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The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
June 28 1890, by Various

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Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 28 1890

Author: Various

Editor: Sir Francis Burnand

Release Date: August 24, 2010 [EBook #33526]

Language: English

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 98, JUNE 28TH 1890

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_




MODERN TYPES.

(_By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer._)

NO. XIV.--THE LADY FROM CLOUDLAND.

[Illustration]

AT intervals of a few years the torpor of London Society is stirred by
the carefully disseminated intelligence that a new planet has begun to
twinkle in the firmament of fashion, and the telescopes of all those
who are in search of novelty are immediately directed to the spot.
Partially dropping metaphor, it may be stated that a hitherto unknown
lady emerges, like the planet, from a cloud under which, as the
envious afterwards declare, the greater part of her previous existence
has been spent. But Society, under the influence of boredom, is
tolerant of new sensations and of those who seek to provide them.
Those who guard its portals are, in these latter days, bidden not
to be over-curious in the inquiries they make of applicants for
admission, and eventually it may come to pass that the approaches
and avenues are opened as readily to one who comes trailing clouds of
obscurity, as to her who shines with the steady lustre of acknowledged
position.

The Lady from Cloudland soars into the ken of fashion in various
places. Very often she is found for the first time in the little
mock temple which pious worshippers at the shrine of rank build for
themselves on the Riviera. They have their ceremonial closely copied
from the London model. They dance, they receive, they organise
bazaars. They launch out into tea-parties, and grow warm over the
discussion of scandals. They elect unto themselves leaders, and
bow their foreheads to the dust before the golden splendour of an
occasional scion of Royalty; in short, they cling as closely as
foreign skies and foreign associations permit to the observances which
have made English Society pre-eminent in its own respect, and in the
good-natured ridicule of less-favoured nations. But since the majority
of them have come in search of health, they cannot despise or reject
one who qualifies for consideration and interest by suffering,
and who, to the piquancy of an unknown origin, adds the high
recommendation of good looks--which are not too good--of a cheerful
temper, and an easy tact, which can only come of much knowledge of
many worlds. Such a one is the Lady from Cloudland. Many are the
questions asked about her, and even more various are the answers
given. "My dear," one lady will say to another, at the house of a
common friend, where the Lady from Cloudland has become the centre of
a throng of admirers, "I hear, on the very best authority, that her
mother used to sell flowers in the City, and that she herself was for
some years a Circus Rider in America. Whenever I meet her I feel a
dreadful inclination to say _Houp-la!_, instead of, How do you do?" To
which her friend will reply that she, on her side, has been informed
that the lady in question was formerly attached to the conjugal tribe
of an Indian Rajah, and was rescued by a Russian, whom she shortly
afterwards poisoned. They will then both invite her to their next
entertainments, asking her by no means to forget those delightful
Burmese love-ditties which only she can sing as they ought to be sung.

The Lady from Cloudland, however, does not limit her ambition to the
hybrid Society of the South of France. She intends to make for herself
a position in London, the Mecca of the aspirant, and she proposes
to use those who thus console themselves with spitefulness as
stepping-stones for the attainment of her object. At the beginning of
the following London Season Society will learn, by means of the usual
paragraphs, that "Mrs. So-and-So, whose afternoon party last year
in honour of Prince ---- was one of the most brilliant successes of a
brilliant Riviera Season, has taken the house in May Fair, formerly
occupied by Lord CLANRACKET." The reiteration of this news in many
journals will set tongues wagging in London. Again the same questions
will be asked, and different answers will be returned. In due
course she arrives, she receives and is received, and she conquers.
Henceforward her parties become one of the features of the Season.
In rooms arranged tastefully in an Oriental style, with curtains,
hangings, delicately worked embroideries, woven mats of charming
design and tropical plants, she welcomes the throng who come at her
invitation. She moves by degrees. Contenting herself at first with a
small _charge d'affaires_ or a Corean plenipotentiary, she soon
rises to a fully fledged Ambassador and a bevy of secretaries and
_attaches_. Her triumph culminates when she secures a deposed monarch
and his consort. She is clever, and knows well that those whom she
seeks to entice will overlook their own ignorance with regard to her
if only they can be certain of being amused and interested in her
house. She, therefore, contrives, without transgressing the higher
_convenances_, to banish all ceremonial stiffness from her parties,
and to import in its place an atmosphere of cheerful gaiety and
musical refinement. For, whatever she may have once been, there can
be no doubt that when London makes her acquaintance she possesses, not
only charming manners, but innumerable accomplishments which are as
salt to the jaded palate of Society people. Thus she progresses from
season to season, and from success to success.

In her second year she becomes a favoured guest in many country
houses, where an effort is made to relieve the tedium of daily
shooting parties by nightly frivolities. Soon afterwards she is
presented at Court, and becomes herself a patroness to many foreigners
who desire by the exercise of their talents to make a precarious
living in England. By these she is considered to be one of the suns
from which the great world draws its light and warmth. In her third
Season she is sufficiently secure to introduce into Society her
daughter, aged eighteen, who has hitherto (so she will inform her
friends) been receiving a good education abroad. Accompanied by "my
little girl," she may be seen, on fine afternoons, reclining in her
spick and span Victoria, in the midst of the crowd in the Ladies'
Mile. She is thus hedged round with a respectability which not even
indiscreet inquiries after her late husband (for it is understood that
he died and left her in comfort many years before) can disturb. She
permits herself occasionally, it is true, to join _chic_ parties at
fashionable restaurants, but these, since they are often under titled
patronage, can scarcely be considered serious lapses from propriety.
After having herself presented her daughter at Court, and having given
(in London) a party which was attended by Royalty, she is beyond the
reach of cavil or reproach. Here and there a jealous and disappointed
social rival may still mutter dark hints about ancient vagaries, and
meaning looks may still be exchanged by male and female gossips,
but for the great mass of those who frequent Society she is as
irreproachable as though her ancestry for twenty generations had been
set down in the pages of _Burke_ or _Debrett_. Eventually she marries
her daughter to the younger son of an Earl, and having made of the
marriage festivities _the_ great social function of the Season, she
herself soon afterwards retires to some extent from the business of
Society, and devotes herself chiefly to the cultivation of simple
pleasures and hot-house flowers in a luxurious retreat on the banks of
the Thames.

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

SOCIAL.

"_Haven't missed a word you said_;" _i.e._, "Gracious! where was she?"

"_Not exactly pretty, perhaps, but so nice_;" _i.e._, "As pappy in
character as she is plain in face."

RAILROAD AMENITIES.

"_No, thanks; reading in a railway carriage always tries my poor eyes
so_;" _i.e._, "I've better occupation for them just now."

"_Pardon my drawing the blind; the glare in a railway carriage
always makes my head ache_;" _i.e._, "Shows up my wrinkles and
moustache-dye."

THEATRICAL.

"_She is an intelligent and experienced artist_;" _i.e._, Much too old
for the part.

EFFUSIVE FLATTERY.

"_Thank you so much for your dear little Book of Poems. I haven't read
them yet, but next time we meet I'll tell you what I think of them_;"
_i.e._, "I hereby make a solemn resolution, if I can possibly help it,
never to meet you again in this life."

PERFUNCTORY APOLOGY.

"_I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm sure I beg your pardon_;" _i.e._,
"Stupid fool! Serves you right for sticking out your feet, and
tripping up everybody who happens to stumble on to them."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: REDUCED TO A SHADOW!--Probable Result of Parliamentary
Pressure.]

       *       *       *       *       *

DIANA AT DINNER.

    [On the first page of the prospectus of the
    recently-established "Dorothy" Restaurant it is stated that
    it is for "Ladies only." On the last page will be found the
    following modification:--"At the request of many of the Lady
    customers, it has been decided to open the Restaurant from
    6.30 P.M. to 10 P.M. to both Ladies and Gentlemen."]

  THERE was started in London, I mustn't say where,
    And, beyond saying lately, I mustn't say when,
  A sweet Restaurant, where the sex that is fair
    Might attend undisturbed by the presence of men.

  "We are forced to endure you in Park and in Row,
    We must bear you unwilling in hansom or 'bus;
  But if any stray _here_, they shall meet with a No,--
    So attempt not the haunt that is sacred to Us.

  "Be warned, O intruder, nor venture to lag
    When the nymphs of Diana the huntress draw nigh.
  Fly, fly from their presence as fleet as a stag.
    Lest you meet with the fate of Actaeon, and die."

  Thus the Ladies addressed us; the tables were set,
    The silver was polished, the viands displayed.
  And, like doves in a dove-cote, the customers met,
    In a plumage of silks and of muslins arrayed.

  "This is sweet!" said AMANDA. "Delightful!" said JANE.
    While the rest in a chorus of "Charming!" combined.
  And, declaring they cared not if dishes were plain,
    So the men remained absent, they solemnly dined.

  And they toyed with their _entrees_, and sipped their Clicquot,
    And their smiles were as sweet as the wine that they drank.
  But at last came a whisper--"Oh dear, this is slow!"
    "Hush, hush!" said the others. "How dreadfully frank!

  "Not slow; but there's something--I scarcely know what,
    An absence, a dulness I cannot define.
  It may be the soup, which was not very hot,
    Or the roast, or the waiting, the ice, or the wine.

  "But I'm sure there's a something." And so they agreed,
    And they formed a Committee to talk of the case.
  And a programme was issued for all men to read,
    Bidding men (on page one) to abstain from the place.

  But, since it is harder to ban than to bless,
    "For their own sakes," they said, "we will humour the men."
  If you turn to the last page, you'll find this P.S.:--
    "Men allowed, by desire, from 6.30 to 10."

       *       *       *       *       *

TRUE NOSTALGIA.

[Illustration: "ULLO! DUBOIS? YOU IN LONDON?"

"OUI, MON AMI. JE SUIS ARRIVE DE PARIS CE MATIN, ET J'Y RETOURNE CE
SOIR PAR LE CLUB-TRAIN!"

"IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE COME TO LONDON?"

"NON, MON AMI. MAIS C'EST LA PREMIERE FOIS QUE J'Y RESTE AUSSI
LONG-TEMPS!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

WEEK BY WEEK.

IN the course of last week it was universally remarked that the _beau
monde_ betook itself by the usual methods of conveyance to Ascot.
A very smartly-appointed coach, horsed entirely by blue-black
hippogriffs, attracted much attention. The lunches were of more than
ordinary magnificence, and it was calculated that, during the week,
no less than 5,624,907 bottles of champagne were consumed. The
pigeon-pies were, as usual, composed mostly of beef.

       *       *       *       *       *

One charming toilette was the cynosure of neighbouring eyes in the
Enclosure. It was constructed of four gold _galons_, tastefully
distributed on a blue silk ground intended to represent the Lake of
Geneva. This was fringed with _passementerie_ of the most ancient
design, and picked out with minute red spots arranged in geometrical
figures. The bonnet was composed of a single scrap of antique lace
folded over a threepenny bit.

       *       *       *       *       *

H.R.H. the Grand Duke of KATZENJAMMER, who is making a stay of several
weeks in the Metropolis, in order that he may study free institutions
on the spot, has been, we are informed, busily engaged in writing and
answering letters during the past three days.

       *       *       *       *       *

An interesting story, of which His Royal Highness is the hero, is
going the round of the Clubs. It appears that on his arrival at the
hotel in which he has established himself with his suite, the Grand
Duke, whose absence of mind is well known, forgot to remunerate the
cabman who had driven him. This individual, however, with the rudeness
which is still, we regret to say, characteristic of the lower orders
of our fellow countrymen, made repeated applications for his money,
and eventually threatened to call in a policeman or to take out a
summons. On this becoming known to the Grand Duke, he at once gave
orders that the cabman should be ushered into his presence, and, after
presenting him with a paper gulden, invested him then and there with
the order of the Golden Ball, at the same time exclaiming that honesty
and perseverance in humble life were always worthy of commendation.
The cabman is said to have been much moved. In these democratic days,
such instances of princely condescension are not without value.

       *       *       *       *       *

We are requested by the Earl of C-V-NTR-Y to state that he is sick to
death of the whole business, and has eliminated the word "enclosure"
from every dictionary he has been able to lay his hands on. He had
intended at first to admit nobody, but was overruled, and he cannot,
therefore, hold himself responsible for the presence of various people
who seemed to think that they ought to be treated like unseasonable
strawberries, first forced, then exhibited, and then swallowed.

       *       *       *       *       *

An amusing incident is reported from the remote frontier village of
Pusterwitz in Moldavia. A cobbler who had manufactured the boots of
the Burgomaster ventured to submit his bill for payment. The populace,
infuriated by this insult to their beloved Magistrate, after binding
the offender in calf at the local publishing office, proceeded to
slice him into small pieces with their _schneide-messers_ (the
native knife), to the immense delight of a crowd of peasants from the
surrounding districts. The Burgomaster was much touched by this proof
of popular devotion.

       *       *       *       *       *

GOING TOO FAST.--M. ALEXANDRE JACQUES, who is announced as "a rival to
SUCCI," is at this moment dispensing with food at the Royal Aquarium.
He intends carrying out this self-denying programme for two days
beyond a couple of score--possibly as a proof of his fortitude or (as
a Cockney would pronounce the word) "forty-two'd." The last time this
talented person dispensed with sustenance, was in Edinburgh, when he
did not partake of any meal in the Douglas Hotel for thirty days--a
feat, one would think, that must have been more interesting to the
Medical Profession than the proprietor of the hostelry. However, as
M. JACQUES fought for his country in 1870-71, he should be a most
pleasant guest for the next six weeks or so to dinner-givers with a
taste for economy.

       *       *       *       *       *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, June 16._--"This is something like old
times," said TIM HEALY, briskly rubbing his hands. "Poor JOSEPH
GILLIS! pity he didn't live to see this night."

[Illustration: At Bay.]

Very like old times, indeed. Seventy questions on the paper, increased
fourfold by others put arising out of the answer. Practice is for
Irish Members to put question; Prince ARTHUR reads answer from
manuscript supplied from Irish Office; then uprise in succession
half-a-dozen other Irish Members, each asking fresh question. Prince
ARTHUR with one leg crossed over other and hand to chin sits looking
and listening; presently when there is lull, lounges up to table and
makes answer. FERGUSSON looks on in wonder. "What would become of
me," he said, "supposing after I had read out my cut-and-dried answer,
half-a-dozen fellows sprang on my back, and with fists in my face
demanded reply to quite new question. I'm afraid I'd be lost."

That exceedingly probable. FERGUSSON'S floundering when momentarily
adrift from sheet-anchor of his written reply decidedly painful.
Prince ARTHUR saunters up to very mouth of guns of battery opened on
him from Irish camp; looks straight down them; fires his shot; and
saunters back; often a nasty shot, too; plumps in middle of camp and
sets them all a roaring. This takes place every night. To-night lasted
an hour. Once threatened repetition of scenes of decade after '74.
Would have so happened but for tact and presence of mind of SPEAKER;
cool and collected amid the clash of arms and roar of constant
cannonading. JOHN DILLON standing with folded arms and flashing eyes,
"Like NAPOLEON when he couldn't cross the Alps," said NICHOLAS WOOD,
looking on from a safe distance.

The SPEAKER also on his feet with stern cry of "Order! Order!" Long
JOHN O'CONNOR sitting on Bench below, darting straight up and down,
with swift regular movement, for all the world like the piston of a
steam-engine. Ministerialists bellowing in continuous roar at JOHN
DILLON, still on his feet; uprises JOHN O'CONNOR with intent to
offer observation; roar redoubled; reaches demoniac proportions; JOHN
O'CONNOR plops down again; noise partially subsides; suddenly the
piston discovered bolt upright; another roar; down it goes; all the
while the SPEAKER crying aloud for "Order!" and JOHN DILLON standing
with fiercer frown and arms more tightly folded.

"What was it NAPOLEON said when he couldn't cross the Alps?" NICHOLAS
whispered, tremulously. "'If the Alps won't come to MAHOMET, MAHOMET
must go to the Alps.' No, I don't think it was quite that; but was
something to that effect; and I'm sure something will happen if DILLON
doesn't sit down."

Just when matters reaching crisis, DILLON gave way; the piston on
the bench below simultaneously ceased its action; and the SPEAKER, in
quiet, grave tones, that had immediately soothing effect, suggested
that, if any more information was required, it should be sought in the
usual way, by Questions placed on the Paper. JOHNSTON o' Ballykilbeg,
who had overheard GILL incidentally allude to Prince ARTHUR as prone
to untruth, wanted the SPEAKER to take notice of irregularity. But
SPEAKER judiciously deaf. As for JOHN O'CONNOR, glad of a little rest.

"All I wanted, TOBY," he explained, "was to hurl the word 'Crime' in
BALFOUR'S teeth."

"Exactly," I said; "nothing more natural or desirable. But you should
tone down the tendency towards the steam-engine-piston action, for
which, I do not deny, you possess some natural advantages."

_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill.

_Tuesday._--"What's this I hear about Heligoland?" says NICHOLAS WOOD.
Hardly knew him; so changed. A dull, heavy look faded over his usually
mobile countenance; his svelte figure puffed out, and bent. "Only
fortnight ago, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE proposed to give up
Heligoland; barter it for a case of German Sausages, says he.
FERGUSSON very properly angry; me and other good Tories protested
against this new Separatist policy. Couldn't find Heligoland on the
map."

"Ha!" I say, "but Germany has found it, and taken it, and the MARKISS
is willin'."

"Very odd," says NICHOLAS; "can't make it out; like a thing out of a
play; never go to a play, you know, but understand this sort of thing
is somehow done: first you see it, then you don't; Heligoland British
territory; to be sacrificed only with last drop of blood; Radical
Separatists rapped on knuckles for suggesting handing over; then we
wake up, and find it's been handed over, and by the MARKISS! Tell you
what it is, TOBY, think I shall cut this business; not brought up to
politics; find them a little weakening."

[Illustration: The Ladies' Man.]

OLD MORALITY announced programme for remainder of Session. In bulk
something exceeding ordinary programme when brought in in February.
Now it is the so-called June; every prospect of sitting till October;
House groans and growls; terrible charges flying round; WINTERBOTHAM
darkly accuses Cabinet Minister of keeping a public-house. HICKS-BEACH
admits soft impeachment, but pleads it's "only a little one, brings
me in only L20 a-year rent." "Miserable!" says NEWNES, who owns _Tit
Bits_.

General feeling of sympathy with BEACH. WINTERBOTHAM apologises; if
he'd known it was only L20 wouldn't have said anything. OLD MORALITY,
in his kind way, presses BEACH'S hand; has troubles of his own to
bear; but a man who owns a public-house and draws only L20 a-year from
it, takes precedence in sympathy.

Over stern conflict and cantankerous sitting, PLUNKET sheds beam of
genial humour. TIM HEALY asks if there could not be lift arranged to
Ladies' Gallery. "Too expensive," says PLUNKET. "Too dear, he means,"
murmurs HOWORTH, who runs DICK TEMPLE close in his devotion to the
Ladies. "Why," objects GEORGE CAMPBELL, whose eye nothing escapes,
"there is already a lift for coal. Why not substitute Ladies for
coal?"

"You see," said PLUNKET, smilingly, "we cannot do either without coal
or without Ladies, and it is difficult to combine them in a lift."

GEORGE CAMPBELL not sure. When he has time to withdraw his thoughts
from Central Asia, will look into the matter.

_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. Ministerial
majority reduced to 29.

_Thursday._--"I really can't do it," said MACLURE. "Oh, you must,"
said CHAPLIN; "hard work, I know, but put on a spurt and there you
are."

"Wish I _was_ there," said MACLURE, mopping his forehead. "All very
well for slim young thing like you; but seventeen stun isn't the
form for a short spin, especially with these confounded steps."
Scene--passage by Cloak-room into House of Commons; time 5.19 P.M.;
bell ringing furiously; Division imminent; PENROSE FITZGERALD with
jacket shorter than ever, trousers turned up with a grace that maddens
with envy. BOBBY SPENCER and LEWISHAM, on watch at top of staircase.

"Come along!" he shouts; "dividing on First Clause of Compensation
Bill; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE sprung a mine on us; got all their
men here; ours down at Ascot; wouldn't be you for a quarter's salary,
CHAPLIN. Hurry up! hurry up! Put your best leg forward, MACLURE!"

"That's all very well," said MACLURE, testily; "but which _is_ my best
leg?"

[Illustration: On Outpost Duty.]

The two heavy-weights pounded gallantly along; been to Ascot;
thought they'd be back in plenty of time for Division; and here's
Division-bell at its last shake. HARTINGTON come up with them;
striding ahead; wins easily; CHAPLIN reaches door of House just as it
is closing; with tremendous effort, MACLURE pulls himself together;
throws himself on doorway; nothing could stand rush like that; door
bursts open; MACLURE and Compensation Bill saved. A very close shave.
When Division taken, 228 vote for Government, 224 against; majority
Four--the four who raced up the staircase hot from Ascot.

Crowded House in wild excitement. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE consumed
in bitterness of spirit. "If we'd divided half an hour ago we should
have had majority of 25; a quarter of an hour ago, ten minutes ago,
five minutes ago, sixty seconds earlier, we'd have won. But those
Irish Shylocks must have their pound of verbosity. Couldn't resist
temptation of putting an extra question, even for certainty of
defeating Government. When they're once started on subject of
shadowing, they go off by the hour."

"Well, never mind," said GORST; "you know it isn't the first time in
history that men have sacrificed the substance for the shadow."

_Business done._--The Government's--very nearly.

_Friday._--HOME SECRETARY in the Dock; Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, Q.C.,
instructed by Mr. HENRY FOWLER (Messrs. CORSER, FOWLER, & LANGLEY,
Wolverhampton), prosecuted. Prisoner, who was accommodated with a
seat, conducted his own defence. After long consultation, Jury could
not agree, and were discharged without a verdict.

_Business done._--Metropolitan Police Vote agreed to.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.

_Monday._--_Carmen._ ZELIE is the accepted _Carmen_ this season--no
better; and MAGGIE MACINTYRE as _Michaela_, which, being an awkward
name to pronounce, might be abbreviated to _Mickie_. DAN DRADY the
Dramatic, excellent as _Escamillo_. One singer in a season plays many
parts, and one part is played by several singers. How would a theatre
succeed conducted on this plan, so that the same play should be
produced on certain nights with a different cast? Here is DAN DRADY,
for example; he plays _Escamillo_, tragi-comedy, one night; another
time he is the noble _San Bris_ in _Les Huguenots_; another, he
is _Figaro_ the loquacious _Barber of Seville_; another, he is the
devil-may-care gallant _Don Giovanni_; and, though best in serious
parts, he is good in all of them. On other occasions, when _Carmen_
is given, the cast will be changed; some other singer will represent
_Escamillo_, or someone will replace MAGGIE as _Mickie_; RAVELLI the
Reliable will have been _Don Jose_ once, and then MONTARIOL or YBOS
(why Boss? Can't yet make this out), or even JEAN DE RESZKE may
represent the nincompoop soldier. Suppose _A Pair of Spectacles_, with
a change of cast, Mr. HARE out of it occasionally, and Mr. ... Ah!
there's the difficulty, Mr. Who, taking his part. Imagine _Faust_
without IRVING as _Mephistopheles_. What a big Company it would
require! No; better leave well alone.

[Illustration: Mr Punch.]

_Tuesday._--_Faust._ Always a safe draw. Same cast as before. Worth
noting, that GOUNOD has given _Wagner_ very little to do in this
Opera, and that little not of his best. Evidently GOUNOD does not
possess a strong sense of humour, or he wouldn't have lost such a
chance as this. In the Kermesse Scene _Wagner_ should have commenced
one of his own Wagnerian strains, in the Wagnerian style, and been
immediately stopped by the student's applause.

_Wednesday._--_Le Nozze di Figaro._ Always charming. Should like
to see examination paper on the plot of _Le Nozze_, questions to be
answered without any reference to book.

    1. Give succinct and clear account of the plot.

    2. What connection with plot have _Figaro's_ father and
    mother?

    3. What social position among the Count's guests are the
    ladies of the ballet supposed to hold?

    4. Having stated this, account for their costumes.

    5. Why does Mlle. PALLADINO, the chief dancing guest, take no
    sort of notice of _Il Conte_ and _La Contessa_? Are they not
    on speaking terms? If not, why not?

    6. Why is _Don Bartolo_ always made up and costumed as a
    superior Pantaloon?

Delighted again to see ELLA RUSSELL as _Susanna_. To think that only
the other evening she was the graceful and stately _Queen Marguerite_
in _Les Huguenots_, and now she is a _soubrette tres piquante_.
There are other pages in Madame SCALCHI'S history--the page in
_the Huguenots_, for example, and his twin brother in _Lucrezia
Borgia_--which like me more than her _Cherubino_. Vocally DAN DRADY
the Dramatic is all right; but he is too severe for _Figaro_ the
barber. Good house considering it is Ascot week, and on this night
when such sad rumours are in the air, everyone sincerely delighted at
seeing the Marchioness of LORNE in the Royal Box.

_Thursday._--_Cup Day_, Ascot. _Romeo et Juliette._ Most
appropriate: _Juliette_ takes the Cup.

_Friday, Don Giovanni_; and _Saturday, Lucia_. This deponent sings,
"Not there, not there, my child!" "Eye hath not seen,"--I mean, "_I_
have not seen" these two on these two particular occasions; but I
believe that, in consequence of my absence, the Opera went on as
usual, and DRURIOLANUS did not have to come before the Curtain and
make an apology.

       *       *       *       *       *

IN THE KNOW.

(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)

THE crass and pernicious dulness of some people exceeds belief.
There exists at the office of this paper a _person_--he is absolutely
unworthy of any other designation--who presumed last week to abstain
from inserting in these columns the article to which the sporting
millions of his fellow countrymen were looking for information with
reference to the Ascot doings. I have no doubt whatever that _he
himself used the hints_ which that article contained, for I have since
seen him in a brand-new hat and a gold watch-chain, the result of his
ill-gotten gains. For my own sake I am forced to explain this sinister
business, lest the preposterous suet-headed Mr. J. should triumph,
and my readers should suppose for a moment that I would willingly
disappoint them. I have kept a copy of what I wrote, and I here
transcribe some of it in self-defence.

"With regard to the Royal Hunt Cup," I observed, "only a bat-eyed
bargee, with the brains of a molluscous monkey, could fail to see the
merits of _Morion_. _Morion_, it is well known, is an open helmet, but
it doesn't follow from that that the Hunt Cup is an open event. Far
from it. Visor, or no visor, those who elect to stand on _Morion_,
need anticipate no trouble from anything else, for _Morion_ is as
certain to win the race as Mr. J. is to make a green-gooseberry fool
of himself before another week is out." There was accuracy. No silly
beating about the bush, but a straightforward piece of information,
which not even the great band of boozy Bedlamites and buffoons who
dance attendance on Mr. J. could have mistaken. But, as I said, no
blame attaches to me in the matter.

Now then with regard to the Gold Cup. I said: "In the Gold Cup the old
adage holds, _Medio tutissimus ibis_. The Ibis, I may mention, though
he was an Egyptian bird, cannot be termed a flyer. However, take the
three words _The Gold Cup_, select the middle word, open your
mouth, bung up the eyes of anyone who impedes you, and wire to your
Commissioner." The middle word was "Gold," and _Gold_, of course, won
the Cup that was of, _or_ belonging to him. Ask Prince SOLTYKOFF if
am right or wrong. And for the rest, if any fuddling, bolus-brained,
bran-faced, turnip-tongued, hippopotamus-headed moon-calf doubts my
word, let him remember that there are pistols for two--_and coffee for
one_, in Belgium, and let him tremble.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE WAY WE SHALL LIVE SOON.

(_From the Diary of the Automatically Conducted._)

7 A.M.--Turned out of automatically constructed bed and deposited
on the floor. Am picked up and hurled into an automatic dressing,
washing, and shaving chair, after which, being dressed by self-acting
machinery, descend by switchback lift to dining-room, where I am fed
by an "automatic private breakfast supplier" while listening to last
night's speeches in the House, and the latest gossip, furnished by one
of the "_Phonographic Association's Parliamentary and Social Scandal
Machines_."

10 A.M.--Take automatic horse exercise, and am thrown twice, being
picked up each time automatically by a self-registering and revolving
automatic policeman.

NOON.--Attend the marriage of a favourite niece, assisting at the
subsequent social entertainment which is supplied to the assembled
guests on the platform of a West-End terminus from one of the
"Twopenny Wedding Breakfast Company's Automatic Machines," the
Bridegroom at the same time presenting the Bridesmaids with a handsome
Penny Piece of Jewellery from a similar source.

4 P.M.--Hair cut automatically, but, owing to some want of nice
adjustment in the machinery, having managed to get ears clipped
smartly at the same time, put penny into slot and consult an automatic
pillar-post. Eventually get my head (and my hat too, by mistake)
strapped up by patent automatic binder in the ward of an automatically
conducted Hospital.

8 P.M.--Dine automatically with automatic halfpenny appetite,
listening to Phonographic Italian Opera at one of Metropolitan
District Underground Stations.

10 P.M.--Dragged up-stairs mechanically by switch-back lift, and have
my boots pulled off by machinery, being automatically flung into a hot
bath, turned out, scrubbed, lifted out, dried by a revolving towel,
and eventually thrown into bed and tucked up, and finally sent
to sleep by Phonograph repeating good things said by funny man at
previous day's evening-party.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MONRO DOCTRINE (_not to be adopted by Sir Edward Bradford_). That
the control of the legislative proposals of the Government should be
"a question of police."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.

_Jones (after a delightful Waltz)._ "AND NOW, MISS BROWN, LET US GO
AND SEEK SOME 'REFRESHMENT FOR MAN AND BEAST!'"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!"

_A Song of (Imperial) Shop._

  OH, nice little, plump little German boy,
    Approaching the Counter of B. & Co.,
  You never, most probably, hoped to enjoy
    In the way of business--a way _you_ know--
  An opportunity half so good
    For doing a smart little stroke of trade.
  BULL'S Shopman, you see, is in generous mood,
    As "wonderful bargains" his wares are arrayed,
  And treasures,--no wonder you jump with glee!
  Are "Given away with a Pound of Tea!"

  _Do ut des!_ That's the motto, of course,
    _The_ motto of Shop in the Fatherland;
  It was laid down by OTTO with lucid force,
    And CAPRIVI its bearings doth understand.
  But the man at the Counter of JOHN BULL'S Stores,
    The drift of the doctrine seems hardly to grasp;
  So his Teuton customer collars and scores.
    He's stolid and 'cute, or he'd stare and gasp
  To see the possessions of Mr. JOHN B.
  "Given away with a Pound of Tea!"

  Pays for 'em? Humph! With a Zanzibar cheque;
    Like a "Bank of Elegance" counterfeit note,
  Or a draft on oneself; worth a penny a peck.
  Such paper as this on the market to float!
    Giving you what is yours, or at least is not _his_,
  In exchange for whatever he happens to want,
    Is what slangy Sportsmen call "very good biz,"
  For _him_, though for you, BULL, it looks like a "plant,"
  Have you any more goods, BULL, you'd like to see
  "Given away with a Pound of Tea?"

  Kilima Njara, no doubt, was a boon,
    To the innocent butterfly-hunting boy.
  (Who sups with the--Teuton, should have a long spoon,
    For his appetite's eager and dainties don't cloy.)
  The Hinterland comes in most handy, no doubt,
    And then that nice bonus of Heligoland!
  Ah, truly, the Teuton knows what he's about.
    But Shopman SALISBURY, why should he stand
  And advertise goods of his master J. B.
  As "Given away with a Pound of Tea?"

  What's the next article? Pray, do not shrink
    From "giving a name to it," small German boy;
  The Shopman so smiles, one might verily think
  That "parting's" _not_ "sorrow," but what he'll enjoy.
    "Surrender," and "Scuttle," and all the bad terms
  Once hurled at "the Shirkers" to roost now return.
    Where _is_ the last Jingo? One fancies he squirms
  And invokes ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. Could he Jingos spurn,
  Do worse--the old Shopman, false W.G.--
  Than cry, "Given away with a Pound of Tea?"

  Though a bargain's a bargain, and not a bad stroke
    When a little good-nature secures a firm friend,
  Reciprocity all on one side's a poor joke,
    And a bargain that's bad is a bargain to mend.
  That German is not yet gone out of the shop,
    Recall him a moment--to look at that cheque!
  It may not be one that a banker would stop,
    But is it "Good Value"? This rede you may reck,
  Mr. Shopman, _sans_ shame. 'Tis pure fiddle-dedee
    To give _too_ much away with your Pound of Tea!

       *       *       *       *       *

HARROW OR HANVER?

FROM an all-too-brief correspondence in the _P. M. G._, we learn that
Mr. JOHN ADDINGTON SYMONDS is very angry with Mr. FRANK HARRIS for a
statement appearing in a _Fortnightly Review_ article of his, that he
"went to Hanver at the age of thirteen." Mr. SYMONDS explains that it
was to Harrow that he went at that period of his life, and that he
has never been to Hanver at all--which, no doubt, is a matter of great
importance to mankind in general. He complains, moreover, that his
essay is "villanously ill-edited." Surely this is what _Polonius_
would call "an ill-phrase," and suggests a doubt whether Mr. SYMONDS
cultivated much at Harrow those "ingenuous arts," the study of which
"softens the manners and does not permit them to be brutal." Perhaps
it is not even now too late for him to pick them up. He might try
Hanver.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LADIES' YEAR.

[_Miss Margaret Alford (of Girton) Niece of scholarly Dean Alford, is
announced in one of the four "Senior Classes" at Cambridge._]

  "A DREAM of Fair Women"--who shine in the Schools,
  The Muse should essay ere her ardour quite cools.
  Come, bards, take your lyres and most carefully tune 'em,
  For Girton in glory now pairs off with Newnham.
  Miss FAWCETT the latter with victory wreathed,
  And now, ere the males from their marvel are breathed,
  Miss MARGARET ALFORD, the niece of the Dean,
  As a Classical First for the former is seen.
  Let Girton toast Newnham, and Newnham pledge Girton,
  And--let male competitors put a brisk "spurt" on,
  Lest when modern Minerva adds learning to grace,
  Young Apollo should find himself out of the race!

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

[Illustration: The Mephistophelian Whistlerian Butterfly "On the
Pounce" at Antwerp.]

"_The Gentle Art of making Enemies, as pleasantly exemplified in
many instances," &c., &c._ (for full title see the book itself) is,
whatever "_Messieurs les Ennemis_" may think of it, a work of rare
humour. Of course you must first of all be interested in King JAMES
and his subjects,--his principal subject being himself, (and lucky the
man who can _command himself_)--and you must wish to know the story of
his rights and wrongs; then this interest and desire being taken for
granted, the book of the butterfly is a thing of beauty and a joy for
now and ever. The heads are epigrammatic and the tails sprightly, and
both eminently characteristic, for the heads tell their own tales, and
the tails in tadpolian scheme are the outcome of the heads. Most
of the waggery is in these tailpieces, which, one and all of them,
represent the real Whistlerian spirit, "the Familiar" of ETCHER JAMES,
that is the Demoniacal Butterfly "in various aspics," as Mrs. MALAPROP
might say. Does the Butterfly's Master address "_Messieurs les
Ennemis_," the Familiar Spirit is all politeness, with head down and
wings outstretched saluting before coming to "on guard." Does Master
"rid himself of the friendship of the many?"--the little Demon shakes
a reef out of his tail and flies upwards, to return after a short
flight of fancy. On occasions when Master has been reflecting
comically and satirically on some of his attackers, or on his
detractors, the volatile Imp literally shakes his sides with
uncontrollable laughter, and can't stand upright for very mirth. The
famous "Ten o'clock" which has been immortalised by _Mr. Punch_ as
the "Ten-and-sixpenny o'clock," in consequence of the tickets being
half-a-guinea apiece, is here reprinted. PROSPERO WHISTLER packs up
his bag of tricks, buries his wand, makes his bow with a little speech
at a testimonial dinner given to him by his friends, and the Familiar
Demon Butterfly, free at last, darts into space, leaves "Finis"
below,--then, you turn over the page, all is blank,--Magician and
Familiar have vanished!

DAVID STOTT, not of Oldham, but of Oxford Street, publishes dainty
little pocket volumes, and here is one yclept _Essays or Counsels of
Francis Bacon_. "Put it in the bag!" says the Baron, "and let it be my
travelling companion, so that, whenever I want refreshment I may feed
on BACON, that many-sided philosopher." It is a wonderfully handy
volume, tastefully and substantially bound, and its type of the very
clearest. Much-occupied men, who can only snatch here a moment and
there a moment for reading, ought to be grateful to the inventors
and the publishers of all handy books, meaning, says the Baron, books
which are really handy, and which, without destroying the natural
elegance of your figure or the set of your garments, you can carry
comfortably and imperceptibly in your tail coat pocket.

_Notes from the News._ By JAMES PAYN. (CHATTO AND WINDUS.) Notes on
passing events of all sorts, spiced with capital stories, which
will indeed be a big capital to be drawn upon by the dining-out
_raconteur_,--the only thing against his present success being that
most persons will have read these stories in _The Illustrated London
News_ or in this volume. It is a book for the weary work-all-day man
to dip into, and to come out of it again refreshed. When in doubt as
to what light reading to take up, the Baron advises, "Take PAYN'S."

  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

P.S.--My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Summer Holiday
Number of _All The Year Round_, which consists of a complete story
entitled, _A Mist of Error_, by MARY ANGELA DICKENS. The authoress is
the granddaughter of the great novelist, and the daughter of his son,
the most popular of editors, and the best of good fellows. My "Co."
reports, that the novelette is full of promise, and is a proof that
literary genius is hereditary. Interesting from the first page to the
last, _A Mist of Error_, in spite of its title, is never suggestive
of a fog. My faithful "Co." is also delighted with _Men of the Time
Birthday Book_, compiled by Mr. J. F. BOYES, F.S.A.--a charming little
Volume that everyone will be proud to possess. He prophesies that it
will be one of the most popular of Birthday Books, and congratulates
its compiler on the production of a work of distinct historical value.

       *       *       *       *       *

A GREAT GUNN.

    [GUNN, the great Notts' Batsman, playing for the Players of
    England against the Australians at Lords, on June 19 and 20,
    made 228 runs, the highest individual score ever made in this
    country against the Australians.]

  SUCH calm, graceful batting, of funk as defiant,
    As proof against flurry, deserved the crowd's roar.
  'Twas Cricket, indeed, when the Nottingham Giant,
    Against the best batting, piled up that huge score;
  And the crowd as they watched him smite, play, block, or run,
    Could grasp the full meaning of "Sure as a GUNN!"

       *       *       *       *       *

ROBERT AT THE LEATHERSELLERS'.

WE had been so preshus busy at "the Grand Hotel" lately, that I hadn't
seen werry much of my deer old Citty, but larst week I was arsked for
to go and offishyate there at the jolly Leathersellers Company's Grand
Dinner, as they was about to have a very distangy Party including one
of our most sellybrated Hartist's, who's that poplar that ewerybody
calls him 'ARRY instead of 'ENERY, as must in course have been the
name as his godmothers and godfathers gav him when he was quite young
and had his fust taste of a cold Bath, and most probberbly didn't like
it.

So I went accordingly, and a werry scrumpshus Bankwet they had,
includin them trewly Royal luxeries '80 Shampane and '47 Port! Ah!
what a thing it must be to be a Royal or a Nobel persson, and to live
on all the Fat of the Land, and wash it all down with nothink yunger
than '80 shampain and '47 Port! And no matter where you gos, or
weather it's to lay down a Fust Stone, or to Hopen a Hexibishun, or to
take a Chair at a nobel Charity Dinner, there it is all reddy for you,
and a hole crowd of Peeple a watching you a eating and a drinking of
'em, and a thanking you artily for taking the trubble of doing so! Ah!
I sumtimes werrily beleeves as that my nateral tastes tells me as I
was horiginally hintended for sum such useful life myself!

Well, arter the Bankwet of course we had all the reglar gushing
speeches, and werry bewtifool but rather lengthy they was, but
presently a sumthink appened as more estonished me praps than anythink
as has appened to me for some time past.

The hartistick and poplar Gent as ewerybody calls ARRY FURNACE
was called upon to return thanks for Hart, when to my intense
estonishment, and ewerybody else's emusement, he acshally said as how
as his frend "ROBERT," seeing how garstly pale he turned when he was
told wot he wood have to do, had writ down for him 6 lines of most
bewtifool Poetry, which he at wunce proceeded to recite, and sat down
amid enthusiastick cheers and shouts of larfter! Seeing my look of
puzzled surprise, he kindly turned round to me and said, "Look here,
ROBERT, as I've rather taken a libberty with your honnerd name,
I'll repay you by taking another with your well-known features," and
borrowing a bewtifool pencil of me, that I had bort the day before for
a penny, he acshally sketched three likenesses of me in his Book of
the Songs, and giving it to me, said, with his merry laugh. "There, I
hope that will console you for my bit of harmless fun;" and from what
I was offered for my three sketches when I showed 'em about, after he
was gone, I thinks, that upon the whole, I got a werry good share of
the larf on my own side of the mouth.

ROBERT.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN.

HE DETERMINES TO TRY THE AUTOMATIC PHOTOGRAPHING MACHINE, THE STATION
BEING EMPTY. TO HIS DISMAY A CROWD HAS GATHERED, AND WATCHES THE
OPERATION.]

       *       *       *       *       *

AN IDEAL INTERVIEWER.

SCENE--_Den of latest Lion._

_Latest Lion (perusing card with no visible signs of gratification.)_
Confound it! don't remember telling the Editor of _Park Lane_ I'd
let myself be interviewed. Suppose I must have, though. (_Aloud to_
Servant, _who is waiting_.) You can show the Gentleman up.

_Servant (returning)._ Mr. WALSINGHAM JERMYN!

[_A youthful Gentleman is shown in; he wears a pink-striped
shirt-front, an enormous button-hole, and a woolly frock-coat, and is
altogether most expensively and fashionably attired, which, however,
does not prevent him from appearing somewhat out of countenance after
taking a seat._

_The L. L. (encouragingly)._ I presume, Mr. JERMYN, you're here to
ask me some questions about the future of the British East African
Company, and the duty of the Government in the matter?

_Mr. Jermyn (gratefully)._ Er--yes, that's what I've come about, don't
you know--that sort of thing. Fact is (_with a burst of confidence_),
this isn't exactly my line--I've been rather let in for this. You see,
I've not been by way of doin' this long--but what's a fellow to do
when he's stony-broke? Got to do _somethin_', don't you know. So I
thought I'd go in for journalism--I don't mean the drudgery of it,
leader-writin' and that--but the light part of it, _Society_, you
know. But the other day, man who does the interviews for _Park Lane_
(that's the paper I'm on) jacked up all of a sudden, and my Editor
said I'd better take on his work for a bit, and see what I made of it.
I wasn't particular. You see, I've always been rather a dead hand at
drawin' fellows out, leadin' them on, you know, and all that, so I
knew it would come easy enough to me, for all you've got to do is
to sit tight and let the other chap--I mean to say, the man
you're interviewin'--do all the talking, while you--I mean to say,
myself--keep, keeps--hullo, I'm getting my grammar a bit mixed;
however, it don't signify--_I_ keep quiet and use my eyes and ears
like blazes. Talking of grammar, I thought when I first started that
I should get in a regular hat over the grammar, and the spellin', and
that--_you_ write, don't you, when you're not travellin'? So you know
what a grind it is to spell right. But I soon found they kept a Johnny
at the office with nothing to do but put all your mistakes right for
you, so, soon as I knew that, I went ahead gaily.

_The L. L._ Exactly, and now, perhaps, you will let me know what
particular information you require?

_Mr. J._ Oh, _you_ know the sort of thing the public likes--they'll
want to know what sort of diggings you've got, how you dress when
you're at home, and all that, how you write your books, now--you
do write books, don't you? Thought so. Well, that's what the public
likes. You see, your name's a good deal up just now--no humbug, it
_is_ though! Between ourselves, you know, I think the whole business
is the balliest kind of rot, but they've got to have it, so there you
are, don't you see. I don't pretend to be a well-read sort of fellow,
never was particularly fond of readin' and that; no time for it, and
besides, I've always said _Books_ don't teach you knowledge of the
world. I know the world fairly well--but I didn't learn it from
books--ah, you agree with me there--_you_ know what skittles all that
talk is about education and that. Well, as I was sayin', I don't read
much, I see the _Field_ every week, and a clinkin' good paper it is,
tells you everythin' worth knowin', and I read the _Pink Un_, too. Do
you know any of the fellows on it? Man I know is a great friend of one
of them, he's going to introduce me some day, I like knowin' literary
chaps, don't you? You've been about a good deal, haven't you? I expect
you must have seen a lot, travellin' as you do. I've done a little
travellin' myself, been to Monte Carlo, you know, and the Channel
Islands--_you_ ever been to the Channel Islands? Oh, you ought to go,
it's a very cheery place. Talkin' of Monte Carlo, I had a rattlin'
good time at the tables there; took out a hundred quid, determined
I would have a downright good flutter, and Jove! I made that hundred
last me over five days, and came away in nothing but my lawn-tennis
flannels. That's what I _call_ a flutter, don't you know! Er--beastly
weather we're havin'! You have pretty good weather where you've been?
A young brother of mine has been out for a year in Texas--he said
_he_'d very good weather--of course that's some way off where _you_'ve
come from--Central Africa, isn't it? Talkin' of my brother, what do
you think the young ass did?--went out there with a thousand pounds,
and paid it all down to some sportsmen who took him to see some stock
they said belonged to them--of course he found out after they'd off'd
it that they didn't own a white mouse among 'em! But then, DICK'S one
of those chaps, you know, that think themselves so uncommon knowing,
they _can't_ be had. I always told him he'd be taken in someday if he
let his tongue wag so much--too fond of hearing himself talk, don't
you know, great mistake for a young fellow; sure to say somethin'
you'd better have let alone. I suppose you're getting rather sick
of all these banquets, receptions, and that? They do you very well,
certainly. I went to one of these Company dinners some time ago, and
they did me as well as I've ever been done in my life, but when
you've got to sit still afterwards and listen to some chap who's been
somewhere and done somethin' jawin' about it by the hour together
without a check, why, it's not _good_ enough, I'm hanged if it is!
Well, I'm afraid I can't stay any longer--my time's valuable now,
don't you know. I daresay yours is, too. I'm awfully glad to have had
a chat with you, and all that. I expect you could tell me a lot more
interesting things, only of course you've got to keep the best of 'em
to put in your book--you _are_ writin' a book or somethin', ain't you?
Such heaps of fellows are writin' books nowadays, the wonder is how
any of 'em get read. I shall try and get a look at yours, though, if
I come across it anywhere; hope you'll put some amusin' things
in,--nigger stories and that, don't make it too bally scientific, you
know. Directly I get back, I shall sit down, slick off, and write out
all you've told me. I shan't want any notes, I can carry it all in my
head, and of course I shan't put in anything you'd rather I didn't,
don't you know.

_The L. L. (solemnly)._ Mr. JERMYN, I place implicit confidence in
your discretion. I have no doubt whatever that your head, Sir, is more
than capable of containing such remarks as I have found it necessary
to make in the course of our interview. I like your system of
extracting information, Sir, very much. Good morning.

_Mr. Jermyn (outside)._ Nice pleasant-spoken fellow--trifle
long-winded, though! Gad, I was so busy listenin' I forgot to notice
what his rooms were like or anythin'! How would it do to go back? No,
too much of a grind. Daresay I can manage to fox up somethin'. I shall
tell the Chief what he said about my system. Chief don't quite know
what I _can_ do yet--this will open his eyes a bit.

[_And it does._

       *       *       *       *       *

THE HARE APPARENT.--I forgot to record last week that Saturday, the
14th, was the hundredth night of the _Pair of Spectacles_, and the
silver wedding of Mr. HARE'S stage career. The occasion was celebrated
at the Garrick with a supper given by Mr. HARE to old friends and
comrades. It was an illustration of "_The Hare and many Friends_,"
only it wasn't a fable--it was a fact. As closely associated with HARE
at various dinner-tables, I beg to sign myself,

  CURRENTE JELLI CALAMO.

       *       *       *       *       *

-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

       *       *       *       *       *




[Illustration: INDEX]

  AFTER "The May," 297

  After the Review, 174

  All for the Sake of the Army, 98

  All in Play, 229

  Among the Amateurs, 11, 25, 52

  "Ana," 37

  Another "Competitive," 96

  Another of Robert's Xstrornerry Adwenturs, 99

  Another Title for the Guide to the Exhibition at the New Gallery, 27

  Answers to Correspondents, 9, 13, 57, 65, 169

  'Arry on Equality, 85

  Art of Blacking Boots (The), 264

  "Ask a P'liceman!" 291

  Ask a White Man! 280

  Astral Complication (An), 117

  At his Mayerjesty's, 293

  At Sea in an Easter Egg-shell, 170

  At the Porte St. Martin, 33

  Au Revoir! 73

  Autocrat (The), 254

  Avenue Theatre, 89

  BABE o' Grace (A), 186

  "Baby Bung," 234

  Back to Backs, 291

  Ballad of Evil Speed (A), 3

  Ballad of the Earl's Breeks (The), 273

  Basta, Faster! 169

  Beer, 268

  "Big Gun!" (The), 114

  Bitter Cry of the London Rider Haggard and Jaded, 268

  Boat-Race Vision (A), 147

  "Britons never will be Slaves!" 54

  Buffalo Bill and Leo Pope, 124

  Bullying poor "Bully," 202

  Burglar's Back (The), 138

  Busy (J.) B. (The), 2

  CALLS for the Public Prosecutor? 47

  Captain of the "Paris" (The). 63

  Chant for the College of Surgeons (A), 185

  Chapter of Dickens up to Date (A), 244

  Charles the First, 243

  Children's Fancy Dress Ball (The), 201

  Comic Slaughter, 136

  Coming Big Bore (A), 35

  Conversation Manual, 233

  "Counting the Chicks," 42

  "Country and Duty," 258

  Court Napping, 213

  Covent Gardening Prospects, 135

  Cry of the City Children (The), 123

  Curious Cure (A), 28

  "Cut off the Joint" (A), 186

  DARES and Entellus, 14

  Daubigny in Bond Street, 102

  Derby Disappointments, 270

  Developing Hawarden, 277

  Diag-nose-is of Wine (A), 97

  Diana at Dinner, 303

  Diary of a Jolly Party, 47

  Disclaimer (A), 113

  Ditty of the Dagger (The), 38

  Divorce Shop (The), 18

  "Dose of 'Gregory'" (A), 113

  "Dot and go One," 5

  "Doubtful!" 270

  Dropping the Pilot, 155

  Dunraven, 162

  EARLY Green Peas, 264

  East-ern Art in Bond Street, 117

  Echo from the Lane (An), 201

  Eight Hours Only, 217

  Elcho Answers, 282

  "Embarrassing!" 267

  "English, you know, quite English," 137

  Epidemiological, 63

  Essence of Parliament, 83, 94, 106, 112, 131, 143, 155, 167, 178,
          204, 216, 227, 232, 252, 256, 287, 292, 304

  Eventful Week (An), 111

  Exchelsior! 274

  Exit in Fumo, 186

  FABLE, for Fanatics (A), 203

  Farthing Novel Series (The), 105

  Fifty Years of Railway Progress, 96

  Finishing Touch (The), 66

  First Appearance of the Swiss-Back Railway, 183

  First Fight (The), 231

  First Roze of Summer (The), 255

  "Fishing Interrogatory" (A), 165

  "Fish out of Water" at Greenwich, 50

  Five o'clock Tea Bonnet Company, 264

  For the Sake of the Empire, 41

  "For this Relief, much thanks!" 147

  Fortunate and Economical, 101

  French Gallery (The), 159

  From the Zoo, 87

  GHOSTLESS Boston, 101

  "Gift Horse" (The), 162

  "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" 306

  Going too Fast, 303

  Gold tipped Cigarettes, 72

  "Good Old Grace!" 277

  Grand Old Billee, 111

  Grand Old Hat (The), 137

  Grandolph Goodfellow, 218

  "Grandolpho Furioso!" 138

  Grandolph's Latest, 102

  Grandolph's Logic, 184

  Great Gunn (A), 309

  Great Lincoln Trial Stakes (The), 119

  "Grenadiers to the Front!" 125

  HARE Apparent (The), 310

  "Harlowe there!" 123

  Harmless Ghost, 287

  Harrow or Hanver? 306

  He can't Alp it! 138

  "Her Majesty's Opposition," 17

  Historical Parallels, 6

  Holiday Catechism, 25, 37

  How I Welcomed Stanley, 215

  How to make the Most of it, 75

  How to Meet it, 53

  How we do Business now, 133

  Hypnotic High Feeding, 202

  IDEAL Interviewer (An), 310

  "I'll call thee Hamlet," 135

  Imperial Socialist (The), 74, 158

  Incantation Scene (The), 90

  Interesting Novelty, 195

  In the Know, 184, 201, 215, 217, 229, 251, 263, 267, 279, 305

  In the Lane, 181

  In the Name of Charity--Go to Prison! 49

  "In the Name of the Law!" 201

  Irish Question in Bond Street (The), 35

  JAPANESE Belle (A), 17

  "Johnnykin and the Goblings," 89

  Journal of a Rolling Stone, 1

  Jubalee Performance (A), 123

  Jubilee of the Penny Post (The), 28

  Justice at High Pressure, 16

  Justiss for the Pore, 133

  "Just to oblige Benson," 3

  KICKED, 41, 63, 69, 77

  "Killaloe Dam Gone," 23

  Killing for a Shilling, 83

  L'ABBE In-Constantin Parsonified, 185

  Ladies' Year (The), 309

  Last Charge of the Light Brigade (The), 196

  Last of the Bacilli (The), 220

  Law and the Liver (The), 195

  Learning by Art, 173

  Le Kick-balle Fight, 105

  "Le Kicke-Ball in France," 129

  L'Enfant Terrible! 222

  Le 'Ockey Stick-Balle Fight, 294

  "Le Petit Duc," 86

  "Le Sport" in Bouverie Street, 161

  Lines on the Labour Conference, 137

  Lion's Diary (The), 17

  Little Duc and his Big Bill (The), 119

  London County Council and the Lyceum Theatre (The), 109

  London for the Londoners, 30

  Look at Home, 186

  Luxury of Pantomime (The), 65

  MADAME Diogenes, 134

  Master Singers, 120

  "May Fare Work!" 141

  Measures and Men, 221

  Menu-Betting, 61

  Mid-day Meal-lennium (A), 261

  Mid-Winter Night's Dream (A), 12

  Modern Cornelia (The), 299

  Modern Hercules and the Pygmies (The), 230

  Modern Types, 89, 101, 120, 124, 136, 148, 160, 177, 192, 208,
          220, 249, 285, 301

  "Montagu! a Montagu!" (A), 24

  More about Talleyrand, 275

  More Glory, 57

  "More Light!" 51

  More Masquerading, 287

  More Novelties, 208

  More to Follow, 126

  Mr. Gladstone's Letters, 65

  Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases, 141, 148, 157, 173, 191, 196,
          206, 218, 238, 255, 276, 280, 291, 301

  Mr. Punch's Moral Music-Hall Dramas, 4, 24, 60, 64, 76, 88, 100,
          121, 145, 193, 205, 241

  Mr. Punch's Proverbs up to date, 213

  Musical Anticipation (A), 30

  Musical Notes, 167

  Muzzled and Puzzled, 26

  "My Curate," 157

  Mystic Letters (The), 23

  My Tailor, 117

  NAVAL Intelligence, 171

  Nellie at the Sodgeries, 244

  Nell of Chelsea (The), 225

  New Amazon (The), 143

  New Dance of Death (The), 206

  New Gallery Novelties, 238

  New Tune (The), 62

  North Walls (The), 13

  Notes "in Globo," 114

  Nothing New, 18

  "Not such a Fool as he Looks," 246

  Novel Advice from Lincolnshire, 177

  Novel with a Purpose (A). 276

  "Nuts" for the Coal Trade, 225

  ODE on a Black Ball, 137

  Odds on the Bed makers, 221

  Old Bond Street Galleries (The), 156

  Old Colds for New, 33

  Old Friends and Counsel, 114

  Old, Old Story (The), 39

  Old Times Revived, 196

  Omnibusiness, 131

  One Too Many for Him, 294

  Only Remedy (The), 183

  On the Spot, 277

  On the Swoop! 196

  Opera-goer's Diary (The), 213, 257, 269, 281, 293, 305

  "O rare 'Ben'!" 143

  Oar Advertisers, 161, 189, 229

  Our Booking-Office, 10, 16, 57, 63, 75, 93, 102, 111, 125, 141,
          165, 173, 189, 203, 210, 221, 231, 249, 262, 276, 293, 309

  Our New Duke, 261

  Our Turn Now, 49

  Out and About, 250

  PAGE from a Diary (A), 51

  Page from an Imperial Note-book (A), 160

  Parliamentary Intelligence, 2

  Patient at Play (The), 244

  Penalties of Greatness (The), 173

  Pick of the Pictures (The), 226

  Pictures in the Haymarket, 137

  Pilferer (The), 36

  Pint of it (The), 124

  Piping Times for the Empire, 137

  (Pitched) Outing (A), 171

  "Place aux Dames!" 289

  Plain English! 30

  Playing Dark, 153

  Play-time, 161

  Pleasure-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), 257

  Police Fun, 180

  Premier's Power (The), 78

  Primrose's Peep-Show, 218

  Prince "Starring" at Poole (The), 41

  "Promise of May" (The), 207

  "Propria quae Maribus," 137

  Put this in your Pipe, 165

  "Putting his Nose out of Joint," 110

  Puzzles for the New Year, 23

  QUESTION of Parentage, 129

  Quite a Little Banc(roft) Holiday, 255

  RAILWAY Unpunctuality Report, 268

  Ratepayer's Reply (A), 148

  Rather Shifty, 297

  Recking the Rede Lecture, 297

  Resolutions for the Cosmopolitan Labour Meeting, 206

  Retiring Young Man (A), 122

  Revised Version. "In Globo," 126

  "Richardson's Show" and a "Bill of the Play," 84

  Riviera in Bond Street (The), 54

  Robert at Guildhall, 261

  Robert at the Leathersellers', 309

  Robert on Good Old Krismus, 16

  Robert on the Boat-Race, 153

  Robert's Commishuns, 172

  Robert's Companions, 81

  Robert's Krismus Him, 6

  Robert's Little Hollerday, 192

  Robert Trihumfunt! 162

  Rooky Walker! 184

  Root of the Matter (The), 85, 165

  Rose-Water Cure (The), 242

  Royal Academy Banquet (The), 222

  Royal Berkshire, 87

  Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours, 194

  Rum Customer (A), 245

  Russian Art, 5

  "SALUTE;" or, Taking Distance (The), 78

  Saturday Series (A), 119

  Savoyards (The), 5

  School-Board before the End of the Century (The), 288

  "Scots wha hae," 219

  Set down for Trial, 39

  Shaftesbury Song (A), 267

  Shall Women Smoke? 42

  Shooting Arrows at a Song, 87

  Short Mathematical Paper, 263

  Short Song in Season (A), 203

  Shrewing of the Tame (The), 53

  Signs of the Season, 180

  Slaps for Slippers, 27

  "Society for the Study of Inebriety" (A), 181

  Something like a Dinner, 84

  Song for Mr. Stansfeld, M.P., 108

  Song Sentimentiana, 125, 105, 183, 243

  Song with Words (A), 189

  Sounds of the Streets, 45

  South-Eastern Alphabet (The), 61

  Spectacular, 143

  "Speed the Parting," 37

  Sporting Correspondent (A), 21

  Stanley Africanus! 210

  Stanley and African Exhibition (The), 113

  Stanzas to Rhubarb, 135

  Startling for Gourmets, 61

  Start (The), 6

  Statesmen at Home, 21, 48, 72

  Street Music, 42

  Striking Home, 146

  Study for the Pelican Club, 53

  Suggestion from Pump-handle Court (A), 169

  "Sweet--Marjorie!" 71

  Sweet Thing in Criticism (A), 281

  TAKEN as you Like it, 117

  Taken from the French Plays, 280

  Thank Goodness, 126

  Theatrical Short Service Bill, 209

  Thoughts on his Wine-Merchant, 191

  "Three Fishers," 282

  Tippler's Triumph (The), 195

  Tips from the Tape, 209

  To an Old Friend with a New Wig, 66

  Tommius Etonensis loquitur, 48

  Topping the Tripos, 280

  To the New Scribe and Poet, 225

  Trivial Round (The), 172

  Two Heads better than One! 180

  Two Views of the Sodgeries, 233

  UNCHRISTIAN Caveat (An), 174

  University Intelligence, 159

  Unknown Quantity (An), 195

  Unscientific Dialogue (An), 59

  Unsought Honour, 30

  Untiled, 9, 13, 37, 49, 61, 73, 97

  Useful Warning, 189

  "VANITY Un-Fair," 37

  "Venice Preserved" in the Haymarket, 53

  Very Silly Song (A), 47

  Voces Populi, 29, 40, 237, 253, 265, 300

  WARE Brummagem! 234

  Way to the Temple (The), 159

  Way we shall Live soon (The), 305

  Week by Week, 213, 228, 240, 245, 263, 273, 279, 289, 303

  Where Marriages are Made, 167

  White Slave (A), 289

  Winter at Burlington House, 18

  "Will he get through?" 278

  Work for the Holidays, 15

  YET another Quarterly, 208




LARGE ENGRAVINGS.

  After the Review, 175

  "Baby Bung," 235

  "Big Gun!" (The), 115

  "Counting the Chicks!" 43

  "Country and Duty," 259

  "Cut off the Joint" (A), 187

  Divorce Shop (The), 19

  "Doubtful!" 271

  Dropping the Pilot, 150, 151

  Finishing Touch (The), 67

  Foreign Fox (The), 55

  "Gift Horse" (The), 163

  "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" 307

  "Grandolpho Furioso!" 139

  Grandolph's Latest, 103

  "Incantation" (The), 91

  L'Enfant Terrible! 223

  "Not such a Fool as he looks!" 247

  One Too Many for Him, 295

  On the Swoop! 198, 199

  Plain English! 31

  "Salute!" or, Taking his Measure (The), 79

  Stanley Africanus! 211

  Start (The), 7

  Thank Goodness!!! 127

  "Three Fishers," 283




SMALL ENGRAVINGS.

  AESTHETIC Party in Furnished House, 246

  Allsopp's Bitter and Shareholder, 98

  Amateur Banjoist and Friend, 15

  Amateur Tenor and Sarcastic Friend, 123

  American "Pistol" (The), 245

  Attack on a Mail Coach, 196

  Author's Heavy Book (An), 27

  Automatic Arbitration, 237

  Barberesses at Work, 186

  Bismarck's Last Appearance, 122

  Blindfolded Russian Emperor, 254

  Boulanger's New Tune, 62

  Brigand Bullfinch (The), 202

  Brighton Bath-chairman's Quiet Route (A), 189

  Bull and the Frog (The), 50

  'Bus Conductor's Important Passenger (A), 207

  Butcher's Boy and the "Meet," 6

  Butterfly-collecting in East Africa, 263

  Cabby's Fare paid in Small Coin, 261

  Cab-Runners after a Hansom, 210

  Caledonia's Electric Light, 219

  Catholic Priest and Schoolboys, 135

  Chaplin and the Kentish Dogs, 26

  Cheap Horse at a Fair (A), 225

  Colonel M'Whuskey's Epidemic, 75

  Colonial Friend goes Hunting (A), 129

  Cook who wants Execution (A), 282

  Country Editor's Salmon (A), 95

  Country M.P.'s Summons to Duty, 70

  Cow in Drury Lane Pantomime, 28

  Cross-examining a Lady, 125

  Curate and Schoolboys' Class, 203

  Cyclist Judges on Circuit, 201

  Dismounted Steeple-chaser's Friend, 243

  Distinguished Colonists in London, 206

  Doctor Cockshure's Travelled Patient, 63

  Dressing for her own Dance, 42

  Effect of Low Stable on Horse's Knees, 184

  Electric Tramway in the Commons, 178

  Emperor and Socialist Workman, 158

  Engineering, little Tour Eiffel, and Forth
  Bridge, 110

  Exchanging Hats with a Scarecrow, 253

  Exhibits at the "Silk" Exhibition, 268

  Famous Pictures Leaving the Country, 46

  Fancy Portrait of My Laundress, 137

  Fasting Man and the Starving Man, 221

  Flattening a Bonnet, 294

  Flight of the Demon Influenza, 38

  Frenchman's Stay in London (A), 303

  French Peasant with Influenza, 40

  Grand Old Hypnotiser at St. Stephen's, 286

  Grand Old Undergrad (The), 58

  Grandolph Puck at Sea in Egg-shell, 170

  Great Lincoln Trial in a Fog, 118

  Greedy Boy at the School Feast, 155

  Groom waiting at Tea, 23

  Grosvenor Gallery Pictures, 262, 274

  Guardsman and Nursemaids' Group, 287

  Hearty Luncher going to see Succi, 183

  High Sleeves for both Sexes, 162

  Home Secretary and Mr. Punch, 182

  Home Secretary and the Policeman, 290

  Horse refuses to Jump over Water, 45

  House of Ciphers (A), 130

  House of Commons all Sixes and Sevens (The), 142

  House of Commons from Toby's Box, 154

  How to Avoid giving a Dinner Party, 157

  Hunters shod with Snow Shoes, 10

  Hunting Gent and Rustics, 93

  Imperial Socialist (The), 74

  Infant Prodigies' Concert (An), 174

  Inquiring Visitor and Footman, 131

  Insured Children, 299

  John Bull's New Year's Dream, 2

  Jones to take Miss B. in to Supper, 102

  Kent Coal Hole (The), 108

  Lady Artist and Small Rustic, 83

  Lady's Hair-Dagger (A), 215

  Lady's well-preserved Good Looks (A), 126

  Laura's Honeymoon Trip, 270

  Legend of the Briar-root, 209

  Little Duke with the Tricolor (The), 86

  Lively Piece of Cheese (A), 35

  Madame Diogenes, 134

  Mariar Ann's Visit to a Fine House, 258

  Marrying to go to the Paris Exhibition, 87

  Maxims for the Bar, 133, 156, 169, 217, 277

  Medicinal Refreshments, 51

  M.F.H.'s Opinion of Jenkinson's Horse, 33

  Money Market recovers from Tightness, 73

  Mr. Hare in a New Pair of Spectacles, 97

  Mr. M'Sawney and his Dance-card, 78

  Mr. Punch and the Coal-Miner, 146

  Mr. Punch and Tom Sayer's Shade, 14

  Mr. Punch's Grand "Old Masters," 34

  Near-sighted Man and Lady's Bonnet, 52

  Neighbour and a Bore (A), 18

  New Gallery Pictures, 238

  New German Rifle (The), 65

  Not Bleeding with the Lancet, 47

  Old Gentleman and the Automatic Photographic Machine, 310

  "Only a Face at a Window!" 138

  Our Artist and the Street-Music, 54

  Our Artist's Reply to Handsome Lady, 167

  Painter and Musician after Dinner, 143

  Papa's Description of a Centaur, 275

  Parliamentary Conversation Cages, 106

  Parliamentary Golf-Links, 190

  Parnell rejects Balfour's Bill, 194

  Pat and his Boycotted Landlord, 71

  Photographing a Stern-looking Lady, 234

  Poor Children's Pantomime (The), 22

  Professor Tyndall's Portrait of Mr. G., 267

  Proud Mother's Schoolboy's Expenses, 99

  Punch's Parliamentary Puppets, 82

  Quite a Contrast to his Brother, 279

  "Refreshment for Man and Beast," 306

  Result of a Horse's Cough, 69

  Resurrection of Mummified Cats, 81

  Rival Anecdotists, 291

  Royal Academy Pictures, 226, 227, 250

  Sarcastic Hostess and Lady Guest, 66

  Schoolboy defines Quakers' Speech, 255

  Schoolmaster and Boy's Arithmetic, 218

  Scientific Volunteer (The), 85

  Scotch Deerstalker makes a "Miss," 107

  Sculpture in Wax, 273

  Season's Geniuses and Beauties (The), 147

  Seating all the Commons' Members, 94

  Seeing the "Apeiary" at the Zoo, 159

  "Seniora Fawcett," 289

  "'Shadowing' Members of Parliament," 298

  Sketch at a Concert (A), 276

  Small Servant at Registry Office, 11

  Smith pursued by Opposition Bull, 278

  Sprinkling Sweaters with Rose-water, 242

  Stanley besieged by Invitations, 230

  Stanley introducing East Africa to Lord Salisbury, 266

  State of the Markets Illustrated, 240

  Strictly Private Academy View, 214

  Substance of Shadowed M.P.'s, 302

  Succi as a Sandwich-Man, 229

  Suggestions for Pictorial Directory, 240, 261

  Swell and the Confounded Blacks, 119

  Swell who is Colour-Blind (A), 90

  Swell who made an Ass of himself, 114

  Swell who was Thinking of Nothing, 3

  "Swopping" Horses, 165

  Taking an Interest in Criminal Law, 171

  Tandem Leader and Posts, 297

  Time's Effect on Celebrities Heads, 166

  Tommy's Self-Denial in Lent, 191

  Toole before and after Dinners, &c., 36

  Training Children as Fasting People, 231

  Unmuzzling Maud's Terrier, 251

  Vicar's Wife and the Cracked Globe, 59

  Volunteers Refreshing at Review, 179

  Wife of a Man of Genius (The), 195

  What to do with Our Artist's Pictures, 39

  Why Goslin admires Miss Travers, 30

  Why Shoddson's Servants wear Cockades, 222

[Illustration: FINIS]

       *       *       *       *       *

LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS.









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