reputably than before, as +having such fine hopes of presently being made ensign: so by degrees I +joined company with officers and young noblemen that were eager for +that office which I imagined I should soon get: for this reason these +were my worst enemies, and yet gave themselves out to be my best +friends: even the lieutenant-colonel was no longer so good to me; for +he had orders to promote me before his own kindred. My captain was my +enemy because I made a better show in horses, clothing, and arms than +he, and no longer spent so much on the old miser as before. He had +rather have seen my head hewn off than an ensigncy promised me: for he +had thought to inherit my fine horses. In like manner my lieutenant +hated me for a single word that I had lately without thought let slip: +which came about thus: we two were on the last expedition ordered to a +lonely post as vedettes: and as the turn to watch fell to me (which +must be done lying down, besides that it was a pitch-dark night), the +lieutenant comes to me creeping on his belly like a snake, and says he, +"Sentry, dost thou mark aught?" So I answered, "Yea, Herr Lieutenant." +And "What? what?" says he. I answered, "I mark that your honour is +afeared." And from thenceforward I had no more favour with him. +Wherever the danger was greatest thither was I sent first of all; yea, +he sought in all places and at all times to dust my jacket before I +became ensign, and so could not defend myself. Nor were the sergeants +less my enemies, because I was preferred to them all. And as to the +privates, they too began to fail in their love and friendship to me, +because it seemed I despised them, inasmuch as I no longer consorted +specially with them but, as aforesaid, with greater Jacks, which loved +me none the more. + +But the worst was that no man told me how each was minded towards me, +and so I could not perceive it, for many a one talked with me in +friendliest wise that had sooner seen me dead. So I lived like a blind +man in all security and became ever haughtier: and though I knew it +vexed this one and that if I made a greater show than noblemen and +officers of rank, yet I held not back. I feared not to wear a collar of +sixty rix-dollars, red-scarlet hose, and white satin sleeves, trimmed +all over with gold, which was at that time the dress of the highest +officers: and therefore an eyesore to all. Yet was I a terrible +young fool so to play the lord: for had I dealt otherwise and bestowed +the money I so uselessly did hang upon my body in proper ways, I +should have soon gained my ensigncy and also not have made so many +enemies. Yet I stopped not here, but decked out my best horse, which +Jump-i'-th'-field had gotten from the Hessian captain, with saddle, +bridle, and arms in such fashion that when I was mounted one might well +have taken me for another St. George. And nothing grieved me more than +to know I was no nobleman, and so could not clothe my servant and my +horse-boys in my livery. Yet, I thought, all things have their +beginning; if thou hast a coat-of-arms then canst thou have thine own +livery; and when thou art an ensign, thou must have a signet-ring, +though thou art no nobleman. I was not long pregnant with these +thoughts, but had a coat-of-arms devised for me by a herald, which was +three red masks in a white field, and for a crest, a bust of a young +jester in a calfskin with a pair of hare's ears, adorned with little +balls in front: for I thought this suited best with my name, being +called Simplicissimus. And so would I have the fool to remind me in my +future high estate what manner of fellow I had been in Hanau, lest I +should become too proud, for already I thought no small things of +myself. And so was I properly the first of my name and race and +escutcheon, and if any had jeered at me thereupon, I had without doubt +presented him a sword or a pair of pistols. And though I had yet no +thoughts of womenkind, yet all the same I went with the young nobles +when they visited young ladies, of whom there were many in the town, to +let myself be seen and to make a show with my fine hair, clothes, and +plumes. I must confess that for the sake of my figure I was preferred +before all, yet must I all the same hear how the spoilt baggages +compared me with a fair and well-cut statue in which, beside its +beauty, was neither strength nor sap; for that was all they desired in +me: and except the lute-playing there was nothing I could do or perform +to please them: for of love as yet I knew nothing. But when they that +knew how to pay their court would gibe at me for my wooden behaviour +and awkwardness, to make themselves more beloved and to show off their +ready speech, then would I answer, 'twas enough for me if I could still +find my pleasure in a bright sword or a good musquet, and the ladies +held me right: and this angered the gentlemen so that they secretly +swore to have my life, though there was none that had heart enough to +challenge me or give me cause enough to challenge one of them, for +which a couple of buffets or any insulting word had been sufficient; +and I gave every chance for this by my loose talk, from which the +ladies argued I must be a lad of mettle, and said openly my figure and +my noble heart could plead better with any lady than all the +compliments that Cupid ever devised: and that made the rest angrier +than ever. + + + + +_Chap. xii._: HOW FORTUNE UNEXPECTEDLY BESTOWED ON THE HUNTSMAN A NOBLE +PRESENT + + +I had two fine horses that were at that time all the joy I had in the +world. Every day I rode them in the riding-school or else for +amusement, if I had naught else to do; not indeed that the horses had +anything to learn, but I did it that people might see that the fine +creatures belonged to me. And when I went pranking down a street, or +rather the horse prancing under me, and the stupid multitude looking on +and saying, "Look, 'tis the huntsman! See what a fine horse! Ah, what a +handsome plume!" or "Zounds! what a fine fellow is this!" I pricked up +mine ears and was as pleased as if the Queen of Sheba had likened me to +Solomon in all his glory. Yet, fool that I was, I heard not what +perhaps at that time wise folk thought of me or mine enviers said of +me: these last doubtless wished I might break my neck, since they could +not do it for me: and others assuredly thought that if all men had +their own I could not practise such foolish swaggering. In a word, the +wisest must have held me without doubt for a young Colin Clout, whose +pride would certainly not last long, because it stood upon a bad +foundation and must be supported only by uncertain plunder. And if I +must confess the truth, I must grant that these last judged not amiss, +though then I understood it not, for 'twas this and only this with me: +that I would have made his shirt warm for any man or adversary that had +to deal with me, so that I might well have passed for a simple, good +soldier though I was but a child. But 'twas this cause made me so great +a man, that nowadays the veriest horse-boy can shoot the greatest hero +in the world; and had not gunpowder been invented I must have put my +pride in my pocket. + +Now 'twas my custom in these rides to examine all ways and paths, all +ditches, marshes, thickets, hills and streams, make myself acquainted +with them and fix them in my memory, so that if one ever had occasion +to skirmish with the enemy I might employ the advantage of the place +both for defence and offence. To this end I rode once not far from the +town by an old ruin where formerly a house had stood. At the first +sight I thought this were a fit place to lay an ambush or to retreat +to, specially for us dragoons if we should be outnumbered and chased by +cavalry. So I rode into the courtyard, whose walls were pretty well +ruined, to see if at a pinch one could take refuge there on horseback +and how one could defend it on foot. But when to this end I would view +all exactly and sought to ride by the cellar, the walls of which were +still standing, I could neither with kindness nor force bring my horse, +which commonly feared nought, to go where I would. I spurred him till I +was vexed, but it availed not: so I dismounted and led him by the +bridle down the ruined steps which he had shied at, so that I should +know how to act another time: but he backed as much as he could; yet at +length with gentle words and strokings I had him down, and while I +patted and caressed him I found that he was sweating with fear, and +ever staring into one corner of the cellar, into which he would by no +means go, and in which I could see naught at which the most skittish +beast could shy. But as I stood there full of wonder and looked upon my +horse all a-tremble with fear, there came on me also such a terror that +'twas even as if I was dragged upwards by the hair and a bucket of cold +water poured down my back; yet could I see nothing; but the horse acted +more and more strangely, till I could fancy nothing else but that I was +perhaps bewitched, horse and all, and should come by my end in that +same cellar. So I would fain go back, but the horse would not follow, +and thereat I grew more dismayed and so confused that in truth I knew +not what I did. At last I took a pistol in my hand, and tied the horse +to a strong elder-tree that grew in the cellar, intending to go forth +and find people near by that could help to fetch the horse out; but as +I was about this it came into my head that perchance some treasure lay +hid in this old ruin, which was therefore haunted. To this conceit I +gave heed, and looked round more exactly. And just in the place to +which my horse refused to go I was ware of a part of the wall, unlike +the rest both in colour and masonry, and about the bigness of a common +chamber-shutter. But when I would approach 'twas with me as before, +namely, that my hair stood on end; and this strengthened my belief that +a treasure must there be hid. + +Ten times, nay a hundred times, sooner would I have exchanged shots +with an enemy than have found myself in such a terror. I was plagued +and knew not by what: for I heard and saw naught. So I took the other +pistol from the holster as meaning with it to go off and leave the +horse, yet could I not again mount the steps, for as it seemed to me a +strong draught of wind kept me back; and now I felt my flesh creep +indeed. At last it came into my mind to fire the pistols that the +peasants that worked in the fields close by might run to the spot and +help me with word and deed. And this I did because I neither knew nor +could think of any other means to escape from this evil place of +wonders: and I was so enraged, or rather so desperate (for I knew not +myself how 'twas with me), that as I fired I aimed my pistols at the +very place wherein I believed the cause of my plight lay, and with both +balls I hit the before-mentioned piece of the wall so hard that they +made a hole wherein a man could set both his fists. Now no sooner had I +fired than my horse neighed and pricked up his ears, which heartily +rejoiced me: I knew not whether 'twas because the goblin or spectre +had vanished or because the poor beast was roused by the noise of +fire-arms, but 'tis certain I plucked up heart again and went without +hindrance or fear to the hole, which I had just opened by the shot; and +there I began to break down the wall completely, and found of silver, +gold, and jewels so rich a treasure as would have kept me in comfort to +this day, if I had but known how to keep it and dispose of it well. +There were six dozen old French silver table-tankards, a great gold +cup, some double tankards, four silver and one golden salt-cellar, one +old French golden chain, and divers diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and +sapphires set in rings and in other jewellery; also a whole casquet +full of pearls, but all spoiled or discoloured, and then in a mouldy +leather bag eighty of the oldest Joachim dollars of fine silver, +likewise 893 gold pieces with the French arms and an eagle, a coin +which none could recognise, because, as folks said, no one could read +the inscription. This money, with the rings and jewels, I strapped into +my breeches-pockets, my boots and my holsters, and because I had no bag +with me, since I had but ridden forth for pleasure, I cut the housing +from my saddle, and into it I packed the silver vessels (for 'twas +lined, and would serve me well as a sack), hung the golden chain round +my neck, mounted my horse joyfully, and rode towards my quarters. But +as I came out of the courtyard I was aware of two peasants, that would +have run as soon as they saw me: yet having six feet and level country +I easily overtook them, and asked why they would have fled and were so +terribly afeared. So they said they had thought I was the ghost that +dwelt in that deserted court, and if any came too near to him was wont +to mishandle them miserably. Then as I asked further of his ways, they +told me that for fear of this monster 'twas often many years that no +one came near that place, save some stranger that had lost his way and +came thither by chance. The story went, they said, that an iron trough +full of money lay within guarded by a black dog, and also a maiden that +had a curse upon her; and to follow the old story they had themselves +heard from their grandsires, there should come into the land a stranger +nobleman that knew neither his father nor mother, and should rescue the +maiden, and open the trough with a key of fire, and carry off the +hidden gold. And of such foolish fables they told me many more; but +because they are but ill to hear, I here cut them short for briefness. +Thereafter I did ask them what they too had been about, since at other +times they dared not go into the ruin. They answered they had heard a +shot and a loud cry; and had run up to see what was to do. But when I +told them 'twas I that shot in the hope that people would come into the +ruin, because I too was pretty much afeared, but knew nought of any +cry, they answered, "There might be shots enough heard in that castle +before any of our neighbourhood would come thither; for in truth 'tis +so ghostly beset that we had not believed my lord if he had said he had +been therein, an we had not ourselves seen him ride out thence." So +then they would know many things of me, especially what manner of place +it was within and whether I had not seen the damsel and the black dog +sitting on the iron trough, so that if I had desired to brag I could +have put strange fancies into their heads: but I said not the least +word, not even that I had gotten the costly treasure, but rode away to +my quarters and looked upon my find, which mightily delighted me. + + + + +_Chap. xiii._: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' STRANGE FANCIES AND CASTLES IN THE +AIR, AND HOW HE GUARDED HIS TREASURE + + +Now they that know the worth of money, and therefore take it for their +god, have no little reason on their side; for if there be a man in the +world that hath experienced its powers and wellnigh divine virtues, +that man am I. For I know how a man fares that hath a fair provision +thereof; yet have I never yet known how he should feel that had never a +farthing in his pouch. Yea, I could even take upon me to prove that +this same money possesses all virtues and powers more than any precious +stones; for it can drive away all melancholia like the diamond: it +causeth love and inclination to study, like the emerald (for so comes +it that commonly students have more money than poor folk's children): +it taketh away fear and maketh man joyful and happy like unto the ruby: +'tis often an hindrance to sleep, like the garnet: on the other hand, +it hath great power to produce repose of mind and so sleep, like the +jacinth: it strengtheneth the heart and maketh a man jolly and +companionable, lively and kind, like the sapphire and amethyst: it +driveth away bad dreams, giveth joy, sharpeneth the understanding, and +if one have a plaint against another it gaineth him the victory, like +the sardius (and in especial if the judge's palm be first well oiled +therewith): it quencheth unchaste desire, for by means of gold one can +possess fair women: and in a word, 'tis not to be exprest what gold can +do, as I have before set forth in my book intituled "Black and White," +if any man know how rightly to use and employ this information. As to +mine own money that I had then brought together, both with robbery and +the finding of this treasure, it had a special power of its own: for +first of all it made me prouder than I was before, so much so that it +vexed me to the heart that I must still be called "Simplicissimus" +only. It spoiled my sleep like the amethyst: for many a night I lay +awake and did speculate how I could put it out to advantage and get +more to put to it. Yea, and it made me a most perfect reckoner, for I +must calculate what mine uncoined silver and gold might be worth, and +adding this to that which I had borrowed here and there, and which yet +was in my purse, I found without the precious stones a fine overplus. +Yet did my money prove to me its inborn roguery and evil inclination to +temptation, inasmuch as it did fully expound to me the proverb "He that +hath much will ever have more," and made me so miserly that any man +might well have hated me. From my money I got many foolish plans and +strange fancies in my brain, and yet could follow out no conceit of all +that I devised. At one time I thought I would leave the wars and betake +myself somewhither and spend my days in fatness a-looking out of the +window; but quickly I did repent me of that, and in especial because I +considered what a free life I now led and what hopes I had to become a +great Jack. And then my thought was this, "Up and away, Simplicissimus, +and get thyself made a nobleman and raise thine own company of dragoons +for the emperor at thine own cost: and presently thou art a perfected +young lord that with the times can rise yet higher." Yet as soon as I +reflected that this my greatness could be made small by any unlucky +engagement, or be ended by a peace that should bring the war soon to a +finish, I could not find this plan to my taste. So then I began to wish +I had my full age as a man: for hadst thou that, said I to myself, thou +couldst take a rich young wife, and so buy thee a nobleman's estate +somewhere and lead a peaceful life. There would I betake myself to the +rearing of cattle and enjoy my sufficiency to the full: yet as I knew I +was too young for this, I must let that plan go by the board also. + +Such and the like conceits had I many, till at last I resolved to give +over my best effects to some man of substance in some safe town to +keep, and to wait how fortune would further deal with me. Now at that +time I had my Jupiter still with me: for indeed I could not be rid of +him: and at times the man could talk most reasonably and for weeks +together would be sane and sober: but above all things he held me dear +for my goodness to him; and seeing me in deep thought he says to me, +"Dear son, give away your blood-money; gold, silver, and all." "And +why?" said I, "dear Jupiter?" "Oh," says he, "to get you friends and be +rid of your useless cares." To which I answered, "I would fain have +more of such." Then says he, "Get more: but in such fashion will ye +never in your life have more friends nor more peace: leave it to old +misers to be greedy, but do ye so behave as becomes a fine young lad: +for ye shall sooner lack good friends than good money." + +So I pondered on the matter, and found that Jupiter reasoned well of +the case: yet greed had such hold on me that I could not resolve to +give away aught. Yet I did at last present to the commandant a pair of +silver-gilt double tankards and to my captain a couple of silver +salt-cellars, by which I achieved nothing more than to make their +mouths water for the rest: for these were rare pieces of antiquity. My +true comrade Jump-i'-th'-field I rewarded with twelve rix-dollars; who +in return advised me I should either make away with my riches or else +expect to fall into misfortune by their means: for, said he, it liked +the officers not that a common soldier should have more money than +they: and he himself had known this: that one comrade should secretly +murder another for the sake of money: till now, said he, I had been +able to keep secret what I had gotten in booty, for all believed I had +spent it on clothes, horses, and arms: but now I could conceal nought +nor make folks believe I had no secret store of money: for each one +made out the treasure I had found to be greater than it was: and yet I +spent not so much as before. Nor could he help but hear what rumours +went about among the men: and were he in my place he would let wars be +wars: would settle himself in safety somewhere, and let our Lord God +rule the world as He will. But I answered, "Harkye, brother, how +can I throw to the winds my hopes of an ensigncy?" "Yea, yea," says +Jump-i'-th'-field, "but devil take me if thou ever get thine ensigncy. +The others that wait for it would help to break thy neck a thousand +times over if they saw that such a post was vacant and thou to have it. +Teach me not how to know salmon from trout, for my father was a +fisherman! And be not angry with me, brother, for I have seen how it +fares in war longer than thou. Seest thou not how many a sergeant +grows grey with his spontoon that deserved to have a company before +many others. Thinkest thou they are not fellows that have some +right to hope? And indeed they have more right to such promotion than +thou, as thou thyself must confess." Nor could I answer aught, for +Jump-i'-th'-field did but speak the truth from an honest German heart, +and flattered me not: yet must I bite my lip in secret: for I thought +at that time mighty well of myself. Yet I weighed this speech and that +of my Jupiter full carefully, and considered that I had no single +natural-born friend that would help me in straits or would revenge my +death open or secret. And I myself could see plain enough how it stood +with me: yet neither my desire of honour nor of money would leave me: +and still less my hope to become great, to leave the wars, and to be in +peace; nay, rather I held to my first plan; and when a chance offered +for Cologne, whither I, with some hundred dragoons, was ordered to +convoy certain carriers and waggons of merchandise from Münster, I +packed up my treasure, took it with me, and gave it in charge to one of +the first merchants of that city to be drawn out on production of an +exact list of the things. Now it was seventy-four marks of uncoined +silver, fifteen marks of gold, eighty Joachim dollars, and in a sealed +casquet divers rings and jewels, which, with gold and precious stones, +weighed eight and a half pounds in all, together with 893 ancient +golden coins that were worth each a gold gulden and a half. With me I +took my Jupiter, as he desired it, and had kinsfolk of repute in +Cologne: to whom he boasted of the good turns I had done him and caused +me to be received of them with great honour. Yet did he never cease to +counsel me that I should bestow my money better and buy myself friends +that would be of more service to me than money in my purse. + + + + +_Chap. xiv._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WAS CAPTURED BY THE ENEMY + + +So on the journey home I pondered much how I should carry myself in +future, so that I might get the favour of all: for Jump-i'-th'-field +had put a troublesome flea in my ear, and had made me to believe I was +envied of all: and in truth 'twas no otherwise. And now came into my +mind what the famous prophetess of Soest had once said,[24] and so I +burdened myself with yet greater cares. Yet with these thoughts did I +sharpen my wit, and perceived that a man that should live without cares +would be dull as any beast. Then I considered for what reason one and +the other might hate me, and how I might deal with each to have his +goodwill again, yet most of all must I wonder how men could be so false +and yet give me nought but good words whereas they loved me not. For +that cause I determined to deal as others did, and to say what would +please each, yea, to approach every man with respect though I felt it +not: for most of all I felt 'twas mine own pride had burdened me with +the most enemies. Therefore I held it needful to shew myself humble +again, though I was not, and to consort again with common folk, but to +approach my betters hat in hand and to refrain from all finery in dress +till my rank should be bettered. From the merchant in Cologne I had +drawn 100 dollars, to repay the same with interest when he should +return my treasure: these hundred dollars I was minded to spend on the +way for the behoof of the escort, as now perceiving that greed makes no +friends, and therefore was resolved on this very journey to alter my +ways and make a new beginning. Yet did I reckon without mine host; for +as we would pass through the duchy of Berg there waited for us in a +post of vantage eighty musqueteers and fifty troopers, even when I was +ordered forward with four others and a corporal to ride in front and to +spy out the road. So the enemy kept quiet when we came into the ambush +and let us pass, lest if they had attacked us the convoy should be +warned before they came into the pass where they were: but after us +they sent a cornet and eight troopers that kept us in sight till their +people had attacked our escort itself, and we turned round to protect +the waggons: at which they rode down upon us and asked, would we have +quarter. Now for my part I was well mounted: for I had my best horse +under me: yet would I not run, but rode up a little hillock to see if +honour was to be had by fighting. Yet I was presently aware, by the +noise of the volley that our people received, what o'clock it was, and +so disposed myself to flight. But the cornet had thought of all, and +already cut off our retreat, and as I was preparing to cut my way +through he once again offered me quarter, for he thought me an officer. +So I considered that to make sure of one's life is better than an +uncertain hazard, and therefore asked, would he keep his promise of +quarter as an honest soldier: he answered, "Yes, honestly." So I +presented him my sword and rendered myself up a prisoner. At once he +asked me of what condition I was: for he took me for a nobleman and +therefore an officer. But when I answered him, I was called the +Huntsman of Soest, "Then art thou lucky," says he, "that thou didst not +fall into our hands a month ago: for then could I have given thee no +quarter, since then thou wast commonly held among our people for a +declared sorcerer." + +This cornet was a fine young cavalier and not more than two years older +than I, and was mightily proud to have the honour of taking the famous +huntsman: therefore he observed the promised quarter very honourably +and in Dutch fashion, which is to take from their Spanish prisoners of +war nothing that they carry under their belt: nay, he did not even have +me searched; but I had wit enough to take the money out of my pockets +and present it to him when they came to a division of spoils; and also +I told the cornet secretly to look to it that he got as his share my +horse, saddle, and harness, for he would find thirty ducats in the +saddle, and the horse had hardly his equal anywhere. And for this cause +the cornet was as much my friend as if I had been his own brother: for +at once he mounted my horse and set me on his own. But of the escort no +more than six were dead, and thirteen prisoners, of whom eight were +wounded: the rest fled and had not heart enough to retake the booty +from the enemy in fair field, the which they could have done, as being +all mounted men against infantry. + +Now when the plunder and the prisoners had been shared, the Swedes and +Hessians (for they were from different garrisons) separated the same +evening. But the cornet kept me and the corporal, together with three +other dragoons, as his share because he had captured us: and so were we +brought to a fortress which lay but a few miles from our own +garrison.[25] And inasmuch as I had raised plenty of smoke in that town +before, my name was there well known and I myself more feared than +loved. So when we had the place in sight the cornet sent a trooper in +advance to announce his coming to the commandant, and to tell him how +he had fared and who the prisoners were, whereat there was a concourse +in the town that was not to be described, for each would fain see the +huntsman. One said this of me, and another that; and the sight was for +all the world as if some great potentate had made his entry. But we +prisoners were brought straight to the commandant, who was much amazed +at my youth; and asked, had I never served on the Swedish side, and of +what country I was: and when I told him the truth he would know if I +had no desire to serve again on their side. I answered him that in +other respects 'twas to me indifferent: but that I had sworn an oath to +the emperor and therefore methought 'twas my duty to keep such. +Thereupon he ordered us to be taken to the prize-master, but allowed +the cornet, at his request, to treat us as his guests, because I had +before so treated mine own prisoners and among them his own brother. So +when evening was come there was a gathering both of soldiers of fortune +and cavaliers of birth at the cornet's quarters, who sent for me and +the corporal: and there was I, to speak the truth, extraordinary +courteously entreated by them. I made merry as if I had lost nothing, +and carried myself as confidently and open-hearted as I had been no +prisoner in the hands of my enemy but among my best friends. Yet I +shewed myself as modest as might be; for I could well imagine that my +behaviour would be noted to the commandant, which was so, as I +afterwards learned. + +Next day we prisoners, one after another, were brought before the +regimental judge-advocate-general, who examined us, the corporal first, +and me second. But as soon as I entered the room he was filled with +wonder at my youth, and to cast it in my teeth, "My child," says he, +"what have the Swedes done to thee that thou shouldst fight against +them?" + +Now this angered me: for I had seen as young soldiers among them as I +was: so I answered, "The Swedes had robbed me of my coral and bells and +my baby's rattle, and I would have them back." And as I thus paid him +back in his own coin, the officers that sat by him were shamed, +insomuch that one of them began to say to him in Latin he should treat +me seriously, for he could hear that it was no child that he had before +him. In that I was ware that his name was Eusebius; for the officer so +addressed him. So presently when he had asked my name, and I had told +him, "There is no devil in hell," says he, "that is called +Simplicissimus." "Nay," answered I, "and 'tis like there is none named +Eusebius." And so I paid him back like our old muster-clerk Cyriack; +yet this pleased not the officers, who bade me remember I was their +prisoner, and was not brought there to pass jests. At this reproof I +blushed not, but answered: inasmuch as they held me prisoner like a +soldier, and would not let me run away like a child, I had taken care +that they should not make sport with me as with a child: as I had been +questioned, so had I answered and hoped I had done no wrong therein. So +they asked me of my country and my family, but especially if I had +never served on the Swedish side: item, how it was with the garrison of +Soest: how strong it was, and all the rest. To all which I answered +quick and short and well, and in respect of Soest and its garrison as +much as I could confidently state: yet I might well keep silence +concerning my life as a jester, for of this I was ashamed. + + + + +_Chap. xv._: ON WHAT CONDITION THE HUNTSMAN WAS SET FREE + + +Meanwhile 'twas known at Soest how it had fared with the convoy, how I +and the corporal had been captured and whither we had been taken; and +therefore next day came a drummer to fetch us back: whereupon the +corporal and the three others were delivered up, together with a letter +to the following purport (for the commandant sent it to me to read): + + +"Monsieur, etc.,--By the bearer, your tambour, your message hath been +delivered: and in answer thereto I restore herewith, in return for +ransom received, the corporal and the three other prisoners: but as +concerns Simplicissimus, called the Huntsman, the same cannot be +allowed to return, as having once served on this side. But if I can +serve your honour in any matters short of those touching my allegiance, +you have in me a willing servant, and as such I remain, + + "Your honour's obedient servant, + + "[DANIEL] DE S[AINT] A[NDRÉ]."[26] + + +Now this letter did not half please me, yet I must return thanks to him +for suffering me to see it. But when I asked to speak with the +commandant I received answer he would himself send for me as soon as he +had despatched the drummer, which should be done next morning: till +then I must be patient. + +So when I had waited the appointed time, the commandant sent for me, +and that just at dinner-time, and then for the first time the honour +fell to me of sitting at table with him. And so long as the meal lasted +he drank to my health and said no word, great or small, of the business +he had with me; nor was it my part to begin. But the meal now ended and +I being somewhat fuddled, says he, "My friend the Huntsman, ye will +have understood from my letter under what pretext I have kept ye here: +and indeed I intend no wrong or anything contrary to reason and the +usage of war, for yourself have confessed to me and the judge-advocate +that you once served on our side in the main army, and therefore must +resolve yourself to take service under my command. And in time, if ye +behave yourself well, I will so advance you as ye could never have +hoped for among the Imperials, otherwise ye must not take it ill if I +send you to that lieutenant-colonel from whom the dragoons before +captured you." To which I answered, "Worshipful colonel" (for at that +time 'twas not the usage that soldiers of fortune were entitled "your +honour" even though they were colonels), "I hope, since I am bound by +oath neither to the crown of Sweden nor its confederates, and still +less to that lieutenant-colonel, that I am therefore not bound to take +service with the Swedes and so to break the oath which I swore to the +emperor, and therefore beg the worshipful colonel with all humility to +be good enough to relieve me from such a proposal." "How?" says the +colonel, "do ye despise the Swedish service? I would have you to know +ye are my prisoner, and sooner than let you go to Soest to do the enemy +service I will bring you to another trial, or let you rot in prison." +And so, said he, I might lay my account. + +Truly at these words I was afeared, yet would not yet give in, but +answered, God would protect me both from such despiteful treatment and +from perjury: for the rest, I persisted in my humble hope that the +colonel would, according to his known reputation, deal with me as with +a soldier. "Yea," said he, "I know well how I could treat ye if I would +be strict; but be ye better advised, lest I find cause to shew you +other countenance." And with that I was led back to the prison. + +And now can any man easily guess that I slept not much that night, but +had all manner of thoughts: and next morning came certain officers with +the cornet that had taken me, under colour of passing the time, but in +truth to tell me that the colonel was minded to have me tried as a +sorcerer if I would not otherwise be content. So would they have +terrified me, and found out what my powers were: yet as I had the +comfort of a good conscience, I took all coolly and said but little, as +seeing well that the colonel cared for nothing but this: that he would +fain have me no more at Soest. And well might he suppose that if he +once let me go I should not leave that place, where I hoped for +promotion, and moreover had two fine horses there and other things of +price. Next day he had me brought to him again and asked, had I +resolved otherwise. So I answered, "Colonel, to this I am determined, +that I will sooner die than be perjured. Yet if the worshipful colonel +will set me free and be pleased not to call upon me to do any warlike +service, then will I promise him with heart, mouth, and hand to bear +and use no arms against the Swedes and Hessians for the space of six +months." + +To that he agreed at once, gave me his hand upon it, and forgave me my +ransom; further, he commanded his secretary to draw up an agreement to +that effect in duplicate, which we both subscribed, wherein he promised +me protection and all freedom so long as I should remain in the +fortress entrusted to him. On the other hand, I bound myself to the two +points above named, videlicet: that I, so long as I should sojourn in +the said fortress, would neither undertake anything to the hurt of the +garrison and its commander, nor would conceal aught that was intended +to their prejudice and damage, but would much more further their +profit and benefit, and prevent any damage to them to the best of my +ability--yea, that if the place were attacked I should and would help +to defend it. + +Thereupon he kept me to dine with him again, and shewed me more honour +than I could in all my lifetime have looked for from the Imperials: and +so by little and little he won me over, till I would not have returned +to Soest even if he had let me go thither and had accounted me free +from my promise. + + + + +_Chap. xvi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A NOBLEMAN + + +When a thing is to be, all things shape themselves to that end. Now did +I conceive that fortune had taken me to husband, or at least bound +herself so close to me that the most contrary happenings must turn out +to my profit: as when I learned at the commandant's table that my +servant with my two fine horses had come from Soest. But I knew not +(what at last I found) that tricky Fortune hath the sirens' art, who do +shew themselves kindest to those to whom they wish most harm, and so +doth raise a man the higher but for this end: to cast him down the +deeper. Now this servant, which I had before captured from the Swedes, +was beyond measure true to me, who had done him great kindnesses. He +therefore had saddled my two horses and rode out a good way from Soest +to meet the drummer that should bring me back, that not only I might +not have to walk so far, but also that I might not have to return to +Soest naked or in rags: for he conceived I had been stripped. So when +he met the drummer and the rest of the prisoners there he had my best +clothing in a pack. But when he saw me not, but understood I was kept +back to take service with the adversary, he set spurs to his horse and +says he, "Adieu, tambours, and you too. Corporal: where my master is +there will I be also," so he escaped and came to me at the very time +when the commandant had set me free and was shewing me such great +honour: who thereupon bestowed my horses in an inn till I could find +for myself a lodging to my liking, and called me fortunate by reason of +my servant's faith, yet wondered that I, as a common dragoon, and so +young to boot, should possess such fine horses and be so well equipped; +nay, when I had taken leave and would go to my inn he praised one horse +so loudly that I marked well he would fain have bought him from me. Yet +because from modesty he ventured not to make a bid, I said if I might +beg for the honour of his keeping the horse it was at his service. But +he refused roundly, more because I was fairly tipsy, and he would not +have the reproach of talking a present out of a drunken man, who might +thereafter repent of it, than because he would not fain have had that +noble horse. + +That night I did consider how I would order my life in time to come; +and did decide to remain for the six months even where I was, and so in +peace to spend the winter which was now at hand, for which I knew I had +money enough for my purposes, without breaking into my treasure at +Cologne. "In so long a time," thought I, "thou wilt be full grown and +come to thy full strength, and so canst thou next spring take the field +with more boldness among the emperor's troops." + +Early next morning I reviewed my saddle, which was far better lined +than the one I had presented to the cornet: and later on I had my horse +led to the colonel's quarters and told him: as I had determined to +spend the six months in which 'twas forbidden me to fight, peaceably +and under the colonel's protection, here, my horses were of no use to +me, which yet 'twere pity should be spoiled, and therefore begged him +that he would consent to grant this charger here present a place among +his own horses, and accept the same from me as a mark of grateful +acknowledgment of favours received, and that without scruple. The +colonel returned me thanks with great civility and very courteous +offers of service, and the same afternoon sent me by his steward one +fat ox alive, two fat pigs, a hogshead of wine, two hogsheads of beer, +twelve cords of firewood; all which he caused to be brought to me in +front of my new lodging, which I had even now hired for half a year, +and sent a message: that as he saw I was to live with him, and could +easily conceive that I was at first ill-provided with victual, he had +therefore sent me for household use a draught of wine and a joint of +meat, together with the fuel to cook the same: with this in addition, +that whereinsoever he could help me he would not fail. For which I +returned thanks as civilly as I could: presented the steward with two +ducats, and begged him to commend me to his master. + +So when I saw I had gained such credit with the colonel for my +liberality, I thought to earn praise also among the common folk, that +none should take me for a mere malingerer: to that end I had my servant +called before me in presence of my landlord, and "Friend Nicolas," said +I, "thou hast shewn me more faithfulness than any master can expect +from his servant; but now, when I know not how to make it up to thee, +as having no master and no leave to fight, wherefrom I might gain booty +enough to reward thee as I would fain do, and in respect also of the +peaceful life which I do intend henceforth to live, and therefore do +need no servitor, I herewith give thee as thy pay the other horse, with +saddle, harness and pistols, with the request that thou wouldst be +content for the present to seek another master. And if I hereafter can +serve thee in any way, do thou not fail to ask me." With that he kissed +my hands and for tears could not speak, but would by no means have the +horse, but held it better I should turn it into money to use for my +maintenance. Yet at last I persuaded him to take it, after I had +promised to take him again into my service so soon as I should need a +man. At this parting my landlord was so moved that his eyes also filled +with tears: and as my servant exalted me among the soldiers for this +action, so did my landlord among the citizens. + +As to the commandant, he held me for so determined a fellow that he +would have ventured to build upon my word, since I did not only truly +keep the oath I had sworn to the emperor, but in order to keep that +other promise, which I had made to himself, with great strictness had +rid myself of my fine horses, my arms, and my most faithful servant. + + + + +_Chap. xvii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN DISPOSED HIMSELF TO PASS HIS SIX +MONTHS: AND ALSO SOMEWHAT OF THE PROPHETESS + + +I do think there is no man in the world that hath not a bee in his +bonnet, for we be all men of one mould and by mine own fruits I can +mark how others' ripen. Oh coxcomb! say you; if thou beest a fool, +thinkest thou others must be too? Nay, that were to say too much: but +this I maintain, that one man can hide his folly better than another. +Nor is a man a fool because he hath foolish fantasies, for in youth we +do all have the like: and he that lets those fantasies run loose is +held to be a fool because others keep the fool concealed, and others do +but shew the half of him. They that keep such whims under altogether be +but peevish fellows, but they that now and then allow them (as time +affords an opportunity) to shew their ears and put their heads out of +window to get air lest they be choked, these I hold for the best and +wisest men. Mine own fantasies I let forth only too far, as seeing +myself so free and well provided with money; so that I took me a lad +whom I clothed as a nobleman's page, and that in the most fantastic +colours, to wit, light brown bordered with yellow, which must be my +livery, for so I fancied it: and he must wait upon me as if I were a +nobleman and not until just before a common dragoon; yea, and half a +year before a poor horse-boy. + +Now this, the first folly I committed in this town, though 'twas pretty +gross, yet was remarked by none, much less blamed. But why? The world +is so full of such fooleries that none marks them now, nor laughs at +them, nor wonders at them, for all are used to them. And so was I held +for a wise and good soldier, and not for a fool only fit for baby's +shoes. Then I bargained with my landlord for the feeding of my page and +myself, and gave him, as payment on account, what the commandant had +presented to me, as far as concerns food and fuel: but for the drink my +page must keep the key, for I was very willing to give of such to all +that visited me. And since I was neither citizen nor soldier, and +therefore had no equals that were bound to keep me company, I consorted +with both sides, and therefore daily found comrades enough; and these I +sent not away dry. Among the citizens I had most friendship with the +organist, for music I loved and, without bragging, had an excellent +voice which I had no mind to let rust: this man taught me how to +compose, and to play better upon that instrument, as also upon the +harp: on the lute I was already a master; so I got me one of mine own +and daily diverted myself with it. And when I was tired of music I +would send for that furrier that had instructed me in the use of all +arms in Paradise, and with him exercised myself to be yet more perfect. +Also I obtained leave from the commandant that one of his artillerymen +should instruct me in gunnery and something of artillery-practice for a +proper reward. For the rest, I kept myself quiet and retired, so that +people wondered, seeing how I, that had been used to plunder and +bloodshed, now sat always over my books like a student. + +But my host was the commandant's spy and my keeper, for well I noted +that he reported to him all my ways and works; but that suited me well +enough, for of warfare I had never a thought, and if there was talk of +it I behaved myself as I had never been a soldier, and was only there +to perform my daily exercises, of which I but now made mention. 'Tis +true I wished my six months at an end: yet could no man guess which +side I would then serve. As often as I waited on the colonel he would +have me to dine with him: and then at times the converse was so +arranged that my intention might be known therefrom: but ever I +answered so discreetly that none could know what I did mean. So once +when he said to me, "How is't with ye, Huntsman? Will ye not yet turn +Swede? An ensign of mine is dead yesterday," I made answer, "Worshipful +colonel, seeing that it is but decent for a woman not to marry at once +again after her husband's death, should I not also wait my six months?" +In such fashion I escaped every time, and gained the colonel's good +will more and more; so much so that he allowed me to take my walks both +inside and outside the fortress: yea, at last I might hunt the hares, +partridges, and birds, which was not permitted to his own soldiers. +Likewise did I fish in the Lippe, and was so lucky at that, that it +seemed as if I could conjure both fish and crayfish out of the water. +For this I caused to be made a rough hunting-suit only, in which I +crept by night into the territory of Soest and collected my hidden +treasures from here and there, and brought them to the said fortress, +and so behaved as if I would for ever dwell among the Swedes. + +By the same way came the prophetess of Soest to me and said, "Lookye, +my son, did I not counsel thee well before that thou shouldst hide thy +money outside the town of Soest? I do assure thee 'tis thy greater good +luck to have been captured: for hadst thou returned to Soest, certain +fellows that had sworn thy death, because thou wast preferred to them +among the women, would have murdered thee in thy hunting." So I asked, +"How could any be jealous of me, that meddled with women not at all?" +"Oh," says she, "of that opinion that thou art now, wilt thou not long +remain: or the women will drive thee out of the country with mockery +and shame. Thou hast ever laughed at me when I foretold thee aught: +wouldest thou once more refuse to believe me if I told thee more? Dost +thou not find in the place where thou art better friends than in Soest? +I do swear to thee they hold thee only too dear, and that such +exceeding love will turn to thy harm, if thou submit not to it." So I +answered her, if she truly knew so much as she gave out, she should +reveal to me how it stood with my parents and whether I should ever in +my life come to them again: she should not be so dark in her sayings, +but out with it in good German. Thereupon she said I might ask after my +parents when my foster-father should meet me unawares, and lead my +wet-nurse's daughter by a string: with that she laughed loud, and at +the end said, she had of her own accord told to me more than to others +that had begged it of her. + +But as I began to jest upon her she quickly took herself away, after I +had presented her with a few thalers; for I had more silver coin than I +could easily carry, having at that time a pretty sum of money and many +rings and jewels of great price: for before this, whenever I heard of +precious stones among the soldiers, or found such on expeditions or +elsewhere, I bought them, and that for less than half the money they +were worth. Such treasures did always cry aloud to me to let them be +seen in public: and I did willingly obey, for being of a pretty proud +temper, I made a show with my wealth and feared not to let mine host +see it, who made it out to others as greater than it was. And they did +wonder whence I had gathered it all together, it being well known that +I had made deposit at Cologne of the treasure I had found, for the +cornet had read the merchant's receipt when he took me prisoner. + + + + +_Chap. xviii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT A WOOING, AND MADE A TRADE OF IT + + +My intent to learn artillery practice and fencing in these six months +was good, and that I knew: yet 'twas not enough to protect me from +idleness, which is the root of many evils, and especially ill for me +because I had no one to command me. 'Tis true I sat industriously over +books of all sorts, from which I learned much good: but a few came into +my hands which were as good for me as grass for a sick dog. The +incomparable "Arcadia," from which I sought to learn eloquence, was the +first book that led me aside from good stories to books of love and +from true history to romances of chivalry. Such sort of books I +collected wherever I could, and when I found one I ceased not till I +had read it through, though I should sit day and night over it. But +these taught me, instead of eloquence, to practise lechery. Yet was +such desire at no time so violent and strong that one could, with +Seneca, call it a divine frenzy or, as it is described in Thomas +Thomai's "Forest Garden," a serious sickness. For where I took a fancy +there I had what I desired easily and without great trouble: and so had +I no cause to complain as other wooers and lechers have had, which are +chock full of fantastic thoughts, troubles, desires, secret pangs, +anger, jealousy, revenge, madness, tears, bragging, threats and +numberless other follies, and for sheer impatience wish for death. For +I had money and was not too careful of it, and besides I had a fine +voice, which daily I exercised with all manner of instruments. Instead +of shewing my bodily skill in the dance, which I did never love, I did +display it in fencing, engaging with my furrier: moreover, I had a fine +smooth face, and did practise myself in a certain gracious amiableness, +so that the women, even those that I did not greatly seek after, did of +themselves run after me, and that more than I desired. + +About this time came Martinmas: then with us Germans begins the eating +and swilling, and that feast is full conscientiously observed till +Shrovetide: so was I invited to different houses, both among the +officers and burghers, to help eat the Martinmas goose. So 'twas that +on such occasions I made acquaintance with the ladies. For my lute and +my songs made all to look my way, and when they so looked, then was I +ready to add such charming looks and actions to my new love-songs +(which I did myself compose) that many a fair maid was befooled, and +ere she knew it was in love with me. Yet lest I should be held for a +curmudgeon I gave likewise two banquets, one for the officers and one +for the chief citizens, by which means I gained me favour of both +parties and an entry to their houses; for I spared no expense in my +entertainment. But all this was but for the sake of the sweet maids, +and though I did not at once find what I sought with each and everyone +(for some there were that could deny me), yet I went often to these +also, that so they might bring them that did shew me more favour than +becomes modest maidens into no suspicion, but might believe that I +visited these last also only for the sake of conversation. And so +separately I persuaded each one to believe this of the others, and to +think she was the only one that enjoyed my love. Just six I had that +loved me well and I them in return: yet none possessed my heart or me +alone: in one 'twas but the black eyes that pleased me; in another the +golden hair; in a third a winning sweetness; and in the others was also +somewhat that the rest had not. But if I, besides these, also visited +others, 'twas either for the cause I mentioned or because their +acquaintance was new and strange to me, and in any case I refused and +despised nothing, as not purposing always to remain in the same place. +My page, which was an arch-rogue, had enough to do with carrying of +love-letters back and forth, and knew how to keep his mouth shut and my +loose ways so secret from one and the other that nought was discovered: +in reward for which he had from the baggages many presents, which yet +cost me most, seeing that I spent a little fortune on them, and could +well say, "What is won with the drum is lost with the fife." All the +same, I kept my affairs so secret that not one man in a hundred would +have taken me for a rake, save only the priest, from whom I borrowed +not so many good books as formerly. + + + + +_Chap. xix._: BY WHAT MEANS THE HUNTSMAN MADE FRIENDS, AND HOW HE WAS +MOVED BY A SERMON + + +When Fortune will cast a man down, she raiseth him first to the +heights, and the good God doth faithfully warn every man before his +fall. Such a warning had I, but would have none of it. For I was +stiffly persuaded of this, that my fortune was so firmly founded that +no mishap could cast me down, because all, and specially the commandant +himself, wished me well; those that he valued I won over by all manner +of respect: his trusted servants I brought over to my side by presents, +and with them perhaps more than with mine equals I did drink +"Brotherhood" and swore to them everlasting faith and friendship: so, +too, the common citizens and soldiers loved me because I had a friendly +word for all. "What a kindly man," said they often, "is the huntsman; +He will talk with a child in the street, and hath a quarrel with no +man!" If I had shot a hare or a few partridges I would send them to the +kitchen of those whose friendship I sought, and also invited myself as +a guest; at which time I would always have a sup of wine (which was in +that place very dear) brought thither also: yea, I would so contrive it +that the whole cost would fall upon me. And when at such banquets I +fell in converse with any, I had praise for all save myself, and +managed so to feign humility as I had never known pride. So because I +thus gained the favour of all, and all thought much of me, I never +conceived that any misfortune could encounter me, especially since my +purse was still pretty well filled. Often I went to the oldest priest +of the town, who lent me many books from his library: and when I +brought one back then would he discourse of all manner of matters with +me, for we became so familiar together that one could easily bear with +the other. So when not only the Martinmas goose and the feast of +pudding-broth were gone and over, but also the Christmas holidays, I +presented to him for the New Year a bottle of Strassburg Branntwein, +the which he, after Westphalian use, liked to sip with sugar-candy, and +thereafter came to visit him, even as he was a-reading my "Joseph the +Chaste," which my host without my knowledge had lent him. I did blush +that my work should fall into the hands of so learned a man, especially +because men hold that one is best known by what he writes. But he would +have me to sit by him and praised my invention, yet blamed me that I +had lingered so long over the love-story of Zuleika (which was +Potiphar's wife). "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth +speaketh," said he moreover, "and if my friend had not known how it +fares with a wooer's heart he could never so well have treated of this +woman's passion or in so lively fashion pictured it." + +I answered that what I had written was not mine own invention but +extracted from other books to give me some practice in writing. "Yes, +yes," says he, "of course I am pleased to believe it: yet may you be +sure I know more of your honour than he conceives." At these words I +was dismayed and thought, "Hath a little bird told thee?" But he, +seeing how I changed colour, went on to say, "Ye are lively and young, +idle and handsome. Ye do live a careless life, and as I hear in all +luxury: therefore do I beseech you in the Lord and exhort you to +consider in what an evil case you stand: beware of the beast with the +long hair, if you have any care for your happiness and health. Ye may +perhaps say, 'How concerneth it the priest what I do or not?' ('Rightly +guessed,' said I to myself) or, 'What right hath he to command me?' +'Tis true I have but the care of souls: but, sir, be assured that your +temporal good, as that of my benefactor, is for mere Christian love as +precious as if ye were mine own son. 'Tis ever a pity, and never can ye +answer such a charge before your heavenly Father if ye do bury the +talent He hath entrusted to you and leave to go to ruin that noble +understanding which I do perceive in this your writing. My faithful and +fatherly advice would be, ye should employ your youth and your means, +which ye now do waste in such purposeless wise, to study, that some day +ye may be helpful to God and man and yourself; and let war alone, in +which, as I do hear, ye have so great a delight; and before ye get a +shrewd knock and find the truth of that saying, 'Young soldiers make +old beggars.'" This predication I listened to with great impatience, +for I was not used to hear the like: yet I shewed not how I felt, lest +I should forfeit my reputation for politeness, but thanked him much for +his straightforwardness and promised him to reflect upon his advice: +yet thought I within myself, what did it concern the priest how I +ordered my life; for just then I was at the height of my good fortune, +and I could not do without those pleasures of dalliance I had once +enjoyed. So is it ever with such warnings, when youth is unaccustomed +to bit and bridle, and gallops hard away to meet destruction. + + + + +_Chap. xx._: HOW HE GAVE THE FAITHFUL PRIEST OTHER FISH TO FRY, TO +CAUSE HIM TO FORGET HIS OWN HOGGISH LIFE + + +Yet was I not so drowned in lust nor so dull as not to take care to +keep all men's affection so long as I was minded to sojourn in that +fortress, that is, till winter was over. And I knew well what trouble +it might breed for a man if he should earn the ill will of the clergy, +they being folk that in all nations, no matter of what religion they +be, enjoy great credit; so I put on my considering cap, and the very +next day I betook myself hot-foot to the said pastor, and told him in +fine words such a heap of lies, how I had resolved to follow his +advice, that he, as I could see from his carriage, was heartily +rejoiced thereat. + +"Yea," said I, "up till this time, yea and in Soest also, there was +wanting for me nothing but such an angelic counsellor as I have found +in your reverence. Were but the winter over, or at least the weather +better, so that I could travel hence!" And thereafter I begged him to +assist me with his advice as to which University I should attend. To +that he answered, himself had studied in Leyden, but he would counsel +to go to Geneva, for by my speech I must be from the High Germany. +"Jesus Maria!" said I, "Geneva is farther from my home than Leyden." +"Can I believe mine ears?" says he, "'tis plain your honour is a +Papist! Great Heavens, how am I deceived!" "How so, Pastor?" said I, +"must I be a Papist because I will not to Geneva?" "Nay," says he, "but +ye do call upon the name of Mary!" "How," said I, "is't not well for a +Christian to name the mother of his Redeemer?" "True," says he, "yet +would I counsel your honour and beg of him as earnestly as I can to +give honour to God only and further to tell me plainly to what religion +he belongs, for I doubt much if he be Evangelical (though I have seen +him every Sunday in my church), inasmuch as at this last Christmastide +he came not to the table of the Lord neither here nor in the Lutheran +church." "Nay," said I, "but your reverence knows well that I am a +Christian: were I not, I had not been so oft at the preaching: but for +the rest, I must confess that I follow neither Peter nor Paul, but do +believe simply all that the twelve articles of the Christian faith do +contain: nor will I bind myself to either party till one or the other +shall bring me by sufficient proofs to believe that he, rather than the +other, doth possess the one true religion of salvation." Thereupon, +"Now," says he, "do I truly, and that for the first time, understand +that ye have a true soldier's spirit, to risk your life here, there and +everywhere, since ye can so live from day to day without religion or +worship and can so risk your hope of eternal salvation! Great heaven," +says he, "how can a mortal man, that must hereafter be damned or saved, +so defy all? Your honour," says he, "was brought up in Hanau: hath he +learned there no better Christianity than this? Tell me, why do ye not +follow in the footsteps of your parents in the pure religion of Christ, +or why will ye not betake yourself to this our belief, of which the +foundations be so plain both in Holy Writ and nature that neither +Papist nor Lutheran[27] can ever upset them." + +"Your reverence," I answered, "so say all of their own religion: yet +which am I to believe? Think ye 'tis so light a matter for me to +entrust my soul's salvation to any one party that doth revile the other +two and accuse them of false doctrine? I pray you to consider, with +impartial eyes, what Conrad Vetter and Johannes Nas have written +against Luther, and also Luther against the Pope, but most of all what +Spangenberg hath written against Francis of Assisi, which for hundreds +of years hath been held for a holy and God-like man, and all this in +print. To which party shall I betake myself when each says of the other +that 'tis unclean, unclean? Doth your reverence think I am wrong if I +stay awhile till I have got me more understanding and know black from +white? Would any man counsel me to plunge in like a fly into hot soup? +Nay, nay, your reverence cannot upon his conscience do that! Without +question one religion must be right and the other two wrong: and if I +should betake myself to one without ripe reflection I might choose the +wrong as easily as the right, and so repent of my choice for all +eternity. I will sooner keep off the roads altogether than take the +wrong one: besides, there be yet other religions besides these here in +Europe, as those of the Armenians, the Abyssinians, the Greeks, the +Georgians, and so forth, and whichsoever I do choose, then must I with +my fellow believers deny all the rest. But if your reverence will but +play the part of Ananias for me and open mine eyes, I will with +thankfulness follow him and take up that religion to which he belongs." + +Thereupon, "Your honour," says he, "is in a great error: but I pray God +to enlighten him and help him forth of the slough; to which end I will +hereafter so prove to him the truth of our Confession that the gates of +hell shall not prevail against it." I answered I would await such with +great anxiety: yet in my heart I thought, "If thou trouble me no more +anent my lecheries, I will be content with thy belief." + +And so can the reader judge what a godless, wicked rogue I then was: +for I did but give the good pastor fruitless trouble, that he might +leave me undisturbed in my vicious life, and thinks I, "Before thou art +ready with thy proofs I shall belike be where the pepper[28] grows." + + + + +_Chap. xxi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ALL UNAWARES WAS MADE A MARRIED MAN + + +Now over against my lodging there dwelt a lieutenant-colonel on +half-pay, and the same had a very fair daughter of noble carriage, +whose acquaintance I had long desired to make. And though at the first +she seemed not such an one as I could love and no other and cleave to +her for ever, yet I took many a walk for her sake, and wasted many a +loving look; who yet was so carefully guarded against me that never +once could I come to speak with her as I would have wished, neither +might boldly accost her: for I had no acquaintance with her parents, +and indeed they seemed far too high placed for a lad of such low +descent as I deemed myself to be. At the most I could approach her in +the going in and out of church, and then would I take opportunity to +draw near and with great passion would heave out a couple of sighs, +wherein I was a master, though all from a feigned heart. All which she, +on the other hand, received so coldly that I must well believe she was +not to be fooled like any small burgher's daughter: and the more I +thought how hard 'twould be for me to compass her love, the hotter grew +my desire for her. + +But the lucky star which first brought me to her was even that one +which the scholars wear at a certain season, in everlasting remembrance +of how the three wise men were by such a star led to Bethlehem, and I +took it for a good omen that such a star led me to her dwelling also. +For her father sending for me, "Monsieur," says he, "that position of +neutrality which you do hold between citizens and soldiers is the cause +why I have invited you hither: for I have need of an impartial witness +in a matter which I have to settle between two parties." With that I +thought he had some wondrous great undertaking in hand, for papers and +pens lay on the table: so I tendered him my services for all honourable +ends, adding thereto that I should hold it for a great honour indeed if +I were fortunate enough to do him service to his liking. Yet was the +business nothing more than this (as is the usage in many places), to +set up a kingdom, being as 'twas the Eve of the Three Kings: and my +part was to see that all was well and truly performed and the offices +distributed by lot without respect of persons. And for this weighty +concern (at which his secretary also was present) my colonel must have +wine and confectionery served, for he was a doughty drinker and 'twas +already past the time for supper. So then must the secretary write, and +I read out the names, and the young lady draw the lots while her +parents looked on: and how it all happened I know not, but so I made my +first acquaintance in that house: and they complaining greatly how +tedious were the winter nights, gave me to understand I should, to make +them pass more easily, often visit them of evenings, for otherwise they +had no great pastime: which was indeed the very thing I had of long +time desired. + +So from that time forward (though for a while I must be on my good +behaviour with the damsel) I began to play a new part, dancing on the +limed twig and nibbling at the fool's bait till both the maid and her +parents must needs believe I had swallowed the hook, though as yet I +had not (by a long score) any serious intent. I spent all my day in +arraying myself for the night (as witches use to do): and the morrow in +poring over books of love, composing from them amorous letters to my +mistress, as if I dwelt a hundred leagues off or saw her but once in +many years: so at last I was become a familiar of the house, and my +suit not frowned upon by her parents: nay, 'twas even proposed I should +teach the daughter to play the lute. So there I had free entrance, not +only by night but by day also, so that I could now alter my tune and no +longer sing + + "On the bat's back do I fly after sunset merrily," + +but did write a pretty enough ditty, in the which I lauded my good +fortune which had granted me, after so many happy evenings, so many +joyous days also wherein I could feast mine eyes on the charms of my +beloved and be refreshed thereby: yet in the same song did bemoan my +hard fate that made my nights so miserable and granted me not that I +should spend the night, like the day, in sweet enjoyment: which, though +it seemed somewhat bold, I sang to my love with adoring sighs and an +enchanting melody, wherein the lute also bore its part and with me +besought the maid that she would lend her aid to make my nights as +happy as my days. To all which I had but a cold response: for 'twas a +prudent maid and could at will give me a fitting answer to all my +feigned transports, though I might devise them never so wisely. Yet was +I shy of saying aught of matrimony: and if such were touched on in +conversation, then would I make my speech brief and comprest. Of that +my damsel's married sister took note, and therefore barred all access +for me to my mistress, so that we might not be so often together as +before: for she perceived her sister was deep in love with me, and that +the business would not in such fashion end well. + +There is no need to recount all the follies of my courtship, seeing +that the books of love are full of such. It shall suffice for the +gentle reader to know that at last I was bold to kiss my mistress, and +thereafter to engage in other dalliance: which much desired advances I +pursued with all manner of incitements, till at length I was admitted +by her at night and laid myself by her side as naturally as if I were +her own. And here, as every man knoweth what on such a merry tide is +wont to happen, the reader may well suppose that I dealt dishonourably +with the maiden. But no; for all my purpose was defeated, and I found +such resistance as I had never thought to find in any woman: for her +intent was only for honourable marriage, and though I promised all that +and with the most solemn oaths, yet would she grant me nothing before +wedlock but only this, to lie by her: and there at length, (quite worn +out with disgust,) I fell asleep. But presently thereafter was I rudely +awoke: for at four o'clock of the morning there stood my colonel before +my bed, a pistol in one hand and a torch in the other, and "Croat," he +cries to his servant, that stood by him also with a drawn sword, +"Croat, go fetch the parson as quick as may be!" But I awaking and +seeing in what danger I lay, "Alas," thought I, "make thy peace with +God before this man make an end of thee!" And 'twas all green and +yellow before mine eyes, and I knew not whether I should open them or +not. + +"Thou lewd fellow!" says he to me, "must I find thee thus shaming of +mine house? Should I do thee wrong if I break the neck of thee and of +this baggage that hath been thine whore? Ah, thou beast, how can I +refrain myself that I tear not thy heart from thy body and hew it in +pieces and cast it for the dogs to eat?" And with that he gnashed with +his teeth and rolled his eyes like a wild beast, I knowing not what to +say and my bedfellow able to do naught but weep: yet at last I came to +myself somewhat, and would have pleaded our innocence; but he bid me +hold my peace, and now began upon fresh matter, to wit, how he had +trusted me as a very different man and how I had repaid his trust with +the worst treachery in the world: and thereafter came in his lady wife +and began another brand-new sermon, till I would sooner have lain in a +hedge of thorns: nay, I believe she had not stayed her speech for two +hours or more had not the Croat returned with the parson. + +Now before he came I tried once or twice to arise: but the colonel, +with a fierce aspect, bade me lie still: and so I was taught how little +courage a fellow hath that is caught on an ill errand, and how it fares +with the heart of a thief that hath broken a house and is captured yet +having stolen nothing. For I remember the good old days when, if such a +colonel and two such Croats had fallen foul of me, I had made shift to +put all three to flight: but now there I lay like any malingerer and +had not the heart to use my tongue, let alone my fists. + +"See, master parson," quoth my colonel, "the fair sight to which I must +perforce invite you, to be a witness of my shame"--and hardly had he +said the word in his accustomed tone when he began again to yell +hundred devils and thousand curses, till I could understand nothing of +what he said save of breaking of necks and washing of hands in blood; +for he foamed at the mouth like a wild boar and demeaned himself as if +in truth he would take leave of his senses: I thinking every moment, +"Now will he send a ball through thy head." Yet the good parson did his +best to hinder him from any rash deed whereof he might repent him +afterwards: for "How now; Master Colonel," says he, "how now! Give your +own sound reason room to act, and bethink you of the old saying that to +what is done and cannot be undone it behoves to give the handsomest +name: for this fine young couple (which can hardly be matched in the +land) be not the first, nor will be the last, to be overcome by the +invincible power of love. The fault which they have committed (for a +fault we must needs call it) may by themselves be easily repaired. I +cannot indeed approve this way of matching: yet have these young folks +deserved neither gallows nor wheel, nor hath the Herr Colonel any shame +to expect if he will but keep secret and forgive this fault, which +otherwise no man hath knowledge of, and so give his consent to their +marriage and allow such marriage to be confirmed by public ceremony in +church." + +"What?" says the colonel, "am I, instead of punishing them, to come to +them cap in hand and make them my compliments? Sooner would I when the +day comes have them trussed up together and drowned in the Lippe; nay, +ye shall wed them here and that at once, for to this end I had ye +fetcht: else will I wring the necks of both like hens." + +But as to me, my thought was, "What wilt thou do? Wilt thou eat thy +leek or die? At least 'tis such a maid as thou needest not to be shamed +of: and when thou thinkest of thine own lowly descent, say, art thou +worthy to sit where she puts off her shoes?" Yet loud and long I swore +and asseverated we had wrought no dishonour with one another, but got +only for answer, we should have so behaved that none could suspect evil +of us, whereas by our way of dealing we could quiet no man's doubts. So +were we married by the said clergyman, sitting up in bed, and the +ceremony over, were forced to rise and to leave the house. But I, who +had now recovered myself and felt a sword by my side, must crack my +joke: and "Papa-in-law," says I, "I know not why ye should carry +yourself thus scurvily: when other young folk be wedded their next of +kin do bring them to their bed-chamber, but your worship after my +wedding doth cast me forth, not only from my bed but from the house: +and in place of such congratulation as he should give me on my +marriage, doth grudge me even the sight of my good brother-in-law's +face and my service to him. Verily if this fashion hold, there will be +few friendships bred by weddings in this world." + + + + +_Chap. xxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS HELD HIS WEDDING-FEAST AND HOW HE +PURPOSED TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE + +The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young +maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she +went to bed with me. For though this trick which had been played me +stirred up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not so foolish as to +put my bride to shame. And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I +had a thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my +behaviour in this matter. Now thought I, "Thou art rightly served": and +yet again I considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the +world, which I could not in honour pass over without due revenge. But +when I remembered me that such revenge must harm my father-in-law and +also my gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught. At +one time I was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let +no man see me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit +the chief and greatest folly. At the last I concluded that I would +before all things win my father-in-law's friendship again, and would so +carry myself to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as +if I had made all things ready for my wedding. For, said I to myself, +"Seeing that this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give +it a like end: for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage +and wedded like a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will +be thy portion." + +Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have +lain longer. And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had +married my wife's sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I +now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to +prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and +if he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on +my behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as +would promote a peace between me and him. The which he took upon him to +do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry +fashion how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for +making up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had +in a single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the +bedding. But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning +draught, I was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests +to the wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite +himself. + +The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and +because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my +excuse that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that +bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were +never in their sober senses: but whereas they could play the fool +without attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to +their senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me +in a wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to +enact the sober married man more reasonably. Then he demanded me what +of the dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for +the wedding-feast--for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty. +So I answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one +clause--viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight +again. But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I +hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all +marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellowship. So with +such merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for +from me, I obtained that the commandant and my father-in-law, whom he +undertook to persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper. He sent +likewise a cask of wine and a buck to my kitchen: and I made +preparation as if I were to entertain princes, and indeed brought +together a noble company, which did not only make merry with one +another, but in the face of all men did so reconcile my father and +mother-in-law with me that they gave me more blessing that night than +cursing the night before. And so 'twas noised all over the town that +our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest any ill-natured folk +should play some jest upon us. And me this speedy settlement of things +suited full well. For had I come to be married with my banns called +beforehand, as is the usage, 'twas much to be feared there would have +been some baggages that would have given a world of trouble by way of +hindrance: for I had among the burghers' daughters a round half-dozen +that knew me only too well. + +The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so +well as I by far, being miserly. And then I must first say what +profession I was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my +household: wherein I was first aware that I had now lost my noble +freedom and must live henceforth under orders. Yet I carried myself +obediently and was beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a +prudent gentleman, for his advice, to digest and to follow it: which +speech the commandant approved and said, "This being a brisk young +soldier, it were great folly that in the present wars he should think +to follow any but the soldier's trade: for 'tis far better to stable +one's horse in another man's stall than to feed another's nag in one's +own. And so far as I am concerned, I promise him a company whenever he +will." + +For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more, +but shewed the commandant the merchant's receipt, which had my treasure +in keeping at Cologne. "And this," said I, "I must first fetch away +before I take service with the Swedes: for should they learn that I +served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep +my treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the +roadside." This they approved, and so 'twas concluded promised and +resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to +Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress +and there take command of my company. Furthermore a day was named on +which a company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with +the commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant's regiment. For +Count Götz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his +headquarters at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next +spring, and so was seeking to enlist good soldiers. Yet was this care +of his in vain: for the said Count Götz was, by reason of the defeat of +John de Werth in the Breisgau, forced to leave Westphalia that same +spring and take the field against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine. + + + + +_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE +NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE + + +Things do happen in different fashions. To one man ill luck cometh by +degrees and slowly: another it doth fall upon in a heap. So hardly had +I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave +of her and her friends in my huntsman's dress with my gun upon my +shoulder; and because all the roads were well known to me, I came +luckily to my journey's end without danger threatening. Nay, I was seen +of no man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite +Cologne on this side the Rhine. But I saw many, and specially a peasant +in the land of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart; +and his son was still more like the old Simplicissimus. For the lad was +herding swine as I was passing by: and the swine, scenting me, began to +grunt and the lad to curse: "Thunder and lightning strike them and the +devil fly away with them too!" That the maidservant heard, and cried to +the lad not to curse or she would tell his father. The boy answered, +she might kiss ... and burn her mother too: But the peasant hearing it, +runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, "Wait, thou anointed +rascal, I will teach thee to curse; strike thee blind and the devil +take thy carcase": and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped +him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, "Thou wicked boy," says +he, "I'll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I'll kiss ... for thee; +I'll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother." Which manner of +correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not +such decency and piety as to thank God for bringing me out of such +darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding. +And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained +upon me should endure? + +So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was +just then in his right mind. But when I told him wherefore I had come, +he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw; for the +merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt +and had fled: 'tis true my property had been officially sealed up and +the merchant himself cited to appear; but 'twas greatly doubted if he +would return, because he had taken with him all of value that could +easily be carried; and before the case could be settled much water +might flow under the bridges. How pleasing this news was to me any man +can easily judge. I swore like a trooper, but what availed that? I did +not get my property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so: besides, +I had taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so +could not stay so long as the matter required. Moreover, 'twas +dangerous for me to tarry there; for I had reason to fear that, as now +being attached to an enemy's garrison, I might be found out, and so not +only lose my goods but fall into a still worse plight. Yet for me to +return with the matter unsettled, leave my property wilfully behind, +and have naught to show but the way back instead of the way thither, +seemed to me also unwise. At last I determined I would stay in Cologne +till the case was settled, and let my wife know the reason of my delay: +so I betook myself to an advocate, which was a notary, and told him my +case, begging him to help me with counsel and action, for a proper +reward; and if he hastened on the matter I would make him a good +present besides the fixed fees. And as he hoped to get plenty out of me +he received me willingly and undertook to board and lodge me: and +thereupon next day he went with me to the officers whose business it is +to settle bankrupts' affairs, and handed in a certified copy of the +merchant's acknowledgment, and produced the original: to which the +answer was, we must be patient till the full examination of the matter, +inasmuch as the things of which the acknowledgment spoke were not all +to be found. + +So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I +wished to see somewhat of life in great cities. My host was, as I have +said, a notary and advocate: besides which he had half a dozen lodgers, +and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to +travellers: moreover he had both a German and an Italian groom, that +could be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses, +so that with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he +not only earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal: +for because no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make +money in all manner of ways. I did learn much in the time I was with +him, and especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the +chiefest art of the doctor of medicine. For they say if the doctor do +but know the disease, then is the patient already half cured. Now 'twas +my host that furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I +began with him, and thereafter to examine the condition of other +persons. And many a one I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his +own sickness at all and that was held by his neighbours--yea, and by +the doctors too--to be a hale and hearty man. So did I find people that +were sick with evil temper, and when this disease attacked them their +visages were changed like those of devils, they roared like lions, +scratched like cats, laid about them like bears, bit like dogs, and to +shew themselves even worse than savage animals they would throw about +everything that they could get into their hands, like madmen. 'Tis said +this disease ariseth from the gall; but I do rather believe its origin +is in this, that a fool hath a fool's pride: so if thou hear an angry +man rage, especially about a small matter, be thou bold to believe that +man hath more pride than sense. From this disease followeth endless +mischance both for the patient and for others: for the patient, palsy, +gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal death also). Yet can we +with a good conscience refuse to call such men patients, be they never +so dangerously ill, for patience is what they most do lack. Some, too, +I saw quite sick with envy, of whom 'tis said that they eat their own +hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and sad. And this disease +do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming directly from the devil +himself, though yet it spring from mere good fortune which the sick +man's enemy doth enjoy: and he that can quite cure such an one may +wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner to the Christian +belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians, which have a +jealousy only of sin and vice. The gaming passion I hold likewise for a +disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but specially +because they that are infected therewith are mad after the thing as if +poisoned: it hath its rise from idleness and not from greed, as some do +judge; and if thou take away from a man the chances of lust and +idleness, that sickness will of itself depart. Likewise I found that +gluttony is a disease: and that it cometh from habit and not from +overmuch wealth. Poverty is indeed a good protective against it, but +'tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich misers +that starved. It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it, and +that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so +that these patients commonly must of themselves be healed when it comes +to this, that either from poverty or from disease they can devour no +more. As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having its rise in +ignorance: for if a man do but know himself and remember whence he is +and whither he goeth, 'tis clean impossible that he can go on in his +foolish pride. When I do see a peacock or a turkey-cock strut and +gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts +can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady: yet have I +never been able to find a special remedy against it: for they that are +sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen. +Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for +Philemon died of it and Democritus was till his end sick of it. And so +nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died. 'Tis said it +hath its origin in the liver: but I do believe it cometh from +immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man: nor +is it needful to present a remedy for it, since 'tis not only a merry +madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it. Nor +less did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the +female sex: 'tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous, +seeing that we all must pay for our first mother's curiosity. Of the +rest, as sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the passions of love, +and the like, I will for this turn say naught, since 'twas never my +intent to write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed +gave me the hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he +himself was utterly ruled and possessed by greed. + + + + +_Chap. xxiv._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN + + +The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he +scraped together money: he fed with his guests and not his guests with +him, and he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money +they brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it: but he fed us +Swabian fashion and kept a mighty deal back. At the first I ate not +with his guests but with his children and household, because I had +little money with me: there were but little morsels, that were like +Spanish fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty +Westphalian diet. No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only +what had been carried away a week before from the students' table, +pretty well hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as +Methuselah. Over this the hostess, who must do the cooking herself (for +he would pay for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kind of +gravy and bedevilled it with pepper. Yet though the bones were sucked +so dry that one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet +done with, but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when +our miser had a sufficient quantity, they must be chopped up fine and +all the fat that remained boiled out of them. I know not whether this +was used for seasoning soup or greasing shoes. But on fast-days, of +which there happened more than enough, and which were all religiously +observed (for therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of +our teeth on stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other +decayed marine creatures: for he bought all with regard to cheapness +only, and grudged not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and +to pick up what the fishmongers themselves were about to throw away. +Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer +which wellnigh burst my belly, and yet must pass as fine old October. +Besides all this, I learned from his German servant that in summer-time +'twas yet worse: for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of +maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner +and a handful of salad at supper. So I asked him why did he stay with +the old miser. He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must +count more on the drink-money of travellers than on that mouldy old +Jew, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the +cellar-key, for he grudged them even a drop of wine, and, in a word, +was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find; what I had +seen up till now, said he, was nothing: if I did but stay there for a +while I should perceive that he was not ashamed to skin a flea for its +fat. Once, said he, the old fellow had brought home six pounds of tripe +or chitterlings and put it in his larder: but to the great delight of +his children the grating chanced to be open: so they tied a tablespoon +to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up +half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out 'twas the cat had done it. +That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and +weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so +much as his chitterlings. + +Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat +at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students, +however much it might cost: and there 'twas certainly more royal fare; +yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us +were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways--first in +fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our +appetite: yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched +his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal. His wine, too, was +well watered and not of a kind to aid digestion: and the cheese which +was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch +butter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at +breakfast; as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it +was ripe and fit to eat; and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would +begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear: but +secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way. + +Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present: +this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have +game to our dinner: but the German servant said to me we need not lick +our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders +that he need not serve them such dainties; I should go to the Old +Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for +sale. So I cut a bit out of the hare's ear, and as we sat at our midday +meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a +hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would +follow me; for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get +the hare too. Every one of them consented; for they had long desired to +play our host a trick of which he could not complain. So that afternoon +we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the +servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught +for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a +farthing. There we found him in talk with some of the nobles. Now I had +engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to +say, "Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property: +last night 'twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up +willingly, 'tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court." The +huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter: for there stood +the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell; and he +could surely not have stolen it. So as they disputed, they gathered a +crowd round them; which when our miser was ware of and saw which way +the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for +by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame. But the +fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present +the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he +was right and voted him the hare. Meanwhile I drew near with my +company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had +the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we were agreed I +presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it +served up at our table: but the fellow I had engaged with I paid, +instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer. +So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and +dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh: and had I +meant to stay longer in his house, I would have shewn him a few more +such tricks. + + + + + +BOOK IV + + + + +_Chap. i._: HOW AND FOR WHAT REASON THE HUNTSMAN WAS JOCKEYED AWAY INTO +FRANCE + + +If you sharpen a razor too much you will notch the edge, and if you +overbend the bow, at last 'twill break. The trick I played on my host +with the hare was not enough for me, but I devised others to punish his +insatiable greed. So did I teach the boarders to water the salted +butter and so to get rid of the overplus salt; yea, and to grate the +hard cheese like the Parmesans and moisten it with wine, all which +things were to the miser like stabs in his heart. Nay, by my conjuring +tricks at table I drew the water out of the wine, and made a song in +which I compared the skinflint to a sow, from which there was no good +to be looked for till the butcher had her dead upon the trestles. And +so I myself furnished the reason why he paid me, and that well, with +the trick ye shall now hear: for 'twas not my business to play such +pranks in his house. + +The two young nobles that were his boarders received a letter of +exchange, and the command to go into France and there to learn the +language, just at a time when our host's German groom was on his +travels and elsewhere, and to the Italian, said he, he dared not trust +his horses to him to take into France, for he knew little of him and +feared he might forget to come back, and so should he lose his horses: +and therefore he begged of me to do him the greatest service in the +world and to accompany those two noblemen with his horses as far as +Paris, for in any case my suit could not be argued before four weeks +were over; and he for his part would, if I would give him full powers, +so faithfully further my interests as if I were there in person +present. The young noblemen besought me also to the same end, and mine +own desire to see France counselled me thereto: for now could I do this +without special expense, and otherwise must spend those four weeks in +idleness and spend money too. So I took to the road with my two +noblemen, riding as their postilion; and on the way there happened to +me nothing of note. But when we came to Paris and there put up at the +house of our host's correspondent, where also the young noblemen had +their letter of exchange honoured, the very next day not only was I +with the horses arrested, but a fellow that gave out that my host owed +him a sum of money seized upon the beasts, with the leave of the +commissary of the Quartier, and sold them. The Lord only doth know what +I said to all this: but there I sat like a graven image and could not +help myself, far less devise how I could return along a road so long +and at that time so dangerous. The two noblemen shewed me great +sympathy, and therefore honourably gave me a larger gratification: nor +would they have me leave them before I should find either a good master +or a good opportunity to return to Germany. So they hired them a +lodging, and for some days I stayed with them to wait upon one of them, +which by reason of the long journey, as being unused thereto, was +indisposed. And as I shewed myself so polite to him he gave to me all +the clothing he put off: for he would be clad in the newest mode. Their +counsel was, I should stay a couple of years in Paris, and learn the +language: for what I had to fetch from Cologne would not run away. So +as I halted between two opinions and knew not what to do, the doctor +which came every day to cure my sick nobleman heard me once play on the +lute and sing a German ditty to it, which pleased him so that he +offered me a good salary, together with board at his own table, if I +would live with him and teach his two sons: for he knew better than I +how my affairs stood and that I should not refuse a good master. Thus +were we soon agreed, for, both the noblemen furthered the business all +they could, and greatly recommended me: yet would I not engage myself +save from one quarter of a year to the next. + +The doctor spoke German as well as I did and Italian like his mother +tongue: and therefore I was the more pleased to take service with him: +and as I sat at my last meal with my noblemen, he was there too, and +there all manner of sad fancies came into my head: for I thought of my +newly wedded wife, the ensigncy promised me, and my treasure at +Cologne, all which I let myself so easily be persuaded to leave: and as +we came to speak of our former host I had a whim, and said I over the +table, "Who knoweth whether, perhaps, our host have not of intention +trepanned me hither that he may claim and keep my property at Cologne?" +The doctor answered it might very well be so, especial if he deemed me +a fellow of no family. "Nay," said one of the nobles, "if our friend +was sent here to the end he should stay here, 'twas done because he so +plagued the host on account of his avarice." "Nay," said the sick man, +"I believe there is another reason: for as I stood of late in my +chamber I heard the host talk loud with his Italian man; so I listened +to hear what 'twas all about, and at last from the servant's broken +German I understood that the huntsman had accused him to the man's wife +of not tending the horses well: all which the jealous knave, by reason +of the man's imperfect speech, understood wrongly and in a +dishonourable way, and therefore told the Italian he need but wait, for +the huntsman should presently be gone." Since then, too, he had looked +askance upon his wife and grumbled at her more than before, which I had +myself remarked in the fool. Then said the doctor, "From whatever cause +'twas done, I am content that matters have so turned out that he must +remain here. But be not dismayed; I will at the first good opportunity +help you back to Germany. Only write ye to the man at Cologne to have a +care of the money, or he will be called sharply to account. And this +also doth raise suspicion in me that 'tis a plot--namely, that he that +gave himself out for the creditor is a very good friend both of your +host and of his correspondent here, and I do believe the bond, on which +he seized and sold the horses, was brought here by yourself." + + + + +_Chap. ii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND A BETTER HOST THAN BEFORE + + +So Monsieur Canard (for so was my new master called) offered to help me +in word and deed, that I might not lose my property at Cologne; for he +saw how much it troubled me. So as soon as he had me to his house, he +begged I would tell him exactly how my affairs stood, that he might +understand and so devise how I might best be helped. Thereupon I +thought 'twould avail me little if I revealed mine own poor birth, and +so gave out I was a poor German nobleman that had neither father nor +mother, but only some kinsfolk in a fortress wherein was a Swedish +garrison; all which, said I, I had perforce concealed from my host at +Cologne and my two noblemen, as being all of the emperor's party, that +they might not confiscate my money as the enemy's property. My +intention it was, said I, to write to the commandant of the said +fortress, in whose regiment I had been promised an ensigncy, and not +only inform him in what fashion I had been deluded hither but also to +beg him to have the goodness to take possession of my property, and in +the meantime, until I could find opportunity to return to my regiment, +to put it at the disposition of my friends. This plan the good Canard +thought good, and promised me to forward the letters to their proper +place though it were in Mexico or even in China. Accordingly I prepared +letters to my wife, to my father-in-law, and to the colonel S(aint) +A(ndré), commandant in Lippstadt, to whom I addressed the whole packet, +and enclosed the two others. The contents were: that I would present +myself again as speedily as might be, if only I could get the means to +perform so long a journey, and begged both my father-in-law and the +colonel to do their best to endeavour to recover my property by +military process before the grass was grown over it, and gave them a +full list of the amounts in gold, silver, and jewels. All these letters +I drew up in duplicate: and one copy Monsieur Canard took charge of: +the other copy I did entrust to the post, that if one copy should go +astray, the other at least might arrive safely. + +So now was I at ease in my mind again, and was the more able to teach +my master's two sons, which were brought up like young princes: for +because Monsieur Canard was rich, therefore was he beyond all measure +proud, and must make a display; the which disease he had taken from the +great men, with whom he daily had to do, and aped their ways. His house +was like a prince's court, of which it wanted nothing save that none +ever called him "gracious sir," and his conceit was so great that he +would treat a marquis, when such came to visit him, as no better than +himself. He was ready to help poor folk, and would take no small fees, +but forgave them the money that his name might be more renowned. And +because I was ever desirous of knowledge, and because I knew that he +made much show of my person when I followed him with his other servants +on a visit to some great man, I would help him in his laboratory in the +preparation of his medicines. Thus was I become well acquainted with +him, and that the more because it ever pleased him to speak the German +tongue: so once on a time I said to him, why did he not write himself +down as "of" his nobleman's residence which he had newly bought near +Paris for 20,000 crowns, and why he would make simple doctors of his +sons and would have them to study so hard. Were it not better, since he +himself had a title of nobility, to buy them offices, as did other +chevaliers, and so bring them entirely into the class of nobles? "Nay," +he answered, "if I visit a prince, to me 'tis said, 'Master doctor, be +seated,' but to a nobleman, 'Wait thy turn!'" So said I, "But doth the +doctor not know that a physician hath three faces--the first, an +angel's, when the sick man sees him first; the second, God's own, when +he can help the sick; and the third, the devil's own, when a man is +healed and can be rid of him? And so this honour of which ye speak doth +but last so long as the sick man is plagued in his belly: but when 'tis +over and the grumbling past there hath the honour an end, and 'Master +Doctor,' quoth'a, 'there is the door!' And so the nobleman hath more +honour in standing than the doctor in sitting, namely, because he +waiteth ever on his own prince and hath the honour never to leave his +side. Did ye not of late Master Doctor, take of a prince's excrement +into your mouth to try the taste? Now I do say, I would sooner stand +and wait for ten years than meddle with another man's dung, yea, even +though I was bidden to be seated on beds of roses." To that he +answered, "That I need not to have done, but did it willingly, that the +prince might see how desperate anxious I was to understand his +condition, and so my fee might be greater: and why should I not meddle +with another's dirt, that payeth me perhaps a hundred pistoles for it, +and I pay him naught that must eat filth of another kind at my bidding? +Ye talk of the thing like a German: and were ye not a German I had +said, ye talk like a fool." + +With that saying I was content, for I saw he would presently be angry, +and to bring him again into a good humour I begged him he would forgive +my simplicity and began to talk of pleasanter matters. + + + + +_Chap. iii._: HOW HE BECAME A STAGE PLAYER AND GOT HIMSELF A NEW NAME + + +Now as Monsieur Canard had more game to throw away than many have to +eat, which yet have their own preserves, and thus more meat was sent to +him by way of present than he and all his people could eat, so had he +also daily many parasites, so that it seemed as if he kept open house. +And once on a time there visited him the king's Master of the +Ceremonies and other high personages, for whom he prepared a princely +collation, as knowing well whom he needed to keep as his friends, +namely, those that were ever about the king or stood well with him: and +to shew them his great goodwill and give them every pleasure, he begged +that I would, to honour him and to please the high personages present, +let them hear a German song sung to the lute. This I did willingly, +being in the mood (for commonly musicians be whimsical people), and so +busied myself to play my best, and did so please the company that the +Master of the Ceremonies said 'twas great pity I could not speak +French: for so could he commend me greatly to the king and queen. But +my master, that feared lest I might be taken from his service, answered +him, I was of noble birth and thought not to sojourn long in France, +and so could hardly be used as a common musician. Thereupon the Master +of the Ceremonies said he had never in his life found united in one +person such rare beauty, so fine a voice, and such admirable skill upon +the lute: and presently, said he, a comedy was to be played before the +king at the Louvre: and could he but have my services, he hoped to get +great honour thereby. This Monsieur Canard did interpret to me: and I +answered, if they would but tell me what person I was to represent and +what manner of songs I was to sing, I could learn both tune and words +by heart and sing them to my lute, even if they were in the French +tongue: for perhaps my understanding might be as good as that of a +schoolboy such as they commonly use for such parts, though these must +first learn both words and actions by heart. + +So when the Master of the Ceremonies saw me so willing, he would have +me promise to come to him next day in the Louvre to try if I was fit +for the part: and at the time appointed I was there. The tunes of the +songs I had to sing I could play at once perfectly upon the lute; for I +had the notes before me: and thereafter I received the French words, to +learn them by heart and likewise to pronounce them, all which were +interpreted for me in German, that I might use the actions fitted to +the songs. All this was easy enough to me, and I was ready before any +could have expected it, and that so perfectly (as Monsieur Canard +declared) that ninety-nine out of a hundred that heard me sing would +have sworn I was a born Frenchman. And when we came together for the +first rehearsal, I did behave myself so plaintively with my songs, +tunes, and actions that all believed I had often played the part of +Orpheus, which I must then represent, and shew myself vexed for the +loss of my Eurydice. And in all my life I have never had so pleasant a +day as that on which our comedy was played. Monsieur Canard gave me +somewhat to make my voice clearer: but when he tried to improve my +beauty with oleum talci and to powder my curly hair that shone so black +he found he did but spoil all. So now was I crowned with a wreath of +laurel and clad in an antique sea-green robe in which all could see my +neck, the upper part of my breast, my arms above the elbow and my +knees, all bare and naked. About it was wrapped a flesh-coloured cloak +of taffety that was more like a flag than a cloak: and in this attire I +languished over my Eurydice, called on Venus for help in a pretty song, +and at last led off my bride: in all which action I did play my part +excellently, and gazed upon my love with sighs and speaking eyes. But +when I had lost my Eurydice, then did I put on a dress of black +throughout, made like the other, from out of which my white skin shone +like snow. In this did I lament my lost wife, and did conjure up the +case so piteously that in the midst of my sad tunes and melodies the +tears would burst forth and my weeping choked the passage of my song: +yet did I play my part right well till I came before Pluto and +Proserpina in hell. To them I represented in a most moving song their +own love that they bore to each other, and begged them to judge thereby +with what great grief I and my Eurydice must have parted, and prayed +with the most piteous actions (and all the time I sang to my lute) they +would give her leave to return to me: and when they had said me "Yes," +I took my leave with a joyful song to them, and was clever enough so to +change my face, my actions, and my voice to a joyful tune that all that +saw me were astonished. But when I again lost my Eurydice all +unexpectedly I did fancy to myself the greatest danger wherein a man +could find himself, and thereupon became so pale as if I would faint +away: for inasmuch as I was then alone upon the stage and all +spectators looked on me, I played my part the more carefully and got +therefrom the praise of having acted the best. Thereafter I set me on a +rock and began to deplore the loss of my bride with piteous words and a +most mournful melody, and to summon all creatures to weep with me: upon +that, all manner of wild beasts and tame, mountains, trees, and the +like flocked round me, so that in truth it seemed as if 'twere all so +done in unnatural fashion by enchantment. Nor did I make any mistake at +all till the end: but then when I had renounced the company of all +women, had been murdered by the Bacchantes and cast into the water +(which had been so prepared that one could see only my head, for the +rest of my body was beneath the stage in perfect safety), where the +dragon was to devour me, and the fellow that was inside the dragon to +work it could not see my head and so did let the dragon's head wag +about close to mine, this seemed to me so laughable that I could not +choose but make a wry face, which the ladies that looked hard upon me +failed not to perceive. + +From this comedy I earned, besides the high praise that all gave me, +not only an excellent reward, but I got me yet another nickname, for +thenceforth the French would call me naught but "Beau Alman." And as +'twas then carnival-time, many such plays and ballets were represented, +in all which I was employed: but at last I found I was envied by others +because I mightily attracted the spectators, and in especial the women, +to turn their eyes on me: so I made an end of it, and that particularly +because I received much offence on one occasion, when, as I fought with +Achelous for Dejanira, as Hercules, and almost naked, I was so grossly +treated as is not usual in a stage-play. + +By this means I became known to many high personages, and it seemed as +if fortune would again shine upon me: for 'twas even offered me to +enter the king's service, of which many a great Jack hath not the +chance: yet I refused: but much time I spent with ladies of quality +that would have me sing and play to them, for both my person and my +playing pleased them. Nor will I deny that I gave myself up to the +temptations of the Frenchwomen, that entertained me secretly and +rewarded me with many gifts for my services, till in the end I was +wearied of so vile and shameful a trade, and determined so to play the +fool no longer. + + +NOTE.--The fourth and fifth chapters of the original edition are +devoted to a prolix and tedious account of an adventure--if adventure +it may be called--of the kind hinted at in the last sentence of the +third chapter. It is absolutely without connection with +Simplicissimus's career as an actor in the war; has no interest as a +picture of manners; and finally, can be read much better in Bandello, +from whose much livelier story (vol. iv., novel 25, of the complete +editions) it is copied. It is therefore omitted here. + + + + +_Chap. iv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DEPARTED SECRETLY AND HOW HE BELIEVED +HE HAD THE NEAPOLITAN DISEASE + + +By this my occupation I gathered together so many gratifications both +in money and in things of worth that I was troubled for their safety, +and I wondered no longer that women do betake themselves to the stews +and do make a trade of this same beastly and lewd pursuit; since it is +so profitable. But now I did begin to take this matter to heart, not +indeed for any fear of God or prick of conscience, but because I +dreaded that I might be caught in some such trick and paid according to +my deserts. So now I planned to come back to Germany, and that the more +so because the commandant at Lippstadt had written to me he had caught +certain merchants of Cologne, whom he would not let go out of his hands +till my goods were first delivered to him: item, that he still kept for +me the ensigncy he had promised, and would expect me to take it up +before the spring: for if I came not then he must bestow it upon +another. And with his letter my wife sent me one also full of all +loving assurances of her hope to have me back. (Had she but known how I +had lived she had surely sent me a greeting of another sort.) + +Now could I well conceive 'twould be hard to have my congé from +Monsieur Canard, and so did I determine to depart secretly so soon as I +could find opportunity: which (to my great misfortune) I found. For as +I met on a time certain officers of the Duke of Weimar's army, I gave +them to understand I was an ensign of the regiment of colonel S(aint) +A(ndré) and had been a long time in Paris on mine own affairs, yet now +was resolved to return to my regiment, and so begged they would take me +as their travelling-companion on their journey back. So they told me +the day of their departure and were right willing to take me with them: +thereupon I bought me a nag and made my provision for the journey as +secretly as I could, got together my money (which was in all some 500 +doubloons, all which I had earned from those shameless women), and +without asking leave of Monsieur Canard went off with them; yet did I +write to him, and did date the letter from Maestricht; so as he might +think I was gone to Cologne: in this I took leave of him, with the +excuse that I could stay no longer when my business at home required my +presence. + +But two nights out from Paris 'twas with me as with one that hath the +erysipelas, and my head did so ache that next morning I could not rise: +and that in a poor village where I could have no doctor and, what was +worse, none to wait upon me: for the officers rode on their way next +morning and left me there, sick to death, as one that concerned them +not: yet did they commend me and my horse to the host at their +departure and left a message for the mayor of the place that he should +have respect to me as an officer that served the king. So there I lay +for a couple of days and knew naught of myself, but babbled like a +fool. Then they fetched the priest to me: but he could get nothing +reasonable from me: and since he saw he could not heal my soul he +thought on means to help my body as far as might be, to which end he +had me bled and a sudorific given me, and had me put into a warm bed to +sweat. This served me so well that the same night I did know where I +was and whence I had come and that I was sick. Next morning came the +said priest to me again and found me desperate: for not only had my +money all been stolen, but I did believe I had (saving your presence) +the French disease: for I had deserved this more than my pistoles, and +I was spotted over my whole body like a leopard: nor could I either +walk or stand, or sit or lie: and now was my patience at an end: for +though I could not well believe 'twas God had given me the gold I had +lost, yet was I now so reckless that I saw 'twas the devil had stolen +it from me! Yea, and I behaved as if I were quite desperate, so that +the good priest had much ado to comfort me, seeing that the shoe +pinched me in two places. + +"My friend," says he, "behave yourself like a reasonable man, even if +ye cannot embrace your cross like a good Christian. What do ye? Will ye +with your money also lose your life and, what is more, your hopes of +eternal salvation?" So I answered I cared not for the money; if I could +but be rid of this accursed sickness or were at least in a place where +I could be cured. "Ye must have patience," answered the priest, "as +must the poor children of whom there lie in this place over fifty sick +of this disease." So when I heard that children also were sick of it, I +was straightway cheered, for I could not well suppose that such would +catch that filthy disease: so I reached for my valise to see what might +still be there: but save my linen there was naught there but a casket +with a lady's portrait, set round with rubies, that one at Paris had +presented to me. The portrait I took out and gave the rest to the +priest with the request he would turn it into money in the next town, +so that I might have somewhat to live upon. Of which the end was that I +got scarce the third part of its worth, and since that lasted not long +my nag must go too: all which barely kept me till the pock-holes began +to dry and I to get better. + + + + +_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS PONDERED ON HIS PAST LIFE, AND HOW WITH +THE WATER UP TO HIS MOUTH HE LEARNED TO SWIM + + +Wherewithal a man sinneth, therewith is he wont to be punished. This +smallpox did so handle me that thenceforward I needed not to fear the +women. I got such holes in my face that I looked like a barn-floor +whereon they have threshed peas: yea, I became so foul of aspect that +my fine curls in which so many women had been tangled were shamed of me +and left their home: in place of which I got others that were so like a +hog's bristles that I must needs wear a wig, and even as outwardly no +beauty remained to me, so also my sweet voice departed--for I had had +my throat full of sores. Mine eyes, that heretofore none ever found to +lack the fire of love enough to kindle any heart, were now as red and +watery as those of any old wife of eighty years that hath the spleen. +And above all I was in a foreign land, knew neither dog nor man that +would treat me fairly, was ignorant of their language, and had no money +left. + +So now I first began to reflect, and to lament the noble opportunities +which had aforetime been granted to me for the furthering of my +fortunes, which yet I had so wantonly let go by. I looked back and +marked how my extraordinary luck in war and my treasure-trove had been +naught but a cause and preparation for my ill fortune, which had never +been able to cast me so far down had it not by a false countenance +first raised me so high. Yea, I found that the good things that had +happened to me, and which I had accounted truly good, had been truly +bad, and had brought me to the depth of misery. Now was there no longer +a hermit to deal so faithfully with me, no Colonel Ramsay to rescue me +in my need, no priest to give me good advice; and, in a word, no one +man that would do me a good turn: but when my money was gone I was told +to be off and find a place elsewhere, and might, like the prodigal son, +be glad to herd with the swine. So now first I bethought me of that +priest's good advice, that counselled I should employ my youth and my +wealth for study: but 'twas too late to shut the stable-door now that +the horse was stolen. O swift and miserable change! Four weeks ago I +was a fellow to move princes to wonder, to charm women, and that made +the people believe me a masterpiece of nature, yea an angel, but now so +wretched that the very dogs did bark at me. I bethought me a thousand +times what I must do: for the host turned me from the door so soon as I +could pay no more. Gladly would I have enlisted, but no recruiting +officer would take me as a soldier, for I looked like a scarecrow: work +could I not, for I was still too weak, and besides used to no +handicraft. Nothing did comfort me more than that 'twas now summer +coming, and I could at a pinch lodge behind any hedge, for none would +suffer me in any house. I had my fine apparel still, that I had had +made for my journey, besides a valise full of costly linen that none +would buy from me as fearing I might saddle him also with the disease. +This I set on my shoulder, my sword in my hand and the road under my +feet, which led me to a little town that even possessed an apothecary's +shop. Into this I went, and bade him make me an ointment to do away the +pock-marks on my face, and because I had no money I gave him a fine +soft shirt; for he was not so nice as the other fools that would take +no clothes of me. For, I thought, if thou art but rid of these vile +spots, 'twill soon better thy case for thee. + +Yea, and I took the more heart because the apothecary assured me that +in a week one would see little except the deep scars that the sores +had eaten in my face. 'Twas market-day there, and there too was a +tooth-drawer that earned much money, in return for which he was always +ready with his ribald jests for the crowd. "O fool," says I to myself, +"why dost thou not also set up such a trade? Beest thou so long with +Monsieur Canard, and hast not learned enough to deceive a simple +peasant and get thy victuals? Then must thou be a poor creature +indeed." + + + + +_Chap. vi._: HOW HE BECAME A VAGABOND QUACK AND A CHEAT + + +Now at that time was I as hungry as a hunter: for my belly was not to +be appeased; and yet I had naught in my poke save a single golden ring +with a diamond that was worth some twenty crowns. This I sold for +twelve: and because I could plainly see these would last but for a time +if I could earn nothing besides, I determined to turn doctor. So I +bought me the materials for an electuary and made it up: likewise out +of herbs, roots, butter, and aromatic oils a green salve for all +wounds, wherewith one might have cured a galled horse: also out of +calamine, gravel, crab's-eyes, emery, and pumice-stone a powder to make +the teeth white: furthermore a blue tincture out of lye, copper, sal +ammoniac and camphor, to cure scurvy, toothache, and eye-ache. Likewise +I got me a number of little boxes of tin and wood to put my wares in; +and to make a reputable show I had me a bill composed and printed in +French, on which could be read for what purpose each of these remedies +was fitted. And in three days I was ended with my task, and had scarce +spent three crowns on my drugs and gallipots when I left the town. So I +packed all up and determined to walk from one village to another as far +as Alsace and to dispose of my wares on the way, and thereafter, if +opportunity offered, to get to the Rhine at Strassburg to betake myself +with the traders to Cologne, and from there to make my way to my wife. +Which design was good, but the plan failed altogether. + +Now the first time I took my stand before a church with my wares and +offered them my gain was small indeed, for I was far too shamefaced, +and neither would my talk nor my bragging patter run well: and from +that I saw at once I must go another way to work if I would gain money. +So I went with my trumpery into the inn, and at dinner I learned from +the host that in the afternoon all manner of folk would come together +under the lime-tree before his house. And there he said I might sell +something, if only my wares were good: but there were so many rogues in +the land that people were mightily chary of their money unless they had +real proof before their eyes that the medicine was truly good. + +So when I found where the shoe pinched I got me a half-wineglass full +of strong Strassburg Branntwein, and caught a kind of toad called +Reling or Möhmlein, that in spring and summer sits in dirty pools and +croaks, gold colour or nearly salmon colour with black spots on its +belly, most hateful to see. Such an one I put in a wineglass with water +and set it by my wares on a table under the lime-tree. And when the +people began to gather together and stood round me, some thought I +would, with the tongs that I had borrowed from the hostess, pull out +teeth. But I began thus: "My masters and goot frients (for I could +still speak but little French), I be no tooths-cracker, only I haf goot +watter for ze eye, zat make all ze running go way from ze red eye." +"Yea," says one, "that can one see by thine own eyes, that be like to +two will-o'-the-wisps." "And zat is true," says I, "but if I had not ze +watter sure I were quite blint: besides, I sell not ze watter. Ze +elegtuary and ze powder for ze white tooths and ze wound-salve, zese +will I sell, but ze watter I gif avay mit dem! For I be no quack nor no +cheater: I do sell mine elegtuary: and when I haf tried it, if it +blease you not you needs not to puy it." + +So I bade one of them that stood by to choose any one of my boxes of +electuary, out of which I made a pill as large as a pea, and put it +into my Branntwein, which the people took for water, and there pounded +it up and then picked up the toad with the tongs out of the water-glass +and said, "See, my goot frients, if this fenomous worm do drink mine +elegtuary wizout dying, so is ze ting no goot, and zenn puy it not." +With that I put the poor toad, that had been born in water and could +bear no other element or liquor, into the Branntwein, and held it +covered in with a paper so that he could not leap out: which began to +struggle and to wriggle, yea, to do worse than if I had thrown him upon +red-hot coals, for the Branntwein was much too strong for him: and +after a short time he died and stretched out his four legs. At that the +peasants opened their mouths and their purses too when they saw so +plain a proof with their own eyes: for now they believed there could be +no better electuary on earth than mine, and I had enough to do to wrap +up the stuff in the printed papers and take money for it. + +For some of them did buy three, four, five, six times so much, that +they might at need be provided with so sure an antidote against poison: +yea, they bought also for their friends and kinsfolk that dwelt in +other places, so that from this foolery (though 'twas no market-day) I +gained by the evening ten crowns, and still kept more than the half of +my wares. The same night I betook myself to another village, as fearing +lest some peasant should be so curious as to put a toad in water to try +the virtue of my electuary, and if it should fail my back should suffer +for it. + +But to shew the excellence of my antidote in another way, I made me, of +meal, saffron, and galls, a yellow arsenic, and of meal and vitriol a +sublimate of mercury; and when I would show the effect of it I had +ready two like glasses of fresh water on the table, whereof one was +pretty strongly mixed with aqua fortis: into this I stirred a little of +my electuary and dropped in as much of my two poisons as was needed: +then was one water, that had no electuary (but also no aqua fortis) in +it, as black as ink, while the other, by reason of the aqua fortis, +remained as it was. "Aha," said they all, "see, that is truly a +marvellous electuary for so little money!" And then when I poured both +together again the whole was clear once more: at that the good peasants +dragged out their purses and bought of me: which not only helped my +hungry belly, but also I could take horse again, earned much money on +the way, and so came safely to the German border. + +And so, my dear country-folks, put not your faith in quacks: or ye will +be deceived by them, since they seek not your health but your wealth. + + + + +_Chap. vii._: HOW THE DOCTOR WAS FITTED WITH A MUSQUET UNDER CAPTAIN +CURMUDGEON + + +Now as I passed through Lorraine, my wares gave out, and because I must +avoid garrison-towns I had no chance to get more: so must I devise +another plan till I could make electuary again. So I bought me two +measures of Branntwein and coloured it with saffron, and sold it in +half-ounce glasses to the people as a gold water of great price, good +against fever, and so my two measures brought me in thirty gulden. But +my little glasses running short, and I hearing of a glass-maker that +dwelt in the county of Fleckenstein, I betook myself thither to equip +myself afresh, but seeking for by-paths was by chance caught by a +picket from Philippsburg that was quartered in the castle of +Wagelnburg, and so lost all that I had wrung out of the people by my +cheats on the journey; and because the peasant that went with me to +shew the way told the fellows I was a doctor, as a doctor I must +willy-nilly be taken to Philippsburg. There was I examined and spared +not to say who I was in truth; which they believed not, but would make +more of me than I could well be: for I should and must remain a doctor. +Then must I swear I belonged to the Emperor's dragoons in Soest and +declare on my oath all that had happened to me from then to now and +what I now intended. "But," said they, "the Emperor had need of +soldiers as much at Philippsburg as at Soest: and so would they give me +entertainment, till I had good opportunity to come to my regiment: but +if this plan was not to my taste, I might content myself to remain in +prison and be treated as a doctor till I should be released; for as a +doctor I had been taken." + +So I came down from a horse to a donkey, and must become a musqueteer +against my will: which vexed me mightily, for want was master there, +and the rations terrible small: I say not to no purpose "terrible" for +I was terrified every morning when I received mine: for I knew I must +make that suffice for the whole day which I could have made away with +at a meal without trouble. And to tell truth 'tis a poor creature, a +musqueteer, that must so pass his life in a garrison, and make dry +bread suffice him--yea, and not half enough of that: for he is naught +else than a prisoner that prolongs his miserable life with the bread +and water of tribulation: nay, a prisoner hath the better lot, for he +needs neither to watch, nor to go the rounds, nor stand sentry, but +lies at rest and has as much hope as any such poor garrison-soldier in +time at length to get out of his prison. 'Tis true there were some that +bettered their condition, and that in divers ways, but none that +pleased me and seemed to me a reputable way to gain my food. For some +in this miserable plight took to themselves wives (yea, the most vile +women at need) for no other cause than to be kept by the said women's +work, either with sewing, washing and spinning, or with selling of old +clothes and higgling, or even with stealing: there was a she-ensign +among the women that drew her pay as a corporal: another was a midwife, +and so earned many a good meal for herself and her husband: another +could starch and wash: others laundered for the unmarried soldiers and +officers shirts, stockings, sleeping-breeches and I know not what else, +from which they had each her special name. Others did sell tobacco and +provide pipes for the fellows that had need of them: others dealt in +Branntwein: another was a seamstress, and could do all manner of +embroidery and cut patterns to earn money: another gained a livelihood +from the fields only; in winter she gathered snails, in spring +salad-herbs, in summer she took birds'-nests, and in autumn she would +gather fruit of all kinds: a few carried wood for sale like asses, and +others traded with this and that. Yet to gain my support in such a way +was not for me: for I had a wife already. Other fellows did gain a +livelihood by play, for at that they were better than sharpers and +could get their simple comrades' money from them with false dice: but +such a profession I loathed. Others toiled like beasts of burden at the +ramparts; but for that I was too lazy: and some knew and could practise +a trade, but I, poor creature, had learned none such: 'tis true if any +had had need of a musician I could have filled the place well, but that +land of hunger was content with drums and fifes. Some stood sentry for +others and night and day came never off duty, but I would sooner starve +than so torment my body: some got them booty by expeditions: but I was +not even trusted to go outside the gates: others could go a-mousing +better than any cat, but such a trade I hated worse than the plague. In +a word, wherever I turned, I could hit on no way to fill my belly. Yet +what vexed me most of all was this, that I must needs endure all manner +of gibes when my comrades said, "What, thou a doctor, and hast no art +but to starve?" + +At length did hunger force me to inveigle a few fine carp out of the +town ditch up to me on the wall: but as soon as the colonel was ware of +it I must ride the torture-horse for it, and was forbidden on pain of +death to exercise that art further. At the last others' misfortune +proved my good luck. For having cured a few patients of jaundice and +two of fever (all which must have had a particular belief in me), it +was allowed me to go out of the fortress on the pretence of collecting +roots and herbs for my medicines: instead of which I did set snares for +hares and had the luck to catch two the first night: these I brought to +the colonel, and so got not only a thaler as a present, but also leave +to go out and catch hares whensoever I was not on duty. Now because the +country was waste and no man there to catch the beasts, which had +therefore mightily multiplied, there came grist to my mill again, +insomuch that it seemed as if it rained hares, or as if I could charm +them into my snares. So when the officers saw they could trust me I was +allowed to go out on plundering parties: and there I began again my +life as at Soest, save that I might no longer lead and command such +parties as heretofore in Westphalia; for for that 'twas needful to know +all highways and byways and to be well acquainted with the Rhine +stream. + + + + +_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ENDURED A CHEERLESS BATH IN THE RHINE + + +Yet must I tell you of a couple of adventures before I say how I was +again freed from my musquet, and one in truth of great danger to life +and limb, the other only of danger to the soul, wherein I did +obstinately persist: for I will conceal my vices no more than my +virtues, in order that not only may my story be complete, but also that +the untravelled reader may learn what strange blades there be in this +world. + +As I said at the end of the last chapter, I might now go out with +foraging-parties, which in garrison towns is not granted to every loose +customer, but only to good soldiers. So once on a time nineteen of us +together went up to the Rhine to lie in wait for a ship of Basel that +was given out to carry secretly officers and goods of the Duke of +Weimar's army. So above Ottenheim we got us a fishing-boat wherein to +cross over and post ourselves on an eyot that lay handy to compel all +ships that drew near to come to land, to which end ten of us were +safely ferried over by the fisherman. But when one of us that could at +other times row well was fetching over the remaining nine, of whom I +was one, the skiff suddenly capsized and in a twinkling we lay together +in the Rhine. I cared not much for the others, but thought of myself. +But though I strained to the utmost and used all the arts of a good +swimmer, yet the stream played with me as with a ball, tossing me +about, sometimes over, sometimes under. I fought so manfully that I +often came up to get breath: but had it been colder, I had never been +able to hold out so long and to escape with my life. Often did I try to +win to the bank, but the eddies hindered me, tossing me from one side +to another: and though 'twas but a short time before I came opposite +Goldscheur, it seemed to me so long that I despaired of my life. But +when I had passed that village and had made sure I must pass under the +Strassburg Rhine-bridge dead or alive, I was ware of a great tree whose +branches stretched into the river not far from me. To this the stream +flowed straight and strong: for which cause I put forth all the +strength I had left to get to the tree, wherein I was most lucky, so +that by the help both of the water and my own pains I found myself +astride upon the biggest branch, which at first I had taken for a tree: +which same was yet so beaten by waves and whirlpools that it kept +bobbing up and down without ceasing, and so shook up my belly that I +wellnigh spewed up lungs and liver. Hardly could I keep my hold, for +all things danced strangely before my eyes. And fain would I have +slipped into the water again, yet found I was not man enough to endure +even the hundredth part of such labour as I had so far accomplished. So +must I stick there and hope for an uncertain deliverance, which God +must send me if I was to get off alive. But in this respect my +conscience gave me but cold comfort, bidding me remember that I had so +wantonly rejected such gracious help a year or two before; yet did I +hope for the best, and began to pray as piously as I had been reared in +a cloister, determining to live more cleanly in future; yea, and made +divers vows. Thus did I renounce the soldier's life and forswore +plundering for ever, did throw my cartridge-box and knapsack from me, +and naught would suffice me but to become a hermit again and do penance +for my sins, and be thankful to God's mercy for my hoped-for +deliverance till the end of my days, and when I had spent two or three +hours upon the branch between hope and fear there came down the Rhine +that very ship for which I was to help lie in wait. So I lifted up my +voice piteously and screamed for help in the name of God and the last +Judgment, and because they must needs pass close to me, and therefore +the more clearly see my wretched plight, all in the ship were moved to +pity, so that they put to land to devise how best to help me. And +because, by reason of the many eddies that were all round me (being +caused by the roots and branches of the tree), it was not possible to +swim out to me without risk of life nor to come to me with any vessel, +small or great, my helping needed much thought: and how I fared in mind +meanwhile is easy to guess. At last they sent two fellows into the +river above me with a boat, that let a rope float down to me and kept +one end of it themselves. The other end I with great trouble did +secure, and bound it round my body as well as I could, so that I was +drawn up by it into the boat like a fish on a line and so brought into +the ship. + +So now when I had in this fashion escaped death, I had done well to +fall on my knees on the bank and thank God's goodness for my +deliverance, and moreover then begin to amend my life as I had vowed +and promised in my deadly need. But far from it. For when they asked me +who I was and how I had come into this peril I began so to lie to the +people that it might have made the heavens turn black: for I thought, +if thou sayst thou wast minded to help plunder them, they will cast +thee into the Rhine again. So I gave myself out for a banished +organist, and said that as I would to Strassburg to seek a place as +schoolmaster or the like on the upper Rhine, a party had captured me +and stripped me and thrown me into the Rhine, which brought me to that +same tree. And as I contrived to trick out these my lies finely, and +also strengthened them with oaths, I was believed, and all kindness +shewn me in the matter of food and drink to refresh me, of which I had +great need indeed. + +At the custom-house at Strassburg most did land, and I with them, +giving them all thanks; and among them I was ware of a young merchant +whose face and gait and actions gave me to understand that I had seen +him before: yet could I not remember where, but perceived by his speech +that 'twas that very same cornet that had once made me prisoner: and +now could I not conceive how from so fine a young soldier he had been +turned into a merchant, specially since he was a gentleman born. Yea, +my curiosity to know if my eyes and ears deceived me or not urged me to +go to him and say, "Monsieur Schönstein, is it you or not?" to which he +answered, "I am no Herr von Schönstein but a simple trader." "And I +too," says I, "was never a huntsman of Soest but an organist, or rather +a land-tramping beggar." And "O brother!" he answered, "what the devil +trade art thou of? whither art thou bound?" "Brother," said I, "if thou +beest chosen by heaven to help preserve my life, as hath now happened +for the second time, then 'tis certain that my destiny requires that I +should not be far from thee." + +Then did we embrace as two true friends, that had aforetime promised to +love one another to the death. I must to his quarters and tell him all +that had befallen me since I had left Lippstadt for Cologne to fetch my +treasure, nor did I conceal from him how I had intended to lay wait for +their ship with a party, and how we had fared therein. And he on his +part confided to me how he had been sent by the Hessian General Staff +to Duke Bernhard of Weimar on business of the greatest import +concerning the conduct of the war: to bring reports and to confer with +him on future plans and campaigns, all which he had accomplished and +was now on his way back in the disguise of a merchant, as I could see. +By the way also he told me that my bride at his departure was expecting +child-bed, and had been well entreated by her parents and kinsfolk, and +furthermore that the colonel still kept the ensigncy for me. Yet he +jested at me by reason of my pock-marked face, and would have it that +neither my wife nor the other women of Lippstadt would take me for the +Huntsman. So we agreed I should lodge with him and on this opportunity +return to Lippstadt which was what I most desired. And because I had +naught but rags upon me he lent me some trifle in money, wherewith I +equipped myself like to an apprentice-lad. + +But as 'tis said, "What will be, must be," that I now found true: for +as we sailed down the river and the ship was examined at Rheinhausen, +the Philippsburgers knew me again, seized me and carried me off to +Philippsburg, where I had to play the musqueteer as before: all which +angered my friend the cornet as much as myself: for now must we +separate: and he could not much take my part, for he had enough to do +to get through himself. + + + + +_Chap. ix._: WHEREFORE CLERGYMEN SHOULD NEVER EAT HARES THAT HAVE BEEN +TAKEN IN A SNARE + + +Now hath the gentle reader heard in what danger of life I put myself. +But as concerns the danger of my soul 'tis to be understood that as a +musqueteer I became a right desperate fellow, that cared naught for God +and his word. No wickedness was for me too great: and all the +goodnesses and loving kindnesses that I had ever received from God +quite forgotten: and so I cared neither for this world nor the next but +lived like a beast. None would have believed that I had been brought up +with a pious hermit: seldom I went to church and never to confess: and +because I cared so little for my own soul's health, therefore I +troubled my fellow men yet more. Where I could cheat a man I failed not +to do it, yea I prided myself upon it, so that none came off scot-free +from his dealings with me. From this I often got me a whipping, and +still more often the torture-horse; yea, I was often threatened with +the strappado and the gibbet: but naught availed: I went on in my +godless career till it seemed I would play the desperado and run +post-haste to hell. And though I did no deed evil enough to forfeit my +life, yet was I so reckless that, save for sorcerers and sodomites, no +worse man could be found. + +Of this our regiment's chaplain was ware, and being a right zealous +saver of souls, at Eastertide he sent for me to know why I had not been +at Confession and Holy Communion. But I treated his many faithful +warnings as I had done those of the good pastor at Lippstadt, so that +the good man could make naught of me. So when it seemed as if Christ +and His Baptism were lost in me, at the end says he, "O miserable man: +I had believed that thou didst err through ignorance: now know I that +thou goest on in thy sins from pure wickedness and of malice +aforethought. Who, thinkest thou, can feel compassion for thy poor soul +and its damnation? For my part, I protest before God and the world that +I am free of guilt as to that damnation; for I have done, and would +have gone on to do without wearying, all that was necessary to further +thy salvation. But henceforward 'twill not be my duty to do more than +to provide that thy body, when thy poor soul shall leave it in such a +desperate state, shall be conveyed to no dedicated place there to be +buried with other departed pious Christians, but to the carrion-pit +with the carcases of dead beasts, or to that place where are bestowed +other God-forgotten and desperate men." Yet this severe threatening +bore as little fruit as the earlier warnings, and that for this reason +only, that I was shamed to confess. O fool that I was! For often I +would tell of my knaves' tricks in great company and would lie to make +them seem the greater; yet now, when I should be converted and confess +my sins to a single man, and him standing in God's place, to receive +absolution, then was I as a stock or a stone. I say the truth: I was +stockish; and stockish I remained: for I answered, "I do serve the +Emperor as a soldier: and if I die as a soldier, 'twill be no wonder if +I, like other soldiers (which cannot always be buried in holy ground, +but must be content to lie anywhere on the field in ditches or in the +maw of wolf and raven), must make shift outside the churchyard." + +And so I left the priest, which for his holy zeal for souls had no more +return from me than that once I refused him a hare, which he urgently +begged from me, on the pretence that since it had hanged itself in a +noose and so taken its own life, therefore as a self-murderer it might +not be buried in a holy place. + + + + +_Chap. x._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS ALL UNEXPECTEDLY QUIT OF HIS MUSQUET + + +So were things no better with me, but the longer the worse. Once did +the colonel say to me he would discharge me for a rogue, since I would +do no good. But because I knew he meant it not, I said 'twas easy +enough, if only he would dismiss the hangman too, to bear me company. +So he let it pass, for well could he conceive that I should hold it for +no punishment but for a favour if he would let me go: and against my +will I must remain a musqueteer and starve till the summer. But the +nearer Count von Götz came with his army, the nearer came also my +deliverance: for when that general had his headquarters at Bruchsal, my +friend Herzbruder, that I had so faithfully helped with my money in the +camp before Magdeburg, was sent by the staff on certain business to our +fortress, where all shewed him great honour. I was even then sentry +before the colonel's quarters, and though he wore a coat of black +velvet, yet I knew him at first sight, yet had not the heart to speak +to him at once, as fearing lest, after the way of the world, he should +be ashamed of me or would not know me, for by his clothes he was now of +high rank and I but a lousy musqueteer. But so soon as I was relieved I +asked of his servants his name and rank, to be assured that I did not +address another in his place, and yet I had not the courage to speak to +him, but wrote this billet to him and caused it to be handed to him in +the morning by his chamberlain. + + +"Monsieur, etc.,--If it should please my worshipful master by his high +influence to deliver one whom he once by his bravery saved from bonds +and fetters on the field of Wittstock, from the most miserable +condition in the world, into which he hath been tossed like a ball by +unkind fortune, 'twould cost him little pains and he would for ever +oblige one, in any case his faithful servant but now the most wretched +and deserted of men.--S. SIMPLICISSIMUS." + + +No sooner had he read this than he had me to him and "Fellow +countryman," says he, "where is the man that gave thee this?" "Sir," I +answered, "he is a captive in this fortress." "Well," says he, "now go +to him and say I would deliver him an he had the halter round his +neck." "Sir," said I, "'twill not need so much trouble, for I am poor +Simplicissimus himself, come not only to give thanks for his rescue at +Wittstock, but also to beg to be freed from the musquet which I have +been forced against my will to carry." But he suffered me not to make +an end, but by embracing me shewed me how ready he was to help me: in a +word, he did all that one faithful friend can do for another; and +before he asked me how I came into the fortress and to such a service, +he sent his servant to the Jew to buy me a horse and clothing. And +meanwhile I told him how it had fared with me since his father had died +before Magdeburg, and when he heard I was the Huntsman of Soest (whose +many famous exploits he had heard of) he lamented that he had not known +such before, for so could he well have helped me to a company. So when +the Jew came with a whole burden of soldiers' clothes, he chose out the +best for me, bade me clothe myself, and so took me with him to the +colonel. And to him, "Sir," says he, "I have in your garrison found +this good fellow here present, to whom I am so much bounden that I +cannot leave him in this low estate even if his good qualities deserved +no better: and therefore I beg the colonel to do me this favour, and +either to give him a better place or to allow me to take him with me +and to further his promotion in the army, for which perhaps the colonel +has no great opportunity here." At that the colonel crossed himself for +sheer wonder to hear any man praise me; and says he, "Your honour will +forgive me if I say it is his part to try whether I am willing to serve +him so far as his deserts do require: and so far as that goes, let him +demand aught else that lies in my power and he shall understand my +willingness by my actions. But as to this fellow, he is, according to +his own showing, no soldier of mine, but belongs to a regiment of +dragoons, and is besides so pestilent a companion that since he hath +been here he hath given more work to my provost than a whole company, +so that I must needs believe no water will ever drown him." So he ended +with a laugh and wished me luck. + +But for Herzbruder this was not enough but he further begged the +colonel not to refuse to invite me to his table, which favour he also +obtained: and this he did to the end that he might tell the colonel in +my presence what he only knew of me by hearsay in Westphalia from the +Count von der Wahl and the commandant of Soest, all which actions he so +praised that all must hold me for a good soldier. And I too carried +myself so modestly that the colonel and his people that had known me +before could but believe that with my new clothes I had become a new +man. Moreover, when the colonel would know how I had gotten the name of +doctor, I told them the whole story of my journey from Paris to +Philippsburg and how many peasants I had cheated to fill my belly: at +which they laughed heartily. And in the end I confessed openly it had +been my intention so to vex and weary him, the colonel, with all manner +of tricks, that he must at last turn me out of the garrison, if he +would live at peace from all the complaints that I caused him. +Thereupon he told of many rogueries I had committed while in the +garrison, for example, how I had boiled up beans, poured grease over +them, and sold the whole for pure grease; also sand for salt, filling +the sacks with sand below and salt above; and again, how I had made a +fool of one here and another there, and had made a jest of every man, +so that during the whole meal they spoke only of me. Yet had I not had +such a friend at court these same acts would have been held deserving +of severe punishment. And so I drew my conclusion how 'twould go at +court if a rogue should gain a prince's favour. + +Our meal ended, we found the Jew had no horse which would serve +Herzbruder for me: but as he stood in such esteem that the colonel +could hardly afford to lose his good word, therefore he presented us +with one from his own stable, saddle and bridle and all, on which my +lord Simplicissimus was set and with his friend Herzbruder rode +joyfully forth from the fortress. And some of my comrades did cry, +"Good luck, brother, good luck," but others from envy, "The longer the +halter the greater the luck." + + + + +_Chap. xi._: DISCOURSES OF THE ORDER OF THE MARAUDER BROTHERS + + +Now on the way Herzbruder agreed with me that I should give myself out +for his cousin that I might receive greater respect: and he for his +part would get me a horse and a servant and send me to the regiment of +Neuneck, wherein I could serve as a volunteer till an officer's place +should fall vacant in the army, to which he could help me. And so in a +wink I became a fellow that looked like a good soldier: but in that +summer I did no great deeds, save that I helped to steal a few cattle +here and there in the Black Forest and made myself well acquainted with +the Breisgau and Alsace. For the rest, I had scant luck, for when my +servant and his horse had been captured by the Weimar troops at +Kenzingen I must needs work the other harder, and in the end so ride +him to death that I was fain to join the order of the "Merode-brüder." +My friend Herzbruder indeed would willingly have equipped me again: but +seeing that I had so soon got rid of the first two horses, he held +back, and thought to let me kick my heels till I had learned more +foresight: nor did I desire it, for I found in my new companions so +pleasant a society that till winter quarters should come I wished for +no better employ. + +Now must I tell you somewhat of these Merode brothers, for without +doubt there be some, and specially those that be ignorant of war, that +know not who these people be. And so have I never found any writer that +hath included in his work an account of their manners, customs, rights, +and privileges: besides which 'tis well worth while that not only the +generals of these days but also the peasants should know what this +brotherhood is. And first as concerns their name, I do hope 'twill be +no disgrace to that honourable cavalier in whose service they got that +name, or I could not so openly tack it on to any man. For I once saw a +kind of shoe that had in place of eyelet-holes twisted cords, that a +man might more easily stamp through the mud: and these were called +Mansfeld's shoes because his troops first devised them. Yet should any +call Count Mansfeld himself "Cobbler" on that account, I would count +him for a fool. And so must you understand this name, that will last as +long as Germans do make war: and this was the beginning of it: when +this gentleman (Merode) first brought a newly raised regiment to the +army his recruits proved as weak and crazy in body as the Bretons,[29] +so that they could not endure the marching and other fatigues to which +a soldier must submit in the field, for which reason their brigade soon +became so weak that it could hardly protect the colours, and wherever +you found one or more sick and lame in the market-place or in houses, +and behind fences and hedges, and asked, "Of what regiment?" the answer +was wellnigh always "Of Merode." + +Hence it arose that at length all that, whether sick or sound, wounded +or not, were found straggling off the line of march or else did not +have their quarters in the field with their own regiment, were called +"Merode-brothers," just as before they were known as "swine-catchers" +and "bee-taylors": for they be like to the drones in the beehives which +when they have lost their sting can work no more nor make honey, but +only eat. If a trooper lose his horse or a musqueteer his health, or +his wife and child fall ill and must stay behind, at once you have a +pair and a half of Merode-brothers, a crew that can be compared with +none but gipsies, for not only do they straggle round the army in +front, in the flanks, in the middle, as it pleases them, but also they +be like the gipsies in manners and customs. For you can see them +huddled together (like partridges in winter) behind the hedges in the +shade or, if the season require it, in the sun, or else lying round a +fire smoking tobacco and idling, while the good soldier meanwhile must +endure with the colours heat, thirst, hunger, and all manner of misery. +Here again goes a pack of them pilfering alongside the line of march, +while many a poor soldier is ready to sink under the weight of his +arms. They plunder all they can find before, behind, and beside the +army: and what they cannot consume that they spoil, so that the +regiments, when they come to their quarters or into camp, do often find +not even a good draught of water; and when they are strictly forced to +stay with the baggage-train, you will often find this greater in number +than the army itself. And though they do march together and lodge +together, fight and make common cause, yet have they no captain to +order them, no Feldwebel nor sergeant to dust their jackets, no +corporal to rouse them up, no drummer to summon them to picket or +bivouac duty, and, in a word, no one to bring them into the line of +battle like an adjutant nor to assign them their lodgings like a +quartermaster, but they live like noblemen. Howbeit whenever a +commissariat-officer comes, they are the first to claim their share, +undeserved though it be. Yet are the Provost-marshal and his fellows +their greatest plague, being such as at times, when they play their +tricks too scurvily, do set iron bracelets on their hands and feet, or +even adorn them with a hempen collar and hang them up by their precious +necks. They keep no watch, they dig no trenches, they serve on no +forlorn hope, and they will never fight in line of battle, yet they be +well nourished and fed. But what damage the general, the peasant, and +the whole army, in which many such companions are to be found, do +suffer, is not to be described. The basest of horse-boys, that doth +naught but forage, is worth to the general more than one thousand such, +that do make a trade of such foraging and lie at ease without excuse +upon their bear-skins,[30] till they be taken off by the adversary or +be rapped over the fingers when they do meddle with the peasants. So is +the army weakened and the enemy strengthened: and even if a scurvy +rogue of this kind (I mean not the poor sick man, but the riders +without horses that for sheer neglect do let their horses perish, and +betake themselves to the brotherhood to save their skins) do so pass +the summer, yet all the use one can have of him is to equip him again +for the winter at great cost that he may have somewhat to lose in the +next campaign. 'Twere well to couple such together like greyhounds and +teach them to make war in garrison towns, or even make them toil in +chains in the galleys, if they will not serve on foot in the field till +they can get a horse again. I say naught here of the many villages +that, by chance or by malice, have been burned down by them; how many +of their own comrades they entice away, plunder, rob, and even murder, +nor how many a spy can be concealed among them if he know but enough to +give the name of a regiment and a company in the army. To this +honourable brotherhood I now must belong, and so remained till the day +before the Battle of Wittenweier, at which time our headquarters were +at Schüttern: for going then with my comrades into the county of +Geroldseck to steal cows and oxen I was taken prisoner by the troops of +Weimar, that knew far better how to treat us, for they made us take +musquets and distributed us in different regiments: and so I came into +Hattstein's regiment. + + + + +_Chap. xii._: OF A DESPERATE FIGHT FOR LIFE IN WHICH EACH PARTY DOTH +YET ESCAPE DEATH + + +Now could I well understand I was born but for misfortune, for some +weeks before the engagement happened I heard some lower officers of +Götz's army that talked of our war: and says one, "Without a battle +will this summer not pass: and if we win, in the next winter we shall +surely take Freiburg and the Forest-towns: but if we earn a defeat we +shall earn winter quarters too." Upon this prophecy I laid my plans and +said to myself, "Now rejoice thee, Simplicissimus, for next spring thou +wilt drink good wine of the Lake and the Neckar and wilt enjoy all that +the troops of Weimar can win." Yet therein I was mightily deceived, for +being now of those troops myself, I was predestinated to help lay siege +to Breisach, for that siege was fully set afoot presently after the +Battle of Wittenweier, and there must I, like other musqueteers, watch +and dig trenches day and night, and gained naught thereby save that I +learnt how to assail a fortress by approaches, to which matter I had +paid but scant attention in the camp before Magdeburg. For the rest, I +was but lousily provided for, for two or three must lodge together, our +purses were empty, and so were wine, beer, and meat a rarity. Apples, +with half as much bread as I could eat, were my finest dainties. And +'twas hard for me to bear this when I reflected on the fleshpots of +Egypt, that is, on the Westphalian hams and sausages of Lippstadt. Yet +did I think but little on my wife, and when I did so I did but plague +myself with the thought that she might be untrue to me. At last was I +so impatient that I declared to my captain how my affairs stood and +wrote by the post to Lippstadt, and so heard from Colonel Saint André +and my father-in-law that they had, by letters to the Duke of Weimar, +secured that my captain should let me go with a pass. + +So about a week or four days before Christmas I marched away with a +good musquet on my shoulder from the camp down through the Breisgau, +being minded at this same Christmas-tide to receive at Strassburg +twenty thalers sent to me by my brother-in-law, and then to betake +myself down the Rhine with the traders, since now there were no +Emperor's garrisons on the road. But when I was now past Endingen and +came to a lonely house, a shot was fired at me so close that the ball +grazed the rim of my hat, and forthwith there sprang out upon me a +strong, broad-shouldered fellow, crying to me to lay down my gun. So I +answered, "By God, my friend, not to please thee," and therewith cocked +my piece. Thereupon he whipped out a monstrous thing that was more like +to a headsman's sword than a rapier, and rushed upon me: and now that I +saw his true intent I pulled the trigger and hit him so fair on the +forehead that he reeled, and at last fell. So to take my advantage of +this I quickly wrested his sword out of his hand and would have run him +through with it, but it would not pierce him; and then suddenly he +sprang to his feet and seized me by the hair and I him, but his sword I +had thrown away. So upon that we began such a serious game together as +plainly shewed the bitter rage of each against the other, and yet could +neither be the other's master: now was I on top, and now he, and for a +moment both on our feet, which lasted not long, for each would have the +other's life. But as the blood gushed out in streams from my nose and +mouth I spat it into mine enemy's face, since he so greatly desired it: +and that served me well, for it hindered him from seeing. And so we +hauled each other about in the snow for more than an hour, till we were +so weary that to all appearance the weakness of one could not, with +fists alone, have overcome the weariness of the other; nor could either +have compassed the death of the other of his own strength and without +weapon. Yet the art of wrestling, wherein I had often exercised myself +at Lippstadt, now served me well, or I had doubtless paid the penalty: +for my enemy was stronger than I, and moreover proof against steel. So +when we had wearied us wellnigh to death says he at last, "Brother, +hold, I cry you mercy." + +So says I, "Nay, thou hadst best have let me pass at the first." "And +what profit hast thou if I die?" quoth he. "Yea," said I, "and what +profit hadst thou had if thou hadst shot me dead, seeing that I have +not a penny in my pocket?" On that he begged my pardon, and I granted +it, and suffered him to stand up after he had sworn to me solemnly that +he would not only keep the peace but would be my faithful friend and +servant. Yet had I neither believed nor trusted him had I then known of +the villainies he had already wrought. But when we were on our feet we +shook hands upon this, that what had happened should be forgotten, and +each wondered that he had found his master in the other; for he +supposed that I was clad in the same rogue's hide as himself: and that +I suffered him to believe, lest when he had gotten his gun again he +should once more attack me. He had from my bullet a great bruise on his +forehead, and I too had lost much blood. Yet both were sorest about our +necks, which were so twisted that neither could hold his head upright. + +But as it drew towards evening, and my adversary told me that till I +came to the Kinzig I should meet neither dog nor cat, still less a man, +whereas he had in a lonely hut not far from the road a good piece of +meat and a draught of the best, I let myself be persuaded and went with +him, he protesting with sighs all the way how it grieved him to have +done me a hurt. + + + + +_Chap. xiii._: HOW OLIVER CONCEIVED THAT HE COULD EXCUSE HIS BRIGAND'S +TRICKS + + +A determined soldier whose business it is to hold his life cheap and to +adventure it easily, is but a stupid creature. Out of a thousand +fellows you could hardly have found one that would have gone as a guest +to an unknown place with one that had even now tried to murder him. On +the way I asked him which army he was of. So he said, he served no +prince but was his own master, and asked of what party I was. I +answered I had served the Duke of Weimar but had now my discharge, and +was minded to betake myself home. Then he asked my name, and when I +said "Simplicius" he turned him round (for I made him walk before me +because I trusted him not) and looked me straight in the face. "Is not +thy name also Simplicissimus?" quoth he. "Yea," says I, "he is a rogue +that denies his own name: and who art thou?" "Why, brother," he +answered, "I am Oliver, whom thou wilt surely remember before +Magdeburg." With that he cast away his gun and fell on his knees to beg +for my pardon that he had meant to do me an ill turn, saying he could +well conceive he could have no better friend in the world than he would +find in me, since according to old Herzbruder's prophecy I was so +bravely to avenge his death. And I for my part did wonder at so strange +a meeting, but he said, "This is nothing new: mountain and valley can +never meet, but what is truly strange is this, that I from a secretary +have become a footpad and thou from a fool a brave soldier. Be ye sure, +brother, that if there were ten thousand like us, we could relieve +Breisach to-morrow and in the end make ourselves masters of the whole +world." + +With such talk we came at nightfall to a little remote labourer's +cottage: and though such boasting pleased me not, yet I said "Yea," +chiefly because his rogue's temper was well known to me, and though I +trusted him not at all, yet went I with him into the said house, in +which a peasant was even then lighting a fire: to him said Oliver, +"Hast thou aught ready cooked?" "Nay," said the peasant, "but I have +still the cold leg of veal that I brought from Waldkirch." "Well then," +said Oliver, "go bring it here and likewise the little cask of wine." +So when the peasant was gone, "Brother," said I (for so I called him to +be safer with him) "thou hast a willing host." "Oh, devil thank the +rogue," says he, "I do keep his wife and child for him and also he doth +earn good booty for himself; for I do leave for him all the clothes +that I capture, for him to turn to his own profit." So I asked where he +kept his wife and child; to which Oliver answered, he had them in +safety in Freiburg, where he visited them twice a week, and brought him +from thence his food, as well as powder and shot. And further he told +me he had long practised this freebooter's trade, and that it profited +him more than to serve any lord: nor did he think to give it up till he +had properly filled his purse. "Brother," says I, "thou livest in a +dangerous estate, and if thou art caught in such a villainy, how +thinkest thou 'twould fare with thee?" "Aha," says he, "I perceive thou +art still the old Simplicissimus: I know well that he that would win +must stake somewhat: but remember that their lordships[31] of Nuremberg +hang no man till they catch him." So I answered, "Yea, but put the +case, brother, that thou art not caught, which is yet but unlikely, +since the pitcher that goes often to the well must break at last, yet +is such a life as thou leadest the most shameful in the world, so that +I scarce can believe thou canst desire to die in it." + +"What?" says he, "the most shameful? My brave Simplicissimus, I assure +thee that robbery is the most noble exercise that one in these days can +find in the world. Tell me how many kingdoms and principalities be +there that have not been stolen by violence and so taken. Or is it ever +counted for evil of a king or a prince in the whole world that he +enjoys the revenues of his lands, which commonly have been gained by +his forefathers with violence and conquest? Yea, what could be named +more noble than the trade that I now follow? I well perceive that thou +wouldst fain preach me a sermon showing how many have been hanged, +drawn, and quartered for murder and robbery: but that I know already, +for so the laws do command: yet wilt thou see none but poor and +miserable thieves so put to death, as they indeed deserve for +undertaking this noble craft, which is reserved for men of high parts +and capacity. But when hast thou ever seen a person of quality punished +by justice for that he has oppressed his people too much? Yea, and more +than that, when is the usurer punished, that yet doth pursue this noble +trade in secret, and that too under the cloak of Christian love? Why, +then, should I be punishable, I that practise it openly without +concealment or hypocrisy? My good Simplicissimus, thou hast never read +thy Machiavel. I am a man of honest mood, and do follow this manner of +life openly and without shame. I do fight and do adventure my life upon +it like the heroes of old, and do know that such trades, and likewise +he that follows them, stand ever in peril: but since I do adventure my +life thereupon, it doth follow without contradiction that 'tis but just +and fair I should be allowed to follow my trade." + +To that I answered, "Whether robbery and theft be allowed to thee or +not, yet do I know that this is against the order of nature, that will +not have it so that any man should do to another what he would not have +done to himself. And this is wrong, too, as against the laws of this +world, which ordain that thieves shall be hanged and robbers beheaded +and murderers broken on the wheel: and lastly, 'tis also against the +laws of God, which is the chiefest point of all: for He doth leave no +sin unpunished." "Yea," said Oliver, "'tis as I said: thou art still +the same old Simplicissimus that hath not yet studied his Machiavel: +but if I could but set up a monarchy in this fashion, then would I fain +see who would preach to me against it." + +And so had we disputed longer: but then came the peasant with meat and +drink, and so we sat together and appeased our hunger, of which I at +least had much need. + + + + +_Chap. xiv._: HOW OLIVER EXPLAINED HERZBRUDER'S PROPHECY TO HIS OWN +PROFIT, AND SO CAME TO LOVE HIS WORST ENEMY + + +Our food was white bread and a cold leg of veal. And moreover we had a +good sup of wine and a warm room. "Aha! Simplicissimus," said Oliver, +"'tis better here than in the trenches before Breisach." "True," said +I, "if one could enjoy such a life with safety and a good conscience." +At that he laughed loud, and says he, "Yea, are the poor devils in the +trenches safer than we, that must every moment expect a sally of the +garrison? My good Simplicissimus, I do plainly see that, though thou +hast cast aside thy fool's cap, thou hast kept thy fool's head, that +cannot understand what is good and what is bad. And if thou wert any +but that same Simplicissimus that after Herzbruder's prophecy must +avenge my death, I would make thee to confess that I do lead a nobler +life than any baron." With that I did think, "How will it go now? Thou +must devise another manner of speech, or this barbarous creature with +the help of his peasant may well make an end of thee." So says I, "Who +did ever hear at any time that the scholar should know more than the +master? And so, brother, if thou hast so happy a life as thou dost +pretend, give me a share in thy good luck, for of good luck I have +great need." + +To which Oliver answered, "Brother, be thou assured that I love thee as +mine own self, and that the affront I put upon thee to-day doth pain me +more than the bullet wherewith thou didst wound my forehead, when thou +didst so defend thyself as should any proper man of courage. Therefore +why should I deny thee anything? If it please thee, stay thou here with +me: I will provide for thee as for myself. Or if thou hast no desire to +stay with me, then will I give thee a good purse of money and go with +thee whithersoever thou wilt. And that thou mayest believe that these +words do come from my heart, I will tell thee the reason wherefore I do +hold thee in such esteem: thou dost know how rightly old Herzbruder did +hit it off with his prophecies: and look you, that same did so prophesy +to me when we lay before Magdeburg, saying, 'Oliver, look upon our fool +as thou wilt, yet will he astonish thee by his courage, and play thee +the worst tricks thou hast ever known, for which thou shalt give him +good cause at a time when ye know not one another. Yet will he not only +spare thy life when it is in his hands, but after a long time he will +come to the place where thou art to be slain: and there will he avenge +thy death.' And for the sake of this prophecy, my dear Simplicissimus, +am I ready to share with thee the very heart in my breast. For already +is a part of that prophecy fulfilled, seeing that I gave thee good +reason to shoot me in the head like a valiant soldier and to take my +sword from me (which no other hath ever done) and to grant me my life, +when I lay under thee and was choking in blood: and so I doubt not that +the rest of the prophecy which concerns my life shall be fulfilled. And +from this matter of the revenge I must conclude, brother, that thou art +my true friend, for an thou wert not, thou wouldest not take upon thee +to avenge me. And now thou hast the innermost thoughts of my heart: so +now do thou tell me what thou art minded to do." Upon that I thought, +"The devil trust thee, for I do not: if I take money from thee for the +journey I may well be the first whom thou slayest: and if I stay with +thee I must expect some time to be hanged with thee." So I determined I +would befool him, tarrying with him till I could find opportunity to be +quit of him: and so I said if he would suffer me I would stay with him +a day or a week to see if I could accustom myself to his manner of +life: and if it pleased me he should find in me a true friend and a +good soldier: and if it pleased me not, we could at any time part in +peace. And on that he drank to my health, yet I trusted him not, and +feigned to be drunken before I was so, to see if he would be at me when +I could not defend myself. + +Meanwhile the fleas did mightily plague me, whereof I had brought good +store from Breisach; for when it grew warm they were no longer content +to remain in my rags but walked abroad to take their pleasure. Of that +Oliver was aware, and asked me had I lice? To which I answered, "Yea, +indeed, and more than I can hope to have ducats in my life." "Say not +so," said Oliver, "for if thou wilt abide with me thou canst earn more +ducats than thou hast lice now." I answered, "'Tis as impossible as +that I can be quit of my lice." "Yea," says he, "but both are +possible": and with that he commanded the peasant to fetch me a suit +that lay in a hollow tree near the house; which was a grey hat, a cape +of elk-skin, a pair of scarlet breeches, and a grey coat: and shoes and +stockings would he give me next day. So as I saw him so generous I +trusted him somewhat better than before, and went to bed content. + + + + +_Chap. xv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS THOUGHT MORE PIOUSLY WHEN HE WENT +A-PLUNDERING THAN DID OLIVER WHEN HE WENT TO CHURCH + + +So the next morning, as day began to break, says Oliver, "Up, +Simplicissimus; we will fare forth in God's name to see what we can +come by." "Good Lord," thought I, "must I then in thy holy name go +a-thieving?" I that aforetime when I left my good hermit could not hear +without marvelling when one man said to another, "Come, brother, we +will in God's name take off a cup of wine together"? for that I counted +a double sin, that a man should be drunken, and drunken in God's name. +"My heavenly Father," thought I, "how am I changed since then! My +faithful Lord, what will at last become of me if I turn not? Oh! check +thou my course, that will assuredly bring me to hell if I repent not." + +So speaking and so thinking did I follow Oliver to a village wherein +was no living creature: and there to have a better view we did go up +into the church steeple: there had he in hiding the shoes and stockings +that he had promised me the night before, and moreover two loaves of +bread, some pieces of dried meat, and a barrel half full of wine, which +would have easily afforded him provision for a week. So while I was +putting on what he gave me he told me here was the place where he was +wont to wait when he hoped for good booty, to which end he had so well +provisioned himself, and, in a word, told me he had several such +places, provided with meat and drink, so that if he could not find a +friend at home in one place he might catch him elsewhere. For this must +I praise his prudence, yet gave him to understand that 'twas not well +so to misuse a place that was dedicated to God's service. "What," says +he, "misuse? The churches themselves if they could speak would confess +that what I do in them is naught in comparison with the sins that have +aforetime been committed in them. How many a man and how many a woman, +thinkst thou, have come into this church since it was built, on +pretence of serving God, but truly only to shew their new clothes, +their fine figure, and all their bravery! Here cometh one into church +like a peacock and putteth himself so before the altar as he would pray +the very feet off the saints' images! And there standeth another in a +corner to sigh like the publican in the temple, which sighs be yet only +for his mistress on whose face he feedeth his eyes, yea, for whose sake +he is come thither. Another cometh to the church with a packet of +papers like one that gathereth contributions for a fire, yet more to +put his debtors in mind than to pray: and an he had not known those +debtors would be in the church he had sat at home over his ledgers. +Yea, it doth happen often that when our masters will give notice of +aught to a parish, it must be done of a Sunday in the church, for which +reason many a farmer doth fear the church more than any poor sinner +doth fear the judge and jury. And thinkest thou not there be many +buried in churches that have deserved sword, gallows, fire, and wheel? +Many a man could not have brought his lecherous intent to a good end +had not the church helped him. Is a bargain to be driven or a loan to +be granted, 'tis done at the church door. Many a usurer there is that +can spare no time in the week to reckon up his rogueries, that can sit +in church of a Sunday and devise how to practise fresh villainies. Yea, +here they sit during mass and sermon to argue and talk as if the Church +were built for such purpose only: and there be matters talked of that +in private houses none would speak about. Some do sit and snore as if +they had hired the place to sleep in: and some do naught but gossip of +others and do whisper, 'How well did the pastor touch up this one or +that one in his sermon!' and others do give heed to the discourse but +for this reason only! not to be bettered by it, but that they may carp +at and blame their minister if he do but stumble once at a word (as +they understand the matter). And here will I say naught of the stories +I have read of amorous intercourse that hath its beginning and end in a +church; for I could not now remember all I could tell thee of that. Yet +canst thou see how men do not only defile churches with their vices +while they live but do fill them with their vanity and folly after they +be dead. Go thou now into a church, and there by the gravestones and +epitaphs thou wilt see how they that the worms have long ago devoured +do yet boast themselves: look thou up and there wilt thou see more +shields and helmets, and swords and banners, and boots and spurs than +in many an armoury: so that 'tis no wonder that in this war the +peasants have fought for their own in churches as if 'twere in +fortresses. And why, then, should it not be allowed to me--to me, I +say, as a soldier--to ply my trade in a church, whereas aforetime +two holy fathers did for the mere sake of precedence cause such a +blood-bath in a church[32] that 'twas more like to a slaughter-house +than a holy place? Yea, I would not so act if any did come here to do +God's service; for I am but of the lay people: yet they, that were +clergymen, respected not the high majesty of the emperor himself. And +why should it be forbidden to me to earn my living by the church when +so many do so earn it? And is it just that so many a rich man can for a +fee be buried in the church to bear witness of his own pride and his +friends' pride, while yet the poor man (that may have been as good a +Christian as he and perchance a better), that can pay naught, must be +buried in a corner without? 'Tis as a man looks upon it: had I but +known that thou wouldst scruple so to lay wait in a church I had +devised another answer for thee: but in the meanwhile have thou +patience till I can persuade thee to a better mind." + +Now would I fain have answered Oliver that they were but lewd fellows +that did dishonour the churches as did he, and that they would yet have +their reward. Yet as I trusted him not, and had already once quarrelled +with him, I let it pass. Thereafter he asked me to tell him how it had +fared with me since we parted before Wittstock, and moreover why I had +had the jester's clothes on when I came into the camp before Magdeburg. +Yet as my throat did mightily pain me, I did excuse myself and prayed +him he would tell me the story of his life, that perchance might have +strange happenings in it. To that did he agree, and began in this +manner to tell me of his wicked life. + + + + +_Chap. xvi._: OF OLIVER'S DESCENT, AND HOW HE BEHAVED IN HIS YOUTH, AND +SPECIALLY AT SCHOOL + + +"My father," said Oliver, was born not far from Aachen town of poor +parents, for which reason he must in his youth take service with a rich +trader that dealt in copper wares: and there did he carry himself so +well that his master had him taught to write, read, and reckon, and set +him over his whole household as did Potiphar Joseph. And that was well +for both parties, for the merchant's wealth grew more and more through +my father's zeal and prudence, and my father became prouder and prouder +through his prosperity, so that he grew ashamed of his parents and +despised them, of which they complained, yet to no purpose. So when he +was five-and-twenty years of age, then died the merchant, and left an +aged widow and one daughter, which last had played the fool and was not +barren: but her child soon followed his grandfather. Thereupon my +father, when he saw her at once fatherless and childless but not +moneyless, cared not at all that she could wear no maiden's garland +again, but began to pay her court, the which her mother well allowed, +not only because her daughter might so recover her reputation but also +because my father possessed all knowledge of the business and in +especial could well wield the Jews' Spear.[33] And so by this marriage +was my father in a moment a rich man and I his son and heir, whom for +his wealth's sake he caused to be tenderly brought up: so was I kept in +clothes like a young nobleman, in food like a baron, and in attendance +like a count, for all which I had more to thank copper and calamine +than silver and gold. + +"So before I reached my seventh year I had given good proof of what I +was to be, for the nettle that is to be stings early: no roguery was +too bad for me, and where I could play any man a trick I failed not to +do so, for neither father nor mother punished me for it. I tramped with +young rascals like myself through thick and thin in the streets and was +already bold enough to fight boys stronger than myself: and did I get +beat, my foolish parents would say, 'How now? Is a great fellow like +that to beat a mere child?' But if I won (for I would scratch and bite +and throw stones), then said they, 'Our little Oliver will turn out a +fine fellow.' And with that my indolence grew: for praying I was yet +too young: and if I did curse like a trooper, 'twas said I knew not +what I said. So I became worse and worse till I was sent to school: and +there I did carry out what other wicked lads do mostly think of, yet +dare not practise. And if I spoiled or tore my books, my mother would +buy me others lest my miserly father should be wroth. My schoolmaster +did I plague most, for he might not deal with me hardly, receiving many +presents from my parents, whose foolish love to me was well known to +him. In summer would I catch crickets and bring them secretly into the +schoolroom, where they did play a merry tune. In winter would I steal +snuff and scatter it in that place where 'tis the custom to whip the +boys. And so if any stiff-necked scholar should struggle my powder +would fly about and cause an agreeable pastime: for then must all +sneeze together. + +"So now I deemed myself too great a man for small roguery, but all my +striving was for higher things. Often would I steal from one and put +what I had stolen in another's pouch to earn him stripes, and with +these tricks was I so sly that I was scarce ever caught. And of the +wars we waged (wherein I was commonly colonel) and the blows I +received--for I had ever a scratched face and a head full of bruises--I +need not to speak: for every man doth know how boys do behave: and so +from what I have said canst thou easily guess how in other respects I +spent my youth." + + + + +_Chap. xviii._: HOW HE STUDIED AT LIÈGE, AND HOW HE THERE DEMEANED +HIMSELF + + +"Now the more my father's riches increased, the more flatterers and +parasites he had round him, all which did praise my fine capacities for +study, but said no word of all my other faults or at least would excuse +them, seeing well that any that did not so could never stand well with +my father and mother. And so had they more pleasure in their son than +ever had a tomtit that has reared a young cuckoo. So they hired for me +a special tutor, and sent me with him to Liège, more to learn foreign +tongues than to study: for I was to be no theologian, but a trader. He, +moreover, had his orders not to be hard with me, lest that should breed +in me a fearful and servile spirit. He was to allow me freely to +consort with the students, lest I might become shamefaced, and must +remember that 'twas to make, not a monk, but a man of the world of me, +one that should know the difference between black and white. + +"But my said tutor needed no such instruction, being of himself given +to all manner of knaveries. And how could he forbid me such or rebuke +me for my little faults when he himself committed greater? To wine and +women was he by nature most inclined, but I to wrestling and fighting: +so did I prowl about the streets at night with him and his likes and +learned of him in brief space more lechery than Latin. But as to my +studies, therein I could rely on a good memory and a keen wit, and was +therefore the more careless, but for the rest I was sunk in all manner +of vice, roguery, and wantonness: and already was my conscience so wide +that one could have driven a waggon and horses through it. I heeded +nothing if I could but read Berni or Burchiello or Aretine during the +sermon in church: nor did I hear any part of the service with greater +joy than when 'twas said 'Ite missa est.' + +"All which time I thought no little of myself but carried me right +foppishly: every day was for me a feast-day, and because I behaved +myself as a man of estate, and spent not only the great sums that +my father sent me for my needs, but also my mother's plentiful +pocket-money, therefore the women began to pay us court, but specially +to my tutor. From these baggages I learned to wench and to game: how to +quarrel, to wrestle, and to fight I knew well before, and my tutor in +no wise forbade my debaucheries, since he himself was glad to take part +in them. So for a year and a half did this monstrous fine life endure, +till my father did hear of it from one that was his factor in Liège, +with whom indeed we had at first lodged: this man received orders to +keep a sharper eye upon us, to dismiss my tutor at once, to shorten my +tether, and to examine into my expense more carefully. Which vexed us +both mightily: and though he, my tutor, had now his congé, yet did we +hold together, one way or the other, both by day and night: yet since +we could no longer spend money as before, we did join ourselves to a +rogue that robbed folks of their cloaks at night; yea, or did drown +them in the Meuse: and what we in this fashion earned with desperate +peril of our lives, that we squandered with our whores, and let all +studies go their way. + +"So one night as we, after our custom, were prowling by night, to +plunder students of their cloaks, we were overcome, my tutor run +through the body, and I, with five others that were right rascals, +caught and laid by the heels: and next day we being examined and I +naming my father's factor, that was a man much respected, the same was +sent for, questioned concerning me, and I on his surety set free, yet +so that I must remain in his house in arrest till further order taken. +Meanwhile was my tutor buried, the other five punished as rogues, +robbers and murderers, and my father informed of my case: upon which he +came himself with all haste to Liège, settled my business with money, +preached me a sharp sermon, and shewed me what trouble and unhappiness +I had caused him, yea, and told me it seemed as my mother would go +desperate by reason of my ill conduct: and further threatened me, in +case I did not behave better, he would disinherit me and send me +packing to the devil. So I promised amendment and rode home with him: +and so ended my studies." + + + + +_Chap. xviii._: OF THE HOMECOMING AND DEPARTURE OF THIS WORSHIPFUL +STUDENT, AND HOW HE SOUGHT TO OBTAIN ADVANCEMENT IN THE WARS + + +"But when my father had me safely home, he found I was in very truth +spoiled. I had proved no worshipful dominie as he had hoped, but a +quarreller and a braggart, that imagined he knew everything. So hardly +was I warm at home when he said to me, 'Hearken, Oliver, I do see thine +asses' ears a-growing fast: thou beest a useless cumberer of the +ground, a rogue that will never be worth aught: to learn a trade art +thou too old: to serve a lord thou art too insolent, and to understand +and follow my profession thou art but useless. Alas, what have I +accomplished with all the cost that I have spent on thee? For I did +hope to have my joy in thee and to make of thee a man: and now must I +buy thee out of the hangman's hand. Oh fie, for shame! 'Twere best I +should set thee in a treadmill and let thee eat the bread of affliction +till some better luck arise for thee, when thou shalt have purged thee +of thine iniquities.' + +"Now when I must day by day hear such lectures, at the last was I out +of all patience, and told my father roundly I was not guilty of all, +but he and my tutor, that led me astray: and had he no joy of me, so +was he rightly served, that had given his parents no joy of him, but +had let them come to beggary and starvation. On that he reached for a +stick and would have paid me for my plain speaking, swearing loud and +long he would have me to the House of Correction at Amsterdam. So away +I went, and the same night betook me to his newly bought farm, watched +my opportunity, and rode off to Cologne on the best horse I could find +in his stables. + +"This horse did I sell, and forthwith lit upon even such a crew of +rogues and thieves as I had left at Liège. So at play they did know me +for what I was and I them, for both did know so much. Straightway I was +made one of their brotherhood, and was their helper in their nightly +excursions. Yet when presently one of our band was caught in the Old +Market as he would relieve a lady of quality of her heavy purse, and +specially when I had seen him stand an hour in the pillory with an iron +collar on, and, further, had seen one of his ears cut off and himself +well whipped, that trade pleased me no more, but I enlisted as a +soldier: for just then the colonel with whom we served before Magdeburg +was a-recruiting. Meanwhile had my father learned where I was, and so +did write to his factor he should inquire concerning me: which befell +even then when I had drawn my first pay: and that the factor told my +father, which gave orders that he should buy me out, cost it what it +might: but when I heard that, I had fear of the House of Correction, +and so would not be bought out. Through this was my colonel aware I was +a rich merchant's son, and so fixed his price so high that my father +left me as I was, intending to let me kick my heels awhile in the wars +and so perchance come to a better mind. + +"'Twas not long before it happened that my colonel's writer died, in +whose place he employed me, as thou knowest. And thereupon I began to +have high thoughts, in hope to rise from one rank to another, and so in +the end to become a general. From our secretary I did learn how to +carry myself, and my intent to grow to a great man caused me to behave +myself as a man of honour and repute, and no longer, as of old time, to +play rogues' tricks. Yet had I no luck till our secretary died, and +then methought, 'Thou must see to it that thou hast his place.' And all +I could I spent: for when my mother heard I had begun to do well she +ever sent me moneys. Yet because young Herzbruder was beloved by our +colonel and was preferred to me, I purposed to have him out of the way, +specially because I was sure the colonel would give him the secretary's +place. And at the delaying of the promotion which I so much desired I +was so impatient that I had me made bullet proof by our Provost, so to +fight with Herzbruder and settle matters by the sword: yet could I not +civilly come at him. Yea, and our Provost warned me from my purpose and +said, 'Even if thou makest him a sacrifice, yet will it do thee more +harm than good, for thou wilt but have murdered the colonel's +favourite.' + +"Yet did he advise me I should steal somewhat in Herzbruder's presence +and give it to him: for so could he bring it about that he should lose +the colonel's favour. To that I agreed, and stole the parcel-gilt cup +at the colonel's christening-feast and gave it to the Provost, by means +of which he rid me of young Herzbruder, as thou wilt surely remember, +even then when he, by his sorcery, filled thy pockets with puppies." + + + + +_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FULFILLED HERZBRUDER'S PROPHECY TO +OLIVER BEFORE YET EITHER KNEW THE OTHER + + +All was green and yellow before mine eyes when I must so hear from +Oliver's own mouth how he had gone about with my best friend, and yet I +could take no revenge: mine inclination thereto I must needs pocket up +lest he should mark it: and so begged he should tell me how it had +further fared with him before the battle at Wittstock. "Why, in that +encounter," said Oliver, "I carried myself like no quill-driver that is +set upon his inkstand, but like a good soldier, being well mounted and +bullet-proof, and moreover being counted in no squadron: for so could I +show my proper valour, as one that doth mean to rise higher by his +sword or to die. So did I fly around our brigade like a whirlwind, both +to exercise myself and to shew our men I was more fit for arms than for +the pen. Yet all availed nothing, for the Swedes' luck prevailed, and I +must share the ill-fortune of our folk and must accept that quarter +which a little before I would have given to no man. + +"So was I with the other prisoners put into a foot regiment, which same +was presently sent away to Pomerania on furlough: where, since there +were many raw recruits, and I had shown a very notable courage, I was +promoted corporal. Yet I was minded to make no long stay there, but as +soon as might be to return to the emperor's service, to which party I +was ever most affected, and that although doubtless my advancement had +been far quicker among the Swedes. And my escape I brought to pass +thus. I was sent out with seven musqueteers to a neighbouring post to +demand the contribution, which was in arrears: and so having got +together some eight hundred gulden or more, I shewed my fellows the +gold and caused their eyes to lust after it, so much so that we agreed +to divide the same and so make our escape. This being settled, I did +persuade three of them to help me to shoot the other four dead, and +such being accomplished we divided the money, namely, 200 gulden to +each: and with that we marched off to Westphalia. Yet on the way did I +persuade one of the three to help me to knock the other two on the +head; and then when we two were to divide the spoil I did make an end +with the last man, and so came by good luck safely with the money to +Wesel, where I took up my quarters and made merry with my money. + +"But when this was now nearly spent, and I still had my love of fine +living, then did I hear of a certain young soldier of Soest and what +fine booty he had gained, and what a name he had earned: and so was I +heartened up to follow in his footsteps. And as they called him, by +reason of his green clothing, the Huntsman, so did I have such green +raiment made for myself, and under his name did so plunder and steal in +his and our own quarters, and that with every circumstance of wanton +mischief, that it came near to this, that foraging parties should be +forbidden on both sides. He ('tis true) stayed at home, but when I +still went on a-mousing in his name all I could, then did that same +huntsman for that same reason challenge me. But the devil might fight +with him: for, as 'twas told me, he had ever the devil in his jacket: +and that devil had soon made an end of my wound-proof. Yet could I not +escape his craft, for with the help of a servant of his did he beguile +me with my comrade into a sheep-fold, and there would force me, in the +presence of two living devils that were his seconders by his side, to +fight with him by moonlight. Which when I refused, they did compel me +to the most contemptible actions in the world, and that my comrade soon +spread abroad: of which I was so shamed that I up and away to Lippstadt +and there took service with the Hessians: yet there I remained not +long, where none could trust me, but tramped away further to the Dutch. +And there did I find, 'tis true, more punctual payment, but too slow a +war for my humour: for there were we kept in like monks and must live +as chastely as nuns. + +"So since I could no more shew my face among either Imperials, Swedes +or Hessians, had I been willing wantonly to run the risk, as having +deserted from all three, and since I could now no longer stay with the +Hollanders, having violently deflowered a maiden, which act seemed +likely presently to bring about its results, I thought to take refuge +with the Spaniards, in the hope to escape home from them and to see how +my parents fared. Yet as I set about that plan I missed my points of +the compass so foully that I fell among the Bavarians, with whom I +marched among the Merodians, from Westphalia as far as the Breisgau, +and earned me a living by dicing and stealing. When I had aught I spent +my day on the gaming-ground and my night among the sutlers: had I +naught, I stole what I could, and often in a day two or three horses, +both from pasture and from stables, sold them, and gamed away what I +got, and then at night I would burrow under the soldiers' tents and +steal away their purses from under their very heads. Were we on the +march I would keep a watchful eye on the portmantles that the women did +carry behind them; these would I cut away. And so I kept myself alive +till the battle before Wittenweier, wherein I was made prisoner, once +more thrust into a foot-regiment, and so made one of Weimar's soldiers. +But the camp before Breisach liked me not, so I left it early and went +off to forage for myself, as thou seest I do. And be thou well assured, +brother, that already I have laid low many a proud fellow and have +earned a noble stock of money: nor am I minded to cease till I see I +can get no more. And now it doth come to thy turn to tell me of thy +life and fortunes." + + + + +_Chap. xx._: HOW IT DOTH FARE WITH A MAN ON WHOM EVIL FORTUNE DOTH RAIN +CATS AND DOGS + + +Now when Oliver had ended his discourse, I could not enough admire the +Providence of God. Now could I understand how the good God had not +alone protected me like a father from this monster in Westphalia, but +had, moreover, so brought it about that he should go in fear of me. Now +could I see what a trick I had played on him, to which the old +Herzbruder's prophecy did apply, yet which he himself expounded, as may +be seen in the fourteenth chapter, in another way, and that to my great +profit. For had this beast but known I was the Huntsman of Soest he had +surely made me drink of the same cup I served to him before at the +sheep-fold. I considered, moreover, how wisely and darkly Herzbruder +had delivered his predictions, and thought in myself that, though his +prophecies were wont commonly to turn out true, yet 'twould go hard and +must happen strangely if I was to revenge the death of one that had +deserved the wheel and the gallows: I found it also good for my health +that I had not first told him of my life, for so had I told him the way +how I before had disgraced him. And as I thought thereupon, I did mark +in Oliver's face certain scratches that he had not at Magdeburg, and so +did conceive that these scars were the tokens of Jump-i'-th'-field, +when at that former time he, in the likeness of a devil, did thus +scrabble his face, and so asked him whence he had those signs, adding +thereto that, though he had told me his whole life, yet I must gather +that he had left out the best part, since he had not yet told me who +had so marked him. + +"Ah, brother," answered he, "were I to tell all my tricks and rogueries +the time would be too long both for you and me: yet to shew thee that I +conceal from thee none of my adventures I will tell thee the truth of +this, though methinks 'tis but a sorry story for me. + +"I am fully assured that from my mother's womb I was predestined to a +scratched face, for in my very childhood I was so treated by my +schoolfellows when I wrangled with them: and so likewise one of those +devils that waited on the Huntsman of Soest handled me so roughly that +six weeks long one could see the marks of his claws in my face: but the +scars thou seest in my face had another beginning, to wit this. When I +lay in winter quarters with the Swedes in Pomerania, and had a fair +mistress by me, mine host must leave his bed, for us to lie there: but +his cat that had been used to sleep therein would come every night and +plague us, as one that could not so easily spare her wonted bed-place +as her master and mistress had done: this did vex my wench (that could +at no time abide a cat) so sore that she did swear loudly she would +shew me no more favour till I had made an end of this cat. So being +desirous to have her society yet, I devised how not only to please her +but so to avenge myself of the cat as to have sport therein. With that +I packed the beast in a bag, took my host's two great watch-dogs (which +at any time had no love for cats, but were familiar with me), and the +cat in the sack, to a broad and pleasant meadow, and there thought to +have my jest, for I deemed, since there was no tree hard by for the cat +to escape to, that the dogs would chase her up and down for a while on +the plain like a hare, and so would afford me fine pastime. But zounds; +it turned out for me not only dogs' luck, as people say, but cats' luck +(which sort of luck few can have known or 'twould assuredly long ago +have been made a proverb of), since the cat, when I did open the bag, +seeing only an open field and on it her two fierce enemies, and nothing +high whereto she could escape, would not so easily take the field and +so be torn to pieces, but betook herself to mine own head as finding no +higher place, and as I sought to keep her away my hat fell off: so the +more I tried to pull her down, the deeper she stuck in her claws so as +to hold fast. Such a combat the dogs could not endure to see, but +joined the sport themselves, and jumped up with open jaws in front, +behind, and on either side of me to come at the cat, which yet would +not leave my head, but maintained her place by fastening of her claws +both in my face and my head, as best she could. And if she missed to +give the dogs a pat with her glove of thorns, be sure she missed not +me: yet because she did sometimes strike the dogs on the nose, +therefore they busied themselves to bring her down with their claws, +and in so doing dealt me many a shrewd scratch in the face: yea, and if +I with both hands strove to tear the cat from her place, then would she +bite and scratch me to the best of her ability. And thus was I, both by +the dogs and the cat at once so attacked, so mauled, and so terribly +handled that I scarce looked like a man at all, and, what was worst of +all, I must run the risk that if they so snapped at the cat they might +by chance catch me by the ear or nose and bite it off. My collar and +jerkin were so bloody that they were like to a smith's travise on St. +Stephen's Day, when the horses are let blood; nor could I devise any +means to save myself from this torment, but at last must cast myself on +the ground that the dogs might so seize the cat, unless I was willing +to allow my poll to continue to be their battle-ground: 'tis true the +dogs did then kill the cat, but I had by no means so noble sport from +this as I had hoped, but only mockery and such a face as now thou seest +before thee. At which I was so enraged that I shot both dogs dead, and +did so bastinado my mistress that had given me cause for this fool's +trick that she ran away from me, doubtless because she could no longer +love so horrible a mask." + + + + +_Chap. xxi._: A BRIEF EXAMPLE OF THAT TRADE WHICH OLIVER FOLLOWED, +WHEREIN HE WAS A MASTER AND SIMPLICISSIMUS SHOULD BE A PRENTICE + + +Fain would I have laughed at this story of Oliver's, yet must show +compassion only: and even as I began to tell him my history we saw a +coach come up the road with two outriders. On that we came down from +the church-tower and posted ourselves in a house that stood by the +wayside and was very convenient for the waylaying of passengers. I must +keep my loaded piece in reserve, but Oliver with one shot brought down +at once one rider and his horse before they were ware of us: upon which +the other forthwith fled: and while I, with my piece cocked, made the +coachman halt and descend, Oliver leapt upon him and with his broad +sword did cleave his head to the teeth, yea, and would thereafter have +butchered the lady and the children that sat in the carriage and +already looked more like dead folk than live ones: but I roundly said, +that I would not have, but told him if he would do such a deed he must +first slay me. + +"Ah," says he, "thou foolish Simplicissimus, I had never believed thou +wert so wicked a fellow as thou dost seem." "But brother," said I, +"what hast thou against these innocents? an they were men that could +defend themselves 'twere another story." "How," he answered: "cook your +eggs and there will be no chickens hatched. I know these young +cockatrices well: their father the major is a proper skinflint, and the +worst jacket-duster in the world." + +And with such words he would have gone on to slay them: yet I +restrained him so long that in the end I softened him: and 'twas a +major's wife, her maids, and three fair children, for whom it grieved +me much: these we shut up in a cellar that they might not too soon +betray us, in which they had nothing to eat but fruit and turnips till +they might chance to be released by some one: thereafter we plundered +the coach, and rode off with seven fine horses into the wood where it +was thickest. + +So when we had tied them up and I had looked round me a little I was +ware of a fellow that stood stock-still by a tree not far off: him I +pointed out to Oliver and said 'twere well to be on our guard. "Why, +thou fool," said he, "'tis a Jew that I did tie up there: but the rogue +is long ago frozen and dead." So he goes up to him and chucks him under +the chin, and says he, "Aha; thou dog, thou didst bring me many a fair +ducat": and as he so shook his chin there rolled out of his mouth a few +doubloons that the poor rogue had rescued even in the hour of death. At +that Oliver put his hand in his mouth and brought out twelve doubloons +and a ruby of great price, and says he, "This booty have I to thank +thee for, Simplicissimus"; and with that gave me the ruby, took the +gold himself, and went off to fetch the peasant, bidding me in the +meanwhile to stay by the horses and beware lest the dead Jew should +bite me, whereby he meant I had no such courage as himself. + +But he being gone to fetch his peasant, I had heavy thoughts, and did +consider in what a dangerous state I now lived. And first I thought I +would mount one of the horses and escape: yet did I fear lest Oliver +should catch me in the act and shoot me; for I had my suspicion that he +did but try my good faith for this once, and so stood near by to watch +me. Again I thought to run away on foot, but then must fear, even if I +should give Oliver the slip, that I should not escape from the peasants +of the Black Forest, which were then famous for the knocking of +soldiers on the head. "And suppose," said I, "thou takest all the +horses with thee, so that Oliver shall have no means to pursue thee, +yet if thou be caught by the troops of Weimar, thou wilt as a convicted +murderer be broken on the wheel." In a word, I could devise no safe +means for my flight, and chiefly because I was there in a desolate +forest where I knew neither highway nor by-way: and besides all that my +conscience was now awake and did torment me, because I had stopped the +coach and had been the cause that the driver had so miserably lost his +life, and both the ladies with the innocent children had been laid fast +in the cellar, wherein perchance, like this Jew, they must perish and +die. Then again I would comfort me on the score of mine innocence, as +being compelled against my will: yet there contrariwise my conscience +answered me, I had long before deserved for my rogueries to fall into +the hands of justice in the company of this arch-murderer, and so +receive my due reward, and perhaps, methought, just Heaven had so +provided that I should even so be brought to book. At the last I began +to hope for better things and besought God's goodness to help me forth +from this plight, and being in so pious a mood I said to myself, "Thou +fool, thou art neither imprisoned nor fettered: the whole wide world +stands open before thee: hast thou not horses enough to take to flight? +or, if thou wilt not ride, yet are thy feet swift enough to save thee." + +But as I thus plagued and tormented myself and yet could come to no +plan, came Oliver back with our peasant, which guided us with the +horses to another farm, where we did bait and, taking turn by turn, did +each get two hours' sleep. After midnight we rode on, and about noon +came to the uttermost boundary of the Switzers, where Oliver was well +known, and had us nobly entertained: and while we made merry the host +sends for a couple of Jews, that bought the horses from us at half +their price. And all was so plainly and clearly settled that there was +little need of parley. For the Jews' chief question was, were the +horses from the emperor's side or the Swedes': and thereupon hearing +they were from Weimar's army, "Then," said they, "must we ride them not +to Basel but into Swabia to the Bavarians." At which close acquaintance +and familiarity I must needs wonder. + +So we feasted like princes, and heartily did I enjoy the good +forest-trout and the savoury crayfish. And when 'twas evening we took +to the road again, loading our peasant with baked meats and other +victual like a pack-horse: with all which we came the next day to a +lonesome farm, where we were friendly welcomed and entertained, and by +reason of ill weather stayed two days: thereafter through woods and +by-ways we came to that very hut whither Oliver did take me when first +he had me to his companion. + + + + +_Chap. xxii._: HOW OLIVER BIT THE DUST AND TOOK SIX GOOD MEN WITH HIM + + +So as we sat down to refresh our bodies and to rest, Oliver sent the +peasant out to buy food and also powder and shot. He being gone, he +takes off his coat and says he, "Brother, I can no longer carry this +devils' money about with me alone": and with that unbound a pair of +bags like sausages that he wore on his naked body, threw them on the +table, and went on, "Of these thou must take care till I come to my +holidays and we both have enough, for the accursed stuff hath worked +sores upon my body, so that I can no longer carry it." I answered, +"Brother, hadst thou as little as I, 'twould not gall thee." But he cut +me short. "How," says he, "what is mine is also thine; and what we do +further win shall be fairly-shared." So I took up the two sausages and +found they were indeed mighty heavy, being gold pieces only. Then I +told him 'twas all ill-packed, and an he would, I would so sew the +money in that it should not vex him half so much in the carrying. And +when he agreed to this he had me with him to a hollow tree wherein he +had scissors, needles, and thread: and there I made for him and me a +pair of knapsacks out of a pair of breeches, and many a fine red penny +I sewed therein. So having put the same on under our shirts, 'twas as +if we had golden armour behind and before, by means of which we were +become, if not proof against bullets, yet against swords. Then did I +wonder why he kept no silver coin: to which he answered he had more +than a thousand thalers lying in a tree from which he allowed the +peasant to buy victuals, and never asked for a reckoning, as not +greatly valuing such trash. + +This done and the money packed, away we went to our hut, and there +cooked our food and warmed ourselves by the stove all night. And +thither at one o'clock of the day, when we did least expect it, came +six musqueteers with a corporal to our hut with their pieces ready and +their matches burning, who burst in the door and cried to us to +surrender. But Oliver (that, like me, had ever his loaded piece lying +by him and his sharp sword also, and then sat behind the table, +and I by the stove behind the door) answered them with a couple of +musquet-balls, wherewith he brought two to the ground, while I with a +like shot slew one and wounded the fourth. Then Oliver whipped out his +terrible sword (that could cut hairs asunder and might well be compared +to Caliburn, the sword of King Arthur of England) and therewith he +clove the fifth man from the shoulder to the belly, so that his bowels +gushed out and he himself fell down beside them in gruesome fashion. +And meanwhile I knocked the sixth man on the head with the butt-end of +my piece, so that he fell lifeless: but Oliver got even such a blow +from the seventh, and that with such force that his brains flew out, +and I in turn dealt him that did that such a crack that he must needs +join his comrades on the dead muster-roll. So when the one that I had +shot at and wounded was ware of such cuffs and saw that I made for him +with the butt of my piece also, he threw away his gun and began to run +as if the devil was at his heels. Yet all this fight lasted no longer +than one could say a paternoster, in which brief space seven brave +soldiers did bite the dust. + +Now when I thus found myself master of the field, I examined Oliver to +see if he had a breath left in him, but finding him quite dead, +methought 'twas folly to leave so much money on a corpse that could not +need it, and so I stripped him of his golden fleece that I had made but +yesterday and hung it round my neck with the other. And having broken +mine own gun, I took Oliver's musquet and sharp battle-sword to myself, +wherewith I provided me against all chances, and so away I went and +that by the road by which I knew our peasant must return: and sitting +down by the wayside I waited for him and further considered what I +should now do. + + + + +_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A RICH MAN AND HERZBRUDER +FELL INTO GREAT MISERY + + +Now I sat but half an hour in thought when there comes to me our +peasant puffing like a bear, and, running with all his might, was not +ware of me till I had him fast: and "Why so fast?" says I, "what news?" +"Quick," he answered, "away with ye! for here cometh a corporal with +six musqueteers that are to seize you and Oliver and bring you to +Liechteneck dead or alive: they took me and would have it I should lead +them to you: yet am I luckily escaped and come hither to warn ye." + +"O villain," thought I, "thou hast betrayed us to get Oliver's money +that lieth in the tree." Yet of this I let him mark nothing (for I +would have him to shew me the way), but told him both Oliver and they +that should take him were dead: which when he would not believe, I was +good enough to go with him that he might see the miserable sight of the +seven bodies, and says I, "The seventh of them that should take us I +let go: and would to God I could bring these to life again, for I would +not fail to do it." + +At that the peasant was amazed with fear and asked, "What plan have ye +now?" "Why," quoth I, "the plan is already resolved on: for I give thee +the choice of three things: either lead me by safe by-ways through the +wood to Villingen, or shew me Oliver's money that lieth in the tree, or +die here and keep these dead men company: an thou bringest me to +Villingen thou hast Oliver's money for thyself alone: if thou wilt shew +it me I will share it with thee: but if thou wilt do neither, I shoot +thee dead and go my way." + +Then would he fain have made off, but feared the musquet, and so fell +on his knees and offered to guide me through the wood. So we started in +haste and walked the whole of that day and the next night, which was by +great good luck a very bright one, without food or drink or rest of any +kind, till towards daybreak we saw the town of Villingen lie before us, +and there I let my peasant go. And what supported us in this long +journey was: for the peasant the fear of death and for me the desire to +escape, myself and my money; yea, I do wellnigh believe that gold +lendeth a man strength: for though I carried a heavy enough load of it +yet I felt no especial weariness. + +I held it for a lucky omen that even as I came to the gates of +Villingen they were being opened, where the officer of the watch +examined me; and hearing that I gave myself out to be a volunteer +trooper of that regiment to which Herzbruder had appointed me when he +released me from my musquet at Philippsburg, and also said that I had +escaped from Weimar's camp before Breisach, by whose men I had been +captured at Wittenweier and made to serve among them, and that I now +desired to come to my regiment among the Bavarians, he gave me in +charge to a musqueteer, who led me to the commandant. The same was yet +asleep, for he had spent half the night awake about his affairs, so +that I must wait a full hour and a half before his quarters, and +because the folk just then came from early mass I had a crowd of +citizens and soldiers around me that would all know how matters stood +before Breisach: at which clamour the commandant awoke and without +further delay had me brought to him. + +Then began he to examine me, and I said even as I did at the gate. +Whereupon he asked me of certain particularities of the siege and so +forth, and at that I confessed all; namely, how I had spent some few +days with a fellow that had also escaped, and with him had attacked and +plundered a coach, with intent to get so much booty from Weimar's +people that we could get us horses, and so properly equipped could come +to our regiments again; but yesterday we had been attacked unawares by +a corporal and six other fellows that would have taken us, whereby my +comrade had been left dead on the field with six of the enemy, while +the seventh as well as I had escaped: but he to his own party. But of +the rest, namely, how I would have come to my wife at Lippstadt, and +how I had two such well-stuffed breast and back-plates, of that I said +no word, and made no scruple to conceal it, for what did it concern +him? Nor did he ask me of it at all, but much more was amazed and would +hardly believe that Oliver and I had killed six men and put the seventh +to flight, even though my comrade had paid with his life. So as we +talked there was occasion to speak of Oliver's wonderful sword that I +had by my side: which pleased him so well that if I would part civilly +from him and get a pass I must hand it over to him in return for +another that he gave me. And in truth it was a fine and beautiful +blade, with a perpetual calendar engraved thereupon, nor shall any +persuade me 'twas not forged by Vulcan _in hora Martis_, and altogether +so prepared as is told of that sword in the Heldenbuch, by which all +other swords are cleft asunder and the most courageous and lion-hearted +foes are put to flight like fearful hares. So when he had dismissed me +and commanded to give me a pass I went the nearest way to an inn, and +knew not whether I should first eat or sleep: for I needed both. Yet +would I sooner appease my belly, and so commanded meat and drink, and +considered how I should lay my plans to come in safety to my wife at +Lippstadt with my money; for I was as little minded to go to my +regiment as to break my neck. + +But while I so speculated and mused of one and another cunning device, +there limped into the room a fellow with a stick in his hand, his head +bound up, one arm in a sling, and clothes so poor that I would have +given him not a penny for them: and so soon as the drawer was ware of +him he would have cast him forth, for he smelt vilely and was so full +of lice that a man could have garrisoned the whole Swabian[34] heath +with them. Yet he prayed he might but be allowed to warm himself, which +yet was not granted. But I taking pity on him and interceding for him, +with difficulty he was let to come to the stove: and there he looked +upon me, as I thought, with a curious longing and a great attention to +my drinking, and uttered many sighs. So when the drawer went to fetch +me a dish of meat, he came to me at my table and held out an earthen +penny-pot, so that I might well understand what he would have: so I +took the can and filled up his little pot for him before he asked. But +"O friend," says he, "for Herzbruder's sake give me somewhat to eat +also." Which when he said it cut me to the heart; for well I saw it was +Herzbruder himself. Then had I nearly swooned to see him in so evil a +plight, yet I recovered myself and fell upon his neck and set him by +me, where the tears did gush from our eyes: his for joy and mine for +pity. + + + + +_Chap. xxiv._: OF THE MANNER IN WHICH HERZBRUDER FELL INTO SUCH EVIL +PLIGHT + + +Now by reason of the suddenness of this our meeting we could neither +eat nor drink, but only ask one of the other how it had fared with each +since we had last met. Yet as the host and the drawer went ever in and +out, we could have no private discourse: and the host marvelling that I +could suffer so lousy a companion by me, I told him that in time of war +such was the custom among good soldiers that were comrades: and when I +understood further how Herzbruder had till now been in the Spital, and +there had been supported by alms, and his wounds but sorrily bound up, +I hired of the host a separate chamber, put Herzbruder to bed, and sent +for the best surgeon I could find, besides a tailor and a sempstress to +clothe him and to rid him of his lice: and having in my purse those +same doubloons that Oliver had fetched out of the dead Jew's mouth, I +cast them on the table, and says I to Herzbruder, in the host's +hearing, "See, brother; there is my money: that will I spend on thee +and consume with thee." + +So with that the host entertained us nobly: but to the surgeon I showed +the ruby that had belonged to the said Jew, and was worth some 20 +thalers, and told him that as I purposed to spend such small moneys as +I had for our food and for the clothing of my comrade, therefore I +would give him that ring if he would quickly and thoroughly cure my +said comrade, with which he was content, and bestowed his best care +upon that cure. And so I tended Herzbruder like my second self, and +caused a modest suit of grey cloth to be made for him. But first I went +to the commandant for my pass, and told him how I had met a comrade +sorely wounded: for him I would wait till he was sound, for were I to +leave him behind me I could not answer for it to my regiment: which +intention the commandant approved and allowed me to stay as long as I +listed, with the further offer that when my comrade could follow me he +would provide us both with sufficient passes. + +Then, coming back to Herzbruder and sitting by his bed alone, I begged +him he would freely tell me how he had come into so evil a plight: for +I thought he might perchance have been driven from his former place for +weighty reasons or for some fault, and so degraded and brought to his +present evil case. But "Brother," said he, "thou knowest that I was the +Count of Götz his factotum and dearest intimate friend: on t'other hand +thou knowest well how evil an end this last campaign hath come to under +his generalship and command, wherein we not only lost the Battle of +Wittenweier, but did also fail to raise the siege of Breisach. Seeing, +then, that on this account all manner of rumours be afloat, and that +most unfair ones, and in especial now that the said count is cited to +Vienna to justify himself, therefore for fear and shame I do willingly +live in this humble plight, and often do wish either to die in this +misery or at least so long to lie concealed till the said Count shall +have proved his innocence: for so far as I know he was at all times +true to the Roman emperor: and that in this set year he hath had no +good luck is, in my opinion, more to be ascribed to the Providence of +God (who giveth victory to whom He will) than to the Count his +neglectfulness. + +"Now when we were to relieve Breisach and I saw that on our side all was +done so sleepily, I armed mine own self and marched forth with the rest +upon the bridge of boats as if I in person were to finish the business; +which was neither my profession nor my duty: yet I did it for an +example to others, because we had accomplished so little that summer +then past. But luck or ill-luck would so have it that I, being among +the first to sally forth, was also among the first to look the enemy in +the face upon the bridge, where was a sharp encounter, and as I had +been foremost in attack, so when we gave way before the furious charge +of the French I was the last to retreat, and so fell into the enemy's +hands: and there did I receive a bullet in the right arm and another in +the leg, so that I could neither run nor hold a sword: and as the +straitness of the place and the desperateness of the action allowed no +talk of giving or taking of quarter, I got me a crack on the head which +brought me to the ground, and there, being finely clad, I was by some +stripped and in the confusion thrown into the Rhine for dead: in which +sore strait I called to God for help and left myself to His good +pleasure; and while I offered up my prayers I found His help at hand: +for the Rhine did cast me up on land where I did staunch my wounds with +moss: and though in so doing I was nigh frozen, yet I found in me a +special strength to creep from thence (for God helped me) so that I, +though miserably wounded, came to certain Merode-brothers[35] and +soldiers' wives, that one and all had compassion on me though they knew +me not: yet all already despaired of the relief of that fortress; and +that did hurt me more than all my wounds: but they refreshed and +clothed me by their fire, and before I could even bandage up my wounds +I must behold how our people prepared for a shameful retreat and gave +up our cause as lost: which caused me dreadful pain: and for that +reason I resolved to make myself known to none, and so not to make +myself a mark for mockery: wherefore I joined myself to certain wounded +men of our army that had their own surgeon with them: to him I gave a +golden cross that I still had about my neck, for which he bound up my +wounds so as to last till now. And in such poor plight, my good +Simplicissimus, have I made shift so far, and am minded to reveal to no +man who I am till I see how the Count of Götz his affair will turn out. +And now that I see thy goodness and faith, it breedeth in me great +comfort that the good God hath not forsaken me: for this very morning, +when I came from early mass and saw thee stand before the commandant's +quarters, I did fancy that God had sent thee to me in shape of an angel +to help me in my need." + +So I did comfort him as best I could, and secretly told him I had yet +more money than those doubloons that he had seen; and that all was at +his service. Therewith I also told him of Oliver's end, and how I had +perforce avenged his death, which so enlivened his spirits that it also +helped his body, in such wise that every day he grew better of his +wounds. + + + + + +BOOK V + + + + +_Chap. i._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TURNED PALMER AND WENT ON A PILGRIMAGE +WITH HERZBRUDER + + +Now Herzbruder being wholly restored and healed of his wounds, he told +me in secret he had in his greatest need made a vow to go on a +pilgrimage to Einsiedeln. And since in any case he was now so near to +Switzerland, he would perform the same though he must beg his way +thither. This was pleasant hearing for me: so I offered him my money +and my company, yea, and would buy a couple of nags to do the journey +upon, not indeed for the reason that religion urged me thereto, but +rather to see the Confederates' country as the one land wherein sacred +peace yet flourished. So I rejoiced much to have the opportunity to +serve Herzbruder on such a journey, seeing that I loved him almost more +than myself. Yet he refused both my help and my company with the excuse +that his pilgrimage must be performed on foot and with peas in his +shoes: and should I be in his company not only should I hinder him in +his pious thoughts, but should also bring on myself great discomfort by +reason of his slow going. All which he said to be rid of me, because he +did scruple on so holy a journey to spend money that had been gained by +robbery and murder: besides, he would not put me to too great expense, +and said openly that I had already done more for him than I owed him or +he could hope to repay: upon which we fell into a friendly dispute, +which same was so pleasant a quarrel that I have never heard the like, +for we talked of nothing but this, that each one said he had not yet +done for his fellow so much as one friend should for another, nay, was +yet far from making up for the benefits he had received. Yet all this +would not move him to take me for a companion, till I perceived that he +had a disgust both at Oliver's money and mine own godless life: +therefore I made shift with a lie and persuaded him that my intent to +reform my life did move me to go to Einsiedeln: and should he hinder me +from so good a work, and I thereupon should die, he should hardly +answer for it: by which I persuaded him to suffer me to visit that holy +place with him, especially since I (though 'twas all lies) made an +appearance of great penitence for my wicked life, and moreover did +persuade him I had laid on myself a penance to go to Einsiedeln on peas +even as he. But this quarrel was scarce over ere we fell into another, +for Herzbruder was too full of scruples: and hardly would he suffer me +to use the commandant's pass, because 'twas made out for me to go to my +regiment. + +"How now!" said he, "is it not our intent to better our lives and to go +to Einsiedeln? And now see, in heaven's name wilt thou make a beginning +with deceit and blind men's eyes with falsehood? 'He that denieth Me +before the world him will I deny before My heavenly Father,' saith +Christ. What faint-hearted cowards be we! If all Christ's martyrs and +confessors had done the same there would be few saints in heaven. Let +us go in God's name and under His protection whither our holy intent +and desires lead us, and let God contrive for us the rest: for so will +He bring us in safety where our souls shall find peace." But when I set +before him how man should not tempt God, but suit himself to the times, +and use such means as could not be done without, and specially because +to go on pilgrimage was an unwonted thing for the Soldatesca, so that +if we revealed our purpose we should be accounted rather deserters than +pilgrims, which might bring us great trouble and danger: and chiefly +how the holy apostle St. Paul, to whom we could not compare ourselves, +had wonderfully suited himself to the times and needs of this world, at +the last he consented that I should get a pass to go to my regiment. +With this we passed out of the town at the shutting of the gates, with +a trusty guide, as we would go to Rotweil; but turned off short by a +by-way and came the same night over the Switzers' boundary and next +morning to a village, where we equipped ourselves with long black +cloaks, pilgrims' staves, and rosaries, and sent our guide home with a +good wage. + +And here in comparison with other German lands the country seemed to me +as strange as if I had been in Brazil or China. I saw how the people +did trade and traffic in peace, how the stalls were full of cattle and +the farmyards crowded with fowls, geese, and ducks, the roads were used +in safety by travellers, and the inns were full of people making merry. +There was no fear of an enemy, no dread of plundering, and no terror of +losing goods and life and limb; each man lived under his own vine and +fig-tree, and that moreover (in comparison with other German lands) in +joy and delight, so that I held this land for an earthly Paradise, +though by nature it seemed rough as might be. So it came about that all +along the road I did but gape at this and that, whereas Herzbruder was +praying on his rosary, for which I earned many a reproof from him; for +he would have it I should pray without ceasing, to which I could not +accustom myself. + +But at Zurich he found me out and told me the truth as tartly as might +be. For having rested the night at Schaffhausen, where the peas did +mightily gall my feet, and I fearing to walk upon them next day, I had +them boiled and put into my shoes again, and so came happily to Zurich, +while he found himself in sorry plight, and said to me, "Brother, thou +hast great favour of God, that notwithstanding the peas in thy shoes +thou canst walk so well." "Yea," said I, "dear Herzbruder: but I did +boil them, or I had not been able so far to walk upon them." + +"God-a-mercy!" says he, "what hast done? Thou hadst better have put +them out of thy shoes if thou didst but act a mockery with them. I fear +me lest God punish thee and me alike. Take it not evil of me, brother, +if I of brotherly love do tell thee in plain German what I have at +heart, namely this, that I fear, unless thou dealest otherwise with +God, thine eternal salvation standeth in jeopardy: I do assure thee, I +love no man more than thee, yet I deny not that if thou betterest not +thyself I must scruple to bear such love to thee further." At which I +was struck so dumb with fear that I could not at all recover myself, +but freely confessed to him I had put the peas in my shoes not for +piety but to please him, that he might take me with him on his journey. +"Ah, brother," quoth he, "I see thou art far from the way of salvation, +peas or no peas: God give thee a better mind; for without such cannot +our friendship endure." + +From that time forward I followed him sorrowfully as one going to the +gallows; for my conscience began to smite me; and as I reflected on all +manner of things, all the tricks I had played in my life did pass +before mine eyes: and first I lamented that my lost innocence, that I +had brought out from the forest and in the world had in so many ways +forfeited; and what increased my trouble was this, that Herzbruder +spake now but little with me, and looked not upon me save with sighs, +so that it seemed to me as he were certain of my damnation and lamented +it. + + + + +_Chap. ii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS, BEING TERRIFIED OF THE DEVIL, WAS +CONVERTED + + +In such fashion we came even to Einsiedeln, and so into the church even +as the priest was casting out an evil spirit: which was to me a new and +strange sight, wherefore I left Herzbruder to kneel and pray as much as +he listed and went off from curiosity to see such a spectacle. But +hardly had I drawn nigh when the evil spirit cried out of the poor man, +"Oho! rascal, doth ill-luck send thee hither? I did think to find thee +with Oliver in our hellish abode when I should return, and now I see +thou art to be found here. Thou adulterous, murderous whoremonger, +canst thou think to escape us? O ye priests, have naught to do with +him: he is a worse hypocrite and liar than I: he doth but mock and make +a jest of God and religion." Thereupon the exorcist commanded the +spirit to be silent, for none would believe him as being an arch-liar. + +"Yes, yes," he answered, "ask this runagate monk's companion and he can +well tell you that this atheist is not afraid to boil the peas upon +which he vowed to travel hither." Upon which I knew not whether I stood +on my head or my heels, hearing all this and all men staring upon me: +but the priest rebuked the spirit and bade him be silent: yet would not +that day cast him out. In the meanwhile came Herzbruder, even as I +looked for very terror more like a dead than a live man, and between +hope and fear knew not what to be at. So he comforted me as best he +could, assuring the bystanders, and especially the good fathers, that +in my life I had never been a monk, but certainly a soldier that +perhaps might have done more evil than good: and added, the devil was a +liar and had made the story of the peas much worse than it really was. +Yet was I so confounded in spirit that 'twas with me even as if I +already felt the pains of hell, so that the priests had much ado to +comfort me: yea, they bade me go to confession and communion, but the +spirit cried again out of the man possessed, "Yes, yes: he will make a +fine confession, that knoweth not even what confession is: and indeed +what would ye have of him? for he is of a heretic mind and belongeth to +us: yea, his parents were more of Anabaptists than Calvinists...." But +at that the exorcist again commanded the spirit to hold his peace and +said to him, "So will it grieve thee the more if this poor lost sheep +be snatched out of thy jaws and gathered into the fold of Christ": at +which the spirit began to roar so fearfully that 'twas terrible to +hear: yet in that grisly song I found my greatest comfort; for I +thought if I could not again enjoy God's favour the devil would not +take it so ill. + +Now although I was then in no wise prepared for confession, and though +in my lifetime it had never come into my thoughts, but I had always for +mere shame feared it as the devil fears holy water, yet at that moment +I felt in me such repentance for my sins and such a desire to do +penance and to lead a better life that forthwith I asked for a +confessor; at which sudden conversion and amendment of life Herzbruder +rejoiced greatly; for he had perceived and well knew that so far I had +belonged to no religion. Thereafter I openly professed myself of the +Catholic Church, went to confession and to mass after absolution +received, with all which I felt so light and easy at my heart that 'tis +not to be expressed: and what is most marvellous is this, that the +devil in the possessed man henceforward left me in peace, whereas +before my confession and absolution he cast up against me certain +knaveries I had committed, with such particularities as he had been +ordained for naught else but to point out my sins: yet the hearers +believed him not, as being a liar, especially since my honourable +pilgrim's dress shewed me in another light. + +In this gracious place we abode fourteen days, and there I thanked God +for my conversion, and marked the miracles that were there done: all +which did incite me to some shew of piety and godliness. Yet did the +same last but as long as it might: for even as my conversion took its +beginning, not from love of God but from dread and fear of damnation, +so did I by degrees become lukewarm and slothful, because I little by +little forgot the terror that the Evil One had struck into me. So when +we had sufficiently viewed the relics of the saints, the vestments, and +other remarkable things of the abbey, we betook ourselves to Baden, +there to spend the winter. + + + + +_Chap. iii._: HOW THE TWO FRIENDS SPENT THE WINTER + + +There did I hire a cheerful parlour and a chamber for us, such as the +visitors to the baths do commonly use to have, especially in summer: +which be mostly rich Switzers that do resort here more to pass the time +and make a show than to take baths for any disease. So also I bargained +for our food, and Herzbruder, seeing how princely I began, counselled +me frugality, and reminded me of the long hard winter that we had yet +to pass, for he dreamt not that my money would hold out so long; and I +should need all I had, he said, for the spring when we should depart: +for much money was soon spent if one ever took from it and never added +to it: 'twas blown away like smoke and was certain never to return, +etc. At such loyal counsel I could no longer conceal from Herzbruder +how rich my treasury was, and how I was minded to spend it for the good +of both of us, since its extraction and growth were so unholy that I +could not think to buy lands with it; and even if I were not minded to +spend it so as to maintain so my best friend on earth, yet it were but +right that he, Herzbruder, should enjoy Oliver's money in revenge for +the insult he had before received from him before Magdeburg. And when I +knew myself to be in all safety, I drew off my two shoulder-bags, +divided the ducats and pistoles, and said to Herzbruder he might +dispose of this money at will, and spend and disburse it as he would, +so that it might best profit us both. + +When he saw, besides the greatness of my faith in him, how much the +money was, with which I, without him, could have been a pretty rich +man, "Brother," says he, "since I have known thee thou hast done naught +but shew thy constant love and truth to meward. But tell me, how +thinkest thou that I can ever repay thee? I speak not of the money, for +this perchance might in time be repaid, but of thy love and faith, and +especially of the exceeding trust thou hast in me, which is not to be +estimated. In a word, brother, thy noble soul doth make me thy slave, +and the favour thou shewest me is more easy to admire than to repay. O +honest Simplicissimus, into whose mind it never entereth (even in these +godless days in which the world is full of knavery) to think how poor, +needy Herzbruder might with this fair stock of money make off and in +his place leave thee in want! Of a surety, brother, this proof of true +friendship bindeth me more to thee than if a rich lord should give me +thousands. Only I beg thee, my brother, remain master guardian and +steward of thine own money. For me 'tis enough that thou art my +friend." + +To this I answered, "What strange discourses be these, my honoured +Herzbruder? Ye give me to understand ye are much bounden to me, and yet +will ye not see to it that I spend not my money vainly and to your +damage and mine!" And so we disputed with one another childishly +enough, because each was drunken with love of the other: thus was +Herzbruder made at once my steward, my treasurer, my servant, and my +master: and in our time of leisure he told me of his life and by what +means he was known and promoted by Count Götz, whereupon I told him how +I had fared since his father (of pious memory) died: for until then we +had never had so much time. But when he heard I had a young wife in +Lippstadt, he did reprove me that I had not repaired to her rather than +with him to Switzerland, for that had been more fitting, and was my +duty moreover: and when I would excuse myself, that I could not find it +in my heart to leave him, my best friend, in misery, he persuaded me to +write to my wife and tell her of my condition, with the promise to +visit her as soon as might be: to that I did add excuses for my long +absence, namely, all manner of contrarious happenings, though greatly I +had desired to be with her long ere now. + +Meanwhile Herzbruder, learning from the public prints that it stood +well with General Count Götz, and that in particular he would succeed +in his vindication before his Imperial Majesty, would be set free, and +even again receive command of an army, sent an account of how he stood +to that general at Vienna, and wrote also to the Bavarian army on the +score of his baggage that he had there: yea, and began to hope his +fortunes would again flourish. Upon which we concluded to part in the +spring, he going to the said count, and I to my wife at Lippstadt: yet +not to pass the winter in idleness we did learn from an engineer to +make more fortifications on paper than the kings of France and Spain +together could build: so too I made acquaintance with certain +alchymists that, because they saw I had money at my back, would teach +me to make gold, an I would but bear the expense of it: yea, and I do +believe they had persuaded me thereto had not Herzbruder given them +their congé, saying that he that possessed such an art would not need +to go about like a beggar, nor to ask others for money. + +But though Herzbruder did receive from Vienna a gracious answer from +the said count and fine promises, I heard no single word from +Lippstadt, though on several post-days I did write in duplicate. Which +put me in ill humour and was the cause that that spring I went not to +Westphalia, but obtained from Herzbruder that he should take me with +him to Vienna and let me share in his hoped-for good fortune. So with +my money we equipped ourselves like two cavaliers, both in clothing, +horses, servants, and arms, and travelled by Constance to Ulm, where we +embarked upon the Danube, and from thence in eight days came safely to +Vienna. + + + + +_Chap. iv._: IN WHAT MANNER SIMPLICISSIMUS AND HERZBRUDER WENT TO THE +WARS AGAIN AND RETURNED THENCE + + +Things be strangely ordered in this changeful world; 'Tis said he that +should know all things would soon be rich: but I say he that always +could seize his opportunity would soon be great and powerful. For many +a skinflint or cheese-parer (both which honourable titles are given to +misers) gets rich enough by knowing and using some knack of gain: yet +is he not therefore great, but is and remaineth always of less +estimation than when he was poor: but he that can make himself great +and powerful, him riches follow after close. So did luck, that is wont +to give power and riches, look on me favourably for once, and gave me +when I had been some eight days in Vienna opportunity in hand to mount +upon the rungs of fame without hindrance: yet I did it not. And why? I +hold 'twas because my fate had willed for me another road, namely, that +along which my foolishness did lead me. + +For the Count von der Wahl, under whose command I had before made +myself famous in Westphalia, was even then in Vienna when I came +thither with Herzbruder: which last was at a banquet when divers +Imperialist councillors of war were present with the Count of Götz and +others, where the talk was of all manner of strange fellows, soldiers +of different qualities, and famous partisans: and there was mention +made of the huntsman of Soest, and such famous exploits of him told +that some wondered at the youth of the fellow and lamented that the +crafty Hessian colonel Saint André had hung a weight round his neck so +that he must either lay aside the sword or serve under Swedish colours: +for the said Count von der Wahl had found out all the trick which the +same colonel had played me at Lippstadt. Herzbruder, that was there +present and would fain have forwarded my interest, asked for indulgence +and leave to speak, and said he knew that huntsman of Soest better than +any man in the world, which was not only a good soldier that feared not +the smell of powder, but also a good rider, a perfected fencer, an +excellent professor of musquetry and artillery, and besides all this +one that would yield place to no engineer in the world: that he had +left not only his wife (that had been so shamefully imposed upon him), +but all that he had at Lippstadt, and again sought the emperor's +service, and so had in the last campaign served under the Count of +Götz, and being then taken by the troops of Weimar and desiring to +return to the Imperialists, had with his comrade slain a corporal and +six musqueteers that had pursued them and would bring them back, and +had earned rich booty thereby, and so had come with him to Vienna with +intent to offer his service once more against his Imperial Majesty's +enemies, provided only he could have such terms as suited him: for as a +common soldier he would serve no more. + +By this time the worshipful company were so flustered with good liquor +that they must satisfy their curiosity to see the huntsman: to which +end Herzbruder was sent to fetch me in a coach: who on the way +instructed me how I should carry myself among these persons of quality, +since my fortune in time to come depended on this. So when I came to +them, at first I answered all questions very short and sententiously, +so that they began to admire me as one who said nothing that had not a +prudent meaning: in a word, I so presented myself that I pleased all, +besides this, that I had from Count von Wahl the reputation of a good +soldier. But with all this I got drunk, and well can I believe that in +that condition I proved to all how little I had been at court. And this +was the end of it all: that a colonel of foot promised me a company in +his regiment, which I refused not: for I thought, "To be a captain is +indeed no trifle." Yet Herzbruder next day rebuked me for my folly, and +said, had I but held out longer I had risen to high rank. + +So was I presented to a company as their captain, which company, +although with me 'twas in respect of officers fully staffed, yet +counted no more than seven privates that could stand sentry. Besides, +my under-officers were such old cripples that I must needs scratch my +head when I looked upon them. And so it came about that in the next +engagement, which happened not long after, I was with them miserably +beaten: in which affair Count von Götz lost his life and Herzbruder his +testicles, which were shot away: and I had my share in the leg though +'twas but a trifling wound. Whereupon we betook ourselves to Vienna, +there to be cured, and also because we had there left all our property. +But besides these wounds, which were soon healed, there appeared in +Herzbruder other evil symptoms which the doctors could not at first +recognise, for he was paralysed in all his extremities like a choleric +person whom his gall doth plague, to which complexion he was no more +given than to anger. Nevertheless he was counselled to take the waters, +and to that end the Griesbach in the Black Forest was commended to him. +And so doth fortune suddenly change. For Herzbruder just before had +been minded to marry a young lady of quality, and to that end to get +him made a Freiherr and me a nobleman: but now must he make other +plans; for having lost that by which he had meant to propagate his +family, and being, moreover, threatened with a tedious sickness ensuing +upon that loss, in which he would have need of good friends, he made +his will, and appointed me heir of all his property, the more so +because he saw how for his sake I cast my fortune to the winds and gave +up my command, that I might bear him company to the Spa and there wait +on him till he should recover his health. + + + + +_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS RODE COURIER AND IN THE LIKENESS OF +MERCURY LEARNED FROM JOVE WHAT HIS DESIGN WAS AS REGARDS WAR AND PEACE + + +So as soon as Herzbruder could ride we despatched our money (for now we +had but one purse in common) by way of banker's draft to Basel, +equipped ourselves with horses and servants, and made our way up the +Danube to Ulm and thence to the Spa before mentioned, for now 'twas May +and pleasant travelling. There did we hire a lodging: but I rid to +Strassburg, not only to receive in part our money which we had conveyed +thither by way of Basel, but also to inquire for the medicos of +experience that should prescribe for Herzbruder recipes and the manner +of his taking the baths. These came to me, and were of opinion that +Herzbruder had indeed been poisoned, yet was the poison not strong +enough to kill him offhand, and therefore it had made its way into his +limbs, from whence it must be evacuated by drugs, antidotes and +sweating-baths, which cure would last some eight weeks or so. At that +Herzbruder remembered at once when and by whom that poison had been +given him; namely, by them that would have had his place in the army: +and when he further learned from the physicians that his cure needed no +spa, then was he assured the field-surgeon had by his enemies been +bribed to send him so far away: yet did he resolve to complete his cure +there at the spa, for 'twas not only a healthy air but also there was +cheerful company among the bathing-guests. + +This time would I not waste: for I had a desire to see my wife once +more: and since Herzbruder needed me not greatly, I did open to him my +project, which he did praise, and advised me I should visit her, giving +me also certain trinkets of price which I should on his behalf present +to her, and therewith beg her pardon for that he had been the cause why +I had not before sought her out. With that I rode to Strassburg, and +not only provided myself with moneys but inquired also how I might +prosecute my journey in the safest way: whereupon I found 'twas not to +be accomplished by a horseman riding alone; for the roads were made +unsafe by the parties sent out from so many garrisons of the two +contending armies. So I got me a pass for a post-rider of Strassburg, +and drew up certain letters to my wife, her sisters, and her parents, +as I would send him with them to Lippstadt: yet feigned to be of a +different mind, took back the pass from the messenger, sent back my +horse and servant, and disguised myself in a red and white livery: in +that I journeyed by ship to Cologne, which was at that time neutral +between the two parties. + +And first I must go to visit my Jupiter, that had aforetime appointed +me his Ganymede, to ask how it fared with the property I had left +there: but him I found quite brain-sick again and full of anger against +the human race. "O Mercury," says he, as soon as he saw me, "what news +from Münster? Do men conceive they can make peace without my good will? +Nay, never! they did have peace. Why kept they it not? Was not vice +everywhere triumphant when they provoked me to send them war? And how +have they deserved that I should give them peace again? Have they since +been converted? Are they not become worse, and do they not run into war +as to a festival? Or have they perchance repented them by reason of the +famine that I sent among them, whereof so many thousands died of +hunger? Or hath the grievous pestilence terrified them to better their +ways, whereby so many millions were cut off? Nay, nay, Mercurius, they +that remain, that did see these dreadful sufferings with their own +eyes, have not only not repented, but be grown worse than ever they +were. And if they have not been turned by so many sore plagues, nor +have ceased to live in godless wise in the midst of such trial and +tribulation, what will they do if I should grant them again the +delights of golden peace? Then must I fear lest, as once did the +giants, so they now should try to storm my heaven. But such overweening +I will check in good time and leave them to perish in their war." But I +knowing how one must go about with this god if one would make him hear +reason, "Oh, great god," says I, "all the world doth sigh for peace and +promise great amendment: why wilt thou then continue to refuse them +such?" "Yea," answered Jupiter, "doubtless they sigh: yet not for my +sake but their own: not that each may praise God under his own vine and +fig-tree, but that they may enjoy the fruit thereof in peace and +delight. Of late I asked of a scurvy tailor, should I give him peace? +He gave me answer, 'twas the same to him, that must ply his needle as +well in peace as in war: and the like answer I got from a brazier, +which said if he could get no bells to found in peace time, yet in time +of war he had enough to do with cannon and mortars. So likewise, a +smith replied to me and said, 'Though I have no ploughs and hay-carts +to mend in war-time, yet have I so many war-horses and army waggons to +deal with that I can well afford to do without peace.' Lookye then, +dear Mercurius, why should I grant them peace? True there be some that +do desire it, yet only as I say, for their belly's sake and their +pleasure: contrariwise there be others that will still have war, not +because 'tis my will, but because 'tis for their profit. And just as +the masons and carpenters desire peace, to earn money by the building +again of ruined houses, so others that be not sure of earning a living +by their handicraft in time of peace do hope for the continuing of war, +wherein they can steal." + +Now when I found my Jupiter so to go about with these matters, I could +well conceive that he, with so confused a mind, could give me little +account of mine own, and so I made not my business known to him, but +took the bull by the horns, and away by by-paths well known to me, to +Lippstadt, where I inquired for my father-in-law as I were a messenger +from foreign parts, and learned at once that he, with his wife, had +quitted this world six months before, and secondly, that my dear wife, +having been delivered of a man-child, that was now with her sister, had +in like manner straightway, after her lying-in, quitted this mortal +scene. Upon that I delivered to my brother-in-law the writings which I +had before addressed to my father-in-law, to my wife, and to him, my +wife's brother. Who would have entertained me himself, to learn from +me, as from a messenger, how it fared with Simplicissimus and of what +rank he was now. In the end mine own sister-in-law did at length +converse with me, I telling of myself all the good I knew; for my +pock-pitted face had so marred and changed me that no man could know me +more, save Herr von Schönstein: and he, as my true friend, did hold his +tongue. But I telling her at length how Herr Simplicissimus had many +fine horses and servants and rode abroad in a black-velvet coat all +trimmed with gold, "Yea," said she, "I did ever believe he was of no +such low descent as he gave himself out to be: the commandant of this +place did ever persuade my late parents, with great assurances, that +they had made a good match with him for my sister, which had ever been +a virtuous maiden: yet of all that I myself could never look for a good +ending. Nevertheless did he content himself and resolve to take upon +him either Swedish or Hessian service in the garrison here: and to that +end would he fetch hither his goods that he had left at Cologne: which +turned out ill, and he himself was by clean roguery spirited away into +France, leaving my sister, that had had him to husband but for four +weeks, yea, and a half-dozen of citizens' daughters likewise, with +child by him; all which one after another, and my sister last of all, +were brought to bed of boys. So since my father and mother were dead, +and I and my husband without hope of children, we did adopt my sister's +child to be the heir of all our property, and with the help of the +commandant here did get possession of his father's money at Cologne; +which same might be reckoned at three thousand gulden; and so the young +lad when he shall come of age shall have no cause to count himself +among the paupers. Yea, I and my husband do love the child so much that +we would not yield him up to his own father though he came in person to +fetch him away: moreover, he is the comeliest of all his half-brothers, +and so like to his father as he had been cut out on his very pattern: +and I know if my brother-in-law did but hear what a fair son he hath he +would not delay to come hither were it but to see the little +sweetheart." + +The like talk my sister-in-law held, by which I might well perceive her +love to my child, which now ran about in his first breeches, and +rejoiced mine heart: and with that I brought out the trinkets that +Herzbruder had given me to present on his behalf to my wife: which, +said I, Master Simplicissimus had given me to deliver to his wife for a +salutation: who being dead, I accounted it fair to leave the same for +his child: all which my brother-in-law and his wife received with joy, +and were convinced thereby that I had no want of means, but must indeed +be a fellow of a different sort from that which they had fancied me to +be. So now I pressed for leave to be gone, and having obtained such, I +begged in the name of Simplicissimus to kiss Simplicissimus the +younger, that I might tell the same to his father for a token. And this +being done with the goodwill of my sister-in-law, my nose and the +child's began at once and together to bleed, till I thought my heart +would break: yet did I hide my feelings, and that none might have time +to mark the cause of this sympathy, I took myself off at once, and +after fourteen days of much trouble and danger came again to the spa in +beggar's garb: for on the way I had been plundered and stripped. + + + + +_Chap. vi._: A STORY OF A TRICK THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS PLAYED AT THE SPA + + +So being returned, I found Herzbruder rather worse than better, though +the doctors and apothecaries had plucked him cleaner than any pigeon: +nay, more: he seemed to me now to be childish, nor could he walk +straight. I did hearten him up as best I could, but his was an ill +plight; himself perceiving well by his loss of strength that he could +not last long; and his chief comfort was this, that I should be by his +side when he should close his eyes. Contrariwise I was merry, and +sought my pleasure where I thought to find it: though in such wise that +Herzbruder lacked none of my care. Yet because I knew myself now for a +widower, the fine weather and my young blood enticed me to wantonness, +whereunto I did fully give myself over; for the fear that had possessed +me at Einsiedeln I had now quite forgot. Now there was at the spa a +fair lady[36] that gave herself out to be a person of quality, yet was +to my thinking more "mobilis" than "nobilis": to this man-trap did I +pay my constant court as to one that seemed a bona roba, and in brief +space of time did obtain not only free entry to her but also all such +favours as I could desire. Yet had I from the first a disgust at her +lightness, and so did devise how I might in all courtesy be rid of her: +for methought she had her eye more on my purse than on me for a +bridegroom: yea, and did persecute me with hot and wanton glances and +the like tokens of her burning love wheresoever I might be, till I must +be shamed both for her sake and mine own. + +At that time there was at the baths a rich Switzer of quality: from +whom was stolen not only his money, but his wife's jewellery, which was +of gold, silver, pearls, and precious stones. And since 'tis as +grievous to lose such things as 'tis hard to get them, therefore the +said Switzer would move heaven and earth to come by them again, and did +even send for the famous devil-driver of the Goatskin,[37] which +did so plague the thief by his charms that he must needs restore the +stolen goods to their proper place: for which the wizard earned ten +rix-dollars. + +With this enchanter I had fain conversed: but, as I then conceived, it +could not be, without lessening of my dignity (for at that time I +thought no small beer of myself). So I did engage my servant to be +drunk with him that same night (having learned he was a toper of the +first quality) to see if by such means I could have his acquaintance: +for so many strange things were told to me of him that I could not +believe till I had heard them from himself. To that end did I disguise +myself as a strolling quack, and sat down by him at table to see if he +could guess or the devil could tell him who I was: yet could I mark no +such knowledge in him, but he would drink and drink, taking me for that +which my raiment proclaimed me, yea, and drank some few glasses to my +health, yet shewed more respect to my knave than to me. For to him he +told in all confidence that if he that had robbed the Switzer had +thrown but the smallest part thereof into running water and so shared +the booty with the devil, it had been impossible either to name the +thief or to get back the goods. + +To all these silly conceits I listened, and wondered how the father of +deceits and lies can by so small a thing bring men into his clutches. I +could easily conceive that this was a clause in our enchanter's +indenture with the devil, and perceive how such a trick could not help +the thief if only another exorcist were fetched in to detect the theft, +in whose compact this condition was not to be found: and so charged my +knave, that could steal better than any gipsy, to make the man drunk +and then steal his ten rix-dollars, and presently thereafter to cast a +couple of batzen into the river Rench. This he did with all diligence, +and when the witch-doctor next morning missed his money, he betook +himself to a thicket by the bank of the Rench, doubtless to confer with +his familiar spirit: by whom he was so ill-handled that he came off +with a face all bruised and scratched; whereat I felt such pity for the +poor old rogue that I gave him back his money and sent him a message +that, since he now could see what a traitorous, evil spirit the devil +was, he might renounce his service and company, and turn to God again: +which warning brought me but little profit, for presently my two fair +horses sickened and died by witchcraft; and what else could I expect? +for I lived like Epicurus in his stye and never did commend my goods to +God's care: why, therefore, should the wizard not be able to revenge +himself on me? + + + + +_Chap. vii._: HOW HERZBRUDER DIED AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS AGAIN FELL TO +WANTON COURSES + + +With the spa I was the more pleased the longer I stayed, for not only +did the guests increase daily, but the place and the manner of life +also delighted me hugely. I joined acquaintance with the merriest that +resorted thither and did begin to learn courtesy and compliment, +wherewith I had till then troubled myself but little: and so was +counted as of the nobility, my people calling me ever "noble captain"; +for no mere soldier of fortune did ever gain so high a post at that age +at which I still was. So with these rich fops I made, and they with me, +not acquaintance only but sworn friendship; and pastime, play, eating, +and drinking were all my work and care, which robbed me of many a fair +ducat without my much perceiving or marking of it: for my purse was yet +fairly heavy with Oliver's legacy. + +Meanwhile things went from bad to worse with Herzbruder, till at last +he must pay the debt of nature, all doctors and physicians now +deserting him on whom they had fattened so long. So he confirmed once +more his last will and testament and made me heir of all he had to +receive from his late father's property. And in return I gave him a +noble funeral and sent his servants on their way with mourning and +money withal. + +Yet his disease heartily vexed me, and especially because he had been +poisoned: and though I could not change that, yet it changed me: for +now I eschewed all company and sought only for solitude to give a +hearing to my sad thoughts: to which end I would hide myself in some +thicket and there would muse, not only upon what a friend I had lost, +but also how I should never in my life find such another one. At times +I would lay all manner of plans for my future life and yet could +resolve on none: now I thought I would to the wars again: and then +bethought me how even the poorest peasant in this land was better off +than any colonel: for into those mountains came never a foraging party. +Yea, I could well fancy what an army would find to do there in ravaging +of the country, seeing that all the farmhouses were well kept, as if in +peace-time, and all the stalls full of cattle, while in many a village +of Germany in the plains neither dog nor cat could be found. So as I +delighted myself with hearing of the sweet song of birds, and did +fancifully conceive how the nightingale should by her dulcet song +silence all other birds and force them to listen either from shame or +to steal somewhat of her pleasant strains, there came to the opposite +bank of the stream a beauty, that did move me more, because she wore +but the habit of a peasant girl, than could any fine demoiselle have +done; which took a basket from her head wherein she had a pack of fresh +butter, to sell at the spa: this did she cool in the water that it +might not melt by reason of the great heat, and meanwhile, sitting down +upon the grass, did throw aside her kerchief and her peasant hat and +wipe the sweat from her face, so that I could exactly observe her and +feed my curious eyes upon her: and truly methought I had never seen a +fairer form in my life: for the mould of her figure seemed perfect and +without blemish, her arms and hands white as snow, her face fresh and +sweet, but her black eyes full of fire and amorous looks. So as she was +packing of her butter up again I cried across to her, "Ah, maiden, 'tis +true ye have cooled your butter in the water with your fair hands, yet +with your bright eyes have ye set my heart afire." But she no sooner +saw and heard me but away she ran as if she were pursued, without +answering me a word, and so left me possessed with all the follies +wherewith fantastic lovers are wont to be tormented. + +But my desire to be further illumined by this sun left me not in peace +in the solitude I had chosen, but caused me to care no more for the +song of the nightingale than for the howl of a wolf: therefore I made +my way to the spa, and did send my page in front to accost the pretty +butter-seller and to bargain with her till I should come: so he did his +best, and I, when I came, did mine also: but found a heart of stone, +and such coldness as I had never thought to find in any peasant-girl, +which made me yet more in love, especially since I, that had been much +a scholar in such schools, might well judge by such a carriage she +would not easily be befooled. + +And now should I have had either a great enemy or a great friend: +either an enemy to think of and devise evil against, and so to forget +my fool's love, or a friend that should give me other counsel and warn +me from the folly I proposed. But alas! I had naught but my money, +which did but dazzle me, and my blind desires which led me astray, I +giving them the rein, and mine own impudence, that ruined me and +brought me to disaster. Fool that I was, I should have judged by our +clothes, as by an evil omen, that her love would work me woe. For I +having lost Herzbruder and the girl her parents, we were both dressed +in mourning clothes when we first met: and so what joy could our love +portend? In a word, I was properly caught in a fool's snare, and +therefore as blind and without reason as the boy Cupid himself: and +because I had no hope otherwise to satisfy my bestial desires, I did +determine to marry her. + +"For how!" thought I, "thou beest by descent but a peasant's brat and +wilt never in thy life keep thy castle: and this fair champaign is a +noble land, that throughout this grisly war hath, in comparison with +other parts, maintained itself in peace and prosperity: besides, thou +hast gold enough to buy thee even the best farm in this countryside: +and now shalt thou marry with this honest peasant-girl and get thee a +lord's reputation among the country-folk. And where couldst find a +cheerfuller dwelling-place than near the spa, where thou canst, by +reason of the coming and going of the guests, see a new world every six +weeks, and so conceive how the great world doth change from one age to +another?" + +Such and a thousand like plans I made, till at length I sought my +sweetheart in marriage and (yet not without pains) did obtain her +consent. + + + + +_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND HIS SECOND MARRIAGE TURN OUT, +AND HOW HE MET WITH HIS DAD AND LEARNED WHO HIS PARENTS HAD BEEN + + +So I made fine preparation for the wedding: for all seemed rose-colour +to me. Not only did I buy up the whole farm whereon my bride had been +born, but began also a fine new building besides, as if I would rather +keep court than keep house: and before the wedding was over I had +already more than thirty head of cattle on the farm; for so many could +it maintain all the year round: in a word, I had the best of everything +and such fine household plenishing as only folly like mine could +devise. But soon I must whistle to a different tune, for I found my +bride too knowing; and now, all too late, was I ware of the cause why +she had been so loath to take me: and what vexed me most was that I +could tell to no man my silly plight. I knew well enough that 'twas +reasonable I must pay the piper; yet the knowledge made me not more +patient, still less better in life; nay, rather I thought to betray the +traitress, and so began to go a-grazing where I could find pasture: +which kept me rather in good company at the spa than at home, and for a +year at least I left my housekeeping to take care of itself. And for +her part my wife was as slovenly as I: an ox that I had had slaughtered +for household use she salted in baskets like pork, and when she was to +prepare a sucking-pig for me she tried to pluck it like a fowl: yea, +she would cook crayfish with a roasting-jack and trout on a spit: from +which examples a man may judge what manner of housewife I found her: +and withal she would drink freely of the good wine and share it with +her good friends: and that was a sign of my coming disasters. + +Now it fell out that as I was walking down the valley with some fops of +the spa to visit a company at the lower baths, there met us an old +peasant with a goat on a string, that he wished to sell, and because +methought I had seen him before, I asked whence he came with his goat. +At which he doffed his cap and "Your worship," says he, "that I may not +tell you." "How," said I, "surely thou hast not stolen the beast?" +"Nay," answered the peasant, "but I bring him from a village there in +the valley, the which I may not mention to your worship in the presence +of a goat"[38] which caused my company to laugh, and because I changed +colour they deemed I was vexed or ashamed that the peasant did answer +me so neatly. Yet my thoughts were otherwise, for by the great wart +that this peasant had, like an unicorn, in the middle of his forehead, +I was assured 'twas my dad from the Spessart, and so would first play +the conjurer before I would make myself known and delight him with so +fine a son as my clothes shewed me to be. So I said to him, "Good +father, is not your home in the Spessart?" "Yes, your worship," says +he. "Then," said I, "did ye not some eighteen year agone have +your house and farm plundered and burnt by the troopers?" "Yea, +God-a-mercy," quoth the peasant, "yet 'tis not so long ago": but I +asked him further, "Did ye not, then, have two children, a grown +daughter and a young lad that kept your sheep?" "Nay, your worship," +says my dad, "the daughter was my child but not the boy: yet would I +bring him up as mine own." And by that I understood I was no son of +this rough yokel: and that in part rejoiced me yet again troubled me, +for I thought now I must be some bastard or foundling, and therefore +asked my dad how he had come by the said boy or what reason he had had +to rear him as his own. "Ah," says he, "I had strange luck with him: by +war I got him and by war I lost him." + +But now being afeared lest some fact should come to light that would +disgrace my birth, I turned the discourse upon the goat again and asked +if he had sold it to the hostess for cooking, which would seem strange +to me as knowing that her guests used not to eat old goat's flesh. But +"Nay, your worship," quoth the peasant, "the hostess hath goats enow +and will pay naught for such: I do bring her for the countess that is +at the spa to bathe. For Doctor Busybody hath ordered certain herbs for +this goat to eat: and the milk that she gives therefrom the doctor +taketh to make a medicine for the countess, that is to drink the milk +and so be cured: for they say the countess hath no stomach, and if the +goat help her 'twill do more than the doctor and all his sawbones +together." While he thus talked I considered how I might have further +speech with him, and so offered him for the goat a dollar more than the +doctor or the countess would give: to which he readily agreed (for +small gain will easily turn folk), yet on condition he should first +tell the countess that I had bid a thaler more: and if she would give +as much she should have the preference: if not, he would bring me the +goat and would in the evening let me know how the business stood. With +that my dad went his way and I, with my company, ours: yet could I and +would I not stay longer with them, but turned me back and went where I +found my dad again: who still had his goat, for others would not give +him so much as I: which, for so rich people, did amaze me, yet made me +not more niggardly: for I took him to my new-bought farm and paid him +for his goat, and when I had him half-foxed I asked of him whence came +the lad to him of whom we spoke to-day. "Ah, your worship," says he, +"the Mansfeld war brought him to me and the Nördlingen battle took him +away again." "And that," quoth I, "must be a merry story," and so I +begged him, since we had naught else to talk of, to tell it me to pass +the time. + +With that he began, and says he, "When Mansfeld[39] lost the battle at +Höchst, his people were scattered abroad as not knowing whither to +flee: of whom many came into the Spessart, seeking woods wherein to +hide them: but though they had escaped death on the plains they found +it in the hills: for since both parties thought it their right to +plunder and murder one another on our lands, we peasants would have a +finger in their pie too. So 'twas but seldom that a farmer would go +into his woods without a musquet, for we could not bide at home with +our hoes and ploughs. And in this wild business did I light upon a fair +young lady mounted on a goodly horse, in a savage and lonesome wood, +yet not far from my farm: and just before, I had heard shots fired: and +at first I took her for a man, for she rode like such: yet when I saw +her raise hands and eyes to heaven and in a pitiful voice, though in a +strange tongue, cry aloud to God, I lowered my gun, with which I would +have fired upon her, and uncocked it; for her cries and actions did +well assure me 'twas a woman, and one in trouble withal. So we drew +near to each other, and when she saw me, 'Ah,' says she, 'if ye be a +Christian and an honest man, I pray you for God and His mercy, yea, and +for that Last Judgment before which we must all give account of our +deeds and misdeeds, to bring me to some married woman that with God's +help may deliver me of my burden!' Which words, as being of such +import, together with the gentle speech and the troubled, yet fair and +kind face of the poor lady, did compel me to such pity that I took her +horse by the bridle and led her over bush and brier to the thickest +part of the wood whither I had brought my wife, my child, my people, +and my cattle for refuge: and there within half an hour was she +delivered of that young boy of whom we did discourse to-day." + +With that my dad finished his story and his glass: for I was no niggard +of my wine for him: and when he had emptied it I asked him how it fared +thereafter with the lady: to which he answered thus: "When she was +delivered she begged me to be godfather, and to bring the child to +baptism as soon as might be, and told me her own and her husband's name +that they might be written in the book of Christenings: and then did +she open her wallet wherein she had full costly trinkets, and of these +gave so many to me, to my wife and child, my maid-servant and to +another woman that was by, that we might well be content with her: but +even while she did this, and told us of her husband, she died under our +hands, having first commended the child to us. But since the tumult in +the land was then so great that none could abide in his own house, we +had much trouble to come by a clergyman that should baptize the child +and attend the funeral. Yet both being done, 'twas commanded me by our +burgomaster and our priest that I should rear the child till 'twas +grown, and for my trouble and cost should keep all the lady's property +save a few rosaries and precious stones and jewellery, which I should +keep for the child. So my wife did nourish the babe with goat's milk, +and we loved the lad, and did think when he should be grown up to give +him our daughter to wife: but after the battle at Nördlingen did I lose +both boy and girl and all that I possessed." + +"Now," says I to my dad, "ye have told me a pretty tale enough and yet +forgot the best part: for ye have not told me the name of the lady or +her husband or the child." "Your honour," he answered, "I thought not +ye desired to know it: but the lady's name was Susanna Ramsay: her +husband was Captain Sternfels, of Fuchsheim, and because my name was +Melchior did I have the child baptized Melchior Sternfels, of +Fuchsheim, and so inscribed in the book." + +Now from that I knew clearly that I was the true-born son of my hermit +and of Governor Ramsay's sister; but alas! far too late, for my parents +were both dead, and of my uncle Ramsay could I learn nothing save that +the Hanauers had rid themselves of him and his Swedish garrison, +whereat he had gone crazy for rage and vexation. But I treated my +godfather well with wine, and next day had his wife fetcht likewise: +yet when I declared myself to them, would they not believe it, till I +did shew them a black and hairy mole I had upon my breast. + + + + +_Chap. ix._: IN WHAT MANNER THE PAINS OF CHILD-BIRTH CAME UPON HIM, AND +HOW HE BECAME A WIDOWER + + +Not long after this I did take my godfather with me, and ride into the +Spessart to get certain news and certificate of my descent and noble +birth; which I gat without difficulty from the book of baptisms and my +godfather's witness: and presently thereafter visited the priest that +had dwelt at Hanau and had taken care of me: which gave me a writing to +declare where my late father had died, and that I had abode with him to +his death and thereafter for a long time with Master Ramsay, the +commandant at Hanau, under the name of Simplicissimus: yea, I had an +instrument containing my whole history drawn up by a notary out of the +mouth of witnesses; for I thought, "Who knoweth when thou wilt have +need of it?" And this journey did cost me 400 thalers, for on my return +I was captured by a party, dismounted, and plundered so that I and my +dad or godfather came off naked and hardly with our lives. + +Meanwhile things went ill at home: for as soon as my wife knew her +husband was a nobleman she not only did play the great lady, but did +neglect all housekeeping; which I bore in silence because she was big +with child: moreover, misfortune came on my cattle and robbed me of my +chiefest and best: all which 'twould have been possible to endure, but +O Gemini! misfortunes came not singly: for even then while my wife was +delivered, the maid was brought to bed likewise: and the child she bore +was indeed like to me, but that which my wife had was so like to the +farm-servant as it had been cut on the pattern of his face. Nay, more! +for the lady of whom I writ above did in the same night cause one to be +laid at my door with notice in writing that I was the father: and so +did I get a family of three at once, and could not but expect that +others would creep out of every corner, which caused me not a few grey +hairs. But so will it fare with whoever doth follow his own bestial +lusts in such a godless and wicked way of life as I had led. + +And now what to do! I must have the baptism and be soundly punished by +the magistrate: and the government being then Swedish, and I an old +soldier of the emperor, the score was the heavier to pay: all which was +but the preface to my complete ruination the second time. And although +all these manifold disasters did greatly trouble me, yet my wife +contrariwise took all lightly; yea, did mock at me day and night about +the fine treasure that had been laid at my door and for which I had +paid so dearly: yet had she but known how 'twas with me and the maid +she would have plagued me yet worse: but that good creature was so +complacent as to let herself be persuaded with as much money as I +should other ways have been fined for her sake, to swear her child to a +fop that had at times visited me the year before and had been at the +wedding, but whom otherwise she knew not. Yet must she go a-packing, +for my wife did suspect what I thought of her and the farm-servant, yet +dared not hint thereat: for else had I proved to her that I could not +at once be with her and with the maid. Yet all the while I was +tormented with the thought that I must rear a child for my servant, and +mine own sons should not be my heirs, and yet must I hold my peace and +be glad that none else knew of it: and with such thoughts did I daily +torment myself, while my wife revelled every hour in wine; for since +our marriage she had so used herself to the bottle that 'twas seldom +away from her mouth, and she herself scarce went to bed any night but +half-drunk: by which means she robbed her child of its nourishment and +so inflamed her inward parts that soon after they fell out, and so made +me a widower the second time, which went so my heart that I wellnigh +laughed myself into a sickness. + + + + +_Chap. x._: RELATION OF CERTAIN PEASANTS CONCERNING THE WONDERFUL +MUMMELSEE + + +So now did I find myself restored to mine ancient freedom, but +with a purse pretty well emptied of gold, and yet a great household +overburdened with cattle and servants. Therefore I took my +foster-father Melchior to be as my father, and my foster-mother, his +wife, to be my mother, and young bastard Simplicissimus that had been +laid at my door I made my heir, and handed over to these two old people +house and farm, together with all my property save a few yellow-boys +and jewels that I had saved and kept hidden to meet extreme need: for +now had I conceived such a loathing for the company and society of all +women that I had determined, having fared so ill with them, never to +marry again. So this old couple, which in matters rustic could hardly +meet their likes for skill, presently arranged my housekeeping in +different fashion. For they got rid of such cattle and servants as were +of no use, and in their place had for the farm such as would bring +profit. So my old dad and my mammy bade me be of good cheer, and +promised if I would let them manage all to keep me ever a good horse in +the stable and myself so well furnished that I could now and then drink +my measure of wine with any honest companion. And presently I was ware +of what manner of people now managed my estate: for my foster-father +with the labourers tilled the ground, and bargained for cattle and +wood and resin sharper than any Jew, while his wife gave herself to +cattle-breeding and contrived to save the milk-penny and keep it better +than ten such wives as I had had. In such wise my farmyard was in short +space furnished with all needful implements and cattle small and great, +so that soon 'twas esteemed one of the best in that country-side: and I +meanwhile took my walks abroad and gave myself up to contemplations, +for when I saw how my foster-mother earned more by her bees alone, in +wax and honey, than my wife had gained from cattle, swine, and all the +rest together, I could well conceive that in other matters she would +not be caught napping. + +Now it happened on a time that I took my walk in the spa, more for the +sake of a draught of fresh water than, according to my former usage, to +make acquaintance with the fops: for I had begun to imitate the +thriftiness of my parents, who counselled me I should not much consort +with folk that so wantonly wasted their own and their father's goods. +Yet I joined myself to a company of men of moderate rank who even then +were in discourse concerning a strange matter, namely, of the +Mummelsee, which said they was bottomless, and which was situate on one +of the highest mountains near by: and they had sent for several old +peasants and would have them to tell all that one and the other had +heard of this wondrous lake, to whose stories I hearkened with great +delight, though I held them all to be as vain fables as be some of +Plinius's tales. + +For one said if any man should tie up an odd number of things such as +peas or pebbles, or what not, in a kerchief, and let it down into the +water, presently the number would be even. And if one should drop in an +even number, at once it became odd. Others, and indeed the most part, +declared, and confirmed what they said by examples, that if a man +should throw in one or more stones, however fair the skies might be +till then, at once there would arise a terrible storm with fearful +rain, hail and hurricane. From that they came to all manner of strange +histories that had happened there, and what wondrous appearances of +earth- and water-spirits had there been seen and how they had talked +with mankind. One told how on a time, as certain herdsmen were keeping +cattle by the lake, there arose a brown ox out of the water that mixed +with the other cattle, but there followed him a little mannikin to +drive him back into the lake; who would not obey till the little man +had sworn that if he did not come back he should suffer all the ills of +human kind. At which words ox and man again sank into the lake. Another +said it happened at a time when the lake was frozen over that a +peasant, with his oxen and sundry trunks of trees, such as we hew +planks out of, passed over the lake without harm; but when his dog +would follow him the ice broke, and so the poor beast fell in and was +never seen again. And yet another swore 'twas solemn truth that a +huntsman following in the track of game was passing by the lake, and +there saw a water-spirit sitting with a whole lapful of coined money +and playing therewith; at whom when he would have shot, the spirit sank +into the water, and cried, "Hadst thou but prayed me to help thee in +thy trade, I would have made thee and thine rich for life." + +Such and the like tales, which seemed to me all as fables with which we +do amuse our children, did I hearken to, and never deemed it possible +that there could be such a bottomless lake upon a high mountain. But +there were other peasants, and those old and credible men, that +affirmed that within their own and their father's memory high and +princely persons had journeyed to behold the said lake, and that a +reigning Duke of Würtemberg had caused a raft to be made, and had put +out into the lake thereupon to sound its depth: but that after the +measures had already let down nine thread-cables (which is a measure of +length better understanded of the peasants' wives of the Black Forest +than of me or any other geometer) with a sinking-lead, and yet had +found no bottom, the raft, contrary to the nature of wood, began to +sink, so that they that were upon it must perforce give up their +purpose and make all haste to land, and so to this day can be seen the +fragments of the raft on the shore of the lake, with the arms of +Würtemberg and other matters carved upon the wood for a memorial of +this history. Others called many witnesses to prove that a certain +archduke of Austria had desired to drain the lake, but was by many +dissuaded and at the petition of the people of the land the plan given +up, for fear lest the whole country might be drowned and destroyed. +Furthermore, the said noble princes had caused barrels full of trout to +be put into the lake; all which in less than an hour died before their +eyes and floated away through the outlet of the lake, notwithstanding +that the stream that flows under the mountain on which the lake lies +and through the valley that takes its name therefrom produces by nature +such fish, and that the outlet of the lake is into the said stream. + + + + +_Chap. xi._: OF THE MARVELLOUS THANKSGIVING OF A PATIENT, AND OF THE +HOLY THOUGHTS THEREBY AWAKENED IN SIMPLICISSIMUS + + +These last did so affirm what they said that I now began almost +entirely to believe them, and they did so move my curiosity that I +determined to visit this wondrous lake. But of those that with me had +listened to the whole story one judged one way and another another, +from which sufficiently appeared their different and contradictory ways +of thinking. For my part I said the German name Mummelsee[40] +sufficiently declared that there was about the thing, as about a +masquerade, some disguise, so that none might fathom either its nature +or its depth, which had never yet been discovered, though such high +personages had attempted it. And with that I betook me to the same +place where a year before I had seen my departed wife for the first +time and drank in the sweet poison of love. And there I laid myself +down on the green grass in the shade, yet took no heed as I had done +before to what the nightingales did sing, but rather pondered on the +changes I had suffered since then. I represented to myself how in that +very place I had begun to be in place of a free man a slave of love, +and how since then I had become from an officer a peasant, from a rich +peasant a poor nobleman, from a Simplicissimus a Melchior, from a +widower a husband, from a husband a cuckold, and from a cuckold a +widower again; moreover, from a peasant's brat I had proved to be the +son of a good soldier, and yet again the son of my old dad. Then again +I reflected how fate had robbed me of my Herzbruder, and in his place +had provided me with two old married folk. I thought of the godly life +and decease of my father; the piteous death of my mother; and, further, +of the manifold changes which I had undergone in my lifetime, till I +could no longer refrain myself from tears. And even while I reflected +how much good money I in my lifetime had possessed and squandered away, +and began to lament therefore, there came two good soakers or +winebibbers on whom the gout had fastened in their limbs, whereby they +were crippled and needed both the baths and to drink the waters: these +set themselves down by me, for 'twas a fair place to rest, and each +bewailed to the other his sad case as thinking that they were alone. So +said the one, "My doctor hath sent me here either as one of whose +healing he despaired or else as one that with others might help him to +repay my host here for the keg of butter he sent him: I would I had +either never seen him in my life or else that he had at the first sent +me to the spa, for so should I either have more money than now or else +be sounder, for the waters suit my case right well." And "Ah" says the +other, "I thank my God that He hath given me no more money to spare +than what I have, for had my doctor known that I had more behind he had +never counselled me to come to the spa; but I must have shared all +between him and his apothecaries, that for this cause do oil his palms +year by year--yea, even though I should have died and perished in the +meanwhile. These greedy fellows send not men like us to so healthful a +place till they be well assured they can help us no more, or else find +us pigeons they can pluck no longer: and if the truth must be +confessed, he that once deals with them, and of whom they know that he +has money, must pay them only to this end, that they keep him sick." +And much more evil had these two to say of their doctors, but I care +not to tell it all: otherwise might the gentlemen of that profession +take it amiss and some time or other give me a dose that should purge +my soul out of my body. Nay, I do but mention it for this cause, +because this second patient, in giving thanks to God that He had given +him no more wealth, so comforted me that I banished clean out of my +mind all vexations and heavy thoughts that had assailed me on the score +of money: and I did resolve to strive no more for honour nor gold nor +for aught else that the world loveth. Yea, I determined to be a +philosopher and to devote myself to a godly life, and in especial to +lament mine own impenitence and to endeavour myself, like my dear +departed father, to ascend to the highest degree of piety. + + + + +_Chap. xii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS JOURNEYED WITH THE SYLPHS TO THE +CENTRE OF THE EARTH + + +Now this desire to visit the Mummelsee increased with me when I learned +from my foster-father that he had been there and knew the way thither; +but when he heard that I likewise would go, "And what will ye gain," +says he, "by going thither? My son with his old dad will see naught +else but the picture of a pond lying in the midst of a great wood, and +when he hath paid for his present taste with sore distaste, he will +have naught but repentance and weary feet (for a man can hardly come to +the place by riding) and the way back instead of the way thither. Nor +should ever any man have had me to go thither had I not been forced to +flee there when Doctor Daniel (by which he meant Duc d'Anguin[41]) +marched with his troops down through the country to Philippsburg." Yet +my curiosity would not be turned aside by his dissuasion, but I got me +a fellow that should guide me thither; so my father, seeing my fixed +intent, said, since the oat-crop was gathered in, and there was neither +hoeing nor reaping to be done on the farm, he would even go with me and +shew the way. For he loved me so that he would fain not let me out of +his sight, and since all the people of the country believed I was his +true-born son, he was proud of me; and so behaved to me and to all +others as a poor man might well do in respect of a son whom good +fortune, without his own help and assistance, had turned into a fine +gentleman. + +So together we set off over hill and dale and came to the Mummelsee; +and that before we had gone six hours, for my dad was as lively as a +cricket and as good a traveller as any young man. And there we consumed +what meat and drink we had brought with us, for the long journey and +the high mountain on which the lake lieth had made us both hungry and +thirsty. So having refreshed ourselves I did inspect the lake, and +found lying in it certain hewn timbers which my dad and I took to be +the remains of the Würtemberg raft: and I by geometry took or estimated +the length and breadth of the water (for 'twas far too wearisome to go +round the lake and measure it by paces or feet), and entered the +dimensions, by means of the scale of reduction, in my tablets. And +having done this, the sky being completely clear and the air windless +and calm, I must needs try what truth was in the legend that a storm +would arise if any should throw a stone into the lake; having already +found those stories I had heard, how the lake would suffer no trout to +live in it, to be true, by reason of the mineral taste of the waters. +So to make trial of this, I walked along the lake to the left, where +the water, which elsewhere is as clear as a crystal, doth begin, by +reason of the monstrous depth, to shew as black as coal, and therefore +is so dreadful of appearance that the mere look of it doth terrify. +And there I began to cast in stones as great as I could carry; my +foster-father or dad not only refusing to help me, but warning and +begging me to give over, as much as in him lay: but I went busily on +with my work, and such stones as by reason of their size and weight I +could not carry, I rolled down till I had cast more than thirty such +into the lake. Then began the sky to be covered with black clouds, in +which terrible thundering was heard, so that my dad, which stood on the +other side of the lake by the outlet, lamenting over my work, cried out +to me that I should escape, lest we be caught by the rain and the +dreadful storm, or even a worse mishap chance to us. But in despite of +all I answered him, "Father, I will stay and await the end even though +it rained pitchforks." "Yea, yea," answered he, "ye act like all madcap +boys, that care not if the world perish." + +But I, while I listened to his scolding, turned not mine eyes away from +the depths of the lake, expecting to see certain bladders or bubbles +rising up from the bottom, as is wont to happen when stones are thrown +into deep water whether still or running. Yet saw I naught of the kind, +but was ware of certain creatures floating far down in the depths, +which in form reminded me of frogs, and flitted about like sparks from +a mounting rocket which in the air doth work its full effect: and as +they came nearer and nearer to me they seemed to grow larger and more +like to the human form: at which at first great wonder took hold of me, +and at last, when I saw them hard by me, a great fear and trembling. +"Ah," said I then to myself in my terror and wonder, and yet so loud +that my dad, that stood beyond the lake, could hear me, though the +noise of the thunder was dreadful, "how great are the wondrous works of +the Creator! yea, even in the womb of the earth and the depths of the +waters!" And scarce had I said these words when one of these sylphs +appeared upon the waters and answered me, "Aha, and thou dost +acknowledge that before thou hast seen aught thereof: what wouldst say +if thou wert for once in the Centrum Terrae and beheldest our dwelling +which thy curiosity hath disturbed?" + +Meanwhile there rose up here and there more of such water-spirits, like +diving birds, all looking upon me and bringing up again the stones I +had cast in, which amazed me much. And the first and chiefest among +them, whose raiment shone like pure gold and silver, cast to me a +shining stone of the bigness of a pigeon's egg and green and +transparent as an emerald, with these words: "Take thou this trinket, +that thou mayst have somewhat to report of us and of our lake." But +scarce had I picked it up and pocketed it when it seemed to me the air +would choke or drown me, so that I could not stand upright but rolled +about like a ball of yarn, and at last fell into the lake. Yet no +sooner was I in the water than I recovered, and through the virtue of +the stone I had upon me could breathe in water instead of air: yea, +I could with small effort float in the lake as well as could the +water-spirits, yea, and with them descended into the depths; which +reminded me of nothing so much as of a flock of birds that so descend +in circles from the upper air to light upon the ground. + +But my dad having beheld this marvel in part (namely, so much of it as +was done above the water), made off from the lake and home again as if +his head were on fire. And there he told the whole history; but +especially how the water-spirits had brought back those stones that I +had cast into the lake, in the midst of the thunderstorm, and had laid +them where they came from, but in exchange had taken me down with them. +So some believed him but most accounted it a fable. Others conceived +that I had, like another Empedocles of Agrigentum (which cast himself +into Mount Aetna that all might think, since he was nowhere to be +found, that he was taken up to heaven), drowned myself in the lake, and +charged my father to spread such tales about me to gain for me an +immortal name: for, said they, it had long been marked by my +melancholic humour that I was half-desperate. + +Others would fain have believed, had they not known my strength of +body, that my adopted father had himself murdered me to be rid of me +(being a miserly old man) and so be master alone on my farm: so that at +this time naught else but the Mummelsee and me and my departure and my +foster-father could be talked of or discoursed on either at the spa or +in the countryside. + + + + +_Chaps. xiii.-xvi._ contain merely a farrago of nonsense conveyed in +conversations with the prince of the Mummelsee, who explains to +Simplicissimus the construction of the "earth's crust" and the nature +of sylphs, and in turn is treated by him to an account of earthly +affairs, on which he makes the usual commonplace satirical remarks (see +the Introduction). + + + + +_Chap. xvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS RETURNED FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE +EARTH, AND OF HIS STRANGE FANCIES, HIS AIRCASTLES, HIS CALCULATIONS; +AND HOW HE RECKONED WITHOUT HIS HOST + + +Meanwhile the time drew near that I should return home; therefore the +king bade me declare my wishes, whereby I understood he was minded to +do me a favour. So I said, no greater kindness could be shewn me than +to cause a real medicinal spring to rise on my farm. "And is that all?" +answered the king, "I had thought thou wouldst have taken with thee +some of these great emeralds from the American Sea and have asked to +bear them with thee back to earth. Now do I see that there is no greed +among you Christians." Therewith he handed to me a stone of strange and +glittering colours, and said, "Put this in thy pouch, and wheresoever +thou layest in on the ground, there will it begin to seek the Centre of +the Earth again, and to pass through the most fitting mineralia, till +it come back to us, and for our part we will send thee a noble mineral +spring, that shall work thee such good and profit as thou hast deserved +of us by thy declaration of the truth." So thereupon the prince of the +Mummelsee took me again under his charge, and passed with me through +the road and the lake by which we had come. And this way back seemed to +me far longer than the way thither, so that I reckoned it at three +thousand five hundred German-Swiss miles well measured; but doubtless +the cause that the time seemed so long to me was that I had no speech +of my escort, save that I learned from them they were from three to +five hundred years old and lived all this time without the least +disease. + +For the rest, I was in fancy so rich with my spring that all my wits +and all my thoughts were busied with this, to wit, where I should plant +it and how turn it to profit. And first I had my plans for the fine +buildings that I must set up that the bathing-guests might be properly +accommodated, and I for my part might gain great hire for lodgings. +Then I devised already by what bribes I could persuade the doctors to +prefer my new miraculous spa to all the others, yea, even to that of +Schwalbach, and so procure for me a crowd of rich patients: in my +fantasy I even levelled whole mountains lest they that came and went +should find the way wearisome to travel: already I hired sharp-witted +drawers, sparing cooks, careful chambermaids, watchful grooms, spruce +intendants of the baths and springs, and already I thought of a place +where in the midst of the wild mountains by my farm I might plant a +fine level pleasure-garden, and there rear all manner of rare plants, +that the bathing-guests and their wives that came from foreign parts +might walk therein, where the sick might be cheered and the sound might +be amused and exercised with all manner of sports and pastimes. Then +must the doctors, for a reward, write me a noble treatise on my spring +and set down on paper its healing qualities; and this I would have +printed with a fine plate wherein my farm should be depicted and a +ground plan thereof given; by reading which any absent patient might at +once believe and hope himself in health again. Then would I have all my +children fetched from Lippstadt, to have them taught all that was +needful to know of my new watering-place; for 'twas my intent to +scarify my guests' purses well though not their backs. With such rich +fancies and overweening castles in the air I came again into the upper +world, for this oft-mentioned prince brought me again to land from his +Mummelsee with dry clothes; and there I must forthwith cast from me the +talisman that he had at first given me when he fetched me away; else +had I either been choked in the air or must have plunged my head under +the water again, such was the effect of the said stone. Which being +done, and he having taken it to him again, we commended each other to +the protection of the most High, as men that should never meet again; +so he with his people dived under and sank into his depths; but I with +my stone which the king had given me went thence as full of joy as if I +had fetched the golden fleece home from Colchis. + +But alas! my joy, of which I vainly hoped for the everlasting +continuance, endured not long, for hardly was I gone from that lake of +wonders when I began to go astray in that monstrous wood, for I had +not marked from what direction my dad had brought me to the lake. Yet I +went some way on before I was aware of my mistake, ever making +calculations how I could plant that noble spring on my farm, and build +round it, and earn for myself a peaceful revenue as proprietor thereof. +In this way I unawares strayed further and further from the place +whither I desired to come and, worst of all, I found it not out till +the sun was sinking and I was helpless. For there I stood in the midst +of a wilderness like Simple Simon, without food or arms, of which I +might well have need during the night that was coming on. Yet I found +comfort in my stone that I had brought with me from the very bowels of +the earth. "Patience, patience!" said I to myself: "this will again +repay thee for all sufferings undergone. All good things take time, and +fine rewards be not won without great toil and labour: else would every +fool need but to wipe his beard to get possession at will of even such +a noble spring as thou hast in thy poke." + +And having spoken thus I got with my new resolve new strength, so that +I went forward with a bolder gait than heretofore, although night now +overtook me. The full moon indeed shone on me brightly, but the tall +fir-trees kept the light from me more than the deep sea had done that +very day; yet I made my way on, till about midnight I was ware of a +fire afar off, to which I straightway walked, and saw from a distance +that there were certain woodmen about it, resin-gatherers; and though +such folk be not at all times to be trusted yet my necessity compelled +me and my own courage urged me on to speak to them. So I came quietly +behind them and said, "Good night or good day or good morrow or good +even, gentlemen: for tell me what hour it is that I may know how to +greet ye." With that the whole six stood or sat there all a-tremble +with fear and knew not what to answer me. For I, being of great stature +and just at that time, by reason of mourning for my late wife, being in +black raiment; and in especial having a terrible cudgel in mine hand, +on which I leaned like a wild man of the woods, my figure seemed to +them dreadful. "How," says I, "will none answer me?" Yet they stayed +yet a good while in amazement, till at last one came to himself well +enough to ask, "Who be the gentleman?" By that I heard they must be of +the Swabian nation; which men esteem as simple-minded yet with little +cause: so I said I was a travelling scholar, but newly come from the +Venusberg, where I had learned a heap of wondrous arts. "Oho," quoth +the eldest woodman, "Praise God; for now do I believe that I shall live +to see peace again, because the wandering scholars are on their travels +anew!" + + + + +_Chap. xviii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WASTED HIS SPRING IN THE WRONG PLACE + + +In this wise we came to converse with one another, and I found so much +courtesy among them that they invited me to sit down and offered me a +piece of black bread and thin cow's milk cheese, both of which I did +thankfully accept. At last they became so familiar with me that they +hinted I should, as a travelling scholar, tell their fortunes: and I, +knowing somewhat of physiognomies and palmistry, began to tell to one +after the other such stuff as I deemed would content them, that I might +not lose credit with them; for in spite of all I was not at my ease +among these wild woodmen. Then would they learn curious arts from me: +but I fobbed them off with promises for the next day, and desired they +would suffer me to rest a little. And having so played the gipsy for +them. I laid myself down a little apart, more to listen and to perceive +how they were minded than as having any great desire to sleep (though +my appetite thereto was not lacking); and the more I snored the more +wakeful they appeared. So they put their heads together and began to +dispute one against another who I might be: they held that I could be +no soldier because I wore black clothing, nor no townsman-blade, that +could so suddenly appear far from all men's dwellings in the Muckenloch +(for so was the wood called) at so unwonted a time. At the last they +resolved I must be a journeyman Latinist[42] that had lost his way, or, +as I myself had declared, a travelling scholar, because I could so +excellently tell fortunes. "Yea," says another, "yet he knew not all +for that reason: 'tis some wandering soldier, maybe, that hath so +disguised himself to spy out our cattle and the secret ways of the +wood. Aha! if we knew that we would so put him to sleep that he should +forget ever to wake again." But another quickly took him up, that held +the contrary and would have me to be somewhat else. Meanwhile I lay +there and pricked up my ears and thought, "If these clodhoppers set +upon me, two or three of them will need to bite the dust before they +make an end of me." But while they took counsel and I tormented myself +with fears, of a sudden I found myself lying in a pool of water. O +horrors! now was Troy lost and all my splendid plans gone to naught, +for by the smell I perceived 'twas mine own mineral spring. With that, +for very rage and despite, I fell into such a frenzy that I wellnigh +had fallen on those six peasants and fought them all. "Ye godless +rogues," says I to them, and therewith sprang up with my terrible +cudgel, "by this spring that welleth forth where I have lain ye well +may see who I am; it were small wonder if I should so trounce ye all +that the devil should fetch ye, because ye have dared to cherish such +evil thoughts in your hearts," and thereto I added looks so threatening +and terrible that all were afraid of me. Yet presently I came to myself +and perceived what folly I committed. "Nay," thought I, "'tis better to +lose the spring than one's life, and that thou canst easily forfeit if +thou attack these clowns." So I gave them fair words again, and before +they could recollect themselves: "Arise," said I, "and taste of this +noble spring which ye and all other woodmen and resin-gatherers will +henceforth be able to enjoy in this wilderness through my help." + +Now this my discourse they understood not, but looked one upon another +like live stockfish till they saw me very soberly take the first +draught out of my hat. Then one by one they arose from beside their +fire, and looked upon this miracle and tasted the water; but instead of +being grateful to me as they should have been, they began to curse and +said they would I had chanced on some other spot with my spring: for if +their lord came to know of it, then must the whole district of +Dornstett do forced-work to make a road thither, which would bring +great hardship upon them. "But," says I, "on the contrary, ye will all +have your profit therefrom: for ye can turn your fowls, your eggs, your +butter, and your cattle and the rest more easily into money." "Nay, +nay," said they, "the lord will put in an innkeeper that will take all +the profit alone: and we must be his poor fools to keep road and path +in trim for him, and earn no thanks thereby." + +But at last they disagreed: for two were for keeping the spring and +four demanded of me that I should take it away; which, had it been in +my power, I had willingly done whether it pleased them or teased them. +So as day began to break, and I had no more to do there, but must +rather take heed lest we came together by the ears, I said that unless +they were minded that all the cows in that valley should give red milk +as long as the spring flowed they must presently shew me the way to +Seebach; with which they were content, and to that end sent two of them +with me; for one had feared to go with me alone. + +So I departed thence, and though the whole land there was barren and +bore nothing but pine-cones, yet would I with a curse have made it yet +poorer, for there I had lost all my hopes; yet went I silently enough +with my guides till I came to the top of the hill, where I could a +little trace my way by the lie of the country. And there I said to +them, "Now, my masters, ye can turn your new spring to fine profit if +ye go forthwith and tell your lords of its coming up; for that will +bring ye a rich reward, seeing that the prince will surely build about +it for the glory and gain of the country, and for the promotion of his +own interest will have it made known to all the world." "Yea," said +they, "fools should we be in truth so to bind rods for our own backs; +we had rather the devil would take thee and thy spring too: thou hast +heard enough to know why we desire it not." "Ah, miscreants!" quoth I, +"should I not call ye disloyal rogues that depart so far from the ways +of your pious forefathers, which were so true to their prince that he +could boast that he might venture to lay his head upon the knees of any +of his subjects and there sleep in safety. But ye blackcaps, to 'scape +a trifling task for which ye would in time be recompensed and of which +all your posterity would reap a rich reward, ye be so dishonest as to +refuse to make known this healing spring, which were both to the profit +of your worshipful prince and also to the welfare and health of many a +sick man. What would it cost ye though each should do a few days' +forced work to that end?" "How," said they, "we would rather kill thee +that thy spring might remain unknown." "Ye night-birds," says I, "there +must be more of ye for that," and therewith heaved up my cudgel and +chased them to all the devils, and thereafter went my way down hill +westwards and southwards, and so came after much toil and tumble about +sunset to my farm, and found it true indeed what my dad had prophesied +to me, namely, that I should get naught from this pilgrimage save weary +legs and the way back for the way thither. + + + + +_Chap. xix._ is an uninteresting excursus on certain communities of +Anabaptists in Hungary. + + + + +_Chap. xx._: TREATS OF A TRIFLING PROMENADE FROM THE BLACK FOREST TO +MOSCOW IN RUSSIA + + +The same autumn there drew near to us French, Swedish, and Hessian +troops to refresh themselves among us and to keep the Free City in the +neighbourhood (which was built by an English king,[43] and called after +his name) blockaded, for which cause every man gathered together his +cattle and the best of his goods and fled into the woods among the +mountains. I too did as my neighbours did and left my house pretty well +empty, wherein a Swedish colonel on half-pay was lodged. The same found +still remaining in my cabinet certain books, for in my haste I could +not bring all away; and among others certain mathematical and +geometrical essays, and also some on fortification, wherewith our +engineers be principally busied, and therefore at once concluded that +his quarters could belong to no common peasant, and so began to inquire +of my character and to court my acquaintance, till by courteous offers +and threats intermingled he wrought me to it that I should visit him at +mine own farm, where he treated me very civilly and restrained his +people, that they should do my goods no unnecessary damage or hurt. And +by such friendly treatment he brought it about that I told him of all +my business, and in especial of my family and descent. Thereat he +wondered that I in the midst of war could so dwell among peasants, and +look on while another tied his horse to my manger, whereas I with more +honour could tie mine own horse to another's: I should, said he, gird +on the sword again and not allow my gift which God had bestowed on me +to perish by the fireside, and behind the plough; for he knew, if I +would enter the Swedish service, my capacity and my knowledge of war +would soon raise me to high rank. This I treated but coldly, and told +him advancement was ever far off if a man had no friends to take him by +the hand; whereto he replied that my good qualities would soon procure +me both friends and advancement; nay, more: he doubted not that I +should find kinsmen at the Swedish headquarters, and those of some +account, for there there were many Scottish noblemen and men of rank. +Further, said he, a regiment had been promised to him himself by +Torstensohn; which promise if it were kept (of which he doubted not) +then would he at once make me his lieutenant-colonel. With such and the +like words he made my mouth to water, and inasmuch as there were now +but scanty hopes of peace, and for me to suffer further billeting of +troops did but mean utter ruin, therefore I resolved to serve again, +and promised the colonel to go with him if only he would keep his word +and give me the post of lieutenant-colonel in the regiment he was to +have. + +And so the die was cast; and I sent for my dad or foster-father, which +was still with my cattle at Bairischbrunn;[44] and to him and his wife +I devised my farm as their own property; yet on condition that after +his death my bastard Simplicissimus that had been laid at my door +should inherit it with all appurtenances, since there were no heirs +born in wedlock. Thereafter I fetched my horse and all the gold and +trinkets I still had, and having settled all my affairs and taken order +for the education of my said by-blow of a son, on a sudden the blockade +I spoke of was raised, so that before we looked for it we must decamp +and join the main army. + +Under the colonel I served as a steward, and maintained him with his +servants and horses and all his household by theft and robbery, which +is called in soldiers' language foraging. But as to the promises of +Torstensohn, of which he had talked so big at my farm, they were not so +great by a good deal as he had given out, but as it seemed to me he was +rather looked at askance. "Aha," says he to me, "some malicious dog +hath slandered me at headquarters. Yet I shall not need to wait long": +but when he suspected that I should not endure to tarry longer with him +he forged letters as if he had to raise a fresh regiment in Livonia +where his home was, and persuaded me to embark with him at Wismar and +to sail thither. And there too we found naught, for not only had he no +regiment to raise, but was besides a nobleman as poor as a church +mouse: and what he had came from his wife. Yet though I had now been +twice deceived and had suffered myself to be enticed so far afield, yet +I took the bait the third time; for he shewed me writings he had +received from Moscow, in which, as he professed, high commands in the +army were offered him, for so he interpreted the said letters to me and +boasted loudly of good and punctual pay: and seeing that he started off +with wife and child, I thought, surely he is on no wild-goose chase. + +And so with high hopes I took the road with him, for otherwise I saw no +means or opportunity to get back to Germany. But as soon as we came +over the Russian frontier, and sundry discharged German soldiers met +us, I began to be alarmed and said to my colonel, "What the devil do we +here? We leave the country where war is, and where there is peace and +soldiers be of no account and disbanded, thither we come." Yet still he +gave me fair words and said I should leave it to him; he knew better +what he was about than these fellows that were of no account. + +But when we came in safety to the city of Moscow, I saw at once the +game was up. 'Tis true my colonel conferred daily with great men, but +far more with bishops than boyars, which seemed to me not so much grand +as far too monkish, and aroused in me all manner of fancies and +reflections, though I could not conceive what he aimed at: but in the +end he revealed to me that war was over and that his conscience urged +him on to embrace the Greek religion; and that his sincere advice to me +was, inasmuch as otherwise he could help me no more as he had promised, +to follow his example: for his Majesty the Czar had already good +accounts of my person and my great capabilities: and would be +graciously pleased, if I would agree to the conditions, to endow me as +a knight with a fine estate and many serfs; which most gracious offer +was not to be rejected, since for any man it was better to have in so +great a monarch rather a gracious lord than an offended prince. At this +I was much confounded, and knew not what to answer, for had I had the +colonel in another place I would have answered him rather by deeds than +words: but now I must play my cards otherwise, and consider the place +where I was, and where I was like to a prisoner; and therefore was +silent a long time before I could resolve upon an answer. At length I +said to him I had indeed come with the purpose to serve the Czar's +Majesty as a soldier, to which he, the colonel, had persuaded me; and +if my services in war were not needed I could not help it; far less +could I lay it to the charge of the Czar that I had for his sake +undertaken so long a journey in vain, for he had not written to me to +come. But that his Majesty condescended so graciously to dispense his +royal favour to me would be a thing for me rather to boast of before +all the world than most humbly to accept it and to earn it, since I +could not just now determine to alter my religion, and only wished I +were dwelling again in my farm in the Black Forest and so causing no +man concern or inconveniency. To which he replied, "Your honour may do +as he pleases: only I had conceived that if God and good luck favoured +him, he would do well to be thankful to both; but if he will accept no +help and refuses to live like a prince, at least I hope he will believe +that I have spared no pains to help him to the best of my ability." +Thereupon he made me a deep reverence, went his way, and left me in the +lurch, not allowing me even to give him my company to the door. + +So as I sat there all perplexed and reviewed my present condition I +heard two Russian carriages before our lodging, and looking out of the +window saw my good master colonel with his sons enter the one and his +wife with her daughters the other. Which were the Czar's carriages and +his livery, and divers priests there also which waited upon this +honourable family and shewed them all kindness and good will. + + + + +_Chap. xxi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FURTHER FARED IN MOSCOW + + +From this time I was watched, not openly indeed, but secretly, by +certain soldiers of the Strelitz guard, and that without my knowledge; +and my colonel and his family never once came in my sight, so that I +knew not what was become of him: and all this, as may easily be +thought, brought in my head strange conceits and many grey hairs also. +There I made the acquaintance of the Germans that dwell in Moscow, some +as traders, some as mechanics, and to them lamented my plight and how I +had been deceived by guile; who gave me comfort and direction how I, +with a fair opportunity, might return to Germany. But so soon as they +got wind of it that the Czar had determined to keep me in the land and +would force me to it, they all became dumb towards me, yea, avoided my +company, and 'twas hard for me even to find a shelter for my head. For +I had already devoured my horse, saddle and trappings and all, and was +now doling out one to-day and to-morrow another of the ducats which I +had wisely sewn into my clothes. At last I began to turn into money my +rings and trinkets, in the hope to keep myself so until I could find a +fair occasion to get back to Germany. Meanwhile a quarter of a year was +gone, after which the said colonel, with all his household, was +baptized again and provided with a fine nobleman's estate and many +serfs. + +At that time there went out a decree that both among natives and +foreigners no idlers should be allowed (and that with heavy penalties) +as those that took the bread out of the mouth of the workers, and all +strangers that would not work must quit the country in a month and the +town in four-and-twenty hours. With that some fifty of us joined +together with intent to make our way, with God's help, through Podolia +to Germany; yet were we not two hours gone from the town when we were +caught up by certain Russian troopers, on the pretence that his Majesty +was greatly displeased that we had impudently dared to band together in +such great numbers, and to traverse his land at pleasure without +passports, saying further that his Majesty would not be going beyond +his rights in sending us all to Siberia for our insolent conduct. On +the way back I learned how my business stood: for the commander of the +troop told me plainly, the Czar would not let me forth of the country: +and his sincere advice was that I should obey his Majesty's most +gracious will and join their religion, and (as the colonel had done) +not despise a fine estate; assuring me also that if I refused this and +would not live among them as a lord I must needs stay as a servant +against my will: nor must his Majesty be blamed that he would not allow +to depart from his country a man so skilful as the before-mentioned +colonel had reported me to be. Then did I disparage mine own worth, and +said the honourable colonel must surely have ascribed to me more arts, +virtues, and knowledge than I possessed: 'twas true indeed I had come +into the land to serve his Majesty the Czar and the worshipful Russian +people, even at the risk of my life, against their enemies: but to +change my religion, to that I could not resolve me: yet so far as I +could in any wise serve his Majesty without burdening my conscience, I +would not fail to do my utmost endeavour. + +Then was I set apart from the rest and lodged with a merchant, where I +was openly watched, yet daily provisioned from the court with rich food +and costly liquors, and also daily had visitors that talked with me and +now and again would invite me as a guest. In especial there was one to +whose charge I had without doubt been chiefly commended, a crafty man, +that entertained me daily with friendly talk; for now could I speak +Russian pretty well. So he discoursed with me oftentimes of all manner +of mechanic arts, as well as of engines of war and others, and of +fortification and artillery practice. At last, after much beating about +the bush to find out whether I would give in to his master's wishes, +when he found there was no hope of my changing even in the least point, +he begged that I would for the honour of the great Czar impart and +communicate to their nation somewhat of my science: for his Majesty +would requite my complaisance with high and royal favours. To which I +answered, my desires had ever been to that end, most dutifully to serve +the Czar, seeing that for this purpose I had come into his country, +albeit I perceived that I was kept like a prisoner. But he replied, +"Nay, nay, sir, ye be no prisoner, but his Majesty doth hold ye so dear +that he cannot resolve to part with your person." So says I, "Wherefore +then am I guarded?" "Because," he answered, "his Majesty feareth lest +any harm should happen to ye." + +So now understanding my proposals, he said the Czar was graciously +pleased to consider of digging for saltpetre in his own country and +making of powder there; but because there was no one in the land that +could deal with the matter, I should do him an acceptable service if I +would undertake the work: to that end I should be provided with men and +means enough ready to hand, and he in his own person would most +sincerely beg of me not to reject such a gracious proposal, seeing that +they were already well assured that I had a full knowledge of such +matters. To which I answered, "Sir, I say as I said before: if I can +serve his Majesty in anything, provided only he will be graciously +content to leave me undisturbed in my religion, I will not fail to do +my best." Whereat the Russian, which was one of their chief magnates, +was heartily glad and pledged me in drink deeper than ever a German. + +Next day there came from the Czar two great nobles with an interpreter +to make a final agreement with me, and presented me on behalf of the +Czar with a costly Russian robe: and a few days after I began to seek +for saltpetre and to instruct the Russians that had been assigned to me +how to separate it from the earth and refine it; and at the same time I +drew up a plan of a powder-mill, and taught others to burn charcoal, so +that in brief space we had ready a goodly amount both of musquet and +ordnance powder; for I had people enough, besides mine own servants +that were to wait on me, or, to speak more truly, to keep watch and +ward over me. + +I being thus well started, there comes to me the before-mentioned +colonel in Russian clothes and nobly escorted by many servants; without +doubt by such a show of glory to persuade me to go over to that +religion. But I knew well that the clothes came from the Czar his +wardrobe, and were but lent him to make my mouth water: for 'tis the +commonest of customs at the Russian court: and that the reader may +understand how 'tis managed, I will give him an instance of mine own +self. For once was I busied with taking order at the powder-mills +(which I caused to be built on the river outside Moscow) as to what +task one and the other of the people assigned to me should perform that +day and the next, when of a sudden there was an alarm that the Tartars, +100,000 horse strong, were but four miles away plundering the country +and advancing continually: so must I and my people needs betake +ourselves to the palace, to be equipped out of the Czar's armoury and +stables. And I for my part, in place of a cuirass, was clad in a +quilted silk breastplate that would stop any arrow, but could not keep +out any bullet: moreover boots and spurs and a princely head-dress with +a heron plume, and a sabre that would split a hair, mounted with pure +gold and studded with precious stones, were given to me, and of the +Czar's horses such an one was put between my legs as I had never seen +the like of in my life, far less ridden; so I and my horses blazed with +gold, silver, pearls and precious stones. I had a steel mace hanging by +me that shone like a mirror, and was so well made and heavy that I had +easily beaten to death any that I dealt a blow with it, so that the +Czar himself could not ride into battle better equipped: and there +followed me a white standard with a double eagle to which the people +flocked from all sides and corners, so that before two hours were over +we were forty thousand strong and after four hours nigh sixty thousand, +with whom we marched against the Tartars; and every quarter of an hour +I had my orders from the Czar; which yet were but this, that I should +this day approve myself a soldier, having given myself out for one, +that his Majesty might as such esteem and recognise me. So every moment +our troop was increased with great and small soldiers and officers; yet +in all this haste could I discover none that should command the whole +body, or array the battle. It needs not that I should tell all, for my +story is not much concerned with this encounter. I will but say this +only, that we came suddenly upon the Tartars in a valley or deep dip in +the land, encumbered with tired horses and much booty, and least of all +expecting us; whom we attacked on all sides with such fury that at the +very onset we scattered them. There at the first attack I called to my +followers in the Russian speech, "Come now, let each do as I do!" and +that they all shouted to one another, while I with a loose rein charged +at the enemy, and of the first I met, which was a Mirza or prince's +son, I cleft the head in twain, so that his brains were left hanging on +my steel mace. This heroical example did the Russians follow, so that +the Tartars might not withstand their attack, but turned to a general +flight, while I dealt like a madman, or rather like one that from +desperation seeketh death and cannot find it, for I smote down all that +came before me, Tartar and Russian alike; and they that were commanded +by the Czar to watch me followed me so hard that I had ever my back +guarded. There was the air so full of arrows as it had been swarms of +bees, of which my share was one in the arm; for I had turned back my +sleeve that so with less hindrance I might use my sword and came to +cleave and batter; and until I received the wound my heart did laugh +within me at such bloodshed; but when I saw mine own blood flow, that +laughter was turned into a mad fury. + +So when these savage foes had been put to flight, it was commanded me +by divers nobles in the name of the Czar that I should carry to their +emperor the news how the Tartars had been defeated: and at their +bidding I rode back with some hundred horsemen at my heels, with whom I +rode through the town to the Czar's palace, and was by all men received +with triumph and gratulation; but so soon as I had made my report of +the battle (albeit the Czar had already news of all that happened) I +must again doff my princely apparel, which was again stored away in the +Czar his wardrobe, though both it and the horse trappings were +bespattered and befouled all over with blood and so almost entirely +ruinated; whereas I had thought, since I had borne myself so knightly +in the encounter, the clothes should at least have been left me, +together with the horse, for a reward. But from this I could well judge +how 'twas managed with the Russian robe of state of which my colonel +made use; for 'tis all but lent finery which, like all else in Russia, +pertaineth to the Czar alone. + + + + +_Chap. xxii._: BY WHAT A SHORT AND MERRY ROAD HE CAME HOME TO HIS DAD + + +Now as long as my wound was a-healing 'tis true I was treated like a +prince; for I walked abroad at all times clad in a furred gown of cloth +of gold lined with sables, though the wound was neither mortal nor +dangerous, and in all the days of my life I have never tasted such rich +foods as then; but this was all the reward I had for my labours, save +the praise which the Czar favoured me with, and this too was spoiled +for me by the envy of certain nobles. So now, being completely sound +again, was I sent down the Volga in a ship to Astrachan, to set up a +powder-mill there as in Moscow, for 'twas not possible for the Czar to +furnish these frontier fortresses from Moscow with fresh and good +powder, which must needs be carried by water and that with great risk. +And this service I willingly undertook, for I had promises that the +Czar, after the accomplishment of such business, would send me back to +Holland, and that with a good reward in money proportionable to my +services. But alas! when we think we stand safest and most certain in +the hopes and conceits we have formed, there comes a wind unawares, and +in a wink blows away all the flimsy stuff whereon we had founded our +hopes so long. + +Yet the Governor of Astrachan treated me like the Czar himself, and in +brief space I had all on a good footing; his old ammunition which was +quite spoiled and ruined and could do no harm to any, I refounded (as a +tinker makes new tin spoons out of old ones), which was then a thing +unheard of among the Russians; by reason of which and other arts of +mine some held me to be a sorcerer, others a new saint or prophet, and +others, again, for a second Empedocles or Gorgias Leontinus. But being +hard at work and busied at night in a powder-mill outside the +fortifications, I was in thievish wise captured and carried off by a +horde of Tartars, which took me with others so far into their country +that I not only could see the herb Borametz or sheep-plant growing but +did even eat thereof: which is a most strange vegetable; for it is like +a sheep to look upon, its wool can be spun and woven like natural +sheep's wool, and its flesh is so like to mutton that even the wolves +do love to eat thereof. But they that had captivated me did barter me +away for certain wares of China to the Tartars of Nuichi, which again +presented me as a rare gift to the King of Corea, with whom they had +but then made a truce. And there was I highly valued, for there could +none be found like me in the handling of sword and rapier; and there I +taught the king how, with his piece over his shoulder and his back +turned to the target, he could yet hit the bull's-eye; in reward for +which at my humble petition he gave me my liberty again, and let me go +by way of Japonia to the Portuguese of Macao, which made but small +count of me. So I went about among them like a sheep that has strayed +from the flock, till at last in marvellous fashion. I was captured by +Turkish corsairs, and by them, after they had dragged me about with +them for a full year among strange foreign nations that do inhabit the +isles of the East Indies, sold to certain merchants of Alexandria in +Egypt. These carried me with their wares to Constantinople, and because +the Turkish emperor was just then fitting out galleys against the +Venetians and needed rowers, therefore must many Turkish merchants part +with their Christian slaves (yet for ready payment), among whom I was +one, as being a strong young fellow. And now must I learn to row; which +heavy task nevertheless endured not more than two months: for our +galley was in the Levant right valiantly overcome by the Venetians, and +I with all my companions freed from the power of the Turks: and the +said galley being brought to Venice with rich booty and divers Turkish +prisoners of high degree, I was set at liberty, as wishing to go to +Rome and on pilgrimage to Loretto, to view those places and to thank +God for my deliverance. To which end I easily obtained a passport, and +moreover from several honourable persons, especially Germans, +reasonable help in money, so that now I could provide me with a +pilgrim's staff and enter on my journey. + +So I betook me by the nearest way to Rome, where I fared right well, +for both from great and small I got me much alms; and tarrying there +nigh six weeks, I took my way with other pilgrims, of whom some +Germans, and especially certain Switzers, to Loretto: from whence I +came over the Saint Gotthard Pass back through Switzerland to my dad, +which had kept my farm for me; and nothing remarkable did I bring home +save a beard which I had grown in foreign parts. + +Now had I been absent three years and some months, during which time I +had fared over the most distant seas and seen all manner of peoples, +but had commonly received from them more evil than good; of which a +whole book might be writ. And in the meanwhile the Westphalian treaty +had been concluded, so that I could now live with my dad in peace and +quiet: and him I left to manage and to keep house, but for myself I sat +down to my books, which were now both my work and my delight. + + + + +_Chap. xxiii._: IS VERY SHORT AND CONCERNETH SIMPLICISSIMUS ALONE + + +Once did I read how the oracle of Apollo gave as answer to the Roman +deputies, when they asked what they must do to rule their subjects in +peace, this only, "Nosce teipsum," which signifieth, "Let each man know +himself." This caused me to reflect upon the past and demand of myself +an account of the life I had led, for I had naught else to do. So said +I to myself: "Thy life hath been no life but a death, thy days a +toilsome shadow, thy years a troublous dream, thy pleasures grievous +sins, thy youth a fantasy, and thy happiness an alchemist's treasure +that is gone by the chimney and vanished ere thou canst perceive it. +Through many dangers thou hast followed the wars, and in the same +encountered much good and ill luck: hast been now high, now low: now +great, now small: now rich, now poor: now merry, now sorry: now loved, +now hated: now honoured, now despised: but now, poor soul, what hast +thou gained from thy long pilgrimage? This hast thou gained: I am poor +in goods, my heart is burdened with cares, for all good purposes I am +idle, lazy, and spoilt; and, worst of all, my conscience is heavy and +vexed: but thou, my soul, art overwhelmed with sin and grievously +defiled; the body is weary, the understanding bemused; thine innocence +is gone, the best years of youth are past, the precious time lost: +naught is there that gives me pleasure, and withal I am an enemy to +myself. But when I came, after my sainted father's death, into the +great world, then was I simple-minded and pure, upright and honest, +truthful, humble, modest, temperate, chaste, shame-faced, pious and +religious, but soon became malicious, false, treacherous, proud, +restless, and above all altogether godless, all which vices I did learn +without a teacher. Mine honour have I guarded not for its own sake, but +for mine own exaltation. I took note of time not to employ it well for +mine own soul's welfare, but for the profit of my body. My life have I +often put in jeopardy, and yet I have never busied myself to better it +that I might die blest and comforted; for I looked only to the present +and to my temporal profit, and never once thought on the future, much +less remembered that I must some time give an account before the face +of God Almighty." + +With such thoughts I tormented myself daily; and just then there came +into my hands certain writings of the Franciscan friar Quevara, of +which I must here set down some; for they were of such power as fully +to disgust me with the world. + + + + +_Chap. xxiv._: WHY AND IN WHAT FASHION SIMPLICISSIMUS LEFT THE WORLD +AGAIN + +The first part of the chapter is a fair translation, extending to many +pages, of Quevara's somewhat trite reflections on the vanity of a +worldly life. It is taken from Albertini's translation of a book called +"Of the burden and annoyance of a courtier's life." 8vo. Amberg, 1599. +The only part of the chapter which concerns the story is as follows. + +All these words I pondered carefully and with continual thought, and +they so pierced my heart that I left the world again and became a +hermit. Fain would I have dwelt by my spring in the Muckenloch, but the +peasants that dwelt near would not suffer it, though it had been for me +a wilderness to my taste; for they feared I should reveal the spring +and so move their lord to force them to make highways and byways +thither, especially now that peace was secured. So I betook myself to +another wilderness and began again my old life in the Spessart; but +whether I shall, like my father of blessed memory, persevere therein to +the end, I know not. God grant us all His grace that we may all alike +obtain from Him what doth concern us most, namely, a happy + + END + + + + + APPENDICES + + + + +APPENDIX A + + +The success of "Simplicissimus" induced Grimmelshausen to publish a +"Continuatio" or sequel, which certainly does not seem to have been +contemplated when he wrote the last chapter of the original work. It, +as well as three lesser "continuations" which were published later, is +entirely unworthy of the author, though all four seem to be genuine +products of his pen. It is a string of allegories, ghost stories, +fables, and monotonous chronicles of adventure, not redeemed from +dulness by occasional gross filth. For one reason only it deserves our +attention; viz., the curious anticipation of the story of Robinson +Crusoe which is contained in chapters xix. to xxii. A subjoined +"relation" of Jean Cornelissen of Harlem gives an account of his +finding Simplicissimus and leaving him on his island well provided with +necessaries: but this narrative is so overloaded with childish stories +of the castaway's miraculous powers and performances that an abstract +of it only is here given at the end. + +From the middle of chapter xix. to the end of chapter xxiii. is fully +translated. + + + +CONTINUATION + + +_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS AND A CARPENTER ESCAPED FROM A +SHIPWRECK WITH THEIR LIVES AND WERE THEREAFTER PROVIDED WITH A LAND OF +THEIR OWN + + +So taking ship and coming from the Sinus Arabicus or Red Sea into the +ocean, and having a fair wind, we held our course to pass by the Cape +of Good Hope, and sailed for some weeks so happily that way that we +could have desired no other weather: but when we deemed that we were +now over against the isle of Madagascar there suddenly arose such a +hurricane that we had scarce time to take in sail. And the storm +increasing, we must needs cut down the mast and leave the ship to the +mercy of the waves, which carried us up, as it were, to the clouds, and +in a trice plunged us down again to the depths; all which lasted a full +half-hour and taught us all to pray most piously. At length were we +cast upon a sunken reef with such force that the ship with a terrible +crack broke all in pieces, at which there arose a lamentable and +piteous outcry. Then was the sea in a moment strown with chests, bales, +and fragments of the ship, and then one could hear and see the unlucky +folk, here and there, some on and some under the waves, clinging to +anything that in such need came first within their grasp, and with +dismal cries lamenting their ruin and commending of their souls to God. +But I, with the ship's carpenter, lay upon a great timber of the vessel +which had certain cross-pieces yet fast to it, to which we clung and +spake to one another. And little by little the dreadful wind abated; +the raging waves of the angry sea grew calmer and less; yet on the +other hand there followed pitch-dark night with terrible rain, till it +seemed as if we should be drowned from above in the midst of the sea. +And this endured till midnight, by which time we had been in sore +straits; but then was the sky clear again, so that we could see the +stars, by which we perceived that the wind drove us more and more from +the coast of Africa towards the open sea and the unknown land of +Australia, which troubled us both greatly. Now towards daybreak it grew +dark again, so that we could not see each other though we lay close at +hand: and in this darkness and piteous plight we drove ever onward, +till of a sudden we were aware that we were aground and stuck fast. So +the carpenter, which had an axe hanging to his girdle, tried with it +the depth of the water and found it on the one side of us not a foot +deep, which heartily rejoiced us and gave us sure hope that God had in +some way helped us to land, as we perceived by a sweet odour that we +smelt as soon as we came to ourselves a little. Yet because 'twas dark +and we both wearied out, and in especial looked presently for daylight, +we had not courage enough to commit ourselves to the sea and make for +land, notwithstanding we already thought to hear at a distance the song +of divers birds, which indeed was so. But as soon as the blessed +daylight shewed itself in the east, we saw through the dusk a small +island overgrown with bushes lying close before us; whereupon we betook +ourselves to the water on that side, which grew shallower and shallower +till at length, with great joy, we came to dry land. So there we fell +on our knees and kissed the ground, and thanked God above for His +fatherly care in bringing of us to land; and in such fashion did I come +to my island. As yet could we not know whether we were in an inhabited +or an uninhabited land and whether on the mainland or an island: but +this we marked at once, that it must be a right fertile soil; for all +was overgrown thick with shrubs and trees like a hemp-field, so that we +could hardly come through it. But when it was now broad day, and we had +made our way through the shrubs some quarter of an hour's march from +the shore, we could not only find no trace of human dwelling, but +moreover lighted here and there upon many strange birds that had no +fear of us, but suffered us to take them with our hands, from all which +we might judge we were on an uninhabited island, yet most fruitful. +There did we find citrons, pomegranates, and cocoanuts, with which +fruits we refreshed ourselves right well; and when the sun rose we came +to a plain covered with palm-trees, from which palm wine is made; the +which was but too pleasing to my comrade, who loved the same more than +was good for him. So there we set ourselves down in the sun to dry our +clothes, which we stripped off and to that end hung them on the trees, +but for our own parts walked about in our shirts: and my carpenter +cutting a palm-tree with his axe, found it was full of wine: yet had we +no vessel to catch it in, and for our hats, we had lost them both in +the shipwreck. + +So the kindly sun having dried our clothes again, we put them on and +climbed up the high, rocky mountain that lieth on the right hand +towards the north between this plain and the sea, and looking about us +found that we were on no mainland but on this island, which in circuit +exceeded not an hour and a half's journey. And because we could see +neither near nor far off any land but only sea and sky, we were both +troubled, and lost all hope ever to see mankind again; yet contrariwise +it did comfort us that the goodness of God had brought us to this land +both safe and most fruitful, and not to a place that belike would prove +barren or inhabited of man-eaters. So we began to consider of our way +to act; and because we must live even as prisoners on this island with +one another we did swear perpetual fidelity each to each. + +Now on the said mountain there not only sat and flew many birds of +divers kinds, but it was so full of nests with eggs that we could not +sufficiently marvel thereat. Of these eggs we did eat some and took +still more with us down the hill, on which we found the spring of sweet +water which flows into the sea towards the east with such force that it +might well turn a small mill-wheel; at which we rejoiced anew and +resolved to set up our abode beside the said spring. Yet for our new +housekeeping we had no other furniture but an axe, a spoon, three +knives, a prong or fork, and a pair of scissors: and nothing more. 'Tis +true my comrade had some thirty ducats about him, but these we had +gladly bartered for a tinder-box had we known where to buy one: for +they were of no use to us at all; yea, less than my powder-horn, which +was still full of priming; this did I dry, for it was all like a +soft cake, in the sun, scattered some upon a stone, covered it with +easy-burning stuff such as the moss and cotton which the cocoanut-trees +furnished in plenty, and then drawing a knife sharply through the +powder, kindled it, which rejoiced us as much as our rescue from the +sea: and had we but had salt and bread and vessels to hold our drink +we had esteemed ourselves the luckiest fellows in the world, though +four-and-twenty hours before we might have been counted among the most +miserable; so good and faithful and merciful is God, to whom be glory +for ever and ever, Amen. + +Then we caught some birds forthwith, of which whole flocks flew about +us, plucked, washed, and stuck them on a wooden spit, and so I began to +turn the roast, while my comrade fetched me wood and prepared a shelter +that, if it should come on to rain again, might protect us from the +same, for these Indian rains in the parts towards Africa are wont to be +very unhealthy; but our lack of salt we supplied with lemon-juice to +give a flavour to our food. + + + + +_Chap. xx._: HOW THEY HIRED A FAIR COOKMAID AND BY GOD'S HELP WERE RID +OF HER AGAIN + + +This was the first meal of which we partook upon our island; and having +ended it, we had naught else to do but gather dry wood to keep up our +fire. We would fain have explored the whole island at once, but by +reason of the fatigue we had passed through, sleep so overpowered us +that we must needs lie down to rest and sleep till broad daylight. And +finding it so, we walked down the brook or glade as far as its mouth +where it flows into the sea, and saw with amazement how a great +multitude of fish of the size of middling salmon or large carp swam up +the little river into the fresh water, so that it seemed as a great +herd of swine were driven violently in; and finding also certain +bananas and sweet potatoes, which be excellent fruits, we said to each +other we had surely found the Land of Cocaigne or Monkeys' Paradise, +(though no four-footed beast there) if we had but company to help us to +enjoy both the fruitfulness of this noble island and also the plenty of +birds and fishes on it: yet could we find no single sign that ever men +had been there. + +But as we began to take counsel how we should further order our +housekeeping and whence we might have vessels wherein both to cook and +to catch the juice from the palms and let it ferment in its own +fashion, that we might have the full enjoyment of it, and as we walked +on the shore in talk of this, we saw far out at sea something that +tossed about, which we at a distance could not make out, though it +seemed bigger than it really was. For when it came near and was driven +ashore on the coast of the island it proved to be a woman, half-dead, +lying on a chest, and with both hands fast clasped to the handles of +it. Her for Christian charity we drew to dry land; and dreaming her to +be a Christian woman of Abyssinia both by her clothing and certain +marks she had on her face, we were the more busy to bring her to, to +which end (yet with all honesty, as becomes them that deal with modest +women in such a case) we set her on her head till a good deal of water +had run out of her, and albeit we had no cordial to revive her more +than our citron-juice, yet we ceased not to press under her nose that +spirituous liquor which is found at the very end of the lemon-peel and +to shake and move her about, till at last she began to stir of herself +and to speak in Portuguese: which as soon as my comrade heard, and as a +lively colour began to shew itself in her face, he said to me, "This +Abyssinian was once on our ship as maid to a Portuguese lady of +quality; for I knew them both well: they dwelt at Macao and were +purposed to sail with us to the Isle of Annabon." And she, so soon as +she heard him speak, shewed herself right glad, and called him by name, +and told us not only of her whole journey, but how she was rejoiced +both that he and she were still alive, as also that they had as old +acquaintances met on dry land and out of all danger. At that my +carpenter asked what manner of wares might be in the chest. To which +she answered they were certain parcels of Chinese apparel with firearms +and weapons, besides divers vessels of porcelain both small and great, +that should have been sent by her master to a great prince in Portugal. +At which news we rejoiced greatly, seeing that these were the things +which we most needed. Then did she beg of us that we would shew her +kindness and keep her with us: for she would gladly serve us in +cooking, washing, and other duties of a maid and obey us as a slave, if +we would but keep her under our protection and suffer her to partake +with us of the sustenance which fortune and nature provided in that +place. + +So with great toil and trouble we dragged the chest to that place which +we had chosen for our dwelling; where we did open it, and found therein +things so fitted to our needs that we could have desired nothing better +for our then condition and for the use of our household. These goods we +unpacked and dried them in the sun, in which business our new maid +shewed herself diligent and serviceable; and thereafter we began to +slay, boil, and roast birds, and while my carpenter went to fetch +palm-wine I climbed up the mountain to gather eggs for us, meaning to +boil them hard and to use them in place of good bread. And as I went I +considered with hearty gratitude the great gifts and goodness of God, +that had with such fatherly kindness caused His Providence to watch +over us and gave us the promise of further help. There did I fall upon +my face, and stretching out my arms and lifting up my heart to God I +prayed thus: "O heavenly Father of all mercies, now do I find indeed +that Thou art more ready to give than we to ask; yea, dearest Lord, +Thou hast with the fulness of Thy divine riches supplied us more +quickly and more plentifully than we poor creatures ever thought to ask +of Thee at all. O faithful Father, may it please Thy infinite +compassion to grant to us that we may never use these Thy gifts and +favours otherwise than as is agreeable to thy Holy will and pleasure, +and as may tend to the honour of Thy great and unspeakable Name, that +we, with all the Elect, may ever praise, honour, and glorify Thee here +on earth and hereafter in heaven for ever and for evermore." And with +these and the like words, which flowed from the very depth of my soul, +with hearty and true faith, I went on till I had gathered all the eggs +we needed, and with them came back to our hut even as our supper stood +excellently well served upon the chest we had that day fished out of +the sea with our cook-maid, and which my comrade had made use of for a +table. + +Now while I was absent seeking for eggs, my comrade, which was a lad of +some twenty odd years, I being now over forty, had struck a bargain +with our maid that should be both for his ruin and mine; for finding +themselves alone in my absence, and talking together of old times and +also of the fruitfulness and great delight of this blessed, yea more +than fortunate isle, they had grown so familiar that they had begun to +speak of a match between them, of which the pretended Abyssinian would +not hear, unless 'twere agreed that my comrade the carpenter should +make himself master of the island and rid them of me; for, said she, it +were impossible for them to dwell in peace in wedlock so long as an +unmarried man lived by them. + +"For bethink thyself," says she, "how would not suspicion and jealousy +plague thee, if thou wert my husband, and yet the old fellow talking +with me day by day, even if he should never think to make a cuckold of +thee! Nay, but I know a better plan: if I be to be married on this +island, that well can feed a thousand or more persons to increase the +human race, then let the old fellow marry me; for were it so 'twere but +a year to count on, or perhaps twelve or at most fourteen, in which +time he and I might breed a daughter and marry her to thee, who would +not then be of the age that the old man is now; and in the meantime ye +might cherish the certain hope that the one should be the other's +father-in-law and the other his son-in-law, and so do away all evil +suspicions and deliver me from all dangers which otherwise I might +encounter with. Doubtless 'tis true that a young woman like me would +sooner wed with a young man than an old: yet must we suit ourselves to +the circumstance as our present plight doth require, to provide that I +and she that may be born of me shall be in safety." + +By this discourse, which lasted much longer and was more fully set +forth than I have here described, and also by the beauty of the +pretended Abyssinian (which in the light of the fire did shine more +perfect than ever in my comrade's eyes) and by her lively actions, my +good carpenter was so captivated and befooled that he was not ashamed +to say he would sooner throw the old man (meaning me) into the sea and +send the whole island to the devil than deliver over to him so fair a +lady: and thereupon was the bargain I spoke of concluded between them, +namely, that he should slay me with his axe from behind or in my sleep; +for he was afeared of my great strength of body, as well as of my +staff, which he had himself fashioned for me as strong as a weaver's +beam.[45] + +So this compact being made, she shewed my comrade close to our dwelling +a kind of fine potter's earth, of which she promised to make fine +earthen vessels after the manner of the Indian women on the Guinea +coast, and laid all manner of plans how she would maintain herself +and her family on this island, rear them and provide for them a +peaceful and sufficient livelihood, yea even to the hundredth +generation: and could not boast enough of what profit she could make of +the cocoanut-trees and the cotton which the same do bear or produce, +out of which she would provide herself and all her children's children +with clothing. + +But I, poor wretch, came knowing no word of this foul business, and sat +down to enjoy what was yet before me, saying moreover, according to the +worshipful Christian usage, the Benedicite; yet no sooner had I made +the sign of the Cross over the meats and over my companions at table +and asked God's blessing, when our cookmaid vanished away with the +chest and all that had been in it, and left behind her such an horrible +stench that my comrade fainted clean away because of it. + + + + +_Chap. xxi._: HOW THEY THEREAFTER KEPT HOUSE TOGETHER AND HOW THEY SET +TO WORK + + +Now as soon as he was recovered and come to his senses, he knelt down +before me and folded his hands, and for a full quarter of an hour +continually said nothing but "Oh, my father! O my brother! O my father! +O my brother!" and then began with the repeating of these words to weep +so bitterly that for very sobbing he could utter no word that could be +understood, until I conceived that by reason of the fear and the stench +he had lost his reason. But when he would not cease this behaviour and +continually besought my forgiveness, I answered him, "Dear friend, what +have I to forgive thee that hast never harmed me in thy life? Do but +tell me how I can help thee." "Nay," says he, "I seek for pardon; for I +have sinned against God and thee and myself": and therewith began again +his former lamentations, and went on so long that at last I said I knew +no evil of him, and if he had done any such that weighed upon his +conscience, I would not only from my heart forgive and condone anything +that concerned myself, but also, so far as he might have sinned against +God, would with him beseech the divine mercy for pardon. At which words +he embraced my knees and kissed them, and looked upon me so sorrowfully +that I was as one dumb, and could not conceive or guess what ailed the +lad; but when I had taken him to my arms and embraced him, begging him +to tell me what troubled him and how I could help him, he confessed to +me in every particular his discourse with the pretended Abyssinian, and +the resolve he had formed in respect of me in despite of God and of +Nature and of Christian love and of the laws of true friendship which +we had solemnly sworn one to another: and this he did with such words +and behaviour that from it his sincere repentance and contrite heart +might easily be guessed and presumed. + +So I comforted him as well as I could, and said: God had peradventure +sent us this as a warning, that we might in time to come be better +aware of the devil's snares and temptations and live in the constant +fear of God: that he had of a surety cause enough to pray God heartily +for forgiveness for his evil intent, yet even greater cause to thank +Him for His goodness and mercy, seeing that He had in such fatherly +wise plucked him forth from wicked Satan's traps and snares and so +saved him from destruction now and eternally: and that we must perforce +here walk more circumspectly than if we dwelt in the midst of the world +among other men; for should one or the other or both fall into +temptation, there would be none at hand to help us but God Himself, +whom we must therefore the more diligently keep before our eyes and +without ceasing pray for His help and assistance. + +By talk of such things he was, 'tis true, somewhat cheered, yet would +not be altogether content, but humbly besought me to lay upon him a +penance for his sin. So to raise up his prostrate spirit as far as +might be, I said that he being a carpenter, and having yet his axe by +him, should in the same place where we, as well as our hellish +cookmaid, had come to land, set up a cross on the shore; whereby he +would not only perform a penance well pleasing to God, but also bring +it to pass that in time to come the evil spirit, who doth ever fear the +sign of Holy Cross, would not again so easily attack our island. He +answered, "Not only a cross on the shore but two also on the mountain +will I make ready and set up, if only, my father, I may again possess +thy grace and favour and be assured of God's forgiveness." In which +fervour he went away straightway and ceased not to toil till he had +made ready three crosses, whereof we set up one on the sea-shore and +the other two apart on the highest top of the hill, with the +inscription that followeth: + +"To the honour of God Almighty and in despite of the enemy of mankind, +Simon Meron, of Lisbon in Portugal, with counsel and help of his +faithful friend Simplicius Simplicissimus, a High German, did fashion +and here set up this token of our Saviour's sufferings, for Jesus +Christ His sake." + +Thenceforward we began to live somewhat more religiously than before; +and in order to our reverencing and keeping of the Sabbath, I every +day, in place of an almanack, cut a notch in a post and on Sundays a +cross; and then would we sit together and talk of holy and godly +things; and this fashion must I use because I had not yet invented +anything to serve me in the stead of ink and paper, by means of which I +might set down somewhat in writing to keep count of our life. + +And now to end this chapter I must make mention of a strange adventure +that did greatly terrify and distress us on the evening after our cook +her vanishing; for the first night we perceived it not, because sleep +overpowered us at once by reason of fatigue and great weariness. And +this was it. We having still before our eyes the thousand snares by +which the accursed devil would have wrought our ruin in the form of the +Abyssinian, could not sleep, but passed the time in watching, and +indeed for the most part in prayer; and so soon as it became a little +dark we saw floating around us in the air an innumerable quantity of +lights, which gave forth such a bright glow that we could discern the +fruit on the trees from the leaves: this we deemed to be another +invention of the enemy to torment us, and therefore kept still and +quiet, but in the end found 'twas but a kind of firefly or glow-worm, +as we call them in Germany, which are generated by a particular kind of +rotten wood that is found in this island, and shine so bright that one +can well use them in place of a lighted candle; for I have written this +book for the most part thus: and if they were as common in Europe, +Asia, and Africa as they be here, the candle-sellers would do a poor +trade. + + + + +_Chap. xxii._: FURTHER SEQUEL OF THE ABOVE STORY, AND HOW SIMON MERON +LEFT THE ISLAND AND THIS LIFE, AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS REMAINED THE SOLE +LORD OF THE ISLAND + + +And now seeing we must perforce remain where we were, we began to order +our housekeeping accordingly. So my comrade made out of a black wood +that is almost like to iron mattocks and shovels for us both, with the +help of which we first dug holes for the three crosses before +mentioned, and secondly drew the sea-water into trenches, where, as I +had seen at Alexandria in Egypt, it turned into salt; and thirdly we +began to make us a cheerful garden; for we deemed that idleness would +be for us the beginning of destruction; fourthly, we dug another +channel for the brook, into which we could at pleasure turn it off, and +so leave the old river-bed dry, and take out as many fish and crayfish +as we would with hands and feet dry: fifthly, we found near the said +brook a most beautiful potter's clay; and though we had neither lathe +nor wheel and, most of all, no borer or other instruments so as to make +anything of the kind and so mould for ourselves vessels, and though we +had never learned the craft, yet we devised a plan by which we got what +we wanted; for having kneaded and prepared the clay as it should be, we +made rolls of it of the thickness and length of English tobacco-pipes, +and these we stuck one upon another like a snail's shell and formed out +of such whatever vessels we would, both great and small, pots and +dishes, for cooking and drinking: and when our first baking of these +prospered, we had no longer reason to complain of lack of anything; +'tis true we had no bread; but yet plenty of dried fish which we used +in its stead. And in time our scheme for getting salt turned out well, +so that now we had nothing to complain of but lived like the folk in +the golden age of the world: and little by little we learned how with +eggs, dried fish, and lemon peel, which two last we ground to a soft +meal between two stones, and birds' fat, which we got from the birds +called boobies and noddies, to bake savoury cakes in place of bread: +likewise did my comrade devise how to draw off the palm-wine very +cleverly into great pots and let it stand for a few days till it +fermented; and then would he drink of it till he reeled, and this at +last he came to do every day, and God knoweth how I dissuaded him +therefrom. For he said if 'twas allowed to stand longer 'twould turn to +vinegar; in which there was some truth; yet I answered him, he should +not at one time draw so much but only enough for our needs; to which he +replied that 'twas a sin to despise the gifts of God, and that the +palm-trees must have a vein opened at proper times lest they should be +choked with their own blood: and so must I give a loose rein to his +appetites unless I would be told that I grudged him that of which we +had plenty. + +And so, as I have said, we lived like the first men in the golden age, +when a bountiful heaven produced for them all good things from the +earth without labour on their part; but even as in this world there is +no life so sweet and happy that is not at times made bitter by the gall +of suffering, so happened it with us: for the richer we grew daily in +larder and cellar, the more threadbare did our clothes from day to day +become, till at last they rotted on our bodies. And 'twas well for us +indeed that we thus far had had no winter; no, not the slightest +cold; although by this time, when we began to go naked, we had by my +notch-calendar spent more than a year and a half on the island, but all +the year round 'twas such weather as is wont to be in Europe in May and +June, save that about August and a little before it used to rain mighty +hard and there were great thunderstorms: moreover from one solstice to +another the days did not vary in length more than an hour and a +quarter. But although we were alone upon the island, yet would we not +go naked like brute beasts, but clothed as became honest Christians of +Europe: and had we but had four-footed beasts it had been easy to help +ourselves by using their hides for clothing; for lack of which we +skinned the birds we took, such as boobies and penguins, and made +clothes of this; yet because for want of the needful tools and other +material for the purpose we could not dress them so as to last, they +became stiff and uneasy and fell away in pieces from our bodies before +we were ware of it. 'Tis true the cocoanut-trees bore cotton enough for +us, yet could we neither weave nor spin: but my comrade, that had been +some years in India, shewed me on the leaves at the very tip a thing +like a sharp thorn; which if it be broken off and drawn along the stem +of the leaf, as we do with the bean-pods called Faseoli to strip them +of their rind, there will remain hanging on the said pointed thorn a +string as long as the stem or the leaf is, so that one can use the same +for needle and thread too; and this provided me with opportunity to +make for us breeches of those leaves and sew them together with the +threads of their own growing. + +But while we thus lived together, and had so improved our condition +that we had no longer any cause to trouble for overwork, waste, want, +or calamity, my comrade went on daily tippling at his palm-wine as he +had begun, and now had made a habit of it, till at last he so inflamed +his lungs and liver that, before I was rightly ware of it, he by his +untimely death left me and the island and palm-wine and all. Him did I +bury as well as I was able; and as I pondered upon the uncertainty of +human life and other the like matters, I wrote for him this epitaph +that followeth: + + "That I am buried here and not in ocean deep. + Nor in the flames of hell (from which may God us keep!) + The cause was this: three things did for my soul contend: + The first the raging sea: the next the infernal fiend. + These two did I escape by God His help and grace: + The third was wine of palms, which brought me to this place." + +So I became lord of the whole island and began again a hermit's life, +for which I had now not only opportunity more than enough but also a +fixed desire and purpose thereto. 'Tis true I made all use of the good +things and gifts of this place, with hearty thanks to God, whose +goodness and might alone had so richly provided for me, but withal I +was careful not to misuse this superfluity. And often did I wish that I +had Christian men with me that elsewhere must suffer poverty and need, +to profit with me by the gifts that God had given: but because I knew +that for His Almighty power 'twas more than possible, if it were but +His divine will, to bring thither more folk in easier and more +miraculous fashion than I had been brought, it often gave me cause +humbly to thank Him for His divine Providence in that He had in such +fatherly wise cared for me more than many thousands of other men, and +set me in a place so full of content and peace. + + + + +_Chap. xxiii._: IN WHICH THE HERMIT CONCLUDES HIS STORY AND THEREWITH +ENDS THESE HIS SIX BOOKS + + +Now had my comrade hardly been a week dead when I marked that my abode +was haunted. "Yea, yea," I thought, "Simplicissimus, thou art now +alone, and so 'twas to be expected that the evil one should endeavour +to torment thee. Didst not look that that malicious spirit would make +thy life hard for thee? Yet why take count of him, when thou hast God +to thy friend? Thou needest but somewhat wherein to exercise thyself; +else wilt thou come to thy ruin from mere idleness and superfluity; for +besides him thou hast no enemy but thine own self and the plenty and +pleasaunce of this island; therefore make thy resolve to strive against +him who in his own conceit is the strongest of all. For be he overcome +by God his help, then shouldst thou, if God will, by His grace remain +master of thyself." + +And with these thoughts I went my way for a day or two, and they made +of me a better and a piouser man; for I did prepare myself for that +encounter which without doubt I must endure with the evil spirit; yet +herein did I for this time deceive myself; for as on a certain evening +I perceived a somewhat that could be heard, I went out of my hut, which +stood close beneath a spur of that mountain, beneath which was the +spring of that sweet water that floweth through the island into the +sea; and there saw I my comrade that scrabbled with his fingers in a +cleft of the rock. Then may ye easily understand that I was afeared; +yet quickly I plucked up heart and commended myself to God's protection +with the sign of Holy Cross, and thought, "this thing must be; 'twere +better to-day than to-morrow." + +With that I went up to the spirit and used to him such words as be +customary in such a case. And then forthwith I understood that 'twas my +deceased comrade, which in his lifetime had there concealed his ducats, +as thinking that if, sooner or later, a ship should come to the island, +he would recover them and take them away with him; yea, and he gave me +to know that he had trusted more in this handful of money, whereby he +hoped again to come to his home, than on God; for which cause he must +now do penance by such unrest after his death, and moreover against his +will be a cause of uneasiness to myself. So at his desire I took forth +the money, yet held it as less than naught, as will the sooner be +believed because I had nothing on which to employ it. And this was now +the first affright that I had after I was left alone; yet afterwards +was plagued by spirits of other sorts than this one; whereof I will say +no more, but this only, that by God's help and grace I attained to +this, that I found no single enemy more, save only mine own thoughts, +which were oft troubled enough; for these go not scot-free before God, +as men do vainly talk, but in His good time a reckoning must be paid +for these also. + +So that these might the less stain my soul with sins, I busied myself +not only in the avoiding of that which profited naught, but did impose +on myself a bodily task the which to perform with my customary prayer; +for as man is born for work like the bird for flying, so on the other +hand doth idleness inflict her sicknesses both on soul and body, and in +the end, when we be least ware of it, eternal ruin. For this cause I +planted me a garden, of which indeed I had less need than the waggon +hath of a fifth wheel, seeing that the whole island might well be +called one lovely pleasure-garden; so was my work of no other avail but +that I brought this and that into completer order, albeit to many the +natural disorder of the plants as they grew mingled together might +appear more pleasing, and again that, as aforesaid, I shunned idleness. +O how oft did I wish, when I had wearied out my body and must give it +rest, that I had godly books wherein to comfort, to delight, and to +edify myself! But such I could not come by. Yet as I had once read of a +holy man that he said the whole wide world was to him one great book; +wherein to recognise the wondrous works of God and to be cheered to +praise Him, so I thought to follow him therein, howbeit I was, so to +speak, no longer in the world. For that little island must be my whole +world, and in the same, every thing, yea, every tree, an incitement to +godliness and a reminder of such thoughts as a good Christian should +have. Thus, did I see a prickly plant, forthwith I thought on Christ +his crown of thorns; saw I an apple or a pomegranate, then I reflected +on the fall of our first parents and mourned therefore; when I did draw +palm-wine from a tree, I fancied to myself how mercifully my Redeemer +had shed His blood for me on the tree of the Holy Cross; when I looked +on sea or on mountain, then I remembered this or that miracle which our +Saviour had wrought in such places; and when I found one or more stones +that were convenient for casting, I had before mine eyes the picture of +the Jews that would have stoned Christ; and when I walked in my garden +I thought on the prayer of agony in Mount Olivet, or on the grave of +Christ, and how after His Resurrection He appeared to Mary Magdalene in +the garden. Such thoughts were my daily occupation; never did I eat but +that I thought on the Last Supper, and never cooked my food without the +fire reminding me of the eternal pains of hell. + +At last I found that with Brazil-juice, of which there be several sorts +on this island, when mixed with lemon-juice, 'twas easy to write on a +kind of large palm-leaves; which rejoiced me greatly; for now could I +devise and write out prayers in order; yea, in the end, considering +with hearty repentance my whole life and my knavish tricks that I had +committed from my youth up, and how the merciful God, despite all such +gross sins, had not only thus far preserved me from everlasting +damnation, but had given me time and opportunity to better myself and +to be converted, to beg His forgiveness and to thank Him for His +mercies, I did write down all that had befallen me in this book made of +the afore-mentioned palm-leaves, and laid them together with my +comrade's ducats in this place, to the end that if at any time folk +should come hither, they might find such, and therefrom learn who it +was that before inhabited this island. And whoso shall find this and +read it, be it to-day or to-morrow, either before or after my death, +him I beg that if he meet therein with words which be not becoming, for +one that would do better, to speak, much less to write, he will not be +angered thereat, but will consider that the telling of light actions +and stories demands words fitting thereto; and even as the houseleek +cannot easily be soaked by any rain, that so a true and devout spirit +cannot forthwith be infected, poisoned, and corrupted by any discourse, +though it seem as wanton as you will. The honourably minded Christian +reader will rather wonder, and praise the divine mercy, when he shall +find that so knavish a companion as I have been yet hath had such grace +of God as to resign the world and to live in such a condition that +therein he hopeth to come to eternal glory and to attain to everlasting +blessedness by the sufferings of his Redeemer, through a pious + + END + + + + +APPENDIX B + + +Attached to chap. xxiii. is the "Relation of Jean Cornelissen of +Harlem, a Dutch sea-captain, to his good friend German Schleifheim von +Sulsfort concerning Simplicissimus." + +Its contents are as follows: + +On a voyage from the Moluccas to the Cape of Good Hope Cornelissen is +separated by stress of weather from the fleet with which he had sailed. +Having many of his crew sick, and no fresh water, he is delighted to +discover Simplicissimus' isle. His men go ashore and find the hermit's +dwelling, which, as the captain only afterwards learn they plunder, and +generally behave brutally. Cornelissen finds the crosses and many pious +inscriptions on trees, which prove to him that the unknown is a good +Christian though probably a Papist. The crew track Simplicissimus to a +vast cavern, on entering which their lights are miraculously +extinguished. There is an earthquake, and the seamen who had taken part +in the plundering of the hermit's dwelling are smitten with madness. +Cornelissen, with the chaplain and officers, determines to find +Simplicissimus at any cost. They penetrate the cave, but their lights +also go out, and Simplicissimus addresses them from the darkness and +remonstrates with them for their interference. The chaplain apologises, +and asks how the madmen may be cured: he is told that they are to +swallow the kernels of certain plums they had eaten. They offer to take +him back to Europe, but he refuses. After making a bargain with them to +secure his being left in peace, Simplicissimus shews himself surrounded +with his glow-worms. He leads them out of the cave and shews them his +ruined hut, and tells how his ducats and his book had been stolen. The +madmen are brought to their senses again. Simplicissimus recovers his +book, which he entrusts to Cornelissen, but again refuses to return to +sinful Europe. They rebuild his hut for him, provide him with plenty of +tools, a burning-glass, cotton clothing, and a pair of rabbits for +breeding purposes: and so, their sick being all recovered, sail away +and leave him there. + +[A reference to the "Introduction" will show that this island adventure +could have had no place in the Simplician cycle of romances; unless we +suppose, which is highly improbable, that the author meant it to be +subsequent to the inn episode, in which Simplicissimus' family and +friends all meet. Most likely we have here the latest addition, in +point of composition, to the legend.] + + + + +[The following is given as a specimen of the nonsense of which the +various continuations are made up.] + + +APPENDIX C + +"Continuatio," _chap. xiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS IN RETURN FOR A +NIGHT'S LODGING, TAUGHT HIS HOST A CURIOUS ART + + +Now the evening before this I had lost a certain catalogue of those +special arts which I had aforetime practised and written down that I +might not forget them so easily: yet I depended not on this to remember +how to perform them and with what helps. For example I do here set down +the beginning of this list: + +So to prepare matches or fuses that they shall give out no smell, +seeing that by such smell musqueteers be often betrayed and their plans +defeated. + +To prepare match so that it will burn though it be wet. + +To prepare powder so that it will not burn though red-hot steel be +thrust therein: very useful for fortresses that must harbour much of so +dangerous a guest. + +To shoot men or birds with powder alone so that they shall lie as dead +for a while and yet rise up again without harm. + +To give a man double strength without the use of carbine-thistle or +other such forbidden means. + +If a sally from a fortress be checked, so to spike the enemy's guns in +a moment that they must burst. + +To spoil a man's gun so that it will scare all game to cover till it be +again cleansed with a certain other substance. + +To hit the bull's-eye in a target more quickly by laying the gun on the +shoulder and firing backward, than if a man should take aim and fire in +the accustomed way. + +A special art to provide that no bullet may hit thee. + +To prepare an instrument by means of which, specially on a still night, +a man can in wondrous wise hear all that sounds or is spoken at an +incredible distance (otherwise clean impossible and supernatural); very +profitable for sentries and specially in sieges, etc. (bk. iii., chap. +1.). + +In like manner were many arts described in the said catalogue which +mine host had found and read: so he came to me himself into my +chamber, shewed me the list, and asked whether 'twas possible that +these things could be done by natural means; for that could he scarce +believe; yet must confess that in his youth, when he served as a page +in Italy with Field-marshal von Schauenburg, it was given out by some +that the princes of Savoy were proof against bullets: which the said +Field-marshal desired to make proof of in the person of Prince Thomas, +whom he then kept besieged in a fortress; for when on a time both sides +had agreed on a truce for an hour to bury the dead and to confer +together, he had commanded a corporal of his regiment, that was held to +be the best marksman in the whole army, to take aim at the said prince +while he should be standing on the parapet of the wall for a parley, +and so soon as the hour agreed upon should end, to fire at him with his +piece, with which he could put a lighted candle out at fifty paces: +that this corporal had taken careful note of the time and kept the said +prince under observation the whole time of the truce, and at the very +moment when it ended with the first stroke of the hour, fired at him: +yet had his piece, contrary to all belief, missed fire, and before the +corporal could make ready again the prince was gone behind the parapet; +whereupon the corporal pointed out to the Field-marshal, who had +likewise come to him on the trenches, a Switzer of the prince's guard, +at whom he aimed and hit him in such fashion that he rolled over and +over; wherefrom it plainly appeared that there was something in the +story that no prince of the house of Savoy could be hit or harmed. Yet +whether this was brought about by such arts, or whether perchance the +said princely house enjoyed a special grace from God, being, as 'twas +said, sprung from the race of the royal prophet David, he knew not. + +I answered, "I know not either, but this I do know of a surety, that +the arts here specified be natural and no witchcraft." Which if he +would not believe, let him but say which he held to be the most +wonderful and impossible and I would at once to satisfy him (provided +only that 'twas one that asked not long time but only such means as I +had then at hand), make trial of it, for I must presently be a-foot and +pursue my journey. At that he said this seemed to him the most +impossible, that gunpowder should not burn if fire were put to it, +unless one should first pour the powder into water; which if I could by +natural means effect he would believe concerning all the other arts, +though there were over sixty of them, what he might not see and before +such trial could not believe. I answered, let him bring me quickly a +charge of powder and also a certain substance which I had need of, and +fire also, and presently he should see that the trick would hold. This +being done, I caused him to follow my process and then set light to the +powder: yet could he do no more than burn here and there a grain though +he worked at it for a quarter of an hour, and accomplished no more than +that he cooled a red-hot iron and quenched matches and lighted coals in +the very powder itself. "Aha!" says he, "the powder is bad." But I +answered him in act, and without much ado, before he could count a +score, so worked it that the powder blew up when he had scarce touched +it with the fire. + + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 1: _Lit._, "Bohemian Villages," _i.e._, with unpronounceable +names.] + +[Footnote 2: William, Duke of Aquitaine, and afterwards a Saint noted +for the acerbity of his penances.] + +[Footnote 3: A proverb: on Saint Gertrude's day spinning ceases and +garden-work begins.] + +[Footnote 4: Viz. "ihnen den Hintern zu lecken."] + +[Footnote 5: The commandments are here numbered according to the Roman +arrangement, but the meaning is obscure.] + +[Footnote 6: The hermit.] + +[Footnote 7: _i.e._ full of innocence.] + +[Footnote 8: Given as an example of a Roman of luxurious tastes.] + +[Footnote 9: Refers to an episode omitted in this translation.] + +[Footnote 10: Allusion to a cruel practice in use in falconry.] + +[Footnote 11: Proverbial: an allusion to a popular story.] + +[Footnote 12: Lit. there are folk dwelling beyond the mountains too.] + +[Footnote 13: I.e., he was bewitched.] + +[Footnote 14: Hessian General.] + +[Footnote 15: It is difficult to translate the German expression. +Probably this word, meaning a maritime trader in illicit wares, +represents it best.] + +[Footnote 16: Obscure lines: many of the expressions in this chapter +are now inexplicable.] + +[Footnote 17: He wrote the words down as he was told as if they meant +the _judge's_ mother.] + +[Footnote 18: The cuirass would be well lined to prevent chafing.] + +[Footnote 19: Some 120 years before.] + +[Footnote 20: Besieged by the Spaniards from 1601 to 1604.] + +[Footnote 21: A kind of Eldorado.] + +[Footnote 22: The famous cavalry commander of the Imperialists.] + +[Footnote 23: The musqueteer supported his piece on a prop or stake.] + +[Footnote 24: See chap. iii.] + +[Footnote 25: viz. Lippstadt.] + +[Footnote 26: The initials only of the name are given in the original.] + +[Footnote 27: The pastor was 'Reformed' (i.e. Calvinist).] + +[Footnote 28: I.e., at the Antipodes: "at the other end of the world."] + +[Footnote 29: Referring to a body of Breton troops sent by Richelieu to +help Guébriant. They turned out worthless.] + +[Footnote 30: "Bearskinner" was the troopers' name for a malingerer. It +was taken from a very old legend.] + +[Footnote 31: The allusion is to the escape of the robber-knight, +Eppelin von Gailingen, from the Castle of Nuremberg.] + +[Footnote 32: In 1063 the retainers of the Bishop of Hildesheim and the +Abbot of Fulda fought in church at Goslar, and much bloodshed ensued.] + +[Footnote 33: Act as a usurer or cheat.] + +[Footnote 34: He may possibly mean the three old fortifications of +which ruins still remain: Schwaben-, Schweden-, and Alexander-schanze; +all of which are close to his favourite spa at Griesbach.] + +[Footnote 35: See chap. xi. above.] + +[Footnote 36: This was "Courage," the heroine of some of +Grimmelshausen's later romances.] + +[Footnote 37: Unknown.] + +[Footnote 38: The jest is now unintelligible.] + +[Footnote 39: It was really Christian of Brunswick, marching to join +Mansfeld.] + +[Footnote 40: "Goblin" or rather "bogey" lake.] + +[Footnote 41: D'Enghien.] + +[Footnote 42: A hedge schoolmaster.] + +[Footnote 43: Offa. Offenburg.] + +[Footnote 44: Baiersbronn.] + +[Footnote 45: Literally "a Bohemian ear-picker."] + + + + + BALLANTYNE & COMPANY LTD + Tavistock Street Covent Garden + London + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 33858 *** |