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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+June 14 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 14 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis  Burnand
+
+Release Date: August 7, 2010 [EBook #33366]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 98, JUNE 14TH 1890
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. VI.
+
+"Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the Jury, even at
+the expense of the Judge." (An opportunity often occurs after Lunch.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GOOD OLD GRACE!"
+
+(_Doggerel on "The Doctor," by an "Old Duffer."_)
+
+    "Dr. GRACE, who seemed to forget his lameness, played with
+    great vigour and dash, and his cuts and drives possessed all
+    their old brilliancy."--_The Times, on the exciting finish in
+    the Cricket Match between the M.C.C. and the Australians, June
+    3, 1890._
+
+  One hundred and eleven runs, and eighty-five minutes to make 'em in,
+  And with TURNER and FERRIS to trundle as fast as they could pitch
+          and break 'em in!
+  And it looked any odds on MURDOCH'S men contriving to make a draw
+          of it;
+  But Cricket, my lads, is a curious game, and uncertainty seems the
+          sole law of it.
+  So they sent in GRACE and SHUTER to start. Well, the Doctor is now
+          called "a veteran,"
+  But at forty-two when he's on the job 'tisn't easy to pick out a
+          better 'un.
+  And he "spanked for four," like a lad once more, and he cut and he
+          drove like winking;
+  Though his leg _was_ lame, he forgot that same, and he "played the
+          game" without shrinking.
+  And Surrey's SHUTER he did his part, and so did Notts' GUNN, Sir,
+  Though he _might_ have chucked the game away when the Doctor he
+          managed to out-run, Sir.
+  It was hard, you see, upon W. G. in _that_ way to lose his wicket,
+  But all the same he had won the game, and had played superlative
+          Cricket.
+  Forty-three to make, and forty-five minutes! But GRACE and GUNN
+          were equal to it;
+  And a win, with a quarter of an hour in hand, was the satisfactory
+          sequel to it.
+  The Australians played a manly game, without any dawdling or
+          shirking;
+  And if they didn't avoid defeat why it wasn't for want of hard
+          working.
+  But the stiff-legged "Doctor" who forced the game in the most
+          judgmatical fashion,
+  And forgot his leg and his "forty year" odd, full flushed with a
+          Cricketer's passion!
+  Why he's the chap who deserves a shout. Bravo, brave "W. G," Sir.
+  And when you next are on the job, may the "Duffer" be there to
+          see, Sir!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEVELOPING HAWARDEN.
+
+    "The locality is extremely healthy, and Hawarden will probably
+    become a large residential place, and a centre of mining
+    industry."--_Mr. Gladstone's Evidence before the Commissioners
+    for Welsh Intermediate Education._
+
+_Monday._--Wood-cutting. Inconvenient having so many villas built all
+round park. Inhabitants inspect everything I do. Nasty little boys
+(whom I can see over their garden wall) shout "Yah!" and wave large
+primrose wreath. Irritating. Perhaps due to healthiness of air. Retire
+to another part of the demesne. Heavens! what is that erection? Looks
+like a Grand Stand, in a private garden, crowded with people. It
+is! Invited (by owner of garden) specially to view me and (I hear
+afterwards) my "celebrated wood-cutting performance," at a shilling
+a-head. Disgusted. Go in.
+
+_Tuesday._--Down local coal-mine. Interesting to have one at
+Park-gates. Explain to colliers principle of the Davy lamp. Colliers
+seem attentive, Ask me at the end for "a trifle to drink my health
+with." Don't they know I am opposed to Endowment of Public-houses?
+Yes, "but they aren't," they reply. Must invite WILFRID LAWSON to
+Hawarden.
+
+_Wednesday._--Curious underground rumblings. Wall of Castle develops
+huge crack. _What_ is it? A dynamite plot? Can SALISBURY have
+hired----? HERBERT comes in, and tells me the proprietor of Hawarden
+Salt Mine has just sent his compliments; with a request that I would
+"shore up" the Castle. Otherwise "he is afraid it may fall in on his
+workmen." Impudence! Why can't they dig under Eaton Hall instead?
+
+_Thursday._--WATKIN here. Offers to make a Tunnel under Castle, from
+one mine to the other. Why a Tunnel? Also wants to dig for gold in
+Park. Ask him, if there's any reason to suppose gold exists there? He
+says you never can tell what you may come to if you bore long enough.
+"At all events, even if no gold there, the boring useful if at any
+time I feel inclined for a Tunn----" Go in. WATKIN _has_ bored long
+enough already.
+
+_Friday._--STEPHEN drops in, and says "new Hawarden
+Cathedral"--_really_ built to accommodate people who come to hear
+me read Lessons, only STEPHEN thinks it's his sermons that are the
+attraction--"will soon he finished." I suggest that he should have
+Welsh "intermediate" services now and then. STEPHEN says "_he_ doesn't
+know Welsh, and can't see why Welsh people can't drop their horrible
+tongue at once, and all speak English." Pained, Tell him _he_ needn't
+conduct service--any Welsh-speaking clergyman would do. STEPHEN
+replies that if he introduced Welsh service, "villa-residents would
+boycott the Cathedral altogether." Well, supposing they do? STEPHEN
+retorts that "I had better have an Irish service at once, and get
+PARNELL up to read the Lessons." Something in the idea. Must think it
+over.
+
+_Saturday._--My usual holiday. Fifteen speeches. Park literally
+crammed. Excursionists, colliers, salt-miners, villa-residents, and
+Chester Liberals, all seem to find locality tremendously healthy. All
+enjoying themselves thoroughly. Wish _I_ was. Worn-out in evening.
+Begin to wonder what Park and Castle would fetch, if I were to go and
+settle in Hebrides to escape mob.
+
+_Sunday._--Escorted by two regiments of mounted Volunteers to Church.
+Volunteers have great difficulty in securing a passage. Have to use
+butts of their muskets on more impulsive spectators. Curious that just
+at this point I should Remember Mitchelstown. Must try and get over
+the habit. Lessons as usual. Find a crushed primrose between the
+pages, evidently put there on purpose. Those villa-residents again!
+Surely DREW might inspect the lectern before service commences! Home,
+and think seriously of Hebrides.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPOT.
+
+(_By a Practical Sportsman._)
+
+  The spot for me all spots above
+    In this wide world of casual lodgers,
+  Is not the nook sacred to love;
+    The "cot beside a rill" of ROGER'S.
+  'Tis not the spot which TOMMY MOORE
+    Praised in "_The Meeting of the Waters_."
+  Avoca's Vale my soul would bore;
+    I should prefer more lively quarters.
+  Thy "little spot," ELIZA COOK,
+    Means merely patriotic flummery;
+  And COLERIDGE'S "hidden brook"
+    Won't fetch me, e'en when weather's summery.
+  I hold the Picturesque is rot,
+    "Love in a Cot" means scraps for dinner;
+  I only know _one_ pleasant spot,--
+    I mean the "spot" that "finds a winner!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRIVATE AND SPECIAL LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.--Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH'S new
+novel is to be entitled, _Won of the Conquerors_. It would be unfair
+to the author to mention how what the Conquerors had conquered was won
+from them in turn. "I am at liberty to inform the public, however,"
+says the BARON DE B.-W., "that WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR is not in it
+with the others. I am able also to assure his numerous admirers that
+_Beauchamp's Career_ is not a medicinal romance, and has no sort of
+connection with a certain widely-advertised remedy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WILL HE GET THROUGH?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILLIAM HENRY _loquitur_:--
+
+  Pouf! Pouf! I'm that awfully out of breath with my long and
+          terrified scamper,
+  With that bull on my track, and this bag on my back, a burden that
+          Milo would hamper.
+  Though Milo was not a pedestrian "pot," nor was it a turnstile
+          that nipped him;
+  No, if I remember my classics aright, 'twas the fork of a
+          pine-tree that gripped him.
+  But nowadays one had need be a Milo and a fleet Pheidippides in
+          one, Sir.
+  And with carrying weight I'm in such a state, it isn't much
+          further _I_ can run, Sir.
+  Oh, drat that bull! Will nobody pull the brute by the tail, and
+          stop him?
+  Such beasts didn't ought to be let loose; in the _clôture_ pound
+          they should pop him,
+  With a gag on his muzzle. This turnstile's a puzzle, with its
+          three blessed wings, confound it!
+  I don't see my way to getting through it, and there's no way of
+          getting round it;
+  And I _am_ that fat--no, I won't say that; but I'm not, like dear
+          ARTHUR, quite lathy.
+  And I'm sure, by the bellow of that bull, that the fellow is
+          getting exceedingly wrathy.
+  Pouf! Now for a burst! Which to take the first of the turnstile
+          wings is the floorer.
+  If I breast it wrongly, though I'm going strongly, I'll expose my
+          rear to yon roarer.
+  Eugh! I fancy I feel his horns, like steel, my person viciously
+          prodding.
+  Against such points broadcloth's no protection, although padded
+          with woollen "wadding."
+  Oh, hang this bag! I shall lose the swag, if I slacken or lag one
+          second.
+  I thought I had measured my distance so well, but I fear that I
+          must have misreckoned.
+  That bull of GLADDY'S most certainly mad is, though he gave me his
+          word, the Old Slyboots,
+  It was perfectly quiet. I have SALISBURY'S fiat, but I wish he was
+          only in _my_ boots.
+  "Tithes first," indeed! Why, with all my speed, and my puffings,
+          and perspiration,
+  I doubt if I'll be in time to get through; and as for that
+          "Compensation,"
+  It is sure to stick. "_Quick_, SMITH, _man_, _quick!_" Oh, it's all
+          very well to holloa;
+  With a sack on one's back, and a bull on one's track, 'tisn't easy
+          that counsel to follow.
+  My life's hardly worth an hour's "Purchase," if I'm overtaken by
+          Taurus.
+  Such brutes didn't ought to be loose in the fields, to bore us,
+          and score us, and gore us.
+  "_Run! run!_" Oh, _ain't_ I running like winking? Reach the
+          turnstile? I may just do it
+  But with its three wings--oh, confound the things!--I much doubt
+          if I'll ever get _through_ it!
+
+    [_Left trying._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+THE attention of statisticians has lately been directed to a question
+of no little interest. To put it as shortly as possible, the point is
+to discover the number and size of the mayonnaises of lobster consumed
+in the course of one evening in the district bounded on the east by
+Berkeley Square, and extending westward as far as Earl's Court. It is
+well-known that no lobster ever walked backwards. Taking this as the
+basis of our calculations and assuming that [Greek: pi]^{n_1} is
+equal to the digestive apparatus of six hundred dowagers, we reach
+the surprising total of 932,146-1/8 lobsters. No allowance is made for
+dressing or returned empties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A Poet" writes to us as follows:--"I have long been puzzled by
+the difficulty attending the proper construction of rhymed verse in
+English. Some words possess many rhymes, others only a few, others
+again none. Yet I find that the temptation to end a line with a
+non-rhyme-possessing word like 'month' is almost irresistible, and
+frequently gives rise to the most painful results. In the course of my
+emotional ballad entitled, '_The Bard's Daughter_,' I was compelled on
+an average to kill half-a-dozen German bands every day, and to throw
+ten jam-pots at my butler for unseasonable interruptions. Can any of
+your readers help me?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A flight of ducks was observed to settle on the Serpentine yesterday
+at four o'clock exactly. They had been moving in a westerly direction.
+The Park-keepers explain this curious incident by the well-known
+affection of these birds for water, combined with an occasional
+impulse to aërial navigation, but the explanation appears to us
+inadequate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In Vienna the other day, a Cabman was observed to claim more than his
+fare from an elderly lady, whom he afterwards abused violently in the
+choicest Austrian for refusing to comply with his demands. After all,
+the nature of Cabmen all over the world varies very little. Elderly
+Ladies too, are much the same.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. STANLEY continues to attend dances, dinners and receptions at
+the usual hours. He has lately expressed himself in strong terms with
+regard to the action of a friendly Power on the continent of Africa.
+Mr. STANLEY appears to think very lightly of the Foreign Office
+pigeon-holes, in which his treaties have been stored in the meantime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
+
+_Sympathetic Spinster._ "AND IS YOUR OTHER BOY AT ALL LIKE THIS ONE?"
+
+_Proud Mother._ "OH, NO; QUITE A CONTRAST TO HIM!"
+
+_Sympathetic Spinster._ "HOW NICE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)
+
+HA! ha! I knew it, I knew it! All the grog-blossomed addle-pates in
+the world couldn't have induced me to back _Surefoot_. There they
+were cackling in their usual hugger-mugger Bedlamite, gin-palace,
+gruel-brained fashion, with Mr. J. at the head of them blowing a
+_fan-fare_ upon his own cracked penny trumpet. But I had my eye on
+them all the time. For as the public must have discovered long before
+this, if there is one person in the world who sets their interests
+above everything, and swerves neither to the right nor to the left in
+the effort to save them from the depredations of the pilfering gang
+of pig-jobbers and moon-calves who chatter on sporting matters, that
+person, I say it without offence, is _me_.
+
+What was it I said last week about _Sainfoin_? "_Sainfoin_," I said,
+"is not generally supposed to cover grass, but there are generally
+exceptions." A baby in arms could have understood this. It meant, of
+course, that _Sainfoin_ never lets the grass grow under his feet, and
+that on the exceptional occasion of the Derby Day, he would win the
+race. _And he did win the race._ We all know that; all, that is,
+except Mr. J.'s lot, who still seem to think that they know something
+about racing. But I have made my pile, and so have my readers, and
+we can afford to snap our fingers at every pudding-headed
+barnacle-grabber in the world. So much for the Derby.
+
+As for the Oaks, it would be impossible to conceive anything more
+scientifically, nay geometrically, accurate than my forecast.
+"_Memoir_," I said, "might do _pour servir_." Well, didn't she? And if
+anybody omitted to back her, all I can nay is, serve them right for
+a pack of goose-brained Bedlamites. For myself, I can only say that,
+having made a colossal fortune by my speculations, I propose shortly
+to retire from the Turf I have so long adorned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BIASSED AUTHOR.--One whose MS. is written "on one side only."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ASK A WHITE MAN!
+
+(_Highly Humorous Song. Sung with Immense Success by King M'Tesa, of
+Uganda._)
+
+"King M'TESA inquired of Mr. STANLEY what an 'Angel' was. He (Mr.
+STANLEY) had not seen an angel, but imagination was strong, and M'TESA
+was so interested in what he was told, that he slapped his thigh
+and said, 'There! if you want to hear news, or wish to hear words of
+wisdom, always ask a white man.'"--_Mr. Stanley at the Mansion House._
+
+[Illustration: "If you want to know, you know, ask a White Man."]
+
+AIR--"_Ask a Policeman!_"
+
+  THE White Men are a noble band
+    (Though TIPPOO swears they're not),
+  Their valour is tremendous, and
+    They know an awful lot,
+  If anything you'd learn, and meet
+    A White Man on the way,
+  Ask _him_. You'll find him a complete
+    En-cy-clo-pć-di-a.
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+  If you want to know, you know,
+            Ask a White Man!
+  Near Nyanza or Congo,
+            Ask a White Man!
+  In Uganda I am King,
+  Yet _I_ don't know everything.
+  If you want to know, you know,
+            Ask a White Man!
+
+  If you would learn how best to fight
+    Your way through regions queer,
+  Thread forest mazes dark as night,
+    And deserts dim and drear!
+  If you your rival's roads would shut,
+    And get his in your grip;
+  You go to him, he's artful, but
+    He'll give you the straight tip.
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+  If you'd know your way about,
+            Ask a White Man!
+  He knows every in and out
+            Does a White Man!
+  He will tell you like a shot
+            If the roads are good or not;
+  He can open up the lot,
+            Ask a White Man!
+
+  And if about the Angels you
+    Feel cu-ri-os-i-ty,
+  For information prompt and true,
+    To a White Man apply.
+  _He_ knows 'em, and, indeed, 'tis said
+    Himself is _almost_ such.
+  His "words of wisdom" on this head
+    Will interest you much.
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+  If you want to shoot and drink,
+            Ask a White Man!
+  He can help you there, I think.
+            Ask a White Man!
+  If you'll learn to grab and fight,
+            And be mutually polite,
+  And observe the laws of Right,
+            Ask a White Man!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+THEATRICAL CRITICISM.
+
+"_Mr. Ranter's Macbeth is too well known to all play-goers to need
+any special notice at our hands. Those who have not yet seen it should
+avail themselves of the present opportunity;_" _i.e._, "Can't pitch
+into old RANTER, good chap and personal friend."
+
+DIAGNOSTIC.
+
+"_I should say in your case, that the Digestion was a little upset;_"
+_i.e._, "As gross a case of over-eating as I have ever come across in
+the whole of my professional experience. You must have been feeding,
+literally, like a hog, for years!"
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_What I so like about dear Sibyl is her charming simplicity;_"
+_i.e._, "The silliest little chit conceivable."
+
+"_His conversation is always so very improving;_" _i.e._, "A pedantic
+prig, who bores you with Darwinism in the dance, and 'earnestness' at
+a tennis-party."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOPPING THE TRIPOS;
+
+_Or, Something like a Score for the Sex._
+
+    [In the Cambridge Mathematical Tripos Miss P. G. FAWCETT, of
+    Newnham, daughter of the late Professor FAWCETT, is declared
+    to be "above the Senior Wrangler."]
+
+  ABOVE the Senior Wrangler! Pheugh!
+    Where now are male reactionaries
+  Who flout the feminine, and pooh-pooh
+    Sweet Mathematic MEGS and MARIES?
+  Who says a girl is only fit
+    To be a dainty, dancing dangler?
+  Here's girlhood's prompt reply to it:
+    Miss FAWCETT tops the Senior Wrangler!
+
+  Would it not have rejoiced the heart
+    Of her stout sire, the brave Professor?
+  AGNETA RAMSAY made good start,
+    But here's a shining she-successor!
+  Many a male who failed to pass
+    Will hear it with flushed face and jaw set.
+  But _Mr. Punch_ brims high his glass,
+    And drinks your health, Miss P. G. FAWCETT!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH PLAYS.
+
+SCENE--_Her Majesty's Theatre._ _Enter_ Mr. _and_ Mrs. BROWN.
+
+_Brown_ (_to_ Boxkeeper, _with the air of a Sovereign conferring an
+Order upon a faithful subject_). There's sixpence for a programme.
+
+_Boxkeeper._ Very sorry, Sir, but it isn't a programme; it's a Book of
+the Argument, and we have to pay _that_ for it ourselves!
+
+_Brown_ (_resenting the information_). Oh, bother! Then I'll do
+without it.
+
+_Mrs. Brown_ (_annoyed_). Why didn't you get a book? You know we'll
+never understand it without one.
+
+_Brown._ Nonsense, my dear! It's a distinct advantage to trust to
+one's own resources.
+
+    [_Curtain goes up, and discovers a number of male characters,
+    who come on and go off severally._
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ What are they talking about?
+
+_Brown._ Oh, all sorts of things. (_Enter_ Mlle. DARLAUD, as Lydie
+Vaillant.) Ah! you see this is the heroine.
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Is it? (_Examining her through opera-glass._) Very
+simple frock. I think I shall have one like it.
+
+_Brown_ (_dreading a dress-maker invasion_). Oh, it wouldn't suit you
+at all. You always look better in silks and satins.
+
+    [_Entr'acte over._ _Second Act_, Madame PASCA appears, _and is
+    admirable_.
+
+_Mrs. Brown_ (_deeply interested_). CHARLEY, dear, she's wearing
+Russian net, and you know you can get it at----
+
+_Brown_ (_hurriedly_). Hush, you are disturbing everybody.
+
+_Mrs. Brown_ (_at end of Second Act_). What was it all about?
+
+_Brown._ Oh, didn't you see. It was a castle, and a number of tourists
+were shown round the pictures by an old servant. Excellent!
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ I do so wish you would get a book.
+
+_Brown._ Oh, we can do without it now--the piece is nearly over.
+
+    [_Third Act is played, and Curtain falls._
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Well, what was _that_ about?
+
+_Brown._ Oh, didn't you see they had breakfast--and with tea too, not
+with wine. Very strange how English customs are spreading.
+
+    [_Tableau I. of Act III. is played. Considerable applause._
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ I don't quite understand _that_.
+
+_Brown._ You don't! Why, it's as simple as possible. _Paul Astier_
+arrived late, and dressed for dinner. Excellent!
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ But what's the plot?
+
+_Brown._ Oh, _that's_ of secondary importance--the piece is a clever
+skit upon modern manners! (_Tableau II. is played._) Capital! Wasn't
+MADAME PASCA good when she wanted a glass of water?
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Quite too perfect! And her velvet and satin gown was
+absolutely lovely! (_With determination._) I shall get one like it!
+
+_Brown_ (_alarmed_). I am not so sure! You look better in muslins.
+
+    [_Last Act is played, and_ Paul Astier _is shot dead_.
+
+_Mrs. Brown_ (_much affected_). Oh! what did they do _that_ for?
+
+_Brown._ Don't you see--the reward of life. Hence the title.
+(_Subsequently in the cab._) Wasn't it good? Didn't you enjoy
+yourself?
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Very much indeed, but I _do_ wish you had got a book!
+(_To herself._) Let me see--green velvet over white satin. (_Aloud._)
+It will take about eighteen yards!
+
+_Brown_ (_waking up_). Eighteen yards of what?
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Oh, nothing! I was only thinking.
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon a mental vision of the dress-maker from
+    opposite points of view._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ALLOWED TO STARVE."--To save time, contributions to the Balaclava
+Fund should be forwarded direct to the Editor of _The St. James's
+Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
+
+[Illustration: _Poor little Zélie (beseechingly)._ O Mr. Randegger,
+_do_ let me have my bouquets!]
+
+_Monday._--_Don Giovanni._ RAVELLI the Reliable an excellent _Don
+Ottavio_, vocally; considered dramatically, he does as much as can be
+expected of a man of his inches. _Zerlina_ and _Masetto_ so pleased
+with his singing that they stop on the stage all through the _tessoro_
+song, for which he takes a hearty _encore_, whereupon _Zerlina_ and
+_Mazetto_ run off quickly. Having had enough of it, however, they do
+not return for the _encore_. Rather rude this. DAN DRADY too sinister
+for gay _Don Giovanni_; and there is a villanous determination
+about his gallantry which would have frightened away the coquettish
+_Zerlina_, and have warned the more mature ladies of the world, _Donna
+Anna_ and _Donna Elvira_, in time to prevent them from falling victims
+to his wiles. Otherwise a highly satisfactory _Don_. Signor PLUNKETTO
+GREENO as the unfortunate _Commendatore_, who is first killed, and
+then executed in stone, as a statue to his own memory, was heard and
+seen to the best advantage. ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN, too Carmenish as flighty
+little _Zerlina_, but evidently a match for the sardonic Don DAN
+DRADY. Madame TAVARY has done well to quit the Hofoperahaus, Munich,
+and come to Covengardenhaus as _Donna Anna_,--a trying part that not
+_Anna_-body can play and sing as well as Madame TAVARY. This lady
+and LILIAN NORDICA (pretty name LILIAN) as _Donna Elvira_ render the
+characters so charmingly, that they cease to be the funereal bores I
+have generally considered them. _Ottavio_, _Anna_, and _Elvira_, the
+trio with a grievance, are, usually, about as cheerful as the three
+Anabaptists in _Le Prophčte. Mais on a changé tout cela_. PALLADINO,
+as the dancing guest--she is always small and early in every Opera
+now--delights everyone, and so does Conductor RANDEGGER, who is
+determined that poor little ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN shall not receive the big
+bouquets which a mysterious man has brought to the orchestra; then one
+of the instrumentalists handed them to the leader, who, in order
+to take them, has been compelled to put down his violin, and, after
+looking about in a helpless and puzzled manner, holds them until
+further orders from his chief. Not receiving further orders, he
+occupies his time by sniffing at the flowers and making remarks _sotto
+voce_ to his companion violinist on the botanical beauties of the
+_flora_. Conductor RANDEGGER, apparently unaware of what has been
+taking place behind his back, turns round abruptly to inquire why
+leader is taking a few bars' rest. Leading violinist exhibits bouquet,
+and appeals in dumb show to conductor. The conductor's eye in fine
+frenzy rolling, says as clearly as fine frenzied rolling eye can say
+anything, "Remove that bauble!"--(RANDEGGER would make up remarkably
+well as _Cromwell_)--and the leader, with a sympathetic and apologetic
+glance at ZÉLIE as implying, "You should have had 'em if _I_ could
+have managed it, but you see how I'm situated. RANDEGGER'S a hard
+man"--puts the bouquets on the floor of the orchestra, and, dismissing
+them by a supreme effort from his thoughts, betakes himself to his
+musical Paganinic duties. What becomes of the flowers that bloom in
+the orchestra, _tra la!_ I don't know, I wish that ZÉLIE may get them.
+Remembering the example set by "Practical JOHN" at the Gaiety, of
+placarding up everywhere in the theatre "No Fees," DRURIOLANUS, at
+the suggestion of Conductor RANDEGGER, might "hang out a banner on
+the outer wall" of the orchestra, with the letters inscribed on it
+"N.B.--No Bouquets."
+
+_Tuesday._--The grandest night of the Season up to now, dear boys.
+_Romeo_ JEAN DE RESZKÉ, and MELBA _Juliette_. What can you wish for
+more? EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ as the _Frčre Laurent_ a magnificent Friar,
+belonging to some one of the theatrical "Orders" "not admitted
+after seven." The talented Mlle. BAUERMEISTER'S _Gertrude_ hardly a
+companion picture to her _Martha_ in _Faust_. Signor PLUNKETTO GREENO
+not quite every inch a Duke: about one inch in three Duke and the rest
+Democrat. When he has been _Duke of Verona_ long enough, he'll be all
+right, and most likely
+
+  He'll be, this Mister PLUNKET GREENE,
+  The Dukiest Duke that ever was seen.
+
+A word to the wise. Whenever this Season _Romeo and Juliette_ is
+played with this cast, go and see it. Don't hesitate. It's memorable.
+A feast for ear and eye. _Ite ad astra-operatica._ And at the same
+time, don't forget to honourably mention the founder of the feast,
+AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS.
+
+_Wednesday._--Extra. _Carmen._ Derby Day. I have been at the Derby.
+Glad to get back again. As to "back again," I don't "back again"
+anything for a long time. But, _ŕ nos moutons_. _Toreador_ evidently
+has had his money on _Sainfoin_. Never sang better. Glad to see
+the simple Scotch lassie, MAGGIE MCINTYRE, once more as the village
+maiden. Charming. ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN as wickedly attractive as ever.
+What a collection such a gipsy would make on a Derby Day--a fine Derby
+Day--among the "pretty gentlemen" whose fortunes she would tell. Extra
+night this, and extra good.
+
+_Thursday._--A WAGNER Night. Crowded to see JEAN DE RESZKÉ as another
+Wagner Knight. NEDDIE DE RESZKÉ as the _King Henry_--every inch a
+King, and something to spare. Freddy Telramondo suits DAN DRADY
+better than _Don Giovanni_. Madame FURSCH-MADI as the wicked
+_Ortruda_,--("Never saw ought ruder than her conduct to Elsa,"
+observes the irrepressible Mr. WAGSTAFF,)--And MAGGIE MACINTYRE as the
+virtuous but unhappy _Elsa_. The stranger in the land of WAGNER begins
+to wonder at the continuous flow of the melody, not one tiny cupful
+of which can he take away with him, until with joy he hears the Bridal
+Chorus at the commencement of the Third Act, and for a few moments he
+rests _dans un pays de connaissance_.
+
+_Friday._--_Lucia di Lammermoor._ Great night for Madame MELBA.
+Recalled three times before Curtain after each Act. Living
+illustration of once popular romance, "_Called Back_." Great night,
+too, for Harpist and Flutist. Both gentlemen highly applauded, and
+would have been recalled, but for the fact of their not having quitted
+the orchestra. Harper plays solo from _Harper's Miscellany_, arranged
+by DONIZETTI. RAVELLI the Reliable recalled also.
+
+_Saturday._--Brilliant house. Royal Highnesses early to come and last
+to go. Magnificent performance of _Die Meistersinger_. M. ISNARDON
+very comic as _Beckmesser_, LASSALLE a noble Hans Sachs ("the
+shoemaker who sings a sole-o," says Mr. WAGSTAFF), JEAN DE RESZKÉ a
+grand young _Walther_, MONTARIOL (as before) a capital silly idiot
+_David_, Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER very lively as _Magdalena_, and
+Madame TAVARY a skittish young chit in the somewhat trying and rather
+thankless part of _Eva_. The tenor's song to her ought to be, "EVA, of
+thee I'm fondly dreaming," if WAGNER had only thought of it. Opera too
+long; but Wagnerites don't complain, and certainly to-night they get
+their money's worth and something over, from 7.30 till past midnight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SWEET THING IN CRITICISM.
+
+CARDINAL MANNING, apparently having been invited by its author to
+express an opinion upon Mr. WM. O'BRIEN'S "_When we were Boys_,"
+writes:--"When I got to the end, I forgot the book, and would only
+think of Ireland--its manifest sufferings, and its inextricable
+sorrows." His Eminence then continues:--"I hope to see the day break,
+and I hope you will see the noontide, when the people of Ireland will
+be readmitted, so far as is possible, to the possession of their own
+soil, and shall be admitted, so far as is possible, to the making and
+administration of their own local laws, while they shall still share
+in the legislation which governs and consolidates the Empire. Then
+_Ken_ and _Mabel_ shall be no more parted."
+
+No doubt this excellent critique will be followed by the publication
+of letters somewhat similar to the following:--
+
+    DEAR MR. APPLES,--I promised to write to you after I had used
+    your Soap. When I had finished washing my hands, I forgot
+    everything but gallant little Wales. I hope to see the
+    morning, and trust you will see the evening, of that time when
+    the bold sun of freedom will shine over a land true to itself,
+    as far as possible, and rejoicing in the name of the country
+    without stain. Then will we all say, "Good afternoon,"
+    followed by the customary inquiry. Believe me,
+
+  Always yours very faithfully,        W. E. GL-DST-NE.
+
+Should this mode of criticism be extended, the benefit to those who
+have to review without knowing what to say will be obvious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Heading of an Old Epitaph.
+
+    "A remarkable coincidence has attended the drawings of two of
+    the principal Club Derby Sweepstakes. As we stated yesterday,
+    the Garrick Club Sweepstakes, of the value of Ł300, has fallen
+    to Mr. HENRY IRVING. We now learn that Mr. TOOLE benefits to
+    the extent of Ł75 out of the Sweepstakes of the Devonshire
+    Club."--_Daily News._
+
+LOVELY in Life, they were Both There when the Sweepstakes were
+Divided.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SEVERE SENTENCE.
+
+_She._ "YES, DEAR, I'M AFRAID COOK WANTS JUDGMENT." _He._ "_JUDGMENT!_
+SHE WANTS _EXECUTION!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THREE FISHERS."
+
+  THREE fishers went fishing North-east and North-west
+    (Like the trio from Kingsley familiarly known).
+  Each thought himself, doubtless, the bravest and best,
+    And held the good "swims" should be mainly his own.
+  There was JOHNNY the Briton, and FRANÇOIS the Frank,
+  And JONATHAN also, the artful young Yank,
+    An expert at "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  And FRANÇOIS the Frank, who went fishing for cod,
+    Nicked lobsters as well, and he stuck to them too;
+  He declared they were all the same thing, which seemed odd,
+    The result being anger and hullaballoo,
+  And rows about Bounties, and shines about Bait;
+  For ructions all round are as certain as fate,
+    When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  And JONATHAN, well, _he_ went fishing for seals,
+    And he wanted the fishing grounds all to himself.
+  When the Russ had done ditto, the Yank had raised squeals
+    (How consistency's floored in the struggle for pelf!)
+  And JONATHAN took a most high-handed course;
+  For greediness mostly falls back on brute force,
+    When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  And JOHNNY the Briton, a sturdy old salt,
+    Had been a sea-grabber himself in his time;
+  Some held that monopoly still was his fault,
+    Others swore that his modesty verged upon crime,
+  Nor is it quite easy to say which was true,
+  For so much depends on a man's point of view,
+    When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  But when JOHNNY the Briton caught sight of the Frank
+    Making tracks with a lobster--the whoppingest one--
+  And when he perceived the impertinent Yank
+    With the seal--such a spanker!--skedaddling like fun,
+  He stood and he shouted, "Stop thief! Hi! Hold hard!"
+  For language does not always "go by the card,"
+    When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  "Now then, you sea-grabbers," he bellowed, "Belay!
+    I suppose you imagine I'm out of it quite.
+  But you're not going to have it just all your own way.
+    Fair dues! my dear boys. After all, right is right!
+  Big Behring is no _mare clausum_, young Yank,
+  And cold Newfoundland is not _yours_, my fine Frank,
+    In spite of your 'bouncing' and 'boning.'"
+
+  Well, he of the Lobster and he of the Seal
+    Have rights of their own, which old JOHN won't deny.
+  But _he_ has some too, and _Punch_ hopes they will feel
+    That they should not grab his, and had better not try.
+  Some _modus vivendi_ no doubt can be found,
+  To make the Three Fishers quite friendly all round,
+    And good-bye to all "bouncing" and "boning!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELCHO ANSWERS.
+
+  _Q._ What loves "The Country" more than Tithes Bills tracing?
+  _A._                                        Racing!
+  _Q._ And what than "Compensation's" doubtful courses?
+  _A._                                        'Orses!
+  _Q._ Than Bills of Irish Tenants poor to favour rights?
+  _A._                                        Favourites!
+  _Q._ What does it find as profitless as St. Stephens?
+  _A._                                        "Evens!"
+  _Q._ What more exciting than "The Pouncer's" nods?
+  _A._                                        "Odds!"
+  _Q._ What does it love far more than LABBY'S jokes?
+  _A._                                        "Oaks!"
+  _Q._ And what beyond all ELCHO'S quirks and quips?
+  _A._                                        "Tips!"
+  _Q._ What would it call him who of "Sport" turns squelcher?
+  _A._                                        "Welsher!!!"
+  _Q._ Who finds the "Derby" closing satisfactory?
+  _A._                                        Hack Tory!
+  _Q._ What's the protesting Puritan Gladstonian?
+  _A._                                        "Stony 'un!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GERMAN MOTTO IN AFRICA.--"_For Farther Land!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THREE FISHERS."
+
+JOHN BULL. "HULLO! YOU SEA-GRABBERS!--WHERE DO _I_ COME IN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. XIII.--THE PRECOCIOUS UNDERGRADUATE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+EVER since undergraduates existed at all, there must have been some
+who, in the precocity of their hearts, set themselves up or were
+set up by the admiration of their fellows as patterns of life, and
+knowledge, and manners. But before steam and electricity made Oxford
+and Cambridge into suburbs of London, these little deities were
+scarcely heard of outside the limits of their particular University,
+the sphere of their influence was restricted, and they were unable to
+impress the crowd of their juvenile worshippers by the glamour which
+comes of frequent plunges into the dizzy whirlpool of London life.
+Now, however, all that is changed. Our seats of learning are within
+a stone's throw of town, and the callow nestlings who yesterday
+fluttered feebly over King's Parade or the High, may to-day attempt
+a bolder flight in Piccadilly and the Park. The simpler pleasures of
+Courts and Quads soon pall upon one who believes emphatically, that
+life has no further secrets when the age of twenty has been reached,
+and that an ingenuous modesty is incompatible with the exercise of
+manliness. He despises the poor fools who are content to be merely
+young while youth remains. He himself, has sought for and found in
+London a fountain of age, from which he may quaff deep draughts, and
+returning, impart his experience to his envious friends.
+
+The Precocious Undergraduate, then, was (and is, for the type remains,
+though the individual may perish) one who attempted in his own opinion
+with perfect success, to combine an unerring knowledge of men with a
+smooth cheek and a brow as unwrinkled as late hours could leave it.
+In the sandy soil of immaturity he was fain to plant a flourishing
+reputation for cunning, and to water it with the tears of those
+who being responsible for his appearance in the world dreaded his
+premature affectation of its wisdom and its follies.
+
+They had given him, however, as befitted careful parents, every chance
+of acquiring an excellent education. In order that he might afterwards
+shine at the Bar or in the Senate, he was sent to one of our larger
+public schools, where he soon found that with a very small life-belt
+of Latin and Greek a boy may keep his head safe above the ripple of a
+master's anger. But his school career was not without honour. He was a
+boy of a frank and generous temperament, candid with his masters, and
+warm-hearted and sincere in his intercourse with his school-fellows.
+He was by no means slow with his wits, he was very quick with his eye
+and his limbs. Thus it came about that, although his scholarship was
+not calculated to make of him a Porson, he earned the admiration
+and applause of boys and masters by his triumphs as an athlete, a
+cricketer, and a foot-ball player, and was established as a universal
+favourite. At the usual age he left school and betook himself to
+college, freighted for this new voyage with the affection and the
+hopes of all who knew him.
+
+And now when everything smiled, and when in the glow of his first
+independence life assumed its brightest hues, in the midst of apparent
+success his real failures began. The sudden emancipation from the
+easy servitude of school was too much for him. The rush of his new
+existence swept him off his feet, and, yielding to the current, he
+was carried day by day more rapidly out to the sea of debt and
+dissipation, which in the end overwhelmed him. For a time, however,
+everything went well with him. His school and his reputation as a
+popular athlete assured to him a number of friends, he was elected a
+member of one or two prominent Clubs, he got into a good set. In their
+society he learnt that an undergraduate's tastes and his expenditure
+ought never to be limited by the amount of the yearly allowance he
+receives from his father. Whilst still in his freshman's Term, he was
+invited to a little card-party, at which he lost not only his head,
+but also all his ready money, and the greater part of the amount which
+had been placed to his credit at his Bank for the expenses of his
+first Term. This incident was naturally much discussed by the society
+in which he moved, and it was agreed that, for a freshman, he had
+shown considerable coolness in bearing up against his losses. Even
+amongst those who did not know him, his name began to be mentioned
+as that of one who was evidently destined to make a splash, and might
+some day be heard of in the larger world. His vanity was tickled.
+This, he thought to himself, not without pleasure, was indeed
+life, and thinking thus, he condemned all his past years, and the
+aspirations with which he had entered his University, as the folly
+of a boy. Soon afterwards he was found at a race-meeting, and was
+unfortunate enough to win a large sum of money from a book-maker who
+paid him.
+
+The next incident in his first Term was his attendance as a guest at
+a big dinner, where the unwonted excitement and a bumper or two of
+University champagne upset his balance. He grew boisterous, and on
+his way home to his rooms addressed disrespectfully the Dean of his
+College, who happened to be taking the air on the College grass-plot.
+He woke, the next morning, to find himself parched and pale, but
+famous. "Did you hear what So-and-So, the freshman, said to the Dean
+last night? Frightful cheek!"--so one undergraduate would speak of him
+to another, with a touch of envy which was not diminished by the fact
+that his hero had been gated at nine for a week.
+
+But it is useless to pursue his career through every detail. He went
+on gambling, and soon found himself the debtor or the creditor of
+those whom he still attempted to look upon as his friends. He bought
+several thousand large cigars at Ł10 per hundred from a touting
+tobacconist, who promised him unlimited credit, and charged him a high
+rate of per-centage on the debt. He became constant in his visits to
+London, and, after a course of dinners at the Bristol, the Berkeley,
+and the Café Royal, he acquired, at Cambridge, the reputation of a
+connoisseur in cooking and in wine. The Gaiety was his abiding-place,
+the lounge at the Empire would have been incomplete without him: for
+him Lais added a rosy glow to her complexion and a golden shimmer to
+her hair; he supped in her company, and, when he gave her a diamond
+swallow, purchased without immediate payment in Bond Street, the
+paragraphist of a sporting paper recorded the gift in his columns with
+many cynical comments. In short, he now knew himself to be indeed a
+man of the world. Henceforward he seemed to spend almost as much
+time in London as in Cambridge. It is unnecessary to add that his
+legitimate resources soon ran dry; he supplied their deficiency from
+the generous fountain of a money-lender's benevolence. After all,
+eight per cent. per month sounds quite cheap until it is multiplied by
+twelve, and, as he always disliked arithmetic, he abstained from the
+calculation, and pocketed the loan. And thus, for a time, the wheel
+of excitement was kept spinning merrily. But the pace was too fast to
+last for long. Somehow or other, soon after the beginning of his third
+year, his happy gaiety which had carried him cheerfully through many
+scenes of revelry seemed to desert him. He became subject to fits of
+morose abstraction. His dress was no longer of the same shining merit,
+nor did he seem to care, as formerly, to keep his cuffs and collars
+unspotted from the world. Disagreeable rumours began to be whispered
+about him. He was said to have failed to pay his card-debts, and
+yet to have gone on gambling night after night; and at last came the
+terrible report--all the more terrible for not being fully understood
+by those who heard it--that he had been posted at Tattersall's.
+
+Undergraduate Society is, however, of an extraordinary tolerance, and
+if it had not been for his own manifest misery, he might have kept
+his head up in Cambridge even under these calamities. But he began too
+late to realise his own folly, and with the memory of his triumphs and
+his collapse, of his extravagance and his debts clogging his efforts,
+he tried to read. He did read, feverishly, uselessly, and when his
+list appeared his name was absent from it. Then followed the fatal
+interview with his father, and the inevitable crash, in the course of
+which he became the defendant in a celebrated case on the subject of
+an infant's necessaries. An occupation was sought for him, but all
+capacity for honest effort seemed to have perished with his frankness
+and his cheerfulness. After creeping about London in a hang-dog
+fashion for a year or two, he eventually decided to tempt misfortune
+in the Western States of America. For a time he "ranched" without
+success, and was heard of as a frequenter of saloons. A year later he
+died ignobly by the revolver of a Western rowdy, in the course of a
+drunken brawl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL FORECASTS.--Mr. PADDY REWSKI will play variations on his
+own national Melodies, including the _Gigue Irlandaise_, entitled,
+"_Donnybrook Fair_."--Mr. CHARLES REDDIE'S Pianoforte Recital is
+fixed for the 17th. It is not placarded about the town, as the clever
+pianist says, he's perfectly REDDIE, but he's not WILLING.--Mr. JOSEF
+DASH-MY-LUD-WIG is going to give a Second Chamber Concert on behalf
+of the Funds of the Second Chambermaid Theatrical Aid Society.--Mr.
+CUSINS' Concert is on the 12th. Uncles and Aunts please accept this
+intimation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXPERIMENTS BY THE GRAND OLD HYPNOTISER AT ST.
+STEPHEN'S.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HARMLESS GHOST.
+
+    [A Gentleman advertises for an old house, and says, "Harmless
+    Ghost not objected to."]
+
+_A Spectre speaks_:--
+
+  TELL us, good Sir, what is a Harmless Ghost?
+    One who walks quietly at dead of night,
+  For just a single hour or so at most,
+    And never gives folks what is termed a fright?
+  Is it a Ghost that never clanks his chains,
+    That never gibbers, and that bangs no door:
+  But quietly and peacefully remains
+    In calm possession of some upper floor?
+
+  A Harmless Ghost is not a Ghost at all,
+    Unworthy of the name; no Headless Man,
+  Or other spectre that could men appal,
+    Would condescend to live 'neath such a ban.
+  No phantom with a grain of self-respect
+    Would make a promise never to do harm.
+  Find your old house, but please to recollect,
+    A Ghost who knows his business _must_ alarm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE MASQUERADING.
+
+  DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+WITH reference to the several cases of "Masquerading" that have
+recently been mentioned in the columns of a contemporary, I wish to
+add a remarkable experience of our own firm, that, if it does not
+completely clear the matter up, may at least serve to throw a little
+light upon the subject. Last Friday afternoon a middle-aged man of
+unmistakable City build dashed wildly into our establishment, and
+desired to be supplied with "the largest pantomime head" with which we
+could furnish him. This we fortunately had in stock in the shape of a
+large green and phosphorescent faced representation of the "Demon of
+Despair," which was rendered additionally attractive through being
+supplied with a "trick eye," which worked with a string.
+
+It was evidently of the greatest importance to him that the head
+should be natural and becoming, and by the close and satisfied
+scrutiny he gave it, and the great care with which he fitted it
+on, the one with which we supplied him evidently fully answered his
+requirements. His manner was certainly strange, for though he refused
+to give his address, he took several flying leaps across the shop,
+turning a double back somersault as he cleared the counter, and
+finally asked me whether I thought him sufficiently disguised to avoid
+recognition in his own immediate circle?
+
+I told him candidly that I thought his large head, being peculiar,
+might possibly draw upon him notice that otherwise he would fail to
+arouse, and I added, "You see, it is not as if there were a dozen of
+you."
+
+"True," he replied; "you're quite right. There ought to be a dozen of
+us. Look out the heads. I will go and fetch 'em." And he dashed out of
+my establishment, followed by a small crowd. In about two hours and
+a half, however, he returned, accompanied by twelve other middle-aged
+City men, and in almost as short a time as it takes me to tell it, I
+had fitted them all with large pantomime heads.
+
+He paid the bill and left the shop. I watched them all get on to a
+King's Cross and Brompton Omnibus, and that was the last I saw of
+them. There is nothing very remarkable in the occurrence, as we are
+in the habit of making up disguises, sometimes as many as 500 in an
+afternoon on the shortest notice. Still I could not help wondering
+upon what business my eccentric friend was bent. A Divorce Case?
+Possibly a Murder? Who knows? Perhaps somebody may have met the bevy
+down West, and can throw some light upon the subject. Meantime, dear
+_Mr. Punch_, I beg to subscribe myself,
+
+  Yours respectfully,
+  A SLY FOX BUT A CAUTIOUS COSTUMIER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SHORT NOTICE."--Those who did not hear Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH'S
+entertainment at St. James's Hall last Saturday week lost a very great
+treat. There must have been thousands in London at the moment who
+suffered this deprivation. Our Special Noticer was among the number.
+Let us hope GEE-GEE will do it again, and all shall be forgiven.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TOMMY'S "'ARRIET" DEPARTMENT.
+
+_A Group omitted from the Military Exhibition._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 2._--Heligoland is safe, but
+there were some anxious moments. GEORGE CAMPBELL led attack. House
+reassembled after Whitsun recess. Not many present. OLD MORALITY still
+sporting in the country, toying with Amaryllis in the shade, or with
+tangles of Neaera's hair. (That's how the Member for Sark puts it,
+but admits that it's only poetry.) Mr. G. away too, also GRANDOLPH and
+HARTINGTON. JOKIM in charge of Government ship; evidently in mildest
+mood; didn't once pounce, though sorely tempted by all-pervadingness
+of CAMPBELL. That eminent Statesman only began with Heligoland;
+steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of salary of
+Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland given up.
+
+"Certainly not," said NICHOLAS WOOD; "must take firm stand with these
+Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is
+situated. Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall
+support BALFOUR."
+
+Whilst NICHOLAS off in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland,
+SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE backs up CAMPBELL. Knows Heligoland
+intimately. Seems to have passed best period of useful life there.
+Members quite prepared to hear that there it was the famous letter
+from Foreign Office found him when, by way of reproof of niggardliness
+of Department, he was obeying instructions that transferred him from
+Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligoland
+_en route_, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules,
+whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing
+a scion of the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor.
+"Hand it over to Germany, in exchange, if you please, for few pounds
+of sausages; but get rid of it."
+
+NICHOLAS, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of
+Ireland, lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows,
+TOBY," he says; "we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed;
+don't quite follow argument. Rather wonder ARTHUR BALFOUR isn't in
+his place to explain it; at same time, haven't slightest doubt it's
+another Mitchelstown affair--another Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall
+watch to see which Lobby our Whips are filling, and march straight
+into it."
+
+Thus Heligoland was saved, NICHOLAS and 149 others voting against
+CAMPBELL, who led into the Lobby only 27 patriots. After this, that
+man of war, JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON, came to the front,
+and led Opposition in matter relating to Sierra Leone. GEORGE CAMPBELL
+made several speeches on this topic, and when Amendment negatived,
+came up quite fresh with his story of the Pacific Seas, where it seems
+there have been excursions, followed by alarums, all converging on
+urgent necessity of reducing the salary of the Deputy Commissioner
+of the Western Pacific by Ł200. This also negatived after couple of
+hours' discussion. Then GEORGE, stepping lightly from Western Pacific
+to the Cape, moved to reduce salary of High Commissioner of South
+Africa by Ł1000.
+
+"A regular peripatetic seven-leagued-boot mowing-machine," said
+JACKSON, gazing dreamily on mobile features of Member for Kircaldy.
+Business done.--In Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday._--Question is, shall House adjourn over to-morrow, being
+Derby Day, or shall it forbear? ELCHO says, "Yes." WILFRID LAWSON
+says, "No." House, upon consideration, agrees with ELCHO, though by
+significantly small majority. For holiday, 160; against, 133. COGHILL,
+who had vainly protested against adjournment, says majority not so
+wide as a church door, but 'twill serve. It's the writing on the wall,
+and the Derby holiday in the Commons doomed. COGHILL serious young
+man; likes things to be doomed; encouraged by the prospect, becomes
+dangerously festive.
+
+Member who moves Adjournment over Derby Day expected to be funny. PAM,
+who, when he was Minister, always did it, established fashion. Been
+followed in later days by DICK POWER, and other eminent sportsmen.
+ELCHO displayed paternal failing for undue length, but just managed
+to stop in time, not spoiling success of speech that greatly pleased
+House. Curious to note points of personal resemblance between the
+new Lord ELCHO and the old. Son, doubtless designedly, delivered his
+speech from corner-seat on front Bench below Gangway, whence, in days
+of yore, the father used to hold forth, almost literally buttonholing
+House of Commons; holding on to it in much same way as _Ancient
+Mariner_ delayed the hungry wedding guest.
+
+"Happy," says the Member for Sark, "is the Legislature that can spare
+an ELCHO for either Chamber! Favoured the generation that succeeds
+to such an inheritance! With WEMYSS in the Lords, and ELCHO in the
+Commons, there is still hope for my country!"
+
+[Illustration: A Serious Young Man.]
+
+Talk about Police Regulation for Procession on Saturday to demonstrate
+against Compensation Bill. Citizen PICKERSGILL moved adjournment
+of House in order to discuss matter. CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM seized
+opportunity to run amuck at his revered Leaders on Front Opposition
+Bench. Accused them of sitting there like stuffed figures at Madame
+Tussaud's. "Why stuffed?" JOHN MOBLEY asked, but CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM
+not to be interrupted in flush of eloquence. When once started went
+at them hammer and tongs; only a few battered figures recognisable on
+Front Bench when he had finished.
+
+"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "BRADLAUGH'S got his eye on that Bench.
+Means to sit there some day. Want him to know that even that sanctuary
+shall not preserve him from my wrath. Just getting my hand in.
+He'll be sorry he ever ventured to bite his thumb at me." _Business
+done._--Education Vote in Committee.
+
+_Thursday._--Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL moves Second Reading of his Bill. A
+very inoffensive measure, he says; not proposed to sanction creation
+of Tunnel under the sea. Oh, dear no! Nothing of that kind. All
+that is wanted is that the Company shall be permitted to keep their
+machinery oiled, bore for coal, and fill up spare time by fishing for
+whitebait with line. Could there be any harm in that? CHUNNEL-TANNEL
+asked, with hand outstretched with deprecating gesture towards
+Treasury Bench, on which the long length of HICKS BEACH was coiled.
+
+[Illustration: Citizen Pickersgill.]
+
+Mr. G. backed up his noble friend; ridiculed idea of danger to England
+from creation of Tunnel. If anybody had need for apprehension, it was
+France--a fine, subtly patriotic idea, which did not meet with that
+measure of applause on Conservative Benches that might have been
+expected. Fact is, Conservatives don't like this newly established
+friendliness between Mr. G. and CHUNNEL-TANNEL. Noble Lord not so
+certain to respond to crack of Ministerial Whip as was his wont
+before he yielded to the spell. Stout Ministerialists thinking more
+of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S attitude on Irish Question than of probability of
+French invasion by proposed Tunnel; so they lustily cheer HICKS-BEACH
+when he denounces scheme. Cry, "Oh! oh!" when CHUNNEL-TANNEL makes
+crafty appeal for support of Irish Members, and go out in body to stop
+up the Tunnel.
+
+J. S. FORBES watches scene from Strangers' Gallery. Lost in admiration
+of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S meek mood.
+
+"Why, TOBY," he said, in his perturbation brushing his new
+curly-brimmed hat the wrong way, "he looks as if butter wouldn't
+melt in his mouth. His low voice, his deferential manner, his pained
+surprise at suggestion of wanting to do anything else but catch
+those whitebait with a line, take one's breath away. A wonderful man
+CHUNNEL-TANNEL, but dangerous on this tack. Known him and fought him
+man and boy for twenty years; fear him most when in melting mood."
+_Business done._--Discussing Tithes Bill.
+
+_Friday._--Met HART DYKE walking about Corridor with contemplative
+air. Debate on Education Vote going forward in House. "How is it you
+aren't on Treasury Bench?" I asked.
+
+"Can't stand any more of it, TOBY. My hair positively beginning to
+frizzle under heat of blushes. Never suspected myself of being
+such Heavenborn Education Minister. But they all say it--MUNDELLA,
+PLAYFAIR, LUBBOCK, and even SAM SMITH. CRANBORNE and TALBOT not quite
+so sure; but on other side one chorus of approval. Bore it pretty well
+for hour or so; but at end of that time grows embarrassing. Just came
+out for little walk; look in again presently."
+
+On Report of Supply, GEORGE CAMPBELL strolled in from the Pacific;
+proposed to call attention to mission of Sir LINTON SIMMONS to the
+POPE. No Vote connected therewith happens to be in Estimates; so
+SPEAKER ruled him out of Order.
+
+[Illustration: Minister of Education.]
+
+"Oh, very well," said GEORGE; "that's out of order is it? Well, let
+me see, there's Japan;" and he talked for thirty-five minutes about
+Japan.
+
+_Business done._--Education Vote agreed to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHOOL BOARD BEFORE THE END OF THE CENTURY.
+
+(_A Prophecy of the Near Future._)
+
+THE children had left the school, and the pianos were closed for the
+night. The Senior Wranglers who had been conducting the lessons were
+divesting themselves of their academical robes, and preparing to
+quit the premises to return to their palatial homes, the outcome of a
+portion of their princely salaries. In couples they disappeared until
+only one was left--he was older than his colleagues, and consequently
+slower in his movements. As he was about to summon his carriage a
+wild-looking individual suddenly appeared before him, and, sinking in
+a chair, appealed to him with a gesture that, fraught with weakness,
+was yet defiant.
+
+"What do you want with me, my good man?" asked the Senior Wrangler,
+who had a kindly nature.
+
+"What have you done with my sons?" gasped the visitor.
+
+"No doubt, if they were intended for crossing-sweepers, we have
+instructed them in the rudiments of classical dancing, and if you
+purposed bringing them up as errand-boys, it is highly probable that
+we have taught them how to play upon the harpsichord."
+
+"That's how it is!" cried the other. "They _have_ been taught how to
+play on the harpsichord; and, as the instrument is obsolete, I ask
+you, Sir, how are they to get their living?"
+
+"That is no affair of mine, my good fellow," returned the Senior
+Wrangler, dryly. "It is my duty to teach the child, and not to answer
+the questions of the parent."
+
+"And the rates are doubled!" cried the Board Scholar's father,
+wringing his hands in despair, "and I am ruined!" The Senior Wrangler
+was growing impatient. He had to dine at the Club, and go to the
+Opera. "Well, what do you want with me?" he asked.
+
+"Employment!" cried the other, in an agony of woe. "Give me
+employment. I have been ruined by the rates; let the rates support
+me--give me employment!"
+
+The Senior Wrangler considered for a moment; then he spoke--
+
+"Do you think, my friend, that you could look after our highest
+class?" The man shook his head.
+
+"I am afraid not, Sir. My education was neglected. Beyond reading,
+writing, and arithmetic, I know next to nothing."
+
+"That will not be an objection," returned the Senior Wrangler, as he
+put a gardenia in his button-hole. "Our highest class is composed of
+our oldest pupils, and as they all suffer from over-pressure, your
+duties will be simply those of an attendant in an asylum for the care
+of the imbecile!" And the Ruined Ratepayer was entirely satisfied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 281: MAGGIE MCINTYRE, _Wednesday_ becomes MAGGIE MACINTYRE on
+_Thursday._
+
+    Both have been retained, as the transcriber does not know which
+is correct, or if the two were interchangeable.
+
+Page 287: 'posesssion' corrected to 'possession':
+          "In calm possession of some upper floor".
+
+In this etext a carat denotes a superscript follows.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+98, June 14 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+June 14 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 14 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis  Burnand
+
+Release Date: August 7, 2010 [EBook #33366]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <span class="pagenum"><a name="page277" id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span>
+<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1>
+
+<h2>Volume 98, June 14th 1890</h2>
+
+<h3><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h3>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h4>MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. VI.</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/277-1000.png"><img src="images/277-500.png" width="500" height="369" alt="MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. VI." /></a>
+
+<p>"Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the Jury, even at the expense
+of the Judge."
+(An opportunity often occurs after Lunch.)</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>"GOOD OLD GRACE!"</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Doggerel on "The Doctor," by an "Old Duffer."</i>)</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Dr. <span class="sc">Grace</span>, who seemed to forget his lameness, played with great vigour and dash, and his cuts
+and drives possessed all their old brilliancy."&mdash;<i>The Times, on the exciting finish in the Cricket Match
+between the M.C.C. and the Australians, June 3, 1890.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>One hundred and eleven runs, and eighty-five minutes to make 'em in,</p>
+<p>And with <span class="sc">Turner</span> and <span class="sc">Ferris</span> to trundle as fast as they could pitch and break 'em in!</p>
+<p>And it looked any odds on <span class="sc">Murdoch's</span> men contriving to make a draw of it;</p>
+<p>But Cricket, my lads, is a curious game, and uncertainty seems the sole law of it.</p>
+<p>So they sent in <span class="sc">Grace</span> and <span class="sc">Shuter</span> to start. Well, the Doctor is now called "a veteran,"</p>
+<p>But at forty-two when he's on the job 'tisn't easy to pick out a better 'un.</p>
+<p>And he "spanked for four," like a lad once more, and he cut and he drove like winking;</p>
+<p>Though his leg <i>was</i> lame, he forgot that same, and he "played the game" without shrinking.</p>
+<p>And Surrey's <span class="sc">Shuter</span> he did his part, and so did Notts' <span class="sc">Gunn</span>, Sir,</p>
+<p>Though he <i>might</i> have chucked the game away when the Doctor he managed to out-run, Sir.</p>
+<p>It was hard, you see, upon W. G. in <i>that</i> way to lose his wicket,</p>
+<p>But all the same he had won the game, and had played superlative Cricket.</p>
+<p>Forty-three to make, and forty-five minutes! But <span class="sc">Grace</span> and <span class="sc">Gunn</span> were equal to it;</p>
+<p>And a win, with a quarter of an hour in hand, was the satisfactory sequel to it.</p>
+<p>The Australians played a manly game, without any dawdling or shirking;</p>
+<p>And if they didn't avoid defeat why it wasn't for want of hard working.</p>
+<p>But the stiff-legged "Doctor" who forced the game in the most judgmatical fashion,</p>
+<p>And forgot his leg and his "forty year" odd, full flushed with a Cricketer's passion!</p>
+<p>Why he's the chap who deserves a shout. Bravo, brave "W. G," Sir.</p>
+<p>And when you next are on the job, may the "Duffer" be there to see, Sir!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>DEVELOPING HAWARDEN.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The locality is extremely healthy, and Hawarden will probably become a large residential place,
+and a centre of mining industry."&mdash;<i>Mr. Gladstone's Evidence before the Commissioners for Welsh
+Intermediate Education.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;Wood-cutting. Inconvenient having so many villas built all round
+park.
+Inhabitants inspect everything I do. Nasty little boys (whom I can see over
+their garden
+wall) shout "Yah!" and wave large primrose wreath. Irritating. Perhaps due to
+healthiness
+of air. Retire to another part of the demesne. Heavens! what is that erection?
+Looks
+like a Grand Stand, in a private garden, crowded with people. It is! Invited (by
+owner of
+garden) specially to view me and (I hear afterwards) my "celebrated wood-cutting
+performance,"
+at a shilling a-head. Disgusted. Go in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Down local coal-mine. Interesting to have one at Park-gates.
+Explain to
+colliers principle of the Davy lamp. Colliers seem attentive, Ask me at the end
+for "a
+trifle to drink my health with." Don't they know I am opposed to Endowment of
+Public-houses?
+Yes, "but they aren't," they reply. Must invite <span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span> to
+Hawarden.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Curious underground rumblings. Wall of Castle develops huge
+crack.
+<i>What</i> is it? A dynamite plot? Can <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> have hired&mdash;&mdash;?
+<span class="sc">Herbert</span> comes in, and
+tells me the proprietor of Hawarden Salt Mine has just sent his compliments;
+with a request
+that I would "shore up" the Castle. Otherwise "he is afraid it may fall in on
+his workmen."
+Impudence! Why can't they dig under Eaton Hall instead?</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Watkin</span> here. Offers to make
+a Tunnel under Castle, from one mine to the
+other. Why a Tunnel? Also wants to dig
+for gold in Park. Ask him, if there's any
+reason to suppose gold exists there? He says
+you never can tell what you may come to if
+you bore long enough. "At all events, even
+if no gold there, the boring useful if at any
+time I feel inclined for a Tunn&mdash;&mdash;" Go in.
+<span class="sc">Watkin</span> <i>has</i> bored long enough already.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Stephen</span> drops in, and says "new
+Hawarden Cathedral"&mdash;<i>really</i> built to accommodate
+people who come to hear me read
+Lessons, only <span class="sc">Stephen</span> thinks it's his sermons
+that are the attraction&mdash;"will soon he finished."
+I suggest that he should have Welsh
+"intermediate" services now and then.
+<span class="sc">Stephen</span> says "<i>he</i> doesn't know Welsh, and
+can't see why Welsh people can't drop their
+horrible tongue at once, and all speak English."
+Pained, Tell him <i>he</i> needn't conduct
+service&mdash;any Welsh-speaking clergyman
+would do. <span class="sc">Stephen</span> replies that if he introduced
+Welsh service, "villa-residents would
+boycott the Cathedral altogether." Well,
+supposing they do? <span class="sc">Stephen</span> retorts that
+"I had better have an Irish service at once,
+and get <span class="sc">Parnell</span> up to read the Lessons."
+Something in the idea. Must think it over.</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;My usual holiday. Fifteen
+speeches. Park literally crammed. Excursionists,
+colliers, salt-miners, villa-residents,
+and Chester Liberals, all seem to find locality
+tremendously healthy. All enjoying themselves
+thoroughly. Wish <i>I</i> was. Worn-out
+in evening. Begin to wonder what Park and
+Castle would fetch, if I were to go and settle
+in Hebrides to escape mob.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sunday.</i>&mdash;Escorted by two regiments of
+mounted Volunteers to Church. Volunteers
+have great difficulty in securing a passage.
+Have to use butts of their muskets on more
+impulsive spectators. Curious that just at
+this point I should Remember Mitchelstown.
+Must try and get over the habit. Lessons as
+usual. Find a crushed primrose between the
+pages, evidently put there on purpose. Those
+villa-residents again! Surely <span class="sc">Drew</span> might
+inspect the lectern before service commences!
+Home, and think seriously of Hebrides.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>ON THE SPOT.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By a Practical Sportsman.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The spot for me all spots above</p>
+<p class="i2">In this wide world of casual lodgers,</p>
+<p>Is not the nook sacred to love;</p>
+<p class="i2">The "cot beside a rill" of <span class="sc">Roger's</span>.</p>
+<p>'Tis not the spot which <span class="sc">Tommy Moore</span></p>
+<p class="i2">Praised in "<i>The Meeting of the Waters</i>."</p>
+<p>Avoca's Vale my soul would bore;</p>
+<p class="i2">I should prefer more lively quarters.</p>
+<p>Thy "little spot," <span class="sc">Eliza Cook</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Means merely patriotic flummery;</p>
+<p>And <span class="sc">Coleridge's</span> "hidden brook"</p>
+<p class="i2">Won't fetch me, e'en when weather's summery.</p>
+<p>I hold the Picturesque is rot,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Love in a Cot" means scraps for dinner;</p>
+<p>I only know <i>one</i> pleasant spot,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I mean the "spot" that "finds a winner!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Private and Special Literary Intelligence.</span>&mdash;Mr.
+<span class="sc">George Meredith's</span> new novel
+is to be entitled, <i>Won of the Conquerors</i>. It
+would be unfair to the author to mention how
+what the Conquerors had conquered was won
+from them in turn. "I am at liberty to
+inform the public, however," says the <span class="sc">Baron
+de B.-W.</span>, "that <span class="sc">William the Conqueror</span>
+is not in it with the others. I am able also
+to assure his numerous admirers that <i>Beauchamp's
+Career</i> is not a medicinal romance,
+and has no sort of connection with a certain
+widely-advertised remedy."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page278" id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span>
+
+<h4>"WILL HE GET THROUGH?"</h4>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/278-1000.png"><img src="images/278-400.png" width="400" height="470" alt="'WILL HE GET THROUGH?'" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">William Henry</span> <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Pouf! Pouf! I'm that awfully out of breath with my long and terrified scamper,</p>
+<p>With that bull on my track, and this bag on my back, a burden that Milo would hamper.</p>
+<p>Though Milo was not a pedestrian "pot," nor was it a turnstile that nipped him;</p>
+<p>No, if I remember my classics aright, 'twas the fork of a pine-tree that gripped him.</p>
+<p>But nowadays one had need be a Milo and a fleet Pheidippides in one, Sir.</p>
+<p>And with carrying weight I'm in such a state, it isn't much further <i>I</i> can run, Sir.</p>
+<p>Oh, drat that bull! Will nobody pull the brute by the tail, and stop him?</p>
+<p>Such beasts didn't ought to be let loose; in the <i>clôture</i> pound they should pop him,</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page279" id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span>
+<p>With a gag on his muzzle. This turnstile's a puzzle, with its three blessed wings, confound it!</p>
+<p>I don't see my way to getting through it, and there's no way of getting round it;</p>
+<p>And I <i>am</i> that fat&mdash;no, I won't say that; but I'm not, like dear <span class="sc">Arthur</span>, quite lathy.</p>
+<p>And I'm sure, by the bellow of that bull, that the fellow is getting exceedingly wrathy.</p>
+<p>Pouf! Now for a burst! Which to take the first of the turnstile wings is the floorer.</p>
+<p>If I breast it wrongly, though I'm going strongly, I'll expose my rear to yon roarer.</p>
+<p>Eugh! I fancy I feel his horns, like steel, my person viciously prodding.</p>
+<p>Against such points broadcloth's no protection, although padded with woollen "wadding."</p>
+<p>Oh, hang this bag! I shall lose the swag, if I slacken or lag one second.</p>
+<p>I thought I had measured my distance so well, but I fear that I must have misreckoned.</p>
+<p>That bull of <span class="sc">Gladdy's</span> most certainly mad is, though he gave me his word, the Old Slyboots,</p>
+<p>It was perfectly quiet. I have <span class="sc">Salisbury's</span> fiat, but I wish he was only in <i>my</i> boots.</p>
+<p>"Tithes first," indeed! Why, with all my speed, and my puffings, and perspiration,</p>
+<p>I doubt if I'll be in time to get through; and as for that "Compensation,"</p>
+<p>It is sure to stick. "<i>Quick</i>, <span class="sc">Smith</span>, <i>man</i>, <i>quick!</i>" Oh, it's all very well to holloa;</p>
+<p>With a sack on one's back, and a bull on one's track, 'tisn't easy that counsel to follow.</p>
+<p>My life's hardly worth an hour's "Purchase," if I'm overtaken by Taurus.</p>
+<p>Such brutes didn't ought to be loose in the fields, to bore us, and score us, and gore us.</p>
+<p>"<i>Run! run!</i>" Oh, <i>ain't</i> I running like winking? Reach the turnstile? I may just do it</p>
+<p>But with its three wings&mdash;oh, confound the things!&mdash;I much doubt if I'll ever get <i>through</i> it!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="author1">
+[<i>Left trying.</i>
+</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The</span> attention of statisticians has lately been directed to a
+question of no little interest. To put it as shortly as possible, the
+point is to discover the number and size of the mayonnaises of
+lobster consumed in the course of one evening in the district bounded
+on the east by Berkeley Square, and extending westward as far as
+Earl's Court. It is well-known that no lobster ever walked backwards.
+Taking this as the basis of our calculations and assuming
+that &pi;<sup>n_1</sup> is equal to the digestive apparatus of six hundred
+dowagers, we reach the surprising total of 932,146&#8539; lobsters. No
+allowance is made for dressing or returned empties.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"A Poet" writes to us as follows:&mdash;"I have long been puzzled
+by the difficulty attending the proper construction of rhymed verse
+in English. Some words possess many rhymes, others only a few,
+others again none. Yet I find that the temptation to end a line
+with a non-rhyme-possessing word like 'month' is almost irresistible,
+and frequently gives rise to the most painful results. In
+the course of my emotional ballad entitled, '<i>The Bard's Daughter</i>,'
+I was compelled on an average to kill half-a-dozen German bands
+every day, and to throw ten jam-pots at my butler for unseasonable
+interruptions. Can any of your readers help me?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A flight of ducks was observed to settle on the Serpentine yesterday
+at four o'clock exactly. They had been moving in a westerly
+direction. The Park-keepers explain this curious incident by the
+well-known affection of these birds for water, combined with an
+occasional impulse to aërial navigation, but the explanation appears
+to us inadequate.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In Vienna the other day, a Cabman was observed to claim more
+than his fare from an elderly lady, whom he afterwards abused
+violently in the choicest Austrian for refusing to comply with his
+demands. After all, the nature of Cabmen all over the world varies
+very little. Elderly Ladies too, are much the same.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Stanley</span> continues to attend dances, dinners and receptions at
+the usual hours. He has lately expressed himself in strong terms
+with regard to the action of a friendly Power on the continent of
+Africa. Mr. <span class="sc">Stanley</span> appears to think very lightly of the Foreign
+Office pigeon-holes, in which his treaties have been stored in the
+meantime.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/279-800.png"><img src="images/279-360.png" width="360" height="469" alt="A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT." /></a>
+<h4>A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Sympathetic Spinster.</i> "<span class="sc">And is your other Boy at all like
+this one?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Proud Mother.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, no; quite a Contrast to him!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Sympathetic Spinster.</i> "<span class="sc">How nice!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>IN THE KNOW.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Ha!</span> ha! I knew it, I knew it! All the grog-blossomed addle-pates
+in the world couldn't have induced me to back <i>Surefoot</i>.
+There they were cackling in their usual hugger-mugger Bedlamite,
+gin-palace, gruel-brained fashion, with Mr. J. at the head of them
+blowing a <i>fan-fare</i> upon his own cracked penny trumpet. But I
+had my eye on them all the time. For as the public must have
+discovered long before this, if there is one person in the world who
+sets their interests above everything, and swerves neither to the
+right nor to the left in the effort to save them from the depredations
+of the pilfering gang of pig-jobbers and moon-calves who chatter
+on sporting matters, that person, I say it without offence, is <i>me</i>.</p>
+
+<p>What was it I said last week about <i>Sainfoin</i>? "<i>Sainfoin</i>," I
+said, "is not generally supposed to cover grass, but there are
+generally exceptions." A baby in arms could have understood this.
+It meant, of course, that <i>Sainfoin</i> never lets the grass grow under
+his feet, and that on the exceptional occasion of the Derby Day, he
+would win the race. <i>And he did win the race.</i> We all know that;
+all, that is, except Mr. J.'s lot, who still seem to think that they
+know something about racing. But I have made my pile, and so
+have my readers, and we can afford to snap our fingers at every
+pudding-headed barnacle-grabber in the world. So much for the
+Derby.</p>
+
+<p>As for the Oaks, it would be impossible to conceive anything more
+scientifically, nay geometrically, accurate than my forecast.
+"<i>Memoir</i>," I said, "might do <i>pour servir</i>." Well, didn't she?
+And if anybody omitted to back her, all I can nay is, serve them
+right for a pack of goose-brained Bedlamites. For myself, I can
+only say that, having made a colossal fortune by my speculations,
+I propose shortly to retire from the Turf I have so long adorned.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">A Biassed Author.</span>&mdash;One whose MS. is written "on one side
+only."</p>
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page280" id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span>
+
+<h3>ASK A WHITE MAN!</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>Highly Humorous Song. Sung with Immense Success by King M'Tesa, of Uganda.</i>)</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>"King <span class="sc">M'Tesa</span> inquired of Mr. <span class="sc">Stanley</span> what an 'Angel' was. He
+(Mr. <span class="sc">Stanley</span>) had not seen an angel, but imagination was strong, and
+<span class="sc">M'Tesa</span> was so interested in what he was told, that he slapped his thigh
+and
+said, 'There! if you want to hear news, or wish to hear words of wisdom,
+always ask a white man.'"&mdash;<i>Mr. Stanley at the Mansion House.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/280-800.png"><img src="images/280-500.png" width="500" height="363" alt="'If you want to know, you know, ask a White Man.'" /></a>
+<p class="center">"If you want to know, you know, ask a White Man."</p></div>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Air</span>&mdash;"<i>Ask a Policeman!</i>"</h4>
+
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">The</span> White Men are a noble band</p>
+<p class="i2">(Though <span class="sc">Tippoo</span> swears they're not),</p>
+<p>Their valour is tremendous, and</p>
+<p class="i2">They know an awful lot,</p>
+<p>If anything you'd learn, and meet</p>
+<p class="i2">A White Man on the way,</p>
+<p>Ask <i>him</i>. You'll find him a complete</p>
+<p class="i2">En-cy-clo-pć-di-a.</p>
+  </div></div>
+<h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4>
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>If you want to know, you know,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Ask a White Man!</p>
+<p>Near Nyanza or Congo,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Ask a White Man!</p>
+<p>In Uganda I am King,</p>
+<p>Yet <i>I</i> don't know everything.</p>
+<p>If you want to know, you know,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Ask a White Man!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If you would learn how best to fight</p>
+<p class="i2">Your way through regions queer,</p>
+<p>Thread forest mazes dark as night,</p>
+<p class="i2">And deserts dim and drear!</p>
+<p>If you your rival's roads would shut,</p>
+<p class="i2">And get his in your grip;</p>
+<p>You go to him, he's artful, but</p>
+<p class="i2">He'll give you the straight tip.</p>
+  </div></div>
+<h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4>
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>If you'd know your way about,</p>
+<p class="i10">Ask a White Man!</p>
+<p>He knows every in and out</p>
+<p class="i10">Does a White Man!</p>
+<p>He will tell you like a shot</p>
+<p>If the roads are good or not;</p>
+<p>He can open up the lot,</p>
+<p class="i10">Ask a White Man!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And if about the Angels you</p>
+<p class="i2">Feel cu-ri-os-i-ty,</p>
+<p>For information prompt and true,</p>
+<p class="i2">To a White Man apply.</p>
+<p><i>He</i> knows 'em, and, indeed, 'tis said</p>
+<p class="i2">Himself is <i>almost</i> such.</p>
+<p>His "words of wisdom" on this head</p>
+<p class="i2">Will interest you much.</p>
+  </div></div>
+<h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4>
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>If you want to shoot and drink,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Ask a White Man!</p>
+<p>He can help you there, I think.</p>
+<p class="i10"> Ask a White Man!</p>
+<p>If you'll learn to grab and fight,</p>
+<p>And be mutually polite,</p>
+<p>And observe the laws of Right,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Ask a White Man!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Theatrical Criticism.</span></h4>
+
+<p class="ind1">"<i>Mr. Ranter's Macbeth is too well known to all play-goers to
+need any special notice at our hands. Those who have not yet seen
+it should avail themselves of the present opportunity;</i>"<br />
+<i>i.e.</i>, "Can't pitch into old <span class="sc">Ranter</span>, good chap and personal friend."</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Diagnostic.</span></h4>
+
+<p class="ind1">"<i>I should say in your case, that the Digestion was a little upset;</i>"<br />
+<i>i.e.</i>, "As gross a case of over-eating as I have ever come across in
+the whole of my professional experience. You must have been
+feeding, literally, like a hog, for years!"</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Social.</span></h4>
+
+<p class="ind1">"<i>What I so like about dear Sibyl is her charming simplicity;</i>"<br />
+<i>i.e.</i>, "The silliest little chit conceivable."</p>
+
+<p class="ind1">"<i>His conversation is always so very improving;</i>"<br />
+<i>i.e.</i>, "A pedantic prig, who bores you with Darwinism in the dance, and 'earnestness'
+at a tennis-party."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>TOPPING THE TRIPOS;</h3>
+
+<h4><i>Or, Something like a Score for the Sex.</i></h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[In the Cambridge Mathematical Tripos Miss <span class="sc">P. G. Fawcett</span>, of Newnham,
+daughter of the late Professor <span class="sc">Fawcett</span>, is declared to be "above the
+Senior Wrangler."]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Above</span> the Senior Wrangler! Pheugh!</p>
+<p class="i2">Where now are male reactionaries</p>
+<p>Who flout the feminine, and pooh-pooh</p>
+<p class="i2">Sweet Mathematic <span class="sc">Megs</span> and <span class="sc">Maries</span>?</p>
+<p>Who says a girl is only fit</p>
+<p class="i2">To be a dainty, dancing dangler?</p>
+<p>Here's girlhood's prompt reply to it:</p>
+<p class="i2">Miss <span class="sc">Fawcett</span> tops the Senior Wrangler!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Would it not have rejoiced the heart</p>
+<p class="i2">Of her stout sire, the brave Professor?</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Agneta Ramsay</span> made good start,</p>
+<p class="i2">But here's a shining she-successor!</p>
+<p>Many a male who failed to pass</p>
+<p class="i2">Will hear it with flushed face and jaw set.</p>
+<p>But <i>Mr. Punch</i> brims high his glass,</p>
+<p class="i2">And drinks your health, Miss P. G. <span class="sc">Fawcett</span>!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH PLAYS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Her Majesty's Theatre.</i> <i>Enter</i> Mr. <i>and</i> Mrs.
+<span class="sc">Brown</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>to</i> Boxkeeper, <i>with the air of a Sovereign conferring an
+Order upon a faithful subject</i>). There's sixpence for a programme.</p>
+
+<p><i>Boxkeeper.</i> Very sorry, Sir, but it isn't a programme; it's a Book
+of the Argument, and we have to pay <i>that</i> for it ourselves!</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>resenting the information</i>). Oh, bother! Then I'll do
+without it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). Why didn't you get a book? You know
+we'll never understand it without one.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Nonsense, my dear! It's a distinct advantage to trust to
+one's own resources.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Curtain goes up, and discovers a number of male characters,
+who come on and go off severally.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> What are they talking about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Oh, all sorts of things. (<i>Enter</i> Mlle. <span class="sc">Darlaud</span>, as
+Lydie
+Vaillant.) Ah! you see this is the heroine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> Is it? (<i>Examining her through opera-glass.</i>) Very
+simple frock. I think I shall have one like it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>dreading a dress-maker invasion</i>). Oh, it wouldn't suit
+you at all. You always look better in silks and satins.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Entr'acte over.</i> <i>Second Act</i>, Madame <span class="sc">Pasca</span> appears, <i>and is
+admirable</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown</i> (<i>deeply interested</i>). <span class="sc">Charley</span>, dear, she's
+wearing
+Russian net, and you know you can get it at&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>hurriedly</i>). Hush, you are disturbing everybody.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown</i> (<i>at end of Second Act</i>). What was it all about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Oh, didn't you see. It was a castle, and a number of
+tourists were shown round the pictures by an old servant. Excellent!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> I do so wish you would get a book.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Oh, we can do without it now&mdash;the piece is nearly over.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Third Act is played, and Curtain falls.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> Well, what was <i>that</i> about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Oh, didn't you see they had breakfast&mdash;and with tea too,
+not with wine. Very strange how English customs are spreading.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Tableau I. of Act III. is played. Considerable applause.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> I don't quite understand <i>that</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> You don't! Why, it's as simple as possible. <i>Paul
+Astier</i> arrived late, and dressed for dinner. Excellent!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> But what's the plot?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Oh, <i>that's</i> of secondary importance&mdash;the piece is a clever
+skit upon modern manners! (<i>Tableau II. is played.</i>) Capital! Wasn't
+<span class="sc">Madame Pasca</span> good when she wanted a glass of water?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> Quite too perfect! And her velvet and satin gown was
+absolutely lovely! (<i>With determination.</i>) I shall get one like it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>alarmed</i>). I am not so sure! You look better in muslins.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Last Act is played, and</i> Paul Astier <i>is shot dead</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown</i> (<i>much affected</i>). Oh! what did they do <i>that</i> for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Don't you see&mdash;the reward of life. Hence the title.
+(<i>Subsequently
+in the cab.</i>) Wasn't it good? Didn't you enjoy yourself?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> Very much indeed, but I <i>do</i> wish you had got a
+book! (<i>To herself.</i>) Let me see&mdash;green velvet over white satin.
+(<i>Aloud.</i>) It will take about eighteen yards!</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>waking up</i>). Eighteen yards of what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> Oh, nothing! I was only thinking.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Scene closes in upon a mental vision of the dress-maker from
+opposite points of view.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Allowed to Starve.</span>"&mdash;To save time, contributions to the
+Balaclava Fund should be forwarded direct to the Editor of <i>The
+St. James's Gazette</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span>
+
+<h3>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/281-800.png"><img src="images/281-500.png" width="500" height="353" alt="Poor little Zélie (beseechingly). O Mr. Randegger," /></a>
+<p class="center"><i>Poor little Zélie (beseechingly).</i> O Mr. Randegger,
+<i>do</i> let me have my bouquets!]</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;<i>Don Giovanni.</i> <span class="sc">Ravelli</span> the Reliable an excellent
+<i>Don
+Ottavio</i>, vocally; considered dramatically, he does as much as can be
+expected of a man of his inches. <i>Zerlina</i> and <i>Masetto</i> so pleased
+with his singing that they stop on the stage all through the <i>tessoro</i>
+song, for which he takes a hearty <i>encore</i>, whereupon <i>Zerlina</i> and
+<i>Mazetto</i> run off quickly. Having had enough of it, however, they
+do not return for the <i>encore</i>. Rather rude this. <span class="sc">Dan Drady</span> too
+sinister for gay <i>Don Giovanni</i>; and there is a villanous determination
+about his gallantry which would have frightened away the coquettish
+<i>Zerlina</i>, and have warned the more mature ladies of the world,
+<i>Donna Anna</i> and <i>Donna Elvira</i>, in time to prevent them from falling
+victims to his wiles. Otherwise a highly satisfactory <i>Don</i>. Signor
+<span class="sc">Plunketto Greeno</span> as the unfortunate <i>Commendatore</i>, who is first
+killed, and then executed in stone, as a statue to his own memory,
+was heard and seen to the best advantage. <span class="sc">Zélie de Lussan</span>, too
+Carmenish as flighty little <i>Zerlina</i>, but evidently a match for the
+sardonic Don <span class="sc">Dan Drady</span>. Madame <span class="sc">Tavary</span> has done well to quit
+the Hofoperahaus, Munich, and come to Covengardenhaus as <i>Donna
+Anna</i>,&mdash;a trying part that not <i>Anna</i>-body can play and sing as
+well as Madame <span class="sc">Tavary</span>. This lady and <span class="sc">Lilian Nordica</span> (pretty
+name <span class="sc">Lilian</span>) as <i>Donna Elvira</i> render the characters so
+charmingly,
+that they cease to be the funereal bores I have generally considered
+them. <i>Ottavio</i>, <i>Anna</i>, and <i>Elvira</i>, the trio with a grievance,
+are,
+usually, about as cheerful as the three Anabaptists in <i>Le Prophčte.
+Mais on a changé tout cela</i>. <span class="sc">Palladino</span>, as the dancing guest&mdash;she
+is always small and early in every Opera now&mdash;delights everyone,
+and so does Conductor <span class="sc">Randegger</span>, who is determined that poor
+little <span class="sc">Zélie de Lussan</span> shall not receive the big bouquets which a
+mysterious man has brought to the orchestra; then one of the instrumentalists
+handed them to the leader, who, in order to take them,
+has been compelled to put down his violin, and, after looking about
+in a helpless and puzzled manner, holds them until further orders
+from his chief. Not receiving further orders, he occupies his time
+by sniffing at the flowers and making remarks <i>sotto voce</i> to his companion
+violinist on the botanical beauties of the <i>flora</i>. Conductor
+<span class="sc">Randegger</span>, apparently unaware of what has been taking place
+behind his back, turns round abruptly to inquire why leader is taking
+a few bars' rest. Leading violinist exhibits bouquet, and appeals in
+dumb show to conductor. The conductor's eye in fine frenzy rolling,
+says as clearly as fine frenzied rolling eye can say anything,
+"Remove that bauble!"&mdash;(<span class="sc">Randegger</span> would make up remarkably
+well as <i>Cromwell</i>)&mdash;and the leader, with a sympathetic and apologetic
+glance at <span class="sc">Zélie</span> as implying, "You should have had 'em if <i>I</i> could
+have managed it, but you see how I'm situated. <span class="sc">Randegger's</span> a
+hard man"&mdash;puts the bouquets on the floor of the orchestra, and,
+dismissing them by a supreme effort from his thoughts, betakes
+himself to his musical Paganinic duties. What becomes of the
+flowers that bloom in the orchestra, <i>tra la!</i> I don't know, I wish
+that <span class="sc">Zélie</span> may get them. Remembering the example set by
+"Practical <span class="sc">John</span>" at the Gaiety, of placarding up everywhere in
+the theatre "No Fees," <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span>, at the suggestion of Conductor
+<span class="sc">Randegger</span>, might "hang out a banner on the outer wall" of the
+orchestra, with the letters inscribed on it "N.B.&mdash;No Bouquets."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;The grandest night of the Season up to now, dear boys.
+<i>Romeo</i> <span class="sc">Jean de Reszké</span>, and <span class="sc">Melba</span> <i>Juliette</i>. What
+can you wish
+for more? <span class="sc">Edouard de Reszké</span> as the <i>Frčre Laurent</i> a magnificent
+Friar, belonging to some one of the theatrical "Orders" "not
+admitted after seven." The talented Mlle. <span class="sc">Bauermeister's</span>
+<i>Gertrude</i>
+hardly a companion picture to her <i>Martha</i> in <i>Faust</i>. Signor
+<span class="sc">Plunketto Greeno</span> not quite every inch a Duke: about one inch
+in three Duke and the rest Democrat. When he has been <i>Duke of
+Verona</i> long enough, he'll be all right, and most likely</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>He'll be, this Mister <span class="sc">Plunket Greene</span>,</p>
+<p>The Dukiest Duke that ever was seen.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>A word to the wise. Whenever this Season <i>Romeo and Juliette</i> is
+played with this cast, go and see it. Don't hesitate. It's memorable.
+A feast for ear and eye. <i>Ite ad astra-operatica.</i> And at the same
+time, don't forget to honourably mention the founder of the feast,
+<span class="sc">Augustus Druriolanus</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Extra. <i>Carmen.</i> Derby Day. I have been at the
+Derby. Glad to get back again. As to "back again," I don't "back
+again" anything for a long time. But, <i>ŕ nos moutons</i>. <i>Toreador</i>
+evidently has had his money on <i>Sainfoin</i>. Never sang better. Glad
+to see the simple Scotch lassie, <span class="sc">Maggie <ins title="Transcriber's Note: or 'MacIntyre'">McIntyre</ins></span>, once more as the
+village maiden. Charming. <span class="sc">Zélie de Lussan</span> as wickedly attractive
+as ever. What a collection such a gipsy would make on a Derby
+Day&mdash;a fine Derby Day&mdash;among the "pretty gentlemen" whose
+fortunes she would tell. Extra night this, and extra good.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;A <span class="sc">Wagner</span> Night. Crowded to see <span class="sc">Jean de
+Reszké</span>
+as another Wagner Knight. <span class="sc">Neddie de Reszké</span> as the <i>King
+Henry</i>&mdash;every
+inch a King, and something to spare. Freddy Telramondo
+suits <span class="sc">Dan Drady</span> better than <i>Don Giovanni</i>. Madame
+<span class="sc">Fursch-Madi</span> as the wicked <i>Ortruda</i>,&mdash;("Never saw ought ruder
+than her conduct to Elsa," observes the irrepressible Mr.
+<span class="sc">Wagstaff</span>,)&mdash;And
+<span class="sc">Maggie <ins title="Transcriber's Note: or 'McIntyre'">MacIntyre</ins></span> as the virtuous but unhappy
+<i>Elsa</i>. The stranger in the land of <span class="sc">Wagner</span> begins to wonder at
+the continuous flow of the melody, not one tiny cupful of which can
+he take away with him, until with joy he hears the Bridal Chorus
+at the commencement of the Third Act, and for a few moments
+he rests <i>dans un pays de connaissance</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;<i>Lucia di Lammermoor.</i> Great night for Madame
+<span class="sc">Melba</span>. Recalled three times before Curtain after each Act. Living
+illustration of once popular romance, "<i>Called Back</i>." Great night,
+too, for Harpist and Flutist. Both gentlemen highly applauded,
+and would have been recalled, but for the fact of their not having
+quitted the orchestra. Harper plays solo from <i>Harper's Miscellany</i>,
+arranged by <span class="sc">Donizetti</span>. <span class="sc">Ravelli</span> the Reliable recalled also.</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;Brilliant house. Royal Highnesses early to come and
+last to go. Magnificent performance of <i>Die Meistersinger</i>. M.
+<span class="sc">Isnardon</span> very comic as <i>Beckmesser</i>, <span class="sc">Lassalle</span> a noble
+Hans Sachs
+("the shoemaker who sings a sole-o," says Mr. <span class="sc">Wagstaff</span>), <span class="sc">Jean de
+Reszké</span> a grand young <i>Walther</i>, <span class="sc">Montariol</span> (as before) a
+capital
+silly idiot <i>David</i>, Mlle. <span class="sc">Bauermeistersinger</span> very lively as
+<i>Magdalena</i>,
+and Madame <span class="sc">Tavary</span> a skittish young chit in the somewhat
+trying and rather thankless part of <i>Eva</i>. The tenor's song to her
+ought to be, "<span class="sc">Eva,</span> of thee I'm fondly dreaming," if <span class="sc">Wagner</span> had
+only thought of it. Opera too long; but Wagnerites don't complain,
+and certainly to-night they get their money's worth and something
+over, from 7.30 till past midnight.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>A SWEET THING IN CRITICISM.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Cardinal Manning</span>, apparently having been invited by its author
+to express an opinion upon Mr. <span class="sc">Wm. O'Brien's</span> "<i>When we were
+Boys</i>,"
+writes:&mdash;"When I got to the end, I forgot the book, and would only
+think of Ireland&mdash;its manifest sufferings, and its inextricable sorrows."
+His Eminence then continues:&mdash;"I hope to see the day break, and I
+hope you will see the noontide, when the people of Ireland will be
+readmitted, so far as is possible, to the possession of their own soil,
+and shall be admitted, so far as is possible, to the making and
+administration of their own local laws, while they shall still share
+in the legislation which governs and consolidates the Empire. Then
+<i>Ken</i> and <i>Mabel</i> shall be no more parted."</p>
+
+<p>No doubt this excellent critique will be followed by the publication
+of letters somewhat similar to the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Dear Mr. Apples,</span>&mdash;I promised to write to you after I had used your
+Soap. When I had finished washing my hands, I forgot everything but
+gallant little Wales. I hope to see the morning, and trust you will see
+the evening, of that time when the bold sun of freedom will shine over
+a land true to itself, as far as possible, and rejoicing in the name of
+the country without stain. Then will we all say, "Good afternoon,"
+followed by the customary inquiry. Believe me,
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind1">Always yours very faithfully,</p>        <p class="author1"><span class="sc">W. E. Gl-dst-ne</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p>Should this mode of criticism be extended, the benefit to those who
+have to review without knowing what to say will be obvious.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>A New Heading of an Old Epitaph.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A remarkable coincidence has attended the drawings of two of the
+principal Club Derby Sweepstakes. As we stated yesterday, the Garrick
+Club Sweepstakes, of the value of Ł300, has fallen to Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Irving</span>.
+We now learn that Mr. <span class="sc">Toole</span> benefits to the extent of Ł75 out of the
+Sweepstakes of the Devonshire Club."&mdash;<i>Daily News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Lovely</span> in Life, they were Both There when the Sweepstakes were
+Divided.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/282-1500.png"><img src="images/282-600.png" width="600" height="388" alt="A SEVERE SENTENCE." /></a>
+<h4>A SEVERE SENTENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, dear, I'm afraid Cook wants Judgment.</span>" <i>He.</i>
+"<span class="sc"><i>Judgment!</i> She Wants <i>Execution!</i></span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"THREE FISHERS."</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Three</span> fishers went fishing North-east and North-west</p>
+<p class="i2">(Like the trio from Kingsley familiarly known).</p>
+<p>Each thought himself, doubtless, the bravest and best,</p>
+<p class="i2">And held the good "swims" should be mainly his own.</p>
+<p>There was <span class="sc">Johnny</span> the Briton, and <span class="sc">François</span> the Frank,</p>
+<p>And <span class="sc">Jonathan</span> also, the artful young Yank,</p>
+<p class="i2">An expert at "bouncing" and "boning."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And <span class="sc">François</span> the Frank, who went fishing for cod,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nicked lobsters as well, and he stuck to them too;</p>
+<p>He declared they were all the same thing, which seemed odd,</p>
+<p class="i2">The result being anger and hullaballoo,</p>
+<p>And rows about Bounties, and shines about Bait;</p>
+<p>For ructions all round are as certain as fate,</p>
+<p class="i2">When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And <span class="sc">Jonathan</span>, well, <i>he</i> went fishing for seals,</p>
+<p class="i2">And he wanted the fishing grounds all to himself.</p>
+<p>When the Russ had done ditto, the Yank had raised squeals</p>
+<p class="i2">(How consistency's floored in the struggle for pelf!)</p>
+<p>And <span class="sc">Jonathan</span> took a most high-handed course;</p>
+<p>For greediness mostly falls back on brute force,</p>
+<p class="i2">When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And <span class="sc">Johnny</span> the Briton, a sturdy old salt,</p>
+<p class="i2">Had been a sea-grabber himself in his time;</p>
+<p>Some held that monopoly still was his fault,</p>
+<p class="i2">Others swore that his modesty verged upon crime,</p>
+<p>Nor is it quite easy to say which was true,</p>
+<p>For so much depends on a man's point of view,</p>
+<p class="i2">When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But when <span class="sc">Johnny</span> the Briton caught sight of the Frank</p>
+<p class="i2">Making tracks with a lobster&mdash;the whoppingest one&mdash;</p>
+<p>And when he perceived the impertinent Yank</p>
+<p class="i2">With the seal&mdash;such a spanker!&mdash;skedaddling like fun,</p>
+<p>He stood and he shouted, "Stop thief! Hi! Hold hard!"</p>
+<p>For language does not always "go by the card,"</p>
+<p class="i2">When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Now then, you sea-grabbers," he bellowed, "Belay!</p>
+<p class="i2">I suppose you imagine I'm out of it quite.</p>
+<p>But you're not going to have it just all your own way.</p>
+<p class="i2">Fair dues! my dear boys. After all, right is right!</p>
+<p>Big Behring is no <i>mare clausum</i>, young Yank,</p>
+<p>And cold Newfoundland is not <i>yours</i>, my fine Frank,</p>
+<p class="i2">In spite of your 'bouncing' and 'boning.'"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Well, he of the Lobster and he of the Seal</p>
+<p class="i2">Have rights of their own, which old <span class="sc">John</span> won't deny.</p>
+<p>But <i>he</i> has some too, and <i>Punch</i> hopes they will feel</p>
+<p class="i2">That they should not grab his, and had better not try.</p>
+<p>Some <i>modus vivendi</i> no doubt can be found,</p>
+<p>To make the Three Fishers quite friendly all round,</p>
+<p class="i2">And good-bye to all "bouncing" and "boning!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>ELCHO ANSWERS.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Q.</i> What loves "The Country" more than Tithes Bills tracing?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">Racing!</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> And what than "Compensation's" doubtful courses?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">'Orses!</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> Than Bills of Irish Tenants poor to favour rights?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">Favourites!</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> What does it find as profitless as St. Stephens?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">"Evens!"</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> What more exciting than "The Pouncer's" nods?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">"Odds!"</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> What does it love far more than <span class="sc">Labby's</span> jokes?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">"Oaks!"</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> And what beyond all <span class="sc">Elcho's</span> quirks and quips?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">"Tips!"</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> What would it call him who of "Sport" turns squelcher?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">"Welsher!!!"</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> Who finds the "Derby" closing satisfactory?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i> <span style="margin-left: 16em;"> Hack Tory!</span></p>
+<p><i>Q.</i> What's the protesting Puritan Gladstonian?</p>
+<p><i>A.</i><span style="margin-left: 16em;">"Stony 'un!"</span></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">German Motto in Africa.</span>&mdash;"<i>For Farther Land!</i>"</h4>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/283-1500.png"><img src="images/283-600.png" width="600" height="445" alt="'THREE FISHERS.'" /></a>
+<h3>"THREE FISHERS."</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">John Bull.</span> "HULLO! YOU SEA-GRABBERS!&mdash;WHERE DO <i>I</i> COME IN?"</h4></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page284" id="page284"></a>[pg 284]</span><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span>
+
+<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2>
+
+<h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer.</i>)</h3>
+
+<h4>No. XIII.&mdash;THE PRECOCIOUS UNDERGRADUATE.</h4>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:300px;"><a href="images/285-600.png"><img src="images/285-300.png" width="300" height="380" alt="The Precocious Undergraduate" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Ever</span> since undergraduates existed at all, there must have been
+some who, in the precocity of their hearts, set themselves up or were
+set up by the admiration of their fellows as patterns of life, and
+knowledge, and manners. But before steam and electricity made
+Oxford and Cambridge into suburbs of London, these little deities
+were scarcely heard of outside the limits of their particular University,
+the sphere of their influence was restricted, and they were
+unable to impress the crowd of their juvenile worshippers by the
+glamour which comes of frequent plunges into the dizzy whirlpool
+of London life. Now, however, all that is changed. Our seats
+of learning are within a stone's throw of town, and the callow
+nestlings who yesterday fluttered feebly over King's Parade or
+the High, may to-day attempt a bolder flight in Piccadilly and the
+Park. The simpler pleasures of Courts and Quads soon pall upon
+one who believes emphatically, that life has no further secrets when
+the age of twenty has been reached, and that an ingenuous modesty
+is incompatible with the exercise of manliness. He despises the
+poor fools who are content to be merely young while youth remains.
+He himself, has sought for and found in London a fountain of age,
+from which he may quaff deep draughts, and returning, impart his
+experience to his envious friends.</p>
+
+<p>The Precocious Undergraduate, then, was (and is, for the type
+remains, though the individual may perish)
+one who attempted in his own opinion with
+perfect success, to combine an unerring knowledge
+of men with a smooth cheek and a brow
+as unwrinkled as late hours could leave it.
+In the sandy soil of immaturity he was fain
+to plant a flourishing reputation for cunning,
+and to water it with the tears of those who
+being responsible for his appearance in the
+world dreaded his premature affectation of its
+wisdom and its follies.</p>
+
+<p>They had given him, however, as befitted
+careful parents, every chance of acquiring an
+excellent education. In order that he might
+afterwards shine at the Bar or in the Senate,
+he was sent to one of our larger public schools,
+where he soon found that with a very small
+life-belt of Latin and Greek a boy may keep
+his head safe above the ripple of a master's
+anger. But his school career was not without
+honour. He was a boy of a frank and generous
+temperament, candid with his masters,
+and warm-hearted and sincere in his intercourse
+with his school-fellows. He was by
+no means slow with his wits, he was very
+quick with his eye and his limbs. Thus it
+came about that, although his scholarship
+was not calculated to make of him a Porson,
+he earned the admiration and applause of boys and masters by his
+triumphs as an athlete, a cricketer, and a foot-ball player, and was
+established as a universal favourite. At the usual age he left school
+and betook himself to college, freighted for this new voyage with
+the affection and the hopes of all who knew him.</p>
+
+<p>And now when everything smiled, and when in the glow of his
+first independence life assumed its brightest hues, in the midst of
+apparent success his real failures began. The sudden emancipation
+from the easy servitude of school was too much for him. The rush
+of his new existence swept him off his feet, and, yielding to the
+current, he was carried day by day more rapidly out to the sea of
+debt and dissipation, which in the end overwhelmed him. For a
+time, however, everything went well with him. His school and
+his reputation as a popular athlete assured to him a number of
+friends, he was elected a member of one or two prominent Clubs,
+he got into a good set. In their society he learnt that an undergraduate's
+tastes and his expenditure ought never to be limited by
+the amount of the yearly allowance he receives from his father.
+Whilst still in his freshman's Term, he was invited to a little card-party,
+at which he lost not only his head, but also all his ready
+money, and the greater part of the amount which had been placed
+to his credit at his Bank for the expenses of his first Term. This
+incident was naturally much discussed by the society in which he
+moved, and it was agreed that, for a freshman, he had shown considerable
+coolness in bearing up against his losses. Even amongst
+those who did not know him, his name began to be mentioned as
+that of one who was evidently destined to make a splash, and might
+some day be heard of in the larger world. His vanity was tickled.
+This, he thought to himself, not without pleasure, was indeed life,
+and thinking thus, he condemned all his past years, and the aspirations
+with which he had entered his University, as the folly of a
+boy. Soon afterwards he was found at a race-meeting, and was
+unfortunate enough to win a large sum of money from a book-maker
+who paid him.</p>
+
+<p>The next incident in his first Term was his attendance as a guest
+at a big dinner, where the unwonted excitement and a bumper or
+two of University champagne upset his balance. He grew boisterous,
+and on his way home to his rooms addressed disrespectfully the Dean
+of his College, who happened to be taking the air on the College
+grass-plot. He woke, the next morning, to find himself parched
+and pale, but famous. "Did you hear what So-and-So, the freshman,
+said to the Dean last night? Frightful cheek!"&mdash;so one undergraduate
+would speak of him to another, with a touch of envy which
+was not diminished by the fact that his hero had been gated at nine
+for a week.</p>
+
+<p>But it is useless to pursue his career through every detail. He
+went on gambling, and soon found himself the debtor or the creditor
+of those whom he still attempted to look upon as his friends. He
+bought several thousand large cigars at Ł10 per hundred from a
+touting tobacconist, who promised him unlimited credit, and charged
+him a high rate of per-centage on the debt. He became constant in
+his visits to London, and, after a course of dinners at the Bristol, the
+Berkeley, and the Café Royal, he acquired, at Cambridge, the reputation
+of a connoisseur in cooking and in wine. The Gaiety was his
+abiding-place, the lounge at the Empire would have been incomplete
+without him: for him Lais added a rosy glow to her complexion and
+a golden shimmer to her hair; he supped in her company, and, when
+he gave her a diamond swallow, purchased without immediate payment
+in Bond Street, the paragraphist of a
+sporting paper recorded the gift in his
+columns with many cynical comments. In
+short, he now knew himself to be indeed a
+man of the world. Henceforward he seemed
+to spend almost as much time in London as in
+Cambridge. It is unnecessary to add that
+his legitimate resources soon ran dry; he
+supplied their deficiency from the generous
+fountain of a money-lender's benevolence.
+After all, eight per cent. per month sounds
+quite cheap until it is multiplied by twelve,
+and, as he always disliked arithmetic, he
+abstained from the calculation, and pocketed
+the loan. And thus, for a time, the wheel
+of excitement was kept spinning merrily.
+But the pace was too fast to last for long.
+Somehow or other, soon after the beginning
+of his third year, his happy gaiety which
+had carried him cheerfully through many
+scenes of revelry seemed to desert him. He
+became subject to fits of morose abstraction.
+His dress was no longer of the same shining
+merit, nor did he seem to care, as formerly,
+to keep his cuffs and collars unspotted from
+the world. Disagreeable rumours began to
+be whispered about him. He was said to
+have failed to pay his card-debts, and yet to
+have gone on gambling night after night; and at last came the
+terrible report&mdash;all the more terrible for not being fully understood
+by those who heard it&mdash;that he had been posted at Tattersall's.</p>
+
+<p>Undergraduate Society is, however, of an extraordinary tolerance,
+and if it had not been for his own manifest misery, he might have
+kept his head up in Cambridge even under these calamities. But
+he began too late to realise his own folly, and with the memory of
+his triumphs and his collapse, of his extravagance and his debts
+clogging his efforts, he tried to read. He did read, feverishly,
+uselessly, and when his list appeared his name was absent from it.
+Then followed the fatal interview with his father, and the inevitable
+crash, in the course of which he became the defendant in a celebrated
+case on the subject of an infant's necessaries. An occupation was
+sought for him, but all capacity for honest effort seemed to have
+perished with his frankness and his cheerfulness. After creeping
+about London in a hang-dog fashion for a year or two, he
+eventually decided to tempt misfortune in the Western States of
+America. For a time he "ranched" without success, and was
+heard of as a frequenter of saloons. A year later he died ignobly by
+the revolver of a Western rowdy, in the course of a drunken brawl.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Musical Forecasts.</span>&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Paddy Rewski</span> will play variations on
+his own national Melodies, including the <i>Gigue Irlandaise</i>, entitled,
+"<i>Donnybrook Fair</i>."&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Reddie's</span> Pianoforte Recital is
+fixed for the 17th. It is not placarded about the town, as the clever
+pianist says, he's perfectly <span class="sc">Reddie</span>, but he's not
+<span class="sc">Willing</span>.&mdash;Mr.
+<span class="sc">Josef Dash-my-lud-wig</span> is going to give a Second Chamber Concert
+on behalf of the Funds of the Second Chambermaid Theatrical Aid
+Society.&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Cusins'</span> Concert is on the 12th. Uncles and Aunts
+please accept this intimation.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page286" id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/286-1000.png"><img src="images/286-365.png" width="365" height="496" alt="EXPERIMENTS BY THE GRAND OLD HYPNOTISER AT ST. STEPHEN'S." /></a>
+<h3>EXPERIMENTS BY THE GRAND OLD HYPNOTISER AT ST. STEPHEN'S.</h3></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page287" id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span>
+
+<h3>A HARMLESS GHOST.</h3>
+
+<p class="center1">
+[A Gentleman advertises for an old house, and says, "Harmless
+Ghost not objected to."]
+</p>
+
+<h4><i>A Spectre speaks</i>:&mdash;</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Tell</span> us, good Sir, what is a Harmless Ghost?</p>
+<p class="i2">One who walks quietly at dead of night,</p>
+<p>For just a single hour or so at most,</p>
+<p class="i2">And never gives folks what is termed a fright?</p>
+<p>Is it a Ghost that never clanks his chains,</p>
+<p class="i2">That never gibbers, and that bangs no door:</p>
+<p>But quietly and peacefully remains</p>
+<p class="i2">In calm <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'posesssion'">possession</ins> of some upper floor?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A Harmless Ghost is not a Ghost at all,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unworthy of the name; no Headless Man,</p>
+<p>Or other spectre that could men appal,</p>
+<p class="i2">Would condescend to live 'neath such a ban.</p>
+<p>No phantom with a grain of self-respect</p>
+<p class="i2">Would make a promise never to do harm.</p>
+<p>Find your old house, but please to recollect,</p>
+<p class="i2">A Ghost who knows his business <i>must</i> alarm.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>MORE MASQUERADING.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch,</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">With</span> reference to the several cases of "Masquerading"
+that have recently been mentioned in the
+columns of a contemporary, I wish to add a remarkable
+experience of our own firm, that, if it does not completely
+clear the matter up, may at least serve to throw a little
+light upon the subject. Last Friday afternoon a middle-aged
+man of unmistakable City build dashed wildly into
+our establishment, and desired to be supplied with "the
+largest pantomime head" with which we could furnish
+him. This we fortunately had in stock in the shape of
+a large green and phosphorescent faced representation of
+the "Demon of Despair," which was rendered additionally
+attractive through being supplied with a "trick
+eye," which worked with a string.</p>
+
+<p>It was evidently of the greatest importance to him
+that the head should be natural and becoming, and by
+the close and satisfied scrutiny he gave it, and the great
+care with which he fitted it on, the one with which we
+supplied him evidently fully answered his requirements.
+His manner was certainly strange, for though he refused
+to give his address, he took several flying leaps across
+the shop, turning a double back somersault as he cleared
+the counter, and finally asked me whether I thought
+him sufficiently disguised to avoid recognition in his own
+immediate circle?</p>
+
+<p>I told him candidly that I thought his large head,
+being peculiar, might possibly draw upon him notice
+that otherwise he would fail to arouse, and I added,
+"You see, it is not as if there were a dozen of you."</p>
+
+<p>"True," he replied; "you're quite right. There
+ought to be a dozen of us. Look out the heads. I will
+go and fetch 'em." And he dashed out of my establishment,
+followed by a small crowd. In about two hours
+and a half, however, he returned, accompanied by
+twelve other middle-aged City men, and in almost as
+short a time as it takes me to tell it, I had fitted them
+all with large pantomime heads.</p>
+
+<p>He paid the bill and left the shop. I watched them
+all get on to a King's Cross and Brompton Omnibus,
+and that was the last I saw of them. There is nothing
+very remarkable in the occurrence, as we are in the habit
+of making up disguises, sometimes as many as 500 in an
+afternoon on the shortest notice. Still I could not help
+wondering upon what business my eccentric friend was
+bent. A Divorce Case? Possibly a Murder? Who
+knows? Perhaps somebody may have met the bevy
+down West, and can throw some light upon the subject.
+Meantime, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, I beg to subscribe myself,</p>
+
+<p class="author1">Yours respectfully,</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">A Sly Fox but a Cautious Costumier</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Short Notice.</span>"&mdash;Those who did not hear Mr. <span class="sc">George
+Grossmith's</span> entertainment at St. James's Hall last
+Saturday week lost a very great treat. There must have
+been thousands in London at the moment who suffered
+this deprivation. Our Special Noticer was among the
+number. Let us hope <span class="sc">Gee-Gee</span> will do it again, and all
+shall be forgiven.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/287-800.png"><img src="images/287-400.png" width="400" height="435" alt="TOMMY'S ''ARRIET' DEPARTMENT." /></a>
+<h4>TOMMY'S "'ARRIET" DEPARTMENT.</h4>
+
+<p class="center"><i>A Group omitted from the Military Exhibition.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div>
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 2.</i>&mdash;Heligoland is safe, but there were
+some anxious moments. <span class="sc">George Campbell</span> led attack. House reassembled
+after Whitsun recess. Not many present. <span class="sc">Old Morality</span> still sporting in
+the
+country, toying with Amaryllis in the shade, or with tangles of Neaera's hair.
+(That's how the Member for Sark puts it, but admits that it's only poetry.) Mr.
+G. away too, also <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> and <span class="sc">Hartington</span>. <span class="sc">Jokim</span> in
+charge of Government
+ship; evidently in mildest mood; didn't once pounce, though sorely
+tempted by all-pervadingness of <span class="sc">Campbell</span>. That eminent Statesman only
+began
+with Heligoland; steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of
+salary of Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland
+given up.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly not," said <span class="sc">Nicholas Wood</span>; "must take firm stand with these
+Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is situated.
+Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall support
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Whilst <span class="sc">Nicholas</span> off in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland,
+<span class="sc">Sage of
+Queen Anne's Gate</span> backs up <span class="sc">Campbell</span>. Knows Heligoland intimately.
+Seems
+to have passed best period of useful life there. Members quite prepared to hear
+that there it was the famous letter from Foreign Office found him when, by way
+of reproof of niggardliness of Department, he was obeying instructions that
+transferred
+him from Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligoland
+<i>en route</i>, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules,
+whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing a scion of
+the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor. "Hand it over to
+Germany, in exchange, if you please, for few pounds of sausages; but get rid
+of it."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Nicholas</span>, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of
+Ireland,
+lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," he
+says;
+"we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed; don't quite follow argument.
+Rather wonder <span class="sc">Arthur Balfour</span> isn't in his place to explain it; at
+same time, haven't slightest doubt it's another Mitchelstown affair&mdash;another
+Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall watch to see which Lobby our Whips are
+filling, and march straight into it."</p>
+
+<p>Thus Heligoland was saved, <span class="sc">Nicholas</span> and 149 others voting against
+<span class="sc">Campbell</span>,
+who led into the Lobby only 27 patriots. After this, that man of war,
+<span class="sc">James Stuart Allanson Tudor Picton</span>, came to the front, and led
+Opposition
+in matter relating to Sierra Leone. <span class="sc">George Campbell</span> made several
+speeches
+on this topic, and when Amendment negatived, came up quite fresh with his
+story of the Pacific Seas, where it seems there have been excursions, followed
+by
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page288" id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span>
+alarums, all converging on urgent necessity of reducing the salary
+of the Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific by Ł200. This
+also negatived after couple of hours' discussion. Then <span class="sc">George</span>,
+stepping lightly from Western Pacific to the Cape, moved to reduce
+salary of High Commissioner of South Africa by Ł1000.</p>
+
+<p>"A regular peripatetic seven-leagued-boot mowing-machine,"
+said <span class="sc">Jackson</span>, gazing dreamily on mobile features of Member for
+Kircaldy. Business done.&mdash;In Committee of Supply.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:125px;"><a href="images/288-1-230.png"><img src="images/288-1-125.png" width="125" height="487" alt="A Serious Young" /></a>
+<p class="center">A Serious Young Man.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Question is, shall House adjourn over to-morrow, being
+Derby Day, or shall it forbear? <span class="sc">Elcho</span> says,
+"Yes." <span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span> says, "No." House,
+upon consideration, agrees with <span class="sc">Elcho</span>, though
+by significantly small majority. For holiday, 160;
+against, 133. <span class="sc">Coghill</span>, who had vainly protested
+against adjournment, says majority not so wide
+as a church door, but 'twill serve. It's the writing
+on the wall, and the Derby holiday in the Commons
+doomed. <span class="sc">Coghill</span> serious young man; likes things
+to be doomed; encouraged by the prospect, becomes
+dangerously festive.</p>
+
+<p>Member who moves Adjournment over Derby
+Day expected to be funny. <span class="sc">Pam</span>, who, when he
+was Minister, always did it, established fashion.
+Been followed in later days by <span class="sc">Dick Power</span>,
+and other eminent sportsmen. <span class="sc">Elcho</span> displayed
+paternal failing for undue length, but just managed
+to stop in time, not spoiling success of speech that
+greatly pleased House. Curious to note points of
+personal resemblance between the new Lord <span class="sc">Elcho</span>
+and the old. Son, doubtless designedly, delivered
+his speech from corner-seat on front Bench below
+Gangway, whence, in days of yore, the father
+used to hold forth, almost literally buttonholing
+House of Commons; holding on to it in much same
+way as <i>Ancient Mariner</i> delayed the hungry
+wedding guest.</p>
+
+<p>"Happy," says the Member for Sark, "is the
+Legislature that can spare an <span class="sc">Elcho</span> for either
+Chamber! Favoured the generation that succeeds
+to such an inheritance! With <span class="sc">Wemyss</span> in the
+Lords, and <span class="sc">Elcho</span> in the Commons, there is still
+hope for my country!"</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:160px;"><a href="images/288-2-300.png"><img src="images/288-2-160.png" width="160" height="455" alt="Citizen Pickersgill." /></a>
+<p class="center">Citizen Pickersgill.</p></div>
+
+<p>Talk about Police Regulation for Procession on Saturday to
+demonstrate against Compensation Bill. Citizen <span class="sc">Pickersgill</span> moved
+adjournment of House in order to discuss matter. <span class="sc">Cunninghame-Graham</span>
+seized opportunity to run amuck at his revered Leaders
+on Front Opposition Bench. Accused them of sitting there like
+stuffed figures at Madame Tussaud's. "Why stuffed?" <span class="sc">John
+Mobley</span> asked, but <span class="sc">Cunninghame-Graham</span>
+not to be interrupted in flush of eloquence.
+When once started went at them hammer
+and tongs; only a few battered figures recognisable
+on Front Bench when he had finished.</p>
+
+<p>"Fact is, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," he said, "<span class="sc">Bradlaugh's</span>
+got his eye on that Bench. Means to sit
+there some day. Want him to know that
+even that sanctuary shall not preserve him
+from my wrath. Just getting my hand in.
+He'll be sorry he ever ventured to bite his
+thumb at me." <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Education
+Vote in Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Lord <span class="sc">Chunnel-Tannel</span> moves
+Second Reading of his Bill. A very inoffensive
+measure, he says; not proposed to sanction
+creation of Tunnel under the sea. Oh,
+dear no! Nothing of that kind. All that
+is wanted is that the Company shall be permitted
+to keep their machinery oiled, bore
+for coal, and fill up spare time by fishing for
+whitebait with line. Could there be any
+harm in that? <span class="sc">Chunnel-Tannel</span> asked,
+with hand outstretched with deprecating
+gesture towards Treasury Bench, on which
+the long length of <span class="sc">Hicks Beach</span> was coiled.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. G. backed up his noble friend; ridiculed
+idea of danger to England from creation
+of Tunnel. If anybody had need for
+apprehension, it was France&mdash;a fine, subtly
+patriotic idea, which did not meet with
+that measure of applause on Conservative Benches that might
+have been expected. Fact is, Conservatives don't like this newly
+established friendliness between Mr. G. and <span class="sc">Chunnel-Tannel</span>.
+Noble Lord not so certain to respond to crack of Ministerial Whip as
+was his wont before he yielded to the spell. Stout Ministerialists
+thinking more of <span class="sc">Chunnel-Tannel's</span> attitude on Irish Question than
+of probability of French invasion by proposed Tunnel; so they lustily
+cheer <span class="sc">Hicks-Beach</span> when he denounces scheme. Cry, "Oh! oh!"
+when <span class="sc">Chunnel-Tannel</span> makes crafty appeal for support of Irish
+Members, and go out in body to stop up the Tunnel.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">J. S. Forbes</span> watches scene from Strangers' Gallery. Lost in
+admiration of <span class="sc">Chunnel-Tannel's</span> meek mood.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:150px;"><a href="images/288-3-350.png"><img src="images/288-3-150.png" width="150" height="347" alt="Minister of Education." /></a>
+<p class="center">Minister of Education.</p></div>
+
+<p>"Why, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," he said, in his perturbation brushing his new
+curly-brimmed hat the wrong way, "he looks as if butter wouldn't
+melt in his mouth. His low voice, his deferential manner, his
+pained surprise at suggestion of wanting to do anything else but
+catch those whitebait with a line, take one's breath away. A wonderful
+man <span class="sc">Chunnel-Tannel</span>, but dangerous on this tack. Known
+him and fought him man and boy for twenty years; fear him most
+when in melting mood." <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Discussing Tithes Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Met <span class="sc">Hart Dyke</span> walking about
+Corridor with contemplative air. Debate on
+Education Vote going forward in House.
+"How is it you aren't on Treasury Bench?"
+I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't stand any more of it, <span class="sc">Toby</span>. My hair
+positively beginning to frizzle under heat of
+blushes. Never suspected myself of being such
+Heavenborn Education Minister. But they all
+say it&mdash;<span class="sc">Mundella</span>, <span class="sc">Playfair</span>, <span class="sc">Lubbock</span>, and
+even <span class="sc">Sam Smith</span>. <span class="sc">Cranborne</span> and <span class="sc">Talbot</span>
+not quite so sure; but on other side one chorus
+of approval. Bore it pretty well for hour or
+so; but at end of that time grows embarrassing.
+Just came out for little walk; look in
+again presently."</p>
+
+<p>On Report of Supply, <span class="sc">George Campbell</span>
+strolled in from the Pacific; proposed to
+call attention to mission of Sir <span class="sc">Linton
+Simmons</span> to the <span class="sc">Pope</span>. No Vote connected
+therewith happens to be in Estimates; so
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span> ruled him out of Order.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, very well," said <span class="sc">George</span>; "that's
+out of order is it? Well, let me see,
+there's Japan;" and he talked for thirty-five
+minutes about Japan.</p>
+
+<p style="margin-bottom: 0.5em;"><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Education Vote agreed to.</p>
+<br clear="all" />
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE SCHOOL BOARD BEFORE THE END OF THE CENTURY.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>A Prophecy of the Near Future.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The</span> children had left the school, and the pianos were closed for
+the night. The Senior Wranglers who had been conducting the
+lessons were divesting themselves of their academical robes, and preparing
+to quit the premises to return to their palatial homes, the
+outcome of a portion of their princely salaries. In couples they disappeared
+until only one was left&mdash;he was older than his colleagues, and
+consequently slower in his movements. As he was about to summon
+his carriage a wild-looking individual suddenly appeared before him,
+and, sinking in a chair, appealed to him with a gesture that, fraught
+with weakness, was yet defiant.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you want with me, my good man?" asked the Senior
+Wrangler, who had a kindly nature.</p>
+
+<p>"What have you done with my sons?" gasped the visitor.</p>
+
+<p>"No doubt, if they were intended for crossing-sweepers, we have
+instructed them in the rudiments of classical dancing, and if you
+purposed bringing them up as errand-boys, it is highly probable that
+we have taught them how to play upon the harpsichord."</p>
+
+<p>"That's how it is!" cried the other. "They <i>have</i> been taught
+how to play on the harpsichord; and, as the instrument is obsolete,
+I ask you, Sir, how are they to get their living?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is no affair of mine, my good fellow," returned the Senior
+Wrangler, dryly. "It is my duty to teach the child, and not to
+answer the questions of the parent."</p>
+
+<p>"And the rates are doubled!" cried the Board Scholar's father,
+wringing his hands in despair, "and I am ruined!" The Senior
+Wrangler was growing impatient. He had to dine at the Club, and
+go to the Opera. "Well, what do you want with me?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Employment!" cried the other, in an agony of woe. "Give me
+employment. I have been ruined by the rates; let the rates support
+me&mdash;give me employment!"</p>
+
+<p>The Senior Wrangler considered for a moment; then he spoke&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think, my friend, that you could look after our highest
+class?" The man shook his head.</p>
+
+<p>"I am afraid not, Sir. My education was neglected. Beyond
+reading, writing, and arithmetic, I know next to nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"That will not be an objection," returned the Senior Wrangler, as he
+put a gardenia in his button-hole. "Our highest class is composed
+of our oldest pupils, and as they all suffer from over-pressure, your
+duties will be simply those of an attendant in an asylum for the care
+of the imbecile!" And the Ruined Ratepayer was entirely satisfied.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figleft1" style="width: 32px;"><img src="images/finger.png" width="32" height="14" alt="finger pointing" border="0" />
+</div>
+ <p class="center" style="margin-top: -0.2em;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<b>NOTICE.</b>&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 5em;">
+<tr><td class="note">
+<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4>
+
+<p>The query and the correction made are indicated by dotted lines underneath.<br />
+Scroll the mouse over the word and the query or the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p>
+
+<p>Page 281: <span class="sc">Maggie McIntyre</span>, on <i>Wednesday</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;becomes&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+<span class="sc">Maggie MacIntyre</span> on <i>Thursday</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Both have been retained, as the transcriber does not know which is correct, or if the two were interchangeable.</p>
+
+<p>Page 287: 'posesssion' corrected to 'possession':
+          "In calm possession of some upper floor".</p>
+
+</td></tr></table>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+98, June 14 1890, by Various
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+June 14 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 14 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis  Burnand
+
+Release Date: August 7, 2010 [EBook #33366]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 98, JUNE 14TH 1890
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. VI.
+
+"Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the Jury, even at
+the expense of the Judge." (An opportunity often occurs after Lunch.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GOOD OLD GRACE!"
+
+(_Doggerel on "The Doctor," by an "Old Duffer."_)
+
+    "Dr. GRACE, who seemed to forget his lameness, played with
+    great vigour and dash, and his cuts and drives possessed all
+    their old brilliancy."--_The Times, on the exciting finish in
+    the Cricket Match between the M.C.C. and the Australians, June
+    3, 1890._
+
+  One hundred and eleven runs, and eighty-five minutes to make 'em in,
+  And with TURNER and FERRIS to trundle as fast as they could pitch
+          and break 'em in!
+  And it looked any odds on MURDOCH'S men contriving to make a draw
+          of it;
+  But Cricket, my lads, is a curious game, and uncertainty seems the
+          sole law of it.
+  So they sent in GRACE and SHUTER to start. Well, the Doctor is now
+          called "a veteran,"
+  But at forty-two when he's on the job 'tisn't easy to pick out a
+          better 'un.
+  And he "spanked for four," like a lad once more, and he cut and he
+          drove like winking;
+  Though his leg _was_ lame, he forgot that same, and he "played the
+          game" without shrinking.
+  And Surrey's SHUTER he did his part, and so did Notts' GUNN, Sir,
+  Though he _might_ have chucked the game away when the Doctor he
+          managed to out-run, Sir.
+  It was hard, you see, upon W. G. in _that_ way to lose his wicket,
+  But all the same he had won the game, and had played superlative
+          Cricket.
+  Forty-three to make, and forty-five minutes! But GRACE and GUNN
+          were equal to it;
+  And a win, with a quarter of an hour in hand, was the satisfactory
+          sequel to it.
+  The Australians played a manly game, without any dawdling or
+          shirking;
+  And if they didn't avoid defeat why it wasn't for want of hard
+          working.
+  But the stiff-legged "Doctor" who forced the game in the most
+          judgmatical fashion,
+  And forgot his leg and his "forty year" odd, full flushed with a
+          Cricketer's passion!
+  Why he's the chap who deserves a shout. Bravo, brave "W. G," Sir.
+  And when you next are on the job, may the "Duffer" be there to
+          see, Sir!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEVELOPING HAWARDEN.
+
+    "The locality is extremely healthy, and Hawarden will probably
+    become a large residential place, and a centre of mining
+    industry."--_Mr. Gladstone's Evidence before the Commissioners
+    for Welsh Intermediate Education._
+
+_Monday._--Wood-cutting. Inconvenient having so many villas built all
+round park. Inhabitants inspect everything I do. Nasty little boys
+(whom I can see over their garden wall) shout "Yah!" and wave large
+primrose wreath. Irritating. Perhaps due to healthiness of air. Retire
+to another part of the demesne. Heavens! what is that erection? Looks
+like a Grand Stand, in a private garden, crowded with people. It
+is! Invited (by owner of garden) specially to view me and (I hear
+afterwards) my "celebrated wood-cutting performance," at a shilling
+a-head. Disgusted. Go in.
+
+_Tuesday._--Down local coal-mine. Interesting to have one at
+Park-gates. Explain to colliers principle of the Davy lamp. Colliers
+seem attentive, Ask me at the end for "a trifle to drink my health
+with." Don't they know I am opposed to Endowment of Public-houses?
+Yes, "but they aren't," they reply. Must invite WILFRID LAWSON to
+Hawarden.
+
+_Wednesday._--Curious underground rumblings. Wall of Castle develops
+huge crack. _What_ is it? A dynamite plot? Can SALISBURY have
+hired----? HERBERT comes in, and tells me the proprietor of Hawarden
+Salt Mine has just sent his compliments; with a request that I would
+"shore up" the Castle. Otherwise "he is afraid it may fall in on his
+workmen." Impudence! Why can't they dig under Eaton Hall instead?
+
+_Thursday._--WATKIN here. Offers to make a Tunnel under Castle, from
+one mine to the other. Why a Tunnel? Also wants to dig for gold in
+Park. Ask him, if there's any reason to suppose gold exists there? He
+says you never can tell what you may come to if you bore long enough.
+"At all events, even if no gold there, the boring useful if at any
+time I feel inclined for a Tunn----" Go in. WATKIN _has_ bored long
+enough already.
+
+_Friday._--STEPHEN drops in, and says "new Hawarden
+Cathedral"--_really_ built to accommodate people who come to hear
+me read Lessons, only STEPHEN thinks it's his sermons that are the
+attraction--"will soon he finished." I suggest that he should have
+Welsh "intermediate" services now and then. STEPHEN says "_he_ doesn't
+know Welsh, and can't see why Welsh people can't drop their horrible
+tongue at once, and all speak English." Pained, Tell him _he_ needn't
+conduct service--any Welsh-speaking clergyman would do. STEPHEN
+replies that if he introduced Welsh service, "villa-residents would
+boycott the Cathedral altogether." Well, supposing they do? STEPHEN
+retorts that "I had better have an Irish service at once, and get
+PARNELL up to read the Lessons." Something in the idea. Must think it
+over.
+
+_Saturday._--My usual holiday. Fifteen speeches. Park literally
+crammed. Excursionists, colliers, salt-miners, villa-residents, and
+Chester Liberals, all seem to find locality tremendously healthy. All
+enjoying themselves thoroughly. Wish _I_ was. Worn-out in evening.
+Begin to wonder what Park and Castle would fetch, if I were to go and
+settle in Hebrides to escape mob.
+
+_Sunday._--Escorted by two regiments of mounted Volunteers to Church.
+Volunteers have great difficulty in securing a passage. Have to use
+butts of their muskets on more impulsive spectators. Curious that just
+at this point I should Remember Mitchelstown. Must try and get over
+the habit. Lessons as usual. Find a crushed primrose between the
+pages, evidently put there on purpose. Those villa-residents again!
+Surely DREW might inspect the lectern before service commences! Home,
+and think seriously of Hebrides.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPOT.
+
+(_By a Practical Sportsman._)
+
+  The spot for me all spots above
+    In this wide world of casual lodgers,
+  Is not the nook sacred to love;
+    The "cot beside a rill" of ROGER'S.
+  'Tis not the spot which TOMMY MOORE
+    Praised in "_The Meeting of the Waters_."
+  Avoca's Vale my soul would bore;
+    I should prefer more lively quarters.
+  Thy "little spot," ELIZA COOK,
+    Means merely patriotic flummery;
+  And COLERIDGE'S "hidden brook"
+    Won't fetch me, e'en when weather's summery.
+  I hold the Picturesque is rot,
+    "Love in a Cot" means scraps for dinner;
+  I only know _one_ pleasant spot,--
+    I mean the "spot" that "finds a winner!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRIVATE AND SPECIAL LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.--Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH'S new
+novel is to be entitled, _Won of the Conquerors_. It would be unfair
+to the author to mention how what the Conquerors had conquered was won
+from them in turn. "I am at liberty to inform the public, however,"
+says the BARON DE B.-W., "that WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR is not in it
+with the others. I am able also to assure his numerous admirers that
+_Beauchamp's Career_ is not a medicinal romance, and has no sort of
+connection with a certain widely-advertised remedy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WILL HE GET THROUGH?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILLIAM HENRY _loquitur_:--
+
+  Pouf! Pouf! I'm that awfully out of breath with my long and
+          terrified scamper,
+  With that bull on my track, and this bag on my back, a burden that
+          Milo would hamper.
+  Though Milo was not a pedestrian "pot," nor was it a turnstile
+          that nipped him;
+  No, if I remember my classics aright, 'twas the fork of a
+          pine-tree that gripped him.
+  But nowadays one had need be a Milo and a fleet Pheidippides in
+          one, Sir.
+  And with carrying weight I'm in such a state, it isn't much
+          further _I_ can run, Sir.
+  Oh, drat that bull! Will nobody pull the brute by the tail, and
+          stop him?
+  Such beasts didn't ought to be let loose; in the _cloture_ pound
+          they should pop him,
+  With a gag on his muzzle. This turnstile's a puzzle, with its
+          three blessed wings, confound it!
+  I don't see my way to getting through it, and there's no way of
+          getting round it;
+  And I _am_ that fat--no, I won't say that; but I'm not, like dear
+          ARTHUR, quite lathy.
+  And I'm sure, by the bellow of that bull, that the fellow is
+          getting exceedingly wrathy.
+  Pouf! Now for a burst! Which to take the first of the turnstile
+          wings is the floorer.
+  If I breast it wrongly, though I'm going strongly, I'll expose my
+          rear to yon roarer.
+  Eugh! I fancy I feel his horns, like steel, my person viciously
+          prodding.
+  Against such points broadcloth's no protection, although padded
+          with woollen "wadding."
+  Oh, hang this bag! I shall lose the swag, if I slacken or lag one
+          second.
+  I thought I had measured my distance so well, but I fear that I
+          must have misreckoned.
+  That bull of GLADDY'S most certainly mad is, though he gave me his
+          word, the Old Slyboots,
+  It was perfectly quiet. I have SALISBURY'S fiat, but I wish he was
+          only in _my_ boots.
+  "Tithes first," indeed! Why, with all my speed, and my puffings,
+          and perspiration,
+  I doubt if I'll be in time to get through; and as for that
+          "Compensation,"
+  It is sure to stick. "_Quick_, SMITH, _man_, _quick!_" Oh, it's all
+          very well to holloa;
+  With a sack on one's back, and a bull on one's track, 'tisn't easy
+          that counsel to follow.
+  My life's hardly worth an hour's "Purchase," if I'm overtaken by
+          Taurus.
+  Such brutes didn't ought to be loose in the fields, to bore us,
+          and score us, and gore us.
+  "_Run! run!_" Oh, _ain't_ I running like winking? Reach the
+          turnstile? I may just do it
+  But with its three wings--oh, confound the things!--I much doubt
+          if I'll ever get _through_ it!
+
+    [_Left trying._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+THE attention of statisticians has lately been directed to a question
+of no little interest. To put it as shortly as possible, the point is
+to discover the number and size of the mayonnaises of lobster consumed
+in the course of one evening in the district bounded on the east by
+Berkeley Square, and extending westward as far as Earl's Court. It is
+well-known that no lobster ever walked backwards. Taking this as the
+basis of our calculations and assuming that [Greek: pi]^{n_1} is
+equal to the digestive apparatus of six hundred dowagers, we reach
+the surprising total of 932,146-1/8 lobsters. No allowance is made for
+dressing or returned empties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A Poet" writes to us as follows:--"I have long been puzzled by
+the difficulty attending the proper construction of rhymed verse in
+English. Some words possess many rhymes, others only a few, others
+again none. Yet I find that the temptation to end a line with a
+non-rhyme-possessing word like 'month' is almost irresistible, and
+frequently gives rise to the most painful results. In the course of my
+emotional ballad entitled, '_The Bard's Daughter_,' I was compelled on
+an average to kill half-a-dozen German bands every day, and to throw
+ten jam-pots at my butler for unseasonable interruptions. Can any of
+your readers help me?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A flight of ducks was observed to settle on the Serpentine yesterday
+at four o'clock exactly. They had been moving in a westerly direction.
+The Park-keepers explain this curious incident by the well-known
+affection of these birds for water, combined with an occasional
+impulse to aerial navigation, but the explanation appears to us
+inadequate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In Vienna the other day, a Cabman was observed to claim more than his
+fare from an elderly lady, whom he afterwards abused violently in the
+choicest Austrian for refusing to comply with his demands. After all,
+the nature of Cabmen all over the world varies very little. Elderly
+Ladies too, are much the same.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. STANLEY continues to attend dances, dinners and receptions at
+the usual hours. He has lately expressed himself in strong terms with
+regard to the action of a friendly Power on the continent of Africa.
+Mr. STANLEY appears to think very lightly of the Foreign Office
+pigeon-holes, in which his treaties have been stored in the meantime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
+
+_Sympathetic Spinster._ "AND IS YOUR OTHER BOY AT ALL LIKE THIS ONE?"
+
+_Proud Mother._ "OH, NO; QUITE A CONTRAST TO HIM!"
+
+_Sympathetic Spinster._ "HOW NICE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)
+
+HA! ha! I knew it, I knew it! All the grog-blossomed addle-pates in
+the world couldn't have induced me to back _Surefoot_. There they
+were cackling in their usual hugger-mugger Bedlamite, gin-palace,
+gruel-brained fashion, with Mr. J. at the head of them blowing a
+_fan-fare_ upon his own cracked penny trumpet. But I had my eye on
+them all the time. For as the public must have discovered long before
+this, if there is one person in the world who sets their interests
+above everything, and swerves neither to the right nor to the left in
+the effort to save them from the depredations of the pilfering gang
+of pig-jobbers and moon-calves who chatter on sporting matters, that
+person, I say it without offence, is _me_.
+
+What was it I said last week about _Sainfoin_? "_Sainfoin_," I said,
+"is not generally supposed to cover grass, but there are generally
+exceptions." A baby in arms could have understood this. It meant, of
+course, that _Sainfoin_ never lets the grass grow under his feet, and
+that on the exceptional occasion of the Derby Day, he would win the
+race. _And he did win the race._ We all know that; all, that is,
+except Mr. J.'s lot, who still seem to think that they know something
+about racing. But I have made my pile, and so have my readers, and
+we can afford to snap our fingers at every pudding-headed
+barnacle-grabber in the world. So much for the Derby.
+
+As for the Oaks, it would be impossible to conceive anything more
+scientifically, nay geometrically, accurate than my forecast.
+"_Memoir_," I said, "might do _pour servir_." Well, didn't she? And if
+anybody omitted to back her, all I can nay is, serve them right for
+a pack of goose-brained Bedlamites. For myself, I can only say that,
+having made a colossal fortune by my speculations, I propose shortly
+to retire from the Turf I have so long adorned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BIASSED AUTHOR.--One whose MS. is written "on one side only."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ASK A WHITE MAN!
+
+(_Highly Humorous Song. Sung with Immense Success by King M'Tesa, of
+Uganda._)
+
+"King M'TESA inquired of Mr. STANLEY what an 'Angel' was. He (Mr.
+STANLEY) had not seen an angel, but imagination was strong, and M'TESA
+was so interested in what he was told, that he slapped his thigh
+and said, 'There! if you want to hear news, or wish to hear words of
+wisdom, always ask a white man.'"--_Mr. Stanley at the Mansion House._
+
+[Illustration: "If you want to know, you know, ask a White Man."]
+
+AIR--"_Ask a Policeman!_"
+
+  THE White Men are a noble band
+    (Though TIPPOO swears they're not),
+  Their valour is tremendous, and
+    They know an awful lot,
+  If anything you'd learn, and meet
+    A White Man on the way,
+  Ask _him_. You'll find him a complete
+    En-cy-clo-pae-di-a.
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+  If you want to know, you know,
+            Ask a White Man!
+  Near Nyanza or Congo,
+            Ask a White Man!
+  In Uganda I am King,
+  Yet _I_ don't know everything.
+  If you want to know, you know,
+            Ask a White Man!
+
+  If you would learn how best to fight
+    Your way through regions queer,
+  Thread forest mazes dark as night,
+    And deserts dim and drear!
+  If you your rival's roads would shut,
+    And get his in your grip;
+  You go to him, he's artful, but
+    He'll give you the straight tip.
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+  If you'd know your way about,
+            Ask a White Man!
+  He knows every in and out
+            Does a White Man!
+  He will tell you like a shot
+            If the roads are good or not;
+  He can open up the lot,
+            Ask a White Man!
+
+  And if about the Angels you
+    Feel cu-ri-os-i-ty,
+  For information prompt and true,
+    To a White Man apply.
+  _He_ knows 'em, and, indeed, 'tis said
+    Himself is _almost_ such.
+  His "words of wisdom" on this head
+    Will interest you much.
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+  If you want to shoot and drink,
+            Ask a White Man!
+  He can help you there, I think.
+            Ask a White Man!
+  If you'll learn to grab and fight,
+            And be mutually polite,
+  And observe the laws of Right,
+            Ask a White Man!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+THEATRICAL CRITICISM.
+
+"_Mr. Ranter's Macbeth is too well known to all play-goers to need
+any special notice at our hands. Those who have not yet seen it should
+avail themselves of the present opportunity;_" _i.e._, "Can't pitch
+into old RANTER, good chap and personal friend."
+
+DIAGNOSTIC.
+
+"_I should say in your case, that the Digestion was a little upset;_"
+_i.e._, "As gross a case of over-eating as I have ever come across in
+the whole of my professional experience. You must have been feeding,
+literally, like a hog, for years!"
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_What I so like about dear Sibyl is her charming simplicity;_"
+_i.e._, "The silliest little chit conceivable."
+
+"_His conversation is always so very improving;_" _i.e._, "A pedantic
+prig, who bores you with Darwinism in the dance, and 'earnestness' at
+a tennis-party."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOPPING THE TRIPOS;
+
+_Or, Something like a Score for the Sex._
+
+    [In the Cambridge Mathematical Tripos Miss P. G. FAWCETT, of
+    Newnham, daughter of the late Professor FAWCETT, is declared
+    to be "above the Senior Wrangler."]
+
+  ABOVE the Senior Wrangler! Pheugh!
+    Where now are male reactionaries
+  Who flout the feminine, and pooh-pooh
+    Sweet Mathematic MEGS and MARIES?
+  Who says a girl is only fit
+    To be a dainty, dancing dangler?
+  Here's girlhood's prompt reply to it:
+    Miss FAWCETT tops the Senior Wrangler!
+
+  Would it not have rejoiced the heart
+    Of her stout sire, the brave Professor?
+  AGNETA RAMSAY made good start,
+    But here's a shining she-successor!
+  Many a male who failed to pass
+    Will hear it with flushed face and jaw set.
+  But _Mr. Punch_ brims high his glass,
+    And drinks your health, Miss P. G. FAWCETT!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH PLAYS.
+
+SCENE--_Her Majesty's Theatre._ _Enter_ Mr. _and_ Mrs. BROWN.
+
+_Brown_ (_to_ Boxkeeper, _with the air of a Sovereign conferring an
+Order upon a faithful subject_). There's sixpence for a programme.
+
+_Boxkeeper._ Very sorry, Sir, but it isn't a programme; it's a Book of
+the Argument, and we have to pay _that_ for it ourselves!
+
+_Brown_ (_resenting the information_). Oh, bother! Then I'll do
+without it.
+
+_Mrs. Brown_ (_annoyed_). Why didn't you get a book? You know we'll
+never understand it without one.
+
+_Brown._ Nonsense, my dear! It's a distinct advantage to trust to
+one's own resources.
+
+    [_Curtain goes up, and discovers a number of male characters,
+    who come on and go off severally._
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ What are they talking about?
+
+_Brown._ Oh, all sorts of things. (_Enter_ Mlle. DARLAUD, as Lydie
+Vaillant.) Ah! you see this is the heroine.
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Is it? (_Examining her through opera-glass._) Very
+simple frock. I think I shall have one like it.
+
+_Brown_ (_dreading a dress-maker invasion_). Oh, it wouldn't suit you
+at all. You always look better in silks and satins.
+
+    [_Entr'acte over._ _Second Act_, Madame PASCA appears, _and is
+    admirable_.
+
+_Mrs. Brown_ (_deeply interested_). CHARLEY, dear, she's wearing
+Russian net, and you know you can get it at----
+
+_Brown_ (_hurriedly_). Hush, you are disturbing everybody.
+
+_Mrs. Brown_ (_at end of Second Act_). What was it all about?
+
+_Brown._ Oh, didn't you see. It was a castle, and a number of tourists
+were shown round the pictures by an old servant. Excellent!
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ I do so wish you would get a book.
+
+_Brown._ Oh, we can do without it now--the piece is nearly over.
+
+    [_Third Act is played, and Curtain falls._
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Well, what was _that_ about?
+
+_Brown._ Oh, didn't you see they had breakfast--and with tea too, not
+with wine. Very strange how English customs are spreading.
+
+    [_Tableau I. of Act III. is played. Considerable applause._
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ I don't quite understand _that_.
+
+_Brown._ You don't! Why, it's as simple as possible. _Paul Astier_
+arrived late, and dressed for dinner. Excellent!
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ But what's the plot?
+
+_Brown._ Oh, _that's_ of secondary importance--the piece is a clever
+skit upon modern manners! (_Tableau II. is played._) Capital! Wasn't
+MADAME PASCA good when she wanted a glass of water?
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Quite too perfect! And her velvet and satin gown was
+absolutely lovely! (_With determination._) I shall get one like it!
+
+_Brown_ (_alarmed_). I am not so sure! You look better in muslins.
+
+    [_Last Act is played, and_ Paul Astier _is shot dead_.
+
+_Mrs. Brown_ (_much affected_). Oh! what did they do _that_ for?
+
+_Brown._ Don't you see--the reward of life. Hence the title.
+(_Subsequently in the cab._) Wasn't it good? Didn't you enjoy
+yourself?
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Very much indeed, but I _do_ wish you had got a book!
+(_To herself._) Let me see--green velvet over white satin. (_Aloud._)
+It will take about eighteen yards!
+
+_Brown_ (_waking up_). Eighteen yards of what?
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ Oh, nothing! I was only thinking.
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon a mental vision of the dress-maker from
+    opposite points of view._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ALLOWED TO STARVE."--To save time, contributions to the Balaclava
+Fund should be forwarded direct to the Editor of _The St. James's
+Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
+
+[Illustration: _Poor little Zelie (beseechingly)._ O Mr. Randegger,
+_do_ let me have my bouquets!]
+
+_Monday._--_Don Giovanni._ RAVELLI the Reliable an excellent _Don
+Ottavio_, vocally; considered dramatically, he does as much as can be
+expected of a man of his inches. _Zerlina_ and _Masetto_ so pleased
+with his singing that they stop on the stage all through the _tessoro_
+song, for which he takes a hearty _encore_, whereupon _Zerlina_ and
+_Mazetto_ run off quickly. Having had enough of it, however, they do
+not return for the _encore_. Rather rude this. DAN DRADY too sinister
+for gay _Don Giovanni_; and there is a villanous determination
+about his gallantry which would have frightened away the coquettish
+_Zerlina_, and have warned the more mature ladies of the world, _Donna
+Anna_ and _Donna Elvira_, in time to prevent them from falling victims
+to his wiles. Otherwise a highly satisfactory _Don_. Signor PLUNKETTO
+GREENO as the unfortunate _Commendatore_, who is first killed, and
+then executed in stone, as a statue to his own memory, was heard and
+seen to the best advantage. ZELIE DE LUSSAN, too Carmenish as flighty
+little _Zerlina_, but evidently a match for the sardonic Don DAN
+DRADY. Madame TAVARY has done well to quit the Hofoperahaus, Munich,
+and come to Covengardenhaus as _Donna Anna_,--a trying part that not
+_Anna_-body can play and sing as well as Madame TAVARY. This lady
+and LILIAN NORDICA (pretty name LILIAN) as _Donna Elvira_ render the
+characters so charmingly, that they cease to be the funereal bores I
+have generally considered them. _Ottavio_, _Anna_, and _Elvira_, the
+trio with a grievance, are, usually, about as cheerful as the three
+Anabaptists in _Le Prophete. Mais on a change tout cela_. PALLADINO,
+as the dancing guest--she is always small and early in every Opera
+now--delights everyone, and so does Conductor RANDEGGER, who is
+determined that poor little ZELIE DE LUSSAN shall not receive the big
+bouquets which a mysterious man has brought to the orchestra; then one
+of the instrumentalists handed them to the leader, who, in order
+to take them, has been compelled to put down his violin, and, after
+looking about in a helpless and puzzled manner, holds them until
+further orders from his chief. Not receiving further orders, he
+occupies his time by sniffing at the flowers and making remarks _sotto
+voce_ to his companion violinist on the botanical beauties of the
+_flora_. Conductor RANDEGGER, apparently unaware of what has been
+taking place behind his back, turns round abruptly to inquire why
+leader is taking a few bars' rest. Leading violinist exhibits bouquet,
+and appeals in dumb show to conductor. The conductor's eye in fine
+frenzy rolling, says as clearly as fine frenzied rolling eye can say
+anything, "Remove that bauble!"--(RANDEGGER would make up remarkably
+well as _Cromwell_)--and the leader, with a sympathetic and apologetic
+glance at ZELIE as implying, "You should have had 'em if _I_ could
+have managed it, but you see how I'm situated. RANDEGGER'S a hard
+man"--puts the bouquets on the floor of the orchestra, and, dismissing
+them by a supreme effort from his thoughts, betakes himself to his
+musical Paganinic duties. What becomes of the flowers that bloom in
+the orchestra, _tra la!_ I don't know, I wish that ZELIE may get them.
+Remembering the example set by "Practical JOHN" at the Gaiety, of
+placarding up everywhere in the theatre "No Fees," DRURIOLANUS, at
+the suggestion of Conductor RANDEGGER, might "hang out a banner on
+the outer wall" of the orchestra, with the letters inscribed on it
+"N.B.--No Bouquets."
+
+_Tuesday._--The grandest night of the Season up to now, dear boys.
+_Romeo_ JEAN DE RESZKE, and MELBA _Juliette_. What can you wish for
+more? EDOUARD DE RESZKE as the _Frere Laurent_ a magnificent Friar,
+belonging to some one of the theatrical "Orders" "not admitted
+after seven." The talented Mlle. BAUERMEISTER'S _Gertrude_ hardly a
+companion picture to her _Martha_ in _Faust_. Signor PLUNKETTO GREENO
+not quite every inch a Duke: about one inch in three Duke and the rest
+Democrat. When he has been _Duke of Verona_ long enough, he'll be all
+right, and most likely
+
+  He'll be, this Mister PLUNKET GREENE,
+  The Dukiest Duke that ever was seen.
+
+A word to the wise. Whenever this Season _Romeo and Juliette_ is
+played with this cast, go and see it. Don't hesitate. It's memorable.
+A feast for ear and eye. _Ite ad astra-operatica._ And at the same
+time, don't forget to honourably mention the founder of the feast,
+AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS.
+
+_Wednesday._--Extra. _Carmen._ Derby Day. I have been at the Derby.
+Glad to get back again. As to "back again," I don't "back again"
+anything for a long time. But, _a nos moutons_. _Toreador_ evidently
+has had his money on _Sainfoin_. Never sang better. Glad to see
+the simple Scotch lassie, MAGGIE MCINTYRE, once more as the village
+maiden. Charming. ZELIE DE LUSSAN as wickedly attractive as ever.
+What a collection such a gipsy would make on a Derby Day--a fine Derby
+Day--among the "pretty gentlemen" whose fortunes she would tell. Extra
+night this, and extra good.
+
+_Thursday._--A WAGNER Night. Crowded to see JEAN DE RESZKE as another
+Wagner Knight. NEDDIE DE RESZKE as the _King Henry_--every inch a
+King, and something to spare. Freddy Telramondo suits DAN DRADY
+better than _Don Giovanni_. Madame FURSCH-MADI as the wicked
+_Ortruda_,--("Never saw ought ruder than her conduct to Elsa,"
+observes the irrepressible Mr. WAGSTAFF,)--And MAGGIE MACINTYRE as the
+virtuous but unhappy _Elsa_. The stranger in the land of WAGNER begins
+to wonder at the continuous flow of the melody, not one tiny cupful
+of which can he take away with him, until with joy he hears the Bridal
+Chorus at the commencement of the Third Act, and for a few moments he
+rests _dans un pays de connaissance_.
+
+_Friday._--_Lucia di Lammermoor._ Great night for Madame MELBA.
+Recalled three times before Curtain after each Act. Living
+illustration of once popular romance, "_Called Back_." Great night,
+too, for Harpist and Flutist. Both gentlemen highly applauded, and
+would have been recalled, but for the fact of their not having quitted
+the orchestra. Harper plays solo from _Harper's Miscellany_, arranged
+by DONIZETTI. RAVELLI the Reliable recalled also.
+
+_Saturday._--Brilliant house. Royal Highnesses early to come and last
+to go. Magnificent performance of _Die Meistersinger_. M. ISNARDON
+very comic as _Beckmesser_, LASSALLE a noble Hans Sachs ("the
+shoemaker who sings a sole-o," says Mr. WAGSTAFF), JEAN DE RESZKE a
+grand young _Walther_, MONTARIOL (as before) a capital silly idiot
+_David_, Mlle. BAUERMEISTERSINGER very lively as _Magdalena_, and
+Madame TAVARY a skittish young chit in the somewhat trying and rather
+thankless part of _Eva_. The tenor's song to her ought to be, "EVA, of
+thee I'm fondly dreaming," if WAGNER had only thought of it. Opera too
+long; but Wagnerites don't complain, and certainly to-night they get
+their money's worth and something over, from 7.30 till past midnight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SWEET THING IN CRITICISM.
+
+CARDINAL MANNING, apparently having been invited by its author to
+express an opinion upon Mr. WM. O'BRIEN'S "_When we were Boys_,"
+writes:--"When I got to the end, I forgot the book, and would only
+think of Ireland--its manifest sufferings, and its inextricable
+sorrows." His Eminence then continues:--"I hope to see the day break,
+and I hope you will see the noontide, when the people of Ireland will
+be readmitted, so far as is possible, to the possession of their own
+soil, and shall be admitted, so far as is possible, to the making and
+administration of their own local laws, while they shall still share
+in the legislation which governs and consolidates the Empire. Then
+_Ken_ and _Mabel_ shall be no more parted."
+
+No doubt this excellent critique will be followed by the publication
+of letters somewhat similar to the following:--
+
+    DEAR MR. APPLES,--I promised to write to you after I had used
+    your Soap. When I had finished washing my hands, I forgot
+    everything but gallant little Wales. I hope to see the
+    morning, and trust you will see the evening, of that time when
+    the bold sun of freedom will shine over a land true to itself,
+    as far as possible, and rejoicing in the name of the country
+    without stain. Then will we all say, "Good afternoon,"
+    followed by the customary inquiry. Believe me,
+
+  Always yours very faithfully,        W. E. GL-DST-NE.
+
+Should this mode of criticism be extended, the benefit to those who
+have to review without knowing what to say will be obvious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Heading of an Old Epitaph.
+
+    "A remarkable coincidence has attended the drawings of two of
+    the principal Club Derby Sweepstakes. As we stated yesterday,
+    the Garrick Club Sweepstakes, of the value of L300, has fallen
+    to Mr. HENRY IRVING. We now learn that Mr. TOOLE benefits to
+    the extent of L75 out of the Sweepstakes of the Devonshire
+    Club."--_Daily News._
+
+LOVELY in Life, they were Both There when the Sweepstakes were
+Divided.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SEVERE SENTENCE.
+
+_She._ "YES, DEAR, I'M AFRAID COOK WANTS JUDGMENT." _He._ "_JUDGMENT!_
+SHE WANTS _EXECUTION!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THREE FISHERS."
+
+  THREE fishers went fishing North-east and North-west
+    (Like the trio from Kingsley familiarly known).
+  Each thought himself, doubtless, the bravest and best,
+    And held the good "swims" should be mainly his own.
+  There was JOHNNY the Briton, and FRANCOIS the Frank,
+  And JONATHAN also, the artful young Yank,
+    An expert at "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  And FRANCOIS the Frank, who went fishing for cod,
+    Nicked lobsters as well, and he stuck to them too;
+  He declared they were all the same thing, which seemed odd,
+    The result being anger and hullaballoo,
+  And rows about Bounties, and shines about Bait;
+  For ructions all round are as certain as fate,
+    When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  And JONATHAN, well, _he_ went fishing for seals,
+    And he wanted the fishing grounds all to himself.
+  When the Russ had done ditto, the Yank had raised squeals
+    (How consistency's floored in the struggle for pelf!)
+  And JONATHAN took a most high-handed course;
+  For greediness mostly falls back on brute force,
+    When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  And JOHNNY the Briton, a sturdy old salt,
+    Had been a sea-grabber himself in his time;
+  Some held that monopoly still was his fault,
+    Others swore that his modesty verged upon crime,
+  Nor is it quite easy to say which was true,
+  For so much depends on a man's point of view,
+    When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  But when JOHNNY the Briton caught sight of the Frank
+    Making tracks with a lobster--the whoppingest one--
+  And when he perceived the impertinent Yank
+    With the seal--such a spanker!--skedaddling like fun,
+  He stood and he shouted, "Stop thief! Hi! Hold hard!"
+  For language does not always "go by the card,"
+    When parties go "bouncing" and "boning."
+
+  "Now then, you sea-grabbers," he bellowed, "Belay!
+    I suppose you imagine I'm out of it quite.
+  But you're not going to have it just all your own way.
+    Fair dues! my dear boys. After all, right is right!
+  Big Behring is no _mare clausum_, young Yank,
+  And cold Newfoundland is not _yours_, my fine Frank,
+    In spite of your 'bouncing' and 'boning.'"
+
+  Well, he of the Lobster and he of the Seal
+    Have rights of their own, which old JOHN won't deny.
+  But _he_ has some too, and _Punch_ hopes they will feel
+    That they should not grab his, and had better not try.
+  Some _modus vivendi_ no doubt can be found,
+  To make the Three Fishers quite friendly all round,
+    And good-bye to all "bouncing" and "boning!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELCHO ANSWERS.
+
+  _Q._ What loves "The Country" more than Tithes Bills tracing?
+  _A._                                        Racing!
+  _Q._ And what than "Compensation's" doubtful courses?
+  _A._                                        'Orses!
+  _Q._ Than Bills of Irish Tenants poor to favour rights?
+  _A._                                        Favourites!
+  _Q._ What does it find as profitless as St. Stephens?
+  _A._                                        "Evens!"
+  _Q._ What more exciting than "The Pouncer's" nods?
+  _A._                                        "Odds!"
+  _Q._ What does it love far more than LABBY'S jokes?
+  _A._                                        "Oaks!"
+  _Q._ And what beyond all ELCHO'S quirks and quips?
+  _A._                                        "Tips!"
+  _Q._ What would it call him who of "Sport" turns squelcher?
+  _A._                                        "Welsher!!!"
+  _Q._ Who finds the "Derby" closing satisfactory?
+  _A._                                        Hack Tory!
+  _Q._ What's the protesting Puritan Gladstonian?
+  _A._                                        "Stony 'un!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GERMAN MOTTO IN AFRICA.--"_For Farther Land!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THREE FISHERS."
+
+JOHN BULL. "HULLO! YOU SEA-GRABBERS!--WHERE DO _I_ COME IN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. XIII.--THE PRECOCIOUS UNDERGRADUATE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+EVER since undergraduates existed at all, there must have been some
+who, in the precocity of their hearts, set themselves up or were
+set up by the admiration of their fellows as patterns of life, and
+knowledge, and manners. But before steam and electricity made Oxford
+and Cambridge into suburbs of London, these little deities were
+scarcely heard of outside the limits of their particular University,
+the sphere of their influence was restricted, and they were unable to
+impress the crowd of their juvenile worshippers by the glamour which
+comes of frequent plunges into the dizzy whirlpool of London life.
+Now, however, all that is changed. Our seats of learning are within
+a stone's throw of town, and the callow nestlings who yesterday
+fluttered feebly over King's Parade or the High, may to-day attempt
+a bolder flight in Piccadilly and the Park. The simpler pleasures of
+Courts and Quads soon pall upon one who believes emphatically, that
+life has no further secrets when the age of twenty has been reached,
+and that an ingenuous modesty is incompatible with the exercise of
+manliness. He despises the poor fools who are content to be merely
+young while youth remains. He himself, has sought for and found in
+London a fountain of age, from which he may quaff deep draughts, and
+returning, impart his experience to his envious friends.
+
+The Precocious Undergraduate, then, was (and is, for the type remains,
+though the individual may perish) one who attempted in his own opinion
+with perfect success, to combine an unerring knowledge of men with a
+smooth cheek and a brow as unwrinkled as late hours could leave it.
+In the sandy soil of immaturity he was fain to plant a flourishing
+reputation for cunning, and to water it with the tears of those
+who being responsible for his appearance in the world dreaded his
+premature affectation of its wisdom and its follies.
+
+They had given him, however, as befitted careful parents, every chance
+of acquiring an excellent education. In order that he might afterwards
+shine at the Bar or in the Senate, he was sent to one of our larger
+public schools, where he soon found that with a very small life-belt
+of Latin and Greek a boy may keep his head safe above the ripple of a
+master's anger. But his school career was not without honour. He was a
+boy of a frank and generous temperament, candid with his masters, and
+warm-hearted and sincere in his intercourse with his school-fellows.
+He was by no means slow with his wits, he was very quick with his eye
+and his limbs. Thus it came about that, although his scholarship was
+not calculated to make of him a Porson, he earned the admiration
+and applause of boys and masters by his triumphs as an athlete, a
+cricketer, and a foot-ball player, and was established as a universal
+favourite. At the usual age he left school and betook himself to
+college, freighted for this new voyage with the affection and the
+hopes of all who knew him.
+
+And now when everything smiled, and when in the glow of his first
+independence life assumed its brightest hues, in the midst of apparent
+success his real failures began. The sudden emancipation from the
+easy servitude of school was too much for him. The rush of his new
+existence swept him off his feet, and, yielding to the current, he
+was carried day by day more rapidly out to the sea of debt and
+dissipation, which in the end overwhelmed him. For a time, however,
+everything went well with him. His school and his reputation as a
+popular athlete assured to him a number of friends, he was elected a
+member of one or two prominent Clubs, he got into a good set. In their
+society he learnt that an undergraduate's tastes and his expenditure
+ought never to be limited by the amount of the yearly allowance he
+receives from his father. Whilst still in his freshman's Term, he was
+invited to a little card-party, at which he lost not only his head,
+but also all his ready money, and the greater part of the amount which
+had been placed to his credit at his Bank for the expenses of his
+first Term. This incident was naturally much discussed by the society
+in which he moved, and it was agreed that, for a freshman, he had
+shown considerable coolness in bearing up against his losses. Even
+amongst those who did not know him, his name began to be mentioned
+as that of one who was evidently destined to make a splash, and might
+some day be heard of in the larger world. His vanity was tickled.
+This, he thought to himself, not without pleasure, was indeed
+life, and thinking thus, he condemned all his past years, and the
+aspirations with which he had entered his University, as the folly
+of a boy. Soon afterwards he was found at a race-meeting, and was
+unfortunate enough to win a large sum of money from a book-maker who
+paid him.
+
+The next incident in his first Term was his attendance as a guest at
+a big dinner, where the unwonted excitement and a bumper or two of
+University champagne upset his balance. He grew boisterous, and on
+his way home to his rooms addressed disrespectfully the Dean of his
+College, who happened to be taking the air on the College grass-plot.
+He woke, the next morning, to find himself parched and pale, but
+famous. "Did you hear what So-and-So, the freshman, said to the Dean
+last night? Frightful cheek!"--so one undergraduate would speak of him
+to another, with a touch of envy which was not diminished by the fact
+that his hero had been gated at nine for a week.
+
+But it is useless to pursue his career through every detail. He went
+on gambling, and soon found himself the debtor or the creditor of
+those whom he still attempted to look upon as his friends. He bought
+several thousand large cigars at L10 per hundred from a touting
+tobacconist, who promised him unlimited credit, and charged him a high
+rate of per-centage on the debt. He became constant in his visits to
+London, and, after a course of dinners at the Bristol, the Berkeley,
+and the Cafe Royal, he acquired, at Cambridge, the reputation of a
+connoisseur in cooking and in wine. The Gaiety was his abiding-place,
+the lounge at the Empire would have been incomplete without him: for
+him Lais added a rosy glow to her complexion and a golden shimmer to
+her hair; he supped in her company, and, when he gave her a diamond
+swallow, purchased without immediate payment in Bond Street, the
+paragraphist of a sporting paper recorded the gift in his columns with
+many cynical comments. In short, he now knew himself to be indeed a
+man of the world. Henceforward he seemed to spend almost as much
+time in London as in Cambridge. It is unnecessary to add that his
+legitimate resources soon ran dry; he supplied their deficiency from
+the generous fountain of a money-lender's benevolence. After all,
+eight per cent. per month sounds quite cheap until it is multiplied by
+twelve, and, as he always disliked arithmetic, he abstained from the
+calculation, and pocketed the loan. And thus, for a time, the wheel
+of excitement was kept spinning merrily. But the pace was too fast to
+last for long. Somehow or other, soon after the beginning of his third
+year, his happy gaiety which had carried him cheerfully through many
+scenes of revelry seemed to desert him. He became subject to fits of
+morose abstraction. His dress was no longer of the same shining merit,
+nor did he seem to care, as formerly, to keep his cuffs and collars
+unspotted from the world. Disagreeable rumours began to be whispered
+about him. He was said to have failed to pay his card-debts, and
+yet to have gone on gambling night after night; and at last came the
+terrible report--all the more terrible for not being fully understood
+by those who heard it--that he had been posted at Tattersall's.
+
+Undergraduate Society is, however, of an extraordinary tolerance, and
+if it had not been for his own manifest misery, he might have kept
+his head up in Cambridge even under these calamities. But he began too
+late to realise his own folly, and with the memory of his triumphs and
+his collapse, of his extravagance and his debts clogging his efforts,
+he tried to read. He did read, feverishly, uselessly, and when his
+list appeared his name was absent from it. Then followed the fatal
+interview with his father, and the inevitable crash, in the course of
+which he became the defendant in a celebrated case on the subject of
+an infant's necessaries. An occupation was sought for him, but all
+capacity for honest effort seemed to have perished with his frankness
+and his cheerfulness. After creeping about London in a hang-dog
+fashion for a year or two, he eventually decided to tempt misfortune
+in the Western States of America. For a time he "ranched" without
+success, and was heard of as a frequenter of saloons. A year later he
+died ignobly by the revolver of a Western rowdy, in the course of a
+drunken brawl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL FORECASTS.--Mr. PADDY REWSKI will play variations on his
+own national Melodies, including the _Gigue Irlandaise_, entitled,
+"_Donnybrook Fair_."--Mr. CHARLES REDDIE'S Pianoforte Recital is
+fixed for the 17th. It is not placarded about the town, as the clever
+pianist says, he's perfectly REDDIE, but he's not WILLING.--Mr. JOSEF
+DASH-MY-LUD-WIG is going to give a Second Chamber Concert on behalf
+of the Funds of the Second Chambermaid Theatrical Aid Society.--Mr.
+CUSINS' Concert is on the 12th. Uncles and Aunts please accept this
+intimation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXPERIMENTS BY THE GRAND OLD HYPNOTISER AT ST.
+STEPHEN'S.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HARMLESS GHOST.
+
+    [A Gentleman advertises for an old house, and says, "Harmless
+    Ghost not objected to."]
+
+_A Spectre speaks_:--
+
+  TELL us, good Sir, what is a Harmless Ghost?
+    One who walks quietly at dead of night,
+  For just a single hour or so at most,
+    And never gives folks what is termed a fright?
+  Is it a Ghost that never clanks his chains,
+    That never gibbers, and that bangs no door:
+  But quietly and peacefully remains
+    In calm possession of some upper floor?
+
+  A Harmless Ghost is not a Ghost at all,
+    Unworthy of the name; no Headless Man,
+  Or other spectre that could men appal,
+    Would condescend to live 'neath such a ban.
+  No phantom with a grain of self-respect
+    Would make a promise never to do harm.
+  Find your old house, but please to recollect,
+    A Ghost who knows his business _must_ alarm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE MASQUERADING.
+
+  DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+WITH reference to the several cases of "Masquerading" that have
+recently been mentioned in the columns of a contemporary, I wish to
+add a remarkable experience of our own firm, that, if it does not
+completely clear the matter up, may at least serve to throw a little
+light upon the subject. Last Friday afternoon a middle-aged man of
+unmistakable City build dashed wildly into our establishment, and
+desired to be supplied with "the largest pantomime head" with which we
+could furnish him. This we fortunately had in stock in the shape of a
+large green and phosphorescent faced representation of the "Demon of
+Despair," which was rendered additionally attractive through being
+supplied with a "trick eye," which worked with a string.
+
+It was evidently of the greatest importance to him that the head
+should be natural and becoming, and by the close and satisfied
+scrutiny he gave it, and the great care with which he fitted it
+on, the one with which we supplied him evidently fully answered his
+requirements. His manner was certainly strange, for though he refused
+to give his address, he took several flying leaps across the shop,
+turning a double back somersault as he cleared the counter, and
+finally asked me whether I thought him sufficiently disguised to avoid
+recognition in his own immediate circle?
+
+I told him candidly that I thought his large head, being peculiar,
+might possibly draw upon him notice that otherwise he would fail to
+arouse, and I added, "You see, it is not as if there were a dozen of
+you."
+
+"True," he replied; "you're quite right. There ought to be a dozen of
+us. Look out the heads. I will go and fetch 'em." And he dashed out of
+my establishment, followed by a small crowd. In about two hours and
+a half, however, he returned, accompanied by twelve other middle-aged
+City men, and in almost as short a time as it takes me to tell it, I
+had fitted them all with large pantomime heads.
+
+He paid the bill and left the shop. I watched them all get on to a
+King's Cross and Brompton Omnibus, and that was the last I saw of
+them. There is nothing very remarkable in the occurrence, as we are
+in the habit of making up disguises, sometimes as many as 500 in an
+afternoon on the shortest notice. Still I could not help wondering
+upon what business my eccentric friend was bent. A Divorce Case?
+Possibly a Murder? Who knows? Perhaps somebody may have met the bevy
+down West, and can throw some light upon the subject. Meantime, dear
+_Mr. Punch_, I beg to subscribe myself,
+
+  Yours respectfully,
+  A SLY FOX BUT A CAUTIOUS COSTUMIER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SHORT NOTICE."--Those who did not hear Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH'S
+entertainment at St. James's Hall last Saturday week lost a very great
+treat. There must have been thousands in London at the moment who
+suffered this deprivation. Our Special Noticer was among the number.
+Let us hope GEE-GEE will do it again, and all shall be forgiven.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TOMMY'S "'ARRIET" DEPARTMENT.
+
+_A Group omitted from the Military Exhibition._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 2._--Heligoland is safe, but
+there were some anxious moments. GEORGE CAMPBELL led attack. House
+reassembled after Whitsun recess. Not many present. OLD MORALITY still
+sporting in the country, toying with Amaryllis in the shade, or with
+tangles of Neaera's hair. (That's how the Member for Sark puts it,
+but admits that it's only poetry.) Mr. G. away too, also GRANDOLPH and
+HARTINGTON. JOKIM in charge of Government ship; evidently in mildest
+mood; didn't once pounce, though sorely tempted by all-pervadingness
+of CAMPBELL. That eminent Statesman only began with Heligoland;
+steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of salary of
+Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland given up.
+
+"Certainly not," said NICHOLAS WOOD; "must take firm stand with these
+Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is
+situated. Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall
+support BALFOUR."
+
+Whilst NICHOLAS off in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland,
+SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE backs up CAMPBELL. Knows Heligoland
+intimately. Seems to have passed best period of useful life there.
+Members quite prepared to hear that there it was the famous letter
+from Foreign Office found him when, by way of reproof of niggardliness
+of Department, he was obeying instructions that transferred him from
+Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligoland
+_en route_, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules,
+whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing
+a scion of the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor.
+"Hand it over to Germany, in exchange, if you please, for few pounds
+of sausages; but get rid of it."
+
+NICHOLAS, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of
+Ireland, lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows,
+TOBY," he says; "we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed;
+don't quite follow argument. Rather wonder ARTHUR BALFOUR isn't in
+his place to explain it; at same time, haven't slightest doubt it's
+another Mitchelstown affair--another Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall
+watch to see which Lobby our Whips are filling, and march straight
+into it."
+
+Thus Heligoland was saved, NICHOLAS and 149 others voting against
+CAMPBELL, who led into the Lobby only 27 patriots. After this, that
+man of war, JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON, came to the front,
+and led Opposition in matter relating to Sierra Leone. GEORGE CAMPBELL
+made several speeches on this topic, and when Amendment negatived,
+came up quite fresh with his story of the Pacific Seas, where it seems
+there have been excursions, followed by alarums, all converging on
+urgent necessity of reducing the salary of the Deputy Commissioner
+of the Western Pacific by L200. This also negatived after couple of
+hours' discussion. Then GEORGE, stepping lightly from Western Pacific
+to the Cape, moved to reduce salary of High Commissioner of South
+Africa by L1000.
+
+"A regular peripatetic seven-leagued-boot mowing-machine," said
+JACKSON, gazing dreamily on mobile features of Member for Kircaldy.
+Business done.--In Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday._--Question is, shall House adjourn over to-morrow, being
+Derby Day, or shall it forbear? ELCHO says, "Yes." WILFRID LAWSON
+says, "No." House, upon consideration, agrees with ELCHO, though by
+significantly small majority. For holiday, 160; against, 133. COGHILL,
+who had vainly protested against adjournment, says majority not so
+wide as a church door, but 'twill serve. It's the writing on the wall,
+and the Derby holiday in the Commons doomed. COGHILL serious young
+man; likes things to be doomed; encouraged by the prospect, becomes
+dangerously festive.
+
+Member who moves Adjournment over Derby Day expected to be funny. PAM,
+who, when he was Minister, always did it, established fashion. Been
+followed in later days by DICK POWER, and other eminent sportsmen.
+ELCHO displayed paternal failing for undue length, but just managed
+to stop in time, not spoiling success of speech that greatly pleased
+House. Curious to note points of personal resemblance between the
+new Lord ELCHO and the old. Son, doubtless designedly, delivered his
+speech from corner-seat on front Bench below Gangway, whence, in days
+of yore, the father used to hold forth, almost literally buttonholing
+House of Commons; holding on to it in much same way as _Ancient
+Mariner_ delayed the hungry wedding guest.
+
+"Happy," says the Member for Sark, "is the Legislature that can spare
+an ELCHO for either Chamber! Favoured the generation that succeeds
+to such an inheritance! With WEMYSS in the Lords, and ELCHO in the
+Commons, there is still hope for my country!"
+
+[Illustration: A Serious Young Man.]
+
+Talk about Police Regulation for Procession on Saturday to demonstrate
+against Compensation Bill. Citizen PICKERSGILL moved adjournment
+of House in order to discuss matter. CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM seized
+opportunity to run amuck at his revered Leaders on Front Opposition
+Bench. Accused them of sitting there like stuffed figures at Madame
+Tussaud's. "Why stuffed?" JOHN MOBLEY asked, but CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM
+not to be interrupted in flush of eloquence. When once started went
+at them hammer and tongs; only a few battered figures recognisable on
+Front Bench when he had finished.
+
+"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "BRADLAUGH'S got his eye on that Bench.
+Means to sit there some day. Want him to know that even that sanctuary
+shall not preserve him from my wrath. Just getting my hand in.
+He'll be sorry he ever ventured to bite his thumb at me." _Business
+done._--Education Vote in Committee.
+
+_Thursday._--Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL moves Second Reading of his Bill. A
+very inoffensive measure, he says; not proposed to sanction creation
+of Tunnel under the sea. Oh, dear no! Nothing of that kind. All
+that is wanted is that the Company shall be permitted to keep their
+machinery oiled, bore for coal, and fill up spare time by fishing for
+whitebait with line. Could there be any harm in that? CHUNNEL-TANNEL
+asked, with hand outstretched with deprecating gesture towards
+Treasury Bench, on which the long length of HICKS BEACH was coiled.
+
+[Illustration: Citizen Pickersgill.]
+
+Mr. G. backed up his noble friend; ridiculed idea of danger to England
+from creation of Tunnel. If anybody had need for apprehension, it was
+France--a fine, subtly patriotic idea, which did not meet with that
+measure of applause on Conservative Benches that might have been
+expected. Fact is, Conservatives don't like this newly established
+friendliness between Mr. G. and CHUNNEL-TANNEL. Noble Lord not so
+certain to respond to crack of Ministerial Whip as was his wont
+before he yielded to the spell. Stout Ministerialists thinking more
+of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S attitude on Irish Question than of probability of
+French invasion by proposed Tunnel; so they lustily cheer HICKS-BEACH
+when he denounces scheme. Cry, "Oh! oh!" when CHUNNEL-TANNEL makes
+crafty appeal for support of Irish Members, and go out in body to stop
+up the Tunnel.
+
+J. S. FORBES watches scene from Strangers' Gallery. Lost in admiration
+of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S meek mood.
+
+"Why, TOBY," he said, in his perturbation brushing his new
+curly-brimmed hat the wrong way, "he looks as if butter wouldn't
+melt in his mouth. His low voice, his deferential manner, his pained
+surprise at suggestion of wanting to do anything else but catch
+those whitebait with a line, take one's breath away. A wonderful man
+CHUNNEL-TANNEL, but dangerous on this tack. Known him and fought him
+man and boy for twenty years; fear him most when in melting mood."
+_Business done._--Discussing Tithes Bill.
+
+_Friday._--Met HART DYKE walking about Corridor with contemplative
+air. Debate on Education Vote going forward in House. "How is it you
+aren't on Treasury Bench?" I asked.
+
+"Can't stand any more of it, TOBY. My hair positively beginning to
+frizzle under heat of blushes. Never suspected myself of being
+such Heavenborn Education Minister. But they all say it--MUNDELLA,
+PLAYFAIR, LUBBOCK, and even SAM SMITH. CRANBORNE and TALBOT not quite
+so sure; but on other side one chorus of approval. Bore it pretty well
+for hour or so; but at end of that time grows embarrassing. Just came
+out for little walk; look in again presently."
+
+On Report of Supply, GEORGE CAMPBELL strolled in from the Pacific;
+proposed to call attention to mission of Sir LINTON SIMMONS to the
+POPE. No Vote connected therewith happens to be in Estimates; so
+SPEAKER ruled him out of Order.
+
+[Illustration: Minister of Education.]
+
+"Oh, very well," said GEORGE; "that's out of order is it? Well, let
+me see, there's Japan;" and he talked for thirty-five minutes about
+Japan.
+
+_Business done._--Education Vote agreed to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHOOL BOARD BEFORE THE END OF THE CENTURY.
+
+(_A Prophecy of the Near Future._)
+
+THE children had left the school, and the pianos were closed for the
+night. The Senior Wranglers who had been conducting the lessons were
+divesting themselves of their academical robes, and preparing to
+quit the premises to return to their palatial homes, the outcome of a
+portion of their princely salaries. In couples they disappeared until
+only one was left--he was older than his colleagues, and consequently
+slower in his movements. As he was about to summon his carriage a
+wild-looking individual suddenly appeared before him, and, sinking in
+a chair, appealed to him with a gesture that, fraught with weakness,
+was yet defiant.
+
+"What do you want with me, my good man?" asked the Senior Wrangler,
+who had a kindly nature.
+
+"What have you done with my sons?" gasped the visitor.
+
+"No doubt, if they were intended for crossing-sweepers, we have
+instructed them in the rudiments of classical dancing, and if you
+purposed bringing them up as errand-boys, it is highly probable that
+we have taught them how to play upon the harpsichord."
+
+"That's how it is!" cried the other. "They _have_ been taught how to
+play on the harpsichord; and, as the instrument is obsolete, I ask
+you, Sir, how are they to get their living?"
+
+"That is no affair of mine, my good fellow," returned the Senior
+Wrangler, dryly. "It is my duty to teach the child, and not to answer
+the questions of the parent."
+
+"And the rates are doubled!" cried the Board Scholar's father,
+wringing his hands in despair, "and I am ruined!" The Senior Wrangler
+was growing impatient. He had to dine at the Club, and go to the
+Opera. "Well, what do you want with me?" he asked.
+
+"Employment!" cried the other, in an agony of woe. "Give me
+employment. I have been ruined by the rates; let the rates support
+me--give me employment!"
+
+The Senior Wrangler considered for a moment; then he spoke--
+
+"Do you think, my friend, that you could look after our highest
+class?" The man shook his head.
+
+"I am afraid not, Sir. My education was neglected. Beyond reading,
+writing, and arithmetic, I know next to nothing."
+
+"That will not be an objection," returned the Senior Wrangler, as he
+put a gardenia in his button-hole. "Our highest class is composed of
+our oldest pupils, and as they all suffer from over-pressure, your
+duties will be simply those of an attendant in an asylum for the care
+of the imbecile!" And the Ruined Ratepayer was entirely satisfied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 281: MAGGIE MCINTYRE, _Wednesday_ becomes MAGGIE MACINTYRE on
+_Thursday._
+
+    Both have been retained, as the transcriber does not know which
+is correct, or if the two were interchangeable.
+
+Page 287: 'posesssion' corrected to 'possession':
+          "In calm possession of some upper floor".
+
+In this etext a carat denotes a superscript follows.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+98, June 14 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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