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diff --git a/33570-8.txt b/33570-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..21cd4be --- /dev/null +++ b/33570-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5577 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Bill the Minder, by W. Heath Robinson + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Bill the Minder + +Author: W. Heath Robinson + +Illustrator: W. Heath Robinson + +Release Date: August 29, 2010 [EBook #33570] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL THE MINDER *** + + + + +Produced by Simon Gardner, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + +Transcriber's Note + +Where changes have been made to the text these are listed at the end of +the book. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: cover art] + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration: frontispiece] + + BILL THE MINDER + + _Written and + illustrated by_ + + W·HEATH + ROBINSON + + NEW YORK + HENRY HOLT & CO· + 1912 + +[Illustration] + +Edinburgh: T. and A. CONSTABLE, Printers to His Majesty + + TO + + THE GOOD CHILDREN + OF CHLOE AND CRISPIN + THE GATHERER OF + MUSHROOMS---CHAD, + HANNIBAL, QUENTIN, + RANDALL, NOAH, RATCHETT, + NERO, BIDDULPH, + KNUT, AND THE TRULY + VIRTUOUS AND BEAUTIFUL + BOADICEA, THIS + BOOK IS MOST HUMBLY + AND RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED + BY THE FAITHFUL + NARRATOR OF THEIR + EVER-WONDERFUL ADVENTURES. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CONTENTS + +[Illustration] + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + + BILL THE MINDER 1 + + THE KING OF TROY 15 + + THE ANCIENT MARINER 33 + + THE TRIPLETS 51 + + GOOD AUNT GALLADIA 65 + + THE DOCTOR 79 + + THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN 97 + + THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN 115 + + THE INTERVAL 133 + + THE REAL SOLDIER 147 + + THE WILD MAN 165 + + THE MUSICIAN 183 + + THE LOST GROCER 199 + + THE MERCHANT'S WIFE 213 + + THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS 227 + + THE SIEGE OF TROY 241 + + THE END 255 + +[Illustration] + + + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + +COLOURED PLATES + + + FRONTISPIECE + + THE KING OF TROY COMPELLED TO ASK HIS WAY _To face page_ 30 + + THE SPORT OF EVERY MER-KID " 48 + + HE WAS ALWAYS AT HAND " 58 + + I FELL FROM MY POSITION " 72 + + THE LORD MAYOR HELD A LONG COUNCIL " 88 + + THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN " 110 + + BASIL HERBERT DEVELOPS A CHILBLAIN " 122 + + AND LEFT HIM TO HAVE HIS CRY OUT " 140 + + REGINALD COMPLETELY LOST HIS TEMPER " 156 + + HARMLESS INDEED WERE OUR JOYS " 168 + + AND PLAYED IT FOR MY DELIGHT " 190 + + FOLLOWED HIM AT THE GREATEST SPEED " 208 + + BRINGING WITH THEM A LITTLE OLD MAN " 216 + + THEY CAME UPON A GREAT STONE SPHINX " 230 + + CLOSELY OBSERVED FROM THE WATCH TOWERS " 244 + + +BILL THE MINDER + + PAGE + + TITLE-PAGE 1 + + HEADPIECE 2 + + HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC 7 + + ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING 10 + + YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES 11 + + THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT 13 + + TAILPIECE 14 + + + THE KING OF TROY + + TITLE-PAGE 15 + + HEADPIECE 16 + + HE CLIMBED THE RICK 18 + + HE COMMENCED HIS TALE 21 + + WHAT A TIME WE HAD 26 + + TAILPIECE 31 + + VIGNETTE 32 + + + THE ANCIENT MARINER + + TITLE-PAGE 33 + + HEADPIECE 34 + + I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY 39 + + I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES 42 + + FOR YEARS WE SAILED 47 + + TAILPIECE 49 + + VIGNETTE 50 + + + THE TRIPLETS + + TITLE-PAGE 51 + + HEADPIECE 52 + + ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN 55 + + WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS 58 + + THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY 63 + + TAILPIECE 64 + + + GOOD AUNT GALLADIA + + TITLE-PAGE 65 + + HEADPIECE 66 + + I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS 71 + + I ANGLE THE AIR 72 + + I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SAND 73 + + ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN 75 + + + THE DOCTOR + + TITLE-PAGE 79 + + HEADPIECE 80 + + FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS 83 + + THE PUFF BAKER 87 + + TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS 88 + + AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE 89 + + THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN 91 + + POSTCARD 94 + + POSTCARD 95 + + TAILPIECE 96 + + + THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN + + TITLE-PAGE 97 + + HEADPIECE 98 + + BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR-BOXES 103 + + THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED 104 + + STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALL 106 + + DANGLING BY HIS LEGS 109 + + TAILPIECE 113 + + VIGNETTE 114 + + + THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN + + TITLE-PAGE 115 + + HEADPIECE 116 + + I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER 120 + + HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME 121 + + THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN 125 + + THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED 129 + + DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL 130 + + VIGNETTE 132 + + + THE INTERVAL + + TITLE-PAGE 133 + + HEADPIECE 134 + + I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP 137 + + THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED 138 + + ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY 139 + + THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP 142 + + TAILPIECE 145 + + VIGNETTE 146 + + + THE REAL SOLDIER + + TITLE-PAGE 147 + + HEADPIECE 148 + + THE REAL SOLDIER 153 + + 'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT 156 + + 'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD' 157 + + FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA 159 + + IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER 161 + + TAILPIECE 163 + + VIGNETTE 164 + + + THE WILD MAN + + TITLE-PAGE 165 + + HEADPIECE 166 + + I PLEADED MY CASE 169 + + AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT 173 + + WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK 177 + + TAILPIECE 181 + + VIGNETTE 182 + + + THE MUSICIAN + + TITLE-PAGE 183 + + HEADPIECE 184 + + SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS 189 + + HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES 190 + + SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES 195 + + WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA 197 + + TAILPIECE 198 + + + THE LOST GROCER + + TITLE-PAGE 199 + + HEADPIECE 200 + + AFFECTED BY HIS STORY 205 + + PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT 206 + + THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND 209 + + SNEEZING AND SNEEZING 211 + + + THE MERCHANT'S WIFE + + TITLE-PAGE 213 + + HEADPIECE 214 + + MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON 219 + + KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF 223 + + GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS 224 + + IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE 225 + + TAILPIECE 226 + + + THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS + + TITLE-PAGE 227 + + HEADPIECE 228 + + THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS 233 + + YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE 234 + + I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED 237 + + TAILPIECE 239 + + VIGNETTE 240 + + + THE SIEGE OF TROY + + TITLE-PAGE 241 + + HEADPIECE 242 + + PLAN OF SIEGE 245 + + THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED 248 + + AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA 251 + + TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN 253 + + THE END + + VIGNETTE 256 + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BILL THE MINDER] + +[Illustration: Headpiece] + + + + +BILL THE MINDER + + +Old Crispin, the mushroom gatherer, and his good wife Chloe had ten +children, and nine of them were bad-tempered. There was Chad, the +youngest and most bad-tempered of the lot, Hannibal and Quentin the +twins, Randall with the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nero +the worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only good-tempered child was +a little girl named Boadicea. + +It is well known that a boy usually takes after his father, and a girl +after her mother, and these children were no exception to the rule, for +the boys all resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been rather tried, +poor man, by the early hours at which he had to rise, in order to gather +the mushrooms when they were quite new and young. On the other hand, +Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper from Chloe, who +without doubt was the most good-tempered dame alive. + +Now it is quite true that any one who cares to rise early enough in the +morning may gather mushrooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who do +so only now and again, and merely for amusement, little know the hard +life of the professional gatherer, or the skill and judgment he has to +cultivate in order to carry on his work with any success. + +In the course of time Crispin became so well skilled that he could not +only tell a mushroom from a toadstool at the distance of two hundred +yards, but his hearing became so acute that he could even hear them +growing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of each as it broke through +the earth. Indeed, he had no need for any alarm to wake him from his +heavy slumbers and call him to his work in the fields. However +cautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, old +Crispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often +without tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to the +field in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. This +he would pick, and then he would hop about with his head on one side +listening for others like some old starling listening for worms, at the +same time mewing like a cat to frighten away the birds that prey on the +mushrooms. He was then able to fill his basket with the very freshest +crop and take them round to people's houses in time for breakfast. + +With such anxious work it will be readily understood that few mushroom +gatherers can remain in the best of health for many years, and it so +happened that in time the anxieties connected with the gathering of +mushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell ill and +completely lost his appetite. Chloe called in the doctor, but the latter +at first could do nothing for him. He painted Crispin's chest and then +his back with iodine; he rubbed him well with the roots of sarsaparilla; +he made him sleep first on his right side, then on his left, and finally +covered him in brown paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent him +to the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-bathing, running, +and aeroplaning, but it was all of no avail. + +With the assistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried to tempt her husband +with every known and unknown dish, and when these failed, like a good +wife, she invented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow, +tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of spinach and +carraway comfits, delicacies composed of porridge and mint, and the most +luscious stews of pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with even +lighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner and thinner every +day, and his temper was growing shorter and shorter, when at last, to +her great joy, she succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed to +take his fancy. + +At first there was little or no sign of improvement, yet he ate a very +small portion of the jelly every day, and with this the anxious wife and +daughter had to be contented for some time. He had remained in this +state for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to increase his portion. +Finding that this did not disagree with him, but that, instead, he +became a little stouter and a little better every day, she continued +gradually giving him more and more. + +At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of this jelly, the +greater his appetite became. In fact, if the truth be told, the old +gentleman became in time not only quite well and very stout but also +somewhat greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of being able +to devote more time to her children, after restoring her husband's +appetite, she had to give up more and more time to cooking. Crispin now +spent the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to very bad, and +from very bad to worse. Boadicea assisted her mother to the utmost, yet +Chloe, worked almost to death, was at length compelled to look out for a +minder, in order that her children might not be entirely neglected. + +Many minders from all parts applied for employment, and, as a test of +their skill, she set them the task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, who +was cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some tried to cheer +him by singing to him, some by dancing to him; one even hoped to gladden +the boy by jumping over him backwards and with a pleasant smile dropping +on the grass in front of him. Again, some thought to distract him by +running swiftly with him several times round the well, which only made +him very ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head in front +of the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering the +lad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced than +the rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches to +think of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeeded +in doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one +could discover for which ache the child was crying. + +Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; in +fact, the competition greatly increased the child's discomfort. His +howls became terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource, +Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots. Now no one had +suspected Bill of having the makings of a good minder in him, but it +happened that he knew Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody's +surprise and relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until all +the double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was at once elected Minder +to the family. + +[Illustration: HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC] + +Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder. Having once started on +his new work, he took his profession very seriously. He read all the +books that had ever been written upon the subject, which were to be +found in the library of the British Museum. He talked about it with the +most knowing professors of the subject, and he was as well known in the +Minding Room of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as in his father's +house. And it is even said that he once contrived to be shut in all +night by hiding behind a case of red coral rattles when the policeman +came round at dusk to shut and lock the doors. + +Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in the pictures, he was always +inventing new ways of minding his charges. So expert did he become in +time that he was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easily +surpassing all rivals, he became the most perfect minder of the +district. + +Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and worrited mothers for +miles around flocked to him with their children. He was most successful +in distracting the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutters +soon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of indigestion were allayed +and the fretfulness of the sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of his +ways. Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight wakers were +taught to realise how ridiculous were their fears. Screechers ceased to +screech, and grizzlers to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformed +their habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day. + +If any one could mind, Bill could! + +But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all good +minders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy of +rivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the most +difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brother +minders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitate +him, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. Some, +indeed, became so wild that they had to be minded themselves, while +others neglected their charges and wandered about the country in a +dreadful state of grumpiness, biting their nails to the quick, and +tearing their hair or anything else they could get hold of. + +The time now arrived for the great annual Minding Tournament, held by +the Duke to celebrate his birthday, to which every one had been looking +forward all through the year. Few people have ever been so delighted +over being born as was the Duke, and this was how he most liked to show +his joy and thankfulness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribed +for by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a very special +occasion, for the Duke, having arrived at the age of sixty, had decided +to present a gold-mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during the +tournament. + +Everybody was there; the Duke and his Duchess with a handsome bouquet of +marigolds and groundsel, presented by the wives of the policemen; the +Duchess's cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young wife; the +stout old Marquis who (as every lady knows) is also admiral of the +Regent's Canal, and his six old-maid daughters, who all arrived in bath +chairs. The general was there, as a matter of course, with all his +medals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of Pontefract cakes +and peardrops to throw to the children. At least twelve bishops were +present, besides the vicar and his eight kind curates, who made +themselves extremely pleasant to every one. + +All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood were present, and +minders were continually arriving to compete for the prizes. There were +at least one hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was provided +by the band of the militia, lent for this occasion by the kind-hearted +general. Each member of the band performed on a separate harmonium +borrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could be had by every one who +could prove that he or she was hungry. + +[Illustration: ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING] + +The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which was decided in the +following way. A well-pinched baby and a glass of milk were placed at +the end of the course, and each competitor had to run to them balancing +a new-laid egg on a spoon; when he had reached them, he had to beat up +the egg in the glass of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. The +competitor who did it in the shortest time won the prize. + +Some murmurings were heard when it was announced that Bill had won by +two-and-a-half minutes, but these were soon drowned by the cheers of +the crowd and the music of the harmoniums. + +[Illustration: YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES] + +The second event was the obstacle race, in which each competitor had to +run with three babies in his arms along a course strewn with +perambulators full of children. Over the latter he had to climb, and +having placed his three babies in an empty perambulator stationed at the +end of the course, wheel them back the same way and empty them into the +arms of the Duke without a cry from the children. + +The loud cheers of the crowd and the roar of the harmoniums this time +hardly drowned the jeering of his rivals when it was proclaimed that +Bill had also won this race; and when he secured the gold-mounted +feeding-bottle, presented by the Duke, for minding seventeen +tooth-cutters and three indigesters, and sending them all to sleep in +three hours and forty-five minutes, their rage was almost beyond their +control. The cheers, the hurrahs, and the clapping of hands, as well as +the soothing music of the harmoniums, only made them more disagreeable +and spiteful. + +But far worse was to happen when Bill presently carried off the great +cup for remaining shut up in a bathing-machine with twelve vaccinated +children for twelve hours. Then they quite lost their tempers, and Bill +very nearly lost his life. At least seven babies were hurled at him, as +well as the cup and the bathing-machine, and Bill was only saved by the +seven mothers of the seven hurled babies, who rushed forward to grapple +with the hurlers, and carried Bill and the babies out of their reach. + +This shocking disturbance caused the vicar and his eight kind curates to +faint, while the Duke, who, now having lost all interest in the +proceedings, was only waiting to give away the prizes, turned quite +white, and at once drove off with the Duchess in his motor, and never +again referred to the subject. The general stripped off his medals in +despair, and gave them away to the children to cut their teeth with. The +chatty old Viscount became dumb with astonishment, and the twelve +bishops, with heads erect and half-closed eyes, walked off to their +cathedrals. The harmoniums were all put out of tune and quite spoilt by +the efforts of the bandsmen to drown the noise, and the tournament was +completely broken up. + +After this, as might have been foreseen, no mother would entrust the +care of her children to any one but Bill, who became the only minder of +the district. What became of the rivals no one ever knew for certain, +though it has been said that they all emigrated to a desolate island in +the Dead Sea, and clothed themselves in crocodile's hide with the rough +and knobby side worn against the skin, sleeping at night on beds of +flints with coverlets made of stinging nettles. It is also said that +they nagged and threw stones at each other all through the day, and for +very rage would eat nothing but thistles, uncooked and with the prickles +left on, and drink nothing but cold vinegar for the rest of their +wretched lives. + +[Illustration: THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT] + +Another story has it that Bill's jealous rivals all embarked for Mount +Vesuvius, with the intention of committing suicide by plunging into the +burning crater. But standing on its edge and gazing therein, they all +suddenly altered their minds and walked back down the mountain side to +Pompeii or Herculaneum, where they were supposed to have settled and +married, and repented, let us hope, of their unkind and unreasonable +behaviour. + +Whether either of these stories is true or not, it is certain that the +rivals disappeared altogether from the country. Unmolested, Bill now +devoted all his days to minding, and Randall, Noah, Knut, Biddulph, +Nero, Ratchett, Hannibal, Quentin, Chad, and his innumerable other +charges never left him, but wandered with him everywhere, even in his +dreams. + +Such a minder was Bill! + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE KING OF TROY] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE KING OF TROY + + +Now it happened one morning as Bill was shepherding his little flock +across the downs, whither they loved to ramble on a fine summer's day, +that Hannibal, Quentin, and Boadicea came running up to him with the +wonderful tidings that they had discovered a real golden crown lying on +the top of a hayrick. Bill hastened to the spot, and there, sure enough, +was a most beautiful crown, ornamented with what he took to be +priceless gems. Looking all round and seeing no one to whom it might +belong, he climbed the rick and attempted to remove the treasure. But, +try as he would, it still resisted his efforts, until at last, with one +mighty wrench, he seemed to elicit a groan from the depths of the rick, +and presently the crown arose apparently of its own accord and disclosed +the head of an aged man firmly fixed therein. Soon his neck, then his +shoulders appeared, as gradually the old fellow lifted himself from his +place of hiding and climbed down the sides of the rick and stood +trembling in the midst of the children, who now wonderingly gathered +round him. + +Having recovered from his agitation, and being greatly encouraged by +Bill's kindly inquiries and genial manners, the royal old boy proceeded +to account for his strange appearance on the downs. + +'Prepare yourselves, you bantlings, and you, their noble curator, for +the most astounding revelations; and those of you who are nerveful or +softish in any way, hide your chubby heads in this old rick, that no +word of my story of woes may enter your ears and so curdle your simple +minds.' + +At this young Chad and some of the others set up a terrible hullabaloo, +but Bill soon comforted them, and then, seated in a circle on the grass +around the old fellow, they made themselves comfortable and prepared to +listen to his story. + +'Are you all fit?' demanded the old gent. 'Yes,' shouted Bill and his +charges in reply. 'Well, here goes then.' And he commenced his tale in +the following way:-- + +'I am that King of Troy who ruled over his subjects with such wisdom and +justice that the greatest happiness prevailed amongst them!' + +[Illustration: HE CLIMBED THE RICK] + +'We've heard that before,' murmured Chad, but ignoring the interruption, +the King of Troy continued his story:-- + +'Safely protected from baseness of every description, from robbery, from +the ill effects of envy, and from unworthy tricksters of every colour, +by the stern, yet just rule under which they happily lived, the Trojans +throve and pursued their various trades with unvarying success. All +amassed a considerable fortune, and as their wealth increased, so did +their pride in the beloved city of their birth. All contributed most +willingly to the upkeep of their sovereign, and the ever-increasing +state which I was expected to hold was paid for down to the last +farthing by the noble fellows. + +'The well-meaning creatures at length gave no rest to their poor old +king, and as their prosperity grew, they raised him to a more and more +exalted, and at the same time increasingly uncomfortable, position above +them. Heavier and heavier grew the robes of state to suit the swelling +dignity of the city: more and more overloaded with gold, with jewels, +with filigree silver and enamelled bronze became the crown, until so +ponderous had grown the regalia that I could hardly support it. But no +pity had the gallant lads. Mistaking the signs of my gradually drooping +spirits for the signs of undue modesty, they slapped me on the back +again and again, and with joyful shouts endeavoured to instil into my +dejected soul some of their own abundant ardour. + +'With my own personal dignity, the number of ceremonials and functions I +was expected to endure also increased. Town hall after town hall was +built, and bazaars without end were held especially to be opened by +myself. But in time even this doubtful relaxation ceased, and so high +did my subjects raise me that few of them dared to approach me, and then +only on bended knees. As for speaking familiarly with me, none had the +temerity to attempt it. Perpetual state I was now compelled to keep, and +never for an instant permitted to leave my throne or doff my royal +robes, except for one short hour in the morning to perform ablutions in +the regal tub, and even then I was not allowed to remove my crown. +Seated on my throne from morning until night, overburdened by the weight +of my crown and the heavily brocaded and bejewelled robes, I felt as +lonely as a stranded limpet in the middle of the Sahara desert. + +'At last things came to such a pass, that, except perhaps to bring me +food or drink, not one of my subjects would dare to draw nearer than to +the outer door of my ante-room, and even there they would fall upon +their faces and grovel in the dust and quake, so that the very clicking +of their bones could be distinctly heard from my place upon the throne, +as they trembled in every joint. + +'Ah, how I missed the old days,--the cheerful cup of tea, the pipe of +baccy and the homely game of dominoes with that primest of all Prime +Ministers. How gladly would I have snatched from the royal board the +dainties now prepared for me,--the asparagus truffles, the prawn +cutlets, the anchovy jelly, and suchlike, and hurled from me the trivial +and shimmering mass, tweaking my old rascal of a waiter by the nose, and +calling for a hunk of bread and some cheese. Even my sparkling and +frolicsome old chum, the Prime Minister, had seemingly quite forgotten +our loyal chumship and never appeared before me now except upon his +hands and knees and with his head bent low to the ground. And what of my +old friend the Secretary of State? Where were his gibes, his playful +fancies, his quirks and rare conceits, the droll! Alas, only rarely now +could I glimpse the rogue, and with real sorrow did I see his erstwhile +bonny and jovial old face distorted by expressions of the most abject +servility. And that respectful mute, the Minister of Education, does he +dream that I forget his winsome pranks and jokes? Does he imagine for a +moment that those glorious evenings, when the four of us used to meet +and gladden the very stars by the sounds of our joviality, were nothing +to me? Alas, in my solitude what would have befallen me but for those +sweet memories! + +[Illustration: HE COMMENCED HIS TALE] + +'One evening the Prime Minister appeared on his hands and knees at the +door of the throne-room, bearing on a little plate upon his back the +slight supper that was served to me in this strange manner every +evening. With drooping head, and visibly quaking with awe, he gradually +crawled near, and when at the foot of the throne placed the supper (a +mere anchovy truffle on toast) before me and fell flat on his face, +writhing at my feet. + +'Who can describe my feelings as I bent over him and witnessed this +degradation, this prostration before me, of one who had revelled with +me, who had slapped me on the back in pure amity, and who, in days of +yore, had gambolled, frisked, and carolled the most enchanting glees +with me. A great hot tear fell from my left eye as I gazed, and the +startled wretch leapt to his feet as it splashed upon his bald crown and +trickled down its glossy sides, leaving a red and glowing spot where it +had fallen. No words of mine could describe the misery expressed on the +face of the unhappy man as he took one hasty glance at me, full of the +deepest meaning, and rushed from the room weeping bitterly. Alas! he, +too, remembered. + +'No heart had I now for the anchovy truffle, nor indeed for the toast, +both of which I tossed lightly from me. I gave up my mind to most +melancholy reflections. Night drew on, and one by one I could hear the +ministers and domestics creeping up stealthily to bed, and at nine +o'clock all the electric lights in the palace were switched off, and I +was left in total darkness and in solitude. Still I brooded on my +throne, unable to sleep for the weight of my robes and for the sad +thoughts that passed through my mind, and mechanically counted the hours +as they stole slowly by. + +'At length the clock in the hall downstairs struck eleven, and as the +last beat echoed through the empty rooms, a light appeared underneath +the door opposite the throne. Little heed did I give to this at first, +imagining that one of the ministers, on retiring, had omitted to remove +his boots and leave them in the hall, and was now returning to place +them there. The light, however, remained, and to my increasing +wonderment some one tried the handle of the door, which was then opened +very cautiously and in there crept, on hands and knees, my old friend +the Prime Minister. As soon as he was well within the room and had +quietly closed the door, he leapt to his feet and executed the most +astonishing capers that were ever danced. With the liveliest +satisfaction expressed all over his mobile features, he pirouetted round +the room with the greatest animation, and daringly accomplished the +giddiest somersaults that were ever turned. At last, nearly exhausted +with this vigorous performance, he ran up to the throne, grasped me by +the hand, which he wrung most heartily, and for all the world was his +good old self again. + +'He now bade me follow him, and in utter silence we both crept out of +the throne-room, through the ante-room, down the stairs, across the +hall, and out by the front door into the garden. + +'We now traversed the terrace and crossed the tennis lawn, and stepping +gently across the Rhododendron beds, scrambled as carefully as possible +over the barbed-wire fence and found ourselves in the kitchen garden. +Passing through innumerable beds of cabbages, beetroots, turnips, +brussels sprouts, and broccoli, we at last stood in front of an old +broken-down hen-house. The Minister knocked very gently three distinct +times and gave a low musical call, which was immediately answered from +within. The door now opened just sufficiently to admit one person at a +time, and the Prime Minister crept in, dragging me after him, and then +closing the door as quickly and as quietly as possible. + +'You may imagine my surprise when I discovered my two other old cronies +seated amongst the hay newly strewn on the floor, the fat old roosters +chortling wisely the while on their perches in the roof of the shed. Two +or three candles, that were glued with their own fat on the stakes that +were driven securely into the ground, together with an old stable +lantern suspended from the roof, served to light up the interior. A +squat and homely kettle was simmering cheerily in front of some glowing +embers in the centre of the floor awaiting the brewing of a stout cup of +tea, and the dominoes were all ready for a rattling game as of old. + +'Nothing could exceed the joy of the dear old boys, as they gripped me +by the hand and punched me first on the chest and again on the back from +pure joy, forgetting all the awe with which they had regarded me for so +long since, and only remembering the many happy times we had spent +together in days of yore,--those far-off happy days, before I had been +so terribly, so uncomfortably exalted by my subjects. + +'As soon as I had made myself pretty comfortable, the Minister of +Education reached up, and taking one of the old chickens from its perch, +quickly killed it, plucked it and trussed it, and then, suspending it +over the embers by a piece of string from the roof, turned it round and +round gently until it was done to a T. + +'What a time we had in that old shed to be sure. After demolishing the +chicken we played the most exciting games of dominoes until we were +tired of them, then cats' cradles, then honey-pots, and then touch wood. +And what could have been more refreshing than those cups of tea! And +what more invigorating than the Pontefract cakes, the slabs of cocoanut +ice, and sheets of almond hard-bake that we crunched between the games! +And the songs and choruses with which we shook the crazy old hen-house +to its rotting foundations! My word! How we trolled them out! + +'When our joy was at its height, and we were carolling the inimitable +chorus of that more than glorious old song of the country-side, "Waiting +for the Guinea Fowl," we were suddenly reminded of the approach of day +by the loud crowing of the old cock over our heads, and peeping at once +out of the door we perceived that already the dawn had advanced and +lightened the eastern sky. + +[Illustration: WHAT A TIME WE HAD] + +'Without a moment's hesitation, the guttering candles were +extinguished, and I was hurried back to the palace. But only just in +time, for as I mounted the steps of my throne I could hear the lazy +steps of the boot-boy as he unwillingly crawled downstairs to his work. + +'In the course of the day the Egg Counter to the Royal Household was +dragged grovelling before me, complaining that the foxes had stolen one +of the chickens under his care. I ordered the treasurer to disburse 9d. +for a trap and dismissed the grinning churl, who little guessed the +breed of foxes which had made away with his bird. + +'Night after night the four of us, unsuspected of any, now sought the +hen-house, and forgot the harassing troubles of state in the pure joys +of friendship. After killing, roasting, and supping off one of the birds +as on our first meeting, we abandoned ourselves to the heartiest +revelry, only to be awakened to the cold everyday world by the crowing +of the old bantam. + +'During the daytime my friends resumed their deferential and almost +servile demeanour, and nothing remained to remind me of the revels of +the night before but the troubles of the Egg Counter, who now came to me +every day with a fresh complaint that yet another of his birds had +disappeared. + +'And now begins the narration of the most terrible of all my trials. One +night--how well can I remember it, it was on the eve of that very day +when the mighty King of the Persians and all his court were coming to +spend the week-end with us, in order to celebrate my sixty-fifth +birthday--we met as usual in the hen-house, and discovered to our dismay +that we had demolished all the fowls with the exception of the old cock. +After some discussion, and regardless of consequences, we decided to +treat him as we had already treated his brothers and sisters, and in a +very little time nothing was left of the tough old biped but bones, beak +and feathers. Heedless of the morrow, we now gave ourselves up to the +wildest enjoyment. Discarding such simple games as dominoes and +honey-pots, we now indulged in the more thrilling joys of leap-frog, +Hunt the Stag, Red Rover, Robbers and Thieves, and you would not believe +me were I to tell you the amount of toffee, brandy-snaps, bull's eyes, +and Edinburgh rock that we absorbed in the course of this agreeable +evening. + +'Enlivened, no doubt, by the thought that to-morrow was my birthday, my +excitement was intense, and communicating itself to my prankful cronies, +it electrified their old bones in the most amazing manner. + +'How long we should have kept it up, it is, of course, impossible for me +to say, but we were suddenly brought to a standstill by a loud knocking +on the door of the shed and the sound of a great concourse of people on +the other side. On opening the door I nearly fainted in my horror, for +whom should I behold but the King of Persia and all his court, and as +far as the eye could reach the faces of the Trojans all lit up by the +morning sun, staring intently at the shed. Alas, we had eaten the old +cock, our only timepiece, many hours ago, and without our knowledge the +day had dawned and grown to midday. + +'Who shall describe my profound mortification, as I observed the look of +sorrow on the King of Persia's noble countenance, or the distress with +which I viewed the agonised disappointment of my subjects as they beheld +their king, whom they one and all delighted to honour, playing leap-frog +in a hen-house. + +'It appeared that on the arrival of the King of Persia, they had all +proceeded in lordly procession with bands playing and flags flying to +the throne-room, and not finding me there they had hunted everywhere for +me, high and low, until at last, guided by the sounds of revelry in the +hen-house, they discovered my wretched self in the ignominious position +I have already described. + +'I was now seized by two of the Persian guards at the command of their +monarch and marched off to the Palace, a lane being opened for me +through the crowds of my silent and sorrowing subjects. + +'A council was very hurriedly called together, at which it was decided +that I should be banished for ever from the city of Troy for so +demeaning the exalted position to which I had been elevated, by my +frolics in the hen-house, and that henceforth the King of Persia should +reign in my stead. + +'Stripping my royal robes from me (they were compelled to leave my crown +on, for it was so firmly fixed that it would not come off, try as they +would), they now bandaged my eyes, and, with the only baggage I was +allowed to take, tied up in an old patch-work quilt, they led me forth. +Past crowds of my subjects, who now gave way to the most heartfelt +sorrow, I was led, through the old gates of my beloved city and far out +into the country. After we had travelled for about thirty miles my +conductors at last removed the bandage from my eyes and left me to my +despair, alone in the wilderness. + +'Sinking to the ground, I wept bitterly for three-quarters of an hour, +when hunger beginning to assert itself, I started upon this long +journey, which has at length brought me to you. + +'For many months have I travelled, often compelled to ask the way or beg +assistance of the merest strangers, until at last,' concluded the old +gentleman, 'as I was resting to-day in the shadow of this rick, I saw +you all coming over the hill, and mistaking you for the legions of the +King of Persia sent to hunt me down, I hid myself in the top of the +rick.' + +Bill and all his charges were deeply moved at so harrowing a tale, and +willingly proffered any assistance they were capable of rendering to the +unhappy old boy. + +[Illustration: The King of Troy compelled to ask his way] + +The King of Troy, now assured of the good faith of his new friends, +unfolded to them a scheme he had formed to raise an army and to march on +Troy, and so recover, if possible, his lost power. Bill at once offered +his services and was created commander-in-chief on the spot, and calling +for volunteers, was answered by one great shout of joy from all his +charges, every one of whom enlisted there and then in the new army of +the King of Troy. + +Chad, Hannibal, Randall, Noah, Ratchett, Nero, Biddulph, and Knut were +each promoted to the rank of officers as a matter of course, while the +gentle Boadicea was deputed to look after the old King, whose comfort +was now her greatest aim in life. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ANCIENT MARINER] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE ANCIENT MARINER + + +The next thing to be done was certainly to make the old King +comfortable, so Bill took him home, and the good Chloe dosed him well +with hot gruel, and made him put his feet in hot water, and sent him to +bed. After remaining snugly tucked up for a few days, the cheerful old +soul was ready and eager to start with his new army for Troy. + +In the meantime Bill, with the assistance of Crispin, had constructed a +wonderful perambulator, in which the King could be conveyed with his +luggage and such comforts as would be necessary for the old man during +his progress. + +Having secured the permission of Crispin and Chloe, and of the other +parents concerned (most of whom seemed only too glad to get rid of the +lot), Bill, the King, and all the gallant young soldiers started on +their adventurous journey. Loud were the shouts of admiration as the +brave creatures marched down the village street; and at last, when they +had entirely disappeared, the place seemed suddenly so quiet and dull +that all retired to their bedrooms and gave way to tears. + +However, our duty is to follow the young braves. Having marched along +the road across the Downs for some distance, they met the strangest +couple,--a kind-looking old gentleman who, to judge from his appearance, +had spent the greater part of his life upon the ocean, carrying in his +arms, carefully and tenderly as though he were a frail young baby, +another man, with the saddest and most thoughtful face that you ever +beheld. Such touching kindness deeply affected all who witnessed it, and +Bill at once greeted the good gentleman, and begged of him to account to +them for his very strange appearance on the country road. + +'Sirs,' said the Ancient Mariner, as he placed his burden lovingly on +the ground, 'my name is Jack, Plain Jack, and I am the ninth mate of the +Swedish ship _Turnip_, a brig-rigged barquentine, that sailed from +Cherry Garden Pier for Margate with a cargo of camels, in the year 1840, +and has never since been heard of. + +'Though a born sailor, I succeeded my father in what was one of the best +corn-chandler's businesses in that part of Barking. By my industry and +thrift I, in time, so bettered my position and improved my business that +I felt fully entitled to settle down and enter into the state of +matrimony. For some years I had had my eye on the enchanting Jane +Osbaldistone de Trevor, whose father kept a large brill farm by Barking +Creek,--in fact, the largest of the many brill farms that used, in those +days, to line the river from Limehouse Reach to Cherry Garden Pier. + +'His wealth and importance did not deter me from aspiring to the hand of +his fascinating daughter; and why should they have done so? Was not I in +the very promising position of owning the largest corn-chandler's store, +from Wapping Old Stairs even as far down as Barking Creek? And then, +again, was not I as well born as he, for did not my ancestors chandle +corn in Barking long before the De Trevors had crossed the Channel, when +they may, indeed, have earned a precarious livelihood by letting +bathing-machines on the beach at Boulogne? + +'Nevertheless, on my broaching the subject to the old gentleman, he +threw every conceivable obstacle in my way, and made conditions that +were wellnigh impossible of being carried out. "If," said he, "you can +bring to me, within the next few years, some object more wonderful than +anything in the Bethnal Green Museum,--some object beside which St. +Paul's Cathedral, the Monument, the Tower of London, or the Tower Bridge +will be as uninteresting as an old one-bladed pocket-knife,--then you +shall marry my daughter, but not otherwise"; and he chuckled to himself, +knowing only too well that he had wellnigh dashed my hopes for ever. + +'But, after all, little did he know Plain Jack. Disappointed, but with +some hope yet of claiming the lovely Jane, I sold my business for a +considerable sum of money, which I took with me in my sea-chest, and +signed on as Cabin Boy aboard the Swedish ship, _Turnip_, fully +determined to travel all over the world, if necessary, in order to +fulfil the conditions imposed upon me by the irritating old gentleman. + +'Foreseeing well how useful my superior officers might be to me in my +quest, I resolved, as far as possible to deserve their good-will, and I +behaved with such exemplary conduct that before we had passed Greenwich +Hospital I was promoted to the rank of twelfth mate. + +'Still persevering in my good intentions, I performed many little acts +of kindness, such as brewing the captain a cup of tea when he least +expected it, and handing round to the officers and crew bars of colt's +foot rock, a supply of which I took good care to bring with me. I +repeat, so continually attentive was I, that, before we had passed the +Nore, I was promoted to the rank of eleventh mate. + +'Off Herne Bay, I was still further able to gratify the captain and +officers by pointing out to them the various public buildings and places +of interest, which I had visited only last year during a delightful +week-end trip. So delighted were they all that, before sighting Margate, +I was promoted to the rank of tenth mate. + +'On arriving at Margate, numerous merchants came along the jetty in +bath-chairs to examine our cargo. None, however, wanted to buy camels; +all wanted donkeys for the sands. In spite of the captain's argument, +that camels were much more used to sand than donkeys, having spent the +best part of their lives on the sands of the desert, the merchants were +obdurate, and we had to sail away again with our camels. We also now +carried with us a shipload of Carraway Comfits, which we had purchased +at Margate, hoping to be able to dispose of them at some port, and so +compensate ourselves for the loss of business at Margate. + +[Illustration: I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY] + +'For many days we sailed on and on, out through the Yarmouth Roads into +the Persian Gulf, one incident alone standing out vividly in my memory +during this part of the voyage. It was the dog watch, on a lovely summer +evening; we were making little way, just sufficient to enliven the +whitebait that leapt and prattled round our prow, or disturb a lazy +brill that dozed upon our course. Here and there the spotted tunny +would leap several yards from the sea, to descend again with a mighty +smack upon the waters. From afar, borne upon the gentle breeze, came the +low grizzle of the sperm-whale as it herded its young, or the thud of +the mighty sword-fish, as it drove home the deadly weapon with which +Nature, knowing its own ends, has provided him; while, mellowed by even +greater distance, the high-pitched yell of the land-cod and the shriek +of its maddened prey, could now and again be heard. I was lazily +reclining among the peak halyards, whittling out a mermaid's head from +a piece of hard-boiled gannet's egg, which I intended to send to Jane, +should a passing vessel give me such an opportunity. Full of peace, and +imbued with the calm that pervaded the sea and the sky, I was hardly +prepared for the shock in store for me. Suddenly, without any warning, I +was jerked from my position among the halyards, and flung head-first +into the sea. Down, and down I went, until, nearly exhausted, I made one +great effort to come to the surface. When at last I reached it, I found +that from some unknown cause the ship had been tilted nearly on to its +side, and thus had sent me almost to the bottom of the sea. + +'To climb on deck and ascertain the cause of the disaster was the work +of a moment. It transpired that the cargo of carraway comfits had got +shifted and was mixed up with the camels. The captain was asleep at the +time, and every one else seemed to lose his wits, so I at once took the +matter into my own hands, and descended into the hold with twelve picked +men. + +'The plight of the camels was sad indeed to see. Some were fearfully +chafed with the comfits, thus proving with what force the latter must +have been showered upon them by the shifting of the cargo. Fortunately, +however, although it was very black in the ship's hold, the camels were +easily distinguished from the comfits, and it was only a work of +patience and a little time to sift them and so right the ship again. + +'When the captain awakened and learnt how I had saved the ship, his +gratitude knew no bounds, and he still further promoted me by making me +his ninth mate. + +'For years we sailed from port to port, taking in one cargo here, +another there, occasionally with some advantage to ourselves, but more +often with none at all, and never with any good fortune attending me in +my quest. When we were about thirty days' sail out from Guatemala, and, +as far as I could tell, in latitude 195 and longitude 350 (that is, +about 60 degrees east of the Equator), we encountered a storm which +brought me to the successful accomplishment of my quest. It was four +bells and my watch below, so I had gone aloft in the mizzen shrouds, and +with my feet resting idly on the top-gallant backstay, holding securely +to the weather topsail reeftackle, I munched a tunny sandwich, a few of +which I had prevailed upon the steward to cut for me. Under a clear sky, +we were making roughly, I should say, about 335 knots, and it was +already blowing half a gale; a choppy sea was running, yet, except for +the clots of spindrift, that now and again hurtled against the mast, +there was no real promise of the storm to come; so I went on with my +sandwiches. + +'We were now sailing close-hauled under double-reefed main storm +topsails and fore and aft main staysails, keeping a good course and +shipping very little water, when, suddenly, I beheld on the horizon, +well to windward, a little cloud no larger than a tomato,--the English +tomato, I mean, not the foreign species, though it rapidly attained that +size. It grew larger and larger until it was quite the size of a +full-grown vegetable marrow; yet, little recking that it contained the +seeds of the terrible tempest that was so soon to overwhelm us, I still +went on with my sandwiches. + +[Illustration: I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES] + +'Presently the gale increased, and the seas swelled up to the size of +Ludgate Hill. Whole shoals of the passive skate arose to the surface and +flopped warningly about our vessel. To leeward could be seen flocks of +the wild sea shrike, whose ominous bark could be distinctly heard above +the snort of the coming tempest. By now the cloud had half filled the +heavens; the seas rose higher and higher; the din was terrific, as the +wind tore from the sea shoal upon shoal of the shy sardine and whirled +them through the air. Soon the ship was drenched in the high seas that +continually broke over her and the quarts and quarts of rain that +wolloped from the dense cloud now covering the whole sky and blotting +out all light. + +'At last came the order from the captain, who now realised the danger +that threatened his vessel. "Up helm," roared he, through his +speaking-trumpet, "clew up the lee braces of the topsail halyards; haul +out the reef tackle and brail up the spanker." But the command came too +late. The fore-topsail studding booms went by the board, carrying with +them the bowsprit, the main mast, the fo'c's'le, the top-gallant +studding-sail halyard, and the captain's tobacco-pouch, which had been +placed upon the bowsprit earlier in the afternoon. Nothing could now be +seen except, here and there, the gleam on some fish as it was whirled, +with the masts, men, boots, screws, sharks, thimbles, sea anemones, +watch-chains, ship's stores, planks, and other miscellaneous objects, +through the sky. I had barely finished my last sandwich when, lo, +everything became a blank to me and I lost all consciousness. + +'How long I remained thus I cannot say, but I awakened on the sandy +shore of some island, upon which I had been thrown by the force of the +wind. Nothing could I see of my companions: a few planks and spars and +my own wretched self were all that remained to tell the tale of the good +ship _Turnip_. + +'The wind had dropped, and it was a beautiful morning, not a trace of +the storm remaining, only here and there the panting of the crayfish, as +they nestled behind the rocks, or the gasping of the oysters telling of +the strain they had undergone. I gazed along the shore in each +direction, hoping to discover a bathing-machine, and so satisfy myself +that the island was inhabited. Nothing was in sight, however, so I lay +down again and dozed. When I awoke once more it was high noon, and the +vertical rays of the sun warned me that it was time to take shelter. I +raised myself on one arm with this intention, when I became aware of a +strange figure, dressed in a long robe and with a great turban, who was +seated on a rock near by, gazing out to sea. + +'I got to my feet with considerable difficulty as I was faint with +hunger and stiff in the limbs, and was about to approach the object, +when I discovered two more figures, who evidently had the same +intention. Seemingly they did not wish to be observed by the singular +creature I have already described, for they were stealthily approaching +him from behind, creeping from rock to rock. I at once stooped down +behind a great star-fish, determined to watch unobserved. + +'I now noticed that both were savages, and that one of them held close +to his body an old, rusty kitchen-range; while the other carried, in one +hand, a basket of coals, and with the other supported a huge, iron +sauce-pan across his shoulders. Nearer and nearer drew the cannibals (as +I soon guessed them to be) to their intended victim, who, however, +either because he did not hear them, or did not dread them, took no +notice at all. Presently they were crouching down behind him, and he was +still apparently unconscious of their presence. Then, with a wild whoop +they leapt into the air, and dropped on the ground in front of him. Even +now the amazing creature took no notice of the cannibals or their +antics, as they danced and yelled around him. Soon realising that there +was something very unusual in his reception of them, they stared in awe +and amazement at him for some time, and then fled in terror, leaving the +saucepan, the kitchen-range and the other cooking utensils behind them. + +'They ran along the sands, and dropped behind a rock at a great distance +away, where they remained completely hidden for some long time. +Presently, however, one black head appeared for an instant above the +rock, and gazed in the direction of the thoughtful creature by the sea. +This head was very quickly withdrawn from view and another popped +up,--only to disappear as quickly. Then the first appeared again, and so +on. This continued until they had regained a little of their nerve, when +I could see them once more crawling back to the abstracted figure on the +shore. Again they drew very close to him, and now that they had +sufficiently mastered their fears, they approached and examined him very +closely, and proceeded at once to prepare their evening meal. First of +all they lit the fire, then they carefully placed their unresisting +victim in the saucepan, after filling it with water from the sea, and +were just about to lift it on to the range when I lost all patience, and +shouted from my hiding-place, "Hold!" so many times in quick succession, +and each time in a different tone of voice, that the cannibals must have +thought there were at least thirty men or more in hiding. At any rate, +they fled in the most abject terror, never to return. + +'Giving them good time to disappear, I now emerged from my hiding-place +and approached the absent-minded creature, gently lifting him from the +saucepan, in which I found him still sitting and gazing out to sea. +Gathering together many sea-urchins, rock-beetles, and branches of a +succulent sea-weed, with which the beach had been strewn by the recent +storm, I prepared an exquisite stew, and made a very hearty meal. I was +also able to induce my companion to take some, without, however, +succeeding in breaking his train of thought. + +[Illustration: FOR YEARS WE SAILED] + +'For many months no other friend had I than this preoccupied curiosity, +who seemed quite unable to give me any clue as to who he was or whence +he came. Perhaps he had been shipwrecked there in childhood--who +knows?--and wandered there ever since, the wonder of every limpet or +lugworm that squirmed upon those shores, or the sport of every mer-kid +that flipped a fin in those unknown waters. + +'To cut a long story short, I soon realised that here was the object I +was in search of, and that if this dreamy creature did not sufficiently +astonish old De Trevor, and compel him to consent to my marrying his +daughter, nothing on this earth would do the deed, so I resolved to +leave the island with my treasure as soon as I could make it possible to +do so. I set about making a raft, which I quickly succeeded in +completing, having since my childhood had a great knack at the making of +rafts, and, without undue delay, I embarked with my prize, provisioned +with as many shell-fish and branches of the succulent sea-weed as the +raft would carry. + +'After some few months, and just as we had finished our last limpet, we +had the good fortune to be picked up by a tramp-steamer, bound for +Saskatchewan from Mombasa, with a cargo of periwinkles. The captain was +such a kind-hearted man that, on hearing my story he decided to go out +of his course, and land us at Cherry Garden Pier; and so, my good +friends, after sixty years' sailing all over the globe, I arrived home +again, a poorer but a kinder man. + +[Illustration: The sport of every mer-kid] + +'You may be sure that I lost no time in seeking out Jane herself, with +every hope of at last being able to claim her hand, but alas! +gentlemen,' said the Ancient Mariner, with a large, salt tear about to +fall from each eye, and as he once more tenderly lifted his burden, 'I +was to find that Jane had become a very, very old woman, with many +little grandchildren of her own, and that she had entirely +forgotten my existence. She had me turned away from her doorstep as a +raving madman, even with my interesting, absent-minded, and inseparable +companion. + +'Thus, Good Sirs, I have to start life anew, and if my great experience +should be of any service to you, believe me, it is yours to command.' + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRIPLETS] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE TRIPLETS + + +Right gladly were the services of the plucky old salt accepted by the +gallant little band, and taking it in turns to relieve him of his +burden, they jovially marched along. The way was enlivened by many a +good chorus, until the old King complained of a headache, when every one +had to be quiet and talk only in quite a low tone, while Boadicea +soothed the old fidget, and lulled him to sleep, by removing his crown +and gently stroking the top of his head with a mint leaf, rolled into a +little ball, and fastened to the end of a stem of sweet-briar. He +awakened shortly after tea, very much refreshed for his nap, and every +one grew merry again. + +He now, however, considerably delayed the progress of the expedition by +insisting on running after butterflies, and trying to catch them in his +crown. Though anxious enough to continue their journey, all the army +awaited with great patience the pleasure of the old sportsman. At length +Knut, who had been eagerly watching the King for some time, as he +frisked about the fields after the brightly-coloured insects, could not +restrain himself from doing likewise. Now Hannibal joined in the sport, +then Quentin, then Noah, then Ratchett, and, so exciting did the chase +become, soon all the force were frantically running about the fields +with the lively monarch, while Boadicea remained by the carriage and +darned his old stockings. + +At last the King grew tired, and they all came back to the road and +resumed their march. The tiresome sovereign now insisted on the Ancient +Mariner removing his burden to the rear, complaining that the +absent-minded creature would stare at him, and that he did not wish to +be gazed at or wondered at. 'Time enough for that,' said he, 'when I'm +on my throne again.' Having effected this change in the order of the +procession, they now marched on without further interruption from the +King. + +Towards nightfall they drew near to the sea, on the shores of which they +hoped to spend the night. Bill being, as usual, a little in advance of +the others, was the first to descend to the sands, seated on which he +discovered, to his great astonishment, three young children weeping +bitterly, and near to them, in the same state of grief, he beheld an +old gentleman seated upon a rock. But what aroused his astonishment even +more than their extreme wretchedness, was the fact that the three +children were all exactly alike in every particular,--the same size, the +same hair, the same eyes,--in fact, there was no perceptible difference +of any kind between them. Now and again, one of the children would +endeavour to comfort the old man, and he again would attempt to perform +the like kindly office for them. Wondering what could so upset such +worthy creatures, Bill approached and besought them to confide to him +their troubles, that he might try to relieve them to the best of his +ability. Their tears, however, effectually prevented them from replying +at once to him. Giving them a little time to recover, Bill again +addressed them. 'Who are you?' said he, and they all answered between +their sobs, 'We are the Duchess of Blowdripping and her two sisters, +Mellinid and Edil.' + +'Which of you,' asked Bill, 'is the Duchess?' + +'That's what we don't know,' they replied. 'We only know that she is +neither Mellinid nor Edil.' + +'Then who of you is Mellinid, and who Edil?' again queried the puzzled +Bill. + +'That's what all the trouble's about,' they tearfully rejoined. 'All we +can tell you for certain is that neither of them is the Duchess,' and +the poor little creatures redoubled their cries. + +More puzzled than ever, and quite at a loss to find any clue to their +troubles, Bill again besought them to relieve their minds by confiding +in him. Then one of the little creatures stood up and, after drying her +eyes, addressed Bill in the following way:-- + +[Illustration: ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN] + +'As you have most likely guessed, we are triplets, and were christened +Blaura, Mellinid and Edil, after three great-aunts renowned for their +intelligence and their many virtues. From our earliest days we were so +much alike that each had to wear a different coloured hair-ribbon to +distinguish her from her sisters. Blaura wore red, Mellinid blue, and +Edil green. Our affectionate parents, the late Duke and Duchess of +Blowdripping, died when we were barely six months old, and we were all +left in charge of our uncle, the benevolent gentleman you see weeping on +my left. Before the thoughtful creatures expired, feeling that their end +was drawing near, they were faced with the difficult problem as to which +of us should be the new Duchess; all of us, as I have said before, being +of the same age. Of course, I need not tell you that it was quite out of +the question we should all inherit the title; three young ladies trying +to be one duchess would be absurd in the extreme. So our intelligent and +resourceful mother and father decided, after much deliberation with the +family solicitor, and the vicar of the parish, that Blaura should +succeed to the title and all the dignities of the Duchy of Blowdripping +when she arrived at the age of eight years, and that, at the same time, +Mellinid should become the owner of Blowdripping Hall, with its +priceless collections of pictures, old china, fossils and foreign +stamps, and Edil become the possessor of the Blowdripping Park, in which +the Hall is so pleasantly situated, with its herds of hedgehogs, elands +and gnu. I am sure you will agree with me that no more just division of +their great possessions could have been devised by the fair-minded +couple. Our uncle was kindness itself, ever watching us with the +affectionate care of a mother. He was always at hand to look to our +comforts, and to see that no danger drew nigh, whether we were bathing +in the marble fountains of the courtyard, taking the air in the park, or +sleeping in our tastefully-decorated bedroom. + +'One beautiful summer's afternoon, when we were about one year old, we +had been taken on to the verandah to enjoy our afternoon nap, in order +that we might have advantage of the delightful breeze that blew across +the woods from the sea. As usual our uncle was near by, and so soothing +was the air that, unable to resist its drowsy influence, he, too, soon +dozed off. Unfortunately we awakened before our unconscious nurse, and +immediately rolled out of our cradles, and crawled along the pavement of +the verandah. Great sport we had, I have no doubt, as children will, and +certain it is that, attracted by their brilliant colours, we lost no +time in removing from each other's heads our distinguishing ribbons, and +speedily mixing them up. However, at length, and too late, our baby +laughter awakened the old gentleman from his sleep. Too great for words +was the astonishment of the unhappy man when he beheld us all shuffled +up and mixed in this deplorable way upon the pavement. Bitterly he +accused himself of wicked negligence for allowing such a thing to +happen, for so alike were we without our distinguishing ribbons, that he +could never hope to know one from the other again. He thought, and +thought, and thought for the whole afternoon, but at the end he was no +nearer discovering again which was the future Duchess, which Mellinid, +and which Edil. At last, he gave it up in despair. Henceforth we were +known only collectively as the future Duchess and her two sisters, but +which is the Duchess, and which the two sisters, will remain for ever a +mystery. + +[Illustration: WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS] + +[Illustration: He was always at hand] + +'Nevertheless, we grew up in comparative happiness until yesterday, the +fateful day when we all became eight years of age. Before +breakfast, and with all due solemnity, our faithful uncle handed over to +us the control and guardianship of the Blowdripping possessions, which +had been entrusted to him until we should arrive at our present age, +but, alas! we could not avail ourselves of the good provision made for +us by our thoughtful parents, as neither one of us knew which of us we +were. The Duchess, as head of the family, could not give her consent to +anything, or advance any money for the housekeeping as, for all she +knew, she might be one of her own sisters, in which case she would have +been touching that which did not rightly belong to her. For the same +reason Mellinid, not knowing who she herself was, could not give her +consent to our remaining at the Hall, and likewise Edil could not allow +the magnificent house still to occupy its lovely situation in the +Blowdripping Park. After talking the matter over, and over again, we +have come to the conclusion that, without the permission of the proper +owners, which, you will see, it is impossible for us to obtain, the only +course open to us was to abandon our riches, and to leave the park and +the castle for ever. Our good uncle, putting all the blame for our +troubles upon his own negligence, insisted on accompanying us.' + +At the conclusion of this strange story Bill was certainly aghast at the +very difficult problem put before him, and quite at a loss to offer any +solution. He therefore conducted the trembling triplets and their +grief-stricken uncle before the King, who had in the meantime arrived +upon the shore. Bill explained the difficult position in which the poor +young things found themselves; but, wise as he undoubtedly was, the King +for some time could make nothing whatever of it. He called all his +officers and soldiers round him, and they formed one great semicircle, +of which he was the centre; the triplets were then placed before him, +and he at once proceeded to question them. + +'Have you,' said he, addressing the first triplet, 'any idea as to which +of the three of you you really are?' + +'None whatever,' answered the child. + +He then repeated the same question to the other triplets, and received +the same answer. + +'Come now,' continued the King, in a cheerful voice, 'does any one of +you feel at all like a duchess?' + +'We don't know how a duchess should feel,' they all replied. + +The King here frowned severely and ground his teeth. + +'Now, one of you must be telling an untruth,' said he, 'for one of you, +as you say, is the Duchess, and must know exactly how she feels, which +must be how a duchess feels. Come now, which of you is she?' And the +quick-tempered monarch knit his brows into the most terrible folds. +'Unless that one is one of her own sisters and not the Duchess,' he +roared, 'she ought to be ashamed of her deceit, and severely punished; +and if, indeed, she is not the Duchess, then she ought to be punished +all the same. I've half a mind to have the three of you smacked hard, +that I may at least be certain of punishing the right one.' + +Bill suggested timidly that perhaps this would be rather unfair, as two +of them at least would be unjustly punished. + +'But which two?' snapped the irritated King. 'How can any of them feel +unjustly treated if she doesn't know whether she's the guilty one or +not?' And he worked himself into a terrible fury, and strode up and down +the sands, no one daring to approach him. Suddenly, without any warning +of his intention, he ran down to the sea, and removing his shoes and +stockings, cooled his temper by paddling his feet in the sea-water. In a +little time he returned, his excitement much allayed, and soon the cries +of the distracted and unhappy triplets, together with the pitiful sighs +of the dejected uncle, entirely assuaged the wrath of the sympathetic, +though quick-tempered, old man. + +When he once more resumed his place before the three children the storm +had passed, and a sweet, good-natured smile enlivened his homely old +face, and charmed all beholders. + +'Well, well, well,' said he, 'triplets will be triplets after all, and +uncles uncles, all the world over.' + +He at once resumed the inquiry, and placing his hand kindly on the head +of the second triplet he now addressed the first in the following way:-- + +'Let us suppose for the moment that you happen to know which of your +sisters this particular one really is, who, in that case, would the +third one be, if she (the third) were not Mellinid?' + +'Either Edil or the Duchess,' promptly replied the intelligent child. + +'Quite right,' said the King encouragingly, 'Now as this is not so, and +you certainly do not know which of your sisters this one happens to be, +the reverse must be true, so that if your other sister is neither Edil +nor the Duchess, who must she be?' + +'Mellinid, of course,' readily answered the child, and every one +applauded and wondered at the wisdom of the King. + +'It only now remains,' proceeded the King, addressing the first and +second triplets 'to discover which of you is Edil and which the +Duchess.' Placing his hand once more upon the head of the second +triplet, he again addressed the first. + +'Suppose, for the sake of argument, that this sister of yours whom we +now know not to be Mellinid were Mellinid and Mellinid the Duchess, in +that case you would assuredly be Edil. Now as you cannot suppose this +sister to be Mellinid when you know she is not, and the Duchess is the +Duchess and not Mellinid, then our supposition must be wrong and the +reverse true, so that Mellinid remains Mellinid and, as we say you are +not Edil, then this little girl must be she.' Then shaking the first +triplet by the hand, the complacent old potentate said in +conclusion:--'And you, my dear creature, are thus proved to be neither +Edil nor Mellinid but Blaura, the charming Duchess of Blowdripping, to +whom I offer my hearty congratulations.' The cheerful soul now embraced +the three children, and when he had a hand free he slapped the old +uncle, who now looked the very picture of happiness, several times upon +the back. + +[Illustration: THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY] + +Cheers were raised again and again at the unheard-of wisdom of the King +of Troy. The old uncle completely exhausted himself by leaping high into +the air over and over again, while the triplets were beyond themselves +with joy at such a successful end to their troubles. + +So delighted were the triplets with their new friends that, during +breakfast the next morning, they announced their intention of +accompanying them to their journey's end, and entrusted the care of the +Blowdripping estate to their old uncle until they should return. The +camp packed up and when every one was ready to continue the journey, +they all took an affectionate leave of the old man and marched on. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOOD AUNT GALLADIA] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +GOOD AUNT GALLADIA + + +At first the King seemed disposed to be not a little irritable towards +the triplets, murmuring something to himself about the extra expense. A +good lunch, however, soon put him to rights, and he was his old cheerful +self again. + +In the afternoon they met upon the road a long thin man with a grin of +the greatest self-satisfaction widening his otherwise narrow face. In +one hand he carried a cage containing a miserable old bird that could +hardly boast an egg-cupful of feathers on its whole shrivelled body; in +the other he carried a large wooden box. He very good-naturedly stood +aside for the army to move on, but the King, whose curiosity had been +aroused, would not allow him to be passed unquestioned, so he rang a +little bell he always carried with him for the purpose, and the whole +force at once stopped short. In obedience to a signal from the King, the +long man stepped jauntily before him. 'Anything wrong, old chirpy?' said +he, addressing the King rather rudely as some thought. 'Not with me,' +the King replied with much dignity. 'My only reason for calling you +before me is to learn why you are so extremely pleased with yourself. +Such a secret would be of the greatest value to us all.' 'Because she's +given these back to me,' answered the long fellow as he opened his box +and disclosed, all neatly arranged, a beautiful collection of birds' +eggs. Every kind appeared to be there, and all of the most beautiful +colours imaginable. + +'But who is she?' queried the King. + +'Why, my good Aunt Galladia, of course, but it's too long a story to +tell standing up, so let us sit down by the roadside, and you shall hear +all about it.' + +Every one now seated themselves on the grass by the side of the road and +over a comforting cup of tea, speedily brewed by Boadicea, the long man +began his story:-- + +'My good aunt's full name was Galladia Glowmutton, and she was the only +daughter of that gallant general, Sir Francis Melville Glowmutton, who +distinguished himself so greatly in the defence of his country. + +'It was my good fortune to spend my earliest days in this good +creature's company, she, noble soul that she was, having undertaken to +look after me when my poor father and mother disappeared in a sand-storm +many years before. + +'The greater part of her life this good woman had devoted to brightening +the declining years of her well-loved father, whose arduous life, poor +man, had left him in his old age, truth to tell, rather a tiresome, and +sometimes a difficult, subject to get on with. However, thanks to her +devotion and patience, he led a tolerably happy life. In the course of +time the old warrior died and left the sorrowing lady well provided +for,--that is, over and beyond necessaries, with sufficient money to +keep up appearances, and even enough for her simple pleasures and +hobbies. + +'For some months my good aunt could not fill the blank in her life left +by the loss of her father. So much kindness, however, could not be kept +back for long, and was bound in the course of time to find its object. +Always with a love for every feathered creature, she at last set about +gathering around her as complete a collection of them as she could +obtain. Soon she had in her aviaries the most marvellous assembly of +birds ever brought together even at the Zoo. There were specimens of the +Paraguay gull, Borneo parrots, Australian gheck ghees, the laughing +grete, Malay anchovy wren that only feeds upon anchovies (and very +amusing indeed it is, too, to watch them spearing the little fish with +their beaks and then trying to shake them off again), and the +golden-crested mussel hawk, that swoops down from an incredible height +and, snatching its prey from the rocks, again disappears in the sky. +Without wearying you with a long list, nearly every known bird was +represented in my aunt's collection, from the fierce saw-beaked stork of +Tuscaroca to the mild and pretty little Gossawary chick. + +'Much as she prized every one of her pets, she loved most of all the +very rare and beautiful green-toed button crane of Baraboo. So fond was +she of the stately creature, and so careful of its every comfort, that +she employed a maid to wait on it alone, and a special cook to prepare +its meal of Peruvian yap beans, the delicious and tender kernels of +which the dainty creature was inordinately fond of,--and, indeed, they +were the only food upon which it throve. + +'Now, with your permission, a few words about myself. Like my aunt I, +too, had birdish leanings, but unlike her in this, that instead of birds +I collected birds' eggs, of which I had a vast number of every +conceivable variety. Ashamed as I am to state it, little did my good +Aunt Galladia know how many of the valuable specimens in my collection +were taken from her aviaries. Nevertheless she viewed my specimens with +growing suspicion, until at last she implicitly forbade me to collect +any more. For a time I desisted, and merely contented myself with +gloating over my already vast collection, but in a little while +temptation became too strong for me and I resumed my pursuits. + +'One afternoon about this time I had mounted a tall tree in the +Glowmutton Park, intent on obtaining the contents of a nest built in its +highest branches. For some time I was unable to approach the nest, but +at length, by dint of much perseverance, I just managed to reach my hand +over the top, and took therefrom three beautiful eggs, of a kind as yet +unrepresented in my collection. So occupied was I with my prize, that I +did not at first observe what was taking place beneath the tree. But on +beginning to descend, I saw to my horror immediately below me, my Aunt +Galladia and her pet crane seated at tea, with the crane's maid in +attendance. + +[Illustration: I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS] + +'Needless to say I did not continue my descent, but climbed out to the +end of a branch, high over the group. I waited in dreadful suspense in +the hope that my aunt would not look up, and that they would soon finish +their meal and depart as quickly as they had arrived, but, alas! they +were in no hurry. I trembled now so much that I could hear the leaves +rustling on the branch, and whether it was that in my fear I loosened my +hold, or that the branch shook so under my trembling form, or whether +the sight of a beautiful plum cake, directly over which I was poised, +made me lose my nerve, I know not, but certain it is that I fell from my +position right on to the table. Both my aunt and the maid fainted at +once quite away, and the timid green-toed button crane of Baraboo was in +such a terrible flutter that in its excitement it snapped the slender +gold chain that held it and flew into the sky, where it was soon lost to +view. "Now I've done it," thought I, and, no doubt, should have run away +had I been able to move, but I was so bruised that I was compelled to +remain among the shattered remains of the table and tea things. +Presently the maid came to, and then my aunt, and nothing could exceed +her rage and grief at losing her valuable pet. They took me home between +them and put me to bed, and the severest punishment they could devise +was to take away from me my lovely collection of eggs. "Never," +shrieked my wrathful aunt, "shall you have these again until you bring +back to me my beautiful crane." + +[Illustration: I ANGLE THE AIR] + +'After a while I recovered, but no one dared to speak to me, and I moped +about the house in solitary wretchedness without a single egg to +contemplate. + +'At last I could bear it no longer, and one night I left the house +determined never to return again without the crane. I took with me an +old perambulator, in which I had been wheeled about as a child, and +in this I placed six of the delicious kernels of the Peruvian yap bean, +besides a hatchet and other things which I thought might be useful on my +journey. I slept in the forest and, on the following morning I cut down +the straightest tree I could find for my purpose, trimmed it to a fine +long pole, and on the very top of this I fastened a pin, bent to the +form of a fish-hook, which I now baited with one of the yap kernels. + +[Illustration: I fell from my position] + +[Illustration: I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SANDS] + +'"If anything will attract the bird, this will," thought I, having +fastened the foot of the pole to my perambulator. I now proceeded to +angle the air for the lost crane. Carefully following the direction I +had observed the bird to take when it broke away from its chain, I +travelled for weeks and weeks, without seeing any sign of it. In time, +without even a nibble, the first kernel was dissolved and worn away by +the wind and rain, and, in like manner the same fate overcame the +second, with which I baited my hook; then the third, then the fourth, +and then the fifth. + +'Still keeping the same direction, by this time I had arrived at the +very edge of the world, beyond which there is nothing but sea and sky. +Believing that the poor creature had flown out over this lonely sea, and +hoping that it might return when it realised that there was no land +beyond, I determined to wait on the desolate shore. + +'I now erected my pole on the sands, after once more baiting my hook, +this time with a piece of my last kernel, having taken the precaution of +cutting it into six pieces. I now waited patiently, week after week, +subsisting on the oysters, the starfish, and the edible crustaceans, +that wandered tamely about the shore. Months now passed by, and, one by +one, the five pieces of my last yap kernel had followed the other five +kernels with which I had set out from home. I am not easily beaten, +however, and though many months had passed by without my meeting with +any success, I would not give in, but husbanded my last piece of bait +with the greatest care. I cut a chip of wood from my angling pole, and +shaped it in the form of a kernel of the Peruvian yap bean. This I +rubbed well all over with the tiny piece of the real kernel that yet +remained to me, until it assumed somewhat the colour of the original +bean and, certainly, when applied to the tip of the tongue, it appeared +to partake, though very slightly, it is true, of the original flavour, +and with this I once more baited my hook. + +[Illustration: ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN] + +'By this means I made my last piece of bean last for some years, for as +soon as the artificial bean had lost its flavour, I rubbed it up again +with the real one. But even this could not go on for ever, and, at last, +the true piece was worn right away; so, to preserve what little flavour +there yet remained of the true bean in the false bean, on which it had +been so often rubbed, I soaked it for six days in a large shell of +rain-water. In the meantime I cut another chip from my pole, and spent +nearly six days in carving out another artificial kernel. Before +baiting my hook with this, I dipped it into the fluid in which the old +wooden kernel was still soaking, whence it received a very very faint +suggestion of the original flavour, but so faint was this that it had to +be redipped three times a day. This went on for some time, until the +precious liquor began to run low, and I was compelled to dilute it still +further, in the proportion of about five drops to a mussel-shellful of +water, into which the wooden kernel was now dipped ten or twelve times a +day. + +'Well, I had been at this game, I should say, getting on for twenty +years, and now resolved to have done with it, after risking all on one +throw. So I dropped my wooden kernel, all rotted and weather-beaten as +it was, into what little there remained over of the pure liquor, this +time without diluting it at all, and then let it stew all day in the +sun. + +'In the evening the liquor was all evaporated, and the wooden bean +seemed to the taste as though it possibly might have been in the +vicinity of a real one some time before. On that evening, for the last +time, I baited my hook and slept soundly at the foot of the pole. + +'I was awakened next morning by the wind that had arisen during the +night, and a great wrenching noise, as it tore my poor old angling-pole +from its place in the sand, and carried it out to sea. + +'"That settles it once and for all," thought I, much relieved, "and I'm +off home," and I set about getting my things together. While I was thus +engaged, it occurred to me that the old pole might be useful for fires, +so I swam out for it. Already it had been blown some way out to sea, +and, as the tide was against me, it was only with a very great exertion +of strength that I gained at all upon it, and I was just about to give +it up when I beheld, fastened to the bent pin at the end of the pole, +the wretched crane. The sight lent me greater strength, and, after +incredible exertions, I reached the pole almost exhausted. We were now +too far from the shore to attempt to return, so I got astride the pole, +and immediately proceeded to unfasten the unhappy fowl from my bent pin. +At first I thought the poor thing dead, but I nursed it in my arms all +through the ensuing night, and, on the following morning, happening to +glance down its half-opened beak, I could just see that my wooden +imitation of the kernel of the Peruvian yap bean had become lodged in +its throat. This I at once removed, and, to my great joy, the dejected +fowl almost immediately opened its eyes. Soon it became its old stately +self again, though now I could see that the poor thing had aged very +considerably since it left home. + +'Well, to cut a long story short, at length the gale ceased, and we +landed safely on the shore, much nearer to our home, and, after many +vicissitudes and adventures, of which I shall have great pleasure in +telling you at another time, we eventually arrived at Glowmutton +Castle. + +'To my grief I learnt that my good aunt, Galladia, had died many years +before of old age, and that, true to her own good-nature, her last +commands were that if ever I should return with her dearly-loved fowl, +my collection of eggs was to be handed back to me, and in recompense for +all my privations and exertions to recover the bird, I was to have the +care of it and the comfort of its society as long as it lived. So, now +you see why I am so pleased with myself.' + +The King and the whole army were charmed with the recital, and the long +man, whose many noble qualities had already endeared him to them, was +cordially invited to join the forces. + +'It's all one to me, my cronies,' said the good-natured creature, and +they all trudged on. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOCTOR] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE DOCTOR + + +For many days they had now travelled without meeting with any adventure, +when one evening they saw coming towards them a bright young lad, who +was leading by the hand an exceedingly learned-looking old gentleman. +Their appearance was such as to arouse the King's curiosity to such a +degree that he asked the boy the time as he was passing, and then, when +all stood still in the road, he led the talk from one thing to another +until at last, emboldened by their friendliness, the King came to the +point, and asked the lad who he was and whence he had come. + +The two strangers then sat down at the side of the road, and the lad +thus addressed the King:-- + +'You may not believe it, but I am the original Ptolemy Jenkinson, the +only and well-beloved nephew of that great and celebrated doctor, +Ebenezer Scrout, whom you now see at my side. When, a trembling orphan, +I was thrown upon an unfeeling world, he alone of my numerous uncles, +aunts, so-called friends and guardians, undertook to find me a +comfortable and even luxurious home, and so to educate me that I might +prove worthy of occupying the exalted position for which I am destined. + +'Uncle Ebenezer was my mother's brother and, a true Scrout, he inherited +all his good qualities from my grandfather, Phelim Scrout, the +well-known turfcutter, from whom, by the way, I inherit most of +mine--but of these it does not become me to speak. + +'Many people, jealous perhaps of his great fame, have ridiculed my +uncle's claim to be a member of this ancient family, but to set this +matter for ever at rest, I have here copied a few notes from the +Scroutean genealogical tree, preserved in the archives of the family.' +Ptolemy Jenkinson here took from his pocket and handed to Bill a sheet +of paper upon which the following notes were written in a clear bold +hand:-- + + MISTS OF THE PAST + + PHELIM SCROUT = MOLLY? + (The well-known turfcutter) | + | + ---------------------------------- + | | + TOD SCROUT = MANDY M'GUIRE PEARL (died of + | megrims at an + | early age) + | + ------------------------------------------------------ + | | | | | | + LU EBENEZER MANDY CASSANDRA = WAT LIL + TOM JENKINSON + | + PTOLEMY + +When these had been examined by the company, Ptolemy resumed his tale:-- + +'Uncle Eb, as I very soon learned to call him, was ever the victim of +his own generous heart. Continually adopting people, both old and young, +he was doomed to be taken advantage of by those to whom he was most +kind. How well can I remember, amongst many another ungrateful adopted +son, uncle, aunt or cousin, young Sigurd, the birthday-monger, who +entered the family about the same time as myself. It was he who secretly +wrote his name on each page of Uncle Eb's birthday-book and received a +present every day from the absent-minded old gentleman until he was +discovered writing his name twice on some pages and was straightway +disadopted. + +[Illustration: FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS] + +'Not alone to his own family circle was the doctor's kindness +confined; it extended to all with whom he came in contact. Before +sending in his bills he always provided his patients with enough money +to pay them, and promptly returned the cash with the receipts, deducting +only one penny for the stamp in each case. + +'Invariably most sympathetic with his suffering patients, he spent many +years of his noble life in studying how to make his medicines as +pleasant and sweet to the taste as the most delightful confections ever +placed upon the Lord Mayor's table, while his greatest endeavour was +always to make a period of sickness one also of pleasurable relaxation +for his patients. + +'In time the children went mad with excitement, and jumped for very joy +on learning that they had contracted measles, and would far sooner, any +day, have the mumps than a birthday every week. And oh! what thrills of +joy would pass through their little frames on learning that they would +have to lie up for a bilious attack and be attended by the good-natured +Doctor Ebenezer Scrout, and treated with his delicious jalaps and +powders. + +'Unfortunately, however, so pleasant was the treatment, that the +children in time were even tempted to make themselves ill on purpose, by +eating as many jam puffs as they could buy with their Saturday monies, +and soon nearly every child was down with a bad bilious attack, and all +the schools had to be closed. + +'Even the grown-ups began to indulge in these jam puffs, buying them in +large quantities and falling ill one by one, much preferring to be +tucked up snugly in bed with a comfortable bilious attack and the +good-natured doctor in attendance, to ordinary good health and hard +work, with the many disappointments and trials of everyday life. + +'First the Lord Mayor was taken bad--then the leader of the town band +and all his bandsmen. Now the shopmen began to feel queer, and one by +one the aldermen toddled to their beds. In time everybody was laid up, +and no one was left to do the work of the town. All the shops, theatres, +markets, and railway stations were closed, and the streets quite +deserted except for the doctor and the puff baker, each trying to undo +the work of the other. + +'Hardly a sound could be heard in the streets except perhaps the clink +of a spoon against a bottle from a room above, as some patient prepared +his evening dose, or the shuffling footsteps of the old doctor as he +went his daily round, and sometimes the loud rat-tat of the puff baker +would awaken the echoes of the lonely streets as he called from door to +door for orders in the morning. + +'Strange grasses and sweet-scented wild flowers began to grow in the +streets, and mushrooms and straggling carrots forced a way between the +crevices of the pavements. Sprays of wild spinach hung from the +lamp-posts, and the market-place became one waving jungle of broccoli. +The very sparrows, deprived of their daily crumbs, grew thin and nervy +with the green diet they were compelled to subsist upon. Croaking and +griding, instead of chirruping musically to their young as is their +wont, they so affected the good-hearted doctor that he could never pass +them without some cheering word, and never could he withstand the +beseeching look in their eyes. Within doors the prospect was hardly more +encouraging. Strong vegetable-marrows twined their branches and their +many tendrils round the table legs and the chairs; great turnips +stoutened and burst upon the stairs; spring onions bristled in the +corners of the Lord Mayor's dining-hall, while his grand piano was +completely hidden in the gorgeous festoons of mint that, unchecked, had +run a ragged riot about the place. + +[Illustration: THE PUFF BAKER] + +'At last, after two months of sickness, and despite every attention and +kindness on the part of the doctor, the patients began to weary of being +ill and kept to their beds for so long. The Lord Mayor was the first to +arise and, although very weak in the legs, he managed to crawl to the +top of the stairs, and looking down, beheld, to his dismay, the dreadful +state of ruin in which everything was involved. He called for his +servants as loudly as his weakness would allow him, and, obtaining no +reply, he scrambled down the stairs on his hands and knees, and +clamoured shrilly for a cut from the joint. As, of course, there was no +one to procure this for him nor, indeed, any joint from which to +procure a cut, he boiled himself an egg, and was able to survey the +scene more calmly. + +[Illustration: TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS] + +'Presently the aldermen crawled down one by one, then the shopmen, then +the bandsmen, and, finally, the rest of the inhabitants, disturbed by +the weeping and yells of those already arisen, struggled downstairs, and +in agony beheld the general devastation. + +'Resolved not to touch another drop of the doctor's medicine, they +satisfied the cravings of their hunger, which now began to be felt, on +the wild marrows, turnips, and mushrooms that everywhere abounded, and +by degrees regained a little of their former vigour. + +[Illustration: The Lord Mayor held a long council] + +'The Lord Mayor and aldermen, already feeling a little more comfortable, +held a long council, at which it was decided that it would be less +expensive to burn the old town, and to build a new one on its site, than +to try and clear up the old one. It was also decided to arrest the +unfortunate doctor, whom they all now joined in accusing as the cause of +their trouble, and bring him to trial. + +[Illustration: AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE] + +'In the course of time the town was rebuilt, and the doctor was the +first prisoner to stand on his trial at the new Town Hall. + +'On the appointed day the Hall was crammed to its utmost, as at one time +the prisoner had been much loved and looked up to by his +fellow-townsmen. + +'When the Lord Mayor arrived in state, between two Admirals of the +Fleet, and took his seat, the foreman of the jury awakened his +brother-jurors, who had been dozing off, and called for three cheers for +the Lord Mayor, in which everybody joined. The Lord Mayor made no reply, +except to frown severely at the foreman, and proceeded at once with the +business in hand. "Lock all the doors and bring in the prisoner," cried +he in a loud voice, after clearing his throat. The doors were instantly +locked, but some confusion arose when it was discovered that they could +not bring in the prisoner unless one were unlocked again. On this being +very politely pointed out to the Lord Mayor (who did not seem quite to +like being corrected), he altered his order, and cried out: "Bring in +the prisoner, and lock all the doors." Immediately the band struck up +the most martial music and the prisoner was brought in, tied tightly +with twine, sealed with red sealing-wax, and guarded by a squad of +infantry, who at once formed fours, and marked time for the rest of the +afternoon. + +'When the music had ceased, and the general excitement caused by the +entrance of the prisoner had subsided, the Lord Mayor politely requested +him to take a seat, which he very gladly did, on being untied by the +policeman. + +'Now, as every one knew that the doctor had really been the cause of all +the trouble, the only point to be decided at the trial was whether he +had done it intentionally or not, and the Lord Mayor addressed him +accordingly, asking him if he had anything to say upon the subject. The +doctor happened to be thinking of something else at the moment and, +moreover, had his head turned in another direction, watching a fly on +the window of the hall, so that he did not hear the question. The Lord +Mayor waited about a quarter of an hour for an answer, and receiving +none, he called, in an annoyed tone, for the witnesses for the +prosecution. + +[Illustration: THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN] + +'The principal witness for the prosecution was a Sicilian char-woman, +whose evidence was translated by one of the many aldermen present to +assist in case of need. It appeared that in her young days she had made +the acquaintance of a young and handsome Sicilian waiter, a distant +cousin, and a native of the village in which she was born. So friendly +did they become in time that he had confided to her many of the secrets +of his life, and, amongst others, one that had weighed very heavily upon +his mind. Some time previously, when employed at a well-known +refreshment hall, on the coast of Lombardy, he had waited upon a +distinguished young gentleman of considerable means, and had overheard +him whisper to a chance acquaintance, seated at the next table, that a +friend of his, a tall dark man, had met a young lady at a whist-party, +whose greatest friend had an aunt, formerly engaged to a well-meaning +curate, who averred that his brother knew for certain that IT WAS DONE +QUITE INTENTIONALLY BY ---- Here the waiter was called away to another +client, and did not hear the rest of the sentence. + +'Now the Sicilian char-woman, on hearing this from her good friend, was +much puzzled, and not knowing to whom the words might refer, made a +mental note of it at the time. On reading of the arrest of the doctor, +however, and of what he was accused, she concluded that there must be +some connection between him and the man mentioned by the brother of the +well-meaning curate formerly engaged to the aunt of the greatest friend +of the young lady who was met at the whist party by the tall dark friend +of the young gentleman of considerable means who, as you know, was +waited upon by the Sicilian waiter at the well-known refreshment hall in +Lombardy, so she had hastened from Sicily to tell her tale. At the +conclusion of her evidence a murmur of admiration was heard all over the +court, and the Lord Mayor was so charmed with her and the really +pleasant way in which she had told her tale, that he lightly threw a +half-crown to her across the hall, which she very neatly caught. She +then sat down, amidst the cheers of the crowd. + +'The principal witness for the defence was a young journeyman tailor, +who stated that on cleaning out the pockets of an old coat which had +been left at his house for repairs by a dark gentleman of mysterious +appearance, he had discovered an old envelope upon which he could just +trace the figures 56--6.30 A.M. The coat was never called for, and the +tailor pondered over the envelope, but could make nothing of it. He +showed it to every policeman of his acquaintance, but not one could +unravel the mystery, and, as a last resource, he procured an +introduction to the principal policeman in the British Museum Library. +This great man examined the envelope very carefully, but with no result, +and the only advice he could give him was to call at every house +numbered 56 at 6.30 in the morning and see what would happen. + +'The tailor followed this advice diligently for some time and met with +many rebuffs, as he had nothing to say on the door being opened to him. +At length one morning he came to an empty house numbered 56, the steps +of which were littered with straw. Gazing hopelessly at this for some +time, he noticed that three pieces pointed distinctly in one direction +to the corner of the street, and you may well imagine his surprise when, +on following the direction indicated by the straw, he came across this +postcard.' + +Ptolemy Jenkinson here handed this torn postcard to the company. + +[Illustration: POSTCARD] + +Ptolemy again proceeded with his story:-- + +'Now the tailor, more puzzled than ever, took the card home, and, after +weeks of deep thinking, decided that the card must have been completed +thus.' + +Ptolemy here handed the remaining portion of card, with the tailor's +suggested completion, to the company. + +'You may guess the surprise of every one present when the tailor +produced the completed card. The Lord Mayor gazed at it in astonishment. +He turned it over and over, and suddenly noticing that there was a +foreign stamp on the other side, he became more excited than ever, and +asked if he might tear it off, as his son had rather a good collection. +This the tailor readily allowed him to do, and this put the Lord Mayor +in a good temper for the rest of the afternoon, and gave a more cheerful +aspect to the case altogether. + +[Illustration: POSTCARD] + +'After the tailor's evidence, which, of course, proved that the doctor +had not intended to bring about the harm of which he had been the +unfortunate cause, there was nothing for the Lord Mayor to do but to +acquit the prisoner, which he did, much to everybody's relief. + +'The Lord Mayor then retired, after ordering a new suit of clothes from +the journeyman tailor, and inviting the Sicilian charwoman and the other +witnesses to progressive whist and to be introduced to his family. + +'So, Gentlemen,' said Ptolemy in conclusion, 'my uncle and myself are +quite free at last, and entirely at your service.' + +Such a valuable offer could not very well be refused, so, after +explaining the object of the expedition to their new friends, the whole +force moved joyfully on. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN +AND THE BOY SCOUT] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN AND THE BOY SCOUT + + +In due time the gallant army arrived at the little town of Killgruel, a +very respectable place indeed, at which they spent the pleasantest of +week-ends, entertained at 'At Homes,' soirées, and receptions, to any +number of which every member of the expedition was invited during their +brief stay. Bill and the King were the guests of the very respectable +and Right Honourable Hesketh Fitzgreynib, the Mayor of Killgruel, who +entertained them with the extremest gentility imaginable. So respectable +and genteel was their host, that it had been said of him that never had +he been known to don the same suit twice, having at the very least a new +one every day; nor had he ever been seen to remove his lavender gloves +even at meal times. It was also reported that, not content with bowing +most politely to every one he met in the street, he behaved in a like +genteel manner to all the pillar-boxes and lamp-posts that he passed +upon his way, and that he always walked sideways down the street with +his back to the wall, in order that he should not be compelled to turn +it upon the passers-by. Whether these reports are true or not, it is +certain that he was the most gentlemanly gentleman in all Killgruel, a +town which could boast more elegant and refined people than any other +town in the whole world. + +He was indeed the pride of Killgruel, and so respected by his +fellow-townsmen, who valued him greatly for his exceptional +gentlemanliness, that he was not allowed to soil his hands by so much as +a stroke of work, but only to be respectable from morning to night. An +intelligent boy scout was employed to look after him, and even to think +for him, with orders never on any account to leave him, so that in time +this respectable gentleman became very respectable indeed, and relying +for almost everything on the intelligence and affection of the boy +scout, who now performed for him even his duties as Mayor of Killgruel, +the good man was enabled to devote his whole thoughts to the +cultivation of his respectability. + +His good wife, the Lady Lilian Leankettle, who was extravagantly devoted +to her husband, shone in the same brilliant manner, and was quoted as a +model of gentility by all the good wives of the little community, while +Bildith, their charming and handsome daughter, gave every promise of +inheriting their interesting ways. + +But delightful as all this was to the band of warriors, on Monday +morning they were compelled to resume their journey. It was, however, so +early when they were ready to start that the gates of the town were not +unlocked, so the Honourable Hesketh, with whom, as Mayor of Killgruel, +the keys were always left at night, allowed the scout to take the keys +and let the wanderers out. After a charmingly polite farewell from the +Right Honourable Hesketh and others of their entertainers who had +gathered by the town hall to see them off, the gallant band marched down +the high street towards the only gate of the town, headed by the +intelligent boy scout. From the first the King showed symptoms of being +rather unmanageable, and Bill had great difficulty in getting him past +the shops, which were now all taking down their shutters, and when they +arrived at the sweet-stuff shop there was nothing for it but to go in +and buy him some cocoanut ice. + +At length they managed to get clear of the gates, which were then +closed with a bang behind them, and the last they saw of the intelligent +boy scout was with the great town keys held firmly between his teeth, in +order that he might hold with one hand the top of the wall to which he +had hastily climbed, while with the other he waved a fond good-bye to +the departing wanderers. + +With a great gurgling cry, which all took to be one of grief at their +departure, the affectionate lad suddenly disappeared and the brave +fellows resumed their march. + +Their road now took them across the mountains at the foot of which +nestled the little town of Killgruel. Towards evening the noble fellows +were crossing the highest peaks of the range, weary, and looking forward +to their supper and a good night's rest, both of which they proposed to +take in the woods on the other side of the mountains. Every one now +began to notice that the old King seemed worried about something or +other, and the further they marched the more fidgety he became, until at +last, when they had nearly descended to the woods on the other side, the +old aggravator called his general to him and said:--'Bill, did you +happen to notice in the window of the principal sweet-stuff shop in the +Killgruel high street, three fine fat sticks of liquorice leaning +against the bottle containing the pear drops? Well, I can't get them out +of my mind.' Bill tried to persuade him to forget them, and talked of +many other things, in order to distract him from such thoughts. +Presently he appeared to grow easier, and as he did not for some time +again refer to the liquorice sticks, Bill was pleased to think that he +had been successful in directing the old boy's thoughts into another +channel. However, as they were unpacking their things in the woods at +which they had now arrived and were lighting fires, preparatory to +cooking their suppers, the truly exasperating creature again called Bill +to him. 'Bill,' said he, with the most miserable face in the world, +'it's no good. I can't forget 'em, try as I will. I don't want any of +that nasty porridge I know they are about to prepare for supper. I must +have some of those liquorice sticks.' + +Hiding his annoyance as much as he could, Bill tried to convince him how +nice porridge really is and how good for him, but the discontented old +man, who no doubt had been very much spoilt as a boy, would hear nothing +of it. 'I don't want to be done good to,' cried he, 'and if I don't have +those liquorice sticks to-night before I go to bed I know I shall get +the fidgets and not be able to sleep a wink.' + +Bill now pointed out the difficulty of obtaining the liquorice, the +distance being so great that it would be impossible to have it brought +to the camp before midnight at the very earliest. + +The King, however, was obdurate, and Bill was now compelled, much +against his will, to summon the whole army together and call for a +volunteer to fetch the liquorice, but not one, not even the pluckful +Chad, would venture to return alone to Killgruel along the dreary +mountain road in the gathering night. Bill then suggested that two or +three should return together and keep each other company, but it was of +no avail. At last, the only way out of the difficulty that occurred to +Bill was for half the army to return for the liquorice, and the other +half to remain in the woods; but here yet another difficulty arose, for +no one would stay in the woods with the army weakened to that extent. + +[Illustration: BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR BOXES] + +At length Bill returned to the whimpering old potentate and once more +endeavoured to dissuade him from his selfish purpose, but the more Bill +talked, the more obstinate the old King became, and had it not been for +the severe training Bill had had as a minder, he must assuredly have +lost control of his temper. + +[Illustration: THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED] + +'I must have that liquorice,' whined the old grizzler, 'and if there is +no other way of obtaining it the whole army must pack up sticks and +return to Killgruel.' + +Many were the growls of discontent uttered by the poor fellows when Bill +gave the necessary orders to pack up again and prepare to return over +the mountains. Only by dint of the kindest words did he restrain a +mutiny, encouraging them at the same time to humour the old baby and put +up with his strange ways until he was restored to his throne, when, no +doubt, he would make it up to them in many ways. + +In a little time the brave fellows were all on the march again, but the +day was breaking by the time they arrived once more before the walls of +Killgruel, all utterly tired, grumpy, and footsore. Bill strode up to +the gates of the town, which, of course, at that time of the morning +were still closed, and pulled the bell vigorously. He waited some time, +and as there was no reply, he pulled the bell again, and then, after +another interval, he rang it with all his force, but with no result +whatever. He could now, however, hear a great muttering on the other +side of the wall and considerable running to and fro, so he determined +to wait patiently. At length the little wicket in the gate was opened +and one of the Killgruellers looked out, and, recognising Bill and his +comrades, hastily shut the wicket again after promising to fetch the +Mayor. + +Bill now waited a very long time before the wicket opened again, and in +the meantime his poor comrades, nearly overcome with their fatigue and +their hunger, had set up their camp before the walls and prepared their +breakfast, after eating which not one of them was able to keep his eyes +open a moment longer, and all fell fast asleep before their fires. Even +the old King dozed off and snored peacefully in his tent, forgetting, +for the first time in twenty-four hours, the sticks of liquorice, upon +the enjoyment of which he had so much set his heart. + +[Illustration: STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALLS] + +Bill alone of the whole force remained awake, and waited and waited, and +as he stood before the gates of the little town, the noise within grew +louder and louder until there was a terrific hub-bub within the walls. +At last the wicket opened and the face of the respectable Mayor appeared +in the little opening, but so altered that at first Bill hardly +recognised his good host of the day before, so upset and disturbed did +he seem. + +The poor man then in the most nervous manner explained that no one in +the town had seen anything of the boy scout nor of the town keys since +he had let the army out of the gate the previous morning, and until they +found them it was, of course, impossible to let any one in. However, the +good fellow (who certainly seemed rather helpless without his faithful +attendant), besought Bill to wait patiently, as they had not yet given +up hope of being able to open the gate. The wicket was again hurriedly +closed, and Bill, sitting down by the gate, prepared to wait as +patiently as he could. So tired, however, was the noble lad, that in +spite of all his endeavours to remain awake he soon fell fast asleep. +Long and deeply did he slumber, when he was awakened by a most terrible +and deafening noise within the town, which had been growing greater and +greater during his repose. + +Fortunately all in the camp, on account of their great fatigue, were so +deep in sleep that the great uproar was unable to awaken them, but Bill +at once stood up and scaled the walls to ascertain if possible the cause +of the awful din. + +The hub-bub was truly deafening, and from his position on the walls Bill +could see all over the little town, which was in a shocking state of +confusion. The contents of every house were turned into the streets, +and the distracted inhabitants everywhere hunting amongst the furniture +and taking it to pieces in their search for the lost keys. Beds were cut +open and discharged their feathers in great clouds that floated about +the town; the church steeple had been removed and shaken, and the inside +well scoured; many of the good people were descending chimneys attached +to lines; pavements were lifted, cellars ransacked, the Town Hall taken +to little pieces, old houses pulled down, pillar-boxes cleared out, and +lamp-posts blown through by the perplexed and almost frantic +Killgruellers in their efforts to find the lost keys. All the milk, the +wine, the water, the lemonade and the gravy were being strained through +butterfly nets or lawn tennis rackets, and, after melting it down, all +the butter, dripping and lard was treated in the same way. The treacle +tanks and great reservoirs of linseed tea were thoroughly dragged, but +with no result whatever. + +A great procession of the townsmen nearly filled the high street which +led from the gate to the further end of the town. One by one they +approached the gates and tried every key they possessed. All kinds of +keys, latch keys, watch keys, cupboard keys, box keys were tried, but +not one could be found that would open the lock. To make matters even +more unbearable, the respectable Mayor, to whom, of course, every one +looked for direction and advice in their trouble, was of no earthly use +whatever without his scout, upon whom he had so accustomed himself to +rely, that he was perfectly helpless without him. His respectability, +exert it as much as he would, made no difference of any kind upon the +situation, except, perhaps, to place the poor man in everybody's way. + +[Illustration: DANGLING BY HIS LEGS] + +Bill returned to the King who, with the whole camp, was now wide awake, +and wondering what on earth was taking place in the town. Bill at once +hastened to explain the state of things, in the hope that the old man +would at last give up all idea of the liquorice; but in this he was +much mistaken, for, instead of replying to Bill, the grumpy old provoker +turned sulky and would not say a word, so that there was nothing for the +poor lad to do but to wait with what patience he could assume. + +The day declined, with no lessening of the terrific din within the town, +and the gates remained obstinately closed. As evening approached, little +clouds of smoke, with now and again a spurt of flame, could be seen +rising from the other side of the walls. Presently a single Killgrueller +was observed upon the walls, from which he nimbly leapt to the ground on +the outer side, and made off round the base of the mountains, in an +opposite direction to the camp. Now another appeared and disappeared in +the same way; then another and another, and yet another, and then +families of two, three, and four. At last whole crowds came scrambling +over the walls, and vanished in the same direction, all carrying as many +of their belongings as they could conveniently bring along with them. + +This went on until all the inhabitants, with the exception of the Mayor, +had left the now blazing town, when he was seen standing alone upon the +walls. Like the captain of a sinking ship, the noble fellow had waited +until all had found safety before he sought it for himself. Bill +hastened to assist him in his descent, and no sooner had the poor man +reached the ground than Bill led him gently before the King and all the +officers of the little army, who were assembled together watching +the flames, and besought him to give them some explanation of these +truly unaccountable proceedings of the Killgruellers. + +[Illustration: The Respectable Gentleman] + +'Alas! and alack-a-day!' sighed the unfortunate gentleman, 'allow me +first of all to put four questions to you. Firstly, What is the good of +a locked lock without a key?' + +They were all forced to admit that it was of no use whatever. + +'Secondly, What is the good of a gate with a useless lock that won't +unlock?' + +No earthly use, all again admitted. + +'Thirdly, What is the use of a town if you can't get into it?' + +Of course, they all agreed there was only one answer to that. + +'And now, fourthly and lastly,' said the Mayor, 'What do you do with all +useless things?' + +'Destroy them,' Bill promptly rejoined. + +'Exactly,' said the Right Honourable Hesketh, 'and that is what we have +done with our now useless town, and all the inhabitants are hastening to +build another town on the further side of the mountain, the gates of +which shall always be nailed open in order that such a dreadful calamity +may not occur again.' + +Bill somehow could not help thinking that there might have been another +way out of the difficulty, but he did not like to say so. The old King +at last realised that the Killgruel liquorice was not for him, so he +offered no serious objections when Bill, early next morning, gave the +necessary orders to pack up and prepare for the march, which they now +resumed. The respectable gentleman preferred to remain with them rather +than again face the unfortunate Killgruellers. + +They had not advanced very far upon their road, when Bill, who generally +walked a little in advance of his troop, heard a strange clanking noise +that appeared to proceed from a tall tree at the wayside. Wondering what +odd bird possessed such an unmusical song, he allowed his gaze to wander +thoughtfully among the leaves when, suddenly, what should he behold but +the form of the vanished scout, dangling by his legs from a branch, and +every time the tree was gently stirred by the breeze, there came forth +upon the air this weird sound. + +Bill hastened to cut him down, but, to his unspeakable surprise, the +unhappy young stripling cried, 'Don't, don't! the keys! the keys!' He +then explained that when bidding farewell to them the other morning from +the walls of Killgruel, in his excitement he had suddenly fallen back +and swallowed the keys which, at the time, he had been holding between +his teeth. Bill now recalled the strange cry that the poor lad had +uttered as they left Killgruel on that occasion. However, in spite of +his reluctance to be right side up again until he had recovered the +keys, Bill insisted on fetching him down, and, in the severe struggle +that ensued, the keys fell out of the boy's throat. + +When at length the army came upon the scene, nothing could exceed the +joy of the respectable Mayor at beholding his good attendant, whom he +had despaired of ever seeing again. He easily persuaded the willing +young creature to remain with him, and share the fortunes of the King of +Troy, and thus, with this very welcome addition to their forces, the +gallant band marched on. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN + + +Some weeks after leaving Killgruel, the noble little band entered a +great forest, in the middle of which they overtook a stately char-woman; +and no sooner did the Doctor behold her than he left the ranks, and +going up to her, shook her kindly by the hand. He then introduced her to +the King as the Sicilian Char-woman, and very chatty and pleasant she +proved to be, and as she was travelling in the same direction, she +graciously entertained them with the story of her life:-- + +'You may indeed find it more than difficult to believe me when I aver +that I am the daughter of an Arabian Prince, and that in my early years +I was considered not merely the most intelligent, but also the most +beautiful and fascinating creature in my father's dominion. As +companions in my early childhood I had sixteen elder sisters, all of +whom were blessed with singularly affectionate natures, and were +generally declared to be only less beautiful and intelligent than +myself. No care or expense was spared in our education and in fitting us +for the truly exalted position it was hoped that we should occupy, as +the daughters of a distinguished Arabian Prince. With this good end in +view, the services were secured of the best of music-masters, +dancing-masters, and instructors in the many graceful accomplishments +that were becoming to our rank; yet, alas! with all that one could +reasonably ask for, with every whim and wish gratified almost before it +was expressed, with the most indulgent of parents, whose sole joy was to +fill our lives with happiness, a settled melancholy by degrees possessed +my soul and rendered me unfit to share the youthful pleasures of my +sisters. It was not that I was in any way unmindful of all the kindness +shown to me in countless ways, but that a craving, always with me since +my earliest days, to see the wonderful world I had so often heard +described in glowing terms, grew with me as time went by, and, weary of +the idle life I led, I longed to use and develop in wider fields the +great intelligence I had been gifted with. + +'At first, as was to be expected, my parents would not hear of my +leaving them, but seeing that I grew sadder and more discontented day by +day, they at length reluctantly gave their consent, for, after all, what +greater wish had they than for my happiness. + +'After many consultations with the wisest men in my father's court, it +was decided that I should take a course of instruction at the Royal +Charing College of Sicily, and, on the fateful day, I took leave of my +sorrowing parents and sisters, and, in charge of the Grand Vizier, left +for Sicily. + +'With such good introductions as my father was easily able to command, I +had no difficulty in gaining an entry to the College, in which I very +soon learnt to distinguish myself. No lack of enthusiasm and industry +did I bring to my tasks, and a native ability far above the average soon +found opportunities for development, so that in the course of time I was +discharged, a fully certified and perfected char-woman. + +'Since those early days my skill, my virtues, and my affections have +been devoted to the welfare of many families, some of whom were +undoubtedly good, some indifferent, while some again were undoubtedly +bad. But without any question the worst household of all was that of the +Pettigrew Leanmuffins, when first I devoted myself to the wellbeing of +its members. Afterwards, however, as you shall hear, their trials, +together with my disinterested conduct, wrought a reformation in their +natures as astounding as it was welcome to all who knew them. + +'Mr. Pettigrew Leanmuffins himself, a man of some attainments, though +ill-tempered and close to a degree bordering on meanness, had little +enough to do with me, hardly ever, indeed, disguising his efforts to +ignore my very existence; but no words at my command could describe the +ungenerous nature of Mrs. Leanmuffins, who not only refused to concede +any little favours to me, such as gracefully offering to entertain my +worthy friend the waiter and his respectable family, but even denied, +with much asperity, my right to enjoy an afternoon nap on the +drawing-room lounge. + +'Of no value, in her prejudiced eyes, were the hardly-earned diplomas +that had been awarded me during my five years' course at the College, +and though richly illuminated with gold, amethysts and pearls, and +framed in gorgeously brocaded velvet, she would not hear of my +certificates for charing being displayed on the walls of the music-room +beside her daughters' certificates for musical proficiency. With such +poor examples as their parents constantly before them, it is not to be +wondered at that the three daughters, Grillette, Pandalaura, and Blen +should discover to one, who would have been their good friend, natures +so mean that there seemed little promise of their ever possessing more +generous dispositions. Rather, the wonder is that they were not really +worse than they were, and beyond the chance of any reformation. + +[Illustration: I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER] + +'Each valued her own paltry and merely ornamental accomplishments at a +far higher rate than my own well proved and certified skill in the +serious art of charing, and in their own rude way they never missed an +opportunity of reminding me of their fancied superiority. + +'During these early years of trial no other consolation had I than the +society of the youngest of the Leanmuffin brood--Basil Herbert, one who +as yet had not developed the mean disposition of his parents and +sisters. For hours together, when the other Leanmuffins were away at +some jaunt or frolic mayhap, would I, perhaps smarting under some recent +indignity, pour forth my troubles into his not unwilling ears. Though +but two years of age at the most, he seemed to understand, and I felt +that in his own quiet way he gave me his sympathy. I therefore resolved +in my young heart that he, at least, should not be spoilt, and to save +him from falling to the depths of the other Leanmuffins was now my one +hope in life. + +[Illustration: HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME] + +'How often would I, in dumb show, act kind deeds before him in little +scenes and plays that I had composed for the purpose, using the kitchen +utensils to personify my various characters, thus accustoming his +growing mind to kind thoughts, until in time he gave promise of becoming +as virtuous as he was handsome. + +'He endeared himself to all by his amiable ways, though none suspected +to whose loving and untiring care they were due, and friends, nay, even +strangers from distant lands travelled to see him, and marvelled at his +decorous and kindly behaviour, which charmed as well as astonished all +beholders. + +'His virtues, however, strong as they were, did not render him immune to +the weaknesses to which young children are liable, and in his fifth year +he developed a chilblain of the most painful description. Every remedy +was tried, dried turnip seed, applications of roasted capers, poultices +of wild figs and nard, fomentations of honey and turbot's roe, and many +other recipes for the curing of chilblains, recommended by anxious +friends. Nevertheless the blain grew chillier and chillier until at last +they were compelled to send for a physician. + +'The physician, after spending a whole afternoon examining the foot, +eventually took the most serious view of the case imaginable, and +hastily wrote out the following prescription, promising to call again in +a few days:-- + +[Illustration: Basil Herbert develops a chilblain] + + 1 Pint New Gruel. + 1 gr. Tincture of Green Acorns. + 1/2 gr. Hypo. + 1/16 gr. Castor Sugar. + 3 Clove Kernels. + 1/2 lb. Coffee Essence. + 3/4 lb. Sugar of Zinc. + 2 gr. Bisulphite of Lead. + 1 Pint Spirits of Sulphur. + 5 gr. Bicarbonate of Saltpetre. + 1 oz. Table Salt. + +'Three drops to be mixed in a quart of lukewarm water and gently rubbed +into the roots of the blain every five minutes, day and night, until its +disappearance, which, if all went well, should take place in about six +months' time. + +'I was sent out at once, without a "please" or "will you kindly" of +course, to the nearest chemist to have the prescription made up. But, +alas! he was unable to do it, as he had only three of the necessary +ingredients in stock,--the bicarbonate of saltpetre, the table salt, and +the hypo. I now went in turn to every chemist in the town, only to find +that not one of them could supply me with _all_ the necessary +ingredients. One perhaps had the tincture of green acorns and the hypo, +while another had all but the coffee essence and the clove kernels. Some +again only had the spirits of sulphur and the sugar of zinc, and so on. +Now, in my despair, I resolved to buy each separate ingredient at a +different store and mix the prescription myself, but, alas! I was no +nearer obtaining it, as no one could supply me with the clove kernels. +Determined to succeed, I visited in succession every town in Sicily, but +not a single clove kernel could I find from one end of the island to the +other. + +'As I stood on the sea-shore at the edge of the island wondering what +next I should do to complete the prescription, my thoughts flew across +the sea to my home in Arabia, and I decided to return there at once in +the hope of learning from my parents where I should be most likely to +find the kernels. + +'With the other ingredients securely sewn into the lining of my skirt, I +embarked for Arabia, and in due course arrived at my father's palace. + +'When my good parents recognised me, which they did only after some +minutes of close scrutiny, for it was at least twenty-five years since I +had left home, they extended to me the kindliest welcome, and by their +affectionate conduct dispelled any restraint I might have felt after so +long an absence. In the meanwhile each of my sixteen sisters had married +a Sultan or Prince at the very least, and they were now reigning in +truly regal splendour in different parts of the world, and my parents, +being alone in their old age, begged of me to come and live with them +and gladden their declining years. This, however, I soon convinced them +I could not do, and besought their help and advice in my quest. The +Prince, my father, manifested the greatest desire to assist me, and took +a fatherly interest in my fortunes. He caused the palace to be ransacked +from top to bottom, but with no success,--there was not a single clove +kernel to be found in the place. + +[Illustration: THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN] + +'After an affectionate parting with my father and mother, I visited +every one of my married sisters in turn, each of whom introduced me to +her husband and friends with considerable pride, for you must know that +already my fame as a char-woman of great ability had reached even to the +most distant parts. One and all were equally felicitous in their +expressions of delight at seeing me, and equally pressing in their +invitations to me to take up my abode with them. Yet none were able to +help me in the quest I had so much at heart. + +'At last I returned to Sicily without the clove kernels, and, too +ashamed to appear before the Leanmuffins without the completed +prescription, I wandered about the island in despair, resting at night +in the caves of the mountains, satisfying the cravings of my hunger on +the hard dry leaves of the cactus. + +'I now bethought me of my good friend the waiter and the willingness he +had consistently evinced to help me when in trouble, and once more I +embarked, this time for the shores of Lombardy, at which place I knew he +had a comfortable situation. With very little difficulty I found the +refreshment establishment at which he worked, and, as I anticipated, he +was extremely pleased to meet me again, and manifested the liveliest joy +at the prospect of being of some help to me. Together we studied the +menu of the day very thoroughly, but could find no mention whatever of +clove kernels, and then, idly looking through some menus of recent date, +handsomely bound together for future reference, we discovered that clove +kernels had been served as recently as the day before. It would be +useless to attempt to describe the despair that took possession of me +when I discovered that I had only missed them by one day. The waiter +excitedly rushed down to the kitchen to see if any had been left over, +but, alas! there was not a single clove kernel to be found in the larder +or anywhere else. On leaving the refreshment rooms I shed the bitterest +tears that had ever fallen from my usually joyful eyes, and on the rocks +by the sea gave way to a mood of the greatest despondency. + +'More ashamed than ever to return to the Leanmuffins, I made several +inquiries for any one requiring the services of an amicable, virtuous, +and, at the same time, experienced char-woman, determined to find work +in Lombardy if any were to be had. + +'Not receiving satisfactory replies to my inquiries, my good waiter, +true to his kind nature, introduced me to one of his most regular +customers, the Marquis of Lombardy, who had been looking out for some +years for a capable char-woman to superintend the management of his +domestic affairs. Meeting with the approval of the Marquis, I thus +secured a comfortable home, and resolved to forget that I had ever lived +in Sicily. + +'Now it happened that the Marquis, being a regular diner at the +restaurant, had partaken of clove kernels on the last occasion they were +served, and three or four must have fallen from his spoon into his +waistcoat pocket at the time, for I overheard his valet repeat to the +housemaid that he had found them therein when brushing his master's +clothes, and that he had presented them to one of the boatmen's +children. Learning the name of the child, not a moment did I lose in +hunting for him high and low, and eventually discovered him playing idly +on the sands with what, I was convinced, were the kernels I so much +coveted. At last, thought I, they are within my reach, and running +joyfully up to the light-hearted lad discovered, alas! that he was only +playing with brass buttons. + +'After the first shock of my new disappointment had passed away, I +questioned the lad as to how he had disposed of the clove kernels, and +he told me that his father, who considered them excellent bait, had +taken them from him and given him three brass buttons in exchange. + +'On asking him where his father was at the present moment, he pointed +with his sunburnt hand to the horizon, and looking in the direction +indicated, I perceived a little fishing-smack, miles away. Without the +loss of a single second, I hired a boat, and, with a boatman to assist, +rowed in pursuit, and after a chase of three or four hours drew up, in +an exhausted condition, alongside the smack. I now in piteous tones +begged the clove kernels of the weather-beaten mariner, but he only +laughed loudly and bitterly in reply, and, on my inquiring the reason of +his cruel mirth, told me in faltering accents that he had only just +hauled in his lines to discover that the fish had gone off with the bait +and hook as well. Thus doomed to disappointment, I spent the rest of the +day in a state of mind bordering on madness. + +[Illustration: THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED] + +'It was a little time after this that, one evening, I was sitting over +the kitchen fire. The cook had just served up an excellent dish of fish, +and my mind was still turning to Sicily in spite of my endeavours to +forget that there was such a place, and wondering if ever I should see +Basil Herbert again. Suddenly there was a most terrible disturbance +overhead in the dining-room, a noise as of plates being thrown from one +end of the room to the other, and presently wild shrieks and groans of +pain. I ran lightly upstairs, always ready to be of use in emergencies +of any kind, and opened the dining-room door just in time to see the +Marquis raving most pitifully. It transpired that the very identical +fish that had swallowed the hook and the clove kernels had been caught +and served up to the Marquis's table, and he, poor man, had just +swallowed the hook. Taking in the situation at a glance, I soon saw the +probability that the three clove kernels, or one or two of them, were in +the body of the fish, and walking boldly into the room I grasped the +fish by the tail, and took to my heels. + +[Illustration: DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL] + +'For miles I ran, out of the town and into the country without stopping, +until, quite exhausted and out of breath, I sat down beneath a rock to +rest. I now examined the fish which I still held in my hand, and found +only two of the kernels in its body, the Marquis having probably +swallowed the third. + +'However, although not the complete number required by the prescription, +they were better than no clove kernels at all, so after resting awhile I +resolved to return once more to Sicily. + +'After some vicissitudes I arrived at last at the home of the +Leanmuffins to find them all in despair. Basil Herbert's condition had +not improved, and the physician had ceased his visits and gone in search +of me. I soon mixed the stuff, which brought some little relief to the +unhappy young patient--but not enough, as the lotion was not +sufficiently strong without the third clove kernel. + +'We persevered, however, and the improvement was just maintained. At +last one evening when all the members of the family were gathered round +the sufferer's bed endeavouring to distract him by every manner of +entertainment conceivable and by cheerful songs, glees, and the telling +of interesting stories, there came a low knock at the door and somebody +inquiring for me. Who should it be but my faithful friend the waiter, +who, on sweeping the floor of the Lombardic refreshment room, had +discovered a little clove kernel in the corner, and, mad with delight at +being able to assist me, had hastened from Lombardy to bring me the +treasure. Small though it was, it was enough to give the requisite +strength to the lotion, and in due course the young patient completely +recovered. + +'After their severe trials the Leanmuffins were completely transformed; +from being ignoble, mean, and unkind, they became generous in the +extreme. Their joy knew no bounds, and henceforth they made me quite one +of their family, and my friend the waiter and his good people were asked +to dine with us every Sunday that they were in Sicily. + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE INTERVAL] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +'THE INTERVAL' + + +When the Sicilian Char-woman had finished the narration of her truly +wonderful experiences, and while the army were yet applauding her, the +King stepped down from his chair, and taking the good woman by the hand, +explained to her the object of their great expedition. 'And now,' said +the astute old monarch in conclusion, 'powerful as we undoubtedly are, +and as you can see for yourself that we are, we have yet one weakness, +and that weakness is, that we cannot boast of a single char-woman of any +description within our ranks. It has occurred to us, in listening to +your story, that if you are able, as I have no doubt you will be, to +obtain a good character from your last place, that we shall be delighted +to engage you as an assistant to the amiable Boadicea in her attendance +upon my person.' + +'Fiddlesticks,' snapped the abrupt woman, 'look after your person +indeed! Look after it yourself,' and the strange creature walked off. +Unwilling to lose such a treasure, the King called after her, and +explained that if he had offended her it was quite unintentionally, and +offered her any post she would like to fill, of course providing that it +had not already been filled, in his army. + +'Now you are talking reasonably,' replied the quickly mollified +creature. 'Well, as you are so very kind, I don't mind being the +flag-bearer.' + +'But I am really afraid we have no flag,' objected the King. + +'Oh, we'll soon settle that little difficulty,' replied the woman. And +she at once removed her apron and snatching from the astonished Scout +the staff he usually carried with him, she tied the apron thereto by its +two strings and waved it proudly in the air three or four times, at each +time jumping as high as she could. + +Every one cheered in their delight at the readiness of the good woman, +and congratulated each other cordially on this interesting addition to +their forces. + +The King now stood up in his chair, and after quieting the general +excitement by ringing his bell, he thus addressed his troops:-- + +'My dear old boys and girls, although, no doubt, I appear to you a very +fine man indeed, with a good appetite and fairly well covered for my +time of life, I am not quite the man I should be. You must know that in +my early babyhood I was a victim to the wicked carelessness of the royal +cook. One morning this thoughtless creature left an unboiled parsnip on +the garden path (had it been boiled and soft, my fate had been different +perhaps) while chatting with a friend at the tradesmen's entrance. As +ill luck would have it, I was at the time playing on the palace roof, to +which I had climbed through the nursery chimney, and, childlike, was +gazing curiously at a strange bird flying overhead, when I overbalanced +and fell from the roof right on to the parsnip on the garden path, +which, as you will guess, hurt me very severely indeed.' + +The King here exhibited to his audience a dent on his head in the form +of a parsnip. + +'On hearing of this my father, of course, was highly indignant, and +ordered the cook to be beheaded instantly, or, at all events, as soon as +she had finished cooking the dinner. + +'The dinner, however, was so excellent that my father, in his enjoyment +of it, forgot all about my mishap, and the cook went unpunished. +Nevertheless the shock to my system was so great that, feeling it even +to this day, as I have said, I am not the man I should be. A trifle +irritable now and again; or more sulky and disagreeable than I care to +admit; or at times even harsh, morose, surly, snappish, rattish, and +short-tempered, all little failings you have no doubt noticed, and which +now, knowing my early misfortune, you will more readily excuse. + +[Illustration: I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP] + +'Well,' continued the King, 'you will at least understand that a little +rest is good for me now and again, so that, as we have already travelled +half the distance to my kingdom, I intend to give you all a whole +holiday to-morrow, and on the day following, which happens to be my +birthday, I will celebrate the great occasion with a grand review, after +which we shall once more resume our long journey.' + +This welcome announcement was received with the greatest enthusiasm by +the brave fellows, and loud cheers echoed again and again through the +forest, and a great feast was at once prepared. + +[Illustration: THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED] + +[Illustration: ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY] + +Seated in a circle on the grass beneath the trees, the good souls +enjoyed to the full the simple fare before them, and then, after once +more cheering the old monarch, retired to their tents to sleep, and to +dream of the morrow in store for them. + +Next morning, with the exception of the old King, who intended to rest +and remain in bed all day, every one was up betimes. After a hearty +meal, Bill explained to them all the dangers of the great forest, and +the necessity of returning to camp at dusk. Then, taking care not to +disturb the King, they all left the camp, different parties taking +different directions, seeking amusement wherever they could find it. + +Bill took care of his charges, who had the greatest sport in the +world,--tree-climbing, nutting, chasing butterflies, fishing in the +pools, playing at Wild Indians, Hunt-the-Stag, Robbers and Thieves, Poor +Jenny is a-weeping, Red Rover, and every really sensible game that there +is to play, while Boadicea spent the time very happily in making +beautiful bunches of wild flowers. + +Chad, however, was a bit of a nuisance, crying all the morning because +he was not allowed to eat toadstools; so to keep him out of mischief, +Bill tied him to the highest branch of a very tall tree, and there left +him to have his cry out. + +The Long Man took Ptolemy Jenkinson in hand, and taught him how to +bird-nest, at the same time adding to his own valuable collection of +eggs. The Ancient Mariner made a swing for the Absent-minded Indian, and +wondered, while he was swinging him to and fro, whether he enjoyed it or +not, for the thoughtful creature's face still gave no sign at all of +what was taking place in his mind, supposing he had one. The Doctor +spent the day upside down, with his feet supported against the trunk of +a tree and his nose on the ground, while he studied the habits of the +stag-beetle. The Boy Scout practised scouting by continually losing his +patron and then finding him again, while the Respectable Gentleman +himself kept his respectability in hand by behaving most politely to all +the trees of the forest,--raising his hat to the silver-birches, leaving +his card on the ash-trees, introducing a hornbeam to a blackthorn, +apologising to the thistles for treading on their lower leaves, +and, in fact, behaving like the perfect gentleman he was, and having a +really enjoyable day. + +[Illustration: And left him to have his cry out] + +The Triplets played hide-and-seek, and the Sicilian Char-woman set to +and dusted and scrubbed down a good number of the forest trees, and +spent the rest of the day in endeavouring to clear up the last year's +leaves that everywhere littered the grass. + +It was quite late in the evening when all returned to camp, quite tired +out, and after supper each crept quietly to bed without awakening the +King, and soon the whole camp was fast asleep. + +[Illustration: THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP] + +In the morning every one awoke in the best of spirits, and brimful of +the many things they had to tell of the happy time they had spent the +day before. The old monarch seemed much refreshed for his long rest, and +before sitting down to breakfast every one in turn went up to him and +shook the happy old boy by the hand, wishing him many happy returns, +after which they all sat down and enjoyed a substantial breakfast. +Before the repast was quite finished, and while the King was looking the +other way, Bill walked round the ring formed by the army as they sat +upon the grass, and collected birthday presents for the old monarch. +Every one was delighted to give something to His Majesty to show how +much they appreciated his greatness, and when the old chap received the +many gifts, all done up in one brown paper parcel, he was so overcome +that he could hardly stammer forth his thanks. And this is what he +found in the parcel when, with trembling hands, he had succeeded in +opening it:-- + + From Bill, A bone-handled, two-bladed + pocket-knife, a little rusted, + but with only one blade + missing. + From Noah, Some string. + From Ratchett, 8 brace buttons (very bright). + From the Twins {Quentin, Wooden top of peg-top. + {Hannibal, Iron peg of same. + From Randall, Ferrule of umbrella. + From Nero, More string. + From Biddulph, Dial of old watch (not cracked + very much). + From Knut, Glass marble (beautifully + coloured). + From Chad, 2 pear drops (old, but in good + condition). + From the other children + collectively, Twenty last year's horse + chestnuts on string (very + hard). + From the Ancient Mariner, Piece of wood skilfully cut + into the form of a pebble. + From the Absent-Minded + Indian, Nothing. + From the Triplets, 3 bunches of violets. + From the Respectable Gentleman, His visiting-card. + From the Boy Scout, One of the Killgruel town-keys + he had swallowed. + From the Sicilian Char-woman, Small piece of soap. + From the Long Man, Wren's egg. + From Boadicea, A hat full of ripe blackberries. + From the Doctor, Half of cough lozenge. + From Ptolemy Jenkinson, A last year's ticket for a box. + +Every one clamoured for a speech, but the old fellow was so affected by +all this unexpected kindness, that he would not trust himself to open +his mouth, so with tears of gratitude pouring from his eyes, he retired +to his chair. These interesting proceedings thus coming to an end, he +was wheeled into the forest by Boadicea until they came to the open +space where the review was to take place. + +Having dried his eyes and smartened himself up, with Boadicea standing +sedately at his side holding the presents, the King now solemnly awaited +the appearance of the troops. Soon there was a great noise in the +direction of the camp, and then they could be heard approaching. + +First came the nine brave sons of Crispin and Chloe, proudly marching +three by three, and as they passed the King each gallantly saluted him. +Now followed the stately Char-woman with the flag held aloft, and when +she came opposite His Majesty she jumped magnificently three times into +the air. She was followed by more of Bill's charges, and then, with +great dignity, Bill, the King's general, marched past the Royal Old Boy +and saluted him grandly. + +Another detachment of Bill's charges followed the general, then the +Ancient Mariner approached, and, after placing the Absent-minded Indian +on the ground, he, with much dignity, saluted the King by touching his +forelock, sailor fashion, and after a few steps of the hornpipe, once +more resumed his burden and moved on. The Ancient Mariner was followed +by the Long Man who winked knowingly at the King as he passed by. +Ptolemy Jenkinson came next, then the Doctor, who, not knowing quite +what was expected of him, proceeded to feel the King's pulse, but was +quickly hustled off by the Scout, who now approached. + +The Respectable Gentleman followed the Boy Scout, and raised his hat in +a very gentlemanly manner to the King as he passed him and politely +handed him one of his cards, upon which he had scribbled a few good +wishes to the old monarch. + +Now, one by one, the Triplets passed in front of the delighted King, +before whom each of the sweet creatures performed the most graceful +curtsy, and the procession then terminated with another detachment of +Bill's charges. + +The King was more than satisfied, and they all once more started on +their adventurous journey. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE REAL SOLDIER] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE REAL SOLDIER + + +After travelling some days, they came across a real soldier seated at +the side of the road, and Bill at once persuaded the King to invite so +valuable a man to join their expedition. The King therefore left his +chariot and approached him, and asked the noble-looking fellow if he +would care to make one of their party, and, if so, whether he had a good +character from his last general, and the old warrior replied:-- + +'Allow me, my good sirs, to recite to you one of my most noteworthy +achievements, one of which, peradventure, you may not have read in the +numerous books filled with accounts of my exploits. I shall thus remove +any trace of doubt that may linger in your minds as to my great courage +and astute generalship.' + +All expressing their eagerness to hear the story, the wordful old +warrior proceeded:-- + +'As near as I can remember, it was in the early fifties when, a mere +drummer-boy, with the bloom of early boyhood still gracing my brave +young cheek, I marched with the gallant 53rd or, as you may possibly +know them, the King's Own Royal Roebucks, to the relief of the Isle of +Wight. This island, at the time I mention, was blockaded by that +notorious filibuster, Reginald Bendbrisket, a rogue who, possessed of +the greatest audacity and cunning, had earned for himself an unenviable +reputation, from Margate to Samoa, by the terrible extent of his +depredations. + +'You will all doubtless remember how, disappointed in his endeavours to +usurp the throne of Pitcairn Island, he had impudently resolved to make +a sudden raid upon the Isle of Wight; and thus to feed his own +insatiable greed and, at the same time, appease the disappointed rage of +his desperate followers, he would have plunged the peaceful little +island into abject misery. What tempted him thereto none can guess with +any certainty, unless indeed it were the many false reports, spread +abroad by the unscrupulous, of the gold, silver, and diamonds to be +found there; of the extensive quarries, rich in the finest hearthstone; +and of the natural paraffin springs, that could provide the world with +the purest oil; and many other reports, alike false and discreditable to +their inventor and to those who repeated them to the credulous stranger. + +'Had the rogue been successful in his latest raid, his small band of +followers (mayhap increased to a powerful army by the hordes of +discontented periwinkle-gatherers, prawners, and lobster-potterers that +earn a scanty living on our shores) would, without doubt, have had at +their mercy the Isle of Sheppey and the numerous other Islets that +ornament our coasts. And then, from these a sudden and successful +descent on Ludgate Hill would have rendered him master of the whole of +London. Now I am going to tell you how the courage and forethought of a +simple drummer-boy frustrated all his schemes, and brought to his knees +one of the most unscrupulous enemies that has ever invaded our shores. + +'To come back to the beginning of my story, we had a comfortable journey +down, the tedium of which had been greatly relieved by delightful +conversation and intellectual chatting, each in his turn considerably +astounding the others by the amount of intelligence he displayed. These +pursuits were again varied by interesting recitations, and such +parlour-games as could be conveniently played in a railway carriage. We +arrived in the afternoon at a snug little hamlet on the coast opposite +the island, whence we embarked in a fleet of disused barges and +dredgers. We reached our destination, after a fairly calm voyage, +without having excited the curiosity of the invaders, only one of whose +vessels we passed, and all on board it were so engrossed with the +captain, who was violently sea-sick, that we passed unobserved. + +'We were 2,352 strong, including the gallant 53rd, of which I was a +member, a battery of artillery, a camel corps, two squadrons of the +smartest cavalry that ever chased a rabbit across the Hackney Marshes, +and a battalion of infantry, so well trained that there was not one of +the rank and file who could not play quite delightfully on the piano; +while the officers were unexcelled at conjuring tricks, with which they +used to amuse the soldiers seated round the camp-fires of an evening. We +were ably generalled by that best of all officers, Sir Francis Melville +Glowmutton, whose fame in after years very nearly earned for him the +honour of being mentioned in a popular Encyclopćdia. + +'We were met on the beach by a procession of the inhabitants, headed by +the president of the island, all of whom were delighted to see us, and +extended to us the most hospitable of welcomes. Without waiting for +formal introductions, they fraternised in the most friendly spirit with +the troops who, in turn, were charmed with their reception and, being +quite beyond themselves with gratification, adorned their conversation +with the most graceful compliments to the inhabitants and grateful +tributes to their kindness. + +'The blockade had lasted barely eight weeks, so that, as yet, the +inhabitants of the island were not aware of it, and when they learnt +from the soldiers the real state of affairs, they rejoiced beyond +measure, and redoubled their congratulations to the army and to each +other, and the president seized the very first opportunity publicly to +thank the general for his thoughtfulness in coming to relieve them. + +'For quite a long time the handshaking went on, and every one was so +amiably excited that the president, anxious that so much good feeling +should not be thrown away, invited every one to spend the evening with +him at his presidency on the Needles. + +'And such a bright and happy evening it was too! Every one in the best +of spirits, and entering blithely into all the games! "Oranges and +Lemons," "Nuts and May," and "Poor Jenny is a-weeping," had never, +within the memory of any one present, been played with greater zest, +and, what was more wonderful, never had the rather trying game of "Hunt +the Slipper" provoked less ill-temper since it was first introduced into +this country at the Norman Conquest. + +[Illustration: THE REAL SOLDIER] + +'The joy of the frolicsome ones was only equalled by that of the older +inhabitants and the elderly officers, who, seated on chairs placed for +them round the wails of the hall, fairly shook with laughter and +merriment, until the tears rolled down their handsome old cheeks. + +'At last, with flushed and happy faces, all sat down to a splendid cold +supper provided by the President, but it was some little time before the +feast could proceed, as every one was so well-behaved that there was +quite a turmoil of passing things to one another. At last, however, +every one was served, and the supper proceeded with the greatest mirth +on all sides. + +'After a while the president stood up to make a speech, and had only got +as far as, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it is not that we----" when, to +everybody's consternation, there was a loud knock at the door and, +without waiting to be asked, in stalked the notorious Reginald himself. + +'Having approached the table, he slowly withdrew his gaze from the +refreshments (to which it had wandered on his entry), and, drawing +himself to his greatest height, demanded of the president the instant +surrender of the island to him as his rightful property, averring that +it had been left to him by an aunt, whose favourite he had been. Then, +putting his hand to his bosom, he drew thence an old roll of parchment +which, indeed, proved to be the Will of one Martha Grub. This he handed +to the president, who read aloud therefrom the following clause, which +had been underlined:-- + + 'And I do bequeath unto my good sister's son, the shapely Reginald + Bendbrisket, inasmuch as he has shown some kindness unto my black + cat, now dead alas! twenty jars of the good plum preserve I did make + last fall as well as five yards of the good garden hose wherewith I + did heretowhile water my cabbages in the droughty seasons, the rest + to be cut up and divided equally amongst my other nephews and nieces + to be used by them as they may see fit whatsoever. + + 'At their demise the said pieces shall be delivered up to the said + Reginald, who will once more unite the fragments and pass the + completed hose on to his heirs for ever. + + 'For his goodness in undertaking thus to carry out my wishes I do + also bequeath unto the before-mentioned Reginald the Island of Wight + situate at the south coast of England. + +'On reading this the president turned very pale and every one trembled, +never having dreamt of the strength of the invader's position. But being +a bit of a lawyer, the president very soon rallied and replied to the +filibuster, in as courtly a manner as he could assume, that he was bound +to admit that his aunt Martha had, without doubt, left the island to +him, and that he would be the last man to dispute the fact--here the +rogue, vainly imagining that he was about to realise his greatest hopes, +could not conceal his satisfaction, and helped himself to a +sandwich--"But hold!" cried the president in a terrible voice, "I do +dispute that it was hers to leave." + +[Illustration: 'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT] + +[Illustration: Reginald completely lost his temper] + +'At this the irascible Reginald completely lost his temper and hurled +the sandwich with such fury to the ground that it broke one of the +gorgeous tiles that ornamented the floor. "Have you," said he, "the +audacity to doubt the word of my aunt Martha? Have you the face to stand +there and dispute the will of that excellent woman, written when dying +of a broken heart at the death of her black cat, and whose only solace +was the company of her dutiful nephew? Then your fate be upon your +own head." And he strode out of the hall gnashing and grinding his teeth +in the most terrible manner, only stopping to pick up the sandwich which +he had thrown down in his outburst of passion. + +[Illustration: 'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD'] + +'When the door had slammed to with terrific force behind him there was a +great silence in the hall, and we all looked at one another with scared +faces. Soon every one arose from the table, and silently left the +banqueting-hall to prepare for the fight which we now knew would come on +the morrow. + +'Try as I would, I could not sleep for thinking of the battle in store +for us. I counted more sheep than would have fed our army for six +months, but with no result. I then tried elephants, and after that +camels and zebras, and finally, hoping that their odd shapes might bring +me repose, I tried ant bears, but all in vain. At last, in despair, I +rose from my hard couch, donned my uniform, and snatching up a cracknel, +strode out of my tent. + +'Murmuring "Brittle Pantechnicons" (which, by the way, was our password) +to the sentry, I strolled idly down to the sea. It was a beautiful and +perfectly still night, with not a ripple to disturb the surface of the +sea, upon which, here and there, would glow a little shimmer of light as +the phosphorescent turbot rose to its prey. In the distance, and away to +the right, could be seen the camp-fires of the enemy, and the +reflections in the pools left by the tide. Ever and anon sounds of +merriment could be heard as the invaders, heedless of the morrow, spent +the night in revelry. To the left, and further back, could be seen the +tents of our forces, not a sound arising therefrom except the low +monotonous breathing of the soldiers (who were so well drilled that even +in their sleep they breathed in time), or maybe the "Who goes there?" of +the sentry would sound in the darkness, as he mistook a moth for a spy, +or the drone of the beach bee for the war-whoop of the enemy. + +'At the water's edge, dark against the starry sky, I found a solitary +bathing-machine, beneath which I crept, and here at length my weariness +quite overcame me and I slept. How long I remained thus I cannot tell, +but I was awakened by heavy footsteps on the floor of the machine over +my head. My curiosity was intense, but resisting the temptation to rush +out and satisfy it, I wisely resolved to remain in my present position +as long as possible. + +[Illustration: FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA] + +'Presently the mysterious tenant of the machine opened its seaward door +and stood revealed in the light of the moon, which had arisen during my +sleep, as the terrible Reginald Bendbrisket himself, clothed in a deep +black bathing-suit. I crouched down, not daring to move a muscle, and +was presently relieved to see him, after standing for some time on the +steps of the machine, amble carefully over the stones to the edge of the +sea, into which he plunged. + +'Now it was that an idea suddenly occurred to me, and I instantly crept +from my place of concealment, and stealing up to the landward door of +the machine nailed it fast with the hammer and nails I always carried +with me to mend my drum, which was not infrequently broken beneath my +enthusiastic blows. Having secured the front door, I now crept in at +the back and, doffing my own clothes, soon donned those of the +unconscious filibuster, who was still floundering about in the sea. +Having effected this change, I crept back to my former position under +the machine, and had barely made myself comfortable there when I saw the +rogue returning. + +'After scrambling painfully over the stony beach he mounted the steps +and entered the machine, and the slam of the door as it closed upon him +was the signal for me to rush out and secure this as I had already +secured the front door. Having done this, I waited no longer, but made +off with all possible speed in the direction of the enemy's camp, which +I had nearly reached, when I heard a most terrible banging from the +interior of the now distant bathing-machine. Losing no time, I entered +the camp, and, being easily mistaken for their captain, passed on +unchallenged. + +'Arriving in time at the centre of the camp, I found all the men +gathered together, having forsaken their revels, evidently in +expectation of the return of their leader. + +[Illustration: IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER] + +'Standing before the villainous crew, I assumed, as nearly as I could, +the mien and rough harsh voice of their filibustering captain, and +ordered them to embark at once and to leave the island, as it had been +reinforced during the night by such a mass of thundering artillery as +would be impossible to withstand, and that they were even now fast +approaching along the beach from the other end of the island where they +had landed. The men, on hearing this appeared quite incredulous and +their growls of disbelief grew louder and louder and threatened a +terrible mutiny. Having at length gained a hearing, I invited them all +to that part of the camp by which I had entered, to hear for themselves +the approach of the distant hosts. Leading them all, still grumbling and +growling, a little way beyond the camp, I commanded them all to be +absolutely quiet, and then, in the silence which ensued, could be heard +far away in the direction of the bathing-machine a most terrific and +continuous banging, together with the sound of muffled shouting. + +'The men were aghast, and in the moonlight their swarthy faces could be +seen to change to a ghastly white. Then, with an unearthly yell, they +all turned and fled in a wild panic to the boats. They tumbled over and +over each other in their anxiety to get away, and many got wet to the +skin in their endeavour to reach the boats. At last, to my great joy, I +saw the last of them pull off and reach the ships, which now put on all +sail and vanished away for ever. + +'I now returned to the bathing-machine, from which still came a terrible +din, though not quite so violent as it had been at first. + +'Taking hold of the rope that was fastened to it, I began to drag the +machine in the direction of our camp, the banging meanwhile gradually +subsiding, until at last only an occasional bang proclaimed the machine +to be inhabited. As before, I passed the sentry by murmuring "Brittle +Pantechnicons" and drew the machine up in front of the General's tent. + +'The General, having finished an early breakfast, was just setting out +to take a stroll before settling down to plan out the battle, and seeing +me, whom he at first took to be Reginald Bendbrisket, the good man +received quite a severe shock. However, I soon undeceived him, and after +relating my adventures I unfastened the door of the bathing-machine, +and disclosed therein the form of the filibuster on bended knees, +imploring our mercy. + +'Every one was delighted at such a speedy end to the campaign, for my +part in which I was duly honoured. Reginald Bendbrisket, after a mild +punishment, reformed and became a very respectable gentleman, the +president kindly using his influence to secure for him a lucrative +position in a well-known Insurance Office. + +'And thus, my good Sirs, it is, that the Isle of Wight still remains one +of our many valued possessions.' + +'The very man for me,' thought the King of Troy, when he had finished +his story, and before proceeding with their journey, he promoted the +martial creature to the high position of second General-in-chief of the +army. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WILD MAN] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE WILD MAN + + +One day the army were overtaken by a singularly wild-looking man who +proved, however, to be at the same time quite an amiable creature, and +expressed a great desire to seek some employment with the gallant +fellows. The King was pleased to enlist the nice and sociable person, +and was more than repaid for his confidence in him by his charming ways. +On one occasion, when the King was rather tired and worried, the Wild +Man, in order to distract the dear old fellow, told the following +story:-- + +'Good Sirs, though wild enough indeed, yet may I claim to be an unspoilt +child of nature, whose finest instincts have, unchecked, found their +true development. Thus, communing with nature from my cradle and living +on terms of the closest intimacy with her wildest creatures, I can +appreciate their humble wants, their hopes and fears, and have acquired +the truly marvellous power of conversing with these simple-minded +denizens of the wilderness. + +'My home was a rocky cave hard by the sea-shore, in which I lived in +simple happiness with my good wife, now dead, alas! this many a long +year ago, and our five brown children, who long since have grown to men +and gone out into the world to seek their fortunes. Harmless indeed were +our joys, and our trials we bore with that great fortitude which was not +the least of the blessings we derived from our simple mode of life. + +'To proceed with my tale, on one dismal evening late in autumn, I left +my cave, with the hungry cries of my children still in my ears,--for, +indeed, the poor things had had no sup or bite the whole day through. +Wondering what I could do that they might not go supperless to bed, I +strolled along the sands by the sea in the hope of finding some odd +limpet or whelk which, together with a few dried dandelion leaves, might +make a simple stew. Alas! no vestige of a single crustacean could I +find, so I sat me down upon the sands, determined not to return until +the children had fallen asleep on the dry ferns and grass heaped up for +them at the back of the cave, as their cries were more torment to me +than my own emptiness. + +'The sun had long ago set, and the autumnal twilight, reflected in the +pools of still water left by the far receded tide, was gradually fading +from the sky, when I fancied I could hear a low heart-rending moan from +off the desolate waste of sand before me. Again and again it sounded, +and at last realising that it might be uttered by some creature in +distress, I stood up and, as far as the fading light would permit, +scanned the sands in every direction. + +'Nothing, however, could I see, and as the moan still continued at +intervals and became, in fact, more and more painful and beseeching, I +wandered about, a prey to the liveliest anxiety, endeavouring to +discover whence it proceeded. + +'At length I perceived on the sand, at a little distance before me, a +small dark motionless object, and at that instant a harrowing sound, +arising therefrom on the evening air, left me in no doubt as to the +origin of the moans I had already heard. Creeping as quietly as possible +on my hands and knees quite close to it, I found it to be a lovely blue +point oyster, and bringing my head to a level with the shell, I asked +coaxingly, and in as soft a voice as I could command, what ailed it. + +[Illustration: Harmless indeed were our joys] + +'"Alas!" said the oyster, "a little while ago I possessed a child as +sweet as ever chortled to its gasping mother, but snatched from me +as it has been by the cruellest of whelks, it may even now lie helpless +in the grasp of the ravenous brute, as it ruthlessly sups off its +delicate limbs. No such grief have I had since that old native, my +worthy husband, was slain, and was laid in state, his hoary head +supported by a slice of lemon, beside a piece of brown bread-and-butter." + +[Illustration: I PLEADED MY CASE] + +'Deeply affected by her grief, I begged her to reveal the name of the +little one and to indicate the direction taken by the marauding whelk. +"Bertram is its name," said the widowed blue point, and I could hear +the tears falling within the shell as, with her beard, she pointed out +the path followed by the rogue. + +'I had not proceeded far in the direction indicated when I overtook a +whelk, whose face was quite distorted by a savage look, and whose growls +drowned the feeble cries of a tender blue pointlet whom he dragged along +by the beard. + +'"Now what is all this about?" said I to the sullen fellow. "Why should +you, who are maybe blessed with young of your own, rob a poor widowed +oyster of her only consolation since the death of her husband? A heart +of rock would have melted at the cries of your victim, but you, +ungenerous, can have no heart at all, and entirely drag the name of +whelk through the mud." I could distinctly hear the ruffian lashing his +tail within his shell as he replied: "It's all very well for you, old +boy, but all that kind of nonsense you're talking don't come in here. If +it were a question of saving your own life I'll bet you wouldn't give +much ear to the whimperings of a sentimental blue point. Know then, old +stick, that it isn't for the love of children that I am dragging this +little brat along, but he's just going to be the supper of an old crab, +who caught me this afternoon and only let me go on the condition that I +found him something a little more toothsome and tender than I am." + +'The cries of the infant were cruel to hear when it learnt the fate in +store for it, and filled my heart with pity for the frail youngster. +"Now come," said I to the whelk, "just wait a little while and consider, +would it not always be a sad thing for you to reflect upon that you had +been the cause of this frail young thing's death?" "Gammon!" answered +the leather-hearted whelk, and proceeded on its journey. "Stay yet +awhile," cried I, "and I will run and talk it over with the crab and see +if his hard shell may hide a kinder heart than yours." "Well, look +alive, old sentiments," replied the whelk; "it's a bit chilly waiting +about out of the water when the tide's low. You'll see the old rascal +over there by the sea." + +'I hastened with what speed I might in the direction pointed out by the +whelk, and presently came upon the old crab. Before I had time to greet +him he accosted me with "Well, old kneebones, what's the trouble?" "No +trouble of mine I do assure you," I replied as I seated myself by his +side, taking care at the same time to keep well out of reach of his two +pincer claws, that wobbled about wickedly in my direction; thus in some +trepidation I continued the conversation. "The trouble is that of an +innocent blue pointlet, now alas! in the toils of a perfect bully of a +whelk, a worthless rough who is thus victimising the innocent to save +himself from ending his paltry existence in your inside. Now my good +fellow, I am perfectly certain that you are not going to allow this, +indeed you are not the sort to sacrifice another's life to satisfy your +own greed. Let me press you, just for once, to go supperless to bed, and +thus assuage the anguish of a most affectionate mother." + +'Much to my mortification and surprise, my conciliatory speech was met +by roars of laughter from the flippant old crab. Peal upon peal +disturbed the still evening air, and when the last clash of the hideous +uproar had died away among the distant hills, the unfeeling brute, now +in a state of collapse from loss of breath, gasped out:--"What, me give +up the only chance of saving myself from that scoundrel of a lobster who +only let me go on my promising to secure him something for supper a +little less hard than myself! Well," continued the crab, "that's a good +'un, that is. My good chap you must be quite out of your senses. Why, +not only will I hand over the baby oyster to the lobster, but I intend +also to have my supper off that tough old idiot of a whelk, who reckons +he's going to get off scot-free, and old mother blue point, too, if I +can find her," and then, as an afterthought, "and you, old marrow-bones, +wouldn't make half a bad tit-bit if I could get hold of you," and he +made a horrid dash at me as he spoke. However, I easily evaded him, and +from a safer distance argued the matter out with him in the following +way:-- + +'"Allow me, my dear crustacean, to put the matter to you in this light. +Now, first of all, clear your mind of all unnecessary bias. Suppose," +said I, "that you were to change places with the young oyster, suppose, +we'll say, that you had the near prospect of being devoured by the +greedy lobster. How would you feel, I say, if your neighbour not only +refused to exert himself in any way to extricate you from your +predicament, but also gloried in being the main cause of the disaster +that threatened you?" + +[Illustration: AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT] + +'The wily scoundrel merely replied, "Ask me another," and with his left +eye-stalk bent towards the ground, insolently winked at me with the +other. Despairing of penetrating his tough shell with kindly +suggestions, I temporised with him, and succeeded in persuading him to +desist from his evil intentions until I had talked it over with the +lobster. Out of sheer perversity the crab directed me wrongly, but in +good time, after some wandering here and there, I discovered the +lobster. + +'I pleaded my case to him as eloquently as I had already done to the +others,--nay, even more eloquently, being, no doubt, a little more used +to it by now, but yet with no apparent good result. The wary creature +pretended ignorance. "To which crab do you refer?" said he, in a +questioning tone; "I have so much business with crustaceans in one way +and another that you would be surprised to learn how confused I become +in my dealings with them." To the best of my ability I described the +appearance of the old crab, and aided my description with a slight +sketch on the sand made with the point of my umbrella. He gazed at this +with much interest and murmured to himself "considerable artistic +talent," and then aloud, "Oh yes, yes, I remember him quite well; +indeed, he was here only recently about a little matter of supper. Well, +well, I'm afraid I cannot be of any help to you here. You see, it's like +this. Earlier in the day, I came to a little arrangement (quite a little +business affair, by the way) with an old lady conger eel I have known +for many years, and it happened in this way. We were having a little +dispute as to who should sup off the other, and without going into +details, the upshot of it all was that the eel managed to tie herself in +a knot round my throat, and so, you see, was mistress of the situation. +I need not tell you that I did not lose my presence of mind--indeed, I +never do--and I politely asked her if she had ever tasted crab, and +effectually persuaded her that they were much better eating than +lobster, and undertook to procure her a beauty (thinking all the time, +of course, of our mutual friend), on the understanding that I should go +quite free. It's very sad and all that sort of thing, no doubt, about +the little oyster--sweet little chuck--indeed, I am more sorry than I +appear to be about it, but really what can one do?" And the lobster +shrugged his bristling shoulders. "Speaking to you," he continued, "as +one man of the world to another, business is business after all, you +know. And if we don't fulfil our obligations, where do we stand? Of +course, I don't say but what a little chat with the conger might make it +all right, and there's no harm in trying--she's a nice eel. I feel sure +you would like her, at least I felt I should, when I invited her to be +my supper--and if nothing comes of the meeting, well, we shall none of +us be any worse off than we are at the present moment. If at any other +time I can be of use to you, I do hope that you will not hesitate to +come round and ask. Good day." + +'I now left him to search for the conger, whom I found dozing in a pool +near the sea. I took her out and placed her gently on the sand, and she +gradually opened her eyes and fastened them on me. I once more expounded +the reasons why, in my opinion, this cruel arrangement should not be +persisted in. I quite astonished myself by my own eloquence, which grew +more impassioned as I proceeded, and noticed that the old conger seemed +deeply impressed. As I came to the most affecting parts of my argument +the expression in her eyes grew really tender, and at the mention of +the little blue point a tear gathered in each eye and slowly coursed +down her shiny form. At the conclusion of my appeal the conger drew in a +deep breath and replied:--"Well, I never! Now that is what I really do +call good and kind. Oh pray come and sit down beside me on the sand and +tell me all about it--now do, and tell me what first put it into your +head--it is so very nice to come across a little real sentiment in these +matter-of-fact times." Without waiting for me to proceed she rattled +on:--"Upon my word, you really must have the kindest heart in the +world--but are you quite sure you are comfy? Why not come round the +other side; you'll be out of the wind there, and we can talk it over +without anything to interfere with us. I quite agree with you in +everything you have said, and I must say that I know of nothing more +delightful than to find one's own thoughts expressed so much more +clearly than one could do it oneself. Do you know, I am quite delighted +to have met you, and hope that this is the commencement of one of those +lasting friendships...." + +[Illustration: WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK] + +'Thus she gabbled on, and thinking to myself, here, at last, is a +kind-hearted soul, I asked her to promise to take the baby oyster back +to its sorrowing mother, when she received it from the lobster. "What an +extremely kind thought," she replied; "I assure you there is nothing in +the whole world I would love to do so much as to take the little thing +back to its Ma." Glancing dreamily at the sky the old eel +continued:--"Dear little mite! I can see it even now, in my mind's eye, +as it skips to its mother; she, dear soul, the while shedding pearls of +delight,--a memory to carry to your grave. But I expect you must be +going now--no doubt you are as busy as the rest of us--are they all well +at home?--good-bye," and she prepared to return to the sea. "But, my +dear woman," I protested, "I have not yet received your promise to see +the little oyster home." "Now," said the eel, "pray don't spoil the +pleasant evening we have had--but never mind--don't look so +serious--come round some evening with the wife and children--don't say +you won't." "But, Madam," I answered, "I am waiting for your promise to +see the little one home." "My dear Sir," she replied at last, growing +rather red in the face, "I can give you nothing of the kind, and must +really refer you to the whale who captured me a little while ago, and +only released me because I promised to procure him a lobster, which I +persuaded him would be much more digestible and less bilious than I +should prove to be as a meal." + +'I now went in search of the whale, whom I discovered disporting himself +in the sea a very little way from the shore. Taking my shoes and +stockings off, I waded as near to him as I dared, and to conciliate him +right off I wore as benignant an expression as I could assume and thus +addressed him: "Of one thing I am convinced," said I, "and it is that +you are the last person in all the world who would willingly give pain +to anything,--least of all to a baby oyster." "Quite so, quite so," +snorted the whale, "and what is more I never have and, upon my soul, I +never _will_." "Bravo, good resolution," cried I, and then in moving +terms I explained the situation and urged him to take the blue pointlet +back to its mother on receiving it from the conger eel. "What is this +you say," roared the whale; "do you mean to tell me that in exchange for +her own fat self that villainous conger-eel now offers me a baby oyster +instead of the promised lobster? Is it for this gross insult that I +allowed her to resume her wretched existence? Well, I'm thundered!" and +the enraged monster leapt seventy feet into the air. "Where is she?" +roared he, and made off in the direction of the conger. + +'But the old girl was one too many for the whale this time, and having +heard his remarks on her conduct, off she darted after the lobster, +saying to herself that as the whole arrangement had fallen through, she +might just as well sup off the lobster,--besides, the claws would stew +up quite well for the children's dinner to-morrow. The lobster in his +turn, seeing the conger approach, at once understood that the affair was +all off and left his little cave by the back door as conger entered by +the front, and made for the place where he knew he would find the crab, +arguing to himself thus:--"At any rate, the crab will make an excellent +supper to which I have every right; for after all, as I have before +remarked, business is business, and he will certainly be unable to +fulfil his obligations." The saucy crab, however, saw him coming along +with his mouth wide open ready to gobble him up, and shouted tauntingly +to him:--"Keep your bristles on, old prawn" and ran off after the whelk. +"Nothing really matters," thought he, "and as I feel a bit peckish I may +as well eat up friend whelk and the blue pointlet 'll come in for a +light breakfast in the morning." The cowardly whelk, reading the crab's +evil intention in his eyes offered him the baby oyster. "Thanks, old +flint," said the crab, "I'll have you first and the youngster another +time," and he pounced on the whelk and ate him right up. But as he was +crawling off in great comfort the old lobster overtook him and in no +time polished him off. The lobster, now too contented to move quickly, +was slowly returning to the water when up came the conger-eel who, +without any delay, proceeded to strangle him and then to gobble him up. +After her feast, the old girl, in her turn, felt drowsy. "I think," said +she, "I now deserve a nap," and she lay down in a pool and went fast +asleep. Presently the whale came along, having been hunting for the +conger all over the place. As soon as he caught sight of her he roared +in his wrath, "Is this what you call keeping your bargain?" and with one +gulp he bolted her,--head, fins, tail and all. + +'Then, having accomplished his revenge, and at the same time satisfied +his appetite, his contentment was complete and he rolled over on his +side in the shallow water, and fell into a deep sleep. + +'Now, thought I, is this not providential? Is there not here not merely +the evening meal I left my cave to seek, but many meals for my good wife +and children,--enough in fact to ward off hunger throughout the winter +that is now fast approaching. Taking up a great rock I hurled it with +all my force at the head of the whale and killed it on the spot. I now +proceeded to cut up the great creature and carry it, piece by piece, to +my cave, and that very night, when it was all safely stowed, we cooked +one great steak for supper, waking the children in order that they might +share the meal, and the remainder my good wife preserved in brine. Thus +in comfort we lived the winter through. + +'The little oyster found its way back to its mother, and so grateful +were they both for my endeavours to help them, that they took up their +abode with us. Bertram grew to a fine chubby blue point. "Just like his +father," said the proud mother, and nothing reached our hearts so nearly +as his playful, charming ways.' + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MUSICIAN] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE MUSICIAN + + +Sometimes now the old King showed signs of weariness, and Bill bethought +him that a little music occasionally might soothe his nerves. So in the +very next town they came to he engaged the only musician in the place, +and very willing he was too to come along. + +He played very wonderful music on his old concertina, often assisted +with his voice, and one evening, after a very beautiful performance, the +talented creature related the following story to his enchanted +hearers:-- + +'Right glad have I been, good fellows all, to join you in this your +noble enterprise to right our stout old brother of Troy here, and in +good time I trust that my great deeds shall prove my sincerity. But, in +the meantime, as supper hour draws on apace, and the frizzling cutlets +do scent the evening air, a little story should not be amiss to distract +your anxious minds, and thus to check the impatience of your appetite. + +'Know then, my jovial birds, my cunning blades, that I am the eldest son +of that Prince of Polynesia who united the scattered kingdoms of this +unwieldy archipelago into one vast empire, over which he ruled with +even-handed justice and some common-sense until his death. Ah! lads, if +all had their rights I should at the present moment be seated on the +soft cushions of my father's throne, and maybe more able to be of help +to you than I am now; but you must take the will for the deed. + +'My word! what a plump and healthy child was I, and withal as jolly and +as hearty as the day was long. Moreover, was not I the pride of the +empire and the envy of all the other kings and princes who had ever seen +or heard of me? Alas! who could have foretold that I was thus early in +life destined to have a real good taste of the troubles of this weary +world, and, though surrounded by every care and attention and the object +of the greatest affection that ever bubbled in the human heart, shortly +to become the victim of the meanest spite. + +'But to proceed with the yarn--neither care nor expense was spared in my +upbringing, to which possibly more thought was devoted than even to the +education of our very well-educated and trustworthy friend, the buxom +Sicilian char-woman. At all events, the most certificated nurses +procurable were continually being engaged, but apparently only to be +dismissed again, for, almost perfect as most of them were, I can assure +you that, in the course of a very little time they were certain, of +course, to reveal (as was only natural) some slight weakness, and I ask +you, good comrades all, which of us is without 'em? This overcarefulness +on the part of my good parents was to be the cause of the disaster that +was soon entirely to change the trend of my life. + +'It came about in this way. One of the discharged nurses, indignant at +what, with some show of reason, she considered an injustice to herself +(she had been dismissed for curling my hair only a little to the right +instead of quite to the right), resolved to revenge herself on her late +master and mistress, in such a manner as should be most likely to leave +them wretched for the remainder of their lives. Knowing the +overextravagance of their affection for me, she cruelly determined to +strike them in this, their weakest spot. One dark night, after cleverly +evading the ever-wakeful guards, she crept into my father's palace. +Stealing up the main staircase without attracting observation, she +arrived at the now empty throne-room, which she stealthily traversed, +keeping all the while close to the wall. She then passed through the +little door at the left of the grand throne and found herself in the +billiard-room. She had not, however, taken two steps therein when a +fearful panic seized her, for what should she behold but the stout form +of my rare old dad the emperor leaning over the table, apparently in the +act of making a brilliant stroke. A few seconds' consideration, however, +served to convince the vengeful creature that he was fast asleep. +Gnashing her teeth at the old gentleman, she hurried across the room and +entered the library, in which my good mother was seated, reading. But so +absorbed was the good lady in her book that she took no notice whatever +of the agile intruder, as she entered by one door and swiftly left by +the other. She now successively passed through the state ball-room, the +music-room, the third best drawing-room, the second best ball-room, and +the state bed-room, and mounting the back stairs, came to the suite of +rooms occupied by the nurses, and eventually reached the nurses' +dining-hall, into which my nursery led, without having excited any one's +observation. + +'Opening my door very quietly, she peeped in. All was dark inside except +for the glimmer of a night-light which shone on the frilling of my +cradle and on the form of the nurse then in office, who had fallen +asleep over her supper of stewed apples. Creeping in quietly, the +evil-minded woman lifted my sleeping form from the cradle, so gently +that she did not awaken me, and, holding me closely to her, once more +successfully passed through all the apartments she had already +traversed, without arousing any suspicion, and at length found herself +again in the open air. + +'Without losing a moment, she now made off to the woods, and after +wandering in these for some time, she met an old witch with whom, no +doubt, she had an appointment. Seated on the grass, the two women +haggled and haggled, and at last the treacherous nurse sold me to the +witch for three cocoanuts, and then went on her way and out of my life +for ever. + +'Now it happened that the old witch lived in the hollow trunk of a tree +with her foster son, a tiny gnome named Orpheus, as quaint a little +object as ever I set eyes on, who played incessantly and most +beautifully on an old concertina, the very one, in fact, which I now +carry with me. The little fellow had been found some years before by the +old witch wandering near the ruins of an old temple in the very middle +of the wood. To whom he belonged, and whence he had come, no one +knew,--not even he himself, perhaps. However, the old girl adopted him, +and now nothing could exceed the motherly affection with which she +regarded this dry and shrivelled-up little chap,--unless, indeed, it was +the ardour with which the grateful gnome returned it. In fact, I learned +some time afterwards that the old witch had purchased me solely that I +might be a companion for this rum little person. + +[Illustration: SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS] + +'The old girl, weird as was her general appearance, did all she could to +make me comfortable,--in fact far more than an ordinary witch would have +dreamt of doing,--and in recognition of her well-intentioned attitude +towards myself, I encouraged the spark of friendliness I began to feel +for her. But for her darling son, as soon as I grew accustomed to his +quaint appearance, and realised his kindness of heart and friendly +disposition towards myself, I conceived a great affection. He would +climb to the topmost branches of our tree, to practise his exercises +every morning, in order that I should not be worried with melancholy +repetitions, and, when perfected in some melody, who shall describe the +unaffected joy with which he would come down and play it for my delight? +How often in the moonlight (I lying on the grass at his side) would he +play over and over again to me some melancholy air, while our +foster-mother, mayhap, would be sweeping the dead leaves from our abode, +and preparing it for our night's repose. + +[Illustration: HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES] + +'Not I alone was gratified and enchanted by his dulcet tones, for all +the creatures of the woodland drew near and listened as night gradually +covered the sky, and he played through his evening pieces. + +[Illustration: And played it for my delight] + +'Elephants hovered around in the shadows of the trees, and sighed great +slobbering sighs. Bullfinches, sparrows, eagles, flamingoes, wild geese, +peacocks, turkeys, cranes, pelicans, and every manner of bird, thronged +the branches of the trees, and, with their heads and beaks sunk almost +into their feathers, opened and closed their eyes in their +rapturous surprise. The lions and tigers sprawled about, wishing, in +pure shame at their habitual monstrous cruelties, that they had been +vegetarians from the very beginning: such power had the music of +Orpheus. Even the mad-headed monkeys and apes, sitting in rows amongst +the trees, thought, Good heavens! what fools they were! and, blushing at +their childish tricks, wondered if it yet were possible to reform and +take a serious view of life. The old snake, quite overcome and +enthralled by the delicious strains, opened wide his jaws, and allowed +the little missel-thrush to nestle therein, and, thus protected from the +night-air, to listen to the music in comfort. However, no lasting +reformation was ever effected in their untamed natures, for no sooner +had the music ceased than each scurried away, once again to resume his +depredations and savage ways. + +'It happened one evening that the gnome surpassed himself by his +rendering of some enchanting melodies, and every one was quite +enthralled and rendered almost helpless. The birds sank their heads and +beaks lower and lower into their feathers, as the music proceeded, until +they were no longer visible. The lions and tigers rolled on their backs +in the grass, in an agony of despair at their own unreformable lives: +the elephants turned quite white, and trembled so violently that they +could hardly support their own huge bulks and leant against one another +to prevent themselves coming down with a crash; such a great lump had +risen in the throat of the giraffe as quite distorted his otherwise +graceful neck; while the monkeys gibbered and blubbered tearfully to +themselves, and the old rascal of a snake slipped right off into a +trance. + +'At last the music ceased, and the little musician left me while he went +in to hang up his musical instrument in safety. Meanwhile, in spite of +the state to which they had been elevated, the absurd creatures had all +scurried off, as usual, with no other thought in their savage minds than +to get each his own supper at any cost. The old snake, however, did not +recover as quickly as the others, and when at length he awakened from +his trance, he could see that all the others had vanished, and that I +was lying on the grass, quite unprotected, the gnome not having, as yet, +returned to my side. "Ha, ha!" said he to himself, his savage nature +having returned in all its force, "what a slice of luck! By gum! I never +see such a beauty. Won't the youngsters be just delighted!" He rapidly +slithered in my direction and, quickly tying the end of his long form +securely round me, slithered away again, carrying me through the long +grass at a bewildering speed. + +'After travelling in this rough fashion for some time, we at length came +to a clearing in the heart of the wood, in which stood all that remained +of the ancient temple, and amongst its fallen columns and walls, +overgrown as they were with wild flowers and tall grasses, the old snake +had made his home, where he lived in comfort with his wife and a large +brood of pranksome snakelets. + +'We were greeted by the youngsters with every mark of joy and surprise. +"How good of you, Henry," cried the mother, "and what a really fine +specimen! Shall we have him to-night, or keep him for next Tuesday, my +birthday you know, dear?" After a little talk it was decided that I +should be held over until the next Tuesday, and in the meantime I was +placed in the larder, and given plenty of odd scraps to eat, no doubt to +keep me plump and in good condition. + +'Tuesday came round in due course and, in order to celebrate the day in +a manner suitable to the greatness of the occasion, the old snake +invited all his neighbours. When I was brought out of the larder, on a +large dish, roars of delight rose to the sky from the throats of the +assembled guests, all seated round on the fallen stones of the ruined +temple. + +'The old lion was there, smacking his lips in anticipation of a nice +cut, and the tiger's mouth was visibly watering at the prospect of such +a feast: while, as for the little snakelets, they kept up quite a +clamour in their impatience to get at me. The monkeys, of course, +contributed their share to the general uproar, though they seemed more +inclined to fasten their eyes on the filberts and almonds with which I +was garnished. The eagles took the whole thing very seriously and, +flapping their great wings, screeched to the sky in their eagerness to +begin; and all the other guests, the giraffes, the zebras, the hippos, +the storks, the flamingoes, the wild cats, the pelicans, the wild geese, +the peacocks, the turkeys, and every thinkable animal contributing to +the general noise, there was such an awful din that the snake could only +obtain silence by using the thin end of his long body as a flail on the +drum-like sides of the elephant. He then made a few remarks on the +importance of the occasion, and referred to his wife in quite a graceful +way, for a snake; and, continuing, asked one of the guests to volunteer +to carve. The stork, having a very convenient beak for the purpose, +stood up and offered his services, which were gratefully accepted. + +'I was now placed on the grass directly in front of the carver, who was +about to skewer me with his long and sharp beak, when there came to our +ears from far away amongst the trees that surrounded us on every side, +the sweet harmonies of that lovely song "The Pond where Herbert +Drownded," played with the greatest sympathy on the concertina. At once +the stork turned its head in the direction whence the sound proceeded, +and as it gradually drew nearer and nearer I became more and more +convinced that such music could only be produced by my friend and +foster-brother. + +'All the creatures in varying degrees were affected; the snake and his +wife coiled themselves on the grass and gasped in rapture; the stork and +all the birds closed their eyes, and their heads sank lower and lower +into their fluffy bodies, until like balls of feathers they rolled over +and lay trembling in the grass. + +[Illustration: SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES] + +'The lion and tiger were so overcome that they leant their old heads on +their paws and sobbed aloud, while the monkeys grew fidgety and quite +self-conscious at first, and then abandoned themselves to the melancholy +aroused by the music. + +'The gnome, whom I afterwards learnt had been wandering about the wood +playing mournful airs on his concertina ever since he had missed me, now +drew near, and finishing "The Pond where Herbert Drownded" proceeded +with "Poor Molly Dawson" and other tunes of an equally affecting +nature. On seeing that all were sufficiently bowled over, he struck up +with "Oh, Jack, he was a Bright Spark," and so lively and brisk was the +measure that up they all jumped and danced and danced with the greatest +spirit. + +'The strangest figure of all was cut by the old snake who pirouetted on +the end of his tail at the greatest speed, in which weird performance he +was soon joined by his wife. The eagle extended his wings and waltzed +with the elephant; the lion and tiger spun round, holding each other by +the paw, so quickly that it was almost impossible to see them; the old +turtle rolled over on the back of its shell and span like a teetotum, +with the silly monkeys linking hands and in one wide ring skipping +around it; in fact, all got up and jumped and lumped and sprawled about +in the most ridiculous fashion until they were quite out of breath. +Nevertheless, Orpheus would not let them rest, but marched off playing +the most exciting music, and all the infatuated creatures, quite +forgetful of their banquet, followed him through the wood. Strange +enough, in all conscience, was this, but how much stranger by far was it +when the very stones of the ruin leapt up, and rolling over and over, +also followed in this odd procession as it tramped and crashed through +the trees. + +'From where I was seated on the dish I could hear the sounds of the +music gradually fading away, as the musician led the noisy crew further +and further off; the crash of the falling branches and the crackle of +the breaking underwood died down in the distance and I knew that I was +saved. + +[Illustration: WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA] + +'The little gnome led the bewitched creatures such a dance through the +wood that one by one they fell down in a state of collapse, and when the +last was quite overcome, the faithful fellow returned to the temple and +carried me home. + +'Never again did they leave me alone for a single second until I was +able to take care of myself, and I spent the years of my boyhood in +great happiness with these two simple and kindly souls. Brother Orpheus +took no end of pains in teaching me to play the concertina and, eager +to learn, I soon became proficient. But, dear lads, clever as you know +me to be, never could I even approach the skill of my good and patient +master. + +'In the course of time the old witch had to die, and the grief of her +little foster son was so great at his loss that, try as I would, I could +not in any way lighten it. One day soon after I missed the little man, +and he never returned again. All that he left behind him for me to +remember him by was his old concertina. + +'I waited by the tree for many a long day, still thinking that he would +return, until I was compelled at last to abandon all hope of ever seeing +him again. I wandered out into the world with no other wealth than my +concertina, but how often since have I had to bless the memory of my +little friend who thus endowed me with the means of subsistence, and, at +the same time, with a protection against all manner of evil.' + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LOST GROCER] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE LOST GROCER + + +For many and many a weary mile the persevering little band had now +trudged on without meeting with any adventure worth relating, and every +one was longing for the end of their travels, when one lovely evening +they came across a good-natured-looking policeman, fast asleep on a +stile by the roadside. The tramp, tramp of the army awakened him, and +with a gentle smile he got off his perch and walked alongside the King. +Charmed with his easy manner, the King jokingly asked him of what he had +been dreaming that he smiled so pleasantly. 'Oh, of old times and old +friends,' the policeman replied, and then as he walked along he thus +related the strangest of experiences:-- + +'Many years ago it was my happy lot to be the principal policeman of +the pleasant little town of Troutpeg, situated, as you know, on the +banks of the river Peg, just where it flows into the estuary of the +Drip, that here broadens into that well-known land-locked harbour of the +same name, and thus finally finds its way to the sea. Nestling amongst +its stone-capped hills, the happy place seemed designed by a kind nature +as a retreat for all who were blithe and amiable, and such indeed it +proved to be, for no more kindly and genial souls than the Troutpegsters +could be found. Their simplicity was delightful, though perhaps such as +to incline them all the more readily to believe in the wild legends of +the country-side. Many were the strange stories told by the shepherds, +who tended their flocks on the hills at night, of wild rites, and +uncouth dances performed by ghostly beings, in the light of the moon, +amidst the ancient circles of Druid stones. Little else, however, was +there to disturb the peaceful thoughts of the Troutpegsters. + +'The prosperity of the township was so great, and the comfort of each of +its inhabitants so well assured that for many years no wickedness of any +kind had shown its head, and the life of a policeman in this happy and +secluded town was one long summer holiday. To be sure, a little skirmish +here and there amongst the lads might make it wise gently to exert my +authority, or a little quarrel amongst the girls call forth a slight +rebuke, but otherwise my life was one of unbroken peace. + +'My dearest friend was the tea-grocer, a man of sad and dreamy ways and +quite devoid of guile, who returned my affection with all the ardour of +a singularly loving nature. He shared his every joy with me, and when +his holidays came round no greater recreation could he find than in my +society. Walking by my side as I strolled along my beat, he would +confide to me his simple hopes and fears, and in his troubles seek my +readily extended sympathy. Such simplicity and inoffensive mien had he +as brought to him a rich harvest of respect and love, together with the +custom of his fellow-townsmen. + +'In time his little store became quite an evening resort for those older +townsmen who, no longer able to race about the green when work was done, +would perhaps look in to purchase half a pound of coffee or tea, or +sugar or salt for the good wife, and stay chatting with the amiable +grocer. Then maybe one would look in to buy an ounce of tobacco, or the +excellent snuff for which the grocer was far famed, and so on and so on +until the shop was full. Seated around on the tea-chests, coffee bins, +tobacco boxes and snuff tins, many a pleasant evening have we spent, +enlivened by good-natured arguments and discussions on every conceivable +subject. + +'One sultry summer's afternoon, as I was standing thinking in the +cobbled high-street, the quiet of the still warm day disturbed only by +the gentle breathing of the shopmen as they dozed amongst their wares, +or the distant bleating of the sheep as they browsed in and out the +rocks and Druid stones capping the surrounding hills, the comforting +remembrance came to me of many a refreshing cup of tea partaken with the +grocer in the snug little parlour behind his shop. With hardly a thought +of what I was about, I allowed my idle steps gently to stray towards the +homely store of my friend. Entering therein, and finding that he was +away from home, I sat me down upon the little chair, so thoughtfully +provided for weary customers, and with my head supported by the counter, +resumed my broken train of thought until, completely overcome by a sense +of drowsy comfort, I feel asleep. + +'I was suddenly awakened by the church clock striking eight, and found +that all the town was wrapped in slumber and that the grocer had not yet +returned. Wondering what on earth could keep him away so late, and +hoping that no harm had overtaken him, I stiffly arose from my seat, +stretched myself, and betook me to my home and bed. + +'On the following morning my first thought was for my friend, and on +learning that he had not returned during the night, I called in turn on +each of his neighbours,--the doctor, the vicar, the solicitor, the +postman, and the corn-chandler, and many another equally interested in +his movements. Not one, however, had seen him since the previous day, +and all showed the liveliest concern and anxiety at his mysterious +absence. + +'Night followed day, and day again followed night, with no sign of the +vanished grocer. Weeks now passed by, and grief took possession of the +little town at the loss of one who was missed at every turn. Hoping that +even yet he might return, we kept his shop still open for him, and the +little birds, encouraged by the silence, flew in and out and nested in +the scales and amongst the stores, glutting their fluffy little bodies +with the sugar-plums, the currants, the herbs and spices that everywhere +abounded. And even the swallows, so much entertainment did they find +therein, forgot, as the summer drew to its close, to fly away, +preferring much to sleep the winter through in comfort. + +'But alas! months, and years and years and years rolled by, and the +grocer never returned, and in time little enough thought was given to +one who had, at one time, been held in such esteem by all. But we, the +older Troutpegsters, still thought at times of our vanished friend, and +many were the theories we suggested to account for his disappearance. + +'One held that he had been beguiled by gypsies, another that he had been +stolen to be exhibited as a rare model of virtue in some distant clime, +while others believed that the fairies, envious of our happiness in +possessing such a friend, had taken him from our midst; but all agreed +that we should have guarded our treasure with greater care. + +'One never-to-be-forgotten evening the doctor, the solicitor, the +vicar, the corn-chandler, and myself (some of us already stricken in +years) were seated, as was now our evening custom, upon the rustic +bridge that carries the road across the river Peg. The fragrant smoke of +our long pipes rising to the evening sky, our conversation, as was now +so frequently the case, had drifted from politics, sport, fashions and +the latest police intelligence to lovingly-recalled memories of our +long-lost friend, and so sad did we become that lumps as large as egg +plums rose to our throats, and our eyes brimmed over with tears. + +[Illustration: AFFECTED BY HIS STORY] + +'Drying our eyes we now smoked on in silent contemplation of the past; +the night gradually drew down, and the first star appeared in the +cloudless sky when there came to us the sound of a distant footstep, +coming along the road towards the town, and presently a strange figure +hove in sight,--an old, old man, with long tangled grey hair and shaggy +beard, clothed in the most pitiable rags, torn, and held together with +straw and odd pieces of string. He passed slowly across the bridge, +leaning heavily on his staff, and limped with difficulty towards the +town, into which with one accord we followed him. + +[Illustration: PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT] + +'Down the cobbled high street he walked until he came to the shop of the +vanished grocer into which he turned without any hesitation. Wondering +what business could take him there, we all hastened to the door of the +shop, and there, with the utmost astonishment, beheld the stranger +remove his threadbare coat, and replace it with the grocer's moth-eaten +apron that had hung for so long from a peg on the door; then he +commenced dusting the shop and putting it straight. As I gazed, my +astonishment gave place to the most incredulous amazement when I +detected in the old man a fancied likeness to the departed grocer. At +last, after closer scrutiny, I was convinced that it was indeed no other +than my friend actually returned after all these years, and as he at the +same time more easily recognised me, we fell into each other's arms, and +who shall describe the extravagance of our joy? + +'In a little while, when we had calmed down, we all retired to the +little parlour behind the shop, and our good friend brewed us a cup of +tea as of old, and after a little gentle persuasion related to us the +following strange story of his disappearance:-- + +'"On that memorable summer afternoon, many years ago, as I was weighing +out the sugar into pound and half-pound packets (which, as you may +remember, was my rule at that time of day to prepare for the evening +trade), a strange old gentleman, clothed in the deepest black from cap +to slippers, yet withal possessed of the most snowy ringlets and beard, +entered my shop and begged of me some food for his family, assuring me +that they were all slowly dying of starvation. + +'"Affected by his story, I was making up for him a parcel containing +lentils, raisins, dates, figs, sugar, and other goods which I thought +might be acceptable, when, to my astonishment, the ungrateful old rascal +snatched up a large tin of the finest snuff, which you will remember I +used to sell in great quantities, and bolted with it out of the shop. + +'"Without a moment's hesitation I divested myself of my apron, and +donning my coat, followed him at the greatest speed. Away he ran down +the high street towards the bridge, which he very soon crossed, and now +along the river bends he sped, with me close at his heels. For miles we +ran, even as far as the source of the river Peg, which we doubled and +came tearing down the other side. I now perceived that, in spite of his +age, he ran almost quicker than I did. Presently into the river he +plunged, I following close, and then he retraced his steps towards its +source. Once more plump into the river we went, and as I scrambled up +the opposite bank I noticed to my dismay that, while I grew more tired +and out of breath as we ran, he became brisker and fresher. Discarding +his hat, cloak, and slippers, though still holding on to the snuff tin, +he now appeared in robes of dazzling white, which, with his hair and +long white beard, flowed behind him as he ran, and gradually increased +the distance between us. + +[Illustration: Followed him at the greatest speed] + +'"Soon I could perceive that he was making for the hill above the town +which, with no difficulty at all, he mounted long before I had reached +its foot, and when at last I struggled to the top the old rogue was +seated upon one of the Druid stones that here in one great circle crown +the hill, smiling, and hugging to himself the while the tin of snuff. On +seeing me again, he soon jumped down, and I dodged him in and out +of the stones for at least three hours by the church clock, and then +weary and utterly dejected I sat me down on a stone in the centre of the +ring and wept bitterly. Directly beneath me I could see, through my +tears, the lights of our little town shine out here and there from the +gathering darkness, while over the hills, away to my left, the edge of +the full red moon began to show. As higher and higher it climbed the +sky, one by one there leapt from the earth beneath each stone an aged +Druid all clothed in white, with long waving grey locks and beard, and +crowned with garlands of oak leaves, holly, laurels, and mistletoe. When +the circle of Druids was quite complete the old rascal who had lured me +from my shop, and who now appeared to be their chief, stepped towards +me, now far too bewildered and astounded to resist, and solemnly placed +upon my brow a wreath of wild violets. Then separately, each of the +Druids came forward with some offering which he placed before me, +afterwards returning to his place in the circle, so that presently there +grew upon the grass in front of me a great mound of vegetables, fruit, +flowers, haunches of venison, fowls, hares, rabbits, and young lambs. At +length, every Druid having made his offering, their chief handed round +the tin of snuff from which each old fellow took a large pinch, and +then, linking hands, they danced wildly round me. + +[Illustration: THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND] + +'"In utter silence, by the light of the moon, now high in the sky, these +solemn rites were performed, and still without a sound they whirled +quicker and quicker around me, their feet hardly seeming to touch the +ground, and their long loose garments streaming after them as they flew. + +'"Presently the distant chime of the church clock striking twelve +reached me from the town below and I gradually fell into a trance, as +one by one the old Druids sank into the earth beneath the stones. + +'"Every day since then until to-day have I passed in complete oblivion, +and every night have I awakened to find myself seated on the stone in +the centre of the ring of Druids, with all the power of resistance taken +from me, compelled to be the object of their weird rites. + +[Illustration: SNEEZING AND SNEEZING] + +'"Last night, however, just as the church clock began to strike twelve, +such a rush of memories flooded my brain, and such a longing to see my +old home and friends took possession of me, that a terrible rage at the +cruel tyranny of the Druids had gathered in my bosom before the clock +had finished striking the hour. When it was about to strike the last +beat, I arose from my seat in the centre of the circle and approaching +the wicked old chief, I snatched the snuff tin from his hands and +clapped it, snuff and all, right down over his eyes. Strange to say the +contents of the tin had not diminished by so much as a single pinch, and +such a fit of sneezing seized the old scoundrel that he rolled on the +grass in the greatest distress, quite unable to put the usual spell upon +me. All the other Druids, with abject terror expressed on their faces, +sank at once into the ground. The form of the head Druid, sneezing and +sneezing and sneezing, gradually faded away before my eyes, and long +after he had completely disappeared the sneezing could still be heard. +Eventually this died away, and pulling my clothes together as best I +could (for by now they were all in rags), I made the best of my way +home." + +'Having finished his story the grocer now became very thoughtful, and we +all sat round his little room smoking in silence until far into the +night, wondering at the strange events he had related. Next day, and for +a whole week, great festivities were held to celebrate his return, and +the Mayor very willingly resigned his office in favour of one who was +held in such esteem. Innumerable presentations were made to him and +addresses read to him, yet, in spite of all the honours he received, +never did he forget his old friends. Nor was he too proud to serve in +his little shop, now enlivened by the songs of the birds he had not the +heart to turn away. He spent the remainder of his useful life in the +performance of kind deeds and in well-deserved happiness.' + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MERCHANT'S WIFE AND THE MERCHANT] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE MERCHANT'S WIFE AND THE MERCHANT + + +'Very, very good, indeed,' the King remarked when the policeman had +finished his story, and he was so pleased that he gave all the +youngsters a half-holiday, with strict injunctions to be back in time +for tea. + +At tea-time they all came skipping back, bringing with them a little old +man they had found, apparently lost, and moping about the common. He +carried in front of him a pedlar's tray, on which were exposed for sale +many little oddments, such as reels of cotton, needles, pins, ribbons, +and even little toys, which he now hawked round amongst the assembled +company. As many as were able bought some small thing or other out of +kindness to the little merchant, and the good-natured old monarch +invited him to tea. + +While they were all enjoying this meal, they were disturbed by a great +noise, very much like the galloping of a horse, and suddenly, without +any warning, right into their midst there leapt a very large woman, who +immediately seized upon the little merchant, and attempted to drag him +away. Bill at once went to the assistance of the little fellow, and +endeavoured to pacify his assailant. At length the irate creature calmed +down, and addressing the company in an aggrieved tone, said:--'It's all +very well for you people to stand up for this wicked man, but not one of +you knows the dance the little wretch has led me for the last fifteen +years.' + +'Of course,' the King answered, 'it is hardly to be expected that we +should know anything of either of you, considering that this is the very +first time we have had the pleasure of meeting you. Perhaps you will be +so kind as to enlighten us, and explain to us your strange conduct.' + +The large woman now sat down upon the grass and said:--'Well, I suppose +I had better do so. Give me a cup of tea, and I'll let you know all +there is to know.' + +A cup of tea was accordingly handed to her, from which she took a sip, +and then proceeded thus:-- + +'About fifteen years ago I was so unfortunate as to wed this poor +specimen of a man you see before you, and we had not set up house +together very long before I could see that he wanted thoroughly looking +after, and, indeed, that he could hardly be allowed out by himself. Now +this was very awkward, as his business required that he should be out +all day, so I proposed to accompany him on his rounds. Holding him +securely fastened to the end of a long cord, I never let him out of my +sight for more than a minute at a time, and so kept him from mischief. +After a year or so, however, this grew rather tiresome for me, as I had +to neglect my household duties in attending upon my husband, and, in the +end, was compelled to let him out again alone. + +[Illustration: Bringing with them a little old man] + +'But you may be sure I did not do this until I had laid down certain +fixed rules for his behaviour, which I made him promise to obey. Amongst +these, one was that he should start from home not a minute earlier and +not a minute later than eight o'clock in the morning; another was, that +if he returned either a minute earlier or a minute later than eight +o'clock in the evening, he should go supperless to bed. And, would +you believe me, in spite of all my care, he would sometimes return +earlier and, as I learnt afterwards, remain outside until the clock +struck eight, when he would creep in as though he had only just +returned? + +'But my great trouble only began a few weeks ago, when, one evening, +having cooked his nightly turnip, I waited patiently for my good man's +return. At length the clock struck eight, and, to my surprise, it was +not immediately followed by my husband's timid knock. One minute passed; +two minutes passed; three minutes passed; four minutes passed; and, on +the fifth minute, there was a low knock at the door, and in crept the +miserable man, and cowered to his place. But, as you may suppose, there +was no turnip for him _that_ night, until he had given a satisfactory +explanation of his late return. The only excuse the frightened little +ruffian had to offer was, that he had dropped a needle on the road, and +had to return for it. So he went supperless to bed. + +'The next evening, having warmed up the old turnip, I again awaited his +return. Eight o'clock struck, and, to my even greater surprise, it was +not followed by the merchant's knock, and this time it was six minutes +past before he entered, and with no better excuse for his late arrival +than that he had dropped a reel of cotton on the road, and had to return +for it. "Let this be a lesson to you, my man," said I, as I once more +put away the turnip, which he had been regarding with longing eyes, and +sent him to bed. + +'For the third time, on the following evening, I warmed up the turnip, +feeling convinced that after the severe lesson he had received, my +merchant would not again serve me such a trick. But eight o'clock +struck, and then one minute passed; then two, three, four, five, six, +seven, eight, nine, and as the minute-hand pointed to the ten, he +crawled in on hands and knees, not daring to raise his eyes from the +ground. And then I told him what I thought of his conduct. + +[Illustration: MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON] + +'Without waiting to hear a word of explanation, I now locked him in a +cupboard beneath the stairs, put the turnip away, and went to bed. In +the morning I let him out, but of course gave him no breakfast, and in +due time he took his tray of goods, and left the house without a word. +Hardly had he departed three minutes, when I hastily donned my bonnet +and shawl, and followed him, determined to learn, if possible, what had +delayed him on the three previous evenings. Keeping at a safe distance, +I followed him all over the town, but nothing unusual happened. He +called at every house, displaying his wares to any one likely to buy; +selling a ribbon here, perhaps some pins or needles there, but his +conduct, on the whole, seemed harmless enough. At length the day passed +by, and the merchant started homewards; but he had not moved many paces, +when he came to a stop, and seemed to debate in his mind whether he +should return or not. Then, looking up and down the road, and seeing no +one watching him, he suddenly took to his heels, and ran as hard as he +could in the opposite direction. I lost no time in climbing over the +wall, behind which I had been hiding, and quickly followed him. Out of +the town the villain ran as swiftly as he could go, and I followed as +close as possible, without being seen by him, and was only just in time +to see the rogue climb into an old barrel that was standing, end up, in +a field near the roadway. "Now," thought I, "I've got you in a trap, my +fine fellow," and I ran up to the barrel. I could hardly believe the +evidence of my eyes when I found it to be quite empty. Amazed beyond +measure, I at last turned my steps towards home. + +'On arriving home, I found that my husband had not returned, and it was +fully twenty minutes past eight when at last he appeared, but I was so +astonished that I could not say a word to the little rascal, and once +more he went supperless to bed. + +'For four more days I followed the little man without approaching a +solution to this riddle. Each day he would go about his business in the +usual manner and, in the evening, he would run to the barrel, into which +he would speedily disappear. He came home later and later every night, +until I could stand this state of things no longer; and, on the sixth +day I determined never to return until I had satisfactorily cleared up +this mystery. This time, instead of following my merchant through the +town, I went direct to the barrel, and, hiding myself behind a bush near +by, prepared to wait there all day and see what happened. + +'I had not made myself comfortable many minutes before I saw two old men +coming along the road from the town; so old were they indeed, that they +could only creep along by leaning one against the other. Right up to the +barrel they crawled, and then, to my surprise, they scrambled over its +sides and disappeared. Presently two more just as old and decrepit came +along and disappeared in the same way. Now three more came, then two +again, and then only one, all as old and wretched as could be, and each +one crawled into the barrel and vanished. This went on for some time +when, unable to restrain my curiosity and wondering why on earth the +barrel didn't become full, I hurriedly left my hiding-place and looked +therein, to find that it yet remained quite empty. I had barely time +enough to regain my hiding-place when more and more old men came along +the road and disappeared into the barrel. + +'This went on all day, and when the evening drew near, I could see my +little man approaching from the town. As I expected, he walked straight +up to the barrel, and in a twinkling had vanished inside. Without giving +myself a moment to think, I once more left my hiding-place and climbed +into the mysterious old tub. It was certainly rather a tight fit, but I +managed to get in somehow or other. Presently I was astonished and +alarmed to find that the bottom of the barrel, which I had imagined to +rest on the earth, began to give way and open like a trap-door, and I +felt myself sinking lower and lower, down a sort of well. The next +thing, I found myself at the bottom of the well, and at the mouth of a +tunnel so narrow and low that I could only go through it on my hands and +knees. This, however, I proceeded to do, and found that it opened into a +great chamber cut out of the solid rock. + +'Not daring to enter, I gazed into this strange place, which was lighted +with many candles all affixed to the rocky walls with their own tallow. +On the centre of the floor was piled a great heap of children's +toys,--tin trumpets, wooden horses, drums, hoops, skipping-ropes, +rocking-horses, peg-tops, in fact, every conceivable toy that a sensible +child could wish for. Around this great heap, instead of children, sat +all the poor miserable old men I had seen enter the barrel, and amongst +them I now perceived my husband, who certainly seemed no happier than +the rest. Securely hidden in the narrow passage from every one in the +room, I could now watch all that took place, in the greatest comfort. + +'Not a word was said by any of the decrepit creatures as they stared +absently at the toys in the middle of the room. Presently one whom I +took to be their host, as I had not seen him enter the barrel, took from +a peg on the wall, from which it had been suspended by a piece of +string, an old bent tin pipe and proceeded to play. At once the wrinkled +faces of the poor old fellows began to brighten up, and as the music +grew more lively, they rocked their withered frames to and fro to the +tunes. Soon, one by one, they stood upon their feet, and seeming to lose +their old age as the music every moment became more enchanting, they +forgot their feebleness and danced gaily about the room. + +'Younger and younger they grew, until my husband appeared to be such a +dapper and bright little man that I could not prevent myself from +leaving my hiding-place and going up to him and clasping him round the +waist. Not a bit surprised did he seem to see me there, and as we +danced merrily up and down the room, to my great joy and astonishment, I +felt myself growing younger every moment, whilst the rest of the +company, now all transformed to fine young men, danced in one circle +round us, as handsome a couple as you would wish to see. + +[Illustration: KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF] + +'Still the magical music continued, and if anything grew more and more +enchanting as we grew younger and younger, until we seemed to be +frolicsome boys and girls once more. At last we found ourselves to be a +crowd of little toddling children, and, my word! how we grabbed at the +great heap of toys placed there for our amusement, and what a time we +had to be sure! + +[Illustration: GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS] + +'Under the great heap of toys, we discovered the most glorious tarts, +pastries, cakes and sweets, and it didn't seem to matter how much you +ate of them, for you never lost your appetite for more. At last, alas! +the wonderful music quieted down, and by degrees we once more lost our +childhood, then our youth, and, when the music suddenly stopped, we all +returned to our old selves again, and fell flat on our faces quite tired +out, while our host hung up his old tin pipe on its peg in the wall. + +'When we had all somewhat recovered, I fixed my eye upon my husband. +"Now," thought I, "I've got you. This is how you waste your time, is it? +And why you come home late for supper." The conscience-stricken +creature trembled before my gaze, and then made a rush for the door. All +made way for him, but I quickly followed through the tunnel and mounted +a ladder which led to the trap-door at the bottom of the barrel, out of +which I climbed, but only in time to see the rascal disappear into the +town. I then made the best of my way home. + +[Illustration: IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE] + +'He had not returned when I arrived, so I waited three whole days and +nights, prepared to make the unnatural man feel to the full my +resentment at his shameful conduct. On the fourth day, as he had not +come home, I went back to the tub, and not seeing any sign of him, I +gave a kick to the old thing and sent it rolling over and over on its +side. Would you believe me, there was not the slightest trace of any +passage or well ever having existed beneath it. Since then I have +wandered all over the country in search of this ungrateful wretch.' And +the indignant woman, having finished her story, once more attempted to +drag the affrighted little merchant away. Bill again intervened, and +after a few very kind words, successfully persuaded her to allow her +husband to remain with them, at the same time inviting her to make one +of their brave band. + +This she only consented to do on condition that the policeman also never +left them, 'as you never know,' said she, 'what the little wretch will +be up to next.' + +The policeman having no objection to fall in with her wishes, they all +marched on in peace. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS + + +Time was now getting on, and the fidgety old King, weary of being +constantly on the move, became more and more impatient to reach his +journey's end. For many days they had been crossing the great desert, +and were fast approaching the further side when, one evening, the +aggravating old fellow decided that they should march on right through +the night. In vain did Bill point out to him how tired they all were; +the old King would not even listen to him, so, whether they liked it or +not, they had to jog on. + +Wearily they trudged along, and towards morning they came upon a great +stone sphinx, in the arms of which there nestled a company of little +children, every one of whom was fast asleep. Presently, as the sun rose +and shone under the lids of their eyes, they, one by one, awakened, and +stared in mute astonishment at the dusty figures before them. Assuring +them that they had nothing to fear at their hands, Bill, with the King's +permission, invited them all to breakfast. Seated in a great circle on +the sands, beneath the old sphinx, every one did his utmost to make the +strangers comfortable and to remove their natural shyness; and, in a +little while, it was a very jovial party that sat demolishing the +substantial breakfast prepared for them. Many songs were sung and +stories told by Bill and his comrades, and presently one of the little +fellows, who appeared to be the youngest of their new friends, stood up +and related the following story:-- + +'We are all brothers and sisters, and lived, until yesterday, with our +good parents upon a sandbank in the mouth of the river Blim which, as +you know, is one of the smaller tributaries of the river Nile. Our +father was a fisherman, and upon the only spot on the bank which +remained invariably high and dry, the clever man had erected a shed +which served us for home, and which, at least, protected us from the +showers of spray blown from the rough seas, and the chill winds that +blew across the neighbouring marshes, as well as the cold rains that, in +the fall of the year, flooded the adjacent country for miles around. A +dozen stout beams, that had been cast up by the waves, served, each with +one end deeply embedded in the wet sand, as a framework for our humble +mansion. These were covered over with numerous skins of fish and pieces +of old rag, all neatly stitched together by our industrious mother, or +pinned by fish-bones skilfully sharpened by grinding their ends between +two stones. Our good dad's stock-in-trade consisted of one long piece of +frayed string, with a sharpened fishbone, bent in the form of a hook, +fastened at one end, a small boat and a paddle, the former of which he +had skilfully fashioned out of an old basket that had been washed +ashore, and over which he had stretched more of the rags and fish-skins, +of which we always possessed a goodly supply saved over from our meals. + +[Illustration: They came upon a great stone sphinx] + +'During the long winter months we were entirely cut off from our fellow +creatures by the floods and the terrible storms at sea, and were +compelled to subsist entirely upon our own resources; and thus we +learnt, after many a bitter trial, to make almost everything we required +from the spoils brought home by our hard-working father. The flesh +of the fish, of course, served us for meat, either fresh or pickled in +brine, and then dried in the sun. The roes, prepared in the same way, +were our only delicacies, and, by an indulgence in these, we used to +celebrate our many birthdays. Fish dripping we had in plenty, and the +bones were dried and ground between two rocks, making the finest flour +for bread and pies. The tails and fins were always saved, and, after a +simple drying process, made excellent fuel, easily set alight with +sparks kindled by knocking two stones sharply together. A fine black ash +was left from fires kindled in this way, which, mixed with a little +sea-water, made one of the purest inks. The good dad always encouraged +us to make notes on the smooth white skins of the young dab, bleached +and dried in the sun, explaining how useful they would be to us in +after-life, and showed us how to cut pens from the larger bones of the +fish. The only parts which the unselfish man reserved for himself were +the eyes which, when dried, were his only substitute for tobacco in that +lone part of the world, and which he smoked in a pipe most beautifully +carved by himself, from the spine of an old cod. + +'The heads of the fish served the younger children for bricks, or even, +after a little trimming, for dolls, with which they amused themselves +during the long winter evenings. Many another device had we whereby we +made the most of our very small opportunities, but you will readily see +how dependent we were for everything upon the good fortune and +resources of our father, without whom we should all very quickly have +perished. + +'For many days and nights at a time our good dad would remain upon the +sea, returning sometimes with a good supply of fish; at other times, +alas! with only one or two little dabs, or even with nothing at all. +Yet, by dint of saving up for a rainy day, when we had more than enough +for our present needs, we managed to jog along fairly comfortably. One +sad winter's evening, however, our good parent returned, having caught +nothing but a very small dab and a very severe cold. Our anxious mother, +in a state of alarm, lit a great fire and, after making him take a bowl +of steaming fish gruel, with his feet at the same time in a bath of hot +sea-water, she sent him to bed, and covered him up with as many fish +skins as she could spare from the house. The next day he was decidedly +worse, and our anxiety increased day by day as he showed no signs of +improvement. Very soon, with no one to replenish our larder, our stores +began to run low, and starvation stared us in the face. + +'At last one morning the invalid called our eldest brother to him and +said to him:--"Son, our stores are all eaten up, and unless we obtain +food by to-morrow morning we shall all surely die, so take my boat and +fishing-line and see what luck will attend you." With tears in his eyes, +the good-hearted boy left the house and very soon embarked. + +[Illustration: THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS] + +'Having paddled some way out to sea, he threw his line, and fished and +fished. After a little while he drew it in again to find, alas! that he +had caught nothing. For the second time he cast his line, and fished and +fished and fished, but on again pulling in the line he found that he had +no better luck. He now for the third time threw out his line, and fished +and fished and fished and fished, yet no better fortune attended him; +so, bitterly disappointed, he wound up the tackle and paddled home. + +'Sorrowfully the unhappy father heard of his eldest son's want of +success, and then sent for his second eldest son, and requested him to +see if fortune would be kinder to him than it had been to his brother. +But, alas! he returned likewise without even so much as a whitebait. +Then, one after the other, he sent all his sons except myself, who am +the youngest of all, but not a little piece of luck awaited any of them. +The wretched man now called me to him and said:--"Son, hitherto I have +been reluctant to send one so young upon such an errand, but, +alack-a-day! you are now our only hope; unless good fortune waits upon +you we shall all perish." + +[Illustration: YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE] + +'After comforting him as much as I could, and assuring him that I would +do my best, I hastened down to the shore and embarked in the little +boat. I paddled a good way out to sea until I came to a suitable +fishing-ground, and then threw out my line. I fished and fished and +fished and fished, and on drawing in my line found nothing on the hook +except the bait, a wretched piece of dried fish skin, which looked very +draggled as it rose from the water. "Better luck next time," thought I, +as I threw my line for the second time, and fished and fished and fished +and fished and fished. Yet, on pulling up the line, I found to my dismay +that instead of better luck I had even worse, if that were possible, for +the wretched bait had vanished from the hook. "Once more," thought I, as +I dropped my line overboard for the third time, "and, fish or no fish, I +must give it up, even though we all die of starvation." So I fished and +fished and fished and fished and fished with all my might, and when at +length I had hauled it in you may imagine my distress when I discovered +that not merely was there no fish upon the line, but that the hook +itself had disappeared. With tears of rage and disappointment I now gave +it up and prepared to return, but I had not gone very far when I +thought, "Shall I have just one more try even without hook or bait?" And +not giving myself any time to think about it, I hurled my line out for +the fourth time and fished and fished and fished and fished and fished +and fished and fished as hard as I could, when fancying that I felt a +nibble, I hauled it in as quickly as possible and found an old +sardine-tin which had become entangled in the line. + +'Hastily opening the tin, all I found therein was the head of an old +sprat. "Alas!" said I to myself, "is this, after all my troubles, the +only food I can take to my suffering father and hungering mother and +brothers and sisters; better it would have been had we never been +born!" and the tears streamed down my face. + +'As I bent low over my miserable catch a great shadow passed across the +boat and suddenly looking up, I beheld a beautiful albatross sailing in +the sky above me. No sooner did the graceful creature catch sight of the +head of the sprat than it swooped down upon the tin that contained it, +snatching it from my hands, and flew off with it as speedily as +possible. Now it happened I had not let go my hold on the line, the +other end of which was still fastened to the tin, so that in a very few +minutes I felt myself lifted bodily up and whirled through the air and +out to sea at a great speed. Dangling many feet beneath the great bird, +on and on I was carried over the tops of the waves, in the greatest +anxiety lest the marauding fowl should take a lower flight, in which +case I should inevitably have been plunged into the sea and drowned. + +'How many miles we travelled thus it would be impossible for me to tell, +but at length my arms grew tired of holding on and supporting my weight, +and I began to fear every moment that I should slip off into the sea, +when I beheld a fishing-boat in the distance, right in our course. +Hoping that we should reach it before my strength gave out I anxiously +watched the vessel as we gradually drew near. At last I found myself +directly over the boat, and shutting my eyes, I let go my hold on the +line, and dropped down right on to a pile of fish in the middle of the +deck, sending them flying in all directions amongst the astonished +fisherman. + +[Illustration: I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED] + +'My remarkable appearance amongst them had the most astonishing effect +upon the fishermen. They one and all leapt into the sea, and +notwithstanding my endeavours to entice them back to the boat, and to +explain to them my sudden descent upon their vessel, the affrighted +creatures swam off to the distant shore, which, let us hope, they +reached in safety. + +'Looking around me I now discovered, to my great joy, that the boat was +full of the finest fish, so, seizing the oars, I turned her head towards +home, where I arrived with my prize on the following morning, after a +hard night's work, rowing the heavily-laden craft to shore. + +'The rejoicings were great, as you may well imagine, when my good +parents and brothers and sisters beheld me again, for all had given me +up for lost, our old boat having been washed ashore the previous +evening. A great meal of fish was prepared as soon as possible, at which +we all ate heartily after so long a fast, and the old gentleman's +condition was greatly improved by the meal. + +'Long before the large supply of food had been consumed, the good living +and comfort had restored our dad's health, and he was able to resume his +fishing. Being now so much better equipped with the fine boat in which I +had returned, and with the splendid tackle we discovered therein, good +luck always attended his fishing and we never wanted any more. + +'In the course of time it became necessary that their children should +all leave them and seek their fortunes, and only yesterday morning, with +many tears, we bade adieu to our kind-hearted parents and started on our +journey.' + +The young strangers were now all thoroughly refreshed by their +breakfast, and learning the nature of the campaign upon which the King +and his army were engaged, willingly offered their assistance as +camp-followers, or in any other way that they might be useful. The King +very gratefully accepted their services, and before resuming the march +the whole army went out of their way and visited the kindly fisherman. +The King was pleased to confer many honours on the old fellow, and, +before leaving him, promised to look after his numerous family, and in +the future to provide for all their wants. + +[Illustration: tailpiece] + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SIEGE OF TROY] + +[Illustration: headpiece] + + + + +THE SIEGE OF TROY + + +Early one fine morning, before the soldiers had arisen, the King, in a +very excited state, called his general to his bedside and, pointing +through the opening of his tent, said:-- + +'Bill, can you see, far away upon the horizon, that little point of +light?' And Bill, straining his eyes in the direction indicated, was +indeed able to detect a little flash, as though the sun were shining +upon a cucumber frame many miles away. + +'Well,' said the old man, 'that is the reflection of the sun upon the +dome of my palace in Troy.' + +Bill, delighted that at last they were nearing their journey's end, went +off and awakened the camp with the glad news, and all came running out +and gazed in the direction of Troy; and so heartened were the brave +fellows at the sight that they gave three resounding cheers. + +Their eagerness to be off was so great that there was no breakfast that +morning, and soon performing a hurried toilet, and speedily packing up +their sticks, they were on the move once more. The King's excitement +knew no bounds and, after distributing amongst his followers the +contents of his pocket, he insisted on climbing out of his chariot, and +giving each of his officers in turn a ride therein. Having travelled +some little way, the King suddenly called a halt, and held up his hand +for silence, and then, in the clear air, could be heard the bells of +Troy! More excited than ever, the King now took off his crown, and +removing some of the jewels with the pen-knife which Bill had presented +to him on his birthday, gave one to each of his chief officers. + +In a little time the towers of Troy came into view, on the further edge +of the great plain they were crossing, and the elated King, quite beside +himself with joy and expectation at this glorious sight, stood upon the +seat of his chariot and danced, much to the alarm of Boadicea, who was +wheeling him. He then sat down again, and, taking off his slippers, he +threw them, one by one, as high into the air as he could, and caught +them as they descended. As they came nearer and nearer to their goal the +old fellow's spirits rose to such a pitch that something really had to +be done, so the musician was told-off to play soothing tunes to him, and +in time the excitable creature calmed down, only, however, to break out +again when they halted that night before the walls of Troy. At last, to +keep him quiet once and for all, and out of everybody's way, they put +him to bed with a soothing-draught made up by the doctor. + +The approach of the gallant fellows had been closely observed from the +watch-towers of the city, and, in consequence, they found the gates fast +closed when they halted before them. And, as nothing could be done that +night, they fixed up their camp and retired to rest. + +On the following morning, Bill sent the merchant's wife as an +ambassadress into the city, to demand its instant surrender, and very +gladly she undertook the task. + +[Illustration: Closely observed from the watch towers] + +'This is quite in my line,' said she, as she knocked for admittance at +the gate, through which she was admitted after a little delay. Bill +waited anxiously for her reappearance, hoping that the King of Persia +would be wise enough to give up the city without further trouble, but +suddenly a great roar resounded from the other side of the walls, and +almost immediately afterwards the ambassadress, with tufts of the +Persian King's hair held between her clenched fingers, was thrown out of +the gates. + +'There's nothing for it now,' thought Bill, 'but to lay siege to the +place,' and he at once proceeded to walk round the city and examine the +nature of the ground; after which he mustered his whole force before +him, and disposed them according to the accompanying plan:-- + +[Illustration: PLAN OF SIEGE] + +In this way Bill completely surrounded the city, allowing no provisions +of any kind to enter, and prepared to wait until the inhabitants had +exhausted all their stores, and could hold out no longer. + +These were the instructions of General Bill to his army, to be +faithfully carried out during the siege:-- + + 1. That the King was not to be allowed out of his tent on any + account, in spite of his impatience. + + 2. That, with the exception of the general and the scout, no warrior + was allowed, without his officers permission, to leave his post, day + or night, during the siege, and if any one were discovered sleeping + without one eye open, his allowance of sugar for porridge next + morning was to be stopped. + + 3. That the scout was to be continually on the move. + + 4. That Boadicea was to prepare all the meals, and that at each meal + time she was to take the food she had cooked to the soldiers (an + extra large portion being always reserved for the King). + + 5. That every morning, with breakfast, she was to take to each his + boots brightly polished, a bowl of hot water to wash in, and a comb, + and that every evening she should bring them their slippers and + their night-shirts. + +For three years the siege went on, in quite a peaceful and, at times, +even a pleasant way, with no sign at all of the Trojans feeling any +discomfort; in fact, since the Merchant's Wife had been turned from the +city, not a sound had been heard from within the walls. + +Now it happened one morning, about this time, that the gates, to every +one's surprise, were thrown open, and a messenger, with a flag of truce, +came forth. The poor fellow looked hungry enough, indeed, yet the +Merchant's Wife roughly seized upon the famished creature, much to his +annoyance, and brought him to the general. Bill, hoping that he had come +with an offer from the King of Persia to surrender the city, joyfully +handed the young man a chair and a biscuit, and, before allowing him to +speak, insisted on his eating a bowl of hot porridge. When he had +hungrily demolished the food, Bill kindly invited him to deliver his +message, which, in a hesitating manner, he thus proceeded to do:-- + +'The King of Persia sends greetings to his dear old friend, the King of +Troy, and wishes to assure him that he bears no ill-will towards him. On +the contrary, his happiest moments are spent in recalling those far-off +times when, as young children, they played the livelong day together, in +good-will and friendliness. He also begs him, for a few minutes, to +allow his natural kindness to overcome his enmity, and send his old +friend, now faint with hunger, enough suet to make just a little pudding +for himself.' + +Bill, a trifle disappointed, took the message to the King of Troy, who +seemed very much affected on hearing it. + +[Illustration: THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED] + +'Give the old fellow a cracknel,' roared he, 'and tell him that if he +surrenders the city at once, he can have as nice a snack of dinner as he +could wish.' + +The messenger returned to the city with the message and the cracknel, +and Bill waited all through the day and night, but no word came from the +city. + +After breakfast next morning, when, as Bill thought, the King of Persia +would be feeling hungry, he called to him the nine stout sons of Crispin +and Chloe and then summoned to him the Merchant's Wife and the Sicilian +Char-woman, and between them they managed to wrap up each of the brave +lads in brown paper, properly secured with strong string, making nine +very neat parcels. The general had previously instructed the brave +fellows how to act at the right moment, and in the meantime to remain +perfectly still. These parcels were now labelled severally lemon cheese +cake, fairy cakes, rock cakes, Jumbles, raspberry noyeau, mince pies, +Pontefract cakes and peppermint cushions, and then all neatly piled upon +the King's wheeling-chair, which Bill had borrowed for the purpose. + +Solemnly preceded by Bill, the Merchant's Wife and the Char-woman (being +the two strongest people in the forces) now wheeled the chair up to the +gates, in front of which they emptied its contents. + +The hungry Trojans had observed their approach, from the walls above +which could now be seen innumerable heads popping up and down, and no +sooner did they see what the chair was supposed to contain than they +climbed down, and without any hesitation opened the gates. Bill then +spoke to the Trojans in the following words:-- + +'The King of Troy sends greetings to the King of Persia and hearing that +his stores are exhausted, and, although at war with him, not wishing +that he should suffer any serious discomfort, begs his acceptance of +these provisions.' Bill and the two ladies now retired with the empty +wheeling-chair and took up their position before the walls once more. + +In the meanwhile the parcels were taken into the city and presented to +the King of Persia who was then sitting, with the whole of his court, +hungrily wondering what was going to happen next. The parcels were +heaped up before him, and he could hardly conceal his delight and +eagerness to begin on the victuals at once. All his courtiers too seemed +quite inclined to forget their manners and help themselves before they +were asked. The King now took up the largest parcel, labelled Pontefract +cakes, which happened to contain Hannibal, when at a given signal each +one of the courageous young fellows broke from his confinement and at +once set on those around him. Hannibal and Noah seized the Persian King +and bound him securely with some of the string from the parcels; each of +the other brave sons of Crispin bound some minister or courtier in the +same way, and the rest of the court fled from the palace in abject +terror. + +The nine lads now gave chase, and the panic which possessed the +affrighted courtiers spread, in no time, through the city, and the whole +of the inhabitants were soon fleeing before the infuriated fellows. + +Possessed with the idea that their pursuers were in much greater force +than they really were, the scared wretches made for the gates of the +city, out of which they ran as hard as they could. Bill, the General, +wisely allowed them to pass through his lines, which they did in the +maddest terror, and then fled far away over the plain, as the besieging +forces once more closed in around the city. + +Seeing that the gates still remained open, Bill now marshalled his +gallant army, and in one grand procession led them into the city. + +[Illustration: AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA] + +In front of all solemnly marched the General; then the Real Soldier; +then the Merchant's Wife; then the Sicilian Char-woman, proudly waving +her flag; then followed a number of Bill's charges, the Ancient +Mariner, the Doctor, Camp-followers, the Musician playing triumphant +music on his concertina, more Camp-followers, the Respectable Gentleman, +the Scout, the Wild Man, yet more Camp-followers, the Merchant, and, +last of all, preceded by the graceful Triplets, came the proud and glad +old King himself, wheeled in great state by the faithful Boadicea, and +guarded by the principal policeman of Troutpeg. The nine stout sons of +Crispin, together with the remaining children, formed a guard of honour, +extending from the city gates as far as the front door of the Palace, +into which the excited and Royal old creature entered at last amid the +cheers of his gallant followers. + +His first act was to release the King of Persia, and after accepting +very graciously his humble and sincere apologies for his unkindness, the +clement old fellow gave him a good breakfast and packed him off to +Persia. In a like kindly manner he treated the courtiers, after they had +all suitably begged his pardon; and the inhabitants, who came trooping +back as soon as they heard how graciously the rightful King was +behaving, one and all clamoured to shake the delighted old monarch by +the hand and pay their homage to him. + +Thus, after all his trials and privations, this Royal and kindly +creature was restored to his throne. The crown was done up and +beautifully polished, and the old King once more crowned in great state. +To show his gratitude to his brave and faithful followers he appointed +them all (with the exception of the Triplets, who soon returned to +Blowdripping) to places of honour in his court. Thus:-- + +[Illustration: TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN] + + BILL, Commander-in-chief of the Army. + THE REAL SOLDIER, General under Bill. + THE SCOUT, Officer of the Army. + NINE SONS OF CRISPIN, Bodyguard to the King. + THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS + AND OTHERS, The Army. + BOADICEA, Royal Housekeeper. + ANCIENT MARINER, Admiral of the Fleet. + SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN, Head Char-woman to Royal Household. + THE MERCHANT'S WIFE, Superintendent of the Prison. + THE DOCTOR, Court Physician. + PTOLEMY JENKINSON, King's Valet. + RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN, Master of Good Behaviour to the + Royal Household. + LONG MAN, Hall Porter at Royal Palace. + MUSICIAN, Court Musician. + WILD MAN, Park Keeper. + POLICEMAN, Preserver of the Peace. + +With such a gallant court and brave army around him the dear old man was +saved from further troubles in his State during the remainder of his +long and happy reign. In fact Troy became the very happiest town in the +world, and the old King's noble followers were so contented with their +lot that they never again left the city of Troy. + + + + +[Illustration: THE END] + +[Illustration: vignette] + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Notes + +Illustrations have been moved, when they interrupted paragraphs in the +original. The list of illustrations has retained the page references in +the original book. + +The only intentional changes to the text are the following corrections +to typographical or printer's errors: + +Page 25 deleted hyphen in 'cocoa-nut' (the slabs of cocoanut ice) + +Page 149 added missing quotation mark at end of the paragraph (...my +great courage and astute generalship.') + +Page 247: Missing closing single quote added (to make just a little +pudding for himself.') + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bill the Minder, by W. 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