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diff --git a/33366.txt b/33366.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..538687a --- /dev/null +++ b/33366.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1760 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +June 14 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 14 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 7, 2010 [EBook #33366] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98, JUNE 14TH 1890 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. VI. + +"Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the Jury, even at +the expense of the Judge." (An opportunity often occurs after Lunch.)] + + * * * * * + +"GOOD OLD GRACE!" + +(_Doggerel on "The Doctor," by an "Old Duffer."_) + + "Dr. GRACE, who seemed to forget his lameness, played with + great vigour and dash, and his cuts and drives possessed all + their old brilliancy."--_The Times, on the exciting finish in + the Cricket Match between the M.C.C. and the Australians, June + 3, 1890._ + + One hundred and eleven runs, and eighty-five minutes to make 'em in, + And with TURNER and FERRIS to trundle as fast as they could pitch + and break 'em in! + And it looked any odds on MURDOCH'S men contriving to make a draw + of it; + But Cricket, my lads, is a curious game, and uncertainty seems the + sole law of it. + So they sent in GRACE and SHUTER to start. Well, the Doctor is now + called "a veteran," + But at forty-two when he's on the job 'tisn't easy to pick out a + better 'un. + And he "spanked for four," like a lad once more, and he cut and he + drove like winking; + Though his leg _was_ lame, he forgot that same, and he "played the + game" without shrinking. + And Surrey's SHUTER he did his part, and so did Notts' GUNN, Sir, + Though he _might_ have chucked the game away when the Doctor he + managed to out-run, Sir. + It was hard, you see, upon W. G. in _that_ way to lose his wicket, + But all the same he had won the game, and had played superlative + Cricket. + Forty-three to make, and forty-five minutes! But GRACE and GUNN + were equal to it; + And a win, with a quarter of an hour in hand, was the satisfactory + sequel to it. + The Australians played a manly game, without any dawdling or + shirking; + And if they didn't avoid defeat why it wasn't for want of hard + working. + But the stiff-legged "Doctor" who forced the game in the most + judgmatical fashion, + And forgot his leg and his "forty year" odd, full flushed with a + Cricketer's passion! + Why he's the chap who deserves a shout. Bravo, brave "W. G," Sir. + And when you next are on the job, may the "Duffer" be there to + see, Sir! + + * * * * * + +DEVELOPING HAWARDEN. + + "The locality is extremely healthy, and Hawarden will probably + become a large residential place, and a centre of mining + industry."--_Mr. Gladstone's Evidence before the Commissioners + for Welsh Intermediate Education._ + +_Monday._--Wood-cutting. Inconvenient having so many villas built all +round park. Inhabitants inspect everything I do. Nasty little boys +(whom I can see over their garden wall) shout "Yah!" and wave large +primrose wreath. Irritating. Perhaps due to healthiness of air. Retire +to another part of the demesne. Heavens! what is that erection? Looks +like a Grand Stand, in a private garden, crowded with people. It +is! Invited (by owner of garden) specially to view me and (I hear +afterwards) my "celebrated wood-cutting performance," at a shilling +a-head. Disgusted. Go in. + +_Tuesday._--Down local coal-mine. Interesting to have one at +Park-gates. Explain to colliers principle of the Davy lamp. Colliers +seem attentive, Ask me at the end for "a trifle to drink my health +with." Don't they know I am opposed to Endowment of Public-houses? +Yes, "but they aren't," they reply. Must invite WILFRID LAWSON to +Hawarden. + +_Wednesday._--Curious underground rumblings. Wall of Castle develops +huge crack. _What_ is it? A dynamite plot? Can SALISBURY have +hired----? HERBERT comes in, and tells me the proprietor of Hawarden +Salt Mine has just sent his compliments; with a request that I would +"shore up" the Castle. Otherwise "he is afraid it may fall in on his +workmen." Impudence! Why can't they dig under Eaton Hall instead? + +_Thursday._--WATKIN here. Offers to make a Tunnel under Castle, from +one mine to the other. Why a Tunnel? Also wants to dig for gold in +Park. Ask him, if there's any reason to suppose gold exists there? He +says you never can tell what you may come to if you bore long enough. +"At all events, even if no gold there, the boring useful if at any +time I feel inclined for a Tunn----" Go in. WATKIN _has_ bored long +enough already. + +_Friday._--STEPHEN drops in, and says "new Hawarden +Cathedral"--_really_ built to accommodate people who come to hear +me read Lessons, only STEPHEN thinks it's his sermons that are the +attraction--"will soon he finished." I suggest that he should have +Welsh "intermediate" services now and then. STEPHEN says "_he_ doesn't +know Welsh, and can't see why Welsh people can't drop their horrible +tongue at once, and all speak English." Pained, Tell him _he_ needn't +conduct service--any Welsh-speaking clergyman would do. STEPHEN +replies that if he introduced Welsh service, "villa-residents would +boycott the Cathedral altogether." Well, supposing they do? STEPHEN +retorts that "I had better have an Irish service at once, and get +PARNELL up to read the Lessons." Something in the idea. Must think it +over. + +_Saturday._--My usual holiday. Fifteen speeches. Park literally +crammed. Excursionists, colliers, salt-miners, villa-residents, and +Chester Liberals, all seem to find locality tremendously healthy. All +enjoying themselves thoroughly. Wish _I_ was. Worn-out in evening. +Begin to wonder what Park and Castle would fetch, if I were to go and +settle in Hebrides to escape mob. + +_Sunday._--Escorted by two regiments of mounted Volunteers to Church. +Volunteers have great difficulty in securing a passage. Have to use +butts of their muskets on more impulsive spectators. Curious that just +at this point I should Remember Mitchelstown. Must try and get over +the habit. Lessons as usual. Find a crushed primrose between the +pages, evidently put there on purpose. Those villa-residents again! +Surely DREW might inspect the lectern before service commences! Home, +and think seriously of Hebrides. + + * * * * * + +ON THE SPOT. + +(_By a Practical Sportsman._) + + The spot for me all spots above + In this wide world of casual lodgers, + Is not the nook sacred to love; + The "cot beside a rill" of ROGER'S. + 'Tis not the spot which TOMMY MOORE + Praised in "_The Meeting of the Waters_." + Avoca's Vale my soul would bore; + I should prefer more lively quarters. + Thy "little spot," ELIZA COOK, + Means merely patriotic flummery; + And COLERIDGE'S "hidden brook" + Won't fetch me, e'en when weather's summery. + I hold the Picturesque is rot, + "Love in a Cot" means scraps for dinner; + I only know _one_ pleasant spot,-- + I mean the "spot" that "finds a winner!" + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE AND SPECIAL LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.--Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH'S new +novel is to be entitled, _Won of the Conquerors_. It would be unfair +to the author to mention how what the Conquerors had conquered was won +from them in turn. "I am at liberty to inform the public, however," +says the BARON DE B.-W., "that WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR is not in it +with the others. I am able also to assure his numerous admirers that +_Beauchamp's Career_ is not a medicinal romance, and has no sort of +connection with a certain widely-advertised remedy." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WILL HE GET THROUGH?"] + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM HENRY _loquitur_:-- + + Pouf! Pouf! I'm that awfully out of breath with my long and + terrified scamper, + With that bull on my track, and this bag on my back, a burden that + Milo would hamper. + Though Milo was not a pedestrian "pot," nor was it a turnstile + that nipped him; + No, if I remember my classics aright, 'twas the fork of a + pine-tree that gripped him. + But nowadays one had need be a Milo and a fleet Pheidippides in + one, Sir. + And with carrying weight I'm in such a state, it isn't much + further _I_ can run, Sir. + Oh, drat that bull! Will nobody pull the brute by the tail, and + stop him? + Such beasts didn't ought to be let loose; in the _cloture_ pound + they should pop him, + With a gag on his muzzle. This turnstile's a puzzle, with its + three blessed wings, confound it! + I don't see my way to getting through it, and there's no way of + getting round it; + And I _am_ that fat--no, I won't say that; but I'm not, like dear + ARTHUR, quite lathy. + And I'm sure, by the bellow of that bull, that the fellow is + getting exceedingly wrathy. + Pouf! Now for a burst! Which to take the first of the turnstile + wings is the floorer. + If I breast it wrongly, though I'm going strongly, I'll expose my + rear to yon roarer. + Eugh! I fancy I feel his horns, like steel, my person viciously + prodding. + Against such points broadcloth's no protection, although padded + with woollen "wadding." + Oh, hang this bag! I shall lose the swag, if I slacken or lag one + second. + I thought I had measured my distance so well, but I fear that I + must have misreckoned. + That bull of GLADDY'S most certainly mad is, though he gave me his + word, the Old Slyboots, + It was perfectly quiet. I have SALISBURY'S fiat, but I wish he was + only in _my_ boots. + "Tithes first," indeed! Why, with all my speed, and my puffings, + and perspiration, + I doubt if I'll be in time to get through; and as for that + "Compensation," + It is sure to stick. "_Quick_, SMITH, _man_, _quick!_" Oh, it's all + very well to holloa; + With a sack on one's back, and a bull on one's track, 'tisn't easy + that counsel to follow. + My life's hardly worth an hour's "Purchase," if I'm overtaken by + Taurus. + Such brutes didn't ought to be loose in the fields, to bore us, + and score us, and gore us. + "_Run! run!_" Oh, _ain't_ I running like winking? Reach the + turnstile? I may just do it + But with its three wings--oh, confound the things!--I much doubt + if I'll ever get _through_ it! + + [_Left trying._ + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +THE attention of statisticians has lately been directed to a question +of no little interest. To put it as shortly as possible, the point is +to discover the number and size of the mayonnaises of lobster consumed +in the course of one evening in the district bounded on the east by +Berkeley Square, and extending westward as far as Earl's Court. It is +well-known that no lobster ever walked backwards. Taking this as the +basis of our calculations and assuming that [Greek: pi]^{n_1} is +equal to the digestive apparatus of six hundred dowagers, we reach +the surprising total of 932,146-1/8 lobsters. No allowance is made for +dressing or returned empties. + + * * * * * + +"A Poet" writes to us as follows:--"I have long been puzzled by +the difficulty attending the proper construction of rhymed verse in +English. Some words possess many rhymes, others only a few, others +again none. Yet I find that the temptation to end a line with a +non-rhyme-possessing word like 'month' is almost irresistible, and +frequently gives rise to the most painful results. In the course of my +emotional ballad entitled, '_The Bard's Daughter_,' I was compelled on +an average to kill half-a-dozen German bands every day, and to throw +ten jam-pots at my butler for unseasonable interruptions. Can any of +your readers help me?" + + * * * * * + +A flight of ducks was observed to settle on the Serpentine yesterday +at four o'clock exactly. They had been moving in a westerly direction. +The Park-keepers explain this curious incident by the well-known +affection of these birds for water, combined with an occasional +impulse to aerial navigation, but the explanation appears to us +inadequate. + + * * * * * + +In Vienna the other day, a Cabman was observed to claim more than his +fare from an elderly lady, whom he afterwards abused violently in the +choicest Austrian for refusing to comply with his demands. After all, +the nature of Cabmen all over the world varies very little. Elderly +Ladies too, are much the same. + + * * * * * + +Mr. STANLEY continues to attend dances, dinners and receptions at +the usual hours. He has lately expressed himself in strong terms with +regard to the action of a friendly Power on the continent of Africa. +Mr. STANLEY appears to think very lightly of the Foreign Office +pigeon-holes, in which his treaties have been stored in the meantime. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT. + +_Sympathetic Spinster._ "AND IS YOUR OTHER BOY AT ALL LIKE THIS ONE?" + +_Proud Mother._ "OH, NO; QUITE A CONTRAST TO HIM!" + +_Sympathetic Spinster._ "HOW NICE!"] + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +HA! ha! I knew it, I knew it! All the grog-blossomed addle-pates in +the world couldn't have induced me to back _Surefoot_. There they +were cackling in their usual hugger-mugger Bedlamite, gin-palace, +gruel-brained fashion, with Mr. J. at the head of them blowing a +_fan-fare_ upon his own cracked penny trumpet. But I had my eye on +them all the time. For as the public must have discovered long before +this, if there is one person in the world who sets their interests +above everything, and swerves neither to the right nor to the left in +the effort to save them from the depredations of the pilfering gang +of pig-jobbers and moon-calves who chatter on sporting matters, that +person, I say it without offence, is _me_. + +What was it I said last week about _Sainfoin_? "_Sainfoin_," I said, +"is not generally supposed to cover grass, but there are generally +exceptions." A baby in arms could have understood this. It meant, of +course, that _Sainfoin_ never lets the grass grow under his feet, and +that on the exceptional occasion of the Derby Day, he would win the +race. _And he did win the race._ We all know that; all, that is, +except Mr. J.'s lot, who still seem to think that they know something +about racing. But I have made my pile, and so have my readers, and +we can afford to snap our fingers at every pudding-headed +barnacle-grabber in the world. So much for the Derby. + +As for the Oaks, it would be impossible to conceive anything more +scientifically, nay geometrically, accurate than my forecast. +"_Memoir_," I said, "might do _pour servir_." Well, didn't she? And if +anybody omitted to back her, all I can nay is, serve them right for +a pack of goose-brained Bedlamites. For myself, I can only say that, +having made a colossal fortune by my speculations, I propose shortly +to retire from the Turf I have so long adorned. + + * * * * * + +A BIASSED AUTHOR.--One whose MS. is written "on one side only." + + * * * * * + +ASK A WHITE MAN! + +(_Highly Humorous Song. Sung with Immense Success by King M'Tesa, of +Uganda._) + +"King M'TESA inquired of Mr. STANLEY what an 'Angel' was. He (Mr. +STANLEY) had not seen an angel, but imagination was strong, and M'TESA +was so interested in what he was told, that he slapped his thigh +and said, 'There! if you want to hear news, or wish to hear words of +wisdom, always ask a white man.'"--_Mr. Stanley at the Mansion House._ + +[Illustration: "If you want to know, you know, ask a White Man."] + +AIR--"_Ask a Policeman!_" + + THE White Men are a noble band + (Though TIPPOO swears they're not), + Their valour is tremendous, and + They know an awful lot, + If anything you'd learn, and meet + A White Man on the way, + Ask _him_. You'll find him a complete + En-cy-clo-pae-di-a. + + _Chorus._ + + If you want to know, you know, + Ask a White Man! + Near Nyanza or Congo, + Ask a White Man! + In Uganda I am King, + Yet _I_ don't know everything. + If you want to know, you know, + Ask a White Man! + + If you would learn how best to fight + Your way through regions queer, + Thread forest mazes dark as night, + And deserts dim and drear! + If you your rival's roads would shut, + And get his in your grip; + You go to him, he's artful, but + He'll give you the straight tip. + + _Chorus._ + + If you'd know your way about, + Ask a White Man! + He knows every in and out + Does a White Man! + He will tell you like a shot + If the roads are good or not; + He can open up the lot, + Ask a White Man! + + And if about the Angels you + Feel cu-ri-os-i-ty, + For information prompt and true, + To a White Man apply. + _He_ knows 'em, and, indeed, 'tis said + Himself is _almost_ such. + His "words of wisdom" on this head + Will interest you much. + + _Chorus._ + + If you want to shoot and drink, + Ask a White Man! + He can help you there, I think. + Ask a White Man! + If you'll learn to grab and fight, + And be mutually polite, + And observe the laws of Right, + Ask a White Man! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +THEATRICAL CRITICISM. + +"_Mr. Ranter's Macbeth is too well known to all play-goers to need +any special notice at our hands. Those who have not yet seen it should +avail themselves of the present opportunity;_" _i.e._, "Can't pitch +into old RANTER, good chap and personal friend." + +DIAGNOSTIC. + +"_I should say in your case, that the Digestion was a little upset;_" +_i.e._, "As gross a case of over-eating as I have ever come across in +the whole of my professional experience. You must have been feeding, +literally, like a hog, for years!" + +SOCIAL. + +"_What I so like about dear Sibyl is her charming simplicity;_" +_i.e._, "The silliest little chit conceivable." + +"_His conversation is always so very improving;_" _i.e._, "A pedantic +prig, who bores you with Darwinism in the dance, and 'earnestness' at +a tennis-party." + + * * * * * + +TOPPING THE TRIPOS; + +_Or, Something like a Score for the Sex._ + + [In the Cambridge Mathematical Tripos Miss P. G. FAWCETT, of + Newnham, daughter of the late Professor FAWCETT, is declared + to be "above the Senior Wrangler."] + + ABOVE the Senior Wrangler! Pheugh! + Where now are male reactionaries + Who flout the feminine, and pooh-pooh + Sweet Mathematic MEGS and MARIES? + Who says a girl is only fit + To be a dainty, dancing dangler? + Here's girlhood's prompt reply to it: + Miss FAWCETT tops the Senior Wrangler! + + Would it not have rejoiced the heart + Of her stout sire, the brave Professor? + AGNETA RAMSAY made good start, + But here's a shining she-successor! + Many a male who failed to pass + Will hear it with flushed face and jaw set. + But _Mr. Punch_ brims high his glass, + And drinks your health, Miss P. G. FAWCETT! + + * * * * * + +TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH PLAYS. + +SCENE--_Her Majesty's Theatre._ _Enter_ Mr. _and_ Mrs. BROWN. + +_Brown_ (_to_ Boxkeeper, _with the air of a Sovereign conferring an +Order upon a faithful subject_). There's sixpence for a programme. + +_Boxkeeper._ Very sorry, Sir, but it isn't a programme; it's a Book of +the Argument, and we have to pay _that_ for it ourselves! + +_Brown_ (_resenting the information_). Oh, bother! Then I'll do +without it. + +_Mrs. Brown_ (_annoyed_). Why didn't you get a book? You know we'll +never understand it without one. + +_Brown._ Nonsense, my dear! It's a distinct advantage to trust to +one's own resources. + + [_Curtain goes up, and discovers a number of male characters, + who come on and go off severally._ + +_Mrs. Brown._ What are they talking about? + +_Brown._ Oh, all sorts of things. (_Enter_ Mlle. DARLAUD, as Lydie +Vaillant.) Ah! you see this is the heroine. + +_Mrs. Brown._ Is it? (_Examining her through opera-glass._) Very +simple frock. I think I shall have one like it. + +_Brown_ (_dreading a dress-maker invasion_). Oh, it wouldn't suit you +at all. You always look better in silks and satins. + + [_Entr'acte over._ _Second Act_, Madame PASCA appears, _and is + admirable_. + +_Mrs. Brown_ (_deeply interested_). CHARLEY, dear, she's wearing +Russian net, and you know you can get it at---- + +_Brown_ (_hurriedly_). Hush, you are disturbing everybody. + +_Mrs. Brown_ (_at end of Second Act_). What was it all about? + +_Brown._ Oh, didn't you see. It was a castle, and a number of tourists +were shown round the pictures by an old servant. Excellent! + +_Mrs. Brown._ I do so wish you would get a book. + +_Brown._ Oh, we can do without it now--the piece is nearly over. + + [_Third Act is played, and Curtain falls._ + +_Mrs. Brown._ Well, what was _that_ about? + +_Brown._ Oh, didn't you see they had breakfast--and with tea too, not +with wine. Very strange how English customs are spreading. + + [_Tableau I. of Act III. is played. Considerable applause._ + +_Mrs. Brown._ I don't quite understand _that_. + +_Brown._ You don't! Why, it's as simple as possible. _Paul Astier_ +arrived late, and dressed for dinner. Excellent! + +_Mrs. Brown._ But what's the plot? + +_Brown._ Oh, _that's_ of secondary importance--the piece is a clever +skit upon modern manners! (_Tableau II. is played._) Capital! Wasn't +MADAME PASCA good when she wanted a glass of water? + +_Mrs. Brown._ Quite too perfect! And her velvet and satin gown was +absolutely lovely! (_With determination._) I shall get one like it! + +_Brown_ (_alarmed_). I am not so sure! You look better in muslins. + + [_Last Act is played, and_ Paul Astier _is shot dead_. + +_Mrs. Brown_ (_much affected_). Oh! what did they do _that_ for? + +_Brown._ Don't you see--the reward of life. Hence the title. +(_Subsequently in the cab._) Wasn't it good? Didn't you enjoy +yourself? + +_Mrs. Brown._ Very much indeed, but I _do_ wish you had got a book! +(_To herself._) Let me see--green velvet over white satin. (_Aloud._) +It will take about eighteen yards! + +_Brown_ (_waking up_). Eighteen yards of what? + +_Mrs. Brown._ Oh, nothing! I was only thinking. + + [_Scene closes in upon a mental vision of the dress-maker from + opposite points of view._ + + * * * * * + +"ALLOWED TO STARVE."--To save time, contributions to the Balaclava +Fund should be forwarded direct to the Editor of _The St. James's +Gazette_. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: _Poor little Zelie (beseechingly)._ O Mr. Randegger, +_do_ let me have my bouquets!] + +_Monday._--_Don Giovanni._ RAVELLI the Reliable an excellent _Don +Ottavio_, vocally; considered dramatically, he does as much as can be +expected of a man of his inches. _Zerlina_ and _Masetto_ so pleased +with his singing that they stop on the stage all through the _tessoro_ +song, for which he takes a hearty _encore_, whereupon _Zerlina_ and +_Mazetto_ run off quickly. Having had enough of it, however, they do +not return for the _encore_. Rather rude this. DAN DRADY too sinister +for gay _Don Giovanni_; and there is a villanous determination +about his gallantry which would have frightened away the coquettish +_Zerlina_, and have warned the more mature ladies of the world, _Donna +Anna_ and _Donna Elvira_, in time to prevent them from falling victims +to his wiles. Otherwise a highly satisfactory _Don_. Signor PLUNKETTO +GREENO as the unfortunate _Commendatore_, who is first killed, and +then executed in stone, as a statue to his own memory, was heard and +seen to the best advantage. ZELIE DE LUSSAN, too Carmenish as flighty +little _Zerlina_, but evidently a match for the sardonic Don DAN +DRADY. Madame TAVARY has done well to quit the Hofoperahaus, Munich, +and come to Covengardenhaus as _Donna Anna_,--a trying part that not +_Anna_-body can play and sing as well as Madame TAVARY. This lady +and LILIAN NORDICA (pretty name LILIAN) as _Donna Elvira_ render the +characters so charmingly, that they cease to be the funereal bores I +have generally considered them. _Ottavio_, _Anna_, and _Elvira_, the +trio with a grievance, are, usually, about as cheerful as the three +Anabaptists in _Le Prophete. Mais on a change tout cela_. PALLADINO, +as the dancing guest--she is always small and early in every Opera +now--delights everyone, and so does Conductor RANDEGGER, who is +determined that poor little ZELIE DE LUSSAN shall not receive the big +bouquets which a mysterious man has brought to the orchestra; then one +of the instrumentalists handed them to the leader, who, in order +to take them, has been compelled to put down his violin, and, after +looking about in a helpless and puzzled manner, holds them until +further orders from his chief. Not receiving further orders, he +occupies his time by sniffing at the flowers and making remarks _sotto +voce_ to his companion violinist on the botanical beauties of the +_flora_. Conductor RANDEGGER, apparently unaware of what has been +taking place behind his back, turns round abruptly to inquire why +leader is taking a few bars' rest. Leading violinist exhibits bouquet, +and appeals in dumb show to conductor. The conductor's eye in fine +frenzy rolling, says as clearly as fine frenzied rolling eye can say +anything, "Remove that bauble!"--(RANDEGGER would make up remarkably +well as _Cromwell_)--and the leader, with a sympathetic and apologetic +glance at ZELIE as implying, "You should have had 'em if _I_ could +have managed it, but you see how I'm situated. RANDEGGER'S a hard +man"--puts the bouquets on the floor of the orchestra, and, dismissing +them by a supreme effort from his thoughts, betakes himself to his +musical Paganinic duties. What becomes of the flowers that bloom in +the orchestra, _tra la!_ I don't know, I wish that ZELIE may get them. +Remembering the example set by "Practical JOHN" at the Gaiety, of +placarding up everywhere in the theatre "No Fees," DRURIOLANUS, at +the suggestion of Conductor RANDEGGER, might "hang out a banner on +the outer wall" of the orchestra, with the letters inscribed on it +"N.B.--No Bouquets." + +_Tuesday._--The grandest night of the Season up to now, dear boys. +_Romeo_ JEAN DE RESZKE, and MELBA _Juliette_. What can you wish for +more? EDOUARD DE RESZKE as the _Frere Laurent_ a magnificent Friar, +belonging to some one of the theatrical "Orders" "not admitted +after seven." The talented Mlle. BAUERMEISTER'S _Gertrude_ hardly a +companion picture to her _Martha_ in _Faust_. Signor PLUNKETTO GREENO +not quite every inch a Duke: about one inch in three Duke and the rest +Democrat. When he has been _Duke of Verona_ long enough, he'll be all +right, and most likely + + He'll be, this Mister PLUNKET GREENE, + The Dukiest Duke that ever was seen. + +A word to the wise. Whenever this Season _Romeo and Juliette_ is +played with this cast, go and see it. Don't hesitate. It's memorable. +A feast for ear and eye. _Ite ad astra-operatica._ And at the same +time, don't forget to honourably mention the founder of the feast, +AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS. + +_Wednesday._--Extra. _Carmen._ Derby Day. I have been at the Derby. +Glad to get back again. As to "back again," I don't "back again" +anything for a long time. But, _a nos moutons_. _Toreador_ evidently +has had his money on _Sainfoin_. Never sang better. Glad to see +the simple Scotch lassie, MAGGIE MCINTYRE, once more as the village +maiden. Charming. ZELIE DE LUSSAN as wickedly attractive as ever. +What a collection such a gipsy would make on a Derby Day--a fine Derby +Day--among the "pretty gentlemen" whose fortunes she would tell. Extra +night this, and extra good. + +_Thursday._--A WAGNER Night. Crowded to see JEAN DE RESZKE as another +Wagner Knight. NEDDIE DE RESZKE as the _King Henry_--every inch a +King, and something to spare. Freddy Telramondo suits DAN DRADY +better than _Don Giovanni_. Madame FURSCH-MADI as the wicked +_Ortruda_,--("Never saw ought ruder than her conduct to Elsa," +observes the irrepressible Mr. WAGSTAFF,)--And MAGGIE MACINTYRE as the +virtuous but unhappy _Elsa_. The stranger in the land of WAGNER begins +to wonder at the continuous flow of the melody, not one tiny cupful +of which can he take away with him, until with joy he hears the Bridal +Chorus at the commencement of the Third Act, and for a few moments he +rests _dans un pays de connaissance_. + +_Friday._--_Lucia di Lammermoor._ Great night for Madame MELBA. +Recalled three times before Curtain after each Act. Living +illustration of once popular romance, "_Called Back_." Great night, +too, for Harpist and Flutist. Both gentlemen highly applauded, and +would have been recalled, but for the fact of their not having quitted +the orchestra. Harper plays solo from _Harper's Miscellany_, arranged +by DONIZETTI. RAVELLI the Reliable recalled also. + +_Saturday._--Brilliant house. Royal Highnesses early to come and last +to go. Magnificent performance of _Die Meistersinger_. M. ISNARDON +very comic as _Beckmesser_, LASSALLE a noble Hans Sachs ("the +shoemaker who sings a sole-o," says Mr. WAGSTAFF), JEAN DE RESZKE a +grand young _Walther_, MONTARIOL (as before) a capital silly idiot +_David_, Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER very lively as _Magdalena_, and +Madame TAVARY a skittish young chit in the somewhat trying and rather +thankless part of _Eva_. The tenor's song to her ought to be, "EVA, of +thee I'm fondly dreaming," if WAGNER had only thought of it. Opera too +long; but Wagnerites don't complain, and certainly to-night they get +their money's worth and something over, from 7.30 till past midnight. + + * * * * * + +A SWEET THING IN CRITICISM. + +CARDINAL MANNING, apparently having been invited by its author to +express an opinion upon Mr. WM. O'BRIEN'S "_When we were Boys_," +writes:--"When I got to the end, I forgot the book, and would only +think of Ireland--its manifest sufferings, and its inextricable +sorrows." His Eminence then continues:--"I hope to see the day break, +and I hope you will see the noontide, when the people of Ireland will +be readmitted, so far as is possible, to the possession of their own +soil, and shall be admitted, so far as is possible, to the making and +administration of their own local laws, while they shall still share +in the legislation which governs and consolidates the Empire. Then +_Ken_ and _Mabel_ shall be no more parted." + +No doubt this excellent critique will be followed by the publication +of letters somewhat similar to the following:-- + + DEAR MR. APPLES,--I promised to write to you after I had used + your Soap. When I had finished washing my hands, I forgot + everything but gallant little Wales. I hope to see the + morning, and trust you will see the evening, of that time when + the bold sun of freedom will shine over a land true to itself, + as far as possible, and rejoicing in the name of the country + without stain. Then will we all say, "Good afternoon," + followed by the customary inquiry. Believe me, + + Always yours very faithfully, W. E. GL-DST-NE. + +Should this mode of criticism be extended, the benefit to those who +have to review without knowing what to say will be obvious. + + * * * * * + +A New Heading of an Old Epitaph. + + "A remarkable coincidence has attended the drawings of two of + the principal Club Derby Sweepstakes. As we stated yesterday, + the Garrick Club Sweepstakes, of the value of L300, has fallen + to Mr. HENRY IRVING. We now learn that Mr. TOOLE benefits to + the extent of L75 out of the Sweepstakes of the Devonshire + Club."--_Daily News._ + +LOVELY in Life, they were Both There when the Sweepstakes were +Divided. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEVERE SENTENCE. + +_She._ "YES, DEAR, I'M AFRAID COOK WANTS JUDGMENT." _He._ "_JUDGMENT!_ +SHE WANTS _EXECUTION!_"] + + * * * * * + +"THREE FISHERS." + + THREE fishers went fishing North-east and North-west + (Like the trio from Kingsley familiarly known). + Each thought himself, doubtless, the bravest and best, + And held the good "swims" should be mainly his own. + There was JOHNNY the Briton, and FRANCOIS the Frank, + And JONATHAN also, the artful young Yank, + An expert at "bouncing" and "boning." + + And FRANCOIS the Frank, who went fishing for cod, + Nicked lobsters as well, and he stuck to them too; + He declared they were all the same thing, which seemed odd, + The result being anger and hullaballoo, + And rows about Bounties, and shines about Bait; + For ructions all round are as certain as fate, + When parties go "bouncing" and "boning." + + And JONATHAN, well, _he_ went fishing for seals, + And he wanted the fishing grounds all to himself. + When the Russ had done ditto, the Yank had raised squeals + (How consistency's floored in the struggle for pelf!) + And JONATHAN took a most high-handed course; + For greediness mostly falls back on brute force, + When parties go "bouncing" and "boning." + + And JOHNNY the Briton, a sturdy old salt, + Had been a sea-grabber himself in his time; + Some held that monopoly still was his fault, + Others swore that his modesty verged upon crime, + Nor is it quite easy to say which was true, + For so much depends on a man's point of view, + When parties go "bouncing" and "boning." + + But when JOHNNY the Briton caught sight of the Frank + Making tracks with a lobster--the whoppingest one-- + And when he perceived the impertinent Yank + With the seal--such a spanker!--skedaddling like fun, + He stood and he shouted, "Stop thief! Hi! Hold hard!" + For language does not always "go by the card," + When parties go "bouncing" and "boning." + + "Now then, you sea-grabbers," he bellowed, "Belay! + I suppose you imagine I'm out of it quite. + But you're not going to have it just all your own way. + Fair dues! my dear boys. After all, right is right! + Big Behring is no _mare clausum_, young Yank, + And cold Newfoundland is not _yours_, my fine Frank, + In spite of your 'bouncing' and 'boning.'" + + Well, he of the Lobster and he of the Seal + Have rights of their own, which old JOHN won't deny. + But _he_ has some too, and _Punch_ hopes they will feel + That they should not grab his, and had better not try. + Some _modus vivendi_ no doubt can be found, + To make the Three Fishers quite friendly all round, + And good-bye to all "bouncing" and "boning!" + + * * * * * + +ELCHO ANSWERS. + + _Q._ What loves "The Country" more than Tithes Bills tracing? + _A._ Racing! + _Q._ And what than "Compensation's" doubtful courses? + _A._ 'Orses! + _Q._ Than Bills of Irish Tenants poor to favour rights? + _A._ Favourites! + _Q._ What does it find as profitless as St. Stephens? + _A._ "Evens!" + _Q._ What more exciting than "The Pouncer's" nods? + _A._ "Odds!" + _Q._ What does it love far more than LABBY'S jokes? + _A._ "Oaks!" + _Q._ And what beyond all ELCHO'S quirks and quips? + _A._ "Tips!" + _Q._ What would it call him who of "Sport" turns squelcher? + _A._ "Welsher!!!" + _Q._ Who finds the "Derby" closing satisfactory? + _A._ Hack Tory! + _Q._ What's the protesting Puritan Gladstonian? + _A._ "Stony 'un!" + + * * * * * + +GERMAN MOTTO IN AFRICA.--"_For Farther Land!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THREE FISHERS." + +JOHN BULL. "HULLO! YOU SEA-GRABBERS!--WHERE DO _I_ COME IN?"] + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._) + +No. XIII.--THE PRECOCIOUS UNDERGRADUATE. + +[Illustration] + +EVER since undergraduates existed at all, there must have been some +who, in the precocity of their hearts, set themselves up or were +set up by the admiration of their fellows as patterns of life, and +knowledge, and manners. But before steam and electricity made Oxford +and Cambridge into suburbs of London, these little deities were +scarcely heard of outside the limits of their particular University, +the sphere of their influence was restricted, and they were unable to +impress the crowd of their juvenile worshippers by the glamour which +comes of frequent plunges into the dizzy whirlpool of London life. +Now, however, all that is changed. Our seats of learning are within +a stone's throw of town, and the callow nestlings who yesterday +fluttered feebly over King's Parade or the High, may to-day attempt +a bolder flight in Piccadilly and the Park. The simpler pleasures of +Courts and Quads soon pall upon one who believes emphatically, that +life has no further secrets when the age of twenty has been reached, +and that an ingenuous modesty is incompatible with the exercise of +manliness. He despises the poor fools who are content to be merely +young while youth remains. He himself, has sought for and found in +London a fountain of age, from which he may quaff deep draughts, and +returning, impart his experience to his envious friends. + +The Precocious Undergraduate, then, was (and is, for the type remains, +though the individual may perish) one who attempted in his own opinion +with perfect success, to combine an unerring knowledge of men with a +smooth cheek and a brow as unwrinkled as late hours could leave it. +In the sandy soil of immaturity he was fain to plant a flourishing +reputation for cunning, and to water it with the tears of those +who being responsible for his appearance in the world dreaded his +premature affectation of its wisdom and its follies. + +They had given him, however, as befitted careful parents, every chance +of acquiring an excellent education. In order that he might afterwards +shine at the Bar or in the Senate, he was sent to one of our larger +public schools, where he soon found that with a very small life-belt +of Latin and Greek a boy may keep his head safe above the ripple of a +master's anger. But his school career was not without honour. He was a +boy of a frank and generous temperament, candid with his masters, and +warm-hearted and sincere in his intercourse with his school-fellows. +He was by no means slow with his wits, he was very quick with his eye +and his limbs. Thus it came about that, although his scholarship was +not calculated to make of him a Porson, he earned the admiration +and applause of boys and masters by his triumphs as an athlete, a +cricketer, and a foot-ball player, and was established as a universal +favourite. At the usual age he left school and betook himself to +college, freighted for this new voyage with the affection and the +hopes of all who knew him. + +And now when everything smiled, and when in the glow of his first +independence life assumed its brightest hues, in the midst of apparent +success his real failures began. The sudden emancipation from the +easy servitude of school was too much for him. The rush of his new +existence swept him off his feet, and, yielding to the current, he +was carried day by day more rapidly out to the sea of debt and +dissipation, which in the end overwhelmed him. For a time, however, +everything went well with him. His school and his reputation as a +popular athlete assured to him a number of friends, he was elected a +member of one or two prominent Clubs, he got into a good set. In their +society he learnt that an undergraduate's tastes and his expenditure +ought never to be limited by the amount of the yearly allowance he +receives from his father. Whilst still in his freshman's Term, he was +invited to a little card-party, at which he lost not only his head, +but also all his ready money, and the greater part of the amount which +had been placed to his credit at his Bank for the expenses of his +first Term. This incident was naturally much discussed by the society +in which he moved, and it was agreed that, for a freshman, he had +shown considerable coolness in bearing up against his losses. Even +amongst those who did not know him, his name began to be mentioned +as that of one who was evidently destined to make a splash, and might +some day be heard of in the larger world. His vanity was tickled. +This, he thought to himself, not without pleasure, was indeed +life, and thinking thus, he condemned all his past years, and the +aspirations with which he had entered his University, as the folly +of a boy. Soon afterwards he was found at a race-meeting, and was +unfortunate enough to win a large sum of money from a book-maker who +paid him. + +The next incident in his first Term was his attendance as a guest at +a big dinner, where the unwonted excitement and a bumper or two of +University champagne upset his balance. He grew boisterous, and on +his way home to his rooms addressed disrespectfully the Dean of his +College, who happened to be taking the air on the College grass-plot. +He woke, the next morning, to find himself parched and pale, but +famous. "Did you hear what So-and-So, the freshman, said to the Dean +last night? Frightful cheek!"--so one undergraduate would speak of him +to another, with a touch of envy which was not diminished by the fact +that his hero had been gated at nine for a week. + +But it is useless to pursue his career through every detail. He went +on gambling, and soon found himself the debtor or the creditor of +those whom he still attempted to look upon as his friends. He bought +several thousand large cigars at L10 per hundred from a touting +tobacconist, who promised him unlimited credit, and charged him a high +rate of per-centage on the debt. He became constant in his visits to +London, and, after a course of dinners at the Bristol, the Berkeley, +and the Cafe Royal, he acquired, at Cambridge, the reputation of a +connoisseur in cooking and in wine. The Gaiety was his abiding-place, +the lounge at the Empire would have been incomplete without him: for +him Lais added a rosy glow to her complexion and a golden shimmer to +her hair; he supped in her company, and, when he gave her a diamond +swallow, purchased without immediate payment in Bond Street, the +paragraphist of a sporting paper recorded the gift in his columns with +many cynical comments. In short, he now knew himself to be indeed a +man of the world. Henceforward he seemed to spend almost as much +time in London as in Cambridge. It is unnecessary to add that his +legitimate resources soon ran dry; he supplied their deficiency from +the generous fountain of a money-lender's benevolence. After all, +eight per cent. per month sounds quite cheap until it is multiplied by +twelve, and, as he always disliked arithmetic, he abstained from the +calculation, and pocketed the loan. And thus, for a time, the wheel +of excitement was kept spinning merrily. But the pace was too fast to +last for long. Somehow or other, soon after the beginning of his third +year, his happy gaiety which had carried him cheerfully through many +scenes of revelry seemed to desert him. He became subject to fits of +morose abstraction. His dress was no longer of the same shining merit, +nor did he seem to care, as formerly, to keep his cuffs and collars +unspotted from the world. Disagreeable rumours began to be whispered +about him. He was said to have failed to pay his card-debts, and +yet to have gone on gambling night after night; and at last came the +terrible report--all the more terrible for not being fully understood +by those who heard it--that he had been posted at Tattersall's. + +Undergraduate Society is, however, of an extraordinary tolerance, and +if it had not been for his own manifest misery, he might have kept +his head up in Cambridge even under these calamities. But he began too +late to realise his own folly, and with the memory of his triumphs and +his collapse, of his extravagance and his debts clogging his efforts, +he tried to read. He did read, feverishly, uselessly, and when his +list appeared his name was absent from it. Then followed the fatal +interview with his father, and the inevitable crash, in the course of +which he became the defendant in a celebrated case on the subject of +an infant's necessaries. An occupation was sought for him, but all +capacity for honest effort seemed to have perished with his frankness +and his cheerfulness. After creeping about London in a hang-dog +fashion for a year or two, he eventually decided to tempt misfortune +in the Western States of America. For a time he "ranched" without +success, and was heard of as a frequenter of saloons. A year later he +died ignobly by the revolver of a Western rowdy, in the course of a +drunken brawl. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL FORECASTS.--Mr. PADDY REWSKI will play variations on his +own national Melodies, including the _Gigue Irlandaise_, entitled, +"_Donnybrook Fair_."--Mr. CHARLES REDDIE'S Pianoforte Recital is +fixed for the 17th. It is not placarded about the town, as the clever +pianist says, he's perfectly REDDIE, but he's not WILLING.--Mr. JOSEF +DASH-MY-LUD-WIG is going to give a Second Chamber Concert on behalf +of the Funds of the Second Chambermaid Theatrical Aid Society.--Mr. +CUSINS' Concert is on the 12th. Uncles and Aunts please accept this +intimation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXPERIMENTS BY THE GRAND OLD HYPNOTISER AT ST. +STEPHEN'S.] + + * * * * * + +A HARMLESS GHOST. + + [A Gentleman advertises for an old house, and says, "Harmless + Ghost not objected to."] + +_A Spectre speaks_:-- + + TELL us, good Sir, what is a Harmless Ghost? + One who walks quietly at dead of night, + For just a single hour or so at most, + And never gives folks what is termed a fright? + Is it a Ghost that never clanks his chains, + That never gibbers, and that bangs no door: + But quietly and peacefully remains + In calm possession of some upper floor? + + A Harmless Ghost is not a Ghost at all, + Unworthy of the name; no Headless Man, + Or other spectre that could men appal, + Would condescend to live 'neath such a ban. + No phantom with a grain of self-respect + Would make a promise never to do harm. + Find your old house, but please to recollect, + A Ghost who knows his business _must_ alarm. + + * * * * * + +MORE MASQUERADING. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +WITH reference to the several cases of "Masquerading" that have +recently been mentioned in the columns of a contemporary, I wish to +add a remarkable experience of our own firm, that, if it does not +completely clear the matter up, may at least serve to throw a little +light upon the subject. Last Friday afternoon a middle-aged man of +unmistakable City build dashed wildly into our establishment, and +desired to be supplied with "the largest pantomime head" with which we +could furnish him. This we fortunately had in stock in the shape of a +large green and phosphorescent faced representation of the "Demon of +Despair," which was rendered additionally attractive through being +supplied with a "trick eye," which worked with a string. + +It was evidently of the greatest importance to him that the head +should be natural and becoming, and by the close and satisfied +scrutiny he gave it, and the great care with which he fitted it +on, the one with which we supplied him evidently fully answered his +requirements. His manner was certainly strange, for though he refused +to give his address, he took several flying leaps across the shop, +turning a double back somersault as he cleared the counter, and +finally asked me whether I thought him sufficiently disguised to avoid +recognition in his own immediate circle? + +I told him candidly that I thought his large head, being peculiar, +might possibly draw upon him notice that otherwise he would fail to +arouse, and I added, "You see, it is not as if there were a dozen of +you." + +"True," he replied; "you're quite right. There ought to be a dozen of +us. Look out the heads. I will go and fetch 'em." And he dashed out of +my establishment, followed by a small crowd. In about two hours and +a half, however, he returned, accompanied by twelve other middle-aged +City men, and in almost as short a time as it takes me to tell it, I +had fitted them all with large pantomime heads. + +He paid the bill and left the shop. I watched them all get on to a +King's Cross and Brompton Omnibus, and that was the last I saw of +them. There is nothing very remarkable in the occurrence, as we are +in the habit of making up disguises, sometimes as many as 500 in an +afternoon on the shortest notice. Still I could not help wondering +upon what business my eccentric friend was bent. A Divorce Case? +Possibly a Murder? Who knows? Perhaps somebody may have met the bevy +down West, and can throw some light upon the subject. Meantime, dear +_Mr. Punch_, I beg to subscribe myself, + + Yours respectfully, + A SLY FOX BUT A CAUTIOUS COSTUMIER. + + * * * * * + +"SHORT NOTICE."--Those who did not hear Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH'S +entertainment at St. James's Hall last Saturday week lost a very great +treat. There must have been thousands in London at the moment who +suffered this deprivation. Our Special Noticer was among the number. +Let us hope GEE-GEE will do it again, and all shall be forgiven. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOMMY'S "'ARRIET" DEPARTMENT. + +_A Group omitted from the Military Exhibition._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 2._--Heligoland is safe, but +there were some anxious moments. GEORGE CAMPBELL led attack. House +reassembled after Whitsun recess. Not many present. OLD MORALITY still +sporting in the country, toying with Amaryllis in the shade, or with +tangles of Neaera's hair. (That's how the Member for Sark puts it, +but admits that it's only poetry.) Mr. G. away too, also GRANDOLPH and +HARTINGTON. JOKIM in charge of Government ship; evidently in mildest +mood; didn't once pounce, though sorely tempted by all-pervadingness +of CAMPBELL. That eminent Statesman only began with Heligoland; +steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of salary of +Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland given up. + +"Certainly not," said NICHOLAS WOOD; "must take firm stand with these +Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is +situated. Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall +support BALFOUR." + +Whilst NICHOLAS off in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland, +SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE backs up CAMPBELL. Knows Heligoland +intimately. Seems to have passed best period of useful life there. +Members quite prepared to hear that there it was the famous letter +from Foreign Office found him when, by way of reproof of niggardliness +of Department, he was obeying instructions that transferred him from +Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligoland +_en route_, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules, +whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing +a scion of the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor. +"Hand it over to Germany, in exchange, if you please, for few pounds +of sausages; but get rid of it." + +NICHOLAS, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of +Ireland, lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows, +TOBY," he says; "we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed; +don't quite follow argument. Rather wonder ARTHUR BALFOUR isn't in +his place to explain it; at same time, haven't slightest doubt it's +another Mitchelstown affair--another Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall +watch to see which Lobby our Whips are filling, and march straight +into it." + +Thus Heligoland was saved, NICHOLAS and 149 others voting against +CAMPBELL, who led into the Lobby only 27 patriots. After this, that +man of war, JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON, came to the front, +and led Opposition in matter relating to Sierra Leone. GEORGE CAMPBELL +made several speeches on this topic, and when Amendment negatived, +came up quite fresh with his story of the Pacific Seas, where it seems +there have been excursions, followed by alarums, all converging on +urgent necessity of reducing the salary of the Deputy Commissioner +of the Western Pacific by L200. This also negatived after couple of +hours' discussion. Then GEORGE, stepping lightly from Western Pacific +to the Cape, moved to reduce salary of High Commissioner of South +Africa by L1000. + +"A regular peripatetic seven-leagued-boot mowing-machine," said +JACKSON, gazing dreamily on mobile features of Member for Kircaldy. +Business done.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday._--Question is, shall House adjourn over to-morrow, being +Derby Day, or shall it forbear? ELCHO says, "Yes." WILFRID LAWSON +says, "No." House, upon consideration, agrees with ELCHO, though by +significantly small majority. For holiday, 160; against, 133. COGHILL, +who had vainly protested against adjournment, says majority not so +wide as a church door, but 'twill serve. It's the writing on the wall, +and the Derby holiday in the Commons doomed. COGHILL serious young +man; likes things to be doomed; encouraged by the prospect, becomes +dangerously festive. + +Member who moves Adjournment over Derby Day expected to be funny. PAM, +who, when he was Minister, always did it, established fashion. Been +followed in later days by DICK POWER, and other eminent sportsmen. +ELCHO displayed paternal failing for undue length, but just managed +to stop in time, not spoiling success of speech that greatly pleased +House. Curious to note points of personal resemblance between the +new Lord ELCHO and the old. Son, doubtless designedly, delivered his +speech from corner-seat on front Bench below Gangway, whence, in days +of yore, the father used to hold forth, almost literally buttonholing +House of Commons; holding on to it in much same way as _Ancient +Mariner_ delayed the hungry wedding guest. + +"Happy," says the Member for Sark, "is the Legislature that can spare +an ELCHO for either Chamber! Favoured the generation that succeeds +to such an inheritance! With WEMYSS in the Lords, and ELCHO in the +Commons, there is still hope for my country!" + +[Illustration: A Serious Young Man.] + +Talk about Police Regulation for Procession on Saturday to demonstrate +against Compensation Bill. Citizen PICKERSGILL moved adjournment +of House in order to discuss matter. CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM seized +opportunity to run amuck at his revered Leaders on Front Opposition +Bench. Accused them of sitting there like stuffed figures at Madame +Tussaud's. "Why stuffed?" JOHN MOBLEY asked, but CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM +not to be interrupted in flush of eloquence. When once started went +at them hammer and tongs; only a few battered figures recognisable on +Front Bench when he had finished. + +"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "BRADLAUGH'S got his eye on that Bench. +Means to sit there some day. Want him to know that even that sanctuary +shall not preserve him from my wrath. Just getting my hand in. +He'll be sorry he ever ventured to bite his thumb at me." _Business +done._--Education Vote in Committee. + +_Thursday._--Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL moves Second Reading of his Bill. A +very inoffensive measure, he says; not proposed to sanction creation +of Tunnel under the sea. Oh, dear no! Nothing of that kind. All +that is wanted is that the Company shall be permitted to keep their +machinery oiled, bore for coal, and fill up spare time by fishing for +whitebait with line. Could there be any harm in that? CHUNNEL-TANNEL +asked, with hand outstretched with deprecating gesture towards +Treasury Bench, on which the long length of HICKS BEACH was coiled. + +[Illustration: Citizen Pickersgill.] + +Mr. G. backed up his noble friend; ridiculed idea of danger to England +from creation of Tunnel. If anybody had need for apprehension, it was +France--a fine, subtly patriotic idea, which did not meet with that +measure of applause on Conservative Benches that might have been +expected. Fact is, Conservatives don't like this newly established +friendliness between Mr. G. and CHUNNEL-TANNEL. Noble Lord not so +certain to respond to crack of Ministerial Whip as was his wont +before he yielded to the spell. Stout Ministerialists thinking more +of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S attitude on Irish Question than of probability of +French invasion by proposed Tunnel; so they lustily cheer HICKS-BEACH +when he denounces scheme. Cry, "Oh! oh!" when CHUNNEL-TANNEL makes +crafty appeal for support of Irish Members, and go out in body to stop +up the Tunnel. + +J. S. FORBES watches scene from Strangers' Gallery. Lost in admiration +of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S meek mood. + +"Why, TOBY," he said, in his perturbation brushing his new +curly-brimmed hat the wrong way, "he looks as if butter wouldn't +melt in his mouth. His low voice, his deferential manner, his pained +surprise at suggestion of wanting to do anything else but catch +those whitebait with a line, take one's breath away. A wonderful man +CHUNNEL-TANNEL, but dangerous on this tack. Known him and fought him +man and boy for twenty years; fear him most when in melting mood." +_Business done._--Discussing Tithes Bill. + +_Friday._--Met HART DYKE walking about Corridor with contemplative +air. Debate on Education Vote going forward in House. "How is it you +aren't on Treasury Bench?" I asked. + +"Can't stand any more of it, TOBY. My hair positively beginning to +frizzle under heat of blushes. Never suspected myself of being +such Heavenborn Education Minister. But they all say it--MUNDELLA, +PLAYFAIR, LUBBOCK, and even SAM SMITH. CRANBORNE and TALBOT not quite +so sure; but on other side one chorus of approval. Bore it pretty well +for hour or so; but at end of that time grows embarrassing. Just came +out for little walk; look in again presently." + +On Report of Supply, GEORGE CAMPBELL strolled in from the Pacific; +proposed to call attention to mission of Sir LINTON SIMMONS to the +POPE. No Vote connected therewith happens to be in Estimates; so +SPEAKER ruled him out of Order. + +[Illustration: Minister of Education.] + +"Oh, very well," said GEORGE; "that's out of order is it? Well, let +me see, there's Japan;" and he talked for thirty-five minutes about +Japan. + +_Business done._--Education Vote agreed to. + + * * * * * + +THE SCHOOL BOARD BEFORE THE END OF THE CENTURY. + +(_A Prophecy of the Near Future._) + +THE children had left the school, and the pianos were closed for the +night. The Senior Wranglers who had been conducting the lessons were +divesting themselves of their academical robes, and preparing to +quit the premises to return to their palatial homes, the outcome of a +portion of their princely salaries. In couples they disappeared until +only one was left--he was older than his colleagues, and consequently +slower in his movements. As he was about to summon his carriage a +wild-looking individual suddenly appeared before him, and, sinking in +a chair, appealed to him with a gesture that, fraught with weakness, +was yet defiant. + +"What do you want with me, my good man?" asked the Senior Wrangler, +who had a kindly nature. + +"What have you done with my sons?" gasped the visitor. + +"No doubt, if they were intended for crossing-sweepers, we have +instructed them in the rudiments of classical dancing, and if you +purposed bringing them up as errand-boys, it is highly probable that +we have taught them how to play upon the harpsichord." + +"That's how it is!" cried the other. "They _have_ been taught how to +play on the harpsichord; and, as the instrument is obsolete, I ask +you, Sir, how are they to get their living?" + +"That is no affair of mine, my good fellow," returned the Senior +Wrangler, dryly. "It is my duty to teach the child, and not to answer +the questions of the parent." + +"And the rates are doubled!" cried the Board Scholar's father, +wringing his hands in despair, "and I am ruined!" The Senior Wrangler +was growing impatient. He had to dine at the Club, and go to the +Opera. "Well, what do you want with me?" he asked. + +"Employment!" cried the other, in an agony of woe. "Give me +employment. I have been ruined by the rates; let the rates support +me--give me employment!" + +The Senior Wrangler considered for a moment; then he spoke-- + +"Do you think, my friend, that you could look after our highest +class?" The man shook his head. + +"I am afraid not, Sir. My education was neglected. Beyond reading, +writing, and arithmetic, I know next to nothing." + +"That will not be an objection," returned the Senior Wrangler, as he +put a gardenia in his button-hole. "Our highest class is composed of +our oldest pupils, and as they all suffer from over-pressure, your +duties will be simply those of an attendant in an asylum for the care +of the imbecile!" And the Ruined Ratepayer was entirely satisfied. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 281: MAGGIE MCINTYRE, _Wednesday_ becomes MAGGIE MACINTYRE on +_Thursday._ + + Both have been retained, as the transcriber does not know which +is correct, or if the two were interchangeable. + +Page 287: 'posesssion' corrected to 'possession': + "In calm possession of some upper floor". + +In this etext a carat denotes a superscript follows. + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, June 14 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33366.txt or 33366.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/3/6/33366/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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