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diff --git a/33583.txt b/33583.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a4072a --- /dev/null +++ b/33583.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16972 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of L'Arrabiata and Other Tales, by Paul Heyse + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: L'Arrabiata and Other Tales + +Author: Paul Heyse + +Translator: Mary Wilson + +Release Date: August 30, 2010 [EBook #33583] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK L'ARRABIATA AND OTHER TALES *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Bowen, from page scans provided by the Web Archive + + + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + 1. Page scan source: +http://www.archive.org/details/larrabiataandot00heysgoog + + 2. Contents: 1. L'Arrabiata, 2. Count Ernest's Home, 3. Blind, 4. +Walter's Little Mother; 5. The Dead Lake and Other Tales: (a) A +Fortnight at the Dead Lake, (b) Doomed, (c) Beatrice, (d) Beginning and +End. + + + + + + + L'ARRABIATA + + AND + + OTHER TALES + + BY + + PAUL HEYSE. + + + FROM THE GERMAN + BY + MARY WILSON. + + + + _Authorized Edition_. + + + + LEIPZIG 1867 + BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ. + LONDON: SAMPSON LOW, SON, AND MARSTON. + MILTON HOUSE, LUDGATE HILL. + PARIS: C. REINWALD, 15, RUE DES SAINTS PERES. + NEW YORK: LEYPOLDT & HOLT, 451, BROOME STREET. + + + + + + L'ARRABIATA. + + + + + + L'ARRABIATA. + + +The day had scarcely dawned.--Over Vesuvius hung one broad grey stripe +of mist; stretching across as far as Naples, and darkening all the +small towns along the coast. The sea lay calm. But about the marina of +the narrow creek, that lies beneath the Sorrento cliffs, fishermen and +their wives were at work already, with giant cables drawing their boats +to land, and the nets that had been cast the night before. Others were +rigging their craft; trimming the sails, and fetching out oars and +masts from the great grated vaults that have been built deep into the +rocks for shelter to the tackle over night. Nowhere an idle hand; even +the very aged, who had long given up going to sea, fell into the long +chain of those who were hauling in the nets. Here and there, on some +flat housetop, an old woman stood and span; or busied herself about her +grandchildren, whom their mother had left to help her husband. + +"Do you see, Rachela? yonder is our Padre Curato;" said one, to a +little thing of ten, who brandished a small spindle by her side; +"Antonio is to row him over to Capri. Madre Santissima! but the +reverend signor's eyes are dull with sleep!" and she waved her hand to +a benevolent looking little priest, who was settling himself in the +boat, and spreading out upon the bench his carefully tucked-up skirts. + +The men upon the quay had dropped their work, to see their pastor off, +who bowed and nodded kindly, right and left. + +"What for must he go to Capri, granny?" asked the child. "Have the +people there no priest of their own, that they must borrow ours?" + +"Silly thing!" returned the granny. "Priests they have, in plenty--and +the most beautiful of churches, and a hermit too, which is more than we +have. But there lives a great Signora, who once lived here; she was so +very ill!--Many's the time our Padre had to go and take the Most Holy +to her, when they thought she could not live the night. But with the +Blessed Virgin's help, she did get strong and well--and was able to +bathe every day in the sea. When she went away, she left a fine heap of +ducats behind her, for our church, and for the poor; and she would not +go, they say, until our Padre promised to go and see her over there, +that she might confess to him as before. It is quite wonderful, the +store she lays by him!--Indeed, and we have cause to bless ourselves +for having a curato who has gifts enough for an archbishop; and is in +such request with all the great folks. The Madonna be with him!" she +cried, and waved her hand again, as the boat was about to put from +shore. + +"Are we to have fair weather, my son?" enquired the little priest, with +an anxious look towards Naples. + +"The sun is not yet up;" the young man answered: "When he comes, he +will easily do for that small trifle of mist." + +"Off with you, then! that we may arrive before the heat." + +Antonio was just reaching for his long oar to shove away the boat, when +suddenly he paused, and fixed his eyes upon the summit of the steep +path that leads down from Sorrento to the water. + +A tall and slender girlish figure had become visible upon the heights, +and was now hastily stepping down the stones, waving her pocket +handkerchief. + +She had a small bundle under her arm, and her dress was mean and poor. +Yet she had a distinguished, if somewhat savage way of throwing back +her head; and the dark tress that wreathed it, on her, was like a +diadem. + +"What have we to wait for?" enquired the curato. "There is some one +coming, who wants to go to Capri. With your permission. Padre. We shall +not go a whit the slower. It is a slight young thing, but just +eighteen." + +At that moment the young girl appeared from behind the wall that bounds +the winding path. + +"Laurella!" cried the priest, "and what has she to do in Capri?" + +Antonio shrugged his shoulders. She came up with hasty steps, her eyes +fixed straight before her. + +"Ha! l'Arrabiata! good morning!" shouted one or two of the young +boatmen. But for the curato's presence, they might have added more; the +look of mute defiance with which the young girl received their welcome, +appeared to tempt the more mischievous among them. + +"Good day, Laurella!" now said the priest; "how are you? Are you coming +with us to Capri?" + +"If I may. Padre." + +"Ask Antonio there, the boat is his. Every man is master of his own, I +say; as God is master of us all." + +"There is half a carlin, if I may go for that?" said Laurella, without +looking at the young boatman. + +"You need it more than I;" he muttered, and pushed aside some +orange-baskets to make room: he was to sell the oranges in Capri, which +little isle of rocks, has never been able to grow enough for all its +visitors. + +"I do not choose to go for nothing;" said the young girl, with a slight +frown of her dark eyebrows. + +"Come, child," said the priest; "he is a good lad, and had rather not +enrich himself with that little morsel of your poverty. Come now, and +step in;" and he stretched out his hand to help her; "and sit you down +by me. See now, he has spread his jacket for you, that you may sit the +softer; young folks are all alike; for one little maiden of eighteen, +they will do more than for ten of us reverend fathers. Nay, no excuse, +Tonino. It is the Lord's own doing, that like and like should hold +together." + +Meantime Laurella had stepped in, and seated herself beside the Padre, +first putting away Antonio's jacket, without a word. The young fellow +let it lie, and muttering between his teeth, he gave one vigorous push +against the pier, and the little boat flew out into the open bay. + +"What are you carrying there in that little bundle?" enquired the +Padre, as they were floating on over a calm sea, now just beginning to +be lighted up with the earliest rays of the rising sun. + +"Silk, thread, and a loaf, Padre. The silk is to be sold at Anacapri, +to a woman who makes ribbons, and the thread to another." + +"Self spun?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"You once learned to weave ribbons yourself, if I remember right?" + +"I did, sir, only mother has been much worse, and I cannot stay so long +from home; and a loom to ourselves, we are not rich enough to buy." + +"Worse, is she? Ah! dear, dear! when I was with you last, at Easter, +she was up." + +"The spring is always her worst time, ever since those last great +storms, and the earthquakes, she has been forced to keep her bed from +pain." + +"Pray, my child. Never grow slack of prayers and petitions, that the +blessed Virgin may intercede for you; and be industrious and good, that +your prayers may find a hearing." + +After a pause; "When you were coming toward the shore, I heard them +calling after you: 'Good morning, l'Arrabiata!' they said, what made +them call you so? it is not a nice name for a young Christian maiden, +who should be meek and mild." + +The young girl's brown face glowed all over, while her eyes flashed +fire. + +"They always mock me so, because I do not dance and sing, and stand +about to chatter, as other girls do. I might be left in peace, I think; +I do _them_ no harm." + +"Nay, but you might be civil. Let others dance and sing, on whom this +life sits lighter, but a kind word now and then, is seemly even from +the most afflicted." + +Her dark eyes fell, and she drew her eyebrows closer over them, as if +she would have hidden them. + +They went on a while in silence. The sun now stood resplendent above +the mountain chain; only the tip of mount Vesuvius towered beyond the +group of clouds that had gathered about its base. And on the Sorrento +plains, the houses were gleaming white from the dark green of their +orange-gardens. + +"Have you heard no more of that painter, Laurella?" asked the curato; +"that Neapolitan, who wished so much to marry you?" She shook her head. +"He came to make a picture of you. Why would you not let him?" + +"What did he want it for? there are handsomer girls than I;--who knows +what he would have done with it?--he might have bewitched me with it, +or hurt my soul, or even killed me, mother says." + +"Never believe such sinful things!" said the little curato very +earnestly; "Are not you ever in God's keeping, without Whose will not +one hair of your head can fall; and is one poor mortal with an image in +his hand, to prevail against the Lord? Besides, you might have seen +that he was fond of you; else why should he want to marry you?" + +She said nothing. + +"And wherefore did you refuse him? he was an honest man they say; and a +comely; and he would have kept you and your mother far better than you +ever can yourself, for all your spinning and silk winding." + +"We are so poor!" she said passionately; "and mother has been ill so +long, we should have become a burthen to him;--and then I never should +have done for a Signora. When his friends came to see him, he would +only have been ashamed of me." + +"How can you say so? I tell you the man was good and kind;--he would +even have been willing to settle in Sorrento. It will not be so easy to +find another, sent straight from Heaven to be the saving of you, as +this man, indeed, appeared to be." + +"I want no husband;--I never shall;" she said, very stubbornly, half to +herself. + +"Is this a vow? or do you mean to be a nun?" + +She shook her head. + +"The people are not so wrong, who call you wilful, although the name +they give you is not kind. Have you ever considered that you stand +alone in the world, and that your perverseness must make your sick +mother's illness worse to bear, her life more bitter? And what sound +reason can you have to give, for rejecting an honest hand, stretched +out to help you and your mother? Answer me, Laurella." + +"I have a reason;" she said, reluctantly, and speaking low; "but it is +one I cannot give." + +"Not give! not give to me? not to your confessor, whom you surely know +to be your friend,--or is he not?" + +Laurella nodded. + +"Then, child, unburthen your heart. If your reason be a good one, I +shall be the very first to uphold you in it. Only you are young, and +know so little of the world. A time may come, when you may find cause +to regret a chance of happiness, thrown away for some foolish fancy +now." + +Shyly she threw a furtive glance over to the other end of the boat, +where the young boatman sat, rowing fast. His woollen cap was pulled +deep down over his eyes; he was gazing far across the water, with +averted head, sunk, as it appeared, in his own meditations. + +The priest observed her look, and bent his ear down closer. + +"You did not know my father?"--she whispered, while a dark look +gathered in her eyes. + +"Your father, child!--why, your father died when you were ten years +old--what can your father, (Heaven rest his soul in Paradise!) have to +do with this present perversity of yours?" + +"You did not know him, Padre; you did not know that mother's illness +was caused by him alone." + +"And how?" + +"By his ill treatment of her; he beat her, and trampled upon her. I +well remember the nights when he came home in his fits of frenzy--she +never said a word, and did everything he bid her. Yet he would beat her +so, my heart felt like to break. I used to cover up my head, and +pretend to be asleep, but I cried all night. And then when he saw her +lying on the floor, quite suddenly he would change, and lift her up and +kiss her, till she screamed, and said he smothered her. Mother forbade +me ever to say a word of this; but it wore her out. And in all these +long years since father died, she has never been able to get well +again. And if she should soon die, which God forbid! I know who it was +that killed her." + +The little curate's head wagged slowly to and fro; he seemed uncertain +how far to acquiesce in the young girl's reasons. At length he said: +"Forgive him, as your mother has forgiven!--And turn your thoughts from +such distressing pictures, Laurella; there may be better days in store +for you, which will make you forget the past." + +"Never shall I forget that!"--she said, and shuddered;--"and you must +know, Padre, it is the reason why I have resolved to remain unmarried. +I never will be subject to a man, who may beat and then caress me. Were +a man now to want to beat or kiss me, I could defend myself; but mother +could not:--neither from his blows or kisses, because she loved him. +Now I will never so love a man as to be made ill and wretched by him." + +"You are but a child; and you talk like one who knows nothing at all of +life. Are all men like that poor father of yours? do all illtreat their +wives, and give vent to every whim, and gust of passion? Have you never +seen a good man yet? or known good wives, who live in peace and harmony +with their husbands?" + +"But nobody ever knew how father was to mother;--she would have died +sooner than complained, or told of him--and all because she loved him. +If this be love;--if love can close our lips when they should cry out +for help; if it is to make us suffer without resistance, worse than +even our worst enemy could make us suffer, then I say, I never will be +fond of mortal man." + +"I tell you you are childish; you know not what you are saying. When +your time comes, you are not likely to be consulted whether you choose +to fall in love or not." After a pause; "And that painter: did you +think he could have been cruel?" + +"He made those eyes I have seen my father make, when he begged my +mother's pardon, and took her in his arms to make it up--I know those +eyes. A man may make such eyes, and yet find it in his heart to beat a +wife who never did a thing to vex him! It made my flesh creep to see +those eyes again." + +After this, she would not say another word.--Also the curato remained +silent. He bethought himself of more than one wise saying, wherewith +the maiden might have been admonished; but he refrained, in +consideration of the young boatman, who had been growing rather +restless towards the close of this confession.-- + +When, after two hours' rowing, they reached the little bay of Capri, +Antonio took the padre in his arms, and carried him through the last +few ripples of shallow water, to set him reverently down upon his legs +on dry land. But Laurella did not wait for him to wade back and fetch +her. Gathering up her little petticoat, holding in one hand her wooden +shoes, and in the other her little bundle, with one splashing step or +two, she had reached the shore. "I have some time to stay at Capri," +said the priest. "You need not wait--I may not perhaps return before +to-morrow. When you get home, Laurella, remember me to your mother;--I +will come and see her within the week.--You mean to go back before it +gets dark?"-- + +"If I find an opportunity," answered the young girl, turning all her +attention to her skirts. + +"I must return, you know;" said Antonio, in a tone which he believed to +be of great indifference--"I shall wait here till the Ave Maria--if you +should not come, it is the same to me." + +"You must come;" interposed the little priest:--"you never can leave +your mother all alone at night--Is it far you have to go?" + +"To a vineyard by Anacapri." + +"And I to Capri, so now God bless you, child--and you, my son." + +Laurella kissed his hand, and let one farewell drop, for the Padre and +Antonio to divide between them. Antonio, however, appropriated no part +of it to himself, he pulled off his cap exclusively to the padre, +without even looking at Laurella. But after they had turned their +backs, he let his eyes travel but a short way with the padre, as he +went toiling over the deep bed of small loose stones; he soon sent them +after the maiden, who, turning to the right, had begun to climb the +heights, holding one hand above her eyes to protect them from the +scorching sun. Just before the path disappeared behind high walls, she +stopped, as if to gather breath, and looked behind her. At her feet lay +the marina; the rugged rocks rose high around her; the sea was shining +in the rarest of its deep blue splendour. The scene was surely worth a +moment's pause. But as chance would have it, her eye, in glancing past +Antonio's boat, met with Antonio's own, which had been following her as +she climbed. + +Each made a slight movement, as persons do who would excuse themselves +for some mistake; and then, with her darkest look, the maiden went her +way. + + + * * * * * + + +Hardly one hour had passed since noon, and yet for the last two, +Antonio had been sitting waiting on the bench before the fisher's +tavern. He must have been very much preoccupied with something, for he +jumped up every moment to step out into the sunshine, and look +carefully up and down the roads, which, parting right and left, lead to +the only two little towns upon the island. He did not altogether trust +the weather, he then said to the hostess of the Osteria; to be sure, it +was clear enough, but he did not quite like that tint of sea and sky. +Just so it had looked, he said, before that last awful storm, when the +English family had been so nearly lost; surely she must remember it? + +No, indeed, she said, she didn't. + +Well, if the weather should happen to change before the night, she was +to think of him, he said. + +"Have you many fine folk over there?" she asked him, after a while. + +"They are only just beginning; as yet, the season has been bad enough; +those who came to bathe, came late. + +"The spring came late. Have you not been earning more than we at +Capri?" + +"Not enough to give me maccaroni twice a week, if I had had nothing but +the boat;--only a letter now and then to take to Naples;--or a +gentleman to row out into the open sea, that he might fish. But you +know I have an uncle who is rich:--he owns more than one fine orange +garden,--and; 'Tonino,' says he to me; 'while I live you shall not +suffer want, and when I am gone you will find that I have taken care of +you;' and so, with God's help, I got through the winter." + +"Has he children, this uncle who is so rich?" + +"No, he never married; he was long in foreign parts, and many a good +piastre he has laid together. He is going to set up a great fishing +business, and set me over it, to see the rights of it." + +"Why, then you are a made man, Tonino!" + +The young boatman shrugged his shoulders. "Every man has his own +burthen;" he said, starting up again to have another look at the +weather, turning his eyes right and left, although he must have known +that there can be no weather side but one. + +"Let me fetch you another bottle;" said the Hostess; "your uncle can +well afford to pay for it." + +"Not more than one glass, it is a fiery wine you have in Capri, and my +head is hot already." + +"It does not heat the blood; you may drink as much of it as you like. +And here is my husband coming, so you must sit awhile, and talk to +him." + +And in fact, with his nets over his shoulder, and his red cap upon his +curly head, down came the comely padrone of the Osteria. He had been +taking a dish of fish to that great lady, to set before the little +curato. As soon as he caught sight of the young boatman, he began +waving him a most cordial welcome; and came to sit beside him on the +bench, chattering and asking questions. Just as his wife was bringing +her second bottle of pure unadulterated Capri, they heard the crisp +sand crunch, and Laurella was seen approaching from the left hand road +to Anacapri. She nodded slightly in salutation; then stopped, and +hesitated. + +Antonio sprang from his seat;--"I must go," he said; "It is a young +Sorrento girl, who came over with the Signer curato in the morning. She +has to get back to her sick mother before night." + +"Well, well, time enough yet before night;" observed the fisherman; +"time enough to take a glass of wine. Wife, I say, another glass!" + +"I thank you; I had rather not;"--and Laurella kept her distance. + +"Fill the glasses, wife; fill them both, I say; she only wants a little +pressing." + +"Don't," interposed the lad. "It is a wilful head of her own she has; a +saint could not persuade her to what she does not choose." And taking a +hasty leave, he ran down to the boat, loosened the rope and stood +waiting for Laurella.--Again she bent her head to the hostess, and +slowly approached the water, with lingering steps--she looked around on +every side, as if in hopes of seeing some other passenger. But the +marina was deserted. The fishermen were asleep, or rowing about the +coast with rods or nets; a few women and children sat before their +doors, spinning or sleeping--such strangers as had come over in the +morning, were waiting for the cool of the evening to return. She had +not time to look about her long; before she could prevent him, Antonio +had seized her in his arms, and carried her to the boat, as if she had +been an infant. He leapt in after her, and with a stroke or two of his +oar, they were in deep water. + +She had seated herself at the end of the boat, half turning her back to +him, so that he could only see her profile. She wore a sterner look +than ever, the low straight brow was shaded by her hair; the rounded +lips were firmly closed; only the delicate nostril occasionally gave a +wilful quiver. After they had gone on a while in silence, she began to +feel the scorching of the sun; and unloosening her bundle, she threw +the handkerchief over her head, and began to make her dinner of the +bread; for in Capri she had eaten nothing. + +Antonio did not stand this long; he fetched out a couple of the +oranges, with which the baskets had been filled in the morning: "Here +is something to eat to your bread, Laurella;" he said: "don't think I +kept them for you; they had rolled out of the basket, and I only found +them when I brought the baskets back to the boat." + +"Eat them yourself; bread is enough for me." + +"They are refreshing in this heat, and you have had to walk so far." + +"They gave me a drink of water, and that refreshed me." + +"As you please;" he said,--and let them drop into the basket + +Silence again; the sea was smooth as glass. Not a ripple was heard +against the prow. Even the white seabirds that roost among those caves, +pursued their prey with soundless flight. + +"You might take the oranges to your mother;" again commenced Tonino. + +"We have oranges at home, and when they are done, I can go and buy some +more." + +"Nay, take these to her, and give them to her with my compliments." + +"She does not know you." + +"You could tell her who I am." + +"I do not know you either." + +It was not for the first time that she denied him thus. One Sunday of +last year, when that painter had first come to Sorrento, Antonio had +chanced to be playing Boccia with some other young fellows, in the +little piazza by the chief street. + +There, for the first time, had the painter caught sight of Laurella, +who, with her pitcher on her head, had passed by without taking any +notice of him. The Neapolitan, struck by her appearance, stood still +and gazed after her, not heeding that he was standing in the very midst +of the game, which, with two steps, he might have cleared. A very +ungentle ball came knocking against his shins, as a reminder that this +was not the spot to choose for meditation. He looked round, as if in +expectation of some excuse. But the young boatman who had thrown the +ball, stood silent among his friends, in an attitude of so much +defiance, that the stranger had found it more advisable to go his ways, +and avoid discussion. Still, this little encounter had been spoken of; +particularly at the time when the painter had been pressing his suit to +Laurella. "I do not even know him;" she had said, indignantly, when the +painter asked her whether it was for the sake of that uncourteous lad, +she now refused him? But she had heard that piece of gossip, and known +Antonio well enough, when she had met him since. + +And now they sat together in this boat, like two most deadly enemies, +while their hearts were beating fit to kill them. Antonio's usually so +good humoured face was heated scarlet; he struck the oars so sharply +that the foam flew over to where Laurella sat; while his lips moved, as +if muttering angry words. She pretended not to notice; wearing her most +unconscious look, bending over the edge of the boat, and letting the +cool water pass between her fingers. Then she threw off her +handkerchief again, and began to smooth her hair, as though she had +been alone. Only her eyebrows twitched, and she held up her wet hands +in vain attempts to cool her burning cheeks. + +Now they were well out into the open sea. The island was far behind, +and the coast before them lay yet distant in the hot haze. Not a sail +was within sight, far or near; not even a passing gull to break the +stillness. Antonio looked all round; evidently ripening some hasty +resolution. The colour faded suddenly from his cheek, and he dropped +his oars. Laurella looked round involuntarily;--fearless,--but yet +attentive. + +"I must make an end of this;" the young fellow burst forth. "It has +lasted too long already. I only wonder that it has not killed me!--you +say you do not know me? And all this time, you must have seen me pass +you like a madman, my whole heart full of what I had to tell you, and +then you only made your crossest mouth, and turned your back upon me." + +"What had I to say to you?" she curtly said. "I may have seen that you +were inclined to meddle with me, but I do not choose to be on people's +wicked tongues for nothing. I do not mean to have you for a husband. +Neither you, nor any other." + +"Nor any other? so will you not always say!--You say so now, because +you would not have that painter. Bah! you were but a child! You will +feel lonely enough yet, some day; and then, wild as you are, you will +take the next best who comes to hand." + +"Who knows? which of us can see the future? It may be that I change my +mind. What is that to you?" + +"What it is to me?" he flew out, starting to his feet, while the small +boat leapt and danced; "what it is to me, you say? You know well +enough! I tell you, that man shall perish miserably, to whom you shall +prove kinder than you have been to me!" + +"And to you, what did I ever promise?--Am I to blame, if you be +mad?--What right have you to me?" + +"Ah! I know," he cried, "my right is written nowhere. It has not been +put in Latin by any lawyer, nor stamped with any seal. But this I feel; +I have just the right to you, I have to Heaven, if I die an honest +Christian. Do you think I could look on, and see you go to church with +another man, and see the girls go by, and shrug their shoulders at me?" + +"You can do as you please. I am not going to let myself be frightened +by all those threats. I also mean to do as I please." + +"You shall not say so long!" and his whole frame shook with passion. "I +am not the man to let my whole life be spoiled by a stubborn wench like +you! You are in my power here, remember, and may be made to do my +bidding." + +She could not repress a start, but her eyes flashed bravely on him. + +"You may kill me, if you dare," she said slowly. + +"I do nothing by halves," he said, and his voice sounded choked and +hoarse. "There is room for us both in the sea; I cannot help thee, +child,"--he spoke the last words dreamily, almost pitifully;--"but we +must both go down together--both at once--and now!" he shouted, and +snatched her in his arms. But at the same moment, he drew back his +right hand; the blood gushed out;--she had bitten him fiercely. + +"Ha! can I be made to do your bidding?" she cried, and thrust him from +her, with one sudden movement; "am I here in your power?" and she leapt +into the sea, and sank. + +She rose again directly; her scanty skirts, clung close; her long hair, +loosened by the waves, hung heavy about her neck, she struck out +valiantly, and, without uttering a sound, she began to swim steadily +from the boat towards the shore. + +With senses maimed by sudden terror, he stood, with outstretched neck, +looking after her; his eyes fixed, as though they had just been witness +to a miracle. Then, giving himself a shake, he pounced upon his oars, +and began rowing after her with all the strength he had, while all the +time, the bottom of the boat was reddening fast, with the blood that +kept streaming from his hand. + +Rapidly as she swam, he was at her side in a moment. "For the love of +our most Holy Virgin," he cried; "get into the boat!--I have been a +madman! God alone can tell what so suddenly darkened my brain. It came +upon me like a flash of lightning, and set me all on fire.--I knew not +what I did or said. I do not even ask you to forgive me, Laurella, only +to come into the boat again, and not to risk your life!" + +She swam on, as though she had not heard him. + +"You can never swim to land.--I tell you, it is two miles off.--Think +upon your mother! If you should come to grief, I should die of horror." + +She measured the distance with her eye, and then, without answering him +one word, she swam up to the boat, and laid her hands upon the edge; he +rose to help her in. As the boat tilted over to one side, with the +young girl's weight, his jacket that was lying on the bench, slipped +into the water. Agile as she was, she swung herself on board without +assistance, and gained her former seat; as soon as he saw that she was +safe, he took to his oars again, while she began quietly wringing out +her dripping clothes, and shaking the water from her hair. As her eyes +fell upon the bottom of the boat, and saw the blood, she gave a quick +look at the hand, which held the oar as if it had been unhurt. + +"Take this," she said; and held out her pocket-handkerchief. He shook +his head, and went on rowing. After a time, she rose, and stepping up +to him, she bound the handkerchief firmly round the wound, which was +very deep. Then, heedless of his endeavours to prevent her, she took an +oar, and seating herself opposite him, she began to row with steady +strokes, keeping her eyes from looking towards him;--fixed upon the oar +that was scarlet with his blood. Both were pale and silent; as they +drew near land, such fishermen as they met began shouting after +Antonio, and jibing at Laurella, but neither of them moved an eyelid, +or spoke one word. + +The sun stood yet high over Procida, when they, landed at the Marina. +Laurella shook out her petticoat, now nearly dry, and jumped on shore. +The old spinning woman, who, in the morning, had seen them start, was +still upon her terrace. She called down: "what is that upon your hand, +Tonino?--Jesus Christ!--the boat is full of blood!" + +"It is nothing, Commare;" the young fellow replied. "I tore my +hand against a nail that was sticking out too far, it will be well +to-morrow. It is only this confounded ready blood of mine, that always +makes a thing look worse than needful." + +"Let me come and bind it up, Comparello; stop one moment, I will go and +fetch the herbs, and come to you directly." + +"Never trouble yourself, Commare. It has been dressed already, +to-morrow morning it will be all over and forgotten. I have a healthy +skin, that heals directly." + +"Addio!" said Laurella, turning to the path that goes winding up the +cliffs. "Good night!" he answered, without looking at her; and then +taking his oars and baskets from the boat, and climbing up the small +stone stairs, he went into his own hut. + + +He was alone in his two little rooms, and began to pace them up and +down. Cooler than upon the dead calm sea, the breeze blew fresh through +the small unglazed windows, which were only to be closed with wooden +shutters. The solitude was soothing to him. He stopped before the +little image of the Virgin, devoutly gazing upon the glory round the +head (made of stars cut out in silver paper). But he did not want to +pray. What reason had he to pray, now that he had lost all he had ever +hoped for? + +And this day appeared to last for ever. He did so long for night! for +he was weary, and more exhausted by the loss of blood, than he would +have cared to own. His hand was very sore: seating himself upon a +little stool, he untied the handkerchief that bound it, the blood, so +long repressed, gushed out again; all round the wound the hand was +swollen high. + +He washed it carefully; cooling it in the water; then he clearly saw +the marks of Laurella's teeth. + +"She was right," he said--"I was a brute and deserved no better. I will +send her back the handkerchief by Giuseppe, to-morrow. Never shall she +set eyes on me again."--And he washed the handkerchief with greatest +care, and spread it out in the sun to dry. + +And having bound up his hand again, as well as he could manage with his +teeth and his left hand, he threw himself upon his bed, and closed his +eyes. + +He was soon waked up from a sort of slumber, by the rays of the bright +moonlight, and also by the pain of his hand; he had just risen for more +cold water to soothe its throbbings, when he heard the sound of some +one at his door; "Who is there?" he cried, and went to open it: +Laurella stood before him. + +She came in without a question, took off the handkerchief she had tied +over her head, and placed her little basket upon the table;--then she +drew a deep breath. + +"You are come to fetch your handkerchief," he said: "you need not have +taken that trouble. In the morning, I would have asked Giuseppe to take +it to you." + +"It is not the handkerchief;" she said, quickly; "I have been up among +the hills to gather herbs to stop the blood; see here." And she lifted +the lid of her little basket. + +"Too much trouble," he said not in bitterness;--"far too much trouble; +I am better, much better; but if I were worse, it would be no more +than I deserve. Why did you come at such a time? If anyone should see +you?--You know how they talk! Even when they don't know what they are +saying." + +"I care for no one's talk;" she said, passionately: "I came to see your +hand, and put the herbs upon it; you cannot do it with your left." + +"It is not worth while, I tell you." + +"Let me see it then, if I am to believe you." + +She took his hand, that was not able to prevent her, and unbound +the linen. When she saw the swelling, she shuddered, and gave a +cry:--"Jesus Maria!" + +"It is a little swollen," he said; "it will be over in four and twenty +hours." + +She shook her head. "It will certainly be a week, before you can go to +sea." + +"More likely a day or two, and if not, what matters?" + +She had fetched a bason, and began carefully washing out the wound, +which he suffered passively, like a child. She then laid on the healing +leaves, which at once relieved the burning pain, and finally bound it +up with the linen she had brought with her. + +When it was done; "I thank you," he said; "and now, if you would do me +one more kindness, forgive the madness that came over me; forget all I +said, and did. I cannot tell how it came to pass, certainly it was not +your fault; not yours. And never shall you hear from me again one word +to vex you." + +She interrupted him: "It is I who have to beg your pardon. I should +have spoken differently. I might have explained it better, and not +enraged you with my sullen ways. And now that bite!--" + +"It was in self-defence--it was high time to bring me to my senses. As +I said before, it is nothing at all to signify. Do not talk of being +forgiven, you only did me good, and I thank you for it; and now,--here +is your handkerchief; take it with you." + +He held it to her, but yet she lingered; hesitated, and appeared to +have some inward struggle--at length she said; "You have lost your +jacket, and by my fault; and I know that all the money for the oranges +was in it. I did not think of this till afterwards. I cannot replace +it now, we have not so much at home;--or if we had, it would be +mother's;--but this I have; this silver cross. That painter left it on +the table, the day he came for the last time--I have never looked at it +all this while, and do not care to keep it in my box; if you were to +sell it? It must be worth a few piastres, mother says. It might make up +the money you have lost; and if not quite, I could earn the rest by +spinning at night, when mother is asleep." + +"Nothing will make me take it;" he said shortly; pushing away the +bright new cross, which she had taken from her pocket. + +"You must," she said; "how can you tell how long your hand may keep you +from your work? There it lies; and nothing can make me so much as look +at it again." + +"Drop it in the sea, then." + +"It is no present I want to make you, it is no more than is your due, +it is only fair." + +"Nothing from you can be due to me, and hereafter when we chance to +meet, if you would do me a kindness, I beg you not to look my way. It +would make me feel you were thinking of what I have done. And now good +night, and let this be the last word said." + +She laid the handkerchief in the basket, and also the cross, and closed +the lid. But when he looked into her face, he started;--great heavy +drops were rolling down her cheeks; she let them flow unheeded. + +"Maria Santissima!" he cried. "Are you ill?--You are trembling from +head to foot!" + +"It is nothing," she said; "I must go home;" and with unsteady steps +she was moving to the door, when suddenly a passion of weeping overcame +her, and leaning her brow against the wall, she fell into a fit of +bitter sobbing. Before he could go to her, she turned upon him +suddenly, and fell upon his neck. + +"I cannot bear it," she cried, clinging to him as a dying thing to +life--"I cannot bear it, I cannot let you speak so kindly, and bid me +go, with all this on my conscience. Beat me! trample on me, curse me! +Or if it can be that you love me still, after all I have done to you, +take me and keep me, and do with me as you please; only do not send me +so away!"--She could say no more for sobbing. + +Speechless, he held her a while in his arms. "If I can love you still!" +he cried at last. "Holy mother of God! Do you think that all my best +heart's blood has gone from me, through that little wound? Don't you +hear it hammering now, as though it would burst my breast, and go to +you? But if you say this to try me, or because you pity me, I can +forget it--you are not to think you owe me this, because you know what +I have suffered for you." + +"No!" she said very resolutely, looking up from his shoulder, into his +face, with her tearful eyes; "it is because I love you;--and let me +tell you, it was because I always feared to love you, that I was so +cross. I will be so different now--I never could bear again to pass you +in the street, without one look! And lest you should ever feel a doubt, +I will kiss you, that you may say, 'she kissed me:' and Laurella kisses +no man but her husband." + +She kissed him thrice, and escaping from his arms: "And now good night, +amor mio, cara vita mia!" she said. "Lie down to sleep, and let your +hand get well. Do not come with me; I am afraid of no man, save of you +alone." + +And so she slipped out, and soon disappeared in the shadow of the wall. + +He remained standing by the window; gazing far out over the calm sea, +while all the stars in Heaven appeared to flit before his eyes. + + +The next time the little curato sat in his confessional, he sat smiling +to himself: Laurella had just risen from her knees after a very long +confession. + +"Who would have thought it?" he said musingly; "that the Lord would so +soon have taken pity upon that wayward little heart? And I had been +reproaching myself, for not having adjured more sternly that ill demon +of perversity. Our eyes are but shortsighted to see the ways of +Heaven!" + +"Well, may God bless her I say! and let me live to go to sea with +Laurella's eldest born, rowing me in his father's place! Ah! well, +indeed! L'Arrabiata!" + + + + + COUNT ERNEST'S HOME. + + + + + COUNT ERNEST'S HOME. + + +While I was at College, I chanced, one summer, to fall into habits of +frequent and intimate intercourse with a young man, whose intellectual +countenance and refinement of character never failed to exercise a +winning influence, even upon the most cursory of his acquaintance. + +I may call our connection intimate; for I was the only one of our +student set, whom he ever asked to go and see him, or himself +occasionally visited. But in our relations, there was nothing of that +wild, exuberant, often obtrusive kind of fraternizing, affected by our +studious youth. From that, we were as far, when we parted in the +autumn, as we had been on our first walk by the Rhine; when the same +road, and the same delight in the marvellous beauty of the spring +scenery before us had first introduced us to each other's notice. + +Even of his worldly circumstances, I had learned but little. I had +heard that he came of an ancient and noble house;--that his boyhood had +been passed at his father. Count ----'s castle, under the direction of +a French tutor, with whom he had then been sent to travel; and finally, +at his own express desire, to college. There, he had ascertained, what +he had long suspected; viz.: that in each and every branch of regular +instruction he was totally deficient--Upon which, straightway he shut +himself up with books and private tutors;--suffered the tumult of loose +Burschen-life to sweep by him, without once lifting his eyes from his +task;--and by the time I knew him, he had got so far as to rise every +morning with the Ethica of Aristotle, and to lie down, at night, with a +chorus of Euripides. + +Not a shade of pedantry;--not a taint of scholastic rust,--was left to +clog the free play of his mind, at the close of all those years of +sharp-set study.--Numbers of industrious people work, because they do +not know how to live. But his life was in his work;--he took science in +its plenitude, with all his faculties at once. He acknowledged no +intellectual gain, that did not tend to elevate his character, or stood +at variance with his mental instincts. + +In this sense, his was, perhaps, the most ideal nature I ever knew; if +the term be not abused, as it too often is, to mean a vapid kind of +beauty worship, and a sentimental distaste for rough realities; but +used in its loftier, and certainly far rarer sense: an ideal standard +of human character, resolutely upheld, and steadily pursued; with +undaunted spirit, if with moderate expectations; and at whatever +sacrifice of present brilliance and success, a thorough contempt of +cram, as well as of every other form of professional narrow mindedness. + +It is quite conceivable therefore, that the coarser kind of student +pleasures could not prove ensnaring to this young hermit, whose +seclusion came to be interpreted as aristocratic prejudice, from which +no man could be more free. Education may have done something to confirm +his natural aversion to all that was coarse, excessive, or impure. But +as his scrupulous personal cleanliness was innate, so also was his +almost maidenly delicacy in matters of morality. Never have I met such +firmness of resolve, never so much masculine energy of intellect, +united to so girlish a reluctance to talk of love and love affairs. +Consequently, he kept aloof from all those clamorous carouses, where, +amidst the fumes of liquor and tobacco, liberty and patriotism, love +and friendship, God and immortality, are in their turns, discussed on +the same broad basis of easy joviality as the last ball, or the newest +cut of College cap. Even in a tete a tete, where he could so eloquently +hold forth on any scientific problem, he very rarely touched on +questions dealing with the most private and personal interests of man. +History, diplomacy, politics, or the classics, were subjects he would +discuss with passionate eagerness. Then he could wax as warm and fluent +in debate, as though he were addressing a listening nation he would +have won to some great purpose. To things of common life, he rarely +referred. Of his own family, I never heard him speak. His father, he +mentioned only once. + +One evening, when I went to ask him whether he would join me in a row +upon the river;--in one of those excursions of which he was so fond, +when we used to take a little boat to a tavern a mile or two below the +town, and, after a frugal meal, to walk home by starlight;--I found him +just as he had thrown aside his pen, and was struggling with the +resolution necessary to dress for an evening party. + +"Pity me!" he cried, as I came in; "only look at that magnificent +sunset, and imagine that I am doomed to turn my back upon it, and to go +where I shall see no other midnight splendour but that of the stars on +dress-coats!" + +And he mentioned one of the most distinguished houses in the town, +where a party was to be given in honor of some passing diplomate. + +"And must you?"--I asked, with sincerest sympathy. For all our +intimacy, we had never come to saying thou.-- + +"I must," he sighed; "my father, who has set his heart on making a +diplomate of me, whether I will or no, would be indignant if I were to +go home without being able to inform him, whether the suppers at Baron +N.'s are still such as to justify their European reputation. Hitherto, +I have been so culpable as to ignore them, and now, at the last, I have +to fill up these blanks in my course of study." + +He saw me smile, and hastily added: "My father, you must know, has, if +possible, a still more uncivil opinion than I have of the liveried +nonentities that stop the way in that kind of society; only what he +finds wanting in them, is not what I do.--He is of the old school; a +diplomate of the Empire. He has seen the world in flames, and cannot +forget the demoniac light by which he then saw all things, good and +bad; fair and foul; high and low. Now the world is quiet, and regular +enough; but sleepy, tame, and colorless. At least he thinks so. Still +it is the world, and he who would rule in his generation, must make +himself acquainted with his subjects. He gave me very few maxims to +take away with me, when I came here; but this one, certainly with fifty +variations, 'Read men more than books.'--'When I was at your age,' he +used to say, 'books played a very subordinate part in the world. I have +known many a clever man, who from the time he entered into society +never read a line save the newest novel, or the latest war-bulletin, +and never wrote a syllable, except in love-letters or dispatches. He +had all the more time to act, or, if necessary, to think;--and when is +it _not_ necessary to think? But learning, book-learning! _we_ never +thought of such a thing, and yet, we knew everything, of course.--It +was in the air; and where, now-a-days, you very soon get to the end of +your Latin, our French took us a good way farther.' + +"So I considered that as settled, and more than once I have girded up +my loins, to go and read these men, and study them. But after the first +few pages, I generally found out that their titles were the most +important part about them. Either I am a stupid reader; (a 'kind +reader', I know I am _not_!), or else the great world of the present +day really is a most insipid study." + +His carriage came to the door, and I went away, for I had often noticed +that it embarrassed him, when any one was present while he was +dressing. + +At a later hour, as I chanced to pass the house where the aristocracy +of ---- was to be assembled, I saw him getting out of the carriage; we +exchanged a short look with a shade of irony; and then he went slowly +up the carpetted steps, and I looked after him, while I felt proud of +his knightly bearing, and of the grace of his stalwart figure. + +He could be dangerous to womankind, as I had heard from several +sources. They even told a story of a distinguished Englishwoman, who, +after divers attempts to win him, attempts as fruitless as unequivocal, +had at last gone off in rage and undisguised despair, after having +wrung her parrot's neck, for screaming from the window, day and night, +the name of the coy young count. + +I was not able to learn more of this, nor of any other of his +adventures; he carefully avoided any conversation about women; still, +nothing he ever said could have led me to assume that he thought meanly +of them, or that he was suffering from any hidden wound, of which he +could not bear the probing. + +Judging by the whole tenor of his conduct, I decided, that, striving as +he did, at aims so serious, he found no time for trifling flirtations, +and never had been touched by a deeper feeling. His mother had died +very soon after the birth of her first-born son, but he would +occasionally receive letters, addressed in a feminine hand, and he told +me they came from an old nurse of his, who had been as a second mother +to him. She was evidently very dear to him; but even of her he spoke +but little; eager discussions upon his own studies, or on mine, were +ever burning on his lips. + +He was several years in advance of me, and when we parted in the +autumn, he went to pass his diplomatic examination at Berlin. We bid +each other a very affectionate farewell, without much hope of +continuous intercourse;--we knew that what we had hitherto exchanged, +no correspondence could have replaced. But we were young, and we parted +in the confident hope that life and its chances must, in some way or +other, bring us together again. + +For many a long year, I heard nothing of him but his name; the last I +learned was from a newspaper, which stated that Count Ernest ---- had +been appointed secretary of Legation at Stockholm. Again a long time +elapsed, without the smallest tidings of him, and I confess that his +image had considerably faded in my memory, when it chanced, that, on a +pedestrian tour, I suddenly lit upon his name, printed upon a road-post +that pointed to a deep lane, all overgrown with brushwood, cutting at +right angles the road which I had taken. I stopped, and, as if by a +magician's wand, the country round me seemed metamorphosed. + +Again the Rhine was rolling at my feet, and again I saw his straight +lithe figure, as he walked along, holding his hat in his hand, and +letting the fresh breeze from the current play among his luxuriant hair +of reddish gold; and those fine eyes of his, so full of thought, gazing +over the river towards the mountains, until my voice would rouse him +from his musings. This visionary play of memory lasted but a moment, +and then an incontrollable desire came over me to look upon that face +once more, and abundantly to make up for what I had lost so long. + +It was early in the afternoon; I hoped that I should not mistake the +road, and never doubted but that at this autumn season, I should find +my friend at home; he was an eager sportsman, and had spoken far +oftener of the trees, than of the persons he had known from childhood. + +I may have followed this ravine for about an hour, when it suddenly +occurred to me as strange, that the road should be so neglected and +overgrown; it was evident that no sort of carriage could possibly have +passed this way for years. The foliage of past autumns lay mouldering +in deep crevices;--here and there, a fragment of rock, or rotten +branch, had been hurled from the edge by the winter storms; only in the +firmest parts of the ground, were occasional tracks of human passage. I +sent my doubts to sleep, with the supposition, that long before this, +some other and more level road, must have been made between the castle +and the plain. And yet, on entering the ravine, I had certainly +ascertained that no nearer way was possible, from the little +manufacturing town I had left behind. At the summit of the pass, where +half a dozen neglected paths diverged, I stopped, in real perplexity. I +climbed up a wide armed beech-tree, and looked all round me. + +A deep circular hollow lay before me, almost like a lake, filled with +lovely bright green waves of densest foliage. It was a vast forest of +old beech-trees. Just in the centre rose the turrets of the castle, +over which the wilderness seemed to close. + +It was like a fairy tale, to see the spires and weather-cocks +glittering in the bright autumn sun; as in those stories of sunken +castles, which shew their pinnacles on some clear day, peeping from the +hidden depths of water. There was not a sound of human life; the +woodpecker tapped monotonously against the trees;--a careless deer ran +past me, with more surprise than terror;--while swarms of audacious +squirrels, among the branches, were aiming at the intruder, with the +empty husks of beechnuts. + +I was on the point of giving it up, when, with a sharper look at the +enchanted castle, I saw a thin thread of smoke, to inform me that it +could not exclusively be harbouring hobgoblins. + +That the owner had not been here for ages, might, with some degree of +certainty, be surmised; but some sort of castellan or game-keeper might +be there, and from him, I hoped to hear some tidings of my friend and +his welfare, and at least to spend a night in a home which he had loved +with all his heart. + +I took one of these downward paths at a venture, and soon plunged into +the strangest, darkest night of wood that ever stirred above a +wanderer's head. + +And in the night come dreams;--and these soon wove a spell about me, +and I quite forgot whence I had come, and whither I was going, and +blindly left my legs to guide me, as they stepped uniformly on, until +they came to an involuntary halt, at a broad stream, where not a trace +of path could be discerned; the trees stood thick, interlacing their +branches with the brushwood, and forming an impenetrable barrier. I +immediately turned back, and walked steadily upwards, until a path to +the right again seduced me; then I tried another downwards, went astray +again, and so went wandering on for hours, making the whole round of +the valley, without catching a single glimpse of the castle peeping +through the thickets. The moon was already shining upon the tree tops, +and I made up my mind to pass the night in the airiest of lodgings. + +Suddenly, when I least expected it, the brushwood opened, and there, +like an island in the midst of a lake of verdure, the old grey building +stood square before me, with countless glassless windows, but without +one trace of human habitation. A broad stone-bridge across the dried-up +moat, reached right into the dark court, from which the three square +wings of the building rose ponderous and unadorned. Not a balcony, nor +jutting window, was there to relieve the stern monotony of the walls; +nothing but a gigantic coat of arms hewn in stone above the gateway, in +which I recognised the bearings of a well-remembered signet ring. + +Nearer to the roof, the castle wore a gayer aspect the copper-plates +about the gables shone mildly in the moonbeams, and the numerous +chimney tops with weathercocks and flagstaffs, seemed all spangled over +with silver. Nowhere a light; nor a window opened to the evening air; +even the smoke I had seen upon the roof was gone. + +As I stood upon the bridge, and looked upon the rank vegetation, which, +struggling upwards, was choking up the moat; and then at the forest +pressing onwards to the very threshold of the castle, the thought would +force itself upon me, that in fifty years or so, all this vast work of +human hands would be destroyed and overcome by the exuberance of +nature; that these tall beeches would thrust their branches into the +deserted halls; would take possession of the court, and sink their +roots deep into the vaulted cellars; till, stone by stone, the whole +fabric would give way, and again the forest reign alone. + +I entered the court-yard; and where the long grass that grew in the +chinks between the paving stones, muffled the echo of my steps, I began +to be sensible of a strange sound, proceeding from a small building +that had been patched on beside the bridge; at first, I took it for the +jarring of a shutter shaken by the wind; and then I thought, that noise +could only be produced by some vigorous deep-bass snoring. I saw a +light at one small window, and stole up to it to peep in. In a low +room, two men were seated at a table, with bottles and half emptied +glasses before them, and a pack of cards. One of them, huddled into a +corner, had fallen asleep. The other sat leaning on his elbows, staring +into the light with sleepy swimming eyes, a short pipe between his +teeth. Now and then, he caught a fly, and burned it at the candle, and +hardly turned his head when he heard me at the window-pane. + +"What's the matter now?"--he called, in a voice worn and hollowed out +by drunkenness,--"bid the Mamsell[1] send our supper, the devil take +her!" + +Before I could speak, I heard another and a more gentle voice, calling +to me across the court: "Who is there?--is a stranger there?" I turned, +and at the chief entrance I saw a female figure standing, whom, by the +huge bunch of keys she carried at her girdle, I could not err in taking +for the housekeeper. She was dressed all in black; all but a tremendous +cap, of which the broad bright ribbons fluttered oddly about her +delicate faded face. + +Taking off my hat to her, I enquired, as politely as I could, while I +drew near, whether this really was the castle of Count Ernest ----, and +despite the deserted look, whether he might not chance to be at home? I +wished to be announced to him as an old friend, although, to be sure, +we had not met for years. + +The old lady stood looking at me for awhile, with a melancholy +searching gaze, and then she said: "This certainly is the castle of the +Counts of ----; but my master, whom you seek, you will not find. It is +two years since Count Ernest took leave of this place for ever. Perhaps +you are not aware that he is settled in Sweden? It is true," she added, +after a pause, "the world is very different to these woods; things that +will keep sounding in my ears all my lifetime, may be scarcely heard +out there. But will you not come in? You cannot leave this place +to-night, and you must be so kind as to put up with the little we have +to offer. It used to be very different; in our hospitable days, guests +used to be glad to stay a week. Since the castle has been kept in trust +for the two little counts, all has gone to ruin. You have seen, +yourself, Sir, the sinful way in which the Forester and Monsieur Pierre +kill the time. They clean out nothing but the cellars; and when I say a +word of what is needful to be done, the villains turn upon their heels, +and I might as well have spoken to the walls. I myself am old, and my +eyes get worse and worse, so that I can hardly see to cleanliness and +order as I should do. But pray, come in, Sir, and take a bite of +something, and talk to me of my dear Count Ernest, of whom now I can +only talk to empty rooms and pictures. Your visit will be the greatest +favor you can do me." + +I still stood on the steps before the great arched door, and felt +strangely moved. This old woman's thin quavering voice, and the weary +blue eyes with which she looked so sadly on me, increased the +dreariness of the place and sharpened the recollections that came +crowding over me. + +"You are Mamsell Flor," I said, at last; "from whom my friend used to +get letters when he was at college; he appeared to be very much +attached to you." + +At these words her eyes overflowed at once. "Come," she said, and +stretched out a slim withered hand; "I see you know me--we are old +friends. I have been sadly wanting to see some kind and sympathizing +face, once more before I die. It is a long while to have lived only +among servants, for indeed I have been used to better company." + +She led me across the dark entrance-hall, and through a vaulted passage +to a great hall, dimly lighted by a few candles. Two farm-servants and +a maid were seated at a heavy stone table, supping, who stared +astonished, when they heard a strange voice wishing them good evening. +My companion gave a few whispered orders to the maid, and turned to me +again. + +"The provisions we have in the house are but poor," she said; +"everything we want has to be carried for miles through the woods; and +I myself require so little. But for one night, Sir, you will not mind +bad cookery. This hall, you see, was once a chapel, in old times, when +the counts were Catholic; it was then left some time to dust and ruin, +until at last Count Henry, our Count Ernest's father, had the altar, +the benches, and the pictures taken away, and an eating room arranged. +You can still see the niche for the choristers over there, where the +floor is raised and boarded. That is the master's table, at which Count +Henry used to sup all his life, with the officials about the place--the +steward, the forester, and the castellan, (not Monsieur Pierre then), +and the bailiff; and at this stone table I supped with the servants; we +had crowds of them then. We never spoke a word, and the count seldom +asked a question. When he had company staying with him, the table was +laid upstairs in the great saloon, as it always was at dinner, when he +dined with the countess. I will just light this candelabrum on the +master's table; who knows whether I shall live to see it lighted +again?" + +She placed a heavy five-branched candelabrum of massive silver on the +table, which she had laid with a snow-white damask cloth, and shortly +after, a supper was served up, that might have been far more frugal +still, to appear excellent after my long wanderings. Whilst I ate and +drank, the old lady disappeared, and left me to my meditations. The men +were already gone. I looked up into a twilight depth of desert space, +broken by a few tall pointed windows, through which the moonbeams fell. +The cross-vaults of the ceiling were supported by square pillars, +fretted all over with antlers; and the same ornament was placed at +regular intervals along the walls, with a small tablet under each, +recording the date of the shot, and the name of the shooter. What +changes had the world not seen, from the days when the first high mass +was celebrated here, to the present evening, when a stranger sits alone +at a deserted table, counting these dust-worn trophies! I took the +candelabrum to light myself along while I went reading the names on the +little tablets, reaching about two centuries back. + +Counts, and princes, and princely prelates; even a few highborn dames +had been pleased to immortalize their luck. Presently I came to a +well-known name, beneath a stately antler of fourteen: + +"On the 20th of September, Count Ernest shot this mighty stag, (who +numbers as many antlers as the young count years,) in the glade by the +deer's drought; Anno Domini 183--." + +Heavy steps now came sounding along the passages, and two men made +their boisterous entrance. + +I immediately recognised the respectable pair of the watch-tower by the +bridge. The farm-servants may have told them that there was a stranger +in the house, and they had shaken themselves out of their drunken sleep, +and come to assert their rights as guardians and watchmen. The +castellan, Monsieur Pierre, blinking on me with his small yellow much +inflamed eyes, measured me from head to foot, with a very comical +combination of sleepiness and impudence. He stammered out a few words +in a hoarse coarse voice, in very indifferent French, but he was soon +talked down by his companion, who walked straight up to me, and in the +most brutal tone of official zeal, enquired who I was, and what I +wanted? + +I drily answered, that I was a friend of Count Ernest's, and had come +to see the castle. Upon which straightway a change came over the spirit +of the pair. The castellan commenced a series of crouching cat-like +obeisances, while the forester contrived to hit on the happiest +transition from the most insolent aggressiveness to the respectful +bluntness of the honest woodman. I perceived that I was taken for a far +more important personage than I was--for an emissary--(no less!)--from +the family, come to hold an impromptu inspection of the castle and its +condition. The forester, officiously relieving me from the candlestick, +forced me into a seat again, and sent a man to the cellar, for a bottle +of the best and oldest; while, with a sly kick, or a smothered +imprecation, he made an occasional attempt to awaken his drowsy +colleague to the full gravity of the situation. However I did not care +to be initiated into the details of the administration of woods and +buildings, and I felt so much disgusted with the voluble servility of +this precious pair of rogues, that I broke off suddenly, as soon as the +old lady returned to the hall, and excusing myself with the natural +fatigue of a pedestrian, I begged her to light me to my room. + +She cast a look of meaning on the two, who were hardly to be prevented +from following us upstairs. + +"Did you see the face Monsieur Pierre made at me, sir? and how the +forester took up his knife? Of course they are afraid that I should +tell of them. Good Lord! as if one could not see with half an eye the +state the place is in! I did once write about it to Sweden; but Sweden +is a long way off; too long, it would appear, for things to be remedied +in this castle. When one has seen it in better days, one feels the worm +that eats through wood and silk, gnawing at one's very heart, Sir!" + +"It is high to climb;" she apologised, as we came to the third steep +flight of stairs, "but I thought I would put you here, as you might +like to sleep in the rooms in which Count Ernest grew up to be the man +he is, and which he always preferred to any others. And they are more +comfortable too, for I look after them myself, and carefully dust out +every corner. And to-morrow morning, when you awake, you can see his +favorite tree by the window; it has grown up so high meanwhile, that by +reaching out your hand you can lay hold of it. Ah, and well a day! when +we live to be so old, we live to see many a young child, and many a +young tree, grow up and reach to Heaven, and leave us wearily to climb +after them!" + +With these words, we came to the top, where a long low corridor ran +past a range of garret rooms, hardly above man's height. A covey of +newly fledged bats, scared by the light, were flapping about against +the ceiling. "There must be a hole somewhere in the roof;" said the old +lady looking up, with a shake of her head; "I have told the man to mend +it ten times and more. But he always pretends he can find no hole, and +thus it is with every thing." + +She opened a door, and shewed me into a large low room, where a light +was burning on a chiffonier, and where the atmosphere was purer and +more lifelike than without. + +"Here we are;" she said. "Here he lived until he went on his travels +with Monsieur Leclerc, and then again before he went to college; and +also the last time he was here. Everything is just as it used to be. +That faded tapestry with the great hunting pieces may have faded a +trifle more; and the writing-table there, with the brass mountings, by +the window--the wood-worm is making sad havoc of it. Every time I come, +I find above an inch of yellow dust to sweep away. That is his own +pretty blue water-bottle; and the gilded glass was a present from his +tutor. I worked that little rug before the bed, to give him when he was +confirmed, and he never would allow it to be removed, long after the +work was quite worn away. The bed is not his; I took his down stairs;" +and, with a faint flush, that brought back a touching tint of youth to +her refined old face, she added: "in that I sleep myself." + +"Indeed, my dear Mamsell Flor," I said; "and he was worthy of being +loved by a heart so faithful. He bore the stamp of his most ingenuous +soul so clearly upon his noble brow, that even those who merely saw him +pass, could not choose but believe all good of him. By the time I knew +him he had become reserved; but what must he have been to you, who +reared him from his birth, and were to him as a mother! What happened +to make him give up this place, and leave a home for ever, that used to +be so dear to him?" + +She shook her head sadly, and sat down upon the sofa, as if the weight +of all these rushing memories at once, were too heavy to be borne +standing. She remained a while absorbed in thought; and then at last, +taking an agate snuffbox from her pocket, she strengthened herself with +a pinch, before she answered. + +"It is a strange story, Sir, which nobody can tell so well as I can; +and I may tell it now, that the grass is growing over many a younger +head than this old foolish one of mine. It will be nine-and-forty years +at Christmas, since I went up these stairs for the first time. I was +the schoolmaster's daughter, a silly green young thing, and I thought I +was being taken straight to Heaven, when our gracious Countess first +took me into her service as a waiting maid. The young Count was not +born then, nor ever likely to be: there was little love between my +master and my mistress. To be sure my lady would always have been +willing to worship him, for all he did to vex her. But they were an +illmatched pair; and when Count Henry, who was almost always travelling +about, came home in Autumn for the shooting-season, he managed to make +his pretty patient wife still more unhappy than when he was away. + +"I had not been two days in the castle, before I knew that my lady was +suffering from some sore trouble; I used to find her pillow wet of +mornings, and her eyes all swollen with crying. + +"For you see, Sir, the count was a gentleman who had a quick temper and +a wild way of his own, and the countess was meekness itself; she was +too quiet for him, and he soon wearied of her.--I suppose he had only +married her to please his father; some wilful, imperious, dark-eyed +lady would have done better for him; some Frenchwoman, or Spaniard, +such as often came to visit at the castle; who would have kept him at +his wits' end, and made him hate her mortally to-day, and love her +desperately to-morrow. He only loved what gave him trouble; he rode the +wildest horses, and shot the biggest stags. + +"Our countess loved him far too well, and that was her misfortune--and +our young count was exactly like her, and that was his. Only she was +small-made and delicate, and had a voice like the clearest bell. When +at last, after many long years of waiting, she had hopes of being a +mother, she looked like some fair angel; her joy was shining so +peacefully in her eyes! And the count seemed kinder, and even stayed +here all the summer, to be present at the baby's birth. When the nurse +brought it to him, so small and weakly looking, with its little yellow +down upon its head, he said nothing, but put it back into its cradle, +and left the room without a word. + +"I saw that my lady was deeply hurt, and I felt so angry, that I could +not keep from saying, half to myself; 'Boys don't come into the world +on horseback!' But I repented directly, for my lady heard me, and sent +me out of the room. A week after this, she died. + +"It was I who had to go and tell my master. He was sitting at the +piano, which he played, oh, so beautifully! I could have listened to +him for ever. It was early in the morning: he had watched through the +night in my lady's ante-chamber, and as she seemed to be rather better, +he had just gone upstairs; only instead of going to bed, he sat down to +play, and, while he was playing, she died. He shut down the piano, +without changing one feature of his face, and went down stairs to look +at his dead wife with the same proud step he always had; and in the +outer room, where our little master lay asleep in his cradle, he passed +the poor babe as though it were only a dead image, as its poor mother +was. When he came out again, he said to me: + +"'A wet-nurse must be found,' he said; 'meantime, Flor, I give +the child in charge to you. I hold you responsible for every proper +care.--' + +"And then he ordered his favorite horse, and rode away, and did not +come home till evening. + +"Three days after this, they buried our countess in the cemetery of the +town. The count went with the funeral on horseback. And I could not +help thinking--God forgive me!--there he goes, prancing away like any +conqueror, with his poor victim carried after him for his triumph. + +"When the ceremony was over, and all the servants were assembled, +eating their funeral feast in silence, and I was alone upstairs, +sitting by the little one's cradle, and crying while I was singing him +to sleep, in comes my master, stares at the babe a while, and says: + +"'They had to send the nurse away, I hear;--the child would not take to +her at all?'--'No, Sir, he wouldn't.' + +"'It will be hard to find another one to suit, in that little hole of a +place. Do you think you could undertake to bring up the child yourself +by hand, with milk and water, as they do in France? You are a person I +can depend upon--I had rather leave the child to you, than to twenty +wet-nurses.' + +"I burst out crying, and took my master's hand and kissed it; for when +he pleased, he had a way with him, and a voice, that could turn the +heart of his bitterest enemies. 'It is well;' he said, and drew away +his hand: 'I shall be some time away; you will write to me twice a year +about the boy, and I shall give orders that no one shall interfere with +you.' That same day he left the castle, and for many a long year we saw +no more of him. + +"I will not weary you, Sir, by telling everything--how my little master +grew up to be a great boy;--although I remember it all as if it were +only yesterday;--and many's the lonesome hour I spend thinking over the +past, from the first tooth he cut, to the first bird he shot with his +little gun. And when I watched him playing in the court with the dogs, +or looked after him when he rode out on the bailiff's horse, every +muscle as firm and supple as a steel spring, and then that sweet face +of his, and that dear little voice--I used to wonder at his father, who +could go wandering about in foreign parts, rather than see his child +grow up. To be sure, the boy did not take after him at all, except in +his love for horses, and field sports.--For the rest, he was just his +mother over again, both in face and temper. And so, when his father +came and saw him at ten years old, he frowned, and looked as coldly on +him as on a stranger. At night my darling asked me: 'Is Papa always so +grave-looking, Flor?' And of course, I could not tell him how it was. + +"However, by-and-by, things began to mend. The Count came every autumn +for the shooting season, and grew quite paternal with our boy;--kind or +affectionate he never was. I cannot call to mind that he ever kissed +him, or even so much as stroked his cheek. + +"But he gave him, on his thirteenth birthday, a small dun pony, with a +bushy mane like a thick clothes-brush, and a pretty saddle; and then +Count Ernest was taken to ride out with his papa, away through the +forests, for whole days, and often to pay visits in the neighbourhood, +where the great folks were always pleased to see the boy. Nobody ever +dared to say how like his mother he was, for that always vexed the +count; in general the countess was never spoken of, and the full length +picture of her was hung in a room that was never used. Only her son +would go into it now and then; and loved it well!--He often made me +talk about his mother. But do you know, Sir, even then he had the sense +to see that it was wisest not to mention her to his father. He had +found out that even Death had failed to make her dearer to him. And +then, he may have seen that it was just the proudest and wildest among +the beauties of the neighbourhood, (and there were several then) who +attracted his father most. The count amused himself with them all, and +was a very different man to what he was at home. And the boy could not +make these doings suit with what he had heard of his mother. + +"'Poor child!' I thought; 'Pray Heaven you may not get a stepmother who +may suit your father better!' + +"However, that did not seem to be so likely, and by-and-by, it came to +be rumoured, that the count never intended to marry again at all. He +had his loves in Paris, where he always spent the winter, and would not +give them up. Of course, Count Ernest never heard a word of this; he +was as innocent as any girl could be; and not even that horrid +creature, Monsieur Pierre,--who was then the count's own man, and used +to think it a good joke to make an honest woman blush by his loose +talk,--even he would affect propriety before the boy. + +"A sly fox he was, and knew how to accommodate himself to every one. +For the rest, he was a country lad from these parts, and his name was +Peter; but after he had been to Paris we never ventured to hint at +that. He went every where with the count, and was indispensable to +him--He was terribly afraid of him, and worshipped him as a god;--but +he robbed him always. + +"And now just fancy, Sir!--when our young master was about twelve years +old, the count had almost determined on giving him this wretch as a +sort of tutor, and asked me what I thought of it? The boy must first +learn French, he said, before he began his other studies. I felt as +shocked as though he had thought of poisoning the child; and so I took +heart and spoke up, and told my master plainly what I thought of +Monsieur Pierre, and I said I had rather lose my place than stay to see +such disgraceful doings. + +"The count let me have my say, and was not a bit angry. He only +motioned me to go, and never said another word about the matter. But +when he came home in the following September, he brought a stranger +with him, whom he presented to us as our young master's tutor. We +called him Mr. Leclerc, though that was not his real name; he was a +nobleman in needy circumstances, who had been glad to find a decent +living--otherwise a harmless gentleman enough, who, to the very last +day of his life, never could learn one word of German, so that we, all +of us, soon picked up enough French to speak it fairly.-- + +"He had some little talents, which he used to teach the young count; +such as, dancing, fencing, and playing the flute; and then they read +some books together; but Master Ernest once told me with a laugh, that +before they had read three pages, Monsieur Leclerc would fall asleep, +and leave him to read, on to himself till the great clock struck, when +he would wake up with a start, and shake the powder from his sleeve, +which he had sprinkled over with it while he was nodding, and say; 'Eh! +bien, c'est ca!' and then he would fall asleep again. One thing he used +to be very busy with; and that was a knack he had, of modelling little +figures in pink wax; and he would paint them and varnish them so +prettily that they really looked like life--little marquises and +viscounts. He had a whole court of them, and would make them dance +menuets, while a sweet little queen was sitting on a throne, looking +on. Afterwards I heard from Count Ernest that he had taken into his +head that Marie Antoinette had been in love with him; he was as old as +that, although he used to go tripping about like any dancing master. + +"But here I am, running on, sir, telling you all this nonsense, and you +wanting to go to sleep!--Yes, when once I begin, I can find no end; and +indeed there is not a chair in the castle but could tell ever so long a +story of its own. + +"Just there, where you are sitting now, sir, I stood one morning, and +Master Ernest was sitting here on this very sofa; he had been at a ball +for the first time. It had been given at X by the small officials and +chief burghers. He was just sixteen--and quite grown up, although he +was slighter than when you knew him. 'Well Count Ernest,' I said; 'and +how did you like it? Were there any pretty girls? And whom did you +dance with? And who got your posy at the cotillion?' + +"'Flor;' he said; he always called me Flor, and I was also the only +person, until he married, to whom he ever used the 'thou'--'Flor, it +was all very pleasant; and one there was most pleasant--' + +"His eyes were sparkling, and he looked at me in a kind of shy pretty +way I had never seen in him before--he even blushed a little. + +"'Come come;' I said, 'Master Ernest, you make me curious--was it one +of the young ladies who had been invited, or one of the townspeople's +daughters?' + +"'I am not going to betray myself any farther, Flor;' he said; 'but she +was very pretty and very wise, and talked so pleasantly, I only wish we +were going to have another ball to-night!' + +"'Why, that sounds quite alarming, Master Ernest,' I said, and +laughed--'to stay up all night dancing and go riding all the morning, +and then to want more dancing! Our gracious count will be quite +pleased! And is this really to be your last word, and all your faithful +Flor is to be allowed to hear?' + +"'My very last word, Flor; it is my own secret, and I mean to keep it.' + +"'I must get hold of Mr. Leclerc, then;' I said, he will be able to +tell me who you danced with oftenest.' + +"'Try him, Flor:' cried the naughty boy; and laughed; 'all my +partners were the same to him; only--"jeunes Allemandes, jolies +bourgeoises!"--he looked after my pas, and never minded where my eyes +went; besides, he played ecarte all the evening with the director of +the saltworks. Ah! Flor, I never thought there could be such sweet eyes +in the world; I used to think that your two were the sweetest!' + +"You see, sir, this was what I got for all my pains and my anxiety! + +"But this merry mood of his did not last. Next day he grew quiet and +thoughtful, avoided all my questions, and shut himself up in his room +at an unusually early hour; and then I heard him playing the flute for +ever so long after. He could not get this girl out of his head--I saw +that. At first he had felt no more than a pleasant smart, as it were, +and could joke about it; but the fever followed. He could not hold out +four-and-twenty hours, but he ordered his horse and rode out alone, +returning at night quite cast down. It was plain that he had not seen +his flame, and had been too shy to find her out and pay her a visit. +And so he rode to X several times over, with more or less good luck. +One night, when his heart was full, he could not refrain from telling +me his adventure, as I was lighting him upstairs to bed. His face was +radiant; but Good Lord! to any other man, it would not have been worth +the telling; Count Henry would only have said, 'Pshaw!'--but to him it +was a rare delight. Just at the gates he had met her, out walking with +two of her young companions, and all three of them had roses in their +hands. Just as he rode by, and bowed, his horse had given a jump, and +the young lady had been so startled that she dropped a rose: 'I saw +it,' said Master Ernest, 'and in a moment I was out of my saddle, and +had picked it up and given it her; and she thanked me very kindly, and +walked away towards the woods.'" + +"'And you rode on, and the lady did not even give you a rose for your +reward? Any other man would have picked up the flower, and stuck it in +his buttonhole, and galloped off in triumph.' + +"He looked at me, and seemed quite struck; 'Flor,' says he; 'I do +believe you know more of these things than I, although you are a +woman.' + +"'More likely, _because_ I am a woman. Master Ernest,' I said. 'Well, +well, I see, the young lady is badly off for mother-wit, or else she +can't abide you.' + +"Of course I was only joking; for how could I think the girl existed +who would not like him? But for all that, it made him silent, and I saw +that he really thought she did dislike him. + +"Only once again did he ride over to X, and after that he stayed at +home, and was quite downhearted; he spoke to nobody, but sat in his +room writing--verses, as I believe,--and played the flute, and pined +away so, that when Count Henry came back, he was quite angry about his +looks, and scolded him, and told him he did not take exercise enough, +and he asked me if Count Ernest had been ailing? That he had a +heartache I did not like to say--he never would have forgiven me, and +Count Henry would have laughed. At last it was decided that our young +count was to travel for a time with Mr. Leclerc, and both of them +seemed to like the plan. 'Flor,' said my boy, 'it is well that I leave +this place. Life is become wearisome to me.' + +"'God bless you, my dearest boy,' I said; 'the world is so beautiful, +they say, that I suppose one can't long be sad in travelling.' + +"He looked at me with an unbelieving smile; but afterwards he wrote to +me from Vienna, that he was well, and often thought of me. God knows! I +thought of him, day and night. + +"I did not get a sight of him again for three long years, and when he +wrote to me from the great cities where he went to court, among all the +fine folks--he will get properly spoiled, I thought, as befits his +rank. I shall not know him again. But just the contrary; when he came +back at last in his twentieth year, without Mr. Leclerc, who had died +in Russia of the climate, the very first word he spoke: 'Flor,' says +he, 'and how is Miss Mimi?'--That was a cat I had, Sir, of whom he used +to be almost jealous, as a child. + +"'Returns thanks for kind enquiries. Master Ernest,' I said; 'she has +just kittened, and will be delighted, as we all are, to see your honour +back again.' + +"'I am afraid it is a delight that won't last long, Flor,' he said; and +at night, when I was lighting him to bed, as I always did, he told me +all about it; how he had done his father's bidding, and been to see the +great world, and he had seen enough of it to find it terribly tedious; +and now he had had some trouble in carrying his point, which was to go +and study alone for a year or two. 'It was a shame,' he said, 'the +confusion that was in his brain.' I could only stare at this, for to me +he seemed a man in all things, and cleverer, I thought, it was not +possible to be, when I heard him talk with others. But he knew best, of +course, and I did not contradict him then; for there were other things +I was more curious to know. I asked him about the life he had been +leading, and whether the fine ladies he had been dancing with, were +handsomer than the daughters of our townspeople? And look you, Sir, at +this, he turned as red as a boy;--he, the accomplished fine-grown +gentleman, who had just come from living among the fine folks;--and he +only said: 'Some perhaps, not many;' and so I saw that old love does +not always rust. The very next day he rode over to the town; I suppose +to make enquiries, and find out whether she were still unmarried. Of +course, I did not know, for I had never heard who she was. When he came +back, in the evening, he looked very grave. 'It is all over,' I said to +myself, 'and all the better that it is so; what could have ever come of +it?' + +"Between him and his father things were no better than they used to be. +When I helped to wait at table, I saw that the count was always ready +for a quarrel with his son, who could never say or do a single thing to +please him. He seemed provoked to be, in a manner, forced to respect +the lad, who never by any chance forgot himself, but only quietly +defended his own opinion, or held his tongue. Just as the blessed +countess had always done, and the count was not fond of being reminded +of her. Nothing would have pleased him better than to see his son just +such another bold bird of prey as he himself still was, for all his +half century. Never had he found a horse too wild, a woman too witty, +or a sword too sharp for him. He could not forgive the boy for being so +modest. Indeed I often thought--God forgive me!--that he had rather +have seen Count Ernest forget his duty to him as his father, if he only +would have forgotten that the countess was his mother. Therefore the +count always went back to talk of the good old times, when the world +was merrier and less particular. Now it was only a world for sneaks and +lubbers. And when he had drunk a glass beyond the common, he would tell +us all sorts of love-adventures he had had when he was young; while the +young count would look straight before him, and hold his peace. I was +horrified to hear him, and said to myself: 'Can a father really find it +in his heart to be the tempter of his son, when he finds his innocence +a reproach to him?'" + +"To be sure, I knew that was not the way to tempt my boy at all; he did +not even lose the respect he owed him as a father. Only it grieved him +sadly, never to see the slightest sign that his father loved him; that +I saw by his eyes; but he never spoke about it, not even to me, to whom +he generally told everything. And so I was almost glad when he left us +in a week to go to College, and never once came home for the next five +years; much as he loved his home, and his woods, and everything about +the place, and often as he used to enquire after them in his letters. + +"I say, I was almost glad, and was more glad presently. + +"The young count may have been away for about three years, when I fell +into a bad illness; and that left me a weakness in my limbs, so that I +could hardly drag myself up and down the stairs. For I kept all the +keys, and nobody but Mamsell Flor ever touched a thing in the cellars, +store-rooms, or plate-chests. When the count came home in the autumn, +and saw me crawling about the house with a stick; 'Flor,' he said, 'you +have been doing too much for your strength; you must have some +assistance; a sort of housekeeper under you, to save you going up and +down the stairs.' So kind he was, you see, sir, in some things; and for +all I could say against it, next day, it appeared in the daily papers, +that a housekeeper was wanted at the castle. + +"All sorts of women came, but none to please me. One or two among them +I even suspected of coveting a higher place, (or a lower, as one takes +it) than that of housekeeper; for the count was known to be a gallant +gentleman. I was rather pleased that none of them could be found to +suit; I was always too particular, and none of them did things as I +liked to have them done. And so we had nearly forgotten that we had +wanted one, when one afternoon, in comes a tall slight young woman, in +deep mourning, with very weary eyes. She had come two days' journey +from a town where her father and mother, one after the other, had +lately died, and left her entirely unprovided for. Her father had been +a functionary of some importance, and had lived upon his pay. Her only +brother was an engineer, and was now employed in England on a railway, +which he could not leave without the sacrifice of all his prospects. +She had therefore written to him not to mind her; she had found a +situation in a noble family, and was well provided for; meaning if she +were not accepted here, to take even a lower place. + +"Although everything I could learn about the poor child was entirely +satisfactory, and though she passed the severest examination I could +think of in household matters, I felt a something in my heart, that +warned me not to take her. I told her plainly I thought it might not be +for her good. I said she was too young, and what more I could think of. +And just as she was going, quite submissively, without any prayers or +tears, I called her back, and kept her after all. In fact I was only +afraid she might please the count too well, for she was as fine a girl +as you could see, with a splendid figure, and a high-bred face like +nobody else's; and then such a weight of long brown hair, that could +reach three times round her head. But I found that she had a grave +decided way with her, and that she was not easily to be put upon. And +besides, Count Henry was just then over head and ears in love, as Mr. +Pierre had whispered, with a singer he had met in London, and had only +broken from her chains for a short time, to hasten back to them as fast +as ever he could. So he did not take much notice of the stranger, when +she took her place at the servants' table for the first time; he just +glanced at her from head to foot, gave an approving nod, and sat all +the evening alone, at the master's table, playing with his ring, and +letting the beautiful green stone glitter at the light, and Mr. Pierre +told us it was a present from his London friend. And I suppose it was +true, for when he came back next year, the ring was gone, and Mr. +Pierre told us strange stories about it, which you will not care to +hear, sir. + +"When the count first saw the girl again, Mamsell Gabrielle, as she was +called, I watched his face attentively as she walked across the hall. +He looked much as he used to do, when the dealers brought him horses, +and he had them trotted out into the yard. But he treated her just as +he did the rest of us, only that he spoke to her less often. She had +begun to bloom again, in the quiet life here among the woods, and with +the exercise she took when she was busy about the house. She had left +off mourning, and sometimes I even heard her singing in the little +garden she had laid out with her own hands in the moat, that we might +have our vegetables more handy. + +"In this, as in everything else, she was clever, quiet, and +independent; I may say I got to love her dearly, and thought we never +should be able to do without her; and yet we had done so long!--We used +to sit together for many a pleasant hour, spinning and chatting. I used +to talk to her of my dear Count Ernest, and read his letters to her, +and when Count Henry was at home, we would stand at the window till +late at night, listening to his beautiful playing, and to the +nightingales singing. Then she would tell me how her childhood had been +passed, and of the happy life she had led when her parents were alive, +and how well off they had been; and also about her brother; and she +spoke of all this without any bitterness, and so I saw that she was +quite contented; and that the longer she lived among us, the more she +liked us. + +"And now, for the first time, I was glad when the winter came, and we +were snowed up again by ourselves. When the count was here, we had no +peace; though he only received gentlemen, and was particular about +these. To be safe from the ladies of the neighbourhood, he had left all +the roads without repair, save only a few bridle paths. But it did not +come at all as I expected. The count did not leave the castle, and Mr. +Pierre insinuated that it was because he had never been able to forget +that faithless love of his, and therefore preferred to live in +solitude. I could not get this idea into my stupid old head, for I knew +my master too well to believe that he could be so long cast down, for +such an amour as that. However, stay he did, and the winter came, and +snowed us up; and with us, the count and Mr. Pierre. + +"How he managed to get through those long winter-days, is more than I +can tell; for he never had been fond of his book. We could hear him +playing on the piano out of his own head for hours together, and then +he used to take long rides into the woods, and it was fine to see him +come home, riding in a cloud of smoke from the nostrils of his snorting +horse, his beard all tinkling with icicles, and his grand proud face +colored by the frosty air. He had always been a handsome man, and if +his hair was getting a trifle thinner and more grey, his eyes looked +all the darker and more fiery. He must have found a sweetheart in this +neighbourhood, I thought, but we heard nothing; not even in this dull +place, where we could hear the leaf fall; market-women and butter-women +took care of that. Visits or invitations there were none. I used to +shake my head, and Mr. Pierre, who had been used to a gayer life, shook +his. He had never dreamed that the count would hold out so long as +Christmas. + +"'Mamsell Flor,' he said; 'il y a du mystere, as sure as my name is +Pierre!' and he would whistle the Marseillaise and wink; but in fact, +the rogue knew nothing. To pass the time, he took it into his head to +make love to Mamsell Gabrielle, but he soon let that alone. For modest +as she was, yet she had a way of throwing back her head at times, you +would have thought she was a duchess, and he found out that it was none +of his Paris sewing women he had to deal with. Something French he must +have, and so he took to the Bordeaux wine in our cellars, and often he +was so drunk that he could not wait at table. But his master never said +a word to him. The count was more gentle than he used to be; he never +said an angry word, and at Christmas he made each of us a present. With +the new year he took to dining downstairs in the hall, and of an +evening he came early, and sat reading the newspapers all alone, at the +master's table. But he did not like us to be silent; on the contrary, +after supper, he made us stay and sing. The second forester had a fine +bass voice, and Mamselle Gabrielle could sing like the very wood witch +herself. We often sat up till past eleven, and it sounded, beautifully +in the echo of the great hall. Many a time I saw the count drop the +paper, and listen pensively, with his head leaning on his hand. But I +always kept thinking of my own dear young count, and what a weary time +he had been away; and I used to talk of him to Mamselle Gabrielle, till +she sometimes fell asleep;--which made me cross with her. + +"For the rest, we were always the best of friends, and it was no small +shock to me, when one morning she came to tell me, that she was obliged +to give up her place. She did not think the air was good for her; she +meant to try another. Well, she had slept very badly, I knew, the night +before. She still looked feverish, and her eyes were red; and as often +as I called to her, she would begin trembling all over. She might have +caught cold, for she had come home late from a walk in the woods the +day before, and had gone straight to bed, without coming down to +supper. 'Child,' I said;--'it will pass off. The air of this place is +healthy; and where will you find so easy a situation, and so kind a +master?--not to speak of my own humble self.' But the more I talked, +the more positive she grew, and I thought I should only make her worse; +so I went upstairs to my master, to tell him that Mamselle Gabrielle +had just given warning. + +"The count heard me out, and then he said: 'Do you know any reason for +her going, Flor?'--when I began about her health;--'What room have you +given her?' 'I took her into mine. Sir,' I said; 'Your honor knows the +rooms on the first story, just opposite my lady's bedroom; I have slept +in them for twenty years and more, and I never found anything +unwholesome for one moment.'" + +"He considered a while, and said: 'If Mamselle Gabrielle chooses to go, +of course we can't prevent her, Flor; she is her own mistress. But at +least, she shall not say that she lost her health in my service. Your +rooms look to the forest, and the west winds come blowing against the +windows. It must be damp; and in winter there is not a finger's breadth +of sunshine. While Mamselle Gabrielle remains, you will have to give +her another room. Put her in those opposite, that look into the court; +they have the morning-sun full upon them; and then you may advertise +for another situation for her.' + +"I stared at him. 'I am to put Mamselle Gabrielle in the appartments +where our gracious countess slept?'" + +"He nodded. 'I will have it so:' he said shortly." + +"'But all the furniture is just as it was then;' I went on, without +minding his frown. 'How can I give my blessed mistress's things,--her +bed and table, and her toilette service--to a stranger?'" + +"'You can do as I bid you;' he said, very quietly. 'Leave every thing +as it stands.'" + +"'And if the poor thing gets worse;'--and I spoke more eagerly;--'whom +has she at hand to look after her?'" + +"'There is only the passage between you;' he answered. 'If Mamselle +Gabrielle should be unwell, it will be very easy for you to nurse +her.'" + +"He sat down to the piano, and began to play, and so I was obliged to +go. And I must say, fond as I was of Mamselle Gabrielle, it cut me to +the heart to have to go down-stairs, and air those beautiful +appartments, to put a servant in them. For that she was, the same as I +was. And moreover, I did not like her face, when I told her what the +count had been pleased to order. She first turned white, as if she had +been frightened, and then she grew scarlet; she curled her lip half +scornfully, and said: 'Very well; God will not forget me, wherever you +may please to put me!' She took over her little bed with her, and would +not put her bits of clothes in those beautiful inlaid drawers, but left +them packed in her little trunk, all ready to go. And I liked that of +her; and I kissed her, and begged her pardon in my heart, for having so +grudged her my lady's rooms. She sobbed a while on my shoulder, and I +had some little trouble in soothing her, but I laid it all upon the +fever. That night, I left my door ajar, to hear if she went quietly to +sleep; and all was quiet till about twelve o'clock. Then, all of a +sudden, I thought I heard her talking loud and angrily. I jumped out of +bed, and all the time I was feeling for my slippers, I heard her +talking on. I could not catch the words till I got into the passage, +and then I distinctly heard her say: 'I am only a poor servant-girl; +but may the walls of this castle fall upon me, and crush me, rather +than ...' + +"I knocked at the door,--(which she had bolted by my advice),--and +screamed out: 'Gabrielle, child! What is the matter? Answer me, for the +love of God! Whom are you talking to?--Is the room haunted?'--No +answer. I looked through the keyhole--nothing to be seen--I went on +knocking and calling, but it was a long time before I could get a +wiselike answer. 'Mamsell Flor? is that you? what makes you come so +late?'--and presently I heard her unbolting the door. + +"She stood before me in the darkness; only the snow gave a faint light +from the windows. I took her hand, and felt it trembling and ice-cold. +'What makes you come to me so late, Mamsell Flor?' she said--'Have I +been talking in my sleep? Oh! yes, I am ill; I think I am in a fever; +just feel how my limbs are shaking!' And with that, she burst out +crying. I got her to bed again as fast as ever I could, and sat up all +night with her. + +"In the morning she was too ill to rise, and did not get well again for +more than a week. The count did not seem much concerned about it, +though he sent Mr. Pierre to enquire after her. + +"The first time she came downstairs to supper, my master went up to +her, and said a few words in a low voice, and then she walked silently +and thoughtfully to her seat. And silent and thoughtful she remained, +for the matter of that. But she slept quietly of nights, and did her +work, as usual, like a pattern. She asked me now and then, whether any +answer had been made to our advertisement. Our letters all went through +Mr. Pierre's hands, and he had heard of none. But she seemed in no +hurry to go, and I was only too glad to have her stay. + +"Spring came, and we were still without my dear young count. Instead of +him, there arrived one day a very disagreeable stranger, a gentleman +from London--and indeed I don't think that even my master was quite +glad to see him. But he did his best to receive him civilly, as was due +to an old acquaintance; he rode with him all over the country, and he +invited people to play cards with him. They would sit up gambling till +daybreak; trying all the wines in the cellar, and never once coming +down to the hall. + +"This went on for about a fortnight, and glad enough I was when I heard +that the English Lord was going away next morning. The last day, they +had been to dine at the Baron's, eight miles off; it might be about +nine o'clock, when we heard their horses come pattering over the +bridge. We were just at supper, and I was getting up to take a candle, +and light the gentleman upstairs, but before we could leave the table, +they came in. The English gentleman foremost, with that look he had in +his eyes when he had just dined. And the count came after him, with his +riding-whip under his arm, and his spurs jingling with that heavy tread +by which I knew that his spirit was up. + +"We all rise, and make our bows and curtsies; the English Lord, keeping +his hat upon his head, gives us a sort of condescending nod, and says: +'Devil take long rides, Harry! I feel as stiff as a poker! don't +let us go upstairs to-night; let us have our grog down here by the +chimney corner--I incline to affability towards these your trusty +vassals!'--and he stared from one of us to the other, and never +listened to what the count was saying to him in French, in a low +voice. All at once he catches sight of Mamsell Gabrielle, and chuckles +quite out loud. 'Ha! Harry, old boy!' he cries; 'what an old fox you +are! do you keep such doves as these in your hen-house? Foi de +gentilhomme!'--and he laughed so insolently that I felt the blood rush +into my face. 'Let us have this dove at supper, I say, with a good +glass of Burgundy: you have plucked it long ago, of course--' and then +another great roar of laughter. My very heart stood still--I looked at +the poor girl--she was as white as the wall--and my master looked--Sir, +I cannot tell you how he looked. He went close up to the Englishman, +where he stood laughing, and said out loud: 'You will ask the young +lady's pardon, sir, this moment--and then you will leave the room. I +can protect my people from the insolence of any man, be he who he +may!'" + +"The Lord did not seem to hear him, and kept staring at the girl. 'By +Jove!' he said, speaking thick with drink; 'deuced neat built she is! +and I have been in the house a week and more, and never yet--Ah! +Harry--I say--d--d sly old fox is Harry. Come, dear, don't let me +frighten you.' And he stretched out his arm to take her round the +waist, while the poor thing stood motionless against the wall, as if +she had been struck by lightning--when we heard a sharp sound whistling +through the air, and with a great oath the Lord drew back his hand. The +count had drawn a broad red stripe across it with his riding-whip. + +"Sir, I need not tell you all that passed that night; only, that by +seven o'clock next morning my master had fought the stranger, without +seconds, at a place they call the wolfs gap. We heard the crack of the +four shots in the still February morning, and half an hour afterwards, +the count came home bleeding from his left hand. He did not send for a +surgeon, but had it bound up by his valet, Mr. Pierre, who had been +with him on the ground, and told us that the Lord had not come off so +easily; but he had been able to get on horseback and ride on to the +next town. + +"What that poor thing,--Gabrielle,--said to it all? Good Lord! She held +her peace, as if she had really been turned to stone that evening--and +what surprised me rather--she never thought of going to thank her +master for what he had done; but she never talked of leaving now. + +"From that morning when we heard the shots, she was so changed, I +should scarcely have known her. She went through her work as usual, and +was neither glad nor sad, only absent; so absent, that of an evening +she would sit for hours, staring into the light, as if she were in a +trance--and I must say these strange ways became her; she grew +handsomer from day to day. We every one of us noticed it. As to the +younger functionaries about the place, there was not a single man of +them, who was not over head and ears in love with her. But she never +seemed to see it--and not one of them had a kinder word to boast of +than the others. + +"Summer came, and brought no change. The count was still at the castle; +Mr. Pierre sitting with his bottle before him half the day; and every +body wondering and conjecturing what was likely to come of this new +style of living. The busy tongues had a fresh match ready every week +for my Master. For he had got to be far gayer; he willingly accepted +invitations in the neighbourhood, and even gave little fetes in return, +where he was all politeness. I had never known him to be in such a +humour before, and I thanked God for it; the more, as we expected our +young count to come home in the Autumn, and it would have broken my +heart if they had not met in peace and kindness. + +"And oh! Sir, that night, when my Count Ernest came, and his father +rode out to meet him--(he came from Berlin, after having passed his +examination most brilliantly)--I felt--his own mother could not have +felt more. And when I saw him, so tall and handsome, riding beside his +father through the triumphal arch of fir-trees the men had put up for +him across the bridge--and the lovely transparency over the gate, with +the word: 'Welcome!' and Mr. Pierre's rockets whizzing right up into +the sky, I burst into tears, and could not speak a word--I only took +his hand, and kept kissing it again and again.-- + +"And he was just the same as ever; and he stroked my face, and had his +old jokes with me, that were only between us two. Ah! Sir, that was a +pleasant meeting! The count--I mean the father--walked upstairs with +his son, looking quite pleased and proud; and indeed it was a son to be +proud of. I felt so cross with Mamsell Gabrielle, when I asked her what +she thought of our young count, and found she could not tell me whether +he were dark or fair. But when I came to consider of it, I said to +myself that, after all, this was better than falling in love with +him--for that was what I had always been afraid of.--Poor shortsighted +creatures that we are! + +"In the evening I was called upstairs, to help to wait upon the +gentlemen, who had their supper in Count Henry's room. Monsieur +Pierre's fireworks had so heated him, that he was not to be got out of +the cool cellars that night at all; and I was only too happy to take +his place, and have a good look at my young count. But my pleasure was +soon spoiled, for the count his father soon began to talk again, as he +used to do, of the good old times. 'The young folks of the present +day,' he said, 'are fit for nothing but to sit by the chimney-corner, +with their noses on their books--worse still, to write themselves--even +for the daily papers.' I don't remember all he said--only some things +that appeared to me the worst--some things I shall not forget to my +dying-day. + +"You must know. Sir, that when Count Henry had been a half-grown lad, +he had, been taken to Paris by his father, just when the Empire was at +its height; and as the old count (grand-father to our Count Ernest) had +always been of those to whom Napoleon was as a god, of course they met +with the best reception. The old count had been at Paris before, for +some years during the revolution; and most of those bad bloody men had +been his friends; and Count Henry began to talk of these. 'Do you +suppose,' he said, 'that the Emperor could have fought these battles +with our good bourgeois of the present day? Wild beasts those were he +had to tame, and to let loose upon his enemies. There was a scent of +blood in the very air of Paris then, that was withering to the sicklier +plants; and turned the weaker spirits faint. But to a resolute man, +the sulphureous atmosphere proved intoxicating. He would have dared +a thousand devils. And as the men, so the women; all had tasted +blood--and blood makes brighter eyes than household dust. Just look at +our present world,'--he said--'our German world at least--compared to +that! all so prim, precise, and regular, like the straight lines of a +Dutch garden. Fathers, schoolmasters, and wise professors are there to +trim it, and if anything escapes them, there is the police. If ever the +brute begins to shew itself in man,--in civilized man--quick comes +the police with a summons to expel it; but the beast is not to be +expelled--it must have blood--if not in pailfuls, at least in drops--it +will turn sneakingly domestic, and suck it from the veins of its +nearest neighbour. Out upon the small sly social vices of the day! they +are so shabby!--worse:--they are so stupid!--see what they will do for +this puny generation when a time for action comes--for great deeds to +be done by thorough men, and genuine mettle. When a man says he shrinks +from shedding blood, and would not crush a worm, I say it is his own +blood he is so chary of, and shrinks from shedding. At that time Death +was the Parisian's familiar,--his bosom friend; together they fought +and won the Emperor's great victories.' And then my master went on to +talk of a ball where his father had been; they called it 'le bal +des Zephirs,' because it was given on a spot which had been a +churchyard--I forget the name of the church. And just above the skull +and cross-bones upon the gateway, they had put up a transparency with +the inscription: 'Le bal des Zephirs;' and they had danced like mad +upon the graves and tombstones, till morning. + +"All this time, my dear young count sat grave and silent, opposite his +father, whose discourse, I could plainly see, appeared as blasphemous +to him, as it did to me; but he spoke very calmly, and beautiful were +the things he said:--'Man has progressed since then,' he said; 'it +requires more energy to build up than to destroy.' In his opinion: 'a +world without a sense of veneration must necessarily decay and fall in +pieces, like a building without cement;' and more of the like which I +have forgotten, more's the pity; but when he spoke, I used rather to +watch his eyes, than mind his lips! His eyes would grow so clear, you +could look right through them. Only one thing more I recollect; he +said: 'A generation that can dance on the graves of its fathers, will +assuredly care little for its children; a man who tramples upon the +past, is unworthy of a future--' + +"As these words escaped him, he turned red and stopped short,--fearful +lest his father should be offended by them. But, bless you, he was not +used to mind such trifles! + +"'Bah!' says he: 'we are all the same--only we are quieter; we do the +same things, only not to the sound of fifes and trumpets--we have no +piping to our dancing. In every generation man is selfish, and has a +right to be. There was another kind of ball in those days, they called +it le bal des victimes. When the Convention had confiscated the +property of the guillotined, it was returned to their heirs, after the +9th Thermidor. Thus many of them held their lands, par la grace de +Robespierre. Young men began to live fast again, and to enjoy +themselves. They gave balls where only those were admitted who could +prove that some very near relation had been beheaded; it was a sort of +herald's office to the scaffold; and to shew their gratitude for their +inheritance, they invented a peculiar mode of salutation. A gentleman +would go up to a lady, and jerk his head forwards, as if he dropped it, +and the lady would do the same. They called it Salut a la victime; and +all this with fiddling and dancing, and wax-lights and champagne. I do +not admire that style of thing myself; it was a fashion like any other, +and not a pretty one, I think; but I really do see no improvement in +young people's babbling of the sanctity of family ties, and of their +duty to their fathers, and forefathers, and sighing in secret for their +turn to come, even if without the connivance of a Robespierre.'" + +"I left the room, for I could not hear him speak in such a way, to such +a son. I waited in the antechamber till Count Ernest came out to go to +bed. He was sad and silent, and would have passed without noticing me, +but I took up my light, and followed him. In the passage he suddenly +stopped and looked eagerly up the staircase, that was well lighted with +a two-branched lamp. 'What now?' thinks I--and then I saw Mamsell +Gabrielle coming down from the loft with some plate she had been to +fetch, and pass us on her way downstairs. When she had quite +disappeared; 'Who is that, Flor?' says he, quickly turning to me--'Who +is that lady?' + +"When I told him, he shook his head. 'Can it be the same?' he murmured, +'or can I be so far mistaken?' And then after a while, when I had come +into his room with him: 'Flor,' he said, 'I am right; she was only on a +visit to X, when she was at that ball, and she left it again soon +after. _Both_ parents did you say?--and so poor,--so friendless--that +she was forced to go to service?--' + +"'She wants for nothing here;' I said, to pacify him; for then I saw at +once that she was that old flame of his, for whom he had pined so long. +'My dear young master,' I said, 'she could never be better off than she +is here. His honor is very kind to her, and will have her treated with +the greatest consideration and respect.' + +"But he did not seem to hear me; he was sitting there in that great +arm-chair by the open window--thinking, and thinking, till he made me +feel quite nervous. He appeared to be so troubled in his mind, as all +the past came over him, and all that he thought he had forgotten. + +"The old rooms again; the tapestry with the hunting scenes; the +furniture he had seen from his childhood; the dark woods before the +windows, and then his father's horrid talk--if he forgot his poor old +Flor a while, I am sure I could not wonder. I was about to steal +quietly away and leave the room, when he saw me, and rising, he came +and laid his two hands upon my shoulders: + +"'Flor,' he said: 'if it should really come to pass--which is more than +I dare to hope--what a wonderful,--delightful dispensation it would +be!' + +"'If _what_ should come to pass?' says I; for fond as I was of the +girl, the idea that she could ever become our gracious countess was a +thing I never could have dreamed of. 'Let us leave it all to +Providence, Flor,' he said, very seriously. 'Good night, Flor--' + +"And with that, he went to the window again, and I to my lonely room, +where, for all it was so quiet, I could not fall asleep for hours. + +"And so, next morning I overslept myself, and was quite ashamed when I +saw the bright sun shining in at my window. My room just looked over +the vegetable beds that Mamsell Gabrielle had laid out; and I saw her +busy among them, cutting what was needed for the table. I was just +going to call to her, and tell her how long I had been sleeping, when I +saw Count Ernest coming out of the wood, and going towards the +little garden. He bowed to her, and I saw how she stood up, and +returned his bow with due respect, but quite naturally--not an idea of +recognition--not even when he spoke to her;--nothing of the awkwardness +of recollecting that her former partner now stood before her as her +master. He appeared more embarrassed than she was. And as they crossed +the garden, side by side, I could not help thinking to myself, if God +should so appoint it, a handsomer pair could not be found in all the +world. I was quite willing that the poor child should have all that +happiness and honor, if she only made my boy as happy as he deserved to +be. + +"But you know, sir, 'man proposes, and God disposes,' as the proverb +says, and I soon found out. + +"I had not looked after them long, when Mr. Pierre came running to tell +Count Ernest that his father was wanting him immediately--and soon +after they rode away together; and indeed, sir, it was quite a sight to +see that handsome father on his wild black horse, and the slender son +riding a light brown Arab mare, as they galloped over the bridge into +the wood. Mr. Pierre said they had been invited to the Baron's: there +they had cast their hooks in haste for the son, when they found the +father could not be made to bite; and indeed the three baronesses had +not much time to lose; but 'they reckon without the host,' thinks I. + +"As for Mamsell Gabrielle, I could not get much out of her. Many years +ago she had been in X, on a visit to a friend, and there she had danced +with our young master. It was plain that he had been so bashful, that +she had no idea of the impression she had made; she talked of him as of +any other young man. This made me cross, I must confess; but to be +sure, it was all quite right, and far better so; and I resolved to have +no hand whatever in the business, and neither by word or hint, to +meddle with it, but to leave it entirely to Providence. + +"When the gentlemen came back that night, I had a good long talk with +my young count at last. He was very merry. He described the foolish +dressed-up ways of these three lemon-colored baronesses, who in those +last five years had grown so young and bashful, so girlish and so +giggling; and had pouted so prettily at his father for being so bad a +neighbour, hinting at their hopes that the son might make amends; and +so, with one eye upon the father, and the other upon the son, +altogether the attraction had been rather 'louche.' + +"'Ah! Flor,' he said, 'it was just the thing to make me sick of the +so-called proper matches. I half suspect my father to have taken me +there on purpose to warn me from the daughters of the country, and make +me feel the value of my liberty; he knows how I hate the thoughts of +going to Stockholm, where they want to send me with the Legation. I had +so far rather stay at home among my woods, and only be a sportsman, or +a farmer. And you, Flor, you faithful soul, you would never bid me go. +But when I just hinted at my wishes, treating them as a sort of +romantic whim, I saw at once that by staying I should lose the last +remnant of my father's good opinion; and indeed I have no occasion'--he +said, with a faltering in his voice, that made my heart ache +terribly--'I have no occasion to put his affection to too hard a test. +After all, Flor, one has but one father, in this world.'" + +"Poor boy, it was the first time he ever shewed how much it grieved him +to be so little loved. + +"'My darling Count Ernest,' I said; 'you know how I wish you all your +heart desires; but to live here in this solitude, at your age, one had +needs be wonderfully happy, or desperately wretched.' + +"'And which was your case, Flor?' he asked. + +"'I was happy,' I said; 'for I had a dear little master to bring up, +who never for a moment let me feel that I was not his own mother, but +only a penniless servant-girl.' + +"He took my hand, and said; 'Right, you dear old woman! but if to live +here, one must needs have everything one wishes, or nothing, why should +I despair of having everything?'" + +"I held my tongue, for I did not dare to begin first to speak of what +he might be thinking needful to his happiness. He guessed what I was +thinking of, for he said: + +"'To be sure, even if the greatest of all gifts were within my reach, +who knows whether I should be allowed to take it? Curious, how men +contradict themselves! There is my father now, who never goes to court, +because, he says, the nobility of to-day has nothing thorough-bred +about it, if it be not in the stables. Yet how would he look, if I were +to go and propose giving him a daughter who was only a blameless girl, +who had been his servant? But I am talking nonsense. It is not likely +that I shall be tempted to make such a proposal.'" + +"'The safest way not to be tempted, is to go abroad;' I said, at last, +as he sat silent and discouraged. 'For, my dear Count Ernest, if +Mamsell Gabrielle appears to have no eyes for her young master, I am +certain it is only because she is a servant girl, and knows what she is +about. It would be a thousand pities for the poor child, if she were to +suffer her heart to escape her through her eyes, for there would be no +recalling it. I know her well: she has a brave spirit of her own; if +she were to say:--"I will do this, if I were to die for it,"--she +_would_ do it and die, without a word.' + +"God knows, I found it hard to say all this to my darling boy, and +moreover, presently I found that I had only been making matters worse. + +"He had never hoped that the girl could love him, but now he +interpreted her reserve more favorably; he thought it might be +forced--in self-defence--to enable her to stand more firm; and that +perhaps she suffered from it no less than he did. And indeed I thought +the same. I, too, thought her changed since Count Ernest had been at +home; she had grown graver and more absent. I often saw her sweet face +change from white to red, without any sufficient cause. I meant to +speak to my young count at the very first opportunity, and entreat him +to come to some decision; to settle it one way or the other. But the +opportunity did not come of itself, and I wanted heart to seek one. I +loved him dearly, and it was hard for me to part with him so soon. + +"And so a week passed, and then a fortnight, and three whole weeks, and +the evil was growing daily before my eyes; and other eyes saw it too. +At least I heard from Mr. Pierre, that the two counts had been talking +of Stockholm again. Count Henry had insisted on Count Ernest's going at +once, and Count Ernest had begged for time to think about it. After +that the father had taken care that they should be out all day, so that +his son should find no time for the handsome Mamsell Gabrielle. 'C'est +drole,' says Mr. Pierre, the cunning creature; 'if my master were in +love with the girl himself, he could not be more careful of her; but I +would lay my life, that he has not the shadow of a liaison with her. It +would be the first time he ever undertook such a thing, without my +help; and how could he?--in this castle all over ears and eyes! No, I +rather think there must be something deeper in it. The girl's mother, +perhaps, you understand me. But this is strictly between us two, +Mamsell Flor.' All this was puzzling, but the end was very different to +anything my stupid head had thought of. + +"One evening in October--by some chance or other there had been no +riding out that day--Count Henry was busy with the steward's accounts, +and Count Ernest had gone out with his gun and his melancholy to the +woods. I heard a strange voice in the court, speaking to one of the +men, and enquiring for Mamsell Grabrielle. She had just gone to the +garden, to cut some dahlias and china-asters for the supper-table. So +down I go, to ask the stranger what he wants with her, and feel quite +pleased to hear it is her brother come from England all the way to see +her. He had a serious, steady, manly way with him, that I rather liked, +though his dress and manner were far below his sister's; indeed his +dress was almost shabby. I gave him a hearty welcome, and told him how +glad the dear girl would be to see him, and led him through the little +postern-gate that opens to the moat and to the garden; and there, +standing among the tall flowers, we saw our Gabrielle. She knew him in +an instant, but, I thought, for a brother and sister who had not met +for years, they were not so very eager about it. + +"She turned pale, as though she were going to faint, and he held out +his hand, saying a few words in a tone as if he pitied her. 'It is the +first time they are together since they have been orphans,' thinks I; +'I must go and leave them by themselves;' and so I went back to my own +room, and when I looked out of the window, I still saw them standing as +I had left them. He was saying something, but nothing pleasant, it +appeared, earnestly, in a low voice, while she only hung her head and +listened. + +"In about ten minutes' time, Count Ernest came out of the wood, and saw +the two as they stood together. He went straight up to the stranger, +and bowed to him politely, and I saw that he joined in their +conversation. I could not hear what they said, they spoke so quietly. +But at last the young count raised his voice: 'You will think better of +it perhaps. How is it possible to decide so hastily? What does your +sister say? what do you think of it, yourself, Gabrielle? Your sister +is quite startled, you see, by this sudden break in the tenour of her +life. Not even your brotherly affection for her should induce you to +adopt any violent measures. Your sister is so highly valued by us;--she +is so necessary to us all! I am sure she has no reason to wish for any +change. If you will remain with us a few days as our guest, you will +convince yourself, I hope, that life may be very tolerable in this +wilderness of ours.' + +"He held out his hand to the stranger, who was, I thought, rather slow +to take it, and turned away, and after saying a word or two I could not +catch, walked towards the castle. + +"Count Ernest remained standing beside Gabrielle, saying nothing at +first, but only looking earnestly in her face, while she looked down. +Then he began to speak fast and low, and in my heart I felt every word +he said, though I heard nothing; upon which she suddenly dropped her +flowers, and covering her face with her two hands, she ran away and +left him, and I could see that she was crying bitterly. + +"He stood looking after her till she disappeared among the woods; he +did not venture to follow her, but I saw that his face had that happy +thoughtful look he used to have long ago, when, after the long winter, +he would stand watching the sun rise above the woods for the first +time, and feel that the sweet spring season was at hand. + +"My heart melted, and I folded my hands, and prayed; I hardly know what +I was praying for, till I heard the stranger's voice in the passage, +asking Mr. Pierre if he could be admitted to speak to Count Henry, and +there he stayed a long time. I heard them walking up and down in the +room above me, talking loud and angrily. When the stranger was gone, +and Count Henry had gone out, Mr. Pierre came and told me what he had +heard in the ante-chamber. + +"And then, Sir, I heard that the stranger had come all this way from +England only to take his sister from us. And do you know what made him +come? That duel with the English Lord was at the bottom of it all. It +had appeared in the papers, and had been the talk in London for a day +or two, and many of my master's old adventures and love affairs had +been raked up again; so this brother had had no peace for thinking of +it, and at last he had started off, travelling day and night, meaning +to fetch his sister away at once, and take her with him just as she +stood, without stopping one moment longer. + +"'Mon cher,' had my master said; 'let me tell you that you are acting +like a fool, to your own damage. I need not trouble myself to discuss +with you what is likely to prove more injurious to your sister, my +chastising a man who had insulted her, or your coming here to fetch her +away, at a moment's notice, from a home where she is perfectly secure +in the respect of all who know her, to take her to a strange place +where there are numbers of such lords, who are not often likely to be +so kind as to let you shoot them; but, as I said before, that is your +own affair. Mine is, to see that your sister's liberty be respected, +for she is of age; further, that the legal term of warning be observed. +I am not prepared to dismiss my servants at a day's notice, just as +they may think fit.' + +"The young man had found a thousand reasons to oppose to this, speaking +in an abrupt business-like way, and suffering himself to be so far +carried away as at last to offer a sum of money for the rupture of the +contract. And then my master had turned his back upon him, and gone +out, leaving the bold man standing, who, after some consideration, had +hurried away, and left the castle for the next town; probably to +consult the burgher-master as to the lengths the law would let him go +in his attempts to force the count to give up his sister. + +"With all these things buzzing in my head, I felt crosser than ever +with Mr. Pierre, and had no ears for his stale jokes. I wanted to ask +Gabrielle herself what she wished to do; for, after all, that was the +chief thing to be considered. So I went over to her room, to wait till +she came back. It was all just as it used to be--the gilding on the +mirrors and picture-frames, and on the furniture; and the beautiful +hangings of green damask with a large raised pattern on it. And there +was her plain servant's-bed under the silk curtains, and her trunk with +her bits of clothes. I began to think how it would be if we had a young +mistress living there; and while I was pondering, and looking at the +picture of Count Henry over the sofa, painted when he was going to be +married, (I will shew it you to-morrow, Sir), and seeing some dust upon +the consoles, I took the corner of my apron and was going to wipe them, +when I heard a noise like mice behind the hangings, and stood still to +hear where it was coming from. Well, there is a great mirror in a broad +old-fashioned frame, reaching down to the ground, (the fellow of it is +up-stairs in Count Henry's room); behind this I heard a rustling and a +creaking, and I was looking about to find the hole, when all of a +sudden the floor begins to slide, as it were; I see my face in the +glass going round, as if I were giddy, the wall opens in the gaping +frame, and who should step out of it but my own Count Ernest! + +"If I was dreadfully startled, he was no less astonished. 'Why Flor!' +he cried, 'Good evening to you! Are you surprised? Here I come upon you +like a thief in the night, in an odd way enough. I had no conception of +such a thing--I wanted to speak to my father, and not finding him in +his room, I waited for him. I was determined to tell him all, and not +to pass another night in a state of such uncertainty. To her I had +spoken--her brother wants to take her away, and I asked her whether she +would find it so easy to go away and leave us, and if she thought she +could be induced to stay for my sake? Upon which she burst into tears +and ran away. But I rather hope you were right, Flor, and that there +really may be nothing to part us but the coat-of-arms above the +gateway. As for that, we might do without it, and quietly settle in a +happier home. Just as I was thinking over what I would say to my +father, my eye fell by chance on a part of the mirror where the frame +appeared to have been damaged. I put my finger upon it mechanically, +and was poking at it, when all at once the glass gave way, and then I +saw a great gap staring me in the face. I had scarcely stepped through +to see what was beyond it, when it closed upon me again and left me in +the dark; and finding neither spring nor handle to open it again, there +was nothing for it but to grope my way straight on, along a small +passage, and then down a small winding staircase all pitch dark, and +then I came to a dead halt against a wall. I must own that I had some +slight shudderings and misgivings while I was feeling about for the +spring, till I got hold of it. Deuce take these dungeons, Flor!' he +cried, quite amused: 'Are there many of these moleworks in this +place?--whither have they led me? Where am I now, Flor? Surely ... this +is not your room, Flor? is it--was it not--my mother's? and now, +now--does not--yes--does not Gabrielle--sleep--' + +"He broke off short, and looked at me--and, oh! such a look of horror +flared up in his frightened eyes. And then he closed them, as though he +could not bear to look again on any human being. I myself felt more +dead than alive, but I made an effort to speak--to say something. + +"'It was for her health,' I said; 'only because the sun is on this +room, that my master desired me to give it to Gabrielle. My dear +boy,--my darling--what is it you are thinking of? What is there in this +to trouble you so terribly? That passage,--you see, nobody ever knew of +it--not even your father, probably. It is true the mechanism has not +rusted--the springs slip smoothly into their grooves, but that is no +reason--my dear Count Ernest--you cannot think--how should damp or dust +get at it, where we take such care? It is a curious coincidence--a +chance;' I said, and tried to feel convinced; 'how could it be anything +else? and she such a modest girl, and so particular about her honor; +and but a few months ago, my master'--And then I was fool enough--only +think of the stupidity, Sir--to go and rake up that story of the duel, +and in my fright I thought I was doing wonders to make him easy, and +myself. But even whilst I was talking, the scales were dropping from my +eyes; I saw how it was--who ever _does_ fight a duel for a servant +after all? When I thought of this, I came to stammering, and could find +nothing wiser to go on with than: 'It would be beyond belief--it must +be a mistake,--or else I could never trust one human creature on earth +again--scarcely the Lord in heaven.' + +"He looked up at his father's picture on the wall, and then at her +little trunk, and I saw that he did not believe in a mistake. I had +taken hold of his hand in my agitation, and I felt that it was quite +numb and cold; I don't believe there was a pulse in it. 'Flor,' he +said, in a low voice; 'You will never tell how it chanced--you will +tell no living soul--promise me, Flor.' + +"I pressed his hand between both mine. I could not speak, for I felt as +if ten millstones had fallen on my heart. He gently drew away his hand +and left the room. Where he went, I never could find out. Nobody knew +where the others were that evening. Count Henry did not come down to +supper, Mamsell Gabrielle's brother did not return, and she herself was +walking in the woods long after dark. + +"As soon as my trembling legs would carry me, I went over to my own +room; I wanted to hear or to see nothing of nobody--least of all, of +Mamsell Gabrielle. That evening I hated her with all my heart and soul. + +"'If the earth would only open and swallow her up!' I thought to myself +a hundred times. 'If the woods would only fall upon her and crush her, +before she should come between father and son, to estrange them still +more than they already are!' I upbraided myself bitterly for having +been melted by her pale face and her mourning, and taken her into the +house, although I had felt a secret warning at the time; and then I +thought of my own Count Ernest, how he was wandering all night about +the woods half mad with grief--looking on his boyhood's brightest +dream--on the only thing he had ever set his heart on--as some +unnatural sin--perhaps--who knows?--as an offence to all he held most +sacred. 'What will be the end of it all?' I lamented to myself, as I +wrung my hands, and I felt as if the coming morning were to dawn on the +day of judgment! + +"When I heard the girl go past my door at bedtime, I shook all over +with my hate and horror of her. If she had happened to come in, I +really do not know what I should have done to her. If my boy had been +poisoned by her, I don't think I could have hated her more. I could not +conceive how I had been so blind. + +"Not to call myself a fool, I called her all the names I knew. I abused +her for the most horrid hypocrite, the sliest creature that ever +ensnared a man or deceived a woman. I tied a great silk handkerchief +over my head, that I might not hear her in her room, or be an unwilling +witness if anybody came to her in the night. + +"If anybody _did_, I did not know it. I had lighted my lamp and taken +out my hymn-book; but, God forgive me, I did not know what I was +reading. And I was hungry too, for I had not gone down to supper, and +that made me feel still crosser with the girl. + +"As for my master, I never thought of blaming anything he did. I had +broken myself of _that_, years ago. At last I fell asleep with grief +and hunger--at least, I suppose I did, for I was waked up suddenly by +feeling a hand laid upon my shoulder. I could not hear, because I had +my head tied up. + +"The lamp had quite burned down, and the first grey of the morning +light might be seen from the window. And beside my chair I saw +Mamsell Gabrielle standing. I stared at her, for she had her little +straw-bonnet on, and her brown shawl pinned across her chest, and her +parasol in her hand. I really had some trouble to collect my thoughts +and remember what had happened. Meanwhile that sad gentle face of hers +had had time to melt the cruel crust of hate that had gathered about my +heart. I untied my handkerchief and got up. 'Good heavens! what have +you come here for? is it so late? have I been asleep?' + +"'My dear Mamsell Flor,' she said, 'it is hardly four o'clock; I am +very sorry to disturb you, but I have something to say to you, and I +must say it. You were always so kind to me, it would hurt me to have +you think ill of me when I am gone, if you did not know my reasons for +the step I am about to take.' + +"'What step?' I cried; 'What are you going to do? You are ready dressed +for a journey; you don't mean to go and leave the house in this way, in +the dark and cold? Your brother has not come back to fetch you.'" + +"'I am going to him,' she said; 'I am going to beg him to take me away +with him--to the very end of the world, rather than leave me here. Oh! +that I had only had the courage to do so sooner! Miserable I might have +been, for I should have left my heart behind me, but I should not have +been sinful; and I could have looked you bravely in the face and said +good-bye to you, my dear kind friend, who have been a mother to me. I +know you will forgive me for all I have done, you are so good and +pitiful. But now you will shiver when you hear my name, and when you +think of one who has been the cause of all this misery, and made your +darling feel the greatest pain a man can feel. Dear Mamsell Flor, only +yesterday he told me that he loved me,--and I ... for many months I +have been his father's--' + +"She stopped, as if in horror at the sound of her own words; and I who +but yesterday had been so full of rage and hate, Sir, a daughter of my +own could hardly have melted me so soon. She stood before me the very +picture of wretchedness, her bosom heaving, her eyes drooping, as +though she could not bear one ray of light to fall upon her and her +miserable lost life. I sat like one struck dumb, and at last, only to +say something: + +"'Won't you take a seat?' I said, 'You have a long way to go;' and then +immediately I blushed at my own silliness--such foolish words, you +know. Sir,--so out of place. But she did not seem to hear me. After a +pause, she said: + +"'I did what I could to save myself in time; you know that. I plainly +saw my danger--plainly--I am not naturally careless. I am not a giddy +girl, dear Flor. I walked into this with open eyes--that is, I thought +I knew the path I had chosen; I little dreamed that it could lead to +this. Did I say with open eyes? Yet I think they might be blinded by my +tears. I cried so terribly when I saw his wound, and knew it was for +me. He had often tried to make me love him, and I had told him more +than once that I never would be his, except as his wedded wife--_that_ +I could never be, he told me; he had a son who was not to be defrauded +of his inheritance, and who would be shocked if he gave him a young +stepmother. 'As it is, we never can agree,' he said; 'and this would +bring us to an open rupture.' He took some trouble to make this very +plain to me, but he never succeeded in altering my resolution. I had +never heard of what he called a conscience-marriage, and all my +principles rose up against it--not to speak of my pride, that revolted +at the secresy. If two persons are worthy of each other, I thought, and +their consciences worthy of being called to witness what they do, why +should there be secret? + +"'I was in sore trouble day and night, and God knows how I struggled, +Flor! To hear that proud man--naturally so violent and so imperious--to +hear him beg and beseech, and to see him suffer, and to go on living +here in this solitary wilderness beside him, without a soul to help me, +or any counsel, save my own weak heart--it was hard to bear, it was +terrible! and it was worse when he never spoke to me at all for months, +nor even looked at me; and all the while I could see how his dumb +passion was wearing him out; and then at last the blood from that +wound!--then I did feel my courage spent, and I gave myself up. Dear +Flor, if there really be a woman's pride, that could have taken her +through all this unmoved--ordeals, I may say, by fire and water--if +there be such courage, I hardly think I could covet it! + +"'We took an oath,' she went on; 'we pledged ourselves to eternal +constancy and to secresy. My mind was at peace--happy I was not. Not +that I ever doubted him, whatever he may have done--and indeed he never +tried to make me think better of him than others. This I know--never +will he love another woman now, nor I another man. But there was always +a heavy presentiment of evil that was to come--and now it has come, and +my life is at an end. + +"'It is not possible for me to remain where I am,' she continued; +'between father and son. If Count Ernest had come back, and found me as +his father's lawful wife, he would have smothered his boyish flame at +once, and all would have been plain and open. But now this wretched +secresy has borne its bitter fruits! I have prayed to God to guide me, +and I am resolved to take it all upon myself, and by leaving the house +at once, to save what there is yet to save. If I were to die, it would +be the best thing I could do for all of us, and so I must anticipate +death, and take myself away, never to be heard of more. I will tell my +brother all, and that shall be my penance. I do not mean to spare +myself, for henceforth I shall have to live all my days alone. But it +will be a comfort to me, dear Flor, to think that you remember me and +have a kindly feeling for me!' + +"I held her hand and stroked her cheek; 'I will never forget you, +dear,' I said: 'Wherever you go, my heart will follow you;' and it +quite moved me to see a faint rose return to her pale cheeks, with +pleasure at hearing me speak so. She drew a deep breath, as if a load +had been taken off her mind; and then she begged me to keep her flight +a secret. Afterwards, when it was no longer to be concealed, I was to +say that she had gone to her brother to persuade him to go back to +England quietly, and that perhaps she would not come back that night. + +"'When I am safe across the channel, I will write to the count; she +said; 'and as for you, my best and dearest friend, I shall always think +of your love and goodness for me to my dying day.' + +"And she fell upon my neck, and cried so bitterly that I cried myself +while I was trying to comfort her--saying the most stupid things--for +my poor old head was all astray. I could hardly get out the words for +sobbing, and only kept repeating: 'God bless you, poor dear!--bless you +I--don't forget your own old Flor, who wronged you so!--you are far too +good to be so wretched!' + +"As if, in this world, the good people were the best off! As if my +blessed mistress had not been an angel even before she died! + +"As soon as we heard the first birds singing in the woods, the pretty +creature rose and dried her eyes, and gave me her hand to say good-bye; +and when at the door she turned round to nod to me again, she looked so +lovely that I looked after her, as if I had been her lover myself, and +ran to the window to see her pass through the little gate, and walk +towards the wood to wave my hand to her again. The day was dawning +gradually over the trees, that all stood still, as if asleep, till the +dew fell, and then they began to stir in the morning air. To this +moment I can remember how I felt, as I put out my hot head to cool the +fever in it, and let the fresh breeze blow over my hair. 'God be +praised! who gave that poor girl the sense and courage to go at once, +and make an end of it!' I thought one moment, and the next--'But has +she a right to go? If that be true about the oath she took, and the +conscience-marriage, can she--can any woman--go and leave her husband +as though her life were still her own to dispose of?' Yet at every step +she was taking farther out into the wide world and farther from the +castle, I felt the weight on my heart loosening, and I imagined that if +only my poor dear boy were safe never to set eyes on her again, all +might yet be well, and we might leave the rest to Providence. + +"She must have got a good start by the time our people began to be +stirring about the stables and the farm-buildings, and my master never +got up till several hours later. I always was the earliest in the +house, and had more than enough to do and to look after, but that +morning I could think of nothing at all; my head was dazed, everything +seemed running in it at once--I took a whole hour to plait up my poor +wisps of hair before I could make up my mind to leave the room. For I +thought I should meet the count, and if he were to ask for Mamsell +Gabrielle, I was sure to stammer and hesitate, and very likely to +confess the whole. However, I could not hold out any longer, I wanted +so much to go and see what my poor Count Ernest was about. I went along +on tiptoe, and slowly up the stairs. My legs shook as though I had +grown to eighty in a single night. + +"I listened at the door of his room, and hearing nothing, I softly +opened it and went in. The room was empty, and the bed untouched; but +he must have spent the night here, for the candles were burned down to +their sockets. It all looked so sad, it made me begin to cry again, as +I went about setting things to rights, and opening the windows. I +looked out far over the tree-tops, and fell a-thinking. I can remember +that I almost went into a passion with that faded dog-boy there on the +tapestry, who grins and looks so happy, shewing all his teeth. +'Whatever happens, that fool must grin,' I said; sorrow had made me +that distracted, that even a picture on the wall could provoke me, +Sir." + +"All at once I heard the piano in the room below me, long before the +time when my master was used to rise. 'The whole world is topsy-turvy;' +I thought, as I went downstairs. Now that I was sure not to meet the +count, I wanted to go and look for my dear boy all over the castle and +about the grounds." + +"When I came to the door of my lady's room, where we had put Mamsell +Gabrielle, I could not pass it. I felt drawn in against my will, as it +were--it was like those places where dreadful murders have been +committed. I stood staring at the glass, and talking to myself like a +mad woman. We women are a weak and a curious race, you know. Sir, and +have a right to be, as our mother Eve was before us; and I could not +help fumbling about till I had found the mechanism; and then, I +thought, I would take one peep at the hidden passage--just one peep, I +thought--but when the mirror turned upon its hinges, I had one foot +over without intending it, and then the other--and I found myself +walking on, hardly venturing to breathe, and the door had closed behind +me of itself. I was not frightened. If I really never did get out, or +saw the light of day again, what would it matter? What is there in the +world to please me, where all is temptation and disappointment, and +where one man plays the part of Lucifer to the other? + +"I saw a faint streak of light falling through a crack, and so I went +on till I came to the steps; I went up cautiously; I heard the piano +getting louder and louder as I went up. While I live, I shall not +forget that strange feeling; the dark dank air, like a prison, and the +beautiful music pealing above my head. + +"I felt as if I were in my grave, and thousands of birds were singing +over the sod, and I could hear them and understand them all. At the +last step I stood still--'Where does this lead to?' I thought, 'and +shall I be able to get out?' and I turned cold all aver, when I saw +that this passage could only lead into Count Henry's morning-room, just +where the piano stood. If I were to walk in suddenly, what would he +think of me? + +"Then I saw the light shining through a hole in the wall, and that made +me go on again. The mirror had been injured at one place, which looked +like a spot or blemish, and it had often vexed me while I was cleaning +it; and now I saw that it had been done on purpose, to enable one to +look into the room and see that all was safe, before putting the +springs in motion and opening the door. + +"I crept close up and peeped in. Count Henry was sitting at the piano, +in his short velvet morning-dress, with his back turned to the mirror, +and all the windows were standing wide open. I was going to steal away +again, but the music bewitched me, as it were; I never could get enough +of it. It was easy enough for it to steal away the heart of a poor +young lonely creature like Gabrielle, when it could so bewilder an old +thing like me! It all came of itself while he was playing, out of his +own head. It was as if he were talking with the spirits within him, and +soothing them when he felt his fits of passion coming on; and at those +times the music sounded like two distinct and separate voices +discoursing--angry first, and quarrelling, and then at peace. + +"What storm was raging in him that morning I do not know. He could not +be thinking of Gabrielle's brother,--he was not uneasy about that,--for +he was fully persuaded that she herself would never leave him--neither +of Count Ernest; for what did he know of what he was feeling? But he +must have a kind of presentiment that some great event was impending, +for the music was like the sound of a coming storm, and one could hear +the first roll of the distant thunder. It made me feel so frightened +and uncomfortable--partly because of the confined air in that little +passage--that I stood up, and was just going away, when the door of the +ante-chamber opened, and my dear Count Ernest came in. + +"His father looked round, but he made a sign to beg him not to let +himself be disturbed, but to go on playing, and he sat down in an +arm-chair to wait; he sat so that I could see his face straight before +me. There was something so grave and grand about it, and yet so subdued +and peaceful,--he looked handsomer than I ever saw him. He did not +raise his eyes to the secret door; it was pain and grief to him to know +that it was there. He was very pale, and he looked down as if he were +studying the pattern of the inlaid floor, with a look of forced +cheerfulness that made my heart ache. And though he never moved an +eyelid, I saw his eyes getting wet, and then two large tears glittering +beneath his eyelashes, while his mouth remained as quiet and sweet as +ever. I saw that the music was too much for him, and almost overcame +him. His father did not seem to notice it; he went on playing for some +time longer, until at last, closing with a magnificent unison of all +the voices, he shut down the piano, got up, and took a few hasty turns +about the room. He never looked at his son, (in general he seldom did); +but still he appeared to be in a good humour, and took up a new +fowling-piece that was lying on the table to shew it him." + +"'You are just come when I wanted you,' he said. 'I was going to send +over Pierre to ask whether you would like to take a ride with me +through the forest. Pierre tried this gun yesterday, and says he thinks +it is even better than my English one; did he speak to you about it?'" + +"'No, he did not;' and the young count rose also; 'and I rather fear I +shall not be able to accompany you, my dear father. I have come to a +sudden decision about Stockholm, and I mean to go at once. You say very +justly, that it would be far too soon for me to stay here and bury +myself among these woods, without at least one trial of what I may be +fit for in this world. And I am come to say good-bye--that is, if you +still approve of my decision as much as I hoped you would, concluding +from the wishes you have so frequently expressed.' + +"He spoke calmly and cheerfully; but oh! it was woe to me to hear him! +I could hear every word through the slight partition, and I held my +breath, for I even fancied they must hear how my heart was beating. I +did not dare to move, and so I stayed, and heard all they said. I found +I was to lose him again; and when to see him, who could tell?--never +perhaps. I knew what made him go. He was resolved never to see the girl +again. But she was gone, and what would they do when they found _that_ +out? When I tried to think of this, my five senses failed me, and so I +rather listened to what they were saying. I cannot repeat every word, +but it was beautiful to hear my young count explaining to his father +how the post at Stockholm had just then acquired a great importance, in +consequence of our commercial relations, and what not; and how clearly +he saw it all, and knew what he had to do. + +"Meanwhile the elder count was walking up and down, and never spoke a +word till he had done. Then he stopped short before his son, and held +out his hand to him; 'You are perfectly right in all you say, and I +entirely approve of the step you are about to take,' he said. 'I know +it is a sacrifice to my wishes on your part, for in fact, you are not a +man of action, you have far more of the German scholar in you, but in +your new position you will soon have shaken off the last vestige of +school-dust; and by-and-by you will agree with me, that my wishes were +entirely for your own good. When do you start?' + +"'This very day, if you approve, Sir; I would take Fatme as far as the +station, and Pierre could take the horses back in the evening. My +things can be sent after me.'" + +"His father nodded, and again they remained silent for a time. My +Ernest had still something weighing heavy on his mind--that I saw by +his face." + +"At last he said: 'And you, my dear father, what have you decided upon +doing? What are your plans for the present? Do you mean to spend the +winter here?'" + +"'I rather think so. I fancy I have had enough of being tossed about. A +quiet time in port to rest, would do no harm for a change.' + +"'This is a solitary place,' returned his son, 'and our neighbours are +not much resource. Will you laugh at me if I ask you a strange +question? Did it never occur to you to think of marrying again?' + +"The count gave a loud laugh. 'Well, I must say, you do ask searching +questions,' he said. 'You would like to do a good action before you go, +and see that your father is well provided for. Give it up, my son, give +it up! A second marriage is but a second folly; and if age cannot save +us from folly, youth at least, should not tempt us to it.' + +"'You are not speaking seriously, Sir;' returned Count Ernest; 'I have +found you younger this time than when I left you five years ago. If you +really should decide on settling here, only consider how a young +mistress would improve the place--one who would prevent your growing +old before your time; and when that time does come in good earnest, +would make those quiet years pleasant to you. I know that I leave you +in the best of hands,' he went on; 'our Flor is fidelity itself, but +you require more than she can do for you, and as I cannot tell when I +may come back, I--' + +"He stopped short, and I saw that he had some trouble to hide his +emotion. His father turned a searching look on him, and after a pause +he drily answered: 'Enough of this; I am very well as I am; and though +I may find other ways than you would, of combating dulness, I shall not +run to seed as you suppose. There are foxes enough to be shot, while my +hand can hold a gun; and when the end of all ends comes, I shall sit +down and write my memoirs, as a pattern to this generation of +propriety--that is, a pattern to be avoided.' + +"He now evidently expected his son to take his leave, but Count Ernest +stood still, with his eyes fixed on his father's face. Count Henry did +not seem to feel quite easy under them; he looked annoyed, and added, +as if in jest: 'Well, and don't these prospects please you? I do +believe you have a match all ready made for me, and intend to show me +that your talents in the diplomatic line are greater than I should have +supposed. May I ask who the lady is? I confess I am getting curious. Is +it young F., with her Madonna eyes, and her liberal portion of +freckles? or Comtesse C., with her shortened leg, and her never-ending +giggle, who would persuade herself and the world, (though the world +knows better), that she has not seen sixteen summers?' And so he went +on, through the list of all the young ladies in the neighbourhood, +caricaturing them with a few sharp strokes, but without succeeding in +moving a muscle of his son's countenance." + +"When he came to the end: 'You are on the wrong track, dear father,' he +said; 'It is no fine lady I am thinking of, nor should I like to see +any of these in this house, as its mistress. But there is a prize much +nearer home, that I should be glad to see you win. Have you really +never noticed the young lady who helps our Flor to rule the house? She +is fond of you, I know. Her passionate attachment to you has grown too +strong for her to conceal it even from herself.' + +"The count stood rooted to the ground, and I saw a dark frown gather on +his brow. But he always knew how to command himself. With a laugh that +did not come from his heart: 'Mort de ma vie!' he cried--'Mamsell +Gabrielle? Why, that would indeed be a triumph of the new school over +the old, if you have managed to discover more in these three weeks, +than I in the last two years!' + +"'To be candid with you. Sir,' said Count Ernest, 'I must honestly +confess that I did not discover this until last night--not, at least, +with any certainty. I was witness to the poor girl's struggle when her +brother wanted her to go with him, and I saw that it would be the death +of her to part from you.' + +"'Part from me!--stuff and nonsense!' cried his father. 'That brother +of hers startled her--he is a hard-headed fool. It was his coming here +so fast and furious, as if it were a matter of life and death, that +frightened the girl out of her senses. I tell you, you are mistaken. +And besides, who says she is to go? She is of age, and can do as she +likes; I mean to take care that she does--her free will shall be +protected.' + +"Another pause, and then the son: 'Are you sure she may not have to +suffer for being so protected? Let me own to you that I went over to X. +last night, to speak to this brother of hers. He told me how chivalrous +you had been, in defending his sister on one occasion, and also what +had been said about it at the time. If you do not intend to sacrifice +your protege's good name for ever, it is indeed high time to dismiss +her, or to give her a name that will effectually protect her. Dearest +father,' he continued while my master sat silent, angrily gnawing his +lip; 'Do not be angry with me for venturing to interfere with any of +your decisions. I have set my heart on seeing you in possession of this +good fortune, which has been so long within your reach, though you +would not see it. Of course, I do not know how you may feel towards +this young lady; whether you would care to see her go out alone into an +uncertain world--alone with her secret, her grief, and her love for +you. But if you really have one spark of feeling for her, why not take +a creature so fair and good, and make her your own for ever? If you do +decide in haste, I am certain that you will not repent at leisure.'" + +"All this time I had never taken my eyes off my darling's face, and I +saw it glowing and reddening, till his eyes were all glittering with +tears. + +"He was standing before his father, and had taken one of his hands in +his. 'Strange boy!' his father said; 'I do believe you mean it--you +would like to make me leap into this adventure blindfold, as my own +folly has often made me do in others. What is there about this girl to +make you plead her cause so passionately? And, when I come to think of +it, your proposal is not so utterly to be despised. I have only to +think of our highborn neighbours, and of their indignation when they +hear that Count ---- has married his housekeeper, to feel ready for the +wedding at once. It would be a satisfaction, but I am afraid it is a +satisfaction of which I must deprive myself. Not that there is anything +in your taste to be objected to--she comes of a respectable family, and +has manners that many a countess might envy her. Yet, it won't do, +Ernest, give it up--yes, I will talk to her brother; we will do all +that is right to be done, only do you go away now, and leave me to +myself for half an hour. Why,' he went on, as his son still kept hold +of his hand; 'are you not satisfied that I should have done this +proposal of yours the honor of thinking it worth a moment's +consideration? Enough of this! I say again. I acknowledge the kindness +of your heart, that would be glad to see me happy; but hearts are giddy +things, and are apt to come to their senses after it is too late.'" + +"And he talked on in this style, without ever once looking at his son. +Then he got up, went to the piano, struck a chord or two, went to the +window, and shut it hastily. + +"'There is something in this you will not tell me,' said his son. 'You +are disturbed. You have a reason you will not give me for not doing as +I request. I know your way of looking on these disparities of position; +therefore it is not that--and what else can it be? For I see by your +agitation that the young lady is not indifferent to you.' + +"He waited for an answer, in vain. 'I know,' at length he said, very +sadly, in a tone of deep dejection; 'I have never been so fortunate as +to find my way to your confidence, though, God knows, I have sought it +with all my heart; and I never regretted this so much as I do now, but +I have been forgetting myself--this conversation has lasted too long +already. You think it absurd that a son should take his father's +happiness to heart. I have only now to beg your pardon, and to say +good-bye.' + +"The count turned from the window to look at his son from head to foot, +as if he would read through him. + +"'Go out into the world, my son, and let the bitter blasts from the +so-called summits of society blow over your brains a while, and cool +down the effervescence of that strange fanciful heart of yours, and +blow away the last of your romantic prejudices. You will soon come and +thank me for not having consented to give you a young stepmother, and +perhaps a batch of younger brothers. Your fortune would never be +sufficient to enable you to move with ease in the society to which you +belong, if you had to divide it with a young stepmother, and possibly +with other children, far less if you gave it up to them, and had to +live on your mother's portion only. On the other hand, a woman I had +made a countess of, I should not choose to leave a beggar. Now, have I +spoken plainly? and do we understand each other?' + +"'We do;' slowly repeated Count Ernest, with a faltering voice; and +after a moment of meditation, he went up to the table, where among +other things there was an inkstand, and taking out a sheet of paper +from his father's portfolio, he wrote a line or two, standing where he +was. He had hardly finished, when the elder count came up. 'What on +earth are you about? what is this new fancy of yours?' he cried; 'I do +believe you are getting up a comedy. I hope you do not mean--' + +"'My dear father,' said Count Ernest, placing the written paper before +him: 'let me entreat you to do nothing hasty; see here, what I have +written; and if you really would make me happy before I go, and do me +the greatest favor, please put your seal and signature here, as a +ratification of mine. I have sometimes thought I must seem stranger to +you than any stranger; our ways of thinking are so different. At the +age when sons grow up to be their father's friends, I have been pained +to find how little I have been yours. You have given me this moment a +strong proof of your affection. But if you repent of it, if you would +annul it, and prove to me that I am still as far from understanding +you, or doing anything to make you happy, as my poor mother always +was,--then, I say,--destroy that paper.' + +"Count Henry took it, and I saw his hand tremble, as he held it up to +read it. 'Ernest,' he said; 'this is simply impossible; there never can +be any question of your giving up this property, to have it settled on +a stepmother and her heirs; it can't be done.'" + +"The paper fell upon the table, and the two stood side by side for a +minute without speaking, and that sunny room was still as death." + +"All at once we heard a quick step coming through the ante-chamber, and +Pierre came, out of breath, to say:" + +"'Monsieur le Comte! Is M. le Comte aware that Mamsell Gabrielle is +missing, and that the ranger's assistant met her before day-break, +walking on the road to X, and that Mamsell Flor Las been missed as +well, and looked for all over the house without being found?' + +"'The caleche to the door, this instant!' cried my master, snatching at +his hat, that lay on a chair. 'Stay,' he called after the man who was +already on the threshold; 'my horse--have it saddled and brought +round--allons!' + +"'I will accompany you, Sir, if I may,' said Count Ernest; 'as it is, I +am all ready for the road.' And he would have hurried away after the +servant, but his father held him back, looked in his face without +saying a word, and then suddenly folding him in his arms, they stood +for a moment heart to heart. After that I saw no more; my eyes were +running over, and everything was swimming before me. By the time I had +got them dry again--and that was not easy--the room was empty, and only +the paper on the table was there to tell me that it had not been all a +dream." + +"How I felt as I got down the winding staircase, you may fancy, +Sir;--when I had found the door again, groping about with my trembling +hands, and stepped out of the dark into the broad daylight again, I +felt as if it were a quite new world I was coming to. I heard the +horses' hoofs on the pavement of the court, and I saw from the window +father and son galloping over the bridge together, while the light +carriage that was going to fetch our Gabrielle, was driving gaily after +them in the morning sunshine." + +"Yes, Sir, and it was a pretty sight to see: that poor thing that had +stolen out of the house by the back-gate, before daybreak, and all +alone, coming back joyfully by the light of noonday, driving over the +great drawbridge, and her master on his grand horse, riding proudly by +her side, and him leaping from his saddle, to open the carriage-door, +and give her his arm to lead her up the steps! + +"And there was a still finer sight to be seen eight days after, when +there was a fine wedding at the castle. They were married in the great +saloon, and the dinner was downstairs in the hall; and there sat Count +Henry at the master's table, with his beautiful young wife, and her +brother; and all of us dined at the other table, with flowers and +wreaths all over, and the band from X. playing in the gallery. They +danced till long past twelve o'clock, and the young countess danced +with every one, from the steward to the assistant ranger, and it was +talked of all over the country, ever so long after. But to me, sir, the +best of all was wanting, and I cannot say that I felt really happy for +a single moment. For my dear Count Ernest had not returned with them +that morning, and I had not even been able to take leave of him!--And +all the time the band was playing, I could not keep from thinking of +him, at sea, on his way to Sweden, in that cold night, hearing nothing +but the salt waves beating against the ship, and the rough winds +blowing. + +"When the wedding gaieties were over, everything in the castle went on +as it had done before, only that we spoke of our gracious countess, +instead of Mamsell Gabrielle, and that the new-married pair rode out +every day, and that often when my master played, his young wife sang. + +"We had no visits, for those my master and mistress paid among the +families of the neighbourhood, were not returned; at which our master +only laughed, and indeed, it seemed as if nothing ever could succeed in +spoiling his temper again. If anything occurred among the servants, or +in the stables, which we would have been afraid to tell him formerly, +we had only to speak to the countess, who always knew how to make +things smooth, and to charm away his angry mood. + +"Only once, I heard her beg and beseech in vain. It was soon after New +Year's Day, the snow was very deep, and we lay buried among the woods, +as if we had been walled up. An invitation came from the grand duke to +a ball at court. It was a ball where all the grand folks of the whole +country came together. Last winter our master had gone there too, +though he was not in very high favor in that quarter. A court-lackey on +horseback had brought the invitation, my master and mistress were at +table, and I still see the count, as he pushed away his plate and rose, +and walked about the room. + +"'What an insult,'--he cried,--while his wife seemed anxious to quiet +him. 'They have not included my wife in this invitation;--and yet we +shall both do them the honor of going.' And in spite of all that the +countess could say or pray, he made the man come in, and ordered him to +take back his answer, that the count had accepted the invitation, both +for himself and his countess. + +"After that he seemed in particularly good spirits, and never minded +the countess's petitions, but kissed her forehead, and said: 'Don't you +be frightened, child. It is the first time, I ever returned an insult +with a favor; I choose to show them that you are their superior, and +you must not spoil my sport.' + +"And so it really came to my dressing my Gabrielle,--I mean my gracious +mistress,--for a ball. She wore a beautiful white satin dress, with a +wreath of scarlet and gold in her hair, and she looked like a queen." + +"'Comme une reine;' said Monsieur Pierre, who rode before the sledge +with a lantern; and sweet she did look, as she nodded to me out of her +veils and furs, to say good-bye, and my master, who drove himself, was +just cracking his whip to start." + +"I was quite in love with her myself, and sat up all that long night +awake by the fire, ready to receive her when she came home. I will not +weary you, sir, by repeating all I was thinking of the while. It made +me go to sleep myself, and I only waked towards morning at the noise of +the sledge bells. When I came running down, the count was already +leading his countess up to her room. Neither of them seemed tired at +all; they looked as bright and happy as if something particular had +occurred to please them. When he said good night, he took her tenderly +in his arms,--before me, sir, and all the servants,--held her there for +a minute, as if he had forgotten the whole world besides. I saw how +much moved she was, and I followed her into her room to help her to +undress. As soon as we were alone, she fell upon my neck in tears, and +as she always had treated me as a mother, she told me all that had +taken place. They had created a great sensation, when they came in, +later than the rest. The duchess, who was a very haughty woman, had not +said a word, when the count led her up and presented her as his wife. +But the young duke had been excessively courteous, and had opened the +ball with her, and had distinguished her more than all the other +ladies. She had felt completely at her ease, and I could easily see +that she had been the reigning beauty." + +"But to her great alarm, she had come upon that rude English lord, +standing at one of the card-tables, and only on seeing her husband so +indifferent and calm, had she been able to recover her self-possession. +After one of the dances, the count had led her into another room to +take some refreshment; and there he had introduced some gentlemen to +her. Meanwhile the Englishman had come in with some ladies, unobserved; +and he had raised his eye-glass with a fixed stare at her, and had said +quite out loud: 'For a chamber-maid, she is not without tournure.' +There had been a dead silence; the count had changed color, and soon +after he had said, in a tone of the greatest indifference: 'Look there, +Gabrielle, don't you see a striking likeness between that gentleman who +has just come in, and that illbred person who was once so rude to you, +and was served with a taste of my horsewhip and my pistols as the +consequence? I rather think the horse-whip would have been enough; +people who know him are apt to think him hardly worth the powder and +shot.'" + +"You can fancy, sir, how my poor countess felt when he said this. +However, she heard no more just then, for the duke came in to the +refreshment-room after his partner, and was politeness itself, and all +attention. I fancy more than one of these highborn ladies, must have +gone green and yellow with envy and jealousy. When the fete was over, +and my master and mistress took their leave, the English lord had +followed them in a very insulting manner, and when they came to the +staircase had whispered a word or two in the count's ear; who had then +stood still, and had answered quite loud enough to be heard by all the +footmen, and some of the court-gentlemen who were standing about: + +"'This time you will have to look for another player at that game, my +lord--I have found a prize since then, which I have no intention of +staking on one card: even if I were certain that the cards were not +false, as, they did say in the London clubs, some people are in the +habit of using. In case you should require any further satisfaction, my +horsewhip is still, as it was then, very much at your service.'" + +"And with that he had gone, and left the fellow standing. On their way +home, he had said to Gabrielle: 'I trust this is the last remnant of my +past life that will ever rise up to throw a shadow on my present +happiness. You alone are all my present and all my future, in this +world.' And he had said more of the like loving, heart-felt things that +kept her warmer in the cold and snow of that winter night than all her +furs." + +"From that time they lived alone, and were all and all to each other, +refusing every invitation that came from court--only now and then, they +took little journeys; though it was easy to see that they were always +happiest at home, among our solitary woods. The countess never changed +to me, and used always to tell me everything. The only thing we never +spoke of, was what had passed between us on that awful morning, when +she had wanted to go away--I never heard whether she confessed the real +reason to her husband. I rather think it likely that she did, for now +the count had a peculiar look of tenderness, whenever he mentioned his +absent son; even when he got a letter from Stockholm. When that +happened he would send for me upstairs, and talk to me of my darling, +and give me the love he never forgot to send me. Once or twice a year +he wrote to me himself; familiarly and kindly, as ever, but never a +word of what was most important to me--not a word of what he felt or +thought." + +"When he had been about two years away, he wrote to announce his +intended marriage with a highborn young lady in Sweden, and to ask for +his father's consent. To me he wrote, that he hoped I should not +withhold my blessing, as his bride was exactly such as I would have +chosen for him myself. And afterwards he sent me her picture;--an +angel's face; all gentleness and goodness. Before I had seen it, I used +sometimes to torment myself with thinking that he had only made up his +mind to marry, in order to set his father's mind at rest. But I knew, +those great clear, innocent eyes of hers, must have found their way to +his heart." + +"Then came accounts of the wedding, and of their beautiful wedding-tour +among the mountains. You will hardly believe it, sir, but even then the +young countess found time and thoughts to spare for poor old Flor. She +wrote to thank me, for having taken such care of her Ernest all his +life, she said. But there was no word of their coming back to Germany, +especially after the pair of twins was born--which event was an +occasion of great rejoicing here in this castle. The count used to talk +of going to Sweden, and taking me along with them; and you will believe +that my head was turned by the thoughts of such a journey, and such a +meeting." + +"But it is not for us to number our days--many an old cripple, or +useless pensioner, has to stand sentinel a weary while, watching for +the call, and waiting to be relieved. And other lives, on which a whole +world of happiness hangs, are taken--we do not know how or why." + +"One day Count Henry was carried home for dead. He had been thrown from +his horse, and had received some internal injury, which no doctor was +able to discover. He came to himself again, but only with a faint light +of consciousness or memory. He knew the countess and me, but no one +else--Pierre he would not suffer in the room at all. He took him for a +rat, and cried incessantly; 'Take it away!--catch it!--set a trap for +it!--it has gnawed away my wedding-garment. See what a hole it has +bitten in it!'" + +"And then he would call upon his son so movingly, it was impossible to +hear him without tears. The countess had written immediately to Count +Ernest, to tell him the state in which his father was; I only feared he +might come too late." + +"Do not ask me, Sir, to describe those days, and the nights we had to +live through, nor the heart-rending sight it was to see that young +wife, who never uttered one word of complaint, but rather was a support +to us all. On the twelfth day, the young count came. We had hardly +expected him so soon, and we were almost startled when he entered the +sick room." + +"As soon as he heard the door open, my master waked up from the +lethargy in which he had been lying, and sat up, and in a voice which I +shall hear all my life, he cried: 'Ernest, my son!' and burst into a +passion of tears, and wept as though his spirit were passing away +through his eyes. After that he became surprisingly cheerful and +sensible, and lay quietly, holding his son's hand in his. He talked +again without rambling; so for one moment we hoped the worst was over, +and the turn taken towards getting better. But ten minutes after, his +eyes grew dim again; he gave one look at his countess, and said: +'Ernest will take care of you.' He was going to say something to his +son as well, when he fell back and was gone." + +"You must excuse me, Sir, for telling you all this so particularly, but +you must let me say a few words more, to tell you how it ended. Alas! +the end came soon enough! The very day after the funeral Count Ernest +went away again, after having done all that could be done, by seals and +documents, to make the countess complete mistress of the whole. For +they had found no will. Count Henry knew well enough that he had only +to say; 'Ernest will provide for you,' to close his eyes in peace." + +"'If there is anything I can do for you, I beg you to command me in +every way;' my dear Count Ernest had said to his stepmother before he +went. 'If you should ever find this solitude too much for you, I hope +you will remember that my wife is waiting to receive you with open +arms.'" + +"She looked at him affectionately, and held out her hand, which he +respectfully took and kissed." + +"'You are well cared for;' he said in a low voice; 'I leave you with my +own faithful Flor--I only beg you will bring her with you, when you +come to Sweden.'" + +"Of course this was more than I could hear with dry eyes. So I threw my +apron over my face, and ran away--but in the passage he held me fast, +and kissed me quite vehemently, and I felt how his heart was beating, +and the hot tears from his eyes came dripping on my grey hairs." + +"'My boy, my Ernest, my dearest master!' I said;--'God bless you for +having come! as He has already blessed you for your truth and +tenderness. He did not take your father until you had heard from his +dying lips, that he well knew what a son he was leaving. Go, and God be +with you! Give old Flor's love to your countess, and to the darling +children; tell them that Flor has no other wish on earth, but that the +whole world might know Count Ernest's heart as she knows it, and then +the whole world would be ready to lay their hands beneath your feet, as +she is.'" + +"He broke away from me, and ordered his horses to meet him at the top +of the walk that leads up the forest--He walked on before, and I heard +people say that he had wandered about the forest, taking leave of the +spots he loved, and now looked upon for the last time. So even at that +time he must have resolved never to return. He could not be happy again +in his old home." + +"And so I knew that I had taken leave of him for ever. I would have +fretted still more about it, only I was so taken up with my mistress. +She pined away; white and quiet, and without a murmur. It was just as +if strong hands were dragging her down into her husband's grave. Even +dead, that proud man ruled her. When I wrote the sad tidings to Count +Ernest--it is hardly a year ago--he answered me immediately; he said I +was to go to them, at all events; and the young countess wrote and +begged me, as hard as one can beg. My Ernest had given up his post, and +settled where they are living still, on a very fine estate among the +hills, close by the sea, where I suppose it must be beautiful." + +"'I would come myself to fetch you,' he wrote; 'only I am too +conscientious in my duties as a husband and a husbandman, to go from +home in harvest-time.'" + +"He did not like to give his real reason. But all this melted me, and I +got my bits of things together, and gave over my keys to the new +steward. The countess's brother had a pride of his own, and never would +have anything to do with her inheritance; and so, one fine morning, I +really was quite ready to go, and drove away. But when I got to that +road in the hollow, to the place where one can see these chimney tops +just peeping above the woods, my heart failed me all at once, and I +jumped out of the carriage, and ran home as if the fiends had hunted +me. And when I got back into our court, I felt as if I had been a +hundred years away." + +"Ah! Sir, it is no good transplanting a rotten tree!--it should be left +standing where it grew, waiting for the axe. Heaven knows, I would +gladly give the few years I have to live to see my Ernest's children +only once; to take them in my arms, and hug those darling babes; but I +know I could never be dragged so far. They would have to bury me in the +sea, and my ghost would walk the wild salt waves, and never rest in +peace." + +"How different here, where our own pleasant woods are shading the +graves where my master and mistress are lying side by side. The birds +singing among the branches, and the deer grazing peacefully round the +two grave-stones that bear their names." + +"When old Flor's weary eyes are closed, and there is no one alive to +tend them, they will soon be overgrown with moss and brushwood; and in +the woods where these two hid their happiness from the world, their +rest is hidden--and there, please God, shall mine be." + + + + + + BLIND. + + + + + + BLIND. + + + + + CHAPTER I. + + +At a window which opened over a little flower-garden, stood the blind +daughter of the village sexton, and sought revival from the wind as it +blew over her hot face. The delicate half-grown figure shook, and the +small cold hands lay clasped upon the windowsill. + +Farther back in the room, sat a blind boy, on a stool before the old +spinet, playing restless melodies. He might be about fifteen; scarcely +a year older than the girl. No one who saw and heard him, as he lifted +up his large open eyes, or bent his head towards the window, could have +guessed him to be so afflicted--there was so much security, nay, +vehemence, in his movements. + +He broke off suddenly, in the midst of a sacred song that had been +running wild beneath his fingers. + +"Did you sigh, Marlene?" he asked, without turning his head. + +"Not I, Clement; what should I sigh for? I only started when the wind +burst in so suddenly." + +"But sigh you did! Do you think I do not hear you when I play? When you +shiver, I feel it even here." + +"Yes, it is cold now." + +"You don't deceive me! If you were only cold, you would not be standing +there at the window. And I know what makes you sigh and tremble; you +are afraid because the doctor is to come to-morrow and pierce our eyes +with needles. Yet he told us how quickly it is done, and that it is +only like the sting of a gnat. You used to be so brave and patient. +When I was little, and used to cry when I was hurt, were not you always +held up as a pattern to me by my mother, though you are only a girl. +And now you cannot find your courage, and do not in the least think of +all the joy that is to come after." + +She shook her head. "Can you believe me to be afraid of so short a +pain? And yet I am oppressed by foolish childish fancies, from which I +cannot see my way. From that day when the strange doctor for whom the +baron sent, came down from the great house to see your father, and your +mother called us in to him from the garden--from that hour there has +been a weight upon me which will not go. You were so glad, you took no +notice; but when your father knelt down, and began to return thanks to +God for this great mercy, my heart was dumb within me, and I could not +join. I tried to find a reason for being thankful, but I could feel +none." + +She said this very quietly, and her voice was steady. He struck +a few gentle chords. Between the hoarse jarring tones peculiar +to such old instruments, sounded the distant song of returning +labourers--contrasting, as did that life, in its plenitude of light and +power, with the dream-life of these two blind children. + +The boy appeared to feel it; he rose hastily, and went to the +window with unerring step--for he knew that room and everything it +contained--and, tossing back his fine fair curls, he said: + +"You are fanciful, Marlene; our fathers and mothers and all the village +wish us joy, and should it not be joy?--before they promised this, I +did not mind. We are blind, they say; I never knew what it was we +wanted. When visitors used to come and see my mother, and we heard them +pity us, and say; 'Ah, those poor children!' I used to get so angry. +What right have they to pity us? I thought. Still, I always knew that +we are not like other people. They often spoke of things I did not +understand, but yet which must be lovely; now that we are to know these +too, curiosity has taken hold of me, and will not let me rest night or +day." + +"I was quite content before;" said Marlene, sadly. "I was happy, and +could have been happy all my life--now it will be different. Do you +never hear people complain of care and trouble? and what did we know of +care?" + +"That was because we did not know the world; and I want to know it, at +whatever risk. I too have been contented to grope about with you, and +to be left in idleness--but not for ever. I will have no advantage over +those who have to work. Sometimes, when my father used to teach us +history, and tell us of all the heroes and their doings, I would ask +him if any of these were blind? But every man who had done anything to +speak of, could see. The like thoughts would keep tormenting me for +days. Then, when I was at my music, or was allowed to play the organ in +your father's place, I would forget my grievances. Again, I often +thought; 'Am I eternally to play this organ, and walk these few hundred +steps about this village here for ever? and beyond this village, never +to be heard of by one living soul, or spoken of when I am dead?' You +see, since that doctor has been up there at the castle, I have had a +hope of growing up to be a man like other men--and to be able to go out +into the wide world, and go where I please, and have nobody to mind." + +"Not even me, Clement?" She spoke without complaint or reproach, but +the boy broke out passionately: + +"How can you talk such stuff, which you know I can't abide? Do you +think I would go away and leave you all alone? or steal from home in +secret? Do you think I could do that?" + +"I know how it is. When the village-lads begin their wanderings, or go +away to town, nobody ever may go with them, not even their own sisters; +and here, while they are children still, the boys run away from the +girls whenever they come near them. Till now they let you stay with me, +and we learned and played together; you were blind, as I was--what +should you have done with other boys? But when you see, and wish to +stay with me, they will mock you, and hoot after you, as they do to all +who do not hold to them; and then you will go away, for ever so long a +time, perhaps--and I--how shall I ever learn to do without you?" + +The last words were spoken with an effort, and then her terrors +overcame her, and she sobbed aloud. + +Clement drew her towards him, and stroked her cheeks, and said with +earnest tenderness: "Yon must not cry; I am not going to leave +you--never--rather remain blind and forget the rest. I will not leave +you if it makes you cry so. Come now, be calm; do be glad!--you must +not heat yourself, the doctor said; it is not good for the eyes, dear +darling Marlene!" + +He took her in his arms, and clasped her close, and kissed her cheek--a +thing he had never done before. Just then he heard his mother calling +to him from the vicarage close by; and leading the still weeping girl +to a chair by the wall, and seating her upon it, he hurried out. + +Shortly after, a venerable pair might be seen walking down the hill, +from the great house towards the village. The vicar, a tall and stately +form, with all the power and majesty of an apostle; and the sexton, a +simple slight-built man, with humble gait and hair already white. Both +had been invited to pass the afternoon with the lord of the manor and +the doctor, whom he had sent for from the adjacent town, for the +purpose of examining the children's eyes and attempting an operation. +The doctor had repeatedly assured the two delighted fathers, that he +had every reasonable hope of a perfect cure; and he had requested them +to hold themselves in readiness for the morrow. + +It was the mother's business to prepare what was needful in the +vicarage. The children were not to be parted on the day appointed to +restore to both the light, of which, together, they had been so long +deprived. + +When the two fathers reached their homes (they were opposite +neighbours), the vicar gave his old friend's hand a squeeze, and +said, with glistening eyes: "God be with them and us!"--and then they +parted. The sexton went into his house, where all was quiet, for the +servant-girl was in the garden. He went into his room, rejoicing in the +stillness that made him feel alone with his God. But when he crossed +the threshold he was startled by his child. She had risen from her +chair, holding her handkerchief to her eyes, her bosom heaving, as if +in spasms, her cheeks and lips dead white. He sought to comfort her; +begging her to be composed, and anxiously enquiring what had happened? +Tears were her only answer--tears which, even to herself, she could not +have explained. + + + + + CHAPTER II. + + +The children had been laid in two small rooms with a northern aspect, +in the upper story of the vicarage. In default of shutters, the windows +had been carefully hung with shawls, making soft twilight of the +brightest noonday. The vicar's quiet extensive orchard, while it gave +the walls abundant shade, kept off the din of village life beyond. + +The doctor had enjoined extreme precaution, for the girl especially. As +far as depended upon himself, the operation had proved successful. In +solitude and silence. Nature must be left to do the rest. The young +girl's temperament was so excitable as to require the utmost care, and +most attentive watching. + +At the decisive hour Marlene had not flinched; and when her mother had +burst into tears on first hearing the doctor's step on the threshold, +she had gone up to her to comfort her. + +The doctor began the operation with the boy. Though somewhat agitated, +he had seated himself bravely, and borne it well. At first he would not +suffer himself to be held, and only yielded to Marlene's entreaties. +When, for a second, the doctor removed his hand from his unveiled eyes, +he had raised a cry of surprise and delight. + +Marlene started; then she too proceeded to undergo the ordeal without a +murmur. Tears gushed from her eyes, and she shook from head to foot, +hastily tying on the bandage. The doctor helped them to carry her into +the adjoining room, for her knees knocked together, and she could +hardly stand. There, stretched on her little conch, she had a long +alternation of sleep and faintness; while the boy declared himself to +be quite well, and only his father's serious orders induced him to go +to bed. To go to sleep was not so easy. Confused visions of forms and +colors,--colors for the first time,--flitted across his brain; +mysterious forms that had as yet been nothing to him, and were now to +be so much, if those were right who wished him joy. He asked a thousand +questions while his father and mother sat by his bedside--riddles not +yet expounded by the deepest science. For what can science tell us, +after all, of the hidden springs of life? His father entreated +him to be patient; with God's help, ere long, he would be able to +resolve these doubts himself; at present, quiet was the one thing +needful--especially to Marlene, whom he must not wake by talking. This +silenced him, and listening at the wall, he whispered a petition that +the door between them might be left ajar, in order that he might hear +whether she slept or if she was in pain. When his mother had done his +bidding, he lay quite still, and listened to the breathing of his +little sleeping friend; and the quiet rhythm as it rose and fell, sang +him like a lullaby to sleep. + +Thus they lay for hours. The village was much more still than usual. +Those who had to pass the vicarage with carts, took every possible +precaution against noise. Even the village-children, warned, most +likely, by their master, in place of running riot on coming out of +school as usual, went quietly by in couples to their remotest +playgrounds, whispering as they passed, and looking up at the house +with wistful eyes. The birds alone among the branches did not hush +their song. But when did a bird's voice ever vex or weary child of man, +be he ever so sorely in need of rest? + +Only by the bells of the homebound flocks, were the children at last +awakened. The boy's first question was for Marlene, and whether she had +been asking for him? He called to her in a suppressed tone, and asked +her how she felt? That heavy sleep has not restored her, and her eyes +are burning under the slight handkerchief that binds them. But she does +violence to her sensations, and forces herself to answer that she feels +much better, and to talk cheerfully to Clement, who now gives utterance +to all the wildest speculations of his fancy. + +Late, when the moon stands high above the woods, a shy small childish +hand is heard to knock at the vicarage door. The little village-girls +have brought a garland for Marlene; woven from their choicest +garden-flowers, and a bunch of them for Clement. When they are brought, +the boy's whole countenance lightens up. "Give them my kindest thanks," +he begs; "they are such kind good girls! I am not well yet, but when I +have my sight, I shall always be on their side, and help them against +the boys." When the wreath was brought to Marlene, she pushed it gently +from her with her small pale hands. "I cannot have it here," she said; +"it makes me faint, dear mother, to have these flowers so near--give +these to Clement too." + +Again she sank into a sort of feverish slumber; only the healing +approach of day brought something like repose. And the doctor, who came +in the morning very early, was able to pronounce her out of danger, +which indeed was more than he had hoped for. He sat long by the boy's +bedside, listening to his strange questions with a smile, benevolently +admonishing him to patience; and, filled with the most sanguine hopes, +he left them. + +But to be admonished to quiet and patience after one has had a glimpse +of the promised land! In each interval of his duties, his father had to +go upstairs to that little room and talk. And the door was left ajar, +that Marlene too might hear these charming stories. Legends of godly +men and women, to whom the Lord had sent most heavy trials, and then +withdrawn them. The story of poor Henry, and of that pious little +maiden who would have sacrificed herself in her humility; and how God +had guided all to the most blissful consummation; and as many of such +edifying histories as the worthy pastor could find to unfold. + +And when on the good man's lips, story would unconsciously turn to +prayer; or his wife would raise her clear voice in a hymn of +thanksgiving, Clement would fold his hands and join--but he would so +soon break in with fresh enquiries, as to prove his mind to have been +far more present with the story than with the song. + +Marlene asked no questions; she was kind and cheerful to every one, and +no one guessed the thoughts and questions that were working in her +mind. + +They recovered visibly from day to day; and on the fourth, the doctor +allowed them to get up. He himself supported the young girl, as, all +weak and trembling, she crept towards the door, where the boy stood +joyously holding out a searching hand for hers, and then holding hers +fast, he bid her lean on him, which she did in her usual confiding way. + +They paced up and down--he with the perceptions of locality peculiar to +the blind, guiding her carefully past the chairs and cupboards that +stood against the walls. "How do you feel now?" he asked her. "Well;" +she answered again--and always. + +"Come," he said; "lean heavier on me; you are so weak. It would do you +good to breathe the air, and the scent of the flowery meadows; it is so +close and heavy here. Only the doctor says it might be dangerous; our +eyes might get sore again, and even blind, if we were to see the light +too soon. Ah! now I know the difference between light and darkness! No +sound in music is so sweet as that feeling of space about the eyes. It +did hurt me rather, I must confess; yet I could have gazed for ever at +those bright colors--the pain was so beautiful (you will soon feel it +also). But it will be many a long day before we are allowed to enjoy +that pleasure. At first, I know I shall do nothing but look all day +long. One thing I should like to know, Marlene; they tell us each thing +has its color--now what is the color of your face and mine? I should so +like to know--bright or dark? Would not it be disagreeable if they +should not be bright and fair? I wonder whether I shall know you with +my eyes? Now when I only feel with the tip of this little finger, I +could distinguish you from every other human being in the world. + +"But then!--ah! then we shall have to begin again. We must learn to +know each other by sight. Now, I know that your cheeks and hair are +soft to touch--will they be soft to look at? I do so long to know, and +have so long to wait!" In this way he would run on, talking +unceasingly. How silently she walked by his side, he never noticed. +Many of his words sank deep into her heart. It had never yet occurred +to her that she should see herself as others saw her--she could hardly +fancy that could be. She had heard of mirrors, but she never had been +able to understand them. She now imagined that when a seeing person's +eyes are opened, his own image must stand before him. + +Now as she lay in bed, her mother believing her to be asleep, the words +recurred to her again: "It would be disagreeable if we should find our +faces dark!" She had heard of ugliness and beauty; she knew that ugly +people were generally much pitied, and often less loved. "If I should +be ugly," she said to herself, "and he were to care less for me! He +used to play with my hair and call it silk--he will never do that now, +if he finds me ugly. And he?--if _he_ should happen to be ugly, I never +would let him feel it--never! I should love him just the same. Yet, no; +_he_ cannot be ugly--not he. I know he is not." Thus she brooded long, +lost in care and curiosity. The weather was hot and close. From the +garden the nightingale was heard complaining, while fitful gusts of +west wind came rattling at the windowpanes. She was all alone in her +room. Her mother, who till now had slept beside her, had had her bed +removed, to lessen the heat within that narrow space. It was +unnecessary to watch her now, they thought, as all feverish symptoms +were supposed to have disappeared. This night, however, they did return +again, and kept her tossing restlessly until long after midnight. Then +sleep, though steep dull and broken, had taken pity on her, and come to +close her weary eyelids. + +Meanwhile the storm that had been encircling the horizon half the day, +threatening and growling, had arisen with might, gathered itself just +above the wood, and paused--even the wind had ceased. Now a heavy crash +of thunder breaks over the young girl's slumbers. She starts up, half +dreaming still--what it is she feels or wants, she hardly knows; +impelled by some vague terror, she rises to her feet. Her pillows seem +to burn her. Standing by her bed, she listens to the pattering rain +without; but it does not cool her fevered brow. She tries to collect +her thoughts--to remember what had passed. She can recall nothing but +those melancholy fancies with which she had fallen asleep. A hasty +resolution forms and ripens in her mind. She will go to Clement; he too +is alone--what is to prevent her resolving all her doubts at once, by +one look at him and at herself? Possessed by this idea, the doctor's +injunctions are all forgotten. Just as she had left her couch, with +groping trembling hands, she finds the door which stands half open; +feeling for the bed, she steals on tiptoe to the sleeper's side; +holding her breath, bending forward where he lies, she tears the +bandage from her eyes. + +But how is she terrified to find that all is as dark as ever. She had +forgotten that it was night, and that she had been told night makes all +men blind. She had believed it was the light streaming from a seeing +eye that lighted up itself and other objects round it. She can +distinguish nothing, although she feels the boy's soft breath upon her +eyelids. In distress, almost in despair, she is about to leave the +room, when a sudden flash of lightning flames through the now less +carefully darkened panes; a second, and then a third--the whole +atmosphere seems to surge with lurid light. Thunder and rain increase +their roar. But she stands motionless, her rapt gaze fastened on the +curly head before her, resting so peacefully upon its pillows. Then the +picture begins to fade--the water gushes from her eyes; seized with +unutterable terror, she takes refuge in her room, and hastily replacing +the bandage, she throws herself upon her bed. She knows--she feels +irrevocably--her eyes have looked and seen for the first time--and for +the last! + + + + + CHAPTER III. + + +Weeks have passed--the young powers of these eyes are to be tried by +the light of day. The doctor, who, from the adjacent town where he +lived, had hitherto directed the children's simple treatment, had come +over on a bright unclouded day, to be present, and with his patients to +enjoy, the first fruits of his skill. + +Green wreaths in lieu of curtains had been hung about the windows, and +both rooms festively adorned with flowers and foliage. The baron +himself, and from the village the nearer friends of both the families, +had assembled to wish parents and children joy, and to rejoice in the +happy wonder of the cure. + +When Clement, scarlet with delight, was placed before Marlene, and took +her hand, in shy terror she had half hidden herself in a corner behind +some foliage. He had begged to be allowed to see her first--both +bandages had been loosened at the same moment. A cry of speechless +rapture had sounded from the boy's lips; he remained rigid on the same +spot, a beatified smile upon his lips, turning his flashing eyes on +every side. He has forgotten that Marlene was to be placed before him; +(he had yet to learn what the human form is like,) and she did nothing +to recall it to him. She stood motionless. Only her long lashes +quivered over her large clear brown passive eyes. No suspicions were +awakened yet. "Those unknown wonders of sight are strange to her," they +said. But when the boy broke out into this sadden rapture, and they +said to him, "This is Marlene," and in his old way he had felt for her +cheek with his hand, and stroked it, saying, "Your face is bright;" +then her tears gushed out. She hastily shook her head, and said, almost +inaudibly--"It is all dark; it is just as it always was!" + +The horror of that first moment who shall describe? The agitated doctor +drew her towards the window, and proceeded to examine her eyes; the +pupils were not to be distinguished from seeing ones, save by their +lifeless melancholy fixedness. "The nerve is dead!" he said; "some +sadden shock, or vivid light must have destroyed it." The sexton's wife +tamed white, and fell fainting in her husband's arms. Clement could +hardly gather what was passing--his mind was filled with the new life +given him. But Marlene lay bathed in tears, and returned no answer to +the doctor's questions. Nothing was ever learned from her; she could +not tell how it had happened, she said; she begged to be forgiven +for her childish weeping. She could bear all that was appointed for +her--she had never known a happier lot. + +Clement was beside himself when the extent of her misfortune was made +known to him. "You shall see too!" he cried, running to her; "I do not +care to see if you do not! It cannot be so hopeless yet. Ah, now I know +what it is you lose! Seeing would be nothing; it is that everybody else +has eyes, that look so kindly on us--and so shall you see them look on +you! Only have patience, and do not cry!" And then he turned to the +doctor, and with tears, implored him to cure Marlene. Large tears stood +in the good doctor's eyes; he could scarcely so far compose himself as +to bid the boy first be careful of himself; meanwhile he would see what +could be done; he was forced to leave him a ray of hope to spare him +dangerous agitation. + +From the disconsolate parents, however, he did not withhold the truth. + +The boy's grief had been some comfort to Marlene. As she was sitting by +the window she called him to her: "You must not be so grieved," she +said; "it is the will of God. Rejoice, as I rejoice, that you are +cured. You know I never cared so much; I could have been contented as +it was. If only father and mother would not mind!--but they will get +used to it again, and so will you. If you will only love me just as +well now that I am to remain as I was, we may still be very happy." + +But he was not so easily to be comforted, and the doctor had to insist +on their being parted. Clement was taken into the larger room, where +the villagers came pressing round him, shaking hands with him by turns, +with cordial words and wishes. The crowd half stunned him, and he only +kept repeating: "Marlene is still blind; she will never see! have you +heard?" he would say, and burst into tears afresh. + +It was high time to tie the bandage on again, and lead him to his own +cool quiet room--there he lay exhausted with joy and grief and weeping. +His father came to him, and spoke tenderly and piously; which did not +much avail him. He cried even in his sleep, and appeared to be +disturbed by distressing dreams. + +On the following day, however, wonder, joy, and curiosity asserted +their rights again; sorrow for Marlene only appeared to touch him +nearly when he had her before his eyes. The first thing in the morning +he had been to see her, and with affectionate anxiety to enquire +whether she felt no change--no more hopeful symptom? Then he became +absorbed in the variegated world that was expanding before his eyes. +When he returned to Marlene, it was only to describe some new wonder to +her, although sometimes, in his fullest flow of narrative, he would +stop suddenly, reminded by a look at the poor little friend beside him, +how painful to her his joy must be. But in reality, she did not find it +painful. For herself she wanted nothing--listening to the enthusiasm of +his delight was joy enough for her. Only when by-and-by he came more +rarely, or remained silent, for the reason that all he could have said, +appeared as nothing to what he did not dare to say--only then she began +to feel uneasy. Hitherto, by day, she had hardly ever been without him, +but now she often sat alone. Her mother would come to keep her company; +but her mother, once so lively, in losing her dearest hope, had also +lost her cheerfulness. + +She could find nothing to say to her child save words of comfort, which +her own sighs belied, and which therefore could not reach her heart. +How much of what the young girl now was suffering had she not foreseen +with terror! And yet the feeling of what she had lost, came upon her +with pangs of unknown bitterness. + +She would still sit spinning in her father's garden, and when Clement +came, these poor blind eyes of hers would light up strangely. He was +always kind, and would sit beside her, stroking her hair and cheek as +he had done of old. Once she entreated him not to be so silent--she +felt no touch of envy when he told her what the world was like, and +what it daily taught him; but when he left her to herself, she felt so +lonely! Never, by word or look, did she remind him of that evening when +he had promised he would never leave her--such hopes as these she had +long resigned. And since he had nothing to conceal from her, he +appeared to love her twice as well. + +In the fullness of his heart, he would sit for hours telling her of the +sun and moon and stars; of all the trees and flowers; and especially +how their parents looked, and they themselves. To her very heart's +core, she felt a thrill of joy, when he innocently told her that she +was fairer far than all the village maidens; he described her as tall +and slender; with delicately-chiselled features, and dark eyebrows. He +had also seen himself, he said, in the glass; but he was not nearly so +good-looking--men in general were not, by a great deal, so handsome as +women. All this was more than she could quite comprehend; only so much +she did: her own looks pleased him, and more than this her heart did +not desire. + +They did not again return to this topic; but on the beauties of nature +he was perfectly inexhaustible. When he was gone, she would recall his +words, and feel a kind of jealousy of a world that robbed her of him. +In secret this childish feeling grew and strengthened--growing stronger +even than the pleasure she had felt in his delight. Above all, she +began to hate the sun; for the sun, he told her, was brighter than all +created things besides. In her dim conceptions, brightness and beauty +were the same; and never did she feel so disheartened as when, towards +evening, he sat beside her, intoxicated with delight, watching the sun +go down. Of herself he had never spoken in such words--and did this +sight so cause him to forget her that he did not even see the tears +that started to her eyes--tears of vexation, and of a curious kind of +jealous grievance? + +Her heart grew heavier still, when, with the doctor's sanction, the +vicar began the education of his son. Before his eyes had been couched, +the greater part of his day had been spent in practising his music. +Bible teaching, something of history and mathematics, and a trifle of +Latin, was all that formerly had been considered needful. In all those +lessons, not extending beyond the most conventional acquirements, +Marlene had taken a part. + +Now that the boy manifested a very decided taste for natural history, +his time was filled up in earnest; preparing him for one of the higher +classes of a school in the neighbouring town. With a firm unwearying +will, and his natural dispositions aiding, he laboured through all that +had been omitted in his education, and soon attained the level of his +years. For many an hour together, he would sit in the sexton's garden +with his book; but there was now no question of their former chat. +Marlene felt her twofold loss--her lessons and her friend. + + + + + CHAPTER IV. + + +The autumn came, and with it a few days' pause in the lad's studies. +The vicar had resolved to take his son, before the winter, on an +excursion among the mountains; to shew him the hills and dales, and +give him a deeper insight into a world that already had seemed so fair, +even upon the meagre plains around their village. + +When the boy first heard of it; "Marlene must go with us," he said. +They attempted to dissuade him, but he refused to go without her. "What +if she cannot see?" he said; "The mountain-air is strengthening, and +she has been so pale and weak, and she falls into anxious fancies when +I am away." + +They did his bidding therefore; the young girl was lifted into the +carriage beside Clement and his parents, and one short day's journey +brought them to the foot of the mountain-chain. Here commenced their +wanderings on foot. Patiently the boy conducted his little friend, now +more reserved than ever. He often felt a wish to climb some solitary +peak that promised a fresh expanse of view, but he led her wherever she +wished to go, and would not give up the charge, often as his parents +would have relieved him of it. + +Only when they had reached a height, or were resting in some shady +spot, would he leave the young girl's side; seeking his own path among +the most perilous rocks, he would go collecting stones or plants not to +be found below. Then when he returned to the resting party, he had +always something to bring Marlene--some berries, a sweet-scented +flower, or some soft bird's-nest blown from the trees by the wind. + +She would accept them with gentle thanks; she appeared to be more +contented than at home, and she really was so, for all day long she +breathed the same air with him. But, her foolish jealousies went with +her. She felt angry at the mountains, whose autumn glory, as she +believed, endeared the world still more to him, and estranged him more +from her. + +At last the vicar's wife was struck by her strange ways. She would +occasionally consult her husband about the child, who was as dear to +both as if she had been their own. Her obstinate dejection was +attributed by both to the disappointment of her hopes of sight; and yet +the young girl felt no pain in losing that which had only been promised +to her, or depicted to her fancy--it was all in the loss of what she +had already known; of what had been her own. + +On the second evening of their journey they halted at a solitary inn, +celebrated from its situation close to a waterfall. Their wanderings +had been long, and the women were very weary. As soon as they reached +the house, the vicar took in his wife before going on farther to the +cleft, from whence they already heard the roaring of the water. Marlene +was quite exhausted, yet she would persist in following Clement, who +felt no want of rest. They climbed the remaining steps, and louder and +nearer sounded the tumult of the waters. Midway up the narrow path +Marlene's remaining strength gave way. "Let me sit down here," she +said, "while you go on, and fetch me when you have looked long enough." +He offered to lead her home before going farther, but she was already +seated, so he left her and went on, following the sound; touched at +once, and charmed with the solitude and majesty of the spot. + +Seated upon a stone, the young girl began to long for his return. "He +will never come!" she thought. A chill crept over her, and the dull +distant thunder of the falls gave her a shudder. + +"Why does he not come?" she said; "he will have forgotten me in his +delight, as he always does. If I could only find the way back to the +house that I might get warm again!" And so she sat and listened to +every distant sound. Now she thought she heard him calling to her; +trembling, she rose--what was she to do? Involuntarily she tried a +step, but her foot slipped, and she staggered and fell. Fortunately the +stones on the path were all overgrown with moss. Still the fall +terrified her, and losing all self-command, she screamed for help; but +her voice was unable to reach across the chasm to Clement, who was +standing on the edge, in the very midst of the uproar, and the house +was too far off. A sharp pain cut to her heart, as she lay among the +stones, helpless and deserted. Tears of desperation started to her +eyes, as she rose with difficulty. What she most dearly loved seemed +hateful to her now--her heart was too fall of bitterness even to feel +that an all-seeing God was nigh. Thus Clement found her; when for her +sake he had torn himself with an effort from the spell of so +magnificent a scene. + +"I am coming!" he called to her from a distance. "It is lucky that you +did not come with us--the place was so narrow, one false step would +have been enough to kill you. The water falls so far, deep down, and +roars and rushes, and rises again in clouds of spray, it makes one +giddy. Only feel how it has powdered me. But how is this? You are cold +as ice, and your lips are trembling. Come, it was very wrong of me to +leave you sitting out so late in the cold! God forbid that it should +make you ill!" + +She suffered herself to be led back in perverse silence. The vicar's +wife was much alarmed at seeing the child's sweet countenance so +distorted and disturbed. They prepared some warm drink for her in +haste, and made her go to bed without being able to learn more than +that she felt unwell. + +And in truth she did feel ill--so ill that she wished to die. Life +that had already proved itself so adverse, had also become odious to +her. She lay there, giving full vent to her impious rancorous +thoughts, wilfully destroying the last links that bound her to her +fellow-creatures. "I will go up there to-morrow;" she said to herself, +in her dark brooding. "He himself shall take me to the spot where one +false step may kill me. My death will not kill him. Why should he have +to bear my burden longer?--he has only borne it out of pity." + +This guilty thought wound close and closer round her heart. What had +become of her natural disposition, so tender and transparent, during +those last few months of inward struggle? She even dwelt without +remorse on the consequences of her crime. "They will get used to it, as +they have got used to my being blind; he will not always have the +picture of my misery before his eyes, to spoil his pleasure in this +beautiful world of his!" This last reflexion invariably came to +strengthen her resolves, when a doubt would arise to combat them. + +The vicar and his wife were in the adjoining room, separated from hers +by a thin partition. Clement still lingered out of doors, under the +trees; he could not part from the stars and mountains, or shut out the +distant music of the waters. + +"It distresses me to see how Marlene pines and falls away," said his +mother. "If the slightest causes agitate her so, she will be soon worn +out. If you would only talk to her, and tell her not to make herself so +miserable about a misfortune that cannot be repaired." + +"I am afraid it would be useless;" returned the vicar. "If her +education, her father's and mother's tenderness, and her daily +intercourse with ourselves, have not spoken to her heart, no human +words can do so. If she had learned to submit herself to the will of +God, she would bear a dispensation that has left her so much to be +thankful for, with gratitude, and not with murmurings." + +"He has taken much away from her!" + +"He has, but not all--not for ever, at least. Now she seems to have +lost the faculty of loving; of holding all things as nothing, compared +to the love of God and of His creatures. And this faculty only returns +to us when we return to God. As she now is, she does not wish to return +to Him--her grievances and her discontent are still too dear to her; +but the tone of her mind is too healthy to harbour these sad companions +long. Sometime, when her heart is feeling most forlorn, God will take +possession of it again, and love and charity will resume their former +places, and then there will be light within her, even though it be dark +before her eyes." + +"God grant it! yet the thought of her future life distresses me." + +"She is safe if she does nothing to lose herself. And even if all those +who now love and cherish her should be taken from her, charity never +dies. And if she take heed to the guiding of the Lord, and the ways it +pleaseth Him to lead her, she may yet learn to bless the blindness, +that from her infancy has separated her from the shadow, and given her +the reality and truth." + +Clement interrupted their discourse. "You cannot think how lovely it is +to-night!" he cried from the threshold where he stood. "I would gladly +give one eye if I could give it to Marlene, that she might see the +splendour of the stars. I hope the noise of the waterfall may not +prevent her sleeping. I can never forgive myself for having left her to +sit out there in the cold." + +"Dear boy, speak lower," said his mother; "she is asleep close by. The +best thing you can do, I think, would be to go to sleep yourself." And +the boy whispered his good-night. + +When his mother went to Marlene's room, she found her quiet and +apparently asleep--that troubled look had given place to an expression +of peace and gentleness. + +The tempest was overpast, and had destroyed no vital part. Even remorse +and shame were slightly felt. So absolute was the victory of that +joyful peace that had been preached in the room beside her. Slowly, and +by side-paths, does the principle of evil steal over us, and assume its +sway--good asserts its victory at once. + + + + + CHAPTER V. + + +Next morning her friends noticed with astonishment the change that had +come over her. The vicar's wife could only explain it by supposing +Marlene to have overheard their conversation of the night before. "So +much the better," said the vicar. "If she has heard it, I have nothing +more to say." + +After this, the young girl's gentle tenderness towards Clement and his +parents, was touching to behold. She only wished to be considered as +belonging to them. Any proof of their affection she received with glad +surprise; as more than she expected or deserved. She did not talk much, +but what she said was gay and animated. In her whole manner there was a +softness, an abnegation of herself, that seemed meant for a mute +apology. In their wanderings she again took Clement's arm, but she +often begged to be allowed to sit down and rest. Not that she was +tired; she only wished to give the boy his freedom to climb about +whenever he saw anything to tempt him. And when he came back to tell +her what he had seen, she would welcome him with a smile. Her jealousy +was gone, now that she desired nothing for herself but the pleasure of +seeing him pleased. + +Thus strengthened and raised to better feelings, she came to the end of +her excursion--and the strengthening had come when it was needed. She +found her mother laid low by a dangerous disease, which carried off the +delicate woman in a day or two. And after the first few weeks of +mourning, she found that her sadly altered life exacted duties of her, +for which before she hardly would have been fitted. She busied herself +about the household, late and early. She found her way, in spite of her +infirmity, into every nook and corner of their small home; and though +there were many things she was unable to do herself, she shewed both +cleverness and foresight in her arrangements, and in her watchful care +that her afflicted father should want for nothing. + +She soon acquired a remarkable degree of firmness and quiet dignity. +Where formerly repeated admonitions had been necessary, she ruled the +men and maids with a gentle word. And if ever any serious instance did +occur, of neglect or real ill-will, one earnest look of those large +blind eyes would melt the coarsest nature. + +Since she had understood that there was work for her to do--that the +moulding of their daily life was entirely in her hands, and that it was +her duty to be cheerful for her father's sake, she had much less time +to feel the pain of Clement's absence; and when he was sent to school +in town, she was able to bid him a more composed farewell than any of +the others. For some weeks, it is true, she went about the house as +though she were in a dream--as though she had been severed from her +happier self. But she soon grew gay again, jesting with her father to +win him to a laugh, and singing to herself her favourite songs. When +the vicar's wife would come with letters, and read the news and +messages from Clement, her heart would beat quick in secret; and that +night perhaps, she lay awake for a longer time than usual; but in the +morning she would rise serene as ever. + +When Clement came home for the holidays, his first steps were to the +sexton's house--and his step Marlene knew,--ever so far off. She stood +still, and listened whether it was for her he asked; then with her slim +hands, she hastily smoothed back her hair, that still hung in its heavy +plaits upon her slender neck; then rose and left her work; and by the +time he had crossed the threshold, there was not a trace of agitation +on her features. Gaily she offered him her hand, and begged him to come +in and sit down beside her, and tell her what he had been doing. There +he would often forget the hours, and his mother would come after him, +for she began to grudge any of his time she lost. He very rarely stayed +all his holidays in the village; he would go rambling about the +mountains, absorbed by his growing love of nature and of its history. + +And so the years rolled on, in monotonous rotation. The old were fading +gradually, and the young growing fast in bloom and strength. + +Once when Clement came home at Easter, and saw Marlene, as, rising from +her spinning-wheel she came to meet him, he was struck with the +progress of her loveliness since autumn. "You are quite a grown-up +young lady now," he said; "and I too have done with boyhood--only feel +my beard, how it has grown over my winter studies." She blushed a +little as he took her hand, and passed it across his chin to make her +feel the down upon it. And he had more to talk of than he used to have. +The master with whom he boarded had daughters, and these daughters had +young companions. She made him describe them to her. "I don't care for +girls," he said; "they are so silly, and talk such nonsense. There is +only one, Cecilia, whom I don't dislike, because she does not chatter +and make those faces the others do to beautify themselves--and what are +they all to me? The other evening when I came home, and went into my +room, I found a bunch of flowers on the table; I let it lie, and did +not even put it in water, though I was sorry for the flowers--but it +provoked me, and next day there was such a whispering and tittering +amongst the girls!--I felt so cross, I would not speak a word to them. +Why can't they let me alone?--I have no time for their nonsense." + +When he talked so, Marlene would hang upon his lips, and treasuring up +his words, would interweave them with an endless web of her own strange +fancies. She might perhaps have been in danger of wasting her youth in +fruitless reveries, but she was saved from this by serious sorrows, and +cares that were very real. Her father, who had long fulfilled with +difficulty the duties of his place, was now struck with paralysis, and +lay entirely helpless for one whole year, when his sufferings were put +an end to by a second stroke. She never left him for an hour. Even in +the holidays which brought Clement, she would not spare the time to +talk to him, save when he would come to spend ten minutes in the +sick-room. + +Thus concentrating her life, she grew more self-denying. She complained +to no one, and would have needed no one, had not her blindness +prevented her doing everything herself. Her misfortune had been a +secret discipline to her, and had taught many a humble household +virtue, that those who see neglect. She kept everything committed to +her care in the most scrupulous order. Her neatness was exaggerated, +for she had no eyes to see when she had done enough. + +Clement was deeply moved when he first saw her trying to wash and dress +her helpless father, and carefully combing his thin grey hair. If in +that sick-room, her cheek grew somewhat paler, there was a deeper +radiance in her large dark eyes, and to her natural distinction, those +lowly labours were, in fact, a foil. + +The old man died. His successor came to take possession of the house, +and at the Vicarage Marlene found a kind and hospitable home. + +Clement only heard this by letters rarely written, and still more +rarely answered. He had gone to a more distant university, and was no +longer able to spend all his holidays at home. Now and then he would +enclose a few lines to Marlene, in which, contrary to his former +custom, he would address her as a child, in a joking tone, that made +his father serious and silent, and his mother shake her head. Marlene +would have these notes read aloud to her, and listening to them +gravely, would carefully keep them. When her father died, he wrote to +her a short agitated letter, neither attempting to console her, nor +expressing any sorrow; containing only a few earnest entreaties to be +careful of her health, to be calm, and to let him know exactly how she +was, and what she felt. + +At Easter he had, been expected, but he did not come; he only wrote +that he had found an opportunity, too good to be lost, of accompanying +one of the professors on a botanical tour. His father had been +satisfied, and Marlene at last successful in pacifying his mother. + +He came unannounced at Whitsuntide, on foot, with glowing cheeks, +unwearied by a long march before break of day--a fine-grown young man. +He stepped into the silent house, where his mother was alone and busy, +for it was the eve of a great holiday. Surprised, with a cry of joy, +she threw herself upon his neck. "You!" she exclaimed, as soon as she +had recovered herself, drawing back to gaze upon him, the long absent +one, with all her love for him in her eyes. "You forgetful boy, are you +come at last? You can find the way back, I see, to your old father +and mother! I began to think you only meant to return to us as a +full-fledged professor, and who knows whether my poor eyes would have +been left open long enough to behold that pleasant sight on earth? But +I must not scold you now that you are my own good boy, and are come to +bring us a pleasanter Whitsuntide than I have known for years--me, your +father, and all of us!" "Mother," he said, "I cannot tell you how glad +I am to be at home again. I could not hold out any longer. I don't know +how it happened. I had not resolved to come--I only felt I must. One +fine morning, instead of going up to college, I found myself without +the gates, walking for very life--such journeys in a day as I never +took before, though I was always a good pedestrian. Where is my father, +and Marlene?" + +"Don't you hear him?" said his mother; "he is upstairs in his study." +And in fact they heard the old man's heavy tread walking up and down. +"It is just as it used to be--that has been his Saturday's walk all +these twenty years I have known him. Marlene is with the labourers in +the hayfield--I sent her away that I might be left to do my work in +peace. When she is in the house, she would always have me sitting idle +in the corner with my hands before me. She must needs do everything +herself. We have new men just now, and I am glad that she should look +after them a little, until they get accustomed to their work. Won't +she be surprised to find you here? Now come, we must go upstairs to +father, and let him have a look at you. It will be midday directly. +Come along--he won't be angry at your disturbing him." + +She led her son after her, still keeping hold of his hand while she +slipped up the narrow staircase before him; then softly opening the +door, with a sign to Clement, she pushed him forwards while she stepped +back. "Here he is at last!" she said; "there you have him!" "Whom?" +cried the old man angrily, and started from his meditations; and then +he saw his son's bright face beside him radiant in the morning +sunshine. He held out his hand: "Clement!" he cried, between surprise +and joy, "You here!" "I was homesick, father," said his son, with a +warm grasp of the proffered hand. "I am come to stay over the holidays, +if there be room for me now that you have Marlene here." "How you +talk!" eagerly broke in his mother; "If I had seven sons, I know I +should find room for them. But I will leave you to your father now; I +have to go about the kitchen, and I must rifle our vegetable-beds, for +in town, I doubt they have been spoiling you." + +And with that she went, leaving father and son still standing silently +face to face. "I have disturbed you," at length said Clement; "you are +in the middle of your sermon." "You can't disturb a man who has already +disturbed himself. I have been going about all the morning, turning +over my text in my mind, but the seed would not spring up. I have had +strange ideas; misgivings I could not master." + +He went to the little window that looked upon the church. The way +thither was through the churchyard. It lay peacefully before them, with +its flowers and its many crosses glittering in the noonday sun. "Come +hither, Clement," said the old vicar gently; "come and stand here +beside me. Do you see that grave to the left, with the primroses and +monthly roses? It is one you never saw before. Do you know who it is +sleeps there? It is my dear old friend; our Marlene's father." + +He left his son standing at the window, and began pacing up and down +the room again; in their silence they only heard his even tread +crunching the sand upon the wooden floor; "No one ever knew him as I +did;" he said, drawing a deep breath--"Nobody lost so much, in losing +him; for he was to no one else what he was to me. What did he know of +the world and the wisdom of this world, which is foolishness in the +sight of God! What science he possessed was revealed to him--by +scripture or by suffering. I know he is blessed now, for he was already +blessed on Earth." + +After a pause he went on; "Whom have I now to put me to shame, when I +have been puffed up?--to save me, when my faith is wavering--to unravel +the vexed thoughts that by turns accuse and excuse each other! This +world is growing so terribly wise! What I hear is more than I can +understand--what I read my soul rejects, lest it should lead it to +perdition. Many there be who lift up their voices, and dream they have +the gift of tongues; and behold, it is nought but idle lip-work, and +the scorners listen, and rejoice. Ah! my dear old friend, would I were +safe, where you are now!" + +Clement turned to look at him. He had never so heard his father speak, +in the anguish of his soul. He went up to him, trying to find the right +words to say. "Don't, my son;" said his father, deprecatingly, "there +is nothing you can say to me, that saints have not said better. Do you +know, one day, just after his death, I had fallen asleep, here in this +very room; night had come with a tempest that awoke me; my heart was +heavy, even unto death, when suddenly I saw him--a great light was +shining round him, but he appeared in the clothes he usually wore, just +as if he were alive. He did not speak, but remained standing at the +foot of my bed, calmly looking down upon me. At first it agitated me +terribly, I was not worthy of the grace vouchsafed me; of beholding a +sainted face.--Only the day after, I felt the peace it had left behind. +He did not come again until last night--I had been reading one of those +books, written to seduce Man from God, and from the word of God, and +had gone to bed in grief and anger, when soon after twelve o'clock, I +woke up again, and saw him standing as before, holding an open bible in +his hand, printed in golden letters. He pointed to them with his +finger; but so great a radiance was streaming from the pages, that I +strained my dazzled eyes in vain; I could not read a line.--I sat up, +and bent nearer to him. He stood still, with a look of love and pity in +his face; which presently changed to anxiety when he saw that I was +trying to read, and could not. Then, blinded by the brightness, my eyes +ran over, and he vanished slowly, leaving me in tears."-- + +He went to the window again, and Clement saw him shudder. "Father!" he +said, and took his hand as it hung down limply by his side--he found it +cold and damp--"dear Father, you distress me! You are ill--you should +send for a doctor." + +"A Doctor?" cried his father, almost violently, drawing himself up to +his full height--"I am well, and that is the worst of it. My soul +feels, longs for, approaching death, while my body is still obstinately +rebellious." + +"These dreams are destroying you, father." + +"Dreams! I tell you, I was as wide awake as I am now." + +"I do not doubt it, father; you were awake, and that is just what makes +me so uneasy. It is fever that given you those waking dreams, the very +memory of which distresses you enough to quicken your pulse and make +you ill. I need not be a doctor to know that last night you were in a +fever, as you are now." + +"To know! and what do you think you know, poor mortal that you are! Oh +admirable wisdom!--Grace-giving science!--but after all, whom do I +accuse? What do I deserve?--for babbling of God's most precious +mysteries, and baring my aching heart as a mark for scorners. Are these +the fruits of all your studies? What grapes do you hope to gather from +thorns like these? I know you well, poor vain creatures that you are, +who would set up new Gods for others, while in your hearts you worship +no gods but yourselves; I tell you, your days are numbered."--His bald +brow was flushed crimson as he turned to go, without one look at +Clement, who stood shocked and silent, his eyes fixed on the floor. +Suddenly he felt his father's hand upon his shoulder: + +"Speak truth, my son; do you really hold to those of whose opinions I +have read with horror? Are you among those bright votaries of matter, +who jest at miracles; to whom the Spirit is as a fable which nature +tells, and man listens to with scorn. If your youth could not choke +these weeds, was the seed of gratitude sown by the Lord in your heart +in vain?" + +"Father," said the young man after some consideration, "how shall I +answer you? I am ready to stake my life on the solution of these +questions--I have heard them answered in so many different ways by men +I love and honor. Some of my dearest friends profess the opinions you +condemn: I listen and learn, and have not yet ventured to decide." + +"He who is not with me, is against me, saith the Lord--" + +"No, I could not be against Him--I could not strive against the Spirit. +Who does deny the Spirit? even among those who would bind it to the +laws of matter?--Are not its miracles the same, even if they be no more +than nature's fairest blossoms? Is a noble image to be scorned, for +only being of stone?" + +"You talk as they all do; your heads are darkened by your own dim +metaphors--you are so deafened with the sound of your empty words, that +the small voice within you speaks unheard--and is it thus you come to +celebrate our Whitsuntide?" + +"I came because I loved you--" + +There was silence again between them. The old vicar's lips parted more +than once, as if to speak, and firmly closed again. They heard +Marlene's voice below, and Clement left the window at which he had been +sorrowfully standing. "It is Marlene," his father said: "Have you +forgotten her? Among your profane associates who vie with each other +in their reckless folly and deny the Spirit and the liberty of the +Spirit--the freedom of God's adoption--did the memory of your young +playfellow never come to remind you of the wonders the Spirit can work, +when severed from outward sense; and of the strength God's grace can +give to a humble heart that is firm in Faith?" + +Clement kept back the answer that was on his lips, for he heard the +blind girl's light step upon the stairs.--The door opened, and she +stood on the threshold with blushing cheeks. "Clement!" she cried, +turning her gentle eyes to the spot where he actually stood. He went up +to her, and took the hand she held out waiting for him. "How glad you +have made your parents! Welcome, welcome! a thousand welcomes! but why +are you so silent?" she added. + +"Yes, dear child," he said, "I am here--I wanted so much to see you all +again; and how well you look! You have grown taller." + +"The spring has set me up again--this winter was very hard to bear--but +your parents are so good to me, Clement.--Good morning, father dear;" +she said, turning to him--"It was so early when we went out to the +field, that I could not come up to shake hands then"--and she held out +hers to him. + +"Go downstairs now, dear child, and take Clement with you. You can shew +him your garden--you have a little while to yourselves yet before +dinner; and you, Clement, think over what I have been saying to +you."--And then the young people went away. + +"What is the matter with your father?" said the young girl, when they +had got downstairs--"his tone sounded rather strange, and so does +yours. Have you had any angry words together?" + +"I found him very much excited; his blood appears to be in a disordered +state. Has he been complaining again of late?" + +"Not to me. He sometimes appeared to be ill at ease, and would not +speak for hours together, so as often to surprise our mother. Was he +severe on you just now?" + +"We had a discussion upon very serious subjects. He questioned me, and +I could not conceal my convictions." + +Marlene grew pensive, and her countenance only brightened when they got +into the fresh air. + +"Is it not pleasant here?" She asked, stretching out both hands. + +"Indeed I hardly know the place again," he said; "what have you done to +this neglected little spot? As far back as I can remember, there never +was anything here but a few fruit-trees, and the hollyhocks and asters, +and now it is all over roses." + +"Yes," she said; "your mother never used to care much about the garden, +and now she likes it too. The bailiffs son learned gardening in the +town, and he made me a present of some rose-trees, and planted them for +me--by degrees I got the others, and now I am quite rich. The finest +are not in flower yet." + +"And can you take care of them all yourself?" + +"Do you wonder at that, because I cannot see?" she said, merrily; "but +all the same, I understand them very well, and I know what is good for +them--I can tell by the scent, which of them are fading, and which are +opening, and whether they are in want of water--they seem to speak to +me. Only I cannot gather one for you; I tear my hands so with the +thorns." + +"Let me gather one for you;" he said, and broke off a monthly rose--she +took it--but--"You have broken off too many buds," she said--"I will +keep this one to put in water, and there is the full blown rose for +you." + +They walked up and down the neatly kept path, until they were called to +dinner--Clement felt embarrassed with his father--but Marlene, +generally so modest in the part she took in conversation, now found a +thousand things to ask and say. And thus the vicar forgot the painful +feeling left by that first meeting with his son, and the old footing of +cordiality was soon resumed. + +In the course of the next few days, however, they could not fail to +find occasion to revive their quarrel. When his father enquired about +the present state of theology at that University, Clement endeavoured +to turn the conversation to general subjects; but the farther he +retreated, the hotter grew his father in pursuit. Often an anxious, and +sometimes an indignant look from his mother, would come to support him +in his resolution to avoid all plain speaking on this subject; but +whenever he broke off, or was forced to say a thing that to him meant +nothing, the awkward silence fell upon his spirits, and chilled him to +the heart Marlene only was always able to recover the proper tone. But +he saw that she too was grieved, and therefore he avoided her when she +was alone. He knew that she would question him, and from her he could +have concealed nothing. A shade came over him now whenever he saw her. +Was it the memory of that childish promise he had long since broken? +Was it the feeling that in the schism of opinion that threatened to +estrange him from his parents she remained standing on their side? + +And yet he felt his tenderness for her more irresistibly than ever; it +was a thing he found impossible to deny, but which he did strive most +resolutely to conquer. He was too much absorbed in study and in his +visions of the future, not to struggle with the energy of an aspiring +nature against everything that might cling to his steps, or eventually +chance to clog them. + +"I have to be a traveller," he said: "a traveller on foot--my bundle +must be light." He felt strangely burthened when he thought of binding +himself to a wife who would have a claim to a large share of his life; +and a blind one too, whom he would feel it wrong to leave. Here in her +native village, where everything wore the simple aspect she had known +from childhood, she was secure from the embarrassments which a +residence in a town must inevitably have produced; and so he persuaded +himself that he should do her a wrong by drawing closer to her. That he +could be causing pain by this self-denial of his, was more than he +could trust himself to believe. + +His measures became more decisive. On the last day of his stay, after +he had embraced his parents, and heard that Marlene was in the garden, +he only left a farewell message for her, and with a beating heart he +took the road to the village, and then turned down a path across the +fields, to reach the woods. But the vicarage garden also opened to +these fields, and the nearest way to them would have been through its +small wicket gate. It was a long way round he had preferred, but at the +last, he could not make up his mind to go farther on his narrow way +through the young corn, without at least, one pause of retrospection. + +He stood still in the serene sunshine, looking towards the hamlet with +its cottages and houses--behind the hedge that bounded his father's +garden, he caught sight of the young girl's slender figure. Her face +was turned his way, but she had no perception of his presence. + +His tears sprang quick and hot, but he struggled and overcame them; +then, leaping wildly over banks and ditches, he reached the hedge; she +started: "Farewell, Marlene! I am going. I may be away for a year;" and +he passed his hand over her hair and forehead. "Good-bye!"--"You are +going?" she said; "one thing I should like to ask of you--write +oftener;--do!--your mother needs it, and sometimes send me a little +message." + +"I will;" he said in an absent way--and again he went. "Clement!"--she +called after him--he heard, but he did not look back. "It is well that +he did not hear me," she murmured; "what could I have found to say to +him?" + + + + + CHAPTER VI. + + +After this Clement never made a stay of any length in his father's +house. Each time he came, he found him harsher and more intolerant. His +mother was tender and loving as before, but more reserved: Marlene was +calm, but mute whenever they became earnest in discussion. At such +times she would rather avoid being present. + +On a bright day towards the end of autumn, we find Clement again in the +small room where, as a boy, he had spent those weeks of convalescence. +One of his friends and fellow-students, had accompanied him home. They +had gone through their course at the University, and had just returned +from a longer tour than usual, during which Wolf had fallen ill, and +had desired to come hither to recover in the quiet of village life. +Clement could not but acquiesce, though of all the young men he knew, +Wolf was the one, he thought, least likely to please his father. But, +contrary to his expectations, the stranger prudently and cleverly +contrived to adapt himself perfectly to the opinions of the old couple; +especially winning the mother's good will, by the merry interest he +manifested in household matters. He gave her good advice, and even +succeeded in curing her of some little ailment with a very simple +remedy. He had been preparing himself to follow his uncle in his +business as apothecary: an avocation far beneath that for which his +natural talents and acquirements would have fitted him; but he was by +nature indolent, and was quite contented to settle down, and eat his +cake betimes. + +Mentally, he never had had anything in common with Clement; and on +first coming to the vicarage, he had felt himself in an atmosphere so +oppressive and uncongenial, that he would have left it, after the most +superficial recovery, had not the blind girl, from the first moment he +saw her, appeared to him as a riddle worth his reading. + +She had avoided him as much as possible; the first time he had taken +her hand she had withdrawn it, with unaccountable uneasiness, and had +entirely lost the usual composure of her manner. Yet he would remain in +her society for hours, studying her method of apprehending things, and +with a playful kind of importunity which it was not easy to take amiss, +taking note of her ways and means of communication with the outer +world. + +He could not understand why Clement appeared to care for her so +little--and Clement would avoid her more than ever when he saw her in +company with Wolf. He would turn pale then, and escape to the distant +forest, where the villagers would often meet him, plunged in most +disconsolate meditations. + +One evening, when he was returning from a long discontented walk, where +he had gone too far and lost himself, he met Wolf in a state of more +than natural excitement. He had been paying a long visit to Marlene, +who had fascinated him more than usual; he had then found his way to +the village tavern, where he had drunk enough of the light wine of the +country to make him glad of a cool walk among the fields in the fresh +evening air. + +"I say!" he called to Clement. "It may be a good while yet, before you +are so fortunate as to get rid of me; that little blind witch of yours +is a pretty puzzle to me. She is cleverer than a dozen of our town +ladies, who only use their eyes to ogle God and man--and then that +delicious way she has of snubbing me, is a master-piece in itself." + +"You may be glad if she ends by making you a little tamer;" said +Clement shortly. + +"Tamer! that I shall never be--and that magnificent figure and lovely +face of hers are not calculated to make a fellow tame. Don't believe I +mean to harm her. Only you know, sometimes, I think if she were to be +fond of one, there would be something peculiar in it. A woman who can't +see--who can only feel, and feel as no other creature can--I say if +such a woman were to fall upon a fellow's neck, I say, the feeling +might prove especially pleasant to them both." + +"And I say, you had better keep your sayings to yourself." + +"Why? Where's the harm? what harm would there be in making her fall +just a very little bit in love with me, to see how her nerves would +carry her through the scrape? In general so much fire finds its safety +valve in the eyes, but here----" + +"I must beg you to refrain from making any such experiments," flared up +Clement. "I tell you very seriously, that I do not choose to see or +hear anything of the kind, and so you may act accordingly." + +Wolf gave a sidelong look at him, and, taking hold of his arm, said +with a laugh: "I do believe you really are in love with the girl, and +want to try a few experiments yourself. How long have you been so +scrupulous? You have often heard me out, before now, when I have told +you what I thought of women." + +"Your education is no concern of mine. What have I to do with your +unclean ideas? But when I find them soiling one so near and dear to me, +one who is twenty times too good for you to breathe the same air, that +is what I can and will prevent." + +"Oho!" said Wolf tranquilly--"too good you say? too good? It is you who +are too good a fellow Clement, far too good! so take yourself away, out +of my air, good lad." + +He clapped him on the back, and would have moved on--Clement stood +still, and turned white; "You will be so good as to explain the meaning +of those words;" he said resolutely. + +"No such fool; ask others if you wish to know--others may be fond of +preaching to deaf ears; I am not." + +"What others? What do you mean? Who is it dares to speak slightingly of +her? I say who dares?" He held Wolf with an iron grasp. + +"Foolish fellow, you are spoiling my walk," he growled, "with your +stupid questions; let me go, will you?" + +"You do not stir a step until you have given me satisfaction," cried +Clement, getting furious. + +"Don't I? Go to the bailiff's son if you are jealous! Poor devil! to +coax him so, till he was ready to jump out of his skin for her, and +then to throw him over! Fie! was it honest? He came to pour out his +grievances to me, and I comforted him. She is just what all women are, +says I, a coquette. It is my turn now, but we are up to a thing or two, +you know, and may not be inclined to let our mouths be stopped, when we +would warn other fellows from falling into the same snare." + +"Retract those words!" shouted Clement, shaking Wolf's arm in a +paroxysm of rage. + +"Why retract? if they are true, and I can prove them? Go to! you are +but a simpleton!" + +"And you a devil." + +"Oho! I say, it may be your turn to retract now." + +"I won't retract." + +"Then I suppose you know the consequences. You shall hear from me as +soon as I get to town." + +And having thus spoken in cold blood, he turned back to the village. +Clement remained standing where he was. + +"Villain!--miserable scoundrel!"--fell from his lips; his bosom heaved, +a cruel pain had coiled itself about his heart, he flung himself flat +upon the ground among the corn, and lay there long, recalling a +thousand times each one of those words that had made him feel so +furious. + +When he came home at a very late hour, he was surprised to find the +family still assembled. Wolf was missing. The vicar was pacing +violently up and down the room. His wife and Marlene were seated with +their work in their laps, much against their custom at so late an hour. +On Clement's entrance the vicar stopped, and gravely turned to look at +him. + +"What have you been doing to your friend?--Here he has packed up and +gone, while we were all out walking, leaving a hasty message. When we +came home, we only found the man who had come to fetch his things. Have +you been quarrelling? else why should he be in such a hurry?" + +"We had high words together. I am glad to find that he is gone, and +that I shall not have to sleep another night under the same roof with +him." + +"And what were your angry words about?" + +"I cannot tell you, father. I should have been glad to avoid a quarrel, +but there are things to which no honest man can listen. I have long +known him to be coarse, and careless in feeling, both with regard to +himself, and others, but I never saw him as he was to-day." + +The vicar looked steadily at his son, and then in a low tone: "How do +you mean to settle this quarrel between you?" he asked. + +"As young men do;" said Clement gravely. + +"And do you know what Christians do, when they have been offended?" + +"I know, but I cannot do the same; if he had only offended me, I might +easily have forgiven him, but he has insulted one who is very dear to +me." + +"A woman, Clement?" + +"A woman. Yes." + +"And you love this woman?" + +"I love her;" murmured the young man. + +"I thought so," burst out his father. "Yes! you have been corrupted in +the town. You are become as the children of this world, who follow +wanton wenches, fight for them, and make idols of them; but I tell you, +while I live, I shall labour to win you back to God. I will smash your +idols. Did the Lord vouchsafe to work a miracle for you, for you to +deny him now? Far better have remained in darkness, with those gates +closed for ever, through which the devil and all his snares have +entered in, and taken possession of your heart!" + +The young man had some struggle to suppress his rising passion. "Who +gave you the right, father, to suppose my inclinations to be so base?" +he said. "Am I degraded, because I am forced to do what is needful in +the world we live in, to crush the insolence of the base? There are +divers ways of wrestling with the evil one; yours is the peaceful way, +for you have the multitude to deal with. I have the individual, and I +know that way." + +"It is a way you shall not go," hotly returned the father; "I say you +shall not trample on God's commandments. He is no son of mine, who +would do violence to his brother. I prohibit it with the authority of a +parent and a priest. Beware of setting that authority at nought!" + +"And so you spurn me from your home;" said Clement gloomily. A pause +ensued. His mother, who had burst into tears, now rose, and rushed up +to her son. "Mother," he said earnestly, "I must be a man. I cannot be +a traitor." He went towards the door, with one look at Marlene, whose +poor blind eyes were searching painfully; his mother followed him--she +could not speak for sobbing. "Do not detain him, wife," said the vicar, +"he is no child of ours, since he refuses to be God's; let him go +whither he pleases, to us, he is as dead." + +Marlene heard the door close and the vicar's wife fall heavily to the +ground, with a cry that came from the depths of her mother's heart. She +woke from the trance in which she had been sitting, went to the door, +and with an immense exertion, she carried the insensible woman to her +bed. The vicar stood at the window and never uttered a word; but his +folded hands were trembling violently. + +About a quarter of an hour later, a knock came to Clement's door. He +opened it and saw Marlene.--She entered quietly. The room was in +disorder--she struck her foot against the trunk. "What are you going to +do, Clement?" + +The stubbornness of his grief softened at once, and he took her hands +and pressed them to his eyes which were wet with tears. "I must do it;" +he cried, "I have long felt that I have lost his love. Perhaps when I +am gone, he may feel that I have never ceased to be his son." + +She raised him up, and said; "Do not weep, or I shall never have +strength to tell you what I have to say. Your mother would say the same +if your father did not prevent her. And even he,--I heard by his voice +how difficult he found it to be so hard; yet hard he will remain--for I +know him well--he believes that he is serving the Lord by being severe, +and serving him best, in sacrificing his own heart." + +"And you think the same?" + +"No, I don't, Clement.--I don't know much about the world, nor the laws +of that opinion that forces a man to fight a duel; but I do know you +enough to know that every one of your thoughts and actions--and +therefore this duel also--is submitted to the severest test of +self-examination. You may owe it to the world, and to her you love; +only I think you owe your parents more than either. I do not know the +person who has been insulted, and do not quite feel why it should make +you so indignant, to be prevented doing this for her. Do not interrupt +me. Do not suppose me to be influenced by the fear of losing any +remnant of our friendship which you may have retained during the years +that have parted us. I would be willing to let her have you all to +herself, if she be able to make you happy, but not even for her sake +should you do what you are about to do, were she dearer to you than +either father or mother. From their house you must not go in anger, at +the risk of its being closed to you for ever. Your father is old, and +will carry his opinions with him to the grave. If he were to give way +to you, it would be at the sacrifice of principles which are the very +pith and marrow of his life; and the sacrifice on your side, would be +merely, the evanescent estimation in which you believe yourself to be +held by strangers. If a woman whom you love, could break with you +because you are unwilling to embitter the last years of your father's +life, that woman, I say, was never worthy of you." + +Her voice failed her; he threw himself on a chair and groaned. + +She was still standing by the door, waiting to hear what he would say; +and there was a strange look of tension about her brow--she seemed to +be listening with her eyes. Suddenly he sprang to his feet, laid his +two hands on her shoulders, and cried: "It was for you I would have +done this, and now for your sake I will not do it;" and rushing past +her, he ran downstairs. + +She remained where she was. His last words had thrilled to her very +marrow, and a sudden tide of gladness broke over that timid doubting +heart of hers. She sat down on the portmanteau trembling all over. "It +was for you! for you!"--the words echoed in her ear. She half dreaded +his return; if he should not mean what she thought! and how could he +mean it?--What was she to him? + +She heard him coming upstairs again; in her agitation she rose, and +would have left the room, but he met her at the door, and taking her in +his arms, he told her all. + +"It was I who was blind," he cried, "and you who saw--who saw +prophetically. Without you, where should I have been now?--An orphan +without a future, without a home; banished from the only hearts I love, +and by my own miserable delusions. And now--now they are all my own +again; mine and more than I ever believed to be mine--more than I could +have trusted myself to possess." + +She hung upon his neck in mute devotion; mute for very scorn of the +poverty of language. The long repressed fervour of her affection had +broken loose, and burned in her silent kiss. + +Day dawned upon their happiness. Now he knew what she had so +obstinately concealed, and what this very room had witnessed; where +now, pledged to each other for life, with a grasp of each other's +hands, they parted in the early morning. + +In the course of the day a letter came from Wolf, written the night +before, from the nearest village. Clement might be at rest, he wrote; +he retracted everything; he knew best that what he had said was +nonsense. He had spoken in anger and in wine. + +It had provoked him to see Clement going about so indifferent and +cool, when, with a word, he might have taken possession of such a +treasure--and when he saw that Clement really did mean to do so, he had +reviled what had been denied to him. + +He begged Clement not to think worse of him than he deserved, and to +make his excuses to the young girl and to his parents; and not to break +with him entirely, and for ever. + +When Clement read this to Marlene, she was rather touched: "I can be +sorry for him now," she said; "though I always felt uneasy when he was +here--and how much he might have spared us both, and spared himself! +But I can think of him with charity now--we have so much to thank him +for!"-- + + + + + + WALTER'S LITTLE MOTHER. + + + + + WALTER'S LITTLE MOTHER. + + +On a still spring night, that had followed on a stormy day, a young +woman sat alone by her little lamp, watching and wakeful, although in +every other room of that old house, the lights had been put out above +an hour before. + +It was in a narrow street of a little northern town, and not a footstep +was to be heard, save the watchman's, who stopped from time to time, +under the one lighted window, to sing out with especial emphasis, his +warning to be careful of fire and light. The casement was not closed, +and the lamp flickered in the night wind, that blew chill into the +room, stealing as it passed, the fragrance of the hyacinths that were +blooming in the window. But the girl did not close the casement; she +only drew her large brown shawl still closer about her shoulders, and +remained pensively looking over the book on her lap, towards the +sleeping town beyond; listening to the clock upon the tower as it +struck the successive quarters. + +Opposite the deep old arm-chair in which she was reclining, a table had +been laid with a clean white cloth, and a little tea-kettle was singing +merrily beside a simple supper of cold meats, set out with a dainty +neatness that almost amounted to elegance. An arm-chair had been drawn +close to the single cover. + +There was no other symptom of petticoat government in that large low +room. Discolored copper-plates, sketches in oils, fragments of antique +marbles, covered the walls, and lay about encumbering the furniture, in +artistical confusion. An old stove of green potter; had been crowned by +a Corinthian capital, blackened by the smoke and dust of years. Now, at +this quiet hour of the night, when the lamp in the centre left the +comers of the room in darkness, this motley assemblage almost haunted +one. The most incongruous things had been placed so close together, as +to make them all look strange. + +The clock struck eleven. With a movement of impatience, the young woman +rose, and throwing down the little blue volume of which she had been +absently turning over the leaves, she went to the window and looked +out. Her earliest youth was past, and her countenance bore the stamp of +a resolute soul, that has suffered, and struggled, and ended by +becoming indifferent to evanescent charms. Yet if you looked longer at +that serious face, you could see that such charms had been intended for +it when Nature cast those features; but that life and fate had been too +hard for her, and blighted their original promise. Eyes and brow were +of the purest cut; the contour of cheek and throat was broad and +sweeping. Even a slight trace of the small-pox here and there, had not +deteriorated from the delicacy of her profile. One breath of +youthfulness, of gladness, of carelessness, and that severe mouth would +have softened into loveliness. + +Even now, her countenance completely changed, as her watchful ear at +last discerned the echo of a footstep on the pavement, coming up to the +door, and a suppressed voice, humming a valse tune, as the key was +being turned in the lock. + +"At last!" she murmured, as she drew back from the window; "and late +enough;--and what can make him sing? A glass too much, perhaps, and for +all my pains and patience, I shall only have to preach him sober." + +She listened to the step upon the stairs, it was steady, elastic, +noiseless. "Not so bad after all," she said, with a sigh of relief, +"but that he should have taken to singing--?" + +The door opened, and a fine-grown young fellow of about nineteen came +in, with a kindly salutation. + +"How are you, little mother?" he said, taking off his cap, and +smoothing back the tangles of his thick flaxen hair. "Why did you sit +up for me? I told you I should be late. It was our last dancing lesson +for the winter, and they made a sort of ball of it. If some of our +young ladies and gentlemen had not been of such very tender years, we +should have been at it still. But not a few of our partners were +prematurely carried off, by their respective nursery maids;--a fact +they would not have owned for worlds--and so we had to break up without +dancing in the morning. You have been nodding a bit, I hope?" + +"Not I, my son," she said, in a quiet tone. "Care keeps mothers awake +at home, when grown-up sons and daughters go racketing to balls and +parties. However I believe I should have done wiser in going to bed, +than in sitting up here with my teapot, waiting for light-footed young +gentlemen who, I perceive, have already quenched their thirst at a less +insipid tap than my domestic teapot." + +"You perceive, do you little mother?" he answered gaily, disposing of +his long limbs under the little table as well as their length admitted +of; "and how do you perceive that?" + +"This how: you never walked home singing in your life before; and we +cannot attribute any ordinary cause, to an effort of nature so +extraordinary as to produce what it never had. To be sure, the +production was accordingly." + +He laughed. "What a wonderfully sagacious little mother! your +perceptions are correct as far as you see, but you don't see far +enough. I confess to some disturbance somewhere, but not in the upper +works, as you suppose. His worship the burgermeister's mild punch is +brewed with far too careful a consideration of the tender years of +upper tertia, to do much mischief among us other fellows. Altogether, +the refreshments affect the sober system, and I am afraid your +provender here will have to suffer for it I abominate the trash and +sweet-stuff they feed a fellow with at parties. Come, little mother, +just give us a spoonful more rum in this tea, and cure one giddiness +with another. For, as I said before, there is something wrong about me. +I _am_ hard hit." + +He looked at her in mock distress, with a saucy sparkle in his deep +blue eyes. "Walter," she began, in some dismay, "what have you been +about? I trust you have not----?" + +The young fellow helped himself to a slice of bread and meat, and fell +to his supper with a ponderous gravity, that was meant to cover a shade +of embarrassment. + +"I suppose no man can escape his fate," he said, chewing away with +prosaic complacency, "sooner or later, there always must be a first +time; and when a fellow comes to be nineteen, it becomes an affair of +_amour propre_ to do as others do, and fall in--" he hesitated and she +laughed. + +"In love?--I do believe this foolish fellow is trying to persuade +himself and me, that he has fallen in love!" + +"No less;" returned the lad, swallowing the tea she had poured out for +him at a gulp; "I am afraid there is every symptom of that fatal +malady." + +"Most prominent symptoms: a very unusual appetite; and twelve bars of a +valse, sung so false, as to make the very muscle model in the corner +stop his ears, if he could move his hands. May I enquire to whom these +miracles are to be attributed?" + +A sly look of mystery came over his bright face; of which indeed the +chief charm was this first freshness and frankness of early youth. + +"Guess," he said; "you see at present I am too intent on filling my +mouth, for any very coherent confession to come out of it." + +And he fell to work again, and filled his plate, and cut large pieces +off a bright pink ham. She had drawn her arm-chair close to the table, +and looked quietly into his eyes. + +"As if there were much to guess!--when one has the honor of knowing +every one of the young ladies, and more of their giddy partner and his +strong points (and his weak ones)--than he himself!--and we know him to +be an aspiring young man, for whom the best of all things is but just +good enough--and in every thing that beguiles young fools to folly, who +is there among our maidens that can vie with the daughter of our most +worshipful and puissant Burgermeister?--Did I not lay hands on a +certain drawing board a few days ago, that was ornamented with the name +of Flora in choicest arabesques?" + +"Your tea is strong, little mother, but your prophetic sense is weak;" +said the young man with an affectation of pomposity; "of course I do +not attempt to deny"--he proceeded with a passing blush--"that I really +did at one time admire that smooth-faced little viper, who can slip so +cleverly through a thousand things that would pose a man--and besides I +may as well confess that I felt less provoked at my own mistakes, +because it amused me to persuade myself that it was love that made me +stupid, as it has made many a cleverer man before me. But to-night my +eyes were opened, and I saw that between us two there never could be +any question of love. If a certain muslin dress were but transparent +enough for us to look into her left side, we should discover nothing, I +lay my life, but a pair of ball-tablets and the last No. of the +'Modes'." + +"And may I enquire what there is to justify a young gentleman in +harbouring such dire suspicions? Is a helpless young woman to be argued +out of her heart, simply because she may not hold it ready when certain +persons ask her." + +"Proofs--we have proofs of what we advance;" returned the lad very +seriously; "I do not profess to be any very extraordinary judge of +character--in fact I suffered myself to be made a fool of for a time. +All this winter, you should have seen how this little Dalilah walked +round my beard,--to use a figure of speech, for this trifle of yellow +down is barely enough to swear by yet. + +"Though I do dance deplorably, and never know whether it is a valse or +schottisch, or whether I am to begin with the right foot or the left, +still I was the acknowledged favorite. I was the eldest and biggest of +the company, and might be looked upon as a full-grown man and +champion." "A pike among the small fry;" observed his listener. + +"As you please; she took me as full measure, and I let her--There _are_ +feminine perceptions," and he smiled good-humouredly, "which would fail +to discern my manhood, even if I were to grow right through the +ceiling, and look down upon them from the mazes of a bristling beard." + +"Certainly," she retorted; "you are my own little Walter, and will be, +if you live to be a grandfather. I shall always feel maternally +responsible for your faults and follies--and there is every prospect of +your keeping these maternal feelings in practice to the last day of +your life." + +"Very possibly;" and he laughed again. "But to-day I really did do you +credit, I assure you, and was an honor to my education. Our ball queen, +you must know, proud minx! found me all at once too mean for even the +meanest services of her slaves. There was a young gentleman from the +bar, who had been so condescending as to join us. When I came in, with +my plain frock-coat and cotton gloves, he was pleased to take his +eye-glass, and to stare at me from head to foot. He was in tails, and +light-coloured kids, and naturally took the shine out of me, and would +you have believed it?--she would hardly vouchsafe to let me take the +tips of her fingers!--Oh! woman! woman, false and fair----" + +"No sweeping condemnations, I beg." + +"Oh! no. Heaven forbid! Of course there are angels among Eve's +daughters. Some--angels with flaming swords. Others--simply angels, +wearing their little wings neatly folded under innocent muslin +dresses--" + +"As--for instance--?" + +"While I was still standing, turning to stone at the assertion that +Fraeulein Flora had already disposed of all her dances, my indignant eye +chanced to light upon a face I had overlooked before--perhaps because +it could not ogle and grin as some can--and now I saw a pair of large +soft eyes pitifully fixed on mine, which seemed to say: 'Why did you +never look our way before?--we could have warned you long ago, to +beware of icebergs,' &c. &c.--all that eyes can say. So I resolved to +be a fool no longer, and I walked across the room, look you, with a +dignity--" + +"I see!"--she interrupted drily; "I see him, as he walks over half a +dozen dresses, turning over as many chairs as he could find in his +way." + +"Not this time, you unnatural mother, who are always ready to believe +the worst of your own son! I tell you, I walked up to Lottchen Klas +with the dignity of a prince--" + +"Lottchen Klas, is it? A mother's blessing on your choice, my son!" she +said with great solemnity. "If this be your first love, it is not of a +disquieting nature. This is not likely to prove too absorbing--this +will scarcely keep you from better things. I only beg you will put no +nonsense into that poor child's head, do you hear?" + +"I don't know what you take me for," he said with honest naivete. "I +did not say a word to her that I might not as well have said to a woman +of seventy." + +"She will have been much edified by your conversation." + +"Hm;--" he said; "_she_ began--she seemed to see that I could not be +contented to go on poking here, and never be more than a very middling +house-painter or decorator--that I had rather do anything, or go +anywhere, to get to a proper school, and have an architect's education. +How she knew, I can't say, but she began--" + +"And you could not leave off, as I know you." + +"Of course not, and she didn't want to; _she_ did not find it tiresome; +and then, between whiles, we danced; and I never thought I had been so +clever at it. You can't think how well she managed to keep me in order; +so that we hardly ever got out of time, and got through the quadrille +part of the business with only one very small confusion. Ah! she is a +sweet creature! and divinely good!--and I really don't believe I +ever could find a more suitable opportunity to fall in love. Look +here,"--and he pulled out a handful of bows and cotillion badges from +his waistcoat: "All these are to be put in the fire. Only this one +crimson bow was hers: and this is to be carefully kept, and laid under +my pillow to-night, and I am much mistaken if I do not find myself over +head and ears in love when I awake in the morning!" + +"So that is still to come?" she said, passing her hand playfully over +his hair, "Alas! poor youth, I fear you may have long to wait! +To-morrow is Sunday, and when you get to your drawingboard, you are +most likely to find a slender shaft, or a well-proportioned capital, +more attractive than all the Lottchens ever born; and indeed my son, it +is not a pity! You have plenty of time before you yet." + +She sat silent for a while, and thoughtfully staring at the little blue +flame of the tea-kettle, that had been singing a merry treble to her +voice. He too was silent, sighed, and shoved away his empty plate. + +"Little mother," he said at last; "I daresay you are right. At least, I +suppose you should know more about these things than I do. Tell me +honestly now, in strictest confidence, as a mother should speak to a +grown-up son: how long is it since you loved your first love?--And why +did nothing come of it, as in general, they say, nothing ever did, +does, or can come of anybody's first love?" + +A shade passed over her face. "Good boys don't ask questions;" she +said, shortly. "You be one; and fetch down our history from the +bookshelf, and let us read a chapter of it before we go to bed." + +"Not to-night, little mother, please not!" he implored. "Indeed it +would be no use; it would be more waste time than ever, to drum any +more of those weary old stories into my hard head to-night. Tell me one +rather, as you used to do when I was a boy. I used to sit there, on +that very footstool at your feet. You could tell beautiful stories. +About the emperor Octavian, and the sons of Haymon, come now;" and +before she could prevent him, he had crouched down at her feet "Here I +am, and so now begin, little mother; I am sure a true love-story would +do me far more good than all those bloody battles, and cruel murders +you seem to think so necessary to my education." + +He threw back his head with its shock of curls, and looked up with a +face it was not so easy to resist. + +"You are a naughty curious boy," she said; and you turn upon me now, to +punish me for having spoiled you. You think I can deny you nothing; but +that is your mistake. Get up, sir, will you?--and go to bed, and sleep +away the presumptuous thought, that your little mother, who after God, +should be your first authority on earth, ever was, or ever could have +been, any such green gosling as you may have seen to-night. Well, do +you mean to go?"--He did not stir. + +"What's the use of making a fuss?" he said playfully. "You know you +always end by doing what I want, naturally; because I never want +anything but what is reasonable. And now I want to hear this love-story +of yours--and I _ought_ to hear it, that I may not look like a +fool when other people talk of it, and wonder why you never +married--though--" + +"Though?" + +"Well, though you were so handsome,--they say." + +"_Who_ says--?" + +"Peter Lars for one; besides, I have only to open my eyes and see." + +"You don't say so?" + +"That is, to be candid, I never opened them till yesterday, when Peter +Lars was talking of it, and said he would give a great deal to have +seen you as you were when you first came, ten years ago. And then it +only just occurred to me that I had been struck with you at the time. +Since then, I never thought about it. I hardly knew whether you were +plain or pretty. You were my own little mother, and that was all I +cared for. But I see that Peter Lars, though I can't abide him, spoke +truth when he said--" + +"When he said, I had once been handsome?--thank you!" + +Walter reddened. "Nay, you must not take it that way; for I think, on +the contrary, yours is a face that could not alter much in half a +lifetime." + +"Possibly," she answered quietly: "By rights, a face that has never +been young, should never grow old, unless the hair turns grey." A +silence followed, while the little flame under the tea-kettle suddenly +went out, and hushed that too. At last the girl resumed. "Yet I wrong +myself; I was as young once as the youngest--happiest--most careless. +If I changed so soon it was not my fault." + +"Whose then?" he said, very softly, holding his breath to listen; and +as his head rested on her knee, he felt how she shivered through all +her limbs at the recollection. + +"Whose fault was it?" he whispered, with his eyes fixed on the +ceiling--on a spot where a tiny ring of light was flickering above the +cylinder of the little lamp. + +"It is not a long story," she said reluctantly; "but a story that is +neither new nor pretty: and so why should I tell it you? If you had +been a daughter, instead of being a son, I should not have let you grow +up to be nineteen, without having told it. It might not have done much +good, what stories ever did? But at least, I should have done my duty +by her, as a mother. But you that are a man, what good could I have +done, by telling you that man is a rapacious and a selfish animal. If +your own conscience has not taught you that, sooner or later it will." + +"Rapacious? You know me better, little mother!" + +"Right dear boy;" she said, much moved. "And if I had not expected you +to be different from other men, should I have taken the trouble, all +these eleven years to help you out of your childhood? No, dear, in that +sense you will never be a man: could you have even believed it possible +that a man could break his plighted troth to a helpless maiden, simply +because she told him that she had nothing to bring him, but her face +and her fair fame, and her sweet seventeen?" + +Walter started from his seat, and took a few hasty turns about the +room; then dropping down again on the stool at her feet. "Tell me all;" +he said. + +"What is there to tell?" she answered sadly. "What signifies name and +date and place? I have taught myself to forget it, but it has made me +old before my time--I could not forget that if I would, for my glass +tells me that every morning." + +"Your glass tells fibs then," said Walter, interrupting her. "I have +watched you narrowly; when you are by yourself, or with a person you +dislike, you can look so grave and stem as to frighten people. But with +me, when you are cheerful, and especially when you laugh, I often think +there is not a girl I know, so young or so handsome as my own mamma." + +She tapped him lightly on the mouth. "This is not the dancing-lesson, +where compliments are practised with the steps. But I know you mean it +kindly, dear; you want to comfort me for the mortifications of the +past. But you need not, my son; I have comforted myself for this lost +luck, and can even thank God that I did lose it. And was it not +strange? A month or two after the thing had been broken off, and he had +turned to a richer woman, Fortune was so mischievous as to send us a +legacy which nobody had ever thought of; my elder sister and myself +were now good matches, and my poor Rose who always had been plain, and +long given up all hopes of a husband, was found to be a very charming +creature, seen by the glitter of this unexpected gilding. Even an +artist was among her suitors, and he considered himself a very +fortunate man when she gave him the preference. I too did not want for +choice, but it gave me no trouble, either of head or heart. Only when +that man I had really loved came back to me, and had the impudence to +talk of an error of the heart, then, indeed, the bitterness rose to my +lips, and the disgust has remained. Especially when I hear people +talking of man's virtues. They have taken good care, since then, to +prevent my opinion changing; my poor sister--" + +She stopped, and her eyebrows met with a sinister expression. + +"Had she so hard a life of it?" asked Walter, timidly: "after I saw her +she never left her bed, and then our Meister seemed kind enough; she +always looked so sad, I used to pity her, though she never gave me a +good word. After you came, you know, I was even forbidden to go near +her: I often tried to think what made her so unkind. Of course I must +have been a burthen to her at first, when the Meister brought me home, +as a poor orphan boy, and she may have found it hard to have to appear +fond of me, because she had no children of her own. But I did all I +could to make myself of use, and certainly I did the work of any two of +our usual apprentices. Why did she always turn away her head when she +saw me, as nervous people do, when they see a poor blind worm, or a +mouse?--do you know why, little mother?" + +"Forget it, dear," she said. "Poor Rose was an unhappy woman; she took +no pleasure in anything. _She_ really never was young at any time; not +even as a little girl--I never saw her really merry, while I used to be +full of mirth and mischief. In our own home, where we lived before our +dear mother died, it was quite different to this ridiculous little +puffed-up place, which is neither town nor country, and where people +are always standing upon their dignity, even though they were to +perish with it in their own dullness. When I hear of your stupid +dancing-lessons, and of the amusements you have here, that can as +little enliven the dreary winter, as the couple of wretched little +oil-lamps can the dull streets--then I really do feel as if I were--not +nine-and-twenty--but nine-and-ninety; and as if I had lived so long--so +long as to remember the days, when the children of men were innocent +and dwelt in Paradise." + +"Did you ever care for dancing?" + +"I danced all day, like the mermaids. Wherever I went and stood, I had +the three-quarter time in my toes, and the prettiest of the quadrille +tunes; and so I danced at my spinning-wheel, and while I was watching +the kitchen-fire, or plaiting up my poor mother's hair, who could not +easily lift her arms. Nay, even in church, I have caught myself singing +the Psalms, and beating valse time with my foot--and terribly ashamed I +was, afterwards, when I thought what a sin it was. It was a disease I +had; but I was soon cured. Ever after I found out that I had given +away my heart to a heartless man, my feet seemed shod with lead. I +never entered a ballroom again; and though in church my thoughts +were often far away, they were not in a merrier place, but in a +quieter--darker--farther above, or below the earth." + +A silence followed, and they heard the watchman pass again, and the +clock strike twelve. + +"This is the hour for the ghosts to dance," said Walter with a laugh, +and a sort of superstitions shudder. "What do you say to taking a turn, +little mother? I don't know why, but I do feel a most inordinate desire +to see you dance. The Meister is still at the Star. On a Saturday, you +know, he never comes home till one o'clock. We have the house to +ourselves, and may do what we please, without anybody's being the +wiser--unless indeed, that ricketty old cupboard should chance to fall +upon us, and crush us, and send us dancing into all eternity. Hey! +mamma, what do you say?" + +He had jumped up, stroked back his hair, and stood before her, with a +make-believe of buttoning his gloves, and settling his necktie. + +"Foolish fellow!" she said. "What has come to him to-night? He sings, +he falls in love, and now in the dead of night, he comes and calls upon +his own old mother to stand up and dance with him! Is this what comes +of spoiling sons, and letting them grow over their mother's heads?" + +"Suffer me to say you are mistaken, honoured madam," he began, with +mock devotion. "It is, on the contrary, your duty, as guardian of my +unguarded youth--your serious duty--to convince yourself that I really +do grow in grace, and make progress in those ornamental branches of +education, which are indeed most foreign to my nature. At the close of +my course of dancing-lessons, it might be considered proper to hold +some species of examination." + +She raised her eyes to his, with a look so grave, as to tone down his +mischievous mood at once. + +"It is time to have done with nonsense," she said; and her voice +sounded almost sharp. "I would say goodnight, and leave you to yourself +this moment, only I see that you are not nearly ready for sleep, nor +will be, for ever so long--go, fetch the book. Even if you should not +learn much to-night--which indeed does not seem likely--it may help us +to get this nonsense out of your head, and that is always something +gained." + +He sighed as he walked towards the narrow bookshelf upon the cupboard. +"Well, I suppose I must obey--for a change," he said, with a shake of +his head. "Only if I should never know anything more of Barbarossa, +than that his beard was red, it will be nobody's fault but yours." + +"Well, and I suppose--for a change--I must temper my justice with +mercy," she said, returning to a jesting tone. "Leave that history, and +come and sit down here at my feet, and let me talk to you of gods and +heroes; and if you are a good boy, and pay attention, I will shew you +the pictures afterwards, as a reward." + +She took up the little blue volume she had been looking through before. +"I only found this yesterday," she said, "in the lumber-room upstairs; +the title is 'Goetterlehre,' and it was edited in the last century by a +man called Moritz. There are some good verses of Goethe's in it; I know +you will like them." + +He resumed his place at her feet, and she began. She had a clear voice, +and used it simply; only when her feelings became excited it would sink +to a moving melodious contralto. After she had read the first few +pages, and waxing warmer, began to recite the passage: "To which of +these immortals, the highest prize?" &c., &c.--the words almost turned +to song. She read the poem slowly to the end, and gently closing the +book--"How do you like it?" she whispered. + +He did not answer. The eyes that had been dreamily fixed on the blue +ring of flickering light upon the ceiling, had been dropping gradually, +till at last they closed. His head was resting on her knee; he breathed +softly, and smiled in his sleep. "Is he thinking of his last valse?" +she said to herself, looking thoughtfully down on his cloudless brow, +and at the full red lips, above which a line of soft yellow down had +begun to shew itself. The lines of that blooming face were certainly +far from regular; but even in sleep, there was an intellectual charm +about it--a spiritualized sense of humour--that ennobled its +expression. Those lips had certainly never parted to laugh at or to +utter a scurrile jest. + +Thus she sat gazing on the placid face of the sleeper; till wearied by +the thoughts that came sweeping through her brain in the stillness of +the night, she leaned back in her chair, her eyelids drooped, and she +too, fell into a slight dreamy kind of sleep. + +An hour elapsed. The wind blew the casement open, with a gust of damp +night-air that extinguished the little lamp that had almost consumed +its oil. + +A heavy dragging step was heard upon the stairs. She heard it even +through her dream, though the darkness prevented her waking quite. The +door opened, and a lantern threw its full ray of vivid light full upon +her face. She started up in alarm: "Is that you, Meister?" she said, +hastily passing her hand across her eyes. + +A strange figure was standing on the threshold--a tall man between +fifty and sixty, in a long loose coat trimmed with fur, buttoned over a +faded red velvet waistcoat. He wore a cap or barret, placed so far +forward upon his grizzling curls, as also to cover the half of his +flushed forehead. One foot was shod with a coarse stout boot, and the +other, wrapt out of all shape, with a large felt slipper. + +For all his uneven gait, and his uncouth appearance, there was that +about him which was well calculated to quell any inclination to laugh; +and the look from those sinister dark eyes, directed towards the group +formed by the two young people, was enough to make even this fearless +girl quail. + +"What does all this mean?" he said, as he came forward and placed his +lantern upon the table. "What are you two doing here at this hour? Is +the boy asleep, or have you been acting a play?" + +"I do not profess to understand you;" she answered, flushing up with +pride and scorn. "He is asleep, as you see. We were reading, and he +fell asleep; and then I did too." + +"And the lamp? Why was the window suddenly darkened when I came up to +the house-door? Did you mean to make me believe that you were in bed, +and had been asleep for hours?" + +She bent over the lad, and took him by the shoulder: "Get up, Walter," +she said; "the Meister is here, and I wish to go to my own room, and +not to hear any more of what he may please to say in his drunken--" + +"Who dares to say it is the wine I have drunk that makes me speak?" he +broke out in a tone so fierce, that the sleeper started, and springing +to his feet, stood upright before him with a penitent mien. + +"Go to bed, Walter," he continued, with more moderation. "It is nearly +two o'clock. This is not to be borne! At this hour of the night--" His +eye caught the girl's, who had now recovered her usual self-possession. +"Ah, well!" he growled, "it will be put a stop to soon, in one way or +another." Then--"I have somewhat to say to you, sister-in-law. I shall +not be able to get up to-morrow morning; I feel my pains in all my +joints, and my leg as heavy as a stone. So I shall expect to see you in +my room, Helen; Good-night." He lighted a candle, took up his lantern, +and limped downstairs again to his own room. + +The two he left behind him did not speak another word. The lad gave +Helen's hand a squeeze, and nodding to her with a look half penitent, +half drowsy, he went up to the garret-room he shared with the first +apprentice, Peter Lars, who had been asleep for hours. He threw off his +clothes, listening to the cats that were running riot upon the roof; +and only then remembered that he had left Lottchen's crimson bow to +perish with the others, instead of taking it up with him to sleep upon. +He laughed to himself before he fell asleep. "She is right," he +thought; "I don't suppose it _is_ the real thing." + + + * * * + + +Next day was Sunday, and Helen went downstairs betimes, to knock at the +Meister's door. He was lying upon the bed half dressed, in a faded +green dressing-gown, with a blanket thrown over his ailing leg; while +on the knee of the sound one, rested a heavy old book of plates, with +views of churches and Roman ruins. The room was on the ground-floor, at +the back of the house, and was filled with a greater disorder of +artistical fancy than even the parlour upstairs. + +When Helen came in, he rested his head of weird grizzling locks upon +his fist, and partially raised himself. He only gave a slight nod by +way of salutation; he seemed to be bent on letting her speak first. + +In the middle of the room she stopped. "You wanted to speak to me, +brother-in-law?" she said very composedly. + +"Take a seat, will you, Helen;" and he pointed to a carved tripod stool +that was covered with drawings and rolls of paper. + +"Thank you, no. I hope you will not want me long; I am busy, for +Christel is at church, and there is no one in the kitchen. What was it +you wished to say to me?" + +He hesitated a moment, and threw a hasty glance to try and find out the +mood she might be in. Her serious face remained impassive. + +"Doctor Hansen, the notary, was at the 'Star' last night," began the +Meister, while he turned over the leaves of his book with a show of +indifference. "He has never been seen in a wine-house, you know, since +that sick sister of his died. And this time he had a particular reason +for coming; and while he was walking home with me, he told me that +reason. In short, he wants to marry you, Helen!" + +She did not move a muscle. + +"What made him speak to you about it?" she said, very coldly. + +"He wanted to know if I thought you hated him." + +"What could he have done to make me hate him?" + +"What indeed? He is an honorable man--there is not a contrary opinion +in the town; only he believes himself to be the object of your +particular aversion. Every time he tried to speak to you, he says, you +frowned and turned away." + +"If I did, it was because I soon saw what he wanted of me. Where's the +use of being civil to a man, if he has to be rejected in the end?" + +"And why rejected?" + +She paused before she spoke: "Be candid, brother; did he not ask you +what my fortune was?" + +"He asked me nothing of the kind." + +"He had heard then, without asking, as much as was necessary for him to +know. He is considered a clever man of business, I believe?" + +"What of that? can't a man of business have human feelings as well as +another? At all events he is in love now, Helen." + +"In love, is he? you don't say so," and her lips quivered strangely as +she spoke; "how can he find time for that piece of folly, with all his +business? However, I suppose I should feel grateful to him, so you had +better save him farther trouble, and tell him that I cannot have the +honor--that I regret,--and so forth; and to comfort him, you can tell +him what a cross-grained treacherous race I come of, and what a +miserable mistake you made in marrying my sister. Only think how that +poor man would be to be pitied, if I were to play him such a terrible +trick, as poor Rose played you, and light the stove with all I am +worth, and only leave enough to bury me! Tell him that story, brother, +and I dare say he will be completely comforted." + +She had turned white as she was speaking, and kept her eyes fixed upon +him, with a look of cool defiance he was not able to withstand; only +when she was about to leave the room, and put an end to farther +discussion, he recovered himself again. "I have not done yet;" he said +gloomily. + +"Not yet?--but my patience will not last much longer." + +"_Nor_ mine. I tell you plainly, I will not stand this nonsense with +the boy. In putting a stop to it I am only doing my duty by him." + +"How long have you been so conscious of your duty to him?" + +"Let by-gones be by-gones!" he said violently; "you will not stop my +mouth with them, as you suppose. I tell you I can't bear to see your +goings on with him; petting and patting that great grown fellow! I say, +it is bad for him, do you hear me?--and if you don't give over, I shall +find means to make you; you may take my word for it." + +She opened her great grave eyes, and held her peace. Her +self-possession appeared to embarrass him, and he went on in a quieter +tone. + +"I know what he owes you well enough; and what I have to thank you for; +there can be no question of that. If things had gone on as they did +when the boy first came, it would have been the ruin of him, body and +soul. It is bad for children to feel themselves hated, and I was not in +a position to save him from the feeling. You were a mother to him then, +and his affection for you is no more than natural--within proper +bounds. Wherever these are not, the devil steps in, and sows his tares. +I need not explain my meaning; enough--he is now nineteen, and you are +no more than nine-and-twenty. Don't let me see this sort of thing +again. He is _not_ to fall asleep over his reading as he did yesterday, +and the lamp _need_ not go out." + +He averted his face, let his head fall back upon his pillow, and drew +up his suffering leg. Whether he really was in pain, or only wished to +break off the conversation, was not quite evident. + +After a moment of breathless silence on both sides: "It is well," she +said, with smothered utterance; "there are not many things in the world +that could surprise me now; from _you_, nothing!--but that your way of +thinking could be so base as this, even I could scarce be prepared +for." + +"Oho!" he said, very coolly. "Be so good as to spare these grand +expressions for an occasion where they may seem more fitting. What I +now say, and what I intend to do, I am ready to account for before any +jurisdiction whatever, and call on my own seeing eyes to witness. +Lovers are blind, we all know that; only they need not suppose other +people to be blind as well." + +"Lovers!" she echoed, with an irrepressible gust of passion. + +"Lovers; I say, lovers;" he repeated, with emphasis: "He, at least, is +on the high-road to that condition, whether he be aware of it or not; +and you must have lived these nine-and-twenty years in a maze, if you +really do not see that you are over head and ears in love with the boy. +You don't mean to come to me, I hope, with that trash and nonsense +about adoption and maternal feelings. The thing is as I state it, +whatever you may please to say. But if you do search your heart, and +ask yourself what is to be the end of it--whether you mean to go on +rejecting respectable men who would make good husbands, for the sake of +your nonsensical love-scenes with a half grown hobbledehoy----" + +"Enough," she interrupted him, with glowing cheeks: "Now I assuredly do +know enough of yourself and your opinions. They cannot affect me much, +for I never had any ambition with regard to them. There are many things +in which we differ, only before I turn my back upon you, I should be +glad to hear what you have resolved upon in this matter." + +"As I have repeatedly told you; I am resolved to make an end of this, +and part you two, the sooner, the better." + +"And how?" + +"As it turns out. If you take the wisest course, and marry Dr. Hansen, +it would be the best plan for all of us, and a better proof of your +sincerity with your motherhood, than all this ranting, and shrugging of +shoulders. If you cannot make up your mind to this, the boy will have +to go." + +"As a Wanderbursch? As a common house-painter?" + +"As a house-painter, of course; what else can he be? you know I am not +in a position to send him to an architectural school, or to afford his +keep for six or seven years, instead of having him here, to help me to +an honest livelihood, now that I am half a cripple." + +"Well, you have spoken frankly to me," she answered after a pause; "and +I suppose for that much, I ought to thank you. What must be, will be, +one way or the other; meantime you are at liberty to think what you +please--and I know what I have to think." + +She turned to the door, but as she laid her hand on the lock, he called +after her: "I asked Hansen to dine with us to-day. I don't intend to +say a word more upon the subject. You must give him your answer +yourself." + +She said nothing, she only gave an absent nod, and went--but not into +the kitchen. Her heart beat violently as she flew upstairs, to take +refuge in her own room. It was off the sitting-room, with two narrow +windows, that looked out on the sunny street. As soon as she felt +herself alone, she sat down upon her bed, for her knees were knocking +under her, and she could scarcely stand. She sat staring at the motes +dancing in the sunbeam, that fell aslant upon the floor. As rapid and +impalpable as those whirling atoms, was the vortex in her brain. At +last, her eyes ran over; and, in a gush of passionate tears, she poured +forth the pain and grief she had repressed so sternly and so +scornfully, through all that hostile conference below. + + + * * * * * + + +About this time, Walter came in from a French lesson which, on Helen's +advice, he was in the habit of taking after early church. He went +straight to a large low room upon the ground-floor. The dining-table +stood in the centre of it, and a few old presses and cupboards, ranged +round the walls, contained the Meister's whole stock of decorative +designs, and all his plans and patterns.--Here, it was evident, a +feminine hand kept order. The boards of the dinner-table were polished +white with scrubbing. The sand lay still immaculate upon the floor, and +the large pots of ivy by the windows, shaded the purest, brightest +panes. + +The room looked to the court and garden, and was entirely sunless; so +that Walter, who had taken out his drawing-board, and seated himself in +the best light, undisturbed by a single ray, very soon became absorbed +in his work. + +There was an old villa outside the town, that had formerly belonged to +a family of rank, and had now been purchased by the rich Burgermeister. +There, among other rooms that wanted painting, was a large saloon in +the Rococo style, that had to be restored from the very foundation. And +for many weeks past, the Meister had refused all other orders, that he +might finish this master-piece within the appointed time.--Here, as +every where, Walter had to help him vigorously. But while with bold +pencil, he was grouping arabesques and wreaths of fruit and flowers, +adapted from old engravings, to renovate the obliterated ceiling in its +original style, he found it far more interesting to study the whole +plan of the building, and then, taking note of its measures and +proportion's, to work it out at leisure, after his own head, with its +sections, height and basements. He had only a sweet stolen hour or two, +on holidays, to spend on these. The Meister snarled and scolded him, +when he came in and caught him at such allotria--"Where's the good +of them?" he growled. "There are many things more needful to our +business--" + +To-day, however, the old man was safe in his own room, tied by the leg, +and could not possibly disturb him; so he worked on quietly and +quickly, and hoped to have done by dinner-time. + +All at once the door opened, and in slipped a small dark figure, with +his hands in his trowser's pockets, and his close shorn raven head +slightly inclined towards his left shoulder, which was visibly some +inches higher than his right one. He kept the lower part of his face on +the stretch of an everlasting grin--and while the thin lips always +seemed prepared for a whistle or a jovial smack, the restless grey eyes +had wicked gleams of malice, and cunning, and consuming desire. + +"Good morning, young genius;" he said, coming round the table with +noiseless step; "busy as a bee?--When you come to my time of life," (he +was barely five-and-twenty), "you will have spent a good part of that +speed, and will be glad enough to take your Sundays easily as I do, in +having a good long sleep, and then in pleasantly getting rid of your +wretched wages, that are certainly not worth the keeping. Even now, if +you were not such a stiffnecked sort of virtue, I should say to you: +'Put that scrawl in the fire, and come with me. I could show you where +you may taste a sound French wine, that is well worth its price." + +"Much obliged to you," said Walter coldly, "your taste is not mine, +Peter Lars; and I can't stand wine in the morning--" + +"I know you can't," sneered Peter. "You are such a pattern of +propriety!--And for as tall and as broad as you are, you let yourself +be led about by a piece of womankind, like a cockchafer tied to a +thread. What we men think of that, you never care to know." + +"Men!" echoed Walter, and with all the young fellow's kindheartedness, +he could not repress the look of irony that stole over his features. + +"I say, men;" repeated the little dark one, and stretched himself in +all his limbs. "One need not be six foot high, to feel oneself a man by +the side of women's darlings, and giant babies in swaddling clothes." + +"Thank Heaven, then, Peter Lars, for having made a man of thee, and go +thy ways rejoicing--What's the use of coming here to worry me? can't +you leave me to myself in peace? Do I look after you?" Peter came close +up to him, and peered in his face with a wicked smile. + +"I do not mean to disturb you long," he said; "but I could not deny +myself the pleasure of congratulating so dutiful a son, on the +acquisition of a bran new step-papa. Ha! now I see our bright young +genius can vouchsafe to look at me;" and, in fact, Walter was staring +at him in speechless surprise. + +"What are you talking of?"--he said impatiently. + +"Of nothing, and of nobody less, than Mamsell Helene! who does not mean +to content herself, with petting her great big boy for ever; and begins +to feel a hankering after real legitimate babies of her own, and of +more natural dimensions." + +"Don't be stupid!"--and Walter laughed, half in anger, and half amused +at the idea. It had never occurred to him before. "_She_ never means to +marry! That is a fact I happen to know." + +"None of your arrogant contradictions, I beg," retorted Peter; "one may +be a very bright young genius, and yet see nothing of what is passing +in broad daylight--I have it upon the best authority. I know she is +going to be married, and moreover I can tell you, to whom." + +"Tell me then." + +"What can that signify to you?--To you, one step-father must be just as +inconvenient as another. Those happy days are over, when you made rain +and sunshine, and used to be her darling, and the core of her heart, +and the apple of her eye. At least the new Papa would be a terrible +ninny, if he were not prepared to decline with thanks a wedding present +as large as life--of such a stepson. And, indeed, it should be all one +to me, as well. Having always had the honor of enjoying the haughty +damsel's undivided aversion, it can make no difference to me, whether +her choice be M. or N.; it does not in any way alter my position, as a +vermin,--toad, bug, spider, worm--what you please--to be trodden upon +and crushed, were it not for the risk of soiling a dainty shoe----" + +"Nonsense--you exaggerate, as you always do--but tell me--" + +"Whether I exaggerate or not, nobody can tell except myself;" and he +distorted his ignoble mouth to a grimace of atrocious spite. "Why +should I make any secret of it?--On this very spot, not ten days ago, I +came and made her a formal offer of my hand and heart. Upon which she +just walked out and left me standing, as if I had been an idiot, not +worth answering!--Bah!--I can laugh at it now!--I can't think what +possessed me! I am not such a beggar as to care for her thalers. +If it were not for my own amusement, I could throw over the whole +concern--give up this daubing and scrawling business, and go home to my +own place, where my father and mother are well to do, living +comfortably on their own broad acres.--Only I was such an ass as to be +smitten with this scornful damsel, and I would have been willing to +forget that she is no chicken; (several years older than myself in +fact.) And she--I tell you she looked at me as if a toad had spit its +venom on her. Death and damnation! wouldn't I have given her a piece +of my mind! Only I thought: '_She_ will never marry--she will have +nobody--she must have found a thing or two in her past life, to disgust +her with man and marriage;' and so I choked upon my wrath. But this is +quite another affair. If she hangs out other colors, and capitulates to +another suitor, I see she did not think me good enough--" + +He swallowed down the rest of his abuse, and only waved about his +hands, in confused convulsive gesticulation. + +"Are you sure of what you are saying?" asked Walter in a low voice, +that was trembling with some strong suppressed emotion. "Who is the +man?--is it a settled thing?--And yet no--it is impossible--only last +night--" + +"What do you venture to call impossible, when you are speaking of a +woman?? Bah! teach _me_ their tricks and dodges!--_I_ saw how late it +was last night, when you left her!--I dare say she would not let you +go, but coddled you to her heart's content, it being the last time. But +I tell you it is as true--as true as that the sun is shining.--She +is going to be married--and her choice is no other that wretched +quilldriver of a lawyer--" + +"Hansen?--the Doctor?"-- + +"If he be not the man, and my story be not true, I give you leave to +call me rogue. Just now I was in the little lumber room off the +Meister's, where he keeps his samples of colors, and I was looking out +some that we shall want to-morrow--for he blew me up about them +yesterday--when I heard Mamsell Helene come into his room, and they had +a long confabulation. I could not hear it all, but the upshot of it +was, that she means to take him. Of course she made a fuss about +it--but when he said: 'He is to dine with us to-day, and you can give +him your answer,' she was mum as a mouse. If she did not mean it to be +favorable, I much mistake her if she would not have declined the +pleasure of eating her dinner with him first. She is not so fond of +speaking up, and saying no to a fellow, as I know by my own +experience." + +"Surely you must have heard wrong, Peter;" and the young fellow fell +into a fit of musing; "it can't be possible." + +"Can't be possible!--but what's the use of talking of men's business to +a baby. I only repeated the thing that I might not choke upon it. For a +girl like that, to go and marry a rusty fusty lawyer--a scribbler of +deeds and parchments! He has not a conception of what she is worth, +except in thalers! Ha!--would not she be a delicate morsel for an +artist, who looks farther than a trifle of white and red and those +mincing ways that attract the crowd. What does a lawyer know about the +lines of her face?--and that she has a figure fit to drive a fellow +crazy? She does not show it off, to be sure--she wraps to the chin, as +if she were a mummy,--more's the pity!--a stone might weep to see her! +But for a man who has eyes in his head, one little finger is enough to +construe the whole figure by, and you might search the world over, +before you could find--" + +"Silence!" interrupted Walter passionately--"I will not hear another +word." He had sprung to his feet, with a flaming face. "Get out! I say, +and never let me hear that you have spoken your foul thoughts to any +other living soul--or else--" + +And he struck his clenched fist upon the table, with a violence that +made the very walls shake. + +"Milksop! baby face!" and Peter gnashed his teeth, while he retreated +from his immediate neighbourhood; "It shall go to its mother--it +shall--and have its pap--and sit on its own mammy's lap, and have a +smart new dress for her wedding-day. Ha! such a fellow as that is not +worthy of a man's confidence. I did feel sorry to see you in a cunning +woman's leading strings; and I pitied you--but now go to!--I despise +you as much as I pitied you before. We two have had our last words +together." + +And with his most vicious look, Peter sauntered away, whistling. + +Walter remained standing on the selfsame spot for half an hour, at +least, without moving. His brain was reeling--he fetched his breath +heavily, and shut his eyes, as though he felt ashamed to see himself by +the light of day, while such thoughts were seething in his imagination. +At last he heard Helen's step upon the stairs; he felt as if he had +been scalded, and impelled by some inexplicable instinct, he seized his +cap, and fled; through the garden, out into the open country. + +She heard him go, but she had no suspicion that it was from her he +fled; she went to the window and looked after him as long as she could +catch a glimpse of his long light hair among the leafless shrubberies. + +She thought she had wept away all that had been so heavy on her heart. +People who are sparing of their tears expect wonders from them, and the +good they are supposed to do, when they do flow. But she found they had +done very little to solace her. + +What made her weep so bitterly? She had long schooled herself to meet +aggression with the tranquil energy of a mind, that no contradiction of +fate can disappoint or surprise, for the reason that it is entirely +without hopes or wishes. + +She believed that she had nothing to expect from life--nothing to gain. +Now, she had been suddenly reminded how much she had to lose. + +First of all:--to a proud spirit the bitterest loss--confidence in her +own heart. Those unsparing words, concerning her relations with a +child, whom she had seen grow up to manhood, had sounded strange and +incomprehensible when she had first heard them--she believed that she +could shake them from her, as an insult. Other cares that had arisen +during that interview with her brother-in-law, had then appeared more +urgent. But as soon as she had found herself alone in her silent room, +all other cares had dissolved like shadows, and the words she had so +scornfully disowned--these words alone remained. + +She thought over the ten years that had passed, since she had first +entered that dreary house; when the intimidated boy, dumb between his +adopted parents, who quarrelled over him daily, with ever-increasing +discord, had come to her at once, and poured forth all the sorrows of +his little heart to her, and had clung to her with overflowing love and +confidence. Without many words, he had understood that she was to be +his protectress. + +It was a task she did not find easy always, especially as opposed to +her own sister. But the compensation was a thousandfold, in her +tenderness for the child, in whom his early hardships appeared to have +blighted all the gaiety and elasticity of his age; and now under her +genial influence, she saw these expand, brighter and more spontaneous, +from year to year. + +And she knew that he owed her more than this mere deliverance from +bodily durance. She had been as indefatigable in the tending of his +mind; in helping him to complete in private, the defective education of +the common school which he attended daily. In this, she had no small +opposition to suffer from her pupil and his artistic tastes; not to +speak of her own inclination to do his bidding, instead of enforcing +hers. Far pleasanter she would have found it, to sit working by his +side, listening to his good-humoured rattle, while he was busy over +some architectural drawing; than to tie him down to the thread of a +weary lesson-book, that was to drag him through some dry essentials of +education. But in all things she had taught herself to consider, first +of all, his real wants and future welfare. She had never trifled with +her maternal duties, nor been childish with her child. + +Was it strange that, in time, the course of all her plans and wishes +fell into this single channel? that, waking or sleeping, he was ever +before her eyes? that these followed him, unconsciously, in all his +movements when he was present; and, when absent, that she looked as +constantly towards the door, and listened to nothing so interesting as +his returning step? + +And now when she mentally compared him with, all the other men she had +known in all these years, was she not justified in believing that she +could do without any and all of these, if only he remained to her? And +there was no weak idolatry in this; she had never deceived herself. She +saw that he was neither handsome, nor graceful, not even of very +engaging manners; she often teased him about his awkward ways +and helpless movements, and his duncolored shock of hair; she +acknowledged that his features were commonplace; that his figure was a +clothes-stick, for all the tailor's pains to make a man of him. Yet +there was a charm about him, that even strangers and coarser natures, +she observed, seldom could resist; a breath of freshest, purest +youthfulness;--an innate tact of the heart; a dash of that genuine +genial humour, that lends wings to the soul, and raises it high above +the vulgar worship of any of the golden calves and idols of the day. It +was strange;--but with this young pupil of hers, in worldly matters a +child, she could discourse of the last aim and end of all mortal life, +as though they had been centenarians in experience, and in years. + +Thus it had been, and this had been their happiness; and was it to be +no more? had it suddenly become so dangerous? Was it now to be avoided +as a snare? She had been told to her face, that it was for the sake of +this lad, that she rejected all her suitors. Well, she would not +attempt to deny it. She would have deceived any man to whom she would +have sworn to be only his. This feeling had grown to be a passion; but +a passion that was hallowed by years of purest tenderness, of most +unselfish sacrifice. She looked upon him as her own; and had she not a +right to him?--what would he have been, without her? + +And was she really to give him up?--The thought was more than she could +bear. _He_ did not wish to leave her--_he_ knew how necessary she was +to him. Could there really be danger in remaining as they were?--To +him, certainly none; his whole life lay before him yet, wide and +distant. _He_ could not lose by perfecting his growth in shade and +solitude. To suppose that her own presence could prove dangerous to +him, seemed nothing less than madness. She felt herself older by ten +additional years to those she already was. + +Could he ever possess her heart more entirely than he already did? was +that possible?--And if it were, what harm could it do her?--She had +nothing else in life to make it valuable to her, but this one feeling. + +And yet she had been weeping,--long and bitterly. She felt as if some +mute veiled fate were ever by her side. With all her self-command, and +bracing resolutions, wherewith to strengthen herself in her own rights, +and in the consciousness that others could have no legitimate power +over her--except she gave it them--she could not overcome a feeling of +anxiety, and an instinct that their happiest days were over, and trials +and difficulties impending. + +The Meister's threat of sending the lad away on his Wanderschaft, had +not seriously alarmed her. She knew that he would scarcely make up his +mind to part with him. Certainly not to drive him to a course so +contrary to his inclinations. To dispose of him in any other way, in +the Meister's position, would have been simply impossible. Yes, there +had been hard times of want, when Helen had gladly come to his +assistance; and thus he had become dependent on her, in a manner that, +though she never took advantage of it, made him feel a sort of tacit +obligation to desist from any very violent opposition to her wishes. + +In fact no woman had less reason to fear the despotic interference of +any man in her fate. Yet words had been spoken, that never could be +made unspoken; and they had brushed the bloom off what had been dearest +to her on earth. + +She only became clearly aware of this, as she looked after his +retreating figure in the garden, and felt almost glad that she had not +met him; for the first time she might not have been able to look +straight into his eyes. She had no idea that, within the last hour, he +too had been startled out of the peace of his unsuspecting mind. She +believed that the suffering was hers alone; and in the midst of her +anxieties, she found no small comfort in the belief, that like a true +mother, she had contrived to conjure over her own devoted head, the +hostile elements that were threatening his. This helped her to recover +her composure, for in the more absorbing troubles, she had almost +forgotten the disagreeable task before her, of having definitively to +reject and mortify a man, for whom she had never felt anything worse +than indifference. + +When the clock struck the dinner-hour, she entered the large +dining-room with perfect self-possession; and received the notary, who +bowed low before her, as she would have received any other guest of her +brother-in-law. The Meister had left his bed, and joined them in his +dressing-gown, in anything but a holiday trim, or holiday humour. He +now lay stretched on a sofa, at a little distance from the table. An +old neighbour, a standing guest on Sundays, stood modestly waiting with +the two apprentice boys at the windows. + +Walter came in such visible perturbation that he could scarcely stammer +out the commonest forms of salutation. Nobody however seemed to notice +this, except his little mother; who, perplexed by the sudden change +in his demeanour, threw him a look of dismay, which he felt too +conscious-stricken to receive with calmness. + +The Meister enquired for Peter Lars, and scolded at his delay, until +they all sat down to table without waiting for him. + +It was some time before any kind of general conversation could be +established. Walter kept his eyes upon his plate, and held his tongue, +without attending to anything that was passing round him. The old +neighbour, who, in general, was rather fond of playing the connoisseur, +and holding forth in rambling dissertations on drawing and effects of +color, was silent this time, as he saw the Meister neither spoke nor +ate, but ground his teeth for self-command in bodily torture. The boys +were tongue-tied, naturally, in their master's presence; and thus on +Helen, and on the Notary, who sat opposite, the whole cost of the +conversation fell. + +There was nothing remarkable about his outward man. Only a fine +forehead, and a pair of clear calm eyes, were the attractions of his +face. And there was an expression of animated benevolence in his +countenance when he spoke, that, together with the masculine cast of +his features, was especially captivating to the confidence of his +hearers. + +After the first awkwardness of his meeting with Helen, he became gayer +and more conversible than he was ever known to be. He spoke of his +travels in Sweden and Norway; of the Scandinavian races; of their +customs and holidays; of their national songs. He talked pleasantly, +for he never generalized, either in praise or blame--each thing was +distinctly drawn, given in its own peculiar coloring, with its +distinctive touches. Even old Christel, who waited at table, left the +door ajar to listen to him longer; and the Sunday guest applauded with +approving nods, shoving in here and there a choice remark or two upon +Scandinavian Art, which the traveller was so kind as to leave +undisputed. + +And yet his pains were wasted. Helen's attention was an effort. Her +mind was engaged in speculations upon the possible cause of the cloud +that had come over her darling's spirits. + +She hazarded a jest or two, to win him over to the general +conversation. But a beseeching, almost frightened look, from the young +dreamer, had each time induced her to desist. + +The bottle of wine produced by Christel, had been emptied to the better +health of their host; it had been the lawyer's toast--who had returned +thanks silently by a slight nod. He had not drunk a drop, and hardly +waited for dinner to be over, to drag himself back to his own room, in +order to groan without restraint, and, unheard, curse his sufferings. + +While the table was being cleared away, the others had gone upstairs to +take their coffee in the sitting-room. There, between the pictures and +plaster-casts with which the walls were covered, stood an old +pianoforte. It had not been opened for years; but now at Helen's +request, Dr. Hansen had seated himself before it, and played a few +national melodies from the North. + +He then sang some of the songs, with a voice that, if somewhat +uncultivated, was very musical. + +Helen had taken her work to the window, where Walter stood gazing out +into the street, without taking any notice of what was passing. + +Under cover of the music she whispered a few questions. What ailed +him?--Had the Meister been scolding him? had he been quarrelling with +Peter Lars?--Peter's absence she thought suspicious. + +Walter only shook his head; and at last, seized with an unaccountable +fit of restlessness, he jumped up, and was about to escape for +a solitary walk, when just then the door opened, and visitors +entered. They were relations of the Meister's, Lottchen Klas and her +mother--Lottchen Ellas, who, but yesterday, had stood so high in her +partner's estimation. To-day he only felt annoyed, when the little maid +came smiling in under her mother's wing, with a shy look of +satisfaction, that made him conscious that his defection would be a +great offence to her especially. However he hardly spoke a civil word, +to either mother or daughter; and when Helen began some playful remark +about their party of the night before, he fetched a book from the +cupboard, and in the face of all good breeding, he settled himself to +read, as though he had been in the remotest solitude. + +Not long after, somebody proposed a walk, and, with the exception of +the old neighbour, who took his leave, the whole company was set in +motion. The mother walking in front, with Helen and Dr. Hansen; Walter +following with his pretty little partner. But he was as taciturn as +before--all along the peopled streets, and out by the town-gate to a +garden where the higher among the burghers were wont to enjoy their +Sunday afternoons,--he never spoke one word; he even neglected to bow +to passing acquaintances;--he had no eye for the dismayed little face +by his side, that grew cloudier and cloudier, until a shower of tears +appeared most imminently impending. Fortunately, before this crisis, +one of her yesterday's partners came up to the rescue, and did duty +both for himself and Walter. + +Now, if he had been so minded, he might have stolen away and relieved +his oppressed soul from the shackles of society. But in the morning he +had had occasion to find out, that the tangle of his ideas grew worse +in solitude. And besides, he felt irresistibly rivetted to Helen's +presence, with chains he could not break. He kept an anxious watch over +every gesture, every look, every word, that might possibly throw some +light on his chances of really losing her. + +He too had lived on heedlessly by her side, without ever asking +himself, how long this state of things was to last--What they called +the feeling that united them--so long as they _had_ it, what cared he? +From the time he could remember anything, or anybody, after the mother +that bore him, Helen had been the person most essential to his +existence. + +And the last few years, that had brought him to the age of manhood and +independence, had only served to strengthen the closeness and +confidence of their relations. In the same proportion as he had grown +beyond her guidance in commoner things, he came more eagerly to seek it +in every thing that perplexed his head or heart. What she had been to +him;--sister, mother, friend, play-fellow--grave or gay, the companion +of every hour--he had no name for it. Indeed, he had never thought of +naming it: with regard to her, the terms handsome--charming--least of +all dangerous--had no sense for him; she was herself, and that was all +he cared for. + +And now he was suddenly to reconcile himself to the perception, that +she was a woman like other women, creating passions;--attracting men, +awakening jealous rivalry. The idea seemed so preposterous, that he +felt as if his own life had become strange to him. Only last night, +when she had told him of her first love, he had listened, as he had +done when they used to tell each other fairy tales, and expound each +other's dreams--and now these most inconceivable realities had to be +accepted as facts--one man had been a suitor for her hand; another had +been silently rejected by her.--Would these last pretensions find no +favor in her eyes?--and if they did?--How insupportable he found the +torture, when he tried to think of her as the wife of any man living. +In his unsullied soul, there arose an indefinable sensation of wrong +and shame, that ran through his veins like liquid fire. He would have +given his life to shield her from a look; and when he recalled the +coarseness of his comrade's words, he involuntarily clenched his fist. +And yet, while he was walking behind her now, he could not take his +eyes from her. For the first time, he observed the grace of every +movement; he silently compared the classical lines of her neck and +shoulders, to the massive shapelessness of the elder lady, and the +insignificant prettiness of her little daughter. His eyes were opened, +and they saw her graceful walk, and the way she placed her slender +feet; and--when she turned to speak to her companion--the regularity of +her clearly cut profile, seen in the relief of her dark bonnet; and +then the glitter of her white teeth, when her lips parted, as they +often did, without a smile, but with a pensive and rather lofty look, +that was in keeping with the deep low tones of her voice. + +Indeed she never smiled, unless when she was talking to him; this +discovery rewarded him for his eager watchfulness, when she was talking +to other men. She _did_ love him best; there could be no doubt of that. +Why then tolerate the attentions of a stranger, if he was to be nothing +more? + +Thus he questioned himself, in his perplexity; when the perception +suddenly flashed upon him, that after all, if she _did_ feel youthfully +enough to begin life afresh, he certainly had no business to prevent +her--What compensation had he to offer her? Was it not the idea of a +maniac, to suppose that she was to go on for ever, sacrificing her life +to his; waiting upon him so long as he should think fit to go on +calling her his little mother, and keep dangling by her apron-string? + +When they came to the coffee-garden, they found there was a band in the +saloon of the house, playing valses, and summoning the younger among +the loungers to go in and dance them; an impromptu ball was soon +arranged. The elders sat in the sunshine before the windows, +occasionally turning their heads from their coffee-cups, to look round +at the dancing vortex within, and see how their young people were +amusing themselves. + +Lottchen had asked and obtained her mother's permission to join the +dancers, and now stood evidently waiting for Walter's assistance, to +take advantage of it. But he rose, and pleading a bad headache, he +walked away to escape from the noise and crowd; so with a sigh of +undisguised regret, she saw herself forced to accept the offered arm of +his more willing substitute.-- + +Helen saw what was going on but too plainly, and she had begun to +divine that she herself might be the cause of Walter's change of +spirits. How could he have heard of his adopted father's intentions? +and if he _had_ heard of them, why should they so affect him?--The +notion that jealousy could have any share in his vexation, never +suggested itself to her mind for a moment. She wanted to talk it over +frankly with him; only he had taken himself and his gloom for a +solitary saunter, along the highroad, past the last detached houses, +towards the open country, perfectly insensible to the charms of a +lovely afternoon in early spring. He came to a halt before an ancient +country-house long since deserted, and stood looking through the +railings at the neglected garden--The dried-up basin of the fountain, +that had long ceased to flow, was now filled up with decaying leaves +and exuberant nettles. + +A kneeling nymph in the scanty drapery of the French school, with her +urn gently inclined, seemed bending over it, in melancholy +contemplation of the weeds. It was a pretty little figure, and would +have deserved a better fate. Now the sparrows made a perch of her +polished shoulders, and the wreath upon her head was crumbling into +dust. What kept Walter standing there so long, on the spot from which +he could best see the contours of that figure as they stood out against +the darkness of the grotto? + +A measure or two of the merry music swept past him, borne on the +evening wind; he looked as if he were waiting for the lonely beauty to +rise to her feet, and come towards him. He could not tire of gazing on +those slender lines of beauty, which many a time before, he had passed +without even seeing, for all his artist eye--and now they seemed to +haunt him; he began to feel uneasy; he tore himself away, and heaving a +deep sigh, he thoughtfully retraced his steps. + +He arrived just in time to see his party break up, but he did not join +it. He followed at a distance, keeping his eye upon it. + +This time, mother and daughter walked in front, with Lottchen's +partner; while Helen and Dr. Hansen followed. He saw that she spoke +kindly to him, and fancied he could see that the lawyer no longer +doubted the fulfilment of his wishes. Now he even saw her laugh, at +something her suitor said. + +Their way home took them past the house where Dr. Hansen lived; they +stopped before it, and he pointed upwards, and said something, to which +she returned no answer; but her eyes followed the direction of his +hand, and then they both walked on, as it appeared, in a graver mood. + +Their distant watcher concluded that all was settled, and a feeling of +unutterable wretchedness overcame him. He stopped, and tried to think +where he was, and whither he was going?--He did not know, and he did +not care--Anywhere!--Only not to that home where he should inevitably +have to face her. + +One of his former play-fellows came past, and found him standing; they +exchanged a few words, which ended in Walter's accepting an invitation +to take a glass of wine with him, and, arm in arm, the two young men +walked away, and turned down another street. + + + * * * * * + + +Meanwhile, conversing on indifferent subjects, the others had reached +the Meister's door; and here the women separated; but the lawyer +remained standing upon the threshold, as if he found it quite +impossible to part from Helen in this uncertainty. + +She had looked round, more than once, for Walter, whose absence +disquieted her; she was not so entirely absorbed, however, in this +anxiety, as to forget the feelings of her present companion. She, too, +desired that they might come to an explication. + +"This morning, my brother-in-law told me what you had confided to him." +she began, in a calm tone, but not with any coldness; "I have to thank +you for all the kindness and regard, which I acknowledge to be the +motives of the wishes you expressed to him. I have always entertained a +high consideration for you, and taken pleasure in your society. But my +life does not admit of any farther change. I do not wish to form any +other ties. I shall be quite contented if I may continue the old ones; +and have none of them prematurely broken. I owe you this frank +explanation, and I hope it will not lower me in your esteem." + +He turned white, and some time passed before he spoke; "You will not +send me away without one ray of hope; may I never be any more to +you?--Ah! do not say that this is your only answer!" + +"Indeed it must be. I should be very sorry to deceive myself, or you." + +"And is there nothing else to part us, save your own disinclination to +change your present life?" + +"My present life is enough for me;"--and she reddened slightly. "And I +find its duties sufficiently absorbing. Besides--but let us say no +more; my reasons are my own, and you may be convinced that I should +oppose no trifling ones. Give up this idea, I beg--indeed, it would not +be for your happiness." + +She did not finish, for she saw that he did not listen; he bowed low, +and turned away, and left her without another look. + +His whole manner had surprised and touched her; for worlds she would +not have given this earnest man the reasons that she had used against +her brother-in-law. She stood at the door awhile, and looked down the +street, to see if Walter was not coming home. + +The night had quite closed in; a mild warm night like midsummer. She +could scarcely say why she felt so strangely loath to go into the +house. + +At last she went upstairs, without first going into the Meister's room +to bid him good night, though she heard him hobbling about, in evident +expectation of her coming in to give him an account of what had passed. +But she longed to be alone; and the moment she reached her room, she +drew the bolt after her, and lightened her bosom with a few deep drawn +sighs. It was so dark, that she groped about some time before she could +find her matchbox, which was not in its proper place. Altogether, she +thought, some one must have been there, and disturbed the method of her +usual arrangements. At last she found her lamp; but before she had +lighted it, a musing mood came over her, to which she found the +darkness most congenial. + +She went to the window, and leaning her brow against the cool glass, +she tried to live over the last few hours. + +Here, on this very spot, she had poured forth her whole heart in a +torrent of tears. Now she felt it aching still, but there was a +sweetness in the pain. + +She now foresaw that from year to year she would become lonelier and +more alone, and that at last she _would_ have to give up the only being +she loved. But her affection for him--_that_ she felt, nothing ever +could oblige her to give up. Even if he could be happy without her, +she, at least, never could care for any happiness that severed them. + +On reflection, she became more composed; nay, cheerful. She began to +long for his return, that they might have a quiet evening together like +the last. + +All at once, she heard a sound quite close to her, she thought it might +be he, and that she had overheard his step in the next room. + +"Is it you, night-rover that you are, Sir?" + +No answer--yet she felt certain that she had not mistaken. She listened +with sharpened attention; again that suppressed sound. "Who is there?" +she called out, with a leaping heart. Still no answer!--She went to the +table to light her lamp; suddenly a dark shadow was at her side, and a +nimble hand stopped hers, as she was about to strike a light. She was +not much startled: + +"What are you doing here, Walter?" she said, drawing back; "how did you +get in? I thought I had bolted the door.--God in Heaven!" she shrieked. +"Peter Lars!--how is this!--What brings you here?" + +It was so dark that she could not have recognised him; except for a +peculiar trick which he had, and she hated; a hoarse way of breathing +audibly. + +And now she could distinguish the outline of his figure, and +involuntarily retreated towards the door; but with one bound, he had +intercepted it-- + +"Don't be frightened, Mamsell Helene," he said, with an ugly nervous +laugh; "I mean no harm. It is not, to be sure, that darling poppet, our +young man, who rules the house. It is only the vermin, Peter Lars, that +creeping, crawling worm. But a worm won't hurt you, if you don't crush +it, and unless you really mean to set that pretty foot of yours upon my +ugly head, and--" + +"What do you mean by taking such a liberty?" she interrupted him, with +a show of self-possession: "Who ever gave you leave to come here, into +my room to make a scene? I should have imagined you to be sufficiently +aware of my opinion of you." + +"Exactly so," he sneered. "It is precisely because I _am_ aware of it, +my very dear Mamsell, that I desire to know the reason of it, and what +I ever did to vex you. And as you never yet have done me so much honor +as to speak to me when we meet elsewhere, I took the liberty of waiting +for an interview here. If you should vouchsafe to tell me that I am +drunk, allow me to tell _you_ that you are wrong. I give you my word I +have not drunk a drop more than I found necessary to untie my tongue. +Pluck, you know, my dear young lady, is a thing a man never can have +too much of; and now I have enough to ask you what you are pleased to +object to in my humble person. Eh! we are so cosy here, quite by +ourselves--couldn't you be a trifle kinder? Or have you really no +kindness left for Peter Lars? Have you been so lavish to your own sweet +poppet, and to that precious quilldriver, your new betrothed? Have you +nothing to say to a fine young fellow like myself, an aspiring artist, +who is, without bravado, worth ten of such?" + +"Be silent, sir, and leave the room this instant!" commanded Helen. +"Not another word! and you may thank the wine you have drunk, if this +insolence--" + +"Oho! fair lady, softly! you will be ready to come down a peg or two in +a moment; after all, we are two to one, myself and my wine; and when my +pluck is up--not to speak of my love, and I adore you--Nay," he added +in a lower voice, "I would not harm you for the world. I really had no +bad intentions. If you had not been so stupid as to spoil my sport, and +find me out before it was time, I should have let you go to bed in +peace. I meant to have crept out after I had made sure that you could +not possibly escape me, nor shirk the answers to a question or two I +have to ask. I do assure you, proud Mamsell, I have the greatest regard +for you--quite a respect--and for all my pluck, if I do stand here to +keep you from the door, it is only because--" + +He did not see the dangerous light in her eyes; her silence and +apparent impassiveness misled him. + +"It would almost appear that I really have been so fortunate, as to hit +upon a humaner mood. If you would but listen to reason, adored Mamsell, +you would find that the varmint, Peter Lars--" + +At the same moment he found himself firmly seized by the collar, and +thrust aside with a sudden jerk of a resolute woman's hand. + +In the darkness, he fell over a chair, and got his feet entangled among +the bed-curtains; foaming at the mouth with rage and hate, he freed +himself, and rose; but the bolt had been withdrawn, and the girl had +flown. + +She flew downstairs, and went straight into her brother-in-law's room, +waked him;--for as he lay on the sofa he seemed to have had the relief +of a short nap;--and told him what had happened. He rose in agitated +anger, took his burning candle, and went upstairs to her room with her. +But the room was empty. The little miscreant had escaped; In the whole +house there was not a trace of him to be found. The Meister called up +old Christel, bid her search carefully in every nook and corner, and on +no account whatever to open the door, if he should come back at a later +hour. Next morning he should be dismissed in form. Then he asked after +Walter, and growled when he heard that he had not yet come home; paced +up and down with angry gesticulation, heavily dragging his lame leg +after him, till at last he limped downstairs again, leaving his light +behind him, without saying one word to Helen, who had been standing +silent in the middle of the room. + +As soon as ever she found herself alone again, she bolted herself in, +with trembling hands, and sank upon a chair by her bedside, pressing +her face into her pillows, that she might neither hear nor see a single +object that reminded her of the disgraceful scene she had just gone +through. After a time the dead stillness of the house brought more calm +to her agitated spirit, and quieted the blood that coursed so wildly +through her veins. + +She rose and looked all through the room again, to convince herself +that she really was by herself. There was a recess where she kept her +dresses, closed by a curtain, and there he must have stood; she +shivered again as she saw the crumpled folds. To rid herself of the +odious recollection, she took down a book from her bookshelves, and +settled herself with it in a corner of the sofa. But to read it was not +so easy, she could not fix her scared ideas to the black letters before +her. + +She found it insufferably hot and close in that small room, but she +feared to stir out of it in case of another ambush. She put down her +book, took off the dress that confined her movements, and felt relieved +as she walked up and down, with uncovered neck and arms, plaiting up +her long dark hair for the night. + +Her candle was placed so near the glass, that she might have seen +herself quite easily; only her eyes were fixed upon the floor, and her +thoughts were far away. + +In this manner more than an hour elapsed, and her weariness began to +warn her, that it was time to seek some rest, when the door of the +adjoining room was cautiously opened, and she heard a light step cross +it, and a knock at her bolted door. After the first thrill of momentary +terror, the recollection came, that the house had been shut up, the +miscreant flown, and Walter not come home. + +"Is that you Christel?" she called through the door. A very subdued +"yes" came back to her. The old servant often used to come to her +before going to bed, to consult her in some kitchen dilemma. Without +farther demur, Helen unbolted the door--It was Walter who stood before +her in the darkness of the doorway. + +"It is I;" he stammered, with a beseeching, almost frightened glance; +both faces turned crimson in a moment. + +"Helen!" he began again, and she started when she heard him call her by +her Christian name. She felt his moody eager eyes upon her. In the +dress in which she now stood before him, she might have appeared in any +ballroom; only it had never so happened that he had occasion to see her +in any other than in her dark high morning-dresses of almost conventual +cut. + +"What brings you here?" she asked in a tone of cool severity, that was +to serve as a mask to the emotion within. "How could you so mislead me? +Could not you have told me it was you? Go now, at once. This is no hour +for conversation." + +He did not move, but stood gazing at her white shoulders, as if they +had been a vision. With ready tact, she felt that it was now too late +to cover them with a shawl, while a retreat towards the darker part of +the room, would have been an insult to herself. + +"Do you hear me?" she repeated, in a tone he could not but obey; "I +choose to be alone just now. Any thing you can have to say to me, must +keep. I am more vexed than you seem to be aware of. To think that _you_ +could deceive me! If it should happen again, we two are parted." + +His eyes fell before her angry looks, and then she turned away +abruptly, and went back to the table, as though he had been already +gone, and he did go. She heard him gently shut the door, and slowly +walk across the adjoining room. + +Before the last lingering step had died away, she was already steeped +in the bitterness of remorse and self-rebuke. She had condemned him +without a hearing. She called up the mute reproach of those mournful +eyes that had been gazing on her, and pictured to herself what he had +felt, when she had dismissed him thus. That day had separated them +more than they had ever been before. He had not been able to go to +sleep without talking it over, as they had always done. Now he had +come innocently to her door, and had answered her enquiry without +thinking--certainly without meaning mischief, and he had been sent away +like a detected culprit; expiating, unawares, the outrage of another +man, an hour before. + +She found it so intolerable to be alone with this remorse, that she +fastened on her dress again, took up her light, and went into the +sitting-room. + +She would have liked best to go straight up to his garret-room, to +excuse the flightiness of her temper, and to beg him to forget it and +forgive her, but from this, on reflection, she desisted. She would +rather go downstairs to old Christel, she thought, and speak to her +about some household matters; for which, to be sure, there was no +hurry, but she was yearning for the sound of some familiar human voice. + +When she came to the landing place, she was not a little startled at +seeing Walter sitting in the dark, on the upper steps, leaning his head +upon both his hands. She could not be certain whether he was awake, or +had fallen asleep; for he did not move when the door opened behind him. +She set down her candlestick upon the top of the banisters, and in a +moment she was seated by his side on the steps; he lifted up his head, +and made a movement, as if he would have risen and taken flight. + +"I beg your pardon," he said; "I hardly know myself, how I came to be +sitting here; but I will go upstairs directly--" + +"Stop one moment; pray do!" she whispered softly; "I am so glad to find +you here; I had no peace after I had been so cross to you. Forgive +me;--this has been an agitating day to me in many ways; there have been +many things to pain me, and I made you suffer, poor dear, for what you +could not help." + +He did not answer, but looked straight before him over the dark +staircase. + +"Are you really angry with me?" she asked; he shook his head. "Angry +with you, I never _could_ be, he said mournfully. + +"What was it that made you come to me so late?" she began again, after a +short silence. "You wanted something, that I saw by your face, only +just then, I was in such perplexity about my own affairs, as to seem +cross and indifferent to those of others. Would you like to talk to me +now?" + +"What good would that do? I shall hear it quite soon enough?" + +"Hear what?" + +Still no answer; only when she said: "I do believe you are seriously +vexed with me," it came out at last. "Is it true," he murmured, with +averted face; "is it true that you are going to be married to that +man?" + +She started; a new sensation, strangely sweet, thrilled to her heart. +She laughed, as we do laugh, to ourselves, when we are quite alone, at +the memory of some delicious moment in the past; of happy love--of +brilliant triumph--of success in some feat of our boyish days. What it +was that delighted her so much, she could scarcely have defined. + +"What makes you think such silly things?" she asked, completely +returning to their old footing; "don't you know I shall never be going +to be married to any man? When one has had a great big boy to educate, +and just got him out of the roughest rudiments, one really has no time +for other people; and who would thank me for bringing them such an +unruly step-son? Who put these fancies into your head?" + +He told her; and they sate there side by side, for some minutes, +without saying anything. + +"No, indeed, my dear boy," she began at last, in a tone of singular +solemnity; "I never mean to go and leave you, for the sake of any human +creature living. It is no sacrifice on my part; and you owe me nothing +for it. I should have to chain up my own heart first of all, were I +ever to settle down to any other mode of life, _any_ life in which you +were not the first and foremost. I have felt this for years, and shall +never feel otherwise probably as long as I live. But for you, there +must, of necessity, come a time, when the claims of your little mother +will have to be reduced by half; when she will have to content herself +with only a duty share in your thoughts and feelings; lucky if she does +not fare worse, and be stowed away in the lumber-room of memory, like +an antiquated piece of furniture. Don't you contradict me; I know well +enough what I have to expect, and a true mother never thinks of +herself. All mothers have to bear the same, and the best way to bear +it, is with a brave face; and now, away with care! For the present, I +am yours, and you are mine; and as far as I am concerned, nothing shall +ever part us. I give you my word, and here is my hand upon it, and +now--let us go to bed, and sleep upon it." + +She rose, and he mechanically did the same. When she stood at the top +of the staircase, and he a few steps lower, she just reached to the +tall stripling's forehead; she threw her arms tenderly about his neck. + +"You are not to get into the habit of that ugly frown, mind that!" she +said caressingly; "frowns don't become you, and you have no reason to +frown on life like any old grumpy misanthrope--such a spoiled creature +as you may well afford to laugh,--smooth away, I pray, all these +precocious wrinkles; and now, my son, good night!" She kissed him +softly on the forehead, and passed her hand lightly over his tangling +curls. Then, taking up her candle, she glided back into her own room. + + + * * * * * + + +The night that followed on such an eventful day, brought Helen both +repose and sleep. She believed her difficulties to be overcome, and her +troubles postponed for years at least. But she would hardly have looked +so cheerfully after Walter, as he walked away to his day's work at the +Burgermeister's Villa, had she known that he had not been able to close +his eyes till morning. + +In painting that saloon, he was destined to have no assistance but that +of the two boys: the Meister being confined to his room, and Peter Lars +nowhere to be found. It was rumoured that he had been seen at the +"Star." It appeared to be his plan to stay away, and let himself be +missed so long as to be received with thanks, and not with abuse, when +he did come back at last. However the Meister seemed quite disposed to +do without him, gave Walter his instructions, wrote to the capital for +more assistance, and sent the truant's things after him to the Star, +without wasting any words upon the subject. + +Thus a few days elapsed. The atmosphere of the house was lowering; +never a laugh now, nor a gay word. These three inmates--for Helen too, +had begun to wear a graver face--lived on together, without exchanging +more than a necessary word. When Walter came home in the evening--for +he did not even leave his work for dinner--he would swallow down the +food that had been kept for him, and then go straight to his room, on +plea of fatigue, regardless of the questions asked by poor Helen's +melancholy eyes. She well knew that if he left her, it was not to go to +bed; for in the morning she always found his light burned down. + +And if he left home weary, it was not from over-eagerness to get to his +work. The villa was situated at about two miles' distance from the +town, just where the forest began and the country became more +undulated. It had originally been built as a ducal shooting-box. It had +passed through the hands of numerous owners--through some very careless +ones; and at last, in a farmer's, had been turned to more profitable +purposes. When the Burgermeister bought it, he found it dignified to +boast that he had a mere country-seat--a villa that cost so much and +rented nothing; and so he decided on having it entirely renovated in +the original style, and on opening the gardens to the admiration of the +public in the summer season. The distance was no more than a pleasant +walk for the townspeople. Yet Walter had been known to take two hours +to it and more. The boy apprentices enjoyed a game of ball in the +shell-gallery, or a little mischief in the gardens; while their young +taskmaster, in his meditations, loitered about among the leafless +glades, until the sun, darting into every nook and thicket, would rise +so high, as to remind him that he had been sent there in some other +capacity than that of overseer to the building of the birds'-nests. + +Then he would hurry back to the house, scare the lads with a harshness +they had never seen in him before, and fall as violently to work as +though he meant to do in a day, or in half a day, what would be the +work of weeks. But he would soon let his brush drop, and sit motionless +upon the scaffolding, staring at some vacant spot on the opposite wall, +where his fancy had conjured up a charming vision--a pensive face, and +the turn of a graceful head resting on snowy shoulders, a pair of +admirably moulded arms, of that smooth pearly white, which art so +rarely renders, and is but too apt to turn the head of the artist who +attempts it. + +Almost half the week had been spent in this desultory way, when one +morning the Meister called up Walter, and believing the ceiling of the +shell-gallery to be finished, all except the centre-piece, he gave him +an old engraving to sketch in with charcoal in the necessarily +increased proportions. The Meister proposed to be there before twelve +o'clock, to see if the sketch would do. It was an engraving after +Claude Lorraine, with some architecture in the foreground, set off by a +group of lofty trees. As for the sunrise in the background, that, the +Meister thought, he should like to do himself. + +Walter set off with far more alacrity than usual. His task allured him; +frequent practice had made him quick at landscape-drawing, whereas he +always preferred to leave the figures to his comrades. + +The ceiling had been originally planned with a centre-piece of +allegorical figures; but, of course, since Peter Lars' defection, that +was not to be thought of now. + +Walter was just thinking of this disagreeable personage, and rejoicing +in his absence, when he heard a voice behind him, and looking round, he +saw the very man coming after him at a brisk pace. He stopped, and +waited for him with an instinct of vague curiosity. He wanted to +discover why he had been so suddenly turned off--he had heard no +particulars. + +The black-faced little fellow, who was walking along in full travelling +trim, with staff and knapsack, appeared to be in his happiest mood; his +pursed-up lips wore their sliest sneer, with even more decided mischief +in it than usual. His eyebrows were drawn up to his cap, and as he +called after Walter, his voice sounded like the treble tones of a +chaffing boy. + +"You are the very man I wanted to see;" he began, even before he had +come up with him. "Scheiden und meiden thut weh!--partings are +grievous, you know; and though I could have done all my partings with +my principal in writing, well enough, I wished to take leave of you, +for I had a thing or two to tell you, that would not have done quite so +well in a letter. So if your people did not forbid you to contaminate +yourself with an outlawed miscreant like myself, I will walk your way +with you a bit." + +"As you please; but tell me what you did, Peter, to bring things to +such a sudden crisis?" + +"Did? pshaw! a piece of nonsense! I was a donkey, my very dear and very +proper young friend, as, of course, you have heard--unless perhaps they +did not tell you, lest evil communications should corrupt good +manners." + +"The chief thing, I suppose, I do know," said Walter reddening. He only +knew what old Christel had told him; viz., that Peter had come home +drunk, and been disrespectful to Helen. + +"The chief thing!" sneered Peter; "a pretty chief thing to make a row +about! I have done many such chief things, and more to the purpose, in +my life, and not a cock crowed after me. If I had not been such a +confounded ass as to let myself be found out too soon, and get kicked +out like a mangy hound _before_ I had got what I came for, I could have +laughed in my sleeve, even if they did kick me out _after_. As it is, I +have made a fool of myself for nothing--got blown up and turned off, +while others remain behind to laugh at me as I deserve. Eh! why don't +you laugh. Propriety? You see _I_ laugh at my own clumsiness!" + +"I don't see what there is to laugh at," said Walter coldly; for he +bitterly repented of having suffered this little villain to walk by his +side. + +"Don't, then," he said jeeringly; "Milksop that you are!--You have a +spirit that is as blond as your head, and as your mother's was, when +she suffered herself to be so taken in--" + +"Fellow!" cried Walter, flaring up with sudden passion; "if ever I hear +my mother's name on your lips,--" and he held his strong fist in the +wizened face of his tormentor, who stood still with a look of defiance. + +"Softly, old boy, take it coolly," he said. "There are moments, I am +aware, when even the sweetest milk is apt to turn sour; but never mind; +I don't see what I should gain by quarrelling with you before I go. You +always treated me fairly--like a gentleman, I may say; for our +principal I was a mere machine; for our adorable Mamsell a toad; you +were the only person in the house who treated me as a fellow-creature; +and so, old fellow, I mean to do you a good turn before I go. When all +the rest are abusing me, you can say: 'Well, poor devil, he was not so +bad a fellow after all!'" + +"Come to the point;" said Walter, losing patience; "I have work to do." + +"Work, have you? Ah! poor dear, I dare say. Now you have to be first +and last; man-of-all-work, and Jack-of-all-trades, until the Meister +finds another Peter Lars--if he ever does--or ever looks for one. When +the old screw took you in, out of Christian charity, of course he had +no idea that you could ever grow up to be a man, and do the work of +two, and earn him a mint of money. Oh, no!--not he! he never dreamed of +such a thing! I say, has he ever increased your wages? or is my young +gentleman too high for such low ideas?" + +"What are you driving at? what do you mean by all this nonsense?" +cried Walter, out of patience. "What can it signify to you, if my +foster-father--" + +"Foster-father!" echoed the other, while his eyes were dancing with +malicious mirth. "Well, for a foster-father, perhaps, it might be fair +enough; but when we come to think of what a real father will do for a +son, we can't say much for what he has done for you--especially when we +consider what he ought to have done for your mother, that he left +undone." + +Here he looked Walter full in the face. The young fellow stood before +him with heaving chest and quivering nostril, in fearful agitation. He +staggered back, and leaned against one of the trees that formed the +avenue. With a shriek of sardonic laughter: "Ha! is it possible?" he +cried, "just look at him! he really has no suspicion how things stand! +Ha! sancta simplicitas!--well, it was your luck that made me stop a day +or two at the 'Star', and lay hold of that old fellow of a porter, who +used to be in the Meister's service. I made him tell me the whole +story; and, but for me, this pretty pattern of a helpless orphan might +have lived to threescore-and-ten, without being so wise as to know its +own father!" + +Walter still stood thunderstruck--his lips moved, but his voice failed +him. + +"What makes the boy stand there, turning to stone, as though he had +just heard the trumpet sound for the judgment day? I say, don't you go +on being the soft chap you are, that anybody can take and twist to +their own purposes. You open your eyes, and look sharp, and take what +rightfully belongs to you. Take my advice--maintain your place in the +world in a proper manner, even if you did come into it in a manner that +may be called less proper. + +"Come, let us be walking. I have a long way to go, and feel a most +desperate desire to get out of sight of that den of Philistines behind +us." + +"Peter!" said Walter, struggling painfully to recover his composure; +"Is there more in what you have just been telling me, than mere talk +and gossipping nonsense?" + +"Ask the old one, if you don't believe me. Ha! shouldn't I like to see +his face, when you come upon him unawares, and call him 'Dad!' And I +tell you it is all as true, and as well proved as twice two. And if you +had not been really as great a baby as they took such pains to make +you, you would have put this and that together, and worked out your +little reckoning years ago. I did, for one, as soon as ever I put my +nose into the house. I sometimes tried to give you a hint; and just +because you took no notice, 'Aha!' thinks I, 'he knows all about it, +and makes believe not to; and of course he has his reasons.' + +"Besides, one has only to look at you two together to say--that is the +block, and this the chip. The same long limbs, the same build--put you +in the same clothes, and look at you from behind, and not one man in +ten could say which was which. Of course, what is grown dark and grey +and grizzled in him, is carried out in pink and white and yellow with +you--the colouring must have been your mother's; and a deuced pretty +woman she was, the old porter says. He saw her once, not long before +she died; he had to take some money to her--on the sly, of course; +since then he has never been able to forget her, he says, and that his +master felt so spooney about her, he can't wonder at; far rather, +that he could give her up, and marry the wife he did--our charming +Mamsell's sister, you know; the two sisters were totally different in +everything--except the tin, which was the same. I rather think the +Meister must have had a try at the younger sister first, and been +rejected; she was a haughty 'Froelen' even then, you see; and so he +turned to the other sister, who was neither haughty nor handsome, and +so she took him. However, I suppose she wouldn't, if she had but known +of your own sweet self--you were just beginning to run about in your +first little boots--and had known that her precious husband used, as +often as he could get away, to go and have a peep at his former family +about three or four times a year, on his business journeys. It was all +kept so cosy, that not a soul ever heard of it. A sly fox your governor +was--excuse the candour of the remark. But sly he must have been in +this business, if you really did live so long without ever having smelt +a rat; and in other respects you are as quick a lad as may be. His +wife, however, somehow or other, in time did smell it, and hunted it +down, and there was the devil to pay and all, as you may fancy. She +kept the keys of the strong box, so of course it lay in her power to +stop his business-travelling, and she did. More fool she! for it could +not tend to improve his temper, you know; and at last, when a letter +came--was it a letter, or the porter?--to say that your mother was ill +and dying, and past recovery, you can imagine that the governor was not +disposed to stand on ceremony. He started off alone, and did not come +back for three weeks and more; he had not written either--what could he +have written about her illness to his wife? Of course, the worst news +of the one, were the best to the other. However, he did come back at +last; and she might have lived in peace now that the other woman was +dead and buried; only she couldn't. And there was the greatest row +of all when one day he came home and surprised her with a little +present--orphan or foundling, or whatever he was pleased to call +you,--she might be as fractious as she would, the child was there, and +there was nothing to be done but to be cruel to it. + +"And this she honestly did, to her heart's content, as you know best +yourself. The governor was forced to let two and two make five; he was +seldom at home, and you were a soft chap then, it seems, as you are +now, and you made no resistance, nor ever even complained of her. At +last the old porter could stand the thing no longer; and so he spoke +up, and told her it was a shame, and not the poor brat's fault if his +mother had pleased his father better than such a vixen could. Of course +she made the house too hot to hold him, and he said he felt glad to go, +for he could not bear to see a child so knocked about. + +"It appears the Meister felt the same, and so he wrote to his +sister-in-law to come and stay with them. His wife was ill with spite +and rage, and things in the house went topsy-turvy. Well, and so our +adorable Helen came, and what she did, I need not tell you. So there it +is; and it is a special satisfaction to me"--and he gave a sneering +laugh--"that I got hold of Johann, and warmed him with a bottle of +Bordeaux, till he let the cat out of the bag. It was a fair trick to +play to that old screw. + +"You can act upon it as you please; but I know, if I stood in your +shoes, I should not let myself be treated like a fatherless beggar, and +fed on charity. I would speak up and take another tone. He should send +me to travel, I know; with something in my pockets to chink as I went +along, to do or to leave undone, what I pleased. What business had he +to go and sell your mother for any amount of money-bags whatever? If he +did, I should expect the money bags to pay me for it." + +With this they had reached the forest Walter never spoke a word; +breathing hard, he strode away as if Lucifer were at his heels. The +dwarf kept up with him, waving about his stick, and gesticulating with +grimaces so grotesque, as would have made any other companion laugh. +Now he stood still at a spot where the roads diverged, lifted his cap, +and turned round, for a last look at the little town he was leaving. + +"I am truly thankful, that we definitively quarrelled, the Meister and +I, and did not make it up. Do you know, I actually did demean myself so +far as to write him a note this morning, with the conditions on which I +would have consented to return to him. For that he must miss me sorely, +no one can deny. So without ceremony, I wrote. I _may_ have been too +free and easy, and thawed too fast. But he certainly gave me back as +good as he got; for you know, when he is in the vein, he can write and +talk like Buonaparte; let him!--If I did knock under, it was for the +miserable reason that I could not find it in my heart to part from our +charming Mamsell, for all her abuse and scorn. + +"Bah! when once I am away from her; I shall come to my senses soon +enough. But what I wanted to say to you, my boy, was this: follow my +example, do as I do, and cut your chalks. You have no reason to fear +that she will treat you ill; far more reason to fear the contrary. + +"Do you know that she has given warning to her dangling lawyer?--and do +you know why? I will tell you; simply because she is smitten by those +two forget-me-nots of yours; and as you happen to be a spoon, you may +take your oath that some fine day you will inevitably be sold--that is, +married. You may stare if you like, and write me down an ass, if it be +not as I tell you. It would be a pity; for, after all, she is your +aunt; if not exactly, still she is old enough to be; and by the time +you are a man in your prime, like me, she will be a withered old thing, +and the very devil for jealousy, and you will have to sit by the +chimney-corner all your life, instead of seeing the world and enjoying +life while you are young, as every man ought to do. + +"If I had been able to get her, I suppose I should have repented; but +then I was madly in love with her, which you are not. With you it would +have become a habit, if you go on as you are doing now. + +"Well, well, no doubt you will cut your wisdom-teeth, at last. Think +on my words, my boy, for I wish you well. Heavens and earth! what a +face!--Have I upset you so by helping you to find a father?--and by no +means, let me tell you, the worst father you could have;--not by a +great deal, though I certainly have no reason to speak well of him. And +now fare thee well! old boy, and carry back my compliments to those +Philistines in their den. If we should chance to meet again somewhere +or other, knocking about the world, I hope I shall find you a trump: +give us a parting fist." + +He held out his hand, but Walter did not take it; he continued staring +vacantly before him and did not move a finger. With a volley of parting +imprecations, half vicious and half facetious, Peter Lars twirled his +stick, and went sauntering on his way, whistling. + +The state in which this dark spirit left the blond, is not to be +described. But the tumult of Walter's mind arose from such conflicting +sources, that the one appeared to balance the other, and to produce a +sort of silent stupefaction; only here and there, a word or two stood +out from the chaos, and sounded after all, more strange than ominous. + +He sometimes thought his comrade had amused himself by stringing +together his own fanciful speculations, which in no way concerned him, +and that the best thing he could do would be to laugh at and forget +them. + +He walked on, therefore, through the forest very cheerfully till he +reached the villa; he entered the sunny gallery of which the great +glass doors stood open to admit the mild spring-air, and having +appointed the two boys their tasks, he climbed up to the scaffolding. +He fastened the engraving before him, and proceeded without delay to +sketch in the landscape on the white grounding. As before said, he was +quick at architectural drawing, and very soon the temple stood out in +correct proportions from the high elms and plane-trees that surrounded +it. + +Meanwhile, Peter Lars's disclosures had lain dormant in his mind, in a +sort of unconscious twilight. But when he had finished his temple, and +began to wonder whether the Meister would be pleased with it, he +suddenly recollected that the Meister had promised to come out himself, +and see what he had been doing. Yes, he would come--presently he +would walk in by that door----how should he address him?--how call +him?--Meister, as before? + +The blood rushed to his forehead, and danced before his eyes. He sat +down upon the ladder, and covered his face with his hands. He +recalled his past life, and wondered what it would turn to now. +Every one of those words of Peter Lars recurred to him--he could +have put down every syllable in writing--in characters cut deep into +his heart. He read them over again from beginning to end--and +the end made him hesitate. What he had said of Helen appeared +improbable--inconceivable--impossible! Yet what could he remember to +oppose to it?--how much rather in corroboration of these conclusions?-- + +His blood was hammering violently at his temples, he dropped the +charcoal, for he could not hold it The deep depression of the first few +moments began rapidly to give way to a feeling of rapture, to which he +had almost given voice in a shout of ecstasy. + +He looked down from his scaffolding, away over the sunny gardens, where +the discolored turf was rapidly changing to green velvet, and the young +leaves, still folded in their opening buds, were only waiting for one +drop of rain to burst forth full length. He heard the singing-birds +warbling in the transparent air, and under the roof of the semicircle +that formed the gallery, he saw the swallows busy about their nests. + +His mood was glad and tender; he no longer thought how he should meet +his father; or how he should act in furtherance of his darling wish to +turn his back on paintpot and plaster. + +He saw nothing but her earnest face, now with an unwonted look of +tenderness; and those ivory arms and shoulders; and heard her voice +with that accent in which she had said, as she had kissed him on the +forehead; "so spoiled a creature can afford to laugh." + + +He could not tell how long he had been dreaming, until the two boys +reminded him that it was time to eat his dinner. And he let them eat +it, and remained where he was. He wanted neither meat nor drink. + +Presently he started violently, on hearing the old pensioner who kept +the gardens, say in answer to somebody's question: "You will find Mr. +Walter in the shell-gallery. I scarcely think he means to leave his +work to-day, so long as the light lasts." + +His knees shook as he got up; and all his self-possession left him at +the thought that he was about to see his father for the first time, +consciously. + +Only it was not the heavy uneven gait he expected that he heard coming +up the steps, though the eyes that looked up through the tall windows +in search of him upon his scaffolding were not less familiar to him. + +"Helen!" he cried. "What brings you here?" and running down the steps, +he was by her side in a moment. + +Never had he seen her look so charming. A rose on her cheek with the +air and exercise--her dark hair blown back in slight disorder under her +little hat; her eyes radiant with gaiety, a crimson handkerchief +loosely tied about her throat, and on her arm, a basket carefully +closed. + +"No, no;" she said, as Walter attempted to take it from her; "that is +to come afterwards, and is only to be considered as an appendix to my +real mission. So first of all I must deliver myself of that: know +therefore, Claude Lorraine and his temple and his sunrise are all to be +thrown over, and your laudable labours of the morning wasted. It will +all have to be rubbed out and done over again. The Burgermeister has +just sent to say that he has other projects wherewith to astonish the +weak minds of his admiring friends. They are to have Naples and the +Mediterranean above their heads, and Vesuvius spouting lava over them. +Of coarse the Meister was indignant at any man's presuming to meddle +with his business; but you know his worship has his peculiar ideas +about the fine arts, and a not so peculiar intolerance of +contradiction. And then a most impudent letter from Peter Lars came to +make the measure full; and this shock seems to have fallen on the +Meister's limbs, so that he is quite unable to walk, or to come himself +to look after you, as he proposed; so I said I would come instead, and +tell you what I could--and, to-night, he will tell you the rest. + +"So there is a truce for you, meanwhile; that is, as far as regards the +ceiling. But I don't see, young sir, that you have been so very busy +all this time--one or two of those Cupids I see over there have +scarcely a leg to stand on, and there are many gaps among the shells +and wreaths." + +While her bright eyes were roving over the walls, he stood mute before +her, lost in contemplation. + +"You are not communicative this morning; I rather think curiosity +concerning the contents of my little basket must have struck you dumb. +Know then, that my sense of my maternal duties was too strong to let me +set out on my diplomatic mission without having made a previous raid +into the store-room; for though art may profess to live on bread and +water, I never saw that it had any particular objection to meat and +wine. And as I don't deny that my walk has made me hungry, we will +proceed to explore our basket without farther ado. Only you must find a +breakfast-table for us--where it does not smell of plaster and fresh +paint, but rather, more seasonably, of spring violets. Let us walk +through the gardens till we find a shady spot and a bench. Every other +essential of an idyll is here already." + +He laughed, though he did not seem to have heard; he answered half +shyly, half absently, in monosyllables. + +As they walked down the steps of the gallery together, the greybearded +pensioner doffed his cap and nodded, with a sort of complacency and +paternal admiration of the handsome young couple, that made the young +man flush to his temples, as though he had heard the most hidden +secrets of his heart proclaimed from all the tree-tops. + +He walked beside his companion without offering her his arm. He had +silently possessed himself of the basket, in spite of her resistance; +and she had slung her hat upon her arm in its place. + +"It is not yet time for the sun to be dangerous," she said, and looked +steadily upwards at it; her face was radiant with unwonted gaiety. + +"Don't we feel as if we had broken loose from prison," she said, "when +once we fairly escape from the town? A person who has always lived in +such a place as this need never grow old, I fancy--or at least, never +feel old, which would be the same thing. In fact, if I were not ashamed +of myself in the face of that venerable warrior, I feel as if I could +begin to dance, even at, my advanced age; the birds would make a +charming band." + +"Come then and try," he said; "what would be the harm of it?--The +avenue is smooth enough." + +She shook her head. "Breakfast first, and then, not play, but work; I +have so much to do at home, and have done nothing; the house is an +abomination to look at"--He did not press her farther, and hardly +ventured to look at her as they walked along together under the high +trees. + +They did not meet a soul, the grounds were running wild; the +Burgermeister had quarrelled with the gardener over the projected +improvements, and dismissed him; so there had been a sudden stoppage, +and there were traces of this stoppage everywhere. But this unbroken +solitude made the place all the more enjoyable. + +They came to a halt before a running stream that had been expanded to +an artificial lake. A wooden bridge had led across it to a little +island, where swans were kept, and a hermitage had been built beneath a +group of tall ash-trees. This bridge was to have been carried away and +replaced by a new one, but by the time the first half of his intentions +had been carried out, his worship dispatched a counter-order; and at +present there was no way of getting to the island but by a single plank +loosely thrown across the bridge posts. Helen was perplexed. + +"I don't trust myself to cross," she said; "though I think that plank +would carry me; but I am afraid it would make me giddy." + +"The swan is sitting;" he said, half to himself; "it is pretty to see +her; and then her mate, how he flaps his wings, and flies at any body +who comes too near." + +"Have you been over?" + +"Often; it is quite safe; come, let me carry you." + +"We shall both fall in," and she laughed; "let us rather give it up." + +"Don't; I want to shew you the hut; and there is a table in it, where +we might have our breakfast. You take hold of the basket, and leave the +rest to me." + +He had her already in his arms--he hardly felt her weight; but the +loose plank swung and shook under his feet, and she clung to him with +both her arms round his neck. He stopped in the middle of the rushing +waters. "Suppose,"--he said, and his tone was strange;--"one, two, +three, eyes shut, and a jump, and it would be over." + +"Don't talk so wickedly," she whispered; and he felt how her heart was +beating.-- + +When he had carried her over, he still held her high above the ground. +"I should like to try how long I could carry you without being tired," +said he. And she: "I can't say I should like to try anything of the +kind. I have had seats that were more comfortable, and I only wish I +were safe over on the other side again;--but here we are at the +Hermitage. Suppose all the people who ever walked about under these +trees, were all to appear at once, what a curious masquerade it would +be!" + +"I had rather do without them;" he said between his teeth. + +"Still, those must have been strange times," she continued, in a +contemplative mood; "Pigtails and powder, and trumpery dress swords; +and with these they played at being hermits and Arcadian shepherds: +Nature is sure to avenge herself; turn her out as often as you please, +and she always slips in again, in some disguise or other." + +"There are the swans;" and he pointed them out at some distance. She +thought it a pretty sight to see the brooding mother placidly sitting +upon her eggs, while her mate, in jealous haste, was vigilantly +swimming his patrol all round the nest. + +"Do you hear him? how he hisses and threatens?" asked Walter. + +"Yes, and it makes me feel disquieted; almost as if he were agitated by +human passion; and the contrast with the soft snow of his plumage makes +it still more curious.--I could stand here and watch these creatures +for hours together. Now let us go and sit in the hut, there is rain +coming in those clouds." + +And in fact the first large drops were falling; pattering upon the bark +roof of the hut; they heard the sweet spring rain, and smelt it, with +the scent of a thousand blossoms wafted to them through the little +cobweb-curtained window; and as they sat on the only bench, eating +their breakfast off the roughhewn table, they looked through the open +door over the surface of the water all fretted and rippled by the rain. +The birds had ceased their song; and the two sat silent, listening to +the splashing and streaming above their heads. + +"We can't even see to the other side," she said; "the rain is falling +like a thick veil; shutting us out from the rest of the world--which +would not be so great a loss after all." + +"It looks as if we really were upon some desert island in the deep +sea;" he said, gazing on the water; "I only wish that shore were really +farther off; and that we were floating far away out of sight." + +"A pretty Robinson you would make, to be sure, spoiled boy that you +are!" + +"Why?--have I not all I want here with me?" + +"Yes, till we come to the bottom of the basket, and have emptied our +one bottle; after that perhaps we might do battle to the poor swans, +and prey upon their eggs; and then the comedy would be over, and the +tragedy would begin. I read one, once, about a Count Ugolino, whom they +threw into a deep dungeon, with his children, to be starved to death. +But I don't think I should like to see it acted; still less, to take a +part in it." + +He kept his eyes fixed on the little glass she had brought with her, +and had now filled for him. + +"What man cares to sate his body," he murmured, "if his soul be +famished? I should prefer the reverse; should not you?" + +"I don't think I always understand you now--you sometimes say odd +things." + +"Drink out of this same glass then; and then, you know, you will be +able to guess my thoughts." He held it towards her; his whole face was +glowing, his eyes avoided hers, as they looked at him with surprised +enquiry. She took the glass, but held it in her hand, without drinking. + +"I wish it could really help one to guess them. There is a certain +young man of my acquaintance, who used to have no secrets from me, and +of late he has been a mystery with seven seals; but I doubt if the +truth be really in this wine. I rather think----" + +She stopped short, for a sudden perception began to dawn on her mind, +though she could hardly trust herself to admit it. He had raised his +eyes now, and was looking at her with wrapt gaze. + +"Helen," he said, "when a man feels choking it is too late to ask him +what strangles him? All I know is, that I shall have to go away, and +leave you--" + +"Go away! why, what are you thinking of?" + +"You may well ask," he said, in a tone of desperation, without +venturing to look up. "I only know too well, I cannot live without +you." + +His words thrilled to her very marrow, she held the wineglass +unconsciously, without seeing how she was spilling the wine. + +"That is not what I meant," she said. "What makes you talk so +strangely?" + +She would have risen, but he seized her hand so eagerly, that she +dropped the glass. + +"Do not go," he cried. "Oh! stay and listen to me! You must. I must +talk so, because it is what I feel, and you must hear it, or it will +kill me. All this time I have felt as if my heart were dead within me. +To me there is nothing in the whole wide world but you. If this island +were to float away, and carry us away where nobody could reach us, you +know you would be mine and I yours to all eternity--you cannot deny +that; and therefore what difference should the world make to us? Can +all the talking and the gossipping in the world, make us one jot more +happy or one jot more wretched? You have nobody to consider; I am what +I always was--a penniless, homeless orphan; for if I have a father +living, I have no desire to see him. Why should we go back to those +people? We might cross the seas together; to any wilderness, where +there is nobody to ask for baptismal certificates, or parish registers; +and there we might be all in all to each other and be happy, and then +we might afford to laugh at a world that would have grudged us our +happiness." + +He held her hand tight between both his own, while the words fell from +his lips in burning haste, and his devouring eyes were fastened on her +downcast lashes, or watching the quivering of her parted lips. + +She could not speak; her brain was reeling, and her ears ringing. She +could not distinguish every word, but his meaning went straight to her +heart. + +"Helen!" he cried, and dropping her hand, he caught her all trembling +to his heart; lifting her from the ground, and covering her face with +passionate kisses. + +The intoxication that had so carried him away lasted but a second. With +a violent effort, she tore herself from his arms, and stood breathless, +facing him with flaming eyes. "No more!" she said. "Not another word! +thank God rather, that I have sense enough left for both, to take your +words for what they are, for the vagaries of an idle brain. Were I so +foolish as to take this nonsense for downright earnest, you should +never look upon my face again. But even a mother's indulgence has its +bounds, and if ever you are seized with such another fit of madness in +my presence, the last word will have been spoken between us two. I +shall take good care, however, that you do not so easily forget +yourself again. Hitherto I have forgiven many things; I trusted to the +natural candour of your disposition. But I am afraid you are not much +better than most young men of your age. I am sorry to believe it of +you, both for yourself and me. But it serves me right, for supposing +that ten years could be enough to know a man; even when one has brought +him up oneself!" + +He stood before her without being able to utter a single word. If the +earth had opened and swallowed him up, it would have been a relief to +him. In the tumult of his ideas, he tried in vain to make her words +agree with all that he had seen and heard within the last few days; had +he ventured to look at her, he might have had some suspicion of the +struggle in her soul, while she was uttering those annihilating words. + +"The rain is over;" she said after a pause, in a tone of complete +indifference, "I must go." + +He prepared to follow her. + +"I can find my way without you;" she said; "now that I know that the +plank is safe. Good-bye, Walter, you can send the basket by one of the +boys." + +She stopped on the threshold of the hut. "See how suddenly all the +leaves have burst their buds," she said, and her voice had completely +recovered its tranquil tone. "Everything in nature has its season; we +can change nothing, and prevent nothing. Give me your hand, dear boy. I +am not going to leave you to mope by yourself, because you have just +given me another proof that you are but a child, and a dreamer of +childish dreams. I am not a bit angry with you now; so let us make +haste and forget all those ugly passionate words we said. By-and-by you +will laugh at them as I do now. And when you come home this evening, I +hope you will bring us your own bright face again, and the best +resolutions henceforth, to honour and obey your own little mother, that +your days may be--as the fourth commandment says. Bless you, my son." + +She looked back affectionately at him, and waved her hand to say +good-bye, and then she walked steadily over the plank, with her light +elastic step, and turned into one of the paths that led through the +wood on the other side. + +As long as she was to be seen, Walter looked after her; then he flung +himself on the grass, with his face to the ground, in an agony of shame +and grief, and self-reproach. He did not know that as soon as she was +out of sight, her brave heart failed her; she stopped, and leaning her +head against the stem of a young tree, she too relieved herself by a +flood of tears. + + + * * * * * + + +The day was fading into twilight; in the Meister's room it had grown +too dark for him to do anything until the lamp was brought. Putting by +the watercolor sketch of Naples and Mount Vesuvius, in which he had +been making some alterations in the foreground with a piece of chalk, +he was just about to exchange his favorite old dressing gown with the +sheepskin, for a more appropriate garment for an evening walk, when the +door was opened noiselessly, and Helen came in, with a serene +countenance, and an unfaltering voice that belied all her agitations of +the morning. + +"Good evening, brother. I have been longer away than I expected. I had +a little piece of business to do on my way home, that should have been +settled long ago--Christel has been taking good care of you, I hope? +How have you been? better?" + +The unusual friendliness of her manner took him by surprise, and +stopped the reproaches that had been ready on his lips. "How does the +gallery get on?" he asked, instead of answering. "You will have been +standing chattering there so long, that there will not have been much +work done." + +"I left the gallery about twelve o'clock;" she said with a faint blush. +"If I had not gone astray among the woods, and done that business on my +way back, I should have been here ever so long ago. After all, it would +not so much signify, if the work were to last a few days longer. The +grounds are hardly planned, and the gallery will certainly be finished +in a week. Have you heard whether that assistant is to be counted on?" + +"Not yet, why do you ask?" + +She took a chair and seated herself with her back to the light. "I will +tell you why," she said. "I have been thinking over what you said the +other day, and I begin to see that you were right, when you said it was +time for Walter to be sent from home; I know him too well, not to see +that for him, it would be waste of time and talents, to go on plodding +as he is doing now, in this narrow sphere of action. If he is ever to +attain the fall development of which he is capable, we must transplant +him to a more congenial soil. However, I am aware that you would find +it hard to keep him in a strange place, unless he were to earn his own +livelihood by his present trade; and that would be hard on him, for he +takes no pleasure in it, and will take still less, if you send him +among strangers." + +She paused, for her voice was failing her; he stood at the other +window, looking away from her, and drawing upon the vapoury panes with +his finger. + +"Brother-in-law," she began again: "I have just done a thing without +your knowledge, that I hope you will approve of, as it is for Walter's +good. As I was walking home just now, I thought over all those long +years we have lived together, and I confess I have not been so friendly +with you as I should have been, to make our lives pleasanter to both. I +am sorry for it now. There were some things I never could forget, +although they were past and over, and we know that no one human being +has any right to judge another. + +"With regard to Walter, I have not so much to reproach myself. I did my +duty by him, as far as I saw it; and I see that I would not be doing it +now, if I were to keep him at home, merely because I find it hard to +part from him. So it occurred to me, as the best plan for us all, that +I could give him an independence, by making him my heir, as a mother +should her only son. Don't mistake me, I am not thinking of dying--only +of making my will; and as women are ignorant in such matters, as soon +as I had made up my mind, I went straight to the proper authority, +Dr. Hansen, and asked him what would be the surest way of making a +will--not only with a sound mind, but a sound body--and of laying down +the burthen of one's thalers in the most legal form." + +"You spoke to Hansen about this?" + +"I did; and found him quite willing to assist me. I had a deed of gift +drawn up, which he will bring this evening, written out in proper form. +I also begged him to join you, as trustee for the management of the +property, and to provide for Walter's wants until he becomes of age. I +hope you will not object to this." + +"Helen!"--cried the Meister--"and you yourself?" + +"Don't imagine I could forget myself," she said merrily. "I took good +care to keep enough for my own livelihood; especially as I mean to look +out for a situation in some respectable family where there is an orphan +to bring up. I have been in a good school for that you know." + +"And when you are old, and feel loath to be dependent upon strangers, +though you may think it so easy now?" + +"I should not be forlorn or forsaken even then," she said very +earnestly. "I shall find a home for my old age in my dear Walter's +house, and I hope his young wife will never turn me from the door." A +long silence ensued. + +"You don't seem to be entirely satisfied with my plan, brother," she +began again. "But it really is the best plan for all of us. When your +son is taken off your hands, you will be able to do what you have +wished for all your life. You can sell this house and garden, give up +the business, and go to Italy for a year or two. In that lovely Italy +you rave about, you would soon shake off your horrid rheumatisms, that +torment you so. And one fine day, Walter would cross the Alps and join +you, when he finished his studies; and then you could shew him all +those marvels of Art and Nature you are always yearning after, and you +would be happy both together--and I--" + +Her voice faltered, she could not continue. The Meister turned from the +window,--and, in an instant,--for she was too unsuspecting to prevent +him, he had flung himself upon his knees before her, as though he had +lost his senses. He hid his rough grey head upon her lap, smothering +the strange sounds that fell from his lips; stammering and sobbing in +wordless protestation. + +"Don't, brother;" she whispered, in a trembling voice, bending over +him; "come to your senses, and hear me out. I have a favor to ask of +you in return, that you may not feel inclined to grant me, and in case +you should refuse it, the whole plan falls to the ground." + +He looked up in her face, without rising from his knees. The great +strong man lay helpless and crushed by the tempest of feeling that had +swept over him. He had taken one of her hands, and pressed it to his +lips. She went on. + +"This thing I am going to do would be of no use whatever, if Walter +ever came to know I did it. He is not a child now; he has the pride and +the sensitiveness of a man. Were he to know that he owed this +inheritance to me, he never would accept it: my most solemn +protestations would be in vain. I might swear to him that all my +happiness is placed in his; that the only interest I have on earth, is +to provide for his future welfare; it would be no use, he would reject +it all. Therefore it behoves us to take the proper measures to deceive +him; and the safest way to deceive him in this, would be to undeceive +him in another matter: he must know his father, and his father must be +thanked for the change in his fortunes." + +The Meister sprang to his feet, and paced to and fro in violent +agitation. + +"Never!" he cried at last; "It is impossible, Helen, I can't do it." + +"What can't you do?" and she looked very grave. He stood still before +her with an imploring look. + +"Don't ask me to do that," he said; "It costs me nothing to take that +dear boy to my heart, and call him son, if you think it is in your +power to absolve me from the promise I made your sister. But that I +should appear as his benefactor, I who have done him and his poor +mother such grievous wrong--" She interrupted him-- + +"That wrong has been expiated, brother; and what there may remain, will +be expiated now by the penance I prescribe. I too have some wrong to +expiate, though not of my own doing. Had my poor sister, in the +delirium of her revenge, not destroyed the inheritance you had a right +to expect, things would have happened differently. Promise me, +therefore, to do as I ask you, and give me your hand upon it. Believe +me, it will be the saving of us all." She rose; "I hear steps in the +passage," she said; "if it be Walter, I hope you will not let this +night pass, without having spoken to him. Only do not tell him that it +was I who proposed his going; he has a real father now. I abdicate my +authority, and lay down my duties in your hands. I know he will not +have to suffer for the change." So saying, she left the room, without +waiting for his answer. + +In the passage she met, not Walter, but the lawyer; who had brought the +deed of gift. + +"I have already talked it over with my brother-in-law," she said in a +kindly tone, to the silent man before her. "He has consented to do as I +wish, and now I leave the rest to you and him, with entire confidence +in you both; would you be so kind as to go in and tell him what you +think about it?" + +And bowing slightly to him, she passed on, to go into the garden. +There, in the morning, she had left the bushes and the fruit-trees with +their buds all shut, and now they were clothed in tenderest green. + +She looked at them with tranquil pleasure; and while she walked down +the narrow gravel path, she thought to herself how soon she would have +to leave them, never to see them more. But there was not a shade of +regret in her meditations, and her heart, that had passed through so +many storms, had come to a sudden calm. + +Half an hour later, she heard Dr. Hansen's step on the pavement of the +little court, which he crossed, and she saw that he was coming through +the garden gate. She made an effort to conceal a gust of emotion that +suddenly came over her, and she looked searchingly in his serious face. + +"What news do you bring me? I hope we have not forgotten anything that +may prove a hindrance to so simple a desire as mine is?--" + +"Nothing," he answered gravely. "It is settled in the most formal +manner, and all I have to do in this house in the capacity of lawyer, +may be considered as definitively concluded. Will you forgive me, if I +say that the lawyer has not succeeded in silencing the man?--who _will_ +speak, even though he has so much reason to fear that he will not find +a hearing." + +He paused, as if in expectation of some sign to interpret in his favor, +or against him. + +She said nothing, and his courage rose. + +"Yon know how I feel;" he continued, "and after our recent conversation +on Sunday evening, I certainly should not have presumed to molest you +with another word that sounded hopeful. Only the day after, I +ascertained from your brother-in-law, what I had already surmised with +pain, that your reason for rejecting every suitor who presented +himself, was because you felt no security that he sought you, not for +your fortune, but for yourself. + +"It was small consolation for me to know that it was not, in the first +instance, any special aversion to myself, that had cut me off from all +my hopes of happiness. What could I ever do to convince you of the +bitter injustice of your distrust?--If my undeclared devotion has not +proved it to you in all those years, what farther assurance of mine +could ever convince you of it? But to-day you were so good as to take +me into your confidence, and to allow me to look deeper into your +heart, than would have been necessary for a simple affair of business. +In my office I could not thank you; and here--will you take me for a +madman, if I have not given up all hope, and venture to ask whether +circumstances may not have arisen to induce you to change your mind? In +me, you will never find a change." + +She kept her eyes cast down. "Do not ask me now," she said, with +quivering lips. "I have need of all my resolution to do what has to be +done, and it has been sorely tried." + +"Not now?" he whispered, "another time then?" + +"My dear kind friend," she said, now looking him full in the face; "if +you really be a friend to me, wait until that young moon that is just +rising, has run its course, before you come here again. There is a +strange chaos in my mind. You would hardly understand it, if I were to +try to explain, and unravel all its mysteries. They will unravel +themselves in time, and then you may come for an answer to your +question. A clear straight-forward answer. This is all I can give you +for to-day." + +"It is more than I dared to hope; more than I deserve," he said, with +deep emotion, and bent low to kiss the hand she had offered him as +farewell, and so they parted. + + + * * * * * + + +Four weeks later, the same pale crescent that had lighted our +yellow-haired young friend through the woods that evening, was shining +in full refulgence upon a street of a great city, in the quarter +chiefly inhabited by students and artists. Close to the open window of +a small lodging on the third story, catching the last glimpse of fading +light, a young man was seated before a great drawing board; with bold +pencil drawing great broad sepia lines, to relieve with light and shade +a correct and tasteful architectural ornament. + +His landlady came in with a letter in her hand. "From home;" she said, +laid it down upon the table, and left the room again. The colour-box +and drawing board were thrown aside, and in an instant, with trembling +haste, he had broken the seal. + +The young artist seated himself upon the windowsill, and read as +follows: + +"My dear spoiled boy! That we have been almost three weeks parted, is a +fact I should find incredible, did I not know my almanack too well for +reasonable disbelief. + +"There, the day of your departure has been branded with a thick black +stroke, and the days on which your letters came, distinguished with +bright red ones. It is a fact, for nineteen long days we have been +deprived of our six-foot son, and for how much longer, is past all +present reckoning. + +"I began several letters which I never finished. I knew that your +father wrote, so that as for news, you were not starved. Anything more +your little mother might have wished to say, though she certainly is no +sentimental writer, would only have tended to make you homesick; and +home is a thing with which, at present, you are to have nothing more to +do. + +"I had the satisfaction of hearing by your last letter, that you find +your new mode of life already becoming congenial to you; that your work +absorbs you, and your comrades suit you. Here steps in maternal +jealousy at once, and in terror of losing you altogether, I write this +letter as reminder; also because I have a thing or two to tell you +which may not be indifferent to you. + +"In the first place, you must know, that yesterday was the day +appointed for the magic ceremonies with which the Burgermeister thought +fit to inaugurate his villa. The Heavens were pleased to smile on his +designs, and favored him with the loveliest day this year has brought. +In the grounds and garden, every flower that grows and blows, was in +fall bloom and fragrance. Our worthy host--you know him in his gala +mood--was courtesy itself. Wife and daughter attired from head to foot, +in correctest taste and newest fashion; and we poor provincials rigged +out in our best, each one according to his abilities. + +"What will you say to your little mother, when you hear that she turned +out in fall ball dress!--worse--what will you say when you hear that +she actually danced?--Not merely a sober polonaise with our host, who +led us by torchlight all over the house, down to the lowest cellar, and +into the park and grounds--but actually valses and ecossaises; even a +heel-splitting mazurka, which your rival of old, the young +referendarius, led off with the daughter of the house. + +"Alas! poor boy, it is not to be concealed from you, that the venerable +guardian of your youth took strange advantage of your absence, to wax +wild and wanton in her old age. + +"Not only did I join the giddy throng myself; whirling round our +well-known gallery of shells, perfectly undaunted by any flaming +volcano whatsoever, but I succeeded in turning a far stronger and more +respectable head to my own mischievous purposes, and I fear we are a +superannuated couple who have fed the gossips with our follies, for +some time. + +"My dear child, it is my own confession, or you might refuse to believe +the papers when you read it in them. Your mamma has finally made up her +mind to give you a stepfather, and her decision was solemnly celebrated +last night in a select circle of authorities and townspeople. Your +mother's health and her bridegroom's, was drunk with all the honors, as +the clock struck twelve. + +"At first I thought that all the world must be astonished, and would +regard it as no less improbable than improper, that a mother should +think of weddings, when she has a great grown-up son so far away. But, +judging by their words at least, it did not astonish them at all, and +they seemed to think it quite correct; and so after all, I daresay, +there is no one to find fault with us, save precisely this grown-up +son. Here I would make the appropriate observation that a dutiful child +never presumes to judge its parents, but rather looks respectfully on +all their actions, as emanations of a maturer judgment. + +"In the fond hope that my dear Walter is just such a dutiful child, I +send him his stepfather's love meanwhile, and I trust that he will not +fail to bring us his in return, when some fine day he comes back to us +as a distinguished architect; when, instead of the poky old house we +are to take possession of in autumn, he will have to build us a sunny +airy villa outside the gates; though I should not care for volcanoes or +shell-galleries. + +"And now I must say good-bye to you for to-day. He (major) is just come +to fetch me for a walk; and as he is to be my master, of course I must +obey. Only about your father; he has grown quite young again, and his +leg is quite alert--to be sure the days are warm, and I don't really +think, that without that trip to Italy--It is no use trying. My master +will not leave me time to finish--I begin to fear that I have sold +myself to cruel bondage. Thank Heaven! I have a great strong son to +threaten with, who, I trust, will never forget, or cease to care for +his + + "little mother." + +"P. S. It would be dishonesty in me to suppress poor Lottchen's love: +she asked after you the very first thing, with a charming little air of +melancholy; which, however, did not prevent her dancing every dance, +and eating a vielliebchen at supper with the Burgermeister's son. Alas! +they are all alike!--Youth is given to folly; and even age----!" + + +Here came a long dash of the pen, which Walter sat looking at, without +moving for half an hour. Only when his landlady came in to ask him +whether he would have his lamp, he stared at her, shook his head, and +carefully putting away the letter in his pocket, he went downstairs, +and away towards a distant quarter of the town, to a modest little +wine-house, where he was wont to meet his comrades once a week, to +enjoy a sociable evening. + +When he came home about twelve o'clock, his landlady heard him singing +a snatch of a student song as he walked up stairs--a very unusual +circumstance. + +"What can have made him so jolly to-night, I wonder?" she said to +herself as she pulled the bed clothes over her ears; "he must have had +very good news from home.--This is the first letter he ever got, that +made him go to bed singing!" + + + + THE END. + + + + + * * * * * + + PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + THE DEAD LAKE + + AND + + OTHER TALES + + BY + + PAUL HEYSE. + + + + FROM THE GERMAN BY + BY + MARY WILSON. + + + _Authorized Edition._ + + + + LEIPZIG 1870 + BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ. + LONDON: SAMPSON LOW, SON, AND MARSTON. + CROWN BUILDINGS, 188, FLEET STREET. + PARIS: C. REINWALD, 15, RUE DES SAINTS PERES. + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + A FORTNIGHT AT THE DEAD LAKE + + DOOMED + + BEATRICE + + BEGINNING, AND END + + + + + + A FORTNIGHT + + AT + + THE DEAD LAKE. + + + + + + A FORTNIGHT + AT + THE DEAD LAKE. + + + + + + THE DEAD LAKE. + + +Summer was at its heighth, yet in one corner of the Alps an icy cold +wind revolted against its dominion, and threatened to change the +pouring rain into snow flakes. The air was so gloomy that even a house +which stood about a hundred paces from the shore of the lake, could not +be distinguished, although it was whitewashed and twilight had hardly +set in. + +A fire had been lighted in the kitchen. The landlady was standing by it +frying a dish of fish, while with one foot she rocked a cradle which +stood beside the hearth. In the tap room, the landlord was lying on a +bench by the stove, cursing the flies which would not let him sleep. A +barefooted maid of all work sat spinning in a corner, and now and then +glanced with a sigh, through the dingy panes at the wild storm which +was raging without. A tall strong fellow, the farm servant of the inn, +came grumbling into the room: he shook the rain-drops from his clothes, +like a dog coming out of the water, and threw a heap of wet fishing +nets into a corner. It seemed as if the cloud of discontent and +ill-humour which hung over the house, was only kept by this moody +silence from bursting into a storm of discord and quarreling. + +Suddenly the outer door opened, and a stranger's step was heard groping +through the dark passage; the landlord did not move, only the maid +rose, and opened the door of the room. + +A man in a travelling suit stood at the entrance, and asked if this was +the inn of the dead lake. As the girl answered shortly in the +affirmative, he walked in, threw his dripping plaid and travelling +pouch on the table, and sat down on the bench apparently exhausted; but +he neither removed his hat heavy with rain nor laid down his walking +stick, as if intending to start again after a short rest. + +The maid still stood before him, waiting for his orders, but he seemed +to have forgotten the presence of any one in the room but himself, +leant his head against the wall, and closed his eyes; so deep silence +once more reigned in the hot dark room, only interrupted by the buzzing +of the flies, and the listless sighs of the maid. + +At last the landlady brought in the supper; a little lad who stared at +the stranger carried the candle before her. The landlord rose lazily +from his bench, yawned and approached the table leaving to his wife the +charge of inviting the stranger to partake of their meal. The traveller +refused with a silent shake of the head, and the landlady apologized +for the meagreness of their fare. Meat, they had none, except a few +live ducks and chickens. They could not afford to buy it, for their own +use, and now travellers never came that way, for two years ago, a new +road had been made on the other side of the mountain, and the post +which had formerly passed their inn now drove the other way. If the +weather was fine, a tourist, or a painter who wished to sketch the +environs of the lake now and then lodged with them; but they did not +spend or expect much, neither was the selling of a few fish very +profitable. + +If however the gentleman wished to remain over night, he would not fare +badly. The bedrooms were just adjoining, and the beds well aired. They +had also a barrel of beer in the cellar, good Tyrolese wine, and their +spirits of gentian was celebrated. But all these offers did not tempt +the guest; he replied that he would stay for the night, and only wished +a jug of fresh water. Then he arose and without casting a single look +at the people seated round the table, and silently eating their supper, +or taking any notice of the little boy of ten, although the child made +the most friendly advances, and gazed admiringly at his gold watch +guard, which sparkled faintly in the dim light. The maid servant took +another candle from the cornice of the stove, and showed him the way to +the next room, where she filled his jug with fresh water, and then left +him to his own thoughts. + +The landlord sent an oath after him. "Just their usual luck," he +grumbled, if any guest ever came to them, it was always some idle +vagrant who ordered nothing, and finally took his leave without paying +for his bed, often disappearing in company with the bedclothes. His +wife replied that it was just those folks, who regaled themselves on +all that larder and cellar could supply, and tried to ingratiate +themselves with the landlord. This gentleman was ill in mind or body, +as he neither ate nor drank. At this moment the stranger again entered +the room, and asked if he could have a boat, as he wished to fish on +the lake by torchlight, as soon as the rain had ceased.--The landlady +secretly poked her husband in the side, as if to say; "Now, you see! he +is not right in the head; don't contradict him for heaven's sake." + +The landlord who was fully aware of the advantage to be gained by this +singular demand, answered in his surly manner, that the gentleman could +have both his boats, though it was not the fashion in these parts to +fish at night, but if it amused him he was welcome to do so. The farm +servant would prepare the torch immediately--so saying, he made a sign +to the tall fellow who was still occupied in picking his fish bones, +and opened the door for his guest. + +The rain had not ceased and the water was dashing and gushing from the +gutters. The stranger seemed insensible to any outward discomfort; he +hastily walked towards the shore, and by the light of the lantern which +the farm servant had brought with him, he examined the two boats, as if +he wished to make sure which of them was the safest. They were both +fastened under a shed, where different fishing implements were lying +under some benches. Then sending back the farm servant under some +pretext or other, he sought on the shore of the lake for a couple of +heavy stones, which he placed in the largest of the two boats.--He drew +a deep breath, and stood for a moment with his eyes fixed on the dark +water, which as far as one could see by the light of the lantern was +furrowed by the drizzling rain. The wind had ceased for a moment, the +surf foamed, and dashed round the keel of the small boats; from the +house, one could hear the monotonous sing song of the landlady who was +lulling her baby to sleep. Even this sounded melancholy, reminding more +of the cares of motherhood than of its joys, and heightened the dismal +impression made by the forsaken aspect of this corner of the world. + +The stranger was just returning to the house, when he heard on the road +coming from the south, along which he had also travelled that morning, +the cracking of a whip and the crashing and creaking of wheels which +were drawn heavily up the hill through the deep and sloughy ruts. +Shortly afterwards a lightly covered carriage stopped before the inn. +Lights were brought to the door, a female voice asked questions which +the landlady answered in her most amiable tones; then two women got out +of the carriage and carefully carried something wrapped up in cloaks +into the house. The farm servant helped the coachman to bring his +horses under shelter. A few minutes later every thing had relapsed into +the former silence. + +It had all passed like a vision before the stranger, neither awakening +his curiosity, nor, still less, his interest. He once more looked up at +the dense clouds to see if there was any chance of their dispersing, +and then entered the house where lights were now shining in the room +opposite the tap room, and shadows were flitting to-and-fro behind the +curtains. He gave back the lantern to the man, and some orders about +baits and fishing hooks which he would require in the morning, and +retired to his room. + +There he lighted the candle, and placed it in a bent candlestick, which +stood on the rickety table.--Then he threw open a casement to let out +the stuffy and damp air, and for a while looked out on the splashing +and spirting gutter in which a cork was restlessly dancing. Further off +no object could be discerned; the inky darkness of the cloudy sky hid +everything from view. The wind howled in a ravine near the lake, like +some caged beast of prey, and the trees near the house groaned under +the weight of the gushing rain. It was an unfavourable moment for +standing near an open window but the stranger seemed to be listening +intently to the dismal sound of the storm which raged without. Only +when the wind drove the rain straight into his face, he moved away, and +paced up and down between the bare walls of the little room, with his +hands crossed behind his back. His face was quite calm, and his eyes +appeared to be looking beyond what surrounded him, into some distant +world. + +At last he took writing materials, and a small portfolio from his +travelling pouch, sat down beside the dim candle, and wrote as follows: + +"I cannot go to rest, Charles, without bidding you good night. How +weary I am, you must have perceived when we met, unfortunately for so +short a time, six weeks ago. _Then_ I ought to have spoken to you, and +we might have come to an agreement on this chapter on pathology, as we +have done on so many others: Had I done so, I could now have quietly +smoked my last cigar, instead of tiring us both, with this dull +writing, but the words seemed to cleave to my lips. We should have +probably disputed about the matter--Each of us would have maintained +his own opinion, so I thought it useless to spoil the few hours we had +to spend in each other's society. I am well acquainted with your +principles, and know that if you were here, you would endeavour to +reconcile me to existence. But you would wrong me, if you thought that +I had caused this dissension between life and myself which nothing but +a divorce can appease. I would willingly live if I _could_. I am not +such a coward, or so fastidious that a few 'slings and arrows of +outrageous fortune' should drive me distracted and make me take the +resolution to leap out of my skin in the full sense of the word. Who +would throw over the whole concern, and fume against the inscrutable +powers because many things are disagreeable to bear? Are not the +decrees of the eternal powers equally unfathomable and indisputable? +But here lies the fault--I can play the part of a wise man no longer. +The desperate attempt to save reason at least from the general wreck of +soul and mind has failed. Just now when I watched an old cork which had +fallen into the gutter, and which lashed by the rain was helplessly +whirling about in the dirty puddle, the thought struck me that this +cork was my own brain which had stolen from out my heated skull, and +was now taking a shower bath. If such an absurd fancy could take +possession of my mind for a whole quarter of an hour, then must the +last prop of my reason be fast giving way. + +"I have the highest idea of the self-sacrificing duties of a man +towards his fellow-creatures, yet I cannot calmly see the moment +approach when the asphyxiated soul is to be buried alive, watch the +loss of self-consciousness, and finally sink lower than the most +miserable brute. This, my dear Charles, would require the dullness of a +sheep patiently awaiting the butcher's knife, though it feels a worm +gnawing at its brain. + +"But I quite forget that this will seem but a confused outpouring of +words to you, who are only aware of a portion of my calamities. You +only know what the rest of the world is acquainted with--that my +adopted sister died, this day year, that her father followed her a +few days later, and her mother in the spring of this year.--You also +know that my family consisted of only these three--that I loved them +dearly--that, in fact, except yourself, they were the only beings to +whom I was much attached. + +"Under any circumstance their loss would have wounded me deeply, but I +should have ended by overcoming this grief. Even had they been severed +from me at a single stroke, I could have bravely outlived it. Truly the +death of one man is always irreparable but his life is never +indispensable. Science, my profession, my youth, would have healed the +wound.--Now, it is still open, and the blood which flows from it cannot +be stanched, for these three precious lives would have been spared, but +for me!... + +"I must begin from the beginning, Charles, if I wish to make these sad +words clear to you.--You know, I believe, that I hardly ever saw my own +parents, that after the death of my father, I should have been brought +up at the orphan asylum, if those generous people had not taken pity on +the son of the poor surgeon, and adopted me. My foster-father was one +of the most opulent merchants of the town.--When he gave me a home, he +was still childless after eight years of marriage. He hoped that my +presence would cheer him, and his wife, and enliven the quiet dull +house. Unfortunately, at first, I but ill rewarded the kindness of the +worthy couple, though I was greatly attached to them. I was a reserved, +irritable, and unamiable lad, with a great tendency to ponder over +everything. My behaviour vacillated between a moody silence which +lasted for days, and sudden and passionate outbreaks of temper. Even +now I feel deeply ashamed when I think of the truly angelic patience +with which my foster-parents bore my perverseness, and tried to +moderate my violent temper without ever showing how sorely I +disappointed their hopes. + +"Suddenly all was changed. When I had lived about two years in their +house, my adoptive parents saw their heart's desire fulfilled. A child +was born to them, the most beautiful and gifted creature I have ever +seen. As if by magic, everything grew bright--even I, was changed, and +became a good-humoured and sensible lad. I was quite infatuated about +the little girl, and watched her like a nurse. For hours together I +played with her. I taught her to speak, to run, forgot my dearest +occupations, and all my schoolfellows when with her. + +"My behaviour towards her parents also completely altered. These +excellent people, instead of no longer caring for my society, now +redoubled their kindness towards me, and seemed to regard both of us as +their children and as having an equal right to their affection. + +"As time went on, my fraternal love for the little Ellen only increased +with my years; the more so, that a curious similarity in our characters +became more perceptible every day. She was not one of those soft, +pliable and easily managed girls who give no more trouble to their +mothers, than to their future husbands. She would suddenly change from +the most extravagant gaiety, to the deepest melancholy--if one can use +the term, melancholy, in speaking of a child. In those moments, she +would steal out of the garden where she had been romping, and laughing +with her little companions, and, come to my little room, sit down with +grave face, opposite to me, at my writing-table, and read the first +book she could get hold of. + +"From my school-days upwards, I had always been heart and mind, a +naturalist, and had no other thought, but that I would study medicine +as my father had done. I used to show her all my collections, even the +skeleton of a large monkey which stood in a corner behind my bed, and +to hold most unchildlike conversations with the little girl; at other +times she would communicate her childishness to me; I cooked for her +dolls and physicked them after having first carefully bedaubed their +faces with the tokens of the measles and I filled her little garden +with all sorts of medical herbs from my herborium. We never shewed much +tenderness towards each other. Only once I kissed her lips; it was when +I left for the University at nineteen years of age. + +"Though I deeply felt the pain of leaving my adoptive home, yet I +fancied it would not become me as a man to show any emotion, still my +voice failed me when my dear mother embraced me with tears in her eyes. +Little Ellen stood pale, and silent by her side. I turned to her with +some joke and jestingly gave her different directions about the care of +my zoological collection, (preserved in camphor and spirits of wine) +which I had entrusted to her charge. Then I drew this child of eight +into my arms to bid her farewell. As I kissed her, I was startled by a +sudden shudder which ran through her frame, as if an asp had bitten +her. She staggered back with closed eyes and nearly fainted away. She +quickly recovered however, and next day wrote me a childishly merry +letter. + +"Since that day I only once touched her lips again, and then they were +cold and closed for ever. + +"How the six years of my University career passed, how I found life at +home when I returned for the holidays would be useless to relate. It +would be a long, and monotonous narrative. Some estrangement arose +between me and my foster-sister, partly through my fault, for science +and study monopolized my attention more and more. From year to year +this strange girl grew more reserved in my presence. Only in her +charming letters could I discover a trace of the old intimacy of our +childhood. + +"Her outward development did not fall short of its early promise. + +"She was fullgrown at the age of fourteen; somewhat slender, but quite +formed. The small portrait of her which I once showed you has but +little resemblance. Her character, if I may so express my self, was +even more mature than her person, and only betrayed itself in her +movements. A stately calm, an indifference, scarcely concealed for many +things which generally appear alluring at her age, isolated her a good +deal. Then again, when she wished to please, her smile, the gentle and +timid yielding up of herself had a charm not to be described. Few knew +her real value, her genuine upright soul; and among those few, her +brother was not. I was then too much engrossed by my studies, too eager +to solve the mysteries of physical science, to care about the secrets +of that young heart. Strange to say although I was always of a sensual +disposition, and certainly no paragon of virtue, and having eyes to see +could easily perceive, that all my conquests, compared with that +remarkable girl, appeared like housemaids beside a young princess, yet +it never entered my head to fall in love with her. When I wrote home, +it was always to my foster-mother, and she had to remind me sometimes, +of what was due to my little sister. + +"She once wrote that the child who was as reserved as ever, did not +show what she felt, although my neglect seemed to hurt her, and one day +when I had forgotten even to mention her in my letter, she had cried +the whole night. + +"I hastened to repair my negligence, and wrote her a most penitent +letter half in earnest, half in jest, accusing myself of the darkest +crimes towards my faithful little sister, protesting that she was a +thousand times too kind to me a petrified egotist whose very heart had +been turned to stone, among skeletons and anatomical preparations. Her +answer was full of loving kindness, and after that our fraternal +intercourse seemed re-established on the old footing. + +"Then she was fourteen years of age. On her fifteenth birthday, I +passed my examination for a doctor's degree and we exchanged merry +congratulations by telegraph. + +"Then I travelled during a year with you for a companion, and you will +remember that the letters I received from home often made me slightly +uneasy. + +"My mother wrote that Ellen was not well; she did not complain, but her +altered looks only too visibly testified to her sufferings. The old +family physician looked rather grave about it. Now I was well +acquainted with this good old gentleman. He was a strict adherent of +the old school, and greatly prejudiced against the stethoscope, +otherwise he had the reputation of much experience in diagnostics, and +of great caution, and attention. + +"Still this could not tranquillize me, and my parents who believed me +to be the greatest medical genius in the world, expressed a strong +desire, that if I could possibly get away, I should hasten home and +have a consultation with the old doctor. So I determined, as you know +to quit my studies in Paris--to hurry home, and decide for myself if +all was as it should be. + +"When I arrived, Ellen advanced to greet me, looking so well, and +lively, that at the first moment, I asked with playful indignation, if +this was the august patient to attent to whose delicate health, a +celebrated young physician had been summoned from a great distance. +Poor child! the pleasure caused by my having set aside every other +consideration for her sake, gave that delusive air of blooming health. +I soon perceived that the old doctor had not looked grave without +cause. I was decidedly however opposed to his opinion that she was +threatened with pulmonary disease. After a most careful auscultation, I +had found her lungs to be perfectly sound, whereas the palpitations of +her heart seemed to be somewhat irregular; this symptom proceeded from +a morbid state of the nervous, and blood system. Accordingly the first +treatment which was principally directed against everything stimulating +and enjoined great quiet, seemed to me the reverse of salutary. I +prescribed steel, wine, and strengthening food, to rectify the poverty +of blood, and declared that the remedies by which the old doctor hoped +to ward off the disease were as bad as poison in her case. Her parents, +of course, sided with me, particularly as the apparent success of my +treatment during the first weeks of my stay with them corroborated my +statement. Ellen felt more lively, and stronger, her sleep and appetite +returned, and while the old practitioner withdrew deeply hurt, and +mortified, I enjoyed the first pleasures of fame though it still stood +on a very precarious footing, and I felt the happiness of having +delivered those dear to me, from a heavy care. + +"I never intended to establish myself in that town. I knew that I could +only reside in a large capital where I could find better assistance in +my studies. I, therefore, carefully entrusted Ellen's treatment to the +second doctor of the place, a very humble man, rather irresolute, and +dependent on others, who in presence of so young, and far travelled a +colleague, meekly resigned any opinion of his own, and promised to keep +strictly to the enjoined course of treatment; and now and then to write +and inform me of the progress of the cure. The parents saw me depart +with heavy hearts, but my welfare, and their duty with regard to my +success in life, outweighed any wishes of their own, and Ellen eagerly +seconded my desire. I had already lost too much of my precious time on +her account, she said; she felt much better, and now that she knew my +orders, no one should induce her to do anything I had not sanctioned. I +still see the smile with which she bade me good-bye, while the +repressed tears choked her voice. Alas! Charles, it was the last time +that I saw a smile light up that dear face! + +"So I departed entirely blinded, and at the commencement of my stay at +M---- I was so completely taken up with the exercise of my profession, +that in the letters from home I only noticed the favourable +particulars; especially as Ellen's frequent accounts of herself, which +almost formed a sort of diary, lulled me into so perfect a security, +that I fancied, the care and anxiety which now and then appeared in her +mother's letters to be only caused by the exaggerated fondness of a +mother's heart. + +"My colleague full of respect for my green wisdom, did his best to +interpret every graver symptom in favour of my diagnostics, and so I +lived on, a rose coloured mist blinding my eyes, till the darkest night +suddenly closed around me. + +"Ellen's letters which in the later weeks had become rather dispirited +suddenly stopped. In their stead I received a letter from the doctor, +about six months after my departure saying that another consultation +with me seemed to him most desirable. In the last few weeks several +symptoms had suddenly changed, so that he dared not proceed in the +former manner without further orders. My adoptive parents also eagerly +intreated me to come to them. + +"But even in spite of all this, I still lingered, certainly not for any +frivolous reason; the life or death of some of my patients, just then, +depending on my stay. At last a telegraphic despatch startled me into +activity. A vomiting of blood had taken place: If you do not come +instantly, wrote her mother, you will not find her alive. + +"Late at night I arrived at their house feeling as if I myself were +dying. On that dreadful journey the scales had suddenly fallen from my +eyes, and with the same ingenuity which I had formerly exercised to +confirm my own errors, I now sought out every argument expressly to +torment myself with the conviction that I alone was responsible for the +loss of this much cherished being. I tottered up the well-known stairs. +Her mother met me on the landing, tearless, but with a disturbed look +in her eyes. It seemed almost like a relief to me, when she exclaimed: +'you are too late!'--I had dreaded to meet the eyes of my poor sister, +as a murderer dreads the dying look of his victim. And yet it was more +painful to see the calm face, which reclined on her pillows, smiling, +and free from reproach. + +"No one accused me; they still believed in me, and laid the blame on +different incidents, but I felt crushed under the weight of my despair, +and the wildest self-reproaches. + +"On entering the chamber of death, her father looking like a corpse, +staggered heavily into my arms, and losing all self-command, burst into +such convulsive sobs, that the people passing in the streets stopped to +listen. Then the sight of all the old servants who had adored her; of +her mother so completely _changed_--even to this day my hair stands on +end when I think of that dreadful scene. The mother beside herself with +grief called for wine, for I was to drink Ellen's health--she supposed +the 'so called good God' would not object to that. But when the servant +brought it, the father taking the glass from the plate dashed it +against the wall, crying out: 'broken! dead!' A hundred times, till his +voice was choked by tears.--At last his wife led him away and I was +left alone with the dead. + +"Enough of this dreadful night. I need only add that by dissection, I +obtained a full confirmation, of that, of which the quick penetration +of the old physician had foreseen the danger.--Could it have been +averted? Who can say with certainty whether a conflagration can be +stayed or not, if he does not know what feeds it, or from whence the +wind blows. I had poured fuel on the fire which had snatched away this +innocent life. + +"You may imagine that I did not close my eyes that night. The morning +found me still sitting, racked with pain and fever, by the bed-side of +my sister, when the door opened, and her mother entered the room. She +had recovered the noble and gentle serenity of her features, now that +the first delirium of despair had passed. She kissed me, with +overflowing tears, and even in _my_ burning eyes the tears welled up, +'My dear son,' she said 'I here surrender to you a small packet which I +found in her writing-table: Your name is on it.' + +"It was her diary, beginning with her twelfth year, up to a few days +before her death--On every page I found my name; on the last were these +words, 'I am dying, darling--I have known you and been permitted to +love you. What more can life bring me? I now have no other wish but +that you should know that I only lived for you, and through you!'--And +this to her murderer!! + +"All the events that succeeded; the death of her father, the short +widowhood of her mother, who pined away till she was at last re-united +to her darling ones, all this, sad as it was, could no longer move me, +the darkness within me was so great--What mattered it if one spark more +died out or not? _That_ I never could forget or overcome--That all +hopes of ever being happy again were at end, was a conviction deeply +impressed on my heart. + +"I repeated to myself a hundred times, that I had acted for the +best according to my belief, that every one of my colleagues had +experienced a like misfortune, that we were only responsible for our +intentions--But in spite of all this, did these three lives weigh the +less on my soul? Could I absolve myself, were all the judges in Heaven +and earth to proclaim me free from guilt? I had destroyed the only joy +of my benefactors, and had miserably deceived them.--I had neglected +this precious life, and how could I henceforth expect any man to +entrust his life to me? + +"I know what you would oppose to this Charles--You have often told me +that I was too sensitive for a doctor's profession--That every one who +consults us knows beforehand that we are only human,--not omnipotent, +and omniscient Gods, and takes his chance. + +"The best doctors are those who never let their feelings interfere, and +never paralyse their energies for the future, by useless regrets for +the unalterable past. I quite agree with you that these are most sound +maxims. But I know enough of disease to foresee that mine is incurable. + +"When the first stunning pain had somewhat subsided, I said to myself, +that I _must_ bear it as well as I could, and at least try to be of +some use as a subordinate, having forfeited my rights as a master.--I +threw my whole energy into theoretical studies--I collected, dissected, +and observed--I might, perhaps, have reconciled myself to this new +existence, if the past had not thrown a shadow over every thing. Now I +loathed and revolted inwardly against all this groping on the +boundaries of human knowledge. A general, after losing a battle upon +which depended the destiny of a whole nation, will hardly like, as long +as the war lasts, to sit in a corner of some quiet library, and study +tactics and strategy. Then I believed that time would cure my wounds +and make life, at least, supportable to me, even if it should be for +ever sunless and gloomy. + +"I had tried aimless wandering and had only experienced the truth of +that hacknied saying that shifting of scenes can never change Tragedy +into Comedy. + +"Only once it seemed as if I might be allured back to that part of my +life alone worth living for--my profession! + +"It was on a steamer between Marseilles and Genoa--We had left the +coast far behind us--suddenly the Captain came up in great +consternation, and asked if there was any doctor among the passengers. +A lady had been taken ill, and was lying in the cabin writhing with +pain--I was just lying down to sleep, determined not to meddle in this +matter, when I heard moans and exclamations from the cabin which would +not let me rest. I asked the Captain to take me down, and after +searching the ship's medicine chest; found some remedies which soothed +the pain. The lady would not let me go, but insisted in a strange medly +of Spanish, and French on my passing the night on a sofa in the +adjoining cabin. At last she went to sleep, and my eyes also closed, +weary with gazing through the open hatchway at the moon-lit sea. + +"All at once, I felt something like an icy cold hand drawn across my +face. I started up, believing it to be the spray which was dashing off +the wheels into the cabin--but to my intense horror, I saw the figure +of Ellen standing beside me, just as she had looked when lying in her +coffin, only her dim widely opened eyes were fixed on me, and her white +finger was laid to her lips, as if to say: 'Do not betray me.' Then she +approached the couch of the stranger, lifted one of the green silk +curtains and after gazing for several minutes on the sleeping woman she +sadly shook her head, and looked gravely at me as if to reproach me for +caring for another when I had left _her_ to die. For one moment she +sunk down at the foot of the bed as if greatly exhausted: then +beckoning three times to me she glided through the hatchway like a +streak of mist. Since that night I have never again approached a +sick-bed. You know, Charles, that I was never of a visionary nature, +that I do not believe in spirits. Of course I know as well as you do +that this was only a delusion of the senses. An apparition caused by +the over excited state of my nerves. But does this alter the main point? +Did I suffer the less because I knew it to be owing to the power of my +nerves over my reason? How can one, whose senses are at variance with +him, hope to gain peace? and how is _he_ to live, who hopes no longer? + +"I have become a superfluous guest at the banquet of life, and so I +prefer taking leave of it, and only press your hand once more before +disappearing. My existence is now no longer necessary to any one--not +even to a dog. + +"None but a healthy and cheerful egotist could tolerate a life which +subsists only for itself. Pardon me, my dear friend, I know that you +will now and then miss me, but you would surely prefer; never to meet +me again, than to recognize me some day in a mad-house; clothed in a +straight waistcoat, and muttering soliloquies. + +"This letter has nearly attained the dimensions of a volume, but as it +is the last I shall ever write, its length may be pardoned. I shall +seal this enclosure with a steady hand, for I am only about to do that +which I must, that which I believe to be for the best. + +"Here in this solitary inn, they will only suppose me to be some crazed +Englishman who insists on fishing by torch-light, in the middle of the +night. Tomorrow when they see the boat driven on the lake without me, +they will say, I have only suffered for my folly, by falling asleep, +and tumbling overboard. Let all my acquaintances suppose the same. And +now good night. I own that on the point of going to sleep, I feel some +curiosity, and hope to have many things--made clear to me.--It is a +pity that I shall not be able to impart my observations to you, as we +have always done when studying together on terrestrial subjects. + +"I am also desirous to witness what dreams may haunt us in eternal +sleep, if a dead man can witness anything. + +"Nothing further has any interest for me--My will was deposed six +months ago in the court of justice--You are my executor--I thank you +once more for your faithful and firm friendship--Let this be my last +word. + + "Eberhard." + + +He did not read over what he had written but immediately folded it, put +it in an envelope, sealed it, and wrote the address--Then he again +looked out of the window--The storm had gradually subsided. He lighted +a cigar and pacing his room, he watched the long-legged spiders +crawling about the low ceiling, and observed the effects of tobacco on +them, by blowing a thick cloud of smoke over their backs. But he soon +grew tired of this interesting occupation, and stared vacantly at the +white washed walls that surrounded him. Suddenly a clamour arose in the +adjoining tap-room. He heard through the door a gruff voice which +belonged neither to the landlord, nor to the farm servant, complaining +of some unreasonable demand. "Yes it was always so, just those women +who cried and lamented if a baby had a cold, did not feel the least +compassion for two poor horses, but would drag them from the manger, +and after a journey of fifteen miles, in this cursed weather; mostly +uphill, and over those dreadful roads, would force them to trot for ten +miles further, and the whole night through, regardless as to whether +they could move a limb on the morrow or not. But he would not stir; no, +not if they were to lay down a hundred kronenthalers on the very spot. +He was not in the service of a knacker, but had to deliver up his +roadsters in the same condition in which he got them; and besides to +say the truth he wished for some rest for himself, and did not care to +break his limbs on the way or get drowned in a puddle." + +A timid female voice which had now and then interrupted this speech +with beseeching words was silenced by this conclusion, which was +accompanied by a fierce oath, and a heavy thump of the fist on the +table. The landlord intervened in his abrupt way by seconding the +coachman, and ordering some beer from the cellar. Then the two men +began to converse on other subjects, the coachman chiefly abusing the +bad roads which ruined horses and carriage. The landlord fully agreed +with him, and asked him how it was that the ladies had preferred coming +by this side of the dead lake. The coachman informed him that a +landslip had made the other road quite impassable, at least for +twenty-four hours. The rest of the passengers had been contented to wait +at the station, but these ladies had insisted on continuing their +journey on this dangerous road; perhaps because of the child, which +never ceased to wail and moan. At this moment the door opened, and the +men's rough tones were suddenly hushed. A melodious woman's voice was +heard whose touching accents seemed to quiet even these coarse fellows. +At least the coachman, who on her renewing her prayer to him to prepare +for their departure, answered quite civilly, and without any +superfluous oaths, that it was almost impossible to gratify her wishes, +and gave his reasons. She appeared to acquiesce in their importance, +and after a moment's silent reflection, asked if any messenger could be +found who for a considerable gratification would undertake to summon +the nearest doctor, otherwise the child would probably not live through +the night. In saying this her voice trembled so much that the +involuntary listener was touched to the heart. He walked to the +casement, hoping to drown those soft tones in the rushing sound of the +rain. At this moment however the clouds above the lake dispersed +showing the moon's clear and silvery crescent and the sudden stillness +forced him to hear the rest of the parley. + +The landlord called his servant, and asked him if he would take a +message to the doctor who lived six miles distant, in the small +market-town which was situated in a neighbouring valley. The man +replied that he had no objection to the long walk, or the bad road, if +the lady gave him a liberal fee; but he knew that it would be useless +for Hansel the forester's assistant had told him that very day, that +his friend Sepp had to wait another week to have the ball extracted +from his thigh, for the doctor himself was ill, from a fall from his +horse, and his apprentice had an unsafe hand, as he was renowned for +drinking too much brandy. Then the sad and gentle voice of the lady +asked, after a silence of several minutes, if it would not be possible +to procure a litter, and carry the child to the nearest place where a +doctor resided, she herself would help to carry it; she only required a +couple of trustworthy men, and a guide with a lighted torch. + +That could not be done either, the landlord answered;--they had no +litter on which the child could be carried comfortably, and then they +could not all leave the house; however he would speak to his wife about +it. + +He was just reluctantly leaving his bench by the stove, when the +landlady herself rushed into the room, and cried out that the nurse +begged her mistress to come to the child--that departure was now not to +be thought of, for the child was dying. + +The listener in the adjacent room turned from the window as if drawn by +some magic power; he took a few steps towards the door, then stopped +and shook his head with a sigh. He tried to recommence his walk up and +down the small room; but at every second step, he stood still to listen +for some further sound. His cigar had gone out. Mechanically he +approached it to the candle to light it, but before he was aware of +what he was doing, his breath had extinguished the feeble flame. He +remained staring at the dying sparks in the wick--one moment more and +the last would disappear. Possibly in the next room a little flame far +more valuable than the miserable light of this penny candle was on the +point of relapsing into the darkness of night. + +Well let it die out; what right had any one to meddle in the matter. +Perhaps by trying to kindle it again, it would only the more surely be +extinguished by his clumsy hands. What can it signify? Why try to save +a human being's life, who may, some day or other, wish that he had +never been born, and who may perhaps also see the hour, when he shall +have to bid good night to his dearest friend---- + +Again he listened, and held his breath not to lose a sound of what was +passing in the next room. He fancied he heard a child's plaintive +moaning, then the lady's gentle voice trying to soothe it, passionate +weeping, and then silence. He could stand it no longer in the solitude +of his room. He only wished to hear how the child was going on. He +began to think himself a barbarian, to be quietly hiding in a corner, +when even these rough peasants showed some sympathy. Hastily opening +the door, he groped his way through the dark empty tap-room, and across +the passage. The door was ajar, and a ray of light streamed through the +chink. He now distinctly heard the child moan and the mother quieting +it. "We ought to prepare some tea for the poor child in order to +bring on a perspiration," said the hostess, "We must try and find +some."--"The elder berries, in the drawer up-stairs, would not do badly +in case of need," answered her husband; then silence reigned again, +only interrupted by the sighs of the house-maid, who knelt in a corner, +repeating one pater-noster after another. + +"Put another feather-bed on the child," advised the coachman; "it has +caught cold; see how its little hands twitch convulsively--it is +freezing." + +The farm-servant, who stood near the stove, was just going to lay +another log on the still glowing embers, when he was arrested by a firm +hand which was laid on his shoulders. He turned round and perceived the +stranger standing before him. "I forbid you to put on another chip of +wood;" he said, in a voice which denoted that he was accustomed to be +strictly obeyed; "and you all," he continued, turning to the rest of +the idle spectators, "get out of the room; do you hear? the air here is +bad enough to stifle even a healthy man." They all looked at each +other--only the mother and nurse of the child had not perceived the +entrance of the stranger. The mother knelt beside the bed with one arm +clasped round the moaning child as if to defend it from assassins. The +nurse stood by her, and stared in helpless despair on her little +charge--on its wandering eyes, and fever parched lips, from which now +and then a low wail escaped. She started back, as if death in person +was approaching her, when the stranger stept up to the bed, laid his +hand on the burning brow, and took up one of the little thin arms to +feel the pulse. + +The shriek of horror which the nurse involuntarily uttered, awakened +the mother from the lethargy of despair. She looked wonderingly at the +stranger, and a sudden ray of hope brightened her face. + +"Madam," he said, "will you entrust your child to one entirely unknown +to you, who though he has not the presumption to promise to save its +life, yet knows what in these cases, is prescribed by our feeble +science." + +She could not answer him; this unlooked for aid in her direst distress +overpowered her. "Take this," he said, drawing a card from his +pocket-book, "my name may not be known to you, but the title which +stands before it will show you, that others too have trusted to my +skill; with what result, has nothing to do with the present case." + +The young woman remained in her former position, but she stretched +towards him the arm not engaged in supporting her child's head, and +said: "The Almighty seems to have sent you, He has had compassion on +me. I fully confide in you!" + +"Then order a pitcher of fresh spring water from the well, and a tub to +be brought. The rest I will manage myself." + +He hastily opened both windows, and took the feather-bed from off the +child, only covering it lightly with a large plaid. Then he called in +the farm-servant who was standing in the passage, with the rest of the +people, grumbling, and waiting for the result of the stranger's +despotic interference. He asked if no snow or ice could be procured in +the neighbourhood. "Yes," growled out the man, "there was some to be +had; but one must climb for about an hour through the woods, to get to +the crevice in a rock, where the snow never melted summer or winter, as +the sun could not reach the spot. To-morrow morning he would go and +fetch some!" + +"You don't seem to understand me," resumed the doctor; "here I lay down +this kronenthaler; it is now half past nine o'clock; the moon is up, +the storm has ceased--whoever brings me in the course of an hour, a +load of snow or ice has gained this reward. Tomorrow you may bring down +a whole glacier, and will not get a penny for it." "All right," said +the farm-servant with a short laugh, and walked away. The nurse had in +the meantime brought in the cold water and an empty tub. Without +another word, the stranger lifted the child from the bed, stripped off +its clothes, and telling the mother to hold it, he poured the icy cold +water over it. He then dried it quickly, laid it again in its bed, and +wrapped a wet towel round its head. The child which a moment ago had +struggled and screamed in his arms, now seemed relieved. The eyes +ceased to wander, and turned towards the mother with a wondering, but +calm look--then she closed them with a deep sigh. + +"The child is dying!" the nurse screamed out, and burst into a fit of +crying. "I thought that would be the consequence of the cold water, and +the open windows. Ah, Madam, how could you suffer this?" + +"Silence," said the stranger imperiously, "or you will have to leave +the room. I hope, Madam," he continued, in a gentler tone, "that you do +not expect a miracle from me. The illness we have to combat, cannot be +vanquished in one night. The child has a virulent typhus fever, and our +chief care must be to prevent the brain from being affected. But do not +let every new symptom alarm you. As far as I can judge, no aggravating +circumstances exist. You see the child has again opened its eyes. +Nature already feels that we are assisting it. How old is the child?" +"Seven years and a few weeks." "A fine child, so well developed; what +anguish you must now suffer." + +Tears streamed from the poor mother's eyes; she pressed her face +against the little white hand which lay on the dark plaid. All the +agitation of the last weary hours, dissolved in these refreshing tears. + +At last she arose, and with a grateful look at the doctor, she sank +into a chair which he had placed for her beside the bed. He too took a +seat at the foot of it, and gravely but calmly observed the little +girl. They were both silent. The nurse, ashamed of her thoughtless +outbreak, went to and fro to renew the cold compresses. Without, all +was still; the last clouds had disappeared and a ray of moonlight stole +in, and shone slanting through, the narrow casement, lighting up the +small white hand of the young mother who was softly stroking the little +hand of her child. The only sound which broke the silence proceeded +from the streamlets formed by the rain, which were now rushing past the +house, the regular dripping of the gutter, and the whistling of the +coachman who was bedding his horses. + +Suddenly the child raised herself on the pillows, looked at the +stranger with widely opened eyes, and said: "Is this Papa? is he not +dead? I want to give him a kiss, Mamma; has he not brought something +for his little daughter? I want to sit on his knee. Where is Sophy? Oh! +my poor head! Papa please hold my head. I am thirsty." Then the small +fair head sank back on the pillow, and the eyes closed as if in pain. +Eberhard rose and held a glass of fresh water to her burning lips. +"Thank you, Papa," said the child. Then she became very quiet, only the +twitchings of the feverish half opened mouth betrayed her sufferings. + +"I must explain to you," the lady began, turning to the silent doctor, +who had now resumed his seat, "how it comes that my poor darling has +those strange fancies. Unfortunately I must reproach myself with having +caused this violent shock: The father of my poor little girl was an +Austrian officer. A few months after our marriage, I had to part with +him; his regiment was ordered to Italy, where the war was commencing. +Shortly afterwards news reached me that he had been amongst the first +victims of the bloody battle of Solferino. Since that time I have +always felt the greatest longing to visit the spot where my dear +husband found repose after his short career, and though no cross marks +his grave, at least to inhale the air in which his brave heart breathed +its last. Even my little girl expressed the same wish as she grew +older, and understood me when I told her of her father's death. Many +things deterred me from realizing this plan, particularly the fear that +the long journey might overfatigue, and agitate the child, who always +had a very excitable imagination, and a tender heart: and now I have to +suffer severely for having indulged my desire. If you had seen how +eagerly she listened to the words which I translated to her from the +account of the old serjeant, whom I found watching the monument on the +field of battle. Her cheeks burned, and her eyes glistened; her emotion +was far beyond her years. When we turned back she shivered, and in the +following night, complained of headache, and did not sleep for an +instant. She did not mention her father again till this moment, when +she mistook you for him, and fancied he was sitting at her bedside. +Perhaps it would have been better, had I remained where I was, but I +dreaded the Italian doctors, and did not believe the danger to be so +imminent. In my own carriage, for I had taken post-horses on leaving +the railway, I thought we could easily arrange a comfortable bed for +the child. The weather too was warm, and she herself eagerly desired to +be taken home. The storm reached us just at the worst part of the road; +and we were most thankful when we reached this inn. But what would have +become of us without your help?" + +She turned from the gloomy and taciturn man to dry her tears. Then they +again sat silently opposite each other. He felt tempted to entreat her +to go on speaking. Here was something in her voice which soothed him, +and was as cooling balm to his feverish soul, but he saw that her +thoughts were again occupied with the child, and he had nothing to tell +her. He only gazed more earnestly at the young woman by the dim light +of the candle and of the moon. He remarked that her brow, and the shape +of her eyes which had a distinguished melancholy and gentle expression +in them, resembled those of his adoptive mother, who had so often +looked at him with thoughtful affection. Her figure was round and +supple, and every turn of her head and of her slender throat was full +of grace. + +The abundant auburn hair hung negligently over her shoulders. All about +her showed the habits of one accustomed to wealth. Wealth ennobled by a +cultivated mind, and refined taste, but which had lost all charms for +her, in the danger which threatened her most precious treasure. + +The door was now cautiously opened, and the farm-servant dragged in a +large tub filled with ice; then wiping the perspiration from his +forehead, he triumphantly pointed to the clock which showed that ten +minutes were still wanting to the stipulated hour, pocketed his well +earned money, and officiously asked if anything else was wanted. "No, +he could go to bed now," the doctor answered. He then tore a piece of +oiled silk from the lining of his travelling pouch, made a bag of it to +hold the ice, and showed the nurse how to lay it on the forehead +of the child. Her mistress interfered--"No," she said, "you must now +lie down, and rest, Josephine; you have not slept for thirty-six +hours."--"Neither, Madam, have you," observed the maid, "and I do not +need it so much as your honour, for at least I have swallowed a few +morsels of food." + +"Do as I tell you," resumed the mother; "I well know how useless it +would be for me to attempt to sleep. Perhaps I may be able to take some +rest in the morning, if the night passes well." + +"Allow me to feel your pulse. Madam," said the doctor, and then without +another word he suddenly left the room. + +The two women looked after him in astonishment, and the maid, an +elderly fat woman, with a round face, strongly marked by the smallpox, +and good natured brown eyes, availed herself of his absence, to sing +the praises of their unknown deliverer, quite as eagerly as she had +previously abused him. "He had something so peculiar about him," she +remarked; "he appeared to be ill and yet kind heartedness was written +on every feature--and how cleverly he managed everything; how well he +supported our child's head, just as if he had been a nurse all the days +of his life. And then he is so very handsome and quite young, only now +and then when a stern expression comes over his face, he looks so grave +and gloomy, as if he had never laughed; and at other times he shuts his +eyes, as if he were in great pain, and wished to conceal it." + +At this moment the subject of her remarks returned, carrying a large +glass of milk in his hand. He gave it to the lady as one would offer +some medicine to a child. "Drink this, Madam," he said; "it is new milk +and will do you good." "You require strength to fulfill the task you +have undertaken, and here nothing else is to be had. It would be very +beneficial to the child, if she could be induced to swallow a few +drops. Approach the glass to her lips, and persuade her to try it; you +have succeeded. We must do all we can to keep up her strength, so that +another attack may not overcome her. Now follow my advice, and lie down +on that bed; I will watch the child, and the maid also can well spare a +few hours more of sleep. When midnight has passed, I will awake you and +then the maid can lie down." She still objected. "Do as I tell you," he +said passionately, "or I will think that you never really felt the +confidence you showed me." + +She turned towards the bed where the child, relieved by the ice +compresses, lay apparently asleep and stooping over its delicate little +face kissed its closed eyes. "I will obey you," she said, with a faint +smile, "if you promise to awake me, in case my child should grow +worse." + +He silently pressed her hand and took her seat by the bedside, while +her maid helped her to lie down on the second bed, which stood in a +corner, after having removed a load of coverings. + +When a quarter of an hour had passed, the faithful creature, softly +approaching the doctor, who sat absorbed in his own thoughts, stooped, +seized one of his hands, and before he could prevent it had pressed it +to her lips, whispering: "God be praised, she sleeps! Oh sir, you can +work marvels! For four nights, my mistress had not closed her eyes. +First the grief, and agitation before we reached that unfortunate +battle-field; and then, anxiety about her child. If you but knew what +an angel my mistress is. If I were to tell you all...." + +"Leave that for another time," he interrupted; "you have nothing else to +do now, but to lie down, and not to stir till I call you. To-night you +are useless, and to-morrow you must be up early. Here are pillows, and +coverlets enough. Arrange a bed for yourself beside the stove; and now +good night. Don't contradict me. Do you wish to awake your mistress by +uselessly arguing the matter?" + +The good woman obeyed with a timid humble look, pulled a feather-bed +into a corner of the room, and in a few minutes her regular breathing, +proved that she too had needed rest after the hardships of the last few +days. + +A short while afterwards, the moon disappeared behind a cloud, and only +the faint reflex of the starry sky was to be seen, on that part of the +lake which could be overlooked from the room in which the lonely +watcher sat by the sick-bed. He now for the first time felt a desire to +take some food, and to quench his thirst. He drank the remainder of the +milk which still stood on the table. As he put down the glass he +fancied he saw the lady on the bed make a convulsive movement. He +approached her softly. In an uneasy dream, she had put both hands to +her eyes as if to wipe away tears; now she slept quietly, and her hands +slowly sank down again. Motionless he gazed on that fair face, on which +every dream was reflected as the shadows of dissolving clouds on the +calm surface of a lake; sorrow, anxiety, then hope! Now she smiled, and +the delicately chiselled lips parted, disclosing two rows of pearly +teeth. The next moment her brow darkened, an imploring look appeared on +her face; she stretched out both her hands and clasped them together; +he then remarked on one of her fingers, two wedding rings, and wondered +whether the second one belonged to the father of her child, or if some +other man were now in possession of that small hand. He was roused from +these thoughts by a moan from the little girl. He only arranged the +coverlet which had fallen on the ground and wrapped it round the small +feet of the young woman who had not taken off her boots. Then he +returned to his occupation of changing, every quarter of an hour, the +ice that had melted and now and then refreshing the parched lips of the +child with a few drops of water. + +Towards midnight a violent wind arose on the lake, and the young man +shivered as the window was still open. He seized the first wrap which +he found among the luggage, and covered himself up with it. It was a +long soft burnouss lined with silk which belonged to the young woman. +He pulled the hood over his head; and a sweet scent was wafted from it; +as the silk touched his face a peculiar feeling of languor came over +him; he closed his eyes, but a confused maze of ideas passed through +his mind, and he could not sleep. + +Suddenly his eyes opened with an expression of terror in them. He +started from his chair, and trembling violently, he stared at the lake. +Conspicuous on the dark surface of the water, something white glided +slowly; it had the shape of a veiled figure, and seemed to move towards +the house. The moon had appeared again, and lit up a faint streak of +mist which had strayed from the mountain tops, and was swept across the +lake. When it reached the current of wind that blew from the ravine, it +dissolved, and the surface of the water was as clear as before; but the +only one who had seen this airy apparition still stood as if rooted to +the ground and stared at the spot where it had disappeared. A cold +perspiration bathed his brow, his breath came shortly and quickly, and +his eyes, which started from their sockets, remained fixed on that +spot, as if he expected to see the vision appear again the next moment. + +A hot little hand touched the clammy ones of the horror-stricken man, +"Is it you, Papa?" asked the little girl; and sat up in her bed. Two +small thin arms were stretched up to him and before he was aware of it, +the child clung to his neck and hid its burning face on his breast. +"Don't leave us again, Papa," she said, "or Mamma will cry again, and I +must die." + +In an instant the nightmare which oppressed him, vanished. He clasped +the slender little figure in his arms, as if it were a protection +against the malignant powers. He held her so for some time, and while +the child caressed him, he felt the blood flow more calmly through his +veins. He kissed her little face, stroking her damp curls, asked: "What +is your name, my child." "Are you my Papa," she said, "and do not even +know that I am your own little Fan? Ah, yes, I know that they have shot +you, that is why you have forgotten me. Did it hurt you much?" + +"To-morrow I will tell you all about it," he said, and gently laid her +back on her bed; "now, you must keep quiet, and not awake your Mamma." + +The child obediently lay down, and closed her eyes, but she held fast +the hand of her faithful guardian, and now and then looked up at him +with a wondering but wide awake expression. He too stedfastly gazed on +the innocent face, as if fearing that were he to turn round, the +terrifying vision would again appear. + +So he watched by the sick-bed till day dawned. When the bare rocky +peaks which rose above the lake, blushed in the first morning light, +sounds of life, broke the stillness of the house. + +The farm-servant crept shoeless along the passage, and cautiously +peeping into the sick-room, pointed to the now empty wooden tub and +asked if another supply of ice were wanted. The doctor nodded his head, +and he disappeared. Then came the landlady and offered her ready +services, but Everhard declined them. The generosity of the strange +gentleman had worked wonders with the inmates of the house. Only the +coachman, who had not got over his intoxication of the previous day, +stumbled, cursing, and growling, with heavy boots, down the stairs, and +through the passage; so that the lady asked still half asleep, if it +were time to start. "Not yet," answered Everhard, "you can sleep on for +another hour." Then he rose hastily, and went out to prevent the noisy +fellow from again approaching the sick-room. When he returned after a +few minutes, he found the young mother seated at the bedside of her +child. + +"Why are you up already?" he asked reproachfully. "Already?" she +replied, "you wish to put me to confusion. Have you not succeeded in +deceiving me, and taken my place through the whole of the night. Why +did you not let me share the night-watch with you?" + +"Because I could easily dispense with sleep, which was most needful for +you. And then there was nothing to be done which required help. Be of +good cheer; we have every reason to be satisfied with this night." + +"Then the danger is over! thanks be to heaven!" + +"I cannot give you that certainty," he answered; "you have promised to +trust me, and can only do so, if I conceal nothing from you. But I can +give you the assurance that all the symptoms are as favourable as can +be expected in this illness. The inmates of the house are well disposed +towards us, and will do their best to help us." + +A ray of pleasure brightened her pale face. "Oh! my friend," she +exclaimed, "if it were but possible!" She held out her hand to him, and +tears stood in her eyes. + +He stooped to kiss her hand, but in reality to hide his emotion. "Could +you have believed me capable of forsaking you, before the child's life +was saved?" he asked. "Do not thank me, not imagine that I am +sacrificing anything by remaining here. I have already brought you the +greatest sacrifice I could offer, all the rest is a relief to me." + +She looked up inquiringly. "I am keeping you from other duties?" she +asked. + +"No," he answered gloomily; "ever since last year I have been an idle, +and restless man. Led by motives, which cannot interest you, I once +gave myself my word of honour, never to exercise my profession as a +doctor again. Yesterday, I broke this word for your sake. If you will +permit me to continue my attendance, you will free me from reproach, +and so we shall be of mutual service to each other." + +After a pause during which he had felt the pulse of the child, he +resumed, "She now sleeps quietly; if you wish to apprize your friends +of your present abode, you have time to do so. The coachman, who is +meanwhile getting ready, will post your letter at the next station." + +"I have no one, who would feel anxious at my non-appearance," said the +lady, and blushed slightly; "I live so very retired!" + +"No one?" he repeated, with surprise, and involuntarily his eyes +fastened on the two rings. + +She remarked his glance, and understood it instantly. "The second +ring," she said unconstrainedly, "is not the sign of a second marriage. +It belonged to my husband, who feeling death approaching, drew it from +his finger and begged a comrade of his to bring it to me. Since that +day, I have refused all solicitations to change my condition, and have +only withdrawn from my dear husband's family, because a near relation +of his, imagines that he has some claim to my hand. I have vowed to +live only for my child, and to the memory of the dead, and this vow is +sacred to me." + +The nurse now awoke, and reluctantly sat up on her couch, but she +jumped up briskly, when she saw her mistress and the doctor already +actively employed, and hastened with great zeal to relieve them; +protesting that it was all the doctor's fault, as he had strictly +forbidden her to watch. + +"Bathe the child," said Everhard; "I will now leave you for half an +hour; bathe the child as we did yesterday, and let it drink some milk +which you can now get fresh from the cow. And here comes a fresh supply +of ice. You see the attendance could nowhere be better than it is in +this desolate nook of the world. Fortunately an apothecary's shop is +not needed in this case. Good-bye; we shall soon meet again." He bowed +slightly and left the room. Then he walked down to the shore, loosened +one of the boats which were chained up in the shed, and with a few +powerful strokes launched the light bark into the open lake. The sun +had not yet risen above the surrounding heights, overgrown with dark +pines, and the calm and sultry air lay heavily on the dark surface of +the water, and oppressed the chest of the young man who was fatigued by +the sleepless night. He looked down into the depths below him and +noticed that close to the boat the water seemed transparent as crystal, +and nearly white, while the lake beyond, though the sky was bright and +clear, appeared like a black unfathomable chasm. He recollected what a +woodcutter had once told him, that the lake was bottomless--that its +waters sank deeper and deeper till at last they reached hell; and so +when the evil spirits there found their abode too hot for them, they +went to bathe in them. + +He pulled in his oars and looked up at the nearly perpendicular shores +which were covered with dark fir-woods up to their very peaks. These +had exchanged the glow of early morning for a dull greyish tint. And +now the sun had burst forth with great power, and tried to gild the +ravine, which looked like a cauldron of dark iron. But only a dazzling +white light was reflected on the smooth surface of the lake. The dense +woods which surrounded it absorbed every ray of sunshine. No cheerful +light coloured and enlivened the dreary landscape. A small patch of +green grass, near the inn, on which a red-brown cow grazed, and the +blue smoke which curled up from the chimney were the only objects that +awakened the consoling thought, that even in this wilderness human +beings had found a home. An islet, covered with birch-trees, lay near +the opposite shore. Everhard rowed up to it, tied the bark to a post, +and stripped off his clothes to enjoy an early bath. + +Suddenly the thought struck him, with what intention he had arrived +yesterday. He shuddered. It seemed to him as if his resolve would be +fulfilled, even against his will; as if he had pledged himself to that +perfidious depth, which would claim him for its own. One moment he felt +tempted to put on his clothes again, and to row back as fast as he +could, but ashamed of his weakness, he shook off these fancies and +boldly jumped into the water. + +The cold Alpine waves closed round him like ice just melted by the sun, +and he had to exert all his knowledge of swimming, to keep his blood, +by continual movement, from congealing. When he stepped out of the +water, and leaning against the stem of a young birch, his feet buried +in the soft moss, dried himself briskly, he felt happier than he had +done for many a day. He looked towards the house. In the room, where +the child lay he could see some one moving near the window. The +distance was too great to distinguish the figure, still less the +features, yet it pleased to him to think that among the inmates of that +house, there were some who needed him, and had placed their hopes in +him. + +Meanwhile the child in the sick-room raised herself in her bed, looked +searchingly round the room, and said: "Has Papa gone away? is he again +dead? I want him to sit beside me." Her mother kissed the child's +forehead and begged her to remain quiet. "That good gentleman is not +your Papa," she said; "you must not call him so. He is the doctor, who +will make you well again, if you are a good child, and do all he tells +you." "Not my Papa," repeated the little girl meditatively. She seemed +to relinquish her first idea with difficulty. "What is his name?" she +resumed. "Will he leave me?" + +"Here he comes," said the fat nurse, who had tears in her eyes, on +hearing her darling speak calmly and sensibly, for the first time for +several days. "Just look Ma'am, how fast he rows, as if he were +impatient to get back to our child. Well, I call that a doctor! To-day +he looks even handsomer, than he did yesterday, with his fine black +beard and pale face. Only his eyes have a stern expression, that would +frighten one if he were not so kind." + +They now saw him leap from the boat but he did not speak to them, as he +passed the door, and they heard him give some orders to the landlady. A +few minutes later he entered the sick-room, at once approached the bed +of the child, and talked kindly to it. This presence seemed to exercise +a sort of charm on the little girl. She breathed with more ease, and +closed her eyes at his persuasion. + +The stillness in the sick-room was so great that they heard the splash +of the fish leaping in the water. After some time he rose, and +whispered, "She sleeps; the fever has abated. I hope she may be able to +rest for a few hours, and I will take care that no one disturbs her. I +will now lie down for a short while, till the chicken broth I have +ordered for our little patient, is ready. + +"How can I ever express my thanks to you for all your kindness, and +solicitude," observed the child's mother with much emotion. + +By not thanking me at all he replied almost gruffly, and left them. + +When he entered his room, he found the letter he had written the night +before still lying on the table. The large red seal now, seemed +offensive to his eyes, yet he could not make up his mind to destroy it, +so he put it by, in his portfolio. He then threw himself on his bed, +and tried to sleep, but the thick coming thoughts, beset him like +buzzing flies. He fancied he heard the child's voice, and that of its +lovely mother, and raised himself on his bed to listen. At length after +much musing and reflection, he fell into an uneasy sleep disturbed by +dreams. + +At noon, the landlady entered his room, and seeing him asleep, tried to +creep away noiselessly. But he was up in a moment, and inquiring if the +soup were ready, followed her into the kitchen. "Where is the broth?" +he asked, and approached the hearth whence a tempting odour arose from +the different pots and pans. The stupid maid who was stirring something +in one of them, let fall her wooden ladle in amazement, and stared +open-mouthed at the stranger as he lifted the lid of one of the pots, +and examined its contents with a critical eye. Then he asked for a +plate poured some of the chicken broth into it, and carefully took out +the herbs which floated on it. + +When he turned to carry away the soup, he saw the young mother standing +at the entrance. "Is this right?" she asked with a charming smile, +"instead of sleeping I see you have turned cook." + +"I only cook for my patients," he replied, "the care of preparing +dinner for the healthy, I leave to our hostess, who will do honour to +our confidence in her, and needs no help of mine. Is our patient still +asleep?" + +"She awoke a moment since, and has just asked for you." + +When he entered the sick-room, the child sat upright in her bed, and +greeted the doctor with a smile. Then she willingly swallowed a few +spoonfuls of the soup which he offered her. She did not appear to be +hungry however, but only to do it because he wished it. She listened +eagerly to all the doctor said. He told her that in the morning he had +watched the fish disport themselves in the lake, and promised her that +they would go and catch some of them when she could leave her bed. + +After a while she again seemed to lose consciousness. Her blue eyes +partially closed, and the small head sank back on her pillows. + +"Be of good cheer," said the doctor; "the progress is slow but sure. +Your maid must continue to change the ice frequently. Meanwhile we will +go and have dinner. It is ready." + +"Leave me here with my child," she whispered. "No," he replied, curtly. +"You must breathe the fresh air. We do not want another patient, and +your pulse is much agitated. When we have dined, we will relieve the +nurse." + +He walked on without another word, and she dared not oppose him. In the +shade before the house, close to the window of the sick-room, the cover +had been laid for two. Just as they came out, the landlady brought a +dish of fish, and placed them on the table, these were followed by a +roasted fowl. During the repast they hardly spoke a word to each other. +Both were lost in thought. Now and then, he would persuade her, not +only to take a few mouthfuls on her plate, but to eat them. "I shall be +offended," he said, gaily, "if you eat nothing. We doctors enjoy the +reputation of being great gourmands. I hope I have not disgraced my +profession in this instance?" + +"Pardon me, if I cannot yet bear the brightness around me," she said. +"My heart has been too deeply troubled. I have passed through such +heavy storms, that the ground still trembles beneath me. To-morrow I +will behave better." Then they both relapsed into silence, and gazed at +the lake, over which the mid-day heat was brooding. A cricket chirped +in the quiet little garden; and within the landlord snored on his bench +by the stove. From the shed by the lake, the gurgle of the waves +against the softly rocking boats was heard, and from the sick-room the +nurse humming a nursery rhyme, the same with which years ago she had +lulled the child in her cradle to sleep. + + + * * * * * + + +The quiet day was followed by a restless night. The fever increased in +violence; the child moaned continually, and could hardly be kept in her +bed. At midnight she grew calmer. + +The doctor hardly stirred from the house; only in the evening, he +refreshed himself with a cigar out of doors. Then he took a turn round +the house, and every time he passed the window of the sick-room, +stopped for a moment, and spoke a few words of encouragement to the +mother who would not quit the bed-side. In the night, while watching +with her--the nurse had been sent to bed--he suddenly said: "How much +your child resembles you. Just now, in this dim light, when you stooped +over her and the little girl looked up to you with that peculiarly +spiritual and precocious expression which illness gives, I could almost +have fancied that you were sisters. Ten years hence, she will be your +very image." "Perhaps you are right," answered the young mother, "but +the resemblance is only outward: all her mental qualities she inherits +from her father. I often wonder at so great a likeness in such a young +child, and _that_ too a girl. Her truthfulness her self-denial, her +courage often make me feel as if my lost husband had been given back to +me in this child." + +"You are mentioning qualities, which during our short acquaintance, I +have remarked that you possess in a high degree." + +She shook her head, "If I seem courageous, it is only owing to my +natural cowardice. When you first saw me I was quite broken-hearted +with misery, and anxiety, but I dared not give vent to my feelings, for +I knew that I should break down utterly at the sound of my own voice. +My husband could look the most fearful events calmly in the face; and +so it is with the child. He could make any sacrifice without thinking +of himself." + +"And you; I should think, you did not spare yourself in the first days +of this trial." + +"A mother's heart feels no sacrifice," she answered, "but before my +child was born I often had to strive with myself, and force myself to +do what was distasteful to me for the sake of others. It is not so with +the child, though youth generally is, and well may be, the season for +egotism. I could tell you a hundred traits of her excellent +disposition. I have often felt anxious about her, for so precocious a +tenderness of feeling is said to be the presage of a short life. Who +can tell whether it may not be realized." + +Everhard looked out on the lake, and seemed not to have heard her last +words. Suddenly he said; "you have probably a portrait of your husband: +Will you show it to me?" + +She took off a delicately worked Venetian chain, which she wore round +her neck, opened the locket which was fastened to it, and handed it to +him. + +He gazed at it for several minutes, and then silently gave it back to +her. After a long pause he said, "Was it a youthful attachment?" + +"Not quite what is generally so called. I was, certainly very young +when I made his acquaintance. Before I saw him no man had ever made any +impression on me; but I hardly knew how dearly I loved him till a month +after our marriage took place. I only learnt to appreciate him fully +during the short period of our union, and my love grew into a passion +when I had lost him for ever. Had you known him, you would have become +friends; he never had an enemy." + +Everhard had risen and was pacing the room with noiseless steps. He +stopped before the table and took up a volume which projected from a +travelling bag. They were Lenau's poems. On the fly leaf was inscribed +the name of Lucille. + +"Does this poet please you?" asked the doctor.-- + +"I hardly know whether he repels, or attracts me; and although I +generally have a clear perception in such things, yet I cannot quite +discover in his thoughts, what is genuine and what is artificial. He +suffered much, yet it often appears to me, as if by continually +irritating them, he purposely re-opened his wounds. I hardly know why I +took this book on my journey; perhaps as a sort of consolation." + +"You seek consolation with a poet so weary of life?" + +"Why not? _He_ died mad. When I think of that death, the grief for my +husband's seems easier to bear, for what a glorious death was granted +to _him_! Young, loved by all, he died heroically for his country! I +carry his image undefaced in my heart, not distorted by illness, and +the last agony, nor estranged from me by insanity. How dreadful must it +not be to see one dear to us deprived of his senses. Do you not feel +the same?" + +He was silent for a moment, and then replied by another question: "So +you would have thought the death of your husband desirable, if he had +been doomed to life long insanity?" + +"Spare me the answer. I cannot give you one truthfully, without pain." + +"So much the better," he said. She did not understand him. A few +minutes later he left the room. + +He returned an hour after midnight, and insisted on relieving the +mother from her watch by the sickbed. She could not resist his +imperative manner, and only begged him to let her, and the nurse, +relieve him alternately. He promised to do so; and this time kept his +promise. In the morning when Lucille awoke, she found the nurse alone, +and heard that the doctor lay on a straw mattress in the tap-room to be +near at hand in case of need. + + + * * * * * + + +A week had passed since these events, and Everhard again sat in his +little room at the crazy table, and the candle cast the same dim +flickering light, as on that first occasion, only the moon shone so +brightly through the casement, that one could easily have dispensed +with any other light. Everhard had just perused the letter written on +that dark and gloomy night, and was now adding a postscript on the +blank page. + +"A week older, Charles; and yet a week younger! When I look at my face, +and compare it with the aged features which appear to me in these +pages, then I find that I have made the most retrograde movement, and +hare again arrived at an age, at which even you did not know me; at a +time when I never thought of death, though I touched it daily with my +dissecting knife; _then_ I had no more thought of it, than a child's +doctor has of catching the measles. I have now studied the morbid +symptoms in my letter, as coolly as I once did the strange countenance +of number So and so in the hospital. + +"You will be glad to hear that I have surmounted my last crisis, but I, +when I search my thoughts, can only deplore this. + +"Everything was ready for my departure, my trunks so nicely packed, the +last leave takings exchanged; I heard the shrill whistle of the +engine,--suddenly I am told that I have missed the train; and so I +remain, not at home, nor abroad, but sitting at the railway station in +a most provoking position. It seems ridiculous to have to stay and +unpack, after all these preparations for departure. How it all happened +I will tell you in a few words, lest you should think that cowardice +overcame me at the last moment, that I regretted to leave this life, +and persuaded myself that after all it was the best. No it was not that +which played me this trick, it was my old passion, my profession! I +found it of more importance to save a young life, than to despatch my +own, so prematurely old. The child in question was well worth the +trouble, that I can tell you. And as for the mother! don't fancy that I +have fallen in love; you would be mistaken. Or do you call love, the +feelings of a poor devil of a miner who after having been buried in a +coal-pit, is brought to life again and rejoices in the first breath of +fresh air. Do not be afraid that I shall give you a description of this +young woman's charms. Whether she be handsome, amiable--what is usually +so called; clever, or whether she possess all those qualities the +description of which generally fills columns, I know not. All I +know, is that in her presence, I forget my existence; the past, the +future--all I feel is that she is there beside me and that I would +desire nothing more to all eternity, than that she should remain so. Do +you recollect how strange it once seemed to us, that the same +passionate poet, from whose brain proceeded 'Werther' should have +expressed such tame feelings as these-- + + "'Gaze at the moon, + Or think of thee, + I fancy 'tis the same. + All in a holy light, I see, + And know not how it came.' + +"And now to my shame be it spoken, I experience the same feelings in +myself. This lunacy, as we jestingly called it, has taken such +possession of me, that my only desire at present is, that through all +the future years of my life, I might live as in one long night, +surrounded by the pale veiled halo which now calms my soul. + +"This is but a dream. Ere long I must insist on my little patient's +departure to more civilised regions, where she will be better provided +for during her convalescence, than she can be here, where chicken-broth +is the landlady's sole culinary achievement. Then I shall become +unnecessary, and can bid farewell to the Dead Lake, and once more try +to live in a world which after these events will seem doubly desolate +to me. Was I not right in deploring the departure of the train? By this +time I should have reached my destination. But why should not the +journey be only postponed for a fortnight; especially as the one I had +intended to take does in no wise depend on the weather, or the company. +I can tell you the reason, Charles; I know that you will not despise me +for it. My courage is gone! Is it so very despicable that I now dread +that gloomy depth, into which a week ago I was willing to plunge; now +that I have found a place of rest up here in the daylight? And though +in a few days I shall be again roaming about, like the wandering +unsettled savage I was, up to this last week, yet nothing can ever +efface from my heart the feeling that somewhere between heaven and +earth there is a corner where I could live in repose; where, like that +Matricide, in Sophocles, I had found a sanctuary from which, awed by +the holiness of the refuge even the furies keep aloof, and dare not +sully the threshold. + +"Unfortunately, it is perfectly clear to me that from her, I also must +keep aloof. This woman even if I ventured to offer her my unamiable +society for the remainder of hear life, could but politely decline. She +has made a vow to remain faithful to the memory of her dead husband. +What is a vow? Ought it to be a chain to bind and check our very +existence, after we have outgrown our former selves. In the course of +seven years the physical part of man is completely renewed, and is our +spiritual part, surrounded by new flesh and blood to remain the same, +because some misanthrope doubted his own power of revival. Have I not +also broken my vow never again to approach a sick-bed. And I even deem +this to be rather to my credit than my shame. But the vow of this woman +is raised far above the fickleness of human wishes and resolves. She +wishes me well; I could find no truer friend in need than she would +prove. She would make any sacrifice but this for me, who have saved her +child; but her whole existence, her heart, and soul are rivetted to the +memory of her own passed happiness, and to the future happiness of her +child--and for me, to whom the present alone is of importance.... I +have carefully avoided the question as to where she lives, in what +town, under what circumstances in what neighbourhood. I will part from +her without knowing anything of this, lest I should be tempted to seek +her, and endeavour to make the impossible possible. + +"A few days more of the happiness of this singular position--in this +solitary wilderness among the mountains, far from all the littlenesses +and miseries of the world, and as if we were in heaven, where there is +neither giving in marriage, nor parting--then come what may; what must! + +"In truth it is a strange and cruel remedy which fate has employed, +making a deep incision in my heart, in order to convince me how little +I was ripe for death; how much strength and feeling there was still in +me, how much I could yet endure! + +"Enough of this for to-day. We live here totally deprived of all postal +communication. When, and where, I shall close this letter and forward +it, the Gods only know, if indeed they concern themselves with our +correspondence. + + "Farewell!" + +He laid down the pen and listened. From the sick room, the child's soft +prattle was heard and though free from the restless and rambling tone +of fever, yet it was an unusually late hour for the child to be awake. +He also heard the soft voice of the mother calming it by a few soothing +words. When Everhard entered the room the child was already fast +asleep. + +"She has just been dreaming of you;" turning towards him with one of +her charming smiles; "she told me, she dreamt that you had given her a +white lamb, with a red ribbon round its neck, which took food from her +hand. She had possessed it for some time when it suddenly occurred to +her that she had not thanked you for it; so she begged me to call you +that she might repair this neglect." + +"And why did you not call me?" asked the doctor. + +"I told her that her uncle Everhard would never listen to any thanks. +That Mamma too had received a gift from him for which she never, never +could thank him sufficiently. The best way to thank him, was to be a +good child and go to sleep again. You should have seen how earnestly +the dear child tried, after this, to go to sleep. You see she is asleep +already and her forehead is moist. You have more influence, over her +than any other person has." + +He thoughtfully contemplated the childish face. + +"I regret that I am not a princess," Lucille continued with a slight +blush; "for then I could offer you a place at my court, and beg you to +accompany me on my travels in the capacity of Court Physician. I cannot +imagine what we shall do without you--at every cold little Fanny +catches, we shall miss you sadly. And yet I am content with my station +in life. A princess would perhaps presume that she could repay you for +your devotion to her child by offering you an establishment. I cannot +regret the feeling that I can never repay you for all your generosity." +She stretched out her hand to him, which he pressed, strangely moved, +to his lips. + +"Madame Lucille," he said, without continuing the subject, "it is now +eleven o'clock; it is my turn to watch, and you are relieved." + +"No," she answered gaily, I am not quite so obedient as our little Fan, +or rather, sleep does not so readily obey my call. You must allow me to +remain awake for another hour, and if you are not tired, you shall read +aloud to me. I have seen a volume of Goethe's works in your hands. I +admire him above all other poets, and wish to get more fully acquainted +with him, for I must confess to my shame, that on looking through your +volume the other day, I remarked that most of its contents were unknown +to me. + +"As you please," he said, "but most of its contents will remain for +ever new to you, were you to hear them ever so often. At least that is +my experience of them." + +He fetched the book, the first volume of the poems, and without +selecting any particular poem began at the first page. He lowered his +voice but read without any studied art of delivery. Never had he so +keenly and clearly felt the charm of the everlasting spring which +emanates from the blossoms of the poet's youthful ardour. + +He dared not look at her whilst he read fearing to meet the mute +enquiry in the eyes of the young woman; but when he came to "the +hunter's evening song," he with difficulty faltered out the words, + + 'Gaze at the moon, + Or think of thee, + I fancy 'tis the same. + All in a holy light, I see, + And know not how it came!' + +Suddenly he stopped, let the book glide on to the bed of the child, and +rose hastily. + +"What has happened?" she asked, startled. "Go and rest," he replied +with averted face. "Wake the nurse; she can take my watch for this +night. The atmosphere here oppresses me, I must breathe the fresh air, +I already feel better, since I have risen. I will go and take a row on +the lake." + +So saying he disappeared, leaving her with all her feelings in a state +of tumultuous disturbance at the enigma she dared not solve. + + + * * * * * + + +The next day at their early meeting, they succeeded in assuming the +gay and unconstrained tone which had hitherto existed between them. The +child assisted them in their efforts. The night had been quiet and +refreshing, and a bath which had been prepared for her, under +Everhard's superintendence; in an old washing tub of the landlady's had +greatly revived her, and had sent her off into another long sleep. +Towards evening the doctor brought home from his walk different kinds +of ferns, gentians, and also gaily coloured pebbles which he had found +near the rocks. He sat down by Fanny's bed-side, and told her all about +the birds, and other small animals which he had met in his wanderings +over the heights. He was pleased at the intelligent questions the child +put to him, as she sat up in bed and admired with wide opened eyes the +treasures he had laid on her coverlet. The mother sat beside them +working at a piece of embroidery. From the kitchen without was heard +the crackling of the fire on the hearth, over which the child's soup +was being prepared. Everhard did not relinquish his night watch this +time, but no more was said of reading aloud. Neither was there any +mention made of it during the following nights, and indeed no occasion +for it presented itself. The night watching had now become almost +unnecessary, so the doctor could, without further apprehension, remain +a good deal in his room. Even in the day-time, now that the child was +allowed to be up for several hours, he seldom appeared. But often under +pretext of fishing he would row over to the islet from whence he did +not return till late in the evening, or he would roam through the pine +woods and the ravine, and climb up to the ice cavern. + +The farm-servant who hearing that the lady wished for the last +strawberries of the season had climbed up there, to look for some, +reported on his return that he had met the doctor seated on a rock, and +looking like a man in a dream. He had bidden him good day, and the +doctor had started up, and with a silent nod of recognition, had +disappeared in the wood. He was evidently touched in the head, the +farm-servant continued; I always said so from the moment I saw him +sitting quite crazed like in the tap-room, and refusing all +refreshment. + +This continued during several days. In proportion to the progress of +the child's recovery did the doctor's melancholy, from which the sudden +call of duty had roused him, appear to increase. Those days were full +of gloom; he felt how necessary it was to abridge them. One forenoon he +started without waiting for dinner, not caring to meet the sad +inquiring look in Lucille's eyes. He climbed up the steep ravine with +the firm resolve to arrive at a final decision. In spite of the fierce +noon-day heat, he pursued a road which he had recently discovered, and +which led towards the south across the rocky ridge of the mountains. He +knew that if he continued his walk he would reach before night fall a +Romanic[2] village which was separated from the dead lake by nearly +impassable tracts of ice and snow. Once there, and he had achieved all +that now seemed impossible to him, all leave taking was spared him and +he was as one dead to those to whom he had now become useless. + +This seemed to him the best plan, and he relied on his strength of will +to carry it out. But when the last glimpse of the lake had disappeared +and he found himself surrounded only by the sterile wilderness of +rocks, he felt so wretched that he could not proceed, but flung himself +on the ground, in the shade of a projecting rock, and buried his face +amidst the moss and heather. He eagerly sought for all the reasons +which should prevent his departure, and make his return necessary, his +papers, his diary which he had left in his room; the anxiety his sudden +disappearance would cause Lucille. Then he reflected that he was in +duty bound to provide for their departure, and for their safe journey +to the next town. He made a solemn vow that all should be done that +very day. He would send down the farm-servant to order a carriage as +soon as he had returned to the inn. In twenty-four hours everything +would be accomplished, and the separation irrevocable. After that he +did not care what happened. When he had firmly settled this in his +mind, he felt relieved, and hastily arose to reach the inn without +further delay. He resolved to be cheerful and to enjoy the few hours +that remained to him of her society as if they were to last for ever. +He regretted having embittered many a day by the thought of the +approaching end. He plucked a bunch of scentless Alpine flowers and +ferns--it should be his farewell token to little Fanny. So thinking he +rapidly descended the steep mountain, and reached the last firs in the +ravine when the greatest heat of the day was over. Below him lay the +lake. Not the slightest breeze ruffled its calm surface which clearly +reflected the small meadow on the opposite shore; the firs on the steep +slope above it, and beyond these, the bare grey rocks and crags. Then +he looked towards the fisherman's house. His quick eye discerned every +shingle on its stone laden roof--in the yard, the old hen followed by +her yellow brood, and the linen hung out on ropes to dry. Those who +lived beneath that lowly roof were nowhere to be seen. Generally at +this time of the day, everyone dozed over some slight work, so Everhard +was much surprised when he saw the door of the house open, and a +perfect stranger step out into the bright sunshine. He was a tall young +man dressed in a light summer costume. His face was partly shaded by a +broad brimmed straw-hat, and only a fair moustache of a military cut +was visible underneath it. + +The newcomer stood still for a few minutes, looked around him as if to +examine the weather, and then eagerly talked through the open door to +some one who had not yet appeared. A few minutes later Lucille joined +him, without a hat, only holding a large parasol to protect her +delicate complexion from the sun. She accompanied the stranger to the +shed on the lake, and a moment after Everhard saw them both issue from +it, in one of the boats, and take the direction across the smooth lake +towards the islet. The stranger wielded the oars so dextrously that +they soon reached their destination. Then leaping on shore he assisted +Lucille to get out. They walked along the shore wending their way +between the birches and the high bulrushes, apparently with the +intention of making, the circuit of the small island. Everhard's heart +throbbed so wildly that he had to lean against the stem of a fir-tree +till the first giddiness had passed. + +Who was the new comer who seemed so intimate with her, that she +followed him on his boating excursions, and thus granted him what she +had ever refused to Everhard her friend and helper? Who was this +stranger that she leant on his arm, and while walking by his side, and +gaily conversing with him seemed even to forget her child, and +abandoned it to the care of the nurse? Well whoever it was, he had +arrived just in time to wake them all out of the dream into which the +solitary stillness of the place had lulled them. + +Doubtless the sight of this old acquaintance brought back to Lucille's +remembrance all that she had forgotten at the bed-side of her child; +her intercourse with the outer world; her friends, and admirers, +recollections to which Everhard would ever remain a stranger, and which +summoned her back to a life in which he could have no share. So much +the better! It could but facilitate the execution of his resolves, and +confirm the urgency of a separation. + +He felt it was impossible to share her presence with a third. He strode +down the precipitous path, and reached the house greatly exhausted, and +his knees knocking under him. He remarked a travelling carriage which +stood beside the shed, and in the stables in which a cow was kept +during the winter, two horses were tied to the manger. Without heeding +the landlady who was dying to tell him the news, he walked straight +into the room where the child sat at the table playing with a new doll. + +"Uncle Max is here," she cried out to him, her face beaming with joy. +"He has brought me a doll that can move its eyes; then he dined with +Mamma, and now they are both on the island. They will soon return +however, as Uncle Max means to take us away in his large travelling +carriage, but Mamma said that she would not move a step without your +special consent." + +"Fanny," he said, and took the child's curly head between his hands, +"you won't forget me, though I cannot offer you a beautiful doll, but +only a simple bunch of flowers?" + +The child locked up surprised; "Mamma said that after the good God, I +should love you best, because you have saved my life. I love you better +than all other people; but Mamma I love best of all." + +He stooped over the fair face, and kissed the child's truthful loving +eyes, and her pale lips. + +"You are right, little Fan," said he, speaking with difficulty, "she +deserves your love. Here is my bouquet, and give her my compliments." +He turned towards the door. + +"What are you going away! the child called after him; won't you come, +and tell me some nice story." + +"Another time," was all he could say. The nurse who just then came in, +tried to detain him, and wondered at his disturbed appearance, but he +passed her by, and hastening to his own room locked the door behind +him. + +Once more alone, he was so overcome by the agony of his feelings that +he dropped into a chair and his strong frame shook with convulsive +though tearless sobs. But he promptly recovered himself, pressed his +hand to his heart as if to still its throbbings and proceeded to stuff +his few possessions into his travelling bag. Only his portfolio he kept +back; then he sat down at the table, and mechanically took out the +letter to his friend as if to add another postscript, but he vainly +sought for words and he finally laid it down, took up another sheet and +began to write a short account of the child's illness, with the +intention of leaving it to Lucille in case she should find another +consultation necessary. + +He found a certain satisfaction in clearly wording his statement, and +in perceiving how steadily his hand wielded the pen. "At least I have +not yet lost my senses," he said aloud. + +He had just finished this writing when a man's quick step was heard +approaching his room, and then came a knock at the door. He rose with +an angry feeling. He could not deny his presence, and yet this meeting +was intensely distasteful to him. He unlocked the door with a +countenance which was anything but inviting. The moustachied stranger +however entered with the most amiable air. Apparently he did not expect +a very gracious reception, but seemed fully determined not to let +himself be put out by anything. + +"My dear doctor," he exclaimed in an engaging manner, and with a +friendly shake of the hand. "Pray excuse my intruding on you; Lucille +has told me that you refuse to listen to any thanks, but I am not to be +daunted; I am a soldier and would think it dishonourable to be afraid +of anything; even of the glum face of a benefactor; and so I boldly +express my thanks, at the risk of being challenged by you afterwards, +and tell you that I shall always feel indebted to you, and that you can +command my services at any time as you would those of your oldest +friend.--You have worked wonders, you best of doctors! Not only with +the little one, whose welfare I have at heart as though it were my own +child, but above all with the mother--I can assure you that I hardly +recognized her. From the time when her husband my dear brother was +buried with his comrades in one common grave on the field of battle, +her widowed grief, up to a few weeks ago, had always remained the same. +All the efforts of her friends to restore her to her former +cheerfulness were vain. Seven years! In truth, I should say that the +most legitimate grief might be overcome in that time. Between +ourselves, be it said, though I sincerely loved my brother, yet I have +found these seven years unconscionably long. Lucille was my lady love +as well as my brother's, but then I was only a good for nothing +lieutenant, and so I had to yield the precedence to my brother Victor. +Now it seems to me that I have every right to assert my claim +considering that it is of such long standing. Don't you think so, +doctor? But in spite of my perseverance through all these years, not +the slightest ray of hope was ever granted to me. I wished to accompany +her on this visit to the grave; but no, my request was mercilessly +refused. Wait till she has returned, I said to myself; who knows but +this visit may be the last stage of her conjugal grief. So I waited for +her return, or at least for a letter, but when three weeks had passed +without any tidings of her, fearing that some misfortune had happened, +I took leave of absence from my regiment, and traced her steps till I +found her here at the Dead Lake; not the cold and reserved Lucille of +old, but a totally changed being. The gratitude she feels for the +preservation of her child, seems to have reconciled her to life, and +consequently it will be to you alone that I shall owe my thanks, should +I one day be allowed to give her a far dearer name than that of sister. +She owns that it is you who have broken the ice, and talks of you with +so much enthusiasm that if I did not know that it overflowed from the +abundant thankfulness of her maternal heart, I should feel jealous of +you." + +A short silence followed this artless avowal, during which the young +officer paced the room; then walked to the casement, and rapped his +fingers against the low ceiling. + +"Well," he exclaimed, with his good-humoured laugh, "you doctors are +certainly not more fastidious than we soldiers! How did you manage to +hold out in this dismal hole? We will now try to make you as +comfortable as possible, for of course you are coming with us. Lucille +would never reconcile herself to the thought of losing her court +physician." + +"I much regret," answered Everhard in a calm voice, "that Madam Lucille +is mistaken in this case. The child can travel without the least +danger; it is even necessary that she should leave this place, where +the food is not adapted to her delicate state of health. I had +determined to order a travelling carriage for tomorrow, when I +perceived your carriage. I could not place the ladies under better +protection than yours, so you must pardon me if I leave you to-day." + +"Impossible!" cried the young officer in a tone of the most sincere +dismay. "What a desperate clamour the women would set up at your +leaving us so suddenly. Lucille, little Fan, even the nurse would cling +to your coat tails; I should have to arrest you by barring the way with +my sword." + +"Possibly they may augment the difficulties of this inevitable and +necessary step," remarked the doctor with a grave face, "so the best +plan will be, not to mention my resolve and at nightfall I can easily +depart without any leave taking. Here is a report of the child's +illness, take the paper with you, but I trust it will not be required. +If you go only short day's journies, the drive at this season will +probably be beneficial to the health of the little patient. And so +permit me to bid you good-bye. I beg you to present my compliments to +your sister-in-law." + +"Doctor, this cannot be your final decision; I hope you will yet change +your mind; meanwhile I will take this statement and leave you, for I +fear I have disturbed you whilst writing. Au revoir." + +"Do not betray me." Everhard called after him. The young officer put +his finger to his lips, and hastened through the tap-room whistling a +merry tune. + +Everhard had hardly been alone for ten minutes pacing his room like a +prisoner who is meditating how he can escape from his bare and narrow +cell, when he suddenly heard the outer door again open, and a step, +which sent the blood to his heart, approach his room. + +"Is my cup of bitterness not yet full," he murmured to himself. + +The door opened and Lucille stood before him with an expression in her +eyes which utterly disconcerted him and forced him to cast his down. + +"Pardon me my friend," she said in an agitated voice, "if once more I +intrude on your solitude, though you so evidently avoid me. You even +intend to leave us without a word of farewell. My brother-in-law did +not admit this; but I was aware of it from his manner when he left your +room, and as I have long suspected this to be your intention, I was not +much astonished, though greatly grieved. I owe you so much that it +would be useless again to repeat my thanks before we part; but it is +not generous in you to deprive me of all opportunity of rendering you +any service, or of showing you the deep interest I feel in you. I am +persuaded that my friendship is not incapable of giving you relief if +you would but return the confidence with which I have always treated +you from the first hour we met. A secret grief consumes you. What would +I not give to be able to aid you in bearing the load which oppresses +you! Now could I leave you, perhaps never to meet you again, and have +to reproach myself with the thought, that although knowing, that you, +dearest and most devoted of friends, were suffering deeply, I yet +allowed a miserable fear of appearing curious and importunate to deter +me from making any attempt to assuage those sufferings or to learn +their cause!" + +"No," she continued with heightened colour, "I know that you are not +selfish enough to burden me with this unbearable grief and remorse, +only because it humbles your pride to acknowledge your sufferings to a +woman." + +He did not once interrupt her, but stood with his eyes fixed on the +ground. When she had ceased speaking, he made an effort to answer her +but he did not look up. "Thank you," he said, "I know that your +questions proceed from the kindness and benevolence of your heart; and +be assured that if the weight which oppresses me could be lightened by +human means, I would apply to you for help--I was enabled to come to +your aid, why therefore should I not accept succour from you? But there +are certain circumstances in life which cannot be altered, and in such +cases, I think it is foolish weakness, and even culpable to give vent +to useless complaints, and to importune one's friends with them. Let us +part. When the health of your child is completely restored to its +former bloom, the sad impressions connected with the remembrance of the +Dead Lake will vanish from your mind, and with them the image of a man +who"---- + +Feeling that emotion was overpowering him, he suddenly stopped, and +walked to the window to regain his composure. When after a moment he +again turned towards Lucille, he saw her leaning against the door post, +pale as death and with the same pained expression on her countenance +that he had noticed the first day of her arrival. + +"Good heavens, what ails you?" exclaimed he; "Know then, if you cannot +bear the feeling of being indebted to me, that we are quits. If I have +succeeded in saving the life of your child, you have fully acquitted +this debt by preserving my own life." + +She looked up with surprise. + +"Yes," he continued; "on that very table, on the night I first met you, +I wrote a farewell letter to life. The letter still lies there, so you +see that I have changed my resolution. I do not say that I feel +grateful to you for it. Possibly non-existence has its dark side too, +but it cannot be worse than remaining between life and death neither +suited to the one, nor prepared for the other--enough of this! Is it +your fault if the life which you saved was not worth the trouble? Do +not let us prolong so painful a meeting. Our paths now diverge--You +return to your home, I----go where fate leads me. I am driven on by my +destiny like a stone which a boy rolls before him. I thank you for the +happy days I have spent in this wilderness; they have been the first, +for a long time, in which I felt that I lived. It is a pity that they +must pass away like every thing else in this perishable world." + +"And why must they pass, away?" she asked looking up with anxious and +imploring eyes. "Why will you not accompany us?" + +"Why? because"--he suddenly stopped. His eyes whilst wandering round +the room had fastened on the letter to his friend which lay on the +table, beside the travelling bag. A sudden thought flashed through +his mind. "You wish to test the value I set on your friendship, and +that it is not pride which prevents me from availing myself of your +kindness; well then take this letter, but promise not to read it before +to-morrow. Will you promise this?" + +She only bowed without looking at him. + +"This letter contains every explanation which I could not bring myself +to utter. When you have read it, you will understand that I can no +longer remain here, and that you ought not to detain me. And now give +me your hand once more. Let me also thank you again for the happiness +of knowing you! He pressed her hand to his lips with much emotion. +Embrace your child to-morrow when you have read the letter, and +then--but I need not ask you for this; then in spite of all, think +kindly of me. I know that you will do so, have you not the heart and +soul of an angel!" + +He hastened from the room and passed through the empty passage. He +heard Fanny's voice in the sitting-room. She talked with the nurse and +mentioned his name. This accelerated his steps. He had just presence of +mind enough left him to throw a handful of money to the landlady, and +to bid her good-bye, then he followed the cart track which led into the +valley, and hastily turned round the first corner without looking back. +After he had walked for a quarter of an hour unconscious of all around +him, only blindly driven on by the dim feeling that if he once looked +back his strength would fail him; it suddenly occurred to him that he +was walking northward in the direction of Germany, instead of turning +towards the lakes of Lombardy as he had at first intended. "What does +it matter," he said to himself; "what is home to me, am I not +everywhere a stranger?" He descended to the bed of the mountain stream +which flowed by the roadside. There he rested for a while, bathed his +feverish brow with the cold water, and listened to its gurgle as it +flowed over the pebbly bed. The sound reminded him of Fanny's clear +voice when she laughed for the first time after her illness. This +recollection so overpowered him that the tears streamed from his eyes, +and he let his grief take its course without trying to check it. + +A cart which passed him in its slow progress up the hill, roused him +from his painful thoughts. It occurred to him, that the carter would +stop at the inn and there probably see Lucille and her child. That +happiness would never be his again! However he remained firm to his +resolve, and wandered on till he felt, in his trembling knees and +exhausted frame, how deeply the last few hours had affected him. + +He had now reached a more expanded part of the valley; he sat down +beside a small shed which had formerly served as shelter to the workmen +of a quarry. His head sank on his chest, and he was soon absorbed in +gloomy thoughts and reveries. + +An hour passed and found him still sitting there half stupified; +neither feeling pain nor wishing for any thing. He only heard the +rushing of the water and stared vacantly at the stones and mosses at +his feet. Suddenly he started up, the tread of horses was heard, and +the grating sound of the heavy drag as a carriage proceeded slowly down +the hill. A secret presentiment thrilled through him, he looked up with +a feeling of terror, and to his dismay recognized the carriage of the +young officer. + +On the box beside the coachman was seated the nurse, her fat +good-humoured face shaded by a large straw hat and a blue veil, though +the sun had now sunk low, and only a few slanting rays reached the deep +glen. His first thought was to spring up, and fly before them. But even +if he could have got in advance of them here on this steep road, once +in the plain they would speedily overtake him; so he had no chance of +escaping. He stealthily rose and approached the door of the hut. "They +have not yet seen me," he murmured; "they will drive past, and then +this last pain will have been overcome; but why could they not have +spared me this?" + +He entered the shed half ashamed of slinking away, and hiding like an +outlaw. + +Through all those days of inward strife he had never felt so thoroughly +wretched and unhappy as he did at that moment. Now when his last +strength was exhausted, he had to witness the triumphant progress of +one to whom he bitterly grudged the prize that was denied him. + +Cautiously he pressed against the wooden partition of the hut he could +not refrain from looking through the small aperture which stood in lieu +of a window, and once more gaze on those dear faces. + +They were now so close to him that he could examine the inside of the +carriage. On the further side lay the child asleep, wrapped up in +blankets, and cloaks. Lucille sat beside her, and held her hand, but +her eyes searchingly scanned the road. Where was her young protector? +"He will follow on foot," thought Everhard. "Thank heaven they have +passed; now all is over!" + +Suddenly the carriage stopped. The coachman jumped off his seat, and +opened the door. Lucille hastily descended and walked towards the hut. +A few moments later and she stood with a bright flush on her check +before the bewildered young man. + +"You see that all your resistance is vain may dear friend," she said in +a trembling voice. "You wished to escape, but we follow you; we +discover your hiding-place, and now hold you fast in spite of your +resistance. We cannot do without you, you must.... + +"For heaven' sake," he cried, greatly agitated, "what has happened. Has +the child had another attack?" + +"Our child sleeps," said the charming woman, and her voice sank low; +"but still we want you my dear friend. This time ... this time, it is +the mother who entrusts her life to you." + +"Lucille!" he exclaimed, well-night distracted, and seizing the hand +which she offered him, drew her into the hut. "Can I?--may I +hope?--Will you indeed ..." + +"I must ask you to pardon me," she replied blushing still more deeply: +"I could not wait till to-morrow, but read your letter the moment you +were gone. Then, I may as well confess all,--I had to sustain a severe +conflict within me, but I soon felt that I never could again arrive at +a clear understanding of my own heart, if I let you depart. You have +broken your vow, and have resolved to bear life for my sake, I can only +return this by surrendering myself to you. He to whom I pledged my +faith, never had another wish during his life than to see me happy. I +am convinced that if I could now explain to him how all this has +happened, he would release me from my word. When I had clearly +perceived this, I could find no rest. I have confided everything to my +brother-in-law. He has remained behind with a heavy heart; but he told +me to shake hands with you in his name. 'If he can make you happy +Lucille,' these were his last words, 'I will try not to hate him.' Will +you make the trial my dear friend?" + +Unable to contain himself any longer he fell on his knees at her feet, +clung to her hands, and buried his face in the folds of her dress. He +could not utter a word except her name, which he stammered out +repeatedly in faltering accents. + +"How is this?" she whispered. "Overcome this emotion, and be a man. You +ought to be my support; I must look up to you. Have I not done so, +during all these days?" + +He rose slowly. "Pardon me darling," he said, pressing her to his +heart, and ratifying on her lips a mute vow. "My knees could no longer +support me. This day has brought me too much misery and bliss. Now I am +strong again, now my heart can once more sustain hope and happiness. +Let us walk to the carriage, I am impatient to embrace our child." + + + + + + DOOMED. + + + + + + DOOMED. + + + Meran, 5th October 1860. + +A week has passed since my arrival and I have not written a line! I was +too much exhausted and agitated by the long journey. When I sat down to +write, gazing on the white blank pages, it seemed to me as if I were +looking into a camera obscura. All the scenes which had greeted me on +my journey appeared so clearly and vividly before me and chased each +other as in a feverish dream till my eyes filled with tears. + +More than once during the journey I had felt the tears ready to start, +but I was not alone, and I had no desire to be pitied, and questioned +by the strangers who occupied the carriage with me. + +Here it is different--I am alone and free. Already I have learnt by +experience that solitude only can bring freedom. Why am I, even now, +ashamed to weep? have I not a full right to do so? Is it not sad that +my first glimpse of the beauties of this world should also be my last? + +Truly it were better that I closed this book, and left the blank pages +as they are. With what can I fill them but with useless complaints. I +had imagined that it would be pleasant and consoling to write down +every thought that crossed my mind, every event in this my last winter. +I wished to bequeath this book to my dear brother, my little Ernest, +who is as yet too young to understand life and death; but some day or +other he would prize it, when, asking about his sister, he found no one +to answer him. Now, however, I see it was a foolish thought. How could +I wish to live in the memory of those dear to me, in the image of my +last illness. Better that he should forget me, than have impressed on +his mind these pale features which frighten even me when I look at them +in the mirror. + + + Evening.-- + --The atmosphere heavy and lowering.-- + +For several hours I have been sitting at the open casement. From thence +one can overlook the beautiful country of the Adige. And far beyond the +walls of the town and the wide-spreading[3] poplars which border the +stone-dike beside the rushing Passer, the view extends over the lower +pasture-lands, intersected with a hundred rivulets, where the cattle +feed, to the distant chain of mountains which bounds the horizon. The +air was so still that I could hear the voices of the promenaders on the +_Wassermauer_[4]--or was it a fancy of mine? + +The children of my landlord, a tailor, peeped in curiously through the +door till I at last gave them the remainder of the chocolate in my +travelling bag. How joyfully they ran down with it to their mother! +Soon I became more calm and cheerful. I found that I had been wrong in +dreading my own soliloquies. Why, even considering these leaves as a +legacy, should they only contain sorrow? Did I not leave home, where I +was tied down by a hundred fetters with the full determination for +once, to enjoy life and liberty? And shall I now bear witness against +myself that I am unworthy of that freedom? + +Certainly it will be but a brief enjoyment, but all the more firmly +will I grasp it and not embitter it by weakness and absorbing +self-pity. + +The landlady told me that this morning a burgher of Meran, who had +never suffered from illness in his life, had died suddenly in his +prime. They had all expected that he would attain to a good old age, +and, probably, he had thought so himself. Comparing my fate with his, +is not mine preferable? Probably, like the generality of men, he had +spent his days in toil and labour, looking forward to a time when +having earned a sufficiency, he would be able to rest, and enjoy the +remainder of his life. His end was unexpected, whilst I know mine. And +is not this difference all in my favour? Is not spring yet distant, and +should I so fully enjoy this reprieve, were its short duration +concealed from me? Oh, truly it is a blessing not to be overtaken, and +surprised by death; to watch his slow approach, and only then, face to +face with him, learn to live. I can never sufficiently express my +thanks to our doctor, my dear fatherly friend, for not keeping the +truth from me--thus has he fully redeemed the promise he gave to my +dying mother, always to stand by me as a friend. + +The night has now set in. I can hardly see what I write. In my whole +life, I have never felt so thoroughly at peace as here, in this +beautiful forecourt to the grave.--Father! that I could but waft one +breath of it to your depressed and sorrowful soul. Good night! Good +night, my little Ernest. Who has put you to bed to-night? Who shall now +tell you fairy tales to send you to sleep? + + + The 6th Afternoon. + +To-day as Frau Meisterin brought up my dinner, she eagerly tried to +persuade me to take a walk and not to sit so much at home. It was so +fine on the Wassermauer. So many people were to be seen there; she was +sure it would divert me. I could not make her understand that all I +wished was to collect my thoughts, and not to divert them; and that I +did not feel the slightest desire for the company of strangers. At +last, I convinced her by declaring that I was still so weak and so +tired with the journey that the two steep stairs were as yet too much +for me. Then she left me, and I continued to write. + +I have been obliged to put aside my embroidery; it now hurts my chest. +I had even to send away my landlord's little girls to whom I had +intended to give sewing-lessons. + +To-day a doubt weighs on my mind. It seized me suddenly for the first +time on waking this morning, and came upon me with great force and +persistence. I want to solve it now. Strange, that it should not have +struck me sooner. I was so fully convinced that I was doing right! I +knew that no one would miss me at home, that my father felt pained at +every unkind look my step-mother gave me, that I could no longer be of +use even to Ernest, since my step-mother had insisted, in spite of his +tender age, on sending him to school, only to avoid seeing him, and +having to take care of him. + +My father shed tears when he clasped me for the last time in his arms; +still my departure relieved him. He wished what is best for me, but +what can he do? + +This morning, however, the question suddenly occurred to me, whether I +had not left other duties; whether any human being, not utterly +disabled, has a right to sit down idly or go holiday making for a whole +winter. Only since I have felt happy; since the littlenesses of the +empty commonplace provincial life have ceased to oppress me, have I +begun to question myself as to what right I had to enjoyment, more than +all those thousands to whom death is not more distant, than it is to +me, and who are forced to strive and wrestle to their last breath, and +here am I closing a truce with the enemy, and celebrating a festival as +if I had been victorious.-- + + + 7th October. + +That question for which my poor head could find no answer, I have +solved to-day when I came home as shattered from my first walk as if I +had laboured for a day in chains. No, I am fit for nothing but rest, +and if it taste sweeter to me than to many, that cannot be a cause for +self-reproach. Am I not more easily contented than others? If I am of +no use, am I a burden to any one? Even if I did not avail myself of the +small inheritance left me by my mother, but kept it intact for my +brother Ernest, would it exempt him from the necessity of supporting +himself by his own exertions? Part of it will probably remain for him, +for as I experienced to-day, my strength is already scantier than I had +imagined. Who can tell how short my winter in the South may be? I shall +not frequent the walk under the poplars. To-day I felt uneasy among +those poor, coughing, dressed up people, who tottered about with their +baskets full of grapes, and seemed eagerly to imbibe new hope with each +berry. By those whose faces expressed hopelessness, I felt still less +attracted. It may sometimes be soothing to frequent the society of +fellow-sufferers; but when the same fate creates totally different +feelings, then that which could otherwise unite only separates, and one +feels all the more forcibly the difference of character. Not to one of +them, would I have ventured to speak of the peaceful and grateful mood +I enjoyed. They would either have looked upon me as an eccentric +enthusiast, or thought me a hypocrite. + +Can they be blamed for it? Possibly I too might have feared death had I +loved life more. And why was my life so little loveable? + +Only a few can understand the deep feeling of immensity, and peace with +which nature fills my soul. For two and twenty years I never set foot +beyond the walls of a small uninteresting commonplace town. In these +days people travel much. But for the long illness of my mother, and +after her death, the care of my little brother, I too would probably +have wandered forth from that desolate little place. This beautiful +valley already seems to me like the world to come, like a true Garden +of God. The first time I inhaled this air, I felt as if I already +glided over the earth, borne on the wings of my soul. It was certainly +a pity that they did not support me better as I toiled up the steep +narrow stairs, but what business had I to descend them, when every +glance through my windows is an excursion into Paradise. + +The people with whom I lodge are very poor. The man works till late at +night, and his wife has enough to do, attending to the wants of her +large family. The inside of the house looks dusky and gloomy. When the +porter of the hotel who from the simplicity of my dress inferred great +meagreness of purse, first took me through the long dark passages, and +the gloomy courts, and we scrambled up the delapidated staircase, over +the landing where dusty furniture, old spinning-wheels, beds, earthen +ware and provisions of maize lay in confused heaps, and the spiders, +undisturbed for many years, spun their webs, I felt oppressed and my +heart beat so that I had to rest at every third step. But the first +glance at my small low room reconciled me quickly to the thought +that this was to be my last earthly habitation. That old fashioned +writing-table with the brass mountings looks like the twin-brother of +the one which stood in my dear mother's room. That arm-chair is just as +high and heavy, and as brown with age, as the one she used. A few bad +prints on the wall, which disturbed me, I immediately took down, and +hung up the portraits of my parents instead. It now seems to me as if I +had been at home here for years. In one of the comers on a black wooden +console stands a crucifix which though I have not been brought up to +it, causes me deep reflection. I have received all my books. My father +sent them after me and now I want nothing more. At the same time he +wrote me just such a letter as I expected from him. That trait of +conforming oneself to what is unalterable without further struggle, I +have inherited from him. Six lines from Ernest to tell me that he is +very happy at school with his little comrades, and a greeting from my +stepmother; at least, the letter contains one, but probably my father +has added it without asking. Now I will write home. How much more +freely could I do so, if I knew that my letters reached my father's +hands only. + + + The 10th--Evening. + +What strange people one meets with! An hour ago I was sitting, quite +unsuspicious of any interruption, at my window reading, and enjoying +the mild evening breeze--the sun now sets at five o'clock behind the +Marlinger mountain, yet the air retains the mildness of a summer +evening, and the tips of the high mountains to the East, a ruddy glow, +for many hours longer--when there came a knock at the door, and a short +stout lady, quite unknown to me, entered coolly, and introduced herself +to me, expressing a most cordial desire to make my acquaintance. She +had seen me on the Wassermauer the only time I had walked there, and +had immediately taken a great interest in me, for I was evidently very +ill and very lonely, and she had resolved to speak to me the next time +we met, hoping to be of some use to me. + +"For you must know, my dear child, that I, as I stand before you, am +fifty-nine years old, and have not been ill for one day, except during +my confinements. My two sons, and three daughters are also, thank +heaven, perfectly healthy, and are all of them married and settled in +life. But you see I have always had a passion from my earliest youth +for helping those people who were not so well off as I am, for nursing +the sick, and for rendering the last offices to the dying. My late +husband used to call me the privileged life preserver; you cannot +imagine a better nurse than I am, for you see I am of a generation when +professional ones were as yet unknown. I can easily do without sleep, +and can even assist at any operation without the least show of +weakness. I have come here with a friend of mine who cannot last much +longer. When the poor thing is released from her sufferings, I shall +have more time at my disposal than now; she has always to entreat me to +leave her and take some exercise--and so my dear child if you want +support, advice, or help, apply to no one but me; you must solemnly +promise me this. Of course I will no longer allow you to spend your +days all alone. I will often come to see you. I never stand on ceremony +with my friends, and so you must take it kindly if I tyrannize over +you--it will be all for your good. I understand nervous complaints as +well as the best of doctors--amusements, air, excitement, are the +remedies I prescribe. _A propos_, which doctor have you consulted +here?" I answered that I had not applied to any, neither intended to do +so as I knew that my malady was incurable. She shook her head +incredulously, so I took from my portfolio a sheet of paper on which +our doctor had drawn a sort of representation, to shew how far the +disease in my lungs had spread. She examined it with experienced eyes. + +"My dear child," she at last said, "this is all nonsense, the doctors +are all the same, the more they talk, the less they know. I could lay +any wager that your interior has a totally different aspect from this." +I told her that she had every prospect of being able to ascertain this, +but that I declined the wager, as unfortunately I could not win it +whilst alive. She only partly listened to what I said, and she +continued in so loud a voice that it pierced to my very marrow, to give +me an account of different illnesses which tended to shew how little +doctors were to be relied on, accompanying it with so many details, +that it would have made me sick, if I had not had courage and presence +of mind enough to cry for mercy. At length she rose, and in taking +leave she made a movement as if to embrace me, and was evidently +surprised when I coldly and stiffly gave her my finger tips. She +rustled out of the room in great haste, and with many promises to +return soon. I had to sit for half an hour with closed eyes to calm my +nerves. A sharp odour of acetic ether which surrounded her and which +she strongly recommended to me as a powerful neurotic, is still +prevalent in the room, and those sharp peering eyes, and the determined +expression of philanthropy in her broad face still haunt me. Only the +thought, that for some days at least, I was safe from another invasion, +gave me some consolation. But my former _tete-a-tete_ with destiny; +that which gave a peculiar charm to this place are now lost to me, +unless I speak to her yet more intelligibly; and that, even in a case +of self-defence, would be most painful to me. + +And is this human sympathy! The few who love us pain us by it, because +we see that they suffer with us--and those who do not love us--can they +please us? "Only beggars know, what beggars feel" I once read in +Lessing. But can beggars give alms?-- + + + The next Morning. + +I have had a restless night. I am so little in the habit of speaking, +and being spoken to that the shrill voice of the charitable lady still +resounds in my ears. In my dreams I had a fierce quarrel with her, till +at last she took off her fair front and threw it in my face--I woke up +with a shudder and bathed in perspiration. What rude things I had said +to her, among others that I would bequeath to her my lungs, preserved +in spirits of wine. How exceedingly impolite we are in our dreams! + +I dressed myself hastily, but even now I am in terror of another +invasion--my humble little corner, where I had hoped to die +peacefully--this too has been disturbed. Even here I cannot find quiet! +I really must go out and try to find some safer hiding-place. + + + In the Afternoon. + +To-day I have met with great events and have boldly surmounted +them--first a high mountain then an adventure with a savage--finally I +have revelled in nature, and solitude to intoxication. And although I +am so tired that I have to summon all my energy every time. I raise my +hand to dip my pen in the ink, yet I have renewed my inward strength, +and have got over the effect of last night's encounter. Now I could +boldly confront a whole company of coffee drinking sisters with false +fronts. + +How beautiful is my burial place, how marvellous the light that streams +on it. I fancied that I had already remarked the magical effects of +this light, but find that only to-day the scales have really dropped +from my eyes. Seriously I believe that what we in the north call +_sunshine_ is only an imitation of it, a cheap mixture of light and +air, a sort of gilded bronze in comparison with the real solid +priceless gold which is lavished here. + +I moved slowly up the cool and gloomy Laubengasse[5] where a shiver +always seizes me and a peculiar oppression stops my breath. Then I +reached the small Platz with the fine old church. The Platz appeared +all black and red with the costumes of the peasants of the +neighbourhood, and of the valley of the Passer. Their trim holiday +dress consists of a short dark jacket with red facings, red waistcoats, +and broad brimmed hats. Most of the people are fine-looking and +stately, the men however, much handsomer than the women. Of the latter, +I have only remarked since I came, two pretty faces with regular +features. + +As it was a peasant's holiday, they stood about in dense groups and +none of them took the least notice of the suffering stranger who glided +past their clumsy elbows. Over the whole Platz hung a thick cloud of +acrid tobacco smoke, which gave me a fit of coughing, so I preferred to +go round the church rather than endeavour to push my way through the +uncivil crowd. + +In the buttresses of the church, old tomb stones were immured. On one +of them I read an inscription so full of meek resignation that I was +greatly touched by it. One, Ludovica, was buried underneath it in the +year 1836. I will write down the inscription, I learnt it by heart: + + "Separate they lived, and lonely, + Father, mother, and only child + Till death had them together bound. + In blessedness themselves they found, + For aye and ever now united. + So the early fading of the rose, + Is to be envied; it is repose." + +The quiet and fervent tone of these verses accompanied me for many +hours. I walked pensively along the narrow streets up to an old gateway +which leads through a weather-beaten tower, scarred with French +bullets, into the valley of the Passeier. The view which from thence +suddenly opened before me filled me with awe, by its strangeness, +beauty, and grandeur. I sat down for half an hour on a large stone +beside the gateway, from whence a steep path leads to the Kuechelberg, +and up to an old tower, formerly a powder-magazine, which now +peacefully keeps watch over the vineyards like a pensioned veteran. + +Just before me on a rock which projects from the Kuechelberg, I +perceived the ruins of Zenoburg, and considered whether my strength +would carry me thus far on the broad and uncared for road, or if I +should content myself with crossing the stone bridge from whence I +could see the cheerful village of Obermais. A woman approached me with +a basket of grapes and peaches on her head. I bought some fruit and +after eating it felt invigorated. So I set off, pausing at every step +to look down on the Passer whose water now dark blue, now flaked with +white foam, flowed through the arch of the bridge. How boldly yet +lightly the vines hang from the rugged rocks on the banks of the river; +among them grows the wild fig-tree covered with purple fruit. Running +water conducted in canals refreshes the leaves, and now and then turns +a wheel. Large chesnut-trees rise from the depths. Everywhere luxuriant +growth and rejoicing nature meets the eye. Mine rested with especial +pleasure on the varied colouring of the rocks; here of a warm brownish +tint, there of a silvery grey. How picturesque those peasants, in their +bright costumes look, coming down from the Kuechelberg, and that cart or +rather two wheeled sledge, drawn by strong whitish grey oxen, and laden +with vine-leaves, descending the Zenoburg. And above all a sky the +colour of which, I had held till now, to be a fiction of poets, and +painters. While I so walked on and wondered, I said to myself this is +all mine this is my joy and no one can take it from me. Could it be +more mine if instead of, for one moment, I had looked on it for +centuries? Who can say if the best part of every pleasure does not +consist in its transientness; how otherwise could the happy ever grow +tired of their bliss.... + +I had probably walked on too fast while thinking of all this, so that +when I reached the top of the hill, I had to rest on a bench which +stood before a pretty house. My eyes closed in involuntary slumber. All +was still around me, only the Meran church bells which deafened me +below sounded softly up here and lulled me to sleep. How pleasantly we +dream in the mid-day sunshine, when the light penetrates our closed +eyelids, and blends in our fancy with the marvellous colours and rays +which have nothing tangible or earthly in them. Sitting quite still for +some time, I probably went to sleep, but suddenly I started up as I +felt something cold and moist touch my hand; it was nothing worse than +the nose of a large dog, who standing beside his master, watched me +curiously. But the appearance of the latter was so horrible, that I +would willingly have believed it to be a dream, to be got rid of by +speaking and moving. It was a tall bearded man whose age I could not +define. His hair hung over his forehead, he wore a heavy and enormous +hat, covered by a wilderness of cock's feathers, fox tails, and strange +furs, casting a fierce shade over his eyes, which however as I remarked +afterwards, had a most innocent and harmless expression. Probably I +plainly showed my terror, for the mysterious apparition, which seemed +to have risen from one of the old tombs of the Zenoburg, laughed +good-naturedly, holding a very small pipe between his even white teeth, +he told me not to be frightened. He was only a Saltner, who watched the +vineyards, and as I had entered his district he requested a penny for +tobacco. In my consternation, I gave him half a florin in silver, and +hastily turned away, as I did not feel quite secure in the close +proximity of his bright spear. But the piece of silver which is scarce +here, or perhaps a holiday humour made the giant quite tame and +officious. He walked without ceremony by my side, and noticing that I +climbed with difficulty, he energetically supported my arm with his +great paw. I had to put a good face on the matter, and indeed; ended by +being thankful for his help, as I could hardly have managed to ascend +alone the last steep bit on which the ruins of the castle stand. It +struck me how reserved he was in his questions, and how communicative +about his own affairs. Comparing this charitable brother with the +uncharitable sister, who had visited me yesterday, how much more +elevated was the natural feeling of this peasant, than the obtrusive +refinement of the so-called higher classes.--On the top of the hill it +was indeed beautiful. With the exception of a small chapel and a +solitary tower which remain intact, the castle is in ruins; only a few +fragments of walls, thickly covered with ivy, are standing. Luxuriant +grass grows beneath them, tribes of lizards rustle over the sunny +stones. Tangled creepers of every description hang over the walls, and +far below, so that a falling stone would dash perpendicularly into the +water, the unruly Passer flows underneath the shelving rocks at the +foot of the hill. + +My armour bearer pointed out to me, on the opposite heights towards the +south, many old castles and small villages, where the vine cultivators +live, and told me the names of the different mountains, as I +comfortably sat on the grass with his dog lying beside me. + +At noon the church bells rang; he ceased talking took the three +cornered hat off his head and the pipe from his mouth, and crossing +himself devoutly, he prayed in silence. When the sounds had died away, +he put his hat on again, puffed at his pipe, and asked me if I were +hungry. + +I answered in the affirmative, but said I was still too much exhausted +to undertake my homeward journey. Without a word he descended the hill +with stalwart strides, and disappeared. + +Ten minutes later a little girl carrying a basin of milk, some bread +and a piece of the fete-day roast, hurried up the hill and looked about +for me, then silently and timidly placed the very welcome refreshment +before me. After many vain attempts, I at last coaxed the child to +speak to me. She told me that the Saltner had ordered it all for me in +the house below; he himself was busy in the vineyards, and would not +come again. The child then ran away and left me alone to feast in this +delightful solitude. Never had I eaten a more delicious meal. I was +quite ashamed of having consumed all, and having to carry back the +empty dishes. + +With difficulty I persuaded the good people to accept some money; +probably the Saltner had forbidden them to take any. In vain I looked +for him on my back. I do not even know his name. + +Is this not quite an adventure? and have I not reason to note this day. + + + October the 12th--Morning. + +This morning on waking, I thought how strange it is, that each +different class should envy the supposed freedom of the other, although +no true freedom can be found where the sense of this difference of +classes exists. Perhaps while I am casting a longing glance at the life +of these poor peasants who pass their days among vines, fields of +maize, and mulberry-trees, and who know as little of the hundred narrow +conventional considerations of propriety which rule the so-called +refined classes than the silk worm knows of the glittering misery which +may one day be covered by his web; to them the life of a town lady who +if she chose might spend her days in waltzing may seem a life of +supreme happiness and freedom. They are tied to their labour hour after +hour, and when they rest on Sundays they can as little free themselves +from the tedious customs which confine their enjoyments, as they can in +the heat of a summer-day, exchange the heavy woollen skirt with the +hundreds of plaits, for a lighter dress. + +The educated classes certainly have this advantage that they _can_ +emancipate themselves when they will, but still would such a one not be +blamed by his equals, just as peasant is blamed when he goes out +shooting in the harvest time? Altogether.... + + + 1 _o'clock_. + +No I will not bear this any longer, if I had to challenge the whole +world for it. The dying surely need not lie, need not submit to be +tormented, and smile complacently all the while. I am so revolted and +harassed--my nerves are so bruised, that I wish for a speaking trumpet +to be able to declare through it at the open window, my most solemn +renunciation of all society; unfortunately my tormentors are dining at +this moment, but this must happen sooner or later. + +I will have an iron bolt to my door of an hundred pounds weight, and an +iron mask for my face when I take a step out of my room. + +The landlady has just brought up my dinner; well it may get cold, I +have no appetite for it. My heart is beating fast with anger and +agitation. + +I am sick to death of all the talking that has been buzzing in my ears, +and could no more be stopped than the stream which turns that wheel +beside the bridge. That at least legitimates its noise by its useful +activity. + +Among all the good things I had to say of yesterday, I forgot to +mention the vain attempt of "the life-preserver" to see me. Now I +thought she will have at all events remarked that I do not wait for her +permission to breathe the fresh air and for the future will let the +light of her charity shine on more grateful beings. I little knew her. + +Whilst I was writing I heard her step coming up the stairs, and laying +aside my diary, I quickly took a letter which I had begun from my +portfolio, and intrenched myself behind it, determined to defend myself +to the last drop of ink. + +My poor forces were overthrown by her at the first assault. Letter +writing! tired! what nonsense; it was for my health I was here, and my +nerves required amusement and rest. No, as I had run up the Kuechelberg +yesterday like an unreasonable child, she had come to-day to prevent +the repetition of such suicide and to show me what it was to take the +air in a healthful way. Oh, yes she had found me out, I was not pleased +to see her again so soon! but a young lady who lived by herself was on +no account to be neglected. I was only to submit to her authority, and +would certainly be grateful to her afterwards. + +I put on my hat silently and resignedly. I could not even feel angry at +her clumsy and good natured tone, though it made me suffer bodily pain. + +Chattering incessantly she dragged me towards the winter grounds, as +the most sheltered part of the Wassermauer is called, for there an old +cloister and its high garden-wall keep off all cold winds, evergreen +shrubs flourish and the rose-bushes are still covered with roses. This +place is always crowded, the band plays and the whole society of +strangers walk there or sit basking in the sunshine. My protectress +seemed purposely to have brought me here with the intention of +introducing me to this beau monde. I had to run the gauntlet of a +curious, but to me quite indifferent crowd of ladies and gentlemen. I +saw not one face that pleased me, heard not one word that reached my +heart. Then the heat under those arbours, the noise of the importunate +brass band, and the rebellion which was chafing within me against this +soft tyranny, nearly drove me distracted. + +Still more revolting to me than the dull unfeelingness of the healthy, +was the behaviour of many of my fellow sufferers. There sat a young +countess who as I heard had been parted from her husband, in order to +avoid all excitement, but she was not too ill to notice my simple +old-fashioned dress, which she scanned from head to foot, and then with +a crushing look, she wrapped herself up in her cashemere burnouss, as I +sat on the bench beside her. + +And that young girl who treated me as an old acquaintance in the first +five minutes, and told me all the scandal of Meran, though death was +written in her face, and her cough went to my heart. Are those figures +of wax, dressed up automatons, who exhibit all their old minauderies, +though when spring comes they will have to lie in their coffins. + +It seemed to me quite a deliverance when the dinner-bell of the hotel +de la poste rang, and most of the company departed and my protectress +had to go to her sick friend. I hardly bid her good-bye. I could no +longer speak, or listen to a word, for I felt quite paralized; so she +has at last obtained her object and tried her cure on me, and the +result is, that both in mind and body I am more dead than alive. +Certainly that is a sort of recovery. + + + The 13th--Evening. + +I have at last succeeded, and cannot sufficiently express my joy at +this achievement. I reflected that it was only just, that if I wished +for freedom, I should purchase it by the exertion of some courage and +determination. Armed with a book, I calmly walked through the winter +grounds without recognizing any one, sat down in the midst of the whole +society and read for several hours without once looking up. + +Of course the life-preserver made her appearance and at once approached +my bench, but I coolly told her that talking hurt me; she looked +astonished, shrugged her shoulders, and left me to myself. + +I saw very well that she was offended. So much the better! If I find no +better occupation I will do this every day; I feel a certain +satisfaction in it. Whilst I sat surrounded by all those tiresome +people, I triumphed in my courage and the victory I had gained in not +having allowed myself to be daunted. Certainly the conflict had made my +heart beat faster, but even courage is not to be learnt in a day. And +then is it not doubly refreshing to read the grave and beautiful words +of our greatest poets, when from the different conversations around, +one picks up words which show what inferior spiritual nourishment +society puts up with. + +Possibly this may be a proud and over vain thought. But some pride +surely is pardonable in one so isolated. Is it not most presumptuous to +retire within oneself, and be contented with one's own society? Surely +he who prepares for death has a right to think of his soul above all +things, and how is this possible, in the midst of the thoughtless, +soulless noise, commonly called conversation? + +Already they show me plainly that I am not to their taste. To-day when +I appeared on the Wassermauer, with my book, all the benches were +occupied except one, on which sat only a pale and melancholy looking +young man, who is daily partly led, partly followed by a servant to a +sunny corner of the wintergarden and there sits covered up with costly +furs. Had the ladies, who were talking, and embroidering in the arbours +deigned to move, they certainly could have made room for my slight +person, whose crinoline never molested any one. + +I saw however that they had resolved to cause me embarrassment. Oh, how +sharp, unamiable, cold, and even inhuman our faces become, when we are +determined to show our dislike to some one of our fellow creatures! I +felt quite frightened at the stony features, dark looks, and drawn down +lips of the company. But soon I was ashamed of my cowardice, and of +having allowed it to be perceived. So I looked as if I saw no hostility +in their countenances and quietly sat down beside the young man, +leaving space enough between us, even for the wide robes of the +countess. I was deeply absorbed in my book, but though I never looked +up, I knew exactly what were the glances they cast at me, and could +have written down the benevolent remarks that were whispered beneath +those arbours. The sick young man hardly moved, only from time to time +he sighed--I pitied him; he appears to be one of the most suffering of +the invalids here, and to bear his illness with difficulty. He must be +rich for I saw a costly ring glittering on his finger. + +We sat side by side for several hours, and I was on the point of making +some observation to him about the book I was reading merely for the +sake of rousing him from the melancholy thoughts which seemed to +oppress him. Where would have been the harm? But now a days, care is +taken to make us feel ashamed of every natural impulse. So I remained +silent and read on. Suddenly he let a silver pencil-case fall from his +hands, as he was going to write down something in his pocketbook; he +made an effort to stoop, breathing with difficulty and I, without much +hesitation, anticipated him, and picked up the neat little pencil-case. +He thanked me with rather a surprised look: I myself blushed deeply, +and hearing a derisive titter from the ladies' bower, I lost my +composure for a few minutes. I thought with most tormenting +perspicacity of all that would be said of the crime committed by a +young lady in being of use to a young man. What would he think of me? I +had slightly glanced at him and remarked no smile on his melancholy +face. If after this proof of how little worldly knowledge I possess, he +thinks me very countrified, why should that annoy me? If I am contented +to be so, why should I be angry with him for perceiving it? He bowed +very politely, as half an hour later I rose to go. By this time I had +come to an understanding with myself, and felt so composed, that I +returned his salutation without the least embarrassment. Even the black +looks of my protectress, who had been immediately taken possession of, +by the other ladies, could not spoil my appetite for dinner. + +Here comes the soup unfortunately, it is of a lighter colour even than +the fair curls of the charitable lady. What a pity it is, that with the +dying, taste is not the first thing to depart. How I wish for one good +home cooked dish.-- + + + Evening. The first autumnal winds + carrying with it some poplar leaves. + +A letter from our dear old doctor, my best friend. He wants to hear how +I am getting on, how I feel, and how the climate agrees with me. He +reproaches himself for not having hidden the hopeless truth from me; at +the same time he praises my courage and firmness; he does not try to +change or put another construction on his former words; he knows it +would be useless. "Remember, dear Mary," he adds, "that miracles still +happen every day, and that all our science and knowledge only teach us +to marvel at everything or nothing. He is aware that my best comfort is +to know the truth, and to live in the truth as long as life is granted +me." + + + Several days later. I have lost the date. + Beautiful autumnal evening. + +Here was so much wind in the forenoon that I had to remain in-doors. I +was busy altering my dresses for my chest becomes more and more +delicate and they oppress me. In the afternoon the wind subsided, and I +walked out, down the broad street called Rennweg. Numbers of cows and +goats were driven through it--not a pleasant circumstance attending the +walks here. I tremble every time I see one of those clumsy horned heads +approach me though I know that they are not so stupid as they appear, +and have not such strong prejudices against a lonely female, as my wise +fellow-creatures. It is my bodily weakness which in case of need could +not find shelter behind a stout heart, which leaves me defenceless. So +I kept close to the houses, and arrived safely at the Western gate of +the town from whence the road leads on to the beautiful and sunny +Vintschgau. A path which passes at the foot of the Kuechelberg and then +winds through the vineyards tempted me and I slowly walked in that +direction. It pleased me to see the heavy bunches of purple grapes +hanging from the trellis above me, the huge yellow pumpkins, the ripe +maize in short all the riches of a southern autumn. Now and then I +met peasants at work; tubs filled with grapes and carts laden with +vine-leaves passed me. It seemed strange to me that the work was done +so quietly, without music or singing, for I had always fancied the +vintage to be one of the most noisy and brilliant of festivals. The +people of the country are of a lazy pensive disposition and never sing +at their work. If one now and then hears a song it is owing to there +being many Italians here, who are easily recognized by their fiery and +lively gestures. + +A hundred paces distant from the gate, close under the mountain, lies a +solitary farm. My landlady had told me that there one could get milk +fresh from the cow. As I am not a good walker, I entered the little +garden and ordered some milk and bread. Only a few strangers occupied +the benches, but just beside the door underneath a large orange-tree, +sat the pale young man, whilst his servant further, off, was refreshing +himself with a glass of wine. He had not touched the glass of milk +which stood before him, and as I was going to pass, he rose, bowed, and +offered me a seat at his table, saying that it was the most sheltered +spot. It was the first time I had heard him speak several sentences +together without stopping. His deep sad voice was very pleasing. I +gladly accepted his offer and when he begged me to take his untouched +glass, as he was not thirsty, I could not refuse without giving +offence. Finally we began a conversation, though much broken by pauses, +during which he relapsed into his melancholy dreaming. Only once he +smiled slightly, but it made him look still more sad when his pale lips +parted over the bluish white teeth. We had been talking of the dull +monotony in the life of the patients here; of the tiresome sitting +about in the winter garden. I said it reminded me of the caterpillars +and cocoons which my little brother keeps in glass boxes. These also +crawled about indolent and depressed amongst their food, satisfying +their gaoler by feeding greedily, and eyeing each other curiously when +they accidentally met; then they proceeded to their winter sleep, if by +chance they did not find the air too oppressive for them, and died. He +laughed, and said: "your comparison is much too flattering; do you +think that our fellow-worms ever feel as light and free as _they_ +become, unless in a purer atmosphere than this terrestrial one?" "That +depends," replied I, "on whether, when they proceed safe and sound from +their cocoons, they find their glass cage open. Otherwise they may be +reserved for a still more cruel fate. Few enjoy the liberty of their +wings; they are generally caught again, and struggle on a pin till +their bright colours turn to dust." + +He remained silent, and I was half sorry for having led the +conversation to so strange a theme; to divert his thoughts, I spoke to +him of the stiff, foolish narrow minded views of my native town, where +in the style of the so-called good old times, every one embitters the +life of his neighbour in the most amicable and ceremonious way. I then +told him how free and released I felt since I knew I was doomed to die. +My fetters had been loosened like the fetters of those who are +sentenced to death. He listened with interest but looked incredulous. +When I had done speaking.... + + + The next day. + +Yesterday I could not have been interrupted in a more unwelcome manner. +My door suddenly opened and the life-preserver, the sister of charity, +the lady without nerves, rushed into the room with a particularly stern +and solemn countenance which boded no good. Without taking breath after +running up the stairs, she sat down, spread her skirts over my sofa, +and without any circumlocution began to lecture me. Possibly she may be +of use where bodily nursing is required, but for spiritual care she +certainly has no vocation. A more clumsy way of touching on delicate +subjects I have not yet met with, and I have certainly not been spoiled +in that respect. I was informed that I had been guilty of great sins, +and could only make atonement for them by deep contrition. The +unaccountable whims of a sick person might, perhaps, excuse the +highflown manner with which I had received the friendly advances of +many estimable ladies, and the way in which I had withdrawn from their +company. But I had dared too in the face of all society to make +advances to a young man, and yesterday had gone so far as to accept his +glass of milk, and his company on my way home. She had never heard of +such a thing. A girl without the least education but with a sense of +decency and a proper regard for her reputation would never have thought +of doing so. After these occurrences she would certainly never have set +foot over my threshold again, had not conscience, and her good nature +bidden her warn me. I was alone here, and had no one to look after me +if I went astray. That young man did not enjoy a good reputation; his +illness was the consequence of a dissipated and reckless life which he +had now to expiate by an early death. If so near to the grave, he was +still so unscrupulous as to compromise a young creature like myself, +then all persons who had any regard for morality must condemn his +outrageous conduct, and endeavour to save his victim. + +During this speech I remained petrified, and my heart beat so violently +that I could not utter a word; but when she stopped and cast a severe +look at me, the convicted sinner, I rallied all my remaining spirit and +answered that I thanked her for her solicitude, and did not at all +doubt her good intentions, but that I did not think I had committed any +impropriety--still less had gone astray--that I did not believe my +reputation to be in any danger. I knew what I could, or could not do, +and would be responsible for it. I did not see why the fact of having +one foot in the grave obliged one to give an account to the world of +every free but innocent action, particularly as even that would not +protect one against its malignant judgments. I had not come to Meran, I +continued, in order to ingratiate myself with a society entirely +strange to me, but to spend my last days in the manner most agreeable +to me, and most in accordance with my nature. You must allow me, my +dear Madam, I concluded, not to be led by considerations which, +perhaps, may be useful to others. When I had delivered this speech I +felt quite startled at my own boldness yet I was pleased with myself. +This I thought will at all events make an end of it; and so it was; at +least, I hope so, for my protectress rose with a dignified look which +sat oddly on, her round face adorned with the little ringlets and said: +"Good-bye, Mademoiselle, you are so independent that it would be +indiscreet in me to prolong my visit," and with these words she sailed +out of the room. So I had at last got rid of her, but not of her +sayings, nor of my thoughts. Oh, the sad cold littleness of the world! +Is there no spot on earth where a poor human being may be permitted to +die after its own fashion? Is one to go tightly laced even to one's +last breath? No, they shall not get the better of me; I do not love +them, then why should I not despise them; or at least not notice them +when they cross my path? Possibly I may have been thoughtless, but +thoughtfulness requires time, and I have not much to spare. Certainly +if I had to live with these people for an immeasurable time, it might +be prudent not to exasperate them, and to bow before them--prudent, but +annoying, and in my opinion, hardly worth the while. What harm could +they do to me; at the worst they would leave me alone, and could they +do me a greater favour? She said that he had caused his own sufferings. +Is he for that less worthy of compassion? Perhaps, the remorse he feels +is the cause of his melancholy, as the consciousness of my undeserved +fate is the cause of my gaiety. Each of us has lived a different life, +and has now to resign it. I have nothing to repent of, and nothing to +regret; he does both, and so each of us dies a different death. + +Why should it be a crime to exchange a few unconstrained words? Do not +people who have set out together on a long journey fraternize, and +become friends at the first station? Are they then to be blamed if they +exchange a few words before starting. + + + Monday, the 21st October. + +I spent my Sunday at home in writing, and reading the letters of +Mendelssohn's youth, which in my opinion show his character to much +greater advantage than his other writings. They convince me still more +that even a complete and free man of genius can work earnestly at his +own improvement. If I were a man, I should only care to be an artist. +This seems an extravagant idea; for those not endowed with talents +perceive only the outward freedom of the existence of a genius, and not +the anxieties and labours of his vocation. But in some of the +attributes of an artist's nature, in the power of desiring freedom, and +of maintaining it, in enthusiasm for noble deeds, and in admiration for +all that is beautiful, I should not be found wanting, and armed with +these weapons could pass a lifetime in waging war against petty +formalists and pedants. + +But of what use are all these to me, a girl, with death before me. +Well, at all events they will teach me to die calmly. + +Mendelssohn's letters have awakened in me a longing for music. I hope I +have not been extravagant in hiring a small piano. This morning it was +brought to me, and now stands in my room. I have not played for a long +time, and after reading Mendelssohn's letters felt quite ashamed of +stumbling through his songs without words. I must purchase some sonatas +and study them. I confess that at the first notes of music I burst into +tears. The last conversation has left in me a wound which bled afresh, +as the first sound of music reached my heart after so many weeks +privation. I let my tears flow freely, and played on till I grew calm +again. + + + "The 22nd." + +I have seen him again. I had avoided him those last days. Though I am +quite determined to go my own way; still they have succeeded in robbing +me of my first unconstraint. But to-day I met him at the bookseller's +shop, where I was looking out some music. He asked me if I had felt +unwell, as I had not appeared on the Wassermauer. I blushed and +replied, "no, but I had not felt inclined to walk there." Then we +talked about music which he greatly likes. "Once I was in possession of +a voice," he said, smiling; "but it has departed this life before me." +As we came out of the shop I at first wished to bid him adieu, and walk +home alone. Then I felt ashamed of my cowardice, and walked on with him +to the gate which leads on to the Wassermauer. The day was lovely, and +the promenaders walked about with their cloaks on their arms. Only a +few yellow leaves reminded one of October. As we followed the course of +the Passer and passed the benches occupied by the so-called good +society, I was pleased, and happy to feel so much at ease. I tried to +cheer him up and when I had succeeded in making him laugh I applauded +my own spirit which was not to be daunted. I said to myself, "Does it +please you my good people to put on disdainful looks, and to wrap +yourselves up in your own virtue, as much as it does me to see this +pale face, on which death has already cast its shadow, light up with +the serenity of an evening sky." We walked up and down for a whole hour, +and I did not feel in the least tired. This time I closely examined his +countenance. Whatever lies behind him, it can be nothing base or mean. +His features are neither regular nor can they be called expressive, but +when he speaks there is something refined and thoughtful about his face +which becomes him well. He cannot be more than twenty-six years old. +His manners are easy, and natural, and plainly show that he has mixed +in the best society. I, with my provincial style of dress, and little +knowledge of the world, must contrast strangely with him. + +I have looked over the book of strangers trying to find out his name; +_before_, I only knew where he lived; I have now discovered that he can +be none other than a Mr. Morrik _Particulier_ from Vienna. What an odd +position! probably it means independent. Then I am a _Particuliere_ +with more right to be so than he has. He is dependent on many things; +on his fortune, on his melancholy thoughts--on his servant, who carries +his cloak and furs for him. + + + The 23rd. + +Last night I dreamt much, and very reflective dreams. In one of them, I +again met Halding, who for years has never troubled my thoughts. I +spoke to him as indifferently as ever, and asked after his wife and +children. I was glad to hear that they were very well. Then still in my +dream, I considered what would have been my lot, had I accepted his +hand. I should now be established in America, in a fine house, and have +riches and health, for I should not have passed through the sufferings +of the last years, in my father's house--I should not be thinking of +dying. I thought over all this, as I saw the red cheeked wife, who had +so soon consoled him after my refusal--I shuddered at the idea of such +happiness. This may appear foolish, full of pretension, and +ingratitude. What fault could I find in him except that I did not love +him. Many people found him most amiable, and I thought him even too +much so, for a man. As a woman he would have made the best, most +docile, and virtuous of wives, but just for that reason would, as a +husband have made me most wretched. More than once I have been given to +understand that my character was too determined and energetic for a +girl. Did not the long lecture of the life preserver tend to show me +how deficient I was in feminine timidity and reserve. If this be true +the fault lies with my destiny, which threw me early in life on my own +resources, and made me independent. One to whom the world and life +makes advances may well await its approach but one who must confront +its struggles, cannot do without reliance on God, and on himself. If I +required any proof that no unwomanly boldness, no desire of dominating +lies in my character, I would find it in my dislike to womanish men, +who must lean for support on a wife; and towards manly women who only +find their happiness in ruling. + + + The 26th. + +A few quiet and uniform days have passed. I felt very languid and +disinclined to everything and I remained at home, as the change from +the hot sunshine to the dark arcades always hurts me. I read, and +played a few sonatas, and felt that even solitude brings many heavy +hours with it. + +To-day I walked out and the first person I met was Mr. Morrik, as he +really is called--I heard an acquaintance address him by that name. We +sat for a long time together on a bench amidst the evergreen shrubs in +the winter garden for underneath the poplars the air is now getting too +sharp. Society seems to have reconciled itself to the unpardonable and +unheard of crime, committed by two candidates for death, in talking to +each other, and no longer disturbs us. So to-day we had a remarkable +conversation. It began, instead of ending, as such conversations when +they are earnest and agitated are apt to do, by the utterance of the +most hidden thoughts which are usually kept back, till, after having +turned over different questions, they suddenly break forth in the +ardour of the contest. It was not the first time that I experienced in +myself a habit of thinking aloud. To my own great astonishment I, this +time suddenly took heart, and poured forth my most hidden and unavowed +thoughts and feelings; so that when the words, I was uttering struck my +ear I felt quite frightened at my audacity in harbouring such strange +ideas, and still more in delivering them to a stranger. It sometimes +really appears to me as if I had two characters within me--the one +spirited, out spoken, and clever, and this one seldom shews itself--the +other, silly and girlishly shy, which sits by in fear and trembling +when the other speaks, and cannot muster courage to interrupt it. I +forget what gave rise to this conversation. I only remember that before +I knew what I was saying I found myself in the midst of an eager, and +passionate sermon. The subject I treated was "the fear of death," which +is so plainly written in many faces around us, and also in his pale +quiet features. I have now forgotten the greatest part of my lecture, +though as the words flowed from my tongue it pleased me much and seemed +to me impossible to be refuted. I only remember that the text of my +sermon were the words of Goethe: "For I was made man, and that means, +that I have striven"--etc. "Why then if we are all combatants," I +began, "Who sooner or later must perish beside their colours, why +should it be a disgrace to those only who bear arms by profession to +meet death with cowardice; why should it not also be considered +repugnant to the esprit de corps, and the honour of humanity in +general, to cling to life with groanings and lamentations when danger +approaches. Soldiers who slink away on the eve of a battle are brought +back dishonoured and disgraced, and are thought too despicable to be +allowed to fight in the ranks of the brave. Why should a dying man who +prays for a respite of days, and hours, and even minutes, not forfeit +our sympathy and obtain only a little pity for his weakness?" So it was +I spoke. I felt like an old trooper who exhorts his men before they +commence the assault on an entrenchment. I believe that at that moment, +if the whole of the society had gathered around me to listen, my ardour +would only have increased. In the midst of my harangue, I cast a look +over the beautiful landscape which lay bathed in sunshine and it seemed +to inquire of me whether it were so very contemptible not to close +ones' eyes readily on all we have learnt to love, when we do not know, +when and how they will open again or whether they will like the change. +But this mute interrogation did not disconcert me; I had an answer all +ready; so I continued: "What you have once enjoyed is yours for ever. +What has time to do with our immortal soul? and if the soul be +immortal, will not the best part of our life, our love, all that we +have striven, and yearned for be purified and increased, and remain +ours for ever. And how few really happy sensations do we owe to that +which we shall leave here below. How many delusions cling to our +dearest friendships, must cling to them for in the midst of our +enjoyment we feel restless, and dissatisfied! Then why not leave with a +serene countenance this dreary world, where the brightest light throws +the darkest shade?"--I could have talked on for ever, had not a +vehement fit of coughing cut short my power of speech. Then only did I +consider what effect all this might have on my silent and melancholy +companion and whether it would not have been better to wait till our +acquaintance had ripened somewhat, before I displayed my small +knowledge of life and death. That which was a specific for me, his +nature might not be strong enough to bear, and then what good would it +do him? Should I not appear to him as hard and obtrusive as the lady +without nerves had appeared to me. Had I the least right to force my +aid and advice on him? However the words had been said and could not be +recalled. He remained buried in thought for full ten minutes, and left +me time to reproach myself bitterly. Then he began in a grave and +affectionate tone to dispel my fears. He said that he agreed to every +word I had spoken, and that as he took a great interest in me, it +pleased him to see me meet my fate so well armed, and with so much +fortitude; but that human destinies were different. "It is unjust," he +continued, "to expect from the sick the same strength and courage, +which we justly demand in a troop of active and healthy men. Do you not +believe that in a soldier who camps in the snow and marches twelve +hours a day, the body and blood which he stakes when he hazards his +life, and limbs must be of a more vigorous nature than those of the +poor wounded man who from the hospital hears the report of the cannon +and shudders. And is he for that to be despised? But there is another +difference which a girl cannot well understand. A man who has any +knowledge of life must perceive that his destiny is not merely to enjoy +himself, but that he has a task to perform, duties to fulfil. Do not +you think that it must be painful to have to leave the world without +having even begun this task? You must not forget this difference +Mademoiselle: The soldier fulfils his duty in dying: every other man in +living except his death be a sacrifice or an example to others. How can +he who has hitherto only lived to neglect his duty die without feeling +his death to be a new fault, a new faithlessness. We have exchanged so +many confessions," he went on, "that it would be foolish to keep back, +one, which to be sure is wholly personal and may not interest you. To +judge from the opinions you have expressed you seem to think that my +gloomy and unhappy humour is the consequence of an unmanly despair at +the prospect of certain death. Perhaps you will be inclined to think +more favourably of me when I tell you that my illness has taught me to +look upon a life of vain amusements, caring and cared for by nobody, a +life of pure selfishness as unworthy of the exercise of great medical +skill, and of the benefit of this much lauded climate. The past would +not hinder me from dying calmly--it was an empty life nothing worse. It +is the future which I had hoped to conquer just when it was too late; +wisdom came but strength left me. It is that gnaws at my heart and +makes it impossible for me to leave life with the same cheerfulness +that you do. Believe me I was not worse than the best of my equals. I +spent my youth in idleness, gambling, travelling and such trifles and +fancied as long as my father lived that it was a life suitable to my +station, and this was also his opinion. I took great pleasure in the +intellectual amusements as they are called. I was present at the debut +of every actor singer and musical composer. I collected fine pictures, +cultivated music and took a part in any amateur quartett, and that not +badly either. Suddenly my father died and his property, his fortune, +his political obligations, and connections were left without a head. +Nobody had dreamt of so sudden an end. Now it was my turn, now I had to +advance to the front and to take an oar, and just at that time +strength, and power to act were taken from me. How this happened and +how much or how little the fault lies with me is not to the purpose. +Let us suppose that this misfortune was not caused by any fault of +mine, but that it came upon me as the stone falls from the roof. Do you +not allow that my feelings on looking at the past may well be different +from yours? and so are the feelings with which I view the future." I +was on the point of answering, _what_, I hardly know, probably it was +to ask his pardon for my hasty condemnation, when I was prevented by an +old woman who offered roses for sale. He took a bunch and gave her a +florin in silver which she held in her hand, and looked at with +astonishment, as here one only meets with dirty torn paper money. He +made a sign to her, that it was all right and laid the bouquet on the +bench between us. A gentleman then approached, and spoke to him. He +rose without taking leave, but did not return to me. Soon after I +walked away leaving the bouquet on the bench. Now I regret it. What +crime have these poor roses committed that I should grudge them even a +short reprieve in a glass of water. + + + Evening. + +I went out again, and as I must confess, only to fetch the roses. It +seemed to me like a wrong towards living beings, to leave them to +wither on the bench. I found them untouched, and now they stand fresh +and flagrant outside my window. I had to place them there, for the +nights are now so cool, that I dare not leave the window open. I will +now read to quiet my agitated thoughts. The roses have brought back to +my mind the epitaph on the tombstone: + + So the early fading of the rose + Is to be envied: it is repose? + +This sign of interrogation has slipped from my pen and I cannot make up +my mind to strike it out. Truly, it is a question, whether a poor human +creature has a right to envy his fellow men for anything, even for +death. + + + The 29th + +To-day is my birthday; I formerly never took any notice of it, and did +not expect others to do so. This one however as it is my last one on +earth, I resolved to honour and solemnize as much as I could. Quite +early in the morning I summoned the little girls of my landlord and +gave each of them a dress I had made for them, a cake and a kiss. Then +I walked out though the day was chilly and without sunshine. + +On the stairs I met Mr. Morrik's servant, who came to ask if I were +unwell, as I had not appeared on the Wassermauer for several days. I +felt pleased that some one inquired for me. After the recent +conversation in the wintergarden I appeared to myself so unamiable, +that I did not think it possible that any one should care whether I +lived or died. + +I walked up and down for some time underneath the arcades, for the rain +swept through the narrow streets, and it was disagreeable to be out +there, as a piercing wind which they call here the Jaufenwind had +arisen, and though the Kuechelberg kept it off in some degree still it +now and then blew in gusts round the corner. I felt so dull and +unemployed, so dreary, that by way of pastime, I bought some figs and +peaches and ate them. I soon felt, that in this cold weather, I had not +done wisely, but made bad worse by sitting down beside a woman who was +roasting chesnuts, and eating some of these to warm me, and thereby +only succeeded in nearly making myself ill. + +So this is my holiday! It serves me quite right; How can an unemployed +person think of holiday making. "Sour workdays, sweet holidays," that +is a different thing. More and more clearly I see that he was right, +and that I was not only wrong, but have wronged him. It is only the +heartless and selfish who would not feel regret at being called away +from this life without having done any good in it. He was very kind and +forbearing in trying to find a difference between his position and +mine. Have we not all of us duties? Did not my mother fulfil hers till +her last breath? And here am I happy in my unprofitable solitude, and +joyful as a child who has shirked school. + +Here are letters from my father, and little Ernest. Birthday +congratulations. I will read them out of doors. The Jaufenwind has +cleared the sky, and the sun shines so warmly that I can no longer +stand the heat of the stove, and have to open both windows. + + + In the Afternoon. + +This day has after all been celebrated; by a reconciliation which +consisted in a second dispute. As the unexpected sunshine brought every +living creature out into the wintergrounds, I walked on from the +Wassermauer towards the west, till I reached the spot where the Passer +flows into the Adige. There I saw at a distance Mr. Morrik sitting on +the trunk of a tree in the sunshine, with his servant at his side. He +observed me also, and rose to meet me. I was much embarrassed, for it +seemed as if I had come in search of him; however it was too late to +turn back; and why should I have done so? Was it not true that I was +pleased to see him, and wished to speak to him. I owed him the +satisfaction of telling him that he had converted me, and that all my +death defying wisdom appeared to me now like the delirium of fever. I +could hardly wait till an opportunity presented itself of confessing +this to him, and so I almost started when he anticipated me by calling +out: "How happy I am to see you! You will wonder at the miracle you +have performed on me. During your heartfelt speech I felt what a deep +impression it made on me; but like the rest of the world though I saw I +was wrong I did not like to acknowledge it, and so I supported my cause +as well as I could. We have not met since then, and in the meanwhile I +had time to recall it to my thoughts, and after a few hours +consideration, I felt I was completely changed and could have sworn +never to desert the colours you carried so valiantly before me." + +"What will you say," I replied despondingly, "when you hear that I +myself have turned traitor?" "Impossible," he exclaimed, laughing--and +it was the first time I had seen him, not only smile, but laugh +heartily--"and so even you are affected by human weaknesses; but beware +of me, for I will bring back the deserter, willing or unwilling; not to +pass sentence on him, but to entrust to him again the standard under +which I will conquer or die." + +There now arose an absurd contest between us, each defending the very +point he had vehemently disputed a few days ago, and trying to +depreciate his former opinion as much as possible, "You must confess," +he at last exclaimed, "that in whichever way the wisdom of a Daniel +might theoretically settle our dispute, _my_ opinion, I mean your +former one, is by far the most advantageous. Since my conversion to it, +I feel reconciled to Providence, to the world, and even to myself, as-- +yes, as you were before you were led astray by me. Now, although my +position, my sufferings and the few pleasures left to me are the same, +they appear to me tinged with fresh and glowing hues, instead of the +dull grey which shrouded them before. I look on the past as I did then; +but can I win back what I have lost by losing also that which remains +to me? You were so right in saying: in every minute, we can live a +whole life. How many minutes, nay days, weeks, perhaps months still lie +before me, and shall I not employ them? That which I had intended to do +is not of such great importance after all. Humanity will not be much +affected by its failure; but even had it been of the utmost importance, +nothing can now be altered. I cannot go back. I can only advance and +should there be some task for me to perform in the next world, I shall +be better prepared for it by courage and confidence than by the useless +despair of which I now feel heartily ashamed, before you, and should be +still more so if you had not left your position, high above the rest of +mankind, and had shown no human weakness." + +I can only write down dryly all that I remember of what he said; but +when he himself utters his thoughts there is so much cleverness, +originality and wit in them that they refresh the mind, like the +inhaling of vivifying salt, and never leave a bitter taste behind. + +It was a delightful hour. Had we been two men, or two women, we would +have shaken hands at parting and have fraternized on the spot. We have +now agreed to meet daily on the Wassermauer; we still think differently +on several points and have not much time to decide them. + +The letters from home have also pleased me. Ernest is quite impatient +at not seeing me for so long. The poor little fellow does not know how +long it will be before we meet. Meanwhile it has grown dark. I will +have some music and so close the day harmoniously. + + + The 3rd November. + +Pleasant days are rare guests in this world. Since I last wrote we have +only met twice. The day before yesterday the weather was damp and +foggy. I walked in the wintergarden, but he was nowhere to be seen, I +only perceived the malicious inquisitive face of the young lady who +always takes a seat close to Mr. Morrik and me, hoping to hear some of +our conversation. The life preserver also arrived, and looked at me +severely from head to foot, as I passed before and I heard her say to a +lady who sat beside her, intending it for me: "That poor young man; how +he has to suffer for talking so much." I shuddered and was very nearly +going up to the uncharitable sister, in spite of what had passed +between us, to ask her for news of him. Fortunately he sent his servant +in the afternoon, to tell me that he was confined to his room by the +cold weather--it had snowed during the night--and that I ought to take +great care of myself as the transition from autumn to winter was very +dangerous. In spite of this I went out both yesterday and to-day with +the hope of seeing him, but in vain. When two people are isolated among +the rest, how soon they grow accustomed to each other's society! He has +no acquaintances here except the doctor, whom he greatly likes. I +sometimes feel inclined to consult this doctor--not to hear anything +about myself, I know enough of that; but to hear if he really is doomed +or only fancies himself so. + + + The 5th--Evening. + +The wind has changed and now a scirocco is blowing. The whole country +of the Adige is covered with fog, a warm soft rain drizzles against the +window panes. The poplars have lost so much of their foliage that I can +easily trace the outline of the beautiful peak of the Mendola. The +vineyards are autumnally bare, the cattle are now sheltered in the +stables, everything is prepared for winter, and I am heartily glad of a +warm nook. My father writes of much snow and cold, whilst here the +southern wind still brings an Italian warmth with it, and in the little +garden below my windows, the roses bloom as gaily as if they were quite +certain that the snow would never descend from the top of the Muth to +the village of Tirol--still less reside on the Wassermauer. + + +The 6th--Morning. + +The roses really seem to be right. The most beautiful sunshine awoke +me; the stove shall enjoy a holiday. The green meadows in the lower +part of the country are as bright as in May. Half an hour ago I +received a note from Morrik saying that he wished to take advantage of +the fine day, and enjoy a ride over the nearest hills as walking was +forbidden him and he asked me if I would accept his company, and join +him. In that case he would fetch me at ten o'clock with the mules. I +wrote to him without much deliberation that I would be very happy to do +so. Now when I think of it.... + + + In the Evening. + +Fortunately I had no time to think over it, or I should probably have +thought many foolish and superfluous things. My landlady came to +announce that the gentleman was waiting for me below, and at the same +moment his servant entered to carry down my plaid and bag, so I had to +hurry away. He had dismounted when I came down, and the pleasure of +seeing him again, after so long a time, looking tolerably well and +cheerful, the mild clear day, the view, and the prospect of a pleasant +ride helped me to overcome my childish embarrassment. Society had at +last got accustomed to see us talk together whilst walking, why should +we not also do so on mules. So we rode gaily through the Laubengasse, +and over the bridge, where to be sure the whole company of strangers +rushed to the railings of the wintergarden, and followed us with their +kind looks and remarks. On the other side of the bridge, the road turns +to the left and ascends the hilly streets of the cheerful village of +Obermais. We soon found ourselves among the leafless vineyards, and in +trotting past the houses, saw the grapes pressed in large tubs, and +barrels filled with their juice, and under the bare trellises, +preparations for next year's harvest. One can hardly imagine anything +more picturesque looking than one of those tall fine looking young +peasants ploughing underneath these bowers with their strong grey oxen, +or as in that beautiful picture of Robert's, resting his cattle while +he leans on the pole between them. The whole surrounded by a frame of +trellis work, which here supports the vine in the form of a vaulted +arcade. They all left their work when we passed--I rode in front on a +very quiet animal, led by the guide; Morrik just behind me, so that we +could exchange the expressions of our delight at all these beauties of +nature, and his servant brought up the rear. + +When we had mounted somewhat higher, I involuntarily stopped; the view +was so wonderfully beautiful. The entire valley of the Adige lay far +beneath us, the river glittered between meadows and sands, and the more +distant mountains encircled the whole with their clear and beautiful +outline. But how can words describe a scene which the brush of the most +able painter could not do justice to. Neither of us spoke, we remained +in silent awe, and could only marvel. Had not the mules become +impatient, who can say whether we should not be on the same spot still. +My docile bay who was more sagacious than he looked, pondered, and +shook his head with the conspicuous ears, over the folly of mankind in +stopping where no fodder was to be seen: so he moved on slowly to +supply our want of judgement, and the others followed. We left to our +right a beautiful castle belonging to Count Trautmannsdorf, and the +little church of St. Valentine, which stands quite isolated in a +sheltered valley. Our way then again turned to the north over a hill +which rises at the foot of the Ifinger, whose snowy summit towered in +the clear autumnal sky. The whole ridge of the hill is covered with +solitary farms, intermingled with old castles that are now chiefly +inhabited by rich wine growing peasants who, during the summer months, +lodge invalid strangers. I have forgotten the names of most of them, +only one of them I remember, the castle of Rubein. There in front of +the old battlements stand tall slender cypresses, like guardians round +an old sarcophagus and contrast by their sombre hue with the green and +yellow foliage of the vine. We took a hasty survey of the courtyard. +The small open gallery supported by pillars, the steep stairs, which +lead up to it, and in the corner the old, and now nearly bare +walnut-tree round which myriads of birds were fluttering and singing, +so that it seemed as if they had enjoyed too much of their grape +harvest and were now intoxicated and overmerry. I could fill pages with +a description of the beauties of these heights. Further on, towards the +valley of Passeir, the road gently ascends underneath noble chesnut and +walnut-trees, and the view opens out to the Kuechelberg, and my dear old +Zenoburg, till it rests on the high projecting village of Schoenna with +its old castle. + +When we arrived it was just noon. We were both tired by our long ride, +hungry and silent. The sights in which we had revelled still occupied +our thoughts, and here again our eyes hardly sufficed to enjoy the view +which extended far and near from every window. I entered the tap-room, +whilst Morrik talked to the landlord outside, and sat quietly in the +dusk for a while with closed eyes endeavouring to recover my calmness. + +The room had a projecting bay window which formed a sort of recess, +where sat, as a hasty glance when I entered had shown me, a young +peasant, and a girl with their dinner and wine before them. They seemed +to notice me as little as I did them. Morrik then came in, and sat down +at a table beside me. He appeared more cheerful than usual, but also +looked paler, as if the air had fatigued him. We talked about +indifferent subjects. Suddenly the young peasant rose from his seat in +the window, and with a full glass of wine in his hand, approached our +table. "With your permission," he said, "the gentleman won't object to +my drinking the health of this lady, as we are old acquaintances." Then +he took a sip, looked at me over the edge of his glass, and gave it to +me to drink from. I took the glass, but looked at him rather puzzled. +He seemed quite unknown to me, and appeared to be flushed with wine, +and in a waggish humour, so that I was really frightened. + +"Well, well," he said, as I was silent, and Morrik gave him no +encouragement; the hat of a Saltner, and a beard of three months' +standing certainly give a fellow somewhat more of a diabolical look +than his holiday clothes. But if I did not seem appalling to her then, +there is still less danger of it now, particularly as her brother, or +her sweetheart.... + +"Natz," the girl interrupted, "what nonsense you are talking. The young +lady does not look as if she felt a great horror of you, but to drink +wine is forbidden to those who are ill; is it not so your honour? +Ignatzius has a notion that no one can live without wine. Oh what a +wild-fellow he is! I have been begging and entreating him for a whole +hour to come away. We are going down to Meran for our pledge, you +understand, our betrothal; but there he will sit, sit till night comes +on, and when the wine is well up, forsooth, a pretty figure we shall +make before the deacon. Do persuade him to come away my lady----" + +"Heigh-ho what's this!" exclaimed the young fellow, whom I at last +recognized as my friend of the Zenoburg, "don't you see Liesi that this +gentleman and lady are in no hurry either? What do you say to that, +sir? she already takes the reins; the women are always in a hurry to +get the men into their power. A smart fellow often pauses on this road +and drinks his last bachelor's bottle with all the more relish. In +other respects," he continued, casting a proud and merry glance at +her, "I cannot complain; she is a tightly built lass, and has her +senses about her; and certainly she has not been picked up on the +highways--Only this setting down, and domineering, that is an +affliction to be sure; but even the strongest and most determined +fellow must submit to it--How have you fared?" turning to Morrik, the +lady here is very nice, and I would not mind changing with you, but +then there would be an end of playing the master of the house, "well +every one has some burden to carry." + +"Ignatz," I said, for Morrik still continued silent, and I feared he +would set the young fellow down, whose tongue the wine had loosened, +somewhat ungently, "this gentleman is neither my sweetheart nor my +brother. We are both of us strangers here; who only had agreed to make +this excursion together. You talk about commanding but that demands +strength. A poor woman who will be buried before the spring arrives, +neither has spirit nor inclination for it. And now go with your Liesi +to Meran to the priest, and don't let it be said of you that you did +not know what you were doing when you gave her your promise." + +The girl who was fresh and blooming, and had a frank and intelligent +countenance, now also rose and took the young man by the arm. + +"Thank you, young lady," she said, "for helping me to get off with this +fellow. Say God speed, to the gentleman and lady, Natzi, and then come +along; and I hope ma'am that you will change your mind about dying. I +was a servant girl in one of the lodging-houses down at Meran during +two winters, and know many a one who quite recovered after having +ordered his coffin, and many a one who thought he was breathing his +last breath, afterwards climbed to the top of the Muth. The air of +Meran is so fine that I should not wonder if it woke up the dead. But +now goodbye your honours, or this one here, will go to sleep on the +spot where he is standing." + +There really seemed some danger of this for he stood leaning against +the table, and vacantly stared at the floor. He nodded dreamily towards +us, and willingly let himself be led out. + +I cannot deny that the whole scene had made a painful impression on me. +It did not exactly show the young fellow to disadvantage, but his talk +of which I have given the main part without his strong expressions had +vexed me. Morrik did not seem much edified either by this encounter. +The landlady who brought in our dinner, also asked importunate +questions, and so did not improve our humour. Moreover the air was +heavy in the low room and the smoke from the kitchen penetrated into +it. The cooking too was bad, so we were glad to have done with it and +to breathe again the fresh air. We walked slowly along the narrow paths +among the picturesque farms, talking little. My cheerfulness however +soon returned. "Are you not well?" I asked, as he pensively walked +beside me. "I cannot complain," he said, "I should feel neither care +nor grief if thoughts did not oppress me." + +"Perhaps it would relieve you, if you could express your thoughts." + +"Perhaps it would make it worse. My thoughts would hardly please you." + +"Your confidence at least would please me." + +"Even if I should confide to you, that after all, I fear you have too +much confidence in me?" I looked at him enquiringly. + +"Look here," he continued, "the little you know of me, is perhaps the +best part of me; thence I am persuaded that you think much too highly +of me, and would be disappointed if you heard the judgement which other +people, who to be sure know me still less than you do, have passed upon +me." + +"Is it not the same with every one of us," I replied, "either we are +judged too highly or undervalued by our fellow creatures. Even our +nearest friends do not always see us in our true light. But shall I for +that lose my faith in the durability of our friendly intercourse, the +term of which is so very short." + +He smiled sadly. "I have a sure presentiment that you will outlive me; +perhaps for many years. Since I have known you, your health has visibly +improved, and who can tell whether the sentence pronounced on you by +your doctor may not one day be laid aside with the rest of the sayings +which false prophets have recklessly uttered. You shake your head. Well +we will leave the future to decide this question, I carry the sure +tokens of death too plainly within me to mistake them. So it causes me +much deliberation whether I am not wronging you, in enjoying your +society, your conversation, may I say your friendship? without heeding +the injury your kindness may do you. You are so far above many things, +which, in spite of their meanness, are all powerful in this world; how +strong and cruel that power is, I myself have painfully experienced. +Lest you should feel hurt at a man's reminding you of the prejudices +and opinions which usually have more influence with women, and which +hitherto, in our friendly intercourse, we have despised, you must know +that I should not be here, not be ill, not be dying if I had been more +careful of the judgement of others and of the light, or rather shade +which I throw on all with whom I associate." + +We had seated ourselves on a stone, close by the roadside, and covered +with moss and ivy from whence we could see the beautiful mountain peaks +and the sloping heights of the Passer through the branches of the +chesnut-trees. + +Children on their way to school surrounded us at some distance, +peasants passed, and cows were led to the fountain. He did not heed +them, but continued in a low voice: "Perhaps you do not know, dear +Marie, how much an independent position influences our nature for good +or for evil. It is now useless to moralize on the subject, but one +thing to be observed, is, that a man who is not restrained by any tie +is very apt to despise those who are bound by considerations, or +prejudices. I have already told you that I was better than my +reputation. As I could easily dispense with the assistance, protection, +and good-will of my fellow-creatures, I thought I could also dispense +with their good opinion, and only laughed when the _home-made_ people, +as I used to call them, painted my character in darker colours than it +really deserved. They envy me my freedom, I often said. As I am not +dependent on them for anything, they want me at least to bow down +before their moral tribunal. What would freedom be worth if it did not +teach us to depend on ourselves and the voice of our conscience alone? +So I went my way, and let them talk. Every path in life leads past +human habitations, and whoever seeks admission into these must steady +his steps that he may not be suspected of being a vagabond or a +drunkard, and no peaceful citizen will let such a one cross his +threshold. I will not give you a long history--to be brief; I made the +acquaintance of a most amiable girl--perhaps, it was for the first +time, that I felt warm friendship, and inspired it. The young lady had +been engaged for several months to an officer whom I had formerly met +in rather light society. At that time he was absent on duty. I am +convinced that I would never have entered the house again, had I felt +anything like love for his betrothed. But as matters stood, I gave +myself up to the charm of this harmless and cordial intercourse, the +more so, that her brother saw no objection to it. The family was +wealthy and much esteemed. Small parties were given in the house, where +dancing, comedies and tableaux-vivants went on, so that many young men +were always assembled there even during the absence of the betrothed, +and his future bride gaily joined in every amusement. Suddenly I +remarked that her brother treated me with coldness and reserve; I was +on the point of asking him the reason of this, when he anticipated me +by writing a polite letter in which he expressed his positive desire +that I should never again enter his parents' house. Of course, we had +an explanation in which I was informed that the officer to whom his +sister was engaged had charged her to break off all intercourse with +me, as I was a man of no principle. Several other circumstances added +to the irritation caused by this unfortunate affair, and though I did +my best to spare my fair friend every sorrow, yet the affair took a +serious turn. The conversation ended in a duel. I shot into a tree, but +the brother whose blood was hotter than mine, grazed my side with his +bullet. It was not much to speak of, but the agitation which I with +difficulty repressed, the cold of the winter morning in which I drove +for several hours in my carriage back to town, and the pain and rage I +felt at seeing this pure and charming tie so foolishly rent asunder, +all this laid me prostrate. I only rose from an inflammatory fever to +be sent here as incurable. And now, dear Marie, you will understand why +I can no longer make light of your innocently walking by the side of a +man supposed to be without principles. I who, at least, have always +adhered firmly to one thing, and that is not to seek my own happiness +at the cost of another's." + +I had long made up my mind how I should answer him. "If you have +confided all this to me, with the hope of changing my opinion," I said, +"you little know me. It can only confirm me in the belief that I do +well in availing myself of the right of speaking the truth to you. A +right which, is only granted to the dying. + +"All the good I have enjoyed in this life I have had to struggle for. I +so truly prize our mutual friendship that I will not renounce it so +easily. What would friendship be worth, if one had not the courage to +acknowledge, and defend it when attacked. How mean and false, should I +not appear in my own eyes, and in yours, if I changed in my conduct +towards you because bad or silly people accuse you of things which I +know to be untrue. I too depend on no one, in consideration of whom, I +being a girl should subject my feelings, against my convictions. + +"If my father should ever hear that in my last days I had formed a firm +friendship with a stranger, he will only think highly of the stranger +in whom his daughter confided. + +"So no more of these reflections which ought never to have troubled +you, and we will remain what we were before, good comrades. Is it not +so, my friend?" + +"Till death," he said, and pressed my hand, greatly agitated. I soon, +succeeded in cheering him again, and this happy day would have closed +harmoniously, but for an event which to be sure troubled only me. We +rode home early, as the sun so soon sets behind the mountains. Morrik +was very merry, and talked to his mule, jestingly giving it credit for +a sense of the beautiful; he stopped at the farms, and spoke to the +children and their mothers, and as we rode past a white bearded old man +whom we met panting up the hill, he stuck a paper florin in the old +peasant's hat, and was delighted with the thought of what he would say +when a passing acquaintance told him of the strange ornament. So we +reached the bridge by a shorter road, there I saw on a bench a young +Pole whom I had several times noticed, and not in the favourable sense +of the word. I had now and then met him alone, and then he had stared +at me with such a fierce look in his dark eyes that I always hurried +past him. He is evidently one of the most suffering of the strangers +here, and his passionate temper seems constantly to be in revolt +against his fate, and this inward conflict distorts his otherwise +handsome and attractive features. His strange costume, all black, with +high boots, and a fur-cap with white feathers in it, gives him a +striking appearance, which sometimes has haunted me in troubled dreams, +always menacing me with terrible looks. To-day he sat quite quietly, +and did not appear to see me. Morrik was in front as the bridge is so +narrow that two riders cannot cross it side by side, and I had to pass +close to the bench on which he was reclining apparently asleep. +Suddenly he jumped up seized the bridle of my mule, and looked at me +fixedly with piercing eyes; he wanted to speak, but only burst out in a +frantic laugh, so that my mule shied and gave such a start that it +nearly sent me flying over the parapet of the bridge. Before I had +recovered from my astonishment, he had disappeared round a turning of +the road. The guide in a fury sent a curse after him, and I had hardly +time to enforce silence on him, before we reached Morrik, to whom I +would on no account mention this singular adventure until I ascertain +whether there is any mystery concealed under it. I have written too +much, and my pulse is beating feverishly. This night I shall have to +pay for the pleasures of the day. Good night. + + + The 8th November--rain and sirocco. + +This the second day we have had of this unwholesome air in which no +patient dares to go out. It is a pity. I had anticipated the pleasure +of discussing different subjects with my newly acquired friend, which I +had refrained from doing before we had so cordially shaken hands as +comrades. Now, I must wait patiently. Strange that the solitude which +formerly seemed to me as life itself becomes only the resort of +necessity now that I have associated with a genial and intellectual +mind. I must content myself with my books and music. Every morning he +sends his servant to enquire how I feel. The ride seems to have done +him good, I still feel it in my limbs. I will write home and tell my +father of my new friend; I know it will please him. + + + The 11th November. + +Now, at last, the southern winter has commenced its mild reign, and +people say that this will continue. Yesterday I again remained out of +doors from two o'clock till sunset with Morrik on the Wassermauer, not +always conversing, as he in compliance with my request brought a book +with him. The poems of Edgar Allen Poe, he showed them to me with a +smile, saying that these were the true expositors of his own feelings +before his regeneration, as he called it. I have taken the book away +with me and have lent him instead "The wisdom of the Brahmins" by my +dear Rueckert, of which, however, one can only take in finger-tips at a +time, but every pinch of this snuff, to continue the clumsy simile, +freshens the mind and dispels congestions. + +"You really have given me a spiritual medicine," Morrik jestingly said, +"I must beg of you to go on prescribing for me, for that desperate +American had quite unsettled me." + +He told me that people had talked a great deal about our excursion to +Schoenna, and looked at me to see if that annoyed me. "Do not let us +please them by noticing it," I answered, "just as we enjoyed the +sunshine without allowing the gnats and flies that buzzed about us, to +spoil our pleasure." We have tacitly agreed never to talk about our +illness, as most people here do, and either make themselves unhappy by +it or find consolation in it, according to the warmth or coldness of +their hearts. But I often perceive that he fancies erroneously that my +health is improving, instead of which I distinctly feel the contrary. +The momentary relief which I experience is just what characterises the +approaching end in this disease. I fancy that I breathe more easily and +move with less effort. I also eat more and sleep well, probably owing +to exhaustion, which increases, though I have the illusive feeling +of more vigour and ease. As I walked home to-day--I dine at three +o'clock--I really felt hungry, but I know how it is with me. + +To-day there is at Meran besides the usual market one of those large +meat ones that take place in the autumn when the Lauben are transformed +into long rows of butcher's stalls, and butchering goes on in all the +court-yards. On every peg, there hangs the half of a pig or a calf +which is sold to the peasants, who come in great multitudes from the +Vintschgau, Passeier, and Ultner valleys, and from the different farms +in the neighbourhood. Other booths are filled with various merchandize: +iron-ware, clothes images of saints and numberless trifles. Between +these boothes the people push, press, and jostle, so that if one is not +in danger of one's life, one is at all events nearly suffocated as the +smell of the meat mingles with the fumes of bad tobacco. I have even +seen boys of ten years old walk about with short pipes in their mouths, +and the smoke hangs over the market-place like a heavy fog; the lungs +that can stand it must really be strong as healthy. I nearly fainted. +Those great strong fellows would not stir a step out of my way. +Fortunately my friend of the Kuechelberg and his Liese came to my +rescue, just when I most needed it. By plenty of vigorous elbowing he +at last got me safely through those human walls. He was again somewhat +flushed with wine, but he nevertheless appeared to me like a guardian +angel and I easily forgave him the question he jokingly asked me about +my brother or sweetheart. I could not make him understand that the +gentleman was neither the one or the other, though very dear to me. + +My landlady has just brought me in my afternoon meal. My hunger has +grown so morbid that I cannot wait till supper time. Probably these are +the last figs of this year. Thank heaven that ham and bread are not +restricted to any particular season. What if I played our old doctor +the trick of dying before the spring, and that of starvation! + + + The 19th November. + +I can hardly hold my pen, I tremble so with the agitation of this last +hour. How rashly I hoped that the weeks would glide on peaceful, and +full of sunshine like the last one; one day resembling the other. In +the forenoon, those happy hours on the Wassermauer with Morrik; the +remainder of the day, my books, and letters, or my work and my piano, +which I fancy sounds more and more melodious every time I play on it. +And now this occurrence! Moreover I cannot speak of it to any one, and +above all before my friend, before Morrik, I must appear as if nothing +had happened. Is it not all some fearful dream! Has that poor man, I +may say that madman, though he vehemently protested against the +suspicion, really spoken words to me that I could not understand, +accompanied by looks that I shudder to think of, for they seem to me to +have been more expressive than his words. I ought to have listened to +the secret misgivings which warned me against the solitary road on the +Kuechelberg, since that scene on the bridge. But I knew that Morrik was +not on the Wassermauer, and did not like to be there without him, +particularly as the band was to play on that day. + +I had walked on so totally absorbed in my own thoughts that I had +passed through the gate towards Vintschgau before I knew what I was +doing: it is still as warm there as summer is at home, and one may +saunter on through the leafless vineyards and find every now and then a +bench inviting to rest. Where my thoughts were I know not, when +suddenly he seemed to emerge from the ground, and stood by my side +holding my hand. My fright was so great that I could not utter a sound +but I fixed my eyes firmly on his face and saw that he opened his lips +with an effort. He began first in broken German, and then fluently and +vehemently in French, to excuse himself for the scene on the bridge. He +had been blinded by pain and jealousy, and would willingly cut off the +hand that had seized the bridle of my mule, if by so doing he could +obtain my forgiveness. While he spoke I vainly tried to free my hand +from his grasp. I looked around but no one was to be seen, the road was +deserted. This roused my pride, and my courage; I drew back my hand, +and could at last ask him what authorized him to speak in that way to a +stranger. He was silent for some time, and a violent conflict seemed to +rage within him. Every nerve of his face twitched convulsively. What he +at last said I _will_ forget, I listened to it as if it were not +addressed to me. _Could_ it be addressed to _me_, whom he did not know, +with whom he had never exchanged a word? Is a passion that is roused by +a figure gliding past like a shadow, by one who is inwardly dead, and +only outwardly has a semblance of life; is not that passion but a freak +of madness; and is a madman responsible for the words he utters? Only +when he threatened Morrik, I began to think such an insanity dangerous, +and not merely to be pitied. I do not know what I said to him, but I +saw that it made a deep impression on him. Suddenly he took off his +high black cap with the feathers in it, and stood humbly before me; +"Vous avez raison, Madame," he said in a deep thrilling voice which +before had had a harsh hoarse tone in it. "Pardonnez-moi, j'ai perdu la +tete." Then he bowed and walked across the fields towards the level +part of the country, where I could for some time distinguish his dark +figure moving among the willows. + +After having written all this, it seems to me that I look upon what has +passed with more calmness; and compassion gets the better of my +indignation. I looked at myself in the glass and could still less +understand it. It will also always remain a mystery to me how such a +scene could take place between two natures one of whom did not feel the +slightest inclination for the other, who on his part made impetuous +attempts to draw near. I know that not only affinities draw characters +towards each other but also contraries; but can indifference also have +that power? The longer I think of it the more clearly I perceive that +his mind must be deranged. I will, after all, mention it to Morrik, for +who can say to what I may not expose myself if I should a second time +encounter this madman, defenceless, and fright should paralyze the +self-possession which I need to subdue him. + + + Several days later. + +The pain of mentioning this dreadful encounter to my friend has been +spared me. It would certainly have agitated him, the more so, that he +has been much less cheerful lately, and often walks quite absently +beside me. + +The poor young man whom I dreaded will never again cross my path. His +clouded mind is now brightened by the light of heaven. This morning +when my landlady came to me, she told me that a young Pole had died in +the night. The description she gave me of his person is exactly that of +the poor madman. A hemorrage had carried him off in the night and he +was found dead in the morning. I now reproach myself with having spoken +too harshly to him, but I had no other weapon than my words. If they +were too sharp and wounded him more deeply than the offence demanded, +the alarm of that moment may excuse me, and the fact that I did not +immediately perceive the state of his mind. + + + Evening. + +Tired, agitated, and in conflict with myself. + +To-day when I met Morrik, I welcomed my dear friend with particular +pleasure, after these last painful days. He told me without laying much +stress on it--for here one is accustomed to the disappearance of some +known face--of the sudden death, and asked me if I remembered the +handsome young man. I said: no, and then felt heavy at heart as though +I had committed some crime. In vain I tried to persuade myself that by +this untruth, I had cut short any further conversation on the subject, +and perhaps the necessity of telling other falsehoods, I cannot get rid +of the painful feeling that I have wronged my friend who has so much +right to hear the truth. I shall again have a bad night, and shall not +be able to rest till I have confessed all to him, and begged his +pardon. + + + The next day--I believe it to be the 23rd, + cold and foggy.-- + +I am severely punished. The cold prevents his walking out. Now I must +wait patiently till to-morrow comes, or perhaps till the day after. It +has become quite a necessity with me, not to let the least breath of +untruth, or misunderstanding come between us. + +Edgar Allan Poe with his morbid discontents; his bitter and hopeless +sarcasms, is now congenial to me. There is a frame of mind when wisdom +is repugnant to us, as a bowl of sweet milk is to a man in a fever. +Only that.... + + + Two hours later. + +Are calm and peace really only words void of meaning in this troubled +world? Cannot even those retain them inwardly who had won them. I begin +to think that I should not be secure from the events, and storms, which +harass my last moments, even were I shut up in a walled in tower, where +the ravens brought me my food through the barred windows. If no other +catastrophe were possible, an earthquake would root up my place of +concealment, and break through the walls, and I should be again cast +out into the world among strangers, whose affection would distress me, +when I had ceased to care for their aversion. + +A visitor disturbed me this morning; the last person in Meran whom I +should have expected to see in my room! No less a personage than the +Burghermeister of the town. He came to spare me the disagreeable +surprise of a solemn summons, and disclosed to me that he had been +entrusted with a letter for me, and with the testament of the writer, +who names me his sole heiress. + +I looked helplessly at the Burghermeister. The thought of my father's +death did not occur to me. If this dreadful event were to happen; if I +should lose him before my hour had arrived, at least the pain of +inheriting from him would be spared me. But who in the whole world--? + +I glanced at the letter which the Burghermeister had with some +hesitation laid on the table, and saw a handwriting that was quite +unknown to me. "I don't know this handwriting," I said wonderingly, +though a sudden misgiving seized me, as I remarked that the direction +was in French. My evident astonishment seemed to relieve him. He +probably had supposed that a more intimate acquaintance had existed +between me, and the writer of the letter, and was prepared for a +painful scene. "Do you wish to read the letter now or later?" he asked. +I opened it at once, and read it with a beating heart but without any +outward show of emotion, at least I believe so. The letter was filled +with the rhapsodies which I had before spurned from me with horror. +They were hardly subdued by the approach of death, though the +unfortunate man must have felt it coming. I have not as yet deciphered +much of it. The indistinct French hand seems to have trembled at every +stroke with violent emotion. + +But not a word of the legacy; only wretchedness and accusations against +fate which had rent asunder the fetters of passion, instead of +loosening them; confused tumultuous words, and ideas, written in order +to lighten the burden of one heart, and to weigh down the other with +it. + +When I had laid down the letter, the kindly old gentleman turned to me, +and seemed to ask for an explanation which I could not give. When I had +told him that I was just as much astonished as he was, he departed, +leaving me a copy of the will for further consideration, but he +seriously advised me not to refuse so considerable a property in the +first moment of excitement, though I was of age, and need not consult +the wishes of my father. He would call again in a few days. + +I will take a walk, I feel as if I could no longer remain in the room +with those papers; as if they impregnated the air with the fever heat +from whence they proceeded. I did not even require to read them a +second time to come to a decision; I--, or the poor of Meran--can there +be a doubt which of us will outlive the other, and will need the +fortune most. + + + In the Afternoon. + +Truly this is a disastrous day. I wish it were past. Who can tell what +the evening may bring! + +I went out with the foolish hope of meeting Morrik, instead of whom, I +encountered all the strange though well known faces in the winter +garden. I can generally now pass them with indifference, but they were +this day again to wound me deeply. + +I perceived that they laid their heads together and whispered as I went +by. On one of the benches sat the young _chronique scandaleuse_ whom I +have long ceased to bow to, as she tosses her head whenever I come near +her. The place beside her was the only unoccupied one, but hardly had I +sat down, when up she started and moved towards another bench, begging +two ladies to make room for her. The blood rushed to my face but I was +not conquered. At last the life preserver, who had not deigned to +address a word to me for weeks past, rustled into the arbour. This time +her heart was too full; she came up to me and said, so loudly that +every one could hear her, "Well my dear, I suppose we are to +congratulate you. The young Pole has bequeathed to you, his large +fortune. Poor young man! To be sure you always kept _him_ at a great +distance. It is no wonder that he soon died. It is really quite +touching that even after his death he offered his broken heart to you." + +"You are mistaken," I said. "I have not accepted the legacy which was +only left to me by the error of an unsound mind. But even if it had +been clearly the intention of the deceased to appoint me his heiress, I +would not have accepted it. I am not moved, either by the kindness, or +the malevolence of strangers, but generally turn my back on both." Then +I quietly read on. There was a great silence in the arbour, and I could +hear the quicker breathing of the fat old lady without nerves, as well +as that of the little lady who hates me. I did not take any further +notice of what they whispered and tittered around me, only I several +times distinguished the name of Morrik, purposely pronounced very +distinctly. Even that cannot hurt me. But as I walked home, shivering +in the damp foggy air, and feeling inwardly as sunless and gloomy as +the sky was outwardly. I should have liked a good hearty cry. I feel so +weary, that not even tears will flow. Life, happiness, sorrow, +everything, seems stagnant within me. + + + The 25th November. + +And now this! this verily is the last drop in the cup of bitterness. +This blow strikes at the very roots, and no storm is needed to level to +the ground the falling tree a child could overturn it. And that this +blow should come from the hand, from which I least expected it. That +just where I had hoped to ease my heart, I have brought it back more +heavy still. To-day I at last found him on the Wassermauer. The sun +shone brightly; I felt revived and hoped to gain peace and relief from +the conversation I had so long wished for. I thought I could easily +explain to him this last occurrence, and I was not disappointed; he +smiled when I told him how sorry I was for my want of truth towards +him. He took my hand and before releasing it he pressed it to his lips. +I felt strangely moved. He had heard of the legacy of the young Pole +but had never doubted that I would refuse it. Everything now I thought +was smoothed and settled, and I cast a grateful look at the sun as if +his kindly beams had cleared it all. + +How came it that we again turned to that unlucky theme? Alas it was my +fault. I wished to convince him more fully still that my feelings for +the poor madman had always been cool, and indifferent; so I began again +by saying, how the bare thought of that meeting filled me with horror; +how inexcusable it was to let people who were so evidently deranged +walk about unwatched. He looked straight before him, and said: "You are +mistaken dear Marie, he was not more deranged than I am who sit beside +you, and I hope I do not inspire you with fear. He even has the +advantage over me, for he has eased his heart of the burden which still +oppresses mine." + +"I do not understand you," I replied, and I spoke the truth. + +"Then I will continue silent;" what good could speaking do me? + +After a pause: "But no, why should I remain silent you might then only +fancy something worse. Is it so contemptible, if a few steps from the +grave we once more look back on life, and there perceive a happiness +which would render it loveable and worth having if only it were not too +late, and if then one grows distracted with misery and longing, and +with rage against fate? If though dying one longs to press to one's +heart the dear one who is denied to us, and breathe our last breath on +her lips? That is what happened to the poor lad who now sleeps a +dreamless sleep--and so...." He paused and looked at me. There was not +a soul to be seen underneath the poplars and he again took my hand. +"You tremble! before me too," he said. "Forget my words." + +I could not speak. I felt that my last and best happiness was +destroyed; the harmless confidence, the warm cheerful intercourse to +which my heart clung. Again I was alone, I felt it must be so, if I +would not add remorse to my other sufferings. "I will go home," I said, +"I feel unwell; you must remain here, and enjoy the sunshine which +makes my head ache to-day, I will write a few lines to you in the +afternoon to tell you, if I feel better." Then I rose, gave him my hand +for the last time; entreated him by a look to say no more, and left +him. + +I will see if I can collect my thoughts sufficiently to write to him. + + + In the Evening. + +I lay the copy of my letter to him between these leaves, and feel +relieved now that it is over; physically relieved, but the weight on my +heart still oppresses me. This is the letter: + + + "Meran, the 25th November. + + "My dear friend! + +"Let me to-day, bid you farewell for the last time in this world, and +express my hope of a happy meeting in the next, towards which we are +tending. It will be easier for both of us to take leave of each other +now, while we are still under the impression of a pure and friendly +intercourse, than it would be later when we should have felt that we do +not agree in higher matters, and this I fear would sooner, or later +have been the case, for your last words still sadden and dishearten me, +as I never thought words spoken by my dear friend could have done. + +"How I wish we still lived in the past; then I was happy and hoped that +you were so. Why did you speak, why could we not calmly have awaited +our destiny, and stood firmly by each other as true comrades till the +end came. + +"I hope that this calm and premature farewell, though it may cause you +a momentary pain, will in time soften your thoughts, and give you back +the clear-sightedness with which we a short time ago looked on the +past, and hoped for the future. We cannot avoid meeting now and then; +let us pass one another with a silent bow, as if already we were +shadows moving in a higher sphere. + +"I need not tell you that I shall always retain the warmest friendship +for you, and I beg you to keep yours for me, though at one time it +seemed overshadowed by darker passions. + +"Farewell my dear friend; show me that these words, which come from the +heart, are understood, by not answering them." + + "Marie." + + + The last of November. + +I long for snow and ice for the cold winter air of my home. This sun +that shines day after day in the clear blue November sky makes my eyes +and my heart ache. This morning I woke with a pleasant surprise; it had +snowed in the night and the soft snow still lay unsullied, and pure on +the roofs and on the road. Now it has melted away, and only a few +traces of it are left. People again walk about in light cloaks, and +with dry feet under the leafless poplars. + +My father wrote yesterday that he fully approves of my decision +regarding the legacy. I immediately informed the Burghermeister of +this, and have already received a vote of thanks from the +administration of the poorhouse funds, which I would willingly have +dispensed with. I now write rarely in this journal. One day resembles +the other; they are like the leaves of a tree in the late autumn; all +of them are brown, only one falls to the earth sooner than another. + + + The 1st of December--at Night. + +A shooting festival has taken place and enlivened the quiet town of +Meran. Early in the morning I was awakened by the band of music which +accompanied the shooters from the Sandplatz in front of the Post to the +targets. Then the whole day long the report of the rifles was heard and +made me feel quite nervous, and later the shouts and jodles of the +peasants who arrived rather the worse for wine. In the evening +fireworks were displayed on the left bank of the Passer, and it was +very pretty to see the population of the town, and the strangers +walking up and down, and enjoying the mild air by the light of torches +which were placed along the Wassermauer. Then a strong sirocco arose, +and wildly swept the rockets across the water, made the torches +flicker, and drove the spectators into their houses by bringing on the +rain. I saw the spectacle from my window, and remained there till the +last spark had died out in the dark starless night. + +How long it is now since I have spoken to any one except to the people +of the house where I lodge. The wish that my lips might be closed for +ever grows stronger every day. Oh for an hour of the cheerful, +confidential talk I once enjoyed with Morrik, and then to go to sleep +and dream that same dream on to Eternity! But I must endure till my +time comes. + + + The 4th December. + +When my time has come, shall I find courage to resist my longing to see +him once more, and in spite of my resolve, bid adieu to life with my +eyes fixed on his. I think he too would wish it, whatever his present +thoughts may be regarding my sudden rupture with him. Sometimes the +idea torments me that he may have possibly misunderstood my letter and +think that I drew back because I feared gossip. I should like to tell +him once more that this is not the case; that I only did it for his +sake, for his peace of mind, and indeed for mine also. + +How is he now? Can he walk out? Who will help him to bear the long +solitude of the day. I am truly grateful to him for having granted my +wish in not having answered my letter. Still something seems missing in +my life, now that I no longer see him, and cannot judge for myself +whether he is cheerful or melancholy; how he bears his sufferings, what +he reads, what he thinks--his thoughts even, I could once read in his +face, his countenance is so clear and open. + +Yesterday I met his servant. The faithful creature bowed to me; I +should have liked to ask him how his master was; however it is better +not. + + + The 11th. + +Took a walk to the Zenoburg; that dear walk of former days, but not +with my former spirits. As I passed by the house where he lodges, he +was just coming out; he perceived me and stood still and motionless to +let me pass. I dared not look at him, but the first glance told me that +he had become pale and grave--nearly as much so as when I first saw +him. He did not bow, but remained in the shade of the doorway as if +fearing to frighten me; so I passed him with my eyes fixed on the +pavement. + +The hill seemed much steeper to me than when I walked up the first +time--probably I have grown weaker--and _then_ I was happy. What is it +that hinders me from being so again, in spite of all my efforts and +self-command. Is it merely compassion for him, and the want of that +intercourse which had become a necessity to me. No, it is not that +alone; it is as if I had been infringing on some duty. But how could I +have acted differently? Can one trifle with the hopes and happiness of +this life, when death is so near. + + + The 16th December--Evening. + +A trying but pleasant day has passed. I have packed a small +Christmasbox which I intend to send home. When all the trifles I had +worked for my father, Ernest, and my step-mother were laid together; +the pretty wood carvings, the picture of Meran, and the figure of a +Saltner which I had dressed up for Ernest as like the real ones as +possible, I was as happy as a child with its own Christmas presents. +And then the packing of it all; as the box was not quite filled, I +crammed in all I could get hold of; some pomegranates, a box filled +with dried figs, another one with chesnuts, and one of those sweet +Christmas-cakes made of honey and raisins. The box will tell its own +tale of Meran. + +My landlord's apprentice carried the box to the post. Then for the +first time for several weeks, I walked on the Wassermauer. The +strangers sat on the benches as they had always done, only foot-rugs +had become more general. Morrik arrived soon after me. This time we +silently exchanged salutations as had been agreed between us. He looked +kindly and calmly at me probably to see whether I appeared well and +cheerful. I was much heated by my Christmas packing. When I got home I +looked at myself in the glass and perceived that it was only a +transient flush of agitation, perhaps of pleasure. Now that we have +again met so unconstrainedly I fancy that the future will seem easier +to me. I need only imagine that I never exchanged a word with him but +that I have simply read a story in which one of the characters had +attracted me--that I now meet a stranger whose face recalls my idea of +this character, and therefore that I take great interest in him. We did +not sit down beside each other. I walked several times up and down the +Wassermauer with a lady who was very kind to me, inquired why I had so +persistently remained at home, and then told me all about herself and +her children, from whom she had been separated for the sake of +tranquillity. Tears started to her eyes as she said. "To be separated +from those dear to us in order to enjoy quiet and peace of mind!" Oh +you good doctors! what bad physicians for the soul you are. + + + Christmas Eve. + +What am I to think of this! An hour ago a Christmas-tree beautifully +decorated with oranges, pomegranites, and sweet meats, and covered with +wax-lights was brought into the room by my landlady. The tree is so +high that I was obliged to place it on the floor and yet it nearly +reaches the ceiling. A strange maidservant brought it, my landlady +tells me, and would on no account say from whom it came. I have now lit +all the tapers and am writing by their light, after having given my +landlady's children some Christmas-presents, for the people here never +have Christmas-trees. + +Now that I am again alone, I ransack my brain to find out who could +have sent the tree. The kind lady who may also feel the want of +Christmas joys, and Christmas lights? But surely she would have written +a letter to say so, and then our acquaintance is so short. Many other +kind faces have passed by me in my daily walks, but to whom of these +would it have occurred to brighten my Christmas eve. I must confess +that in my first irritation, I wronged many of them, and might +certainly have found some pleasing acquaintances among them, if my +first longing for solitude had not expressed itself so repellantly. Now +no one would willingly speak to me. + +Can the tree have come from _him_? but that would be contrary to our +agreement. One who must and will keep silence cannot offer presents. It +is easier to give than to receive silently, and yet how is it possible +to express one's thanks after having already bid farewell. + +The more I think of it the more uneasy I become. It is not all as it +should be; something unnatural and indefinable seems to have come +between us; something pernicious that would revenge itself on us. + +Here come letters from my dear ones, from home! But I must first put +out the tapers and light my little lamp. Some of the twigs are already +crackling and glimmering. The last spark has died out on my last +Christmas-tree. The church bells are ringing while I am writing these +lines by the light of the moon which is now keeping me company, my lamp +having died out. + + + December the 28th. + +We have met again, our hands have touched, and our eyes have +encountered each other; but what a sorrowful meeting. The vengeance I +expected has come. + +The program of a concert was brought to my lodgings. A player on the +cither was going to perform in the Assembly rooms at the Post. I am no +longer displeased at being roused from my own thoughts; so I went, as I +very much like the cither, and have always wished to hear a virtuoso +perform on it. When I arrived the first piece had begun, and only three +seats in the front row were unoccupied; they seemed to have been kept +for some expected personage of distinction: I found myself compelled to +take one of these seats of honour, and did not do so, unwillingly for +the tone of the instrument was rather low, and there too, I could +observe the movement of the performer's hands. The air soon became +oppressive; the heat of the stove, the crowded room and its low ceiling +all combined to make it so. I was much flurried at first, but I soon +grew calm, and listened with delight to the charming and touching +sounds. Suddenly the door was opened softly and quietly, and Morrik +entered. He stopped when he saw the room filled, but did not like to +turn back. Some gentlemen near the door pointed out to him the empty +seat beside me. He slowly moved up the room, and arriving at my side, +sat down with a slight inclination of the head. My breath stopped and I +feared he would perceive the trembling which seized me, as the arm of +his chair touched mine; however he appeared to be much calmer than I +was, and to listen to the music with more attention; so after a time I +mastered my agitation, and listened too, absorbed in an exquisite and +sweet reverie. I felt as if the melody were a celestial atmosphere in +which our mutual thoughts and feelings rose and intermingled; a +harmonious communion of soul with soul banishing all that had hitherto +divided estranged and tormented us. I cannot describe how this sort of +visionary dream comforted me. I felt persuaded that the same thoughts +touched him also. Our eyes were fixed on the cither, and yet it seemed +as if they met in one long book. + +Even the applause and shouts of bravo! hardly roused us from this +ecstasy. The pauses between the pieces only lasted for a few minutes, +and at the end of one of them the cither-player put by his cither, and +brought out an enormous instrument which he called the divine Kikilira, +explaining in a few words that it was an instrument peculiar to the +Tyrol, and had been constructed by a simple peasant. It is a sort of +wooden harmonium--the notes are formed of very hard wood, and the tones +are produced from them, by the sharp and rapid blows of two small +hammers. It has a harsh shrill sound, and one could hardly have found +an instrument more opposite to the cither. It rudely put to flight all +my exalted thoughts and feelings, and seemed to outrage my very soul. I +would willingly have left the room, had I not been afraid of offending +the performer. I feared for Morrik, for I knew how exceedingly +sensitive he was with regard to every noise. I slightly glanced at him. +He sat with closed eyes his head reclining on his right arm, as if +trying to shield himself from this sudden attack. + +All at once I perceived that his lips grew still paler, his eyes opened +partially and lost all expression; then his head sank heavily against +the back of his chair. + +Several of the audience also observed this, yet no one moved to assist +the fainting man. I fancied, judging by the scornful expression on +their faces, that they with malicious pleasure, purposely left this +benevolent charge to me. I got up and begged the performer to stop, as +a gentleman was unwell. I sprinkled his forehead with eau de cologne +which I always carry with me, and let him inhale the vivifying perfume. +Part of the company had risen, but none of them left their places: +it was only to observe the spectacle more at their case. Only the +cither-player came to me, and helped me to support Morrik, when his +senses had returned; and to lead him the few steps to the door. Once +out of the room, where the fresh December-wind blew across his face, he +recovered completely. He looked inquiringly at me, then remembered what +had occurred and leant slightly on my arm as I led him down stairs. "I +thank you;" was all he said, and we walked on together as his servant +was nowhere to be found. I accompanied him up the _kleine_ Lauben, as +the street leading past the Post is called, and as far as the church +from whence we could see his lodgings. "Do you feel better?" I asked. +He bowed his head and made a movement as though he now wished to walk +alone. Ere we parted he pressed my hand endeavoured to repress a sigh, +and silently turned towards the house. I watched him till he had +reached the door; he walked with firm slow steps, and did not once look +back. When he had disappeared, I too went home. + +I feel so overcome by this event that I must lie down; my head is +nearly bursting with pain, and when I close my eyes the harsh hammering +sound of that wooden instrument, which surely has received the name of +"divine" in derision, rushes wildly into my ears, and I feel feverish +and exhausted from the heat and oppressive air of the room. + + + The 11th January. + +A fortnight of sickness and suffering, during which I did not open a +book or play a note on the piano--It was only a slight influenza, sleep +and diet have pulled me through--though one night when the fever +tormented me with horrible visions, I was on the point of calling in a +doctor, as my landlady constantly urged me to do. The people here have +great faith in medicines. I am glad that I can now again stand on my +feet, and owe it to no one but myself. I will venture on my first walk +to-day. The air is cold, but still, and the sun is so powerful that I +can boldly open my casement. I long to hear something about Morrik; but +whom can I ask. + + + The same day. + +My presentiment was right; the visions in my feverish dreams spoke the +truth. He is seriously ill with typhus fever. He has been laid up ever +since that concert and sometimes the fever is so bad that he lies +unconscious for hours. I met his doctor just at the gate of the town, +and mustered courage to ask him for news of Morrik; and what good would +restraint do me; it would only be ridiculous for does not everyone +already know that I led him out of the concert-room, and across the +streets and is not my show of interest very innocent, though +unfortunately it may seem improper. The doctor looked very grave and I +should have liked to detain him, and extract from him a decided answer +to my question as to whether there was any immediate danger, but just +then one of his patients accosted him, and our conversation was broken +off. With what feelings I sat down on the sunny bench, and gazed at the +water, watching the logs of wood floating down the stream, and swept +away by the force of the current every time they tried to cling to a +stone. And is it not so with us poor human creatures; do we not float +down the stream of life! and are the happy moments we enjoy anything +better than a short rest on a cliff from which we are severed by the +first passing wave.--Oh, come peace, come! My heart will break with its +stormy throbbing. How shall I be able every morning to endure the pain +of imagining him dying, and of not being able to watch for his every +breath! Oh heavens! and has it come to this, that I must see him leave +this world before me; I who never dreamt of such a possibility. + + + January, the 12th--Evening. + +At last I have gained my point; and the calm I now feel amply +compensates me for the struggle I have had to endure. I have just come +from his lodgings where I have passed the day with him, and shall do so +again to-morrow, and all the days that are yet granted to him. + +How I passed this night, God to whom I prayed in my calmer moments +alone knows. In those dark hours, when sorrow and hopelessness took +away all feeling of _His_ presence, and of my own strength, life, time, +eternity whirled about in my giddy brain just like the helpless logs of +wood tossed by the waves. + +In the morning I begged the landlady to go to his lodgings and enquire +how he had passed the night. She told me that a stout elderly lady with +fair ringlets had opened the door of Mr. Morrik's sitting-room--He lay +in the adjoining room and talked so loud in his fever that one could +hear him distinctly from the outside. The lady asked who had sent her, +and on hearing who it was, had made a wry face, and sent her away with +the information that there was no change. + +This was a terrible blow to me. I knew what he thought of the +professional philanthropy of the life preserver, and that he had always +purposely avoided her. And now there was she listening to his feverish +talk, and plaguing him with her officiousness in his lucid intervals. I +could not bear the thought. + +It was early in the morning when I ascended the stairs of his lodgings, +fully determined not to let any consideration, except what was +necessary for his welfare and tranquillity, prevail over me. My courage +only deserted me for a moment when on knocking at the door a shrill +hard voice called out, "Come in." All my coolness and presence of mind +returned however, when I felt the cold lustreless eyes resting on me, +with a severe rebuking expression; and with a quiet voice I said that I +had come myself to have news of him, as the information of my landlady +did not suffice me. Before she had time to answer Morrik called out my +name from the inner room. "I will go myself," I said, "and ask the +sufferer how he feels. He seems to have recovered his senses." + +"Mr. Morrik receives no one," she said, "and your visit would be +against all propriety, a reason, to be sure, which is of little +importance to you?" "At the death-bed of a friend, certainly not," I +replied. He called a second time "Marie;" so opening the folding that +led to his bedroom, I entered without a moment's hesitation. + +The small room looked dark, as the only window opened on the narrow, +gloomy street, and was partly covered by a curtain; still it was light +enough for me to see that his pale face was brightened by a ray of +pleasure when I entered. He stretched out his hot hand, and tried to +lift his head. "You have come!" he whispered, "I cannot tell you how +your presence relieves me. Do not go away again, Marie, I cannot spare +you, my time is so short. The lady out there, you know whom I mean, her +very voice pains me; her presence seems like a nightmare to me, but I +cannot bring myself to tell her so. I tried to hint to her that I +preferred remaining alone, but she answered that: patients were not +allowed to have a will of their own. Please remain with me, when you +are here I shall see and hear no one but you, and I promise never to +annoy you again." + +He talked on in this strain in so low and hurried a voice, that the +tears sprang to my eyes. I pressed his hand warmly and promised to do +all he wished. His face brightened in a moment. Then he lay quite still +and closed his eyes, so that I believed him to be asleep but when I +tried to draw away my hand, he glanced at me with a sad and pleading +look. At the end of half an hour, he really slept. I returned again to +the sitting-room where the lady sat on the sofa. She was knitting in +great wrath, and the poor meshes had to suffer for my offence. I +perceived that there was no time to be lost, so I told her with as much +consideration for her feelings as I could, that the patient was very +grateful to her for her kindness, but that he would not trouble her any +longer as I was going to nurse him with the help of his servant and of +the people who lodged him. "_You_, my dear?" she slowly asked, casting +an annihilating look at me. + +"Certainly," I replied quietly; "among all the visitors here I am the +nearest acquaintance Mr. Morrik has, and so we should both think it +strange if I left the duty of nursing him to an entire stranger, who +moreover has so many other charitable duties to fulfil." + +She stared at me as though my mind were wandering. + +"Is it possible," she at last said, "that you do not feel, that by this +step you will for ever ruin your already so much damaged reputation. +Are you related to him? Are you an old woman, who is above suspicion; +or are you in need of a nurse for yourself, my dear?" + +"I am perfectly aware of what I can do, and what I can answer for," I +said, "I regret that our opinions on the subject differ, but I cannot +change mine. I shall remain here; and certainly I cannot hinder you +from doing the same. Do not be uneasy about my reputation; I believe I +told you once before that I have closed with this world, and submitting +the case to a higher judge, I hope to be acquitted." She arose, took +her bonnet and said: "You will not expect me to remain in the same room +with a young lady whose moral principles so widely differ from mine, +and to sanction by my presence an intimacy which in every respect I +hold to be most reprehensible. Nothing remains for me but to hear from +the patient's own lips whether he desires my departure. If the doctor +should sanction this continual emotion for a patient suffering from +typhus fever, it is no business of mine." + +With these words, she moved towards the folding doors, but I quietly +stopped her and said: "Mr. Morrik sleeps, so I beg of you not to +disturb him; and from this sleep you may gain the tranquillizing +assurance, that my presence is rather beneficial to him than +otherwise." + +After these words we only exchanged a silent and formal curtsey, the +door closed on the deeply offended lady and a load fell from my heart. +I opened the door of the balcony which also leads into the garden, to +let out the odour of acetic ether which the lady without nerves had +brought here too. Then I looked round my new domain, and it pleased me +much. What a difference between this elegant, handsomely furnished, and +lofty apartment, and my own small room with its scanty furniture. Here, +his writing-table loaded with all the luxury of portfolios, inkstands, +and different trinkets; there, the shelves with his finely bound books; +the comfortable arm-chair, and above all the pleasure of breathing the +fresh air merely by stepping out on the balcony shaded by awnings from +whence a few steps lead into the garden. How sunny, sheltered, and +secluded it looked down there; only the splash of the fountain was +heard, and the lullaby song of a nurse who sat on a bench with a pretty +baby in her arms. + +I was so charmed with the peace of this abode that I actually forgot +who was lying in the next room in a feverish slumber. I was shocked at +having been led for a moment into this obliviousness. I stepped to the +door and listened. He called "Marie" in a low voice. When I looked in, +he said: "I heard all; you are my guardian angel; I owe you the first +refreshing slumber I have had for a fortnight."--"Sleep on," I replied, +"you are not to speak. Cheer up, and dream pleasantly." He nodded +faintly, and again closed his eyes. + +In the afternoon the doctor came. Him, at least, I must exempt from the +accusation I recently brought against all doctors; that of being bad +physicians for the soul. When I told him why I had remained, he smiled. +Has Morrik spoken to him of me? I do not think so. But what pleased him +more even than the departure of the life preserver, whose beneficial +influence on the nerves, he evidently doubts, was the fact that Morrik +had slept for three hours and that his pulse was calmer. + +When I accompanied him to the door, and ventured to ask him what he +thought would be the end of this illness, he shrugged his shoulders. +"The danger has not yet passed," was all he said. I had thought so. + +At seven o'clock I walked home; the servant watches by him during the +night. He slept when I went away, and did not even feel my hand when I +touched his before leaving. I will sleep now; I want to be at my post +early in the morning. For a long time I have not felt so peaceful and +calm as this evening. Now nothing can again estrange us. + + + The 13th. + +He woke in the night, and immediately asked for me. The servant could +hardly quiet him with the assurance that I would certainly return in +the morning. I found him much agitated; only after a long explanation, +in which he followed me with difficulty, did I succeed in convincing +him, that it must be so, that it was necessary that the day and night +watches should be relieved. "But if I should die in the night?" he +asked. "Then you will send for me, and I will come to you instantly." +When I had promised this, he went to sleep again. He does not eat a +morsel and his hands are fearfully thin. + +I am more convinced than ever that my presence tranquillizes him. The +afternoon passed very quietly. We did not speak to each other, but the +door between the two rooms was left open, so that he could see the +light of my lamp, and watch my shadow on the wall; he had expressly +desired this. + +I read for a long time, and listened to his breathing. No other sound +reached me. Only when I had to give him his medicines I went to him. +Then he always had some gay and affectionate words to say to me, but +without any tone of passion in them. + +"She is a fairy," he said to the doctor, "she makes even death appear a +festival to me. Formerly, doctor, I always felt inclined to say to you: +'That thou doest, do quickly.' But now it is of great moment to me that +you should prolong my life for a few days. I can never have enough, +even of your horrid potions, now that a good spirit gives them to me." + + + The 15th. + +Yesterday I could not write. He was much worse. To-day he is, at least, +not worse still; what a sad consolation! The hard frost continues. The +fountain in the garden is covered with ice, and not a flake of snow to +soften the piercing air, and to relieve the chest. I long for snow, for +I am convinced that he will not be better till the air softens. To-day +I stood for hours at his bedside, and he did not recognize me. In his +delirium, he talked of people and countries unknown to me, and then I +saw how little we really know of each other; and yet a moment later +when he called me by name, I felt how near and dear I was to him, and +that we do know of each other our best feelings and thoughts. All that +is really worth knowing. + + + The 19th January, 5 o'clock in the morning. + +I have just come home after four and twenty sleepless hours, and yet I +feel that no sleep is possible for me till my feelings are more calm +and collected, and I have expressed them in these leaves. I feel like +one who has been blind, and who struck by the first ray of light, +is made aware of his happiness by a dazzling pain. I will try to +speak connectedly, though what is the meaning of beginning, middle, +end--what is the significance of these words, when eternity has mingled +with time; when dying, one awakens to a new life, which is subject to +time, yet still bears the impress of eternity. + +These are but weak and unconnected words, and I wished to speak +clearly. + +The days which have passed since I last wrote have been so sad that I +could not speak of them. Yesterday evening when the doctor came quite +late, I had sent for him as my anxiety increased every hour, he did not +conceal his fears. "We must bring on a crisis," he said, "or he is +lost." They put him in a tepid bath and dashed cold water over him. +This excited him to such a degree that even through the closed doors, I +heard his groans and his loud and unintelligible exclamations. When he +had been again laid in his bed the doctor came to me. "I will remain +with him during the night," said the excellent man; "any blunder about +applications of ice might be of fatal consequence. You must go home and +rest, the day has been too fatiguing for you," I told him that even at +home I should find no rest, and would rather remain and watch with him. +He did not press me further as he saw that I was quite decided. Had I +not given my promise to Morrik that I would not be absent when his end +was approaching. So I sat down in an arm-chair at his writing-table and +took up a book only for the sake of holding on to something--to read +was impossible; for that a clear mind is required, and mine was clouded +over with a dark shadow, and all my attention was rivetted on the +sick-room where the doctor sat by his bed changing the compresses +himself, and only now and then giving the servant some order in a low +voice. The moans and the rambling indistinct words which broke from +those feverish lips cut me to the heart; this is still his voice I +thought, and these are, perhaps, the last words that he will ever speak +to me. I cannot understand their meaning, nor does he himself. Oh, what +a leave taking! + +I will not dwell on this scene; the remembrance, even, of that dreadful +time makes me shudder. We heard the hours strike from the church-tower; +ten, eleven o'clock, midnight.--In the next room stillness now +prevailed. I kept in my breath and listened anxiously, questioning +myself if this were a good or a bad sign. I tried to rise and creep to +the door to hear if he yet breathed, but I found that the agony of the +last hours had nearly paralyzed me, and I could not move. Or was it +only that I could not muster courage and nerve myself sufficiently to +face the dreadful certainty. + +Strange! I had thought myself quite familiarized with death, even if it +should approach the bedside of my dearest friend. And now, instead of +calmly facing it, I shivered with fear like a child in the dark. + +I know not if I could have endured these feelings much longer without +fainting, especially as I had not swallowed a morsel the whole of that +day. At last, just as my strength was giving way the bedroom door +opened, and the doctor came out quietly. "He is saved." + +The shock these words gave me was so great that I burst into a fit of +hysterical tears. The doctor sat down opposite me and said: "You weep, +Mademoiselle, and perhaps the word 'saved,' seems to you only as a +bitter mockery, when coupled with the name of a patient whose life was +despaired of before this last illness seized him. But it is just on +this illness that I found my hope of saving him. Nature has risked a +bold experiment and has succeeded. It is not the first time that I have +observed her employ this admirable device by which she first kindles a +conflict in the nervous and blood systems; and then summoning the last +vital powers, she combines all her forces to drive away the enemy who +had taken entire possession of the citadel. Now you will see that our +friend, if his convalescence after this fever proceeds without any +disturbance, will make rapid progress towards the full recovery of his +former health, which was once with reason despaired of. Now I can +safely send him to Venice in March, without any fear of his catching +the typhus there, as this fever seldom seizes the same person twice. +The soft sea air will be most beneficial to his lungs; and though I +never meddle with prophecies, I can say, almost with certainty, that +in this case--taking it for granted that no outward disturbance +occurs--our patient will in less than a year be as strong and healthy +as ever." + +A slight noise in the inner room, called the doctor again to his post. + +He stayed away only a few minutes, but at least I had time to become +more collected before he returned. Can I acknowledge even to myself +that this great revolution in all my ideas startled me more than it +pleased me? So he was to live, and I firmly believing that he was to +follow me into another world had as fully taken possession of his soul +as if it were written that we should only be separated for a short +time, and would part with the mutual wish of: A happy death to you! +instead of a happy life to you! + +Fortunately this selfish regret only lasted till the doctor returned, +and I could say with a heart full of pure joy and gratitude, Thank God, +he will live! He will once more enjoy his youth, his strength, his +plans, and his hopes! When the doctor was again beside me he said, +"They are both asleep: both master and servant. I settled the poor +fellow, who certainly has been greatly fatigued, more comfortably in +his armchair and he did not awake. It seems as if he knew that he is no +longer wanted, now that the crisis has passed, and nature herself has +taken charge of nursing the patient. I advise you to follow his example +Mademoiselle and to lie down on the sofa and go to sleep. I have kept a +cup of tea for myself and do not mind in the least remaining here till +morning, and will feast meantime on our friend's looks. I cannot let +you walk home in this cold winter night, you would by so doing risk all +the benefit you have obtained by your stay here," "Benefit!" I +exclaimed; "you must know that I have no illusions whatever with regard +to the state of my health. I am perfectly aware how little I have to +risk. If I have gained anything by my stay here it is only a reprieve +of a few days or weeks." + +"Pardon me," he said with a smile, "if I do not share your opinion. To +be sure we professional men are often worse prophets than the +uninitiated. At least we are less confident." + +As during the last few days I had written some letters at Morrik's +writing-table, I had brought with me the portfolio, in which I keep our +old doctor's drawing, I drew it from the portfolio, and handed it to +him. "Now you can convince yourself that I am only repeating the +prediction of one of your colleagues," and I told him how I had come to +Meran. + +The drawing appeared to make some impression on him. He shook his head +after looking at it, and then said, "I generally examine the patient by +auscultation myself before I give any opinion. You say that you have +spent the winter without any medical assistance or advice, and perhaps +you were right in doing so, for truly our power is very limited. Far be +it from me to force my opinion on you, but it would interest me greatly +to discover whether your looks, your movements, your voice, and your +pulse are only deceiving, or whether this drawing is to be relied on. +Would you let me ascertain this?" + +"I have no objection to it," I replied, "but you must permit me, +whatever the result may be, to have more faith in our old doctor than +in you." + +After auscultating me, he sat down for about ten minutes in front of +me, and after taking a long draught of tea, he answered my question as +to whether the drawing was not right after all. "I will not venture any +opinion on that subject; all I can say is, that if your lungs really +were in that state, then the Meran climate has worked wonders. We have +had several cases here, in which the patients sent to us had been given +up and were supposed to be in a hopeless state, yet those very patients +are enjoying life to this day, to their own and their doctor's +astonishment. The time you have staid here is however much too short to +have operated such a marvellous recovery, and so I have my doubts about +this drawing. I would even venture to say, if the assertion be not too +bold, that you have never had any inclination to disease of the lungs, +but that your illness is simply caused by great exhaustion of the +nervous system. You say that your doctor is an old practitioner, but +auscultation is a recent discovery and if Hippocrates and Galen, had to +speak on the subject they would certainly commit themselves deeply. You +look incredulous dear Mademoiselle. Next year we will again speak of +this, for it will be most beneficial to your nervous system, which is +in a very irritable state, if you spend another winter here and only +visit your relations during the summer." + +Could he have assured me positively of all this and proved it by a +hundred scientific arguments it would have been in vain. I feel only +too well that it is impossible. We had a long dispute about it, and his +smilingly sarcastic tone, and confident manner made me at last lose all +patience, and I uttered all the invectives I had ever heard against his +profession, only exempting our dear old doctor from this sweeping +condemnation. It was rather curious to hear a patient quarreling with +his doctor for awarding life to him. But if life were again given back +to me, could I receive it thankfully as a blessing, would it not appear +only as a renewal of bondage after this short dream of freedom? + +I could not rest till I had then and there in the presence of the +doctor written to my old friend and besought him to come to my rescue; +and save me from this return to life into which they wished to delude +me. The day had not yet dawned, when the doctor and I left the house. +Morrik's servant was now awake, and his master slept, to awaken to a +renewed life. The doctor insisted on my ordering a sedan chair; but I +refused decidedly, and went to post my letter myself. I then begged the +doctor not to mention what had passed between us to any one, and above +all not to Morrik till I had received an answer. He promised it, and +smilingly took leave of me, after seeing me to the door of my lodgings. +As I toiled up the steep stairs, I again felt convinced that ere long I +should ascend them for the last time. + +The mountain tops are not yet red with the rising sun, the air is +foggy, and flakes of snow begin to fall. My room is comfortable and +warm, as the small stove does its duty. If I could but find sleep. This +mounting guard has been too heavy a service for the poor invalid. A +great battle has been won without him, and he himself has been deluded +with the hope of a victory the fruit of which he would not care to +enjoy. + + + January 30th. + +Yesterday, I remained at home, as I had rashly promised the doctor not +to leave my room till he gave his consent. He said that the honour of +science was at stake, if I brought to naught the opinion he had +pronounced, by my reckless enterprizes. It is also necessary for our +friend he added. + +This morning he came to see me. God be praised Morrik it seems, +improves rapidly. I dared not ask him if he had inquired for me, had +missed me. It appears that he eats and sleeps a good deal. + +Rain and snow help me to endure my imprisonment. I shall probably +remain at home for the whole of this week. I do not wish to meet +anyone. I feel a strange uncertainty and anxiety till the answer from +my friend arrives. + +I shall not know what face to put on when I meet my fellow creatures. +Shall I appear to them as one who after a short rest among them will +suddenly take up his staff again, or as one who has changed his mind +and is determined to remain. I feel restless and unsettled since that +conversation with Morrik's doctor. My home is neither in this world, +nor in the next; my mind is uneasy. I fancy that every one looks at me +suspiciously, as the police looks on a vagabond whose passport is not +in proper order, and who cannot state from whence he comes nor whither +he is going. And I shall have to pass another week in this disagreeable +state of bewilderment before I can receive an answer, even if he wrote +by return of post. + +To-day I ought to write to my father but I cannot bring myself to touch +a pen--my feelings are in such a sad state of confusion, often it +appears to me that my body and soul cry out to me "you _cannot_ live;" +then suddenly the blood flows again so warmly and vigorously through my +veins, that it seems to mock my aching heart, and worn out nerves. In +those moments I take out my drawing as if it were a sure bill of +exchange for a better world, but the doctor treated it with so little +respect, that even this paper has lost its tranquillizing power. +Formerly I was so sure that Death like grim Shylck would insist on the +acquittance of his bond, but now I begin to fear that favour, instead +of justice, will be shown me, but is it a favour to be restored to +captivity? + + + The 15th. + +Still no decision! This cold foggy weather continues. The only ray of +light in my gloomy existence are the daily tidings my landlady brings +me that Morrik's nights are good, and that he is gaining strength +rapidly. + +I must here confess a foolish action I have been guilty of. I have +bought a new dress, and a silk neckerchief, just as any other girl +might do. To be sure they were brought up to my room by a grey haired, +half blind pedlar; who came in with his packages dripping with the cold +damp fog. I pitied him when he resignedly tied them up again, after I +had told him that I should hardly wear out the dress I had on. But +could I not have given him some money, as a compensation for his +useless trouble. It is a very pretty summer dress. I wonder who will +enjoy all the blessings and riches of summer in it? + + + The 1st February. + +I have slept on it, and yet have not gained more composure. When the +letter arrived yesterday, I trembled so with excitement that I could +hardly open it, and then at first all the lines danced before my eyes. +When I had perused it all my ideas were in such a state of tumultuous +confusion that I thought I was going mad. Was it pleasure? was it +dread? was it self pity? No it was the certainty that we poor mortals +can have no firm and steadfast support in this unstable world. I +believed that I had at least one faithful, honest, intrepid friend; and +he too has deceived me. I fancied that at least my own unbiassed +instincts, and presentiments could not mislead me, and I find that they +too had conspired against me. + +But the more I read this letter the less angry I feel with him. I will +destroy the answer I had begun in the first impulse of my +disappointment. He meant it well, and has done his duty as a doctor but +I always come back to my old maxim, that all of them are bad physicians +for the soul. Did he consider before trying this energetic cure +whether, though it might succeed with the body, it might not do +irreparable mischief to the soul; or had he kept some "heroic remedy" +as he calls it, also for that case. He knows me well--could he not have +known me somewhat better? He is right in saying that without this +deception I never would have consented to leave my home, my family; and +never would have freed myself from those depressing bonds which wore +out my life, never have allowed myself the rest which was so necessary +for my recovery. + +Was it not principally to spare my dear father, who already has so many +cares, the additional one of seeing me die without the possibility of +saving me, that induced me to leave him. + +I would certainly have forced myself to look happy, and to submit to my +destiny till I had, made myself ill beyond human aid. He knew what +suited my character when he deceived me in this cruel way. I have ever +preferred the most dreadful certainty to a hopeful uncertainty. If +peace and quiet were the only remedies which could strengthen my +suffering nerves, and ward off the menacing disease from my oppressed +chest, then I could only be saved by the firm belief that I was doomed. +And the undecided wavering hope of life would only have aggravated my +illness. + +How artfully the crafty, malicious, cruel friend brought about what he +thought good for me. This drawing, with what seeming reluctance he put +it in my hands, in order that I might have impressed on my mind a fixed +tangible vision of my danger, that I might be well armed against all +rising hopes, all glimmering wishes. Then his exhortation not on any +account to consult a doctor who would certainly only seek to delude me, +to spare my feelings, in the way all medical men treated their +patients. His emotion when I left, his praise of my firmness and +self-command--Still I cannot bear him ill-will. He does not know what +sort of life it was, he sought to give back to me, by this stratagem. +After having resigned it, it appears so paltry and valueless; how +painful it is to me to begin anew with all the trifles of this world to +which I had already become dead, and to bear what now seems doubly +odious to me after having lived in a higher and nobler sphere; to fall +back into the dreary drudgery of a girl's life; to be once more tied +down to the narrow, commonplace customs and prejudices of a small town; +to be observed, judged and pitied by one's so-called friends, who know +so little of the characters of their acquaintances, that they +invariably mistake their good qualities for their bad ones. + +I must cease! my thoughts are lost in the deep gloom of a sunless +future, in which the dear faces of my father and Ernest are the only +bright spots. + +What radiance streamed from the open gate, the entrance of which was +guarded by the angel of death. + + + February the 3rd. + +The doctor has just left me. He has taken the letter with him, as he +thinks it very remarkable, and says he has not yet met with such a +thorough physiologist as my old friend. Perhaps he wishes to show the +letter to Morrik. From him not a word; I did not like to question the +doctor, as I had heard in the morning, that he was getting on well, and +yesterday for the first time, enjoyed the warm sunshine on his balcony. + +To-day I fancied the doctor was very absent hurried, and mysterious; I +had to ask him if he permitted me to walk out. He nodded, and said; +"Mind you do not agitate yourself by any exciting conversation." With +whom should I speak? + +So I must begin life again, where, and under what circumstances? I +should like to keep a school; but here the people are all Roman +Catholics. + +Leave these dear mountains, and return to that dull town to look again +on the monotonous faces of its inhabitants with their air of self +importance, the obtrusiveness of which disturbs my very dreams. However +I cannot leave my father. Fortunately he has not been duped as I have +been. He agreed to the stratagem of our malicious friend. + +It appears strange that Morrik should not have made the slightest +inquiry, or sent any friendly greeting to me. He probably feels that +there must be some change in our relations to each other, as it is +decided that we are both to live. But some acknowledgement of our +former friendship.... or does he not feel the pain and bitterness of +having found each other, only to lose one another again for ever. + +The doctor says that so severe a crisis often changes the whole nature, +and so his soul which has risen renewed, and invigorated from the +paroxysm of fever, has probably kept no remembrance of his companion on +the road to death. Well I must submit to it. + +Let him forget me; I will always remain to him what I have been. + + + The 5th--Morning. + +Received a letter from my father congratulating me. I shed tears over +it. Whilst every one was condoling with me I felt happy, and now that I +am again given back to life, and ought to rejoice I feel wretched. + +These desolate winter-days, the sun shining with the heat of spring, +make me feel miserable in body and soul; it is but a sterile.... + + + February the 6th. + +Yesterday amidst all my hopelessness, a spark of courage kindled within +me. I left my writing and walked to the window. I felt heartily ashamed +of my cowardice, my grief, and my ingratitude towards God. + +What had become of the sentence which I had once so valiantly used as +the theme for a sermon? "For I was made man; and that means that I have +striven." + +The wings of angels which I had expected are not to be mine yet. I must +still be up and doing, and if necessary, must work my way through the +world with these mortal arms of mine, and be thankful if some day I +should be able to twine them round a dear friend and there find rest. + +The remembrance that I had once approached a higher sphere and had +learnt to know it, or at least to anticipate it, will always remain +with me for good and for evil. For good, as I carry away with me an +everlasting treasure of golden thoughts; for evil, as many things which +formerly I should have deemed riches, will now appear insufficient to +me. Yet I would not spare the past. + +I have written to my old friend this morning and have reconciled myself +with him; and now I will try to be reconciled to myself, for I was +justly angry with my own weakness. Must I not be at peace with myself, +before I can once again engage in the battle of life. + + + The 8th February. + +And where is the free and happy mortal who is permitted to glide +through life as on wings, whose forehead reaches the clouds, who can +say that the dust on the road of life has not touched his soul, no +barrier hemmed in his steps, or obstructed his sight, that every hour +he feels within him an eternal bliss and freedom. To few mortals has +fate awarded such a lot as awaits Morrik after his heavy trials. My +heart beats with joy when I think of the brilliant future that lies +before him. How little I grudge him his happiness; I rejoice in it. It +seems strange to me, that only a fortnight has passed since I stood +beside his bed. How much has occurred since then! When he hears my +name, he will perhaps look up wonderingly, and try to recollect where +he met me. + +Here I sit thinking and planning for his future, like an old woman who +after many long years is told that a friend of her youth has thriven +and prospered in life, and who says: "He has well deserved it; his +character was noble and generous; I knew him well when I was young!" + + + The 12th February. + +The wisest thing I now can do is honestly to confess my folly and then +have a good laugh at myself. How long is it since I again resolved to +be a true combatant? And now? What a heroic achievement to lay down my +arms and run away without having even the courage to desert, but to +lose heart when half way, and turn back again. Well done brave warrior! +If I did not look on the whole thing from a ludicrous point of view, I +should feel deeply ashamed of myself. + +Well this afternoon the air was so warm and springlike that the sun +drove me from my customary lonely walk on the Kuechelberg. Not a breeze +stirred, little lizards whisked about as gaily as in summer, and there +is no foliage to afford shade; the tendrils which were formerly trained +into cooling bowers have probably a good reason of their own for not +budding as yet. + +I turned back, and for the first time for many days ventured on the +Wassermauer, which was not much frequented. + +My heart beat as though everyone already knew that I had slipped into +the society of the doomed, under false colours, and had been sent back +with a protest. + +I tried to find a ready answer in case anybody should ask me; "and so +you have changed your mind, and are not going to die?" All the small +sins I had committed in the belief that it was pardonable to gratify +every wish, as the wish of one dying, rose in array against me. How +impolite, how regardless of giving offence I had been to every one for +whose good opinion I did not care. There is that stout old gentleman +with a small thermometer in his button-hole, who fastens or unfastens +one of the buttons of his overcoat at every degree more or less of +cold. At first he had lectured me about my health, and I had not only +continued my imprudent courses but even, when I once met the fat +philanthropist, unconsciously let down my veil, to his great +astonishment. There is that young girl, with whom I never exchanged +another word, because after the first quarter of an hour of our +acquaintance she kissed me, and read aloud a poem which her brother had +composed. There is that lady with her two big mustachioed sons, who +with great foresight, had cautioned me against any flirtation with +them, and after all was much offended when I followed her advice and +turned my back on them; and above all the poor little chronicler of +scandal, who can now only come out by means of an arm-chair, but still +has strength enough left to rejoice over the weaknesses of her fellow +creatures. What a character she will give me, when she arrives in the +next world before me! Well I hope He who judges up yonder will be more +lenient than the good people here below. I was thinking over all this, +and feeling very much provoked at my own paltry cowardice which seemed +to flourish again and prevented me from attaining the indifference and +disdain with which I had formerly looked down on the life here, when I +reached the Winter garden, and glancing along the benches and arbours, +what I saw there put the finishing stroke on my remaining courage. +There sat bolt upright, and expanding around her the skirts of a +dazzling toilette, the lady without nerves, and beside her, silently +looking on the ground, and perfectly restored--Morrik! She was eagerly +talking to him, and he listened patiently, a kind smile even +brightening his face. I grudged her that smile, as I would have done to +no one else. I cannot express the misery I felt, the longing to be +away, never to see, or be seen of them again; never to be forced to +speak indifferently to those with whom, in the presence of death, I had +exchanged words full of weal or woe. + +I fled across the bridge, and along the highroad which leads through +the beautiful valley of the Adige, and after passing several villages +reaches Botzen sixteen miles off. I soon left the first village of +Untermais behind me, and then sat down on a bench, and there collected +my thoughts sufficiently to devize a plan, which though wiser than the +rest was still exceedingly foolish. If I walk on for several hours, I +thought, I shall reach Botzen to-day, and probably some carriage or +omnibus may overtake me, and give me a lift. Once at Botzen, I can +write to the people with whom I lodged, and apprize them that I was +forced to leave suddenly, send them some money, and beg them to pack my +things and forward them to me. By so doing, I should never again see +them all, and should avoid the trials and pain of leave taking in case +anyone should care about my departure--at least it will not trouble +_my_ rest. And who will care? Perhaps the doctor, and I can write to +him. I need not be uneasy about _him_ whom I once called my friend. He +must have _quite_ recovered, if he can sit beside the lady without +nerves, and smile when she speaks to him in her shrill voice. When I +had taken this resolution, I felt quite satisfied, at least I fancied +that I was so; so I walked bravely on towards the south, and tried to +enjoy the fine scenery around me; the green meadows, the bare rugged +mountains with the snow glittering on their summits, the picturesque +houses of the peasants, the vineyards, the rushing streams which I +passed on my way, and above all, I tried to rejoice in the thought that +I had now put an end to all my doubts and cares, and had depended on no +one but myself. It seemed quite a relief to return home, and to hide my +broken wings. They had been too weak to soar aloft, and had not borne +the test of freedom. Is not that a common misfortune among caged birds? + +The sun had now set. I had passed a village the name of which I did not +know, and had there drunk a small glass of wine as, I was shivering in +my light cloak. The air was sharper than was agreeable to a patient +spoiled by the warm sun of Meran. I became more and more uneasy as I +wandered alone, along the highroad, in the twilight. I often looked +back to see if nothing was coming that might give me a lift. An omnibus +passed me, but it was crowded with smoking peasants, and did not look +inviting. + +After having walked on for another hour, nearly famished, and with no +shelter in view, the brave heroine who had formed such daring projects, +sat down on a stone by the way-side, and had a good cry, like any other +baby which had strayed from its home. Truly death is easy, and life is +hard! + +Heaven knows what would have become of me had not a lucky chance, no, +it was kind Providence, taken compassion on me. Suddenly I heard the +rolling of a light cart, and the crack of a whip, and looking up I +recognized in the charioteer, my friend of the Kuechelberg, Ignatius. + +After scanning the lonely figure, with sharp eyes he pulled up. A +touching scene of recognition took place, which ended by Ignatius +lifting me into his cart, and driving me homewards. He had concluded +some wine business in Vilpian and was in high spirits. He was quite +satisfied with my declaration, that lost in thought, I had walked on +and so strayed far from Meran. There I sat wrapped up in coverings, and +conveyed home as speedily as possible. Fortunately we did not approach +Meran before dark, and did not meet anyone except the doctor, who came +out of a house just as we were passing through Untermais, and who +little suspected who was hiding from him in that cloak and veil. During +the drive, kind Ignatius gave me a detailed description of his conjugal +felicity, with a freedom of expression which I had to pardon on account +of the wine of Vilpian which had loosened his tongue. "Certainly," he +remarked, "Liesi still had her old propensity for setting down and +knowing better; but he had at last come to the conclusion that she +really _did_ know better. A single person did so many foolish things, +but when two kept house together all was quite different. Where one was +at fault, the other succeeded, and two pair of eyes saw just twice as +sharp as a single pair could do. Then his Liese was so handy and clever +in every respect, just as he had always wished his wife to be. She +always had a kind word for him, in short, life seemed a paradise to him +since his marriage." Once he asked after the gentleman who had been +with me at Schoenna. When I told him that he had quite recovered his +former health, he hummed a song, and nodded and winked at me so +mischievously that I got quite angry. + +The good people with whom I lodge, stared in astonishment when I told +them how far I had wandered. I then informed them that I would leave +after another week. I have been told that the passage over the Brenner +is now free from snow and the cold is not very keen. I must take +advantage of this early, and probably transient, spring for my passage +over the Alps.... + +I now make a solemn vow that to-morrow I will do public penance for my +childish flight of to-day. I will walk on the Wassermauer, speak to my +few acquaintances, and tell them how marvellously I have recovered my +health. I will confront even the lady without nerves, and see if I +cannot be restored to her favour. It would have been really too +disgraceful if I had reached Botzen. To run, away like a rogue who +dares not look an honest man in the face. Then I quite forgot too that +this diary would have remained here, and who knows into whose hands it +might have fallen. + + + The next day--Spring has burst forth. + +Can one write down what the heart can neither seize, nor comprehend? I +will try. + +When I rose in the morning I did not in the least fear all the trials +which this day would bring me, all the tests of courage I would have to +undergo in front of the enemy. Had I known what bliss was awaiting me, +I should have perhaps run away overpowered by its greatness. Yesterday +I wrote that life was hard to bear; but hardest of all for a poor weak +heart to bear, is great happiness when it has never before tasted it +from youth upwards, and is then suddenly crushed and overpowered by its +weight. It cannot cease to ask itself, "Will it not be taken from me +before my strength is equal to it?" There is one comfort however in +this, that no true happiness has to be borne alone. This deep and +heartfelt bliss can only be given us by a fellow creature, who in +bestowing it on us, shares it with us. There lie the first violets they +too bear witness to the spring which has this day come to me. I had a +refreshing rest after my long wandering of yesterday; softly rocked to +sleep by a conscience which had grown quite easy since I had firmly +resolved not to be ashamed before the world of the crime I had +committed in returning to life. + +When I rose the day was far advanced. While dressing my hair before the +glass I perceived that my colour was returning, and when I put on my +dress, I remarked that I could no longer wear my funereal clothes; they +have become much too tight for me and confine my chest. The old hoary +headed pedlar came in good time! It is long since I have had a fit of +vanity. But if one is to live, why not do like other women? When I had +done plaiting my hair, I came to the conclusion that after all, I did +not look so very old. I do not know how it happened, but my thoughts +then suddenly turned to the young Pole, and I began to consider what +charm was attached to me, that anyone could fall in love with, at ten +paces distance. Probably it is all a matter of taste. + +For the first time I was ashamed of my old-fashioned clothes, and when +putting on my hat, determined to have a new ribbon for it, before I +ventured out on my thorny walk among the strangers. And so it came to +pass that as I was going to leave my room, my head filled with finery +like that of a silly Miss in her teens, the door opened and in walked +Morrik. I verily believe that he had forgotten to knock. I was somewhat +startled, but he did not seem to notice it. He was quite absent and +shy. + +He did not even sit down, but walked at once to the window, and admired +the view; then examined the writing-table, and talked about rococo +furniture with the air of a connoisseur. All at once he burst forth, +and begged my pardon for the liberty he had taken in calling on me, but +that he was starting for Venice tomorrow morning, and wished to take +leave of me. He wanted also to excuse himself to me and to thank me. + +I sat down on the little sofa, and could find no word in reply but: +"Won't you sit down." I still had my hat on which did not appear very +hospitable but he seemed to think of nothing but how to express in +words, what weighed on his mind. + +"What must you have thought of me," he at last said, "when you neither +saw nor heard anything of me, after that night when you, and the doctor +watched by my bedside. But I am not quite so bad, so heartless, so +ungrateful, as you must have supposed me. The truth is that I can +recollect no more of what happened during my illness than I can +remember of an uneasy dream. I certainly fancied that I had seen you at +my bedside, that I had received the medicines from your hands, and that +it was you who had arranged my pillows. I had also a vague impression +of some strange scene between you and my bete noire, the lady without +nerves. But when I had considered it all, it appeared to me, so strange +that I quickly banished it from my mind. Had I not received the letter +from you, in which you so seriously and decidedly bade me farewell. To +be sure your landlady came daily to inquire for me, but then many other +persons did the same. Why should you not have been civil, though +everything was at an end between us. So I feared to act against your +stringent orders, by trying once more to approach you. I even doubted +whether you would not consider it as an offence if I were to write a +line to you before leaving, and send you a bouquet as is customary in +this country. You will now understand my astonishment when having +accidentally met the life preserver, I heard from her that all that had +seemed to me a dream, had actually taken place; that you had really +been my deliverer and faithful guardian, and with noble generosity, had +taken pity on my sufferings and not resented all that had estranged us, +and had so suddenly put an end to the bright and happy days of yore. +Now I can hardly thank you sufficiently. I feel quite unhappy, and +bewildered when I think of the past. I wished to tell you so yesterday, +and to clear up all that must have seemed incomprehensible to you, but +you were out when I called. Were you not told that I had been here +twice? Perhaps you would rather leave everything unexplained, as it was +before; quite without, my knowledge and will. Your interest was only +for the dying man. Now that it is decided that I am to live, I am +perhaps quite as much estranged from you as when I rashly uttered the +words that pained you so much. Well, I am to leave Meran to-morrow, and +you will be freed from the constraint which my presence has caused +you." + +What I answered; what he said, when he spoke again; how it came that +his hand held mine, and that he again called me "Marie," as he formerly +had done, how can I tell? + +The air seemed suddenly filled with intoxicating music, my eyes were +dazzled with the rays of heavenly light which appeared to stream +through the room. How long this ecstasy lasted I know not; all I know +is that Eternity opened before me. I had died happy and without agony, +and now I was awakened to a new life, in heaven and yet in this world; +dead to all the small cares and fainted-heartedness of human life, and +arisen to the full glory of peace, everlasting trust, and the eternal +knowledge of the truth. + +"Come," he said at last, "you are ready for a walk; let us make our +bridal visits." + +I took his arm, and he first led me across the passage into the +workshop of my landlord, where the good old Meister and his apprentices +stared at us, and the Fran Meisterin hearing the news, rushed into the +room, with a frying pan, which she was just going to put on the fire, +still in her hand; she loudly sang my praises, and congratulated Morrik +on having secured such a treasure as a wife, till I at last burst out +laughing through my tears. Then we walked through the town, and he now +and then entered a shop, and bought most useless things only for the +pleasure of saying, "Send it to the lodgings of my betrothed, you know +the house of the tailor, three stairs high, next door to heaven," and +he said it all with perfect gravity. + +When we arrived on the Wassermauer, all the strangers were assembled as +if by appointment. The band was playing, and for the first time, it +seemed to me, that the instruments were in tune, and the musicians +keeping time. + +At first I felt rather embarrassed, as all eyes were upon me, but that +soon passed off, and I was infinitely amused to see how amiable and +friendly every one had suddenly become, and how pleased I was with +them. We first turned to the life preserver, and actually something +like a tear glistened in her small unmeaning eyes when Morrik kissed +her hand and told her she was as yet the only woman who had made me +jealous. This speech procured me a gracious kiss on the forehead and +the assurance that my behaviour was to be overlooked in consideration +of my jealousy, and weak nerves. Then came the lady with her two smart +sons, the sister with her brother the poet and even the fat gentleman +with the thermometer at his button-hole. From them all we received +congratulations, and they all assured us that they had known it long +ago; to which Morrik answered that in that case they had known more +than we ourselves had done; he even joked with the little _chronique +scandaleuse_, who alone persisted in treating me with icy coldness. To +a child who offered me a bunch of violets he gave his whole purse. The +sun shone, the trumpets seemed to call the spring from its winter +sleep. And yonder in the churchyard where I had chosen a sunny little +corner for my grave, the flowers were blooming, as if after having +taught us to live, death had disappeared for ever. + +After that, we sat together for a long time and only took leave of each +other when the sun was setting. + +"Darling," he said, "I have solemnly promised our tyrant the doctor, +not to see you again before next spring. Nothing he says is so +pernicious to the health of convalescents as a long betrothal between +two solitary young people. That was the reason he would never speak out +about your nursing me in my fever; although I several times very +plainly alluded to it. But you have learned how to write as I know to +my own cost, and so we shall still be united. How I shall rejoice at +the first letter from you which does not speak of leave taking but of +meeting, never to be parted again; not of death, but of a life full of +happiness." + +We were standing on the stairs in the twilight. We clasped each other's +hands and promised to bear this last trial cheerfully. I pressed him +once more to my heart before I had to surrender him again; but we both +firmly trusted that He who had granted us this happiness would also +grant us a future to enjoy it. We shall not in vain have passed from +death to life.... + +I now close this journal: I will send it to you to-day, my dearest +friend, perhaps it may amuse you to peruse it on your lonely journey +when your thoughts are with me. Is not all I possess, are not all my +thoughts yours for ever? The pages contain your name more than once. +May it be a clear mirror in which our united images are reflected. I +lay this poem between the leaves, I have copied it for you, and have +placed beside it one of the violets you gave me to-day. When they bloom +again, we shall be once more united, if God permits it--and He _will_ +permit it.-- + + Thou shall't not weep but gladdened be + And bless thyself at noon, at night, + When free thy soul with wond'ring glee + Shall joyful taste love's deep delight. + + Of life, the tumult all is o'er; + No sounds to us from earth can soar, + As heav'nward now our eyes we raise, + And on the glorious stars we gaze. + + Softly the waves of peace shall flow + O'erwhelming every grief at last; + And to our senses the bright glow + Of endless love o'er all is cast. + + + + + + + BEATRICE. + + + + + + BEATRICE. + + +Night was far advanced and yet we three sat together in the cool +summer-house, conversing over some bottles of wine from Asti, which we +had discovered by a lucky chance, and were now emptying to the health +of our friend who had just returned from Italy. He was, by several +years, our senior, and had reached man's estate, when we first met him +twelve years ago, on our southern journey. His manly, appearance, the +nobility of his demeanour, and a certain pensive charm in his smile had +attracted us from the first. His conversation, his universal knowledge, +and the unassuming way in which he displayed it, confirmed us in our +first impressions, and at the end of the three weeks, which we passed +together in Rome, we were united in as firm a friendship as ever +existed between men of such different ages. Then he suddenly left us; +he was summoned back to Geneva, where he was at the head of a large +commercial establishment. + +During the succeeding years we never missed an opportunity of meeting +again, so he had not hesitated this time to take the longer route +through our town for the sake of spending twenty-four hours in our +company. + +We found him unchanged in his outward appearance; he was still a +handsome man, his hair was hardly sprinkled with grey; his high +forehead was white and smooth, but he was more silent than formerly. +Sometimes he was so absent that he did not hear our questions, but +apparently absorbed in his own thoughts gazed at the wine-bubbles in +his glass, or holding a lump of ice to the candle watched it slowly +melting. We hoped to render him more communicative by making some +inquiries respecting his last journey, but finding that even this +favourite theme could not arouse him we left him to himself, and kept +up the conversation between us, happy to have him at least in the body +with us, and patiently waiting for the time when his spirit also should +return. + +In the meantime I poured forth all the ideas which had lately occupied +my mind. They were crude and superficial and would at any other time +have provoked a contradiction from our friend who was a sharp and keen +logician. The condition of the Italian theatre had given occasion to +this discussion. I maintained that it was not in any way surprising if +the Italians, in spite of all their pathos and passion, could not equal +the dramatic literature of Greece, England, and Germany; nor does it +stand higher in France and Spain, formerly so renowned for dramatic +glory. The temperament of the Latin races, their nature and +cultivation, are so restrained by conventionalities that the tragic +element which consists in concentrating all our interest in one single +individual is quite unintelligible to them. Nor do they venture to +liberate themselves from the trammels of form and give free course to +the spontaneous accents of nature which can alone awaken a tragic awe +in our hearts. + +Like every conversation on elevated subjects which does not blindly +grope on the surface of a question, so the present one soon led us to +the discussion of the most mysterious depths of human nature. + +Whilst Amadeus drew figures with his silver pencil in the spilt wine, +Otto warmly defended the conventionalism I had; condemned, and +maintained that even fiction should be subjected to strict moral laws. +My proposition that the drama should deal with individual, and +exceptional cases, rather than with generalities, and exalt natural +laws above social ones, seemed to him pernicious and full of danger, +for, he said, the conception of a dramatic crime would then be like the +harbouring of a demon in our bosom, instigating to the contempt and +intolerance of every thing that clashed with our individual feelings +and passions. You would thereby destroy the whole social system, which +after all must have some reason for existing, in favour of the +boundless liberty of the individual. The only merit you appear to +recognize in poetry is that which is beyond the pale of every law. I +tried to, make him understand that the point in question did not only +apply to the collision of the drama with outward forms; in a word that +heroic and noble souls were wont to solve the problems of duty, +otherwise than those timorous and commonplace formalists who are always +regained by petty customs and considerations. Highly gifted natures, +who set an example proportionate to their inward strength and +greatness, extend by their actions the limits of the moral sphere; and +just so, the artist of genius breaks through, or at least extends the +limits that confine his art. + +If those noble souls are often actuated by pride and excessive +self-reliance, do they not atone for it by their tragical end? at least +in the eyes of those formalists who regard life as the most precious of +gifts, and who for that reason will never engage in any action, or be +led away by any opinion, which according to the laws of society must +end in death. Such, however, as are capable of understanding the +thoughts and feelings by which those noble natures are impelled, will +never resign the right of exalting them, for they cannot be meted with +the common measure of morality. They who condemn as immoral, what in +our wretched and deficient social organisation ought only to be +considered as the sacred self-defence of free and strong characters, +will never be sensible of the beautiful, or sympathize with what is +generous, they will only discern what is profitable. + +Thus had I spoken when suddenly Amadeus looked up from his reverie and +stretched out his hand to me across the table. + +"Thank you," he said, "for these true and noble words you have spoken; +they have pleased me much. Amongst us there can be no difference of +opinion as to the fact that custom is not the true standard of +morality, and that the mission which poetry fulfils lies beyond the +pale of human ordinances. I only protest against your assertion that +the deficiency of great tragical poets in Italy is to be accounted for +by the conventional fetters which restrain the character of the nation. +As if capacity of mind, fancy, morality, and the sense of the beautiful +must necessarily be equally developed; as if the one did not often +outstrip the other. + +"If a great tragic genius, such as they once possessed in Alfieri were +to be born again to the Italians, the spirit of the nation would not be +slow to welcome him, and academic prejudices of style, could no more +keep their ground, than enforced conformity to the law can oppose the +rights and duties of a free born soul. + +"No," he continued, visibly moved, and the tears glistening in his +eyes, "the hollow pathos of their tragedies is not the touchstone by +which we can judge the soul of that noble nation. I cannot hear you +say this without protesting against it, for if ever there existed a +self-dependent character, in feelings, and actions; that character was +my wife's, and she was an Italian." + +He paused, while we sat mute and breathless with surprise. Though we +had always presumed ourselves to be well acquainted with him, and all +related to him, we now heard for the first time that he had been +married to a woman he so highly esteemed, and yet whose existence he +had concealed as one conceals a wrong. He rose and paced the narrow and +now dusky room, and we did not disturb him either by questions or +inquiring looks. + +At last he stood still, and began in his deep and mellow voice: "I +never told you this because the remembrance of it has always +overpowered me, and the mere recalling of these events caused me a +fever which laid me prostrate for a week. Still it always seemed to me +as if I were wronging you, when I used jestingly to evade your +railleries on my bachelorhood. Believe me, it was principally to +redress this wrong, that I sought your society when I this time +returned from my yearly visit to her grave. Let me therefore simply +tell you all that my heart dictates to me; but first I must open this +casement; the air here is so oppressive that I breathe with difficulty. +So, now, go on with your cigars and your wine, while I walk up and +down. + +"A quarter of a century has passed since those events, yet they are as +present to my memory as if they had happened only yesterday; they will +not let me rest." + +What he confessed to us in that night, till the day dawned--and even +then we could not part--I wrote down the following day, keeping as much +as possible to his own words. Then I little thought that they were to +be his last ones, his last bequest. He had rightly judged of the power +these recollections still exercised over him; they brought on a fever, +which clung to him during his homeward journey, and was aggravated by +his exertions during a night conflagration, and a few weeks after our +meeting the news reached us that we had then seen him for the last +time. + +The following record is now doubly precious to me, and I can with +difficulty bring myself to allow indifferent eyes to peruse his secret. +Then again I feel it a duty to bring to light the strange fate of those +two hearts. Are not the expressions of noble and generous souls the +rightful property of humanity?... + + + * * * * * + + +I had reached my twenty-fifth year when my father died. Standing at his +death-bed, after witnessing his painful agony, it seemed to me that ten +years had passed over my head. My only sister who was very dear to me, +had shortly before married a young agent of our establishment, a +Frenchman, whose family had long ago settled at Geneva, and who now +entered into partnership with our firm. + +He was like a brother to me, and so when he and my sister urged me to +travel for several months with the hope of rallying my depressed +spirits, I took their advice in this, as in all things, and set out on +my journey, the more readily that I felt how necessary to me was some +outward diversion to my thoughts. + +The change of scene soon realized the hopes of my relations. Youth and +vitality were restored. I was again able to enjoy the beauties of +nature, and my taste for the fine arts, which had been awakened by my +former journeys through France and Germany and now found ample food in +Venice and Milan, whither I at first directed my steps, intending to +proceed southwards by slow journies. + +Above all I was impatient to reach Florence. The marvels I expected to +find there caused me to look with indifference on the many beauties of +art which I met with on my way thither. Thus I reserved only one day +for Bologna, where I took a hasty survey of the churches and galleries +in the morning, and in the afternoon I drove out to the old convent of +St. Michele at Bosco, in order to quiet my conscience by obtaining a +complete view of the wonderful old town from the summit of the hill. + +It was one of the hottest days in midsummer, and though I am generally +little affected by any temperature, yet the suffocating air on that +occasion completely overpowered and exhausted me. The road which leads +from St. Michele back to the town was entirely deserted. Above the +walls of the gardens the trees and bushes projected their dusty boughs. +The wheels of the carriage sank deeply into the burning sand. The +coachman drowsily nodded on his seat, and with difficulty kept his +balance. The tired horse crawled with drooping head and ears along the +edge of the road, in the hope of enjoying the scanty shade which now +and then was cast across it by a villa, or a garden-wall. I had +stretched out my weary limbs along the back seat of the carriage, and +after forming a tent above my head by means of my umbrella I fell into +a dose. + +Suddenly I was roused from my repose by a rough blow on my face, as if +some overhanging bough had grazed me as I passed. I started up, and +looking around, discovered a blooming spray of pomegranate lying beside +me. Evidently it had been thrown at me over the neighbouring wall. The +movement I had made seemed to be a signal to the horse to stop. The +coachman quietly slept on, so I had ample leisure to examine the spot +from whence the branch had been thrown at me. I did so all the more +carefully that I had heard from behind the high garden wall a +suppressed girlish titter at the success of the merry trick. I was not +deceived; after waiting a few moments, standing upright in the +carriage, and stedfastly gazing at the wall, I perceived a curly head +shaded by a large florentine straw hat, arise from behind it. A pair of +dark eyes, sparkling with fun underneath the solemn eyebrows, turned +towards me, and seemed, to regard me as some strange animal. But when I +raised the sprig of pomegranate, and pressing it to my lips, waved it +towards the young waylayer, a deep blush suffused her face, and in the +next moment the fair vision had disappeared, so that without the branch +in my hand I should probably have believed it to be a dream. I left the +carriage and pensively walked along the side of the wall, till I +reached a high trellised gate which closed the entrance to the garden. +Between the old iron bars of massive mediaeval workmanship, I could +perceive a part of the grounds of the house which stood with closed +Venetian blinds among groups of elm-trees and acacias. I shook the lock +of the gate, but it would not open; my hand had already grasped the +bell rope, when I was seized with sudden shyness at the thought of +entering these strange premises. What a figure I should cut were I +asked the reason of my intrusion. So I contented myself with patiently +waiting for several minutes in the hope of once more seeing the +youthful thrower of sprigs. In the meantime I scanned the house, which +was in no way remarkable, as attentively as if I had intended to draw +it from memory. At last the heat of the sun became unbearable, and I +returned to my umbrella tent. This roused the coachman, he jerked the +reins and away we crawled; I with my head still turned backwards, +though no trace of the fair one was to be discovered. + +When I reached the hotel of the three pilgrims, a heavy shower +freshened the oppressive air, and during the night the streets were so +deliciously cool and damp, that I never wearied of sauntering through +the long arcades, now stopping to drink a glass of iced water at some +coffee house; now admiring the portal of some church in the dim light +of the lamps. But in spite of the fatigue caused by this continual +walking and standing, I could find no rest till the morning dawned. I +would not believe that it was the fair young face that kept me awake, +though it continually rose before my eyes; I had always considered it a +fable that the spark from a single glance could set fire to the heart, +so I believed my restlessness to be caused by overstrained nerves. + +The next morning however when my hotel bill which I had ordered the +evening before was brought to me, I perceived, now that departure was +at hand, how painful it was to tear myself, away. I became pensive; +then I suddenly recollected that a friend of our firm lived in Bologna +whom I ought to visit. Generally my conscience was not over sensitive +in these matters, but now it seemed to me that this civility was of +great importance. I also reproached myself for the superficial way in +which I had looked at Raphael's St. Cecilia, not to mention several +other sins of omission. I discovered that Bologna was a most remarkable +town, and that after all Florence would always remain within reach. + +I finally succeeded in persuading myself that the pretty thrower of +flowers had not the slightest share in this sudden change in my plans. +Strange to say the outlines of her face, when I tried to recall them +vanished more, and more from my mind, and at last I could only remember +the expression of her eyes. During the day time while I fulfilled my +duties as a tourist, I did not feel any particular agitation, but when +the intense heat had subsided, and I directed my steps towards the +villa, as though it were a matter of course, I felt a strange +uneasiness, and I can even now recollect the songs which I sang to +raise my spirits. + +I soon reached the spot and found everything just as I had seen it +yesterday. The house looked more cheerful, now that the Venetian blinds +were drawn up, and on the balcony stood a little dog, who when he saw +me stop at the gate, barked furiously. I could not muster courage to +ring the bell. It seemed as if a secret presentiment warned me, and I +almost wished never to see that fair face again, and to depart early +next morning with an unscathed heart. Nevertheless I once more walked +round the boundary wall which extended for some distance, and was +bordered on the further side by some peasants' huts, and a few fields +of maize, nowhere a living creature was to be seen. I had now reached a +point where a low hedge touched the garden wall; I could easily climb +upon it, and from thence overlook the garden. As nobody appeared. I +boldly ventured. The bough's of a large evergreen oak-tree projected +beyond the wall, and I hastily scrambled up and clung to the lowest +branch for support. I could not have chosen a better place; at a +distance of hardly fifty paces I saw on the parched up lawn which now +lay in the shade, two young girls who were playing at battle door and +shuttle cock quite unconscious of being watched. One of them wore a +white dress and the broad brimmed straw hat which I had remarked the +day before. She was of middle height with a figure as straight and +slender as a young poplar tree. She moved like a bird with a graceful +agility such as I fancied that I had never before seen. Her black hair +loosened by her lively movements, flowed freely over her shoulders. The +face was very pale, only lighted up by the eyes and teeth. Suddenly the +shuttlecock was thrown awkwardly, and she burst into a merry laugh +which made my heart throb violently, and the hedge appeared to tremble +under my feet. Her play fellow was dressed like her; only with less +elegance; she seemed to be of an inferior rank. + +I hardly noticed her, I was wholly engrossed by her charming companion. +The way in which she lifted her arm to throw the shuttlecock, the eager +look in her eyes when she raised them to await the coming one, her +delight when the shuttlecock described a circuit in the air, the shake +of her head at any failure, every gesture was in itself a picture of +youthful charm and vigour. + +I clearly felt that my fate was sealed, and for the first time in my +life I surrendered myself to the sensations which overpowered and +ensnared me. In the midst of this rapture, I considered how I could +draw nearer to her without startling her, when chance--no auspicious +fate--came to my aid. The shuttlecock, which had been sent up high into +the air, flew over the top of the oak-tree under which I was concealed, +and fell at some distance into the neighbouring fields. She looked +anxiously after it. I do not know whether she then perceived me, but +when I instantly sprang after it and re-appeared on the wall with it, I +noticed that her dark eyes turned towards the place where I had stood +with an astonished and displeased expression. The other girl shrieked, +and ran up to her, whispering something which I did not understand, but +I could see by her gestures that she urged her to immediate flight. The +fair creature however did not listen to her, but waited quietly till it +should please the stranger to restore her property. When I delayed, +quite absorbed in my admiration, her face assumed a haughty and defiant +look, and she turned coldly from me. I held up the shuttlecock and with +a hasty gesture entreated her to remain. Then I took from my neck a +velvet ribbon, to which was attached a gold locket in the shape of a +heart containing my sister's hair, fastened them carefully to the +feathered ball, and threw it towards her. Fortunately it fell just at +her feet, and lay on the light gravel of the walk. + +She took a few steps with a most stately air, and picked up the +shuttlecock; and noticing the locket she darted a quick and flashing +glance at me which pierced me to the very narrow. + +Her companion approached her, and seemed to make some inquiry. She did +not answer, but silently put the shuttlecock and the trinket into her +pocket, and then with inimitable dignity, waved the shuttlecock which +she held in her hand towards me thanking me, as a princess might, for +an homage due to her. + +Then she turned and walked slowly towards the house without once +looking back. + +I now had no further pretext for remaining perched on the wall, and I +dared not make another attempt to see her again on that day; and then +what would have been the use of it, had I not gained my point for the +present. She had evidently recognized me. My reappearance sufficiently +expressed my feelings. I had laid my heart at her feet; she had +accepted it, and it was now in her possession. Ought I not to leave her +time to think over all this. I was so agitated that had I met her then, +I should only have been able to stammer out some confused words like a +person in a fever. + +That night I slept but little, but in the course of my life I never +again lay awake and counted the hours with so much pleasure. + +At day break I rose, entered the picture gallery as soon as it was open +and remained sitting before the St. Cecilia for full two hours. There I +searched my inmost soul as before a clear mirror. I felt that the spark +which had reached my heart was of the true heavenly fire, and not a +transitory illusion of the senses. Those two hours were wonderfully +sweet. It was an anticipation of future bliss and at the same time an +exceeding happiness as if she were sitting close to me, and I felt her +heart beating against mine. The St. Cecilia before me, her eyes calmly +turned heavenwards, could not have had a purer foretaste of the +celestial joys than I had that morning. Again I waited till the time +for the siesta had passed, before I turned my steps towards the villa. +But this time I did not content myself with merely looking through the +bars of the gate. I boldly pulled the bell and was not even startled by +the endless jingle it produced. The little dog rushed, barking +furiously, on the balcony, and out of a small side door, which was next +a larger glass one, issued a little man with enormous grey moustachios +which gave him a ridiculously martial appearance. He approached the +gate with evident astonishment at the unexpected visit. I repeated the +sentence without faltering which I had rehearsed previously; I was a +stranger and intended to publish a book about Italy, and amongst the +rest I wished to introduce a chapter on the country houses of Bologna. +So it was of great importance to me to be allowed to examine this +house. Particularly as it was built in the old style, and was in many +respects remarkable. + +The old man did not seem to understand this. "I am very sorry sir," he +replied, "but I cannot admit you. The villa belongs to General +Alessandro T.... under whose command I served. I know your country +well, sir, I marched through Switzerland under Bonaparte. Afterwards +when all was at an end and my wounds became troublesome, my general +transferred me to this quiet post; and when he married for the second +time, he entrusted his daughter to my care, for you well know sir, how +it is when the daughter is handsomer than the young step-mother. So we +live here in great retirement, but the Signorina wants for nothing, for +her papa sends her some handsome present nearly every week; the best +masters, come to teach her singing and languages, and my own daughter +is an excellent companion for her. Only she never goes up to town, her +step-mother does not care to have her there, but that does not distress +her, so long as her father is allowed to come and see her, once a +month. Every time he comes, he enjoins me over and over again to keep +his child as the apple of my eye. And on the Sundays when she goes to +hear mass, Nina and I accompany her and never lose sight of her. What +do you expect to see in this old house? I assure you it does not differ +in any respect from other villas, and nothing remarkable grows in the +garden. There is no need to put us in some book; what would my master +say to it. Possibly I might lose my situation notwithstanding my old +age." + +I tried to appease him, and succeeded if not with words, at least by +pressing a gold piece into his hand. + +"I see," he resumed, "you are an honest young man, and would not be the +ruin of an old soldier. If you persist in your wish, I will lead you +through the house, so that you may satisfy your curiosity. I can do so +the more easily, that the Signorina is just now at her singing lesson, +so she will not know that I have admitted a stranger." + +He unlocked the gate with a heavy key and preceded me towards the +house. The ground floor partly consisted of a large cool hall, from +which the sun was shut out by closed Venetian blinds, and heavy +curtains. True to my assumed character, I begged him to let in some +light so that I might see the different paintings which hung on the +walls. They were all family portraits of little value; only one of them +which hung above the chimney piece engrossed my attention. "This is the +mother of the Signorina," said the old man, "I mean the real mother, +who has been dead these fifteen years. She was a handsome woman; the +people here called her the beautiful saint. Her daughter is very like +her, only she is more cheerful. She resembles a bird, who always merry, +hops up and down in its cage." + +"She seems to possess the voice of a bird, as well," I remarked, with +all the indifference I could assume, "if that is hers which we now hear +above us." + +"You are right," said the old man. "The director of the Opera in town +comes here twice a week. When her papa (_il babbo_ he called him) pays +her his monthly visit, he always stays many hours, and she sings all +her new songs to him, and then the poor old gentleman feels as happy as +if he were in Paradise. He has not many joys, and without that child he +were better in another world." + +"What is the matter with him," I asked, "is he ill?" + +"As you take it;" replied the old man, with a shrug of his shoulders; +"I for my part would prefer death to such a life. For those who knew +him when he was still in the army--the giant of Giovanni de Bologna on +the market-place, does not look more high spirited, and chivalrous, +than did my general--And now! it breaks lay heart to think of it. The +whole day long he sits in his arm-chair by the window, and cuts out +pictures or plays at dominoes--It seems as if he neither heard nor saw, +but when his wife speaks to him, he looks up timidly and nods +acquiescence to everything she says. Only with regard to the Signorina +he has remained the same, and is not easily to be deceived. Those who +attempted it would soon perceive that the old lion's paws have still +some strength left in them although his claws have been cut." + +"But how came he to sink into that melancholy condition?" + +"No one knows. Many things have occurred in this house but the outer +world only whispers them. My belief is, that, that woman; I mean to say +her Excellency, the young Signora struck his heart a deadly blow and he +has never recovered from it. So he drags on the burden with which he +has loaded himself, as a resolute old soldier bears hunger and thirst +though he should dwindle to a shadow. Well, well, these are old stories +now, and cannot be altered." + +During this conversation we had ascended the stair, and were +approaching the room from which the singing proceeded. The voice had a +crude inflexible sound; it was a high youthful even boyish soprano. It +seemed as if she sang only to give utterance to her thoughts perfectly +careless of the sound. + +"What is the Signorina's name?" I asked, when we had reached the top of +the stairs. + +"Beatrice. We call her 'Bicetta.' Oh what a priceless heart is hers! My +Nina often says to me, 'Father,' she says, 'if the Signorina is to wait +for a husband worthy of her she will remain unmarried.' See here, Sir; +this is her sitting-room. There are her books. She often sits up half +the night, Nina says, and reads them in many languages. Adjoining is +the little bedroom where the two girls sleep. That picture there, above +her bed, represents my poor master in his General's uniform as he used +to lead us into action. That small figure in the background who +brandishes his musket is me, says the Signorina, and she has lately +added the grey moustachioes to give it more resemblance. But come away +Sir, there is noting remarkable in here, the furniture is old. The +General once wanted to furnish it anew, but the child would not hear of +it because everything had been left just as it was when her deceased +mother passed the first summer of her married life in this house. There +on the balcony she used of an evening to sit rocking her child's +cradle, and waiting for the return of her husband when he had gone to +town on business." + +I stept out strangely moved and stooped to caress the little dog who +wagged his tail and licked my hand. Every word which the faithful old +man spoke added fuel to the fire which burnt in my breast, and the +voice in the adjoining room fanned the flame with its breath. + +Fearing to betray myself, I talked of the way in which the grounds were +laid out, about the inlaid table of mosaic work, which stood in the +middle of the room; of the faded fresco painting on the ceiling. I +could not tear myself away though my guide grew impatient. + +Suddenly the singing ceased; the door was thrown open, and she appeared +on the threshold, holding a sheet of music in her hand. She had never +been so near me, yet I did not discern her features more distinctly +than I had done before. + +Everything seemed to dance before my eyes I only remarked at the first +glance that she wore my locket round her neck. + +The old man started back at her appearance and stammered out some +clumsy excuse, at the same time stealthily pulling at my coat. + +"Never mind, Fabio," she said, "you can shew the gentleman all over the +house, and through the grounds, if he cares to see them." Then turning +to her companion, who sat on a low chair with some embroidery in her +hand; "You can go with them, Nina. But stay I will first tell you +something." She whispered some words to her, her eyes always fixed on +me, and then bowed gracefully, to me, who could not utter a word. In so +doing she pressed her right hand as if involuntarily on her locket, +then returned to her singing-master, who had watched this interlude +with curious eyes, and the lesson was quietly resumed whilst we three +ascended the next flight of stairs. The old man's daughter walked +before us and at every turn of the steps, she examined me with a +pensive look but did not speak a word. Only when we had entered the +garden, she said to her father: "Bicetta charged me to pluck two +oranges for the gentleman. She thought he might be thirsty after his +long walk. We will pass by the fountain where they are ripest." I +followed them as if in a trance, and looked up at the house towards the +window from whence we could still hear her voice. The blind was +partially drawn up, so I could perceive her standing in the apartment. +I fancied that she turned, and followed me with her eyes. Nina also +looked up, and then at me. I did not care to hide my feelings from her, +I even wished to make them known to her. But as her father was present +I could only whisper to her, when we reached the gate and she gave me +the oranges: "Express my thanks to the Signorina, and tell her that she +will hear more of me. Give back one of these oranges to her, and tell +her when she eats it...." + +But before I could finish the sentence the old man came close to us. He +took leave of me with much less amiability than he had admitted me. + +I repeated my promise not to betray him, but another suspicion seemed +to weigh on his mind, for his honest face remained gloomy. + +I passed the night in writing a long letter in which I disclosed to +her the state of my feelings and placed my future happiness in her +hands. Even in those moments of absorbing passion the step which I was +blindly taking appeared to me somewhat wild and romantic, but I took up +the orange which lay beside me on the table, pressed it to my lips, and +closing my eyes represented her to my imagination as she stood on the +threshold, gave me that long and loving look, and bowed laying her hand +on the locket. + +After having written the letter I slept very quietly, and only awoke +when it was broad daylight. I again waited for the approach of evening +before I took the decisive walk as my own letter carrier. + +Fortune smiled on me. I had composed a most impressive speech, with +which I hoped to persuade the old man in case he refused to deliver the +letter. But this time Nina came to open the gate. The intelligent girl +did not seem the least astonished at my reappearance. She took the +letter unhesitatingly, but when I asked her if she thought the +Signorina would send an answer, she assumed a diplomatic tone, and +said: "Who can tell?" I told her that I would return to-morrow at the +same hour, and begged her to await me at the gate, so that I need not +ring the bell and let her father into the secret. + +"My father!" she exclaimed laughingly. "We are not afraid of him. +Bicetta need only smile on him and then she can twist him round her +little finger in spite of his savage air--Come somewhat later +to-morrow; we have our drawing lesson just at this hour, and cannot +send away the master for your sake. Will you do so?" + +A carriage now rapidly approached the gate. I had just time to whisper +"yes" to the girl before she silently vanished. Then I hastened away +for I did not wish to be seen before that gate. + +The carriage drew up before the house and my greybearded friend, the +steward, jumped from his seat beside the coachman and assisted a tall +white haired old gentleman to descend from the carriage. I recognized +him at once to be Beatrice's father from the resemblance of their +features. He walked with unsteady steps, stooping forward, and rubbing +his hands, while a delighted smile overspread his countenance. A +footman took a basket of flowers, and several parcels from the +carriage, and carried them after him. I pressed close to the wall so +that I escaped notice, and at the same time could watch the whole +scene. Before the bell had been rung, the door flew open, and the +slender white figure of Bicetta clung to her father, who threw his arms +round her neck with a touching tenderness, and partly walking partly +carried by him she disappeared into the house with the old gentleman. +The others followed, and with a pang of envy I saw the gate close +behind them. How the remaining hours of that day, and the following +night passed I know not. It seemed to me that a constant twilight +surrounded me, a sweet lethargy overpowered me, and a celestial harmony +filled my soul. Strange to say though I generally felt little assurance +in my intercourse with women notwithstanding my reputation as a good +looking young fellow, this time I confidently awaited the decision of +my fate, no more doubting that I possessed her heart than I doubted +that the sun would rise on the morrow. Only the hours that must pass +before I could hear it from her own lips, appeared endless to me. I +must here mention an adventure which I had next day in one of the +churches. As I roved about the streets hoping by continual movement to +restrain my impatience, almost unconsciously I entered a church. +Neither paintings, nor pillars, nor the people who knelt before the +altars could awaken any interest in me at that moment. My thoughts were +far away, and I even forgot to tread softly though mass was going on, +till the angry mutterings of an old woman made me aware of my unseemly +behaviour. So I stood still behind a pillar, and listened to the music +of the organ and the tinkling of the bells, and inhaled the smoke of +the incense. + +As I absently surveyed the kneeling multitude--I, the son of a rigid +calvinist, of course abstained from that devout practice.--I remarked +on one of the more retired chairs, just in front of me, a pair of dark +blue eyes, underneath a white brow, surrounded by auburn curls. Those +eyes were fastened on me, and never changed their direction during the +whole service. + +I confess that at any other time I would have replied to that mute +appeal, but on that morning I was perfectly insensible to any +allurement, and should probably have left the church, if I had not +feared to cause a second disturbance. When mass was ended, the handsome +woman hastily rose, drew her lace veil over her head, and walked +straight up to me. Her figure was faultless, perhaps somewhat too +plump, but the agile grace of her movements gave her a very youthful +appearance. In the white ungloved hand which held her veil together, +she carried a small fan with a mother of pearl handle. When she was +close to me, she partly opened this fan, and moved it carelessly, +whilst her eyes were fixed on mine with a quiet but significant gaze. +When I appeared not to understand her, she tossed up her head, smiled +haughtily, so that her white even teeth glittered, and rustled past me. +A moment later I had forgotten this interlude; yet all my joy had +suddenly vanished. As the evening approached, I felt more and more +uneasy, and when the appointed hour struck I dragged myself towards the +villa like a criminal who is to appear before his judge. I started back +when instead of Nina, whom I had expected I found her father waiting +for me at the gate. But the old man though he looked very morose, +nodded when I appeared and beckoned to me to approach. "You have +written to the Signorina," he said, with a shake of his head, "why have +you done so? If I had thought you would do such a thing you should +never with my consent have entered the house. Oh, my poor dear +Master--after all my promises to him--and who knows what will be the +end of it. I dare not think of it all." + +"Dear old friend," I replied, "nothing shall be done behind your back. +Had you been at home yesterday, I would certainly have given you the +letter, and as for that, you could have read it and convinced yourself +that my intentions are most honourable. But tell me, for heaven's +sake?" .... + +"Come now," he interrupted, "do not let us waste our time. You are an +honourable young man, and besides, how can such a poor old fool as I +am, prevent these things, even if I tried it. Believe me, sir, she is +the mistress, in spite of her youth. When she says: 'I will!' no one +can resist her. Now, she will see you; she wishes to speak to you +herself." + +All my senses reeled at these words; I had hardly dared to hope for a +letter and now this!-- + +The old man himself seemed moved when I impetuously pressed his hand. +He led me towards the house, and as on the previous occasion we entered +by the side-door into the large hall on the groundfloor. This time all +the curtains and jalousies were opened, to let in the red glow of the +setting sun; two chairs stood opposite the chimney, and from one of +them the figure of the girl, so dear to me, arose and took a few steps +towards me. She held a book in her hand and between its leaves I saw my +letter. Her abundant hair was tied up this time and a black ribbon was +twined through it. On her neck I again noticed my locket. + +"Fabio," she said, "open the door towards the garden, and wait on the +terrace in case I should have some orders for you." + +The old man bowed respectfully, and obeyed. In the meantime we stood +motionless beside each other, and my heart beat so violently that I +could not utter a word. Her eyes were fixed on mine with a grave +expression partly of inquiry, and partly of wonder. + +A last she regained her full composure, and appeared to understand what +a moment before had been unintelligible to her. She stretched out her +hand which I eagerly seized, but dared not press to my lips. + +"Come and sit down beside me," she said, "I have much to tell you. Do +you see this portrait before us? It is my mother's; she died long ago. +When I got your letter I sat down before her and asked her what answer +I ought to give you. It seemed to me that she assented to nothing but +the truth. And the truth is, that from the moment I saw you in the +carriage, all my thoughts went with you, and there they will remain +till I die." I cannot express what I felt at these simple words. I fell +on my knees before her, seized both her hands and covered them with +kisses and tears. + +"Why do you weep," she asked and tried to raise me, "Are you not happy? +I am full of joyfulness. I have suffered much, but now all is blotted +out. Now I only know that we are firmly united and I can never again be +unhappy." + +She rose, I sprang up. Intoxicated with joy, I tried to press her to my +heart, but she gently stepped back. + +"No, Amadeus," she said, "that must not be. You now know that I am +yours, and will never be taken from you by any other man; but let us be +calm. I have considered the matter during the long night that has +passed. You cannot come here any more. I have promised it to poor +Fabio. This is the first, and the last time that we meet here. If you +repeated your visit I should soon have no other will but yours, and I +will never dishonour my father's name. Listen, you must go to him, you +will find no difficulty in introducing yourself in his house, so many +young men," she added with a sigh, "even perfect strangers are received +there. When he knows you more intimately, and has given you his +confidence, then demand my hand. You may also tell him that we know +each other and that I will never marry any other than you. All the rest +leave to me, and above all promise not to speak of this to my +stepmother; she does not love me, does not wish me to be happy. Oh, +Amadeus, is it possible that you can love me as much as I love you? Did +you not feel the first time we met, as if a flash of lightning had +fallen from heaven, as if the earth trembled and the trees and bushes +were on fire! I do not know how it occurred to me to throw a branch of +blossoms on the stranger who slept underneath his umbrella. I could not +even see your face; it was a childish trick, and I repented if it a +moment later; yet an irresistible impulse made me look once more over +the wall, and then when I saw you standing in the carriage and waving +the branch of pomegranate blossoms towards me, I was seized as with a +fever and from that moment you have always been before me whatever I +do." + +I had led her back to her chair, and holding her hand in mine, I told +her how I had passed the last few days. She did not look at me while I +spoke so that I could only see her fair profile. Every part of her +face, even the pure and spiritual palor of her complexion, and the +violet shade under her eyes, were full of expression. Then I too became +silent, and felt the warm blood, rush through the delicate veins of the +small hand that lay clasped in mine. + +Old Fabio discreetly looked in, and asked if we wished for some fruit. + +"Later," she replied, "or are you now thirsty, Amadeus?" + +"To drink from your lips," I whispered. + +She shook her head, and looked grave, as she knit her finely pencilled +eyebrows. + +"You do not love me," I said. + +"Far too well," she replied with a sigh. + +Then she rose. "Let us walk round the garden," she said, "before the +sun is quite set. I will pluck some oranges for you. This time I need +not bid Nina do so." + +So we walked on, and she holding fast by my hand, asked me about my +country, my parents, and if the hair in the locket were my own. When I +told her that my sister had given it to me, she enquired after her. "We +will go and see her," she said, "she must love me, for I already love +her. But we cannot stay there. My father cannot live without me, I am +his only joy. You will come to Bologna with me, will you not?" I +promised all she desired. Nothing seemed impossible to me now that one +miracle had been performed, and she looked upon me with the eyes of +love. After that she became exceedingly merry, and we laughed and +chatted as happy as children, and ended by throwing oranges at each +other. "Come," she said, "let us have a game at battledore and +shuttlecock. Nina shall play with us, though she almost makes me +jealous, by constantly speaking of you. See, how she slips away, as if +she feared to disturb us. Might not heaven, and earth, and all mankind +listen to what we say?" + +She called her companion, and the good girl came up to us, gave me her +hand and said: "I hope, you will deserve your happiness. I would have +grudged her to any man but you. If you do not make her happy, Signor +Amadeo, then beware!" + +This menace was accompanied by so vehement and tragic a gesture that we +both laughed, and she herself joined us. + +On the lawn, where I had seen the girls at their play, we now all three +threw the feathered balls, and were soon as much engrossed with our +game, as if we had never had any more serious thought in our lives, and +had not decided on all our future happiness an hour before. + +Papa Fabio did not appear again. When the shade grew deeper the two +girls accompanied me to the gate. I was dismissed without a kiss from +those dear and lovely lips. I could only seize her hand through the +bars and press a parting kiss on it. + +What an evening! what a night! The people of the hotel probably thought +I was somewhat crackbrained, or an Englishman, which in their eyes +comes much to the same thing. + +On my way back I bought a large basket full of flowers which was +carried after me by the flower-girl. These I strewed about my room. I +ordered several bottles of wine, and threw a five franc-piece to a +violin-player in the street. Then I went to sleep in the refreshing +night air which entered by the open windows. I still remember the +sensations I had during my sleep, as if the vibration of the +terrestrial globe as it proceeded on its aerial course were re-echoed +by the pulsations of my heart. + +Not till the following morning did I remember that some obstacles had +to be surmounted before I could take possession of what was already +mine. I must get introduced to her father; and would he confide in me +with the same readiness that his daughter had done? Whilst I sauntered +through the arcades of Bologna considering these matters, propitious +fortune again came to my aid. I met the correspondent of our firm whom +I had visited the second day after my arrival; he was greatly +surprised, as he did not expect to find me still in Bologna. I alleged +some news I had received from my brother-in-law, as an excuse for my +prolonged stay. I said that a plan had been formed to found a branch +establishment of our business in Italy, with particular reference to +Bologna. My departure was necessarily delayed for an indefinite period, +and in the meantime it was my duty to form acquaintances in town. +Amongst the names of other distinguished families, I mentioned the +General's. Our friend did not know him personally, but a young cousin +of his, a priest was a frequent visitor at his house, and would +willingly introduce me. "But beware of the dangerous eyes of the lady +of the house," he continued, "for though she has not the reputation of +treating her admirers with much cruelty, yet your attentions would be +wasted, for the young count her present adorer, does not seem at all +inclined to relinquish his conquest." + +I joined in this bantering as well as I could, and we then made +arrangements for an introduction. + +In the evening of the same day I met the young priest by appointment at +one of the Cafes, and he then accompanied me to the general's house +which was situated in a very quiet street. It was a Palazzo of very +unpretending exterior, but furnished most luxuriously within. Thick +carpets covered the corridors through which we passed to reach the +apartment where every night a small circle of habitues assembled. + +Prelates of every rank, military men, several patricians, but only men, +formed the society. The young abbate never tired of expatiating on the +happiness of the fortunate mortals who were admitted to the intimacy of +that house. "What a woman," he sighed. He seemed to hope that his turn +would also come some day. + +When I entered I first perceived the old General. He sat in an +arm-chair, and opposite to him an old canon; between them stood a small +table on which they were playing at dominoes. On a low stool beside the +general lay a pair of scissors and some sheets of paper, on which were +depicted little soldiers; these he cut out, when he could not find a +partner for his game. A lamp hung above him, and in the full light, I +again remarked the astonishing likeness of his features to those of +Beatrice. I had hardly spoken a few polite words to the old gentleman, +who responded to them with a childish and good-natured smile, when my +companion hurried me away. I followed him into a small boudoir, where +the lady of the house was reclining on a couch, while a tall much +adorned young coxcomb sat on a rocking chair by her side; they both of +them seemed rather bored by this tete-a-tete. He was languidly turning +over the leaves of an album, and the fair lady embroidering some many +coloured cushion, and now and then she caressed with the point of her +brocaded slipper a large Angora cat which lay at her feet. + +By the subdued light of the sconces, reflected by numberless mirrors, I +did not at first recognize in the lady before me the fair devotee of +that morning in church, although the same mother of pearl fan lay on a +table near her. + +She was more quick sighted than I, and started up so vehemently at my +approach, that she lost her comb and her abundant hair fell over her +shoulders. The cat awoke and purred, the tall young man cast a +piercing look at me, and I myself was so startled as I recognized her, +that I was most thankful for my little companion's volubility. She +remained silent for a while, and looked at me with that same stedfast +gaze--which had made me feel uncomfortable in the church. + +Only when she observed the rudeness of the count, who tried to ignore +my presence, her face grew more animated. In a low caressing voice, +which was the most youthful part of her, she invited me, after +dislodging the cat, to sit down beside her. Then turning towards the +young man; "You can look over the music which I received to-day from +Florence, count, I will sing afterwards and you can accompany me." + +The young exquisite seemed inclined to rebel, but a severe look from +her blue eyes subdued him, and we soon heard him strike some accords on +the piano in the outer saloon. + +The young abbate was employed in cutting the leaves of some new French +novel, so I alone was left to court our fair hostess. Heaven knows I +envied them, and above all the old canon at his game of dominoes. From +the first words I exchanged with this woman, I felt an invincible +dislike to her, which increased in proportion to the efforts she made +to attract me. I had to summon all my prudence to keep up an appearance +of politeness, and to listen attentively to her remarks. My thoughts +were far away in the saloon of the villa, and between those glib and +clever words, I still heard the soft voice of my darling and saw her +eyes fixed on mine with a sad expression. + +In spite of this absence of mind and heart, the fair lady did not +appear to be displeased with my first attempt. She probably imputed my +embarrassment to a very different cause, and the fact that I had sought +to be introduced in her house, she certainly construed in her favour. + +She praised my fluency in the Italian language, but remarked that I had +a Piemontese accent, that I could not find a better opportunity of +correcting this, than by frequently joining her friendly circle. Then +she begged me to consider her house as my own, provided my evenings +were not otherwise engaged. She had melancholy duties to perform, she +said with a sigh, and a glance towards the adjoining room, from whence +was heard the good natured laughter of the old gentleman as he had won +his game. Her life, she continued, only began with the evening hours; I +certainly was very young, and the society of a sad woman, grown grave +before her time, would hardly attract me. But so sincere a friend as I +should find in her was worth some sacrifice. I greatly resembled one of +her brothers, who had been very dear to her, and whom she had early +lost. She had noticed this likeness in the church, and for this reason, +she warmly thanked me for my present visit. She cast down her eyes with +well assumed embarrassment and then with a smile stretched out her hand +to me which I slightly touched with my lips. "As a pledge of +friendship," she said in an undertone.--Fortunately some new arrivals +spared me an answer which could not have been sincere. The new comers +were dignitaries of the church, men of the world, who treated me, as +they would an old acquaintance. The count also returned and whispered a +few words to her. She arose and we all followed her into the saloon +where the piano stood. She sang the new airs and her Cicisbeo +accompanied her. + +Her fine voice poured forth trills and cadences and I could remark that +between times she glanced towards the dark corner where I leaned +against the wall, and mechanically joined in the general applause, at +the end of every song. + +My thoughts wandered to the villa where I had heard another voice so +dear to me. Liveried servants entered noiselessly, and offered ices and +sorbets on small silver trays; the music ceased and an animated +conversation commenced. The old general now appeared leaning on his +stick, and seemed delighted at having won six games consecutively. He +asked me if I, ever played at dominoes, and on my replying in the +affirmative, he invited me to return next evening, and try my luck with +him. He then called his valet as it was his usual hour for retiring to +rest. This was the signal for departure. I obtained a significant smile +from the lady of the house, and I hastened to leave the rooms before +the rest of the company. I longed for solitude to shake off the +unpleasant impressions of the evening. Yet I could not get rid of these +sensations till next day at dusk, when I again directed my steps +towards the villa. I well knew that I should not be admitted, but I +hoped, between the bars of the gate, to catch a glimpse of her dress or +of the ribbon on her straw-hat. + +I found her on the balcony alone, and her eyes were turned towards the +road as if she expected me. For a short while we were contented to +express our feelings by looks and gestures. Then she signalled to me +that she would come down, and a moment later she issued from the +lateral door, and approached me blushing with love and happiness. She +gave me her hand between the bars, but when I asked her if she would +not admit me, she shook her head gravely, and laying her hand on her +heart, she said, "Are you not here, nevertheless?" We were soon engaged +in exchanging sweet and childish words of love, till I told her of my +yesterday's visit to her father. When I spoke affectionately of him, +she suddenly seized my hand, and before I could prevent it had pressed +it to her lips. I did not mention his wife, and her unseemly behaviour. +She understood my silence. "Return to him," she said, "and do all you +can to please him; he cannot fail to love you." Finally, when I begged +her for a kiss, she approached her cheek to the bars, but hearing the +trot of a horse coming down the road, she speedily fled. So I had to +leave her with an unsatisfied longing in my heart. I confess that for +the first time I doubted the strength of her love. I knew how strictly +girls in Italy keep back their feelings, only to give them more free +course when they are once married. But why grudge me a kiss from her +lips even when separated by the bars of a gate. Then again I thought of +all she had said to me, and of the looks which had accompanied her +words and felt tranquilized. + +Of course in the evening I punctually appeared in the General's rooms, +and he ordered me at once to the dominoe table. The company was much +less numerous than the day before. The old canon when I took his place +retired to a niche near the window, and was soon snoring comfortably. + +This time the lady of the house did not remain in the boudoir, but sat +on a sofa not far from our table, greatly to the annoyance of her +adorer who sat sulkily opposite to her. She had given him a novel, and +she bade him read to her. He made many blunders, and at last threw down +the book with an oath, common in this country but certainly not fit for +drawing room society. + +The lady then rose and beckoned to him to follow her into the next +room, where a passionate but whispered dispute took place. We heard +that she threatened never to receive him in her house again unless he +altered his behaviour. + +The old gentleman who had been very happy at his success in the game, +listened for a moment. "What can be the matter?" he asked. I shrugged +my shoulders. A strangely anxious look passed over his face. He sighed, +and for a moment seemed irresolute as to whether or not he ought to +interfere. Then he sank back in his chair, and appeared to be lost +in dreams. The canon awoke, took a pinch of snuff and offered his +snuff-box to the General; this restored his equilibrium, and we resumed +our game. When I at last rose to depart, he begged me to return soon; +he preferred me as a partner, to the old canon. These words were spoken +in a most amiable tone and accompanied by a cordial pressure of the +hand. Altogether in spite of his weaknesses, he still retained the +manners of a gentleman of the old school. His wife dismissed me more +coldly than the night before, but this seemed to me to be only for the +count's sake with whom in the meantime a reconciliation had taken +place. + +I was right. The following evening, when the count was prevented by +some excursion from appearing at his usual post, her efforts to lure me +into her nets were redoubled. I assumed the character of an +unsuspecting young man who from sheer respect neither hears, nor sees, +nor understands anything, but she was evidently not duped by it. +Probably the unsuccessfulness of her efforts provoked her, and incited +her to conquer at any price my real or feigned coldness. She was so +carried away by her vexation that she lost all command of her feelings, +and could not master them even when the count returned. Of course all +the rest of the company noticed how matters stood. The correspondent of +our house did not neglect to inform me of the rumours which were +current in the town. He congratulated me on my good fortune, and little +guessed how uncomfortable I felt at his words. I perceived that I must +no longer delay in declaring my real intentions. + +A conversation I had with the young count precipitated this decision. + +One evening when I returned to my hotel I found him waiting for me. He +saluted me with frigid politeness and requested me in a curt, and +concise manner either to discontinue my visits at the General's house, +or to expect an encounter of a different nature. Being a stranger I was +probably unacquainted with the customs of the country, otherwise he +would not have taken the trouble of giving me warning. + +I begged him to wait twenty-four hours, and he would then perceive how +absurd was any idea of rivalry between us. He looked surprised, but as +I did not give any further explanation, he bowed and departed. + +Early the next morning, for I knew the old gentleman was up betimes, I +asked for an interview with him, and was ushered into his bed-room, +where he sat smoking a long Turkish pipe. He was rummaging in several +card boxes in which all his treasures consisting of cut out pictures +lay around him. When he saw me he stretched out his hand with evident +pleasure, thanked me for visiting him in the morning, and offered me a +pipe. When I declined this he pressed me to accept as a token of +remembrance several cut out soldiers on which he set particular store. +I felt heavy at heart when I reflected that my future happiness +depended on this poor old man. But to my astonishment the expression of +his face completely changed when I mentioned his daughter. He became +grave and silent, and only the intent look in his eyes betrayed, that +even on this theme, he could with difficulty collect his thoughts. I +concealed nothing from him. Beginning with our first meeting, I related +every circumstance up to the last hours. He now and then nodded +acquiescence, and when I told him of my love for her his eyes glistened +and he raised them heavenward with a deep emotion which shed a sort of +glory over his features. + +Then I spoke to him of my circumstances and expressed the very natural +wish to take my young wife--provided he should entrust his child to +me--to my own home; assuring him however, that I was quite willing to +remain in his neighbourhood for several years, as I could never tear +her from him. He seized both my hands when I said this, and pressed +them with more vigour than I could have believed possible in so weak +and worn out an old man. Then he drew me into his arms, and without a +word kissed me till his strength failed him, and he sank back into his +chair. After remaining so for a few moments he made a sign to me to +help him to rise, and when he had regained his feet, he said: "I +entrust this treasure to you my son, and thank my God, that I have +lived to see this day. Come we will go and tell it to my wife. From the +first moment I saw you I felt sure that you had a kind heart. If I had +ten daughters I could not see them better provided for. But did you +ever see such a naughty child? Fie, fie, Bicetta! meeting a lover when +your old babbo's back is turned, but they are all alike when love is in +question, and where their heart is concerned they are not to be +trusted, no, not one!" + +He sighed and his face took an expression partly of anxiety, partly of +sorrow. Perhaps some recollection troubled his mind. A moment after he +again embraced me, pulled my hair, called me a traitor and a hypocrite, +and finally seizing my hand, he drew me towards his wife's apartment, +which was situated at the other side of the house. + +In the ante-room a maid advanced to meet us; she looked at me with +wondering eyes, and only admitted the General to her mistress' room, +after having first announced him. She then begged me to wait as her +mistress was not yet dressed for receiving. I heartily rejoiced at +this, though the time I had to wait seemed interminable. + +I could not distinguish what was said in the adjoining room, but the +General spoke in a louder and more commanding tone than I had ever +heard from him before. A long and hurried whispering followed, till at +last the door opened, and the General issued forth erect, and +triumphant as if he had won a battle. + +"Beatrice is yours my son, the affair is decided. My wife sends her +best wishes to you! At first she made some ridiculous objections. You +see a cousin of ours, a young fop who is now in Rome, said to her +before he left. 'Keep Bicetta for me, I will marry her on my return.' +This was only in fun, but you and I, we are in earnest, so you shall +have her Amadeo. It is true," he continued, with a sigh, "that I let +many things take their course, I am an old man, and the reins often +drop from my hands, but on some occasions Amadeo, I take up arms again +and then I am not to be daunted. I now solemnly promise you that +Beatrice shall be yours. Come back this evening; you will find her +here. Embrace me my son, make her happy; she deserves to be rewarded a +thousand fold for the love she bears her old father." + +He only left me at the top of the stairs after folding me once more in +his arms. + +When I returned in the evening, I found the house brilliantly +illuminated. In the ante-room many people were assembled who eyed me +with curiosity. In the drawing-room the old General sat in his usual +place, and the Canon opposite to him, but to-day the dominoes lay +untouched on the marble table, for on her father's knees sat his +daughter, simply dressed, without any ornaments, only pomegranate +blossoms in her hair. Her arms were twined round the old man's neck as +if she felt uneasy in this society, and took refuge with her only +friend. When she saw me enter, she glided from her seat and stood +motionless as a statue before me till I took her hand. She cast a rapid +glance at the sofa where her step-mother sat, brilliantly attired, her +hair flowing over her beautiful bare shoulders, her round white arm +reclining on a crimson cushion. She evidently intended to outshine the +slender maidenly beauty of the young girl. At her side sat the tall +young count, who had now recovered the phlegmatic insolence of a +supreme sovereign. He nodded to me with a gracious condescension. + +When I turned towards them holding my betrothed by the hand, I noticed +a sudden palor on the woman's face, but she greeted, and congratulated +me with a most winning smile; offered me her hand to kiss, and then +embraced Bicetta who submitted to it with an impassive face; only the +trembling of her hand told me what she felt. + +After this we had to receive the congratulations of the company, and I +admired my darling who stood the flow of shallow words with which she +was overwhelmed with perfect calmness. The General contemplated her +with an expression of great delight. He bade us sit down in the +embrasure of one of the windows, where two chairs had been placed near +each other, and then he proceeded to his game with Don Vigilio. + +Bicetta and I soon forgot all around us. The hum of conversation did +not reach us. The dim light of a lamp which swung on a chain across the +street was bright enough for me to drink the deep draught of love from +the eyes of my beloved, and from her enchanting smile. On that evening +the company dispersed later than usual. Champagne was drunk, and an old +archbishop who was passing through the town on one of his pastoral +tours proposed the health of the betrothed. The venerable old man was +particularly affectionate to me. He made me take a seat in his carriage +and insisted on driving me back to my hotel. But hardly had we been a +moment alone together, when the reason for this remarkable +condescension appeared. "You are a Lutheran?" he asked. I assented, and +he continued with a benign smile; "You will not remain so. The great +earthy happiness you have found here, will lead you to a higher bliss. +Come to see me to-morrow, and we can talk more about this." + +I did not fail to appear, but he could not force me one step from the +path which I had traced for myself. I demanded the same liberty of +faith which I conceded to my wife. With regard to the children, she +might decide for them, till they had reached the age when they could +judge for themselves what was necessary to the welfare of their souls. +The artful old priest seemed well pleased with this beginning, and to +rely on the future.--As he was forced to leave the town, he committed +me to the care of a younger keeper of souls; a member of a religious +order, who set about the affair much more vehemently and clumsily so +that to prevent further unpleasantness, I broke off all intercourse +with him. This, I could perceive in the faces of certain of the +frequenters of my future parent's house, was greatly taken amiss, but +as the General's cordial manner remained the same, and the mistress of +the house continued to shew me a cool amiability, I bore it with great +equanimity. + +My betrothed, who was aware of my feelings, fully coincided in my +desire to cut short any further attempt of this kind. "What can they +mean by it?" she said. "There is only one heaven and one hell for us; +is it not so Amadeo? If I entered Paradise and found you not there, my +soul would turn back, and not rest till it had found yours." When she +spoke thus it seemed to me that I saw heaven open before me, and I +could not believe that any danger threatened our future happiness, or +even that any delay was possible. + +The wedding was fixed for October. I had made up my mind to bear this +interval of two months with all the patience I could muster. Only one +thing made me uneasy; I had announced my betrothal to my sister, and +brother-in-law, and had not received one line in return. + +I knew them too well to fear any objection on their part; only some +illness or some sorrow which they wished to keep from me could account +for this silence. So in spite of the happiness which smiled upon me, I +grew more and more uneasy. At last after three weeks of feverish +impatience, the longed for letter from my brother-in-law arrived. He +wrote that my sister Blanche had been dangerously ill after her +confinement, and that the state of her health was still so precarious +that he had not ventured to agitate her by the news of my engagement. +If it were possible, it would greatly relieve him if I could come home +for a short while. + +"You must go," said Bicetta when I had silently handed her the letter. +"You must leave this to-morrow. I will try and bear your absence as +well as I can. But you must write to me when you arrive, write to me as +often as you are able. How I long to go with you. But of course that is +impossible. Give my love to Blanche; tell her that she already lives in +my heart, and give her this kiss from her sister." + +She passionately threw her arms round my neck and pressed her lips to +mine. It was the first kiss she had granted me. Even when I had met her +alone, and entreated her both jestingly and earnestly not to be so +cruel, she had always remained inexorable. How often had I not felt +hurt at this reserve, but then she had only to speak a word, or to +stretch out her hand with that indescribable smile of hers, and my +doubts and displeasure vanished. + +I departed with the full persuasion that I should find nothing changed +on my return. The old general took leave of me with evident distress; +he could not cease to press me in his arms. His wife shewed great +interest in the illness of my sister, and so completely deceived me +that on my way home, I reproached myself for my former injustice +towards her, and mentally begged her pardon. + +Part of my luggage remained at the villa which had been my habitation +during the last weeks of my betrothal; Old Fabio and my friend Nina +faithfully ministering to my wants. I felt sure of returning in less +than a month, and hoped to bring back with me my sister and her husband +to the wedding. Nina in the meantime went up to town to keep Beatrice +company. + +Everything seemed to be arranged for the best, and this short +separation to be a sacrifice to the jealous gods before I was allowed +to enjoy complete happiness. + +At home I found matters better than I had imagined during the anxious +hours of my long journey. Blanche was out of danger, and it seemed as +if the pleasure of seeing me again and the joyful news I brought her, +hastened her recovery. Their accompanying me to Bologna however was +out of the question. My sister could not leave her child, and my +brother-in-law was detained by our business which had lately so much +increased that we could not both be spared. Yet they hastened my +departure, and indeed as matters stood my visit caused them more +anxiety than pleasure, for in spite of our firm resolve to write to +each other as often as we could, and though I faithfully adhered to my +promise of never missing a single post, yet not a line had reached me +from Bologna. During the first week of my stay I was inexhaustible in +finding some natural cause for her silence. But when I had remained a +fortnight at Geneva without a word either from my betrothed or any +member of her family, I was tormented with anxiety. My only comfort was +that no great misfortune could have happened to her without our +correspondent in Bologna informing me of it, but then again, how could +I know that he had not left Bologna, and should any letters have been +lost or intercepted, might not his too have been among the number? + +I felt that I must start for Bologna if I did not wish to go mad. The +state of my feelings as I travelled day and night is not to be +described. As I saw my face in the glass when I stopped to arrange my +disordered toilet before entering Bologna, I started back. It was +certainly not the face of a happy bridegroom, such as I had hoped to +return. + +It was early in the morning when my travelling carriage dashed along +the well known road. I called to the postillion to pull up at the +trellised gate, of the villa. I jumped out with tottering knees, and +rang the bell violently. Some time elapsed before my dear old friend +Fabio appeared at the door. When he recognised me he started and +without taking time to button his old waistcoat across his naked chest, +he rushed to meet me with so disturbed a face that I called out in an +agony: "She is dead!" + +He shook his head and hastily unlocked the gate, but the fright had +completely taken away his breath, so that I could only draw out word by +word, a scanty unconnected explanation from him. He observed my pale +face and worn out looks, and wished to spare me, instead of which he +only cruelly tormented me by his dilatoriness. With many things which +had been schemed in the dark, he was unacquainted, for he had only +learnt the main points from Nina, I who well knew the actors never for +a moment doubted who had taken the principal parts in this fiendish +intrigue. Hardly had I left Bologna when that cousin from Rome +appeared, and brought forward his imaginary claim to the hand of my +bride. + +Had he come by order, or would he have arrived of his own accord even +had I not been absent I never knew. He cut a sorry figure Fabio said. A +life of gambling, revels, and adventures had considerably reduced his +fortune, but being the nephew of a cardinal, and of the old nobility, +he was still considered a good match. Bicetta had always disliked him. +He (Fabio) remembered that she had once boxed his ears for having +ventured to kiss his little cousin. Upon which he had laughingly vowed +to make her pay for it once she was his wife. Now the time had arrived +when he hoped to realize his threat. The step-mother and all those who +had most authority were on his side. They had frightened the poor old +general by predicting for him all the torments of hell, if he married +his only child to a heretic, till they had subdued and silenced him. +But whenever he looked at Bicetta his eyes filled with tears, and he +would sit for hours in his arm-chair, and sob like a child. He never +spoke to his wife for he knew that she was at the bottom of it all. + +"And Beatrice?" I asked, half maddened with rage and pain. + +"Ah Bicetta," replied the old man, "who can understand her! At first +when they urged her to renounce her heretic lover, she had answered: 'I +have pledged my faith to him in the sight of God, and I will keep it +though I should die for it;' so they could not persuade her. Then when +her cousin had come to pay his court to her, she had calmly told him: +'Don't trouble yourself Richino it is perfectly useless; even had I +never seen Amadeo I should never have loved you.' Then when he +attempted to take her hand and to play the gallant to her, she drew +herself up and said in the hearing of Nina: 'Miserable coward to lay +hands on another's property! Go I despise you.' She would not see him +after that yet she never sheds a tear though the marriage is decided +on, and she has quite left off begging and entreating her father, her +step-mother, or any one, even God I dare say. She no more received your +letters, than you did hers which I posted myself. It seems that the +officials at the post-office know what is expected of them when the +nephew of a cardinal wishes to carry off the bride of a foreigner. +Still it is surprising that she should have resigned herself so quickly +for she cannot possibly doubt your fidelity. Nina told me that they +threatened to shut her up in a convent if she did not marry her cousin, +and certainly a convent is not the proper place for our Bicetta, yet I +should have thought it preferable to a marriage with that man, when her +whole heart belongs to you. I for my part cannot make her out, and my +daughter too is in a perpetual state of amazement." + +So the good old man rambled on without venturing to look at me, whilst +I lay completely stunned on one of the chairs opposite the chimney. It +was the same in which we had sat our hands clasped in one another's the +first evening of our betrothal. I was quite incapable of thought; every +feeling even of love or of hate seemed paralyzed within me and all +vitality to have ceased, as the movement of a watch stops when a blow +has broken the spring. After a long pause I recovered my composure +sufficiently to ask when the marriage was to take place. "This +afternoon," replied the old man in a timid voice. Then I started up, +brought to my senses by the nearness of this fearful and decisive +event. Old Fabio seized my hands, and looked anxiously into my face. + +"Merciful heavens!" he exclaimed, "what are you doing. You know not how +powerful they are. If you were to appear openly in the streets, who +knows whether you would outlive the night." + +"I will go in disguise, I will stand face to face with this scoundrel, +and tell him that one of us must die. You surely have a pair of +trooper's pistols in good condition. They are all I shall want. Leave +me now." + +"First you must shoot me with them," he said, and clung so firmly to my +arm, that I saw no possibility of freeing myself from his grasp without +using force. "Think of Bicetta," he continued, "what would she say to +it." "You are right," I replied, and felt as if I were again deprived +of all energy. "I know not what she would say, but I _will_ know, or I +shall go mad. Let go my arm, and give me my hat. I will go to her; I +will burst open the doors which keep her from me, and when once I have +seen her then come what may." + +But he would not let me go. He led me back to my chair and said, "you +must surely be persuaded that no one so sincerely desires yours, and +the Signorina's, and the old general's welfare as old Fabio, so you +must listen to his advice, and not rush headlong to your own +destruction. If you imagine that you can reach her apartment, you are +greatly mistaken. The house is filled with servants on account of the +wedding, and you would fare ill if you desired to see the bride with +this face. Let me go to her; they cannot forbid me the entrance, +although the Signora does not regard me with favourable eyes. If it +should come to the worst, I can always send for my daughter; so if you +will write a few lines I promise to deliver them, and they will +certainly reach their destination with more safety than by the papal +posts. Sit down here by this window and write a few lines and if I am +not greatly mistaken in our Bicetta she will answer them. He ran to +fetch me writing materials, but I was in such a wretched state that I +could not even hold a pen, and the fury which raged within me drowned +every thought. + +"Never mind," said the old man, "there is no need to write. Is it not +sufficient that she hears you have come? If she then still consents to +this marriage, hundreds of letters would be of no avail." + +With this he left me, but first I had to give him my word that I would +not leave the house, which was now completely deserted, and that I +would open the door to no one but him. + +By this time day had dawned, and after bringing me some wine to +strengthen me, the old man departed, and I remained alone in the +death-like stillness of the house--I could not rest; I dragged myself +into the garden, to the orange-tree of whose fruit she had given me, +and to the pomegranate the blossoms of which had been her first love +token to me. She was always before me, and the more clearly she +appeared to me the less could I understand her apparent oblivion. + +Though I was greatly exhausted by my night's journey, yet I could not +swallow a morsel of bread nor drink the wine, but I sucked the juice of +an orange, and felt so revived that I seemed to have imbibed hope and +comfort with it. Then I returned to the house, ascended the stairs and +slowly walked through all the apartments. In her little room all +remained as she had left it; even the book which she had last read was +still open on the table. I began to read from the same page where she +had left off. It was an edition of the "Canzone di Petrarca" and I felt +soothed and refreshed by their gentle harmony. I shoved a low chair +into the balcony (it was the same on which she had sat as a child while +playing with her dolls), and threw myself into it with the book in my +hand. But after each verse my eyes wandered along the road in the hope +of seeing a messenger appear. I had grown calmer however, and no longer +dreaded the decision of my fate, yet I started wildly when the old man +appeared. + +"What news do you bring me," I called to him. But I knew all when I saw +his sorrowful countenance, as he turned towards me, and I rushed down +the stair case with trembling knees. "Read this," he said; "perhaps you +will understand what it all means." + +I tore the paper from his hand. On it were hastily scrawled these +words: "My own dear love, what I am going to do, had to be done; do not +try to prevent it, only trust in me. I shall never be another's. You +will understand all when we meet again, and perhaps that may be before +long. Whatever happens I am yours only for ever and ever." On the edge +of the paper was added, "Remain concealed. If you are found out, all is +lost." + +Whilst I continued to stare at these few lines, the old man told me +that he had not seen her himself. Nina had been the messenger between +them; but even from her, he could not find out what he wanted to hear. +She only told him that the Signorina had not shown the least +astonishment at the news of my return. "I have long expected him," was +all she said; and while her maid was bringing in her bridal attire, she +had written the note quickly, standing at the window. Then she had +charged Nina to enjoin the greatest secrecy on her father, and to tell +him to take care of me. After that she quietly proceeded to unfasten +her hair which had to be dressed for the wedding. "She wrote these +lines," Nina added, "with the calmness of a person who is unable to +live any longer for the very agony of his pain, and writes down his +dying wish." She had always thought she knew her as well as she knew +herself, but in these last days she was a perfect mystery to her. + +Was it not the same with me? I who had fancied that I understood her +better than any one else, could I understand her now, though I read the +lines she had addressed to me over and over again a hundred times. Why +if she would not belong to any one but me, why did she not fly to me, +or take refuge in a convent till I had found means to liberate her. Why +did not the boldest and most adventurous scheme appear natural and easy +to her, rather than resignation to the fate which was forced on her, +and to the bearing quietly those hateful fetters which death alone +could tear asunder. + +Still there was something in those simple words which sustained me, +when I was on the point of despairing, and which silenced me when I was +on the point of giving vent to a burst of indignation or despondency. I +even slept a few hours, and could swallow a few morsels which my +faithful attendant had prepared for me. Not a word passed between us; +only when the hour of the wedding approached we had a violent dispute. +I insisted on attending it, and he opposed this to the utmost. At last +when he saw that my resolution was not to be shaken, he brought some of +his clothes and helped me to muffle myself up in them, and then pulled +an old torn straw-hat, which he generally wore in the garden, over my +eyes. I will accompany you Signor Amadeo, for I fear that you will lose +all command over yourself, and that you will require some one to +restrain you. He might have proved right had not the wedding guests, +and the bridal couple entered the church before we reached it, and the +crowd been so great that they stood pressed together, spreading over +the Piazza far beyond the church portal. + +I bitterly reproached the old man for having deceived me with regard to +the hour, but he vehemently asserted his innocence, and his ignorance +of the hour. + +So we waited amongst the crowd, and the sound of the bells, which were +ringing loudly, lulled me into my former state of dull torpor. Suddenly +the cry arose: "Here they come!" I should have sunk down had not Fabio +supported me. I kept myself up, so to speak, by fastening my eyes to +the church door, whence she was to issue forth. When she at last +appeared I was surprised that I could bear the sight, that it even +calmed me, although her husband was walking beside her. He was just the +man I had expected to see from Fabio's description. A creature I could +have felled to the ground at one blow. A smile hovered on his worn +features which made my blood boil. He nodded with a triumphant, and +lofty air to the people around him, and stroked the fair moustache on +his thin upper lip. + +She passed through the crowd without looking up, the expression of her +face was inscrutable, and her eyes were veiled by her long lashes. A +child offered her a bunch of flowers; she took it into her arms, and +kissed it, and I could even perceive a smile on her lips. Had not the +distance been so great, and Fabio watching me I should have pushed my +way through the crowd, and asked her how she dared to smile on such a +day. But the smile had vanished while I was reflecting on it. + +They got into their carriage, and drove off, followed by the parents of +the bride. The old General bending under the weight of his grief, at +the side of his proud young wife. Then came all the dignitaries of the +church who frequented the house. + +"The Archbishop performed the ceremony," said an old woman beside me. +"She would not marry him at first, but they say that the holy father +himself urged her to it. Nothing more has been heard about that other +one, the Lutheran."--"Aye, aye," replied another woman; "it seems that +his sister has died, that is the just penalty for refusing to abjure +his heresy."--And so their foolish talk went on around me. Fabio +dragged me away, and led me by a bye path back to the villa. I let him +do as he pleased with me; all my strength had left me. I was as +unconscious of my actions as a man in a fever, or a sleep walker. + +Even now, when I reflect on the past, I cannot understand how I bore +that day. My nature, generally so impetuous, appeared to be completely +subdued by the great bodily exhaustion caused by that hurried and +sleepless journey from Geneva, and I submitted unresistingly to these +horrible events. + +When I reached the villa, I staggered blindly. Fabio forced me to +swallow several glasses of strong wine in such rapid succession that I +at last sank insensible to the ground. + +When I recovered my senses, night had come on, and it was some time +before I could recollect where I was, and what had occurred. The clear +sky could be seen through the high panes of the glass door, and the +faint light of the new moon fell on the portrait of Beatrice's mother, +who I fancied looked sadly down at me from her place above the chimney. +Then only everything came back to my memory; then I remembered how +terrible was the significance of this night, and what future these +hours foreboded. Then a fearful agony overwhelmed me, and I was brought +to the verge of madness. I cried out aloud and the unearthly sound of +my voice as it echoed through the desolate house terrified me. I threw +myself down on the cold stone floor of the hall, and there I lay +writhing, pressing my face against the ground, and tearing my hair as +if bodily pain could stifle the despair which raged within me. Every +thought which sprung up in me, I willfully thrust back into the general +whirlpool which darkened and confused my mind. I would feel nothing, +think of nothing, but the terrible certainty that my heart's treasure +was now in another's possession; I could not cease from piercing my +heart with this thought, as though it were a poisoned dagger that would +make it bleed to death. At last worn out with this self destructive +frenzy I lay motionless in the dust. The cold stones of the floor +cooled my burning brow, and my tears ceased to flow. After some time, I +roused myself sufficiently to regain my tottering feet, and to crawl +into the garden. At the fountain underneath the evergreen oaks I washed +the tears and the dust from my face, and took a deep draught of the +tepid water, which nevertheless cooled my blood. + +I now considered what remained for me to do, but could not come to any +resolution. One thing, however, I determined on. I would write to her +the next day, and implore her to end this dreadful uncertainty; to rend +asunder the last tie which bound me to her. Then I remembered the words +of her note, but of what avail were they now to me? Now that I had seen +her come out of the church, and that day, and part of the night had +passed without bringing me any comfort. + +When I heard the clock strike midnight, and the moon disappeared I +could no longer bear the awful stillness of the garden, and I returned +to the hall. I lighted a candle and placed it on the mantlepiece; then +I drew a chair near it, took a small volume of Dante from my pocket, +and was soon deeply engaged in perusing the most gloomy and despairing +canto of his "Inferno." + +I had remained thus about an hour, when suddenly I thought I heard the +key turned in the lock of the garden gate. My hair stood on end. I +fancied in the first moment of terror that my poor darling had +destroyed herself, and that her restless spirit now sought me to suck +my heart's blood; but the next moment I had shaken off these senseless +ideas, and regained my composure. I arose and listened attentively in +the stillness of the night. + +The garden gate was opened. I heard steps on the gravel walk--some one +sought for the handle of the hall door; it opened and a youth in a +black cloak and hat appeared on the threshold. Suddenly the hat fell +back from the brow, and I recognized Beatrice. With a cry of joy we +rushed into each other's arms, and clung to one another as though we +could never be torn asunder nor our lips ever parted. + +At last she disengaged herself from my embrace, and her tearful eyes +turned on me with a sad mute gaze. "How pale thou art!" she said; "and +this is all my doing. But now it is all at an end. I have kept my word. +Here I am your own wife, and never another's, though I should suffer +for it in this world, and in the next. Oh! Amadeo, why is this world so +full of wicked people; why do they sully the purest, and revile the +most sacred feelings! Why do they force us to lie, and to perjure +ourselves in the very sight of God. We must say _yes_, with our lips, +while our hearts say _no_. They have brought me to this, that I can +only choose between two sins: either to deliver myself up to a man whom +I despise, or to slink like a thief in the night to one who in the eyes +of the world can never be mine. But God metes with another measure than +these cruel and selfish people; is it not so, Amadeo? He cannot bid me +break my faith to you. He never meant our destruction. I imprisoned in +a convent, and you alone in the world, without love, or joy. He has +destined you for me, and me for you, and now I am yours for ever. That +other one dared not touch me. When we were left alone together, I said +to him: 'If you ever try to approach me, to-day or at any other time, +you will have been my murderer, for I have vowed before God not to +survive the hour in which you dare to claim your right on me. I told +you this before our marriage and you still insisted on its +accomplishment. You then carried the point, now it is my turn.' + +"So I left him, and shut myself up in my room till I knew that every +one in the house was asleep. Nina then brought me this disguise, and +now I am here, Amadeo! The happiness of being yours would be too great +if I had not to strive and suffer for it." + +She clung to my neck and hid her glowing face on my breast. All the +ardour and passion which she had repressed with maidenly pride, and had +not even betrayed by a look, now burst forth in a sudden flame, and +threatened to set my whirling brain on fire. + +When we had at last recovered our power of thought, and speech, she +told me what had occurred after my departure; the intrigues of her +step-mother, the helpless efforts of her father to defend himself, and +his child, against the ascendency of the clergy; her useless attempts +to disarm and confound her enemy by the most unshaken sincerity. At +last, when she perceived that they would mercilessly separate her from +her father, and shut her up in a distant convent, from whence no letter +from her could reach me, she suddenly determined on apparent submission +to every thing for the sake of saving herself and me. "And, in fact, +they only desired an outward victory. What do they care whether my soul +is lost or not," she continued. "Did they ever blame the woman who +bears my poor father's name for indulging all her passions freely? They +are all of them the slaves of appearances, and they cannot bear to look +truth in the face, for it would put them to confusion. Oh! Amadeo, how +often did I form the resolution to fly to you, and then declare openly +that I am your wife, and shall be so to eternity. But you do not know +how powerful they are. Even if we started this very moment, and +travelled day and night they would overtake us, and that would be +certain death to you. Then my poor dear father also, he would not +survive the separation, and such a one, from me. But do not grieve my +love, we are now united and those who know our secret are faithful. +Pardon me, for not telling you of my coming in my note of this morning, +but I knew not for certain whether I should be able to accomplish my +plan, or whether that wretch might not strike me to the ground on my +refusal to acknowledge him as my master. And if I then had staid away, +should you not have suffered greater tortures than in this uncertainty? +You knew that I had pledged myself to you, and that I would keep my +word; that I would be faithful to you, and never belong to any man but +you.--I will return to you every night. The porter who is an honest +fellow, hates his present master, but would have died for you." + +She noticed that in spite of my happiness; my wife sitting on my knee, +that I was silent and thoughtful. "Why are you so sad?" she asked. + +"That we must obtain by fraud what is ours by right," I replied. "That +we must hide in darkness, and mystery as if we committed a crime in +keeping our vows!" + +"Do not think of that," she said, and passed her hand across my +forehead. "The future is unknown to us; we are only certain of the +present hour, and of our own hearts. Why should we not thank God for +it. He surely knows that it is best so. Come now; I am not going to sit +here as your lady love with my hands folded, and leave it to others to +minister to you. You must be half famished, and I too am hungry. I have +tasted nothing since last night. I remember perfectly where Fabio keeps +his provisions. I will go and prepare a wedding feast which will be +more joyful than the last one was, where I saw that every drop of wine +was turned to gall for my poor father." + +She rose, and hastened to the cellar, and larder. In the meantime I +pushed a small table into the middle of the room, and lighted up all +the bits of candle which remained in the dusty chandeliers. When she +returned with the plates and glasses, she stopped on the threshold with +a joyful exclamation. Then she laid the table and filled the glasses +with her own hands from the heavy wicker bottle. "Come," she said, "let +us drink to our future happiness, if your sister were but here I should +desire no other wedding banquet." After drinking this toast, she waited +on me, helping me to the cold meat and olives, persuading me to eat, +and doing the honours like a good little housewife. To please her I +swallowed some morsels though I felt no hunger. She too would hardly +take anything till I began to feed her like a child holding the +choicest morsels to her lips, then she laughingly opened them and +complied with my request. + +"Now I have had enough," she said, rising. "I must provide a better +couch for you than these cushions on the floor. Fabio never thinks +about such things. An old soldier like him hardly perceives whether he +is lying on the bare ground or on a feather-bed. To be sure the wisest +thing for you will be to take possession of my little room upstairs, +instead of remaining here where any body can look in, and betray you." +She took my arm and conducted me thither after we had put out all the +lights. As we passed Fabio's closet, I stopped to listen if he moved. +"Don't mind him," she whispered; "he knows that I am here. A short +while ago, when I fetched the wine, I met him coming from the garden, +where he had plucked the fruit for our wedding feast. He was nearly +beside himself with joy on seeing me; he wept, and kissed my hands. Now +he does not appear, for fear of disturbing us." + +The day had not dawned when she reminded me that we must part. I +insisted on accompanying her back to town, and when she saw the +disguise in which I had ventured out the day before, she consented. She +pulled her broad brimmed hat over her eyes and I wrapped her up in her +large cloak. We then left the house, and proceeded in the direction of +the town. We met not a soul--no lights burned either in the houses or +in the streets--the morning star sparkled alone in the pale azure of +the sky. A cool breeze came from the North. We hardly spoke a word +during our walk. My heart was oppressed, and she too when the moment of +separation approached, seemed to feel, for the first time, how +unnatural was our position. When we reached the house, she clasped me +in her arms with tears in her eyes and held me so for a while before +giving the appointed signal to the porter. "Expect me to-morrow," she +whispered, and disengaging herself from my neck she glided through the +half open door, and I was once more alone in the darkness. + +A bitter feeling came over me. So I had to resign her again, my own, my +bride, who had vowed to belong to no one but me; to leave her at the +threshold of a stranger's house, whose door was for ever closed to me. +Here I had to stand at the entrance, and if the master of the house +appeared, should have to hide in a corner, as a thief from the bailiff. +What would be the end of it? Would a life of so full of bye ways and +mysteries be endurable. Can that be called happiness which can only be +obtained at the price of daily torment, and anxiety? + +Before I reached the villa I had firmly resolved to put an end to this +insufferable position. From that moment I felt easy at heart, and as I +walked along the deserted road, could fully rejoice in the unalloyed +happiness which had been granted me, and I considered in its minutest +details how the plan which was to unite us for ever was to be +accomplished. + +In the garden of the villa I found the old man at work. I apprized him +of my scheme, and though he thought the execution of it would be more +difficult than I expected, he willingly agreed to do all I asked of +him, and this was no slight sacrifice at his age, the more so that he +would have to part with his daughter. But where Bicetta's happiness was +concerned, he had no will of his own. + +We both spent the day in preparations. More than once, while taking our +measures, I had occasion to admire the circumspection, and the +foresight of the old soldier. During the afternoon I slept, and at ten +o'clock at night, I was stationed at the gate of the town through which +she had to come. We had not settled that I was to meet her, so when I +stepped out of my lurking place, she started back but instantly +recognizing me as I pushed back my hat she gave me her still trembling +hand, from underneath her cloak. So we walked along gazing at each +other in silence, for we met several tardy wayfarers who were returning +to the town, and feared to awaken their suspicion should they hear a +soft woman's voice underneath that broad brimmed hat only when we had +reached the villa, and its comfortable hall where lights were burning, +and a rustic meal had been prepared for us by Fabio, she again talked +freely. She told me how she had passed the day, how long and dreary it +had appeared to her. Richino had treated her with a rigid coldness, +hoping to mortify her by it, and to force her to make some advances, +but before the world, her parents and their numberless visitors, he had +assumed the manners of a happy young husband. In the evening however, +he had bowed to her without a word, and had withdrawn to his apartment. +"This cannot last," I suddenly said, after a long silence; "It is as +unworthy of you, as it is of me. We must put an end to it. Your +decision alone is wanting. Mine is already formed." + +"Amadeo!" she exclaimed, and her eyes turned towards me with a +wondering look. "What can you mean? Separation! Oh death rather than +that!" + +"No," I replied, "fear not; I do not demand what is impossible to me as +well as to you. Leave thee my wife, my second self, truly that would be +death! But our present existence, is it not worse than death? A life +which must in time, kill the soul's freedom and dignity, and will +sooner or later cause our ruin. But even if it did succeed, which is +most improbable, if I could remain here concealed year after year, in +what a wretched state should I not drag through the weary days; idle +and solitary cut off from all society but yours; condemned to an +aimless, useless life, consumed by the torture of an obscure, and +worthless existence. But even if, in more favourable circumstances, I +could openly come to your house as your declared lover I would not do +it; I could not brook this state of ambiguity and falsehood. I must be +able to acknowledge my feelings, and openly take possession of what is +mine. Do you now understand me my darling?" + +She nodded, and her eyes were pensively fixed on the ground.--"I know +how painful it will be for you," I continued, and took her cold and +lifeless hand in mine, "You feel that you must leave your father, +perhaps for ever, if he cannot summon courage enough to follow us; You +must leave your country, and all that is dear to you, and has taken +root in your heart from childhood upwards. You can no longer kneel in +the church on the same spot where your mother once prayed--You dread +the strange country all the more, that you will have to enter it as a +fugitive, and not with the rejoicings and honours due to a bride. You +imagine that you would not dare to lift up your eyes to those who love +you. Is it not so Beatrice?" + +She again nodded; then she looked up to me and said, "I will bear all +if it can make you happy." + +"My own love," I resumed clasping her in my arms; "You have full +confidence in me, have you not? You believe that I have carefully +considered what I owe to you, and to myself, and that I would not +shrink from any sacrifice so long as my honour is not concerned, and +that it does not lower me in your eyes. There is but one way of escape +possible from all the snares and fetters which our enemies have thrown +around us. You said truly that flight with the swiftest horses would +not save us: no, we must set about it with more caution, if we do not +wish to be overtaken. I have spoken to Fabio, he knows all the ways to +Ancona as thoroughly as he knows this garden. He will be our guide. We +shall travel on foot, dressed as peasants and only at night, once +there, we shall embark for Venice. Fabio too leaves all that is dear +and valuable to him, only for our sakes, in order that he may assist us +to recover our freedom and happiness. Are you courageous enough +Beatrice? Do you feel strong enough to undertake this journey at your +husband's side?" + +"I will follow you all over the world," she said, and pressed my hand; +"You shall have no cause to complain; I can do all you expect of me." + +I embraced her with great emotion. "Come, then, I said; let us take +some food to strengthen us for the journey." + +"To-night Amadeo? I implore you with all my heart, ask anything of me, +but that I should leave this without once more seeing my poor father, +without the sacred memorials of my mother which I keep at home. I +promise you that nothing shall alter my resolution, not a tear shall +betray me, when I kiss my father for the last time. I feel that without +that, without bidding him at least a mute farewell I should find no +rest, and the longing for home would kill me. As yet, we risk nothing. +No one knows that you are here, no one sees me coming, or going. I +shall not even acquaint Nina with our plan. To-morrow evening when I +leave my home, it shall be for ever; that I promise you. Grant me only +these few hours, and then, I shall be as entirely yours, as if I had +fallen from heaven into your arms, and had no other home than your +heart." She looked at me with an imploring expression which I could not +resist, although I felt uneasy at the slightest delay. I gave way to +her entreaties, and her gaiety then returned, and soon banished every +care from my mind. We supped together; Fabio waited on us, and not a +word more was said of our project. I then sent Fabio to his bed, and +brought in the dessert myself, and a bottle of sweet wine which she +liked to drink only a thimble full of, at a time, but even a few drops +of it sufficed to give her pale cheeks a rosy tint. Who could have, +seen us, joyous as we were together, and have believed that we had +obtained these brief hours of happiness by stealth, and were enjoying +them clandestinely. + +She then drew me into the garden. "Let me bid farewell to all my +friends, to the pomegranate, the orange trees, the fountain. To-morrow +there will not be time for it." We walked arm in arm into the garden. +She drank once more from the marble fountain, put a few oranges +in her pocket, and plucked a spray from the pomegranate. "These +must go with me," she observed, "in your home in the north, these +things do not grow. I shall soon learn to do without them. And this +shuttlecock,"--she picked it up as she saw it lying forgotten in the +grass, "I will not leave behind. Our children," she whispered, and drew +close to me, "shall play with it, and you will tell them how you +exchanged your heart for one of these feathery balls." + +We had now reached the place where I had once looked over the wall. +There underneath the spreading branches of the trees, the sward had +remained fresh, and soft, and the air was pure, and free from dust. +"Let us pass the remainder of the night here," I said, "I will bring +some cushions from the house." I returned and brought a few, and also a +cloak for Beatrice. She wrapped herself up in it and soon slept calmly, +but it was long before I could find repose. I listened to her gentle +breathing, and gazed at her sweet face, with the closed eyes up-turned +to the grey sky. She murmured some indistinct words in a dream. I could +not understand them, but their soft tone still lingers in my ear. + +At last I too slept; I know not for how many hours. When I awoke, the +day had not yet dawned, but she was gone. A sudden fear seized me, why +had she left me? I jumped up to ascertain whether Fabio, at least, had +accompanied her. Hardly had I taken a few steps, when I heard the bell +at the garden gate pulled violently. In that moment a fearful +foreboding came over me, and forgetting all prudence, I dashed across +the garden, and round the house towards the gate. Nevertheless old +Fabio had reached it before me, and when I turned the corner, I saw him +trying to lift up a dark figure which had sunk down at the entrance of +the garden. + +"Beatrice!" I cried and rushed to the spot. When I reached it, she just +opened her eyes again, and supported by Fabio, she turned towards me +with a look of intense anguish and despair, but directly she tried to +smile again. "It is nothing Amadeo," she gasped out with a great +effort, her hand pressed to her heart. "Do not be alarmed, I do not +feel much pain. Are you vexed that I left, without awaking you? You +slept so quietly, and I thought there was no danger. How could he have +discovered that you were concealed here? Yes to be sure, I forgot to +tell you what Richino said to me yesterday at table; he spoke in French +to prevent the people from understanding him: 'Do you believe in +ghosts, Madame? If such things exist, they are welcome to roam about, +but if living creatures take it into their heads to play the +_revenants_, upon my honour, I will take good care that they are soon +turned into real phantoms.' + +"I fancied that these were only idle words. Alas, Amadeo, now I cannot +travel with you; you will have to go alone, and in this very hour. +Those two who were on the watch outside the garden gate; certainly +expected you to pass. They called to me when I was ten paces distant +from the gate, and asked for my name. I gave no answer, so they did +what had been ordered them. They did not succeed however; see I can +still walk and even speak. Leave me here and do not be uneasy on my +account. I shall not die. When I hear that you are in safety then I +will follow you. Go my darling husband--before the break of day--Give +me your hand--kiss me." + +Her voice grew faint; her knees could no longer support her. We carried +her, insensible, into the hall, and laid her on a low couch. When we +pushed back her cloak, and opened her coat, the blood streamed over our +hands. I bent over her; she heaved a deep sigh, looked at me once +again, and sunk back to rise no more. + +Let me pass over that morning in silence. + +When the sun shone through the glass door, it found me still kneeling +beside her couch, and gazing on her pale face. Old Fabio crouched in a +corner, and sobbed. + +Suddenly we heard her name called from without. Nina rushed in, and +with a loud cry, threw herself on the corpse. By her demeanour it +seemed as if she had been struck a deadly blow. Then in the midst of +her convulsive sorrow, she roused herself, and turning me she said, +"You must escape; I hastened hither to caution you and Beatrice. A +short while ago Richino entered her bedroom and sought her. I know now +for what reason; it was to tell her that the man she loved was dead. He +hardly expected it to end as it has done. When he perceived that she +was not in her room, he turned pale as death, and went away. But +believe me, he will come to seek her here, and if he finds those +dreadful marks on the path--listen! I hear footsteps approaching--they +are his. Fly! they forebode death to you." I replied not, but rose and +stood by the couch of my dead wife. + +The door opened and he entered.... + +Whatever he had meant to say, the sight before him turned him to stone. +He staggered back, and clung to the door post for support. His +cadaverous face was distorted by helpless horror. I saw that he +struggled in vain for breath. + +"What do you seek here?" I said at last. "You hoped to find me lying +covered with blood; your servants did your bidding promptly, but +unfortunately they mistook the person. So you are disappointed of your +malignant pleasure. You could not crown your deed by awakening this +unhappy woman, of whose heart not a particle was yours, with the +tidings that her lover was dead, and would never return. What hinders +me," I continued, approaching him, and clenching my hands with rage, +and maddening pain. "What hinders me from crushing you beneath my feet, +and casting you out of the house, so that you should no longer pollute +with your breath this sacred dwelling of the dead. If you had loved +her, miserable scoundrel, if you could extenuate your deed by a human +passion--but you would have taken possession of her, you would have +abased this noble soul to your own level, only for the sake of +gratifying your low desires, and because you were incited by others. +Go, I say, hide your face in eternal darkness. Assassin! I swear that +if you dare to stretch out your hand towards the dead, or cast your +eyes on her once again, I will tear you to pieces with my own hands! +Away with you!"-- + +In the midst of this outburst of my fury, I was silenced by the +expression of his face, on which an expression of intense pain +appeared. It seemed as if the ground reeled underneath him, as if it +were going to burst asunder and devour him. He did not look at any one; +he tried to raise his head, but sank down on the threshold completely +overcome and remained so for several minutes. I had to avert a sort of +pity, which I should have deemed a crime. When I had regained +sufficient composure to say a few last words to him, I saw him totter +like a drunken man towards the gate, and leave the garden. + +I then allowed Nina to take off Beatrice's man's clothes, and to dress +her in the same white gown in which I had first seen her. There she lay +smiling peacefully amongst the flowers which her faithful attendant had +brought from the garden and the conservatory, and so she remained +during the day. Nina had just concluded this last act of friendship, +when we heard a carriage approach the gate. Her father sat in it, pale, +and with an insane smile hovering on his withered lips. Fabio, with +scalding tears, assisted him to leave the carriage, and led him into +the hall. When he saw his child surrounded by the apparel of death he +dropped silently on his knees, and pressed his forehead on her folded +hands. When at last we tried to raise him, we found that a paralysis of +the heart had compassionately united him to his darling. + +In the following night we buried them both. No one was present but +Fabio, and Nina. Don Vigilio pronounced the benediction on the dead. He +told me afterwards that Richino had appointed it so, and had given +orders that all my requests were to be complied with as if I were +master of the house. He had received no visitors, and after a violent +scene with his mother-in-law, had on the same day left Bologna for +Rome. + +The widow of the General entered a convent for the time of her +mourning. I for my part when the earth had closed over the two coffins, +took horse, and before the day had dawned was on my way to Florence. + +A year after, I read in the papers that the widow of the General had +married the young count, her faithful admirer. But though I often +returned to Bologna to visit the grave of my wife I never saw either of +them again. + + + + + + + BEGINNING, AND END. + + + + + + BEGINNING, AND END. + + +In the deep bay window of an otherwise brilliantly lighted saloon, a +single candle, supported by the arms of a winged figure in chased +silver, shed its faint lustre. + +This soft shade was increased by broad-leaved plants, the last blossoms +of the season, and by a slender palm-tree whose delicate branches +arched gracefully above the entrance of this dusky bower. Two chairs +stood beside each other in the background, inviting to repose, but only +one of them was occupied. + +The slender figure of a young woman reclined in it, her head supported +by her arm. Those who suspected her of retiring from the gay company to +this verdant hiding-place in order to attract attention or cause a +search to be made for her wronged her. She thought not of the effect +produced by the delicate half shade of the palm-tree on her pure white +brow, nor of the soft moonshine-like reflex of the candlelight on the +shining waves of her dark hair. Neither did she take advantage of the +solitude around her, whilst a girlish voice was heard singing to the +piano at the further end of the room, to indulge in those reveries +which in the summer time of life so often take their abode underneath +the closed eyelids. In a word, she slumbered. The music to which she +had at first dreamily listened, had at last lulled her to sleep like a +tired child. She did not even awake when the song being ended, the old +gentlemen around applauded encouragingly, the piano stool was pushed +back, and the hum of the interrupted conversation again sounded through +the saloon with renewed vivacity. + +No one came to disturb her; she was a stranger in this society, and +besides there was a certain expression of grave reserve in her +countenance which did not encourage new acquaintances. + +It was her fate to be considered proud. She knew it, but the little +effort she made to dispel this error arose more from indifference than +contempt. A familiar voice which addressed her by her name at last +aroused her. She opened her eyes in some confusion and saw the master +of the house standing before her, and by his side a stranger whose +forehead reached up to the branches of the palm-tree. + +"Allow me to interrupt your meditation, Madam," said the host with a +smile. "I here present to you my friend, and cousin Valentine, who only +returned to Germany a few weeks ago, and a few hours since became my +guest. We must now try to retain him, and who could undertake this task +with more success than our fair country women." + +He had long left them and, still they remained opposite each other +without a word of greeting. His eyes were fixed on the red rose which +adorned her hair, and only a slight movement among the palm leaves +betrayed that the blood rushed vehemently through his veins. + +The lady's face was raised towards him with an earnest expression, as +if she were trying to solve a problem. Was the veil which sleep had +thrown over her eyes, not yet removed? Was this meeting only the vision +of a dream. But no, could a dream have the power of changing, as time +had done, the well known features before her; of thinning the curly +hair, and of drawing those lines above the eye-brows which she had +noticed at the first glance? + +The longer he delayed in addressing her, the deeper grew the blush that +suffused her cheek. Several times her lips parted as if to speak, but +still she remained silent, and fixed her eyes on the ground. Her fan +slid on the carpet. He did not pick it up. + +At last he said, "Madam Eugenie, permit me to call you so, for I have +just arrived here and have omitted to ask our host for your husband's +name; how strangely we meet in this life. I am truly astonished at my +want of presentiment which never foretold me by a sign from heaven or +from earth that I should find you here." + +"A special motive caused me to undertake this journey," she hastily +said. "I intend to put my son to school and I am told that there is one +here in which he will be well taken care of. I arrived to-day after +having spent a sleepless night in the carriage, and I must confess to +you that just as you came up, weak human nature, against all good +breeding, was on the point of making up for lost time. I tell you this +because the cool, and absent way in which I received you must have +seemed strange to so old a friend." + +She stretched out her hand to him. "I thank you," he replied, and his +face brightened, "for having remembered my small claim on your +friendship. Pray continue to treat me on the old footing, and resume +your repose, which I unfortunately disturbed. I will take care that no +one enters the bower: I can keep watch behind this palm-tree." + +She laughed. "No, I did not mean that. I am only too tired to converse +with perfect strangers. Come, sit down by me, if you will be satisfied +with my good intentions, and tell me how the past, and the present have +fared with you." + +"You will best be able to judge for yourself how it has fared with me +when I confide to you my situation at the present moment. My friend has +only invited me here for the sake of marrying me. He regards it as a +duty. What do you say to that? In what a sad state must not that man be +whose friends consider it their duty to render him harmless?" + +"You alarm me," she replied with a smile. "When I first knew you, you +were, if not actually harmless, at least far from causing so much +mischief that you had to be laid in chains for the sake of the public +safety." + +"You are deriding me, Madam. Ah that talent of yours, how well I know +it. This time however your darts did not touch me. My charitable cousin +fears not for others, but for my own safety. He believes that if I +continue to reside alone in the old castle which I have bought; +abandoned to my own crotchets, only occupied in catching hares and +helping the peasants in their agricultural affairs, which I do not +myself understand, that I should sooner or later lose the little sense +which he kindly presumes is left to me. You see he wishes to treat me +homeopathically, dispersing one folly by another. Perhaps he is right. +Those who have proved themselves incapable of regulating their lives +properly, should be grateful, should they not, to their friends for +taking the trouble off their hands, and quietly follow their advice; +but I fancy sometimes that their kind intentions have come too late for +me." + +"Too late? I must combat that assertion. Fourteen years have passed +since we last met, and if you did not then make yourself younger than +you were, you can hardly now have reached the prime of life." + +"Make myself younger! Good heavens! to do just the contrary would then +have conduced more to my interests. But of what are you reminding me +Eugenie?" + +"Is your betrothed young, handsome amiable?" she quickly resumed; "I +would not ask these questions which imply a doubt, if you had not told +me that you had authorized your friend to dispose of your heart, and in +these matters friends are not always to be relied on." + +"You greatly wrong our most amiable host," he said laughingly; "Not +only are these cardinal virtues not wanting, but all three of them are +three times combined." + +"Three times?" + +"I mean in three different samples, as I have been told; so it will be +difficult to choose." + +"And each of the three young ladies is desperately in love with you? +Then a twofold catastrophe is inevitable." + +"Up to this hour none of my destined brides know of my existence. Their +father----" + +"So they are sisters?" + +"Yes. A fair, an auburn, and a dark haired one. You see there is no +possibility of escape; Every taste is provided for. Early to-morrow the +merciless disposer of my heart, and hand takes me in his carriage, and +delivers me over to my destiny. They live in L---- not quite four hours +drive from this. Horse dealing is to be the pretext. The father who is +the doctor of that small town, has a thorough-bred grey Arab in his +stables." + +"You go forth as Saul the son of Kish. I hope you may return like him +with a kingdom." + +"If you but knew," he said pensively, "how little I covet that dignity: +is not a king fettered by his duties? To-day I am still free, so I take +the liberty of sitting down beside you, and of talking with you of that +happy time when I too was held captive, but by enchanting fetters." + +She remained silent while he threw himself into the second arm-chair, +and turned it so that he could see nothing of the company in the +saloon; but only the plants before him, and the charming face of the +young woman, lighted up by the solitary candle. Meanwhile the mistress +of the house had sat down to the piano, and began to play a waltz; and +soon the light branches of the palm-tree trembled in the whirlwind +caused by the passing couples. Eugenie silently watched the gay scene +before her. With her left hand she played with a gold chain, and in the +right, held carelessly a large bouquet on her lap. + +Valentine stedfastly gazed at her; when she observed it, she took up +the nosegay and buried her face in it. "You think it somewhat +indiscreet on my part," he said, "that I sit before you, as though I +were admiring a fine painting; but is it not pardonable if I gaze with +astonishment on that soft bloom which remains as fresh as though hardly +a day had passed since our last meeting. If I banished from my mind the +thought that fourteen years have gone over my head, and that I may be a +married man to-morrow, I might easily delude myself into the belief +that I am sitting in the conservatory of your parent's house, and have +just laid aside the book in which I had been reading aloud to you, who +were meanwhile watching the gnats dancing on the pond, or the falling +of the leaves. In reality however, only youth can give us those hours +of enraptured extasy, that entire blending of the soul with the soul of +nature, when we are freed from the fetters of our own individuality +only to be united, like a plant, all the more closely with the +elements. When I walked home, still entranced, after one of those +evenings, I felt as if I were carried along the poplar alley, as a +feather is borne by the breeze. In later years we often call that +feeling sentimentality, but even now I cannot laugh at it." + +"If I smiled at it in those days, I now feel as if I ought to apologize +for it. We girls are taught by our education to watch over our +sentiments, and to be cautious in our enthusiasms. Now I may confess to +you that I often only wished for Cora to disturb our reading hour by +her barking, or for Frederick to summon us to tea, because I could no +longer restrain my tears." + +"You always had the firmer character of the two. The cement which has +consolidated my nature has only grown hard in the bracing atmosphere of +a stirring, and active life. But the names you have just uttered, what +remembrances they bring back to me! My friend, and my enemy, Frederick, +and Cora. That dear old Frederick. I know that he heartily pitied me, a +feeling which is said to be rare between rivals. You cannot be ignorant +of the feelings with which you inspired him. He worshipped you as +devotedly as a gardener, a servant, can worship his young mistress. He +looked on his case as still more hopeless than mine, though with regard +to our social position, his was by far the more settled of the two. The +quiet sympathy of hopelessness united us. Often when he had come to +fetch us from the conservatory and you were skipping before us after +your dog, and overtaking it, would catch it up in your arms, and kiss +it, he would turn to me with jealous wrath, and say: 'Now, can you +understand, Master Valentine, what pleasure our young lady can find in +hugging that stupid brute?' With an indignant shake of his head; the +hair of which he always arranged carefully, since he served at table, +and could offer you the dishes. If you confess the truth, you will own +that you only fondled that ugly creature for the sake of driving us +distracted." + +"Do not speak ill of the dead," rejoined Eugenie. "Cora sleeps the +sleep of death, not far from the pond where the bench stands underneath +the elm-tree; do you remember it?" + +"How could I have forgotten it? Was it not on that bench that I +fastened your skates, when we started on that skating expedition with +your cousin Lucy. How is your cousin getting on?" + +"She is now a fine lady, with a large family. If she only knew that I +have met you here! Not more than a month ago we were talking of you. +She has a kind remembrance of you, and has not forgotten that bright +winter's afternoon, when we first initiated you in the art of skating, +and she maintains that you squeezed her hand on that occasion with more +ardour than your later behaviour warranted. Since then a shade of +fickleness darkens the otherwise favourable recollection she has of +you." + +"Good heavens!" he exclaimed laughing; "so the most harmless cannot +escape suspicion. To be sure I was not wholly guiltless, but as it so +often happens I must suffer for another sin than that which I really +committed. When you both held my hands to guide my first steps on the +slippery plain, I longed to express more to you by the firm pressure of +my hand than the mere desire not to fall. But you were always +inaccessible to any intelligence of that kind. You will now bear me +witness that I need not reproach myself with regard to little Lucy. Ah! +I still remember it all as if it had been yesterday! I still feel the +glow which rushed through my veins, in spite of the cold December wind; +the enrapturing touch of your hand, which seemed to linger with me for +weeks after. Do not be displeased," he continued, "at my speaking so +freely of all this. We are no longer the same and can now talk of these +things as though they had occurred to some one else. Is it not an +innocent pleasure if I now tell you what so often hung on my lips in +those days, and was always repressed by that unlucky timidity of mine. +We now meet as good comrades do after having settled a debt." + +"And which of us is the creditor?" she asked. "Both of us," he replied. +"Do you not think that I too have some right to that title? If you but +knew what trouble you have caused me; how long your image stood between +me, and every enjoyment of life. But you must have guessed it. When I +used to watch for you on your way to your drawing lesson, when my heart +beat at the sight of your checked cloak, and grey hat--and when I +passed you with all the equanimity I could muster, happy in having been +allowed to salute you, did the unfortunate fate of the poor lad who so +humbly bowed to you never smite your conscience?" + +"You are greatly mistaken my dear friend," she said, with a charming +look of merriment. "I blushed whenever I met any one in that attire +which I fancied gave me the appearance of a scarecrow. The cloak had +long passed out of fashion, but my mother thought it good enough for +the drawing lesson. How many tears of mortified vanity have I not dried +with a corner of that detested garment." + +He laughed. "You see how widely our natures differ. Fate did wisely in +separating us. I for my part on my travels through the world vainly +sought for a similar cloak which seemed to me to be the essence of all +that is beautiful. In France I once remarked at some distance the same +kind of checked stuff. I rushed after it, but found to my +disappointment that the wearer in no way resembled the lady of my +thoughts. Since that time I am inclined to believe that it was the +wearer and not the garment which haunted the dreams of my youth." + +During this conversation the music had continued and the air in the +apartment became hot and oppressive. The young woman agitated her fan, +and inhaled with parted lips the refreshing breeze from it. She +reminded her friend of a remark he had once read in a French book on +the affinity existing between certain blue eyes, and certain glittering +teeth. He told her so. "You see," he continued, "how freely I take +advantage of the privilege of friendship, telling you every thought +which crosses my mind, I make up for my long silence, and you will not +take it amiss. Truly it seems that Providence intends to make me a good +husband and father as on the eve of the important step I am about to +take it relieves my mind from all anxiety regarding it. If I had not +met you, I should never, even in the midst of every domestic felicity, +have been able to rid myself of the fear that some day or other you +would appear, and turn my head as you did years ago. Now that you know +my intentions and that we have placed our friendship on a warm, and +steady footing, I can start on to-morrow's expedition in search of a +wife, with an easy heart." + +They had both risen, and now admired the flowers. "How beautiful this +candelabra is," she remarked. "Fortuna subjected by man, and made to +give him light." + +"I believe it to represent the goddess of victory. The ball on which +fortune glides from us, is wanting here, but Victory remains faithful +to the daring." + +"In that case Victory by serving you on the eve of your expedition, +foretells you good luck." + +"I see you doubt my courage Madam. Certainly you above all others have +a right to do so. But this time I hope to manage my affairs better than +I did fourteen years ago. I intend to challenge my fortune, be it good, +or bad, and force an answer from it. If she smiles on me, I promise you +that to you first, I shall be the herald of my heroic achievement. But +enough of myself as a topic; as yet you have told me nothing of your +own life, and how the years have passed with you. I could not muster +courage to make enquiries about you. After I heard that you were +married, I studiously avoided every place where tidings of you could +reach me. I am even unacquainted with the name of your husband. Will +you introduce me to him. He probably has accompanied you here?" + +"I lost my husband seven years ago." + +He started--"My son is all that is left to me," she resumed, "and I +must now part with him. He has become quite unruly from staying with my +mother in the country, and even if I could find a tutor who knew how to +manage him, I should be sorry to see him pass the merry time of youth +without any companions of his own age." + +"I long to see him," he hastily said, without lifting his eyes from the +flowers in her hand. "So he has lost his father; poor child! When he +has grown up you must send him on a visit to me. I will take him out +hunting, give him my horses to ride, and if he should fall in love with +my daughter, why in that case the beginning and the end would once more +be united, although in a different manner from what blind mortal, once +dreamt. Would you consent to the match Eugenie?" and he stretched out +his hand to her. + +"With all due regard to the future father-in-law of my son," she +replied gaily. "I should wish first to see the young lady herself, +especially as you cannot even answer for her mother." + +"Of course you must approve of the mother; I should never think of +marrying her, if she had the misfortune to displease you! The wisest +course would be!"-- + +The conversation was here interrupted by a young man, who hesitatingly +approached the embrasure of the window, with the intention of inviting +the lady to dance. She declined, alleging the fatigue of her night +journey as an excuse, and then she left the bower, and mingled with +the rest of the company. Valentine who had remained standing by the +palm-tree, watched her figure amongst the others, and now and then he +fancied he heard her voice. It appeared to him as if he had forgotten +some question of importance, and he tried to recall it to his mind. At +last he remembered that he ought to have enquired for her mother. He +went in search of her to repair his neglect but he could not find her +either in the saloon or in the adjoining rooms. She had disappeared. + + + * * * * * + + +It was on the second day after this meeting; a dense morning fog +still filled the street but the air above was clear, and promised a +sunny day, that in one of the rooms of the hotel, Eugenie sat at a +writing-table, an unfinished letter lying before her. Her folded hands +rested on the paper, and her thoughts strayed far away from the +contents of those lines. + +Now and then when a step was heard in the passage, she started up, and +listened, but they always passed the door, and she remained alone. + +Why did all her thoughts revert to the past, to that particular walk in +the garden where the sunflowers and china asters grew, and the small +fruit-trees threw long shadows across the cabbage beds. The sun was +shining through the high hedge but the air did not resound with the +song of birds. To-morrow when the day waned, she would be far away from +this homely spot, and when she returned, the fruit-trees would be bare, +and snow would cover the ground. The young student who walked by her +side and was digging holes in the gravel with the point of her parasol, +was fully aware of this. He had seen the travelling carriage in the +courtyard, and watched Frederick fastening the valise on the box. When +people start on a journey, who can tell if they will return, or at +least return the same as they went. Is it not expedient then to +exchange one's last bequests, especially if each is disposed to +bequeath body and soul to the other. + +If he had but known how highly he ought to value her condescension in +leading the way to this remote and solitary corner of the garden. As +she walked along, she upbraided herself with having thus far made +advances to him. But she would not take a step further, now it was his +turn to forward matters, and if he did not, she would never forgive +herself for having done so much to loosen his tongue. For it had +a high opinion of the dignity of its sex, this young head of seventeen, +and if the unfortunate youth by her side, had choked with mute respect, +she would not have spoken a word to help him. Was not this walk +sufficiently secluded, and the sun at their backs; was it not the only +time she had ever walked with him in the kitchen garden, and above all, +had he not seen the travelling carriage in the yard. + +On no account, however, was he to perceive that she had contrived all +this for his sake. She talked eagerly of the approaching journey, +expressed her pleasure at seeing her cousins again, and laughingly +described every one of them. + +They had reached the end of the walk, and had looked over the hedge, +but he became more and more laconic. At last he quite ceased talking +and she too became silent. Feelings of passion and mortification rose +in her breast, and nearly choked her. Then she suddenly turned towards +him, and colouring deeply said: "Let us now go back; and give me my +parasol. I shall want it on my journey, and you will break it to +pieces. I must hasten home, as I still have many things to pack. Do you +know that I quite shudder when I think of how much my intellectual +refinement will retrograde during my absence. I shall hardly remember +the English kings in Shakespear's works, which you have taken so much +trouble to impress on my mind. It is a pity, but what can I do? My +cousins are not such pedants as you are. If I return--but who can tell +whether my aunt will not keep me through the winter. Well, it may be a +long time before we can resume our studies and if I pass my examination +badly, this long absence must plead for me." + +More than a year passed before they met again--When the morning +arrived, the travelling carriage was ready to start and the ladies +sitting in it, he approached the door of it and offered a bouquet. The +mother accepted it with many thanks. Eugenie nodded gaily to him, and +gave him her gloved hand. He did not see her pale face, and swollen +eyes behind her thick veil. He closed the door and bowed. As the +carriage drove away, Frederic turned once more towards Valentine, and +across his honest face there passed an expression of pity for his less +fortunate rival. + +This had been in autumn. When they returned in the middle of winter, +Valentine had left the town; he was occupied at a small court of +justice in the country. Only in the following summer he once again rang +the well known bell at the garden gate. On being told that the house +was full of visitors, cousins, and others who were strangers to him, he +charged the servant with a message that he would return another time; +but a cold bow from her mother whom he met in the streets next day, +showed him that he should not find all as he had hoped; so he never +returned. + +Was his absence regretted? Who could solve the enigma on Eugenie's pale +face, when three years later, she married the man her mother had chosen +for her. But now when her thoughts wandered back from the letter before +hereto those days of old, the words of a pensive song resounded in her +heart: "There was a time when happiness was mine to give and take +etc."---- + +The clattering of swift hoofs was now heard in the street, and she flew +to the window. A horseman on a beautiful grey Arab galloped through the +thick fog which closed behind him. Clouds of steam arose from the +reeking nostrils of the horse. + +With an agitated glow in her eyes, she watched the proud and manly +bearing of the rider, and the ease with which he managed his restless +horse. What a difference between this chivalrous firmness, and the soft +pensive manner of his youth. Still she had recognized at their first +meeting, that his heart had lost none of its fresh bloom; it was +developed not changed. Had he this time divested himself of his former +timidity, and spoken the binding words? She shuddered at the thought. + +Rapid steps were now heard ascending the stairs. Her habitual +self-command did not forsake her, and when Valentine entered the room, +her face was calm in spite of the quick beating of her heart. She met +him with a smile, and offered him her hand. "Good morning," she said: +"so you have kindly kept your promise! The triumphant prancing of your +horse has already apprised me that you return crowned with success." + +"Eugenie," he replied, "you must highly value my visit of to-day, for I +have made it in spite of my conviction that you will have a good laugh +at my expense. My only acquisition by yesterday's expedition is this +horse which I paid for in ready money, and this apple which I stole." +And he laid a fine wax-like apple on the table. "I do not hold the +booty obtained by your campaign so very despicable. I understand +nothing about horses, but as you doubtless obtained the apple from the +hands of your chosen one"---- + +"If I had but reached that point," he resumed despondingly; "the rest +would be easy enough. You are greatly mistaken, however, if you are +inwardly accusing me of having been again wanting in courage. It was +the superfluity of it which in this case hindered my success. Upon my +word, I would, without the slightest hesitation, have made a +declaration to each of the three young ladies, one after the other." + +"What a pretty disaster you would have caused." "I never expected +anything of you but an ironical pity. Still--you may judge from this +how thoroughly perplexed I am--I turn to you for help." + +"You expect more of me than with the best intentions I can give you." + +"Ah, but you can help me Eugenie. Now listen and I will give you an +account of it all. My friend, and I spent a whole day in their +company." + +"That is either a very long, or a very short time as you take it." + +"You are right. The time is long enough to fall in love with all three +sisters, and much too short to decide which of them is to be preferred. +The only way would be to take the whole batch from the nest." + +"Are the nestlings so unfledged that they would submit to that?" + +"To tell the truth I never thought of that. The chief thing for me is +to get so enraptured with one of the sisters, that she should banish +the other two from my mind. But at my age it is difficult to grow +enthusiastic." + +"Then all three are equally irresistible?" + +"Quite so, all of them made to be kissed, and each of them a different +style of beauty; so that when one sees them, together one feels that +one could never be satisfied with only one of them." + +"Your account is given in too vague and extravagant terms. I wish to +have it in proper order, and with every detail. First then comes the +fair, then the auburn, then the dark one; or how do they follow in +age?" + +"I don't know." + +"Well, then we will arrange them according to size, and begin with the +smallest. Is it the auburn haired young lady?" + +"I really cannot tell." + +"You seem to have employed your time badly, or was it the triple +fascination which had such power over your feelings from the first, +that your senses left you?" + +"Certainly I cannot excuse myself on that score," he replied laughing. +"I do not remember a more disagreeable sensation than I had yesterday +on my way to L----. A visit to the dentist is a pleasure trip compared +to it. Several times I was on the point of jumping out of the carriage, +but then I reflected that my cousin's horses would soon have overtaken +me, and then I should have been delivered over ignominiously into the +hands of my evil destiny. For on this point, my friend, who is in every +other respect so yielding, knows no mercy. So I plucked up courage, and +thinking over all the evil that had ever befallen me in the course of +my life I tried to find comfort by repeating that in fact it all +amounted very much to the same thing. At last we arrived. I had +stipulated from the beginning that my cousin should not say a word of +my real purpose, either to the father, or to the young ladies. The +doctor was not at home when we first arrived, so we only found the +sisters of fate in the neatest of dresses, fresh and charming like +three rose buds on one stalk. Yes in truth they equalled the three +graces, and their manners too were far from being provincial. I could +not tire of looking at them." + +"The beginning seems promising." + +"When they perceived us, they left their several domestic occupations, +and ran to meet my cousin. Then arose a delightful trio of merry +girlish voices around us. Of course my share of their words, and looks +of greeting, was at first only what civility demanded, and I was quite +contented with this, as it gave me a good opportunity of quietly +observing them. When I first entered the room, and perceived the dark +haired young lady, who looked up from her work with large and wondering +eyes, I said to myself; This is the one, I always had a prediliction +for dark hair. The next moment however, I again wavered at the sight of +the fair haired one, whose voice is as clear as a bird's, and her skin +as white as the cherry blossom. Then the auburn haired one entered, +grace and modesty personified. You will understand, that under these +circumstances my countenance did not wear a very intelligent +expression. However I was soon on very good terms with the three young +ladies, and when they conducted me to the stables to show me the horse, +I even took the liberty of lifting the fair one on its back, and led it +about in the courtyard." + +"Then it is the fair one." + +"Not exactly; I only gave her a ride because she was the most +courageous, and appeared to be very familiar with the grey Arab. She +sat on his back with folded arms as calmly as if she had been on her +sofa, whereas the auburn haired one clung to the mane with a charming +timidity." + +"So all three had to display their horsemanship; at least you can now +judge of the weight of your future wife." + +"No, the dark-haired one was not put to the test. Their father had now +joined us. He turned them out of the stable-yard, and charged them to +provide for our dinner. Then we soon settled the bargain, and ratified +it by a bottle of good Heidelberg wine. The doctor pleased me. He is +just the sort of man one would desire for a father-in-law. Besides he +is a good sportsman, an excellent judge of horses, and the best chess +player in the neighbourhood." + +"In that case your young wife will pass very amusing evenings." + +"If it ever comes to that. But as I said before I lost my time, and +opportunities, in a most inexcusable manner. In the afternoon we walked +through the town to see the old castle in which the former king gave +great entertainments, but under the present government it is quite +deserted. The place where the orange-trees stood is now turned into an +orchard. It was a pretty sight to see the delicious looking apples, and +pears lying carefully assorted in great heaps on the green grass; and I +never inhaled a more refreshing odour than was diffused over the spot. +So we walked along; the three sisters in front with light straw hats +and all dressed alike; then we three behind them. While I was examining +them, the thought struck me that I was now in the same position as that +prince who while keeping his father's flocks, was suddenly called on to +award the prize of beauty to one of the three goddesses." + +"So you appropriated to yourself this apple, hoping to extricate +yourself from your embarrassment by a symbolical allusion." + +"I certainly put it in my pocket with that intention; and as we rambled +through the old park, and now one of the sisters, and now another +walked beside me on the narrow path, I several times felt fully +convinced that just this girl was the right one and I secretly grasped +the apple. Then again when one of the others turned round towards me, +or some word or sound of laughter reached me I hastily replaced it. So +I did not dispose of it, and have brought it back with me. + +"Is it not provoking Eugenie, that when love was at hand courage was +wanting, and now that I have gained courage, love is not forthcoming." + +"You must not despair at the outset," she said, encouragingly. "Your +first attempt was not so very bad. Rome was not built in a day, neither +can you expect to found your domestic felicity in so short a time. Are +their names all equally pleasing to you? I lay much stress upon names, +and can easily understand the feelings of that dauphin who would not +wed a woman called Uracca." + +"That cannot decide me either," he answered, despondingly. "Anna, +Claire, and Mary, I know not which I prefer. No, my kind friend, I now +look to you for assistance." + +"To me, I cannot guess how I can be of use to you in this intricate +affair." + +"It is certainly a great favour which I require from your friendship," +he replied with some hesitation. He had now risen, and had taken the +apple in his hand. He threw it several times into the air, caught it +again, and finally replaced it on the table. "You see," he resumed, +"when after having passed a very restless night, I mounted my horse--my +cousin had driven back the same evening--and as I rode through +the fog in the frosty morning air, it occurred to me what a strange +co-incidence, it was that just before deciding on the most important +step of my life, I should meet you once more; you the only one who +really knows me, and in whom I could freely confide, were anything +wanting to your knowledge of my character. I recalled to mind all your +kindness to me, and also all the harm you have done me, and I felt +convinced that you really were my debtor, and owed me some reparation +for all my misfortunes, and privations. What I further thought, +Eugenie!----Well, that is not to the purpose now.--So I devised a plan +which I hope you will not mar." + +"What is it?" she asked absently. + +"Would you consent to get into a carriage with me, and accompany me to +L----? I would take you to the doctor's house, and then you could see +the three girls side by side. The one to whom you gave this apple would +become my wife. I solemnly promise you that I will not raise the +slightest objection to your choice." + +"You cannot give me full powers, and I could not accept them in such a +case." + +"And why so? I am quite convinced that I could be tolerably happy with +any one of them; indeed, for that matter, if I did not think it +presumptuous, I might simply write down their names, throw them into my +hat, and draw my lot with closed eyes. It could not be a great prize, +_that_ has passed for ever; at least many things would have to be +changed; but at all events I should not draw a blank. But why should it +be hazarded, why should you think the responsibility so great, if I +consult you as the friend of my youth, with the firm conviction that a +clever woman can more easily fathom the depth of a girl's character, +than a man ever can." + +"But even if I consented to your adventurous scheme, under what +pretence would you introduce me to the family?" + +"I have also considered this point," he said, striking with his whip +the many coloured pattern on the carpet. "I introduce you to the good +people as my betrothed. In this way we are sure to obtain our end, for +every girl, even the most undesigning, in the presence of a bachelor +endeavours to shew herself in the best light. They are daughters of +Eve. But if I return to them as one already disposed of we shall easily +be able to find out which of the sisters has been acting a part and, +perhaps, I may even discover that one of them has secretly monopolized +my heart. Surprise often brings to light the true character." + +He glanced at Eugenie who stood before him with an air of quiet +deliberation. She had let him come to the end of his proposal, but now +she shook her head. + +"Think of some other plan, Valentine, I cannot consent to this one." + +"There is no danger in it." + +"Possibly, but I am neither skilled enough, nor do I feel inclined to +act that part, and were I suddenly to drop the mask my embarrassment +could hardly exceed yours." + +"Consent at least to assume the character of a sister." + +She considered for a while. "If I agree to this," she said at last, "I +only do so for the sake of proving how little I can help you. The +qualities in a girl, which please or displease an old woman, are +totally different from those which seem important to a man. I confess +that curiosity has a share in my decision, and above all the fear of +your cousin, who would never forgive me if I did not further his +philanthropic plans on your behalf." + +"I thank you," he exclaimed joyously, taking her hand and kissing it. +"Now I am free from all anxiety. A true friend is certainly one of the +greatest blessings under heaven. I will go this moment to the landlord, +and order a carriage." + +"Your wooer's wings must submit however to some delay. Or do you expect +me to perform the part you have forced upon me in my morning dress and +cap?" + +"In truth," he replied, "I never noticed that. In my opinion you might +boldly drive to L---- in your present attire. The hair so pushed back +under your cap, shows your fair temples to advantage, I am enabled +again to admire those unruly meshes in your neck which in former days +ensnared my poor heart, like a fish struggling in a net." + +She held up her finger threateningly, and then said, while a sudden +blush suffused her face: "Take care, else I will betray you to your +future bride. Your triple courtship, however, excuses the disregard +with which you treat the toilette of an old friend. Here are some +books; amuse yourself in the meantime; I will be back presently." + +She disappeared into the adjoining room and closed the door behind her. + +He approached the table on which the apple lay, and after pensively +gazing at it for a while, he suddenly gave it an angry push, which sent +it flying over the edge of the table, and rolling across the carpet. He +sighed, and as if to rouse himself struck his hand with his whip till +it smarted. He then mechanically took up one of the books which lay in +the corner of the sofa. It was a volume of Moerike's poems, and they +exercised on him their powerful charm. He forgot all around him, and +drawn on from page to page was soon completely absorbed in "The moonlit +path of love once sacred." + +Suddenly the door from the passage opened and a lad of about ten years +rushed into the room. + +"Mother," he cried, "will you allow me---- Why to be sure she is not +here," he then said to himself, and turned his sharp clear eyes +inquiringly on the stranger. "Come here, my boy," said Valentine +stretching out his hand to him. "Your mother is dressing in the next +room. What is your name?" + +"Fred is my name." + +"Won't you give me your hand, Fred?" + +The lad hesitated. "Who are you?" he asked partly embarrassed, partly +defiant. + +"I am an old acquaintance of your mother's. She will not object to your +giving me your hand. So, that is right. Will you come to see me some +day? I have four handsome horses in my stables. I will give you a small +gun, and will take you out shooting with me. The first hare you shoot, +you shall bring to your mother." + +The boy's eyes sparkled, but suddenly he became thoughtful, and said, +"I should like it very much, but I must go to school. This is my last +holiday, and the two sons of the head-master have just invited me to go +into the fields with them to fly a kite." + +"Well, then you will come to see me in the vacation time. Would you +like that, Frederick?" + +"Yes, if my mother permits it." + +"Go, and ask her, my dear boy. We will become fast friends, won't we?" + +The lad nodded. Valentine took him up and kissed him. Then his mother +called him into her room; and Valentine heard him, as he eagerly +repeated what the strange gentleman had said to him. "He gave me a +kiss," continued the boy. "Why does he love from the first moment he +sees me?" + +They continued the conversation in an under tone, and then the boy left +his mother's room by another door. + +Valentine approached the window, and watched him as he left the house, +and joined his two playfellows, who had been waiting below for him. His +fair straight hair hung in masses about his shoulders; his round +childish face beamed underneath the border of his cap. Yet the man at +the window seemed to find no pleasure in the sight. + +When Eugenie, dressed for the drive, entered the room, she found him +still in the same position. She wore a dark green hat with a waving +black feather, and a short grey cloak which closely fitted her fine +figure. "I am ready, my friend," she said; "let us get into the +carriage?" + +He looked up in confusion. "The carriage?" he asked. + +"Yes, the carriage which I suppose you ordered long ago." + +"I confess," he replied, "that I have not yet done so. I did not expect +you to be dressed so soon." + +"You are certainly the first man to complain of that. Well, so it seems +that I must provide for our departure." + +She rung the bell and ordered a carriage. Whilst her orders were being +executed, Valentine remained standing near the window, and attentively +examined the arabesques on the curtain. He perceived that she stooped +to pick up the apple, but did not anticipate her. + +"Well, I think you ought to treat this fine apple with more respect," +she said jestingly. "You see it has been already injured by its heavy +fall." + +"Perhaps it were best Eugenie to leave it where it is. The reluctant +shudder of yesterday is already coming over me. Why must I try my luck +at L---- Why should it be one of the three sisters. Possibly I need not +look so far to find what I desire." + +"You ought to be ashamed of your vacillation," she answered with +comical solemnity. "Is this the courage you boasted of? Come, rouse +your spirits, and replace the stolen apple in your pocket. The sin you +have committed by this theft, can only be expiated by the more +difficult task of stealing the heart of one of the sisters. Come, I +hear the carriage driving to the door. You have excited my curiosity, +and I shall not rest till it is satisfied." + +When the carriage had left the town, and was rolling smoothly along the +even road, Valentine broke the silence. "I have become acquainted with +your son, Eugenie," he said. + +"You must praise him to me," she hastily returned; "I am a very proud +mother, he is the very image of his father." + +"I thought so," he resumed. "The face seemed strange to me. I only +recognized the mouth. This mouth is strikingly like yours, Eugenie." + +She turned away towards, the carriage window, and her eyes wandered +over the landscape, which had now contracted, so as to form a narrow +valley surrounded on both sides by steep vineyards. The mist had +entirely cleared away, and the wet tendrils and leaves of the vines +sparkled in the bright sunlight. The river bordered with willows, and +alders flowed smoothly by the road side, and small barges glided +rapidly along the current. Nothing is so refreshing and enlivening as a +drive on a fine autumn day. Valentine experienced its charm and soon +resumed the conversation. He enquired after the health of her mother, +and after a while Eugenie began to speak of her husband. "You would +have been his friend, Valentine," she gravely said. "He was an +excellent man, and a brave officer and he had a profound and unaffected +admiration for all that is good and beautiful. Those who did not know +him intimately thought him cold and indifferent, but inwardly, he was +full of generous warmth which he kept for his family, his friends and +those who were in want. My mother still grieves for him, as she grieved +for my father. I hope that Frederick will some day resemble him in +every respect." + +Valentine was silent for a long time. At last he asked, without looking +at his companion, "Have you never thought of choosing a second husband +among the many suitors who no doubt have surrounded you?" + +"No, my dear friend," she answered quietly. "Passions have never +troubled me, and a marriage founded on esteem--it always is a lucky +chance if one does not repent of it afterwards." + +They had now reached a turn in the valley, and the unexpected change of +scene interrupted the conversation. On the left hand where the vine +covered hills receded from the river, lay a small town, the industry of +whose inhabitants was testified by the smoking chimnies of many +factories, and the roaring and clashing of the water engines. + +A broad stone bridge led across the river, and high above the old gable +roofed houses, rose the graceful edifice of a gothic church, whose +perforated spire of delicate fret-work with the ornamented cross at the +top, projected boldly into the clear blue sky, and was surrounded by +swarms of pigeons. + +"This is C----" said the coachman, pulling up his horses for a moment, +and pointing towards the town with the end of his whip. + +"Drive over the bridge," cried Valentine; "we wish to visit that +beautiful cathedral before we proceed on our journey." + +Eugenie looked at him enquiringly. "Let me manage it all," continued +Valentine, turning to her. "We are sure of reaching the doctor's house +in good time, so I propose that we rest here awhile, climb up to that +steeple, and dine at the inn of the place; by this plan we shall not +arrive just as my future father-in-law is sitting down to dinner. +To-night there is full moon, so that our drive back, though somewhat +late, will not be the less pleasant." + +"Be it so," she replied, "I only stipulate that the rest of our plan +remain as we had first agreed upon, and that the valiant knight does +not seek a pretext to keep the apple again in his own pocket." + +He laughingly promised it on his honour as a knight. + +The carriage had now stopped before the cathedral. They got out +and desired the old portal to be opened for them. The grey-haired +door-keeper slowly led them through the lofty nave and aisles, coughing +and gasping at every step. + +"The dank air of the church is not good for you, old lady," remarked +Valentine. "Have you not a grandchild, who could serve in your stead, +as a guide to strangers? You ought to sit basking in the sun. Go, and +leave us to find the way by ourselves." + +"Showing the church is all well enough," replied the old woman, "but I +can no longer drag myself up the steep stairs of the steeple; so if the +lady and gentleman wish to climb up there, they will have to go by +themselves. You cannot miss the way; one flight of steps follows the +other, till you reach the upper gallery; once there, you will have had +enough of it." + +Valentine looked at Eugenie. "Shall we try?" he asked. She nodded, so +they passed through the narrow portal, guarded by two dragons hewn in +stone and they began their ascent; leaving their old conductress below. +Up there the scanty warmth, and light of the autumnal sun could not +penetrate, and the dim cool twilight which prevailed, inclined them to +silence. As they ascended the winding stairs, Valentine watched the +little feet, which so nimbly mounted the steps before him. He felt as +if he could not but follow them, even if they chose to venture out on +the steep roof, which now and then was to be seen through the +apertures. He heaved an involuntary sigh. She stopped on one of the +landing places, and turning looked smilingly at him. "You are out of +breath it seems." + +"On the contrary, I feel as if I had too much of it," he replied. + +"Do not squander it, methinks you will yet want it. See how high above +the world we are already, and still the gallery over the nave is much +higher." + +"I believe you are in fact leading me straight to heaven, Eugenie." + +"Gently, gently, you must first deserve it," she replied laughingly. + +"And if I carry it by storm?" + +"It remains to be seen whether you are as exempt from giddiness, as +such a titanic achievement would require. But I would rather you now +walked before me; for the stairs grow narrower, and narrower, and I +fear I shall lose courage if I see no one in front of me." + +He complied with her wish, and pensively ascended the steps before her. +Only the rustling of her dress against the wall told him that she was +still behind him. So they reached the first gallery which ran round the +base of the spire, and entered the interior part of it. "Don't let us +stop here," she said, "I will not look around me, till we have reached +to the very top. Meanwhile we can admire what is above us. Look how +curiously, this pointed airy tent of stone closes around us; a cool +bower. It is a pity that the wooden pillar which supports the small +upper staircase, somewhat disfigures it, and mars the effect of this +beautiful sculptured rosace. But to be sure without it, we could not +reach the very point of the spire. Come now, let us proceed in our +ascent." + +They soon stood beside each other on the aerial summit, and gazed with +exulting awe into the fathomless depth below them. The numberless +denticulations and ornamented pinnacles of the cathedral, the hundreds +of chimnies and roofs, the neat market-place with its quaint looking +old town-hall, the swarms of people in the streets, every thing +appeared small, strange, and silent as if it were a world of pigmies. +At a little distance the river basked in the sun, resembling a silver +snake, and its ripples glittered like scales in the light. Further down +the valley in the grey distance, above the vineyards rose the clear and +cloudless outlines of blue and purple hills. As they stood beside each +other, and leant over the stone parapet, he gazed intently at her +purely cut profile, which she had heedlessly exposed to the sun. Her +eyes were still fixed on the world below her; the wind had dishevelled +her long hair and the loosened tresses brushed Valentine's cheek. She +did not notice it; her parted lips eagerly inhaled the freshening +breeze, her delicate nostrils dilated, and the blood flowed more +rapidly through her blue veins. + +"Are we not amply repaid for the fatiguing ascent," she asked. "How +beautiful it is here. The further we are separated from our fellow +creatures the dearer to our hearts they become. I can easily imagine +that if a fierce misanthrope filled with animosity and hate were to +ascend to these heights, with the intention of precipitating himself +over the parapet, he would be suddenly softened and converted, after +looking on these humble roofs, underneath which thousands of people +bear the sufferings and toils of this life, and are contented if they +can only see the sun, and the sky, and the golden cross on their +steeple." + +"There certainly is a purifying virtue in the air of higher regions," +he replied in a low voice. "We are freed from the oppression of daily +petty considerations and customs, and are drawn nearer to the Creator. +We feel as if we were called to rise above the world, part of which we +survey at our feet. Even the most faint-hearted must feel the wings of +his soul expand, and that which he dared not utter or even think in the +midst of the din, and cares of every day life, here spontaneously flows +from his heart to his lips." + +Suddenly the sound of trumpets and flutes reached them from below, and +they saw a band of music followed by a crowd, slowly advancing in +solemn procession, as it issued out of one of the narrow streets, and +marched across the market-place. The brass of the instruments sparkled +in the sun and some of the people wore bouquets in their hats. +"Apparently a wedding," remarked Valentine. "But where is the bride?" +interposed Eugenie. "It rather seems to me to be one of those +expeditions which now daily proceed to the vintage accompanied by +singing and music. But you have just mentioned weddings; that reminds +me of the great aim of our excursion. Come let us descend." He appeared +not to have heard her. "Eugenie," he said, "if we had stood up here +fourteen years ago, all would have been different." + +"Who can say if it would have been better. I am inclined to think that +all that happens to us is well, and for our good." + +He had pulled out the apple, and held it before him on the stone +parapet. + +"Do you really believe that Eugenie?" + +"Yes, I do." + +"And if I had told you then, what escaped from my lips, the first +evening we again met, what would have been your answer?" + +"That question, is a matter of conscience, my dear friend," she +replied, carelessly, "which even up here a hundred feet above the every +day world you are not justified in asking. Before I could give you a +clear and concise answer, I should have to read through some chapters +in the book of my life, which I have not perused for many a year." "And +that truly is a trouble which I cannot expect you to take," he replied +in a pained, harsh tone. "Besides it would be useless labour as the +writing must have long since faded. I forgot that though the chapters +in my book, end in a blank, yours have a continuation." Saying these +words he leant over the parapet, and the apple he held in his hand +rolled as if by accident over the edge. In its fall it struck one of +the many pinnacles which surrounded the spire, and broke into several +pieces, which flew, describing wide curves, into the street. + +"What have you done Valentine?" exclaimed Eugenie; "where shall we be +able to steal another apple? Only fruits of stone can be plucked here. +But now let us hasten down." + +"You are right," he replied, indifferently, "here every thing is of +stone; I did not think of that." Then he remained silent till they +reached the streets. The gloom however, which had settled on his +countenance, could not hold out against the unconstrained gaiety of his +companion. His brow cleared before they had taken many steps on their +way to the inn. She had taken his arm through the narrow tortuous +streets, her cloak, which in the warm sunshine had become too heavy for +her, hung loosely from her shoulders. As they walked along, they joked +merrily at the smell of the new wine, which met them at the entrance of +every cellar and courtyard and even pervaded the precincts of the old +dilapidated church, and at the large vats which obstructed their way. + +When they reached the inn, the hour of the table d'hote had passed, so +they sat down alone in the large room, at a small table, where they +were amply provided with the best wine of the country; but Eugenie +wished for a bottle of that year's vintage. She said she longed to +taste that beverage the scent of which she had so abundantly enjoyed +during her walk-- + +When she had tasted it, she praised the sweet and turbid drink. + +"It resembles first love," remarked Valentine, "beware of its strength; +it will turn your head." + +"At my age there is no danger of that," she replied, smiling. "I am an +old woman already, and take my daily nap after dinner. To-day this bad +habit will be of great service to me." + +She then retired to a room prepared for her, and Valentine remained +alone in company of the wine and his thoughts. The uneasiness of the +morning had passed, and he no longer pondered on what would be the end +of all this. The voice of a good genius secretly whispered in his ear +that fate now smiled on him. He looked around, as if to ascertain that +no one was near, and then hastily took a sip from Eugenie's glass, with +the devout superstition that it would help him to divine her thoughts. +As however no enlightenment on this point was vouchsafed him, he +consoled himself with the thought that without doubt, she was asleep at +that moment, and so could think of nothing. He represented her to +himself reclining on the sofa, her small feet crossed, and her head +drooping on her shoulder. A sensation of happiness thrilled through +him; he felt as if he must hasten upstairs, kneel before the fair +sleeper, and press her hand to his lips. But he soon rejected this +thought, lighted a cigar and patiently waited for Eugenie's appearance. +It certainly seemed as if the new wine had confirmed its reputation, +for more than an hour passed before the door was opened, and his fair +companion re-appeared. + +"Good morning," she exclaimed, "how long have I slept? truly this wine +though it seems so harmless, is even in its cradle as powerful as an +offspring of the gods. It will be late before we reach the home of your +fair ones." + +"We never can reach it late enough," he replied, laughing. "Think of +what you promised me on your honour as a knight," she said, with a +menacing gesture, "and hasten our departure. What a careless mother I +am, instead of spending my poor boy's last holiday with him, I stroll +about the country making the acquaintance of new wine, and old +churches." + +In spite of Valentine's efforts to hasten their departure the day had +waned before they reached their destination. The fog had gathered +again, when the carriage slowly ascended the hill on which the town was +built, and rattled over the bad pavement. Valentine lifted Eugenie from +the carriage when it stopped at the inn, and silently walked by her +side through the streets to the doctor's house. She remarked that he +was greatly agitated, and she almost felt pity for him, but they had +already mounted the stone steps which led up to the neat little house, +the knocker had sounded, and a moment afterwards the door was opened by +a stout little man with large gold spectacles. + +"Why, what's this!" cried the merry old gentleman, pushing back his +spectacles. "What gives me the unexpected pleasure of seeing you so +soon again? I hope there is nothing wrong about the horse----but I see +you have brought company with you, and I have left you standing out +there in this rude manner. You must excuse me, fair lady; you see we +are still barbarians in this remote corner of the world. I beg you will +honour my humble roof. But now tell me seriously my dear friend _is_ +there anything the matter with Almansor? Unfortunately you will find no +one but myself at home, my dear Madam; my daughters will be +inconsolable when they hear that during their absence----but I will +send for them this very moment; but stop a bit! why confound me, I +remember now, I have already sent for them, they will be here in a few +minutes. To the left Madam if you please, will you kindly walk in here, +most honoured guests?" + +They entered the room, the door of which the lively little man had +opened for them. In the centre stood a table laid for four, on which +there were cold viands and a bottle of new wine. The whole was lighted +up by the faint twilight which stole through the window. "Now you can +judge for yourself, my most honoured friend, how we are treated by our +children," resumed the doctor. "Those naughty girls of mine run away, +and leave their papa to wait for his supper. We will play them a trick +however, nothing but the empty dishes, shall they find on their return. +But what a fool I am, inviting you to supper without considering +that this scanty meal is in no way fit for such charming visitors. +Unfortunately the cook is gone to summon them, so there is no one +to----But please to be seated at least, take off your hat and cloak, +and make yourself comfortable--Welcome to L---- most honoured lady. Now +my friend _do_ tell me has the horse?"---- + +"I can relieve your mind on that point my dear doctor," Valentine at +last interposed. "I value Almansor's excellent qualities more than +ever, since he has found favour in the eyes of my betrothed, to whom I +have the pleasure of introducing you." Eugenie bowed to their amazed +host. She checked the words which had risen to her lips, and only a +severe look reproved Valentine for this arbitrary assertion, so +contrary to their treaty. + +Had the little doctor entertained other hopes since yesterday's visit? +Had he attached greater importance to it than mere horse-dealing?--With +a low bow he stammered forth his congratulations, and thanked Valentine +for honouring him with this visit. However he soon, recovered his +jovial equanimity and laughingly said: "Well, you are the most complete +hypocrite and false hearted friend! Did you not on this very spot abuse +matrimony so vehemently, that you even alarmed, and terrified such an +old widower as I am? and then to come next day accompanied by your +betrothed----Well, she certainly is bewitching enough to convert a +heathen.--Pardon me, pardon me. Madam." + +Valentine laughed. "I can assure you, doctor; that none but you are +responsible, if after all my yesterday's heresy has been retracted." + +"I? you are joking." + +"No, I am speaking in good earnest. For you have, or rather your horse +has been of great assistance to me in winning this fair lady's hand. +This morning when mounted on Almansor, I rode up to the window behind +which stood my beloved one, the sight melted the hardness of her heart, +and she acknowledged herself conquered. Hardly had I recovered my +senses, which were somewhat confused by this unexpected victory than I +declared that you should be the first person to hear of our engagement, +so we ordered a carriage and drove to L---- and now permit your +grateful and overjoyed friend to embrace you." + +"Ah!" exclaimed the delighted doctor, "my fancy for horses has caused +me many vexations, but this master-stroke of Almansor's makes ample +amends for it all. No my dear young lady, you need not take it amiss +that your betrothed has divulged your secret. I esteem you all the more +highly since I find that you acknowledge a man to be only complete on +horseback. Now leave it all to me, my eye ranges all over the country, +and if some day I should find a lady's horse worthy of cantering by the +side of Almansor----" + +"It shall be _mine_; let us shake hands over it, doctor, and the first +time I ride with my wife, you shall accompany us." + +"Agreed," cried the little man, and energetically shook hands with his +guest. "But where are those girls, confound them; just when all is +ready to celebrate this happy event they are wanting." + +"Are your daughters on a visit in the town?" asked Eugenie. + +"Yes, my dear young lady, they have been invited to one of the autumnal +grape gatherings, by a friend of mine, who has daughters of the same +age. I have no doubt, that the affair will finish off with a dance; +however I exercised my paternal authority, and strictly enjoined them +to come home before evening. I will not again allow them to dance at +this season of the year, for every time they have done so, they have +brought home bad colds. Now they will miss you delightful visit, and it +serves the disobedient hussies quite right--but they really must come I +will have them fetched home instantly! halloo Henry!" he shouted to a +farm-servant, whom he had seen passing, from the window; "just run over +to the Kitzinger garden and tell Margaret to bring them home +immediately. Now you see," he continued, turning to his guests, who sat +side by side on the sofa without looking at each other, "how little +respect a father enjoys. You must educate your children with more +severity. Ah! if my wife still lived, it would all be different." + +Eugenie blushed and remained silent, but Valentine exclaimed; "No, no +Doctor, don't disturb your daughters in their merry making. It is true +that I have praised them so much to my dear Eugenie that she will not +leave L---- without having made their acquaintance, but there will be +time for that to-morrow, for the moon does not make its appearance, +and I hear that we shall be well provided for at the inn of the +Crown."--"Are you not of my opinion darling," he said turning to +Eugenie, and suddenly approaching his lips to hers. + +"Valentine," said the young woman, and drew back quickly, "you seem to +have forgotten what you promised me."--"Now what do you say to that +Doctor? She reminds me of my promise, and does not keep hers. Eugenie +have you not vowed to agree to all my wishes, and are you justified in +refusing a kiss to your betrothed. Come now let us seal our engagement +as students seal their fellowship. We have not yet done so." + +"That is right!" exclaimed their host. "This is only new wine, but in +the cellar...." + +"Don't trouble yourself my dear friend; is not new wine sweet, turbid, +and intoxicating like first love. And you must know, Doctor, that the +fair charmer before you has been worshipped by me from the time I +entered college and though fate parted us in later days. 'Old love +fades not,' as the people say, and you know that 'the voice of the +people, is the voice of the gods.' So We will perform the sacred act +with none other but new wine. Fill your glass. Doctor!" + +He had risen with these words and again turned towards Eugenie, with +two full glasses in his hand. She sat on the sofa suffused with +blushes, and her eyes fixed on the ground. Maidenly confusion sealed +her lips, she tried to speak, but could not utter a word, so she took +the glass mechanically. He then knelt before her, twined his arm within +hers after the fashion of the students and emptied his glass at one +draught. She took a sip from hers with half averted face. Valentine +then threw away his glass and kissed her lips.[6] + +"That's right," said the doctor. "You need not blush fair lady, if an +old man like myself is present at so solemn an act. All I ask as a +reward for my good offices, is that I should be permitted to assist at +the wedding." + +Valentine silently nodded, and remained standing for a while before +her, pensively gazing on her calm brow. + +"My dear Doctor," he then began, "you must make some allowance for two +people who are nearly out of their senses with joy. It is no trifling +matter, I assure my dear friend, when one's betrothal is only of +a few hours standing; particularly as this cruel lady love of mine +tormented me so relentlessly with her wicked tricks, and her apparent +indifference struck me dumb, and made me feel as timorous as a bashful +youth. It was so years ago, when she was still in her mother's house, +and I used often to think that I should no longer be able to stand it, +but must plunge into the water to cool my smarting wounds. Then when we +again met after many years of separation she was just the same. How +often, by some jesting word has she not checked the confession which +hovered on my lips, that my feelings for her had remained unaltered; +and who knows how all would have turned out, had it not been for you, +my dear Doctor. Now, however, you see she has quite changed, and you +would never believe how much of subtleness and womanly art lies hidden +beneath those demure eyelids." + +"Nay, you calumniate me, dear Valentine," she said, and raised her +beautiful moist eyes to his. "It is only natural that I should not show +my feelings so openly here, in a house which is yet strange to me, +though it may not appear so to you." + +"And whose is the fault, if not mine," cried the doctor, "or rather of +those disobedient damsels who leave all the duties of a host to me." +"Well, where are they? what are they about, why are they not with you +Margaret?" he angrily asked the cook who had now entered the room. + +"You see. Sir, the master and mistress of the house pressed the young +ladies to stay for the evening," replied the old woman staring at the +two visitors with wondering eyes. "They promised that the young ladies +should not dance too much, and Miss Clara thought that if I put it in +that light to you Sir!..." + +"Deuce take it," cried the doctor, in a passion, "but they _must_ come +home immediately!" + +"Nay, my dear Doctor," Eugenie said, entreatingly, "Pray do not burthen +our consciences with this cruelty." + +"Heaven forbid," Valentine hastily added. "Tomorrow there will be time +enough." + +"Well, let us go after them," proposed the doctor, "what do you say to +closing this eventful day with a dance?" + +"Are we not better here," replied Valentine, "we do not know your +friends, and would greatly prefer remaining another hour under your +hospitable roof if you will permit us to do so. Is it not so Eugenie?" + +She nodded. The old gentleman then rubbed his hands delightedly, and +declared that he had not felt so pleased for many a year. He sent the +maid into the cellar and the larder and made her bring all that +was to be found in the house, in spite of the entreaties of his +visitors not to make so much ado for them. When they were at last +sitting gaily and comfortably together, the doctor exclaimed with a +look of satisfaction: "Now if the girls but knew what they have missed +by their disobedience!" + +Valentine smilingly looked at Eugenie who had now completely recovered +her usual calm demeanour and gave with composure her opinion on the +subject of the future arrangement of their life, which Valentine had +proposed, and played her part admirably. + +When the clock struck ten, she arose. "I am afraid, we can await your +daughters no longer;" she said, "to-morrow, when they have rested after +their dancing we will return." + +"I will not detain you," replied the doctor, "for I verily believe that +they will not come home, till I go and fetch them myself. That is the +way they treat their old father. I will forgive them, however, this +time an account of the pleasure they have procured me of having your +society all to myself. But I rely on your promise to return to-morrow, +and perhaps, you will understand my paternal weakness when you see +these naughty daughters of mine." + +So they all set forth; the doctor had insisted on accompanying them to +the door of the hotel; there he left them, and they silently followed +the waiter who carried the light before them. He opened two adjoining +rooms and after wishing them good night disappeared. + +Valentine stretched out his hand to Eugenie. She pressed it, and said +calmly, looking up at him, + +"Good night to you, my dear friend, sleep well, and au revoir +to-morrow." + +Then she entered her room and closed the door behind her. + +After remaining quiet for some time he knocked gently at the door which +separated the two rooms. + +"Eugenie," he whispered. + +"What do you want?" she asked. + +"Your good night of before, was against our treaty." + +"Against what treaty?" + +"That which we solemnly ratified with the doctor's new wine." + +"I think we have had enough of this acting I only agreed to the pledge +because I thought it lay in my part." + +"Can we not continue in earnest, what we began in jest. At all events +it was a solemn vow made before witnesses." + +"Well, then I will make up for it to-morrow morning, and now once more +good night." But no movement showed that she had turned from the door. +So after a pause Valentine began again, + +"And all the rest may I not consider it as true?" + +"What do you mean?" + +"Well, all that we acted this evening." + +"That is a good deal." + +"Eugenie." + +"Well." + +"Can that be too much which alone can give me back the life and +happiness you have taken from me a thousand times?" + +"When I consider...." + +"Oh, Eugenie, say that I may throw myself at your feet, that I may +kneel before you. Do open the door--!" + +"Gently, gently, my dear friend. You certainly deserve some punishment. +What! is this all your courage? You can only speak out what weighs on +your mind behind the shelter of a closed door! I will bet anything that +you have even put out the light hoping that the darkness may give you +confidence. You dare not acknowledge your love for me in the face of +day. You are a poor hero indeed. But I will now confess to you that I +have owed you a grudge for many a year." + +"You are jesting again, Eugenie." + +"No, this time I am thoroughly in earnest. If in former years you had +as little courage as now, why at all events could you not have been as +cunning. Was there no door then behind which you could have owned to me +what now comes too late!" + +"Too late? No, Eugenie; where are the years that separate us from that +time? Is it not the same timid lad of those days who now stands here, +and implores you to lighten the darkness around him with a heavenly ray +from your eyes. Can you leave me to despair?" + +He waited some time for an answer. Suddenly the door was noiselessly +opened, and she stood before him smiling, but with tears in her eyes. + +"One kiss freely given you, as a token of forgiveness for all you have +made me suffer," she said. + +He folded her in his arms and she softly passed her hand across his +brow, saying: "Here, there are many lines, but our hearts are still +fresh and youthful, and to-morrow we will begin life anew where we left +it off fourteen years ago." + +She pressed her lips to his, and with his arm round her waist, he led +her to the window. The moon had dispersed the fog, and a gentle +autumnal breeze wafted the scent of the grapes through the open +casement. + +"Let us drive back to-night, my darling," she said. "I could not sleep +now, and the air is quite mild. Go, while you order the carriage, I +will write a few lines to the doctor, and tell him not to expect us +to-morrow: Is it true, Valentine, can it be true, that we have at last +told each other what we knew years ago?"-- + + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 1: The title given to all housekeepers in old-fashioned +houses. _Die Hausmamsell_ is so untranslatable a title in its exact +meaning, that I have left it. _Translator's_ note.] + +[Footnote 2: A part of Switzerland on the frontiers of Italy.--The +Translator.] + +[Footnote 3: Not the Lombardy poplar, but the populus Alba, or Abele +tree, which is wide spreading.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 4: Name of a promenade at Meran.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 5: Lauben. A provincial term for arcades.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 6: This is an old custom at the German universities when +a new comer enters the Fellowship--they call it "Bruederschaft +trinken."--The Translator.] + + + + THE END. + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's L'Arrabiata and Other Tales, by Paul Heyse + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK L'ARRABIATA AND OTHER TALES *** + +***** This file should be named 33583.txt or 33583.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/5/8/33583/ + +Produced by Charles Bowen, from page scans provided by the Web Archive + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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