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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume 93.
+August 27, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume 93. August 27, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 18, 2010 [EBook #33459]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 93.
+
+  AUGUST 27, 1887.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF SUPPORT.
+
+_A Fragment of a coming Contemporary Romance._
+
+    "Is it possible that Mr. GLADSTONE, not content with having allied
+    himself with the Parnellites, or with having endeavoured to sow
+    jealousies between the component parts of the United Kingdom, is at
+    last endeavouring to purchase the parliamentary support of the
+    South-Eastern Railway? The idea seems almost too humiliating to be
+    entertained; but it is not easy to place any other interpretation
+    upon this new and startling announcement. Can it be conceived that
+    the safety of England ranks as nothing in his estimation when it is
+    brought into competition with the possibility of winning a few votes
+    from the interested supporters of a commercial enterprise?"--_Times._
+
+VOL. I.--THE COMPACT.
+
+IT was on a sultry August evening in the memorable year 1887 that a
+stranger, whose anxious gaze, now and again fixed on the entrance,
+denoted the fact that he was awaiting the arrival of one of the Members,
+crossed and re-crossed the pavement of the Hall of the Reform Club with
+a step that indicated a high condition of nervous trepidation. To the
+casual observer he might have passed for a solicitor in an extreme state
+of irritability. The Hall-Porter, however, who had watched him narrowly,
+had recognised him for who he was. He knew that the restless interloper,
+who had several times peered into his carpet-bag, and examined specimens
+of Channel chalk, and had, when he thought no one was looking, hacked a
+London, Chatham and Dover trains'-bill with his penknife, was no other
+than the famous Sir EDWARD WATKIN, the then Chairman of the
+South-Eastern Railway Company. He approached him.
+
+"He won't be long," he said, intuitively guessing the object of his
+visit, and addressing him kindly. "Ha! hark! Here he comes!" He had
+scarcely spoken, when a roaring cheer, borne on the sweet evening air,
+broke the comparative silence of the street outside, and in another
+minute a surging and struggling mob, who were shouting themselves
+hoarse, had deposited safely from their shoulders, on the door-step of
+the Club, their great hero and idol, whom they had thus, as was their
+wont, nightly carried in triumph from the House.
+
+The ex-Premier, for indeed the buoyant bearing, the high shirt-collar,
+and the contagious enthusiasm of the new arrival proclaimed his identity
+at once, dashed up the steps three at a time, and, waving a radiant
+farewell of thanks to the crowd, bounded into the Hall, where, seeing
+the stranger, he instantly seized him by the arm, and hurriedly led him
+to a recess.
+
+"This is very good and genial of you, my dear Sir EDWARD," he commenced.
+
+The other eyed him cautiously. "You wanted to see me?" he rejoined,
+sulkily.
+
+"Yes, indeed!" was the brisk reply. "I wished to tell you that, as you
+had been wicked enough,--ha! ha!--to conceive the idea of uniting
+England and France by a Tunnel, I had been wicked enough also to
+determine to help you to do it. Ha! ha!" He laughed long and loud. His
+interlocutor stared at him for a few moments aghast. Then he clutched
+him.
+
+"You mean this?" he asked, growing pale with excitement as he spoke.
+"You mean that you will vote for the Bill?"
+
+"Not only vote for the Bill, but make it a Government measure." As he
+spoke he was interrupted by a commotion in Pall Mall. Some Junior
+Members of the Carlton were by way of a practical joke, common enough at
+this season, dropping a Unionist Liberal out of the first-floor windows
+into the area, and their merriment over the exploit resounded loudly
+down the street. The ex-Premier heard it and a wonderful smile played
+upon his almost beautiful features. "You see, they are going to pieces
+next door," he added exultingly, "I shall be in in a few weeks, nothing
+can stop me; and then, I give you my word, you shall have your Tunnel."
+
+The other approached him. There was a curious look in his eye. "You have
+your price?" he asked. "Name it," he added under his breath, glancing
+around him furtively to see they were not overheard.
+
+The great Statesman winked knowingly. "Merely the South-Eastern vote,"
+he whispered. "Come, is it a bargain at that?"
+
+"Done!" was the quick rejoinder. They grasped hands.
+
+"Show this gentleman to a four-wheeler," said the ex-Premier.
+
+So they parted. But as the Grand Old Politician turned towards the
+supper-room there was a fine triumphant lustre beaming in his eye, for
+he knew, that if he had possibly betrayed his country, he had at least
+squared the Railway Company. He had made the _compact_!
+
+VOL. II.--PAID IN FULL.
+
+The country was about to face a great crisis in its history. Yet, as the
+year 1894 opened, there were little evidences of the approaching storm.
+It is true that the Gladstone Cabinet were still in power, and were
+passing exasperating measures. But this was nothing new. Last year they
+had abolished Compulsory Vaccination, and had passed the Country Estates
+Popular Appropriation Act. They had inaugurated the first Session of the
+present one by suppressing the Volunteer Movement, and cutting down the
+Naval and Military votes respectively to the modest figure of £2,000,000
+a year; and they pointed to the Channel Tunnel, now opened about sixteen
+months, for a triumphant vindication of these Imperial economies. They
+argued that a country that could pour a perpetual stream of Cook's
+Tourists night and day over to the Continent, had given a guarantee for
+preserving International peace such as would warrant it in reducing the
+expense for its defences to a pecuniary minimum; and, though they met
+with some opposition from the Permanent Departments, and were hotly
+criticised by an angry mob of naval and military men, who found
+themselves, at a moment's notice, both thrown out of work, and deprived
+of their pay, they, nevertheless, carried their point, and effected the
+proposed reductions. But a thunder-clap was about to fall upon the
+unsuspecting country from a blue sky, and the Channel Tunnel, which had
+inspired its misguided leaders with a baseless confidence, was destined
+to inflict the shock.
+
+It became known in London suddenly on the morning of the Tuesday in the
+Easter Recess that the approaches to the Tunnel had been suddenly seized
+by a hostile French force that had landed by the night-mail disguised as
+tourists, and that the key of the apparatus destined to flood it in any
+case of emergency, was not forthcoming, the Chairman of the Company, who
+had charge of it, having suddenly disappeared without leaving his
+address. It was also further rumoured that the guns commanding the
+shore-exit had been spiked by active Shareholders anxious to protect
+their property from destruction at all hazards, and were useless. When,
+therefore at eleven o'clock, the second edition of the morning papers
+announced that a French army was pouring through the Tunnel, and
+occupying the neighbouring heights, at the rate of ten thousand men an
+hour, the panic became indescribable. Nor did it diminish when it was
+further known that the French Ambassador, leaving a threatening
+ultimatum behind him, had that afternoon taken his departure for Paris.
+The country flew to arms. Sir ARCHIBALD HARRISON hastily collected the
+available force at Aldershot, and took up his position on the Hog's
+Back, and awaited the approach of the enemy with 213 men, all told, and
+three guns. They took no notice of him. At twelve the following day it
+was known that the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, falling back on Sydenham, in
+command of a handful of Volunteers and a squadron of the Household
+Cavalry hurriedly got together, had capitulated in the Refreshment
+Department.
+
+The details of the disaster spread like wildfire. The consternation was
+terrific. The LORD MAYOR went into hysterics, and was, by common
+consent, removed to Colney Hatch, while an angry mob invaded the War
+Office, and seizing any members of the Ordnance Committee they could lay
+hold of, forthwith dragged them out, and lynched them in Pall Mall. That
+same evening a French army, 350,000 strong, entered London in triumph.
+
+A few outrages marked this occupation. The Nelson Column was thrown
+down, Waterloo Bridge blown up, Piccadilly re-christened the Rue
+Boulanger, and the whole of Madame TUSSAUD'S Collection seized as
+National property.
+
+So matters stood, but the cutting off of the food supply, thirty
+shillings being charged at a West-End Club for a plate of indifferent
+tinned-rabbit, soon brought matters to a crisis. The Cabinet that at the
+first approach of the enemy, had instantly retired to the Island of
+Lewis, came cautiously up to town and opening negotiations for peace
+with the French Government, finally signed the Tottenham Court Road
+treaty, and provided for the evacuation of the country by the invader.
+The terms were stringent and somewhat severe. In addition to agreeing to
+the cession of India, Australia, the Cape, Canada and all her
+Mediterranean possessions, together with the division of her Fleet among
+the Navies of Europe, England undertook to pay an indemnity in ready
+money at the Bank of England of five-hundred millions sterling.
+
+       * * *
+
+As a cordon of French troops was keeping back the sullen crowd that
+thronged the space in front of the Royal Exchange and watched the
+waggons heavily laden with the bullion that was about to be transferred
+to the South-Eastern Railway for transmission to France, a tall, elastic
+figure wearing a high shirt-collar, pushed eagerly up the steps of the
+Mansion House, and gazed reflectively at the scene that was being
+enacted below. Presently some one touched it. It turned.
+
+"Ha! Sir EDWARD," was the bright recognition, "who would ever have
+thought of meeting you again, and who would ever have conceived," the
+cheery voice continued, "that our little compact should have ended in
+this!" The speaker pointed with a significant smile to the waggons of
+bullion lumbering beneath. "Well," responded the other with a suggestive
+dryness, "my support got you into power at any rate!"
+
+A marvellous brightness overspread the features of his interlocutor.
+"Yes, it did," he replied, "and though I am quite confident that
+posterity will say it was worth the price, I see," he added airily,
+waving his hand in the direction of the Bank, "that at the present
+moment it is apparently being _paid in full_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REMARKS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNANSWERED.
+
+"WELL, GOOD-BYE, DEAR MRS. JONES. I'M AFRAID I'VE PUT YOU OUT BY CALLING
+AT THIS UNEARTHLY HOUR."
+
+"OH, I HOPE I DIDN'T SHOW IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SALUBRITIES ABROAD.
+
+_Hotel Continental, Royat._--Our party here (which, somehow or another,
+PULLER has contrived to get together and introduce to each other by the
+simple means of inducing M. HALL to give us a room to ourselves for a
+small _table-d'hôte_ at the un-Royat-like hour of 7.30) consists of La
+Contessa CASANOVA, the English wife of an Italian merchant, the head of
+a large house of business in London--she is Marchesa or Contessa, I am
+not certain which, but PULLER styles her _Miladi_ and _Madame_. She is
+devoted to the serious Drama, and her pet subject is SALVINI in
+_Othello_. Her daughter, an elegant young English girl, lively, amusing,
+and with a bias in favour of the very lightest forms of theatrical
+entertainment.
+
+Then we have Madame METTERBRUN and her daughters, Anglo-Germans,
+thorough musicians, with WAGNER at their fingers' ends,--literally, as
+they are accomplished pianists. There is Mrs. DINDERLIN, who was here
+last year, and is taking the waters seriously, and who knows when to put
+in the right word at the right moment. Cousin JANE who is taking the
+waters still more seriously and who is an excellent listener: myself an
+impartial referee: and PULLER the Solicitor out for a holiday, who is
+alternately in the highest of spirits or the lowest depths of
+depression, according as the waters and weather affect him. Outside our
+party there are others whom I meet occasionally, consisting of the lady
+who finds fault with everything French, the gentleman who laughs at
+everything French, the grumbler whom nothing satisfies, the contented
+man who is pleased with everything, the man who after being here a day
+is intensely bored, the man who from the moment of his arrival is always
+studying Guide-books and _indicateurs_ to see what is the best and
+easiest way of getting away again: the patient who has come all the way
+here to see the Doctor and then refuses to do anything he tells him: the
+patient who has come to find out what on earth is the matter with him:
+the man who doctors himself, and two or three ladies of my acquaintance
+of whom I only catch occasional glimpses as they issue from Sedan-chairs
+or muffled up like the Turkish women, merely recognise me with their
+eyes, incline their heads and pass on their way with a little
+drinking-glass in their hands.
+
+To me Royat is an amusing place: it is certainly a pretty one, and its
+waters in most cases are decidedly of lasting benefit. What those "most
+cases" are, the patients themselves best know.
+
+       * * *
+
+For expanse there is nothing like the sea, and for grandeur the snow
+mountains. Unless I go up to the Puy de Dôme--which I do not mean to do,
+for I have been up there once, and never, never, never will go there
+again--I cannot see either. And even from the top of the Puy you can
+only discern the sea, or Mont Blanc, with a very good glass, on a very
+clear day.
+
+       * * *
+
+M. BOISGOBEY'S description of a Parisian Club in his latest book (I
+delight in BOISGOBEY now that there is no GABORIAU) called
+_Grippe-Soleil_ will amuse London Club members. The only two Clubs in
+Paris I ever saw were not a bit like BOISGOBEY'S description.
+
+       * * *
+
+When anyone who has been under treatment a week, unexpectedly meets a
+friend here, he stops short, stares at him, examines him from head to
+foot, and then exclaims, in a tone of utter astonishment, "What!! _you_
+here!!" as if the new arrival were either an intruder or a lunatic. The
+person thus addressed immediately retorts in an injured tone, "Well,
+what on earth are you here for?" and then he adds maliciously, "there
+doesn't seem to be much the matter with _you_." Now to say this is to
+utter your deliberate opinion that the person you are addressing is at
+Royat (or any other Salubrity Abroad wherever it may be) under the false
+pretence of being an invalid, and is therefore, to put it plainly, a
+shammer, an impostor.
+
+       * * *
+
+After this greeting, explanations follow. The first man has to prove his
+right to be at Royat, and the second man has to admit the evidence to be
+incontestable, on the condition, implied but not expressed, of his own
+case being taken as thoroughly warranting his taking the baths and
+_traitement_ generally at Royat.
+
+       * * *
+
+Then comes the question of Doctors. "Who shall decide when Doctors
+disagree?"--but who shall decide when patients disagree about Doctors?
+"Whom do you go to?" asks the suffering SMITH of the invalid Brown.
+"Well," says BROWN, apologetically,--because he is not sure, this being
+his first visit, that he might not have gone to a better man, "I go to
+Dr. CHOSE," and noticing the astonishment depicted on his friend's face,
+he hastens to explain, "SQUILLS sent me to him." The suffering SMITH
+professes himself puzzled to know why on earth SQUILLS always sends his
+patients to CHOSE. "Dr. REM'S the man for you, my boy," says SMITH. But
+BROWN feels that he is in the toils of SQUILLS, and that it would not be
+fair to him or to CHOSE, if he suddenly left the latter and sought the
+advice of Dr. REM, on the sole recommendation of SMITH who, after all,
+is not a professional.
+
+       * * *
+
+Then two _habitués_ meet. "I always go to CHOSE," says eczematic JONES,
+dogmatically, "first-rate fellow, CHOSE. All the French go to him.
+_They_ know." "Ah!" returns gouty ROBINSON, with conviction, "I never
+have been to anyone but REM. He's the chap. All the English go to him.
+Best man in Royat." And if it weren't the hour for one of them to go and
+drink Eugénie water, and for the other to take his second glass of St.
+Mart, they would have a row and come to blows.
+
+       * * *
+
+PULLER tells me that there's one London Doctor, describing himself as a
+Gynæcologist ("A guinea-cologist," parenthetically remarks PULLER), who
+always sends his patients here. I think he says his name is Dr. BARNES.
+"He sends so many," says PULLER, "that I propose changing the name of
+the place from Royat-les-Bains into Royat-les-Barnes." I see why he
+introduced the name of BARNES. Fortunately he is so delighted with this
+_jeu de mot_, which I fancy I've heard before, that he is off to tell
+his friends in the Parc, and, as I pass a group, I overhear him
+explaining the point of it to a French lady and her husband, with whom
+he has a speaking acquaintance. For PULLER likes what he calls "airing
+his French," and is not a bit shy.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Band is performing another new tune! How is this? I can account for
+it. It rained nearly all yesterday, and so the musicians didn't come
+out. How did they occupy themselves? In rehearsal. Well here's one good
+effect of rain at Royat, it brings out the new tunes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL PARALLELS. No. 2.
+
+THE LORDLY CECIL ENTERTAINS HIS SOVEREIGN. HATFIELD, 1573 AND 1887.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Pretty Plate to Set Before the Queen.
+
+    "The Queen's Plates are henceforth to be devoted to improving the
+    breed of horses."
+
+  A MOST wise change that sense for long has wished,
+  But, Phoebus! how the "Platers" will be dished!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INVITATION.
+
+(_To a well-known Air._)
+
+    "Mr. FREDERICK MAUDE, Honorary Secretary of the 'Liberal Union,' has
+    resigned that post in consequence of his disapproval of the attitude
+    taken up by the leaders of the 'Liberal Unionist' party towards the
+    leaders of the Liberal party, and of his inability to support the
+    programme of a Tory Government."
+
+  COME back to Hawarden, MAUDE,
+    For the Tory black flag's flown!
+  Come back to Hawarden, MAUDE,
+    Leave HARTY and JOE alone;
+  For the Government plainly is all abroad,
+    And the Unionist game is blown.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "CHEF DOUVRES."--The L. C. & D.'s new steamer _Empress_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL IN PLAY.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Town is supposed to be empty, except of the poor
+persons who are forced to attend the Houses of Parliament, and the
+toiling millions of the East End, who are, however, of no account in the
+West. In spite of this dearth of population, the Gaiety (which I
+attended on your behalf, looking and feeling as much like you as I
+possibly could) was very full on the first night of _Loyal Love_, a play
+which has apparently been put upon the stage for the personal and
+exclusive benefit of Mrs. BROWN-POTTER.
+
+[Illustration: Saved by the Bottle.]
+
+Certainly this talented lady has vastly improved since she made her
+first appearance in _Man and Wife_, and has only to continue at the same
+rate of progress to become in a very short time a really admirable
+actress. _Loyal Love_ is rather a foolish piece, and reminded me equally
+of the _Lady of Lyons_, _Romeo and Juliet_, and _Box and Cox_. The plot
+was feeble in the extreme; and had not Mrs. BROWN-POTTER made a decided
+point by calling a rude and ancient king, who _would_ wear his hat in
+the presence of ladies, "Old Man," I really think the performance would
+have fallen rather flat. As it was, the phrase (which was accepted by
+the "first-nighters" as a colloquial "Americanism") put everyone in good
+humour, and the last Act, with its amusing mock poisonings, and comical
+arrests and counter-arrests, went with every token of genial
+satisfaction. By the way, the "bottle trick" (by which poison is turned
+into wine) should be treated more avowedly in a spirit of burlesque.
+Were a decanter of pantomimic proportions introduced, the effect would
+be excellent. _Loyal Love_ is not a good name for this funny little--it
+is only in four Acts--play. It is a pity, as the hero and heroine are
+always declaring that they would like to live and die together on a
+desert island, that it was not called _Mr. and Mrs. Robinson Crusoe_,
+with an explanatory subtitle of the _Purposeless Plotter, the
+Death-Dealing Wine-Cellar, and the Grand Old King_.
+
+[Illustration: Heroic Proportions.]
+
+At the Adelphi a new and original drama called _The Bells of Haslemere_,
+has been produced amidst the enthusiastic applause of the entire Press.
+I am sorry to say I was a little disappointed. No doubt my expectations
+had been unduly raised by the "notices." It appeared to me that there
+was nothing absolutely and entirely new and original in the play, save a
+series of hats worn by Mr. JOHN BEAUCHAMP in the character of a
+fraudulent trustee. However, it is only just to say that the _chapeaux
+of Joseph Thorndyke_ were unique. Had they been produced as "exhibits"
+to an affidavit read during a summons heard before one of the Chief
+Clerks in the Chancery Division of the High Court of Justice, they must
+have assisted materially in rendering virtue triumphant, ay, with or
+without an appeal to the Judge. One of the authors of the piece, Mr.
+SYDNEY GRUNDY, is a well-known barrister, and no doubt the legal
+training of this learned gentleman suggested their most appropriate
+introduction. _Joseph Thorndyke_ uncovered, might have been faithful to
+his _cestui que_ trust, but _in_ his hat he could only have
+proved--what, alas! he was--a fraudulent trustee. Mr. TERRISS as _Frank
+Beresford_, bore a striking resemblance to the naval lieutenant in the
+_Harbour Lights_ whose escape from one action (on board ship) to defend
+another (in a police court) roused the enthusiasm of the pit and gallery
+for so many hundred nights, and Miss MILLWARD in both pieces was much
+about the same individual. But in spite of this conventionality, the
+play was decidedly interesting to the audience, who filled the cheaper
+parts of the house. In fact I am inclined to believe that the critics
+are right, and that _The Bells_ will ring for any number of nights. The
+scenery was admirable, and I should like to see it again. I am not quite
+so sure that anything else in the drama would induce me to pay the
+Adelphi a second visit. Stay, I think I should like to bestow another
+glance on Mr. BEAUCHAMP'S hats. I am all but certain, that from a
+fraudulent-trustee-point-of-view, they are absolutely faultless,--yes,
+absolutely faultless.
+
+[Illustration: A Hat(e)ful Character.]
+
+The Crystal Palace, now that the new Bill is on the fair road to become
+law, seemingly has taken a fresh lease of popularity. The evening
+_fêtes_ are a great feature, and jaded Londoners can scarcely do better
+than to take a train from Victoria or St. Paul's, and spend a pleasant
+couple of twilight hours amidst the lamps and (on Thursdays) the
+fireworks. In the daytime there is always an excellent panorama, and
+frequently a successful play performed by its original London company.
+This last has always a charm for
+
+  Yours most truly,
+
+  ONE WHO HAS GONE TO PIECES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADAM SLAUGHTERMAN.[A]
+
+_By Walker Weird, Author of "Hee Hee," "Solomon's Ewers," &c._
+
+[Illustration: very Sincerely yours Adam Slaughterman]
+
+CHAPTER I.--BLOOD RELATIONS.
+
+"IT is very kind of you to come round," I said, to my two friends, Sir
+HARRY and BONG, as they threw themselves violently into two arm-chairs
+(which almost broke under the brutal force of their descent), and
+emptied two casks of whiskey.
+
+As I looked at Sir HARRY, with his wide shoulders and deeper chest, I
+could not help thinking what a curious contrast I was to him, with my
+head of grizzled hair cut short and starting up like a half-worn
+scrubbing-brush. Then there was BONG, who is not like either of us,
+being short, dark, stout,--_very_ stout,--with twinkling black eyes
+everlastingly hidden by blue spectacles.
+
+"Look here, old fellow," said Sir HARRY, "why shouldn't we give up
+civilisation, and go in for the mud--I mean blood--baths in South
+Africa?"
+
+I fairly jumped at his words.
+
+"Nothing I should like better. And you, BONG?"
+
+BONG is so overpoweringly frivolous.
+
+"I'll go, because I am getting fat."
+
+"Shut up, BONG," said Sir HARRY, and then we screamed at the witticism
+for three hours. After that we started for Africa, in search of the land
+of the White-eyed Kaffirs, which we believed to be somewhere south of
+the Westminster Aquarium, the Alhambra, and other Music-Halls in which a
+specimen of the race had occasionally been seen.
+
+On our arrival in Africa we found our old friend, UMBUGSOAPYGAS, with
+his huge battle-axe (playfully called Kosikutums or "the brain-pricker,"
+from a habit he had of chipping life out of a man's cranium), awaiting
+us. He was a huge savage, with a large piece of loose skin concealing
+the right side of his face, which was absolutely boneless. UMBUGSOAPYGAS
+was delighted to see us.
+
+"O cove, O cove-dat-am-cool!"--(Oh individual, oh individual without the
+influence of passion!)--"brave one, great one! Let me come with thee to
+swim in gore!"
+
+I let him say this, as I saw his enthusiasm was producing a marked
+effect upon the minds of some niggers that were listening to him. But
+after he had said it, I thought it better to stop his vapouring;
+for there is nothing I hate so much, as this Zulu system of extravagant
+praising--"zwaggering," as they call it.
+
+"Shut up!" I cried, the more especially as I saw that he was getting the
+blood-fever upon him, and savagely destroying with his huge axe a
+spider's cobweb.
+
+He gave me a sort of nod, and seized the niggers by their throats until
+their eyes cracked. Then, with roars of laughter (for they really looked
+most ridiculous), we followed the blacks into the boat, and went to the
+Mission House of the Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE, without any further adventure
+than cutting off at the wrist the hand of one of the murderous tribe of
+Lorkymussies.
+
+CHAPTER II.--MISSION WORK IN SOUTH AFRICA.
+
+The Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE and his wife and child lived in great comfort
+amidst the people they had taught so carefully. I do not quite know what
+the educational curriculum happened to be, but no doubt it would have
+merited the approval of the London School Board. They had a French cook,
+called ADOLPHE, who seemingly had been obtained from a travelling Circus
+that no doubt had passed the Mission House in the course of a provincial
+tour.
+
+"Oh, the monster! See the horrible man. He is a Mister Black," said
+ADOLPHE, looking at UMBUGSOAPYGAS. The savage in a moment had dragged
+out the little Frenchman's eyes, thrown them high in the air, rubbed
+them in salt, and replaced them in their sockets. BONG, Sir HARRY, and I
+could not help laughing.
+
+A little later we were called in by Mrs. BANG MCSAXPENCE, and soon were
+enjoying a really good cup of tea, I was putting forth my hand for a
+fresh supply, when the breakfast-things were knocked over by a head
+freshly severed from the trunk.
+
+"Rough and _reddy_!" I suggested, with a laugh.
+
+"Another carpet spoiled!" said gentle Mrs. MCSAXPENCE, trying to wipe
+out the deep crimson stain.
+
+"This is serious," observed the Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE arming himself with
+a carving-knife, "the Lorkymussies are upon us. And, to cause me greater
+annoyance, they have kidnapped my daughter TOTTIE."
+
+This turned out to be the case, and although we could not help smiling
+at the notion of a fair-haired little girl being at the mercy of some
+clumsy, tomahawking, brutal cannibals, we felt very sorry for the
+bereaved father.
+
+We started. The first victim was a sentinel. UMBUGSOAPYGAS clutched him
+by the throat and pulling his head back, tore it off with a crack, like
+the popping of a soda-water cork. Then we were upon them. There were
+yells, crashes, and blood all over the place. The "Brain-pricker" was
+here there and everywhere, scooping out brains just like a cheese-scoop
+scoops out cheese to be tasted by the customers of a London butterman.
+It really was all very amusing, and in spite of our servants being
+absolutely cut to pieces, we were in the gayest spirits imaginable. That
+all should end happily, who should turn up at the last moment but
+TOTTIE, with a little pail into which the dear child had poured the
+heart's blood of some of her persecutors.
+
+"I shot six of them with my own little revolver," said the interesting
+infant, as I stroked her golden-hair with my crimson-coloured fingers;
+"wasn't it clever of me?"
+
+We had a very good lunch, the _poulet à la Portugaise_ of ADOLPHE being
+particularly worthy of a second helping. After this meal was over, I
+went to the Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE, and taking him by the arm, observed,
+"I really think you ought to give up this sort of life. You see you owe
+a duty to your wife and daughter--especially the latter, who, if she
+does not receive any education, and only mixes with bloodthirsty
+cannibals, may grow up wild, shunning her kind."
+
+"You are right, SLAUGHTERMAN," replied the Minister, straightening his
+carving-knife, which since the night before had severed many a human
+rib. "I made up my mind to it this very morning, just before I began my
+hacking and slaying. I won't risk another fight, but leave it to a
+younger Clergyman. And besides, between you and me, I am well off. It is
+thirty thousand pounds I am worth to-day, and every farthing of it made
+by honest trade, and savings in the bank at Zanzibar--for living costs
+me here next to nothing."
+
+"You are right."
+
+"I am sure of it," answered the Clergyman. "I will turn my back upon
+this place in a month. But it will be a wrench--it will be a wrench."[B]
+
+CHAPTER III.--WATER ON THE BRAIN.
+
+We left the Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE (whose successor, by the way, was
+killed and eaten six weeks later), taking with us the little ADOLPHE (a
+most invaluable butt for our buffooneries), and voyaged into the
+Unknown. We got into a boat, and throwing overboard some niggers to pick
+up dead swans, they were immediately (much to our amusement) drowned.
+This made us think, and we came to the conclusion that they must have
+been carried to death by a current. In a moment our canoe began to fly
+along as if seized with a mighty hand, and we were in a tunnel. The
+water hurried us along, and we had scarcely time to notice that we were
+passing now "Baker Street Station," now "Portland Road," now "King's
+Cross," when we were close to a gigantic lily of fire that nearly
+roasted us. We passed, got to some rocks, and were trying to get a cab,
+or at least a fly, when we suddenly came across a number of spiders.
+They were dreadful creatures. They foamed at the mouth, screamed at one
+another, and devoured their invalid relations.
+
+Here I should like to pause to write something _really_ terrible about
+these spiders, but must hurry on, as there is still a deal of killing to
+be done before I get to the end of my narrative. Enough to say I may
+return to those spiders some of these days, and out of their webs spin a
+three-volume novel of unusual grimness and humour.
+
+Shortly after this we emerged from the tunnel (passing by a place called
+Gloucester Road), and found ourselves in the land of the White-eyed
+Kaffirs.[C]
+
+CHAPTER IV.--QUITE KILLING.
+
+The country we now occupied was called New Pendy--no doubt because it
+had never been written about before. It is not very necessary to
+describe the lands or the people; and really the most remarkable thing
+in the place was a staircase, of a very wonderful character. Let the
+reader imagine, if he can, a splendid stairway, sixty-five feet from
+balustrade to balustrade, consisting of two vast flights, each of one
+hundred and twenty-five steps, of eight inches in height, by three feet
+broad, connected by a flat resting-place sixty feet in length, and
+running from the palace wall, on the edge of the precipice down to meet
+a waterway or canal cut to its foot from the river. This was the great
+staircase, the magnificence of which fairly took our breath away.[D]
+
+Having described the staircase, it is only necessary to say that the New
+Pendies were governed by two Queens, one of whom fell in love with Sir
+HARRY and married him, quarrelled with her sister, and engaged in a
+civil war which rent the country in twain. This naturally occasioned a
+good deal of bloodshed. Never shall I forget the manner in which
+TRYLEAPYEA (the lady who honoured Sir HARRY with her preference) wooed
+that individual. When they first met they could not speak the same
+language, so she took a pencil from me and made a delightful little
+sketch, which I give in the margin. There is no difficulty in
+recognising a bride expressing admiration at a wedding-cake.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       * * *
+
+Need I say that after her marriage TRYLEAPYEA'S subjects had the most
+terrible fight with the subjects of her sister SARAMARIAH, which was
+chiefly waged on the staircase. This happened after I and UMBUGSOAPYGAS
+had performed together a kind of "Turpin's Ride to York," from the
+battlefield. ADOLPHE escaped to post these memoirs--UMBUGSOAPYGAS was
+cut to pieces. Sir HENRY and BONG in his blue spectacles, were kept for
+ever in the New Pendy country, and, finally, I myself was killed,
+funeralled, and cremated.[E]
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[A] _Editor._ Surely I have heard this title before, or one very similar
+to it?
+
+_Author._ No, I think not.
+
+[B] _Editor._ Surely I have read this conversation, almost word for
+word, somewhere?
+
+_Author._ No, I think not.
+
+[C] _Editor._ The description of the tunnel seems to have some reference
+to a recent flooding of the Metropolitan Railway?
+
+_Author._ No, I think not.
+
+[D] _Editor._ Surely I have read this wonderfully graphic description of
+a flight of steps somewhere before?
+
+_Author._ No, I think not.
+
+[E] _Author._ Stop, stop, this is disgraceful! Why into about a dozen
+lines you have compressed two-thirds of my story! I had pages, and
+pages, and pages of slaughter! If you do not print them in full, I am
+sure the public will be disappointed!
+
+_Editor._ No, I think not!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RISE IN BALLOONS.--It would seem that Aërostation, with an eye to
+affairs, has at length advanced to a possibility within the range of
+practical enterprise. Messrs. JOVIS and MALLET, in their late balloon
+ascent from Paris, were accompanied by two Guinea-Pigs. Had these
+partakers of their voyage been deputed to attend that expedition in the
+interest, as Directors, of an Aërial Navigation Company? And did they,
+in their official capacity, get the customary guineas, and enjoy the
+lunch provided as usual for their refreshment in the discharge of their
+arduous duties? If so, of course, it can't be said that a balloon was a
+place where those Guinea-Pigs had no business. The Balloon also
+contained two Pigeons; but these perhaps were birds of a different
+feather from Shareholders in a Joint-Stock speculation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GETTING OUT OF IT.
+
+"WHERE _ARE_ YOU GOING, GEORGE? THE OMNIBUS WILL BE HERE DIRECTLY, AND
+WE'RE ALL READY TO START."
+
+"YES, DEAREST! A--I FORGOT TO TELL YOU--I WAS TO MEET BROWN AT THE CLUB
+ABOUT _THOSE SHARES_, YOU KNOW, _UNLESS HE TELEGRAPHED TO THE CONTRARY_.
+MOST _IMPORTANT_! BUT DON'T TROUBLE ABOUT ME--I'LL GET DOWN BY A LATER
+TRAIN, IN TIME FOR SUPPER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "GOOD GUN."
+
+[Illustration: A "GOOD GUN."
+
+S-L-SB-RY. "I SAY, OLD FELLOW, I WISH YOU'D COME AND JOIN US, AFTER
+LUNCH!!"
+
+H-RT-NGT-N. "WELL--ER--FACT IS--I'M WAITING TO SEE IF MY PARTY'S COMING
+UP!!"]
+
+       * * *
+
+SCENE--_The Moors. A Shooting Party at Lunch._
+
+_Sm-th (throwing himself down)._ Oh! I am so tired!
+
+_B-lf-r (stretching himself languidly)._ So am I!
+
+_Sm-th._ Oh, _you_ are _always_ tired, aren't you? Look so, anyhow.
+Haven't been exerting yourself much, so far as I have seen, up to now.
+
+_B-lf-r._ My dear fellow, you have yet to learn that hurry is not pace,
+and that fuss is not business.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry._ Well, boys, don't squabble, but lunch. We've _all_ done
+pretty badly, up to now, and unless we do better before
+sundown,----[_Sighs and sips._
+
+_Sm-th (sorrowfully)._ Yes, that's very true. [_Sips and sighs._
+
+_B-lf-r._ Well, I'm glad it's lunch-time anyhow, for I'm fairly baked.
+
+_Sm-th._ Nip of Irish, B.?
+
+_B-lf-r._ Irish be--_proclaimed_! Sick of the very name of Irish. _Do_
+let's forget it for awhile, and hand me the J. J., there's a good
+fellow.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry (musing)._ Humph! Pretty pair of Sportsmen! Empty rotundity,
+and linked languor long drawn out. Wonder what DIZZY would have thought
+of such a pair of guns, especially of "his successor." _Tracy Tupman_
+emulating _Mr. Winkle_.
+
+_Sm-th._ Eh? What? Beg pardon, S-L-SB-RY, I'm _not_ forty-winking.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry._ Not at all, not at all. I was--ahem!--saying what a
+_Winkle_--ah--M-TTH-WS is!
+
+_B-lf-r (disgustedly)._ Oh, M-TTH-WS! Missed every bird he's tried at.
+Pity all burglars are not as bad shots as he. Couldn't hit a constable
+at ten yards.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry (drily)._ Not if he _tried_. I never feel safe at twenty. If
+he hasn't peppered us all round, it isn't _his_ fault.
+
+_Sm-th._ And--ahem--G-SCH-N hasn't turned out _quite_ the success we
+expected, eh? That last miss of his was rather a bad one.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry._ Humph! perhaps. Still, I wish he'd brought one or two of
+his friends with him.
+
+_B-lf-r._ Well, perhaps they'll join us later on.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry (aside)._ I _hope_ so. Not much prospect of a decent bag if
+they don't, I fear. Fact is, my party this year's a failure. Scarcely a
+good gun among them. Finest and largest shooting-ground we've had for
+years, and _yet_ we can't make a bag. Adjoining Moor supposed to be an
+absolute failure, and yet the party who've taken it--on most Liberal
+terms I hear, and with little hope of good sport--are picking up birds
+like fun. Pop, pop, pop, pop! and every bang a bird. Old G. getting
+quite cock-a-whoop about it. Fancies he'll top us at the end of the
+shoot. Quite wrong, of course. Now that, at last, we've really dropped
+upon that rascally gang of Irish poachers who had leagued themselves
+together to play the mischief with our Moor, I guess we shall astonish
+G.'s party a trifle. _They_ wink at the poaching Paddies. Most
+unsportsmanlike conduct I ever heard of. What'll they do, _now_, I
+wonder? Still we can't afford to go on muffing and missing _too_ long.
+Bang! There goes another. And one of our birds, too, I'll be bound.
+Hillo! by Jove, there's H-RT-NGT-N, sauntering this way, and by himself,
+too. Something like a shot, _he_ is, and, if he'd join us--well, well,
+we shall see. Looks, as usual, as though he didn't care a single tomtit
+for things in general, and shooting in particular. Often lets a bird go
+from sheer indifference, but seldom misses one from lack of skill. Sure
+he can't be comfortable with _that_ lot--indeed, he owns it. And they
+don't like his friendliness with us. Why can't he join us, and have done
+with it?
+
+_H-rt-ngt-n (approaching)._ Ah! there they are. And a jolly lot of
+Sportsmen they look. Poor S-L-SB-RY, I pity him. Ought to have swept the
+Moors. Birds plentiful, and lots of guns. But no shots. Doosed awkward.
+Know what it is to shoot with a party one doesn't get on with. Our party
+not the right sort now; awfully mixed--doesn't suit me a bit. G. has let
+in too many outsiders. If they'd rally round me now, and let me pick
+'em! But the picked rallyers are so precious few, and the rest, instead
+of closing up to me, seem to be tailing off after GL-DST-NE, somehow,
+confound 'em! One _Ch-mb-rl-n_ doesn't make a shooting party, even
+with BR-GHT thrown in. Don't want to shoot against S-L-SB-RY, though,
+I'm sure. Much rather drive the birds his way. But join him!--humph!
+
+_S-l-sb-ry (hailing)._ Hillo, H-RT-NGT-N, old man, how are you? All
+alone? Where's your party?
+
+_H-rt-ngt-n._ Oh! they're along behind there, somewhere. How are _you_
+getting on?
+
+_S-l-sb-ry._ Oh, pre-e-t-ty well--considering. Hardly got our hands in
+yet,--some of us (_significantly_). Birds a bit shy, too. But we shall
+get among them presently, and then!----(_sotto voce_). I say old
+fellow, why don't you join us--after lunch? _Capital_ shooting-ground,
+but, ahem!--some of our fellows a _leetle_ wild, and one or two regular
+cockneys. I wan't a real good gun or two badly, and then we should be
+safe for a splendid bag. (_Aloud._) Come, old fellow, what do you say?
+
+_H-rt-ngt-n._ Tha-a-nks. Awfully kind, I'm sure. But--ah--fact is, I'm
+just waiting to see if my Party's coming up. [_Left waiting._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY STATION PUZZLE. TO FIND A SEAT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RICHARD JEFFERIES.
+
+  LOVER of Nature, whom her lovers love,
+    Those who were dear to thee to them are dear:
+  The world's hard way to lift their lives above
+    Is a clear duty, welcome as 'tis clear.
+  And if for every page of pure delight,
+    Those fine and faithful fingers wrought for all,
+  There came the slenderest gift, the poorest mite,
+    More lightly on those stricken hearts might fall,
+  The weight of sore bereavement, hard to bear,
+  E'en when, as here, all men its sorrow share.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OGRES IN DAIRYLAND.--Everybody has heard of Fairy Rings, which have a
+sweetly Arcadian sound. But "_Dairy_ Rings" do not savour of Arcadia,
+save, perchance, in the sense suggested by the stock quotation,
+"_Arcades ambo_--blackguards both." The function of "Dairy Rings," it
+seems, is artificially and injuriously to keep up the cost of produce.
+Not until they are broken up will people really get "Milk
+Below"--monopoly prices.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAPTURE.
+
+(_By a Radical._)
+
+    MR. CHAMBERLAIN (in the debate on the Lords' Amendments to the Land
+    Bill) said, "he had never regarded the House of Lords as the special
+    representatives of the community, that he would very much have
+    preferred that an Amendment in the interests of the community should
+    have proceeded from another quarter, that they were Commons' House
+    of Parliament, and that it was they who had to look after the
+    interests of the community, and not the House of Lords."
+    (_Opposition Cheers._)
+
+  HOORAY! This is rather more like the old JOE,
+  Whom as pet of the Peers his old friends hardly know.
+  Does "cushioned ease" tire him already,--so soon?
+  Is "gentlemen" chumship no longer a boon?
+  Can zeal for the Union no longer determine,
+  The Birmingham champion to back up the ermine?
+  This snub to the Peers is decidedly handsome,
+  We'll soon have JOE talking once more about "ransom."
+  Oh! Spalding was splendid, and Bridgeton was brave,
+  And GROSVENOR'S defeat made the Unionists rave;
+  TOM SAYERS ne'er landed his foe such a "oner,"
+  As SALISBURY had at the hands of our BRUNNER;
+  But neither the news of Gladstonian gain,
+  Of TREVELYAN'S return, or the tantrums of CAINE,
+  To Radical bosoms such a rapture affords,
+  As Brummagem JOE once more smiting the Lords!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CON. FOR THE CONNUBIALLY INCLINED.--What is the difference between an
+accepted and a rejected offer of marriage? The first leads to the
+Matrimonial Knot; the second is the Matrimonial Not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bon Voyage!"
+
+  MR. CAINE, who is tired Party knots of unravelling,
+  Is off, so 'tis said, round the world to be travelling.
+  Let's hope that much clearing of temper and brain
+  May result from this new sort of "Wanderings of CAIN(E)".
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE CAUSE OF ART.
+
+_Patron._ "WHEN ARE YER GOIN' TO START MY WIFE'S PICTURE AND MINE?
+'CAUSE, WHEN THE 'OUSE IS UP WE'RE A GOIN'----"
+
+_Artist._ "OH, I'LL GET THE CANVASES AT ONCE, AND----"
+
+_Patron (millionnaire)._ "CANVAS! 'ANG IT!--NONE O' YER CANVAS FOR ME!
+PRICE IS NO OBJEC'! I CAN AFFORD TO PAY FOR SOMETHING BETTER THAN
+CANVAS!!"     [_Tableau!_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARTIST'S HOLIDAY;
+
+OR, A BRUSH WITH THE POLICE.
+
+_Start for Isle of Wight._--Market for Pictures so depressed, can only
+afford a fortnight away from Town this Summer. Never mind! Intend to
+have a high old time while it lasts. Shall travel over the whole
+Island--Cowes, Ryde, Ventnor, Shanklin, Alum Bay, and the Needles.
+Travelling suggests that I'm my own "traveller"--in the Oil and Colour
+line! Mustn't mention this joke to my aristocratic customers, however.
+
+_On the Way Down._--Read in my favourite newspaper--"Art is a fanciful
+and captious mistress, exacting many sacrifices from her servants, and
+not infrequently putting them to considerable inconvenience." Sounds
+unpleasant. Wish people wouldn't write like this. True, perhaps, but not
+edifying. Writer goes on to say of Artists that "Respectability is
+arrayed in arms against them, because their ways are not as those of its
+smug and unimaginative votaries." (Rather a good hit that--"smug and
+unimaginative;"--writer not such a fool as I thought.) "Mrs. GRUNDY
+sniffs at them with righteous scorn, because their appearance, bearing,
+and habits, are not measurable by the standards of propriety." (I should
+hope not, indeed!) "The subaltern administrators of the law regard them
+with suspicion"--Humbug! Throw paper down in disgust. Never been
+interfered with by a policeman in my life. What is there in _me_ to
+excite suspicion, I should like to know? Should write to Author of that
+article, and tell him he's an ass, only can't afford to waste a stamp
+just now.
+
+_Southampton._--Go on board boat for Ryde. Curious. Three men following
+me about everywhere! On stepping on to Ryde pier, they make a pounce on
+me. Ask to see my luggage. It seems they are "subaltern administrators
+of the law," disguised. I refuse to give up my keys; in order to mollify
+them, make a joke, and tell them "they can't Ryde the high horse here."
+Only reply they make is to break my bag open. Very objectionable. Crowd
+evidently think I'm a London thief, and hoot at me.
+
+Ask Detectives if they think I look like a Dynamiter? They say nothing,
+and wink. Seem to look on my question as a "leading," or rather a
+misleading, one. Thank Heaven! There's nothing suspicious in my
+Gladstone bag. But, as these are Government emissaries, perhaps the mere
+possession of a "Gladstone" bag is considered to connect me in some
+mysterious way with Parnellism, and so with crime. Is there such a thing
+as a "Salisbury" bag? Wish I'd got one if there is. Perhaps it would be
+a good move to tell them I'm a Unionist. They reply (gruffly) "they
+don't want none of my gab," and that _they_ intend to find out what I am
+precious quick.
+
+_At Police Station._--(To which I've been taken, through a howling mob!)
+Bag opened. Several things appear to excite suspicion. Palette inspected
+carefully. If it hadn't been for bad success of my last humorous remark,
+should tell my captors that "I've no _palate_ for conspiracy." My box of
+brushes regarded as highly questionable. Suggests obvious
+sporting-riddle--Why do they think I've been in at the death (of
+somebody or other?)--Answer: _because I've got the brush!_ Bottle of
+Chinese White at once impounded. Considered to contain "an explosive
+composition," it seems. Detectives convey it carefully to middle of
+large field, and bury it, until Colonel MAJENDIE can come down from
+Town. What, however, is regarded as greatest proof of my nefarious
+tendencies is a picture of London Bridge in my portfolio. Detective asks
+triumphantly--"What made you draw that there bridge if you ain't a
+Fenian, now?" I reply "it's only a pot-boiler." Answer considered so
+very incriminating that I am immediately handcuffed and put in a cell.
+Never realised before what a very "fanciful and captious mistress," Art
+is, or what idiots "the subaltern administrators of the law" are capable
+of making of themselves.
+
+_Three Days Later._--Liberated! Am told it was "all a mistake." Chinese
+White bottle proved not to contain anything dangerous to human life.
+Pot-boiler restored me, slightly soiled. No excuses or apologies
+made--sent away with a "free pardon!" And this is England! Ah, they
+manage some things better in France!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM
+
+THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_House of Lords, Monday, August 15._--Some ordinary business on Agenda,
+but importance dwarfed by imposing demonstration made by WEMYSS. Session
+really coming to a close. WEMYSS has done his share of speech-making.
+According to DENMAN has appropriated more than fair share. Nevertheless,
+he finds in Mid-August quite an accumulation of odds and ends omitted
+from speeches prepared during last two years. If he doesn't work them
+off this Session will be out of date by next. That no insuperable
+objection to delivering speech in House of Lords; still, freshness and
+appropriateness not altogether without weight. How shall he dispose of
+the accumulated treasure? Thought once of publishing it in single
+Volume, call it "Jubilee Thoughts, by Earl of WEMYSS;" or "Peerless Wit
+and Wisdom, by a Peer." Found publishers not anxious to undertake
+proposal. Jubilee, they said, beginning to pall, too many books about of
+Wit and Wisdom. Happy thought! Why not throw the scraps into form of
+speech, and favour House of Lords with it? Some of the topics little
+ancient and continuity of thought difficult to simulate; but propose to
+"call attention to Socialistic legislation during the Sessions of 1886
+and 1887." That will cover everything.
+
+So arranged, and to-night, as soon as immaterial business disposed of,
+WEMYSS rose, and began his speech. Audience of eighteen, to begin with.
+Gradually diminished, till there remained, for fifth and final
+peroration, only four. Was a tremendous speech--bloodcurdling,
+convincing, and delivered with much animation. Never was a nation in
+such peril. Before Great Britain lay only Black Night and Despair.
+
+Might have been expected that, when WEMYSS sat down, there would have
+been eager competition for precedence to take up the thread of debate so
+solemnly launched. But he'd overdone it. So terrified the few Peers
+present, that none could speak. Looked at each other with fitful,
+fearful glances. One by one they rose, and tremblingly tottered out.
+WEMYSS left in solitary possession of House, filled only with echoes of
+his fearsome jeremiad. Thus closed this memorable one-speech debate.
+LORD CHANCELLOR retaining presence of mind sufficient to adjourn the
+House, WEMYSS picked up his notes, and went forth, probably to prepare
+for his own flight from the doomed country.
+
+_Business done._--In Commons, Mines Bill in Committee.
+
+[Illustration: Columbus, M. P.]
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday._--JOHN MANNERS in his place to-night.
+Everyone glad to see him back again; Liberals, Conservatives,
+Dissentients, Unionists, whatever we be, all unite in saying a friendly
+word to JOHN on his convalescence.
+
+Another arrival greeted with more mixed feelings. BRUNNER, flushed by
+his great victory in Northwich, comes up to be sworn in. Tremendous
+cheering on Liberal side. Dead silence among Ministerialists. Old
+Morality gazes up at glass roof with preoccupied air; thoughts far away
+from Westminster or Northwich either. CAINE, looking on from Bar, turns
+his back, and marches forth.
+
+"Another blessing in disguise," says he. "I think now I'll go off to
+Japan, and see how they're getting on with their projected Parliamentary
+Institutions. Might get some hints for forming our National Party."
+
+[Illustration: T. B-rt.]
+
+Crimes Bill on again. Committee pegging away far into tomorrow. A good
+business-like debate, but a little dull. Minority of between seventy and
+eighty industriously tried to carry Amendments moved by BURT and others.
+Majority, varying between 120 and 140, thinking matter over in privacy
+of smoke-room, news-room, and terrace, come up with minds fully made up
+on points of detail, and always vote with Ministers. BURT, beaten again
+and again, comes back to scratch, looking, towards half-past two in the
+morning, a little broken down, but still full of fight.
+
+_Business done._--Mines Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--House of Lords deserves well of its country. Is setting
+Commons example it will do well to follow. On Monday, as noted, WEMYSS
+made long speech, and, no one rising to follow in debate, House
+forthwith adjourned. Same thing happened on Tuesday when DENMAN
+introduced beneficent proposals for limiting speeches. Met with success
+beyond his wildest expectations. Had asked that duration of speeches
+might be strictly limited. Lords with one accord forthwith accepted
+principle. Applied it so strictly that, as LORD CHANCELLOR in his
+epigrammatic way put it, "speeches were limited to silence." In fact no
+one spoke at all. DENMAN had debate all to himself, and House adjourned.
+So pleased with this arrangement that it was carried a step further
+to-night. Only one speech was made. Was delivered from Woolsack. So
+brief may be quoted _verbatim_:--
+
+"House will now adjourn," said LORD CHANCELLOR.
+
+That was all, and noble Lords dispersed.
+
+"Most pleasant, informing and useful sitting we've had for many
+Sessions," said BUCKINGHAM to CHANDOS.
+
+"_Allons!_" said STRATHEDEN to CAMPBELL, "let us go and visit those
+foolish Commons who waste their time in much speaking."
+
+Commons crowded and animated. Evidently no prospect here of foregoing
+speech-making. Sixty-eight questions on paper to begin with. GEORGE
+CAMPBELL, his mind athirst for information, wanted to know from
+President of Board of Trade what was the meaning of "allotment."
+RITCHIE, with elbow leaning negligently on box, and legs crossed,
+mockingly referred the ingenuous Knight to _Johnson's Dictionary_.
+Curiously reminiscent of _Mephistopheles_ bantering _Faust_, was RITCHIE
+as he looked across at CAMPBELL.
+
+Old Morality announced abandonment of various Government measures,
+dropping tear over each. Emotion became monotonous towards tenth tear,
+and Opposition rudely laughed. But Old Morality had his revenge later.
+Quite a long time since he has "pounced." But as midnight drew on, and
+little progress made, began to grow desperate. CHAMBERLAIN suddenly
+turned upon his allies, attacked them in rattling speech. Even voted
+against them when Division called. Government majority went down from
+customary hundred to alarming forty-two. Then Old Morality, goaded to
+madness, "pounced" right and left. HARCOURT stirred up GOSCHEN with long
+pole; BALFOUR yawned ostentatiously when DILLON convicted him of
+ignorance of Irish affairs; PARNELL pounded away; T. W. RUSSELL withdrew
+from alliance with Government; TIM HEALY chuckled; JOSEPH GILLIS
+alternately jeered and groaned. But Old Morality came out victor.
+Whenever lull occurred he moved Closure, and so presently wound up
+sitting.
+
+[Illustration: Mephistopheles, M. P.]
+
+_Business done._--Split between "Dissentient Liberals" and Government.
+
+_Friday._--House not so full to-night. Rumour about that there was
+something to fore in Lords. Members migrated thither. Only a few Peers
+present. Markiss rose, and in matter-of-fact tone, as if offering
+observation on state of weather, announced Proclamation of National
+League. Fifteen Peers present successfully controlled emotion, and
+passed on to ordinary business. Commons, penned in Gallery above, and
+crowded at Bar below, rushed to own House, carrying news with them.
+Arrived just in time to hear HANBURY question Government on quite other
+subject. HANBURY'S hawk eye had discovered in the Estimates vote for
+salary of Master of Hawks. Wanted to know who he was, what he did for a
+living, and how many hawks he might have to deal with in course of year.
+Frank and somewhat startling disclosure from Treasury Bench. The
+existence of Master of Hawks admitted; regular payment of his salary
+confessed. Only hitch was that there were no hawks. Still, there have
+been hawks in time of STUARTS. An impecunious nobleman had obtained
+office, with reversion to eldest son; and so, through the ages,
+unsuspecting taxpayer had subscribed salary. House so ashamed to
+discover its remissness as custodian of Public purse, that, by common
+consent, subject dropped. But silent resolution taken that noble
+Hawk-master shall have drawn his salary for last time.
+
+Then BALFOUR confirmed statement made in other House about Proclamation
+of National League. Announcement received, on the whole, in grim
+silence, also not without its portent. House then took up Allotments
+Bill, with which it wrestled in business fashion for rest of sitting.
+
+_Business done._--National League Proclaimed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
+
+(_Shakspeare adapted to "The Times."_)
+
+    "Oppression hath made up this League."
+    _King John_, Act iii., Scene 1.
+
+  _Angelo_ ... Lord S-L-SB-RY.
+
+  _Escalus_ ... B-LF-R.
+
+_Escalus._ Every leader it hath writ hath disvouched other.
+
+_Angelo._ In most uneven and distracted manner. Its actions show much
+like to madness: pray heaven its wisdom be not tainted. Yet can we own
+ourselves beaten, and redeliver our authority?
+
+_Esc._ I guess not.
+
+_Ang._ And why should we proclaim it a few days before our departure,
+that if any crave redress of injustice, they must not exhibit their
+discontent in the street?
+
+_Esc._ It shows its reason for that: to have a despatch of complaints;
+and to deliver us from devices hereafter, which shall then have no power
+to stand against us.
+
+_Ang._ Well, I beseech you, let it be proclaimed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF ARABI.--The recent unsuccessful effort to secure the release
+of ARABI PASHA, recalls the trial of that unfortunate Egyptian when he
+was so ably defended by a distinguished member of the British Bar. On
+that occasion, to put it Broadley, he was more of a patriot than a
+criminal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_ECLIPSE_ first, the rest nowhere," is a celebrated racing record. The
+disappointed astronomers of Europe, last Friday, modified the
+_mot_--"Eclipse nowhere" is the common burden of their reports.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR AGRICULTURISTS.--Set a parasite (_the Chalcis fly to wit_) to
+catch a parasite (_the Hessian ditto_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BURNING QUESTION.
+
+_By Our Own Cricket Enthusiast._
+
+    "The four Counties in whose doings the interest of the Cricketing
+    public is centred, were all hard at work yesterday. [Friday, August
+    19.] Yorkshire doing very badly against Surrey at the Oval, and
+    Nottinghamshire showing to considerable disadvantage with Lancashire
+    at Old Trafford."--_Daily News._
+
+  OH, don't talk to me of the close of the Session, or who's to be
+    Premier, perchance, in the next one;
+  Those questions, no doubt, may excite party spouters, but there is a
+    far more important and vext one.
+  The Cricketing Season draws fast to a close; the rain's come at last
+    with inopportune bounty.
+  And there is a question eclipsing all others,--which, _which_ for this
+    year will be Premier County?
+  It's narrowing down,--oh, it's narrowing down, and it grows more
+    soul-harrowing every minute,
+  For Surrey and Lancashire, Yorkshire and Notts are the only four
+    Counties a man can call "in it."
+  Trent-Bridge is astir with a fever of fidgets, the Tykes are all hurry,
+    and worry, and flurry,
+  Old Trafford is all upon thorns, and, by Jove, what excitement there is
+    at the Oval in Surrey!
+  HORNBY and HAWKE cannot sleep of a night, and their nerves into coolness
+    in vain strive to tutor;
+  GLADSTONE and SALISBURY'S rivalry's child's-play compared with the ditto
+    of SHERWIN and SHUTER.
+  Plague upon Jupiter Pluvius! _Why_ did he not hang aloof just a week or
+    two longer?
+  Oh, don't talk to me of your turnips and things,--what are they to the
+    question which team is the stronger?
+  Glorious season for Cricket all round, as is proved by the lots of
+    Leviathan scoring,
+  And now, hang it all, at the very identical point when it comes to the
+    pinch, it is pouring.
+  Cockshies all chance, every average crabs, this detestable deluge.
+    Slow wickets and sticky.
+  Muck even the great ARTHUR SHREWSBURY'S play, and make WALTER READ'S
+    chance of top-average dicky,
+  ARTHUR'S two centuries _plus_ sixty-seven, falls off to a pitiful
+    seven-and-twenty,
+  And BARLOW and BRIGGS have it all their own way; three "ducks" in one
+    innings--of Notts men--seems plenty.
+  Look at poor Yorkshire again! MARTIN HAWKE did his best to choose right,
+    but caked wickets _plus_ LOHMANN,
+  Are far too long odds e'en for ULYETT and HALL; and who can foresee
+    English weather? Why, no man.
+  Wants a cool sticker like SCOTTON to stand it. Eh? Gives the poor
+    bowlers a look in? Oh, granted,
+  Good trundling's a part of the game to be sure, but you see at this
+    crisis it's _scoring_ that's wanted,
+  Dashes the 'gazers, this downing the wickets like nine-pins in swamp
+    with muck-moisture afloat all,
+  And then ninety-two for a tall-scoring team like our Notts, you must
+    own's a contemptible total,
+  Middlesex plays in and out; lots of scorers like WEBBE, STODDART, LUCAS,
+    O'BRIEN, and VERNON.
+  But ROBERTSON, BURTON, and WEST want assistance as bowlers, and
+    bowling's a thing wins will turn on.
+  Gloucester's slap out of it. Pity poor GRACE with a team he can seldom
+    bring up to the scratch, Sir,
+  So that, in spite of his own startling scores, the, at one time,
+    "Invincibles" scarce win a match, Sir,
+  Sussex,--well, QUAIFE is a promising bat, and you always may look for
+    some notches from NEWHAM,
+  Whilst J. and A. HIDE are a host in themselves; but good fortune this
+    season has failed to pursue 'em.
+  Kent, with Lord HARRIS, the family of HEARNES, and RASHLEIGH, with
+    credit should carry field matters on,
+  But this year they'll not be at top of the tree, 'spite the bowling of
+    WOOTON, the smiting of PATTERSON.
+  Leicester has got a good trundler in POUGHER, but one bowler won't
+    make a good (Cricket) summer,
+  Whilst Derbyshire's CHATTERTON, CROPPER, and RATCLIFF don't make her,
+    at present, the new (Cricket) comer.
+  As for game Essex,--well, evergreen GREEN, who has done in his day
+    some redoubtable cricket,
+  Will own he will not have a look in _this_ year, e'en with BUXTON,
+    and BISHOP, and BRYAN, and PICKETT.
+  No, we must still look to one of the four; and oh, what a lot hope that
+    one will be Surrey,
+  Fancy the spirits of GRIFFITH and SOUTHERTON--(chums of that "barn-door"
+    whom no one could flurry,
+  Stout little JUPP)--must just now haunt the Oval, or hold ghostly
+    confabulations at Mitcham,
+  Discussing the way in which SHUTER'S lot cut 'em and drive 'em, and
+    swipe 'em, and place 'em, and pitch 'em.
+  And oh! _if_ smart SHUTER, crack READ, steady LOHMANN, and
+    swift-footed MAURICE, and cat-like young ABEL
+  _Should_ once more put Surrey at top of the tree, won't the Oval
+    just be a tumultuous Babel?
+
+[Illustration: Woo "Ton."]
+
+[Illustration: "Baa low!"]
+
+[Illustration: "'Ull yet?"]
+
+[Illustration: "Hide!"]
+
+[Illustration: The Family "Urn."]
+
+[Illustration: Puffer.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume
+93. August 27, 1887, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume 93.
+August 27, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume 93. August 27, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 18, 2010 [EBook #33459]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
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+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 93.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>AUGUST 27, 1887.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE PRICE OF SUPPORT.</h2>
+
+<center><i>A Fragment of a coming Contemporary Romance.</i></center>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Is it possible that Mr. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, not content with having allied
+himself with the Parnellites, or with having endeavoured to sow
+jealousies between the component parts of the United Kingdom, is at
+last endeavouring to purchase the parliamentary support of the
+South-Eastern Railway? The idea seems almost too humiliating to be
+entertained; but it is not easy to place any other interpretation
+upon this new and startling announcement. Can it be conceived that
+the safety of England ranks as nothing in his estimation when it is
+brought into competition with the possibility of winning a few votes
+from the interested supporters of a commercial
+enterprise?"&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<center>VOL. I.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Compact.</span></center>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was on a sultry August evening in the memorable year 1887 that a
+stranger, whose anxious gaze, now and again fixed on the entrance,
+denoted the fact that he was awaiting the arrival of one of the Members,
+crossed and re-crossed the pavement of the Hall of the Reform Club with
+a step that indicated a high condition of nervous trepidation. To the
+casual observer he might have passed for a solicitor in an extreme state
+of irritability. The Hall-Porter, however, who had watched him narrowly,
+had recognised him for who he was. He knew that the restless interloper,
+who had several times peered into his carpet-bag, and examined specimens
+of Channel chalk, and had, when he thought no one was looking, hacked a
+London, Chatham and Dover trains'-bill with his penknife, was no other
+than the famous Sir <span class="smcap">Edward Watkin</span>, the then Chairman of the
+South-Eastern Railway Company. He approached him.</p>
+
+<p>"He won't be long," he said, intuitively guessing the object of his
+visit, and addressing him kindly. "Ha! hark! Here he comes!" He had
+scarcely spoken, when a roaring cheer, borne on the sweet evening air,
+broke the comparative silence of the street outside, and in another
+minute a surging and struggling mob, who were shouting themselves
+hoarse, had deposited safely from their shoulders, on the door-step of
+the Club, their great hero and idol, whom they had thus, as was their
+wont, nightly carried in triumph from the House.</p>
+
+<p>The ex-Premier, for indeed the buoyant bearing, the high shirt-collar,
+and the contagious enthusiasm of the new arrival proclaimed his identity
+at once, dashed up the steps three at a time, and, waving a radiant
+farewell of thanks to the crowd, bounded into the Hall, where, seeing
+the stranger, he instantly seized him by the arm, and hurriedly led him
+to a recess.</p>
+
+<p>"This is very good and genial of you, my dear Sir <span class="smcap">Edward</span>," he commenced.</p>
+
+<p>The other eyed him cautiously. "You wanted to see me?" he rejoined,
+sulkily.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, indeed!" was the brisk reply. "I wished to tell you that, as you
+had been wicked enough,&mdash;ha! ha!&mdash;to conceive the idea of uniting
+England and France by a Tunnel, I had been wicked enough also to
+determine to help you to do it. Ha! ha!" He laughed long and loud. His
+interlocutor stared at him for a few moments aghast. Then he clutched
+him.</p>
+
+<p>"You mean this?" he asked, growing pale with excitement as he spoke.
+"You mean that you will vote for the Bill?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not only vote for the Bill, but make it a Government measure." As he
+spoke he was interrupted by a commotion in Pall Mall. Some Junior
+Members of the Carlton were by way of a practical joke, common enough at
+this season, dropping a Unionist Liberal out of the first-floor windows
+into the area, and their merriment over the exploit resounded loudly
+down the street. The ex-Premier heard it and a wonderful smile played
+upon his almost beautiful features. "You see, they are going to pieces
+next door," he added exultingly, "I shall be in in a few weeks, nothing
+can stop me; and then, I give you my word, you shall have your Tunnel."</p>
+
+<p>The other approached him. There was a curious look in his eye. "You have
+your price?" he asked. "Name it," he added under his breath, glancing
+around him furtively to see they were not overheard.</p>
+
+<p>The great Statesman winked knowingly. "Merely the South-Eastern vote,"
+he whispered. "Come, is it a bargain at that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Done!" was the quick rejoinder. They grasped hands.</p>
+
+<p>"Show this gentleman to a four-wheeler," said the ex-Premier.</p>
+
+<p>So they parted. But as the Grand Old Politician turned towards the
+supper-room there was a fine triumphant lustre beaming in his eye, for
+he knew, that if he had possibly betrayed his country, he had at least
+squared the Railway Company. He had made the <i>compact</i>!</p>
+
+<center>VOL. II.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Paid in Full.</span></center>
+
+<p>The country was about to face a great crisis in its history. Yet, as the
+year 1894 opened, there were little evidences of the approaching storm.
+It is true that the Gladstone Cabinet were still in power, and were
+passing exasperating measures. But this was nothing new. Last year they
+had abolished Compulsory Vaccination, and had passed the Country Estates
+Popular Appropriation Act. They had inaugurated the first Session of the
+present one by suppressing the Volunteer Movement, and cutting down the
+Naval and Military votes respectively to the modest figure of &pound;2,000,000
+a year; and they pointed to the Channel Tunnel, now opened about sixteen
+months, for a triumphant vindication of these Imperial economies. They
+argued that a country that could pour a perpetual stream of Cook's
+Tourists night and day over to the Continent, had given a guarantee for
+preserving International peace such as would warrant it in reducing the
+expense for its defences to a pecuniary minimum; and, though they met
+with some opposition from the Permanent Departments, and were hotly
+criticised by an angry mob of naval and military men, who found
+themselves, at a moment's notice, both thrown out of work, and deprived
+of their pay, they, nevertheless, carried their point, and effected the
+proposed reductions. But a thunder-clap was about to fall upon the
+unsuspecting country from a blue sky, and the Channel Tunnel, which had
+inspired its misguided leaders with a baseless confidence, was destined
+to inflict the shock.</p>
+
+<p>It became known in London suddenly on the morning of the Tuesday in the
+Easter Recess that the approaches to the Tunnel had been suddenly seized
+by a hostile French force that had landed by the night-mail disguised as
+tourists, and that the key of the apparatus destined to flood it in any
+case of emergency, was not forthcoming, the Chairman of the Company, who
+had charge of it, having suddenly disappeared without leaving his
+address. It was also further rumoured that the guns commanding the
+shore-exit had been spiked by active Shareholders anxious to protect
+their property from destruction at all hazards, and were useless. When,
+therefore at eleven o'clock, the second edition of the morning papers
+announced that a French army was pouring through the Tunnel, and
+occupying the neighbouring heights, at the rate of ten thousand men an
+hour, the panic became indescribable. Nor did it diminish when it was
+further known that the French Ambassador, leaving a threatening
+ultimatum behind him, had that afternoon taken his departure for Paris.
+The country flew to arms. Sir <span class="smcap">Archibald Harrison</span> hastily collected the
+available force at Aldershot, and took up his position on the Hog's
+Back, and awaited the approach of the enemy with 213 men, all told, and
+three guns. They took no notice of him. At twelve the following day it
+was known that the Duke of <span class="smcap">Cambridge</span>, falling back on Sydenham, in
+command of a handful of Volunteers and a squadron of the Household
+Cavalry hurriedly got together, had capitulated in the Refreshment
+Department.</p>
+
+<p>The details of the disaster spread like wildfire. The consternation was
+terrific. The <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> went into hysterics, and was, by common
+consent, removed to Colney Hatch, while an angry mob invaded the War
+Office, and seizing any members of the Ordnance Committee they could lay
+hold of, forthwith dragged them out, and lynched them in Pall Mall. That
+same evening a French army, 350,000 strong, entered London in triumph.</p>
+
+<p>A few outrages marked this occupation. The Nelson Column was thrown
+down, Waterloo Bridge blown up, Piccadilly re-christened the Rue
+Boulanger, and the whole of Madame <span class="smcap">Tussaud's</span> Collection seized as
+National property.</p>
+
+<p>So matters stood, but the cutting off of the food supply, thirty
+shillings being charged at a West-End Club for a plate of indifferent
+tinned-rabbit, soon brought matters to a crisis. The Cabinet that at the
+first approach of the enemy, had instantly retired to the Island of
+Lewis, came cautiously up to town and opening negotiations for peace
+with the French Government, finally signed the Tottenham Court Road
+treaty, and provided for the evacuation of the country by the invader.
+The terms were stringent and somewhat severe. In addition to agreeing to
+the cession of India, Australia, the Cape, Canada and all her
+Mediterranean possessions, together with the division of her Fleet among
+the Navies of Europe, England undertook to pay an indemnity in ready
+money at the Bank of England of five-hundred millions sterling.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>As a cordon of French troops was keeping back the sullen crowd that
+thronged the space in front of the Royal Exchange and watched the
+waggons heavily laden with the bullion that was about to be transferred
+to the South-Eastern Railway for transmission to France, a tall, elastic
+figure wearing a high shirt-collar, pushed eagerly up the steps of the
+Mansion House, and gazed reflectively at the scene that was being
+enacted below. Presently some one touched it. It turned.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! Sir <span class="smcap">Edward</span>," was the bright recognition, "who would ever have
+thought of meeting you again, and who would ever have conceived," the
+cheery voice continued, "that our little compact should have ended in
+this!" The speaker pointed with a significant smile to the waggons of
+bullion lumbering beneath. "Well," responded the other with a suggestive
+dryness, "my support got you into power at any rate!"</p>
+
+<p>A marvellous brightness overspread the features of his interlocutor.
+"Yes, it did," he replied, "and though I am quite confident that
+posterity will say it was worth the price, I see," he added airily,
+waving his hand in the direction of the Bank, "that at the present
+moment it is apparently being <i>paid in full</i>!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/086.png">
+<img src="images/086.png" width="100%" alt="REMARKS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNANSWERED" /></a>
+<h4>REMARKS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNANSWERED.</h4>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Well, good-bye, dear Mrs. Jones. I'm afraid I've put you out by calling
+at this unearthly hour." "Oh, I hope I didn't show it!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SALUBRITIES ABROAD.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Hotel Continental, Royat.</i>&mdash;Our party here (which, somehow or another,
+<span class="smcap">Puller</span> has contrived to get together and introduce to each other by the
+simple means of inducing M. <span class="smcap">Hall</span> to give us a room to ourselves for a
+small <i>table-d'h&ocirc;te</i> at the un-Royat-like hour of 7.30) consists of La
+Contessa <span class="smcap">Casanova</span>, the English wife of an Italian merchant, the head of
+a large house of business in London&mdash;she is Marchesa or Contessa, I am
+not certain which, but <span class="smcap">Puller</span> styles her <i>Miladi</i> and <i>Madame</i>. She is
+devoted to the serious Drama, and her pet subject is <span class="smcap">Salvini</span> in
+<i>Othello</i>. Her daughter, an elegant young English girl, lively, amusing,
+and with a bias in favour of the very lightest forms of theatrical
+entertainment.</p>
+
+<p>Then we have Madame <span class="smcap">Metterbrun</span> and her daughters, Anglo-Germans,
+thorough musicians, with <span class="smcap">Wagner</span> at their fingers' ends,&mdash;literally, as
+they are accomplished pianists. There is Mrs. <span class="smcap">Dinderlin</span>, who was here
+last year, and is taking the waters seriously, and who knows when to put
+in the right word at the right moment. Cousin <span class="smcap">Jane</span> who is taking the
+waters still more seriously and who is an excellent listener: myself an
+impartial referee: and <span class="smcap">Puller</span> the Solicitor out for a holiday, who is
+alternately in the highest of spirits or the lowest depths of
+depression, according as the waters and weather affect him. Outside our
+party there are others whom I meet occasionally, consisting of the lady
+who finds fault with everything French, the gentleman who laughs at
+everything French, the grumbler whom nothing satisfies, the contented
+man who is pleased with everything, the man who after being here a day
+is intensely bored, the man who from the moment of his arrival is always
+studying Guide-books and <i>indicateurs</i> to see what is the best and
+easiest way of getting away again: the patient who has come all the way
+here to see the Doctor and then refuses to do anything he tells him: the
+patient who has come to find out what on earth is the matter with him:
+the man who doctors himself, and two or three ladies of my acquaintance
+of whom I only catch occasional glimpses as they issue from Sedan-chairs
+or muffled up like the Turkish women, merely recognise me with their
+eyes, incline their heads and pass on their way with a little
+drinking-glass in their hands.</p>
+
+<p>To me Royat is an amusing place: it is certainly a pretty one, and its
+waters in most cases are decidedly of lasting benefit. What those "most
+cases" are, the patients themselves best know.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>For expanse there is nothing like the sea, and for grandeur the snow
+mountains. Unless I go up to the Puy de D&ocirc;me&mdash;which I do not mean to do,
+for I have been up there once, and never, never, never will go there
+again&mdash;I cannot see either. And even from the top of the Puy you can
+only discern the sea, or Mont Blanc, with a very good glass, on a very
+clear day.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>M. <span class="smcap">Boisgobey's</span> description of a Parisian Club in his latest book (I
+delight in <span class="smcap">Boisgobey</span> now that there is no <span class="smcap">Gaboriau</span>) called
+<i>Grippe-Soleil</i> will amuse London Club members. The only two Clubs in
+Paris I ever saw were not a bit like <span class="smcap">Boisgobey's</span> description.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>When anyone who has been under treatment a week, unexpectedly meets a
+friend here, he stops short, stares at him, examines him from head to
+foot, and then exclaims, in a tone of utter astonishment, "What!! <i>you</i>
+here!!" as if the new arrival were either an intruder or a lunatic. The
+person thus addressed immediately retorts in an injured tone, "Well,
+what on earth are you here for?" and then he adds maliciously, "there
+doesn't seem to be much the matter with <i>you</i>." Now to say this is to
+utter your deliberate opinion that the person you are addressing is at
+Royat (or any other Salubrity Abroad wherever it may be) under the false
+pretence of being an invalid, and is therefore, to put it plainly, a
+shammer, an impostor.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>After this greeting, explanations follow. The first man has to prove his
+right to be at Royat, and the second man has to admit the evidence to be
+incontestable, on the condition, implied but not expressed, of his own
+case being taken as thoroughly warranting his taking the baths and
+<i>traitement</i> generally at Royat.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Then comes the question of Doctors. "Who shall decide when Doctors
+disagree?"&mdash;but who shall decide when patients disagree about Doctors?
+"Whom do you go to?" asks the suffering <span class="smcap">Smith</span> of the invalid Brown.
+"Well," says <span class="smcap">Brown</span>, apologetically,&mdash;because he is not sure, this being
+his first visit, that he might not have gone to a better man, "I go to
+Dr. <span class="smcap">Chose</span>," and noticing the astonishment depicted on his friend's face,
+he hastens to explain, "<span class="smcap">Squills</span> sent me to him." The suffering <span class="smcap">Smith</span>
+professes himself puzzled to know why on earth <span class="smcap">Squills</span> always sends his
+patients to <span class="smcap">Chose</span>. "Dr. <span class="smcap">Rem's</span> the man for you, my boy," says <span class="smcap">Smith</span>. But
+<span class="smcap">Brown</span> feels that he is in the toils of <span class="smcap">Squills</span>, and that it would not be
+fair to him or to <span class="smcap">Chose</span>, if he suddenly left the latter and sought the
+advice of Dr. <span class="smcap">Rem</span>, on the sole recommendation of <span class="smcap">Smith</span> who, after all,
+is not a professional.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Then two <i>habitu&eacute;s</i> meet. "I always go to <span class="smcap">Chose</span>," says eczematic <span class="smcap">Jones</span>,
+dogmatically, "first-rate fellow, <span class="smcap">Chose</span>. All the French go to him.
+<i>They</i> know." "Ah!" returns gouty <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, with conviction, "I never
+have been to anyone but <span class="smcap">Rem</span>. He's the chap. All the English go to him.
+Best man in Royat." And if it weren't the hour for one of them to go and
+drink Eug&eacute;nie water, and for the other to take his second glass of St.
+Mart, they would have a row and come to blows.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Puller</span> tells me that there's one London Doctor, describing himself as a
+Gyn&aelig;cologist ("A guinea-cologist," parenthetically remarks <span class="smcap">Puller</span>), who
+always sends his patients here. I think he says his name is Dr. <span class="smcap">Barnes</span>.
+"He sends so many," says <span class="smcap">Puller</span>, "that I propose changing the name of
+the place from Royat-les-Bains into Royat-les-Barnes." I see why he
+introduced the name of <span class="smcap">Barnes</span>. Fortunately he is so delighted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> with this
+<i>jeu de mot</i>, which I fancy I've heard before, that he is off to tell
+his friends in the Parc, and, as I pass a group, I overhear him
+explaining the point of it to a French lady and her husband, with whom
+he has a speaking acquaintance. For <span class="smcap">Puller</span> likes what he calls "airing
+his French," and is not a bit shy.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Band is performing another new tune! How is this? I can account for
+it. It rained nearly all yesterday, and so the musicians didn't come
+out. How did they occupy themselves? In rehearsal. Well here's one good
+effect of rain at Royat, it brings out the new tunes.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL PARALLELS. No. 2.</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/087.png">
+<img src="images/087.png" width="100%" alt="LORDLY CECIL ENTERTAINS HIS SOVEREIGN" /></a>
+<h4>THE LORDLY CECIL ENTERTAINS HIS SOVEREIGN. HATFIELD, 1573 AND 1887.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A Pretty Plate to Set Before the Queen.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Queen's Plates are henceforth to be devoted to improving the
+breed of horses."</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">A most</span> wise change that sense for long has wished,</p>
+<p class="i0">But, Ph&oelig;bus! how the "Platers" will be dished!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>AN INVITATION.</h4>
+
+<center>(<i>To a well-known Air.</i>)</center>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Frederick Maude</span>, Honorary Secretary of the 'Liberal Union,' has
+resigned that post in consequence of his disapproval of the attitude
+taken up by the leaders of the 'Liberal Unionist' party towards the
+leaders of the Liberal party, and of his inability to support the
+programme of a Tory Government."</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Come</span> back to Hawarden, <span class="smcap">Maude</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">For the Tory black flag's flown!</p>
+<p class="i0">Come back to Hawarden, <span class="smcap">Maude</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Leave <span class="smcap">Harty</span> and <span class="smcap">Joe</span> alone;</p>
+<p class="i0">For the Government plainly is all abroad,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the Unionist game is blown.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">A "Chef Douvres."</span>&mdash;The L. C. &amp; D.'s new steamer <i>Empress</i>.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ALL IN PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch,</span>&mdash;Town is supposed to be empty, except of the poor
+persons who are forced to attend the Houses of Parliament, and the
+toiling millions of the East End, who are, however, of no account in the
+West. In spite of this dearth of population, the Gaiety (which I
+attended on your behalf, looking and feeling as much like you as I
+possibly could) was very full on the first night of <i>Loyal Love</i>, a play
+which has apparently been put upon the stage for the personal and
+exclusive benefit of Mrs. <span class="smcap">Brown-Potter</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/088a.png">
+<img src="images/088a.png" width="100%" alt="Saved by the Bottle" /></a>
+<h4>Saved by the Bottle.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Certainly this talented lady has vastly improved since she made her
+first appearance in <i>Man and Wife</i>, and has only to continue at the same
+rate of progress to become in a very short time a really admirable
+actress. <i>Loyal Love</i> is rather a foolish piece, and reminded me equally
+of the <i>Lady of Lyons</i>, <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>, and <i>Box and Cox</i>. The plot
+was feeble in the extreme; and had not Mrs. <span class="smcap">Brown-Potter</span> made a decided
+point by calling a rude and ancient king, who <i>would</i> wear his hat in
+the presence of ladies, "Old Man," I really think the performance would
+have fallen rather flat. As it was, the phrase (which was accepted by
+the "first-nighters" as a colloquial "Americanism") put everyone in good
+humour, and the last Act, with its amusing mock poisonings, and comical
+arrests and counter-arrests, went with every token of genial
+satisfaction. By the way, the "bottle trick" (by which poison is turned
+into wine) should be treated more avowedly in a spirit of burlesque.
+Were a decanter of pantomimic proportions introduced, the effect would
+be excellent. <i>Loyal Love</i> is not a good name for this funny little&mdash;it
+is only in four Acts&mdash;play. It is a pity, as the hero and heroine are
+always declaring that they would like to live and die together on a
+desert island, that it was not called <i>Mr. and Mrs. Robinson Crusoe</i>,
+with an explanatory subtitle of the <i>Purposeless Plotter, the
+Death-Dealing Wine-Cellar, and the Grand Old King</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/088b.png">
+<img src="images/088b.png" width="100%" alt="Heroic Proportions" /></a>
+<h4>Heroic Proportions.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>At the Adelphi a new and original drama called <i>The Bells of Haslemere</i>,
+has been produced amidst the enthusiastic applause of the entire Press.
+I am sorry to say I was a little disappointed. No doubt my expectations
+had been unduly raised by the "notices." It appeared to me that there
+was nothing absolutely and entirely new and original in the play, save a
+series of hats worn by Mr. <span class="smcap">John Beauchamp</span> in the character of a
+fraudulent trustee. However, it is only just to say that the <i>chapeaux
+of Joseph Thorndyke</i> were unique. Had they been produced as "exhibits"
+to an affidavit read during a summons heard before one of the Chief
+Clerks in the Chancery Division of the High Court of Justice, they must
+have assisted materially in rendering virtue triumphant, ay, with or
+without an appeal to the Judge. One of the authors of the piece, Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Sydney Grundy</span>, is a well-known barrister, and no doubt the legal
+training of this learned gentleman suggested their most appropriate
+introduction. <i>Joseph Thorndyke</i> uncovered, might have been faithful to
+his <i>cestui que</i> trust, but <i>in</i> his hat he could only have
+proved&mdash;what, alas! he was&mdash;a fraudulent trustee. Mr. <span class="smcap">Terriss</span> as <i>Frank
+Beresford</i>, bore a striking resemblance to the naval lieutenant in the
+<i>Harbour Lights</i> whose escape from one action (on board ship) to defend
+another (in a police court) roused the enthusiasm of the pit and gallery
+for so many hundred nights, and Miss <span class="smcap">Millward</span> in both pieces was much
+about the same individual. But in spite of this conventionality, the
+play was decidedly interesting to the audience, who filled the cheaper
+parts of the house. In fact I am inclined to believe that the critics
+are right, and that <i>The Bells</i> will ring for any number of nights. The
+scenery was admirable, and I should like to see it again. I am not quite
+so sure that anything else in the drama would induce me to pay the
+Adelphi a second visit. Stay, I think I should like to bestow another
+glance on Mr. <span class="smcap">Beauchamp's</span> hats. I am all but certain, that from a
+fraudulent-trustee-point-of-view, they are absolutely faultless,&mdash;yes,
+absolutely faultless.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/088c.png">
+<img src="images/088c.png" width="100%" alt="A Hat(e)ful Character" /></a>
+<h4>A Hat(e)ful Character.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>The Crystal Palace, now that the new Bill is on the fair road to become
+law, seemingly has taken a fresh lease of popularity. The evening
+<i>f&ecirc;tes</i> are a great feature, and jaded Londoners can scarcely do better
+than to take a train from Victoria or St. Paul's, and spend a pleasant
+couple of twilight hours amidst the lamps and (on Thursdays) the
+fireworks. In the daytime there is always an excellent panorama, and
+frequently a successful play performed by its original London company.
+This last has always a charm for</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours most truly,</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">One who has Gone to Pieces</span>.</p><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ADAM SLAUGHTERMAN.<sup><a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a><br /></sup></h2>
+
+<center><i>By Walker Weird, Author of "Hee Hee," "Solomon's Ewers," &amp;c.</i><br /><br />
+
+CHAPTER I.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Blood Relations.</span></center>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">It</span> is very kind of you to come round," I said, to my two friends, Sir
+<span class="smcap">Harry</span> and <span class="smcap">Bong</span>, as they threw themselves violently into two arm-chairs
+(which almost broke under the brutal force of their descent), and
+emptied two casks of whiskey.</p>
+
+<p>As I looked at Sir <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, with his wide shoulders and deeper chest, I
+could not help thinking what a curious contrast I was to him, with my
+head of grizzled hair cut short and starting up like a half-worn
+scrubbing-brush. Then there was <span class="smcap">Bong</span>, who is not like either of us,
+being short, dark, stout,&mdash;<i>very</i> stout,&mdash;with twinkling black eyes
+everlastingly hidden by blue spectacles.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/088d.png">
+<img src="images/088d.png" width="100%" alt="Adam Slaughterman" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Look here, old fellow," said Sir <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, "why shouldn't we give up
+civilisation, and go in for the mud&mdash;I mean blood&mdash;baths in South
+Africa?"</p>
+
+<p>I fairly jumped at his words.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing I should like better. And you, <span class="smcap">Bong</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bong</span> is so overpoweringly frivolous.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll go, because I am getting fat."</p>
+
+<p>"Shut up, <span class="smcap">Bong</span>," said Sir <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, and then we screamed at the witticism
+for three hours. After that we started for Africa, in search of the land
+of the White-eyed Kaffirs, which we believed to be somewhere south of
+the Westminster Aquarium, the Alhambra, and other Music-Halls in which a
+specimen of the race had occasionally been seen.</p>
+
+<p>On our arrival in Africa we found our old friend, <span class="smcap">Umbugsoapygas</span>, with
+his huge battle-axe (playfully called Kosikutums or "the brain-pricker,"
+from a habit he had of chipping life out of a man's cranium), awaiting
+us. He was a huge savage, with a large piece of loose skin concealing
+the right side of his face, which was absolutely boneless. <span class="smcap">Umbugsoapygas</span>
+was delighted to see us.</p>
+
+<p>"O cove, O cove-dat-am-cool!"&mdash;(Oh individual, oh individual without the
+influence of passion!)&mdash;"brave one, great one! Let me come with thee to
+swim in gore!"</p>
+
+<p>I let him say this, as I saw his enthusiasm was producing a marked
+effect upon the minds of some niggers that were listening to him. But
+after he had said it, I thought it better to stop his vapouring;
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>
+for there is nothing I hate so much, as this Zulu system of extravagant
+praising&mdash;"zwaggering," as they call it.</p>
+
+<p>"Shut up!" I cried, the more especially as I saw that he was getting the
+blood-fever upon him, and savagely destroying with his huge axe a
+spider's cobweb.</p>
+
+<p>He gave me a sort of nod, and seized the niggers by their throats until
+their eyes cracked. Then, with roars of laughter (for they really looked
+most ridiculous), we followed the blacks into the boat, and went to the
+Mission House of the Rev. <span class="smcap">Bang McSaxpence</span>, without any further adventure
+than cutting off at the wrist the hand of one of the murderous tribe of
+Lorkymussies.</p>
+
+<center>CHAPTER II.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Mission Work in South Africa.</span></center>
+
+<p>The Rev. <span class="smcap">Bang McSaxpence</span> and his wife and child lived in great comfort
+amidst the people they had taught so carefully. I do not quite know what
+the educational curriculum happened to be, but no doubt it would have
+merited the approval of the London School Board. They had a French cook,
+called <span class="smcap">Adolphe</span>, who seemingly had been obtained from a travelling Circus
+that no doubt had passed the Mission House in the course of a provincial
+tour.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, the monster! See the horrible man. He is a Mister Black," said
+<span class="smcap">Adolphe</span>, looking at <span class="smcap">Umbugsoapygas</span>. The savage in a moment had dragged
+out the little Frenchman's eyes, thrown them high in the air, rubbed
+them in salt, and replaced them in their sockets. <span class="smcap">Bong</span>, Sir <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, and I
+could not help laughing.</p>
+
+<p>A little later we were called in by Mrs. <span class="smcap">Bang McSaxpence</span>, and soon were
+enjoying a really good cup of tea. I was putting forth my hand for a
+fresh supply, when the breakfast-things were knocked over by a head
+freshly severed from the trunk.</p>
+
+<p>"Rough and <i>reddy</i>!" I suggested, with a laugh.</p>
+
+<p>"Another carpet spoiled!" said gentle Mrs. <span class="smcap">McSaxpence</span>, trying to wipe
+out the deep crimson stain.</p>
+
+<p>"This is serious," observed the Rev. <span class="smcap">Bang McSaxpence</span> arming himself with
+a carving-knife, "the Lorkymussies are upon us. And, to cause me greater
+annoyance, they have kidnapped my daughter <span class="smcap">Tottie</span>."</p>
+
+<p>This turned out to be the case, and although we could not help smiling
+at the notion of a fair-haired little girl being at the mercy of some
+clumsy, tomahawking, brutal cannibals, we felt very sorry for the
+bereaved father.</p>
+
+<p>We started. The first victim was a sentinel. <span class="smcap">Umbugsoapygas</span> clutched him
+by the throat and pulling his head back, tore it off with a crack, like
+the popping of a soda-water cork. Then we were upon them. There were
+yells, crashes, and blood all over the place. The "Brain-pricker" was
+here there and everywhere, scooping out brains just like a cheese-scoop
+scoops out cheese to be tasted by the customers of a London butterman.
+It really was all very amusing, and in spite of our servants being
+absolutely cut to pieces, we were in the gayest spirits imaginable. That
+all should end happily, who should turn up at the last moment but
+<span class="smcap">Tottie</span>, with a little pail into which the dear child had poured the
+heart's blood of some of her persecutors.</p>
+
+<p>"I shot six of them with my own little revolver," said the interesting
+infant, as I stroked her golden-hair with my crimson-coloured fingers;
+"wasn't it clever of me?"</p>
+
+<p>We had a very good lunch, the <i>poulet &agrave; la Portugaise</i> of <span class="smcap">Adolphe</span> being
+particularly worthy of a second helping. After this meal was over, I
+went to the Rev. <span class="smcap">Bang McSaxpence</span>, and taking him by the arm, observed,
+"I really think you ought to give up this sort of life. You see you owe
+a duty to your wife and daughter&mdash;especially the latter, who, if she
+does not receive any education, and only mixes with bloodthirsty
+cannibals, may grow up wild, shunning her kind."</p>
+
+<p>"You are right, <span class="smcap">Slaughterman</span>," replied the Minister, straightening his
+carving-knife, which since the night before had severed many a human
+rib. "I made up my mind to it this very morning, just before I began my
+hacking and slaying. I won't risk another fight, but leave it to a
+younger Clergyman. And besides, between you and me, I am well off. It is
+thirty thousand pounds I am worth to-day, and every farthing of it made
+by honest trade, and savings in the bank at Zanzibar&mdash;for living costs
+me here next to nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"You are right."</p>
+
+<p>"I am sure of it," answered the Clergyman. "I will turn my back upon
+this place in a month. But it will be a wrench&mdash;it will be a wrench."
+<sup><a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></sup>
+</p>
+
+<center>CHAPTER III.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Water on the Brain.</span></center>
+
+<p>We left the Rev. <span class="smcap">Bang McSaxpence</span> (whose successor, by the way, was
+killed and eaten six weeks later), taking with us the little <span class="smcap">Adolphe</span> (a
+most invaluable butt for our buffooneries), and voyaged into the
+Unknown. We got into a boat, and throwing overboard some niggers to pick
+up dead swans, they were immediately (much to our amusement) drowned.
+This made us think, and we came to the conclusion that they must have
+been carried to death by a current. In a moment our canoe began to fly
+along as if seized with a mighty hand, and we were in a tunnel. The
+water hurried us along, and we had scarcely time to notice that we were
+passing now "Baker Street Station," now "Portland Road," now "King's
+Cross," when we were close to a gigantic lily of fire that nearly
+roasted us. We passed, got to some rocks, and were trying to get a cab,
+or at least a fly, when we suddenly came across a number of spiders.
+They were dreadful creatures. They foamed at the mouth, screamed at one
+another, and devoured their invalid relations.</p>
+
+<p>Here I should like to pause to write something <i>really</i> terrible about
+these spiders, but must hurry on, as there is still a deal of killing to
+be done before I get to the end of my narrative. Enough to say I may
+return to those spiders some of these days, and out of their webs spin a
+three-volume novel of unusual grimness and humour.</p>
+
+<p>Shortly after this we emerged from the tunnel (passing by a place called
+Gloucester Road), and found ourselves in the land of the White-eyed
+Kaffirs.<sup><a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a></sup>
+</p>
+
+<center>CHAPTER IV.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Quite Killing.</span></center>
+
+<p>The country we now occupied was called New Pendy&mdash;no doubt because it
+had never been written about before. It is not very necessary to
+describe the lands or the people; and really the most remarkable thing
+in the place was a staircase, of a very wonderful character. Let the
+reader imagine, if he can, a splendid stairway, sixty-five feet from
+balustrade to balustrade, consisting of two vast flights, each of one
+hundred and twenty-five steps, of eight inches in height, by three feet
+broad, connected by a flat resting-place sixty feet in length, and
+running from the palace wall, on the edge of the precipice down to meet
+a waterway or canal cut to its foot from the river. This was the great
+staircase, the magnificence of which fairly took our breath away.<sup><a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a></sup>
+</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/089.png">
+<img src="images/089.png" width="100%" alt="wedding cake" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>Having described the staircase, it is only necessary to say that the New
+Pendies were governed by two Queens, one of whom fell in love with Sir
+<span class="smcap">Harry</span> and married him, quarrelled with her sister, and engaged in a
+civil war which rent the country in twain. This naturally occasioned a
+good deal of bloodshed. Never shall I forget the manner in which
+<span class="smcap">Tryleapyea</span> (the lady who honoured Sir <span class="smcap">Harry</span> with her preference) wooed
+that individual. When they first met they could not speak the same
+language, so she took a pencil from me and made a delightful little
+sketch, which I give in the margin. There is no difficulty in
+recognising a bride expressing admiration at a wedding-cake.</p>
+
+<p>Need I say that after her marriage <span class="smcap">Tryleapyea's</span> subjects had the most
+terrible fight with the subjects of her sister <span class="smcap">Saramariah</span>, which was
+chiefly waged on the staircase. This happened after I and <span class="smcap">Umbugsoapygas</span>
+had performed together a kind of "Turpin's Ride to York," from the
+battlefield. <span class="smcap">Adolphe</span> escaped to post these memoirs&mdash;<span class="smcap">Umbugsoapygas</span> was
+cut to pieces. Sir <span class="smcap">Henry</span> and <span class="smcap">Bong</span> in his blue spectacles, were kept for
+ever in the New Pendy country, and, finally, I myself was killed,
+funeralled, and cremated.<sup><a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a></sup>
+</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> <i>Editor.</i> Surely I have heard this title before, or one very similar
+to it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> No, I think not.</p>
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span
+class="label">[2]</span></a><i>Editor.</i> Surely I have read this conversation, almost word for
+word, somewhere?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> No, I think not.</p>
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span
+class="label">[3]</span></a><i>Editor.</i> The description of the tunnel seems to have some reference
+to a recent flooding of the Metropolitan Railway?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> No, I think not.</p>
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span
+class="label">[4]</span></a><i>Editor.</i> Surely I have read this wonderfully graphic description of
+a flight of steps somewhere before?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> No, I think not.</p>
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span
+class="label">[5]</span></a><i>Author.</i> Stop, stop, this is disgraceful! Why into about a dozen
+lines you have compressed two-thirds of my story! I had pages, and
+pages, and pages of slaughter! If you do not print them in full, I am
+sure the public will be disappointed!</p>
+</div>
+<p><i>Editor.</i> No, I think not!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Rise in Balloons.</span>&mdash;It would seem that A&euml;rostation, with an eye to
+affairs, has at length advanced to a possibility within the range of
+practical enterprise. Messrs. <span class="smcap">Jovis</span> and <span class="smcap">Mallet</span>, in their late balloon
+ascent from Paris, were accompanied by two Guinea-Pigs. Had these
+partakers of their voyage been deputed to attend that expedition in the
+interest, as Directors, of an A&euml;rial Navigation Company? And did they,
+in their official capacity, get the customary guineas, and enjoy the
+lunch provided as usual for their refreshment in the discharge of their
+arduous duties? If so, of course, it can't be said that a balloon was a
+place where those Guinea-Pigs had no business. The Balloon also
+contained two Pigeons; but these perhaps were birds of a different
+feather from Shareholders in a Joint-Stock speculation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/090.png">
+<img src="images/090.png" width="100%" alt="GETTING OUT OF IT" /></a>
+<h4>GETTING OUT OF IT.</h4>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Where <i>are</i> you going, George? The Omnibus will be here directly, and
+we're all ready to start.</span>"</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">"Yes, dearest! A&mdash;I forgot to tell you&mdash;I was to meet Brown at the Club
+about <i>those Shares</i>, you know, <i>unless he Telegraphed to the contrary</i>.
+Most <i>important</i>! But don't trouble about me&mdash;I'll get down by a later
+train, in time for supper.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>
+
+<h2>A "GOOD GUN."</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/091.png">
+<img src="images/091.png" width="100%" alt="A &quot;GOOD GUN.&quot;" /></a>
+<h4>A "GOOD GUN."</h4>
+<p><span class="smcap">S-l-sb-ry.</span> "I SAY, OLD FELLOW, I WISH YOU'D COME AND JOIN US, AFTER
+LUNCH!!"</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">H-rt-ngt-n.</span> "WELL&mdash;ER&mdash;FACT IS&mdash;I'M WAITING TO SEE IF MY PARTY'S COMING
+UP!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>
+
+<hr class="short" /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>The Moors. A Shooting Party at Lunch.</i></center>
+
+<p><i>Sm-th (throwing himself down).</i> Oh! I am so tired!</p>
+
+<p><i>B-lf-r (stretching himself languidly).</i> So am I!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sm-th.</i> Oh, <i>you</i> are <i>always</i> tired, aren't you? Look so, anyhow.
+Haven't been exerting yourself much, so far as I have seen, up to now.</p>
+
+<p><i>B-lf-r.</i> My dear fellow, you have yet to learn that hurry is not pace,
+and that fuss is not business.</p>
+
+<p><i>S-l-sb-ry.</i> Well, boys, don't squabble, but lunch. We've <i>all</i> done
+pretty badly, up to now, and unless we do better before sundown,&mdash;&mdash;
+[<i>Sighs and sips.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Sm-th (sorrowfully).</i> Yes, that's very true.&mdash;&mdash;
+[<i>Sips and sighs.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>B-lf-r.</i> Well, I'm glad it's lunch-time anyhow, for I'm fairly baked.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sm-th.</i> Nip of Irish, B.?</p>
+
+<p><i>B-lf-r.</i> Irish be&mdash;<i>proclaimed</i>! Sick of the very name of Irish. <i>Do</i>
+let's forget it for awhile, and hand me the J. J., there's a good
+fellow.</p>
+
+<p><i>S-l-sb-ry (musing).</i> Humph! Pretty pair of Sportsmen! Empty rotundity,
+and linked languor long drawn out. Wonder what <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span> would have thought
+of such a pair of guns, especially of "his successor." <i>Tracy Tupman</i>
+emulating <i>Mr. Winkle</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sm-th.</i> Eh? What? Beg pardon, <span class="smcap">S-l-sb-ry</span>, I'm <i>not</i> forty-winking.</p>
+
+<p><i>S-l-sb-ry.</i> Not at all, not at all. I was&mdash;ahem!&mdash;saying what a
+<i>Winkle</i>&mdash;ah&mdash;<span class="smcap">M-tth-ws</span> is!</p>
+
+<p><i>B-lf-r (disgustedly).</i> Oh, <span class="smcap">M-tth-ws</span>! Missed every bird he's tried at.
+Pity all burglars are not as bad shots as he. Couldn't hit a constable
+at ten yards.</p>
+
+<p><i>S-l-sb-ry (drily).</i> Not if he <i>tried</i>. I never feel safe at twenty. If
+he hasn't peppered us all round, it isn't <i>his</i> fault.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sm-th.</i> And&mdash;ahem&mdash;<span class="smcap">G-sch-n</span> hasn't turned out <i>quite</i> the success we
+expected, eh? That last miss of his was rather a bad one.</p>
+
+<p><i>S-l-sb-ry.</i> Humph! perhaps. Still, I wish he'd brought one or two of
+his friends with him.</p>
+
+<p><i>B-lf-r.</i> Well, perhaps they'll join us later on.</p>
+
+<p><i>S-l-sb-ry (aside).</i> I <i>hope</i> so. Not much prospect of a decent bag if
+they don't, I fear. Fact is, my party this year's a failure. Scarcely a
+good gun among them. Finest and largest shooting-ground we've had for
+years, and <i>yet</i> we can't make a bag. Adjoining Moor supposed to be an
+absolute failure, and yet the party who've taken it&mdash;on most Liberal
+terms I hear, and with little hope of good sport&mdash;are picking up birds
+like fun. Pop, pop, pop, pop! and every bang a bird. Old G. getting
+quite cock-a-whoop about it. Fancies he'll top us at the end of the
+shoot. Quite wrong, of course. Now that, at last, we've really dropped
+upon that rascally gang of Irish poachers who had leagued themselves
+together to play the mischief with our Moor, I guess we shall astonish
+G.'s party a trifle. <i>They</i> wink at the poaching Paddies. Most
+unsportsmanlike conduct I ever heard of. What'll they do, <i>now</i>, I
+wonder? Still we can't afford to go on muffing and missing <i>too</i> long.
+Bang! There goes another. And one of our birds, too, I'll be bound.
+Hillo! by Jove, there's <span class="smcap">H-rt-ngt-n</span>, sauntering this way, and by himself,
+too. Something like a shot, <i>he</i> is, and, if he'd join us&mdash;well, well,
+we shall see. Looks, as usual, as though he didn't care a single tomtit
+for things in general, and shooting in particular. Often lets a bird go
+from sheer indifference, but seldom misses one from lack of skill. Sure
+he can't be comfortable with <i>that</i> lot&mdash;indeed, he owns it. And they
+don't like his friendliness with us. Why can't he join us, and have done
+with it?</p>
+
+<p><i>H-rt-ngt-n (approaching).</i> Ah! there they are. And a jolly lot of
+Sportsmen they look. Poor <span class="smcap">S-l-sb-ry</span>, I pity him. Ought to have swept the
+Moors. Birds plentiful, and lots of guns. But no shots. Doosed awkward.
+Know what it is to shoot with a party one doesn't get on with. Our party
+not the right sort now; awfully mixed&mdash;doesn't suit me a bit. G. has let
+in too many outsiders. If they'd rally round me now, and let me pick
+'em! But the picked rallyers are so precious few, and the rest, instead
+of closing up to me, seem to be tailing off after <span class="smcap">Gl-dst-ne</span>, somehow,
+confound 'em! One <i>Ch-mb-rl-n</i> doesn't make a shooting party, even
+with <span class="smcap">Br-ght</span> thrown in. Don't want to shoot against <span class="smcap">S-l-sb-ry</span>, though,
+I'm sure. Much rather drive the birds his way. But join him!&mdash;humph!</p>
+
+<p><i>S-l-sb-ry (hailing).</i> Hillo, <span class="smcap">H-rt-ngt-n</span>, old man, how are you? All
+alone? Where's your party?</p>
+
+<p><i>H-rt-ngt-n.</i> Oh! they're along behind there, somewhere. How are <i>you</i>
+getting on?</p>
+
+<p><i>S-l-sb-ry.</i> Oh, pre-e-t-ty well&mdash;considering. Hardly got our hands in
+yet,&mdash;some of us (<i>significantly</i>). Birds a bit shy, too. But we shall
+get among them presently, and then!&mdash;(<i>sotto voce</i>). I say old
+fellow, why don't you join us&mdash;after lunch? <i>Capital</i> shooting-ground,
+but, ahem!&mdash;some of our fellows a <i>leetle</i> wild, and one or two regular
+cockneys. I wan't a real good gun or two badly, and then we should be
+safe for a splendid bag. (<i>Aloud.</i>) Come, old fellow, what do you say?</p>
+
+<p><i>H-rt-ngt-n.</i> Tha-a-nks. Awfully kind, I'm sure. But&mdash;ah&mdash;fact is, I'm
+just waiting to see if my Party's coming up.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>Left waiting.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/093.png">
+<img src="images/093.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY STATION PUZZLE" /></a>
+<h4>RAILWAY STATION PUZZLE. TO FIND A SEAT.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RICHARD JEFFERIES.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Lover</span> of Nature, whom her lovers love,</p>
+<p class="i2">Those who were dear to thee to them are dear:</p>
+<p class="i0">The world's hard way to lift their lives above</p>
+<p class="i2">Is a clear duty, welcome as 'tis clear.</p>
+<p class="i0">And if for every page of pure delight,</p>
+<p class="i2">Those fine and faithful fingers wrought for all,</p>
+<p class="i0">There came the slenderest gift, the poorest mite,</p>
+<p class="i2">More lightly on those stricken hearts might fall,</p>
+<p class="i0">The weight of sore bereavement, hard to bear,</p>
+<p class="i0">E'en when, as here, all men its sorrow share.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Ogres in Dairyland.</span>&mdash;Everybody has heard of Fairy Rings, which have a
+sweetly Arcadian sound. But "<i>Dairy</i> Rings" do not savour of Arcadia,
+save, perchance, in the sense suggested by the stock quotation,
+"<i>Arcades ambo</i>&mdash;blackguards both." The function of "Dairy Rings," it
+seems, is artificially and injuriously to keep up the cost of produce.
+Not until they are broken up will people really get "Milk
+Below"&mdash;monopoly prices.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RAPTURE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By a Radical.</i>)</center>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Mr. Chamberlain</span> (in the debate on the Lords' Amendments to the Land
+Bill) said, "he had never regarded the House of Lords as the special
+representatives of the community, that he would very much have
+preferred that an Amendment in the interests of the community should
+have proceeded from another quarter, that they were Commons' House
+of Parliament, and that it was they who had to look after the
+interests of the community, and not the House of Lords."
+(<i>Opposition Cheers.</i>)</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Hooray!</span> This is rather more like the old <span class="smcap">Joe</span>,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whom as pet of the Peers his old friends hardly know.</p>
+<p class="i0">Does "cushioned ease" tire him already,&mdash;so soon?</p>
+<p class="i0">Is "gentlemen" chumship no longer a boon?</p>
+<p class="i0">Can zeal for the Union no longer determine,</p>
+<p class="i0">The Birmingham champion to back up the ermine?</p>
+<p class="i0">This snub to the Peers is decidedly handsome,</p>
+<p class="i0">We'll soon have <span class="smcap">Joe</span> talking once more about "ransom."</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh! Spalding was splendid, and Bridgeton was brave,</p>
+<p class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Grosvenor's</span> defeat made the Unionists rave;</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Tom Sayers</span> ne'er landed his foe such a "oner,"</p>
+<p class="i0">As <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span> had at the hands of our <span class="smcap">Brunner</span>;</p>
+<p class="i0">But neither the news of Gladstonian gain,</p>
+<p class="i0">Of <span class="smcap">Trevelyan's</span> return, or the tantrums of <span class="smcap">Caine</span>,</p>
+<p class="i0">To Radical bosoms such a rapture affords,</p>
+<p class="i0">As Brummagem <span class="smcap">Joe</span> once more smiting the Lords!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Con. for the Connubially Inclined.</span>&mdash;What is the difference between an
+accepted and a rejected offer of marriage? The first leads to the
+Matrimonial Knot; the second is the Matrimonial Not.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>"Bon Voyage!"</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Mr. Caine</span>, who is tired Party knots of unravelling,</p>
+<p class="i0">Is off, so 'tis said, round the world to be travelling.</p>
+<p class="i0">Let's hope that much clearing of temper and brain</p>
+<p class="i0">May result from this new sort of "Wanderings of <span class="smcap">Cain(e)</span>".</p>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/094.png">
+<img src="images/094.png" width="100%" alt="IN THE CAUSE OF ART" /></a>
+<h4>IN THE CAUSE OF ART.</h4>
+<p><i>Patron.</i> "<span class="smcap">When are yer goin' to start my Wife's Picture and mine?
+'Cause, when the 'Ouse is up we're a goin'&mdash;&mdash;"</span></p>
+<p><i>Artist.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, I'll get the Canvases at once, and&mdash;&mdash;"</span></p>
+<p><i>Patron (millionnaire).</i> "<span class="smcap">Canvas! 'Ang it!&mdash;none o' yer Canvas for me!
+Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay for something better than
+Canvas!!</span>"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; [<i>Tableau!</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE ARTIST'S HOLIDAY;</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Or, a Brush With the Police.</span></h4>
+
+<p><i>Start for Isle of Wight.</i>&mdash;Market for Pictures so depressed, can only
+afford a fortnight away from Town this Summer. Never mind! Intend to
+have a high old time while it lasts. Shall travel over the whole
+Island&mdash;Cowes, Ryde, Ventnor, Shanklin, Alum Bay, and the Needles.
+Travelling suggests that I'm my own "traveller"&mdash;in the Oil and Colour
+line! Mustn't mention this joke to my aristocratic customers, however.</p>
+
+<p><i>On the Way Down.</i>&mdash;Read in my favourite newspaper&mdash;"Art is a fanciful
+and captious mistress, exacting many sacrifices from her servants, and
+not infrequently putting them to considerable inconvenience." Sounds
+unpleasant. Wish people wouldn't write like this. True, perhaps, but not
+edifying. Writer goes on to say of Artists that "Respectability is
+arrayed in arms against them, because their ways are not as those of its
+smug and unimaginative votaries." (Rather a good hit that&mdash;"smug and
+unimaginative;"&mdash;writer not such a fool as I thought.) "Mrs. <span class="smcap">Grundy</span>
+sniffs at them with righteous scorn, because their appearance, bearing,
+and habits, are not measurable by the standards of propriety." (I should
+hope not, indeed!) "The subaltern administrators of the law regard them
+with suspicion"&mdash;Humbug! Throw paper down in disgust. Never been
+interfered with by a policeman in my life. What is there in <i>me</i> to
+excite suspicion, I should like to know? Should write to Author of that
+article, and tell him he's an ass, only can't afford to waste a stamp
+just now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Southampton.</i>&mdash;Go on board boat for Ryde. Curious. Three men following
+me about everywhere! On stepping on to Ryde pier, they make a pounce on
+me. Ask to see my luggage. It seems they are "subaltern administrators
+of the law," disguised. I refuse to give up my keys; in order to mollify
+them, make a joke, and tell them "they can't Ryde the high horse here."
+Only reply they make is to break my bag open. Very objectionable. Crowd
+evidently think I'm a London thief, and hoot at me.</p>
+
+<p>Ask Detectives if they think I look like a Dynamiter? They say nothing,
+and wink. Seem to look on my question as a "leading," or rather a
+misleading, one. Thank Heaven! There's nothing suspicious in my
+Gladstone bag. But, as these are Government emissaries, perhaps the mere
+possession of a "Gladstone" bag is considered to connect me in some
+mysterious way with Parnellism, and so with crime. Is there such a thing
+as a "Salisbury" bag? Wish I'd got one if there is. Perhaps it would be
+a good move to tell them I'm a Unionist. They reply (gruffly) "they
+don't want none of my gab," and that <i>they</i> intend to find out what I am
+precious quick.</p>
+
+<p><i>At Police Station.</i>&mdash;(To which I've been taken, through a howling mob!)
+Bag opened. Several things appear to excite suspicion. Palette inspected
+carefully. If it hadn't been for bad success of my last humorous remark,
+should tell my captors that "I've no <i>palate</i> for conspiracy." My box of
+brushes regarded as highly questionable. Suggests obvious
+sporting-riddle&mdash;Why do they think I've been in at the death (of
+somebody or other?)&mdash;Answer: <i>because I've got the brush!</i> Bottle of
+Chinese White at once impounded. Considered to contain "an explosive
+composition," it seems. Detectives convey it carefully to middle of
+large field, and bury it, until Colonel <span class="smcap">Majendie</span> can come down from
+Town. What, however, is regarded as greatest proof of my nefarious
+tendencies is a picture of London Bridge in my portfolio. Detective asks
+triumphantly&mdash;"What made you draw that there bridge if you ain't a
+Fenian, now?" I reply "it's only a pot-boiler." Answer considered so
+very incriminating that I am immediately handcuffed and put in a cell.
+Never realised before what a very "fanciful and captious mistress," Art
+is, or what idiots "the subaltern administrators of the law" are capable
+of making of themselves.</p>
+
+<p><i>Three Days Later.</i>&mdash;Liberated! Am told it was "all a mistake." Chinese
+White bottle proved not to contain anything dangerous to human life.
+Pot-boiler restored me, slightly soiled. No excuses or apologies
+made&mdash;sent away with a "free pardon!" And this is England! Ah, they
+manage some things better in France!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<center>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</center>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/095a.png">
+<img src="images/095a.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>House of Lords, Monday, August 15.</i>&mdash;Some ordinary business on Agenda,
+but importance dwarfed by imposing demonstration made by <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span>. Session
+really coming to a close. <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> has done his share of speech-making.
+According to <span class="smcap">Denman</span> has appropriated more than fair share. Nevertheless,
+he finds in Mid-August quite an accumulation of odds and ends omitted
+from speeches prepared during last two years. If he doesn't work them
+off this Session will be out of date by next. That no insuperable
+objection to delivering speech in House of Lords; still, freshness and
+appropriateness not altogether without weight. How shall he dispose of
+the accumulated treasure? Thought once of publishing it in single
+Volume, call it "Jubilee Thoughts, by Earl of <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span>;" or "Peerless Wit
+and Wisdom, by a Peer." Found publishers not anxious to undertake
+proposal. Jubilee, they said, beginning to pall, too many books about of
+Wit and Wisdom. Happy thought! Why not throw the scraps into form of
+speech, and favour House of Lords with it? Some of the topics little
+ancient and continuity of thought difficult to simulate; but propose to
+"call attention to Socialistic legislation during the Sessions of 1886
+and 1887." That will cover everything.</p>
+
+<p>So arranged, and to-night, as soon as immaterial business disposed of,
+<span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> rose, and began his speech. Audience of eighteen, to begin with.
+Gradually diminished, till there remained, for fifth and final
+peroration, only four. Was a tremendous speech&mdash;bloodcurdling,
+convincing, and delivered with much animation. Never was a nation in
+such peril. Before Great Britain lay only Black Night and Despair.</p>
+
+<p>Might have been expected that, when <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> sat down, there would have
+been eager competition for precedence to take up the thread of debate so
+solemnly launched. But he'd overdone it. So terrified the few Peers
+present, that none could speak. Looked at each other with fitful,
+fearful glances. One by one they rose, and tremblingly tottered out.
+<span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> left in solitary possession of House, filled only with echoes of
+his fearsome jeremiad. Thus closed this memorable one-speech debate.
+<span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor</span> retaining presence of mind sufficient to adjourn the
+House, <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> picked up his notes, and went forth, probably to prepare
+for his own flight from the doomed country.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In Commons, Mines Bill in Committee.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 10%">
+<a href="images/095b.png">
+<img src="images/095b.png" width="100%" alt="Columbus, M. P." /></a>
+<h4>Columbus, M. P.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">John Manners</span> in his place to-night.
+Everyone glad to see him back again; Liberals, Conservatives,
+Dissentients, Unionists, whatever we be, all unite in saying a friendly
+word to <span class="smcap">John</span> on his convalescence.</p>
+
+<p>Another arrival greeted with more mixed feelings. <span class="smcap">Brunner</span>, flushed by
+his great victory in Northwich, comes up to be sworn in. Tremendous
+cheering on Liberal side. Dead silence among Ministerialists. Old
+Morality gazes up at glass roof with preoccupied air; thoughts far away
+from Westminster or Northwich either. <span class="smcap">Caine</span>, looking on from Bar, turns
+his back, and marches forth.</p>
+
+<p>"Another blessing in disguise," says he. "I think now I'll go off to
+Japan, and see how they're getting on with their projected Parliamentary
+Institutions. Might get some hints for forming our National Party."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 10%">
+<a href="images/095c.png">
+<img src="images/095c.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+<h4>T. B-rt.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Crimes Bill on again. Committee pegging away far into tomorrow. A good
+business-like debate, but a little dull. Minority of between seventy and
+eighty industriously tried to carry Amendments moved by <span class="smcap">Burt</span> and others.
+Majority, varying between 120 and 140, thinking matter over in privacy
+of smoke-room, news-room, and terrace, come up with minds fully made up
+on points of detail, and always vote with Ministers. <span class="smcap">Burt</span>, beaten again
+and again, comes back to scratch, looking, towards half-past two in the
+morning, a little broken down, but still full of fight.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Mines Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;House of Lords deserves well of its country. Is setting
+Commons example it will do well to follow. On Monday, as noted, <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span>
+made long speech, and, no one rising to follow in debate, House
+forthwith adjourned. Same thing happened on Tuesday when <span class="smcap">Denman</span>
+introduced beneficent proposals for limiting speeches. Met with success
+beyond his wildest expectations. Had asked that duration of speeches
+might be strictly limited. Lords with one accord forthwith accepted
+principle. Applied it so strictly that, as <span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor</span> in his
+epigrammatic way put it, "speeches were limited to silence." In fact no
+one spoke at all. <span class="smcap">Denman</span> had debate all to himself, and House adjourned.
+So pleased with this arrangement that it was carried a step further
+to-night. Only one speech was made. Was delivered from Woolsack. So
+brief may be quoted <i>verbatim</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"House will now adjourn," said <span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor</span>.</p>
+
+<p>That was all, and noble Lords dispersed.</p>
+
+<p>"Most pleasant, informing and useful sitting we've had for many
+Sessions," said <span class="smcap">Buckingham</span> to <span class="smcap">Chandos</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Allons!</i>" said <span class="smcap">Stratheden</span> to <span class="smcap">Campbell</span>, "let us go and visit those
+foolish Commons who waste their time in much speaking."</p>
+
+<p>Commons crowded and animated. Evidently no prospect here of foregoing
+speech-making. Sixty-eight questions on paper to begin with. <span class="smcap">George
+Campbell</span>, his mind athirst for information, wanted to know from
+President of Board of Trade what was the meaning of "allotment."
+<span class="smcap">Ritchie</span>, with elbow leaning negligently on box, and legs crossed,
+mockingly referred the ingenuous Knight to <i>Johnson's Dictionary</i>.
+Curiously reminiscent of <i>Mephistopheles</i> bantering <i>Faust</i>, was <span class="smcap">Ritchie</span>
+as he looked across at <span class="smcap">Campbell</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Old Morality announced abandonment of various Government measures,
+dropping tear over each. Emotion became monotonous towards tenth tear,
+and Opposition rudely laughed. But Old Morality had his revenge later.
+Quite a long time since he has "pounced." But as midnight drew on, and
+little progress made, began to grow desperate. <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span> suddenly
+turned upon his allies, attacked them in rattling speech. Even voted
+against them when Division called. Government majority went down from
+customary hundred to alarming forty-two. Then Old Morality, goaded to
+madness, "pounced" right and left. <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span> stirred up <span class="smcap">Goschen</span> with long
+pole; <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> yawned ostentatiously when <span class="smcap">Dillon</span> convicted him of
+ignorance of Irish affairs; <span class="smcap">Parnell</span> pounded away; <span class="smcap">T. W. Russell</span> withdrew
+from alliance with Government; <span class="smcap">Tim Healy</span> chuckled; <span class="smcap">Joseph Gillis</span>
+alternately jeered and groaned. But Old Morality came out victor.
+Whenever lull occurred he moved Closure, and so presently wound up
+sitting.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/095d.png">
+<img src="images/095d.png" width="100%" alt="Mephistopheles, M. P." /></a>
+<h4>Mephistopheles, M. P.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Split between "Dissentient Liberals" and Government.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;House not so full to-night. Rumour about that there was
+something to fore in Lords. Members migrated thither. Only a few Peers
+present. Markiss rose, and in matter-of-fact tone, as if offering
+observation on state of weather, announced Proclamation of National
+League. Fifteen Peers present successfully controlled emotion, and
+passed on to ordinary business. Commons, penned in Gallery above, and
+crowded at Bar below, rushed to own House,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> carrying news with them.
+Arrived just in time to hear <span class="smcap">Hanbury</span> question Government on quite other
+subject. <span class="smcap">Hanbury's</span> hawk eye had discovered in the Estimates vote for
+salary of Master of Hawks. Wanted to know who he was, what he did for a
+living, and how many hawks he might have to deal with in course of year.
+Frank and somewhat startling disclosure from Treasury Bench. The
+existence of Master of Hawks admitted; regular payment of his salary
+confessed. Only hitch was that there were no hawks. Still, there have
+been hawks in time of <span class="smcap">Stuarts</span>. An impecunious nobleman had obtained
+office, with reversion to eldest son; and so, through the ages,
+unsuspecting taxpayer had subscribed salary. House so ashamed to
+discover its remissness as custodian of Public purse, that, by common
+consent, subject dropped. But silent resolution taken that noble
+Hawk-master shall have drawn his salary for last time.</p>
+
+<p>Then <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> confirmed statement made in other House about Proclamation
+of National League. Announcement received, on the whole, in grim
+silence, also not without its portent. House then took up Allotments
+Bill, with which it wrestled in business fashion for rest of sitting.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;National League Proclaimed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MEASURE FOR MEASURE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Shakspeare adapted to "The Times."</i>)</center>
+
+<blockquote>
+"Oppression hath made up this League."</blockquote>
+
+<center><i>King John</i>, Act iii., Scene 1.</center><br />
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Angelo</i> ... Lord <span class="smcap">S-l-sb-ry</span>.<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Escalus</i> ... <span class="smcap">B-lf-r</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Escalus.</i> Every leader it hath writ hath disvouched other.</p>
+
+<p><i>Angelo.</i> In most uneven and distracted manner. Its actions show much
+like to madness: pray heaven its wisdom be not tainted. Yet can we own
+ourselves beaten, and redeliver our authority?</p>
+
+<p><i>Esc.</i> I guess not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> And why should we proclaim it a few days before our departure,
+that if any crave redress of injustice, they must not exhibit their
+discontent in the street?</p>
+
+<p><i>Esc.</i> It shows its reason for that: to have a despatch of complaints;
+and to deliver us from devices hereafter, which shall then have no power
+to stand against us.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Well, I beseech you, let it be proclaimed!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Tale of Arabi.</span>&mdash;The recent unsuccessful effort to secure the release
+of <span class="smcap">Arabi Pasha</span>, recalls the trial of that unfortunate Egyptian when he
+was so ably defended by a distinguished member of the British Bar. On
+that occasion, to put it Broadley, he was more of a patriot than a
+criminal.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<i><span class="smcap">Eclipse</span></i> first, the rest nowhere," is a celebrated racing record. The
+disappointed astronomers of Europe, last Friday, modified the
+<i>mot</i>&mdash;"Eclipse nowhere" is the common burden of their reports.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Motto for Agriculturists.</span>&mdash;Set a parasite (<i>the Chalcis fly to wit</i>) to
+catch a parasite (<i>the Hessian ditto</i>).</p><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A BURNING QUESTION.</h2>
+
+<center><i>By Our Own Cricket Enthusiast.</i></center>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The four Counties in whose doings the interest of the Cricketing
+public is centred, were all hard at work yesterday. [Friday, August
+19.] Yorkshire doing very badly against Surrey at the Oval, and
+Nottinghamshire showing to considerable disadvantage with Lancashire
+at Old Trafford."&mdash;<i>Daily News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, don't talk to me of the close of the Session, or who's to be Premier, perchance, in the next one;</p>
+<p class="i0">Those questions, no doubt, may excite party spouters, but there is a far more important and vext one.</p>
+<p class="i0">The Cricketing Season draws fast to a close; the rain's come at last with inopportune bounty.</p>
+<p class="i0">And there is a question eclipsing all others,&mdash;which, <i>which</i> for this year will be Premier County?</p>
+<p class="i0">It's narrowing down,&mdash;oh, it's narrowing down, and it grows more soul-harrowing every minute,</p>
+<p class="i0">For Surrey and Lancashire, Yorkshire and Notts are the only four Counties a man can call "in it."</p>
+<p class="i0">Trent-Bridge is astir with a fever of fidgets, the Tykes are all hurry, and worry, and flurry,</p>
+<p class="i0">Old Trafford is all upon thorns, and, by Jove, what excitement there is at the Oval in Surrey!</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Hornby</span> and <span class="smcap">Hawke</span> cannot sleep of a night, and their nerves into coolness in vain strive to tutor;</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> and <span class="smcap">Salisbury's</span> rivalry's child's-play compared with the ditto of <span class="smcap">Sherwin</span> and <span class="smcap">Shuter</span>.</p>
+<p class="i0">Plague upon Jupiter Pluvius! <i>Why</i> did he not hang aloof just a week or two longer?</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh, don't talk to me of your turnips and things,&mdash;what are they to the question which team is the stronger?</p>
+<p class="i0">Glorious season for Cricket all round, as is proved by the lots of Leviathan scoring,</p>
+<p class="i0">And now, hang it all, at the very identical point when it comes to the pinch, it is pouring.</p>
+<p class="i0">Cockshies all chance, every average crabs, this detestable deluge. Slow wickets and sticky.</p>
+<p class="i0">Muck even the great <span class="smcap">Arthur Shrewsbury's</span> play, and make <span class="smcap">Walter Read's</span> chance of top-average dicky,</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Arthur's</span> two centuries <i>plus</i> sixty-seven, falls off to a pitiful seven-and-twenty,</p>
+<p class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Barlow</span> and <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> have it all their own way; three "ducks" in one innings&mdash;of Notts men&mdash;seems plenty.</p>
+<p class="i0">Look at poor Yorkshire again! <span class="smcap">Martin Hawke</span> did his best to choose right, but caked wickets <i>plus</i> <span class="smcap">Lohmann</span>,</p>
+<p class="i0">Are far too long odds e'en for <span class="smcap">Ulyett</span> and <span class="smcap">Hall</span>; and who can foresee English weather? Why, no man.</p>
+<p class="i0">Wants a cool sticker like <span class="smcap">Scotton</span> to stand it. Eh? Gives the poor bowlers a look in? Oh, granted,</p>
+<p class="i0">Good trundling's a part of the game to be sure, but you see at this crisis it's <i>scoring</i> that's wanted,</p>
+<p class="i0">Dashes the 'gazers, this downing the wickets like nine-pins in swamp with muck-moisture afloat all,</p>
+<p class="i0">And then ninety-two for a tall-scoring team like our Notts, you must own's a contemptible total,</p>
+<p class="i0">Middlesex plays in and out; lots of scorers like <span class="smcap">Webbe</span>, <span class="smcap">Stoddart</span>, <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <span class="smcap">O'Brien</span>, and <span class="smcap">Vernon</span>.</p>
+<p class="i0">But <span class="smcap">Robertson</span>, <span class="smcap">Burton</span>, and <span class="smcap">West</span> want assistance as bowlers, and bowling's a thing wins will turn on.</p>
+<p class="i0">Gloucester's slap out of it. Pity poor <span class="smcap">Grace</span> with a team he can seldom bring up to the scratch, Sir,</p>
+<p class="i0">So that, in spite of his own startling scores, the, at one time, "Invincibles" scarce win a match, Sir,</p>
+<p class="i0">Sussex,&mdash;well, <span class="smcap">Quaife</span> is a promising bat, and you always may look for some notches from <span class="smcap">Newham</span>,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whilst J. and A. <span class="smcap">Hide</span> are a host in themselves; but good fortune this season has failed to pursue 'em.</p>
+<p class="i0">Kent, with Lord <span class="smcap">Harris</span>, the family of <span class="smcap">Hearnes</span>, and <span class="smcap">Rashleigh</span>, with credit should carry field matters on,</p>
+<p class="i0">But this year they'll not be at top of the tree, 'spite the bowling of <span class="smcap">Wooton</span>, the smiting of <span class="smcap">Patterson</span>.</p>
+<p class="i0">Leicester has got a good trundler in <span class="smcap">Pougher</span>, but one bowler won't make a good (Cricket) summer,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whilst Derbyshire's <span class="smcap">Chatterton</span>, <span class="smcap">Cropper</span>, and <span class="smcap">Ratcliff</span> don't make her, at present, the new (Cricket) comer.</p>
+<p class="i0">As for game Essex,&mdash;well, evergreen <span class="smcap">Green</span>, who has done in his day some redoubtable cricket,</p>
+<p class="i0">Will own he will not have a look in <i>this</i> year, e'en with <span class="smcap">Buxton</span>, and <span class="smcap">Bishop</span>, and <span class="smcap">Bryan</span>, and <span class="smcap">Pickett</span>.</p>
+<p class="i0">No, we must still look to one of the four; and oh, what a lot hope that one will be Surrey,</p>
+<p class="i0">Fancy the spirits of <span class="smcap">Griffith</span> and <span class="smcap">Southerton</span>&mdash;(chums of that "barn-door" whom no one could flurry,</p>
+<p class="i0">Stout little <span class="smcap">Jupp</span>)&mdash;must just now haunt the Oval, or hold ghostly confabulations at Mitcham,</p>
+<p class="i0">Discussing the way in which <span class="smcap">Shuter's</span> lot cut 'em and drive 'em, and swipe 'em, and place 'em, and pitch 'em.</p>
+<p class="i0">And oh! <i>if</i> smart <span class="smcap">Shuter</span>, crack <span class="smcap">Read</span>, steady <span class="smcap">Lohmann</span>, and swift-footed <span class="smcap">Maurice</span>, and cat-like young <span class="smcap">Abel</span></p>
+<p class="i0"><i>Should</i> once more put Surrey at top of the tree, won't the Oval just be a tumultuous Babel?</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr><td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/096a.png">
+<img src="images/096a.png" width="100%" alt="Woo &quot;Ton.&quot;" /></a>
+<h4>Woo "Ton."</h4>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/096b.png">
+<img src="images/096b.png" width="100%" alt="&quot;Baa low!&quot;" /></a>
+<h4>"Baa low!"</h4>
+</div>
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/096c.png">
+<img src="images/096c.png" width="100%" alt="&quot;&#39;Ull yet?&quot;" /></a>
+<h4>"'Ull yet?"</h4>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/096d.png">
+<img src="images/096d.png" width="100%" alt="&quot;Hide!&quot;" /></a>
+<h4>"Hide!"</h4>
+</div>
+</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/096e.png">
+<img src="images/096e.png" width="100%" alt="The Family &quot;Urn.&quot;" /></a>
+<h4>The Family "Urn."</h4>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/096f.png">
+<img src="images/096f.png" width="100%" alt="Puffer." /></a>
+<h4>Puffer.</h4>
+</div>
+</td></tr>
+
+</table>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 45px;">
+<img src="images/096g.gif" width="45" height="20" alt="pointing finger" />
+</div>
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume
+93. August 27, 1887, by Various
+
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume 93.
+August 27, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume 93. August 27, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 18, 2010 [EBook #33459]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 93.
+
+  AUGUST 27, 1887.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF SUPPORT.
+
+_A Fragment of a coming Contemporary Romance._
+
+    "Is it possible that Mr. GLADSTONE, not content with having allied
+    himself with the Parnellites, or with having endeavoured to sow
+    jealousies between the component parts of the United Kingdom, is at
+    last endeavouring to purchase the parliamentary support of the
+    South-Eastern Railway? The idea seems almost too humiliating to be
+    entertained; but it is not easy to place any other interpretation
+    upon this new and startling announcement. Can it be conceived that
+    the safety of England ranks as nothing in his estimation when it is
+    brought into competition with the possibility of winning a few votes
+    from the interested supporters of a commercial enterprise?"--_Times._
+
+VOL. I.--THE COMPACT.
+
+IT was on a sultry August evening in the memorable year 1887 that a
+stranger, whose anxious gaze, now and again fixed on the entrance,
+denoted the fact that he was awaiting the arrival of one of the Members,
+crossed and re-crossed the pavement of the Hall of the Reform Club with
+a step that indicated a high condition of nervous trepidation. To the
+casual observer he might have passed for a solicitor in an extreme state
+of irritability. The Hall-Porter, however, who had watched him narrowly,
+had recognised him for who he was. He knew that the restless interloper,
+who had several times peered into his carpet-bag, and examined specimens
+of Channel chalk, and had, when he thought no one was looking, hacked a
+London, Chatham and Dover trains'-bill with his penknife, was no other
+than the famous Sir EDWARD WATKIN, the then Chairman of the
+South-Eastern Railway Company. He approached him.
+
+"He won't be long," he said, intuitively guessing the object of his
+visit, and addressing him kindly. "Ha! hark! Here he comes!" He had
+scarcely spoken, when a roaring cheer, borne on the sweet evening air,
+broke the comparative silence of the street outside, and in another
+minute a surging and struggling mob, who were shouting themselves
+hoarse, had deposited safely from their shoulders, on the door-step of
+the Club, their great hero and idol, whom they had thus, as was their
+wont, nightly carried in triumph from the House.
+
+The ex-Premier, for indeed the buoyant bearing, the high shirt-collar,
+and the contagious enthusiasm of the new arrival proclaimed his identity
+at once, dashed up the steps three at a time, and, waving a radiant
+farewell of thanks to the crowd, bounded into the Hall, where, seeing
+the stranger, he instantly seized him by the arm, and hurriedly led him
+to a recess.
+
+"This is very good and genial of you, my dear Sir EDWARD," he commenced.
+
+The other eyed him cautiously. "You wanted to see me?" he rejoined,
+sulkily.
+
+"Yes, indeed!" was the brisk reply. "I wished to tell you that, as you
+had been wicked enough,--ha! ha!--to conceive the idea of uniting
+England and France by a Tunnel, I had been wicked enough also to
+determine to help you to do it. Ha! ha!" He laughed long and loud. His
+interlocutor stared at him for a few moments aghast. Then he clutched
+him.
+
+"You mean this?" he asked, growing pale with excitement as he spoke.
+"You mean that you will vote for the Bill?"
+
+"Not only vote for the Bill, but make it a Government measure." As he
+spoke he was interrupted by a commotion in Pall Mall. Some Junior
+Members of the Carlton were by way of a practical joke, common enough at
+this season, dropping a Unionist Liberal out of the first-floor windows
+into the area, and their merriment over the exploit resounded loudly
+down the street. The ex-Premier heard it and a wonderful smile played
+upon his almost beautiful features. "You see, they are going to pieces
+next door," he added exultingly, "I shall be in in a few weeks, nothing
+can stop me; and then, I give you my word, you shall have your Tunnel."
+
+The other approached him. There was a curious look in his eye. "You have
+your price?" he asked. "Name it," he added under his breath, glancing
+around him furtively to see they were not overheard.
+
+The great Statesman winked knowingly. "Merely the South-Eastern vote,"
+he whispered. "Come, is it a bargain at that?"
+
+"Done!" was the quick rejoinder. They grasped hands.
+
+"Show this gentleman to a four-wheeler," said the ex-Premier.
+
+So they parted. But as the Grand Old Politician turned towards the
+supper-room there was a fine triumphant lustre beaming in his eye, for
+he knew, that if he had possibly betrayed his country, he had at least
+squared the Railway Company. He had made the _compact_!
+
+VOL. II.--PAID IN FULL.
+
+The country was about to face a great crisis in its history. Yet, as the
+year 1894 opened, there were little evidences of the approaching storm.
+It is true that the Gladstone Cabinet were still in power, and were
+passing exasperating measures. But this was nothing new. Last year they
+had abolished Compulsory Vaccination, and had passed the Country Estates
+Popular Appropriation Act. They had inaugurated the first Session of the
+present one by suppressing the Volunteer Movement, and cutting down the
+Naval and Military votes respectively to the modest figure of L2,000,000
+a year; and they pointed to the Channel Tunnel, now opened about sixteen
+months, for a triumphant vindication of these Imperial economies. They
+argued that a country that could pour a perpetual stream of Cook's
+Tourists night and day over to the Continent, had given a guarantee for
+preserving International peace such as would warrant it in reducing the
+expense for its defences to a pecuniary minimum; and, though they met
+with some opposition from the Permanent Departments, and were hotly
+criticised by an angry mob of naval and military men, who found
+themselves, at a moment's notice, both thrown out of work, and deprived
+of their pay, they, nevertheless, carried their point, and effected the
+proposed reductions. But a thunder-clap was about to fall upon the
+unsuspecting country from a blue sky, and the Channel Tunnel, which had
+inspired its misguided leaders with a baseless confidence, was destined
+to inflict the shock.
+
+It became known in London suddenly on the morning of the Tuesday in the
+Easter Recess that the approaches to the Tunnel had been suddenly seized
+by a hostile French force that had landed by the night-mail disguised as
+tourists, and that the key of the apparatus destined to flood it in any
+case of emergency, was not forthcoming, the Chairman of the Company, who
+had charge of it, having suddenly disappeared without leaving his
+address. It was also further rumoured that the guns commanding the
+shore-exit had been spiked by active Shareholders anxious to protect
+their property from destruction at all hazards, and were useless. When,
+therefore at eleven o'clock, the second edition of the morning papers
+announced that a French army was pouring through the Tunnel, and
+occupying the neighbouring heights, at the rate of ten thousand men an
+hour, the panic became indescribable. Nor did it diminish when it was
+further known that the French Ambassador, leaving a threatening
+ultimatum behind him, had that afternoon taken his departure for Paris.
+The country flew to arms. Sir ARCHIBALD HARRISON hastily collected the
+available force at Aldershot, and took up his position on the Hog's
+Back, and awaited the approach of the enemy with 213 men, all told, and
+three guns. They took no notice of him. At twelve the following day it
+was known that the Duke of CAMBRIDGE, falling back on Sydenham, in
+command of a handful of Volunteers and a squadron of the Household
+Cavalry hurriedly got together, had capitulated in the Refreshment
+Department.
+
+The details of the disaster spread like wildfire. The consternation was
+terrific. The LORD MAYOR went into hysterics, and was, by common
+consent, removed to Colney Hatch, while an angry mob invaded the War
+Office, and seizing any members of the Ordnance Committee they could lay
+hold of, forthwith dragged them out, and lynched them in Pall Mall. That
+same evening a French army, 350,000 strong, entered London in triumph.
+
+A few outrages marked this occupation. The Nelson Column was thrown
+down, Waterloo Bridge blown up, Piccadilly re-christened the Rue
+Boulanger, and the whole of Madame TUSSAUD'S Collection seized as
+National property.
+
+So matters stood, but the cutting off of the food supply, thirty
+shillings being charged at a West-End Club for a plate of indifferent
+tinned-rabbit, soon brought matters to a crisis. The Cabinet that at the
+first approach of the enemy, had instantly retired to the Island of
+Lewis, came cautiously up to town and opening negotiations for peace
+with the French Government, finally signed the Tottenham Court Road
+treaty, and provided for the evacuation of the country by the invader.
+The terms were stringent and somewhat severe. In addition to agreeing to
+the cession of India, Australia, the Cape, Canada and all her
+Mediterranean possessions, together with the division of her Fleet among
+the Navies of Europe, England undertook to pay an indemnity in ready
+money at the Bank of England of five-hundred millions sterling.
+
+       * * *
+
+As a cordon of French troops was keeping back the sullen crowd that
+thronged the space in front of the Royal Exchange and watched the
+waggons heavily laden with the bullion that was about to be transferred
+to the South-Eastern Railway for transmission to France, a tall, elastic
+figure wearing a high shirt-collar, pushed eagerly up the steps of the
+Mansion House, and gazed reflectively at the scene that was being
+enacted below. Presently some one touched it. It turned.
+
+"Ha! Sir EDWARD," was the bright recognition, "who would ever have
+thought of meeting you again, and who would ever have conceived," the
+cheery voice continued, "that our little compact should have ended in
+this!" The speaker pointed with a significant smile to the waggons of
+bullion lumbering beneath. "Well," responded the other with a suggestive
+dryness, "my support got you into power at any rate!"
+
+A marvellous brightness overspread the features of his interlocutor.
+"Yes, it did," he replied, "and though I am quite confident that
+posterity will say it was worth the price, I see," he added airily,
+waving his hand in the direction of the Bank, "that at the present
+moment it is apparently being _paid in full_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REMARKS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNANSWERED.
+
+"WELL, GOOD-BYE, DEAR MRS. JONES. I'M AFRAID I'VE PUT YOU OUT BY CALLING
+AT THIS UNEARTHLY HOUR."
+
+"OH, I HOPE I DIDN'T SHOW IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SALUBRITIES ABROAD.
+
+_Hotel Continental, Royat._--Our party here (which, somehow or another,
+PULLER has contrived to get together and introduce to each other by the
+simple means of inducing M. HALL to give us a room to ourselves for a
+small _table-d'hote_ at the un-Royat-like hour of 7.30) consists of La
+Contessa CASANOVA, the English wife of an Italian merchant, the head of
+a large house of business in London--she is Marchesa or Contessa, I am
+not certain which, but PULLER styles her _Miladi_ and _Madame_. She is
+devoted to the serious Drama, and her pet subject is SALVINI in
+_Othello_. Her daughter, an elegant young English girl, lively, amusing,
+and with a bias in favour of the very lightest forms of theatrical
+entertainment.
+
+Then we have Madame METTERBRUN and her daughters, Anglo-Germans,
+thorough musicians, with WAGNER at their fingers' ends,--literally, as
+they are accomplished pianists. There is Mrs. DINDERLIN, who was here
+last year, and is taking the waters seriously, and who knows when to put
+in the right word at the right moment. Cousin JANE who is taking the
+waters still more seriously and who is an excellent listener: myself an
+impartial referee: and PULLER the Solicitor out for a holiday, who is
+alternately in the highest of spirits or the lowest depths of
+depression, according as the waters and weather affect him. Outside our
+party there are others whom I meet occasionally, consisting of the lady
+who finds fault with everything French, the gentleman who laughs at
+everything French, the grumbler whom nothing satisfies, the contented
+man who is pleased with everything, the man who after being here a day
+is intensely bored, the man who from the moment of his arrival is always
+studying Guide-books and _indicateurs_ to see what is the best and
+easiest way of getting away again: the patient who has come all the way
+here to see the Doctor and then refuses to do anything he tells him: the
+patient who has come to find out what on earth is the matter with him:
+the man who doctors himself, and two or three ladies of my acquaintance
+of whom I only catch occasional glimpses as they issue from Sedan-chairs
+or muffled up like the Turkish women, merely recognise me with their
+eyes, incline their heads and pass on their way with a little
+drinking-glass in their hands.
+
+To me Royat is an amusing place: it is certainly a pretty one, and its
+waters in most cases are decidedly of lasting benefit. What those "most
+cases" are, the patients themselves best know.
+
+       * * *
+
+For expanse there is nothing like the sea, and for grandeur the snow
+mountains. Unless I go up to the Puy de Dome--which I do not mean to do,
+for I have been up there once, and never, never, never will go there
+again--I cannot see either. And even from the top of the Puy you can
+only discern the sea, or Mont Blanc, with a very good glass, on a very
+clear day.
+
+       * * *
+
+M. BOISGOBEY'S description of a Parisian Club in his latest book (I
+delight in BOISGOBEY now that there is no GABORIAU) called
+_Grippe-Soleil_ will amuse London Club members. The only two Clubs in
+Paris I ever saw were not a bit like BOISGOBEY'S description.
+
+       * * *
+
+When anyone who has been under treatment a week, unexpectedly meets a
+friend here, he stops short, stares at him, examines him from head to
+foot, and then exclaims, in a tone of utter astonishment, "What!! _you_
+here!!" as if the new arrival were either an intruder or a lunatic. The
+person thus addressed immediately retorts in an injured tone, "Well,
+what on earth are you here for?" and then he adds maliciously, "there
+doesn't seem to be much the matter with _you_." Now to say this is to
+utter your deliberate opinion that the person you are addressing is at
+Royat (or any other Salubrity Abroad wherever it may be) under the false
+pretence of being an invalid, and is therefore, to put it plainly, a
+shammer, an impostor.
+
+       * * *
+
+After this greeting, explanations follow. The first man has to prove his
+right to be at Royat, and the second man has to admit the evidence to be
+incontestable, on the condition, implied but not expressed, of his own
+case being taken as thoroughly warranting his taking the baths and
+_traitement_ generally at Royat.
+
+       * * *
+
+Then comes the question of Doctors. "Who shall decide when Doctors
+disagree?"--but who shall decide when patients disagree about Doctors?
+"Whom do you go to?" asks the suffering SMITH of the invalid Brown.
+"Well," says BROWN, apologetically,--because he is not sure, this being
+his first visit, that he might not have gone to a better man, "I go to
+Dr. CHOSE," and noticing the astonishment depicted on his friend's face,
+he hastens to explain, "SQUILLS sent me to him." The suffering SMITH
+professes himself puzzled to know why on earth SQUILLS always sends his
+patients to CHOSE. "Dr. REM'S the man for you, my boy," says SMITH. But
+BROWN feels that he is in the toils of SQUILLS, and that it would not be
+fair to him or to CHOSE, if he suddenly left the latter and sought the
+advice of Dr. REM, on the sole recommendation of SMITH who, after all,
+is not a professional.
+
+       * * *
+
+Then two _habitues_ meet. "I always go to CHOSE," says eczematic JONES,
+dogmatically, "first-rate fellow, CHOSE. All the French go to him.
+_They_ know." "Ah!" returns gouty ROBINSON, with conviction, "I never
+have been to anyone but REM. He's the chap. All the English go to him.
+Best man in Royat." And if it weren't the hour for one of them to go and
+drink Eugenie water, and for the other to take his second glass of St.
+Mart, they would have a row and come to blows.
+
+       * * *
+
+PULLER tells me that there's one London Doctor, describing himself as a
+Gynaecologist ("A guinea-cologist," parenthetically remarks PULLER), who
+always sends his patients here. I think he says his name is Dr. BARNES.
+"He sends so many," says PULLER, "that I propose changing the name of
+the place from Royat-les-Bains into Royat-les-Barnes." I see why he
+introduced the name of BARNES. Fortunately he is so delighted with this
+_jeu de mot_, which I fancy I've heard before, that he is off to tell
+his friends in the Parc, and, as I pass a group, I overhear him
+explaining the point of it to a French lady and her husband, with whom
+he has a speaking acquaintance. For PULLER likes what he calls "airing
+his French," and is not a bit shy.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Band is performing another new tune! How is this? I can account for
+it. It rained nearly all yesterday, and so the musicians didn't come
+out. How did they occupy themselves? In rehearsal. Well here's one good
+effect of rain at Royat, it brings out the new tunes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL PARALLELS. No. 2.
+
+THE LORDLY CECIL ENTERTAINS HIS SOVEREIGN. HATFIELD, 1573 AND 1887.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Pretty Plate to Set Before the Queen.
+
+    "The Queen's Plates are henceforth to be devoted to improving the
+    breed of horses."
+
+  A MOST wise change that sense for long has wished,
+  But, Phoebus! how the "Platers" will be dished!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INVITATION.
+
+(_To a well-known Air._)
+
+    "Mr. FREDERICK MAUDE, Honorary Secretary of the 'Liberal Union,' has
+    resigned that post in consequence of his disapproval of the attitude
+    taken up by the leaders of the 'Liberal Unionist' party towards the
+    leaders of the Liberal party, and of his inability to support the
+    programme of a Tory Government."
+
+  COME back to Hawarden, MAUDE,
+    For the Tory black flag's flown!
+  Come back to Hawarden, MAUDE,
+    Leave HARTY and JOE alone;
+  For the Government plainly is all abroad,
+    And the Unionist game is blown.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "CHEF DOUVRES."--The L. C. & D.'s new steamer _Empress_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL IN PLAY.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Town is supposed to be empty, except of the poor
+persons who are forced to attend the Houses of Parliament, and the
+toiling millions of the East End, who are, however, of no account in the
+West. In spite of this dearth of population, the Gaiety (which I
+attended on your behalf, looking and feeling as much like you as I
+possibly could) was very full on the first night of _Loyal Love_, a play
+which has apparently been put upon the stage for the personal and
+exclusive benefit of Mrs. BROWN-POTTER.
+
+[Illustration: Saved by the Bottle.]
+
+Certainly this talented lady has vastly improved since she made her
+first appearance in _Man and Wife_, and has only to continue at the same
+rate of progress to become in a very short time a really admirable
+actress. _Loyal Love_ is rather a foolish piece, and reminded me equally
+of the _Lady of Lyons_, _Romeo and Juliet_, and _Box and Cox_. The plot
+was feeble in the extreme; and had not Mrs. BROWN-POTTER made a decided
+point by calling a rude and ancient king, who _would_ wear his hat in
+the presence of ladies, "Old Man," I really think the performance would
+have fallen rather flat. As it was, the phrase (which was accepted by
+the "first-nighters" as a colloquial "Americanism") put everyone in good
+humour, and the last Act, with its amusing mock poisonings, and comical
+arrests and counter-arrests, went with every token of genial
+satisfaction. By the way, the "bottle trick" (by which poison is turned
+into wine) should be treated more avowedly in a spirit of burlesque.
+Were a decanter of pantomimic proportions introduced, the effect would
+be excellent. _Loyal Love_ is not a good name for this funny little--it
+is only in four Acts--play. It is a pity, as the hero and heroine are
+always declaring that they would like to live and die together on a
+desert island, that it was not called _Mr. and Mrs. Robinson Crusoe_,
+with an explanatory subtitle of the _Purposeless Plotter, the
+Death-Dealing Wine-Cellar, and the Grand Old King_.
+
+[Illustration: Heroic Proportions.]
+
+At the Adelphi a new and original drama called _The Bells of Haslemere_,
+has been produced amidst the enthusiastic applause of the entire Press.
+I am sorry to say I was a little disappointed. No doubt my expectations
+had been unduly raised by the "notices." It appeared to me that there
+was nothing absolutely and entirely new and original in the play, save a
+series of hats worn by Mr. JOHN BEAUCHAMP in the character of a
+fraudulent trustee. However, it is only just to say that the _chapeaux
+of Joseph Thorndyke_ were unique. Had they been produced as "exhibits"
+to an affidavit read during a summons heard before one of the Chief
+Clerks in the Chancery Division of the High Court of Justice, they must
+have assisted materially in rendering virtue triumphant, ay, with or
+without an appeal to the Judge. One of the authors of the piece, Mr.
+SYDNEY GRUNDY, is a well-known barrister, and no doubt the legal
+training of this learned gentleman suggested their most appropriate
+introduction. _Joseph Thorndyke_ uncovered, might have been faithful to
+his _cestui que_ trust, but _in_ his hat he could only have
+proved--what, alas! he was--a fraudulent trustee. Mr. TERRISS as _Frank
+Beresford_, bore a striking resemblance to the naval lieutenant in the
+_Harbour Lights_ whose escape from one action (on board ship) to defend
+another (in a police court) roused the enthusiasm of the pit and gallery
+for so many hundred nights, and Miss MILLWARD in both pieces was much
+about the same individual. But in spite of this conventionality, the
+play was decidedly interesting to the audience, who filled the cheaper
+parts of the house. In fact I am inclined to believe that the critics
+are right, and that _The Bells_ will ring for any number of nights. The
+scenery was admirable, and I should like to see it again. I am not quite
+so sure that anything else in the drama would induce me to pay the
+Adelphi a second visit. Stay, I think I should like to bestow another
+glance on Mr. BEAUCHAMP'S hats. I am all but certain, that from a
+fraudulent-trustee-point-of-view, they are absolutely faultless,--yes,
+absolutely faultless.
+
+[Illustration: A Hat(e)ful Character.]
+
+The Crystal Palace, now that the new Bill is on the fair road to become
+law, seemingly has taken a fresh lease of popularity. The evening
+_fetes_ are a great feature, and jaded Londoners can scarcely do better
+than to take a train from Victoria or St. Paul's, and spend a pleasant
+couple of twilight hours amidst the lamps and (on Thursdays) the
+fireworks. In the daytime there is always an excellent panorama, and
+frequently a successful play performed by its original London company.
+This last has always a charm for
+
+  Yours most truly,
+
+  ONE WHO HAS GONE TO PIECES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADAM SLAUGHTERMAN.[A]
+
+_By Walker Weird, Author of "Hee Hee," "Solomon's Ewers," &c._
+
+[Illustration: very Sincerely yours Adam Slaughterman]
+
+CHAPTER I.--BLOOD RELATIONS.
+
+"IT is very kind of you to come round," I said, to my two friends, Sir
+HARRY and BONG, as they threw themselves violently into two arm-chairs
+(which almost broke under the brutal force of their descent), and
+emptied two casks of whiskey.
+
+As I looked at Sir HARRY, with his wide shoulders and deeper chest, I
+could not help thinking what a curious contrast I was to him, with my
+head of grizzled hair cut short and starting up like a half-worn
+scrubbing-brush. Then there was BONG, who is not like either of us,
+being short, dark, stout,--_very_ stout,--with twinkling black eyes
+everlastingly hidden by blue spectacles.
+
+"Look here, old fellow," said Sir HARRY, "why shouldn't we give up
+civilisation, and go in for the mud--I mean blood--baths in South
+Africa?"
+
+I fairly jumped at his words.
+
+"Nothing I should like better. And you, BONG?"
+
+BONG is so overpoweringly frivolous.
+
+"I'll go, because I am getting fat."
+
+"Shut up, BONG," said Sir HARRY, and then we screamed at the witticism
+for three hours. After that we started for Africa, in search of the land
+of the White-eyed Kaffirs, which we believed to be somewhere south of
+the Westminster Aquarium, the Alhambra, and other Music-Halls in which a
+specimen of the race had occasionally been seen.
+
+On our arrival in Africa we found our old friend, UMBUGSOAPYGAS, with
+his huge battle-axe (playfully called Kosikutums or "the brain-pricker,"
+from a habit he had of chipping life out of a man's cranium), awaiting
+us. He was a huge savage, with a large piece of loose skin concealing
+the right side of his face, which was absolutely boneless. UMBUGSOAPYGAS
+was delighted to see us.
+
+"O cove, O cove-dat-am-cool!"--(Oh individual, oh individual without the
+influence of passion!)--"brave one, great one! Let me come with thee to
+swim in gore!"
+
+I let him say this, as I saw his enthusiasm was producing a marked
+effect upon the minds of some niggers that were listening to him. But
+after he had said it, I thought it better to stop his vapouring;
+for there is nothing I hate so much, as this Zulu system of extravagant
+praising--"zwaggering," as they call it.
+
+"Shut up!" I cried, the more especially as I saw that he was getting the
+blood-fever upon him, and savagely destroying with his huge axe a
+spider's cobweb.
+
+He gave me a sort of nod, and seized the niggers by their throats until
+their eyes cracked. Then, with roars of laughter (for they really looked
+most ridiculous), we followed the blacks into the boat, and went to the
+Mission House of the Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE, without any further adventure
+than cutting off at the wrist the hand of one of the murderous tribe of
+Lorkymussies.
+
+CHAPTER II.--MISSION WORK IN SOUTH AFRICA.
+
+The Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE and his wife and child lived in great comfort
+amidst the people they had taught so carefully. I do not quite know what
+the educational curriculum happened to be, but no doubt it would have
+merited the approval of the London School Board. They had a French cook,
+called ADOLPHE, who seemingly had been obtained from a travelling Circus
+that no doubt had passed the Mission House in the course of a provincial
+tour.
+
+"Oh, the monster! See the horrible man. He is a Mister Black," said
+ADOLPHE, looking at UMBUGSOAPYGAS. The savage in a moment had dragged
+out the little Frenchman's eyes, thrown them high in the air, rubbed
+them in salt, and replaced them in their sockets. BONG, Sir HARRY, and I
+could not help laughing.
+
+A little later we were called in by Mrs. BANG MCSAXPENCE, and soon were
+enjoying a really good cup of tea, I was putting forth my hand for a
+fresh supply, when the breakfast-things were knocked over by a head
+freshly severed from the trunk.
+
+"Rough and _reddy_!" I suggested, with a laugh.
+
+"Another carpet spoiled!" said gentle Mrs. MCSAXPENCE, trying to wipe
+out the deep crimson stain.
+
+"This is serious," observed the Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE arming himself with
+a carving-knife, "the Lorkymussies are upon us. And, to cause me greater
+annoyance, they have kidnapped my daughter TOTTIE."
+
+This turned out to be the case, and although we could not help smiling
+at the notion of a fair-haired little girl being at the mercy of some
+clumsy, tomahawking, brutal cannibals, we felt very sorry for the
+bereaved father.
+
+We started. The first victim was a sentinel. UMBUGSOAPYGAS clutched him
+by the throat and pulling his head back, tore it off with a crack, like
+the popping of a soda-water cork. Then we were upon them. There were
+yells, crashes, and blood all over the place. The "Brain-pricker" was
+here there and everywhere, scooping out brains just like a cheese-scoop
+scoops out cheese to be tasted by the customers of a London butterman.
+It really was all very amusing, and in spite of our servants being
+absolutely cut to pieces, we were in the gayest spirits imaginable. That
+all should end happily, who should turn up at the last moment but
+TOTTIE, with a little pail into which the dear child had poured the
+heart's blood of some of her persecutors.
+
+"I shot six of them with my own little revolver," said the interesting
+infant, as I stroked her golden-hair with my crimson-coloured fingers;
+"wasn't it clever of me?"
+
+We had a very good lunch, the _poulet a la Portugaise_ of ADOLPHE being
+particularly worthy of a second helping. After this meal was over, I
+went to the Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE, and taking him by the arm, observed,
+"I really think you ought to give up this sort of life. You see you owe
+a duty to your wife and daughter--especially the latter, who, if she
+does not receive any education, and only mixes with bloodthirsty
+cannibals, may grow up wild, shunning her kind."
+
+"You are right, SLAUGHTERMAN," replied the Minister, straightening his
+carving-knife, which since the night before had severed many a human
+rib. "I made up my mind to it this very morning, just before I began my
+hacking and slaying. I won't risk another fight, but leave it to a
+younger Clergyman. And besides, between you and me, I am well off. It is
+thirty thousand pounds I am worth to-day, and every farthing of it made
+by honest trade, and savings in the bank at Zanzibar--for living costs
+me here next to nothing."
+
+"You are right."
+
+"I am sure of it," answered the Clergyman. "I will turn my back upon
+this place in a month. But it will be a wrench--it will be a wrench."[B]
+
+CHAPTER III.--WATER ON THE BRAIN.
+
+We left the Rev. BANG MCSAXPENCE (whose successor, by the way, was
+killed and eaten six weeks later), taking with us the little ADOLPHE (a
+most invaluable butt for our buffooneries), and voyaged into the
+Unknown. We got into a boat, and throwing overboard some niggers to pick
+up dead swans, they were immediately (much to our amusement) drowned.
+This made us think, and we came to the conclusion that they must have
+been carried to death by a current. In a moment our canoe began to fly
+along as if seized with a mighty hand, and we were in a tunnel. The
+water hurried us along, and we had scarcely time to notice that we were
+passing now "Baker Street Station," now "Portland Road," now "King's
+Cross," when we were close to a gigantic lily of fire that nearly
+roasted us. We passed, got to some rocks, and were trying to get a cab,
+or at least a fly, when we suddenly came across a number of spiders.
+They were dreadful creatures. They foamed at the mouth, screamed at one
+another, and devoured their invalid relations.
+
+Here I should like to pause to write something _really_ terrible about
+these spiders, but must hurry on, as there is still a deal of killing to
+be done before I get to the end of my narrative. Enough to say I may
+return to those spiders some of these days, and out of their webs spin a
+three-volume novel of unusual grimness and humour.
+
+Shortly after this we emerged from the tunnel (passing by a place called
+Gloucester Road), and found ourselves in the land of the White-eyed
+Kaffirs.[C]
+
+CHAPTER IV.--QUITE KILLING.
+
+The country we now occupied was called New Pendy--no doubt because it
+had never been written about before. It is not very necessary to
+describe the lands or the people; and really the most remarkable thing
+in the place was a staircase, of a very wonderful character. Let the
+reader imagine, if he can, a splendid stairway, sixty-five feet from
+balustrade to balustrade, consisting of two vast flights, each of one
+hundred and twenty-five steps, of eight inches in height, by three feet
+broad, connected by a flat resting-place sixty feet in length, and
+running from the palace wall, on the edge of the precipice down to meet
+a waterway or canal cut to its foot from the river. This was the great
+staircase, the magnificence of which fairly took our breath away.[D]
+
+Having described the staircase, it is only necessary to say that the New
+Pendies were governed by two Queens, one of whom fell in love with Sir
+HARRY and married him, quarrelled with her sister, and engaged in a
+civil war which rent the country in twain. This naturally occasioned a
+good deal of bloodshed. Never shall I forget the manner in which
+TRYLEAPYEA (the lady who honoured Sir HARRY with her preference) wooed
+that individual. When they first met they could not speak the same
+language, so she took a pencil from me and made a delightful little
+sketch, which I give in the margin. There is no difficulty in
+recognising a bride expressing admiration at a wedding-cake.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       * * *
+
+Need I say that after her marriage TRYLEAPYEA'S subjects had the most
+terrible fight with the subjects of her sister SARAMARIAH, which was
+chiefly waged on the staircase. This happened after I and UMBUGSOAPYGAS
+had performed together a kind of "Turpin's Ride to York," from the
+battlefield. ADOLPHE escaped to post these memoirs--UMBUGSOAPYGAS was
+cut to pieces. Sir HENRY and BONG in his blue spectacles, were kept for
+ever in the New Pendy country, and, finally, I myself was killed,
+funeralled, and cremated.[E]
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[A] _Editor._ Surely I have heard this title before, or one very similar
+to it?
+
+_Author._ No, I think not.
+
+[B] _Editor._ Surely I have read this conversation, almost word for
+word, somewhere?
+
+_Author._ No, I think not.
+
+[C] _Editor._ The description of the tunnel seems to have some reference
+to a recent flooding of the Metropolitan Railway?
+
+_Author._ No, I think not.
+
+[D] _Editor._ Surely I have read this wonderfully graphic description of
+a flight of steps somewhere before?
+
+_Author._ No, I think not.
+
+[E] _Author._ Stop, stop, this is disgraceful! Why into about a dozen
+lines you have compressed two-thirds of my story! I had pages, and
+pages, and pages of slaughter! If you do not print them in full, I am
+sure the public will be disappointed!
+
+_Editor._ No, I think not!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RISE IN BALLOONS.--It would seem that Aerostation, with an eye to
+affairs, has at length advanced to a possibility within the range of
+practical enterprise. Messrs. JOVIS and MALLET, in their late balloon
+ascent from Paris, were accompanied by two Guinea-Pigs. Had these
+partakers of their voyage been deputed to attend that expedition in the
+interest, as Directors, of an Aerial Navigation Company? And did they,
+in their official capacity, get the customary guineas, and enjoy the
+lunch provided as usual for their refreshment in the discharge of their
+arduous duties? If so, of course, it can't be said that a balloon was a
+place where those Guinea-Pigs had no business. The Balloon also
+contained two Pigeons; but these perhaps were birds of a different
+feather from Shareholders in a Joint-Stock speculation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GETTING OUT OF IT.
+
+"WHERE _ARE_ YOU GOING, GEORGE? THE OMNIBUS WILL BE HERE DIRECTLY, AND
+WE'RE ALL READY TO START."
+
+"YES, DEAREST! A--I FORGOT TO TELL YOU--I WAS TO MEET BROWN AT THE CLUB
+ABOUT _THOSE SHARES_, YOU KNOW, _UNLESS HE TELEGRAPHED TO THE CONTRARY_.
+MOST _IMPORTANT_! BUT DON'T TROUBLE ABOUT ME--I'LL GET DOWN BY A LATER
+TRAIN, IN TIME FOR SUPPER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "GOOD GUN."
+
+[Illustration: A "GOOD GUN."
+
+S-L-SB-RY. "I SAY, OLD FELLOW, I WISH YOU'D COME AND JOIN US, AFTER
+LUNCH!!"
+
+H-RT-NGT-N. "WELL--ER--FACT IS--I'M WAITING TO SEE IF MY PARTY'S COMING
+UP!!"]
+
+       * * *
+
+SCENE--_The Moors. A Shooting Party at Lunch._
+
+_Sm-th (throwing himself down)._ Oh! I am so tired!
+
+_B-lf-r (stretching himself languidly)._ So am I!
+
+_Sm-th._ Oh, _you_ are _always_ tired, aren't you? Look so, anyhow.
+Haven't been exerting yourself much, so far as I have seen, up to now.
+
+_B-lf-r._ My dear fellow, you have yet to learn that hurry is not pace,
+and that fuss is not business.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry._ Well, boys, don't squabble, but lunch. We've _all_ done
+pretty badly, up to now, and unless we do better before
+sundown,----[_Sighs and sips._
+
+_Sm-th (sorrowfully)._ Yes, that's very true. [_Sips and sighs._
+
+_B-lf-r._ Well, I'm glad it's lunch-time anyhow, for I'm fairly baked.
+
+_Sm-th._ Nip of Irish, B.?
+
+_B-lf-r._ Irish be--_proclaimed_! Sick of the very name of Irish. _Do_
+let's forget it for awhile, and hand me the J. J., there's a good
+fellow.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry (musing)._ Humph! Pretty pair of Sportsmen! Empty rotundity,
+and linked languor long drawn out. Wonder what DIZZY would have thought
+of such a pair of guns, especially of "his successor." _Tracy Tupman_
+emulating _Mr. Winkle_.
+
+_Sm-th._ Eh? What? Beg pardon, S-L-SB-RY, I'm _not_ forty-winking.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry._ Not at all, not at all. I was--ahem!--saying what a
+_Winkle_--ah--M-TTH-WS is!
+
+_B-lf-r (disgustedly)._ Oh, M-TTH-WS! Missed every bird he's tried at.
+Pity all burglars are not as bad shots as he. Couldn't hit a constable
+at ten yards.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry (drily)._ Not if he _tried_. I never feel safe at twenty. If
+he hasn't peppered us all round, it isn't _his_ fault.
+
+_Sm-th._ And--ahem--G-SCH-N hasn't turned out _quite_ the success we
+expected, eh? That last miss of his was rather a bad one.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry._ Humph! perhaps. Still, I wish he'd brought one or two of
+his friends with him.
+
+_B-lf-r._ Well, perhaps they'll join us later on.
+
+_S-l-sb-ry (aside)._ I _hope_ so. Not much prospect of a decent bag if
+they don't, I fear. Fact is, my party this year's a failure. Scarcely a
+good gun among them. Finest and largest shooting-ground we've had for
+years, and _yet_ we can't make a bag. Adjoining Moor supposed to be an
+absolute failure, and yet the party who've taken it--on most Liberal
+terms I hear, and with little hope of good sport--are picking up birds
+like fun. Pop, pop, pop, pop! and every bang a bird. Old G. getting
+quite cock-a-whoop about it. Fancies he'll top us at the end of the
+shoot. Quite wrong, of course. Now that, at last, we've really dropped
+upon that rascally gang of Irish poachers who had leagued themselves
+together to play the mischief with our Moor, I guess we shall astonish
+G.'s party a trifle. _They_ wink at the poaching Paddies. Most
+unsportsmanlike conduct I ever heard of. What'll they do, _now_, I
+wonder? Still we can't afford to go on muffing and missing _too_ long.
+Bang! There goes another. And one of our birds, too, I'll be bound.
+Hillo! by Jove, there's H-RT-NGT-N, sauntering this way, and by himself,
+too. Something like a shot, _he_ is, and, if he'd join us--well, well,
+we shall see. Looks, as usual, as though he didn't care a single tomtit
+for things in general, and shooting in particular. Often lets a bird go
+from sheer indifference, but seldom misses one from lack of skill. Sure
+he can't be comfortable with _that_ lot--indeed, he owns it. And they
+don't like his friendliness with us. Why can't he join us, and have done
+with it?
+
+_H-rt-ngt-n (approaching)._ Ah! there they are. And a jolly lot of
+Sportsmen they look. Poor S-L-SB-RY, I pity him. Ought to have swept the
+Moors. Birds plentiful, and lots of guns. But no shots. Doosed awkward.
+Know what it is to shoot with a party one doesn't get on with. Our party
+not the right sort now; awfully mixed--doesn't suit me a bit. G. has let
+in too many outsiders. If they'd rally round me now, and let me pick
+'em! But the picked rallyers are so precious few, and the rest, instead
+of closing up to me, seem to be tailing off after GL-DST-NE, somehow,
+confound 'em! One _Ch-mb-rl-n_ doesn't make a shooting party, even
+with BR-GHT thrown in. Don't want to shoot against S-L-SB-RY, though,
+I'm sure. Much rather drive the birds his way. But join him!--humph!
+
+_S-l-sb-ry (hailing)._ Hillo, H-RT-NGT-N, old man, how are you? All
+alone? Where's your party?
+
+_H-rt-ngt-n._ Oh! they're along behind there, somewhere. How are _you_
+getting on?
+
+_S-l-sb-ry._ Oh, pre-e-t-ty well--considering. Hardly got our hands in
+yet,--some of us (_significantly_). Birds a bit shy, too. But we shall
+get among them presently, and then!----(_sotto voce_). I say old
+fellow, why don't you join us--after lunch? _Capital_ shooting-ground,
+but, ahem!--some of our fellows a _leetle_ wild, and one or two regular
+cockneys. I wan't a real good gun or two badly, and then we should be
+safe for a splendid bag. (_Aloud._) Come, old fellow, what do you say?
+
+_H-rt-ngt-n._ Tha-a-nks. Awfully kind, I'm sure. But--ah--fact is, I'm
+just waiting to see if my Party's coming up. [_Left waiting._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY STATION PUZZLE. TO FIND A SEAT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RICHARD JEFFERIES.
+
+  LOVER of Nature, whom her lovers love,
+    Those who were dear to thee to them are dear:
+  The world's hard way to lift their lives above
+    Is a clear duty, welcome as 'tis clear.
+  And if for every page of pure delight,
+    Those fine and faithful fingers wrought for all,
+  There came the slenderest gift, the poorest mite,
+    More lightly on those stricken hearts might fall,
+  The weight of sore bereavement, hard to bear,
+  E'en when, as here, all men its sorrow share.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OGRES IN DAIRYLAND.--Everybody has heard of Fairy Rings, which have a
+sweetly Arcadian sound. But "_Dairy_ Rings" do not savour of Arcadia,
+save, perchance, in the sense suggested by the stock quotation,
+"_Arcades ambo_--blackguards both." The function of "Dairy Rings," it
+seems, is artificially and injuriously to keep up the cost of produce.
+Not until they are broken up will people really get "Milk
+Below"--monopoly prices.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAPTURE.
+
+(_By a Radical._)
+
+    MR. CHAMBERLAIN (in the debate on the Lords' Amendments to the Land
+    Bill) said, "he had never regarded the House of Lords as the special
+    representatives of the community, that he would very much have
+    preferred that an Amendment in the interests of the community should
+    have proceeded from another quarter, that they were Commons' House
+    of Parliament, and that it was they who had to look after the
+    interests of the community, and not the House of Lords."
+    (_Opposition Cheers._)
+
+  HOORAY! This is rather more like the old JOE,
+  Whom as pet of the Peers his old friends hardly know.
+  Does "cushioned ease" tire him already,--so soon?
+  Is "gentlemen" chumship no longer a boon?
+  Can zeal for the Union no longer determine,
+  The Birmingham champion to back up the ermine?
+  This snub to the Peers is decidedly handsome,
+  We'll soon have JOE talking once more about "ransom."
+  Oh! Spalding was splendid, and Bridgeton was brave,
+  And GROSVENOR'S defeat made the Unionists rave;
+  TOM SAYERS ne'er landed his foe such a "oner,"
+  As SALISBURY had at the hands of our BRUNNER;
+  But neither the news of Gladstonian gain,
+  Of TREVELYAN'S return, or the tantrums of CAINE,
+  To Radical bosoms such a rapture affords,
+  As Brummagem JOE once more smiting the Lords!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CON. FOR THE CONNUBIALLY INCLINED.--What is the difference between an
+accepted and a rejected offer of marriage? The first leads to the
+Matrimonial Knot; the second is the Matrimonial Not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bon Voyage!"
+
+  MR. CAINE, who is tired Party knots of unravelling,
+  Is off, so 'tis said, round the world to be travelling.
+  Let's hope that much clearing of temper and brain
+  May result from this new sort of "Wanderings of CAIN(E)".
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE CAUSE OF ART.
+
+_Patron._ "WHEN ARE YER GOIN' TO START MY WIFE'S PICTURE AND MINE?
+'CAUSE, WHEN THE 'OUSE IS UP WE'RE A GOIN'----"
+
+_Artist._ "OH, I'LL GET THE CANVASES AT ONCE, AND----"
+
+_Patron (millionnaire)._ "CANVAS! 'ANG IT!--NONE O' YER CANVAS FOR ME!
+PRICE IS NO OBJEC'! I CAN AFFORD TO PAY FOR SOMETHING BETTER THAN
+CANVAS!!"     [_Tableau!_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARTIST'S HOLIDAY;
+
+OR, A BRUSH WITH THE POLICE.
+
+_Start for Isle of Wight._--Market for Pictures so depressed, can only
+afford a fortnight away from Town this Summer. Never mind! Intend to
+have a high old time while it lasts. Shall travel over the whole
+Island--Cowes, Ryde, Ventnor, Shanklin, Alum Bay, and the Needles.
+Travelling suggests that I'm my own "traveller"--in the Oil and Colour
+line! Mustn't mention this joke to my aristocratic customers, however.
+
+_On the Way Down._--Read in my favourite newspaper--"Art is a fanciful
+and captious mistress, exacting many sacrifices from her servants, and
+not infrequently putting them to considerable inconvenience." Sounds
+unpleasant. Wish people wouldn't write like this. True, perhaps, but not
+edifying. Writer goes on to say of Artists that "Respectability is
+arrayed in arms against them, because their ways are not as those of its
+smug and unimaginative votaries." (Rather a good hit that--"smug and
+unimaginative;"--writer not such a fool as I thought.) "Mrs. GRUNDY
+sniffs at them with righteous scorn, because their appearance, bearing,
+and habits, are not measurable by the standards of propriety." (I should
+hope not, indeed!) "The subaltern administrators of the law regard them
+with suspicion"--Humbug! Throw paper down in disgust. Never been
+interfered with by a policeman in my life. What is there in _me_ to
+excite suspicion, I should like to know? Should write to Author of that
+article, and tell him he's an ass, only can't afford to waste a stamp
+just now.
+
+_Southampton._--Go on board boat for Ryde. Curious. Three men following
+me about everywhere! On stepping on to Ryde pier, they make a pounce on
+me. Ask to see my luggage. It seems they are "subaltern administrators
+of the law," disguised. I refuse to give up my keys; in order to mollify
+them, make a joke, and tell them "they can't Ryde the high horse here."
+Only reply they make is to break my bag open. Very objectionable. Crowd
+evidently think I'm a London thief, and hoot at me.
+
+Ask Detectives if they think I look like a Dynamiter? They say nothing,
+and wink. Seem to look on my question as a "leading," or rather a
+misleading, one. Thank Heaven! There's nothing suspicious in my
+Gladstone bag. But, as these are Government emissaries, perhaps the mere
+possession of a "Gladstone" bag is considered to connect me in some
+mysterious way with Parnellism, and so with crime. Is there such a thing
+as a "Salisbury" bag? Wish I'd got one if there is. Perhaps it would be
+a good move to tell them I'm a Unionist. They reply (gruffly) "they
+don't want none of my gab," and that _they_ intend to find out what I am
+precious quick.
+
+_At Police Station._--(To which I've been taken, through a howling mob!)
+Bag opened. Several things appear to excite suspicion. Palette inspected
+carefully. If it hadn't been for bad success of my last humorous remark,
+should tell my captors that "I've no _palate_ for conspiracy." My box of
+brushes regarded as highly questionable. Suggests obvious
+sporting-riddle--Why do they think I've been in at the death (of
+somebody or other?)--Answer: _because I've got the brush!_ Bottle of
+Chinese White at once impounded. Considered to contain "an explosive
+composition," it seems. Detectives convey it carefully to middle of
+large field, and bury it, until Colonel MAJENDIE can come down from
+Town. What, however, is regarded as greatest proof of my nefarious
+tendencies is a picture of London Bridge in my portfolio. Detective asks
+triumphantly--"What made you draw that there bridge if you ain't a
+Fenian, now?" I reply "it's only a pot-boiler." Answer considered so
+very incriminating that I am immediately handcuffed and put in a cell.
+Never realised before what a very "fanciful and captious mistress," Art
+is, or what idiots "the subaltern administrators of the law" are capable
+of making of themselves.
+
+_Three Days Later._--Liberated! Am told it was "all a mistake." Chinese
+White bottle proved not to contain anything dangerous to human life.
+Pot-boiler restored me, slightly soiled. No excuses or apologies
+made--sent away with a "free pardon!" And this is England! Ah, they
+manage some things better in France!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM
+
+THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_House of Lords, Monday, August 15._--Some ordinary business on Agenda,
+but importance dwarfed by imposing demonstration made by WEMYSS. Session
+really coming to a close. WEMYSS has done his share of speech-making.
+According to DENMAN has appropriated more than fair share. Nevertheless,
+he finds in Mid-August quite an accumulation of odds and ends omitted
+from speeches prepared during last two years. If he doesn't work them
+off this Session will be out of date by next. That no insuperable
+objection to delivering speech in House of Lords; still, freshness and
+appropriateness not altogether without weight. How shall he dispose of
+the accumulated treasure? Thought once of publishing it in single
+Volume, call it "Jubilee Thoughts, by Earl of WEMYSS;" or "Peerless Wit
+and Wisdom, by a Peer." Found publishers not anxious to undertake
+proposal. Jubilee, they said, beginning to pall, too many books about of
+Wit and Wisdom. Happy thought! Why not throw the scraps into form of
+speech, and favour House of Lords with it? Some of the topics little
+ancient and continuity of thought difficult to simulate; but propose to
+"call attention to Socialistic legislation during the Sessions of 1886
+and 1887." That will cover everything.
+
+So arranged, and to-night, as soon as immaterial business disposed of,
+WEMYSS rose, and began his speech. Audience of eighteen, to begin with.
+Gradually diminished, till there remained, for fifth and final
+peroration, only four. Was a tremendous speech--bloodcurdling,
+convincing, and delivered with much animation. Never was a nation in
+such peril. Before Great Britain lay only Black Night and Despair.
+
+Might have been expected that, when WEMYSS sat down, there would have
+been eager competition for precedence to take up the thread of debate so
+solemnly launched. But he'd overdone it. So terrified the few Peers
+present, that none could speak. Looked at each other with fitful,
+fearful glances. One by one they rose, and tremblingly tottered out.
+WEMYSS left in solitary possession of House, filled only with echoes of
+his fearsome jeremiad. Thus closed this memorable one-speech debate.
+LORD CHANCELLOR retaining presence of mind sufficient to adjourn the
+House, WEMYSS picked up his notes, and went forth, probably to prepare
+for his own flight from the doomed country.
+
+_Business done._--In Commons, Mines Bill in Committee.
+
+[Illustration: Columbus, M. P.]
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday._--JOHN MANNERS in his place to-night.
+Everyone glad to see him back again; Liberals, Conservatives,
+Dissentients, Unionists, whatever we be, all unite in saying a friendly
+word to JOHN on his convalescence.
+
+Another arrival greeted with more mixed feelings. BRUNNER, flushed by
+his great victory in Northwich, comes up to be sworn in. Tremendous
+cheering on Liberal side. Dead silence among Ministerialists. Old
+Morality gazes up at glass roof with preoccupied air; thoughts far away
+from Westminster or Northwich either. CAINE, looking on from Bar, turns
+his back, and marches forth.
+
+"Another blessing in disguise," says he. "I think now I'll go off to
+Japan, and see how they're getting on with their projected Parliamentary
+Institutions. Might get some hints for forming our National Party."
+
+[Illustration: T. B-rt.]
+
+Crimes Bill on again. Committee pegging away far into tomorrow. A good
+business-like debate, but a little dull. Minority of between seventy and
+eighty industriously tried to carry Amendments moved by BURT and others.
+Majority, varying between 120 and 140, thinking matter over in privacy
+of smoke-room, news-room, and terrace, come up with minds fully made up
+on points of detail, and always vote with Ministers. BURT, beaten again
+and again, comes back to scratch, looking, towards half-past two in the
+morning, a little broken down, but still full of fight.
+
+_Business done._--Mines Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--House of Lords deserves well of its country. Is setting
+Commons example it will do well to follow. On Monday, as noted, WEMYSS
+made long speech, and, no one rising to follow in debate, House
+forthwith adjourned. Same thing happened on Tuesday when DENMAN
+introduced beneficent proposals for limiting speeches. Met with success
+beyond his wildest expectations. Had asked that duration of speeches
+might be strictly limited. Lords with one accord forthwith accepted
+principle. Applied it so strictly that, as LORD CHANCELLOR in his
+epigrammatic way put it, "speeches were limited to silence." In fact no
+one spoke at all. DENMAN had debate all to himself, and House adjourned.
+So pleased with this arrangement that it was carried a step further
+to-night. Only one speech was made. Was delivered from Woolsack. So
+brief may be quoted _verbatim_:--
+
+"House will now adjourn," said LORD CHANCELLOR.
+
+That was all, and noble Lords dispersed.
+
+"Most pleasant, informing and useful sitting we've had for many
+Sessions," said BUCKINGHAM to CHANDOS.
+
+"_Allons!_" said STRATHEDEN to CAMPBELL, "let us go and visit those
+foolish Commons who waste their time in much speaking."
+
+Commons crowded and animated. Evidently no prospect here of foregoing
+speech-making. Sixty-eight questions on paper to begin with. GEORGE
+CAMPBELL, his mind athirst for information, wanted to know from
+President of Board of Trade what was the meaning of "allotment."
+RITCHIE, with elbow leaning negligently on box, and legs crossed,
+mockingly referred the ingenuous Knight to _Johnson's Dictionary_.
+Curiously reminiscent of _Mephistopheles_ bantering _Faust_, was RITCHIE
+as he looked across at CAMPBELL.
+
+Old Morality announced abandonment of various Government measures,
+dropping tear over each. Emotion became monotonous towards tenth tear,
+and Opposition rudely laughed. But Old Morality had his revenge later.
+Quite a long time since he has "pounced." But as midnight drew on, and
+little progress made, began to grow desperate. CHAMBERLAIN suddenly
+turned upon his allies, attacked them in rattling speech. Even voted
+against them when Division called. Government majority went down from
+customary hundred to alarming forty-two. Then Old Morality, goaded to
+madness, "pounced" right and left. HARCOURT stirred up GOSCHEN with long
+pole; BALFOUR yawned ostentatiously when DILLON convicted him of
+ignorance of Irish affairs; PARNELL pounded away; T. W. RUSSELL withdrew
+from alliance with Government; TIM HEALY chuckled; JOSEPH GILLIS
+alternately jeered and groaned. But Old Morality came out victor.
+Whenever lull occurred he moved Closure, and so presently wound up
+sitting.
+
+[Illustration: Mephistopheles, M. P.]
+
+_Business done._--Split between "Dissentient Liberals" and Government.
+
+_Friday._--House not so full to-night. Rumour about that there was
+something to fore in Lords. Members migrated thither. Only a few Peers
+present. Markiss rose, and in matter-of-fact tone, as if offering
+observation on state of weather, announced Proclamation of National
+League. Fifteen Peers present successfully controlled emotion, and
+passed on to ordinary business. Commons, penned in Gallery above, and
+crowded at Bar below, rushed to own House, carrying news with them.
+Arrived just in time to hear HANBURY question Government on quite other
+subject. HANBURY'S hawk eye had discovered in the Estimates vote for
+salary of Master of Hawks. Wanted to know who he was, what he did for a
+living, and how many hawks he might have to deal with in course of year.
+Frank and somewhat startling disclosure from Treasury Bench. The
+existence of Master of Hawks admitted; regular payment of his salary
+confessed. Only hitch was that there were no hawks. Still, there have
+been hawks in time of STUARTS. An impecunious nobleman had obtained
+office, with reversion to eldest son; and so, through the ages,
+unsuspecting taxpayer had subscribed salary. House so ashamed to
+discover its remissness as custodian of Public purse, that, by common
+consent, subject dropped. But silent resolution taken that noble
+Hawk-master shall have drawn his salary for last time.
+
+Then BALFOUR confirmed statement made in other House about Proclamation
+of National League. Announcement received, on the whole, in grim
+silence, also not without its portent. House then took up Allotments
+Bill, with which it wrestled in business fashion for rest of sitting.
+
+_Business done._--National League Proclaimed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
+
+(_Shakspeare adapted to "The Times."_)
+
+    "Oppression hath made up this League."
+    _King John_, Act iii., Scene 1.
+
+  _Angelo_ ... Lord S-L-SB-RY.
+
+  _Escalus_ ... B-LF-R.
+
+_Escalus._ Every leader it hath writ hath disvouched other.
+
+_Angelo._ In most uneven and distracted manner. Its actions show much
+like to madness: pray heaven its wisdom be not tainted. Yet can we own
+ourselves beaten, and redeliver our authority?
+
+_Esc._ I guess not.
+
+_Ang._ And why should we proclaim it a few days before our departure,
+that if any crave redress of injustice, they must not exhibit their
+discontent in the street?
+
+_Esc._ It shows its reason for that: to have a despatch of complaints;
+and to deliver us from devices hereafter, which shall then have no power
+to stand against us.
+
+_Ang._ Well, I beseech you, let it be proclaimed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF ARABI.--The recent unsuccessful effort to secure the release
+of ARABI PASHA, recalls the trial of that unfortunate Egyptian when he
+was so ably defended by a distinguished member of the British Bar. On
+that occasion, to put it Broadley, he was more of a patriot than a
+criminal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_ECLIPSE_ first, the rest nowhere," is a celebrated racing record. The
+disappointed astronomers of Europe, last Friday, modified the
+_mot_--"Eclipse nowhere" is the common burden of their reports.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR AGRICULTURISTS.--Set a parasite (_the Chalcis fly to wit_) to
+catch a parasite (_the Hessian ditto_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BURNING QUESTION.
+
+_By Our Own Cricket Enthusiast._
+
+    "The four Counties in whose doings the interest of the Cricketing
+    public is centred, were all hard at work yesterday. [Friday, August
+    19.] Yorkshire doing very badly against Surrey at the Oval, and
+    Nottinghamshire showing to considerable disadvantage with Lancashire
+    at Old Trafford."--_Daily News._
+
+  OH, don't talk to me of the close of the Session, or who's to be
+    Premier, perchance, in the next one;
+  Those questions, no doubt, may excite party spouters, but there is a
+    far more important and vext one.
+  The Cricketing Season draws fast to a close; the rain's come at last
+    with inopportune bounty.
+  And there is a question eclipsing all others,--which, _which_ for this
+    year will be Premier County?
+  It's narrowing down,--oh, it's narrowing down, and it grows more
+    soul-harrowing every minute,
+  For Surrey and Lancashire, Yorkshire and Notts are the only four
+    Counties a man can call "in it."
+  Trent-Bridge is astir with a fever of fidgets, the Tykes are all hurry,
+    and worry, and flurry,
+  Old Trafford is all upon thorns, and, by Jove, what excitement there is
+    at the Oval in Surrey!
+  HORNBY and HAWKE cannot sleep of a night, and their nerves into coolness
+    in vain strive to tutor;
+  GLADSTONE and SALISBURY'S rivalry's child's-play compared with the ditto
+    of SHERWIN and SHUTER.
+  Plague upon Jupiter Pluvius! _Why_ did he not hang aloof just a week or
+    two longer?
+  Oh, don't talk to me of your turnips and things,--what are they to the
+    question which team is the stronger?
+  Glorious season for Cricket all round, as is proved by the lots of
+    Leviathan scoring,
+  And now, hang it all, at the very identical point when it comes to the
+    pinch, it is pouring.
+  Cockshies all chance, every average crabs, this detestable deluge.
+    Slow wickets and sticky.
+  Muck even the great ARTHUR SHREWSBURY'S play, and make WALTER READ'S
+    chance of top-average dicky,
+  ARTHUR'S two centuries _plus_ sixty-seven, falls off to a pitiful
+    seven-and-twenty,
+  And BARLOW and BRIGGS have it all their own way; three "ducks" in one
+    innings--of Notts men--seems plenty.
+  Look at poor Yorkshire again! MARTIN HAWKE did his best to choose right,
+    but caked wickets _plus_ LOHMANN,
+  Are far too long odds e'en for ULYETT and HALL; and who can foresee
+    English weather? Why, no man.
+  Wants a cool sticker like SCOTTON to stand it. Eh? Gives the poor
+    bowlers a look in? Oh, granted,
+  Good trundling's a part of the game to be sure, but you see at this
+    crisis it's _scoring_ that's wanted,
+  Dashes the 'gazers, this downing the wickets like nine-pins in swamp
+    with muck-moisture afloat all,
+  And then ninety-two for a tall-scoring team like our Notts, you must
+    own's a contemptible total,
+  Middlesex plays in and out; lots of scorers like WEBBE, STODDART, LUCAS,
+    O'BRIEN, and VERNON.
+  But ROBERTSON, BURTON, and WEST want assistance as bowlers, and
+    bowling's a thing wins will turn on.
+  Gloucester's slap out of it. Pity poor GRACE with a team he can seldom
+    bring up to the scratch, Sir,
+  So that, in spite of his own startling scores, the, at one time,
+    "Invincibles" scarce win a match, Sir,
+  Sussex,--well, QUAIFE is a promising bat, and you always may look for
+    some notches from NEWHAM,
+  Whilst J. and A. HIDE are a host in themselves; but good fortune this
+    season has failed to pursue 'em.
+  Kent, with Lord HARRIS, the family of HEARNES, and RASHLEIGH, with
+    credit should carry field matters on,
+  But this year they'll not be at top of the tree, 'spite the bowling of
+    WOOTON, the smiting of PATTERSON.
+  Leicester has got a good trundler in POUGHER, but one bowler won't
+    make a good (Cricket) summer,
+  Whilst Derbyshire's CHATTERTON, CROPPER, and RATCLIFF don't make her,
+    at present, the new (Cricket) comer.
+  As for game Essex,--well, evergreen GREEN, who has done in his day
+    some redoubtable cricket,
+  Will own he will not have a look in _this_ year, e'en with BUXTON,
+    and BISHOP, and BRYAN, and PICKETT.
+  No, we must still look to one of the four; and oh, what a lot hope that
+    one will be Surrey,
+  Fancy the spirits of GRIFFITH and SOUTHERTON--(chums of that "barn-door"
+    whom no one could flurry,
+  Stout little JUPP)--must just now haunt the Oval, or hold ghostly
+    confabulations at Mitcham,
+  Discussing the way in which SHUTER'S lot cut 'em and drive 'em, and
+    swipe 'em, and place 'em, and pitch 'em.
+  And oh! _if_ smart SHUTER, crack READ, steady LOHMANN, and
+    swift-footed MAURICE, and cat-like young ABEL
+  _Should_ once more put Surrey at top of the tree, won't the Oval
+    just be a tumultuous Babel?
+
+[Illustration: Woo "Ton."]
+
+[Illustration: "Baa low!"]
+
+[Illustration: "'Ull yet?"]
+
+[Illustration: "Hide!"]
+
+[Illustration: The Family "Urn."]
+
+[Illustration: Puffer.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume
+93. August 27, 1887, by Various
+
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