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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 21 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 22, 2010 [EBook #33488] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page289" id="page289"></a>[pg 289]</span> +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 98, June 21st 1890</h2> + +<h3><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h3> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>"PLACE AUX DAMES!"</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +[Following the brilliant success of Miss <span class="sc">Fawcett</span> at Cambridge, Mlle. +<span class="sc">Belcesco</span>, a Roumanian lady, took her degree to-day as <i>Docteur en Droit</i>. +Like Miss <span class="sc">Fawcett</span>, she obtained the highest place at the examination for +the Licentiate's Degree, and her success was not less brilliant at the examination +for the Doctor's Degree.—<i>"Daily News" Paris Correspondent.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/289-800.png"><img src="images/289-370.png" width="370" height="467" alt="'SENIORA FAWCETT.'" /></a> +<h4>"SENIORA FAWCETT."</h4> + +<p><i>So to be entitled henceforth, as she is Seniorer to the Senior Wrangler.</i></p></div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>To Seniora <span class="sc">Fawcett</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">The Wranglers yield first place;</p> +<p>And now, first of the Law set,</p> +<p class="i2">One of another race,</p> +<p>Beauty, Brunette, Roumanian,</p> +<p class="i2">From man takes top Degree!</p> +<p>In learning's race Melanion</p> +<p class="i2">Is beaten, one can see,</p> +<p>By the new Atalanta;</p> +<p class="i2">At Law School or Sorbonne,</p> +<p>As at our native Granta,</p> +<p class="i2">The girls the prize have won.</p> +<p>Bravo, brunette <span class="sc">Belcesco</span>!</p> +<p class="i2">Some limner ought to draw</p> +<p>A quasi-classic fresco,</p> +<p class="i2">O Lady of the Law!</p> +<p>O Mathematic Maiden!</p> +<p class="i2">And show the pretty pair</p> +<p>With Learning's trophies laden</p> +<p class="i2">And manhood in a scare.</p> +<p>Ah, <i>Portia</i> of Paris!</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Urania</i> of the Cam!</p> +<p><i>Punch</i>, whose especial care is</p> +<p class="i2">To sever truth from sham,</p> +<p>Is no great Woman's-Rightist,</p> +<p class="i2">But <i>this</i> is not clap-trap;</p> +<p>Of pundits the politest,</p> +<p class="i2">To you he lifts his cap!</p> +<p><i>Docteur en Droit</i>, <i>Punch</i> watches</p> +<p class="i2">Miss <span class="sc">Fawcett</span> by the Cam;</p> +<p>To you she quick despatches</p> +<p class="i2">A friendly telegram.</p> +<p>He, friend of all the Nations,</p> +<p class="i2">Of Woman as of Man,</p> +<p>Adds <i>his</i> "felicitations."</p> +<p class="i2">Well done, Roumanian!!!</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>WEEK BY WEEK.</h3> + +<p>The prevalence of wet weather has had a painful effect on the +aspect of the metropolitan streets. We do not refer so much to their +having been universally inundated with rain, but rather to the absence +from them of those pretty dresses in which it is customary for ladies +to disport themselves during sunny weather. For instance, it was +calculated the other day by a well-known wrangler, that if the tangential +surface of a Bond Street pavement be represented by the +formula:</p> <p class="center2">x(π + y<sup>nth</sup>) = y + x - <sup>π</sup>⁄<span style="font-size: 0.8em;">x</span>,</p> +<p>the decrease in the number of pedestrians appearing on a wet day may be set down as +18426 <span style="font-size: 0.9em;"><sup>1</sup></span>⁄<span style="font-size: 0.8em;">52</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>A Correspondent calls our attention to the prevalence of green on +the various trees of the Metropolis. "This phenomenon," he +observes, "is noticeable in May and early June every year. Some +trees are greener than others, whilst others scarcely come up to the +standard of leafy verdure displayed by their fellows. Taking the +trees in the Park and arranging them in the inverse ratio of their +distances at rectangular intervals from the common centre of their +growth, it will be found that the surface area of a Plane-tree is +equal to exactly five hundred times the cubic capacity of a gooseberry +bush, measured from a point on its inner circumference."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Miss <span class="sc">Robinson</span>, Mrs. <span class="sc">Touche-Arming</span>, and Lady <span class="sc">Cordelia +Crossbit</span>, +were photographed yesterday. We hear that excellent likenesses +of these brilliant ornaments of the Upper Ten have been secured.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The wonderful tameness and docility of the three African lions +now going through their daily performance at the French Exhibition +at Earl's Court, have astonished no less than pleased all who have +witnessed them, but it is not generally known, that their obedient +condition is due to their diet. This has for some time consisted of +a well-known infant's and invalid's food, washed down with copious +draughts of a widely advertised patent medicine that claims to act +as "a special brain and nerve tonic," and it is this last that it is +said is responsible for the quenching of the natural ferocity and +utter prostration of spirit which enables their talented trainer, +together with the watchful attentions of a highly intelligent boar-hound, +to put them through a series of playful and innocent tricks, +hitherto associated rather with the entertaining efforts of the skilled +and educated guinea-pig than with the masterly ferocity of the +monarch of the desert. [Oh yes! We're not going to allow an +advertisement to be sneaked in like this. But as we required a paragraph +to fill up space, here it is, with name and address of Infant's +Food provider omitted! Aha!—<span class="sc">Ed.</span>]</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>A WHITE SLAVE.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +[Miss <span class="sc">Harker</span> took service as a day governess in a family at Stockton, at +a salary of 25<i>s.</i> a month, coupled with the privilege of dining in the house. +She found herself under the necessity of taking a lodging, the rent for which +more than absorbed her modest stipend. She taught three children English +and music. Afterwards a couple of infants were placed in her charge. Nor +was this all, for when the servants left, the new governess had "to cook the +dinner, wash the dishes, and clean the knives." After this she asked for a +holiday, the result being that "she was shown the door." Thereupon she +brought an action in the County Court for a month's salary in lieu of notice. +Judgment for plantiff with costs, payable forthwith.</p> +<p class="author">—<i>Daily News, June 12.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Poor Miss <span class="sc">Harker</span> went to Stockton, to Stockton on the Tees,</p> +<p>But not to make her fortune, or to loll at home at ease;</p> +<p>She went to be a governess, and hoped, it would appear,</p> +<p>To board and lodge and dress herself on £15 a-year.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A lady once informed us how a lady can be dressed</p> +<p>As a lady all for £15, and in her very best;</p> +<p>But she never would have ventured to include in her account</p> +<p>The lodgings and the breakfasts too for this immense amount.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Now life may be a river, as Pactolus was of old,</p> +<p>Which brings you lots of water to a minimum of gold,</p> +<p>But sometimes it were better, when the water sinks so low</p> +<p>That it fails to turn your mill-wheel, if the river ceased to flow.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>So all day long with urchins three Miss <span class="sc">Harker</span> toiled in chains,</p> +<p>And she poured the oil of learning well upon their rusty brains,</p> +<p>And she practised them in music, and she polished up their sense</p> +<p>With the adverbs and the adjectives, and verbs in mood and tense.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And they said, "She's doing nicely, we will give her something more</p> +<p>(Not of money, but of labour) ere we show her to the door,</p> +<p>Why, we've got two baby children, it is really only fair</p> +<p>That Miss <span class="sc">Harker</span> should look after them, and wash and dress the pair.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"And, Miss <span class="sc">Harker</span>, it will save us such a lot of trouble too,</p> +<p>If, when our servants leave us, they can leave their work to you.</p> +<p>So you'll please to cook our dinner, let your motto be <i>Ich Dien</i>,</p> +<p>(No, no, you needn't thank us) and you'll keep our dishes clean.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"And, of course, you'll do it daily—what was that you dared to say?</p> +<p>You would like to rest a week or so, and want a holiday?</p> +<p>Who ever heard such nonsense? Well, there's one thing we can show,</p> +<p>Not politeness, but the door to you—Miss H. you'd better go."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>So she went, but brought her action, and I'm thankful to relate</p> +<p>That when the case was argued she hadn't long to wait.</p> +<p>"Costs and judgment for the plaintiff, the defendants' case is fudge,</p> +<p>Pay her monthly wage, she's earned it and deserves it," said the Judge.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>There be Englishmen in England, sleek men, and women too,</p> +<p>Who tie their purse-strings tighter than tradition's grasping Jew.</p> +<p>What care they for fellow-feeling, who for profit try to lure</p> +<p>Fellow creatures to their grindstone for the faces of the poor?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And they set some wretched slave to work her fingers to the bone,</p> +<p>Then sullenly deny her bread, or give at best a stone;</p> +<p>And after she has grubbed and scrubbed, they insolently sneer</p> +<p>At one who dares to ask for rest on £15 a-year.</p> + </div> </div> + + <hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span> + +<h4>"IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH, ASK A P'LICEMAN!"</h4> +<p class="center"><i>As Sung by the Not-quite-at-Home Secretary in his Unpopular Entertainment.</i></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/290-1200.png"><img src="images/290-375.png" width="375" height="479" alt="'IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH, ASK A P'LICEMAN!'" /></a> + +<p class="center"><span style="float: left;"><span class="sc">Why <i>did</i> Monro resign?<br /> + Was it any fault of Mine?</span></span> + +<span style="float: right;"><span class="sc">If you want to know the Truth—<br /> + Ask the P'liceman!</span></span></p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" id="page291"></a>[pg 291]</span> + +<h2>"ASK A P'LICEMAN!"</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">Mr. M-tth-ws</span> <i>sings</i>:—</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Police Force are a noble lot,</p> +<p class="i2">They clear our streets and squares;</p> +<p>To Demonstrators give it hot,</p> +<p class="i2">And banish civic scares.</p> +<p>But there's one thing I wish to know;</p> +<p class="i2">Why do the public grin</p> +<p>When one Commissioner will go,</p> +<p class="i2">And t'other won't stop in?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chorus.</i></p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Why <i>did</i> <span class="sc">Monro</span> resign?</p> +<p class="i10">Ask a P'liceman!</p> +<p>Was it any fault of mine?</p> +<p class="i10">Ask a P'liceman!</p> +<p>Every member of the Force</p> +<p>Backs the popular Boss—of course!</p> +<p>If you want to know the truth,</p> +<p class="i10">Ask a P'liceman!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I'm very sure I'm always right,</p> +<p class="i2">And yet it's vastly queer,</p> +<p>My Secretary's aid they slight,</p> +<p class="i2">My Pension-projects jeer.</p> +<p>My Superannuation plan</p> +<p class="i2">Won't wash—at Scotland Yard.</p> +<p>They seem against me to a man.</p> +<p class="i2">It's really very hard.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chorus.</i></p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If you'd know why <span class="sc">Warren</span> went,</p> +<p class="i10"> Ask a P'liceman!</p> +<p>Or why <span class="sc">Monro's</span> not content,</p> +<p class="i10"> Ask a P'liceman!</p> +<p>Isn't it enough to vex</p> +<p>The most genial of Home-Secs.?</p> +<p>If you want an answer—plump,</p> +<p class="i10"> Ask a P'liceman!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I'm getting quite unpopular;</p> +<p class="i2">I can't imagine why.</p> +<p>If in the Force itself there's war,</p> +<p class="i2">'Gainst <i>me</i> there'll be a cry.</p> +<p>Fancy our Constables on strike</p> +<p class="i2">For Eight Hours, and the rest!</p> +<p>The prospect's one I do not like.</p> +<p>P'licemen, <i>don't</i> be a pest!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chorus (in which</i> Mr. <span class="sc">M-t-th-ws</span></p> +<p><i>does not join</i>.)</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If you want to know the facts,</p> +<p class="i10">Ask a P'liceman!</p> +<p>About <span class="sc">M-tth-ws</span> and his acts,</p> +<p class="i10">Ask a P'liceman!</p> +<p>If you wish the truth to know</p> +<p>About popular <span class="sc">Monro</span>,</p> +<p>And who <i>next</i> ought to resign,</p> +<p class="i10">Ask a P'liceman!!!</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/291-800.png"><img src="images/291-385.png" width="385" height="470" alt="A NASTY ONE." /></a> +<h4>A NASTY ONE.</h4> + +<p><i>Miss Smith (to Brown, who has just been relating an amusing personal +experience).</i> "<span class="sc">How good! And did it really happen to you?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, <i>really</i>—only yesterday!</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Jones (his hated rival).</i> "<span class="sc">Ah! But I can tell you a still older +Story than that, about a Fellow who——</span>" [<i>Tells a regular Joe +Miller.</i></p></div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">Social.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>You'll come again soon?</i>"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "Thank goodness, he's going abroad!"</p> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Always make time to see you</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "Strict orders to servants, 'Not at home.'"</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Theatrical.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Miss Blank will make her first appearance in Juliet at a</i> <ins title="original reads Matineé"><i>Matinée</i></ins>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, That some theatrical coach sees his way to making a little additional +profit out of a wealthy and ambitious pupil.</p> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Why don't you look in?—house crammed every night, but always room for you</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, Last attempt to place a free admission when the theatre is empty, and the vouchers +have been refused at the poster-displaying tobacconists.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>BACK TO BACKS.</h3> + +<p>The Cambridge Week, delightful. Beautiful weather till I left, +and after me—the deluge! Fair faces everywhere, and O those +beautiful "Backs"! As the poet sang—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Ye Backs and Braes!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Why lug in "Braes"? Fronts may be, and have been, false, but +never these "Backs." They never looked lovelier than at the +commencement of last week,—fine weather, warm, a gentle breeze. +Lucky Cantabs, to have such an idyllic idling place, where you can +moon, spoon, stroll, study, work or play, and, if in your boat, smoke, +for the pernicious weed is forbidden in the well-kept gardens, though +it may be indulged in on the water, beneath whose surface another +pernicious weed can be seen luxuriating.</p> + +<p>Once more I visit the A. D. C., and witness a capital performance +of a burlesque, <i>Der Freischütz</i>, founded on one of <span class="sc">H. J. Byron's</span>, +and written up to date by a precious <span class="sc">Stone</span>. Burlesque is not dead! +Very far from it. The "Sacred Lamp" is not even flickering, but +burning with undiminished brilliancy. For a time learned Thebans +essayed to extinguish it with High Comedy and even Shakspearian +Drama. But the A. D. C. was meant for recreation, and no Undergraduate +saw any amusement in either performing or witnessing +High Comedy or an historical Drama by <span class="sc">William Shakspeare</span>. +Relaxation for the pale student was needed, so dancing and singing, +and jokes, topical hits, and comic business, drew big houses, +and amused both players and audiences. The classical Puritanical +rebellion was over, and the Merry Monarch, King Burlesque, was +restored to his throne, merrier than ever. A crowded house, and I +am informed crowdeder and crowdeder every night.</p> + +<p>The burlesque is a good one, as the story of <i>Der Freischütz</i> is +closely parodied, and it is not a mere variety show. And the actors +are as much in earnest as the other actors were in earnest, terrible +earnest, just thirty-five years ago, for the date over the proscenium +reminds me that the A. D. C. was founded in 1855. There are some +old original members down here, and they regard some old original +photographs of themselves when they were all boys together in this +A. D. C. The photographs are of beardless youths, all very much in +earnest. The middle-aged, grey-bearded men are contemplating +their former selves with an air of surprise. "Dear me! and those +were us!" they exclaim, in Academical English. They see themselves +as others saw them then, and they are secretly disappointed, +though they soon recover their serenity, and with pride +to think their lineaments have been preserved and handed down +from generation to generation, they bring up their wives and +daughters to look at the pictures, and to listen to their "tales of a +grandfather."</p> + +<p>Alas! the photographs are fading, and soon, but for the extant +history of the A. D. C., dedicated to its Honorary President, H.R.H., +the Prince of <span class="sc">Wales</span>, its origin would be lost in the obscurity of +the dark ages (before they were the grey ages), or be so confused +and intermingled with myth as to render any account of its early +days untrustworthy.</p> + +<p>And what a crowd, driving, walking, riding, to see the boat-races! +Quite a little Water Derby Day. So much talk about "bumps," that +a stranger would think he had come to hear an open-air lecture on +phrenology.</p> + +<p>One more lounge in the "Backs," and then to London and work, +while happy Undergrads commence their Long Vacation, and make +holiday in the sunshine of life. But roam where you will, never +will you find any spot to equal these Backs. <i>O Fortunati Cantabiles!</i> +<i>Backs vobiscum!</i></p> + +<p>As a barrister I love a refresher, and this flying visit has, indeed, +been a refresher to one who drinks to Trin. Coll. Cam. and the +A. D. C. in a bumper of '75 Margaux, and is able, after that, to +sign himself, academically and Lincolnsinnically, the</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Marquis de Termes.</span></p> + +<p>PS.—Wouldn't this Claretian name of "Marquis <span class="sc">de Termes</span>" be +a good title for the Markiss of <span class="sc">Salisbury</span>, that "master of flouts and +gibes"?</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 9.</i>—Last time I saw <span class="sc">Old +Morality</span> was in the lovely estuary of the Dart. He had just cut +away from Parliament, called together his seamen bold, and steamed +out Westward in the <i>Pandora</i>. When we on the <i>Hiawatha</i> woke +up on Sunday morning, there was the <i>Pandora</i> lying alongside, with +<span class="sc">Old Morality</span> in pea-jacket, straw hat, telescope under his arm, +and sea-boots above his knees, though there was not a ripple on face +of water that mirrored the old castle at the point, the church, the +trees, and the green hills. Nevertheless, there he was, pacing the +mizzen-deck, every now and then bringing his telescope to his +weather eye, on the look out for Irish Members or <span class="sc">Sage of Queen +Anne's Gate</span> lurking in underwood. We ran up at our foretopmost +peak, all taut by a couple of bowlines, the signal, "England expects +that <span class="sc">W. H. Smith</span> this day will do his duty." There was a soft +gleam in <span class="sc">Old Morality's</span> starboard eye when he recognised the +signal, and he brought the telescope to the salute.</p> + +<p>"Very kind of you, <span class="sc">Toby</span>; very thoughtful of your Commodore. +You know, nothing is nearer to my heart than the desire to do my +duty—duty to my <span class="sc">Queen</span> and Country; at the same time, of course +as far as is compatible with the supreme incentive, desiring to meet +the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in all parts of the House."</p> + +<p>Haven't seen <span class="sc">Old Morality</span> since, till he turned up to-night, +Been seedy, everybody sorry to hear; judiciously added a week to +his regular holiday. When he entered House this afternoon, good +rattling cheer went up, testifying to his popularity.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said <span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span>, dropping into poetry—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Ex-First-Lord from over the sea!</p> +<p>Celt, Home-Ruler, whatever we be,</p> +<p>"We all like <span class="sc">Old Morali-tee</span>."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Irish Land Purchase Bill first Order of day, but <span class="sc">John Dillon</span> moves +Adjournment, to discuss goings on of Police in Tipperary. <span class="sc">Prince +Arthur</span>, amidst constant +interruptions, makes angry +reply. His speech introduces +variation on old Constitutional +principle.</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:200px;"><a href="images/292-600.png"><img src="images/292-200.png" width="200" height="302" alt="The Chairman of P. and O. after Remark" /></a> + <p class="center">The Chairman of P. and O. after Remark +from Mr. O'Brien.</p></div> + +<p>"The Police," he says in +effect, "can do no wrong—at +least, in Ireland."</p> + +<p>Mr. G. joins in demands +for Parliamentary inquiry. +<span class="sc">William O'Brien</span>, almost +hoarse with rage, fulminates +against <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> +and all his works. +But though apparently +seethed in passion, does not +lose presence of mind.</p> + +<p>"I know," he shouted, +"every Dissentient Liberal +in this House," (here his +copy of the Orders, which +he had fashioned in rough +shape resembling police +baton, and flourished in +dangerous fashion, came +down with enormous thud +on crown of hat of <span class="sc">Tom +Sutherland</span>, who happened +to be sitting just beneath +him) "—and that's +one," <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> continued.</p> + +<p>"Surely," I said to him +afterwards, "you didn't mean to call attention to the Chairman of +the P. and O. in that fashion?"</p> + +<p>"Not a bit of it. I was going to say, 'I know every Dissentient +Liberal in this House will support the Government in the Division +Lobby;' but when in the middle of the sentence I found I'd come +down on <span class="sc">Sutherland's</span> hat, I thought it would make less fuss if I +turned the remark in the way I left it."</p> + +<p>Ingenious this; but <span class="sc">Sutherland</span> says, he understands now why +many of the Irish Members are accustomed to wear low-crowned +hats during Parliamentary Debate. Comes a little expensive to sit +about listening with a silk hat on.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Land Purchase Bill in Committee.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—<span class="sc">Grandolph's</span> seat empty. Not been here since House +resumed after Whitsun holidays. Looked for to-night. Has first +place on Orders with Instruction on going into Committee on Compensation +Bill. <span class="sc">Speaker</span> been going about with a besom brushing +away Instructions. Only <span class="sc">Grandolph's</span> stands, a monument to his +adroitness and ingenuity. Opposition looking forward to pleasant +evening. If <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> makes rattling speech in support of his +Instruction, it will make things disagreeable for the Ministry. +Moment comes, but <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> lingers. Cousin <span class="sc">Curzon</span> gets up, +announces that <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> has heard that Government intend to +oppose the Instruction. That being so, he does not think it expedient, +in interests of public business, to persevere with it. So will +stay in Paris, look through the Luxembourg, loiter in the Louvre, +lunch in the Eiffel Tower, and otherwise innocently wile the hours +away.</p> + +<p>"No," said Cousin <span class="sc">Curzon</span>, when I observed that this was not like +the <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> of old times; "he is much altered; as meek as he +was once aggressive. Shudders at the thought of causing a moment's +inconvenience to a Government of which <span class="sc">Georgie Hamilton</span> is an +ornament; quite surprised to learn that Government would oppose +Amendment, the carrying of which would be equivalent to defeat of +their measure. When he heard of it at once decided to drop his +Instruction."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Compensation Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—House sitting; Members talking; Bills advanced +by stages; but thoughts of Members concentrated on secret <span class="sc">Old +Morality</span> carries in his placid bosom. What proposals are Government +going to make for arrangement of public business? Are they +going to drop three Bills, or two, or one, or carry all three? If so, +how is it to be done? by Autumn Session? by peremptory Closure? +or by new device of carrying over measures into succeeding +Session? Over a cup of five-o'clock, taken in his private room, I +frankly put these questions to <span class="sc">Old Morality</span>. No use beating about +the bush when you are with old friends.</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Toby</span>," he says, as I light another cigarette, and settle myself +to hear the disclosure, "recent morphological inquiry has a curious +bearing on this point. Biologists have lately been busy discussing +the meaning of a certain organ, to which, in the present stage of its +development, it appears impossible to assign any utilitarian value. +The case I allude to is the electric organ in the tail of the skate, +on which Professor <span class="sc">Cossar Ewart</span> read a paper before the Royal +Society. You will find a full report of it in <i>Phil. Trans.</i>, Vol. +LXXIX. Other aquatic animals which possess such organs use +them to advantage as electric batteries against their foes. They +feel impelled to do so, by what I may perhaps distantly allude to as +a sense of duty to their <span class="sc">Queen</span> and Country. But the electric organ +of the skate, though a most complicated mechanism, a structure as +elaborate as any in the animal kingdom, appears to be of no benefit +whatever to its possessor. This is a very curious thing. I can hardly +sleep of nights thinking about it. Can you suggest any explanation? +Excuse me, there's the division-bell. Perhaps you'll draw +me up a little memorandum giving me your views on the subject."</p> + +<p>Very curious indeed. I hadn't mentioned the skate; don't quite +see how he slided into the subject. Shall take another opportunity +of ascertaining <span class="sc">Old Morality's</span> views and intentions with respect +to Government plan for arranging business.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—As to electric organ in the tail of the skate.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—A pretty kettle-of-fish. Electric organ of skate seems +to have touched up Government; confusion at Carlton to-day. The +<span class="sc">Markiss</span> met his merry men; proposed that Bills not completed by +Prorogation should be carried over to next Session and taken up +at stage reached this year. Loud outcry in Conservative ranks; +proposal denounced as revolutionary; wouldn't have it on any +terms; meeting broke up without passing any resolution; <span class="sc">Old +Morality</span> due at House at half-past three to give notice of Resolutions +on Procedure.</p> + +<p>"Where are they?" Mr. G. asks, beaming across the table.</p> + +<p>"Resolutions?" says <span class="sc">Old Morality</span>; "bless you, Sir, I have +none to move."</p> + +<p>Grim silence on Ministerial Benches. Jubilation in Opposition +camp. <span class="sc">Old Morality</span> plied with questions from all sides; forlornly +shakes his head. Can't say anything now. Can't say when he will +be able to say something. Perhaps on Monday; perhaps some +other day. Baited for half an hour, and then mercifully allowed +to escape.</p> + +<p>"The tail seems, after all, to have been wagging the skate," I +said, humorously; really sorry to find him so low-spirited. Didn't +seem to see the point of joke, and usually so apt at badinage. A +curious state of affairs; perhaps a memorable day.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Compensation Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—"Lo! a strange thing has happened." (<span class="sc">W. Black.</span>) +Yesterday Conservatives in open revolt; Ministry seemed tottering; +Opposition jubilant. To-day things righted themselves; the rebels +say it was only their fun; Dissentient Liberals throw arms round +neck of <span class="sc">Markiss</span>; protest they would never desert him; Opposition +depressed; Ministers elate.</p> + +<p>"The head seems to have got the better of the complicated +mechanism in the rear of the skate," I say to <span class="sc">Old Morality</span>, a +little timidly, remembering failure of yesterday's flash of humour. +Quick comes the beaming smile. "You're a funny dog, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," +says <span class="sc">Old Morality</span>, looking ten years younger than yesterday.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Compensation Bill.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> + +<h3>AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S.</h3> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:300px;"><a href="images/293-800.png"><img src="images/293-300.png" width="300" height="259" alt="Harlequinade." /></a> +<p class="center">Harlequinade.</p></div> + +<p><i>Paris Fin de Siècle</i>, Mr. <span class="sc">Mayer's</span> second transplantation from the +Gymnase to Her Majesty's Theatre, is amusing from first to last—that +is to say, from 8·15 to close on midnight. The Comedy rattles<!-- middot? --> +along, and carries the audience who understand French—who in +their turn carry the audience who pretend to do so, but who don't—with +it. The acting is excellent; and the dialogue is as bright as the +looks and toilettes of the dozen or more ladies who have parts. It is +not quite clear what "<i>fin de siècle</i>" means. If it is Paris of +to-day that is pictured, it +certainly cannot be the Paris of five years hence, and the century +has yet ten years to run. But whatever is the purpose of the play, it +satisfied the audience which, on the first night, included H.R.H. and +the <span class="sc">Princess of Wales</span>, together with "all London."</p> + +<p>The plot is simple. <i>Alfred de Mirandol</i> (M. <span class="sc">Noblet</span>), of the +<i>tout +Paris</i> set, is engaged to the daughter of the <i>Marquis de +Boissy-Godet</i>—so +he tells everyone who chances to be breakfasting at +<span class="sc">Bignon's</span>, where the first scene is laid—and, without anything +particular happening to either of them during the next three Acts, +he remains engaged to the young lady when the curtain falls. Then +he has a <i>non fin de siècle</i> friend, fresh from Brittany, who proposes +to a charming widow, charmingly looked and played by Madame +<span class="sc">Sisos</span>, who accepts him, and lands him in a duel with a Spanish +Duke (cleverly played by M. <span class="sc">Paul Plan</span>) about her Milliner's bill. +No one is hurt, but the incident—the only incident to speak of—furnishes +a scene in which the four <i>fin de siècle</i> seconds are continually +forgetting the business on which they are met, and drift into baccarat. +Then Madame <span class="sc">Desclauzas</span> is a Marquise who is so busy with her +various charitable institutions that she has not seen her husband for +a week, and forgets all about her daughter's marriage.</p> + +<p>To London 1890 the Marquise, though unquestionably inimitable, +seems slightly loud. English Marchionesses do not as a rule wink. +But <i>Paris Fin de Siècle</i> is altogether beyond London 1890. English +people do not know enough of the formalities attending the arrangement +of duels to fully appreciate M. <span class="sc">Noblet's</span> forgetfulness of his +duties; nor do English ladies, as yet, give Harlequin Balls, at which +the gentlemen wear red evening coats,—it was not a hunt-ball of +course; nor does London 1890 see any particular point in the <i>monde</i> +being shown as frivolous and dissipated, while the <i>demi-monde</i> will +not permit smoking in the drawing-room, and generally plays propriety. +So <i>Paris Fin de Siècle</i> may be true to nature, for all English +people know about it. Whether it is or is not, it is just as amusing, +and well worth seeing.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">James the First</span>, of America, not to be confounded even by his +enemies with the Old or Young Pretender, is bringing out his book +entitled, <i>The Gentle Art of Making Enemies</i>, which line represents only a third of the entire +title.The celebrated Butterfly signature +flitters and flutters from leaf to leaf throughout the book, which in +itself, in its binding, print, and arrangement, is a work of Art of +which the publishers, Messrs. <span class="sc">Heinemann</span>, may be justly proud, and +which must rejoice the soul of <span class="sc">James Primus Americanus</span>, Ex-President, +R.S.B.A.</p> <div class="figright" style="width:50px; margin-top: -2em;"><a href="images/293a-150.png"><img +src="images/293a-50.png" width="50" height="60" alt="Papilio Whistleriensis" /></a></div> +<p style="margin-top: -1.1em;"> The <span class="sc">Baron</span> has great pleasure in drawing +attention—(he is gifted is the <span class="sc">Baron</span>, "drawing" as well as +writing, you'll observe)—to a rare specimen of the <i>Papilio +Whistleriensis</i> which adorns this paragraph, and hopes, +on another occasion, to have a few remarks to offer on the +many genuine Jacobean epistles contained in this dainty +volume which is issued, as the short preface informs us, +under the Ex-P.R.B.A.'s "immediate care and supervision," and as a +counterblast from <span class="sc">Le Siffleur</span> against "a spurious and garbled version" +of his writings already put into circulation. It was about time +for <span class="sc">Jacques Le Siffleur</span> to come out for a blow; which blow it is more +blessed to give than to receive, <i>dicit</i> the <span class="sc">Baron de Book-Worms</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h3> + +<p><i>Monday.</i>—<i>Les Huguenots.</i> Madame <span class="sc">Nordica</span> as our +<i>Valentine</i>. She +is <i>toujours riante</i>. Otherwise, vocally, charming. <span class="sc">Ravelli</span> the +Reliable +as <i>Raoul</i>, much applauded and quite two inches higher in popular +estimation. <i>Valentina</i> <span class="sc">Nordica</span> cannot take anything seriously. +She smiles as she is wont to smile at the supreme moment of his great +athletic window-jump, when he is shot out of window and killed so +thoroughly that he cannot be produced for the last Act of all, which, +therefore, is now never given. Simple-minded folk, not up to this, +wait in their stalls, and wonder why everybody else is going. Members +of orchestra disappear, lights extinguished, brown-holland coverings +descend, the fireman enters, the box-keepers retire, and suddenly it +bursts upon the inexperienced Opera-goer that it's all over, except +shouting for carriages, and that's over too by now, and that there is +to be no more Opera to-night.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>L'entr'acte est long,</p> +<p class="i2">Un peu d'espoir,</p> +<p>There's no more song,</p> +<p class="i2">Et puis bon soir.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>M. <span class="sc">Lassalle</span> as the French nobleman, whom some one described as +"<i>Sam Bris</i>," excellent. Good house for the <i>Huguenots</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Here we are <i>Lohengrinning</i> again. <i>Lohengrin</i> not +a comic opera: the name being rather misleading. Melodious, +mellifluous Mlle. <span class="sc">Melba</span> as <i>Elsa de Brabante</i>. <span class="sc">Ned de +Reszké</span> +as the <i>Great King</i>, <span class="sc">Fursch-Madi-gras</span> unrivalled as +<i>Ortruda</i>, +<span class="sc">Dan Drady</span> as <i>Freddy</i>, one of his most dramatic performances; +Signor <span class="sc">Abramoff</span> as the <i>Family Herald</i>—quite a volume—and +<span class="sc">Jack de Reszké</span> as a <i>Knight on the Swannee River</i>, or perhaps +a knightly visitor from Swansea. Poor <span class="sc">Jack</span> suffering from hoarseness. +<span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> comes forward to explain this. Audience +imagines that <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> himself is going to take poor <span class="sc">Jack's</span> +place. +Rather disappointed in consequence. "Could have done it, of +course," says <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> afterwards, "but bad example for other +members of the governing committee." <span class="sc">Jack de R.'s</span> hoarseness +scarcely noticeable. No one would have known it if <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> +hadn't told us. Some people can't keep a secret.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<i>Vide</i> last Wednesday's report. Only difference being +that Signor <span class="sc">Plunketto Greeno</span> is not <i>in statu quo ante</i>, the part +of +the <i>Commendatore, M.P. for Stony Stratford</i>, being taken by +Signor <span class="sc">De Vaschetti</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Missed it. <i>Romeo et Juliette.</i> Believe it was performed, +not having heard anything to contrary. Reported that Mr. +and Mrs. G. were present. Remember he was there last season, +when same Opera was played. Came up then, I think, from Dollis +Hill. "All roads lead to Romeo," the G.O.M. is reported to have +said to <span class="sc">Floral Hall</span>, the Covent Gardenia Box Office Manager and +enthusiastic devotee of the G.O.M., or "Grand Opera Man."</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—<i>La Favorite</i> in French. Evidently neither particular +nor universal Favourite, as so many <i>habitués</i>, conspicuous when +here by their noble presence, are now still more conspicuous by their +noble absence. Mlle. <span class="sc">Richard</span>, her first visit to Royal Franco-Italian +Opera at Covent Garden, is the Favourite to-night, and the +Favourite wins. Opportunity for Mlle. <span class="sc">Bauermeister</span>, who has +one of the prettiest airs in the Opera to start with, but then "is +heard no more," having only to exhibit, in sympathetic dramatic +action, her deep distress at the sufferings of the unhappy Favourite, +the victim of <i>Alfonse</i>, King of Castille. <i>King Alfonse</i> gives a +garden-party, with "gipsy revellers" of the period, led by small +and early <span class="sc">Palladino</span>. Refreshments are probably served in an +adjoining apartment, but <i>King Alfonse</i>, being, perhaps, a trifle +dry, occupies his time in the chair of state by trifling with a lozenge. +Great difficulty among audience as to whether <i>Fernand</i> is +<span class="sc">Montariol</span> +or <span class="sc">Ybos</span>. Having seen <span class="sc">Montariol</span> as <i>David</i> in the +<i>Meistersingers</i>, +I do not recognise him as Fernand; but having seen <span class="sc">Ybos</span> as +<i>Raoul</i>, +in the <i>Huguenots</i>, <span class="sc">Fernand's</span> legs seem familiar to me. If the +voice is the voice of <span class="sc">Montariol</span>, the legs are the legs of <span class="sc">Ybos. +Druriolanus Iboss</span> says it is <i>not</i> <span class="sc">Ybos</span> but +<span class="sc">Montariol</span>; while a +distinguished Operatic Committeeman tells a despairing critic that it +<i>is</i> <span class="sc">Ybos</span>, and not <span class="sc">Montariol</span>. Anyhow, Mons. +<span class="sc">Ybos-aux-jambes-montarioliennes</span> +is a good, though not great, <i>Fernand</i>. The chorus +whether as Monks of one of the great Theatrical Orders, +not-admitted-after-seven, +or as members of the Castilian Aristocracy, are admirable. +Signor <span class="sc">Gaspar</span>—a name that suggests a singer rather out +of condition, and, like <i>Hamlet</i>, "scant of breath" (he should +be appropriately attired in "pants")—keeps his eye on Signor +<span class="sc">Bevignani</span>, and Signor <span class="sc">Bevignani</span> pulls him through. <i>Mem.</i> +What an education in modern languages it must require to be a +chorister of the R. I. O. C. G.! Italian, French, English, of course; +and perhaps one night they'll come out with something of <span class="sc">Wagner's</span> +in the original German. Everybody looking forward to the revival +of <i>Le Prophète</i> on Monday next.</p> + +<p><i>Saturday.</i>—<i>Non adsum</i>, because 'ad sum-where else to go. Covent +Garden, however, not closed in consequence. Hear that <span class="sc">Jean</span> is +to get £600 per week in America. Good interest this for one tenner.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:700px;"><a href="images/294-1500.png"><img src="images/294-600.png" width="600" height="383" alt="AS WORN." /></a> +<h4>AS WORN.</h4> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Dear Uncle Ben—you're always so kind!—<i>would</i> you sit on my Bonnet a +little. I've taken out the Pins.</span>"</p></div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>ONE TOO MANY FOR HIM.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">Signor Smithini</span> <i>loquitur</i>:—</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Houp-là!</i> Oh, it's all very fine</p> +<p class="i2">That there whip to keep twirling and cracking,</p> +<p>But with such a trio as mine</p> +<p class="i2">There's no very great fun in "bare-backing."</p> +<p>Two of them, I'm sure, were enough</p> +<p class="i2">To keep—in <i>this</i> Circus—in tether.</p> +<p>A third you must thrust in!—what stuff!</p> +<p class="i2">How <i>am</i> I to keep 'em together?</p> +<p>"Land Purchase" I had well in hand,</p> +<p class="i2">And "Tithes" made a pretty fair second;</p> +<p>But t'other? I can't understand</p> +<p class="i2">How <span class="sc">Jokim</span> could so have misreckoned.</p> +<p>Of all awkward 'osses to hold</p> +<p class="i2">The worst is his pet, "Compensation,"</p> +<p>And if in the tan I ain't rolled,</p> +<p class="i2">'Twill be thanks to my fine equitation!</p> +<p><i>Must</i> get him along? Oh, of course!</p> +<p class="i2">It will not do to fail, now we've started.</p> +<p>But how? I'm a chap of resource,</p> +<p class="i2">And I fancy I'm not chicken-hearted,</p> +<p>Yet some lookers-on shouts out "Go!"</p> +<p class="i2">Whilst others ejaculate "Drop him!"</p> +<p>And, <span class="sc">Solly</span>, I'm hanged if I know</p> +<p class="i2">How safely to drive him <i>or</i> stop him.</p> +<p>I may get him round,—'twill take time,—</p> +<p class="i2">To drop him would now raise derision;</p> +<p>I'm tired, and not quite in my prime,</p> +<p class="i2">And of failure have somehow a vision.</p> +<p>Of course, I will still do my best;</p> +<p class="i2">I am always devoted to "Duty,"</p> +<p>But oh! I should so like a rest.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Houp-là</i> then! Oh, come up, you beauty!!</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Important.</span>—The Two Pins Club are going +to have a race. Of course it will be "from +point to point."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LE 'OCKEY STICK-BALLE FIGHT.</h2> + +<h4><i>Contributed by Our Own "Sportings-Life" Man.</i></h4> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Mon Cher Monsieur Punch,</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">I know</span> what interest profound and +gracious you have always manifested towards +the glorious efforts of the heroic youth of +our regenerated athletic France, for have I +not read your notices amiable and scientific of +<i>les</i> "doings" of our onze at the <i>jeu de +Cricquette</i>, and still later of the murderous +combat of the veritable "struggle-for-lifers" +in <i>le scrimmage</i> of your terrible contest of +"Kicke-balle"? But now the valiant youth +of our public seminaries have advanced still +one more step, and the afternoon of last +Tuesday saw, in the leafy arcades of our Bois, +a true "stick-balle" fight—in one word, a +<i>parti</i> of "Le 'Ockey," played with <i>vrais +bâtons</i>, clubs long and terrible, with cruel +hooked finish, to the eye of the beholder, and +the dangerous white ball, hard as iron, heavy +as lead, between a 'ome team and a "side" +of strangers, that would have done credit to +an "Oxfor-Cambridge" battle or a fight +royal, in which <i>Les Roverres de Peckham</i> +were themselves engaged.</p> + +<p>The costume of the <i>'ome team</i>, of which I +was the General, consisting, as it did, of +"knickerbockerres" of pink velvet, jerseys +of green and yellow satin in stripes, padded +in front and behind, as a protection from <i>les +coups de les "stickes,"</i> with large feather +pillows, and 'igh jack-boots, worn with the +same motive, completed, together with a +massive iron and wire mask, surmounted +with a funereal plume, used to safeguard the +head and neck, a costume at once striking +and useful. The strangers were, perhaps, +not quite so happily arranged, their legs being +encased in chain-armour, and their bodies +protected by large wicker clothes-washing-baskets; +but, though this precautionary costume +hampered in some respect the play of +their arms, and impeded their swiftness in +making "le rush," still, the hardest blow of +the death-dealing "stickes" fell on them +without pain, and they could meet the approach +of the terrible iron-lead ball without +the apprehensive tremblings of terror.</p> + +<p>The contest, though fierce, was not of long +duration, for, after the ninth goal, the iron-lead +ball was driven with such furious <i>élan</i> +by the victorious side that it dashed into the +middle of the spectators, and was swallowed, in +the excitement, by the startled horse of an omnibus. +Thereupon the Umpire, being appealed +to, decided the contest terminated with victory, +by three goals to nothing, to the 'ome team, +and amidst the prolonged "hurrahs" of the +assembled thousands, who represented all the +<i>élite</i> of the veritable 'igh and Sporting life of +the best Parisian Society, the first day's +<i>stick-balle</i> fight that has now introduced "Le +'Ockey" into the arena of our rising National +Athletics, came to a brilliant and inspiriting +end. I beg you, <i>Mon cher Monsieur Punch</i>, +be assured of my highest considerations, as I +subscribe myself your very humble <i>serviteur</i>,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The First Champion of Les Sports.</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>DEFINITIONS.</h3> + +<p class="ind1"><i>Mater.</i>—One who finds <i>mates</i> for her daughters.</p> + +<p class="ind1"><i>Check Mate.</i>—A husband with money.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. R.</span> says:—"My nephew, who has just +returned from a long voyage, tells me that in +the Red Sea it is so hot that the gentlemen +sleep on deck in their bananas."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/295-1000.png"><img src="images/295-380.png" width="380" height="479" alt="ONE TOO MANY FOR HIM." /></a> +ONE TOO MANY FOR HIM. + +<p><span class="sc">Signor W. H. Smithini</span> (<i>sotto voce</i>). "WISH I COULD HAVE KEPT 'EM +ALL THREE ABREAST, JUST FOR THE +LOOK OF THE THING!"</p></div> +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page296" id="page296"></a>[pg 296]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/297-1500.png"><img src="images/297-600.png" width="600" height="373" alt="HINTS FOR THE PARK." /></a> +<h4>HINTS FOR THE PARK.</h4> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Don't try to turn your Tandem at the Trot, particularly if your Leader is of +a somewhat wilful disposition.</span></p></div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>AFTER "THE MAY."</h3> + +<h4><i>A Cambridge Song of June.</i></h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Out</span> and alas! The "May" is o'er;</p> +<p>The polish of the ball-room floor</p> +<p>Is streaked and marred by heedless feet,</p> +<p>The pretty convoys in the street</p> +<p>Stir no more envy, nor make proud</p> +<p>The escort of the dainty crowd.</p> +<p>No more the archway dark and grim,</p> +<p>No more the tortuous staircase dim</p> +<p>Wake to a glow of living light,</p> +<p>When <span class="sc">Jones's</span> sisters, like a flight</p> +<p>Of tuneful birds in plumage gay</p> +<p>Come into College, in the May.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The little girl in grey is gone,</p> +<p>Who like a silvery marsh-flower shone</p> +<p>What time the long and strenuous train</p> +<p>Of eights round Grassy pulled amain.</p> +<p>Gone is the musical low voice</p> +<p>That made the general heart rejoice,</p> +<p>Mazing prim scholars with her wit,</p> +<p>Or chattering simply, not a bit</p> +<p>Above the sporting schoolboy's range.</p> +<p>At that grave dinner, for a change,</p> +<p>With just as flattering a charm,</p> +<p>She took the formal Tutor's arm,</p> +<p>With sparkling eyes, that scattered light</p> +<p>On the dark Don's self-centred night.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Bare are the windows, flowering then,</p> +<p>The cynosure of lingering men,</p> +<p>Whence over the darkling court would float</p> +<p>The chorus of the College boat;</p> +<p>Not shouted with the tuneless zeal</p> +<p>Which tells how Undergraduates feel;</p> +<p>But by such sweet girl-voices given</p> +<p>As might the strictest "gates" have riven,</p> +<p>Drawn iron tears down Tutors' cheek,</p> +<p>And made Deans grant what loafers seek.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And listening oarsmen softly swore</p> +<p>To pull as men ne'er pulled before,</p> +<p>And, let the next boat do its worst,</p> +<p>To make to-morrow's bump, or burst.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Out, and alas! May follows May,</p> +<p>And other little girls in grey,</p> +<p>With hair as bright and eyes as blue,</p> +<p>Will hold the torch, pass'd on by you,</p> +<p class="i2">And none the bygone years recall;</p> +<p>For even this May's College pride</p> +<p>Will be as dead as flowers that died</p> +<p class="i2">At some forgotten festival.</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Rather Shifty.</span>—"The Members of the +Metropolitan Police Force," the Memorial +stated, as quoted in the <i>Times</i> of June 13, urged +the Government to concede, among other demands, +this, which sounds peculiar:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Duty to consist of eight hours (in one shift) +out of <i>every</i> twenty-four." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The words in brackets are a puzzle. Is +"shift" a misprint for "shirt"? Is a Policeman +now compelled to wear more than one of +these in every twenty-four hours? Is it +flannel or linen? We confess that we do not +understand this, which we may fairly designate +as "The Washerwoman's Clause."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Peregrinus Jocosus</span> writes thus:—"Sir,—I +was visiting Tintern Abbey. Admission is +by a gateway, close to which is an instruction +to ring the bell. How much simpler and pleasanter +if the proprietor had written up, 'Tinternabbeylate!'—Yours, +much pleased, P. J."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">On Army Exams.</span>—As long as Examinations +are what they are, cramming is a +necessity. Therefore, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has only +one retort to present objections to cramming, +and that is—"Stuff!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>RECKING THE REDE LECTURE.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"His paramount aim was to make the world +better by the humanising influences of literature."—<i>Professor +Jebb on Erasmus.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Friend</span> of <span class="sc">Colet</span> and of <span class="sc">More</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">Genial wit and learned scholar,</p> +<p>Never pedant, prig, or bore.</p> +<p class="i2">Dulness and the Mighty Dollar</p> +<p>Rule too much our world of books;</p> +<p class="i2">Slang, sensation, crass stupidity;</p> +<p>Talk of "oof" and prate of "spooks,"</p> +<p class="i2">Sciolism, sheer aridity;</p> +<p>Smartness, which is folly decked</p> +<p class="i2">In true humour's cast-off raiment,</p> +<p>Clap-trap which has never recked</p> +<p class="i2">Aught save chance of praise and payment;</p> +<p>These our literature infest,</p> +<p class="i2">No <span class="sc">Erasmus</span> now arising,</p> +<p>Style to purge and taste to test</p> +<p class="i2">In the way of "humanising."</p> +<p>Could you but come back to us,</p> +<p class="i2">How you'd flay sensation-mongers,</p> +<p>Gird at gush, and flout at fuss,</p> +<p class="i2">Chasten morbid thirsts and hungers:</p> +<p>Puncture philosophic sham,</p> +<p class="i2">"Blugginess," the coarse erotic;</p> +<p>Show up callow Cockney "cram,"</p> +<p class="i2">Logic shallow, thought chaotic;</p> +<p>Lash our later Euphuism,</p> +<p class="i2">And the pseudo-Ciceronian;</p> +<p>Rottenness of "Realism,"</p> +<p class="i2">Battening in its bogs Serbonian.</p> +<p>Thanks, O philosophic <span class="sc">Jebb</span>!</p> +<p class="i2">In this age of advertising,</p> +<p>Literature, at a low ebb,</p> +<p class="i2">Needs a little "humanising."</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">On, Stanley!</span>"—The officer whom the +explorer did not take with him was his left +<span class="sc">Tennant</span>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/298-1000.png"><img src="images/298-350.png" width="350" height="470" alt="'SHADOWING' MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT." /></a> +<h4>"'SHADOWING' MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT."</h4></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + +<h4>THE MODERN CORNELIA.</h4> +<p class="center">[<span class="sc">Cornelia</span>, daughter of <span class="sc">Scipio Africanus</span>, and wife of +<span class="sc">Sempronius Gracchus</span>, when a lady displayed her jewels to her, pointed +to her two sons, exclaiming, "These are <i>my</i> jewels!"]</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/299-1000.png"><img src="images/299-500.png" width="500" height="473" alt="THE MODERN CORNELIA." /></a></div> + +<h3>"THESE ARE MY JEWELS."</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Timour-Mammon's</span> triumph's full</p> +<p class="i2">In this grace-abandoned creature.</p> +<p>Look at her! A tawdry trull,</p> +<p class="i2">Blear of eye and blurred of feature</p> +<p>From the cult of her god—Drink!</p> +<p><span class="sc">Herod's</span> cruel self might shrink</p> +<p>From a—Mother, calculating</p> +<p>On her children's loss, awaiting</p> +<p>With impatience their last breath,</p> +<p>And the devilish gains of Death.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Such as she, her cronies cry,</p> +<p>Are "In luck when children die!"</p> +<p>Luck! The luck of willing loss.</p> +<p>Children dead bring in the dross.</p> +<p class="i4">Little <span class="sc">Sarah's</span> pale and sickly;</p> +<p class="i4">Death is near, but comes not quickly,</p> +<p class="i4">Art may hasten his slow tread.</p> +<p class="i4">Blows, exposure, hunger, pain,</p> +<p class="i4">Are auxiliaries of gain,</p> +<p class="i2">Gain that comes "when <span class="sc">Sarah</span>'s dead,"</p> +<p>When to death her "friends" have done her.</p> +<p>"We have got four pounds upon her,"</p> +<p>Babbles little <span class="sc">Sarah's</span> brother,</p> +<p>Echoing the modern Mother.</p> +<p><span class="sc">Wemyss</span> the wise advises "thrift,"</p> +<p>As the only thing to lift</p> +<p class="i2">Labour from the Sweater's slough.</p> +<p>Laws, he swears, are wholly vain;</p> +<p>Thought may scheme, and Love may strain</p> +<p class="i2">Fruitlessly to raise the brow</p> +<p>Of the poor above the slime</p> +<p>Of starvation, suffering, crime.</p> +<p>Thrift's the thing! Well, here is thrift!</p> +<p>Children,—they are fortune's gift.</p> +<p>Motherhood to rear them strives?</p> +<p>Not so; it <i>insures their lives</i>!</p> +<p>Burial Insurance comes</p> +<p>As a boon unto the slums.</p> +<p>The insurance love may fix</p> +<p>At five pounds, or even six;</p> +<p>A child's funeral costs a pound,</p> +<p>And the balance means—drinks round!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Here's the luck of loss, a luck</p> +<p>Care may hasten. Blows are struck,</p> +<p>Raiment stinted, food denied,</p> +<p>Hunger and exposure tried;</p> +<p>Infants overlain—by chance!</p> +<p>Is it not a Moloch dance?</p> +<p>Modern Motherhood, plus Drink,</p> +<p>Beats old <span class="sc">Moab</span>, will not shrink</p> +<p>From child-sacrifice to win,</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> +<p>Not a false god's smile, but Gin!</p> +<p class="i2">Children are possessions, truly,</p> +<p class="i2">To be sold, and paid for, duly,</p> +<p class="i2">Pledged like other property,</p> +<p class="i2">Bringing interest—when they die.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Modern <span class="sc">Cornelia</span>! That is she,</p> +<p>With a semi-drunken glee</p> +<p>Aping, all unconsciously,</p> +<p>The proud Roman mother's vaunt.</p> +<p>"See <i>my</i> jewels! What I want—</p> +<p>Dress, and drink, and selfish ease,</p> +<p>I can win at will—through these."</p> +<p>What was it little <span class="sc">Bobby</span> said?</p> +<p>"We'll get four pounds when <span class="sc">Sarah</span>'s dead!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Golden-tongued <span class="sc">Peterborough</span>, flay</p> +<p class="i2">The harpies with your burning breath;</p> +<p>And you, brave <span class="sc">Waugh</span>, assist to stay</p> +<p class="i2">This plague of fiends who thrive on death.</p> +<p>Cut short the course of callous crime</p> +<p>Of this <span class="sc">Cornelia</span> of our time!</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + +<h4>AT THE HORSE SHOW.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Time</span>—<i>About 3·30. Leaping Competition about to begin. The<!-- middot? --> +Competitors are ranged in a line at the upper end of the Hall, +while the attendants place the hedges in position. Amongst the +Spectators in the Area are—a Saturnine Stableman from the +country; a Cockney Groom; a Morbid Man; a Man who is +apparently under the impression that he is the only person gifted +with sight; a Critic who is extremely severe upon other people's +seats; a Judge of Horseflesh; and Two Women who can't +see as well as they could wish.</i></p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:300px;"><a href="images/300-450.png"><img +src="images/300-200.png" width="200" height="209" alt="'I should try some other sport if I were you'." /></a></div> + +<p><i>The Descriptive Man</i>. They've got both the fences up now, d'ye +see? There's the judges going to start the jumping; each rider's +got a ticket with his number on his back. See? The first man's horse +don't seem to care about jumping this +afternoon—see how he's dancing +about. Now he's going at it—there, +he's cleared it! Now he'll have to +jump the next one!</p> + +<p> [<i>Keeps up a running fire of these +instructive and valuable observations +throughout the proceedings.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Judge of Horseflesh.</i> Rare good +shoulders that one has.</p> + +<p><i>The Severe Critic (taking the remark +to apply to the horse's rider).</i> +H'm, yes—rather—pity he sticks his +elbows out quite so much, though.</p> + +<p> [<i>His Friend regards him in silent +astonishment.</i></p> + +<p><i>Another Competitor clears a fence, but exhibits a considerable +amount of daylight.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Saturnine Stableman (encouragingly).</i> You'll 'ev to set back +a bit next journey, Guv'nor!</p> + +<p><i>The Cockney Groom.</i> 'Orses 'ud jump better if the fences was a +bit 'igher.</p> + +<p><i>The S. S.</i> They'll be plenty 'oigh enough fur some on 'em.</p> + +<p><i>The Severe Critic.</i> Ugly seat that fellow has—all anyhow when +the horse jumps.</p> + +<p><i>Judge of Horseflesh.</i> Has he? I didn't notice—I was looking at +the horse.</p> +<p class="right1"> [<i>Severe Critic feels snubbed.</i></p> + +<p><i>The S. S. (soothingly, as the Competitor with the loose seat comes +round again).</i> That's not good, Guv'nor!</p> + +<p><i>The Cockney Groom.</i> 'Ere's a little bit o' fashion coming down +next—why, there's quite a boy on his back.</p> + +<p><i>The S. S.</i> 'E won't be on 'im long if he don't look out. Cup an' +ball <i>I</i> call it!</p> + +<p><i>The Morbid Man.</i> I suppose there's always a accident o' some +sort before they've finished.</p> + +<p><i>First Woman.</i> Oh, don't, for goodness sake, talk like that—I'm +sure <i>I</i> don't want to see nothing 'appen.</p> + +<p><i>Second Woman.</i> Well, you may make your mind easy—for you +won't see nothing here; you <i>would</i> have it this was the best place to +come to!</p> + +<p><i>First Woman.</i> I only said there was no sense in paying extra for +the balcony, when you can go in the area for nothing.</p> + +<p><i>Second Woman (snorting).</i> Area, indeed! It might be a good deal +airier than what it is, I'm sure—I shall melt if I stay here +much longer.</p> + +<p><i>The Morbid Man.</i> There's one thing about being so close to the +jump as this—if the 'orse jumps sideways—as 'osses will do every now +and then—he'll be right in among us before we know where we are, +and then there'll be a pretty how-de-do!</p> + +<p><i>Second Woman (to her Friend).</i> Oh, come away, do—it's bad +enough to see nothing, let alone having a great 'orse coming down +atop of us, and me coming out in my best bonnet, too—come away!</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They leave.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Descriptive Man.</i> Now they're going to make 'em do some in-and-out +jumping, see? they're putting the fences close together—that'll +puzzle some of them—ah, he's over both of 'em; very +clean that one jumps! Over again! He's got to do it all twice, +you see.</p> + +<p><i>The Judge of Horseflesh.</i> Temperate horse, that chestnut.</p> + +<p><i>The Severe Critic.</i> Is he, though?—but I suppose they <i>have</i> to be +here, eh? Not allowed champagne or whiskey or anything before +they go in—like they are on a racecourse?</p> + +<p><i>The J. of H.</i> No, they insist on every horse taking the pledge +before they'll enter him.</p> + +<p><i>The Descriptive Man.</i> Each of 'em's had a turn at the in-and-out +jump now. What's coming next? Oh, the five-barred gate—they're +going over that now, and the stone wall—see them putting +the bricks on top? That's to <i>raise</i> it.</p> + +<p><i>The Morbid Man.</i> None of 'em been off yet; but (<i>hopefully</i>) +there'll be a nasty fall or two over this business—there's been many +a neck broke over a lower gate than that.</p> + +<p class="ind1"><i>A Competitor clears the gate easily, holding the reins casually +in his right hand.</i></p> + +<p><i>The J. of H.</i> That man can ride.</p> + +<p><i>The Severe Critic.</i> Pretty well—not what I call <i>business</i>, +though—going +over a gate with one hand, like that.</p> + +<p><i>The J. of H.</i> Didn't know you were such an authority.</p> + +<p><i>The S. C. (modestly).</i> Oh, I can tell when a fellow has a good seat. +I used to ride a good deal at one time. Don't get the chance much +now—worse luck!</p> + +<p><i>The J. of H.</i> Well, I can give you a chance, as it happens. +(Severe Critic <i>accepts with enthusiasm, and the inward reflection that +the chance is much less likely to come off than he is himself</i>.) You +wait till the show is over, and they let the horses in for exercise. I +know a man who's got a cob here—regular little devil to go—bucks +a bit at times—but you won't mind that. I'll take you round to the +stall, and get my friend to let you try him on the tan. How will that +do you, eh?</p> + +<p><i>The Severe Critic (almost speechless with gratitude).</i> Oh—er—it +would do me right enough—capital! That is—it would, if I hadn't an +appointment, and had my riding things on, and wasn't feeling rather +out of sorts, and hadn't promised to go home and take my wife in the +Park, and it's her birthday, too, and, then, I've long made it a rule +never to mount a strange horse, and—er—so you understand how it +is, don't you?</p> + +<p><i>The J. of H.</i> Quite, my dear fellow. (<i>As, for that matter, he has +done from the first.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>The Cockney Groom (alluding to a man who is riding at the gate).</i> +'Ere's a rough 'un this bloke's on! (<i>Horse rises at gate; his rider +shouts, "Hoo, over!" and the gate falls amidst general derision.</i>) +Over? Ah, I should just think it was over!</p> + +<p><i>The Saturnine Stableman (as horseman passes).</i> Yer needn't ha' +"Hoo"'d for that much!</p> + +<p class="ind1">[<i>The Small Boy, precariously perched on an immense animal, +follows; his horse, becoming unmanageable, declines the +gate, and leaps the hurdle at the side.</i></p> + +<p><i>The S. S.</i> Ah, you're a <i>artful</i> lad, you are—thought you'd take +it where it was easiest, eh?—you'll 'ev to goo back and try agen, +you will.</p> + +<p><i>Chorus of Sympathetic Bystanders.</i> Take him at it again, boy; +you're all right!... Hold him in tighter, my lad.... Let out +your reins a bit! Lor, they didn't ought to let a boy like that ride.... +He ain't no more 'old on that big 'orse than if he was a fly on +him!... Keep his 'ed straighter next time.... Enough to try a +boy's nerve! &c., &c.</p> + +<p class="ind1">[<i>The Boy takes the horse back, and eventually clears the gate +amidst immense and well-deserved applause.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Morbid Man (disappointed).</i> Well, I fully expected to see 'im +took off on a shutter.</p> + +<p><i>The Descriptive Man.</i> It's the water-jump next—see; that's it +in the middle; there's the water, underneath the hedge; they'll +have to clear the 'ole of that—or else fall in and get a wetting. +They've taken all the horses round to the other entrance—they'll +come in from that side directly.</p> + +<p class="ind1">[<i>One of the Judges holds up his stick as a signal; wild shouts of +"Hoy-hoy! Whorr-oosh!" from within, as a Competitor +dashes out and clears hedge and ditch by a foot or two. +Deafening applause. A second horseman rides at it, and +lands—if the word is allowable—neatly in the water. Roars +of laughter as he scrambles out.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Morbid Man.</i> Call that a brook! It ain't a couple of inches +deep—it's more mud than water! No fear (<i>he means, "no hope"</i>) +of any on 'em getting a ducking over that!</p> + +<p class="ind1">[<i>And so it turns out; the horses take the jump with more or less +success, but without a single saddle being vacated. The +Judges award a red and blue rosette to the riders of the best +and second horses respectively, and the proceedings terminate +for the afternoon amidst demonstrations of hearty satisfaction +from all but</i> The Morbid Man, <i>who had expected there +would have been "more to see.</i>"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figleft1" style="width: 32px;"><img src="images/finger.png" width="32" height="14" alt="finger pointing" border="0" /> +</div> + <p class="center" style="margin-top: -0.2em;"> <b>NOTICE.</b>—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<table align="center" width="auto" summary="tn" style="margin-top: 5em;"> +<tr> + <td class="note"> + +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +<p>Sundry missing or damaged punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +<p>Page 291: 'Matineé' corrected to 'Matinée': "Miss Blank will make her +first appearance in Juliet at a Matinée".</p> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, June 21 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33488-h.htm or 33488-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/4/8/33488/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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