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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/33416-8.txt b/33416-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3d24f71 --- /dev/null +++ b/33416-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8156 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Rambles in Womanland, by Max O'Rell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Rambles in Womanland + +Author: Max O'Rell + +Release Date: August 12, 2010 [EBook #33416] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + RAMBLES + IN WOMANLAND + + BY + + MAX O'RELL + + AUTHOR OF + 'JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND,' 'H.R.H. WOMAN,' 'BETWEEN OURSELVES,' ETC + + [Illustration] + + SECOND EDITION + + LONDON + CHATTO & WINDUS + 1903 + + + + +CONTENTS + + +PART I + +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + CHAPTER PAGE + I. THOUGHTS ON LIFE IN GENERAL 1 + II. OH, YOU MEN! 5 + III. THE ROSE, THE LILY, AND THE VIOLET; OR, HOW DIFFERENT + METHODS APPEAL TO DIFFERENT WOMEN 10 + IV. WOMEN LOVE BETTER THAN MEN 16 + V. IS WOMAN A RESPONSIBLE BEING? 19 + VI. RAMBLES IN CUPID'S DOMAIN 22 + VII. WHICH SEX WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE? 28 + VIII. RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND 32 + IX. WOMEN AND THEIR WAYS 41 + X. WOMAN'S MISSION IN THIS WORLD 49 + XI. IS WOMAN INFERIOR TO MAN? 52 + XII. WOMEN WHO ARE FOLLOWED AND ANNOYED IN THE STREET 55 + XIII. DANGEROUS MEN 58 + XIV. THE MAN WHO SMILES 60 + XV. WOMEN AND DOLLS 63 + XVI. MEN AS A RULE ARE SELFISH--TWO KINDS OF SELFISH MEN 68 + XVII. EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES 71 + XVIII. AMERICAN WOMEN IN PARIS 74 + XIX. WOMEN WHO WALK BEST 77 + XX. WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN 81 + XXI. WOMEN MAY ALL BE BEAUTIFUL 84 + XXII. WOMEN AT SEA 87 + XXIII. THE SECRET OF WOMAN'S BEAUTY 91 + XXIV. THE DURATION OF BEAUTY 95 + XXV. THE WOMAN 'GOOD FELLOW'--A SOCIETY TYPE 98 + XXVI. THE WOMAN 'GOSSIP' 100 + XXVII. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT 103 + XXVIII. THE EMANCIPATION OF WOMEN 106 + XXIX. SHALL LOVE BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY? 111 + XXX. ARE MEN FAIR TO WOMEN? 115 + XXXI. A PLEA FOR THE WORKING WOMAN 118 + XXXII. A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION 122 + XXXIII. THE WORST FEATURE OF WOMEN AS A SEX 127 + XXXIV. IS HOMOEOPATHY A CURE FOR LOVE? 131 + XXXV. DOMESTIC TYRANTS AND THEIR POOR WIVES 135 + + +PART II + +RAMBLES IN MATRIMONY + + I. ADVICE TO YOUNG MARRIED PEOPLE 139 + II. THE MATRIMONIAL PROBLEM 142 + III. WOMEN SHOULD ASSERT THEMSELVES IN MATRIMONY 146 + IV. RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--I. 150 + V. RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--II. 154 + VI. RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--III. 159 + VII. THE START IN MATRIMONY, AND ITS DANGERS 162 + VIII. 'OMELETTE AU RHUM' 166 + IX. COQUETRY IN MATRIMONY 169 + X. RESIGNATION IN MATRIMONY 173 + XI. TIT FOR TAT 176 + XII. THE IDEAL HUSBAND 179 + XIII. MARRYING ABOVE OR BELOW ONE'S STATION 184 + XIV. PREPARE FOR MATRIMONY, BUT DO NOT OVERTRAIN YOURSELVES 188 + XV. ACTRESSES SHOULD NOT MARRY 191 + XVI. A MATRIMONIAL BOOM 195 + XVII. LOVE WITH WHITE HAIR 199 + + +PART III + +RAMBLES EVERYWHERE + + I. LITTLE MAXIMS FOR EVERYDAY USE 203 + II. DO THE BEST WITH THE HAND YOU HAVE 207 + III. BEWARE OF THE FINISHING TOUCH 210 + IV. THE SELFISHNESS OF SORROW 214 + V. THE RIGHT OF CHANGING ONE'S MIND 217 + VI. WHAT WE OWE TO CHANCE 220 + VII. WE NEEDN'T GET OLD 223 + VIII. THE SECRET OF OLD AGE 226 + IX. ADVICE ON LETTER-POSTING 229 + X. ON PARASITES 232 + XI. ADVICE-GIVING 234 + XII. ON HOLIDAYS 237 + XIII. EXTRACTS FROM THE DICTIONARY OF A CYNIC 240 + XIV. VARIOUS CRITICISMS ON CREATION 243 + XV. THE HUMOURS OF THE INCOME-TAX 246 + XVI. HOW TO BE ENTERTAINING 250 + XVII. WHAT IS GENIUS? 253 + XVIII. NEW AND PIQUANT CRITICISM 256 + XIX. ORIGINALITY IN LITERATURE 259 + XX. PLAGIARISM 262 + XXI. AUTOBIOGRAPHIES AND REMINISCENCES 266 + XXII. THOUGHTS ON HATS 270 + XXIII. THOUGHTS ON EYE-GLASSES 273 + XXIV. THOUGHTS ON UMBRELLAS 277 + XXV. SOME AMERICAN TOPICS 280 + XXVI. SOME AMERICANS I OBJECT TO 283 + XXVII. PATIENCE--AN AMERICAN TRAIT 286 + XXVIII. AMERICAN FEELINGS FOR FOREIGNERS 289 + XXIX. SHOULD YOUNG GIRLS READ NOVELS? 292 + XXX. NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH FATHER? 295 + + + + +PART I + +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + + + +CHAPTER I + +THOUGHTS ON LIFE IN GENERAL + + +Cupid will cause men to do many things; so will cupidity. + + * * * + +I like economy too much as a virtue not to loathe it when it becomes a +vice. + + * * * + +Many virtues, when carried too far, become vices. + + * * * + +Envy is a vice which does not pay. If you let your envy be apparent, you +advertise your failure. + + * * * + +Nothing is less common than common-sense. + + * * * + +Whenever you can, pay cash for what you buy. A bill owing is like port +wine--it generally improves by keeping. + + * * * + +There are people whose signature has no more significance at the end of +a letter of insults than it has value at the bottom of a cheque. + + * * * + +The hardest thing to do in life is to make a living dishonestly for any +length of time. + + * * * + +The harm that happens to others very seldom does us any good, and the +good that happens to them very seldom does us any harm. People who are +successful are neither envious, jealous, nor revengeful. + + * * * + +Very often a man says, 'I have made a fool of myself!' who should only +accuse his father. + + * * * + +A contract is a collection of clauses signed by two honourable persons +who take each other for scoundrels. + + * * * + +Many people make a noise for the simple reason that, like drums, they +are empty. Many others think themselves deep who are only hollow. + + * * * + +Never have anything to do with women in whose houses you never see a +man. You may say what you like, but I have heard many women admit that +the presence of a man adds a great deal of respectability to a house. + + * * * + +If you cannot prevent evil, try not to see it. What we do not know does +not hurt us. + + * * * + +A self-conscious man is sometimes one who is aware of his worth; a +conceited man is generally one who is not aware of his unworthiness. + + * * * + +Many a saint in a small provincial town is a devil of a dog in the +Metropolis. Life in small towns is like life in glass-houses. The fear +of the neighbour is the beginning of wisdom. + + * * * + +Great revolutions were not caused by great grievances or even great +sufferings, but by great injustices. + + * * * + +Revolutions, like new countries, are often started by somewhat +objectionable adventurers. When they have been successful, steady and +honest people come in. + + * * * + +The good diplomatist is not the one who forces events, but the one who +foresees them, and, when they come, knows how to make the best of them. +The good diplomatist is not the one who successfully takes people in, +but the one who, when he has discovered who are his true friends, sticks +to them through thick and thin. + + * * * + +I prefer unrighteousness to self-righteousness. The unrighteous man may +see the error of his ways and improve. He may even be lovable. The +self-righteous man is unteachable, uncharitable, unloving, unlovable, +and unlovely. + + * * * + +You can judge the social standing of a woman from the way she sits down. + + * * * + +A woman may love a man she has hated, never one she has despised, seldom +one who has been indifferent to her. + + * * * + +A woman is seldom jealous of another on account of her intellectual +attainments, but if her bosom friend has on purpose or by mere chance +eclipsed her by her dress at a party, they will probably be no longer on +speaking terms. + + * * * + +Scientific men are generally the most honest of men, because their minds +are constantly bent on the pursuit of truth. + + * * * + +It requires a head better screwed on the shoulders to stand success than +to endure misfortune. + + * * * + +The world is not ruled by men of talent, but by men of character. + + * * * + +A vain man speaks either well or ill of himself. A modest man never +speaks of himself at all. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +OH, YOU MEN! + + +The Paris _Presse_ had asked its male readers to mention which virtue +they most admire in women. Here is the result, with the number of votes +obtained by each virtue, and truly it is not an edifying result: + + 1. Faithfulness 8,278 + 2. Economy 7,496 + 3. Kindness 6,736 + 4. Order 5,052 + 5. Modesty 4,975 + 6. Devotion 4,782 + 7. Charity 4,575 + 8. Sweetness 4,565 + 9. Cleanliness 3,594 + 10. Patience 2,750 + 11. Maternal love 2,703 + 12. Industry 2,125 + 13. Courage 1,758 + 14. Discretion 1,687 + 15. Simplicity 1,580 + 16. Wisdom 1,417 + 17. Honesty 1,389 + 18. Amiability 1,273 + 19. Chastity 1,230 + 20. Propriety 969 + 21. Self-abnegation 868 + +Surely, here is food for reflections and comments. Economy, order, and +devotion head the list; chastity and self-abnegation figure at the +bottom. I should have imagined the last two virtues would have obtained +the maximum of votes. + +And is it not wonderful that the most beautiful trait in a woman's +character--I mean Loyalty--should be altogether omitted from this list +of twenty-one most characteristic virtues in women? Are we to conclude +that loyalty is a virtue for men alone, such as willpower, magnanimity, +energy, bravery, and straightforwardness? + +And Sincerity, that most indispensable and precious virtue, which is +supposed to make the friendship of men so valuable, is it not also a +virtue that we should value in women? + +Do men mean to say that loyalty and sincerity should not be or could not +be expected to be found in women? Woman must be sweet, of course, and be +economical. She must charm men and keep their house on the principles of +the strictest order. Lovely! + +I know men who allow their wives £1 a day to keep their houses in +plenty, and who spend £2 every day at their club. Whatever the husband +does, however, the wife must be faithful, and possess patience and +self-abnegation. She must be resigned, and, mind you, always amiable and +cheerful. + +Poor dear fellow! the truth is, that when a man has spent a jolly +evening at his club with the 'boys,' it is devilishly hard on him to +come home at one or two in the morning and to find his wife not amiable, +not cheerful, but suffering from the dumps, and, maybe, not even patient +enough to have waited for him. Sometimes she does worse than this, the +wretch! She suffers from toothache or neuralgia. What of that? She +should be patient, resigned, amiable, and cheerful; _c'est son métier_. + +Yes, on the threshold of the twentieth century we find man still +considering woman as a pet animal or a nice little beast of burden; +sometimes as both. I really should feel prouder of my sex if they would +only be kind enough to assert that men are not beings inferior to +monkeys and birds. + +For monkeys have but one rule of morality for the manners of both sexes, +and birds share with their mates the duties of nest-building and feeding +the little ones. The latter even go further. When the female bird does +her little house duties in the nursery, the male entertains her with a +song in order to keep her cheerful. + +Marriage will be a failure as long as men are of opinion that fidelity, +patience, devotion, amiability, cheerfulness, and self-abnegation are +virtues expected of women only; marriage will be a failure as long as it +is a firm, the two partners of which do not bring about the same capital +of qualities, as long as what is bad in the goose is not bad in the +gander. + +Certainly I like to see in a man a more powerful will than in a woman; I +like to see more sweetness in a woman than in a man. In other words, I +like to see certain virtues or qualities more accentuated in a man, +others more accentuated in a woman; but, so far as fidelity, kindness, +order, patience, industry, discretion, courage, devotion, +self-abnegation, wisdom, honesty, sincerity, amiability, and loyalty are +concerned, I absolutely deny that they should be womanly virtues only. +They are virtues that a man should expect to find in a woman as well as +a woman in a man. + + * * * * * + +Oh, you men, most illogical creatures in the world! You call woman a +weak being, but, although you make laws to protect children, you make +none to protect women. Nay, on that woman whom you call weak you impose +infallibility. When you strong, bearded men get out of the path of duty +you say: 'The flesh is weak'; but when it is a woman who does there is +no indulgence, no mercy, no pity. No extenuating circumstances are +admitted. + +What you most admire in women is chastity. If so, how dare you leave +unpunished the man who takes it away from them? How is it that you +receive him in your club, welcome him in your house, and not uncommonly +congratulate him on his good fortune? + +I hear you constantly complain that women are too fond of dress, too +careless of the money that you make by the sweat of your brow, too +frivolous, too fond of pleasure, and that matrimony becomes, on that +account, more and more impossible. + +Let me assure you that there are many young girls, brought up by +thoughtful mothers to be cheerful, devoted, and careful wives; but, as a +rule, you despise them. You are attracted by the best dressed ones, and +you go and offer your heart to the bird with fine feathers. You take the +rose, and disdain to look at the violet. How illogical of you to make +complaints! You only get what you want, and, later on, what you +deserve. + +The law, made by man, and the customs exact virtue incarnate in woman. +She is to have neither weaknesses, senses, nor passions. Whatever her +husband does, she must be patient and resigned. + +The laws and customs would be much wiser if, instead of demanding +infallibility of women, they were to make women's duties and virtues +easier by showing less indulgence for men, and by declaring that, in +matrimony, the same conjugal virtues are expected alike of men as of +women. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE ROSE, THE LILY, AND THE VIOLET; OR, HOW DIFFERENT METHODS APPEAL TO +DIFFERENT WOMEN + + +The man butterfly is the most dangerous member of society. He is +generally handsome, amiable, persuasive, and witty. He may be in +succession cheerful, light-hearted, poetical, and sentimental. + +If he comes to the rose, he says to her in his sweetest voice: 'You are +beautiful, and I love you tenderly, ardently. I feel I can devote my +whole life to you. If you can love me, I can reward your love with a +century of constancy and faithfulness.' + +'Oh!' says the rose, with an air of incredulity, 'I know what the +faithfulness of the butterfly is.' + +'There are all sorts of butterflies,' he gently intimates; 'I know that +some of them have committed perjury and deceived roses, but I am not one +of them. Of the butterfly I have only the wings, to always bring me back +to you. I am a one-rose butterfly; if the others are inconstant, +unfaithful, liars, I am innocent of their faults. I swear, if you will +not listen to me, I shall die, and in dying for you there will be +happiness still.' + +The rose is touched, moved and charmed with this passionate language. +'How he loves me!' she thinks. 'After all, if butterflies are generally +perfidious, it is not his fault; he is not one of that sort.' + +The rose yields; she gives up to him her whole soul, all her most +exquisite perfume. After he is saturated, he takes his flight. + +'Where are you going?' asks the rose. + +'Where am I going?' he says, with a protecting sneer. 'Why, I am going +to visit the other flowers, your rivals.' + +'But you swore you would be faithful to me!' + +'I know, my dear; a butterfly's oath, nothing more. You should have been +wiser, and not allowed yourself to be taken in.' + +Then he goes in the neighbourhood of a beautiful, haughty, vain lily. +Meantime an ugly bumble comes near the rose and tries to sting her. She +calls the butterfly to her help, but he does not even deign to answer. +For him the rose is the past and the lily the present. He is no more +grateful than he is faithful. + + +WHEN HE MEETS THE LILY + +With the lily, whom he understands well, he knows he has to proceed in +quite a different manner. He must use flattery. + +'Imagine, lovely lily,' he says to her, 'that this silly and vain rose +thinks she is the queen of flowers. She is beautiful, no doubt, but +what is her beauty compared to yours? What is her perfume? Almost +insipid compared to your enchanting, intoxicating fragrance. What is her +shape compared to your glorious figure? Why, she looks like a pink +cabbage. Is not, after all, pure whiteness incomparable? My dear lady, +you are above competition.' + +The vain lily listens with attention and pleasure. The wily butterfly +sees he is making progress. He goes on flattering, then risks a few +words of love. + +'Ah!' sighs the lily, 'if you were not a fickle butterfly, I might +believe half of what you say!' + +'You do not know me!' he exclaims indignantly. 'I have only the shape of +a butterfly; I have not the heart of one. How could I be unfaithful to +you if you loved me? Are you not the most beautiful of flowers? How +could it be possible for me to prefer any other to you? No, no; for the +rest of my life there will be but the lily for me.' + +The vanity of the lily is flattered, she believes him, and gives herself +up to the passionate embrace of the butterfly. + +'Oh, beloved one,' she exclaims in ecstasy, 'you will love me for ever; +you will always be mine as I am yours!' + +'To tell you the truth, my dear lily,' says the butterfly coolly, 'you +are very nice, but your perfume is rather strong, a little vulgar, and +one gets tired of it quickly. I am not sure that I do not prefer the +rose to you. Now, be good, and let me go quickly. I am a butterfly. I +cannot help my nature; I was made like that. Good-bye!' + + +THE MODEST VIOLET + +Then he flies towards a timid violet, modestly hidden in the ivy near +the wall. Her sweet odour reveals her presence. So he stops and says to +her: + +'Sweet, exquisite violet, how I do love you! Other flowers may be +beautiful, my darling, but that is all. You, besides, are good and +modest; as for your sweet, delicious perfume, it is absolutely beyond +competition. I might admire a rose or a lily for a moment, lose my head +over them, but not my heart. You alone can inspire sincere and true +love. If you will marry me--for you do not imagine that I could ask you +to love me without at the same time asking you to be my wife--we will +lead a quiet, retired life of eternal bliss, hidden in the ivy, far from +the noise and the crowd.' + +'This would be beautiful,' says the violet, 'but I am afraid you are too +brilliant for me, and I too modest and humble for you. I have been +warned against you. People say you are fickle.' + +'Who could have slandered me so? Your modesty is the very thing that has +attracted me to you. I have crossed the garden without looking at any +other flower in order to come to you straight. What I want is a heart +like yours--tender, faithful--a heart that I may feel is mine for the +rest of my days.' + +And he swears his love, always promising matrimony as soon as a few +difficulties, 'over which he has no control,' are surmounted. The poor +little violet is fascinated, won; she loves him, and gives herself to +him; but it is not long before he goes. + +'Surely,' she says, with her eyes filled with tears, 'you are not going +to abandon me. You are not going to leave me to fight the great big +battle of life alone, with all the other flowers of the garden to sneer +at me and despise me! Oh no, dear; I have loved you with my modest soul; +I have given you all I have in the world. No, no, you are not going +away, never to return again! It would be too cruel! No, the world is not +so bad as that; you will return, won't you?' + +'I feel very sorry for you, dear--really very sorry; but, you see, I +cannot. I am a gentleman, and I have my social position to think of. I +am sure you understand that. You say you are fond of me; then you will +put yourself in my place, and conclude that I have done the best I could +for you. Good-bye! Forget me as quickly as you can.' + +The little violet commits suicide; and the butterfly, reading an account +of it in the following day's papers, has not even a tear to shed, no +remorse, no regret. + + +A SHINING SOCIAL LIGHT. + +He is called by his club friends 'a devil of a fellow with the girls,' +and that is almost meant as a compliment. As for the women of the very +best society, he is thought rather enterprising and dangerous; but I +have never heard that, for his conduct, he has ever been turned out of a +respectable house or of a decent club. + +There is one drawback to the perfect happiness of the butterfly: he is +generally in love with a worthless woman, who makes a fool of him. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +WOMEN LOVE BETTER THAN MEN + + +How many people understand what love means? How many appreciate it? How +many ever realize what it is? For some it is a more or less sickly +sentiment, for others merely violent desires. + +Alas! it requires so many qualifications to appreciate love that very +few people are sufficiently free from some vulgarity or other to be +worthy of speaking of love without profanity. + +Love requires too much constancy to suit the light-hearted, too much +ardour to suit calm temperaments, too much reserve to suit violent +constitutions, too much delicacy to suit people destitute of refinement, +too much enthusiasm to suit cool hearts, too much diplomacy to suit the +simple-minded, too much activity to suit indolent characters, too many +desires to suit the wise. + +See what love requires to be properly and thoroughly appreciated, and +you will easily understand why it must be in woman's nature to love +better and longer than man. + +Men can worship better than women, but women can love better than men. +Of this there can be no doubt. + +Very often women believe that they are loved when they are only ardently +desired because they are beautiful, piquant, elegant, rich, difficult to +obtain, and because men are violent, ambitious, wilful, and obstinate; +and the more obstacles there are in their way, the more bent they feel +on triumphing over difficulties. + +To obtain a woman men will risk their lives, ruin themselves, commit any +act of folly or extravagance which you care to name. Women are flattered +by these follies and extravagances due to motives of very different +characters; but they mistake passion for love. + +Yet passion is very seldom compatible with true love. Passion is as +fickle as love is constant. Passion is but a proof of vanity and +selfishness. + +Woman is only the pretext for the display of it. Singers, actresses, +danseuses, all women detached from that shade and mystery in which love +delights in dwelling, women who give to the public all the treasures of +their beauty, amiability, and talent are those who inspire in men the +most violent passions, but they are seldom truly loved unless they +consent to retire from the glare of the footlights and withdraw to the +shade. + +Passion excites vanity, noise, envy: it plays to the gallery. Love seeks +retirement, and prefers a moss bank against some wall covered with ivy, +some solitude where silence is so perfect that two hearts can hear each +other beat, where space is so small that lips must forcibly meet. + +The man who takes his bride to Paris for the honeymoon does not really +love her. If he loves truly he will take her to the border of a forest +in some secluded, picturesque spot, where nature will act as a church in +which both will fervently worship. + +Now, with very few exceptions, women understand these things much better +than men. They are born with feelings of delicacy and refinement that +only few men can acquire or develop; they are more earnest, more +poetical, better diplomatists, and of temperaments generally more +artistic. + +Besides--and it is in this that they are infinitely superior to +men--whereas many men see their love cooled by possession, all women see +theirs increased and sealed by it. + +The moment a woman is possessed by the man she loves, she belongs to him +body, heart, and soul. Her love is the occupation of her life, her only +thought, and, I may add without the slightest idea of irreverence, her +religion. + +She loves that man as she does God. If all men could only be +sufficiently impressed with this fact, how kind and devoted to women +they would be! + + + + +CHAPTER V + +IS WOMAN A RESPONSIBLE BEING? + + +There are nations still in existence where women are denied the +possession of a soul; but these nations are not civilized. Now, Germany +and England are civilized nations, yet I am not sure that some Germans +and Englishmen really admit that women are beings possessed of a mind. + +I have constantly heard Englishmen of 'the good old school' say: 'If a +man steals my horse, my dog, my poultry, I have him arrested, and he +gets a few months' imprisonment; if he steals my wife, he remains at +large, unmolested. Yet, is not my wife my most valuable property?' And +that good Englishman is absolutely persuaded that his argument is +unanswerable. + +The other day, in a German paper, I read the following exquisitely +delicious remark: 'We have a treaty of extradition with Switzerland. If +the man Giron had stolen the least valuable horse of the Crown Prince of +Saxony, we could have had him arrested in Geneva and returned to us; but +as he only stole the wife of that prince, the mother of his children, we +can do nothing.' + +From all this we are bound to conclude that, in the eyes of many +Germans and some Englishmen, a woman is like a horse or any other +animal, a thing, a 'brute of no understanding,' a being without a mind. +In my ignorance I thought that when women left their husbands to follow +other men, they were, rightly or wrongly, using their own minds, acting +on their own responsibility and on their own good or bad judgment. + +In other words, I thought that they were thinking beings. + +When a man steals a horse, he takes him by the mane or the mouth and +pulls him away with him. He does not say to the animal, 'I like you; I +will treat you better than your master; will you come with me?' He +steals him, as he would an inanimate thing. + +When a man asks a woman to elope with him, he says to her: 'I love you, +I know you love me; leave your husband, who makes you unhappy, and come +with me, who will make you happy.' She reflects, and, through feelings +of despair, of love, of passion, she yields, and answers, 'Yes, I will.' + +Now, her resolution may be most reprehensible, her conduct immoral; she +may be a fool, anything you like, but she is not carried off by force. +She acts of her own accord and free will, and is, I imagine, prepared to +meet the consequences of her actions. + +I have heard an English magistrate say to a man whose wife was accused +of disorderly conduct: 'You should look after your wife better than you +do, and, in future, I will make you responsible for what she does. +To-day I will impose a fine of ten shillings. If you pay it, I will set +her free.' + +Now, this argument would be fairly good if the accused had been a dog. I +should understand a magistrate saying to a man: 'Your dog is a nuisance +and a source of danger to your neighbours; if he causes any more damage, +if I hear again that he has killed your neighbour's cat, eaten his +poultry, or bitten his children, I will hold you responsible, and make +you pay the damages, _plus_ some compensation.' But a wife!--inasmuch +that, mind you, when a woman has committed a murder in England, it is +she who is hanged, not her husband. + +I believe that women are quite prepared to accept the responsibility of +their actions. The emancipation of woman should be an accomplished fact +by the declaration that she can do evil as well as good. And I am sure +that if she wants credit for whatever good she does, she is also ready +to accept the consequences of the mischief, to herself or to others, +which she may make. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +RAMBLES IN CUPID'S DOMAIN + + +Love performs daily miracles. It causes people to see with closed eyes, +and to see nothing with open ones. + + * * * + +Women worship sacrifice to the extent of wishing us to believe (perhaps +they believe it themselves) that, even at the altar of love, they make a +sacrifice. Women in love have an irresistible craving for sacrifice. + + * * * + +I have heard of women being so much in love as to declare to their +husbands that they would not want a new hat for another month. + + * * * + +The world of love can boast a roll of demi-gods, heroes, martyrs, and +saints that would put into the shade those of Paradise and Olympus. + + * * * + +Love, after being conquered, has to be reconquered every day. Love is +like money invested in doubtful stock, which has to be watched at every +moment. Speculators know this; but married men and women too often +ignore it. + + * * * + +In love the hand lies much less than the lips and the eyes. A certain +pressing of the hand is often the most respectful and surest of proofs +of love. + + * * * + +The language of the hand is most eloquent. Who has not been able to +translate a pressure from a woman's hand by 'stay' or 'go'? How a woman +can say to you with her hand 'I love you' or 'I cannot love you'! + + * * * + +Whoever says that two kisses can be perfectly alike does not know the A +B C of love. + + * * * + +No two acts dictated, or even suggested, by love should ever be alike. + + * * * + +In love it is better to be a creditor than a debtor. + + * * * + +Think of the torrents of harmony which maestros have composed with seven +notes; the millions of thoughts which have been expressed with a score +of letters; think of all the exploits, deeds of valour, and crimes that +have been committed under the influence of love! + + * * * + +Love is not compatible with conceit; the love of self excludes all +other. Even injury cannot cure love; if it does, there was in the person +much more conceit than love. + + * * * + +When a man and a woman have pronounced together the three sacramental +words 'I love you,' they become priest and priestess of the same temple. +In order to keep the sacred fire alive, they must be careful not to +stifle it by an excess of fuel or to let it go out for want of air. + + * * * + +When you are in love, do not be over-sensitive, but always imagine that +the other is. Thus your susceptibility will never be wounded, nor will +that of your partner be. + + * * * + +Woe to people in love who satisfy all their desires in a week, in a +month, in a year! Two lovers, or married people, should die without +having drunk the cup of love to the last dregs. + + * * * + +Absence is a tonic for love only when men and women love with all their +heart and soul. When they do not, the ancient proverb is still true: +'Far from the eyes, far from the heart.' + + * * * + +A beautiful woman is jealous of no woman, not even of a George Sand, a +George Eliot, or of a queen; but a duchess may be jealous of a +chambermaid. + + * * * + +All the love-letters of a woman are not worth one of her smiles. + + * * * + +If a woman wants to know the secret for remaining loved a long time, let +her keep this recipe in mind: Give much, give more still, but be sure +that you do not give all. Cupid is a little ungrateful beast, who takes +his flight when expectations cease to whet his appetite. + + * * * + +For common mortals, desire engenders love, and love kills desire; for +the elect, love is the son of desire and the prolific father of a +thousand new desires. + + * * * + +To conquer a man is nothing for a woman to boast of, but to conquer a +woman is a real victory, because it requires in a man, to conquer a +woman, far more qualities than it requires in a woman to conquer a man. + + * * * + +There is a touching exchange of amiable services between the sexes. The +man of twenty often receives his first lesson in love from a woman of +forty; and the woman of twenty generally receives hers from a man of +forty. + + * * * + +The following are among the little tortures which people in love take +pleasure in inflicting upon themselves-: + +'Amelia has been coughing twice to-day. I wonder if the poor darling is +consumptive? An aunt of hers died of consumption. She was an aunt only +by marriage, but when those confounded microbes enter a family, no one +knows the mischief they may do!' + +'George did not notice I had a carnation, his favourite flower, on my +corsage the whole of last evening. He loves me no more.' + +'Do I love Algy--do I adore him as he deserves? Am I worthy of him? +Shall I be able to keep the love of a man so handsome, so kind, so +clever? This morning he did not kiss me with the same ardour. Perhaps he +has not courage enough to confess that he does not love me as much as he +used to.' + +'I am too happy. Something tells me it cannot last. I have a +presentiment that a great misfortune is going to happen. Our love cannot +possibly enjoy such bliss for long. I feel I am going to cry.' + +And she bursts into hot tears. + +'To-day Arthur met me at the appointed time to the minute. Formerly he +used to be in advance--always. I told him so, and he said, showing me +the time by his watch, that he was quite punctual. He ought to have been +pleased with my remark, and have answered otherwise. I wonder if there +is anything wrong?' + +'He never notices my dresses as he used to. Yesterday I changed the bow +I had on, and he made no remark. I know all his cravats, every one of +them. I also know when he has tied them before a glass, and when he has +not. He does not love me as I love him.' + +'I am quite happy when my hands are in his, but he is not satisfied with +that; he always wants to kiss me. He loves me with his senses, not with +his heart. They say all men are the same. I thought George was different +from all of them!' + +'I have always heard that love is the most sublime joy on earth. I love +and I am loved; yet I want to cry, and I don't know why. Oh, why?' + +'Why do I find that Angelina looks better in gray than in red? I ought +to admire her in whatever colour she has on. Should I make such a remark +if my love was intense? Was I a brute for making it before her? She has +been sad ever since. But why does she wear red? Red does not suit a +blonde. Red is for brunettes. Yet, can I tell her that? Of course, I +cannot. I must not imagine that she does not know that herself, and +besides, I should find her beautiful in anything. I am an ass, a silly +ass!' + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +WHICH SEX WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE? + + +I once heard a Frenchman say, 'My wife could do without me, but I +couldn't do without her;' but, as a rule, the Frenchman who has had the +good fortune of marrying an intelligent wife becomes so dependent on +her, so much under her influence, that no general rule should be drawn +from the remark. When a man and wife have lived happily together, I +find, from my personal observations, that when one has gone, it is +generally the woman who can better do without the man than the reverse. + +Of course, the question is very complex, and one which I would rather +ask than answer. If sexes could do one without the other, and resolved +to do it for fifty years, the world would put up its shutters. May not +the question resolve itself into the following: Of old bachelors and old +maids, which are the happier? + +Even this question is not a fair one, because it must be admitted that +society, which is very lenient over the peccadilloes of unmarried men, +frowns unmercifully over those of unmarried women. Shall we then say, Of +old bachelors and old maids, who have led monachal lives, which have +been the happier, and would be the more ready to decline matrimony if +the opportunity were again offered to them? Now, can you answer the +question more easily? Well, if you can, I can't, and if you have +anything to say on the subject I shall be glad to hear it. + +Personally, I think the question practically amounts to this: Which +would you rather be, a man or a woman? + +Now, this is a question which my readers will find difficulty in +answering, and even in speaking about, with authority, as each of them +has only had the experiences of one sex. + +Before answering it, we must indeed talk it over with some very intimate +and trustworthy friends of the other sex, and compare their sentiments +and sensations with our own. We must recall to our minds all the +observations which we have made on the lives of men and women whom we +have known. Let us not follow the example of the woman who would be a +man 'because men are free,' and the man who would be a woman 'because +women are admired,' for the reason that all men are not free, and women +are far from being all admired. + +I have interviewed on the subject many men and many women, and I have +found an enormous majority of women who would elect to be men, and only +a very small minority of men who would elect to be women. Conclusion: +most people would elect to be men. + +I am a man, and if I were to be born again and asked to make a choice, I +would elect to be a man; but the reason may be that I possess many +failings of which I am aware, and also a few qualities which the most +imperfect of us must necessarily possess who are not absolute objects of +perdition. + +For let us say at once that sex suits character. + +I love freedom and hate conventionalities; I am a man of action, and +must always be up and doing. I do not believe that I am in any way +tyrannical, yet I like to lead and have my own way. If the position of +first fiddle is engaged, I decline to form part of the orchestra. Most +of these characteristics are failings, perhaps even faults, but I +possess them, and I cannot help possessing them, and they naturally +induce me to prefer being a man. + +I have made my confession, let my readers make theirs instead of taking +me to task. I hate to feel protected, to be petted, but I would love to +protect and pet a beloved one, whom I would think weaker than myself. I +am a born fighter, and I don't care for smooth paths, unless I can make +them smooth myself for my own use and also for the use of those who walk +through life by my side. + +But, leaving aside personal characteristics which would lead me to elect +to be a man, there are many reasons which would cause me to make that +choice quite independent of my character. Nature has given women beauty +of face and figure, but there she stopped, and to make her pay for that +gift she has handicapped her in every possible way. + +And when I consider that there are in this world more ugly women than +beautiful ones, and that an ugly woman is the abomination of desolation, +an anomaly, a freak, I altogether fail to see why ninety women out of a +hundred should return thanks for being women. I have no hesitation in +saying that the woman who is not beautiful has no _raison d'être_, and +that only a few beautiful women are happy to be alive after they are +forty. + +Women have terrible grievances, many of which society and legislation +(that is to say, in the second case, man) ought to redress. But the +greatest grievances of women are, to my mind, against nature. These +grievances cannot and will never be redressed. + +In love woman has an unfair position. She gets old when a man of the +same age remains young. In every race she is handicapped out of any +chance of winning or even getting a dead heat. For these reasons +especially I should elect to be a man. + +Ah, what a pity we cannot decide our fate in every phase of life! in +which case I would elect to be a beautiful woman from twenty to thirty, +a brilliant officer from thirty to forty, a celebrated painter from +forty to fifty, a famous poet or novelist from fifty to sixty, Prime +Minister of England or President of the United States from sixty to +seventy, and a Cardinal for the rest of my life. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + +When a woman says of her husband, 'He is a wretch!' she may still love +him; probably she does. When she says, 'Oh, he is a good sort'--poor +fellow! + + * * * + +After bravery and generosity, tact and discretion are the two qualities +that women most admire in men; audacity comes next. + + * * * + +Speaking of his wife, a Duke says, 'The Duchess'; a man standing always +on ceremony, 'Mrs. B.'; a gentleman, 'My wife'; an idiot, 'My better +half'; a common man, 'The missus'; a working man, as a compliment, 'The +old woman'; a French grocer, 'La patronne'; a French working man, 'La +bourgeoise.' The sweet French word 'épouse' is only used now by Paris +concierges. + + * * * + +Women are roses. I always suspected it from the thorns. + + * * * + +In the good old times of poetry and adventures, when a man was refused +a girl by her parents, he carried her off; now he asks for another. But, +then, posting exists no longer except for letters, and there is no +poetry in eloping in a railroad car. Oh, progress! oh, civilization! +such is thy handicraft! Dull, prosaic times we are living in! + + * * * + +Woman is an angel who may become a devil, a sister of mercy who may +change into a viper, a ladybird who may be transformed into a +stinging-bee. Sometimes she never changes, and all her lifetime remains +angel, sister of mercy, ladybird, and sweet fragrant flower. It depends +a great deal on the gardener. + + * * * + +When a man is on the wrong path in life, it is seldom he does not meet a +woman who says to him, 'Don't go that way'; but when it is a woman who +has lost her way, she always meets a man who indicates to her the wrong +path. + + * * * + +The Lord took from man a rib, with which He made a woman. As soon as +this process was finished, woman went back to man, and took the rest of +him, which she has kept ever since. + + * * * + +The heart is a hollow and fleshy muscle which causes the blood to set in +motion. It appears that this is what we love with. Funny! + + * * * + +Circe was an enchantress who changed men into pigs. Why do I say was? I +don't think that she is dead. + + * * * + +Women were not born to command, but they have enough inborn power to +govern man who commands, and, as a rule, the best and happiest marriages +are those where women have most authority, and where their advice is +oftenest followed. + + * * * + +There are three ways for a man to get popular with women. The first is +to love them, the second to sympathize with their inclinations, and the +third to give them reasons that will raise them in their own estimation. +In other words, love them, love what they love, or cause them to love +themselves better. Love, always love. + + * * * + +A woman knows that a man is in love with her long before he does. A +woman's intuition is keener than her sight; in fact, it is a sixth sense +given to her by nature, and which is more powerful than the other five +put together. + + * * * + +Very beautiful, as well as very good, women are seldom very clever or +very witty; yet a beautiful woman who is good is the masterpiece of +creation. + + * * * + +A woman will often more easily resist the love which she feels for a +man than the love which she inspires in him. It is in the most beautiful +nature of woman to consider herself as a reward, but it is also, +unfortunately for her, too often her misfortune. + + * * * + +We admire a foreigner who gets naturalized in our own country, and +despise a compatriot who makes a foreigner of himself. If a man joins +our religion, we call him converted; if one of ours goes over to +another, we call him perverted. In the same way, we blame the +inconstancy of a woman when she leaves us for another, and we find her +charming when she leaves another to come to us. + + * * * + +The reputation that a woman should try to obtain and deserve is to be a +sensible woman in her house and an amiable woman in society. + + * * * + +Frivolous love may satisfy a man and a woman for a time, but only true +and earnest love can satisfy a husband and a wife. Only this kind of +love will survive the thousand-and-one little drawbacks of matrimony. + + * * * + +Men and women can no more conceal the love they feel than they can feign +the one which they feel not. + + * * * + +Love feeds on contrasts to such an extent that you see dark men prefer +blondes, poets marry cooks and laundresses, clever men marry fools, and +giants marry dwarfs. + + * * * + +God has created beautiful women in order to force upon men the belief in +His existence. + + * * * + +Like all the other fruits placed on earth for the delectation of men, +the most beautiful women are not always the best and the most delicious. + + * * * + +In the heroic times of chivalry men drew their swords for the sake of +women; in these modern prosaic ones they draw their cheques. + + * * * + +Women entertain but little respect for men who have blind confidence in +their love and devotion; they much prefer those who feel that they have +to constantly keep alive the first and deserve the second. + + * * * + +A woman can take the measure of a man in half the time it takes a man to +have the least notion of a woman. + + * * * + +There are three kinds of men: those who will come across temptations and +resist them, those who will avoid them for fear of succumbing, and those +who seek them. Among the first are to be found only men whose love for +a woman is the first consideration of their lives. + + * * * + +Young girls should bear in mind that husbands are not creatures who are +always making love, any more than soldiers are men who are always +fighting. + + * * * + +A love affair will interest even a very old woman, just as the account +of a race will always interest an old jockey. Habit, you see! + + * * * + +The friendship of women for women is very often less based on love, or +even sympathy, than on little indiscreet confidences which they may have +made to one another. + + * * * + +In order that love may be lasting, it must be closely allied with tried +friendship. One cannot replace the other, but so long as both march +abreast, living together, a man and a woman can find life delicious. + + * * * + +It is not matrimony that kills love, but the way in which many people +live in the state of matrimony. It may be affirmed, however, that only +intelligent diplomatists (alas! the select few!) can make love last long +in matrimonial life. + + * * * + +Women who suggest to the mind notes of interrogation are more +interesting than those, too perfect, who only suggest notes of +admiration. + + * * * + +Constant reproaches do not kill love so quickly and so surely as +constant reminders of what one has done to deserve gratitude. Why? +Simply because Cupid loves freedom, and lives on it. To ask for love as +a debt of gratitude is like forcing it, and the failure is fatal. + + * * * + +Women are all actresses. What makes actresses so fascinating and +attractive to men is that they are women twice over. + + * * * + +Woman is weak and man is strong--so we constantly hear, at any rate. +Then why, in the name of common-sense, do we expect to find in women +virtues that demand a strength of which we men are not capable? + + * * * + +There are women in the world who love with such ardour, such sincerity, +and such devotion, that, after their death, they ought to be canonized. + + * * * + +Love is a divine law; duty is only a human--nay, only a social--one. +That is why love will always triumph over duty; it is the greater of the +two. + + * * * + +Lovers are very much like thieves; they proceed very much in the same +way, and the same fate eventually awaits them. First, they take +superfluous precautions; then by degrees they neglect them, until they +forget to take the necessary ones, and they are caught. + + * * * + +A man who has been married enters the kingdom of heaven ex-officio, +having served his purgatory on earth; but if he has been married twice +he is invariably refused admittance, as the Sojourn of the Seraphs is no +place for lunatics. + + * * * + +As long as there is one woman left on the face of the earth, and one man +left to observe her, the world will be able to hear something new about +women. + + * * * + +A man may be as perfect as you like, he will never be but a rough +diamond until he has been cut and polished by the delicate hand of a +woman. + + * * * + +Middle-aged and elderly men are often embellished by characteristic +lines engraven on their faces, but women are not jealous of them. + + * * * + +A woman who marries a second time runs two risks: she may regret that +she lost her first husband, or that she did not always have the second +one. But, in the first case, her second husband may regret her first one +even more than she does, and tell her so, too. + + * * * + +Many men say that they marry to make an end; but they forget that if +marriage is for them an end, it is a beginning for the women, and then, +look out! + + * * * + +It is a great misfortune not to be loved by the one you love; but it is +a still greater one to be loved by the one whom you have ceased to love. + + * * * + +Love is like most contagious diseases: the more afraid you are of it, +the more likely you are to catch it. + + * * * + +Men and women have in common five senses; but women possess a sixth one, +by far the keenest of all--intuition. For that matter, women do not even +think, argue, and judge as safely as they feel. + + * * * + +Cupid and Hymen are brothers, but, considering the difference in their +temperaments, they cannot be sons by the same wife. + + * * * + +The motto of Cupid is, 'All or nothing'; that of Hymen, 'All and +nothing.' + + * * * + +Love is more indulgent than Friendship for acts of infidelity. + + * * * + +If men were all deaf, and women all blind, matrimony would stand a much +better chance of success. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +WOMEN AND THEIR WAYS + + +I sometimes wonder how some women dare go out when it is windy. Their +hats are fixed to their hair by means of long pins; their hair is fixed +to their heads by means of short ones, and sometimes it happens that +their heads are fixed to their shoulders by the most delicate of +contrivances. Yes, it is wonderful! + + * * * + +Fiction is full of Kings and Princes marrying shepherdesses and +beggar-maids; but in reality it is only the Grand-Ducal House of +Tuscany, which for nearly three hundred years has exhibited royal +Princesses running away with dancing masters and French masters engaged +at their husbands' courts. + + * * * + +A man in love is always interesting. What a pity it is that husbands +cannot always be in love! + + * * * + +Men who always praise women do not know them well; men who always speak +ill of them do not know them at all. + + * * * + +What particularly flatters the vanity of women is to know that some men +love them and dare not tell them so. However, they do not always insist +on those men remaining silent for ever. + + * * * + +The saddest spectacle that the world can offer is that of a sweet, +sensible, intelligent woman married to a conceited, tyrannical fool. + + * * * + +The mirror is the only friend who is allowed to know the secrets of a +woman's imperfections. + + * * * + +When a woman is deeply in love, the capacity of her heart for charity is +without limit. If all women were in love there would be no poverty on +the face of the earth. + + * * * + +The fidelity of a man to the woman he loves is not a duty, but almost an +act of selfishness. It is for his own sake still more than for hers that +he should be faithful to her. + + * * * + +Two excellent kinds of wine mixed together may make a very bad drink. An +excellent man and a very good woman married together may make an +abominable match. + + * * * + +Jealousy, discreet and delicate, is a proof of modesty which should be +appreciated by the very woman who should resent violent jealousy. + + * * * + +When you constantly hear the talent or the wit of a woman praised, you +may take it for granted that she is not beautiful. If she were, you +would hear her beauty praised first of all. + + * * * + +It is slow poison that kills love most surely. Love will survive even +infidelity rather than boredom or satiety. + + * * * + +Men study women, and form opinions, generally wrong ones. Women look at +men, guess their character, and seldom make mistakes. + + * * * + +All the efforts that an old woman makes to hide her age only help to +advertise it louder. + + * * * + +Of a man and a woman, it is the one who is loved, but who does not love, +that is the unhappier of the two. + + * * * + +Women often see without looking; men often look without seeing. + + * * * + +I know handsome men who are bald, and there are not a few, but many, who +derive distinction from this baldness. There are men--severe, stern +types of men--who are not disfigured, but improved, by spectacles. Just +imagine, if you can, the possibility of a bald woman with spectacles +inspiring a tender passion! So much for the infallibility of the +proverb, 'What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander,' so often +quoted by women when they are told that men can afford to do this or +that, but not they. Lady women-righters, please answer. + + * * * + +In the tender relations between men and women, novelty is a wonderful +attraction, and habit a powerful bond; but between the two there is a +bottomless precipice into which love often falls, never to be heard of +afterward. Happy those who know how to bridge over the chasm! + + * * * + +A woman never forgets, however old she may be, that she was once very +beautiful. Why should she? The pity is that she very often forgets that +she is so no longer. My pet aversion in society is the woman of sixty +who succeeds in making herself look fifty, thinks she is forty, acts as +if she were thirty, and dresses as if she were twenty. + + * * * + +I am not prepared to say that celibacy is preferable to marriage; it +has, however, this decided advantage over it: a bachelor can always +cease to be one the moment he has discovered that he has made a mistake. + + * * * + +Women are extremists in everything. Poets, painters and sculptors know +this so well that they have always taken women as models for War, +Pestilence, Death, Famine and Justice, Virtue, Glory, Victory, Pity, +Charity. On the other hand, virtues and vices, blessings and calamities +of a lesser degree are represented by men. Such are Work, Perseverance, +Laziness, Avarice, etc. + + * * * + +It is not given to any man or woman to fall in love more than once with +the same person. And although men and women may love several times in +succession, they can only once love to the fulness of their hearts. + + * * * + +Love does to women what the sun does to flowers: it colours them, +embellishes them, makes them look radiant and beautiful; but when it is +too ardent it consumes and withers them. + + * * * + +There are two terribly embarrassing moments in the life of a man. The +first is when he has to say 'all' to the woman he loves, and the second +when all is said. + + * * * + +If a man is not to a certain extent ill at ease in the presence of a +woman, you may be quite sure that he does not really love her. + + * * * + +A woman explains the beauty of a woman; a man feels it. A man does not +always know why a woman is beautiful; a woman always does. + + * * * + +The sweetest music in the ears of a woman is the sound of the praises of +the man whom she loves. + + * * * + +It is a mistake for a married couple to consider that marriage has made +them one. To be attractive to each other they should each preserve their +personality quite distinct. Marriage is very often dull because man and +wife are one, and feel lonely. Most people get bored in their own +company. + + * * * + +Happiness in matrimony is sober, serious, based on love, confidence, and +friendship. Those who seek in it frivolity, pleasure, noise, and passion +condemn themselves to penal servitude. + + * * * + +The great misfortune of mankind is that matrimony is the only vocation +for which candidates have had no training; yet it is the one that +requires the most careful preparation. + + * * * + +On the part of a husband, violent jealousy is an insult to his wife, but +delicate, discreet jealousy is almost a compliment to her, for it proves +his lack of self-confidence, and that sometimes he feels he is not good +enough for her, not worthy of her. + + * * * + +Most women have the hearts of poets and the minds of diplomatists. What +makes a wife so useful to an ambassador is that she adds her own power +of intuition to the five senses already possessed by her husband. + + * * * + +Love in matrimony can live only on condition that man and wife remain +interesting in each other's eyes. Devotion, fidelity, attention to duty, +and all the troop of domestic virtues will not be sufficient to keep +love alive. + + * * * + +Beauty is not the mother of Love. On the contrary, it is often love +which engenders beauty, gives brilliancy to the eyes, gracefulness to +the body, vibration to the voice. Love is the sun that hatches the +flowers of the soul. The face which reflects all the inner sentiments of +the heart betrays the love of its owner, and is beautiful. + + * * * + +Those who in good faith promise eternal love and those who believe in +such promises are dupes--the former of their hearts, the latter of their +vanity. Wine well taken care of improves by keeping, but not for ever; +it is destined to turn to vinegar sooner or later. + + * * * + +Love is a great healer. The worst characteristic traits of a man and of +a woman have been known to be cured by it. + + * * * + +Men and women do not love before they are thirty, men especially. Until +then it is little more than rehearsing. Fortunate are those who retain +for the play the same company they had engaged for the rehearsal. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +WOMAN'S MISSION IN THIS WORLD + + +Naturalists make little difference between women and the other females +of the animal kingdom: they declare that the mission of woman is to be a +mother. Napoleon I., who was a naturalist, being asked to give a +definition of the best woman, answered: 'The one who bears most +children.' And as for him man was mere 'cannon flesh,' I am surprised he +did not say, 'The one who bears most boys.' + +Moralists are kinder to women; they go so far as to grant that woman's +mission is twofold: that she is intended to be a wife and a mother; that +she is to be the guardian of the hearth, submissive and devoted to man, +her lord and master; to look after her household, and be absorbed by her +duties toward her husband and children. + +No sinecure, this mission of woman, as you see--no joke either; but +moralists have no sense of humour--not a particle of it. + +No doubt this double rôle of wife and mother is most respectable; it is +even sacred; but woman's nature demands something else. To restrict her +circle of activity and influence to her family is to misappreciate her +many faculties, her aspirations, her feelings, which, like those of men, +are entitled to respect; it amounts to not recognising that her mission +is not only familial, but social also. + +I will not dwell on the part she is called upon to play in the family as +wife and mother. We men all know it, whether we are husbands or sons; +but we have also to consider what the rôle of woman is in that society +of which she is the great civilizing element as well as the greatest +ornament. + +The most noble part that has been allotted to woman is that of the +flower in the vegetable kingdom. This rôle consists in throwing a spell +over the world, in making life more refined and poetical--in a word, in +spreading fragrance around her and imparting it to all who come in +contact with her. A wag once said that but for the women men could have +hoped for Paradise. Good! But what about this world? Is not woman the +direct or indirect motive for all our actions? Is she not the embodiment +of the beautiful, and therefore the mother of Art? + +If she is sometimes the cause of a crime, is she not always the cause of +the most heroic deeds performed by man? Can we for a moment suppose +society without her? Why, without her it would fall into a state of +indolence and degradation, even of utter abjection. Would life be worth +living without the sweet presence of kind, cheerful, and amiable women? + +Ah, my dear sir, make fun of woman in your club as much as you like; +crack jokes at her expense to your heart's content; but acknowledge +frankly that you are under her power--at least, I hope, under her +influence--and that you could no more do without her than without the +air which enables you to breathe. + +Talk of woman's mission as wife and mother, as naturalists and moralists +do, but let all of us artists cry at the top of our voices that woman's +mission is to make life beautiful by the cultivation of her own beauty, +beauty of body, mind, and heart. + +It is the duty of woman to look as beautiful as she can; it is her +imperious duty to charm the world by her sweetness and amiability. A +woman who neglects this duty is guilty toward her fellow-creatures, even +guilty toward her Maker, by not helping the destiny for which she was +created. Countries are civilized in proportion to the influence that +women have over men in them. + +As long as gardens have flowers and the world has beautiful and amiable +women, so long will life be worth living. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +IS WOMAN INFERIOR TO MAN? + + +Many, many years ago a great council was held to discuss the question +whether women had souls. I forget the conclusion which that learned +assembly arrived at; but what is certain is that now most men do believe +that women have souls, although a great number of them are still of +opinion that woman is a being inferior to man. + +They hold that man is the lord of creation, the masterpiece, the last +word of the Almighty. + +Now, is this really the case? First, God made the earth, then light, +after which He created fishes, birds, and animals of all sorts. Then He +said: 'I will now create a being far above all the other animals.' + +He took some mud; mark well, I say, some mud, and made Adam. In His +wisdom He thought that mud was not good enough to make woman out of, and +for her creation he took matter which had already been purified by His +Divine breath, and He took part of Adam, and out of it made Eve. + +Now, surely, my dear fellow-men, you must own that either mud is better +stuff than yourself, or you must confess that woman has a nobler origin +than you. You can't get out of it. + +Please notice the order of creation: Fish, birds, animals, man and +woman. If men do not admit that the Creator began by the least and +finished with the best, they will have to conclude that lobsters, eels, +crocodiles, sharks, owls, vultures, and mere sparrows are beings +superior to them. + +If men do not recognise the superiority of these animals over them, they +will have to come to the conclusion that the work of creation is one of +improvement every day. + +But man will say, woman is not so strong as we are. True enough; but +horses are stronger than men; elephants by trampling on them can make +marmalade of them. Stags are swifter than men. Camels can carry a weight +of 2,500 lb. on their backs. Birds can fly, and men are only trying +machines to help them do it. + +Is man more intelligent than woman? Certainly not. Who ate the apple? I +know that Eve was the first to be disobedient, but she had an idea, at +all events before Adam had one. + +Had he even the power of resistance? No. Did he even try to shield woman +after the offence was committed? No, he didn't, the coward. He turned +against her and accused her of being the cause of the whole evil done. +Poor beginning, a poor show, and a sad lesson by which men have +profited, and to this day they turn against the woman they have +deceived, and often abandon her. Man is still true to his origin. + +My dear sirs, the proof that God was satisfied that, in creating woman, +He had said the last word of His Divine work, is that He entrusted her +with the most noble of missions, that of bearing the future generations, +of bringing children to the world, of guiding their first steps, of +cultivating their minds and inculcating in them the love of what is good +and right. In intending woman to be mother, God proclaimed the +superiority of women over the rest of the creation. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +WOMEN WHO ARE FOLLOWED AND ANNOYED IN THE STREET + + +I have constantly heard women complain, in Paris, in London, and in New +York, that they can seldom go out in the street without being followed +and annoyed by men, many of whom look like gentlemen. + +And they express their complaint in tones of indignation not altogether +free from a little air of self-satisfaction that seems to say: 'Of +course a pretty woman like myself is bound to be noticed and stared at +by men.' + +Well, I hate to say anything unpleasant to women, but there is an +illusion in which they too often indulge, and which I should like to +dispel at once. + +There are women beautiful as they can be, who can walk in every city +perfectly unmolested and in perfect comfort and security, and who would +be unable to tell you whether any man or woman had noticed them. + +We men are not so bold as many women believe, nor are we so silly. We +have instinct, and we know pretty well the woman who enjoys being +noticed and looked at, and even the one who seeks that enjoyment for +purpose of self-satisfaction or vanity. + +I am over fifty years old, and any girl of twenty, I guarantee, will +make me feel as timid as she likes in her presence, not by words, but +simply by her attitude of dignity and reserve. + +And I believe that practically the same might be said of every man who +is not an unmitigated scoundrel or blackguard. + +In a word, I should like to prove that a woman, who is too often noticed +and followed in the street, should be offended by it, and have enough +conscience of her value to mention it as little as possible; she should +also exercise more control over herself and pay great attention to the +way she dresses, looks and walks when out in the street. + +For if she is constantly followed, take it for granted that there is in +her appearance something, just a little something, that gives a wrong +impression of her. + +Let women have simplicity in their toilette, dignity in their manner, a +severe gracefulness in their general attitude, and I guarantee you that +no man--I mean no fairly well-bred man--will ever turn round to look at +them. + +Women should not call it success. They should feel humiliated to see +that some gloriously beautiful women do not obtain it. They should take +advice and seek a remedy with the earnestness of that cashier who, +returning home, could not even take notice of his wife and children, +much less kiss them, until he had discovered the cause of an error of a +penny in his accounts amounting to several thousands of pounds. + +When a woman tells me that she cannot go out without men looking and +smiling at her, I have always a mind to say to her: 'Perhaps you wink at +them.' + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +DANGEROUS MEN + +(A WARNING TO WOMEN) + + +Among the men who are the most dangerous for women must be reckoned +those whose advances of love generally prove unsuccessful. Women have no +idea of the harm that may be done to them by those parasites of their +homes. + +A woman, young, amiable, and cheerful, welcomes such men in her house +without entertaining any suspicion. She invites them to her receptions, +her dinner-parties; she often finds them pleasant, witty, and then they +venture a few flattering compliments. She at first accepts them as the +current coin of society, and pays no attention to them. + +As she is amiable to her guests, she is not on her guard, and she treats +them to the same smiles, which these fops of the purest water often +imagine are gracious smiles conferred on them only. Thus encouraged, +they go further, and venture compliments bordering on declarations of +love, or, at any rate, on expressions of deep admiration. The young +woman, used to compliments, takes no notice of our heroes, or pretends +to have understood nothing. + +Her silence is then taken for a tacit acceptance, and the fops, +emboldened, make an open declaration of love. Now, a regular flirt or +coquette knows how to encourage or discourage a man with one glance, but +a perfectly good woman is taken unaware; she feels embarrassed, and, +thus apparently encouraged, these men get bolder and bolder, until the +young woman has to show them the door. + +Then her troubles begin. These parasites will go to their clubs, and, +even in drawing-rooms, say that she is a heartless coquette who +encourages men to make love to her just to amuse herself. They abuse +her, watch her, and, if one day she should compromise herself in the +least, woe to her if the secret should fall into such men's hands! There +is no revenge of which they are not capable. A case of this sort was, +not long ago, investigated thoroughly, and it turned out that an +anonymous letter had been written to the husband of a most charming +society woman by a cur whom she had to turn out of her house for +offering her a worthless love. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +THE MAN WHO SMILES + + +There is to be met in society a man who is particularly provoking and +supremely objectionable and offensive. He is about forty, very +gentlemanly, self-possessed, irreproachably dressed, well informed, +interesting talker, with a somewhat patronizing air, and an eternal +smile of self-satisfaction on his face. + +This man has compromised more women than many a 'devil of a fellow.' If +you say before him, 'Mrs. X. is very beautiful, isn't she?' he says +nothing, but smiles complacently. So you look at him and add: + +'Oh, you know her, then?' He smiles again. 'You don't say so!' you +remark. 'I should have thought her a woman above the breath of +suspicion.' + +He smiles still. You become persuaded that he is, or has been, on the +most intimate terms with the lady in question. + +Mention before him the name of any woman you like to choose, and if the +woman is in the least fashionable, or renowned for her beauty or +position, he smiles. + +If at a ball he asks a lady to give him the pleasure of her partnership +for a waltz or a polka, he leans close toward her, smiling at her in +such a strange way that people believe he is telling her words of love, +or, worse, that he is granted permission to do so. + +If he calls on a lady on her reception day, he has a way to salute her, +to kiss her hand, to look at her in a patronizing way that seems to say +to the other callers: + +'See how ceremonious I am with her before other people, and what a good +comedian I am!' + +And he smiles, smiles, and smiles. + +Women are ill at ease in his presence. They hate him, but as he is +content with smiling, and goes no further, what are they to do? They +avoid him when they can, his smiles are so compromising. + +And they are right. His smiles are more compromising than _bonâ fide_ +slander and calumny. + +The men hate him, too, but they feel as powerless as the women do. They +would like to slap his face, but you cannot say to a man: + +'I slap your face because I saw you smile on hearing my wife's name.' + +No, that would be too absurd. He knows it, and that is why he goes on +smiling. He is safe. + +When he hears a bit of gossip on a woman, he immediately takes her +defence, but in such a weak manner, and with such a smile on his face +all the time, that people immediately come to the conclusion that 'it +must be all true.' + +What is most provoking is that the man has not a bad reputation. He has +never been openly mixed in any intrigue, and even his intimate friends +have never heard of any love affair connecting him with any woman. For +some people he is an enigma, for others a clever comedian, a maniac, a +bore, or a fop. + +For men who justly hold that women should be treated with such respect +that no act of man should cause anyone to even breathe a light remark on +their character, the man who smiles is a cur. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +WOMEN AND DOLLS + + +The love of little girls for their dolls is a very serious love; it +absolutely amounts to maternal tenderness. I have watched little girls +nurse their dolls, and detected in their eyes that almost divine glance +that you can see in devoted mothers tending their little children. For +that matter a little girl is only a woman in miniature. A young boy has +none, or very few, of the characteristics of a man; but a young girl +has, at ten years of age, all the characteristics of a woman. + +I have known little girls of ten and twelve who were perfect flirts, +little coquettes, careful housekeepers, and, toward their dolls, most +devoted mothers. I remember one who sternly refused to accompany us to a +most tempting party, because her doll had a cold and she felt she must +stay at home to nurse it. She was absolutely serious over it, and found +even great delight in remaining at home all the time by the bedside of +her doll. I remember another who had spent the whole morning cleaning +her doll's house from top to bottom. When it was all over she drew a +great sigh of relief. 'At last,' she said, 'the house is clean; that's +comfort, anyway.' A good, dutiful, bourgeois housewife would not have +expressed herself otherwise. Have you not, some of you, even seen little +girls give medicines to their dolls, rock them to sleep, put them to +bed, tuck them in most carefully, and see that the bedclothes did not +choke them and cause them to have nightmares? I have, many times. + +A man very often shows inclinations, tastes, and all sorts of +characteristic traits which his parents never discovered in him when he +was a young boy; but a woman of thirty is what she was when she was ten, +only a little more so. A bad boy may become a very good man, and I have +known very good boys become very bad men; but a caressing, loving little +girl will surely make a loving wife and a tender mother; a cold and +uncaressing little girl will become a heartless woman, an indifferent +wife and mother. A boy is a boy! a little girl is a little woman. + +This is so true that women, many women at all events, who treated their +dolls as if they were children, treat their children as if they were +dolls. It is the survival of the little girl in the woman. I have known +women allow the hair of their boys to fall down their backs in long +curls because they looked prettier and more like dolls, although they +must have known that the sap of their young bodies was feeding hair at +the expense of other far more important parts of their anatomy. When you +see a woman most attentive to her baby, insisting on washing it, +dressing it herself, you say: 'She is a most dutiful mother; she would +trust no one but herself to attend her little child.' But it is not only +the satisfaction of a duty performed that makes that woman look so +happy, it is also the pleasure she derives from it. And the odds are ten +to one that this very woman will play at doll with her child a great +deal too long, and that the day on which she will be compelled to allow +the child to have some liberty and become independent of her, she will +resent it. + +There is not, I believe, a single elderly woman that does not prefer the +child of her daughter to her daughter herself, who has become now an +unmanageable doll who dresses and undresses without the help of anybody. +And if this daughter does not allow her mother to do with the grandchild +just as she likes, there will be trouble, caused by jealousy. There will +be two women now to play at dolls. Why does a grandmother indulge a +young child, give it sweets and candies? Is it to give that child a good +digestion? No; it is to play at dolls. Do they dress little girls like +the 'principal boys' of pantomimes in the palace scene, in order to make +them acquire modest tastes and sensible notions? No; it is to play at +dolls. + +Woman plays at dolls to the end of her life, with her toys, with her +children, with her grandchildren, and with herself. + +I have never heard women have a good word to say of daughters-in-law who +had not given children to their sons. Poor, dear old ladies! They +certainly were under the impression that their sons had only one object +in view when they contemplated matrimony, that of presenting 'Grannie' +with dolls to play with. I quite understand that grandmothers should be +admired, that children should bless them, and even advise other children +to 'get some,' when they have not got any, but I do not think that +grandmothers should be held up to the world as models, because more than +nine times out of ten they spoil children, and derive pleasure not from +duties performed to the child, but from the satisfaction of playing at +dolls. I have very often met sensible mothers, but grandmothers seldom; +they generally are incorrigible sinners--and proud of it, too. + +Alphonse Karr, in his 'Reminiscences,' relates how he used to meet in +society a young and charming woman who always behaved towards him in a +very cool manner. Unable to understand the reason, he one day took a +chair by her side, made himself particularly pleasant, and point-blank +asked her why she did not seem pleased to meet him, and inquired whether +he might have unconsciously done anything to cause her displeasure. For +a long time she defended herself, assuring him that her coldness towards +him was only in his imagination; but, as he insisted, she at last said +to him: 'Well, I will tell you. It was thirty-five years ago. One +afternoon you called on us, and I was in the drawing-room. Being invited +to take a seat by my mother, you chose an arm-chair on which my doll was +asleep. You removed it, and quite unceremoniously laid it on a table, +head downwards, at the risk of hurting it. In fact, you damaged its +nose. I conceived for you a perfect hatred, and, upon my word, I do not +think that I am now capable of forgiving you altogether.' + +MORAL.--If you want to get into the good graces of a woman, praise her +baby; if you want a little girl to love you, admire her dolls and treat +them with respect. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +MEN AS A RULE ARE SELFISH--TWO KINDS OF SELFISH MEN + + +There are in the world men who are devotion and self-abnegation +personified; there are women who are the embodiment of selfishness. From +this we cannot lay down a rule any more than we could if, in landing in +New York, we saw a red-haired woman, and said at once: + +'The Americans are a red-haired people.' + +But as, during my life, I have known more men who are selfish than +unselfish, and more women who are unselfish than selfish, I am prepared +to conclude that man is more selfish than woman. + +I have known men of small income (and in their way good men they were) +belong to two or three clubs, dine at expensive restaurants, and smoke +excellent cigars all day long. + +Their daughters had to give lessons in order to obtain the money that +was necessary for dressing decently, and the house had to be kept on +most economical lines. + +I have known others, not worse than those I have just mentioned, allow +nothing but water on their family table, and take champagne for dinner +at the club or the restaurant. + +I could divide selfish men into two classes: the man with good redeeming +features, and the execrably selfish man. + +The former is good-hearted and fairly sensitive. He hates nobody, +because hatred disturbs sleep and rest. He avoids emotions for his own +comfort; he is learnedly selfish. + +If you are unhappy, in distressed circumstances, don't bother him about +it. He is sorry, he cannot help it, and he would rather not hear of it. + +If you are ill, do not expect a visit from him; the sight of pain or +grief affects him. If you are in want, he may send you a £5 note, but he +does not want to see you. He seeks the company of cheerful and happy +people only. + +He has an income of £6,000 a year, and will tell you that nobody dies of +starvation except in novels. + +He turns his head from wretches shivering with cold in the street, and +is of opinion that a good Government should suppress paupers and all +sorts of people who disturb the peace and happiness of the rich. His +friends call him 'a good fellow.' + +The other type is execrable. The miseries of other people increase his +happiness. When he sees a starving-looking man or a sick one, he returns +thanks that he is rich and healthy. + +He does not avoid the unfortunate: he almost seeks them. The more +horrible tales you tell him of poverty, sorrows, disease, wretchedness, +the happier he is to feel that he runs no danger of ever encountering +such calamities. + +Well wrapped up in furs in a good carriage, the sight of a beggar, +benumbed with cold, sitting on the stone steps of an empty house, +doubles his comfort. He finds his carriage better suspended, and his +furs warmer. + +He almost believes that the abject poor were invented to make him +appreciate his good fortune better. He is not unlike those fanatics of a +certain school who believe that the greatest bliss reserved for the +elect in heaven is to see their less fortunate brethren burn in hell. As +I have said, this type of selfish man is execrable. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES + +THE RIGHT AND WRONG IN THE CASE OF A ROYAL PRINCESS + + +Since the escapade of the Royal Princess of Saxony with the French tutor +Giron, many have asked me, 'Do you approve or forgive her? Do you not +think that a woman who can no longer endure life with a sullen and +unsympathetic husband has a right to break away from the social +conventionalities of life and go her own way in search of happiness?' + +The question is not easy to answer. There may be, or there may not be, +extenuating circumstances in the conduct of a woman who deserts her +husband, or a man who leaves his wife. + +First of all, let me say that I place the consideration of duty far +higher than that of personal happiness. Therefore, a man or a woman who +abandons a home where there are children of a tender age, children who +require the protection of a father and the affection of a mother, which +no one can replace, is a coward that should be placed under the ban of +society. + +I don't care how much a woman may fall in love with a man, or a man +with a woman, the duty of either is to remain by the side of their +children, to watch over their education, and to see them launched in +life. If they shirk this duty, there is no excuse, no atonement for +their conduct, which closely borders on crime. + +When there are no children, I admit that there may be circumstances in +which I would forgive a man or a woman who leaves a home in which life +has become unendurable, in order to seek happiness in the company of a +partner who has given proof of love, devotion, and disinterestedness. I +might also be prepared to forgive if the children were grown up and able +to support themselves. + +On no account, however, could I approve, or even forgive, a man who +leaves a wife with whom life may have become as intolerable as you like +without duly providing for her comfort, even if by so doing he should +have nothing left for himself, and be obliged to start life afresh. + +I do not admit that anyone, man or woman, has a right to shirk +responsibilities imposed by solemn promises. Let them set this right +first of all. After that, let them solve the problem of happiness as +best they can. + +No doubt there are drawbacks in holding royal honours, but I believe in +the old motto, _Noblesse oblige_; and if _noblesse_ does, surely royalty +should. Royalty nowadays is not of much use, except when it gives to +the people over which it rules the example of all virtues, of all +domestic virtues especially. + +When people are born in the purple, they are born with responsibilities. +If they fling them to the four winds of the earth, there is no use for +royalty: the reason for its existence has ceased to exist. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +AMERICAN WOMEN IN PARIS + + +Every year in Paris, in springtime, we see the American women reappear +with the regularity of the swallow. We expect them, we watch for their +arrival, and we are delighted when we hear them say, with their singing +voices, that they have come for our season, which begins in April and +goes on till 'The Grand Prix' is run during the second week of June. + +The American woman is not only received, but eagerly sought in our most +aristocratic society. Her amiability and brilliancy have forced open the +doors of our most exclusive mansions. She affords so much pleasure that +she is indispensable. We are dull without her, because she is not only +beautiful and a feast for the eyes, but she is bright, brilliant, witty, +unconventional, and a feast for the mind. It is thanks to all these +qualities, far more than to her dollars, that the American woman is +to-day part and parcel of what is called 'Tout Paris.' And, indeed, +there is no woman in the world so attractive as the fair daughter of +Uncle Sam. Her physical, moral, and intellectual charms make her the +most interesting woman one may wish to meet. + +The English woman is very often beautiful. Her freshness is exquisite, +her figure excellent when she knows how to enhance its beauty by +well-made garments. She is, perhaps, beyond competition when she is +really beautiful, but her beauty is too often statuesque, and lacks +lustre and piquancy. The French woman is supple and graceful, but she is +more fascinating by her manner, by her chic, than by the beauty of her +complexion, the regularity of her features, and the proportions of her +figure. The German is often fine, but generally heavy, compact, and +lacking elegance. + +The American woman is an altogether. She has the piquancy, the +fascinating manner, the elegance, the grace, and the gait of the +Parisienne; but, besides, she often possesses the eyes of a Spaniard, +the proud figure of a Roman, and the delicate features of an English +woman. If, during the Paris season, you walk in the Champs-Elysées +district, where all the best Americans are settled, you will admire +those women looking radiant with intelligence, cheerful, independent, +who, you can see, have the consciousness of their value. + +The education which she has received has developed all her faculties. +The liberty she always enjoyed, the constant attentions she has received +from father, brother, husband, and all her male friends, have made her +feel safe everywhere, and she goes about freely, with a firm step that +stamps her American. Thanks to her finesse, her power of observation, +her native adaptability, she can fit herself for every station of life. +If one day she finds herself mistress of the White House or Vice-Queen +of India, she immediately feels at home. She may be ever so learned, she +is never a pedant. She is, and remains, a woman in whose company a man +feels at once at his ease; a sort of fascinating good fellow, with all +the best attributes of womanhood; a little of a coquette, with a +suspicion of a touch of blue-stocking--but so little. She loves dresses, +and none puts them on better than she does. English women, even the most +elegant ones at home, seldom favour us, when they visit us, but with all +the worst frumps and frippery they can find in their wardrobe. The +American women are considerate enough to try and do their best for us, +and we appreciate the compliment. And thus they brighten our theatres, +our promenades, our balls and dinner-parties, our fashionable +restaurants, and Paris, which loves them, could not now do without +them. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +WOMEN WHO WALK BEST + + +A few weeks ago I was watching the church parade in Hyde Park, London, +between the statue of Achilles and Stanhope Gate, when I met an American +lady of my acquaintance. We walked together for awhile, and then sat +down in order to watch the fashionable crowd more closely. + +It is said that, although Americans and Englishmen think a great deal of +one another nowadays, you seldom hear American women praise the women of +England, and more seldom still hear English women say a good word of +American women. + +So I was tickled to know what my American lady friend thought of the +crowd that was performing before us, and I asked her to give me her +impressions. + +'Well,' she said, 'it is as good as, if not better than, anything that +New York could produce. Possibly on some special occasion Fifth Avenue +might turn out a few lovelier dresses, but the London average is above +the New York average. You see fewer absolute failures here among the +women, while the men are quite unapproachable--surely Londoners are the +best-dressed men in the world.' + +'And the New Yorkers the most brand-newly dressed men,' I interrupted. +'But you are right. I like to think that a coat has been worn just more +than once. But please go on.' + +'The days when the London girl was really badly dressed are dead and +gone. We have educated her, we Americans, until she has all but reached +our standard. Just think what the London shops were fifteen and even ten +years ago! Something awful! But now I can buy in them everything I want +just as easily as though I were in Paris or New York. + +'I don't know whether the supply of pretty dresses and dainty _et +ceteras_ made the demand, or whether it was the other way about, but, at +any rate, there has been a change within the last decade that is almost +a revolution. The London woman of to-day dresses quite as well as her +sister across the Channel or the Atlantic.' + +I was getting sadly disappointed, for my lady friend is a critic and a +wit, and I was expecting a few amusing remarks on English women. So I +ventured: + +'So you think that now English women can obtain in London dresses just +as pretty as women can in Paris and New York? + +'Certainly,' she replied. 'Yet they never look so well, because, you +see, when they get these pretty dresses, these poor English women don't +know how to put them on. The English girl's education is not yet +completed. She has not learned how to carry herself as we have in +America, both at home and at school. You know the splendid air and prima +donna effects that American women can bring off when they choose. These +young English women have hardly a suspicion of them. + +'In taste for the delicate things of dress the Londoner is now just +about where she should be; but she has not yet learned how to wear a +dress. A French woman or an American would make fifty per cent, more of +it than the English woman knows how to do; and if this is to be +remedied, English girls will first have to be taught how to walk and how +to hold themselves.' + +And no doubt my American friend had hit on the national defect of +English women--their bad way of walking and holding themselves. + +One's thoughts naturally fly to Spain, where every member of the +feminine sex, from the little girl of four to the old woman, who in +England would be bent and tottering, knows how to carry herself as if +she were a queen. + +If it is true that this result is achieved by the Spanish custom of +carrying everything on the head instead of on the back or in the hand, +it is a pity the English do not make their girls begin at once to carry +their school-satchels in a way that will make them hold their heads up +instead of down, and accentuate gracefully their lines both behind and +in front. + +When I was in South Africa I invariably admired the manner in which the +Kaffir and Zulu women walked and held themselves. On watching them I +often exclaimed: 'If English women could only walk and carry themselves +as these women do, with their pretty faces and figures, with their +beautiful skin and complexion, they would have few rivals in the world.' + +It is by walking barefooted and carrying everything on their heads that +the women of Kaffirland and Zululand learn to walk so well, to hold +their heads up, to bring their chests forward, to throw back their +shoulders, and give to their gait that gentle swing which is so dainty +and graceful. + +American women obtain the same result by being drilled at school, for it +is incontestable, and, I believe, incontested, that they are the best +walking women, and also those who, with the Parisiennes, know best how +to put on their dresses. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN + + +Heller, who has collected the greatest number of instances of extreme +long life, found 1,000 persons who lived from 100 to 110, 60 from 110 to +120, 30 from 120 to 130, 15 from 130 to 140, 6 from 140 to 150, and one +who lived to be 169 years of age. + +French writes that from 1881 to 1890, in Massachusetts, there were 203 +deaths of persons past the age of 100. Of these 153 were women and 50 +were men. Let us add that the parts of the world which have supplied, in +proportion to their population, the greatest number of centenarians, are +New England, Scotland, and Brittany. + +All these centenarians, without exception, have been found among the +humbler classes, and most of them among peasants--that is to say, among +the workers of the community who lead quiet, regular, and busy lives. + +It is worthy of note that just those very principles which were laid +down by the Founder of the Christian religion as best for the eternal +welfare of the soul have been proved by the passing years to be best for +the body also. + +It is not those who are clad in purple and fine linen and fare +sumptuously every day who are strong enough to climb to the clear +heights of a great age. Neither titles nor wealth keep the feet from +wearying of the uphill path of life. + +They who would have their days long in the land must honour their great +mother, Nature. They must walk in her ways. Nature does not rejoice in +sluggards, therefore they must work, and the more steadily they work the +longer they live. + +Men of thought have always been distinguished for their age. Solon, +Sophocles, Pindar, Anacreon, and Xenophon were octogenarians. Kant, +Buffon, Goethe, Fontenelle, and Newton were over eighty. Michael Angelo +and Titian were eighty-nine and ninety-nine respectively. Harvey, the +discoverer of the circulation of the blood, lived to be eighty. + +Victor Hugo was over eighty. Gladstone, who worked every minute of his +life, always in search of new subjects to master, and who took his +recreation in bodily work--gardening, cutting down his trees--died at +eighty-eight. + +Sidney Cooper, the English animal painter, whose work of last year will +be exhibited at the Royal Academy, London, this year, died at +ninety-nine, practically with his brushes in his hands. + +The preponderance of females over males in the matter of long life is a +striking fact. It is also constant. All authorities agree in this, that +more women than men live to be very old. The more fragile pitcher is +not so soon broken at the fountain. Why? + +One would hardly expect woman, with all the dangers and sufferings +attending motherhood, to last longer than man. Yet undoubtedly she does. + +I know in Brittany a peasant woman who is now ninety-seven. She does her +sewing without spectacles; she walks a couple of miles every day; goes +to bed at eight, rises at six in the winter and at five in the summer. + +She eats and sleeps well, and is in the enjoyment of perfect health. She +had seventeen children. The healthiest trees are those which bear fruit +every year. + +The reason for woman's longevity is not far to seek. Women lead more +careful, regular, and sheltered lives than men. It is the man who has to +fight daily with the world, and how hard and trying the fight often is +none but the fighter himself can tell. + +He succumbs to more temptations than woman, because more come his way. +It is the man who is often called upon to undermine his bodily vigour by +earning his bread at unhealthy occupations. It is he who goes down the +mines, to sea, and to the battlefield. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +WOMEN MAY ALL BE BEAUTIFUL + + +Nothing is more difficult to define than beauty. It is not something +absolute, like truth; it differs according to times, countries, races, +and individual tastes. Greek beauty is not Parisian beauty, English +beauty is pretty well the opposite of Italian beauty. + +A European beauty might strike a Chinaman as very ugly, and a Chinese +beauty would find no admirer in Europe, except, perhaps, among blasé +people with the most fastidious tastes and ever in search of novelty. + +The Buddha of the Hindoos has nothing in common with the Jupiter of the +Greeks. Ancient art differs entirely from modern art. + +In Antiquity, beauty consists in the harmony of the proportions, the +purity of the lines, the nobility of form and attitude, the sobriety of +the figure, and the coldness of the expression. In modern times, beauty +consists in gracefulness, piquancy, intelligence, sentiment, vivacity, +and exuberance of form. + +But there are two kinds of beauty in women: that which is natural to +them, and that which they can acquire by carefully studying what suits +them best to wear, and how they can use to advantage their style of +face and figure. + +I have seen women absolutely transformed by the hands of a skilful +dressmaker or a clever hairdresser. + +The natural beauty is that happy ensemble of lines and expression which +attract and charm the eyes. It is not at all indispensable that this +ensemble should be harmonious. On the contrary, contrasts are often less +cold and monotonous than perfect harmony, and the statuesque beauty +generally leaves us unmoved. + +The woman who looks amiable and cheerful is naturally beautiful--far +more so than a woman with irreproachable sculptural outlines and +features so regular that she makes you wish she had some redeeming +defect or other. Perfection was attractive in ancient Greece; it is not +now. + +Perfection seldom looks amiable and bright, and modern beauty must look +intelligent--brilliant even. Ancient Greece would not have looked at a +turned-up nose; but such a nose denotes gaiety, wit, spirit of repartee, +and we like it. + +I hope I shall not offend that most talented of French actresses, Madame +Rejane, or her admirers, by saying that Athens would have refused to +look at her; but the Parisians, the descendants and successors of the +Attic Greeks, love her, with her big mouth, square when it laughs, and +her turned-up nose. To them she is the embodiment of liveliness, wit, +and gaiety. + +A small, piquante brunette, with small, keen eyes, thick lips, thin, +alert; a blonde dishevelled, like a spaniel, with glorious form, will +excite admiration--both are beautiful. + +But the other beauty, the one that can be obtained of art, is at the +disposal of every woman. In fact, the woman who knows how to put on her +dress and do her hair well, who has on a becoming hat, pretty shoes, and +neat gloves, who has good taste in furniture, who speaks pleasantly, +smiles cheerfully and good-naturedly, who has elegance of manners and a +pretty voice, who has a bright conversation--that woman will be declared +pretty, even beautiful, far more readily and unanimously than the real +beauty, one who fails to pay attention to her dress and manners, who has +no consciousness of her power and her value, and who constantly forgets +that good surroundings are to her what a handsome frame is to a picture. + +Practically every woman can obtain this result, and that is why I have +entitled this chapter 'Women may All be Beautiful.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +WOMEN AT SEA + + +Of all the pitiful sights, of all the pathetic figures in the world, +there is none to compare to women at sea. + +Is it possible that these dejected, abject-looking bundles of misery +only yesterday were the bright, proud, elegant, queenly fashion-plates +whom I saw on Fifth Avenue? _Quantum mutatæ ab illis!_ What a +metamorphosis! + +Poor things! Even the most terrible home ruler is satisfied with the +lower berth, and gives her husband a chance to look down upon her. She +is meek and grateful, she is submissive, and her imploring eyes beg the +most hen-pecked husband not to take advantage of his temporary +superiority. + +She arrived on board flamboyant, with her most bewitching finery on, or +a most becoming yachting-suit. She meant to 'fetch' all the men on deck. +She went radiant to the saloon and examined the lovely flowers which had +been sent to wish her _bon voyage_. _Bon voyage!_ What irony! + +These flowers are the very emblem of all that is going to happen to +her--bright, fresh, and erect as the boat starts; wet, withered, +drooping, and dripping, with no life left, twenty-four hours later. + +She is present at the first meal, and declares to her neighbours that +things at sea are not so bad as some people pretend, and the Atlantic is +too often libelled. Besides, she is used to travelling, and she knows a +remedy for sea-sickness. + +Before sailing she doctored herself. She took an infallible drug--a +rather unpleasant one, it is true; but what is that compared to the +benefit derived from it? Yes, an infallible remedy--at any rate, one +that succeeds nine times out of ten. Alas! this time is going to be the +tenth. + +You get outside the harbour, and leave Sandy Hook behind you. She has +taken soup and fish. Somehow she now feels she has had enough. Her +appetite is satisfied, and she goes on deck. When you see her again, she +is lying on an easy-chair, packed as carefully and tightly as a valuable +clock that is to be sent to the Antipodes. + +There she now lies, motionless, speechless, helpless, and hopeless, +wondering if the infallible remedy is going to fail. The yachting-cap is +no longer roguish and cocky, but hanging over her eyes, or her beautiful +hat is replaced by a tam-o'-shanter. The damp air has already taken away +all her curls, and her hair, straight as drum-sticks, is hanging in +front and behind, and, worse than all, she doesn't care. Provided you +don't speak to her, don't shake her, and don't ask her to move, she +doesn't care. + +The boat is heaving. All the different parts of her anatomy go up with +the boat, but they all come down again one by one, and she has to gather +them together. She is at sea with a vengeance! Her husband is all right, +the brute! so is pretty Miss So-and-So, who is chatting with him, the +cat! + +Their smiles and insulting pictures of health are more than she can +bear. She is a good Christian, but if only that girl could be sick, too! +What business has she to be well? + +Of course, her husband has packed her up, tucked her in most carefully, +and placed grapes and iced soda-water within her reach. He has done his +duty, and now he makes himself scarce. Maybe he is flirting on the +weather side, maybe he is in the smoke-room having a game of piquet or +poker. + +Anyway, he is all right, having a good time. Why isn't he sick, too? + +For six or seven days, that bright American woman, who runs household, +husband, children, and servants with one glance of the eye, is at the +mercy of everyone who belongs to her, suffering agonies, tortures of +body and mind, and you would imagine that a boat sees her on the +Atlantic for the last time. + +You would think that all the beauties of American scenery, its +seashores, lakes, and mountains, will attract her next season. Not a bit +of it. In order to be seen at the dreary funereal functions of Mayfair +and Belgravia, she will cross again. She goes where duty calls her. She +has to be 'in it' first, in the hope of soon being 'of it.' + +And, in order to secure her social standing on a sure basis, twice a +year she will pack her belongings and suffer death agonies. The pluck +and power of endurance of women is perfectly prodigious. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +THE SECRET OF WOMAN'S BEAUTY + + +The secret of a woman's beauty is not to be discovered in her +dressing-room, as cynics might intimate; it is not obtained by the use +of cosmetics, pomade, magic waters, and ointments; by the application of +red, white, and black, neither by painting nor dyeing; the real secret +of woman's beauty lies in resplendent health and a cheerful mind. + +It was only a few days ago that I said to a lady, an intimate friend of +mine, who has just been promoted to the dignity of a grandmother: 'Won't +you make up your mind one of these days to look over thirty years of +age?' My lady friend is very beautiful, and she knows it; but she +carries her beauty without any affectation and bumptiousness. + +She is simplicity personified, and if you were to talk to her about her +looks she would smile, and immediately beg you to kindly change the +subject of conversation. But we are old friends, and when I asked her to +tell me what she did, that I might tell others how she succeeded in +remaining young, fresh, and beautiful, she allowed me to insist. + +'Well,' she said, 'let me tell you at once that I do not spend fifty +shillings a year in perfumery. I have always retired and risen early; I +have always done as much good as I have been permitted to do; I have +always frequented cheerful and happy people, read cheerful books, and +seen cheerful plays; I have always taken healthy exercise and indulged +in plenty of fresh air by day and night. + +'But I should add: I have had the good luck of being born with a +cheerful disposition, and of being brought up by cheerful and happy +parents. I have always dearly enjoyed humour, and have always been able +to appreciate it. I am a philosopher. + +'You say that I look thirty--well, I am forty-five; but if my body is +young, my mind is younger still, and I am perfectly sure that, when I am +a great-grandmother, I shall enjoy playing with a doll as much as any of +my little great-grand-daughters.' + +And she went on giving me advice in minute details. Here are a few hints +which my lady readers might hear with profit: + + +HINT NO. 1 + +_Never expose your shoulders and arms to cold. When you leave a hot room +to go out in the open air, cover them most carefully so as to create on +your body an increase of temperature exactly equal to the difference +there exists between the indoor temperature you leave and the outdoor +one._ + + +HINT NO. 2 + +_Avoid beds too soft and too much bed-clothing, which cause nightmares, +develop nervous irritation, and conduce to stoutness. Never have round +your beds curtains, except as an ornament, if you like, at the head; but +draw them in such a way that fresh air can circulate freely round your +head. Renew the air of your bedroom several times a day, and during the +night, however cold it may be, have one window slightly open, even if +you should be compelled to keep a fire all night._ + + +HINT NO. 3 + +Your bedroom should never be at a temperature above sixty-five degrees. + + +HINT NO. 4 + +_A woman enjoying good health should sleep eight hours, nine at most, +and never less than seven. Sleep is a repairing balm which gives rest to +the muscles, the nerves, and all the organs. Late evening and night +sleeps are refreshing, but not so the sleep you may indulge in in the +morning, or the nap you may have in the afternoon. What you want is +uninterrupted sleep from eleven at night till seven in the morning. No +other sleep will keep you fresh and well._ + + +HINT NO. 5 + +_Never go to bed hungry, although you wait till your indigestion is well +over. If you are hungry take some very light refreshment that you will +digest at once and without any difficulty._ + + +HINT NO. 6 + +_No sleep is thoroughly sound and good unless your face assumes a +perfectly serene expression. To attain this end, do not allow your brain +to work at night, or your mind to be besieged by painful thoughts. Do or +read nothing exciting. Go to bed with pleasant thoughts and a quiet +mind._ + +I am sure my lady friend is right; for, consulting advice on hygiene in +a book written by a famous physician, I see that this great doctor +advises the following: + + Substantial and digestible meals at regular times. + Very little liquids at meals, if any. + Well-aired rooms and cool bedrooms. + Plenty of fresh air and cold water. + Warm but light clothing. + Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. + A contented mind. + A cheerful disposition. + Indulgence in deeds of generosity and charity. + Plenty of genial occupation. + +Such is certainly the secret of health and cheerfulness, and the secret +of beauty, which is the reflection of both. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +THE DURATION OF BEAUTY + + +Descartes, Montesquieu, Scribe, Stahl, and many other famous writers of +modern times, not to speak of philosophers of antiquity, have decried +beauty, and warned mankind against its illusions, and especially its +short duration, without succeeding, I must say, in disgusting the world +out of it. True, beauty does not last for ever; but who would think of +singing the praises of ugliness because it does last? And, for that +matter, I am of opinion that beauty does last. I have known men quite +handsome at sixty, and women quite beautiful at the same age. And even +if it did not last, what of that? Are we not to admire the sun because +it is followed by night and obscurity? Are we to despise spring because +it is followed by winter one day? + +Wise parents say to young men: 'Be sure you do not marry a woman for the +sake of her beauty. Marry a woman for her lasting qualities, not for +such an ephemeral one as beauty.' Upon my word, to hear some people +talk, you would imagine that the beauty of a woman is a thing that lasts +a year at most. The beauty of a happy woman who loves and is loved +lasts thirty years at least, and the beauty of some women is such that +if it only lasted a year, it would be sufficient to leave about a man +for his life a fragrance that all the roses of the world put together +could give but a faint idea of. + +Nobody complains that peaches are not as big as pumpkins, and therefore +do not last so long. Some peaches arrived at their full maturity are so +excellent that, although they only make two 'swallows,' you not only +enjoy eating them, but you long remember the beautiful taste they had. + +I must say that nobody is the dupe of all the diatribes which are hurled +at beauty, women still less than men. It has always been, and still is, +and always will be, the wish of women to be beautiful, and the wish of +men to see women beautiful. Even Ernest Renan, whom nobody would have +ever accused of frivolity, joined the ranks, and said that the first +duty of woman was to try and look beautiful. Let a woman hear that, in +speaking of her, you have said that she was bad-tempered, giddy, silly, +extravagant, everything you like, but that you have acknowledged that +she was exceedingly beautiful, and I will warrant that you have not made +an enemy of that woman. She may keep a grudge against you, but not for +long. But let that woman hear that you have owned that she was sweet, +dutiful, clever, devoted, and possessed of all the domestic virtues, but +that she was far from being beautiful, you will discover you have made +a bitter enemy for the rest of your natural life. + +The great attributes of a woman are the beauty of her face and figure, +the brilliancy of her mind, and the qualities of her heart. But when a +woman is not beautiful, other women will never discuss the good opinion +you may have of her mental attainments and sweet disposition. They will +leave her in peaceful possession of all these qualities; but if you +praise her beauty in terms of ecstasy before them--lo, they will form +the square and fight until the last cartridge is used. It is beauty, not +cleverness or virtue, that makes women jealous of other women. And when +the beauty of a woman is perfectly indisputable, and it is almost +impossible for them to find the slightest fault either with her face or +her figure, then they declare that, unfortunately, her beauty is one +which will not last. The dear women! how they wish they could possess +that beauty, were it but for a day! + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +THE WOMAN 'GOOD FELLOW'--A SOCIETY TYPE + + +The woman who belongs to the 'jolly good fellow' type is frank and +sincere, and as steady in her friendships as the most perfect gentleman. +In love, she is disappointing, if not absolutely a fraud. Indeed, the +idea of her possibly falling in love would seem to her quite as funny as +it would to other people. She is of a cool temperament. + +In friendship, her heart is set in the right place; in love, it is deaf +and dumb. + +She is fond of good living and of gaieties of all sorts, both in town +and country. She prefers the society of men to that of women. She is no +coquette, but has no objection to flirting--in fact, she enjoys it, and +all the more that she knows it cannot make her run the least danger. 'It +amuses men,' she thinks, 'and it doesn't hurt me.' + +She sleeps, eats, drinks, dresses, rides, drives, dances, smokes, talks, +laughs, and throws her money out of every window from the garret to the +cellar. + +People enjoy her society because she is cheerful and gay, a bright +conversationalist, generally pretty, always elegant and fashionable, +and most exquisitely dressed. She is unconventional, and the men like +her for it; she seldom indulges in silly gossip, and the women are +grateful to her for it. In fact, she is popular with men and women +alike, because neither of them has anything to fear from her. The hearts +of men and the reputations of women are safe in her hands; she does no +damage to either. + +Most people think that this type of woman is the happiest. As a girl, +yes, perhaps; but not after twenty-five. The woman 'jolly fellow' very +often makes all that noise in order to shake off her thoughts. If her +heart is unable to speak and unable to hear, the reason often is that it +is dead. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +THE WOMAN 'GOSSIP' + + +Men and women who retail slander, whether it has any foundation or not, +ought to be unmercifully boycotted by all decent people; and, to be +just, I will say that there is as much gossip, and of the worst kind, +too, going on in men's club smoking-rooms as there is at afternoon +tea-gatherings. Great, though scarce, is the woman who can keep other +people's secrets as safely as her own. And how watchful women should be, +and constantly be on their guard, always mindful that not more than one +man out of ten can keep a secret. I mean _his own_. + +There are many women who gossip and retail scandal, not out of +wickedness or with the intention of hurting anyone, but for the mere +sake of being entertaining at the dinner-table or round the tea-tray. +When she makes her appearance people welcome her, and say: 'Oh, here is +Mrs. A----; she is so amusing; we'll hear some good story.' Knowing that +she has a reputation to sustain, she prepares her stories before +starting on her visits, and gives them an artistic and piquant finishing +touch that will make them go down successfully. Being fairly +good-hearted, she begins by warning you that she is only repeating what +is 'going on,' and 'does not know for certain.' She only wishes to be +amusing and entertaining, you understand, and does not mean to do injury +to any woman. Oh dear, no! she is a bit of an actress in an amateurish +sort of way, and if she exaggerates she asks you to put it down to the +account of Art. As long as people are entertained by gossip there will +be people to gossip for their benefit. Now, men and women who repeat +scandal which is true do harm enough, goodness knows, but the most +dangerous ones are those who repeat what they have heard, which gossip +will be repeated and 'improved' until it gets to gigantic proportions. + +Slander generally takes refuge behind such platitude as, 'Of course, I +have not seen it; I only repeat what I have heard.' + +Who says those things?--Why, everybody. + +Everybody?--Everybody; that's enough. + +Please mention a name.--Well, I am afraid I can't. + +But where have you heard such a thing?--Everywhere. + +Can't you be precise? Is it in a private house?--I forget. + +In a restaurant?--I don't know. + +At a café? At a club? Perhaps in a theatre?--Yes, I think it was in a +theatre. + +What a cure--temporary, at least, if not to last for ever--to look the +'gossip,' man or woman, straight in the face, and say: 'Scandal-mongers +are the most despicable parasites and scoundrels of society!' and you +may be sure that, at least, is a statement which the 'gossip' will not +repeat. + +There is a law of libel practically in every civilized country to +protect people against having their character stained at the will and +for the pleasure of their fellow-creatures, but for the life of me I +cannot see why libel should be libel, and thus punishable by law, only +when it is published in a newspaper or written on a postcard. The worst +libel, the one that does most injury, is the one that goes from house to +house by word of mouth. To say a libellous thing is quite as bad as to +write it down; it is even worse, because what is written often escapes +notice, and the law should reach the libeller whether he has committed +the offence with his mouth or with his pen. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT + + +We all of us have heard of people falling madly in love at first sight, +men especially. No doubt there are men who are exceedingly susceptible, +passionate, artistic, and ardent natures, who may take a violent fancy +for a woman on seeing her for the first time; but I decline to call such +a fancy love, and woe to the woman who marries such a man, for there is +no guarantee for her that he will not many times again take such violent +fancies for other women; indeed, there is every probability that he +will. + +I would always advise a woman, or at all events always wish her, to +marry a lover and admirer of her sex, but a man who madly falls in love +with women at first sight, never. There is no steadiness in that man, no +solidity, no reliability, no possible fidelity in him. He is erratic and +unmanly. He may be a good poet, a talented artist, a very good actor, +but certainly he will never be a good husband, not even a decent one. + +There are women who are proud to say that they inspired ardent love at +first sight. They should not be proud of it, for it is only the love of +a reflecting, lofty man that should make a woman proud. Men may feel +immediate admiration for a woman. + +In the presence of certain beautiful women I have felt ready to fall +into ecstasies of admiration, as I have in the presence of Niagara +Falls, Vesuvius in eruption, the Venus of Milo, or any other grand +masterpiece of nature and art; but I have never felt that I could, or +must, right away implore them to marry me or let me die at their feet. +To fall in love at first sight is a great proof of weakness of mind, of +utter absence of self-control, and of wretched unmanliness. I believe I +may affirm, without the fear of contradiction, that love at first sight +has never proved to be love of long duration. + +How can we imagine that a solid affection can be the result of a caprice +felt for a person whom you had never seen before, and of whose character +you are absolutely ignorant? In certain cases affection may follow a +first impression, but only when she can inspire as much affection by her +merit as she could produce a good impression by her charms. Only in this +case can love become sincere and profound. To form at once a charming +impression of a woman is not to fall madly in love with her. + +How much preferable is that love gradually increasing through the better +knowledge of the beloved one! It is no longer an ephemeral fancy, but a +solid affection. In order to love well and truly, you must know well and +thoroughly. There must be between people in love that blind confidence, +that complete _abandon_, which can only be born of the sweet habit to +constantly see each other and to understand each other better and better +every day. With such love you can brave all obstacles, but with a +caprice it vanishes at the first violent storm. + +Sincere, serious love is never love at first sight. When one look--and +the first one, too--binds a man and a woman, you may be sure that one +single word will soon be sufficient to unbind them. Lasting love comes +slowly, progressively. Heart alone has never been particularly +successful unless in partnership with that sober and wise counsellor +that is called Reason. No love is placed on a solid basis which is not +governed by reason as well as by the heart. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +THE EMANCIPATION OF WOMEN + + +I have just digested a most interesting book by M. Novicow, entitled +'L'Affranchisement de la Femme.' This is a very serious subject, and I +feel sure that I need not apologize for treating it with all the +earnestness of which I am capable. + +In a society organized in conformity with the nature of things, woman +will be brought up, from infancy, with the same object in view as +man--that is to say, in order to learn how to live by her work. And so +it should be, since work is the universal law of biology. Every living +creature, from the invisible microbe to the most powerful animal, works +unceasingly to assure its existence. Work being the law of Nature, to +remain idle is to resist that law and to be immoral. + +Woman must become an independent economic unity. There is nothing +revolutionary in this; on the contrary, it is a most conservative idea. +The leisure class does not represent one-thousandth part of society, and +999 out of every 1,000 women have, or should have, to work to support +themselves or help to support their families. + +From time immemorial women have worked in families, in manufactures, +offices, in the fields, either as mistresses of houses, as helps, or as +servants. + +If woman has to be recognised as an independent economic unity, her +education should enable her to earn her living, and, whether she gets +married or not, she ought always to be ready to support herself without +the help of man. Knowledge of every description should be placed at her +disposal by the State, as well as at the disposal of man. + +This is not all. Not only should she receive an education enabling her +to make a livelihood, but also one enabling her to direct her steps in +life in the right direction. She should be told the mysteries of life, +and the rôle she is called upon to play in life. In our times the ideal +young girl is the one who knows nothing. This ideal is absolutely false, +and creates the greatest source of danger in existence that stares women +in the face. This ideal was created by the monstrous selfishness of man, +who reserved to himself the satisfaction, the pleasure (only a rake's +pleasure) of teaching her in one moment what, little by little, without +shock, she should learn without astonishment. + +It is innocence that disarms women and hands them over, defenceless, to +the most odious and revolting attempts to corrupt them. When we suppose +nowadays that a girl knows too much of the mysteries of love, we think +she is depraved; but degradation does not come from the knowledge of +certain things--it comes from the mysterious and unhealthy way in which +that knowledge is sometimes imparted. + +If she were told openly, in full daylight, all she should know of the +rôle Nature has given her to play, she would not be depraved. + +When a young girl shall have received from a rational society an +education that will enable her to live independently by her work, and to +behave to the best of interests, what will she do? + +Well, she will do exactly what men do. The rich ones will manage their +own fortune, and will engage in pursuits, civil, political, and +intellectual. They will embrace professions, be writers, lawyers, +artists, doctors, professors, and so on. All the careers will be open to +them. In humbler stations of life, she will be clerk, shop-woman, +work-woman, servant, labourer, etc. In fact, no woman will be prevented +from entering a career for which she has aptitude, and, by so doing, no +intellectual force will be lost to society. + +For instance, we have lately heard, in Europe, of a young American girl +passing a brilliant examination for naval engineering, who presented the +model of a ship far superior to anything known up to date. With the new +system a woman will not be prevented from building ships for the State +because she is a woman. This will not only be justice to woman, but +justice to society, which has a right to benefit by the genius of all +its members, whether they be men or women. + +Now let us examine what will become of society if all these +transformations take place. When all the liberal professions and +political functions are exercised by men and women alike, women will be +members of Parliament, of chambers of commerce, of literary and +scientific academies, and will sit by the side of men, as, in America, +at schools and colleges, girls sit by the side of boys. On this account +America will be the first country to get quickly reconciled to the new +state of things. + +The activity of women will be as indispensable to nations and their +success as that of men. But I see other consequences. Women being no +longer dependent on men, people will be no more concerned about the +private life of an unmarried man. A woman who has committed +indiscretions will not be called a woman with a past, but, may be, one +with experience. + +It is even just possible that men will feel more flattered to be chosen +by them. They will repeat the word of Balzac, that a woman loves any +first man who makes love to her, and that there is nothing in this to +make a man feel proud; and Alphonse Karr goes as far as Ninon de Lenclos +when he says that the only love that a man may feel proud of is that of +a 'woman of experience.' + +Another thing, and a very important point. Woman, in this future system, +will be so busy with her occupations as a bread-winner that she will +have very little time to devote to love. + +'Woman lives by love and for love' will be thought an absurdity. She +will come across love in her way through life. She will stop or pass on, +according to her fancy, just as man does at present. She will not be +taught early that woman was born to be a mother, and that she has +constantly to keep her artillery in good order so as to bring down a +man. + +For that matter, it is just possible that, in those days, it will be +women who will propose to men. I should not regret to see it for the +sake of the happiness of mankind, because I maintain that woman is a far +keener individual than man, and that a woman is much better able to +choose the right husband than a man the right wife. + +Of course, the frivolous woman, the doll, will have ceased to exist, and +the woman will cease to be considered what she is in Turkey and Persia, +an instrument of pleasure. + +The author assures us that when his system is put into practice, it will +work so well that society will discover that it has reached a climax, +the advent of happy and perfect civilization. + + * * * * * + +Well, if it does, all I can say is that what consoles me for getting old +is the thought that I shall not be there to see it. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +SHALL LOVE BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY? + + +This momentous question has been asked, and is daily answered, in a +Paris paper called _La Fronde_, on the staff of which all the writers +are women. This is a very delicate question to ask, and I am not sure +that it is particularly politic to do so on the part of women. + +That women take love more seriously than men is a fact which, I believe, +is incontestable; but what would become of women if men were to decide +in the negative and answer that love should not be taken seriously? + +Their only protection, their only weapon would be taken away from them. +See what happens in countries, not civilized, I must quickly add, where +men do not take love seriously. + +In these countries there is practically no difference between a woman +and a slave, and even a beast of burden. The Arab, the Kaffir, the Zulu, +the Soudanese, can be seen on horseback, or walking majestically with a +blanket slung over his shoulder, while his womankind are following, +carrying a baby on their backs, a pail of water or a cask of beer on +their heads, and the rest of the burden in their hands. + +These primitive creatures find all this quite natural, men as well as +women, and their greatest source of amusement is to see a white man +carry his wife's umbrella. How they pity and scorn that poor white man! + + * * * + +They look at him, and seem to say: 'Aren't you a man?' The more these +men treat their women as inferior beings, the more highly the women +think of the men, and the more respect they feel for them. And we would +probably do the same if love, which we men do take seriously, did not +subject, and even enslave, us to women. + +Indeed, this would be our right--our Divine right--and women, I repeat, +are very impolitic to compel us to remind them of what happened at the +beginning. + +We men have a Divine right to rule over women, and if we use that power +given to us only with the greatest moderation, it is because we love +women seriously. + +This love for you, ladies, is your only safeguard. See how imprudent of +you it is to come and ask us if we take love seriously. + +Not only do we take love seriously, but I believe that there is nothing +else in this world that is taken so seriously. + +Love is the only universally serious thing in the world. Ask scientists +what they think of actors. They will tell you that there is no such +despicable profession in the world. Yet actors--and rightly, too--take +their art seriously. + +Literature and music appear to those who cultivate them the most +absolutely serious things in existence, yet men of business, whose chief +object in life is money-making, shrug their shoulders, and feel ready to +say, like a London Lord Mayor to his son, who wanted to devote his life +to literature: 'I will be very much obliged to you if you will decide on +choosing an honest and respectable calling.' + +What is serious to some is not to others. There is nothing in this world +which is universally serious--that is to say, recognised as serious by +all the civilized members of the human race, except bread and love. + +The mission of man is to keep it alive with bread, and we perpetuate it +with love. When we have eaten and when we have loved, we have fulfilled +our mission. All the rest is accessory, and only more or less serious. + +Poets and artists, who help make life beautiful, are not indispensable; +they are not serious. Scientists, who make great discoveries, help make +life more comfortable; they protect us against disease; they drug us; +they cure us, but they are not indispensable--the world would go on +without them; they are not serious. + + * * * + +Only as long as there is bread and there is love will the world go on +and the earth continue to be inhabited by the human race; bread and love +are serious. + +I fear that I may have offended many people who think that they are +indispensable and that their vocation is serious. Well, I am very +sorry--very sorry indeed--but I cannot help it. The world was made thus, +and when it was made I was not consulted. + +Put aside a few men and women, most of them to be found in the leisure +class or among the parasites of society, for whom love is a pastime, and +you will find that love is taken very seriously by men, if not quite in +the same way as it is taken by women, who are more delicate and refined +psychologists than men generally are. + +But, my dear ladies, as long as we men are only too proud and happy to +fight the battle of life for you, to live for you, and, when occasion +arises, sometimes die for you, please thank the progress of +civilization, which has made us forget the origin of our relations +toward each other; do not give us reasons for reminding you of it, and, +for Heaven's sake! when we have spent years working twelve hours a day, +providing you with all the comforts, and often the luxuries, of life, +reared and settled in the world a large family of boys and girls, do not +come and ask us if we take love seriously. You are adding insult to +injury. Yes, indeed, we take love seriously, and matrimony too. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +ARE MEN FAIR TO WOMEN? + + +'You are often writing about women,' fair correspondents keep writing to +me, 'sometimes praising them, often criticising them. Couldn't you now +and then tell us something of what you think of men, especially in their +relations with women? We know you to be fair, sometimes generous, always +good-humoured. Now, do have a try.' + +The invitation is tempting and intended to be pleasant, and I yield to +it, not only without any reluctance, but with a good deal of pleasure. + +To plunge _in medias res_, Are men fair to women? The laws, which are +made by men, the usages--everything is calculated to cause men to reduce +to a minimum the qualities, the intelligence, and the influence of +women. + +For instance, let a woman make a reputation in art or literature, and +men begin to smile and shrug their shoulders: they dispute her talent. + +I maintain, without much fear of contradiction, that a woman, in order +to succeed in a profession, must have ten times more talent than a man, +inasmuch as a man will have friends and comrades to help him, and a +woman only difficulties put in her way by man to surmount. + +Man receives encouragements from all sides. If he is successful, he even +knows that his talent will receive official recognition. In France he +may become a member of the French Academy; in England, of the Royal +Academy. Orders will be given him by rich patrons, and 'orders' +conferred on him by sovereigns and statesmen. + +Why should not women get all this? Why, simply because man, being both +'verdict' and 'execution,' has kept everything for himself. Personally, +I have no great liking for female genius--to my prejudiced mind a female +genius is a freak; but what I like or do not like is quite out of the +question. Here I state facts, and why women should not have as much +chance to prove their genius as men I should like to know. + +Everybody knows that the famous School of Alexandria, in the fifth +century, had as orators and teachers the greatest philosophers and +theologians of the time, such men as St. Jerome, St. Cyril, etc. + +Among these sublime intellects rose a young girl, twenty years old, +pure, radiantly beautiful, who modestly said to them: + +'Please make room for me--hear me. I want my place in the glorious sun.' + +She ascended the famous chair and began to explain before an +enthusiastic crowd the works of Plato and Aristotle. Her talent, her +learning, her eloquence astonished the people who thronged to hear young +and fair Hypatia, daughter of Theo. + +Now, do you believe that all those learned, bearded philosophers and +theologians encouraged her, applauded her? No. History tells us they lay +in wait in a street where she used to pass, and when she appeared in her +chariot, resplendent with youth, beauty, and glory, acclaimed by the +crowd, they--St. Cyril and his companions--seized her, killed her, cut +her body in hundreds of pieces, which they threw to the four winds of +the earth. + +Now, modern Hypatias are not treated quite so roughly by men, who +content themselves with turning them to ridicule, although I have heard +of some who did not hesitate in disposing of successful women's +reputations as the learned doctors of Alexandria disposed of the body of +Hypatia. + +Women, perhaps unfortunately, cannot all be intended to be mothers, or +spend their lives mending socks and attending to spring house-cleaning. +Such women, who have received a high education, may not feel inclined to +be shop-girls, ladies'-maids, or cooks. If they feel that they have +talent, and can paint or write successfully, every man ought to give +them a helping hand. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + +A PLEA FOR THE WORKING WOMAN + + +'There are too many men in the world,' once exclaimed H. Taine. This +was only a joke, but there is a great deal of truth in it. There are, +in France especially, far too many men engaged in official Government +offices, in professional occupations, and in stores; too many doctors +without patients; too many lawyers without briefs; too many +functionaries, each doing little or nothing, and the others seeing that +he does it; too many men in stores showing women dresses, silks, and +gloves. + +And the woman hater exclaimed: 'No wonder men cannot find a living to +make; all the occupations that once were filled by men are now +monopolized by women. The hearth is deserted, the street crowded--that's +the triumph of modern feminism.' + +On the other hand some feminists, more royalist than the King, exclaim: +'Woman should be kept in clover, the protégée of humanity, and never be +allowed to work.' + +And, taken between two fires, poor women are ready to shout at the top +of their voices, 'Save us from our friends as well as from our enemies!' +It is a fact that at a recent congress of Socialists an orator declared +himself in favour of the suppression of work for women. + +But women do want to work, and many of them married, too. If what +husbands earn is not enough to maintain the family or keep it in +comfort, they are partners, and they wish to contribute to the revenue. + +If they are not married, they want to support themselves or help to keep +aged parents. Many of them prefer their independence to matrimony, which +not uncommonly turns out to be about the hardest way for a woman to get +a living. + +Women have a right to work as they have a right to live, and every work +which is suitable for women should be open to them. And when I see +Lancashire make girls work in the coal-mines I may ask, 'What work is +there that women cannot do?' + +God forbid that I should be in favour of women working in the mines, but +this is not necessary. There are so many men who do a kind of work that +women should do, and could do just as well, if not better, that there +should be no question of any kind of work done by women which men could +do better. + +The earth was meant to keep her children, and she would if everybody, +man or woman, was in his or her right place. The supply is all there and +all right, but it is its distribution which is all wrong. The same may +be said of work. + +There should be in this world work for all and bread for all, men or +women, only the poor inhabitants of this globe have not yet been able to +obtain a proper division of the goods which they have inherited from +nature. + +Thanks to the discoveries of science and the openings of new markets, +opportunities for work increase every day, but men and women are like +children in a room full of toys--they all make a rush for those which +tempt them most, and fight and die in order to obtain them. In the +presence of all the careers open to them, they rush toward the most easy +to follow or the most brilliant. + +Agriculture is forsaken by men who prefer swaggering in towns with +top-hats and frock-coats, instead of imitating in their own country the +virile, valiant men of the new worlds who fell forests, reclaim the +land, and are the advanced pioneers of civilization. They prefer being +clerks or shop assistants. + +Instead of taking a pickaxe, working a piece of land and making it their +own, they prefer taking a pen and adding from 9 a.m. till 5 or 6 p.m. +pounds and shillings which do not belong to them. The result is that +they overcrowd the cities, and women can often obtain no work except on +condition that they accept it for a smaller remuneration than would be +offered to men, or, in other words, submit to being sweated. + +Is it a manly occupation to be assistant in a draper's store, to be a +hairdresser, copyist, to make women's dresses, hats, corsets? When I see +in dry goods stores a great big man over six feet high measure ribbons +or lace, instead of tilling the soil or doing any other kind of manly +work, I want to say to him, 'Aren't you a man?' + +Europe is full of men doing such work. I know America is not, although I +have many times seen in the United States positions filled by men which +would be filled equally well by women, and often better. + +Many writers maintain that woman was intended to tread on a path of +roses, to be tended, petted--I may have been myself guilty of holding +views somewhat in this direction--but women are not all born in +'society'; millionaires are very few, and people whom you may call rich +form after all but a very small minority in the whole community. The +path of roses can only exist for the very few, and, besides, there are +women whose aim in life is not to be petted. In fact, some absolutely +object to being petted. + +I tell you the time is coming, and coming at giant strides, when every +child--boy or girl--will be made early to choose the kind of work he or +she best feels ready to undertake to make a living. The time is coming +when no poverty will stare in the face the woman who can and is willing +to work. + +Maybe the time is coming when a woman who bravely earns a good living +will be considered not only most respectable--she is that now--but will +be envied for her 'social standard' by the frivolous, useless women who, +from morning to night, yawn and wonder how they could invent anything to +make them spend an hour usefully for their good or the good of their +fellow-creatures. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + +A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION + + +The women's-righters are so often accused, and justly, too, of trying to +disturb the equilibrium of happiness in family life, that they should +immediately be praised when they do something likely to establish it on +a firmer basis. + +In Paris they have just succeeded in starting, under the best and +happiest auspices, schools where girls will be taught how to bring up +babies and how to keep house. When it is considered that, out of about a +million children which are born annually, over 260,000 die before the +age of five, it calls for the utmost care in the watchfulness and habits +of parents with regard to young children. + +Of all European countries, it is perhaps in France that mortality among +babies is largest. France is being depopulated, or at least is not +increasing her population. Enough children are born, but not enough are +brought to grown-up age. This problem, over the solution of which our +legislators are very anxious, is vital to France. It will not be solved +by laws enacted, congresses held, and leagues founded. It will be +solved by a reform in the manners and habits of the people, by making +marriage easier, by marrying for love more often, and by teaching French +women that the first duty of a mother is to raise her children herself, +and the second to know how to do it. This new school, just established +in France, will help in the right direction. + +The teaching of household duties will also tend to make marriages +happier by enabling wives to be more clever and economical. If we +consider that in England and France, which each has a population of +about 40,000,000, only about 100,000 men in each country have an income +of more than £500 a year, it will soon be clear that the great problem +of happiness can only be solved by the good management of wives. + +Girls will be taught family hygiene, domestic economy, and the art of +cooking, including that of utilizing the remnants of a previous meal. +They will be taught how to 'shop' intelligently; that is to say, to +distinguish good material from shoddy, and thus obtain the worth of +their money. They will, I hope, also be taught how to make a bargain, a +talent which I must say is practically inborn in every French woman of +the middle and lower classes. No woman in the world knows as she does +how to bring down the price of things to what she wants it to be, in +Paris especially. + +Perhaps they will advise her to do what I would advise every visitor to +Italy. I take it that you do not speak Italian. Never mind that; three +words will serve your purpose perfectly. When you are in an Italian +shop and you ask the price of an article you wish to buy, say to the man +'_Quanto_?' (how much?); as soon as he has named it, say '_Troppo_' (too +much). Then he will say something else. Just remark '_Mezzo_' (half +that), and then pay, and you will find that the shopkeeper has still 40 +or 50 per cent. profit. + +When I consider that women's-righters, as a rule, complain bitterly of +men for being of opinion that the only thing which young girls should +think about is to prepare to become one day good wives and mothers, I +believe that great credit should be given to them for having had the +idea of starting schools where young girls will be taught all the duties +of attentive mothers and economical wives. + + * * * + +I had the privilege of being present at one lecture on the training of +children, and among all the good things which I heard on the occasion I +will quote the following, which may be of great use, even to my English +readers. + +1. Never threaten children with punishments you may not be able or feel +inclined to carry out. Don't let your 'yea' mean 'nay,' nor your 'nay' +'yea.' You must never be fickle or wavering in your dealing with them, +but always firm, just, and reliable, though kind and indulgent. Don't +punish them, and then regret it, and afterwards fondle them as if to ask +for their pardon. If you do, you will run the risk of having your child +say to you: 'Ah, you see, mamma, you are sorry for what you have done. +Instead of scolding me, I think you ought to thank God for giving me to +you!' + +2. Don't make mountains of molehills, or be constantly down upon +children for little breaches of every-day discipline; don't be fidgety +and fussy. Never offer them a piece of candy, a bun, or an orange as a +reward for virtues, or as a bribe to cease being naughty. + +Then came a few pieces of advice of a higher order, and which I thought +were sound in their philosophy. Among these I cull the following: + +1. Do not expect your children to become a joy to you in your old age if +you have failed to be a joy to them in their early life and training. Do +not expect them to support you when you are old. You had a fair start of +them in life, and you should be able to provide for yourselves. They +will very likely have families of their own. Children are often sadly +thrown back through having to look after parents who, had they taken +time by the forelock, would have been able to look after themselves, and +to have given their children a nudge onward into the bargain. For that +matter, never have to be grateful to your children, except for the +happiness they may procure you by their affection and the successes +which they meet with in life, thanks to the education, money, advice, +and what not which you may have given to them. + +2. Don't let your vanity cheat you into the belief that your children +are wonders and exceptional phenomena, and that Nature's ordinary rules +are not applicable to them. + +In the nursery lecture on baby culture I retained two or three pieces of +advice which seemed to me remarkably good, although my ignorance would +not have enabled me to give them. Young mothers, please listen: + + 1. Don't squeeze your baby's head. + + 2. Never allow your child to go to bed in a bad temper. + + 3. Never encourage it to gaze into the fire, and never tell it + ghost stories, at night especially. + + 4. Do not allow a rocking-horse before the age of five. + + 5. Never startle a child by sudden shrieks or any other noises. + + 6. In fact, quiet and diet will be the making of a child strong + in mind and body. + +I could fill several pages of this book with all the good things I heard +on the occasion of my visit to that useful school. + +Maybe, one day such schools will be started in other countries. I +recommend this to the women's-righters of the United States. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + +THE WORST FEATURE OF WOMEN AS A SEX + + +Only a few days ago, while calling on a lady of my acquaintance, the +conversation fell on a lady singer whom the public admired and applauded +for many years, and whose private character made her also a great +favourite in society. She left the operatic stage a good many years ago, +and went on the concert platform under the management of her husband, +who was a well-known _impresario_. One day her voice failed her, and so +did her husband, who, realizing there was no more money in his wife, +thought that the best thing he could do now was to leave her. With this, +however, he was not satisfied. A so-called London society paper, having +published a paragraph to the effect that he had left his wife without +any provision, this unspeakable cur wrote to all the papers denying that +he had ever been married to that beautiful woman, who for years had +loved him, who had not only been faithful to him and devoted to him, but +had entirely supported him. + +People in England were so indignant that I remember the man had +immediately to leave all the clubs he was associated with, and that +the beautiful and talented woman, who had been so shamefully deceived, +inspired such keen sympathy that she was more than ever sought in +society, where her reputation was so firmly established that the letters +written to the papers could not put a stain on her character. In spite +of my reminding my lady friend of all the incidents of the case, the +only sympathy I could extract from her was the following remark, 'She +should have expected all this,' almost to the tune of, 'She only got +what she deserved.' Then, starting to philosophize, she added: 'A woman +should know that the man who wickedly wrongs her does not mean to marry +her; and if a woman will live with a man without being his wife, she +must be prepared to bear the consequences of her folly, and to be one +day left in the lurch.' + +'But,' I rejoined, 'do you mean to tell me that a woman who, purely out +of love, devotes her life to a man, has not a right to expect that man +to devote his life to her, to protect her, to make her future safe, and +all the more so because they are not married? I am afraid that what +makes those acts of desertion so frequent is the leniency shown by +society towards them, and the supreme contempt which women who are +legally married have for those who are not, and who are just as +respectable as they are, and very often a good deal more so.' + +I am in business with many people who always had such confidence in me, +and I such confidence in them, that there were never any contracts +signed between us, and I do not think they are more afraid of my +breaking my engagements with them, because they have not my signature, +than I am of their breaking their promise to me, because I have in my +hands no contract duly signed, stamped, and witnessed. + +Men who deceive men, who break with them contracts made only by word, +are ostracized from society. Why should men who deceive women be +received by it with open arms? + +There are men of honour in the world, thank Heaven! and if men are +expected to act honourably towards their fellow-men, can you explain to +me why women should be found who think it quite natural that these same +men should not behave honourably, not even decently, towards women who +have placed their trust in them to the extent of not exacting their +signature on a contract? + +The worst feature of women as a sex is the absence of free-masonry among +them. They stick together only for the redress of more or less imaginary +grievances; perhaps the only one really momentous to their sex--I mean +the desertion of trusting women by treacherous men--scarcely appeals to +them. The woman who has fallen through love and confidence will get no +sympathy from women, not even from the one who should give it to her--I +mean the one who has given herself to a man, not because she loved him, +but because he offered her money and matrimony. + +Women who have in hand a contract of marriage signed, stamped, and +witnessed, are so inexorable towards their sex that they will--I am +ashamed to say it for them--rather take the part of men betrayers than +that of poor women betrayed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + +IS HOMOEOPATHY A CURE FOR LOVE? + + +Since the publication of 'Her Royal Highness Woman' and 'Between +Ourselves,' some people, I am afraid, have somehow been under the +impression that I keep open a sort of Dr. Cupid's office, in which I +hold consultations on questions referring to love and matrimony; and I +have received many letters--far too many to answer--in which fair +correspondents in trouble have written for advice. + +Only quite recently I received a letter from a lady, who writes: 'I am +madly in love with a man whom I cannot marry, but whom I have to see on +business almost every day; what should I do to be cured? Should I marry +another man who is now seeking my hand, who can offer me a very good +position, but whom I do not love?' + +Now, here is a problem if you like: Can matrimony be administered as an +antidote? If so, in what doses? + +To tell you the truth, I rather believe in homoeopathy--that is to +say, in the cure of the like by the like. You want to be cured of your +love for a man--why, love another; it is as simple as possible. Yes, +but the lady tells me she cannot love that other, yet she seems +inclined to 'swallow' him as an antidote. At any rate, she suggests that +she might do so, and I suppose she wants me to tell her whether she is +likely to be successful, if the cure will be effective and lasting. + +Of course, there is more chance of happiness in a marriage which is +contracted between a man who loves a woman and a woman who does not love +him than in one contracted between a woman who loves a man and a man who +does not love her. Under the circumstances, a man, after entering +matrimonial life, is much more likely to win his wife's love than a +woman her husband's. I believe this to be so true as to be almost taken +for granted. + +But, my dear lady correspondent, are you going to tell that man honestly +on what terms you are going to marry him? Are you going to trust to his +intelligence, his tact, his love, his devotion, to win your affections? +And are you going to do your utmost to help him? Surely you are not +going to deceive him, let him think you love him, and prepare for him +and for yourself a life of misery and wretchedness, and thus build your +married life on contempt and deceit, which will lead you to hate your +husband. + +But enough of awful suppositions, for, between you and me, I can declare +that your case is much more hopeful than you think. The disease from +which you suffer--or, rather, from which you imagine that you +suffer--is quite curable, and is cured every day without having to +resort to such extreme measures as you suggest, for, dear lady, do you +not say to me that you love that man 'madly'? + +Fireworks, shells, volcanic eruptions, and mad love have this in common: +they may do harm, cause suffering, but they last a short time only. And, +pray, why do you see the man on business every day? Is he your +confessor, your doctor, your music-teacher, your dancing-master? Has a +royal escapade of recent date, like a 'penny dreadful,' created a +disturbance in your otherwise well-balanced mind? + +And why can't you marry him? Oh, I see, he is married already. + +Now, are you aware that we never fall in love madly except with people +whom we cannot marry? You say you did not know that. I tell you you have +no idea how simple your case is, and how common. + +By the way, would not, perchance, that man be the 'juvenile lead' who +acts in the romantic drama which is being played every day in your city? +Oh, you matinee girl! Are you aware that matinee girls invariably love +madly? Yes, as madly and as idiotically as do in the play the heroes +whom they worship. + +Now, do not take tragically, or even seriously, such little clouds as +'mad love.' Do not use big words for very little things. Mad love is the +easiest love to cure. Change your doctor or your dancing-master, or--if +I have otherwise guessed right--patronize another theatre. Go and see +'Hamlet'--that will cure you of 'Romeo.' + +Then look more carefully at that very sensible man who offers you +marriage and a good position, and if you realize that you can make him +happy, and you are sure you are not madly in love with him, marry him. +And if you study him very closely and discover in him qualities and +attainments that may lead you to fall in love with him madly, don't tell +him: he might believe you. + +Men are so silly! + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + +DOMESTIC TYRANTS AND THEIR POOR WIVES + + +The domestic tyrant has redeeming features. As a rule he does not beat +his wife. + +He feeds her well, clothes her decently, and is faithful to her. When +she is ill he sends for the doctor, and does not grumble unless her +convalescence should last too long. He does not want her to die, because +she consents to be his housekeeper without wages and allows him to get +out of her all the work that can possibly be extracted from one being +who does not claim the protection of the 'eight-hour' law. + +He has enough self-control to resist the temptation of insulting her. He +treats her coolly, patronizingly, and keeps her at a respectful +distance, lest she should take liberties with him. + +He is dull, solemn, conceited and selfish. When he joins the family +circle, wife and children have to be busy and silent, the only noise +allowed being the rustling of the newspaper he reads. He takes the lamp, +the only one on the table, and places it just behind his shoulder, so as +to light his paper well. His wife--poor cat! who has to see in the +dark--goes on with her sewing as best she can. The children remain +motionless and speechless until it is time to go to bed. Then they +smile, say good-night, and run away like culprits. + +When he goes out the children speak above a whisper, and the women of +the family breathe and express an opinion among themselves, an act of +audacity which they would never think of indulging in in his presence; +and life goes merrily until someone, with a face a yard long, rushes in +and announces 'Father is coming!' The domestic tyrant is invariably +called 'Father' by the wife as well as by the children, and the word is +spelt with a capital 'F,' and the 'a' is sounded as if there were a +dozen French circumflex accents on the top of it. + +The domestic tyrant is neither a lazy man nor a drunkard, nor anything +that is bad. On the contrary, he is a moral man. As a rule he does not +even smoke, and that is what makes him so powerful against reproach. +What can you say to a man who is steady, sober, intelligent, +hard-working, stingy perhaps, but asks forgiveness for that on the plea +that he has a large family to secure the future of? Outside of his house +he has a very good reputation; he is invariably called a good husband +and a good father. He invariably speaks well of his wife. Before +strangers, before friends and relatives, in her very presence, he will +sing her praises and extol her virtues, and will constantly repeat that +for industry he does not know a woman who could compete with her. That +is the way he encourages her in the path of duty. The domestic tyrant +is particularly great on duty, and when he and his wife are alone, and +there is nobody else to hear him, he tells her that he fulfils his +duties, and that surely he can expect 'females' to perform theirs. For +him, women are 'females.' His wife alone can tell you what he really is, +and on the subject this is the information you will receive from her: + +'I have to be his slave for twenty-four hours a day, work for him, +humour him, and, most especially, I must never complain of being ill, +or even mention that I am tired. I have never had from him a word of +pity, of condolence, or even of sympathy. I have never received +encouragements. I have never heard a word of praise from his lips. + +'On the other hand, it takes very little to discourage him and make him +lose his high spirits. If anything has gone wrong with his business +during the day, he comes home frowning, snarling, quarrelsome, looking +for more trouble and grievances. He does not use me as a consoling +companion in the hour of misfortune or as a comforter in moments of +annoyance. No; he looks upon me as a target at which he can aim all his +bitterness.' + +And she will tell you much more than that. She will probably tell you +that the larger the family gets, the more he is pleased, because it +gives her less and less chance of finding time to leave her home. + +He goes out when he likes, where he likes, and would never think of +asking her, 'Won't you come along?' You never see them out together. +Poor thing! life would be tolerable to her if they were never in +together. + +It would never enter the domestic tyrant's mind to ask his wife if she +is able to do her work alone, whether he can help her in this or that, +or simply inquire, in a sympathetic manner, whether she doesn't feel +tired after her day's work. + +If he should hear complaints from her he has a beautiful phrase ready +for an answer: 'What did my mother do? What did your mother do? I am +sure you are not worse off than they were.' + +This moral man, the domestic tyrant, is not uncommonly dyspeptic, and +bad digestion has been the cause of more unhappy marriages than all the +immorality of the world put together. + + + + +PART II + +RAMBLES IN MATRIMONY + + + + +CHAPTER I + +ADVICE TO YOUNG MARRIED PEOPLE + + +The great art, the great science of happiness, in matrimony especially, +is never to expect of life more than it can give. Therefore, prepare +your nest in such a way that the provisions will not be exhausted in a +few weeks. From the very beginning, put on the brake, or the car will go +too fast, and will get smashed. + + * * * * * + +Economize your caresses, rule your passions so as never to make more +promises than you can keep. You cannot always work unless now and then +you take a rest, a holiday; neither can you always love unless you +proceed quietly and occasionally take a holiday. Be sure that a holiday +is as necessary to make you enjoy blissful times as it is to make you +endure hard ones. + + * * * * * + +Do not for a moment believe that happiness in matrimony can go on for +ever and ever without calculation, without a great display of diplomacy +on the part of both husband and wife. Avoid being too constantly the +lover of your wife, because the lover-husband is such a revelation to a +woman that when the day arrives--the fatal day!--on which the husband +remains alone and the lover has ceased to exist, your wife will forget +everything you may have done for her: your constant attentions, your +assiduity to your profession or business, your forethought for her +future and that for her children--all that will count for nothing when +she realizes that the lover is gone. + + * * * * * + +Never allow a third person to interfere with your private affairs. Never +confide your little troubles and grievances to anybody. Beware of the +advising lady who would say to you: 'If I were in your place, I would +not allow him to do this or to do that.' First of all, she is not in +your place; secondly, she cannot be in your place, because she is +neither in your heart nor in that of your husband. + + * * * * * + +You are the best judge--in fact, you are the only judge--of what is best +for you to do in the presence of the many little difficulties that arise +in married life. Whether you are happy or unhappy, keep the secrets of +your married life to yourself; neither your happiness nor your +misfortune will cause you to increase the number of your friends. +Indeed, if you are perfectly happy, it is only by remaining silent +about it that you will get people to forgive you your happiness. + + * * * * * + +Accept a life of abnegation and devotion. There is in devotion a bliss +which is unsurpassed. Devotion is perhaps the most refined and lofty +form of selfishness; it raises you so much in your own estimation! It +enslaves so surely the hearts of those whom you love! Devotion is not a +sacrifice; it is a halo. + + * * * * * + +If I were a woman, I would give all the pleasures of life to witness the +smile of my husband on a sick-bed as I entered the room to come and sit +by his side with his hand in mine. In health, the man loves to feel that +he is the protector of his wife; in sickness, there is no such arbour +for him as the arms of the woman he loves. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +THE MATRIMONIAL PROBLEM + + +From inquiries which I have made right and left I have arrived at this +conclusion--that, out of a hundred couples who have got married, fifty +would like to regain their freedom after six months of matrimonial life, +twenty have come to the same opinion after a couple of years, ten more +after a longer period, and about twenty are satisfied, though, in the +last case, it often amounts to making the best of it. Not ten of them +spend their leisure time in returning thanks that they got +married--perhaps ten, but certainly not more. + +And I will add this--that, among my friends and acquaintances, the +couples who live most happily together are, without exception, those who +made up their minds to be married most quickly, and did not attempt, +during years and years of engagement, to try and learn how to know +something of each other. I do not give this as a piece of advice to +those about to marry. I simply state a fact, although I am prepared to +admit that long engagements have never been the proper way of preparing +for matrimony. + +In my opinion, the majority of marriages will have a chance of turning +out happily when the following will have become customs and laws: + +1. Before a man makes love to a woman with the intention of asking her +to become his wife, and before a woman allows a man to speak love to +her, certainly before she accepts his offer of matrimony, both will have +ascertained that there is no disease, moral or physical, of an +hereditary nature in either family; that the man has been a good and +devoted son, a cheerful brother, and an honest man in all his dealings, +well spoken of by his employers or his acquaintances; that the girl is +not an extravagant woman, and has, among her friends, the reputation of +being amiable, cheerful, and a favourite at home; that both will have +sufficient means to support themselves. + +I will go further. I will say that it should not only be a custom to +make inquiries about the antecedents of the parties, and their financial +position, but a law, and a strict law, too, that would prevent couples +from marrying who were likely to present society with undesirable +children, or become a burden to the community. I believe that no +emigrant is allowed to land in America who cannot prove that he +possesses some means of existence. No couples should be allowed to enter +the 'State of Union' who cannot prove that they possess means to support +themselves, and are healthy in mind and in body. + +2. Girls will be told, like in the past, that their destiny is to be +one day wives and mothers, but they will be intelligently prepared for +both noble vocations. They will come out of school able to keep a house, +cook a good, palatable meal, and make their own dresses. They will know +how to get their money's worth when they go a-shopping. They will have +learned how to attend to babies, and have played with live dolls. They +will have listened to, and profited by, lectures on hygiene. They will +know all these things, besides possessing the accomplishments which are +only meant to be dessert in matrimonial life. + +Boys who have never been once told that their destiny is to become one +day husbands and fathers will be prepared to be tolerably good ones. +They will be taught the consideration that man should always show to +woman. They will be taught to take off their hats to women and young +girls, and advised to do the same one day to their own wives when they +meet them. When they get to be eighteen or twenty, they will be informed +of women's characteristic traits. They will be told that a woman who +accepts an offer of matrimony does a man more honour than he conferred +on her by making the offer. + +When men and women shall by early training be made, the former less +selfish and conceited, the latter less frivolous and extravagant, the +chances of happiness in matrimony will be greatly increased. + +Still, the problem will not be solved. + +You will never prevent matrimony being a lottery. Take your ticket +and--your chance. + +After all, matrimony is like a mushroom. The only way to ascertain +whether it is the genuine article or poison that you have got is to +swallow it--and wait. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +WOMEN SHOULD ASSERT THEMSELVES IN MATRIMONY + + +A cynic once said that in this world men succeed through the qualities +which they do not possess. By this he meant to say that to cope with the +pushing crowd, you must not be too scrupulous, or you will let everybody +pass before you. + +A worse cynic, one of the blackest type and deepest dye, went as far as +to say: 'The way to succeed is to have unbounded impudence, popular +manners, absence of scruple, and complete ignorance of everything.' + +But, then, take it for granted that this cynic was only a disappointed +failure. You will constantly hear the man who has failed in life +exclaim: 'Oh, if I had not always wished to remain perfectly honest, I +could have succeeded like many others I know.' + +Just as you hear women who fail to get engagements on the stage or the +concert platform remark: 'If I had had no objection to obtaining +engagements in the way some women do, I would have made my mark--but I +am not one of that sort.' + +At the risk of appearing paradoxical, and even cynical, I will venture +to say that in love, and in matrimony especially, certain great +qualities are more detrimental to the happiness of women than many of +their defects. And if this is a correct statement, to what shortcoming +of man are we going to attribute it? + +I know that on reading this some women will exclaim: 'Shame on you to +say such a thing!' Very well, will you listen to me? Look around you, +among all your circles of friends and acquaintances, of relatives even, +and tell me if, as a rule, the young girl who is vain, selfish, +coquettish, a flirt even, has not better chances of marriage, and is not +sought after rather than the simple, unaffected, devoted, intellectual +girl? Tell me if the bumptious rose does not generally carry the day +over the modest, retiring violet?' + +Of course, I know that you will say to me, 'You may be right; men--I +mean most men--are caught, like mackerel, by shining bait; but when a +man is married, surely he is not slow to recognise which of the two is +the right one to have as a wife, and to appreciate all the qualities and +virtues of the second one.' + +Well, you are wrong--wrong as can be. Look around you again, study now +the married couples that you know, and you will have to confess that the +wife who is coquettish, frivolous, clever, will know how to make herself +respected, and even feared, by her husband much more than the other. + +That husband will pay to her his best attentions, will be proud of her, +and will work like a slave in order to meet all the expenses required +for the adornment of her beauty without once venturing to make a +remark. + +I tell you that if I had a marriageable daughter, whom I wanted to get +rid of, I would tell her to put all her retiring ways in the cloak-room +and to assert herself, and, after the wedding ceremony, I would whisper +in her ears: + +'My dear child, never make yourself the slave of your husband; be good, +faithful and devoted to him, but do not forget that man is a strange +animal, who seldom appreciates what he does not pay for. In this respect +men are like those people who listen breathlessly to music in a hall or +theatre where they have paid a guinea for their seats, and who, as +guests in a drawing-room, take the very best music as a signal for +entering into general conversation. If you want your husband to listen +to your music, make him pay for his seat.' + +The poor little woman who follows to the letter all the lectures she has +heard on matrimony, at home and at church wedding ceremonies, will soon +find the irreparable mistake she has made. In this rôle of devoted slave +she will lose her beauty, her intelligence, her very mind, and will +wither rapidly. + +Devoting herself, body and soul, forgetting herself always in order to +increase the welfare of her husband she will work, wear herself out, +until, when her beauty is gone, her husband will feel for her nothing +but indifference, if not, alas! sometimes contempt. + +If one of the two must endure a privation in order that the other may +have more comfort, it should be the man, always the man: first, because +hard work and privations do not hurt a man as they can hurt a woman, +physically and mentally; secondly, because a woman is far more apt to +appreciate self-abnegation in a man than a man in a woman. + +All this does not mean that men are all brutes--no; although it must be +admitted that there is something brutal in their very nature which is +ever fascinated by what is piquant, and never excited by a devotion +which they feel is, above all, the duty of the stronger toward the +weaker. + +Let women gently, diplomatically, but firmly, assert themselves on the +very threshold of matrimony, or all the concessions which they make at +the beginning will soon be considered by their husbands as their due. In +matrimonial life, as in the government of nations, you can never take +back concessions or privileges granted too quickly and without enough +consideration. + +Women who start married life as slaves will never be able to assert +themselves or enjoy the slightest influence over their husbands; and +bear in mind that no marriage has ever proved to be happy where the +influence of woman, though sweet and gentle, has not been paramount. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--I + + +I have many times been asked the question, Who are the best subjects for +matrimony? I believe (kindly mark that I do not say I am sure) that the +best subjects for matrimony are people with simple tastes, equable +tempers, no very great aspirations, satisfied with doing little and +being little. These, at all events, are the kind of people most likely +to be happy in matrimony, far more likely than, say, for instance, the +'intellectuals,' who are ever in search of the pathway that leads to the +higher walks of life, who have ambitions to satisfy and many inducements +to divert their minds from the peaceful ways of contentment and happy +matrimony. Little things please little minds, and those couples, whom we +have all met in life, who know nothing, who dream of nothing above what +they have got, who are perfect mutual admiration societies, are the best +subjects for matrimony. These people, snoring under the same curtain, +eating out of the same plate, as it were, having the same tastes, +persuaded that no one is blessed with such children as they have, +satisfied with all they do, sure that the religion they follow is the +only true one in the world, spend a peaceful and happy life in the +exchange of familiarities which, for them, constitute love. They respect +and enjoy each other; they echo each other's sentiments; and their +beings are coupled together, trotting along, like two dogs well looked +after. Their discussions at home are never on any higher questions than +whether green peas are better with duck than Brussels sprouts. They are +cheerful, smiling. She calls him Smith or Brown, and he never speaks of +her but as 'my good lady.' Before the children they call each other +'father' and 'mother.' They may be grocers, fruiterers--I don't care +what they are; they are happy, perfect subjects for matrimony. + + * * * + +What divers and strange unions are sanctioned by matrimony, to be sure! +By the side of resigned couples, harnessed together and painfully +dragging the plough, those who have never been able to understand each +other, through want of space, because they were too near to make proper +observations; those who, alas! understand each other too well; sweet, +amiable women of poetic dispositions, chained to matter-of-fact, brutal +men; honest, saving, hard-working men fastened for life to silly, +thoughtless, extravagant women; romantic women married to men who see no +difference between Vesuvius in eruption and the smoking chimneys of +Pittsburg or Birmingham; women of a keen, humorous disposition living +with dullards unable to see a joke; Wagnerians having for wives women +who prefer the music of 'The Casino Girl' to that of 'Lohengrin': +almost everywhere tragedy or comedy. + + * * * + +Matrimony is a very narrow carriage. If you want to be comfortable in it +you have to be careful, or one will soon be in the way of the other. To +put yourself to a little inconvenience now and then is the only way of +making the other comfortable. To believe that love alone, without +careful study, will resist all the shocks and will be all the more +durable that it is ardent is the greatest mistake one can make in the +world. Violent passion may be compared to Hercules, who might have +enough strength to raise a palace on his shoulders, but not enough to +stand a cold in his head. It is the thousand and one little drawbacks of +matrimonial life that undermine it. Love will survive a great +misfortune, but will be killed by the little miseries of conjugal +partnership. In matrimony it is the little things that count and which, +added up, make a terrible total. The waning love of a wife will not be +revived by the present of a thousand pound pair of ear-rings, but it may +be kept up by the daily present of a penny bunch of violets, which +reminds her that you think of her every day of your life. It is not the +great sacrifices that appeal to her as do constant little concessions. +Many men would sacrifice their lives who would not give up smoking or +their too frequent visits to their clubs for their wives. Many women +will be the incarnation of devotion and self-abnegation who will not do +their hair as their husbands beg them to. + + * * * + +Surely matrimony ought to procure happiness, for the greatest bliss on +earth should be to love in peaceful security with the guarantee of the +morrow. Matrimony is all right. So are the symphonies of Beethoven--when +they are performed by orchestras who play in time and in tune. + +The worst--indeed, the only serious--drawback to matrimony is that it is +an everyday meal which, palatable as it may be, runs the risk of +becoming insipid, and of making fastidious the people who have to +partake of it. True, but then let people who are intelligent and +thoughtful supply seasoning which will whet the appetite and combat +Habit, that demon which is their deadliest enemy. + +It is folly, rank folly, to believe that it is wise, even prudent, to +exhaust all at once the sum of happiness, illusion, and love with which +one enters the state of matrimony, and to give one's self body and soul +until, soon satiated and by-and-by tired of each other, both will turn +their heads away in disgust, and may, later on, lose them in despair. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--II + + +There was a time, and I can remember it myself, when men as well as +women wore wedding-rings. It was, I think, a very pretty custom. The +wedding-ring ought to be worn by both husband and wife, not only as a +constant reminder of faith sworn, but also as a talisman; it should be a +cherished jewel given to the husband by the wife, as well as one given +to the wife by the husband, and given in each case with a loving, +earnest kiss impressed upon it. The wedding-ring is such a priceless +jewel in the eyes of loving women that I have heard of some who became +insane on losing it. Why should it not be priceless in the eyes of a man +who loves his wife? + + * * * + +Every time that two beings who live together are not of the same opinion +or of the same taste, a concession on the part of the one or of the +other has to be made, or trouble will follow. This is a rule without +exception. In conjugal parlance Concession is another name for Duty. +Concessions should even be made in everyday conversation, and long +discussions most carefully and invariably avoided. Discussions are +generally useless; they never lead to conviction, and may cause you to +run a dangerous risk--that of losing your control over your good temper. +In a wild desire to prove that he is right, a man will blurt out words +that he will be sorry to have uttered, betray thoughts which he always +meant to keep to himself, and when the discussion is over those words +remain and the harm is done. + +The moment a discussion takes too lively a form, one of the two should +have enough self-control to stop adding fuel to it and remain silent, +even at the risk of letting the other suppose that his (or her) +arguments are unanswerable. Of course, this silence should be kind, +discreet; not that odious silence of ill-assorted couples, which is a +silence of disgust and hatred. If both man and wife are quick-tempered +and unable to avoid a heated discussion, they should leave off at once; +they should even separate and go, he to light a cigar in his library or +in the garden, she to touch her piano or take up a novel, until both +have forgotten all about it. + + * * * + +A mistake made by a great many married couples is to avoid speaking of +money matters. But the most loving couples cannot altogether live on +love and the air of the atmosphere; it is not given to all of them--in +fact, it is given to only very few of them--to spend without having to +count. A man and a wife are two friends, two partners, who should +constantly hold pleasant little committee meetings of two in order to +discuss all matters of pecuniary interest and balance their budget of +receipts and expenditure. Once a week at least, they should employ an +hour in this way, hand in hand, like the best of friends. Thus it is +that by mutual confidence each will encourage the other to think of the +future, and little by little both will soon find themselves possessing +the nucleus of a small fortune, in which they will take more and more +interest, and which one day, to their surprise, will be found quite snug +and bearing an interest that will add considerably to their annual +revenue. + +A married woman should never consent to receive so much a week for +household expenses, so much a month for her dress, and to be treated, so +to speak, as a dependent person. It should be left to her to decide +whether, considering what the financial situation is, she can afford two +new hats or one only. The suggestion, much less the order, should not +come from her husband, but from herself. + +I like the French system, where a man consults his wife in all important +matters of financial interest, such as the investment of savings, etc.; +but from the day she is married, the French wife begins to be taught by +her husband the details of his profession or business, and the best and +safest investments of the day, and she immediately and invariably is +appointed by him secretary of the treasury--among the masses of the +people, anyway--and that is why I have not the least hesitation is +asserting the fortune of France is so stable and steady. It is because, +thanks to the influence of the wife, French families have their money +invested in the safest Government securities. So long as they can work, +they are satisfied with a very small interest for their capital, in +order to be quite sure that when the days of rest will become a +necessity, that capital will be there to keep them, if not in wealth, at +all events in comfort and complete independence. + + * * * + +When married couples have nothing better to do, they should amuse +themselves making all sorts of plans for the future. They should plan +journeys to distant countries, build castles in the air, buy country +houses, and consult each other and decide how they shall furnish them +and lay out the grounds. These plans are like barricades--they mask the +future; besides, they cause you amusement and cost nothing. And--who +knows?--among those many plans perhaps there will be one of your +predilections that you will actually be able to realize. What happens +then? Plans are akin to caresses--they go together hand in hand; they +are the gratuitous pleasures of sweet intimacy. + + * * * + +Young married people should avoid being too demonstrative, not only in +public, but in private, in the first years especially. They should +constantly remember that they enter the state of matrimony with a +certain capital of love. They must not squander that capital, but live +on the interest of it only. + + * * * + +There are young people who too often feel the want of manifesting their +love by exaggerated proofs of tenderness, such as the administration to +each other of names of birds and pet quadrupeds, of showers of kisses, +of little pats on the face. The exaggerated frequency of such acts +produces a reaction, and often a slight sensation of enervation, that +should never be born of caresses. And as these outward shows of love run +the risk of diminishing in number and fervour, there is danger of their +thus becoming a sign or a proof of decline in tenderness. + +In public these demonstrations are ridiculous and vulgar; they put other +people ill at ease, who smile and sneer, and even remark, 'They will +soon get over it.' + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--III + + +To marry a beautiful woman for the mere love of her beauty is to +undertake to dwell in a country that has a temperature of 100 in the +shade without being provided with clothes that will enable you to stand +a winter of 50 below zero when it comes. + + * * * + +In the relations between men and women it is, after all, beauty that +makes woman particularly attractive to man. For this reason, the love of +a man is more sensual, more jealous, than that of a woman, which is more +affectionate, more confiding, and more faithful. As a rule, the passion +of a husband goes on diminishing as that of his wife goes on increasing. +A man exacts of his wife her first love; a woman exacts of her husband +his last. Only the select few can manage their matrimonial affairs with +such clever diplomacy as to make these different elements of happiness +and sources of danger work together with success. + + * * * + +Married people would live more happily together if they could now and +then forget that they are tied together for life. Any little scene that +may help them to forget it should be enacted by them. + + * * * + +Happiness in matrimony is more solid when it is founded on friendship +through thick and thin than when it is merely on love. + + * * * + +In love a moment of bliss is nothing; it is only the morrow which +purifies and sanctifies it. How many married couples would be happy if +they would only think of the morrow! + + * * * + +The husband who knows how to always keep something in store for his wife +has solved the great problem of happiness in matrimonial life. + + * * * + +Cupid introduces men and women into that enclosure which is called +matrimony, and then discreetly and almost immediately retires. What a +pity it is he does not make their acquaintance later, in order to remain +with them for ever! + + * * * + +Marriages would be very much happier if women preferred marrying men who +love them to those whom they love. + + * * * + +Matrimony would be a glorious institution if women would take as much +care of themselves for their husbands as they do when they expect guests +at their dinner-parties and receptions. + + * * * + +Women should devote all their best attentions to learning how to grow +old in time and gradually, and in remembering that tears make them +unattractive, and angry looks hideous. + + * * * + +One of the greatest dangers to happiness in matrimony is not want of +love, but too much of it, at the beginning especially. Love dies of +indigestion more quickly than of any other disease. Never satiate your +wife--or your husband--with love. Do not live on £10,000 the first year +of your married life, and be obliged to reduce your income by £1,000 or +£2,000 every year. Begin gently, quietly, and let your revenue, like +your love, slowly but steadily increase. There lies your only chance. +With self-control you have it at your disposal. + + * * * + +All vocations require preparation and apprenticeship. Matrimony is the +only one which men and women can enter into without knowing anything +about it. Alas! + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE START IN MATRIMONY, AND ITS DANGERS + + +In matrimony it is not 'All is well that ends well'; it is 'All is well +that begins well, but not too well.' Starting from this principle, I +have often advised young husbands to control themselves, and to be +careful to avoid putting all their smartest dialogue and strongest +situations in the first act of the comedy of matrimony, for fear lest +the interest should go on flagging steadily to the end. + +I have advised them to see that their wives do not get their own way in +everything at once, and not to make themselves their abject slaves, +because, just as no government has ever been known to successfully +suppress, or even reduce, any liberty or privilege previously granted to +the people, just so will no husband be able to recover one inch of the +ground he has surrendered if he capitulates on the threshold of +matrimony. + +In fact, let young husbands and young wives behave toward each other in +such a way that their friends will not smile and say: 'Lovely, but too +good to last, I'm afraid.' + +The dangers against which I have attempted to warn men exist for +women--devoted, loving women who wish to start matrimony by trying to do +the impossible in order to please their husbands, or, if not the +impossible, at all events, what it may not be in their power to do for +ever, or even for a long time. + +One of these dangers is that of economy. + +'My dear,' remarked a shrewd friend to a bride of a few weeks' standing, +'you will make a terrible mistake if you let your husband think that you +can keep house on nothing.' + +Young wives are sometimes pitifully anxious to be credited with +remarkable cleverness as house-mistresses. The more they love their +husbands, the less they like the idea of their toiling and moiling. +Hence they are keenly anxious to prove themselves helpmeets in the +literal sense of the word. + +Not only will they name a far smaller sum as housekeeping money than +their husbands can well afford to give them, but they will actually save +out of that sum enough for their own clothes and petty cash expenses. + +All this self-sacrifice is not only charming, but beautiful, when there +is necessity for rigid economy. Young couples who wisely marry on small +incomes, instead of wasting the sweetness of their youth over an endless +engagement, must make a study of ways and means, and the wife who will +cajole a shilling into doing duty for a five-shilling piece is a jewel +beyond price. + +Again, when times are bad, when the bread-winner falls ill, and the +treasury runs dry, there is no more pathetic and lovely sight than the +brave little wife who struggles and succeeds in keeping the wolf out of +the house. + +But in instances where no serious demand of this kind need be made upon +a wife's ingenuity, she is a very short-sighted woman indeed who does +not see the dangers and realize the evils of overzealous economy. + +There would be fewer complaints of marriages that result in the wife +being merely an unpaid servant or housekeeper, who cannot give notice to +leave, if brides began as they meant to go on, for no one save those who +have lived through the process knows how difficult it is to introduce a +new régime when once its opposite had been inaugurated and accepted. + +'You said you would find £3 10s. a week ample a month ago. Why in the +world do you want £5 now?' asks the husband, whose wife has been +foolishly anxious to impress him with her cleverness as an economist, +and finds she cannot keep up the farce beyond the limit of a few weeks. + +Economy may be carried too far from choice. There are women who simply +love saving. They neglect their intellectual life, and abandon all +attempts to keep in the movement, all in order to grind down the weekly +bills. No reward awaits them. + +The women who believe themselves perfect because they are economical, +and consider the spring-cleaning of their house the greatest event of +the year, grow old before their time, and are never the companions +modern wives should be to their husbands. + +Be good, but never overdo it, I will say to any woman who has the sense +of humour. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +'OMELETTE AU RHUM' + + +When you are dining with an intimate friend, and an _omelette au rhum_ +is served, what do you do? Without any ceremony, you take a spoon, and, +taking the burning liquid, you pour it over the dish gently and +unceasingly. If you are careless, and fail to keep the pink and blue +flame alive, it goes out at once, and you have to eat, instead of a +delicacy, a dish fit only for people who like, or are used to have, +their palates scraped by rough food. If you would be sure to be +successful, you will ask your friend to help you watch the flame, and +you will even ask him to lift the omelette gently so that the rhum may +be poured all over it until the whole of the alcohol contained in the +liquor is burned out. + +This _omelette au rhum_ is a fairly good symbol of matrimony. + +In the earliest stage of married life the eggs have just been broken, +beaten, and strewn with sugar, a light has been set, and everything is +burning and perfectly beautiful. The young partakers of the matrimonial +repast are intoxicated with their new life, their new emotions, their +new sensations; they require no indulgence toward each other, no +special cleverness or diplomacy to please each other; there are no +concessions to make--neither of them can go or do wrong; the flame burns +of itself. + +I do not mean to say that the flame can be kept burning for ever and +ever--alas! no, not any more than life can be made to eternally animate +your body. The flame must go out one day, as some illness must one day +end your life. But, just as hygiene teaches how to keep our good health +prolonged by precautions of all sorts, just so does common-sense, aided +by diplomacy and skill, help us to keep alive the flame of love between +the man and the woman who have kindled it. + +And let no woman accuse me of manly conceit if I say that, clever and +attentive as the man must be, the woman has to be more clever and +attentive still, and that simply because it is a fact--an uncontradicted +fact (call it psychological if you like, or physiological if you +prefer)--that the love or passion of a woman goes on naturally +increasing in married life, whereas that of a man goes on just as +gradually and steadily decreasing. + +In marriage the flame of love has been known to keep long alive through +the intelligence of the wife, and even without any effort in that +direction on the part of the husband; but the contrary has never been +known to be successful. + +Woman is a divine delicacy who has to tempt the appetite of man; but the +most exquisite delicacy may become insipid if served every day with the +eternally same sauce. This is plain common-sense, and let me tell you +this: that no married life (not one) has a shadow of chance to be happy +for long unless the woman clearly understands and quickly realizes that, +if moral duties are the same for men and women, Nature has made their +temperaments absolutely different. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +COQUETRY IN MATRIMONY + + +No coquetry in matrimony? Who is the Philistine who dares utter such +blasphemy? Good heavens! if half the curling-pins, which are used by +women at night in order to be beautiful the following day and attract +the attention and admiration of strangers, were used by them in the +morning, so that they might be beautiful the same day, and draw the +attention and admiration of their husbands, there would be happiness in +matrimony, and the world would go much better than it does. + +The greatest, the most dangerous enemy of happiness in matrimony is +habit which engenders monotony. You get too much accustomed to each +other, and love fades, as a flower which falls off its stem before it +has lived its natural life, owing to some insect which destroys it. + +That insect in matrimony is habit, which devours everything without your +being aware of its presence. Destroy that insect before it has had time +to do any harm, and you will have saved your dual happiness. + +A grave error committed by many women is to believe that they must look +their best for the friends, acquaintances and strangers who visit them, +but that they need not take much trouble for their husbands. + +But the fact is that a woman ought to ever appear before her husband +at her very best, whether it is in a morning negligée or in a full +afternoon or evening toilette. + +Your husband, my dear lady, ought to see in you more than he could see +in any other woman. All comparisons ought to be to your advantage. It is +not at all necessary that you should have an expensive gown on at +breakfast-time. Your hair well fixed, and a nice-fitting dressing-gown +may make you look as attractive as a beautiful ball-dress. + +It is not clothes that make a woman fascinating; it is the way she puts +them on. + +In fact, never allow yourself to be seen by your husband in any other +state than that in which you would allow yourself to be seen by the male +portion of your acquaintances, not even in illness. As long as your +strength permit, remain coquettish and jealous of your appearance. Yes, +I say, even on a sick-bed. + +The part you have to play consists in spraying a perfume of poetry +around you. Fill your husband with remembrances of you, so that, even +when you are not visible, you are present before his eyes. + +Allow him the most complete liberty, and never ask him questions on what +he has done, where he has been. + +Take it for granted that he has done nothing which he should not have +done, that he has been nowhere where he should not have been, and it is +that perfect confidence which you show you have in him that will always +keep him in the path of faithfulness, unless he is, which is only +exceptional, an absolutely bad man. + +If clouds are gathering over your happiness, it is for you women to +clear them away. You are the guardian angels of the home, which is your +kingdom. If you have trials, strain every nerve to appear smiling, and +if sometimes tears stifle you, shed them in secret, even should the +cause of your trial be the inconstancy of your husband. + +You will not bring him back to you with reproaches, tears and scenes. +You will thus keep him away for good. Remember that Nature, which has +treated you so ungenerously, makes you ugly when you weep and hideous +when you make a scene. + +You will bring back an erring husband by your kindness, your sweetness, +your devotion, and your intelligence. The only infallible way to get a +husband attached to you is to let him believe that you never suspected +him, much less accused him, even when he was guilty. Call to your aid +whatever resources are at your disposal--resources of intelligence, of +beauty, of abnegation--and, if your husband is not a brute, he will +return to you, and he will be all the more ashamed of the way in which +he neglected you for a time that, by your behaviour, you seem to +consider he had never for a day ceased to love you. + +Never make an allusion to the fatted calf which you killed on the +return of the prodigal heart. Be as merciful in your victory as you were +in your temporary defeat. + +Do not be satisfied with forgiving; forget, and make him forget +everything. Use scales: on one side place his years of devotion to you, +his industry, his forethought in securing your future and that of your +children; on the other his faults; and even if these scales should +incline to remain horizontal, with a gentle touch of your finger make +them go down in favour of what he has done for you. + +The supreme coquetry of a woman is to know how to reign, even when her +husband governs. Her very weakness is the best weapon in her hands. Her +husband should be the motive of all her actions. Before thinking of +appearing beautiful to the indifferent, she should think of appearing +beautiful to her husband. + +If she is admired, she should feel proud of it for his sake, and make +him understand that only crumbs are for strangers; that he alone is +invited to the whole meal of her beauty, her love, her boundless +devotion. + +And let me add that there is not, in this chapter, a single word of +advice which I give to women in their dealings with husbands which I do +not endorse and give to men in their dealings with their wives. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +RESIGNATION IN MATRIMONY + + +According to characters and circumstances, resignation is the virtue of +the weak or the virtue of the strong. A woman resigns herself to her +fate in married life, sometimes because she has not enough strength of +will, sometimes because she does not deign to revolt, oftener still +because she discovers that her rebellion could only make matters worse +for herself, and especially for her children. + +If her husband is good, her resignation will soon bring him back to her; +if he is bad, her rebellion will make him much worse. + +If you cannot sympathize with your husband, or adopt his views and +manner of thinking, resign yourself, keep your views for yourself, and +do not transform your married life into an eternal French public +meeting, where, instead of striking pebbles together in order to obtain +light, they throw them at one another's faces. + +Fulfil your duties. Never complain. Never exact what is not offered to +you, unless it be respect. So long as your husband treats you with +respect, at home as well as in public; so long as he is the thoughtful +father of your children, and carefully and industriously attends to his +profession or business, respect him and inspire in your children the +respect for him, and especially do not make your children the confidant +of your grievances; that is your foremost duty. + +I cannot say to you: Try to force yourself to love your husband. This is +not in your power. But I will say: Be irreproachable, and thus make +yourself the superior of your husband. Devote yourself to your family. +If you are rich, do with your money all the good that you can. The +greatest possession is self-esteem. You can rise so high that the +offences committed against you may appear infinitely small. After all, +we get in this world the place that we know how to make for ourselves. + +Never let the outside public know the details of your private life. +Receive your friends and your guests with a smile on your lips. If your +husband is a gentleman, he will show you before them the greatest +consideration, and if you are a lady you will treat him in a like +manner. + +If your husband is unable to offer you his love--I mean a lover's +love--do not commit the mistake of refusing his friendship, for it is +just possible that this man, who has not in him the power to love you as +a lover, would still be ready to give his life for you. + +He would certainly be still ready to give it for his children, _your_ +children. Surely that friendship is worth having. Of course, the young +wife, who discovers after only a few years of marriage that the dream of +love has vanished, is to be pitied, supposing that it has not been +through her fault that the dream has had such a short life; but the +woman who for twenty or more years has had a faithful lover-husband is +conceited and ridiculous beyond measure when she does not almost +cheerfully resign herself to the inevitable crisis in matrimony; and if +she has children that she takes in her confidence, and thus estranges +from their father, her vanity is not very far from criminal. At all +events, she deserves the sympathy of no one. + +Resign yourself to the inevitable. Let the days of love, happiness, and +devotion count in the final reckoning, and, in turning over a new leaf, +be sure you bring forward devotion, and soon happiness may have to be +added again. + +Put on a cheerful face always, and remember that it pays to excite envy, +never to excite pity. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +TIT FOR TAT + + +There is more joy in heaven, we are told, for one sinner who repents +than for a hundred righteous people who keep straight on the narrow ways +of salvation. + +And, I should add, there must be more joy in hell for one good man who +goes wrong than for a hundred sinners who persevere in their wicked +ways. + +There should be more joy in the heart of a woman for a man who remains +in love with her than for a hundred others whose admiration she may +obtain. + +There are some women who may love a man ever so much, and be loved by +him to their hearts' content, who will use all their artillery to bring +down strangers to their feet, but who will make little or no effort to +look their best for the man who loves them and is devoted to them. For +such women their beauty is an altar erected to unknown gods. + +Married life would be an everyday bliss and an eternal one if men never +thought of doing to or before their wives what they would never dream of +doing to or before any ladies of their acquaintance, and, of course, if +women did the same; but such is not always, even often, the case. Hence +the trouble. + +How many men have taken their wives to a ball, women whose radiant +beauty and brilliant toilettes have caused the admiration of all men +present, and also the envy of many women? + +How many men have felt that, if the said wives had made as much +preparation for them as they had for all the strangers present at that +ball, they could have fallen at their feet and worshipped them? + +On returning home, however, Madame has immediately retired to her room, +ordered her maid to quickly remove and pack away the lovely attire, and, +an hour later, prepared for the night's rest, she appeared before her +husband with her hair all prepared for the next day, her hands carefully +gloved so that they may be as white as snow--also for the next day--and +wrapped up and as inaccessible as a valuable clock that is going to be +shipped to the other end of the world. + +That is the lot of many men--may I not even say of most husbands? Then a +bold husband will venture to make some remarks. He will say, 'Now, my +dear, I hear you practise your scales and exercises, but seldom do you +treat me to a piece of music, which I only hear when I have guests or we +go out. Everyone--at the ball--has admired your beautiful hair and your +lovely gown, but for me, all I see is hairpins and curlers and a +dressing-gown.' + +And Madame will answer more or less sourly, 'Is it because I am your +wife that I must grow ugly? Do you want my hair to fall over my neck and +shoulders to-morrow like weeping willows? Do you want my hands to be red +and chappy? Are you sorry I am careful of my clothes and have them put +away, well folded in tissue-paper, when I have no need of them? + +'Do you reproach me for doing you honour and being at the same time +careful? Will you tell me, is there any way to please you? And do you +think that, after enjoying herself and receiving compliments during a +whole evening, it is very pleasant for a woman to return home and hear +nothing but rebuffs, reproaches and the like?' + +The poor man feels he is beaten, that he is a brute, and he says nothing +more, until one night when it is time to retire, he prepares a surprise +for his wife. + +'What's all this?' exclaims the wife when she realizes what has +happened. + +'Nothing, dear,' he replies. 'To tell you the truth, I go hunting +to-morrow morning, and I shall have to rise very early. My hunting-boots +are new, and in the morning my feet are always a little swollen, so I +keep them on to save trouble. You must excuse my spurs, too, dear, but I +prefer these, which are fastened to the boots. I shall be most +comfortable to-morrow.' + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +THE IDEAL HUSBAND + + +There are qualities which most women admire in men, and there are +qualities which practically every man admires in all women; but if you +were to ask of a hundred men, 'What is the ideal wife?' and of a hundred +women, 'What is the ideal husband?' you would get a hundred opinions all +different one from the other. + +_Quot capita, tot sensus_, which, in the case of women, I should like to +translate, 'So many pretty heads, so many different opinions.' This, +however, is as it should be. Only there remains that terrible problem +for every man and woman to solve: Find your ideal if you can, and when +you think you have found it, see that you are not disappointed. + +I have of late interviewed a good many Parisiennes on the subject, and I +will give some of the answers which I have received. + +One said to me: 'The ideal husband is the one who devotes his life to +his wife, who makes her the first consideration in all his thoughts and +acts, who understands that she is the aim of everything which he +undertakes, and that he should use all the resources that Nature has +placed in his mind and Fortune has put in his hands in order that she +may be happy and remain long beautiful.' + +I need not say that this was the opinion of a young girl who had only +just made her début in society. Nor do I need say that the following +came from the lips of a married woman--one, however, whom I guarantee to +be in the possession of all the womanly virtues likely to make a husband +most satisfied with his lot. + +'The ideal husband,' she said, 'is the one who lets his wife alone, who +does not interfere with her household duties or any of her little +womanly fads, who is not always paying her compliments or besieging her +with advice, and who is not always by her side or behind her back, who +seldom addresses her reproaches, and never reminds her of what he has +done to deserve her gratitude, who is not fussy, fidgety, or a bore of a +model of propriety and virtue. + +'When I was a young girl I dreamed of matrimony as a sweet state of +slavery. Now I shout for liberty--liberty for him and liberty for me. I +do not mean to say, of course, that man and wife should live apart and +not care one what the other does. No, no; but I firmly believe that we +should remain at a respectful distance from the objects which we want to +see to advantage and admire. + +'A woman should never allow even the most loving and beloved of husbands +to be constantly making love to her. One may suffer from abundance of +wealth. A great deal of discretion and a certain amount of respect +between married people are sure to secure the duration and the solidity +of their affection. Those who live at too close quarters are sure to +part one day or the other.' + +Here is another, with less philosophy, but a good deal of what I might +call paradoxical psychology: + +'The ideal husband,' said to me a woman married to a French painter on +the road to celebrity, 'is the one who is not a man of genius. Nothing +monopolizes a man like a great talent for writing, painting, or even +business; he belongs to his muse, his art, or his figures. His thoughts +are absorbed, and he has very few, if any, left for the little creature +who lives with him, not in the clouds, but by his side on this earth. + +'When he returns from his dreams, he throws at her--poor inferior +being!--a glance of pity, if not of contempt. My ideal husband is a man +who can live for me as I am ready to live for him, and who can do +without a mistress, whether that mistress be called Literature, Art, or +Commerce. I love great men, great poets, great painters or sculptors, +but I would not have a great man for a husband; nay, furthermore, I +should like to have a husband jealous of all the great men of my +predilection in the world of fiction.' + +A piquant little woman, not a bit beautiful, but absolutely charming and +the embodiment of amiability and cheerfulness, said to me: + +'The ideal husband shall not be a handsome man, but a gentlemanly one, +with a keen sense of humour, cheerful, a laughing philosopher, and a man +with a magnanimous turn of mind, who would never take advantage of a +little trouble in which I might find myself entangled to say to me, "I +told you so," but get me out of it quickly.' + +Of course, all my fair friends, without exception, have insisted on the +ideal husband being indulgent, generous, manly, sincere, loyal, and +above middle height. Strange to say that none of them ask him to be +handsome, much less insist on it. One of them even went so far as to +say: + +'A husband should not be handsome. First of all he is never very +beautiful, since he is a man. But he might be worse; he might think he +is beautiful, and then Heaven help his wife!' + +'The ideal husband,' remarked a lady, 'is a man who should never be +ridiculous, never make a fool of himself, and never for a moment believe +that women took notice of him. A woman's love may survive any defect in +her husband, but ridicule never.' + +The fact is that words or acts of a man ridiculous enough to make his +wife wish she were a mile deep under the floor will lower him so much in +her estimation that she will never be able to look up to him again; and +no woman has ever been known to drop her love--she sends it up always. I +will conclude with the opinion of an American lady: + +'The ideal husband should never part with any of his most refined +manners in his home, where he should endeavour ever to appear at his +best, in dress, language, and behaviour, in the presence of his wife, +who is his queen.' + +I expected as much from her supreme and magnificent majesty, Mrs. +Jonathan, Queen of the United States. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +MARRYING ABOVE OR BELOW ONE'S STATION + + +It is said in England that, of all men who occupy high positions in +professional life, judges are those who oftenest marry below their +station. + +Many are even said to have married impossible women, and on these +women many amusing stories are related in the smoke-rooms of London +clubs--stories which, I have no doubt, are of the _se non è vero, è ben +trovato_ type, and as faithful to truth as the stories that are told on +the feet of the Chicago women or the intellect of the Boston girls. + + +CHORUS-GIRL MARRIAGES + +However, it must be admitted that fools are not the only men who marry +women that are greatly inferior to them in manner, education, and social +standing; the cleverest men and the most aristocratic ones have often +been known to do the same. + +Dukes, marquises, and earls have married chorus-girls and shop-girls; +great literary men and artists have married uneducated girls, and have +led very happy lives with them. Of course, I pass over the aristocracy +who marry among the common people in order to get their coats of arms +out of pawn. If they are poor and marry rich girls, you can hardly call +this a case of _mésalliance_, since the superiority of birth in the man +is compensated by the superiority of fortune in the woman. + +Of course, _mésalliances_ appeal to people, because they always suggest +marriages for love, and novelists of all countries have worked this +theme for all it is worth. In real life they very seldom work well, for +the simple reason that matrimony places a man and a woman on absolutely +equal footing, and that happiness for them, in the case of a +_mésalliance_, is only possible on condition that one goes up to the +level of the superior, or the other comes down to the level of the +inferior. + + +EDUCATING ONE'S WIFE + +Marriages that have the greatest chances of success are those in which +the two partners bring the same amount of capital in social position, in +education, in fortune, in character, and I will even add in stature and +in physical beauty, with perhaps a slight--a very slight--superiority to +the credit of the man in all these conditions, except that of beauty, +which is an attribute that woman can possess in any degree without +making the happiness of her husband and herself run any risk. + +Mrs. Hodgson Burnett, in one of her novels, makes a barrister fall in +love with a girl who works in the coal-mines of Lancaster (another case +of the legal profession going wrong). The man has the girl sent to +school to learn manners and get educated, then marries her, and all is +smooth ever after. + +I have heard of this being done in real life with less success. The +behaviour of the man in a case like this should create gratitude in the +heart of the woman, and gratitude does not engender love. On the +contrary, Cupid is a little fellow so fond of his liberty and so wilful +that anything that tends to influence him--worse than that, to force +him--has on him the contrary effect to that which should be expected. + +Yet, I say, it is the only way to bring an uneducated woman to the level +of an educated man--before matrimony. After marriage the woman is +acknowledged, proclaimed the equal of her husband, and she will stand no +hint as to her being inferior to her husband in any way. + +If she loves him and is not conceited, any act on his part, however +kindly performed, that would suggest to her that she might improve +herself in language, behaviour, etc., would cause her unhappiness and +even pangs of anguish. + +If, on the other hand, she did not love him and was conceited, or even +only of an independent character, she would soon give him a piece of her +mind on the subject of her improvements, and let him hear the great +typical phrase of democracy, 'I'm as good as you.' + + +DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTS + +No, no; he must put up with the situation, and make the best of it. In +that case men console themselves with the thought that their wives are +pretty, or that they are good housekeepers, good cooks. After all, a man +gets married to please himself, not for what the world has to say of his +wife. + +Still, you have to succeed in the world, and if you despise the opinion +of the world the world turns its back on you. And you must remember +this: however big you are, or you think you are, the earth can go on +running its course round the sun without your help. + +French and American women have a keen power of observation and native +adaptability. Better than any other women in the world, they can soon +adapt themselves to new surroundings and new ways, and learn how to +talk, walk, dress, and behave like the leading women of any new social +circles they may have entered. Witness the American women that are to be +seen at the courts of Europe. + +However, the experiment of a _mésalliance_ is always a dangerous one to +make. Nine times out of ten the rabbit will always taste of the cabbage +it was brought up on. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +PREPARE FOR MATRIMONY, BUT DO NOT OVERTRAIN YOURSELVES + + +I'll tell you what the trouble is with most women in connection with +matrimony--they expect too much out of it. Not only do they expect too +much, but, in their goodness, they prepare themselves to do too much, to +give too much; in fact, they overtrain themselves. + +The moment a woman is in love and becomes a fiancée she cultivates the +growing of her wings, and orders a halo for her head--in fact, she sets +herself to rehearse the part of an angel. + +But see the 'cussedness' of things! Man is a strange animal, who prefers +women to angels, and the result is that things go wrong. The dear soul +is persuaded that she is going to marry a hero, a demi-god, and very +soon she discovers that, after all, she has married only a man. How few +of us can stand comfortably and long on the pedestals that our admiring +friends have erected for us! + +When that woman engaged herself she did not go straightway to her +parents, as she should have done, and ask them for information on man +and matrimony. Her father might have gently disabused her on the +subject of many illusions. Certainly her mother would. No, she did not +do that. She kept to herself, read poetry, invented poetry, filled +herself with poetry. + +Boys dream of military life. To them it means gorgeous uniforms, a +sword, a life of adventure, battle and glory. Girls dream of married +life. To them it means beautiful dresses and jewels and a life of +love-making. But soldiers do not always fight, and husbands do not +always make love, and that is why military life and married life are +often so sadly disappointing. + +The dear little woman has prepared herself to be loving and devoted +every minute of her life. She has stored provisions of all the best +resolutions and virtues under the sun and above. She arrives in her new +home ready to yield in everything, even ready to run the house and dress +on nothing a year. How she loves that man! Her whole being is given up +to love. By-and-by she discovers that the most loving couples require +one or two meals a day, and that fig-leaves are much more expensive than +they were when they were first worn. Her husband, who, like all men, is +an idiot as far as the knowledge of housekeeping is concerned, begins to +grumble when she asks for a reasonable sum to allow her to keep things +going decently. Remarks pass, lectures are delivered, faces frown, and +frowning faces don't go well with halos. + +Why will young girls leave it to their imagination to find out what +married life is? Why do they not consult and listen to the advice of +married lady friends, choosing those who are happy, of course? + +They would hear the voice of common-sense. + +'If you want your husband to love you and be happy, my dear,' some old +stager will tell her, 'follow _Punch's_ advice--feed the brute. Never +expect him to be loving while he is hungry. The way to his heart is +through the portion of his anatomy that lies just under it.' + +Another will say to her: 'Don't start married life by keeping your house +on nothing a year, because your husband will find it quite natural, and +will get used to it.' + +Let that girl frankly confess to her sweetheart that she is not an +angel, and the probability is that, if he is a man, he will say to her: +'Never mind the angels, dearie; be a woman: that's quite good enough for +me.' + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +ACTRESSES SHOULD NOT MARRY + + +'Are you married?' once asked an English magistrate of an actress who +had been summoned for assault. She had flung a pot of cold cream in the +face of her manager. + +'No, sir,' replied the lively lady, 'nor do I wish to be.' + +'That is fortunate for your husband,' remarked the judge, who probably +had Irish blood in his veins. + +The actress--I do not mean the mere woman on the stage--is made by her +profession unfit for matrimony. If she is fit for it, she is not, and +never will be, a great actress. + +I know that you will at once tell me that Mr. and Mrs. Kendal and Mr. +and Mrs. Cyril Maude (Winifred Emery) have been married a good many +years and lived most happy lives together. I even imagine that you will +easily be able to name others, but I will still maintain that they are +only exceptions, and you will please remark that in the exceptions I +have named the husbands have, as actors, quite as high a reputation as +their wives, which may be the very explanation of those exceptions. + +The actress is a heroine, partly owing to the rôles that she plays, and +partly to the talent which she displays in them, and no heroine can be a +good wife to a man unless he be a hero himself. A woman can never drop +her love, and she never does; she gives it only to a man she can look up +to. + +But there are a great many other reasons. An actress wants perfect +freedom of action. She cannot be bothered by household duties, hampered +by the bringing up of children, mindful of the attentions required, or +at least expected, by a husband. + +Her soul and her very nervous system have to be stirred by the whole +gamut of sentiments, sensations, and even passions, or she will never be +able to stir the soul of her audience. + +Can you imagine Lady Macbeth, Camille, Fedora, Phedre, La Tosca, +Brunnehilde, played by young innocent virgins or by attentive and +devoted wives who mend their husbands' stockings and make the puddings? +Perhaps you will tell me that Mrs. Kendal does all that, and if you do, +my reply will be, 'Will you please leave me alone with Mrs. Kendal?' + +However, since we have mentioned the name of that great actress, I will +quote her, and repeat what she said to me one day: 'It is a general rule +with me never to engage married couples in my company; whenever I have +done so I have had trouble. I want both men and women to act in my +plays without having to mind what their wives or husbands may look like +in the wings while they are making love on the stage.' + +The husband of an actress is nine times out of ten an intolerable bore. +He is jealous when she rehearses, he is jealous when she plays, he is +jealous when the audience applauds her, he is jealous when she receives +bouquets, he is jealous and suspicious if the manager increases her +salary, he is jealous during the intervals, he makes scenes to her when +she returns home, and, if he does not, he sulks, which is worse, because +the man who consumes his own smoke is far less bearable than the one who +'has it out' and has done with it. Even if he is not all that, he has +that feeling, which we can quite understand, that his wife belongs to +the authors of the play, to the manager of the theatre, to the public, +to the critics--in fact, to everybody except himself. + +No, actresses should certainly not marry unless they marry actors, but +as a rule they do not, and will not. + +The actor may be a hero to the susceptible matinée girl, who sees him as +Othello, Hamlet, Romeo, Henry V., d'Artagnan, or some other romantic +swashbuckler, but he is no hero to the woman who dwells in the +dressing-room next to his, and who knows that he is putting on his wig, +smearing his face with grease-paint, making-up his eyes, and covering +his face with violet-powder with a puff, which he handles in ladylike +manner. The actor loses in the eyes of an actress all the prestige which +is due to mystery and imagination, and which constitutes the primary +and fundamental element of the attraction of one sex for the other. I +have never met actresses of standing who had admiration for actors as +men, much as they might praise them as members of their profession. + +Ninety-nine times out of a hundred the marriage of an actress is a +mistake, a remorse, or an act of folly. An actress, in order to +interpret the works of dramatists, should love, love passionately, +dream, suffer even terribly, in order to be able to incarnate love, +voluptuousness, suffering, and despair. The drama is the reflection of +humanity; the art of the actress should be the reflection of all the +different passions that have stirred her own heart and soul. + +Another thing: The public takes a greater personal interest in a woman +who is not married than in one who is. Actresses know this so well that, +when they are married, they insist on having their names put on the +bills as Miss So-and-So. When they do not, managers make them do it. + +For art's sake, for her own sake, and, remembering the remark of the +magistrate, I will add, for her husband's sake, an actress should not +marry. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +A MATRIMONIAL BOOM + + +There is quite a boom in the French matrimonial market just at present, +and not marriages of convenience either, but real good love matches. +Young girls elope with respectable young men holding good positions in +order to compel their parents to give their consent. Sons now inform +their fathers and mothers that they have, without their help or even +their meddling, chosen wives for themselves. It is an open state of +rebellion against the old state of affairs in France. + +Hitherto there were practically only two kinds of marriages among the +upper classes and the good bourgeoisie of France: the marriage of +convenience from which love was excluded, and the marriage for love, +which, nine times out of ten, was a _mésalliance_. And, to do justice to +the old system, let me say that, as a rule, the marriages of convenience +turned out to be much happier than _mésalliances_, which generally +consisted in marrying mistresses--that is to say, according to Balzac, +in changing tolerably good wine into very sour vinegar. However, in +these marriages of convenience, arranged by families, the social +position of the bridegroom and the dot of the bride were the first +considerations, and these couples, after being married, often discovered +they were made one for the other, and more than one husband won his wife +by courting, and really fell in love with her. In cases of +_mésalliance_, after the hours of passion had gone, the husband +discovered that all his prospects in life were destroyed through being +married to a woman he would never be able to make acceptable to the +people of the set he belonged to, and often despair followed disgust, +for woe to married people if either of them has the slightest cause for +being ashamed of the other! + +But things are being changed, and a splendid sign of the times it is, +too. Young Frenchmen now seek wives among the families of their own +stations in life, court them, and make up their minds to marry them, +and, what is best of all, parents begin to realize that, after all, it +is their sons, and not themselves, who marry, and that it is they who +should make their choices. + +I believe that this new state of things, which I hope, for my country, +will last, and even yet improve, is greatly due to the influence of the +Anglo-Saxons, English and Americans, whose freedom in matrimonial +matters is getting more and more familiar to the French through reading +and travelling. + +Like the Anglo-Saxons, they begin to see the practical side of +matrimony. The young Frenchman says to himself: 'I do not send my father +to my tailor to choose the clothes I am to wear, and I do not see why I +should allow him to go and choose for me the girl I am to marry.' + +There are other reasons which may also be due to the ever-increasing +influence of Anglo-Saxon manners and customs on France. The French girl +is every day getting freer. She is no longer cloistered, as it were, at +home and at school. She now frequents the society of young men, gets +better acquainted with them, and on more intimate terms than before. She +is more independent, feels more confidence in herself, knows more of +life than before, and the consequence is that she is better able to +provoke the love which she desires to inspire in a man of her choice. + +There may also be an economical reason which incites young Frenchmen to +seek love in matrimony instead of outside of it. They have been +observing their elders, and come to the right conclusion that real love +and respectable women are much more within their means than sham love +and disreputable women. A charming companion, who is at the same time a +sweet mistress and counsellor, a careful housekeeper and a devoted wife, +appears to them in her true light--the best article in the market. +Besides, they realize that the man who is married has a social advantage +over the one who is not. The man who marries a girl of his own society +can now explain that he married her simply because he loved her, without +thinking that he has to apologize for his action by mentioning what a +good stroke of business he has made. + +Most men of the preceding generation avoided matrimony as they would +have avoided ridicule. The part of husband and father struck them as +unpleasant and too _petit bourgeois_. Literature and the drama helped to +fill them with this notion; but now literature and the drama are getting +optimistic. We are getting over the period of problem novels and plays, +in which all the morbid diseases of the heart were dissected. The heroes +of novels and plays begin to get married without ceasing to be +interesting, and the result is that the present generation of France is +getting more healthy and more cheerful. This is most hopeful for France, +for the regeneration seems to take place in every class of society. The +friends of France will rejoice in this evolution. I have always +maintained, and still maintain, that it is the educational system that +explains the prosperity of the Anglo-Saxon race, and that absolute +freedom for men to marry the women they love explains its strength and +its marvellous vitality. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +LOVE WITH WHITE HAIR + + +Don't smile. If there is a love absolutely beautiful, almost holy, it is +love with white hair. If conjugal tenderness deserves at all the name of +love, it is at that time of life when it becomes idealized and purified. +If two hearts can, in this world, beat in perfect unison, it is the two +hearts of old married couples united by a whole life of tender intimacy. +Love, in getting old, does not become repulsive--like an old beau, who, +with dyed hair and moustache perfumed, thinks he can pass for a handsome +young man. In those kisses, which are no longer given on the lips, but, +with sweet reverence, are discreetly given on the hand or on the +forehead, in the effusions of an old married couple, I see the most +profound and most holy of human tenderness. + +They are no more lovers, but they are friends who cannot for a single +moment forget that they were lovers, and who spend the winter of their +lives in sweet remembrance of the beautiful spring, the glorious summer, +and the restful, sober autumn they enjoyed together. + +This final sublime love may be rare, but it does exist; it is the reward +of concessions made and of faults forgiven; the reward of cheerfulness, +the result of long years spent together, sharing the same joys, the same +sorrows, and the same dreams. Tactful, refined, they are at this very +moment as thoughtful as they ever were before. Each one is the first +consideration in the world to the other. The refinement of their +courtesy to each other is a constant avowal of the esteem they feel; in +their old intimacy they keep the same scruples, the same delicacy as +they did in the first days of their married life. They do not call each +other 'love,' 'darling,' not even, perhaps, by their Christian names, +but 'dear friend'--and they lay on 'dear' an emphasis that shows how +sincere the expression is. + +I tell you that there is no love in which you can find as much poetry as +in the love of those dear couples who for forty or fifty years have +walked side by side loving, respecting, helping each other, dreaming, +praying, suffering together, and whose actions, words, and thoughts have +each added an item to that treasure which they can now count piece by +piece. This long community of hearts, this habit of sharing everything, +has even established between them a physical likeness which would almost +cause you to take them for brother and sister rather than for man and +wife. + +And how children do love these dear old couples! how they feel attracted +toward them! There is a wonderful affinity between very old people and +very young children. Both are alike in many ways: the former have lost +their strength, the latter have not yet got theirs. The world goes in a +circle, and at the end of his career the old man meets the child. They +have sympathy for each other, they understand each other, and the past +and the future are the best of friends. Old people play with children +with their hearts and souls in absolute earnest, without any of those +signs of condescension which children are so quick to detect and to +resent; and I am not prepared to say that the young children enjoy the +play more keenly than do the old ones. + +Oh, if people would early prepare to become old, what pleasures would be +kept in store for them! + +In the peaceful winter of a well-spent life, love with white hair is an +evening prayer that soars to the abode of the seraphs. + + + + +PART III + +RAMBLES EVERYWHERE + + + + +CHAPTER I + +LITTLE MAXIMS FOR EVERYDAY USE + + +It would do most of us a great deal of good to always keep in mind, or +to be now and then reminded of it, lest we should forget it, that, when +we are gone, the earth will not stop, but will continue her course +around the sun. No one is indispensable in this world. + + * * * + +In order to be successful, the cruet-stand should be used with a great +deal of discretion: a little salt always, never any pepper, vinegar very +sparingly, and oil always in plenty. + + * * * + +Never in your dealings with a man let him suppose that you take him for +a fool. If he is not one, he will appreciate your consideration; and if +he is one, he will go about singing your praises. Either way, you will +probably win; at any rate, you can't lose, and that's something. + + * * * + +When you have seen a man enjoying himself telling you a story, never +tell him that you have heard that story before, and, above all, never +tell him that you know a much better version of it, and proceed with it. + + * * * + +Remember that the acknowledged best conversationalists are those who +have the reputation of being good listeners. You will be called +brilliant according to the way in which you will give others a chance to +shine. + + * * * + +People who tell you all the good things that are said of you teach you +nothing new. Listen to criticism, especially that which is fair and +kind; then you may learn something and profit by it. + + * * * + +When there is something nasty said about you in a newspaper, you never +run the slightest risk of not seeing it. There is always a friend, even +at the Antipodes, who will post it to you, well marked in blue pencil at +the four corners. He takes an interest in you, and feels that the +paragraph may not do you any harm in the way of antidote. It doesn't. + + * * * + +When you hear that a man has taken such and such a resolution, take it +for granted, when you feel ready to criticise him, that you are not the +only person in the world who knows what he is about. + + * * * + +The most valuable gift of nature to man is not talent, not even genius, +but temperament and character. If you have both talent and character, +the world will belong to you, if you succeed in making talent the +servant, and not the master, of your character. + + * * * + +The successful man is not the one who seeks opportunities, but the one +who knows how to seize them by the forelock when they present +themselves. The great diplomatist is not the one who creates events, but +the one who foresees them and knows best how to profit by them. + + * * * + +A man may be very clever without being very successful. This happens +when he has more talent than character; but when a man is very +successful, never be jealous of him, for you may take it for absolutely +granted that he possesses qualities which account for his success. + + * * * + +Envy is the worst of evils, the one that pays least, because it never +excites pity in the breast of anyone, and because it causes you to waste +lots of time concerning yourself about other people's business instead +of spending it all minding your own. + + * * * + +Watch your children most carefully, for when they are ten or twelve +years of age you may detect in them signs of defects, or even vices, +which, if developed, instead of checked at once, may prove to be their +ruin. + + * * * + +The key to success in life is the knowledge of value of all things. + + * * * + +It often requires a head more solidly screwed on the shoulders to bear a +great success than to stand a great misfortune. + + * * * + +The knowledge of the most insignificant thing is worth having. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +DO THE BEST WITH THE HAND YOU HAVE + + +It would be absurd to say that there is no such thing as luck. Of +course, there is luck, and fortunate is the man who knows how to seize +it at once by the forelock. + +For instance, it is luck to be born handsome, strong, and healthy; it is +luck to be born rich, or of generous parents who spend a little fortune +in giving you a first-class education. + +What is absurd, however, is to say that you are always unlucky. You +cannot always be unlucky any more than you can always be lucky. When a +man says to you, 'I am pursued by bad luck,' or, 'This is my usual bad +luck,' you know that he is lazy, quarrelsome, unreliable, foolish, or a +drunkard. + +You may be unlucky at piquet a whole evening--even, though seldom, a +whole week; but if you go on playing a whole year every day, you will +find that, out of 365 games, you have won about 180 and lost about 180. +I take it for granted, of course, that you are as good a player as your +opponent. + +There is no more constant luck or constant bad luck in life than there +is at cards, but there is such a thing as good playing with either a +good or bad hand, and in life such a thing as making the best of +fortunate and unfortunate occurrences. A man is bound to have his +chance, and his 'luck' consists in knowing how to avail himself of it. + +Practically every officer has had a chance to distinguish himself one +way or the other, and therefore to be noticed by his chiefs and obtain +promotion. Every artist has seen something which may reveal his talent, +his genius, if he has any. Every good actor is bound to come across a +part which may make his fortune. + +The same may be said of literary men and journalists. Every man in +business, if he keeps a sharp look-out, has a chance for a good +investment that will be the nucleus of his fortune if he knows how to +watch and nurse it carefully. What most men call bad luck is not that +chance does not present itself to them, but simply that they let it go +by and miss it. + +If you want to be lucky in life, force luck and make it yourself. +Believe in yourself, and others will believe in you. + +Rise early, be punctual, reliable, honest, economical, industrious, and +persevering, and, take my word for it, you will be lucky--more lucky +than you have any idea of. + +Never admit that you have failed, that you have been beaten; if you are +down, get up again and fight on. Frequent good company, be sober, +constantly take advice, and refrain from giving any until you have been +asked for it. Be cheerful, amiable, and obliging. Do not show anxiety to +be paid for any good turn you may have the chance of doing to others. +When you have discovered who your real friends are, be true to them, +stick to them through thick and thin. + +Do not waste time regretting what is lost, but prepare yourself for the +next deal. Forget injuries at once; never air your grievances; keep your +own secrets as well as other people's; get determined to succeed, and +let no one, no consideration whatever, divert you from the road that +leads to the goal; let the dogs bark and pass on. According to the way +you behave in life, you will be your greatest friend or your bitterest +enemy. There is no more 'luck' than that in the world. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +BEWARE OF THE FINISHING TOUCH + + +'Leave well enough alone,' as the English say, is a piece of advice +which may be followed with benefit in many circumstances of life. + +How many excellent pictures have been spoiled by the finishing touch! +How often have I heard art critics, after examining a beautiful +portrait, exclaim, 'H'm, léché!' Well, I cannot translate that French +art expression better than by 'Too much retouched--too well finished!' +This is a fault commonly found in women's portraits. + +How many fortunes have been lost because people, instead of being +satisfied with reasonable profits, waited for stocks to go still higher, +and got caught in a financial crash! + +Even in literature I see sad results, when authors follow too closely +that principle laid down by Boileau for the elaboration of style: +'Polish and repolish it incessantly.' + +Alas! how many stilted lines are due to the too strict obedience to this +advice! What is too well finished often becomes far-fetched and +unnatural. + +How many sauces have been spoiled by cooks trying to improve what was +already very good! + +How many wings have been singed for not knowing how to keep at a +respectful distance from the fire or the light! + +No doubt there is such a thing as perfection; but who is perfect and +what is perfect in this world, except that ineffable lady who, some +weeks ago, took me severely to task for having written an article in +which I advised my readers to be good, but not to overdo it? + +The firmaments are perfect, some flowers are perfect, but these are not +the work of man. Nature herself seems to have divided her gifts so as to +have no absolute perfection in her creatures. The nightingale has song, +but no plumage; the peacock has plumage, but his voice makes you stop +your ears. + +And the women! Well, yes, the women--let us speak of them. + +Which of us, my dear fellow-men, has not admired a woman of ours whose +toilet was finished? We thought she looked beautiful then, we admired +her, and we put on our gloves proudly, saying: + +'She is coming.' Yet she did not come. True, her hat was on and fixed +when we saw her, and we thought that she was ready. Not a bit of it. She +was not. + +After she has finished dressing, and is absolutely ready to go out, she +will begin to fret and potter about in her room for another hour. She +goes from looking-glass to looking-glass. That is the time when she +thinks of the finishing touches. + +She pulls her hat a little more to the right, then a little more to the +left, in order to ascertain how that hat can be improved. She touches +and retouches her hair. + +Her complexion is beautiful, a natural rosy pink, for which she ought to +return thanks, all day long, to the most generous and kind Nature who +gave it to her. But, at the last moment, she thinks that this, too, +might be improved. + +So she rubs her cheeks and puts more powder on them. The rubbing makes +her cheeks so red that she has to subdue the colour. She works and +works, and now takes it into her head that, being warm, her nose must be +shining. + +She takes the puff and puts powder on it. An hour before she was a woman +who, in your eyes at all events, could not very well be improved. + +Now she is ready, and emerges from her apartment. Her hair is undone +behind and ruffed in front, her hat is too straight, and her face looks +made-up. The rubbing has changed her lovely pink complexion into a sort +of theatrical purple red. + +You feel for her, because, being very proud of her complexion, you do +not want your friends--you do not want anybody--to say: 'Oh, she is +made-up.' And you own that she looks it, and altogether she does not +look half so well as she did when she had finished dressing, and had not +begun the finishing touches. + +Beware, ladies! Many a most beautiful woman has been spoiled by the +finishing touches. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +THE SELFISHNESS OF SORROW + + +Real sorrow is no more expressed by the correctness of a mourning attire +and the despair written on a face than true religious fervour is +expressed by the grimaces that are made at prayer-time. + +Just as we are told in the Gospel to look cheerful and not to frown and +make faces when we pray, just so, I believe, those who have gone before +us would advise us not to advertise the sorrow we feel at their loss, +but keep it in restraint, and not surround ourselves, and especially not +compel those who are living with us to be surrounded, with gloom. + +The outward signs of sorrow are often exaggerated and not uncommonly +nothing but acts of selfishness. The memory of the departed is better +respected by control over the most sincere sorrow, and children, young +ones especially, who cannot at their age realize the loss they have +sustained, have a right to expect to be brought up in that cheerfulness +which is the very keynote of the education of children. + +The real heroine is the woman who leaves her grief in her private +apartments and appears smiling and cheerful before her children. The +best way to serve the dead is to live for the living. There is no +courage in the display of sorrow; there is heroism in the control of it. + +Great hearts understand this so well that many of them, like the late +Henry Ward Beecher, desire in their wills that none of their relatives +should wear mourning at their death. There is a great difference between +being in mourning and being in black, and I often suspect that the more +in black a person is the less in mourning he or she is. + +To be able to attend minutely to all the details of a most correct +mourning attire almost shows signs of recovery from the depth of the +sorrow. + +But even when our sorrow is deeply felt and perfectly sincere is it not +an act of selfishness on our part to impose it, to intrude it, on +others--even on our nearest relatives? + +I admire the Quaker who, quietly, without attracting the attention of +anyone at table, silently says grace before taking his meal. + +How favourably he compares with the host who invites every one of his +guests to bend their heads, and to listen to him while he delivers a +long recital of all the favours he has received from a merciful God, and +of all the favours he expects to receive in the future! + +The first is a Christian, the second a conceited Pharisee. There is as +much selfishness in an exaggerated display of sorrow as there is in any +act that is indulged in in order to more or less command admiration. + +The truly brave and courageous people are modest in their countenance; +the truly religious are tolerant and forgiving; the truly great are +forbearing, simple, and unaffected; the truly sorrowful remember that +their griefs are personal; before strangers they are natural and even +cheerful, and before their children they are careful to appear with +cheerful and smiling faces. + +After all, the greatest virtue, the greatest act of unselfishness, is +self-control. Sorrow gives man the best opportunity for the display of +this virtue. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE RIGHT OF CHANGING ONE'S MIND + + +A woman's prerogative, it is said, is the right of changing her mind. +How is it that she so rarely avails herself of it when she is wrong? + +It should be the prerogative of a man also. 'What is a mugwump?' once +asked an American of a Democrat. 'It's a Republican who becomes a +Democrat,' was the answer. 'But when a Democrat becomes a Republican, +what do you call him?' 'Oh, a d---- fool!' quickly rejoined the +Democrat. + +We forgive people for changing their opinions only when they do so to +espouse our views, otherwise they are, in our eyes, fools, scoundrels, +renegades, and traitors. + +To my mind the most dignified, praiseworthy, manly act of a man is to +change his opinions the moment he has become persuaded that they are +wrong. To acknowledge to be in the wrong is an act of magnanimity. To +persist in holding views that one knows to be wrong is an act of +cowardice. To try to impose them on others is an act of indelicacy. The +successful man is the opportunist who does what he thinks to be right at +the moment, whatever views he may have held on the subject before. + +When, in full Parliament, Victor Hugo and Lamartine declared that they +ceased to be Royalists, and immediately went to take their seats on the +Opposition benches, their honesty and manliness deserved the applause +they received. + +Gladstone, who died the greatest leader of the Liberal party, began his +political life as a Tory Member of Parliament. Disraeli, Earl of +Beaconsfield, who for years was the chief of the Tory party, began his +public career as Radical member for Maidstone. + +Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, to-day practically the leader of the +Conservative party, not only was an advanced Radical, but a Republican. +Up to about eighteen years ago, the comic papers never failed to +represent him with a Phrygian cap on. + +Every man can be mistaken in politics as well as in science, just as he +can for a long time be mistaken in his friends. + +The more you study, the more independence of mind you acquire. Events +take a new aspect, and strike you in a different light. With age, +judgment becomes more sober: you weigh more carefully the _pros_ and +_cons _of all questions, and you often arrive at the conclusion that +what you honestly believed to be right is absolutely wrong. And it is +your duty to abide by your conclusions. + +The greatest crimes in history were committed by irreconcilable men who +lacked moral courage and dared not admit that they were not infallible. +Philip II. of Spain was one. + +That irreconcilable Imperialist, M. Paul de Cassagnac, wrote the other +day: 'When a statesman, a leader of men, perceives that he has made a +mistake, he has only one thing left for him to do: disappear altogether +from the scene, for, having deceived himself, he has been guilty of +deceiving others.' + +The aim of man--of the leader of men especially--is to seek truth at any +price. + +Some men proudly say at the top of their voices: 'I swear by the faith +of my ancestors, what I thought at twenty I think now. I have never +changed my opinions, and, with God's help, will never change them.' + +Those men believe themselves to be heroes; they are asses, and if they +are leaders of men, they are most dangerous asses. + +To live and learn should be the object of every intelligent man whose +eyes are not blinded by conceit or obstinacy. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +WHAT WE OWE TO CHANCE + + +Pascal once said that if Cleopatra's nose had been half an inch shorter +the face of the world would have been changed. If we read history, or +even only use our own recollections, we can get up an interesting and +sometimes amusing record of more or less important events which are +entirely due to chance or most insignificant incidents. + +To begin with my noble self. On August 30, 1872, I went to the St. +Lazare station in Paris to catch a train to Versailles. At the foot of +the stairs I met a friend whom I had not seen for a long time. He took +me to the café, and there, over a cup of coffee, we chatted for half an +hour. I missed my train; but fortunately for me I did, for that train +which I was to have caught was a total wreck, and thirty lives were lost +in the accident. + +A lady whom I knew many years ago once eloped with a young man she had +fallen in love with. Now, this was very wicked, because she was married. +It was on a cold December day. When both arrived at the hotel where they +were going to stay, they found no fire in their apartment, and ordered +one to be made at once. While this was going on they both caught a cold, +and were seized with an endless fit of sneezing. They thought that they +looked so ridiculous--well, the lady did, at any rate--that she ordered +her trunk to be taken to the station immediately. She caught the next +train to Paris, and never did I hear that she was guilty of any escapade +ever after. But for that fire that was not lit, all would have been +lost. + +At the inquest which a few days ago was held over the body of Mrs. Gore, +the American lady who was shot accidentally while in the room of her +Russian friend, it was discovered that the bullet had struck the eye +without even grazing the eyelid. The experts came to the conclusion that +if she had been murdered, or had committed suicide, she would have +blinked, and her eyelids would have been touched by the bullet. But for +this marvellous occurrence, the young Russian would have been tried for +murder, and perhaps found guilty. + +An Australian of my acquaintance some years ago wrote to his broker +ordering him to sell 500 shares in the Broken Hill Mining Company. The +servant to whom the letter was given mislaid it, and only screwed up his +courage to tell his master two days later. In the meantime the shares +had gone up, and, so seeing, the Australian waited a little longer +before selling. Then came the boom. Two months after the day on which he +had ordered his broker to sell the 500 shares at 40s. apiece these +shares were worth £96. He sold, and through the carelessness of his +servant became a rich man. This is luck, if you like. + +The late Edmond About, the famous French novelist, came out first of the +Normale Supérieure School. As such he was entitled to be sent to the +French school at Athens for two years before being appointed professor +in some French Faculty. About had a humorous turn of mind. Instead of +studying ancient Greece at Athens, he studied the modern Greeks. After +his two years he returned with the manuscripts of two books, +'Contemporary Greece' and 'The Mountain King,' which were such successes +that he immediately resigned his professorship to devote his time to +literature. If, instead of coming out first, he had come out second, he +would never have been sent to Athens, and About would probably have +spent his life as a learned Professor of Greek or Latin at one of our +Universities. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +WE NEEDN'T GET OLD + + +'When my next birthday comes,' once said to me Oliver Wendell Holmes, 'I +shall be eighty years young.' And he looked it--young, cheerful, with a +kind, merry twinkle in his eyes. + +'And,' I said to him, 'to what in particular do you attribute your +youth? To good health and careful living, I suppose?' + +'Well, yes,' he replied, 'to a certain extent, but chiefly to a cheerful +disposition and invariable contentment, in every period of my life, with +what I was. I have never felt the pangs of ambition.' + +'You needn't,' I remarked. 'The most ambitious man would have been +content with being what you have been--what you are.' + +'Happiness, which has contentment for its invariable cause, is within +the reach of practically everyone,' the amiable doctor asserted. 'It is +restlessness, ambition, discontent, and disquietude that make us grow +old prematurely by carving wrinkles on our faces. Wrinkles do not appear +on faces that have constantly smiled. Smiling is the best possible +massage. Contentment is the Fountain of Youth.' + +That same evening he was the guest at a banquet given by a Boston club, +to which I had been kindly invited. When he rose to make a speech, they +cheered and applauded to the echo. His face was radiant, beautiful. +After he sat down, I said to him: + +'Are you not tired of cheers and applause, after all these years of +triumphs?' + +'No,' he replied; 'they never cheer loud enough, they never applaud long +enough to please me.' + +Oliver Wendell Holmes was right; he had found the key to happiness. + +The philosophers of all ages have deservedly condemned that universal +discontent and disquietude which runs through every rank of society and +degree of life as one of the bitterest reproaches of human nature, as +well as the highest affront to the Divine Author of it. + +If we look through the whole creation, and remark the progressive scale +of beings as they rise into perfection, we shall perceive, to our own +shame, that every one seems satisfied with that share of life that has +been allotted to it, man alone excepted. He is pleased with nothing, +perpetually repining at the decrees of Providence, and refusing to enjoy +what he has, from a ridiculous and never-ceasing desire for what he has +not. + +He is ambitious, restless, and unhappy, and instead of dying young at +eighty, dies old at forty. He misses happiness which is close at hand +all his lifetime. The object which is at a distance from him is always +the most inviting, and that possession the most valuable which he cannot +acquire. With the ideas of affluence and grandeur he is apt to associate +those of joy, pleasure, and happiness. + +Because riches and power may conduce to happiness, he hastily concludes +that they must do so. Alas! pomp, splendour, and magnificence, which +attend the great, are visible to every eye, while the sorrows which they +feel escape our observation. Hence it arises that almost every condition +and circumstance of life is considered preferable to our own, that we so +often court ruin and do our very best to be unhappy. + +We complain when we ought to be thankful; we weep when we ought to +rejoice; we fidget and fret. Instead of smiling, which keeps the cheeks +stretched and smooth, we frown, which keeps them contracted and engraves +wrinkles on them. + +Instead of looking at the rosy side of things, which makes the eyes +clear and bright, we run after the impossible or the unlikely to happen, +which makes us look gloomy. In short, I may say that old age is of our +own make, for youth is placed at our disposal for ever and ever. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE SECRET OF OLD AGE + + +The organs of man are like the works of a clock. If they are not used, +they rust; and when, after a period of rest, it is attempted to set them +in motion again, the chances are that the human machine will work badly, +or not at all. + +Therefore, wind up your clock always and regularly, and it will keep +going. This does not apply only to your bodily clock, but to your mental +one as well. + +Persons who work regularly, and, above all, in moderation, especially +those who maintain the activity of their physical and mental faculties, +live longer than those who abandon active life at the approach of old +age. + +Do not stop taking bodily exercise. Go on having your walk and your +ride; go on working steadily; go on even having your little smoke, if +you have always been used to it, without ever abusing it--in fact, if +your constitution is good, forget that you are advancing in age; go on +living exactly as you have always lived, only doing everything in more +and more moderation. Busy people live much longer than idle ones. +Sovereigns who lead a very active life live long. + +See the Pope! Moltke, Bismarck, Disraeli, Carlyle, Victor Hugo, +Gladstone, Ruskin, Littré, Darwin, De Lesseps, Renan, Pasteur--all great +workers--died nearly eighty or over eighty years of age. + +It is not work, but overwork, that may kill; it is not smoking, but +inveterate smoking, that hurts; it is not a little drinking that does +any harm, but too much indulgence in drink which kills. + +Mrs. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, who died only a short time ago, was writing +brilliant articles for the New York _American_ only a few days before +her death; maybe, she was writing one an hour before it. + +Her death at the age of eighty-seven may furnish a moral lesson to those +who desire a long life. She died in complete possession of her mental +and physical faculties. + +At eighty-five, Gladstone was felling trees in his garden and writing +articles on Homer and theology as a rest from his political labours. At +eighty-two, De Lesseps was riding three hours every day in the Bois de +Boulogne. At ninety-eight, Sidney Cooper was exhibiting pictures at the +Royal Academy. + +Yes, so long as the human machine is kept well oiled and regularly wound +up, it goes; and not only do active bodies and minds who go on working +live long, but they live happily and die peacefully, and they also make +happy all those who live with them. + +It was a lovely sight to see De Lesseps ride and drive with a troop of +grandchildren and great-grandchildren. The youngest and most boisterous +member of the party was the old gentleman, and all that band of joyous +youngsters adored him. + +The man of healthy body and active mind, who abandons work at fifty, +even at sixty, prepares himself for a life of mere vegetation. + +Let him stop remunerative work, if he does not find it congenial, and +has enough or more than he wants to live upon, but let him immediately +trace out for himself a programme of life that will enable him to keep +his body and mind active, or let him look out for dyspepsia, gout, +rheumatism, paralysis, stiffness of the joints, and the gradual loss of +his mental faculties. + +'I am sorry to be getting an old man,' once remarked Ferdinand de +Lesseps, 'but what consoles me is the thought that there is no other way +of living a long time.' + +It is activity, it is work, that keeps you young, healthy, cheerful, and +happy; it is work--thrice blessed work--that makes you feel that you are +not a useless piece of furniture in this world, and makes you die with a +smile on your face. Work, work again, work always! + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +ADVICE ON LETTER-POSTING + + +1. When you go out with the intention of posting a letter, be sure you +do not put it in your pocket, or the odds are ten to one that you will +return home with it. + +2. Always address the envelope before you write a letter. + +3. If you write love-letters to two different women, be careful to +enclose the first one in its properly addressed envelope before you +begin writing the second one, or Maria may receive the letter intended +for Eliza, and _vice versâ_. + +4. Do not apologize in your postscript for having forgotten to stamp +your letter. It might get you found out. + +5. If you have written an important letter, or one containing money, put +it in the letter-box yourself. If anything wrong happens to it, you will +have no one to accuse or suspect. + +6. When you send currency by post, do not let anyone know it by having +the letter registered. Money stolen through the post has always been +abstracted from registered letters. I have never heard of one letter of +mine not being delivered in Europe and in America. People never take +their chance. They never open a letter unless they know there is money +in it. How can they know if you are careful in concealing paper money +under cover? Never label your letters, 'There is money in it.' + +7. If you post a letter, which you do not want anybody to read except +the person to whom it is addressed, do not forget to write your name and +address on the back of the envelope, so that, if not delivered, or +mislaid, it may be returned to you unopened. + +8. If you want an important letter to be delivered in New York at a +determined time, take my advice: Post that letter, in the city, +twenty-four hours before the said determined time. + +9. Never, or very seldom, in some exceptional cases, answer a letter by +return post, even if the request be made. Always take twenty-four hours +for consideration. Besides, it will give you the appearance of being a +very busy man, which is always a splendid advertisement. + +10. When you enclose a bill or a cheque in a letter, pin it to the +letter, that it may not drop when the envelope is opened, and before +posting it feel the letter-box inside to see that it is not choked. + +11. If you write a letter of a private nature--words of love that you +would be sorry for everyone to read except the lady you are addressing, +put a blank sheet of notepaper around the letter. Most envelopes are +transparent, and may disclose your secrets. + +12. Always read twice the address you have written on your envelopes. +Apply the same process to your letters; your time will not be wasted. + +13. When you write to a friend, do not inquire about his health and that +of his family after your signature. It would look like an afterthought. + +14. Ladies, whose minds are full of afterthoughts, generally write the +most important part of their letters in the postscript. I once received +a letter, in a woman's handwriting, the signature of which was unknown +to me. At the end of sixteen pages of pretty prattle there was a +postscript: 'You will see by my new signature that I am married.' + + + + +CHAPTER X + +ON PARASITES + + +Steer clear once for all of useless people and parasites of all +sorts--bores, who make you waste your time; indelicate people, who +borrow money when they do not know whether they will be able to return +it; swindlers, who know perfectly well they will never pay you back a +penny. Elbow your way out of all those frauds--poseurs, spongers, +leeches, fleas, and bugs--who try to fasten themselves to you. + +Be generous, and help a friend in need; devote a reasonable portion of +your income to the hospitals, charitable institutions, and the sufferers +from public calamities; after that, attend to yourself and to all those +who live around you and depend on you for their comfort and happiness. + +Bang your door in the face of people who, in your hour of success, come +to treat you with a few patronizing sneers in order to take down your +pride. Kick down your stairs, even if you live on the tenth floor, the +man with an alcoholic breath who calls to tell you that, as you are a +fortunate man, it is your duty, and should be your pleasure, to help +those who have no luck. + +Life is too short to allow you to play the part of a friend to the whole +human race. Concern yourself about interesting and deserving people; +cultivate the friendship of pleasant men and women, who brighten up your +life, and that of useful ones, who may occasionally give you the lift +you deserve. Attend to your business; carefully watch over the interests +of those who have a right to expect you to keep them in comfort, and +dismiss the rest, even from your thoughts. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +ADVICE-GIVING + + +Advice is a piece of luxury thoroughly enjoyed by the one who gives it. +If you want to be popular with your friends, do them all the good turns +you can. Lend them your money if you have a surplus to spare, and which +you can comfortably make up your mind to the loss of, but give them +advice when they ask you for it. + +People who are lavish of advice are seldom guilty of any other act of +generosity. If, however, you cannot resist the temptation of +advice-giving, be sure, at least, that you give it in time. People who +keep on saying to their friends, 'I told you so,' are the most +aggravating bores in the world. + +If a little boy wants to venture on a dangerous piece of ice, give him a +warning and advise him not to go, but if he disregards your advice and +falls into a hole, rescue him and wait until he is quite well again +before you say to him, 'I told you so.' + +Of all your best friends, your wife is the last person to whom you +should say, 'I told you so.' These four words have killed happiness in +matrimonial life more than any number of blasphemous words put +together. + +A wife forgives a few hot words uttered in moments of bad temper or +passion, but there is something cold, sneering, provoking, blighting, +assertive, presumptive in 'I told you so,' which gives you an unbearable +air of superiority and self-satisfaction. + +When you are already upset, dissatisfied with yourself, ready to take +your revenge out of anyone who takes advantage of your awkward and +unenviable position, 'I told you so' is the drop that causes the cup to +overflow. + +The amateur advice-giver is a nuisance, a fidget, a kill-joy, and an +unmitigated bore. Men avoid him, women despise him, and children mind +him until he is out of sight. To the latter he sets up as a model, and +always begins his admonitions with the inevitable 'When I was a boy.' +Then they know what is coming, and giggle--when they do not wink. + +Advice given by old folks to children sows as much valuable seed as do +sermons on congregations, with this difference to the advantage of +congregations, that they can close their eyes during a sermon in order +to take it in better, whereas children cannot do the same for fear of +being called rude and of being punished for it. + +Among other advice-givers whom I have in my mind's eye, I remember the +one who calls on me the day after I have given a lecture in order to +make suggestions which 'I might use with advantage the next time I give +this lecture.' Also the one who calls to advise me to introduce a +'reminiscence of his,' which I might use on the platform to illustrate +a point, and which 'reminiscence of his' I have heard for twenty years +and know to be part of a classic on the subject. + +The chairman who, before I go on the platform, advises me how to use my +voice in order to be well heard by all the members of the audience, a +piece of advice which I thoroughly appreciate, as I have lectured only +3,000 times--well, over 2,500 times, to be perfectly exact. + +I even remember one who criticised my pronunciation of a French word in +my lecture, and suggested his as an improvement. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +ON HOLIDAYS + + +Holidays are an institution established to keep you reminded every year +that one is really happy and comfortable at home only. Oh! the board and +lodging, advertised comfortable and moderate, which you leave with +pleasure because the board was the bed! Oh! the little house with +creepers from which you 'flee' because you discover that the creepers +are inside! And the sofas and chairs stuffed with the pebbles from the +beach, and the bad cooking, and the smiles of the head waiter, of the +waiters, of the chambermaid, of the hall porter, of the baggage porter, +all of whom have to be tipped! And the extras on the bill! How you rub +your hands with delight when at last you are in the train on the way to +that dear home of yours, where you are going to sleep in your lovely +bed, sit on your comfortable chairs, stretch on your soft sofa, eat the +appetizing, simple, and healthy meals of your good cook, where, on a +rainy day, you will go and take down a favourite book from the shelves +of your library; where you are going to be all the time surrounded by +your own dear belongings, able to look at your pictures, at your china; +where you are going to put again in their usual places the photographs +of all your friends; in fact, where you are going to live once more, +after an interval necessary to your health, perhaps, through the rest +from work and the change of air it has afforded you, but for all that an +interval, nothing but an interval in life. + +The only enjoyable holidays that I know are either those spent in a +house of your own which you may possess in the country or by the sea, or +those spent in travelling, making the acquaintance of new, interesting +and picturesque countries; but these holidays are only within the reach +of the privileged few. + +Very often loving couples, fearing they should get too much accustomed +to each other, part for a few days, just for the sake, epicures that +they are, of experiencing the ineffable joy of meeting again and of +proving to themselves that each one is absolutely indispensable to the +other--a fact which, although they may be well aware of it, is always +pleasant to be reminded of. The holidays are to the home what the +parting for a few days is to the loving couples--a reminder of the +priceless treasure which you possess, and which you do not always +sufficiently appreciate. + +Think of your children, too, especially of those young boys who are +boarders at school or college and can only know the joys of home life +during their holidays. How they would prefer going to their own homes, +playing with their own things, looking after their animals, to being +trotted out and taken to a hotel where children are not tolerated to do +this or allowed to do that! When parents live in a house of their own, +and in the country, it is absolutely wicked of them not to let their +children enjoy their holidays at home. They should remember that if +their children at school long for holidays, it is not because they are +tired of their work, it is because they are homesick. + +And young people just married always think that the best way of +beginning the matrimonial journey is to have a holiday and travel, +although, maybe, the thoughtful bridegroom has prepared a delightful +nest for his bride. + +'Where should I spend my honeymoon?' I have often been asked by young +men not rich enough to go and spend it in the expensive resorts. I have +invariably answered, 'Go home and spend it there, you idiot.' + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +EXTRACTS FROM THE DICTIONARY OF A CYNIC + +(_After Jules Noriac_) + + +ALABASTER--Kind of beautiful white marble, so much used in novels for +ladies' necks and shoulders that very little is left for ordinary +consumption. Very rare now in the trade, still very common in poetry. + +ALIBI--An aunt for wives; the club for husbands. + +ARDOUR--Heat, extreme and dangerous. Those who gamble with ardour ruin +their families; those who work with ardour ruin their health; those who +study with ardour go to a lunatic asylum; those who love with ardour get +cured more quickly than others. + +ARGUS--Domestic spy. Juno gave him a cow to look after. With his hundred +eyes he did not find out that the cow was no other than a woman, Io. + +ATTRACTION--Force which tends to draw bodies to each other. Isaac Newton +thought he had discovered the principle of universal attraction when he +watched an apple fall. Eve had discovered it five thousand years +earlier. + +AUSTERITY--Self-control which enables a man or a woman to receive a call +from Cupid without inviting him to stay to dinner. + +BOUDOIR--From the French _bouder_ (to sulk). Coquettish little room +where women retire when they have a love-letter to write or any other +reason for wishing to be left alone. + +CANDOUR--A virtue practised by women who do not understand what they +know perfectly well. + +COLLECTION--Hobby. Men collect flies, beetles, butterflies. Women +collect faded flowers, hair, letters, and photographs. + +DUENNA--Old woman who watches over the good conduct of young Spanish +girls and of married women. In the second case, her wages are higher. + +EGOTISM--Piece of ground on which Love builds his cottage. + +LOVE--A disease which mankind escapes with still more difficulty than +the measles. It generally attacks men at twenty and women at eighteen. +Then it is not dangerous. At thirty you are properly inoculated; it is, +as it were, part of your system. At forty it is a habit. After sixty the +disease is incurable. + +TO LOVE--Active verb--very active--the most active of all. + +MYSTERY--The principal food of love. This is probably why elevated souls +have raised love to the level of religion. + +NEST--Sweet abode made for two. He brings soft moss, she a few bits of +grass and straw; then both give the finishing touch by bringing flowers. + +PASSION--Violent affection that always finishes on a cross. + +PLATONIC (LOVE)--A kind of love invented by Plato, a philosopher who sat +down at table only to sleep. Advice: If ever Platonic love knocks at +your door, kick him down your stairs unmercifully, for he is a prince of +humbugs. + +RESOLUTION--A pill that you take every night before going to bed, and +which seldom produces any effect. + +RESPECT--A dish of which women are particularly fond in public, and +which they seldom appreciate in private. How many women would be happier +if their husbands respected them less and loved them more! + +SERVITUDE--Most bitter and humiliating state when it is forced upon us +by poverty; most sweet when it is imposed on a man by the woman whom he +loves. + +TACT--The quality that, perhaps, of all, women admire most in men. The +next is discretion. + +VEIL--Piece of lace which women put over their faces to excite the +curiosity of the passers-by. Women get married with a white veil, but +they always flirt with a black one. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +VARIOUS CRITICISMS ON CREATION + + +I shall never forget the dry way and pitiful manner in which Robert +Louis Stevenson passed a funeral oration on Matthew Arnold. It was on a +Sunday evening, in the early spring of 1888, at a reception given at the +house of Edmund Clarence Stedman, whose poetry and scholarly attainments +excite as much admiration as his warm heart excites love in those who, +like myself, can boast of his friendship. Someone entered and created +consternation by announcing that a cablegram had just reached New York +with the news that Matthew Arnold was dead. 'Poor Matthew!' said +Stevenson, lifting his eyes with an air of deep compassion; 'heaven +won't please him!' + +And it is true that on many occasions that great English writer had +hinted that if the work of the Creation had been given to him to +undertake, it would have proved more successful than it has been. For +that matter, many philosophers of a more or less cynical turn of mind +have criticised the work of Creation. + +Voltaire said that if he had been Jehovah 'he would not have chosen the +Jews.' My late friend, Colonel Robert G. Ingersoll, a Voltairian to the +core, said that if he had been consulted 'he would have made health, not +disease, catching.' Ninon de Lenclos, the veriest woman that ever lived, +said that, had she been invited to give an opinion, 'she would have +suggested that women's wrinkles be placed under their feet.' + +'Everything is for the best in the best of worlds!' exclaims Dr. +Pangloss in Voltaire's famous novel, 'Candide,' but few people are as +satisfied with the world as that amiable philosopher. There are people +who are even dissatisfied with our anatomy, and who declare that man's +leg would be much safer and would run much less risk of being broken if +the calf had been placed in front of it instead of behind. Some go as +far as to say that man is the worst handicapped animal of creation--that +he should have been made as strong as the horse, able to run like the +stag, to fly like the lark, to swim and dive like the fish, to have a +keen sense of smell like the dog, and one of sight like the eagle. Not +only that, but that man is the most stupid of all, the most cruel, the +most inconsistent, the most ungrateful, the most rapacious, the only +animal who does not know when he has had enough to eat and to drink, the +only one who kills the fellow-members of his species, the only one who +is not always a good husband and a good father. + +'Man, the masterpiece of creation, the king of the universe!' they +exclaim. 'Nonsense!' There is hardly an animal that he dares look +straight in the face and fight. No; he hides behind a rock, and, with an +engine of destruction, he kills at a distance animals who have no other +means of defence than those given them by nature, the coward! + +There is not the slightest doubt that the genius of man has to reveal +itself in the discovery of all that may remedy the disadvantages under +which he finds himself placed. Boats, railways, automobiles, balloons, +steam, electricity, and what not, have been invented, and are used to +cover his deficiencies. Poor man! he has to resort to artificial means +in every phase of life. Even clothes he has to wear, as his body has not +been provided with either fur or feathers. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +THE HUMOURS OF THE INCOME-TAX + +(A WARNING) + + +I have often heard Americans say that the future may keep in store for +them the paying of income-tax, and, as a warning to them, I should like +to let them know how this tax is levied in England. + +In theory the income-tax is the most just of taxes, since it compels, or +seems to compel, the people to contribute to the maintenance of their +country in proportion to the income they possess. In reality this tax, +levied as it is in England, is little less than the revival of the +Inquisition. + +And, first of all, let me point out a great injustice, which I trust no +Government will ever inflict on the American people or any other, and +which is this: The income derived from property inherited, or any other +which the idlest man may enjoy without having to work for it, is taxed +exactly the same as the income which is derived from work in business, +profession, or any other calling. + +I maintain that if I have a private income of, say, £2,000, and my work +brings me in another £2,000, the first income ought to be taxed much +more heavily than the second. + +I maintain that if a man enjoys a private income, and does no work for +the community in return for the privilege of the wealth he possesses, he +ought to pay a larger percentage than the man who has to work for every +shilling which he amasses during the year. + +But this is discussing, and in this article I only wish to show how the +free-born Briton is treated in the matter of income-tax. + +A fact not altogether free from humour is that the salary of the English +tax-collector is a percentage of what he can extract from the tax-payer. + +He asks you to send him the amount of your income, and warns you that +you will have to pay a penalty of £50 if you send him a false return. I +have it on the authority of Mr. W. S. Gilbert that every Englishman +sends a false return and cheats his Government; but now a good many men, +I am sure, cannot cheat the Government--those, for example, in receipt +of a salary from an official post, and many others whose incomes it is +easy to find out. + +Of course, some cannot be found out; so that those who cannot conceal +their real and whole income have got to pay for those who can. + +A merchant sends his return, and values it at £10,000. The collector +says to him, if he chooses to do so: 'Your return cannot be right. I +will charge you on £20,000. Of course, you can appeal.' + +The merchant is obliged to lose a whole day to attend the Court of +Appeal, taking all his books with him, in order to prove that the return +he sent is exact. + +Very often he pays double what he owes, so as not to have to let +everybody know that his business is not as flourishing as people think. +But the most amusing side of the whole thing is yet to be told. + +If you sell meat in one shop and groceries in another, and you make +£5,000 in the first shop and lose £3,000 in the second, you must not +suppose that you will be charged on £2,000, the difference between your +profit in the first business and the loss in the second. Not a bit of +it. The two businesses being distinct, you will have to pay on the +£5,000 profit made in the first, and bear your loss in the other as best +you can. + +As an illustration, I will give you a somewhat piquant reminiscence. +Many years ago I undertook to give lectures in England under my own +management. My manager proved to be an incompetent idiot, and I lost +money. + +When I declared my yearly income, I said to the income-tax collector: +'My books brought me an income of so much, but I lost so much on my +lecture tour; my income is the difference--that is, so much.' + +'No,' he said; 'your books and your lectures are two perfectly different +things, and I must charge you on the whole income you derived from the +sale of your books.' + +Then I was struck with a luminous idea, which proved to me that I was +better fitted to deal with the English tax-collector than to manage a +lecture tour. + +'The two things are not at all distinct,' I replied; 'they are one and +the same thing. I gave lectures for the sole purpose of keeping my name +before the public and pushing the sale of my books.' + +'Ah!' he exclaimed, 'you are right. In that case you are entitled to +deduct your loss from the profit.' + +And this is how I got out of the difficulty--a little incident which has +made me proud of my business abilities ever since. + +I was in America last season to give lectures. Instead of lecturing, I +had to be in bed and in convalescence for a month, then undergo an +operation and stay in the hospital for six weeks. + +You may imagine the fine income I derived from my last American tour. On +my return to Europe, I passed through London, and stopped there a week +before coming to Paris. + +I found awaiting me a bill for about £54, a percentage on 'my profit of +£1,000 realized in America.' Now, this was adding insult to injury. I +have the greatest respect for H.M. Edward VII., but I regret that his +officials should have resorted to such means to defray the expenses of +his Coronation. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +HOW TO BE ENTERTAINING + + +To know how to entertain people is a talent; but there is one better, +and which makes you still more popular with your friends and +acquaintances--it is that talent which consists in drawing them out and +allowing them to entertain you. + +I know very clever people, not exactly conceited or assertive, but who +have the objectionable knack of gently sitting upon you. Their opinions +are given with an _ex cathedra_ air that seems to exclude any appeal +against them. + +Sometimes they tell anecdotes very well, and they give you strings of +them, each one bridged over to the other by a 'That reminds me.' They +laugh at their anecdotes heartily, and invite you to do so with such a +suggestion as 'That's a good one, isn't it?' + +You do laugh, and you hope for your reward, that you will be able to +tell a little anecdote yourself. Sometimes they will cut you short and +go on with another; sometimes they will give you a chance, show little +signs of impatience while you give it, and never laugh when you have +finished. + +Worse than that, they will occasionally say: 'Oh yes,' on the tune of 'I +have heard that one before,' or, maybe, 'Why, I am the inventor of it +myself.' I have known such clever people and good anecdote tellers to +prove terrific bores. + +Whether you are discussing a question or merely spending a little time +telling stories over a cup of coffee and a couple of cigarettes, you +like to be allowed to prove alive, and the really entertaining people +are those who know how to make you enjoy yourself as well as their +company. + +You are grateful to those friends who give you a chance of shining +yourself, and there are some who know not only how to draw you out, but +who know how to do it to the extent of making you brilliant. + +Those who make you feel like an idiot are no better than those who take +you for one. Although they do not do it on purpose, the result is +exactly the same as if they did. You find that kind of man in every walk +of life. + +There is the savant who pours forth science by the gallon and talks you +deaf, dumb, and lame. There is the other kind also. I once spent an hour +talking on philology with the greatest professor of the College of +France in Paris. + +I know a little philology, but my knowledge of that science compared to +his is about in the proportion of the length of my little finger to that +of his whole body, and he is over six feet. He put me so much at my +ease; he so many times asked me 'if I didn't think that it was so,' that +for the time being I really felt I was something of a philologist +myself. It was only after I had left him that I realized that I had +learned a great deal from the famous master. + +The nice people of the world are those who make you feel satisfied with +yourself. All the talkers, advice-givers, assertive critics put together +are not worth for your good a considerate friend who gives you a little +praise, or a good, loving woman who, two or three times a day, gives you +a teaspoonful of admiration. + +After all, the greatest reward for our humblest efforts is appreciation, +the greatest incentive is encouragement. What makes us powerless to +achieve anything are the sneers of all the wet-blankets and kill-joys of +this world. + +You do not make a child get on at school by calling him a little idiot +and telling him he will never do anything in his life; you do not impart +bravery into the heart of a timid soldier by treating him as if he were +a coward. + +If a horse is afraid of anything lying on the road, don't whip him, +don't use the spurs; pat him gently on the neck and lead him near the +object to make him acquainted with it. Like that you will cure him of +his shyness. + +Help men with encouragement, praise, and admiration. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +WHAT IS GENIUS? + + +Genius is a form of madness. Early in the Christian era, St. Augustine +declared that there was no genius without a touch of insanity. The human +being who is born without a grain of folly will never be a great poet, a +great novelist, a great painter or sculptor, a great musician, or a +great anything. + +Unless you are erratic, irritable, full of fads, you need not aspire to +attain sublime heights. Homer, Shakespeare, Raphael, Shelley, Wagner +were lunatics. That is why, to my mind, nothing is more absurd, +preposterous, than to go and poke one's nose into the private life of +geniuses. Let us admire the work that their genius has left to us, +without inquiring whether they regularly came home to tea, and were +attentive fathers and faithful husbands. Do we not love Burns and +Shelley? + +Certainly, if I had lived in their times and had a marriageable +daughter, I would have been careful to see that she did not fall in love +with either of them; but what has that to do with their poetry and the +enjoyment of it? + +To this very day, in the autumn of my life, I enjoy the fables of dear +old La Fontaine, and can't help smiling when I am reminded that he was +married, but that he was separated from his wife. She lived in Lyons and +he in Paris. One day they persuaded him to go to Lyons and 'make it up' +with her. + +He started. In those days the journey took five days and five nights. On +the eleventh day after his departure he was back in Paris. 'Well,' they +said to him, 'is it all right?' + +'I could not see her,' replied he, 'when I called at her house. They +told me that she had gone to Mass.' So he came back. + +I once criticised the acting of a well-known actress before good folks, +who said to me: 'Ah, but she is a woman who leads an irreproachable +life!' What do I care about that? I am very glad to hear it, for the +sake of her husband and children; but I would rather go and hear Miss +So-and-so, who stirs my soul to its very depth by her genius, although I +am told, by jealous people, no doubt, that she is not quite as good as +she should be. + +I hear that Sarah Bernhardt travels with either a lion, a bear, or a +snake. Very well, that is her business. She goes to a hotel with her +menagerie, and does not ask you to invite her to stay with you. Is that +a reason for not going to see her play Phedre, Tosca, Fedora, or any +other of her marvellous creations? + +Wagner could not compose his operas unless he had on a red plush robe +and a helmet. What do I care if this enabled him to write 'Lohengrin,' +'Tannhäuser,' and the Trilogy? + +One day Alexandre Dumas, a lunatic of the purest water, called on +Wagner. The latter kept him waiting half an hour. Then he appeared +dressed as Wotan. 'Excuse me, Master,' he said to Dumas, 'I am composing +a scene between the god and Brunnehilde.' + +'Don't mention it, please,' replied Dumas, who, before leaving, invited +him to come and see him in Paris. A few months later Wagner called on +Dumas. The latter kept him waiting a little, and then appeared with +nothing on but a Roman helmet and a shield. + +'Excuse me, Maestro,' he said, 'I am writing a Roman novel.' The two +great geniuses or lunatics were quits. + +I knew a great poet who could no more write good poetry than he could +fly unless he had blue paper. Victor Hugo would have been a failure if +he had not been able always to be provided with very thick pens. + +Balzac could write only on condition he was dressed as a monk, had the +shutters of the room closed, and the lamps lighted. Alfred de Musset +would compose his immortal poetry only when under the influence of +drink. All lunatics, every one. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +NEW AND PIQUANT CRITICISM + + +The Paris _Matin_ has started a new kind of dramatic criticism. The day +after a play has been produced it publishes a criticism of it by the +author himself, or by the manager of the theatre. This is as piquant as +it is novel, and if the French had the sense of humour as keenly +developed as the Americans, the result would be highly diverting. + +Just imagine a play by Mark Twain reviewed and criticised the following +morning in a paper by Mr. Samuel L. Clemens! + +Gentlemen of the American press, take the hint, if you like. + +This new kind of criticism is only a few days old, but the readers of +the _Matin_ have taken to it kindly already. Two well-known men have +inaugurated it. They are Pierre Wolff, the dramatist, and Antoine, the +actor and proprietor-manager of the Antoine Theatre. Both give a very +flattering account of their plays: how beautifully they were acted, how +well they were received, and, after giving a short synopsis of them, +wind up with heartfelt thanks to the actors and actresses who appeared +in them. Everybody is satisfied, author, actors, managers, editor, who +has attracted the notice of the public, and the readers, who are amused +at the new idea, and do not care a jot what critics say of the plays +which they review. + +Why should not books be reviewed in the same way? Why should they not be +reviewed and criticised by the author or the publisher? I should +prefer--by the author. + +I have never read a notice of any of my books, however favourable, which +I did not think I could have done better myself, if I had had to write +it. + +Just imagine, if only for fun, a new novel (pronounced 'novell,' please) +by Hall Caine reviewed by Mr. Hall Caine; or one by Marie Corelli +criticised by that talented lady herself! I say, just think of it! + +We might have the good-fortune to read something in the following style: +'A new novel by myself is one of those literary events which keep the +world breathless, in awful silence, for a long time before it comes to +pass. The first edition of 100,000 copies was exhausted a week before +the book appeared, but a second edition of the same number will be ready +in a day or two. The story is wonderful, colossal, like everything that +comes from the pen of that author, whose genius is as Shakespearian as +his brow, which even reminds one of that of--but perhaps it would be +profane to name.' + +Or something interesting like this: 'His Majesty the King and most +members of the Royal Family ordered copies of this book long before it +was ready for publication, and no doubt to-day, and for many days +following, there will be no other topic of conversation than my book at +Windsor Castle. I should like to call the attention of the reading +public--and who is it that does not read me?--to the fact that this is +the longest book I have yet published. The public will also, I am sure, +forgive me for calling it my best. A mother's last baby is always, in +her eyes, her best.' + +At all events, I salute the new criticism. It should greatly add to the +gaiety of nations. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +ORIGINALITY IN LITERATURE + + +There is very little originality in this world. Even among the greatest +thoughts expressed by famous philosophers, there are very few that had +not been heard before in some form or other. It is the pithy way in +which they are expressed by such men as La Rochefoucauld, La Bruyère, +and Balzac that made the reputation of these great writers. The +characteristics of man and woman have always existed, just as has their +anatomy, and the dissector of the human heart cannot invent anything new +any more than the dissector of the human body. We all know these +characteristics, but what we like is to see a philosopher present them +to us in a new shape. + +Pascal says that the greatest compliment that can be paid to a book, +even to a thought, is the exclamation, 'I could have written that!' and +'I could have said that!' In fact, the author whom we admire most is the +one who writes a book that we 'could' have written ourselves. And we say +'bravo' when a philosopher gives us a thought of our own, only better +expressed than we could have done it, or when he confirms an opinion +that we already held ourselves. + +No; there is nothing original, not even the stories that we hear and +tell in our clubs. They have been told before. I forget who said that +there were only thirty-five anecdotes in the world, seventeen of which +were unfit for ladies' ears. + +Even the characters of fiction are not original. The novelist is, as a +rule, none but a portrait painter, possessed of more or less originality +and talent. Charles Dickens said that there was not a single personage +of his novels whom he had not drawn from life. Thackeray and Balzac, two +observers of mankind of marvellous ability, said the same. Racine +borrowed of Sophocles and Euripides, Molière of Plautus and Terence. +Alexandre Dumas chose his heroes from history, and regifted them with +life with his unequalled imagination. George Eliot's personality +remained a mystery for a long time, but everybody knew that the author +of 'Scenes of Clerical Life' was a native of Nuneaton, or had lived long +enough in that town to introduce local characters who were recognised at +once. The _Dame aux Camélias_, the Camille of the American stage, by +Dumas, junr., was inspired, if not suggested, by _Manon Lescaut_. And is +not the _Adam Bede_ of George Eliot a variation of Goethe's _Faust_? Is +not _Tess_ of Thomas Hardy another? And that marvellous hero Tartarin of +Alphonse Daudet: do you not recognise in him Don Quixote? More than +that, he is a double embodiment, Don Quixote and Sancho Panza in one: +the Don Quixote who dreams of adventures with lions in the desert, of +ascensions on Mont Blanc, of guns, swords, and alpinstocks, and the +Sancho Panza who thinks of wool socks, flannel vests, and a +medicine-chest for the marvellous journeys that are going to be +undertaken--a tremendous creation, this double personage, but not +altogether original. + +Every character has been described in fiction, every characteristic of +mankind has been told; but we like to see those characters described +again with new surroundings; we love to hear the philosophy of life told +over again in new, pleasant, pithy, witty sentences. + +This lack of originality in literature is so obvious, it is so well +acknowledged a fact that authors, novelists, or philosophers have used +mankind for their work, and availed themselves of all that mankind has +written or said before, that the law does not allow the literary man to +own the work of his brain for ever and ever, as he owns land or any +other valuable possession. After allowing him to derive a benefit for +forty or fifty years, his literary productions become common +property--that is to say, return to mankind to whom he owed so much of +them. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +PLAGIARISM + + +La Bruyère said: 'Women often love liberty only to abuse it.' Two +hundred years later Balzac wrote: 'There are women who crave for liberty +in order to make bad use of it.' The thoughts are not great, they are +not even true, but that is not the question. Could such a genius as +Balzac be accused of plagiarism because he expressed a thought +practically in the very words of La Bruyère? I would as soon charge +Balzac with plagiarism as I would accuse a Vanderbilt or a Carnegie of +trying to cheat a street-car conductor out of a penny fare. The heroines +of _Tess_ and _Adam Bede_ practically go through the same ordeals as +Gretchen. Would you seriously accuse Thomas Hardy and George Eliot of +plagiarism, and say that they owed their plots to Goethe's '_Faust_'? + +There are people engaged in literary pursuits, or, rather, in the +literary trade, and, as a rule, not very successful at that, who spend +their leisure time in trying to catch successful men in the act of +committing plagiarism. The moment they can discover in their works a +sentence that they can compare to a sentence written by some other +author, they put the two sentences side by side and send them to the +papers. There are papers always ready to publish that sort of thing. Of +course, respectable papers throw those communications into the +waste-paper baskets. Then, when the papers have published the would-be +plagiarism, the perpetrator marks it in blue pencil at the four corners +and sends it to the author--anonymously, of course. For that matter, +whenever there appears anything nasty about a successful man in the +papers--an adverse criticism or a scurrilous paragraph--he never runs +the slightest risk of not seeing it; there are scores of failures, of +crabbed, jealous, penurious nobodies who mail it to him. It does him no +harm; but it does them good. + +As far as I can recollect I have, during my twenty-one years of literary +life, committed plagiarism four times: twice quite unintentionally, once +through the inadvertence of a compositor, and once absolutely out of +mere wickedness, just to draw out the plagiarism hunter. And I will tell +you how it happened. Once, many years ago, I was reading a book on the +French, written by an American. A phrase struck me as expressing a +sentiment so true, so well observed, that I memorized it, and, +unfortunately, when, several years later, I wrote a series of articles +on France for a London paper, I incorporated the phrase. I was not long +in being discovered. The author of the book, which had never sold, +wrote to all the papers that I had 'stolen his book,' and thought the +correspondence would start a sale for his book. Of course I was guilty, +and I apologized, explaining how it had happened. For years the phrase +had been in my mind--had, as it were, become part and parcel of myself. +May this be a warning to authors who may take too great a fancy to a +thought of theirs well expressed by some other author. It is a very +dangerous practice. Another time I incorporated in a newspaper article a +quotation from Emerson, but the compositor omitted the inverted commas, +and Emerson's sentence read as if it was mine. Of course, no one would +accuse me of choosing Emerson to plagiarize in America, but this article +brought me half a dozen anonymous letters. In one of them there was this +choice bit: 'The second half of the article is by Emerson; the first +half I don't know, but probably not by the author.' Twenty centuries of +Christianity have caused Christians to love one another. But when I +really had a good time was when, deliberately, as I said before, out of +sheer wickedness, I introduced into my text nine lines of Shakespeare. + +I have kept the newspapers that commented on it and the anonymous +letters that were mailed to me. One of them had humour in it. 'My dear +sir,' said the writer, 'when you speak of an incident as being a +personal reminiscence, it is a mistake to borrow it of an author so +widely known for the last three centuries as the late William +Shakespeare.' + +A celebrated literary friend of mine once amused himself in +incorporating twenty lines of Dickens as his own in the midst of an +essay he published in his own paper. + +When he feels dull, he takes from his shelves a scrapbook which contains +the letters and newspaper cuttings referring to the subject. + +When a literary man has a reputation of long standing, never for a +moment accuse him of plagiarism. He may express a thought already +expressed by someone else; he may work out a plot which is not original; +but success that lasts rests on some personal merit. I have never heard +successful men charge any of their brethren of the pen with plagiarism. +Successful men are charitable to their craft, as beautiful women are to +their sex. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +AUTOBIOGRAPHIES AND REMINISCENCES + + +The best writers of memoirs have been the French, and it is through +those memoirs that we know so well and so intimately the reigns of Louis +XIV., Louis XV., and Napoleon I., as well as the history of the +Revolution, the Restoration, and the Second Empire. + +Courtiers, diplomatists, statesmen, and women of the Court, by their +memoirs and letters, have made us acquainted not only with the public +life of Sovereigns, but with all the details of their private life, with +all the Court gossip. + +The French, however, care little or nothing for memoirs that do not make +clear to them some chapter of history. + +The English, on the contrary, have practically no memoirs of that sort. +The only interesting ones that I know are those of Greville. On the +other hand, almost every man of note, literary man, journalist, artist, +actor, publishes his autobiography or his reminiscences. + +While the French only care for the work that a man before the public +has produced, the English like to know how he lived, how he worked, whom +he met, whom he knew, and his appreciation of the character of his more +or less famous friends and acquaintances. + +Why, even the music-hall star publishes his reminiscences in England. +The fact is that, if a man keeps his diary regularly, and knows how to +tell an anecdote well, he can always write a readable book of +reminiscences. + +Among the best books of this sort that I know I would mention those of +the late Edmund Yates and George Augustus Sala; but the best of all is +the one which I do hope will make its appearance one day (although I am +not aware that it is being prepared), and will be signed by the wittiest +raconteur and causeur of England, Mr. Henry Labouchere. + +Try to get Mr. Labouchere in one corner of the smoke-room in the House +of Commons, give him a cup of coffee and some good cigarettes, and just +turn him on; there is no better treat, no more intellectual feast of +mirth and humour and wit in store for you. His style is the very one +suited for a crisp, gossipy, brilliant book of reminiscences. + +Among possible writers of interesting and piquant memoirs or +reminiscences I ought to mention Lady Dorothy Nevil and Lady Jeune. Both +ladies have known in intimacy every celebrity you wish to name--Kings, +Queens, statesmen, generals, prelates, judges, politicians, literary +men, artists, lawyers, actors; there is not a man or woman of fame who +has not supplied an impression or an incident to them. + +And they are the very women to write memoirs, both possessed of keen +judgment and insight in human nature, and of great literary ability, +both delightful conversationalists, always capable of drawing you out +and enabling you to do your best, and thus supplying them with materials +for notes and observations. + +I am not announcing any book, for neither of these two ladies ever +mentioned to me that she was preparing a book of memoirs, but I wish +they would, and I have simply named them as being both capable of +writing books of unsurpassed interest. + +In order to write a good and trustworthy book of reminiscences, you +must, above all, be an observer and a listener, besides a good +story-teller. You must be modest enough to know how to efface yourself, +remain hidden behind the scenes, and put all your personages on the +stage without hardly appearing yourself. + +You must be satisfied with sharing the honours of the book with all your +_dramatis personæ_, and not cause the printing of the volume to be +stopped for want of a sufficient supply of 'I's' and 'me's.' + +I knew a famous actor whose reminiscences were published some years ago +by a literary man. Once I congratulated that actor on the success of the +book. + +'Yes,' he said, 'the book has done me good, because X., you know, +mentions my name once or twice in that book.' + +And many books of reminiscences that I know are full of the sayings and +doings of the author, with an occasional mention of people of whom we +should like to hear a great deal. + +I have met these men in private, and sometimes found them clever, and +invariably fatiguing bores, and their books are not more entertaining +than their conversation. Many of them reminded me of the first visit +that Diderot paid to Voltaire, on which occasion he talked the great +French wit deaf and dumb. + +'What do you think of Diderot?' asked a friend of Voltaire a few days +after that visit. + +'Well,' replied Voltaire, 'Diderot is a clever fellow, but he has no +talent for dialogue.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +THOUGHTS ON HATS + + +The manly man wears his hat slightly inclined on the right, naturally, +without exaggeration, and without swagger. The braggart wears his right +on his ear. Jolly fellows, destitute of manners, and drunkards, wear +theirs on the back of the head; when far gone, the brim of the hat +touches the neck. + +Hypocrites wear theirs over the eyes. Fops wear their hats inclined on +the left. Why? The reason is simple. Of course, they know that the hat, +if inclined, should be on the right; but, unfortunately for them, they +look at themselves in the glass, where the hat inclined on the left +looks as if it were inclined on the right. So they wear it on the left, +and think they have done the correct thing. + +The very proper man and the prig invariably wear their hats perfectly +straight. The scientific man and all men of brains put their heads well +inside their hats; the more scientific the mind is, the deeper the head +goes inside the hat. + +Fools put on their hats with the help of both hands, and simply lay them +on the top of their heads. I suppose they feel that hats are meant to +cover the brain, and they are satisfied, in their modesty and +consciousness of their value, with covering the small quantity of brains +given to them by Nature. + +The absent-minded man is recognised by his hat brushed against the nap, +the tidy man by his irreproachably smooth hat, and the needy man by a +greasy hat. + +A shabby coat is not necessarily a sign that a man is hard up. Many men +get so fond of a coat that they cannot make up their minds to part with +it and discard it; but shoes down at heel and a shabby, greasy hat prove +that their wearer is drowning: he is helpless and hopeless. + +Only the well-off man, who serves nobody, wears a white top-hat; this +hat is the emblem of independence and of success in life. + +Man's station in life is shown from the way he takes off his hat. Kings +and emperors just lift it off their heads. A gentleman takes off his hat +to whoever salutes him. Once a beggar in Dublin saluted the great Irish +patriot, Daniel O'Connell. The latter returned the salute by taking off +his hat to the beggar. + +'How can you take off your hat to a beggar?' remarked a friend who was +with him. 'Because,' he replied, 'I don't want that beggar to say that +he is more of a gentleman than I am.' Parvenus keep their hats on +always, unless before some aristocrat, to whom they cringe. + +The Englishman takes off his hat with a stiff jerk and puts it on again +immediately. The Frenchman takes it off gently, and, before a lady, +remains uncovered until she says to him: 'Couvrez-vous, monsieur, je +vous prie.' + +The Italian takes it off with ceremony, and with his hand puts it nearly +to the ground. Timid men keep rolling their hats in their hands. Very +religious ones pray inside them, making a wry face, as if the emanations +were of an unpleasant character. + +Soldiers and horsemen fix their hats by pressing on the top of the +crown. + + * * * * * + +Men who belong to decent clubs and frequent 'at homes' never need be in +want of a good hat. + +In Paris, in London, and in New York during the season no gentleman can +wear anything but a silk hat after lunch-time. + +When you pay calls, you must enter the drawing-room with your hat in +your hand and keep it all the time, unless you are on very intimate +terms with your host and hostess, when you may leave it in the hall. + +A well-put-on hat is the proof of a well-balanced mind. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +THOUGHTS ON EYE-GLASSES + + +The man who wears spectacles--I mean eye-glasses with branches fixed +behind the ears--is a serious man, a man of science, a man of +business--at all events, a man who thinks of his comfort before he +thinks of his appearance. There is no nonsense, no frivolity about him, +especially if they are framed in gold. He is a steady man, somewhat +prosaic, and even matter-of-fact. If he is a young man and wears them, +you may conclude that he means to succeed, and always look on the +serious side of life. He is no fop, no lady-killer, but a man whose +affections can be relied on, and who expects a woman to love him for the +qualities of his mind and the truthfulness of his heart. + +Next to a solid gold watch and chain, a pair of gold spectacles are the +best testimony of respectability; then comes a sound umbrella. + +The man who wears his eye-glasses halfway down his nose is a shrewd man +of business, who ever bears in mind that time is money. Thus placed, his +eye-glasses enable him to read a letter of introduction, and, above +them, to read and observe the character of the person who has presented +it to him. Lawyers generally wear them that way, and they seldom fail to +have their bureau so placed that they can have their backs to the +window, while their clients or callers are seated opposite in the full +light of the day. + +Old gentlemen wear their eye-glasses on the tip of their noses when they +read their newspaper, because it enables them to recline in their +arm-chairs and assume a more comfortable position. + +The single eye-glass was originally worn by people whose eyes were +different, in order to remedy the defective one. To-day it may be +asserted that, out of a hundred men who wear single eye-glasses, +ninety-nine see through--the other one. The single eye-glass is +tolerable in a man of a certain age who is both clever and _distingué_ +looking. John Bright, with his fine white mass of hair and intelligent, +firm, yet kind expression, looked beautiful with his eye-glass on. Lord +Beaconsfield also looked well with one. To Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, with +his turned-up nose and sneering smile, and his jaw ever ready to snap, +it adds impudence. + +When a man looks silly, the single eye-glass finishes him and makes him +look like a drivelling idiot. If, besides, he is very young, it gives +you an irresistible desire to smack his face or pull his nose. + +The single eye-glass originated in England, but it is now worn in France +quite as much, especially by young dudes, who, lacking the manliness of +young Englishmen, look preposterously ridiculous with them on. I must +say, however, that great Frenchmen have worn single eye-glasses, among +them Alphonse Daudet, Aurélien Scholl, President Felix Faure, Gaston +Paris. Alfred Capus, now our most popular dramatist, wears one; so does +Paul Bourget, but the latter is short-sighted on the right side. + +No Royalty has ever been known to wear one, although not long ago I saw +a portrait of the Kaiser with a single eye-glass. + +America is to be congratulated on the absence of single eye-glasses. I +may have seen one or two at the horse-show in New York, but I should not +like to swear to it. An American dude, with his trousers turned up, +wearing a single eye-glass and sucking the top of his stick, would be a +sight for the gods to enjoy. I believe that a single eye-glass, not only +in Chicago or Kansas City, but in Broadway, New York, and even in +Boston, would cause Americans, whose bump of veneration is not highly +developed, to pass remarks not of a particularly favourable character on +its wearer. In the West, he might be tarred and feathered, if not +lynched. One way or the other, he would be a success there. + +But the most impudent, the most provoking single eye-glass of all is the +one which is worn, generally by very young men, without strings. As they +frown and wink, and make the grimace unavoidable to the wearer of that +kind of apparel, they seem to say: 'See what practice can do! I have no +string, yet I am not at all afraid of my glass falling from my eye.' +Rich Annamites grow their finger-nails eight and ten inches long, to +show you that they are aristocrats, and have never used their hands for +any kind of work. French and English parasites advertise their +uselessness by this exhibition of the single eye-glass without string. +And with it on, they eat, talk, smoke, run, laugh, and sneeze--and it +sticks. Wonderful, simply wonderful! When you can do that, you really +are 'in it.' + +When you consider the progress that civilization is making every day, +the discoveries that are made, the pluck and perseverance that are shown +by the pioneers of all science, by the princes of commerce, by the +explorers of new fields and pastures, in your gratitude for all they +have done and are still doing for the world, you must not forget the +well-groomed young man who has succeeded in being able to wear a single +eye-glass without a string. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +THOUGHTS ON UMBRELLAS + + +Tell me how a man uses his umbrella, and I will tell you his character. + +The Anglo-Saxon Puritan always carried his umbrella open. If he rolled +it, you might, at a distance, take that umbrella for a stick, which, he +thinks, would give him a certain fast appearance. The miser does the +same, because an umbrella that is never rolled lasts longer. + +The man who always takes an umbrella out with him is a cautious +individual, who never runs risks, and abstains from speculation. He will +probably die rich; at all events, in cosy circumstances. On the +contrary, the man who always leaves his umbrella behind him is generally +one who makes no provision for the morrow. That man is thoughtless, +reckless, always late for the train or an appointment, leaves the +street-door open when he comes home late at night, and is generally +unreliable. + +The man who is always losing his umbrella is an unlucky dog, whose bills +are protested, whose boots split, whose gloves crack, whose buttons are +always coming off, who is always in trouble on account of one thing or +another. + +The man, who leaves a new umbrella in his club and hopes to find it +there the following day, is a simpleton who deserves all the bad luck +that pursues him through life. + +The man who comes early to an 'at home' may not show his eagerness to +present his respects to a hostess early so much as to aim at having a +better chance to choose a good umbrella. + +The man who is perpetually showing a nervous anxiety about his umbrella, +and wondering if it is safe, is full of meanness and low suspicion. Let +him be ever so rich, if he asks your daughter in marriage, refuse her to +him. He will undoubtedly take more care of his umbrella than of his +wife. + +If you are fortunate enough to have your umbrella when it rains, and you +meet a friend who has left his at home, and asks you to shelter him, try +immediately to meet another friend or acquaintance to whom you will +offer the same service. By so doing, you will be all right in the +middle, you will have your sides also well protected, and, besides, you +will have obliged two friends instead of one. + +The possession of a well-regulated watch and a decent umbrella is to a +great degree a sign of respectability. More watches and silk umbrellas +are pawned than all the other pieces of man's apparel put together. + +The man who carries a cotton umbrella is either a philosopher, who +defies the world and all its fashionable conventions and prejudices, or +an economist, who knows that a cotton umbrella is cheaper than a silk +one, and lasts longer. + +The man who walks with short, jerky steps, and never allows his umbrella +to touch the ground, is a very proper man, and not uncommonly a +downright hypocrite. On the other hand, the man who walks with a firm, +long step, swinging his body slightly from right to left, and using his +umbrella like a stick, is generally a good, manly fellow. + +Once a man came to an afternoon 'at home,' and, when ready to leave the +house, could not find his umbrella, a beautiful new one. He made +somewhat of a fuss in the hall. The master of the house came to his +rescue, and looked for the missing umbrella among the scores that were +there. + +'Are you sure you had an umbrella when you came?' + +'Quite sure.' + +'Perhaps you left it at the other party, where you went first.' + +'No, no; that's where I got it.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +SOME AMERICAN TOPICS + + +As I sit quietly thinking over my seventh visit to the United States, +some impressions take a definite shape. I may here repeat a phrase which +I used yesterday while speaking to the representative of an English +newspaper who had called to interview me: + +'This last visit has left me more than ever impressed with the colossal +greatness of the American people.' + +The progress they have made during the last five years is perfectly +astounding--progress in commerce and industry, progress in art and +science, progress in architecture. The whole thing is simply amazing. +And the ingenuity displayed in the smallest things! + +Really, this morning I was pitying from the bottom of my heart a poor +English carman, who was emptying sacks of coal into a hole made in the +pavement, as in New York, in front of a house. + +He had to go and fetch every sack of coal, put it on his back, carry it +with his bent body, and then aim at the hole as best he could. In New +York the cart is lifted one side by means of a handle, an inclined tray +is placed at the bottom of the cart, with its head over the hole, and +down goes the coal as the man looks at the work done for him. + +It is in thousands of little things like this that you understand how +the American mind is constantly at work. I do not know whether America +makes more inventions than other nations (I believe that France is still +leading), but there is no country where so many inventions are +perfected. + +In a great measure I attribute the commercial prosperity of the +Americans to the soundness and practicability of their principles in the +matter of the commercial education of their youth. It is partly due to +the existence of the 'business college,' which has no counterpart in +England, but which is as great and powerful an institution in the States +as public schools are in England. Until Europe has such colleges, she +will never breed leaders of commerce and industry as they are bred in +America. + +France possesses the best artisans in the world--glass-cutters, +cabinet-makers, book-binders, gardeners--simply because boys of the +working classes choose their trade early, work long apprenticeships, and +study. + +The English boy of these classes becomes a plumber at thirteen, then he +tries everything afterward. He is in turn a mason, a gardener, anything +you like 'for a job.' In America it is the mind of boys which is +prepared for commerce in the business colleges. At twenty they are +practical men. + +Of course, my mind is full of trusts. Is it possible that in a few years +all the great industries of America--its mines, its railroads, its +telegraphic and telephonic systems, its land, its land produce--will all +be amalgamated and transformed into trusts? + +I am not inclined to look on this great system of trusts in too +pessimistic a fashion. In my view, they may eventually lead to the +nationalization of those gigantic enterprises, and in this way bring +about the greatest good for the greatest number, by the simple reason +that it will be much easier for the State to deal with all those +different trusts than with thousands of different companies and +individuals. + +One day the earth will belong to its inhabitants, not to a privileged +few. Trusts may lead to the solution of the question. + +Another impression deeply confirmed more than ever: the English may talk +of the 'blood-thicker-than-water' theory, but it will never stand the +test of a political crisis. + +Of course, there are the '400' of New York who are entirely pro-English, +and half apologetic for being American; but the population of Greater +New York is 4,000,000. If out of 4,000,000 you take 400, there still +remain some Americans. And these have no love lost for England. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +SOME AMERICANS I OBJECT TO + + +An American was one day travelling with an Englishman friend of mine in +the same railway compartment from Dieppe to Paris. During the +conversation, the American did not care to own that he hailed from +America, but went as far as to confess that he came from Boston, which, +he thought, would no doubt atone for his being American in the eyes of +his English companion. + +'And where are you going to put up in Paris?' inquired the Englishman. +'Well,' replied the Bostonian, 'I was thinking of staying at Meurice's; +but it's so full of d----d Americans! Where are you going to stop +yourself?' 'H'm,' said the Englishman; 'I was thinking of stopping at +Meurice's myself, but the place is so full of d----d English people!' + +I object to the American who tells you that he spends the summer in +Europe because America does not possess a summer resort fit to visit, +and who regrets being unable to spend the winter in the South of France +because there is not in the United States a decent place where to spend +the winter months, who assures you that America does not possess a +single spot historically interesting. In my innocence I thought that an +American might be interested to visit the Independence Hall of +Philadelphia, Mount Vernon in Virginia, Lexington, Bunker's Hill, +Yorktown, Chattanooga, Gettysburg, and a few other places where his +ancestors made America what she is now. + +I thought that the Hudson River compared favourably with the Thames and +the Seine, the Rocky Mountains with the Alps and the Pyrenees, the +Sierras with Switzerland, and that Europe had nothing to offer to be +mentioned in the same breath with the Indian summer of America, when the +country puts on her garb of red and gold. + +When you meet that American in Europe, he asks you if you have met Lord +Fitz-Noodle, Lady Ginger, and the Marquis de la Roche-Trompette. When +you confess to him that you never had the pleasure of meeting those +European worthies, he throws at you a patronizing glance, a mixture of +pity and contempt, which seems to say: 'Good gracious! who on earth can +you be? In what awful set do you move?' + +At fashionable places, on board steamers, he avoids his compatriots and +introduces himself into the aristocracy, always glad to patronize people +who have money. He makes no inquiry about the private character of those +titled people before he allows his wife and daughters to frequent them. +They are titled, and, in his eyes, that sanctifies everything. On board +a steamer he works hard with the purser and the chief steward in order +to be given a seat at the same table with a travelling lord. You never +see him in anybody else's company. + +A favourite remark of his is: 'The Americans one meets in Europe make me +feel ashamed of my country and of my compatriots.' + +How I do prefer to that American snob the good American who has never +left the States, and who is perfectly convinced that America is the only +country fit for a free man to live in--God's own country! At any rate, +he is a good patriot, proud of his motherland. I even prefer to him that +American (often to be met abroad) who damns everything in Europe; who +prefers the Presbyterian church of his little city to Notre Dame, +Westminster Abbey, and the cathedrals of Rouen, Cologne, and Milan; who +thinks that England is such a tight little island that he is afraid of +going out at night for fear of falling into the water; who thinks that +French politeness and manners are much overrated, and who, when being +asked if he likes French cuisine, replies: 'No; nor their cookery +either.' + +I love the man who sees only things to admire in his mother and his own +country; and in America that man has his choice--_une abondance de +biens_. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +PATIENCE--AN AMERICAN TRAIT + + +For power of endurance, give me the Americans. They are angels of +patience. The best illustration is what they can put up with at their +Custom House when they return home. Foreigners are more leniently dealt +with, but if the American and his wife return from a trip to Europe and +have with them twelve trunks and ten bags, these twelve trunks and ten +bags have to be opened and thoroughly searched, and that although the +said American has already signed a paper that he has nothing dutiable +with him. + +In every civilized nation of the world, there is a Custom House officer +to inquire of the foreign visitor or the returning native whether he has +anything to declare. He is not required to sign anything. He is asked +the question on presenting himself with his baggage. + +Never more than one piece of luggage is opened, and when the owner is a +lady alone she is allowed to pass without having anything opened, +unless, of course, she appears to be a suspicious character. + +Everywhere in Europe any decent-looking man or woman who declares that +he or she has nothing dutiable has one piece of luggage examined and no +more. But in America not only is every trunk, every bag, opened, but +everything in it most searchingly examined. + +'Have you worn this?' says the man. + +I knew a gentleman who had had ten trunks examined from top to bottom, +but could not find the key to his hat-box, a light piece of luggage +which, by its weight, was labelled innocent. The Custom House officer +took a hatchet and smashed it. + +I allowed myself to be told that the gentleman in question could obtain +no redress against the man in authority. A lady, for that matter, would +have been treated in exactly the same way. No respect for her sex, no +consideration for the pretty things she had had so carefully packed; +everything is taken out, felt, and replaced topsy-turvy. + +When a favourite steamer arrives in New York, with 500 first and second +class passengers, it means about 5,000 pieces of luggage to open and +examine. If you have no servants to see it done for you, the odds are +that you will be five hours on the wharf before you are able to proceed +to your hotel. + +The Americans grumble, but patiently endure the nuisance, as if they +were not masters in their own home and able to put a stop to it. No +Englishman would stand it a day. If it was a special order, it would be +repealed at once. The only time when the thing was done in England was +during the period of scare produced by the Irish dynamitards some +twenty-five years ago. + +To some American millionairesses fifty new dresses are less extravagant +than two or three for other women; besides, if they are extravagant, +that's their business. What does it matter so long as it is not some +materials for sale or any other commercial purpose? + +The Americans endure bureaucracy much more readily than the English. In +that, as in many other traits, they more resemble the French, who, in +spite of their reputation for being unruly, are the most docile, +enduring, easily-governed people in the world, until they are aroused, +when--then look out! + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +AMERICAN FEELINGS FOR FOREIGNERS + + +Jonathan has such a large family of his own to think of and look after +at home that he has not much time to spare for concerning himself about +what is going on in other people's houses. + +He takes a general interest in them, likes to be kept acquainted with +what is happening in the world, in Europe especially; he feels sympathy +for most people, antipathy to one, but it would be difficult to say, so +far as the names of the American people are concerned, that he has a +predilection for any particular nation more than for any other. + +The largest foreign element in the United States is German, +Scandinavian, and Irish; but they are all now digested and assimilated, +and they inspire no particular feeling in the breast of Uncle Sam for +the respective countries they originally came from. He asks them to be, +and they are, good American citizens, ready to fight his battles on +election day or, if need be, on the battlefield. + +There is no 'most favoured' nation in the American character, which in +this respect is opportunist to the greatest degree. + +During the war with Spain the Americans were pro-English, because they +had the moral support of the English, or thought they had. + +In 1895, during the Venezuelan difficulty, they were above all +anti-English. Just at present their love of the English is somewhat +cooler, because they wonder whether England was really friendly and +sincere during the Spanish-American War, and because their sympathy was +for the Boers who, in their eyes, rightly or wrongly, bravely fought for +their liberty and independence as the Americans did 125 years ago. + +When Prince Henry visited the United States, the Americans regarded his +visit as a great compliment paid to their country, and a delicate +advance and attention on the part of the German Emperor. + +Then Germany naturally came to the front, and, at the time, might with +reason have been called the nation nearest to the heart of Jonathan. +Prince Henry was fêted, banqueted, liked, and when the steamer took him +home, he was remembered with pleasure and forgotten, and Germany resumed +her position of foreign nation, just like that of any other. + +The English, who buy inventions, but seldom make them, are now starting +the rumour that the Prince of Wales has been invited to visit the United +States. The idea is not very original, not any more than that of King +Edward having a racing yacht built in America, and sending his son over +to be present at its launching and christening. That sort of thing may +be overdone. + +If, however, the Prince of Wales went to America, he would be received +with open arms, the 'blood-thicker-than-water' business, and the +'kin-and-kith' cry would be indulged in during his visit, after which +everything would resume its normal state. + +If the President of the French Republic could be induced to visit +America, the Americans would become pro-French; Lafayette, the +'never-to-be-forgotten helper of the Americans' in their struggle for +liberty and independence, would be resurrected, and this visit would, +perhaps, be the one most likely to go straight to the hearts of the +Americans, as, in this case, the visit paid would bring to the United +States the very head of the French nation and the President of a great +Republic, the sister Republic. + +But the visit over, I have no doubt that Jonathan would resume his +business habits, forget all about it, and only remember a little +excitement and a good time. + +Let me, however, advise any royalty, English or other, to wait a little +before visiting America. For a long time there will be no originality, +no novelty even, about the presence of a real Prince in the United +States, and the Americans are particularly fond of novelties. They want +a constant change in the programme. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +SHOULD YOUNG GIRLS READ NOVELS? + + +A lady, an intimate friend of the late Alphonse Karr, was one day on a +visit to the famous French author, and noticing in his library the +statuettes of the Venus of Milo and a few other classical beauties, she +said to him: 'I am afraid you are wrong to feast your eyes on those +exquisite faces and perfect forms, because they very seldom exist in +real life, and they can only make you feel disappointed and spoil your +mind. When you go to a ballroom, I imagine that there are few women, if +any, that you are not inclined to criticise.' + +For the same reason I will answer a lady correspondent, who asks me +whether she should encourage or even allow her daughters to read novels: +No, young people should not read novels. Instead of infusing into their +minds sensible ideas about the stern realities of life, they portray +disinterestedness that is overdone, beauty that is rarely seen outside +of museums, devotion that has been very uncommon since the days of the +Crusaders, love that has been unheard of since the death of Orpheus and +Eurydice, pluck that died with Bayard and Bertrand du Guesclin; and I am +not sure that, loathsome as they are to me, I would not recommend the +novels of the realistic school rather than those of the romantic school +to young people of both sexes; for if the former make you feel fairly +disgusted with humanity, they do not, like the latter, fill the minds of +youth with illusions that are destined to be blown to the four winds of +the earth by the realities of life. In fact, I know some novels which +young people might read, and also some which they ought to read; but I +believe I could count them all on the fingers of my two hands. Let young +people study life from life, listen to the experience of those who have +lived, frequent people who have found happiness and met with success in +life. This will much better make them serve their apprenticeship. + +Yes, I say, avoid reading all novels, and, above all, the sentimental +ones--those that make young girls believe that husbands are lovers who +spend their lives at the feet of their wives making love to them, and +young men imagine that wives are sweethearts who have nothing to do but +coo and try to look pretty. Let young people read books that will help +make them sensible and cheerful, books of travels and adventures, books +of pleasant philosophy, of common-sense and humour. Boyhood, girlhood, +as well as young manhood and womanhood, should be spent in cheerful +surroundings, for nothing leads better to morality than cheerfulness. If +I had a house full of young people, I would have my house ring all day +long with the peals of laughter of my boys and girls. Fun of the good, +wholesome sort, humour and gaiety, should be the daily food of youth, +and only books that supply it should be given to them. + +On the whole, there is not much to choose between the novels of the +realistic school, that would make you believe that the world is full of +murderers, forgers, men and women with diseased minds, novels that reek +of disinfectants, and make you feel as you do when you come out of a +hospital and your clothes are permeated with a smell of carbolic acid, +and the novels of the sentimental school, that would lead you to believe +that all the male and female geese who are their heroes and heroines +have the slightest chance of being successful in life. + +People should already know a great deal of real life before they get +acquainted with the way in which it is represented in novels. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH FATHER? + + +I confess that I am a little tired, and I will say so frankly, of +continually hearing such phrases as 'What is home without a mother?' +'God bless our mother!' and so forth. I should like to use an +Americanism and ask, 'Now, pray, what's the matter with father?' + +I cannot help thinking that children would grow just as sensible if they +sometimes heard a word of praise bestowed on their fathers instead of +being loaded with an endless litany of all the virtues of mother. + +Mother's love, mother's devotion, mother's influence, mother's this, and +mother's that. Now, father does exist, and occasionally makes himself +useful enough to stand in no need of an apology for daring to exist. + +He generally loves his children, and sometimes feels that he cannot +compete with his wife in their affections, simply because she +monopolizes them, not only when they are babies, but after they are out +of infancy. He resents it, but, as a rule, resigns himself to what he is +made to believe inevitable. + +The first duty of a woman is to teach her children to love their father, +and, as they grow up, to teach them to respect him and admire him. It +is her duty to hide from her children any little thing that might cause +them to lose the least respect or admiration towards him. + +But, out of one hundred women, will you find one who will not be of +opinion that mother is foremost? + +When a woman has become a mother, her vanity, though often full of +repose, gets the best of her. She is a mother, and thinks she is the +most important thing in the world. Yet, as I say elsewhere, it is no +extraordinary testimonial for a woman to be fond of her children. All +mothers are fond of their children and good to them--why, even the +fiercest and cruellest of animals. The feeling is given to them by +Nature. We all profit by it; we are all happier for it. For being able +to dispense maternal love woman is to be admired and blessed, but not +congratulated. A child is part and parcel of a mother. In loving a child +a woman loves part of herself. It is not selfishness so much as +self-love. When she brings up her children for herself, for the love of +herself, without doing her utmost to see that their father gets his +share; when, thanks to her own trumpeting, her house rings only with +'God bless our mother!' she is guilty of an act of terrible injustice. + +The vanity of some women is such that some expect a pedestal--nay, an +altar--when the spring-cleaning of their house is over. + +I know men who work with one view only--that of bringing up their +children in comfort, giving them a University education, and starting +them in life at the cost of any sacrifice. + +I know Americans who work like slaves at home so that their wives and +daughters may enjoy themselves in Paris and London. For this they demand +nothing except an occasional letter, which they sometimes get. + +Mother is very tired! She has had to pay calls, go to so many 'at +homes,' so many garden-parties! She is exhausted; she wants a change of +air immediately. Father is at his office, a dingy, badly-ventilated +room. He has had no holiday for a year. He, too, would like a little +change of air; but what's the matter with father? He's all right. + +In the most humble stations of life we have all of us known that man who +gets up at five o'clock in the morning, lights the fire to cook a bit of +breakfast for himself, gets his tools and starts to his daily labour, +wiping off the dew of the dawn on his boots while many a mother is +sleeping. With his hard-earned wages he pays the butcher, the grocer, +the milkman and the baker. He stands off the wolf and the bailiff and +pays the rent. + +What's the matter with father? How blessed that home would be without +him! + +I know there are loafers who refuse the work that would enable them to +support their wives and children. There are also good steady workmen who +at home find nothing awaiting them except the sight of a drunken woman, +who not only has not prepared a meal for him, but has spent his +hard-earned money, and not uncommonly even pawned the baby's shoes to +get brandy or gin with. 'What's home without a mother?' 'God bless our +mother!' + +Do give father a chance, if you please. + + +THE END + +BILLING AND SONS, LTD., PRINTERS, GUILDFORD + + + + +MAX O'RELL'S WORKS + + + JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. + JOHN BULL'S WOMANKIND. + THE DEAR NEIGHBOURS! + FRIEND MACDONALD. + DRAT THE BOYS! + JOHN BULL, JUNIOR. + JACQUES BONHOMME. + JONATHAN AND HIS CONTINENT. + A FRENCHMAN IN AMERICA. + JOHN BULL AND CO. + PHARISEES AND CROCODILES. + FRENCH ORATORY. + WOMAN AND ARTIST. + HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WOMAN. + BETWEEN OURSELVES. + RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND. + + + + OPINIONS OF THE PRESS + ON + RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + 'Max O'Rell has in this volume given us another entertaining and + delightful dissertation upon woman and her kind. What Max O'Rell + does not know about the sex to which he has not the honour to + belong is hardly worth knowing.'--_St. James's Gazette._ + + 'It is too late in the day to dwell upon the features of style + which render the work of Max O'Rell such easy and agreeable + reading, and it is unnecessary to illustrate his pretty gift of + phrase-making. He has gained his own place among popular + authors, and offers no sign of vacating it.'--_Pall Mall + Gazette._ + + 'We hardly know whether to recommend the book to our readers or + not. They will not put it down, once begun--that is + certain.'--_Spectator._ + + 'Max O'Rell, in his new book, expresses in his own peculiar and + entertaining way many witty, satirical, and humorous ideas on + the subject of the "eternal woman."'--_Daily Express._ + + 'Max O'Rell is always entertaining, and provokes friendly + discussion as readily as any writer I know. His new book + contains many aphorisms, and some of them are very + good.'--_British Weekly._ + + 'Max O'Rell supplies, not for the first time, a delightful + mixture of commonplace and common-sense.'--_Daily Chronicle._ + + 'We have no doubt a great many people will enjoy the book, and + the enjoyment will be innocent and wholesome.'--_Academy._ + + 'Max O'Rell's chaff is excellent, and all in perfect good + taste.'--_Pelican._ + + 'The genial author takes up the cudgels on behalf of the + better-looking sex in a way which should make his book + tremendously popular with lady readers--especially the married + ones.... A very entertaining book.'--_Golden Penny._ + + 'Contains some delightful reading.... It is a book happy in + idea, felicitous in expression, cynically frank and refreshing + in its candour.'--_Gossip._ + + 'Another collection of amusing and epigrammatic essays.... Max + O'Rell, as everyone knows, has the gift of discoursing fluently + and amusingly on any subject on which he touches, and to English + and American people his good-humoured criticisms are + particularly valuable, as they are not only sound and sane in + themselves, but they are written from an outside + standpoint.'--_Morning Leader._ + + 'Women will not feel sorry that Max O'Rell's last work should be + his new book on the fair sex. For many a year he has helped us + with his gentle raillery, cheered us with his bright humour, and + taught us much. "Rambles in Womanland" contains many little + personal reminiscences and revelations, and its author's wit is + undimmed. The book is full of epigrams, bons mots, and piquant + criticisms.'--_Gentlewoman._ + + 'Max O'Rell's last book will add to the regret that his genial + pen will write no more. Usually there is a tone of gaiety in + what he says, but at all times he discusses important problems + with all seriousness, and with not a little of the wisdom with + which a wide knowledge of the world had endowed him. Max + O'Rell's writings have always been notable for witty + epigrammatic sentences.... His last work is a bright and + engaging book.'--_Daily Telegraph._ + + 'With a pretty wit and a turn for epigram this writer can + scarcely be dull, and no one will turn to one or other of these + chatty chapters without being pleasantly + entertained.'--_Scotsman._ + + 'Liveliness, amiability, charm, honourable sentiment, humour, + every quality that the best kind of French culture produces, are + open to anyone who can read English in the pages of Max O'Rell. + Every page of these "Rambles" is sprinkled over with aphorisms. + ... This most entertaining book.'--_Vanity Fair._ + + 'There is much that is entertaining in these short pithy + comments on women's characteristics, and occasionally criticism + that penetrates deep beneath the surface, and reveals a vast + amount of observation and knowledge of the world.... The book is + full of smart sayings and clever aphorisms.'--_Publishers' + Circular._ + + 'Whatever his theme, he is always bright, and the coruscations + of his wit are exceedingly diverting.... This last contribution + is full of good things, placed in an amusing setting.... These + are but a few maxims culled from a crowded garden.... This + wonderful little volume.'--_Echo._ + + '"Rambles in Womanland" has between its covers much wisdom, + served up with a pretty garnish of wit and that wholesome + sauce--common sense. Indeed, Max O'Rell has written nothing + better than--in fact, nothing so good as--"Rambles in + Womanland." Here we have his riper wisdom, his fuller + experience; but while he has gained in wisdom or experience, he + has not lost his spiciness or his power of brief, terse + epigram.'--_Black and White._ + + 'Full of sparkling common-sense.'--_T. P.'s Weekly._ + + 'There is enough fresh material to commend these "Rambles in + Womanland" to those who have enjoyed rambling through the + author's entertaining writings.'--_Morning Post._ + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + + +1. Passages in italics are surrounded by _underscores_. + +2. The word homoeopathy uses an "oe" ligature in the original. + +3. Apart from one misprint correction on page 157 ("necesssity" changed +to "necessity") and few punctuation corrections, no other modifications +have been made in the text. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Rambles in Womanland, by Max O'Rell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 33416-8.txt or 33416-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/4/1/33416/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Rambles in Womanland + +Author: Max O'Rell + +Release Date: August 12, 2010 [EBook #33416] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 641px;"> +<img src="images/i_cover.jpg" width="641" height="1024" alt="Cover Page" title="Cover Page" /> +</div> + + +<h1>RAMBLES<br /> +IN WOMANLAND</h1> + +<h4>BY</h4> + +<h2 style='color: red'>MAX O'RELL</h2> + +<h5>AUTHOR OF<br /> +'JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND,' 'H.R.H. WOMAN,' 'BETWEEN OURSELVES,' ETC</h5> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"> +<img src="images/i_004.png" width="200" height="222" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<h4 style='color: red'>SECOND EDITION</h4> + + +<h4>LONDON<br /> +<big>CHATTO & WINDUS</big><br /> +1903</h4> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'>[Pg v]</span></p> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + + +<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" summary="Table of Contents"> +<tr> + <td colspan="3" align="center"><big><b>PART I<br />RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND</b></big></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="center"><small>CHAPTER</small></td> + <td> </td> + <td align="right"><small>PAGE</small></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">I.</td> + <td>THOUGHTS ON LIFE IN GENERAL</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">II.</td> + <td>OH, YOU MEN!</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_5">5</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">III.</td> + <td>THE ROSE, THE LILY, AND THE VIOLET; OR, HOW DIFFERENT METHODS APPEAL TO DIFFERENT WOMEN</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_10">10</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">IV.</td> + <td>WOMEN LOVE BETTER THAN MEN</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_16">16</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">V.</td> + <td>IS WOMAN A RESPONSIBLE BEING?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_19">19</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VI.</td> + <td>RAMBLES IN CUPID'S DOMAIN</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_22">22</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VII.</td> + <td>WHICH SEX WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_28">28</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VIII.</td> + <td>RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_32">32</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">IX.</td> + <td>WOMEN AND THEIR WAYS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_41">41</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">X.</td> + <td>WOMAN'S MISSION IN THIS WORLD</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_49">49</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XI.</td> + <td>IS WOMAN INFERIOR TO MAN?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_52">52</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XII.</td> + <td>WOMEN WHO ARE FOLLOWED AND ANNOYED IN THE STREET</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_55">55</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XIII.</td> + <td>DANGEROUS MEN</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_58">58</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XIV.</td> + <td>THE MAN WHO SMILES</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_60">60</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XV.<span class='pagenum'>[Pg vi]</span></td> + <td>WOMEN AND DOLLS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XVI.</td> + <td>MEN AS A RULE ARE SELFISH—TWO KINDS OF SELFISH MEN</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_68">68</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XVII.</td> + <td>EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_71">71</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XVIII.</td> + <td>AMERICAN WOMEN IN PARIS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_74">74</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XIX.</td> + <td>WOMEN WHO WALK BEST</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XX.</td> + <td>WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_81">81</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXI.</td> + <td>WOMEN MAY ALL BE BEAUTIFUL</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXII.</td> + <td>WOMEN AT SEA</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_87">87</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXIII.</td> + <td>THE SECRET OF WOMAN'S BEAUTY</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_91">91</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXIV.</td> + <td>THE DURATION OF BEAUTY</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_95">95</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXV.</td> + <td>THE WOMAN 'GOOD FELLOW'—A SOCIETY TYPE</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_98">98</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXVI.</td> + <td>THE WOMAN 'GOSSIP'</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_100">100</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXVII.</td> + <td>LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_103">103</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXVIII.</td> + <td>THE EMANCIPATION OF WOMEN</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_106">106</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXIX.</td> + <td>SHALL LOVE BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_111">111</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXX.</td> + <td>ARE MEN FAIR TO WOMEN?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_115">115</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXXI.</td> + <td>A PLEA FOR THE WORKING WOMAN</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXXII.</td> + <td>A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_122">122</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXXIII.</td> + <td>THE WORST FEATURE OF WOMEN AS A SEX</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_127">127</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXXIV.</td> + <td>IS HOMŒOPATHY A CURE FOR LOVE?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_131">131</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXXV.</td> + <td>DOMESTIC TYRANTS AND THEIR POOR WIVES</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_135">135</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td colspan="3" align="center"><big><b>PART II<br />RAMBLES IN MATRIMONY</b></big></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">I.</td> + <td>ADVICE TO YOUNG MARRIED PEOPLE</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_139">139</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">II.</td> + <td>THE MATRIMONIAL PROBLEM</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_142">142</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">III.<span class='pagenum'>[Pg vii]</span></td> + <td>WOMEN SHOULD ASSERT THEMSELVES IN MATRIMONY</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_146">146</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">IV.</td> + <td>RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY—I.</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_150">150</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">V.</td> + <td>RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY—II.</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_154">154</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VI.</td> + <td>RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY—III.</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_159">159</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VII.</td> + <td>THE START IN MATRIMONY, AND ITS DANGERS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_162">162</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VIII.</td> + <td>'OMELETTE AU RHUM'</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_166">166</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">IX.</td> + <td>COQUETRY IN MATRIMONY</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_169">169</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">X.</td> + <td>RESIGNATION IN MATRIMONY</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_173">173</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XI.</td> + <td>TIT FOR TAT</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_176">176</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XII.</td> + <td>THE IDEAL HUSBAND</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_179">179</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XIII.</td> + <td>MARRYING ABOVE OR BELOW ONE'S STATION</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_184">184</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XIV.</td> + <td>PREPARE FOR MATRIMONY, BUT DO NOT OVERTRAIN YOURSELVES</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_188">188</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XV.</td> + <td>ACTRESSES SHOULD NOT MARRY</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_191">191</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XVI.</td> + <td>A MATRIMONIAL BOOM</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_195">195</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XVII.</td> + <td>LOVE WITH WHITE HAIR</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_199">199</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td colspan="3" align="center"><big><b>PART III<br />RAMBLES EVERYWHERE</b></big></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">I.</td> + <td>LITTLE MAXIMS FOR EVERYDAY USE</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_203">203</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">II.</td> + <td>DO THE BEST WITH THE HAND YOU HAVE</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_207">207</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">III.</td> + <td>BEWARE OF THE FINISHING TOUCH</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_210">210</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">IV.</td> + <td>THE SELFISHNESS OF SORROW</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_214">214</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">V.</td> + <td>THE RIGHT OF CHANGING ONE'S MIND</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_217">217</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VI.</td> + <td>WHAT WE OWE TO CHANCE</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_220">220</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VII.</td> + <td>WE NEEDN'T GET OLD</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_223">223</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">VIII.</td> + <td>THE SECRET OF OLD AGE</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_226">226</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">IX.<span class='pagenum'>[Pg viii]</span></td> + <td>ADVICE ON LETTER-POSTING</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_229">229</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">X.</td> + <td> ON PARASITES</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_232">232</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XI.</td> + <td>ADVICE-GIVING</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_234">234</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XII.</td> + <td>ON HOLIDAYS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_237">237</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XIII.</td> + <td>EXTRACTS FROM THE DICTIONARY OF A CYNIC</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_240">240</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XIV.</td> + <td>VARIOUS CRITICISMS ON CREATION</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_243">243</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XV.</td> + <td>THE HUMOURS OF THE INCOME-TAX</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_246">246</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XVI.</td> + <td>HOW TO BE ENTERTAINING</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_250">250</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XVII.</td> + <td>WHAT IS GENIUS?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_253">253</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XVIII.</td> + <td>NEW AND PIQUANT CRITICISM</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_256">256</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XIX.</td> + <td>ORIGINALITY IN LITERATURE</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_259">259</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XX.</td> + <td>PLAGIARISM</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_262">262</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXI.</td> + <td>AUTOBIOGRAPHIES AND REMINISCENCES</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_266">266</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXII.</td> + <td>THOUGHTS ON HATS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_270">270</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXIII.</td> + <td>THOUGHTS ON EYE-GLASSES</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_273">273</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXIV.</td> + <td>THOUGHTS ON UMBRELLAS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_277">277</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXV.</td> + <td>SOME AMERICAN TOPICS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_280">280</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXVI.</td> + <td>SOME AMERICANS I OBJECT TO</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_283">283</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXVII.</td> + <td>PATIENCE—AN AMERICAN TRAIT</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_286">286</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXVIII.</td> + <td>AMERICAN FEELINGS FOR FOREIGNERS</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_289">289</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXIX.</td> + <td>SHOULD YOUNG GIRLS READ NOVELS?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_292">292</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td align="right">XXX.</td> + <td>NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH FATHER?</td> + <td align="right"><a href="#Page_295">295</a></td> +</tr> +</table> + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> +<h1>PART I</h1> + +<h2>RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND<br /><br /></h2> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> + +<h3>THOUGHTS ON LIFE IN GENERAL</h3> + + +<p>Cupid will cause men to do many things; so will cupidity.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>I like economy too much as a virtue not to loathe +it when it becomes a vice.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Many virtues, when carried too far, become vices.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Envy is a vice which does not pay. If you let your +envy be apparent, you advertise your failure.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Nothing is less common than common-sense.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Whenever you can, pay cash for what you buy. A +bill owing is like port wine—it generally improves by +keeping.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> + +<p>There are people whose signature has no more +significance at the end of a letter of insults than it +has value at the bottom of a cheque.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The hardest thing to do in life is to make a living +dishonestly for any length of time.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The harm that happens to others very seldom does +us any good, and the good that happens to them very +seldom does us any harm. People who are successful +are neither envious, jealous, nor revengeful.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Very often a man says, 'I have made a fool of myself!' +who should only accuse his father.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A contract is a collection of clauses signed by two +honourable persons who take each other for scoundrels.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Many people make a noise for the simple reason that, +like drums, they are empty. Many others think themselves +deep who are only hollow.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Never have anything to do with women in whose +houses you never see a man. You may say what you +like, but I have heard many women admit that the +presence of a man adds a great deal of respectability to +a house.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> + +<p>If you cannot prevent evil, try not to see it. What +we do not know does not hurt us.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A self-conscious man is sometimes one who is aware +of his worth; a conceited man is generally one who is +not aware of his unworthiness.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Many a saint in a small provincial town is a devil +of a dog in the Metropolis. Life in small towns +is like life in glass-houses. The fear of the neighbour +is the beginning of wisdom.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Great revolutions were not caused by great grievances +or even great sufferings, but by great injustices.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Revolutions, like new countries, are often started by +somewhat objectionable adventurers. When they have +been successful, steady and honest people come in.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The good diplomatist is not the one who forces +events, but the one who foresees them, and, when they +come, knows how to make the best of them. The +good diplomatist is not the one who successfully takes +people in, but the one who, when he has discovered who +are his true friends, sticks to them through thick and thin.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>I prefer unrighteousness to self-righteousness. The +unrighteous man may see the error of his ways and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> +improve. He may even be lovable. The self-righteous +man is unteachable, uncharitable, unloving, unlovable, +and unlovely.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>You can judge the social standing of a woman from +the way she sits down.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A woman may love a man she has hated, never one +she has despised, seldom one who has been indifferent +to her.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A woman is seldom jealous of another on account of +her intellectual attainments, but if her bosom friend +has on purpose or by mere chance eclipsed her by her +dress at a party, they will probably be no longer on +speaking terms.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Scientific men are generally the most honest of men, +because their minds are constantly bent on the pursuit +of truth.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>It requires a head better screwed on the shoulders to +stand success than to endure misfortune.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The world is not ruled by men of talent, but by men +of character.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A vain man speaks either well or ill of himself. A +modest man never speaks of himself at all.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER II</h2> + +<h3>OH, YOU MEN!</h3> + + +<p>The Paris <i>Presse</i> had asked its male readers to mention +which virtue they most admire in women. Here +is the result, with the number of votes obtained by +each virtue, and truly it is not an edifying result:</p> + +<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="Votes for Virtues"> +<tr> + <td>1. Faithfulness</td> + <td align="right">8,278</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>2. Economy</td> + <td align="right">7,496</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>3. Kindness</td> + <td align="right">6,736</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>4. Order</td> + <td align="right">5,052</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>5. Modesty</td> + <td align="right">4,975</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>6. Devotion</td> + <td align="right">4,782</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>7. Charity</td> + <td align="right">4,575</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>8. Sweetness</td> + <td align="right">4,565</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>9. Cleanliness</td> + <td align="right">3,594</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>10. Patience</td> + <td align="right">2,750</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>11. Maternal love</td> + <td align="right">2,703</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>12. Industry</td> + <td align="right">2,125</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>13. Courage</td> + <td align="right">1,758</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>14. Discretion</td> + <td align="right">1,687</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>15. Simplicity</td> + <td align="right">1,580</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>16. Wisdom</td> + <td align="right">1,417</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>17. Honesty</td> + <td align="right">1,389</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>18. Amiability</td> + <td align="right">1,273</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>19. Chastity</td> + <td align="right">1,230</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>20. Propriety</td> + <td align="right">969</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>21. Self-abnegation</td> + <td align="right">868</td> +</tr> +</table> + + +<p>Surely, here is food for reflections and comments. +Economy, order, and devotion head the list; chastity +and self-abnegation figure at the bottom. I should +have imagined the last two virtues would have obtained +the maximum of votes.</p> + +<p>And is it not wonderful that the most beautiful trait +in a woman's character—I mean Loyalty—should be +altogether omitted from this list of twenty-one most<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> +characteristic virtues in women? Are we to conclude +that loyalty is a virtue for men alone, such as willpower, +magnanimity, energy, bravery, and straightforwardness?</p> + +<p>And Sincerity, that most indispensable and precious +virtue, which is supposed to make the friendship of men +so valuable, is it not also a virtue that we should value +in women?</p> + +<p>Do men mean to say that loyalty and sincerity +should not be or could not be expected to be found in +women? Woman must be sweet, of course, and be +economical. She must charm men and keep their house +on the principles of the strictest order. Lovely!</p> + +<p>I know men who allow their wives £1 a day to +keep their houses in plenty, and who spend £2 every +day at their club. Whatever the husband does, however, +the wife must be faithful, and possess patience +and self-abnegation. She must be resigned, and, mind +you, always amiable and cheerful.</p> + +<p>Poor dear fellow! the truth is, that when a man has +spent a jolly evening at his club with the 'boys,' it is +devilishly hard on him to come home at one or two in +the morning and to find his wife not amiable, not +cheerful, but suffering from the dumps, and, maybe, +not even patient enough to have waited for him. +Sometimes she does worse than this, the wretch! She +suffers from toothache or neuralgia. What of that? +She should be patient, resigned, amiable, and cheerful; +<i>c'est son métier</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + +<p>Yes, on the threshold of the twentieth century we +find man still considering woman as a pet animal or a +nice little beast of burden; sometimes as both. I +really should feel prouder of my sex if they would only +be kind enough to assert that men are not beings +inferior to monkeys and birds.</p> + +<p>For monkeys have but one rule of morality for the +manners of both sexes, and birds share with their mates +the duties of nest-building and feeding the little ones. +The latter even go further. When the female bird does +her little house duties in the nursery, the male entertains +her with a song in order to keep her cheerful.</p> + +<p>Marriage will be a failure as long as men are of +opinion that fidelity, patience, devotion, amiability, +cheerfulness, and self-abnegation are virtues expected of +women only; marriage will be a failure as long as it is +a firm, the two partners of which do not bring about the +same capital of qualities, as long as what is bad in the +goose is not bad in the gander.</p> + +<p>Certainly I like to see in a man a more powerful will +than in a woman; I like to see more sweetness in a +woman than in a man. In other words, I like to see +certain virtues or qualities more accentuated in a man, +others more accentuated in a woman; but, so far as +fidelity, kindness, order, patience, industry, discretion, +courage, devotion, self-abnegation, wisdom, honesty, +sincerity, amiability, and loyalty are concerned, I +absolutely deny that they should be womanly +virtues only. They are virtues that a man should<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> +expect to find in a woman as well as a woman in a +man.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Oh, you men, most illogical creatures in the world! +You call woman a weak being, but, although you make +laws to protect children, you make none to protect +women. Nay, on that woman whom you call weak +you impose infallibility. When you strong, bearded +men get out of the path of duty you say: 'The flesh is +weak'; but when it is a woman who does there is no +indulgence, no mercy, no pity. No extenuating circumstances +are admitted.</p> + +<p>What you most admire in women is chastity. If so, +how dare you leave unpunished the man who takes it +away from them? How is it that you receive him in +your club, welcome him in your house, and not uncommonly +congratulate him on his good fortune?</p> + +<p>I hear you constantly complain that women are too +fond of dress, too careless of the money that you make +by the sweat of your brow, too frivolous, too fond of +pleasure, and that matrimony becomes, on that account, +more and more impossible.</p> + +<p>Let me assure you that there are many young girls, +brought up by thoughtful mothers to be cheerful, +devoted, and careful wives; but, as a rule, you despise +them. You are attracted by the best dressed ones, and +you go and offer your heart to the bird with fine +feathers. You take the rose, and disdain to look at +the violet. How illogical of you to make complaints!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> +You only get what you want, and, later on, what you +deserve.</p> + +<p>The law, made by man, and the customs exact virtue +incarnate in woman. She is to have neither weaknesses, +senses, nor passions. Whatever her husband does, she +must be patient and resigned.</p> + +<p>The laws and customs would be much wiser if, +instead of demanding infallibility of women, they were +to make women's duties and virtues easier by showing +less indulgence for men, and by declaring that, in +matrimony, the same conjugal virtues are expected +alike of men as of women.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> + +<h3>THE ROSE, THE LILY, AND THE VIOLET; OR, HOW DIFFERENT +METHODS APPEAL TO DIFFERENT WOMEN</h3> + + +<p>The man butterfly is the most dangerous member of +society. He is generally handsome, amiable, persuasive, +and witty. He may be in succession cheerful, light-hearted, +poetical, and sentimental.</p> + +<p>If he comes to the rose, he says to her in his sweetest +voice: 'You are beautiful, and I love you tenderly, +ardently. I feel I can devote my whole life to you. If +you can love me, I can reward your love with a century +of constancy and faithfulness.'</p> + +<p>'Oh!' says the rose, with an air of incredulity, 'I +know what the faithfulness of the butterfly is.'</p> + +<p>'There are all sorts of butterflies,' he gently intimates; +'I know that some of them have committed +perjury and deceived roses, but I am not one of them. +Of the butterfly I have only the wings, to always bring +me back to you. I am a one-rose butterfly; if the +others are inconstant, unfaithful, liars, I am innocent of +their faults. I swear, if you will not listen to me, I +shall die, and in dying for you there will be happiness +still.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> + +<p>The rose is touched, moved and charmed with this +passionate language. 'How he loves me!' she thinks. +'After all, if butterflies are generally perfidious, it is not +his fault; he is not one of that sort.'</p> + +<p>The rose yields; she gives up to him her whole soul, +all her most exquisite perfume. After he is saturated, +he takes his flight.</p> + +<p>'Where are you going?' asks the rose.</p> + +<p>'Where am I going?' he says, with a protecting +sneer. 'Why, I am going to visit the other flowers, your +rivals.'</p> + +<p>'But you swore you would be faithful to me!'</p> + +<p>'I know, my dear; a butterfly's oath, nothing more. +You should have been wiser, and not allowed yourself to +be taken in.'</p> + +<p>Then he goes in the neighbourhood of a beautiful, +haughty, vain lily. Meantime an ugly bumble comes +near the rose and tries to sting her. She calls the +butterfly to her help, but he does not even deign to +answer. For him the rose is the past and the lily +the present. He is no more grateful than he is +faithful.</p> + + +<h4>WHEN HE MEETS THE LILY</h4> + +<p>With the lily, whom he understands well, he knows +he has to proceed in quite a different manner. He must +use flattery.</p> + +<p>'Imagine, lovely lily,' he says to her, 'that this silly +and vain rose thinks she is the queen of flowers. She is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> +beautiful, no doubt, but what is her beauty compared to +yours? What is her perfume? Almost insipid compared +to your enchanting, intoxicating fragrance. +What is her shape compared to your glorious figure? +Why, she looks like a pink cabbage. Is not, after all, +pure whiteness incomparable? My dear lady, you are +above competition.'</p> + +<p>The vain lily listens with attention and pleasure. +The wily butterfly sees he is making progress. He goes +on flattering, then risks a few words of love.</p> + +<p>'Ah!' sighs the lily, 'if you were not a fickle butterfly, +I might believe half of what you say!'</p> + +<p>'You do not know me!' he exclaims indignantly. 'I +have only the shape of a butterfly; I have not the heart +of one. How could I be unfaithful to you if you loved +me? Are you not the most beautiful of flowers? How +could it be possible for me to prefer any other to you? +No, no; for the rest of my life there will be but the lily +for me.'</p> + +<p>The vanity of the lily is flattered, she believes him, +and gives herself up to the passionate embrace of the +butterfly.</p> + +<p>'Oh, beloved one,' she exclaims in ecstasy, 'you will +love me for ever; you will always be mine as I am +yours!'</p> + +<p>'To tell you the truth, my dear lily,' says the butterfly +coolly, 'you are very nice, but your perfume is +rather strong, a little vulgar, and one gets tired of it +quickly. I am not sure that I do not prefer the rose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> +to you. Now, be good, and let me go quickly. I am +a butterfly. I cannot help my nature; I was made like +that. Good-bye!'</p> + + +<h4>THE MODEST VIOLET</h4> + +<p>Then he flies towards a timid violet, modestly hidden +in the ivy near the wall. Her sweet odour reveals her +presence. So he stops and says to her:</p> + +<p>'Sweet, exquisite violet, how I do love you! Other +flowers may be beautiful, my darling, but that is all. +You, besides, are good and modest; as for your sweet, +delicious perfume, it is absolutely beyond competition. +I might admire a rose or a lily for a moment, lose my +head over them, but not my heart. You alone can +inspire sincere and true love. If you will marry me—for +you do not imagine that I could ask you to love me +without at the same time asking you to be my wife—we +will lead a quiet, retired life of eternal bliss, hidden in +the ivy, far from the noise and the crowd.'</p> + +<p>'This would be beautiful,' says the violet, 'but I am +afraid you are too brilliant for me, and I too modest +and humble for you. I have been warned against you. +People say you are fickle.'</p> + +<p>'Who could have slandered me so? Your modesty +is the very thing that has attracted me to you. I have +crossed the garden without looking at any other flower +in order to come to you straight. What I want is a +heart like yours—tender, faithful—a heart that I may +feel is mine for the rest of my days.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<p>And he swears his love, always promising matrimony +as soon as a few difficulties, 'over which he has no +control,' are surmounted. The poor little violet is +fascinated, won; she loves him, and gives herself to +him; but it is not long before he goes.</p> + +<p>'Surely,' she says, with her eyes filled with tears, 'you +are not going to abandon me. You are not going to +leave me to fight the great big battle of life alone, with +all the other flowers of the garden to sneer at me and +despise me! Oh no, dear; I have loved you with my +modest soul; I have given you all I have in the world. +No, no, you are not going away, never to return again! +It would be too cruel! No, the world is not so bad as +that; you will return, won't you?'</p> + +<p>'I feel very sorry for you, dear—really very sorry; +but, you see, I cannot. I am a gentleman, and I have +my social position to think of. I am sure you understand +that. You say you are fond of me; then you will +put yourself in my place, and conclude that I have done +the best I could for you. Good-bye! Forget me as +quickly as you can.'</p> + +<p>The little violet commits suicide; and the butterfly, +reading an account of it in the following day's papers, +has not even a tear to shed, no remorse, no regret.</p> + + +<h4>A SHINING SOCIAL LIGHT.</h4> + +<p>He is called by his club friends 'a devil of a fellow +with the girls,' and that is almost meant as a compliment. +As for the women of the very best society, he is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> +thought rather enterprising and dangerous; but I have +never heard that, for his conduct, he has ever been +turned out of a respectable house or of a decent club.</p> + +<p>There is one drawback to the perfect happiness of the +butterfly: he is generally in love with a worthless +woman, who makes a fool of him.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN LOVE BETTER THAN MEN</h3> + + +<p>How many people understand what love means? How +many appreciate it? How many ever realize what it +is? For some it is a more or less sickly sentiment, for +others merely violent desires.</p> + +<p>Alas! it requires so many qualifications to appreciate +love that very few people are sufficiently free from some +vulgarity or other to be worthy of speaking of love +without profanity.</p> + +<p>Love requires too much constancy to suit the light-hearted, +too much ardour to suit calm temperaments, +too much reserve to suit violent constitutions, too much +delicacy to suit people destitute of refinement, too much +enthusiasm to suit cool hearts, too much diplomacy to +suit the simple-minded, too much activity to suit indolent +characters, too many desires to suit the wise.</p> + +<p>See what love requires to be properly and thoroughly +appreciated, and you will easily understand why it must +be in woman's nature to love better and longer than +man.</p> + +<p>Men can worship better than women, but women can +love better than men. Of this there can be no doubt.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> + +<p>Very often women believe that they are loved when +they are only ardently desired because they are beautiful, +piquant, elegant, rich, difficult to obtain, and because +men are violent, ambitious, wilful, and obstinate; and +the more obstacles there are in their way, the more bent +they feel on triumphing over difficulties.</p> + +<p>To obtain a woman men will risk their lives, ruin +themselves, commit any act of folly or extravagance +which you care to name. Women are flattered by +these follies and extravagances due to motives of very +different characters; but they mistake passion for love.</p> + +<p>Yet passion is very seldom compatible with true love. +Passion is as fickle as love is constant. Passion is but a +proof of vanity and selfishness.</p> + +<p>Woman is only the pretext for the display of it. +Singers, actresses, danseuses, all women detached from +that shade and mystery in which love delights in dwelling, +women who give to the public all the treasures +of their beauty, amiability, and talent are those who +inspire in men the most violent passions, but they are +seldom truly loved unless they consent to retire from +the glare of the footlights and withdraw to the shade.</p> + +<p>Passion excites vanity, noise, envy: it plays to the +gallery. Love seeks retirement, and prefers a moss +bank against some wall covered with ivy, some solitude +where silence is so perfect that two hearts can hear each +other beat, where space is so small that lips must +forcibly meet.</p> + +<p>The man who takes his bride to Paris for the honeymoon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> +does not really love her. If he loves truly he +will take her to the border of a forest in some secluded, +picturesque spot, where nature will act as a church in +which both will fervently worship.</p> + +<p>Now, with very few exceptions, women understand +these things much better than men. They are born +with feelings of delicacy and refinement that only few +men can acquire or develop; they are more earnest, +more poetical, better diplomatists, and of temperaments +generally more artistic.</p> + +<p>Besides—and it is in this that they are infinitely +superior to men—whereas many men see their love +cooled by possession, all women see theirs increased +and sealed by it.</p> + +<p>The moment a woman is possessed by the man she +loves, she belongs to him body, heart, and soul. Her +love is the occupation of her life, her only thought, and, +I may add without the slightest idea of irreverence, her +religion.</p> + +<p>She loves that man as she does God. If all men +could only be sufficiently impressed with this fact, how +kind and devoted to women they would be!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> + +<h3>IS WOMAN A RESPONSIBLE BEING?</h3> + + +<p>There are nations still in existence where women are +denied the possession of a soul; but these nations are +not civilized. Now, Germany and England are civilized +nations, yet I am not sure that some Germans and +Englishmen really admit that women are beings possessed +of a mind.</p> + +<p>I have constantly heard Englishmen of 'the good old +school' say: 'If a man steals my horse, my dog, my +poultry, I have him arrested, and he gets a few months' +imprisonment; if he steals my wife, he remains at large, +unmolested. Yet, is not my wife my most valuable +property?' And that good Englishman is absolutely +persuaded that his argument is unanswerable.</p> + +<p>The other day, in a German paper, I read the following +exquisitely delicious remark: 'We have a treaty of +extradition with Switzerland. If the man Giron had +stolen the least valuable horse of the Crown Prince of +Saxony, we could have had him arrested in Geneva and +returned to us; but as he only stole the wife of that +prince, the mother of his children, we can do nothing.'</p> + +<p>From all this we are bound to conclude that, in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> +eyes of many Germans and some Englishmen, a woman is +like a horse or any other animal, a thing, a 'brute of no +understanding,' a being without a mind. In my ignorance +I thought that when women left their husbands to +follow other men, they were, rightly or wrongly, using +their own minds, acting on their own responsibility and +on their own good or bad judgment.</p> + +<p>In other words, I thought that they were thinking +beings.</p> + +<p>When a man steals a horse, he takes him by the +mane or the mouth and pulls him away with him. He +does not say to the animal, 'I like you; I will treat +you better than your master; will you come with me?' +He steals him, as he would an inanimate thing.</p> + +<p>When a man asks a woman to elope with him, he +says to her: 'I love you, I know you love me; leave +your husband, who makes you unhappy, and come with +me, who will make you happy.' She reflects, and, +through feelings of despair, of love, of passion, she +yields, and answers, 'Yes, I will.'</p> + +<p>Now, her resolution may be most reprehensible, her +conduct immoral; she may be a fool, anything you like, +but she is not carried off by force. She acts of her own +accord and free will, and is, I imagine, prepared to meet +the consequences of her actions.</p> + +<p>I have heard an English magistrate say to a man +whose wife was accused of disorderly conduct: 'You +should look after your wife better than you do, and, in +future, I will make you responsible for what she does.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> +To-day I will impose a fine of ten shillings. If you pay +it, I will set her free.'</p> + +<p>Now, this argument would be fairly good if the +accused had been a dog. I should understand a magistrate +saying to a man: 'Your dog is a nuisance and a +source of danger to your neighbours; if he causes any +more damage, if I hear again that he has killed your +neighbour's cat, eaten his poultry, or bitten his children, +I will hold you responsible, and make you pay the +damages, <i>plus</i> some compensation.' But a wife!—inasmuch +that, mind you, when a woman has committed a +murder in England, it is she who is hanged, not her +husband.</p> + +<p>I believe that women are quite prepared to accept the +responsibility of their actions. The emancipation of +woman should be an accomplished fact by the declaration +that she can do evil as well as good. And I am +sure that if she wants credit for whatever good she +does, she is also ready to accept the consequences of the +mischief, to herself or to others, which she may make.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2> + +<h3>RAMBLES IN CUPID'S DOMAIN</h3> + + +<p>Love performs daily miracles. It causes people to see +with closed eyes, and to see nothing with open ones.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Women worship sacrifice to the extent of wishing us +to believe (perhaps they believe it themselves) that, even +at the altar of love, they make a sacrifice. Women in +love have an irresistible craving for sacrifice.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>I have heard of women being so much in love as to +declare to their husbands that they would not want a +new hat for another month.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The world of love can boast a roll of demi-gods, +heroes, martyrs, and saints that would put into the +shade those of Paradise and Olympus.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love, after being conquered, has to be reconquered +every day. Love is like money invested in doubtful +stock, which has to be watched at every moment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> +Speculators know this; but married men and women +too often ignore it.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In love the hand lies much less than the lips and the +eyes. A certain pressing of the hand is often the most +respectful and surest of proofs of love.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The language of the hand is most eloquent. Who +has not been able to translate a pressure from a woman's +hand by 'stay' or 'go'? How a woman can say to +you with her hand 'I love you' or 'I cannot love you'!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Whoever says that two kisses can be perfectly alike +does not know the A B C of love.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>No two acts dictated, or even suggested, by love +should ever be alike.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In love it is better to be a creditor than a debtor.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Think of the torrents of harmony which maestros +have composed with seven notes; the millions of thoughts +which have been expressed with a score of letters; think +of all the exploits, deeds of valour, and crimes that have +been committed under the influence of love!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love is not compatible with conceit; the love of self<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> +excludes all other. Even injury cannot cure love; if it +does, there was in the person much more conceit than +love.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When a man and a woman have pronounced together +the three sacramental words 'I love you,' they become +priest and priestess of the same temple. In order to +keep the sacred fire alive, they must be careful not to +stifle it by an excess of fuel or to let it go out for want +of air.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When you are in love, do not be over-sensitive, but +always imagine that the other is. Thus your susceptibility +will never be wounded, nor will that of your +partner be.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Woe to people in love who satisfy all their desires in +a week, in a month, in a year! Two lovers, or married +people, should die without having drunk the cup of love +to the last dregs.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Absence is a tonic for love only when men and women +love with all their heart and soul. When they do not, +the ancient proverb is still true: 'Far from the eyes, far +from the heart.'</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A beautiful woman is jealous of no woman, not even<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> +of a George Sand, a George Eliot, or of a queen; but a +duchess may be jealous of a chambermaid.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>All the love-letters of a woman are not worth one of +her smiles.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>If a woman wants to know the secret for remaining +loved a long time, let her keep this recipe in mind: +Give much, give more still, but be sure that you do not +give all. Cupid is a little ungrateful beast, who takes +his flight when expectations cease to whet his appetite.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>For common mortals, desire engenders love, and love +kills desire; for the elect, love is the son of desire and +the prolific father of a thousand new desires.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>To conquer a man is nothing for a woman to boast +of, but to conquer a woman is a real victory, because +it requires in a man, to conquer a woman, far more +qualities than it requires in a woman to conquer a +man.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>There is a touching exchange of amiable services +between the sexes. The man of twenty often receives +his first lesson in love from a woman of forty; and the +woman of twenty generally receives hers from a man of +forty.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> + +<p>The following are among the little tortures which +people in love take pleasure in inflicting upon themselves-:</p> + +<p>'Amelia has been coughing twice to-day. I wonder +if the poor darling is consumptive? An aunt of hers +died of consumption. She was an aunt only by marriage, +but when those confounded microbes enter a family, no +one knows the mischief they may do!'</p> + +<p>'George did not notice I had a carnation, his favourite +flower, on my corsage the whole of last evening. He +loves me no more.'</p> + +<p>'Do I love Algy—do I adore him as he deserves? +Am I worthy of him? Shall I be able to keep the +love of a man so handsome, so kind, so clever? This +morning he did not kiss me with the same ardour. +Perhaps he has not courage enough to confess that he +does not love me as much as he used to.'</p> + +<p>'I am too happy. Something tells me it cannot last. +I have a presentiment that a great misfortune is going +to happen. Our love cannot possibly enjoy such bliss +for long. I feel I am going to cry.'</p> + +<p>And she bursts into hot tears.</p> + +<p>'To-day Arthur met me at the appointed time to +the minute. Formerly he used to be in advance—always. +I told him so, and he said, showing me the +time by his watch, that he was quite punctual. He +ought to have been pleased with my remark, and have +answered otherwise. I wonder if there is anything +wrong?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<p>'He never notices my dresses as he used to. Yesterday +I changed the bow I had on, and he made no +remark. I know all his cravats, every one of them. I +also know when he has tied them before a glass, and +when he has not. He does not love me as I love him.'</p> + +<p>'I am quite happy when my hands are in his, but he +is not satisfied with that; he always wants to kiss me. +He loves me with his senses, not with his heart. They +say all men are the same. I thought George was +different from all of them!'</p> + +<p>'I have always heard that love is the most sublime +joy on earth. I love and I am loved; yet I want to cry, +and I don't know why. Oh, why?'</p> + +<p>'Why do I find that Angelina looks better in gray +than in red? I ought to admire her in whatever colour +she has on. Should I make such a remark if my love +was intense? Was I a brute for making it before her? +She has been sad ever since. But why does she wear +red? Red does not suit a blonde. Red is for brunettes. +Yet, can I tell her that? Of course, I cannot. I must +not imagine that she does not know that herself, and +besides, I should find her beautiful in anything. I am +an ass, a silly ass!'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2> + +<h3>WHICH SEX WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE?</h3> + + +<p>I once heard a Frenchman say, 'My wife could do +without me, but I couldn't do without her;' but, as a +rule, the Frenchman who has had the good fortune of +marrying an intelligent wife becomes so dependent on +her, so much under her influence, that no general rule +should be drawn from the remark. When a man and +wife have lived happily together, I find, from my +personal observations, that when one has gone, it is +generally the woman who can better do without the +man than the reverse.</p> + +<p>Of course, the question is very complex, and one +which I would rather ask than answer. If sexes could +do one without the other, and resolved to do it for fifty +years, the world would put up its shutters. May not +the question resolve itself into the following: Of old +bachelors and old maids, which are the happier?</p> + +<p>Even this question is not a fair one, because it must +be admitted that society, which is very lenient over the +peccadilloes of unmarried men, frowns unmercifully over +those of unmarried women. Shall we then say, Of old +bachelors and old maids, who have led monachal lives,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> +which have been the happier, and would be the more +ready to decline matrimony if the opportunity were +again offered to them? Now, can you answer the +question more easily? Well, if you can, I can't, and +if you have anything to say on the subject I shall be +glad to hear it.</p> + +<p>Personally, I think the question practically amounts +to this: Which would you rather be, a man or a +woman?</p> + +<p>Now, this is a question which my readers will find +difficulty in answering, and even in speaking about, with +authority, as each of them has only had the experiences +of one sex.</p> + +<p>Before answering it, we must indeed talk it over with +some very intimate and trustworthy friends of the other +sex, and compare their sentiments and sensations with +our own. We must recall to our minds all the observations +which we have made on the lives of men and +women whom we have known. Let us not follow the +example of the woman who would be a man 'because +men are free,' and the man who would be a woman +'because women are admired,' for the reason that all +men are not free, and women are far from being all +admired.</p> + +<p>I have interviewed on the subject many men and +many women, and I have found an enormous majority +of women who would elect to be men, and only a very +small minority of men who would elect to be women. +Conclusion: most people would elect to be men.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> + +<p>I am a man, and if I were to be born again and asked +to make a choice, I would elect to be a man; but the +reason may be that I possess many failings of which I +am aware, and also a few qualities which the most imperfect +of us must necessarily possess who are not +absolute objects of perdition.</p> + +<p>For let us say at once that sex suits character.</p> + +<p>I love freedom and hate conventionalities; I am a +man of action, and must always be up and doing. I do +not believe that I am in any way tyrannical, yet I like +to lead and have my own way. If the position of first +fiddle is engaged, I decline to form part of the orchestra. +Most of these characteristics are failings, perhaps even +faults, but I possess them, and I cannot help possessing +them, and they naturally induce me to prefer being a +man.</p> + +<p>I have made my confession, let my readers make +theirs instead of taking me to task. I hate to feel protected, +to be petted, but I would love to protect and +pet a beloved one, whom I would think weaker than +myself. I am a born fighter, and I don't care for +smooth paths, unless I can make them smooth myself +for my own use and also for the use of those who walk +through life by my side.</p> + +<p>But, leaving aside personal characteristics which +would lead me to elect to be a man, there are many +reasons which would cause me to make that choice quite +independent of my character. Nature has given women +beauty of face and figure, but there she stopped, and to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> +make her pay for that gift she has handicapped her in +every possible way.</p> + +<p>And when I consider that there are in this world +more ugly women than beautiful ones, and that an ugly +woman is the abomination of desolation, an anomaly, a +freak, I altogether fail to see why ninety women out +of a hundred should return thanks for being women. +I have no hesitation in saying that the woman who is +not beautiful has no <i>raison d'être</i>, and that only a few +beautiful women are happy to be alive after they are +forty.</p> + +<p>Women have terrible grievances, many of which +society and legislation (that is to say, in the second +case, man) ought to redress. But the greatest grievances +of women are, to my mind, against nature. These +grievances cannot and will never be redressed.</p> + +<p>In love woman has an unfair position. She gets old +when a man of the same age remains young. In every +race she is handicapped out of any chance of winning or +even getting a dead heat. For these reasons especially +I should elect to be a man.</p> + +<p>Ah, what a pity we cannot decide our fate in every +phase of life! in which case I would elect to be a +beautiful woman from twenty to thirty, a brilliant +officer from thirty to forty, a celebrated painter from +forty to fifty, a famous poet or novelist from fifty to +sixty, Prime Minister of England or President of the +United States from sixty to seventy, and a Cardinal for +the rest of my life.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2> + +<h3>RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND</h3> + + +<p>When a woman says of her husband, 'He is a wretch!' +she may still love him; probably she does. When she +says, 'Oh, he is a good sort'—poor fellow!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>After bravery and generosity, tact and discretion +are the two qualities that women most admire in +men; audacity comes next.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Speaking of his wife, a Duke says, 'The Duchess'; +a man standing always on ceremony, 'Mrs. B.'; a +gentleman, 'My wife'; an idiot, 'My better half'; a +common man, 'The missus'; a working man, as a +compliment, 'The old woman'; a French grocer, 'La +patronne'; a French working man, 'La bourgeoise.' +The sweet French word 'épouse' is only used now by +Paris concierges.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Women are roses. I always suspected it from the +thorns.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In the good old times of poetry and adventures,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> +when a man was refused a girl by her parents, he +carried her off; now he asks for another. But, then, +posting exists no longer except for letters, and there is +no poetry in eloping in a railroad car. Oh, progress! +oh, civilization! such is thy handicraft! Dull, +prosaic times we are living in!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Woman is an angel who may become a devil, a sister +of mercy who may change into a viper, a ladybird who +may be transformed into a stinging-bee. Sometimes +she never changes, and all her lifetime remains angel, +sister of mercy, ladybird, and sweet fragrant flower. +It depends a great deal on the gardener.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When a man is on the wrong path in life, it is +seldom he does not meet a woman who says to him, +'Don't go that way'; but when it is a woman who +has lost her way, she always meets a man who indicates +to her the wrong path.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The Lord took from man a rib, with which He +made a woman. As soon as this process was finished, +woman went back to man, and took the rest of him, +which she has kept ever since.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The heart is a hollow and fleshy muscle which causes +the blood to set in motion. It appears that this is +what we love with. Funny!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<p>Circe was an enchantress who changed men into pigs. +Why do I say was? I don't think that she is dead.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Women were not born to command, but they have +enough inborn power to govern man who commands, +and, as a rule, the best and happiest marriages are +those where women have most authority, and where +their advice is oftenest followed.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>There are three ways for a man to get popular with +women. The first is to love them, the second to sympathize +with their inclinations, and the third to give +them reasons that will raise them in their own estimation. +In other words, love them, love what they love, +or cause them to love themselves better. Love, always +love.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A woman knows that a man is in love with her long +before he does. A woman's intuition is keener than +her sight; in fact, it is a sixth sense given to her by +nature, and which is more powerful than the other five +put together.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Very beautiful, as well as very good, women are +seldom very clever or very witty; yet a beautiful woman +who is good is the masterpiece of creation.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A woman will often more easily resist the love which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> +she feels for a man than the love which she inspires in +him. It is in the most beautiful nature of woman to +consider herself as a reward, but it is also, unfortunately +for her, too often her misfortune.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>We admire a foreigner who gets naturalized in our +own country, and despise a compatriot who makes a +foreigner of himself. If a man joins our religion, we +call him converted; if one of ours goes over to another, +we call him perverted. In the same way, we blame the +inconstancy of a woman when she leaves us for another, +and we find her charming when she leaves another to +come to us.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The reputation that a woman should try to obtain +and deserve is to be a sensible woman in her house and +an amiable woman in society.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Frivolous love may satisfy a man and a woman for a +time, but only true and earnest love can satisfy a +husband and a wife. Only this kind of love will +survive the thousand-and-one little drawbacks of matrimony.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Men and women can no more conceal the love they +feel than they can feign the one which they feel not.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love feeds on contrasts to such an extent that you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +see dark men prefer blondes, poets marry cooks and +laundresses, clever men marry fools, and giants marry +dwarfs.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>God has created beautiful women in order to force +upon men the belief in His existence.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Like all the other fruits placed on earth for the +delectation of men, the most beautiful women are not +always the best and the most delicious.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In the heroic times of chivalry men drew their +swords for the sake of women; in these modern prosaic +ones they draw their cheques.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Women entertain but little respect for men who have +blind confidence in their love and devotion; they much +prefer those who feel that they have to constantly keep +alive the first and deserve the second.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A woman can take the measure of a man in half the +time it takes a man to have the least notion of a +woman.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>There are three kinds of men: those who will come +across temptations and resist them, those who will avoid +them for fear of succumbing, and those who seek them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> +Among the first are to be found only men whose love +for a woman is the first consideration of their lives.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Young girls should bear in mind that husbands are +not creatures who are always making love, any more +than soldiers are men who are always fighting.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A love affair will interest even a very old woman, +just as the account of a race will always interest an +old jockey. Habit, you see!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The friendship of women for women is very often less +based on love, or even sympathy, than on little indiscreet +confidences which they may have made to one +another.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In order that love may be lasting, it must be closely +allied with tried friendship. One cannot replace the +other, but so long as both march abreast, living +together, a man and a woman can find life delicious.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>It is not matrimony that kills love, but the way in +which many people live in the state of matrimony. +It may be affirmed, however, that only intelligent +diplomatists (alas! the select few!) can make love +last long in matrimonial life.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Women who suggest to the mind notes of interrogation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> +are more interesting than those, too perfect, who +only suggest notes of admiration.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Constant reproaches do not kill love so quickly and +so surely as constant reminders of what one has done to +deserve gratitude. Why? Simply because Cupid loves +freedom, and lives on it. To ask for love as a debt of +gratitude is like forcing it, and the failure is fatal.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Women are all actresses. What makes actresses so +fascinating and attractive to men is that they are +women twice over.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Woman is weak and man is strong—so we constantly +hear, at any rate. Then why, in the name of common-sense, +do we expect to find in women virtues that +demand a strength of which we men are not capable?</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>There are women in the world who love with such +ardour, such sincerity, and such devotion, that, after +their death, they ought to be canonized.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love is a divine law; duty is only a human—nay, +only a social—one. That is why love will always +triumph over duty; it is the greater of the two.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Lovers are very much like thieves; they proceed very +much in the same way, and the same fate eventually<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> +awaits them. First, they take superfluous precautions; +then by degrees they neglect them, until they forget to +take the necessary ones, and they are caught.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A man who has been married enters the kingdom of +heaven ex-officio, having served his purgatory on earth; +but if he has been married twice he is invariably refused +admittance, as the Sojourn of the Seraphs is no place +for lunatics.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>As long as there is one woman left on the face of +the earth, and one man left to observe her, the +world will be able to hear something new about +women.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A man may be as perfect as you like, he will never +be but a rough diamond until he has been cut and +polished by the delicate hand of a woman.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Middle-aged and elderly men are often embellished +by characteristic lines engraven on their faces, but +women are not jealous of them.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A woman who marries a second time runs two risks: +she may regret that she lost her first husband, or that +she did not always have the second one. But, in the +first case, her second husband may regret her first one +even more than she does, and tell her so, too.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<p>Many men say that they marry to make an end; but +they forget that if marriage is for them an end, it is a +beginning for the women, and then, look out!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>It is a great misfortune not to be loved by the one +you love; but it is a still greater one to be loved by the +one whom you have ceased to love.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love is like most contagious diseases: the more +afraid you are of it, the more likely you are to catch it.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Men and women have in common five senses; but +women possess a sixth one, by far the keenest of all—intuition. +For that matter, women do not even think, +argue, and judge as safely as they feel.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Cupid and Hymen are brothers, but, considering the +difference in their temperaments, they cannot be sons +by the same wife.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The motto of Cupid is, 'All or nothing'; that of +Hymen, 'All and nothing.'</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love is more indulgent than Friendship for acts of +infidelity.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>If men were all deaf, and women all blind, matrimony +would stand a much better chance of success.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN AND THEIR WAYS</h3> + + +<p>I sometimes wonder how some women dare go out when +it is windy. Their hats are fixed to their hair by +means of long pins; their hair is fixed to their heads by +means of short ones, and sometimes it happens that +their heads are fixed to their shoulders by the most +delicate of contrivances. Yes, it is wonderful!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Fiction is full of Kings and Princes marrying shepherdesses +and beggar-maids; but in reality it is only +the Grand-Ducal House of Tuscany, which for nearly +three hundred years has exhibited royal Princesses +running away with dancing masters and French masters +engaged at their husbands' courts.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A man in love is always interesting. What a pity it +is that husbands cannot always be in love!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Men who always praise women do not know them<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> +well; men who always speak ill of them do not know +them at all.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>What particularly flatters the vanity of women is to +know that some men love them and dare not tell +them so. However, they do not always insist on those +men remaining silent for ever.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The saddest spectacle that the world can offer is +that of a sweet, sensible, intelligent woman married +to a conceited, tyrannical fool.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The mirror is the only friend who is allowed to know +the secrets of a woman's imperfections.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When a woman is deeply in love, the capacity of her +heart for charity is without limit. If all women were +in love there would be no poverty on the face of the +earth.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The fidelity of a man to the woman he loves is not a +duty, but almost an act of selfishness. It is for his own +sake still more than for hers that he should be faithful +to her.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Two excellent kinds of wine mixed together may +make a very bad drink. An excellent man and a very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> +good woman married together may make an abominable +match.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Jealousy, discreet and delicate, is a proof of modesty +which should be appreciated by the very woman who +should resent violent jealousy.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When you constantly hear the talent or the wit of a +woman praised, you may take it for granted that she is +not beautiful. If she were, you would hear her beauty +praised first of all.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>It is slow poison that kills love most surely. Love +will survive even infidelity rather than boredom or +satiety.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Men study women, and form opinions, generally +wrong ones. Women look at men, guess their character, +and seldom make mistakes.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>All the efforts that an old woman makes to hide her +age only help to advertise it louder.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Of a man and a woman, it is the one who is loved, +but who does not love, that is the unhappier of the +two.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> + +<p>Women often see without looking; men often look +without seeing.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>I know handsome men who are bald, and there are +not a few, but many, who derive distinction from this +baldness. There are men—severe, stern types of men—who +are not disfigured, but improved, by spectacles. +Just imagine, if you can, the possibility of a bald woman +with spectacles inspiring a tender passion! So much +for the infallibility of the proverb, 'What's sauce for +the goose is sauce for the gander,' so often quoted by +women when they are told that men can afford to do +this or that, but not they. Lady women-righters, please +answer.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In the tender relations between men and women, +novelty is a wonderful attraction, and habit a powerful +bond; but between the two there is a bottomless precipice +into which love often falls, never to be heard of +afterward. Happy those who know how to bridge over +the chasm!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A woman never forgets, however old she may be, that +she was once very beautiful. Why should she? The +pity is that she very often forgets that she is so no +longer. My pet aversion in society is the woman of +sixty who succeeds in making herself look fifty, thinks +she is forty, acts as if she were thirty, and dresses as if +she were twenty.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> + +<p>I am not prepared to say that celibacy is preferable +to marriage; it has, however, this decided advantage +over it: a bachelor can always cease to be one the +moment he has discovered that he has made a mistake.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Women are extremists in everything. Poets, painters +and sculptors know this so well that they have always +taken women as models for War, Pestilence, Death, +Famine and Justice, Virtue, Glory, Victory, Pity, +Charity. On the other hand, virtues and vices, blessings +and calamities of a lesser degree are represented +by men. Such are Work, Perseverance, Laziness, +Avarice, etc.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>It is not given to any man or woman to fall in love +more than once with the same person. And although +men and women may love several times in succession, +they can only once love to the fulness of their hearts.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love does to women what the sun does to flowers: it +colours them, embellishes them, makes them look +radiant and beautiful; but when it is too ardent it +consumes and withers them.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>There are two terribly embarrassing moments in the +life of a man. The first is when he has to say 'all' to +the woman he loves, and the second when all is said.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + +<p>If a man is not to a certain extent ill at ease in +the presence of a woman, you may be quite sure that +he does not really love her.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A woman explains the beauty of a woman; a man +feels it. A man does not always know why a woman is +beautiful; a woman always does.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The sweetest music in the ears of a woman is the +sound of the praises of the man whom she loves.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>It is a mistake for a married couple to consider that +marriage has made them one. To be attractive to each +other they should each preserve their personality +quite distinct. Marriage is very often dull because +man and wife are one, and feel lonely. Most people +get bored in their own company.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Happiness in matrimony is sober, serious, based on +love, confidence, and friendship. Those who seek in +it frivolity, pleasure, noise, and passion condemn +themselves to penal servitude.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The great misfortune of mankind is that matrimony +is the only vocation for which candidates have had no +training; yet it is the one that requires the most +careful preparation.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> + +<p>On the part of a husband, violent jealousy is an +insult to his wife, but delicate, discreet jealousy is +almost a compliment to her, for it proves his lack of +self-confidence, and that sometimes he feels he is not +good enough for her, not worthy of her.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Most women have the hearts of poets and the minds +of diplomatists. What makes a wife so useful to an +ambassador is that she adds her own power of intuition +to the five senses already possessed by her husband.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love in matrimony can live only on condition that +man and wife remain interesting in each other's eyes. +Devotion, fidelity, attention to duty, and all the troop +of domestic virtues will not be sufficient to keep love +alive.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Beauty is not the mother of Love. On the contrary, +it is often love which engenders beauty, gives brilliancy +to the eyes, gracefulness to the body, vibration to the +voice. Love is the sun that hatches the flowers of +the soul. The face which reflects all the inner sentiments +of the heart betrays the love of its owner, and is +beautiful.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Those who in good faith promise eternal love and +those who believe in such promises are dupes—the +former of their hearts, the latter of their vanity.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> +Wine well taken care of improves by keeping, but +not for ever; it is destined to turn to vinegar sooner +or later.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Love is a great healer. The worst characteristic +traits of a man and of a woman have been known to be +cured by it.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Men and women do not love before they are thirty, +men especially. Until then it is little more than +rehearsing. Fortunate are those who retain for the +play the same company they had engaged for the +rehearsal.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER X</h2> + +<h3>WOMAN'S MISSION IN THIS WORLD</h3> + + +<p>Naturalists make little difference between women and +the other females of the animal kingdom: they declare +that the mission of woman is to be a mother. Napoleon +I., who was a naturalist, being asked to give a +definition of the best woman, answered: 'The one who +bears most children.' And as for him man was mere +'cannon flesh,' I am surprised he did not say, 'The one +who bears most boys.'</p> + +<p>Moralists are kinder to women; they go so far as to +grant that woman's mission is twofold: that she is +intended to be a wife and a mother; that she is to be +the guardian of the hearth, submissive and devoted to +man, her lord and master; to look after her household, +and be absorbed by her duties toward her husband +and children.</p> + +<p>No sinecure, this mission of woman, as you see—no +joke either; but moralists have no sense of humour—not +a particle of it.</p> + +<p>No doubt this double rôle of wife and mother is most +respectable; it is even sacred; but woman's nature +demands something else. To restrict her circle of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> +activity and influence to her family is to misappreciate +her many faculties, her aspirations, her feelings, which, +like those of men, are entitled to respect; it amounts to +not recognising that her mission is not only familial, +but social also.</p> + +<p>I will not dwell on the part she is called upon to play +in the family as wife and mother. We men all know it, +whether we are husbands or sons; but we have also to +consider what the rôle of woman is in that society of +which she is the great civilizing element as well as the +greatest ornament.</p> + +<p>The most noble part that has been allotted to woman +is that of the flower in the vegetable kingdom. This +rôle consists in throwing a spell over the world, in +making life more refined and poetical—in a word, in +spreading fragrance around her and imparting it to all +who come in contact with her. A wag once said that +but for the women men could have hoped for Paradise. +Good! But what about this world? Is not woman +the direct or indirect motive for all our actions? Is +she not the embodiment of the beautiful, and therefore +the mother of Art?</p> + +<p>If she is sometimes the cause of a crime, is she not +always the cause of the most heroic deeds performed by +man? Can we for a moment suppose society without +her? Why, without her it would fall into a state of +indolence and degradation, even of utter abjection. +Would life be worth living without the sweet presence +of kind, cheerful, and amiable women?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> + +<p>Ah, my dear sir, make fun of woman in your club as +much as you like; crack jokes at her expense to your +heart's content; but acknowledge frankly that you are +under her power—at least, I hope, under her influence—and +that you could no more do without her than +without the air which enables you to breathe.</p> + +<p>Talk of woman's mission as wife and mother, as +naturalists and moralists do, but let all of us artists +cry at the top of our voices that woman's mission is to +make life beautiful by the cultivation of her own +beauty, beauty of body, mind, and heart.</p> + +<p>It is the duty of woman to look as beautiful as she +can; it is her imperious duty to charm the world by +her sweetness and amiability. A woman who neglects +this duty is guilty toward her fellow-creatures, even +guilty toward her Maker, by not helping the destiny +for which she was created. Countries are civilized in +proportion to the influence that women have over men +in them.</p> + +<p>As long as gardens have flowers and the world has +beautiful and amiable women, so long will life be worth +living.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2> + +<h3>IS WOMAN INFERIOR TO MAN?</h3> + + +<p>Many, many years ago a great council was held to +discuss the question whether women had souls. I forget +the conclusion which that learned assembly arrived at; +but what is certain is that now most men do believe +that women have souls, although a great number of +them are still of opinion that woman is a being inferior +to man.</p> + +<p>They hold that man is the lord of creation, the +masterpiece, the last word of the Almighty.</p> + +<p>Now, is this really the case? First, God made the +earth, then light, after which He created fishes, birds, +and animals of all sorts. Then He said: 'I will now +create a being far above all the other animals.'</p> + +<p>He took some mud; mark well, I say, some mud, and +made Adam. In His wisdom He thought that mud +was not good enough to make woman out of, and for +her creation he took matter which had already been +purified by His Divine breath, and He took part of +Adam, and out of it made Eve.</p> + +<p>Now, surely, my dear fellow-men, you must own that +either mud is better stuff than yourself, or you must<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> +confess that woman has a nobler origin than you. You +can't get out of it.</p> + +<p>Please notice the order of creation: Fish, birds, +animals, man and woman. If men do not admit that +the Creator began by the least and finished with the +best, they will have to conclude that lobsters, eels, +crocodiles, sharks, owls, vultures, and mere sparrows are +beings superior to them.</p> + +<p>If men do not recognise the superiority of these +animals over them, they will have to come to the conclusion +that the work of creation is one of improvement +every day.</p> + +<p>But man will say, woman is not so strong as we are. +True enough; but horses are stronger than men; +elephants by trampling on them can make marmalade +of them. Stags are swifter than men. Camels can +carry a weight of 2,500 lb. on their backs. Birds can +fly, and men are only trying machines to help them +do it.</p> + +<p>Is man more intelligent than woman? Certainly not. +Who ate the apple? I know that Eve was the first to +be disobedient, but she had an idea, at all events before +Adam had one.</p> + +<p>Had he even the power of resistance? No. Did he +even try to shield woman after the offence was committed? +No, he didn't, the coward. He turned +against her and accused her of being the cause of the +whole evil done. Poor beginning, a poor show, and a +sad lesson by which men have profited, and to this day<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> +they turn against the woman they have deceived, and +often abandon her. Man is still true to his origin.</p> + +<p>My dear sirs, the proof that God was satisfied that, +in creating woman, He had said the last word of His +Divine work, is that He entrusted her with the most +noble of missions, that of bearing the future generations, +of bringing children to the world, of guiding +their first steps, of cultivating their minds and inculcating +in them the love of what is good and right. In +intending woman to be mother, God proclaimed the +superiority of women over the rest of the creation.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN WHO ARE FOLLOWED AND ANNOYED IN THE STREET</h3> + + +<p>I have constantly heard women complain, in Paris, in +London, and in New York, that they can seldom go out +in the street without being followed and annoyed by +men, many of whom look like gentlemen.</p> + +<p>And they express their complaint in tones of indignation +not altogether free from a little air of self-satisfaction +that seems to say: 'Of course a pretty woman +like myself is bound to be noticed and stared at by +men.'</p> + +<p>Well, I hate to say anything unpleasant to women, +but there is an illusion in which they too often indulge, +and which I should like to dispel at once.</p> + +<p>There are women beautiful as they can be, who can +walk in every city perfectly unmolested and in perfect +comfort and security, and who would be unable to +tell you whether any man or woman had noticed +them.</p> + +<p>We men are not so bold as many women believe, nor +are we so silly. We have instinct, and we know pretty +well the woman who enjoys being noticed and looked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +at, and even the one who seeks that enjoyment for +purpose of self-satisfaction or vanity.</p> + +<p>I am over fifty years old, and any girl of twenty, I +guarantee, will make me feel as timid as she likes in her +presence, not by words, but simply by her attitude of +dignity and reserve.</p> + +<p>And I believe that practically the same might be said +of every man who is not an unmitigated scoundrel or +blackguard.</p> + +<p>In a word, I should like to prove that a woman, who +is too often noticed and followed in the street, should +be offended by it, and have enough conscience of her +value to mention it as little as possible; she should also +exercise more control over herself and pay great attention +to the way she dresses, looks and walks when out +in the street.</p> + +<p>For if she is constantly followed, take it for granted +that there is in her appearance something, just a little +something, that gives a wrong impression of her.</p> + +<p>Let women have simplicity in their toilette, dignity +in their manner, a severe gracefulness in their general +attitude, and I guarantee you that no man—I mean no +fairly well-bred man—will ever turn round to look at +them.</p> + +<p>Women should not call it success. They should feel +humiliated to see that some gloriously beautiful women +do not obtain it. They should take advice and seek a +remedy with the earnestness of that cashier who, returning +home, could not even take notice of his wife<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> +and children, much less kiss them, until he had discovered +the cause of an error of a penny in his +accounts amounting to several thousands of pounds.</p> + +<p>When a woman tells me that she cannot go out without +men looking and smiling at her, I have always a +mind to say to her: 'Perhaps you wink at them.'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2> + +<h3>DANGEROUS MEN</h3> + +<h3>(A WARNING TO WOMEN)</h3> + + +<p>Among the men who are the most dangerous for women +must be reckoned those whose advances of love generally +prove unsuccessful. Women have no idea of the +harm that may be done to them by those parasites of +their homes.</p> + +<p>A woman, young, amiable, and cheerful, welcomes +such men in her house without entertaining any suspicion. +She invites them to her receptions, her dinner-parties; +she often finds them pleasant, witty, and then +they venture a few flattering compliments. She at first +accepts them as the current coin of society, and pays no +attention to them.</p> + +<p>As she is amiable to her guests, she is not on her +guard, and she treats them to the same smiles, which +these fops of the purest water often imagine are gracious +smiles conferred on them only. Thus encouraged, they +go further, and venture compliments bordering on +declarations of love, or, at any rate, on expressions of +deep admiration. The young woman, used to compliments,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> +takes no notice of our heroes, or pretends to have +understood nothing.</p> + +<p>Her silence is then taken for a tacit acceptance, and +the fops, emboldened, make an open declaration of love. +Now, a regular flirt or coquette knows how to encourage +or discourage a man with one glance, but a perfectly +good woman is taken unaware; she feels embarrassed, +and, thus apparently encouraged, these men get bolder +and bolder, until the young woman has to show them +the door.</p> + +<p>Then her troubles begin. These parasites will go to +their clubs, and, even in drawing-rooms, say that she is +a heartless coquette who encourages men to make love +to her just to amuse herself. They abuse her, watch +her, and, if one day she should compromise herself in +the least, woe to her if the secret should fall into such +men's hands! There is no revenge of which they are +not capable. A case of this sort was, not long ago, +investigated thoroughly, and it turned out that an +anonymous letter had been written to the husband of a +most charming society woman by a cur whom she had +to turn out of her house for offering her a worthless +love.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2> + +<h3>THE MAN WHO SMILES</h3> + + +<p>There is to be met in society a man who is particularly +provoking and supremely objectionable and offensive. +He is about forty, very gentlemanly, self-possessed, +irreproachably dressed, well informed, interesting talker, +with a somewhat patronizing air, and an eternal smile +of self-satisfaction on his face.</p> + +<p>This man has compromised more women than many +a 'devil of a fellow.' If you say before him, 'Mrs. +X. is very beautiful, isn't she?' he says nothing, but +smiles complacently. So you look at him and add:</p> + +<p>'Oh, you know her, then?' He smiles again. 'You +don't say so!' you remark. 'I should have thought +her a woman above the breath of suspicion.'</p> + +<p>He smiles still. You become persuaded that he is, +or has been, on the most intimate terms with the lady +in question.</p> + +<p>Mention before him the name of any woman you like +to choose, and if the woman is in the least fashionable, +or renowned for her beauty or position, he smiles.</p> + +<p>If at a ball he asks a lady to give him the pleasure +of her partnership for a waltz or a polka, he leans close<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> +toward her, smiling at her in such a strange way that +people believe he is telling her words of love, or, worse, +that he is granted permission to do so.</p> + +<p>If he calls on a lady on her reception day, he has a +way to salute her, to kiss her hand, to look at her in +a patronizing way that seems to say to the other +callers:</p> + +<p>'See how ceremonious I am with her before other +people, and what a good comedian I am!'</p> + +<p>And he smiles, smiles, and smiles.</p> + +<p>Women are ill at ease in his presence. They hate +him, but as he is content with smiling, and goes no +further, what are they to do? They avoid him when +they can, his smiles are so compromising.</p> + +<p>And they are right. His smiles are more compromising +than <i>bonâ fide</i> slander and calumny.</p> + +<p>The men hate him, too, but they feel as powerless as +the women do. They would like to slap his face, but +you cannot say to a man:</p> + +<p>'I slap your face because I saw you smile on hearing +my wife's name.'</p> + +<p>No, that would be too absurd. He knows it, and +that is why he goes on smiling. He is safe.</p> + +<p>When he hears a bit of gossip on a woman, he +immediately takes her defence, but in such a weak +manner, and with such a smile on his face all the time, +that people immediately come to the conclusion that +'it must be all true.'</p> + +<p>What is most provoking is that the man has not a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> +bad reputation. He has never been openly mixed in +any intrigue, and even his intimate friends have never +heard of any love affair connecting him with any woman. +For some people he is an enigma, for others a clever +comedian, a maniac, a bore, or a fop.</p> + +<p>For men who justly hold that women should be +treated with such respect that no act of man should +cause anyone to even breathe a light remark on their +character, the man who smiles is a cur.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN AND DOLLS</h3> + + +<p>The love of little girls for their dolls is a very serious +love; it absolutely amounts to maternal tenderness. I +have watched little girls nurse their dolls, and detected +in their eyes that almost divine glance that you can see +in devoted mothers tending their little children. For +that matter a little girl is only a woman in miniature. +A young boy has none, or very few, of the characteristics +of a man; but a young girl has, at ten years of age, +all the characteristics of a woman.</p> + +<p>I have known little girls of ten and twelve who were +perfect flirts, little coquettes, careful housekeepers, and, +toward their dolls, most devoted mothers. I remember +one who sternly refused to accompany us to a most +tempting party, because her doll had a cold and she +felt she must stay at home to nurse it. She was absolutely +serious over it, and found even great delight in +remaining at home all the time by the bedside of her +doll. I remember another who had spent the whole +morning cleaning her doll's house from top to bottom. +When it was all over she drew a great sigh of relief. +'At last,' she said, 'the house is clean; that's comfort,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> +anyway.' A good, dutiful, bourgeois housewife would +not have expressed herself otherwise. Have you not, +some of you, even seen little girls give medicines to +their dolls, rock them to sleep, put them to bed, tuck +them in most carefully, and see that the bedclothes did +not choke them and cause them to have nightmares? +I have, many times.</p> + +<p>A man very often shows inclinations, tastes, and all +sorts of characteristic traits which his parents never discovered +in him when he was a young boy; but a woman +of thirty is what she was when she was ten, only a little +more so. A bad boy may become a very good man, +and I have known very good boys become very bad +men; but a caressing, loving little girl will surely make +a loving wife and a tender mother; a cold and uncaressing +little girl will become a heartless woman, an +indifferent wife and mother. A boy is a boy! a little +girl is a little woman.</p> + +<p>This is so true that women, many women at all events, +who treated their dolls as if they were children, treat +their children as if they were dolls. It is the survival +of the little girl in the woman. I have known women +allow the hair of their boys to fall down their backs in +long curls because they looked prettier and more like +dolls, although they must have known that the sap of +their young bodies was feeding hair at the expense of +other far more important parts of their anatomy. +When you see a woman most attentive to her baby, insisting +on washing it, dressing it herself, you say: 'She<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> +is a most dutiful mother; she would trust no one but +herself to attend her little child.' But it is not only +the satisfaction of a duty performed that makes that +woman look so happy, it is also the pleasure she derives +from it. And the odds are ten to one that this very +woman will play at doll with her child a great deal too +long, and that the day on which she will be compelled +to allow the child to have some liberty and become +independent of her, she will resent it.</p> + +<p>There is not, I believe, a single elderly woman that +does not prefer the child of her daughter to her +daughter herself, who has become now an unmanageable +doll who dresses and undresses without the help of +anybody. And if this daughter does not allow her +mother to do with the grandchild just as she likes, there +will be trouble, caused by jealousy. There will be two +women now to play at dolls. Why does a grandmother +indulge a young child, give it sweets and candies? Is +it to give that child a good digestion? No; it is to +play at dolls. Do they dress little girls like the +'principal boys' of pantomimes in the palace scene, in +order to make them acquire modest tastes and sensible +notions? No; it is to play at dolls.</p> + +<p>Woman plays at dolls to the end of her life, with her +toys, with her children, with her grandchildren, and +with herself.</p> + +<p>I have never heard women have a good word to say +of daughters-in-law who had not given children to their +sons. Poor, dear old ladies! They certainly were under<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> +the impression that their sons had only one object in +view when they contemplated matrimony, that of presenting +'Grannie' with dolls to play with. I quite +understand that grandmothers should be admired, that +children should bless them, and even advise other children +to 'get some,' when they have not got any, but I +do not think that grandmothers should be held up to +the world as models, because more than nine times out +of ten they spoil children, and derive pleasure not from +duties performed to the child, but from the satisfaction +of playing at dolls. I have very often met sensible +mothers, but grandmothers seldom; they generally are +incorrigible sinners—and proud of it, too.</p> + +<p>Alphonse Karr, in his 'Reminiscences,' relates how he +used to meet in society a young and charming woman +who always behaved towards him in a very cool manner. +Unable to understand the reason, he one day took a +chair by her side, made himself particularly pleasant, +and point-blank asked her why she did not seem pleased +to meet him, and inquired whether he might have +unconsciously done anything to cause her displeasure. +For a long time she defended herself, assuring him that +her coldness towards him was only in his imagination; +but, as he insisted, she at last said to him: 'Well, I +will tell you. It was thirty-five years ago. One afternoon +you called on us, and I was in the drawing-room. +Being invited to take a seat by my mother, you chose +an arm-chair on which my doll was asleep. You +removed it, and quite unceremoniously laid it on a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> +table, head downwards, at the risk of hurting it. In +fact, you damaged its nose. I conceived for you a +perfect hatred, and, upon my word, I do not think +that I am now capable of forgiving you altogether.'</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Moral.</span>—If you want to get into the good graces +of a woman, praise her baby; if you want a little girl +to love you, admire her dolls and treat them with +respect.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2> + +<h3>MEN AS A RULE ARE SELFISH—TWO KINDS OF SELFISH +MEN</h3> + + +<p>There are in the world men who are devotion and self-abnegation +personified; there are women who are the +embodiment of selfishness. From this we cannot lay +down a rule any more than we could if, in landing in +New York, we saw a red-haired woman, and said at +once:</p> + +<p>'The Americans are a red-haired people.'</p> + +<p>But as, during my life, I have known more men who +are selfish than unselfish, and more women who are unselfish +than selfish, I am prepared to conclude that man +is more selfish than woman.</p> + +<p>I have known men of small income (and in their way +good men they were) belong to two or three clubs, dine +at expensive restaurants, and smoke excellent cigars all +day long.</p> + +<p>Their daughters had to give lessons in order to +obtain the money that was necessary for dressing +decently, and the house had to be kept on most +economical lines.</p> + +<p>I have known others, not worse than those I have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> +just mentioned, allow nothing but water on their family +table, and take champagne for dinner at the club or +the restaurant.</p> + +<p>I could divide selfish men into two classes: the man +with good redeeming features, and the execrably selfish +man.</p> + +<p>The former is good-hearted and fairly sensitive. He +hates nobody, because hatred disturbs sleep and rest. +He avoids emotions for his own comfort; he is learnedly +selfish.</p> + +<p>If you are unhappy, in distressed circumstances, +don't bother him about it. He is sorry, he cannot help +it, and he would rather not hear of it.</p> + +<p>If you are ill, do not expect a visit from him; the +sight of pain or grief affects him. If you are in want, +he may send you a £5 note, but he does not want to +see you. He seeks the company of cheerful and happy +people only.</p> + +<p>He has an income of £6,000 a year, and will tell +you that nobody dies of starvation except in novels.</p> + +<p>He turns his head from wretches shivering with cold +in the street, and is of opinion that a good Government +should suppress paupers and all sorts of people who +disturb the peace and happiness of the rich. His +friends call him 'a good fellow.'</p> + +<p>The other type is execrable. The miseries of other +people increase his happiness. When he sees a starving-looking +man or a sick one, he returns thanks that he is +rich and healthy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> + +<p>He does not avoid the unfortunate: he almost seeks +them. The more horrible tales you tell him of poverty, +sorrows, disease, wretchedness, the happier he is to feel +that he runs no danger of ever encountering such +calamities.</p> + +<p>Well wrapped up in furs in a good carriage, the sight +of a beggar, benumbed with cold, sitting on the stone +steps of an empty house, doubles his comfort. He +finds his carriage better suspended, and his furs +warmer.</p> + +<p>He almost believes that the abject poor were invented +to make him appreciate his good fortune better. He +is not unlike those fanatics of a certain school who +believe that the greatest bliss reserved for the elect in +heaven is to see their less fortunate brethren burn in +hell. As I have said, this type of selfish man is +execrable.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVII</h2> + +<h3>EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES</h3> + +<h3>THE RIGHT AND WRONG IN THE CASE OF A ROYAL PRINCESS</h3> + + +<p>Since the escapade of the Royal Princess of Saxony +with the French tutor Giron, many have asked me, +'Do you approve or forgive her? Do you not think +that a woman who can no longer endure life with a +sullen and unsympathetic husband has a right to break +away from the social conventionalities of life and go her +own way in search of happiness?'</p> + +<p>The question is not easy to answer. There may be, +or there may not be, extenuating circumstances in the +conduct of a woman who deserts her husband, or a man +who leaves his wife.</p> + +<p>First of all, let me say that I place the consideration +of duty far higher than that of personal happiness. +Therefore, a man or a woman who abandons a home +where there are children of a tender age, children who +require the protection of a father and the affection of +a mother, which no one can replace, is a coward that +should be placed under the ban of society.</p> + +<p>I don't care how much a woman may fall in love<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> +with a man, or a man with a woman, the duty of either +is to remain by the side of their children, to watch over +their education, and to see them launched in life. If +they shirk this duty, there is no excuse, no atonement +for their conduct, which closely borders on +crime.</p> + +<p>When there are no children, I admit that there may +be circumstances in which I would forgive a man or a +woman who leaves a home in which life has become +unendurable, in order to seek happiness in the company +of a partner who has given proof of love, devotion, and +disinterestedness. I might also be prepared to forgive +if the children were grown up and able to support themselves.</p> + +<p>On no account, however, could I approve, or even +forgive, a man who leaves a wife with whom life may +have become as intolerable as you like without duly +providing for her comfort, even if by so doing he should +have nothing left for himself, and be obliged to start +life afresh.</p> + +<p>I do not admit that anyone, man or woman, has +a right to shirk responsibilities imposed by solemn +promises. Let them set this right first of all. After +that, let them solve the problem of happiness as best +they can.</p> + +<p>No doubt there are drawbacks in holding royal +honours, but I believe in the old motto, <i>Noblesse +oblige</i>; and if <i>noblesse</i> does, surely royalty should. +Royalty nowadays is not of much use, except when it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> +gives to the people over which it rules the example of +all virtues, of all domestic virtues especially.</p> + +<p>When people are born in the purple, they are born +with responsibilities. If they fling them to the four +winds of the earth, there is no use for royalty: the +reason for its existence has ceased to exist.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVIII</h2> + +<h3>AMERICAN WOMEN IN PARIS</h3> + + +<p>Every year in Paris, in springtime, we see the American +women reappear with the regularity of the swallow. +We expect them, we watch for their arrival, and we +are delighted when we hear them say, with their singing +voices, that they have come for our season, which +begins in April and goes on till 'The Grand Prix' is +run during the second week of June.</p> + +<p>The American woman is not only received, but +eagerly sought in our most aristocratic society. Her +amiability and brilliancy have forced open the doors of +our most exclusive mansions. She affords so much +pleasure that she is indispensable. We are dull without +her, because she is not only beautiful and a feast +for the eyes, but she is bright, brilliant, witty, unconventional, +and a feast for the mind. It is thanks to +all these qualities, far more than to her dollars, that +the American woman is to-day part and parcel of what +is called 'Tout Paris.' And, indeed, there is no woman +in the world so attractive as the fair daughter of Uncle +Sam. Her physical, moral, and intellectual charms<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> +make her the most interesting woman one may wish to +meet.</p> + +<p>The English woman is very often beautiful. Her +freshness is exquisite, her figure excellent when she +knows how to enhance its beauty by well-made garments. +She is, perhaps, beyond competition when she +is really beautiful, but her beauty is too often statuesque, +and lacks lustre and piquancy. The French +woman is supple and graceful, but she is more fascinating +by her manner, by her chic, than by the beauty of +her complexion, the regularity of her features, and the +proportions of her figure. The German is often fine, +but generally heavy, compact, and lacking elegance.</p> + +<p>The American woman is an altogether. She has the +piquancy, the fascinating manner, the elegance, the +grace, and the gait of the Parisienne; but, besides, she +often possesses the eyes of a Spaniard, the proud figure +of a Roman, and the delicate features of an English +woman. If, during the Paris season, you walk in the +Champs-Elysées district, where all the best Americans +are settled, you will admire those women looking +radiant with intelligence, cheerful, independent, who, +you can see, have the consciousness of their value.</p> + +<p>The education which she has received has developed +all her faculties. The liberty she always enjoyed, the +constant attentions she has received from father, +brother, husband, and all her male friends, have made +her feel safe everywhere, and she goes about freely, +with a firm step that stamps her American. Thanks<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> +to her finesse, her power of observation, her native +adaptability, she can fit herself for every station of life. +If one day she finds herself mistress of the White +House or Vice-Queen of India, she immediately feels +at home. She may be ever so learned, she is never a +pedant. She is, and remains, a woman in whose company +a man feels at once at his ease; a sort of fascinating +good fellow, with all the best attributes of womanhood; +a little of a coquette, with a suspicion of a touch +of blue-stocking—but so little. She loves dresses, and +none puts them on better than she does. English +women, even the most elegant ones at home, seldom +favour us, when they visit us, but with all the worst +frumps and frippery they can find in their wardrobe. +The American women are considerate enough to try +and do their best for us, and we appreciate the compliment. +And thus they brighten our theatres, our promenades, +our balls and dinner-parties, our fashionable +restaurants, and Paris, which loves them, could not now +do without them.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIX</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN WHO WALK BEST</h3> + + +<p>A few weeks ago I was watching the church parade in +Hyde Park, London, between the statue of Achilles and +Stanhope Gate, when I met an American lady of my +acquaintance. We walked together for awhile, and +then sat down in order to watch the fashionable crowd +more closely.</p> + +<p>It is said that, although Americans and Englishmen +think a great deal of one another nowadays, you seldom +hear American women praise the women of England, +and more seldom still hear English women say a good +word of American women.</p> + +<p>So I was tickled to know what my American lady +friend thought of the crowd that was performing before +us, and I asked her to give me her impressions.</p> + +<p>'Well,' she said, 'it is as good as, if not better than, +anything that New York could produce. Possibly on +some special occasion Fifth Avenue might turn out a +few lovelier dresses, but the London average is above +the New York average. You see fewer absolute failures +here among the women, while the men are quite<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> +unapproachable—surely Londoners are the best-dressed +men in the world.'</p> + +<p>'And the New Yorkers the most brand-newly dressed +men,' I interrupted. 'But you are right. I like to +think that a coat has been worn just more than once. +But please go on.'</p> + +<p>'The days when the London girl was really badly +dressed are dead and gone. We have educated her, we +Americans, until she has all but reached our standard. +Just think what the London shops were fifteen and even +ten years ago! Something awful! But now I can buy +in them everything I want just as easily as though I +were in Paris or New York.</p> + +<p>'I don't know whether the supply of pretty dresses +and dainty <i>et ceteras</i> made the demand, or whether it +was the other way about, but, at any rate, there has +been a change within the last decade that is almost a +revolution. The London woman of to-day dresses quite +as well as her sister across the Channel or the Atlantic.'</p> + +<p>I was getting sadly disappointed, for my lady friend +is a critic and a wit, and I was expecting a few amusing +remarks on English women. So I ventured:</p> + +<p>'So you think that now English women can obtain +in London dresses just as pretty as women can in Paris +and New York?</p> + +<p>'Certainly,' she replied. 'Yet they never look so +well, because, you see, when they get these pretty +dresses, these poor English women don't know how to +put them on. The English girl's education is not yet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> +completed. She has not learned how to carry herself +as we have in America, both at home and at school. +You know the splendid air and prima donna effects +that American women can bring off when they choose. +These young English women have hardly a suspicion of +them.</p> + +<p>'In taste for the delicate things of dress the Londoner +is now just about where she should be; but she has not +yet learned how to wear a dress. A French woman or +an American would make fifty per cent, more of it than +the English woman knows how to do; and if this is to +be remedied, English girls will first have to be taught +how to walk and how to hold themselves.'</p> + +<p>And no doubt my American friend had hit on the +national defect of English women—their bad way of +walking and holding themselves.</p> + +<p>One's thoughts naturally fly to Spain, where every +member of the feminine sex, from the little girl of four +to the old woman, who in England would be bent and +tottering, knows how to carry herself as if she were a +queen.</p> + +<p>If it is true that this result is achieved by the Spanish +custom of carrying everything on the head instead of on +the back or in the hand, it is a pity the English do not +make their girls begin at once to carry their school-satchels +in a way that will make them hold their heads +up instead of down, and accentuate gracefully their lines +both behind and in front.</p> + +<p>When I was in South Africa I invariably admired the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> +manner in which the Kaffir and Zulu women walked and +held themselves. On watching them I often exclaimed: +'If English women could only walk and carry themselves +as these women do, with their pretty faces and +figures, with their beautiful skin and complexion, they +would have few rivals in the world.'</p> + +<p>It is by walking barefooted and carrying everything +on their heads that the women of Kaffirland and Zululand +learn to walk so well, to hold their heads up, to +bring their chests forward, to throw back their shoulders, +and give to their gait that gentle swing which is so +dainty and graceful.</p> + +<p>American women obtain the same result by being +drilled at school, for it is incontestable, and, I believe, +incontested, that they are the best walking women, and +also those who, with the Parisiennes, know best how to +put on their dresses.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XX</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN</h3> + + +<p>Heller, who has collected the greatest number of instances +of extreme long life, found 1,000 persons who +lived from 100 to 110, 60 from 110 to 120, 30 from 120 +to 130, 15 from 130 to 140, 6 from 140 to 150, and one +who lived to be 169 years of age.</p> + +<p>French writes that from 1881 to 1890, in Massachusetts, +there were 203 deaths of persons past the age of +100. Of these 153 were women and 50 were men. +Let us add that the parts of the world which have supplied, +in proportion to their population, the greatest +number of centenarians, are New England, Scotland, and +Brittany.</p> + +<p>All these centenarians, without exception, have been +found among the humbler classes, and most of them +among peasants—that is to say, among the workers of +the community who lead quiet, regular, and busy lives.</p> + +<p>It is worthy of note that just those very principles +which were laid down by the Founder of the Christian +religion as best for the eternal welfare of the soul have +been proved by the passing years to be best for the +body also.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p> + +<p>It is not those who are clad in purple and fine linen +and fare sumptuously every day who are strong enough +to climb to the clear heights of a great age. Neither +titles nor wealth keep the feet from wearying of the +uphill path of life.</p> + +<p>They who would have their days long in the land +must honour their great mother, Nature. They must +walk in her ways. Nature does not rejoice in sluggards, +therefore they must work, and the more steadily they +work the longer they live.</p> + +<p>Men of thought have always been distinguished for +their age. Solon, Sophocles, Pindar, Anacreon, and +Xenophon were octogenarians. Kant, Buffon, Goethe, +Fontenelle, and Newton were over eighty. Michael +Angelo and Titian were eighty-nine and ninety-nine +respectively. Harvey, the discoverer of the circulation +of the blood, lived to be eighty.</p> + +<p>Victor Hugo was over eighty. Gladstone, who worked +every minute of his life, always in search of new subjects +to master, and who took his recreation in bodily work—gardening, +cutting down his trees—died at eighty-eight.</p> + +<p>Sidney Cooper, the English animal painter, whose +work of last year will be exhibited at the Royal Academy, +London, this year, died at ninety-nine, practically with +his brushes in his hands.</p> + +<p>The preponderance of females over males in the +matter of long life is a striking fact. It is also constant. +All authorities agree in this, that more women than men<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> +live to be very old. The more fragile pitcher is not so +soon broken at the fountain. Why?</p> + +<p>One would hardly expect woman, with all the dangers +and sufferings attending motherhood, to last longer than +man. Yet undoubtedly she does.</p> + +<p>I know in Brittany a peasant woman who is now +ninety-seven. She does her sewing without spectacles; +she walks a couple of miles every day; goes to bed at +eight, rises at six in the winter and at five in the summer.</p> + +<p>She eats and sleeps well, and is in the enjoyment of +perfect health. She had seventeen children. The +healthiest trees are those which bear fruit every year.</p> + +<p>The reason for woman's longevity is not far to seek. +Women lead more careful, regular, and sheltered lives +than men. It is the man who has to fight daily with +the world, and how hard and trying the fight often is +none but the fighter himself can tell.</p> + +<p>He succumbs to more temptations than woman, +because more come his way. It is the man who is often +called upon to undermine his bodily vigour by earning +his bread at unhealthy occupations. It is he who goes +down the mines, to sea, and to the battlefield.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXI</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN MAY ALL BE BEAUTIFUL</h3> + + +<p>Nothing is more difficult to define than beauty. It is +not something absolute, like truth; it differs according +to times, countries, races, and individual tastes. +Greek beauty is not Parisian beauty, English beauty is +pretty well the opposite of Italian beauty.</p> + +<p>A European beauty might strike a Chinaman as very +ugly, and a Chinese beauty would find no admirer in +Europe, except, perhaps, among blasé people with the +most fastidious tastes and ever in search of novelty.</p> + +<p>The Buddha of the Hindoos has nothing in common +with the Jupiter of the Greeks. Ancient art differs +entirely from modern art.</p> + +<p>In Antiquity, beauty consists in the harmony of the +proportions, the purity of the lines, the nobility of +form and attitude, the sobriety of the figure, and the +coldness of the expression. In modern times, beauty +consists in gracefulness, piquancy, intelligence, sentiment, +vivacity, and exuberance of form.</p> + +<p>But there are two kinds of beauty in women: that +which is natural to them, and that which they can +acquire by carefully studying what suits them best to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> +wear, and how they can use to advantage their style of +face and figure.</p> + +<p>I have seen women absolutely transformed by the +hands of a skilful dressmaker or a clever hairdresser.</p> + +<p>The natural beauty is that happy ensemble of lines +and expression which attract and charm the eyes. It is +not at all indispensable that this ensemble should be +harmonious. On the contrary, contrasts are often less +cold and monotonous than perfect harmony, and the +statuesque beauty generally leaves us unmoved.</p> + +<p>The woman who looks amiable and cheerful is naturally +beautiful—far more so than a woman with irreproachable +sculptural outlines and features so regular +that she makes you wish she had some redeeming defect +or other. Perfection was attractive in ancient Greece; +it is not now.</p> + +<p>Perfection seldom looks amiable and bright, and +modern beauty must look intelligent—brilliant even. +Ancient Greece would not have looked at a turned-up +nose; but such a nose denotes gaiety, wit, spirit of +repartee, and we like it.</p> + +<p>I hope I shall not offend that most talented of +French actresses, Madame Rejane, or her admirers, by +saying that Athens would have refused to look at her; +but the Parisians, the descendants and successors of the +Attic Greeks, love her, with her big mouth, square when +it laughs, and her turned-up nose. To them she is +the embodiment of liveliness, wit, and gaiety.</p> + +<p>A small, piquante brunette, with small, keen eyes,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> +thick lips, thin, alert; a blonde dishevelled, like a +spaniel, with glorious form, will excite admiration—both +are beautiful.</p> + +<p>But the other beauty, the one that can be obtained +of art, is at the disposal of every woman. In fact, the +woman who knows how to put on her dress and do her +hair well, who has on a becoming hat, pretty shoes, and +neat gloves, who has good taste in furniture, who speaks +pleasantly, smiles cheerfully and good-naturedly, who +has elegance of manners and a pretty voice, who has +a bright conversation—that woman will be declared +pretty, even beautiful, far more readily and unanimously +than the real beauty, one who fails to pay +attention to her dress and manners, who has no consciousness +of her power and her value, and who constantly +forgets that good surroundings are to her what +a handsome frame is to a picture.</p> + +<p>Practically every woman can obtain this result, and +that is why I have entitled this chapter 'Women may +All be Beautiful.'</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXII</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN AT SEA</h3> + + +<p>Of all the pitiful sights, of all the pathetic figures in +the world, there is none to compare to women at sea.</p> + +<p>Is it possible that these dejected, abject-looking +bundles of misery only yesterday were the bright, +proud, elegant, queenly fashion-plates whom I saw +on Fifth Avenue? <i>Quantum mutatæ ab illis!</i> What a +metamorphosis!</p> + +<p>Poor things! Even the most terrible home ruler is +satisfied with the lower berth, and gives her husband a +chance to look down upon her. She is meek and grateful, +she is submissive, and her imploring eyes beg the +most hen-pecked husband not to take advantage of his +temporary superiority.</p> + +<p>She arrived on board flamboyant, with her most +bewitching finery on, or a most becoming yachting-suit. +She meant to 'fetch' all the men on deck. She +went radiant to the saloon and examined the lovely +flowers which had been sent to wish her <i>bon voyage</i>. +<i>Bon voyage!</i> What irony!</p> + +<p>These flowers are the very emblem of all that is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> +going to happen to her—bright, fresh, and erect as the +boat starts; wet, withered, drooping, and dripping, +with no life left, twenty-four hours later.</p> + +<p>She is present at the first meal, and declares to her +neighbours that things at sea are not so bad as some +people pretend, and the Atlantic is too often libelled. +Besides, she is used to travelling, and she knows a +remedy for sea-sickness.</p> + +<p>Before sailing she doctored herself. She took an +infallible drug—a rather unpleasant one, it is true; +but what is that compared to the benefit derived from +it? Yes, an infallible remedy—at any rate, one that +succeeds nine times out of ten. Alas! this time is +going to be the tenth.</p> + +<p>You get outside the harbour, and leave Sandy Hook +behind you. She has taken soup and fish. Somehow +she now feels she has had enough. Her appetite is +satisfied, and she goes on deck. When you see her +again, she is lying on an easy-chair, packed as carefully +and tightly as a valuable clock that is to be sent to the +Antipodes.</p> + +<p>There she now lies, motionless, speechless, helpless, +and hopeless, wondering if the infallible remedy is +going to fail. The yachting-cap is no longer roguish +and cocky, but hanging over her eyes, or her beautiful +hat is replaced by a tam-o'-shanter. The damp air has +already taken away all her curls, and her hair, straight +as drum-sticks, is hanging in front and behind, and, +worse than all, she doesn't care. Provided you don't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> +speak to her, don't shake her, and don't ask her to +move, she doesn't care.</p> + +<p>The boat is heaving. All the different parts of her +anatomy go up with the boat, but they all come down +again one by one, and she has to gather them together. +She is at sea with a vengeance! Her husband is all +right, the brute! so is pretty Miss So-and-So, who is +chatting with him, the cat!</p> + +<p>Their smiles and insulting pictures of health are +more than she can bear. She is a good Christian, but +if only that girl could be sick, too! What business +has she to be well?</p> + +<p>Of course, her husband has packed her up, tucked +her in most carefully, and placed grapes and iced soda-water +within her reach. He has done his duty, and +now he makes himself scarce. Maybe he is flirting on +the weather side, maybe he is in the smoke-room having +a game of piquet or poker.</p> + +<p>Anyway, he is all right, having a good time. Why +isn't he sick, too?</p> + +<p>For six or seven days, that bright American woman, +who runs household, husband, children, and servants +with one glance of the eye, is at the mercy of everyone +who belongs to her, suffering agonies, tortures of body +and mind, and you would imagine that a boat sees her +on the Atlantic for the last time.</p> + +<p>You would think that all the beauties of American +scenery, its seashores, lakes, and mountains, will attract +her next season. Not a bit of it. In order to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> +seen at the dreary funereal functions of Mayfair and +Belgravia, she will cross again. She goes where duty +calls her. She has to be 'in it' first, in the hope of +soon being 'of it.'</p> + +<p>And, in order to secure her social standing on a sure +basis, twice a year she will pack her belongings and +suffer death agonies. The pluck and power of endurance +of women is perfectly prodigious.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIII</h2> + +<h3>THE SECRET OF WOMAN'S BEAUTY</h3> + + +<p>The secret of a woman's beauty is not to be discovered +in her dressing-room, as cynics might intimate; it is +not obtained by the use of cosmetics, pomade, magic +waters, and ointments; by the application of red, white, +and black, neither by painting nor dyeing; the real +secret of woman's beauty lies in resplendent health and +a cheerful mind.</p> + +<p>It was only a few days ago that I said to a lady, an +intimate friend of mine, who has just been promoted to +the dignity of a grandmother: 'Won't you make up +your mind one of these days to look over thirty years +of age?' My lady friend is very beautiful, and she +knows it; but she carries her beauty without any +affectation and bumptiousness.</p> + +<p>She is simplicity personified, and if you were to talk +to her about her looks she would smile, and immediately +beg you to kindly change the subject of conversation. +But we are old friends, and when I asked her to tell me +what she did, that I might tell others how she succeeded +in remaining young, fresh, and beautiful, she allowed me +to insist.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Well,' she said, 'let me tell you at once that I do +not spend fifty shillings a year in perfumery. I have +always retired and risen early; I have always done as +much good as I have been permitted to do; I have +always frequented cheerful and happy people, read +cheerful books, and seen cheerful plays; I have always +taken healthy exercise and indulged in plenty of fresh +air by day and night.</p> + +<p>'But I should add: I have had the good luck of +being born with a cheerful disposition, and of being +brought up by cheerful and happy parents. I have +always dearly enjoyed humour, and have always been +able to appreciate it. I am a philosopher.</p> + +<p>'You say that I look thirty—well, I am forty-five; +but if my body is young, my mind is younger still, and +I am perfectly sure that, when I am a great-grandmother, +I shall enjoy playing with a doll as much as +any of my little great-grand-daughters.'</p> + +<p>And she went on giving me advice in minute details. +Here are a few hints which my lady readers might hear +with profit:</p> + + +<h4><span class="smcap">Hint No. 1</span></h4> + +<p><i>Never expose your shoulders and arms to cold. When +you leave a hot room to go out in the open air, cover +them most carefully so as to create on your body an +increase of temperature exactly equal to the difference +there exists between the indoor temperature you leave and +the outdoor one.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> + +<h4><span class="smcap">Hint No. 2</span></h4> + +<p><i>Avoid beds too soft and too much bed-clothing, which +cause nightmares, develop nervous irritation, and conduce +to stoutness. Never have round your beds curtains, +except as an ornament, if you like, at the head; but draw +them in such a way that fresh air can circulate freely +round your head. Renew the air of your bedroom several +times a day, and during the night, however cold it may +be, have one window slightly open, even if you should be +compelled to keep a fire all night.</i></p> + + +<h4><span class="smcap">Hint No. 3</span></h4> + +<p>Your bedroom should never be at a temperature above +sixty-five degrees.</p> + + +<h4><span class="smcap">Hint No. 4</span></h4> + +<p><i>A woman enjoying good health should sleep eight hours, +nine at most, and never less than seven. Sleep is a repairing +balm which gives rest to the muscles, the nerves, +and all the organs. Late evening and night sleeps are +refreshing, but not so the sleep you may indulge in in the +morning, or the nap you may have in the afternoon. +What you want is uninterrupted sleep from eleven at +night till seven in the morning. No other sleep will keep +you fresh and well.</i></p> + + +<h4><span class="smcap">Hint No. 5</span></h4> + +<p><i>Never go to bed hungry, although you wait till your +indigestion is well over. If you are hungry take some +very light refreshment that you will digest at once and +without any difficulty.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> + +<h4><span class="smcap">Hint No. 6</span></h4> + +<p><i>No sleep is thoroughly sound and good unless your +face assumes a perfectly serene expression. To attain +this end, do not allow your brain to work at night, or +your mind to be besieged by painful thoughts. Do or read +nothing exciting. Go to bed with pleasant thoughts and +a quiet mind.</i></p> + +<p>I am sure my lady friend is right; for, consulting +advice on hygiene in a book written by a famous +physician, I see that this great doctor advises the +following:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p> +Substantial and digestible meals at regular times.<br /> +Very little liquids at meals, if any.<br /> +Well-aired rooms and cool bedrooms.<br /> +Plenty of fresh air and cold water.<br /> +Warm but light clothing.<br /> +Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.<br /> +A contented mind.<br /> +A cheerful disposition.<br /> +Indulgence in deeds of generosity and charity.<br /> +Plenty of genial occupation.<br /> +</p></div> + +<p>Such is certainly the secret of health and cheerfulness, and the secret +of beauty, which is the reflection of both.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIV</h2> + +<h3>THE DURATION OF BEAUTY</h3> + + +<p>Descartes, Montesquieu, Scribe, Stahl, and many other +famous writers of modern times, not to speak of philosophers +of antiquity, have decried beauty, and warned +mankind against its illusions, and especially its short +duration, without succeeding, I must say, in disgusting +the world out of it. True, beauty does not last for +ever; but who would think of singing the praises of +ugliness because it does last? And, for that matter, I +am of opinion that beauty does last. I have known men +quite handsome at sixty, and women quite beautiful +at the same age. And even if it did not last, what +of that? Are we not to admire the sun because +it is followed by night and obscurity? Are we to +despise spring because it is followed by winter one +day?</p> + +<p>Wise parents say to young men: 'Be sure you do not +marry a woman for the sake of her beauty. Marry a +woman for her lasting qualities, not for such an +ephemeral one as beauty.' Upon my word, to hear +some people talk, you would imagine that the beauty +of a woman is a thing that lasts a year at most. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> +beauty of a happy woman who loves and is loved lasts +thirty years at least, and the beauty of some women is +such that if it only lasted a year, it would be sufficient +to leave about a man for his life a fragrance that all the +roses of the world put together could give but a faint +idea of.</p> + +<p>Nobody complains that peaches are not as big as +pumpkins, and therefore do not last so long. Some +peaches arrived at their full maturity are so excellent +that, although they only make two 'swallows,' you not +only enjoy eating them, but you long remember the +beautiful taste they had.</p> + +<p>I must say that nobody is the dupe of all the +diatribes which are hurled at beauty, women still less +than men. It has always been, and still is, and always +will be, the wish of women to be beautiful, and the wish +of men to see women beautiful. Even Ernest Renan, +whom nobody would have ever accused of frivolity, +joined the ranks, and said that the first duty of woman +was to try and look beautiful. Let a woman hear that, +in speaking of her, you have said that she was bad-tempered, +giddy, silly, extravagant, everything you like, +but that you have acknowledged that she was exceedingly +beautiful, and I will warrant that you have not +made an enemy of that woman. She may keep a +grudge against you, but not for long. But let that +woman hear that you have owned that she was sweet, +dutiful, clever, devoted, and possessed of all the +domestic virtues, but that she was far from being<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> +beautiful, you will discover you have made a bitter +enemy for the rest of your natural life.</p> + +<p>The great attributes of a woman are the beauty of +her face and figure, the brilliancy of her mind, and +the qualities of her heart. But when a woman is not +beautiful, other women will never discuss the good +opinion you may have of her mental attainments and +sweet disposition. They will leave her in peaceful +possession of all these qualities; but if you praise her +beauty in terms of ecstasy before them—lo, they will +form the square and fight until the last cartridge is +used. It is beauty, not cleverness or virtue, that makes +women jealous of other women. And when the beauty +of a woman is perfectly indisputable, and it is almost +impossible for them to find the slightest fault either +with her face or her figure, then they declare that, unfortunately, +her beauty is one which will not last. The +dear women! how they wish they could possess that +beauty, were it but for a day!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXV</h2> + +<h3>THE WOMAN 'GOOD FELLOW'—A SOCIETY TYPE</h3> + + +<p>The woman who belongs to the 'jolly good fellow' +type is frank and sincere, and as steady in her friendships +as the most perfect gentleman. In love, she is +disappointing, if not absolutely a fraud. Indeed, the +idea of her possibly falling in love would seem to her +quite as funny as it would to other people. She is of a +cool temperament.</p> + +<p>In friendship, her heart is set in the right place; in +love, it is deaf and dumb.</p> + +<p>She is fond of good living and of gaieties of all sorts, +both in town and country. She prefers the society of +men to that of women. She is no coquette, but has no +objection to flirting—in fact, she enjoys it, and all the +more that she knows it cannot make her run the least +danger. 'It amuses men,' she thinks, 'and it doesn't +hurt me.'</p> + +<p>She sleeps, eats, drinks, dresses, rides, drives, dances, +smokes, talks, laughs, and throws her money out of +every window from the garret to the cellar.</p> + +<p>People enjoy her society because she is cheerful and +gay, a bright conversationalist, generally pretty, always<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> +elegant and fashionable, and most exquisitely dressed. +She is unconventional, and the men like her for it; she +seldom indulges in silly gossip, and the women are +grateful to her for it. In fact, she is popular with men +and women alike, because neither of them has anything +to fear from her. The hearts of men and the reputations +of women are safe in her hands; she does no damage to +either.</p> + +<p>Most people think that this type of woman is the +happiest. As a girl, yes, perhaps; but not after twenty-five. +The woman 'jolly fellow' very often makes all that +noise in order to shake off her thoughts. If her heart is +unable to speak and unable to hear, the reason often is +that it is dead.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXVI</h2> + +<h3>THE WOMAN 'GOSSIP'</h3> + + +<p>Men and women who retail slander, whether it has any +foundation or not, ought to be unmercifully boycotted +by all decent people; and, to be just, I will say that +there is as much gossip, and of the worst kind, too, +going on in men's club smoking-rooms as there is at +afternoon tea-gatherings. Great, though scarce, is the +woman who can keep other people's secrets as safely as +her own. And how watchful women should be, and +constantly be on their guard, always mindful that not +more than one man out of ten can keep a secret. I +mean <i>his own</i>.</p> + +<p>There are many women who gossip and retail scandal, +not out of wickedness or with the intention of hurting +anyone, but for the mere sake of being entertaining at +the dinner-table or round the tea-tray. When she +makes her appearance people welcome her, and say: +'Oh, here is Mrs. A——; she is so amusing; we'll hear +some good story.' Knowing that she has a reputation +to sustain, she prepares her stories before starting on +her visits, and gives them an artistic and piquant finishing +touch that will make them go down successfully.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> +Being fairly good-hearted, she begins by warning you +that she is only repeating what is 'going on,' and 'does +not know for certain.' She only wishes to be amusing +and entertaining, you understand, and does not mean to +do injury to any woman. Oh dear, no! she is a bit of +an actress in an amateurish sort of way, and if she exaggerates +she asks you to put it down to the account of +Art. As long as people are entertained by gossip there +will be people to gossip for their benefit. Now, men +and women who repeat scandal which is true do harm +enough, goodness knows, but the most dangerous ones +are those who repeat what they have heard, which +gossip will be repeated and 'improved' until it gets to +gigantic proportions.</p> + +<p>Slander generally takes refuge behind such platitude +as, 'Of course, I have not seen it; I only repeat what I +have heard.'</p> + +<p>Who says those things?—Why, everybody.</p> + +<p>Everybody?—Everybody; that's enough.</p> + +<p>Please mention a name.—Well, I am afraid I can't.</p> + +<p>But where have you heard such a thing?—Everywhere.</p> + +<p>Can't you be precise? Is it in a private house?—I +forget.</p> + +<p>In a restaurant?—I don't know.</p> + +<p>At a café? At a club? Perhaps in a theatre?—Yes, +I think it was in a theatre.</p> + +<p>What a cure—temporary, at least, if not to last for +ever—to look the 'gossip,' man or woman, straight in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> +the face, and say: 'Scandal-mongers are the most +despicable parasites and scoundrels of society!' and you +may be sure that, at least, is a statement which the +'gossip' will not repeat.</p> + +<p>There is a law of libel practically in every civilized +country to protect people against having their character +stained at the will and for the pleasure of their fellow-creatures, +but for the life of me I cannot see why libel +should be libel, and thus punishable by law, only when +it is published in a newspaper or written on a postcard. +The worst libel, the one that does most injury, is the +one that goes from house to house by word of mouth. +To say a libellous thing is quite as bad as to write it +down; it is even worse, because what is written often +escapes notice, and the law should reach the libeller +whether he has committed the offence with his mouth or +with his pen.</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXVII</h2> + +<h3>LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT</h3> + + +<p>We all of us have heard of people falling madly in love +at first sight, men especially. No doubt there are men +who are exceedingly susceptible, passionate, artistic, and +ardent natures, who may take a violent fancy for a +woman on seeing her for the first time; but I decline +to call such a fancy love, and woe to the woman who +marries such a man, for there is no guarantee for her +that he will not many times again take such violent +fancies for other women; indeed, there is every probability +that he will.</p> + +<p>I would always advise a woman, or at all events always +wish her, to marry a lover and admirer of her sex, but a +man who madly falls in love with women at first sight, +never. There is no steadiness in that man, no solidity, +no reliability, no possible fidelity in him. He is erratic +and unmanly. He may be a good poet, a talented +artist, a very good actor, but certainly he will never be +a good husband, not even a decent one.</p> + +<p>There are women who are proud to say that they +inspired ardent love at first sight. They should not +be proud of it, for it is only the love of a reflecting,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> +lofty man that should make a woman proud. Men +may feel immediate admiration for a woman.</p> + +<p>In the presence of certain beautiful women I have +felt ready to fall into ecstasies of admiration, as I have +in the presence of Niagara Falls, Vesuvius in eruption, the +Venus of Milo, or any other grand masterpiece of nature +and art; but I have never felt that I could, or must, +right away implore them to marry me or let me die at +their feet. To fall in love at first sight is a great proof +of weakness of mind, of utter absence of self-control, +and of wretched unmanliness. I believe I may affirm, +without the fear of contradiction, that love at first +sight has never proved to be love of long duration.</p> + +<p>How can we imagine that a solid affection can be +the result of a caprice felt for a person whom you +had never seen before, and of whose character you +are absolutely ignorant? In certain cases affection may +follow a first impression, but only when she can inspire +as much affection by her merit as she could produce a +good impression by her charms. Only in this case can +love become sincere and profound. To form at once +a charming impression of a woman is not to fall madly +in love with her.</p> + +<p>How much preferable is that love gradually increasing +through the better knowledge of the beloved one! +It is no longer an ephemeral fancy, but a solid affection. +In order to love well and truly, you must know well and +thoroughly. There must be between people in love that +blind confidence, that complete <i>abandon</i>, which can only<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> +be born of the sweet habit to constantly see each other +and to understand each other better and better every +day. With such love you can brave all obstacles, but +with a caprice it vanishes at the first violent storm.</p> + +<p>Sincere, serious love is never love at first sight. +When one look—and the first one, too—binds a man +and a woman, you may be sure that one single word will +soon be sufficient to unbind them. Lasting love comes +slowly, progressively. Heart alone has never been particularly +successful unless in partnership with that sober +and wise counsellor that is called Reason. No love is +placed on a solid basis which is not governed by reason +as well as by the heart.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXVIII</h2> + +<h3>THE EMANCIPATION OF WOMEN</h3> + + +<p>I have just digested a most interesting book by +M. Novicow, entitled 'L'Affranchisement de la Femme.' +This is a very serious subject, and I feel sure that I +need not apologize for treating it with all the earnestness +of which I am capable.</p> + +<p>In a society organized in conformity with the nature +of things, woman will be brought up, from infancy, with +the same object in view as man—that is to say, in order +to learn how to live by her work. And so it should be, +since work is the universal law of biology. Every living +creature, from the invisible microbe to the most powerful +animal, works unceasingly to assure its existence. +Work being the law of Nature, to remain idle is to +resist that law and to be immoral.</p> + +<p>Woman must become an independent economic unity. +There is nothing revolutionary in this; on the contrary, +it is a most conservative idea. The leisure class does +not represent one-thousandth part of society, and 999 +out of every 1,000 women have, or should have, to +work to support themselves or help to support their +families.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> + +<p>From time immemorial women have worked in +families, in manufactures, offices, in the fields, either +as mistresses of houses, as helps, or as servants.</p> + +<p>If woman has to be recognised as an independent +economic unity, her education should enable her to earn +her living, and, whether she gets married or not, she +ought always to be ready to support herself without the +help of man. Knowledge of every description should +be placed at her disposal by the State, as well as at the +disposal of man.</p> + +<p>This is not all. Not only should she receive an +education enabling her to make a livelihood, but also +one enabling her to direct her steps in life in the right +direction. She should be told the mysteries of life, and +the rôle she is called upon to play in life. In our times +the ideal young girl is the one who knows nothing. +This ideal is absolutely false, and creates the greatest +source of danger in existence that stares women in the +face. This ideal was created by the monstrous selfishness +of man, who reserved to himself the satisfaction, the +pleasure (only a rake's pleasure) of teaching her in one +moment what, little by little, without shock, she should +learn without astonishment.</p> + +<p>It is innocence that disarms women and hands them +over, defenceless, to the most odious and revolting +attempts to corrupt them. When we suppose nowadays +that a girl knows too much of the mysteries of +love, we think she is depraved; but degradation does +not come from the knowledge of certain things—it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> +comes from the mysterious and unhealthy way in which +that knowledge is sometimes imparted.</p> + +<p>If she were told openly, in full daylight, all she +should know of the rôle Nature has given her to play, +she would not be depraved.</p> + +<p>When a young girl shall have received from a rational +society an education that will enable her to live independently +by her work, and to behave to the best of +interests, what will she do?</p> + +<p>Well, she will do exactly what men do. The rich +ones will manage their own fortune, and will engage in +pursuits, civil, political, and intellectual. They will +embrace professions, be writers, lawyers, artists, doctors, +professors, and so on. All the careers will be open to +them. In humbler stations of life, she will be clerk, +shop-woman, work-woman, servant, labourer, etc. In +fact, no woman will be prevented from entering a +career for which she has aptitude, and, by so doing, no +intellectual force will be lost to society.</p> + +<p>For instance, we have lately heard, in Europe, of a +young American girl passing a brilliant examination +for naval engineering, who presented the model of a +ship far superior to anything known up to date. With +the new system a woman will not be prevented from +building ships for the State because she is a woman. +This will not only be justice to woman, but justice to +society, which has a right to benefit by the genius of all +its members, whether they be men or women.</p> + +<p>Now let us examine what will become of society if all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> +these transformations take place. When all the liberal +professions and political functions are exercised by +men and women alike, women will be members of +Parliament, of chambers of commerce, of literary and +scientific academies, and will sit by the side of men, as, +in America, at schools and colleges, girls sit by the side +of boys. On this account America will be the first +country to get quickly reconciled to the new state of +things.</p> + +<p>The activity of women will be as indispensable to +nations and their success as that of men. But I see +other consequences. Women being no longer dependent +on men, people will be no more concerned about the +private life of an unmarried man. A woman who has +committed indiscretions will not be called a woman with +a past, but, may be, one with experience.</p> + +<p>It is even just possible that men will feel more +flattered to be chosen by them. They will repeat the +word of Balzac, that a woman loves any first man who +makes love to her, and that there is nothing in this to +make a man feel proud; and Alphonse Karr goes as far +as Ninon de Lenclos when he says that the only love +that a man may feel proud of is that of a 'woman of +experience.'</p> + +<p>Another thing, and a very important point. Woman, +in this future system, will be so busy with her occupations +as a bread-winner that she will have very little +time to devote to love.</p> + +<p>'Woman lives by love and for love' will be thought<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> +an absurdity. She will come across love in her way +through life. She will stop or pass on, according to +her fancy, just as man does at present. She will not be +taught early that woman was born to be a mother, and +that she has constantly to keep her artillery in good +order so as to bring down a man.</p> + +<p>For that matter, it is just possible that, in those days, +it will be women who will propose to men. I should +not regret to see it for the sake of the happiness of +mankind, because I maintain that woman is a far keener +individual than man, and that a woman is much better +able to choose the right husband than a man the right +wife.</p> + +<p>Of course, the frivolous woman, the doll, will have +ceased to exist, and the woman will cease to be considered +what she is in Turkey and Persia, an instrument +of pleasure.</p> + +<p>The author assures us that when his system is put +into practice, it will work so well that society will +discover that it has reached a climax, the advent of +happy and perfect civilization.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Well, if it does, all I can say is that what consoles +me for getting old is the thought that I shall not be +there to see it.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIX</h2> + +<h3>SHALL LOVE BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?</h3> + + +<p>This momentous question has been asked, and is daily +answered, in a Paris paper called <i>La Fronde</i>, on the +staff of which all the writers are women. This is a very +delicate question to ask, and I am not sure that it is +particularly politic to do so on the part of women.</p> + +<p>That women take love more seriously than men is a +fact which, I believe, is incontestable; but what would +become of women if men were to decide in the negative +and answer that love should not be taken seriously?</p> + +<p>Their only protection, their only weapon would be +taken away from them. See what happens in countries, +not civilized, I must quickly add, where men do not +take love seriously.</p> + +<p>In these countries there is practically no difference +between a woman and a slave, and even a beast of +burden. The Arab, the Kaffir, the Zulu, the Soudanese, +can be seen on horseback, or walking majestically +with a blanket slung over his shoulder, while his +womankind are following, carrying a baby on their +backs, a pail of water or a cask of beer on their heads, +and the rest of the burden in their hands.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> + +<p>These primitive creatures find all this quite natural, +men as well as women, and their greatest source of +amusement is to see a white man carry his wife's +umbrella. How they pity and scorn that poor white +man!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>They look at him, and seem to say: 'Aren't you a +man?' The more these men treat their women as +inferior beings, the more highly the women think of +the men, and the more respect they feel for them. +And we would probably do the same if love, which we +men do take seriously, did not subject, and even +enslave, us to women.</p> + +<p>Indeed, this would be our right—our Divine right—and +women, I repeat, are very impolitic to compel us to +remind them of what happened at the beginning.</p> + +<p>We men have a Divine right to rule over women, +and if we use that power given to us only with the +greatest moderation, it is because we love women +seriously.</p> + +<p>This love for you, ladies, is your only safeguard. +See how imprudent of you it is to come and ask us if +we take love seriously.</p> + +<p>Not only do we take love seriously, but I believe +that there is nothing else in this world that is taken +so seriously.</p> + +<p>Love is the only universally serious thing in the +world. Ask scientists what they think of actors.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> +They will tell you that there is no such despicable +profession in the world. Yet actors—and rightly, too—take +their art seriously.</p> + +<p>Literature and music appear to those who cultivate +them the most absolutely serious things in existence, +yet men of business, whose chief object in life is money-making, +shrug their shoulders, and feel ready to say, +like a London Lord Mayor to his son, who wanted to +devote his life to literature: 'I will be very much +obliged to you if you will decide on choosing an honest +and respectable calling.'</p> + +<p>What is serious to some is not to others. There is +nothing in this world which is universally serious—that +is to say, recognised as serious by all the civilized +members of the human race, except bread and love.</p> + +<p>The mission of man is to keep it alive with bread, +and we perpetuate it with love. When we have eaten +and when we have loved, we have fulfilled our mission. +All the rest is accessory, and only more or less serious.</p> + +<p>Poets and artists, who help make life beautiful, are +not indispensable; they are not serious. Scientists, +who make great discoveries, help make life more comfortable; +they protect us against disease; they drug +us; they cure us, but they are not indispensable—the +world would go on without them; they are not serious.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Only as long as there is bread and there is love will +the world go on and the earth continue to be inhabited +by the human race; bread and love are serious.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> + +<p>I fear that I may have offended many people who +think that they are indispensable and that their vocation +is serious. Well, I am very sorry—very sorry +indeed—but I cannot help it. The world was made +thus, and when it was made I was not consulted.</p> + +<p>Put aside a few men and women, most of them to be +found in the leisure class or among the parasites of +society, for whom love is a pastime, and you will find +that love is taken very seriously by men, if not quite in +the same way as it is taken by women, who are +more delicate and refined psychologists than men +generally are.</p> + +<p>But, my dear ladies, as long as we men are only too +proud and happy to fight the battle of life for you, to +live for you, and, when occasion arises, sometimes die +for you, please thank the progress of civilization, which +has made us forget the origin of our relations toward +each other; do not give us reasons for reminding you +of it, and, for Heaven's sake! when we have spent years +working twelve hours a day, providing you with all the +comforts, and often the luxuries, of life, reared and +settled in the world a large family of boys and girls, do +not come and ask us if we take love seriously. You are +adding insult to injury. Yes, indeed, we take love +seriously, and matrimony too.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXX</h2> + +<h3>ARE MEN FAIR TO WOMEN?</h3> + + +<p>'You are often writing about women,' fair correspondents +keep writing to me, 'sometimes praising them, +often criticising them. Couldn't you now and then tell +us something of what you think of men, especially in +their relations with women? We know you to be fair, +sometimes generous, always good-humoured. Now, do +have a try.'</p> + +<p>The invitation is tempting and intended to be +pleasant, and I yield to it, not only without any reluctance, +but with a good deal of pleasure.</p> + +<p>To plunge <i>in medias res</i>, Are men fair to women? +The laws, which are made by men, the usages—everything +is calculated to cause men to reduce to a minimum +the qualities, the intelligence, and the influence of +women.</p> + +<p>For instance, let a woman make a reputation in art +or literature, and men begin to smile and shrug their +shoulders: they dispute her talent.</p> + +<p>I maintain, without much fear of contradiction, that +a woman, in order to succeed in a profession, must have +ten times more talent than a man, inasmuch as a man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> +will have friends and comrades to help him, and a +woman only difficulties put in her way by man to +surmount.</p> + +<p>Man receives encouragements from all sides. If he +is successful, he even knows that his talent will receive +official recognition. In France he may become a member +of the French Academy; in England, of the Royal +Academy. Orders will be given him by rich patrons, +and 'orders' conferred on him by sovereigns and statesmen.</p> + +<p>Why should not women get all this? Why, simply +because man, being both 'verdict' and 'execution,' has +kept everything for himself. Personally, I have no +great liking for female genius—to my prejudiced mind +a female genius is a freak; but what I like or do not like +is quite out of the question. Here I state facts, and +why women should not have as much chance to prove +their genius as men I should like to know.</p> + +<p>Everybody knows that the famous School of Alexandria, +in the fifth century, had as orators and teachers +the greatest philosophers and theologians of the time, +such men as St. Jerome, St. Cyril, etc.</p> + +<p>Among these sublime intellects rose a young girl, +twenty years old, pure, radiantly beautiful, who modestly +said to them:</p> + +<p>'Please make room for me—hear me. I want my +place in the glorious sun.'</p> + +<p>She ascended the famous chair and began to explain +before an enthusiastic crowd the works of Plato and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> +Aristotle. Her talent, her learning, her eloquence +astonished the people who thronged to hear young and +fair Hypatia, daughter of Theo.</p> + +<p>Now, do you believe that all those learned, bearded +philosophers and theologians encouraged her, applauded +her? No. History tells us they lay in wait in a street +where she used to pass, and when she appeared in her +chariot, resplendent with youth, beauty, and glory, +acclaimed by the crowd, they—St. Cyril and his companions—seized +her, killed her, cut her body in hundreds +of pieces, which they threw to the four winds of the +earth.</p> + +<p>Now, modern Hypatias are not treated quite so +roughly by men, who content themselves with turning +them to ridicule, although I have heard of some who +did not hesitate in disposing of successful women's +reputations as the learned doctors of Alexandria disposed +of the body of Hypatia.</p> + +<p>Women, perhaps unfortunately, cannot all be intended +to be mothers, or spend their lives mending socks and +attending to spring house-cleaning. Such women, who +have received a high education, may not feel inclined to +be shop-girls, ladies'-maids, or cooks. If they feel that +they have talent, and can paint or write successfully, +every man ought to give them a helping hand.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXXI</h2> + +<h3>A PLEA FOR THE WORKING WOMAN</h3> + + +<p>'There are too many men in the world,' once exclaimed +H. Taine. This was only a joke, but there is a great +deal of truth in it. There are, in France especially, far +too many men engaged in official Government offices, in +professional occupations, and in stores; too many +doctors without patients; too many lawyers without +briefs; too many functionaries, each doing little or +nothing, and the others seeing that he does it; too +many men in stores showing women dresses, silks, and +gloves.</p> + +<p>And the woman hater exclaimed: 'No wonder men +cannot find a living to make; all the occupations that +once were filled by men are now monopolized by women. +The hearth is deserted, the street crowded—that's the +triumph of modern feminism.'</p> + +<p>On the other hand some feminists, more royalist than +the King, exclaim: 'Woman should be kept in clover, +the protégée of humanity, and never be allowed to work.'</p> + +<p>And, taken between two fires, poor women are ready +to shout at the top of their voices, 'Save us from our +friends as well as from our enemies!' It is a fact that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> +at a recent congress of Socialists an orator declared +himself in favour of the suppression of work for +women.</p> + +<p>But women do want to work, and many of them +married, too. If what husbands earn is not enough to +maintain the family or keep it in comfort, they are +partners, and they wish to contribute to the revenue.</p> + +<p>If they are not married, they want to support themselves +or help to keep aged parents. Many of them +prefer their independence to matrimony, which not +uncommonly turns out to be about the hardest way for +a woman to get a living.</p> + +<p>Women have a right to work as they have a right to +live, and every work which is suitable for women should +be open to them. And when I see Lancashire make +girls work in the coal-mines I may ask, 'What work is +there that women cannot do?'</p> + +<p>God forbid that I should be in favour of women +working in the mines, but this is not necessary. There +are so many men who do a kind of work that women +should do, and could do just as well, if not better, that +there should be no question of any kind of work done +by women which men could do better.</p> + +<p>The earth was meant to keep her children, and she +would if everybody, man or woman, was in his or her +right place. The supply is all there and all right, but +it is its distribution which is all wrong. The same may +be said of work.</p> + +<p>There should be in this world work for all and bread<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> +for all, men or women, only the poor inhabitants of this +globe have not yet been able to obtain a proper division +of the goods which they have inherited from nature.</p> + +<p>Thanks to the discoveries of science and the openings +of new markets, opportunities for work increase every +day, but men and women are like children in a room +full of toys—they all make a rush for those which +tempt them most, and fight and die in order to obtain +them. In the presence of all the careers open to them, +they rush toward the most easy to follow or the most +brilliant.</p> + +<p>Agriculture is forsaken by men who prefer swaggering +in towns with top-hats and frock-coats, instead of imitating +in their own country the virile, valiant men of +the new worlds who fell forests, reclaim the land, and +are the advanced pioneers of civilization. They prefer +being clerks or shop assistants.</p> + +<p>Instead of taking a pickaxe, working a piece of land +and making it their own, they prefer taking a pen and +adding from 9 a.m. till 5 or 6 p.m. pounds and shillings +which do not belong to them. The result is that they +overcrowd the cities, and women can often obtain no +work except on condition that they accept it for a +smaller remuneration than would be offered to men, or, +in other words, submit to being sweated.</p> + +<p>Is it a manly occupation to be assistant in a draper's +store, to be a hairdresser, copyist, to make women's +dresses, hats, corsets? When I see in dry goods stores +a great big man over six feet high measure ribbons or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> +lace, instead of tilling the soil or doing any other kind of +manly work, I want to say to him, 'Aren't you a man?'</p> + +<p>Europe is full of men doing such work. I know +America is not, although I have many times seen in the +United States positions filled by men which would be +filled equally well by women, and often better.</p> + +<p>Many writers maintain that woman was intended to +tread on a path of roses, to be tended, petted—I may +have been myself guilty of holding views somewhat in +this direction—but women are not all born in 'society'; +millionaires are very few, and people whom you may +call rich form after all but a very small minority in the +whole community. The path of roses can only exist +for the very few, and, besides, there are women whose +aim in life is not to be petted. In fact, some absolutely +object to being petted.</p> + +<p>I tell you the time is coming, and coming at giant +strides, when every child—boy or girl—will be made +early to choose the kind of work he or she best feels +ready to undertake to make a living. The time is +coming when no poverty will stare in the face the +woman who can and is willing to work.</p> + +<p>Maybe the time is coming when a woman who bravely +earns a good living will be considered not only most +respectable—she is that now—but will be envied for her +'social standard' by the frivolous, useless women who, +from morning to night, yawn and wonder how they could +invent anything to make them spend an hour usefully +for their good or the good of their fellow-creatures.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXXII</h2> + +<h3>A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION</h3> + + +<p>The women's-righters are so often accused, and justly, +too, of trying to disturb the equilibrium of happiness +in family life, that they should immediately be praised +when they do something likely to establish it on a +firmer basis.</p> + +<p>In Paris they have just succeeded in starting, under +the best and happiest auspices, schools where girls will +be taught how to bring up babies and how to keep +house. When it is considered that, out of about a +million children which are born annually, over 260,000 +die before the age of five, it calls for the utmost care in +the watchfulness and habits of parents with regard to +young children.</p> + +<p>Of all European countries, it is perhaps in France +that mortality among babies is largest. France is +being depopulated, or at least is not increasing her +population. Enough children are born, but not enough +are brought to grown-up age. This problem, over the +solution of which our legislators are very anxious, is +vital to France. It will not be solved by laws enacted, +congresses held, and leagues founded. It will be solved<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> +by a reform in the manners and habits of the people, +by making marriage easier, by marrying for love more +often, and by teaching French women that the first +duty of a mother is to raise her children herself, and +the second to know how to do it. This new school, +just established in France, will help in the right direction.</p> + +<p>The teaching of household duties will also tend to +make marriages happier by enabling wives to be more +clever and economical. If we consider that in England +and France, which each has a population of about +40,000,000, only about 100,000 men in each country +have an income of more than £500 a year, it will soon +be clear that the great problem of happiness can only +be solved by the good management of wives.</p> + +<p>Girls will be taught family hygiene, domestic economy, +and the art of cooking, including that of utilizing the +remnants of a previous meal. They will be taught how +to 'shop' intelligently; that is to say, to distinguish +good material from shoddy, and thus obtain the worth +of their money. They will, I hope, also be taught how +to make a bargain, a talent which I must say is practically +inborn in every French woman of the middle +and lower classes. No woman in the world knows as +she does how to bring down the price of things to what +she wants it to be, in Paris especially.</p> + +<p>Perhaps they will advise her to do what I would +advise every visitor to Italy. I take it that you do not +speak Italian. Never mind that; three words will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> +serve your purpose perfectly. When you are in an +Italian shop and you ask the price of an article you +wish to buy, say to the man '<i>Quanto</i>?' (how much?); as +soon as he has named it, say '<i>Troppo</i>' (too much). Then +he will say something else. Just remark '<i>Mezzo</i>' (half +that), and then pay, and you will find that the shopkeeper +has still 40 or 50 per cent. profit.</p> + +<p>When I consider that women's-righters, as a rule, +complain bitterly of men for being of opinion that the +only thing which young girls should think about is to +prepare to become one day good wives and mothers, +I believe that great credit should be given to them for +having had the idea of starting schools where young +girls will be taught all the duties of attentive mothers +and economical wives.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>I had the privilege of being present at one lecture on +the training of children, and among all the good things +which I heard on the occasion I will quote the following, +which may be of great use, even to my English readers.</p> + +<p>1. Never threaten children with punishments you +may not be able or feel inclined to carry out. Don't let +your 'yea' mean 'nay,' nor your 'nay' 'yea.' You +must never be fickle or wavering in your dealing with +them, but always firm, just, and reliable, though kind +and indulgent. Don't punish them, and then regret it, +and afterwards fondle them as if to ask for their pardon. +If you do, you will run the risk of having your child say +to you: 'Ah, you see, mamma, you are sorry for what<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> +you have done. Instead of scolding me, I think you +ought to thank God for giving me to you!'</p> + +<p>2. Don't make mountains of molehills, or be constantly +down upon children for little breaches of +every-day discipline; don't be fidgety and fussy. +Never offer them a piece of candy, a bun, or an orange +as a reward for virtues, or as a bribe to cease being +naughty.</p> + +<p>Then came a few pieces of advice of a higher order, +and which I thought were sound in their philosophy. +Among these I cull the following:</p> + +<p>1. Do not expect your children to become a joy to +you in your old age if you have failed to be a joy to +them in their early life and training. Do not expect +them to support you when you are old. You had a +fair start of them in life, and you should be able to +provide for yourselves. They will very likely have +families of their own. Children are often sadly thrown +back through having to look after parents who, had +they taken time by the forelock, would have been able +to look after themselves, and to have given their +children a nudge onward into the bargain. For that +matter, never have to be grateful to your children, +except for the happiness they may procure you by their +affection and the successes which they meet with in life, +thanks to the education, money, advice, and what not +which you may have given to them.</p> + +<p>2. Don't let your vanity cheat you into the belief +that your children are wonders and exceptional<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> +phenomena, and that Nature's ordinary rules are not applicable +to them.</p> + +<p>In the nursery lecture on baby culture I retained two +or three pieces of advice which seemed to me remarkably +good, although my ignorance would not have enabled +me to give them. Young mothers, please listen:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p>1. Don't squeeze your baby's head.</p> + +<p>2. Never allow your child to go to bed in a bad +temper.</p> + +<p>3. Never encourage it to gaze into the fire, and never +tell it ghost stories, at night especially.</p> + +<p>4. Do not allow a rocking-horse before the age of +five.</p> + +<p>5. Never startle a child by sudden shrieks or any +other noises.</p> + +<p>6. In fact, quiet and diet will be the making of a +child strong in mind and body.</p> +</div> + +<p>I could fill several pages of this book with all the +good things I heard on the occasion of my visit to that +useful school.</p> + +<p>Maybe, one day such schools will be started in other +countries. I recommend this to the women's-righters +of the United States.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXXIII</h2> + +<h3>THE WORST FEATURE OF WOMEN AS A SEX</h3> + + +<p>Only a few days ago, while calling on a lady of my +acquaintance, the conversation fell on a lady singer +whom the public admired and applauded for many +years, and whose private character made her also a +great favourite in society. She left the operatic stage +a good many years ago, and went on the concert platform +under the management of her husband, who was a +well-known <i>impresario</i>. One day her voice failed her, +and so did her husband, who, realizing there was no +more money in his wife, thought that the best thing he +could do now was to leave her. With this, however, +he was not satisfied. A so-called London society paper, +having published a paragraph to the effect that he had +left his wife without any provision, this unspeakable cur +wrote to all the papers denying that he had ever been +married to that beautiful woman, who for years had +loved him, who had not only been faithful to him and +devoted to him, but had entirely supported him.</p> + +<p>People in England were so indignant that I remember +the man had immediately to leave all the clubs he was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> +associated with, and that the beautiful and talented +woman, who had been so shamefully deceived, inspired +such keen sympathy that she was more than ever sought +in society, where her reputation was so firmly established +that the letters written to the papers could not +put a stain on her character. In spite of my reminding +my lady friend of all the incidents of the case, the only +sympathy I could extract from her was the following +remark, 'She should have expected all this,' almost to +the tune of, 'She only got what she deserved.' Then, +starting to philosophize, she added: 'A woman should +know that the man who wickedly wrongs her does not +mean to marry her; and if a woman will live with a man +without being his wife, she must be prepared to bear +the consequences of her folly, and to be one day left in +the lurch.'</p> + +<p>'But,' I rejoined, 'do you mean to tell me that a +woman who, purely out of love, devotes her life to a +man, has not a right to expect that man to devote his +life to her, to protect her, to make her future safe, and +all the more so because they are not married? I am +afraid that what makes those acts of desertion so frequent +is the leniency shown by society towards them, +and the supreme contempt which women who are legally +married have for those who are not, and who are just +as respectable as they are, and very often a good deal +more so.'</p> + +<p>I am in business with many people who always had +such confidence in me, and I such confidence in them,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> +that there were never any contracts signed between us, +and I do not think they are more afraid of my breaking +my engagements with them, because they have not my +signature, than I am of their breaking their promise to +me, because I have in my hands no contract duly signed, +stamped, and witnessed.</p> + +<p>Men who deceive men, who break with them contracts +made only by word, are ostracized from society. +Why should men who deceive women be received by it +with open arms?</p> + +<p>There are men of honour in the world, thank Heaven! +and if men are expected to act honourably towards their +fellow-men, can you explain to me why women should +be found who think it quite natural that these same +men should not behave honourably, not even decently, +towards women who have placed their trust in them +to the extent of not exacting their signature on a +contract?</p> + +<p>The worst feature of women as a sex is the absence +of free-masonry among them. They stick together only +for the redress of more or less imaginary grievances; +perhaps the only one really momentous to their sex—I +mean the desertion of trusting women by treacherous +men—scarcely appeals to them. The woman who has +fallen through love and confidence will get no sympathy +from women, not even from the one who should give +it to her—I mean the one who has given herself to a +man, not because she loved him, but because he offered +her money and matrimony.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<p>Women who have in hand a contract of marriage +signed, stamped, and witnessed, are so inexorable towards +their sex that they will—I am ashamed to say it +for them—rather take the part of men betrayers than +that of poor women betrayed.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXXIV</h2> + +<h3>IS HOMŒOPATHY A CURE FOR LOVE?</h3> + + +<p>Since the publication of 'Her Royal Highness Woman' +and 'Between Ourselves,' some people, I am afraid, have +somehow been under the impression that I keep open a +sort of Dr. Cupid's office, in which I hold consultations +on questions referring to love and matrimony; and I +have received many letters—far too many to answer—in +which fair correspondents in trouble have written for +advice.</p> + +<p>Only quite recently I received a letter from a lady, +who writes: 'I am madly in love with a man whom I +cannot marry, but whom I have to see on business +almost every day; what should I do to be cured? +Should I marry another man who is now seeking my +hand, who can offer me a very good position, but whom +I do not love?'</p> + +<p>Now, here is a problem if you like: Can matrimony +be administered as an antidote? If so, in what doses?</p> + +<p>To tell you the truth, I rather believe in homœopathy—that +is to say, in the cure of the like by the +like. You want to be cured of your love for a man—why, +love another; it is as simple as possible. Yes, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> +the lady tells me she cannot love that other, yet she +seems inclined to 'swallow' him as an antidote. At +any rate, she suggests that she might do so, and I +suppose she wants me to tell her whether she is +likely to be successful, if the cure will be effective and +lasting.</p> + +<p>Of course, there is more chance of happiness in a +marriage which is contracted between a man who loves +a woman and a woman who does not love him than in one +contracted between a woman who loves a man and a man +who does not love her. Under the circumstances, a man, +after entering matrimonial life, is much more likely +to win his wife's love than a woman her husband's. I +believe this to be so true as to be almost taken for +granted.</p> + +<p>But, my dear lady correspondent, are you going to +tell that man honestly on what terms you are going to +marry him? Are you going to trust to his intelligence, +his tact, his love, his devotion, to win your affections? +And are you going to do your utmost to help him? +Surely you are not going to deceive him, let him think +you love him, and prepare for him and for yourself a +life of misery and wretchedness, and thus build your +married life on contempt and deceit, which will lead you +to hate your husband.</p> + +<p>But enough of awful suppositions, for, between you +and me, I can declare that your case is much more +hopeful than you think. The disease from which you +suffer—or, rather, from which you imagine that you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> +suffer—is quite curable, and is cured every day without +having to resort to such extreme measures as you suggest, +for, dear lady, do you not say to me that you love that +man 'madly'?</p> + +<p>Fireworks, shells, volcanic eruptions, and mad love +have this in common: they may do harm, cause suffering, +but they last a short time only. And, pray, why +do you see the man on business every day? Is he your +confessor, your doctor, your music-teacher, your dancing-master? +Has a royal escapade of recent date, like a +'penny dreadful,' created a disturbance in your otherwise +well-balanced mind?</p> + +<p>And why can't you marry him? Oh, I see, he is +married already.</p> + +<p>Now, are you aware that we never fall in love madly +except with people whom we cannot marry? You say +you did not know that. I tell you you have no idea how +simple your case is, and how common.</p> + +<p>By the way, would not, perchance, that man be the +'juvenile lead' who acts in the romantic drama which is +being played every day in your city? Oh, you matinee +girl! Are you aware that matinee girls invariably love +madly? Yes, as madly and as idiotically as do in the +play the heroes whom they worship.</p> + +<p>Now, do not take tragically, or even seriously, such +little clouds as 'mad love.' Do not use big words for +very little things. Mad love is the easiest love to cure. +Change your doctor or your dancing-master, or—if I +have otherwise guessed right—patronize another<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> +theatre. Go and see 'Hamlet'—that will cure you +of 'Romeo.'</p> + +<p>Then look more carefully at that very sensible man +who offers you marriage and a good position, and if you +realize that you can make him happy, and you are sure +you are not madly in love with him, marry him. And if +you study him very closely and discover in him qualities +and attainments that may lead you to fall in love with +him madly, don't tell him: he might believe you.</p> + +<p>Men are so silly!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXXV</h2> + +<h3>DOMESTIC TYRANTS AND THEIR POOR WIVES</h3> + + +<p>The domestic tyrant has redeeming features. As a +rule he does not beat his wife.</p> + +<p>He feeds her well, clothes her decently, and is faithful +to her. When she is ill he sends for the doctor, +and does not grumble unless her convalescence should +last too long. He does not want her to die, because +she consents to be his housekeeper without wages and +allows him to get out of her all the work that can +possibly be extracted from one being who does not +claim the protection of the 'eight-hour' law.</p> + +<p>He has enough self-control to resist the temptation +of insulting her. He treats her coolly, patronizingly, +and keeps her at a respectful distance, lest she should +take liberties with him.</p> + +<p>He is dull, solemn, conceited and selfish. When he +joins the family circle, wife and children have to be +busy and silent, the only noise allowed being the rustling +of the newspaper he reads. He takes the lamp, +the only one on the table, and places it just behind his +shoulder, so as to light his paper well. His wife—poor +cat! who has to see in the dark—goes on with her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> +sewing as best she can. The children remain motionless +and speechless until it is time to go to bed. Then +they smile, say good-night, and run away like culprits.</p> + +<p>When he goes out the children speak above a whisper, +and the women of the family breathe and express an +opinion among themselves, an act of audacity which +they would never think of indulging in in his presence; +and life goes merrily until someone, with a face a yard +long, rushes in and announces 'Father is coming!' The +domestic tyrant is invariably called 'Father' by the +wife as well as by the children, and the word is spelt +with a capital 'F,' and the 'a' is sounded as if there +were a dozen French circumflex accents on the top +of it.</p> + +<p>The domestic tyrant is neither a lazy man nor a +drunkard, nor anything that is bad. On the contrary, +he is a moral man. As a rule he does not even smoke, +and that is what makes him so powerful against reproach. +What can you say to a man who is steady, sober, intelligent, +hard-working, stingy perhaps, but asks forgiveness +for that on the plea that he has a large family to secure +the future of? Outside of his house he has a very good +reputation; he is invariably called a good husband and +a good father. He invariably speaks well of his wife. +Before strangers, before friends and relatives, in her +very presence, he will sing her praises and extol her +virtues, and will constantly repeat that for industry he +does not know a woman who could compete with her. +That is the way he encourages her in the path of duty.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> +The domestic tyrant is particularly great on duty, and +when he and his wife are alone, and there is nobody else +to hear him, he tells her that he fulfils his duties, and +that surely he can expect 'females' to perform theirs. +For him, women are 'females.' His wife alone can tell +you what he really is, and on the subject this is the +information you will receive from her:</p> + +<p>'I have to be his slave for twenty-four hours a day, +work for him, humour him, and, most especially, I must +never complain of being ill, or even mention that I am +tired. I have never had from him a word of pity, of +condolence, or even of sympathy. I have never received +encouragements. I have never heard a word of praise +from his lips.</p> + +<p>'On the other hand, it takes very little to discourage +him and make him lose his high spirits. If anything +has gone wrong with his business during the day, he +comes home frowning, snarling, quarrelsome, looking +for more trouble and grievances. He does not use me +as a consoling companion in the hour of misfortune or +as a comforter in moments of annoyance. No; he +looks upon me as a target at which he can aim all his +bitterness.'</p> + +<p>And she will tell you much more than that. She +will probably tell you that the larger the family gets, +the more he is pleased, because it gives her less and less +chance of finding time to leave her home.</p> + +<p>He goes out when he likes, where he likes, and would +never think of asking her, 'Won't you come along?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> +You never see them out together. Poor thing! life +would be tolerable to her if they were never in together.</p> + +<p>It would never enter the domestic tyrant's mind to +ask his wife if she is able to do her work alone, whether +he can help her in this or that, or simply inquire, in a +sympathetic manner, whether she doesn't feel tired after +her day's work.</p> + +<p>If he should hear complaints from her he has a +beautiful phrase ready for an answer: 'What did my +mother do? What did your mother do? I am sure +you are not worse off than they were.'</p> + +<p>This moral man, the domestic tyrant, is not uncommonly +dyspeptic, and bad digestion has been the cause +of more unhappy marriages than all the immorality of +the world put together.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p> +<h1>PART II</h1> + +<h2>RAMBLES IN MATRIMONY<br /><br /></h2> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> + +<h3>ADVICE TO YOUNG MARRIED PEOPLE</h3> + + +<p>The great art, the great science of happiness, in matrimony +especially, is never to expect of life more than it +can give. Therefore, prepare your nest in such a way +that the provisions will not be exhausted in a few weeks. +From the very beginning, put on the brake, or the car +will go too fast, and will get smashed.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Economize your caresses, rule your passions so as +never to make more promises than you can keep. You +cannot always work unless now and then you take a +rest, a holiday; neither can you always love unless +you proceed quietly and occasionally take a holiday. +Be sure that a holiday is as necessary to make you +enjoy blissful times as it is to make you endure hard +ones.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Do not for a moment believe that happiness in +matrimony can go on for ever and ever without<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> +calculation, without a great display of diplomacy on +the part of both husband and wife. Avoid being too +constantly the lover of your wife, because the lover-husband +is such a revelation to a woman that when +the day arrives—the fatal day!—on which the husband +remains alone and the lover has ceased to exist, your +wife will forget everything you may have done for her: +your constant attentions, your assiduity to your profession +or business, your forethought for her future and +that for her children—all that will count for nothing +when she realizes that the lover is gone.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Never allow a third person to interfere with your +private affairs. Never confide your little troubles and +grievances to anybody. Beware of the advising lady +who would say to you: 'If I were in your place, I +would not allow him to do this or to do that.' First +of all, she is not in your place; secondly, she cannot be +in your place, because she is neither in your heart nor +in that of your husband.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>You are the best judge—in fact, you are the only +judge—of what is best for you to do in the presence of +the many little difficulties that arise in married life. +Whether you are happy or unhappy, keep the secrets +of your married life to yourself; neither your happiness +nor your misfortune will cause you to increase the +number of your friends. Indeed, if you are perfectly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> +happy, it is only by remaining silent about it that you +will get people to forgive you your happiness.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Accept a life of abnegation and devotion. There is +in devotion a bliss which is unsurpassed. Devotion is +perhaps the most refined and lofty form of selfishness; +it raises you so much in your own estimation! It +enslaves so surely the hearts of those whom you love! +Devotion is not a sacrifice; it is a halo.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>If I were a woman, I would give all the pleasures of +life to witness the smile of my husband on a sick-bed as +I entered the room to come and sit by his side with his +hand in mine. In health, the man loves to feel that he +is the protector of his wife; in sickness, there is no such +arbour for him as the arms of the woman he loves.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER II</h2> + +<h3>THE MATRIMONIAL PROBLEM</h3> + + +<p>From inquiries which I have made right and left I have +arrived at this conclusion—that, out of a hundred couples +who have got married, fifty would like to regain their +freedom after six months of matrimonial life, twenty +have come to the same opinion after a couple of years, +ten more after a longer period, and about twenty are +satisfied, though, in the last case, it often amounts to +making the best of it. Not ten of them spend their +leisure time in returning thanks that they got married—perhaps +ten, but certainly not more.</p> + +<p>And I will add this—that, among my friends and +acquaintances, the couples who live most happily +together are, without exception, those who made up +their minds to be married most quickly, and did not +attempt, during years and years of engagement, to try +and learn how to know something of each other. I do +not give this as a piece of advice to those about to +marry. I simply state a fact, although I am prepared +to admit that long engagements have never been the +proper way of preparing for matrimony.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<p>In my opinion, the majority of marriages will have a +chance of turning out happily when the following will +have become customs and laws:</p> + +<p>1. Before a man makes love to a woman with the +intention of asking her to become his wife, and before +a woman allows a man to speak love to her, certainly +before she accepts his offer of matrimony, both will +have ascertained that there is no disease, moral or +physical, of an hereditary nature in either family; that +the man has been a good and devoted son, a cheerful +brother, and an honest man in all his dealings, well +spoken of by his employers or his acquaintances; that +the girl is not an extravagant woman, and has, among +her friends, the reputation of being amiable, cheerful, +and a favourite at home; that both will have sufficient +means to support themselves.</p> + +<p>I will go further. I will say that it should not only +be a custom to make inquiries about the antecedents of +the parties, and their financial position, but a law, and +a strict law, too, that would prevent couples from +marrying who were likely to present society with +undesirable children, or become a burden to the community. +I believe that no emigrant is allowed to land +in America who cannot prove that he possesses some +means of existence. No couples should be allowed to +enter the 'State of Union' who cannot prove that they +possess means to support themselves, and are healthy +in mind and in body.</p> + +<p>2. Girls will be told, like in the past, that their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> +destiny is to be one day wives and mothers, but they +will be intelligently prepared for both noble vocations. +They will come out of school able to keep a house, +cook a good, palatable meal, and make their own +dresses. They will know how to get their money's +worth when they go a-shopping. They will have +learned how to attend to babies, and have played +with live dolls. They will have listened to, and profited +by, lectures on hygiene. They will know all +these things, besides possessing the accomplishments +which are only meant to be dessert in matrimonial +life.</p> + +<p>Boys who have never been once told that their +destiny is to become one day husbands and fathers will +be prepared to be tolerably good ones. They will be +taught the consideration that man should always show +to woman. They will be taught to take off their hats +to women and young girls, and advised to do the same +one day to their own wives when they meet them. +When they get to be eighteen or twenty, they will be +informed of women's characteristic traits. They will +be told that a woman who accepts an offer of matrimony +does a man more honour than he conferred on her by +making the offer.</p> + +<p>When men and women shall by early training be +made, the former less selfish and conceited, the latter +less frivolous and extravagant, the chances of happiness +in matrimony will be greatly increased.</p> + +<p>Still, the problem will not be solved.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> + +<p>You will never prevent matrimony being a lottery. +Take your ticket and—your chance.</p> + +<p>After all, matrimony is like a mushroom. The only +way to ascertain whether it is the genuine article or +poison that you have got is to swallow it—and wait.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> + +<h3>WOMEN SHOULD ASSERT THEMSELVES IN MATRIMONY</h3> + + +<p>A cynic once said that in this world men succeed through +the qualities which they do not possess. By this he +meant to say that to cope with the pushing crowd, you +must not be too scrupulous, or you will let everybody +pass before you.</p> + +<p>A worse cynic, one of the blackest type and deepest +dye, went as far as to say: 'The way to succeed is to +have unbounded impudence, popular manners, absence +of scruple, and complete ignorance of everything.'</p> + +<p>But, then, take it for granted that this cynic was only +a disappointed failure. You will constantly hear the +man who has failed in life exclaim: 'Oh, if I had not +always wished to remain perfectly honest, I could have +succeeded like many others I know.'</p> + +<p>Just as you hear women who fail to get engagements +on the stage or the concert platform remark: 'If I +had had no objection to obtaining engagements in the +way some women do, I would have made my mark—but +I am not one of that sort.'</p> + +<p>At the risk of appearing paradoxical, and even +cynical, I will venture to say that in love, and in matrimony<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> +especially, certain great qualities are more detrimental +to the happiness of women than many of their +defects. And if this is a correct statement, to what +shortcoming of man are we going to attribute it?</p> + +<p>I know that on reading this some women will exclaim: +'Shame on you to say such a thing!' Very well, will +you listen to me? Look around you, among all your +circles of friends and acquaintances, of relatives even, +and tell me if, as a rule, the young girl who is vain, +selfish, coquettish, a flirt even, has not better chances of +marriage, and is not sought after rather than the simple, +unaffected, devoted, intellectual girl? Tell me if the +bumptious rose does not generally carry the day over +the modest, retiring violet?'</p> + +<p>Of course, I know that you will say to me, 'You may +be right; men—I mean most men—are caught, like +mackerel, by shining bait; but when a man is married, +surely he is not slow to recognise which of the two is +the right one to have as a wife, and to appreciate all +the qualities and virtues of the second one.'</p> + +<p>Well, you are wrong—wrong as can be. Look around +you again, study now the married couples that you +know, and you will have to confess that the wife who +is coquettish, frivolous, clever, will know how to make +herself respected, and even feared, by her husband much +more than the other.</p> + +<p>That husband will pay to her his best attentions, +will be proud of her, and will work like a slave in +order to meet all the expenses required for the adornment<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> +of her beauty without once venturing to make a +remark.</p> + +<p>I tell you that if I had a marriageable daughter, +whom I wanted to get rid of, I would tell her to put +all her retiring ways in the cloak-room and to assert +herself, and, after the wedding ceremony, I would +whisper in her ears:</p> + +<p>'My dear child, never make yourself the slave of +your husband; be good, faithful and devoted to him, +but do not forget that man is a strange animal, who +seldom appreciates what he does not pay for. In this +respect men are like those people who listen breathlessly +to music in a hall or theatre where they have +paid a guinea for their seats, and who, as guests in a +drawing-room, take the very best music as a signal for +entering into general conversation. If you want your +husband to listen to your music, make him pay for his +seat.'</p> + +<p>The poor little woman who follows to the letter all +the lectures she has heard on matrimony, at home and +at church wedding ceremonies, will soon find the irreparable +mistake she has made. In this rôle of devoted +slave she will lose her beauty, her intelligence, her very +mind, and will wither rapidly.</p> + +<p>Devoting herself, body and soul, forgetting herself +always in order to increase the welfare of her husband +she will work, wear herself out, until, when her beauty +is gone, her husband will feel for her nothing but indifference, +if not, alas! sometimes contempt.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p> + +<p>If one of the two must endure a privation in order +that the other may have more comfort, it should be the +man, always the man: first, because hard work and +privations do not hurt a man as they can hurt a woman, +physically and mentally; secondly, because a woman is +far more apt to appreciate self-abnegation in a man +than a man in a woman.</p> + +<p>All this does not mean that men are all brutes—no; +although it must be admitted that there is something +brutal in their very nature which is ever fascinated by +what is piquant, and never excited by a devotion which +they feel is, above all, the duty of the stronger toward +the weaker.</p> + +<p>Let women gently, diplomatically, but firmly, assert +themselves on the very threshold of matrimony, or all +the concessions which they make at the beginning will +soon be considered by their husbands as their due. In +matrimonial life, as in the government of nations, you +can never take back concessions or privileges granted too +quickly and without enough consideration.</p> + +<p>Women who start married life as slaves will never be +able to assert themselves or enjoy the slightest influence +over their husbands; and bear in mind that no marriage +has ever proved to be happy where the influence of +woman, though sweet and gentle, has not been paramount.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2> + +<h3>RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY—I</h3> + + +<p>I have many times been asked the question, Who are +the best subjects for matrimony? I believe (kindly +mark that I do not say I am sure) that the best subjects +for matrimony are people with simple tastes, equable +tempers, no very great aspirations, satisfied with doing +little and being little. These, at all events, are the +kind of people most likely to be happy in matrimony, +far more likely than, say, for instance, the 'intellectuals,' +who are ever in search of the pathway that leads to the +higher walks of life, who have ambitions to satisfy and +many inducements to divert their minds from the peaceful +ways of contentment and happy matrimony. Little +things please little minds, and those couples, whom +we have all met in life, who know nothing, who dream +of nothing above what they have got, who are perfect +mutual admiration societies, are the best subjects for +matrimony. These people, snoring under the same +curtain, eating out of the same plate, as it were, having +the same tastes, persuaded that no one is blessed with +such children as they have, satisfied with all they do, +sure that the religion they follow is the only true one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> +in the world, spend a peaceful and happy life in the +exchange of familiarities which, for them, constitute +love. They respect and enjoy each other; they echo +each other's sentiments; and their beings are coupled +together, trotting along, like two dogs well looked +after. Their discussions at home are never on any +higher questions than whether green peas are better +with duck than Brussels sprouts. They are cheerful, +smiling. She calls him Smith or Brown, and he never +speaks of her but as 'my good lady.' Before the +children they call each other 'father' and 'mother.' +They may be grocers, fruiterers—I don't care what they +are; they are happy, perfect subjects for matrimony.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>What divers and strange unions are sanctioned by +matrimony, to be sure! By the side of resigned couples, +harnessed together and painfully dragging the plough, +those who have never been able to understand each +other, through want of space, because they were too +near to make proper observations; those who, alas! +understand each other too well; sweet, amiable women +of poetic dispositions, chained to matter-of-fact, brutal +men; honest, saving, hard-working men fastened for +life to silly, thoughtless, extravagant women; romantic +women married to men who see no difference between +Vesuvius in eruption and the smoking chimneys of +Pittsburg or Birmingham; women of a keen, humorous +disposition living with dullards unable to see a joke; +Wagnerians having for wives women who prefer the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> +music of 'The Casino Girl' to that of 'Lohengrin': +almost everywhere tragedy or comedy.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Matrimony is a very narrow carriage. If you want +to be comfortable in it you have to be careful, or one +will soon be in the way of the other. To put yourself +to a little inconvenience now and then is the only way +of making the other comfortable. To believe that love +alone, without careful study, will resist all the shocks +and will be all the more durable that it is ardent is the +greatest mistake one can make in the world. Violent +passion may be compared to Hercules, who might have +enough strength to raise a palace on his shoulders, but +not enough to stand a cold in his head. It is the +thousand and one little drawbacks of matrimonial life +that undermine it. Love will survive a great misfortune, +but will be killed by the little miseries of conjugal +partnership. In matrimony it is the little things that +count and which, added up, make a terrible total. The +waning love of a wife will not be revived by the present +of a thousand pound pair of ear-rings, but it may +be kept up by the daily present of a penny bunch +of violets, which reminds her that you think of her +every day of your life. It is not the great sacrifices +that appeal to her as do constant little concessions. +Many men would sacrifice their lives who would not +give up smoking or their too frequent visits to their +clubs for their wives. Many women will be the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> +incarnation of devotion and self-abnegation who will not do +their hair as their husbands beg them to.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Surely matrimony ought to procure happiness, for +the greatest bliss on earth should be to love in peaceful +security with the guarantee of the morrow. Matrimony +is all right. So are the symphonies of Beethoven—when +they are performed by orchestras who play in +time and in tune.</p> + +<p>The worst—indeed, the only serious—drawback to +matrimony is that it is an everyday meal which, +palatable as it may be, runs the risk of becoming +insipid, and of making fastidious the people who have +to partake of it. True, but then let people who are +intelligent and thoughtful supply seasoning which will +whet the appetite and combat Habit, that demon which +is their deadliest enemy.</p> + +<p>It is folly, rank folly, to believe that it is wise, even +prudent, to exhaust all at once the sum of happiness, +illusion, and love with which one enters the state of +matrimony, and to give one's self body and soul until, +soon satiated and by-and-by tired of each other, both +will turn their heads away in disgust, and may, later +on, lose them in despair.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> + +<h3>RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY—II</h3> + + +<p>There was a time, and I can remember it myself, when +men as well as women wore wedding-rings. It was, I +think, a very pretty custom. The wedding-ring ought +to be worn by both husband and wife, not only as a +constant reminder of faith sworn, but also as a talisman; +it should be a cherished jewel given to the +husband by the wife, as well as one given to the +wife by the husband, and given in each case with a +loving, earnest kiss impressed upon it. The wedding-ring +is such a priceless jewel in the eyes of loving +women that I have heard of some who became insane on +losing it. Why should it not be priceless in the eyes of +a man who loves his wife?</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Every time that two beings who live together are +not of the same opinion or of the same taste, a concession +on the part of the one or of the other has to be +made, or trouble will follow. This is a rule without +exception. In conjugal parlance Concession is another +name for Duty. Concessions should even be made in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> +everyday conversation, and long discussions most carefully +and invariably avoided. Discussions are generally +useless; they never lead to conviction, and may cause +you to run a dangerous risk—that of losing your control +over your good temper. In a wild desire to prove +that he is right, a man will blurt out words that he +will be sorry to have uttered, betray thoughts which he +always meant to keep to himself, and when the discussion +is over those words remain and the harm is +done.</p> + +<p>The moment a discussion takes too lively a form, one +of the two should have enough self-control to stop +adding fuel to it and remain silent, even at the risk of +letting the other suppose that his (or her) arguments +are unanswerable. Of course, this silence should be +kind, discreet; not that odious silence of ill-assorted +couples, which is a silence of disgust and hatred. If +both man and wife are quick-tempered and unable to +avoid a heated discussion, they should leave off at once; +they should even separate and go, he to light a cigar in +his library or in the garden, she to touch her piano or +take up a novel, until both have forgotten all about it.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A mistake made by a great many married couples is +to avoid speaking of money matters. But the most +loving couples cannot altogether live on love and the +air of the atmosphere; it is not given to all of them—in +fact, it is given to only very few of them—to spend<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> +without having to count. A man and a wife are +two friends, two partners, who should constantly hold +pleasant little committee meetings of two in order to +discuss all matters of pecuniary interest and balance +their budget of receipts and expenditure. Once a week +at least, they should employ an hour in this way, hand +in hand, like the best of friends. Thus it is that by +mutual confidence each will encourage the other to +think of the future, and little by little both will soon +find themselves possessing the nucleus of a small fortune, +in which they will take more and more interest, and +which one day, to their surprise, will be found quite +snug and bearing an interest that will add considerably +to their annual revenue.</p> + +<p>A married woman should never consent to receive so +much a week for household expenses, so much a month +for her dress, and to be treated, so to speak, as a +dependent person. It should be left to her to decide +whether, considering what the financial situation is, she +can afford two new hats or one only. The suggestion, +much less the order, should not come from her husband, +but from herself.</p> + +<p>I like the French system, where a man consults his +wife in all important matters of financial interest, such +as the investment of savings, etc.; but from the day +she is married, the French wife begins to be taught by +her husband the details of his profession or business, +and the best and safest investments of the day, and +she immediately and invariably is appointed by him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> +secretary of the treasury—among the masses of the +people, anyway—and that is why I have not the least +hesitation is asserting the fortune of France is so stable +and steady. It is because, thanks to the influence of +the wife, French families have their money invested in +the safest Government securities. So long as they can +work, they are satisfied with a very small interest for +their capital, in order to be quite sure that when the +days of rest will become a necessity, that capital will be +there to keep them, if not in wealth, at all events in +comfort and complete independence.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When married couples have nothing better to do, +they should amuse themselves making all sorts of +plans for the future. They should plan journeys to +distant countries, build castles in the air, buy country +houses, and consult each other and decide how they +shall furnish them and lay out the grounds. These +plans are like barricades—they mask the future; besides, +they cause you amusement and cost nothing. +And—who knows?—among those many plans perhaps +there will be one of your predilections that you will +actually be able to realize. What happens then? Plans +are akin to caresses—they go together hand in hand; +they are the gratuitous pleasures of sweet intimacy.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Young married people should avoid being too demonstrative, +not only in public, but in private, in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> +first years especially. They should constantly remember +that they enter the state of matrimony with a +certain capital of love. They must not squander that +capital, but live on the interest of it only.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>There are young people who too often feel the want +of manifesting their love by exaggerated proofs of +tenderness, such as the administration to each other of +names of birds and pet quadrupeds, of showers of kisses, +of little pats on the face. The exaggerated frequency +of such acts produces a reaction, and often a slight sensation +of enervation, that should never be born of caresses. +And as these outward shows of love run the risk of +diminishing in number and fervour, there is danger of +their thus becoming a sign or a proof of decline in +tenderness.</p> + +<p>In public these demonstrations are ridiculous and +vulgar; they put other people ill at ease, who smile +and sneer, and even remark, 'They will soon get +over it.'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2> + +<h3>RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY—III</h3> + + +<p>To marry a beautiful woman for the mere love of her +beauty is to undertake to dwell in a country that has a +temperature of 100 in the shade without being provided +with clothes that will enable you to stand a winter of +50 below zero when it comes.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In the relations between men and women it is, after +all, beauty that makes woman particularly attractive to +man. For this reason, the love of a man is more +sensual, more jealous, than that of a woman, which is +more affectionate, more confiding, and more faithful. +As a rule, the passion of a husband goes on diminishing +as that of his wife goes on increasing. A man exacts +of his wife her first love; a woman exacts of her husband +his last. Only the select few can manage their matrimonial +affairs with such clever diplomacy as to make +these different elements of happiness and sources of +danger work together with success.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Married people would live more happily together if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> +they could now and then forget that they are tied +together for life. Any little scene that may help them +to forget it should be enacted by them.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Happiness in matrimony is more solid when it is +founded on friendship through thick and thin than +when it is merely on love.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In love a moment of bliss is nothing; it is only the +morrow which purifies and sanctifies it. How many +married couples would be happy if they would only +think of the morrow!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The husband who knows how to always keep something +in store for his wife has solved the great problem +of happiness in matrimonial life.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Cupid introduces men and women into that enclosure +which is called matrimony, and then discreetly and +almost immediately retires. What a pity it is he does +not make their acquaintance later, in order to remain +with them for ever!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Marriages would be very much happier if women +preferred marrying men who love them to those whom +they love.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + +<p>Matrimony would be a glorious institution if women +would take as much care of themselves for their +husbands as they do when they expect guests at their +dinner-parties and receptions.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Women should devote all their best attentions to +learning how to grow old in time and gradually, and +in remembering that tears make them unattractive, and +angry looks hideous.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>One of the greatest dangers to happiness in matrimony +is not want of love, but too much of it, at the +beginning especially. Love dies of indigestion more +quickly than of any other disease. Never satiate your +wife—or your husband—with love. Do not live on +£10,000 the first year of your married life, and be +obliged to reduce your income by £1,000 or £2,000 +every year. Begin gently, quietly, and let your +revenue, like your love, slowly but steadily increase. +There lies your only chance. With self-control you +have it at your disposal.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>All vocations require preparation and apprenticeship. +Matrimony is the only one which men and women can +enter into without knowing anything about it. Alas!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2> + +<h3>THE START IN MATRIMONY, AND ITS DANGERS</h3> + + +<p>In matrimony it is not 'All is well that ends well'; +it is 'All is well that begins well, but not too well.' +Starting from this principle, I have often advised +young husbands to control themselves, and to be careful +to avoid putting all their smartest dialogue and strongest +situations in the first act of the comedy of matrimony, +for fear lest the interest should go on flagging steadily +to the end.</p> + +<p>I have advised them to see that their wives do not +get their own way in everything at once, and not to +make themselves their abject slaves, because, just as no +government has ever been known to successfully suppress, +or even reduce, any liberty or privilege previously +granted to the people, just so will no husband +be able to recover one inch of the ground he has surrendered +if he capitulates on the threshold of matrimony.</p> + +<p>In fact, let young husbands and young wives behave +toward each other in such a way that their friends will +not smile and say: 'Lovely, but too good to last, I'm +afraid.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<p>The dangers against which I have attempted to warn +men exist for women—devoted, loving women who wish +to start matrimony by trying to do the impossible in +order to please their husbands, or, if not the impossible, +at all events, what it may not be in their power to do +for ever, or even for a long time.</p> + +<p>One of these dangers is that of economy.</p> + +<p>'My dear,' remarked a shrewd friend to a bride of a +few weeks' standing, 'you will make a terrible mistake +if you let your husband think that you can keep house +on nothing.'</p> + +<p>Young wives are sometimes pitifully anxious to be +credited with remarkable cleverness as house-mistresses. +The more they love their husbands, the less they like +the idea of their toiling and moiling. Hence they are +keenly anxious to prove themselves helpmeets in the +literal sense of the word.</p> + +<p>Not only will they name a far smaller sum as housekeeping +money than their husbands can well afford to +give them, but they will actually save out of that +sum enough for their own clothes and petty cash +expenses.</p> + +<p>All this self-sacrifice is not only charming, but +beautiful, when there is necessity for rigid economy. +Young couples who wisely marry on small incomes, +instead of wasting the sweetness of their youth over an +endless engagement, must make a study of ways and +means, and the wife who will cajole a shilling into doing +duty for a five-shilling piece is a jewel beyond price.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p> + +<p>Again, when times are bad, when the bread-winner +falls ill, and the treasury runs dry, there is no more +pathetic and lovely sight than the brave little wife who +struggles and succeeds in keeping the wolf out of the +house.</p> + +<p>But in instances where no serious demand of this +kind need be made upon a wife's ingenuity, she is a +very short-sighted woman indeed who does not see +the dangers and realize the evils of overzealous +economy.</p> + +<p>There would be fewer complaints of marriages that +result in the wife being merely an unpaid servant or +housekeeper, who cannot give notice to leave, if brides +began as they meant to go on, for no one save those +who have lived through the process knows how difficult +it is to introduce a new régime when once its opposite +had been inaugurated and accepted.</p> + +<p>'You said you would find £3 10s. a week ample a +month ago. Why in the world do you want £5 now?' +asks the husband, whose wife has been foolishly anxious +to impress him with her cleverness as an economist, and +finds she cannot keep up the farce beyond the limit of +a few weeks.</p> + +<p>Economy may be carried too far from choice. There +are women who simply love saving. They neglect their +intellectual life, and abandon all attempts to keep in +the movement, all in order to grind down the weekly +bills. No reward awaits them.</p> + +<p>The women who believe themselves perfect because<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> +they are economical, and consider the spring-cleaning +of their house the greatest event of the year, grow old +before their time, and are never the companions modern +wives should be to their husbands.</p> + +<p>Be good, but never overdo it, I will say to any woman +who has the sense of humour.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2> + +<h3>'OMELETTE AU RHUM'</h3> + + +<p>When you are dining with an intimate friend, and an +<i>omelette au rhum</i> is served, what do you do? Without +any ceremony, you take a spoon, and, taking the burning +liquid, you pour it over the dish gently and unceasingly. +If you are careless, and fail to keep the pink +and blue flame alive, it goes out at once, and you have +to eat, instead of a delicacy, a dish fit only for people +who like, or are used to have, their palates scraped by +rough food. If you would be sure to be successful, you +will ask your friend to help you watch the flame, and +you will even ask him to lift the omelette gently so that +the rhum may be poured all over it until the whole of +the alcohol contained in the liquor is burned out.</p> + +<p>This <i>omelette au rhum</i> is a fairly good symbol of +matrimony.</p> + +<p>In the earliest stage of married life the eggs have just +been broken, beaten, and strewn with sugar, a light has +been set, and everything is burning and perfectly +beautiful. The young partakers of the matrimonial +repast are intoxicated with their new life, their new +emotions, their new sensations; they require no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> +indulgence toward each other, no special cleverness or +diplomacy to please each other; there are no concessions +to make—neither of them can go or do wrong; +the flame burns of itself.</p> + +<p>I do not mean to say that the flame can be kept +burning for ever and ever—alas! no, not any more than +life can be made to eternally animate your body. The +flame must go out one day, as some illness must one +day end your life. But, just as hygiene teaches how to +keep our good health prolonged by precautions of all +sorts, just so does common-sense, aided by diplomacy +and skill, help us to keep alive the flame of love between +the man and the woman who have kindled it.</p> + +<p>And let no woman accuse me of manly conceit if I +say that, clever and attentive as the man must be, the +woman has to be more clever and attentive still, and +that simply because it is a fact—an uncontradicted fact +(call it psychological if you like, or physiological if you +prefer)—that the love or passion of a woman goes on +naturally increasing in married life, whereas that of a +man goes on just as gradually and steadily decreasing.</p> + +<p>In marriage the flame of love has been known to keep +long alive through the intelligence of the wife, and even +without any effort in that direction on the part of the +husband; but the contrary has never been known to be +successful.</p> + +<p>Woman is a divine delicacy who has to tempt the +appetite of man; but the most exquisite delicacy +may become insipid if served every day with the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> +eternally same sauce. This is plain common-sense, +and let me tell you this: that no married life (not one) +has a shadow of chance to be happy for long unless the +woman clearly understands and quickly realizes that, if +moral duties are the same for men and women, Nature +has made their temperaments absolutely different.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2> + +<h3>COQUETRY IN MATRIMONY</h3> + + +<p>No coquetry in matrimony? Who is the Philistine who +dares utter such blasphemy? Good heavens! if half +the curling-pins, which are used by women at night in +order to be beautiful the following day and attract the +attention and admiration of strangers, were used by +them in the morning, so that they might be beautiful +the same day, and draw the attention and admiration +of their husbands, there would be happiness in matrimony, +and the world would go much better than it +does.</p> + +<p>The greatest, the most dangerous enemy of happiness +in matrimony is habit which engenders monotony. You +get too much accustomed to each other, and love fades, +as a flower which falls off its stem before it has lived its +natural life, owing to some insect which destroys it.</p> + +<p>That insect in matrimony is habit, which devours +everything without your being aware of its presence. +Destroy that insect before it has had time to do any +harm, and you will have saved your dual happiness.</p> + +<p>A grave error committed by many women is to +believe that they must look their best for the friends,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> +acquaintances and strangers who visit them, but that +they need not take much trouble for their husbands.</p> + +<p>But the fact is that a woman ought to ever appear +before her husband at her very best, whether it is in a +morning negligée or in a full afternoon or evening +toilette.</p> + +<p>Your husband, my dear lady, ought to see in you +more than he could see in any other woman. All comparisons +ought to be to your advantage. It is not at +all necessary that you should have an expensive gown +on at breakfast-time. Your hair well fixed, and a nice-fitting +dressing-gown may make you look as attractive +as a beautiful ball-dress.</p> + +<p>It is not clothes that make a woman fascinating; it +is the way she puts them on.</p> + +<p>In fact, never allow yourself to be seen by your +husband in any other state than that in which you +would allow yourself to be seen by the male portion of +your acquaintances, not even in illness. As long as +your strength permit, remain coquettish and jealous of +your appearance. Yes, I say, even on a sick-bed.</p> + +<p>The part you have to play consists in spraying a +perfume of poetry around you. Fill your husband with +remembrances of you, so that, even when you are not +visible, you are present before his eyes.</p> + +<p>Allow him the most complete liberty, and never ask +him questions on what he has done, where he has been.</p> + +<p>Take it for granted that he has done nothing which +he should not have done, that he has been nowhere<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> +where he should not have been, and it is that perfect +confidence which you show you have in him that will +always keep him in the path of faithfulness, unless he +is, which is only exceptional, an absolutely bad man.</p> + +<p>If clouds are gathering over your happiness, it is for +you women to clear them away. You are the guardian +angels of the home, which is your kingdom. If you +have trials, strain every nerve to appear smiling, and if +sometimes tears stifle you, shed them in secret, even +should the cause of your trial be the inconstancy of +your husband.</p> + +<p>You will not bring him back to you with reproaches, +tears and scenes. You will thus keep him away for +good. Remember that Nature, which has treated you +so ungenerously, makes you ugly when you weep and +hideous when you make a scene.</p> + +<p>You will bring back an erring husband by your kindness, +your sweetness, your devotion, and your intelligence. +The only infallible way to get a husband +attached to you is to let him believe that you never +suspected him, much less accused him, even when he +was guilty. Call to your aid whatever resources are at +your disposal—resources of intelligence, of beauty, of +abnegation—and, if your husband is not a brute, he will +return to you, and he will be all the more ashamed of +the way in which he neglected you for a time that, by +your behaviour, you seem to consider he had never for a +day ceased to love you.</p> + +<p>Never make an allusion to the fatted calf which you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> +killed on the return of the prodigal heart. Be as +merciful in your victory as you were in your temporary +defeat.</p> + +<p>Do not be satisfied with forgiving; forget, and make +him forget everything. Use scales: on one side place +his years of devotion to you, his industry, his forethought +in securing your future and that of your children; on +the other his faults; and even if these scales should +incline to remain horizontal, with a gentle touch of +your finger make them go down in favour of what he +has done for you.</p> + +<p>The supreme coquetry of a woman is to know how to +reign, even when her husband governs. Her very weakness +is the best weapon in her hands. Her husband +should be the motive of all her actions. Before thinking +of appearing beautiful to the indifferent, she should +think of appearing beautiful to her husband.</p> + +<p>If she is admired, she should feel proud of it for his +sake, and make him understand that only crumbs are for +strangers; that he alone is invited to the whole meal of +her beauty, her love, her boundless devotion.</p> + +<p>And let me add that there is not, in this chapter, a +single word of advice which I give to women in their +dealings with husbands which I do not endorse and give +to men in their dealings with their wives.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER X</h2> + +<h3>RESIGNATION IN MATRIMONY</h3> + + +<p>According to characters and circumstances, resignation +is the virtue of the weak or the virtue of the strong. A +woman resigns herself to her fate in married life, sometimes +because she has not enough strength of will, +sometimes because she does not deign to revolt, oftener +still because she discovers that her rebellion could only +make matters worse for herself, and especially for her +children.</p> + +<p>If her husband is good, her resignation will soon +bring him back to her; if he is bad, her rebellion will +make him much worse.</p> + +<p>If you cannot sympathize with your husband, or +adopt his views and manner of thinking, resign yourself, +keep your views for yourself, and do not transform +your married life into an eternal French public meeting, +where, instead of striking pebbles together in +order to obtain light, they throw them at one another's +faces.</p> + +<p>Fulfil your duties. Never complain. Never exact +what is not offered to you, unless it be respect. So long +as your husband treats you with respect, at home as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> +well as in public; so long as he is the thoughtful father +of your children, and carefully and industriously attends +to his profession or business, respect him and inspire in +your children the respect for him, and especially do not +make your children the confidant of your grievances; +that is your foremost duty.</p> + +<p>I cannot say to you: Try to force yourself to love +your husband. This is not in your power. But I +will say: Be irreproachable, and thus make yourself the +superior of your husband. Devote yourself to your +family. If you are rich, do with your money all +the good that you can. The greatest possession is +self-esteem. You can rise so high that the offences +committed against you may appear infinitely small. +After all, we get in this world the place that we +know how to make for ourselves.</p> + +<p>Never let the outside public know the details of your +private life. Receive your friends and your guests with +a smile on your lips. If your husband is a gentleman, +he will show you before them the greatest consideration, +and if you are a lady you will treat him in a like +manner.</p> + +<p>If your husband is unable to offer you his love—I +mean a lover's love—do not commit the mistake of +refusing his friendship, for it is just possible that this +man, who has not in him the power to love you as a +lover, would still be ready to give his life for you.</p> + +<p>He would certainly be still ready to give it for his +children, <i>your</i> children. Surely that friendship is worth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> +having. Of course, the young wife, who discovers after +only a few years of marriage that the dream of love has +vanished, is to be pitied, supposing that it has not been +through her fault that the dream has had such a short +life; but the woman who for twenty or more years has +had a faithful lover-husband is conceited and ridiculous +beyond measure when she does not almost cheerfully +resign herself to the inevitable crisis in matrimony; and +if she has children that she takes in her confidence, and +thus estranges from their father, her vanity is not +very far from criminal. At all events, she deserves +the sympathy of no one.</p> + +<p>Resign yourself to the inevitable. Let the days of +love, happiness, and devotion count in the final reckoning, +and, in turning over a new leaf, be sure you bring +forward devotion, and soon happiness may have to be +added again.</p> + +<p>Put on a cheerful face always, and remember that it +pays to excite envy, never to excite pity.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2> + +<h3>TIT FOR TAT</h3> + + +<p>There is more joy in heaven, we are told, for one sinner +who repents than for a hundred righteous people who +keep straight on the narrow ways of salvation.</p> + +<p>And, I should add, there must be more joy in hell for +one good man who goes wrong than for a hundred +sinners who persevere in their wicked ways.</p> + +<p>There should be more joy in the heart of a woman +for a man who remains in love with her than for a +hundred others whose admiration she may obtain.</p> + +<p>There are some women who may love a man ever so +much, and be loved by him to their hearts' content, who +will use all their artillery to bring down strangers to +their feet, but who will make little or no effort to look +their best for the man who loves them and is devoted to +them. For such women their beauty is an altar erected +to unknown gods.</p> + +<p>Married life would be an everyday bliss and an eternal +one if men never thought of doing to or before their +wives what they would never dream of doing to or +before any ladies of their acquaintance, and, of course,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> +if women did the same; but such is not always, even +often, the case. Hence the trouble.</p> + +<p>How many men have taken their wives to a ball, +women whose radiant beauty and brilliant toilettes have +caused the admiration of all men present, and also the +envy of many women?</p> + +<p>How many men have felt that, if the said wives had +made as much preparation for them as they had for all +the strangers present at that ball, they could have fallen +at their feet and worshipped them?</p> + +<p>On returning home, however, Madame has immediately +retired to her room, ordered her maid to quickly +remove and pack away the lovely attire, and, an hour +later, prepared for the night's rest, she appeared before +her husband with her hair all prepared for the next day, +her hands carefully gloved so that they may be as white +as snow—also for the next day—and wrapped up and +as inaccessible as a valuable clock that is going to be +shipped to the other end of the world.</p> + +<p>That is the lot of many men—may I not even say of +most husbands? Then a bold husband will venture to +make some remarks. He will say, 'Now, my dear, I +hear you practise your scales and exercises, but seldom +do you treat me to a piece of music, which I only hear +when I have guests or we go out. Everyone—at the +ball—has admired your beautiful hair and your lovely +gown, but for me, all I see is hairpins and curlers and a +dressing-gown.'</p> + +<p>And Madame will answer more or less sourly, 'Is it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> +because I am your wife that I must grow ugly? Do +you want my hair to fall over my neck and shoulders +to-morrow like weeping willows? Do you want my +hands to be red and chappy? Are you sorry I am careful +of my clothes and have them put away, well folded +in tissue-paper, when I have no need of them?</p> + +<p>'Do you reproach me for doing you honour and being +at the same time careful? Will you tell me, is there +any way to please you? And do you think that, after +enjoying herself and receiving compliments during a +whole evening, it is very pleasant for a woman to return +home and hear nothing but rebuffs, reproaches and the +like?'</p> + +<p>The poor man feels he is beaten, that he is a brute, +and he says nothing more, until one night when it is +time to retire, he prepares a surprise for his wife.</p> + +<p>'What's all this?' exclaims the wife when she realizes +what has happened.</p> + +<p>'Nothing, dear,' he replies. 'To tell you the truth, +I go hunting to-morrow morning, and I shall have to +rise very early. My hunting-boots are new, and in the +morning my feet are always a little swollen, so I keep +them on to save trouble. You must excuse my spurs, +too, dear, but I prefer these, which are fastened to the +boots. I shall be most comfortable to-morrow.'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2> + +<h3>THE IDEAL HUSBAND</h3> + + +<p>There are qualities which most women admire in men, +and there are qualities which practically every man +admires in all women; but if you were to ask of a +hundred men, 'What is the ideal wife?' and of a +hundred women, 'What is the ideal husband?' you +would get a hundred opinions all different one from +the other.</p> + +<p><i>Quot capita, tot sensus</i>, which, in the case of women, +I should like to translate, 'So many pretty heads, so +many different opinions.' This, however, is as it should +be. Only there remains that terrible problem for every +man and woman to solve: Find your ideal if you can, +and when you think you have found it, see that you are +not disappointed.</p> + +<p>I have of late interviewed a good many Parisiennes +on the subject, and I will give some of the answers +which I have received.</p> + +<p>One said to me: 'The ideal husband is the one who +devotes his life to his wife, who makes her the first +consideration in all his thoughts and acts, who understands +that she is the aim of everything which he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> +undertakes, and that he should use all the resources +that Nature has placed in his mind and Fortune has +put in his hands in order that she may be happy and +remain long beautiful.'</p> + +<p>I need not say that this was the opinion of a young +girl who had only just made her début in society. Nor +do I need say that the following came from the lips of +a married woman—one, however, whom I guarantee to +be in the possession of all the womanly virtues likely to +make a husband most satisfied with his lot.</p> + +<p>'The ideal husband,' she said, 'is the one who lets +his wife alone, who does not interfere with her household +duties or any of her little womanly fads, who is +not always paying her compliments or besieging her +with advice, and who is not always by her side or +behind her back, who seldom addresses her reproaches, +and never reminds her of what he has done to deserve +her gratitude, who is not fussy, fidgety, or a bore of a +model of propriety and virtue.</p> + +<p>'When I was a young girl I dreamed of matrimony +as a sweet state of slavery. Now I shout for liberty—liberty +for him and liberty for me. I do not mean to +say, of course, that man and wife should live apart and +not care one what the other does. No, no; but I +firmly believe that we should remain at a respectful +distance from the objects which we want to see to +advantage and admire.</p> + +<p>'A woman should never allow even the most loving +and beloved of husbands to be constantly making love<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> +to her. One may suffer from abundance of wealth. A +great deal of discretion and a certain amount of respect +between married people are sure to secure the duration +and the solidity of their affection. Those who live at +too close quarters are sure to part one day or the +other.'</p> + +<p>Here is another, with less philosophy, but a good +deal of what I might call paradoxical psychology:</p> + +<p>'The ideal husband,' said to me a woman married to +a French painter on the road to celebrity, 'is the one +who is not a man of genius. Nothing monopolizes a +man like a great talent for writing, painting, or even +business; he belongs to his muse, his art, or his figures. +His thoughts are absorbed, and he has very few, if any, +left for the little creature who lives with him, not in +the clouds, but by his side on this earth.</p> + +<p>'When he returns from his dreams, he throws at her—poor +inferior being!—a glance of pity, if not of contempt. +My ideal husband is a man who can live for +me as I am ready to live for him, and who can do +without a mistress, whether that mistress be called +Literature, Art, or Commerce. I love great men, great +poets, great painters or sculptors, but I would not have +a great man for a husband; nay, furthermore, I should +like to have a husband jealous of all the great men of +my predilection in the world of fiction.'</p> + +<p>A piquant little woman, not a bit beautiful, but +absolutely charming and the embodiment of amiability +and cheerfulness, said to me:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> + +<p>'The ideal husband shall not be a handsome man, +but a gentlemanly one, with a keen sense of humour, +cheerful, a laughing philosopher, and a man with a +magnanimous turn of mind, who would never take +advantage of a little trouble in which I might find +myself entangled to say to me, "I told you so," but get +me out of it quickly.'</p> + +<p>Of course, all my fair friends, without exception, have +insisted on the ideal husband being indulgent, generous, +manly, sincere, loyal, and above middle height. Strange +to say that none of them ask him to be handsome, +much less insist on it. One of them even went so far +as to say:</p> + +<p>'A husband should not be handsome. First of all +he is never very beautiful, since he is a man. But he +might be worse; he might think he is beautiful, and +then Heaven help his wife!'</p> + +<p>'The ideal husband,' remarked a lady, 'is a man who +should never be ridiculous, never make a fool of himself, +and never for a moment believe that women took notice +of him. A woman's love may survive any defect in her +husband, but ridicule never.'</p> + +<p>The fact is that words or acts of a man ridiculous +enough to make his wife wish she were a mile deep +under the floor will lower him so much in her estimation +that she will never be able to look up to him again; +and no woman has ever been known to drop her love—she +sends it up always. I will conclude with the opinion +of an American lady:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> + +<p>'The ideal husband should never part with any of +his most refined manners in his home, where he should +endeavour ever to appear at his best, in dress, language, +and behaviour, in the presence of his wife, who is his +queen.'</p> + +<p>I expected as much from her supreme and magnificent +majesty, Mrs. Jonathan, Queen of the United +States.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2> + +<h3>MARRYING ABOVE OR BELOW ONE'S STATION</h3> + + +<p>It is said in England that, of all men who occupy high +positions in professional life, judges are those who +oftenest marry below their station.</p> + +<p>Many are even said to have married impossible +women, and on these women many amusing stories are +related in the smoke-rooms of London clubs—stories +which, I have no doubt, are of the <i>se non è vero, è ben +trovato</i> type, and as faithful to truth as the stories that +are told on the feet of the Chicago women or the intellect +of the Boston girls.</p> + + +<h4>CHORUS-GIRL MARRIAGES</h4> + +<p>However, it must be admitted that fools are not the +only men who marry women that are greatly inferior to +them in manner, education, and social standing; the +cleverest men and the most aristocratic ones have often +been known to do the same.</p> + +<p>Dukes, marquises, and earls have married chorus-girls +and shop-girls; great literary men and artists +have married uneducated girls, and have led very happy +lives with them. Of course, I pass over the aristocracy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> +who marry among the common people in order to get +their coats of arms out of pawn. If they are poor and +marry rich girls, you can hardly call this a case of +<i>mésalliance</i>, since the superiority of birth in the man is +compensated by the superiority of fortune in the +woman.</p> + +<p>Of course, <i>mésalliances</i> appeal to people, because +they always suggest marriages for love, and novelists of +all countries have worked this theme for all it is worth. +In real life they very seldom work well, for the simple +reason that matrimony places a man and a woman on +absolutely equal footing, and that happiness for them, +in the case of a <i>mésalliance</i>, is only possible on condition +that one goes up to the level of the superior, or the +other comes down to the level of the inferior.</p> + + +<h4>EDUCATING ONE'S WIFE</h4> + +<p>Marriages that have the greatest chances of success +are those in which the two partners bring the same +amount of capital in social position, in education, in +fortune, in character, and I will even add in stature and +in physical beauty, with perhaps a slight—a very slight—superiority +to the credit of the man in all these conditions, +except that of beauty, which is an attribute that +woman can possess in any degree without making the +happiness of her husband and herself run any risk.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Hodgson Burnett, in one of her novels, makes a +barrister fall in love with a girl who works in the coal-mines +of Lancaster (another case of the legal profession<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> +going wrong). The man has the girl sent to school to +learn manners and get educated, then marries her, +and all is smooth ever after.</p> + +<p>I have heard of this being done in real life with less +success. The behaviour of the man in a case like this +should create gratitude in the heart of the woman, and +gratitude does not engender love. On the contrary, Cupid +is a little fellow so fond of his liberty and so wilful that +anything that tends to influence him—worse than that, +to force him—has on him the contrary effect to that +which should be expected.</p> + +<p>Yet, I say, it is the only way to bring an uneducated +woman to the level of an educated man—before matrimony. +After marriage the woman is acknowledged, +proclaimed the equal of her husband, and she will stand +no hint as to her being inferior to her husband in any +way.</p> + +<p>If she loves him and is not conceited, any act on his +part, however kindly performed, that would suggest to +her that she might improve herself in language, behaviour, +etc., would cause her unhappiness and even +pangs of anguish.</p> + +<p>If, on the other hand, she did not love him and was +conceited, or even only of an independent character, +she would soon give him a piece of her mind on the +subject of her improvements, and let him hear the great +typical phrase of democracy, 'I'm as good as you.'</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> + +<p>DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTS</p> + +<p>No, no; he must put up with the situation, and make +the best of it. In that case men console themselves +with the thought that their wives are pretty, or that +they are good housekeepers, good cooks. After all, a +man gets married to please himself, not for what the +world has to say of his wife.</p> + +<p>Still, you have to succeed in the world, and if you +despise the opinion of the world the world turns its +back on you. And you must remember this: however +big you are, or you think you are, the earth can go on +running its course round the sun without your help.</p> + +<p>French and American women have a keen power of +observation and native adaptability. Better than any +other women in the world, they can soon adapt themselves +to new surroundings and new ways, and learn +how to talk, walk, dress, and behave like the leading +women of any new social circles they may have entered. +Witness the American women that are to be seen at the +courts of Europe.</p> + +<p>However, the experiment of a <i>mésalliance</i> is always a +dangerous one to make. Nine times out of ten the +rabbit will always taste of the cabbage it was brought +up on.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2> + +<h3>PREPARE FOR MATRIMONY, BUT DO NOT OVERTRAIN YOURSELVES</h3> + + +<p>I'll tell you what the trouble is with most women in +connection with matrimony—they expect too much out +of it. Not only do they expect too much, but, in their +goodness, they prepare themselves to do too much, to +give too much; in fact, they overtrain themselves.</p> + +<p>The moment a woman is in love and becomes a +fiancée she cultivates the growing of her wings, and +orders a halo for her head—in fact, she sets herself to +rehearse the part of an angel.</p> + +<p>But see the 'cussedness' of things! Man is a strange +animal, who prefers women to angels, and the result is +that things go wrong. The dear soul is persuaded that +she is going to marry a hero, a demi-god, and very soon +she discovers that, after all, she has married only a man. +How few of us can stand comfortably and long on the +pedestals that our admiring friends have erected +for us!</p> + +<p>When that woman engaged herself she did not go +straightway to her parents, as she should have done, and +ask them for information on man and matrimony. Her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> +father might have gently disabused her on the subject +of many illusions. Certainly her mother would. No, +she did not do that. She kept to herself, read poetry, +invented poetry, filled herself with poetry.</p> + +<p>Boys dream of military life. To them it means +gorgeous uniforms, a sword, a life of adventure, battle +and glory. Girls dream of married life. To them it +means beautiful dresses and jewels and a life of love-making. +But soldiers do not always fight, and husbands +do not always make love, and that is why military life +and married life are often so sadly disappointing.</p> + +<p>The dear little woman has prepared herself to be +loving and devoted every minute of her life. She has +stored provisions of all the best resolutions and virtues +under the sun and above. She arrives in her new home +ready to yield in everything, even ready to run the +house and dress on nothing a year. How she loves that +man! Her whole being is given up to love. By-and-by +she discovers that the most loving couples require +one or two meals a day, and that fig-leaves are much +more expensive than they were when they were first +worn. Her husband, who, like all men, is an idiot as +far as the knowledge of housekeeping is concerned, +begins to grumble when she asks for a reasonable sum +to allow her to keep things going decently. Remarks +pass, lectures are delivered, faces frown, and frowning +faces don't go well with halos.</p> + +<p>Why will young girls leave it to their imagination to +find out what married life is? Why do they not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> +consult and listen to the advice of married lady friends, +choosing those who are happy, of course?</p> + +<p>They would hear the voice of common-sense.</p> + +<p>'If you want your husband to love you and be happy, +my dear,' some old stager will tell her, 'follow <i>Punch's</i> +advice—feed the brute. Never expect him to be loving +while he is hungry. The way to his heart is through +the portion of his anatomy that lies just under it.'</p> + +<p>Another will say to her: 'Don't start married life by +keeping your house on nothing a year, because your +husband will find it quite natural, and will get used +to it.'</p> + +<p>Let that girl frankly confess to her sweetheart that +she is not an angel, and the probability is that, if he is +a man, he will say to her: 'Never mind the angels, +dearie; be a woman: that's quite good enough for +me.'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2> + +<h3>ACTRESSES SHOULD NOT MARRY</h3> + + +<p>'Are you married?' once asked an English magistrate +of an actress who had been summoned for assault. She +had flung a pot of cold cream in the face of her +manager.</p> + +<p>'No, sir,' replied the lively lady, 'nor do I wish +to be.'</p> + +<p>'That is fortunate for your husband,' remarked the +judge, who probably had Irish blood in his veins.</p> + +<p>The actress—I do not mean the mere woman on the +stage—is made by her profession unfit for matrimony. +If she is fit for it, she is not, and never will be, a great +actress.</p> + +<p>I know that you will at once tell me that Mr. and +Mrs. Kendal and Mr. and Mrs. Cyril Maude (Winifred +Emery) have been married a good many years and lived +most happy lives together. I even imagine that you +will easily be able to name others, but I will still maintain +that they are only exceptions, and you will please +remark that in the exceptions I have named the +husbands have, as actors, quite as high a reputation as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> +their wives, which may be the very explanation of those +exceptions.</p> + +<p>The actress is a heroine, partly owing to the rôles +that she plays, and partly to the talent which she +displays in them, and no heroine can be a good wife to +a man unless he be a hero himself. A woman can +never drop her love, and she never does; she gives it +only to a man she can look up to.</p> + +<p>But there are a great many other reasons. An +actress wants perfect freedom of action. She cannot be +bothered by household duties, hampered by the bringing +up of children, mindful of the attentions required, +or at least expected, by a husband.</p> + +<p>Her soul and her very nervous system have to be +stirred by the whole gamut of sentiments, sensations, +and even passions, or she will never be able to stir the +soul of her audience.</p> + +<p>Can you imagine Lady Macbeth, Camille, Fedora, +Phedre, La Tosca, Brunnehilde, played by young innocent +virgins or by attentive and devoted wives who mend +their husbands' stockings and make the puddings? +Perhaps you will tell me that Mrs. Kendal does all that, +and if you do, my reply will be, 'Will you please leave +me alone with Mrs. Kendal?'</p> + +<p>However, since we have mentioned the name of that +great actress, I will quote her, and repeat what she said +to me one day: 'It is a general rule with me never to +engage married couples in my company; whenever I +have done so I have had trouble. I want both men and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> +women to act in my plays without having to mind what +their wives or husbands may look like in the wings while +they are making love on the stage.'</p> + +<p>The husband of an actress is nine times out of ten +an intolerable bore. He is jealous when she rehearses, +he is jealous when she plays, he is jealous when the +audience applauds her, he is jealous when she receives +bouquets, he is jealous and suspicious if the manager +increases her salary, he is jealous during the intervals, +he makes scenes to her when she returns home, and, if he +does not, he sulks, which is worse, because the man who +consumes his own smoke is far less bearable than the +one who 'has it out' and has done with it. Even if he +is not all that, he has that feeling, which we can quite +understand, that his wife belongs to the authors of the +play, to the manager of the theatre, to the public, to +the critics—in fact, to everybody except himself.</p> + +<p>No, actresses should certainly not marry unless they +marry actors, but as a rule they do not, and will +not.</p> + +<p>The actor may be a hero to the susceptible matinée +girl, who sees him as Othello, Hamlet, Romeo, Henry V., +d'Artagnan, or some other romantic swashbuckler, but +he is no hero to the woman who dwells in the dressing-room +next to his, and who knows that he is putting on +his wig, smearing his face with grease-paint, making-up +his eyes, and covering his face with violet-powder with +a puff, which he handles in ladylike manner. The actor +loses in the eyes of an actress all the prestige which is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> +due to mystery and imagination, and which constitutes +the primary and fundamental element of the attraction +of one sex for the other. I have never met actresses +of standing who had admiration for actors as men, +much as they might praise them as members of their +profession.</p> + +<p>Ninety-nine times out of a hundred the marriage of +an actress is a mistake, a remorse, or an act of folly. An +actress, in order to interpret the works of dramatists, +should love, love passionately, dream, suffer even terribly, +in order to be able to incarnate love, voluptuousness, +suffering, and despair. The drama is the reflection of +humanity; the art of the actress should be the reflection +of all the different passions that have stirred her own +heart and soul.</p> + +<p>Another thing: The public takes a greater personal +interest in a woman who is not married than in one who +is. Actresses know this so well that, when they are +married, they insist on having their names put on the +bills as Miss So-and-So. When they do not, managers +make them do it.</p> + +<p>For art's sake, for her own sake, and, remembering +the remark of the magistrate, I will add, for her +husband's sake, an actress should not marry.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2> + +<h3>A MATRIMONIAL BOOM</h3> + + +<p>There is quite a boom in the French matrimonial +market just at present, and not marriages of convenience +either, but real good love matches. Young girls +elope with respectable young men holding good positions +in order to compel their parents to give their consent. +Sons now inform their fathers and mothers that +they have, without their help or even their meddling, +chosen wives for themselves. It is an open state of +rebellion against the old state of affairs in France.</p> + +<p>Hitherto there were practically only two kinds of +marriages among the upper classes and the good +bourgeoisie of France: the marriage of convenience +from which love was excluded, and the marriage for +love, which, nine times out of ten, was a <i>mésalliance</i>. +And, to do justice to the old system, let me say that, +as a rule, the marriages of convenience turned out to be +much happier than <i>mésalliances</i>, which generally consisted +in marrying mistresses—that is to say, according +to Balzac, in changing tolerably good wine into very +sour vinegar. However, in these marriages of convenience, +arranged by families, the social position of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> +the bridegroom and the dot of the bride were the first +considerations, and these couples, after being married, +often discovered they were made one for the other, and +more than one husband won his wife by courting, and +really fell in love with her. In cases of <i>mésalliance</i>, +after the hours of passion had gone, the husband discovered +that all his prospects in life were destroyed +through being married to a woman he would never be +able to make acceptable to the people of the set he +belonged to, and often despair followed disgust, for woe +to married people if either of them has the slightest +cause for being ashamed of the other!</p> + +<p>But things are being changed, and a splendid sign of +the times it is, too. Young Frenchmen now seek wives +among the families of their own stations in life, court +them, and make up their minds to marry them, and, +what is best of all, parents begin to realize that, after +all, it is their sons, and not themselves, who marry, and +that it is they who should make their choices.</p> + +<p>I believe that this new state of things, which I hope, +for my country, will last, and even yet improve, is +greatly due to the influence of the Anglo-Saxons, +English and Americans, whose freedom in matrimonial +matters is getting more and more familiar to the French +through reading and travelling.</p> + +<p>Like the Anglo-Saxons, they begin to see the practical +side of matrimony. The young Frenchman says +to himself: 'I do not send my father to my tailor to +choose the clothes I am to wear, and I do not see why<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> +I should allow him to go and choose for me the girl I +am to marry.'</p> + +<p>There are other reasons which may also be due to the +ever-increasing influence of Anglo-Saxon manners and +customs on France. The French girl is every day +getting freer. She is no longer cloistered, as it were, +at home and at school. She now frequents the society +of young men, gets better acquainted with them, and on +more intimate terms than before. She is more independent, +feels more confidence in herself, knows more of life +than before, and the consequence is that she is better +able to provoke the love which she desires to inspire in +a man of her choice.</p> + +<p>There may also be an economical reason which +incites young Frenchmen to seek love in matrimony +instead of outside of it. They have been observing +their elders, and come to the right conclusion that real +love and respectable women are much more within their +means than sham love and disreputable women. A +charming companion, who is at the same time a sweet +mistress and counsellor, a careful housekeeper and a +devoted wife, appears to them in her true light—the +best article in the market. Besides, they realize that +the man who is married has a social advantage over the +one who is not. The man who marries a girl of his own +society can now explain that he married her simply +because he loved her, without thinking that he has to +apologize for his action by mentioning what a good +stroke of business he has made.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p> + +<p>Most men of the preceding generation avoided matrimony +as they would have avoided ridicule. The part +of husband and father struck them as unpleasant and too +<i>petit bourgeois</i>. Literature and the drama helped to fill +them with this notion; but now literature and the +drama are getting optimistic. We are getting over the +period of problem novels and plays, in which all the +morbid diseases of the heart were dissected. The +heroes of novels and plays begin to get married without +ceasing to be interesting, and the result is that the +present generation of France is getting more healthy +and more cheerful. This is most hopeful for France, +for the regeneration seems to take place in every class +of society. The friends of France will rejoice in this +evolution. I have always maintained, and still maintain, +that it is the educational system that explains the +prosperity of the Anglo-Saxon race, and that absolute +freedom for men to marry the women they love +explains its strength and its marvellous vitality.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVII</h2> + +<h3>LOVE WITH WHITE HAIR</h3> + + +<p>Don't smile. If there is a love absolutely beautiful, +almost holy, it is love with white hair. If conjugal +tenderness deserves at all the name of love, it is at that +time of life when it becomes idealized and purified. If +two hearts can, in this world, beat in perfect unison, it +is the two hearts of old married couples united by a +whole life of tender intimacy. Love, in getting old, +does not become repulsive—like an old beau, who, with +dyed hair and moustache perfumed, thinks he can pass +for a handsome young man. In those kisses, which are +no longer given on the lips, but, with sweet reverence, +are discreetly given on the hand or on the forehead, in +the effusions of an old married couple, I see the most +profound and most holy of human tenderness.</p> + +<p>They are no more lovers, but they are friends who +cannot for a single moment forget that they were lovers, +and who spend the winter of their lives in sweet remembrance +of the beautiful spring, the glorious summer, and +the restful, sober autumn they enjoyed together.</p> + +<p>This final sublime love may be rare, but it does exist; +it is the reward of concessions made and of faults<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> +forgiven; the reward of cheerfulness, the result of long +years spent together, sharing the same joys, the same +sorrows, and the same dreams. Tactful, refined, they +are at this very moment as thoughtful as they ever +were before. Each one is the first consideration in the +world to the other. The refinement of their courtesy +to each other is a constant avowal of the esteem they +feel; in their old intimacy they keep the same scruples, +the same delicacy as they did in the first days of their +married life. They do not call each other 'love,' +'darling,' not even, perhaps, by their Christian names, +but 'dear friend'—and they lay on 'dear' an emphasis +that shows how sincere the expression is.</p> + +<p>I tell you that there is no love in which you can find +as much poetry as in the love of those dear couples who +for forty or fifty years have walked side by side loving, +respecting, helping each other, dreaming, praying, +suffering together, and whose actions, words, and +thoughts have each added an item to that treasure +which they can now count piece by piece. This long +community of hearts, this habit of sharing everything, +has even established between them a physical likeness +which would almost cause you to take them for brother +and sister rather than for man and wife.</p> + +<p>And how children do love these dear old couples! how +they feel attracted toward them! There is a wonderful +affinity between very old people and very young +children. Both are alike in many ways: the former +have lost their strength, the latter have not yet got<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> +theirs. The world goes in a circle, and at the end of +his career the old man meets the child. They have +sympathy for each other, they understand each other, +and the past and the future are the best of friends. +Old people play with children with their hearts and +souls in absolute earnest, without any of those signs +of condescension which children are so quick to detect +and to resent; and I am not prepared to say that the +young children enjoy the play more keenly than do +the old ones.</p> + +<p>Oh, if people would early prepare to become old, +what pleasures would be kept in store for them!</p> + +<p>In the peaceful winter of a well-spent life, love with +white hair is an evening prayer that soars to the abode +of the seraphs.</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1>PART III</h1> + +<h2>RAMBLES EVERYWHERE<br /><br /></h2> + + +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> + +<h3>LITTLE MAXIMS FOR EVERYDAY USE</h3> + + +<p>It would do most of us a great deal of good to always +keep in mind, or to be now and then reminded of it, +lest we should forget it, that, when we are gone, the +earth will not stop, but will continue her course around +the sun. No one is indispensable in this world.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In order to be successful, the cruet-stand should be +used with a great deal of discretion: a little salt always, +never any pepper, vinegar very sparingly, and oil always +in plenty.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Never in your dealings with a man let him suppose +that you take him for a fool. If he is not one, he will +appreciate your consideration; and if he is one, he will +go about singing your praises. Either way, you will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> +probably win; at any rate, you can't lose, and that's +something.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When you have seen a man enjoying himself telling +you a story, never tell him that you have heard that +story before, and, above all, never tell him that you +know a much better version of it, and proceed with it.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Remember that the acknowledged best conversationalists +are those who have the reputation of being good +listeners. You will be called brilliant according to the +way in which you will give others a chance to shine.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>People who tell you all the good things that are said +of you teach you nothing new. Listen to criticism, +especially that which is fair and kind; then you may +learn something and profit by it.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When there is something nasty said about you in a +newspaper, you never run the slightest risk of not seeing +it. There is always a friend, even at the Antipodes, +who will post it to you, well marked in blue pencil at +the four corners. He takes an interest in you, and +feels that the paragraph may not do you any harm in +the way of antidote. It doesn't.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p> + +<p>When you hear that a man has taken such and such +a resolution, take it for granted, when you feel ready to +criticise him, that you are not the only person in the +world who knows what he is about.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The most valuable gift of nature to man is not +talent, not even genius, but temperament and character. +If you have both talent and character, the world will +belong to you, if you succeed in making talent the +servant, and not the master, of your character.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The successful man is not the one who seeks opportunities, +but the one who knows how to seize them by +the forelock when they present themselves. The great +diplomatist is not the one who creates events, but the one +who foresees them and knows best how to profit by them.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A man may be very clever without being very successful. +This happens when he has more talent than +character; but when a man is very successful, never be +jealous of him, for you may take it for absolutely granted +that he possesses qualities which account for his success.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Envy is the worst of evils, the one that pays least, +because it never excites pity in the breast of anyone, +and because it causes you to waste lots of time concerning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> +yourself about other people's business instead of +spending it all minding your own.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Watch your children most carefully, for when they +are ten or twelve years of age you may detect in them +signs of defects, or even vices, which, if developed, +instead of checked at once, may prove to be their +ruin.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The key to success in life is the knowledge of value +of all things.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>It often requires a head more solidly screwed on the +shoulders to bear a great success than to stand a great +misfortune.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35px;"> +<img src="images/i_acorn.png" width="35" height="45" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>The knowledge of the most insignificant thing is +worth having.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER II</h2> + +<h3>DO THE BEST WITH THE HAND YOU HAVE</h3> + + +<p>It would be absurd to say that there is no such thing +as luck. Of course, there is luck, and fortunate is the +man who knows how to seize it at once by the forelock.</p> + +<p>For instance, it is luck to be born handsome, strong, +and healthy; it is luck to be born rich, or of generous +parents who spend a little fortune in giving you a first-class +education.</p> + +<p>What is absurd, however, is to say that you are +always unlucky. You cannot always be unlucky any +more than you can always be lucky. When a man +says to you, 'I am pursued by bad luck,' or, 'This is +my usual bad luck,' you know that he is lazy, quarrelsome, +unreliable, foolish, or a drunkard.</p> + +<p>You may be unlucky at piquet a whole evening—even, +though seldom, a whole week; but if you go on playing +a whole year every day, you will find that, out of +365 games, you have won about 180 and lost about +180. I take it for granted, of course, that you are as +good a player as your opponent.</p> + +<p>There is no more constant luck or constant bad luck<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> +in life than there is at cards, but there is such a thing +as good playing with either a good or bad hand, and in +life such a thing as making the best of fortunate and +unfortunate occurrences. A man is bound to have his +chance, and his 'luck' consists in knowing how to avail +himself of it.</p> + +<p>Practically every officer has had a chance to distinguish +himself one way or the other, and therefore +to be noticed by his chiefs and obtain promotion. +Every artist has seen something which may reveal his +talent, his genius, if he has any. Every good actor is +bound to come across a part which may make his +fortune.</p> + +<p>The same may be said of literary men and journalists. +Every man in business, if he keeps a sharp look-out, has +a chance for a good investment that will be the nucleus +of his fortune if he knows how to watch and nurse it +carefully. What most men call bad luck is not that +chance does not present itself to them, but simply that +they let it go by and miss it.</p> + +<p>If you want to be lucky in life, force luck and +make it yourself. Believe in yourself, and others will +believe in you.</p> + +<p>Rise early, be punctual, reliable, honest, economical, +industrious, and persevering, and, take my word for it, +you will be lucky—more lucky than you have any +idea of.</p> + +<p>Never admit that you have failed, that you have been +beaten; if you are down, get up again and fight on.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> +Frequent good company, be sober, constantly take +advice, and refrain from giving any until you have been +asked for it. Be cheerful, amiable, and obliging. Do +not show anxiety to be paid for any good turn you may +have the chance of doing to others. When you have +discovered who your real friends are, be true to them, +stick to them through thick and thin.</p> + +<p>Do not waste time regretting what is lost, but +prepare yourself for the next deal. Forget injuries at +once; never air your grievances; keep your own secrets +as well as other people's; get determined to succeed, +and let no one, no consideration whatever, divert you +from the road that leads to the goal; let the dogs bark +and pass on. According to the way you behave in life, +you will be your greatest friend or your bitterest enemy. +There is no more 'luck' than that in the world.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> + +<h3>BEWARE OF THE FINISHING TOUCH</h3> + + +<p>'Leave well enough alone,' as the English say, is a +piece of advice which may be followed with benefit in +many circumstances of life.</p> + +<p>How many excellent pictures have been spoiled by +the finishing touch! How often have I heard art +critics, after examining a beautiful portrait, exclaim, +'H'm, léché!' Well, I cannot translate that French +art expression better than by 'Too much retouched—too +well finished!' This is a fault commonly found in +women's portraits.</p> + +<p>How many fortunes have been lost because people, +instead of being satisfied with reasonable profits, waited +for stocks to go still higher, and got caught in a financial +crash!</p> + +<p>Even in literature I see sad results, when authors +follow too closely that principle laid down by Boileau +for the elaboration of style: 'Polish and repolish it +incessantly.'</p> + +<p>Alas! how many stilted lines are due to the too +strict obedience to this advice! What is too well +finished often becomes far-fetched and unnatural.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span></p> + +<p>How many sauces have been spoiled by cooks trying +to improve what was already very good!</p> + +<p>How many wings have been singed for not knowing +how to keep at a respectful distance from the fire or the +light!</p> + +<p>No doubt there is such a thing as perfection; but +who is perfect and what is perfect in this world, except +that ineffable lady who, some weeks ago, took me +severely to task for having written an article in which +I advised my readers to be good, but not to overdo +it?</p> + +<p>The firmaments are perfect, some flowers are perfect, +but these are not the work of man. Nature herself +seems to have divided her gifts so as to have no absolute +perfection in her creatures. The nightingale has song, +but no plumage; the peacock has plumage, but his +voice makes you stop your ears.</p> + +<p>And the women! Well, yes, the women—let us speak +of them.</p> + +<p>Which of us, my dear fellow-men, has not admired a +woman of ours whose toilet was finished? We thought +she looked beautiful then, we admired her, and we put +on our gloves proudly, saying:</p> + +<p>'She is coming.' Yet she did not come. True, +her hat was on and fixed when we saw her, and we +thought that she was ready. Not a bit of it. She +was not.</p> + +<p>After she has finished dressing, and is absolutely +ready to go out, she will begin to fret and potter about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> +in her room for another hour. She goes from looking-glass +to looking-glass. That is the time when she +thinks of the finishing touches.</p> + +<p>She pulls her hat a little more to the right, then a +little more to the left, in order to ascertain how that +hat can be improved. She touches and retouches her +hair.</p> + +<p>Her complexion is beautiful, a natural rosy pink, for +which she ought to return thanks, all day long, to the +most generous and kind Nature who gave it to her. +But, at the last moment, she thinks that this, too, +might be improved.</p> + +<p>So she rubs her cheeks and puts more powder on +them. The rubbing makes her cheeks so red that she +has to subdue the colour. She works and works, and +now takes it into her head that, being warm, her nose +must be shining.</p> + +<p>She takes the puff and puts powder on it. An hour +before she was a woman who, in your eyes at all events, +could not very well be improved.</p> + +<p>Now she is ready, and emerges from her apartment. +Her hair is undone behind and ruffed in front, her hat +is too straight, and her face looks made-up. The +rubbing has changed her lovely pink complexion into a +sort of theatrical purple red.</p> + +<p>You feel for her, because, being very proud of her +complexion, you do not want your friends—you +do not want anybody—to say: 'Oh, she is made-up.' +And you own that she looks it, and altogether she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> +does not look half so well as she did when she had +finished dressing, and had not begun the finishing +touches.</p> + +<p>Beware, ladies! Many a most beautiful woman has +been spoiled by the finishing touches.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2> + +<h3>THE SELFISHNESS OF SORROW</h3> + + +<p>Real sorrow is no more expressed by the correctness of +a mourning attire and the despair written on a face than +true religious fervour is expressed by the grimaces that +are made at prayer-time.</p> + +<p>Just as we are told in the Gospel to look cheerful and +not to frown and make faces when we pray, just so, I +believe, those who have gone before us would advise us +not to advertise the sorrow we feel at their loss, but +keep it in restraint, and not surround ourselves, and +especially not compel those who are living with us to be +surrounded, with gloom.</p> + +<p>The outward signs of sorrow are often exaggerated and +not uncommonly nothing but acts of selfishness. The +memory of the departed is better respected by control +over the most sincere sorrow, and children, young ones +especially, who cannot at their age realize the loss they +have sustained, have a right to expect to be brought up +in that cheerfulness which is the very keynote of the +education of children.</p> + +<p>The real heroine is the woman who leaves her grief +in her private apartments and appears smiling and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> +cheerful before her children. The best way to serve the +dead is to live for the living. There is no courage in +the display of sorrow; there is heroism in the control +of it.</p> + +<p>Great hearts understand this so well that many of +them, like the late Henry Ward Beecher, desire in their +wills that none of their relatives should wear mourning +at their death. There is a great difference between +being in mourning and being in black, and I often +suspect that the more in black a person is the less in +mourning he or she is.</p> + +<p>To be able to attend minutely to all the details of +a most correct mourning attire almost shows signs of +recovery from the depth of the sorrow.</p> + +<p>But even when our sorrow is deeply felt and perfectly +sincere is it not an act of selfishness on our part to +impose it, to intrude it, on others—even on our nearest +relatives?</p> + +<p>I admire the Quaker who, quietly, without attracting +the attention of anyone at table, silently says grace +before taking his meal.</p> + +<p>How favourably he compares with the host who +invites every one of his guests to bend their heads, and +to listen to him while he delivers a long recital of all +the favours he has received from a merciful God, and +of all the favours he expects to receive in the future!</p> + +<p>The first is a Christian, the second a conceited +Pharisee. There is as much selfishness in an exaggerated +display of sorrow as there is in any act that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> +is indulged in in order to more or less command admiration.</p> + +<p>The truly brave and courageous people are modest in +their countenance; the truly religious are tolerant and +forgiving; the truly great are forbearing, simple, and +unaffected; the truly sorrowful remember that their +griefs are personal; before strangers they are natural +and even cheerful, and before their children they are +careful to appear with cheerful and smiling faces.</p> + +<p>After all, the greatest virtue, the greatest act of unselfishness, +is self-control. Sorrow gives man the best +opportunity for the display of this virtue.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> + +<h3>THE RIGHT OF CHANGING ONE'S MIND</h3> + + +<p>A woman's prerogative, it is said, is the right of changing +her mind. How is it that she so rarely avails herself +of it when she is wrong?</p> + +<p>It should be the prerogative of a man also. +'What is a mugwump?' once asked an American of a +Democrat. 'It's a Republican who becomes a Democrat,' +was the answer. 'But when a Democrat becomes a +Republican, what do you call him?' 'Oh, a d—— fool!' +quickly rejoined the Democrat.</p> + +<p>We forgive people for changing their opinions only +when they do so to espouse our views, otherwise they +are, in our eyes, fools, scoundrels, renegades, and +traitors.</p> + +<p>To my mind the most dignified, praiseworthy, manly +act of a man is to change his opinions the moment he +has become persuaded that they are wrong. To acknowledge +to be in the wrong is an act of magnanimity. To +persist in holding views that one knows to be wrong is +an act of cowardice. To try to impose them on others +is an act of indelicacy. The successful man is the +opportunist who does what he thinks to be right at the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> +moment, whatever views he may have held on the +subject before.</p> + +<p>When, in full Parliament, Victor Hugo and Lamartine +declared that they ceased to be Royalists, and immediately +went to take their seats on the Opposition benches, their +honesty and manliness deserved the applause they +received.</p> + +<p>Gladstone, who died the greatest leader of the Liberal +party, began his political life as a Tory Member of +Parliament. Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield, who for +years was the chief of the Tory party, began his public +career as Radical member for Maidstone.</p> + +<p>Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, to-day practically the +leader of the Conservative party, not only was an +advanced Radical, but a Republican. Up to about +eighteen years ago, the comic papers never failed to +represent him with a Phrygian cap on.</p> + +<p>Every man can be mistaken in politics as well as in +science, just as he can for a long time be mistaken in +his friends.</p> + +<p>The more you study, the more independence of mind +you acquire. Events take a new aspect, and strike you +in a different light. With age, judgment becomes +more sober: you weigh more carefully the <i>pros</i> and <i>cons +</i>of all questions, and you often arrive at the conclusion +that what you honestly believed to be right is absolutely +wrong. And it is your duty to abide by your conclusions.</p> + +<p>The greatest crimes in history were committed by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> +irreconcilable men who lacked moral courage and dared +not admit that they were not infallible. Philip II. of +Spain was one.</p> + +<p>That irreconcilable Imperialist, M. Paul de Cassagnac, +wrote the other day: 'When a statesman, a leader of +men, perceives that he has made a mistake, he has only +one thing left for him to do: disappear altogether from +the scene, for, having deceived himself, he has been +guilty of deceiving others.'</p> + +<p>The aim of man—of the leader of men especially—is +to seek truth at any price.</p> + +<p>Some men proudly say at the top of their voices: 'I +swear by the faith of my ancestors, what I thought +at twenty I think now. I have never changed my +opinions, and, with God's help, will never change them.'</p> + +<p>Those men believe themselves to be heroes; they are +asses, and if they are leaders of men, they are most +dangerous asses.</p> + +<p>To live and learn should be the object of every intelligent +man whose eyes are not blinded by conceit or +obstinacy.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2> + +<h3>WHAT WE OWE TO CHANCE</h3> + + +<p>Pascal once said that if Cleopatra's nose had been half +an inch shorter the face of the world would have been +changed. If we read history, or even only use our own +recollections, we can get up an interesting and sometimes +amusing record of more or less important events +which are entirely due to chance or most insignificant +incidents.</p> + +<p>To begin with my noble self. On August 30, 1872, +I went to the St. Lazare station in Paris to catch a +train to Versailles. At the foot of the stairs I met a +friend whom I had not seen for a long time. He took +me to the café, and there, over a cup of coffee, we +chatted for half an hour. I missed my train; but fortunately +for me I did, for that train which I was to +have caught was a total wreck, and thirty lives were +lost in the accident.</p> + +<p>A lady whom I knew many years ago once eloped +with a young man she had fallen in love with. Now, +this was very wicked, because she was married. It was +on a cold December day. When both arrived at the +hotel where they were going to stay, they found no fire<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> +in their apartment, and ordered one to be made at once. +While this was going on they both caught a cold, and +were seized with an endless fit of sneezing. They +thought that they looked so ridiculous—well, the lady +did, at any rate—that she ordered her trunk to be +taken to the station immediately. She caught the next +train to Paris, and never did I hear that she was guilty +of any escapade ever after. But for that fire that was +not lit, all would have been lost.</p> + +<p>At the inquest which a few days ago was held over +the body of Mrs. Gore, the American lady who was +shot accidentally while in the room of her Russian +friend, it was discovered that the bullet had struck the +eye without even grazing the eyelid. The experts came +to the conclusion that if she had been murdered, or had +committed suicide, she would have blinked, and her +eyelids would have been touched by the bullet. But +for this marvellous occurrence, the young Russian would +have been tried for murder, and perhaps found guilty.</p> + +<p>An Australian of my acquaintance some years ago +wrote to his broker ordering him to sell 500 shares in +the Broken Hill Mining Company. The servant to +whom the letter was given mislaid it, and only screwed +up his courage to tell his master two days later. In the +meantime the shares had gone up, and, so seeing, the +Australian waited a little longer before selling. Then +came the boom. Two months after the day on which +he had ordered his broker to sell the 500 shares at 40s. +apiece these shares were worth £96. He sold, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> +through the carelessness of his servant became a rich +man. This is luck, if you like.</p> + +<p>The late Edmond About, the famous French novelist, +came out first of the Normale Supérieure School. As +such he was entitled to be sent to the French school at +Athens for two years before being appointed professor +in some French Faculty. About had a humorous turn +of mind. Instead of studying ancient Greece at Athens, +he studied the modern Greeks. After his two years he +returned with the manuscripts of two books, 'Contemporary +Greece' and 'The Mountain King,' which +were such successes that he immediately resigned his +professorship to devote his time to literature. If, +instead of coming out first, he had come out second, he +would never have been sent to Athens, and About +would probably have spent his life as a learned Professor +of Greek or Latin at one of our Universities.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2> + +<h3>WE NEEDN'T GET OLD</h3> + + +<p>'When my next birthday comes,' once said to me +Oliver Wendell Holmes, 'I shall be eighty years young.' +And he looked it—young, cheerful, with a kind, merry +twinkle in his eyes.</p> + +<p>'And,' I said to him, 'to what in particular do you +attribute your youth? To good health and careful +living, I suppose?'</p> + +<p>'Well, yes,' he replied, 'to a certain extent, but +chiefly to a cheerful disposition and invariable contentment, +in every period of my life, with what I was. I +have never felt the pangs of ambition.'</p> + +<p>'You needn't,' I remarked. 'The most ambitious +man would have been content with being what you +have been—what you are.'</p> + +<p>'Happiness, which has contentment for its invariable +cause, is within the reach of practically everyone,' the +amiable doctor asserted. 'It is restlessness, ambition, +discontent, and disquietude that make us grow old prematurely +by carving wrinkles on our faces. Wrinkles +do not appear on faces that have constantly smiled.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> +Smiling is the best possible massage. Contentment is +the Fountain of Youth.'</p> + +<p>That same evening he was the guest at a banquet +given by a Boston club, to which I had been kindly +invited. When he rose to make a speech, they cheered +and applauded to the echo. His face was radiant, +beautiful. After he sat down, I said to him:</p> + +<p>'Are you not tired of cheers and applause, after all +these years of triumphs?'</p> + +<p>'No,' he replied; 'they never cheer loud enough, they +never applaud long enough to please me.'</p> + +<p>Oliver Wendell Holmes was right; he had found the +key to happiness.</p> + +<p>The philosophers of all ages have deservedly condemned +that universal discontent and disquietude which +runs through every rank of society and degree of life as +one of the bitterest reproaches of human nature, as +well as the highest affront to the Divine Author +of it.</p> + +<p>If we look through the whole creation, and remark +the progressive scale of beings as they rise into perfection, +we shall perceive, to our own shame, that every one +seems satisfied with that share of life that has been +allotted to it, man alone excepted. He is pleased with +nothing, perpetually repining at the decrees of Providence, +and refusing to enjoy what he has, from a +ridiculous and never-ceasing desire for what he has not.</p> + +<p>He is ambitious, restless, and unhappy, and instead +of dying young at eighty, dies old at forty. He misses<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> +happiness which is close at hand all his lifetime. The +object which is at a distance from him is always the +most inviting, and that possession the most valuable +which he cannot acquire. With the ideas of affluence +and grandeur he is apt to associate those of joy, +pleasure, and happiness.</p> + +<p>Because riches and power may conduce to happiness, +he hastily concludes that they must do so. Alas! +pomp, splendour, and magnificence, which attend the +great, are visible to every eye, while the sorrows which +they feel escape our observation. Hence it arises that +almost every condition and circumstance of life is considered +preferable to our own, that we so often court +ruin and do our very best to be unhappy.</p> + +<p>We complain when we ought to be thankful; we +weep when we ought to rejoice; we fidget and fret. +Instead of smiling, which keeps the cheeks stretched +and smooth, we frown, which keeps them contracted +and engraves wrinkles on them.</p> + +<p>Instead of looking at the rosy side of things, which +makes the eyes clear and bright, we run after the +impossible or the unlikely to happen, which makes us +look gloomy. In short, I may say that old age is of +our own make, for youth is placed at our disposal for +ever and ever.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2> + +<h3>THE SECRET OF OLD AGE</h3> + + +<p>The organs of man are like the works of a clock. If +they are not used, they rust; and when, after a period +of rest, it is attempted to set them in motion again, the +chances are that the human machine will work badly, or +not at all.</p> + +<p>Therefore, wind up your clock always and regularly, +and it will keep going. This does not apply only to +your bodily clock, but to your mental one as well.</p> + +<p>Persons who work regularly, and, above all, in +moderation, especially those who maintain the activity +of their physical and mental faculties, live longer than +those who abandon active life at the approach of +old age.</p> + +<p>Do not stop taking bodily exercise. Go on having +your walk and your ride; go on working steadily; go +on even having your little smoke, if you have always +been used to it, without ever abusing it—in fact, if your +constitution is good, forget that you are advancing in +age; go on living exactly as you have always lived, only +doing everything in more and more moderation. Busy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> +people live much longer than idle ones. Sovereigns +who lead a very active life live long.</p> + +<p>See the Pope! Moltke, Bismarck, Disraeli, Carlyle, +Victor Hugo, Gladstone, Ruskin, Littré, Darwin, De +Lesseps, Renan, Pasteur—all great workers—died nearly +eighty or over eighty years of age.</p> + +<p>It is not work, but overwork, that may kill; it is not +smoking, but inveterate smoking, that hurts; it is not +a little drinking that does any harm, but too much +indulgence in drink which kills.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, who died only a short +time ago, was writing brilliant articles for the New +York <i>American</i> only a few days before her death; +maybe, she was writing one an hour before it.</p> + +<p>Her death at the age of eighty-seven may furnish a +moral lesson to those who desire a long life. She +died in complete possession of her mental and physical +faculties.</p> + +<p>At eighty-five, Gladstone was felling trees in his +garden and writing articles on Homer and theology +as a rest from his political labours. At eighty-two, +De Lesseps was riding three hours every day in the +Bois de Boulogne. At ninety-eight, Sidney Cooper was +exhibiting pictures at the Royal Academy.</p> + +<p>Yes, so long as the human machine is kept well oiled +and regularly wound up, it goes; and not only do active +bodies and minds who go on working live long, but they +live happily and die peacefully, and they also make +happy all those who live with them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p> + +<p>It was a lovely sight to see De Lesseps ride and drive +with a troop of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. +The youngest and most boisterous member of the party +was the old gentleman, and all that band of joyous +youngsters adored him.</p> + +<p>The man of healthy body and active mind, who +abandons work at fifty, even at sixty, prepares himself +for a life of mere vegetation.</p> + +<p>Let him stop remunerative work, if he does not find +it congenial, and has enough or more than he wants to +live upon, but let him immediately trace out for himself +a programme of life that will enable him to keep his +body and mind active, or let him look out for dyspepsia, +gout, rheumatism, paralysis, stiffness of the joints, and +the gradual loss of his mental faculties.</p> + +<p>'I am sorry to be getting an old man,' once remarked +Ferdinand de Lesseps, 'but what consoles me is the +thought that there is no other way of living a long +time.'</p> + +<p>It is activity, it is work, that keeps you young, +healthy, cheerful, and happy; it is work—thrice +blessed work—that makes you feel that you are not a +useless piece of furniture in this world, and makes you +die with a smile on your face. Work, work again, work +always!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2> + +<h3>ADVICE ON LETTER-POSTING</h3> + + +<p>1. When you go out with the intention of posting a +letter, be sure you do not put it in your pocket, or the +odds are ten to one that you will return home with it.</p> + +<p>2. Always address the envelope before you write a +letter.</p> + +<p>3. If you write love-letters to two different women, +be careful to enclose the first one in its properly +addressed envelope before you begin writing the second +one, or Maria may receive the letter intended for Eliza, +and <i>vice versâ</i>.</p> + +<p>4. Do not apologize in your postscript for having +forgotten to stamp your letter. It might get you +found out.</p> + +<p>5. If you have written an important letter, or one +containing money, put it in the letter-box yourself. If +anything wrong happens to it, you will have no one to +accuse or suspect.</p> + +<p>6. When you send currency by post, do not let anyone +know it by having the letter registered. Money +stolen through the post has always been abstracted +from registered letters. I have never heard of one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> +letter of mine not being delivered in Europe and in +America. People never take their chance. They never +open a letter unless they know there is money in it. +How can they know if you are careful in concealing +paper money under cover? Never label your letters, +'There is money in it.'</p> + +<p>7. If you post a letter, which you do not want anybody +to read except the person to whom it is addressed, +do not forget to write your name and address on the back +of the envelope, so that, if not delivered, or mislaid, it +may be returned to you unopened.</p> + +<p>8. If you want an important letter to be delivered in +New York at a determined time, take my advice: Post +that letter, in the city, twenty-four hours before the +said determined time.</p> + +<p>9. Never, or very seldom, in some exceptional cases, +answer a letter by return post, even if the request be +made. Always take twenty-four hours for consideration. +Besides, it will give you the appearance of being a very +busy man, which is always a splendid advertisement.</p> + +<p>10. When you enclose a bill or a cheque in a letter, +pin it to the letter, that it may not drop when the +envelope is opened, and before posting it feel the letter-box +inside to see that it is not choked.</p> + +<p>11. If you write a letter of a private nature—words +of love that you would be sorry for everyone to read +except the lady you are addressing, put a blank sheet +of notepaper around the letter. Most envelopes are +transparent, and may disclose your secrets.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span></p> + +<p>12. Always read twice the address you have written +on your envelopes. Apply the same process to your +letters; your time will not be wasted.</p> + +<p>13. When you write to a friend, do not inquire about +his health and that of his family after your signature. +It would look like an afterthought.</p> + +<p>14. Ladies, whose minds are full of afterthoughts, +generally write the most important part of their letters +in the postscript. I once received a letter, in a woman's +handwriting, the signature of which was unknown to +me. At the end of sixteen pages of pretty prattle +there was a postscript: 'You will see by my new signature +that I am married.'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER X</h2> + +<h3>ON PARASITES</h3> + + +<p>Steer clear once for all of useless people and parasites +of all sorts—bores, who make you waste your time; +indelicate people, who borrow money when they do not +know whether they will be able to return it; swindlers, +who know perfectly well they will never pay you back +a penny. Elbow your way out of all those frauds—poseurs, +spongers, leeches, fleas, and bugs—who try to +fasten themselves to you.</p> + +<p>Be generous, and help a friend in need; devote a +reasonable portion of your income to the hospitals, +charitable institutions, and the sufferers from public +calamities; after that, attend to yourself and to all +those who live around you and depend on you for their +comfort and happiness.</p> + +<p>Bang your door in the face of people who, in your +hour of success, come to treat you with a few patronizing +sneers in order to take down your pride. Kick down +your stairs, even if you live on the tenth floor, the man +with an alcoholic breath who calls to tell you that, as +you are a fortunate man, it is your duty, and should be +your pleasure, to help those who have no luck.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span></p> + +<p>Life is too short to allow you to play the part of a +friend to the whole human race. Concern yourself +about interesting and deserving people; cultivate the +friendship of pleasant men and women, who brighten +up your life, and that of useful ones, who may occasionally +give you the lift you deserve. Attend to your +business; carefully watch over the interests of those +who have a right to expect you to keep them in comfort, +and dismiss the rest, even from your thoughts.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2> + +<h3>ADVICE-GIVING</h3> + + +<p>Advice is a piece of luxury thoroughly enjoyed by the +one who gives it. If you want to be popular with your +friends, do them all the good turns you can. Lend them +your money if you have a surplus to spare, and which +you can comfortably make up your mind to the loss of, +but give them advice when they ask you for it.</p> + +<p>People who are lavish of advice are seldom guilty of +any other act of generosity. If, however, you cannot +resist the temptation of advice-giving, be sure, at least, +that you give it in time. People who keep on saying +to their friends, 'I told you so,' are the most aggravating +bores in the world.</p> + +<p>If a little boy wants to venture on a dangerous piece +of ice, give him a warning and advise him not to go, +but if he disregards your advice and falls into a hole, +rescue him and wait until he is quite well again before +you say to him, 'I told you so.'</p> + +<p>Of all your best friends, your wife is the last person +to whom you should say, 'I told you so.' These four +words have killed happiness in matrimonial life more +than any number of blasphemous words put together.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p> + +<p>A wife forgives a few hot words uttered in moments +of bad temper or passion, but there is something cold, +sneering, provoking, blighting, assertive, presumptive in +'I told you so,' which gives you an unbearable air of +superiority and self-satisfaction.</p> + +<p>When you are already upset, dissatisfied with yourself, +ready to take your revenge out of anyone who +takes advantage of your awkward and unenviable +position, 'I told you so' is the drop that causes the cup +to overflow.</p> + +<p>The amateur advice-giver is a nuisance, a fidget, a +kill-joy, and an unmitigated bore. Men avoid him, +women despise him, and children mind him until he is +out of sight. To the latter he sets up as a model, and +always begins his admonitions with the inevitable +'When I was a boy.' Then they know what is coming, +and giggle—when they do not wink.</p> + +<p>Advice given by old folks to children sows as much +valuable seed as do sermons on congregations, with this +difference to the advantage of congregations, that they +can close their eyes during a sermon in order to take it +in better, whereas children cannot do the same for fear +of being called rude and of being punished for it.</p> + +<p>Among other advice-givers whom I have in my mind's +eye, I remember the one who calls on me the day after I +have given a lecture in order to make suggestions which +'I might use with advantage the next time I give this +lecture.' Also the one who calls to advise me to introduce +a 'reminiscence of his,' which I might use on the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> +platform to illustrate a point, and which 'reminiscence +of his' I have heard for twenty years and know to be +part of a classic on the subject.</p> + +<p>The chairman who, before I go on the platform, +advises me how to use my voice in order to be well heard +by all the members of the audience, a piece of advice +which I thoroughly appreciate, as I have lectured only +3,000 times—well, over 2,500 times, to be perfectly +exact.</p> + +<p>I even remember one who criticised my pronunciation +of a French word in my lecture, and suggested his as an +improvement.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2> + +<h3>ON HOLIDAYS</h3> + + +<p>Holidays are an institution established to keep you +reminded every year that one is really happy and comfortable +at home only. Oh! the board and lodging, +advertised comfortable and moderate, which you leave +with pleasure because the board was the bed! Oh! the +little house with creepers from which you 'flee' because +you discover that the creepers are inside! And the +sofas and chairs stuffed with the pebbles from the beach, +and the bad cooking, and the smiles of the head waiter, +of the waiters, of the chambermaid, of the hall porter, +of the baggage porter, all of whom have to be tipped! +And the extras on the bill! How you rub your hands +with delight when at last you are in the train on the +way to that dear home of yours, where you are going +to sleep in your lovely bed, sit on your comfortable +chairs, stretch on your soft sofa, eat the appetizing, +simple, and healthy meals of your good cook, where, on +a rainy day, you will go and take down a favourite +book from the shelves of your library; where you are +going to be all the time surrounded by your own dear +belongings, able to look at your pictures, at your china;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> +where you are going to put again in their usual places +the photographs of all your friends; in fact, where you +are going to live once more, after an interval necessary +to your health, perhaps, through the rest from work +and the change of air it has afforded you, but for all +that an interval, nothing but an interval in life.</p> + +<p>The only enjoyable holidays that I know are either +those spent in a house of your own which you may +possess in the country or by the sea, or those spent in +travelling, making the acquaintance of new, interesting +and picturesque countries; but these holidays are only +within the reach of the privileged few.</p> + +<p>Very often loving couples, fearing they should get too +much accustomed to each other, part for a few days, +just for the sake, epicures that they are, of experiencing +the ineffable joy of meeting again and of proving to +themselves that each one is absolutely indispensable to +the other—a fact which, although they may be well +aware of it, is always pleasant to be reminded of. The +holidays are to the home what the parting for a few +days is to the loving couples—a reminder of the priceless +treasure which you possess, and which you do not +always sufficiently appreciate.</p> + +<p>Think of your children, too, especially of those +young boys who are boarders at school or college and +can only know the joys of home life during their +holidays. How they would prefer going to their own +homes, playing with their own things, looking after +their animals, to being trotted out and taken to a hotel<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span> +where children are not tolerated to do this or allowed +to do that! When parents live in a house of their own, +and in the country, it is absolutely wicked of them not +to let their children enjoy their holidays at home. +They should remember that if their children at school +long for holidays, it is not because they are tired of +their work, it is because they are homesick.</p> + +<p>And young people just married always think that +the best way of beginning the matrimonial journey +is to have a holiday and travel, although, maybe, the +thoughtful bridegroom has prepared a delightful nest +for his bride.</p> + +<p>'Where should I spend my honeymoon?' I have often +been asked by young men not rich enough to go and +spend it in the expensive resorts. I have invariably +answered, 'Go home and spend it there, you idiot.'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2> + +<h3>EXTRACTS FROM THE DICTIONARY OF A CYNIC</h3> + +<h3>(<i>After Jules Noriac</i>)</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Alabaster</span>—Kind of beautiful white marble, so much +used in novels for ladies' necks and shoulders that very +little is left for ordinary consumption. Very rare now +in the trade, still very common in poetry.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Alibi</span>—An aunt for wives; the club for husbands.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Ardour</span>—Heat, extreme and dangerous. Those who +gamble with ardour ruin their families; those who work +with ardour ruin their health; those who study with +ardour go to a lunatic asylum; those who love with +ardour get cured more quickly than others.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Argus</span>—Domestic spy. Juno gave him a cow to +look after. With his hundred eyes he did not find out +that the cow was no other than a woman, Io.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Attraction</span>—Force which tends to draw bodies to +each other. Isaac Newton thought he had discovered +the principle of universal attraction when he watched +an apple fall. Eve had discovered it five thousand +years earlier.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Austerity</span>—Self-control which enables a man or a +woman to receive a call from Cupid without inviting him +to stay to dinner.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Boudoir</span>—From the French <i>bouder</i> (to sulk). Coquettish +little room where women retire when they have +a love-letter to write or any other reason for wishing +to be left alone.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Candour</span>—A virtue practised by women who do not +understand what they know perfectly well.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Collection</span>—Hobby. Men collect flies, beetles, +butterflies. Women collect faded flowers, hair, letters, +and photographs.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duenna</span>—Old woman who watches over the good +conduct of young Spanish girls and of married women. +In the second case, her wages are higher.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Egotism</span>—Piece of ground on which Love builds his +cottage.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Love</span>—A disease which mankind escapes with still +more difficulty than the measles. It generally attacks +men at twenty and women at eighteen. Then it is not +dangerous. At thirty you are properly inoculated; it +is, as it were, part of your system. At forty it is a +habit. After sixty the disease is incurable.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Love</span>—Active verb—very active—the most active +of all.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mystery</span>—The principal food of love. This is +probably why elevated souls have raised love to the +level of religion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Nest</span>—Sweet abode made for two. He brings soft<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> +moss, she a few bits of grass and straw; then both give +the finishing touch by bringing flowers.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Passion</span>—Violent affection that always finishes on a +cross.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Platonic (love)</span>—A kind of love invented by Plato, +a philosopher who sat down at table only to sleep. +Advice: If ever Platonic love knocks at your door, kick +him down your stairs unmercifully, for he is a prince of +humbugs.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Resolution</span>—A pill that you take every night before +going to bed, and which seldom produces any effect.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Respect</span>—A dish of which women are particularly +fond in public, and which they seldom appreciate in +private. How many women would be happier if their +husbands respected them less and loved them more!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Servitude</span>—Most bitter and humiliating state when +it is forced upon us by poverty; most sweet when it is +imposed on a man by the woman whom he loves.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Tact</span>—The quality that, perhaps, of all, women +admire most in men. The next is discretion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Veil</span>—Piece of lace which women put over their faces +to excite the curiosity of the passers-by. Women get +married with a white veil, but they always flirt with a +black one.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2> + +<h3>VARIOUS CRITICISMS ON CREATION</h3> + + +<p>I shall never forget the dry way and pitiful manner in +which Robert Louis Stevenson passed a funeral oration +on Matthew Arnold. It was on a Sunday evening, in +the early spring of 1888, at a reception given at the +house of Edmund Clarence Stedman, whose poetry and +scholarly attainments excite as much admiration as +his warm heart excites love in those who, like myself, +can boast of his friendship. Someone entered and +created consternation by announcing that a cablegram +had just reached New York with the news that Matthew +Arnold was dead. 'Poor Matthew!' said Stevenson, +lifting his eyes with an air of deep compassion; 'heaven +won't please him!'</p> + +<p>And it is true that on many occasions that great +English writer had hinted that if the work of the +Creation had been given to him to undertake, it would +have proved more successful than it has been. For +that matter, many philosophers of a more or less +cynical turn of mind have criticised the work of Creation.</p> + +<p>Voltaire said that if he had been Jehovah 'he would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> +not have chosen the Jews.' My late friend, Colonel +Robert G. Ingersoll, a Voltairian to the core, said that +if he had been consulted 'he would have made health, +not disease, catching.' Ninon de Lenclos, the veriest +woman that ever lived, said that, had she been invited +to give an opinion, 'she would have suggested that +women's wrinkles be placed under their feet.'</p> + +<p>'Everything is for the best in the best of worlds!' +exclaims Dr. Pangloss in Voltaire's famous novel, +'Candide,' but few people are as satisfied with the +world as that amiable philosopher. There are people +who are even dissatisfied with our anatomy, and who +declare that man's leg would be much safer and would +run much less risk of being broken if the calf had been +placed in front of it instead of behind. Some go as +far as to say that man is the worst handicapped animal +of creation—that he should have been made as strong as +the horse, able to run like the stag, to fly like the lark, +to swim and dive like the fish, to have a keen sense of +smell like the dog, and one of sight like the eagle. Not +only that, but that man is the most stupid of all, the +most cruel, the most inconsistent, the most ungrateful, +the most rapacious, the only animal who does not know +when he has had enough to eat and to drink, the only +one who kills the fellow-members of his species, the +only one who is not always a good husband and a good +father.</p> + +<p>'Man, the masterpiece of creation, the king of the +universe!' they exclaim. 'Nonsense!' There is hardly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> +an animal that he dares look straight in the face and +fight. No; he hides behind a rock, and, with an +engine of destruction, he kills at a distance animals +who have no other means of defence than those given +them by nature, the coward!</p> + +<p>There is not the slightest doubt that the genius of +man has to reveal itself in the discovery of all that may +remedy the disadvantages under which he finds himself +placed. Boats, railways, automobiles, balloons, steam, +electricity, and what not, have been invented, and are +used to cover his deficiencies. Poor man! he has to +resort to artificial means in every phase of life. Even +clothes he has to wear, as his body has not been provided +with either fur or feathers.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2> + +<h3>THE HUMOURS OF THE INCOME-TAX</h3> + +<h3>(A WARNING)</h3> + + +<p>I have often heard Americans say that the future may +keep in store for them the paying of income-tax, and, +as a warning to them, I should like to let them know +how this tax is levied in England.</p> + +<p>In theory the income-tax is the most just of taxes, +since it compels, or seems to compel, the people to contribute +to the maintenance of their country in proportion +to the income they possess. In reality this tax, +levied as it is in England, is little less than the revival +of the Inquisition.</p> + +<p>And, first of all, let me point out a great injustice, +which I trust no Government will ever inflict on the +American people or any other, and which is this: The income +derived from property inherited, or any other which +the idlest man may enjoy without having to work for +it, is taxed exactly the same as the income which is +derived from work in business, profession, or any other +calling.</p> + +<p>I maintain that if I have a private income of, say, +£2,000, and my work brings me in another £2,000, the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> +first income ought to be taxed much more heavily than +the second.</p> + +<p>I maintain that if a man enjoys a private income, +and does no work for the community in return for the +privilege of the wealth he possesses, he ought to pay a +larger percentage than the man who has to work for +every shilling which he amasses during the year.</p> + +<p>But this is discussing, and in this article I only wish +to show how the free-born Briton is treated in the +matter of income-tax.</p> + +<p>A fact not altogether free from humour is that the +salary of the English tax-collector is a percentage of +what he can extract from the tax-payer.</p> + +<p>He asks you to send him the amount of your income, +and warns you that you will have to pay a penalty of +£50 if you send him a false return. I have it on the +authority of Mr. W. S. Gilbert that every Englishman +sends a false return and cheats his Government; but +now a good many men, I am sure, cannot cheat the +Government—those, for example, in receipt of a salary +from an official post, and many others whose incomes it +is easy to find out.</p> + +<p>Of course, some cannot be found out; so that those +who cannot conceal their real and whole income have +got to pay for those who can.</p> + +<p>A merchant sends his return, and values it at +£10,000. The collector says to him, if he chooses to +do so: 'Your return cannot be right. I will charge +you on £20,000. Of course, you can appeal.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span></p> + +<p>The merchant is obliged to lose a whole day to +attend the Court of Appeal, taking all his books with +him, in order to prove that the return he sent is +exact.</p> + +<p>Very often he pays double what he owes, so as not to +have to let everybody know that his business is not as +flourishing as people think. But the most amusing side +of the whole thing is yet to be told.</p> + +<p>If you sell meat in one shop and groceries in another, +and you make £5,000 in the first shop and lose £3,000 +in the second, you must not suppose that you will be +charged on £2,000, the difference between your profit +in the first business and the loss in the second. Not a +bit of it. The two businesses being distinct, you will +have to pay on the £5,000 profit made in the first, and +bear your loss in the other as best you can.</p> + +<p>As an illustration, I will give you a somewhat piquant +reminiscence. Many years ago I undertook to give +lectures in England under my own management. My +manager proved to be an incompetent idiot, and I lost +money.</p> + +<p>When I declared my yearly income, I said to the +income-tax collector: 'My books brought me an income +of so much, but I lost so much on my lecture +tour; my income is the difference—that is, so much.'</p> + +<p>'No,' he said; 'your books and your lectures are two +perfectly different things, and I must charge you on the +whole income you derived from the sale of your books.'</p> + +<p>Then I was struck with a luminous idea, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> +proved to me that I was better fitted to deal with the +English tax-collector than to manage a lecture tour.</p> + +<p>'The two things are not at all distinct,' I replied; +'they are one and the same thing. I gave lectures for +the sole purpose of keeping my name before the public +and pushing the sale of my books.'</p> + +<p>'Ah!' he exclaimed, 'you are right. In that case +you are entitled to deduct your loss from the profit.'</p> + +<p>And this is how I got out of the difficulty—a little +incident which has made me proud of my business +abilities ever since.</p> + +<p>I was in America last season to give lectures. Instead +of lecturing, I had to be in bed and in convalescence +for a month, then undergo an operation and stay in the +hospital for six weeks.</p> + +<p>You may imagine the fine income I derived from my +last American tour. On my return to Europe, I passed +through London, and stopped there a week before +coming to Paris.</p> + +<p>I found awaiting me a bill for about £54, a percentage +on 'my profit of £1,000 realized in America.' +Now, this was adding insult to injury. I have the greatest +respect for H.M. Edward VII., but I regret that his +officials should have resorted to such means to defray +the expenses of his Coronation.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2> + +<h3>HOW TO BE ENTERTAINING</h3> + + +<p>To know how to entertain people is a talent; but there +is one better, and which makes you still more popular +with your friends and acquaintances—it is that talent +which consists in drawing them out and allowing them +to entertain you.</p> + +<p>I know very clever people, not exactly conceited or +assertive, but who have the objectionable knack of +gently sitting upon you. Their opinions are given with +an <i>ex cathedra</i> air that seems to exclude any appeal +against them.</p> + +<p>Sometimes they tell anecdotes very well, and they +give you strings of them, each one bridged over to the +other by a 'That reminds me.' They laugh at their +anecdotes heartily, and invite you to do so with such a +suggestion as 'That's a good one, isn't it?'</p> + +<p>You do laugh, and you hope for your reward, that +you will be able to tell a little anecdote yourself. +Sometimes they will cut you short and go on with +another; sometimes they will give you a chance, show +little signs of impatience while you give it, and never +laugh when you have finished.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p> + +<p>Worse than that, they will occasionally say: 'Oh +yes,' on the tune of 'I have heard that one before,' or, +maybe, 'Why, I am the inventor of it myself.' I have +known such clever people and good anecdote tellers to +prove terrific bores.</p> + +<p>Whether you are discussing a question or merely +spending a little time telling stories over a cup of coffee +and a couple of cigarettes, you like to be allowed to +prove alive, and the really entertaining people are +those who know how to make you enjoy yourself as well +as their company.</p> + +<p>You are grateful to those friends who give you a +chance of shining yourself, and there are some who +know not only how to draw you out, but who +know how to do it to the extent of making you +brilliant.</p> + +<p>Those who make you feel like an idiot are no better +than those who take you for one. Although they do not +do it on purpose, the result is exactly the same as if +they did. You find that kind of man in every walk of +life.</p> + +<p>There is the savant who pours forth science by the +gallon and talks you deaf, dumb, and lame. There is +the other kind also. I once spent an hour talking on +philology with the greatest professor of the College of +France in Paris.</p> + +<p>I know a little philology, but my knowledge of that +science compared to his is about in the proportion of +the length of my little finger to that of his whole<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span> +body, and he is over six feet. He put me so much at +my ease; he so many times asked me 'if I didn't +think that it was so,' that for the time being I really felt I +was something of a philologist myself. It was only after +I had left him that I realized that I had learned a great +deal from the famous master.</p> + +<p>The nice people of the world are those who make you +feel satisfied with yourself. All the talkers, advice-givers, +assertive critics put together are not worth for +your good a considerate friend who gives you a little +praise, or a good, loving woman who, two or three times +a day, gives you a teaspoonful of admiration.</p> + +<p>After all, the greatest reward for our humblest efforts +is appreciation, the greatest incentive is encouragement. +What makes us powerless to achieve anything are the +sneers of all the wet-blankets and kill-joys of this +world.</p> + +<p>You do not make a child get on at school by calling +him a little idiot and telling him he will never do anything +in his life; you do not impart bravery into the +heart of a timid soldier by treating him as if he were +a coward.</p> + +<p>If a horse is afraid of anything lying on the road, +don't whip him, don't use the spurs; pat him gently on +the neck and lead him near the object to make him +acquainted with it. Like that you will cure him of his +shyness.</p> + +<p>Help men with encouragement, praise, and admiration.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVII</h2> + +<h3>WHAT IS GENIUS?</h3> + + +<p>Genius is a form of madness. Early in the Christian +era, St. Augustine declared that there was no genius +without a touch of insanity. The human being who +is born without a grain of folly will never be a great +poet, a great novelist, a great painter or sculptor, a +great musician, or a great anything.</p> + +<p>Unless you are erratic, irritable, full of fads, you need +not aspire to attain sublime heights. Homer, Shakespeare, +Raphael, Shelley, Wagner were lunatics. That +is why, to my mind, nothing is more absurd, preposterous, +than to go and poke one's nose into the +private life of geniuses. Let us admire the work that +their genius has left to us, without inquiring whether +they regularly came home to tea, and were attentive +fathers and faithful husbands. Do we not love Burns +and Shelley?</p> + +<p>Certainly, if I had lived in their times and had a +marriageable daughter, I would have been careful to +see that she did not fall in love with either of them; +but what has that to do with their poetry and the +enjoyment of it?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span></p> + +<p>To this very day, in the autumn of my life, I enjoy +the fables of dear old La Fontaine, and can't help +smiling when I am reminded that he was married, but +that he was separated from his wife. She lived in Lyons +and he in Paris. One day they persuaded him to go to +Lyons and 'make it up' with her.</p> + +<p>He started. In those days the journey took five days +and five nights. On the eleventh day after his departure +he was back in Paris. 'Well,' they said to +him, 'is it all right?'</p> + +<p>'I could not see her,' replied he, 'when I called at +her house. They told me that she had gone to Mass.' +So he came back.</p> + +<p>I once criticised the acting of a well-known actress +before good folks, who said to me: 'Ah, but she is a +woman who leads an irreproachable life!' What do I +care about that? I am very glad to hear it, for the +sake of her husband and children; but I would rather +go and hear Miss So-and-so, who stirs my soul to its +very depth by her genius, although I am told, by +jealous people, no doubt, that she is not quite as good +as she should be.</p> + +<p>I hear that Sarah Bernhardt travels with either a +lion, a bear, or a snake. Very well, that is her business. +She goes to a hotel with her menagerie, and does not +ask you to invite her to stay with you. Is that a +reason for not going to see her play Phedre, Tosca, +Fedora, or any other of her marvellous creations?</p> + +<p>Wagner could not compose his operas unless he had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> +on a red plush robe and a helmet. What do I care if +this enabled him to write 'Lohengrin,' 'Tannhäuser,' +and the Trilogy?</p> + +<p>One day Alexandre Dumas, a lunatic of the purest +water, called on Wagner. The latter kept him waiting +half an hour. Then he appeared dressed as Wotan. +'Excuse me, Master,' he said to Dumas, 'I am composing +a scene between the god and Brunnehilde.'</p> + +<p>'Don't mention it, please,' replied Dumas, who, before +leaving, invited him to come and see him in Paris. A +few months later Wagner called on Dumas. The latter +kept him waiting a little, and then appeared with +nothing on but a Roman helmet and a shield.</p> + +<p>'Excuse me, Maestro,' he said, 'I am writing a Roman +novel.' The two great geniuses or lunatics were quits.</p> + +<p>I knew a great poet who could no more write good +poetry than he could fly unless he had blue paper. +Victor Hugo would have been a failure if he had not +been able always to be provided with very thick pens.</p> + +<p>Balzac could write only on condition he was dressed +as a monk, had the shutters of the room closed, and the +lamps lighted. Alfred de Musset would compose his +immortal poetry only when under the influence of drink. +All lunatics, every one.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVIII</h2> + +<h3>NEW AND PIQUANT CRITICISM</h3> + + +<p>The Paris <i>Matin</i> has started a new kind of dramatic +criticism. The day after a play has been produced it +publishes a criticism of it by the author himself, or by +the manager of the theatre. This is as piquant as it is +novel, and if the French had the sense of humour as +keenly developed as the Americans, the result would be +highly diverting.</p> + +<p>Just imagine a play by Mark Twain reviewed and +criticised the following morning in a paper by Mr. +Samuel L. Clemens!</p> + +<p>Gentlemen of the American press, take the hint, if +you like.</p> + +<p>This new kind of criticism is only a few days old, but +the readers of the <i>Matin</i> have taken to it kindly +already. Two well-known men have inaugurated it. +They are Pierre Wolff, the dramatist, and Antoine, +the actor and proprietor-manager of the Antoine +Theatre. Both give a very flattering account of their +plays: how beautifully they were acted, how well they +were received, and, after giving a short synopsis of +them, wind up with heartfelt thanks to the actors and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> +actresses who appeared in them. Everybody is satisfied, +author, actors, managers, editor, who has attracted the +notice of the public, and the readers, who are amused +at the new idea, and do not care a jot what critics say +of the plays which they review.</p> + +<p>Why should not books be reviewed in the same way? +Why should they not be reviewed and criticised by the +author or the publisher? I should prefer—by the +author.</p> + +<p>I have never read a notice of any of my books, however +favourable, which I did not think I could have +done better myself, if I had had to write it.</p> + +<p>Just imagine, if only for fun, a new novel (pronounced +'novell,' please) by Hall Caine reviewed by Mr. Hall +Caine; or one by Marie Corelli criticised by that +talented lady herself! I say, just think of it!</p> + +<p>We might have the good-fortune to read something +in the following style: 'A new novel by myself +is one of those literary events which keep the world +breathless, in awful silence, for a long time before it +comes to pass. The first edition of 100,000 copies was +exhausted a week before the book appeared, but a +second edition of the same number will be ready in a +day or two. The story is wonderful, colossal, like +everything that comes from the pen of that author, +whose genius is as Shakespearian as his brow, which +even reminds one of that of—but perhaps it would be +profane to name.'</p> + +<p>Or something interesting like this: 'His Majesty<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> +the King and most members of the Royal Family +ordered copies of this book long before it was ready for +publication, and no doubt to-day, and for many days +following, there will be no other topic of conversation +than my book at Windsor Castle. I should like to call +the attention of the reading public—and who is it that +does not read me?—to the fact that this is the longest +book I have yet published. The public will also, I am +sure, forgive me for calling it my best. A mother's +last baby is always, in her eyes, her best.'</p> + +<p>At all events, I salute the new criticism. It should +greatly add to the gaiety of nations.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIX</h2> + +<h3>ORIGINALITY IN LITERATURE</h3> + + +<p>There is very little originality in this world. Even +among the greatest thoughts expressed by famous +philosophers, there are very few that had not been +heard before in some form or other. It is the pithy +way in which they are expressed by such men as +La Rochefoucauld, La Bruyère, and Balzac that made +the reputation of these great writers. The characteristics +of man and woman have always existed, just +as has their anatomy, and the dissector of the human +heart cannot invent anything new any more than the +dissector of the human body. We all know these +characteristics, but what we like is to see a philosopher +present them to us in a new shape.</p> + +<p>Pascal says that the greatest compliment that can be +paid to a book, even to a thought, is the exclamation, +'I could have written that!' and 'I could have said +that!' In fact, the author whom we admire most is +the one who writes a book that we 'could' have written +ourselves. And we say 'bravo' when a philosopher +gives us a thought of our own, only better expressed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> +than we could have done it, or when he confirms an +opinion that we already held ourselves.</p> + +<p>No; there is nothing original, not even the stories +that we hear and tell in our clubs. They have been +told before. I forget who said that there were only +thirty-five anecdotes in the world, seventeen of which +were unfit for ladies' ears.</p> + +<p>Even the characters of fiction are not original. The +novelist is, as a rule, none but a portrait painter, possessed +of more or less originality and talent. Charles +Dickens said that there was not a single personage of +his novels whom he had not drawn from life. Thackeray +and Balzac, two observers of mankind of marvellous +ability, said the same. Racine borrowed of Sophocles +and Euripides, Molière of Plautus and Terence. Alexandre +Dumas chose his heroes from history, and regifted +them with life with his unequalled imagination. +George Eliot's personality remained a mystery for a +long time, but everybody knew that the author of +'Scenes of Clerical Life' was a native of Nuneaton, +or had lived long enough in that town to introduce +local characters who were recognised at once. The +<i>Dame aux Camélias</i>, the Camille of the American +stage, by Dumas, junr., was inspired, if not suggested, +by <i>Manon Lescaut</i>. And is not the <i>Adam Bede</i> of +George Eliot a variation of Goethe's <i>Faust</i>? Is not +<i>Tess</i> of Thomas Hardy another? And that marvellous +hero Tartarin of Alphonse Daudet: do you +not recognise in him Don Quixote? More than that,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> +he is a double embodiment, Don Quixote and Sancho +Panza in one: the Don Quixote who dreams of adventures +with lions in the desert, of ascensions on Mont +Blanc, of guns, swords, and alpinstocks, and the Sancho +Panza who thinks of wool socks, flannel vests, and a +medicine-chest for the marvellous journeys that are +going to be undertaken—a tremendous creation, this +double personage, but not altogether original.</p> + +<p>Every character has been described in fiction, every +characteristic of mankind has been told; but we like to +see those characters described again with new surroundings; +we love to hear the philosophy of life told over +again in new, pleasant, pithy, witty sentences.</p> + +<p>This lack of originality in literature is so obvious, it +is so well acknowledged a fact that authors, novelists, +or philosophers have used mankind for their work, and +availed themselves of all that mankind has written or +said before, that the law does not allow the literary +man to own the work of his brain for ever and ever, as +he owns land or any other valuable possession. After +allowing him to derive a benefit for forty or fifty years, +his literary productions become common property—that +is to say, return to mankind to whom he owed so much +of them.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XX</h2> + +<h3>PLAGIARISM</h3> + + +<p>La Bruyère said: 'Women often love liberty only to +abuse it.' Two hundred years later Balzac wrote: +'There are women who crave for liberty in order to +make bad use of it.' The thoughts are not great, they +are not even true, but that is not the question. Could +such a genius as Balzac be accused of plagiarism because +he expressed a thought practically in the very words +of La Bruyère? I would as soon charge Balzac with +plagiarism as I would accuse a Vanderbilt or a Carnegie +of trying to cheat a street-car conductor out of a +penny fare. The heroines of <i>Tess</i> and <i>Adam Bede</i> +practically go through the same ordeals as Gretchen. +Would you seriously accuse Thomas Hardy and George +Eliot of plagiarism, and say that they owed their plots +to Goethe's '<i>Faust</i>'?</p> + +<p>There are people engaged in literary pursuits, or, +rather, in the literary trade, and, as a rule, not very +successful at that, who spend their leisure time in trying +to catch successful men in the act of committing +plagiarism. The moment they can discover in their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> +works a sentence that they can compare to a sentence +written by some other author, they put the two sentences +side by side and send them to the papers. There are +papers always ready to publish that sort of thing. Of +course, respectable papers throw those communications +into the waste-paper baskets. Then, when the papers +have published the would-be plagiarism, the perpetrator +marks it in blue pencil at the four corners and +sends it to the author—anonymously, of course. For +that matter, whenever there appears anything nasty +about a successful man in the papers—an adverse +criticism or a scurrilous paragraph—he never runs the +slightest risk of not seeing it; there are scores of +failures, of crabbed, jealous, penurious nobodies who +mail it to him. It does him no harm; but it does +them good.</p> + +<p>As far as I can recollect I have, during my twenty-one +years of literary life, committed plagiarism four +times: twice quite unintentionally, once through the +inadvertence of a compositor, and once absolutely out +of mere wickedness, just to draw out the plagiarism +hunter. And I will tell you how it happened. Once, +many years ago, I was reading a book on the French, +written by an American. A phrase struck me as expressing +a sentiment so true, so well observed, that +I memorized it, and, unfortunately, when, several years +later, I wrote a series of articles on France for a London +paper, I incorporated the phrase. I was not long in +being discovered. The author of the book, which had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> +never sold, wrote to all the papers that I had 'stolen +his book,' and thought the correspondence would start +a sale for his book. Of course I was guilty, and I +apologized, explaining how it had happened. For years +the phrase had been in my mind—had, as it were, become +part and parcel of myself. May this be a warning to +authors who may take too great a fancy to a thought +of theirs well expressed by some other author. It is +a very dangerous practice. Another time I incorporated +in a newspaper article a quotation from Emerson, but +the compositor omitted the inverted commas, and +Emerson's sentence read as if it was mine. Of course, +no one would accuse me of choosing Emerson to +plagiarize in America, but this article brought me +half a dozen anonymous letters. In one of them +there was this choice bit: 'The second half of the +article is by Emerson; the first half I don't know, +but probably not by the author.' Twenty centuries of +Christianity have caused Christians to love one another. +But when I really had a good time was when, deliberately, +as I said before, out of sheer wickedness, I introduced +into my text nine lines of Shakespeare.</p> + +<p>I have kept the newspapers that commented on it +and the anonymous letters that were mailed to me. +One of them had humour in it. 'My dear sir,' said +the writer, 'when you speak of an incident as being +a personal reminiscence, it is a mistake to borrow it +of an author so widely known for the last three centuries +as the late William Shakespeare.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p> + +<p>A celebrated literary friend of mine once amused +himself in incorporating twenty lines of Dickens as his +own in the midst of an essay he published in his own +paper.</p> + +<p>When he feels dull, he takes from his shelves a scrapbook +which contains the letters and newspaper cuttings +referring to the subject.</p> + +<p>When a literary man has a reputation of long standing, +never for a moment accuse him of plagiarism. He +may express a thought already expressed by someone +else; he may work out a plot which is not original; +but success that lasts rests on some personal merit. I +have never heard successful men charge any of their +brethren of the pen with plagiarism. Successful men +are charitable to their craft, as beautiful women are to +their sex.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXI</h2> + +<h3>AUTOBIOGRAPHIES AND REMINISCENCES</h3> + + +<p>The best writers of memoirs have been the French, and +it is through those memoirs that we know so well and +so intimately the reigns of Louis XIV., Louis XV., +and Napoleon I., as well as the history of the Revolution, +the Restoration, and the Second Empire.</p> + +<p>Courtiers, diplomatists, statesmen, and women of the +Court, by their memoirs and letters, have made us +acquainted not only with the public life of Sovereigns, +but with all the details of their private life, with all the +Court gossip.</p> + +<p>The French, however, care little or nothing for +memoirs that do not make clear to them some chapter +of history.</p> + +<p>The English, on the contrary, have practically no +memoirs of that sort. The only interesting ones that +I know are those of Greville. On the other hand, +almost every man of note, literary man, journalist, +artist, actor, publishes his autobiography or his +reminiscences.</p> + +<p>While the French only care for the work that a man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> +before the public has produced, the English like to +know how he lived, how he worked, whom he met, +whom he knew, and his appreciation of the character of +his more or less famous friends and acquaintances.</p> + +<p>Why, even the music-hall star publishes his reminiscences +in England. The fact is that, if a man keeps +his diary regularly, and knows how to tell an anecdote +well, he can always write a readable book of reminiscences.</p> + +<p>Among the best books of this sort that I know I +would mention those of the late Edmund Yates and +George Augustus Sala; but the best of all is the one +which I do hope will make its appearance one day +(although I am not aware that it is being prepared), +and will be signed by the wittiest raconteur and causeur +of England, Mr. Henry Labouchere.</p> + +<p>Try to get Mr. Labouchere in one corner of the +smoke-room in the House of Commons, give him a cup +of coffee and some good cigarettes, and just turn him +on; there is no better treat, no more intellectual feast +of mirth and humour and wit in store for you. His +style is the very one suited for a crisp, gossipy, brilliant +book of reminiscences.</p> + +<p>Among possible writers of interesting and piquant +memoirs or reminiscences I ought to mention Lady +Dorothy Nevil and Lady Jeune. Both ladies have +known in intimacy every celebrity you wish to name—Kings, +Queens, statesmen, generals, prelates, judges, +politicians, literary men, artists, lawyers, actors; there<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> +is not a man or woman of fame who has not supplied +an impression or an incident to them.</p> + +<p>And they are the very women to write memoirs, +both possessed of keen judgment and insight in human +nature, and of great literary ability, both delightful +conversationalists, always capable of drawing you out +and enabling you to do your best, and thus supplying +them with materials for notes and observations.</p> + +<p>I am not announcing any book, for neither of these +two ladies ever mentioned to me that she was preparing +a book of memoirs, but I wish they would, and I have +simply named them as being both capable of writing +books of unsurpassed interest.</p> + +<p>In order to write a good and trustworthy book of +reminiscences, you must, above all, be an observer and +a listener, besides a good story-teller. You must be +modest enough to know how to efface yourself, remain +hidden behind the scenes, and put all your personages +on the stage without hardly appearing yourself.</p> + +<p>You must be satisfied with sharing the honours of +the book with all your <i>dramatis personæ</i>, and not cause +the printing of the volume to be stopped for want of a +sufficient supply of 'I's' and 'me's.'</p> + +<p>I knew a famous actor whose reminiscences were +published some years ago by a literary man. Once I +congratulated that actor on the success of the book.</p> + +<p>'Yes,' he said, 'the book has done me good, because +X., you know, mentions my name once or twice in that +book.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p> + +<p>And many books of reminiscences that I know are +full of the sayings and doings of the author, with an +occasional mention of people of whom we should like to +hear a great deal.</p> + +<p>I have met these men in private, and sometimes found +them clever, and invariably fatiguing bores, and their +books are not more entertaining than their conversation. +Many of them reminded me of the first visit that +Diderot paid to Voltaire, on which occasion he talked +the great French wit deaf and dumb.</p> + +<p>'What do you think of Diderot?' asked a friend of +Voltaire a few days after that visit.</p> + +<p>'Well,' replied Voltaire, 'Diderot is a clever fellow, +but he has no talent for dialogue.'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXII</h2> + +<h3>THOUGHTS ON HATS</h3> + + +<p>The manly man wears his hat slightly inclined on the +right, naturally, without exaggeration, and without +swagger. The braggart wears his right on his ear. +Jolly fellows, destitute of manners, and drunkards, wear +theirs on the back of the head; when far gone, the brim +of the hat touches the neck.</p> + +<p>Hypocrites wear theirs over the eyes. Fops wear +their hats inclined on the left. Why? The reason is +simple. Of course, they know that the hat, if inclined, +should be on the right; but, unfortunately for them, +they look at themselves in the glass, where the hat +inclined on the left looks as if it were inclined on the +right. So they wear it on the left, and think they have +done the correct thing.</p> + +<p>The very proper man and the prig invariably wear +their hats perfectly straight. The scientific man and +all men of brains put their heads well inside their hats; +the more scientific the mind is, the deeper the head goes +inside the hat.</p> + +<p>Fools put on their hats with the help of both hands, +and simply lay them on the top of their heads. I suppose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> +they feel that hats are meant to cover the brain, +and they are satisfied, in their modesty and consciousness +of their value, with covering the small quantity +of brains given to them by Nature.</p> + +<p>The absent-minded man is recognised by his hat +brushed against the nap, the tidy man by his irreproachably +smooth hat, and the needy man by a greasy +hat.</p> + +<p>A shabby coat is not necessarily a sign that a man is +hard up. Many men get so fond of a coat that they +cannot make up their minds to part with it and discard +it; but shoes down at heel and a shabby, greasy hat +prove that their wearer is drowning: he is helpless and +hopeless.</p> + +<p>Only the well-off man, who serves nobody, wears a +white top-hat; this hat is the emblem of independence +and of success in life.</p> + +<p>Man's station in life is shown from the way he takes +off his hat. Kings and emperors just lift it off their +heads. A gentleman takes off his hat to whoever +salutes him. Once a beggar in Dublin saluted the +great Irish patriot, Daniel O'Connell. The latter returned +the salute by taking off his hat to the beggar.</p> + +<p>'How can you take off your hat to a beggar?' remarked +a friend who was with him. 'Because,' he +replied, 'I don't want that beggar to say that he is +more of a gentleman than I am.' Parvenus keep their +hats on always, unless before some aristocrat, to whom +they cringe.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p> + +<p>The Englishman takes off his hat with a stiff jerk +and puts it on again immediately. The Frenchman +takes it off gently, and, before a lady, remains uncovered +until she says to him: 'Couvrez-vous, monsieur, +je vous prie.'</p> + +<p>The Italian takes it off with ceremony, and with his +hand puts it nearly to the ground. Timid men keep +rolling their hats in their hands. Very religious ones +pray inside them, making a wry face, as if the emanations +were of an unpleasant character.</p> + +<p>Soldiers and horsemen fix their hats by pressing on +the top of the crown.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Men who belong to decent clubs and frequent 'at +homes' never need be in want of a good hat.</p> + +<p>In Paris, in London, and in New York during the +season no gentleman can wear anything but a silk hat +after lunch-time.</p> + +<p>When you pay calls, you must enter the drawing-room +with your hat in your hand and keep it all the +time, unless you are on very intimate terms with your +host and hostess, when you may leave it in the hall.</p> + +<p>A well-put-on hat is the proof of a well-balanced +mind.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIII</h2> + +<h3>THOUGHTS ON EYE-GLASSES</h3> + + +<p>The man who wears spectacles—I mean eye-glasses with +branches fixed behind the ears—is a serious man, a man +of science, a man of business—at all events, a man who +thinks of his comfort before he thinks of his appearance. +There is no nonsense, no frivolity about him, especially +if they are framed in gold. He is a steady man, somewhat +prosaic, and even matter-of-fact. If he is a young +man and wears them, you may conclude that he means +to succeed, and always look on the serious side of life. +He is no fop, no lady-killer, but a man whose affections +can be relied on, and who expects a woman to love him +for the qualities of his mind and the truthfulness of his +heart.</p> + +<p>Next to a solid gold watch and chain, a pair of gold +spectacles are the best testimony of respectability; then +comes a sound umbrella.</p> + +<p>The man who wears his eye-glasses halfway down his +nose is a shrewd man of business, who ever bears in mind +that time is money. Thus placed, his eye-glasses enable +him to read a letter of introduction, and, above them, +to read and observe the character of the person who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> +has presented it to him. Lawyers generally wear them +that way, and they seldom fail to have their bureau so +placed that they can have their backs to the window, +while their clients or callers are seated opposite in the +full light of the day.</p> + +<p>Old gentlemen wear their eye-glasses on the tip of +their noses when they read their newspaper, because it +enables them to recline in their arm-chairs and assume +a more comfortable position.</p> + +<p>The single eye-glass was originally worn by people +whose eyes were different, in order to remedy the defective +one. To-day it may be asserted that, out of a +hundred men who wear single eye-glasses, ninety-nine +see through—the other one. The single eye-glass is +tolerable in a man of a certain age who is both clever +and <i>distingué</i> looking. John Bright, with his fine +white mass of hair and intelligent, firm, yet kind expression, +looked beautiful with his eye-glass on. Lord +Beaconsfield also looked well with one. To Mr. +Joseph Chamberlain, with his turned-up nose and +sneering smile, and his jaw ever ready to snap, it adds +impudence.</p> + +<p>When a man looks silly, the single eye-glass finishes +him and makes him look like a drivelling idiot. If, +besides, he is very young, it gives you an irresistible +desire to smack his face or pull his nose.</p> + +<p>The single eye-glass originated in England, but it is +now worn in France quite as much, especially by young +dudes, who, lacking the manliness of young Englishmen,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> +look preposterously ridiculous with them on. I must +say, however, that great Frenchmen have worn single +eye-glasses, among them Alphonse Daudet, Aurélien +Scholl, President Felix Faure, Gaston Paris. Alfred +Capus, now our most popular dramatist, wears one; so +does Paul Bourget, but the latter is short-sighted on +the right side.</p> + +<p>No Royalty has ever been known to wear one, although +not long ago I saw a portrait of the Kaiser with a single +eye-glass.</p> + +<p>America is to be congratulated on the absence of +single eye-glasses. I may have seen one or two at the +horse-show in New York, but I should not like to swear +to it. An American dude, with his trousers turned up, +wearing a single eye-glass and sucking the top of his +stick, would be a sight for the gods to enjoy. I believe +that a single eye-glass, not only in Chicago or Kansas +City, but in Broadway, New York, and even in Boston, +would cause Americans, whose bump of veneration is +not highly developed, to pass remarks not of a particularly +favourable character on its wearer. In the West, +he might be tarred and feathered, if not lynched. One +way or the other, he would be a success there.</p> + +<p>But the most impudent, the most provoking single +eye-glass of all is the one which is worn, generally by +very young men, without strings. As they frown and +wink, and make the grimace unavoidable to the wearer +of that kind of apparel, they seem to say: 'See what +practice can do! I have no string, yet I am not at all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> +afraid of my glass falling from my eye.' Rich Annamites +grow their finger-nails eight and ten inches long, +to show you that they are aristocrats, and have never +used their hands for any kind of work. French and +English parasites advertise their uselessness by this +exhibition of the single eye-glass without string. And +with it on, they eat, talk, smoke, run, laugh, and sneeze—and +it sticks. Wonderful, simply wonderful! When +you can do that, you really are 'in it.'</p> + +<p>When you consider the progress that civilization is +making every day, the discoveries that are made, the +pluck and perseverance that are shown by the pioneers +of all science, by the princes of commerce, by the +explorers of new fields and pastures, in your gratitude +for all they have done and are still doing for the world, +you must not forget the well-groomed young man who +has succeeded in being able to wear a single eye-glass +without a string.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIV</h2> + +<h3>THOUGHTS ON UMBRELLAS</h3> + + +<p>Tell me how a man uses his umbrella, and I will tell +you his character.</p> + +<p>The Anglo-Saxon Puritan always carried his umbrella +open. If he rolled it, you might, at a distance, take +that umbrella for a stick, which, he thinks, would give +him a certain fast appearance. The miser does the +same, because an umbrella that is never rolled lasts +longer.</p> + +<p>The man who always takes an umbrella out with +him is a cautious individual, who never runs risks, and +abstains from speculation. He will probably die rich; +at all events, in cosy circumstances. On the contrary, +the man who always leaves his umbrella behind him is +generally one who makes no provision for the morrow. +That man is thoughtless, reckless, always late for the +train or an appointment, leaves the street-door open +when he comes home late at night, and is generally +unreliable.</p> + +<p>The man who is always losing his umbrella is an +unlucky dog, whose bills are protested, whose boots +split, whose gloves crack, whose buttons are always<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span> +coming off, who is always in trouble on account of one +thing or another.</p> + +<p>The man, who leaves a new umbrella in his club and +hopes to find it there the following day, is a simpleton +who deserves all the bad luck that pursues him through +life.</p> + +<p>The man who comes early to an 'at home' may not +show his eagerness to present his respects to a hostess +early so much as to aim at having a better chance to +choose a good umbrella.</p> + +<p>The man who is perpetually showing a nervous +anxiety about his umbrella, and wondering if it is safe, +is full of meanness and low suspicion. Let him be ever +so rich, if he asks your daughter in marriage, refuse her +to him. He will undoubtedly take more care of his +umbrella than of his wife.</p> + +<p>If you are fortunate enough to have your umbrella +when it rains, and you meet a friend who has left his +at home, and asks you to shelter him, try immediately +to meet another friend or acquaintance to whom you +will offer the same service. By so doing, you will be all +right in the middle, you will have your sides also well +protected, and, besides, you will have obliged two +friends instead of one.</p> + +<p>The possession of a well-regulated watch and a decent +umbrella is to a great degree a sign of respectability. +More watches and silk umbrellas are pawned than all +the other pieces of man's apparel put together.</p> + +<p>The man who carries a cotton umbrella is either a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> +philosopher, who defies the world and all its fashionable +conventions and prejudices, or an economist, who knows +that a cotton umbrella is cheaper than a silk one, and +lasts longer.</p> + +<p>The man who walks with short, jerky steps, and +never allows his umbrella to touch the ground, is +a very proper man, and not uncommonly a downright +hypocrite. On the other hand, the man who walks +with a firm, long step, swinging his body slightly +from right to left, and using his umbrella like a stick, +is generally a good, manly fellow.</p> + +<p>Once a man came to an afternoon 'at home,' and, +when ready to leave the house, could not find his +umbrella, a beautiful new one. He made somewhat +of a fuss in the hall. The master of the house came to +his rescue, and looked for the missing umbrella among +the scores that were there.</p> + +<p>'Are you sure you had an umbrella when you +came?'</p> + +<p>'Quite sure.'</p> + +<p>'Perhaps you left it at the other party, where you +went first.'</p> + +<p>'No, no; that's where I got it.'</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXV</h2> + +<h3>SOME AMERICAN TOPICS</h3> + + +<p>As I sit quietly thinking over my seventh visit to the +United States, some impressions take a definite shape. +I may here repeat a phrase which I used yesterday +while speaking to the representative of an English newspaper +who had called to interview me:</p> + +<p>'This last visit has left me more than ever impressed +with the colossal greatness of the American +people.'</p> + +<p>The progress they have made during the last five +years is perfectly astounding—progress in commerce +and industry, progress in art and science, progress in +architecture. The whole thing is simply amazing. And +the ingenuity displayed in the smallest things!</p> + +<p>Really, this morning I was pitying from the bottom +of my heart a poor English carman, who was emptying +sacks of coal into a hole made in the pavement, as in +New York, in front of a house.</p> + +<p>He had to go and fetch every sack of coal, put it on +his back, carry it with his bent body, and then aim at +the hole as best he could. In New York the cart is +lifted one side by means of a handle, an inclined tray is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span> +placed at the bottom of the cart, with its head over the +hole, and down goes the coal as the man looks at the +work done for him.</p> + +<p>It is in thousands of little things like this that you +understand how the American mind is constantly at +work. I do not know whether America makes more +inventions than other nations (I believe that France is +still leading), but there is no country where so many +inventions are perfected.</p> + +<p>In a great measure I attribute the commercial prosperity +of the Americans to the soundness and practicability +of their principles in the matter of the commercial +education of their youth. It is partly due to +the existence of the 'business college,' which has no +counterpart in England, but which is as great and +powerful an institution in the States as public schools +are in England. Until Europe has such colleges, she +will never breed leaders of commerce and industry as +they are bred in America.</p> + +<p>France possesses the best artisans in the world—glass-cutters, +cabinet-makers, book-binders, gardeners—simply +because boys of the working classes choose their +trade early, work long apprenticeships, and study.</p> + +<p>The English boy of these classes becomes a plumber +at thirteen, then he tries everything afterward. He is +in turn a mason, a gardener, anything you like 'for a +job.' In America it is the mind of boys which is prepared +for commerce in the business colleges. At twenty +they are practical men.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p> + +<p>Of course, my mind is full of trusts. Is it possible +that in a few years all the great industries of America—its +mines, its railroads, its telegraphic and telephonic +systems, its land, its land produce—will all be amalgamated +and transformed into trusts?</p> + +<p>I am not inclined to look on this great system of +trusts in too pessimistic a fashion. In my view, they +may eventually lead to the nationalization of those +gigantic enterprises, and in this way bring about the +greatest good for the greatest number, by the simple +reason that it will be much easier for the State to deal +with all those different trusts than with thousands of +different companies and individuals.</p> + +<p>One day the earth will belong to its inhabitants, not +to a privileged few. Trusts may lead to the solution +of the question.</p> + +<p>Another impression deeply confirmed more than ever: +the English may talk of the 'blood-thicker-than-water' +theory, but it will never stand the test of a +political crisis.</p> + +<p>Of course, there are the '400' of New York who are +entirely pro-English, and half apologetic for being +American; but the population of Greater New York +is 4,000,000. If out of 4,000,000 you take 400, there +still remain some Americans. And these have no love +lost for England.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXVI</h2> + +<h3>SOME AMERICANS I OBJECT TO</h3> + + +<p>An American was one day travelling with an Englishman +friend of mine in the same railway compartment +from Dieppe to Paris. During the conversation, the +American did not care to own that he hailed from +America, but went as far as to confess that he came +from Boston, which, he thought, would no doubt +atone for his being American in the eyes of his English +companion.</p> + +<p>'And where are you going to put up in Paris?' +inquired the Englishman. 'Well,' replied the Bostonian, +'I was thinking of staying at Meurice's; but it's so full +of d——d Americans! Where are you going to stop +yourself?' 'H'm,' said the Englishman; 'I was thinking +of stopping at Meurice's myself, but the place is so +full of d——d English people!'</p> + +<p>I object to the American who tells you that he +spends the summer in Europe because America does +not possess a summer resort fit to visit, and who regrets +being unable to spend the winter in the South of France +because there is not in the United States a decent place +where to spend the winter months, who assures you that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span> +America does not possess a single spot historically interesting. +In my innocence I thought that an American +might be interested to visit the Independence Hall of +Philadelphia, Mount Vernon in Virginia, Lexington, +Bunker's Hill, Yorktown, Chattanooga, Gettysburg, and +a few other places where his ancestors made America +what she is now.</p> + +<p>I thought that the Hudson River compared favourably +with the Thames and the Seine, the Rocky +Mountains with the Alps and the Pyrenees, the Sierras +with Switzerland, and that Europe had nothing to offer +to be mentioned in the same breath with the Indian +summer of America, when the country puts on her garb +of red and gold.</p> + +<p>When you meet that American in Europe, he asks +you if you have met Lord Fitz-Noodle, Lady Ginger, +and the Marquis de la Roche-Trompette. When you +confess to him that you never had the pleasure of meeting +those European worthies, he throws at you a patronizing +glance, a mixture of pity and contempt, which +seems to say: 'Good gracious! who on earth can you +be? In what awful set do you move?'</p> + +<p>At fashionable places, on board steamers, he avoids +his compatriots and introduces himself into the aristocracy, +always glad to patronize people who have +money. He makes no inquiry about the private character +of those titled people before he allows his wife +and daughters to frequent them. They are titled, and, +in his eyes, that sanctifies everything. On board a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> +steamer he works hard with the purser and the chief +steward in order to be given a seat at the same table +with a travelling lord. You never see him in anybody +else's company.</p> + +<p>A favourite remark of his is: 'The Americans one +meets in Europe make me feel ashamed of my country +and of my compatriots.'</p> + +<p>How I do prefer to that American snob the good +American who has never left the States, and who is +perfectly convinced that America is the only country +fit for a free man to live in—God's own country! At +any rate, he is a good patriot, proud of his motherland. +I even prefer to him that American (often to be met +abroad) who damns everything in Europe; who prefers +the Presbyterian church of his little city to Notre Dame, +Westminster Abbey, and the cathedrals of Rouen, +Cologne, and Milan; who thinks that England is such +a tight little island that he is afraid of going out at +night for fear of falling into the water; who thinks +that French politeness and manners are much overrated, +and who, when being asked if he likes French +cuisine, replies: 'No; nor their cookery either.'</p> + +<p>I love the man who sees only things to admire in his +mother and his own country; and in America that man +has his choice—<i>une abondance de biens</i>.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXVII</h2> + +<h3>PATIENCE—AN AMERICAN TRAIT</h3> + + +<p>For power of endurance, give me the Americans. They +are angels of patience. The best illustration is what +they can put up with at their Custom House when they +return home. Foreigners are more leniently dealt with, +but if the American and his wife return from a trip to +Europe and have with them twelve trunks and ten +bags, these twelve trunks and ten bags have to be +opened and thoroughly searched, and that although +the said American has already signed a paper that he +has nothing dutiable with him.</p> + +<p>In every civilized nation of the world, there is a +Custom House officer to inquire of the foreign visitor +or the returning native whether he has anything to +declare. He is not required to sign anything. He is +asked the question on presenting himself with his +baggage.</p> + +<p>Never more than one piece of luggage is opened, and +when the owner is a lady alone she is allowed to pass +without having anything opened, unless, of course, she +appears to be a suspicious character.</p> + +<p>Everywhere in Europe any decent-looking man or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span> +woman who declares that he or she has nothing dutiable +has one piece of luggage examined and no more. +But in America not only is every trunk, every bag, +opened, but everything in it most searchingly examined.</p> + +<p>'Have you worn this?' says the man.</p> + +<p>I knew a gentleman who had had ten trunks examined +from top to bottom, but could not find the key to his +hat-box, a light piece of luggage which, by its weight, +was labelled innocent. The Custom House officer took +a hatchet and smashed it.</p> + +<p>I allowed myself to be told that the gentleman in +question could obtain no redress against the man in +authority. A lady, for that matter, would have been +treated in exactly the same way. No respect for her +sex, no consideration for the pretty things she had had +so carefully packed; everything is taken out, felt, and +replaced topsy-turvy.</p> + +<p>When a favourite steamer arrives in New York, with +500 first and second class passengers, it means about +5,000 pieces of luggage to open and examine. If you +have no servants to see it done for you, the odds are +that you will be five hours on the wharf before you are +able to proceed to your hotel.</p> + +<p>The Americans grumble, but patiently endure the +nuisance, as if they were not masters in their own home +and able to put a stop to it. No Englishman would +stand it a day. If it was a special order, it would be +repealed at once. The only time when the thing was +done in England was during the period of scare<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span> +produced by the Irish dynamitards some twenty-five years +ago.</p> + +<p>To some American millionairesses fifty new dresses +are less extravagant than two or three for other women; +besides, if they are extravagant, that's their business. +What does it matter so long as it is not some materials +for sale or any other commercial purpose?</p> + +<p>The Americans endure bureaucracy much more readily +than the English. In that, as in many other traits, they +more resemble the French, who, in spite of their reputation +for being unruly, are the most docile, enduring, +easily-governed people in the world, until they are +aroused, when—then look out!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXVIII</h2> + +<h3>AMERICAN FEELINGS FOR FOREIGNERS</h3> + + +<p>Jonathan has such a large family of his own to think +of and look after at home that he has not much time to +spare for concerning himself about what is going on in +other people's houses.</p> + +<p>He takes a general interest in them, likes to be +kept acquainted with what is happening in the world, +in Europe especially; he feels sympathy for most +people, antipathy to one, but it would be difficult to +say, so far as the names of the American people are +concerned, that he has a predilection for any particular +nation more than for any other.</p> + +<p>The largest foreign element in the United States is +German, Scandinavian, and Irish; but they are all now +digested and assimilated, and they inspire no particular +feeling in the breast of Uncle Sam for the respective +countries they originally came from. He asks them to +be, and they are, good American citizens, ready to fight +his battles on election day or, if need be, on the battlefield.</p> + +<p>There is no 'most favoured' nation in the American<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span> +character, which in this respect is opportunist to the +greatest degree.</p> + +<p>During the war with Spain the Americans were pro-English, +because they had the moral support of the +English, or thought they had.</p> + +<p>In 1895, during the Venezuelan difficulty, they were +above all anti-English. Just at present their love of +the English is somewhat cooler, because they wonder +whether England was really friendly and sincere during +the Spanish-American War, and because their sympathy +was for the Boers who, in their eyes, rightly or wrongly, +bravely fought for their liberty and independence as +the Americans did 125 years ago.</p> + +<p>When Prince Henry visited the United States, the +Americans regarded his visit as a great compliment +paid to their country, and a delicate advance and +attention on the part of the German Emperor.</p> + +<p>Then Germany naturally came to the front, and, at +the time, might with reason have been called the nation +nearest to the heart of Jonathan. Prince Henry was +fêted, banqueted, liked, and when the steamer took him +home, he was remembered with pleasure and forgotten, +and Germany resumed her position of foreign nation, +just like that of any other.</p> + +<p>The English, who buy inventions, but seldom make +them, are now starting the rumour that the Prince of +Wales has been invited to visit the United States. +The idea is not very original, not any more than that +of King Edward having a racing yacht built in America,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> +and sending his son over to be present at its launching +and christening. That sort of thing may be overdone.</p> + +<p>If, however, the Prince of Wales went to America, he +would be received with open arms, the 'blood-thicker-than-water' +business, and the 'kin-and-kith' cry would +be indulged in during his visit, after which everything +would resume its normal state.</p> + +<p>If the President of the French Republic could be +induced to visit America, the Americans would become +pro-French; Lafayette, the 'never-to-be-forgotten +helper of the Americans' in their struggle for liberty +and independence, would be resurrected, and this visit +would, perhaps, be the one most likely to go straight to +the hearts of the Americans, as, in this case, the visit +paid would bring to the United States the very head of +the French nation and the President of a great Republic, +the sister Republic.</p> + +<p>But the visit over, I have no doubt that Jonathan +would resume his business habits, forget all about it, +and only remember a little excitement and a good time.</p> + +<p>Let me, however, advise any royalty, English or other, +to wait a little before visiting America. For a long +time there will be no originality, no novelty even, about +the presence of a real Prince in the United States, and +the Americans are particularly fond of novelties. They +want a constant change in the programme.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIX</h2> + +<h3>SHOULD YOUNG GIRLS READ NOVELS?</h3> + + +<p>A lady, an intimate friend of the late Alphonse Karr, was +one day on a visit to the famous French author, and +noticing in his library the statuettes of the Venus of +Milo and a few other classical beauties, she said to him: +'I am afraid you are wrong to feast your eyes on those +exquisite faces and perfect forms, because they very +seldom exist in real life, and they can only make you +feel disappointed and spoil your mind. When you go +to a ballroom, I imagine that there are few women, if +any, that you are not inclined to criticise.'</p> + +<p>For the same reason I will answer a lady correspondent, +who asks me whether she should encourage or +even allow her daughters to read novels: No, young +people should not read novels. Instead of infusing +into their minds sensible ideas about the stern realities +of life, they portray disinterestedness that is overdone, +beauty that is rarely seen outside of museums, devotion +that has been very uncommon since the days of the +Crusaders, love that has been unheard of since the death +of Orpheus and Eurydice, pluck that died with Bayard +and Bertrand du Guesclin; and I am not sure that,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> +loathsome as they are to me, I would not recommend +the novels of the realistic school rather than those of +the romantic school to young people of both sexes; for +if the former make you feel fairly disgusted with +humanity, they do not, like the latter, fill the minds of +youth with illusions that are destined to be blown to +the four winds of the earth by the realities of life. In +fact, I know some novels which young people might +read, and also some which they ought to read; but I +believe I could count them all on the fingers of my two +hands. Let young people study life from life, listen to +the experience of those who have lived, frequent people +who have found happiness and met with success in +life. This will much better make them serve their +apprenticeship.</p> + +<p>Yes, I say, avoid reading all novels, and, above all, +the sentimental ones—those that make young girls +believe that husbands are lovers who spend their lives +at the feet of their wives making love to them, and +young men imagine that wives are sweethearts who +have nothing to do but coo and try to look pretty. +Let young people read books that will help make them +sensible and cheerful, books of travels and adventures, +books of pleasant philosophy, of common-sense and +humour. Boyhood, girlhood, as well as young manhood +and womanhood, should be spent in cheerful +surroundings, for nothing leads better to morality than +cheerfulness. If I had a house full of young people, I +would have my house ring all day long with the peals<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> +of laughter of my boys and girls. Fun of the good, +wholesome sort, humour and gaiety, should be the daily +food of youth, and only books that supply it should be +given to them.</p> + +<p>On the whole, there is not much to choose between +the novels of the realistic school, that would +make you believe that the world is full of murderers, +forgers, men and women with diseased minds, novels +that reek of disinfectants, and make you feel as you do +when you come out of a hospital and your clothes are +permeated with a smell of carbolic acid, and the novels +of the sentimental school, that would lead you to +believe that all the male and female geese who are their +heroes and heroines have the slightest chance of being +successful in life.</p> + +<p>People should already know a great deal of real life +before they get acquainted with the way in which it is +represented in novels.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXX</h2> + +<h3>NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH FATHER?</h3> + + +<p>I confess that I am a little tired, and I will say so +frankly, of continually hearing such phrases as 'What +is home without a mother?' 'God bless our mother!' +and so forth. I should like to use an Americanism and +ask, 'Now, pray, what's the matter with father?'</p> + +<p>I cannot help thinking that children would grow just +as sensible if they sometimes heard a word of praise +bestowed on their fathers instead of being loaded with +an endless litany of all the virtues of mother.</p> + +<p>Mother's love, mother's devotion, mother's influence, +mother's this, and mother's that. Now, father does +exist, and occasionally makes himself useful enough to +stand in no need of an apology for daring to exist.</p> + +<p>He generally loves his children, and sometimes feels +that he cannot compete with his wife in their affections, +simply because she monopolizes them, not only +when they are babies, but after they are out of infancy. +He resents it, but, as a rule, resigns himself to what he +is made to believe inevitable.</p> + +<p>The first duty of a woman is to teach her children to +love their father, and, as they grow up, to teach them<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span> +to respect him and admire him. It is her duty to hide +from her children any little thing that might cause +them to lose the least respect or admiration towards +him.</p> + +<p>But, out of one hundred women, will you find one +who will not be of opinion that mother is foremost?</p> + +<p>When a woman has become a mother, her vanity, +though often full of repose, gets the best of her. She +is a mother, and thinks she is the most important thing +in the world. Yet, as I say elsewhere, it is no extraordinary +testimonial for a woman to be fond of her +children. All mothers are fond of their children and +good to them—why, even the fiercest and cruellest of +animals. The feeling is given to them by Nature. We +all profit by it; we are all happier for it. For being able +to dispense maternal love woman is to be admired and +blessed, but not congratulated. A child is part and +parcel of a mother. In loving a child a woman loves +part of herself. It is not selfishness so much as self-love. +When she brings up her children for herself, for +the love of herself, without doing her utmost to see that +their father gets his share; when, thanks to her own +trumpeting, her house rings only with 'God bless our +mother!' she is guilty of an act of terrible injustice.</p> + +<p>The vanity of some women is such that some expect +a pedestal—nay, an altar—when the spring-cleaning of +their house is over.</p> + +<p>I know men who work with one view only—that of +bringing up their children in comfort, giving them a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span> +University education, and starting them in life at the +cost of any sacrifice.</p> + +<p>I know Americans who work like slaves at home so +that their wives and daughters may enjoy themselves +in Paris and London. For this they demand +nothing except an occasional letter, which they sometimes +get.</p> + +<p>Mother is very tired! She has had to pay calls, go +to so many 'at homes,' so many garden-parties! She is +exhausted; she wants a change of air immediately. +Father is at his office, a dingy, badly-ventilated room. +He has had no holiday for a year. He, too, would like +a little change of air; but what's the matter with +father? He's all right.</p> + +<p>In the most humble stations of life we have all of us +known that man who gets up at five o'clock in the +morning, lights the fire to cook a bit of breakfast for +himself, gets his tools and starts to his daily labour, +wiping off the dew of the dawn on his boots while many +a mother is sleeping. With his hard-earned wages he +pays the butcher, the grocer, the milkman and the +baker. He stands off the wolf and the bailiff and pays +the rent.</p> + +<p>What's the matter with father? How blessed that +home would be without him!</p> + +<p>I know there are loafers who refuse the work that +would enable them to support their wives and children. +There are also good steady workmen who at home find +nothing awaiting them except the sight of a drunken<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span> +woman, who not only has not prepared a meal for him, +but has spent his hard-earned money, and not uncommonly +even pawned the baby's shoes to get brandy or +gin with. 'What's home without a mother?' 'God +bless our mother!'</p> + +<p>Do give father a chance, if you please.</p> + + +<h3>THE END</h3> + +<h5>BILLING AND SONS, LTD., PRINTERS, GUILDFORD</h5> + + + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3>MAX O'RELL'S WORKS</h3> + + +<p class="center"> +JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND.<br /> +JOHN BULL'S WOMANKIND.<br /> +THE DEAR NEIGHBOURS!<br /> +FRIEND MACDONALD.<br /> +DRAT THE BOYS!<br /> +JOHN BULL, JUNIOR.<br /> +JACQUES BONHOMME.<br /> +JONATHAN AND HIS CONTINENT.<br /> +A FRENCHMAN IN AMERICA.<br /> +JOHN BULL AND CO.<br /> +PHARISEES AND CROCODILES.<br /> +FRENCH ORATORY.<br /> +WOMAN AND ARTIST.<br /> +HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WOMAN.<br /> +BETWEEN OURSELVES.<br /> +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND.<br /> +</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3>OPINIONS OF THE PRESS<br /> +ON<br /> +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p>'Max O'Rell has in this volume given us another entertaining and delightful dissertation +upon woman and her kind. What Max O'Rell does not know about the sex to which +he has not the honour to belong is hardly worth knowing.'—<i>St. James's Gazette.</i></p> + +<p>'It is too late in the day to dwell upon the features of style which render the work of +Max O'Rell such easy and agreeable reading, and it is unnecessary to illustrate his pretty +gift of phrase-making. He has gained his own place among popular authors, and offers +no sign of vacating it.'—<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i></p> + +<p>'We hardly know whether to recommend the book to our readers or not. They will +not put it down, once begun—that is certain.'—<i>Spectator.</i></p> + +<p>'Max O'Rell, in his new book, expresses in his own peculiar and entertaining way +many witty, satirical, and humorous ideas on the subject of the "eternal woman."'—<i>Daily +Express.</i></p> + +<p>'Max O'Rell is always entertaining, and provokes friendly discussion as readily as +any writer I know. His new book contains many aphorisms, and some of them are very +good.'—<i>British Weekly.</i></p> + +<p>'Max O'Rell supplies, not for the first time, a delightful mixture of commonplace +and common-sense.'—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p> + +<p>'We have no doubt a great many people will enjoy the book, and the enjoyment will +be innocent and wholesome.'—<i>Academy.</i></p> + +<p>'Max O'Rell's chaff is excellent, and all in perfect good taste.'—<i>Pelican.</i></p> + +<p>'The genial author takes up the cudgels on behalf of the better-looking sex in a way +which should make his book tremendously popular with lady readers—especially the +married ones.... A very entertaining book.'—<i>Golden Penny.</i></p> + +<p>'Contains some delightful reading.... It is a book happy in idea, felicitous in +expression, cynically frank and refreshing in its candour.'—<i>Gossip.</i></p> + +<p>'Another collection of amusing and epigrammatic essays.... Max O'Rell, as everyone +knows, has the gift of discoursing fluently and amusingly on any subject on which he +touches, and to English and American people his good-humoured criticisms are particularly +valuable, as they are not only sound and sane in themselves, but they are written +from an outside standpoint.'—<i>Morning Leader.</i></p> + +<p>'Women will not feel sorry that Max O'Rell's last work should be his new book on +the fair sex. For many a year he has helped us with his gentle raillery, cheered us with +his bright humour, and taught us much. "Rambles in Womanland" contains many little +personal reminiscences and revelations, and its author's wit is undimmed. The book +is full of epigrams, bons mots, and piquant criticisms.'—<i>Gentlewoman.</i></p> + +<p>'Max O'Rell's last book will add to the regret that his genial pen will write no more. +Usually there is a tone of gaiety in what he says, but at all times he discusses important +problems with all seriousness, and with not a little of the wisdom with which a wide +knowledge of the world had endowed him. Max O'Rell's writings have always been +notable for witty epigrammatic sentences.... His last work is a bright and engaging +book.'—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p> + +<p>'With a pretty wit and a turn for epigram this writer can scarcely be dull, and no +one will turn to one or other of these chatty chapters without being pleasantly entertained.'—<i>Scotsman.</i></p> + +<p>'Liveliness, amiability, charm, honourable sentiment, humour, every quality that the +best kind of French culture produces, are open to anyone who can read English in the +pages of Max O'Rell. Every page of these "Rambles" is sprinkled over with aphorisms. +... This most entertaining book.'—<i>Vanity Fair.</i></p> + +<p>'There is much that is entertaining in these short pithy comments on women's characteristics, +and occasionally criticism that penetrates deep beneath the surface, and reveals +a vast amount of observation and knowledge of the world.... The book is full of smart +sayings and clever aphorisms.'—<i>Publishers' Circular.</i></p> + +<p>'Whatever his theme, he is always bright, and the coruscations of his wit are exceedingly +diverting.... This last contribution is full of good things, placed in an amusing +setting.... These are but a few maxims culled from a crowded garden.... This +wonderful little volume.'—<i>Echo.</i></p> + +<p>'"Rambles in Womanland" has between its covers much wisdom, served up with +a pretty garnish of wit and that wholesome sauce—common sense. Indeed, Max O'Rell +has written nothing better than—in fact, nothing so good as—"Rambles in Womanland." +Here we have his riper wisdom, his fuller experience; but while he has gained in wisdom +or experience, he has not lost his spiciness or his power of brief, terse epigram.'—<i>Black +and White.</i></p> + +<p>'Full of sparkling common-sense.'—<i>T. P.'s Weekly.</i></p> + +<p>'There is enough fresh material to commend these "Rambles in Womanland" to those +who have enjoyed rambling through the author's entertaining writings.'—<i>Morning Post.</i></p> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="transquot"> +<p><b>Transcriber's Notes:</b><i>Apart from one misprint correction on page 157 ("necesssity" changed +to "necessity") and a few punctuation corrections, no other modifications +have been made in the original text for this HTML version.</i></p> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Rambles in Womanland, by Max O'Rell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 33416-h.htm or 33416-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/4/1/33416/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Rambles in Womanland + +Author: Max O'Rell + +Release Date: August 12, 2010 [EBook #33416] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + RAMBLES + IN WOMANLAND + + BY + + MAX O'RELL + + AUTHOR OF + 'JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND,' 'H.R.H. WOMAN,' 'BETWEEN OURSELVES,' ETC + + [Illustration] + + SECOND EDITION + + LONDON + CHATTO & WINDUS + 1903 + + + + +CONTENTS + + +PART I + +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + CHAPTER PAGE + I. THOUGHTS ON LIFE IN GENERAL 1 + II. OH, YOU MEN! 5 + III. THE ROSE, THE LILY, AND THE VIOLET; OR, HOW DIFFERENT + METHODS APPEAL TO DIFFERENT WOMEN 10 + IV. WOMEN LOVE BETTER THAN MEN 16 + V. IS WOMAN A RESPONSIBLE BEING? 19 + VI. RAMBLES IN CUPID'S DOMAIN 22 + VII. WHICH SEX WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE? 28 + VIII. RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND 32 + IX. WOMEN AND THEIR WAYS 41 + X. WOMAN'S MISSION IN THIS WORLD 49 + XI. IS WOMAN INFERIOR TO MAN? 52 + XII. WOMEN WHO ARE FOLLOWED AND ANNOYED IN THE STREET 55 + XIII. DANGEROUS MEN 58 + XIV. THE MAN WHO SMILES 60 + XV. WOMEN AND DOLLS 63 + XVI. MEN AS A RULE ARE SELFISH--TWO KINDS OF SELFISH MEN 68 + XVII. EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES 71 + XVIII. AMERICAN WOMEN IN PARIS 74 + XIX. WOMEN WHO WALK BEST 77 + XX. WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN 81 + XXI. WOMEN MAY ALL BE BEAUTIFUL 84 + XXII. WOMEN AT SEA 87 + XXIII. THE SECRET OF WOMAN'S BEAUTY 91 + XXIV. THE DURATION OF BEAUTY 95 + XXV. THE WOMAN 'GOOD FELLOW'--A SOCIETY TYPE 98 + XXVI. THE WOMAN 'GOSSIP' 100 + XXVII. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT 103 + XXVIII. THE EMANCIPATION OF WOMEN 106 + XXIX. SHALL LOVE BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY? 111 + XXX. ARE MEN FAIR TO WOMEN? 115 + XXXI. A PLEA FOR THE WORKING WOMAN 118 + XXXII. A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION 122 + XXXIII. THE WORST FEATURE OF WOMEN AS A SEX 127 + XXXIV. IS HOMOEOPATHY A CURE FOR LOVE? 131 + XXXV. DOMESTIC TYRANTS AND THEIR POOR WIVES 135 + + +PART II + +RAMBLES IN MATRIMONY + + I. ADVICE TO YOUNG MARRIED PEOPLE 139 + II. THE MATRIMONIAL PROBLEM 142 + III. WOMEN SHOULD ASSERT THEMSELVES IN MATRIMONY 146 + IV. RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--I. 150 + V. RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--II. 154 + VI. RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--III. 159 + VII. THE START IN MATRIMONY, AND ITS DANGERS 162 + VIII. 'OMELETTE AU RHUM' 166 + IX. COQUETRY IN MATRIMONY 169 + X. RESIGNATION IN MATRIMONY 173 + XI. TIT FOR TAT 176 + XII. THE IDEAL HUSBAND 179 + XIII. MARRYING ABOVE OR BELOW ONE'S STATION 184 + XIV. PREPARE FOR MATRIMONY, BUT DO NOT OVERTRAIN YOURSELVES 188 + XV. ACTRESSES SHOULD NOT MARRY 191 + XVI. A MATRIMONIAL BOOM 195 + XVII. LOVE WITH WHITE HAIR 199 + + +PART III + +RAMBLES EVERYWHERE + + I. LITTLE MAXIMS FOR EVERYDAY USE 203 + II. DO THE BEST WITH THE HAND YOU HAVE 207 + III. BEWARE OF THE FINISHING TOUCH 210 + IV. THE SELFISHNESS OF SORROW 214 + V. THE RIGHT OF CHANGING ONE'S MIND 217 + VI. WHAT WE OWE TO CHANCE 220 + VII. WE NEEDN'T GET OLD 223 + VIII. THE SECRET OF OLD AGE 226 + IX. ADVICE ON LETTER-POSTING 229 + X. ON PARASITES 232 + XI. ADVICE-GIVING 234 + XII. ON HOLIDAYS 237 + XIII. EXTRACTS FROM THE DICTIONARY OF A CYNIC 240 + XIV. VARIOUS CRITICISMS ON CREATION 243 + XV. THE HUMOURS OF THE INCOME-TAX 246 + XVI. HOW TO BE ENTERTAINING 250 + XVII. WHAT IS GENIUS? 253 + XVIII. NEW AND PIQUANT CRITICISM 256 + XIX. ORIGINALITY IN LITERATURE 259 + XX. PLAGIARISM 262 + XXI. AUTOBIOGRAPHIES AND REMINISCENCES 266 + XXII. THOUGHTS ON HATS 270 + XXIII. THOUGHTS ON EYE-GLASSES 273 + XXIV. THOUGHTS ON UMBRELLAS 277 + XXV. SOME AMERICAN TOPICS 280 + XXVI. SOME AMERICANS I OBJECT TO 283 + XXVII. PATIENCE--AN AMERICAN TRAIT 286 + XXVIII. AMERICAN FEELINGS FOR FOREIGNERS 289 + XXIX. SHOULD YOUNG GIRLS READ NOVELS? 292 + XXX. NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH FATHER? 295 + + + + +PART I + +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + + + +CHAPTER I + +THOUGHTS ON LIFE IN GENERAL + + +Cupid will cause men to do many things; so will cupidity. + + * * * + +I like economy too much as a virtue not to loathe it when it becomes a +vice. + + * * * + +Many virtues, when carried too far, become vices. + + * * * + +Envy is a vice which does not pay. If you let your envy be apparent, you +advertise your failure. + + * * * + +Nothing is less common than common-sense. + + * * * + +Whenever you can, pay cash for what you buy. A bill owing is like port +wine--it generally improves by keeping. + + * * * + +There are people whose signature has no more significance at the end of +a letter of insults than it has value at the bottom of a cheque. + + * * * + +The hardest thing to do in life is to make a living dishonestly for any +length of time. + + * * * + +The harm that happens to others very seldom does us any good, and the +good that happens to them very seldom does us any harm. People who are +successful are neither envious, jealous, nor revengeful. + + * * * + +Very often a man says, 'I have made a fool of myself!' who should only +accuse his father. + + * * * + +A contract is a collection of clauses signed by two honourable persons +who take each other for scoundrels. + + * * * + +Many people make a noise for the simple reason that, like drums, they +are empty. Many others think themselves deep who are only hollow. + + * * * + +Never have anything to do with women in whose houses you never see a +man. You may say what you like, but I have heard many women admit that +the presence of a man adds a great deal of respectability to a house. + + * * * + +If you cannot prevent evil, try not to see it. What we do not know does +not hurt us. + + * * * + +A self-conscious man is sometimes one who is aware of his worth; a +conceited man is generally one who is not aware of his unworthiness. + + * * * + +Many a saint in a small provincial town is a devil of a dog in the +Metropolis. Life in small towns is like life in glass-houses. The fear +of the neighbour is the beginning of wisdom. + + * * * + +Great revolutions were not caused by great grievances or even great +sufferings, but by great injustices. + + * * * + +Revolutions, like new countries, are often started by somewhat +objectionable adventurers. When they have been successful, steady and +honest people come in. + + * * * + +The good diplomatist is not the one who forces events, but the one who +foresees them, and, when they come, knows how to make the best of them. +The good diplomatist is not the one who successfully takes people in, +but the one who, when he has discovered who are his true friends, sticks +to them through thick and thin. + + * * * + +I prefer unrighteousness to self-righteousness. The unrighteous man may +see the error of his ways and improve. He may even be lovable. The +self-righteous man is unteachable, uncharitable, unloving, unlovable, +and unlovely. + + * * * + +You can judge the social standing of a woman from the way she sits down. + + * * * + +A woman may love a man she has hated, never one she has despised, seldom +one who has been indifferent to her. + + * * * + +A woman is seldom jealous of another on account of her intellectual +attainments, but if her bosom friend has on purpose or by mere chance +eclipsed her by her dress at a party, they will probably be no longer on +speaking terms. + + * * * + +Scientific men are generally the most honest of men, because their minds +are constantly bent on the pursuit of truth. + + * * * + +It requires a head better screwed on the shoulders to stand success than +to endure misfortune. + + * * * + +The world is not ruled by men of talent, but by men of character. + + * * * + +A vain man speaks either well or ill of himself. A modest man never +speaks of himself at all. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +OH, YOU MEN! + + +The Paris _Presse_ had asked its male readers to mention which virtue +they most admire in women. Here is the result, with the number of votes +obtained by each virtue, and truly it is not an edifying result: + + 1. Faithfulness 8,278 + 2. Economy 7,496 + 3. Kindness 6,736 + 4. Order 5,052 + 5. Modesty 4,975 + 6. Devotion 4,782 + 7. Charity 4,575 + 8. Sweetness 4,565 + 9. Cleanliness 3,594 + 10. Patience 2,750 + 11. Maternal love 2,703 + 12. Industry 2,125 + 13. Courage 1,758 + 14. Discretion 1,687 + 15. Simplicity 1,580 + 16. Wisdom 1,417 + 17. Honesty 1,389 + 18. Amiability 1,273 + 19. Chastity 1,230 + 20. Propriety 969 + 21. Self-abnegation 868 + +Surely, here is food for reflections and comments. Economy, order, and +devotion head the list; chastity and self-abnegation figure at the +bottom. I should have imagined the last two virtues would have obtained +the maximum of votes. + +And is it not wonderful that the most beautiful trait in a woman's +character--I mean Loyalty--should be altogether omitted from this list +of twenty-one most characteristic virtues in women? Are we to conclude +that loyalty is a virtue for men alone, such as willpower, magnanimity, +energy, bravery, and straightforwardness? + +And Sincerity, that most indispensable and precious virtue, which is +supposed to make the friendship of men so valuable, is it not also a +virtue that we should value in women? + +Do men mean to say that loyalty and sincerity should not be or could not +be expected to be found in women? Woman must be sweet, of course, and be +economical. She must charm men and keep their house on the principles of +the strictest order. Lovely! + +I know men who allow their wives L1 a day to keep their houses in +plenty, and who spend L2 every day at their club. Whatever the husband +does, however, the wife must be faithful, and possess patience and +self-abnegation. She must be resigned, and, mind you, always amiable and +cheerful. + +Poor dear fellow! the truth is, that when a man has spent a jolly +evening at his club with the 'boys,' it is devilishly hard on him to +come home at one or two in the morning and to find his wife not amiable, +not cheerful, but suffering from the dumps, and, maybe, not even patient +enough to have waited for him. Sometimes she does worse than this, the +wretch! She suffers from toothache or neuralgia. What of that? She +should be patient, resigned, amiable, and cheerful; _c'est son metier_. + +Yes, on the threshold of the twentieth century we find man still +considering woman as a pet animal or a nice little beast of burden; +sometimes as both. I really should feel prouder of my sex if they would +only be kind enough to assert that men are not beings inferior to +monkeys and birds. + +For monkeys have but one rule of morality for the manners of both sexes, +and birds share with their mates the duties of nest-building and feeding +the little ones. The latter even go further. When the female bird does +her little house duties in the nursery, the male entertains her with a +song in order to keep her cheerful. + +Marriage will be a failure as long as men are of opinion that fidelity, +patience, devotion, amiability, cheerfulness, and self-abnegation are +virtues expected of women only; marriage will be a failure as long as it +is a firm, the two partners of which do not bring about the same capital +of qualities, as long as what is bad in the goose is not bad in the +gander. + +Certainly I like to see in a man a more powerful will than in a woman; I +like to see more sweetness in a woman than in a man. In other words, I +like to see certain virtues or qualities more accentuated in a man, +others more accentuated in a woman; but, so far as fidelity, kindness, +order, patience, industry, discretion, courage, devotion, +self-abnegation, wisdom, honesty, sincerity, amiability, and loyalty are +concerned, I absolutely deny that they should be womanly virtues only. +They are virtues that a man should expect to find in a woman as well as +a woman in a man. + + * * * * * + +Oh, you men, most illogical creatures in the world! You call woman a +weak being, but, although you make laws to protect children, you make +none to protect women. Nay, on that woman whom you call weak you impose +infallibility. When you strong, bearded men get out of the path of duty +you say: 'The flesh is weak'; but when it is a woman who does there is +no indulgence, no mercy, no pity. No extenuating circumstances are +admitted. + +What you most admire in women is chastity. If so, how dare you leave +unpunished the man who takes it away from them? How is it that you +receive him in your club, welcome him in your house, and not uncommonly +congratulate him on his good fortune? + +I hear you constantly complain that women are too fond of dress, too +careless of the money that you make by the sweat of your brow, too +frivolous, too fond of pleasure, and that matrimony becomes, on that +account, more and more impossible. + +Let me assure you that there are many young girls, brought up by +thoughtful mothers to be cheerful, devoted, and careful wives; but, as a +rule, you despise them. You are attracted by the best dressed ones, and +you go and offer your heart to the bird with fine feathers. You take the +rose, and disdain to look at the violet. How illogical of you to make +complaints! You only get what you want, and, later on, what you +deserve. + +The law, made by man, and the customs exact virtue incarnate in woman. +She is to have neither weaknesses, senses, nor passions. Whatever her +husband does, she must be patient and resigned. + +The laws and customs would be much wiser if, instead of demanding +infallibility of women, they were to make women's duties and virtues +easier by showing less indulgence for men, and by declaring that, in +matrimony, the same conjugal virtues are expected alike of men as of +women. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE ROSE, THE LILY, AND THE VIOLET; OR, HOW DIFFERENT METHODS APPEAL TO +DIFFERENT WOMEN + + +The man butterfly is the most dangerous member of society. He is +generally handsome, amiable, persuasive, and witty. He may be in +succession cheerful, light-hearted, poetical, and sentimental. + +If he comes to the rose, he says to her in his sweetest voice: 'You are +beautiful, and I love you tenderly, ardently. I feel I can devote my +whole life to you. If you can love me, I can reward your love with a +century of constancy and faithfulness.' + +'Oh!' says the rose, with an air of incredulity, 'I know what the +faithfulness of the butterfly is.' + +'There are all sorts of butterflies,' he gently intimates; 'I know that +some of them have committed perjury and deceived roses, but I am not one +of them. Of the butterfly I have only the wings, to always bring me back +to you. I am a one-rose butterfly; if the others are inconstant, +unfaithful, liars, I am innocent of their faults. I swear, if you will +not listen to me, I shall die, and in dying for you there will be +happiness still.' + +The rose is touched, moved and charmed with this passionate language. +'How he loves me!' she thinks. 'After all, if butterflies are generally +perfidious, it is not his fault; he is not one of that sort.' + +The rose yields; she gives up to him her whole soul, all her most +exquisite perfume. After he is saturated, he takes his flight. + +'Where are you going?' asks the rose. + +'Where am I going?' he says, with a protecting sneer. 'Why, I am going +to visit the other flowers, your rivals.' + +'But you swore you would be faithful to me!' + +'I know, my dear; a butterfly's oath, nothing more. You should have been +wiser, and not allowed yourself to be taken in.' + +Then he goes in the neighbourhood of a beautiful, haughty, vain lily. +Meantime an ugly bumble comes near the rose and tries to sting her. She +calls the butterfly to her help, but he does not even deign to answer. +For him the rose is the past and the lily the present. He is no more +grateful than he is faithful. + + +WHEN HE MEETS THE LILY + +With the lily, whom he understands well, he knows he has to proceed in +quite a different manner. He must use flattery. + +'Imagine, lovely lily,' he says to her, 'that this silly and vain rose +thinks she is the queen of flowers. She is beautiful, no doubt, but +what is her beauty compared to yours? What is her perfume? Almost +insipid compared to your enchanting, intoxicating fragrance. What is her +shape compared to your glorious figure? Why, she looks like a pink +cabbage. Is not, after all, pure whiteness incomparable? My dear lady, +you are above competition.' + +The vain lily listens with attention and pleasure. The wily butterfly +sees he is making progress. He goes on flattering, then risks a few +words of love. + +'Ah!' sighs the lily, 'if you were not a fickle butterfly, I might +believe half of what you say!' + +'You do not know me!' he exclaims indignantly. 'I have only the shape of +a butterfly; I have not the heart of one. How could I be unfaithful to +you if you loved me? Are you not the most beautiful of flowers? How +could it be possible for me to prefer any other to you? No, no; for the +rest of my life there will be but the lily for me.' + +The vanity of the lily is flattered, she believes him, and gives herself +up to the passionate embrace of the butterfly. + +'Oh, beloved one,' she exclaims in ecstasy, 'you will love me for ever; +you will always be mine as I am yours!' + +'To tell you the truth, my dear lily,' says the butterfly coolly, 'you +are very nice, but your perfume is rather strong, a little vulgar, and +one gets tired of it quickly. I am not sure that I do not prefer the +rose to you. Now, be good, and let me go quickly. I am a butterfly. I +cannot help my nature; I was made like that. Good-bye!' + + +THE MODEST VIOLET + +Then he flies towards a timid violet, modestly hidden in the ivy near +the wall. Her sweet odour reveals her presence. So he stops and says to +her: + +'Sweet, exquisite violet, how I do love you! Other flowers may be +beautiful, my darling, but that is all. You, besides, are good and +modest; as for your sweet, delicious perfume, it is absolutely beyond +competition. I might admire a rose or a lily for a moment, lose my head +over them, but not my heart. You alone can inspire sincere and true +love. If you will marry me--for you do not imagine that I could ask you +to love me without at the same time asking you to be my wife--we will +lead a quiet, retired life of eternal bliss, hidden in the ivy, far from +the noise and the crowd.' + +'This would be beautiful,' says the violet, 'but I am afraid you are too +brilliant for me, and I too modest and humble for you. I have been +warned against you. People say you are fickle.' + +'Who could have slandered me so? Your modesty is the very thing that has +attracted me to you. I have crossed the garden without looking at any +other flower in order to come to you straight. What I want is a heart +like yours--tender, faithful--a heart that I may feel is mine for the +rest of my days.' + +And he swears his love, always promising matrimony as soon as a few +difficulties, 'over which he has no control,' are surmounted. The poor +little violet is fascinated, won; she loves him, and gives herself to +him; but it is not long before he goes. + +'Surely,' she says, with her eyes filled with tears, 'you are not going +to abandon me. You are not going to leave me to fight the great big +battle of life alone, with all the other flowers of the garden to sneer +at me and despise me! Oh no, dear; I have loved you with my modest soul; +I have given you all I have in the world. No, no, you are not going +away, never to return again! It would be too cruel! No, the world is not +so bad as that; you will return, won't you?' + +'I feel very sorry for you, dear--really very sorry; but, you see, I +cannot. I am a gentleman, and I have my social position to think of. I +am sure you understand that. You say you are fond of me; then you will +put yourself in my place, and conclude that I have done the best I could +for you. Good-bye! Forget me as quickly as you can.' + +The little violet commits suicide; and the butterfly, reading an account +of it in the following day's papers, has not even a tear to shed, no +remorse, no regret. + + +A SHINING SOCIAL LIGHT. + +He is called by his club friends 'a devil of a fellow with the girls,' +and that is almost meant as a compliment. As for the women of the very +best society, he is thought rather enterprising and dangerous; but I +have never heard that, for his conduct, he has ever been turned out of a +respectable house or of a decent club. + +There is one drawback to the perfect happiness of the butterfly: he is +generally in love with a worthless woman, who makes a fool of him. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +WOMEN LOVE BETTER THAN MEN + + +How many people understand what love means? How many appreciate it? How +many ever realize what it is? For some it is a more or less sickly +sentiment, for others merely violent desires. + +Alas! it requires so many qualifications to appreciate love that very +few people are sufficiently free from some vulgarity or other to be +worthy of speaking of love without profanity. + +Love requires too much constancy to suit the light-hearted, too much +ardour to suit calm temperaments, too much reserve to suit violent +constitutions, too much delicacy to suit people destitute of refinement, +too much enthusiasm to suit cool hearts, too much diplomacy to suit the +simple-minded, too much activity to suit indolent characters, too many +desires to suit the wise. + +See what love requires to be properly and thoroughly appreciated, and +you will easily understand why it must be in woman's nature to love +better and longer than man. + +Men can worship better than women, but women can love better than men. +Of this there can be no doubt. + +Very often women believe that they are loved when they are only ardently +desired because they are beautiful, piquant, elegant, rich, difficult to +obtain, and because men are violent, ambitious, wilful, and obstinate; +and the more obstacles there are in their way, the more bent they feel +on triumphing over difficulties. + +To obtain a woman men will risk their lives, ruin themselves, commit any +act of folly or extravagance which you care to name. Women are flattered +by these follies and extravagances due to motives of very different +characters; but they mistake passion for love. + +Yet passion is very seldom compatible with true love. Passion is as +fickle as love is constant. Passion is but a proof of vanity and +selfishness. + +Woman is only the pretext for the display of it. Singers, actresses, +danseuses, all women detached from that shade and mystery in which love +delights in dwelling, women who give to the public all the treasures of +their beauty, amiability, and talent are those who inspire in men the +most violent passions, but they are seldom truly loved unless they +consent to retire from the glare of the footlights and withdraw to the +shade. + +Passion excites vanity, noise, envy: it plays to the gallery. Love seeks +retirement, and prefers a moss bank against some wall covered with ivy, +some solitude where silence is so perfect that two hearts can hear each +other beat, where space is so small that lips must forcibly meet. + +The man who takes his bride to Paris for the honeymoon does not really +love her. If he loves truly he will take her to the border of a forest +in some secluded, picturesque spot, where nature will act as a church in +which both will fervently worship. + +Now, with very few exceptions, women understand these things much better +than men. They are born with feelings of delicacy and refinement that +only few men can acquire or develop; they are more earnest, more +poetical, better diplomatists, and of temperaments generally more +artistic. + +Besides--and it is in this that they are infinitely superior to +men--whereas many men see their love cooled by possession, all women see +theirs increased and sealed by it. + +The moment a woman is possessed by the man she loves, she belongs to him +body, heart, and soul. Her love is the occupation of her life, her only +thought, and, I may add without the slightest idea of irreverence, her +religion. + +She loves that man as she does God. If all men could only be +sufficiently impressed with this fact, how kind and devoted to women +they would be! + + + + +CHAPTER V + +IS WOMAN A RESPONSIBLE BEING? + + +There are nations still in existence where women are denied the +possession of a soul; but these nations are not civilized. Now, Germany +and England are civilized nations, yet I am not sure that some Germans +and Englishmen really admit that women are beings possessed of a mind. + +I have constantly heard Englishmen of 'the good old school' say: 'If a +man steals my horse, my dog, my poultry, I have him arrested, and he +gets a few months' imprisonment; if he steals my wife, he remains at +large, unmolested. Yet, is not my wife my most valuable property?' And +that good Englishman is absolutely persuaded that his argument is +unanswerable. + +The other day, in a German paper, I read the following exquisitely +delicious remark: 'We have a treaty of extradition with Switzerland. If +the man Giron had stolen the least valuable horse of the Crown Prince of +Saxony, we could have had him arrested in Geneva and returned to us; but +as he only stole the wife of that prince, the mother of his children, we +can do nothing.' + +From all this we are bound to conclude that, in the eyes of many +Germans and some Englishmen, a woman is like a horse or any other +animal, a thing, a 'brute of no understanding,' a being without a mind. +In my ignorance I thought that when women left their husbands to follow +other men, they were, rightly or wrongly, using their own minds, acting +on their own responsibility and on their own good or bad judgment. + +In other words, I thought that they were thinking beings. + +When a man steals a horse, he takes him by the mane or the mouth and +pulls him away with him. He does not say to the animal, 'I like you; I +will treat you better than your master; will you come with me?' He +steals him, as he would an inanimate thing. + +When a man asks a woman to elope with him, he says to her: 'I love you, +I know you love me; leave your husband, who makes you unhappy, and come +with me, who will make you happy.' She reflects, and, through feelings +of despair, of love, of passion, she yields, and answers, 'Yes, I will.' + +Now, her resolution may be most reprehensible, her conduct immoral; she +may be a fool, anything you like, but she is not carried off by force. +She acts of her own accord and free will, and is, I imagine, prepared to +meet the consequences of her actions. + +I have heard an English magistrate say to a man whose wife was accused +of disorderly conduct: 'You should look after your wife better than you +do, and, in future, I will make you responsible for what she does. +To-day I will impose a fine of ten shillings. If you pay it, I will set +her free.' + +Now, this argument would be fairly good if the accused had been a dog. I +should understand a magistrate saying to a man: 'Your dog is a nuisance +and a source of danger to your neighbours; if he causes any more damage, +if I hear again that he has killed your neighbour's cat, eaten his +poultry, or bitten his children, I will hold you responsible, and make +you pay the damages, _plus_ some compensation.' But a wife!--inasmuch +that, mind you, when a woman has committed a murder in England, it is +she who is hanged, not her husband. + +I believe that women are quite prepared to accept the responsibility of +their actions. The emancipation of woman should be an accomplished fact +by the declaration that she can do evil as well as good. And I am sure +that if she wants credit for whatever good she does, she is also ready +to accept the consequences of the mischief, to herself or to others, +which she may make. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +RAMBLES IN CUPID'S DOMAIN + + +Love performs daily miracles. It causes people to see with closed eyes, +and to see nothing with open ones. + + * * * + +Women worship sacrifice to the extent of wishing us to believe (perhaps +they believe it themselves) that, even at the altar of love, they make a +sacrifice. Women in love have an irresistible craving for sacrifice. + + * * * + +I have heard of women being so much in love as to declare to their +husbands that they would not want a new hat for another month. + + * * * + +The world of love can boast a roll of demi-gods, heroes, martyrs, and +saints that would put into the shade those of Paradise and Olympus. + + * * * + +Love, after being conquered, has to be reconquered every day. Love is +like money invested in doubtful stock, which has to be watched at every +moment. Speculators know this; but married men and women too often +ignore it. + + * * * + +In love the hand lies much less than the lips and the eyes. A certain +pressing of the hand is often the most respectful and surest of proofs +of love. + + * * * + +The language of the hand is most eloquent. Who has not been able to +translate a pressure from a woman's hand by 'stay' or 'go'? How a woman +can say to you with her hand 'I love you' or 'I cannot love you'! + + * * * + +Whoever says that two kisses can be perfectly alike does not know the A +B C of love. + + * * * + +No two acts dictated, or even suggested, by love should ever be alike. + + * * * + +In love it is better to be a creditor than a debtor. + + * * * + +Think of the torrents of harmony which maestros have composed with seven +notes; the millions of thoughts which have been expressed with a score +of letters; think of all the exploits, deeds of valour, and crimes that +have been committed under the influence of love! + + * * * + +Love is not compatible with conceit; the love of self excludes all +other. Even injury cannot cure love; if it does, there was in the person +much more conceit than love. + + * * * + +When a man and a woman have pronounced together the three sacramental +words 'I love you,' they become priest and priestess of the same temple. +In order to keep the sacred fire alive, they must be careful not to +stifle it by an excess of fuel or to let it go out for want of air. + + * * * + +When you are in love, do not be over-sensitive, but always imagine that +the other is. Thus your susceptibility will never be wounded, nor will +that of your partner be. + + * * * + +Woe to people in love who satisfy all their desires in a week, in a +month, in a year! Two lovers, or married people, should die without +having drunk the cup of love to the last dregs. + + * * * + +Absence is a tonic for love only when men and women love with all their +heart and soul. When they do not, the ancient proverb is still true: +'Far from the eyes, far from the heart.' + + * * * + +A beautiful woman is jealous of no woman, not even of a George Sand, a +George Eliot, or of a queen; but a duchess may be jealous of a +chambermaid. + + * * * + +All the love-letters of a woman are not worth one of her smiles. + + * * * + +If a woman wants to know the secret for remaining loved a long time, let +her keep this recipe in mind: Give much, give more still, but be sure +that you do not give all. Cupid is a little ungrateful beast, who takes +his flight when expectations cease to whet his appetite. + + * * * + +For common mortals, desire engenders love, and love kills desire; for +the elect, love is the son of desire and the prolific father of a +thousand new desires. + + * * * + +To conquer a man is nothing for a woman to boast of, but to conquer a +woman is a real victory, because it requires in a man, to conquer a +woman, far more qualities than it requires in a woman to conquer a man. + + * * * + +There is a touching exchange of amiable services between the sexes. The +man of twenty often receives his first lesson in love from a woman of +forty; and the woman of twenty generally receives hers from a man of +forty. + + * * * + +The following are among the little tortures which people in love take +pleasure in inflicting upon themselves-: + +'Amelia has been coughing twice to-day. I wonder if the poor darling is +consumptive? An aunt of hers died of consumption. She was an aunt only +by marriage, but when those confounded microbes enter a family, no one +knows the mischief they may do!' + +'George did not notice I had a carnation, his favourite flower, on my +corsage the whole of last evening. He loves me no more.' + +'Do I love Algy--do I adore him as he deserves? Am I worthy of him? +Shall I be able to keep the love of a man so handsome, so kind, so +clever? This morning he did not kiss me with the same ardour. Perhaps he +has not courage enough to confess that he does not love me as much as he +used to.' + +'I am too happy. Something tells me it cannot last. I have a +presentiment that a great misfortune is going to happen. Our love cannot +possibly enjoy such bliss for long. I feel I am going to cry.' + +And she bursts into hot tears. + +'To-day Arthur met me at the appointed time to the minute. Formerly he +used to be in advance--always. I told him so, and he said, showing me +the time by his watch, that he was quite punctual. He ought to have been +pleased with my remark, and have answered otherwise. I wonder if there +is anything wrong?' + +'He never notices my dresses as he used to. Yesterday I changed the bow +I had on, and he made no remark. I know all his cravats, every one of +them. I also know when he has tied them before a glass, and when he has +not. He does not love me as I love him.' + +'I am quite happy when my hands are in his, but he is not satisfied with +that; he always wants to kiss me. He loves me with his senses, not with +his heart. They say all men are the same. I thought George was different +from all of them!' + +'I have always heard that love is the most sublime joy on earth. I love +and I am loved; yet I want to cry, and I don't know why. Oh, why?' + +'Why do I find that Angelina looks better in gray than in red? I ought +to admire her in whatever colour she has on. Should I make such a remark +if my love was intense? Was I a brute for making it before her? She has +been sad ever since. But why does she wear red? Red does not suit a +blonde. Red is for brunettes. Yet, can I tell her that? Of course, I +cannot. I must not imagine that she does not know that herself, and +besides, I should find her beautiful in anything. I am an ass, a silly +ass!' + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +WHICH SEX WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE? + + +I once heard a Frenchman say, 'My wife could do without me, but I +couldn't do without her;' but, as a rule, the Frenchman who has had the +good fortune of marrying an intelligent wife becomes so dependent on +her, so much under her influence, that no general rule should be drawn +from the remark. When a man and wife have lived happily together, I +find, from my personal observations, that when one has gone, it is +generally the woman who can better do without the man than the reverse. + +Of course, the question is very complex, and one which I would rather +ask than answer. If sexes could do one without the other, and resolved +to do it for fifty years, the world would put up its shutters. May not +the question resolve itself into the following: Of old bachelors and old +maids, which are the happier? + +Even this question is not a fair one, because it must be admitted that +society, which is very lenient over the peccadilloes of unmarried men, +frowns unmercifully over those of unmarried women. Shall we then say, Of +old bachelors and old maids, who have led monachal lives, which have +been the happier, and would be the more ready to decline matrimony if +the opportunity were again offered to them? Now, can you answer the +question more easily? Well, if you can, I can't, and if you have +anything to say on the subject I shall be glad to hear it. + +Personally, I think the question practically amounts to this: Which +would you rather be, a man or a woman? + +Now, this is a question which my readers will find difficulty in +answering, and even in speaking about, with authority, as each of them +has only had the experiences of one sex. + +Before answering it, we must indeed talk it over with some very intimate +and trustworthy friends of the other sex, and compare their sentiments +and sensations with our own. We must recall to our minds all the +observations which we have made on the lives of men and women whom we +have known. Let us not follow the example of the woman who would be a +man 'because men are free,' and the man who would be a woman 'because +women are admired,' for the reason that all men are not free, and women +are far from being all admired. + +I have interviewed on the subject many men and many women, and I have +found an enormous majority of women who would elect to be men, and only +a very small minority of men who would elect to be women. Conclusion: +most people would elect to be men. + +I am a man, and if I were to be born again and asked to make a choice, I +would elect to be a man; but the reason may be that I possess many +failings of which I am aware, and also a few qualities which the most +imperfect of us must necessarily possess who are not absolute objects of +perdition. + +For let us say at once that sex suits character. + +I love freedom and hate conventionalities; I am a man of action, and +must always be up and doing. I do not believe that I am in any way +tyrannical, yet I like to lead and have my own way. If the position of +first fiddle is engaged, I decline to form part of the orchestra. Most +of these characteristics are failings, perhaps even faults, but I +possess them, and I cannot help possessing them, and they naturally +induce me to prefer being a man. + +I have made my confession, let my readers make theirs instead of taking +me to task. I hate to feel protected, to be petted, but I would love to +protect and pet a beloved one, whom I would think weaker than myself. I +am a born fighter, and I don't care for smooth paths, unless I can make +them smooth myself for my own use and also for the use of those who walk +through life by my side. + +But, leaving aside personal characteristics which would lead me to elect +to be a man, there are many reasons which would cause me to make that +choice quite independent of my character. Nature has given women beauty +of face and figure, but there she stopped, and to make her pay for that +gift she has handicapped her in every possible way. + +And when I consider that there are in this world more ugly women than +beautiful ones, and that an ugly woman is the abomination of desolation, +an anomaly, a freak, I altogether fail to see why ninety women out of a +hundred should return thanks for being women. I have no hesitation in +saying that the woman who is not beautiful has no _raison d'etre_, and +that only a few beautiful women are happy to be alive after they are +forty. + +Women have terrible grievances, many of which society and legislation +(that is to say, in the second case, man) ought to redress. But the +greatest grievances of women are, to my mind, against nature. These +grievances cannot and will never be redressed. + +In love woman has an unfair position. She gets old when a man of the +same age remains young. In every race she is handicapped out of any +chance of winning or even getting a dead heat. For these reasons +especially I should elect to be a man. + +Ah, what a pity we cannot decide our fate in every phase of life! in +which case I would elect to be a beautiful woman from twenty to thirty, +a brilliant officer from thirty to forty, a celebrated painter from +forty to fifty, a famous poet or novelist from fifty to sixty, Prime +Minister of England or President of the United States from sixty to +seventy, and a Cardinal for the rest of my life. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + +When a woman says of her husband, 'He is a wretch!' she may still love +him; probably she does. When she says, 'Oh, he is a good sort'--poor +fellow! + + * * * + +After bravery and generosity, tact and discretion are the two qualities +that women most admire in men; audacity comes next. + + * * * + +Speaking of his wife, a Duke says, 'The Duchess'; a man standing always +on ceremony, 'Mrs. B.'; a gentleman, 'My wife'; an idiot, 'My better +half'; a common man, 'The missus'; a working man, as a compliment, 'The +old woman'; a French grocer, 'La patronne'; a French working man, 'La +bourgeoise.' The sweet French word 'epouse' is only used now by Paris +concierges. + + * * * + +Women are roses. I always suspected it from the thorns. + + * * * + +In the good old times of poetry and adventures, when a man was refused +a girl by her parents, he carried her off; now he asks for another. But, +then, posting exists no longer except for letters, and there is no +poetry in eloping in a railroad car. Oh, progress! oh, civilization! +such is thy handicraft! Dull, prosaic times we are living in! + + * * * + +Woman is an angel who may become a devil, a sister of mercy who may +change into a viper, a ladybird who may be transformed into a +stinging-bee. Sometimes she never changes, and all her lifetime remains +angel, sister of mercy, ladybird, and sweet fragrant flower. It depends +a great deal on the gardener. + + * * * + +When a man is on the wrong path in life, it is seldom he does not meet a +woman who says to him, 'Don't go that way'; but when it is a woman who +has lost her way, she always meets a man who indicates to her the wrong +path. + + * * * + +The Lord took from man a rib, with which He made a woman. As soon as +this process was finished, woman went back to man, and took the rest of +him, which she has kept ever since. + + * * * + +The heart is a hollow and fleshy muscle which causes the blood to set in +motion. It appears that this is what we love with. Funny! + + * * * + +Circe was an enchantress who changed men into pigs. Why do I say was? I +don't think that she is dead. + + * * * + +Women were not born to command, but they have enough inborn power to +govern man who commands, and, as a rule, the best and happiest marriages +are those where women have most authority, and where their advice is +oftenest followed. + + * * * + +There are three ways for a man to get popular with women. The first is +to love them, the second to sympathize with their inclinations, and the +third to give them reasons that will raise them in their own estimation. +In other words, love them, love what they love, or cause them to love +themselves better. Love, always love. + + * * * + +A woman knows that a man is in love with her long before he does. A +woman's intuition is keener than her sight; in fact, it is a sixth sense +given to her by nature, and which is more powerful than the other five +put together. + + * * * + +Very beautiful, as well as very good, women are seldom very clever or +very witty; yet a beautiful woman who is good is the masterpiece of +creation. + + * * * + +A woman will often more easily resist the love which she feels for a +man than the love which she inspires in him. It is in the most beautiful +nature of woman to consider herself as a reward, but it is also, +unfortunately for her, too often her misfortune. + + * * * + +We admire a foreigner who gets naturalized in our own country, and +despise a compatriot who makes a foreigner of himself. If a man joins +our religion, we call him converted; if one of ours goes over to +another, we call him perverted. In the same way, we blame the +inconstancy of a woman when she leaves us for another, and we find her +charming when she leaves another to come to us. + + * * * + +The reputation that a woman should try to obtain and deserve is to be a +sensible woman in her house and an amiable woman in society. + + * * * + +Frivolous love may satisfy a man and a woman for a time, but only true +and earnest love can satisfy a husband and a wife. Only this kind of +love will survive the thousand-and-one little drawbacks of matrimony. + + * * * + +Men and women can no more conceal the love they feel than they can feign +the one which they feel not. + + * * * + +Love feeds on contrasts to such an extent that you see dark men prefer +blondes, poets marry cooks and laundresses, clever men marry fools, and +giants marry dwarfs. + + * * * + +God has created beautiful women in order to force upon men the belief in +His existence. + + * * * + +Like all the other fruits placed on earth for the delectation of men, +the most beautiful women are not always the best and the most delicious. + + * * * + +In the heroic times of chivalry men drew their swords for the sake of +women; in these modern prosaic ones they draw their cheques. + + * * * + +Women entertain but little respect for men who have blind confidence in +their love and devotion; they much prefer those who feel that they have +to constantly keep alive the first and deserve the second. + + * * * + +A woman can take the measure of a man in half the time it takes a man to +have the least notion of a woman. + + * * * + +There are three kinds of men: those who will come across temptations and +resist them, those who will avoid them for fear of succumbing, and those +who seek them. Among the first are to be found only men whose love for +a woman is the first consideration of their lives. + + * * * + +Young girls should bear in mind that husbands are not creatures who are +always making love, any more than soldiers are men who are always +fighting. + + * * * + +A love affair will interest even a very old woman, just as the account +of a race will always interest an old jockey. Habit, you see! + + * * * + +The friendship of women for women is very often less based on love, or +even sympathy, than on little indiscreet confidences which they may have +made to one another. + + * * * + +In order that love may be lasting, it must be closely allied with tried +friendship. One cannot replace the other, but so long as both march +abreast, living together, a man and a woman can find life delicious. + + * * * + +It is not matrimony that kills love, but the way in which many people +live in the state of matrimony. It may be affirmed, however, that only +intelligent diplomatists (alas! the select few!) can make love last long +in matrimonial life. + + * * * + +Women who suggest to the mind notes of interrogation are more +interesting than those, too perfect, who only suggest notes of +admiration. + + * * * + +Constant reproaches do not kill love so quickly and so surely as +constant reminders of what one has done to deserve gratitude. Why? +Simply because Cupid loves freedom, and lives on it. To ask for love as +a debt of gratitude is like forcing it, and the failure is fatal. + + * * * + +Women are all actresses. What makes actresses so fascinating and +attractive to men is that they are women twice over. + + * * * + +Woman is weak and man is strong--so we constantly hear, at any rate. +Then why, in the name of common-sense, do we expect to find in women +virtues that demand a strength of which we men are not capable? + + * * * + +There are women in the world who love with such ardour, such sincerity, +and such devotion, that, after their death, they ought to be canonized. + + * * * + +Love is a divine law; duty is only a human--nay, only a social--one. +That is why love will always triumph over duty; it is the greater of the +two. + + * * * + +Lovers are very much like thieves; they proceed very much in the same +way, and the same fate eventually awaits them. First, they take +superfluous precautions; then by degrees they neglect them, until they +forget to take the necessary ones, and they are caught. + + * * * + +A man who has been married enters the kingdom of heaven ex-officio, +having served his purgatory on earth; but if he has been married twice +he is invariably refused admittance, as the Sojourn of the Seraphs is no +place for lunatics. + + * * * + +As long as there is one woman left on the face of the earth, and one man +left to observe her, the world will be able to hear something new about +women. + + * * * + +A man may be as perfect as you like, he will never be but a rough +diamond until he has been cut and polished by the delicate hand of a +woman. + + * * * + +Middle-aged and elderly men are often embellished by characteristic +lines engraven on their faces, but women are not jealous of them. + + * * * + +A woman who marries a second time runs two risks: she may regret that +she lost her first husband, or that she did not always have the second +one. But, in the first case, her second husband may regret her first one +even more than she does, and tell her so, too. + + * * * + +Many men say that they marry to make an end; but they forget that if +marriage is for them an end, it is a beginning for the women, and then, +look out! + + * * * + +It is a great misfortune not to be loved by the one you love; but it is +a still greater one to be loved by the one whom you have ceased to love. + + * * * + +Love is like most contagious diseases: the more afraid you are of it, +the more likely you are to catch it. + + * * * + +Men and women have in common five senses; but women possess a sixth one, +by far the keenest of all--intuition. For that matter, women do not even +think, argue, and judge as safely as they feel. + + * * * + +Cupid and Hymen are brothers, but, considering the difference in their +temperaments, they cannot be sons by the same wife. + + * * * + +The motto of Cupid is, 'All or nothing'; that of Hymen, 'All and +nothing.' + + * * * + +Love is more indulgent than Friendship for acts of infidelity. + + * * * + +If men were all deaf, and women all blind, matrimony would stand a much +better chance of success. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +WOMEN AND THEIR WAYS + + +I sometimes wonder how some women dare go out when it is windy. Their +hats are fixed to their hair by means of long pins; their hair is fixed +to their heads by means of short ones, and sometimes it happens that +their heads are fixed to their shoulders by the most delicate of +contrivances. Yes, it is wonderful! + + * * * + +Fiction is full of Kings and Princes marrying shepherdesses and +beggar-maids; but in reality it is only the Grand-Ducal House of +Tuscany, which for nearly three hundred years has exhibited royal +Princesses running away with dancing masters and French masters engaged +at their husbands' courts. + + * * * + +A man in love is always interesting. What a pity it is that husbands +cannot always be in love! + + * * * + +Men who always praise women do not know them well; men who always speak +ill of them do not know them at all. + + * * * + +What particularly flatters the vanity of women is to know that some men +love them and dare not tell them so. However, they do not always insist +on those men remaining silent for ever. + + * * * + +The saddest spectacle that the world can offer is that of a sweet, +sensible, intelligent woman married to a conceited, tyrannical fool. + + * * * + +The mirror is the only friend who is allowed to know the secrets of a +woman's imperfections. + + * * * + +When a woman is deeply in love, the capacity of her heart for charity is +without limit. If all women were in love there would be no poverty on +the face of the earth. + + * * * + +The fidelity of a man to the woman he loves is not a duty, but almost an +act of selfishness. It is for his own sake still more than for hers that +he should be faithful to her. + + * * * + +Two excellent kinds of wine mixed together may make a very bad drink. An +excellent man and a very good woman married together may make an +abominable match. + + * * * + +Jealousy, discreet and delicate, is a proof of modesty which should be +appreciated by the very woman who should resent violent jealousy. + + * * * + +When you constantly hear the talent or the wit of a woman praised, you +may take it for granted that she is not beautiful. If she were, you +would hear her beauty praised first of all. + + * * * + +It is slow poison that kills love most surely. Love will survive even +infidelity rather than boredom or satiety. + + * * * + +Men study women, and form opinions, generally wrong ones. Women look at +men, guess their character, and seldom make mistakes. + + * * * + +All the efforts that an old woman makes to hide her age only help to +advertise it louder. + + * * * + +Of a man and a woman, it is the one who is loved, but who does not love, +that is the unhappier of the two. + + * * * + +Women often see without looking; men often look without seeing. + + * * * + +I know handsome men who are bald, and there are not a few, but many, who +derive distinction from this baldness. There are men--severe, stern +types of men--who are not disfigured, but improved, by spectacles. Just +imagine, if you can, the possibility of a bald woman with spectacles +inspiring a tender passion! So much for the infallibility of the +proverb, 'What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander,' so often +quoted by women when they are told that men can afford to do this or +that, but not they. Lady women-righters, please answer. + + * * * + +In the tender relations between men and women, novelty is a wonderful +attraction, and habit a powerful bond; but between the two there is a +bottomless precipice into which love often falls, never to be heard of +afterward. Happy those who know how to bridge over the chasm! + + * * * + +A woman never forgets, however old she may be, that she was once very +beautiful. Why should she? The pity is that she very often forgets that +she is so no longer. My pet aversion in society is the woman of sixty +who succeeds in making herself look fifty, thinks she is forty, acts as +if she were thirty, and dresses as if she were twenty. + + * * * + +I am not prepared to say that celibacy is preferable to marriage; it +has, however, this decided advantage over it: a bachelor can always +cease to be one the moment he has discovered that he has made a mistake. + + * * * + +Women are extremists in everything. Poets, painters and sculptors know +this so well that they have always taken women as models for War, +Pestilence, Death, Famine and Justice, Virtue, Glory, Victory, Pity, +Charity. On the other hand, virtues and vices, blessings and calamities +of a lesser degree are represented by men. Such are Work, Perseverance, +Laziness, Avarice, etc. + + * * * + +It is not given to any man or woman to fall in love more than once with +the same person. And although men and women may love several times in +succession, they can only once love to the fulness of their hearts. + + * * * + +Love does to women what the sun does to flowers: it colours them, +embellishes them, makes them look radiant and beautiful; but when it is +too ardent it consumes and withers them. + + * * * + +There are two terribly embarrassing moments in the life of a man. The +first is when he has to say 'all' to the woman he loves, and the second +when all is said. + + * * * + +If a man is not to a certain extent ill at ease in the presence of a +woman, you may be quite sure that he does not really love her. + + * * * + +A woman explains the beauty of a woman; a man feels it. A man does not +always know why a woman is beautiful; a woman always does. + + * * * + +The sweetest music in the ears of a woman is the sound of the praises of +the man whom she loves. + + * * * + +It is a mistake for a married couple to consider that marriage has made +them one. To be attractive to each other they should each preserve their +personality quite distinct. Marriage is very often dull because man and +wife are one, and feel lonely. Most people get bored in their own +company. + + * * * + +Happiness in matrimony is sober, serious, based on love, confidence, and +friendship. Those who seek in it frivolity, pleasure, noise, and passion +condemn themselves to penal servitude. + + * * * + +The great misfortune of mankind is that matrimony is the only vocation +for which candidates have had no training; yet it is the one that +requires the most careful preparation. + + * * * + +On the part of a husband, violent jealousy is an insult to his wife, but +delicate, discreet jealousy is almost a compliment to her, for it proves +his lack of self-confidence, and that sometimes he feels he is not good +enough for her, not worthy of her. + + * * * + +Most women have the hearts of poets and the minds of diplomatists. What +makes a wife so useful to an ambassador is that she adds her own power +of intuition to the five senses already possessed by her husband. + + * * * + +Love in matrimony can live only on condition that man and wife remain +interesting in each other's eyes. Devotion, fidelity, attention to duty, +and all the troop of domestic virtues will not be sufficient to keep +love alive. + + * * * + +Beauty is not the mother of Love. On the contrary, it is often love +which engenders beauty, gives brilliancy to the eyes, gracefulness to +the body, vibration to the voice. Love is the sun that hatches the +flowers of the soul. The face which reflects all the inner sentiments of +the heart betrays the love of its owner, and is beautiful. + + * * * + +Those who in good faith promise eternal love and those who believe in +such promises are dupes--the former of their hearts, the latter of their +vanity. Wine well taken care of improves by keeping, but not for ever; +it is destined to turn to vinegar sooner or later. + + * * * + +Love is a great healer. The worst characteristic traits of a man and of +a woman have been known to be cured by it. + + * * * + +Men and women do not love before they are thirty, men especially. Until +then it is little more than rehearsing. Fortunate are those who retain +for the play the same company they had engaged for the rehearsal. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +WOMAN'S MISSION IN THIS WORLD + + +Naturalists make little difference between women and the other females +of the animal kingdom: they declare that the mission of woman is to be a +mother. Napoleon I., who was a naturalist, being asked to give a +definition of the best woman, answered: 'The one who bears most +children.' And as for him man was mere 'cannon flesh,' I am surprised he +did not say, 'The one who bears most boys.' + +Moralists are kinder to women; they go so far as to grant that woman's +mission is twofold: that she is intended to be a wife and a mother; that +she is to be the guardian of the hearth, submissive and devoted to man, +her lord and master; to look after her household, and be absorbed by her +duties toward her husband and children. + +No sinecure, this mission of woman, as you see--no joke either; but +moralists have no sense of humour--not a particle of it. + +No doubt this double role of wife and mother is most respectable; it is +even sacred; but woman's nature demands something else. To restrict her +circle of activity and influence to her family is to misappreciate her +many faculties, her aspirations, her feelings, which, like those of men, +are entitled to respect; it amounts to not recognising that her mission +is not only familial, but social also. + +I will not dwell on the part she is called upon to play in the family as +wife and mother. We men all know it, whether we are husbands or sons; +but we have also to consider what the role of woman is in that society +of which she is the great civilizing element as well as the greatest +ornament. + +The most noble part that has been allotted to woman is that of the +flower in the vegetable kingdom. This role consists in throwing a spell +over the world, in making life more refined and poetical--in a word, in +spreading fragrance around her and imparting it to all who come in +contact with her. A wag once said that but for the women men could have +hoped for Paradise. Good! But what about this world? Is not woman the +direct or indirect motive for all our actions? Is she not the embodiment +of the beautiful, and therefore the mother of Art? + +If she is sometimes the cause of a crime, is she not always the cause of +the most heroic deeds performed by man? Can we for a moment suppose +society without her? Why, without her it would fall into a state of +indolence and degradation, even of utter abjection. Would life be worth +living without the sweet presence of kind, cheerful, and amiable women? + +Ah, my dear sir, make fun of woman in your club as much as you like; +crack jokes at her expense to your heart's content; but acknowledge +frankly that you are under her power--at least, I hope, under her +influence--and that you could no more do without her than without the +air which enables you to breathe. + +Talk of woman's mission as wife and mother, as naturalists and moralists +do, but let all of us artists cry at the top of our voices that woman's +mission is to make life beautiful by the cultivation of her own beauty, +beauty of body, mind, and heart. + +It is the duty of woman to look as beautiful as she can; it is her +imperious duty to charm the world by her sweetness and amiability. A +woman who neglects this duty is guilty toward her fellow-creatures, even +guilty toward her Maker, by not helping the destiny for which she was +created. Countries are civilized in proportion to the influence that +women have over men in them. + +As long as gardens have flowers and the world has beautiful and amiable +women, so long will life be worth living. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +IS WOMAN INFERIOR TO MAN? + + +Many, many years ago a great council was held to discuss the question +whether women had souls. I forget the conclusion which that learned +assembly arrived at; but what is certain is that now most men do believe +that women have souls, although a great number of them are still of +opinion that woman is a being inferior to man. + +They hold that man is the lord of creation, the masterpiece, the last +word of the Almighty. + +Now, is this really the case? First, God made the earth, then light, +after which He created fishes, birds, and animals of all sorts. Then He +said: 'I will now create a being far above all the other animals.' + +He took some mud; mark well, I say, some mud, and made Adam. In His +wisdom He thought that mud was not good enough to make woman out of, and +for her creation he took matter which had already been purified by His +Divine breath, and He took part of Adam, and out of it made Eve. + +Now, surely, my dear fellow-men, you must own that either mud is better +stuff than yourself, or you must confess that woman has a nobler origin +than you. You can't get out of it. + +Please notice the order of creation: Fish, birds, animals, man and +woman. If men do not admit that the Creator began by the least and +finished with the best, they will have to conclude that lobsters, eels, +crocodiles, sharks, owls, vultures, and mere sparrows are beings +superior to them. + +If men do not recognise the superiority of these animals over them, they +will have to come to the conclusion that the work of creation is one of +improvement every day. + +But man will say, woman is not so strong as we are. True enough; but +horses are stronger than men; elephants by trampling on them can make +marmalade of them. Stags are swifter than men. Camels can carry a weight +of 2,500 lb. on their backs. Birds can fly, and men are only trying +machines to help them do it. + +Is man more intelligent than woman? Certainly not. Who ate the apple? I +know that Eve was the first to be disobedient, but she had an idea, at +all events before Adam had one. + +Had he even the power of resistance? No. Did he even try to shield woman +after the offence was committed? No, he didn't, the coward. He turned +against her and accused her of being the cause of the whole evil done. +Poor beginning, a poor show, and a sad lesson by which men have +profited, and to this day they turn against the woman they have +deceived, and often abandon her. Man is still true to his origin. + +My dear sirs, the proof that God was satisfied that, in creating woman, +He had said the last word of His Divine work, is that He entrusted her +with the most noble of missions, that of bearing the future generations, +of bringing children to the world, of guiding their first steps, of +cultivating their minds and inculcating in them the love of what is good +and right. In intending woman to be mother, God proclaimed the +superiority of women over the rest of the creation. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +WOMEN WHO ARE FOLLOWED AND ANNOYED IN THE STREET + + +I have constantly heard women complain, in Paris, in London, and in New +York, that they can seldom go out in the street without being followed +and annoyed by men, many of whom look like gentlemen. + +And they express their complaint in tones of indignation not altogether +free from a little air of self-satisfaction that seems to say: 'Of +course a pretty woman like myself is bound to be noticed and stared at +by men.' + +Well, I hate to say anything unpleasant to women, but there is an +illusion in which they too often indulge, and which I should like to +dispel at once. + +There are women beautiful as they can be, who can walk in every city +perfectly unmolested and in perfect comfort and security, and who would +be unable to tell you whether any man or woman had noticed them. + +We men are not so bold as many women believe, nor are we so silly. We +have instinct, and we know pretty well the woman who enjoys being +noticed and looked at, and even the one who seeks that enjoyment for +purpose of self-satisfaction or vanity. + +I am over fifty years old, and any girl of twenty, I guarantee, will +make me feel as timid as she likes in her presence, not by words, but +simply by her attitude of dignity and reserve. + +And I believe that practically the same might be said of every man who +is not an unmitigated scoundrel or blackguard. + +In a word, I should like to prove that a woman, who is too often noticed +and followed in the street, should be offended by it, and have enough +conscience of her value to mention it as little as possible; she should +also exercise more control over herself and pay great attention to the +way she dresses, looks and walks when out in the street. + +For if she is constantly followed, take it for granted that there is in +her appearance something, just a little something, that gives a wrong +impression of her. + +Let women have simplicity in their toilette, dignity in their manner, a +severe gracefulness in their general attitude, and I guarantee you that +no man--I mean no fairly well-bred man--will ever turn round to look at +them. + +Women should not call it success. They should feel humiliated to see +that some gloriously beautiful women do not obtain it. They should take +advice and seek a remedy with the earnestness of that cashier who, +returning home, could not even take notice of his wife and children, +much less kiss them, until he had discovered the cause of an error of a +penny in his accounts amounting to several thousands of pounds. + +When a woman tells me that she cannot go out without men looking and +smiling at her, I have always a mind to say to her: 'Perhaps you wink at +them.' + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +DANGEROUS MEN + +(A WARNING TO WOMEN) + + +Among the men who are the most dangerous for women must be reckoned +those whose advances of love generally prove unsuccessful. Women have no +idea of the harm that may be done to them by those parasites of their +homes. + +A woman, young, amiable, and cheerful, welcomes such men in her house +without entertaining any suspicion. She invites them to her receptions, +her dinner-parties; she often finds them pleasant, witty, and then they +venture a few flattering compliments. She at first accepts them as the +current coin of society, and pays no attention to them. + +As she is amiable to her guests, she is not on her guard, and she treats +them to the same smiles, which these fops of the purest water often +imagine are gracious smiles conferred on them only. Thus encouraged, +they go further, and venture compliments bordering on declarations of +love, or, at any rate, on expressions of deep admiration. The young +woman, used to compliments, takes no notice of our heroes, or pretends +to have understood nothing. + +Her silence is then taken for a tacit acceptance, and the fops, +emboldened, make an open declaration of love. Now, a regular flirt or +coquette knows how to encourage or discourage a man with one glance, but +a perfectly good woman is taken unaware; she feels embarrassed, and, +thus apparently encouraged, these men get bolder and bolder, until the +young woman has to show them the door. + +Then her troubles begin. These parasites will go to their clubs, and, +even in drawing-rooms, say that she is a heartless coquette who +encourages men to make love to her just to amuse herself. They abuse +her, watch her, and, if one day she should compromise herself in the +least, woe to her if the secret should fall into such men's hands! There +is no revenge of which they are not capable. A case of this sort was, +not long ago, investigated thoroughly, and it turned out that an +anonymous letter had been written to the husband of a most charming +society woman by a cur whom she had to turn out of her house for +offering her a worthless love. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +THE MAN WHO SMILES + + +There is to be met in society a man who is particularly provoking and +supremely objectionable and offensive. He is about forty, very +gentlemanly, self-possessed, irreproachably dressed, well informed, +interesting talker, with a somewhat patronizing air, and an eternal +smile of self-satisfaction on his face. + +This man has compromised more women than many a 'devil of a fellow.' If +you say before him, 'Mrs. X. is very beautiful, isn't she?' he says +nothing, but smiles complacently. So you look at him and add: + +'Oh, you know her, then?' He smiles again. 'You don't say so!' you +remark. 'I should have thought her a woman above the breath of +suspicion.' + +He smiles still. You become persuaded that he is, or has been, on the +most intimate terms with the lady in question. + +Mention before him the name of any woman you like to choose, and if the +woman is in the least fashionable, or renowned for her beauty or +position, he smiles. + +If at a ball he asks a lady to give him the pleasure of her partnership +for a waltz or a polka, he leans close toward her, smiling at her in +such a strange way that people believe he is telling her words of love, +or, worse, that he is granted permission to do so. + +If he calls on a lady on her reception day, he has a way to salute her, +to kiss her hand, to look at her in a patronizing way that seems to say +to the other callers: + +'See how ceremonious I am with her before other people, and what a good +comedian I am!' + +And he smiles, smiles, and smiles. + +Women are ill at ease in his presence. They hate him, but as he is +content with smiling, and goes no further, what are they to do? They +avoid him when they can, his smiles are so compromising. + +And they are right. His smiles are more compromising than _bona fide_ +slander and calumny. + +The men hate him, too, but they feel as powerless as the women do. They +would like to slap his face, but you cannot say to a man: + +'I slap your face because I saw you smile on hearing my wife's name.' + +No, that would be too absurd. He knows it, and that is why he goes on +smiling. He is safe. + +When he hears a bit of gossip on a woman, he immediately takes her +defence, but in such a weak manner, and with such a smile on his face +all the time, that people immediately come to the conclusion that 'it +must be all true.' + +What is most provoking is that the man has not a bad reputation. He has +never been openly mixed in any intrigue, and even his intimate friends +have never heard of any love affair connecting him with any woman. For +some people he is an enigma, for others a clever comedian, a maniac, a +bore, or a fop. + +For men who justly hold that women should be treated with such respect +that no act of man should cause anyone to even breathe a light remark on +their character, the man who smiles is a cur. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +WOMEN AND DOLLS + + +The love of little girls for their dolls is a very serious love; it +absolutely amounts to maternal tenderness. I have watched little girls +nurse their dolls, and detected in their eyes that almost divine glance +that you can see in devoted mothers tending their little children. For +that matter a little girl is only a woman in miniature. A young boy has +none, or very few, of the characteristics of a man; but a young girl +has, at ten years of age, all the characteristics of a woman. + +I have known little girls of ten and twelve who were perfect flirts, +little coquettes, careful housekeepers, and, toward their dolls, most +devoted mothers. I remember one who sternly refused to accompany us to a +most tempting party, because her doll had a cold and she felt she must +stay at home to nurse it. She was absolutely serious over it, and found +even great delight in remaining at home all the time by the bedside of +her doll. I remember another who had spent the whole morning cleaning +her doll's house from top to bottom. When it was all over she drew a +great sigh of relief. 'At last,' she said, 'the house is clean; that's +comfort, anyway.' A good, dutiful, bourgeois housewife would not have +expressed herself otherwise. Have you not, some of you, even seen little +girls give medicines to their dolls, rock them to sleep, put them to +bed, tuck them in most carefully, and see that the bedclothes did not +choke them and cause them to have nightmares? I have, many times. + +A man very often shows inclinations, tastes, and all sorts of +characteristic traits which his parents never discovered in him when he +was a young boy; but a woman of thirty is what she was when she was ten, +only a little more so. A bad boy may become a very good man, and I have +known very good boys become very bad men; but a caressing, loving little +girl will surely make a loving wife and a tender mother; a cold and +uncaressing little girl will become a heartless woman, an indifferent +wife and mother. A boy is a boy! a little girl is a little woman. + +This is so true that women, many women at all events, who treated their +dolls as if they were children, treat their children as if they were +dolls. It is the survival of the little girl in the woman. I have known +women allow the hair of their boys to fall down their backs in long +curls because they looked prettier and more like dolls, although they +must have known that the sap of their young bodies was feeding hair at +the expense of other far more important parts of their anatomy. When you +see a woman most attentive to her baby, insisting on washing it, +dressing it herself, you say: 'She is a most dutiful mother; she would +trust no one but herself to attend her little child.' But it is not only +the satisfaction of a duty performed that makes that woman look so +happy, it is also the pleasure she derives from it. And the odds are ten +to one that this very woman will play at doll with her child a great +deal too long, and that the day on which she will be compelled to allow +the child to have some liberty and become independent of her, she will +resent it. + +There is not, I believe, a single elderly woman that does not prefer the +child of her daughter to her daughter herself, who has become now an +unmanageable doll who dresses and undresses without the help of anybody. +And if this daughter does not allow her mother to do with the grandchild +just as she likes, there will be trouble, caused by jealousy. There will +be two women now to play at dolls. Why does a grandmother indulge a +young child, give it sweets and candies? Is it to give that child a good +digestion? No; it is to play at dolls. Do they dress little girls like +the 'principal boys' of pantomimes in the palace scene, in order to make +them acquire modest tastes and sensible notions? No; it is to play at +dolls. + +Woman plays at dolls to the end of her life, with her toys, with her +children, with her grandchildren, and with herself. + +I have never heard women have a good word to say of daughters-in-law who +had not given children to their sons. Poor, dear old ladies! They +certainly were under the impression that their sons had only one object +in view when they contemplated matrimony, that of presenting 'Grannie' +with dolls to play with. I quite understand that grandmothers should be +admired, that children should bless them, and even advise other children +to 'get some,' when they have not got any, but I do not think that +grandmothers should be held up to the world as models, because more than +nine times out of ten they spoil children, and derive pleasure not from +duties performed to the child, but from the satisfaction of playing at +dolls. I have very often met sensible mothers, but grandmothers seldom; +they generally are incorrigible sinners--and proud of it, too. + +Alphonse Karr, in his 'Reminiscences,' relates how he used to meet in +society a young and charming woman who always behaved towards him in a +very cool manner. Unable to understand the reason, he one day took a +chair by her side, made himself particularly pleasant, and point-blank +asked her why she did not seem pleased to meet him, and inquired whether +he might have unconsciously done anything to cause her displeasure. For +a long time she defended herself, assuring him that her coldness towards +him was only in his imagination; but, as he insisted, she at last said +to him: 'Well, I will tell you. It was thirty-five years ago. One +afternoon you called on us, and I was in the drawing-room. Being invited +to take a seat by my mother, you chose an arm-chair on which my doll was +asleep. You removed it, and quite unceremoniously laid it on a table, +head downwards, at the risk of hurting it. In fact, you damaged its +nose. I conceived for you a perfect hatred, and, upon my word, I do not +think that I am now capable of forgiving you altogether.' + +MORAL.--If you want to get into the good graces of a woman, praise her +baby; if you want a little girl to love you, admire her dolls and treat +them with respect. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +MEN AS A RULE ARE SELFISH--TWO KINDS OF SELFISH MEN + + +There are in the world men who are devotion and self-abnegation +personified; there are women who are the embodiment of selfishness. From +this we cannot lay down a rule any more than we could if, in landing in +New York, we saw a red-haired woman, and said at once: + +'The Americans are a red-haired people.' + +But as, during my life, I have known more men who are selfish than +unselfish, and more women who are unselfish than selfish, I am prepared +to conclude that man is more selfish than woman. + +I have known men of small income (and in their way good men they were) +belong to two or three clubs, dine at expensive restaurants, and smoke +excellent cigars all day long. + +Their daughters had to give lessons in order to obtain the money that +was necessary for dressing decently, and the house had to be kept on +most economical lines. + +I have known others, not worse than those I have just mentioned, allow +nothing but water on their family table, and take champagne for dinner +at the club or the restaurant. + +I could divide selfish men into two classes: the man with good redeeming +features, and the execrably selfish man. + +The former is good-hearted and fairly sensitive. He hates nobody, +because hatred disturbs sleep and rest. He avoids emotions for his own +comfort; he is learnedly selfish. + +If you are unhappy, in distressed circumstances, don't bother him about +it. He is sorry, he cannot help it, and he would rather not hear of it. + +If you are ill, do not expect a visit from him; the sight of pain or +grief affects him. If you are in want, he may send you a L5 note, but he +does not want to see you. He seeks the company of cheerful and happy +people only. + +He has an income of L6,000 a year, and will tell you that nobody dies of +starvation except in novels. + +He turns his head from wretches shivering with cold in the street, and +is of opinion that a good Government should suppress paupers and all +sorts of people who disturb the peace and happiness of the rich. His +friends call him 'a good fellow.' + +The other type is execrable. The miseries of other people increase his +happiness. When he sees a starving-looking man or a sick one, he returns +thanks that he is rich and healthy. + +He does not avoid the unfortunate: he almost seeks them. The more +horrible tales you tell him of poverty, sorrows, disease, wretchedness, +the happier he is to feel that he runs no danger of ever encountering +such calamities. + +Well wrapped up in furs in a good carriage, the sight of a beggar, +benumbed with cold, sitting on the stone steps of an empty house, +doubles his comfort. He finds his carriage better suspended, and his +furs warmer. + +He almost believes that the abject poor were invented to make him +appreciate his good fortune better. He is not unlike those fanatics of a +certain school who believe that the greatest bliss reserved for the +elect in heaven is to see their less fortunate brethren burn in hell. As +I have said, this type of selfish man is execrable. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES + +THE RIGHT AND WRONG IN THE CASE OF A ROYAL PRINCESS + + +Since the escapade of the Royal Princess of Saxony with the French tutor +Giron, many have asked me, 'Do you approve or forgive her? Do you not +think that a woman who can no longer endure life with a sullen and +unsympathetic husband has a right to break away from the social +conventionalities of life and go her own way in search of happiness?' + +The question is not easy to answer. There may be, or there may not be, +extenuating circumstances in the conduct of a woman who deserts her +husband, or a man who leaves his wife. + +First of all, let me say that I place the consideration of duty far +higher than that of personal happiness. Therefore, a man or a woman who +abandons a home where there are children of a tender age, children who +require the protection of a father and the affection of a mother, which +no one can replace, is a coward that should be placed under the ban of +society. + +I don't care how much a woman may fall in love with a man, or a man +with a woman, the duty of either is to remain by the side of their +children, to watch over their education, and to see them launched in +life. If they shirk this duty, there is no excuse, no atonement for +their conduct, which closely borders on crime. + +When there are no children, I admit that there may be circumstances in +which I would forgive a man or a woman who leaves a home in which life +has become unendurable, in order to seek happiness in the company of a +partner who has given proof of love, devotion, and disinterestedness. I +might also be prepared to forgive if the children were grown up and able +to support themselves. + +On no account, however, could I approve, or even forgive, a man who +leaves a wife with whom life may have become as intolerable as you like +without duly providing for her comfort, even if by so doing he should +have nothing left for himself, and be obliged to start life afresh. + +I do not admit that anyone, man or woman, has a right to shirk +responsibilities imposed by solemn promises. Let them set this right +first of all. After that, let them solve the problem of happiness as +best they can. + +No doubt there are drawbacks in holding royal honours, but I believe in +the old motto, _Noblesse oblige_; and if _noblesse_ does, surely royalty +should. Royalty nowadays is not of much use, except when it gives to +the people over which it rules the example of all virtues, of all +domestic virtues especially. + +When people are born in the purple, they are born with responsibilities. +If they fling them to the four winds of the earth, there is no use for +royalty: the reason for its existence has ceased to exist. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +AMERICAN WOMEN IN PARIS + + +Every year in Paris, in springtime, we see the American women reappear +with the regularity of the swallow. We expect them, we watch for their +arrival, and we are delighted when we hear them say, with their singing +voices, that they have come for our season, which begins in April and +goes on till 'The Grand Prix' is run during the second week of June. + +The American woman is not only received, but eagerly sought in our most +aristocratic society. Her amiability and brilliancy have forced open the +doors of our most exclusive mansions. She affords so much pleasure that +she is indispensable. We are dull without her, because she is not only +beautiful and a feast for the eyes, but she is bright, brilliant, witty, +unconventional, and a feast for the mind. It is thanks to all these +qualities, far more than to her dollars, that the American woman is +to-day part and parcel of what is called 'Tout Paris.' And, indeed, +there is no woman in the world so attractive as the fair daughter of +Uncle Sam. Her physical, moral, and intellectual charms make her the +most interesting woman one may wish to meet. + +The English woman is very often beautiful. Her freshness is exquisite, +her figure excellent when she knows how to enhance its beauty by +well-made garments. She is, perhaps, beyond competition when she is +really beautiful, but her beauty is too often statuesque, and lacks +lustre and piquancy. The French woman is supple and graceful, but she is +more fascinating by her manner, by her chic, than by the beauty of her +complexion, the regularity of her features, and the proportions of her +figure. The German is often fine, but generally heavy, compact, and +lacking elegance. + +The American woman is an altogether. She has the piquancy, the +fascinating manner, the elegance, the grace, and the gait of the +Parisienne; but, besides, she often possesses the eyes of a Spaniard, +the proud figure of a Roman, and the delicate features of an English +woman. If, during the Paris season, you walk in the Champs-Elysees +district, where all the best Americans are settled, you will admire +those women looking radiant with intelligence, cheerful, independent, +who, you can see, have the consciousness of their value. + +The education which she has received has developed all her faculties. +The liberty she always enjoyed, the constant attentions she has received +from father, brother, husband, and all her male friends, have made her +feel safe everywhere, and she goes about freely, with a firm step that +stamps her American. Thanks to her finesse, her power of observation, +her native adaptability, she can fit herself for every station of life. +If one day she finds herself mistress of the White House or Vice-Queen +of India, she immediately feels at home. She may be ever so learned, she +is never a pedant. She is, and remains, a woman in whose company a man +feels at once at his ease; a sort of fascinating good fellow, with all +the best attributes of womanhood; a little of a coquette, with a +suspicion of a touch of blue-stocking--but so little. She loves dresses, +and none puts them on better than she does. English women, even the most +elegant ones at home, seldom favour us, when they visit us, but with all +the worst frumps and frippery they can find in their wardrobe. The +American women are considerate enough to try and do their best for us, +and we appreciate the compliment. And thus they brighten our theatres, +our promenades, our balls and dinner-parties, our fashionable +restaurants, and Paris, which loves them, could not now do without +them. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +WOMEN WHO WALK BEST + + +A few weeks ago I was watching the church parade in Hyde Park, London, +between the statue of Achilles and Stanhope Gate, when I met an American +lady of my acquaintance. We walked together for awhile, and then sat +down in order to watch the fashionable crowd more closely. + +It is said that, although Americans and Englishmen think a great deal of +one another nowadays, you seldom hear American women praise the women of +England, and more seldom still hear English women say a good word of +American women. + +So I was tickled to know what my American lady friend thought of the +crowd that was performing before us, and I asked her to give me her +impressions. + +'Well,' she said, 'it is as good as, if not better than, anything that +New York could produce. Possibly on some special occasion Fifth Avenue +might turn out a few lovelier dresses, but the London average is above +the New York average. You see fewer absolute failures here among the +women, while the men are quite unapproachable--surely Londoners are the +best-dressed men in the world.' + +'And the New Yorkers the most brand-newly dressed men,' I interrupted. +'But you are right. I like to think that a coat has been worn just more +than once. But please go on.' + +'The days when the London girl was really badly dressed are dead and +gone. We have educated her, we Americans, until she has all but reached +our standard. Just think what the London shops were fifteen and even ten +years ago! Something awful! But now I can buy in them everything I want +just as easily as though I were in Paris or New York. + +'I don't know whether the supply of pretty dresses and dainty _et +ceteras_ made the demand, or whether it was the other way about, but, at +any rate, there has been a change within the last decade that is almost +a revolution. The London woman of to-day dresses quite as well as her +sister across the Channel or the Atlantic.' + +I was getting sadly disappointed, for my lady friend is a critic and a +wit, and I was expecting a few amusing remarks on English women. So I +ventured: + +'So you think that now English women can obtain in London dresses just +as pretty as women can in Paris and New York? + +'Certainly,' she replied. 'Yet they never look so well, because, you +see, when they get these pretty dresses, these poor English women don't +know how to put them on. The English girl's education is not yet +completed. She has not learned how to carry herself as we have in +America, both at home and at school. You know the splendid air and prima +donna effects that American women can bring off when they choose. These +young English women have hardly a suspicion of them. + +'In taste for the delicate things of dress the Londoner is now just +about where she should be; but she has not yet learned how to wear a +dress. A French woman or an American would make fifty per cent, more of +it than the English woman knows how to do; and if this is to be +remedied, English girls will first have to be taught how to walk and how +to hold themselves.' + +And no doubt my American friend had hit on the national defect of +English women--their bad way of walking and holding themselves. + +One's thoughts naturally fly to Spain, where every member of the +feminine sex, from the little girl of four to the old woman, who in +England would be bent and tottering, knows how to carry herself as if +she were a queen. + +If it is true that this result is achieved by the Spanish custom of +carrying everything on the head instead of on the back or in the hand, +it is a pity the English do not make their girls begin at once to carry +their school-satchels in a way that will make them hold their heads up +instead of down, and accentuate gracefully their lines both behind and +in front. + +When I was in South Africa I invariably admired the manner in which the +Kaffir and Zulu women walked and held themselves. On watching them I +often exclaimed: 'If English women could only walk and carry themselves +as these women do, with their pretty faces and figures, with their +beautiful skin and complexion, they would have few rivals in the world.' + +It is by walking barefooted and carrying everything on their heads that +the women of Kaffirland and Zululand learn to walk so well, to hold +their heads up, to bring their chests forward, to throw back their +shoulders, and give to their gait that gentle swing which is so dainty +and graceful. + +American women obtain the same result by being drilled at school, for it +is incontestable, and, I believe, incontested, that they are the best +walking women, and also those who, with the Parisiennes, know best how +to put on their dresses. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN + + +Heller, who has collected the greatest number of instances of extreme +long life, found 1,000 persons who lived from 100 to 110, 60 from 110 to +120, 30 from 120 to 130, 15 from 130 to 140, 6 from 140 to 150, and one +who lived to be 169 years of age. + +French writes that from 1881 to 1890, in Massachusetts, there were 203 +deaths of persons past the age of 100. Of these 153 were women and 50 +were men. Let us add that the parts of the world which have supplied, in +proportion to their population, the greatest number of centenarians, are +New England, Scotland, and Brittany. + +All these centenarians, without exception, have been found among the +humbler classes, and most of them among peasants--that is to say, among +the workers of the community who lead quiet, regular, and busy lives. + +It is worthy of note that just those very principles which were laid +down by the Founder of the Christian religion as best for the eternal +welfare of the soul have been proved by the passing years to be best for +the body also. + +It is not those who are clad in purple and fine linen and fare +sumptuously every day who are strong enough to climb to the clear +heights of a great age. Neither titles nor wealth keep the feet from +wearying of the uphill path of life. + +They who would have their days long in the land must honour their great +mother, Nature. They must walk in her ways. Nature does not rejoice in +sluggards, therefore they must work, and the more steadily they work the +longer they live. + +Men of thought have always been distinguished for their age. Solon, +Sophocles, Pindar, Anacreon, and Xenophon were octogenarians. Kant, +Buffon, Goethe, Fontenelle, and Newton were over eighty. Michael Angelo +and Titian were eighty-nine and ninety-nine respectively. Harvey, the +discoverer of the circulation of the blood, lived to be eighty. + +Victor Hugo was over eighty. Gladstone, who worked every minute of his +life, always in search of new subjects to master, and who took his +recreation in bodily work--gardening, cutting down his trees--died at +eighty-eight. + +Sidney Cooper, the English animal painter, whose work of last year will +be exhibited at the Royal Academy, London, this year, died at +ninety-nine, practically with his brushes in his hands. + +The preponderance of females over males in the matter of long life is a +striking fact. It is also constant. All authorities agree in this, that +more women than men live to be very old. The more fragile pitcher is +not so soon broken at the fountain. Why? + +One would hardly expect woman, with all the dangers and sufferings +attending motherhood, to last longer than man. Yet undoubtedly she does. + +I know in Brittany a peasant woman who is now ninety-seven. She does her +sewing without spectacles; she walks a couple of miles every day; goes +to bed at eight, rises at six in the winter and at five in the summer. + +She eats and sleeps well, and is in the enjoyment of perfect health. She +had seventeen children. The healthiest trees are those which bear fruit +every year. + +The reason for woman's longevity is not far to seek. Women lead more +careful, regular, and sheltered lives than men. It is the man who has to +fight daily with the world, and how hard and trying the fight often is +none but the fighter himself can tell. + +He succumbs to more temptations than woman, because more come his way. +It is the man who is often called upon to undermine his bodily vigour by +earning his bread at unhealthy occupations. It is he who goes down the +mines, to sea, and to the battlefield. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +WOMEN MAY ALL BE BEAUTIFUL + + +Nothing is more difficult to define than beauty. It is not something +absolute, like truth; it differs according to times, countries, races, +and individual tastes. Greek beauty is not Parisian beauty, English +beauty is pretty well the opposite of Italian beauty. + +A European beauty might strike a Chinaman as very ugly, and a Chinese +beauty would find no admirer in Europe, except, perhaps, among blase +people with the most fastidious tastes and ever in search of novelty. + +The Buddha of the Hindoos has nothing in common with the Jupiter of the +Greeks. Ancient art differs entirely from modern art. + +In Antiquity, beauty consists in the harmony of the proportions, the +purity of the lines, the nobility of form and attitude, the sobriety of +the figure, and the coldness of the expression. In modern times, beauty +consists in gracefulness, piquancy, intelligence, sentiment, vivacity, +and exuberance of form. + +But there are two kinds of beauty in women: that which is natural to +them, and that which they can acquire by carefully studying what suits +them best to wear, and how they can use to advantage their style of +face and figure. + +I have seen women absolutely transformed by the hands of a skilful +dressmaker or a clever hairdresser. + +The natural beauty is that happy ensemble of lines and expression which +attract and charm the eyes. It is not at all indispensable that this +ensemble should be harmonious. On the contrary, contrasts are often less +cold and monotonous than perfect harmony, and the statuesque beauty +generally leaves us unmoved. + +The woman who looks amiable and cheerful is naturally beautiful--far +more so than a woman with irreproachable sculptural outlines and +features so regular that she makes you wish she had some redeeming +defect or other. Perfection was attractive in ancient Greece; it is not +now. + +Perfection seldom looks amiable and bright, and modern beauty must look +intelligent--brilliant even. Ancient Greece would not have looked at a +turned-up nose; but such a nose denotes gaiety, wit, spirit of repartee, +and we like it. + +I hope I shall not offend that most talented of French actresses, Madame +Rejane, or her admirers, by saying that Athens would have refused to +look at her; but the Parisians, the descendants and successors of the +Attic Greeks, love her, with her big mouth, square when it laughs, and +her turned-up nose. To them she is the embodiment of liveliness, wit, +and gaiety. + +A small, piquante brunette, with small, keen eyes, thick lips, thin, +alert; a blonde dishevelled, like a spaniel, with glorious form, will +excite admiration--both are beautiful. + +But the other beauty, the one that can be obtained of art, is at the +disposal of every woman. In fact, the woman who knows how to put on her +dress and do her hair well, who has on a becoming hat, pretty shoes, and +neat gloves, who has good taste in furniture, who speaks pleasantly, +smiles cheerfully and good-naturedly, who has elegance of manners and a +pretty voice, who has a bright conversation--that woman will be declared +pretty, even beautiful, far more readily and unanimously than the real +beauty, one who fails to pay attention to her dress and manners, who has +no consciousness of her power and her value, and who constantly forgets +that good surroundings are to her what a handsome frame is to a picture. + +Practically every woman can obtain this result, and that is why I have +entitled this chapter 'Women may All be Beautiful.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +WOMEN AT SEA + + +Of all the pitiful sights, of all the pathetic figures in the world, +there is none to compare to women at sea. + +Is it possible that these dejected, abject-looking bundles of misery +only yesterday were the bright, proud, elegant, queenly fashion-plates +whom I saw on Fifth Avenue? _Quantum mutatae ab illis!_ What a +metamorphosis! + +Poor things! Even the most terrible home ruler is satisfied with the +lower berth, and gives her husband a chance to look down upon her. She +is meek and grateful, she is submissive, and her imploring eyes beg the +most hen-pecked husband not to take advantage of his temporary +superiority. + +She arrived on board flamboyant, with her most bewitching finery on, or +a most becoming yachting-suit. She meant to 'fetch' all the men on deck. +She went radiant to the saloon and examined the lovely flowers which had +been sent to wish her _bon voyage_. _Bon voyage!_ What irony! + +These flowers are the very emblem of all that is going to happen to +her--bright, fresh, and erect as the boat starts; wet, withered, +drooping, and dripping, with no life left, twenty-four hours later. + +She is present at the first meal, and declares to her neighbours that +things at sea are not so bad as some people pretend, and the Atlantic is +too often libelled. Besides, she is used to travelling, and she knows a +remedy for sea-sickness. + +Before sailing she doctored herself. She took an infallible drug--a +rather unpleasant one, it is true; but what is that compared to the +benefit derived from it? Yes, an infallible remedy--at any rate, one +that succeeds nine times out of ten. Alas! this time is going to be the +tenth. + +You get outside the harbour, and leave Sandy Hook behind you. She has +taken soup and fish. Somehow she now feels she has had enough. Her +appetite is satisfied, and she goes on deck. When you see her again, she +is lying on an easy-chair, packed as carefully and tightly as a valuable +clock that is to be sent to the Antipodes. + +There she now lies, motionless, speechless, helpless, and hopeless, +wondering if the infallible remedy is going to fail. The yachting-cap is +no longer roguish and cocky, but hanging over her eyes, or her beautiful +hat is replaced by a tam-o'-shanter. The damp air has already taken away +all her curls, and her hair, straight as drum-sticks, is hanging in +front and behind, and, worse than all, she doesn't care. Provided you +don't speak to her, don't shake her, and don't ask her to move, she +doesn't care. + +The boat is heaving. All the different parts of her anatomy go up with +the boat, but they all come down again one by one, and she has to gather +them together. She is at sea with a vengeance! Her husband is all right, +the brute! so is pretty Miss So-and-So, who is chatting with him, the +cat! + +Their smiles and insulting pictures of health are more than she can +bear. She is a good Christian, but if only that girl could be sick, too! +What business has she to be well? + +Of course, her husband has packed her up, tucked her in most carefully, +and placed grapes and iced soda-water within her reach. He has done his +duty, and now he makes himself scarce. Maybe he is flirting on the +weather side, maybe he is in the smoke-room having a game of piquet or +poker. + +Anyway, he is all right, having a good time. Why isn't he sick, too? + +For six or seven days, that bright American woman, who runs household, +husband, children, and servants with one glance of the eye, is at the +mercy of everyone who belongs to her, suffering agonies, tortures of +body and mind, and you would imagine that a boat sees her on the +Atlantic for the last time. + +You would think that all the beauties of American scenery, its +seashores, lakes, and mountains, will attract her next season. Not a bit +of it. In order to be seen at the dreary funereal functions of Mayfair +and Belgravia, she will cross again. She goes where duty calls her. She +has to be 'in it' first, in the hope of soon being 'of it.' + +And, in order to secure her social standing on a sure basis, twice a +year she will pack her belongings and suffer death agonies. The pluck +and power of endurance of women is perfectly prodigious. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +THE SECRET OF WOMAN'S BEAUTY + + +The secret of a woman's beauty is not to be discovered in her +dressing-room, as cynics might intimate; it is not obtained by the use +of cosmetics, pomade, magic waters, and ointments; by the application of +red, white, and black, neither by painting nor dyeing; the real secret +of woman's beauty lies in resplendent health and a cheerful mind. + +It was only a few days ago that I said to a lady, an intimate friend of +mine, who has just been promoted to the dignity of a grandmother: 'Won't +you make up your mind one of these days to look over thirty years of +age?' My lady friend is very beautiful, and she knows it; but she +carries her beauty without any affectation and bumptiousness. + +She is simplicity personified, and if you were to talk to her about her +looks she would smile, and immediately beg you to kindly change the +subject of conversation. But we are old friends, and when I asked her to +tell me what she did, that I might tell others how she succeeded in +remaining young, fresh, and beautiful, she allowed me to insist. + +'Well,' she said, 'let me tell you at once that I do not spend fifty +shillings a year in perfumery. I have always retired and risen early; I +have always done as much good as I have been permitted to do; I have +always frequented cheerful and happy people, read cheerful books, and +seen cheerful plays; I have always taken healthy exercise and indulged +in plenty of fresh air by day and night. + +'But I should add: I have had the good luck of being born with a +cheerful disposition, and of being brought up by cheerful and happy +parents. I have always dearly enjoyed humour, and have always been able +to appreciate it. I am a philosopher. + +'You say that I look thirty--well, I am forty-five; but if my body is +young, my mind is younger still, and I am perfectly sure that, when I am +a great-grandmother, I shall enjoy playing with a doll as much as any of +my little great-grand-daughters.' + +And she went on giving me advice in minute details. Here are a few hints +which my lady readers might hear with profit: + + +HINT NO. 1 + +_Never expose your shoulders and arms to cold. When you leave a hot room +to go out in the open air, cover them most carefully so as to create on +your body an increase of temperature exactly equal to the difference +there exists between the indoor temperature you leave and the outdoor +one._ + + +HINT NO. 2 + +_Avoid beds too soft and too much bed-clothing, which cause nightmares, +develop nervous irritation, and conduce to stoutness. Never have round +your beds curtains, except as an ornament, if you like, at the head; but +draw them in such a way that fresh air can circulate freely round your +head. Renew the air of your bedroom several times a day, and during the +night, however cold it may be, have one window slightly open, even if +you should be compelled to keep a fire all night._ + + +HINT NO. 3 + +Your bedroom should never be at a temperature above sixty-five degrees. + + +HINT NO. 4 + +_A woman enjoying good health should sleep eight hours, nine at most, +and never less than seven. Sleep is a repairing balm which gives rest to +the muscles, the nerves, and all the organs. Late evening and night +sleeps are refreshing, but not so the sleep you may indulge in in the +morning, or the nap you may have in the afternoon. What you want is +uninterrupted sleep from eleven at night till seven in the morning. No +other sleep will keep you fresh and well._ + + +HINT NO. 5 + +_Never go to bed hungry, although you wait till your indigestion is well +over. If you are hungry take some very light refreshment that you will +digest at once and without any difficulty._ + + +HINT NO. 6 + +_No sleep is thoroughly sound and good unless your face assumes a +perfectly serene expression. To attain this end, do not allow your brain +to work at night, or your mind to be besieged by painful thoughts. Do or +read nothing exciting. Go to bed with pleasant thoughts and a quiet +mind._ + +I am sure my lady friend is right; for, consulting advice on hygiene in +a book written by a famous physician, I see that this great doctor +advises the following: + + Substantial and digestible meals at regular times. + Very little liquids at meals, if any. + Well-aired rooms and cool bedrooms. + Plenty of fresh air and cold water. + Warm but light clothing. + Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. + A contented mind. + A cheerful disposition. + Indulgence in deeds of generosity and charity. + Plenty of genial occupation. + +Such is certainly the secret of health and cheerfulness, and the secret +of beauty, which is the reflection of both. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +THE DURATION OF BEAUTY + + +Descartes, Montesquieu, Scribe, Stahl, and many other famous writers of +modern times, not to speak of philosophers of antiquity, have decried +beauty, and warned mankind against its illusions, and especially its +short duration, without succeeding, I must say, in disgusting the world +out of it. True, beauty does not last for ever; but who would think of +singing the praises of ugliness because it does last? And, for that +matter, I am of opinion that beauty does last. I have known men quite +handsome at sixty, and women quite beautiful at the same age. And even +if it did not last, what of that? Are we not to admire the sun because +it is followed by night and obscurity? Are we to despise spring because +it is followed by winter one day? + +Wise parents say to young men: 'Be sure you do not marry a woman for the +sake of her beauty. Marry a woman for her lasting qualities, not for +such an ephemeral one as beauty.' Upon my word, to hear some people +talk, you would imagine that the beauty of a woman is a thing that lasts +a year at most. The beauty of a happy woman who loves and is loved +lasts thirty years at least, and the beauty of some women is such that +if it only lasted a year, it would be sufficient to leave about a man +for his life a fragrance that all the roses of the world put together +could give but a faint idea of. + +Nobody complains that peaches are not as big as pumpkins, and therefore +do not last so long. Some peaches arrived at their full maturity are so +excellent that, although they only make two 'swallows,' you not only +enjoy eating them, but you long remember the beautiful taste they had. + +I must say that nobody is the dupe of all the diatribes which are hurled +at beauty, women still less than men. It has always been, and still is, +and always will be, the wish of women to be beautiful, and the wish of +men to see women beautiful. Even Ernest Renan, whom nobody would have +ever accused of frivolity, joined the ranks, and said that the first +duty of woman was to try and look beautiful. Let a woman hear that, in +speaking of her, you have said that she was bad-tempered, giddy, silly, +extravagant, everything you like, but that you have acknowledged that +she was exceedingly beautiful, and I will warrant that you have not made +an enemy of that woman. She may keep a grudge against you, but not for +long. But let that woman hear that you have owned that she was sweet, +dutiful, clever, devoted, and possessed of all the domestic virtues, but +that she was far from being beautiful, you will discover you have made +a bitter enemy for the rest of your natural life. + +The great attributes of a woman are the beauty of her face and figure, +the brilliancy of her mind, and the qualities of her heart. But when a +woman is not beautiful, other women will never discuss the good opinion +you may have of her mental attainments and sweet disposition. They will +leave her in peaceful possession of all these qualities; but if you +praise her beauty in terms of ecstasy before them--lo, they will form +the square and fight until the last cartridge is used. It is beauty, not +cleverness or virtue, that makes women jealous of other women. And when +the beauty of a woman is perfectly indisputable, and it is almost +impossible for them to find the slightest fault either with her face or +her figure, then they declare that, unfortunately, her beauty is one +which will not last. The dear women! how they wish they could possess +that beauty, were it but for a day! + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +THE WOMAN 'GOOD FELLOW'--A SOCIETY TYPE + + +The woman who belongs to the 'jolly good fellow' type is frank and +sincere, and as steady in her friendships as the most perfect gentleman. +In love, she is disappointing, if not absolutely a fraud. Indeed, the +idea of her possibly falling in love would seem to her quite as funny as +it would to other people. She is of a cool temperament. + +In friendship, her heart is set in the right place; in love, it is deaf +and dumb. + +She is fond of good living and of gaieties of all sorts, both in town +and country. She prefers the society of men to that of women. She is no +coquette, but has no objection to flirting--in fact, she enjoys it, and +all the more that she knows it cannot make her run the least danger. 'It +amuses men,' she thinks, 'and it doesn't hurt me.' + +She sleeps, eats, drinks, dresses, rides, drives, dances, smokes, talks, +laughs, and throws her money out of every window from the garret to the +cellar. + +People enjoy her society because she is cheerful and gay, a bright +conversationalist, generally pretty, always elegant and fashionable, +and most exquisitely dressed. She is unconventional, and the men like +her for it; she seldom indulges in silly gossip, and the women are +grateful to her for it. In fact, she is popular with men and women +alike, because neither of them has anything to fear from her. The hearts +of men and the reputations of women are safe in her hands; she does no +damage to either. + +Most people think that this type of woman is the happiest. As a girl, +yes, perhaps; but not after twenty-five. The woman 'jolly fellow' very +often makes all that noise in order to shake off her thoughts. If her +heart is unable to speak and unable to hear, the reason often is that it +is dead. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +THE WOMAN 'GOSSIP' + + +Men and women who retail slander, whether it has any foundation or not, +ought to be unmercifully boycotted by all decent people; and, to be +just, I will say that there is as much gossip, and of the worst kind, +too, going on in men's club smoking-rooms as there is at afternoon +tea-gatherings. Great, though scarce, is the woman who can keep other +people's secrets as safely as her own. And how watchful women should be, +and constantly be on their guard, always mindful that not more than one +man out of ten can keep a secret. I mean _his own_. + +There are many women who gossip and retail scandal, not out of +wickedness or with the intention of hurting anyone, but for the mere +sake of being entertaining at the dinner-table or round the tea-tray. +When she makes her appearance people welcome her, and say: 'Oh, here is +Mrs. A----; she is so amusing; we'll hear some good story.' Knowing that +she has a reputation to sustain, she prepares her stories before +starting on her visits, and gives them an artistic and piquant finishing +touch that will make them go down successfully. Being fairly +good-hearted, she begins by warning you that she is only repeating what +is 'going on,' and 'does not know for certain.' She only wishes to be +amusing and entertaining, you understand, and does not mean to do injury +to any woman. Oh dear, no! she is a bit of an actress in an amateurish +sort of way, and if she exaggerates she asks you to put it down to the +account of Art. As long as people are entertained by gossip there will +be people to gossip for their benefit. Now, men and women who repeat +scandal which is true do harm enough, goodness knows, but the most +dangerous ones are those who repeat what they have heard, which gossip +will be repeated and 'improved' until it gets to gigantic proportions. + +Slander generally takes refuge behind such platitude as, 'Of course, I +have not seen it; I only repeat what I have heard.' + +Who says those things?--Why, everybody. + +Everybody?--Everybody; that's enough. + +Please mention a name.--Well, I am afraid I can't. + +But where have you heard such a thing?--Everywhere. + +Can't you be precise? Is it in a private house?--I forget. + +In a restaurant?--I don't know. + +At a cafe? At a club? Perhaps in a theatre?--Yes, I think it was in a +theatre. + +What a cure--temporary, at least, if not to last for ever--to look the +'gossip,' man or woman, straight in the face, and say: 'Scandal-mongers +are the most despicable parasites and scoundrels of society!' and you +may be sure that, at least, is a statement which the 'gossip' will not +repeat. + +There is a law of libel practically in every civilized country to +protect people against having their character stained at the will and +for the pleasure of their fellow-creatures, but for the life of me I +cannot see why libel should be libel, and thus punishable by law, only +when it is published in a newspaper or written on a postcard. The worst +libel, the one that does most injury, is the one that goes from house to +house by word of mouth. To say a libellous thing is quite as bad as to +write it down; it is even worse, because what is written often escapes +notice, and the law should reach the libeller whether he has committed +the offence with his mouth or with his pen. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT + + +We all of us have heard of people falling madly in love at first sight, +men especially. No doubt there are men who are exceedingly susceptible, +passionate, artistic, and ardent natures, who may take a violent fancy +for a woman on seeing her for the first time; but I decline to call such +a fancy love, and woe to the woman who marries such a man, for there is +no guarantee for her that he will not many times again take such violent +fancies for other women; indeed, there is every probability that he +will. + +I would always advise a woman, or at all events always wish her, to +marry a lover and admirer of her sex, but a man who madly falls in love +with women at first sight, never. There is no steadiness in that man, no +solidity, no reliability, no possible fidelity in him. He is erratic and +unmanly. He may be a good poet, a talented artist, a very good actor, +but certainly he will never be a good husband, not even a decent one. + +There are women who are proud to say that they inspired ardent love at +first sight. They should not be proud of it, for it is only the love of +a reflecting, lofty man that should make a woman proud. Men may feel +immediate admiration for a woman. + +In the presence of certain beautiful women I have felt ready to fall +into ecstasies of admiration, as I have in the presence of Niagara +Falls, Vesuvius in eruption, the Venus of Milo, or any other grand +masterpiece of nature and art; but I have never felt that I could, or +must, right away implore them to marry me or let me die at their feet. +To fall in love at first sight is a great proof of weakness of mind, of +utter absence of self-control, and of wretched unmanliness. I believe I +may affirm, without the fear of contradiction, that love at first sight +has never proved to be love of long duration. + +How can we imagine that a solid affection can be the result of a caprice +felt for a person whom you had never seen before, and of whose character +you are absolutely ignorant? In certain cases affection may follow a +first impression, but only when she can inspire as much affection by her +merit as she could produce a good impression by her charms. Only in this +case can love become sincere and profound. To form at once a charming +impression of a woman is not to fall madly in love with her. + +How much preferable is that love gradually increasing through the better +knowledge of the beloved one! It is no longer an ephemeral fancy, but a +solid affection. In order to love well and truly, you must know well and +thoroughly. There must be between people in love that blind confidence, +that complete _abandon_, which can only be born of the sweet habit to +constantly see each other and to understand each other better and better +every day. With such love you can brave all obstacles, but with a +caprice it vanishes at the first violent storm. + +Sincere, serious love is never love at first sight. When one look--and +the first one, too--binds a man and a woman, you may be sure that one +single word will soon be sufficient to unbind them. Lasting love comes +slowly, progressively. Heart alone has never been particularly +successful unless in partnership with that sober and wise counsellor +that is called Reason. No love is placed on a solid basis which is not +governed by reason as well as by the heart. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +THE EMANCIPATION OF WOMEN + + +I have just digested a most interesting book by M. Novicow, entitled +'L'Affranchisement de la Femme.' This is a very serious subject, and I +feel sure that I need not apologize for treating it with all the +earnestness of which I am capable. + +In a society organized in conformity with the nature of things, woman +will be brought up, from infancy, with the same object in view as +man--that is to say, in order to learn how to live by her work. And so +it should be, since work is the universal law of biology. Every living +creature, from the invisible microbe to the most powerful animal, works +unceasingly to assure its existence. Work being the law of Nature, to +remain idle is to resist that law and to be immoral. + +Woman must become an independent economic unity. There is nothing +revolutionary in this; on the contrary, it is a most conservative idea. +The leisure class does not represent one-thousandth part of society, and +999 out of every 1,000 women have, or should have, to work to support +themselves or help to support their families. + +From time immemorial women have worked in families, in manufactures, +offices, in the fields, either as mistresses of houses, as helps, or as +servants. + +If woman has to be recognised as an independent economic unity, her +education should enable her to earn her living, and, whether she gets +married or not, she ought always to be ready to support herself without +the help of man. Knowledge of every description should be placed at her +disposal by the State, as well as at the disposal of man. + +This is not all. Not only should she receive an education enabling her +to make a livelihood, but also one enabling her to direct her steps in +life in the right direction. She should be told the mysteries of life, +and the role she is called upon to play in life. In our times the ideal +young girl is the one who knows nothing. This ideal is absolutely false, +and creates the greatest source of danger in existence that stares women +in the face. This ideal was created by the monstrous selfishness of man, +who reserved to himself the satisfaction, the pleasure (only a rake's +pleasure) of teaching her in one moment what, little by little, without +shock, she should learn without astonishment. + +It is innocence that disarms women and hands them over, defenceless, to +the most odious and revolting attempts to corrupt them. When we suppose +nowadays that a girl knows too much of the mysteries of love, we think +she is depraved; but degradation does not come from the knowledge of +certain things--it comes from the mysterious and unhealthy way in which +that knowledge is sometimes imparted. + +If she were told openly, in full daylight, all she should know of the +role Nature has given her to play, she would not be depraved. + +When a young girl shall have received from a rational society an +education that will enable her to live independently by her work, and to +behave to the best of interests, what will she do? + +Well, she will do exactly what men do. The rich ones will manage their +own fortune, and will engage in pursuits, civil, political, and +intellectual. They will embrace professions, be writers, lawyers, +artists, doctors, professors, and so on. All the careers will be open to +them. In humbler stations of life, she will be clerk, shop-woman, +work-woman, servant, labourer, etc. In fact, no woman will be prevented +from entering a career for which she has aptitude, and, by so doing, no +intellectual force will be lost to society. + +For instance, we have lately heard, in Europe, of a young American girl +passing a brilliant examination for naval engineering, who presented the +model of a ship far superior to anything known up to date. With the new +system a woman will not be prevented from building ships for the State +because she is a woman. This will not only be justice to woman, but +justice to society, which has a right to benefit by the genius of all +its members, whether they be men or women. + +Now let us examine what will become of society if all these +transformations take place. When all the liberal professions and +political functions are exercised by men and women alike, women will be +members of Parliament, of chambers of commerce, of literary and +scientific academies, and will sit by the side of men, as, in America, +at schools and colleges, girls sit by the side of boys. On this account +America will be the first country to get quickly reconciled to the new +state of things. + +The activity of women will be as indispensable to nations and their +success as that of men. But I see other consequences. Women being no +longer dependent on men, people will be no more concerned about the +private life of an unmarried man. A woman who has committed +indiscretions will not be called a woman with a past, but, may be, one +with experience. + +It is even just possible that men will feel more flattered to be chosen +by them. They will repeat the word of Balzac, that a woman loves any +first man who makes love to her, and that there is nothing in this to +make a man feel proud; and Alphonse Karr goes as far as Ninon de Lenclos +when he says that the only love that a man may feel proud of is that of +a 'woman of experience.' + +Another thing, and a very important point. Woman, in this future system, +will be so busy with her occupations as a bread-winner that she will +have very little time to devote to love. + +'Woman lives by love and for love' will be thought an absurdity. She +will come across love in her way through life. She will stop or pass on, +according to her fancy, just as man does at present. She will not be +taught early that woman was born to be a mother, and that she has +constantly to keep her artillery in good order so as to bring down a +man. + +For that matter, it is just possible that, in those days, it will be +women who will propose to men. I should not regret to see it for the +sake of the happiness of mankind, because I maintain that woman is a far +keener individual than man, and that a woman is much better able to +choose the right husband than a man the right wife. + +Of course, the frivolous woman, the doll, will have ceased to exist, and +the woman will cease to be considered what she is in Turkey and Persia, +an instrument of pleasure. + +The author assures us that when his system is put into practice, it will +work so well that society will discover that it has reached a climax, +the advent of happy and perfect civilization. + + * * * * * + +Well, if it does, all I can say is that what consoles me for getting old +is the thought that I shall not be there to see it. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +SHALL LOVE BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY? + + +This momentous question has been asked, and is daily answered, in a +Paris paper called _La Fronde_, on the staff of which all the writers +are women. This is a very delicate question to ask, and I am not sure +that it is particularly politic to do so on the part of women. + +That women take love more seriously than men is a fact which, I believe, +is incontestable; but what would become of women if men were to decide +in the negative and answer that love should not be taken seriously? + +Their only protection, their only weapon would be taken away from them. +See what happens in countries, not civilized, I must quickly add, where +men do not take love seriously. + +In these countries there is practically no difference between a woman +and a slave, and even a beast of burden. The Arab, the Kaffir, the Zulu, +the Soudanese, can be seen on horseback, or walking majestically with a +blanket slung over his shoulder, while his womankind are following, +carrying a baby on their backs, a pail of water or a cask of beer on +their heads, and the rest of the burden in their hands. + +These primitive creatures find all this quite natural, men as well as +women, and their greatest source of amusement is to see a white man +carry his wife's umbrella. How they pity and scorn that poor white man! + + * * * + +They look at him, and seem to say: 'Aren't you a man?' The more these +men treat their women as inferior beings, the more highly the women +think of the men, and the more respect they feel for them. And we would +probably do the same if love, which we men do take seriously, did not +subject, and even enslave, us to women. + +Indeed, this would be our right--our Divine right--and women, I repeat, +are very impolitic to compel us to remind them of what happened at the +beginning. + +We men have a Divine right to rule over women, and if we use that power +given to us only with the greatest moderation, it is because we love +women seriously. + +This love for you, ladies, is your only safeguard. See how imprudent of +you it is to come and ask us if we take love seriously. + +Not only do we take love seriously, but I believe that there is nothing +else in this world that is taken so seriously. + +Love is the only universally serious thing in the world. Ask scientists +what they think of actors. They will tell you that there is no such +despicable profession in the world. Yet actors--and rightly, too--take +their art seriously. + +Literature and music appear to those who cultivate them the most +absolutely serious things in existence, yet men of business, whose chief +object in life is money-making, shrug their shoulders, and feel ready to +say, like a London Lord Mayor to his son, who wanted to devote his life +to literature: 'I will be very much obliged to you if you will decide on +choosing an honest and respectable calling.' + +What is serious to some is not to others. There is nothing in this world +which is universally serious--that is to say, recognised as serious by +all the civilized members of the human race, except bread and love. + +The mission of man is to keep it alive with bread, and we perpetuate it +with love. When we have eaten and when we have loved, we have fulfilled +our mission. All the rest is accessory, and only more or less serious. + +Poets and artists, who help make life beautiful, are not indispensable; +they are not serious. Scientists, who make great discoveries, help make +life more comfortable; they protect us against disease; they drug us; +they cure us, but they are not indispensable--the world would go on +without them; they are not serious. + + * * * + +Only as long as there is bread and there is love will the world go on +and the earth continue to be inhabited by the human race; bread and love +are serious. + +I fear that I may have offended many people who think that they are +indispensable and that their vocation is serious. Well, I am very +sorry--very sorry indeed--but I cannot help it. The world was made thus, +and when it was made I was not consulted. + +Put aside a few men and women, most of them to be found in the leisure +class or among the parasites of society, for whom love is a pastime, and +you will find that love is taken very seriously by men, if not quite in +the same way as it is taken by women, who are more delicate and refined +psychologists than men generally are. + +But, my dear ladies, as long as we men are only too proud and happy to +fight the battle of life for you, to live for you, and, when occasion +arises, sometimes die for you, please thank the progress of +civilization, which has made us forget the origin of our relations +toward each other; do not give us reasons for reminding you of it, and, +for Heaven's sake! when we have spent years working twelve hours a day, +providing you with all the comforts, and often the luxuries, of life, +reared and settled in the world a large family of boys and girls, do not +come and ask us if we take love seriously. You are adding insult to +injury. Yes, indeed, we take love seriously, and matrimony too. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +ARE MEN FAIR TO WOMEN? + + +'You are often writing about women,' fair correspondents keep writing to +me, 'sometimes praising them, often criticising them. Couldn't you now +and then tell us something of what you think of men, especially in their +relations with women? We know you to be fair, sometimes generous, always +good-humoured. Now, do have a try.' + +The invitation is tempting and intended to be pleasant, and I yield to +it, not only without any reluctance, but with a good deal of pleasure. + +To plunge _in medias res_, Are men fair to women? The laws, which are +made by men, the usages--everything is calculated to cause men to reduce +to a minimum the qualities, the intelligence, and the influence of +women. + +For instance, let a woman make a reputation in art or literature, and +men begin to smile and shrug their shoulders: they dispute her talent. + +I maintain, without much fear of contradiction, that a woman, in order +to succeed in a profession, must have ten times more talent than a man, +inasmuch as a man will have friends and comrades to help him, and a +woman only difficulties put in her way by man to surmount. + +Man receives encouragements from all sides. If he is successful, he even +knows that his talent will receive official recognition. In France he +may become a member of the French Academy; in England, of the Royal +Academy. Orders will be given him by rich patrons, and 'orders' +conferred on him by sovereigns and statesmen. + +Why should not women get all this? Why, simply because man, being both +'verdict' and 'execution,' has kept everything for himself. Personally, +I have no great liking for female genius--to my prejudiced mind a female +genius is a freak; but what I like or do not like is quite out of the +question. Here I state facts, and why women should not have as much +chance to prove their genius as men I should like to know. + +Everybody knows that the famous School of Alexandria, in the fifth +century, had as orators and teachers the greatest philosophers and +theologians of the time, such men as St. Jerome, St. Cyril, etc. + +Among these sublime intellects rose a young girl, twenty years old, +pure, radiantly beautiful, who modestly said to them: + +'Please make room for me--hear me. I want my place in the glorious sun.' + +She ascended the famous chair and began to explain before an +enthusiastic crowd the works of Plato and Aristotle. Her talent, her +learning, her eloquence astonished the people who thronged to hear young +and fair Hypatia, daughter of Theo. + +Now, do you believe that all those learned, bearded philosophers and +theologians encouraged her, applauded her? No. History tells us they lay +in wait in a street where she used to pass, and when she appeared in her +chariot, resplendent with youth, beauty, and glory, acclaimed by the +crowd, they--St. Cyril and his companions--seized her, killed her, cut +her body in hundreds of pieces, which they threw to the four winds of +the earth. + +Now, modern Hypatias are not treated quite so roughly by men, who +content themselves with turning them to ridicule, although I have heard +of some who did not hesitate in disposing of successful women's +reputations as the learned doctors of Alexandria disposed of the body of +Hypatia. + +Women, perhaps unfortunately, cannot all be intended to be mothers, or +spend their lives mending socks and attending to spring house-cleaning. +Such women, who have received a high education, may not feel inclined to +be shop-girls, ladies'-maids, or cooks. If they feel that they have +talent, and can paint or write successfully, every man ought to give +them a helping hand. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + +A PLEA FOR THE WORKING WOMAN + + +'There are too many men in the world,' once exclaimed H. Taine. This +was only a joke, but there is a great deal of truth in it. There are, +in France especially, far too many men engaged in official Government +offices, in professional occupations, and in stores; too many doctors +without patients; too many lawyers without briefs; too many +functionaries, each doing little or nothing, and the others seeing that +he does it; too many men in stores showing women dresses, silks, and +gloves. + +And the woman hater exclaimed: 'No wonder men cannot find a living to +make; all the occupations that once were filled by men are now +monopolized by women. The hearth is deserted, the street crowded--that's +the triumph of modern feminism.' + +On the other hand some feminists, more royalist than the King, exclaim: +'Woman should be kept in clover, the protegee of humanity, and never be +allowed to work.' + +And, taken between two fires, poor women are ready to shout at the top +of their voices, 'Save us from our friends as well as from our enemies!' +It is a fact that at a recent congress of Socialists an orator declared +himself in favour of the suppression of work for women. + +But women do want to work, and many of them married, too. If what +husbands earn is not enough to maintain the family or keep it in +comfort, they are partners, and they wish to contribute to the revenue. + +If they are not married, they want to support themselves or help to keep +aged parents. Many of them prefer their independence to matrimony, which +not uncommonly turns out to be about the hardest way for a woman to get +a living. + +Women have a right to work as they have a right to live, and every work +which is suitable for women should be open to them. And when I see +Lancashire make girls work in the coal-mines I may ask, 'What work is +there that women cannot do?' + +God forbid that I should be in favour of women working in the mines, but +this is not necessary. There are so many men who do a kind of work that +women should do, and could do just as well, if not better, that there +should be no question of any kind of work done by women which men could +do better. + +The earth was meant to keep her children, and she would if everybody, +man or woman, was in his or her right place. The supply is all there and +all right, but it is its distribution which is all wrong. The same may +be said of work. + +There should be in this world work for all and bread for all, men or +women, only the poor inhabitants of this globe have not yet been able to +obtain a proper division of the goods which they have inherited from +nature. + +Thanks to the discoveries of science and the openings of new markets, +opportunities for work increase every day, but men and women are like +children in a room full of toys--they all make a rush for those which +tempt them most, and fight and die in order to obtain them. In the +presence of all the careers open to them, they rush toward the most easy +to follow or the most brilliant. + +Agriculture is forsaken by men who prefer swaggering in towns with +top-hats and frock-coats, instead of imitating in their own country the +virile, valiant men of the new worlds who fell forests, reclaim the +land, and are the advanced pioneers of civilization. They prefer being +clerks or shop assistants. + +Instead of taking a pickaxe, working a piece of land and making it their +own, they prefer taking a pen and adding from 9 a.m. till 5 or 6 p.m. +pounds and shillings which do not belong to them. The result is that +they overcrowd the cities, and women can often obtain no work except on +condition that they accept it for a smaller remuneration than would be +offered to men, or, in other words, submit to being sweated. + +Is it a manly occupation to be assistant in a draper's store, to be a +hairdresser, copyist, to make women's dresses, hats, corsets? When I see +in dry goods stores a great big man over six feet high measure ribbons +or lace, instead of tilling the soil or doing any other kind of manly +work, I want to say to him, 'Aren't you a man?' + +Europe is full of men doing such work. I know America is not, although I +have many times seen in the United States positions filled by men which +would be filled equally well by women, and often better. + +Many writers maintain that woman was intended to tread on a path of +roses, to be tended, petted--I may have been myself guilty of holding +views somewhat in this direction--but women are not all born in +'society'; millionaires are very few, and people whom you may call rich +form after all but a very small minority in the whole community. The +path of roses can only exist for the very few, and, besides, there are +women whose aim in life is not to be petted. In fact, some absolutely +object to being petted. + +I tell you the time is coming, and coming at giant strides, when every +child--boy or girl--will be made early to choose the kind of work he or +she best feels ready to undertake to make a living. The time is coming +when no poverty will stare in the face the woman who can and is willing +to work. + +Maybe the time is coming when a woman who bravely earns a good living +will be considered not only most respectable--she is that now--but will +be envied for her 'social standard' by the frivolous, useless women who, +from morning to night, yawn and wonder how they could invent anything to +make them spend an hour usefully for their good or the good of their +fellow-creatures. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + +A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION + + +The women's-righters are so often accused, and justly, too, of trying to +disturb the equilibrium of happiness in family life, that they should +immediately be praised when they do something likely to establish it on +a firmer basis. + +In Paris they have just succeeded in starting, under the best and +happiest auspices, schools where girls will be taught how to bring up +babies and how to keep house. When it is considered that, out of about a +million children which are born annually, over 260,000 die before the +age of five, it calls for the utmost care in the watchfulness and habits +of parents with regard to young children. + +Of all European countries, it is perhaps in France that mortality among +babies is largest. France is being depopulated, or at least is not +increasing her population. Enough children are born, but not enough are +brought to grown-up age. This problem, over the solution of which our +legislators are very anxious, is vital to France. It will not be solved +by laws enacted, congresses held, and leagues founded. It will be +solved by a reform in the manners and habits of the people, by making +marriage easier, by marrying for love more often, and by teaching French +women that the first duty of a mother is to raise her children herself, +and the second to know how to do it. This new school, just established +in France, will help in the right direction. + +The teaching of household duties will also tend to make marriages +happier by enabling wives to be more clever and economical. If we +consider that in England and France, which each has a population of +about 40,000,000, only about 100,000 men in each country have an income +of more than L500 a year, it will soon be clear that the great problem +of happiness can only be solved by the good management of wives. + +Girls will be taught family hygiene, domestic economy, and the art of +cooking, including that of utilizing the remnants of a previous meal. +They will be taught how to 'shop' intelligently; that is to say, to +distinguish good material from shoddy, and thus obtain the worth of +their money. They will, I hope, also be taught how to make a bargain, a +talent which I must say is practically inborn in every French woman of +the middle and lower classes. No woman in the world knows as she does +how to bring down the price of things to what she wants it to be, in +Paris especially. + +Perhaps they will advise her to do what I would advise every visitor to +Italy. I take it that you do not speak Italian. Never mind that; three +words will serve your purpose perfectly. When you are in an Italian +shop and you ask the price of an article you wish to buy, say to the man +'_Quanto_?' (how much?); as soon as he has named it, say '_Troppo_' (too +much). Then he will say something else. Just remark '_Mezzo_' (half +that), and then pay, and you will find that the shopkeeper has still 40 +or 50 per cent. profit. + +When I consider that women's-righters, as a rule, complain bitterly of +men for being of opinion that the only thing which young girls should +think about is to prepare to become one day good wives and mothers, I +believe that great credit should be given to them for having had the +idea of starting schools where young girls will be taught all the duties +of attentive mothers and economical wives. + + * * * + +I had the privilege of being present at one lecture on the training of +children, and among all the good things which I heard on the occasion I +will quote the following, which may be of great use, even to my English +readers. + +1. Never threaten children with punishments you may not be able or feel +inclined to carry out. Don't let your 'yea' mean 'nay,' nor your 'nay' +'yea.' You must never be fickle or wavering in your dealing with them, +but always firm, just, and reliable, though kind and indulgent. Don't +punish them, and then regret it, and afterwards fondle them as if to ask +for their pardon. If you do, you will run the risk of having your child +say to you: 'Ah, you see, mamma, you are sorry for what you have done. +Instead of scolding me, I think you ought to thank God for giving me to +you!' + +2. Don't make mountains of molehills, or be constantly down upon +children for little breaches of every-day discipline; don't be fidgety +and fussy. Never offer them a piece of candy, a bun, or an orange as a +reward for virtues, or as a bribe to cease being naughty. + +Then came a few pieces of advice of a higher order, and which I thought +were sound in their philosophy. Among these I cull the following: + +1. Do not expect your children to become a joy to you in your old age if +you have failed to be a joy to them in their early life and training. Do +not expect them to support you when you are old. You had a fair start of +them in life, and you should be able to provide for yourselves. They +will very likely have families of their own. Children are often sadly +thrown back through having to look after parents who, had they taken +time by the forelock, would have been able to look after themselves, and +to have given their children a nudge onward into the bargain. For that +matter, never have to be grateful to your children, except for the +happiness they may procure you by their affection and the successes +which they meet with in life, thanks to the education, money, advice, +and what not which you may have given to them. + +2. Don't let your vanity cheat you into the belief that your children +are wonders and exceptional phenomena, and that Nature's ordinary rules +are not applicable to them. + +In the nursery lecture on baby culture I retained two or three pieces of +advice which seemed to me remarkably good, although my ignorance would +not have enabled me to give them. Young mothers, please listen: + + 1. Don't squeeze your baby's head. + + 2. Never allow your child to go to bed in a bad temper. + + 3. Never encourage it to gaze into the fire, and never tell it + ghost stories, at night especially. + + 4. Do not allow a rocking-horse before the age of five. + + 5. Never startle a child by sudden shrieks or any other noises. + + 6. In fact, quiet and diet will be the making of a child strong + in mind and body. + +I could fill several pages of this book with all the good things I heard +on the occasion of my visit to that useful school. + +Maybe, one day such schools will be started in other countries. I +recommend this to the women's-righters of the United States. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + +THE WORST FEATURE OF WOMEN AS A SEX + + +Only a few days ago, while calling on a lady of my acquaintance, the +conversation fell on a lady singer whom the public admired and applauded +for many years, and whose private character made her also a great +favourite in society. She left the operatic stage a good many years ago, +and went on the concert platform under the management of her husband, +who was a well-known _impresario_. One day her voice failed her, and so +did her husband, who, realizing there was no more money in his wife, +thought that the best thing he could do now was to leave her. With this, +however, he was not satisfied. A so-called London society paper, having +published a paragraph to the effect that he had left his wife without +any provision, this unspeakable cur wrote to all the papers denying that +he had ever been married to that beautiful woman, who for years had +loved him, who had not only been faithful to him and devoted to him, but +had entirely supported him. + +People in England were so indignant that I remember the man had +immediately to leave all the clubs he was associated with, and that +the beautiful and talented woman, who had been so shamefully deceived, +inspired such keen sympathy that she was more than ever sought in +society, where her reputation was so firmly established that the letters +written to the papers could not put a stain on her character. In spite +of my reminding my lady friend of all the incidents of the case, the +only sympathy I could extract from her was the following remark, 'She +should have expected all this,' almost to the tune of, 'She only got +what she deserved.' Then, starting to philosophize, she added: 'A woman +should know that the man who wickedly wrongs her does not mean to marry +her; and if a woman will live with a man without being his wife, she +must be prepared to bear the consequences of her folly, and to be one +day left in the lurch.' + +'But,' I rejoined, 'do you mean to tell me that a woman who, purely out +of love, devotes her life to a man, has not a right to expect that man +to devote his life to her, to protect her, to make her future safe, and +all the more so because they are not married? I am afraid that what +makes those acts of desertion so frequent is the leniency shown by +society towards them, and the supreme contempt which women who are +legally married have for those who are not, and who are just as +respectable as they are, and very often a good deal more so.' + +I am in business with many people who always had such confidence in me, +and I such confidence in them, that there were never any contracts +signed between us, and I do not think they are more afraid of my +breaking my engagements with them, because they have not my signature, +than I am of their breaking their promise to me, because I have in my +hands no contract duly signed, stamped, and witnessed. + +Men who deceive men, who break with them contracts made only by word, +are ostracized from society. Why should men who deceive women be +received by it with open arms? + +There are men of honour in the world, thank Heaven! and if men are +expected to act honourably towards their fellow-men, can you explain to +me why women should be found who think it quite natural that these same +men should not behave honourably, not even decently, towards women who +have placed their trust in them to the extent of not exacting their +signature on a contract? + +The worst feature of women as a sex is the absence of free-masonry among +them. They stick together only for the redress of more or less imaginary +grievances; perhaps the only one really momentous to their sex--I mean +the desertion of trusting women by treacherous men--scarcely appeals to +them. The woman who has fallen through love and confidence will get no +sympathy from women, not even from the one who should give it to her--I +mean the one who has given herself to a man, not because she loved him, +but because he offered her money and matrimony. + +Women who have in hand a contract of marriage signed, stamped, and +witnessed, are so inexorable towards their sex that they will--I am +ashamed to say it for them--rather take the part of men betrayers than +that of poor women betrayed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + +IS HOMOEOPATHY A CURE FOR LOVE? + + +Since the publication of 'Her Royal Highness Woman' and 'Between +Ourselves,' some people, I am afraid, have somehow been under the +impression that I keep open a sort of Dr. Cupid's office, in which I +hold consultations on questions referring to love and matrimony; and I +have received many letters--far too many to answer--in which fair +correspondents in trouble have written for advice. + +Only quite recently I received a letter from a lady, who writes: 'I am +madly in love with a man whom I cannot marry, but whom I have to see on +business almost every day; what should I do to be cured? Should I marry +another man who is now seeking my hand, who can offer me a very good +position, but whom I do not love?' + +Now, here is a problem if you like: Can matrimony be administered as an +antidote? If so, in what doses? + +To tell you the truth, I rather believe in homoeopathy--that is to +say, in the cure of the like by the like. You want to be cured of your +love for a man--why, love another; it is as simple as possible. Yes, +but the lady tells me she cannot love that other, yet she seems +inclined to 'swallow' him as an antidote. At any rate, she suggests that +she might do so, and I suppose she wants me to tell her whether she is +likely to be successful, if the cure will be effective and lasting. + +Of course, there is more chance of happiness in a marriage which is +contracted between a man who loves a woman and a woman who does not love +him than in one contracted between a woman who loves a man and a man who +does not love her. Under the circumstances, a man, after entering +matrimonial life, is much more likely to win his wife's love than a +woman her husband's. I believe this to be so true as to be almost taken +for granted. + +But, my dear lady correspondent, are you going to tell that man honestly +on what terms you are going to marry him? Are you going to trust to his +intelligence, his tact, his love, his devotion, to win your affections? +And are you going to do your utmost to help him? Surely you are not +going to deceive him, let him think you love him, and prepare for him +and for yourself a life of misery and wretchedness, and thus build your +married life on contempt and deceit, which will lead you to hate your +husband. + +But enough of awful suppositions, for, between you and me, I can declare +that your case is much more hopeful than you think. The disease from +which you suffer--or, rather, from which you imagine that you +suffer--is quite curable, and is cured every day without having to +resort to such extreme measures as you suggest, for, dear lady, do you +not say to me that you love that man 'madly'? + +Fireworks, shells, volcanic eruptions, and mad love have this in common: +they may do harm, cause suffering, but they last a short time only. And, +pray, why do you see the man on business every day? Is he your +confessor, your doctor, your music-teacher, your dancing-master? Has a +royal escapade of recent date, like a 'penny dreadful,' created a +disturbance in your otherwise well-balanced mind? + +And why can't you marry him? Oh, I see, he is married already. + +Now, are you aware that we never fall in love madly except with people +whom we cannot marry? You say you did not know that. I tell you you have +no idea how simple your case is, and how common. + +By the way, would not, perchance, that man be the 'juvenile lead' who +acts in the romantic drama which is being played every day in your city? +Oh, you matinee girl! Are you aware that matinee girls invariably love +madly? Yes, as madly and as idiotically as do in the play the heroes +whom they worship. + +Now, do not take tragically, or even seriously, such little clouds as +'mad love.' Do not use big words for very little things. Mad love is the +easiest love to cure. Change your doctor or your dancing-master, or--if +I have otherwise guessed right--patronize another theatre. Go and see +'Hamlet'--that will cure you of 'Romeo.' + +Then look more carefully at that very sensible man who offers you +marriage and a good position, and if you realize that you can make him +happy, and you are sure you are not madly in love with him, marry him. +And if you study him very closely and discover in him qualities and +attainments that may lead you to fall in love with him madly, don't tell +him: he might believe you. + +Men are so silly! + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + +DOMESTIC TYRANTS AND THEIR POOR WIVES + + +The domestic tyrant has redeeming features. As a rule he does not beat +his wife. + +He feeds her well, clothes her decently, and is faithful to her. When +she is ill he sends for the doctor, and does not grumble unless her +convalescence should last too long. He does not want her to die, because +she consents to be his housekeeper without wages and allows him to get +out of her all the work that can possibly be extracted from one being +who does not claim the protection of the 'eight-hour' law. + +He has enough self-control to resist the temptation of insulting her. He +treats her coolly, patronizingly, and keeps her at a respectful +distance, lest she should take liberties with him. + +He is dull, solemn, conceited and selfish. When he joins the family +circle, wife and children have to be busy and silent, the only noise +allowed being the rustling of the newspaper he reads. He takes the lamp, +the only one on the table, and places it just behind his shoulder, so as +to light his paper well. His wife--poor cat! who has to see in the +dark--goes on with her sewing as best she can. The children remain +motionless and speechless until it is time to go to bed. Then they +smile, say good-night, and run away like culprits. + +When he goes out the children speak above a whisper, and the women of +the family breathe and express an opinion among themselves, an act of +audacity which they would never think of indulging in in his presence; +and life goes merrily until someone, with a face a yard long, rushes in +and announces 'Father is coming!' The domestic tyrant is invariably +called 'Father' by the wife as well as by the children, and the word is +spelt with a capital 'F,' and the 'a' is sounded as if there were a +dozen French circumflex accents on the top of it. + +The domestic tyrant is neither a lazy man nor a drunkard, nor anything +that is bad. On the contrary, he is a moral man. As a rule he does not +even smoke, and that is what makes him so powerful against reproach. +What can you say to a man who is steady, sober, intelligent, +hard-working, stingy perhaps, but asks forgiveness for that on the plea +that he has a large family to secure the future of? Outside of his house +he has a very good reputation; he is invariably called a good husband +and a good father. He invariably speaks well of his wife. Before +strangers, before friends and relatives, in her very presence, he will +sing her praises and extol her virtues, and will constantly repeat that +for industry he does not know a woman who could compete with her. That +is the way he encourages her in the path of duty. The domestic tyrant +is particularly great on duty, and when he and his wife are alone, and +there is nobody else to hear him, he tells her that he fulfils his +duties, and that surely he can expect 'females' to perform theirs. For +him, women are 'females.' His wife alone can tell you what he really is, +and on the subject this is the information you will receive from her: + +'I have to be his slave for twenty-four hours a day, work for him, +humour him, and, most especially, I must never complain of being ill, +or even mention that I am tired. I have never had from him a word of +pity, of condolence, or even of sympathy. I have never received +encouragements. I have never heard a word of praise from his lips. + +'On the other hand, it takes very little to discourage him and make him +lose his high spirits. If anything has gone wrong with his business +during the day, he comes home frowning, snarling, quarrelsome, looking +for more trouble and grievances. He does not use me as a consoling +companion in the hour of misfortune or as a comforter in moments of +annoyance. No; he looks upon me as a target at which he can aim all his +bitterness.' + +And she will tell you much more than that. She will probably tell you +that the larger the family gets, the more he is pleased, because it +gives her less and less chance of finding time to leave her home. + +He goes out when he likes, where he likes, and would never think of +asking her, 'Won't you come along?' You never see them out together. +Poor thing! life would be tolerable to her if they were never in +together. + +It would never enter the domestic tyrant's mind to ask his wife if she +is able to do her work alone, whether he can help her in this or that, +or simply inquire, in a sympathetic manner, whether she doesn't feel +tired after her day's work. + +If he should hear complaints from her he has a beautiful phrase ready +for an answer: 'What did my mother do? What did your mother do? I am +sure you are not worse off than they were.' + +This moral man, the domestic tyrant, is not uncommonly dyspeptic, and +bad digestion has been the cause of more unhappy marriages than all the +immorality of the world put together. + + + + +PART II + +RAMBLES IN MATRIMONY + + + + +CHAPTER I + +ADVICE TO YOUNG MARRIED PEOPLE + + +The great art, the great science of happiness, in matrimony especially, +is never to expect of life more than it can give. Therefore, prepare +your nest in such a way that the provisions will not be exhausted in a +few weeks. From the very beginning, put on the brake, or the car will go +too fast, and will get smashed. + + * * * * * + +Economize your caresses, rule your passions so as never to make more +promises than you can keep. You cannot always work unless now and then +you take a rest, a holiday; neither can you always love unless you +proceed quietly and occasionally take a holiday. Be sure that a holiday +is as necessary to make you enjoy blissful times as it is to make you +endure hard ones. + + * * * * * + +Do not for a moment believe that happiness in matrimony can go on for +ever and ever without calculation, without a great display of diplomacy +on the part of both husband and wife. Avoid being too constantly the +lover of your wife, because the lover-husband is such a revelation to a +woman that when the day arrives--the fatal day!--on which the husband +remains alone and the lover has ceased to exist, your wife will forget +everything you may have done for her: your constant attentions, your +assiduity to your profession or business, your forethought for her +future and that for her children--all that will count for nothing when +she realizes that the lover is gone. + + * * * * * + +Never allow a third person to interfere with your private affairs. Never +confide your little troubles and grievances to anybody. Beware of the +advising lady who would say to you: 'If I were in your place, I would +not allow him to do this or to do that.' First of all, she is not in +your place; secondly, she cannot be in your place, because she is +neither in your heart nor in that of your husband. + + * * * * * + +You are the best judge--in fact, you are the only judge--of what is best +for you to do in the presence of the many little difficulties that arise +in married life. Whether you are happy or unhappy, keep the secrets of +your married life to yourself; neither your happiness nor your +misfortune will cause you to increase the number of your friends. +Indeed, if you are perfectly happy, it is only by remaining silent +about it that you will get people to forgive you your happiness. + + * * * * * + +Accept a life of abnegation and devotion. There is in devotion a bliss +which is unsurpassed. Devotion is perhaps the most refined and lofty +form of selfishness; it raises you so much in your own estimation! It +enslaves so surely the hearts of those whom you love! Devotion is not a +sacrifice; it is a halo. + + * * * * * + +If I were a woman, I would give all the pleasures of life to witness the +smile of my husband on a sick-bed as I entered the room to come and sit +by his side with his hand in mine. In health, the man loves to feel that +he is the protector of his wife; in sickness, there is no such arbour +for him as the arms of the woman he loves. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +THE MATRIMONIAL PROBLEM + + +From inquiries which I have made right and left I have arrived at this +conclusion--that, out of a hundred couples who have got married, fifty +would like to regain their freedom after six months of matrimonial life, +twenty have come to the same opinion after a couple of years, ten more +after a longer period, and about twenty are satisfied, though, in the +last case, it often amounts to making the best of it. Not ten of them +spend their leisure time in returning thanks that they got +married--perhaps ten, but certainly not more. + +And I will add this--that, among my friends and acquaintances, the +couples who live most happily together are, without exception, those who +made up their minds to be married most quickly, and did not attempt, +during years and years of engagement, to try and learn how to know +something of each other. I do not give this as a piece of advice to +those about to marry. I simply state a fact, although I am prepared to +admit that long engagements have never been the proper way of preparing +for matrimony. + +In my opinion, the majority of marriages will have a chance of turning +out happily when the following will have become customs and laws: + +1. Before a man makes love to a woman with the intention of asking her +to become his wife, and before a woman allows a man to speak love to +her, certainly before she accepts his offer of matrimony, both will have +ascertained that there is no disease, moral or physical, of an +hereditary nature in either family; that the man has been a good and +devoted son, a cheerful brother, and an honest man in all his dealings, +well spoken of by his employers or his acquaintances; that the girl is +not an extravagant woman, and has, among her friends, the reputation of +being amiable, cheerful, and a favourite at home; that both will have +sufficient means to support themselves. + +I will go further. I will say that it should not only be a custom to +make inquiries about the antecedents of the parties, and their financial +position, but a law, and a strict law, too, that would prevent couples +from marrying who were likely to present society with undesirable +children, or become a burden to the community. I believe that no +emigrant is allowed to land in America who cannot prove that he +possesses some means of existence. No couples should be allowed to enter +the 'State of Union' who cannot prove that they possess means to support +themselves, and are healthy in mind and in body. + +2. Girls will be told, like in the past, that their destiny is to be +one day wives and mothers, but they will be intelligently prepared for +both noble vocations. They will come out of school able to keep a house, +cook a good, palatable meal, and make their own dresses. They will know +how to get their money's worth when they go a-shopping. They will have +learned how to attend to babies, and have played with live dolls. They +will have listened to, and profited by, lectures on hygiene. They will +know all these things, besides possessing the accomplishments which are +only meant to be dessert in matrimonial life. + +Boys who have never been once told that their destiny is to become one +day husbands and fathers will be prepared to be tolerably good ones. +They will be taught the consideration that man should always show to +woman. They will be taught to take off their hats to women and young +girls, and advised to do the same one day to their own wives when they +meet them. When they get to be eighteen or twenty, they will be informed +of women's characteristic traits. They will be told that a woman who +accepts an offer of matrimony does a man more honour than he conferred +on her by making the offer. + +When men and women shall by early training be made, the former less +selfish and conceited, the latter less frivolous and extravagant, the +chances of happiness in matrimony will be greatly increased. + +Still, the problem will not be solved. + +You will never prevent matrimony being a lottery. Take your ticket +and--your chance. + +After all, matrimony is like a mushroom. The only way to ascertain +whether it is the genuine article or poison that you have got is to +swallow it--and wait. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +WOMEN SHOULD ASSERT THEMSELVES IN MATRIMONY + + +A cynic once said that in this world men succeed through the qualities +which they do not possess. By this he meant to say that to cope with the +pushing crowd, you must not be too scrupulous, or you will let everybody +pass before you. + +A worse cynic, one of the blackest type and deepest dye, went as far as +to say: 'The way to succeed is to have unbounded impudence, popular +manners, absence of scruple, and complete ignorance of everything.' + +But, then, take it for granted that this cynic was only a disappointed +failure. You will constantly hear the man who has failed in life +exclaim: 'Oh, if I had not always wished to remain perfectly honest, I +could have succeeded like many others I know.' + +Just as you hear women who fail to get engagements on the stage or the +concert platform remark: 'If I had had no objection to obtaining +engagements in the way some women do, I would have made my mark--but I +am not one of that sort.' + +At the risk of appearing paradoxical, and even cynical, I will venture +to say that in love, and in matrimony especially, certain great +qualities are more detrimental to the happiness of women than many of +their defects. And if this is a correct statement, to what shortcoming +of man are we going to attribute it? + +I know that on reading this some women will exclaim: 'Shame on you to +say such a thing!' Very well, will you listen to me? Look around you, +among all your circles of friends and acquaintances, of relatives even, +and tell me if, as a rule, the young girl who is vain, selfish, +coquettish, a flirt even, has not better chances of marriage, and is not +sought after rather than the simple, unaffected, devoted, intellectual +girl? Tell me if the bumptious rose does not generally carry the day +over the modest, retiring violet?' + +Of course, I know that you will say to me, 'You may be right; men--I +mean most men--are caught, like mackerel, by shining bait; but when a +man is married, surely he is not slow to recognise which of the two is +the right one to have as a wife, and to appreciate all the qualities and +virtues of the second one.' + +Well, you are wrong--wrong as can be. Look around you again, study now +the married couples that you know, and you will have to confess that the +wife who is coquettish, frivolous, clever, will know how to make herself +respected, and even feared, by her husband much more than the other. + +That husband will pay to her his best attentions, will be proud of her, +and will work like a slave in order to meet all the expenses required +for the adornment of her beauty without once venturing to make a +remark. + +I tell you that if I had a marriageable daughter, whom I wanted to get +rid of, I would tell her to put all her retiring ways in the cloak-room +and to assert herself, and, after the wedding ceremony, I would whisper +in her ears: + +'My dear child, never make yourself the slave of your husband; be good, +faithful and devoted to him, but do not forget that man is a strange +animal, who seldom appreciates what he does not pay for. In this respect +men are like those people who listen breathlessly to music in a hall or +theatre where they have paid a guinea for their seats, and who, as +guests in a drawing-room, take the very best music as a signal for +entering into general conversation. If you want your husband to listen +to your music, make him pay for his seat.' + +The poor little woman who follows to the letter all the lectures she has +heard on matrimony, at home and at church wedding ceremonies, will soon +find the irreparable mistake she has made. In this role of devoted slave +she will lose her beauty, her intelligence, her very mind, and will +wither rapidly. + +Devoting herself, body and soul, forgetting herself always in order to +increase the welfare of her husband she will work, wear herself out, +until, when her beauty is gone, her husband will feel for her nothing +but indifference, if not, alas! sometimes contempt. + +If one of the two must endure a privation in order that the other may +have more comfort, it should be the man, always the man: first, because +hard work and privations do not hurt a man as they can hurt a woman, +physically and mentally; secondly, because a woman is far more apt to +appreciate self-abnegation in a man than a man in a woman. + +All this does not mean that men are all brutes--no; although it must be +admitted that there is something brutal in their very nature which is +ever fascinated by what is piquant, and never excited by a devotion +which they feel is, above all, the duty of the stronger toward the +weaker. + +Let women gently, diplomatically, but firmly, assert themselves on the +very threshold of matrimony, or all the concessions which they make at +the beginning will soon be considered by their husbands as their due. In +matrimonial life, as in the government of nations, you can never take +back concessions or privileges granted too quickly and without enough +consideration. + +Women who start married life as slaves will never be able to assert +themselves or enjoy the slightest influence over their husbands; and +bear in mind that no marriage has ever proved to be happy where the +influence of woman, though sweet and gentle, has not been paramount. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--I + + +I have many times been asked the question, Who are the best subjects for +matrimony? I believe (kindly mark that I do not say I am sure) that the +best subjects for matrimony are people with simple tastes, equable +tempers, no very great aspirations, satisfied with doing little and +being little. These, at all events, are the kind of people most likely +to be happy in matrimony, far more likely than, say, for instance, the +'intellectuals,' who are ever in search of the pathway that leads to the +higher walks of life, who have ambitions to satisfy and many inducements +to divert their minds from the peaceful ways of contentment and happy +matrimony. Little things please little minds, and those couples, whom we +have all met in life, who know nothing, who dream of nothing above what +they have got, who are perfect mutual admiration societies, are the best +subjects for matrimony. These people, snoring under the same curtain, +eating out of the same plate, as it were, having the same tastes, +persuaded that no one is blessed with such children as they have, +satisfied with all they do, sure that the religion they follow is the +only true one in the world, spend a peaceful and happy life in the +exchange of familiarities which, for them, constitute love. They respect +and enjoy each other; they echo each other's sentiments; and their +beings are coupled together, trotting along, like two dogs well looked +after. Their discussions at home are never on any higher questions than +whether green peas are better with duck than Brussels sprouts. They are +cheerful, smiling. She calls him Smith or Brown, and he never speaks of +her but as 'my good lady.' Before the children they call each other +'father' and 'mother.' They may be grocers, fruiterers--I don't care +what they are; they are happy, perfect subjects for matrimony. + + * * * + +What divers and strange unions are sanctioned by matrimony, to be sure! +By the side of resigned couples, harnessed together and painfully +dragging the plough, those who have never been able to understand each +other, through want of space, because they were too near to make proper +observations; those who, alas! understand each other too well; sweet, +amiable women of poetic dispositions, chained to matter-of-fact, brutal +men; honest, saving, hard-working men fastened for life to silly, +thoughtless, extravagant women; romantic women married to men who see no +difference between Vesuvius in eruption and the smoking chimneys of +Pittsburg or Birmingham; women of a keen, humorous disposition living +with dullards unable to see a joke; Wagnerians having for wives women +who prefer the music of 'The Casino Girl' to that of 'Lohengrin': +almost everywhere tragedy or comedy. + + * * * + +Matrimony is a very narrow carriage. If you want to be comfortable in it +you have to be careful, or one will soon be in the way of the other. To +put yourself to a little inconvenience now and then is the only way of +making the other comfortable. To believe that love alone, without +careful study, will resist all the shocks and will be all the more +durable that it is ardent is the greatest mistake one can make in the +world. Violent passion may be compared to Hercules, who might have +enough strength to raise a palace on his shoulders, but not enough to +stand a cold in his head. It is the thousand and one little drawbacks of +matrimonial life that undermine it. Love will survive a great +misfortune, but will be killed by the little miseries of conjugal +partnership. In matrimony it is the little things that count and which, +added up, make a terrible total. The waning love of a wife will not be +revived by the present of a thousand pound pair of ear-rings, but it may +be kept up by the daily present of a penny bunch of violets, which +reminds her that you think of her every day of your life. It is not the +great sacrifices that appeal to her as do constant little concessions. +Many men would sacrifice their lives who would not give up smoking or +their too frequent visits to their clubs for their wives. Many women +will be the incarnation of devotion and self-abnegation who will not do +their hair as their husbands beg them to. + + * * * + +Surely matrimony ought to procure happiness, for the greatest bliss on +earth should be to love in peaceful security with the guarantee of the +morrow. Matrimony is all right. So are the symphonies of Beethoven--when +they are performed by orchestras who play in time and in tune. + +The worst--indeed, the only serious--drawback to matrimony is that it is +an everyday meal which, palatable as it may be, runs the risk of +becoming insipid, and of making fastidious the people who have to +partake of it. True, but then let people who are intelligent and +thoughtful supply seasoning which will whet the appetite and combat +Habit, that demon which is their deadliest enemy. + +It is folly, rank folly, to believe that it is wise, even prudent, to +exhaust all at once the sum of happiness, illusion, and love with which +one enters the state of matrimony, and to give one's self body and soul +until, soon satiated and by-and-by tired of each other, both will turn +their heads away in disgust, and may, later on, lose them in despair. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--II + + +There was a time, and I can remember it myself, when men as well as +women wore wedding-rings. It was, I think, a very pretty custom. The +wedding-ring ought to be worn by both husband and wife, not only as a +constant reminder of faith sworn, but also as a talisman; it should be a +cherished jewel given to the husband by the wife, as well as one given +to the wife by the husband, and given in each case with a loving, +earnest kiss impressed upon it. The wedding-ring is such a priceless +jewel in the eyes of loving women that I have heard of some who became +insane on losing it. Why should it not be priceless in the eyes of a man +who loves his wife? + + * * * + +Every time that two beings who live together are not of the same opinion +or of the same taste, a concession on the part of the one or of the +other has to be made, or trouble will follow. This is a rule without +exception. In conjugal parlance Concession is another name for Duty. +Concessions should even be made in everyday conversation, and long +discussions most carefully and invariably avoided. Discussions are +generally useless; they never lead to conviction, and may cause you to +run a dangerous risk--that of losing your control over your good temper. +In a wild desire to prove that he is right, a man will blurt out words +that he will be sorry to have uttered, betray thoughts which he always +meant to keep to himself, and when the discussion is over those words +remain and the harm is done. + +The moment a discussion takes too lively a form, one of the two should +have enough self-control to stop adding fuel to it and remain silent, +even at the risk of letting the other suppose that his (or her) +arguments are unanswerable. Of course, this silence should be kind, +discreet; not that odious silence of ill-assorted couples, which is a +silence of disgust and hatred. If both man and wife are quick-tempered +and unable to avoid a heated discussion, they should leave off at once; +they should even separate and go, he to light a cigar in his library or +in the garden, she to touch her piano or take up a novel, until both +have forgotten all about it. + + * * * + +A mistake made by a great many married couples is to avoid speaking of +money matters. But the most loving couples cannot altogether live on +love and the air of the atmosphere; it is not given to all of them--in +fact, it is given to only very few of them--to spend without having to +count. A man and a wife are two friends, two partners, who should +constantly hold pleasant little committee meetings of two in order to +discuss all matters of pecuniary interest and balance their budget of +receipts and expenditure. Once a week at least, they should employ an +hour in this way, hand in hand, like the best of friends. Thus it is +that by mutual confidence each will encourage the other to think of the +future, and little by little both will soon find themselves possessing +the nucleus of a small fortune, in which they will take more and more +interest, and which one day, to their surprise, will be found quite snug +and bearing an interest that will add considerably to their annual +revenue. + +A married woman should never consent to receive so much a week for +household expenses, so much a month for her dress, and to be treated, so +to speak, as a dependent person. It should be left to her to decide +whether, considering what the financial situation is, she can afford two +new hats or one only. The suggestion, much less the order, should not +come from her husband, but from herself. + +I like the French system, where a man consults his wife in all important +matters of financial interest, such as the investment of savings, etc.; +but from the day she is married, the French wife begins to be taught by +her husband the details of his profession or business, and the best and +safest investments of the day, and she immediately and invariably is +appointed by him secretary of the treasury--among the masses of the +people, anyway--and that is why I have not the least hesitation is +asserting the fortune of France is so stable and steady. It is because, +thanks to the influence of the wife, French families have their money +invested in the safest Government securities. So long as they can work, +they are satisfied with a very small interest for their capital, in +order to be quite sure that when the days of rest will become a +necessity, that capital will be there to keep them, if not in wealth, at +all events in comfort and complete independence. + + * * * + +When married couples have nothing better to do, they should amuse +themselves making all sorts of plans for the future. They should plan +journeys to distant countries, build castles in the air, buy country +houses, and consult each other and decide how they shall furnish them +and lay out the grounds. These plans are like barricades--they mask the +future; besides, they cause you amusement and cost nothing. And--who +knows?--among those many plans perhaps there will be one of your +predilections that you will actually be able to realize. What happens +then? Plans are akin to caresses--they go together hand in hand; they +are the gratuitous pleasures of sweet intimacy. + + * * * + +Young married people should avoid being too demonstrative, not only in +public, but in private, in the first years especially. They should +constantly remember that they enter the state of matrimony with a +certain capital of love. They must not squander that capital, but live +on the interest of it only. + + * * * + +There are young people who too often feel the want of manifesting their +love by exaggerated proofs of tenderness, such as the administration to +each other of names of birds and pet quadrupeds, of showers of kisses, +of little pats on the face. The exaggerated frequency of such acts +produces a reaction, and often a slight sensation of enervation, that +should never be born of caresses. And as these outward shows of love run +the risk of diminishing in number and fervour, there is danger of their +thus becoming a sign or a proof of decline in tenderness. + +In public these demonstrations are ridiculous and vulgar; they put other +people ill at ease, who smile and sneer, and even remark, 'They will +soon get over it.' + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +RAMBLES ABOUT MATRIMONY--III + + +To marry a beautiful woman for the mere love of her beauty is to +undertake to dwell in a country that has a temperature of 100 in the +shade without being provided with clothes that will enable you to stand +a winter of 50 below zero when it comes. + + * * * + +In the relations between men and women it is, after all, beauty that +makes woman particularly attractive to man. For this reason, the love of +a man is more sensual, more jealous, than that of a woman, which is more +affectionate, more confiding, and more faithful. As a rule, the passion +of a husband goes on diminishing as that of his wife goes on increasing. +A man exacts of his wife her first love; a woman exacts of her husband +his last. Only the select few can manage their matrimonial affairs with +such clever diplomacy as to make these different elements of happiness +and sources of danger work together with success. + + * * * + +Married people would live more happily together if they could now and +then forget that they are tied together for life. Any little scene that +may help them to forget it should be enacted by them. + + * * * + +Happiness in matrimony is more solid when it is founded on friendship +through thick and thin than when it is merely on love. + + * * * + +In love a moment of bliss is nothing; it is only the morrow which +purifies and sanctifies it. How many married couples would be happy if +they would only think of the morrow! + + * * * + +The husband who knows how to always keep something in store for his wife +has solved the great problem of happiness in matrimonial life. + + * * * + +Cupid introduces men and women into that enclosure which is called +matrimony, and then discreetly and almost immediately retires. What a +pity it is he does not make their acquaintance later, in order to remain +with them for ever! + + * * * + +Marriages would be very much happier if women preferred marrying men who +love them to those whom they love. + + * * * + +Matrimony would be a glorious institution if women would take as much +care of themselves for their husbands as they do when they expect guests +at their dinner-parties and receptions. + + * * * + +Women should devote all their best attentions to learning how to grow +old in time and gradually, and in remembering that tears make them +unattractive, and angry looks hideous. + + * * * + +One of the greatest dangers to happiness in matrimony is not want of +love, but too much of it, at the beginning especially. Love dies of +indigestion more quickly than of any other disease. Never satiate your +wife--or your husband--with love. Do not live on L10,000 the first year +of your married life, and be obliged to reduce your income by L1,000 or +L2,000 every year. Begin gently, quietly, and let your revenue, like +your love, slowly but steadily increase. There lies your only chance. +With self-control you have it at your disposal. + + * * * + +All vocations require preparation and apprenticeship. Matrimony is the +only one which men and women can enter into without knowing anything +about it. Alas! + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE START IN MATRIMONY, AND ITS DANGERS + + +In matrimony it is not 'All is well that ends well'; it is 'All is well +that begins well, but not too well.' Starting from this principle, I +have often advised young husbands to control themselves, and to be +careful to avoid putting all their smartest dialogue and strongest +situations in the first act of the comedy of matrimony, for fear lest +the interest should go on flagging steadily to the end. + +I have advised them to see that their wives do not get their own way in +everything at once, and not to make themselves their abject slaves, +because, just as no government has ever been known to successfully +suppress, or even reduce, any liberty or privilege previously granted to +the people, just so will no husband be able to recover one inch of the +ground he has surrendered if he capitulates on the threshold of +matrimony. + +In fact, let young husbands and young wives behave toward each other in +such a way that their friends will not smile and say: 'Lovely, but too +good to last, I'm afraid.' + +The dangers against which I have attempted to warn men exist for +women--devoted, loving women who wish to start matrimony by trying to do +the impossible in order to please their husbands, or, if not the +impossible, at all events, what it may not be in their power to do for +ever, or even for a long time. + +One of these dangers is that of economy. + +'My dear,' remarked a shrewd friend to a bride of a few weeks' standing, +'you will make a terrible mistake if you let your husband think that you +can keep house on nothing.' + +Young wives are sometimes pitifully anxious to be credited with +remarkable cleverness as house-mistresses. The more they love their +husbands, the less they like the idea of their toiling and moiling. +Hence they are keenly anxious to prove themselves helpmeets in the +literal sense of the word. + +Not only will they name a far smaller sum as housekeeping money than +their husbands can well afford to give them, but they will actually save +out of that sum enough for their own clothes and petty cash expenses. + +All this self-sacrifice is not only charming, but beautiful, when there +is necessity for rigid economy. Young couples who wisely marry on small +incomes, instead of wasting the sweetness of their youth over an endless +engagement, must make a study of ways and means, and the wife who will +cajole a shilling into doing duty for a five-shilling piece is a jewel +beyond price. + +Again, when times are bad, when the bread-winner falls ill, and the +treasury runs dry, there is no more pathetic and lovely sight than the +brave little wife who struggles and succeeds in keeping the wolf out of +the house. + +But in instances where no serious demand of this kind need be made upon +a wife's ingenuity, she is a very short-sighted woman indeed who does +not see the dangers and realize the evils of overzealous economy. + +There would be fewer complaints of marriages that result in the wife +being merely an unpaid servant or housekeeper, who cannot give notice to +leave, if brides began as they meant to go on, for no one save those who +have lived through the process knows how difficult it is to introduce a +new regime when once its opposite had been inaugurated and accepted. + +'You said you would find L3 10s. a week ample a month ago. Why in the +world do you want L5 now?' asks the husband, whose wife has been +foolishly anxious to impress him with her cleverness as an economist, +and finds she cannot keep up the farce beyond the limit of a few weeks. + +Economy may be carried too far from choice. There are women who simply +love saving. They neglect their intellectual life, and abandon all +attempts to keep in the movement, all in order to grind down the weekly +bills. No reward awaits them. + +The women who believe themselves perfect because they are economical, +and consider the spring-cleaning of their house the greatest event of +the year, grow old before their time, and are never the companions +modern wives should be to their husbands. + +Be good, but never overdo it, I will say to any woman who has the sense +of humour. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +'OMELETTE AU RHUM' + + +When you are dining with an intimate friend, and an _omelette au rhum_ +is served, what do you do? Without any ceremony, you take a spoon, and, +taking the burning liquid, you pour it over the dish gently and +unceasingly. If you are careless, and fail to keep the pink and blue +flame alive, it goes out at once, and you have to eat, instead of a +delicacy, a dish fit only for people who like, or are used to have, +their palates scraped by rough food. If you would be sure to be +successful, you will ask your friend to help you watch the flame, and +you will even ask him to lift the omelette gently so that the rhum may +be poured all over it until the whole of the alcohol contained in the +liquor is burned out. + +This _omelette au rhum_ is a fairly good symbol of matrimony. + +In the earliest stage of married life the eggs have just been broken, +beaten, and strewn with sugar, a light has been set, and everything is +burning and perfectly beautiful. The young partakers of the matrimonial +repast are intoxicated with their new life, their new emotions, their +new sensations; they require no indulgence toward each other, no +special cleverness or diplomacy to please each other; there are no +concessions to make--neither of them can go or do wrong; the flame burns +of itself. + +I do not mean to say that the flame can be kept burning for ever and +ever--alas! no, not any more than life can be made to eternally animate +your body. The flame must go out one day, as some illness must one day +end your life. But, just as hygiene teaches how to keep our good health +prolonged by precautions of all sorts, just so does common-sense, aided +by diplomacy and skill, help us to keep alive the flame of love between +the man and the woman who have kindled it. + +And let no woman accuse me of manly conceit if I say that, clever and +attentive as the man must be, the woman has to be more clever and +attentive still, and that simply because it is a fact--an uncontradicted +fact (call it psychological if you like, or physiological if you +prefer)--that the love or passion of a woman goes on naturally +increasing in married life, whereas that of a man goes on just as +gradually and steadily decreasing. + +In marriage the flame of love has been known to keep long alive through +the intelligence of the wife, and even without any effort in that +direction on the part of the husband; but the contrary has never been +known to be successful. + +Woman is a divine delicacy who has to tempt the appetite of man; but the +most exquisite delicacy may become insipid if served every day with the +eternally same sauce. This is plain common-sense, and let me tell you +this: that no married life (not one) has a shadow of chance to be happy +for long unless the woman clearly understands and quickly realizes that, +if moral duties are the same for men and women, Nature has made their +temperaments absolutely different. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +COQUETRY IN MATRIMONY + + +No coquetry in matrimony? Who is the Philistine who dares utter such +blasphemy? Good heavens! if half the curling-pins, which are used by +women at night in order to be beautiful the following day and attract +the attention and admiration of strangers, were used by them in the +morning, so that they might be beautiful the same day, and draw the +attention and admiration of their husbands, there would be happiness in +matrimony, and the world would go much better than it does. + +The greatest, the most dangerous enemy of happiness in matrimony is +habit which engenders monotony. You get too much accustomed to each +other, and love fades, as a flower which falls off its stem before it +has lived its natural life, owing to some insect which destroys it. + +That insect in matrimony is habit, which devours everything without your +being aware of its presence. Destroy that insect before it has had time +to do any harm, and you will have saved your dual happiness. + +A grave error committed by many women is to believe that they must look +their best for the friends, acquaintances and strangers who visit them, +but that they need not take much trouble for their husbands. + +But the fact is that a woman ought to ever appear before her husband +at her very best, whether it is in a morning negligee or in a full +afternoon or evening toilette. + +Your husband, my dear lady, ought to see in you more than he could see +in any other woman. All comparisons ought to be to your advantage. It is +not at all necessary that you should have an expensive gown on at +breakfast-time. Your hair well fixed, and a nice-fitting dressing-gown +may make you look as attractive as a beautiful ball-dress. + +It is not clothes that make a woman fascinating; it is the way she puts +them on. + +In fact, never allow yourself to be seen by your husband in any other +state than that in which you would allow yourself to be seen by the male +portion of your acquaintances, not even in illness. As long as your +strength permit, remain coquettish and jealous of your appearance. Yes, +I say, even on a sick-bed. + +The part you have to play consists in spraying a perfume of poetry +around you. Fill your husband with remembrances of you, so that, even +when you are not visible, you are present before his eyes. + +Allow him the most complete liberty, and never ask him questions on what +he has done, where he has been. + +Take it for granted that he has done nothing which he should not have +done, that he has been nowhere where he should not have been, and it is +that perfect confidence which you show you have in him that will always +keep him in the path of faithfulness, unless he is, which is only +exceptional, an absolutely bad man. + +If clouds are gathering over your happiness, it is for you women to +clear them away. You are the guardian angels of the home, which is your +kingdom. If you have trials, strain every nerve to appear smiling, and +if sometimes tears stifle you, shed them in secret, even should the +cause of your trial be the inconstancy of your husband. + +You will not bring him back to you with reproaches, tears and scenes. +You will thus keep him away for good. Remember that Nature, which has +treated you so ungenerously, makes you ugly when you weep and hideous +when you make a scene. + +You will bring back an erring husband by your kindness, your sweetness, +your devotion, and your intelligence. The only infallible way to get a +husband attached to you is to let him believe that you never suspected +him, much less accused him, even when he was guilty. Call to your aid +whatever resources are at your disposal--resources of intelligence, of +beauty, of abnegation--and, if your husband is not a brute, he will +return to you, and he will be all the more ashamed of the way in which +he neglected you for a time that, by your behaviour, you seem to +consider he had never for a day ceased to love you. + +Never make an allusion to the fatted calf which you killed on the +return of the prodigal heart. Be as merciful in your victory as you were +in your temporary defeat. + +Do not be satisfied with forgiving; forget, and make him forget +everything. Use scales: on one side place his years of devotion to you, +his industry, his forethought in securing your future and that of your +children; on the other his faults; and even if these scales should +incline to remain horizontal, with a gentle touch of your finger make +them go down in favour of what he has done for you. + +The supreme coquetry of a woman is to know how to reign, even when her +husband governs. Her very weakness is the best weapon in her hands. Her +husband should be the motive of all her actions. Before thinking of +appearing beautiful to the indifferent, she should think of appearing +beautiful to her husband. + +If she is admired, she should feel proud of it for his sake, and make +him understand that only crumbs are for strangers; that he alone is +invited to the whole meal of her beauty, her love, her boundless +devotion. + +And let me add that there is not, in this chapter, a single word of +advice which I give to women in their dealings with husbands which I do +not endorse and give to men in their dealings with their wives. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +RESIGNATION IN MATRIMONY + + +According to characters and circumstances, resignation is the virtue of +the weak or the virtue of the strong. A woman resigns herself to her +fate in married life, sometimes because she has not enough strength of +will, sometimes because she does not deign to revolt, oftener still +because she discovers that her rebellion could only make matters worse +for herself, and especially for her children. + +If her husband is good, her resignation will soon bring him back to her; +if he is bad, her rebellion will make him much worse. + +If you cannot sympathize with your husband, or adopt his views and +manner of thinking, resign yourself, keep your views for yourself, and +do not transform your married life into an eternal French public +meeting, where, instead of striking pebbles together in order to obtain +light, they throw them at one another's faces. + +Fulfil your duties. Never complain. Never exact what is not offered to +you, unless it be respect. So long as your husband treats you with +respect, at home as well as in public; so long as he is the thoughtful +father of your children, and carefully and industriously attends to his +profession or business, respect him and inspire in your children the +respect for him, and especially do not make your children the confidant +of your grievances; that is your foremost duty. + +I cannot say to you: Try to force yourself to love your husband. This is +not in your power. But I will say: Be irreproachable, and thus make +yourself the superior of your husband. Devote yourself to your family. +If you are rich, do with your money all the good that you can. The +greatest possession is self-esteem. You can rise so high that the +offences committed against you may appear infinitely small. After all, +we get in this world the place that we know how to make for ourselves. + +Never let the outside public know the details of your private life. +Receive your friends and your guests with a smile on your lips. If your +husband is a gentleman, he will show you before them the greatest +consideration, and if you are a lady you will treat him in a like +manner. + +If your husband is unable to offer you his love--I mean a lover's +love--do not commit the mistake of refusing his friendship, for it is +just possible that this man, who has not in him the power to love you as +a lover, would still be ready to give his life for you. + +He would certainly be still ready to give it for his children, _your_ +children. Surely that friendship is worth having. Of course, the young +wife, who discovers after only a few years of marriage that the dream of +love has vanished, is to be pitied, supposing that it has not been +through her fault that the dream has had such a short life; but the +woman who for twenty or more years has had a faithful lover-husband is +conceited and ridiculous beyond measure when she does not almost +cheerfully resign herself to the inevitable crisis in matrimony; and if +she has children that she takes in her confidence, and thus estranges +from their father, her vanity is not very far from criminal. At all +events, she deserves the sympathy of no one. + +Resign yourself to the inevitable. Let the days of love, happiness, and +devotion count in the final reckoning, and, in turning over a new leaf, +be sure you bring forward devotion, and soon happiness may have to be +added again. + +Put on a cheerful face always, and remember that it pays to excite envy, +never to excite pity. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +TIT FOR TAT + + +There is more joy in heaven, we are told, for one sinner who repents +than for a hundred righteous people who keep straight on the narrow ways +of salvation. + +And, I should add, there must be more joy in hell for one good man who +goes wrong than for a hundred sinners who persevere in their wicked +ways. + +There should be more joy in the heart of a woman for a man who remains +in love with her than for a hundred others whose admiration she may +obtain. + +There are some women who may love a man ever so much, and be loved by +him to their hearts' content, who will use all their artillery to bring +down strangers to their feet, but who will make little or no effort to +look their best for the man who loves them and is devoted to them. For +such women their beauty is an altar erected to unknown gods. + +Married life would be an everyday bliss and an eternal one if men never +thought of doing to or before their wives what they would never dream of +doing to or before any ladies of their acquaintance, and, of course, if +women did the same; but such is not always, even often, the case. Hence +the trouble. + +How many men have taken their wives to a ball, women whose radiant +beauty and brilliant toilettes have caused the admiration of all men +present, and also the envy of many women? + +How many men have felt that, if the said wives had made as much +preparation for them as they had for all the strangers present at that +ball, they could have fallen at their feet and worshipped them? + +On returning home, however, Madame has immediately retired to her room, +ordered her maid to quickly remove and pack away the lovely attire, and, +an hour later, prepared for the night's rest, she appeared before her +husband with her hair all prepared for the next day, her hands carefully +gloved so that they may be as white as snow--also for the next day--and +wrapped up and as inaccessible as a valuable clock that is going to be +shipped to the other end of the world. + +That is the lot of many men--may I not even say of most husbands? Then a +bold husband will venture to make some remarks. He will say, 'Now, my +dear, I hear you practise your scales and exercises, but seldom do you +treat me to a piece of music, which I only hear when I have guests or we +go out. Everyone--at the ball--has admired your beautiful hair and your +lovely gown, but for me, all I see is hairpins and curlers and a +dressing-gown.' + +And Madame will answer more or less sourly, 'Is it because I am your +wife that I must grow ugly? Do you want my hair to fall over my neck and +shoulders to-morrow like weeping willows? Do you want my hands to be red +and chappy? Are you sorry I am careful of my clothes and have them put +away, well folded in tissue-paper, when I have no need of them? + +'Do you reproach me for doing you honour and being at the same time +careful? Will you tell me, is there any way to please you? And do you +think that, after enjoying herself and receiving compliments during a +whole evening, it is very pleasant for a woman to return home and hear +nothing but rebuffs, reproaches and the like?' + +The poor man feels he is beaten, that he is a brute, and he says nothing +more, until one night when it is time to retire, he prepares a surprise +for his wife. + +'What's all this?' exclaims the wife when she realizes what has +happened. + +'Nothing, dear,' he replies. 'To tell you the truth, I go hunting +to-morrow morning, and I shall have to rise very early. My hunting-boots +are new, and in the morning my feet are always a little swollen, so I +keep them on to save trouble. You must excuse my spurs, too, dear, but I +prefer these, which are fastened to the boots. I shall be most +comfortable to-morrow.' + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +THE IDEAL HUSBAND + + +There are qualities which most women admire in men, and there are +qualities which practically every man admires in all women; but if you +were to ask of a hundred men, 'What is the ideal wife?' and of a hundred +women, 'What is the ideal husband?' you would get a hundred opinions all +different one from the other. + +_Quot capita, tot sensus_, which, in the case of women, I should like to +translate, 'So many pretty heads, so many different opinions.' This, +however, is as it should be. Only there remains that terrible problem +for every man and woman to solve: Find your ideal if you can, and when +you think you have found it, see that you are not disappointed. + +I have of late interviewed a good many Parisiennes on the subject, and I +will give some of the answers which I have received. + +One said to me: 'The ideal husband is the one who devotes his life to +his wife, who makes her the first consideration in all his thoughts and +acts, who understands that she is the aim of everything which he +undertakes, and that he should use all the resources that Nature has +placed in his mind and Fortune has put in his hands in order that she +may be happy and remain long beautiful.' + +I need not say that this was the opinion of a young girl who had only +just made her debut in society. Nor do I need say that the following +came from the lips of a married woman--one, however, whom I guarantee to +be in the possession of all the womanly virtues likely to make a husband +most satisfied with his lot. + +'The ideal husband,' she said, 'is the one who lets his wife alone, who +does not interfere with her household duties or any of her little +womanly fads, who is not always paying her compliments or besieging her +with advice, and who is not always by her side or behind her back, who +seldom addresses her reproaches, and never reminds her of what he has +done to deserve her gratitude, who is not fussy, fidgety, or a bore of a +model of propriety and virtue. + +'When I was a young girl I dreamed of matrimony as a sweet state of +slavery. Now I shout for liberty--liberty for him and liberty for me. I +do not mean to say, of course, that man and wife should live apart and +not care one what the other does. No, no; but I firmly believe that we +should remain at a respectful distance from the objects which we want to +see to advantage and admire. + +'A woman should never allow even the most loving and beloved of husbands +to be constantly making love to her. One may suffer from abundance of +wealth. A great deal of discretion and a certain amount of respect +between married people are sure to secure the duration and the solidity +of their affection. Those who live at too close quarters are sure to +part one day or the other.' + +Here is another, with less philosophy, but a good deal of what I might +call paradoxical psychology: + +'The ideal husband,' said to me a woman married to a French painter on +the road to celebrity, 'is the one who is not a man of genius. Nothing +monopolizes a man like a great talent for writing, painting, or even +business; he belongs to his muse, his art, or his figures. His thoughts +are absorbed, and he has very few, if any, left for the little creature +who lives with him, not in the clouds, but by his side on this earth. + +'When he returns from his dreams, he throws at her--poor inferior +being!--a glance of pity, if not of contempt. My ideal husband is a man +who can live for me as I am ready to live for him, and who can do +without a mistress, whether that mistress be called Literature, Art, or +Commerce. I love great men, great poets, great painters or sculptors, +but I would not have a great man for a husband; nay, furthermore, I +should like to have a husband jealous of all the great men of my +predilection in the world of fiction.' + +A piquant little woman, not a bit beautiful, but absolutely charming and +the embodiment of amiability and cheerfulness, said to me: + +'The ideal husband shall not be a handsome man, but a gentlemanly one, +with a keen sense of humour, cheerful, a laughing philosopher, and a man +with a magnanimous turn of mind, who would never take advantage of a +little trouble in which I might find myself entangled to say to me, "I +told you so," but get me out of it quickly.' + +Of course, all my fair friends, without exception, have insisted on the +ideal husband being indulgent, generous, manly, sincere, loyal, and +above middle height. Strange to say that none of them ask him to be +handsome, much less insist on it. One of them even went so far as to +say: + +'A husband should not be handsome. First of all he is never very +beautiful, since he is a man. But he might be worse; he might think he +is beautiful, and then Heaven help his wife!' + +'The ideal husband,' remarked a lady, 'is a man who should never be +ridiculous, never make a fool of himself, and never for a moment believe +that women took notice of him. A woman's love may survive any defect in +her husband, but ridicule never.' + +The fact is that words or acts of a man ridiculous enough to make his +wife wish she were a mile deep under the floor will lower him so much in +her estimation that she will never be able to look up to him again; and +no woman has ever been known to drop her love--she sends it up always. I +will conclude with the opinion of an American lady: + +'The ideal husband should never part with any of his most refined +manners in his home, where he should endeavour ever to appear at his +best, in dress, language, and behaviour, in the presence of his wife, +who is his queen.' + +I expected as much from her supreme and magnificent majesty, Mrs. +Jonathan, Queen of the United States. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +MARRYING ABOVE OR BELOW ONE'S STATION + + +It is said in England that, of all men who occupy high positions in +professional life, judges are those who oftenest marry below their +station. + +Many are even said to have married impossible women, and on these +women many amusing stories are related in the smoke-rooms of London +clubs--stories which, I have no doubt, are of the _se non e vero, e ben +trovato_ type, and as faithful to truth as the stories that are told on +the feet of the Chicago women or the intellect of the Boston girls. + + +CHORUS-GIRL MARRIAGES + +However, it must be admitted that fools are not the only men who marry +women that are greatly inferior to them in manner, education, and social +standing; the cleverest men and the most aristocratic ones have often +been known to do the same. + +Dukes, marquises, and earls have married chorus-girls and shop-girls; +great literary men and artists have married uneducated girls, and have +led very happy lives with them. Of course, I pass over the aristocracy +who marry among the common people in order to get their coats of arms +out of pawn. If they are poor and marry rich girls, you can hardly call +this a case of _mesalliance_, since the superiority of birth in the man +is compensated by the superiority of fortune in the woman. + +Of course, _mesalliances_ appeal to people, because they always suggest +marriages for love, and novelists of all countries have worked this +theme for all it is worth. In real life they very seldom work well, for +the simple reason that matrimony places a man and a woman on absolutely +equal footing, and that happiness for them, in the case of a +_mesalliance_, is only possible on condition that one goes up to the +level of the superior, or the other comes down to the level of the +inferior. + + +EDUCATING ONE'S WIFE + +Marriages that have the greatest chances of success are those in which +the two partners bring the same amount of capital in social position, in +education, in fortune, in character, and I will even add in stature and +in physical beauty, with perhaps a slight--a very slight--superiority to +the credit of the man in all these conditions, except that of beauty, +which is an attribute that woman can possess in any degree without +making the happiness of her husband and herself run any risk. + +Mrs. Hodgson Burnett, in one of her novels, makes a barrister fall in +love with a girl who works in the coal-mines of Lancaster (another case +of the legal profession going wrong). The man has the girl sent to +school to learn manners and get educated, then marries her, and all is +smooth ever after. + +I have heard of this being done in real life with less success. The +behaviour of the man in a case like this should create gratitude in the +heart of the woman, and gratitude does not engender love. On the +contrary, Cupid is a little fellow so fond of his liberty and so wilful +that anything that tends to influence him--worse than that, to force +him--has on him the contrary effect to that which should be expected. + +Yet, I say, it is the only way to bring an uneducated woman to the level +of an educated man--before matrimony. After marriage the woman is +acknowledged, proclaimed the equal of her husband, and she will stand no +hint as to her being inferior to her husband in any way. + +If she loves him and is not conceited, any act on his part, however +kindly performed, that would suggest to her that she might improve +herself in language, behaviour, etc., would cause her unhappiness and +even pangs of anguish. + +If, on the other hand, she did not love him and was conceited, or even +only of an independent character, she would soon give him a piece of her +mind on the subject of her improvements, and let him hear the great +typical phrase of democracy, 'I'm as good as you.' + + +DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTS + +No, no; he must put up with the situation, and make the best of it. In +that case men console themselves with the thought that their wives are +pretty, or that they are good housekeepers, good cooks. After all, a man +gets married to please himself, not for what the world has to say of his +wife. + +Still, you have to succeed in the world, and if you despise the opinion +of the world the world turns its back on you. And you must remember +this: however big you are, or you think you are, the earth can go on +running its course round the sun without your help. + +French and American women have a keen power of observation and native +adaptability. Better than any other women in the world, they can soon +adapt themselves to new surroundings and new ways, and learn how to +talk, walk, dress, and behave like the leading women of any new social +circles they may have entered. Witness the American women that are to be +seen at the courts of Europe. + +However, the experiment of a _mesalliance_ is always a dangerous one to +make. Nine times out of ten the rabbit will always taste of the cabbage +it was brought up on. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +PREPARE FOR MATRIMONY, BUT DO NOT OVERTRAIN YOURSELVES + + +I'll tell you what the trouble is with most women in connection with +matrimony--they expect too much out of it. Not only do they expect too +much, but, in their goodness, they prepare themselves to do too much, to +give too much; in fact, they overtrain themselves. + +The moment a woman is in love and becomes a fiancee she cultivates the +growing of her wings, and orders a halo for her head--in fact, she sets +herself to rehearse the part of an angel. + +But see the 'cussedness' of things! Man is a strange animal, who prefers +women to angels, and the result is that things go wrong. The dear soul +is persuaded that she is going to marry a hero, a demi-god, and very +soon she discovers that, after all, she has married only a man. How few +of us can stand comfortably and long on the pedestals that our admiring +friends have erected for us! + +When that woman engaged herself she did not go straightway to her +parents, as she should have done, and ask them for information on man +and matrimony. Her father might have gently disabused her on the +subject of many illusions. Certainly her mother would. No, she did not +do that. She kept to herself, read poetry, invented poetry, filled +herself with poetry. + +Boys dream of military life. To them it means gorgeous uniforms, a +sword, a life of adventure, battle and glory. Girls dream of married +life. To them it means beautiful dresses and jewels and a life of +love-making. But soldiers do not always fight, and husbands do not +always make love, and that is why military life and married life are +often so sadly disappointing. + +The dear little woman has prepared herself to be loving and devoted +every minute of her life. She has stored provisions of all the best +resolutions and virtues under the sun and above. She arrives in her new +home ready to yield in everything, even ready to run the house and dress +on nothing a year. How she loves that man! Her whole being is given up +to love. By-and-by she discovers that the most loving couples require +one or two meals a day, and that fig-leaves are much more expensive than +they were when they were first worn. Her husband, who, like all men, is +an idiot as far as the knowledge of housekeeping is concerned, begins to +grumble when she asks for a reasonable sum to allow her to keep things +going decently. Remarks pass, lectures are delivered, faces frown, and +frowning faces don't go well with halos. + +Why will young girls leave it to their imagination to find out what +married life is? Why do they not consult and listen to the advice of +married lady friends, choosing those who are happy, of course? + +They would hear the voice of common-sense. + +'If you want your husband to love you and be happy, my dear,' some old +stager will tell her, 'follow _Punch's_ advice--feed the brute. Never +expect him to be loving while he is hungry. The way to his heart is +through the portion of his anatomy that lies just under it.' + +Another will say to her: 'Don't start married life by keeping your house +on nothing a year, because your husband will find it quite natural, and +will get used to it.' + +Let that girl frankly confess to her sweetheart that she is not an +angel, and the probability is that, if he is a man, he will say to her: +'Never mind the angels, dearie; be a woman: that's quite good enough for +me.' + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +ACTRESSES SHOULD NOT MARRY + + +'Are you married?' once asked an English magistrate of an actress who +had been summoned for assault. She had flung a pot of cold cream in the +face of her manager. + +'No, sir,' replied the lively lady, 'nor do I wish to be.' + +'That is fortunate for your husband,' remarked the judge, who probably +had Irish blood in his veins. + +The actress--I do not mean the mere woman on the stage--is made by her +profession unfit for matrimony. If she is fit for it, she is not, and +never will be, a great actress. + +I know that you will at once tell me that Mr. and Mrs. Kendal and Mr. +and Mrs. Cyril Maude (Winifred Emery) have been married a good many +years and lived most happy lives together. I even imagine that you will +easily be able to name others, but I will still maintain that they are +only exceptions, and you will please remark that in the exceptions I +have named the husbands have, as actors, quite as high a reputation as +their wives, which may be the very explanation of those exceptions. + +The actress is a heroine, partly owing to the roles that she plays, and +partly to the talent which she displays in them, and no heroine can be a +good wife to a man unless he be a hero himself. A woman can never drop +her love, and she never does; she gives it only to a man she can look up +to. + +But there are a great many other reasons. An actress wants perfect +freedom of action. She cannot be bothered by household duties, hampered +by the bringing up of children, mindful of the attentions required, or +at least expected, by a husband. + +Her soul and her very nervous system have to be stirred by the whole +gamut of sentiments, sensations, and even passions, or she will never be +able to stir the soul of her audience. + +Can you imagine Lady Macbeth, Camille, Fedora, Phedre, La Tosca, +Brunnehilde, played by young innocent virgins or by attentive and +devoted wives who mend their husbands' stockings and make the puddings? +Perhaps you will tell me that Mrs. Kendal does all that, and if you do, +my reply will be, 'Will you please leave me alone with Mrs. Kendal?' + +However, since we have mentioned the name of that great actress, I will +quote her, and repeat what she said to me one day: 'It is a general rule +with me never to engage married couples in my company; whenever I have +done so I have had trouble. I want both men and women to act in my +plays without having to mind what their wives or husbands may look like +in the wings while they are making love on the stage.' + +The husband of an actress is nine times out of ten an intolerable bore. +He is jealous when she rehearses, he is jealous when she plays, he is +jealous when the audience applauds her, he is jealous when she receives +bouquets, he is jealous and suspicious if the manager increases her +salary, he is jealous during the intervals, he makes scenes to her when +she returns home, and, if he does not, he sulks, which is worse, because +the man who consumes his own smoke is far less bearable than the one who +'has it out' and has done with it. Even if he is not all that, he has +that feeling, which we can quite understand, that his wife belongs to +the authors of the play, to the manager of the theatre, to the public, +to the critics--in fact, to everybody except himself. + +No, actresses should certainly not marry unless they marry actors, but +as a rule they do not, and will not. + +The actor may be a hero to the susceptible matinee girl, who sees him as +Othello, Hamlet, Romeo, Henry V., d'Artagnan, or some other romantic +swashbuckler, but he is no hero to the woman who dwells in the +dressing-room next to his, and who knows that he is putting on his wig, +smearing his face with grease-paint, making-up his eyes, and covering +his face with violet-powder with a puff, which he handles in ladylike +manner. The actor loses in the eyes of an actress all the prestige which +is due to mystery and imagination, and which constitutes the primary +and fundamental element of the attraction of one sex for the other. I +have never met actresses of standing who had admiration for actors as +men, much as they might praise them as members of their profession. + +Ninety-nine times out of a hundred the marriage of an actress is a +mistake, a remorse, or an act of folly. An actress, in order to +interpret the works of dramatists, should love, love passionately, +dream, suffer even terribly, in order to be able to incarnate love, +voluptuousness, suffering, and despair. The drama is the reflection of +humanity; the art of the actress should be the reflection of all the +different passions that have stirred her own heart and soul. + +Another thing: The public takes a greater personal interest in a woman +who is not married than in one who is. Actresses know this so well that, +when they are married, they insist on having their names put on the +bills as Miss So-and-So. When they do not, managers make them do it. + +For art's sake, for her own sake, and, remembering the remark of the +magistrate, I will add, for her husband's sake, an actress should not +marry. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +A MATRIMONIAL BOOM + + +There is quite a boom in the French matrimonial market just at present, +and not marriages of convenience either, but real good love matches. +Young girls elope with respectable young men holding good positions in +order to compel their parents to give their consent. Sons now inform +their fathers and mothers that they have, without their help or even +their meddling, chosen wives for themselves. It is an open state of +rebellion against the old state of affairs in France. + +Hitherto there were practically only two kinds of marriages among the +upper classes and the good bourgeoisie of France: the marriage of +convenience from which love was excluded, and the marriage for love, +which, nine times out of ten, was a _mesalliance_. And, to do justice to +the old system, let me say that, as a rule, the marriages of convenience +turned out to be much happier than _mesalliances_, which generally +consisted in marrying mistresses--that is to say, according to Balzac, +in changing tolerably good wine into very sour vinegar. However, in +these marriages of convenience, arranged by families, the social +position of the bridegroom and the dot of the bride were the first +considerations, and these couples, after being married, often discovered +they were made one for the other, and more than one husband won his wife +by courting, and really fell in love with her. In cases of +_mesalliance_, after the hours of passion had gone, the husband +discovered that all his prospects in life were destroyed through being +married to a woman he would never be able to make acceptable to the +people of the set he belonged to, and often despair followed disgust, +for woe to married people if either of them has the slightest cause for +being ashamed of the other! + +But things are being changed, and a splendid sign of the times it is, +too. Young Frenchmen now seek wives among the families of their own +stations in life, court them, and make up their minds to marry them, +and, what is best of all, parents begin to realize that, after all, it +is their sons, and not themselves, who marry, and that it is they who +should make their choices. + +I believe that this new state of things, which I hope, for my country, +will last, and even yet improve, is greatly due to the influence of the +Anglo-Saxons, English and Americans, whose freedom in matrimonial +matters is getting more and more familiar to the French through reading +and travelling. + +Like the Anglo-Saxons, they begin to see the practical side of +matrimony. The young Frenchman says to himself: 'I do not send my father +to my tailor to choose the clothes I am to wear, and I do not see why I +should allow him to go and choose for me the girl I am to marry.' + +There are other reasons which may also be due to the ever-increasing +influence of Anglo-Saxon manners and customs on France. The French girl +is every day getting freer. She is no longer cloistered, as it were, at +home and at school. She now frequents the society of young men, gets +better acquainted with them, and on more intimate terms than before. She +is more independent, feels more confidence in herself, knows more of +life than before, and the consequence is that she is better able to +provoke the love which she desires to inspire in a man of her choice. + +There may also be an economical reason which incites young Frenchmen to +seek love in matrimony instead of outside of it. They have been +observing their elders, and come to the right conclusion that real love +and respectable women are much more within their means than sham love +and disreputable women. A charming companion, who is at the same time a +sweet mistress and counsellor, a careful housekeeper and a devoted wife, +appears to them in her true light--the best article in the market. +Besides, they realize that the man who is married has a social advantage +over the one who is not. The man who marries a girl of his own society +can now explain that he married her simply because he loved her, without +thinking that he has to apologize for his action by mentioning what a +good stroke of business he has made. + +Most men of the preceding generation avoided matrimony as they would +have avoided ridicule. The part of husband and father struck them as +unpleasant and too _petit bourgeois_. Literature and the drama helped to +fill them with this notion; but now literature and the drama are getting +optimistic. We are getting over the period of problem novels and plays, +in which all the morbid diseases of the heart were dissected. The heroes +of novels and plays begin to get married without ceasing to be +interesting, and the result is that the present generation of France is +getting more healthy and more cheerful. This is most hopeful for France, +for the regeneration seems to take place in every class of society. The +friends of France will rejoice in this evolution. I have always +maintained, and still maintain, that it is the educational system that +explains the prosperity of the Anglo-Saxon race, and that absolute +freedom for men to marry the women they love explains its strength and +its marvellous vitality. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +LOVE WITH WHITE HAIR + + +Don't smile. If there is a love absolutely beautiful, almost holy, it is +love with white hair. If conjugal tenderness deserves at all the name of +love, it is at that time of life when it becomes idealized and purified. +If two hearts can, in this world, beat in perfect unison, it is the two +hearts of old married couples united by a whole life of tender intimacy. +Love, in getting old, does not become repulsive--like an old beau, who, +with dyed hair and moustache perfumed, thinks he can pass for a handsome +young man. In those kisses, which are no longer given on the lips, but, +with sweet reverence, are discreetly given on the hand or on the +forehead, in the effusions of an old married couple, I see the most +profound and most holy of human tenderness. + +They are no more lovers, but they are friends who cannot for a single +moment forget that they were lovers, and who spend the winter of their +lives in sweet remembrance of the beautiful spring, the glorious summer, +and the restful, sober autumn they enjoyed together. + +This final sublime love may be rare, but it does exist; it is the reward +of concessions made and of faults forgiven; the reward of cheerfulness, +the result of long years spent together, sharing the same joys, the same +sorrows, and the same dreams. Tactful, refined, they are at this very +moment as thoughtful as they ever were before. Each one is the first +consideration in the world to the other. The refinement of their +courtesy to each other is a constant avowal of the esteem they feel; in +their old intimacy they keep the same scruples, the same delicacy as +they did in the first days of their married life. They do not call each +other 'love,' 'darling,' not even, perhaps, by their Christian names, +but 'dear friend'--and they lay on 'dear' an emphasis that shows how +sincere the expression is. + +I tell you that there is no love in which you can find as much poetry as +in the love of those dear couples who for forty or fifty years have +walked side by side loving, respecting, helping each other, dreaming, +praying, suffering together, and whose actions, words, and thoughts have +each added an item to that treasure which they can now count piece by +piece. This long community of hearts, this habit of sharing everything, +has even established between them a physical likeness which would almost +cause you to take them for brother and sister rather than for man and +wife. + +And how children do love these dear old couples! how they feel attracted +toward them! There is a wonderful affinity between very old people and +very young children. Both are alike in many ways: the former have lost +their strength, the latter have not yet got theirs. The world goes in a +circle, and at the end of his career the old man meets the child. They +have sympathy for each other, they understand each other, and the past +and the future are the best of friends. Old people play with children +with their hearts and souls in absolute earnest, without any of those +signs of condescension which children are so quick to detect and to +resent; and I am not prepared to say that the young children enjoy the +play more keenly than do the old ones. + +Oh, if people would early prepare to become old, what pleasures would be +kept in store for them! + +In the peaceful winter of a well-spent life, love with white hair is an +evening prayer that soars to the abode of the seraphs. + + + + +PART III + +RAMBLES EVERYWHERE + + + + +CHAPTER I + +LITTLE MAXIMS FOR EVERYDAY USE + + +It would do most of us a great deal of good to always keep in mind, or +to be now and then reminded of it, lest we should forget it, that, when +we are gone, the earth will not stop, but will continue her course +around the sun. No one is indispensable in this world. + + * * * + +In order to be successful, the cruet-stand should be used with a great +deal of discretion: a little salt always, never any pepper, vinegar very +sparingly, and oil always in plenty. + + * * * + +Never in your dealings with a man let him suppose that you take him for +a fool. If he is not one, he will appreciate your consideration; and if +he is one, he will go about singing your praises. Either way, you will +probably win; at any rate, you can't lose, and that's something. + + * * * + +When you have seen a man enjoying himself telling you a story, never +tell him that you have heard that story before, and, above all, never +tell him that you know a much better version of it, and proceed with it. + + * * * + +Remember that the acknowledged best conversationalists are those who +have the reputation of being good listeners. You will be called +brilliant according to the way in which you will give others a chance to +shine. + + * * * + +People who tell you all the good things that are said of you teach you +nothing new. Listen to criticism, especially that which is fair and +kind; then you may learn something and profit by it. + + * * * + +When there is something nasty said about you in a newspaper, you never +run the slightest risk of not seeing it. There is always a friend, even +at the Antipodes, who will post it to you, well marked in blue pencil at +the four corners. He takes an interest in you, and feels that the +paragraph may not do you any harm in the way of antidote. It doesn't. + + * * * + +When you hear that a man has taken such and such a resolution, take it +for granted, when you feel ready to criticise him, that you are not the +only person in the world who knows what he is about. + + * * * + +The most valuable gift of nature to man is not talent, not even genius, +but temperament and character. If you have both talent and character, +the world will belong to you, if you succeed in making talent the +servant, and not the master, of your character. + + * * * + +The successful man is not the one who seeks opportunities, but the one +who knows how to seize them by the forelock when they present +themselves. The great diplomatist is not the one who creates events, but +the one who foresees them and knows best how to profit by them. + + * * * + +A man may be very clever without being very successful. This happens +when he has more talent than character; but when a man is very +successful, never be jealous of him, for you may take it for absolutely +granted that he possesses qualities which account for his success. + + * * * + +Envy is the worst of evils, the one that pays least, because it never +excites pity in the breast of anyone, and because it causes you to waste +lots of time concerning yourself about other people's business instead +of spending it all minding your own. + + * * * + +Watch your children most carefully, for when they are ten or twelve +years of age you may detect in them signs of defects, or even vices, +which, if developed, instead of checked at once, may prove to be their +ruin. + + * * * + +The key to success in life is the knowledge of value of all things. + + * * * + +It often requires a head more solidly screwed on the shoulders to bear a +great success than to stand a great misfortune. + + * * * + +The knowledge of the most insignificant thing is worth having. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +DO THE BEST WITH THE HAND YOU HAVE + + +It would be absurd to say that there is no such thing as luck. Of +course, there is luck, and fortunate is the man who knows how to seize +it at once by the forelock. + +For instance, it is luck to be born handsome, strong, and healthy; it is +luck to be born rich, or of generous parents who spend a little fortune +in giving you a first-class education. + +What is absurd, however, is to say that you are always unlucky. You +cannot always be unlucky any more than you can always be lucky. When a +man says to you, 'I am pursued by bad luck,' or, 'This is my usual bad +luck,' you know that he is lazy, quarrelsome, unreliable, foolish, or a +drunkard. + +You may be unlucky at piquet a whole evening--even, though seldom, a +whole week; but if you go on playing a whole year every day, you will +find that, out of 365 games, you have won about 180 and lost about 180. +I take it for granted, of course, that you are as good a player as your +opponent. + +There is no more constant luck or constant bad luck in life than there +is at cards, but there is such a thing as good playing with either a +good or bad hand, and in life such a thing as making the best of +fortunate and unfortunate occurrences. A man is bound to have his +chance, and his 'luck' consists in knowing how to avail himself of it. + +Practically every officer has had a chance to distinguish himself one +way or the other, and therefore to be noticed by his chiefs and obtain +promotion. Every artist has seen something which may reveal his talent, +his genius, if he has any. Every good actor is bound to come across a +part which may make his fortune. + +The same may be said of literary men and journalists. Every man in +business, if he keeps a sharp look-out, has a chance for a good +investment that will be the nucleus of his fortune if he knows how to +watch and nurse it carefully. What most men call bad luck is not that +chance does not present itself to them, but simply that they let it go +by and miss it. + +If you want to be lucky in life, force luck and make it yourself. +Believe in yourself, and others will believe in you. + +Rise early, be punctual, reliable, honest, economical, industrious, and +persevering, and, take my word for it, you will be lucky--more lucky +than you have any idea of. + +Never admit that you have failed, that you have been beaten; if you are +down, get up again and fight on. Frequent good company, be sober, +constantly take advice, and refrain from giving any until you have been +asked for it. Be cheerful, amiable, and obliging. Do not show anxiety to +be paid for any good turn you may have the chance of doing to others. +When you have discovered who your real friends are, be true to them, +stick to them through thick and thin. + +Do not waste time regretting what is lost, but prepare yourself for the +next deal. Forget injuries at once; never air your grievances; keep your +own secrets as well as other people's; get determined to succeed, and +let no one, no consideration whatever, divert you from the road that +leads to the goal; let the dogs bark and pass on. According to the way +you behave in life, you will be your greatest friend or your bitterest +enemy. There is no more 'luck' than that in the world. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +BEWARE OF THE FINISHING TOUCH + + +'Leave well enough alone,' as the English say, is a piece of advice +which may be followed with benefit in many circumstances of life. + +How many excellent pictures have been spoiled by the finishing touch! +How often have I heard art critics, after examining a beautiful +portrait, exclaim, 'H'm, leche!' Well, I cannot translate that French +art expression better than by 'Too much retouched--too well finished!' +This is a fault commonly found in women's portraits. + +How many fortunes have been lost because people, instead of being +satisfied with reasonable profits, waited for stocks to go still higher, +and got caught in a financial crash! + +Even in literature I see sad results, when authors follow too closely +that principle laid down by Boileau for the elaboration of style: +'Polish and repolish it incessantly.' + +Alas! how many stilted lines are due to the too strict obedience to this +advice! What is too well finished often becomes far-fetched and +unnatural. + +How many sauces have been spoiled by cooks trying to improve what was +already very good! + +How many wings have been singed for not knowing how to keep at a +respectful distance from the fire or the light! + +No doubt there is such a thing as perfection; but who is perfect and +what is perfect in this world, except that ineffable lady who, some +weeks ago, took me severely to task for having written an article in +which I advised my readers to be good, but not to overdo it? + +The firmaments are perfect, some flowers are perfect, but these are not +the work of man. Nature herself seems to have divided her gifts so as to +have no absolute perfection in her creatures. The nightingale has song, +but no plumage; the peacock has plumage, but his voice makes you stop +your ears. + +And the women! Well, yes, the women--let us speak of them. + +Which of us, my dear fellow-men, has not admired a woman of ours whose +toilet was finished? We thought she looked beautiful then, we admired +her, and we put on our gloves proudly, saying: + +'She is coming.' Yet she did not come. True, her hat was on and fixed +when we saw her, and we thought that she was ready. Not a bit of it. She +was not. + +After she has finished dressing, and is absolutely ready to go out, she +will begin to fret and potter about in her room for another hour. She +goes from looking-glass to looking-glass. That is the time when she +thinks of the finishing touches. + +She pulls her hat a little more to the right, then a little more to the +left, in order to ascertain how that hat can be improved. She touches +and retouches her hair. + +Her complexion is beautiful, a natural rosy pink, for which she ought to +return thanks, all day long, to the most generous and kind Nature who +gave it to her. But, at the last moment, she thinks that this, too, +might be improved. + +So she rubs her cheeks and puts more powder on them. The rubbing makes +her cheeks so red that she has to subdue the colour. She works and +works, and now takes it into her head that, being warm, her nose must be +shining. + +She takes the puff and puts powder on it. An hour before she was a woman +who, in your eyes at all events, could not very well be improved. + +Now she is ready, and emerges from her apartment. Her hair is undone +behind and ruffed in front, her hat is too straight, and her face looks +made-up. The rubbing has changed her lovely pink complexion into a sort +of theatrical purple red. + +You feel for her, because, being very proud of her complexion, you do +not want your friends--you do not want anybody--to say: 'Oh, she is +made-up.' And you own that she looks it, and altogether she does not +look half so well as she did when she had finished dressing, and had not +begun the finishing touches. + +Beware, ladies! Many a most beautiful woman has been spoiled by the +finishing touches. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +THE SELFISHNESS OF SORROW + + +Real sorrow is no more expressed by the correctness of a mourning attire +and the despair written on a face than true religious fervour is +expressed by the grimaces that are made at prayer-time. + +Just as we are told in the Gospel to look cheerful and not to frown and +make faces when we pray, just so, I believe, those who have gone before +us would advise us not to advertise the sorrow we feel at their loss, +but keep it in restraint, and not surround ourselves, and especially not +compel those who are living with us to be surrounded, with gloom. + +The outward signs of sorrow are often exaggerated and not uncommonly +nothing but acts of selfishness. The memory of the departed is better +respected by control over the most sincere sorrow, and children, young +ones especially, who cannot at their age realize the loss they have +sustained, have a right to expect to be brought up in that cheerfulness +which is the very keynote of the education of children. + +The real heroine is the woman who leaves her grief in her private +apartments and appears smiling and cheerful before her children. The +best way to serve the dead is to live for the living. There is no +courage in the display of sorrow; there is heroism in the control of it. + +Great hearts understand this so well that many of them, like the late +Henry Ward Beecher, desire in their wills that none of their relatives +should wear mourning at their death. There is a great difference between +being in mourning and being in black, and I often suspect that the more +in black a person is the less in mourning he or she is. + +To be able to attend minutely to all the details of a most correct +mourning attire almost shows signs of recovery from the depth of the +sorrow. + +But even when our sorrow is deeply felt and perfectly sincere is it not +an act of selfishness on our part to impose it, to intrude it, on +others--even on our nearest relatives? + +I admire the Quaker who, quietly, without attracting the attention of +anyone at table, silently says grace before taking his meal. + +How favourably he compares with the host who invites every one of his +guests to bend their heads, and to listen to him while he delivers a +long recital of all the favours he has received from a merciful God, and +of all the favours he expects to receive in the future! + +The first is a Christian, the second a conceited Pharisee. There is as +much selfishness in an exaggerated display of sorrow as there is in any +act that is indulged in in order to more or less command admiration. + +The truly brave and courageous people are modest in their countenance; +the truly religious are tolerant and forgiving; the truly great are +forbearing, simple, and unaffected; the truly sorrowful remember that +their griefs are personal; before strangers they are natural and even +cheerful, and before their children they are careful to appear with +cheerful and smiling faces. + +After all, the greatest virtue, the greatest act of unselfishness, is +self-control. Sorrow gives man the best opportunity for the display of +this virtue. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE RIGHT OF CHANGING ONE'S MIND + + +A woman's prerogative, it is said, is the right of changing her mind. +How is it that she so rarely avails herself of it when she is wrong? + +It should be the prerogative of a man also. 'What is a mugwump?' once +asked an American of a Democrat. 'It's a Republican who becomes a +Democrat,' was the answer. 'But when a Democrat becomes a Republican, +what do you call him?' 'Oh, a d---- fool!' quickly rejoined the +Democrat. + +We forgive people for changing their opinions only when they do so to +espouse our views, otherwise they are, in our eyes, fools, scoundrels, +renegades, and traitors. + +To my mind the most dignified, praiseworthy, manly act of a man is to +change his opinions the moment he has become persuaded that they are +wrong. To acknowledge to be in the wrong is an act of magnanimity. To +persist in holding views that one knows to be wrong is an act of +cowardice. To try to impose them on others is an act of indelicacy. The +successful man is the opportunist who does what he thinks to be right at +the moment, whatever views he may have held on the subject before. + +When, in full Parliament, Victor Hugo and Lamartine declared that they +ceased to be Royalists, and immediately went to take their seats on the +Opposition benches, their honesty and manliness deserved the applause +they received. + +Gladstone, who died the greatest leader of the Liberal party, began his +political life as a Tory Member of Parliament. Disraeli, Earl of +Beaconsfield, who for years was the chief of the Tory party, began his +public career as Radical member for Maidstone. + +Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, to-day practically the leader of the +Conservative party, not only was an advanced Radical, but a Republican. +Up to about eighteen years ago, the comic papers never failed to +represent him with a Phrygian cap on. + +Every man can be mistaken in politics as well as in science, just as he +can for a long time be mistaken in his friends. + +The more you study, the more independence of mind you acquire. Events +take a new aspect, and strike you in a different light. With age, +judgment becomes more sober: you weigh more carefully the _pros_ and +_cons _of all questions, and you often arrive at the conclusion that +what you honestly believed to be right is absolutely wrong. And it is +your duty to abide by your conclusions. + +The greatest crimes in history were committed by irreconcilable men who +lacked moral courage and dared not admit that they were not infallible. +Philip II. of Spain was one. + +That irreconcilable Imperialist, M. Paul de Cassagnac, wrote the other +day: 'When a statesman, a leader of men, perceives that he has made a +mistake, he has only one thing left for him to do: disappear altogether +from the scene, for, having deceived himself, he has been guilty of +deceiving others.' + +The aim of man--of the leader of men especially--is to seek truth at any +price. + +Some men proudly say at the top of their voices: 'I swear by the faith +of my ancestors, what I thought at twenty I think now. I have never +changed my opinions, and, with God's help, will never change them.' + +Those men believe themselves to be heroes; they are asses, and if they +are leaders of men, they are most dangerous asses. + +To live and learn should be the object of every intelligent man whose +eyes are not blinded by conceit or obstinacy. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +WHAT WE OWE TO CHANCE + + +Pascal once said that if Cleopatra's nose had been half an inch shorter +the face of the world would have been changed. If we read history, or +even only use our own recollections, we can get up an interesting and +sometimes amusing record of more or less important events which are +entirely due to chance or most insignificant incidents. + +To begin with my noble self. On August 30, 1872, I went to the St. +Lazare station in Paris to catch a train to Versailles. At the foot of +the stairs I met a friend whom I had not seen for a long time. He took +me to the cafe, and there, over a cup of coffee, we chatted for half an +hour. I missed my train; but fortunately for me I did, for that train +which I was to have caught was a total wreck, and thirty lives were lost +in the accident. + +A lady whom I knew many years ago once eloped with a young man she had +fallen in love with. Now, this was very wicked, because she was married. +It was on a cold December day. When both arrived at the hotel where they +were going to stay, they found no fire in their apartment, and ordered +one to be made at once. While this was going on they both caught a cold, +and were seized with an endless fit of sneezing. They thought that they +looked so ridiculous--well, the lady did, at any rate--that she ordered +her trunk to be taken to the station immediately. She caught the next +train to Paris, and never did I hear that she was guilty of any escapade +ever after. But for that fire that was not lit, all would have been +lost. + +At the inquest which a few days ago was held over the body of Mrs. Gore, +the American lady who was shot accidentally while in the room of her +Russian friend, it was discovered that the bullet had struck the eye +without even grazing the eyelid. The experts came to the conclusion that +if she had been murdered, or had committed suicide, she would have +blinked, and her eyelids would have been touched by the bullet. But for +this marvellous occurrence, the young Russian would have been tried for +murder, and perhaps found guilty. + +An Australian of my acquaintance some years ago wrote to his broker +ordering him to sell 500 shares in the Broken Hill Mining Company. The +servant to whom the letter was given mislaid it, and only screwed up his +courage to tell his master two days later. In the meantime the shares +had gone up, and, so seeing, the Australian waited a little longer +before selling. Then came the boom. Two months after the day on which he +had ordered his broker to sell the 500 shares at 40s. apiece these +shares were worth L96. He sold, and through the carelessness of his +servant became a rich man. This is luck, if you like. + +The late Edmond About, the famous French novelist, came out first of the +Normale Superieure School. As such he was entitled to be sent to the +French school at Athens for two years before being appointed professor +in some French Faculty. About had a humorous turn of mind. Instead of +studying ancient Greece at Athens, he studied the modern Greeks. After +his two years he returned with the manuscripts of two books, +'Contemporary Greece' and 'The Mountain King,' which were such successes +that he immediately resigned his professorship to devote his time to +literature. If, instead of coming out first, he had come out second, he +would never have been sent to Athens, and About would probably have +spent his life as a learned Professor of Greek or Latin at one of our +Universities. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +WE NEEDN'T GET OLD + + +'When my next birthday comes,' once said to me Oliver Wendell Holmes, 'I +shall be eighty years young.' And he looked it--young, cheerful, with a +kind, merry twinkle in his eyes. + +'And,' I said to him, 'to what in particular do you attribute your +youth? To good health and careful living, I suppose?' + +'Well, yes,' he replied, 'to a certain extent, but chiefly to a cheerful +disposition and invariable contentment, in every period of my life, with +what I was. I have never felt the pangs of ambition.' + +'You needn't,' I remarked. 'The most ambitious man would have been +content with being what you have been--what you are.' + +'Happiness, which has contentment for its invariable cause, is within +the reach of practically everyone,' the amiable doctor asserted. 'It is +restlessness, ambition, discontent, and disquietude that make us grow +old prematurely by carving wrinkles on our faces. Wrinkles do not appear +on faces that have constantly smiled. Smiling is the best possible +massage. Contentment is the Fountain of Youth.' + +That same evening he was the guest at a banquet given by a Boston club, +to which I had been kindly invited. When he rose to make a speech, they +cheered and applauded to the echo. His face was radiant, beautiful. +After he sat down, I said to him: + +'Are you not tired of cheers and applause, after all these years of +triumphs?' + +'No,' he replied; 'they never cheer loud enough, they never applaud long +enough to please me.' + +Oliver Wendell Holmes was right; he had found the key to happiness. + +The philosophers of all ages have deservedly condemned that universal +discontent and disquietude which runs through every rank of society and +degree of life as one of the bitterest reproaches of human nature, as +well as the highest affront to the Divine Author of it. + +If we look through the whole creation, and remark the progressive scale +of beings as they rise into perfection, we shall perceive, to our own +shame, that every one seems satisfied with that share of life that has +been allotted to it, man alone excepted. He is pleased with nothing, +perpetually repining at the decrees of Providence, and refusing to enjoy +what he has, from a ridiculous and never-ceasing desire for what he has +not. + +He is ambitious, restless, and unhappy, and instead of dying young at +eighty, dies old at forty. He misses happiness which is close at hand +all his lifetime. The object which is at a distance from him is always +the most inviting, and that possession the most valuable which he cannot +acquire. With the ideas of affluence and grandeur he is apt to associate +those of joy, pleasure, and happiness. + +Because riches and power may conduce to happiness, he hastily concludes +that they must do so. Alas! pomp, splendour, and magnificence, which +attend the great, are visible to every eye, while the sorrows which they +feel escape our observation. Hence it arises that almost every condition +and circumstance of life is considered preferable to our own, that we so +often court ruin and do our very best to be unhappy. + +We complain when we ought to be thankful; we weep when we ought to +rejoice; we fidget and fret. Instead of smiling, which keeps the cheeks +stretched and smooth, we frown, which keeps them contracted and engraves +wrinkles on them. + +Instead of looking at the rosy side of things, which makes the eyes +clear and bright, we run after the impossible or the unlikely to happen, +which makes us look gloomy. In short, I may say that old age is of our +own make, for youth is placed at our disposal for ever and ever. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE SECRET OF OLD AGE + + +The organs of man are like the works of a clock. If they are not used, +they rust; and when, after a period of rest, it is attempted to set them +in motion again, the chances are that the human machine will work badly, +or not at all. + +Therefore, wind up your clock always and regularly, and it will keep +going. This does not apply only to your bodily clock, but to your mental +one as well. + +Persons who work regularly, and, above all, in moderation, especially +those who maintain the activity of their physical and mental faculties, +live longer than those who abandon active life at the approach of old +age. + +Do not stop taking bodily exercise. Go on having your walk and your +ride; go on working steadily; go on even having your little smoke, if +you have always been used to it, without ever abusing it--in fact, if +your constitution is good, forget that you are advancing in age; go on +living exactly as you have always lived, only doing everything in more +and more moderation. Busy people live much longer than idle ones. +Sovereigns who lead a very active life live long. + +See the Pope! Moltke, Bismarck, Disraeli, Carlyle, Victor Hugo, +Gladstone, Ruskin, Littre, Darwin, De Lesseps, Renan, Pasteur--all great +workers--died nearly eighty or over eighty years of age. + +It is not work, but overwork, that may kill; it is not smoking, but +inveterate smoking, that hurts; it is not a little drinking that does +any harm, but too much indulgence in drink which kills. + +Mrs. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, who died only a short time ago, was writing +brilliant articles for the New York _American_ only a few days before +her death; maybe, she was writing one an hour before it. + +Her death at the age of eighty-seven may furnish a moral lesson to those +who desire a long life. She died in complete possession of her mental +and physical faculties. + +At eighty-five, Gladstone was felling trees in his garden and writing +articles on Homer and theology as a rest from his political labours. At +eighty-two, De Lesseps was riding three hours every day in the Bois de +Boulogne. At ninety-eight, Sidney Cooper was exhibiting pictures at the +Royal Academy. + +Yes, so long as the human machine is kept well oiled and regularly wound +up, it goes; and not only do active bodies and minds who go on working +live long, but they live happily and die peacefully, and they also make +happy all those who live with them. + +It was a lovely sight to see De Lesseps ride and drive with a troop of +grandchildren and great-grandchildren. The youngest and most boisterous +member of the party was the old gentleman, and all that band of joyous +youngsters adored him. + +The man of healthy body and active mind, who abandons work at fifty, +even at sixty, prepares himself for a life of mere vegetation. + +Let him stop remunerative work, if he does not find it congenial, and +has enough or more than he wants to live upon, but let him immediately +trace out for himself a programme of life that will enable him to keep +his body and mind active, or let him look out for dyspepsia, gout, +rheumatism, paralysis, stiffness of the joints, and the gradual loss of +his mental faculties. + +'I am sorry to be getting an old man,' once remarked Ferdinand de +Lesseps, 'but what consoles me is the thought that there is no other way +of living a long time.' + +It is activity, it is work, that keeps you young, healthy, cheerful, and +happy; it is work--thrice blessed work--that makes you feel that you are +not a useless piece of furniture in this world, and makes you die with a +smile on your face. Work, work again, work always! + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +ADVICE ON LETTER-POSTING + + +1. When you go out with the intention of posting a letter, be sure you +do not put it in your pocket, or the odds are ten to one that you will +return home with it. + +2. Always address the envelope before you write a letter. + +3. If you write love-letters to two different women, be careful to +enclose the first one in its properly addressed envelope before you +begin writing the second one, or Maria may receive the letter intended +for Eliza, and _vice versa_. + +4. Do not apologize in your postscript for having forgotten to stamp +your letter. It might get you found out. + +5. If you have written an important letter, or one containing money, put +it in the letter-box yourself. If anything wrong happens to it, you will +have no one to accuse or suspect. + +6. When you send currency by post, do not let anyone know it by having +the letter registered. Money stolen through the post has always been +abstracted from registered letters. I have never heard of one letter of +mine not being delivered in Europe and in America. People never take +their chance. They never open a letter unless they know there is money +in it. How can they know if you are careful in concealing paper money +under cover? Never label your letters, 'There is money in it.' + +7. If you post a letter, which you do not want anybody to read except +the person to whom it is addressed, do not forget to write your name and +address on the back of the envelope, so that, if not delivered, or +mislaid, it may be returned to you unopened. + +8. If you want an important letter to be delivered in New York at a +determined time, take my advice: Post that letter, in the city, +twenty-four hours before the said determined time. + +9. Never, or very seldom, in some exceptional cases, answer a letter by +return post, even if the request be made. Always take twenty-four hours +for consideration. Besides, it will give you the appearance of being a +very busy man, which is always a splendid advertisement. + +10. When you enclose a bill or a cheque in a letter, pin it to the +letter, that it may not drop when the envelope is opened, and before +posting it feel the letter-box inside to see that it is not choked. + +11. If you write a letter of a private nature--words of love that you +would be sorry for everyone to read except the lady you are addressing, +put a blank sheet of notepaper around the letter. Most envelopes are +transparent, and may disclose your secrets. + +12. Always read twice the address you have written on your envelopes. +Apply the same process to your letters; your time will not be wasted. + +13. When you write to a friend, do not inquire about his health and that +of his family after your signature. It would look like an afterthought. + +14. Ladies, whose minds are full of afterthoughts, generally write the +most important part of their letters in the postscript. I once received +a letter, in a woman's handwriting, the signature of which was unknown +to me. At the end of sixteen pages of pretty prattle there was a +postscript: 'You will see by my new signature that I am married.' + + + + +CHAPTER X + +ON PARASITES + + +Steer clear once for all of useless people and parasites of all +sorts--bores, who make you waste your time; indelicate people, who +borrow money when they do not know whether they will be able to return +it; swindlers, who know perfectly well they will never pay you back a +penny. Elbow your way out of all those frauds--poseurs, spongers, +leeches, fleas, and bugs--who try to fasten themselves to you. + +Be generous, and help a friend in need; devote a reasonable portion of +your income to the hospitals, charitable institutions, and the sufferers +from public calamities; after that, attend to yourself and to all those +who live around you and depend on you for their comfort and happiness. + +Bang your door in the face of people who, in your hour of success, come +to treat you with a few patronizing sneers in order to take down your +pride. Kick down your stairs, even if you live on the tenth floor, the +man with an alcoholic breath who calls to tell you that, as you are a +fortunate man, it is your duty, and should be your pleasure, to help +those who have no luck. + +Life is too short to allow you to play the part of a friend to the whole +human race. Concern yourself about interesting and deserving people; +cultivate the friendship of pleasant men and women, who brighten up your +life, and that of useful ones, who may occasionally give you the lift +you deserve. Attend to your business; carefully watch over the interests +of those who have a right to expect you to keep them in comfort, and +dismiss the rest, even from your thoughts. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +ADVICE-GIVING + + +Advice is a piece of luxury thoroughly enjoyed by the one who gives it. +If you want to be popular with your friends, do them all the good turns +you can. Lend them your money if you have a surplus to spare, and which +you can comfortably make up your mind to the loss of, but give them +advice when they ask you for it. + +People who are lavish of advice are seldom guilty of any other act of +generosity. If, however, you cannot resist the temptation of +advice-giving, be sure, at least, that you give it in time. People who +keep on saying to their friends, 'I told you so,' are the most +aggravating bores in the world. + +If a little boy wants to venture on a dangerous piece of ice, give him a +warning and advise him not to go, but if he disregards your advice and +falls into a hole, rescue him and wait until he is quite well again +before you say to him, 'I told you so.' + +Of all your best friends, your wife is the last person to whom you +should say, 'I told you so.' These four words have killed happiness in +matrimonial life more than any number of blasphemous words put +together. + +A wife forgives a few hot words uttered in moments of bad temper or +passion, but there is something cold, sneering, provoking, blighting, +assertive, presumptive in 'I told you so,' which gives you an unbearable +air of superiority and self-satisfaction. + +When you are already upset, dissatisfied with yourself, ready to take +your revenge out of anyone who takes advantage of your awkward and +unenviable position, 'I told you so' is the drop that causes the cup to +overflow. + +The amateur advice-giver is a nuisance, a fidget, a kill-joy, and an +unmitigated bore. Men avoid him, women despise him, and children mind +him until he is out of sight. To the latter he sets up as a model, and +always begins his admonitions with the inevitable 'When I was a boy.' +Then they know what is coming, and giggle--when they do not wink. + +Advice given by old folks to children sows as much valuable seed as do +sermons on congregations, with this difference to the advantage of +congregations, that they can close their eyes during a sermon in order +to take it in better, whereas children cannot do the same for fear of +being called rude and of being punished for it. + +Among other advice-givers whom I have in my mind's eye, I remember the +one who calls on me the day after I have given a lecture in order to +make suggestions which 'I might use with advantage the next time I give +this lecture.' Also the one who calls to advise me to introduce a +'reminiscence of his,' which I might use on the platform to illustrate +a point, and which 'reminiscence of his' I have heard for twenty years +and know to be part of a classic on the subject. + +The chairman who, before I go on the platform, advises me how to use my +voice in order to be well heard by all the members of the audience, a +piece of advice which I thoroughly appreciate, as I have lectured only +3,000 times--well, over 2,500 times, to be perfectly exact. + +I even remember one who criticised my pronunciation of a French word in +my lecture, and suggested his as an improvement. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +ON HOLIDAYS + + +Holidays are an institution established to keep you reminded every year +that one is really happy and comfortable at home only. Oh! the board and +lodging, advertised comfortable and moderate, which you leave with +pleasure because the board was the bed! Oh! the little house with +creepers from which you 'flee' because you discover that the creepers +are inside! And the sofas and chairs stuffed with the pebbles from the +beach, and the bad cooking, and the smiles of the head waiter, of the +waiters, of the chambermaid, of the hall porter, of the baggage porter, +all of whom have to be tipped! And the extras on the bill! How you rub +your hands with delight when at last you are in the train on the way to +that dear home of yours, where you are going to sleep in your lovely +bed, sit on your comfortable chairs, stretch on your soft sofa, eat the +appetizing, simple, and healthy meals of your good cook, where, on a +rainy day, you will go and take down a favourite book from the shelves +of your library; where you are going to be all the time surrounded by +your own dear belongings, able to look at your pictures, at your china; +where you are going to put again in their usual places the photographs +of all your friends; in fact, where you are going to live once more, +after an interval necessary to your health, perhaps, through the rest +from work and the change of air it has afforded you, but for all that an +interval, nothing but an interval in life. + +The only enjoyable holidays that I know are either those spent in a +house of your own which you may possess in the country or by the sea, or +those spent in travelling, making the acquaintance of new, interesting +and picturesque countries; but these holidays are only within the reach +of the privileged few. + +Very often loving couples, fearing they should get too much accustomed +to each other, part for a few days, just for the sake, epicures that +they are, of experiencing the ineffable joy of meeting again and of +proving to themselves that each one is absolutely indispensable to the +other--a fact which, although they may be well aware of it, is always +pleasant to be reminded of. The holidays are to the home what the +parting for a few days is to the loving couples--a reminder of the +priceless treasure which you possess, and which you do not always +sufficiently appreciate. + +Think of your children, too, especially of those young boys who are +boarders at school or college and can only know the joys of home life +during their holidays. How they would prefer going to their own homes, +playing with their own things, looking after their animals, to being +trotted out and taken to a hotel where children are not tolerated to do +this or allowed to do that! When parents live in a house of their own, +and in the country, it is absolutely wicked of them not to let their +children enjoy their holidays at home. They should remember that if +their children at school long for holidays, it is not because they are +tired of their work, it is because they are homesick. + +And young people just married always think that the best way of +beginning the matrimonial journey is to have a holiday and travel, +although, maybe, the thoughtful bridegroom has prepared a delightful +nest for his bride. + +'Where should I spend my honeymoon?' I have often been asked by young +men not rich enough to go and spend it in the expensive resorts. I have +invariably answered, 'Go home and spend it there, you idiot.' + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +EXTRACTS FROM THE DICTIONARY OF A CYNIC + +(_After Jules Noriac_) + + +ALABASTER--Kind of beautiful white marble, so much used in novels for +ladies' necks and shoulders that very little is left for ordinary +consumption. Very rare now in the trade, still very common in poetry. + +ALIBI--An aunt for wives; the club for husbands. + +ARDOUR--Heat, extreme and dangerous. Those who gamble with ardour ruin +their families; those who work with ardour ruin their health; those who +study with ardour go to a lunatic asylum; those who love with ardour get +cured more quickly than others. + +ARGUS--Domestic spy. Juno gave him a cow to look after. With his hundred +eyes he did not find out that the cow was no other than a woman, Io. + +ATTRACTION--Force which tends to draw bodies to each other. Isaac Newton +thought he had discovered the principle of universal attraction when he +watched an apple fall. Eve had discovered it five thousand years +earlier. + +AUSTERITY--Self-control which enables a man or a woman to receive a call +from Cupid without inviting him to stay to dinner. + +BOUDOIR--From the French _bouder_ (to sulk). Coquettish little room +where women retire when they have a love-letter to write or any other +reason for wishing to be left alone. + +CANDOUR--A virtue practised by women who do not understand what they +know perfectly well. + +COLLECTION--Hobby. Men collect flies, beetles, butterflies. Women +collect faded flowers, hair, letters, and photographs. + +DUENNA--Old woman who watches over the good conduct of young Spanish +girls and of married women. In the second case, her wages are higher. + +EGOTISM--Piece of ground on which Love builds his cottage. + +LOVE--A disease which mankind escapes with still more difficulty than +the measles. It generally attacks men at twenty and women at eighteen. +Then it is not dangerous. At thirty you are properly inoculated; it is, +as it were, part of your system. At forty it is a habit. After sixty the +disease is incurable. + +TO LOVE--Active verb--very active--the most active of all. + +MYSTERY--The principal food of love. This is probably why elevated souls +have raised love to the level of religion. + +NEST--Sweet abode made for two. He brings soft moss, she a few bits of +grass and straw; then both give the finishing touch by bringing flowers. + +PASSION--Violent affection that always finishes on a cross. + +PLATONIC (LOVE)--A kind of love invented by Plato, a philosopher who sat +down at table only to sleep. Advice: If ever Platonic love knocks at +your door, kick him down your stairs unmercifully, for he is a prince of +humbugs. + +RESOLUTION--A pill that you take every night before going to bed, and +which seldom produces any effect. + +RESPECT--A dish of which women are particularly fond in public, and +which they seldom appreciate in private. How many women would be happier +if their husbands respected them less and loved them more! + +SERVITUDE--Most bitter and humiliating state when it is forced upon us +by poverty; most sweet when it is imposed on a man by the woman whom he +loves. + +TACT--The quality that, perhaps, of all, women admire most in men. The +next is discretion. + +VEIL--Piece of lace which women put over their faces to excite the +curiosity of the passers-by. Women get married with a white veil, but +they always flirt with a black one. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +VARIOUS CRITICISMS ON CREATION + + +I shall never forget the dry way and pitiful manner in which Robert +Louis Stevenson passed a funeral oration on Matthew Arnold. It was on a +Sunday evening, in the early spring of 1888, at a reception given at the +house of Edmund Clarence Stedman, whose poetry and scholarly attainments +excite as much admiration as his warm heart excites love in those who, +like myself, can boast of his friendship. Someone entered and created +consternation by announcing that a cablegram had just reached New York +with the news that Matthew Arnold was dead. 'Poor Matthew!' said +Stevenson, lifting his eyes with an air of deep compassion; 'heaven +won't please him!' + +And it is true that on many occasions that great English writer had +hinted that if the work of the Creation had been given to him to +undertake, it would have proved more successful than it has been. For +that matter, many philosophers of a more or less cynical turn of mind +have criticised the work of Creation. + +Voltaire said that if he had been Jehovah 'he would not have chosen the +Jews.' My late friend, Colonel Robert G. Ingersoll, a Voltairian to the +core, said that if he had been consulted 'he would have made health, not +disease, catching.' Ninon de Lenclos, the veriest woman that ever lived, +said that, had she been invited to give an opinion, 'she would have +suggested that women's wrinkles be placed under their feet.' + +'Everything is for the best in the best of worlds!' exclaims Dr. +Pangloss in Voltaire's famous novel, 'Candide,' but few people are as +satisfied with the world as that amiable philosopher. There are people +who are even dissatisfied with our anatomy, and who declare that man's +leg would be much safer and would run much less risk of being broken if +the calf had been placed in front of it instead of behind. Some go as +far as to say that man is the worst handicapped animal of creation--that +he should have been made as strong as the horse, able to run like the +stag, to fly like the lark, to swim and dive like the fish, to have a +keen sense of smell like the dog, and one of sight like the eagle. Not +only that, but that man is the most stupid of all, the most cruel, the +most inconsistent, the most ungrateful, the most rapacious, the only +animal who does not know when he has had enough to eat and to drink, the +only one who kills the fellow-members of his species, the only one who +is not always a good husband and a good father. + +'Man, the masterpiece of creation, the king of the universe!' they +exclaim. 'Nonsense!' There is hardly an animal that he dares look +straight in the face and fight. No; he hides behind a rock, and, with an +engine of destruction, he kills at a distance animals who have no other +means of defence than those given them by nature, the coward! + +There is not the slightest doubt that the genius of man has to reveal +itself in the discovery of all that may remedy the disadvantages under +which he finds himself placed. Boats, railways, automobiles, balloons, +steam, electricity, and what not, have been invented, and are used to +cover his deficiencies. Poor man! he has to resort to artificial means +in every phase of life. Even clothes he has to wear, as his body has not +been provided with either fur or feathers. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +THE HUMOURS OF THE INCOME-TAX + +(A WARNING) + + +I have often heard Americans say that the future may keep in store for +them the paying of income-tax, and, as a warning to them, I should like +to let them know how this tax is levied in England. + +In theory the income-tax is the most just of taxes, since it compels, or +seems to compel, the people to contribute to the maintenance of their +country in proportion to the income they possess. In reality this tax, +levied as it is in England, is little less than the revival of the +Inquisition. + +And, first of all, let me point out a great injustice, which I trust no +Government will ever inflict on the American people or any other, and +which is this: The income derived from property inherited, or any other +which the idlest man may enjoy without having to work for it, is taxed +exactly the same as the income which is derived from work in business, +profession, or any other calling. + +I maintain that if I have a private income of, say, L2,000, and my work +brings me in another L2,000, the first income ought to be taxed much +more heavily than the second. + +I maintain that if a man enjoys a private income, and does no work for +the community in return for the privilege of the wealth he possesses, he +ought to pay a larger percentage than the man who has to work for every +shilling which he amasses during the year. + +But this is discussing, and in this article I only wish to show how the +free-born Briton is treated in the matter of income-tax. + +A fact not altogether free from humour is that the salary of the English +tax-collector is a percentage of what he can extract from the tax-payer. + +He asks you to send him the amount of your income, and warns you that +you will have to pay a penalty of L50 if you send him a false return. I +have it on the authority of Mr. W. S. Gilbert that every Englishman +sends a false return and cheats his Government; but now a good many men, +I am sure, cannot cheat the Government--those, for example, in receipt +of a salary from an official post, and many others whose incomes it is +easy to find out. + +Of course, some cannot be found out; so that those who cannot conceal +their real and whole income have got to pay for those who can. + +A merchant sends his return, and values it at L10,000. The collector +says to him, if he chooses to do so: 'Your return cannot be right. I +will charge you on L20,000. Of course, you can appeal.' + +The merchant is obliged to lose a whole day to attend the Court of +Appeal, taking all his books with him, in order to prove that the return +he sent is exact. + +Very often he pays double what he owes, so as not to have to let +everybody know that his business is not as flourishing as people think. +But the most amusing side of the whole thing is yet to be told. + +If you sell meat in one shop and groceries in another, and you make +L5,000 in the first shop and lose L3,000 in the second, you must not +suppose that you will be charged on L2,000, the difference between your +profit in the first business and the loss in the second. Not a bit of +it. The two businesses being distinct, you will have to pay on the +L5,000 profit made in the first, and bear your loss in the other as best +you can. + +As an illustration, I will give you a somewhat piquant reminiscence. +Many years ago I undertook to give lectures in England under my own +management. My manager proved to be an incompetent idiot, and I lost +money. + +When I declared my yearly income, I said to the income-tax collector: +'My books brought me an income of so much, but I lost so much on my +lecture tour; my income is the difference--that is, so much.' + +'No,' he said; 'your books and your lectures are two perfectly different +things, and I must charge you on the whole income you derived from the +sale of your books.' + +Then I was struck with a luminous idea, which proved to me that I was +better fitted to deal with the English tax-collector than to manage a +lecture tour. + +'The two things are not at all distinct,' I replied; 'they are one and +the same thing. I gave lectures for the sole purpose of keeping my name +before the public and pushing the sale of my books.' + +'Ah!' he exclaimed, 'you are right. In that case you are entitled to +deduct your loss from the profit.' + +And this is how I got out of the difficulty--a little incident which has +made me proud of my business abilities ever since. + +I was in America last season to give lectures. Instead of lecturing, I +had to be in bed and in convalescence for a month, then undergo an +operation and stay in the hospital for six weeks. + +You may imagine the fine income I derived from my last American tour. On +my return to Europe, I passed through London, and stopped there a week +before coming to Paris. + +I found awaiting me a bill for about L54, a percentage on 'my profit of +L1,000 realized in America.' Now, this was adding insult to injury. I +have the greatest respect for H.M. Edward VII., but I regret that his +officials should have resorted to such means to defray the expenses of +his Coronation. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +HOW TO BE ENTERTAINING + + +To know how to entertain people is a talent; but there is one better, +and which makes you still more popular with your friends and +acquaintances--it is that talent which consists in drawing them out and +allowing them to entertain you. + +I know very clever people, not exactly conceited or assertive, but who +have the objectionable knack of gently sitting upon you. Their opinions +are given with an _ex cathedra_ air that seems to exclude any appeal +against them. + +Sometimes they tell anecdotes very well, and they give you strings of +them, each one bridged over to the other by a 'That reminds me.' They +laugh at their anecdotes heartily, and invite you to do so with such a +suggestion as 'That's a good one, isn't it?' + +You do laugh, and you hope for your reward, that you will be able to +tell a little anecdote yourself. Sometimes they will cut you short and +go on with another; sometimes they will give you a chance, show little +signs of impatience while you give it, and never laugh when you have +finished. + +Worse than that, they will occasionally say: 'Oh yes,' on the tune of 'I +have heard that one before,' or, maybe, 'Why, I am the inventor of it +myself.' I have known such clever people and good anecdote tellers to +prove terrific bores. + +Whether you are discussing a question or merely spending a little time +telling stories over a cup of coffee and a couple of cigarettes, you +like to be allowed to prove alive, and the really entertaining people +are those who know how to make you enjoy yourself as well as their +company. + +You are grateful to those friends who give you a chance of shining +yourself, and there are some who know not only how to draw you out, but +who know how to do it to the extent of making you brilliant. + +Those who make you feel like an idiot are no better than those who take +you for one. Although they do not do it on purpose, the result is +exactly the same as if they did. You find that kind of man in every walk +of life. + +There is the savant who pours forth science by the gallon and talks you +deaf, dumb, and lame. There is the other kind also. I once spent an hour +talking on philology with the greatest professor of the College of +France in Paris. + +I know a little philology, but my knowledge of that science compared to +his is about in the proportion of the length of my little finger to that +of his whole body, and he is over six feet. He put me so much at my +ease; he so many times asked me 'if I didn't think that it was so,' that +for the time being I really felt I was something of a philologist +myself. It was only after I had left him that I realized that I had +learned a great deal from the famous master. + +The nice people of the world are those who make you feel satisfied with +yourself. All the talkers, advice-givers, assertive critics put together +are not worth for your good a considerate friend who gives you a little +praise, or a good, loving woman who, two or three times a day, gives you +a teaspoonful of admiration. + +After all, the greatest reward for our humblest efforts is appreciation, +the greatest incentive is encouragement. What makes us powerless to +achieve anything are the sneers of all the wet-blankets and kill-joys of +this world. + +You do not make a child get on at school by calling him a little idiot +and telling him he will never do anything in his life; you do not impart +bravery into the heart of a timid soldier by treating him as if he were +a coward. + +If a horse is afraid of anything lying on the road, don't whip him, +don't use the spurs; pat him gently on the neck and lead him near the +object to make him acquainted with it. Like that you will cure him of +his shyness. + +Help men with encouragement, praise, and admiration. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +WHAT IS GENIUS? + + +Genius is a form of madness. Early in the Christian era, St. Augustine +declared that there was no genius without a touch of insanity. The human +being who is born without a grain of folly will never be a great poet, a +great novelist, a great painter or sculptor, a great musician, or a +great anything. + +Unless you are erratic, irritable, full of fads, you need not aspire to +attain sublime heights. Homer, Shakespeare, Raphael, Shelley, Wagner +were lunatics. That is why, to my mind, nothing is more absurd, +preposterous, than to go and poke one's nose into the private life of +geniuses. Let us admire the work that their genius has left to us, +without inquiring whether they regularly came home to tea, and were +attentive fathers and faithful husbands. Do we not love Burns and +Shelley? + +Certainly, if I had lived in their times and had a marriageable +daughter, I would have been careful to see that she did not fall in love +with either of them; but what has that to do with their poetry and the +enjoyment of it? + +To this very day, in the autumn of my life, I enjoy the fables of dear +old La Fontaine, and can't help smiling when I am reminded that he was +married, but that he was separated from his wife. She lived in Lyons and +he in Paris. One day they persuaded him to go to Lyons and 'make it up' +with her. + +He started. In those days the journey took five days and five nights. On +the eleventh day after his departure he was back in Paris. 'Well,' they +said to him, 'is it all right?' + +'I could not see her,' replied he, 'when I called at her house. They +told me that she had gone to Mass.' So he came back. + +I once criticised the acting of a well-known actress before good folks, +who said to me: 'Ah, but she is a woman who leads an irreproachable +life!' What do I care about that? I am very glad to hear it, for the +sake of her husband and children; but I would rather go and hear Miss +So-and-so, who stirs my soul to its very depth by her genius, although I +am told, by jealous people, no doubt, that she is not quite as good as +she should be. + +I hear that Sarah Bernhardt travels with either a lion, a bear, or a +snake. Very well, that is her business. She goes to a hotel with her +menagerie, and does not ask you to invite her to stay with you. Is that +a reason for not going to see her play Phedre, Tosca, Fedora, or any +other of her marvellous creations? + +Wagner could not compose his operas unless he had on a red plush robe +and a helmet. What do I care if this enabled him to write 'Lohengrin,' +'Tannhaeuser,' and the Trilogy? + +One day Alexandre Dumas, a lunatic of the purest water, called on +Wagner. The latter kept him waiting half an hour. Then he appeared +dressed as Wotan. 'Excuse me, Master,' he said to Dumas, 'I am composing +a scene between the god and Brunnehilde.' + +'Don't mention it, please,' replied Dumas, who, before leaving, invited +him to come and see him in Paris. A few months later Wagner called on +Dumas. The latter kept him waiting a little, and then appeared with +nothing on but a Roman helmet and a shield. + +'Excuse me, Maestro,' he said, 'I am writing a Roman novel.' The two +great geniuses or lunatics were quits. + +I knew a great poet who could no more write good poetry than he could +fly unless he had blue paper. Victor Hugo would have been a failure if +he had not been able always to be provided with very thick pens. + +Balzac could write only on condition he was dressed as a monk, had the +shutters of the room closed, and the lamps lighted. Alfred de Musset +would compose his immortal poetry only when under the influence of +drink. All lunatics, every one. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +NEW AND PIQUANT CRITICISM + + +The Paris _Matin_ has started a new kind of dramatic criticism. The day +after a play has been produced it publishes a criticism of it by the +author himself, or by the manager of the theatre. This is as piquant as +it is novel, and if the French had the sense of humour as keenly +developed as the Americans, the result would be highly diverting. + +Just imagine a play by Mark Twain reviewed and criticised the following +morning in a paper by Mr. Samuel L. Clemens! + +Gentlemen of the American press, take the hint, if you like. + +This new kind of criticism is only a few days old, but the readers of +the _Matin_ have taken to it kindly already. Two well-known men have +inaugurated it. They are Pierre Wolff, the dramatist, and Antoine, the +actor and proprietor-manager of the Antoine Theatre. Both give a very +flattering account of their plays: how beautifully they were acted, how +well they were received, and, after giving a short synopsis of them, +wind up with heartfelt thanks to the actors and actresses who appeared +in them. Everybody is satisfied, author, actors, managers, editor, who +has attracted the notice of the public, and the readers, who are amused +at the new idea, and do not care a jot what critics say of the plays +which they review. + +Why should not books be reviewed in the same way? Why should they not be +reviewed and criticised by the author or the publisher? I should +prefer--by the author. + +I have never read a notice of any of my books, however favourable, which +I did not think I could have done better myself, if I had had to write +it. + +Just imagine, if only for fun, a new novel (pronounced 'novell,' please) +by Hall Caine reviewed by Mr. Hall Caine; or one by Marie Corelli +criticised by that talented lady herself! I say, just think of it! + +We might have the good-fortune to read something in the following style: +'A new novel by myself is one of those literary events which keep the +world breathless, in awful silence, for a long time before it comes to +pass. The first edition of 100,000 copies was exhausted a week before +the book appeared, but a second edition of the same number will be ready +in a day or two. The story is wonderful, colossal, like everything that +comes from the pen of that author, whose genius is as Shakespearian as +his brow, which even reminds one of that of--but perhaps it would be +profane to name.' + +Or something interesting like this: 'His Majesty the King and most +members of the Royal Family ordered copies of this book long before it +was ready for publication, and no doubt to-day, and for many days +following, there will be no other topic of conversation than my book at +Windsor Castle. I should like to call the attention of the reading +public--and who is it that does not read me?--to the fact that this is +the longest book I have yet published. The public will also, I am sure, +forgive me for calling it my best. A mother's last baby is always, in +her eyes, her best.' + +At all events, I salute the new criticism. It should greatly add to the +gaiety of nations. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +ORIGINALITY IN LITERATURE + + +There is very little originality in this world. Even among the greatest +thoughts expressed by famous philosophers, there are very few that had +not been heard before in some form or other. It is the pithy way in +which they are expressed by such men as La Rochefoucauld, La Bruyere, +and Balzac that made the reputation of these great writers. The +characteristics of man and woman have always existed, just as has their +anatomy, and the dissector of the human heart cannot invent anything new +any more than the dissector of the human body. We all know these +characteristics, but what we like is to see a philosopher present them +to us in a new shape. + +Pascal says that the greatest compliment that can be paid to a book, +even to a thought, is the exclamation, 'I could have written that!' and +'I could have said that!' In fact, the author whom we admire most is the +one who writes a book that we 'could' have written ourselves. And we say +'bravo' when a philosopher gives us a thought of our own, only better +expressed than we could have done it, or when he confirms an opinion +that we already held ourselves. + +No; there is nothing original, not even the stories that we hear and +tell in our clubs. They have been told before. I forget who said that +there were only thirty-five anecdotes in the world, seventeen of which +were unfit for ladies' ears. + +Even the characters of fiction are not original. The novelist is, as a +rule, none but a portrait painter, possessed of more or less originality +and talent. Charles Dickens said that there was not a single personage +of his novels whom he had not drawn from life. Thackeray and Balzac, two +observers of mankind of marvellous ability, said the same. Racine +borrowed of Sophocles and Euripides, Moliere of Plautus and Terence. +Alexandre Dumas chose his heroes from history, and regifted them with +life with his unequalled imagination. George Eliot's personality +remained a mystery for a long time, but everybody knew that the author +of 'Scenes of Clerical Life' was a native of Nuneaton, or had lived long +enough in that town to introduce local characters who were recognised at +once. The _Dame aux Camelias_, the Camille of the American stage, by +Dumas, junr., was inspired, if not suggested, by _Manon Lescaut_. And is +not the _Adam Bede_ of George Eliot a variation of Goethe's _Faust_? Is +not _Tess_ of Thomas Hardy another? And that marvellous hero Tartarin of +Alphonse Daudet: do you not recognise in him Don Quixote? More than +that, he is a double embodiment, Don Quixote and Sancho Panza in one: +the Don Quixote who dreams of adventures with lions in the desert, of +ascensions on Mont Blanc, of guns, swords, and alpinstocks, and the +Sancho Panza who thinks of wool socks, flannel vests, and a +medicine-chest for the marvellous journeys that are going to be +undertaken--a tremendous creation, this double personage, but not +altogether original. + +Every character has been described in fiction, every characteristic of +mankind has been told; but we like to see those characters described +again with new surroundings; we love to hear the philosophy of life told +over again in new, pleasant, pithy, witty sentences. + +This lack of originality in literature is so obvious, it is so well +acknowledged a fact that authors, novelists, or philosophers have used +mankind for their work, and availed themselves of all that mankind has +written or said before, that the law does not allow the literary man to +own the work of his brain for ever and ever, as he owns land or any +other valuable possession. After allowing him to derive a benefit for +forty or fifty years, his literary productions become common +property--that is to say, return to mankind to whom he owed so much of +them. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +PLAGIARISM + + +La Bruyere said: 'Women often love liberty only to abuse it.' Two +hundred years later Balzac wrote: 'There are women who crave for liberty +in order to make bad use of it.' The thoughts are not great, they are +not even true, but that is not the question. Could such a genius as +Balzac be accused of plagiarism because he expressed a thought +practically in the very words of La Bruyere? I would as soon charge +Balzac with plagiarism as I would accuse a Vanderbilt or a Carnegie of +trying to cheat a street-car conductor out of a penny fare. The heroines +of _Tess_ and _Adam Bede_ practically go through the same ordeals as +Gretchen. Would you seriously accuse Thomas Hardy and George Eliot of +plagiarism, and say that they owed their plots to Goethe's '_Faust_'? + +There are people engaged in literary pursuits, or, rather, in the +literary trade, and, as a rule, not very successful at that, who spend +their leisure time in trying to catch successful men in the act of +committing plagiarism. The moment they can discover in their works a +sentence that they can compare to a sentence written by some other +author, they put the two sentences side by side and send them to the +papers. There are papers always ready to publish that sort of thing. Of +course, respectable papers throw those communications into the +waste-paper baskets. Then, when the papers have published the would-be +plagiarism, the perpetrator marks it in blue pencil at the four corners +and sends it to the author--anonymously, of course. For that matter, +whenever there appears anything nasty about a successful man in the +papers--an adverse criticism or a scurrilous paragraph--he never runs +the slightest risk of not seeing it; there are scores of failures, of +crabbed, jealous, penurious nobodies who mail it to him. It does him no +harm; but it does them good. + +As far as I can recollect I have, during my twenty-one years of literary +life, committed plagiarism four times: twice quite unintentionally, once +through the inadvertence of a compositor, and once absolutely out of +mere wickedness, just to draw out the plagiarism hunter. And I will tell +you how it happened. Once, many years ago, I was reading a book on the +French, written by an American. A phrase struck me as expressing a +sentiment so true, so well observed, that I memorized it, and, +unfortunately, when, several years later, I wrote a series of articles +on France for a London paper, I incorporated the phrase. I was not long +in being discovered. The author of the book, which had never sold, +wrote to all the papers that I had 'stolen his book,' and thought the +correspondence would start a sale for his book. Of course I was guilty, +and I apologized, explaining how it had happened. For years the phrase +had been in my mind--had, as it were, become part and parcel of myself. +May this be a warning to authors who may take too great a fancy to a +thought of theirs well expressed by some other author. It is a very +dangerous practice. Another time I incorporated in a newspaper article a +quotation from Emerson, but the compositor omitted the inverted commas, +and Emerson's sentence read as if it was mine. Of course, no one would +accuse me of choosing Emerson to plagiarize in America, but this article +brought me half a dozen anonymous letters. In one of them there was this +choice bit: 'The second half of the article is by Emerson; the first +half I don't know, but probably not by the author.' Twenty centuries of +Christianity have caused Christians to love one another. But when I +really had a good time was when, deliberately, as I said before, out of +sheer wickedness, I introduced into my text nine lines of Shakespeare. + +I have kept the newspapers that commented on it and the anonymous +letters that were mailed to me. One of them had humour in it. 'My dear +sir,' said the writer, 'when you speak of an incident as being a +personal reminiscence, it is a mistake to borrow it of an author so +widely known for the last three centuries as the late William +Shakespeare.' + +A celebrated literary friend of mine once amused himself in +incorporating twenty lines of Dickens as his own in the midst of an +essay he published in his own paper. + +When he feels dull, he takes from his shelves a scrapbook which contains +the letters and newspaper cuttings referring to the subject. + +When a literary man has a reputation of long standing, never for a +moment accuse him of plagiarism. He may express a thought already +expressed by someone else; he may work out a plot which is not original; +but success that lasts rests on some personal merit. I have never heard +successful men charge any of their brethren of the pen with plagiarism. +Successful men are charitable to their craft, as beautiful women are to +their sex. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +AUTOBIOGRAPHIES AND REMINISCENCES + + +The best writers of memoirs have been the French, and it is through +those memoirs that we know so well and so intimately the reigns of Louis +XIV., Louis XV., and Napoleon I., as well as the history of the +Revolution, the Restoration, and the Second Empire. + +Courtiers, diplomatists, statesmen, and women of the Court, by their +memoirs and letters, have made us acquainted not only with the public +life of Sovereigns, but with all the details of their private life, with +all the Court gossip. + +The French, however, care little or nothing for memoirs that do not make +clear to them some chapter of history. + +The English, on the contrary, have practically no memoirs of that sort. +The only interesting ones that I know are those of Greville. On the +other hand, almost every man of note, literary man, journalist, artist, +actor, publishes his autobiography or his reminiscences. + +While the French only care for the work that a man before the public +has produced, the English like to know how he lived, how he worked, whom +he met, whom he knew, and his appreciation of the character of his more +or less famous friends and acquaintances. + +Why, even the music-hall star publishes his reminiscences in England. +The fact is that, if a man keeps his diary regularly, and knows how to +tell an anecdote well, he can always write a readable book of +reminiscences. + +Among the best books of this sort that I know I would mention those of +the late Edmund Yates and George Augustus Sala; but the best of all is +the one which I do hope will make its appearance one day (although I am +not aware that it is being prepared), and will be signed by the wittiest +raconteur and causeur of England, Mr. Henry Labouchere. + +Try to get Mr. Labouchere in one corner of the smoke-room in the House +of Commons, give him a cup of coffee and some good cigarettes, and just +turn him on; there is no better treat, no more intellectual feast of +mirth and humour and wit in store for you. His style is the very one +suited for a crisp, gossipy, brilliant book of reminiscences. + +Among possible writers of interesting and piquant memoirs or +reminiscences I ought to mention Lady Dorothy Nevil and Lady Jeune. Both +ladies have known in intimacy every celebrity you wish to name--Kings, +Queens, statesmen, generals, prelates, judges, politicians, literary +men, artists, lawyers, actors; there is not a man or woman of fame who +has not supplied an impression or an incident to them. + +And they are the very women to write memoirs, both possessed of keen +judgment and insight in human nature, and of great literary ability, +both delightful conversationalists, always capable of drawing you out +and enabling you to do your best, and thus supplying them with materials +for notes and observations. + +I am not announcing any book, for neither of these two ladies ever +mentioned to me that she was preparing a book of memoirs, but I wish +they would, and I have simply named them as being both capable of +writing books of unsurpassed interest. + +In order to write a good and trustworthy book of reminiscences, you +must, above all, be an observer and a listener, besides a good +story-teller. You must be modest enough to know how to efface yourself, +remain hidden behind the scenes, and put all your personages on the +stage without hardly appearing yourself. + +You must be satisfied with sharing the honours of the book with all your +_dramatis personae_, and not cause the printing of the volume to be +stopped for want of a sufficient supply of 'I's' and 'me's.' + +I knew a famous actor whose reminiscences were published some years ago +by a literary man. Once I congratulated that actor on the success of the +book. + +'Yes,' he said, 'the book has done me good, because X., you know, +mentions my name once or twice in that book.' + +And many books of reminiscences that I know are full of the sayings and +doings of the author, with an occasional mention of people of whom we +should like to hear a great deal. + +I have met these men in private, and sometimes found them clever, and +invariably fatiguing bores, and their books are not more entertaining +than their conversation. Many of them reminded me of the first visit +that Diderot paid to Voltaire, on which occasion he talked the great +French wit deaf and dumb. + +'What do you think of Diderot?' asked a friend of Voltaire a few days +after that visit. + +'Well,' replied Voltaire, 'Diderot is a clever fellow, but he has no +talent for dialogue.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +THOUGHTS ON HATS + + +The manly man wears his hat slightly inclined on the right, naturally, +without exaggeration, and without swagger. The braggart wears his right +on his ear. Jolly fellows, destitute of manners, and drunkards, wear +theirs on the back of the head; when far gone, the brim of the hat +touches the neck. + +Hypocrites wear theirs over the eyes. Fops wear their hats inclined on +the left. Why? The reason is simple. Of course, they know that the hat, +if inclined, should be on the right; but, unfortunately for them, they +look at themselves in the glass, where the hat inclined on the left +looks as if it were inclined on the right. So they wear it on the left, +and think they have done the correct thing. + +The very proper man and the prig invariably wear their hats perfectly +straight. The scientific man and all men of brains put their heads well +inside their hats; the more scientific the mind is, the deeper the head +goes inside the hat. + +Fools put on their hats with the help of both hands, and simply lay them +on the top of their heads. I suppose they feel that hats are meant to +cover the brain, and they are satisfied, in their modesty and +consciousness of their value, with covering the small quantity of brains +given to them by Nature. + +The absent-minded man is recognised by his hat brushed against the nap, +the tidy man by his irreproachably smooth hat, and the needy man by a +greasy hat. + +A shabby coat is not necessarily a sign that a man is hard up. Many men +get so fond of a coat that they cannot make up their minds to part with +it and discard it; but shoes down at heel and a shabby, greasy hat prove +that their wearer is drowning: he is helpless and hopeless. + +Only the well-off man, who serves nobody, wears a white top-hat; this +hat is the emblem of independence and of success in life. + +Man's station in life is shown from the way he takes off his hat. Kings +and emperors just lift it off their heads. A gentleman takes off his hat +to whoever salutes him. Once a beggar in Dublin saluted the great Irish +patriot, Daniel O'Connell. The latter returned the salute by taking off +his hat to the beggar. + +'How can you take off your hat to a beggar?' remarked a friend who was +with him. 'Because,' he replied, 'I don't want that beggar to say that +he is more of a gentleman than I am.' Parvenus keep their hats on +always, unless before some aristocrat, to whom they cringe. + +The Englishman takes off his hat with a stiff jerk and puts it on again +immediately. The Frenchman takes it off gently, and, before a lady, +remains uncovered until she says to him: 'Couvrez-vous, monsieur, je +vous prie.' + +The Italian takes it off with ceremony, and with his hand puts it nearly +to the ground. Timid men keep rolling their hats in their hands. Very +religious ones pray inside them, making a wry face, as if the emanations +were of an unpleasant character. + +Soldiers and horsemen fix their hats by pressing on the top of the +crown. + + * * * * * + +Men who belong to decent clubs and frequent 'at homes' never need be in +want of a good hat. + +In Paris, in London, and in New York during the season no gentleman can +wear anything but a silk hat after lunch-time. + +When you pay calls, you must enter the drawing-room with your hat in +your hand and keep it all the time, unless you are on very intimate +terms with your host and hostess, when you may leave it in the hall. + +A well-put-on hat is the proof of a well-balanced mind. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +THOUGHTS ON EYE-GLASSES + + +The man who wears spectacles--I mean eye-glasses with branches fixed +behind the ears--is a serious man, a man of science, a man of +business--at all events, a man who thinks of his comfort before he +thinks of his appearance. There is no nonsense, no frivolity about him, +especially if they are framed in gold. He is a steady man, somewhat +prosaic, and even matter-of-fact. If he is a young man and wears them, +you may conclude that he means to succeed, and always look on the +serious side of life. He is no fop, no lady-killer, but a man whose +affections can be relied on, and who expects a woman to love him for the +qualities of his mind and the truthfulness of his heart. + +Next to a solid gold watch and chain, a pair of gold spectacles are the +best testimony of respectability; then comes a sound umbrella. + +The man who wears his eye-glasses halfway down his nose is a shrewd man +of business, who ever bears in mind that time is money. Thus placed, his +eye-glasses enable him to read a letter of introduction, and, above +them, to read and observe the character of the person who has presented +it to him. Lawyers generally wear them that way, and they seldom fail to +have their bureau so placed that they can have their backs to the +window, while their clients or callers are seated opposite in the full +light of the day. + +Old gentlemen wear their eye-glasses on the tip of their noses when they +read their newspaper, because it enables them to recline in their +arm-chairs and assume a more comfortable position. + +The single eye-glass was originally worn by people whose eyes were +different, in order to remedy the defective one. To-day it may be +asserted that, out of a hundred men who wear single eye-glasses, +ninety-nine see through--the other one. The single eye-glass is +tolerable in a man of a certain age who is both clever and _distingue_ +looking. John Bright, with his fine white mass of hair and intelligent, +firm, yet kind expression, looked beautiful with his eye-glass on. Lord +Beaconsfield also looked well with one. To Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, with +his turned-up nose and sneering smile, and his jaw ever ready to snap, +it adds impudence. + +When a man looks silly, the single eye-glass finishes him and makes him +look like a drivelling idiot. If, besides, he is very young, it gives +you an irresistible desire to smack his face or pull his nose. + +The single eye-glass originated in England, but it is now worn in France +quite as much, especially by young dudes, who, lacking the manliness of +young Englishmen, look preposterously ridiculous with them on. I must +say, however, that great Frenchmen have worn single eye-glasses, among +them Alphonse Daudet, Aurelien Scholl, President Felix Faure, Gaston +Paris. Alfred Capus, now our most popular dramatist, wears one; so does +Paul Bourget, but the latter is short-sighted on the right side. + +No Royalty has ever been known to wear one, although not long ago I saw +a portrait of the Kaiser with a single eye-glass. + +America is to be congratulated on the absence of single eye-glasses. I +may have seen one or two at the horse-show in New York, but I should not +like to swear to it. An American dude, with his trousers turned up, +wearing a single eye-glass and sucking the top of his stick, would be a +sight for the gods to enjoy. I believe that a single eye-glass, not only +in Chicago or Kansas City, but in Broadway, New York, and even in +Boston, would cause Americans, whose bump of veneration is not highly +developed, to pass remarks not of a particularly favourable character on +its wearer. In the West, he might be tarred and feathered, if not +lynched. One way or the other, he would be a success there. + +But the most impudent, the most provoking single eye-glass of all is the +one which is worn, generally by very young men, without strings. As they +frown and wink, and make the grimace unavoidable to the wearer of that +kind of apparel, they seem to say: 'See what practice can do! I have no +string, yet I am not at all afraid of my glass falling from my eye.' +Rich Annamites grow their finger-nails eight and ten inches long, to +show you that they are aristocrats, and have never used their hands for +any kind of work. French and English parasites advertise their +uselessness by this exhibition of the single eye-glass without string. +And with it on, they eat, talk, smoke, run, laugh, and sneeze--and it +sticks. Wonderful, simply wonderful! When you can do that, you really +are 'in it.' + +When you consider the progress that civilization is making every day, +the discoveries that are made, the pluck and perseverance that are shown +by the pioneers of all science, by the princes of commerce, by the +explorers of new fields and pastures, in your gratitude for all they +have done and are still doing for the world, you must not forget the +well-groomed young man who has succeeded in being able to wear a single +eye-glass without a string. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +THOUGHTS ON UMBRELLAS + + +Tell me how a man uses his umbrella, and I will tell you his character. + +The Anglo-Saxon Puritan always carried his umbrella open. If he rolled +it, you might, at a distance, take that umbrella for a stick, which, he +thinks, would give him a certain fast appearance. The miser does the +same, because an umbrella that is never rolled lasts longer. + +The man who always takes an umbrella out with him is a cautious +individual, who never runs risks, and abstains from speculation. He will +probably die rich; at all events, in cosy circumstances. On the +contrary, the man who always leaves his umbrella behind him is generally +one who makes no provision for the morrow. That man is thoughtless, +reckless, always late for the train or an appointment, leaves the +street-door open when he comes home late at night, and is generally +unreliable. + +The man who is always losing his umbrella is an unlucky dog, whose bills +are protested, whose boots split, whose gloves crack, whose buttons are +always coming off, who is always in trouble on account of one thing or +another. + +The man, who leaves a new umbrella in his club and hopes to find it +there the following day, is a simpleton who deserves all the bad luck +that pursues him through life. + +The man who comes early to an 'at home' may not show his eagerness to +present his respects to a hostess early so much as to aim at having a +better chance to choose a good umbrella. + +The man who is perpetually showing a nervous anxiety about his umbrella, +and wondering if it is safe, is full of meanness and low suspicion. Let +him be ever so rich, if he asks your daughter in marriage, refuse her to +him. He will undoubtedly take more care of his umbrella than of his +wife. + +If you are fortunate enough to have your umbrella when it rains, and you +meet a friend who has left his at home, and asks you to shelter him, try +immediately to meet another friend or acquaintance to whom you will +offer the same service. By so doing, you will be all right in the +middle, you will have your sides also well protected, and, besides, you +will have obliged two friends instead of one. + +The possession of a well-regulated watch and a decent umbrella is to a +great degree a sign of respectability. More watches and silk umbrellas +are pawned than all the other pieces of man's apparel put together. + +The man who carries a cotton umbrella is either a philosopher, who +defies the world and all its fashionable conventions and prejudices, or +an economist, who knows that a cotton umbrella is cheaper than a silk +one, and lasts longer. + +The man who walks with short, jerky steps, and never allows his umbrella +to touch the ground, is a very proper man, and not uncommonly a +downright hypocrite. On the other hand, the man who walks with a firm, +long step, swinging his body slightly from right to left, and using his +umbrella like a stick, is generally a good, manly fellow. + +Once a man came to an afternoon 'at home,' and, when ready to leave the +house, could not find his umbrella, a beautiful new one. He made +somewhat of a fuss in the hall. The master of the house came to his +rescue, and looked for the missing umbrella among the scores that were +there. + +'Are you sure you had an umbrella when you came?' + +'Quite sure.' + +'Perhaps you left it at the other party, where you went first.' + +'No, no; that's where I got it.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +SOME AMERICAN TOPICS + + +As I sit quietly thinking over my seventh visit to the United States, +some impressions take a definite shape. I may here repeat a phrase which +I used yesterday while speaking to the representative of an English +newspaper who had called to interview me: + +'This last visit has left me more than ever impressed with the colossal +greatness of the American people.' + +The progress they have made during the last five years is perfectly +astounding--progress in commerce and industry, progress in art and +science, progress in architecture. The whole thing is simply amazing. +And the ingenuity displayed in the smallest things! + +Really, this morning I was pitying from the bottom of my heart a poor +English carman, who was emptying sacks of coal into a hole made in the +pavement, as in New York, in front of a house. + +He had to go and fetch every sack of coal, put it on his back, carry it +with his bent body, and then aim at the hole as best he could. In New +York the cart is lifted one side by means of a handle, an inclined tray +is placed at the bottom of the cart, with its head over the hole, and +down goes the coal as the man looks at the work done for him. + +It is in thousands of little things like this that you understand how +the American mind is constantly at work. I do not know whether America +makes more inventions than other nations (I believe that France is still +leading), but there is no country where so many inventions are +perfected. + +In a great measure I attribute the commercial prosperity of the +Americans to the soundness and practicability of their principles in the +matter of the commercial education of their youth. It is partly due to +the existence of the 'business college,' which has no counterpart in +England, but which is as great and powerful an institution in the States +as public schools are in England. Until Europe has such colleges, she +will never breed leaders of commerce and industry as they are bred in +America. + +France possesses the best artisans in the world--glass-cutters, +cabinet-makers, book-binders, gardeners--simply because boys of the +working classes choose their trade early, work long apprenticeships, and +study. + +The English boy of these classes becomes a plumber at thirteen, then he +tries everything afterward. He is in turn a mason, a gardener, anything +you like 'for a job.' In America it is the mind of boys which is +prepared for commerce in the business colleges. At twenty they are +practical men. + +Of course, my mind is full of trusts. Is it possible that in a few years +all the great industries of America--its mines, its railroads, its +telegraphic and telephonic systems, its land, its land produce--will all +be amalgamated and transformed into trusts? + +I am not inclined to look on this great system of trusts in too +pessimistic a fashion. In my view, they may eventually lead to the +nationalization of those gigantic enterprises, and in this way bring +about the greatest good for the greatest number, by the simple reason +that it will be much easier for the State to deal with all those +different trusts than with thousands of different companies and +individuals. + +One day the earth will belong to its inhabitants, not to a privileged +few. Trusts may lead to the solution of the question. + +Another impression deeply confirmed more than ever: the English may talk +of the 'blood-thicker-than-water' theory, but it will never stand the +test of a political crisis. + +Of course, there are the '400' of New York who are entirely pro-English, +and half apologetic for being American; but the population of Greater +New York is 4,000,000. If out of 4,000,000 you take 400, there still +remain some Americans. And these have no love lost for England. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +SOME AMERICANS I OBJECT TO + + +An American was one day travelling with an Englishman friend of mine in +the same railway compartment from Dieppe to Paris. During the +conversation, the American did not care to own that he hailed from +America, but went as far as to confess that he came from Boston, which, +he thought, would no doubt atone for his being American in the eyes of +his English companion. + +'And where are you going to put up in Paris?' inquired the Englishman. +'Well,' replied the Bostonian, 'I was thinking of staying at Meurice's; +but it's so full of d----d Americans! Where are you going to stop +yourself?' 'H'm,' said the Englishman; 'I was thinking of stopping at +Meurice's myself, but the place is so full of d----d English people!' + +I object to the American who tells you that he spends the summer in +Europe because America does not possess a summer resort fit to visit, +and who regrets being unable to spend the winter in the South of France +because there is not in the United States a decent place where to spend +the winter months, who assures you that America does not possess a +single spot historically interesting. In my innocence I thought that an +American might be interested to visit the Independence Hall of +Philadelphia, Mount Vernon in Virginia, Lexington, Bunker's Hill, +Yorktown, Chattanooga, Gettysburg, and a few other places where his +ancestors made America what she is now. + +I thought that the Hudson River compared favourably with the Thames and +the Seine, the Rocky Mountains with the Alps and the Pyrenees, the +Sierras with Switzerland, and that Europe had nothing to offer to be +mentioned in the same breath with the Indian summer of America, when the +country puts on her garb of red and gold. + +When you meet that American in Europe, he asks you if you have met Lord +Fitz-Noodle, Lady Ginger, and the Marquis de la Roche-Trompette. When +you confess to him that you never had the pleasure of meeting those +European worthies, he throws at you a patronizing glance, a mixture of +pity and contempt, which seems to say: 'Good gracious! who on earth can +you be? In what awful set do you move?' + +At fashionable places, on board steamers, he avoids his compatriots and +introduces himself into the aristocracy, always glad to patronize people +who have money. He makes no inquiry about the private character of those +titled people before he allows his wife and daughters to frequent them. +They are titled, and, in his eyes, that sanctifies everything. On board +a steamer he works hard with the purser and the chief steward in order +to be given a seat at the same table with a travelling lord. You never +see him in anybody else's company. + +A favourite remark of his is: 'The Americans one meets in Europe make me +feel ashamed of my country and of my compatriots.' + +How I do prefer to that American snob the good American who has never +left the States, and who is perfectly convinced that America is the only +country fit for a free man to live in--God's own country! At any rate, +he is a good patriot, proud of his motherland. I even prefer to him that +American (often to be met abroad) who damns everything in Europe; who +prefers the Presbyterian church of his little city to Notre Dame, +Westminster Abbey, and the cathedrals of Rouen, Cologne, and Milan; who +thinks that England is such a tight little island that he is afraid of +going out at night for fear of falling into the water; who thinks that +French politeness and manners are much overrated, and who, when being +asked if he likes French cuisine, replies: 'No; nor their cookery +either.' + +I love the man who sees only things to admire in his mother and his own +country; and in America that man has his choice--_une abondance de +biens_. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +PATIENCE--AN AMERICAN TRAIT + + +For power of endurance, give me the Americans. They are angels of +patience. The best illustration is what they can put up with at their +Custom House when they return home. Foreigners are more leniently dealt +with, but if the American and his wife return from a trip to Europe and +have with them twelve trunks and ten bags, these twelve trunks and ten +bags have to be opened and thoroughly searched, and that although the +said American has already signed a paper that he has nothing dutiable +with him. + +In every civilized nation of the world, there is a Custom House officer +to inquire of the foreign visitor or the returning native whether he has +anything to declare. He is not required to sign anything. He is asked +the question on presenting himself with his baggage. + +Never more than one piece of luggage is opened, and when the owner is a +lady alone she is allowed to pass without having anything opened, +unless, of course, she appears to be a suspicious character. + +Everywhere in Europe any decent-looking man or woman who declares that +he or she has nothing dutiable has one piece of luggage examined and no +more. But in America not only is every trunk, every bag, opened, but +everything in it most searchingly examined. + +'Have you worn this?' says the man. + +I knew a gentleman who had had ten trunks examined from top to bottom, +but could not find the key to his hat-box, a light piece of luggage +which, by its weight, was labelled innocent. The Custom House officer +took a hatchet and smashed it. + +I allowed myself to be told that the gentleman in question could obtain +no redress against the man in authority. A lady, for that matter, would +have been treated in exactly the same way. No respect for her sex, no +consideration for the pretty things she had had so carefully packed; +everything is taken out, felt, and replaced topsy-turvy. + +When a favourite steamer arrives in New York, with 500 first and second +class passengers, it means about 5,000 pieces of luggage to open and +examine. If you have no servants to see it done for you, the odds are +that you will be five hours on the wharf before you are able to proceed +to your hotel. + +The Americans grumble, but patiently endure the nuisance, as if they +were not masters in their own home and able to put a stop to it. No +Englishman would stand it a day. If it was a special order, it would be +repealed at once. The only time when the thing was done in England was +during the period of scare produced by the Irish dynamitards some +twenty-five years ago. + +To some American millionairesses fifty new dresses are less extravagant +than two or three for other women; besides, if they are extravagant, +that's their business. What does it matter so long as it is not some +materials for sale or any other commercial purpose? + +The Americans endure bureaucracy much more readily than the English. In +that, as in many other traits, they more resemble the French, who, in +spite of their reputation for being unruly, are the most docile, +enduring, easily-governed people in the world, until they are aroused, +when--then look out! + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +AMERICAN FEELINGS FOR FOREIGNERS + + +Jonathan has such a large family of his own to think of and look after +at home that he has not much time to spare for concerning himself about +what is going on in other people's houses. + +He takes a general interest in them, likes to be kept acquainted with +what is happening in the world, in Europe especially; he feels sympathy +for most people, antipathy to one, but it would be difficult to say, so +far as the names of the American people are concerned, that he has a +predilection for any particular nation more than for any other. + +The largest foreign element in the United States is German, +Scandinavian, and Irish; but they are all now digested and assimilated, +and they inspire no particular feeling in the breast of Uncle Sam for +the respective countries they originally came from. He asks them to be, +and they are, good American citizens, ready to fight his battles on +election day or, if need be, on the battlefield. + +There is no 'most favoured' nation in the American character, which in +this respect is opportunist to the greatest degree. + +During the war with Spain the Americans were pro-English, because they +had the moral support of the English, or thought they had. + +In 1895, during the Venezuelan difficulty, they were above all +anti-English. Just at present their love of the English is somewhat +cooler, because they wonder whether England was really friendly and +sincere during the Spanish-American War, and because their sympathy was +for the Boers who, in their eyes, rightly or wrongly, bravely fought for +their liberty and independence as the Americans did 125 years ago. + +When Prince Henry visited the United States, the Americans regarded his +visit as a great compliment paid to their country, and a delicate +advance and attention on the part of the German Emperor. + +Then Germany naturally came to the front, and, at the time, might with +reason have been called the nation nearest to the heart of Jonathan. +Prince Henry was feted, banqueted, liked, and when the steamer took him +home, he was remembered with pleasure and forgotten, and Germany resumed +her position of foreign nation, just like that of any other. + +The English, who buy inventions, but seldom make them, are now starting +the rumour that the Prince of Wales has been invited to visit the United +States. The idea is not very original, not any more than that of King +Edward having a racing yacht built in America, and sending his son over +to be present at its launching and christening. That sort of thing may +be overdone. + +If, however, the Prince of Wales went to America, he would be received +with open arms, the 'blood-thicker-than-water' business, and the +'kin-and-kith' cry would be indulged in during his visit, after which +everything would resume its normal state. + +If the President of the French Republic could be induced to visit +America, the Americans would become pro-French; Lafayette, the +'never-to-be-forgotten helper of the Americans' in their struggle for +liberty and independence, would be resurrected, and this visit would, +perhaps, be the one most likely to go straight to the hearts of the +Americans, as, in this case, the visit paid would bring to the United +States the very head of the French nation and the President of a great +Republic, the sister Republic. + +But the visit over, I have no doubt that Jonathan would resume his +business habits, forget all about it, and only remember a little +excitement and a good time. + +Let me, however, advise any royalty, English or other, to wait a little +before visiting America. For a long time there will be no originality, +no novelty even, about the presence of a real Prince in the United +States, and the Americans are particularly fond of novelties. They want +a constant change in the programme. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +SHOULD YOUNG GIRLS READ NOVELS? + + +A lady, an intimate friend of the late Alphonse Karr, was one day on a +visit to the famous French author, and noticing in his library the +statuettes of the Venus of Milo and a few other classical beauties, she +said to him: 'I am afraid you are wrong to feast your eyes on those +exquisite faces and perfect forms, because they very seldom exist in +real life, and they can only make you feel disappointed and spoil your +mind. When you go to a ballroom, I imagine that there are few women, if +any, that you are not inclined to criticise.' + +For the same reason I will answer a lady correspondent, who asks me +whether she should encourage or even allow her daughters to read novels: +No, young people should not read novels. Instead of infusing into their +minds sensible ideas about the stern realities of life, they portray +disinterestedness that is overdone, beauty that is rarely seen outside +of museums, devotion that has been very uncommon since the days of the +Crusaders, love that has been unheard of since the death of Orpheus and +Eurydice, pluck that died with Bayard and Bertrand du Guesclin; and I am +not sure that, loathsome as they are to me, I would not recommend the +novels of the realistic school rather than those of the romantic school +to young people of both sexes; for if the former make you feel fairly +disgusted with humanity, they do not, like the latter, fill the minds of +youth with illusions that are destined to be blown to the four winds of +the earth by the realities of life. In fact, I know some novels which +young people might read, and also some which they ought to read; but I +believe I could count them all on the fingers of my two hands. Let young +people study life from life, listen to the experience of those who have +lived, frequent people who have found happiness and met with success in +life. This will much better make them serve their apprenticeship. + +Yes, I say, avoid reading all novels, and, above all, the sentimental +ones--those that make young girls believe that husbands are lovers who +spend their lives at the feet of their wives making love to them, and +young men imagine that wives are sweethearts who have nothing to do but +coo and try to look pretty. Let young people read books that will help +make them sensible and cheerful, books of travels and adventures, books +of pleasant philosophy, of common-sense and humour. Boyhood, girlhood, +as well as young manhood and womanhood, should be spent in cheerful +surroundings, for nothing leads better to morality than cheerfulness. If +I had a house full of young people, I would have my house ring all day +long with the peals of laughter of my boys and girls. Fun of the good, +wholesome sort, humour and gaiety, should be the daily food of youth, +and only books that supply it should be given to them. + +On the whole, there is not much to choose between the novels of the +realistic school, that would make you believe that the world is full of +murderers, forgers, men and women with diseased minds, novels that reek +of disinfectants, and make you feel as you do when you come out of a +hospital and your clothes are permeated with a smell of carbolic acid, +and the novels of the sentimental school, that would lead you to believe +that all the male and female geese who are their heroes and heroines +have the slightest chance of being successful in life. + +People should already know a great deal of real life before they get +acquainted with the way in which it is represented in novels. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH FATHER? + + +I confess that I am a little tired, and I will say so frankly, of +continually hearing such phrases as 'What is home without a mother?' +'God bless our mother!' and so forth. I should like to use an +Americanism and ask, 'Now, pray, what's the matter with father?' + +I cannot help thinking that children would grow just as sensible if they +sometimes heard a word of praise bestowed on their fathers instead of +being loaded with an endless litany of all the virtues of mother. + +Mother's love, mother's devotion, mother's influence, mother's this, and +mother's that. Now, father does exist, and occasionally makes himself +useful enough to stand in no need of an apology for daring to exist. + +He generally loves his children, and sometimes feels that he cannot +compete with his wife in their affections, simply because she +monopolizes them, not only when they are babies, but after they are out +of infancy. He resents it, but, as a rule, resigns himself to what he is +made to believe inevitable. + +The first duty of a woman is to teach her children to love their father, +and, as they grow up, to teach them to respect him and admire him. It +is her duty to hide from her children any little thing that might cause +them to lose the least respect or admiration towards him. + +But, out of one hundred women, will you find one who will not be of +opinion that mother is foremost? + +When a woman has become a mother, her vanity, though often full of +repose, gets the best of her. She is a mother, and thinks she is the +most important thing in the world. Yet, as I say elsewhere, it is no +extraordinary testimonial for a woman to be fond of her children. All +mothers are fond of their children and good to them--why, even the +fiercest and cruellest of animals. The feeling is given to them by +Nature. We all profit by it; we are all happier for it. For being able +to dispense maternal love woman is to be admired and blessed, but not +congratulated. A child is part and parcel of a mother. In loving a child +a woman loves part of herself. It is not selfishness so much as +self-love. When she brings up her children for herself, for the love of +herself, without doing her utmost to see that their father gets his +share; when, thanks to her own trumpeting, her house rings only with +'God bless our mother!' she is guilty of an act of terrible injustice. + +The vanity of some women is such that some expect a pedestal--nay, an +altar--when the spring-cleaning of their house is over. + +I know men who work with one view only--that of bringing up their +children in comfort, giving them a University education, and starting +them in life at the cost of any sacrifice. + +I know Americans who work like slaves at home so that their wives and +daughters may enjoy themselves in Paris and London. For this they demand +nothing except an occasional letter, which they sometimes get. + +Mother is very tired! She has had to pay calls, go to so many 'at +homes,' so many garden-parties! She is exhausted; she wants a change of +air immediately. Father is at his office, a dingy, badly-ventilated +room. He has had no holiday for a year. He, too, would like a little +change of air; but what's the matter with father? He's all right. + +In the most humble stations of life we have all of us known that man who +gets up at five o'clock in the morning, lights the fire to cook a bit of +breakfast for himself, gets his tools and starts to his daily labour, +wiping off the dew of the dawn on his boots while many a mother is +sleeping. With his hard-earned wages he pays the butcher, the grocer, +the milkman and the baker. He stands off the wolf and the bailiff and +pays the rent. + +What's the matter with father? How blessed that home would be without +him! + +I know there are loafers who refuse the work that would enable them to +support their wives and children. There are also good steady workmen who +at home find nothing awaiting them except the sight of a drunken woman, +who not only has not prepared a meal for him, but has spent his +hard-earned money, and not uncommonly even pawned the baby's shoes to +get brandy or gin with. 'What's home without a mother?' 'God bless our +mother!' + +Do give father a chance, if you please. + + +THE END + +BILLING AND SONS, LTD., PRINTERS, GUILDFORD + + + + +MAX O'RELL'S WORKS + + + JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND. + JOHN BULL'S WOMANKIND. + THE DEAR NEIGHBOURS! + FRIEND MACDONALD. + DRAT THE BOYS! + JOHN BULL, JUNIOR. + JACQUES BONHOMME. + JONATHAN AND HIS CONTINENT. + A FRENCHMAN IN AMERICA. + JOHN BULL AND CO. + PHARISEES AND CROCODILES. + FRENCH ORATORY. + WOMAN AND ARTIST. + HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WOMAN. + BETWEEN OURSELVES. + RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND. + + + + OPINIONS OF THE PRESS + ON + RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + 'Max O'Rell has in this volume given us another entertaining and + delightful dissertation upon woman and her kind. What Max O'Rell + does not know about the sex to which he has not the honour to + belong is hardly worth knowing.'--_St. James's Gazette._ + + 'It is too late in the day to dwell upon the features of style + which render the work of Max O'Rell such easy and agreeable + reading, and it is unnecessary to illustrate his pretty gift of + phrase-making. He has gained his own place among popular + authors, and offers no sign of vacating it.'--_Pall Mall + Gazette._ + + 'We hardly know whether to recommend the book to our readers or + not. They will not put it down, once begun--that is + certain.'--_Spectator._ + + 'Max O'Rell, in his new book, expresses in his own peculiar and + entertaining way many witty, satirical, and humorous ideas on + the subject of the "eternal woman."'--_Daily Express._ + + 'Max O'Rell is always entertaining, and provokes friendly + discussion as readily as any writer I know. His new book + contains many aphorisms, and some of them are very + good.'--_British Weekly._ + + 'Max O'Rell supplies, not for the first time, a delightful + mixture of commonplace and common-sense.'--_Daily Chronicle._ + + 'We have no doubt a great many people will enjoy the book, and + the enjoyment will be innocent and wholesome.'--_Academy._ + + 'Max O'Rell's chaff is excellent, and all in perfect good + taste.'--_Pelican._ + + 'The genial author takes up the cudgels on behalf of the + better-looking sex in a way which should make his book + tremendously popular with lady readers--especially the married + ones.... A very entertaining book.'--_Golden Penny._ + + 'Contains some delightful reading.... It is a book happy in + idea, felicitous in expression, cynically frank and refreshing + in its candour.'--_Gossip._ + + 'Another collection of amusing and epigrammatic essays.... Max + O'Rell, as everyone knows, has the gift of discoursing fluently + and amusingly on any subject on which he touches, and to English + and American people his good-humoured criticisms are + particularly valuable, as they are not only sound and sane in + themselves, but they are written from an outside + standpoint.'--_Morning Leader._ + + 'Women will not feel sorry that Max O'Rell's last work should be + his new book on the fair sex. For many a year he has helped us + with his gentle raillery, cheered us with his bright humour, and + taught us much. "Rambles in Womanland" contains many little + personal reminiscences and revelations, and its author's wit is + undimmed. The book is full of epigrams, bons mots, and piquant + criticisms.'--_Gentlewoman._ + + 'Max O'Rell's last book will add to the regret that his genial + pen will write no more. Usually there is a tone of gaiety in + what he says, but at all times he discusses important problems + with all seriousness, and with not a little of the wisdom with + which a wide knowledge of the world had endowed him. Max + O'Rell's writings have always been notable for witty + epigrammatic sentences.... His last work is a bright and + engaging book.'--_Daily Telegraph._ + + 'With a pretty wit and a turn for epigram this writer can + scarcely be dull, and no one will turn to one or other of these + chatty chapters without being pleasantly + entertained.'--_Scotsman._ + + 'Liveliness, amiability, charm, honourable sentiment, humour, + every quality that the best kind of French culture produces, are + open to anyone who can read English in the pages of Max O'Rell. + Every page of these "Rambles" is sprinkled over with aphorisms. + ... This most entertaining book.'--_Vanity Fair._ + + 'There is much that is entertaining in these short pithy + comments on women's characteristics, and occasionally criticism + that penetrates deep beneath the surface, and reveals a vast + amount of observation and knowledge of the world.... The book is + full of smart sayings and clever aphorisms.'--_Publishers' + Circular._ + + 'Whatever his theme, he is always bright, and the coruscations + of his wit are exceedingly diverting.... This last contribution + is full of good things, placed in an amusing setting.... These + are but a few maxims culled from a crowded garden.... This + wonderful little volume.'--_Echo._ + + '"Rambles in Womanland" has between its covers much wisdom, + served up with a pretty garnish of wit and that wholesome + sauce--common sense. Indeed, Max O'Rell has written nothing + better than--in fact, nothing so good as--"Rambles in + Womanland." Here we have his riper wisdom, his fuller + experience; but while he has gained in wisdom or experience, he + has not lost his spiciness or his power of brief, terse + epigram.'--_Black and White._ + + 'Full of sparkling common-sense.'--_T. P.'s Weekly._ + + 'There is enough fresh material to commend these "Rambles in + Womanland" to those who have enjoyed rambling through the + author's entertaining writings.'--_Morning Post._ + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + + +1. Passages in italics are surrounded by _underscores_. + +2. The word homoeopathy uses an "oe" ligature in the original. + +3. Apart from one misprint correction on page 157 ("necesssity" changed +to "necessity") and few punctuation corrections, no other modifications +have been made in the text. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Rambles in Womanland, by Max O'Rell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 33416.txt or 33416.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/4/1/33416/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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