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diff --git a/33488-8.txt b/33488-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b74745 --- /dev/null +++ b/33488-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1711 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +June 21 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 21 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 22, 2010 [EBook #33488] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98, JUNE 21ST 1890 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +"PLACE AUX DAMES!" + + [Following the brilliant success of Miss FAWCETT at Cambridge, + Mlle. BELCESCO, a Roumanian lady, took her degree to-day + as _Docteur en Droit_. Like Miss FAWCETT, she obtained the + highest place at the examination for the Licentiate's Degree, + and her success was not less brilliant at the examination for + the Doctor's Degree.--_"Daily News" Paris Correspondent._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SENIORA FAWCETT." + +_So to be entitled henceforth, as she is Seniorer to the Senior +Wrangler._] + + To Seniora FAWCETT, + The Wranglers yield first place; + And now, first of the Law set, + One of another race, + Beauty, Brunette, Roumanian, + From man takes top Degree! + In learning's race Melanion + Is beaten, one can see, + By the new Atalanta; + At Law School or Sorbonne, + As at our native Granta, + The girls the prize have won. + Bravo, brunette BELCESCO! + Some limner ought to draw + A quasi-classic fresco, + O Lady of the Law! + O Mathematic Maiden! + And show the pretty pair + With Learning's trophies laden + And manhood in a scare. + Ah, _Portia_ of Paris! + _Urania_ of the Cam! + _Punch_, whose especial care is + To sever truth from sham, + Is no great Woman's-Rightist, + But _this_ is not clap-trap; + Of pundits the politest, + To you he lifts his cap! + _Docteur en Droit_, _Punch_ watches + Miss FAWCETT by the Cam; + To you she quick despatches + A friendly telegram. + He, friend of all the Nations, + Of Woman as of Man, + Adds _his_ "felicitations." + Well done, Roumanian!!! + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +The prevalence of wet weather has had a painful effect on the aspect +of the metropolitan streets. We do not refer so much to their having +been universally inundated with rain, but rather to the absence from +them of those pretty dresses in which it is customary for ladies +to disport themselves during sunny weather. For instance, it was +calculated the other day by a well-known wrangler, that if the +tangential surface of a Bond Street pavement be represented by the +formula: x([Greek: pi] + y^{n^th}) = y + x - [Greek: pi]/x, the +decrease in the number of pedestrians appearing on a wet day may be +set down as 18426-1/52. + + * * * * * + +A Correspondent calls our attention to the prevalence of green on the +various trees of the Metropolis. "This phenomenon," he observes, "is +noticeable in May and early June every year. Some trees are greener +than others, whilst others scarcely come up to the standard of leafy +verdure displayed by their fellows. Taking the trees in the Park and +arranging them in the inverse ratio of their distances at rectangular +intervals from the common centre of their growth, it will be found +that the surface area of a Plane-tree is equal to exactly five hundred +times the cubic capacity of a gooseberry bush, measured from a point +on its inner circumference." + + * * * * * + +Miss ROBINSON, Mrs. TOUCHE-ARMING, and Lady CORDELIA CROSSBIT, were +photographed yesterday. We hear that excellent likenesses of these +brilliant ornaments of the Upper Ten have been secured. + + * * * * * + +The wonderful tameness and docility of the three African lions now +going through their daily performance at the French Exhibition at +Earl's Court, have astonished no less than pleased all who have +witnessed them, but it is not generally known, that their obedient +condition is due to their diet. This has for some time consisted of +a well-known infant's and invalid's food, washed down with copious +draughts of a widely advertised patent medicine that claims to act as +"a special brain and nerve tonic," and it is this last that it is said +is responsible for the quenching of the natural ferocity and utter +prostration of spirit which enables their talented trainer, together +with the watchful attentions of a highly intelligent boar-hound, to +put them through a series of playful and innocent tricks, hitherto +associated rather with the entertaining efforts of the skilled and +educated guinea-pig than with the masterly ferocity of the monarch of +the desert. [Oh yes! We're not going to allow an advertisement to be +sneaked in like this. But as we required a paragraph to fill up space, +here it is, with name and address of Infant's Food provider omitted! +Aha!--ED.] + + * * * * * + +A WHITE SLAVE. + + [Miss HARKER took service as a day governess in a family at + Stockton, at a salary of 25_s._ a month, coupled with the + privilege of dining in the house. She found herself under the + necessity of taking a lodging, the rent for which more than + absorbed her modest stipend. She taught three children English + and music. Afterwards a couple of infants were placed in her + charge. Nor was this all, for when the servants left, the new + governess had "to cook the dinner, wash the dishes, and clean + the knives." After this she asked for a holiday, the result + being that "she was shown the door." Thereupon she brought + an action in the County Court for a month's salary in lieu + of notice. Judgment for plantiff with costs, payable + forthwith.--_Daily News, June 12._] + + Poor Miss HARKER went to Stockton, to Stockton on the Tees, + But not to make her fortune, or to loll at home at ease; + She went to be a governess, and hoped, it would appear, + To board and lodge and dress herself on £15 a-year. + + A lady once informed us how a lady can be dressed + As a lady all for £15, and in her very best; + But she never would have ventured to include in her account + The lodgings and the breakfasts too for this immense amount. + + Now life may be a river, as Pactolus was of old, + Which brings you lots of water to a minimum of gold, + But sometimes it were better, when the water sinks so low + That it fails to turn your mill-wheel, if the river ceased to flow. + + So all day long with urchins three Miss HARKER toiled in chains, + And she poured the oil of learning well upon their rusty brains, + And she practised them in music, and she polished up their sense + With the adverbs and the adjectives, and verbs in mood and tense. + + And they said, "She's doing nicely, we will give her something more + (Not of money, but of labour) ere we show her to the door, + Why, we've got two baby children, it is really only fair + That Miss HARKER should look after them, and wash and dress the + pair. + + "And, Miss HARKER, it will save us such a lot of trouble too, + If, when our servants leave us, they can leave their work to you. + So you'll please to cook our dinner, let your motto be _Ich Dien_, + (No, no, you needn't thank us) and you'll keep our dishes clean. + + "And, of course, you'll do it daily--what was that you dared to say? + You would like to rest a week or so, and want a holiday? + Who ever heard such nonsense? Well, there's one thing we can show, + Not politeness, but the door to you--Miss H. you'd better go." + + So she went, but brought her action, and I'm thankful to relate + That when the case was argued she hadn't long to wait. + "Costs and judgment for the plaintiff, the defendants' case is + fudge, + Pay her monthly wage, she's earned it and deserves it," said the + Judge. + + There be Englishmen in England, sleek men, and women too, + Who tie their purse-strings tighter than tradition's grasping Jew. + What care they for fellow-feeling, who for profit try to lure + Fellow creatures to their grindstone for the faces of the poor? + + And they set some wretched slave to work her fingers to the bone, + Then sullenly deny her bread, or give at best a stone; + And after she has grubbed and scrubbed, they insolently sneer + At one who dares to ask for rest on £15 a-year. + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH, ASK A P'LICEMAN!" + +_As Sung by the Not-quite-at-Home Secretary in his Unpopular +Entertainment._ + + WHY _DID_ MONRO RESIGN? + WAS IT ANY FAULT OF MINE? + + IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH-- + ASK THE P'LICEMAN!] + + * * * * * + +"ASK A P'LICEMAN!" + +MR. M-TTH-WS _sings_:-- + + The Police Force are a noble lot, + They clear our streets and squares; + To Demonstrators give it hot, + And banish civic scares. + But there's one thing I wish to know; + Why do the public grin + When one Commissioner will go, + And t'other won't stop in? + + _Chorus._ + + Why _did_ MONRO resign? + Ask a P'liceman! + Was it any fault of mine? + Ask a P'liceman! + Every member of the Force + Backs the popular Boss--of course! + If you want to know the truth, + Ask a P'liceman! + + I'm very sure I'm always right, + And yet it's vastly queer, + My Secretary's aid they slight, + My Pension-projects jeer. + My Superannuation plan + Won't wash--at Scotland Yard. + They seem against me to a man. + It's really very hard. + + _Chorus._ + + If you'd know why WARREN went, + Ask a P'liceman! + Or why MONRO'S not content, + Ask a P'liceman! + Isn't it enough to vex + The most genial of Home-Secs.? + If you want an answer--plump, + Ask a P'liceman! + + I'm getting quite unpopular; + I can't imagine why. + If in the Force itself there's war, + 'Gainst _me_ there'll be a cry. + Fancy our Constables on strike + For Eight Hours, and the rest! + The prospect's one I do not like. + P'licemen, _don't_ be a pest! + + _Chorus (in which_ Mr. M-T-TH-WS + _does not join_.) + + If you want to know the facts, + Ask a P'liceman! + About M-TTH-WS and his acts, + Ask a P'liceman! + If you wish the truth to know + About popular MONRO, + And who _next_ ought to resign, + Ask a P'liceman!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NASTY ONE. + +_Miss Smith (to Brown, who has just been relating an amusing personal +experience)._ "HOW GOOD! AND DID IT REALLY HAPPEN TO YOU?" + +_Brown._ "YES, _REALLY_--ONLY YESTERDAY!" + +_Jones (his hated rival)._ "AH! BUT I CAN TELL YOU A STILL OLDER STORY +THAN THAT, ABOUT A FELLOW WHO----" [_Tells a regular Joe Miller._ +] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +SOCIAL. + +"_You'll come again soon?_" _i.e._, "Thank goodness, he's going +abroad!" + +"_Always make time to see you_;" _i.e._, "Strict orders to servants, +'Not at home.'" + +THEATRICAL. + +"_Miss Blank will make her first appearance in Juliet at a Matinée_;" +_i.e._, That some theatrical coach sees his way to making a little +additional profit out of a wealthy and ambitious pupil. + +"_Why don't you look in?--house crammed every night, but always room +for you_;" _i.e._, Last attempt to place a free admission when +the theatre is empty, and the vouchers have been refused at the +poster-displaying tobacconists. + + * * * * * + +BACK TO BACKS. + +The Cambridge Week, delightful. Beautiful weather till I left, and +after me--the deluge! Fair faces everywhere, and O those beautiful +"Backs"! As the poet sang-- + + "Ye Backs and Braes!" + +Why lug in "Braes"? Fronts may be, and have been, false, but never +these "Backs." They never looked lovelier than at the commencement +of last week,--fine weather, warm, a gentle breeze. Lucky Cantabs, to +have such an idyllic idling place, where you can moon, spoon, stroll, +study, work or play, and, if in your boat, smoke, for the pernicious +weed is forbidden in the well-kept gardens, though it may be indulged +in on the water, beneath whose surface another pernicious weed can be +seen luxuriating. + +Once more I visit the A. D. C., and witness a capital performance of +a burlesque, _Der Freischütz_, founded on one of H. J. BYRON'S, and +written up to date by a precious STONE. Burlesque is not dead! Very +far from it. The "Sacred Lamp" is not even flickering, but burning +with undiminished brilliancy. For a time learned Thebans essayed to +extinguish it with High Comedy and even Shakspearian Drama. But the A. +D. C. was meant for recreation, and no Undergraduate saw any amusement +in either performing or witnessing High Comedy or an historical Drama +by WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE. Relaxation for the pale student was needed, so +dancing and singing, and jokes, topical hits, and comic business, +drew big houses, and amused both players and audiences. The classical +Puritanical rebellion was over, and the Merry Monarch, King Burlesque, +was restored to his throne, merrier than ever. A crowded house, and I +am informed crowdeder and crowdeder every night. + +The burlesque is a good one, as the story of _Der Freischütz_ is +closely parodied, and it is not a mere variety show. And the actors +are as much in earnest as the other actors were in earnest, terrible +earnest, just thirty-five years ago, for the date over the proscenium +reminds me that the A. D. C. was founded in 1855. There are some +old original members down here, and they regard some old original +photographs of themselves when they were all boys together in this +A. D. C. The photographs are of beardless youths, all very much in +earnest. The middle-aged, grey-bearded men are contemplating their +former selves with an air of surprise. "Dear me! and those were us!" +they exclaim, in Academical English. They see themselves as others +saw them then, and they are secretly disappointed, though they soon +recover their serenity, and with pride to think their lineaments have +been preserved and handed down from generation to generation, they +bring up their wives and daughters to look at the pictures, and to +listen to their "tales of a grandfather." + +Alas! the photographs are fading, and soon, but for the extant history +of the A. D. C., dedicated to its Honorary President, H.R.H., the +Prince of WALES, its origin would be lost in the obscurity of the +dark ages (before they were the grey ages), or be so confused and +intermingled with myth as to render any account of its early days +untrustworthy. + +And what a crowd, driving, walking, riding, to see the boat-races! +Quite a little Water Derby Day. So much talk about "bumps," that +a stranger would think he had come to hear an open-air lecture on +phrenology. + +One more lounge in the "Backs," and then to London and work, while +happy Undergrads commence their Long Vacation, and make holiday in +the sunshine of life. But roam where you will, never will you find any +spot to equal these Backs. _O Fortunati Cantabiles!_ _Backs vobiscum!_ + +As a barrister I love a refresher, and this flying visit has, indeed, +been a refresher to one who drinks to Trin. Coll. Cam. and the A. +D. C. in a bumper of '75 Margaux, and is able, after that, to sign +himself, academically and Lincolnsinnically, the + + MARQUIS DE TERMES. + +PS.--Wouldn't this Claretian name of "Marquis DE TERMES" be a good +title for the Markiss of SALISBURY, that "master of flouts and gibes"? + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 9._--Last time I saw OLD MORALITY +was in the lovely estuary of the Dart. He had just cut away from +Parliament, called together his seamen bold, and steamed out Westward +in the _Pandora_. When we on the _Hiawatha_ woke up on Sunday +morning, there was the _Pandora_ lying alongside, with OLD MORALITY +in pea-jacket, straw hat, telescope under his arm, and sea-boots +above his knees, though there was not a ripple on face of water that +mirrored the old castle at the point, the church, the trees, and the +green hills. Nevertheless, there he was, pacing the mizzen-deck, every +now and then bringing his telescope to his weather eye, on the +look out for Irish Members or SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE lurking in +underwood. We ran up at our foretopmost peak, all taut by a couple of +bowlines, the signal, "England expects that W. H. SMITH this day will +do his duty." There was a soft gleam in OLD MORALITY'S starboard eye +when he recognised the signal, and he brought the telescope to the +salute. + +"Very kind of you, TOBY; very thoughtful of your Commodore. You know, +nothing is nearer to my heart than the desire to do my duty--duty +to my QUEEN and Country; at the same time, of course as far as +is compatible with the supreme incentive, desiring to meet the +convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in all parts of the House." + +Haven't seen OLD MORALITY since, till he turned up to-night, Been +seedy, everybody sorry to hear; judiciously added a week to his +regular holiday. When he entered House this afternoon, good rattling +cheer went up, testifying to his popularity. + +"Yes," said WILFRID LAWSON, dropping into poetry-- + + "Ex-First-Lord from over the sea! + Celt, Home-Ruler, whatever we be, + "We all like OLD MORALI-TEE." + +Irish Land Purchase Bill first Order of day, but JOHN DILLON moves +Adjournment, to discuss goings on of Police in Tipperary. PRINCE +ARTHUR, amidst constant interruptions, makes angry reply. His speech +introduces variation on old Constitutional principle. + +"The Police," he says in effect, "can do no wrong--at least, in +Ireland." + +Mr. G. joins in demands for Parliamentary inquiry. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, +almost hoarse with rage, fulminates against PRINCE ARTHUR and all +his works. But though apparently seethed in passion, does not lose +presence of mind. + +"I know," he shouted, "every Dissentient Liberal in this House," +(here his copy of the Orders, which he had fashioned in rough shape +resembling police baton, and flourished in dangerous fashion, came +down with enormous thud on crown of hat of TOM SUTHERLAND, who +happened to be sitting just beneath him) "--and that's one," O'BRIEN +continued. + +[Illustration: The Chairman of P. and O. after Remark from Mr. +O'Brien.] + +"Surely," I said to him afterwards, "you didn't mean to call attention +to the Chairman of the P. and O. in that fashion?" + +"Not a bit of it. I was going to say, 'I know every Dissentient +Liberal in this House will support the Government in the Division +Lobby;' but when in the middle of the sentence I found I'd come down +on SUTHERLAND'S hat, I thought it would make less fuss if I turned the +remark in the way I left it." + +Ingenious this; but SUTHERLAND says, he understands now why many +of the Irish Members are accustomed to wear low-crowned hats during +Parliamentary Debate. Comes a little expensive to sit about listening +with a silk hat on. + +_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill in Committee. + +_Tuesday._--GRANDOLPH'S seat empty. Not been here since House resumed +after Whitsun holidays. Looked for to-night. Has first place on Orders +with Instruction on going into Committee on Compensation Bill. +SPEAKER been going about with a besom brushing away Instructions. +Only GRANDOLPH'S stands, a monument to his adroitness and ingenuity. +Opposition looking forward to pleasant evening. If GRANDOLPH makes +rattling speech in support of his Instruction, it will make things +disagreeable for the Ministry. Moment comes, but GRANDOLPH lingers. +Cousin CURZON gets up, announces that GRANDOLPH has heard that +Government intend to oppose the Instruction. That being so, he does +not think it expedient, in interests of public business, to persevere +with it. So will stay in Paris, look through the Luxembourg, loiter in +the Louvre, lunch in the Eiffel Tower, and otherwise innocently wile +the hours away. + +"No," said Cousin CURZON, when I observed that this was not like the +GRANDOLPH of old times; "he is much altered; as meek as he was +once aggressive. Shudders at the thought of causing a moment's +inconvenience to a Government of which GEORGIE HAMILTON is an +ornament; quite surprised to learn that Government would oppose +Amendment, the carrying of which would be equivalent to defeat +of their measure. When he heard of it at once decided to drop his +Instruction." + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. + +_Wednesday._--House sitting; Members talking; Bills advanced by +stages; but thoughts of Members concentrated on secret OLD MORALITY +carries in his placid bosom. What proposals are Government going to +make for arrangement of public business? Are they going to drop three +Bills, or two, or one, or carry all three? If so, how is it to be +done? by Autumn Session? by peremptory Closure? or by new device +of carrying over measures into succeeding Session? Over a cup of +five-o'clock, taken in his private room, I frankly put these questions +to OLD MORALITY. No use beating about the bush when you are with old +friends. + +"TOBY," he says, as I light another cigarette, and settle myself +to hear the disclosure, "recent morphological inquiry has a curious +bearing on this point. Biologists have lately been busy discussing +the meaning of a certain organ, to which, in the present stage of its +development, it appears impossible to assign any utilitarian value. +The case I allude to is the electric organ in the tail of the skate, +on which Professor COSSAR EWART read a paper before the Royal Society. +You will find a full report of it in _Phil. Trans._, Vol. LXXIX. Other +aquatic animals which possess such organs use them to advantage as +electric batteries against their foes. They feel impelled to do so, +by what I may perhaps distantly allude to as a sense of duty to their +QUEEN and Country. But the electric organ of the skate, though a most +complicated mechanism, a structure as elaborate as any in the animal +kingdom, appears to be of no benefit whatever to its possessor. This +is a very curious thing. I can hardly sleep of nights thinking +about it. Can you suggest any explanation? Excuse me, there's the +division-bell. Perhaps you'll draw me up a little memorandum giving me +your views on the subject." + +Very curious indeed. I hadn't mentioned the skate; don't quite see +how he slided into the subject. Shall take another opportunity of +ascertaining OLD MORALITY'S views and intentions with respect to +Government plan for arranging business. + +_Business done._--As to electric organ in the tail of the skate. + +_Thursday._--A pretty kettle-of-fish. Electric organ of skate seems to +have touched up Government; confusion at Carlton to-day. The MARKISS +met his merry men; proposed that Bills not completed by Prorogation +should be carried over to next Session and taken up at stage reached +this year. Loud outcry in Conservative ranks; proposal denounced as +revolutionary; wouldn't have it on any terms; meeting broke up without +passing any resolution; OLD MORALITY due at House at half-past three +to give notice of Resolutions on Procedure. + +"Where are they?" Mr. G. asks, beaming across the table. + +"Resolutions?" says OLD MORALITY; "bless you, Sir, I have none to +move." + +Grim silence on Ministerial Benches. Jubilation in Opposition camp. +OLD MORALITY plied with questions from all sides; forlornly shakes his +head. Can't say anything now. Can't say when he will be able to say +something. Perhaps on Monday; perhaps some other day. Baited for half +an hour, and then mercifully allowed to escape. + +"The tail seems, after all, to have been wagging the skate," I said, +humorously; really sorry to find him so low-spirited. Didn't seem to +see the point of joke, and usually so apt at badinage. A curious state +of affairs; perhaps a memorable day. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. + +_Friday._--"Lo! a strange thing has happened." (W. BLACK.) Yesterday +Conservatives in open revolt; Ministry seemed tottering; Opposition +jubilant. To-day things righted themselves; the rebels say it was +only their fun; Dissentient Liberals throw arms round neck of MARKISS; +protest they would never desert him; Opposition depressed; Ministers +elate. + +"The head seems to have got the better of the complicated mechanism +in the rear of the skate," I say to OLD MORALITY, a little timidly, +remembering failure of yesterday's flash of humour. Quick comes the +beaming smile. "You're a funny dog, TOBY," says OLD MORALITY, looking +ten years younger than yesterday. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. + + * * * * * + +AT HIS MAYERJESTY'S. + +[Illustration: Harlequinade.] + +_Paris Fin de Siècle_, Mr. MAYER'S second transplantation from the +Gymnase to Her Majesty's Theatre, is amusing from first to last--that +is to say, from 8.15 to close on midnight. The Comedy rattles along, +and carries the audience who understand French--who in their turn +carry the audience who pretend to do so, but who don't--with it. The +acting is excellent; and the dialogue is as bright as the looks and +toilettes of the dozen or more ladies who have parts. It is not quite +clear what "_fin de siècle_" means. If it is Paris of to-day that is +pictured, it certainly cannot be the Paris of five years hence, and +the century has yet ten years to run. But whatever is the purpose +of the play, it satisfied the audience which, on the first night, +included H.R.H. and the PRINCESS OF WALES, together with "all London." + +The plot is simple. _Alfred de Mirandol_ (M. NOBLET), of the +_tout Paris_ set, is engaged to the daughter of the _Marquis de +Boissy-Godet_--so he tells everyone who chances to be breakfasting +at BIGNON'S, where the first scene is laid--and, without anything +particular happening to either of them during the next three Acts, he +remains engaged to the young lady when the curtain falls. Then he has +a _non fin de siècle_ friend, fresh from Brittany, who proposes to +a charming widow, charmingly looked and played by Madame SISOS, who +accepts him, and lands him in a duel with a Spanish Duke (cleverly +played by M. PAUL PLAN) about her Milliner's bill. No one is hurt, +but the incident--the only incident to speak of--furnishes a scene in +which the four _fin de siècle_ seconds are continually forgetting the +business on which they are met, and drift into baccarat. Then Madame +DESCLAUZAS is a Marquise who is so busy with her various charitable +institutions that she has not seen her husband for a week, and forgets +all about her daughter's marriage. + +To London 1890 the Marquise, though unquestionably inimitable, seems +slightly loud. English Marchionesses do not as a rule wink. But _Paris +Fin de Siècle_ is altogether beyond London 1890. English people do not +know enough of the formalities attending the arrangement of duels +to fully appreciate M. NOBLET'S forgetfulness of his duties; nor do +English ladies, as yet, give Harlequin Balls, at which the gentlemen +wear red evening coats,--it was not a hunt-ball of course; nor does +London 1890 see any particular point in the _monde_ being shown as +frivolous and dissipated, while the _demi-monde_ will not permit +smoking in the drawing-room, and generally plays propriety. So _Paris +Fin de Siècle_ may be true to nature, for all English people know +about it. Whether it is or is not, it is just as amusing, and well +worth seeing. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +JAMES THE FIRST, of America, not to be confounded even by his enemies +with the Old or Young Pretender, is bringing out his book entitled, +_The Gentle Art of Making Enemies_, which line represents only a third +of the entire title. The celebrated Butterfly signature flitters and +flutters from leaf to leaf throughout the book, which in itself, in +its binding, print, and arrangement, is a work of Art of which the +publishers, Messrs. HEINEMANN, may be justly proud, and which must +rejoice the soul of JAMES PRIMUS AMERICANUS, Ex-President, R.S.B.A. +The BARON has great pleasure in drawing attention--(he is gifted is +the BARON, "drawing" as well as writing, you'll observe)--to a rare +specimen of the _Papilio Whistleriensis_ which adorns this paragraph, +and hopes, on another occasion, to have a few remarks to offer on the +many genuine Jacobean epistles contained in this dainty volume which +is issued, as the short preface informs us, under the Ex-P.R.B.A.'s +"immediate care and supervision," and as a counterblast from LE +SIFFLEUR against "a spurious and garbled version" of his writings +already put into circulation. It was about time for JACQUES LE +SIFFLEUR to come out for a blow; which blow it is more blessed to give +than to receive, _dicit_ the BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday._--_Les Huguenots._ Madame NORDICA as our _Valentine_. She is +_toujours riante_. Otherwise, vocally, charming. RAVELLI the Reliable +as _Raoul_, much applauded and quite two inches higher in popular +estimation. _Valentina_ NORDICA cannot take anything seriously. She +smiles as she is wont to smile at the supreme moment of his great +athletic window-jump, when he is shot out of window and killed so +thoroughly that he cannot be produced for the last Act of all, which, +therefore, is now never given. Simple-minded folk, not up to this, +wait in their stalls, and wonder why everybody else is going. Members +of orchestra disappear, lights extinguished, brown-holland coverings +descend, the fireman enters, the box-keepers retire, and suddenly it +bursts upon the inexperienced Opera-goer that it's all over, except +shouting for carriages, and that's over too by now, and that there is +to be no more Opera to-night. + + L'entr'acte est long, + Un peu d'espoir, + There's no more song, + Et puis bon soir. + +M. LASSALLE as the French nobleman, whom some one described as "_Sam +Bris_," excellent. Good house for the _Huguenots_. + +_Tuesday._--Here we are _Lohengrinning_ again. _Lohengrin_ not a comic +opera: the name being rather misleading. Melodious, mellifluous +Mlle. MELBA as _Elsa de Brabante_. NED DE RESZKÉ as the _Great King_, +FURSCH-MADI-GRAS unrivalled as _Ortruda_, DAN DRADY as _Freddy_, one +of his most dramatic performances; Signor ABRAMOFF as the _Family +Herald_--quite a volume--and JACK DE RESZKÉ as a _Knight on the +Swannee River_, or perhaps a knightly visitor from Swansea. Poor JACK +suffering from hoarseness. DRURIOLANUS comes forward to explain this. +Audience imagines that DRURIOLANUS himself is going to take poor +JACK'S place. Rather disappointed in consequence. "Could have done it, +of course," says DRURIOLANUS afterwards, "but bad example for other +members of the governing committee." JACK DE R.'S hoarseness scarcely +noticeable. No one would have known it if DRURIOLANUS hadn't told us. +Some people can't keep a secret. + +_Wednesday._--_Vide_ last Wednesday's report. Only difference being +that Signor PLUNKETTO GREENO is not _in statu quo ante_, the part of +the _Commendatore, M.P. for Stony Stratford_, being taken by Signor DE +VASCHETTI. + +_Thursday._--Missed it. _Romeo et Juliette._ Believe it was performed, +not having heard anything to contrary. Reported that Mr. and Mrs. G. +were present. Remember he was there last season, when same Opera was +played. Came up then, I think, from Dollis Hill. "All roads lead to +Romeo," the G.O.M. is reported to have said to FLORAL HALL, the Covent +Gardenia Box Office Manager and enthusiastic devotee of the G.O.M., or +"Grand Opera Man." + +_Friday._--_La Favorite_ in French. Evidently neither particular nor +universal Favourite, as so many _habitués_, conspicuous when here by +their noble presence, are now still more conspicuous by their noble +absence. Mlle. RICHARD, her first visit to Royal Franco-Italian Opera +at Covent Garden, is the Favourite to-night, and the Favourite wins. +Opportunity for Mlle. BAUERMEISTER, who has one of the prettiest airs +in the Opera to start with, but then "is heard no more," having only +to exhibit, in sympathetic dramatic action, her deep distress at the +sufferings of the unhappy Favourite, the victim of _Alfonse_, King of +Castille. _King Alfonse_ gives a garden-party, with "gipsy revellers" +of the period, led by small and early PALLADINO. Refreshments are +probably served in an adjoining apartment, but _King Alfonse_, being, +perhaps, a trifle dry, occupies his time in the chair of state by +trifling with a lozenge. Great difficulty among audience as to whether +_Fernand_ is MONTARIOL or YBOS. Having seen MONTARIOL as _David_ in +the _Meistersingers_, I do not recognise him as Fernand; but having +seen YBOS as _Raoul_, in the _Huguenots_, FERNAND'S legs seem familiar +to me. If the voice is the voice of MONTARIOL, the legs are the legs +of YBOS. DRURIOLANUS IBOSS says it is _not_ YBOS but MONTARIOL; while +a distinguished Operatic Committeeman tells a despairing critic +that it _is_ YBOS, and not MONTARIOL. Anyhow, Mons. +YBOS-AUX-JAMBES-MONTARIOLIENNES is a good, though not great, +_Fernand_. The chorus whether as Monks of one of the great Theatrical +Orders, not-admitted-after-seven, or as members of the Castilian +Aristocracy, are admirable. Signor GASPAR--a name that suggests a +singer rather out of condition, and, like _Hamlet_, "scant of breath" +(he should be appropriately attired in "pants")--keeps his eye on +Signor BEVIGNANI, and Signor BEVIGNANI pulls him through. _Mem._ What +an education in modern languages it must require to be a chorister of +the R. I. O. C. G.! Italian, French, English, of course; and perhaps +one night they'll come out with something of WAGNER'S in the original +German. Everybody looking forward to the revival of _Le Prophète_ on +Monday next. + +_Saturday._--_Non adsum_, because 'ad sum-where else to go. Covent +Garden, however, not closed in consequence. Hear that JEAN is to get +£600 per week in America. Good interest this for one tenner. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AS WORN. + +"DEAR UNCLE BEN--YOU'RE ALWAYS SO KIND!--_WOULD_ YOU SIT ON MY BONNET +A LITTLE. I'VE TAKEN OUT THE PINS."] + + * * * * * + +ONE TOO MANY FOR HIM. + +SIGNOR SMITHINI _loquitur_:-- + + _Houp-là!_ Oh, it's all very fine + That there whip to keep twirling and cracking, + But with such a trio as mine + There's no very great fun in "bare-backing." + Two of them, I'm sure, were enough + To keep--in _this_ Circus--in tether. + A third you must thrust in!--what stuff! + How _am_ I to keep 'em together? + "Land Purchase" I had well in hand, + And "Tithes" made a pretty fair second; + But t'other? I can't understand + How JOKIM could so have misreckoned. + Of all awkward 'osses to hold + The worst is his pet, "Compensation," + And if in the tan I ain't rolled, + 'Twill be thanks to my fine equitation! + _Must_ get him along? Oh, of course! + It will not do to fail, now we've started. + But how? I'm a chap of resource, + And I fancy I'm not chicken-hearted, + Yet some lookers-on shouts out "Go!" + Whilst others ejaculate "Drop him!" + And, SOLLY, I'm hanged if I know + How safely to drive him _or_ stop him. + I may get him round,--'twill take time,-- + To drop him would now raise derision; + I'm tired, and not quite in my prime, + And of failure have somehow a vision. + Of course, I will still do my best; + I am always devoted to "Duty," + But oh! I should so like a rest. + _Houp-là_ then! Oh, come up, you beauty!! + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT.--The Two Pins Club are going to have a race. Of course it +will be "from point to point." + + * * * * * + +LE 'OCKEY STICK-BALLE FIGHT. + +_Contributed by Our Own "Sportings-Life" Man._ + + MON CHER MONSIEUR PUNCH, + +I KNOW what interest profound and gracious you have always manifested +towards the glorious efforts of the heroic youth of our regenerated +athletic France, for have I not read your notices amiable and +scientific of _les_ "doings" of our onze at the _jeu de Cricquette_, +and still later of the murderous combat of the veritable +"struggle-for-lifers" in _le scrimmage_ of your terrible contest of +"Kicke-balle"? But now the valiant youth of our public seminaries have +advanced still one more step, and the afternoon of last Tuesday saw, +in the leafy arcades of our Bois, a true "stick-balle" fight--in one +word, a _parti_ of "Le 'Ockey," played with _vrais bâtons_, clubs long +and terrible, with cruel hooked finish, to the eye of the beholder, +and the dangerous white ball, hard as iron, heavy as lead, between a +'ome team and a "side" of strangers, that would have done credit to an +"Oxfor-Cambridge" battle or a fight royal, in which _Les Roverres de +Peckham_ were themselves engaged. + +The costume of the _'ome team_, of which I was the General, +consisting, as it did, of "knickerbockerres" of pink velvet, jerseys +of green and yellow satin in stripes, padded in front and behind, as +a protection from _les coups de les "stickes,"_ with large feather +pillows, and 'igh jack-boots, worn with the same motive, completed, +together with a massive iron and wire mask, surmounted with a funereal +plume, used to safeguard the head and neck, a costume at once +striking and useful. The strangers were, perhaps, not quite so happily +arranged, their legs being encased in chain-armour, and their bodies +protected by large wicker clothes-washing-baskets; but, though this +precautionary costume hampered in some respect the play of their arms, +and impeded their swiftness in making "le rush," still, the hardest +blow of the death-dealing "stickes" fell on them without pain, and +they could meet the approach of the terrible iron-lead ball without +the apprehensive tremblings of terror. + +The contest, though fierce, was not of long duration, for, after the +ninth goal, the iron-lead ball was driven with such furious _élan_ by +the victorious side that it dashed into the middle of the spectators, +and was swallowed, in the excitement, by the startled horse of an +omnibus. Thereupon the Umpire, being appealed to, decided the contest +terminated with victory, by three goals to nothing, to the 'ome team, +and amidst the prolonged "hurrahs" of the assembled thousands, who +represented all the _élite_ of the veritable 'igh and Sporting life +of the best Parisian Society, the first day's _stick-balle_ fight that +has now introduced "Le 'Ockey" into the arena of our rising National +Athletics, came to a brilliant and inspiriting end. I beg you, _Mon +cher Monsieur Punch_, be assured of my highest considerations, as I +subscribe myself your very humble _serviteur_, + + THE FIRST CHAMPION OF LES SPORTS. + + * * * * * + +DEFINITIONS. + +_Mater._--One who finds _mates_ for her daughters. + +_Check Mate._--A husband with money. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. says:--"My nephew, who has just returned from a long voyage, +tells me that in the Red Sea it is so hot that the gentlemen sleep on +deck in their bananas." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE TOO MANY FOR HIM. + +SIGNOR W. H. SMITHINI (_sotto voce_). "WISH I COULD HAVE KEPT 'EM ALL +THREE ABREAST, JUST FOR THE LOOK OF THE THING!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS FOR THE PARK. + +DON'T TRY TO TURN YOUR TANDEM AT THE TROT, PARTICULARLY IF YOUR LEADER +IS OF A SOMEWHAT WILFUL DISPOSITION.] + + * * * * * + +AFTER "THE MAY." + +_A Cambridge Song of June._ + + OUT and alas! The "May" is o'er; + The polish of the ball-room floor + Is streaked and marred by heedless feet, + The pretty convoys in the street + Stir no more envy, nor make proud + The escort of the dainty crowd. + No more the archway dark and grim, + No more the tortuous staircase dim + Wake to a glow of living light, + When JONES'S sisters, like a flight + Of tuneful birds in plumage gay + Come into College, in the May. + + The little girl in grey is gone, + Who like a silvery marsh-flower shone + What time the long and strenuous train + Of eights round Grassy pulled amain. + Gone is the musical low voice + That made the general heart rejoice, + Mazing prim scholars with her wit, + Or chattering simply, not a bit + Above the sporting schoolboy's range. + At that grave dinner, for a change, + With just as flattering a charm, + She took the formal Tutor's arm, + With sparkling eyes, that scattered light + On the dark Don's self-centred night. + + Bare are the windows, flowering then, + The cynosure of lingering men, + Whence over the darkling court would float + The chorus of the College boat; + Not shouted with the tuneless zeal + Which tells how Undergraduates feel; + But by such sweet girl-voices given + As might the strictest "gates" have riven, + Drawn iron tears down Tutors' cheek, + And made Deans grant what loafers seek. + + And listening oarsmen softly swore + To pull as men ne'er pulled before, + And, let the next boat do its worst, + To make to-morrow's bump, or burst. + + Out, and alas! May follows May, + And other little girls in grey, + With hair as bright and eyes as blue, + Will hold the torch, pass'd on by you, + And none the bygone years recall; + For even this May's College pride + Will be as dead as flowers that died + At some forgotten festival. + + * * * * * + +RATHER SHIFTY.--"The Members of the Metropolitan Police Force," +the Memorial stated, as quoted in the _Times_ of June 13, urged +the Government to concede, among other demands, this, which sounds +peculiar:-- + + "Duty to consist of eight hours (in one shift) out of _every_ + twenty-four." + +The words in brackets are a puzzle. Is "shift" a misprint for "shirt"? +Is a Policeman now compelled to wear more than one of these in every +twenty-four hours? Is it flannel or linen? We confess that we do not +understand this, which we may fairly designate as "The Washerwoman's +Clause." + + * * * * * + +PEREGRINUS JOCOSUS writes thus:--"Sir,--I was visiting Tintern Abbey. +Admission is by a gateway, close to which is an instruction to ring +the bell. How much simpler and pleasanter if the proprietor had +written up, 'Tinternabbeylate!'--Yours, much pleased, P. J." + + * * * * * + +ON ARMY EXAMS.--As long as Examinations are what they are, cramming +is a necessity. Therefore, _Mr. Punch_ has only one retort to present +objections to cramming, and that is--"Stuff!" + + * * * * * + +RECKING THE REDE LECTURE. + + "His paramount aim was to make the world better by the + humanising influences of literature."--_Professor Jebb on + Erasmus._ + + FRIEND of COLET and of MORE, + Genial wit and learned scholar, + Never pedant, prig, or bore. + Dulness and the Mighty Dollar + Rule too much our world of books; + Slang, sensation, crass stupidity; + Talk of "oof" and prate of "spooks," + Sciolism, sheer aridity; + Smartness, which is folly decked + In true humour's cast-off raiment, + Clap-trap which has never recked + Aught save chance of praise and payment; + These our literature infest, + No ERASMUS now arising, + Style to purge and taste to test + In the way of "humanising." + Could you but come back to us, + How you'd flay sensation-mongers, + Gird at gush, and flout at fuss, + Chasten morbid thirsts and hungers: + Puncture philosophic sham, + "Blugginess," the coarse erotic; + Show up callow Cockney "cram," + Logic shallow, thought chaotic; + Lash our later Euphuism, + And the pseudo-Ciceronian; + Rottenness of "Realism," + Battening in its bogs Serbonian. + Thanks, O philosophic JEBB! + In this age of advertising, + Literature, at a low ebb, + Needs a little "humanising." + + * * * * * + +"ON, STANLEY!"--The officer whom the explorer did not take with him +was his left TENNANT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'SHADOWING' MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN CORNELIA. + +[CORNELIA, daughter of SCIPIO AFRICANUS, and wife of SEMPRONIUS +GRACCHUS, when a lady displayed her jewels to her, pointed to her two +sons, exclaiming, "These are _my_ jewels!"] +] + +"THESE ARE MY JEWELS." + + TIMOUR-MAMMON'S triumph's full + In this grace-abandoned creature. + Look at her! A tawdry trull, + Blear of eye and blurred of feature + From the cult of her god--Drink! + HEROD'S cruel self might shrink + From a--Mother, calculating + On her children's loss, awaiting + With impatience their last breath, + And the devilish gains of Death. + + Such as she, her cronies cry, + Are "In luck when children die!" + Luck! The luck of willing loss. + Children dead bring in the dross. + Little SARAH'S pale and sickly; + Death is near, but comes not quickly, + Art may hasten his slow tread. + Blows, exposure, hunger, pain, + Are auxiliaries of gain, + Gain that comes "when SARAH's dead," + When to death her "friends" have done her. + "We have got four pounds upon her," + Babbles little SARAH'S brother, + Echoing the modern Mother. + WEMYSS the wise advises "thrift," + As the only thing to lift + Labour from the Sweater's slough. + Laws, he swears, are wholly vain; + Thought may scheme, and Love may strain + Fruitlessly to raise the brow + Of the poor above the slime + Of starvation, suffering, crime. + Thrift's the thing! Well, here is thrift! + Children,--they are fortune's gift. + Motherhood to rear them strives? + Not so; it _insures their lives_! + Burial Insurance comes + As a boon unto the slums. + The insurance love may fix + At five pounds, or even six; + A child's funeral costs a pound, + And the balance means--drinks round! + + Here's the luck of loss, a luck + Care may hasten. Blows are struck, + Raiment stinted, food denied, + Hunger and exposure tried; + Infants overlain--by chance! + Is it not a Moloch dance? + Modern Motherhood, plus Drink, + Beats old MOAB, will not shrink + From child-sacrifice to win, + Not a false god's smile, but Gin! + Children are possessions, truly, + To be sold, and paid for, duly, + Pledged like other property, + Bringing interest--when they die. + + Modern CORNELIA! That is she, + With a semi-drunken glee + Aping, all unconsciously, + The proud Roman mother's vaunt. + "See _my_ jewels! What I want-- + Dress, and drink, and selfish ease, + I can win at will--through these." + What was it little BOBBY said? + "We'll get four pounds when SARAH's dead!" + + Golden-tongued PETERBOROUGH, flay + The harpies with your burning breath; + And you, brave WAUGH, assist to stay + This plague of fiends who thrive on death. + Cut short the course of callous crime + Of this CORNELIA of our time! + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE HORSE SHOW. + +TIME--_About 3.30. Leaping Competition about to begin. The Competitors +are ranged in a line at the upper end of the Hall, while the +attendants place the hedges in position. Amongst the Spectators in the +Area are--a Saturnine Stableman from the country; a Cockney Groom; a +Morbid Man; a Man who is apparently under the impression that he is +the only person gifted with sight; a Critic who is extremely severe +upon other people's seats; a Judge of Horseflesh; and Two Women who +can't see as well as they could wish._ + +_The Descriptive Man_. They've got both the fences up now, d'ye see? +There's the judges going to start the jumping; each rider's got a +ticket with his number on his back. See? The first man's horse don't +seem to care about jumping this afternoon--see how he's dancing about. +Now he's going at it--there, he's cleared it! Now he'll have to jump +the next one! + +[_Keeps up a running fire of these instructive and valuable +observations throughout the proceedings._ + +[Illustration] + +_The Judge of Horseflesh._ Rare good shoulders that one has. + +_The Severe Critic (taking the remark to apply to the horse's rider)._ +H'm, yes--rather--pity he sticks his elbows out quite so much, though. + +[_His Friend regards him in silent astonishment._ + +_Another Competitor clears a fence, but exhibits a considerable amount +of daylight._ + +_The Saturnine Stableman (encouragingly)._ You'll 'ev to set back a +bit next journey, Guv'nor! + +_The Cockney Groom._ 'Orses 'ud jump better if the fences was a bit +'igher. + +_The S. S._ They'll be plenty 'oigh enough fur some on 'em. + +_The Severe Critic._ Ugly seat that fellow has--all anyhow when the +horse jumps. + +_Judge of Horseflesh._ Has he? I didn't notice--I was looking at the +horse. [_Severe Critic feels snubbed._ + +_The S. S. (soothingly, as the Competitor with the loose seat comes +round again)._ That's not good, Guv'nor! + +_The Cockney Groom._ 'Ere's a little bit o' fashion coming down +next--why, there's quite a boy on his back. + +_The S. S._ 'E won't be on 'im long if he don't look out. Cup an' ball +_I_ call it! + +_The Morbid Man._ I suppose there's always a accident o' some sort +before they've finished. + +_First Woman._ Oh, don't, for goodness sake, talk like that--I'm sure +_I_ don't want to see nothing 'appen. + +_Second Woman._ Well, you may make your mind easy--for you won't see +nothing here; you _would_ have it this was the best place to come to! + +_First Woman._ I only said there was no sense in paying extra for the +balcony, when you can go in the area for nothing. + +_Second Woman (snorting)._ Area, indeed! It might be a good deal +airier than what it is, I'm sure--I shall melt if I stay here much +longer. + +_The Morbid Man._ There's one thing about being so close to the jump +as this--if the 'orse jumps sideways--as 'osses will do every now and +then--he'll be right in among us before we know where we are, and then +there'll be a pretty how-de-do! + +_Second Woman (to her Friend)._ Oh, come away, do--it's bad enough to +see nothing, let alone having a great 'orse coming down atop of us, +and me coming out in my best bonnet, too--come away! + +[_They leave._ + +_The Descriptive Man._ Now they're going to make 'em do some +in-and-out jumping, see? they're putting the fences close +together--that'll puzzle some of them--ah, he's over both of 'em; very +clean that one jumps! Over again! He's got to do it all twice, you +see. + +_The Judge of Horseflesh._ Temperate horse, that chestnut. + +_The Severe Critic._ Is he, though?--but I suppose they _have_ to be +here, eh? Not allowed champagne or whiskey or anything before they go +in--like they are on a racecourse? + +_The J. of H._ No, they insist on every horse taking the pledge before +they'll enter him. + +_The Descriptive Man._ Each of 'em's had a turn at the in-and-out jump +now. What's coming next? Oh, the five-barred gate--they're going over +that now, and the stone wall--see them putting the bricks on top? +That's to _raise_ it. + +_The Morbid Man._ None of 'em been off yet; but (_hopefully_) there'll +be a nasty fall or two over this business--there's been many a neck +broke over a lower gate than that. + +_A Competitor clears the gate easily, holding the reins casually in +his right hand._ + +_The J. of H._ That man can ride. + +_The Severe Critic._ Pretty well--not what I call _business_, +though--going over a gate with one hand, like that. + +_The J. of H._ Didn't know you were such an authority. + +_The S. C. (modestly)._ Oh, I can tell when a fellow has a good seat. +I used to ride a good deal at one time. Don't get the chance much +now--worse luck! + +_The J. of H._ Well, I can give you a chance, as it happens. (Severe +Critic _accepts with enthusiasm, and the inward reflection that the +chance is much less likely to come off than he is himself_.) You wait +till the show is over, and they let the horses in for exercise. I know +a man who's got a cob here--regular little devil to go--bucks a bit at +times--but you won't mind that. I'll take you round to the stall, and +get my friend to let you try him on the tan. How will that do you, eh? + +_The Severe Critic (almost speechless with gratitude)._ Oh--er--it +would do me right enough--capital! That is--it would, if I hadn't an +appointment, and had my riding things on, and wasn't feeling rather +out of sorts, and hadn't promised to go home and take my wife in the +Park, and it's her birthday, too, and, then, I've long made it a rule +never to mount a strange horse, and--er--so you understand how it is, +don't you? + +_The J. of H._ Quite, my dear fellow. (_As, for that matter, he has +done from the first._) + +_The Cockney Groom (alluding to a man who is riding at the gate)._ +'Ere's a rough 'un this bloke's on! (_Horse rises at gate; his rider +shouts, "Hoo, over!" and the gate falls amidst general derision._) +Over? Ah, I should just think it was over! + +_The Saturnine Stableman (as horseman passes)._ Yer needn't ha' +"Hoo"'d for that much! + +[_The Small Boy, precariously perched on an immense animal, follows; +his horse, becoming unmanageable, declines the gate, and leaps the +hurdle at the side._ + +_The S. S._ Ah, you're a _artful_ lad, you are--thought you'd take it +where it was easiest, eh?--you'll 'ev to goo back and try agen, you +will. + +_Chorus of Sympathetic Bystanders._ Take him at it again, boy; you're +all right!... Hold him in tighter, my lad.... Let out your reins a +bit! Lor, they didn't ought to let a boy like that ride.... He ain't +no more 'old on that big 'orse than if he was a fly on him!... Keep +his 'ed straighter next time.... Enough to try a boy's nerve! &c., &c. + +[_The Boy takes the horse back, and eventually clears the gate amidst +immense and well-deserved applause._ + +_The Morbid Man (disappointed)._ Well, I fully expected to see 'im +took off on a shutter. + +_The Descriptive Man._ It's the water-jump next--see; that's it in the +middle; there's the water, underneath the hedge; they'll have to clear +the 'ole of that--or else fall in and get a wetting. They've taken all +the horses round to the other entrance--they'll come in from that side +directly. + +[_One of the Judges holds up his stick as a signal; wild shouts of +"Hoy-hoy! Whorr-oosh!" from within, as a Competitor dashes out and +clears hedge and ditch by a foot or two. Deafening applause. A second +horseman rides at it, and lands--if the word is allowable--neatly in +the water. Roars of laughter as he scrambles out._ + +_The Morbid Man._ Call that a brook! It ain't a couple of inches +deep--it's more mud than water! No fear (_he means, "no hope"_) of any +on 'em getting a ducking over that! + +[_And so it turns out; the horses take the jump with more or less +success, but without a single saddle being vacated. The Judges award +a red and blue rosette to the riders of the best and second horses +respectively, and the proceedings terminate for the afternoon amidst +demonstrations of hearty satisfaction from all but_ The Morbid Man, +_who had expected there would have been "more to see._" + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note: + +Sundry missing or damaged punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 289: The caron ^ denotes a following superscript: +"formula: x ([Greek: pi] + y^{n^th}) = y + x - [Greek: pi]/x". + +Page 291: 'Matineé' corrected to 'Matinée': +"Miss Blank will make her first appearance in Juliet at a Matinée". + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, June 21 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33488-8.txt or 33488-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/4/8/33488/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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