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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/33501-h.zip b/33501-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b585495 --- /dev/null +++ b/33501-h.zip diff --git a/33501-h/33501-h.htm b/33501-h/33501-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..10f0ee9 --- /dev/null +++ b/33501-h/33501-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7653 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<!-- $Id: header.txt 236 2009-12-07 18:57:00Z vlsimpson $ --> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Book Of Gud, by Dan Spain And Harold Hersey. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; +} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; +} /* page numbers */ + +.linenum { + position: absolute; + top: auto; + left: 4%; +} /* poetry number */ + +.blockquot { + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.sidenote { + width: 20%; + padding-bottom: .5em; + padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; + padding-right: .5em; + margin-left: 1em; + float: right; + clear: right; + margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; + color: black; + background: #eeeeee; + border: dashed 1px; +} + +.bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + +.bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + +.bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + +.br {border-right: solid 2px;} + +.bbox {border: solid 2px;} + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.u {text-decoration: underline;} + +.caption {font-weight: bold;} + +/* Images */ +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; +} + +.figleft { + float: left; + clear: left; + margin-left: 0; + margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 1em; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +.figright { + float: right; + clear: right; + margin-left: 1em; + margin-bottom: + 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 0; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +/* Footnotes */ +.footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + +.footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +.footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + +.fnanchor { + vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: + none; +} + +/* Poetry */ +.poem { + margin-left:10%; + margin-right:10%; + text-align: left; +} + +.poem br {display: none;} + +.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem span.i0 { + display: block; + margin-left: 0em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i2 { + display: block; + margin-left: 2em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i4 { + display: block; + margin-left: 4em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's The Book of Gud, by Dan Spain and Harold Hersey + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Book of Gud + +Author: Dan Spain + Harold Hersey + +Release Date: August 22, 2010 [EBook #33501] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BOOK OF GUD *** + + + + +Produced by Louise Davies, Roger Taft, Mary Meehan and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<h1>The Book of Gud</h1> + +<h2>By Dan Spain and Harold Hersey</h2> + +<h3>This etext was produced from Main Street, July 1929. Extensive research +did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication +was renewed.</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> +<p> +<a href="#Chapter_I">Chapter I</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_II">Chapter II</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_III">Chapter III</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_IV">Chapter IV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_V">Chapter V</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_VI">Chapter VI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_VII">Chapter VII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_VIII">Chapter VIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_IX">Chapter IX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_X">Chapter X</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XI">Chapter XI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XII">Chapter XII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XIII">Chapter XIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XIV">Chapter XIV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XV">Chapter XV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XVI">Chapter XVI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XVII">Chapter XVII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XVIII">Chapter XVIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XIX">Chapter XIX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XX">Chapter XX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXI">Chapter XXI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXII">Chapter XXII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXIII">Chapter XXIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXIV">Chapter XXIV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXV">Chapter XXV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXVI">Chapter XXVI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXVII">Chapter XXVII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXVIII">Chapter XXVIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXIX">Chapter XXIX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXX">Chapter XXX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXI">Chapter XXXI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXII">Chapter XXXII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXIII">Chapter XXXIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXIV">Chapter XXXIV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXV">Chapter XXXV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXVI">Chapter XXXVI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXVII">Chapter XXXVII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXVIII">Chapter XXXVIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XXXIX">Chapter XXXIX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XL">Chapter XL</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLI">Chapter XLI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLII">Chapter XLII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLIII">Chapter XLIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLIV">Chapter XLIV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLV">Chapter XLV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLVI">Chapter XLVI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLVII">Chapter XLVII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLVIII">Chapter XLVIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_XLIX">Chapter XLIX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_L">Chapter L</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LI">Chapter LI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LII">Chapter LII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LIII">Chapter LIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LIV">Chapter LIV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LV">Chapter LV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LVI">Chapter LVI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LVII">Chapter LVII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LVIII">Chapter LVIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LIX">Chapter LIX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LX">Chapter LX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXI">Chapter LXI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXII">Chapter LXII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXIII">Chapter LXIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXIV">Chapter LXIV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXV">Chapter LXV</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXVI">Chapter LXVI</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXVII">Chapter LXVII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXVIII">Chapter LXVIII</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXIX">Chapter LXIX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXX">Chapter LXX</a><br /> +<a href="#Chapter_LXXI">Chapter LXXI</a><br /> +</p> +<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. --> + + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_I" id="Chapter_I"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter I</span></h2> + + +<div class="sidenote"><p><i>DIP INTO THIS NOVEL ANYWHERE.... It deals with a god in whom +nobody believed, and of his adventures the day after eternity. +For instance, try Chapter XVI.</i></p></div> + + +<p>One Sunday afternoon I was driving through a sparsely settled region on +the southwest slope of the Catskills. It was growing late and I was +anxious to get back to New York, but I had lost my way. In an attempt to +cut across to the Hudson River road I turned up a poorly traveled lane, +which, after ten miles of going, petered out into a mere abandoned +trail.</p> + +<p>I kept on this for perhaps three miles further without passing a house, +and then came to a low rambling structure half hidden among a grove of +ancient overhanging trees. It was near lamp-lighting time and I was +puzzled to know whether the place was deserted or not. I turned my car +in toward the house, bumped over loose rocks—and my engine died.</p> + +<p>A man appeared on the porch. He was lanky in build, a little stooped, +apparently about forty years of age, and was dressed in a blue flannel +shirt and a pair of corduroy trousers.</p> + +<p>"Can you tell me how far it is to New York?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"How far is it?"</p> + +<p>"About a hundred miles as the crow flies."</p> + +<p>"But how far is it by automobile?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know," replied the man, who seemed to be better posted on crow +flights than auto travel.</p> + +<p>He offered no further remarks, but stood there indifferently eyeing the +car.</p> + +<p>Curbing my annoyance I inquired: "How do I get out to a good automobile +road?"</p> + +<p>"The way you came in."</p> + +<p>Realizing that I could get no information from this uncivil being, I +pushed the starter—not a sound. I got out and cranked the engine—not a +kick. I looked into my gas tank—not a drop!</p> + +<p>"Where is the nearest gas station?" I demanded.</p> + +<p>"I don't know—I burn kerosene," was the terse reply; and the man turned +and entered the house.</p> + +<p>I tried to recall the last gas station I had passed, and realized it +must have been all of fifteen miles behind. It was now growing dark. I +climbed into the car to think of a way out of my awkward situation, but +all I could think of was that there were sound reasons for abandoned +farms. Then I got to wondering who this queer character was and why he +was living here.</p> + +<p>As I had slept but little the night before, I must have dozed off, for +the next thing I knew, a voice was saying: "Supper is ready."</p> + +<p>I got out of the car and followed the man through a dark hall into a +large, low room, at one end of which a fire was burning briskly in a +huge stone fireplace. In the center of the room was a table where we sat +down to a dinner of delicious hot biscuits and a great pot of honey.</p> + +<p>"These biscuits are fine," I said.</p> + +<p>"They are."</p> + +<p>I ate another in silence. "And the honey is exquisite."</p> + +<p>"It is."</p> + +<p>"Do you keep bees?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, millions of them."</p> + +<p>"Do you keep any other stock?" I asked, thinking a glass of milk would +taste fine.</p> + +<p>"Yes, a blind cat."</p> + +<p>"Do you find the bees profitable?"</p> + +<p>"No, I keep them for company."</p> + +<p>"Why do you live in this lonesome place?"</p> + +<p>"To avoid automobilists."</p> + +<p>I ate three more biscuits, drowned in honey, then the silence became +unbearable. "Do you do anything else besides keep bees?"</p> + +<p>"I read."</p> + +<p>"That is interesting. What do you read?"</p> + +<p>"Books."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" I said, "perhaps you write also."</p> + +<p>"I do."</p> + +<p>"What do you write?"</p> + +<p>"Books."</p> + +<p>We finished the meal in silence, then my host arose and cleared the +table. Meanwhile I wandered about the big room and glanced at the titles +on the bookshelves. I was amazed at the catholicity of his taste. Side +by side, with Godesius was "In His Steps"; leaning against +Schopenhauer's "<i>Die Welt Als Wille Und Vorstellung</i>," was a popular +novel of the day.</p> + +<p>Thus made to realize that my host was a person of some caliber, and +aspiring to pursue his acquaintance upon an intellectual plane, I +stepped forward, as he came through the door, and extended my hand, +saying: "My name is Harold Hersey."</p> + +<p>"What of it?" he said, and turned to adjust a kerosene lamp. Then he +came forward and extended his hand. "I will not say I am glad to meet +you until I find out that I am."</p> + +<p>"Your name?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>"Dan Spain."</p> + +<p>"That sounds like a nom de plume," I ventured.</p> + +<p>"It is."</p> + +<p>Feeling that there was nothing further that I could say, I pulled out my +pipe and seated myself before the fire.</p> + +<p>Dan Spain settled into a chair nearby. "The fact that your name is +Harold Hersey means nothing to me," he remarked, "but as I presume that +you will spend the night here, I might be able to make it less +disagreeable for you if I knew your trade or occupation."</p> + +<p>I have always been a little sensitive about revealing my profession to +strangers, because, unfortunately, some men do not regard it highly; so +I replied: "What would you judge me to be from my appearance?"</p> + +<p>"A cigar salesman."</p> + +<p>I hastened to controvert him. "Looks are deceiving," I said, "I am a +writer."</p> + +<p>So I read him the following. There was a curious silence afterwards:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>When the limpid highbrows chatter</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And their candlelights are low;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>When their purple souls are bitter</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>From discussing thus and so,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And the Lucy Stoners twitter</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>In some frowsy studio;</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>When the fat-legged mantees mutter</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And you see their eyeballs twitch;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>When the parlor wobblies hover</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Around the newly rich,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And the men of bread-and-butter</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Get the "art-for-art's-sake" itch....</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Then I don't regret the making</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Of this idle verse of mine,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And my pickling by the Poohbahs</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>In their literary brine,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Nor the gesture of a Burdash</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>For not hewing to the line.</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>My humor is the laughter</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>From life's tickled ribs. It's rough,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>For it's written from the raw</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Where I like to get my stuff,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And it ought to rise in letters:</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Goodness knows it's light enough.</i><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"It is nothing to be ashamed of," said Dan Spain, "I once worked in a +slaughter house."</p> + +<p>"What books have you had published?" I asked after a time.</p> + +<p>"None."</p> + +<p>Having had a number of books published myself, I felt that I might be +of some service to this hermit scholar who had evidently not adjusted +himself to the practical exigencies of the publishing business. "It is +just possible," I suggested, "that my experiences and acquaintances +might enable me to help you get some of your work in print—that is, if +you would care to tell me what you are writing."</p> + +<p>Dan Spain leaned over and attended the fire. After poking it to his +satisfaction, he picked up a live coal and dropped it in the bowl of his +pipe. Finally he spoke, and his words were startling enough. "Just at +present," he said, "I am writing an autobiography of God."</p> + +<p>There was a sudden rattle at the shutter.</p> + +<p>"What was that?" I asked nervously.</p> + +<p>Dan Spain laughed. "Wind," he replied, "wind through the trees. +Lightning may strike us dead at any moment because of my blasphemous +ambitions. That is why I live as a hermit—should God's lightning strike +at me, there will be no complications through it hitting an innocent +bystander. You are the first person who has spent a night under this +roof with me. I am sorry to subject you to the danger, but you came +without an invitation."</p> + +<p>"But why," I asked, "do you want to write a blasphemous book? You are +aware, I suppose, that it might be suppressed."</p> + +<p>"In a country, the constitution of which guarantees freedom of speech +and religious liberty, I grant the possibility."</p> + +<p>"Then why," I persisted, "do you want to write it?"</p> + +<p>"Because," said Spain, "I am tired of tempering the wind of truth to the +lamb of stupidity. Must we so fear the anger of the childish mob, that +we dare not deprive them of their fairy tales of ghosts and gobblins, +lest they kick out the props of civilizations? Must we, who no longer +bend the knees of the mind in spook idolatry nor shake with the ague of +hell fear, pretend that science and religion have been reconciled and +mumble incantations to a metaphysical essence instead of saying to a +maternal God to open the windows of the sky and spill rain out of +heaven? I want to write a blasphemous book because the gods who throttle +human intelligence and block human progress have revealed their +vulnerable spot—for they are the gods who fear laughter."</p> + +<p>"But surely?" I said, "all that is old stuff—Ingersoll has been dead +twenty years. Present day thinkers only smile indulgently when some +handsome faced bucolic clergyman invades a metropolitan pulpit and gets +the forgotten monkey argument into the headlines of the daily press. +Modern philosophy has reconciled religion and science and shown that +they hail from the same psychic origins."</p> + +<p>"The dictionary has never been made a sacred book," returned Spain, "and +I cannot try men for heresy who blaspheme it. If a man wishes to +designate the emotions he experiences when gazing at the stars by the +term 'religion' I cannot prevent him. My dictionary defines religion as +'a belief in binding the spirit of man to a supernatural being' and +further includes the idea of duties and rites founded upon such belief. +If that be religion the war between religion and science can never end. +The particular battle ground may change from age to age; it may be +concerned with the mobility of the sun, the origin of species or the +immaculate conception...."</p> + +<p>"Well what of it," I remarked, "those things are all relatively +unimportant."</p> + +<p>"True" said Spain, "they are, but science has a job in the future that +is vastly important and religion stands in its way."</p> + +<p>"And what is that?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"It is the job of saving civilization from degenerating into a chaos +besides which the dark ages, medievalism would seem Bericlean by +comparison. As we are headed now we are on the road for a grand smash. +The growing complexities of civilization can only be managed by a human +breed of superior capacity, and instead of breeding a race of better men +we are letting the inborn capacity of the human species regress and +degenerate.</p> + +<p>"Natural selection or the survival of the fittest raised us up from +brutes, and civilization stops the operation of that law which made it +possible. Blind charity preserves the rabbitries of stupidity—the +differential birth rate snuffs out the flame of innate intelligence. The +only visible salvation is systematic breeding of superior men; and +against human breeding religion stands garbed in all her mummeries, +shielding behind her wish fancies of immortality, the leering face of +the ape man returned to prowl in the ruins of all we have builded.</p> + +<p>"The little priests of religion play in sweet innocence with their hopes +of heaven having not the least conception of the human drift. But the +high priests of religion know very well on which side their bread is +buttered. They know that spook worship thrives only in the soil of +stupidity. They will fight to the last ditch against any serious effort +to breed men for brains. Their creeds are smoothly schemed to block +intelligence in its efforts at biological perpetuation. The fable of a +ghostly paternity of the human species fits their purpose like a glove. +By inoculating the new-born human animal with a fantasy called a soul +they clothe the act of reproduction with a garb of sanctification and +endow all sexual and parental functions with rites so skillfully +ingrained into popular thought that men who renounce the more patent +absurdities of theology are still soaked in the sacramental conception +of reactionary morality whenever it touches the reproduction of the +species. So they hope to maintain our present scheme of mongrel breeding +which is fast blotting out the hard won grains of the tedious climb of +human evolution and riding us for a smash of the fabric of civilization, +because the children of the stupid cannot maintain the structure we have +wrought."</p> + +<p>"But surely," I said, "you do not intend to propound such ponderous +biological and sociological doctrines in an autobiography of your +god—if you do so I am sure it will be very dull. I had hoped you had in +mind some readable piece of literary composition."</p> + +<p>"So I had; I was not telling you what I intended to write. You asked me +why I wanted to write it. The god who mustn't be laughed at could make +himself very ridiculous by setting down the story of his life. He should +not be a metaphysical concept. I should prefer a nice old man with robe +and halo and whiskers—I am sure he should have whiskers."</p> + +<p>"And just when," I asked, "would you have him born?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know," replied Spain, "I have stalled on eternity. I find it +quite an awkward span of life to cover in a manuscript."</p> + +<p>"Why not dodge the difficulty," I suggested, "by having your story begin +the day after eternity."</p> + +<p>Spain turned his gaze upon me with a twinkling light in his eyes. "Young +man," he said, "No wonder you tried to drive an automobile without +gasoline—you are suffering from a touch of genius.</p> + +<p>"I shall doubtless need aid," confessed Spain, more cordial, I felt, +than he had previously seemed.</p> + +<p>As I caught the flame of enthusiasm in this man's conviction, my heart +warmed to him. I found myself interested in his proposed "Autobiography +of God"—interested and critical. "It might amuse you," I said, "to know +that somewhere among my own writing notes I have this item jotted down. +'A tale that should begin the day after eternity.'"</p> + +<p>Dan Spain looked at me, his eyes twinkling, "Not half bad," he said.</p> + +<p>And so began an exchange of suggestions, a mutual laying on the table of +the most guarded treasures of one's over-reaching ambitions to write the +impossible.</p> + +<p>As the night wore on our wits sharpened each on the other, and before +dawn broke, Dan Spain and I both realized that we had cast in outline +form the skeleton of a most ambitious piece of writing. Then we awoke to +the fact, that we, who were acquaintances of a single session had joined +our wits to create something that could not be disentangled without its +destruction.</p> + +<p>"And now," I said, "who is going to write this tale of the adventures of +the great god Gud?"</p> + +<p>"We must write it together," replied Spain, "nothing else would be +honest."</p> + +<p>There followed a period of intermittant work that strung out through +several seasons. We worked sometimes alone; at other times I spent +week-ends at Spain's hermitage, and on a few occasions I dragged the +hermit down to my quarters in Greenwich Village. As the manuscript +gathered bulk, I arranged for its typing, having always a copy made for +each of us.</p> + +<p>During the summer of 1924, I spent most of the month of July at Spain's +hermitage and we got the book completed, though there were still many +parts of it on which we had serious differences of opinion. Taking my +draft with me, I went back to New York, where I had to attend to some +neglected editorial duties.</p> + +<p>Spain had agreed to come down to my place on the week-end of August +thirtieth for a final effort to see if we could reconcile our +differences of opinion.</p> + +<p>The intervening weather in the city was oppressive and I did no further +work on the manuscript. When August thirtieth arrived Spain did not show +up. I waited for him another week and then drove my car up to his +hermitage in the Catskills.</p> + +<p>I bumped over the stones of the miserable trail and brought my car to a +halt in front of where Spain's house had stood. Before me I saw a +yawning circle of trees with the inner sides scorched and withered, and +the great gaunt stone chimney alone now rearing from a heap of ashes.</p> + +<p>The combustion had been complete. Not a charred stick remained. All was +white ash, and well packed down, for it had rained heavily a few nights +before.</p> + +<p>The evidence of that rain sent my mind hurtling back in review of the +weather since Spain had left New York. I remembered that one night a few +days before Spain was due to return I had found my apartment so +oppressive that I had gone to Brighton Beach. As I lay on the sands, it +must have been toward midnight, a squall had driven across the sky and +there had been a bit of a blow and a magnificent electrical display, but +only a few heavy drops of rain had fallen.</p> + +<p>Brighton Beach was over a hundred miles from this spot in the Catskills, +and the weather in the two locations might have been wholly dissimilar. +Still it was suggestive of the worst possible fears.</p> + +<p>I looked about for something with which I could prod into the debris. +The only thing available was a great twisted steel lightning rod that +reared up through the ashes. The result of my effort was a discovery +from which I recoiled.</p> + +<p>For a moment I found it expedient to step away from the place. In doing +so, I unconsciously dragged the piece of lightning rod along with me. +Behind a screen of foliage I sat down weakly. Presently, my eyes +followed along that lightning rod, and I noted that one end was freshly +broken where I had bent it until it snapped in two. But the other end +had been the tip that pointed skyward above the house. This I now saw +was fused and melted in a way that no heat of a burning wood could have +possibly accomplished.</p> + +<p>I need write but little of the duties that followed. Suffice to say, +that every paper that might have revealed more than my slight knowledge +of Spain's origin or connections had been destroyed. The county records +yielded nothing except the deed to his property purchased the year +before I met him. There was nothing for me to do but turn matters over +to the local authorities and let the law take its course.</p> + +<p>I returned to New York and slept off the weariness the ordeal had +engendered.</p> + +<p>Then I went to my desk and produced my draft of "The Book of Gud" and +turned slowly through it. It was all there, a complete manuscript, but +including many things on which our differences of opinion had not been +reconciled—and Dan Spain was dead!</p> + +<p>Gradually the responsibilities of my position dawned upon me. I was +joint author of "The Book of Gud." However, my "partner in crime" was +dead. We had written much of the prose together although much of it was +by Spain alone. The verse was mine.</p> + +<p>How helpless I felt with this gigantic task staring me in the face!</p> + +<p>Sensing keenly the sacred trust of fidelity to the intent of a dead +author, I did not feel at liberty to make the changes in Spain's draft +that I felt should be made. Yet, if my name were to be on the jacket of +this book, I did not feel that I could possibly let some of the things +in Spain's draft pass without registering my protest. Conversely I must, +in all fairness, concede that he had felt the same about some of my +lines.</p> + +<p>My decision on going over the work the first time was that all I could +do was to let the manuscript pass on to the world exactly as it was when +God's lightning stilled forever the pen of Dan Spain.</p> + +<p>However, upon going over the manuscript a second time, I found my +instincts as an editor overwhelming this excellent resolution. For +several months I was torn between my conscience as a writer with its +full sense of duty to a dead author and my editorial conscience with its +fuller sense of duty to the reading public—and I did nothing with the +manuscript.</p> + +<p>But at last a great compromising thought occurred to me. I could leave +the manuscript stand intact, but I could write a preface in which I +could explain the dreadful dilemma in which the death of my collaborator +left me, and why I do not feel, under the distressing circumstances, +that I should be held responsible for those parts of Spain's draft which +do not meet my approval. My decision has made possible the publication +of "The Book of Gud"; for otherwise I should have burned my copy also.</p> + +<p>It is my hope that this explanation will mitigate the wrath of many +readers, for it is a beautiful fact about human nature that it rarely +holds the dead as responsible as it does the living.</p> + +<p>I frankly confess that it has been a task to hold to this resolution, +for I have been sorely tempted to delete as well as comment on some of +Spain's text. As proof of my integrity in this matter, I have even left +in the text of the book a note addressed to me by Spain in which he has +expressed his contempt for my work in a most ungentlemanly manner.</p> + +<p>I hold that the canons of literary ethics do not permit one to alter a +dead man's manuscript. If they did, how quickly we could enrich the +literary heritage of American children by expurgating the classics of +Europe and rewriting them in a style acceptable to the American sense of +decency.</p> + +<p>To some very literally minded persons it may seem that the view just +expressed is not consistent with my capacity as a joint author of "The +Book of Gud." Let me therefore discount any such criticisms by +explaining that the evil effects of literature all come from its +realism. "The Book of Gud" is romantic and symbolic. There is true +beauty in symbolism because of the variety of possible interpretations. +Each reader can gain the meaning particularly adapted to himself.</p> + +<p>The greatest art is that which can be interpreted in the most devious +ways: Witness the character of Hamlet, the enigma of Mona Lisa, the +riddle of the Book of Revelations. To me Hamlet is the personification +of a weak will in a strong mind, due to the European habit of inbreeding +royalty. Mona Lisa, I believe, reveals the patience of a great woman who +knows that she will ultimately get what she wants. The Book of +Revelation I deem to be a symbolic anticipation of the Darwinian theory +of man's descent from prehistoric animals.</p> + +<p>In "The Book of Gud" there is great symbolism, and in symbolism there +can be nothing degrading, as each mind interprets it according to its +own intellectual and moral plane. Hence there can never be degradation +in symbolic literature, except for degraded minds.</p> + +<p>Here then is "The Book of Gud"; and, with the exception of this preface, +I bow to the principle that death should end an author's work and so it +should remain, even as Sodom and Gomorrah, Pompeii and Herculaneum +remained as they were when fire rained down on them from Heaven.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">(Signed),<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Harold Hersey</span>.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">London, England,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">April First, 1925.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_II" id="Chapter_II"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter II</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">From out the distant and neglected past,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The "is" or "isn'tness" of things remain<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As ever still unsolved. Admitting this,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Outscepting every sceptic, we've indulged<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Our wildest fancies ... where unknowables<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Go chasing unattainables. We've spared<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No god, religion, science, sex or art,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But laid about us with a heavy fist.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There are so many twists of humor<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In Euclid's cubes and angles. Laughter hides<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With playfulness behind philosophy<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like little monsters in an ancient's beard.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So many gods are out of work—they beg<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For bread and sympathy to empty stalls<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where once delighted thousands paid them praise.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Religion simmers in the pot, or boils<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Completely over as the housewives nod.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Strange trolls peek out from books of mathematics,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Grimace around cold scientific theories.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dwarfs and goblins play at hide and seek<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In empty attics of the homes of creeds;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While sex is swept with laughter like a gale<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When we disturb the surface with an axe.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Have mercy on our hero, Gud the Great.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The clouds of history had cloaked his tomb<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like old Zumbissus, Mord and Red Torswaine,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Until we carefully unearthed the tale<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Gud's wild adventures furnish to romance.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We took his crumbling bones and gave them life—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His human frailties and deeds of valor.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No doubt heroically he suffers thus<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At our faint hands—but let the subject be.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The future cannot hide its heroes yet<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To come beneath a cloud of silence ... hands<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Other than ours—aliens and scornful, too,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Would some day come upon this untold tale<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And lay it bare with scalpels cold and sharp.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At least we had regard for laws of prophesy,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The customs of a future time. Here stands<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Book of Gud upon the rocks of truth.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet when one goes to Rome, Dame Rumor says,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Burn Roman candles—this have we done.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_III" id="Chapter_III"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter III</span></h2> + + +<p>There was once a god whose name was Gud.</p> + +<p>Gud was not a real god such as men believe in. He was only Gud, whom no +one believes in, and so does not exist, and will not unless some man who +reads this Book of Gud should believe in him and so make him (for that +is how gods are made). If there be sufficient faith in a god, all is +well with that god, since he is made by faith alone, without works, and +is dead. But a little faith is a dangerous thing.</p> + +<p>Now Gud had had a universe, and had ordered it destroyed, and had +ordained that eternity be over and done.</p> + +<p>The morning after, Gud sat alone in space. All things else had been +destroyed save Gud and space; and Gud was lonely, for creation had been +done and undone and was no more, and eternity was over; and time was no +more, for there were no more stars to mark the course of time.</p> + +<p>Since this book is being written now, printed now, and read now and +burned now; and since printing presses and reading eyes and consuming +fires exist in an age of whirling worlds and beating hearts and ticking +watches, which mark time and thus seem to make it, it is that this book +is not. Those things that seem to happen herein, one after another, +really happened instantaneously,—for this is a tale of a timeless time, +and there will be, when these things are, no time at all, and no hope of +any time, since this story begins, and is finished the day after +eternity, which is after the ending of all that was and before the +beginning of that which will never be.</p> + +<p>Therefore, this story is really not a story, because it never could +happen until after all things had happened. So what you now are reading +has no meaning at all and no existence, real or unreal.</p> + +<p>So Gud sat alone in space. The fact that Gud was sitting is very +important. Gud sat down in haste at the very last moment of eternity, as +all things were being destroyed; for he saw that the very next moment +there would be nothing left on which to stand.</p> + +<p>As Gud sat alone in space, he thought of everything that had been and +remembered everything that was, and Gud saw that it was not good—for he +had nothing at all to do. So Gud thought he would listen to his heart +beat; but alas, he could not hear his heart beat for there was no time +for his heart to beat to.</p> + +<p>So Gud decided that he would do nothing, but alas he could do nothing +for there was nothing to do; and Gud feared nothing, for it did not +exist, and like all of us, Gud most feared that which does not exist.</p> + +<p>So Gud repented him that he had ordained that eternity be over and done; +and that he had destroyed the universe and all that was therein +contained, save himself and space.</p> + +<p>Then Gud said to himself, there being no one else to talk to: "I must +find something to do, or I shall go mad."</p> + +<p>Since Gud knew all things, and remembered all things, he recalled that +men in whose image he was made, also frequently retired prematurely from +business and were hard put for something to do. Gud remembered also that +great men, even though they were not as great as he, when finding +themselves in similar circumstances, sometimes wrote their +autobiographies.</p> + +<p>So Gud decided to write his autobiography. And Gud wrote it. He wrote it +instantaneously, there being no time in which to write it. Gud did not +write it upon tables of stone, as there was no stone out of which to +make the tables; and besides there was no gravity and hence the stones +would have floated away.</p> + +<p>So Gud wrote his autobiography on nothing. But as Gud knew all things +he saw no need of writing them down, since there was no one else to read +them, and so he really never wrote his autobiography on anything. +However when he had finished the manuscript, he sent it to a publisher.</p> + +<p>And waited....</p> + +<p>Gud received but little satisfaction from writing his autobiography +because it was never published. Had Gud been a true literary artist this +would have made no difference, since to the true artist the plaudits and +ducats of the multitude have no meaning whatever. But the ducats of the +multitude are the only reason publishers ever publish books, as any +honest publisher will tell you. The reason that you do not know this is +because you have not been told, and the reason that you have not been +told is because publishers hate publicity.</p> + +<p>But, while Gud was not a true artist, as any critic who has looked at +his work could tell you, yet he was a good artisan and had considerable +experience in his craft, which was that of creating things. So now, +receiving no satisfaction from having written his autobiography, Gud +decided that there was nothing else to do but to go back to work at his +old trade. So he arose and went to get his kit of well-beloved tools, +which were the tools of creation.</p> + +<p>As there was no light Gud was in the dark. So he walked in a circle, as +one always does when he walks in the dark and does not know where he is +going. The reason that Gud did not know where he was going is because he +started out to get his tools of creation.</p> + +<p>Then Gud recalled that he had destroyed everything, including the tools. +And at the thought that he had made a perfect job of destruction, Gud +decided that it was the end of a perfect day, and he fell asleep.</p> + +<p>When Gud awoke it was as it was. He did not even feel rested, for he had +not slept very well, having had a bad dream. This dream was so bad that +one might have called it a nightmare, had it not been dreamed the day +after eternity and perforce must have been a day dream.</p> + +<p>Gud realized that he ought to have the dream interpreted, for a dream is +meaningless until it is interpreted.</p> + +<p>So he decided that he needed a psychoanalyst. All of these having been +destroyed, Gud decided to create one. This decision brought him back to +the painful realization that he possessed no tools of creation. So Gud +decided to make a new set of tools of creation. But alas there was +nothing out of which to make the tools of creation—nothing except Gud +himself and space. So not wishing to dismember himself, Gud decided that +space was the only raw material available out of which to fashion new +tools of creation. There was plenty of space—probably no more than +there had always been, but it seemed more because there was nothing in +it.</p> + +<p>As there was no light, Gud could not see the space, but he knew it was +there because it had not been destroyed; moreover, he could feel it. In +fact it was all about him and plenty more just like it everywhere else. +So Gud reached out and felt of the space, and thereby discovered that +the space was full of points.</p> + +<p>Then Gud picked up two of the points and placed them, one on his right +and the other on his left.</p> + +<p>And Gud felt the two points, and lo, there was a straight line between +them. As Gud felt of the straight line, he discovered that it was the +shortest distance between two points. Now Gud remembered that all +through eternity, which was finished and done, a straight line had +always been the shortest distance between two points, and Gud remembered +also that this was the truth.</p> + +<p>And the truth that was in the straight line mocked Gud. So he took hold +of the straight line and bent it until it was no longer straight. But as +he bent the straight line another took its place, and truth was still in +the straight line; for it was still the shortest distance between two +points. So Gud struck off one of the points that was at one end of the +straight line. But straightway another point came at the end of that +which remained of the line, and truth was still in the line, for it was +still the shortest distance between two points.</p> + +<p>And Gud became heated with wrath. So he picked up a palm leaf fan and +fanned himself. Then Gud said: "That which I cannot destroy I will +change." And he set about to make a curved line between two points that +should be shorter than a straight line.</p> + +<p>Gud toiled diligently at the task for for what would have been a long +time if there had been any time. After he had made an infinite number of +curves between the two points, all of which were longer than the +straight line, he chanced to make a curve which he fitted between the +two points. When he felt it Gud was filled with pride—for the last +curve which he had made was a shorter distance between two points than a +straight line, and thus was truth destroyed.</p> + +<p>But this curve which Gud had made was a changing curve, and it continued +to change. And Gud became frightened so that his knees smote one against +the other. The curve ceased not in its changing and presently it had +changed so much that it became impossible, and Gud said: "This thing +which I have made is impossible." So he took the impossible curve and +swung it about his head with a mighty swing and hurled it out of space.</p> + +<p>When Gud had hurled the impossible curve out of space he felt again +between the two points and found that the straight line had returned, +and was again the shortest distance between the two points. And Gud +said: "Let it be so. Old truth is better than new fiction."</p> + +<p>And the eyes of Gud were opened, and he knew that there was much truth +all about him, and that all space was full of truths and that the truths +of space were mathematics. And Gud said: "It is good, for lo, here is +something out of which I can fashion me the tools of creation!"</p> + +<p>So Gud took a circle and a square, and, with the square, Gud squared the +circle. Then he took a plane and planed off the sides of the circle he +had squared and so produced a diamond, which is an element. Then Gud +transmuted the first element into many elements and so produced matter.</p> + +<p>Now Gud was about to mix the matter with the mathematics to form the +chemical life, but he was weary and sat down to rest by the heap of +matter and mathematics and pondered himself whether life was worth the +making. And Gud decided that if he made life he would have to make also +many laws of nature to control life and that all of this would be much +trouble, especially, if they were to be all hand-made.</p> + +<p>As he sat debating what he should do, Gud picked up a circle, and, +toying with it, he happened to turn it about so that it described a +sphere. It was a thing of beauty and he tossed it up to see how it felt +from a distance. When Gud tossed the sphere it began whirling; and as it +whirled, it gave off a sweet sound. The sound pleased Gud and he turned +other circles about and made more spheres and set them whirling; and +they made a concord of sweet sounds which was the music of the spheres +and like unto the sound made by dewdrops falling on the petals of pale +poppies by the amber light of a low hung moon shining upon a +moss-covered tomb.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_IV" id="Chapter_IV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter IV</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Shepherd and Son and little Bo-peep<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Herd all the souls like frightened sheep.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Staff in hand, hair like snow<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Does even He know where they go?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A swish as of a sudden wind....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An open window ... a candle thinned,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From broken bodies' spirits leap<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To join the flock of frightened sheep.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">So ever They drive them on and on<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Down the night and over the dawn,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when dusk comes through golden bars<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They urge them onward up the stars.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_V" id="Chapter_V"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter V</span></h2> + + +<p>When the music had done Gud picked up a curved line which was shaped +like a scimetar and whacked at the whirling spheres. Each time Gud +whacked, he whacked off a disk from a whirling sphere; and the disks +continued to whirl and ceased not. Soon a corner of space was full of +whirling wheels. And Gud wondered what made the wheels go round.</p> + +<p>As he felt the wheels go round Gud remembered a far and distant world he +had once visited before he had destroyed the universe. He remembered +that this little world had been full of machines and that the machines +had wheels going round, and could make things. And Gud remembered as far +back as a god can remember, and yet he could not recall ever having made +machines that made things. He saw that he had been unprogressive to +have created with hand tools and never to have made machines nor the +things that machines made.</p> + +<p>So Gud resolved straightway to make a creating machine. He gathered the +wheels together and filled them with substance from the heap of matter +that he had made. And then he took squares and triangles and curves and +cones and rhomboids and tetrahedrons and a great many other things that +were in space; and he worked very fast and furiously, and presently he +had made a machine which ground with a deafening roar, for it was a +high-speed, self-acting, creating machine, the like of which had never +been.</p> + +<p>And the machine began to create and to grind out things. But there was +nothing alive in the things which the creating machine ground out, for +it had not in it the breath of life, but only the spirit of the machine. +Those things which the machine made were other machines; and they came +out of the creating machine endowed with the spirit of the machine, and +straightway they began also to turn and grind with a great and +discordant roar.</p> + +<p>The machines of transportation began to distribute the other machines +through space. They roared and shrieked and whistled as they hurtled +thither and yon, and Gud fled before them.</p> + +<p>Then came also great lighting machines and filled all the center of +space with light, and drove the darkness into the outer edges of space, +toward which Gud had fled.</p> + +<p>There were many myriads of machines that Gud did not know, and he had no +time in which to name them. But there were some machines that were very +dreadful, and of these Gud knew the names and the uses, for he had seen +the like of them in the little world of machines he had once visited, +for these were killing machines.</p> + +<p>But the killing machines could find nothing to kill for there was not +any life, but only the machines that were fast filling all space. The +spirit of the killing machines was not to create but to destroy and they +boomed and shrieked mightily for their prey. Gud was sore afraid, and +because of the great noise of the machines, he could not remember that +he was immortal and need not fear even the killing machines.</p> + +<p>So Gud reached the outer edges of space and stood there in the dark +panting and trembling. And Gud regretted that he had made the creating +machine which had made all of the other machines, and he wondered what +he might do to undo what he had done. Then Gud bolstered his courage, +and walked back into the midst of the roaring machines and bade the +machines be still. But only hearing the machines, the talking machines +and the printing machines obeyed, for they only understood the word of +Gud. Then he commanded the talking machines and the printing machines to +make words and news and gossip, and to proclaim to the other machines +that they should cease to roar.</p> + +<p>And the word machines obeyed Gud and made words, but the other machines +harkened not unto the words of Gud.</p> + +<p>Gud feared that if the machines did not cease to be made they might fill +all space, so that nothing else could ever be. Then Gud, remembering +that he was immortal, walked up to a great killing machine which gaped +its terrible maw to swallow him. But Gud feared not and walked into the +terrible maw and into the throat of the killing machine. And when Gud +came out of the bowels of the killing machine he held in his hand a +great sword that was as long as hope deferred and as broad as a liberal +mind. Carrying the sword, Gud fled again from the midst of the machines +and to the outer reaches of space.</p> + +<p>And Gud swung the mighty sword and cut off the edges of space. He made +haste, for the machines did fast approach and he feared that they might +fill all space. So Gud ran about swinging his mighty sword, and shearing +the edges of space.</p> + +<p>The edges of space Gud trimmed off from the center of space where the +machines were, so that the space occupied by the machines was bounded +about by clean edges of space, beyond which no more space was and not +anything at all.</p> + +<p>And it came to pass that there was very little space for Gud to be in, +and the machines came on. Gud stood against the clean edges of space and +brandished his mighty sword and cried: "Come on, ye soulless machines, +for I am Gud and I fear ye not."</p> + +<p>As the machines came on, Gud swung his sword with might and valor, and +the machines that fell before the sword of Gud were as many as there are +ways to displease a woman. So great was the destruction of the machines +that the calculating machines did call a halt and asked for a truce. But +Gud would give no quarter. Then the calculating machines, leaving the +others to receive the blows of Gud, hied themselves back to the center +of space where the creating machine was.</p> + +<p>As the result of their calculations, reinforcements came to the cause of +the machines. These new recruits came on with whistlings and hummings +and greater roaring than Gud had yet heard; and his courage was shaken +so that his sword trembled in his hands, for the new recruits to the +cause of the machines blew a great blast before them; for they were the +fans and the blowers.</p> + +<p>And Gud felt the blast in his face, and his sword swayed and shivered +like a feather in the blast. And the blast became a mighty wind and the +wind blew the sword of Gud from his hand and blew it over the edge of +space, so that Gud was unarmed and cried aloud for quarter. But the +howling of the blast drowned his cry, and the fans and blowers came on, +blowing all before them. Gud turned and fled and ran around the narrow +rim of the edge of space, but the fans and blowers followed after him +and made a great cyclone that blew around the edges of space. Gud fled +in the wind and was bruised and torn by the wind and the garments of Gud +were shattered and torn ... and Gud was lifted out of space and hurled +into an abysmal void where not even space was.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_VI" id="Chapter_VI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter VI</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But in that wind beyond all space<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The blast howled fiercely in his face....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Suddenly, from out the sky<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A mote of dust blew in his eye.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">With pain he slowly rubbed it out,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Examined it with passing doubt,<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then burst into a tide of mirth:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It was the cinder of an earth!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_VII" id="Chapter_VII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter VII</span></h2> + + +<p>Gud was walking and as he walked he wondered wherein and whereon he was +walking. But as he knew all things he realized that he was in the Nth +dimension and that he was walking along the Impossible Curve which he +had thrown out of space.</p> + +<p>So Gud walked along the Impossible Curve in the Nth dimension until he +came to a heap of discarded theories. It was a tangled heap and looked +as if it might be a hiding place of ideas. So Gud caught up one of the +sturdier theories and shook it, and the dried facts that the theory had +borne rattled off like rotten fruit from a dead branch. Gud plucked the +twigs of hypotheses from the heavier theory—and so made for himself a +staff. This he rammed lustily into the tangled heap of theories, +whereupon something ran out and leaped along the Impossible Curve.</p> + +<p>When it stopped, Gud, with his staff in hand, walked after it and came +up to it, and thought that it was the echo of a voice.</p> + +<p>"What were you doing?" demanded Gud, "hiding in that heap of discarded +theories?"</p> + +<p>"Alas," said that which Gud thought was the echo of a voice, "I was not +hiding. There was nothing left of me to hide, because I was an obedient +man and gave myself away even as I was told to do."</p> + +<p>"What did they tell you to do?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"They told me to do what I did."</p> + +<p>"What did you do?"</p> + +<p>The nothing sighed, and then said faintly: "I gave my wealth to the +poor, my mind to my work, my heart to my wife, my life to my country and +my soul to my god."</p> + +<p>Gud reached over and picked up the nothing which he had thought was the +echo of a voice. He picked it up by the ears, which were very thin, and +looked into its eyes, which were pale pink, and stroked its fur, which +was soft and white. Then Gud tied the nothing's ears together and hung +it over his staff, and proceeded on his way.</p> + +<p>As Gud walked on along the Impossible Curve he saw himself approaching +to meet him. This made Gud very angry at himself because himself +insisted on walking in the opposite direction, which seemed to show Gud +that he had a dual nature and could go two ways at once. So Gud charged +ahead to meet himself, and as he approached himself he swung the staff, +which was over his shoulder, with a vicious blow at himself.</p> + +<p>In his anger, Gud had forgotten the nothing which was hanging by its +ears on his staff. As he swung the staff, the Impossible Curve took a +sudden turn in an unknown direction so that Gud missed himself at which +he struck. But that which was hanging by the ears flew off the staff and +went hurtling through the deceitful mirror.</p> + +<p>In this new excitement Gud forgot himself and peered through the +deceitful mirror to see what had become of nothing. Gud saw that nothing +was being chased by something, which Gud recognized as the reflection of +an Underdog.</p> + +<p>The chase was exciting; the nothing ducked and the reflection of an +Underdog leaped over it. Then the nothing turned and started back toward +the deceitful mirror, through which Gud was peering. The reflection of +the Underdog turned also, and when the quarry reached the mirror it came +back through and its pursuer came after it.</p> + +<p>Quickly Gud swung his staff again and broke the mirror into ten thousand +pieces. Then he turned about and saw, by the contented look on the face +of the Underdog, that nothing was no more. Gud was glad he had been +engaged in breaking the mirror and so had not seen the finale of the +chase, for thus he missed the suffering of the victim and yet could see +the satisfaction of the victor.</p> + +<p>Gud now looked at the staff in his hand and saw that it had borne a +luscious fruit. He plucked the fruit and tasted it. At first it tasted +very sweet but later the taste turned bitter in his mouth. Gud looked +again at the staff which he had picked from the heap of discarded +theories, and Gud saw that he held in his hand the theory of conquest. +In horror he hurled it from him, and it struck the Underdog, who gave +forth a great howl of pain.</p> + +<p>Gud felt compassion for the Underdog and picked him up and nursed his +wound, and the Underdog licked Gud's hands. Then he sat the Underdog +down and started on his way, and the Underdog followed at Gud's heels +along the Impossible Curve.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_VIII" id="Chapter_VIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The Gogs are good, the Gogs are great,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They rule a realm of real estate.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Their greedy little eyes are slits<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That vision beauty torn to bits,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when the night's aglow with stars<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They stagger through the lupinars.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Gogs are good, the Gogs are great<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We slave to rent their real estate;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We toil in their behalf like fools,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Obey their customs, creeds and rules,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Because each intellectual hog<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Would like to be, and is a Gog!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_IX" id="Chapter_IX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter IX</span></h2> + + +<p>So they trudged along very happily until they met some one.</p> + +<p>Gud was dumbfounded. "What can you be doing on this Impossible Curve?" +he cried, "for I destroyed everything and my dog has eaten nothing. +Speak up, sir, and tell me what you are before I annihilate you again."</p> + +<p>"I am Cruickshank, the bookkeeper," replied the some one.</p> + +<p>"Ah ha," exclaimed Gud, "and so you are another of those living things +that evolved out of the ooze and slime of that little sphere that got +the valences of its carbon atoms so dreadfully entangled!"</p> + +<p>"I am a man," said Cruickshank, the bookkeeper.</p> + +<p>"But," said Gud, quite exasperated, "I told you I destroyed everything."</p> + +<p>"And so you did," agreed Cruickshank, the bookkeeper, "but do you not +recall those that escaped and floated down on the star dust to wait for +the day of judgment?"</p> + +<p>"I certainly remember them very well," said Gud, "but I would have you +to know that this is not the day of judgment but the day after eternity, +and what is more, you did not escape on the star dust as you claim, for +I chased after that bunch and destroyed them quite utterly."</p> + +<p>"In a way," said Cruickshank, the bookkeeper, "you did, but we saved our +souls by losing them."</p> + +<p>"But," cried Gud, "you are not a soul, for see—" and Gud poked +Cruickshank, the bookkeeper, gingerly in the ribs—"you are a material +man with ribs and life and a liver and much orthodox and conventional +stupidity. In fact, you seem very much like Cruickshank that you always +were. How do you explain that?"</p> + +<p>"The explanation is very simple," said Cruickshank, the bookkeeper, "and +also very important; and you would do well not to forget it or tamper +with it. I am Cruickshank the bookkeeper, just as I always have been, +because you can not change human nature. And what is more, I tell you +that if you divided all the wealth up equally it would be unequal again +before sunset."</p> + +<p>"Mere popular fallacies," said Gud. "And now I am going to show you who +I really am. When my Underdog here barks at the moon you are going to +change into a boiled lobster with one great claw—a very red lobster, on +which your insufferable white collar will look quite ridiculous."</p> + +<p>"But," cried Cruickshank, "you can not change human nature!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, I know," said Gud. "That is why I am doing it. Now bark," +commanded Gud, addressing the Underdog, whose name was Fidu.</p> + +<p>"But," said Fidu, "I do not see any moon to bark at."</p> + +<p>"Imagine one, stupid," said Gud.</p> + +<p>So Fidu imagined a moon to bark at, and barked at the moon he imagined; +and then he and Gud went on their way, leaving a great, red, boiled +lobster, wearing a white collar and crawling backward with one claw, +along the Impossible Curve.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_X" id="Chapter_X"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter X</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Now Cruickshank was a loyal worker<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who frowned upon the average shirker,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And in the place where Cruickshank toiled<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The wheels of work were shrewdly oiled,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And profits had a way of rising<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Which showed the firm as enterprising.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Through years that numbered thirty-one<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cruickshank hated the owner's son—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Stool pigeon" was the name the boy<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Had given him with whoops of joy.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In Cruickshank's breast ambition burned<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And so he lived and worked and earned,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Robbed Paul and Peter, had no gout<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And made his family go without.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sly Cruickshank in his stealthy way<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bought shares in the firm for a rainy day,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Existing on a miser's dole<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For the hour when he would have control,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wander in and announce the doom<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of the President's son in the President's room....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So Cruickshank labored and did not shirk<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Though his poor wife died from overwork.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But finally came the day of days....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sly Cruickshank asked for a lordly raise.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When father and son had answered "No"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Expecting old Cruickshank to go<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He shrieked the triumph of his soul:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"You are both discharged—I'm in control——"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The President looked at the President's son;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the son looked at his father's son<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In a mirror that hung on the wall nearby<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And carefully straightened his yellow tie.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Old Cruickshank waited ill at ease<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And felt a trembling in his knees—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The President spoke: "Why, we've just mailed<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The notice that this firm has failed."<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XI" id="Chapter_XI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XI</span></h2> + + +<p>After a long journey Gud came to a place where it looked as if it needed +rain. So he sat down upon a cactus and took out his horoscope and +consulted the stars. Then he made an elliptical ring around a new moon +and hung the moon low in the sky. And Gud took a scarlet runner bean and +put it in a pot and lit a fire of cactus thorns and set the pot to boil. +When the thorns began to crackle, an arrogant savor arose from the pot, +and the vapors of it filled the sky, and through the vapors the new-made +moon shown red as the blood of saints torn by lions because of their +faith.</p> + +<p>Gud blew his breath on the fire and it waxed hot as anger and the pot +boiled over and quenched the fire. Gud reached his hand into the pot and +drew out the bean and cut it into three halves. And the left half of the +bean he ate, and the right half of the bean he cast into Hell, but the +other half of the bean Gud planted beneath a flat stone that bore the +footprint of a hero who had passed that way when the stone was but a +drifting sand on a lonely shore.</p> + +<p>Presently the bean half sprouted, and the sprout split the stone athwart +and rent the footprint of the hero. Gud watered the bean with tears, +because there was no rain in that place. So the bean grew and on its +stem were the leaves of the maiden-hair tree, and the tendrils by which +the bean clambered were the tendrils of the snake-feeder vine, and the +flowers that sprang from the nodules of the bean stalk were the flowers +of the wormwood tree, but they gave forth the odor of liverworts and +were of the color of faded hopes or of stale music.</p> + +<p>Gud cut marks on the bean pole to observe the rate of growth of the bean +vine, and he found that it grew much faster than grief dies but not so +fast as jealousy is born.</p> + +<p>And when the bean reached the top of the pole and could grow no more, it +conceived and bore a fruit that was like a ripe gourd. Four eyes grew in +the face of the fruit and a dim light shone out of the eyes. And Gud +heard the patter of tiny feet within, and presently the ghosts of three +blind mice came out of the four eyes of the fruit, one out of each of +the four eyes, for the third one came out twice.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh, under the stars are things to see that fold<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Their shining webs around the hidden sun....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When the flesh is faint and the heart grows limp and old,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Surely the work of living is not done.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There was a breathless stillness and the crowd<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Leaned forward, looking on and barely stirred.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The surgeon, knife in hand, with spotted shroud,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Cut close around the heart and said no word.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They saw his patient die, and whispered one<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Unto another in the clinic there.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But yet the surgeon saw strange actions done<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That streaked his head with strands of snow-white hair.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">From out the dead man's open chest there crept<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A shaggy spider shining in the light,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That shook itself like one who having slept<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Puts vainly back the shadows of the night.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The surgeon clutched his throat. Within his breast<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He felt a living thing twist here and there;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A thing that stirred from out a deep unrest<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Like something moving through a drowned man's hair.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The students only saw his hair turn white....<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But he heard tiny pulses throb and beat,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He felt slim fingers clawing out of sight<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And hearkened to the patter of tiny feet.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then shrieking fell across the clinic floor<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The students pouring from their seats. Stark dead<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He must have been for he said nothing more;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His fingers twitched and once he moved his head.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They did not see that from his mouth there crept<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A shaggy spider shining in the light,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That shook itself like one who having slept<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Puts vainly back the shadows of the night.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then sideways moved it, trembling as though cold,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Following where the other spider ran....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Oh, hidden away there are things that are strange and old,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And weave strange webs in the very breast of man.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XII" id="Chapter_XII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XII</span></h2> + + +<p>And the ghosts of the three blind mice sang to Gud as if their hearts +would break. They sang of brave deeds, for they had been field mice and +they had died upon the field of honor.</p> + +<p>And when the song was done, Gud wept again; for now he understood why it +had never rained in that place.</p> + +<p>So he arose and stamped out the smouldering embers of the fire he had +builded, and whistled for the Underdog. And when the Underdog came he +devoured the ghosts of the three blind mice, the one after the other and +the third which came out twice, after the one. Then the Underdog licked +his chops and Gud sighed, and together they departed from that place, +very sorrowful that they had come.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XIII" id="Chapter_XIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII</span></h2> + + +<p>"What are you eating?" asked Fidu, the Underdog, returning from a +fruitless chase.</p> + +<p>"I am eating leopard's spots," replied Gud; "will you have some?"</p> + +<p>"No thanks," returned Fidu, "for they look to me like apples of Sodom or +Dead Sea fruit."</p> + +<p>"That is what they are."</p> + +<p>"But," retorted Fidu, "you just now said they were leopard's spots."</p> + +<p>"So they were," said Gud, "but I changed them."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XIV" id="Chapter_XIV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XIV</span></h2> + + +<p>Then Fidu pricked up his ears and listened. And Gud listened also and he +heard a far-off wailing sound, as of a soul in torment. So he bade Fidu +to remain where he was, and he cast down his staff for the Underdog to +watch, for he was a watchdog also.</p> + +<p>Then Gud went on alone to find the cause of the wailing. When he found +it, behold, it was a soul in pain, and Gud said: "What can I do to stop +your wailing?"</p> + +<p>The tormented soul replied: "Oh, comrade, I wail because of the memory +of injustice and inequality."</p> + +<p>"Then your case is simple. I do not know what these things were, the +memory of which distresses you, but I have a tube of oblivion here that +I can assure you will destroy any memory."</p> + +<p>At this the soul shrank from Gud and wailed the louder. "But, I do not +want to forget, for that would be unfaithful to the cause."</p> + +<p>"Then, what do you want?" asked Gud impatiently.</p> + +<p>"I want to see the revolution come."</p> + +<p>"What is that?" asked Gud, his curiosity now thoroughly aroused.</p> + +<p>"The revolution," said the soul, "would make a world where all are +equal, and perfect justice reigns."</p> + +<p>"I never heard of a world like that, but I think I can make one. If I do +so, will that stop your wailing?"</p> + +<p>"Alas, it cannot be, for the world of equality must be made by the +workers themselves."</p> + +<p>"But I do not see any workers."</p> + +<p>"True, they were all destroyed in the rebellion against their masters."</p> + +<p>"Then, where are the masters?"</p> + +<p>"They were all destroyed in suppressing the rebellion of the workers."</p> + +<p>"That must have been quite a fight," remarked Gud. "On which side were +you?"</p> + +<p>"My heart was with the workers," said the soul, "but my training and +inhibitions were with the masters. Therefore, I was torn between +opposing forces and was transfixed with horror and remained neutral, +which is why I alone escaped destruction."</p> + +<p>"Just what were you?" asked Gud, a little puzzled.</p> + +<p>"I was a parlor sociologist," said the soul, straightening up proudly.</p> + +<p>"I am sorry that you weren't either a master or a worker," said Gud, +"for your wailing annoys me and it annoyed my dog. I think I had better +destroy you now."</p> + +<p>At this the soul cringed cowardly, and Gud was annoyed and turned to go, +whereupon the soul started wailing more dismally than ever.</p> + +<p>Gud turned back again and said: "Whatever it was you wanted, I see I +will have to make it for you, because I cannot stand that wailing—it +sounds like a hell that a friend of mine was experimenting with, and I +do not like it."</p> + +<p>"I wail," said the soul, "because I remember the injustice and +inequality, and because the workers are all destroyed and revolution can +never be."</p> + +<p>"Nonsense! Nothing can never be. Let us make this thing and be done with +it. What was it you said you wanted?"</p> + +<p>"The world of equality."</p> + +<p>"But just a moment ago you said it was a revolution."</p> + +<p>"True. But that was but a means to the end."</p> + +<p>"Shall I make the means or the end?"</p> + +<p>"Alas, neither can ever be, for the workers are destroyed."</p> + +<p>"You said that before. You talk in circles like a philosopher, and I +don't like philosophers; they are all talk; I believe in action. I don't +know what you want, but I heard you say something about a world. I +understand that and can make it—I have made myriads of them just to +pass the time away. Wait a second."</p> + +<p>When he had spoken thus, Gud took out his pocket handkerchief and held +it up by two corners. "Now, you see," said Gud, as he exhibited first +one side and then the other; "the handkerchief is perfectly empty."</p> + +<p>The soul looked at the handkerchief and saw that Gud spoke the truth.</p> + +<p>"Now watch!" said Gud, determined to do this thing as impressionably as +possible. Then, as the soul watched, Gud caught up the other corners of +the handkerchief; then he rolled it into a ball and tossed it up and +caught it and made magic passes and said: "Doramialfalfalasido" and did +several other perfectly useless and unnecessary things, as all magicians +and miracle workers do. Then he caught the handkerchief by the center +and shook it out vociferously, and there was a nice virgin world +spinning round and round, with its axis wabbling a bit so as to give it +a change of climate.</p> + +<p>The soul was duly impressed when it saw a real sky-covered dirt-bottomed +world spinning from east to west; and the soul said: "I beg your pardon, +comrade, I did not recognize you as a worker, but I see that you are, +for you have created something—pardon me, but have you a card?"</p> + +<p>Gud was puzzled for a moment. Then he remembered the cards he had +printed when he entered celestial society, and he drew one out and +handed it to the soul. The soul could not read the language in which it +was printed, and not wanting to admit his ignorance, assumed that it was +O.K.</p> + +<p>"Now are you satisfied?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"The world pleases me, but there is no one in it."</p> + +<p>So Gud took the soul by the hand and they leaped across the void and +found themselves in the world Gud had made, and standing in a beautiful +garden full of luscious fruit and nice tame animals.</p> + +<p>The soul sighed a little sigh of delight, and sat down on an ant hill +and began eating alligator pears. Gud strolled around for a few +centuries and counted the animals to see if they were all there, and +being satisfied on that point, he went back to the soul, who was still +sitting on the ant hill eating avacadoes. So Gud went out again and +counted the sands of the seashore. He had to count five times to make +the count come out twice alike, but in the middle of the fifth count he +succeeded and so he went back and found the soul had eaten all the fruit +in the garden and was beginning to whimper.</p> + +<p>"Oh, bother," said Gud, "are you going to start that wailing again? +What's the matter now?"</p> + +<p>"I have not the patience," the soul cried, "to wait for the tedious and +materialistic process of evolution to make rational beings; and besides +if I had, in the struggle for existence they would all become unequal +and the revolution would still have to be—it might be sanguinary, and +the sight of blood makes me sick at my stomach."</p> + +<p>"I never said anything about evolution," replied Gud. "As a matter of +fact, I do not take much stock in it, and many of my friends do not +believe in it at all; besides, it is liable to get out of hand and +produce something entirely different from one's designs. So if you will +tell me what more you want I will make it outright, like I did this +world."</p> + +<p>"I only want," said the soul, "to see this beautiful place inhabited by +happy, rational beings among whom there will be no inequality."</p> + +<p>"That means that they must all be exactly alike as atoms of hydrogen."</p> + +<p>"Well—yes," admitted the soul rather grudgingly. "I suppose it does, if +you put it that way, but it sounds much nicer merely to speak of +equality."</p> + +<p>"Put it any way you like, I want to get the job done and get back to my +dog. He is faithful enough, but I don't like to put too much strain on +fidelity. Now, as I get it, you want this world peopled with rational +beings that are all alike. I am ready to make them, only what kind do +you want—something like yourself?"</p> + +<p>"No! no! not like me, for I am a weak and selfish fence-straddler. +Moreover, I am too modest to be used as a prototype for the members of a +perfect world."</p> + +<p>"Worse than that, you are a ghost and immaterial and invisible to animal +eyes. If I filled the world with creatures like you, the animals might +walk right through them—No, we want material beings."</p> + +<p>"Then materialize me," cried the soul in sudden eagerness.</p> + +<p>"Hold on, if I materialize you in your present immaterial likeness, then +all the beings I am to make for this world would have to be like you or +you would be the exception and spoil the equality."</p> + +<p>"That is so," admitted the soul.</p> + +<p>"We are standing here talking like metaphysicians. If there is anything +I hate worse than philosophers, it is metaphysicians which are +philosophers bereft of what commonsense they did have. I have made this +world scientifically," continued Gud, "but the work you want done now is +a work of art, and I shall need a model. Since you refuse to be used as +a model, I will have to resort to an old trick of my profession."</p> + +<p>Gud paused significantly and walked over to a nearby pool of water that, +having sought its level in a quiet nook, was very placid. He bent over +the pool for a moment and smiled in a pleased fashion at what he saw. +But the position was unpleasant and the ground at the edge of the pool +was damp and stained his robe where it stretched over his knees. So Gud +picked up the pool and propped it up against a rock in a nearly vertical +position.</p> + +<p>His reflection in the propped-up pool was still more pleasing and Gud +called the soul over to him:</p> + +<p>"I am going to use my reflection for a model," said Gud, "to fashion the +creatures you want to people this world. To try the idea out first, I am +going to re-do you in my own image."</p> + +<p>The soul was mute with embarrassment and suffered Gud to place it upon a +hastily constructed easel. Then, glancing at his own reflection in the +propped-up pool, Gud, with a few deft strokes, redid the soul into an +image of himself.</p> + +<p>Gud lifted the re-done soul down from the easel and set it over beside +the propped-up pool, and then stood back and looked at his own +reflection and then at the soul which he had re-made in his own image: +and the only way he could tell them apart was by the background.</p> + +<p>"That's one of the best pieces of copying I ever did," cried Gud. "I am +delighted with my craftsmanship. But before I make the rest of the +crowd, I think we had better materialize ourselves, otherwise there +would not be equality in the world, because we would be immaterial and +hence be different from the others."</p> + +<p>"Quite right, you are, comrade," said the soul, who was now the image of +Gud and so had to agree with him.</p> + +<p>Gud looked around for some clever trick by which he could make this +materialization impressive—and the soul also looked around, being Gud's +double and having identical thoughts. When Gud saw that his thoughts +were the soul's thoughts, he was annoyed, because he saw he could not do +anything now to astonish or impress the soul. So Gud decided to +materialize without any hocus pocus, and the soul thought what Gud +thought; so they materialized themselves without more ado.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Gud, "let's make the rest of us."</p> + +<p>"That's what I was thinking," agreed the soul.</p> + +<p>"And shall we be savage or civilized?"</p> + +<p>"Civilized," said the soul; "of course, it will be a lot of bother to +make all the appurtenances of civilization, but one can't have equality +as long as there is savagery and poverty in the world."</p> + +<p>"That's just what I was thinking," agreed Gud, annoyed to find himself +thinking the soul's thoughts.</p> + +<p>So Gud, and his image that had been the soul, made a world full of +civilized beings and all the appurtenances of civilization, and they did +it very quickly, for they were both impatient to find themselves +thinking the other's thoughts, and were desirous to get the job done and +get away from that world and get back to the Underdog.</p> + +<p>And when they had done this thing they found themselves in a great +convention hall that had arisen where the garden had been. The hall was +full of creatures made in the exact image of Gud and in the image of the +soul that Gud had re-made in his own image.</p> + +<p>As Gud glanced around, marveling at the myriads of creatures that were +exactly alike, he suddenly realized that he could no longer identify the +soul for which he had done all this—and for a brief moment he was very +much relieved for that particular creature had annoyed him grieviously.</p> + +<p>But Gud's relief was of short duration, for it was dawning upon his +consciousness that he had done a terrible thing, because all these +myriads of creatures about him looked just like himself. And Gud saw +that he had no longer the one Gud but one of a myriad of Guds; and that +he had lost his distinction and position and superiority, and all the +other satisfying attributes that attach to the office and function of +being Gud.</p> + +<p>How it would all have ended, not even Gud knew, but just then they all +saw a stream of smoke in one of the galleries and they all shouted: +"Fire." There was a wild scramble. And when the Guds nearest the fire +had stamped out the flames, the real Gud had been lost in the turmoil +and confusion, and did not know which one of the myriads of Guds was +himself and which were the other Guds made in the image of himself.</p> + +<p>It was very distressing.</p> + +<p>For three days and seven nights Gud went around that world of equality, +wondering who he was and whether he was Gud or one of the imitation +Guds; and all the imitation Guds went around wondering whether they were +Gud or one of the imitation Guds.</p> + +<p>And then a joyful event happened! The Underdog had become worried over +his master's long absence and had trailed him with his unerring canine +scent. Coming into the confusion of this world of equality, the Underdog +walked right up to the honest-to-God Gud, leaped up and sat himself upon +his own true master's shoulder and barked with delight, and licked the +cheek of his master.</p> + +<p>When he saw the action of his dog, Gud knew again for a surety that he +was himself. With a mighty cry of deliverance from this torture and +terror of pure democracy and achieved equality, Gud called down +lightning from on high and earthquakes from below and winds from abroad +and floods from the seas, and destroyed the world of equality once and +for all and forever, and all that was therein contained, and all the +myriads of fraudulent Guds he had so foolishly made in his own image to +please the longing for equality in the soul of the parlor sociologist, +and thereby stop its wailing.</p> + +<p>And when the fire and flood and the winds and the earthquakes had done +their work with neatness and dispatch, Gud and the Underdog went on +their way rejoicing, and Gud made three cats for the Underdog to chase. +They were all alike because they were copycats, and the Underdog would +chase one and then the other and then all three at once.</p> + +<p>Gud sat down and laughed at the troubles of the Underdog, because the +poor beast, despite his canine instinct, could not tell one cat from the +other two, and could not catch any of them because they were always +crossing each other's paths, so that the Underdog would chase the others +and give the one a chance to rest.</p> + +<p>But being cats, they were not friendly, even though they were copycats; +and finally they ran into each other and began to fight among themselves +and to chase each other around in a circle.</p> + +<p>Now the Underdog was wise, and he stopped running and sat down on the +edge of the circle and got the one and then the other, which left only +the third. Then Gud called off his dog, and also called up the last +copycat for a bowl of cream; and the Underdog and the copycat drank +cream together out of the same bowl. Which proves, dear children, the +importance of a good example and demonstrates the power of kindness.</p> + +<p>So Gud, and the Underdog, and the copycat all started walking along the +Impossible Curve, all of them wondering what the next adventure would +be. But I think we had better go to bed, for too much of this kind of +stuff is likely to make us talk indiscreetly in our sleep.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XV" id="Chapter_XV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XV</span></h2> + + + +<p>A great storm of the far-flung astronomical elements arose without +cause. The like of it had never been before nor since and it disobeyed +all laws, both known and unknown, natural and unnatural. Gud was sore +puzzled because the storm was without cause but not without effect. He +ran hither and here and darted thither and yon, and in the turmoil he +was separated from Fidu, his faithful Underdog.</p> + +<p>The impalpable ether that fills all space became palpable and vibrated +and palpated with incommensurate waves; and the non-popitent nether +which is beyond all space became popitent and gyrated and popitated with +calculatious ostenulations.</p> + +<p>Throughout the abysmal reaches of indefinite dimension the far-flung, +flaming suns were exploding with blinding flashes and deafening roars, +and their molten fragments were spewing and spilling this way and that, +knocking constellations asunder and painting cold, dead worlds with +liquid fire and blazing splendor.</p> + +<p>Comets fell, dragging their tails behind them, twisting and writhing as +if in pain. And the stars were falling, too. Meteors pattered as rain +upon the roof of heaven. Broken nebulae whipped along as snow-flakes +driven of the northwest wind. Pleiades smashed like hail through the +windows of space. Vile smelling gasses blew about all the interstellar +void and vastness. Tornadoes and mighty cyclones and vortices torned and +cycled vorted.</p> + +<p>All this frightened Gud, so that he sought for shelter from the storm. +Just then a little world came rolling by, and it wabbled as it rolled. +It did not look very safe, but it was solid underfoot. Gud boarded it +and found himself before a tiny cabin on the wabbling world. The cabin +was built of old cracker boxes and looked frail as a ten-cent toy; but +there was no other cover at hand, so Gud knocked on the cabin door to +ask for shelter.</p> + +<p>When no one answered, Gud entered and closed the door behind him. There +before him sat a dear little widow knitting a bellyband for someone +else's baby. She was so deaf she could not hear quinine, and so blind +she could not see a house afire, and had catarrah so badly that she +could not smell a herring; but for all that she was a very good cook.</p> + +<p>Gud addressed her in telepathy, saying: "I wonder if you would make me a +cake?"</p> + +<p>And the woman replied by thought transference and answered: "Alas, I +cannot make you a cake today, for I have but one hen and she has already +laid her one egg this morning, and I have eaten it for my breakfast."</p> + +<p>Then Gud said: "If you will show me the hen, perhaps I can persuade her +to lay another egg."</p> + +<p>So the woman called to the hen in the language of beasts and birds, and +the hen came out from under the bed where she had been looking for +insects. Gud saw that the hen had false teeth and was getting old, for +her comb was pale as roses in the night. So he flattered the vanity of +the hen by commenting on the beauty of her scarlet comb. Whereupon she +laid another egg, whilst without the cottage the astronomical storm +raged on.</p> + +<p>The widow picked up the egg and found that it was as fresh as home grown +lettuce. She made a curtsy to Gud and said: "I perceive that you are a +wise magician, for who ever heard of a stupid one that could make a hen +lay two fresh eggs in one day? And now I will make a little cake, which +will be big enough for one to eat."</p> + +<p>"Make it for two," said Gud, "for I would not like to eat alone."</p> + +<p>"But," said the widow, "how can I unless I have another egg, and the hen +has already laid two eggs in one day. How can she lay another?"</p> + +<p>"I do not know," said Gud, "but I will find out."</p> + +<p>So he called to the little hen again and gave her a homily on the evils +of race suicide. The hen became as moral as a tombstone and grievously +wrought up over the way her sisters were neglecting their duty, so that +she laid yet another egg.</p> + +<p>The widow picked up this egg and shook it also, and saw that it was even +fresher than the other one, and she made another curtsy to Gud and said: +"I perceive that you are a great fakir, but you are very clever, and so +I will make a cake for two and we shall eat it together, and perhaps +have a cup of tea, if there is any sugar in the house."</p> + +<p>At last the cake was put into the oven. The fire of the oven waxed hot +and the cake began to rise nicely. And when it had risen above the top +of the pan and almost to the top of the oven, the dear little widow +opened the oven door ever so softly. As she peeked in, a nearby +constellation broke asunder; the crash of the breaking shook the +wobbling world like a great earthquake, the cottage jarred as with a +blow from the hand of wrath, and the cake fell and was ruined utterly.</p> + +<p>Then the dear little widow began to weep because her cake had fallen, +and she was very angry through her tears and said: "What is the matter +and what happened and what ruined my cake?"</p> + +<p>"I fear me, it is the storm outside," replied Gud.</p> + +<p>"Then I think you ought to go out and stop it."</p> + +<p>"I will," agreed Gud.</p> + +<p>And he went out and stopped the storm, and while he was out he destroyed +the major portion of the local law of gravitation.</p> + +<p>When he came back into the cottage, the moral little hen was all +a-cackling and the dear little widow was all a-smiling, for behold, the +hen was looking at the widow, who in her hand held the lightest cake she +had ever lifted.</p> + +<p>After he had had his cake and eaten it, too, Gud returned to the +Impossible Curve, and as he reached it, Fidu came romping forth to meet +him.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XVI" id="Chapter_XVI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XVI</span></h2> + + +<p>As Gud passed on along the way he saw a white-haired man sitting in a +window of the sky and writing with a tattered goose quill pen, which he +dipped into a pool of blood.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He was a sad old man with gloomy eye,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Who wrote with slow and studied inference,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Heaving the while some long and doleful sigh,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or staring about with bored indifference.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Around his body there were ragged clothes<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As hung upon a scarecrow in the corn,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And on his coat was pinned a withered rose,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">From which he slowly plucked each barbed thorn.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Gud stopped upon his way and questioned him.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I am a lonely soul," the old man said,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Within this rose I find that life is grim,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Without its thorns, why even beauty's dead!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Gud wondered, yet it would not be polite<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To break the old man's tale of woe.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"I'd like to know," the ancient said, "the candle-light—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When we have blown it out where does it go?"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I do not know," said Gud, "do you?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Ah yes," replied the old man, "I know very well,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For I remember as if it were but yesterday how<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Half dead and famished, the desert in my eyes<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And hunger written on my lips<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I stood there like a captain on a hill<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Dreaming of his broken ships.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I kicked aside a stone that crushed a skull;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When from that mouth that mouldered there,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There came as if it were the voice of doom,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A haunting cry that chilled the air.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Then suddenly I laughed and turned my heel<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In that dead face; and laughing still<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I danced along the sands, played hide and seek<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And chased my shadow up a hill."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>And when the old man had done with these foolish words he suddenly +seized the rose upon his coat and tore it off and cast it from him. Then +he picked up his tattered goose quill pen and dipped it in a pool and +began to write furiously.</p> + +<p>When the old man paused and stared up vacantly, Gud spoke to him and +asked: "What are you writing?"</p> + +<p>Thereupon the old man made answer and said to Gud: "I am writing a cook +book for cannibals."</p> + +<p>Being a vegetarian in theory if not in practice, Gud was not interested, +and he passed on, walking rapidly, so that he presently overtook a man +who was following stealthily after yet another man.</p> + +<p>He who followed stooped frequently and, with a two-pronged instrument, +picked up objects from the pavement. These he cast into a brazier that +he carried, wherein that which he picked up sizzled and burned and made +a stench in its burning.</p> + +<p>Gud wot not what the man did and would know, so he plucked at the sleeve +of yet another citizen of that place and asked of him: "Who be these +two, the one that walks alone with his face aloft, and the other that +follows after, stooping and searching for filth?"</p> + +<p>Said the citizen: "These be our Genius and our Critic."</p> + +<p>"And what do they?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>To this the citizen replied: "The Genius talks words, and the Critic +follows after, and, as the words fall from the lips of Genius, the +Critic picks them up with the tongs of contempt and burns them in the +brazier of public opinion."</p> + +<p>"But why," asked Gud, "do the words of the Genius make a stench in their +burning?"</p> + +<p>"Because," said the citizen, "they are vile."</p> + +<p>Gud doubted that which the citizen told him, and he quickened his steps +and made bold to pass close to the Critic. Whereupon Gud, who could see +all things, saw that the words of the Genius which the Critic picked up +were not vile but beautiful; and that, when the Critic made a pass +toward the brazier, he put the word not therein but dropped it instead +into a wallet which he carried beneath his mantle.</p> + +<p>Gud was angered and he grasped the fellow by his egotism and shook him +until his conceit rattled and made inferential allegations of hypocrisy.</p> + +<p>"What is it to you," demanded the Critic, "if I spit into the brazier to +make a stench to please the people?"</p> + +<p>"But what do you with the words of Genius?"</p> + +<p>"By the holy name of Public Opinion! Why should a man do the work of a +street cleaner on the salary of a critic?"</p> + +<p>"I have been a public official myself," replied Gud sympathetically, +"and I know how ill such service is paid."</p> + +<p>This pleased the Critic and he turned and looked into Gud's face and saw +there the satisfied look of self-sufficient authority which he +recognized as akin to his own. Plucking confidentially at Gud's sleeve +he said: "As you appreciate that I must live by subtle ways, then +perhaps I can interest you in a few choice verbal gems."</p> + +<p>Gud realized that purchasing these words was probably illegal in this +world. But it wasn't his world, so he said: "I should like to look at +them."</p> + +<p>The Critic led Gud into the rear room of a perfectly respectable place +and opened up his wallet. Here, in a secluded corner, he emptied the +contents upon a table.</p> + +<p>Gud began fingering over the verbal gems.</p> + +<p>"Look at this," the Critic cried, picking up a brilliant one.</p> + +<p>"Too scintillating for the quiet setting I have in mind," replied Gud. +Then after examining a few more, he asked: "What will you take for the +lot?"</p> + +<p>"My price for the lot," said the Critic, "is the gift of power to speak +myself such words of genius as I have been defaming to please the +people, for I am weary of being a mere word picker and moral scavenger."</p> + +<p>Gud answered: "I can give a Critic the power to walk down the street and +spill words but I can not make a Genius pick them up."</p> + +<p>"Sold!" said the Critic, pushing the verbal gems across the table—and +immediately he began to babble words. But Gud noted that they were only +words of great talent.</p> + +<p>As he looked over the verbal gems he had purchased, Gud decided that he +had no use for them, and so he called to the departing Critic: "Where +can I sell these words?"</p> + +<p>"Go to Hell," shouted the Critic over his shoulder.</p> + +<p>So Gud went to Hell, and reaching the gate thereof he knocked and cried: +"Is this the place where one brings the words of Genius?"</p> + +<p>As Gud knew all things he knew the answer to his question before he +asked it, but he thought it best to ask anyway in order to verify his +omniscience. In this case it was wrong.</p> + +<p>"No," said the gate keeper, and he gave Gud the correct address.</p> + +<p>The way took Gud past seven more hells, for the people of this sphere, +being a righteous people, were amply helled.</p> + +<p>Reaching at last the bottom-most vault beneath the deepest hell, Gud +came upon a junk shop.</p> + +<p>As he entered, the proprietor, who looked both old and young, asked; +"Comest thou to buy or to sell?"</p> + +<p>"I have a few words which I might sell," said Gud.</p> + +<p>"I am not much interested in words," replied the proprietor, who looked +both old and young, "for I am a dealer in sin, and the sinfulness of +words is much over-rated."</p> + +<p>"But the words I have are the words of Genius."</p> + +<p>"Is the genius dead?" asked the dealer.</p> + +<p>"Not yet, but he is being hounded by a critic."</p> + +<p>"I'll take them in trade," suggested the dealer.</p> + +<p>"What do you offer?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Anything you wish. I have a very complete catalog on crimes."</p> + +<p>"I am interested in sin in a sort of professional way," admitted Gud, +"let me see your goods."</p> + +<p>Very graciously the dealer escorted Gud through the chambers where his +stock of sins was stored.</p> + +<p>It was a magnificent collection. There were huge piles of thefts of +property and of honor and virtue and of good name, and great bales of +untold lies. There were infinite infidelities and even a greater number +of credulities. There were a few ragged ends not justified by the means, +and many tyrannical prohibitions and faded blue laws, and a carefully +locked cabinet, labeled "Old Maids' Wishes."</p> + +<p>There were easy sins for beginners and more difficult sins for hardened +criminals. There were sins with which children might please their +fathers and sins for fathers to visit upon their children and their +children's children. There were sins against men which are often +forgiven and sins against women which are never forgiven. There were +sins for the rich and sins for the poor, and a few rare sins suitable +for both.</p> + +<p>The old dealer sighed as they passed the murder counter. "Some of this +stock moves very slowly," he confessed. "Indeed it keeps me busy +now-a-days finding enough fresh stock to supply the demand."</p> + +<p>Gud was a little puzzled over the nature of this business. "Your trade," +he remarked, "is, I suppose, with the inhabitants of these neighboring +hells, supplying them with new kinds of sins?"</p> + +<p>"No indeed," replied the dealer, who seemed a little insulted. "The +dwellers in hells are fed up on sin. I never deal with branded sinners. +I cater only to the best of righteous trade."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see, you bootleg sin in the heavens."</p> + +<p>"No, no, I trade with mortals, and I sell only to the conscientious and +the righteous."</p> + +<p>"And yet, you are stocked with every sin in the calendar; where is the +value to the righteous in such stock?"</p> + +<p>"Merely a matter of time and place," explained the dealer, "and the +prevailing ethical ideas of my clients. You see my business is to buy up +the moral offal of one place or time and sell it at another time or +place when or where it has high value as virtue."</p> + +<p>"Do you sell for cash or credit?"</p> + +<p>"As I do not deal with hardened sinners who would admit the value of my +wares, but only with the righteous, I dare not give credit. But as for +cash, that is not practical either, as there can be no universal medium +of exchange between people whose fundamental ideas of morality +differ—so I am obliged to trade by barter."</p> + +<p>"That must be troublesome."</p> + +<p>"Yes," agreed the dealer, "relative values differ so—in some spheres a +murder is considered more than equal to a life time of dishonesty—in +other realms murder is considered an equitable payment for the mere +accusation of untruthfulness. But the exchange values of different kinds +of thefts bother me most, they are so illogical. I have one group of +clients who place a value on thievery in an inverse ratio to the size of +the theft. Only last week one of them who had robbed a nation swept by +winter winds of all its fuel resources wished to exchange his deed for +the idea of pilfering a lock of hair from the head of his neighbor's +wife. Indeed the difficulty of finding a logical ratio between the +immoral value of a theft and the value of the property stolen is one of +the most baffling problems in the mathematics of sin."</p> + +<p>"A very interesting business you have," commented Gud, "and pray, how +came you to be in it?"</p> + +<p>"It was my father's idea, for he was a great student of morals, and +noting how they changed from age to age, he saw that if the discarded +crimes and abominations of one time or place could be transplanted to +other times and places, they would have great value as virtues. It was +only necessary to achieve immortality to make the venture practical. My +father did not achieve that for himself, as his arteries had started to +calcify before he discovered the immortality vitamin. But I fell heir to +his efforts and ideas, and I have little fault to find with the outcome.</p> + +<p>"But of late business has not been so good. There is too much +intercommunication: the moral values of murders, for instance, were once +the main profit of the house, and we could not get enough to satisfy the +various moral ends for which murder was justified. But now times have +changed and privately initiated murder hardly classes as moral +anywhere."</p> + +<p>"Then why do you not quit retailing, and trade in wholesale murders?"</p> + +<p>The dealer shook his head sadly. "Impractical," he sighed. "I can not +deal with states, since being without conscience they have no awareness +of sin, no sense of repentance and hence have nothing to offer in +exchange."</p> + +<p>In payment for the words of genius, which he left with the dealer, Gud +selected a little sin that he had been wishing to commit all his life, +and so he departed greatly pleased with his possession.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XVII" id="Chapter_XVII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XVII</span></h2> + + +<p>As Gud was passing up through hell he saw two souls which were not being +properly punished, but were strolling about as trusties of the place. +Gud approached them and asked: "Why are you two not being properly +punished?"</p> + +<p>The first soul made answer and said to Gud: "We need none of these +grosser punishments such as increased temperature and breathing SO<sub>2</sub>, +which the ancients, who imagined hell, were able, in the limits of their +scientific knowledge, to imagine. The reason that we need no such crude +material punishments is because our spiritual suffering is quite +enough."</p> + +<p>And Gud saw that the soul spake the truth, for the face of both of these +trusty souls were lined with seamy sorrow. As Gud looked upon their +sufferings he wondered why it was they suffered so, and he asked: "In +what did you two sin one by one that you should be punished two by two?"</p> + +<p>And the second suffering soul replied, "I sinned because I believed too +vehemently that there was no god, and my companion here, because he +believed over confidently that there was a god."</p> + +<p>"But is it not strange," asked Gud, "that you two, who held such +opposite doctrines, should now suffer similar punishment? How do you +explain that?"</p> + +<p>The first soul now took up the conversation with his mouth and made +answer in this wise: "We suffer now with equal suffering, I because, +believing that there was no god, found, when I died, that there was one, +and he sent me to hell. But my companion here, who believed that there +was a god, found when he died that there was none; and so he came to +hell also, as there was no place else for him to go."</p> + +<p>For a moment Gud looked upon these suffering souls with puzzlement and +wonder, and then suddenly he began to laugh.</p> + +<p>"Why do you laugh at our sufferings?" demanded the souls angrily.</p> + +<p>"I am laughing at you two," said Gud, "because when you died you both +came to hell—whereas if neither of you had believed in immortality you +would not have needed to have gone anywhere."</p> + +<p>As Gud was passing through a dismal swamp, he came to a certain cypress +tree and sat down on a knee thereof. And presently she came also and sat +down upon the other knee of the cypress tree, and they talked about the +meeting of parallel lines.</p> + +<p>But they could not agree so Gud proposed that they cut their initials on +the bark of the cypress tree.</p> + +<p>They did so, after which they parted. And Gud went on his way and so did +she.</p> + +<p>But when Gud had vanished into the depths of the dismal swamp, she +turned and went back to the cypress tree and looked at the initials that +they had carved thereon. Taking the knife that Gud had left sticking in +the tree, she carved a word below the initials. Having finished the +carving, she looked up into the branches above her and behold the +foliage of the tree had withered. Then she repented for what she had +done, and in great haste, took the knife and carved yet another word. +Whereupon the tree put out fresh buds and grew again—for such is the +power of words for good or evil.</p> + +<p>And she smiled contentedly, for hers was the last word.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XVIII" id="Chapter_XVIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XVIII</span></h2> + + +<p>Lo, the north wind trembled and the sea of sorrow froze into beauteous +frost forms that shimmered all lacy and green like ferns waving in an +ancient breeze. And frozen frogs came out of the frost ferns, croaking +and bellowing like mad, green bulls.</p> + +<p>The Underdog whimpered because he was afraid. So Gud bade the frogs be +quiet, and they were quiet with a great quietude, and peace reigned for +a spell or two.</p> + +<p>After which Gud traveled on until he met a rich merchant who was riding +across an ice floe on a camel that was gaily caparisoned and had +trappings of gold and was shod with silver shoes. And the rich merchant +hailed Gud and said: "Whither goest thou on this sleek, icy desert?"</p> + +<p>And Gud said: "I go my way rejoicing. But why is your eye so troubled?"</p> + +<p>The merchant replied: "I go in search of a strawstack."</p> + +<p>When his master said that, the camel stomped on the ice with his silver +shod foot and cut a round hole in the ice and kneeled down and drank his +fill of ice water.</p> + +<p>While the camel was kneeling, the rich merchant invited Gud to mount +upon the camel. Gud did so and the camel arose and lumbered on his +slippery way.</p> + +<p>The merchant and Gud sat in the howdah and smoked a hooka and told tales +of barter and of gain. This is one of the tales they told, and it +matters not which one told it, for it is a lie anyway.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XIX" id="Chapter_XIX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XIX</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It was a great occasion—every seat<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Was filled and jewels sparkled rich and bright—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">One almost heard each throbbing heart that beat<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As the orchestra filed in that gala night.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The music flared in one triumphal blast,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The leader swung his baton: the curtain rose:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then the soprano sang of bright skies overcast,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And silence fell upon the watching rows.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Just at that moment, some one in the crowd<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Saw wisps of black smoke curl around a board.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He shouted "fire!" It was as though a shroud<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Was flung around them by a righteous Lord.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The crowd surged forth like streams that over-flow—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And ran amuck, insane with fear and rage....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Just then an unknown player of the piccolo<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upclambered o'er the footlights to the stage:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Hold! Hold!" he cried, and waved his piccolo;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Be calm! There is no danger, if you're quiet!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then through the Opera House there echoed low<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Such music as would calm the greatest riot.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They faltered, then they heeded his desire,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then paused to hearken with suspended breath,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And spellbound listened through that awful fire<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Till every one of them was burned to death.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XX" id="Chapter_XX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XX</span></h2> + + +<p>And now the rich merchant pointed out upon the horizon a small speck +which was no larger than a woman's honesty. As the camel journeyed on +toward the horizon the speck grew in size until it was as large as the +hope of inheritance. And when they finally came up to it, behold it was +a strawstack!</p> + +<p>The camel started to eat the straw, but the merchant jumped down and +belabored the beast over the head with a marlin pin—whatever that +is—and cried: "Cease, thou gluttonous, stupid beast; knowest thou not +that thou wilt impale thy parched throat?"</p> + +<p>"Why belaborest thou the camel?" asked Gud, solicitously.</p> + +<p>"Because, there is a needle in this strawstack, and I came from the four +corners of the earth to find it. Do you think I am going to let this +fool beast devour it?"</p> + +<p>So Gud offered to hold the camel's halter while the rich merchant +searched the strawstack for the needle.</p> + +<p>After the merchant had looked in all the straws but one he gave up in +despair, for he had not found the needle.</p> + +<p>"Perseverance, dear, my lord, keeps honor bright," quoth Gud.</p> + +<p>Greatly encouraged, the rich merchant looked into the last straw and +found the needle. In glee he shouted and held up the needle in one hand +and the last straw in the other.</p> + +<p>"I perceive," said Gud, "that you are a prince of industry. But you are +also in a dilemma. If you try the last straw first and break the camel's +back, then how can the poor beast go through the eye of the needle?"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXI" id="Chapter_XXI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXI</span></h2> + + +<p>"Who was that fellow," asked Fidu, "who passed me just now with such a +wild, wild look in his eye?"</p> + +<p>"That fellow," replied Gud, "was an author who just spent a week-end +with me."</p> + +<p>"And what did you do to him?" asked Fidu. "He was as crazy as the +nebular hypothesis."</p> + +<p>"Upon his request I criticized his book, which he insisted on reading to +me."</p> + +<p>"But what did you say about it?" demanded Fidu, "he looked as locoed as +a lop-eared logarithm."</p> + +<p>"I made several criticisms. I told him that his plot was choppy, and +that most of it was stale; that the work lacked sadly in originality and +there was considerable repetition. I said it was very melodramatic in +spots and that it had entirely too many murders, and that many of the +biggest murderers seemed to escape without punishment. I also told him +that it was full of sordid realism and most unhappy endings, that it was +overloaded with action, and worst of all, it utterly lacked any evidence +of a distinct moral purpose."</p> + +<p>"Well no wonder," said Fidu, "that the poor fellow was raving; you made, +if I may say so, quite a severe criticism."</p> + +<p>"I grant that, but his book deserved it—everything I said about it was +absolutely true."</p> + +<p>"What did he call his book?" asked Fidu.</p> + +<p>"He called it," replied Gud, "'An Outline of History.'"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXII" id="Chapter_XXII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXII</span></h2> + + +<p>Presently Gud ran dead against an ivory wall; but being versed in +aviation, he flew over it. Having done so he went on walking. Gud +perceived that he was walking in a kingdom, and he walked warily, for he +was doubtful whether monarchy was an ideal form of government.</p> + +<p>His doubts increased as he noted the subjects of the kingdom, for they +appeared to be full of guile. So when he became tired and sleepy, he +durst not enter into an abode, but lay down beneath a friendly tree and +fell asleep.</p> + +<p>When Gud awoke he found that his sandals had been stolen from off his +feet. This made him very sorrowful, for his sandals had been well broken +to fit his own feet but he was worried lest they might hurt the feet of +the thief. So he made a hue and cry. When a subject of the kingdom +appeared, Gud demanded to be taken at once to the king.</p> + +<p>The king, being self-made, was not very wise and did not perceive that +Gud was his equal; therefore Gud was obliged to kneel on the little mat +that the king kept before his throne so that visitors would not bruise +their knees on the agate floor.</p> + +<p>When Gud had done kneeling and salaaming, the king offered him a +cigarette and selected a cigar for himself. Then he asked how the crops +were where Gud came from.</p> + +<p>"They are very good," said Gud, "but the morals in your kingdom are +not."</p> + +<p>To Gud's astonishment, the king replied meekly: "I know it."</p> + +<p>Gud now related to the king how the very sandals had been stolen from +off his feet as he slept beneath the tree.</p> + +<p>"Oh, wise stranger," cried the king, "it grieves me much to have you, +who come from a distant realm, discover that I have thus failed in the +first duty of government which is the protection of property. Therefore +let me make restitution for the injury done you in my kingdom."</p> + +<p>The king now sent a lackey to his treasure vault, and he fetched Gud a +pair of jeweled sandals which fitted his feet perfectly.</p> + +<p>Gud's grief being assuaged and his anger abated, he was genuinely sorry +for this stupid king, and said to him: "I have knocked about a bit and +picked up a few ideas in practical politics, so perhaps I can help you."</p> + +<p>"It is my shame and sorrow," confessed the king, "to admit to you that I +rule over a realm of thieves. We were formerly proud of our talents in +that direction, for at one time this kingdom was surrounded by rich +neighbors and our prosperity was based on the capturing of bounteous +booty from our enemies. Alas, our enemies combined and built a great +ivory wall and walled us in. And now my people steal from each other. I +have issued countless edicts against stealing, and even crucified a few +thieves, but it avails me nothing. My people steal and are proud of it. +Yet there is honor among my thieves. They are at heart law-abiding and +truth-telling citizens."</p> + +<p>"How do you know they are?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"I know, because I had a census taken in which I asked each and every +one if he were a thief, and all the thieves answered most truthfully +that they were thieves."</p> + +<p>"How do you know they answered truthfully?" questioned Gud, as he +flecked his ash. "And if they are thieves, how can they be law-abiding +citizens?"</p> + +<p>"That explanation is easy. You see, my people do not consider my edicts +against stealing as law because they maintain that it conflicts with +their established habits."</p> + +<p>"Did you say all of your citizens were thieves?"</p> + +<p>"No, not all; sixty per cent., to be specific. If you do not understand +percentage, that means that there are three thieves for every two honest +men."</p> + +<p>When the king said this Gud's eyes brightened and a satisfied smile +beamed on his courtly countenance. "The trouble," said he, "is that your +system of government is wrong."</p> + +<p>"What?" exclaimed the king. "I am the government. Am I wrong?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, you should have another government."</p> + +<p>"You mean that I should hire an assassin to kill me, so that my son +should be the government?"</p> + +<p>"No," replied Gud, "I mean that you should have a different form of +government."</p> + +<p>"I never heard of a different form of government!" declared the king, +throwing his cigar on the rug in his excitement.</p> + +<p>"Then I will explain it to you. What you need is a democracy. Your +people want it for they have an innate sense of it already. They believe +in the majority rule. Because the majority of them are thieves they want +stealing legalized. In fact, to make law against stealing is, under the +circumstances, very demoralizing, for it breeds contempt for law."</p> + +<p>"By my crown!" exclaimed the king, slapping his knee. "You are right. If +you will just show me how, we will make this democracy."</p> + +<p>So Gud showed the king how to write a declaration of independence and +frame a democratic constitution, and then they staged abdication and the +king placed his crown in the historical museum.</p> + +<p>When the king had done that, Gud said: "Now have a bill passed making +stealing legal so that the law will agree with the habits and customs of +the majority."</p> + +<p>When the king had done that also Gud said: "You are more popular than +ever, so start a secret society to be called 'The Ancient Order of +Honest Thieves.' Write the constitution and by-laws yourself and make +every citizen of your democracy eligible to membership, providing he can +show proof that he has stolen something; but make it a first principle +of honor that a thief shall not steal from a fellow thief."</p> + +<p>The king was delighted, and straightway did all which Gud demanded.</p> + +<p>The society was so popular that not only the thieves joined, but the +honest men became thieves and joined also. Everything went well until +all the citizens of the democracy but one had become members of the +"Ancient Order of Honest Thieves." Everything that this man had +possessed had been stolen, and he was naked and hungry, so finally he +decided to join the society. There being no one else left to steal from, +the last honest man stole the jeweled slippers that the king had given +unto Gud.</p> + +<p>At this Gud became so angry that he declared himself emperor, and hanged +the king on a rainy day.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXIII" id="Chapter_XXIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXIII</span></h2> + + +<p>When Gud came upon the stupid girl she was sitting under an apple tree +and weeping bitterly.</p> + +<p>"Why do you weep?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"I weep," replied the girl, "because I am in disgrace."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see, you are a fallen woman. Why don't you commit suicide?"</p> + +<p>"But I am too young to die," moaned the girl, "and besides I haven't +fallen yet. I am weeping because they tell me I am immodest."</p> + +<p>"But why do they say you are immodest?" asked Gud, as he picked up a +green apple and tasted it to see if it were ripe.</p> + +<p>"Because," explained the girl, "I made me a bathing pettitcoat and went +bathing in the pool. Someone had told me how to make it and how to sew +lead sinkers in the hem of it. But I could only remember that it was +something about fishing tackle, and I sewed corks in the hem instead of +sinkers, and so when I went bathing, the skirt floated on the top of the +water."</p> + +<p>Gud stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I can put out the eyes of the +fishes," he suggested.</p> + +<p>"But they would still remember."</p> + +<p>"I can kill the fishes," offered Gud.</p> + +<p>"But the fishes might have souls, and besides, it wasn't so much what +the fishes saw or even what the people thought the fishes saw."</p> + +<p>"What was it?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"The trouble was that my bathing suit was not in style."</p> + +<p>"Oh, if that is all I will change the style.... There, go to the drug +store and watch the clerks marking up the price of corks."</p> + +<p>"Wonderful," cried the girl, "me to be the leader of styles—But I wore +this week's styles last week—they will say I was too forward and +therefore immodest."</p> + +<p>Gud reached in a pocket of his robe and took out a patent calendar. This +he turned back two weeks. "You should worry," he said, "I have made it +week before last. You did not appear in the new-style bathing suit until +next week. Does that fix everything?"</p> + +<p>"Y-e-s," stuttered the girl doubtfully. "But what about the fishes?"</p> + +<p>"I turned them back too," explained Gud. "But in all fairness, I ought +to warn you about the lobsters. You see they go backwards naturally, and +when I reversed the order of things just now I noticed that the lobsters +went ahead two weeks—it is all a matter of relativity, you see."</p> + +<p>"No, I don't see," blubbered the girl, "for I am very stupid," and she +began to weep again.</p> + +<p>"Why are you weeping again?" demanded Gud.</p> + +<p>"Because I failed in my examination. I got everything wrong-wise and +upse-turvy."</p> + +<p>"Don't worry," said Gud, "I have changed all things, so that what you +answered in your examination is the truth and has always been the truth +and all contrary belief are false and always have been false."</p> + +<p>"Thank you so kindly," smiled the girl, "but there is just one thing +more. I can't understand the difference between an equilateral triangle +and an isosceles triangle—and I just hate all triangles."</p> + +<p>"Forget them," consoled Gud, "for I have destroyed all triangles."</p> + +<p>Just then the girl noticed in alarm that the apples which had been on +the ground were dropping up and alighting on the tree.</p> + +<p>"Be not alarmed," said Gud, "I only changed the law of gravitation as it +applies to apples."</p> + +<p>And now they saw a procession coming through the orchard headed by the +President of the Academy to proclaim the stupid girl as a virgin +prophetess who had revealed to that world many great truths that had +been hidden from the minds of the old masters. And when the old masters +saw the apples that lay about the girl dropping up, one by one, to the +tree above her, they became filled with holy zeal and abject worship and +bowed down humbly before her and cried:</p> + +<p>"Hail, hail, prophetess, for the end of the world cometh, and thou, in +thy holy wisdom, must tell us what we should do to be saved."</p> + +<p>"Oh, forget it till next week," said the girl, "and then you will see me +in my new-style bathing suit."</p> + +<p>And Gud departed from that place in great sorrow, for once again he saw +a world confounded and worshiping a fool.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXIV" id="Chapter_XXIV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXIV</span></h2> + + +<p>About a decade later, Fidu came running up to Gud. For a moment he was +too excited to speak and could only bark, but when he again found his +articulation the Underdog said: "Oh master, come quick, for there is a +poor beggar sitting over there on the steps of the almshouse and holding +out his hat for alms; but few give to him and he is weak and starving."</p> + +<p>Gud followed Fidu and came to the beggar who was poor and wretched +indeed. And Gud said to him: "I will not reveal my lack of intelligence +by dropping coins into your hat, for I know as well as you do that +indiscriminate charity does not alleviate poverty. So throw your coppers +into the gutter and put your hat on your head, while we discuss the +cause of your impecunity."</p> + +<p>The beggar discarded his few coins and placed his hat on his head.</p> + +<p>"Now," began Gud, "let us consider your situation intelligently. There +is usually some relation between cause and effect. The effect in your +case is poverty complicated by charity. I could destroy the effect by a +miracle and make you rich, but I have tried tampering with the law of +cause and effect, and I find it dangerous business. It is best to change +the cause and let the law change the effect.</p> + +<p>"Quite right you are, kind sir," agreed the beggar.</p> + +<p>"What was the cause of your poverty?" asked Gud. "Was it indolence, or +drink, or—"</p> + +<p>"No, no," interrupted the beggar, "none of those common things. My +poverty was caused by the ruin of my profession."</p> + +<p>"What was your profession?" demanded Gud.</p> + +<p>The beggar straightened up as proudly as he could and said: "I was a +novelist!"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Gud, "Go on."</p> + +<p>"And my profession has been blasted and ruined utterly."</p> + +<p>"And how did that happen?"</p> + +<p>"I do not know how it happened," replied the beggar, a baffled look +coming into his eyes; "worse yet not even the critics know—but it +happened—it happened—the impossible happened."</p> + +<p>"Come, come," called Gud, shaking him by the shoulder, "you are +babbling, speak up, what happened?"</p> + +<p>The beggar looked up at Gud, a glint of horror in his eyes, and murmured +slowly: "Someone destroyed the eternal triangle.... There can never be +any more novels, ... nor plays ... nor movies ... nor realism ... nor +romance ... nor royalties ... nor dinners at the Alhambra with +Gwendolyn ... nor.... Please sir, just a copper, I am old and lame."</p> + +<p>"Cheer up," encouraged Gud, "I feel it my duty to help you. Was this +triangle that seemed to have been the life of your business equilateral +or isosceles?"</p> + +<p>"Neither," replied the beggar, now with the bearing of a true novelist, +"it was the eternal triangle which is a plot of a certain very literary +relation of the sexes, in which three individuals form the angles."</p> + +<p>"Why just three?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"It seems that three sell best," said the novelist. "Two do not interest +the reader, and four, five or more tire him; three characters sell best, +which is why such a triangle is called eternal."</p> + +<p>"I understand that three elements make the best triangle—and one +shouldn't fool too much with mathematics. But what about these sexes?"</p> + +<p>"It makes no difference," replied the beggar, "how the sexes are +arranged, just so both sexes are represented on the triangle."</p> + +<p>"Both sexes," repeated Gud—"then you only have two sexes?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly, three characters of two sexes form the eternal triangle, any +way you arrange them; isn't that perfectly simple?"</p> + +<p>"It is simple, more simple than perfect. Now, pick up the coins you cast +into the gutter and buy yourself a pencil and a pad and start to work. +You will find eternal triangles have become as plentiful as lies, and +what is more important, perfectly moral."</p> + +<p>"You speak," replied the novelist, "with authority, and my understanding +will come, no doubt, with inspiration. I thank you sir, especially for +your hopeful words about the possibilities of fiction becoming moral. +You can not realize how the necessity of dealing with immorality wears +on the conscience of a novelist; nor how those hypocritical critics +revile us by insinuating that we write of immorality because we live it. +We write of it, sir, because the editors and the public demand it, and +for no other reason. If immorality in fiction were not profitable we +would not write at all. Again I thank you sir, and good day to you."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXV" id="Chapter_XXV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXV</span></h2> + + +<p>As Gud and the Underdog walked on their way, they passed through a dark +valley where they could hardly see in the murkiness to keep their feet +on the Impossible Curve, and so they proceeded slowly with eyes and ears +alert.</p> + +<p>Presently Fidu stopped and cocked his ear, for his sense of hearing was +more acute than his master's. When Gud refused to stop, Fidu ran on for +a time, and then he stopped again and listened, and this time Gud +stopped and listened also, whereupon he heard from afar, the sound as of +a heavy clanking chain.</p> + +<p>As they traveled on again the sound grew louder and was mingled with +mumbling and smothered curses. It was Fidu, as usual, who ran ahead and +found the object from whence came the mumblings of smothered curses.</p> + +<p>When Gud drew near he saw a poor being chained to a great rock. Gud +tapped the rock with his staff and discovered from its adamantine nature +that it was the Rock of Conservatism. But he could not identify the +being who was so securely chained, thereto.</p> + +<p>"Who are you," demanded Gud, "and why are you chained up here in this +brutal fashion?"</p> + +<p>The being only answered with more mumbled cursings.</p> + +<p>"If he cannot state his case," said Gud, "why should he expect me to +free him?"</p> + +<p>"But master, there is a smaller chain across his mouth."</p> + +<p>"So there is," observed Gud, and he reached over and severed that +smaller chain.</p> + +<p>"I thank you," said the prisoner, "but there is little more that I can +say, for I am still chained to the Rock of Conservatism."</p> + +<p>"Oh, very well," replied Gud, as he severed the great chain also. "And +now please tell me who you are and why you are bound here?"</p> + +<p>The creature arose and stretched his aching bones. "I am Free Speech," +said he, "and who are you?"</p> + +<p>And Gud replied: "I am Gud."</p> + +<p>"I never heard of you and what is your business?"</p> + +<p>"I am retired. What is your business?"</p> + +<p>"My business was talking too much until they bound me. But now that I am +again free, I intend to go on talking and saying just what I please. For +one thing I do not like that ridiculous old bath robe you wear. If you +don't care for pants, why wear anything?"</p> + +<p>"Have you always been in the business of talking too much?" inquired +Gud.</p> + +<p>"No," replied Free Speech, "I was once a school master but I got into +difficulty. I had a private school and both the Just and the Unjust sent +their children to my school. The Just believed that the world was flat +and the Unjust believed that the world was round—"</p> + +<p>"Which was it?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Keep still and let me talk. The Just wanted me to teach their children +that the world was flat and the Unjust wanted me to teach their children +that the world was round. So I organized two classes in geography and +taught the children of the Just that the world was flat and the children +of the Unjust that the world was round. The Just had me arrested, but I +escaped and went into the business of talking too much and saying what I +pleased and asking all the questions I wanted to; and while I am +grateful to you for your releasing me, all you did was your duty, and I +don't feel there is any privilege of back talk coming to you; and yet +you look like you were pretty wise, and there are one or two things that +I don't know yet. For instance, has a ghost a soul or is he a soul? +Well, I see you don't know, but maybe you can tell me whether sins are +washed away by death-bed repentance, though I really don't care, for it +is not important. But I would like to know if faith will remove +mountains. I don't believe it will for when I was a small lad I went to +live with my grandmother. There was an ugly mountain back of her house +and grandmother decided to remove it by faith and she prayed all one +evening that the mountain be moved that night. The next morning she woke +up and looked out the kitchen window and said: 'I knew that old mountain +would still be there.' Which reminds me of a fellow I knew who was a +faith healer by profession, and mighty successful, too, and went all up +and down the land healing by faith and getting paid handsomely for it. +But his wife at home was an invalid: I asked her why her husband did not +heal her and she said, 'I lack faith in him.'</p> + +<p>"Do you know why they call sleep innocent, considering the kind of +dreams people have? Or why blood is thicker than water? Or what there is +about a sphinx that makes people think it knows the answer to riddles? +Or why a greased egg won't hatch? Or whether a man in hot water is more +uncomfortable than a round peg in a square hole?"</p> + +<p>"No," replied Gud, "I do not know any of these things and I am sorry I +unbound you."</p> + +<p>"I knew you would be," cried Free Speech, "I could tell by your old gray +gown and those antiquated whiskers that you were a conservative and a +hide-bound Puritan, but I tell you right now that you can't stop me +talking by tying me up, and that it won't do you any good if you do. And +that Underdog of yours is no better than you are. The Underdog must be +educated by me, though he is usually so stupid that he chases after the +copycat instead of listening to me talk, and so I don't really care as +much what becomes of him as I pretend I do—and did you ever hear the +story about—"</p> + +<p>But Gud clapped his hand over the mouth of Free Speech and called: +"Quick, Fidu, fetch me the chain."</p> + +<p>As Fidu and Gud marched on their way it was to the sound of muttering +and mumbled curses and the clanking of a heavy chain.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXVI" id="Chapter_XXVI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXVI</span></h2> + + +<p>"Master," remarked Fidu, "I have long suspected that in following this +Impossible Curve we are not getting anywhere."</p> + +<p>"What difference does it make?" replied Gud, "we are only walking for +recreation."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, I know all that, but still, I do not like to walk in a circle, +because it makes me dizzy."</p> + +<p>"But we can't be walking in a circle," argued Gud, "because a circle is +quite probable and this curve is impossible."</p> + +<p>"That may also be true, Master, but nevertheless we just passed that +world again where you made a virgin prophetess out of a stupid girl, and +I know that building ahead of us is the almshouse on the steps of which +we found the poor old beggar whom you made so happy."</p> + +<p>Gud looked ahead. "Yes, Fidu," he agreed, "you are right; and perhaps we +shall meet him again, for he will not be a beggar now but a rich and +prosperous novelist."</p> + +<p>But alas! when they came up to the almshouse they found the same old +beggar looking more disreputable than before.</p> + +<p>Gud reached over and shook him, but he did not stir nor answer. Gud +turned quickly away and called Fidu, and they passed on.</p> + +<p>"Why did he not speak?" asked Fidu.</p> + +<p>"Because," answered Gud, "the poor old fellow was dead, apparently of +starvation."</p> + +<p>"And you thought that he would be rich and prosperous."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, so I did. I gave him the chance of his life, too, by making +triangles with three sexes and therefore perfectly moral—it just goes +to show how useless it is to attempt to salvage these mendicants."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXVII" id="Chapter_XXVII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXVII</span></h2> + + +<p>As Gud was knocking about among the stars he saw yet another world +spinning idly on its axis as it floated aimlessly in the nebulous ether. +Prompted by curiosity he drew nearer and observed that the ether was +full of ghosts. Most of them seemed to be observing the conduct of the +beings in the material world below, and Gud rightly judged them to be +demised of that reality and amusing themselves by watching the doings of +their descendants.</p> + +<p>But there was one ghost of an old woman that seemed sore troubled and +full of yearning for the beings of the world below, as if she would +communicate to them some message and could find not the means of +communication. Filled with compassion, Gud approached the ghost of the +old woman and asked if he might be of service to her. But she merely +gazed up at him out of troubled eyes and did not speak. Again Gud +addressed her and again she answered not; and Gud concluded that she was +a very dumb ghost.</p> + +<p>Thereupon Gud imagined a powerful medicine and poured it out in a +make-believe goblet and gave to the dumb ghost to drink thereof. She +accepted it gratefully and drank copiously; and immediately her mouth +opened so that she spake volubly.</p> + +<p>When she had done with her thanks for the miracle, Gud asked her why she +was troubled and why she looked upon the world below with such distress.</p> + +<p>"It is quite a long story," she began, as she seated herself upon the +Rock of Ages.</p> + +<p>This being the only rock in the neighborhood, Gud was obliged to create +another rock so that he could be seated also, for the story promised +well.</p> + +<p>When Gud was comfortably seated, the old ghost of the old woman resumed: +"I was the first lady of the land, that you see below us, and the mother +of the first family on that poor deluded world. I had a very dear +husband who was the father of my children—of that there was no doubt, +for he was never jealous. But I was not his first wife, for he had been +married before to a most loquacious creature who had talked herself into +hysterics and died.</p> + +<p>"My husband loved me greatly and in order to escape the sound of women's +voices, he brought me to this world which you now see so full of our +descendants.</p> + +<p>"Then it was only inhabited by savage beasts and we were the first +people who trod its wild shores. We settled down in a beautiful cave and +made a happy home there and numerous children came to bless our union.</p> + +<p>"My husband loved these children and made many toys to amuse them, for +he was clever with his jack-knife. One day he came home with a great +chunk of dry, soft wood and began to whittle on it, while all the +children stood about and wondered what he was making.</p> + +<p>"Day by day they watched him as he shaped and carved the wood until he +had made a most comical and grotesque object with grinning teeth, and +eyes which he blackened with charcoal. The children were afraid of this +ugly, carved wooden creature, and yet they loved it because their father +had made it for them. So when it was all finished, he perched it up on +the mantle over the horsehair sofa and told the children not to touch +it.</p> + +<p>"When they asked him what it was he said that it was Bahgung; and he +told them that while they slept Bahgung stole out of the cave and went +on long expeditions and had great adventures. The children loved these +tales of the doings of Bahgung, and so my husband made many tales of +Bahgung and his adventures.</p> + +<p>"I wanted to warn him that the children could not discriminate between +fact and fiction and might believe these tales, but I was dumb and could +say nothing.</p> + +<p>"When my dear husband saw the worry in my eyes he guessed the cause and +said: 'When they get older, I will explain to them that these are only +fairy tales and they will forget them.'</p> + +<p>"But he did not explain, and went on making up more and yet more tales +of the might and prowess of the wooden carved Bahgung. If the children +were naughty, he told them that Bahgung would punish them, and when they +were good he told them that Bahgung would award them.</p> + +<p>"One day when I came quietly into the cave I saw my little girl kneeling +before Bahgung, and she was talking to him and beseeching him to cause +her brother give back a pretty shell which he had taken from her. I was +worried at all this, but being dumb I could say nothing.</p> + +<p>"It was a few days later that my dear husband was eaten by a crocodile +while he was fishing. There being no remains we had a modest private +funeral, none but the family being present; and I took up as best I +could the duties of providing for my children.</p> + +<p>"After their father's death the children talked still more to Bahgung +and told him all their troubles. They seemed to love the idol and yet to +fear him, and to believe he was alive though they could see him before +them as only a carved wooden thing.</p> + +<p>"So much they worshiped Bahgung that I feared to destroy him, and I +therefore allowed the wooden idol to stand on the mantle over the old +horsehair sofa that we had brought with us from another world.</p> + +<p>"I still supposed that when the children grew up they would forget this +miserable idol of carven wood. But alas! they did not. I did not dare +destroy the idol, for the children adored it more than they did me who +had brought them into the world of my own flesh and blood. I wanted also +to explain to them that Bahgung was only a wooden idol and as dead and +worthless as any rotten stick, but being dumb I could say nothing.</p> + +<p>"When my children left home, they would come back on pilgrimages, and to +me it seemed that they came back more to worship Bahgung than to see +their old mother. So in my desire to see my children the more I +permitted Bahgung to stand on the mantle above the horsehair sofa in the +cave.</p> + +<p>"One day my oldest son and oldest daughter came at the same time to +visit me and to worship Bahgung. It was then that my son proposed that +he take Bahgung to his own cave. Being dumb I could say nothing, but my +daughter objected.</p> + +<p>"'Very well,' said my son, 'leave the old thing here. I will make a +better one of my own.'</p> + +<p>"The next time I visited my son, I found that he, too, had made a +creature, which he modeled out of clay, even more cleverly than his +father had carved. And this creature was sitting on a little pedestal in +a small cave of its own and my son was teaching my grandchildren to +bring it offerings and make worship and prayers to it—all of which I +thought most silly.</p> + +<p>"Finally I died and my numerous descendants gave me a grand funeral and +paraded Bahgung at the head of the procession and all their lesser idols +after him. But being dumb and dead also, I could say nothing.</p> + +<p>"So that was how it all started, the idol worship, in that world you see +below us, and for thousands on thousands of generations those poor +deluded descendants of mine made and worshiped idols of wood and clay +and stone and metal, while I hovered over them, knowing all the while +how the delusion started in my own dear husband's innocent desire to +amuse our children with a home-made toy."</p> + +<p>"That is a very interesting account of the origin of idol worship," +commented Gud, "I never heard so plausible a theory."</p> + +<p>"Theory!" repeated the old ghost, "but it isn't theory, I would have you +know. It is plain fact—did I not see the whole beginning of this folly +with my own eyes, and did I not heft that old carcass of rotten wood +with my own hands?"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps," admitted Gud, "still—" and he peered searchingly through the +haze at the world below—"still, I do not see them worshiping idols down +there now? The only idols I can see are in the museums along with the +stuffed mermaids and two-headed serpents."</p> + +<p>"Of course," replied the old ghost, "they have long since grown too +sophisticated to worship material idols of wood and stone, but they have +idols just the same, which they call 'gods not made with hands'."</p> + +<p>Gud felt a little uncomfortable at this remark, but before he could +think of anything to say the ghost of the first woman of that land which +lay below them, continued. "I will tell you how that came about, too, +for I was hovering near at the time. There was a lazy philosopher. He +had no idol except a worm-eaten old wooden one which some one had given +him, and which he kept in a hovel. One day the shanty caught fire from a +defective flue and his idol was burned and there was no insurance. The +philosopher was too lazy to make another and too poor to buy one, for +the idol makers by that time were charging high prices. So the lazy fool +sat out on a stump and dreamed how to get another idol without working +to pay for it.</p> + +<p>"His thoughts, as I read them at that time, ran something like this: 'An +idol is a material creature of wood or stone or metal, which is used by +the worshiper as a material nucleus to concentrate the attention and +stimulate the imagination. The imagination constructs an immaterial +being or god to dwell within the material idol. As this imagined god is +the creature that answers supplications and heaps curses on one's +enemies, therefore the benefits to the worshiper must come from the use +of his own imagination. Now it would be more difficult to imagine a god +without having the idol to start from, hence if one could achieve it he +would use his imagination more and thereby get a better god.'</p> + +<p>"So the philosopher set his imagination to work and imagined himself a +god without going to the expense of buying an idol. He was so well +pleased with his wholly imagined god that he went out and proclaimed to +others, and soon he had a host of lazy chaps who agreed to pay him for +the privilege of worshiping his imagined god and thus saving the cost of +idols.</p> + +<p>"The scheme was so lucrative that other philosophers set up other +psychic idols, and that is what they have down there now. If you doubt +me, look over there in the left corner of the nearer hemisphere and you +can see the smoke of a war. Those people are fighting, trying to make +each other accept their particular psychic idols."</p> + +<p>Gud looked and saw the war, that it was great and that there was much +smoke; and even a faint stench was wafted up to him of the flesh of +unbelievers being burned by the faithful.</p> + +<p>Gud looked also toward another quarter and saw other smoke. "And what is +that war?" he asked, pointing it out.</p> + +<p>"That," replied the old ghost, "is a war between two groups who both +want to worship the same psychic idol, but one group wishes to worship +it in silence and meditation and the other wishes to worship it with +drums and cymbals."</p> + +<p>Gud sniffed the ether from that direction and found that it also smelled +of burning flesh. He did not like the odor and he arose as if to go +toward the unhappy world.</p> + +<p>"Where are you going?" asked the old ghost.</p> + +<p>"I was just wondering, whether, if those unhappy people had a real god +would they not quit all this war and devote their time to harmonious +worship?"</p> + +<p>"Don't be a fool," laughed the old ghost, "if you go down there as a +stranger preaching some new god they will pour oil on you and set you up +to light the town for a night."</p> + +<p>Gud sighed and sat down on the stone again. "I suppose they would," he +admitted, "and I suppose now that I have given you back your power of +communication, you will be wanting to go down there and find a good +medium and preach atheism through spirit messages, since you know what a +fraud all their gods are."</p> + +<p>"I shall do nothing of the sort," declared the old ghost. "Of course, if +I could have had a great doctor like you to have restored my speech +while I was yet alive, then I could have explained to my children just +how it all started, and this folly would have never been. But it is too +late now."</p> + +<p>"What are you going to do?" asked Gud, for he saw that the old ghost had +arisen with a very determined look on her face as if she surely meant to +do something.</p> + +<p>"I am going down there," she asserted; "but I shall not bother with any +silly mediums. I am going to materialize as a woman of great wealth and +beauty, and I am going to captivate and hire the best sculptors and +architects in the land, and under my direction they will build an +enormous fine temple and set up a great idol, the splendor of which that +miserable world has never seen—"</p> + +<p>"Just what kind of an idol?" interrupted Gud.</p> + +<p>"An image of Bahgung, of course," cried the old ghost. "What else would +you suppose? Wasn't he the first of all their idols, and the best of all +them?"</p> + +<p>"But—" said the astonished Gud, "I thought that you did not believe in +that idol and disliked to see your children worship him."</p> + +<p>"So I did, in a way, because it was only a crude, wooden carving that my +silly husband had made with his jack-knife—but Bahgung was a great god +for all of that. Why, didn't he heal my youngest child of that terrible +fever when I prayed to him that fearful night? And didn't he tear the +great stone from the cliff that rolled down and killed the tiger? And +didn't he—"</p> + +<p>But Gud heard no more, for he was racing madly through the ether and +pinching himself to see if he were real.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXVIII" id="Chapter_XXVIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXVIII</span></h2> + + +<p>Having come a long way and being footsore and weary Gud felt that it was +time to retire. But he possessed no sleeping garments. So he caused a +deep sleep to fall upon the Underdog and then Gud lay down and slept in +his waking garments.</p> + +<p>But the Underdog dreamed a dream and when Gud heard what the Underdog +was dreaming, he arose and drew his long knife and cut off the +Underdog's ear so that the beast could not hear what he was +dreaming—for it was the kind of dream that Underdogs should never hear, +and, if it is not deleted by the censor, this is what it was:</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXIX" id="Chapter_XXIX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXIX</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Thirteen respectable spinsters<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of the respectable town of Murch,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Gave a very respectable party<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For their eminent orthodox church.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">On a green and grassy pasture<br /></span> +<span class="i2">By the side of the River Runch<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They sat with the Reverend Quondam<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And partook of a dainty lunch.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">None could have said they were pretty,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Not even those in the "know,"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet no one denied in the city<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That their names were as white as the snow.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And just at the moment of eating<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The breast of a tender chicken,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Reverend Quondam observed<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The grey skies overhead thicken.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Within a neighboring farmhouse<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He betook his respectable form,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Accompanied by all of the ladies<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In deadly fear of the storm.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then lightning came and the thunder<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Like the crashing of seventeen earths,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And in that respectable party<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Occurred three premature births.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXX" id="Chapter_XXX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXX</span></h2> + + +<p>The next morning when the Underdog awoke he had an imagination that a +fly had alighted on the ear which Gud had cut off. The Underdog grieved +because he could not flop the ear which he no longer possessed and so +dislodge the fly that he imagined had alighted thereon.</p> + +<p>This made bad blood at the breakfast table so that the Underdog growled +ungratefully over the bone of contention which Gud threw him.</p> + +<p>All that day they walked with their eyes averted and said nothing until +they came to the place where the birds of faith roosted on the waves of +the wireless; and then they both rejoiced, for here was good game, +easily ensnared because it had faith and trust.</p> + +<p>So Gud spoke comradely to the Underdog and the Underdog wagged +cordially. Gud built a snare out of weeping willow twigs, and the +Underdog ran round the birds and barked the birches. Presently an old +bird that was steadfast in the faith walked into the snare and Gud +reached out his hand and took the bird, and it perched upon his shoulder +and told him why love grows cold. This made Gud very happy, for he had +always wanted to know.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXI" id="Chapter_XXXI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXI</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The mists that whirl in greater mists<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Around the cliffs of space<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Leave little drops of glistening water<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon His wrinkled face.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Have you heard Him, as walking through<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The valleys of the night<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He paces ever back and forth,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Silent, old and white?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Upon some jagged piece of dust<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As high as night is high<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He watches all the tiny worlds<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Go spinning down the sky.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Around Him are the burning stars<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That toss like little ships<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And winds blow out of dim unknowns<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Across His very lips.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Have you heard Him amid the silence,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Vast as a silken cloud,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Lifting His arms with jewelled pendants,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Cloaked in a heavy shroud?<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXII" id="Chapter_XXXII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXII</span></h2> + + +<p>As Gud and Fidu journeyed on they came to a rippling rivulet and saw two +women who were bathing in the laughing water. Gud was not astonished at +what he saw because Gud sees all things, and familiarity breeds +contempt. Neither were the women alarmed, because they were busy talking +and did not see Gud.</p> + +<p>"I am sick of love," one woman said.</p> + +<p>Whereupon the other woman said: "My husband understands me."</p> + +<p>Just then the Underdog came up panting and athirst and started to lap of +the laughing waters of the rippling rivulet. Gud thrust his hand out and +jerked the poor beast away. Alas, too late! Fidu had drunk of the +bewitched water and when the moon changed its name and a meteor fell +into a fit of despondency; the Underdog went mad and frothed at the +mouth and bit the hand that fed him, which was the right hand of Gud.</p> + +<p>Gud made a tourniquet out of a miser's heart-strings, so that the +infection did not pass above the elbow; and he applied leeches to the +wound and also an ointment of soothing words so that the pain abated. +But the poison of falsehood was so potent that Gud found his right hand +had become a deceitful hand and could not write the truth. So Gud +exchanged his right hand for his left hand, which was very easy to do +since he was in the Nth dimension and outside the limitations of +three-dimensional space.</p> + +<p>When Fidu, the Underdog, went mad he lost his reason. Gud did not note +this at the time because of his own affliction. But after his wound had +healed so that it ceased to hurt anything but his conscience, Gud +observed, as they walked along, that Fidu had lost his reason. The poor +dog walking along there without his reason looked so unreasonable that +Gud's heart was touched with compassion and he said: "Fidu, it grieves +me to see you without a reason. Here, take mine."</p> + +<p>Fidu looked up gratefully out of his sad, mad eyes as Gud handed him his +reason. Glad to have a reason again Fidu seized it in his mouth and ran +off, frisking and twisting and wanting to bark, which he could not do +because he was carrying Gud's reason in his mouth. So he ran ahead and +came to a place where the curve crossed over a deep, dark stream. +Glancing down into the mirror-like surface of the water, the Underdog +saw his reflection. He did not think the reflection was another dog with +another reason in his mouth—for Fidu had his reason in his mouth and +was still mad in his eyes. When he saw his reflection in the water, he +thought it was a porcupine or a civet cat or some other unapproachable +creature, and so he barked; and in doing so he let Gud's reason fall +into the water. Down, down sank the reason of Gud into the dark, deep +water, for it was a very weighty reason.</p> + +<p>Fidu did not attempt to dive after it, but the poor, mad dog just stood +there and let it sink out of sight into the deep dark water.</p> + +<p>When Gud came up he, too, was without his reason and he thought Fidu, +standing forlornly on the bridge, was an evil genius. When the mad dog +ran on into the gloomy wilderness that was beyond the stream, the mad +Gud followed after him and became lost in the wildness of the +wilderness.</p> + +<p>As Gud wandered on amid the gloomy shadows, the void in his mind, where +his reason had been, became filled with many strange illusions, and he +discovered that he could now believe many things that he had not +previously been able to believe because they had been unreasonable. +Faith in things unseen grew within him. The fourth dimension and the +squared circle no longer annoyed him. He found that chimeras were very +real and also wyverns, and that metaphysical hypotheses were as solid +substance and as proven facts.</p> + +<p>Gud now understood for the first time in his life that he was Gud and at +the same time he was a holy ghost, and that he was also his own father. +This last bit of unreasonable comprehension especially relieved Gud. He +was sorry he had not accepted it sooner, for because of it he had never +really written his autobiography. When he had started to write, he began +by describing his father as being in existence before his own birth, and +yet Gud had realized that such could not be, as he and his father were +one and the same being. The situation had confused Gud's reason, but now +with his reason gone it was all very clear.</p> + +<p>There were also many other things which Gud had been unable to accept +with his reason, but which now, with no appeal to reason, he gladly +embraced, and so reveled joyously in his growing faith. The +transfiguration of souls particularly entranced him, and he spent many +happy hours, as he walked along amid the gloomy shadows of the wildness +of the wilderness, in picking out favorite animals to have been and to +be. He rather favored having been a quacking ornithorhynchus and going +to be a ring-straked giraffe; and yet the claims of the groundhog, which +sleeps half its life away, also appealed to Gud, because he had a long +time to live. Having considered these and many others, Gud decided to +have been all the unattractive animals in the past and to be all the +nice ones in the future. After all, he had plenty of past and future and +there was no occasion for abbreviating the list.</p> + +<p>With his reason gone Gud also accepted polytheism as being quite +compatible with monotheism. He no longer found it objectionable to be +the only god and yet have a lot of assistant gods, for he saw that this +would relieve him of a great deal of labor.</p> + +<p>And thus it came about that through the loss of his reason many +irrational things which he had previously disputed and disbelieved were +now lucid and believable. So gratified was Gud as he realized the +magnitude of his growing faith that he gave a great shout of joy.</p> + +<p>The shout echoed through the wildness of the wilderness, and the echo +came back to Gud; and Gud thought it was a lion's roar.</p> + +<p>The mad Underdog also heard Gud's shout and the echo of Gud's shout, and +he thought the shout was the blast of a war trumpet, and that the echo +was the noise of the celebration of peace.</p> + +<p>But Gud did not know what Fidu thought, for Gud was mad. If Gud could +only have looked sanely into Fidu's insane eyes, a deal of trouble might +have been avoided. But he could not; and Gud thought the echo of his +shout was the roar of a mighty, wicked lion, and he thought Fidu thought +so, too. And maybe he did.</p> + +<p>Then the lion's roar roared again. But Gud was not afraid, for he had +no reason to be afraid. Filled with unreasonable faith and valor, Gud +seized his staff and charged into the jungle after the lion's roar. And +Fidu, the Underdog, followed after Gud, for why shouldn't a mad dog +follow a mad master?</p> + +<p>The lion's roar roared yet again. The hair on the mad Underdog's back +bristled. The dark, dank jungle trembled with the lion's roar. The +monkeys in the tree tops chattered with excitement, for it looked to +them as if there was going to be a fight.</p> + +<p>Gud charged through the underbrush brandishing his staff and came face +to face with the lion's roar. And Gud struck viciously and valorously at +the lion's roar. But it was only the illusion of a lion's roar and Gud's +staff went through the incorporeal stuff like a whip lash through mercy.</p> + +<p>Then the lion's roar roared once again, and this time so mightily that +Gud died of fright.</p> + +<p>When the Underdog came upon the scene, the roar, ashamed of its +unreality, had slunk off into the wilderness, and all was quiet in the +gloom and the shadow of death.</p> + +<p>Fidu sniffed pathetically at his dead master, and then, filled with +remorse, he whined piteously, for now that his master was dead the poor +mad dog regretted that he had lost Gud's reason.</p> + +<p>For a long time Fidu sat in silent vigil by his dead master's side, +grieving as hard as a poor mad dog could. But at last he arose and +licked the right hand of Gud, which he had bitten in his madness, and +gazed again into his dead master's face.</p> + +<p>Then, mad though he was, Fidu turned and trotted with unerring canine +instinct back to the bridge across the stream. Reaching the bridge he +faltered not but dove off bravely into the deep, dark water and +retrieved Gud's reason.</p> + +<p>All wet and cold, he came back to his poor master's side and laid Gud's +reason down beside Gud's head and then barked loudly.</p> + +<p>But Gud did not hear the bark of the Underdog, for Gud was dead. So it +must be that the hero of this tale, in what shall come hereafter, is +only the Ghost of Gud.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXIII" id="Chapter_XXXIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXIII</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The mists that whirl in greater mists<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Around the cliffs of space<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Leave little drops of water<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon his wrinkled face.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Have you heard Him, as walking through<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The valleys of the night<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He paces ever back and forth,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Silent, old and white?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Upon some jagged piece of dust<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As high as night is high,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He watches all the tiny worlds<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Go spinning down the sky.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Around Him are the burning stars<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That toss like little ships,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The winds blow out of dim unknowns<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Across his very lips.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Have you seen Him amid the silence,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Vast as a silken cloud,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Lifting His arms with jeweled pendants<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Cloaked in a heavy shroud?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When sweeping through the open night<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Great pinions touch the face;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Vast wings that fold the face of God<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Against the breast of space;<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We hear the hills that all one's life<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Were silent as the sun,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Break forth in songs that waited there<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Since life had first begun.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We reach out for the fluttering hand<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And finding it is gone,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We know the stars that shake the sky<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Are only old and wan.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We stand and listen and we know<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That rising through the night<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Pass all the hosts of all the years<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Death ever hides from sight.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">So much and yet so little then<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With thrust that follows thrust....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The paltry things of paltry life<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Shrink swiftly into dust.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We lift our hungry hands to Heaven<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For pity and in pain<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The only answer ever given<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is that fancy and faith remain.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Wars we wage that One might rule....<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Proud and jealous is He.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With fire and sword we crush the fool<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Who does not bend the knee.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Temple and palace, hovel and hut,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Dreamer and doer of deeds,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At least one door is never shut,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">God answers all our needs.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He walks the crest of some far hill<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Against the setting sun,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The presence of a mighty will<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Whose journey is never done.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Into the night and over the dawn<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All the things that are<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Through empty voids go plunging on....<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Planet and sun and star.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Yet He we worship died years ago<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Like some poor human clod,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And that which wanders to and fro<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is only the ghost of God!<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXIV" id="Chapter_XXXIV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXIV</span></h2> + + +<p>"A bear went over the mountain," sang the child (Gud stopped to listen, +for the child had had its voice cultivated prenatally) "to see what he +could see. A row of hanging skeletons, a swinging in the wind, was all +the bear could see in front, and he could not see behind."</p> + +<p>"See here," interrupted Gud, "you have the song mixed—what the bear saw +was the other side of the mountain."</p> + +<p>"Awh, I know," replied the child, "that was what the preteristic old +bear saw, but I sing of the futuristic young bear."</p> + +<p>Gud shook his head sadly. It made him feel archaic to come thus face to +face with the younger generation in art and literature. Somehow he felt +that there was something amiss in this new universe that seemed to have +arisen Phoenixlike out of the ashes of nothing.</p> + +<p>Gud turned from the child with the prenatally cultivated mind and went +on his way sorrowfully. And as he walked he hummed softly to +himself—"The old-time creation, the old-time creation, It was good for +Unph and Godumph ... and it's good enough for me...."</p> + +<p>"Come, come," monologued Gud—"I must not get retrospective—I destroyed +it all—ashes to ashes and dust to dust."</p> + +<p>As Gud trudged on, trying to shake this mood of a sentimental +retrospection from him, he found the light waning and the ether about +him turning grey and grim and gruesome.</p> + +<p>Then like an avalanche of dead ravens, sable darkness came tumbling down +upon him. But there were whitish outlines in the darkness, moving and +swaying, and there were rattlings and clanking sounds, and eery +whistlings.</p> + +<p>Rachitic with fear Gud's knees bent beneath him and he sank down in the +blackness and shuddered in his soul.</p> + +<p>Before him, like a great grey army marching, the skeletons of all the +mortal dead, of all the worlds and all the ages that had ever been, were +filing by.</p> + +<p>In measured time they marched, their gaunt legbones swinging in great +sweeping strides, their backbones bending and creaking as they marched; +while the winds between the worlds whipped through empty eyes and hollow +skulls and made eery whistling sounds—and all the dry bones rattled.</p> + +<p>So the material dead, in the empty mockery of marching, passed by Gud in +vain review.</p> + +<p>And Gud sat shuddering and alone and watched them—for eons and epochs, +and epochs piled on eons of unmarked time.</p> + +<p>After all the countless and infinitely innumerable swinging, swaying, +clanking, dry-boned skeletons had marched by Gud, they started around +again.</p> + +<p>Gud knew that they were going around a second time, because he saw one +pass, bearing before his bleached and grinning fact the glow of a good +cigar.</p> + +<p>There could be no mistake about it, for these were the bones of the only +smoker who had ever believed that tobacco was as injurious as the +non-smokers said it was!</p> + +<p>Thus made aware that the show was being repeated on him, Gud realized +that even the most gruesome and ghoulish sights and sounds became +commonplace with repetition; and he became bored, and his fear died +within him. So he arose and walked right through the marching mass of +swinging, swaying, rattling, whistling, dry-boned skeletons, and out +into the sunlight of a new day where he found Fidu digging up a freshly +planted lawn in search of a bone he had buried on a golf course +countless eons before.</p> + +<p>"Come, come," said Gud, "let the dead bones stay buried—the future of +eternal life is long enough without digging up the past."</p> + +<p>Having dissuaded Fidu from his search for provender Gud offered him a +portion of his own lunch.</p> + +<p>"Do you remember," remarked Gud to the Underdog, as they sat munching +their sandwiches, "the time I was on that little world back there—"</p> + +<p>"Which one?" asked Fidu.</p> + +<p>"The one I am talking about, silly—I ran into an earthquake. It shook +things up rather badly and toppled over about half the houses, killing +and maiming millions of mortals."</p> + +<p>"What caused it?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, probably it was accidental—but that isn't important. +What interested me was what those poor mortals thought caused it. As I +was strolling through a town watching the relief committee at work, I +happened to see people going into a steep roofed building, which being +well constructed, had not fallen down. I joined the crowd and went in. +One of their kind was standing on a box at the far end of the building +and talking. I sat down with the others and listened to him.</p> + +<p>"He was talking about the 'divine visitation.' For a moment I became +self-conscious, thinking my incognito had been discovered. But I soon +realized that he referred to the earthquake.</p> + +<p>"His theory was interesting. He thought their silly little world had +been shaken up by their divinity. I knew that he was mistaken, for I +knew the chap who had that world in charge; he is a weak little god who +could not shake up a good-sized island."</p> + +<p>"For what reason did the mortals think your friend shook them up?" asked +Fidu.</p> + +<p>"The one who was talking had two theories about it. You see they had two +kinds of folks in that world—one bunch was called 'sinners' and one was +called 'righteous.' Plenty of both bunches were killed by the quake. But +it seemed that the fellow who was talking, wanted the sinners killed and +he was praising my friend for doing it. But his difficulty was in +explaining the death of the righteous, whom I gathered were friends of +his that had been in the habit of paying him to talk to them. There were +a good many empty stalls in the room with black cloths on them, and some +of the women in the crowd were weeping.</p> + +<p>"Well, after the talker got through explaining that their deity had +caused the earthquake for the purpose of killing the sinners, he had to +admit that it also got a few of the righteous. He said that this was due +to the 'mysterious working of the divine purpose' or some such vagary."</p> + +<p>"Well, what of it?" asked Fidu.</p> + +<p>"Nothing in particular, only it struck me as funny."</p> + +<p>"Is that all?"</p> + +<p>"About," said Gud—"but as I left that world, I took hold of its axis +and gave it another shake."</p> + +<p>"Did you know," said Fidu, "that the Copycat had been visiting?"</p> + +<p>"What makes you think so?"</p> + +<p>"Because there are five little copy kittens."</p> + +<p>After which they journeyed on until they came to a wall. In this wall +were two doors. Before the wall stood a great multitude and they stared +at the two doors with fixed glassy eyes.</p> + +<p>Gud turned and spoke to the multitude and said: "Why stare ye at the +doors in the wall and durst not enter?"</p> + +<p>"Alas, Great Gud," cried the multitude, as with one voice, "we wish not +to enter the doors, but would only know which door the man entered."</p> + +<p>"That I will find out for you," said Gud, and he stepped up and examined +the knobs of the doors. Then he turned and bowed to the multitude, and +turned yet again, and seizing the knob of one of the doors he swung it +boldly open.</p> + +<p>And behold, there stood a man-eating tiger, contentedly licking his +chops, his belly with fat lover lined.</p> + +<p>And Gud beckoned to the tiger which came out through the door and faced +the multitude, and on the tiger's face there was a faint fragrance of a +smile.</p> + +<p>And the tiger bowed to the multitude, and Gud also bowed with the tiger.</p> + +<p>And from the eyes of the multitude the glassy stare faded, and they +turned and walked away, and some spoke exultant words to the others.</p> + +<p>"But," asked Fidu of Gud, as they again went on their journey, "how did +you know which door to open—did you smell the blood?"</p> + +<p>"No, you hundopomorphic canine fool, I looked for finger prints on the +knobs of the doors."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXV" id="Chapter_XXXV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXV</span></h2> + + +<p>Gud, sauntering through the Market of Knowledge, came to a stall of a +prophet and passed the time of day with him.</p> + +<p>"Business is terrible," lamented the prophet.</p> + +<p>"What is the trouble?" asked Gud sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"Unfair competition," replied the prophet. "Those up-start scientists +across the way have berated my goods and stolen my customers until I +have none left save a few old ladies. Indeed, I fear me we shall never +again see those good old days when even young men believed there was +magic in the stars."</p> + +<p>"But," said Gud, as he glanced about, "your goods look shelf-worn."</p> + +<p>"Shelf-worn you say? And why not? I have rare antiques here. See, here +is the Golden Fleece and there is the Philosopher's Stone. That box in +the corner is the Hope Chest of Venus. And there in the window is the +Fountain of Youth. That puzzle beside it is the Riddle of the Universe. +And this vial here contains the Evil Eye preserved in spirits of mocking +wine."</p> + +<p>"All very fine antiques," agreed Gud, "but in this age a merchant must +keep up-to-date; you need new goods on your shelves."</p> + +<p>"And new goods, I have had in time and again," declared the prophet. +"But they have stolen them from me. Did I not once make good money +auguring from the entrails of animals, till these scientists found that +they were useful for sausage casings? And when the stars paled in +popularity because the scientists turned their spy-tubes upon them, did +I not sit over a wall of gas and make myself drunk with its stinking +fumes, while my wife sold my insane babblings for wisdom, until those +scientists stole the gas and ran it through pipes to the houses to make +fuel for pots to boil? And did not I read the cracks in fools' palms, +until the scientists made fingerprints to identify criminals, and then +the people durst not give me their hands to read lest I be a spy in the +employ of the state searching out their crimes? And did I not call +messages out of the air from distant lands, until the scientists trained +the lightning to bring messages and harnessed it to vehicles so that the +people could go and see for themselves that the lightning had not lied?"</p> + +<p>"Did you ever try interpreting dreams?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Bah!" said the prophet. "That was the idea with which I began business +when this world was young. But they have spoiled that also and taught +the people that dreams were merely neurotic emanations of a bad bellyful +of beef and beans. I tell you, my friend, they have left me nothing, +nothing of mystery and magic to sell the people; and here I am, a +prophet, wise in all the ways of prophecy, and sitting in an empty shop +full of musty bones!"</p> + +<p>Taking leave of this disgruntled prophet, Gud strolled through the +Market of Knowledge to see for himself how it was that these scientists +had ruined the honorable business of prophecy. And Gud saw many wonders +and much business going on. In one stall he saw a chemist with tubes and +retorts brewing pretty smells to scent ill-favored women. In another he +saw a doctor with a microscope studying the germs of disease and making +poisons to kill them. And in another was a chemist analyzing foods to +see how much fatness or leanness they contained, so that he could sell +recipes that would make the waists of his customers of a girth suited to +the length of their lovers' arms.</p> + +<p>And in all the shops of the scientists, Gud discovered that young men +were busy analyzing things and dissecting and dismembering them and +finding out of what they were made, so that they could prepare some +recipe or medicine or knowledge and sell it and get gain. And Gud +wondered what was left that his old friend, the prophet, could dissect +and analyze and sell as a scientific product and so get gain.</p> + +<p>As Gud pondered this he chanced to stroll into the shop of a +psychologist whose secretary had the nose bleed so that she fainted, and +Gud asked: "What is the matter with her?"</p> + +<p>"She is unconscious," replied the psychologist, "her mind has lost its +awareness."</p> + +<p>"Is her mind dead?"</p> + +<p>"No, no," retorted the psychologist.</p> + +<p>"Then why does she not talk?"</p> + +<p>"Because her mind is unconscious and she cannot use it to talk with."</p> + +<p>"But, what is she doing with it?"</p> + +<p>"Dreaming, most likely," replied the psychologist.</p> + +<p>"Why do you not dissect her unconscious mind and see of what her dreams +are made?"</p> + +<p>"Get out!" cried the psychologist, "I am a married man and I do not want +to know of what her dreams are made."</p> + +<p>When Gud left the shop of the psychologist it was growing dark in the +Market of Knowledge. So he waited until the lights in the houses were +being extinguished and the people were falling asleep.</p> + +<p>The next morning when Gud entered the shop of his old friend, the +prophet, he carried a sack, the contents of which he dumped on the +table.</p> + +<p>"What are these things?" demanded the prophet.</p> + +<p>"They are unconscious minds," said Gud, "and they are full of dreams. I +want you to dissect them and analyze them and see how the dreams are +made and what are the elements of them. Thus you shall make a science of +dreams to sell to the people and get gain."</p> + +<p>So saying, Gud left the shop and walked up the side of a grassy mountain +where all the birds were singing and all the ewes were lambing and the +little toadstools were pushing up great rocks with the power of the life +that was in them. And Gud lay down upon the new-grown grass and fell +asleep, and slept till winter came. When the snow began to fall upon the +feet of Gud, he dreamed a dream.</p> + +<p>Upon awakening, Gud wondered what the meaning of the dream might be; and +thus he recalled the Market of Knowledge, and went straightway to the +shop of the prophet to have his dream interpreted. As he approached the +shop he saw a line of people on the sidewalk, and took his place in the +line. As the line moved through the door each one handed the doorkeeper +a sum of money. But Gud said he was a friend of the prophet and was +permitted to enter so that he could hear the dreams being interpreted.</p> + +<p>A man said: "I dreamed that I once misspelled a word by omitting the +letter 'M.'</p> + +<p>"That means," answered the prophet, "that you once knew a girl whose +name began with 'M.' Probably her name was Mary."</p> + +<p>A young woman said: "I dreamed I was an old maid and yet I was going to +hell."</p> + +<p>"That means," said the prophet, "that virtue is its own reward."</p> + +<p>"I dreamed," said a man, "that I was dead and in my grave, and that I +could hear the clods dropping on my coffin."</p> + +<p>"That means," interpreted the prophet, "that you are a pessimist, and +that you have that same infernal tin roofing on your house that I have +on mine—I heard it raining last night myself."</p> + +<p>"I dreamed," a young girl related, "that I was being run over by a steam +roller, and I am anxious to have the dream interpreted because I am sure +it is very significant."</p> + +<p>"No, you are mistaken," explained the prophet. "And you ought not to be +reading those uncensored books on psychoanalysis, for they are very +suggestive. What your dream really means is that you have something +between your teeth and need a toothpick. The analysis is simple. A +toothpick was formerly a goose quill—a quill is part of a +feather—feathers help birds to fly—airplanes also fly and have +engines—so do steam rollers, the reason steam rollers do not fly is +because they roll."</p> + +<p>Said a man: "I dreamed that the woman I married and whom I love very +dearly had eloped with the janitor. Then I woke up and found that she +had, and I want to know what it all means."</p> + +<p>"It means," replied the prophet who was very strong on professional +ethics, "that your dream has come true and doesn't need interpreting; +ask the doorkeeper to give you your money back."</p> + +<p>"I dreamed," related another man, "that I had been captured by +cannibals; the fire was roaring; the pot boiling; I was led forth, my +head laid on the chopping block, the battle ax was lifted—and then the +cannibal chief's daughter rushed forward with a joyous cry and flung +herself upon my neck in place of the ax and so I was saved."</p> + +<p>"That means," replied the prophet, "that the sex instinct is stronger +than the nutritional instinct."</p> + +<p>"I dreamed," stated another man, who was just in front of Gud, "that I +was in love with my brother."</p> + +<p>"That means nothing indecent," expounded the prophet, "because dreams +are the voices of the unconscious mind which we inherited from an +earlier period of our evolution. Homo-sexual dreams merely hark back to +the time when we were all asexual creatures, hence they are entirely +proper. By similar psychic law we whitewash dreams of incest, murder, +torture, rape, arson, cannibalism, and political graft. All such dreams +are perfectly respectable and may be told with pride to your wife, your +mother, or your pastor, because they indicate that the unconscious mind +is perfectly natural. But there is one dream that should not be told to +your wife. To wit: a dream of polygamy—it is too damned natural."</p> + +<p>Now Gud had supposed that his friend would recognize him. But the +prophet was busy with some figures in a small book and he merely called, +"Next." So Gud told this dream:</p> + +<p>"I dreamed," replied Gud, "that I heard a most wonderful melody. But +when I woke up I found that I was sleeping near a strawstack and was +listening to the braying of a jackass."</p> + +<p>"That means," replied the prophet, "that you are one too. Five dollars +please, and what did you come in here for? When I was dealing in black +magic and making prophecies by poking into the steaming entrails of +virgin goats, I at least had my self-respect. And now you get out of +here before I call the Centurian and have you arrested for stealing the +subconscious mind of the President of our Academy of Science."</p> + +<p>Ingratitude is sharper than a woman's tongue; and when Gud heard what +the prophet said, he whipped out a ram's horn and blew a withering +blast. When the ground trembled with the echo thereof, all the shops in +the Market of Knowledge fell down and a great tidal wave swept in from +the Sea of Trouble.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXVI" id="Chapter_XXXVI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXVI</span></h2> + + +<p>After everyone else had drowned, Gud came up for air. He lit a cigarette +and blew a smoke ring and tossed it on the water to see if it would +float. It did and so Gud climbed upon it and sat there cross-legged to +wait for his robe to dry.</p> + +<p>Presently he saw a man coming toward him running on the water and +carrying a package under one arm and a half-finished manuscript under +the other. The man came up panting and out of breath and cried: "Save +me!"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps," said Gud. "But what have you in the package?"</p> + +<p>At this the man hurled the package at Gud and sank into the depths with +bubbling groan.</p> + +<p>Gud unwrapped the package and found that it contained three mountains. +These Gud tossed upon the water where they floated equidistant on the +surface of the sea. On the first mountain was a man in dire agony of +soul. On the second mountain was a beautiful woman about to plunge a +dagger into her heart because of her love for the man. On the third +mountain was another woman no less beautiful, and she was about to cast +herself into the sea because of her hate of the woman who loved the man. +But Gud, who knew all things, was not interested in what would happen +next; and, his robe being dry, he arose and walked leisurely away on the +water and did not once look back.</p> + +<p>Tiring of walking on the water Gud looked about for a conveyance. Just +then a deep-sea fish came to the surface and winked at Gud with his +glassy eye.</p> + +<p>"I came up to see if I could find out," said the fish, "who that fellow +was who came tumbling down into my depths a little while ago."</p> + +<p>"Why do you wish to know?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Because," replied the fish, "I feel as if I had swallowed a theological +discussion and it is giving me indigestion."</p> + +<p>"Suppose you turn over and let the sun shine on your belly," suggested +Gud. "Sunlight is very healing."</p> + +<p>"Thanks, but my belly is white and I do not wish to have it +sunburned—but who do you suppose is coming in yonder boat?"</p> + +<p>When the boat came nearer Gud and the fish saw that the boat also +contained a man and two women. The man was talking. "Suppose," said he, +"that the boat should upset: neither of you can swim, and what would I +do? For I could not save you both. I could not let my dear old mother +drown and yet how could I let my beautiful wife drown? If I had realized +how I was going to worry about it, I should have insisted on going to +the mountains for our vacation."</p> + +<p>Upon hearing the man's words the two women set up a great weeping.</p> + +<p>"I wonder," said Gud, "which one he would save!"</p> + +<p>"Let's find out," laughed the fish; and without further ado he dived +beneath the boat and upset it with a mighty stroke of his great scaly +tail.</p> + +<p>"Help!" screamed the mother.</p> + +<p>"Help!" gurgled the young wife.</p> + +<p>"Now I am in a devil of a fix," groaned the man, "which ever one I save, +the neighbors will say I should have saved the other one." And he +started off alone swimming rapidly toward the shore.</p> + +<p>Then the fish remembered that the young wife was quite plump—even if +she wasn't beautiful as her husband had said she was, so he dived deep +into the sea and left Gud standing there on the water without a blessed +thing to do and nothing to think about.</p> + +<p>And now a wind came sighing over the deep blue sea, and little ripples +stirred upon the surface of the water, and then the wind came soughing +over the roughened sea, and larger wavelets raced and ran atop the cold, +damp water. And soon the wind began to howl and tear the wild, wet sea, +and mighty waves began to break and toss and splatter—and it made Gud +seasick.</p> + +<p>So he began to wonder why the waves kept going on and leaving him +behind. The more he thought about it, the more it worried him; and +finally it occurred to Gud that he was opposing the waves +subconsciously. So he sublimated his subconscious conflict and +harmonized his ego with the spirit of the waves, and when the next wave +hit him he rode atop it like a cat on the ridgepole of a cabin going +down the river in a June rise.</p> + +<p>As the wave struck the shore, it began to break and make breakers. As +soon as it was broke, Gud dismounted and strolled along the beach +looking for flotsam and jetsam.</p> + +<p>He didn't find any, so he picked up a jeweled casket and started to +wonder with a great curiosity what it contained. Then suddenly, he +tossed the jeweled casket aside without even examining the padlock, for +he had remembered that he knew all things and hence could not wonder nor +possess curiosity. But upon further consideration he realized that lack +of wonder and curiosity on his part would kill all the suspense in his +story, so he began to wonder what the wild waves were saying, and why +sea shells are pink inside, and what the ink-fish was writing on the +sands of time.</p> + +<p>Gud pondered these things as he walked along the beach until he saw +before him a series of shallow depressions. At first he thought they +were ordinary soul tracks. Then he looked again and gave forth a low +whistle of surprise and amazement and bent low to examine the +footprints—and shrank back in horror, for they were stained a deep +crimson.</p> + +<p>Cautiously Gud touched his finger to the stain and examined it +critically. "'Tis blood!" he cried.</p> + +<p>Gud began to trail the stained footprints along the beach and followed +them until they turned and led into the sea. At the edge of the water he +paused and sighed, for his robe was now nicely dehydrated. But curiosity +is a compelling instinct and wonder a powerful emotion; and so Gud +followed the trail as it led down the sloping beach and on down along +the bottom of the sea.</p> + +<p>At last the trail led to a rocky cavern where phosphorescent eyes stared +out of opalescent water. Here the trail came finally to an end as it +entered a door in the side of a barnacle-covered hull of an ancient +galley.</p> + +<p>"And what is this place?" asked Gud of a mermaid, who was sitting on one +of the ship's knees: "and what bold criminal with a blood-stained trail +has entered here?"</p> + +<p>"Can't you read?" retorted the mermaid. "The sign tells you plainly +enough that this is our Deep-Sea Butcher Shop, and he who just now +entered was the butcher's boy, who had been up on the shore to get some +red-blooded meat. We tire dreadfully down here of having seven Fridays +in a week. And now if you will quit being silly and playing at amateur +detective I will sing you a song." And so she sang:</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXVII" id="Chapter_XXXVII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXVII</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It was a soulful song he sung,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A doleful song sang he,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For in the sun her body swung<br /></span> +<span class="i2">High on the gallows' tree.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The loathsome vultures swooped among<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The shadows hungrily,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As though awaiting for the dung<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That swayed there horribly.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then as a distant church bell rung<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Slowly, peacefully,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Out through the night a mad cry flung<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Red echoes suddenly.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A mad cry, then the silence clung<br /></span> +<span class="i2">O'er sky and shore and sea;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He dead below, and she that hung<br /></span> +<span class="i2">High on the gallows' tree.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXVIII" id="Chapter_XXXVIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXVIII</span></h2> + + +<p>"Oh, listen to the mocking bird!" cried the crustacean.</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha!" laughed the crinoid, "that is only a mock turtle."</p> + +<p>"Oh H<sub>2</sub>O!" snorted the good red herring, "you talk like a fish out of +water."</p> + +<p>"She has a necklace of shark's teeth," whispered the jealous water baby.</p> + +<p>"And a pearl without a price," piped the sea lady.</p> + +<p>"But why do mermaids have fish tales to tell?" demanded Gud.</p> + +<p>"I don't know," answered the deep sea diver, who was looking for the +treasure. "But they call 'Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea' +prophetic fiction, but you can't shoot a rifle under water without +blowing your head off."</p> + +<p>Just then the Underdog barked at the copycat and Gud woke up and +realized that all this marine stuff was just the subconscious yearning +of a writer born in the short grass country to imitate Conrad, and that +he, Gud, was still lying in the pasture, and that the snow had changed +to rain and his feet were wet.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XXXIX" id="Chapter_XXXIX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XXXIX</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And old Giasticuticus<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Stood on a mountain side,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His right legs shorter than his left,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And scratched his tough, thick hide.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I live upon a bias, true,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With legs I'd like to hide,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But that arose from dwelling here<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon the mountain side."<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XL" id="Chapter_XL"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XL</span></h2> + + +<p>And Gud came upon a paradise, its streets of hammered gold. Iridescent +fountains played beneath o'er-hanging palms, and gentle breezes, wafting +through the glistening latticery of ornate edifice, made music soft and +low that lulled of peace and quiet and eternal joy.</p> + +<p>Here was a paradise prepared for most exacting saints. Gud strolled its +million leagues about and wondered why there was no sign of occupants. +These heavenly mansions were not newly built but rather spoke of use. +While all the major structures were intact, the minor furnishings gave +evidence of chaos and disorder. This paradise, it seemed to Gud, had +once o'erflown with life, but now was empty and abandoned.</p> + +<p>All this puzzled Gud and worried him. He was familiar with the ruins of +many a paradise that had been smashed and broken by rebellion or by war, +but his mind could find no reason why a heaven so fine as this should be +deserted, and yet remain in such fair state of preservation.</p> + +<p>The most likely theory which he could conceive, was that some pestilence +had raged and stripped the place of every living soul. Over this Gud +cogitated. Had it been a dwelling place of mortal flesh, a pestilence +would have left its tell-tale stench or whitening bones. But immortal +souls—how could pestilence have slain them? His theory thus became a +paradox or worse yet a dilemma, and either one is harrowing to the mind. +So Gud started out again in search of facts.</p> + +<p>After much meandering he was rewarded by finding himself looking down +into a high-walled garden, most beautiful of any spot that he had yet +discovered. And better still, he noted signs of life. He hastened to +descend, that he might explore the garden. It was there beneath a bower +that he found a female soul most radiant. She was sitting on a gorgeous +purple rock, and singing, and knitting as she sang, while all about her, +tumbling on the grass in a most completely idiotic fashion, were little +souls at play.</p> + +<p>"Good morning," said Gud.</p> + +<p>The soul stared up at him in most incredulous manner and replied; "I +thought they were all dead."</p> + +<p>With much patient questioning, Gud wrested from this soul, alone in a +vast heaven—save for the little souls that played most idiotically upon +the grass—a tale of a paradise gone wrong because of a theological +blunder.</p> + +<p>It was a tedious tale and she who sat knitting there upon the purple +rock told it to Gud in broken fragments of narration. First she related +how the place had been peopled by all the host of souls passed over from +a certain muddy sphere, and who came to this heaven as the result of +faith in a most liberal theology that promised universal salvation to +saint alike with sinner.</p> + +<p>And so they all in one triumphal procession came to claim the rewards +and demand the fulfillment of the promises. And yet they had not +tarried—none but she who told the tale and the bevy of little tumbling +spirits, who were none other than the souls of idiotic babes born into +their material world of long ago, deaf and blind as they were imbecile.</p> + +<p>Gud suspected, even as the tale unfolded, that there had been some +fearful blunder in the promises; and right enough he was, for the ninth +promise of their creed had been, "Then ye shall know the truth."</p> + +<p>So all the myriads of saved souls, who had cherished the promises, had +come to know the truth as it had been promised them. When they arose in +glittering gowns and halos bright upon that Resurrection Morn and +started singing, one by one and then by twos and tens and soon by scores +and thousands they remembered all that they had wished to know of all +their pasts and ponderings. And to their minds, reborn to omniscience of +the truth of what had been as it had really been, came also the memories +of what they thought had been.</p> + +<p>The books of hymns had fallen from their hands, and voices lost the key +and shrieked in agony. Insane ravings, babblings and cursing smote the +air of heaven. Chaos reigned supreme and all the hosts of heaven went +raving mad and babbled as they raved.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLI" id="Chapter_XLI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLI</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I buy my clothes in high-priced shops;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My collars match my shirts;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I swing a dapper cane with ease<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And ogle all the skirts.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I follow the ads in the Satevepost;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I have picked the car to buy;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I read the "Book of Etiquette,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And "Sappho" on the sly.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A bit of my handkerchief always shows<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In a pocket of my coat....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I carry a letter next to my heart<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That a movie actress wrote.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I said to a lady I flirted with:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I'm a gent!" But then she ran,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Though over her shoulder sweetly said:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"That's a third of a gentleman!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLII" id="Chapter_XLII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLII</span></h2> + + +<p>And Gud came to a great Republic and sat himself down at meat in a +tavern of the capital city thereof. Said the damsel who came to serve +him: "Alas, there is no meat, for we have civil war, and all the meat is +requisitioned for the soldiers."</p> + +<p>When she had said that a volley of guns sounded in the street. Gud +looked out of the window and saw two armies firing at each other. The +one army was composed of men richly garbed, and the other of men poorly +clad, and the rich men and the poor men were killing each other. Seizing +the white table linen, Gud went out into the midst of the murderous +armies and waved the table linen peacefully.</p> + +<p>The General of the Rich Men and the General of the Poor Men rushed up +angrily to Gud and both demanded in aggrieved tones to know why he was +peacefully interfering with the war.</p> + +<p>"Because," said Gud, "The soldiers are eating all the meat."</p> + +<p>"But," cried the generals, "you have stopped the war—and now what shall +we do? We had tried the courts; we had tried the ballot; we had tried +arbitration and all failed. So we resorted to war, which is the last +resort of civilized people, and we do not wish to revert to savagery."</p> + +<p>"I stopped the war," said Gud, "because I dislike to have the streets +covered with blood—it makes them slippery, but I am sorry. Is there +anything I can do to help you start it again?"</p> + +<p>The generals shook their heads sadly, for they saw that the Poor Men and +the Rich Men were fraternizing and exchanging cigarettes, and they knew +that the war was over.</p> + +<p>"I wonder," said Gud, "since I spoiled the war, if you would mind +telling me what it was all about?"</p> + +<p>"Gladly," said the generals, and they invited Gud into the tavern—and +now the damsel brought meat which Gud ate, while the generals of the +late war related the cause thereof.</p> + +<p>"It so happened," they said, "that we wished to erect a shrine to the +President of our Republic while he was yet alive to be worshipped +therein. The rich men gave the money and the poor men held their hats to +receive it.</p> + +<p>"When the money was gathered, the committee took it to our beloved +President and asked him the manner of shrine he would have. And our +President said: 'All that any man is, his mother made him—therefore I +ask that the shrine shall consist of a great gallery, and in this +gallery shall hang the portrait of my mother.'</p> + +<p>"So our committee called upon all the artists and they selected the two +best. One artist's name was Jake Smith, and he was born naked into the +world amidst dire poverty and considerable adversity, but he had become +a great artist for all that and had painted the portraits of many rich +and be-jeweled ladies.</p> + +<p>"And the other artist bore the name of Glengary Du Peyster, and he was +born with a silver spoon in his mouth; but in spite of that he also +learned to paint, and he had searched out all the poor and wretched old +women of our slums and hovels and painted of them very great pictures.</p> + +<p>"When these artists took samples of their work to show to our President, +he said: 'You may both paint my mother, and then my mother shall decide +which is the best painting.'</p> + +<p>"'Very well,' said the artists, 'will you conduct us to her home?'</p> + +<p>"So the President took them to a little flat in K Street where lived a +poor, blind widow and he said: 'Artists, meet my mother!'</p> + +<p>"Glengary Du Peyster was over-joyed, for this was the kind of a woman he +could paint best, and he wished to send immediately for his canvas and +brushes.</p> + +<p>"But it was not to be so, for the President now conducted the artists to +a mansion in D Street, and here in a great hall hung with tapestry and +shaded lights was a fine old lady, and the president said again: +'Artists, meet my mother!'</p> + +<p>"And now it was Jake Smith's time to rejoice; and he glared at Glengary +Du Peyster, and neither of them durst speak their thoughts.</p> + +<p>"Then the President took them both back to his official residence and +feasted them on grouse and wine, and as they sat about their cigars Jake +Smith said: 'Mr. President, which is your mother?'</p> + +<p>"'Alas,' said our great President, 'I do not know.'</p> + +<p>"At this both artists lost their artistic tempers and rushed into the +street. As the news-makers gathered about them, they told what had +happened and what the president had said, and it was published abroad in +our great Republic, together with photos of the two women, each of whom +the President had introduced as his mother.</p> + +<p>"Then our citizens warmed to heated arguments and gathered themselves +into two parties, the poor to themselves under the leadership of Jake +Smith, for they agreed with him that our great President should have a +fine and noble lady for his mother. But the rich, under the leadership +of Glengary Du Peyster said: 'Surely our President was born of the poor +and lowly mother, how else can we be a true republic, where all men are +born free and equal?'"</p> + +<p>"That is very interesting," said Gud as he took another forkful of meat, +"but why did you not ask the women themselves?"</p> + +<p>"We did ask them," said the leaders of the late war, "but both said they +did not know. So we thought war was the only way to settle the matter. +And now you have spoiled the war, which is the last resort of civilized +people, and we shall surely revert to savagery."</p> + +<p>The following day Gud was conducted with great pomp and ceremony to the +Hall of Justice, where he sat down upon the judge's bench.</p> + +<p>Said Gud to the President of the great Republic, who was there in his +own person: "Bring in your poor mother and put her on the witness +stand."</p> + +<p>The President did so, and Gud saw before him a stooped, wrinkled and +blind creature who was poorly dressed but neat and clean.</p> + +<p>"Now," said Gud in his most kindly tone, "we will dispense with the +swearing and you may tell me all that happened in your own language."</p> + +<p>"Believe me, your honor," said the poor mother, "it was no fault of +mine, for I was blind and how could I tell which one was which? You see, +I was a widow, because my husband died by the falling on him of a stone +in the quarry when he was getting out rocks for the cellar of the house +of Eben Gratz. And so when they buried him I was left all by myself, but +for the babe that was coming. When it came it was a twin and they both +cried just alike, so that I could not tell which one was which.</p> + +<p>"And nobody had ever seen them until the day I heard a fine automobile +driving up the road, purring like a cat fed upon cream. It stopped by my +cabin and a lady with a rustly gown got out and came into the cabin. I +sat waiting for her to speak to me, thinking that perhaps in her rich +kindness she might have brought some clothes for my twins. I heard her +go to the old cow trough where the twins were lying under the horse +blanket. Then, without saying a word, she rustled out again and was +gone.</p> + +<p>"And presently the twins began to cry and I could tell now that they did +not cry alike, and I knew that she had stolen one of my babies and left +another in its place.</p> + +<p>"So I raised them up as best I could. The girl she was good and dutiful +and married a good man. But the boy, he was smart and did not marry +anybody; and he became the President of his country just as I knew he +would. While I am not saying whether he is my son or not, I can not say +he isn't; and he can't, either, because he can't remember whether it was +himself or his sister that was brought that day by the fine lady and +exchanged for his brother. So you see, sir, just how it is."</p> + +<p>Gud did not see, but disliked to admit it, so he asked that the rich +mother of the President of the Great Republic be brought also before +him.</p> + +<p>As she came into the room he saw what a grand old lady she was, for she +walked erect and proud and her manners were queenly and stately, and Gud +could see how she impressed all the poor men in the courtroom with her +greatness.</p> + +<p>When the rich mother of the President began speaking in a low, melodious +voice that quivered with emotion, she said:</p> + +<p>"Your honor, there is naught I can tell save to confess that when my +child was born I was so overwhelmed with maternal emotion that I became +ambitious for my child. But I knew that I was rich and lived in a +mansion and that riches are a handicap to any child. I recalled that it +was always the boys born in log cabins and nurtured in poverty that +became our great men, and presidents of our great Republic.</p> + +<p>"So I took my darling babe with me in my car and drove out into the +mountains where the soil was rocky and the people were poor, and finally +I came to a very picturesque log cabin that had only three sides. I +stopped the car, and took my own child and stole toward the cabin and +peeped in. There sat a poor, blind, widowed mother knitting with a ball +of coarse yarn.</p> + +<p>"And over in the corner I saw a cow trough and a horse blanket and it +was from there that the cry of the child came. So I stole over and +raised the blanket and saw there the faces of two sweet babes. I closed +my eyes and tore off the wrappings from my own child and quietly placed +him in the trough; and then, seizing one of the babes in the trough, I +wrapped it in the silken robes I had taken from my own child and +hastened back to my car.</p> + +<p>"The child I stole, when he learned to talk, told me that he was a boy."</p> + +<p>"Pardon me, madame," interrupted Gud, "but what was the sex of your own +child that you left in the cow trough?"</p> + +<p>At the question the refined lady blushed painfully. "Do not insult me, +sir," she said icily. Then she continued: "I raised this child of the +poor blind widow and he became the best dancer of the younger set. But +while I lavished on him all of a fond mother's care, deep in my heart +was the love for my own child that I had so bravely committed to the +care of the poor blind widow in the log cabin with only three sides.</p> + +<p>"So I employed detectives to keep secret watch about the cabin, and when +the two children were old enough to be dressed distinctively the +detective reported to me that one was a boy and one was a girl.</p> + +<p>"It was then that I realized my grievous error in exchanging my own +child for one of two twins, for I could not know whether the boy or the +girl was my own child. So I waited to see how they would turn out. And +when the girl married a clam digger down on the river I decided to say +nothing to her. But when the boy worked his way through college by +delivering milk before dawn, I sent for him and confessed to him that +I was either his mother or his sister's mother.</p> + +<p>"So from that day to this he has been a dutiful son to me as well as to +the poor blind widow who may also be his mother. And when he was elected +President of our Great Republic, both she and I rejoiced. All would be +well, if only his love for his mother had not prompted him to wish to +have her painting hung in the memorial shrine. That is all I have to +confess."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLIII" id="Chapter_XLIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLIII</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Who shall say that his love was not good<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For the dummy of cloth and wax and wood?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I know that more curious things exist<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Than the love of a dreaming ventriloquist.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He liked to perch her on his knee<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Combing her black hair lovingly,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then talk by the hour just as though<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She understood and ought to know.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Her chatter merged with his and twice,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I know, he struck her ... it wasn't nice.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Repenting, he bought her costly things—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Gowns, rare necklaces and rings.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">One night they found him on the floor<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Stark dead ... each year I wonder more<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Why, killing himself, he never wrote<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of the dagger he sank in her wooden throat.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLIV" id="Chapter_XLIV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLIV</span></h2> + + +<p>Now the fame of Gud's wisdom was broadcast about, so that important +personages of other worlds came and laid their problems at the feet of +Gud and begged of him solutions.</p> + +<p>Among them were two citizens of a world that was in dire distress. And +one of these citizens was a Keeper of Morals of his sphere, and the +other was the Vital Statistician.</p> + +<p>To Gud the Statistician said: "Our world is full, so that there is no +more room for further population, and I have therefore ordered that the +issue of birth permits be curtailed."</p> + +<p>"And in doing so," cried the Keeper of Morals, "you have ignored the law +which bade us be fruitful and multiply."</p> + +<p>"That have I done," replied the Statistician, "because the facts have +obsoleted the law. Our world is full, and what good would it do to issue +more birth permits when there is no more room to be born into?"</p> + +<p>"But you should make room," protested the Keeper of Morals, "by issuing +more death permits. Surely it is not as great a sin to die as it is not +to be born."</p> + +<p>"But I insist," declared the Statistician, "that to issue more death +permits than there are people ready to sicken and die would be to +encourage suicide and murder. Do you countenance such unmoral ways of +dying?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly not," retorted the Keeper of Morals, "suicide and murder are +crimes. We must not encourage them, but neither must we discourage +births, for we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply."</p> + +<p>"I agree with you," said Gud, addressing himself to the Keeper of +Morals, "in your belief that it is wrong to discourage births, and also +wrong to encourage deaths—for unrestricted birth and unpremeditated +death are great moral principles and nothing must be allowed to +interfere with them."</p> + +<p>"Exactly," replied the Keeper of Morals, "yet this Statistician is +interfering by producing his unwelcome facts. He tells us that our world +is full and that there is room in it for not a single being more."</p> + +<p>Gud turned to the Statistician and demanded: "Is this fact that you have +produced a true fact or is it only a statistical fact?"</p> + +<p>And the Statistician replied: "The fact is a true fact. Indeed, when we +left to come here to consult you, we were obliged to make dummies and +leave them in our places so that we would find room for ourselves when +we returned. All this I can readily prove to you, if you will come with +us and see for yourself that there is room in our world for not a single +being more."</p> + +<p>"It is not necessary for me to go out of my way," said Gud, "to see your +world, but I will send for it." And Gud called Fidu and commanded the +Underdog to go and fetch the world from whence his visitors came.</p> + +<p>So Fidu went and fetched that world, and brought it and laid it at the +feet of Gud.</p> + +<p>Gud looked upon that world and saw that the fact of its fullness was a +true fact and that there was room thereon for not a single being more. +So Gud turned and said to the Keeper of Morals: "The fact of the +absolute fullness of your world is a true fact and also obvious and +incontrovertible. What do you propose to do about it?"</p> + +<p>"Why, nothing, Your Deity," replied the Keeper of Morals, "it is not my +business to deal with facts when they interfere with morals—I merely +ignore them."</p> + +<p>"Then," asked Gud, "why quarrel you with this Statistician? Why do you +not let him and his facts alone?"</p> + +<p>"And that I should do gladly, if he would but let me and my morals +alone, but he is withholding the issuing of birth permits."</p> + +<p>So Gud addressed the Statistician and said: "Why do you not let this man +and his morals alone?"</p> + +<p>"Because," the Statistician made reply, "his morals are incompatible +with my facts, which are: First, our world is absolutely full: Second, +there can be no more births than deaths: Third, we must either issue +more death permits or cease to issue so many birth permits. That is +absolutely logic, yet this Moralist refuses to accept it."</p> + +<p>"I certainly do," shouted the Moralist. "Away with your sinful facts and +your wicked logic! The morality of our world must be preserved at all +costs. We must not encourage murder nor suicide, nor dare we discourage +births, for that is also murder of those who would be born, and so it is +race suicide. On these moral principles I stand as on the rock of truth, +and no torrents of facts or floods of logic can dislodge me."</p> + +<p>"You will have to admit," argued Gud, addressing the Vital Statistician, +"that the Moralist has the courage of his convictions. Therefore the +great truth of moral principle should be regarded above the smaller +truths of material facts and mental logic—and many of the inhabitants +of your world, if I know mortal nature, will agree with me."</p> + +<p>"Sad but true," agreed the Statistician. "I am only able to hold my job +because I am under civil service and not subject to popular election. +But you, Great Gud, appear to me to be a rational being."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes," confessed Gud, "I am quite rational at times; but from the +nature of my position it is only right that I should uphold morality +when it clashes with rationality, as I regret to say it often does. +Because I must do this, I can see both sides of the case, which neither +of you gentlemen can. So to me the solution is very simple, and will +outrage neither morals nor reason. Murder and suicide must not be +encouraged, births must not be limited, yet your world is full. +Obviously, you must proceed to empty it. There is only one moral way to +do that. You must have a war—preferably a righteous war. That requires +a cause with two right sides. Such causes are plentiful. Any question +that can be looked at from two sides, either of which, when looked at +rightly is the right side, will serve as the cause for a righteous war. +This dispute that you gentlemen bring me will do nicely. Let the +moralists fight for their moral principles and the rationalists fight +for their facts."</p> + +<p>"But," interrupted the Statistician, "my side would have very few +adherents; men do not fight to defend facts. We would be overwhelmed by +superior numbers and annihilated."</p> + +<p>"Certainly," said Gud, "what more could you expect if you espouse an +unpopular cause?</p> + +<p>"But why stand here babbling? See, your valorous enemy has already +returned to his followers and is calling them to arms. Why do you not +hasten to join your colors?"</p> + +<p>"Thanks," replied the Statistician, "but I left a dummy in my place and +I am going to stay right here and count the stars."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLV" id="Chapter_XLV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLV</span></h2> + + +<p>Passing a heap of fossil platitudes Gud came to an oasis in a Desert of +Righteousness and saw nineteen pretty murderers hanging in a row. There +also he saw the couple who were parted at the altar, a woman who had +lost her intuition, and a herd of ambitious animals who believed in the +transmigration of souls.</p> + +<p>Gud entered the caravansary of the place and bargained with the keeper +thereof to make a supper with meat and wine—after which there should be +dancing.</p> + +<p>To the supper, Gud bade a Skeptic, a Cynic, a Critic and a Cryptic. And +Gud and his guests made merry.</p> + +<p>Gud blew four halos of phosphorescent smoke and gave one to each of his +guests. Whereupon they were flattered and waxed loquacious, and the +Cynic said to Gud: "If you had not insisted on following that Impossible +Curve, but had come here by the straight way, how much sooner you would +have joined us."</p> + +<p>"True," agreed the Critic, "but the straight and narrow way would have +seemed much further, for it lies wholly in the Desert of Righteousness."</p> + +<p>"But most of all I hate to see," remarked the Cynic, "is a female cat +sitting on a gravestone in the moonlight, after I carefully killed her +the day before."</p> + +<p>"Quite true," replied the Cryptic, with a weary shrug.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLVI" id="Chapter_XLVI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLVI</span></h2> + + +<p>Then the Skeptic related to Gud some of the gossip of the place. "We +have here," said he, "a powerful sheik who rules over this oasis in the +Desert of Righteousness. The sheik being old, had twenty young wives; +and each of these wives had a lover. Came a time when the old sheik went +on a journey but returned a day before he was expected. Finding only one +of his wives in the harem, he called the masons and walled up the +windows and doors of the place, and that is why the nineteen pretty +murderers are hanging in a row."</p> + +<p>"But," said Gud, "the story seems incomplete."</p> + +<p>"Not at all," replied the Skeptic, "it is only that you do not +understand our laws and customs. These things are relative, you +know...."</p> + +<p>"If you will listen well," spoke up the Cryptic, "I will expound +relativity to you. Now, if a man should buy a lot on time and the lot +had but two dimensions, then if time should be destroyed, could the real +estate agent justly demand payment for the lot?"</p> + +<p>"Why, certainly," answered Gud. "Is not the Impossible Curve in the Nth +dimension?"</p> + +<p>"But I have not told you yet," interrupted the Skeptic, "what the old +sheik did. You see, he felt so remorseful that he endowed a School of +Theological Mathematics, and each year he grants a doctor's dilemma to +the young man who can most nearly solve the problem of the trinity."</p> + +<p>"What is the solution?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"We do not know," replied the Skeptic, "for as yet no man has ever +solved it."</p> + +<p>"But I was explaining relativity to our host," cried the Cryptic, "and +you interrupt me with this trifling gossip. Now, if a mass of silence +traveling at the speed of light, should be deflected by a caricature of +a phantom magnetic force, would the energy engendered—"</p> + +<p>But at that moment the keeper of the caravansary appeared in the doorway +and looked upon Gud questioningly. Gud nodded to him approvingly, +whereupon five beautiful damsels entered dancing to flats and sharps, +and flute and cymbal.</p> + +<p>So the discussion of relativity was forgotten, as all things of the +intellect are forgotten, when damsels young and beautiful dance to lute +and timbrel.</p> + +<p>After there had been much joyous dancing, the Cynic plucked at Gud's +sleeve and asked:</p> + +<p>"Who be these beautiful damsels, who dance so divinely, and whence came +they?"</p> + +<p>And Gud made answer and said: "These damsels be the daughters of the +Pope, but I know not whence they came."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLVII" id="Chapter_XLVII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLVII</span></h2> + + +<p>And it came to pass that as Gud was making a long journey to a certain +place he neared a wayside inn, and being weary he entered and found six +characters drinking tea.</p> + +<p>"Good evening," spoke Gud. "Why are you drinking tea?"</p> + +<p>"We are drinking tea," replied the Clerical Collar, "so that we can +engage in theological disputation without cutting one another's +throats."</p> + +<p>"What is the dispute about?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>The Black Bathrobe made answer and said: "It concerns our belief in +Gud."</p> + +<p>"May I join you?" inquired Gud.</p> + +<p>"Delighted!" cried the Vest with the Silver Horseshoes, not recognizing +the caller.</p> + +<p>Gud sat down and the Clerical Collar poured him a cup of hot water, but +neglected to pass him the tea ball. Not wishing to attract attention to +the oversight, which he realized was due to the host's being absorbed in +spiritual matters, Gud was about to convert the water into tea by a +miracle. Upon second thought he refrained, lest the display of +miraculous power would reveal his incognito. Still Gud did not like the +idea of drinking water straight; so instead of performing a miracle he +reached over and helped himself to the tea ball—noting, as he did so, +how much simpler it is to get results by natural laws than by +unnecessary miracles.</p> + +<p>The venerable Beard being less wrought up over the disputation, +explained the nature of the meeting to the newcomer. Said he: "We are +all worshipers and ministers of the one true Gud, having been born and +baptised in the faith and duly ordained in its ministry. But of late +certain heresies have arisen among us, and we are gathered here to +ferret out the heretic and bring him to the bar of ecclesiastical +justice. Sad to confess, I find that I alone have remained staunch in +our faith, which is founded on the rock of unchanging truth."</p> + +<p>"Liar," cried out the Spectacles of the Student, "we modernists are also +staunch in the faith; it is merely the conceit of fundamentalist bigotry +to argue that truth cannot be changed. Indeed, it must be changed or +intelligent people will cease to believe it."</p> + +<p>"You are more accurate than expedient," admonished the Vest with the +Silver Horseshoes. "The faith of the people is waning fast, but it will +never be restored by your muddled mixtures of science and psychology. +What is needed is a great faith-arousing event, such as the trial and +burning of a heretic, and for that purpose are we assembled here."</p> + +<p>"Sad, but true," agreed the Threadbare Coat. "Any burning at the stake +would tend to revive faith, but the revival would be much stronger if +the burning flesh savored of heresy."</p> + +<p>"What?" shrieked the horrified Spectacles of the Student. "Is it +necessary to burn human flesh in this modern age? Would it not do quite +as well to set fire to a cage of black cats? Surely the burning of cats +would create a stench that would smell to high heaven."</p> + +<p>"Tut, tut," sniffed the Clerical Collar.</p> + +<p>Then the Venerable Beard spoke up nobly. "The red hand of heresy +grapples white faith by the throat. What is the use of all our +theological blue laws if the black heart of atheism continues to control +our yellow press?"</p> + +<p>"Softly, softly, Brother," the Threadbare Coat made answer; "It is not +charitable, neither is it wise, to bite the hand that feeds the press."</p> + +<p>"Do not worry," replied the Vest with the Silver Horseshoes. "I never +let my theological hand know what my secular hand doeth. Let us proceed +to business. The burning of any heretic is good for a headline."</p> + +<p>The Spectacles of the Student now arose in righteous indignation, +pointed a finger of contempt at the Vest with the Silver Horseshoes and +cried: "Do not tell me that you merely wish to burn a heretic to make +news for your paper. I know why you are a fundamentalist. You have a +monopoly on the oil!"</p> + +<p>"Young man, you betray your ignorance," spake the Clerical Collar. "The +church has its own oil reserves."</p> + +<p>"But we should save the oil to pour on troubled waters," suggested the +Threadbare Coat; "and that we could do if we had an obese heretic who +would burn in his own fat."</p> + +<p>The Vest with the Silver Horseshoes became self-conscious. "There is no +necessity of my being the martyr," he said. "I am already known to the +masses. Moreover a heretic, to burn brilliantly, must have ideas, not +mere fat."</p> + +<p>A look of great fear now came into the Spectacles of the Student, who +cried out: "You all assume because you see a light in my attic that I am +burning the midnight candle at both ends in search of ideas; but I tell +you it is the light of faith that shines from my window."</p> + +<p>"What use is a false faith?" retorted the Clerical Collar. "I know that +my faith alone is the true faith, because my mother told me it was so. +But I will reveal the heretic to you." And he pointed an accusing finger +at the Venerable Beard.</p> + +<p>"If you have no respect for my grey hairs," wailed the accused, "I will +pluck them out." And he seized his beard and tore it from his face.</p> + +<p>"Do not think, brother," replied the Clerical Collar, "that by doing +penance with self-torture, you can avoid the stake. Moreover you should +feel honored at my charge, for I do not accuse you of any petty heresy, +such as doubting that the eclipse of our moon is for the purpose of +hiding the angels at their baths. I accuse you of the <i>Heresis Maximus</i>, +that you doubt the virgin father!"</p> + +<p>"Why, how absurd!" remarked Gud naively. "There never was one to doubt."</p> + +<p>No sooner were these words out of the mouth of Gud than the six +characters in search of a heretic pounced in frenzied joy upon him. +Binding him with chains of iron and fetters of brass, they dragged him +forth to the heretical pyre, to which the Vest of the Silver Horseshoes +applied the torch, while the presses hummed with the news of the +burning.</p> + +<p>But as the flames licked hot about the feet of Gud, he slipped his +chains; and blazing with ethereal fire that dulled the smoke of +intolerance and the smudge of inquisition, Gud, the martyr, arose in a +flame of splendor. And using the stars as stepping stones, he strode +across the heavens to the place where he was going—for he had an +assignation there.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLVIII" id="Chapter_XLVIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLVIII</span></h2> + + +<p>She came toward Gud with an arch smile. In fact, her smile was very +arch. Her brows were also arched. But her nose was as straight as the +road to Hell and her lashes were curved as the new-born moon. They were +also long and drooping. Her eyes were opalescent, her complexion +translucent, her forehead high, and her cheekbones low. She had a +cupid's bow mouth and her lips were very ruby. Her teeth were like +genuine pearls and her chin was dimpled and single.</p> + +<p>When she spoke to Gud her voice was as musical as the song the silkworms +sing.</p> + +<p>And when Gud spoke to her, she sighed in ecstasy of lavender-scented +flattery, and her eyelids drooped like languid draperies across a +seacoal fire.</p> + +<p>"I have brought my book," she murmeled as she reached into her corsage +and drew forth a manuscript bound with skins of humming birds. "May I +read it to you? It's title is 'Art and Wealth and Anatomy Sesame.'"</p> + +<p>She opened the book at random—which is the proper way to open any +non-fiction book written by a woman—and her voice warbled as she read:</p> + +<p>"The lambent enoughness of atomless ultraness vegetateth for eons in +ultramarine slime and thence crawleth hencely, attaining esoteric power +by the sublimation of the egomania into splenetic colorature which by +chemic vortices electrifying plasmic erotifcanaticism ascends to organic +indefinability and multitudinous indefinity, and soareth toward the +inordinate fulfillment of superconscious metapsychoses."</p> + +<p>She of the dimpled and single chin, laid aside her manuscript and stared +reproachfully at Gud. "Do you comprehend it?" she beseeched.</p> + +<p>"Why, certainly. But what does it mean?" said Gud, who was always +willing to increase his knowledge if he could do so without interfering +with his previous beliefs.</p> + +<p>"It is a new theory," replied the ruby lips, "of the conquest of +anatomy. This theory is based on the hypotheses that the organ called +the brain is nothing but an adventitous, radio-active tumor that yields +two secretions. The external secretion is what is called the mind and +the internal secretion is known as the soul. From this hypothesis there +follows the tetravalent truth:</p> + +<p>"All life is anatomy.</p> + +<p>"All anatomy is matter.</p> + +<p>"All matter is nothing.</p> + +<p>"Therefore nothing matters."</p> + +<p>"Then why bother about it?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>But she did not answer, for her drooping eyes had again sought the open +book that lay on her dimpled knees, and her voice whippled and yodeled +as she read.</p> + +<p>"The immortal soul is destroyed by the psychic spirit.</p> + +<p>"The psychic spirit is destroyed by the mental psyche.</p> + +<p>"The mental psyche is destroyed by the rational mind.</p> + +<p>"The rational mind is destroyed by the common sense.</p> + +<p>"The common sense is destroyed by the emotion.</p> + +<p>"The emotion is destroyed by the instinct.</p> + +<p>"The instinct is destroyed by the physiology.</p> + +<p>"The physiology is destroyed by the anatomy.... How do you like my +eyes?"</p> + +<p>"Very," said Gud, "for your pupils shine as unborn souls of May-green +stars floating in the nebulous nonentity."</p> + +<p>After which her butler came to say that Messrs. Confucius and Buddha +were calling.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_XLIX" id="Chapter_XLIX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter XLIX</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We have built our own skyscrapers<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Out of slender metal girders,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We have flung our shining cities,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Reaped our harvests from the sod....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With our paths of empire crimson<br /></span> +<span class="i0">From a list of countless murders,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We go shrieking down the darkness,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bent on worshipping a god.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_L" id="Chapter_L"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter L</span></h2> + + +<p>Gud came around a bend in the Impossible Curve and lo, the Curve +broadened into a great highway which was very smooth. The way had been +rough before, so Gud now rejoiced and struck his staff gleefully on the +pavement, as he walked on in the middle of the great highway. But ere he +had progressed far, there came from behind him an agonizing shriek, as +of a man being flayed alive because he loved his neighbor's wife.</p> + +<p>The agonizing shriek startled Gud, so that he leaped sideways rather +spryly—considering that he was not slender. Just as he leaped, a +chariot rushed by with the speed of light, which is the speed limit. Had +Gud been less spry he would have ended fatally, the chariot would not +have stopped, and Gud would have never known what it was. But having +been spry, Gud had leaped almost out of the way; only his staff had been +knocked from his hand and his elbow broken. Observing the injury done to +the pedestrian, the demon who drove the chariot caused its speed to +abate, and presently it wheeled about and came roaring back to where Gud +stood, and stopped.</p> + +<p>The demon alighted and said: "Seems we had a little accident."</p> + +<p>"Nay, it feels, I know not seems," returned Gud, rubbing his elbow.</p> + +<p>"Pedigreed?" asked the demon.</p> + +<p>"No, fractured," said Gud.</p> + +<p>"Dead, I take it," remarked the demon, and he kicked something that lay +limp and prone on the highway.</p> + +<p>Then Gud observed that the Underdog was dead.</p> + +<p>"How much?" asked the demon. And before Gud could speak, the demon +pulled out a roll of the medium of exchange and unrolled it and handed +Gud a portion of the medium.</p> + +<p>As Gud had no pockets he put the medium under his girdle and remarked: +"If my staff had not been broken, I could revive him."</p> + +<p>"A pulmotor would be more likely," said the demon; and he went to the +chariot, brought back an instrument and applied last aid to the +Underdog, who presently wagged his tail feebly, opened his eyes and +whined piteously.</p> + +<p>Gud realized that the demon had paid him because the Underdog had been +dead; and now that Fidu was no longer dead, Gud felt constrained to +return that which the demon had given him.</p> + +<p>Thereupon the demon looked more gracious and said: "Where are you +going?"</p> + +<p>"We were walking for pleasure," answered Gud.</p> + +<p>At this foolish reply the demon looked confounded. "Well I don't see any +pleasure in walking," he remarked. "Better jump in—I'll take you as far +as Progress. It is just beyond Advertising."</p> + +<p>So Gud assumed alacrity, and jumped into the chariot; and the demon +threw the Underdog, which was still whining piteously, into the rear of +the chariot, and then sat himself beside Gud.</p> + +<p>The demon manipulated many mechanisms skilfully; and the chariot began +to roar mightily and then to purr contentedly, as the great highway +slipped beneath it.</p> + +<p>Gud was pleased with the demon's chariot and sat back on the cushions +and sighed enviously.</p> + +<p>Suddenly the chariot swerved and shrieked its agonizing shriek, and Gud +saw a lesser chariot, like unto the demon's chariot but smaller and +meaner looking. And the demon smiled scornfully, and said: "That was a +Lord."</p> + +<p>And they had not gone far after they passed the Lord when they came to a +small place with a great sign: "SPEED LIMIT THE SPEED OF SOUND."</p> + +<p>And the demon swore balefully, and the powerful chariot heaved and +groaned distressingly. Gud looked out upon the way and saw that it was +rough like a washlady's board, and there were many sharp turns and +detours; and at one place there was a sign: "THIS ROAD TO HIGHWATER." +Presently there was another sign: "THIS ROAD TO BREAKFAST."</p> + +<p>Gud asked: "What place is this?"</p> + +<p>Just as he had spoken the chariot reversed its direction so that Gud +could see behind it, and there was a sign which read: "FREE AIR AND GAS +TO BURN, BUT DON'T ASK FOR WATER."</p> + +<p>Gud was about to ask the meaning of all these strange signs and wonders +when the chariot turned a somersault, and Gud saw another sign being +written on the sky. This was mightier than all, and as Gud read it the +Lord passed beneath them; for the reading of the sign was: "THIS IS +HELL."</p> + +<p>When they had passed through Hell the road became smooth again, and the +demon smiled and began to burn up the road; and Gud looked into a small +mirror and could see Hell diminishing according to the law of +perspective. But of a sudden Hell ceased to be visible, for the demon +was angry; and he was exceeding the speed limit, which was the speed of +light, and that is why the light of Hell could no longer reach them.</p> + +<p>As there was nothing now to be seen in the rear, Gud looked ahead and +found that he could see more than twice as fast as usual, for they were +meeting the light that came from that direction at more than its own +speed. So Gud saw the tail light of the Lord that had passed them in +Hell. The demon turned on the warning glare to apprize the little Lord +of his approach, but this action was without avail since they were +exceeding the speed of light and the glare could not shine fast enough +to warn the Lord; and so the Lord was unwarned. Then the demon swore +unjustly and called the Lord "A way-swine"; but it availed nothing and +the Lord was run down and run over, and left as an empty tin that had +been stepped on by a dinosaur with an iron heel.</p> + +<p>After they had passed through Advertising and through Alltalk, which was +a suburb of Advertising, they came to Progress and the demon slowed down +and began to show Gud the town.</p> + +<p>The Underdog had recovered from his injuries and crawled out and stood +on the running board with his fore feet on the front defender and barked +joyfully, for Progress was a lively enough town and largely made up of +show windows and chariot factories.</p> + +<p>When the demon came to the end of his journey Gud alighted and said: +"Much obliged."</p> + +<p>The demon said: "Not at all."</p> + +<p>The Underdog jumped from the chariot and ran gleefully up to one who was +standing in front of a factory and playing with an enormous horse-power.</p> + +<p>Gud was jealous when he saw how much the Underdog seemed to love the +stranger and how much the stranger seemed to love the Underdog, and Gud +asked the demon who the stranger was. And the demon said: "Why, that is +Lord, who makes the little Lord chariots. If you won't tell him I ran +over one, I'll introduce you."</p> + +<p>So Gud met Lord, and Lord said: "I think I make a pretty good chariot."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Gud, "It can pass any chariot in Hell."</p> + +<p>After that Lord excused himself and went into his office to dictate an +article on the "Importance of Eating Pork"; and Gud was left at the +mercy of Lord's sales force.</p> + +<p>So Gud went across the street and entered the palatial office of a great +chariot maker and once inside he was obliged to pledge his honor and his +name. And when Gud came out of that place he was the proud possessor of +a great chariot with a mild roar.</p> + +<p>They started off and went back toward Hell, for they were headed that +way and could not turn around. They passed through Hell and went on from +Hell to Breakfast, and the chariot roared beautifully.</p> + +<p>Then the price of faith, which the great chariot burned, began to +increase at each filling station, and the hope, which smoothed its +running, became full of grit, and the charity on which it rolled began +to blow up, and the way became rough and the curves became impossible, +even for a great chariot; and Gud began to wish for a Lord.</p> + +<p>But there was no Lord in sight. Gud tinkered with the great chariot with +patience, and energized the battery with nerve, but all was of no avail.</p> + +<p>So when a Blackamoor came along on a gray mule, Gud made a bargain and +exchanged the great chariot for the mule. But Gud recalling the story +about the old man and his son and the jackass, Gud threw his animal into +the river at once, to avoid criticism.</p> + +<p>Gud now whistled to the Underdog, and the Underdog harkened to the +whistle and followed after Gud, for they were both meek in the humility +of wisdom.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LI" id="Chapter_LI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LI</span></h2> + + +<p>They had not gone far until Gud was arrested. His thumb print was taken +and he was cast into jail. As he did not know how to change his thumb +print, he wished to know why he had been arrested, in order to judge +whether it would be honorable to escape. So he inquired of one of his +fellow prisoners. And the prisoner listened to Gud's story and made +answer: "You have been arrested because you drove a high-powered chariot +without being possessed of a large amount of money. The catalog of crime +which such a combination engenders is tedious and fulsome."</p> + +<p>"But what is the remedy?" asked Gud, for he did not like to remain a +criminal.</p> + +<p>"Money," replied the prisoner, "you should make money. If we could get +out of this place I would show you how, for I am by trade a +money-maker."</p> + +<p>"Very well," said Gud, and he commanded the walls of the jail to fall +down, and he and the money-maker walked out over the fallen walls and +proceeded to the money-maker's den.</p> + +<p>But Gud soon tired of the tedious process of copper engraving; and going +out for a stroll about the town he came upon the booth of a +fortune-teller.</p> + +<p>"I wish you would tell me a fortune," said Gud, "for I am badly in need +of one."</p> + +<p>"But for that I charge money," said the fortune-teller.</p> + +<p>"Why?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Because, I know what is going to happen."</p> + +<p>"So do I," said Gud.</p> + +<p>"Liar!" cried the fortune-teller. "If you knew what was going to happen, +and had any insight whatsoever into future events, you would not be +standing idly here, for you would be in the Street."</p> + +<p>"Thanks for the suggestion," replied Gud, "I will go there immediately."</p> + +<p>When Gud reached the Street he found many bulls there and bears and +lambs, and men who were busy watering their stock. And Gud found there +also a private secretary who was watching the tape. And Gud said: "Why +do you watch the tape with eager eyes?"</p> + +<p>And she answered and said to Gud: "Because I wish to know what figures +are on the tape as quickly as any one else."</p> + +<p>"And how would you like to know more quickly?"</p> + +<p>"Indeed," she cried, "if one could, he would soon own the earth."</p> + +<p>"It is easy," said Gud. "All you have to do is to read these figures +before they appear instead of afterwards."</p> + +<p>"Can you do that?"</p> + +<p>"Why certainly! It is easy to read the future, if you know how."</p> + +<p>And so Gud showed her how to read the future, and she showed Gud how to +cash in on the readings, and presently they owned the earth.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LII" id="Chapter_LII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LII</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He loads the dice, scratches the cards,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hoists us up by our own petards;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when low music thrills the banquet halls,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His shadow like a silent spectre falls<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In grotesque imagery upon the walls.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A mad child left an empire's might<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The kingdom of the day and night<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And as he babbles on the palace floor,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He listens to the silver thunder roar<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like troubled seas upon some distant shore.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">With froth upon a sensual lip,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He sinks in play some crowded ship.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then lightly in an idle mood of mirth<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As though it were a trinket of no worth<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Down starry skies he flings some living earth.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Life's roulette table stops for him<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To any cackling vagrant whim.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His own police are venal, full of doubt;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Indeed the cheapest little racetrack tout<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Knows more what sportsmanship is all about.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">His gold face and his jet black hair<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The jewels his madness makes him wear.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His laws, a madman's irony<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The moon his mask above the sea<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Some morning he will turn his vacant eyes<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And see the sun with jealous new surprise<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And on the following day it will not rise.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LIII" id="Chapter_LIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LIII</span></h2> + + +<p>And when the last sound had gone howling by and tumbled into the +bottomless pit of silence, Gud held his breath, and even Fidu ceased to +breathe and listened ... and listened for the echo that was still ... +and it was as quiet as the missing link, as silent as a broken heart, as +mute as a withered violet in a virgin's dream.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LIV" id="Chapter_LIV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LIV</span></h2> + + +<p>Gud had traveled many infinite distances since he had seen any sign of +matter or mind or spirits. In this region things were not merely dead! +they were absolutely non-existent, and Gud became a trifle lonesome.</p> + +<p>He was in his ghostly incognito, for he always traveled lightly in +vacuous and doubtful regions. To sojourn as an immaterial spirit among +material beings gives one a sense of power, for what could be more +glorious than to see without eyes, hear without ears, ring bells without +hands or kick over tables without feet? But it is a very dull business +to journey along as a spirit in absolute nothingness.</p> + +<p>Indeed it is a business as dull as a Latin conjugation. So Gud now +realized that he was sensing something with his seventh sense, which was +more acute than the canine instinct of the Underdog and almost as +unerring as a woman's intuition.</p> + +<p>This seventh sense told Gud that he had entered a spiritual realm, and +he became aware of a black ghost of a white cat with one ghoulish +unseeing eye, sitting on the shadow of a back fence echoing a diabolical +howl.</p> + +<p>Gud could not hear the ghost cat howl, but he knew that it was howling +because with his seventh sense he felt the vibration of its howl +quivering through the impalpable and ghostly ether.</p> + +<p>The howl of the ghost cat petrified Gud's gall, for he sensed that the +creature had nine notches on its tail; hence would never live again, and +had nothing to howl about.</p> + +<p>So Gud picked up a stone and threw it at the ghost cat, but he aimed +high, and the stone, passing through a bush of credulity, killed two +birds of promise; whereupon the ghost cat ceased to howl.</p> + +<p>As Gud went on he became aware of ghosts strolling about among the ruins +of nothing.</p> + +<p>And Gud said to the ghosts: "Where is your king?"</p> + +<p>And the ghosts replied to Gud: "We have no king."</p> + +<p>"Then," said Gud, "I would be told of your form of government."</p> + +<p>But the ghosts answered: "Our government has no form because we have no +government."</p> + +<p>"Then," said Gud, "I would meet your doctors or lawyers or great and +famous ghosts."</p> + +<p>And they made answer that they had none.</p> + +<p>"Then," said Gud, "I would be told of your religion and learn of your +faith."</p> + +<p>Said the ghosts: "We have no religion and no faith, for we are too +immaterial to sin; and are therefore without fear of death, and thus +need no religion and no faith."</p> + +<p>"Then," said Gud, "this is a dull place. What do you call it?"</p> + +<p>Replied the ghosts, who had a very long time to live: "We have no name +for the place, but we are very happy here."</p> + +<p>When Gud learned that this place was nameless, he whistled for his +Underdog and they went on and passed through an impalpable fog of +etheric vibrations, and over a great gulf of sublimated emptiness, and +through a dark forest of neglected memories, and across a sandless +desert swept by a breathless wind.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LV" id="Chapter_LV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LV</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The graveyard of the gods is silent under a heavy sky,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where all the gods who never lived are buried when they die.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Pale angels kneel beside the graves, stretching row on row,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And madmen carrying mouldy flowers quickly come and go.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A withered lily in her hand Saint Any-One-At-All,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With pale, thin fingers opens the gate in an ivied wall.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Her face an open wound of wonder, bleeding with defeat,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And as she walks, the shining snow crunches under her feet.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The ghosts of trees reach icy arms up to a starless sky,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Mourning the gods who never were that rest here when they die.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Pale angels kneel beside the graves stretching row on row,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And madmen carrying mouldy flowers quickly come and go.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LVI" id="Chapter_LVI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LVI</span></h2> + + +<p>Having passed through the graveyard of the gods, Gud came to a vast +beyond where there really was nothing, when the gods are dead there can +be nothing. And so Gud journeyed on, for he would not stop at nothing, +and he came to a church, because it was Saturday night.</p> + +<p>Crouched by the steps of the church was a poor old skeptic begging alms +of faith.</p> + +<p>"Why do you beg?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Because I have need of faith," said the skeptic.</p> + +<p>"If I should give you a great amount of faith, would you use it to +destroy your doubts, or would you go out and proclaim it to others, and +thus give it all away?"</p> + +<p>"Try me," said the skeptic.</p> + +<p>"Then believe that I am Gud."</p> + +<p>"I will, if you can prove it to me!"</p> + +<p>"What proof shall I offer you?" asked Gud. For while he knew that proof +was not necessary to faith, yet he was willing to humor the poor old +skeptic because he was so weighted down with his burden of doubts.</p> + +<p>"If you be Gud," said the skeptic, "then you should know all things."</p> + +<p>"And that I do."</p> + +<p>"Very well," said the skeptic, "how mad is a wet hen?"</p> + +<p>Whereupon Gud called down fire from the heaven of that place and smote +the blasphemer so that he died.</p> + +<p>But when Gud called down the fire that smote the skeptic, alas, he +destroyed the church house also. The next morning when the sun arose, +behold the spot where the church had been was a greensward of two-bladed +grass. But presently worshippers came and seated themselves upon the +grass and lifted up their eyes in prayer.</p> + +<p>Gud did not wait to see who answered their prayers, for he had gone on +into a realm where the nights are as cold as greed, and where little +stars are born—and comets, like tadpoles, lose their tails, and burst +into shining suns.</p> + +<p>And yet again Gud passed on beyond all stars and on and on until he +reached the limits of thoughts, beyond which were only dim traces of +imagination. And passing still on and ever on he came to a place where +only the hope of faith abides, and lo, he was confronted here with a +great wall of light.</p> + +<p>And Gud knew—for he still knew all things—that this wall of light was +the great and mighty wall that flings its shining reaches round about +the City of the Forgotten Ghosts. These ghosts feared that dark +memories, which were their only enemies, might find them out, so they +had builded this mighty wall of light about their ghostly city.</p> + +<p>But those who know all things need stop at nothing, and Gud, first +casting off all memories that clung about him, kneeled down beside the +wall of light and rubbed a little ring of pale intrusion. And behold a +door of darkness opened in the wall of light. Gud arose and passed +through the door of darkness in the wall of light. When he had passed +through, the door of darkness closed behind him, and, having revoked all +memories, Gud could not recall that it had been.</p> + +<p>As Gud now journeyed through the outer environs of the City of the +Forgotten Ghosts, he rejoiced to become aware that these were holy +ghosts—for behold the way was lined with the shadows of ten thousand +crosses whereon hung ten thousand crucified ghosts.</p> + +<p>Seeing that he was among friends, Gud decided to tarry yet a little +while.</p> + +<p>He was very much interested to learn that the inhabitants of this realm +were not merely the spiritual leftovers of deceased material beings, but +were true ghosts who had always been ghosts. This fact puzzled Gud, but +there was no doubt about its authenticity, for the ghosts had a +revelation that testified to their purely ghostly origin.</p> + +<p>All the ghosts accepted this revelation of their origin, but there were +differences of opinion as to their destination. Having an honest +difference of opinion about an unknowable matter, there was, of course, +ample justification for the ten thousand crucified ghosts that hung on +the shadows of crosses.</p> + +<p>Among these ghosts, who were so positive about their origin and so +uncertain about their destiny, there were two sects: the Spiritualists +and the Materialists. The Spiritualists, knowing that they had always +been spirits, argued that they would always remain spirits. But the +Materialists decried this pessimistic faith and held forth a great hope +that if they adhered to all the platitudes they would have the pleasure +of shuffling off the immortal coil and being reborn as material beings.</p> + +<p>It was the tenets of this sect that Gud espoused, for he admired the +faith of these mere ghosts who had never sensed matter, and yet had +lifted up their eyes in the hope of material life.</p> + +<p>With his experience in such affairs Gud readily assumed the role of a +prophet of this Materialistic faith. But it is not sufficient merely to +call the righteous to repentance, and Gud indulged his imagination to +think of some way to impress the skeptical Spiritualists with the truth +of the Materialist faith.</p> + +<p>It was Fidu who gave Gud the idea for the great miracle, for Fidu had +remained close to his master, both of course, in their spiritual beings.</p> + +<p>The ghosts were not aware that Fidu was among them, and not being +familiar with dogs they walked right through him, ignoring the poor +beast quite utterly, which was very humiliating to Fidu.</p> + +<p>So Gud, in sympathy with the Underdog's humiliation, conceived of a +great idea, and he called the leaders of the Materialist sect together +and asked: "Have any of you ever sensed a material being?"</p> + +<p>"No!" answered they, "we have never sensed matter, which is why we have +faith in its existence."</p> + +<p>"True," said Gud, "enough for the faithful, but these infidels, some of +whom you neglected to crucify, have not faith without works. Let us +therefore create a material being wherewith to confound them."</p> + +<p>"And of what will you create a material being?"</p> + +<p>"I usually create things out of nothing," answered Gud.</p> + +<p>"But Master," cried the Ghosts, "we have very little of nothing. How +much would it take?"</p> + +<p>"It will suffice," said Gud, and he whistled to Fidu and straightway +materialized him.</p> + +<p>A real live dog weighing about twenty-seven pounds, running around +through the ghosts, made quite a sensation; and it greatly delighted +those of the Materialist faith and converted most of the Spiritualists.</p> + +<p>Gud thought for a time he had converted all the infidels and skeptics in +the realm to the true faith, but he later found that there was one +little band upon whom the materialization of Fidu had made no +impression. This sect denied the spiritual existence that they were +living, and taught that there was no such a thing as the spirit, but +that all was matter.</p> + +<p>Gud could not understand why this sect should call themselves +Materio-Spiritists, since they were certainly not Spiritualists, as they +denied the existence of spirit—and yet they were not Materialists, for +they did not believe in matter as matter, but in spirit as matter.</p> + +<p>These Materio-Spiritists were not impressed by the miracle Gud had +wrought in the interest of the orthodox Materialist faith. They believed +that all was matter, yet they did not recognize matter when they met it +in the road. They denied the matter-of-fact Fidu, and said he was only +an illusion of the non-existent spiritual mind and hence could have no +existence, material or immaterial.</p> + +<p>Even when Gud took the material dog to their place of worship and had +him bark at the service, they still argued that the material Fidu was +non-existent.</p> + +<p>Gud was a little crest-fallen at his inability to convert the +Materio-Spiritists, and yet the more he argued with them, the more +doubtful he became of his own convictions. In fact, he became so +confounded that he forgot what his convictions were, and was not sure +whether he was a ghost or not, or whether the material dog was real or +imaginary.</p> + +<p>Finally, to settle his doubts, Gud decided to kill all the ghosts and +see whether they would be reborn as material beings or disappear +altogether. When he proclaimed his intention there was much rejoicing in +the ranks of the Materialists, who thus saw the fulfillment of their +faith.</p> + +<p>As the day of the spiritual death approached there was a great revival +of faith, and much repentance and divers preparation to assume the +material role.</p> + +<p>Gud was a little puzzled as to how to kill so many ghosts at once. +Earthquakes and floods and all that sort of thing were clearly +inadequate, but he recalled that the crowing of a cock was very +destructive to ghostly life. So he sent Fidu back to the last material +realm they had passed, to retrieve a cock which could crow most lustily.</p> + +<p>The cock arrived amid a vast darkness, and Gud prepared a great light, +at the sight of which the cock crew mightily—and every ghost died of +fright.</p> + +<p>As the cock was pedigreed, Gud sent Fidu back to restore it to its +owner, while he sat himself down to wait for the appearance of the +material beings.</p> + +<p>None appeared.</p> + +<p>After a while Gud grew tired of waiting.</p> + +<p>The place was very still and very dark for the wall of light was dark on +the inside. In spite of his own ghostly being Gud found that he was +getting nervous. He had creepy sensations up and down his spine—</p> + +<p>This is a flunk. Ghosts of the ghosts are too much for my imagination. +It was Hersey's idea anyway. When you kill a ghost, of course you would +have a ghost of a ghost to take its place, and one ought to be able to +imagine it. But if you kill that, then you should have the ghost of a +ghost of a ghost, and that is straining the imagination to its cracking +point. And if you kill that then you should have the ghost of a ghost of +a ghost of a ghost—et cetera, ad infinitum, to the Nth expansion—me +for Einstein and his warped light.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LVII" id="Chapter_LVII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LVII</span></h2> + + +<p>As Gud strolled along trying to forget the past he stumbled over the +soul of an old blind ghost who was sitting on a petrified memory and +sentimentalizing over her woes.</p> + +<p>"Pardon me," said Gud, "but why are you so blind that I could not see +you?"</p> + +<p>"I am blind," replied the old soul, "because I strained my eyes out +looking at the moving pictures, and now I am very miserable because I +can not see them."</p> + +<p>"Oh, if that is all," answered Gud, "I will restore your sight. It will +cost you nothing but a little praise and gratitude."</p> + +<p>When the old soul received her sight she looked around the barren astral +landscape and was sorely disappointed, for there were no moving pictures +there; and she complained bitterly in her disappointment.</p> + +<p>"I could make a motion picture for you if you would tell me how," +offered Gud.</p> + +<p>"That I will do gladly," cried the old soul, "but first you must have an +author to write the scenario."</p> + +<p>"That is easy," replied Gud. "There—I have created one. Speak to her, +author, for the poor old soul was blind."</p> + +<p>"So I see," answered the author, as he extracted a cigarette. "And she +wants a story, I take it; but she has been blind and is probably +illiterate, and can not read, and I never tell my stories as poets +recite their verses—it is bad taste, you know."</p> + +<p>"I will restore her literacy," offered Gud, who was in a miraculous +mood, "and then she can read."</p> + +<p>"It would be doing me no good," sighed the old soul, "for even if I +could read the directions on patent medicine bottles because they are +printed in so many languages, yet I could never read fiction stories on +account of the quotation marks, and it's the pictures I want anyway."</p> + +<p>"Oh, pictures," said the author, as he ignited his cigarette, "now that +is a different matter; I create stories for the love of art, but moving +pictures can not be created for the love of art, for there is no art in +them to love."</p> + +<p>"Since we are both creators," said Gud, "I don't like to dictate to you, +so suppose we compromise. You write a poem for art's sake—as there is +no other excuse for writing one—but put it in the form of a scenario."</p> + +<p>"Now that is what I call clever!" exclaimed the author, and he whipped +out his Corona and wrote the scenario forthwith.</p> + +<p>What it was you shall never know, for movie scenarios could never get by +heavenly censors without mutilation, and when the censors had done with +this one there remained not even the mutilation. However, the author +read it to the old soul.</p> + +<p>"That is a fine scenario," cried she to Gud, "but you will have to make +a director to make the picture out of the scenario."</p> + +<p>So Gud made a director. He had never made one before but they are easily +made, as they can be made out of most anything.</p> + +<p>"Well, I see we have the scenario," remarked the director, when Gud had +finished making him, "but it hasn't the proper ending."</p> + +<p>"I am sorry," said the author, "but I didn't write a proper ending as I +knew you would use your own anyway."</p> + +<p>"I know his ending," cried the ugly old soul, "and it is very +beautiful—it's the one where—"</p> + +<p>"Shut up, you old fool," bawled the director, "don't you know you will +spoil the suspense by telling the audience how it is going to end?"</p> + +<p>"But in this case we have a real plot," said the author, "and it ought +not to be mutilated—"</p> + +<p>"Shut up, you conceited pup," howled the director, "and here, take your +scenario and have it printed if you like. I don't need it anyway."</p> + +<p>And so the author took the scenario and folded it and put it in his +inside pocket and walked away, inhaling angrily on his last cigarette.</p> + +<p>"Now," spoke the director, "as that infernal ass is gone we can get +busy."</p> + +<p>"What can I do?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Make the cast for me, pick out the sets and rig the props. But first I +must have six beautiful girls. It is going to be an all-star cast and I +want each of them as beautiful as she can be, yet distinctive, so the +audience can tell which is which."</p> + +<p>So Gud made six girls, all as beautiful as they could be, and yet all as +different as wives are from concubines.</p> + +<p>"Fine," exclaimed the director, as he pawed them over affectionately.</p> + +<p>"I love you," said the girl with the Cupid's bow mouth.</p> + +<p>"I loved him first," spoke the girl with the sorrowful eyes.</p> + +<p>"But I love him most," cried the girl with the angel-child curls.</p> + +<p>"But I love him like the flower loves the dew," wailed the girl with the +human form divine.</p> + +<p>"But I love him so that I could die for him," sobbed the girl with the +very tender heart.</p> + +<p>"Then die," shrieked the old-fashioned vampire, as she plunged a dagger +into the very tender heart.</p> + +<p>All the girls brought orange blossoms and laid them on the coffin and +wept much in each other's arms, and the director renounced his +professional ambitions and went back to his old job as market reporter +on an undertaker's weekly.</p> + +<p>"Oh, thank you so much," spoke the ugly old soul to Gud.</p> + +<p>"For what?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"For the beautiful sentiments of the picture," she replied.</p> + +<p>"But that wasn't a picture," corrected Gud, "that was reality."</p> + +<p>"What are you saying?" queried the old soul, "I was blind, you know, and +didn't hear very well either."</p> + +<p>"Oh, nothing," said Gud. "I am glad you enjoyed it." For he saw that she +had taken reality for romance, which is a far more beautiful illusion +than taking romance for reality. So Gud went quietly on his way.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LVIII" id="Chapter_LVIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LVIII</span></h2> + + +<p>And Gud overtook a thief who had stolen an ocean and loaded it into a +wagon which he had hitched to a star. The thief was making a poor +getaway, for the wagon was leaking badly and was dropping clues at every +step.</p> + +<p>To avoid being drowned in the drippings, Gud turned into an unexplored +dimension, but before he could get his bearings he was run down by an +insane comet collector, who was madly chasing a comet that was buzzing +dangerously near an incandescent sun—so hot that its nearest molecules +were farther apart than the hearts of a bigamist's wives.</p> + +<p>To avoid the net of the comet collector Gud hid himself in an ethereal +cavern. There he found a spiritual paleontologist at work reconstructing +extinct souls from the merest fossil fragments.</p> + +<p>Gud picked up a tiny fragment and asked the paleontologist what manner +of soul it had been.</p> + +<p>The paleontologist scrutinized it through his confounded monocle and +replied: "It is a bit of ectoplasm from the soul of a woman killed by +curiosity. She was forever asking her lovers, 'How much do you love +me?'"</p> + +<p>The paleontologist now reached up to a geometrical plane and brought +down another small fossil. "Observe," said he, "the marking on this +other bit of petrified ectoplasm, and note how the two differ."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I see," said Gud, "what is that one?"</p> + +<p>"That," replied the paleontologist, "is a fragment of the aura of a +woman who wished to be loved for herself alone."</p> + +<p>"It is very interesting," agreed Gud, "but tell me why those two +completed models on the nebulous shelf behind you look so +argumentative."</p> + +<p>"Ah," said the paleontologist, "they are the pride of my collection, +being the reconstruction of two friendly enemies. One was the soul of a +deist and the other the soul of an atheist, and they argued and argued +through one eternity after another. They argued not wisely but too well, +for each finally converted the other, and the deist became an atheist +and the atheist became a deist. Then they started arguing all over +again. But before the atheist who had become a deist could convert the +deist who had become an atheist back to deism, or the deist who had +become an atheist could convert the atheist who had become a deist back +to atheism, the astral plane was rotated into a cosmic epizoid, +resulting in a cataclysm that buried these two poor souls in an +avalanche of metaphysical debris which was stratified under the radiant +pressure, just as we find it here."</p> + +<p>"It is very wonderful," said Gud, "but why do you probe into secrets of +the dead past when there are so many living souls existing in poverty of +hopes or a sorrow of memories?"</p> + +<p>The paleontologist removed the confounded monocle from his eye, and +wiped the lens with a bit of chamois skin.</p> + +<p>"I am no base utilitarian," said he, "but a pure scientist seeking truth +for truth's sake."</p> + +<p>"Well," said Gud, "a good deal of it isn't worth seeking for any other +reason. Do you know I have often wondered what any one would do with all +the truth if he did find it—for my part I have never been able to make +use of half I possessed."</p> + +<p>"But you misunderstand the aims of pure science. We scientists have no +use for truth either, after we have found it; but the search for truth +raises us above the base utilitarian."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Gud, "pure science is all right in its place, but you wipe +the lens of your confounded monocle with a chamois skin, and how could +one get chamois skin unless there were farmers and butchers and skinners +and tanners to farm, butcher, skin and tan the chamois?"</p> + +<p>"Mere hewers of wood and drawers of water," repeated the pure scientist +with disdain, "let them serve truth and searchers after truth; for +knowledge is power and the truth shall make us free."</p> + +<p>"Free of what?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>But the paleontologist did not answer, for he had spied another bit of +fossilized ectoplasm and was readjusting his confounded monocle so that +he might examine it, to see if it were part of the fragment of the soul +of the infant prodigy who had mastered calculus before it cut its canine +teeth, or merely another piece of that soul of the man who had gone +spiritually to pieces when he met his fame.</p> + +<p>Alas, it was neither but something worse, and so Gud asked what it was.</p> + +<p>"It is the fragment," replied the paleontologist, "of the soul of an old +maid who committed suicide because she could not live in eternal doubt."</p> + +<p>"And what did she doubt?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Her virtue."</p> + +<p>"And why did she doubt that?"</p> + +<p>"Because she suffered from a dual personality complicated by amnesia."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see," said Gud, "she wanted to know how the other half lived."</p> + +<p>"No, no," protested the fossil collector, "she was not a sociologist but +one of the minor female poets who specialize in ballads in the romantic +manner. See, here is one of her manuscripts that she had translated so +that she could take it with her."</p> + +<p>"Translated into what?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Into spirit language," said the paleontologist, "and if you read it you +will see for yourself how very spiritual it is."</p> + +<p>Gud took the poem and glanced at the first line. "Pardon me," he said, +"but is there a graveyard handy?"</p> + +<p>"As you should judge for yourself," replied the paleontologist, "from +the number of bones I have been digging up, this place itself was once a +graveyard."</p> + +<p>"All things that were can be again," said Gud, as he turned back the +wheel of time until he came into the graveyard as it was in the days of +its prosperity.</p> + +<p>Seeing that he was in the respectable part of the graveyard, Gud +hastened to walk down the hill to the less respectable portion. +Experience had taught him that in the part of a graveyard where rich men +are buried he was likely to be annoyed by relatives who felt they had +been cheated in the wills and were anxious to have resurrections +performed.</p> + +<p>As Gud strolled through the disreputable portion of the cemetery he came +upon a man who was sitting on a grave and weeping bitterly.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LIX" id="Chapter_LIX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LIX</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The Gods of the Gallows ride tonight<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Their shadowy faces spotted white.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The creature who watches through the bars<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hears every footfall under the stars.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The gods of the gallows need no rest—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They ride like chieftains—twelve abreast.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And now they have vanished, leaving hope,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a thing that hangs at the end of a rope.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Under the lattice a rosebud trembles, a rosebud trembles gently....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Under the trees the shadows fall<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In a silver pool by the garden wall;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then here and there among the trees<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wind whispers rouse low litanies.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like tiny voices of tongueless grief<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That stir the silence of every leaf.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And who would know that under the lattice, under the lattice window,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where the rosebud stirred like a startled fawn,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Two hands are creeping up the wall,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Two hands that are slim and white and small?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And who can hear the lattice open, the lattice open gently?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Now over the lip of the window sill,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A rustle of silks, the lattice closes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No one has heard, the night is still,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Save unblossomed buds of the startled roses.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet were attentive ears to hearken: enemy ears to listen<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Far off, far off, where the white road bends,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the upturned cup of the blue sky ends,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They might have heard a horse's hoofs<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Go clickity, clickity, clickity hack, clickity hack, clickity ...<br /></span> +<span class="i2">clickity ... clickity ... hack<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wisely wondered why late at night<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So speedy a horseman rode its back....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then the echo dimmed at the edge of a wood,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the sound and the horse were gone for good.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The creature who watches through the bars<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Heard every footfall under the stars.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Beside the doorway of his cell<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Imprisoned in that iron hell,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He taunted the guards of the King—the King's own guards they were—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With scarlet breeches and purple coats,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shining buckles upon their boots.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He taunted them with sneering jests.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He sneered at the medals on their breasts;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Laughed in the haughty captain's face,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cut short the chaplain's plea for grace,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And hummed the popular air of the day<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When they read the sentence, and bade him pray.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I promised her at our final tryst,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When our aching bodies clung and kissed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That come what may, no matter when<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I should see her to tell her I love her again."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And he laughed through the bars<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In a redcoat's face,<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then he looked through the window<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Up at the stars,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And saw that the dawn was taking place.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'll be returning ere the dusk is down,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'll be returning....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wait for me!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'll be returning though life claims<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Allegiance under lying rames.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">This was the song he sang for her—for her this song he sang.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">So there by the pool where the rose leaves drift.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She waited knowing the dawn was near,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when she saw the shadows lift<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And all the skies turn deep and clear,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She fled to her room—he had not come.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They dared not speak to her of him,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Her mother, her sister—aye, any of them.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For her face was carven out of stone<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And her little lips made moan, made moan.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Yet late that night when the house was still<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She heard a horse ride over the hill.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"It is he, it is he," her heart sang sweet.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then out of the window climbed to meet<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The lover who made her hot heart beat.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yes there he was with his handsome head,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And now the same dear things he said<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As he drew close with a sweep of his arm.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The gods of the gallows need no rest—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They ride like chieftains twelve abreast.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">One flower touched as she fluttered by,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Swung on its stem,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And one bright star in the purple sky<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shone over them.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And what he said, it matters not,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor what she said to him.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And he stopped to listen like one who is stirred;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His horse even hearkened, as though he heard.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For down the road there came abreast<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Twelve men in ancient armor dressed.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There was something strange in the way they rode;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There was something odd in their manners.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They did not see the lovers there,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor heed the house at all,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But they rode like mad their horses backs....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Rode through the solid wall.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When she had opened her frightened eyes<br /></span> +<span class="i0">What was her pitiful heart's surprise<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To find him gone<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the yellow dawn<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A roaring flame in the new day's skies.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And now they have vanished leaving hope,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a thing that hangs at the end of a rope.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They found her there<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In a little heap<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As though she had walked<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In her lilied sleep.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And they never knew,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Though her mother said:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"It's a pity, so,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With her lover dead<br /></span> +<span class="i0">On the gallows' tree<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Three days ago...."<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LX" id="Chapter_LX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LX</span></h2> + + +<p>"Why do you weep?" asked Gud, "since most of these dead ones will go to +Hell anyway."</p> + +<p>The man did not answer but kept on weeping. So Gud paused to read the +epitaph on the tombstone of the grave on which the man was sitting. The +inscription was: "IN THIS GRAVE LIE THE DAMNED SOULS OF UNBAPTIZED +BABES."</p> + +<p>"Come," said Gud, shaking the weeping man by the shoulder. "If your +child wasn't baptized it ought to be damned, but there is no use weeping +about it."</p> + +<p>"I never had a child," said the man, "but if I were going to have one, I +would take no chances, for I would call the priest before I sent for the +doctor."</p> + +<p>"Then why are you weeping?" repeated Gud.</p> + +<p>"Not over the contents of this grave, I assure you, but because of the +contents of that grave there by the creek's edge."</p> + +<p>"Is a relative of yours buried there?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"He was no relative of mine," said the man. "And yet I am weeping +because he is dead, and you would weep, too, if you were in my boots. +You see, I am the hangman and I hanged that man only a fortnight ago."</p> + +<p>"Ah, ha!" said Gud, "you hanged an innocent man!"</p> + +<p>"Indeed I did not! And if I wept over every innocent man I have hanged, +I would never have time to clean the scaffold. But I hanged that man for +a petty crime that was never committed."</p> + +<p>"And you weep?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"I weep," said the hangman, "because since I hanged him, we have +discovered that he was guilty of a great crime for which I hanged +another man a year ago."</p> + +<p>"Then you are weeping for the other man?"</p> + +<p>"No, no!" retorted the hangman, growing quite angry, "I am weeping +because, having hanged this man for a petty crime which was never +committed, I cannot hang him now for I have already hanged the other +man."</p> + +<p>"At last I understand," said Gud, greatly relieved, "and I think I can +help you out. Go get your rope and call your citizens!"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXI" id="Chapter_LXI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXI</span></h2> + + +<p>As he was sitting one night by a campfire waiting for the beans to boil, +Gud picked up a newspaper. Glancing over the advertisements, his eye +fell on this item:</p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Partner Wanted</span>: Fine opportunity for experienced deity to share +control of fully evolved world. Will call at any address to +give details.—I. B. <span class="smcap">Devil</span>.</p></blockquote> + +<p>This interested Gud, for his vacation was getting irksome. So he called +Fidu and let him sniff the advertisement and said: "Go get him!"</p> + +<p>Fidu immediately hit the trail through the great darkness, baying +beautifully.</p> + +<p>When the Underdog returned there followed at his heels a handsome Devil.</p> + +<p>Gud shook hands with his caller and, removing the pot of beans from the +hot rocks in the center of the fire, asked him to be seated.</p> + +<p>The Devil, throwing off his cape, sat down in the flames and poked his +feet comfortably into the glowing coals.</p> + +<p>"You are very considerate," said the Devil, as he took out his pipe and +filled the bowl with brimstone; "most fellows of your ilk would let me +shiver or make me start my own fire."</p> + +<p>"Don't mention it," said Gud. "You have, I believe, a partnership +proposition."</p> + +<p>"That I have," returned the Devil, "but first may I ask how you came to +be out of employment?"</p> + +<p>"I smashed everything," explained Gud, "and quit business. The place got +too big to be handled easily and I couldn't get efficient help. I +thought I would retire, or at least take a long vacation; but you know +how that goes, we are all creatures of habit."</p> + +<p>"Yes," agreed the Devil, "many of us are like that. We try to do too +much, and get discouraged and throw up everything. However, I have +always been a hard worker and rather liked it."</p> + +<p>"But you are out of a job now," said Gud significantly, "and before I +can talk business I will have to know why."</p> + +<p>"Certainly," said the Devil, "I am out of employment for the very +excellent reason that my god died."</p> + +<p>"What! You don't mean it?"</p> + +<p>"Why not? You fellows don't want to take your immortality too seriously. +It's a necessary pose, of course, as a matter of business; but you see +my god was really very old. He had a premonition, too, and very +thoughtfully left me a letter of recommendation. Would you like to see +it?"</p> + +<p>"Thanks, but I never look at letters of recommendation. I have written +too many of them. But tell me about this death of your employer."</p> + +<p>"My partner, you mean," corrected the Devil. "Of course, I was only the +junior partner, but I had a share in the loot. As I said, this chap was +old and had won and lost many realms. I was with him on his final +venture, running a hell as usual, and a purgatory on the side—the heavy +end of the job, I call it, on that three-realm theology. This old god +had nothing to do but sit up there surrounded by his angels—yes, he +really had angels, old-fashioned place, you know—and wait for the +resurrection when I was to deliver up his share of the loot from +purgatory, and the Chief Arch was to blast the sleepers out of their +graves."</p> + +<p>"That's a bit muddled," remarked Gud.</p> + +<p>"I grant it, but we had it arranged that way. Well, we got everything +ready and I turned the crowd out of purgatory as per agreement; and the +Arch blasted out the sleeping souls, and they all went trooping into +heaven, demanding to see their god.</p> + +<p>"It was a sorry affair, all those countless souls who had lived and +died, and some of them had suffered in purgatory for eons. And finally +they came trooping into heaven and no god in sight.</p> + +<p>"They sent an angel down for me, for the situation was beyond those harp +playing satellites. I found that the old god had died peacefully in his +sleep, leaving the letter for me and a proper will drawn up, but he was +dead.</p> + +<p>"I fixed up a double and set him on the throne to keep the crowd quiet +while I stood behind a screen to prompt him. But some disgruntled little +wing flapper betrayed us and the fraud got out. The crowd stopped +squabbling about their gowns and harps, and dropped their hymn books and +stared up at us.</p> + +<p>"It makes me sad yet when I think about it. I have roasted them and +flayed them and boiled them without mercy; all that was nothing like +seeing the disappointed expression in the eyes of those poor souls, all +arrayed in their new celestial gowns and with harps in hand, staring +like little lost children up at a dummy on the throne, and wailing +because their god was dead!"</p> + +<p>"When did all this happen?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"A long while ago—like you, I've been on a vacation. The fact was that +experience gave me a distaste for my profession. But you know how it is. +We are all creatures of habit, as you say, and there are ups and downs +in all business. I feel now that it is about time I got back to +work—especially since I discovered this virgin world. With that we can +start all over, everything new, all our experience to help us, and the +likelihood of good luck this time by the law of averages."</p> + +<p>"Right you are," agreed Gud, "there is nothing like work. A shoemaker +should stick to his last and die with his hammer in his hand. Yes, I +think I will consider your proposition. Where is this property you speak +of?"</p> + +<p>"In the eighth plane."</p> + +<p>"The eighth plane!" repeated Gud incredulously. "My dear fellow, there +are only seven planes!"</p> + +<p>"That's just it; it's being in a place where it could not be explains +why it is still there."</p> + +<p>"A fascinating tale," said Gud dubiously, "but how can mortals stay +rational and civilized if they do not know that we exist, or that there +are immortal joys and torments awaiting for them after they are through +with their brief span of mortality?"</p> + +<p>"Now I can't answer that question as to theory, but I can report my +observation of the fact that they manage it very decently well."</p> + +<p>"It seems incredible to me," sighed Gud.</p> + +<p>"It doesn't to me," replied the Devil, "for if I were mortal I would +surely make the best of the life I had instead of pining and worrying +about another, which, as you know for yourself, is never quite up to +mortal expectations."</p> + +<p>The Devil knocked the ash out of the bowl of his pipe on one of the +glowing rocks. "Naturally we haven't as much interest as you have in +keeping the superstition alive, since we have the dirty end of the deal. +But you know very well that you can't do business without us. It has +been repeatedly demonstrated that mortals quickly lose interest in those +one-sided theologies which, like their own Utopias, are insipid with +perfect goodness and boresome with joy. What pleasure could there be in +hoping to go to an eternal sunparlor without knowing that one's neighbor +was going to hell?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, I grant that argument, but this virgin world of yours is +hardly plausible."</p> + +<p>"Holy comets!" exclaimed the Devil, springing up angrily, "do you doubt +my observation or my veracity?"</p> + +<p>"Both," said Gud.</p> + +<p>"We are wasting words. If you will step this way you can see for +yourself."</p> + +<p>"Just a moment," said Gud, who then arose and set the pot back on the +hot rocks, and commanded Fidu to tend the fire and not to spill the +beans.</p> + +<p>"Watch your step," called back the Devil. "There are some ugly holes in +the void beyond the seventh plane."</p> + +<p>"How is that for a sphere?" spoke the Devil as he pointed out his find.</p> + +<p>"Not half bad," admitted Gud, "but it's a little flat at the poles. +Strictly speaking, it is a spheroid."</p> + +<p>"Don't quibble over details. And now, if you don't mind, I'll +materialize as a prosperous gentleman and you can be my cane-bearer."</p> + +<p>"Not on your smoke," retorted Gud, "you advertised for a partner. We +materialize as equals or we stop right here."</p> + +<p>"Have it your way. I'll be a king in exile, and you can be a bricklayer +on strike."</p> + +<p>So in that guise they stepped aboard, taking care to alight on the north +pole to avoid the chance of an ugly fall.</p> + +<p>"Which way, now?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"South. We must obey their natural laws."</p> + +<p>So they traveled south to the equator, passing along the seashore where +the thriving cities were. As Gud walked along between the Devil and the +deep blue sea he saw many things that were never intended for him to +see.</p> + +<p>"Now," said the Devil, "we have seen the northern hemisphere, and the +southern one is just like it."</p> + +<p>"I am quite interested," admitted Gud.</p> + +<p>"Then let us step up the side of this volcano where we can both be +comfortable while we close our deal."</p> + +<p>So they climbed the volcano and the Devil found a seat on a heap of +freshly crusted lava, and Gud sat down on a nearby glacier.</p> + +<p>"First," began the Devil, "I would ask you if they had any souls?"</p> + +<p>"Not a soul," admitted Gud. "One could see it in their eyes."</p> + +<p>"And what about evidence of proprietorship?"</p> + +<p>Gud picked up a rock and examined it critically. "I see no evidence of +design," he confessed.</p> + +<p>"And how about their rationality?"</p> + +<p>"That's what worries me. They are entirely too rational. If we try to +give them souls they might reject them."</p> + +<p>"I can solve that," laughed the Devil. "Give the souls to the females +first."</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed Gud, "that has never been heard of. To give them all +souls at once is quite as radical a move as I could consider."</p> + +<p>"Well, I won't quibble over details. How long will it take you to fix up +your pace?"</p> + +<p>"I should say it would take me an eon."</p> + +<p>"Make it an epoch."</p> + +<p>"Oh, very well."</p> + +<p>"And how do you propose to divide the booty? Would you be satisfied with +predestination on a fifty-fifty split?"</p> + +<p>"I would not," returned Gud decisively. "I consider such collusion to +suppress competition most unprofessional. I will give them a revelation, +you can plant seeds of doubt and temptation, and we will divide on the +usual tests of faith."</p> + +<p>"But what about those that pass over without hearing the revelation?"</p> + +<p>"I get them on the mercy clause," said Gud.</p> + +<p>"That's too liberal," replied the Devil, "and you know it; they belong +to me by right of original sin. If you insist on taking them we will +call the whole deal off."</p> + +<p>"Let's compromise on transmigration and reincarnate them till they do +hear my revelation. It will mean quite a saving in the stock of new +souls, for we will have to buy them. I was never good at designing +home-made souls; I could never get them of even size, and the big ones +were always knocking the little ones about."</p> + +<p>"Very well," agreed the Devil, who was anxious to get going. "Order the +souls when you get ready."</p> + +<p>Just then the volcano conveniently erupted and dematerialized the king +in exile and the bricklayer on strike.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXII" id="Chapter_LXII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXII</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Once Gud sat all alone<br /></span> +<span class="i0">High on his shining throne.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Devil had been driven<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Flaming out of heaven;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And this was eons after<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Gud suddenly burst with laughter,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Remembering with a shout<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A story the Devil told<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Before they drove him out—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">(Though even then 'twas old)<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXIII" id="Chapter_LXIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXIII</span></h2> + + +<p>I. B. Devil paced restlessly about in his brand new Hell. Everything was +running in apple pie order, but not a soul in torment. That fact worried +him, for it had been nearly two generations since Gud had planted the +souls. He had done it well, had plunged the busy sphere into a day of +thick darkness. There had been a mad howling and babble among the +conceited rationals until the whole race of them had tumbled in their +tracks and fallen into a profound slumber. It was then that the souls +were planted.</p> + +<p>One of Gud's newly employed assistants had made the count of the +mortals, and the Devil had marvelled at his accuracy, for there were +only six souls left over. These Gud had laughingly handed to the Devil, +who had given them to six of his firemen—appreciative chaps they were, +and it hadn't spoiled them, this thing of having two souls.</p> + +<p>After the soul planting was finished, the Devil and Gud had parted +cordially enough. They had agreed it was best not to be seen together +after that. By the agreement Gud was first to visit the sphere alone and +give out his revelation, and the Devil was then to make one visit to sow +doubts and temptations.</p> + +<p>The Devil had glanced at Gud's revelation most casually; it seemed quite +ordinary—old stuff, and he had been rather careless in planting his +doubts and temptations. The competition had looked easy. But now two +generations had passed on the sphere and not a soul had arrived for +torment.</p> + +<p>The Devil was profoundly puzzled. He wondered if Gud had been unethical +and double-crossed him with a spurious revelation, getting out another +one later with utterly different beliefs and morals, so that the doubts +and temptations were thus all obsoleted. This possibility made the Devil +furious, for it was plausible enough—yet that Gud chap had seemed such +a fair and simple sort!</p> + +<p>Half a dozen times the Devil started to go up and see about it—yet, had +he not pledged his own incombustibility on his keeping away from the +sphere after the first visit? He had been a simple fool, and here he was +with a fully equipped hell on his hands and a big payroll to meet and +the best of his helpers deserting right and left, because they were +bored with idleness. As good a hell as ever burned brimstone and not a +soul to roast!</p> + +<p>Drearily enough, the Devil began his rounds again. He had to keep the +boys cheered up. How he wished that he had not been so democratic and +told them just when things had been started on the sphere. The best he +could do now, was to lie out of that and claim that this was just a +trial run. But he could see that many of his once loyal helpers had +utterly lost faith in his leadership. He had been proud of those +helpers, some of the brightest demons in the game. He had bid them off +good jobs in older hells by promises of greater freedom to try out their +own ideas. In that way he had obtained a superior set of tortures for +special sins. But now no souls—and half his demons deserted and the +cleverest of his torture machines rusting from lack of use.</p> + +<p>At last he could stand it no longer, and he went back to his private +chambers. Telling his valet that he was not to be disturbed, he locked +the door and took a sleeping potion gauged for a century.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Boom! Boom! Boom!</p> + +<p>I. B. Devil awoke and tried to stretch himself, but he was so stiff he +could hardly move. Cold, icy cold penetrated his very bones. He managed +at last to sit up on the edge of his couch, and then the chamber door +fell in before the battering ram of the last of his faithful followers. +Six shivering demons piled into the chamber—the six grateful firemen to +whom he had given the extra souls.</p> + +<p>"The last of the fires are out, Your Majesty, and all the others have +deserted."</p> + +<p>"But why," demanded the Devil, "did you not keep my private furnace +fired? We shall all freeze to death."</p> + +<p>"But, Your Majesty, there is no one to work the mines. Do you not +remember that you arranged for them to be worked by the souls of scabs +who were to be killed by strikers?"</p> + +<p>"Another blunder," sighed the Devil. "Well, there is a grate and in that +case yonder is my private stock of smoking brimstone. Light it, for I +must get thawed out so I can think."</p> + +<p>The two-souled firemen hastened to obey and the seven of them were soon +sitting around the spluttering blue flames and inhaling the delicious +vapors.</p> + +<p>The Devil got out a set of heavy, asbestos furs, smiling as he recalled +for whom he had ordered them. He had intended to keep her in his private +chamber to light his pipe and brew his tea—and he had chuckled many a +time at the thought of her in summer furs.</p> + +<p>He laid the furs on a chair and went to his desk and wrote busily for a +few minutes.</p> + +<p>"Now, boys," he said, "here are your passes for mortality, and remember +you have two souls."</p> + +<p>The firemen vanished and the Devil was alone in Hell.</p> + +<p>He drew on the furs and wrapped his own travelling cape about them. Then +he went into the outer chamber. Across the room the windows, into which +usually shone the cheery redness of roaring flames, were now frosted +with weird designs, and the fireproof platinum fittings on the great +door were hoary white.</p> + +<p>Slowly the Devil trudged across the chill chamber and, with a fur-clad +hand, grasped the frosted handle, swung open the great door, and stepped +out on the balcony.</p> + +<p>For a moment he was blinded by the dazzling, sparkling white. He +stumbled over some object and bent down to find the huddled form of a +demon frozen stiff as an ice idol. It was poor little Beezel, who had +come all the way from the hell of the three-ringed planet to try out his +new scheme of torture for trigamists.</p> + +<p>I. B. Devil stepped lightly over his frozen disciple and went to the +balcony rail. Shading his eyes until they became accustomed to the white +glare, he now looked far up and down the wide stretches of his domain, +puzzled, dumbfounded and subdued. The water mains that supplied the +steam baths had burst and flooded the place, and all hell was frozen +over!</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>I. B. Devil leaped from the balustrade and straight as an arrow shot +upward to Gud's Paradise.</p> + +<p>He paused for a moment only outside the portals to discard the furs he +wore, then he pushed open the great unguarded gate and stepped inside.</p> + +<p>It was a goodly heaven, vast and beautiful and shining in its new-made +emptiness.</p> + +<p>I. B. Devil did not pause for admiration, but went straightway to Gud's +private office and kicked open the door. There was no one there. Beside +the larger desk was a lesser one, and on this lay a powder puff and a +small mirror. The Devil stepped to the file cabinet, flung it open; and +with uncanny accuracy reached in, pulled out the carbon copy of the +order for souls, and read:</p> + +<p>"In accordance with your quotation, you may ship us at once three +billion mortal souls."</p> + +<p>"Poor old chap," mused the Devil, "I should never have trusted one."</p> + +<p>Then he stepped outside and mounted to the throne of Gud. There he found +a note pinned to the upholstery. It read: "We have gone to Hell."</p> + +<p>The Devil went back to the portal of Gud's heaven and picked up the +furs: "I guess," he said, "I had better take them down to her."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>But Gud let her go to Hell alone, for in the course of their headlong +flight, he heard the faint sound of far off barking. Wheeling in the +ether Gud made straight for the campfire, where he had left Fidu +watching the beans.</p> + +<p>"Did the beans boil over?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"No, indeed," said Fidu, in his best dog language, "but you were gone so +long that I caught a nice wild boar so that there is pork in the beans."</p> + +<p>"Don't you know, Fidu," admonished Gud, "that I disapprove of eating +pork?"</p> + +<p>"But," said Fidu, "this was a vegetarian pig, for he was rooting for +peanuts when I caught him."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXIV" id="Chapter_LXIV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXIV</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There are figures in the shadow but the shadow hides the faces,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And their silence is a subject that must flagellate the flesh.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There are hands and arms that touch you with their lingering embraces<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Like the petals of clipped flowers still miraculously fresh.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There are voices through the darkness 'round which darkness swiftly<br /></span> +<span class="i2">closes;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Remembered words and phrases that are only lost in death,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Heard within some misted twilight in a garden filled with roses<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As though our own youth whispered with its awed and hollow breath.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There is nothing in the shadow that will satisfy our quest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For each shore that's undiscovered has been lined with molding wrecks,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And if we should burst on Beauty with her healing hands of rest<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Life would bind us down in duty to some slavery of sex.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There is something quite sardonic in the race's old ideals,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the struggle for their gaining is derisive as a jest....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He who prays unto his Godhead will be wiped out as he kneels,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While the wonders of decay will destroy all the rest.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We are grinding in the shadow for the glory of the ages,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Though no hope of immortality has ever come to stay;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet each human soul is fretting at the bars of separate cages<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hearing rhythms of tomorrow in the discords of today.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">All the ones who started seeking when the game was strange and new,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">See the beauty of believing lost in wonders of deceit<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There is truth in every vision, but the day is hardly through,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ere the night is all around us with her silence and defeat.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There is dogma, there is duty in the urge of dead emotion<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Through the worshipped gods of yesterday the present gods exist<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hid away among our temples for the dreams of our devotion<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The alters of the ages in their ruins still persist.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Let the mothers bear their children for the centuries to come<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There is truth in adoration for the thing that is adored<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And if all the many answers on the lips of life are dumb<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At least the coming children may be murdered for the Lord.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXV" id="Chapter_LXV"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXV</span></h2> + + +<p>After Gud had regaled himself on pork and beans he laid down under a +deadly nightshade tree and fell asleep. As he slept a worm happened +along and stepped on Gud, and Gud turned.</p> + +<p>"Pardon," said the worm, "but I did not notice you until you turned. You +see I was very preoccupied, for I have just returned from the Diet of +Worms, which was called by the Conqueror Worm to suppress a book. As +soon as I heard that a book had been suppressed I went in search of a +copy. I found one in the Master's chamber of a deserted mansion of the +newly cultured. I carefully chewed it up and removed the fragments to my +nest, where I pieced them together again."</p> + +<p>"What kind of book is it?" asked Gud. "I am rather fond of forbidden +books."</p> + +<p>"It is a book of etiquette," replied the worm, "and if you will promise +me not to mark it up or tear out any choice passages, I will lend you my +copy."</p> + +<p>So Gud sat down upon a gravel and the worm climbed a stalk of timothy +and handed Gud the book; but it was so badly patched up that he could +not read it.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps," suggested the worm, "I should read it to you. See, this is +the table of contents. It says:</p> + +<p>"'How to shake hands with gloves on.</p> + +<p>"'How to introduce people who already know each other.</p> + +<p>"'How to steal postage stamps without having a guilty conscience.</p> + +<p>"'How to dance without knowing how.</p> + +<p>"'How to pretend to understand relativity.</p> + +<p>"'What to wear if you don't like spats.</p> + +<p>"'How to tell a risque story in the presence of a minister.</p> + +<p>"'How to get rich without making your friends envious.</p> + +<p>"'How to catch large fish with little worms.'</p> + +<p>"Ah," cried the worm, "that is the very line that caused the Diet of +Worms to suppress the book, for that is an allusion to the bitter truth +that worms are put on hooks to catch fish. We worms, who know that in +the end we shall conquer man himself, do not like to be reminded that in +the meanwhile man may use us for fish bait."</p> + +<p>Gud smiled at the thought that the worms could only suppress the truth, +whereas he could change it. So he made it to be that men should no +longer put worms on hooks to catch fish, but should henceforth put fish +on hooks to catch worms. That is how came the great sport of worming; +and some of the worm tales men tell do not need to be suppressed, for +there is no truth in them.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXVI" id="Chapter_LXVI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXVI</span></h2> + + +<p>And now Gud came to a place where the ether was as thick as coal tar. It +was so dark that Fidu could not even imagine a moon, and Gud could not +see any reason for existence.</p> + +<p>Just as he had about decided that there would never be any more light, +Gud saw a wee small flicker shining in the inky void, as might an +invisible star if there never had been brighter stars to pale its flame.</p> + +<p>Hastening on Gud and Fidu came upon the source of light and found it to +be a man with a torch in his hand who was very much occupied in +searching for something.</p> + +<p>"Have you lost anything?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"No," replied the man, "but I am looking for something."</p> + +<p>"I shall be glad to assist you," offered Gud, "and my dog here is very +good in locating lost articles; so if you will kindly tell us what you +are looking for we will help you find it."</p> + +<p>"I am looking," replied the man, "for creation's dawn and the end of all +things. I also wish to find the unknowable first cause and the eternal +varieties and the limits of space. I am searching for the cause of hope, +the reason for despair, the explanation of love and the excuse for +crime. I am seeking a reason for all that is, and a cause for all that +ever was and an accurate prophesy of all that ever will be. I am also +hunting for the fundamental principles, the absolute truth, the laws of +nature, the theories of science, the hypotheses of metaphysics, the +interpretations of creeds, the aims of arts and the melodies of songs +that have never been sung. And I do wish so to locate all the unknown +stars, and trace all the lost comets, and determine what kept the +heavens in order before the law of gravitation was enacted. But most of +all I want to find out why my wife thinks I am a fool to be out here +looking for these things."</p> + +<p>"If you do not object to a little operation," said Gud, "I can find all +these things for you and show you where they all are."</p> + +<p>Then without waiting for the man to reply, Gud caused a deep sleep to +fall upon him, and straightway Gud opened up the man's skull and took +out his brains and laid them upon a platter.</p> + +<p>When the man awoke he looked upon his own brains and saw that they were +very much like calf's brains, except that they were more convoluted and +sutured.</p> + +<p>"And why is this platter set before me?" demanded the man as he stood +there gazing upon his own brains.</p> + +<p>"Because," replied Gud, "therein lies what you were looking for, and you +need search no further, for it is all there and much more besides."</p> + +<p>"So, so," said the man, "I see it all, and now I shall go home to my +wife and find if a child has been born unto her while I have been away."</p> + +<p>"Then," said Gud, "would you give me your torch, since you will not be +needing it longer?"</p> + +<p>The man did so; and after he had gone, Gud took the torch and set the +darkness on fire.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXVII" id="Chapter_LXVII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXVII</span></h2> + + +<p>Once more Gud walked along the Impossible Curve, which had now become +more impossible than ever.</p> + +<p>Gud was lonely, for he missed his faithful companion, the Underdog, whom +he had sold into slavery. His heart was filled with grief, and remorse +preyed upon his soul, and Gud resolved never again to be ungrateful and +never to be unkind, and to grant to all creatures their wishes and to +help them to realize their hearts' desires and make their dreams come +true.</p> + +<p>In his sorrow and loneliness Gud walked on until his feet were sore and +he was athirst. Then he came to a flowing fountain of pure water. He +paused and kneeled at the fountain. When he had quenched his thirst, he +removed his sandals and bathed his feet in the stream that flowed from +the fountain.</p> + +<p>Then Gud laid himself down by the fountain and fell asleep, and dreamed +that a beautiful bubble appeared on the surface of the fountain.</p> + +<p>The bubble which Gud saw in his dream was iridescent with a great +iridescence; for the colors of the bubble were many and they were ever +changing, so that it was never twice alike.</p> + +<p>In the iridescence of the bubble Gud saw the essence of transcendent +beauty, for its beauty was as the beauty of youth, and as the beauty of +faith, and as the beauty of love, and as the beauty of a woman, when she +is young and has faith and a longing for more love than she has found.</p> + +<p>As Gud looked upon the beauty of the bubble, he saw that it was no +longer a bubble, for it had become a woman of flesh and blood, and hope +and love and beauty. And he saw that she looked upon him with faith and +trust. This pleased Gud, so he spoke in his dream to the woman of his +dream and said: "Who art thou and what wouldst thou of me?"</p> + +<p>And the woman replied, "Oh, Gud, I am a searcher after mysteries that +have not been revealed and things which can not be understood. And I am +sore distressed because I have looked and have found them not."</p> + +<p>Gud asked, "Have you looked into the mind of man?"</p> + +<p>"I have looked into the mind of man," replied the woman, "and it is very +simple."</p> + +<p>Again Gud asked: "Have you looked into the heart of woman?"</p> + +<p>She replied to Gud and said: "Into the heart of woman have I also +looked, and though it is not so simple, yet do I understand it, for am I +not a woman?"</p> + +<p>"Of a truth you are a woman, and you are very beautiful."</p> + +<p>And she smiled upon Gud, and when she smiled, he vowed that he would +grant her all her wishes and the fulfillment of all her dreams.</p> + +<p>But first he would know who she was, and so he spoke to her again and +said: "Of a truth, and who art thou?"</p> + +<p>And she of the iridescent beauty, which is the beauty that is ever +changing, made answer to Gud: "Of a truth, great Gud, I am no other than +the reader of this book which two men are writing about you."</p> + +<p>"What's this?" asked Gud, for he was much amazed, albeit not displeased, +to hear that Hersey and I were writing this book about him.</p> + +<p>And the iridescent woman said again, "I am the reader of 'The Book of +Gud,' which Dan Spain and Harold Hersey are writing about you."</p> + +<p>"How do you know they are writing it?"</p> + +<p>"I know," said the woman, "because it is common gossip in the Village, +for every one there gossips about anything Hersey has a hand in."</p> + +<p>"Where is this village?" asked Gud, "and who is this Hersey creature?"</p> + +<p>"The Village," she replied, "where Hersey burns his wee small flame, is +South of Fourteenth Street and West of University Place, in the City of +New York, which is the Gateway to the Melting Pot of the Planet Earth in +the Solar System of the Universe."</p> + +<p>"Which universe?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"My universe," said the woman.</p> + +<p>"It must be a nice one, but what do you wish that I should do for you?"</p> + +<p>"What I wish," said she (who is none other than the reader of this book) +"is to find some great mystery in art or literature or in some psychic +science; and I wish that you would inspire these men to put something +into 'The Book of Gud' that no one can understand."</p> + +<p>"I will look into the matter," said Gud. And he did.... Then he looked +again into the iridescent eyes of the ever-changing woman and said to +her: "It is useless, for I have searched the soul of that fellow Spain +and he is not an inspired writer but only a disgruntled hack who could +not possibly write anything that you could not understand."</p> + +<p>Whereupon the woman was vexed with disappointment so that she began to +weep, and in the small compass of each tear she shed was the iridescence +of a tiny rainbow. As Gud saw her tears, that they were beautiful, his +heart overflowed with tenderness, and he said with a gentle voice: "I +will try again."</p> + +<p>And now Gud searched the soul of Hersey. His search was not without +reward and when he returned again to the beautiful woman she ceased to +weep, for in his hand she saw that Gud held a poem. Seating himself +beside her, he read her this poem that Hersey had written in the white +heat of inspiration:</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXVIII" id="Chapter_LXVIII"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXVIII</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">She stood there carelessly arrayed<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All in jewelled dress,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And leaning on the balustrade<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She wept with bitterness,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For facing her there stood a maid<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of rival loveliness.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Once she had been indifferent<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To languishment or guile,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But when I argued with intent<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To hold her by a smile,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Upon my eyes her own were bent<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For quite a little while.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The lady raised her fluttering hands.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"The night is cold," she said,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"For tropic men in northern lands,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For old maids still unwed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And for the evil one who stands<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In heaven when he's dead."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">She turned and gazed upon that face<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As lovely as her own,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The poise of beauty and of grace<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That matched her grace alone....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And in that close and silent place<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I heard the lady moan.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I held the lady to my breast<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And kissed her mouth and eyes.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She sighed and snuggled down to rest<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Without the least surprise,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While I told tales of sweet unrest<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That sounded very wise.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"They say I'm mad," she whispered then,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"I weep for dear despair,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No matter where I go, dark men<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Follow me everywhere...."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To quiet her I kissed again<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Her locks of golden hair.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Great God!" she cried with finished grace,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"That woman whom I hate."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I looked and in a mirror's face<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I saw the lady's mate.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then quiet men of that strange place<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Came down the halls of state.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They took the lady tenderly<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Away from sound and sight.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I answered not. It seemed to me<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As though they must be right.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So I smashed the mirror utterly<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And fled into the night.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXIX" id="Chapter_LXIX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXIX</span></h2> + + +<p>And when Gud had finished reading the woman asked: "Is that all?"</p> + +<p>And Gud looked at the poem in his hand and said sorrowfully, "That is +all."</p> + +<p>"But that is quite comprehensible," said the woman, "for it is merely +one of Hersey's usual plagiarisms—a twittering parody of Rossetti's +'THE BLESSED DAMOSEL', and it is so simple."</p> + +<p>"Do you understand it?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"Of course, it merely means that the love of man is insufficient to +satisfy the yearning of woman, and so she must look into the mirror of +her own soul in search of greater spiritual joys. But alas, she is +shadowed by her sex consciousness as reflected in her beauty of the +flesh, and she can not escape that haunting shadow which finally drives +her mad. Is that not simple?"</p> + +<blockquote><p>To D. S.: I protest. This interpretation is entirely +erroneous.—H. H.</p> + +<p>To H. H.: Good God, I know it! but if you had seen what I first +wrote about it you would keep still.—D. S.</p></blockquote> + +<p>"I should say," said Gud, "that it is beautiful simplicity."</p> + +<p>"That is just the trouble with all that these chaps are writing. They +are so keen on the obvious. You see, I can understand all that these men +have written, for it is all explainable by psychoanalysis. It is merely +the symbolism of a suppressed wish to be famous. And, oh Gud, how I do +crave true mystery!"</p> + +<p>"Then," said Gud, "you shall have it, for am I not Gud the Great?"</p> + +<p>"If you are, why do you not inspire these men who are writing this book +about you to put something into the book that no one can understand? +Indeed, if you cannot do that I shall be tempted to believe that you are +not Gud, but only a mere figment of fancy conceived in the brains of two +conceited young egotists who are seeking a cheap notoriety by shocking +decent people with blasphemous literature."</p> + +<p>"I fear you are right."</p> + +<p>"Oh," cried the woman, "then you admit that you are what I said?"</p> + +<p>"Not at all. I merely admit that he is what you said."</p> + +<p>"Really, Gud, you ought to have had some well-known writer do this book +about you—some one who had already been suppressed, or, better yet, a +Russian."</p> + +<p>"Who are the Russians?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"They are the supremists in dancing, the theorists in politics, the +idealists in economics and the realists in literature. But you are +romantic, aren't you, Gud?"</p> + +<p>"I think so. At least I feel so—did you always wear your hair that +way?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no, indeed. You see, I used to wear it shorn like that of a boy, +for that fashion was once the insignia of the female intelligence. But +all the fat bankers' wives aped us, so now our only chance for +distinction is to ape our mothers, and I wear my mother's hair. See, I +will take it off and show it to you."</p> + +<p>"It is very lovely," said Gud, as he fingered her mother's hair. "I +think I should have loved your mother, and it is very sweet of you to +wear this hair in remembrance of her. Most women who have risen to your +intellectual heights forget their mothers."</p> + +<p>"It is very kind of you to say that, but distinction is in being +different, and so we ultra-intelligent women are again showing respect +for our mothers to distinguish us from the mob of the commonplace +intellectuals who came flopping into the pool of progress and muddied +the water.... It is a great race, dear Gud, this struggle to keep ahead +of the apings of the stupid."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, so I find it. Little up-start muddling gods have quite fogged +up the milky way with their nebulous creations—but pardon me if I +suggest that I would rather that you put your mother's hair back on."</p> + +<p>She had some difficulty in putting her mother's hair on straight; so Gud +reached over, and with a few deft touches, arranged it for her. Then, +plucking a button from his robe, he burnished it on his sleeve until it +shone silvery bright, and then he held it before her. She looked into +the mirroring silver and gave a little rapturous cry of joy, for the +hair of her mother, on which they had both wasted so much henna, had +been turned into a brilliant shade of fluorescent opalescence—a color +that no artist of the Latin Quarter had ever painted and that no artist +of the Village had ever imagined.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Gud," she cried, "now I know that I love you, for they will go mad +about it and I shall be the queen of the studios."</p> + +<p>"I would rather that you remain just a woman as you have so sweetly +shown yourself to be."</p> + +<p>"Never!" cried she who wanted something that no one could understand, +"never, never, will I be content to be just a woman! I must be, oh so +much more. I must have super-personality, and hyper-yearnings, and +ultra-strivings and transcendent seekings after ultimate +mysteries—really I don't think you understand me at all!"</p> + +<p>"Has any one ever understood you?" asked Gud.</p> + +<p>"No," she breathed in soft expectancy.</p> + +<p>"Only a little while ago you were searching for something that no one +could understand—have we not found it in yourself?"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps," she spoke dubiously.</p> + +<p>"And if you were in my book, would it not then contain something that no +one could understand?"</p> + +<p>"Do you mean it?" she faltered.</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear child, for whom all writers write, if it will bring me one +more smile from those ever-changing eyes of beauty—I will see that you +are in '<i>The Book of Gud</i>'—if I have to catch these blasphemous scribes +and pound their heads together!"</p> + +<p>"For that promise," said the iridescent lady, "I could love you forever +and a day. To think that we two should be in a book together! Just me +and Gud!</p> + +<p>"And now," she added, in a lower tone, "I'll confess to you why I want +to be in the book. You see, I am supposed to be a literary character and +one has to be in a book to be a literary character, you know."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, I know. I suppose it will make me one also. But now I must +hasten to seek out these mundane scribes, and see to it that they put +you in my book—for they have it about finished."</p> + +<p>"Which one of them do you propose to have write me into the book?"</p> + +<p>"Which one would you prefer?"</p> + +<p>"I hardly know," she said. "That fellow Spain is a woman hater, and I am +afraid he will say something unkind about me. But that Hersey poet +prostitutes his art to flatter women. He has an exaggerated idea of the +importance of the sex consciousness in an intellectual woman's life. +Really, it is a choice between two evils."</p> + +<p>"If that is the way you feel about it," said Gud, "perhaps I had better +write you into the book myself."</p> + +<p>"Could you really? Oh, Gud! I would die of joy to be written by you; not +even a movie actress ever had a celestial press agent!"</p> + +<p>"I'll try," said Gud, "that is, if you will tarry with me as I write."</p> + +<p>"Do you mean that I would inspire you?"</p> + +<p>"Exactly."</p> + +<p>"That is what they all say!"</p> + +<p>"Then it must be true."</p> + +<p>"But why do you not say something original, since you are Gud?"</p> + +<p>"Because I am talking to you."</p> + +<p>"You old brute!"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps so, but a straight line is the shortest distance between two +points."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I like that," cried she who had sought for mystery. "It sounds so +original, and I am sure that no one can understand it—what does it +mean?"</p> + +<p>"It means," said Gud, "that you and I have very much in common that +quite transcends the reach and grasp of men."</p> + +<p>"You flatter me."</p> + +<p>"But really, that is true."</p> + +<p>"Then quick, write it down before you lose the inspiration."</p> + +<p>"But I have nothing on which to write," said Gud.</p> + +<p>She blushed and turned away from him, and tore the whiteness from her +bosom, and turned again toward Gud and handed him the whiteness that had +covered up the secrets of her heart.</p> + +<p>Gud took the whiteness of her bosom and thereupon he began to write, +while she lay down upon the other side of the pool, and hid her bosom +away from Gud, lest, now with its whiteness gone, he might see the color +of her heart.</p> + +<p>And so Gud, who is made in the image of man, became as a man. And as he +wrote he forgot the woman, for when a pen is in the hand of man or god, +the light that lies in woman's eyes burns dim as some brief candle.</p> + +<p>And this indeed is the paradox of all who wield the treacherous weapon: +that man sets out to write, some woman's heart to flutter; and having +struck pen to paper, if there be anything in him that rises o'er the +damp swamp of woman's kisses, then of a truth the instrument that she +put into his hand becomes a knife to sever the cords with which she +sought to bind him.</p> + +<p>Such is the tragedy of her who flutters near while men make words on +paper, that in their youth they write for her; and their youth gone, +they still write on beyond the reaches of her soul.</p> + +<p>And so, as Gud wrote upon the whiteness torn from a woman's bosom, he +forgot quite utterly the woman herself, who lay by the pool trembling +and suffering and trying to hide her heart from Gud.</p> + +<p>And when she saw that he had forgotten her—even though he had told her +he wanted her near him and needed her for inspiration—she suffered so +that her heart died within her, and she shrank and withered and fell +into the pool of the fountain, and, as a brown leaf, floated on the +surface of the water.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXX" id="Chapter_LXX"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXX</span></h2> + + +<p>When Gud had finished that which he was writing he arose and looked +about him. He seemed to be searching for something, but could not recall +what it was, and decided that it was of no importance.</p> + +<p>He drew on his sandals and made ready to go upon his way. But the way +was long and Gud recalled that he had been weary and had been athirst. +So he knelt by the fountain and stooped over it to drink.</p> + +<p>There was a brown leaf floating on the water, but he swished it away and +drank his fill from the flowing fountain. Then Gud arose and girded up +his loins and went on his way along the Impossible Curve.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="Chapter_LXXI" id="Chapter_LXXI"></a><span class="smcap">Chapter LXXI</span></h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I met an old man walking through the sky,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A sort of startled twinkle in his eye.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"And who are you?" asked I.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"I am Gud," replied he, with a frown.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Which one?" I asked, polite but terse,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But without answer he went shrieking down<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The shadowy spaces of the universe.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Book of Gud, by Dan Spain and Harold Hersey + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BOOK OF GUD *** + +***** This file should be named 33501-h.htm or 33501-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/5/0/33501/ + +Produced by Louise Davies, Roger Taft, Mary Meehan and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Book of Gud + +Author: Dan Spain + Harold Hersey + +Release Date: August 22, 2010 [EBook #33501] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BOOK OF GUD *** + + + + +Produced by Louise Davies, Roger Taft, Mary Meehan and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + The Book of Gud + + By Dan Spain and Harold Hersey + +This etext was produced from Main Street, July 1929. Extensive research +did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication +was renewed. + + + _DIP INTO THIS NOVEL ANYWHERE.... It deals with a god in whom + nobody believed, and of his adventures the day after eternity. + For instance, try Chapter XVI._ + + + + +Chapter I + + +One Sunday afternoon I was driving through a sparsely settled region on +the southwest slope of the Catskills. It was growing late and I was +anxious to get back to New York, but I had lost my way. In an attempt to +cut across to the Hudson River road I turned up a poorly traveled lane, +which, after ten miles of going, petered out into a mere abandoned +trail. + +I kept on this for perhaps three miles further without passing a house, +and then came to a low rambling structure half hidden among a grove of +ancient overhanging trees. It was near lamp-lighting time and I was +puzzled to know whether the place was deserted or not. I turned my car +in toward the house, bumped over loose rocks--and my engine died. + +A man appeared on the porch. He was lanky in build, a little stooped, +apparently about forty years of age, and was dressed in a blue flannel +shirt and a pair of corduroy trousers. + +"Can you tell me how far it is to New York?" I asked. + +"Yes." + +"How far is it?" + +"About a hundred miles as the crow flies." + +"But how far is it by automobile?" + +"I don't know," replied the man, who seemed to be better posted on crow +flights than auto travel. + +He offered no further remarks, but stood there indifferently eyeing the +car. + +Curbing my annoyance I inquired: "How do I get out to a good automobile +road?" + +"The way you came in." + +Realizing that I could get no information from this uncivil being, I +pushed the starter--not a sound. I got out and cranked the engine--not a +kick. I looked into my gas tank--not a drop! + +"Where is the nearest gas station?" I demanded. + +"I don't know--I burn kerosene," was the terse reply; and the man turned +and entered the house. + +I tried to recall the last gas station I had passed, and realized it +must have been all of fifteen miles behind. It was now growing dark. I +climbed into the car to think of a way out of my awkward situation, but +all I could think of was that there were sound reasons for abandoned +farms. Then I got to wondering who this queer character was and why he +was living here. + +As I had slept but little the night before, I must have dozed off, for +the next thing I knew, a voice was saying: "Supper is ready." + +I got out of the car and followed the man through a dark hall into a +large, low room, at one end of which a fire was burning briskly in a +huge stone fireplace. In the center of the room was a table where we sat +down to a dinner of delicious hot biscuits and a great pot of honey. + +"These biscuits are fine," I said. + +"They are." + +I ate another in silence. "And the honey is exquisite." + +"It is." + +"Do you keep bees?" + +"Yes, millions of them." + +"Do you keep any other stock?" I asked, thinking a glass of milk would +taste fine. + +"Yes, a blind cat." + +"Do you find the bees profitable?" + +"No, I keep them for company." + +"Why do you live in this lonesome place?" + +"To avoid automobilists." + +I ate three more biscuits, drowned in honey, then the silence became +unbearable. "Do you do anything else besides keep bees?" + +"I read." + +"That is interesting. What do you read?" + +"Books." + +"Ah!" I said, "perhaps you write also." + +"I do." + +"What do you write?" + +"Books." + +We finished the meal in silence, then my host arose and cleared the +table. Meanwhile I wandered about the big room and glanced at the titles +on the bookshelves. I was amazed at the catholicity of his taste. Side +by side, with Godesius was "In His Steps"; leaning against +Schopenhauer's "_Die Welt Als Wille Und Vorstellung_," was a popular +novel of the day. + +Thus made to realize that my host was a person of some caliber, and +aspiring to pursue his acquaintance upon an intellectual plane, I +stepped forward, as he came through the door, and extended my hand, +saying: "My name is Harold Hersey." + +"What of it?" he said, and turned to adjust a kerosene lamp. Then he +came forward and extended his hand. "I will not say I am glad to meet +you until I find out that I am." + +"Your name?" I inquired. + +"Dan Spain." + +"That sounds like a nom de plume," I ventured. + +"It is." + +Feeling that there was nothing further that I could say, I pulled out my +pipe and seated myself before the fire. + +Dan Spain settled into a chair nearby. "The fact that your name is +Harold Hersey means nothing to me," he remarked, "but as I presume that +you will spend the night here, I might be able to make it less +disagreeable for you if I knew your trade or occupation." + +I have always been a little sensitive about revealing my profession to +strangers, because, unfortunately, some men do not regard it highly; so +I replied: "What would you judge me to be from my appearance?" + +"A cigar salesman." + +I hastened to controvert him. "Looks are deceiving," I said, "I am a +writer." + +So I read him the following. There was a curious silence afterwards: + + _When the limpid highbrows chatter + And their candlelights are low; + When their purple souls are bitter + From discussing thus and so, + And the Lucy Stoners twitter + In some frowsy studio;_ + + _When the fat-legged mantees mutter + And you see their eyeballs twitch; + When the parlor wobblies hover + Around the newly rich, + And the men of bread-and-butter + Get the "art-for-art's-sake" itch...._ + + _Then I don't regret the making + Of this idle verse of mine, + And my pickling by the Poohbahs + In their literary brine, + Nor the gesture of a Burdash + For not hewing to the line._ + + _My humor is the laughter + From life's tickled ribs. It's rough, + For it's written from the raw + Where I like to get my stuff, + And it ought to rise in letters: + Goodness knows it's light enough._ + +"It is nothing to be ashamed of," said Dan Spain, "I once worked in a +slaughter house." + +"What books have you had published?" I asked after a time. + +"None." + +Having had a number of books published myself, I felt that I might be +of some service to this hermit scholar who had evidently not adjusted +himself to the practical exigencies of the publishing business. "It is +just possible," I suggested, "that my experiences and acquaintances +might enable me to help you get some of your work in print--that is, if +you would care to tell me what you are writing." + +Dan Spain leaned over and attended the fire. After poking it to his +satisfaction, he picked up a live coal and dropped it in the bowl of his +pipe. Finally he spoke, and his words were startling enough. "Just at +present," he said, "I am writing an autobiography of God." + +There was a sudden rattle at the shutter. + +"What was that?" I asked nervously. + +Dan Spain laughed. "Wind," he replied, "wind through the trees. +Lightning may strike us dead at any moment because of my blasphemous +ambitions. That is why I live as a hermit--should God's lightning strike +at me, there will be no complications through it hitting an innocent +bystander. You are the first person who has spent a night under this +roof with me. I am sorry to subject you to the danger, but you came +without an invitation." + +"But why," I asked, "do you want to write a blasphemous book? You are +aware, I suppose, that it might be suppressed." + +"In a country, the constitution of which guarantees freedom of speech +and religious liberty, I grant the possibility." + +"Then why," I persisted, "do you want to write it?" + +"Because," said Spain, "I am tired of tempering the wind of truth to the +lamb of stupidity. Must we so fear the anger of the childish mob, that +we dare not deprive them of their fairy tales of ghosts and gobblins, +lest they kick out the props of civilizations? Must we, who no longer +bend the knees of the mind in spook idolatry nor shake with the ague of +hell fear, pretend that science and religion have been reconciled and +mumble incantations to a metaphysical essence instead of saying to a +maternal God to open the windows of the sky and spill rain out of +heaven? I want to write a blasphemous book because the gods who throttle +human intelligence and block human progress have revealed their +vulnerable spot--for they are the gods who fear laughter." + +"But surely?" I said, "all that is old stuff--Ingersoll has been dead +twenty years. Present day thinkers only smile indulgently when some +handsome faced bucolic clergyman invades a metropolitan pulpit and gets +the forgotten monkey argument into the headlines of the daily press. +Modern philosophy has reconciled religion and science and shown that +they hail from the same psychic origins." + +"The dictionary has never been made a sacred book," returned Spain, "and +I cannot try men for heresy who blaspheme it. If a man wishes to +designate the emotions he experiences when gazing at the stars by the +term 'religion' I cannot prevent him. My dictionary defines religion as +'a belief in binding the spirit of man to a supernatural being' and +further includes the idea of duties and rites founded upon such belief. +If that be religion the war between religion and science can never end. +The particular battle ground may change from age to age; it may be +concerned with the mobility of the sun, the origin of species or the +immaculate conception...." + +"Well what of it," I remarked, "those things are all relatively +unimportant." + +"True" said Spain, "they are, but science has a job in the future that +is vastly important and religion stands in its way." + +"And what is that?" I asked. + +"It is the job of saving civilization from degenerating into a chaos +besides which the dark ages, medievalism would seem Bericlean by +comparison. As we are headed now we are on the road for a grand smash. +The growing complexities of civilization can only be managed by a human +breed of superior capacity, and instead of breeding a race of better men +we are letting the inborn capacity of the human species regress and +degenerate. + +"Natural selection or the survival of the fittest raised us up from +brutes, and civilization stops the operation of that law which made it +possible. Blind charity preserves the rabbitries of stupidity--the +differential birth rate snuffs out the flame of innate intelligence. The +only visible salvation is systematic breeding of superior men; and +against human breeding religion stands garbed in all her mummeries, +shielding behind her wish fancies of immortality, the leering face of +the ape man returned to prowl in the ruins of all we have builded. + +"The little priests of religion play in sweet innocence with their hopes +of heaven having not the least conception of the human drift. But the +high priests of religion know very well on which side their bread is +buttered. They know that spook worship thrives only in the soil of +stupidity. They will fight to the last ditch against any serious effort +to breed men for brains. Their creeds are smoothly schemed to block +intelligence in its efforts at biological perpetuation. The fable of a +ghostly paternity of the human species fits their purpose like a glove. +By inoculating the new-born human animal with a fantasy called a soul +they clothe the act of reproduction with a garb of sanctification and +endow all sexual and parental functions with rites so skillfully +ingrained into popular thought that men who renounce the more patent +absurdities of theology are still soaked in the sacramental conception +of reactionary morality whenever it touches the reproduction of the +species. So they hope to maintain our present scheme of mongrel breeding +which is fast blotting out the hard won grains of the tedious climb of +human evolution and riding us for a smash of the fabric of civilization, +because the children of the stupid cannot maintain the structure we have +wrought." + +"But surely," I said, "you do not intend to propound such ponderous +biological and sociological doctrines in an autobiography of your +god--if you do so I am sure it will be very dull. I had hoped you had in +mind some readable piece of literary composition." + +"So I had; I was not telling you what I intended to write. You asked me +why I wanted to write it. The god who mustn't be laughed at could make +himself very ridiculous by setting down the story of his life. He should +not be a metaphysical concept. I should prefer a nice old man with robe +and halo and whiskers--I am sure he should have whiskers." + +"And just when," I asked, "would you have him born?" + +"I don't know," replied Spain, "I have stalled on eternity. I find it +quite an awkward span of life to cover in a manuscript." + +"Why not dodge the difficulty," I suggested, "by having your story begin +the day after eternity." + +Spain turned his gaze upon me with a twinkling light in his eyes. "Young +man," he said, "No wonder you tried to drive an automobile without +gasoline--you are suffering from a touch of genius. + +"I shall doubtless need aid," confessed Spain, more cordial, I felt, +than he had previously seemed. + +As I caught the flame of enthusiasm in this man's conviction, my heart +warmed to him. I found myself interested in his proposed "Autobiography +of God"--interested and critical. "It might amuse you," I said, "to know +that somewhere among my own writing notes I have this item jotted down. +'A tale that should begin the day after eternity.'" + +Dan Spain looked at me, his eyes twinkling, "Not half bad," he said. + +And so began an exchange of suggestions, a mutual laying on the table of +the most guarded treasures of one's over-reaching ambitions to write the +impossible. + +As the night wore on our wits sharpened each on the other, and before +dawn broke, Dan Spain and I both realized that we had cast in outline +form the skeleton of a most ambitious piece of writing. Then we awoke to +the fact, that we, who were acquaintances of a single session had joined +our wits to create something that could not be disentangled without its +destruction. + +"And now," I said, "who is going to write this tale of the adventures of +the great god Gud?" + +"We must write it together," replied Spain, "nothing else would be +honest." + +There followed a period of intermittant work that strung out through +several seasons. We worked sometimes alone; at other times I spent +week-ends at Spain's hermitage, and on a few occasions I dragged the +hermit down to my quarters in Greenwich Village. As the manuscript +gathered bulk, I arranged for its typing, having always a copy made for +each of us. + +During the summer of 1924, I spent most of the month of July at Spain's +hermitage and we got the book completed, though there were still many +parts of it on which we had serious differences of opinion. Taking my +draft with me, I went back to New York, where I had to attend to some +neglected editorial duties. + +Spain had agreed to come down to my place on the week-end of August +thirtieth for a final effort to see if we could reconcile our +differences of opinion. + +The intervening weather in the city was oppressive and I did no further +work on the manuscript. When August thirtieth arrived Spain did not show +up. I waited for him another week and then drove my car up to his +hermitage in the Catskills. + +I bumped over the stones of the miserable trail and brought my car to a +halt in front of where Spain's house had stood. Before me I saw a +yawning circle of trees with the inner sides scorched and withered, and +the great gaunt stone chimney alone now rearing from a heap of ashes. + +The combustion had been complete. Not a charred stick remained. All was +white ash, and well packed down, for it had rained heavily a few nights +before. + +The evidence of that rain sent my mind hurtling back in review of the +weather since Spain had left New York. I remembered that one night a few +days before Spain was due to return I had found my apartment so +oppressive that I had gone to Brighton Beach. As I lay on the sands, it +must have been toward midnight, a squall had driven across the sky and +there had been a bit of a blow and a magnificent electrical display, but +only a few heavy drops of rain had fallen. + +Brighton Beach was over a hundred miles from this spot in the Catskills, +and the weather in the two locations might have been wholly dissimilar. +Still it was suggestive of the worst possible fears. + +I looked about for something with which I could prod into the debris. +The only thing available was a great twisted steel lightning rod that +reared up through the ashes. The result of my effort was a discovery +from which I recoiled. + +For a moment I found it expedient to step away from the place. In doing +so, I unconsciously dragged the piece of lightning rod along with me. +Behind a screen of foliage I sat down weakly. Presently, my eyes +followed along that lightning rod, and I noted that one end was freshly +broken where I had bent it until it snapped in two. But the other end +had been the tip that pointed skyward above the house. This I now saw +was fused and melted in a way that no heat of a burning wood could have +possibly accomplished. + +I need write but little of the duties that followed. Suffice to say, +that every paper that might have revealed more than my slight knowledge +of Spain's origin or connections had been destroyed. The county records +yielded nothing except the deed to his property purchased the year +before I met him. There was nothing for me to do but turn matters over +to the local authorities and let the law take its course. + +I returned to New York and slept off the weariness the ordeal had +engendered. + +Then I went to my desk and produced my draft of "The Book of Gud" and +turned slowly through it. It was all there, a complete manuscript, but +including many things on which our differences of opinion had not been +reconciled--and Dan Spain was dead! + +Gradually the responsibilities of my position dawned upon me. I was +joint author of "The Book of Gud." However, my "partner in crime" was +dead. We had written much of the prose together although much of it was +by Spain alone. The verse was mine. + +How helpless I felt with this gigantic task staring me in the face! + +Sensing keenly the sacred trust of fidelity to the intent of a dead +author, I did not feel at liberty to make the changes in Spain's draft +that I felt should be made. Yet, if my name were to be on the jacket of +this book, I did not feel that I could possibly let some of the things +in Spain's draft pass without registering my protest. Conversely I must, +in all fairness, concede that he had felt the same about some of my +lines. + +My decision on going over the work the first time was that all I could +do was to let the manuscript pass on to the world exactly as it was when +God's lightning stilled forever the pen of Dan Spain. + +However, upon going over the manuscript a second time, I found my +instincts as an editor overwhelming this excellent resolution. For +several months I was torn between my conscience as a writer with its +full sense of duty to a dead author and my editorial conscience with its +fuller sense of duty to the reading public--and I did nothing with the +manuscript. + +But at last a great compromising thought occurred to me. I could leave +the manuscript stand intact, but I could write a preface in which I +could explain the dreadful dilemma in which the death of my collaborator +left me, and why I do not feel, under the distressing circumstances, +that I should be held responsible for those parts of Spain's draft which +do not meet my approval. My decision has made possible the publication +of "The Book of Gud"; for otherwise I should have burned my copy also. + +It is my hope that this explanation will mitigate the wrath of many +readers, for it is a beautiful fact about human nature that it rarely +holds the dead as responsible as it does the living. + +I frankly confess that it has been a task to hold to this resolution, +for I have been sorely tempted to delete as well as comment on some of +Spain's text. As proof of my integrity in this matter, I have even left +in the text of the book a note addressed to me by Spain in which he has +expressed his contempt for my work in a most ungentlemanly manner. + +I hold that the canons of literary ethics do not permit one to alter a +dead man's manuscript. If they did, how quickly we could enrich the +literary heritage of American children by expurgating the classics of +Europe and rewriting them in a style acceptable to the American sense of +decency. + +To some very literally minded persons it may seem that the view just +expressed is not consistent with my capacity as a joint author of "The +Book of Gud." Let me therefore discount any such criticisms by +explaining that the evil effects of literature all come from its +realism. "The Book of Gud" is romantic and symbolic. There is true +beauty in symbolism because of the variety of possible interpretations. +Each reader can gain the meaning particularly adapted to himself. + +The greatest art is that which can be interpreted in the most devious +ways: Witness the character of Hamlet, the enigma of Mona Lisa, the +riddle of the Book of Revelations. To me Hamlet is the personification +of a weak will in a strong mind, due to the European habit of inbreeding +royalty. Mona Lisa, I believe, reveals the patience of a great woman who +knows that she will ultimately get what she wants. The Book of +Revelation I deem to be a symbolic anticipation of the Darwinian theory +of man's descent from prehistoric animals. + +In "The Book of Gud" there is great symbolism, and in symbolism there +can be nothing degrading, as each mind interprets it according to its +own intellectual and moral plane. Hence there can never be degradation +in symbolic literature, except for degraded minds. + +Here then is "The Book of Gud"; and, with the exception of this preface, +I bow to the principle that death should end an author's work and so it +should remain, even as Sodom and Gomorrah, Pompeii and Herculaneum +remained as they were when fire rained down on them from Heaven. + + (Signed), + + HAROLD HERSEY. + + London, England, + April First, 1925. + + + + +Chapter II + + + From out the distant and neglected past, + The "is" or "isn'tness" of things remain + As ever still unsolved. Admitting this, + Outscepting every sceptic, we've indulged + Our wildest fancies ... where unknowables + Go chasing unattainables. We've spared + No god, religion, science, sex or art, + But laid about us with a heavy fist. + There are so many twists of humor + In Euclid's cubes and angles. Laughter hides + With playfulness behind philosophy + Like little monsters in an ancient's beard. + So many gods are out of work--they beg + For bread and sympathy to empty stalls + Where once delighted thousands paid them praise. + Religion simmers in the pot, or boils + Completely over as the housewives nod. + Strange trolls peek out from books of mathematics, + Grimace around cold scientific theories. + Dwarfs and goblins play at hide and seek + In empty attics of the homes of creeds; + While sex is swept with laughter like a gale + When we disturb the surface with an axe. + Have mercy on our hero, Gud the Great. + The clouds of history had cloaked his tomb + Like old Zumbissus, Mord and Red Torswaine, + Until we carefully unearthed the tale + Gud's wild adventures furnish to romance. + We took his crumbling bones and gave them life-- + His human frailties and deeds of valor. + No doubt heroically he suffers thus + At our faint hands--but let the subject be. + The future cannot hide its heroes yet + To come beneath a cloud of silence ... hands + Other than ours--aliens and scornful, too, + Would some day come upon this untold tale + And lay it bare with scalpels cold and sharp. + At least we had regard for laws of prophesy, + The customs of a future time. Here stands + The Book of Gud upon the rocks of truth. + Yet when one goes to Rome, Dame Rumor says, + Burn Roman candles--this have we done. + + + + +Chapter III + + +There was once a god whose name was Gud. + +Gud was not a real god such as men believe in. He was only Gud, whom no +one believes in, and so does not exist, and will not unless some man who +reads this Book of Gud should believe in him and so make him (for that +is how gods are made). If there be sufficient faith in a god, all is +well with that god, since he is made by faith alone, without works, and +is dead. But a little faith is a dangerous thing. + +Now Gud had had a universe, and had ordered it destroyed, and had +ordained that eternity be over and done. + +The morning after, Gud sat alone in space. All things else had been +destroyed save Gud and space; and Gud was lonely, for creation had been +done and undone and was no more, and eternity was over; and time was no +more, for there were no more stars to mark the course of time. + +Since this book is being written now, printed now, and read now and +burned now; and since printing presses and reading eyes and consuming +fires exist in an age of whirling worlds and beating hearts and ticking +watches, which mark time and thus seem to make it, it is that this book +is not. Those things that seem to happen herein, one after another, +really happened instantaneously,--for this is a tale of a timeless time, +and there will be, when these things are, no time at all, and no hope of +any time, since this story begins, and is finished the day after +eternity, which is after the ending of all that was and before the +beginning of that which will never be. + +Therefore, this story is really not a story, because it never could +happen until after all things had happened. So what you now are reading +has no meaning at all and no existence, real or unreal. + +So Gud sat alone in space. The fact that Gud was sitting is very +important. Gud sat down in haste at the very last moment of eternity, as +all things were being destroyed; for he saw that the very next moment +there would be nothing left on which to stand. + +As Gud sat alone in space, he thought of everything that had been and +remembered everything that was, and Gud saw that it was not good--for he +had nothing at all to do. So Gud thought he would listen to his heart +beat; but alas, he could not hear his heart beat for there was no time +for his heart to beat to. + +So Gud decided that he would do nothing, but alas he could do nothing +for there was nothing to do; and Gud feared nothing, for it did not +exist, and like all of us, Gud most feared that which does not exist. + +So Gud repented him that he had ordained that eternity be over and done; +and that he had destroyed the universe and all that was therein +contained, save himself and space. + +Then Gud said to himself, there being no one else to talk to: "I must +find something to do, or I shall go mad." + +Since Gud knew all things, and remembered all things, he recalled that +men in whose image he was made, also frequently retired prematurely from +business and were hard put for something to do. Gud remembered also that +great men, even though they were not as great as he, when finding +themselves in similar circumstances, sometimes wrote their +autobiographies. + +So Gud decided to write his autobiography. And Gud wrote it. He wrote it +instantaneously, there being no time in which to write it. Gud did not +write it upon tables of stone, as there was no stone out of which to +make the tables; and besides there was no gravity and hence the stones +would have floated away. + +So Gud wrote his autobiography on nothing. But as Gud knew all things +he saw no need of writing them down, since there was no one else to read +them, and so he really never wrote his autobiography on anything. +However when he had finished the manuscript, he sent it to a publisher. + +And waited.... + +Gud received but little satisfaction from writing his autobiography +because it was never published. Had Gud been a true literary artist this +would have made no difference, since to the true artist the plaudits and +ducats of the multitude have no meaning whatever. But the ducats of the +multitude are the only reason publishers ever publish books, as any +honest publisher will tell you. The reason that you do not know this is +because you have not been told, and the reason that you have not been +told is because publishers hate publicity. + +But, while Gud was not a true artist, as any critic who has looked at +his work could tell you, yet he was a good artisan and had considerable +experience in his craft, which was that of creating things. So now, +receiving no satisfaction from having written his autobiography, Gud +decided that there was nothing else to do but to go back to work at his +old trade. So he arose and went to get his kit of well-beloved tools, +which were the tools of creation. + +As there was no light Gud was in the dark. So he walked in a circle, as +one always does when he walks in the dark and does not know where he is +going. The reason that Gud did not know where he was going is because he +started out to get his tools of creation. + +Then Gud recalled that he had destroyed everything, including the tools. +And at the thought that he had made a perfect job of destruction, Gud +decided that it was the end of a perfect day, and he fell asleep. + +When Gud awoke it was as it was. He did not even feel rested, for he had +not slept very well, having had a bad dream. This dream was so bad that +one might have called it a nightmare, had it not been dreamed the day +after eternity and perforce must have been a day dream. + +Gud realized that he ought to have the dream interpreted, for a dream is +meaningless until it is interpreted. + +So he decided that he needed a psychoanalyst. All of these having been +destroyed, Gud decided to create one. This decision brought him back to +the painful realization that he possessed no tools of creation. So Gud +decided to make a new set of tools of creation. But alas there was +nothing out of which to make the tools of creation--nothing except Gud +himself and space. So not wishing to dismember himself, Gud decided that +space was the only raw material available out of which to fashion new +tools of creation. There was plenty of space--probably no more than +there had always been, but it seemed more because there was nothing in +it. + +As there was no light, Gud could not see the space, but he knew it was +there because it had not been destroyed; moreover, he could feel it. In +fact it was all about him and plenty more just like it everywhere else. +So Gud reached out and felt of the space, and thereby discovered that +the space was full of points. + +Then Gud picked up two of the points and placed them, one on his right +and the other on his left. + +And Gud felt the two points, and lo, there was a straight line between +them. As Gud felt of the straight line, he discovered that it was the +shortest distance between two points. Now Gud remembered that all +through eternity, which was finished and done, a straight line had +always been the shortest distance between two points, and Gud remembered +also that this was the truth. + +And the truth that was in the straight line mocked Gud. So he took hold +of the straight line and bent it until it was no longer straight. But as +he bent the straight line another took its place, and truth was still in +the straight line; for it was still the shortest distance between two +points. So Gud struck off one of the points that was at one end of the +straight line. But straightway another point came at the end of that +which remained of the line, and truth was still in the line, for it was +still the shortest distance between two points. + +And Gud became heated with wrath. So he picked up a palm leaf fan and +fanned himself. Then Gud said: "That which I cannot destroy I will +change." And he set about to make a curved line between two points that +should be shorter than a straight line. + +Gud toiled diligently at the task for for what would have been a long +time if there had been any time. After he had made an infinite number of +curves between the two points, all of which were longer than the +straight line, he chanced to make a curve which he fitted between the +two points. When he felt it Gud was filled with pride--for the last +curve which he had made was a shorter distance between two points than a +straight line, and thus was truth destroyed. + +But this curve which Gud had made was a changing curve, and it continued +to change. And Gud became frightened so that his knees smote one against +the other. The curve ceased not in its changing and presently it had +changed so much that it became impossible, and Gud said: "This thing +which I have made is impossible." So he took the impossible curve and +swung it about his head with a mighty swing and hurled it out of space. + +When Gud had hurled the impossible curve out of space he felt again +between the two points and found that the straight line had returned, +and was again the shortest distance between the two points. And Gud +said: "Let it be so. Old truth is better than new fiction." + +And the eyes of Gud were opened, and he knew that there was much truth +all about him, and that all space was full of truths and that the truths +of space were mathematics. And Gud said: "It is good, for lo, here is +something out of which I can fashion me the tools of creation!" + +So Gud took a circle and a square, and, with the square, Gud squared the +circle. Then he took a plane and planed off the sides of the circle he +had squared and so produced a diamond, which is an element. Then Gud +transmuted the first element into many elements and so produced matter. + +Now Gud was about to mix the matter with the mathematics to form the +chemical life, but he was weary and sat down to rest by the heap of +matter and mathematics and pondered himself whether life was worth the +making. And Gud decided that if he made life he would have to make also +many laws of nature to control life and that all of this would be much +trouble, especially, if they were to be all hand-made. + +As he sat debating what he should do, Gud picked up a circle, and, +toying with it, he happened to turn it about so that it described a +sphere. It was a thing of beauty and he tossed it up to see how it felt +from a distance. When Gud tossed the sphere it began whirling; and as it +whirled, it gave off a sweet sound. The sound pleased Gud and he turned +other circles about and made more spheres and set them whirling; and +they made a concord of sweet sounds which was the music of the spheres +and like unto the sound made by dewdrops falling on the petals of pale +poppies by the amber light of a low hung moon shining upon a +moss-covered tomb. + + + + +Chapter IV + + + Shepherd and Son and little Bo-peep + Herd all the souls like frightened sheep. + Staff in hand, hair like snow + Does even He know where they go? + + A swish as of a sudden wind.... + An open window ... a candle thinned, + From broken bodies' spirits leap + To join the flock of frightened sheep. + + So ever They drive them on and on + Down the night and over the dawn, + And when dusk comes through golden bars + They urge them onward up the stars. + + + + +Chapter V + + +When the music had done Gud picked up a curved line which was shaped +like a scimetar and whacked at the whirling spheres. Each time Gud +whacked, he whacked off a disk from a whirling sphere; and the disks +continued to whirl and ceased not. Soon a corner of space was full of +whirling wheels. And Gud wondered what made the wheels go round. + +As he felt the wheels go round Gud remembered a far and distant world he +had once visited before he had destroyed the universe. He remembered +that this little world had been full of machines and that the machines +had wheels going round, and could make things. And Gud remembered as far +back as a god can remember, and yet he could not recall ever having made +machines that made things. He saw that he had been unprogressive to +have created with hand tools and never to have made machines nor the +things that machines made. + +So Gud resolved straightway to make a creating machine. He gathered the +wheels together and filled them with substance from the heap of matter +that he had made. And then he took squares and triangles and curves and +cones and rhomboids and tetrahedrons and a great many other things that +were in space; and he worked very fast and furiously, and presently he +had made a machine which ground with a deafening roar, for it was a +high-speed, self-acting, creating machine, the like of which had never +been. + +And the machine began to create and to grind out things. But there was +nothing alive in the things which the creating machine ground out, for +it had not in it the breath of life, but only the spirit of the machine. +Those things which the machine made were other machines; and they came +out of the creating machine endowed with the spirit of the machine, and +straightway they began also to turn and grind with a great and +discordant roar. + +The machines of transportation began to distribute the other machines +through space. They roared and shrieked and whistled as they hurtled +thither and yon, and Gud fled before them. + +Then came also great lighting machines and filled all the center of +space with light, and drove the darkness into the outer edges of space, +toward which Gud had fled. + +There were many myriads of machines that Gud did not know, and he had no +time in which to name them. But there were some machines that were very +dreadful, and of these Gud knew the names and the uses, for he had seen +the like of them in the little world of machines he had once visited, +for these were killing machines. + +But the killing machines could find nothing to kill for there was not +any life, but only the machines that were fast filling all space. The +spirit of the killing machines was not to create but to destroy and they +boomed and shrieked mightily for their prey. Gud was sore afraid, and +because of the great noise of the machines, he could not remember that +he was immortal and need not fear even the killing machines. + +So Gud reached the outer edges of space and stood there in the dark +panting and trembling. And Gud regretted that he had made the creating +machine which had made all of the other machines, and he wondered what +he might do to undo what he had done. Then Gud bolstered his courage, +and walked back into the midst of the roaring machines and bade the +machines be still. But only hearing the machines, the talking machines +and the printing machines obeyed, for they only understood the word of +Gud. Then he commanded the talking machines and the printing machines to +make words and news and gossip, and to proclaim to the other machines +that they should cease to roar. + +And the word machines obeyed Gud and made words, but the other machines +harkened not unto the words of Gud. + +Gud feared that if the machines did not cease to be made they might fill +all space, so that nothing else could ever be. Then Gud, remembering +that he was immortal, walked up to a great killing machine which gaped +its terrible maw to swallow him. But Gud feared not and walked into the +terrible maw and into the throat of the killing machine. And when Gud +came out of the bowels of the killing machine he held in his hand a +great sword that was as long as hope deferred and as broad as a liberal +mind. Carrying the sword, Gud fled again from the midst of the machines +and to the outer reaches of space. + +And Gud swung the mighty sword and cut off the edges of space. He made +haste, for the machines did fast approach and he feared that they might +fill all space. So Gud ran about swinging his mighty sword, and shearing +the edges of space. + +The edges of space Gud trimmed off from the center of space where the +machines were, so that the space occupied by the machines was bounded +about by clean edges of space, beyond which no more space was and not +anything at all. + +And it came to pass that there was very little space for Gud to be in, +and the machines came on. Gud stood against the clean edges of space and +brandished his mighty sword and cried: "Come on, ye soulless machines, +for I am Gud and I fear ye not." + +As the machines came on, Gud swung his sword with might and valor, and +the machines that fell before the sword of Gud were as many as there are +ways to displease a woman. So great was the destruction of the machines +that the calculating machines did call a halt and asked for a truce. But +Gud would give no quarter. Then the calculating machines, leaving the +others to receive the blows of Gud, hied themselves back to the center +of space where the creating machine was. + +As the result of their calculations, reinforcements came to the cause of +the machines. These new recruits came on with whistlings and hummings +and greater roaring than Gud had yet heard; and his courage was shaken +so that his sword trembled in his hands, for the new recruits to the +cause of the machines blew a great blast before them; for they were the +fans and the blowers. + +And Gud felt the blast in his face, and his sword swayed and shivered +like a feather in the blast. And the blast became a mighty wind and the +wind blew the sword of Gud from his hand and blew it over the edge of +space, so that Gud was unarmed and cried aloud for quarter. But the +howling of the blast drowned his cry, and the fans and blowers came on, +blowing all before them. Gud turned and fled and ran around the narrow +rim of the edge of space, but the fans and blowers followed after him +and made a great cyclone that blew around the edges of space. Gud fled +in the wind and was bruised and torn by the wind and the garments of Gud +were shattered and torn ... and Gud was lifted out of space and hurled +into an abysmal void where not even space was. + + + + +Chapter VI + + + But in that wind beyond all space + The blast howled fiercely in his face.... + Suddenly, from out the sky + A mote of dust blew in his eye. + + With pain he slowly rubbed it out, + Examined it with passing doubt, + + Then burst into a tide of mirth: + It was the cinder of an earth! + + + + +Chapter VII + + +Gud was walking and as he walked he wondered wherein and whereon he was +walking. But as he knew all things he realized that he was in the Nth +dimension and that he was walking along the Impossible Curve which he +had thrown out of space. + +So Gud walked along the Impossible Curve in the Nth dimension until he +came to a heap of discarded theories. It was a tangled heap and looked +as if it might be a hiding place of ideas. So Gud caught up one of the +sturdier theories and shook it, and the dried facts that the theory had +borne rattled off like rotten fruit from a dead branch. Gud plucked the +twigs of hypotheses from the heavier theory--and so made for himself a +staff. This he rammed lustily into the tangled heap of theories, +whereupon something ran out and leaped along the Impossible Curve. + +When it stopped, Gud, with his staff in hand, walked after it and came +up to it, and thought that it was the echo of a voice. + +"What were you doing?" demanded Gud, "hiding in that heap of discarded +theories?" + +"Alas," said that which Gud thought was the echo of a voice, "I was not +hiding. There was nothing left of me to hide, because I was an obedient +man and gave myself away even as I was told to do." + +"What did they tell you to do?" asked Gud. + +"They told me to do what I did." + +"What did you do?" + +The nothing sighed, and then said faintly: "I gave my wealth to the +poor, my mind to my work, my heart to my wife, my life to my country and +my soul to my god." + +Gud reached over and picked up the nothing which he had thought was the +echo of a voice. He picked it up by the ears, which were very thin, and +looked into its eyes, which were pale pink, and stroked its fur, which +was soft and white. Then Gud tied the nothing's ears together and hung +it over his staff, and proceeded on his way. + +As Gud walked on along the Impossible Curve he saw himself approaching +to meet him. This made Gud very angry at himself because himself +insisted on walking in the opposite direction, which seemed to show Gud +that he had a dual nature and could go two ways at once. So Gud charged +ahead to meet himself, and as he approached himself he swung the staff, +which was over his shoulder, with a vicious blow at himself. + +In his anger, Gud had forgotten the nothing which was hanging by its +ears on his staff. As he swung the staff, the Impossible Curve took a +sudden turn in an unknown direction so that Gud missed himself at which +he struck. But that which was hanging by the ears flew off the staff and +went hurtling through the deceitful mirror. + +In this new excitement Gud forgot himself and peered through the +deceitful mirror to see what had become of nothing. Gud saw that nothing +was being chased by something, which Gud recognized as the reflection of +an Underdog. + +The chase was exciting; the nothing ducked and the reflection of an +Underdog leaped over it. Then the nothing turned and started back toward +the deceitful mirror, through which Gud was peering. The reflection of +the Underdog turned also, and when the quarry reached the mirror it came +back through and its pursuer came after it. + +Quickly Gud swung his staff again and broke the mirror into ten thousand +pieces. Then he turned about and saw, by the contented look on the face +of the Underdog, that nothing was no more. Gud was glad he had been +engaged in breaking the mirror and so had not seen the finale of the +chase, for thus he missed the suffering of the victim and yet could see +the satisfaction of the victor. + +Gud now looked at the staff in his hand and saw that it had borne a +luscious fruit. He plucked the fruit and tasted it. At first it tasted +very sweet but later the taste turned bitter in his mouth. Gud looked +again at the staff which he had picked from the heap of discarded +theories, and Gud saw that he held in his hand the theory of conquest. +In horror he hurled it from him, and it struck the Underdog, who gave +forth a great howl of pain. + +Gud felt compassion for the Underdog and picked him up and nursed his +wound, and the Underdog licked Gud's hands. Then he sat the Underdog +down and started on his way, and the Underdog followed at Gud's heels +along the Impossible Curve. + + + + +Chapter VIII + + + The Gogs are good, the Gogs are great, + They rule a realm of real estate. + Their greedy little eyes are slits + That vision beauty torn to bits, + And when the night's aglow with stars + They stagger through the lupinars. + The Gogs are good, the Gogs are great + We slave to rent their real estate; + We toil in their behalf like fools, + Obey their customs, creeds and rules, + Because each intellectual hog + Would like to be, and is a Gog! + + + + +Chapter IX + + +So they trudged along very happily until they met some one. + +Gud was dumbfounded. "What can you be doing on this Impossible Curve?" +he cried, "for I destroyed everything and my dog has eaten nothing. +Speak up, sir, and tell me what you are before I annihilate you again." + +"I am Cruickshank, the bookkeeper," replied the some one. + +"Ah ha," exclaimed Gud, "and so you are another of those living things +that evolved out of the ooze and slime of that little sphere that got +the valences of its carbon atoms so dreadfully entangled!" + +"I am a man," said Cruickshank, the bookkeeper. + +"But," said Gud, quite exasperated, "I told you I destroyed everything." + +"And so you did," agreed Cruickshank, the bookkeeper, "but do you not +recall those that escaped and floated down on the star dust to wait for +the day of judgment?" + +"I certainly remember them very well," said Gud, "but I would have you +to know that this is not the day of judgment but the day after eternity, +and what is more, you did not escape on the star dust as you claim, for +I chased after that bunch and destroyed them quite utterly." + +"In a way," said Cruickshank, the bookkeeper, "you did, but we saved our +souls by losing them." + +"But," cried Gud, "you are not a soul, for see--" and Gud poked +Cruickshank, the bookkeeper, gingerly in the ribs--"you are a material +man with ribs and life and a liver and much orthodox and conventional +stupidity. In fact, you seem very much like Cruickshank that you always +were. How do you explain that?" + +"The explanation is very simple," said Cruickshank, the bookkeeper, "and +also very important; and you would do well not to forget it or tamper +with it. I am Cruickshank the bookkeeper, just as I always have been, +because you can not change human nature. And what is more, I tell you +that if you divided all the wealth up equally it would be unequal again +before sunset." + +"Mere popular fallacies," said Gud. "And now I am going to show you who +I really am. When my Underdog here barks at the moon you are going to +change into a boiled lobster with one great claw--a very red lobster, on +which your insufferable white collar will look quite ridiculous." + +"But," cried Cruickshank, "you can not change human nature!" + +"Yes, yes, I know," said Gud. "That is why I am doing it. Now bark," +commanded Gud, addressing the Underdog, whose name was Fidu. + +"But," said Fidu, "I do not see any moon to bark at." + +"Imagine one, stupid," said Gud. + +So Fidu imagined a moon to bark at, and barked at the moon he imagined; +and then he and Gud went on their way, leaving a great, red, boiled +lobster, wearing a white collar and crawling backward with one claw, +along the Impossible Curve. + + + + +Chapter X + + + Now Cruickshank was a loyal worker + Who frowned upon the average shirker, + And in the place where Cruickshank toiled + The wheels of work were shrewdly oiled, + And profits had a way of rising + Which showed the firm as enterprising. + Through years that numbered thirty-one + Cruickshank hated the owner's son-- + "Stool pigeon" was the name the boy + Had given him with whoops of joy. + In Cruickshank's breast ambition burned + And so he lived and worked and earned, + Robbed Paul and Peter, had no gout + And made his family go without. + Sly Cruickshank in his stealthy way + Bought shares in the firm for a rainy day, + Existing on a miser's dole + For the hour when he would have control, + Wander in and announce the doom + Of the President's son in the President's room.... + So Cruickshank labored and did not shirk + Though his poor wife died from overwork. + But finally came the day of days.... + Sly Cruickshank asked for a lordly raise. + When father and son had answered "No" + Expecting old Cruickshank to go + He shrieked the triumph of his soul: + "You are both discharged--I'm in control----" + The President looked at the President's son; + And the son looked at his father's son + In a mirror that hung on the wall nearby + And carefully straightened his yellow tie. + Old Cruickshank waited ill at ease + And felt a trembling in his knees-- + The President spoke: "Why, we've just mailed + The notice that this firm has failed." + + + + +Chapter XI + + +After a long journey Gud came to a place where it looked as if it needed +rain. So he sat down upon a cactus and took out his horoscope and +consulted the stars. Then he made an elliptical ring around a new moon +and hung the moon low in the sky. And Gud took a scarlet runner bean and +put it in a pot and lit a fire of cactus thorns and set the pot to boil. +When the thorns began to crackle, an arrogant savor arose from the pot, +and the vapors of it filled the sky, and through the vapors the new-made +moon shown red as the blood of saints torn by lions because of their +faith. + +Gud blew his breath on the fire and it waxed hot as anger and the pot +boiled over and quenched the fire. Gud reached his hand into the pot and +drew out the bean and cut it into three halves. And the left half of the +bean he ate, and the right half of the bean he cast into Hell, but the +other half of the bean Gud planted beneath a flat stone that bore the +footprint of a hero who had passed that way when the stone was but a +drifting sand on a lonely shore. + +Presently the bean half sprouted, and the sprout split the stone athwart +and rent the footprint of the hero. Gud watered the bean with tears, +because there was no rain in that place. So the bean grew and on its +stem were the leaves of the maiden-hair tree, and the tendrils by which +the bean clambered were the tendrils of the snake-feeder vine, and the +flowers that sprang from the nodules of the bean stalk were the flowers +of the wormwood tree, but they gave forth the odor of liverworts and +were of the color of faded hopes or of stale music. + +Gud cut marks on the bean pole to observe the rate of growth of the bean +vine, and he found that it grew much faster than grief dies but not so +fast as jealousy is born. + +And when the bean reached the top of the pole and could grow no more, it +conceived and bore a fruit that was like a ripe gourd. Four eyes grew in +the face of the fruit and a dim light shone out of the eyes. And Gud +heard the patter of tiny feet within, and presently the ghosts of three +blind mice came out of the four eyes of the fruit, one out of each of +the four eyes, for the third one came out twice. + + Oh, under the stars are things to see that fold + Their shining webs around the hidden sun.... + When the flesh is faint and the heart grows limp and old, + Surely the work of living is not done. + + There was a breathless stillness and the crowd + Leaned forward, looking on and barely stirred. + The surgeon, knife in hand, with spotted shroud, + Cut close around the heart and said no word. + + They saw his patient die, and whispered one + Unto another in the clinic there. + But yet the surgeon saw strange actions done + That streaked his head with strands of snow-white hair. + + From out the dead man's open chest there crept + A shaggy spider shining in the light, + That shook itself like one who having slept + Puts vainly back the shadows of the night. + + The surgeon clutched his throat. Within his breast + He felt a living thing twist here and there; + A thing that stirred from out a deep unrest + Like something moving through a drowned man's hair. + + The students only saw his hair turn white.... + But he heard tiny pulses throb and beat, + He felt slim fingers clawing out of sight + And hearkened to the patter of tiny feet. + + Then shrieking fell across the clinic floor + The students pouring from their seats. Stark dead + He must have been for he said nothing more; + His fingers twitched and once he moved his head. + + They did not see that from his mouth there crept + A shaggy spider shining in the light, + That shook itself like one who having slept + Puts vainly back the shadows of the night. + + Then sideways moved it, trembling as though cold, + Following where the other spider ran.... + Oh, hidden away there are things that are strange and old, + And weave strange webs in the very breast of man. + + + + +Chapter XII + + +And the ghosts of the three blind mice sang to Gud as if their hearts +would break. They sang of brave deeds, for they had been field mice and +they had died upon the field of honor. + +And when the song was done, Gud wept again; for now he understood why it +had never rained in that place. + +So he arose and stamped out the smouldering embers of the fire he had +builded, and whistled for the Underdog. And when the Underdog came he +devoured the ghosts of the three blind mice, the one after the other and +the third which came out twice, after the one. Then the Underdog licked +his chops and Gud sighed, and together they departed from that place, +very sorrowful that they had come. + + + + +Chapter XIII + + +"What are you eating?" asked Fidu, the Underdog, returning from a +fruitless chase. + +"I am eating leopard's spots," replied Gud; "will you have some?" + +"No thanks," returned Fidu, "for they look to me like apples of Sodom or +Dead Sea fruit." + +"That is what they are." + +"But," retorted Fidu, "you just now said they were leopard's spots." + +"So they were," said Gud, "but I changed them." + + + + +Chapter XIV + + +Then Fidu pricked up his ears and listened. And Gud listened also and he +heard a far-off wailing sound, as of a soul in torment. So he bade Fidu +to remain where he was, and he cast down his staff for the Underdog to +watch, for he was a watchdog also. + +Then Gud went on alone to find the cause of the wailing. When he found +it, behold, it was a soul in pain, and Gud said: "What can I do to stop +your wailing?" + +The tormented soul replied: "Oh, comrade, I wail because of the memory +of injustice and inequality." + +"Then your case is simple. I do not know what these things were, the +memory of which distresses you, but I have a tube of oblivion here that +I can assure you will destroy any memory." + +At this the soul shrank from Gud and wailed the louder. "But, I do not +want to forget, for that would be unfaithful to the cause." + +"Then, what do you want?" asked Gud impatiently. + +"I want to see the revolution come." + +"What is that?" asked Gud, his curiosity now thoroughly aroused. + +"The revolution," said the soul, "would make a world where all are +equal, and perfect justice reigns." + +"I never heard of a world like that, but I think I can make one. If I do +so, will that stop your wailing?" + +"Alas, it cannot be, for the world of equality must be made by the +workers themselves." + +"But I do not see any workers." + +"True, they were all destroyed in the rebellion against their masters." + +"Then, where are the masters?" + +"They were all destroyed in suppressing the rebellion of the workers." + +"That must have been quite a fight," remarked Gud. "On which side were +you?" + +"My heart was with the workers," said the soul, "but my training and +inhibitions were with the masters. Therefore, I was torn between +opposing forces and was transfixed with horror and remained neutral, +which is why I alone escaped destruction." + +"Just what were you?" asked Gud, a little puzzled. + +"I was a parlor sociologist," said the soul, straightening up proudly. + +"I am sorry that you weren't either a master or a worker," said Gud, +"for your wailing annoys me and it annoyed my dog. I think I had better +destroy you now." + +At this the soul cringed cowardly, and Gud was annoyed and turned to go, +whereupon the soul started wailing more dismally than ever. + +Gud turned back again and said: "Whatever it was you wanted, I see I +will have to make it for you, because I cannot stand that wailing--it +sounds like a hell that a friend of mine was experimenting with, and I +do not like it." + +"I wail," said the soul, "because I remember the injustice and +inequality, and because the workers are all destroyed and revolution can +never be." + +"Nonsense! Nothing can never be. Let us make this thing and be done with +it. What was it you said you wanted?" + +"The world of equality." + +"But just a moment ago you said it was a revolution." + +"True. But that was but a means to the end." + +"Shall I make the means or the end?" + +"Alas, neither can ever be, for the workers are destroyed." + +"You said that before. You talk in circles like a philosopher, and I +don't like philosophers; they are all talk; I believe in action. I don't +know what you want, but I heard you say something about a world. I +understand that and can make it--I have made myriads of them just to +pass the time away. Wait a second." + +When he had spoken thus, Gud took out his pocket handkerchief and held +it up by two corners. "Now, you see," said Gud, as he exhibited first +one side and then the other; "the handkerchief is perfectly empty." + +The soul looked at the handkerchief and saw that Gud spoke the truth. + +"Now watch!" said Gud, determined to do this thing as impressionably as +possible. Then, as the soul watched, Gud caught up the other corners of +the handkerchief; then he rolled it into a ball and tossed it up and +caught it and made magic passes and said: "Doramialfalfalasido" and did +several other perfectly useless and unnecessary things, as all magicians +and miracle workers do. Then he caught the handkerchief by the center +and shook it out vociferously, and there was a nice virgin world +spinning round and round, with its axis wabbling a bit so as to give it +a change of climate. + +The soul was duly impressed when it saw a real sky-covered dirt-bottomed +world spinning from east to west; and the soul said: "I beg your pardon, +comrade, I did not recognize you as a worker, but I see that you are, +for you have created something--pardon me, but have you a card?" + +Gud was puzzled for a moment. Then he remembered the cards he had +printed when he entered celestial society, and he drew one out and +handed it to the soul. The soul could not read the language in which it +was printed, and not wanting to admit his ignorance, assumed that it was +O.K. + +"Now are you satisfied?" asked Gud. + +"The world pleases me, but there is no one in it." + +So Gud took the soul by the hand and they leaped across the void and +found themselves in the world Gud had made, and standing in a beautiful +garden full of luscious fruit and nice tame animals. + +The soul sighed a little sigh of delight, and sat down on an ant hill +and began eating alligator pears. Gud strolled around for a few +centuries and counted the animals to see if they were all there, and +being satisfied on that point, he went back to the soul, who was still +sitting on the ant hill eating avacadoes. So Gud went out again and +counted the sands of the seashore. He had to count five times to make +the count come out twice alike, but in the middle of the fifth count he +succeeded and so he went back and found the soul had eaten all the fruit +in the garden and was beginning to whimper. + +"Oh, bother," said Gud, "are you going to start that wailing again? +What's the matter now?" + +"I have not the patience," the soul cried, "to wait for the tedious and +materialistic process of evolution to make rational beings; and besides +if I had, in the struggle for existence they would all become unequal +and the revolution would still have to be--it might be sanguinary, and +the sight of blood makes me sick at my stomach." + +"I never said anything about evolution," replied Gud. "As a matter of +fact, I do not take much stock in it, and many of my friends do not +believe in it at all; besides, it is liable to get out of hand and +produce something entirely different from one's designs. So if you will +tell me what more you want I will make it outright, like I did this +world." + +"I only want," said the soul, "to see this beautiful place inhabited by +happy, rational beings among whom there will be no inequality." + +"That means that they must all be exactly alike as atoms of hydrogen." + +"Well--yes," admitted the soul rather grudgingly. "I suppose it does, if +you put it that way, but it sounds much nicer merely to speak of +equality." + +"Put it any way you like, I want to get the job done and get back to my +dog. He is faithful enough, but I don't like to put too much strain on +fidelity. Now, as I get it, you want this world peopled with rational +beings that are all alike. I am ready to make them, only what kind do +you want--something like yourself?" + +"No! no! not like me, for I am a weak and selfish fence-straddler. +Moreover, I am too modest to be used as a prototype for the members of a +perfect world." + +"Worse than that, you are a ghost and immaterial and invisible to animal +eyes. If I filled the world with creatures like you, the animals might +walk right through them--No, we want material beings." + +"Then materialize me," cried the soul in sudden eagerness. + +"Hold on, if I materialize you in your present immaterial likeness, then +all the beings I am to make for this world would have to be like you or +you would be the exception and spoil the equality." + +"That is so," admitted the soul. + +"We are standing here talking like metaphysicians. If there is anything +I hate worse than philosophers, it is metaphysicians which are +philosophers bereft of what commonsense they did have. I have made this +world scientifically," continued Gud, "but the work you want done now is +a work of art, and I shall need a model. Since you refuse to be used as +a model, I will have to resort to an old trick of my profession." + +Gud paused significantly and walked over to a nearby pool of water that, +having sought its level in a quiet nook, was very placid. He bent over +the pool for a moment and smiled in a pleased fashion at what he saw. +But the position was unpleasant and the ground at the edge of the pool +was damp and stained his robe where it stretched over his knees. So Gud +picked up the pool and propped it up against a rock in a nearly vertical +position. + +His reflection in the propped-up pool was still more pleasing and Gud +called the soul over to him: + +"I am going to use my reflection for a model," said Gud, "to fashion the +creatures you want to people this world. To try the idea out first, I am +going to re-do you in my own image." + +The soul was mute with embarrassment and suffered Gud to place it upon a +hastily constructed easel. Then, glancing at his own reflection in the +propped-up pool, Gud, with a few deft strokes, redid the soul into an +image of himself. + +Gud lifted the re-done soul down from the easel and set it over beside +the propped-up pool, and then stood back and looked at his own +reflection and then at the soul which he had re-made in his own image: +and the only way he could tell them apart was by the background. + +"That's one of the best pieces of copying I ever did," cried Gud. "I am +delighted with my craftsmanship. But before I make the rest of the +crowd, I think we had better materialize ourselves, otherwise there +would not be equality in the world, because we would be immaterial and +hence be different from the others." + +"Quite right, you are, comrade," said the soul, who was now the image of +Gud and so had to agree with him. + +Gud looked around for some clever trick by which he could make this +materialization impressive--and the soul also looked around, being Gud's +double and having identical thoughts. When Gud saw that his thoughts +were the soul's thoughts, he was annoyed, because he saw he could not do +anything now to astonish or impress the soul. So Gud decided to +materialize without any hocus pocus, and the soul thought what Gud +thought; so they materialized themselves without more ado. + +"Well," said Gud, "let's make the rest of us." + +"That's what I was thinking," agreed the soul. + +"And shall we be savage or civilized?" + +"Civilized," said the soul; "of course, it will be a lot of bother to +make all the appurtenances of civilization, but one can't have equality +as long as there is savagery and poverty in the world." + +"That's just what I was thinking," agreed Gud, annoyed to find himself +thinking the soul's thoughts. + +So Gud, and his image that had been the soul, made a world full of +civilized beings and all the appurtenances of civilization, and they did +it very quickly, for they were both impatient to find themselves +thinking the other's thoughts, and were desirous to get the job done and +get away from that world and get back to the Underdog. + +And when they had done this thing they found themselves in a great +convention hall that had arisen where the garden had been. The hall was +full of creatures made in the exact image of Gud and in the image of the +soul that Gud had re-made in his own image. + +As Gud glanced around, marveling at the myriads of creatures that were +exactly alike, he suddenly realized that he could no longer identify the +soul for which he had done all this--and for a brief moment he was very +much relieved for that particular creature had annoyed him grieviously. + +But Gud's relief was of short duration, for it was dawning upon his +consciousness that he had done a terrible thing, because all these +myriads of creatures about him looked just like himself. And Gud saw +that he had no longer the one Gud but one of a myriad of Guds; and that +he had lost his distinction and position and superiority, and all the +other satisfying attributes that attach to the office and function of +being Gud. + +How it would all have ended, not even Gud knew, but just then they all +saw a stream of smoke in one of the galleries and they all shouted: +"Fire." There was a wild scramble. And when the Guds nearest the fire +had stamped out the flames, the real Gud had been lost in the turmoil +and confusion, and did not know which one of the myriads of Guds was +himself and which were the other Guds made in the image of himself. + +It was very distressing. + +For three days and seven nights Gud went around that world of equality, +wondering who he was and whether he was Gud or one of the imitation +Guds; and all the imitation Guds went around wondering whether they were +Gud or one of the imitation Guds. + +And then a joyful event happened! The Underdog had become worried over +his master's long absence and had trailed him with his unerring canine +scent. Coming into the confusion of this world of equality, the Underdog +walked right up to the honest-to-God Gud, leaped up and sat himself upon +his own true master's shoulder and barked with delight, and licked the +cheek of his master. + +When he saw the action of his dog, Gud knew again for a surety that he +was himself. With a mighty cry of deliverance from this torture and +terror of pure democracy and achieved equality, Gud called down +lightning from on high and earthquakes from below and winds from abroad +and floods from the seas, and destroyed the world of equality once and +for all and forever, and all that was therein contained, and all the +myriads of fraudulent Guds he had so foolishly made in his own image to +please the longing for equality in the soul of the parlor sociologist, +and thereby stop its wailing. + +And when the fire and flood and the winds and the earthquakes had done +their work with neatness and dispatch, Gud and the Underdog went on +their way rejoicing, and Gud made three cats for the Underdog to chase. +They were all alike because they were copycats, and the Underdog would +chase one and then the other and then all three at once. + +Gud sat down and laughed at the troubles of the Underdog, because the +poor beast, despite his canine instinct, could not tell one cat from the +other two, and could not catch any of them because they were always +crossing each other's paths, so that the Underdog would chase the others +and give the one a chance to rest. + +But being cats, they were not friendly, even though they were copycats; +and finally they ran into each other and began to fight among themselves +and to chase each other around in a circle. + +Now the Underdog was wise, and he stopped running and sat down on the +edge of the circle and got the one and then the other, which left only +the third. Then Gud called off his dog, and also called up the last +copycat for a bowl of cream; and the Underdog and the copycat drank +cream together out of the same bowl. Which proves, dear children, the +importance of a good example and demonstrates the power of kindness. + +So Gud, and the Underdog, and the copycat all started walking along the +Impossible Curve, all of them wondering what the next adventure would +be. But I think we had better go to bed, for too much of this kind of +stuff is likely to make us talk indiscreetly in our sleep. + + + + +Chapter XV + + +A great storm of the far-flung astronomical elements arose without +cause. The like of it had never been before nor since and it disobeyed +all laws, both known and unknown, natural and unnatural. Gud was sore +puzzled because the storm was without cause but not without effect. He +ran hither and here and darted thither and yon, and in the turmoil he +was separated from Fidu, his faithful Underdog. + +The impalpable ether that fills all space became palpable and vibrated +and palpated with incommensurate waves; and the non-popitent nether +which is beyond all space became popitent and gyrated and popitated with +calculatious ostenulations. + +Throughout the abysmal reaches of indefinite dimension the far-flung, +flaming suns were exploding with blinding flashes and deafening roars, +and their molten fragments were spewing and spilling this way and that, +knocking constellations asunder and painting cold, dead worlds with +liquid fire and blazing splendor. + +Comets fell, dragging their tails behind them, twisting and writhing as +if in pain. And the stars were falling, too. Meteors pattered as rain +upon the roof of heaven. Broken nebulae whipped along as snow-flakes +driven of the northwest wind. Pleiades smashed like hail through the +windows of space. Vile smelling gasses blew about all the interstellar +void and vastness. Tornadoes and mighty cyclones and vortices torned and +cycled vorted. + +All this frightened Gud, so that he sought for shelter from the storm. +Just then a little world came rolling by, and it wabbled as it rolled. +It did not look very safe, but it was solid underfoot. Gud boarded it +and found himself before a tiny cabin on the wabbling world. The cabin +was built of old cracker boxes and looked frail as a ten-cent toy; but +there was no other cover at hand, so Gud knocked on the cabin door to +ask for shelter. + +When no one answered, Gud entered and closed the door behind him. There +before him sat a dear little widow knitting a bellyband for someone +else's baby. She was so deaf she could not hear quinine, and so blind +she could not see a house afire, and had catarrah so badly that she +could not smell a herring; but for all that she was a very good cook. + +Gud addressed her in telepathy, saying: "I wonder if you would make me a +cake?" + +And the woman replied by thought transference and answered: "Alas, I +cannot make you a cake today, for I have but one hen and she has already +laid her one egg this morning, and I have eaten it for my breakfast." + +Then Gud said: "If you will show me the hen, perhaps I can persuade her +to lay another egg." + +So the woman called to the hen in the language of beasts and birds, and +the hen came out from under the bed where she had been looking for +insects. Gud saw that the hen had false teeth and was getting old, for +her comb was pale as roses in the night. So he flattered the vanity of +the hen by commenting on the beauty of her scarlet comb. Whereupon she +laid another egg, whilst without the cottage the astronomical storm +raged on. + +The widow picked up the egg and found that it was as fresh as home grown +lettuce. She made a curtsy to Gud and said: "I perceive that you are a +wise magician, for who ever heard of a stupid one that could make a hen +lay two fresh eggs in one day? And now I will make a little cake, which +will be big enough for one to eat." + +"Make it for two," said Gud, "for I would not like to eat alone." + +"But," said the widow, "how can I unless I have another egg, and the hen +has already laid two eggs in one day. How can she lay another?" + +"I do not know," said Gud, "but I will find out." + +So he called to the little hen again and gave her a homily on the evils +of race suicide. The hen became as moral as a tombstone and grievously +wrought up over the way her sisters were neglecting their duty, so that +she laid yet another egg. + +The widow picked up this egg and shook it also, and saw that it was even +fresher than the other one, and she made another curtsy to Gud and said: +"I perceive that you are a great fakir, but you are very clever, and so +I will make a cake for two and we shall eat it together, and perhaps +have a cup of tea, if there is any sugar in the house." + +At last the cake was put into the oven. The fire of the oven waxed hot +and the cake began to rise nicely. And when it had risen above the top +of the pan and almost to the top of the oven, the dear little widow +opened the oven door ever so softly. As she peeked in, a nearby +constellation broke asunder; the crash of the breaking shook the +wobbling world like a great earthquake, the cottage jarred as with a +blow from the hand of wrath, and the cake fell and was ruined utterly. + +Then the dear little widow began to weep because her cake had fallen, +and she was very angry through her tears and said: "What is the matter +and what happened and what ruined my cake?" + +"I fear me, it is the storm outside," replied Gud. + +"Then I think you ought to go out and stop it." + +"I will," agreed Gud. + +And he went out and stopped the storm, and while he was out he destroyed +the major portion of the local law of gravitation. + +When he came back into the cottage, the moral little hen was all +a-cackling and the dear little widow was all a-smiling, for behold, the +hen was looking at the widow, who in her hand held the lightest cake she +had ever lifted. + +After he had had his cake and eaten it, too, Gud returned to the +Impossible Curve, and as he reached it, Fidu came romping forth to meet +him. + + + + +Chapter XVI + + +As Gud passed on along the way he saw a white-haired man sitting in a +window of the sky and writing with a tattered goose quill pen, which he +dipped into a pool of blood. + + He was a sad old man with gloomy eye, + Who wrote with slow and studied inference, + Heaving the while some long and doleful sigh, + Or staring about with bored indifference. + + Around his body there were ragged clothes + As hung upon a scarecrow in the corn, + And on his coat was pinned a withered rose, + From which he slowly plucked each barbed thorn. + + Gud stopped upon his way and questioned him. + "I am a lonely soul," the old man said, + "Within this rose I find that life is grim, + Without its thorns, why even beauty's dead!" + + Gud wondered, yet it would not be polite + To break the old man's tale of woe. + "I'd like to know," the ancient said, "the candle-light-- + When we have blown it out where does it go?" + + "I do not know," said Gud, "do you?" + "Ah yes," replied the old man, "I know very well, + For I remember as if it were but yesterday how + Half dead and famished, the desert in my eyes + And hunger written on my lips + I stood there like a captain on a hill + Dreaming of his broken ships. + + "I kicked aside a stone that crushed a skull; + When from that mouth that mouldered there, + There came as if it were the voice of doom, + A haunting cry that chilled the air. + + "Then suddenly I laughed and turned my heel + In that dead face; and laughing still + I danced along the sands, played hide and seek + And chased my shadow up a hill." + +And when the old man had done with these foolish words he suddenly +seized the rose upon his coat and tore it off and cast it from him. Then +he picked up his tattered goose quill pen and dipped it in a pool and +began to write furiously. + +When the old man paused and stared up vacantly, Gud spoke to him and +asked: "What are you writing?" + +Thereupon the old man made answer and said to Gud: "I am writing a cook +book for cannibals." + +Being a vegetarian in theory if not in practice, Gud was not interested, +and he passed on, walking rapidly, so that he presently overtook a man +who was following stealthily after yet another man. + +He who followed stooped frequently and, with a two-pronged instrument, +picked up objects from the pavement. These he cast into a brazier that +he carried, wherein that which he picked up sizzled and burned and made +a stench in its burning. + +Gud wot not what the man did and would know, so he plucked at the sleeve +of yet another citizen of that place and asked of him: "Who be these +two, the one that walks alone with his face aloft, and the other that +follows after, stooping and searching for filth?" + +Said the citizen: "These be our Genius and our Critic." + +"And what do they?" asked Gud. + +To this the citizen replied: "The Genius talks words, and the Critic +follows after, and, as the words fall from the lips of Genius, the +Critic picks them up with the tongs of contempt and burns them in the +brazier of public opinion." + +"But why," asked Gud, "do the words of the Genius make a stench in their +burning?" + +"Because," said the citizen, "they are vile." + +Gud doubted that which the citizen told him, and he quickened his steps +and made bold to pass close to the Critic. Whereupon Gud, who could see +all things, saw that the words of the Genius which the Critic picked up +were not vile but beautiful; and that, when the Critic made a pass +toward the brazier, he put the word not therein but dropped it instead +into a wallet which he carried beneath his mantle. + +Gud was angered and he grasped the fellow by his egotism and shook him +until his conceit rattled and made inferential allegations of hypocrisy. + +"What is it to you," demanded the Critic, "if I spit into the brazier to +make a stench to please the people?" + +"But what do you with the words of Genius?" + +"By the holy name of Public Opinion! Why should a man do the work of a +street cleaner on the salary of a critic?" + +"I have been a public official myself," replied Gud sympathetically, +"and I know how ill such service is paid." + +This pleased the Critic and he turned and looked into Gud's face and saw +there the satisfied look of self-sufficient authority which he +recognized as akin to his own. Plucking confidentially at Gud's sleeve +he said: "As you appreciate that I must live by subtle ways, then +perhaps I can interest you in a few choice verbal gems." + +Gud realized that purchasing these words was probably illegal in this +world. But it wasn't his world, so he said: "I should like to look at +them." + +The Critic led Gud into the rear room of a perfectly respectable place +and opened up his wallet. Here, in a secluded corner, he emptied the +contents upon a table. + +Gud began fingering over the verbal gems. + +"Look at this," the Critic cried, picking up a brilliant one. + +"Too scintillating for the quiet setting I have in mind," replied Gud. +Then after examining a few more, he asked: "What will you take for the +lot?" + +"My price for the lot," said the Critic, "is the gift of power to speak +myself such words of genius as I have been defaming to please the +people, for I am weary of being a mere word picker and moral scavenger." + +Gud answered: "I can give a Critic the power to walk down the street and +spill words but I can not make a Genius pick them up." + +"Sold!" said the Critic, pushing the verbal gems across the table--and +immediately he began to babble words. But Gud noted that they were only +words of great talent. + +As he looked over the verbal gems he had purchased, Gud decided that he +had no use for them, and so he called to the departing Critic: "Where +can I sell these words?" + +"Go to Hell," shouted the Critic over his shoulder. + +So Gud went to Hell, and reaching the gate thereof he knocked and cried: +"Is this the place where one brings the words of Genius?" + +As Gud knew all things he knew the answer to his question before he +asked it, but he thought it best to ask anyway in order to verify his +omniscience. In this case it was wrong. + +"No," said the gate keeper, and he gave Gud the correct address. + +The way took Gud past seven more hells, for the people of this sphere, +being a righteous people, were amply helled. + +Reaching at last the bottom-most vault beneath the deepest hell, Gud +came upon a junk shop. + +As he entered, the proprietor, who looked both old and young, asked; +"Comest thou to buy or to sell?" + +"I have a few words which I might sell," said Gud. + +"I am not much interested in words," replied the proprietor, who looked +both old and young, "for I am a dealer in sin, and the sinfulness of +words is much over-rated." + +"But the words I have are the words of Genius." + +"Is the genius dead?" asked the dealer. + +"Not yet, but he is being hounded by a critic." + +"I'll take them in trade," suggested the dealer. + +"What do you offer?" asked Gud. + +"Anything you wish. I have a very complete catalog on crimes." + +"I am interested in sin in a sort of professional way," admitted Gud, +"let me see your goods." + +Very graciously the dealer escorted Gud through the chambers where his +stock of sins was stored. + +It was a magnificent collection. There were huge piles of thefts of +property and of honor and virtue and of good name, and great bales of +untold lies. There were infinite infidelities and even a greater number +of credulities. There were a few ragged ends not justified by the means, +and many tyrannical prohibitions and faded blue laws, and a carefully +locked cabinet, labeled "Old Maids' Wishes." + +There were easy sins for beginners and more difficult sins for hardened +criminals. There were sins with which children might please their +fathers and sins for fathers to visit upon their children and their +children's children. There were sins against men which are often +forgiven and sins against women which are never forgiven. There were +sins for the rich and sins for the poor, and a few rare sins suitable +for both. + +The old dealer sighed as they passed the murder counter. "Some of this +stock moves very slowly," he confessed. "Indeed it keeps me busy +now-a-days finding enough fresh stock to supply the demand." + +Gud was a little puzzled over the nature of this business. "Your trade," +he remarked, "is, I suppose, with the inhabitants of these neighboring +hells, supplying them with new kinds of sins?" + +"No indeed," replied the dealer, who seemed a little insulted. "The +dwellers in hells are fed up on sin. I never deal with branded sinners. +I cater only to the best of righteous trade." + +"Oh, I see, you bootleg sin in the heavens." + +"No, no, I trade with mortals, and I sell only to the conscientious and +the righteous." + +"And yet, you are stocked with every sin in the calendar; where is the +value to the righteous in such stock?" + +"Merely a matter of time and place," explained the dealer, "and the +prevailing ethical ideas of my clients. You see my business is to buy up +the moral offal of one place or time and sell it at another time or +place when or where it has high value as virtue." + +"Do you sell for cash or credit?" + +"As I do not deal with hardened sinners who would admit the value of my +wares, but only with the righteous, I dare not give credit. But as for +cash, that is not practical either, as there can be no universal medium +of exchange between people whose fundamental ideas of morality +differ--so I am obliged to trade by barter." + +"That must be troublesome." + +"Yes," agreed the dealer, "relative values differ so--in some spheres a +murder is considered more than equal to a life time of dishonesty--in +other realms murder is considered an equitable payment for the mere +accusation of untruthfulness. But the exchange values of different kinds +of thefts bother me most, they are so illogical. I have one group of +clients who place a value on thievery in an inverse ratio to the size of +the theft. Only last week one of them who had robbed a nation swept by +winter winds of all its fuel resources wished to exchange his deed for +the idea of pilfering a lock of hair from the head of his neighbor's +wife. Indeed the difficulty of finding a logical ratio between the +immoral value of a theft and the value of the property stolen is one of +the most baffling problems in the mathematics of sin." + +"A very interesting business you have," commented Gud, "and pray, how +came you to be in it?" + +"It was my father's idea, for he was a great student of morals, and +noting how they changed from age to age, he saw that if the discarded +crimes and abominations of one time or place could be transplanted to +other times and places, they would have great value as virtues. It was +only necessary to achieve immortality to make the venture practical. My +father did not achieve that for himself, as his arteries had started to +calcify before he discovered the immortality vitamin. But I fell heir to +his efforts and ideas, and I have little fault to find with the outcome. + +"But of late business has not been so good. There is too much +intercommunication: the moral values of murders, for instance, were once +the main profit of the house, and we could not get enough to satisfy the +various moral ends for which murder was justified. But now times have +changed and privately initiated murder hardly classes as moral +anywhere." + +"Then why do you not quit retailing, and trade in wholesale murders?" + +The dealer shook his head sadly. "Impractical," he sighed. "I can not +deal with states, since being without conscience they have no awareness +of sin, no sense of repentance and hence have nothing to offer in +exchange." + +In payment for the words of genius, which he left with the dealer, Gud +selected a little sin that he had been wishing to commit all his life, +and so he departed greatly pleased with his possession. + + + + +Chapter XVII + + +As Gud was passing up through hell he saw two souls which were not being +properly punished, but were strolling about as trusties of the place. +Gud approached them and asked: "Why are you two not being properly +punished?" + +The first soul made answer and said to Gud: "We need none of these +grosser punishments such as increased temperature and breathing SO_{2}, +which the ancients, who imagined hell, were able, in the limits of their +scientific knowledge, to imagine. The reason that we need no such crude +material punishments is because our spiritual suffering is quite +enough." + +And Gud saw that the soul spake the truth, for the face of both of these +trusty souls were lined with seamy sorrow. As Gud looked upon their +sufferings he wondered why it was they suffered so, and he asked: "In +what did you two sin one by one that you should be punished two by two?" + +And the second suffering soul replied, "I sinned because I believed too +vehemently that there was no god, and my companion here, because he +believed over confidently that there was a god." + +"But is it not strange," asked Gud, "that you two, who held such +opposite doctrines, should now suffer similar punishment? How do you +explain that?" + +The first soul now took up the conversation with his mouth and made +answer in this wise: "We suffer now with equal suffering, I because, +believing that there was no god, found, when I died, that there was one, +and he sent me to hell. But my companion here, who believed that there +was a god, found when he died that there was none; and so he came to +hell also, as there was no place else for him to go." + +For a moment Gud looked upon these suffering souls with puzzlement and +wonder, and then suddenly he began to laugh. + +"Why do you laugh at our sufferings?" demanded the souls angrily. + +"I am laughing at you two," said Gud, "because when you died you both +came to hell--whereas if neither of you had believed in immortality you +would not have needed to have gone anywhere." + +As Gud was passing through a dismal swamp, he came to a certain cypress +tree and sat down on a knee thereof. And presently she came also and sat +down upon the other knee of the cypress tree, and they talked about the +meeting of parallel lines. + +But they could not agree so Gud proposed that they cut their initials on +the bark of the cypress tree. + +They did so, after which they parted. And Gud went on his way and so did +she. + +But when Gud had vanished into the depths of the dismal swamp, she +turned and went back to the cypress tree and looked at the initials that +they had carved thereon. Taking the knife that Gud had left sticking in +the tree, she carved a word below the initials. Having finished the +carving, she looked up into the branches above her and behold the +foliage of the tree had withered. Then she repented for what she had +done, and in great haste, took the knife and carved yet another word. +Whereupon the tree put out fresh buds and grew again--for such is the +power of words for good or evil. + +And she smiled contentedly, for hers was the last word. + + + + +Chapter XVIII + + +Lo, the north wind trembled and the sea of sorrow froze into beauteous +frost forms that shimmered all lacy and green like ferns waving in an +ancient breeze. And frozen frogs came out of the frost ferns, croaking +and bellowing like mad, green bulls. + +The Underdog whimpered because he was afraid. So Gud bade the frogs be +quiet, and they were quiet with a great quietude, and peace reigned for +a spell or two. + +After which Gud traveled on until he met a rich merchant who was riding +across an ice floe on a camel that was gaily caparisoned and had +trappings of gold and was shod with silver shoes. And the rich merchant +hailed Gud and said: "Whither goest thou on this sleek, icy desert?" + +And Gud said: "I go my way rejoicing. But why is your eye so troubled?" + +The merchant replied: "I go in search of a strawstack." + +When his master said that, the camel stomped on the ice with his silver +shod foot and cut a round hole in the ice and kneeled down and drank his +fill of ice water. + +While the camel was kneeling, the rich merchant invited Gud to mount +upon the camel. Gud did so and the camel arose and lumbered on his +slippery way. + +The merchant and Gud sat in the howdah and smoked a hooka and told tales +of barter and of gain. This is one of the tales they told, and it +matters not which one told it, for it is a lie anyway. + + + + +Chapter XIX + + + It was a great occasion--every seat + Was filled and jewels sparkled rich and bright-- + One almost heard each throbbing heart that beat + As the orchestra filed in that gala night. + The music flared in one triumphal blast, + The leader swung his baton: the curtain rose: + Then the soprano sang of bright skies overcast, + And silence fell upon the watching rows. + + Just at that moment, some one in the crowd + Saw wisps of black smoke curl around a board. + He shouted "fire!" It was as though a shroud + Was flung around them by a righteous Lord. + + The crowd surged forth like streams that over-flow-- + And ran amuck, insane with fear and rage.... + Just then an unknown player of the piccolo + Upclambered o'er the footlights to the stage: + + "Hold! Hold!" he cried, and waved his piccolo; + "Be calm! There is no danger, if you're quiet!" + Then through the Opera House there echoed low + Such music as would calm the greatest riot. + + They faltered, then they heeded his desire, + Then paused to hearken with suspended breath, + And spellbound listened through that awful fire + Till every one of them was burned to death. + + + + +Chapter XX + + +And now the rich merchant pointed out upon the horizon a small speck +which was no larger than a woman's honesty. As the camel journeyed on +toward the horizon the speck grew in size until it was as large as the +hope of inheritance. And when they finally came up to it, behold it was +a strawstack! + +The camel started to eat the straw, but the merchant jumped down and +belabored the beast over the head with a marlin pin--whatever that +is--and cried: "Cease, thou gluttonous, stupid beast; knowest thou not +that thou wilt impale thy parched throat?" + +"Why belaborest thou the camel?" asked Gud, solicitously. + +"Because, there is a needle in this strawstack, and I came from the four +corners of the earth to find it. Do you think I am going to let this +fool beast devour it?" + +So Gud offered to hold the camel's halter while the rich merchant +searched the strawstack for the needle. + +After the merchant had looked in all the straws but one he gave up in +despair, for he had not found the needle. + +"Perseverance, dear, my lord, keeps honor bright," quoth Gud. + +Greatly encouraged, the rich merchant looked into the last straw and +found the needle. In glee he shouted and held up the needle in one hand +and the last straw in the other. + +"I perceive," said Gud, "that you are a prince of industry. But you are +also in a dilemma. If you try the last straw first and break the camel's +back, then how can the poor beast go through the eye of the needle?" + + + + +Chapter XXI + + +"Who was that fellow," asked Fidu, "who passed me just now with such a +wild, wild look in his eye?" + +"That fellow," replied Gud, "was an author who just spent a week-end +with me." + +"And what did you do to him?" asked Fidu. "He was as crazy as the +nebular hypothesis." + +"Upon his request I criticized his book, which he insisted on reading to +me." + +"But what did you say about it?" demanded Fidu, "he looked as locoed as +a lop-eared logarithm." + +"I made several criticisms. I told him that his plot was choppy, and +that most of it was stale; that the work lacked sadly in originality and +there was considerable repetition. I said it was very melodramatic in +spots and that it had entirely too many murders, and that many of the +biggest murderers seemed to escape without punishment. I also told him +that it was full of sordid realism and most unhappy endings, that it was +overloaded with action, and worst of all, it utterly lacked any evidence +of a distinct moral purpose." + +"Well no wonder," said Fidu, "that the poor fellow was raving; you made, +if I may say so, quite a severe criticism." + +"I grant that, but his book deserved it--everything I said about it was +absolutely true." + +"What did he call his book?" asked Fidu. + +"He called it," replied Gud, "'An Outline of History.'" + + + + +Chapter XXII + + +Presently Gud ran dead against an ivory wall; but being versed in +aviation, he flew over it. Having done so he went on walking. Gud +perceived that he was walking in a kingdom, and he walked warily, for he +was doubtful whether monarchy was an ideal form of government. + +His doubts increased as he noted the subjects of the kingdom, for they +appeared to be full of guile. So when he became tired and sleepy, he +durst not enter into an abode, but lay down beneath a friendly tree and +fell asleep. + +When Gud awoke he found that his sandals had been stolen from off his +feet. This made him very sorrowful, for his sandals had been well broken +to fit his own feet but he was worried lest they might hurt the feet of +the thief. So he made a hue and cry. When a subject of the kingdom +appeared, Gud demanded to be taken at once to the king. + +The king, being self-made, was not very wise and did not perceive that +Gud was his equal; therefore Gud was obliged to kneel on the little mat +that the king kept before his throne so that visitors would not bruise +their knees on the agate floor. + +When Gud had done kneeling and salaaming, the king offered him a +cigarette and selected a cigar for himself. Then he asked how the crops +were where Gud came from. + +"They are very good," said Gud, "but the morals in your kingdom are +not." + +To Gud's astonishment, the king replied meekly: "I know it." + +Gud now related to the king how the very sandals had been stolen from +off his feet as he slept beneath the tree. + +"Oh, wise stranger," cried the king, "it grieves me much to have you, +who come from a distant realm, discover that I have thus failed in the +first duty of government which is the protection of property. Therefore +let me make restitution for the injury done you in my kingdom." + +The king now sent a lackey to his treasure vault, and he fetched Gud a +pair of jeweled sandals which fitted his feet perfectly. + +Gud's grief being assuaged and his anger abated, he was genuinely sorry +for this stupid king, and said to him: "I have knocked about a bit and +picked up a few ideas in practical politics, so perhaps I can help you." + +"It is my shame and sorrow," confessed the king, "to admit to you that I +rule over a realm of thieves. We were formerly proud of our talents in +that direction, for at one time this kingdom was surrounded by rich +neighbors and our prosperity was based on the capturing of bounteous +booty from our enemies. Alas, our enemies combined and built a great +ivory wall and walled us in. And now my people steal from each other. I +have issued countless edicts against stealing, and even crucified a few +thieves, but it avails me nothing. My people steal and are proud of it. +Yet there is honor among my thieves. They are at heart law-abiding and +truth-telling citizens." + +"How do you know they are?" asked Gud. + +"I know, because I had a census taken in which I asked each and every +one if he were a thief, and all the thieves answered most truthfully +that they were thieves." + +"How do you know they answered truthfully?" questioned Gud, as he +flecked his ash. "And if they are thieves, how can they be law-abiding +citizens?" + +"That explanation is easy. You see, my people do not consider my edicts +against stealing as law because they maintain that it conflicts with +their established habits." + +"Did you say all of your citizens were thieves?" + +"No, not all; sixty per cent., to be specific. If you do not understand +percentage, that means that there are three thieves for every two honest +men." + +When the king said this Gud's eyes brightened and a satisfied smile +beamed on his courtly countenance. "The trouble," said he, "is that your +system of government is wrong." + +"What?" exclaimed the king. "I am the government. Am I wrong?" + +"Yes, you should have another government." + +"You mean that I should hire an assassin to kill me, so that my son +should be the government?" + +"No," replied Gud, "I mean that you should have a different form of +government." + +"I never heard of a different form of government!" declared the king, +throwing his cigar on the rug in his excitement. + +"Then I will explain it to you. What you need is a democracy. Your +people want it for they have an innate sense of it already. They believe +in the majority rule. Because the majority of them are thieves they want +stealing legalized. In fact, to make law against stealing is, under the +circumstances, very demoralizing, for it breeds contempt for law." + +"By my crown!" exclaimed the king, slapping his knee. "You are right. If +you will just show me how, we will make this democracy." + +So Gud showed the king how to write a declaration of independence and +frame a democratic constitution, and then they staged abdication and the +king placed his crown in the historical museum. + +When the king had done that, Gud said: "Now have a bill passed making +stealing legal so that the law will agree with the habits and customs of +the majority." + +When the king had done that also Gud said: "You are more popular than +ever, so start a secret society to be called 'The Ancient Order of +Honest Thieves.' Write the constitution and by-laws yourself and make +every citizen of your democracy eligible to membership, providing he can +show proof that he has stolen something; but make it a first principle +of honor that a thief shall not steal from a fellow thief." + +The king was delighted, and straightway did all which Gud demanded. + +The society was so popular that not only the thieves joined, but the +honest men became thieves and joined also. Everything went well until +all the citizens of the democracy but one had become members of the +"Ancient Order of Honest Thieves." Everything that this man had +possessed had been stolen, and he was naked and hungry, so finally he +decided to join the society. There being no one else left to steal from, +the last honest man stole the jeweled slippers that the king had given +unto Gud. + +At this Gud became so angry that he declared himself emperor, and hanged +the king on a rainy day. + + + + +Chapter XXIII + + +When Gud came upon the stupid girl she was sitting under an apple tree +and weeping bitterly. + +"Why do you weep?" asked Gud. + +"I weep," replied the girl, "because I am in disgrace." + +"Oh, I see, you are a fallen woman. Why don't you commit suicide?" + +"But I am too young to die," moaned the girl, "and besides I haven't +fallen yet. I am weeping because they tell me I am immodest." + +"But why do they say you are immodest?" asked Gud, as he picked up a +green apple and tasted it to see if it were ripe. + +"Because," explained the girl, "I made me a bathing pettitcoat and went +bathing in the pool. Someone had told me how to make it and how to sew +lead sinkers in the hem of it. But I could only remember that it was +something about fishing tackle, and I sewed corks in the hem instead of +sinkers, and so when I went bathing, the skirt floated on the top of the +water." + +Gud stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I can put out the eyes of the +fishes," he suggested. + +"But they would still remember." + +"I can kill the fishes," offered Gud. + +"But the fishes might have souls, and besides, it wasn't so much what +the fishes saw or even what the people thought the fishes saw." + +"What was it?" asked Gud. + +"The trouble was that my bathing suit was not in style." + +"Oh, if that is all I will change the style.... There, go to the drug +store and watch the clerks marking up the price of corks." + +"Wonderful," cried the girl, "me to be the leader of styles--But I wore +this week's styles last week--they will say I was too forward and +therefore immodest." + +Gud reached in a pocket of his robe and took out a patent calendar. This +he turned back two weeks. "You should worry," he said, "I have made it +week before last. You did not appear in the new-style bathing suit until +next week. Does that fix everything?" + +"Y-e-s," stuttered the girl doubtfully. "But what about the fishes?" + +"I turned them back too," explained Gud. "But in all fairness, I ought +to warn you about the lobsters. You see they go backwards naturally, and +when I reversed the order of things just now I noticed that the lobsters +went ahead two weeks--it is all a matter of relativity, you see." + +"No, I don't see," blubbered the girl, "for I am very stupid," and she +began to weep again. + +"Why are you weeping again?" demanded Gud. + +"Because I failed in my examination. I got everything wrong-wise and +upse-turvy." + +"Don't worry," said Gud, "I have changed all things, so that what you +answered in your examination is the truth and has always been the truth +and all contrary belief are false and always have been false." + +"Thank you so kindly," smiled the girl, "but there is just one thing +more. I can't understand the difference between an equilateral triangle +and an isosceles triangle--and I just hate all triangles." + +"Forget them," consoled Gud, "for I have destroyed all triangles." + +Just then the girl noticed in alarm that the apples which had been on +the ground were dropping up and alighting on the tree. + +"Be not alarmed," said Gud, "I only changed the law of gravitation as it +applies to apples." + +And now they saw a procession coming through the orchard headed by the +President of the Academy to proclaim the stupid girl as a virgin +prophetess who had revealed to that world many great truths that had +been hidden from the minds of the old masters. And when the old masters +saw the apples that lay about the girl dropping up, one by one, to the +tree above her, they became filled with holy zeal and abject worship and +bowed down humbly before her and cried: + +"Hail, hail, prophetess, for the end of the world cometh, and thou, in +thy holy wisdom, must tell us what we should do to be saved." + +"Oh, forget it till next week," said the girl, "and then you will see me +in my new-style bathing suit." + +And Gud departed from that place in great sorrow, for once again he saw +a world confounded and worshiping a fool. + + + + +Chapter XXIV + + +About a decade later, Fidu came running up to Gud. For a moment he was +too excited to speak and could only bark, but when he again found his +articulation the Underdog said: "Oh master, come quick, for there is a +poor beggar sitting over there on the steps of the almshouse and holding +out his hat for alms; but few give to him and he is weak and starving." + +Gud followed Fidu and came to the beggar who was poor and wretched +indeed. And Gud said to him: "I will not reveal my lack of intelligence +by dropping coins into your hat, for I know as well as you do that +indiscriminate charity does not alleviate poverty. So throw your coppers +into the gutter and put your hat on your head, while we discuss the +cause of your impecunity." + +The beggar discarded his few coins and placed his hat on his head. + +"Now," began Gud, "let us consider your situation intelligently. There +is usually some relation between cause and effect. The effect in your +case is poverty complicated by charity. I could destroy the effect by a +miracle and make you rich, but I have tried tampering with the law of +cause and effect, and I find it dangerous business. It is best to change +the cause and let the law change the effect. + +"Quite right you are, kind sir," agreed the beggar. + +"What was the cause of your poverty?" asked Gud. "Was it indolence, or +drink, or--" + +"No, no," interrupted the beggar, "none of those common things. My +poverty was caused by the ruin of my profession." + +"What was your profession?" demanded Gud. + +The beggar straightened up as proudly as he could and said: "I was a +novelist!" + +"Yes," said Gud, "Go on." + +"And my profession has been blasted and ruined utterly." + +"And how did that happen?" + +"I do not know how it happened," replied the beggar, a baffled look +coming into his eyes; "worse yet not even the critics know--but it +happened--it happened--the impossible happened." + +"Come, come," called Gud, shaking him by the shoulder, "you are +babbling, speak up, what happened?" + +The beggar looked up at Gud, a glint of horror in his eyes, and murmured +slowly: "Someone destroyed the eternal triangle.... There can never be +any more novels, ... nor plays ... nor movies ... nor realism ... nor +romance ... nor royalties ... nor dinners at the Alhambra with +Gwendolyn ... nor.... Please sir, just a copper, I am old and lame." + +"Cheer up," encouraged Gud, "I feel it my duty to help you. Was this +triangle that seemed to have been the life of your business equilateral +or isosceles?" + +"Neither," replied the beggar, now with the bearing of a true novelist, +"it was the eternal triangle which is a plot of a certain very literary +relation of the sexes, in which three individuals form the angles." + +"Why just three?" asked Gud. + +"It seems that three sell best," said the novelist. "Two do not interest +the reader, and four, five or more tire him; three characters sell best, +which is why such a triangle is called eternal." + +"I understand that three elements make the best triangle--and one +shouldn't fool too much with mathematics. But what about these sexes?" + +"It makes no difference," replied the beggar, "how the sexes are +arranged, just so both sexes are represented on the triangle." + +"Both sexes," repeated Gud--"then you only have two sexes?" + +"Certainly, three characters of two sexes form the eternal triangle, any +way you arrange them; isn't that perfectly simple?" + +"It is simple, more simple than perfect. Now, pick up the coins you cast +into the gutter and buy yourself a pencil and a pad and start to work. +You will find eternal triangles have become as plentiful as lies, and +what is more important, perfectly moral." + +"You speak," replied the novelist, "with authority, and my understanding +will come, no doubt, with inspiration. I thank you sir, especially for +your hopeful words about the possibilities of fiction becoming moral. +You can not realize how the necessity of dealing with immorality wears +on the conscience of a novelist; nor how those hypocritical critics +revile us by insinuating that we write of immorality because we live it. +We write of it, sir, because the editors and the public demand it, and +for no other reason. If immorality in fiction were not profitable we +would not write at all. Again I thank you sir, and good day to you." + + + + +Chapter XXV + + +As Gud and the Underdog walked on their way, they passed through a dark +valley where they could hardly see in the murkiness to keep their feet +on the Impossible Curve, and so they proceeded slowly with eyes and ears +alert. + +Presently Fidu stopped and cocked his ear, for his sense of hearing was +more acute than his master's. When Gud refused to stop, Fidu ran on for +a time, and then he stopped again and listened, and this time Gud +stopped and listened also, whereupon he heard from afar, the sound as of +a heavy clanking chain. + +As they traveled on again the sound grew louder and was mingled with +mumbling and smothered curses. It was Fidu, as usual, who ran ahead and +found the object from whence came the mumblings of smothered curses. + +When Gud drew near he saw a poor being chained to a great rock. Gud +tapped the rock with his staff and discovered from its adamantine nature +that it was the Rock of Conservatism. But he could not identify the +being who was so securely chained, thereto. + +"Who are you," demanded Gud, "and why are you chained up here in this +brutal fashion?" + +The being only answered with more mumbled cursings. + +"If he cannot state his case," said Gud, "why should he expect me to +free him?" + +"But master, there is a smaller chain across his mouth." + +"So there is," observed Gud, and he reached over and severed that +smaller chain. + +"I thank you," said the prisoner, "but there is little more that I can +say, for I am still chained to the Rock of Conservatism." + +"Oh, very well," replied Gud, as he severed the great chain also. "And +now please tell me who you are and why you are bound here?" + +The creature arose and stretched his aching bones. "I am Free Speech," +said he, "and who are you?" + +And Gud replied: "I am Gud." + +"I never heard of you and what is your business?" + +"I am retired. What is your business?" + +"My business was talking too much until they bound me. But now that I am +again free, I intend to go on talking and saying just what I please. For +one thing I do not like that ridiculous old bath robe you wear. If you +don't care for pants, why wear anything?" + +"Have you always been in the business of talking too much?" inquired +Gud. + +"No," replied Free Speech, "I was once a school master but I got into +difficulty. I had a private school and both the Just and the Unjust sent +their children to my school. The Just believed that the world was flat +and the Unjust believed that the world was round--" + +"Which was it?" asked Gud. + +"Keep still and let me talk. The Just wanted me to teach their children +that the world was flat and the Unjust wanted me to teach their children +that the world was round. So I organized two classes in geography and +taught the children of the Just that the world was flat and the children +of the Unjust that the world was round. The Just had me arrested, but I +escaped and went into the business of talking too much and saying what I +pleased and asking all the questions I wanted to; and while I am +grateful to you for your releasing me, all you did was your duty, and I +don't feel there is any privilege of back talk coming to you; and yet +you look like you were pretty wise, and there are one or two things that +I don't know yet. For instance, has a ghost a soul or is he a soul? +Well, I see you don't know, but maybe you can tell me whether sins are +washed away by death-bed repentance, though I really don't care, for it +is not important. But I would like to know if faith will remove +mountains. I don't believe it will for when I was a small lad I went to +live with my grandmother. There was an ugly mountain back of her house +and grandmother decided to remove it by faith and she prayed all one +evening that the mountain be moved that night. The next morning she woke +up and looked out the kitchen window and said: 'I knew that old mountain +would still be there.' Which reminds me of a fellow I knew who was a +faith healer by profession, and mighty successful, too, and went all up +and down the land healing by faith and getting paid handsomely for it. +But his wife at home was an invalid: I asked her why her husband did not +heal her and she said, 'I lack faith in him.' + +"Do you know why they call sleep innocent, considering the kind of +dreams people have? Or why blood is thicker than water? Or what there is +about a sphinx that makes people think it knows the answer to riddles? +Or why a greased egg won't hatch? Or whether a man in hot water is more +uncomfortable than a round peg in a square hole?" + +"No," replied Gud, "I do not know any of these things and I am sorry I +unbound you." + +"I knew you would be," cried Free Speech, "I could tell by your old gray +gown and those antiquated whiskers that you were a conservative and a +hide-bound Puritan, but I tell you right now that you can't stop me +talking by tying me up, and that it won't do you any good if you do. And +that Underdog of yours is no better than you are. The Underdog must be +educated by me, though he is usually so stupid that he chases after the +copycat instead of listening to me talk, and so I don't really care as +much what becomes of him as I pretend I do--and did you ever hear the +story about--" + +But Gud clapped his hand over the mouth of Free Speech and called: +"Quick, Fidu, fetch me the chain." + +As Fidu and Gud marched on their way it was to the sound of muttering +and mumbled curses and the clanking of a heavy chain. + + + + +Chapter XXVI + + +"Master," remarked Fidu, "I have long suspected that in following this +Impossible Curve we are not getting anywhere." + +"What difference does it make?" replied Gud, "we are only walking for +recreation." + +"Oh, yes, I know all that, but still, I do not like to walk in a circle, +because it makes me dizzy." + +"But we can't be walking in a circle," argued Gud, "because a circle is +quite probable and this curve is impossible." + +"That may also be true, Master, but nevertheless we just passed that +world again where you made a virgin prophetess out of a stupid girl, and +I know that building ahead of us is the almshouse on the steps of which +we found the poor old beggar whom you made so happy." + +Gud looked ahead. "Yes, Fidu," he agreed, "you are right; and perhaps we +shall meet him again, for he will not be a beggar now but a rich and +prosperous novelist." + +But alas! when they came up to the almshouse they found the same old +beggar looking more disreputable than before. + +Gud reached over and shook him, but he did not stir nor answer. Gud +turned quickly away and called Fidu, and they passed on. + +"Why did he not speak?" asked Fidu. + +"Because," answered Gud, "the poor old fellow was dead, apparently of +starvation." + +"And you thought that he would be rich and prosperous." + +"Yes, yes, so I did. I gave him the chance of his life, too, by making +triangles with three sexes and therefore perfectly moral--it just goes +to show how useless it is to attempt to salvage these mendicants." + + + + +Chapter XXVII + + +As Gud was knocking about among the stars he saw yet another world +spinning idly on its axis as it floated aimlessly in the nebulous ether. +Prompted by curiosity he drew nearer and observed that the ether was +full of ghosts. Most of them seemed to be observing the conduct of the +beings in the material world below, and Gud rightly judged them to be +demised of that reality and amusing themselves by watching the doings of +their descendants. + +But there was one ghost of an old woman that seemed sore troubled and +full of yearning for the beings of the world below, as if she would +communicate to them some message and could find not the means of +communication. Filled with compassion, Gud approached the ghost of the +old woman and asked if he might be of service to her. But she merely +gazed up at him out of troubled eyes and did not speak. Again Gud +addressed her and again she answered not; and Gud concluded that she was +a very dumb ghost. + +Thereupon Gud imagined a powerful medicine and poured it out in a +make-believe goblet and gave to the dumb ghost to drink thereof. She +accepted it gratefully and drank copiously; and immediately her mouth +opened so that she spake volubly. + +When she had done with her thanks for the miracle, Gud asked her why she +was troubled and why she looked upon the world below with such distress. + +"It is quite a long story," she began, as she seated herself upon the +Rock of Ages. + +This being the only rock in the neighborhood, Gud was obliged to create +another rock so that he could be seated also, for the story promised +well. + +When Gud was comfortably seated, the old ghost of the old woman resumed: +"I was the first lady of the land, that you see below us, and the mother +of the first family on that poor deluded world. I had a very dear +husband who was the father of my children--of that there was no doubt, +for he was never jealous. But I was not his first wife, for he had been +married before to a most loquacious creature who had talked herself into +hysterics and died. + +"My husband loved me greatly and in order to escape the sound of women's +voices, he brought me to this world which you now see so full of our +descendants. + +"Then it was only inhabited by savage beasts and we were the first +people who trod its wild shores. We settled down in a beautiful cave and +made a happy home there and numerous children came to bless our union. + +"My husband loved these children and made many toys to amuse them, for +he was clever with his jack-knife. One day he came home with a great +chunk of dry, soft wood and began to whittle on it, while all the +children stood about and wondered what he was making. + +"Day by day they watched him as he shaped and carved the wood until he +had made a most comical and grotesque object with grinning teeth, and +eyes which he blackened with charcoal. The children were afraid of this +ugly, carved wooden creature, and yet they loved it because their father +had made it for them. So when it was all finished, he perched it up on +the mantle over the horsehair sofa and told the children not to touch +it. + +"When they asked him what it was he said that it was Bahgung; and he +told them that while they slept Bahgung stole out of the cave and went +on long expeditions and had great adventures. The children loved these +tales of the doings of Bahgung, and so my husband made many tales of +Bahgung and his adventures. + +"I wanted to warn him that the children could not discriminate between +fact and fiction and might believe these tales, but I was dumb and could +say nothing. + +"When my dear husband saw the worry in my eyes he guessed the cause and +said: 'When they get older, I will explain to them that these are only +fairy tales and they will forget them.' + +"But he did not explain, and went on making up more and yet more tales +of the might and prowess of the wooden carved Bahgung. If the children +were naughty, he told them that Bahgung would punish them, and when they +were good he told them that Bahgung would award them. + +"One day when I came quietly into the cave I saw my little girl kneeling +before Bahgung, and she was talking to him and beseeching him to cause +her brother give back a pretty shell which he had taken from her. I was +worried at all this, but being dumb I could say nothing. + +"It was a few days later that my dear husband was eaten by a crocodile +while he was fishing. There being no remains we had a modest private +funeral, none but the family being present; and I took up as best I +could the duties of providing for my children. + +"After their father's death the children talked still more to Bahgung +and told him all their troubles. They seemed to love the idol and yet to +fear him, and to believe he was alive though they could see him before +them as only a carved wooden thing. + +"So much they worshiped Bahgung that I feared to destroy him, and I +therefore allowed the wooden idol to stand on the mantle over the old +horsehair sofa that we had brought with us from another world. + +"I still supposed that when the children grew up they would forget this +miserable idol of carven wood. But alas! they did not. I did not dare +destroy the idol, for the children adored it more than they did me who +had brought them into the world of my own flesh and blood. I wanted also +to explain to them that Bahgung was only a wooden idol and as dead and +worthless as any rotten stick, but being dumb I could say nothing. + +"When my children left home, they would come back on pilgrimages, and to +me it seemed that they came back more to worship Bahgung than to see +their old mother. So in my desire to see my children the more I +permitted Bahgung to stand on the mantle above the horsehair sofa in the +cave. + +"One day my oldest son and oldest daughter came at the same time to +visit me and to worship Bahgung. It was then that my son proposed that +he take Bahgung to his own cave. Being dumb I could say nothing, but my +daughter objected. + +"'Very well,' said my son, 'leave the old thing here. I will make a +better one of my own.' + +"The next time I visited my son, I found that he, too, had made a +creature, which he modeled out of clay, even more cleverly than his +father had carved. And this creature was sitting on a little pedestal in +a small cave of its own and my son was teaching my grandchildren to +bring it offerings and make worship and prayers to it--all of which I +thought most silly. + +"Finally I died and my numerous descendants gave me a grand funeral and +paraded Bahgung at the head of the procession and all their lesser idols +after him. But being dumb and dead also, I could say nothing. + +"So that was how it all started, the idol worship, in that world you see +below us, and for thousands on thousands of generations those poor +deluded descendants of mine made and worshiped idols of wood and clay +and stone and metal, while I hovered over them, knowing all the while +how the delusion started in my own dear husband's innocent desire to +amuse our children with a home-made toy." + +"That is a very interesting account of the origin of idol worship," +commented Gud, "I never heard so plausible a theory." + +"Theory!" repeated the old ghost, "but it isn't theory, I would have you +know. It is plain fact--did I not see the whole beginning of this folly +with my own eyes, and did I not heft that old carcass of rotten wood +with my own hands?" + +"Perhaps," admitted Gud, "still--" and he peered searchingly through the +haze at the world below--"still, I do not see them worshiping idols down +there now? The only idols I can see are in the museums along with the +stuffed mermaids and two-headed serpents." + +"Of course," replied the old ghost, "they have long since grown too +sophisticated to worship material idols of wood and stone, but they have +idols just the same, which they call 'gods not made with hands'." + +Gud felt a little uncomfortable at this remark, but before he could +think of anything to say the ghost of the first woman of that land which +lay below them, continued. "I will tell you how that came about, too, +for I was hovering near at the time. There was a lazy philosopher. He +had no idol except a worm-eaten old wooden one which some one had given +him, and which he kept in a hovel. One day the shanty caught fire from a +defective flue and his idol was burned and there was no insurance. The +philosopher was too lazy to make another and too poor to buy one, for +the idol makers by that time were charging high prices. So the lazy fool +sat out on a stump and dreamed how to get another idol without working +to pay for it. + +"His thoughts, as I read them at that time, ran something like this: 'An +idol is a material creature of wood or stone or metal, which is used by +the worshiper as a material nucleus to concentrate the attention and +stimulate the imagination. The imagination constructs an immaterial +being or god to dwell within the material idol. As this imagined god is +the creature that answers supplications and heaps curses on one's +enemies, therefore the benefits to the worshiper must come from the use +of his own imagination. Now it would be more difficult to imagine a god +without having the idol to start from, hence if one could achieve it he +would use his imagination more and thereby get a better god.' + +"So the philosopher set his imagination to work and imagined himself a +god without going to the expense of buying an idol. He was so well +pleased with his wholly imagined god that he went out and proclaimed to +others, and soon he had a host of lazy chaps who agreed to pay him for +the privilege of worshiping his imagined god and thus saving the cost of +idols. + +"The scheme was so lucrative that other philosophers set up other +psychic idols, and that is what they have down there now. If you doubt +me, look over there in the left corner of the nearer hemisphere and you +can see the smoke of a war. Those people are fighting, trying to make +each other accept their particular psychic idols." + +Gud looked and saw the war, that it was great and that there was much +smoke; and even a faint stench was wafted up to him of the flesh of +unbelievers being burned by the faithful. + +Gud looked also toward another quarter and saw other smoke. "And what is +that war?" he asked, pointing it out. + +"That," replied the old ghost, "is a war between two groups who both +want to worship the same psychic idol, but one group wishes to worship +it in silence and meditation and the other wishes to worship it with +drums and cymbals." + +Gud sniffed the ether from that direction and found that it also smelled +of burning flesh. He did not like the odor and he arose as if to go +toward the unhappy world. + +"Where are you going?" asked the old ghost. + +"I was just wondering, whether, if those unhappy people had a real god +would they not quit all this war and devote their time to harmonious +worship?" + +"Don't be a fool," laughed the old ghost, "if you go down there as a +stranger preaching some new god they will pour oil on you and set you up +to light the town for a night." + +Gud sighed and sat down on the stone again. "I suppose they would," he +admitted, "and I suppose now that I have given you back your power of +communication, you will be wanting to go down there and find a good +medium and preach atheism through spirit messages, since you know what a +fraud all their gods are." + +"I shall do nothing of the sort," declared the old ghost. "Of course, if +I could have had a great doctor like you to have restored my speech +while I was yet alive, then I could have explained to my children just +how it all started, and this folly would have never been. But it is too +late now." + +"What are you going to do?" asked Gud, for he saw that the old ghost had +arisen with a very determined look on her face as if she surely meant to +do something. + +"I am going down there," she asserted; "but I shall not bother with any +silly mediums. I am going to materialize as a woman of great wealth and +beauty, and I am going to captivate and hire the best sculptors and +architects in the land, and under my direction they will build an +enormous fine temple and set up a great idol, the splendor of which that +miserable world has never seen--" + +"Just what kind of an idol?" interrupted Gud. + +"An image of Bahgung, of course," cried the old ghost. "What else would +you suppose? Wasn't he the first of all their idols, and the best of all +them?" + +"But--" said the astonished Gud, "I thought that you did not believe in +that idol and disliked to see your children worship him." + +"So I did, in a way, because it was only a crude, wooden carving that my +silly husband had made with his jack-knife--but Bahgung was a great god +for all of that. Why, didn't he heal my youngest child of that terrible +fever when I prayed to him that fearful night? And didn't he tear the +great stone from the cliff that rolled down and killed the tiger? And +didn't he--" + +But Gud heard no more, for he was racing madly through the ether and +pinching himself to see if he were real. + + + + +Chapter XXVIII + + +Having come a long way and being footsore and weary Gud felt that it was +time to retire. But he possessed no sleeping garments. So he caused a +deep sleep to fall upon the Underdog and then Gud lay down and slept in +his waking garments. + +But the Underdog dreamed a dream and when Gud heard what the Underdog +was dreaming, he arose and drew his long knife and cut off the +Underdog's ear so that the beast could not hear what he was +dreaming--for it was the kind of dream that Underdogs should never hear, +and, if it is not deleted by the censor, this is what it was: + + + + +Chapter XXIX + + + Thirteen respectable spinsters + Of the respectable town of Murch, + Gave a very respectable party + For their eminent orthodox church. + + On a green and grassy pasture + By the side of the River Runch + They sat with the Reverend Quondam + And partook of a dainty lunch. + + None could have said they were pretty, + Not even those in the "know," + Yet no one denied in the city + That their names were as white as the snow. + + And just at the moment of eating + The breast of a tender chicken, + The Reverend Quondam observed + The grey skies overhead thicken. + + Within a neighboring farmhouse + He betook his respectable form, + Accompanied by all of the ladies + In deadly fear of the storm. + + Then lightning came and the thunder + Like the crashing of seventeen earths, + And in that respectable party + Occurred three premature births. + + + + +Chapter XXX + + +The next morning when the Underdog awoke he had an imagination that a +fly had alighted on the ear which Gud had cut off. The Underdog grieved +because he could not flop the ear which he no longer possessed and so +dislodge the fly that he imagined had alighted thereon. + +This made bad blood at the breakfast table so that the Underdog growled +ungratefully over the bone of contention which Gud threw him. + +All that day they walked with their eyes averted and said nothing until +they came to the place where the birds of faith roosted on the waves of +the wireless; and then they both rejoiced, for here was good game, +easily ensnared because it had faith and trust. + +So Gud spoke comradely to the Underdog and the Underdog wagged +cordially. Gud built a snare out of weeping willow twigs, and the +Underdog ran round the birds and barked the birches. Presently an old +bird that was steadfast in the faith walked into the snare and Gud +reached out his hand and took the bird, and it perched upon his shoulder +and told him why love grows cold. This made Gud very happy, for he had +always wanted to know. + + + + +Chapter XXXI + + + The mists that whirl in greater mists + Around the cliffs of space + Leave little drops of glistening water + Upon His wrinkled face. + + Have you heard Him, as walking through + The valleys of the night + He paces ever back and forth, + Silent, old and white? + + Upon some jagged piece of dust + As high as night is high + He watches all the tiny worlds + Go spinning down the sky. + + Around Him are the burning stars + That toss like little ships + And winds blow out of dim unknowns + Across His very lips. + + Have you heard Him amid the silence, + Vast as a silken cloud, + Lifting His arms with jewelled pendants, + Cloaked in a heavy shroud? + + + + +Chapter XXXII + + +As Gud and Fidu journeyed on they came to a rippling rivulet and saw two +women who were bathing in the laughing water. Gud was not astonished at +what he saw because Gud sees all things, and familiarity breeds +contempt. Neither were the women alarmed, because they were busy talking +and did not see Gud. + +"I am sick of love," one woman said. + +Whereupon the other woman said: "My husband understands me." + +Just then the Underdog came up panting and athirst and started to lap of +the laughing waters of the rippling rivulet. Gud thrust his hand out and +jerked the poor beast away. Alas, too late! Fidu had drunk of the +bewitched water and when the moon changed its name and a meteor fell +into a fit of despondency; the Underdog went mad and frothed at the +mouth and bit the hand that fed him, which was the right hand of Gud. + +Gud made a tourniquet out of a miser's heart-strings, so that the +infection did not pass above the elbow; and he applied leeches to the +wound and also an ointment of soothing words so that the pain abated. +But the poison of falsehood was so potent that Gud found his right hand +had become a deceitful hand and could not write the truth. So Gud +exchanged his right hand for his left hand, which was very easy to do +since he was in the Nth dimension and outside the limitations of +three-dimensional space. + +When Fidu, the Underdog, went mad he lost his reason. Gud did not note +this at the time because of his own affliction. But after his wound had +healed so that it ceased to hurt anything but his conscience, Gud +observed, as they walked along, that Fidu had lost his reason. The poor +dog walking along there without his reason looked so unreasonable that +Gud's heart was touched with compassion and he said: "Fidu, it grieves +me to see you without a reason. Here, take mine." + +Fidu looked up gratefully out of his sad, mad eyes as Gud handed him his +reason. Glad to have a reason again Fidu seized it in his mouth and ran +off, frisking and twisting and wanting to bark, which he could not do +because he was carrying Gud's reason in his mouth. So he ran ahead and +came to a place where the curve crossed over a deep, dark stream. +Glancing down into the mirror-like surface of the water, the Underdog +saw his reflection. He did not think the reflection was another dog with +another reason in his mouth--for Fidu had his reason in his mouth and +was still mad in his eyes. When he saw his reflection in the water, he +thought it was a porcupine or a civet cat or some other unapproachable +creature, and so he barked; and in doing so he let Gud's reason fall +into the water. Down, down sank the reason of Gud into the dark, deep +water, for it was a very weighty reason. + +Fidu did not attempt to dive after it, but the poor, mad dog just stood +there and let it sink out of sight into the deep dark water. + +When Gud came up he, too, was without his reason and he thought Fidu, +standing forlornly on the bridge, was an evil genius. When the mad dog +ran on into the gloomy wilderness that was beyond the stream, the mad +Gud followed after him and became lost in the wildness of the +wilderness. + +As Gud wandered on amid the gloomy shadows, the void in his mind, where +his reason had been, became filled with many strange illusions, and he +discovered that he could now believe many things that he had not +previously been able to believe because they had been unreasonable. +Faith in things unseen grew within him. The fourth dimension and the +squared circle no longer annoyed him. He found that chimeras were very +real and also wyverns, and that metaphysical hypotheses were as solid +substance and as proven facts. + +Gud now understood for the first time in his life that he was Gud and at +the same time he was a holy ghost, and that he was also his own father. +This last bit of unreasonable comprehension especially relieved Gud. He +was sorry he had not accepted it sooner, for because of it he had never +really written his autobiography. When he had started to write, he began +by describing his father as being in existence before his own birth, and +yet Gud had realized that such could not be, as he and his father were +one and the same being. The situation had confused Gud's reason, but now +with his reason gone it was all very clear. + +There were also many other things which Gud had been unable to accept +with his reason, but which now, with no appeal to reason, he gladly +embraced, and so reveled joyously in his growing faith. The +transfiguration of souls particularly entranced him, and he spent many +happy hours, as he walked along amid the gloomy shadows of the wildness +of the wilderness, in picking out favorite animals to have been and to +be. He rather favored having been a quacking ornithorhynchus and going +to be a ring-straked giraffe; and yet the claims of the groundhog, which +sleeps half its life away, also appealed to Gud, because he had a long +time to live. Having considered these and many others, Gud decided to +have been all the unattractive animals in the past and to be all the +nice ones in the future. After all, he had plenty of past and future and +there was no occasion for abbreviating the list. + +With his reason gone Gud also accepted polytheism as being quite +compatible with monotheism. He no longer found it objectionable to be +the only god and yet have a lot of assistant gods, for he saw that this +would relieve him of a great deal of labor. + +And thus it came about that through the loss of his reason many +irrational things which he had previously disputed and disbelieved were +now lucid and believable. So gratified was Gud as he realized the +magnitude of his growing faith that he gave a great shout of joy. + +The shout echoed through the wildness of the wilderness, and the echo +came back to Gud; and Gud thought it was a lion's roar. + +The mad Underdog also heard Gud's shout and the echo of Gud's shout, and +he thought the shout was the blast of a war trumpet, and that the echo +was the noise of the celebration of peace. + +But Gud did not know what Fidu thought, for Gud was mad. If Gud could +only have looked sanely into Fidu's insane eyes, a deal of trouble might +have been avoided. But he could not; and Gud thought the echo of his +shout was the roar of a mighty, wicked lion, and he thought Fidu thought +so, too. And maybe he did. + +Then the lion's roar roared again. But Gud was not afraid, for he had +no reason to be afraid. Filled with unreasonable faith and valor, Gud +seized his staff and charged into the jungle after the lion's roar. And +Fidu, the Underdog, followed after Gud, for why shouldn't a mad dog +follow a mad master? + +The lion's roar roared yet again. The hair on the mad Underdog's back +bristled. The dark, dank jungle trembled with the lion's roar. The +monkeys in the tree tops chattered with excitement, for it looked to +them as if there was going to be a fight. + +Gud charged through the underbrush brandishing his staff and came face +to face with the lion's roar. And Gud struck viciously and valorously at +the lion's roar. But it was only the illusion of a lion's roar and Gud's +staff went through the incorporeal stuff like a whip lash through mercy. + +Then the lion's roar roared once again, and this time so mightily that +Gud died of fright. + +When the Underdog came upon the scene, the roar, ashamed of its +unreality, had slunk off into the wilderness, and all was quiet in the +gloom and the shadow of death. + +Fidu sniffed pathetically at his dead master, and then, filled with +remorse, he whined piteously, for now that his master was dead the poor +mad dog regretted that he had lost Gud's reason. + +For a long time Fidu sat in silent vigil by his dead master's side, +grieving as hard as a poor mad dog could. But at last he arose and +licked the right hand of Gud, which he had bitten in his madness, and +gazed again into his dead master's face. + +Then, mad though he was, Fidu turned and trotted with unerring canine +instinct back to the bridge across the stream. Reaching the bridge he +faltered not but dove off bravely into the deep, dark water and +retrieved Gud's reason. + +All wet and cold, he came back to his poor master's side and laid Gud's +reason down beside Gud's head and then barked loudly. + +But Gud did not hear the bark of the Underdog, for Gud was dead. So it +must be that the hero of this tale, in what shall come hereafter, is +only the Ghost of Gud. + + + + +Chapter XXXIII + + + The mists that whirl in greater mists + Around the cliffs of space + Leave little drops of water + Upon his wrinkled face. + + Have you heard Him, as walking through + The valleys of the night + He paces ever back and forth, + Silent, old and white? + + Upon some jagged piece of dust + As high as night is high, + He watches all the tiny worlds + Go spinning down the sky. + + Around Him are the burning stars + That toss like little ships, + The winds blow out of dim unknowns + Across his very lips. + + Have you seen Him amid the silence, + Vast as a silken cloud, + Lifting His arms with jeweled pendants + Cloaked in a heavy shroud? + + When sweeping through the open night + Great pinions touch the face; + Vast wings that fold the face of God + Against the breast of space; + + We hear the hills that all one's life + Were silent as the sun, + Break forth in songs that waited there + Since life had first begun. + + We reach out for the fluttering hand + And finding it is gone, + We know the stars that shake the sky + Are only old and wan. + + We stand and listen and we know + That rising through the night + Pass all the hosts of all the years + Death ever hides from sight. + + So much and yet so little then + With thrust that follows thrust.... + The paltry things of paltry life + Shrink swiftly into dust. + + We lift our hungry hands to Heaven + For pity and in pain + The only answer ever given + Is that fancy and faith remain. + + Wars we wage that One might rule.... + Proud and jealous is He. + With fire and sword we crush the fool + Who does not bend the knee. + + Temple and palace, hovel and hut, + Dreamer and doer of deeds, + At least one door is never shut, + God answers all our needs. + + He walks the crest of some far hill + Against the setting sun, + The presence of a mighty will + Whose journey is never done. + + Into the night and over the dawn + All the things that are + Through empty voids go plunging on.... + Planet and sun and star. + + Yet He we worship died years ago + Like some poor human clod, + And that which wanders to and fro + Is only the ghost of God! + + + + +Chapter XXXIV + + +"A bear went over the mountain," sang the child (Gud stopped to listen, +for the child had had its voice cultivated prenatally) "to see what he +could see. A row of hanging skeletons, a swinging in the wind, was all +the bear could see in front, and he could not see behind." + +"See here," interrupted Gud, "you have the song mixed--what the bear saw +was the other side of the mountain." + +"Awh, I know," replied the child, "that was what the preteristic old +bear saw, but I sing of the futuristic young bear." + +Gud shook his head sadly. It made him feel archaic to come thus face to +face with the younger generation in art and literature. Somehow he felt +that there was something amiss in this new universe that seemed to have +arisen Phoenixlike out of the ashes of nothing. + +Gud turned from the child with the prenatally cultivated mind and went +on his way sorrowfully. And as he walked he hummed softly to +himself--"The old-time creation, the old-time creation, It was good for +Unph and Godumph ... and it's good enough for me...." + +"Come, come," monologued Gud--"I must not get retrospective--I destroyed +it all--ashes to ashes and dust to dust." + +As Gud trudged on, trying to shake this mood of a sentimental +retrospection from him, he found the light waning and the ether about +him turning grey and grim and gruesome. + +Then like an avalanche of dead ravens, sable darkness came tumbling down +upon him. But there were whitish outlines in the darkness, moving and +swaying, and there were rattlings and clanking sounds, and eery +whistlings. + +Rachitic with fear Gud's knees bent beneath him and he sank down in the +blackness and shuddered in his soul. + +Before him, like a great grey army marching, the skeletons of all the +mortal dead, of all the worlds and all the ages that had ever been, were +filing by. + +In measured time they marched, their gaunt legbones swinging in great +sweeping strides, their backbones bending and creaking as they marched; +while the winds between the worlds whipped through empty eyes and hollow +skulls and made eery whistling sounds--and all the dry bones rattled. + +So the material dead, in the empty mockery of marching, passed by Gud in +vain review. + +And Gud sat shuddering and alone and watched them--for eons and epochs, +and epochs piled on eons of unmarked time. + +After all the countless and infinitely innumerable swinging, swaying, +clanking, dry-boned skeletons had marched by Gud, they started around +again. + +Gud knew that they were going around a second time, because he saw one +pass, bearing before his bleached and grinning fact the glow of a good +cigar. + +There could be no mistake about it, for these were the bones of the only +smoker who had ever believed that tobacco was as injurious as the +non-smokers said it was! + +Thus made aware that the show was being repeated on him, Gud realized +that even the most gruesome and ghoulish sights and sounds became +commonplace with repetition; and he became bored, and his fear died +within him. So he arose and walked right through the marching mass of +swinging, swaying, rattling, whistling, dry-boned skeletons, and out +into the sunlight of a new day where he found Fidu digging up a freshly +planted lawn in search of a bone he had buried on a golf course +countless eons before. + +"Come, come," said Gud, "let the dead bones stay buried--the future of +eternal life is long enough without digging up the past." + +Having dissuaded Fidu from his search for provender Gud offered him a +portion of his own lunch. + +"Do you remember," remarked Gud to the Underdog, as they sat munching +their sandwiches, "the time I was on that little world back there--" + +"Which one?" asked Fidu. + +"The one I am talking about, silly--I ran into an earthquake. It shook +things up rather badly and toppled over about half the houses, killing +and maiming millions of mortals." + +"What caused it?" + +"I don't know, probably it was accidental--but that isn't important. +What interested me was what those poor mortals thought caused it. As I +was strolling through a town watching the relief committee at work, I +happened to see people going into a steep roofed building, which being +well constructed, had not fallen down. I joined the crowd and went in. +One of their kind was standing on a box at the far end of the building +and talking. I sat down with the others and listened to him. + +"He was talking about the 'divine visitation.' For a moment I became +self-conscious, thinking my incognito had been discovered. But I soon +realized that he referred to the earthquake. + +"His theory was interesting. He thought their silly little world had +been shaken up by their divinity. I knew that he was mistaken, for I +knew the chap who had that world in charge; he is a weak little god who +could not shake up a good-sized island." + +"For what reason did the mortals think your friend shook them up?" asked +Fidu. + +"The one who was talking had two theories about it. You see they had two +kinds of folks in that world--one bunch was called 'sinners' and one was +called 'righteous.' Plenty of both bunches were killed by the quake. But +it seemed that the fellow who was talking, wanted the sinners killed and +he was praising my friend for doing it. But his difficulty was in +explaining the death of the righteous, whom I gathered were friends of +his that had been in the habit of paying him to talk to them. There were +a good many empty stalls in the room with black cloths on them, and some +of the women in the crowd were weeping. + +"Well, after the talker got through explaining that their deity had +caused the earthquake for the purpose of killing the sinners, he had to +admit that it also got a few of the righteous. He said that this was due +to the 'mysterious working of the divine purpose' or some such vagary." + +"Well, what of it?" asked Fidu. + +"Nothing in particular, only it struck me as funny." + +"Is that all?" + +"About," said Gud--"but as I left that world, I took hold of its axis +and gave it another shake." + +"Did you know," said Fidu, "that the Copycat had been visiting?" + +"What makes you think so?" + +"Because there are five little copy kittens." + +After which they journeyed on until they came to a wall. In this wall +were two doors. Before the wall stood a great multitude and they stared +at the two doors with fixed glassy eyes. + +Gud turned and spoke to the multitude and said: "Why stare ye at the +doors in the wall and durst not enter?" + +"Alas, Great Gud," cried the multitude, as with one voice, "we wish not +to enter the doors, but would only know which door the man entered." + +"That I will find out for you," said Gud, and he stepped up and examined +the knobs of the doors. Then he turned and bowed to the multitude, and +turned yet again, and seizing the knob of one of the doors he swung it +boldly open. + +And behold, there stood a man-eating tiger, contentedly licking his +chops, his belly with fat lover lined. + +And Gud beckoned to the tiger which came out through the door and faced +the multitude, and on the tiger's face there was a faint fragrance of a +smile. + +And the tiger bowed to the multitude, and Gud also bowed with the tiger. + +And from the eyes of the multitude the glassy stare faded, and they +turned and walked away, and some spoke exultant words to the others. + +"But," asked Fidu of Gud, as they again went on their journey, "how did +you know which door to open--did you smell the blood?" + +"No, you hundopomorphic canine fool, I looked for finger prints on the +knobs of the doors." + + + + +Chapter XXXV + + +Gud, sauntering through the Market of Knowledge, came to a stall of a +prophet and passed the time of day with him. + +"Business is terrible," lamented the prophet. + +"What is the trouble?" asked Gud sympathetically. + +"Unfair competition," replied the prophet. "Those up-start scientists +across the way have berated my goods and stolen my customers until I +have none left save a few old ladies. Indeed, I fear me we shall never +again see those good old days when even young men believed there was +magic in the stars." + +"But," said Gud, as he glanced about, "your goods look shelf-worn." + +"Shelf-worn you say? And why not? I have rare antiques here. See, here +is the Golden Fleece and there is the Philosopher's Stone. That box in +the corner is the Hope Chest of Venus. And there in the window is the +Fountain of Youth. That puzzle beside it is the Riddle of the Universe. +And this vial here contains the Evil Eye preserved in spirits of mocking +wine." + +"All very fine antiques," agreed Gud, "but in this age a merchant must +keep up-to-date; you need new goods on your shelves." + +"And new goods, I have had in time and again," declared the prophet. +"But they have stolen them from me. Did I not once make good money +auguring from the entrails of animals, till these scientists found that +they were useful for sausage casings? And when the stars paled in +popularity because the scientists turned their spy-tubes upon them, did +I not sit over a wall of gas and make myself drunk with its stinking +fumes, while my wife sold my insane babblings for wisdom, until those +scientists stole the gas and ran it through pipes to the houses to make +fuel for pots to boil? And did not I read the cracks in fools' palms, +until the scientists made fingerprints to identify criminals, and then +the people durst not give me their hands to read lest I be a spy in the +employ of the state searching out their crimes? And did I not call +messages out of the air from distant lands, until the scientists trained +the lightning to bring messages and harnessed it to vehicles so that the +people could go and see for themselves that the lightning had not lied?" + +"Did you ever try interpreting dreams?" asked Gud. + +"Bah!" said the prophet. "That was the idea with which I began business +when this world was young. But they have spoiled that also and taught +the people that dreams were merely neurotic emanations of a bad bellyful +of beef and beans. I tell you, my friend, they have left me nothing, +nothing of mystery and magic to sell the people; and here I am, a +prophet, wise in all the ways of prophecy, and sitting in an empty shop +full of musty bones!" + +Taking leave of this disgruntled prophet, Gud strolled through the +Market of Knowledge to see for himself how it was that these scientists +had ruined the honorable business of prophecy. And Gud saw many wonders +and much business going on. In one stall he saw a chemist with tubes and +retorts brewing pretty smells to scent ill-favored women. In another he +saw a doctor with a microscope studying the germs of disease and making +poisons to kill them. And in another was a chemist analyzing foods to +see how much fatness or leanness they contained, so that he could sell +recipes that would make the waists of his customers of a girth suited to +the length of their lovers' arms. + +And in all the shops of the scientists, Gud discovered that young men +were busy analyzing things and dissecting and dismembering them and +finding out of what they were made, so that they could prepare some +recipe or medicine or knowledge and sell it and get gain. And Gud +wondered what was left that his old friend, the prophet, could dissect +and analyze and sell as a scientific product and so get gain. + +As Gud pondered this he chanced to stroll into the shop of a +psychologist whose secretary had the nose bleed so that she fainted, and +Gud asked: "What is the matter with her?" + +"She is unconscious," replied the psychologist, "her mind has lost its +awareness." + +"Is her mind dead?" + +"No, no," retorted the psychologist. + +"Then why does she not talk?" + +"Because her mind is unconscious and she cannot use it to talk with." + +"But, what is she doing with it?" + +"Dreaming, most likely," replied the psychologist. + +"Why do you not dissect her unconscious mind and see of what her dreams +are made?" + +"Get out!" cried the psychologist, "I am a married man and I do not want +to know of what her dreams are made." + +When Gud left the shop of the psychologist it was growing dark in the +Market of Knowledge. So he waited until the lights in the houses were +being extinguished and the people were falling asleep. + +The next morning when Gud entered the shop of his old friend, the +prophet, he carried a sack, the contents of which he dumped on the +table. + +"What are these things?" demanded the prophet. + +"They are unconscious minds," said Gud, "and they are full of dreams. I +want you to dissect them and analyze them and see how the dreams are +made and what are the elements of them. Thus you shall make a science of +dreams to sell to the people and get gain." + +So saying, Gud left the shop and walked up the side of a grassy mountain +where all the birds were singing and all the ewes were lambing and the +little toadstools were pushing up great rocks with the power of the life +that was in them. And Gud lay down upon the new-grown grass and fell +asleep, and slept till winter came. When the snow began to fall upon the +feet of Gud, he dreamed a dream. + +Upon awakening, Gud wondered what the meaning of the dream might be; and +thus he recalled the Market of Knowledge, and went straightway to the +shop of the prophet to have his dream interpreted. As he approached the +shop he saw a line of people on the sidewalk, and took his place in the +line. As the line moved through the door each one handed the doorkeeper +a sum of money. But Gud said he was a friend of the prophet and was +permitted to enter so that he could hear the dreams being interpreted. + +A man said: "I dreamed that I once misspelled a word by omitting the +letter 'M.' + +"That means," answered the prophet, "that you once knew a girl whose +name began with 'M.' Probably her name was Mary." + +A young woman said: "I dreamed I was an old maid and yet I was going to +hell." + +"That means," said the prophet, "that virtue is its own reward." + +"I dreamed," said a man, "that I was dead and in my grave, and that I +could hear the clods dropping on my coffin." + +"That means," interpreted the prophet, "that you are a pessimist, and +that you have that same infernal tin roofing on your house that I have +on mine--I heard it raining last night myself." + +"I dreamed," a young girl related, "that I was being run over by a steam +roller, and I am anxious to have the dream interpreted because I am sure +it is very significant." + +"No, you are mistaken," explained the prophet. "And you ought not to be +reading those uncensored books on psychoanalysis, for they are very +suggestive. What your dream really means is that you have something +between your teeth and need a toothpick. The analysis is simple. A +toothpick was formerly a goose quill--a quill is part of a +feather--feathers help birds to fly--airplanes also fly and have +engines--so do steam rollers, the reason steam rollers do not fly is +because they roll." + +Said a man: "I dreamed that the woman I married and whom I love very +dearly had eloped with the janitor. Then I woke up and found that she +had, and I want to know what it all means." + +"It means," replied the prophet who was very strong on professional +ethics, "that your dream has come true and doesn't need interpreting; +ask the doorkeeper to give you your money back." + +"I dreamed," related another man, "that I had been captured by +cannibals; the fire was roaring; the pot boiling; I was led forth, my +head laid on the chopping block, the battle ax was lifted--and then the +cannibal chief's daughter rushed forward with a joyous cry and flung +herself upon my neck in place of the ax and so I was saved." + +"That means," replied the prophet, "that the sex instinct is stronger +than the nutritional instinct." + +"I dreamed," stated another man, who was just in front of Gud, "that I +was in love with my brother." + +"That means nothing indecent," expounded the prophet, "because dreams +are the voices of the unconscious mind which we inherited from an +earlier period of our evolution. Homo-sexual dreams merely hark back to +the time when we were all asexual creatures, hence they are entirely +proper. By similar psychic law we whitewash dreams of incest, murder, +torture, rape, arson, cannibalism, and political graft. All such dreams +are perfectly respectable and may be told with pride to your wife, your +mother, or your pastor, because they indicate that the unconscious mind +is perfectly natural. But there is one dream that should not be told to +your wife. To wit: a dream of polygamy--it is too damned natural." + +Now Gud had supposed that his friend would recognize him. But the +prophet was busy with some figures in a small book and he merely called, +"Next." So Gud told this dream: + +"I dreamed," replied Gud, "that I heard a most wonderful melody. But +when I woke up I found that I was sleeping near a strawstack and was +listening to the braying of a jackass." + +"That means," replied the prophet, "that you are one too. Five dollars +please, and what did you come in here for? When I was dealing in black +magic and making prophecies by poking into the steaming entrails of +virgin goats, I at least had my self-respect. And now you get out of +here before I call the Centurian and have you arrested for stealing the +subconscious mind of the President of our Academy of Science." + +Ingratitude is sharper than a woman's tongue; and when Gud heard what +the prophet said, he whipped out a ram's horn and blew a withering +blast. When the ground trembled with the echo thereof, all the shops in +the Market of Knowledge fell down and a great tidal wave swept in from +the Sea of Trouble. + + + + +Chapter XXXVI + + +After everyone else had drowned, Gud came up for air. He lit a cigarette +and blew a smoke ring and tossed it on the water to see if it would +float. It did and so Gud climbed upon it and sat there cross-legged to +wait for his robe to dry. + +Presently he saw a man coming toward him running on the water and +carrying a package under one arm and a half-finished manuscript under +the other. The man came up panting and out of breath and cried: "Save +me!" + +"Perhaps," said Gud. "But what have you in the package?" + +At this the man hurled the package at Gud and sank into the depths with +bubbling groan. + +Gud unwrapped the package and found that it contained three mountains. +These Gud tossed upon the water where they floated equidistant on the +surface of the sea. On the first mountain was a man in dire agony of +soul. On the second mountain was a beautiful woman about to plunge a +dagger into her heart because of her love for the man. On the third +mountain was another woman no less beautiful, and she was about to cast +herself into the sea because of her hate of the woman who loved the man. +But Gud, who knew all things, was not interested in what would happen +next; and, his robe being dry, he arose and walked leisurely away on the +water and did not once look back. + +Tiring of walking on the water Gud looked about for a conveyance. Just +then a deep-sea fish came to the surface and winked at Gud with his +glassy eye. + +"I came up to see if I could find out," said the fish, "who that fellow +was who came tumbling down into my depths a little while ago." + +"Why do you wish to know?" asked Gud. + +"Because," replied the fish, "I feel as if I had swallowed a theological +discussion and it is giving me indigestion." + +"Suppose you turn over and let the sun shine on your belly," suggested +Gud. "Sunlight is very healing." + +"Thanks, but my belly is white and I do not wish to have it +sunburned--but who do you suppose is coming in yonder boat?" + +When the boat came nearer Gud and the fish saw that the boat also +contained a man and two women. The man was talking. "Suppose," said he, +"that the boat should upset: neither of you can swim, and what would I +do? For I could not save you both. I could not let my dear old mother +drown and yet how could I let my beautiful wife drown? If I had realized +how I was going to worry about it, I should have insisted on going to +the mountains for our vacation." + +Upon hearing the man's words the two women set up a great weeping. + +"I wonder," said Gud, "which one he would save!" + +"Let's find out," laughed the fish; and without further ado he dived +beneath the boat and upset it with a mighty stroke of his great scaly +tail. + +"Help!" screamed the mother. + +"Help!" gurgled the young wife. + +"Now I am in a devil of a fix," groaned the man, "which ever one I save, +the neighbors will say I should have saved the other one." And he +started off alone swimming rapidly toward the shore. + +Then the fish remembered that the young wife was quite plump--even if +she wasn't beautiful as her husband had said she was, so he dived deep +into the sea and left Gud standing there on the water without a blessed +thing to do and nothing to think about. + +And now a wind came sighing over the deep blue sea, and little ripples +stirred upon the surface of the water, and then the wind came soughing +over the roughened sea, and larger wavelets raced and ran atop the cold, +damp water. And soon the wind began to howl and tear the wild, wet sea, +and mighty waves began to break and toss and splatter--and it made Gud +seasick. + +So he began to wonder why the waves kept going on and leaving him +behind. The more he thought about it, the more it worried him; and +finally it occurred to Gud that he was opposing the waves +subconsciously. So he sublimated his subconscious conflict and +harmonized his ego with the spirit of the waves, and when the next wave +hit him he rode atop it like a cat on the ridgepole of a cabin going +down the river in a June rise. + +As the wave struck the shore, it began to break and make breakers. As +soon as it was broke, Gud dismounted and strolled along the beach +looking for flotsam and jetsam. + +He didn't find any, so he picked up a jeweled casket and started to +wonder with a great curiosity what it contained. Then suddenly, he +tossed the jeweled casket aside without even examining the padlock, for +he had remembered that he knew all things and hence could not wonder nor +possess curiosity. But upon further consideration he realized that lack +of wonder and curiosity on his part would kill all the suspense in his +story, so he began to wonder what the wild waves were saying, and why +sea shells are pink inside, and what the ink-fish was writing on the +sands of time. + +Gud pondered these things as he walked along the beach until he saw +before him a series of shallow depressions. At first he thought they +were ordinary soul tracks. Then he looked again and gave forth a low +whistle of surprise and amazement and bent low to examine the +footprints--and shrank back in horror, for they were stained a deep +crimson. + +Cautiously Gud touched his finger to the stain and examined it +critically. "'Tis blood!" he cried. + +Gud began to trail the stained footprints along the beach and followed +them until they turned and led into the sea. At the edge of the water he +paused and sighed, for his robe was now nicely dehydrated. But curiosity +is a compelling instinct and wonder a powerful emotion; and so Gud +followed the trail as it led down the sloping beach and on down along +the bottom of the sea. + +At last the trail led to a rocky cavern where phosphorescent eyes stared +out of opalescent water. Here the trail came finally to an end as it +entered a door in the side of a barnacle-covered hull of an ancient +galley. + +"And what is this place?" asked Gud of a mermaid, who was sitting on one +of the ship's knees: "and what bold criminal with a blood-stained trail +has entered here?" + +"Can't you read?" retorted the mermaid. "The sign tells you plainly +enough that this is our Deep-Sea Butcher Shop, and he who just now +entered was the butcher's boy, who had been up on the shore to get some +red-blooded meat. We tire dreadfully down here of having seven Fridays +in a week. And now if you will quit being silly and playing at amateur +detective I will sing you a song." And so she sang: + + + + +Chapter XXXVII + + + It was a soulful song he sung, + A doleful song sang he, + For in the sun her body swung + High on the gallows' tree. + + The loathsome vultures swooped among + The shadows hungrily, + As though awaiting for the dung + That swayed there horribly. + + Then as a distant church bell rung + Slowly, peacefully, + Out through the night a mad cry flung + Red echoes suddenly. + + A mad cry, then the silence clung + O'er sky and shore and sea; + He dead below, and she that hung + High on the gallows' tree. + + + + +Chapter XXXVIII + + +"Oh, listen to the mocking bird!" cried the crustacean. + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the crinoid, "that is only a mock turtle." + +"Oh H_{2}O!" snorted the good red herring, "you talk like a fish out of +water." + +"She has a necklace of shark's teeth," whispered the jealous water baby. + +"And a pearl without a price," piped the sea lady. + +"But why do mermaids have fish tales to tell?" demanded Gud. + +"I don't know," answered the deep sea diver, who was looking for the +treasure. "But they call 'Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea' +prophetic fiction, but you can't shoot a rifle under water without +blowing your head off." + +Just then the Underdog barked at the copycat and Gud woke up and +realized that all this marine stuff was just the subconscious yearning +of a writer born in the short grass country to imitate Conrad, and that +he, Gud, was still lying in the pasture, and that the snow had changed +to rain and his feet were wet. + + + + +Chapter XXXIX + + + And old Giasticuticus + Stood on a mountain side, + His right legs shorter than his left, + And scratched his tough, thick hide. + + "I live upon a bias, true, + With legs I'd like to hide, + But that arose from dwelling here + Upon the mountain side." + + + + +Chapter XL + + +And Gud came upon a paradise, its streets of hammered gold. Iridescent +fountains played beneath o'er-hanging palms, and gentle breezes, wafting +through the glistening latticery of ornate edifice, made music soft and +low that lulled of peace and quiet and eternal joy. + +Here was a paradise prepared for most exacting saints. Gud strolled its +million leagues about and wondered why there was no sign of occupants. +These heavenly mansions were not newly built but rather spoke of use. +While all the major structures were intact, the minor furnishings gave +evidence of chaos and disorder. This paradise, it seemed to Gud, had +once o'erflown with life, but now was empty and abandoned. + +All this puzzled Gud and worried him. He was familiar with the ruins of +many a paradise that had been smashed and broken by rebellion or by war, +but his mind could find no reason why a heaven so fine as this should be +deserted, and yet remain in such fair state of preservation. + +The most likely theory which he could conceive, was that some pestilence +had raged and stripped the place of every living soul. Over this Gud +cogitated. Had it been a dwelling place of mortal flesh, a pestilence +would have left its tell-tale stench or whitening bones. But immortal +souls--how could pestilence have slain them? His theory thus became a +paradox or worse yet a dilemma, and either one is harrowing to the mind. +So Gud started out again in search of facts. + +After much meandering he was rewarded by finding himself looking down +into a high-walled garden, most beautiful of any spot that he had yet +discovered. And better still, he noted signs of life. He hastened to +descend, that he might explore the garden. It was there beneath a bower +that he found a female soul most radiant. She was sitting on a gorgeous +purple rock, and singing, and knitting as she sang, while all about her, +tumbling on the grass in a most completely idiotic fashion, were little +souls at play. + +"Good morning," said Gud. + +The soul stared up at him in most incredulous manner and replied; "I +thought they were all dead." + +With much patient questioning, Gud wrested from this soul, alone in a +vast heaven--save for the little souls that played most idiotically upon +the grass--a tale of a paradise gone wrong because of a theological +blunder. + +It was a tedious tale and she who sat knitting there upon the purple +rock told it to Gud in broken fragments of narration. First she related +how the place had been peopled by all the host of souls passed over from +a certain muddy sphere, and who came to this heaven as the result of +faith in a most liberal theology that promised universal salvation to +saint alike with sinner. + +And so they all in one triumphal procession came to claim the rewards +and demand the fulfillment of the promises. And yet they had not +tarried--none but she who told the tale and the bevy of little tumbling +spirits, who were none other than the souls of idiotic babes born into +their material world of long ago, deaf and blind as they were imbecile. + +Gud suspected, even as the tale unfolded, that there had been some +fearful blunder in the promises; and right enough he was, for the ninth +promise of their creed had been, "Then ye shall know the truth." + +So all the myriads of saved souls, who had cherished the promises, had +come to know the truth as it had been promised them. When they arose in +glittering gowns and halos bright upon that Resurrection Morn and +started singing, one by one and then by twos and tens and soon by scores +and thousands they remembered all that they had wished to know of all +their pasts and ponderings. And to their minds, reborn to omniscience of +the truth of what had been as it had really been, came also the memories +of what they thought had been. + +The books of hymns had fallen from their hands, and voices lost the key +and shrieked in agony. Insane ravings, babblings and cursing smote the +air of heaven. Chaos reigned supreme and all the hosts of heaven went +raving mad and babbled as they raved. + + + + +Chapter XLI + + + I buy my clothes in high-priced shops; + My collars match my shirts; + I swing a dapper cane with ease + And ogle all the skirts. + + I follow the ads in the Satevepost; + I have picked the car to buy; + I read the "Book of Etiquette," + And "Sappho" on the sly. + + A bit of my handkerchief always shows + In a pocket of my coat.... + I carry a letter next to my heart + That a movie actress wrote. + + I said to a lady I flirted with: + "I'm a gent!" But then she ran, + Though over her shoulder sweetly said: + "That's a third of a gentleman!" + + + + +Chapter XLII + + +And Gud came to a great Republic and sat himself down at meat in a +tavern of the capital city thereof. Said the damsel who came to serve +him: "Alas, there is no meat, for we have civil war, and all the meat is +requisitioned for the soldiers." + +When she had said that a volley of guns sounded in the street. Gud +looked out of the window and saw two armies firing at each other. The +one army was composed of men richly garbed, and the other of men poorly +clad, and the rich men and the poor men were killing each other. Seizing +the white table linen, Gud went out into the midst of the murderous +armies and waved the table linen peacefully. + +The General of the Rich Men and the General of the Poor Men rushed up +angrily to Gud and both demanded in aggrieved tones to know why he was +peacefully interfering with the war. + +"Because," said Gud, "The soldiers are eating all the meat." + +"But," cried the generals, "you have stopped the war--and now what shall +we do? We had tried the courts; we had tried the ballot; we had tried +arbitration and all failed. So we resorted to war, which is the last +resort of civilized people, and we do not wish to revert to savagery." + +"I stopped the war," said Gud, "because I dislike to have the streets +covered with blood--it makes them slippery, but I am sorry. Is there +anything I can do to help you start it again?" + +The generals shook their heads sadly, for they saw that the Poor Men and +the Rich Men were fraternizing and exchanging cigarettes, and they knew +that the war was over. + +"I wonder," said Gud, "since I spoiled the war, if you would mind +telling me what it was all about?" + +"Gladly," said the generals, and they invited Gud into the tavern--and +now the damsel brought meat which Gud ate, while the generals of the +late war related the cause thereof. + +"It so happened," they said, "that we wished to erect a shrine to the +President of our Republic while he was yet alive to be worshipped +therein. The rich men gave the money and the poor men held their hats to +receive it. + +"When the money was gathered, the committee took it to our beloved +President and asked him the manner of shrine he would have. And our +President said: 'All that any man is, his mother made him--therefore I +ask that the shrine shall consist of a great gallery, and in this +gallery shall hang the portrait of my mother.' + +"So our committee called upon all the artists and they selected the two +best. One artist's name was Jake Smith, and he was born naked into the +world amidst dire poverty and considerable adversity, but he had become +a great artist for all that and had painted the portraits of many rich +and be-jeweled ladies. + +"And the other artist bore the name of Glengary Du Peyster, and he was +born with a silver spoon in his mouth; but in spite of that he also +learned to paint, and he had searched out all the poor and wretched old +women of our slums and hovels and painted of them very great pictures. + +"When these artists took samples of their work to show to our President, +he said: 'You may both paint my mother, and then my mother shall decide +which is the best painting.' + +"'Very well,' said the artists, 'will you conduct us to her home?' + +"So the President took them to a little flat in K Street where lived a +poor, blind widow and he said: 'Artists, meet my mother!' + +"Glengary Du Peyster was over-joyed, for this was the kind of a woman he +could paint best, and he wished to send immediately for his canvas and +brushes. + +"But it was not to be so, for the President now conducted the artists to +a mansion in D Street, and here in a great hall hung with tapestry and +shaded lights was a fine old lady, and the president said again: +'Artists, meet my mother!' + +"And now it was Jake Smith's time to rejoice; and he glared at Glengary +Du Peyster, and neither of them durst speak their thoughts. + +"Then the President took them both back to his official residence and +feasted them on grouse and wine, and as they sat about their cigars Jake +Smith said: 'Mr. President, which is your mother?' + +"'Alas,' said our great President, 'I do not know.' + +"At this both artists lost their artistic tempers and rushed into the +street. As the news-makers gathered about them, they told what had +happened and what the president had said, and it was published abroad in +our great Republic, together with photos of the two women, each of whom +the President had introduced as his mother. + +"Then our citizens warmed to heated arguments and gathered themselves +into two parties, the poor to themselves under the leadership of Jake +Smith, for they agreed with him that our great President should have a +fine and noble lady for his mother. But the rich, under the leadership +of Glengary Du Peyster said: 'Surely our President was born of the poor +and lowly mother, how else can we be a true republic, where all men are +born free and equal?'" + +"That is very interesting," said Gud as he took another forkful of meat, +"but why did you not ask the women themselves?" + +"We did ask them," said the leaders of the late war, "but both said they +did not know. So we thought war was the only way to settle the matter. +And now you have spoiled the war, which is the last resort of civilized +people, and we shall surely revert to savagery." + +The following day Gud was conducted with great pomp and ceremony to the +Hall of Justice, where he sat down upon the judge's bench. + +Said Gud to the President of the great Republic, who was there in his +own person: "Bring in your poor mother and put her on the witness +stand." + +The President did so, and Gud saw before him a stooped, wrinkled and +blind creature who was poorly dressed but neat and clean. + +"Now," said Gud in his most kindly tone, "we will dispense with the +swearing and you may tell me all that happened in your own language." + +"Believe me, your honor," said the poor mother, "it was no fault of +mine, for I was blind and how could I tell which one was which? You see, +I was a widow, because my husband died by the falling on him of a stone +in the quarry when he was getting out rocks for the cellar of the house +of Eben Gratz. And so when they buried him I was left all by myself, but +for the babe that was coming. When it came it was a twin and they both +cried just alike, so that I could not tell which one was which. + +"And nobody had ever seen them until the day I heard a fine automobile +driving up the road, purring like a cat fed upon cream. It stopped by my +cabin and a lady with a rustly gown got out and came into the cabin. I +sat waiting for her to speak to me, thinking that perhaps in her rich +kindness she might have brought some clothes for my twins. I heard her +go to the old cow trough where the twins were lying under the horse +blanket. Then, without saying a word, she rustled out again and was +gone. + +"And presently the twins began to cry and I could tell now that they did +not cry alike, and I knew that she had stolen one of my babies and left +another in its place. + +"So I raised them up as best I could. The girl she was good and dutiful +and married a good man. But the boy, he was smart and did not marry +anybody; and he became the President of his country just as I knew he +would. While I am not saying whether he is my son or not, I can not say +he isn't; and he can't, either, because he can't remember whether it was +himself or his sister that was brought that day by the fine lady and +exchanged for his brother. So you see, sir, just how it is." + +Gud did not see, but disliked to admit it, so he asked that the rich +mother of the President of the Great Republic be brought also before +him. + +As she came into the room he saw what a grand old lady she was, for she +walked erect and proud and her manners were queenly and stately, and Gud +could see how she impressed all the poor men in the courtroom with her +greatness. + +When the rich mother of the President began speaking in a low, melodious +voice that quivered with emotion, she said: + +"Your honor, there is naught I can tell save to confess that when my +child was born I was so overwhelmed with maternal emotion that I became +ambitious for my child. But I knew that I was rich and lived in a +mansion and that riches are a handicap to any child. I recalled that it +was always the boys born in log cabins and nurtured in poverty that +became our great men, and presidents of our great Republic. + +"So I took my darling babe with me in my car and drove out into the +mountains where the soil was rocky and the people were poor, and finally +I came to a very picturesque log cabin that had only three sides. I +stopped the car, and took my own child and stole toward the cabin and +peeped in. There sat a poor, blind, widowed mother knitting with a ball +of coarse yarn. + +"And over in the corner I saw a cow trough and a horse blanket and it +was from there that the cry of the child came. So I stole over and +raised the blanket and saw there the faces of two sweet babes. I closed +my eyes and tore off the wrappings from my own child and quietly placed +him in the trough; and then, seizing one of the babes in the trough, I +wrapped it in the silken robes I had taken from my own child and +hastened back to my car. + +"The child I stole, when he learned to talk, told me that he was a boy." + +"Pardon me, madame," interrupted Gud, "but what was the sex of your own +child that you left in the cow trough?" + +At the question the refined lady blushed painfully. "Do not insult me, +sir," she said icily. Then she continued: "I raised this child of the +poor blind widow and he became the best dancer of the younger set. But +while I lavished on him all of a fond mother's care, deep in my heart +was the love for my own child that I had so bravely committed to the +care of the poor blind widow in the log cabin with only three sides. + +"So I employed detectives to keep secret watch about the cabin, and when +the two children were old enough to be dressed distinctively the +detective reported to me that one was a boy and one was a girl. + +"It was then that I realized my grievous error in exchanging my own +child for one of two twins, for I could not know whether the boy or the +girl was my own child. So I waited to see how they would turn out. And +when the girl married a clam digger down on the river I decided to say +nothing to her. But when the boy worked his way through college by +delivering milk before dawn, I sent for him and confessed to him that +I was either his mother or his sister's mother. + +"So from that day to this he has been a dutiful son to me as well as to +the poor blind widow who may also be his mother. And when he was elected +President of our Great Republic, both she and I rejoiced. All would be +well, if only his love for his mother had not prompted him to wish to +have her painting hung in the memorial shrine. That is all I have to +confess." + + + + +Chapter XLIII + + + Who shall say that his love was not good + For the dummy of cloth and wax and wood? + I know that more curious things exist + Than the love of a dreaming ventriloquist. + + He liked to perch her on his knee + Combing her black hair lovingly, + Then talk by the hour just as though + She understood and ought to know. + + Her chatter merged with his and twice, + I know, he struck her ... it wasn't nice. + Repenting, he bought her costly things-- + Gowns, rare necklaces and rings. + + One night they found him on the floor + Stark dead ... each year I wonder more + Why, killing himself, he never wrote + Of the dagger he sank in her wooden throat. + + + + +Chapter XLIV + + +Now the fame of Gud's wisdom was broadcast about, so that important +personages of other worlds came and laid their problems at the feet of +Gud and begged of him solutions. + +Among them were two citizens of a world that was in dire distress. And +one of these citizens was a Keeper of Morals of his sphere, and the +other was the Vital Statistician. + +To Gud the Statistician said: "Our world is full, so that there is no +more room for further population, and I have therefore ordered that the +issue of birth permits be curtailed." + +"And in doing so," cried the Keeper of Morals, "you have ignored the law +which bade us be fruitful and multiply." + +"That have I done," replied the Statistician, "because the facts have +obsoleted the law. Our world is full, and what good would it do to issue +more birth permits when there is no more room to be born into?" + +"But you should make room," protested the Keeper of Morals, "by issuing +more death permits. Surely it is not as great a sin to die as it is not +to be born." + +"But I insist," declared the Statistician, "that to issue more death +permits than there are people ready to sicken and die would be to +encourage suicide and murder. Do you countenance such unmoral ways of +dying?" + +"Certainly not," retorted the Keeper of Morals, "suicide and murder are +crimes. We must not encourage them, but neither must we discourage +births, for we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply." + +"I agree with you," said Gud, addressing himself to the Keeper of +Morals, "in your belief that it is wrong to discourage births, and also +wrong to encourage deaths--for unrestricted birth and unpremeditated +death are great moral principles and nothing must be allowed to +interfere with them." + +"Exactly," replied the Keeper of Morals, "yet this Statistician is +interfering by producing his unwelcome facts. He tells us that our world +is full and that there is room in it for not a single being more." + +Gud turned to the Statistician and demanded: "Is this fact that you have +produced a true fact or is it only a statistical fact?" + +And the Statistician replied: "The fact is a true fact. Indeed, when we +left to come here to consult you, we were obliged to make dummies and +leave them in our places so that we would find room for ourselves when +we returned. All this I can readily prove to you, if you will come with +us and see for yourself that there is room in our world for not a single +being more." + +"It is not necessary for me to go out of my way," said Gud, "to see your +world, but I will send for it." And Gud called Fidu and commanded the +Underdog to go and fetch the world from whence his visitors came. + +So Fidu went and fetched that world, and brought it and laid it at the +feet of Gud. + +Gud looked upon that world and saw that the fact of its fullness was a +true fact and that there was room thereon for not a single being more. +So Gud turned and said to the Keeper of Morals: "The fact of the +absolute fullness of your world is a true fact and also obvious and +incontrovertible. What do you propose to do about it?" + +"Why, nothing, Your Deity," replied the Keeper of Morals, "it is not my +business to deal with facts when they interfere with morals--I merely +ignore them." + +"Then," asked Gud, "why quarrel you with this Statistician? Why do you +not let him and his facts alone?" + +"And that I should do gladly, if he would but let me and my morals +alone, but he is withholding the issuing of birth permits." + +So Gud addressed the Statistician and said: "Why do you not let this man +and his morals alone?" + +"Because," the Statistician made reply, "his morals are incompatible +with my facts, which are: First, our world is absolutely full: Second, +there can be no more births than deaths: Third, we must either issue +more death permits or cease to issue so many birth permits. That is +absolutely logic, yet this Moralist refuses to accept it." + +"I certainly do," shouted the Moralist. "Away with your sinful facts and +your wicked logic! The morality of our world must be preserved at all +costs. We must not encourage murder nor suicide, nor dare we discourage +births, for that is also murder of those who would be born, and so it is +race suicide. On these moral principles I stand as on the rock of truth, +and no torrents of facts or floods of logic can dislodge me." + +"You will have to admit," argued Gud, addressing the Vital Statistician, +"that the Moralist has the courage of his convictions. Therefore the +great truth of moral principle should be regarded above the smaller +truths of material facts and mental logic--and many of the inhabitants +of your world, if I know mortal nature, will agree with me." + +"Sad but true," agreed the Statistician. "I am only able to hold my job +because I am under civil service and not subject to popular election. +But you, Great Gud, appear to me to be a rational being." + +"Oh, yes," confessed Gud, "I am quite rational at times; but from the +nature of my position it is only right that I should uphold morality +when it clashes with rationality, as I regret to say it often does. +Because I must do this, I can see both sides of the case, which neither +of you gentlemen can. So to me the solution is very simple, and will +outrage neither morals nor reason. Murder and suicide must not be +encouraged, births must not be limited, yet your world is full. +Obviously, you must proceed to empty it. There is only one moral way to +do that. You must have a war--preferably a righteous war. That requires +a cause with two right sides. Such causes are plentiful. Any question +that can be looked at from two sides, either of which, when looked at +rightly is the right side, will serve as the cause for a righteous war. +This dispute that you gentlemen bring me will do nicely. Let the +moralists fight for their moral principles and the rationalists fight +for their facts." + +"But," interrupted the Statistician, "my side would have very few +adherents; men do not fight to defend facts. We would be overwhelmed by +superior numbers and annihilated." + +"Certainly," said Gud, "what more could you expect if you espouse an +unpopular cause? + +"But why stand here babbling? See, your valorous enemy has already +returned to his followers and is calling them to arms. Why do you not +hasten to join your colors?" + +"Thanks," replied the Statistician, "but I left a dummy in my place and +I am going to stay right here and count the stars." + + + + +Chapter XLV + + +Passing a heap of fossil platitudes Gud came to an oasis in a Desert of +Righteousness and saw nineteen pretty murderers hanging in a row. There +also he saw the couple who were parted at the altar, a woman who had +lost her intuition, and a herd of ambitious animals who believed in the +transmigration of souls. + +Gud entered the caravansary of the place and bargained with the keeper +thereof to make a supper with meat and wine--after which there should be +dancing. + +To the supper, Gud bade a Skeptic, a Cynic, a Critic and a Cryptic. And +Gud and his guests made merry. + +Gud blew four halos of phosphorescent smoke and gave one to each of his +guests. Whereupon they were flattered and waxed loquacious, and the +Cynic said to Gud: "If you had not insisted on following that Impossible +Curve, but had come here by the straight way, how much sooner you would +have joined us." + +"True," agreed the Critic, "but the straight and narrow way would have +seemed much further, for it lies wholly in the Desert of Righteousness." + +"But most of all I hate to see," remarked the Cynic, "is a female cat +sitting on a gravestone in the moonlight, after I carefully killed her +the day before." + +"Quite true," replied the Cryptic, with a weary shrug. + + + + +Chapter XLVI + + +Then the Skeptic related to Gud some of the gossip of the place. "We +have here," said he, "a powerful sheik who rules over this oasis in the +Desert of Righteousness. The sheik being old, had twenty young wives; +and each of these wives had a lover. Came a time when the old sheik went +on a journey but returned a day before he was expected. Finding only one +of his wives in the harem, he called the masons and walled up the +windows and doors of the place, and that is why the nineteen pretty +murderers are hanging in a row." + +"But," said Gud, "the story seems incomplete." + +"Not at all," replied the Skeptic, "it is only that you do not +understand our laws and customs. These things are relative, you +know...." + +"If you will listen well," spoke up the Cryptic, "I will expound +relativity to you. Now, if a man should buy a lot on time and the lot +had but two dimensions, then if time should be destroyed, could the real +estate agent justly demand payment for the lot?" + +"Why, certainly," answered Gud. "Is not the Impossible Curve in the Nth +dimension?" + +"But I have not told you yet," interrupted the Skeptic, "what the old +sheik did. You see, he felt so remorseful that he endowed a School of +Theological Mathematics, and each year he grants a doctor's dilemma to +the young man who can most nearly solve the problem of the trinity." + +"What is the solution?" asked Gud. + +"We do not know," replied the Skeptic, "for as yet no man has ever +solved it." + +"But I was explaining relativity to our host," cried the Cryptic, "and +you interrupt me with this trifling gossip. Now, if a mass of silence +traveling at the speed of light, should be deflected by a caricature of +a phantom magnetic force, would the energy engendered--" + +But at that moment the keeper of the caravansary appeared in the doorway +and looked upon Gud questioningly. Gud nodded to him approvingly, +whereupon five beautiful damsels entered dancing to flats and sharps, +and flute and cymbal. + +So the discussion of relativity was forgotten, as all things of the +intellect are forgotten, when damsels young and beautiful dance to lute +and timbrel. + +After there had been much joyous dancing, the Cynic plucked at Gud's +sleeve and asked: + +"Who be these beautiful damsels, who dance so divinely, and whence came +they?" + +And Gud made answer and said: "These damsels be the daughters of the +Pope, but I know not whence they came." + + + + +Chapter XLVII + + +And it came to pass that as Gud was making a long journey to a certain +place he neared a wayside inn, and being weary he entered and found six +characters drinking tea. + +"Good evening," spoke Gud. "Why are you drinking tea?" + +"We are drinking tea," replied the Clerical Collar, "so that we can +engage in theological disputation without cutting one another's +throats." + +"What is the dispute about?" asked Gud. + +The Black Bathrobe made answer and said: "It concerns our belief in +Gud." + +"May I join you?" inquired Gud. + +"Delighted!" cried the Vest with the Silver Horseshoes, not recognizing +the caller. + +Gud sat down and the Clerical Collar poured him a cup of hot water, but +neglected to pass him the tea ball. Not wishing to attract attention to +the oversight, which he realized was due to the host's being absorbed in +spiritual matters, Gud was about to convert the water into tea by a +miracle. Upon second thought he refrained, lest the display of +miraculous power would reveal his incognito. Still Gud did not like the +idea of drinking water straight; so instead of performing a miracle he +reached over and helped himself to the tea ball--noting, as he did so, +how much simpler it is to get results by natural laws than by +unnecessary miracles. + +The venerable Beard being less wrought up over the disputation, +explained the nature of the meeting to the newcomer. Said he: "We are +all worshipers and ministers of the one true Gud, having been born and +baptised in the faith and duly ordained in its ministry. But of late +certain heresies have arisen among us, and we are gathered here to +ferret out the heretic and bring him to the bar of ecclesiastical +justice. Sad to confess, I find that I alone have remained staunch in +our faith, which is founded on the rock of unchanging truth." + +"Liar," cried out the Spectacles of the Student, "we modernists are also +staunch in the faith; it is merely the conceit of fundamentalist bigotry +to argue that truth cannot be changed. Indeed, it must be changed or +intelligent people will cease to believe it." + +"You are more accurate than expedient," admonished the Vest with the +Silver Horseshoes. "The faith of the people is waning fast, but it will +never be restored by your muddled mixtures of science and psychology. +What is needed is a great faith-arousing event, such as the trial and +burning of a heretic, and for that purpose are we assembled here." + +"Sad, but true," agreed the Threadbare Coat. "Any burning at the stake +would tend to revive faith, but the revival would be much stronger if +the burning flesh savored of heresy." + +"What?" shrieked the horrified Spectacles of the Student. "Is it +necessary to burn human flesh in this modern age? Would it not do quite +as well to set fire to a cage of black cats? Surely the burning of cats +would create a stench that would smell to high heaven." + +"Tut, tut," sniffed the Clerical Collar. + +Then the Venerable Beard spoke up nobly. "The red hand of heresy +grapples white faith by the throat. What is the use of all our +theological blue laws if the black heart of atheism continues to control +our yellow press?" + +"Softly, softly, Brother," the Threadbare Coat made answer; "It is not +charitable, neither is it wise, to bite the hand that feeds the press." + +"Do not worry," replied the Vest with the Silver Horseshoes. "I never +let my theological hand know what my secular hand doeth. Let us proceed +to business. The burning of any heretic is good for a headline." + +The Spectacles of the Student now arose in righteous indignation, +pointed a finger of contempt at the Vest with the Silver Horseshoes and +cried: "Do not tell me that you merely wish to burn a heretic to make +news for your paper. I know why you are a fundamentalist. You have a +monopoly on the oil!" + +"Young man, you betray your ignorance," spake the Clerical Collar. "The +church has its own oil reserves." + +"But we should save the oil to pour on troubled waters," suggested the +Threadbare Coat; "and that we could do if we had an obese heretic who +would burn in his own fat." + +The Vest with the Silver Horseshoes became self-conscious. "There is no +necessity of my being the martyr," he said. "I am already known to the +masses. Moreover a heretic, to burn brilliantly, must have ideas, not +mere fat." + +A look of great fear now came into the Spectacles of the Student, who +cried out: "You all assume because you see a light in my attic that I am +burning the midnight candle at both ends in search of ideas; but I tell +you it is the light of faith that shines from my window." + +"What use is a false faith?" retorted the Clerical Collar. "I know that +my faith alone is the true faith, because my mother told me it was so. +But I will reveal the heretic to you." And he pointed an accusing finger +at the Venerable Beard. + +"If you have no respect for my grey hairs," wailed the accused, "I will +pluck them out." And he seized his beard and tore it from his face. + +"Do not think, brother," replied the Clerical Collar, "that by doing +penance with self-torture, you can avoid the stake. Moreover you should +feel honored at my charge, for I do not accuse you of any petty heresy, +such as doubting that the eclipse of our moon is for the purpose of +hiding the angels at their baths. I accuse you of the _Heresis Maximus_, +that you doubt the virgin father!" + +"Why, how absurd!" remarked Gud naively. "There never was one to doubt." + +No sooner were these words out of the mouth of Gud than the six +characters in search of a heretic pounced in frenzied joy upon him. +Binding him with chains of iron and fetters of brass, they dragged him +forth to the heretical pyre, to which the Vest of the Silver Horseshoes +applied the torch, while the presses hummed with the news of the +burning. + +But as the flames licked hot about the feet of Gud, he slipped his +chains; and blazing with ethereal fire that dulled the smoke of +intolerance and the smudge of inquisition, Gud, the martyr, arose in a +flame of splendor. And using the stars as stepping stones, he strode +across the heavens to the place where he was going--for he had an +assignation there. + + + + +Chapter XLVIII + + +She came toward Gud with an arch smile. In fact, her smile was very +arch. Her brows were also arched. But her nose was as straight as the +road to Hell and her lashes were curved as the new-born moon. They were +also long and drooping. Her eyes were opalescent, her complexion +translucent, her forehead high, and her cheekbones low. She had a +cupid's bow mouth and her lips were very ruby. Her teeth were like +genuine pearls and her chin was dimpled and single. + +When she spoke to Gud her voice was as musical as the song the silkworms +sing. + +And when Gud spoke to her, she sighed in ecstasy of lavender-scented +flattery, and her eyelids drooped like languid draperies across a +seacoal fire. + +"I have brought my book," she murmeled as she reached into her corsage +and drew forth a manuscript bound with skins of humming birds. "May I +read it to you? It's title is 'Art and Wealth and Anatomy Sesame.'" + +She opened the book at random--which is the proper way to open any +non-fiction book written by a woman--and her voice warbled as she read: + +"The lambent enoughness of atomless ultraness vegetateth for eons in +ultramarine slime and thence crawleth hencely, attaining esoteric power +by the sublimation of the egomania into splenetic colorature which by +chemic vortices electrifying plasmic erotifcanaticism ascends to organic +indefinability and multitudinous indefinity, and soareth toward the +inordinate fulfillment of superconscious metapsychoses." + +She of the dimpled and single chin, laid aside her manuscript and stared +reproachfully at Gud. "Do you comprehend it?" she beseeched. + +"Why, certainly. But what does it mean?" said Gud, who was always +willing to increase his knowledge if he could do so without interfering +with his previous beliefs. + +"It is a new theory," replied the ruby lips, "of the conquest of +anatomy. This theory is based on the hypotheses that the organ called +the brain is nothing but an adventitous, radio-active tumor that yields +two secretions. The external secretion is what is called the mind and +the internal secretion is known as the soul. From this hypothesis there +follows the tetravalent truth: + +"All life is anatomy. + +"All anatomy is matter. + +"All matter is nothing. + +"Therefore nothing matters." + +"Then why bother about it?" asked Gud. + +But she did not answer, for her drooping eyes had again sought the open +book that lay on her dimpled knees, and her voice whippled and yodeled +as she read. + +"The immortal soul is destroyed by the psychic spirit. + +"The psychic spirit is destroyed by the mental psyche. + +"The mental psyche is destroyed by the rational mind. + +"The rational mind is destroyed by the common sense. + +"The common sense is destroyed by the emotion. + +"The emotion is destroyed by the instinct. + +"The instinct is destroyed by the physiology. + +"The physiology is destroyed by the anatomy.... How do you like my +eyes?" + +"Very," said Gud, "for your pupils shine as unborn souls of May-green +stars floating in the nebulous nonentity." + +After which her butler came to say that Messrs. Confucius and Buddha +were calling. + + + + +Chapter XLIX + + + We have built our own skyscrapers + Out of slender metal girders, + We have flung our shining cities, + Reaped our harvests from the sod.... + With our paths of empire crimson + From a list of countless murders, + We go shrieking down the darkness, + Bent on worshipping a god. + + + + +Chapter L + + +Gud came around a bend in the Impossible Curve and lo, the Curve +broadened into a great highway which was very smooth. The way had been +rough before, so Gud now rejoiced and struck his staff gleefully on the +pavement, as he walked on in the middle of the great highway. But ere he +had progressed far, there came from behind him an agonizing shriek, as +of a man being flayed alive because he loved his neighbor's wife. + +The agonizing shriek startled Gud, so that he leaped sideways rather +spryly--considering that he was not slender. Just as he leaped, a +chariot rushed by with the speed of light, which is the speed limit. Had +Gud been less spry he would have ended fatally, the chariot would not +have stopped, and Gud would have never known what it was. But having +been spry, Gud had leaped almost out of the way; only his staff had been +knocked from his hand and his elbow broken. Observing the injury done to +the pedestrian, the demon who drove the chariot caused its speed to +abate, and presently it wheeled about and came roaring back to where Gud +stood, and stopped. + +The demon alighted and said: "Seems we had a little accident." + +"Nay, it feels, I know not seems," returned Gud, rubbing his elbow. + +"Pedigreed?" asked the demon. + +"No, fractured," said Gud. + +"Dead, I take it," remarked the demon, and he kicked something that lay +limp and prone on the highway. + +Then Gud observed that the Underdog was dead. + +"How much?" asked the demon. And before Gud could speak, the demon +pulled out a roll of the medium of exchange and unrolled it and handed +Gud a portion of the medium. + +As Gud had no pockets he put the medium under his girdle and remarked: +"If my staff had not been broken, I could revive him." + +"A pulmotor would be more likely," said the demon; and he went to the +chariot, brought back an instrument and applied last aid to the +Underdog, who presently wagged his tail feebly, opened his eyes and +whined piteously. + +Gud realized that the demon had paid him because the Underdog had been +dead; and now that Fidu was no longer dead, Gud felt constrained to +return that which the demon had given him. + +Thereupon the demon looked more gracious and said: "Where are you +going?" + +"We were walking for pleasure," answered Gud. + +At this foolish reply the demon looked confounded. "Well I don't see any +pleasure in walking," he remarked. "Better jump in--I'll take you as far +as Progress. It is just beyond Advertising." + +So Gud assumed alacrity, and jumped into the chariot; and the demon +threw the Underdog, which was still whining piteously, into the rear of +the chariot, and then sat himself beside Gud. + +The demon manipulated many mechanisms skilfully; and the chariot began +to roar mightily and then to purr contentedly, as the great highway +slipped beneath it. + +Gud was pleased with the demon's chariot and sat back on the cushions +and sighed enviously. + +Suddenly the chariot swerved and shrieked its agonizing shriek, and Gud +saw a lesser chariot, like unto the demon's chariot but smaller and +meaner looking. And the demon smiled scornfully, and said: "That was a +Lord." + +And they had not gone far after they passed the Lord when they came to a +small place with a great sign: "SPEED LIMIT THE SPEED OF SOUND." + +And the demon swore balefully, and the powerful chariot heaved and +groaned distressingly. Gud looked out upon the way and saw that it was +rough like a washlady's board, and there were many sharp turns and +detours; and at one place there was a sign: "THIS ROAD TO HIGHWATER." +Presently there was another sign: "THIS ROAD TO BREAKFAST." + +Gud asked: "What place is this?" + +Just as he had spoken the chariot reversed its direction so that Gud +could see behind it, and there was a sign which read: "FREE AIR AND GAS +TO BURN, BUT DON'T ASK FOR WATER." + +Gud was about to ask the meaning of all these strange signs and wonders +when the chariot turned a somersault, and Gud saw another sign being +written on the sky. This was mightier than all, and as Gud read it the +Lord passed beneath them; for the reading of the sign was: "THIS IS +HELL." + +When they had passed through Hell the road became smooth again, and the +demon smiled and began to burn up the road; and Gud looked into a small +mirror and could see Hell diminishing according to the law of +perspective. But of a sudden Hell ceased to be visible, for the demon +was angry; and he was exceeding the speed limit, which was the speed of +light, and that is why the light of Hell could no longer reach them. + +As there was nothing now to be seen in the rear, Gud looked ahead and +found that he could see more than twice as fast as usual, for they were +meeting the light that came from that direction at more than its own +speed. So Gud saw the tail light of the Lord that had passed them in +Hell. The demon turned on the warning glare to apprize the little Lord +of his approach, but this action was without avail since they were +exceeding the speed of light and the glare could not shine fast enough +to warn the Lord; and so the Lord was unwarned. Then the demon swore +unjustly and called the Lord "A way-swine"; but it availed nothing and +the Lord was run down and run over, and left as an empty tin that had +been stepped on by a dinosaur with an iron heel. + +After they had passed through Advertising and through Alltalk, which was +a suburb of Advertising, they came to Progress and the demon slowed down +and began to show Gud the town. + +The Underdog had recovered from his injuries and crawled out and stood +on the running board with his fore feet on the front defender and barked +joyfully, for Progress was a lively enough town and largely made up of +show windows and chariot factories. + +When the demon came to the end of his journey Gud alighted and said: +"Much obliged." + +The demon said: "Not at all." + +The Underdog jumped from the chariot and ran gleefully up to one who was +standing in front of a factory and playing with an enormous horse-power. + +Gud was jealous when he saw how much the Underdog seemed to love the +stranger and how much the stranger seemed to love the Underdog, and Gud +asked the demon who the stranger was. And the demon said: "Why, that is +Lord, who makes the little Lord chariots. If you won't tell him I ran +over one, I'll introduce you." + +So Gud met Lord, and Lord said: "I think I make a pretty good chariot." + +"Yes," said Gud, "It can pass any chariot in Hell." + +After that Lord excused himself and went into his office to dictate an +article on the "Importance of Eating Pork"; and Gud was left at the +mercy of Lord's sales force. + +So Gud went across the street and entered the palatial office of a great +chariot maker and once inside he was obliged to pledge his honor and his +name. And when Gud came out of that place he was the proud possessor of +a great chariot with a mild roar. + +They started off and went back toward Hell, for they were headed that +way and could not turn around. They passed through Hell and went on from +Hell to Breakfast, and the chariot roared beautifully. + +Then the price of faith, which the great chariot burned, began to +increase at each filling station, and the hope, which smoothed its +running, became full of grit, and the charity on which it rolled began +to blow up, and the way became rough and the curves became impossible, +even for a great chariot; and Gud began to wish for a Lord. + +But there was no Lord in sight. Gud tinkered with the great chariot with +patience, and energized the battery with nerve, but all was of no avail. + +So when a Blackamoor came along on a gray mule, Gud made a bargain and +exchanged the great chariot for the mule. But Gud recalling the story +about the old man and his son and the jackass, Gud threw his animal into +the river at once, to avoid criticism. + +Gud now whistled to the Underdog, and the Underdog harkened to the +whistle and followed after Gud, for they were both meek in the humility +of wisdom. + + + + +Chapter LI + + +They had not gone far until Gud was arrested. His thumb print was taken +and he was cast into jail. As he did not know how to change his thumb +print, he wished to know why he had been arrested, in order to judge +whether it would be honorable to escape. So he inquired of one of his +fellow prisoners. And the prisoner listened to Gud's story and made +answer: "You have been arrested because you drove a high-powered chariot +without being possessed of a large amount of money. The catalog of crime +which such a combination engenders is tedious and fulsome." + +"But what is the remedy?" asked Gud, for he did not like to remain a +criminal. + +"Money," replied the prisoner, "you should make money. If we could get +out of this place I would show you how, for I am by trade a +money-maker." + +"Very well," said Gud, and he commanded the walls of the jail to fall +down, and he and the money-maker walked out over the fallen walls and +proceeded to the money-maker's den. + +But Gud soon tired of the tedious process of copper engraving; and going +out for a stroll about the town he came upon the booth of a +fortune-teller. + +"I wish you would tell me a fortune," said Gud, "for I am badly in need +of one." + +"But for that I charge money," said the fortune-teller. + +"Why?" asked Gud. + +"Because, I know what is going to happen." + +"So do I," said Gud. + +"Liar!" cried the fortune-teller. "If you knew what was going to happen, +and had any insight whatsoever into future events, you would not be +standing idly here, for you would be in the Street." + +"Thanks for the suggestion," replied Gud, "I will go there immediately." + +When Gud reached the Street he found many bulls there and bears and +lambs, and men who were busy watering their stock. And Gud found there +also a private secretary who was watching the tape. And Gud said: "Why +do you watch the tape with eager eyes?" + +And she answered and said to Gud: "Because I wish to know what figures +are on the tape as quickly as any one else." + +"And how would you like to know more quickly?" + +"Indeed," she cried, "if one could, he would soon own the earth." + +"It is easy," said Gud. "All you have to do is to read these figures +before they appear instead of afterwards." + +"Can you do that?" + +"Why certainly! It is easy to read the future, if you know how." + +And so Gud showed her how to read the future, and she showed Gud how to +cash in on the readings, and presently they owned the earth. + + + + +Chapter LII + + + He loads the dice, scratches the cards, + Hoists us up by our own petards; + And when low music thrills the banquet halls, + His shadow like a silent spectre falls + In grotesque imagery upon the walls. + + A mad child left an empire's might + The kingdom of the day and night + And as he babbles on the palace floor, + He listens to the silver thunder roar + Like troubled seas upon some distant shore. + + With froth upon a sensual lip, + He sinks in play some crowded ship. + Then lightly in an idle mood of mirth + As though it were a trinket of no worth + Down starry skies he flings some living earth. + + Life's roulette table stops for him + To any cackling vagrant whim. + His own police are venal, full of doubt; + Indeed the cheapest little racetrack tout + Knows more what sportsmanship is all about. + + His gold face and his jet black hair + The jewels his madness makes him wear. + His laws, a madman's irony + The moon his mask above the sea + Some morning he will turn his vacant eyes + And see the sun with jealous new surprise + And on the following day it will not rise. + + + + +Chapter LIII + + +And when the last sound had gone howling by and tumbled into the +bottomless pit of silence, Gud held his breath, and even Fidu ceased to +breathe and listened ... and listened for the echo that was still ... +and it was as quiet as the missing link, as silent as a broken heart, as +mute as a withered violet in a virgin's dream. + + + + +Chapter LIV + + +Gud had traveled many infinite distances since he had seen any sign of +matter or mind or spirits. In this region things were not merely dead! +they were absolutely non-existent, and Gud became a trifle lonesome. + +He was in his ghostly incognito, for he always traveled lightly in +vacuous and doubtful regions. To sojourn as an immaterial spirit among +material beings gives one a sense of power, for what could be more +glorious than to see without eyes, hear without ears, ring bells without +hands or kick over tables without feet? But it is a very dull business +to journey along as a spirit in absolute nothingness. + +Indeed it is a business as dull as a Latin conjugation. So Gud now +realized that he was sensing something with his seventh sense, which was +more acute than the canine instinct of the Underdog and almost as +unerring as a woman's intuition. + +This seventh sense told Gud that he had entered a spiritual realm, and +he became aware of a black ghost of a white cat with one ghoulish +unseeing eye, sitting on the shadow of a back fence echoing a diabolical +howl. + +Gud could not hear the ghost cat howl, but he knew that it was howling +because with his seventh sense he felt the vibration of its howl +quivering through the impalpable and ghostly ether. + +The howl of the ghost cat petrified Gud's gall, for he sensed that the +creature had nine notches on its tail; hence would never live again, and +had nothing to howl about. + +So Gud picked up a stone and threw it at the ghost cat, but he aimed +high, and the stone, passing through a bush of credulity, killed two +birds of promise; whereupon the ghost cat ceased to howl. + +As Gud went on he became aware of ghosts strolling about among the ruins +of nothing. + +And Gud said to the ghosts: "Where is your king?" + +And the ghosts replied to Gud: "We have no king." + +"Then," said Gud, "I would be told of your form of government." + +But the ghosts answered: "Our government has no form because we have no +government." + +"Then," said Gud, "I would meet your doctors or lawyers or great and +famous ghosts." + +And they made answer that they had none. + +"Then," said Gud, "I would be told of your religion and learn of your +faith." + +Said the ghosts: "We have no religion and no faith, for we are too +immaterial to sin; and are therefore without fear of death, and thus +need no religion and no faith." + +"Then," said Gud, "this is a dull place. What do you call it?" + +Replied the ghosts, who had a very long time to live: "We have no name +for the place, but we are very happy here." + +When Gud learned that this place was nameless, he whistled for his +Underdog and they went on and passed through an impalpable fog of +etheric vibrations, and over a great gulf of sublimated emptiness, and +through a dark forest of neglected memories, and across a sandless +desert swept by a breathless wind. + + + + +Chapter LV + + + The graveyard of the gods is silent under a heavy sky, + Where all the gods who never lived are buried when they die. + + Pale angels kneel beside the graves, stretching row on row, + And madmen carrying mouldy flowers quickly come and go. + + A withered lily in her hand Saint Any-One-At-All, + With pale, thin fingers opens the gate in an ivied wall. + + Her face an open wound of wonder, bleeding with defeat, + And as she walks, the shining snow crunches under her feet. + + The ghosts of trees reach icy arms up to a starless sky, + Mourning the gods who never were that rest here when they die. + + Pale angels kneel beside the graves stretching row on row, + And madmen carrying mouldy flowers quickly come and go. + + + + +Chapter LVI + + +Having passed through the graveyard of the gods, Gud came to a vast +beyond where there really was nothing, when the gods are dead there can +be nothing. And so Gud journeyed on, for he would not stop at nothing, +and he came to a church, because it was Saturday night. + +Crouched by the steps of the church was a poor old skeptic begging alms +of faith. + +"Why do you beg?" asked Gud. + +"Because I have need of faith," said the skeptic. + +"If I should give you a great amount of faith, would you use it to +destroy your doubts, or would you go out and proclaim it to others, and +thus give it all away?" + +"Try me," said the skeptic. + +"Then believe that I am Gud." + +"I will, if you can prove it to me!" + +"What proof shall I offer you?" asked Gud. For while he knew that proof +was not necessary to faith, yet he was willing to humor the poor old +skeptic because he was so weighted down with his burden of doubts. + +"If you be Gud," said the skeptic, "then you should know all things." + +"And that I do." + +"Very well," said the skeptic, "how mad is a wet hen?" + +Whereupon Gud called down fire from the heaven of that place and smote +the blasphemer so that he died. + +But when Gud called down the fire that smote the skeptic, alas, he +destroyed the church house also. The next morning when the sun arose, +behold the spot where the church had been was a greensward of two-bladed +grass. But presently worshippers came and seated themselves upon the +grass and lifted up their eyes in prayer. + +Gud did not wait to see who answered their prayers, for he had gone on +into a realm where the nights are as cold as greed, and where little +stars are born--and comets, like tadpoles, lose their tails, and burst +into shining suns. + +And yet again Gud passed on beyond all stars and on and on until he +reached the limits of thoughts, beyond which were only dim traces of +imagination. And passing still on and ever on he came to a place where +only the hope of faith abides, and lo, he was confronted here with a +great wall of light. + +And Gud knew--for he still knew all things--that this wall of light was +the great and mighty wall that flings its shining reaches round about +the City of the Forgotten Ghosts. These ghosts feared that dark +memories, which were their only enemies, might find them out, so they +had builded this mighty wall of light about their ghostly city. + +But those who know all things need stop at nothing, and Gud, first +casting off all memories that clung about him, kneeled down beside the +wall of light and rubbed a little ring of pale intrusion. And behold a +door of darkness opened in the wall of light. Gud arose and passed +through the door of darkness in the wall of light. When he had passed +through, the door of darkness closed behind him, and, having revoked all +memories, Gud could not recall that it had been. + +As Gud now journeyed through the outer environs of the City of the +Forgotten Ghosts, he rejoiced to become aware that these were holy +ghosts--for behold the way was lined with the shadows of ten thousand +crosses whereon hung ten thousand crucified ghosts. + +Seeing that he was among friends, Gud decided to tarry yet a little +while. + +He was very much interested to learn that the inhabitants of this realm +were not merely the spiritual leftovers of deceased material beings, but +were true ghosts who had always been ghosts. This fact puzzled Gud, but +there was no doubt about its authenticity, for the ghosts had a +revelation that testified to their purely ghostly origin. + +All the ghosts accepted this revelation of their origin, but there were +differences of opinion as to their destination. Having an honest +difference of opinion about an unknowable matter, there was, of course, +ample justification for the ten thousand crucified ghosts that hung on +the shadows of crosses. + +Among these ghosts, who were so positive about their origin and so +uncertain about their destiny, there were two sects: the Spiritualists +and the Materialists. The Spiritualists, knowing that they had always +been spirits, argued that they would always remain spirits. But the +Materialists decried this pessimistic faith and held forth a great hope +that if they adhered to all the platitudes they would have the pleasure +of shuffling off the immortal coil and being reborn as material beings. + +It was the tenets of this sect that Gud espoused, for he admired the +faith of these mere ghosts who had never sensed matter, and yet had +lifted up their eyes in the hope of material life. + +With his experience in such affairs Gud readily assumed the role of a +prophet of this Materialistic faith. But it is not sufficient merely to +call the righteous to repentance, and Gud indulged his imagination to +think of some way to impress the skeptical Spiritualists with the truth +of the Materialist faith. + +It was Fidu who gave Gud the idea for the great miracle, for Fidu had +remained close to his master, both of course, in their spiritual beings. + +The ghosts were not aware that Fidu was among them, and not being +familiar with dogs they walked right through him, ignoring the poor +beast quite utterly, which was very humiliating to Fidu. + +So Gud, in sympathy with the Underdog's humiliation, conceived of a +great idea, and he called the leaders of the Materialist sect together +and asked: "Have any of you ever sensed a material being?" + +"No!" answered they, "we have never sensed matter, which is why we have +faith in its existence." + +"True," said Gud, "enough for the faithful, but these infidels, some of +whom you neglected to crucify, have not faith without works. Let us +therefore create a material being wherewith to confound them." + +"And of what will you create a material being?" + +"I usually create things out of nothing," answered Gud. + +"But Master," cried the Ghosts, "we have very little of nothing. How +much would it take?" + +"It will suffice," said Gud, and he whistled to Fidu and straightway +materialized him. + +A real live dog weighing about twenty-seven pounds, running around +through the ghosts, made quite a sensation; and it greatly delighted +those of the Materialist faith and converted most of the Spiritualists. + +Gud thought for a time he had converted all the infidels and skeptics in +the realm to the true faith, but he later found that there was one +little band upon whom the materialization of Fidu had made no +impression. This sect denied the spiritual existence that they were +living, and taught that there was no such a thing as the spirit, but +that all was matter. + +Gud could not understand why this sect should call themselves +Materio-Spiritists, since they were certainly not Spiritualists, as they +denied the existence of spirit--and yet they were not Materialists, for +they did not believe in matter as matter, but in spirit as matter. + +These Materio-Spiritists were not impressed by the miracle Gud had +wrought in the interest of the orthodox Materialist faith. They believed +that all was matter, yet they did not recognize matter when they met it +in the road. They denied the matter-of-fact Fidu, and said he was only +an illusion of the non-existent spiritual mind and hence could have no +existence, material or immaterial. + +Even when Gud took the material dog to their place of worship and had +him bark at the service, they still argued that the material Fidu was +non-existent. + +Gud was a little crest-fallen at his inability to convert the +Materio-Spiritists, and yet the more he argued with them, the more +doubtful he became of his own convictions. In fact, he became so +confounded that he forgot what his convictions were, and was not sure +whether he was a ghost or not, or whether the material dog was real or +imaginary. + +Finally, to settle his doubts, Gud decided to kill all the ghosts and +see whether they would be reborn as material beings or disappear +altogether. When he proclaimed his intention there was much rejoicing in +the ranks of the Materialists, who thus saw the fulfillment of their +faith. + +As the day of the spiritual death approached there was a great revival +of faith, and much repentance and divers preparation to assume the +material role. + +Gud was a little puzzled as to how to kill so many ghosts at once. +Earthquakes and floods and all that sort of thing were clearly +inadequate, but he recalled that the crowing of a cock was very +destructive to ghostly life. So he sent Fidu back to the last material +realm they had passed, to retrieve a cock which could crow most lustily. + +The cock arrived amid a vast darkness, and Gud prepared a great light, +at the sight of which the cock crew mightily--and every ghost died of +fright. + +As the cock was pedigreed, Gud sent Fidu back to restore it to its +owner, while he sat himself down to wait for the appearance of the +material beings. + +None appeared. + +After a while Gud grew tired of waiting. + +The place was very still and very dark for the wall of light was dark on +the inside. In spite of his own ghostly being Gud found that he was +getting nervous. He had creepy sensations up and down his spine-- + +This is a flunk. Ghosts of the ghosts are too much for my imagination. +It was Hersey's idea anyway. When you kill a ghost, of course you would +have a ghost of a ghost to take its place, and one ought to be able to +imagine it. But if you kill that, then you should have the ghost of a +ghost of a ghost, and that is straining the imagination to its cracking +point. And if you kill that then you should have the ghost of a ghost of +a ghost of a ghost--et cetera, ad infinitum, to the Nth expansion--me +for Einstein and his warped light. + + + + +Chapter LVII + + +As Gud strolled along trying to forget the past he stumbled over the +soul of an old blind ghost who was sitting on a petrified memory and +sentimentalizing over her woes. + +"Pardon me," said Gud, "but why are you so blind that I could not see +you?" + +"I am blind," replied the old soul, "because I strained my eyes out +looking at the moving pictures, and now I am very miserable because I +can not see them." + +"Oh, if that is all," answered Gud, "I will restore your sight. It will +cost you nothing but a little praise and gratitude." + +When the old soul received her sight she looked around the barren astral +landscape and was sorely disappointed, for there were no moving pictures +there; and she complained bitterly in her disappointment. + +"I could make a motion picture for you if you would tell me how," +offered Gud. + +"That I will do gladly," cried the old soul, "but first you must have an +author to write the scenario." + +"That is easy," replied Gud. "There--I have created one. Speak to her, +author, for the poor old soul was blind." + +"So I see," answered the author, as he extracted a cigarette. "And she +wants a story, I take it; but she has been blind and is probably +illiterate, and can not read, and I never tell my stories as poets +recite their verses--it is bad taste, you know." + +"I will restore her literacy," offered Gud, who was in a miraculous +mood, "and then she can read." + +"It would be doing me no good," sighed the old soul, "for even if I +could read the directions on patent medicine bottles because they are +printed in so many languages, yet I could never read fiction stories on +account of the quotation marks, and it's the pictures I want anyway." + +"Oh, pictures," said the author, as he ignited his cigarette, "now that +is a different matter; I create stories for the love of art, but moving +pictures can not be created for the love of art, for there is no art in +them to love." + +"Since we are both creators," said Gud, "I don't like to dictate to you, +so suppose we compromise. You write a poem for art's sake--as there is +no other excuse for writing one--but put it in the form of a scenario." + +"Now that is what I call clever!" exclaimed the author, and he whipped +out his Corona and wrote the scenario forthwith. + +What it was you shall never know, for movie scenarios could never get by +heavenly censors without mutilation, and when the censors had done with +this one there remained not even the mutilation. However, the author +read it to the old soul. + +"That is a fine scenario," cried she to Gud, "but you will have to make +a director to make the picture out of the scenario." + +So Gud made a director. He had never made one before but they are easily +made, as they can be made out of most anything. + +"Well, I see we have the scenario," remarked the director, when Gud had +finished making him, "but it hasn't the proper ending." + +"I am sorry," said the author, "but I didn't write a proper ending as I +knew you would use your own anyway." + +"I know his ending," cried the ugly old soul, "and it is very +beautiful--it's the one where--" + +"Shut up, you old fool," bawled the director, "don't you know you will +spoil the suspense by telling the audience how it is going to end?" + +"But in this case we have a real plot," said the author, "and it ought +not to be mutilated--" + +"Shut up, you conceited pup," howled the director, "and here, take your +scenario and have it printed if you like. I don't need it anyway." + +And so the author took the scenario and folded it and put it in his +inside pocket and walked away, inhaling angrily on his last cigarette. + +"Now," spoke the director, "as that infernal ass is gone we can get +busy." + +"What can I do?" asked Gud. + +"Make the cast for me, pick out the sets and rig the props. But first I +must have six beautiful girls. It is going to be an all-star cast and I +want each of them as beautiful as she can be, yet distinctive, so the +audience can tell which is which." + +So Gud made six girls, all as beautiful as they could be, and yet all as +different as wives are from concubines. + +"Fine," exclaimed the director, as he pawed them over affectionately. + +"I love you," said the girl with the Cupid's bow mouth. + +"I loved him first," spoke the girl with the sorrowful eyes. + +"But I love him most," cried the girl with the angel-child curls. + +"But I love him like the flower loves the dew," wailed the girl with the +human form divine. + +"But I love him so that I could die for him," sobbed the girl with the +very tender heart. + +"Then die," shrieked the old-fashioned vampire, as she plunged a dagger +into the very tender heart. + +All the girls brought orange blossoms and laid them on the coffin and +wept much in each other's arms, and the director renounced his +professional ambitions and went back to his old job as market reporter +on an undertaker's weekly. + +"Oh, thank you so much," spoke the ugly old soul to Gud. + +"For what?" asked Gud. + +"For the beautiful sentiments of the picture," she replied. + +"But that wasn't a picture," corrected Gud, "that was reality." + +"What are you saying?" queried the old soul, "I was blind, you know, and +didn't hear very well either." + +"Oh, nothing," said Gud. "I am glad you enjoyed it." For he saw that she +had taken reality for romance, which is a far more beautiful illusion +than taking romance for reality. So Gud went quietly on his way. + + + + +Chapter LVIII + + +And Gud overtook a thief who had stolen an ocean and loaded it into a +wagon which he had hitched to a star. The thief was making a poor +getaway, for the wagon was leaking badly and was dropping clues at every +step. + +To avoid being drowned in the drippings, Gud turned into an unexplored +dimension, but before he could get his bearings he was run down by an +insane comet collector, who was madly chasing a comet that was buzzing +dangerously near an incandescent sun--so hot that its nearest molecules +were farther apart than the hearts of a bigamist's wives. + +To avoid the net of the comet collector Gud hid himself in an ethereal +cavern. There he found a spiritual paleontologist at work reconstructing +extinct souls from the merest fossil fragments. + +Gud picked up a tiny fragment and asked the paleontologist what manner +of soul it had been. + +The paleontologist scrutinized it through his confounded monocle and +replied: "It is a bit of ectoplasm from the soul of a woman killed by +curiosity. She was forever asking her lovers, 'How much do you love +me?'" + +The paleontologist now reached up to a geometrical plane and brought +down another small fossil. "Observe," said he, "the marking on this +other bit of petrified ectoplasm, and note how the two differ." + +"Yes, I see," said Gud, "what is that one?" + +"That," replied the paleontologist, "is a fragment of the aura of a +woman who wished to be loved for herself alone." + +"It is very interesting," agreed Gud, "but tell me why those two +completed models on the nebulous shelf behind you look so +argumentative." + +"Ah," said the paleontologist, "they are the pride of my collection, +being the reconstruction of two friendly enemies. One was the soul of a +deist and the other the soul of an atheist, and they argued and argued +through one eternity after another. They argued not wisely but too well, +for each finally converted the other, and the deist became an atheist +and the atheist became a deist. Then they started arguing all over +again. But before the atheist who had become a deist could convert the +deist who had become an atheist back to deism, or the deist who had +become an atheist could convert the atheist who had become a deist back +to atheism, the astral plane was rotated into a cosmic epizoid, +resulting in a cataclysm that buried these two poor souls in an +avalanche of metaphysical debris which was stratified under the radiant +pressure, just as we find it here." + +"It is very wonderful," said Gud, "but why do you probe into secrets of +the dead past when there are so many living souls existing in poverty of +hopes or a sorrow of memories?" + +The paleontologist removed the confounded monocle from his eye, and +wiped the lens with a bit of chamois skin. + +"I am no base utilitarian," said he, "but a pure scientist seeking truth +for truth's sake." + +"Well," said Gud, "a good deal of it isn't worth seeking for any other +reason. Do you know I have often wondered what any one would do with all +the truth if he did find it--for my part I have never been able to make +use of half I possessed." + +"But you misunderstand the aims of pure science. We scientists have no +use for truth either, after we have found it; but the search for truth +raises us above the base utilitarian." + +"Yes," said Gud, "pure science is all right in its place, but you wipe +the lens of your confounded monocle with a chamois skin, and how could +one get chamois skin unless there were farmers and butchers and skinners +and tanners to farm, butcher, skin and tan the chamois?" + +"Mere hewers of wood and drawers of water," repeated the pure scientist +with disdain, "let them serve truth and searchers after truth; for +knowledge is power and the truth shall make us free." + +"Free of what?" asked Gud. + +But the paleontologist did not answer, for he had spied another bit of +fossilized ectoplasm and was readjusting his confounded monocle so that +he might examine it, to see if it were part of the fragment of the soul +of the infant prodigy who had mastered calculus before it cut its canine +teeth, or merely another piece of that soul of the man who had gone +spiritually to pieces when he met his fame. + +Alas, it was neither but something worse, and so Gud asked what it was. + +"It is the fragment," replied the paleontologist, "of the soul of an old +maid who committed suicide because she could not live in eternal doubt." + +"And what did she doubt?" asked Gud. + +"Her virtue." + +"And why did she doubt that?" + +"Because she suffered from a dual personality complicated by amnesia." + +"Oh, I see," said Gud, "she wanted to know how the other half lived." + +"No, no," protested the fossil collector, "she was not a sociologist but +one of the minor female poets who specialize in ballads in the romantic +manner. See, here is one of her manuscripts that she had translated so +that she could take it with her." + +"Translated into what?" asked Gud. + +"Into spirit language," said the paleontologist, "and if you read it you +will see for yourself how very spiritual it is." + +Gud took the poem and glanced at the first line. "Pardon me," he said, +"but is there a graveyard handy?" + +"As you should judge for yourself," replied the paleontologist, "from +the number of bones I have been digging up, this place itself was once a +graveyard." + +"All things that were can be again," said Gud, as he turned back the +wheel of time until he came into the graveyard as it was in the days of +its prosperity. + +Seeing that he was in the respectable part of the graveyard, Gud +hastened to walk down the hill to the less respectable portion. +Experience had taught him that in the part of a graveyard where rich men +are buried he was likely to be annoyed by relatives who felt they had +been cheated in the wills and were anxious to have resurrections +performed. + +As Gud strolled through the disreputable portion of the cemetery he came +upon a man who was sitting on a grave and weeping bitterly. + + + + +Chapter LIX + + + The Gods of the Gallows ride tonight + Their shadowy faces spotted white. + The creature who watches through the bars + Hears every footfall under the stars. + The gods of the gallows need no rest-- + They ride like chieftains--twelve abreast. + And now they have vanished, leaving hope, + And a thing that hangs at the end of a rope. + + Under the lattice a rosebud trembles, a rosebud trembles gently.... + Under the trees the shadows fall + In a silver pool by the garden wall; + Then here and there among the trees + Wind whispers rouse low litanies. + Like tiny voices of tongueless grief + That stir the silence of every leaf. + And who would know that under the lattice, under the lattice window, + Where the rosebud stirred like a startled fawn, + Two hands are creeping up the wall, + Two hands that are slim and white and small? + And who can hear the lattice open, the lattice open gently? + Now over the lip of the window sill, + A rustle of silks, the lattice closes, + No one has heard, the night is still, + Save unblossomed buds of the startled roses. + Yet were attentive ears to hearken: enemy ears to listen + Far off, far off, where the white road bends, + And the upturned cup of the blue sky ends, + They might have heard a horse's hoofs + Go clickity, clickity, clickity hack, clickity hack, clickity ... + clickity ... clickity ... hack + Wisely wondered why late at night + So speedy a horseman rode its back.... + Then the echo dimmed at the edge of a wood, + And the sound and the horse were gone for good. + The creature who watches through the bars + Heard every footfall under the stars. + + Beside the doorway of his cell + Imprisoned in that iron hell, + He taunted the guards of the King--the King's own guards they were-- + With scarlet breeches and purple coats, + Shining buckles upon their boots. + He taunted them with sneering jests. + He sneered at the medals on their breasts; + Laughed in the haughty captain's face, + Cut short the chaplain's plea for grace, + And hummed the popular air of the day + When they read the sentence, and bade him pray. + + "I promised her at our final tryst, + When our aching bodies clung and kissed, + That come what may, no matter when + I should see her to tell her I love her again." + + And he laughed through the bars + In a redcoat's face, + + Then he looked through the window + Up at the stars, + And saw that the dawn was taking place. + I'll be returning ere the dusk is down, + I'll be returning.... + Wait for me! + I'll be returning though life claims + Allegiance under lying rames. + + This was the song he sang for her--for her this song he sang. + + So there by the pool where the rose leaves drift. + She waited knowing the dawn was near, + And when she saw the shadows lift + And all the skies turn deep and clear, + She fled to her room--he had not come. + They dared not speak to her of him, + Her mother, her sister--aye, any of them. + For her face was carven out of stone + And her little lips made moan, made moan. + + Yet late that night when the house was still + She heard a horse ride over the hill. + "It is he, it is he," her heart sang sweet. + Then out of the window climbed to meet + The lover who made her hot heart beat. + Yes there he was with his handsome head, + And now the same dear things he said + As he drew close with a sweep of his arm. + The gods of the gallows need no rest-- + They ride like chieftains twelve abreast. + + One flower touched as she fluttered by, + Swung on its stem, + And one bright star in the purple sky + Shone over them. + And what he said, it matters not, + Nor what she said to him. + And he stopped to listen like one who is stirred; + His horse even hearkened, as though he heard. + For down the road there came abreast + Twelve men in ancient armor dressed. + There was something strange in the way they rode; + There was something odd in their manners. + They did not see the lovers there, + Nor heed the house at all, + But they rode like mad their horses backs.... + Rode through the solid wall. + When she had opened her frightened eyes + What was her pitiful heart's surprise + To find him gone + And the yellow dawn + A roaring flame in the new day's skies. + + And now they have vanished leaving hope, + And a thing that hangs at the end of a rope. + + They found her there + In a little heap + As though she had walked + In her lilied sleep. + And they never knew, + Though her mother said: + "It's a pity, so, + With her lover dead + On the gallows' tree + Three days ago...." + + + + +Chapter LX + + +"Why do you weep?" asked Gud, "since most of these dead ones will go to +Hell anyway." + +The man did not answer but kept on weeping. So Gud paused to read the +epitaph on the tombstone of the grave on which the man was sitting. The +inscription was: "IN THIS GRAVE LIE THE DAMNED SOULS OF UNBAPTIZED +BABES." + +"Come," said Gud, shaking the weeping man by the shoulder. "If your +child wasn't baptized it ought to be damned, but there is no use weeping +about it." + +"I never had a child," said the man, "but if I were going to have one, I +would take no chances, for I would call the priest before I sent for the +doctor." + +"Then why are you weeping?" repeated Gud. + +"Not over the contents of this grave, I assure you, but because of the +contents of that grave there by the creek's edge." + +"Is a relative of yours buried there?" asked Gud. + +"He was no relative of mine," said the man. "And yet I am weeping +because he is dead, and you would weep, too, if you were in my boots. +You see, I am the hangman and I hanged that man only a fortnight ago." + +"Ah, ha!" said Gud, "you hanged an innocent man!" + +"Indeed I did not! And if I wept over every innocent man I have hanged, +I would never have time to clean the scaffold. But I hanged that man for +a petty crime that was never committed." + +"And you weep?" asked Gud. + +"I weep," said the hangman, "because since I hanged him, we have +discovered that he was guilty of a great crime for which I hanged +another man a year ago." + +"Then you are weeping for the other man?" + +"No, no!" retorted the hangman, growing quite angry, "I am weeping +because, having hanged this man for a petty crime which was never +committed, I cannot hang him now for I have already hanged the other +man." + +"At last I understand," said Gud, greatly relieved, "and I think I can +help you out. Go get your rope and call your citizens!" + + + + +Chapter LXI + + +As he was sitting one night by a campfire waiting for the beans to boil, +Gud picked up a newspaper. Glancing over the advertisements, his eye +fell on this item: + + PARTNER WANTED: Fine opportunity for experienced deity to share + control of fully evolved world. Will call at any address to + give details.--I. B. DEVIL. + +This interested Gud, for his vacation was getting irksome. So he called +Fidu and let him sniff the advertisement and said: "Go get him!" + +Fidu immediately hit the trail through the great darkness, baying +beautifully. + +When the Underdog returned there followed at his heels a handsome Devil. + +Gud shook hands with his caller and, removing the pot of beans from the +hot rocks in the center of the fire, asked him to be seated. + +The Devil, throwing off his cape, sat down in the flames and poked his +feet comfortably into the glowing coals. + +"You are very considerate," said the Devil, as he took out his pipe and +filled the bowl with brimstone; "most fellows of your ilk would let me +shiver or make me start my own fire." + +"Don't mention it," said Gud. "You have, I believe, a partnership +proposition." + +"That I have," returned the Devil, "but first may I ask how you came to +be out of employment?" + +"I smashed everything," explained Gud, "and quit business. The place got +too big to be handled easily and I couldn't get efficient help. I +thought I would retire, or at least take a long vacation; but you know +how that goes, we are all creatures of habit." + +"Yes," agreed the Devil, "many of us are like that. We try to do too +much, and get discouraged and throw up everything. However, I have +always been a hard worker and rather liked it." + +"But you are out of a job now," said Gud significantly, "and before I +can talk business I will have to know why." + +"Certainly," said the Devil, "I am out of employment for the very +excellent reason that my god died." + +"What! You don't mean it?" + +"Why not? You fellows don't want to take your immortality too seriously. +It's a necessary pose, of course, as a matter of business; but you see +my god was really very old. He had a premonition, too, and very +thoughtfully left me a letter of recommendation. Would you like to see +it?" + +"Thanks, but I never look at letters of recommendation. I have written +too many of them. But tell me about this death of your employer." + +"My partner, you mean," corrected the Devil. "Of course, I was only the +junior partner, but I had a share in the loot. As I said, this chap was +old and had won and lost many realms. I was with him on his final +venture, running a hell as usual, and a purgatory on the side--the heavy +end of the job, I call it, on that three-realm theology. This old god +had nothing to do but sit up there surrounded by his angels--yes, he +really had angels, old-fashioned place, you know--and wait for the +resurrection when I was to deliver up his share of the loot from +purgatory, and the Chief Arch was to blast the sleepers out of their +graves." + +"That's a bit muddled," remarked Gud. + +"I grant it, but we had it arranged that way. Well, we got everything +ready and I turned the crowd out of purgatory as per agreement; and the +Arch blasted out the sleeping souls, and they all went trooping into +heaven, demanding to see their god. + +"It was a sorry affair, all those countless souls who had lived and +died, and some of them had suffered in purgatory for eons. And finally +they came trooping into heaven and no god in sight. + +"They sent an angel down for me, for the situation was beyond those harp +playing satellites. I found that the old god had died peacefully in his +sleep, leaving the letter for me and a proper will drawn up, but he was +dead. + +"I fixed up a double and set him on the throne to keep the crowd quiet +while I stood behind a screen to prompt him. But some disgruntled little +wing flapper betrayed us and the fraud got out. The crowd stopped +squabbling about their gowns and harps, and dropped their hymn books and +stared up at us. + +"It makes me sad yet when I think about it. I have roasted them and +flayed them and boiled them without mercy; all that was nothing like +seeing the disappointed expression in the eyes of those poor souls, all +arrayed in their new celestial gowns and with harps in hand, staring +like little lost children up at a dummy on the throne, and wailing +because their god was dead!" + +"When did all this happen?" asked Gud. + +"A long while ago--like you, I've been on a vacation. The fact was that +experience gave me a distaste for my profession. But you know how it is. +We are all creatures of habit, as you say, and there are ups and downs +in all business. I feel now that it is about time I got back to +work--especially since I discovered this virgin world. With that we can +start all over, everything new, all our experience to help us, and the +likelihood of good luck this time by the law of averages." + +"Right you are," agreed Gud, "there is nothing like work. A shoemaker +should stick to his last and die with his hammer in his hand. Yes, I +think I will consider your proposition. Where is this property you speak +of?" + +"In the eighth plane." + +"The eighth plane!" repeated Gud incredulously. "My dear fellow, there +are only seven planes!" + +"That's just it; it's being in a place where it could not be explains +why it is still there." + +"A fascinating tale," said Gud dubiously, "but how can mortals stay +rational and civilized if they do not know that we exist, or that there +are immortal joys and torments awaiting for them after they are through +with their brief span of mortality?" + +"Now I can't answer that question as to theory, but I can report my +observation of the fact that they manage it very decently well." + +"It seems incredible to me," sighed Gud. + +"It doesn't to me," replied the Devil, "for if I were mortal I would +surely make the best of the life I had instead of pining and worrying +about another, which, as you know for yourself, is never quite up to +mortal expectations." + +The Devil knocked the ash out of the bowl of his pipe on one of the +glowing rocks. "Naturally we haven't as much interest as you have in +keeping the superstition alive, since we have the dirty end of the deal. +But you know very well that you can't do business without us. It has +been repeatedly demonstrated that mortals quickly lose interest in those +one-sided theologies which, like their own Utopias, are insipid with +perfect goodness and boresome with joy. What pleasure could there be in +hoping to go to an eternal sunparlor without knowing that one's neighbor +was going to hell?" + +"Yes, yes, I grant that argument, but this virgin world of yours is +hardly plausible." + +"Holy comets!" exclaimed the Devil, springing up angrily, "do you doubt +my observation or my veracity?" + +"Both," said Gud. + +"We are wasting words. If you will step this way you can see for +yourself." + +"Just a moment," said Gud, who then arose and set the pot back on the +hot rocks, and commanded Fidu to tend the fire and not to spill the +beans. + +"Watch your step," called back the Devil. "There are some ugly holes in +the void beyond the seventh plane." + +"How is that for a sphere?" spoke the Devil as he pointed out his find. + +"Not half bad," admitted Gud, "but it's a little flat at the poles. +Strictly speaking, it is a spheroid." + +"Don't quibble over details. And now, if you don't mind, I'll +materialize as a prosperous gentleman and you can be my cane-bearer." + +"Not on your smoke," retorted Gud, "you advertised for a partner. We +materialize as equals or we stop right here." + +"Have it your way. I'll be a king in exile, and you can be a bricklayer +on strike." + +So in that guise they stepped aboard, taking care to alight on the north +pole to avoid the chance of an ugly fall. + +"Which way, now?" asked Gud. + +"South. We must obey their natural laws." + +So they traveled south to the equator, passing along the seashore where +the thriving cities were. As Gud walked along between the Devil and the +deep blue sea he saw many things that were never intended for him to +see. + +"Now," said the Devil, "we have seen the northern hemisphere, and the +southern one is just like it." + +"I am quite interested," admitted Gud. + +"Then let us step up the side of this volcano where we can both be +comfortable while we close our deal." + +So they climbed the volcano and the Devil found a seat on a heap of +freshly crusted lava, and Gud sat down on a nearby glacier. + +"First," began the Devil, "I would ask you if they had any souls?" + +"Not a soul," admitted Gud. "One could see it in their eyes." + +"And what about evidence of proprietorship?" + +Gud picked up a rock and examined it critically. "I see no evidence of +design," he confessed. + +"And how about their rationality?" + +"That's what worries me. They are entirely too rational. If we try to +give them souls they might reject them." + +"I can solve that," laughed the Devil. "Give the souls to the females +first." + +"What!" exclaimed Gud, "that has never been heard of. To give them all +souls at once is quite as radical a move as I could consider." + +"Well, I won't quibble over details. How long will it take you to fix up +your pace?" + +"I should say it would take me an eon." + +"Make it an epoch." + +"Oh, very well." + +"And how do you propose to divide the booty? Would you be satisfied with +predestination on a fifty-fifty split?" + +"I would not," returned Gud decisively. "I consider such collusion to +suppress competition most unprofessional. I will give them a revelation, +you can plant seeds of doubt and temptation, and we will divide on the +usual tests of faith." + +"But what about those that pass over without hearing the revelation?" + +"I get them on the mercy clause," said Gud. + +"That's too liberal," replied the Devil, "and you know it; they belong +to me by right of original sin. If you insist on taking them we will +call the whole deal off." + +"Let's compromise on transmigration and reincarnate them till they do +hear my revelation. It will mean quite a saving in the stock of new +souls, for we will have to buy them. I was never good at designing +home-made souls; I could never get them of even size, and the big ones +were always knocking the little ones about." + +"Very well," agreed the Devil, who was anxious to get going. "Order the +souls when you get ready." + +Just then the volcano conveniently erupted and dematerialized the king +in exile and the bricklayer on strike. + + + + +Chapter LXII + + + Once Gud sat all alone + High on his shining throne. + The Devil had been driven + Flaming out of heaven; + And this was eons after + Gud suddenly burst with laughter, + Remembering with a shout + A story the Devil told + Before they drove him out-- + (Though even then 'twas old) + + + + +Chapter LXIII + + +I. B. Devil paced restlessly about in his brand new Hell. Everything was +running in apple pie order, but not a soul in torment. That fact worried +him, for it had been nearly two generations since Gud had planted the +souls. He had done it well, had plunged the busy sphere into a day of +thick darkness. There had been a mad howling and babble among the +conceited rationals until the whole race of them had tumbled in their +tracks and fallen into a profound slumber. It was then that the souls +were planted. + +One of Gud's newly employed assistants had made the count of the +mortals, and the Devil had marvelled at his accuracy, for there were +only six souls left over. These Gud had laughingly handed to the Devil, +who had given them to six of his firemen--appreciative chaps they were, +and it hadn't spoiled them, this thing of having two souls. + +After the soul planting was finished, the Devil and Gud had parted +cordially enough. They had agreed it was best not to be seen together +after that. By the agreement Gud was first to visit the sphere alone and +give out his revelation, and the Devil was then to make one visit to sow +doubts and temptations. + +The Devil had glanced at Gud's revelation most casually; it seemed quite +ordinary--old stuff, and he had been rather careless in planting his +doubts and temptations. The competition had looked easy. But now two +generations had passed on the sphere and not a soul had arrived for +torment. + +The Devil was profoundly puzzled. He wondered if Gud had been unethical +and double-crossed him with a spurious revelation, getting out another +one later with utterly different beliefs and morals, so that the doubts +and temptations were thus all obsoleted. This possibility made the Devil +furious, for it was plausible enough--yet that Gud chap had seemed such +a fair and simple sort! + +Half a dozen times the Devil started to go up and see about it--yet, had +he not pledged his own incombustibility on his keeping away from the +sphere after the first visit? He had been a simple fool, and here he was +with a fully equipped hell on his hands and a big payroll to meet and +the best of his helpers deserting right and left, because they were +bored with idleness. As good a hell as ever burned brimstone and not a +soul to roast! + +Drearily enough, the Devil began his rounds again. He had to keep the +boys cheered up. How he wished that he had not been so democratic and +told them just when things had been started on the sphere. The best he +could do now, was to lie out of that and claim that this was just a +trial run. But he could see that many of his once loyal helpers had +utterly lost faith in his leadership. He had been proud of those +helpers, some of the brightest demons in the game. He had bid them off +good jobs in older hells by promises of greater freedom to try out their +own ideas. In that way he had obtained a superior set of tortures for +special sins. But now no souls--and half his demons deserted and the +cleverest of his torture machines rusting from lack of use. + +At last he could stand it no longer, and he went back to his private +chambers. Telling his valet that he was not to be disturbed, he locked +the door and took a sleeping potion gauged for a century. + + * * * * * + +Boom! Boom! Boom! + +I. B. Devil awoke and tried to stretch himself, but he was so stiff he +could hardly move. Cold, icy cold penetrated his very bones. He managed +at last to sit up on the edge of his couch, and then the chamber door +fell in before the battering ram of the last of his faithful followers. +Six shivering demons piled into the chamber--the six grateful firemen to +whom he had given the extra souls. + +"The last of the fires are out, Your Majesty, and all the others have +deserted." + +"But why," demanded the Devil, "did you not keep my private furnace +fired? We shall all freeze to death." + +"But, Your Majesty, there is no one to work the mines. Do you not +remember that you arranged for them to be worked by the souls of scabs +who were to be killed by strikers?" + +"Another blunder," sighed the Devil. "Well, there is a grate and in that +case yonder is my private stock of smoking brimstone. Light it, for I +must get thawed out so I can think." + +The two-souled firemen hastened to obey and the seven of them were soon +sitting around the spluttering blue flames and inhaling the delicious +vapors. + +The Devil got out a set of heavy, asbestos furs, smiling as he recalled +for whom he had ordered them. He had intended to keep her in his private +chamber to light his pipe and brew his tea--and he had chuckled many a +time at the thought of her in summer furs. + +He laid the furs on a chair and went to his desk and wrote busily for a +few minutes. + +"Now, boys," he said, "here are your passes for mortality, and remember +you have two souls." + +The firemen vanished and the Devil was alone in Hell. + +He drew on the furs and wrapped his own travelling cape about them. Then +he went into the outer chamber. Across the room the windows, into which +usually shone the cheery redness of roaring flames, were now frosted +with weird designs, and the fireproof platinum fittings on the great +door were hoary white. + +Slowly the Devil trudged across the chill chamber and, with a fur-clad +hand, grasped the frosted handle, swung open the great door, and stepped +out on the balcony. + +For a moment he was blinded by the dazzling, sparkling white. He +stumbled over some object and bent down to find the huddled form of a +demon frozen stiff as an ice idol. It was poor little Beezel, who had +come all the way from the hell of the three-ringed planet to try out his +new scheme of torture for trigamists. + +I. B. Devil stepped lightly over his frozen disciple and went to the +balcony rail. Shading his eyes until they became accustomed to the white +glare, he now looked far up and down the wide stretches of his domain, +puzzled, dumbfounded and subdued. The water mains that supplied the +steam baths had burst and flooded the place, and all hell was frozen +over! + + * * * * * + +I. B. Devil leaped from the balustrade and straight as an arrow shot +upward to Gud's Paradise. + +He paused for a moment only outside the portals to discard the furs he +wore, then he pushed open the great unguarded gate and stepped inside. + +It was a goodly heaven, vast and beautiful and shining in its new-made +emptiness. + +I. B. Devil did not pause for admiration, but went straightway to Gud's +private office and kicked open the door. There was no one there. Beside +the larger desk was a lesser one, and on this lay a powder puff and a +small mirror. The Devil stepped to the file cabinet, flung it open; and +with uncanny accuracy reached in, pulled out the carbon copy of the +order for souls, and read: + +"In accordance with your quotation, you may ship us at once three +billion mortal souls." + +"Poor old chap," mused the Devil, "I should never have trusted one." + +Then he stepped outside and mounted to the throne of Gud. There he found +a note pinned to the upholstery. It read: "We have gone to Hell." + +The Devil went back to the portal of Gud's heaven and picked up the +furs: "I guess," he said, "I had better take them down to her." + + * * * * * + +But Gud let her go to Hell alone, for in the course of their headlong +flight, he heard the faint sound of far off barking. Wheeling in the +ether Gud made straight for the campfire, where he had left Fidu +watching the beans. + +"Did the beans boil over?" asked Gud. + +"No, indeed," said Fidu, in his best dog language, "but you were gone so +long that I caught a nice wild boar so that there is pork in the beans." + +"Don't you know, Fidu," admonished Gud, "that I disapprove of eating +pork?" + +"But," said Fidu, "this was a vegetarian pig, for he was rooting for +peanuts when I caught him." + + + + +Chapter LXIV + + + There are figures in the shadow but the shadow hides the faces, + And their silence is a subject that must flagellate the flesh. + There are hands and arms that touch you with their lingering embraces + Like the petals of clipped flowers still miraculously fresh. + + There are voices through the darkness 'round which darkness swiftly + closes; + Remembered words and phrases that are only lost in death, + Heard within some misted twilight in a garden filled with roses + As though our own youth whispered with its awed and hollow breath. + + There is nothing in the shadow that will satisfy our quest, + For each shore that's undiscovered has been lined with molding wrecks, + And if we should burst on Beauty with her healing hands of rest + Life would bind us down in duty to some slavery of sex. + + There is something quite sardonic in the race's old ideals, + And the struggle for their gaining is derisive as a jest.... + He who prays unto his Godhead will be wiped out as he kneels, + While the wonders of decay will destroy all the rest. + + We are grinding in the shadow for the glory of the ages, + Though no hope of immortality has ever come to stay; + Yet each human soul is fretting at the bars of separate cages + Hearing rhythms of tomorrow in the discords of today. + + All the ones who started seeking when the game was strange and new, + See the beauty of believing lost in wonders of deceit + There is truth in every vision, but the day is hardly through, + Ere the night is all around us with her silence and defeat. + + There is dogma, there is duty in the urge of dead emotion + Through the worshipped gods of yesterday the present gods exist + Hid away among our temples for the dreams of our devotion + The alters of the ages in their ruins still persist. + + Let the mothers bear their children for the centuries to come + There is truth in adoration for the thing that is adored + And if all the many answers on the lips of life are dumb + At least the coming children may be murdered for the Lord. + + + + +Chapter LXV + + +After Gud had regaled himself on pork and beans he laid down under a +deadly nightshade tree and fell asleep. As he slept a worm happened +along and stepped on Gud, and Gud turned. + +"Pardon," said the worm, "but I did not notice you until you turned. You +see I was very preoccupied, for I have just returned from the Diet of +Worms, which was called by the Conqueror Worm to suppress a book. As +soon as I heard that a book had been suppressed I went in search of a +copy. I found one in the Master's chamber of a deserted mansion of the +newly cultured. I carefully chewed it up and removed the fragments to my +nest, where I pieced them together again." + +"What kind of book is it?" asked Gud. "I am rather fond of forbidden +books." + +"It is a book of etiquette," replied the worm, "and if you will promise +me not to mark it up or tear out any choice passages, I will lend you my +copy." + +So Gud sat down upon a gravel and the worm climbed a stalk of timothy +and handed Gud the book; but it was so badly patched up that he could +not read it. + +"Perhaps," suggested the worm, "I should read it to you. See, this is +the table of contents. It says: + +"'How to shake hands with gloves on. + +"'How to introduce people who already know each other. + +"'How to steal postage stamps without having a guilty conscience. + +"'How to dance without knowing how. + +"'How to pretend to understand relativity. + +"'What to wear if you don't like spats. + +"'How to tell a risque story in the presence of a minister. + +"'How to get rich without making your friends envious. + +"'How to catch large fish with little worms.' + +"Ah," cried the worm, "that is the very line that caused the Diet of +Worms to suppress the book, for that is an allusion to the bitter truth +that worms are put on hooks to catch fish. We worms, who know that in +the end we shall conquer man himself, do not like to be reminded that in +the meanwhile man may use us for fish bait." + +Gud smiled at the thought that the worms could only suppress the truth, +whereas he could change it. So he made it to be that men should no +longer put worms on hooks to catch fish, but should henceforth put fish +on hooks to catch worms. That is how came the great sport of worming; +and some of the worm tales men tell do not need to be suppressed, for +there is no truth in them. + + + + +Chapter LXVI + + +And now Gud came to a place where the ether was as thick as coal tar. It +was so dark that Fidu could not even imagine a moon, and Gud could not +see any reason for existence. + +Just as he had about decided that there would never be any more light, +Gud saw a wee small flicker shining in the inky void, as might an +invisible star if there never had been brighter stars to pale its flame. + +Hastening on Gud and Fidu came upon the source of light and found it to +be a man with a torch in his hand who was very much occupied in +searching for something. + +"Have you lost anything?" asked Gud. + +"No," replied the man, "but I am looking for something." + +"I shall be glad to assist you," offered Gud, "and my dog here is very +good in locating lost articles; so if you will kindly tell us what you +are looking for we will help you find it." + +"I am looking," replied the man, "for creation's dawn and the end of all +things. I also wish to find the unknowable first cause and the eternal +varieties and the limits of space. I am searching for the cause of hope, +the reason for despair, the explanation of love and the excuse for +crime. I am seeking a reason for all that is, and a cause for all that +ever was and an accurate prophesy of all that ever will be. I am also +hunting for the fundamental principles, the absolute truth, the laws of +nature, the theories of science, the hypotheses of metaphysics, the +interpretations of creeds, the aims of arts and the melodies of songs +that have never been sung. And I do wish so to locate all the unknown +stars, and trace all the lost comets, and determine what kept the +heavens in order before the law of gravitation was enacted. But most of +all I want to find out why my wife thinks I am a fool to be out here +looking for these things." + +"If you do not object to a little operation," said Gud, "I can find all +these things for you and show you where they all are." + +Then without waiting for the man to reply, Gud caused a deep sleep to +fall upon him, and straightway Gud opened up the man's skull and took +out his brains and laid them upon a platter. + +When the man awoke he looked upon his own brains and saw that they were +very much like calf's brains, except that they were more convoluted and +sutured. + +"And why is this platter set before me?" demanded the man as he stood +there gazing upon his own brains. + +"Because," replied Gud, "therein lies what you were looking for, and you +need search no further, for it is all there and much more besides." + +"So, so," said the man, "I see it all, and now I shall go home to my +wife and find if a child has been born unto her while I have been away." + +"Then," said Gud, "would you give me your torch, since you will not be +needing it longer?" + +The man did so; and after he had gone, Gud took the torch and set the +darkness on fire. + + + + +Chapter LXVII + + +Once more Gud walked along the Impossible Curve, which had now become +more impossible than ever. + +Gud was lonely, for he missed his faithful companion, the Underdog, whom +he had sold into slavery. His heart was filled with grief, and remorse +preyed upon his soul, and Gud resolved never again to be ungrateful and +never to be unkind, and to grant to all creatures their wishes and to +help them to realize their hearts' desires and make their dreams come +true. + +In his sorrow and loneliness Gud walked on until his feet were sore and +he was athirst. Then he came to a flowing fountain of pure water. He +paused and kneeled at the fountain. When he had quenched his thirst, he +removed his sandals and bathed his feet in the stream that flowed from +the fountain. + +Then Gud laid himself down by the fountain and fell asleep, and dreamed +that a beautiful bubble appeared on the surface of the fountain. + +The bubble which Gud saw in his dream was iridescent with a great +iridescence; for the colors of the bubble were many and they were ever +changing, so that it was never twice alike. + +In the iridescence of the bubble Gud saw the essence of transcendent +beauty, for its beauty was as the beauty of youth, and as the beauty of +faith, and as the beauty of love, and as the beauty of a woman, when she +is young and has faith and a longing for more love than she has found. + +As Gud looked upon the beauty of the bubble, he saw that it was no +longer a bubble, for it had become a woman of flesh and blood, and hope +and love and beauty. And he saw that she looked upon him with faith and +trust. This pleased Gud, so he spoke in his dream to the woman of his +dream and said: "Who art thou and what wouldst thou of me?" + +And the woman replied, "Oh, Gud, I am a searcher after mysteries that +have not been revealed and things which can not be understood. And I am +sore distressed because I have looked and have found them not." + +Gud asked, "Have you looked into the mind of man?" + +"I have looked into the mind of man," replied the woman, "and it is very +simple." + +Again Gud asked: "Have you looked into the heart of woman?" + +She replied to Gud and said: "Into the heart of woman have I also +looked, and though it is not so simple, yet do I understand it, for am I +not a woman?" + +"Of a truth you are a woman, and you are very beautiful." + +And she smiled upon Gud, and when she smiled, he vowed that he would +grant her all her wishes and the fulfillment of all her dreams. + +But first he would know who she was, and so he spoke to her again and +said: "Of a truth, and who art thou?" + +And she of the iridescent beauty, which is the beauty that is ever +changing, made answer to Gud: "Of a truth, great Gud, I am no other than +the reader of this book which two men are writing about you." + +"What's this?" asked Gud, for he was much amazed, albeit not displeased, +to hear that Hersey and I were writing this book about him. + +And the iridescent woman said again, "I am the reader of 'The Book of +Gud,' which Dan Spain and Harold Hersey are writing about you." + +"How do you know they are writing it?" + +"I know," said the woman, "because it is common gossip in the Village, +for every one there gossips about anything Hersey has a hand in." + +"Where is this village?" asked Gud, "and who is this Hersey creature?" + +"The Village," she replied, "where Hersey burns his wee small flame, is +South of Fourteenth Street and West of University Place, in the City of +New York, which is the Gateway to the Melting Pot of the Planet Earth in +the Solar System of the Universe." + +"Which universe?" asked Gud. + +"My universe," said the woman. + +"It must be a nice one, but what do you wish that I should do for you?" + +"What I wish," said she (who is none other than the reader of this book) +"is to find some great mystery in art or literature or in some psychic +science; and I wish that you would inspire these men to put something +into 'The Book of Gud' that no one can understand." + +"I will look into the matter," said Gud. And he did.... Then he looked +again into the iridescent eyes of the ever-changing woman and said to +her: "It is useless, for I have searched the soul of that fellow Spain +and he is not an inspired writer but only a disgruntled hack who could +not possibly write anything that you could not understand." + +Whereupon the woman was vexed with disappointment so that she began to +weep, and in the small compass of each tear she shed was the iridescence +of a tiny rainbow. As Gud saw her tears, that they were beautiful, his +heart overflowed with tenderness, and he said with a gentle voice: "I +will try again." + +And now Gud searched the soul of Hersey. His search was not without +reward and when he returned again to the beautiful woman she ceased to +weep, for in his hand she saw that Gud held a poem. Seating himself +beside her, he read her this poem that Hersey had written in the white +heat of inspiration: + + + + +Chapter LXVIII + + + She stood there carelessly arrayed + All in jewelled dress, + And leaning on the balustrade + She wept with bitterness, + For facing her there stood a maid + Of rival loveliness. + + Once she had been indifferent + To languishment or guile, + But when I argued with intent + To hold her by a smile, + Upon my eyes her own were bent + For quite a little while. + + The lady raised her fluttering hands. + "The night is cold," she said, + "For tropic men in northern lands, + For old maids still unwed, + And for the evil one who stands + In heaven when he's dead." + + She turned and gazed upon that face + As lovely as her own, + The poise of beauty and of grace + That matched her grace alone.... + And in that close and silent place + I heard the lady moan. + + I held the lady to my breast + And kissed her mouth and eyes. + She sighed and snuggled down to rest + Without the least surprise, + While I told tales of sweet unrest + That sounded very wise. + + "They say I'm mad," she whispered then, + "I weep for dear despair, + No matter where I go, dark men + Follow me everywhere...." + To quiet her I kissed again + Her locks of golden hair. + + "Great God!" she cried with finished grace, + "That woman whom I hate." + I looked and in a mirror's face + I saw the lady's mate. + Then quiet men of that strange place + Came down the halls of state. + + They took the lady tenderly + Away from sound and sight. + I answered not. It seemed to me + As though they must be right. + So I smashed the mirror utterly + And fled into the night. + + + + +Chapter LXIX + + +And when Gud had finished reading the woman asked: "Is that all?" + +And Gud looked at the poem in his hand and said sorrowfully, "That is +all." + +"But that is quite comprehensible," said the woman, "for it is merely +one of Hersey's usual plagiarisms--a twittering parody of Rossetti's +'THE BLESSED DAMOSEL', and it is so simple." + +"Do you understand it?" asked Gud. + +"Of course, it merely means that the love of man is insufficient to +satisfy the yearning of woman, and so she must look into the mirror of +her own soul in search of greater spiritual joys. But alas, she is +shadowed by her sex consciousness as reflected in her beauty of the +flesh, and she can not escape that haunting shadow which finally drives +her mad. Is that not simple?" + + To D. S.: I protest. This interpretation is entirely + erroneous.--H. H. + + To H. H.: Good God, I know it! but if you had seen what I first + wrote about it you would keep still.--D. S. + +"I should say," said Gud, "that it is beautiful simplicity." + +"That is just the trouble with all that these chaps are writing. They +are so keen on the obvious. You see, I can understand all that these men +have written, for it is all explainable by psychoanalysis. It is merely +the symbolism of a suppressed wish to be famous. And, oh Gud, how I do +crave true mystery!" + +"Then," said Gud, "you shall have it, for am I not Gud the Great?" + +"If you are, why do you not inspire these men who are writing this book +about you to put something into the book that no one can understand? +Indeed, if you cannot do that I shall be tempted to believe that you are +not Gud, but only a mere figment of fancy conceived in the brains of two +conceited young egotists who are seeking a cheap notoriety by shocking +decent people with blasphemous literature." + +"I fear you are right." + +"Oh," cried the woman, "then you admit that you are what I said?" + +"Not at all. I merely admit that he is what you said." + +"Really, Gud, you ought to have had some well-known writer do this book +about you--some one who had already been suppressed, or, better yet, a +Russian." + +"Who are the Russians?" asked Gud. + +"They are the supremists in dancing, the theorists in politics, the +idealists in economics and the realists in literature. But you are +romantic, aren't you, Gud?" + +"I think so. At least I feel so--did you always wear your hair that +way?" + +"Oh, no, indeed. You see, I used to wear it shorn like that of a boy, +for that fashion was once the insignia of the female intelligence. But +all the fat bankers' wives aped us, so now our only chance for +distinction is to ape our mothers, and I wear my mother's hair. See, I +will take it off and show it to you." + +"It is very lovely," said Gud, as he fingered her mother's hair. "I +think I should have loved your mother, and it is very sweet of you to +wear this hair in remembrance of her. Most women who have risen to your +intellectual heights forget their mothers." + +"It is very kind of you to say that, but distinction is in being +different, and so we ultra-intelligent women are again showing respect +for our mothers to distinguish us from the mob of the commonplace +intellectuals who came flopping into the pool of progress and muddied +the water.... It is a great race, dear Gud, this struggle to keep ahead +of the apings of the stupid." + +"Yes, yes, so I find it. Little up-start muddling gods have quite fogged +up the milky way with their nebulous creations--but pardon me if I +suggest that I would rather that you put your mother's hair back on." + +She had some difficulty in putting her mother's hair on straight; so Gud +reached over, and with a few deft touches, arranged it for her. Then, +plucking a button from his robe, he burnished it on his sleeve until it +shone silvery bright, and then he held it before her. She looked into +the mirroring silver and gave a little rapturous cry of joy, for the +hair of her mother, on which they had both wasted so much henna, had +been turned into a brilliant shade of fluorescent opalescence--a color +that no artist of the Latin Quarter had ever painted and that no artist +of the Village had ever imagined. + +"Oh, Gud," she cried, "now I know that I love you, for they will go mad +about it and I shall be the queen of the studios." + +"I would rather that you remain just a woman as you have so sweetly +shown yourself to be." + +"Never!" cried she who wanted something that no one could understand, +"never, never, will I be content to be just a woman! I must be, oh so +much more. I must have super-personality, and hyper-yearnings, and +ultra-strivings and transcendent seekings after ultimate +mysteries--really I don't think you understand me at all!" + +"Has any one ever understood you?" asked Gud. + +"No," she breathed in soft expectancy. + +"Only a little while ago you were searching for something that no one +could understand--have we not found it in yourself?" + +"Perhaps," she spoke dubiously. + +"And if you were in my book, would it not then contain something that no +one could understand?" + +"Do you mean it?" she faltered. + +"Yes, dear child, for whom all writers write, if it will bring me one +more smile from those ever-changing eyes of beauty--I will see that you +are in '_The Book of Gud_'--if I have to catch these blasphemous scribes +and pound their heads together!" + +"For that promise," said the iridescent lady, "I could love you forever +and a day. To think that we two should be in a book together! Just me +and Gud! + +"And now," she added, in a lower tone, "I'll confess to you why I want +to be in the book. You see, I am supposed to be a literary character and +one has to be in a book to be a literary character, you know." + +"Yes, yes, I know. I suppose it will make me one also. But now I must +hasten to seek out these mundane scribes, and see to it that they put +you in my book--for they have it about finished." + +"Which one of them do you propose to have write me into the book?" + +"Which one would you prefer?" + +"I hardly know," she said. "That fellow Spain is a woman hater, and I am +afraid he will say something unkind about me. But that Hersey poet +prostitutes his art to flatter women. He has an exaggerated idea of the +importance of the sex consciousness in an intellectual woman's life. +Really, it is a choice between two evils." + +"If that is the way you feel about it," said Gud, "perhaps I had better +write you into the book myself." + +"Could you really? Oh, Gud! I would die of joy to be written by you; not +even a movie actress ever had a celestial press agent!" + +"I'll try," said Gud, "that is, if you will tarry with me as I write." + +"Do you mean that I would inspire you?" + +"Exactly." + +"That is what they all say!" + +"Then it must be true." + +"But why do you not say something original, since you are Gud?" + +"Because I am talking to you." + +"You old brute!" + +"Perhaps so, but a straight line is the shortest distance between two +points." + +"Oh, I like that," cried she who had sought for mystery. "It sounds so +original, and I am sure that no one can understand it--what does it +mean?" + +"It means," said Gud, "that you and I have very much in common that +quite transcends the reach and grasp of men." + +"You flatter me." + +"But really, that is true." + +"Then quick, write it down before you lose the inspiration." + +"But I have nothing on which to write," said Gud. + +She blushed and turned away from him, and tore the whiteness from her +bosom, and turned again toward Gud and handed him the whiteness that had +covered up the secrets of her heart. + +Gud took the whiteness of her bosom and thereupon he began to write, +while she lay down upon the other side of the pool, and hid her bosom +away from Gud, lest, now with its whiteness gone, he might see the color +of her heart. + +And so Gud, who is made in the image of man, became as a man. And as he +wrote he forgot the woman, for when a pen is in the hand of man or god, +the light that lies in woman's eyes burns dim as some brief candle. + +And this indeed is the paradox of all who wield the treacherous weapon: +that man sets out to write, some woman's heart to flutter; and having +struck pen to paper, if there be anything in him that rises o'er the +damp swamp of woman's kisses, then of a truth the instrument that she +put into his hand becomes a knife to sever the cords with which she +sought to bind him. + +Such is the tragedy of her who flutters near while men make words on +paper, that in their youth they write for her; and their youth gone, +they still write on beyond the reaches of her soul. + +And so, as Gud wrote upon the whiteness torn from a woman's bosom, he +forgot quite utterly the woman herself, who lay by the pool trembling +and suffering and trying to hide her heart from Gud. + +And when she saw that he had forgotten her--even though he had told her +he wanted her near him and needed her for inspiration--she suffered so +that her heart died within her, and she shrank and withered and fell +into the pool of the fountain, and, as a brown leaf, floated on the +surface of the water. + + + + +Chapter LXX + + +When Gud had finished that which he was writing he arose and looked +about him. He seemed to be searching for something, but could not recall +what it was, and decided that it was of no importance. + +He drew on his sandals and made ready to go upon his way. But the way +was long and Gud recalled that he had been weary and had been athirst. +So he knelt by the fountain and stooped over it to drink. + +There was a brown leaf floating on the water, but he swished it away and +drank his fill from the flowing fountain. Then Gud arose and girded up +his loins and went on his way along the Impossible Curve. + + + + +Chapter LXXI + + + I met an old man walking through the sky, + A sort of startled twinkle in his eye. + "And who are you?" asked I. + "I am Gud," replied he, with a frown. + "Which one?" I asked, polite but terse, + But without answer he went shrieking down + The shadowy spaces of the universe. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Book of Gud, by Dan Spain and Harold Hersey + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BOOK OF GUD *** + +***** This file should be named 33501.txt or 33501.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/5/0/33501/ + +Produced by Louise Davies, Roger Taft, Mary Meehan and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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