initial commit of ebook 33564HEADmain

1 files changed, 5464 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/33564-8.txt b/33564-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a038a88
--- /dev/null
+++ b/33564-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,5464 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of John Bull, Junior, by Max O'Rell
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: John Bull, Junior
+       or French as She is Traduced
+
+Author: Max O'Rell
+
+Release Date: August 28, 2010 [EBook #33564]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL, JUNIOR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+John Bull, Junior
+
+
+MAX O'RELL
+
+John Bull, Junior
+
+OR
+
+FRENCH AS SHE IS TRADUCED
+
+
+
+BY THE AUTHOR OF "JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND," ETC.
+
+WITH A PREFACE BY GEORGE C. EGGLESTON
+
+CASSELL & COMPANY, LIMITED
+104 & 106 FOURTH AVENUE, NEW YORK
+
+
+COPYRIGHT,
+1888,
+By O. M. DUNHAM.
+
+_All rights reserved._
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+It must be that a too free association with American men of letters has
+moved the author of this book to add to his fine Gallic wit a touch of
+that preposterousness which is supposed to be characteristic of American
+humor.
+
+For proof of this, I cite the fact that he has asked me to introduce him
+upon this occasion. Surely there could be no more grotesque idea than
+that any word of mine can serve to make Max O'Rell better known than he
+is to the great company of American readers.
+
+Have not the pirate publishers already introduced him to all Americans
+who care for literature? Have not their translators done their best, not
+only to bring his writings to the attention of readers, but also to add
+to the sparkle and vivacity of his books by translating into them many
+things not to be found in the French originals? These generous folk, who
+have thus liberally supplemented his wit with flashes of their own
+stupidity, have treated his text after the manner of a celebrated
+Kentuckian of whom it was written that his love of truth was so great
+that he gave his entire time and attention to the task of ornamenting
+and adding to it.
+
+But with all their eagerness to render interested service to a
+distinguished man of letters who was not then here to look after his own
+affairs, the pirates missed this, the best of his books; and finding
+that no surreptitious edition of it has appeared in this country, the
+author has felt himself privileged to re-write it and make such changes
+in it and additions to it as his own judgment has suggested without the
+prompting of voluntary assistants, and even to negotiate with a
+publisher for the issue of an edition on his own account.
+
+I have called this work the best of Max O'Rell's books, and I think the
+reader will approve the judgment. Here, as in all that this author has
+written, there is a biting wit, which saturates the serious substance as
+good, sharp vinegar pervades a pickle; but here, as elsewhere, the main
+purpose is earnest, and the wit is but an aid to its accomplishment. A
+very wise and distinguished educator has declared that "the whole theory
+of education is to be extracted from these humorous sketches," and the
+story goes--whether Max O'Rell will vouch for its accuracy or not, I do
+not venture to say--that the head boy of St. Paul's School in London,
+after hearing the sketches read in public, said: "We boys enjoyed the
+lecture immensely, but _that fellow knows too much about us_."
+
+With a tremor of apprehension, we reflect that Max O'Rell's period of
+observation among ourselves will presently end, and that when he comes
+to record the result in his peculiar fashion, we are likely to echo that
+school-boy's plaint. But at any rate we shall know our own features
+better after we have contemplated them in his mirror; and, meantime,
+those of us who have enjoyed his acquaintance are disposed earnestly to
+hope that a guest whom we have learned to esteem so warmly may not think
+quite so ill of the American character as the barbaric condition of our
+laws respecting literary property would warrant.
+
+GEORGE CARY EGGLESTON.
+
+NEW YORK, February, 1888.
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+_A Word to the Reader and another to the Critic._
+
+
+To write a book in a foreign tongue is risky, and I had better at once
+ask for indulgence.
+
+The many scenes and reminiscences belong to England, and, if translated
+into French, the anecdotes and conversations would lose much of whatever
+flavour and interest there may be in them.
+
+This is my reason for not having written this book in French. Let my
+reason be also my apology.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If any of my readers should feel inclined to think my review of British
+school-boys somewhat critical, let them take it for granted that when I
+was a boy I was everything that was good.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now, gentle American Critic, whose magnanimity is proverbial, before
+thou abusest this little book, reflect how thou wouldst feel if thy
+Editor were to bid thee write thy criticism in French.
+
+MAX O'RELL.
+
+
+
+
+_Contents._
+
+
+                                                                 PAGE
+
+Preface,
+
+Introduction,
+
+I am Born.--I am Deeply in Love.--I wish to be an Artist, but my
+Father uses strong Argument against it.--I produce a dramatic
+Chef-d'oeuvre.--Parisian Managers fail to appreciate it.--I put
+on a beautiful Uniform.--The Consequence of it.--Two Episodes of
+the Franco-Prussian War.--The Commune explained by a Communist.--A
+"glorious" Career cut short.--I take a Resolution and a Ticket for
+London,                                                             1
+
+II.
+
+EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A FRENCHMAN IN SEARCH OF A SOCIAL POSITION
+IN ENGLAND.
+
+Arrival at Charing Cross.--I have Nothing to declare to the Exciseman
+but Low Spirits.--Difficulty in finding a comfortable Residence.--Board
+and Lodging.--A House with Creepers.--Things look Bad.--Things look
+Worse.--Things look cheerful,                                      15
+
+III.
+
+I make the acquaintance of Public School Boys.--"When I was a little
+Boy."--An Awful Moment.--A Simple Theory.--I score a Success,      34
+
+IV.
+
+The _genus_ Boy.--The only one I object to.--What Boys work for,   38
+
+V.
+
+Schoolboys I have met.--Promising Britons.--Sly Boots.--Too Good for
+this World.--"No, thanks, we makes it."--French Dictionaries.--A
+Naughty Boy.--Mothers' Pets.--Dirty, but Beautiful.--John Bully.--High
+Collars and Brains.--Dictation and its Trials.--Not to be taken in.--
+Unlucky Boys.--The Use of Two Ears.--A Boy with One Idea.--Master
+Whirligig.--The Influence of Athletics.--A Good Situation.--A Shrewd
+Boy of Business.--Master Algernon Cadwaladr Smyth and other Typical
+Schoolboys,                                                        40
+
+VI.
+
+French as she is Traduced.--More Grumblings.--"La Critique" is not the
+Critic's Wife.--Bossuet's Prose, and how it reads in English.--Nothing
+improves by Translation except a Bishop.--A Few French "Howlers."--
+Valuable Hints on translating Unseen Passages,                     72
+
+VII.
+
+English Boys on French Etymologies.--Why "Silence" is the only French
+Noun ending in "ence" that is of the Masculine Gender.--A Valuable
+Service rendered by the Author to his Land of Adoption.--Learned
+Etymologies.--Return to old Philological Methods.--Remarkable
+Questions.--Written and Oral Examinations.--A Kind Examiner.--How
+long would it take the Moon to Fall to the Earth?--How many Yards
+of Cloth it takes to cover an Ass,                                 80
+
+VIII.
+
+English Boys on French Composition.--"Go ahead" is not in French
+"Allez une Tête."--How Boys set about French Composition.--A
+Written Proof of their Guilt.--How Large Advertisements can help
+them.--A Stumbling-Block cleared away,                             90
+
+IX.
+
+Suggestions and Hints for the Class Room.--Boys on History and
+Geography.--"Maxims" and "Wise Thoughts."--Advice to those about to
+Teach.--"Sir," and not "Mossoo."--"Frauleins" and "Mademoiselles."--
+Check your Love for Boys.--No Credit.--We are all liable to make
+Mistakes.--I get an insight into "Stocks,"                         95
+
+X.
+
+English Boys' Patriotism put to a Severe Test.--Their Opinion of
+French Victories.--King Louis VI. of France and the English Soldier at
+the Battle of Brenneville.--An English Boy on French Wrestling.--Young
+Tory Democrats.--"Imperium et Libertas."--A Patriotic Answer.--Duck
+and Drake,                                                        110
+
+XI.
+
+Cricket.--I have an Unsuccessful Try at it.--Boys' Opinion of my
+Athletic Qualities.--French and English Athletes.--Feats of Skill and
+Strength _versus_ Feats of Endurance and Brute Force.--A Case of
+Eviction by Force of Arms,                                        116
+
+XII.
+
+Old Pupils.--Acquaintances renewed.--Lively Recollections revived.--It
+is easier to Teach French than to Learn it.--A Testimonial refused to a
+French Master.--"How de do?"--"That's What-d'ye-call-him, the French
+Master,"                                                          121
+
+XIII.
+
+Debating Societies.--A Discussion on the Pernicious Use of Tobacco.--
+School Magazines in France and England.--A Business-like Little
+Briton.--An Important Resolution passed unanimously.--I perform
+an Englishman's Duty,                                             125
+
+XIV.
+
+Home, sweet Home!--Boys' Opinion of the Seaside.--French and English
+Beaches.--Who is he at Home? What was his Grandfather?--Remarks on
+Swaggering.--"I thought he was a Gentleman,"                      128
+
+XV.
+
+He can not speak French, but he can read it, you know.--He has a try
+at it in Paris.--Nasal Sounds and accented Syllables.--How I reduced
+English Words to single Syllables, and was successful in the Object I
+had in View.--A Remark on the Connection of Words,                133
+
+XVI.
+
+Public School Scholarships and Exhibitions.--Grateful Parents.--
+Inquiring Mothers.--A Dear Little Candidate.--Ladies' Testimonials.
+--A Science Master well recommended,                              138
+
+XVII.
+
+The Origin of Anglomania and Anglophobia in England.--A Typical
+Frenchman.--Too much of an Englishman.--A remarkable French Master.
+--John Bull made to go to Church by a Frenchman.--A Noble and
+Thankless Career.--A Place of Learning.--Mons. and Esquire.--All
+Ladies and Gentlemen.--One Exception.--Wonderful Addresses,       148
+
+XVIII.
+
+The Way to Learn Modern Languages,                                158
+
+XIX.
+
+English and French Schoolboys.--Their Characteristics.--The Qualities of
+the English Schoolboy.--What is required of a Master to Win,      165
+
+Appendix,                                                         169
+
+
+
+
+_John Bull, Jr._
+
+
+
+
+I.
+
+I AM BORN.--I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE.--I WISH TO BE AN ARTISTE, BUT MY
+FATHER USES STRONG ARGUMENT AGAINST IT.--I PRODUCE A DRAMATIC
+CHEF-D'OEUVRE.--PARISIAN MANAGERS FAIL TO APPRECIATE IT.--I PUT ON A
+BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM.--THE CONSEQUENCE OF IT.--TWO EPISODES OF THE
+FRANCO-PRUSSIAN WAR.--THE COMMUNE EXPLAINED BY A COMMUNIST.--A
+"GLORIOUS" CAREER CUT SHORT.--I TAKE A RESOLUTION, AND A TICKET TO
+LONDON.
+
+
+I was born on the ----
+
+But this is scarcely a "recollection" of mine.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+At twelve I was deeply in love with a little girl of my own age. Our
+servants were friends, and it was in occasional meetings of these girls
+in the public gardens of my little native town that my chief chance of
+making love to Marie lay. Looking back on this little episode in my
+life, I am inclined to think that it afforded much amusement to our
+attendants. My love was too deep for words; I never declared my flame
+aloud. But, oh, what a fluttering went on under my small waistcoat
+every time I had the ineffable pleasure of a nod from her, and what
+volumes of love I put into my bow as I lifted my cap and returned her
+salute! We made our first communion on the same day. I was a pupil of
+the organist, and it was arranged that I should play a short piece
+during the Offertory on that occasion. I had readily acquiesced in the
+proposal. Here was my chance of declaring myself; through the medium of
+the music I could tell her all my lips refused to utter. She must be
+moved, she surely would understand.
+
+Whether she did or not, I never had the bliss of knowing. Shortly after
+that memorable day, my parents removed from the country to Paris. The
+thought of seeing her no more nearly broke my heart, and when the
+stage-coach reached the top of the last hill from which the town could
+be seen, my pent-up feelings gave way and a flood of tears came to my
+relief.
+
+The last time I visited those haunts of my childhood, I heard that
+"little Marie" was the mamma of eight children. God bless that mamma
+and her dear little brood!
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+At fifteen I was passionately fond of music, and declared to my father
+that I had made up my mind to be an artiste.
+
+My father was a man of great common sense and few words: he
+administered to me a sound thrashing, which had the desired effect of
+restoring my attentions to Cicero and Thucydides.
+
+It did not, however, altogether cure me of a certain yearning after
+literary glory.
+
+For many months I devoted the leisure, left me by Greek version and
+Latin verse, to the production of a drama in five acts and twelve
+tableaux.
+
+For that matter I was no exception to the rule. Every French school-boy
+has written, is writing, or will write a play.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+My drama was a highly moral one of the sensational class.
+Blood-curdling, horrible, terrible, savage, weird, human, fiendish,
+fascinating, irresistible--it was all that. I showed how, even in this
+world, crime, treachery, and falsehood, though triumphant for a time,
+must in the long run have their day of reckoning. Never did a modern
+Drury Lane audience see virtue more triumphant and vice more utterly
+confounded than the Parisians would have in my play, if only the
+theatrical directors had not been so stupid as to refuse my
+_chef-d'oeuvre_.
+
+For it was refused, inconceivable as it seemed to me at the time.
+
+The directors of French theatres are accustomed to send criticisms of
+the plays which "they regret to be unable to accept."
+
+The criticism I received from the director of the Ambigu Theatre was, I
+thought, highly encouraging.
+
+"My play," it appeared, "showed no experience of the stage; but it was
+full of well-conceived scenes and happy _mots_, and was written in
+excellent French. Horrors, however, were too piled up, and I seemed to
+have forgotten that spectators should be allowed time to take breath
+and wipe away their tears."
+
+I was finally advised not to kill all my _dramatis personæ_ in my next
+dramatic production, as it was customary for one of them to come
+forward and announce the name of the author at the end of the first
+performance.
+
+Although this little bit of advice appeared to me not altogether free
+from satire, there was in the letter more praise than I had expected,
+and I felt proud and happy. The letter was passed round in the
+class-room, commented upon in the playground, and I was so excited that
+I can perfectly well remember how I forgot to learn my repetition that
+day, and how I got forty lines of the _Ars Poetica_ to write out five
+times.
+
+What a take-down, this imposition upon a budding dramatic author!
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Examinations to prepare compelled me for some time to postpone all idea
+of astonishing the Paris playgoers with a "new and original" drama.
+
+I took my B.A. at the end of that year, and my B.Sc. at the end of the
+following one. Three years later I was leaving the military school with
+the rank of sub-lieutenant.
+
+My uniform was lovely; and if I had only had as much gold in my pockets
+as on my shoulders, sleeves, and breast, I think I ought to have been
+the happiest being on earth.
+
+The proudest day of a young French officer's life is the day on which
+he goes out in the street for the first time with all his ironmongery
+on, his moustache curled up, his cap on his right ear, his sabre in his
+left hand. The soldiers he meets salute him, the ladies seem to smile
+approvingly upon him; he feels like the conquering hero of the day; all
+is bright before him; battles only suggest to him victories and
+promotions.
+
+On the first day, his mother generally asks to accompany him, and takes
+his arm. Which is the prouder of the two? the young warrior, full of
+confidence and hope, or the dear old lady who looks at the passers-by
+with an air that says: "This is my son, ladies and gentlemen. As for
+you, young ladies, he can't have all of you, you know."
+
+Poor young officer! dear old mother! They little knew, in 1869, that in
+a few months one would be lying in a military hospital on a bed of
+torture, and the other would be wondering for five mortal months
+whether her dear and only child was dead, or prisoner in some German
+fortress.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the 19th of July, 1870, my regiment left Versailles for the Eastern
+frontier.
+
+As in these pages I simply intend to say how I came to make the
+acquaintance of English school-boys, it would be out of place, if not
+somewhat pretentious, to make use of my recollections of the
+Franco-Prussian War.
+
+Yet I cannot pass over two episodes of those troublous times.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was twelve years of age when I struck up a friendship with a young
+Pole, named Gajeski, who was in the same class with me. We became
+inseparable chums. Year after year we got promoted at the same time. We
+took our degrees on the same days, entered the military school in the
+same year, and received our commissions in the same regiment.
+
+We took a small _appartement de garçon_ at Versailles, and I shall
+never forget the delightful evenings we spent together while in
+garrison there. He was a splendid violinist, and I was a little of a
+pianist.
+
+Short, fair, and almost beardless, Gajeski was called the "Petit
+Lieutenant" by the soldiers, who all idolized him.
+
+At the battle of Wörth, after holding our ground from nine in the
+morning till five in the evening, against masses of Prussian troops six
+times as numerous as our own, we were ordered to charge the enemy, with
+some other cavalry regiments, in order to protect the retreat of the
+bulk of the army.
+
+A glance at the hill opposite convinced us that we were ordered to go
+to certain death.
+
+My dear friend grasped my hand, as he said with a sad smile: "We shall
+be lucky if we get our bones out of this, old fellow."
+
+Down the hill we went like the wind, through a shower of bullets and
+_mitraille_. Two minutes later, about two-thirds of the regiment
+reached the opposite ascent. We were immediately engaged in a desperate
+hand-to-hand fight. A scene of hellish confusion it was. But there,
+amidst the awful din of battle, I heard Gajeski's death-cry, as he fell
+from his horse three or four yards from me, and I saw a horrible gash
+on his fair young head.
+
+The poor boy had paid France for the hospitality she had extended to
+his father.
+
+I fought like a madman, seeing nothing but that dear mutilated face
+before my eyes. I say "like a madman," for it was not through courage
+or bravery. In a _mêlée_ you fight like a madman--like a savage.
+
+I had no brother, but he had been more than a brother to me. I had had
+no other companion or friend, but he was a friend of a thousand.
+
+Poor fellow!
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I had been in captivity in a stronghold on the Rhine for five months,
+when the preliminaries of peace were signed between France and Germany
+in January, 1871, and the French prisoners were sent back to their
+country.
+
+About five hundred of us were embarked at Hamburg on board one of the
+steamers of the Compagnie Transatlantique, and landed at Cherbourg.
+
+Finding myself near home, I immediately asked the general in command of
+the district for a few days' leave, to go and see my mother.
+
+Since the day I had been taken prisoner at Sedan (2d of September,
+1870), I had not received a single letter from her, as communications
+were cut off between the east and the west of France; and I learned
+later on that she had not received any of the numerous letters I had
+written to her from Germany.
+
+This part of Normandy had been fortunate enough to escape the horrors
+of war, but, for months, the inhabitants had had to lodge soldiers and
+militia-men.
+
+At five o'clock on a cold February morning, clothed, or rather covered,
+in my dirty, half-ragged uniform, I rang the bell at my mother's house.
+
+Our old servant appeared at the attic window, and inquired what I
+wanted.
+
+"Open the door," I cried; "I am dying of cold."
+
+"We can't lodge you here," she replied; "we have as many soldiers as we
+can accommodate--there is no room for you. Go to the Town Hall, they
+will tell you we are full."
+
+"_Sapristi_, my good Fanchette," I shouted, "don't you know me? How is
+mother?"
+
+"Ah! It is Monsieur!" she screamed. And she rushed down, filling the
+house with her cries: "Madame, madame, it is Monsieur; yes, I have seen
+him, he has spoken to me, it is Monsieur."
+
+A minute after I was in my mother's arms.
+
+Was it a dream?
+
+She looked at me wildly, touching my head to make sure I was at her
+side, in reality, alive; when she realized the truth she burst into
+tears, and remained speechless for some time. Such scenes are more
+easily imagined than described, and I would rather leave it to the
+reader to supply all the exclamations and interrogations that followed.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I could only spend two days at home, as my regiment was being organized
+in Paris, and I had to join it.
+
+On the 18th of March, 1871, the people of Paris, in possession of all
+the armament that had been placed in their hands to defend the French
+capital against the Prussians, proclaimed the Commune, and, probably
+out of a habit just lately got into by the French army, we retreated to
+Versailles, leaving Paris at the mercy of the Revolutionists.
+
+This is not the place to account for this revolution.
+
+An explanation of it, which always struck me as somewhat forcible, is
+the one given by a Communist prisoner to a captain, a friend of mine,
+who was at the time acting as _juge d'instruction_ to one of the
+Versailles courts-martial.
+
+"Why did you join the Commune?" he asked a young and
+intelligent-looking fellow who had been taken prisoner behind some
+barricade.
+
+"Well, captain, I can hardly tell you. We were very excited in Paris;
+in fact, off our heads with rage at having been unable to save Paris.
+We had a considerable number of cannon and ammunition, which we were
+not allowed to use against the Prussians. We felt like a sportsman who,
+after a whole day's wandering through the country, has not had an
+opportunity of discharging his gun at any game, and who, out of spite,
+shoots his dog, just to be able to say on returning home that he had
+killed something."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the 14th of April, 1871, my regiment received the order to attack
+the Neuilly bridge, a formidable position held by the Communists.
+
+What the Prussians had not done some compatriot of mine succeeded in
+doing. I fell severely wounded.
+
+After my spending five months in the Versailles military hospital, and
+three more at home in convalescence, the army surgeons declared that I
+should no longer be able to use my right arm for military purposes, and
+I was granted a lieutenant's pension, which would have been just
+sufficient to keep me in segars if I had been a smoker.
+
+But of this I do not complain. Poor France! she had enough to pay!
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the end of the year of grace, 1871, my position was very much like
+that of my beloved country: all seemed lost, _fors l'honneur_.
+
+Through my friends, however, I was soon offered a choice between two
+"social positions."
+
+The first was a colonel's commission in the Egyptian army (it seemed
+that the state of my right arm was no objection).
+
+I was to draw a very good salary. My friends in Cairo, however, warned
+me that salaries were not always paid very regularly, but sometimes
+allowed to run on till cash came into the Treasury. It was during the
+good times of Ismail Pacha. This made me a little suspicious that my
+salary might run on so fast that I should not be able to catch it.
+
+The other post offered me was that of London correspondent to an
+important Parisian newspaper.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I had had enough of military "glory" by this time. Yet the prospect of
+an adventurous life is always more or less fascinating at twenty-three
+years of age.
+
+Being the only child of a good widowed mother, I thought I would take
+her valuable advice on the subject.
+
+I am fortunate in having a mother full of common sense. With her French
+provincial ideas, she was rather startled to hear that a disabled
+lieutenant could all at once become an active colonel. She thought that
+somehow the promotion was too rapid.
+
+Alas! she, too, had had enough of military "glory."
+
+Her advice was to be followed, for it was formulated thus: "You speak
+English pretty well; we have a good many friends in England; accept the
+humbler offer, and go to England to earn an honest living."
+
+This is how I was not with Arabi Pacha on the wrong side at
+Tel-el-Kebir, and how it became my lot to make one day the acquaintance
+of the British school-boy of whom I shall have more to say by-and-by.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the 8th of July, 1872, I took the London train at the _Gare du
+Nord_, Paris.
+
+Many relations and friends came to the station to see me off. Some had
+been in England, some had read books on England, but all seemed to know
+a great deal about it. Advice, cautions, suggestions, were poured into
+my ears.
+
+"Be sure you go and see Madame Tussaud's to-morrow," said one.
+
+"Now," said another, "when you get to Charing Cross, don't fail to try
+and catch hold of a fellow-passenger's coat, and hold fast till you get
+to your hotel. The fog is so thick in the evening that the lamp-lights
+are of no use, you know."
+
+All information is valuable when you start for a foreign country. But I
+could not listen to more. Time was up.
+
+I shook hands with my friends and kissed my relations, including an
+uncle and two cousins of the sterner sex. This will sound strange to
+English or American ears. Well, it sounds just as strange to mine, now.
+
+I do not know that a long residence in England has greatly improved me
+(though my English friends say it has), but what I do know is, that I
+could not now kiss a man, even if he were a bequeathing uncle ready to
+leave me all his money.
+
+
+
+
+II.
+
+EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A FRENCHMAN IN SEARCH OF A SOCIAL POSITION
+IN ENGLAND.
+
+ARRIVAL AT CHARING CROSS.--I HAVE NOTHING TO DECLARE TO THE EXCISEMAN
+BUT LOW SPIRITS.--DIFFICULTY IN FINDING A GOOD RESIDENCE.--BOARD AND
+LODGING.--A HOUSE WITH CREEPERS.--THINGS LOOK BAD.--THINGS LOOK
+WORSE.--THINGS LOOK CHEERFUL.
+
+
+_8th July, 1872._
+
+8.30 P.M.--Landed at Folkestone. The London train is ready. The fog is
+very thick. I expected as much. My English traveling companions remark
+on it, and exclaim that "this is most unusual weather." This makes me
+smile.
+
+
+10.15 P.M.--The train crosses the Thames. We are in London. This is not
+my station, however, I am told. The train restarts almost immediately,
+and crosses the river again. Perhaps it takes me back to Paris. Hallo!
+how strange! the train crosses another river.
+
+"This is a town very much like Amsterdam," I say to my neighbor.
+
+He explains to me the round taken by the South-Eastern trains from
+Cannon Street to Charing Cross.
+
+
+10.25 P.M.--Charing Cross! At last, here I am. The luggage is on the
+platform. I recognize my trunk and portmanteau.
+
+A tall official addresses me in a solemn tone:
+
+"Have you any thing to declare?"
+
+"Not any thing."
+
+"No segars, tobacco, spirits?"
+
+"No segars, no tobacco."
+
+My spirits were so low that I thought it was useless to mention them.
+
+In France, in spite of this declaration of mine, my luggage would have
+been turned inside out. The sturdy Briton takes my word[1] and
+dismisses my luggage with:
+
+      [1] Things have changed in England since the dynamite scare.
+
+"All right. Take it away."
+
+
+11 P.M.--I alight at an hotel near the Strand. A porter comes to take
+my belongings.
+
+"I want a bedroom for the night," I say.
+
+"_Très bien, monsieur._"
+
+He speaks French. The hotel is French, too, I see.
+
+After a wash and brush-up, I come down to the dining-room for a little
+supper.
+
+I do not like the look of the company.
+
+They may be French, and this is a testimonial in their favor, but I am
+afraid it is the only one.
+
+Three facetious bagmen exercise their wit by puzzling the waiter with
+low French slang.
+
+I think I will remove from here to-morrow.
+
+I go to my bedroom, and try to open the window and have a look at the
+street. I discover the trick.
+
+How like guillotines are these English windows!
+
+I pull up the bottom part of mine, and look out. This threatening thing
+about my neck makes me uncomfortable. I withdraw.
+
+English windows are useful, no doubt, but it is evident that the people
+of this country do not use them to look out in the street and have a
+quiet chat _à la française_.
+
+Probably the climate would not allow it.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_9th July, 1872._
+
+A friend comes to see me. He shares my opinion of the French hotel,
+and will look for a comfortable apartment in an English house for me.
+We breakfast together, and I ask him a thousand questions.
+
+He knows every thing, it seems, and I gather valuable information
+rapidly.
+
+He prepares a programme of sight-seeing which it will take me a good
+many days to work through.
+
+The weather is glorious.
+
+My boxes are packed and ready to be removed--to-night, I hope.
+
+Will pay my first visit to the British Museum.
+
+I hail a cab in Regent Circus.
+
+"Is the British Museum far from here?" I cry to the man seated on a box
+behind.
+
+"No, sir; I will take you there for a shilling," he replies.
+
+"Oh! thank you; I think I will walk then."
+
+Cabby retires muttering a few sentences unintelligible to me. Only one
+word constantly occurring in his harangue can I remember.
+
+I open my pocket-dictionary.
+
+Good heavens! What have I said to the man? What has he taken me for?
+Have I used words conveying to his mind any intention of mine to take
+his precious life? Do I look ferocious? Why did he repeatedly call me
+_sanguinaire_? Must have this mystery cleared up.
+
+
+_10th July, 1872._
+
+An English friend sets my mind at rest about the little event of
+yesterday. He informs me that the adjective in question carries no
+meaning. It is simply a word that the lower classes have to place
+before each substantive they use in order to be able to understand each
+other.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_11th July, 1872._
+
+Have taken apartments in the neighborhood of Baker Street. My landlady,
+_qui frise ses cheveux et la cinquantaine_, enjoys the name of Tribble.
+She is a plump, tidy, and active-looking little woman.
+
+On the door there is a plate, with the inscription,
+
+    "J. Tribble, General Agent."
+
+Mr. Tribble, it seems, is not very much engaged in business.
+
+At home he makes himself useful.
+
+It was this gentleman, more or less typical in London, whom I had in my
+mind's eye as I once wrote:
+
+"The English social failure of the male sex not unfrequently entitles
+himself _General Agent_: this is the last straw he clutches at; if it
+should break, he sinks, and is heard of no more, unless his wife come
+to the rescue, by setting up a lodging-house or a boarding-school for
+young ladies. There, once more in smooth water, he wields the
+blacking-brush, makes acquaintance with the knife-board, or gets in the
+provisions. In allowing himself to be kept by his wife, he feels he
+loses some dignity; but if she should adopt any airs of superiority
+over him, he can always bring her to a sense of duty by beating her."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_12th July, 1872._
+
+Mr. Tribble helps take up my trunks. On my way to bed my landlady
+informs me that her room adjoins mine, and if I need any thing in the
+night I have only to ask for it.
+
+This landlady will be a mother to me, I can see.
+
+The bed reminds me of a night I passed in a cemetery, during the
+Commune, sleeping on a gravestone. I turn and toss, unable to get any
+rest.
+
+Presently I had the misfortune to hit my elbow against the mattress.
+
+A knock at the door.
+
+"Who is there?" I cry.
+
+"Can I get you any thing, sir? I hope you are not ill," says a voice
+which I recognize as that of my landlady.
+
+"No, why?"
+
+"I thought you knocked, sir."
+
+"No. Oh! I knocked my elbow against the mattress."
+
+"Ah! that's it. I beg your pardon."
+
+I shall be well attended here, at all events.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_13th July, 1872._
+
+The table here is not _recherché_; but twelve months' campaigning have
+made me tolerably easy to please.
+
+What would not the poor Parisians have given, during the Siege in 1870,
+for some of Mrs. Tribble's obdurate poultry and steaks!
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_19th July, 1872._
+
+I ask Mrs. Tribble for my bill.
+
+I received it immediately; it is a short and comprehensive one:
+
+                          £    _s._    _d._
+    Board and Lodging     5    5        0
+    Sundries              1   13        6
+                         ----------------
+    Total                £6   18        6
+
+I can understand "lodging"; but "board" is a new word to me. I like to
+know what it is I have to pay for, and I open my dictionary.
+
+"Board (subst.), _planche_."
+
+_Planche!_ Why does the woman charge me for a _planche_? Oh! I have
+it--that's the bed, of course.
+
+My dictionary does not enlighten me on the subject of "Sundries."
+
+I make a few observations to Mrs. Tribble on the week's bill. This lady
+explains to me that she has had great misfortunes, that Tribble hardly
+does any work, and does not contribute a penny toward the household
+expenses. When he has done a little stroke of business, he takes a
+holiday, and only reappears when his purse is empty.
+
+I really cannot undertake to keep Tribble in _dolce far niente_, and I
+give Mrs. Tribble notice to leave.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_20th July, 1872._
+
+9 A.M.--I read in this morning's paper the following advertisement:
+
+    "Residence, with or without board, for a gentleman, in a healthy
+    suburb of London. Charming house, with creepers, large garden;
+    cheerful home. Use of piano, etc."
+
+"Without board" is what I want. Must go and see the place.
+
+
+6 P.M.--I have seen the house with creepers, and engaged a bedroom and
+sitting-room. Will go there to-night. My bed is provided with a spring
+mattress. Won't I sleep to-night, that's all!
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_21st July, 1872._
+
+I remove my goods and chattels from the charming house. I found the
+creepers were inside.
+
+It will take me a long time to understand English, I am afraid.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_8th August, 1872._
+
+I examine my financial position. I came to England with fifty pounds;
+have been here thirty days, and have lived at the rate of a pound a
+day. My money will last me only twenty days longer. This seems to be a
+simple application of the rule of three.
+
+The thought that most Lord-Mayors have come to London with only
+half-a-crown in their pockets comforts me. Still I grow reflective.
+
+
+_25th September, 1872._
+
+I can see that the fee I receive for the weekly letter I send to my
+Parisian paper will not suffice to keep me. Good living is expensive in
+London. Why should I not reduce my expenses, and at the same time
+improve my English by teaching French in an English school as resident
+master? This would enable me to wait and see what turn events will
+take.
+
+I have used my letters of recommendation as a means of obtaining
+introductions in society, and my pride will not let me make use of them
+again for business.
+
+I will disappear for a time. When my English is more reliable, perhaps
+an examination will open the door of some good berth to me.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_3rd October, 1872._
+
+Received this morning an invitation to be present at a meeting of the
+Teachers' Association.
+
+Came with a friend to the Society of Arts, where the meeting is held in
+a beautiful hall, and presided over by Canon Barry.
+
+What a graceful and witty speaker!
+
+He addresses to private school-masters a few words on their duty.
+
+"Yours," he says, "is not only a profession, it is a vocation, I had
+almost said a ministry" (hear, hear), "and the last object of yours
+should be to make money."
+
+This last sentence is received with rapturous applause. The chairman
+has evidently expressed the feeling of the audience.
+
+The Canon seems to enjoy himself immensely.
+
+Beautiful sentiments! I say to myself. Who will henceforth dare say
+before me, in France, that England is not a disinterested nation? Yes,
+I will be a school-master; it is a noble profession.
+
+A discussion takes place on the merits of private schools. A good deal
+of abuse is indulged in at the expense of the public schools.
+
+I inquire of my friend the reason why.
+
+My friend is a sceptic. He says that the public schools are overflowing
+with boys, and that if they did not exist, many of these private
+school-masters would make their fortune.
+
+I bid him hold his wicked tongue. He ought to be ashamed of himself.
+
+The meeting is over. The orators, with their speeches in their hands,
+besiege the press reporters' table. I again apply to my friend for the
+explanation of this.
+
+He tells me that these gentlemen are trying to persuade the reporters
+to insert their speeches in their notes, in the hope that they will be
+reproduced in to-morrow's papers, and thus advertise their names and
+schools.
+
+My friend is incorrigible. I will ask him no more questions.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_4th October, 1872._
+
+There will be some people disappointed this morning, if I am to believe
+what my friend said yesterday. I have just read the papers. Under the
+heading "Meeting of the Teachers' Association," I see a long report of
+yesterday's proceedings at the Society of Arts. Canon Barry's speech
+alone is reproduced.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_24th May, 1873._
+
+For many months past, M. Thiers has carried the Government with his
+resignation already signed in his frockcoat pocket.
+
+"Gentlemen," he has been wont to say in the Houses of Parliament, "such
+is my policy. If you do not approve it, you know that I do not cling to
+power; my resignation is here in my pocket, and I am quite ready to lay
+it on the table if you refuse me a vote of confidence."
+
+I always thought that he would use this weapon once too often.
+
+A letter, just received from Paris, brings me the news of his overthrow
+and the proclamation of Marshal MacMahon as President of the Republic.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_28th May, 1873._
+
+The editor of the French paper, of which I have been the London
+correspondent for a few months, sends me a check, with the sad
+intelligence that one of the first acts of the new Government has been
+to suppress our paper.
+
+Things are taking a gloomy aspect, and no mistake.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_12th June, 1873._
+
+To return to France at once would be a retreat, a defeat. I will not
+leave England, at any rate, before I can speak English correctly and
+fluently. I could manage this when a child; it ought not to take me
+very long to be able to do the same now.
+
+I pore over the _Times_ educational advertisements every day.
+
+Have left my name with two scholastic agents.
+
+
+_25th June, 1873._
+
+I have put my project into execution, and engaged myself in a school in
+Somersetshire.
+
+The post is not a brilliant one, but I am told that the country is
+pretty, my duties light, and that I shall have plenty of time for
+reading.
+
+I buy a provision of English books, and mean to work hard.
+
+In the mean time, I write to my friends in France that I am getting on
+swimmingly.
+
+I have always been of the opinion that you should run the risk of
+exciting the envy rather than the pity of your friends, when you have
+made up your mind not to apply to them for a five-pound note.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+(M----, Somerset.) _2d August, 1873._
+
+Arrived here yesterday. Find I am the only master, and expected to make
+myself generally useful. My object is to practice my English, and I am
+prepared to overlook many annoyances.
+
+Woke up this (Sunday) morning feeling pains all over. Compared to this,
+my bed at Mrs. Tribble's was one of roses. I look round. In the corner
+I see a small washstand. A chair, a looking-glass six inches square
+hung on the wall, and my trunk, make up the furniture.
+
+I open the window. It is raining a thick, drizzling rain. Not a soul in
+the road. A most solemn, awful solitude. Horrible! I make haste to
+dress. From a little cottage, on the other side of the road, the
+plaintive sounds of a harmonium reach me. I sit on my bed and look at
+my watch. Half an hour to wait for my breakfast. The desolate room,
+this outlook from the window, the whole accompanied by the hymn on the
+harmonium, are enough to drive me mad. Upon my word, I believe I feel
+the corner of my eye wet. Cheer up, boy! No doubt this is awful, but
+better times will come. Good heavens! You are not banished from France.
+With what pleasure your friends will welcome you back in Paris! In nine
+hours, for a few shillings, you can be on the Boulevards.
+
+Breakfast is ready. It consists of tea and bread and butter, the whole
+honored by the presence of Mr. and Mrs. R. I am told that I am to take
+the boys to church. I should have much preferred to go alone.
+
+On the way to church we met three young ladies--the Squire's daughters,
+the boys tell me. They look at me with a kind of astonishment that
+seems to me mixed with scorn. This is probably my fancy. Every body I
+meet seems to be laughing at me.
+
+
+_20th August, 1873._
+
+Am still at M., teaching a little French and learning a good deal of
+English.
+
+Mrs. R. expresses her admiration for my fine linen, and my wardrobe is
+a wonder to her. From her remarks, I can see she has taken a peep
+inside my trunk.
+
+Received this morning a letter from a friend in Paris. The dear fellow
+is very proud of his noble ancestors, and his notepaper and envelopes
+are ornamented with his crest and crown. The letter is handed to me by
+Mrs. R., who at the same time throws a significant glance at her
+husband. I am a mysterious person in her eyes, that is evident. She
+expresses her respect by discreetly placing a boiled egg on my plate at
+breakfast. This is an improvement, and I return thanks _in petto_ to my
+noble friend in Paris.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_22nd August, 1873._
+
+Whatever may be Mr. R.'s shortcomings, he knows how to construct a
+well-filled time-table.
+
+I rise at six.
+
+From half-past six to eight I am in the class-room seeing that the boys
+prepare their lessons.
+
+At eight I partake of a frugal breakfast.
+
+From half-past eight till half-past nine I take the boys for a walk.
+
+From half-past nine till one I teach more subjects than I feel
+competent to do, but I give satisfaction.
+
+At one I dine.
+
+At five minutes to two I take a bell, and go in the fields, ringing as
+hard as I can to call the boys in.
+
+From two to four I teach more subjects than--(I said that before).
+
+After tea I take the boys for a second walk.
+
+My evenings are mine, and I devote them to study.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_23rd August, 1873._
+
+Mr. R. proposes that I should teach two or three new subjects. I am
+ready to comply with his wishes; but I sternly refuse to teach _la
+valse à trois temps_.
+
+He advises me to cane the boys. This also I refuse to do.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_15th September, 1873._
+
+I cannot stand this life any longer. I will return to France if things
+do not take a brighter turn.
+
+I leave Mr. R. and his "Dotheboys Hall."
+
+At the station I meet the clergyman. He had more than once spoken to me
+a few kind words. He asks me where I am going.
+
+"To London, and to Paris next, I hope," I reply.
+
+"Are you in a hurry to go back?"
+
+"Not particularly; but----"
+
+"Well, will you do my wife and myself the pleasure of spending a few
+days with us at the Vicarage? We shall be delighted if you will."
+
+"With all my heart."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_25th September, 1873._
+
+Have spent a charming week at the Vicarage--a lovely country-house,
+where for the first time I have seen what real English life is.
+
+I have spoken to my English friend of my prospects, and he expresses
+his wonder that I do not make use of the letters of recommendation that
+I possess, as they would be sure to secure a good position for me.
+
+"Are not important posts given by examination in this country?" I
+exclaimed.
+
+But he informs me that such is not the case; that these posts are
+given, at elections, to the candidates who are bearers of the best
+testimonials.
+
+The information is most valuable, and I will act upon my friend's
+advice.
+
+My visit has been as pleasant as it has been useful.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_12th January, 1874._
+
+A vacancy occurred lately in one of the great public schools. I sent in
+my application, accompanied by my testimonials.
+
+Have just received an official intimation that I am elected head-master
+of the French school at St. Paul's.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_14th January, 1874._
+
+One piece of good luck never comes alone.
+
+I am again appointed London correspondent to one of the principal Paris
+papers.
+
+_Allons, me voilà sauvé!_
+
+
+
+
+III.
+
+I MAKE THE ACQUAINTANCE OF PUBLIC SCHOOL BOYS.--"WHEN I WAS A LITTLE
+BOY."--AN AWFUL MOMENT.--A SIMPLE THEORY.--I SCORE A SUCCESS.
+
+
+I am not quite sure that the best qualification for a school-master is
+to have been a very good boy.
+
+I never had great admiration for very good boys. I always suspected,
+when they were too good, that there was something wrong.
+
+When I was at school, and my master would go in for the recitation of
+the litany of all the qualities and virtues he possessed when a
+boy--how good, how dutiful, how obedient, how industrious he was--I
+would stare at him, and think to myself: How glad that man must be he
+is no longer a boy!
+
+"No, my dear little fellows, your master was just like you when he was
+mamma's little boy. He shirked his work whenever he could; he used to
+romp and tear his clothes if he had a chance, and was far from being
+too good for this world; and if he was not all that, well, I am only
+sorry for him, that's all."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I believe that the man who thoroughly knows all the resources of the
+mischievous little army he has to fight and rule is better qualified
+and prepared for the struggle.
+
+We have in French an old proverb that says: "It's no use trying to
+teach an old monkey how to make faces."
+
+The best testimonial in favor of a school-master is that the boys
+should be able to say of him: "It's no use trying this or that with
+him; he always knows what we are up to."
+
+How is he to know what his pupils are "up to" if he has not himself
+been "up to" the same tricks and games?
+
+The base of all strategy is the perfect knowledge of all the roads of
+the country in which you wage war.
+
+To be well up in all the ways and tricks of boys is to be aware of all
+the moves of the enemy.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is an awful moment when, for the first time, you take your seat in
+front of forty pairs of bright eyes that are fixed upon you, and seem
+to say:
+
+"Well, what shall it be? Do you think you can keep us in order, or are
+we going to let you have a lively time of it?"
+
+All depends on this terrible moment. Your life will be one of comfort,
+and even happiness, or one of utter wretchedness.
+
+Strike the first blow and win, or you will soon learn that if you do
+not get the better of the lively crew they will surely get the better
+of you.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was prepared for the baptism of fire.
+
+I even had a little theory that had once obtained for me the good
+graces of a head-master.
+
+This gentleman informed me that the poor fellow I was going to replace
+had shot himself in despair of being ever able to keep his boys in
+order, and he asked me what I thought of it.
+
+"Well," I unhesitatingly answered, "I would have shot the boys."
+
+"Right!" he exclaimed; "you are my man."
+
+If, as I strongly suspected from certain early reminiscences, to have
+been a mischievous boy was a qualification for being a good
+school-master, I thought I ought to make a splendid one.
+
+The result of my first interview with British boys was that we
+understood each other perfectly. We were to make a happy family. That
+was settled in a minute by a few glances at each other.
+
+
+
+
+IV.
+
+THE "GENUS" BOY.--THE ONLY ONE I OBJECT TO.--WHAT BOYS WORK FOR.
+
+
+Boys lose their charm when they get fifteen or sixteen years of age.
+The clever ones, no doubt, become more interesting to the teacher, but
+they no longer belong to the _genus_ boy that you love for his very
+defects as much as for his good qualities.
+
+I call "boys" that delightful, lovable race of young scamps from eleven
+to fourteen years old. At that age all have redeeming points, and all
+are lovable. I never objected to any, except perhaps to those who aimed
+at perfection, especially the ones who were successful in their
+efforts.
+
+For my part, I like a boy with a redeeming fault or two.
+
+By "boys" I mean little fellows who manage, after a game of football,
+to get their right arm out of order, that they may be excused writing
+their exercises for a week or so; who do not work because they have an
+examination to prepare, but because you offer them an inducement to do
+so, whether in the shape of rewards, or maybe something less pleasant
+you may keep in your cupboard.
+
+
+
+
+V.
+
+SCHOOL BOYS I HAVE MET.--PROMISING BRITONS.--SLY-BOOTS.--TOO GOOD FOR
+THIS WORLD.--"NO, THANKS, WE MAKES IT."--FRENCH DICTIONARIES.--A
+NAUGHTY BOY.--MOTHERS' PETS.--DIRTY BUT BEAUTIFUL.--JOHN BULLY.--HIGH
+COLLARS AND BRAINS.--DICTATION AND ITS TRIALS.--NOT TO BE TAKEN
+IN.--UNLUCKY BOYS.--THE USE OF TWO EARS.--A BOY WITH ONE IDEA.--MASTER
+WHIRLIGIG.--THE INFLUENCE OF ATHLETICS.--A GOOD SITUATION.--A SHREWD
+BOY OF BUSINESS.--MASTER ALGERNON CADWALADR SMYTH, AND OTHER TYPICAL
+SCHOOLBOYS.
+
+
+Master Johnny Bull is a good little boy who sometimes makes slips in
+his exercises, but mistakes--never.
+
+He occasionally forgets his lesson, but he always "knows" it.
+
+"Do you know your lesson?" you will ask him.
+
+"Yes, sir," he will reply.
+
+"But you can't say it."
+
+"Please, sir, I forget it now."
+
+Memory is his weak point. He has done his best, whatever the result may
+be. Last night he knew his lesson perfectly; the proof is that he said
+it to his mother, and that the excellent lady told him he knew it very
+well. Again this morning, as he was in the train coming to school, he
+repeated it to himself, and he did not make one mistake. He knows he
+didn't.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If he has done but two sentences of his home work, "he is afraid" he
+has not quite finished his exercise.
+
+"But, my dear boy, you have written but two sentences."
+
+"Is that all?" he will inquire.
+
+"That is all."
+
+"Please, sir, I thought I had done more than that." And he looks at it
+on all sides, turns it to the right, to the left, upside down; he reads
+it forwards, he reads it backwards. No use; he can't make it out.
+
+All at once, however, he will remember that he had a bad headache last
+night, or maybe a bilious attack.
+
+The bilious attack is to the English schoolboy what the _migraine_ is
+to the dear ladies of France: a good maid-of-all-work.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sometimes my young hero brings no exercise at all. It has slipped, in
+the train, from the book in which he had carefully placed it, or there
+is a crack in his locker, and the paper slipped through. You order
+excavations to be made, and the exercise has vanished like magic.
+Johnny wonders.
+
+"Perhaps the mice ate it!" you are wicked enough to suggest.
+
+This makes him smile and blush. He generally collapses before a remark
+like this.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+But if he has a good excuse, behold him!
+
+"I could not do my exercise last night," said to me one day a young
+Briton. It was evident from his self-satisfied and confident assurance
+that he had a good answer ready for my inquiry.
+
+"You couldn't," I said; "why?"
+
+"Please, sir, grandmamma died last night!"
+
+"Oh! did she? Well, well--I hope this won't happen again."
+
+This put me in mind of the boy who, being reproached for his many
+mistakes in his translation, pleaded:
+
+"Please, sir, it isn't my fault. Papa _will_ help me."
+
+An English schoolboy never tells stories--never.
+
+A mother once brought her little son to the head-master of a great
+public school.
+
+"I trust my son will do honor to the school," she said; "he is a good,
+industrious, clever, and trustworthy boy. He never told a story in his
+life."
+
+"Oh! madam, boys never do," replied the head-master.
+
+The lady left, somewhat indignant. Did the remark amount to her
+statement being disbelieved, or to an affirmation that her boy was no
+better than other boys?
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of course every mother is apt to think that her Johnny or Jenny is
+nature's highest utterance. But for blind, unreasoning adoration,
+commend me to a fond grandmamma.
+
+The first time I took my child on a visit to my mother in dear old
+Brittany, grandmamma received compliments enough on the subject of the
+"lovely petite blonde" to turn her head. But it did not want much
+turning, I must say. One afternoon, my wife was sitting with Miss Baby
+on her lap, and grandmamma, after devouring the child with her eyes for
+a few moments, said to us:
+
+"You are two very sensible parents. Some people are so absurd about
+their babies! Take Madame T., for instance. She was here this morning,
+and really, to hear her talk, one would think that child of hers was an
+angel of beauty--that there never was such another."
+
+"Well, but, grandmamma," said my wife, "you know yourself that you are
+forever discoursing of the matchless charms of our baby to your
+friends."
+
+"Ah!" cried the dear old lady, as serious as a judge; "but that's quite
+different; in our case it's all true."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you ever hope to find the British schoolboy at fault, your life will
+be a series of disappointments. Judge for yourself.
+
+I (once): "Well, Brown, you bring no exercise this morning. How is
+that?"
+
+PROMISING BRITON: "Please, sir, you said yesterday that we were to do
+the 17th exercise."
+
+I (inquiringly): "Well?"
+
+P. B. (looking sad): "Please, sir, Jones said to me, last night, that
+it was the 18th exercise we were to do."
+
+I (surprised): "But, my dear boy, you do not bring me any exercise at
+all."
+
+P. B. (looking good): "Please, sir, I was afraid to do the wrong one."
+
+Dear, dear child! the thought of doing wrong but once was too much for
+him! I shall always have it heavy on my conscience to have rewarded
+this boy's love of what is right by calling upon him to write out each
+of those exercises five times.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+That thick-necked boy, whom you see there on the front row aiming at
+looking very good, and whom his schoolfellows are wicked and
+disrespectful enough to surname "Potted Angel," is sad and sour. His
+eyes are half open, his tongue seems to fill his mouth, and to speak,
+or rather to jerk out the words, he has to let it hang out. His mouth
+moves sideways like that of a ruminant; you would imagine he was
+masticating a piece of tough steak. He blushes, and never looks at you,
+except on the sly, with an uncomfortable grin, when your head is turned
+away. It seems to give him pain to swallow, and you would think he was
+suffering from some internal complaint.
+
+This, perhaps, can be explained. The conscience lies just over the
+stomach, if I am to trust boys when they say they put their hands on
+their conscience. Let this conscience be heavily loaded, and there you
+have the explanation of the grumbling ailment that disturbs the boy in
+the lower regions of his anatomy.
+
+To be good is all right, but you must not over-do it. This boy is
+beyond competition, a standing reproach, an insult to the rest of the
+class.
+
+You are sorry to hear, on asking him what he intends to be, that he
+means to be a missionary. His face alone will be worth £500 a year in
+the profession. Thinking that I have prepared this worthy for
+missionary work, I feel, when asked what I think of missionaries, like
+the jam-maker's little boy who is offered jam and declines, pleading:
+
+"No, thanks--we makes it."
+
+I have great respect for missionaries, but I have always strongly
+objected to boys who make up their minds to be missionaries before they
+are twelve years old.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some good, straightforward boys are wholly destitute of humor. One of
+them had once to put into French the following sentence of Charles
+Dickens: "Mr. Squeers had but one eye, and the popular prejudice runs
+in favor of two." He said he could not put this phrase into French,
+because he did not know what it meant in English.
+
+"Surely, sir," he said to me, "it is not a prejudice to prefer two eyes
+to one."
+
+This boy was wonderfully good at facts, and his want of humor did not
+prevent him from coming out of Cambridge senior classic, after
+successfully taking his B.A. and M.A. in the University of London.
+
+This young man, I hear, is also going to be a missionary. The news goes
+far to reconcile me to the noble army of John Bull's colonizing agents,
+but I doubt whether the heathen will ever get much entertainment out of
+him.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some boys can grasp grammatical facts and succeed in writing a decent
+piece of French; but, through want of literary perception, they will
+give you a sentence that will make you feel proud of them until you
+reach the end, when, bang! the last word will have the effect of a
+terrible bump on your nose.
+
+A boy of this category had to translate this other sentence of
+Dickens:[2] "She went back to her own room, and tried to prepare
+herself for bed. But who could sleep? Sleep!"[3]
+
+      [2] "The Old Curiosity Shop."
+
+      [3] Here I have to make a painful confession. I have actually
+      acceded to a request from my American publishers, men wholly
+      destitute of humor, to supply the reader with a translation of
+      the few French sentences used in this little volume. This
+      monument of my weakness will be found at the end.
+
+His translation ran thus: "Elle se retira dans sa chambre, et fit ses
+préparatifs pour se coucher. Mais qui aurait pu dormir? _Sommeil!_"
+
+I caught that boy napping one day.
+
+"Vous dormez, mon ami?... _Sommeil_, eh?" I cried.
+
+The remark was enjoyed. There is so much charity in the hearts of boys!
+
+Another boy had to translate a piece of Carlyle's "French Revolution":
+"'Their heads shall fall within a fortnight,' croaks the people's
+friend (Marat), clutching his tablets to write----Charlotte Corday has
+drawn her knife from the sheath; plunges it, with one sure stroke, into
+the writer's heart."
+
+The end of this powerful sentence ran thus in the translation:
+"Charlotte Corday a tiré son poignard de la gaîne, et d'une main sûre,
+elle le plonge dans le coeur de _celui qui écrivait_."
+
+When I remonstrated with the dear fellow, he pulled his dictionary out
+of his desk, and triumphantly pointed out to me:
+
+"WRITER (substantive), _celui qui écrit_."
+
+And all the time his look seemed to say:
+
+"What do you think of that? You may be a very clever man; but surely
+you do not mean to say that you know better than a dictionary!"
+
+Oh, the French dictionary, that treacherous friend of boys!
+
+The lazy ones take the first word of the list, sometimes the figurative
+pronunciation given in the English-French part.
+
+Result: "_I have a key_"--"_J'ai un ki_."
+
+The shrewd ones take the last word, to make believe they went through
+the whole list.
+
+Result: "_A chest of drawers_"--"_Une poitrine de caleçons_."
+
+The careless ones do not take the right part of speech they want.
+
+Result: "_He felt_"--"_Il feutra_"; "_He left_"--"_Il gaucha_."
+
+With my experience of certain French dictionaries published in England,
+I do not wonder that English boys often trust in Providence for the
+choice of words, although I cannot help thinking that as a rule they
+are most unlucky.
+
+Very few boys have good dictionaries at hand. I know that Smith and
+Hamilton's dictionary (in two volumes) costs twenty shillings. But what
+is twenty shillings to be helped all through one's coaching? About the
+price of a good lawn-tennis racket.
+
+I have seen boys show me, with a radiant air, a French dictionary they
+had bought for six-pence.
+
+They thought they had made a bargain.
+
+Oh, free trade! Oh, the cheapest market!
+
+Sixpence for that dictionary! That was not very expensive, I own--but
+it was terribly dear.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+When an English boy is about to write out his French exercise, he
+invariably begins by heading the copy
+
+    "FRENCH,"
+
+written with his best hand, on the first line.
+
+This is to avoid any misunderstanding about the language he is going to
+use.
+
+I have often felt grateful for that title.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Children are very great at titles and inscriptions.
+
+Give them a little penny pocket-book, and their keen sense of ownership
+will make them go straightway and write their name and address on the
+first page. When this is done, they will entitle the book, and write on
+the top of each page: "Memorandum Book."
+
+When I was at school, we French boys used to draw, on the back of the
+cover of our books, a merry-Andrew and a gibbet, with the inscription:
+
+    "Aspice Pierrot pendu,
+    Quod librum n'a pas rendu.
+    Si librum redidisset,
+    Pierrot pendu non fuisset."
+
+I came across the following lines on some English boys' books:
+
+    "Don't steal this book for fear of shame,
+    For here you see the owner's name;
+    Or, when you die, the Lord will say:
+    'Where is that book you stole away?'"
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Boys' minds are like a certain place not mentioned in geographies: they
+are paved with good intentions. Before they begin their work, they
+choose their best nib (which always takes some time). This done, they
+carefully write their name and the title of the exercise. FRENCH looks
+magnificent. They evidently mean to do well. The first sentence is
+generally right and well written. In the second you perceive signs of
+flagging; it then gets worse and worse till the end, which is not
+legible. Judge for yourself, here is a specimen. It collapses with a
+blot half licked off.
+
+Master H. W. S.'s flourish after his signature is not, as you see, a
+masterpiece of calligraphy; but it is not intended to be so. It is
+simply an overflow of relief and happiness at the thought that his
+exercise is finished.
+
+Translate the flourish by--
+
+    "Done!!!"
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+H. W. S. is not particularly lucky with his genders. Fortunately for
+him, the French language possesses no neuter nouns, so that sometimes
+he hits on the right gender. For this he asks no praise. Providence
+alone is to be thanked for it.
+
+Once he had to translate: "His conduct was good." He first put _sa
+conduite_. After this effort in the right direction, his conscience was
+satisfied, and he added, _était bon_. Why? Because an adjective is
+longer in the feminine than in the masculine, and with him and his like
+the former gender stands very little chance.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I remember two very strange boys. They were not typical, I am happy to
+say.
+
+When the first of them was on, his ears would flap and go on flapping
+like the gills of a fish, till he had either answered the question or
+given up trying, when they would lie at rest flat against his head. If
+I said to him sharply: "Well, my boy, speak up; I can't hear," his ears
+would start flapping more vigorously than ever. Sometimes he would turn
+his eyes right over, to see if he could not find the answer written
+somewhere inside his head. This boy could set the whole of his scalp in
+motion, bring his hair right down to his eyes, and send it back again
+without the least difficulty. These performances were simply wonderful.
+The boys used to watch him with an interest that never flagged, and
+more than once I was near losing my countenance.
+
+One day this poor lad fell in the playground, and cut his head open. We
+were all anxious to ascertain what it was he had inside his head that
+he always wanted to get at. The doctor found nothing remarkable in it.
+
+The other boy was a fearful stammerer. The manner in which he managed
+to get help for his speech is worth relating. Whenever he had to read a
+piece of French aloud, he would utter the letter "F" before each French
+word, and they would positively come out easily. The letter "F" being
+the most difficult letter for stammerers to pronounce, I always
+imagined that he thought he would be all right with any sound, if he
+could only say "F" first.
+
+He was successful.
+
+A boy with whom you find it somewhat difficult to get on is the
+diffident one who always believes that the question you ask him is a
+"catch." He is constantly on guard, and surrounds the easiest question
+with inextricable difficulties. It is his misfortune to know that rules
+have exceptions, and he never suspects that it would enter your head to
+ask him for the illustration of a general rule.
+
+He knows, for instance, that nouns ending in _al_ form their plural
+by changing _al_ into _aux_; but if you ask him for the plural of
+_général_, he will hesitate a long while, and eventually answer you,
+_générals_.
+
+"Do you mean to say, my boy, that you do not know how to form the
+plural of nouns in _al_?"
+
+"Yes, sir, but I thought _général_ was an exception."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I pass over the wit who, being asked for the plural of _égal_,
+answered, "two gals."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+A diverting little boy in the class-room is the one who always thinks
+"he has got it." It matters little to him what the question is, he has
+not heard the end of it when he lifts his hand to let you know he is
+ready.
+
+"What is the future of _savoir_?"
+
+"Please, sir, I know: _je savoirai_."
+
+"Sit down, you ignoramus."
+
+And he resumes his seat to sulk until you give him another chance. He
+wonders how it is you don't like his answers. His manner is generally
+affable; you see at once in him a mother's pet who is much admired at
+home, and thinks he is not properly appreciated at school.
+
+Mother's pets are to be recognized at a glance. They are always clean
+and tidy in face and person. Unfortunately they often part their hair
+in the middle.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Such is not the testimonial that can be given to young H. He spends an
+hour and a pint of ink over every exercise.
+
+He writes very badly.
+
+To obtain a firm hold of his pen, he grasps the nib with the ends of
+his five fingers. I sometimes think he must use his two hands at once.
+He plunges the whole into the inkstand every second or two, and
+withdraws it dripping. He is smeared with ink all over; he rubs his
+hands in it, he licks it, he loves it, he sniffs it, he revels in it.
+He wishes he could drink it, and the ink-stands were wide enough for
+him to get his fist right into it.
+
+This boy is a most clever little fellow. When you can see his eyes,
+they are sparkling with mischief and intelligence. A beautiful, dirty
+face; a lovely boy, though an "unwashed."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+A somewhat objectionable boy, although he is not responsible for his
+shortcomings, is the one who has been educated at home up to twelve or
+fourteen years of age.
+
+Before you can garnish his brain, you have to sweep it. You have to
+replace the French of his nursery governess--who has acquired it on the
+_Continong_--by a serious knowledge of _avoir_ and _être_.
+
+He comes to school with a testimonial from his mother, who is a good
+French scholar, to the effect that he speaks French fluently.
+
+You ask him for the French of
+
+    "_It is twelve o'clock_,"
+
+and he answers with assurance:
+
+    "_C'est douze heures_."
+
+You ask him next for the French of
+
+    "_How do you do?_"
+
+and he tells you:
+
+    "_Comment ça va-t-il?_"
+
+You call upon him to spell it, and he has no hesitation about it:
+"_Comment savaty_?"
+
+You then test his knowledge of grammar by asking him the future of
+_vouloir_, and you immediately obtain: "_Je voulerai_."
+
+You tell him that his French is very shaky, and you decide on putting
+him with the beginners.
+
+The following day you find a letter awaiting you at school. It is from
+his indignant mother. She informs you that she fears her little boy
+will not learn much in the class you have put him in. He ought to be in
+one of the advanced classes. He has read Voltaire[4] and can speak
+French.
+
+      [4] Poor little chap!
+
+She knows he can, she heard him at Boulogne, and he got on very well.
+The natives there had no secrets for him; he could understand all they
+said.
+
+You feel it to be your duty not to comply with the lady's wishes, and
+you have made a bitter enemy to yourself and the school.
+
+This boy never takes for granted the truth of the statements you make
+in the class-room. What you say may be all right; but when he gets home
+he will ask his mamma if it is all true.
+
+He is fond of arguing, and has no sympathy with his teacher. He tries
+to find him at fault.
+
+A favorite remark of his is this:
+
+"Please, sir, you said the other day that so-and-so was right. Why do
+you mark a mistake in my exercise to-day?"
+
+You explain to him why he is wrong, and he goes back to his seat
+grumbling. He sees he is wrong; but he is not cured. He hopes to be
+more lucky next time.
+
+When you meet his mother, she asks you what you think of the boy.
+
+"A very nice boy indeed," you say; "only I sometimes wish he had more
+confidence in me; he is rather fond of arguing."
+
+"Oh!" she exclaims, "I know that. Charley will never accept a statement
+before he has discussed it and thoroughly investigated it."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+As a set-off for Charley, there is the boy who has a blind confidence
+in you. All you say is gospel to him, and if you were to tell him that
+the French word _voisin_ is pronounced _kramshaka_, he would
+unhesitatingly say _kramshaka_.
+
+Nothing astonishes him; he has taken for his motto the _Nil admirari_
+of Horace. He would see three circumflex accents on the top of a vowel
+without lifting his eyebrows. He is none of the inquiring and
+investigating sort.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another specimen of the Charley type is the one who has been coached
+for the public school in a Preparatory School for the Sons of
+Gentlemen, kept by ladies.
+
+This boy has always been well treated. He is fat, rubicund, and unruly.
+His linen is irreproachable. The ladies told him he was good-looking,
+and his hair, which he parts into two _ailes de pigeon_, is the subject
+of his incessant care.
+
+He does not become "a man" until his comrades have bullied him into a
+good game of Rugby football.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the last bench, right in the corner, you can see young Bully. He
+does not seek after light, he is not an ambitious boy, and the less
+notice you take of him the better he is pleased. His father says he is
+a backward boy. Bully is older and taller than the rest of the class.
+For form's sake you are obliged to request him to bring his work, but
+you have long ago given up all hope of ever teaching him any thing. He
+is quiet and unpretending in class, and too sleepy to be up to
+mischief. He trusts that if he does not disturb your peace you will not
+disturb his. When a little boy gives you a good answer, it arouses his
+scorn, and he not uncommonly throws at him a little smile of
+congratulation. If you were not a good disciplinarian, he would go and
+give him a pat on the back, but this he dares not do.
+
+When you bid him stand up and answer a question, he begins by leaning
+on his desk. Then he gently lifts his hinder part, and by slow degrees
+succeeds in getting up the whole mass. He hopes that by this time you
+will have passed him and asked another boy to give you the answer. He
+is not jealous, and will bear no ill-will to the boy who gives you a
+satisfactory reply.
+
+If you insist on his standing up and giving sign of life, he frowns,
+loosens his collar, which seems to choke him, looks at the floor, then
+at the ceiling, then at you. Being unable to utter a sound, he frowns
+more, to make you believe that he is very dissatisfied with himself.
+
+"I know the answer," he seems to say; "how funny, I can't recollect it
+just now."
+
+As you cannot waste any more time about him, you pass him; a ray of
+satisfaction flashes over his face, and he resumes his corner hoping
+for peace.
+
+The little boys dare not laugh at him, for he is the terror of the
+playground, where he takes his revenge of the class-room.
+
+His favorite pastime in the playground is to teach little boys how to
+play marbles. They bring the marbles, he brings his experience. When
+the bell rings to call the boys to the class-rooms, he has got many
+marbles, the boys a little experience.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of my pet aversions is the young boy who arrays[5] himself in
+stand-up collars and white merino cravats.
+
+      [5] Being a little bit of a philologist, I assume this verb comes
+      from the common (very common) noun, _'Arry_.
+
+George Eliot, I believe, says somewhere that there never was brain
+inside a red-haired head. I think she was mistaken. I have known very
+clever boys with red hair.
+
+But what I am positive about is that there is no brain on the top of
+boys ornamented with stand-up collars.
+
+Young Bully wears them. He comes to school with his stick, and whenever
+you want a match to light the gas with he can always supply you, and
+feels happy he is able for once to oblige you.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+In some boys I have often deplored the presence of two ears. What you
+impart through one immediately escapes through the other. Explain to
+them a rule once a week, they will always enjoy hearing it again. It
+will always be new to them. Their lives will ever be a series of
+enchantments and surprises.
+
+You must persevere, and repeat things to them a hundred times, if
+ninety-nine will not do. Who knows there is not a John Wesley among
+them?
+
+"I remember," once said this celebrated divine, "hearing my father say
+to my mother: 'How could you have the patience to tell that blockhead
+the same thing twenty times over?' 'Why,' said she, 'if I had told him
+only nineteen times, I should have lost all my labor.'"
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am not sure that the boy with only one ear is not still more
+tiresome. He always turns his deaf ear to you, and makes his little
+infirmity pay. "He is afraid he did not quite hear you, when you set
+the work yesterday." For my part, I met the difficulty by having desks
+placed each side of my chair. On my left I had the boys who had good
+right ears; on my right, those who had good left ones.
+
+I can not say I ever saw many signs of gratitude in boys for this
+solicitude of mine in their behalf.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+At dictation time the two-eared boy is terrible, and you need all the
+self-control you have acquired on the English shores to keep your head
+cool.
+
+Before beginning, you warn him that a mute _e_, or an _s_, placed at
+the end of a vowel, gives a long sound to that vowel, that _ie_ is long
+in _jolie_, and _i_ is short in _joli_; that _ais_ is long in _je
+serais_, and _ai_ is short in _je serai_.
+
+Satisfied that he is well prepared, you start with your best voice:
+
+    "_Je serais...._"
+
+The boy looks at you. Is he to write _je serais_ or _je serai_?
+
+To settle his undecided mind, you repeat:
+
+    "_Je serais_,"
+
+and you may lay great emphasis on ais, bleating for thirty seconds like
+a sheep in distress.
+
+He writes something down at last. You go and see the result of your
+efforts. He has written
+
+    "_Je serai._"
+
+_Drat_ the boy!
+
+Next time you dictate a word ending in _ais_, he won't be caught
+again.
+
+He leaves a blank or makes a blot.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+You must never take it for granted that you have given this boy all the
+explanations he requires to get on with his work. You will always find
+that there is something you have omitted to tell him.
+
+He is not hopelessly stupid, he personifies the _vis inertiæ_; he is
+indifferent, and takes but one step at a time.
+
+He will tell you he did not know that there were notes at the end of
+his French text-books. When he knows that there are such notes, he will
+inform you next time that you did not tell him he was to look at them.
+
+He sees things, but at first he does not know what they are for unless
+they are labelled, and he will ignore the use of a chair if you do not
+point out the flat part of this piece of furniture, or better still,
+touch it, saying, "Chair--to sit upon."
+
+The following are bits of conversation you will have with him in the
+class-room:
+
+"How is it you have no copy to give me?"
+
+"I thought we only had to prepare the piece."
+
+Of course you know what it means when a boy tells you he has "prepared"
+his work, but has not written it down. So you tell him he is to bring a
+copy next time. He does, for he is most anxious to do as he is told.
+
+When you ask him to give you the translation of the piece _viva voce_,
+he tells you:
+
+"Please, sir, you did not tell us we were to learn the piece."
+
+"But, my boy, don't you understand that you are doing a piece of French
+twice a week in order to learn the language?"
+
+He never thought of that. He had to write out the translation of a
+piece of French, and he has done it. He did not know he had to draw
+such bewildering conclusions as you have just mentioned.
+
+He does as he is told, and he marvels you do not consider him a model
+of a boy.
+
+If he were placed at the door of the reading-room of the British
+Museum, with orders to inform people that they must take their
+umbrellas or sticks to the cloak-room, he would carry out the
+intentions of the librarians with a vengeance.
+
+"Take your stick or your umbrella to the cloak-room," he would say to
+the first person presenting himself at the door.
+
+"But I have not got either," might reply the visitor.
+
+"That's no business of mine; go and fetch them," he would naturally
+suggest.
+
+He can grasp but one idea at a time, and this one idea does not lead to
+another in his mind. There it remains like the buried talent.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Master Whirligig is a light-headed boy. It requires very little to
+entertain him. The falling of a book, a cough, a sneeze, an organ in
+the street, will send him into fits of hilarity behind his
+pocket-handkerchief, and when the school breaks up for the Midsummer
+holidays, he will be able to tell you the exact number of flies that
+passed through the class-room during the term.
+
+He is never still for a moment. Always on the look-out for fresh
+events, he is the nearest approach to perpetual motion yet discovered.
+
+The cracks in this boy's cranium may be explained physiologically.
+Matter subjected to constant motion gets heated, as we all know. Now
+young Whirligig's skull is but scantily furnished with brain matter,
+and it would be wise of him to keep it still. This he seems to be
+incapable of doing. He is for ever jerking and shaking it, churning the
+contents in fact. The churn heated, hot vapors are generated; they
+expand, the pressure is too great, they must escape--they force an
+outlet--hence the cracks.--Q.E.D.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you want to see the good average English schoolboy in all his glory,
+make him write out a rule of French grammar, and tell him to illustrate
+it with an example.
+
+Nine times out of ten his example will illustrate the contrary to the
+rule.
+
+He has heard over and over again, for instance, that a French past
+participle, conjugated with the auxiliary _avoir_, sometimes agrees
+with its direct object and sometimes does not. This he thinks very hard
+upon him. Funny temper these past participles have! You never know when
+they will agree. It is not fair, now, is it? By consulting his grammar,
+he would be enabled to satisfy his master. But he does not do that. He
+trusts to his luck, and has a shot. After all, his chance is 50 per
+cent. He generally fails to hit.
+
+Is he not a most unlucky little creature?
+
+Ask this boy to give you the French for "this woman is good," he will
+answer you: "_Bonne est cette femme_." He has heard that _bon_ was one
+of those few adjectives that have to be placed before the noun, and
+that is very unfair to him, isn't it?
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you set an exercise to English boys, to be written out on the spot,
+they all set off quickly, the question being, as they look at one
+another:
+
+"Who shall have finished first?"
+
+This I hold to be due to the influence of athletics.
+
+"Please, sir, I've done!" will exclaim the winner triumphantly, as he
+looks at the rest of the class still busy scratching their paper.
+
+You generally like to know what boys intend to be, in order to direct
+your attention more specially to the subjects they will require to be
+grounded in for such or such an examination.
+
+Most boys from twelve to fourteen years old will tell you "they do not
+know," when you ask them what they will be. Many of them are undecided,
+many indifferent; some are shy, and afraid you will think it conceited
+of them to believe they are fit to be one day doctors, officers,
+barristers, clergymen, etc.
+
+A few answer "I don't know," on the tune of "What is that to you?"
+
+As it is always impolitic to take more interest in people than they do
+themselves, you do not insist.
+
+Once I asked a nice and clever little boy what he wanted to be.
+
+This little boy's papa was at the time enjoying the well-salaried
+_far niente_ of a chaplaincy attached to an old philanthropical
+institution that had not had any inmates for many years past.
+
+"Please, sir, I want to be like papa," he answered, ingenuously.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+My young friend T. had no taste for languages, except, perhaps, bad
+language, if I am to believe certain rumors of a punishment inflicted
+upon him by the head-master not long ago.
+
+He prepares for the army, but I doubt whether he will succeed in
+entering it, unless he enlists. I regret it for her Majesty's sake, for
+he would make a capital soldier. He is a first-rate athlete, resolute,
+strong, and fearless. He would never aim at becoming a field-marshal,
+and I hold that his qualities ought to weigh in an examination for the
+army as much as a little Latin and Greek.
+
+I never heard of great generals being particularly good at Latin,
+except Julius Cæsar, who wrote his Commentaries on the Gallic Wars in
+that language, and without a dictionary, they say.
+
+My young friend is the kind of boy who, in the army, would be sure to
+render great service to his country; for, whether he killed England's
+enemy or England's enemy killed him, it would eventually be for the
+good of England.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ah! now, who is that square-headed boy, sitting on the second form near
+the window? He looks dull; he does not join in the games, and seldom
+speaks to a school-fellow. He comes to school on business, to get as
+much as he can for his money.
+
+He is not brilliant, but steady-going; he is improving slowly but
+surely. He goes on his jog-trot way, and always succeeds in being
+placed among the first twelve boys of the class. He is what is called a
+"respectable person."
+
+He never smiles, and you would think he had on his shoulders the
+responsibility of the management of the London and Westminster Bank.
+
+His books are carefully covered in brown paper or American cloth. He
+writes rough copies on the backs of old exercises, and wipes his pen
+when he has finished his work. He buys his books second-hand in
+Holywell Street,[6] and when he has finished with them they have the
+same market value as when he bought them.
+
+      [6] A street in London where Jews sell second-hand books.
+
+He lends old nibs and half-sheets of paper, and requires the borrower
+to give him back new nibs and foolscap sheets.
+
+He studies French with all the energy he is capable of, because his
+father has told him that, with a good knowledge of French, he will
+command a good salary in the City.
+
+You ask him what he will be, and he answers you:
+
+"In business."
+
+This boy will be a successful man--a lord-mayor, perhaps.
+
+I can not take leave of the class-room without mentioning the boy who
+is proud of his name.
+
+"What is your name, my boy?"
+
+"Algernon Cadwaladr Smyth."
+
+"Oh! your name is Smith, is it?"
+
+"No, sir; my name is Cadwaladr Smyth."
+
+"You spell your name S-m-i-t-h, don't you?"
+
+"No, sir; S-m-y-t-h," he answers, almost indignantly.
+
+Dear boy! he is as proud of the y of his name as a Howard is of his
+ancestors--although I am not quite sure the Howards ought to be very
+proud of their name, seeing that it is but a corruption of _Hog-ward_.
+
+I always thought it was somewhat hard on a boy to have to go through
+life labeled Cadwaladr; but, as I have remarked elsewhere, in England
+there is nothing to prevent parents from dubbing their offsprings
+Bayard, Bertrand du Guesclin--or, for that matter, Nebuchadnezzar.
+
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+FRENCH AS SHE IS TRADUCED.--MORE GRUMBLING.--"LA CRITIQUE" IS NOT THE
+CRITIC'S WIFE.--BOSSUET'S PROSE AND HOW IT READS IN ENGLISH.--NOTHING
+IMPROVES BY TRANSLATION EXCEPT A BISHOP.--A FEW FRENCH "HOWLERS."--
+VALUABLE HINTS ON TRANSLATING UNSEEN PASSAGES.
+
+
+English boys have invented a special kind of English language for
+French translation.
+
+It is not the English they use with their classical and other masters;
+it is not the English they use at home with their parents, or at school
+with their comrades; it is a special article kept for the sole benefit
+of their French masters.
+
+The good _genus_ boy will translate _oui_, _mon père_, by "yes, my
+father," as if it were possible for him to forget that he calls his
+papa _father_, and not _my father_, when he addresses him.
+
+He very seldom reads over his translation to ascertain that it reads
+like English; but when he does, and is not perfectly satisfied with the
+result, he lays the blame on the French original. After all, it is not
+his fault if there is no sense in the French, and he brings a certain
+number of English dictionary words placed one after the other, the
+whole entitled FRENCH.
+
+Of course he can not call it ENGLISH, and he dares not call it
+NONSENSE.
+
+He calls it French, and relieves his conscience.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+It will take boys long to understand that _la trompette_, _la médecine_,
+_la marine_, _la statuaire_, are not respectively the wives of _le
+trompette_, _le médecin_, _le marin_, _le statuaire_.
+
+An honest little boy once translated "_La critique doit être bonne
+fille_" by "The critic's wife ought to be a good girl."
+
+Poor little fellow! it is most probable that no dictionary within his
+reach would have explained to him that the expression _bonne fille_
+meant "good-humored."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+O Bossuet, veil thy face!
+
+The finest piece of French prose in existence is undoubtedly the
+following sentence, taken from Bossuet's funeral oration on the Great
+Condé:
+
+"_Restait cette redoutable infanterie de l'armée d'Espagne, dont les
+gros bataillons serrés, semblables à autant de tours, mais à des tours
+qui sauraient réparer leurs brèches, demeuraient inébranlables au
+milieu de tout le reste en déroute, et lançaient des feux de toutes
+parts._"
+
+This reads like a chant of Homer, does it not? It reads quite
+differently in boys' translations, I assure you, when you come to
+"towers that would be able to mend their breaches."
+
+This confirms you in your belief that nothing improves by
+translation--except a bishop.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+From my little collection of what is called in the scholastic
+profession "Howlers," I extract the following, with my apologies to
+their perpetrators.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_La fille de feu ma bonne et estimée cousine est toujours la bienvenue_,
+"My good and esteemed cousin, the daughter of fire, is always welcome."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Mon frère a tort et ma soeur a raison_, "My brother has some tart and
+my sister has some raisins."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Elle partit dans la matinée du lendemain_, "She took part in the
+morning performance of legerdemain."
+
+This is a specimen of German _geist_ perpetrated by a candidate to
+our scholarships, and a young subject of his Venerable Majesty Emperor
+William.
+
+Honor to whom honor is due.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I said that boys do not look at the notes given at the end of
+their text-books, it was nothing short of a libel, as two cases
+following will prove.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Diable! c'est qu'il est capricieux, le bonhomme!_
+
+A boy looked at a note on this phrase, and found: "_capricieux_, akin
+to Latin _capra_ (a goat)." Next day, he brought his translation, which
+ran thus:
+
+"The good man is devilishly like a goat."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The next two "howlers" were indulged in by my boys, as we were reading
+Jules Sandeau's _Mademoiselle de la Seiglière_.
+
+The Baroness de Vaubert says to the Marquis de la Seiglière:
+"_Calmez-vous_."
+
+A boy having translated this by "Calm yourself," I observed to him:
+
+"Couldn't you give me something more colloquial?"
+
+Boy, after a moment's reflection:
+
+"Keep your hair on, old man."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Je laisse Renaud dans les jardins d'Armida_, "I leave this fox in the
+gardens of Armida," and, between brackets, the following explanatory
+statement:
+
+("Jerusalem delivered Tasso in the hands of an enchantress named
+Armida.")[7]
+
+      [7] I reproduce the note which had "helped" the boy:
+
+          ["_Renaud dans les jardins d'Armida_," _the enchanted gardens
+          of Armida_ ("_Jerusalem Delivered_," _Tasso_), _figuratively,
+          in the hands of an enchantress._]
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Chaque âge a ses plaisirs_ was translated by a nice little boy, "Every
+one grows old for his preserves."
+
+(Evidently written after a surfeit of jam.)
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The vagaries of my young friends are thrown into the shade by some
+achievements of professional translators which I have come across in
+America. A French master may occasionally enjoy the drolleries that a
+magnificent disdain for dictionary trammels and a violent yearning
+towards the playground will betray his pupil into; but I imagine that a
+publisher, who pays in hard cash for the faithful translation of a
+French book, can scarcely be pleased to find that the work has been
+interlarded with mirth-provoking blunders thrown in gratis.
+
+I extract the two following examples of "French as she is traduced"
+from the translation of one of my books that the American pirates did
+me the honor to publish:
+
+_Les exploits d'Hercule sont de la Saint Jean auprès de_..., "The
+exploits of Hercules are but of the St. John order compared to...."
+
+_Monsieur, ne vous retournez pas_, "Sir, do not return yourself."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+But to return to John Bull, junior.
+
+I pass young worthies who translate "_I have never read any thing by
+Molière_" by "_Je n'ai pas jamais lit quelque chose par Molière_," on
+the ground that "it is so in English." This "French" sentence was,
+by-the-bye, the first essay on Molière I received at the hands of the
+English boys.
+
+Some little fellows, trusting their sense of sight, have the
+objectionable habit of writing the translation of a text before looking
+at it, at all events before seeing it.
+
+Result: "_Il raccommodait les vieux souliers_"--"_He recommended the
+old soldiers._"
+
+A clever boy, whilst reading a comedy at first sight, translated
+"EGLANTINE (_baissant les yeux_)" by "EGLANTINE (_kissing his eyes_)."
+
+You naughty boy!
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I once read the following sound advice given in the preface of a French
+Translation book:
+
+    "HINTS ON TRANSLATING UNSEEN PASSAGES."
+
+    "1. Read the passage carefully through, at least twice."
+
+    "2. Keep as closely as possible to the original in sense, but use
+    English idiom boldly."
+
+    "3. Never write down nonsense."
+
+Now, and whilst I think of it, why _unseen_?
+
+It may be that I do not perceive the niceties of the English language,
+but this commonly used word, "unseen," never conveyed any meaning to my
+mind. Would not "unforeseen" be a better word? I would timidly suggest.
+
+If the book in question succeeded in making boys carry out the
+foregoing suggestions, it would be worth its weight in gold.
+
+As far as my experience goes, the only hint which I have known them
+follow is the one that tells them to use English idiom boldly.
+
+A drawback to these hints is that they are given in the preface. Now,
+dear colleagues and _confrères_, which of you has ever known a
+school-boy read the preface of his book?
+
+
+
+
+VII.
+
+ENGLISH BOYS ON FRENCH ETYMOLOGIES.--WHY "SILENCE" IS THE ONLY FRENCH
+NOUN, ENDING IN "ENCE," THAT IS OF THE MASCULINE GENDER.--A VALUABLE
+SERVICE RENDERED BY THE AUTHOR TO HIS LAND OF ADOPTION.--LEARNED
+ETYMOLOGIES.--RETURN TO OLD PHILOLOGICAL METHODS.--REMARKABLE QUESTIONS.
+--WRITTEN AND ORAL EXAMINATIONS.--A KIND EXAMINER.--HOW LONG WOULD
+IT TAKE THE MOON TO FALL TO THE EARTH?--HOW MANY YARDS OF CLOTH IT
+TAKES TO COVER AN ASS.--I EXAMINE IN GERMAN.
+
+
+French boys, and only of late, are made to go through a course of
+French philology during their last two years at school; but English
+school-boys, who are seldom taught to speak French, and who would find
+it just as difficult to make themselves understood in Paris as they
+would in Pekin, are made to study the "rudiments" of French philology,
+that is to say, the origin of words they are unable to put together so
+as to make French sentences of them.
+
+I might take this opportunity for discussing whether English
+school-boys should not leave alone all this nonsense, and devote the
+little spare time they have to learning how to put French words
+together with a decent pronunciation; but I have promised myself to
+discuss nothing in this little volume of personal recollections, and I
+will keep my word.
+
+After all, what Englishmen want to be able to do is to write a letter
+in French, and to ask for a steak or a mutton-chop in a French
+restaurant, without having to low or bleat to make the waiter
+understand that it is beef or mutton they want.
+
+I did not go to England to make reforms; I accept things as I see them,
+and I generally wait to give my advice until I am asked for it.
+
+So French philology is taught. A hundred exercises, which I have under
+my eyes, show me the results of the philological teaching of French in
+England.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+For once--now for once only, let me make a boast.
+
+Small as I am, I have rendered a valuable service to the land of my
+adoption. Yes, a service to England, nothing short of that.
+
+For over fifteen years, the French examiners in the University of
+London invariably every year asked the candidates for Matriculation the
+following question--I had almost said riddle:
+
+"Which is the only French substantive ending in _ence_ that is of
+the masculine gender, and why?"
+
+You may picture to yourself the unhappy candidates, scratching their
+heads, and going, in their minds, through the forty and some thousand
+words which make up the French vocabulary.
+
+Those only who were "in the know" could answer that the famous word was
+_silence_, as it came from the Latin neuter noun _silentium_, the other
+French nouns ending in _ence_ (from Latin feminine nouns in _entia_)
+being feminine.
+
+"Well," I said one day to the examiner, an eminent _confrère_ and
+friend, "don't you think you make the candidates waste a good deal of
+their valuable time, and that it would be better to ask them the
+question (if you must ask it) in a straightforward manner?"
+
+He thought I was right, and for two years more the question was asked
+again, but in the following improved manner:
+
+"Explain why _silence_ is the only French noun, ending in _ence_, that
+is of the masculine gender."
+
+This was sensible, and I hoped the examiner would for a long time to
+come be in smooth water.
+
+The gods willed it otherwise.
+
+One morning he came to me in a great state of excitement.
+
+"I am furious!" he said. "I believe one of the candidates has been
+laughing at me."
+
+"You don't say so!" I remarked.
+
+"I believe so," he continued, whilst untying a bundle of papers. "Now
+look at this," he cried, handing me a copy; "have you ever seen such
+impudence?"
+
+I looked, but could make nothing out of it.
+
+"What's the matter?" I inquired.
+
+"Well, I asked the candidates the question about the gender of
+_silence_."
+
+"I know, the famous question, eh?"
+
+"Never mind that. See the answer one of them gives me," and he pointed
+it out to me. It ran thus:
+
+"_Silence_ is the only French noun, ending in _ence_, that is
+masculine, because it is the only thing women can not keep."
+
+Tears of sympathy for the boy trickled down my cheeks; I thought it was
+lovely.
+
+"Well," I said, when I had recovered, "it serves you right."
+
+"I will _plough_ that boy!" he ejaculated.
+
+"No, you won't do that," I said. "How did he do the rest of the paper?"
+
+"Very well, indeed; the impudent scamp is a clever fellow."
+
+"And a wit," I added; "you must not _plough_ him."
+
+I never knew the fate of that boy, although I believe I saved him.
+
+But what I do know is that never, never since, has the question found
+place in the Matriculation papers of the University of London.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+A boy, having to give the etymology of the French word _dimanche_, and
+explain why "book" and "pound" are expressed by the same French word
+_livre_, perpetrated the following:
+
+"_Dimanche_ is a compound word, formed from _di_ (twice), and _manche_
+(to eat), because you take two meals on that day (Sunday)."[8]
+
+      [8] _Dear boy! he probably was a weekly boarder, and the Sunday
+      fare at home had left sweet recollections in his mind. This beats
+      Swift's etymology of "cucumber," which he once gave at a dinner
+      of the Philological Society: "King Jeremiah, Jeremiah King,
+      Jerkin, Gherkin, Cucumber."_
+
+"_Livre_ stands for 'book' as well as for 'pound,' because the accounts
+of 'pounds' are kept in 'books.'"
+
+It was the same boy who, being asked for the meaning of _cordon bleu_,
+answered "a teetotaler."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+A young Briton, having to derive the French word _tropique_,
+wrote:
+
+"This word comes from _trop_ (too much), and _ique_ (from Latin _hic_
+which means _here_), with the word _heat_ understood, that is to say:
+_Tropique_, it is too hot here."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another boy, with a great deal of imagination and power of deduction,
+having to give the derivation of the French word _cheval_, wrote the
+following essay:
+
+"_Cheval_ comes from the Latin _equus_. The letter _u_ was written _v_,
+which gave
+
+    _equus_ = _eqvus_ = quevus.
+
+"This word became _quevalus_, which finally gave _cheval_."
+
+We might exclaim with d'Aceilly:
+
+    "_Cheval_ vient d'_equus_, sans doute;
+      Mais il faut convenir aussi
+      Qu'à venir de là jusqu'ici,
+    Il a bien changé sur la route."[9]
+
+      [9] "_'Cheval' comes from 'equus' no doubt; but it must be
+      confessed that, to come to us in that state, it has sadly altered
+      on the way._"
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+This boy's method is, after all, a return to the old methods. If we
+consult Ménage's Etymological Dictionary, we see that he easily derives
+_rat_ from _mus_, and _haricot_ from _faba_, to take only two instances
+of the method.
+
+"The Latin _mus_," he says, "became _muratus_, and then _ratus_, which
+gave us _rat_."
+
+He deals no less successfully with _haricot_, viz:
+
+"The Latin _faba_ became by corruption _fabaricus_, which altered into
+_fabaricotus_, and finally into _aricotus_, which gave us _haricot_."
+
+After this we may appreciate Voltaire's remark that "philologists take
+no account of vowels, and very little notice of consonants."
+
+Nor do boys.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the answers given by candidates at examinations are often
+remarkable, the questions asked by the examiners are often more
+wonderful still. Here are a few which have been seriously asked,
+and--_proh pudor!_--published:
+
+"Define, with reference to passages in the _Lettres Provinciales_,
+'grâce suffisante,' 'grâce efficace,' 'grâce actuelle,' '_casuisme_,'
+'pouvoir prochain,' 'probabilisme.' Also explain what is meant by
+'casuistry.' What can be said in its defence?"
+
+"Give some account of Escobar."
+
+"What are the principal differences between the Latin and the French
+languages?"
+
+Well might an eminent _confrère_ exclaim one day:
+
+"Is not all this printed and published to discourage the study of
+French?"
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I once heard an examiner ask a dear little fellow, aged eleven, the
+following poser:
+
+"Give me the derivations of all the words of the French sentence you
+have just read aloud."
+
+Poor little boy! He took the examiner for a wonderful man.
+
+So he was.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+English examinations consist of so many papers to be taken up; the
+"viva voce" does not play an important part in England, as it does in
+France.
+
+A "viva voce" examination very often gives the examiner a better idea
+of the candidate's abilities and knowledge than a written one, but it
+has many drawbacks. It favors babblers and the self-assured, and does
+not enable the timid to show themselves at their best.
+
+The more learned the examiner, the more kind and indulgent is he to the
+candidates.
+
+Sainte-Claire Deville, the famous French chemist, had to be declined by
+the authorities at the Sorbonne as an examiner, because he used to
+answer his questions himself to save the candidates trouble.
+
+"How do you prepare oxygen?" he would ask. "By heating chlorate of
+potash, don't you?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"You place the chlorate of potash in a thin glass flask, don't you?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Now a small quantity of manganese bi-oxide, mixed with the chlorate of
+potash, enables you to obtain the oxygen at a much lower temperature,
+does it not?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Very good--now, another question."
+
+And so forth.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the other hand, there are examiners who make it a rule to bully the
+candidates, or, worse still, to snub them. They will ask preposterous
+questions with the mere object of disconcerting them.
+
+"How long would it take the moon to fall to the earth?" I once heard an
+examiner ask a candidate to the _baccalauréat ès-sciences_.
+
+A facetious examiner once got his due from a young Parisian candidate.
+
+After asking him a few "catches," and obtaining no answers he suddenly
+said to him:
+
+"Do you know how much cloth would be required to cover an ass?"
+
+"I do not, sir," replied the lad, "but if you are anxious to know, I
+will ask your tailor."
+
+The audience laughed heartily, and the examiner, seeing that this time
+the laughter was not on his side, congratulated the boy on his wit, and
+immediately asked him a few sensible questions, which were answered
+respectfully, and proved that the candidate had his subjects as ready
+as his wit.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was once asked to examine the French and German classes of an
+important English school.
+
+I wrote to "my lords and gentlemen," saying that my knowledge of German
+was not such as to enable me to find fault with other people's.
+
+The governors answered that it did not matter, and I was directed to
+proceed to the Examination.
+
+I got over the difficulty by sharing the work and the fees with an able
+German, who prepared the questions and corrected the copies.
+
+
+
+
+VIII.
+
+ENGLISH BOYS ON FRENCH COMPOSITION.--"GO AHEAD" IS NOT IN FRENCH
+"ALLEZ UNE TETE."--HOW BOYS SET ABOUT FRENCH COMPOSITION.--A WRITTEN
+PROOF OF THEIR GUILT.--HOW LARGE ADVERTISEMENTS CAN HELP THEM.--A
+STUMBLING-BLOCK CLEARED AWAY.
+
+
+You have achieved a great success when you have succeeded in getting
+into young boys' heads that French is not English replaced by
+equivalent words to be found in a dictionary.
+
+This is the way boys generally set about writing a piece of English
+into French.
+
+They take the first English word, open their dictionary, and put down
+the French word they have found for it (the wrong one, as a rule, if
+more than one is given). Then they take the second English word, to
+which they apply the same process, until they come to a stop, which
+they carefully reproduce in the French (many don't). This done, they
+take their blotting-paper, apply it on the copy, rub it hard for a
+minute or two, and knock off to enjoy a well-deserved rest.
+
+The amount of blotting-paper used by boys is prodigious. A word is no
+sooner written down than it is fixed on the paper by a good hearty
+rubbing down. They are afraid it will evaporate if not properly secured
+on the paper at once.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Suppose your young pupils have to put into French "I give you."
+
+They will first write _je_, then _donne_. After the English word "you,"
+they are referred to a note. They look at this note (many don't), and
+see that they must put the pronoun _vous_ before the verb. They do so
+between the lines, and thus write down the proof of their iniquity:
+
+        _vous_
+    "_je_ ^ _donne_."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the boys use their eyes to look at things, there are few who
+use them to see.
+
+Young S. was an exception.
+
+Having to put into French, "No sovereign ever was more worthy," he
+brought me:
+
+"_Jamais souverain ne fut plus digne._"
+
+I congratulated him on his achievement, and as I was suspicious he had
+been helped at home I asked him how he came to write this. He then said
+to me that on his way home he had seen in the station a large
+advertisement of a tooth-paste maker. The advertisement consisted of a
+huge woman's head, showing two rows of beautiful teeth, with this
+inscription:
+
+"_Avec de belles dents jamais femme ne fut laide._"
+
+He had come to the conclusion that this French phrase could help him,
+and he took it down at the station.
+
+This young Briton has a great future before him.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+A boy having to translate "I have gone out," begins by writing
+"_j'ai_." That is understood. When afterwards he finds that the verb
+_sortir_ is conjugated with the auxiliary _être_, he changes _j'ai_
+into _je suis_. Nine times out of ten he trusts his memory, or rather
+he leaves it to chance, and he keeps _j'ai_.
+
+French books are loaded with facts, but few with explanations.
+
+All the French grammars I know publish the list of the neuter verbs
+that are conjugated with the auxiliary _être_, but none give boys the
+reason _why_ these verbs are conjugated with _être_ and not with
+_avoir_. Boys learn this list of verbs and forget it, and you know
+little of boys' nature if you imagine that they will consult their
+grammar at every turn. Some do, to be sure, but how many?
+
+I do not know of one French grammar that tells students that neuter
+verbs, which express a state as well as an action, or rather that
+neuter verbs which express that a _state_ is enjoyed as soon as the
+_action_ is over, are conjugated with _être_.
+
+A boy will understand you, and remember what you say, if you tell him:
+
+"As soon as you _have_ died, you _are_ dead. This is why the verb
+_mourir_, expressing the _state of being_ dead, as soon as the _action_
+of dying is over, has to be conjugated with _être_."
+
+"As soon as you _have_ arrived, you _are_ arrived."
+
+"As soon as you _have been_ born, you _are_ born."
+
+"Therefore all these verbs _arriver_, _naître_, _venir_, _sortir_,
+_partir_, etc., are conjugated with _être_."
+
+"By this reasoning, with _courir_ (to run) you get an absurdity. 'As
+soon as you _have_ run you _are_ run' is an absurdity. Therefore
+_courir_, expressing only an action, not a state, takes _avoir_."
+
+Yes, boys will understand all that, and nothing gives them more
+pleasure than having their minds satisfied with a little explanatory
+food. I have seen rays of happy satisfaction flashing over scores of
+young faces as they got hold of these facts.
+
+For the same reason, reflexive verbs are conjugated with _être_,
+because they also express that a state is enjoyed as soon as the action
+is over.
+
+"As soon as you _have_ washed yourself you _are_ washed--if you have
+done it properly, of course."
+
+Tell the boys so, and they will laugh, and they will understand you,
+and they will be grateful to you.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I could give hundreds of instances in which a few explanatory words
+would settle grammatical facts in boys' minds; but, although I am
+tempted at almost every page to turn this book into a class--book, I
+must bear in mind that my aim is not to instruct, and pass on.
+
+
+
+
+IX.
+
+HOW TO BE HAPPY THOUGH A SCHOOL-MASTER.--SUGGESTIONS AND HINTS FOR
+THE CLASS-ROOM.--BOYS ON HISTORY AND GEOGRAPHY.--"MAXIMS" AND "WISE
+THOUGHTS."--ADVICE TO THOSE ABOUT TO TEACH.--"SIR," AND NOT "MOSSOO."
+--"FRAULEINS" AND "MADEMOISELLES."--"CHECK" YOUR LOVE FOR BOYS.--NO
+CREDIT.--WE ARE ALL LIABLE TO MAKE MISTAKES.--I GET AN INSIGHT INTO
+"STOCKS."
+
+
+I know masters who spend their time looking at their books with their
+heads downwards, and who only occasionally lift them up to say to a
+boisterous class:
+
+"Now then, now then!"
+
+They might as well tell the boys: "Just take a minute's rest, my dears,
+will you? In a moment I shall be looking at my desk again, then you
+will be able to go on."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Face the boys, or you will be nowhere.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Always be lively. If you once let the boys go to sleep, you will never
+wake them up again.
+
+Always look the same in face and person. Your moustache curtailed, your
+whiskers shaved, or the usual shape of your coat altered, will cause a
+revolution in your class.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Never show your temper if you have one, and keep the changes of your
+temperature for the benefit of your wife and family. If you once show
+your boys that they have enough power to disturb your equilibrium and
+interfere with your happiness, it is for them a victory, the results of
+which they will always make you feel.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you are annoyed by a boy constantly chatting with his neighbors, see
+if he has a brother in the class. If he has, place them side by side,
+and peace will be restored. Brothers will sometimes quarrel in class,
+but have a quiet chat together, never.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Never overpraise clever boys, or they will never do another stroke of
+work. Never snub the dull ones; you don't know that it is not out of
+modesty that they will not shine over their schoolfellows.
+
+Never ask young English public schoolboys any questions on history that
+may be suggested to you by the proper names you will come across in the
+text. Their knowledge of history[10] does not go much beyond the
+certainty that Shakespeare was not a great Roman warrior, although his
+connection with Julius Cæsar, Antony, and Coriolanus keep a good many
+still undecided as to the times he lived in.
+
+      [10] _I mean "modern history," for although public school-boys
+      know little or nothing of Marlborough and Wellington, they could
+      write volumes about Pericles, Scipio, and Hannibal. Ask them
+      something about the Reform Bill, the Repeal of the Corn Laws, or
+      the causes which led to American Independence, and you will have
+      little essays worth inserting in a comic paper._
+
+Ask them under whose reign Ben Jonson flourished, and you will be
+presented by them with a general survey of English history from the
+Norman Conquest to the reign of Her Most Gracious Majesty Queen
+Victoria. A good many will also take the opportunity of making a show
+of their knowledge of literary history (the temptation is
+irresistible), and add that he was a great man who wrote a good
+dictionary, and was once kept waiting for a long time in Lord
+Chesterfield's antechamber, "which he did not like." Boys are generally
+good at historical anecdotes, a remnant of their early training.
+
+We once had to put into French the following sentence:
+
+"Frederick the Great of Prussia had the portrait of the young Emperor
+in every room of his Sans-Souci Palace, and being asked the reason why
+he thus honored the portrait of his greatest enemy, answered that the
+Emperor was a busy, enterprising young monarch, and that he found it
+necessary always to have an eye upon him."
+
+I asked the class who this Emperor was that Frederick the Great seemed
+to fear so much, and I obtained many answers, including Alexander the
+Great and most well-known imperial rulers down to Napoleon the First;
+but not one named Joseph II. of Austria.
+
+Another time we were translating a piece of Massillon, taken from his
+celebrated _Petit Carême_.
+
+When we came to the following passage, in his sermon on _Flattery_:
+"The Lord," once said the holy King, "shall cut off all flattering
+lips, and the tongue that speaketh proud things," I asked the boys,
+who, by-the-bye, were referred in the notes to Psalm xii. 3, who was
+this holy King mentioned by Massillon?
+
+The first answer was "Charles I." The second was "Saint Louis," and I
+should not probably have received the proper answer if I had not
+expressed my astonishment at finding that nobody in the class seemed to
+know who wrote the Psalms.
+
+Even after this remark of mine, many boys remained silent; but at last
+one timidly suggested "David."
+
+He did not seem to be quite sure.
+
+"This," I thought to myself at the time, "is hardly an encouragement to
+make children read the Bible twice a day from the time they can spell."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The knowledge of geography is not more widespread than the knowledge of
+history among these same boys. So, if you have no time to waste don't
+ask them where places are.
+
+They know where England is; they know more or less precisely the
+position of India, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, the Cape of Good
+Hope, and such other spots of the earth as are marked in red on the
+maps published in England.
+
+France, Russia, Germany, Austria, Italy, Spain, Turkey, they could
+after a few hesitations find out on the map of Europe, but as they are
+not marked in red, their patriotism prevents them from taking any more
+interest in these countries.
+
+France, however, is rather interesting to them as being a part of the
+globe in which the French irregular verbs come by nature.
+
+Never expect any thanks for all the trouble you have taken over your
+pupils.
+
+When boys succeed in their examinations, it is owing to their
+intelligence and industry; when they fail, it is owing to the bad
+teaching of their masters. Boys can do no wrong; get this well engraven
+on your minds.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a boy laughs at a mistake made by a schoolfellow, do not believe
+that he does so out of contempt, and that he knows better. Ask him for
+the answer immediately, and he will be as quiet as you please.
+
+If you observe him a little, you will see that he never begins to laugh
+before you have declared the answer of his schoolfellow to be wrong; he
+would never know himself.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I always carefully prepared the piece of French that my pupils had to
+translate, in order to be ready with all the questions suggested to me
+by the text; but I never prepared composition: I preferred working it
+in class with them, so as to show them that scores of French sentences
+properly rendered an English one. I think it is a mistake to impose one
+rendering of an English sentence. Anybody can do this--with a key.
+
+Be not solemn in class, nor aim at astonishing the boys with your
+eloquence.
+
+To look at their staring eyes and gaping mouths, you may perhaps
+imagine that they are lost in ecstatic admiration. Look again, they are
+all yawning.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+When you have made the personal acquaintance of the boys who are to
+make up a class during the term, you can easily assign to them seats
+that will not perhaps please them, but which will insure peace. A quiet
+boy placed between two noisy chatterboxes, or a chatterbox placed
+between two solemn boys, will go a long way towards securing your
+comfort and happiness. The easiest class-room to manage is the one
+furnished with separate desks. Then you may easily carry the government
+on the old principle of _Divide et regna_.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you see a boy put his hand before his mouth whilst he is talking,
+snub him hard for it. Tell him that, when you were a boy and wanted to
+have a quiet chat with a neighbor, you were not so silly as to thus
+draw the master's attention and get your little conversation disturbed.
+
+We are none of us infallible, not even the youngest of us, as the late
+Master of Trinity College, Cambridge, once wittily remarked.
+
+Never be tired of asking for advice; you will become a good
+school-master only on condition that you will take constant advice from
+the old stagers.
+
+If, however, you should discover that, in the middle of your lesson,
+your pupils are all sound asleep, don't go and tell the head-master,
+and ask him how you should set about keeping them awake. This is beyond
+his advice.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The General commanding a French military school had once decided upon
+having a lecture on Hygiene given to the pupils on Monday afternoons.
+The day was badly chosen. A French Sunday always means for a French boy
+a little dissipation in the shape of a good dinner at home or with
+friends, and on Monday afternoons we generally felt ready for a little
+doze, if the lecture was in the least prosy.
+
+The lecturer, tired of addressing sleeping audiences, lodged a
+complaint with the General, and asked that his lecture should
+henceforth take place on another day of the week.
+
+This could not be arranged, but the General soon decided upon a plan to
+set matters to rights.
+
+"I will place a _basof_[11] in the room," he said; "he will take down
+the names of all those who go to sleep, and I shall have them kept in
+on the following Sunday."
+
+      [11] Abbreviation of "bas-officier" (non-commissioned officer).
+
+When the lecturer made his next appearance, followed by the _basof_,
+we thought it would be prudent to listen, and the lesson passed off
+without accident.
+
+The following Monday, however, the poor lecturer had not proceeded very
+far, when he discovered that we were all asleep--and that so was the
+_basof_.
+
+Of course the General inflicted a severe punishment upon us, and also
+upon the offending Cerberus.
+
+_Moral._--I believe that, if a lecturer or a master had gone to
+complain to an English head-master that all his pupils went to sleep
+whilst he lectured, the head-master would have answered him:
+
+"My dear sir, if your lecture sends your audience to sleep, it is your
+fault, not mine, and I don't see how I can help you."
+
+And the sooner the man sent in his resignation, the better for the
+comfort of all concerned.
+
+If you are a Frenchman, never allow your boys to call you _Mossoo_,
+_Myshoo_, _Mounzeer_, or any other British adaptation of _Monsieur_. If
+you do, you may just as well allow them to pat you on the back and call
+you "Old chappie." They should call you "Sir," otherwise you will lose
+your footing and fail to be the colleague of the English masters. You
+will only be the _Mossoo_ of the place, something, in the world, like
+the _Mademoiselle_ (from Paris), or the _Fraulein_ (from Hanover), of
+the Establishment for Young Ladies round the corner.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+All the _Frauleins_ come from Hanover, as all the _Mademoiselles_ are
+Parisian and Protestants, if I am to believe the column of scholastic
+advertisements in the English newspapers.
+
+This is wonderful, is it not?
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you set any value on your reputation and your time, never carry the
+interest which you naturally take in your pupils the length of inviting
+them to come to your house to receive extra teaching at your hands,
+unless it be as a means of improving your revenue.
+
+I once determined to devote all my Saturday evenings to two young
+fellows whom I was anxious to pass through the Indian Civil Service
+examination. I thus worked with them five months. Their fathers were
+men of position. I never received so much as a post-card of thanks from
+them. If I had charged them a guinea for each visit, I should have
+received two checks with "many thanks for my valuable services," which
+would have benefited my banking account and given satisfaction to my
+professional vanity.
+
+I have since "checked" my love for boys.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Shun interviews with parents, mothers especially, as you would the
+plague. Leave this privilege to the head-master, who is paid handsomely
+for these little drawbacks to his position. If they invite you to
+dinner, do not fall into the snare, but remember that a previous
+engagement prevents you from having the pleasure of accepting their
+kind invitation. Never enter into correspondence with them on the
+subject of "their dear boy." If, to inflict scruples on your
+conscience, they should enclose a stamped envelope, give a penny to the
+first beggar you meet on leaving school. Relieve the conscience, but,
+whatever you do, don't answer.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Always pretend you have not seen a breach of discipline when you are
+not quite sure about the offender, or, when sure, you can not bring a
+clear charge against him. You have no time for investigations.
+
+Wait for another chance. A boy never rests upon an unpunished offence.
+
+Offence and punishment should be exchanged like shots.
+
+No credit: cash.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you correct little boys' copies yourself, you will find that you
+have undertaken a long and wearisome task that brings no result. When
+you return these copies, they are received with thanks, folded up,
+carefully pocketed, and never looked at again. Make the boys reserve a
+good wide margin for the corrections. Underline all their mistakes,
+and, under your eyes, make them correct the mistakes themselves.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+However well up you may be in your subjects, you are sure to find
+yourself occasionally tripping. The derivation of a certain word will
+escape you for a moment, or the right translation of another will not
+come to your mind quickly enough. With grown-up and intelligent young
+fellows in advanced classes, no need to apologise. But with little boys
+you must remember that you are an oracle. Never for a moment let them
+doubt your infallibility; call up all the resources of your ingenuity,
+and find a way out of the difficulty. So a good actor, whose memory
+fails him for the time, calls upon his imagination to supply its place.
+And must not any man, who would gain and keep the ear of a mixed
+audience, be a bit of an actor, let his theatre be the hustings, the
+church, or the class-room? Has not a master to appear perfectly cross
+when he is perfectly cool, or perfectly cool when he is perfectly
+cross? Is not this acting?
+
+It once fell to my unhappy lot to be requested to take an arithmetic
+class twice a week, during the temporary absence of a mathematical
+master. In my youth I was a little of a mathematician, but figures I
+was always bad at. As for English sums, with their bewildering
+complications of pounds, shillings, pence, and farthings, which that
+practical people still fondly cling to, it has always been a subject of
+wonder to me how the English themselves do them. How I piloted those
+dear boys through Bills of Parcels I don't know; but it is a fact that
+we got on pretty well till we reached "Stocks." Here my path grew very
+thorny.
+
+One morning the boys all came with the same sad story. None had been
+able to do one of the sums I had given them from the book. They had all
+tried; their brothers had tried; their fathers had tried; not one could
+do it.
+
+A short look at it convinced me that I should have no more chance of
+success than all those Britons, young and old, but it would never do to
+let my pupils know this. They must suppose that those few moments had
+been sufficient for me to master the sum in. So, assuming my most
+solemn voice, I said:
+
+"Why, boys, do you mean to tell me you can not do such a simple sum as
+this?"
+
+"No, we can't, sir," was the general cry.
+
+"Why, Robinson, not even you?" I said to the top boy. "I always
+considered you a sharp lad. Jones, you cannot? Nor Brown? Well, well;
+it's too bad."
+
+And, putting on a look of pitying contempt--which must have been quite
+a success, to judge by the dejection written on the faces before me--I
+proceeded to give them a little lecture on their arithmetical
+shortcomings. I felt saved. It was near the time for dismissing the
+class.
+
+"Boys," said I, to finish up, "I must have been sadly mistaken in you;
+the best thing we can do is to go back to addition and subtraction
+to-morrow."
+
+Without being quite so hard as that upon them, I set them an easy task
+for the next lesson; the bell rang, and the boys dispersed.
+
+I immediately went to the head mathematical master, and had the
+difficulty explained away in a few seconds.
+
+How simple things are when they are explained, to be sure!
+
+Armed with a new insight into Stocks, I was ready for my young friends
+the following Friday. After the ordinary work had been got through:
+
+"Now," I said, "have you had another try at that sum, any of you?"
+
+"Yes, sir; but we can't do it," was the reply.
+
+"Well," I said, in a relenting tone, as I went to the blackboard, "I
+suppose we had better do it together."
+
+I made the boys confess it was too stupid of them to have proved
+unequal to this _simple_ sum; and thus they regained my good
+graces.
+
+Later in the day I received the glad tidings that the master I replaced
+was better (goodness knows if I had prayed for the return of his
+health!). He was to have his boys next time.
+
+Thus was I enabled to retire from the field with flying colors.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you do not love boys, never be a school-master. If you love boys and
+wish to become a school-master, see that you are a good disciplinarian,
+or take _Punch's_ advice to those about to marry:
+
+"Don't."
+
+
+
+
+X.
+
+ENGLISH BOYS' PATRIOTISM PUT TO A SEVERE TEST.--THEIR OPINION OF
+FRENCH VICTORIES.--KING LOUIS VI. OF FRANCE AND THE ENGLISH SOLDIER AT
+THE BATTLE OF BRENNEVILLE.--AN ENGLISH BOY ON FRENCH WRESTLING.--YOUNG
+TORY DEMOCRATS.--'IMPERIUM ET LIBERTAS.'--A PATRIOTIC ANSWER.--DUCK AND
+DRAKE.
+
+
+I am afraid I often put the patriotism of English boys to a severe
+test.
+
+I generally liked to place in their hands such books as would relate to
+them the glorious past of France, and teach them to respect her. Let
+those who do not love their country throw the first stone at me.
+
+Bossuet's "Funeral Orations," Voltaire's "Siècle de Louis XIV.,"
+D'Aubigné's "History of Bayard," Bonnechose's "Lazare Hoche," were
+among my favorite text-books.
+
+I need not say that I always avoided recommending historical books
+which, like Bonnechose's "Bertrand du Guesclin," for instance, referred
+to struggles between France and England. For obvious reasons, I have
+always preferred reading the accounts of the battles of Cressy,
+Poictiers, and Agincourt in French histories to reading them in English
+ones;[12] and I imagined that Bertrand du Guesclin would not inspire in
+my pupils the same admiration as he did in us French boys.
+
+      [12] _I have always been doubtful whether these battles are
+      properly related in histories published in England._
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+But what fiery patriots these British lads are! Why, they would like to
+monopolize all the victories mentioned in history.
+
+Bossuet's panegyric of Louis XIV. drove them frantic, half mad. Dear
+little fellows! they were wriggling with pain on their seats as we were
+reading: "This king, the terror of his enemies, who holds the destinies
+of Europe in the hollow of his hand and strikes with awe the whole
+astonished world."
+
+"The whole world struck with awe!" that could not be. Surely Bossuet
+ought to have said "with the exception of England"--a sad omission on
+his part.
+
+"Who is it Bossuet is speaking of?" once remarked a good little
+patriot, on hearing this sentence.
+
+"Louis XIV."
+
+"Louis XIV.?"
+
+"Yes; never heard of him?"
+
+I don't think he had.
+
+Bayard they all liked. His personal deeds of valor appealed to their
+young imaginations. His athletic powers especially stirred their hearts
+with admiration.
+
+Besides, his exploits took place such a long time ago that they felt
+ready to be lenient towards him.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+We once came across the name of Louis VI. of France in some French
+text, and I was unfortunate enough to mention in class that, at the
+battle of Brenneville, an English soldier came up to the French king,
+and called upon him to surrender, when Louis VI. remarked: "Don't you
+know that, at chess, the king cannot be taken prisoner?" and
+immediately struck the English soldier dead on the spot.
+
+The boys seemed displeased. They looked at one another; it was evident
+that they thought there was something wrong. The dose was too strong
+for them to swallow.
+
+I inquired of a little lad, who appeared particularly distressed, what
+was the matter.
+
+"Please, sir," he said, "did not the English soldier try to kill the
+French king?"
+
+"Well, I suppose he did," I replied; "but King Louis VI. was very
+strong, you know."
+
+"He must have been!" he remarked, no doubt feeling more comfortable
+after my explanation.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+This historical anecdote of an Englishman allowing himself to be felled
+to the ground by a Frenchman puts me in mind of a little conversation I
+heard in my school-days.
+
+Two young boys, one French, the other English, were talking athletics
+in the playground, and the English boy asked his young friend to
+explain to him the principles of French wrestling.
+
+The little French lad proceeded, in a vivacious manner, to describe the
+successive moves of the sport.
+
+He used the first person singular to make his description more
+forcible.
+
+"First," he said, "I would get a good grasp of your waist with my right
+arm, whilst I would collar you with my left one; then, don't you see, I
+would twist my right leg round one of yours; then----"
+
+"Ah! but wait a minute," exclaimed the English boy, with a smile. "What
+should I be doing all this time? Looking at you, I suppose?"
+
+It was at the meetings of our French Debating Society that free play
+was given to youthful patriotism. Good heavens! what a _tabula rasa_
+of the map of the world! What fresh jewels added to the British crown!
+I don't think there is a single little corner of the globe worth
+mentioning that these boys did not lay their hands on. With what a
+crushing majority the "Peace, Retrenchment, and Reform" policy was
+defeated! Was it not an insult to this glorious country to suggest
+that a reform was needed?
+
+"The Liberals," exclaimed a young member, with a movement of Homeric
+indignation, "may be appreciated in Russia, but they are not
+Englishmen."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+French _collégiens_ are red radicals, socialists, anarchists,
+revolutionists--until they leave school. As I have said elsewhere,
+leading the lives of prisoners, they dream wild dreams of liberty, they
+gasp for freedom.
+
+Young Britons, enjoying liberty from tender years, are perfectly
+satisfied with their lot, and are mostly Conservatives. They identify
+Conservatism with patriotism; and if the Franchise were extended to
+them, the Liberal Party would have seen its best days.
+
+The new political school inaugurated by Lord Randolph Churchill is
+greatly in favor with English boys; we had many Tory Democrats among
+us.
+
+"Imperium et Libertas" are two words which sound pleasantly in young
+English ears: the possession of a mighty Empire, and the enjoyment of
+that "thrice sweet and gracious goddess," Liberty.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I once asked a little English lad why his compatriots ate roast goose
+on the 29th of September, the anniversary of the defeat of the Spanish
+Armada.
+
+"Because," he answered proudly, "the King of Spain was such a goose as
+to come and attack our navy!"
+
+A colleague of mine asked the same question in a different manner, and
+obtained an equally wonderful answer.
+
+"What is it the English eat on the 29th of September to commemorate the
+defeat of the Spanish Armada?" he asked.
+
+"Roast duck, sir, because it was Drake who beat the Spanish!"
+
+
+
+
+XI.
+
+CRICKET.--I HAVE AN UNSUCCESSFUL TRY AT IT.--BOYS' OPINION OF MY
+ATHLETIC QUALITIES.--FRENCH AND ENGLISH ATHLETES.--FEATS OF SKILL AND
+STRENGTH VERSUS FEATS OF ENDURANCE AND BRUTE FORCE.--A CASE OF EVICTION
+BY FORCE OF ARMS.
+
+
+I never tried my hand at cricket but once, and did not get on very
+well.
+
+I was entrusted with the bat. It was a heavy responsibility. When I saw
+the ball come I hit hard at it, but missed it. The nasty thing struck
+me a woful blow on the jaw.
+
+I did not see much in the game, and I withdrew.
+
+Yet I confess that, as I began to understand the rules of cricket, I
+also began to conceive a certain amount of admiration for the game--at
+a respectful distance.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I always suspected the boys did not entertain any great opinion of my
+athletic powers. The following anecdote, related to me by some ladies,
+friends of mine, set my mind at rest on the subject.
+
+These ladies, it appears, were traveling one day on the London District
+line. In the same compartment happened to be half-a-dozen boys, who
+were going to our annual school sports. The boys soon began to discuss
+the respective merits of the favorite runners, as well as their
+chances, and I am not quite sure that a little betting was not indulged
+in; but this the ladies did not tell me, and you must never run the
+risk of bringing unfounded charges against boys.
+
+Presently a little fellow suggested that much fun would be added to the
+sport by the introduction of a master's race in the programme, and
+naturally this led the conversation to the athletic merits of the
+masters.
+
+Said one of the merry company:
+
+"What do you think of the French master?"
+
+"Not much," said the chorus.
+
+"Well, he is powerfully built," intimated one with a knowing look, who
+was, perhaps, bringing some personal recollection to bear on the
+subject.
+
+"Yes," said another; "but he is too fat; he has no wind. He would be
+nowhere."
+
+"What would you take him at?" asked the one with a knowing look.
+
+"Sixty to one," was the reply.
+
+Some discussion took place, and I "closed" at fifty to one.
+
+Thus was my case settled.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+As to the matter of athletics, to which English boys are such devotees,
+I cannot help thinking that they are overdone, made a hobby of, and,
+like most hobbies in England, ridden to excess. No doubt it is a fine
+thing for a boy to have plenty of outdoor amusements; it is good for
+him to be an adept at running, leaping, climbing, swimming; but what in
+the world does he learn at football, the great winter game of the
+English schoolboy? Why do the English so neglect pastimes that would
+develop dexterity of hand and limb, and devote themselves to a game
+which seems to me to teach nothing except respect of brute force?
+
+"Oh! but it cultivates their powers of endurance," says somebody.
+
+That is true, I believe; although, from what I have seen of the two, I
+never could discover that an Englishman was more patient under the
+toothache than a Frenchman.
+
+Now, to get bruised ribs and dislocated shoulders in practicing flights
+out of second and third storey windows I should understand; an
+accomplishment of that kind might be useful in case of fire; but to
+what end does all the bruising of football tend?
+
+The game of football itself seems to be the end, and "not a means to an
+end," as, I believe, Mr. Matthew Arnold has remarked.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yet, behold John Bull, junior, on the football ground! The hero of a
+bad cause, but for all that a hero; a lusty little fellow, fearless,
+hardy, strong-knit, iron-muscled, and mule-headed, who, rather than let
+go a ball that he holds firmly in his arms, will perform feats of
+valor; who, simply to pass this ball between two goals, will grovel in
+the dust, reckless of lacerated shoulders, a broken rib or jaw-bone,
+and will die on a bed of suffering with a smile upon his lips if he can
+only hear, before closing his eyes, that his side has won the game.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Speaking from my experience, I should say that at gymnastic exercises,
+and all pastimes requiring a little skill, French boys are more than
+the equals of John Bull, junior. They are better at leaping, climbing,
+and wrestling. As for swimming, nine out of ten French boys are good
+swimmers. They do not want to emulate Captain Webb's feats when they
+grow up, because the object or beauty of such feats as his has never
+been revealed to them.
+
+But that is the Englishman all through.
+
+Can he swim well? Then he must straightway swim across the English
+Channel; he must outswim his fellow-creatures; he must be the champion
+of the world, and have the betting in his favor, until he turns his
+gift into a hobby, sets off on it, and, to the entertainment of a few
+Yankee excursionists, ends by being drowned in the Niagara Falls.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+As for the _savate_, the _canne_, fencing, which all bring the
+wits into play as well as the muscles, they, even the last-named, are
+very little known or practiced in England. In these most young
+Frenchmen are well up, and as for gymnastic exercises they are more
+practiced in France than in England, although the English boy fondly
+imagines he is at the top of the ladder in all matters athletic.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The craze for athletics has inculcated in English boys the admiration
+for physical strength. This they like to find in their masters, as well
+as firmness of mind.
+
+It is not necessary that masters should use the former. Not by any
+means; but there it is, and they might use it.
+
+There is nothing to inspire people with peaceful dispositions like the
+sight of a good display of war material.
+
+An ex-colleague of mine became very popular by the following
+occurrence, the tale of which spread through the school like wildfire.
+
+This gentleman used to teach in a little class-room that led to the
+playground. One day a big boy of seventeen opened the door from the
+building, coolly crossed the room, and was about to open the door
+opposite to let himself out, when my friend caught hold of him by the
+collar, lifted him off the ground, and, to the stupefaction of the
+boys, carried him back through the room, as he would have a dog by the
+skin of his neck, and quietly dropped him outside the door he had
+entered by. Not a word was uttered, not an _Oh!_ not an _Ah!_ The
+performance, if I remember rightly, terminated somewhat comically. The
+boy had on a paper-collar, which remained as a trophy in the master's
+hands.
+
+It was, as you see, a case of eviction _vi et armis_, by the force
+of arms.
+
+
+
+
+XII.
+
+OLD PUPILS.--ACQUAINTANCES RENEWED.--LIVELY RECOLLECTIONS REVIVED.
+--IT IS EASIER TO TEACH FRENCH THAN TO LEARN IT.--TESTIMONIAL REFUSED
+TO A FRENCH MASTER.--"HOW DE DO?"--"THAT'S WHAT-D'YE-CALL-HIM, THE
+FRENCH MASTER."
+
+
+I like meeting old pupils, especially those who, I am vain enough to
+think, owe to me a little part of their success in life.
+
+Others have greatly improved since they left school. I used to consider
+them hopelessly stupid, and now I see them able to speak on general
+topics with a great amount of common sense. Though they were not fit
+for school, they are fit for the world. They have good manners and are
+gentlemen.
+
+Some you cannot recognize with their "chimney-pots"; some will take no
+notice of you.
+
+Some will come and shake hands with you, and make a tardy
+acknowledgment of the debt they owe you; some will express their regret
+that they do not owe you more.
+
+Some will approach you diffidently, and with a grin:
+
+"How do you do, sir? Don't you know me? I am So-and-So."
+
+"To be sure I do."
+
+"Don't you remember I once threw a paper ball in the room, and it fell
+on your desk by accident?"
+
+"To be sure. And don't you remember what you got for it?"
+
+"Indeed I do. But that was an accident, you know, sir."
+
+"I dare say it was. And how are you getting on?"
+
+"Pretty well. I am in a bank."
+
+"Adding pounds, shillings, and pence?"
+
+"Yes--rather slow sport."
+
+"Slow, yes, when the pounds, shillings, and pence don't belong to you."
+
+"You are right, sir."
+
+"Well, you might, perhaps, have done better for yourself; you were an
+able boy."
+
+"I don't know about that, but I often regret I did not avail myself of
+the advantages that were offered to me."
+
+A repentant boy is always a sad sight, and one to be shunned. You
+comfort him, wish him success, and shake hands.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The interest you have taken in boys at school is put to a severe test
+when you receive a letter like the following:
+
+    "DEAR SIR:
+
+    "I have decided on doing a little teaching while my father is
+    trying to obtain a situation for me. I know the interest you have
+    always taken in me and my welfare, and I write to ask if you will
+    kindly give me a testimonial as to my ability to teach French. I am
+    aware that I always was, and am still, a very poor French scholar,
+    so that I can ask for a testimonial from you only as a great
+    personal favor; but I hope you will not refuse me."
+
+After thanking me for past, present, and future kindnesses, he
+subscribes himself "My obedient and grateful pupil."
+
+This boy, having heard me one day say in class that it was easier to be
+examiner than to be examined, had probably come to the conclusion that
+it was also easier to teach French than to learn it.
+
+A testimonial from me could have but very little value; still, the poor
+boy had to add to his experiences that it was easier to ask for one
+than to obtain it.
+
+Some old pupils approach you with a patronizing "How de do?"
+
+When asked by a friend who it was they had spoken to, they replied:
+
+"Oh! that's What-d'ye-call-him, the French master--a rather nice
+fellow, you know."
+
+This was an excuse for condescending to speak to him.
+
+They were under him for ten years only, and they could hardly be
+expected to remember his name.
+
+
+
+
+XIII.
+
+DEBATING SOCIETIES.--A DISCUSSION ON THE PERNICIOUS USE OF TOBACCO.--
+SCHOOL MAGAZINES IN FRANCE AND ENGLAND.--A BUSINESS-LIKE LITTLE
+BRITON.--AN IMPORTANT RESOLUTION PASSED UNANIMOUSLY.--I PERFORM
+AN ENGLISHMAN'S DUTY.
+
+
+Like their seniors in Great Britain, English boys have a little
+weakness for airing their virtuous sentiments in public, and the school
+debating societies offer them ample opportunity of giving them full
+play.
+
+I was once present at a debate on "The Use of Tobacco." Forty young
+fellows from seventeen to nineteen years of age took part in it. I
+never was so edified in my life. The dear boys beat Alphonse Karr in
+their diatribes against the use of tobacco.
+
+"Of course," remarked one member, "it is somewhat pretentious of me to
+speak of tobacco, as, I am happy to say, I have no experience of it.
+But I have read a great deal on the subject, and all our scientific men
+are unanimous in condemning the use of this baneful plant."
+
+"The Use of Tobacco" was condemned by a show of hands, _nem. con._
+
+It would be wicked to suppose that any member had a little book of
+"Persian Rice" paper, and half an ounce of "Straight Cut" in his
+pocket, wouldn't it?
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our school magazine, edited by the boys, is a well-conducted and
+interesting record of school events. I can never look at it, printed as
+it is on beautiful paper, without going back to my school-days in
+France. We had a magazine of our own, too, but we had to write out two
+copies of each issue ourselves, and keep them locked in our desks. If
+we were caught reading them they were confiscated, and we were
+punished. In English public schools the masters subscribe, and not
+uncommonly write, for the magazine. The result is that, in England, the
+periodical is made up of wholesome literary essays, poetry, school news
+and anecdotes, reports of athletic and other meetings, etc., whereas,
+in France, it mainly consists of satires against the college and
+caricatures of the masters.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a small private preparatory school where I attended for a short
+time, the little boys (fourteen in number) one day resolved to start a
+magazine. I was asked to preside at the meeting. Of course a printed
+paper was out of the question, and it was decided at the meeting that
+each of the boys would write it out in turn. Presently a true-born
+little Briton proposed that an annual dinner, in connection with the
+paper, should take place. As it was doubtful whether the magazine would
+enjoy life very long, an amendment, moved by another business-like
+member, was seized by the forelock, to the effect that the annual
+dinner should take place at once, and was passed unanimously. The
+discussion of the _menu_ was then entered into, strong preference
+being manifested for tarts and cream and doughnuts. I most solemnly
+signed the minute of the previous meeting, and retired with the feeling
+that I had performed the work of a good British citizen.
+
+
+
+
+XIV.
+
+HOME, SWEET HOME!--BOYS' OPINION OF THE SEASIDE.--FRENCH AND ENGLISH
+BEACHES.--WHO IS HE AT HOME? WHAT WAS HIS GRANDFATHER?--REMARKS ON
+SWAGGERING.--"I THOUGHT HE WAS A GENTLEMAN."
+
+
+I should like to echo the sentiments of many schoolboys on the subject
+of the place chosen by their parents for their Midsummer holidays.
+
+As a rule, parents think themselves in duty-bound to take their boys to
+the seaside for these holidays.
+
+In the case of people occupying "desirable" residences in London, this
+is sensible enough.
+
+But boys who live in the country generally regret to hear that they
+will not be allowed to spend most of the holiday-time at home, in the
+midst of all their own belongings. They would prefer building houses
+for their rabbits, enjoying the favorite walks of their childhood;
+rowing on the neighboring river with their friends, even if they have
+to put up, in the evening, with the inconvenience of having to hear
+their sisters play the piano--a kind of inconvenience to which we are
+all subject nowadays.
+
+But no; they are packed off to lodgings at the seaside; and they think
+that the sight of the sea and a few fishing-boats do not make up for
+rickety chairs, springless sofas, empty rooms, cheerless walls, beds
+stuffed with pebbles from the beach, and the loss of all home comforts
+and associations.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If, as is the case in France, these boys were allowed to mix with those
+they meet on the beach, and get up parties with them, life might be
+made supportable; but, obliged as they are to keep to themselves, or to
+the company of their brothers and sisters (some have none), they think
+it was not necessary to come so far in search of boredom.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+French and English beaches illustrate best to my mind the way in which
+the two nations take their pleasures.
+
+The French seem to set out for their holiday with a thorough
+determination to enjoy themselves. When they go to the seaside they go
+there on pleasure bound.
+
+On French beaches every body makes acquaintance; the children play
+together under the eyes of happy papas and mammas, the grown-up ones go
+out in large parties bathing, boating, and fishing; and in the evening
+all meet at the Casino, where there are ball-rooms, concert-rooms,
+reading and smoking rooms, etc. No doubt many of the people you mix
+with there are not such as you would wish to invite to your house on a
+visit, but, the season over, these friends of a day are forgotten, and
+there remains the benefit to health and spirits from a thorough merry
+time.
+
+In the English seaside resort, every bather looks askance at his
+fellow.
+
+"Who is he at home?" or "What was his grandfather?" are questions that
+he must get satisfactorily answered before he associates with him; and
+rather than run the risk of frequenting the company of persons of
+inferior blood he is often bored to death with the monotony of the
+life, and is glad when it is time to take the children back to school
+or his own occupations call him away from the sea.
+
+Dear British parents, if you have a garden and fields near your house,
+and you would like to make your boys happy, call them home for the
+holidays.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apart from the aristocracy, it has always been a subject of wonder to
+me that caste should be so strong among the middle classes, in a
+country like England, who owes her greatness to her commercial and
+adventurous spirit.
+
+In France, what is required of a _gentleman_ is high education and
+refined manners. A peasant's son possessing these is received in any
+society.
+
+In England, boys begin swaggering about their social position as soon
+as they leave the nursery, and if you would have some fun, you should
+follow groups of public school-boys in the playground or on their way
+home.
+
+Of course, in public schools, the occupation of parents cannot be an
+objection to their sons' admission, and in your class-room you may have
+dukes' and saloon-keepers' sons sitting on the same form. These are
+treated on an equal footing; although I believe the head-master of a
+working public school would prefer the hangman's son, if a clever lad,
+to the son of a duke, if he were a fool.
+
+Yes, those groups will afford you a great deal of amusement.
+
+Here are the sons of professional men, of officers, clergymen,
+barristers. See them pointing out other boys passing: "Sons of
+merchants, don't you know!"
+
+These are not without their revenge, as they look at a group close by:
+"Sons of clerks, you know!"
+
+But you should see the contemptuous glance of the latter as they pass
+the sons of shopkeepers: "Tradespeople's sons, I believe!"
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here is a little sample conversation I caught as I passed two boys
+watching a game of cricket in the playground.
+
+"Clever chap, So-and-So!" said one.
+
+"And a nice fellow too, isn't he?" said the other.
+
+"By-the-bye, did you know his father was a chemist?"
+
+"A chemist! No!" exclaimed the dear boy in a subdued tone, as if the
+news had taken his breath away. "A chemist! you don't mean to say so.
+What mistakes we are liable to make, to be sure! I always thought he
+was a gentleman."
+
+
+
+
+XV.
+
+HE CAN NOT SPEAK FRENCH, BUT HE CAN READ IT, YOU KNOW.--HE HAS A TRY
+AT IT IN PARIS.--NASAL SOUNDS AND ACCENTED SYLLABLES.--HOW I REDUCED
+ENGLISH WORDS TO SINGLE SYLLABLES, AND WAS SUCCESSFUL IN THE OBJECT I
+HAD IN VIEW.--A REMARK ON THE CONNECTION OF WORDS.
+
+
+When you ask an Englishman whether he can speak French, he generally
+answers:
+
+"I can read it, you know."
+
+"Aloud!" you inquire, with a significant smile.
+
+"Well," he says, "I have never had much practice in reading French
+aloud. I mean to say that I can understand what I read. Of course, now
+and then I come across a word that I am not quite sure about, but I can
+get on, you know."
+
+"I suppose you manage to make yourself understood in France."
+
+"Oh! very little French is required for that; I always go to the
+English hotels."
+
+He always does so on the Continent, because these hotels are the only
+ones that can provide him with English comfort.
+
+When he starts for Paris he gets on capitally till he reaches Calais.
+There he assumes his insular stiffness, which we Continental people
+take for arrogance, but is, in reality, only dignified timidity.
+
+Arrived at the Gare du Nord, he takes a cab and goes to one of the
+hotels in the Rue Saint Honoré or the Rue de Rivoli.
+
+The first time he reached one of these establishments, he tripped on
+getting out of his cab, and fell on the pavement. The porter helped him
+up and asked him:
+
+"_Avez-vous du mal, monsieur?_"
+
+He thought the porter took him for a Frenchman, and he prepared to
+answer in French. Believing he was asked if "he had two trunks," he
+answers:
+
+"No, only a portmanteau."
+
+After this first success, he thought he would air his French.
+
+"_Garçon!_" he calls; "_j'ai faim._"
+
+He pronounces this quite perfectly, so perfectly that the waiter,
+understanding that he is married, informs him that he can have
+apartments ready for Madame.
+
+"He is obstinate and will have another shot:
+
+"_Je suis fameux, garçon!_"
+
+The waiter bows respectfully.
+
+This won't do, dear fellow; try again.
+
+"_Je suis femme!_" he yells.
+
+This staggers the waiter.
+
+It is time to inquire of him if he speaks English.
+
+"Can you speak English?"
+
+"Oh yes, sir."
+
+Our traveler is all right again, but he thinks that those confounded
+French people have a queer manner of pronouncing their own language.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+With the exception of our nasal sounds, which I know are
+stumbling-blocks to Englishmen--who will always insist on calling our
+great music composer and pianist Saint-Saëns, "Sang Songs"--I never
+could understand that the difficulty of our pronunciation was
+insuperable. Our vowels are bold, well-marked, always sounded the same,
+and, except _u_, like the English vowels, or so nearly like them that
+they can not prevent an Englishman from understanding French and
+speaking it.
+
+The greatest mistake he makes is in not bearing in mind that the accent
+should always be laid on the last syllable, or on the last but one if
+the word ends in _e_ mute. How much easier this is to remember than the
+place of the English accented syllable, which varies constantly! In
+_admirable_, you have it on the first; in _admire_, on the second; in
+_admiration_, on the third. On the contrary, no difficulty about the
+pronunciation of the three French words, _admirable_, _admirer_, and
+_admiration_; the tonic accent falls on the last sound syllable in
+every case.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The less educated a man is the more stress he lays on the accented
+syllables; and you find the lower classes of a country lay such
+emphasis on these syllables that they almost pronounce nothing else.
+Being unable to make myself understood when pronouncing whole English
+words, I have often tried to use only the accented syllables when
+speaking to the lower class people of England; in every attempt I have
+been successful.
+
+I obtained a basket of strawberries in Covent Garden Market by asking
+for a "_bask of strawbs_."
+
+A lower class Yankee will understand few Frenchmen who speak to him of
+_America_; but he will understand them if they speak to him of _Merk_.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The greatest defect in an Englishman's pronunciation of French is
+generally in the wrong connection of words between which there is no
+pause.
+
+The final consonant of a word, followed by another beginning with a
+vowel or _h_ mute, should be pronounced as if it belonged to the latter
+word. An Englishman sounds _ses amis_ as if it was _seize amis_. He
+should say: "se samis."
+
+"Mon ami est à Paris" = "Mo nami è ta Paris."
+
+Perhaps the following remark on the separation of syllables may fix the
+rule:
+
+The English say: _mag-nan-im-ity_.
+
+The French say: ma-gna-ni-mi-té.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+You see, dear reader, how difficult it is to refrain from talking
+"shop," when one has been a school-master.
+
+
+
+
+XVI.
+
+PUBLIC SCHOOL SCHOLARSHIPS AND EXHIBITIONS.--GRATEFUL PARENTS.--
+INQUIRING MOTHERS.--A DEAR LITTLE CANDIDATE.--LADIES' TESTIMONIALS.
+--A SCIENCE MASTER WELL RECOMMENDED.
+
+
+It seems strange that in a democratic country, overburdened with
+school-rates, free education should be offered in the public schools to
+the children of the well-to-do and even wealthy people. To give
+opportunities to those who have clever children and cannot afford to
+pay for their education, such was the spirit which dictated the
+foundation of scholarships and exhibitions in the public schools, which
+schools are under the supervision of the Charity Commissioners.
+
+The Charity Commissioners! The organizers of that well-ordered British
+charity which begins at home!
+
+But all this again does not concern me. If it did, I should say to
+gentlemen enjoying revenues of £700, £800, and £1,000 a year: "My dear
+sirs, you can afford to pay school fees for your children; please to
+leave these scholarships to your less fortunate countrymen."
+
+My diary contains a few recollections about foundation scholars and
+their parents which suggested the foregoing remarks to me. Pardon me
+for having given them a place here.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have always noticed that the parents of foundation scholars are much
+more troublesome and exacting than those who pay their twenty or thirty
+pounds a year to the school for their sons' tuition fees.
+
+The school is their property, the masters their servants, and when
+complaints are lodged with the authorities you may be sure they come
+from them.
+
+They imagine, for instance, that the school ought to provide the boys
+with books, and think it very hard that they should be called upon to
+pay for them. When their sons are ordered to get a new book, they
+generally take a fortnight to obtain it.
+
+"Where is your book?" you say to a scholar you see looking at his
+neighbor's.
+
+"Please, sir, it has not come yet; I have ordered it at the stores."
+
+Two weeks later the book makes its appearance.
+
+When the boys raise subscriptions for their sports, which ought to be
+supported especially by those who owe a debt of gratitude to the
+school, or for a testimonial got up in favor of a retiring master, or
+in memory of a celebrated old pupil, the few recalcitrants are
+invariably to be found among the free scholars.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our boys one day decided on founding a little literary society. As a
+few periodicals were to be bought and other little expenses incurred,
+their committee passed a resolution that an annual subscription of five
+shillings should be demanded of the members.
+
+A father immediately wrote to the young president of the new society,
+asking if it was compulsory for his boy to join the society, as he did
+not see the force of paying five shillings for what, he thought, his
+boy was entitled to enjoy for nothing. The _pater_ received his due by
+return of post. The president of the society answered:
+
+    "DEAR SIR:
+
+    "Your son is not at all compelled to join our society. The
+    subscription of five shillings was decided upon simply to keep our
+    meetings select."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Englishman has a supreme contempt for what is cheap. It is in his
+nature. He cannot understand that there is any value in what he has not
+to pay for.
+
+I cannot forget the time when a young lunatic hanged himself at
+Christ's Hospital, and the plethora of letters that were sent to the
+papers by parents who seemed to be anxious to seize the opportunity of
+trying to bring discredit on that splendidly conducted school, one of
+the most interesting philanthropic institutions in England.
+
+A father, sheltering himself behind a pseudonym, went the length of
+writing to the _Daily News_ to say that he had had three sons educated
+at Christ's Hospital, but that he thanked God he had not any more to
+send there.
+
+The Governors of Christ's Hospital spend £60 a year upon each blue-coat
+boy. The three sons of this "indignant" father therefore cost the
+Hospital something like £2,000.
+
+What respect this man would have felt for the school if the money had
+been drawn out of his own pocket in the shape of capitation fees!
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following conversation once took place between a lady and the head
+master of a great public school:
+
+"I have a little boy eleven years old," said the lady, "whom my husband
+is anxious to have educated here. He is a very clever little fellow. We
+have heard that, on leaving the school to go to one of the two great
+universities, some boys received exhibitions varying in value from £80
+to £100 a year for four years. Do you think, sir, that our son would
+get one, for the probability of his obtaining such an exhibition would
+be a great inducement to us to trust the boy to your care?"
+
+"Well," replied the head-master, with great command over his
+countenance, "I am afraid I cannot commit myself to any such promise."
+
+The lady retired. Her promising son was probably sent to a more
+accommodating school.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The same head-master once received the visit of a man who asked him
+point-blank if the scholarship examinations were conducted honestly,
+or, in other words, if the scholarships were given according to merit.
+
+From the answer he received he deemed it expedient to beat a speedy
+retreat.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a school has to offer, say, six scholarships to the public, and
+there are a hundred candidates applying for them, you may easily
+imagine that it is difficult to persuade the parents of the ninety-four
+boys who fail that the scholarships are given according to merit.
+
+In distributing six scholarships among a hundred candidates you make
+six ungrateful fathers and ninety-four discontented ones.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Whilst our school was being rebuilt in another part of the metropolis,
+a loving mother called on the head-master in the City to intimate her
+intention of placing her little boy in the school as soon as the new
+building would be finished, and also to ask if she would be allowed to
+see the room in which her dear child would be taught.
+
+It was a great pity the building was not advanced enough at the time to
+permit of her securing a corner for "her darling pet."
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+The mother to be most dreaded is the one whose husband has left her for
+India, or some other warm climate. She is restless, inquisitive, and
+never satisfied. Each remark you make to her son brings her on the
+school premises for inquiries. She writes letter upon letter, pays
+visit upon visit.
+
+Once a week her son brings you a little note in the following style:
+
+"Mrs. X. presents her compliments to Mr. So-and-so, and begs that her
+son may be excused for not having prepared his lesson, as he had a bad
+headache last night."
+
+A husband may be a nuisance in a house, but when I was a school-master
+I always thought he was a great improvement to it.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+    (_In the Examination Room._)
+
+Sometimes parents send up their sons for scholarship examinations with
+very little luggage.
+
+I remember a dear little boy, between ten and eleven, who was a
+candidate for one of our vacant scholarships.
+
+On reaching the seat that was assigned to him, he was provided with the
+Latin paper by the school secretary, and presented with half a ream of
+beautiful writing paper for his answers.
+
+We thought he did not appear very busy, and presently, as I came up to
+him, I spoke a few kind words and gave him a little pat on the back.
+
+"Well, how are you getting on?" I said.
+
+"Please, sir, I can't do this paper. I don't know what it is about," he
+said, looking at me as if for help.
+
+"Don't you know any Latin?" I inquired.
+
+"Yes, sir; I know my first two declensions."
+
+"Is that all the Latin you know?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"I suppose you won't take up Greek, will you?"
+
+"I expect I had better not, sir, as I have never learned any," he
+replied, with his eyes half out of their sockets. "Is it difficult,
+sir?" he suggested, thinking I was not looking satisfied with his
+answer.
+
+"Not very," I replied; "but if I were you I would not have my first try
+at it to-day."
+
+"Thank you, sir," said my little friend.
+
+"Do you know any French?" I then asked.
+
+"Please, sir, mamma taught me a few sentences."
+
+"Well, let me hear."
+
+"Please, sir, I know _Quelle heure est-il?_ and _Comment vous
+portez-vous?_"
+
+"Any grammar?"
+
+"No, sir."
+
+"Don't you know the French for _I shall have_?"
+
+"No, sir, I don't think I do."
+
+"Do you know any mathematics?"
+
+"Do you mean arithmetic, sir?"
+
+"Yes, I do."
+
+"Please, sir, I can do addition, subtraction, multiplication, and short
+division."
+
+"I suppose you will try the English subjects. Do you know any English?"
+
+"Yes, sir, I can speak English," he said, looking at me with surprise.
+
+"Of course you can," I replied; "but you know some history, I suppose.
+Have you ever read any English history?"
+
+"Yes, sir, I have read 'Robinson Crusoe.'"
+
+"Well, well, my poor boy, I am afraid you have not much chance of
+getting a scholarship."
+
+"Haven't I?" said the dear child, and he burst into tears. Then he
+handed me a letter, which was addressed to the head-master.
+
+It was a supplication from his mother. Her little boy was very clever,
+she said, and she hoped he would not be judged by what he actually
+knew, but by what she was sure he would be able to learn if admitted
+into the school.
+
+Poor child! we comforted him as well as we could, and sent him back to
+his mamma. He was very miserable.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ladies are sometimes great at testimonials, and they must think it very
+ungentlemanly of men not to favor their candidates.
+
+When our head science mastership was vacant, over a hundred
+applications were lodged with the head-master for his consideration. I
+remember that among the candidates there was one who was only provided
+with a single testimonial, and this from a lady (an old lady, I
+imagine). The testimonial was to the effect that "she had known Mr. P.
+for many years. He was a good and steady young man, and she knew he was
+very fond of science."
+
+This testimonial failed to secure the appointment for its owner.
+
+
+
+
+XVII.
+
+THE ORIGIN OF ANGLOMANIA AND ANGLOPHOBIA IN ENGLAND.--A TYPICAL
+FRENCHMAN.--TOO MUCH OF AN ENGLISHMAN.--A REMARKABLE FRENCH MASTER.
+--JOHN BULL MADE TO GO TO CHURCH BY A FRENCHMAN.--A NOBLE AND
+THANKLESS CAREER.--A PLACE OF LEARNING.--MONS. AND ESQUIRE.--ALL
+LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.--ONE EXCEPTION.--WONDERFUL ADDRESSES.
+
+
+The French in England are of two sorts, those who, by their intelligence,
+industry, and perseverance, have succeeded in building up an honorable
+position for themselves, and those who, by the lack of these qualities,
+vegetate there as they would be pretty sure to do anywhere.
+
+The former do not all love the land of their adoption, but they all
+respect it. The latter, unwilling to lay their poverty at their own
+door, throw the blame upon England for not having understood them, and
+they have not a good word to say for her. It never occurred to them
+that it was theirs to study and understand England, and that England is
+not to be blamed for not having studied them and changed her ways to
+accommodate them.
+
+They never part with a shilling without remarking that for a penny they
+would be able to obtain the same value in France. You often wonder how
+it is they stick to this country instead of honoring their own with
+their presence.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have always been an admirer of that worthy Frenchman who carries his
+patriotism to the extent of buying all his clothing in France. He
+declares it impossible to wear English garments, and almost impossible
+to wear out French ones. Besides, he does not see why he should not
+give his country the benefit of some of the guineas he has picked up
+over here. Like every child of France, he has the love of good linen,
+and according to him the article is only to be found in Paris.
+
+So he goes about in his narrow-brimmed hat, and turned-down collar
+fastened low in the neck, and finished off with a tiny black tie, a
+large expanse of shirt-front, and boots with high heels and pointed
+toes. As he goes along the street, he hears people whisper: "There's a
+Frenchman!" But, far from objecting to that, he rather likes it, and he
+is right.
+
+He speaks bad English, and assures you that you require very few words
+to make yourself understood of the people. He does not go so far as
+Figaro, but his English vocabulary is of the most limited.
+
+Without making any noise about it, he sends his guinea to all the
+French Benevolent Societies in England, and wherever the tricolor
+floats he is of the party.
+
+He likes the English, and recognizes their solid qualities; but as he
+possesses many of his own, he keeps to his native stock.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+How this good Frenchman does shine by the side of another type, a type
+which, I am happy to say, is rare--the one who drops his country.
+
+The latter, when he speaks of England, says: "_We_ do this, _we_ do
+that, in England," not "The English do this, the English do that." He
+would like to say, "We English," but he hardly dares go that length.
+
+He dresses _à l'anglaise_ with a vengeance, makes it a point to
+frequent only English houses, and spends a good deal of his time in
+running down his compatriots.
+
+He does not belong to any of the French societies or clubs in England.
+These establishments, however, do not miss him much more than his own
+country.
+
+I once knew one of this category. His name ended with an _e_ mute
+preceded by a double consonant. The _e_ mute was a real sore to him,
+the grief of his life. Without it he might have passed for English. It
+was too provoking to be thus balked, and, as he signed his name, he
+would dissimulate the poor offending little vowel, so that his name
+should appear to end at the double consonant.
+
+He was not a genius.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Acting under the theory of Figaro, "_Qu'il n'est pas nécessaire de
+tenir les choses pour en raisonner_," I have heard an Englishman,
+engaged in teaching French, maintain that it was not necessary to be
+able to speak the French language to teach it.
+
+On the other hand, I once heard an eminent Frenchman hold that the less
+English a French master knew the more fit he was to teach French.
+
+Both gentlemen begged their audience to understand that they made their
+statements on their own sole responsibility.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+I never met a French master who had made his fortune, nor have you, I
+imagine.
+
+I once met in England a French master who had not written a French
+grammar.
+
+I was one day introduced to a Frenchman who keeps a successful school
+in the Midland counties. He makes it a rule to sternly refuse to let
+his boys go home in the neighboring town before one o'clock on Sundays.
+When parents ask him as a special favor to allow their sons to come to
+their house on Saturday night or early on Sunday morning, he answers:
+"I am sorry I cannot comply with your request. It has come to my
+knowledge that there are parents who do not insist on their children
+going to church, and I cannot allow any of my pupils to go home before
+they have attended divine service."
+
+John Bull made to go to church by a Frenchman! The idea was novel, and
+I thought extremely funny.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+To teach "the art of speaking and writing the French language
+correctly" is a noble but thankless career in England.
+
+In France, the Government grants a pension to, and even confers the
+Legion of Honor upon, an English master[13] after he has taught his
+language in a _lycée_ for a certain number of years.
+
+      [13] Among the nominations in the Legion of Honor, published on
+      the 14th of July, 1884, I noticed the name of the English master
+      (an Englishman) in the _lycée_ of Bordeaux.
+
+The Frenchman who has taught French in England all his lifetime is
+allowed, when he is done for, to apply at the French Benevolent Society
+for a free passage to France, where he may go and die quietly out of
+sight.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you look at the advertisements published daily in the "educational"
+columns of the papers, you may see that compatriots of mine give
+private lessons in French at a shilling an hour, and teach the whole
+language in 24 or 26 lessons. Why not 25? I always thought there must
+be something cabalistic about the number 26. These gentlemen have to
+wear black coats and chimney-pots. How can they do it if their wives do
+not take in mangling?
+
+Mystery.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a southern suburb of London, I remember seeing a little house
+covered, like a booth at a fair, with boards and announcements that
+spoke to the passer-by of all the wonders to be found within.
+
+On the front-door there was a plate with the inscription:
+
+    "Mons. D., of the University of France."
+
+Now Englishmen who address Frenchmen as "Mons."[14] should be forgiven.
+They unsuccessfully aim at doing a correct thing. But a Frenchman
+dubbing himself "Mons." publishes a certificate of his ignorance.
+
+      [14] "_Mons._, a familiar and contemptuous abbreviation of
+      Monsieur."--LITTRÉ, "Dictionnaire de la Langue Française."
+
+The house was a double-fronted one.
+
+On the right window there was the inscription:
+
+    "French Classes for Ladies."
+
+On the left one:
+
+    "French Classes for Gentlemen."
+
+The sexes were separated as at the Turkish Baths.
+
+On a huge board, placed over the front door, I read the following:
+
+    "_French Classes for Ladies and Gentlemen.
+    Greek, Latin, and Mathematical Classes.
+    Art and Science Department.
+    Music, Singing, and Dancing taught.
+    Private Lessons given, Families waited upon.
+    Schools attended.
+    For Terms and Curriculum, apply within._"
+
+What a saving of trouble and expense it would have been to this living
+encyclopædia if he had only mentioned what he did not teach!
+
+Since I have called your attention to the expression _Mons._, and
+reminded you of its proper meaning, never send a letter to a Frenchman
+with the envelope addressed as _Mons._
+
+I know, dear American reader, that _you_ never do. But you have
+friends. Well, tell them to write _Monsieur_ in full; or, as cobblers
+in their back parlors are now addressed as _Esquires_, rather confer
+the same honor upon a Frenchman. He will take it as a compliment.
+
+Democracy is making progress in England. Where is the time when only
+land-owners, barristers, graduates of the Universities, were addressed
+as Esquires?
+
+All ladies and gentlemen in England now.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+Not all, though.
+
+A young lady friend, who visits the poor in her district, called one
+day at a humble dwelling.
+
+She knocked at the door, and on a woman opening it, asked to see Mrs.
+----.
+
+"Oh! very well," said the woman, and, leaving the young lady in the
+street, she went inside, and called out at the top of her voice:
+
+"Ada, tell the _lady_ on the second floor that a _young person_ from
+the district wants to see her."
+
+_Apropos_ of "Esquire" I should like to take the opportunity of paying
+a well-deserved compliment to the Postal Authorities in England.
+
+Some eight years ago, I lived in the Herbert Road, Shooter's Hill, near
+London.
+
+After three weeks of wonderful peregrinations, a letter, addressed in
+the following manner, duly reached me from France:
+
+    Angleterre Esquire
+
+           Monsieur....
+
+                Erbet Villa
+
+                      près Londres.
+
+My dear compatriot had heard that "Esquire" had to be put somewhere, or
+else the letter would not reach me.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+This is not the only letter addressed to me calculated to puzzle the
+postman.
+
+A letter was once brought to me with the following high-flown
+inscription:
+
+    "Al gentilissimo cavaliere professore
+          Signor...."
+
+But what is even this, compared to the one I received from a worthy
+Bulgarian, and which was addressed to
+
+    "Monsieur....
+          Métropolitain de Saint Paul."
+
+I was at the time teaching under the shadow of London's great
+cathedral.
+
+
+
+
+XVIII.
+
+THE WAY TO LEARN MODERN LANGUAGES.
+
+
+I have always felt a great deal of sympathy, and even respect, for that
+good, honest, straight-forward young British boy who does not easily
+understand that in French "a musical friend" is not necessarily _un ami
+à musique_, nor "to sit on the committee," _s'asseoir sur le comité_,
+unless the context indicates that it is the painful operation which is
+meant. Poor boy! For him a foreign language is only his own, with
+another vocabulary; and so, when he does a piece of translation, he
+carefully replaces on his paper each word of his English text by one of
+the equivalents that he finds for it in his dictionary, rarely failing
+to choose the wrong one, as I have already said. Now comes _que_. Shall
+he put the subjunctive or the indicative? He has learnt his grammar:
+he could, if occasion required, recite the rules that apply to the
+employment of the terrible subjunctive mood. He has even, once or twice
+in his life, written an exercise on the subject, and as it was headed
+"Exercise on the Subjunctive Mood," he went through it with calm
+confidence, putting all the verbs in the subjunctive, including those
+that it would have been advisable to put in the indicative. This done,
+he was not supposed to commit any more mistakes on this important point
+of grammar. He might as well be expected to be an experienced swimmer
+after once reading Captain Webb's "Art of Swimming," and going through
+the various evolutions indicated in the pamphlet, _à sec_ on the floor
+of his papa's parlor.
+
+I admit that the French teacher of a public school ought to be a good
+philologist to make his lessons attractive to the students of the upper
+forms, and insure their success under examination; I admit that he
+should know English thoroughly, to be able to explain to them the
+delicacies of the French language, and maintain good discipline in his
+classes; I admit that he should be able to teach grammar, philology,
+history, literature; but I maintain that he ought never to lose sight
+of the most important object of the study of a living language,--the
+putting of it into practice; he should, above all things, and by all
+means, aim at making his pupils speak French. It is not enough that he
+should speak to them in French, even in the upper forms, where he would
+be perfectly understood: understanding a language and speaking it are
+two very different things. Neither will he attain his end by means of
+dull manuals of imaginary conversations with the butcher, the baker,
+and the candlestick-maker; these will, at most, be useful in helping a
+foreigner to ask for what he wants at a _table d'hôte_. You will not
+get grown-up, intelligent, and well-educated boys to come out of their
+shells, unless you make it worth their while. Now, Englishmen, like
+Americans, love argument, very often for argument's sake, and every
+school-boy, in England as in America, is a member of some society or
+committee, and at its meetings tries his wings, discusses, harangues,
+and prepares himself for that great parliamentary life, which is the
+strength of the nation.
+
+Then, I ask, why not turn this love of discussion to account?
+
+Start a French debating society in every school, and you will teach
+your generation to speak French. Such a proposition may sound bold, but
+it has been tried in several public schools, and has proved a complete
+success.
+
+What cannot a teacher do that has succeeded in winning the esteem and
+affection of his pupils? First, make them respect you, then gain their
+hearts, and you will lead the young by a thread.
+
+Take twenty or thirty boys, old enough to appreciate the interest you
+feel in them, and say to them, "My young friends, let us arrange to
+meet once a week, and see if we cannot speak French together. We will
+chat about any thing you like: politics even. Do not be afraid to open
+your lips, it is only _la première phrase qui coûte_. I am neither
+a Pecksniff nor a pedant, a dotard nor a wet blanket; in your company,
+I feel as young as the youngest among you. Do not imagine that I shall
+bring you up for the slightest error of pronunciation you make. I
+remember the time when I murdered your language, and I should be sorry
+to cast the first stone at you. At first I shall only correct your
+glaring mistakes; by degrees, you will make fewer and fewer, although,
+alas! you will very likely always make some. What does it matter? I
+guarantee that in a few months you will be able to understand all that
+is said to you in French, and express intelligibly in the same language
+any idea that may pass through your brain."
+
+These little French parliaments work admirably; the earliest were
+started in two or three English schools four or five years ago. Each
+has its president--the head French teacher of the school, its honorary
+and assistant secretaries, and, if you please, its treasurer, who
+supplies the members with two or three good French papers, and, when
+the finances of the society permit, provides the means of giving a
+_soirée littéraire_. I have seen the minute-book of one of these
+interesting associations. Since its formation, this particular debating
+society has altered the whole map of Europe, greatly to the advantage
+of the United Kingdom. The young debaters have upset any number of
+governments, at home and abroad, done away with women's rights, and
+declared, by a crushing majority, that ladies who can make good
+puddings are far more useful members of society than those who can make
+good speeches. Young British boys have very strong sentiments against
+women's rights. In literature, the respective merits of the Classicists
+and the Romanticists have been discussed, and the "three unities"
+declared absurd and tyrannical by these young champions of freedom.
+
+The speakers are not allowed to read their speeches, but may use notes
+for reference, and I notice that speakers, who at first only ventured
+short remarks, soon grew bold enough to hold forth for ten minutes at a
+time. In many instances, the president has had to adjourn a debate to
+the next meeting, on account of the number of orators wishing to take
+part in it. These minutes, written in very good French indeed, do great
+credit to the young secretary who enters them. I have myself been
+present at meetings of these societies, and I assure you that if you
+could see these young fellows rise from their seats, and, bowing
+respectfully to the president, say to him: "_Monsieur le Président,
+je demande la parole_," you would agree with me that, so far as good
+order, perfect courtesy, and unlimited respect for opposite views are
+concerned, these small gatherings would compare favorably with the
+meetings of honorables and even right-honorables that are held at the
+Capitol, the Westminster Palace, and the _Palais Bourbon_.
+
+It is clear to my mind that, by such means, English boys can be made to
+speak French in the most interesting manner, and the one best suited to
+their taste. I firmly believe that if the great schools, public or
+private, were to start similar societies, that if all the young men
+knowing a little French were to form in their districts, such
+associations under the leadership of able and cheerful Frenchmen,
+England, or America for that matter, would in a few years, have a
+generation of French-speaking men.
+
+I have always been at a loss to understand how boys who have been
+studying a language for nine or ten years should leave school perfectly
+unable to converse intelligibly in that language for five minutes
+together. It seems nothing short of scandalous.
+
+Yet the reason is not far to be found. In England, at any rate, modern
+languages are taught like dead languages: they are taught through the
+eyes, whereas they should be taught through the ears and mouth.
+
+The French debating society seems to me the best mode of solving the
+difficulty. I have often given this piece of advice to John Bull, and I
+myself founded a successful French debating society in England. Let
+Jonathan forgive my presumption if I avail myself of his kind and
+generous hospitality to give him the same advice.
+
+
+
+
+XIX.
+
+ENGLISH AND FRENCH SCHOOLBOYS.--THEIR CHARACTERISTICS.--THE QUALITIES
+OF THE ENGLISH SCHOOL-BOY.--WHAT IS REQUIRED OF A MASTER TO WIN.
+
+
+I have often been asked the question, "Are English boys better or worse
+than French ones?"
+
+Well, I believe the _genus_ boy to be pretty much the same all the
+world over. Their characteristics do not show in the same way, because
+educational systems are different.
+
+Both English and French boys are particularly keen in finding out the
+peculiarities of a master, and taking his measure.
+
+They are both inclined to bestow their affection and respect on the man
+who is possessed of moral and intellectual power; it is in their nature
+to love and respect what is powerful, lofty, and good.
+
+Boys are what masters make them.
+
+Both English and French boys are lazy if you give them a chance; both
+are industrious if you give them inducements to work. They will not
+come out of their shells unless you make it worth their while.
+
+Both are as fond of holidays as any school-master alive.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+French boys are more united among themselves, because their life would
+be intolerable if close friendship did not spring up between them, and
+help them to endure a secluded time of hardship and privations.
+
+English boys are prouder, because they are freer. Their pride is born
+of liberty itself.
+
+The former work more, the latter play more.
+
+But comparisons are odious, especially when made between characters
+studied under such different circumstances.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+What I can affirm is that a Frenchman need not fear that English boys
+(such as I have known at any rate) will take advantage of his
+shortcomings as regards his pronunciation of the English language to
+make his life uncomfortable. I have always found English boys
+charitable and generous.
+
+A Frenchman will experience no difficulty in getting on with English
+schoolboys if his character wins their respect, and his kindness their
+affection; if he sympathizes with them in their difficulties; if he
+deals with them firmly, but always in a spirit of fair play, truth, and
+justice; if he is
+
+    "To their faults a little blind,
+    And to their virtues very kind."
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+_Appendix._
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a joke."--(MARK TWAIN.)
+
+
+PAGE.
+
+  7. _Appartement de garçon_, "bachelor's quarters," not "waiter's
+apartment."
+
+ 12. _Fors l'honneur_, "except honor" (a phrase used by Francis I.
+of France, when he announced his defeat at Pavia to his mother).
+
+ 13. _Gare du Nord_, "Great Northern Railway Terminus," in Paris
+(celebrated for its Cloak Room, where, on his arrival from England,
+John Bull deposits his baggage of superfluous virtue).
+
+ 16. _Très bien, Monsieur_, "Very well, sir." (I owe to the reader
+many apologies for translating such an _idiomatic_ phrase as
+this.)
+
+ 19. _Qui frise ses cheveux et la cinquantaine_, literally, "Who
+curls her hair and fifty summers." (The word _friser_ means both
+"to curl" and "to border on." I hope the reader will see the joke.)
+
+ 21. _Recherché_, "refined."
+
+ 22. _Planche_, "a plank."
+
+ 33. _Allons me voila sauvé_, "Now I am saved."
+
+ 41. _Migraine_, "Sick headache," an indisposition to which French
+ladies are subject, when they are reading a novel and do not wish to be
+disturbed by callers.
+
+ 48. _Elle se retira...._ "She retired to her room and prepared for
+bed. But who could sleep? Sleep!"
+
+ 48. _Celui qui écrit_, literally "He who writes."
+
+ 49. _Poitrine_, "chest" (part of the body). _Caleçons_
+ (unmentionables).
+
+ 49. _Il feutra, il gaucha_, formed from the nouns _feutre_ ("felt,"
+ material) and _gauche_ ("left,"contrary of "right").
+
+ 51. "Look at Pierrot hanging
+     Because he did not restore the book;
+     If the book he had restored
+     Pierrot wouldn't have been hanged."
+
+     FAC-SIMILE OF JOHN BULL, JUNIOR'S, EXERCISE.
+
+     1. Europe is a part of the world.
+     2. Asia is a part of the world.
+     3. Africa is a part of the world.
+     4. America is a part of the world.
+     5. My father is in France.
+     6. My cousin is in Germany.
+     7. Your brother is in Dresden.
+     8. Where is thy sister? She is in Paris.
+
+ 54. _Egal_, "Equal."
+
+ 55. _Savoir_, "to know." The future is _je saurai_.
+
+ 57. _Vouloir_, "to want." The future is _je voudrai_.
+
+ 63. _Je serai_, "I shall be."
+     _Je serais_, "I should be."
+
+ 73. The feminine words respectively mean "trumpet," "medicine," "navy,"
+"sculpture," whereas the masculine names respectively mean "trumpeter,"
+"doctor," "sailor," "sculptor." This is an old examination question, a
+time-honored chestnut of the University of London.
+
+ 73. _Restait cette redoutable infanterie...._ "There remained the
+redoubtable infantry of the Spanish army, whose big close battalions,
+like so many towers, but towers that could repair their own gaps, stood
+unshaken in the awful din of battle and fired from all parts" (with my
+apologies to the shade of Bossuet).
+
+ 74. _La fille de feu...._ "The daughter of my good and esteemed
+deceased cousin is always welcome."
+
+ 74. _Mon frère...._ "My brother is wrong and my sister is right."
+
+ 74. _Elle partit...._ "She left the following morning."
+
+ 75. _Diable!..._ "Good heavens! the old man is capricious!"
+
+ 76. _Je laisse Renaud...._ "I leave Renaud in the gardens of Armida."
+ (The worthy boy took _Renaud_ for _Renard_, a fox--that's near
+ enough.)
+
+ 76. _Chaque âge a ses plaisirs._ "Each age has its pleasures."
+
+ 77. _Les exploits d'Hercule...._ "The exploits of Hercules are mere
+ play compared to."
+
+ 77. _Monsieur, ne vous retournez pas._ "Sir, do not look round."
+
+ 78. _Il raccommodait...._ "He mended old shoes."
+
+ 78. _Baissant les yeux_, "Casting down her eyes."
+
+ 84. _Dimanche_, "Sunday."
+
+ 84. _Manche_, near enough to _manger_ (to eat) for Johnny.
+
+ 84. _Cordon bleu_, skilful cook. (Teetotalers in England wear blue
+ribbons, hence the boy's confusion.)
+
+ 89. _Baccalauréat-ès-sciences_, degree of B.Sc.
+
+ 92. _Avec de belles dents...._ "With fine teeth never was a woman
+ugly."
+
+ 93. _Arriver, naître, venir, sortir, partir_, "to arrive," "to be
+born," "to come," "to go out," "to set out."
+
+120. _Savate_, boxing and kicking; _canne_, cane (fencing expression).
+
+135. _Avez-vous du mal?_ "Are you hurt?" The Englishman understands
+_Avez-vous deux malles?_ "Have you two trunks?"
+
+135. _Garçon, j'ai faim_, "Waiter, I'm hungry."
+
+138. _Ses amis_, "his friends." _Seize amis_, "sixteen friends."
+
+146. _Quelle heure est-il?_ "What o'clock is it?" _Comment vous
+portez-vous?_ "How do you do?"
+
+152. _Qu'il n'est pas nécessaire...._ "That it is not necessary to
+know any thing of a subject to speak on it."
+
+153. _Lycee_, "French public school."
+
+159. _Un ami à musique_ would mean a friend who could give off a tune
+by being pressed _upon_.
+
+163. _Monsieur le Président, je demande la parole_, "Mr. President, I
+ask for the floor."
+
+
+
+
+_UNLIMITED FUN!_
+
+MARK TWAIN SAYS: "It is a darling literary curiosity."
+
+ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT.
+
+Genuine answers to Examination Questions in our Public Schools.
+Collected by one who has had many years' experience.
+
+For glaring absurdities, for humorous errors, for the great
+possibilities of the English language, see this book.
+
+    Cloth, Gilt Top, Uncut Edges,       Price, $1.00
+
+    Boards, Flexible, (new style),      Price,   .50
+
+
+FROM "TOPICS OF THE TIME" IN APRIL "CENTURY."
+
+"Nothing could be more amusing than the unconscious humor of 'English
+as She is Taught' yet where is the thoughtful reader whose laughter is
+not followed by something like dismay? Here are examination papers
+taken from many schools, evolved from many brains; yet are they so like
+character that all might be the work of one puzzled school-boy
+struggling with matters too deep for him."
+
+"A side-splitting compilation."--_Pall Mall Gazette_, London.
+
+"More to laugh over than any book of its size ever published."--_Boston
+Times._
+
+
+CASSELL & COMPANY, LIMITED,
+
+104 & 106 FOURTH AVENUE, NEW YORK.
+
+
+
+
+CASSELL'S "RAINBOW" SERIES
+
+Of New and Original Novels.
+
+By Popular American and Foreign Authors. In Large 12mo volumes of 192
+pages each. Elegantly printed on good paper and bound in paper cover.
+
+PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS PER VOLUME.
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+_NOW READY._
+
+DEAD MAN'S ROCK. By Q.
+
+A QUEER RACE. By WM. WESTALL.
+
+MRS. PEIXADA. By SIDNEY LUSKA.
+
+JOHN PARMELEE'S CURSE. By JULIAN HAWTHORNE.
+
+AS IT WAS WRITTEN.--A Jewish Musician's Story. By SIDNEY LUSKA.
+
+WHO IS GUILTY? By PHILIP WOOLF, M.D.
+
+WANTED--A SENSATION; A Saratoga Incident. By EDWARD S. VAN ZILE.
+
+A MORAL SINNER. By MYRTILLA N. DALY.
+
+SCRUPLES. By MRS. J. H. WALWORTH.
+
+MARVELOUS IN OUR EYES. By EMMA E. HORNIBROOK.
+
+CALAMITY JANE. By MRS. G. E. SPENCER.
+
+WITNESS MY HAND. By the author of "Lady Gwendolen's Tryst."
+
+A PRINCE OF DARKNESS. By FLORENCE WARDEN.
+
+KING SOLOMON'S MINES. By H. RIDER HAGGARD.
+
+NATASQUA. By REBECCA HARDING DAVIS.
+
+OLD FULKERSON'S CLERK. By MRS. J. H WALWORTH.
+
+OUR SENSATION NOVEL. Edited by JUSTIN H. MCCARTHY, M.P.
+
+MORGAN'S HORROR. By GEORGE MANVILLE FENN.
+
+A CRIMSON STAIN. By ANNIE BRADSHAW.
+
+_OTHER VOLUMES IN PREPARATION._
+
+
+CASSELL & COMPANY, LIMITED,
+
+102 and 104 Fourth Avenue, New York.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of John Bull, Junior, by Max O'Rell
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN BULL, JUNIOR ***
+
+***** This file should be named 33564-8.txt or 33564-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/5/6/33564/
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.