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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+May 31, 1890, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, May 31, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: July 28, 2010 [EBook #33281]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Fraser and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 98, MAY 31ST 1890
+
+edited by Sir Francis Burnand
+
+
+
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+IN THE MALL ON DRAWING-ROOM DAY.
+
+    _The line of carriages bound for Buckingham Palace is moving
+    by slow stages down the Drive. A curious but not uncritical
+    crowd, consisting largely of females, peer into the carriages
+    as they pass, and derive an occult pleasure from a glimpse of
+    a satin train and a bouquet. Other spectators circulate behind
+    them, roving from carriage to carriage, straining and staring
+    in at the occupants with the childlike interest of South Sea
+    Islanders. The coachmen and footmen gaze impassively before
+    them, ignoring the crowd to the best of their ability. The
+    ladies in the carriages bear the ordeal of popular inspection
+    with either haughty resignation, elaborate unconsciousness, or
+    amused tolerance, and it is difficult to say which demeanour
+    provokes the greatest resentment in the democratic breast._
+
+_Chorus of Female Spectators._ We shall see better here than what we
+did last Droring-Room. Law, 'ow it _did_ come down, too, pouring the
+'ole day. I was that sorry for the poor 'orses!... Oh, that one
+_was_ nice, MARIRE! Did you see 'er train?--all flame-coloured
+satting--_lovely_! Ain't them flowers beautiful? Oh, LIZA, _'ere's_ a
+pore skinny-lookin' thing coming next--look at 'er pore dear arms, all
+bare! But dressed 'andsome enough.... That's a Gineral in there, see?
+He's 'olding his cocked 'at on his knee to save the feathers--him and
+her have been 'aving words, apparently ... Oh, I _do_ like this one.
+I s'pose that's her Mother with her--well, yes, o' course it _may_ be
+her Aunt?
+
+_A Sardonic Loafer._ 'Ullo, 'ere's a 'aughty one! layin' back and
+puttin' up 'er glorses! Know us agen, Mum, won't you? You may well
+look--you ain't seen so much in yer ole life as what you're seein'
+to-day, _I_'ll lay! Ah, you ought to feel honoured, too, all of us
+comin' out to look at yer. Drored 'er blind down, this one 'as, yer
+see--knew she wasn't wuth looking at!
+
+[_A carriage passes; the footman on the box is adorned by an enormous
+nosegay, over which he can just see._
+
+_First Comic Cockney_ Ow, I s'y--you _'ave_ come out in bloom,
+JOHNNY!
+
+_Second C. C._ Ah, they've bin forcin' _'im_ under glorse, they'ave!
+'Is Missis 'll never find 'im under all them flowers. Ow, 'e smoiled
+at me through the brornches!
+
+[_Another carriage passes, the coachman and footmen of which are
+undecorated._
+
+_First C. C._ Shime!--they might ha' stood yer a penny bunch o'
+voilets between yer, that they might!
+
+_The Sardonic L._ 'Ere 's a swell turn-out and no mistake--with a
+couple o' bloomin' beadles standin' be'ind! There's a full-fed 'un
+inside of it too,--look at the dimonds all over 'er bloomin' old
+nut. _My_ eye! (_The elderly dowager inside produces a cut-glass
+scent-bottle of goodly size._) Ah, she's got a drop o' the right sort
+in there--see her sniffin at it--it won't take 'er long to mop up that
+little lot!
+
+_Jeames (behind the carriage, to_ CHAWLES). Our old geeser's
+perdoocin' the custimary amount o' sensation, eh, CHAWLEY?
+
+_Chawles (under notice)._ Well, thank 'Eving, I shan't have to share
+the responsibility of her _much_ longer!
+
+_'Arriet (to_ ARRY). I wonder they don't get tired o' being stared at
+like they are.
+
+_'Arry._ Bless your 'art--_they_ don't mind--they _like_ it. They'll
+go 'ome and s'y (_in falsetto_) "Ow, Pa, all the bloomin' crowd kep'
+on a lookin' at us through the winder--it _was_ proime!"
+
+_'Arriet (giggling admiringly)._ 'Ow do _you_ know the w'y they tork?
+
+_'Arry (superior)._ Why, they don't tork partickler different from
+what you and me tork--do they?
+
+_First Mechanic._ See all them old blokes in red with the rum 'ats,
+BILL? They're Beefeaters goin' to the Pallis, they are.
+
+_Second M._ What do they do when they git there?
+
+_First M._ Do? oh, mind the bloomin' stair-case, and chuck out them as
+don't beyave themselves.
+
+_A Restless Lady (to her husband)._ HARRY, I don't like this place
+at all. I'm sure we could see better somewhere else. Do let's try and
+squeeze in somewhere lower down ... No, this is worse--that _horrid_
+tobacco! Suppose we cross over to the Palace?    [_They do so._
+
+_A Policeman._ Too late to cross now, Sir--go back please.
+
+[_They go back and take up a position in front of the crowd on the
+curbstone._
+
+_The R. L._ There, we shall see beautifully here, HARRY.
+
+_A Crusty Matron (talking at the R. L. and her husband.)_ Well, I'm
+sure, some persons have got a cheek, coming in at the last minnit
+and standing in front of those that have stood here hours--that's
+ladylike, I _don't_ think! Nor yet, I didn't come here to have my eye
+poked out by other parties' pairosols.
+
+[_Continues in this strain until the R. L. can stand it no longer, and
+urges her husband to depart._
+
+_Chorus of Policemen._ Pass along there, please, one way _or_ the
+other--keep moving there, Sir.
+
+_The R. L._ But where are we to _go_--we must stand _somewhere_?
+
+_A Policeman._ Can't stand anywhere 'ere, Mum.
+
+[_The unhappy couple are passed on from point to point, until they
+are finally hemmed in at a spot from which it is impossible to see
+anything whatever._
+
+_Harry._ If you had only been content to stay where you were at first,
+we should have been all right!
+
+_The R. L._ Nonsense, it is all your fault, you _are_ the most
+hopeless person to go anywhere with. Why didn't you tell one of those
+policemen _who we were_?
+
+_Harry._ Why? Well, because I didn't see one who looked as if it would
+interest him, if you want to know.
+
+THE ROYAL CARRIAGES ARE APPROACHING.
+
+_Chorus of Loyal Ladies of Various Ages._ There--they're clearing
+the way--the Prince and Princess won't be long now. Here's the Life
+Guards' Band--don't they look byootiful in those dresses? Won't that
+poor drummer's arms ache to-morrow? This is the escort coming now....
+'Ere come the Royalties. Don't push so, POLLY, you can see without
+that!... There, that was the Prince in the first one--did yer see him,
+POLLY? Oh, yes, leastwise I see the end of a cocked 'at, which I
+took to be 'im. Yes, _that_ was 'im right enough.... There goes the
+Princess--_wasn't_ she looking nice? I couldn't exactly make out which
+was her and which was the two young Princesses, they went by all in
+a flash like, but they _did_ look nice!... 'Ere's another Royalty in
+this kerridge--'oo will she be, I wonder? Oh, I expect it would be the
+old Duchess of---- No, I don't think it was _'er_,--she wasn't
+looking pleasant enough,--and she's dead, too.... Now they have got
+inside--'ark at them playing bits of "_God Save the Queen_." Well, I'm
+glad I've seen it.
+
+_A Son (to cheery old Lady)._ 'Ow are you gettin' on, Mother, eh?
+
+_Ch. O. L._ First-rate, thankee, JOHN, my boy.
+
+_Son._ You ain't tired standing about so long?
+
+_Ch. O. L._ Lor' bless you, no. Don't you worry about _me_.
+
+_Son._ Could you see 'em from where you was?
+
+_Ch. O. L._ I could see all the coachmen's 'ats beautiful. We'll wait
+and see 'em all come out, JOHN, won't we? They won't be more than an
+hour and a half in there, I dessay.
+
+_A Person with a Florid Vocabulary._ Well, if I'd ha' known all I
+was goin' to see was a set o' blanky nobs shut up in their blank-dash
+kerridges, blank my blanky eyes if I'd ha' stirred a blanky foot,
+s'elp me Dash, I wouldn't!
+
+_A Vendor (persuasively)._ The kerrect lengwidge of hevery flower that
+blows--one penny!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ALLOWED TO STARVE."--_Mr. Punch_ begs to acknowledge contribution
+from "PAISLEY" to "The Light Brigade Fund," which has been forwarded
+to the Editor of the _St. James's Gazette_, who has charge of this
+Fund.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE AUTOCRAT.]
+
+    "Here is my last request and legacy! After we are executed,
+    and while the impression of this epilogue of all these horrors
+    is still fresh in the minds of the people, do your utmost to
+    make this new example of the unparalleled cruelty of Russian
+    despotism known to the whole world.... This is a great task
+    well worth accomplishing; and if you succeed, the losses we
+    suffered in that terrible butchery will be redeemed."--_From
+    the last letter, written just before his execution, of
+    Nicholas Zotoff, one of the victims of the Yakoutsk massacre._
+
+  LET it be known! Poor soul, of unshaken trust,
+    So done to death in the gloom of the Kara waste,
+  'Midst a myriad nameless victims of fear and lust,
+    Your cry comes, borne on the chainless winds that haste
+  In shuddering flight away from that frozen hell,
+    That pestilent prison for all things free and fair,
+  Where the raven's croak is the patriot's only knell
+                  On the tainted air.
+
+  Let it be known! Aye! the cruel secret crawls,
+    Despite the vigilant watch of tyranny's hounds,
+  From the scaffold's screen, from the kamera's sombre walls;
+    Away, as you wished, o'er enfranchised lands it sounds,
+  And shocks the gentle, and stirs the blood of the strong;
+    But he, the Autocrat, sits, with a shaken mind,
+  And a palsied heart; to the tale of horror and wrong
+                  He's deaf and blind!
+
+  Pale ladies lashed, at the word of a drunken brute,
+    To the death they welcome e'en from the torturing "plet!"
+  And his eyes are blind, and his trembling lips are mute,
+    Whilst the eyes of a world of shuddering men are wet.
+  Chained gangs of patriot captives stabbed or shot
+    At the scared caprice of a bully, craven-souled!
+  And the Autocrat, whilst all hearts with shame wax hot,
+                   Sits still and cold!
+
+  Ust-Kara's far, and the hasty scaffold reared
+    In the grey of the early morning bore--a fool,
+  Who had not learned that Law must be blindly feared,
+    Though sent to the stern Siberian wastes to school.
+  The unconvicted exile who dares to lift
+    A voice, a hand, is a proven "Terrorist."
+  And if, in Yakoutsk, he is given a shortish shrift,
+                  Need the White TZAR list?
+
+  The White TZAR sits on his gorgeous seat, alone;
+    Blindfold and deaf, in his realm the veriest slave,
+  Though the seat he fills is the rack men call a Throne,
+    And the TZAR is a stalwart Titan, strong and brave.
+  Strong--yet helpless as yon slain woman's hand;
+    Brave--but shaken through with a haunting Fear.
+  Of all his myrmidons' devilries done in the land
+                  The last to hear!
+
+  Let it be known! Poor ZOTOFF'S legacy wakes
+    A living echo in every ear humane.
+  E'en the Autocrat in his lonely splendour quakes
+    At the vague vast sounds of menace no bonds restrain.
+  But there, in the heart of horrors, he sits and sighs,
+    Blindfold Injustice bound to a joyless throne;
+  Whilst far the voice of his fallen victim flies--
+                  "_Let it be known!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISTINCTION AND A DIFFERENCE.
+
+"Now what are the peculiar Distinctions of the Quakers? For instance,
+how do they Speak differently From You and Me?"
+
+"Please, Sir, they don't Swear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_Just want five minutes' chat with you_;" _i.e._, "He'll give me a
+cigar and something to drink, and as I've nothing to do for half an
+hour, this will occupy me pleasantly."
+
+"_Yes; I quite understand_;" _i.e._, "I don't know what he is talking
+about, but he's a bore."
+
+"_Wouldn't tell it to anyone but you_;" _i.e._, "This will ensure its
+circulation."
+
+PLATFORMULARS.
+
+"_As the Laureate well puts it, in lines that will live for ever_;"
+_i.e._, "I'm perfectly dead certain I've forgotten the third line of
+the verse."
+
+"_The clock warns me that I am trespassing too long on your
+patience_;" _i.e._, "Haven't said half of what I meant to say. Why the
+dickens don't they say, 'Go on!'"
+
+FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
+
+"_She is the most domesticated darling imaginable_;" _i.e._, "A dull,
+sock-darning dowdy."
+
+"_Quite a beauty-man, and nice--to those who like that sort of
+thing_;" _i.e._, "An awfully handsome fellow, who won't worship me."
+
+"_Grim rather at first, but grows upon one wonderfully_;" _i.e._, "He
+is softening a little beneath my blandishments."
+
+RAILROAD AMENITIES.
+
+"_Would you like the window up_;" _i.e._, "Hope to goodness she won't,
+for her patchouli is simply suffocating."
+
+"_If you feel inclined for a snack, don't mind me_;" "The scent of
+sherry and sandwiches in a close carriage is simply sickening."
+
+PREPARING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.
+
+"_I defer to your superior knowledge of stage-effect_;" _i.e._,
+"Stuck-up know-all! I could play his head off!"
+
+"_Well, I fear it's a little out of my line; still if I can do
+anything to help you, I shall be delighted_;" _i.e._, "What I've
+longed for for years. Now I shall have a chance of showing what's in
+me!"
+
+"_Bravo, Buffins, dear boy! That little bit of business was really
+first-rate_;" _i.e._, "If he plays like _that_ I shall shine, if only
+by contrast."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUITE A LITTLE BANC(ROFT) HOLIDAY!
+
+MRS. BANCROFT'S "Little Play" is very good work. It is called _The
+Riverside_; it drew a big _Matinée_ house at the Haymarket last
+Thursday, and drew big tears. The ladies did enjoy themselves! They
+were in full cry all the time. Capitally acted. It is rumoured that
+the gifted authoress, manageress, and actress (all in one), is going
+to take a company up the river in a House-boat fitted as a Theatre. It
+is to be called _The Thespis_, and will visit all the principal places
+on the river during the Season, and ought to do uncommonly well. The
+idea is novel. The Company will be called "The Bancroft Water-Babies."
+_À propos_ of the Busy B.'s, we are authorised to contradict the
+report that, in consequence of his great success as an arbitrator, Mr.
+BANCROFT is to be made a Deputy-Assistant County Court Judge. This is
+not so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRST ROZE OF SUMMER.--Our Chirruping Critic off the hearth went
+to Madame MARIE ROZE'S Concert the other day--advertised as "Grand
+Morning Concert"--well, it was a "Grand Morning" for the time of
+year--but why was the Concert "Grand?"--and was delighted. The
+Chirruper heartily welcomed Miss GRACE DAMIAN--more graceful than
+ever--she sang grandly--of course everyone did on this "grand"
+occasion--and he nearly split a pair of gloves applauding Mr. LEO
+STERN in his Grand Violoncello act, for which he was recalled three
+times, till he was quite tired of bowing and "boo'ing." But the
+Chirruper would not have it otherwise, "Touch not a single bow," as
+the song says. And then the flowers! five bouquets for Madame MARIE
+ROZE. "The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la!" as the late
+firm of GILBERT AND SULLIVAN used to sing and play. _À propos_ of Mr.
+GILBERT, his _protégée_, Miss NEILSON, whom he was the first to bring
+out in Brantingham Hall, St. James's, S.W., gave a recitation which
+made a decided hit; and then she sang a song--accomplished young lady
+is Miss JULIA--which made another hit. The Chirruper wishes to record
+that--to a quartette "specially arranged for the Meister Glee Singers",
+called _Dinah Doe_, and excellently sung, no names were given of
+either the Shakspearian Librettist, or the Composer, J. L. MOLLOY, who
+wrote it for the GERMAN REEDS many years ago. It's as fresh as ever,
+and at this grand concert came out grandly. The Steinway piano was of
+course a grand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 19._--OLD MORALITY in new and charming
+mood to-night; turned over a fresh leaf in his copybook; entered upon
+the chapter headed "Banter;" not only enjoyed himself, but was cause
+of enjoyment in others. ESSLEMONT began it; doled out, as if it were
+ounce of tea or yard and quarter of calico, ponderous joke about
+having no Holiday at Whitsuntide, and adding three days to Recess at
+end of Session.
+
+"I will take a note of the Hon. Member's recommendation," said OLD
+MORALITY.
+
+Nobody laughs when I tell this; yet, remember, House roared whilst OLD
+MORALITY, resuming seat, sat with pursed-up lips and furrowed brow,
+fearful lest he should spoil situation by smiling. Must have told the
+joke wrong; look up Parliamentary Reports. No, there it is, the
+very words; also his retort to TIM HEALY; his turning the flank of
+HARCOURT; his triumphant knocking over of TIM, when, after brief
+pause, he came up again.
+
+"Such badinage!" said CHARLES WILSON, "such persiflage!"
+
+So it seemed at time. Everyone roared with delight.
+
+"Quite in DIZZY'S style," said the admiring STANHOPE.
+
+"Only better," added the ecstatic GEORGY HAMILTON.
+
+Thought so too at the time; but when I come to write down the jokes,
+the fun has gone, the flavour escaped, the bloom shed. Wonder what it
+was we all laughed at?
+
+[Illustration: "Such badinage! such persiflage!"]
+
+"You do your best," said the Member for Sark, always ready with kindly
+remark, "but you can't bring OLD MORALITY and all he is to us on
+your written page. His voice, his looks, his way of getting up and
+of sitting down, his throwing back his head and thrusting forward his
+chin as he mouths his apophthegm, his nervous glance round the House,
+his assumption of a stern official aspect, breaking presently into a
+smile when the House laughs; his apologetic way of sitting on the
+edge of the seat when he has snubbed HARCOURT; all his goodness,
+his littleness, his honest intention, and his occasional lapses
+into crooked paths; his 'Certainly, Sir,' when the thing is quite
+otherwise, his blush when he discovers himself dealing with facts in
+a Pickwickian sense, his constitutional modesty, and his spasmodic
+aggressiveness, the look in his eye as of a wounded hare when COURTNEY
+refuses to put the Closure he has moved,--all these are things, little
+in themselves, momentary in their passage, which you, dear TOBY, can
+no more transfer to your folios than you can illuminate them with the
+glow of sunset, or perfume them with the scent of country lanes in
+this sweet spring-time. OLD MORALITY belongs to us. He is a peculiar
+growth of the House of Commons, unique, unprecedented, unapproachable,
+never fully to be understanded of, or appreciated by, the people."
+
+_Business done._--Battling round Budget Bill; sat all night, and far
+into morning.
+
+_Tuesday._--CADOGAN in good time at House of Lords to-day. DENMAN
+got first place with Motion for Second Reading of his Bill extending
+Municipal Franchise in Ireland. CADOGAN to move rejection of Measure
+in name of Government.
+
+"I must be firm," he said, as he turned up his trousers over his white
+spats. "DENMAN a terrible fellow when he's roused."
+
+[Illustration: Going down to the House.]
+
+House pretty full when DENMAN appeared at table in position of Leader
+of Opposition. An ordinary Member not connected with either present or
+late Government, usually speaks from Bench on which he is accustomed
+to sit. DENMAN preferred conveniences of table. Most interesting
+speech, what could be heard of it. Good deal about Sir ROBERT PEEL;
+occasional reference to PALMERSTON; some reminiscences of early
+journey in railway-carriage in STEPHENSON'S time; a passing remark
+as to the weather, and probable state of the crops on this day six
+months. But, as CADOGAN subsequently remarked, nothing whatever about
+the Bill. Lords in an awkward position. Had the scene been in the
+Commons, and the elderly grey-haired gentleman at the table been
+merely returned by a constituency, the case would have been different.
+Might have been howled down in a few moments. But with a Peer of
+the Realm, a hereditary legislator, a personage whose vote might in
+certain conceivable circumstances suffice to throw out a Bill which
+had received sanction of House of Commons, it is, as GRANVILLE says,
+_une autre paire de manches_. If anyone whispered that DENMAN had a
+tile off, whither would the admission lead us? A Peer is a man--or
+rather, a Being--of a special, superlative order. Admitted within
+that order, he becomes, _ipso facto_, a person of extraordinary
+intelligence, keen intellect, ripe judgment, irreproachable character.
+
+A little awkward that DENMAN should seem to be rambling. If he were a
+Commoner, might even be called incoherent. Being a Peer, some forty or
+fifty other Peers sat through twenty minutes with polite assumption
+of listening. But there is a substratum of human nature even in
+the Peerage. When DENMAN, _à propos_ of the Municipal Franchise in
+Ireland, began to talk about COLUMBUS'S egg, there was a murmur of
+impatience; when he slid into the Panama Canal the murmur grew to a
+shout. Awhile, amid stormy cries for the Division, the House of Lords
+resembled the House of Commons.
+
+After brief struggle with unwonted elements, DENMAN resumed seat; Bill
+thrown out, and with regained equanimity noble Lords turned to next
+business. To their horror, DENMAN up again at table; forgotten to
+mention a particular circumstance connected with COLUMBUS'S egg.
+"Perhaps their Lordships----" But this too much. At whatever risk to
+Peerage as a body, DENMAN must be shouted down. So they roared at him
+with cries of "Order!" he standing regarding them with looks of pained
+surprise. Was it possible they declined to hear more about COLUMBUS'S
+egg? "Order! Order!" they roared, BATH leading the onslaught.
+
+"It is you, my Lords, who are disorderly," said DENMAN, and with head
+erect, and tall figure carried with pathetic dignity, he strode back
+to Cross Benches, and sat down in seat of PRINCE OF WALES.
+
+_Business done._--Budget Bill in Commons.
+
+_Thursday._--All the blood of his great predecessor in spoliation,
+HENRY THE EIGHTH, just now swelled in the bosom of JAMES STUART
+ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON. Prince ARTHUR responsible for the flood.
+Question about meeting announced to be held in Mid-Tipperary next
+Sunday. Prince ARTHUR has, it seems, prohibited it. JOHN MORLEY wants
+to know why? There was, he says, public meeting held in same place
+last month, addressed by English Members; that not proclaimed. What
+was the difference between meeting addressed by Irish Members, and
+another by English Members, that one should be taken and the other
+left?
+
+"The difference is," said Prince ARTHUR, speaking with embarrassed
+air, as if the distinction was dragged out of him, "that the result
+of the meeting addressed by Irish Members was to produce intimidation,
+whilst the result of the other was, I should say, _nil_."
+
+If JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON had only lived in the times
+of his great predecessor, and wielded his power, Prince ARTHUR would
+forthwith have been conducted to Tower Hill, and shortened by a head.
+Why he (JAMES, &c.) was at this meeting at Mid-Tipperary last month!
+He, standing on a butter-tub, had addressed the men of Tipperary;
+the echo of his eloquence still filled the dales, whilst the hills
+reverberated with the cheers of the men of Tipperary. For this
+insolent hireling of a Coercionist Government to speak in tones of
+studied slight of such a demonstration was more than J. S. A. T. P.
+could stand. If our two giants, JOHN O'CONNOR and HENRY PEASE had
+not joined hands and held him back, gore would have sprinkled the
+precincts of the Treasury Bench. As it was, the subject dropped, and
+House proceeded to discuss Budget Bill.
+
+_Business done._--A good lead.
+
+[Illustration: Pease (with Honour).]
+
+_Friday._--House adjourned for holidays. "When we come back," says OLD
+MORALITY, "we must really begin work. Playtime up to now; left most
+of the work over; must buckle to. We've been in some danger, and there
+may be more ahead. Why are persons sometimes killed by leaning over
+beer-vats? Because vats, when beer has been made, contain large
+quantities of carbonic acid gas, produced by the vinous fermentation
+of the beer; and when a man incautiously leans over a beer-vat and
+inhales the carbonic acid, he is killed thereby. It is, of course,
+not quite the same in respect of spirits. Still, when a Chancellor of
+Exchequer has clapped on sixpence a gallon on whiskey, it is as well
+for his colleagues to avoid looking a Scotch hogshead or an Irish
+puncheon in the face. _Au plaisir, cher_ TOBY. Come along, JACKSON!"
+
+The two Right Honourables go off together, JACKSON evidently turning
+over in his mind OLD MORALITY'S observations on the beer-vat.
+
+"A wonderful man," he says, "his mind stored with odd bits of
+information, which he draws upon for enlightenment upon ordinary
+events of daily life. Don't exactly see, though, how he rolled in that
+beer-vat. Must think it over during the Recess."
+
+Everyone glad to hail JACKSON "Right Honourable." A proud title,
+as yet not spoiled by indiscriminate distribution. Suffices for
+GLADSTONE, as it did for PEEL; suits JACKSON exactly.
+
+_Business done._--Winding up for Whitsuntide. Adjourn for holidays
+till Monday, June 2nd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
+
+_From the Note-book of Mr. Pips Senior._--_Monday, May 19._--To the
+Royal Opera House, Covent Garden. First night of the Season. The
+house infinite full, and the Prince of WALES and the Princess, and the
+Princesses their daughters, there in a box, pretty to see. DRURIOLANUS
+OPERATICUS ET COUNTICOUNCILLARIUS mightily pleased at what I hear is
+the biggest subscription to this class of entertainment ever known.
+Many fine faces here to-day. The sight of the ladies exceeding noble.
+A new wench, Mlle. NUOVINA, to sing for the first time, taking the
+part of _Marguérite_ in the Opera of _Faust_, which she did prettily
+and quietly. Curious to see a _Marguérite_ with jet-black hair and a
+white face; yet comely and with much grace.
+
+Everyone extraordinarily content with Mons. JEAN DE RESZKÉ, the best
+_Faust_ that did ever sing and play this part. But vexed to see one
+M. ORME DARRALL act _Mephistopheles_ in the room of EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ,
+who, poor man, is sick. The scenes and the chorus all very fine
+indeed. All of us pretty merry at the droll mimicry of Mlle.
+BAUERMEISTER as _Martha_, who makes this part go most rarely.
+
+[Illustration: "Harmony in Black and White."]
+
+Pleased to see Madame SCALCHI dressed as a boy for the part of
+_Siebel_. The house mightily content, and wishing her to sing one song
+twice over, which she would not. In which matter she did wisely, as
+also the others.
+
+Went out before the last Act began, to find it raining heavily, and,
+good lack! not a _Commissionnaire_ to be met with for a quarter of an
+hour. Whereat mightily troubled to get a coach, till one did fetch me
+a four-wheeler, which I entered, in great disorder, after much strife
+and contention. Cost me sixpence. To RULE'S, in Maiden Lane, being
+mighty thirsty, where had supper on excellent lobster and fresh salad,
+with eggs of the plover, and a draught of the best stout, which
+did much content me. Comes young SILLIGREW, who makes merry about
+"sticking to Rules for supper and no exception," or some such
+nonsense, which I have forgot, though we laughed heartily at his
+manner of saying it. Drank to the success of the Italian Opera and of
+DRURIOLANUS. After paying the reckoning, took cab, and so home to bed.
+
+_From Note-book of Mr. Pips Junior._--_Tuesday._--PIPS Senior doesn't
+go to Opera to-night. PIPS Junior does. Think PIPS Senior, as an
+Admiralty official, will be at the Court Ball with Madame PIPS. Glad,
+therefore, to take his stall at the Opera. _Carmen_ always delightful.
+Tuneful, melodious, and bright. Good Bizet-ness. Mlle. ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN
+as _Carmen_ mighty difficult to beat, and she sings and plays the part
+with all the diabolical waywardness of this impudent Spanish baggage,
+as PIPS Senior would call her. Pity that MAGGIE McINTYRE is indisposed
+to play _Michaela_; she used to do it so prettily and so innocently
+that she shone out as just the very contrast intended by the author.
+Instead of MAGGIE, Mlle. COLOMBATI sings the part to-night. She is
+very graciously received, as is also Signor FERNANDO VALERO (from
+several Opera Houses abroad) who makes his _début_ here as that
+vacillating tenor, DON JOSÉ. Clever Mlle. BAUERMEISTER as frisky
+_Frasquita_, and Mlle. LONGHI as _Mercedes_, both excellent Bohemian
+Girls. To see them going nap was a treat! Which wins? One excellent
+Irish-Italian, DAN DRADY, as the _Toréador_, first-rate. What a song
+it is! _Encores_ refused all round, of course. In spite of State Ball,
+House very nearly as full as on first night. Brilliant effect of some
+ladies who are "going on," and who can't of course "go on anyhow," but
+are obliged to appear in their diamonds.
+
+Pretty to see little Mlle. PALLADINO dancing. Very short life and a
+merry one has the _première danseuse_ in this Opera. Just a few steps,
+and then she "steps it," and is not seen again. There is too little of
+PALLADINO at any time, and in this case, as she only comes on for five
+minutes at the commencement of Act II., and then "_bon soir!_" she may
+be described as "Small and Early."
+
+_Thursday._--_Rentrée_ of Mlle. ELLA RUSSELL as _Leila_ in BIZET'S _I
+Pescatori di Perle_, another version of _The Diversions of Purley_,
+a work now more or less forgotten. Signor VALERO better as _Nadir_
+(isn't this the name of a well-known photographer?) than as _Don
+José_. Not unlike the lamented GAYARRE. The more like he can become to
+that tenor the better. M. DUFRICHE came from Madrid to play _Zurga_.
+A long journey; almost sorry he gave himself the trouble, but there's
+more than this for him to do. Lovely finish to First Act, but after
+that the Opera is not a stirring one, the story being so idiotically
+undramatic. ELLA fresher than ever.
+
+_Friday._--_Lohengrin._ Wagnerian worshippers in their thousands. What
+shall she do who comes after _Albani_ in the part of _Elsa_? That
+is the question, and MAGGIE McINTYRE supplies the answer, which
+is Uncommonly well. A sweet picture in a gentle frame of mind, so
+Macintirely pure and simple. A trying, very trying, part. How grand
+are the DE RESZKÉS--JEAN and EDOUARD--or more familiarly as we come to
+know them better, JACK and NED. NED looking well, and singing so too,
+in spite of recent chill. Warmth of reception to-night would thaw any
+chill. But what a couple of bores are the characters of _Ortruda_
+and _Telramondo_, even when superbly played as to-night, by Madame
+FURSCH-MADI--(the real Mahdi at last!)--and Signor DAN DRADY, bedad!
+Fortunately the Opera is considerably curtailed, or we should never
+hear the last of it.
+
+_Saturday._--_Il Trovatore._ Great night for "the big, big D",--that
+is, for "the high D," on which the new tenor, M. RAWNER, alights with
+a sudden bound that electrifies the house. His "high D" is quite an
+_Eiffel tour de force_. Henceforth M. RAWNER must be known as "the
+High D-iddle-diddle" tenor, and His Highness will be expected to
+sustain his high reputation. Vocal effort almost eclipsed by wonderful
+physical force, which enables him to burst through the prison
+walls and bow to audience, who are enthusiastically applauding the
+_Miserere_. Unfortunately M. RAWNER, being a stranger in these parts,
+cannot find his way back again, and so is unavoidably prevented from
+being present at his own execution, which, in his absence, takes place
+without him. Madame TETRAZZINA--her first appearance here--not so
+great, perhaps, as she is good and graceful. DAN DRADY and Madame
+SCALCHI as "per usual," which is the highest praise. End of first
+week. General satisfaction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLEASURE-SEEKER'S VADE MECUM.
+
+_Q._ I trust you have had a delightful time recently?
+
+_A._ Indeed I have, with the assistance of Private Views, Special
+Performances, and Second-rate First Nights.
+
+_Q._ Did you assist at the _première_ of _Gretna Green_, the new
+"Comedy Opera" at the Opéra Comique?
+
+_A._ An Act of it. It had already been played on a previous occasion,
+when I fancy one of the principal performers, finding that his part
+was dragging, introduced imitations of popular modern actors. As the
+period of _Gretna Green_ is the eighteenth century, this innovation
+must have been at once pleasing and appropriate.
+
+_Q._ I think you have also been present at the first performance of
+the "Wild East," at the Earl's Court Exhibition?
+
+_A._ I have had that advantage, and am now thoroughly conversant with
+the manners and customs of our lively neighbours in some parts of
+Africa.
+
+_Q._ Are those manners and customs what may be termed--quaint?
+
+_A._ They are very quaint. Still I am not sure that I have not seen
+something very like them before. As for the Exhibition itself, there
+is as little doubt about its being French, as there was about last
+year's display being Spanish.
+
+_Q._ Have you been to the Flower Show at the Aquarium?
+
+_A._ I have; but did not find that home of scientific research quite
+so full as it was when the Directors were testing the powers of
+endurance of the Fasting Man.
+
+_Q._ Do you consider the Westminster Aquarium of material assistance
+in developing the latent civilisation of the nineteenth century?
+
+_A._ Indeed, I do; especially now that "the Royal Bears" are a feature
+in the daily programme.
+
+_Q._ Did you pass the Bank Holiday pleasantly?
+
+_A._ When I tell you that I seized the opportunity to go to Calais and
+back third-class excursion with a number of anti-temperance-movement
+fellow passengers, you will see at once that the festival must have
+been to me a source of unmixed enjoyment!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ARGUMENT BY ANALOGY.
+
+_Mariar Ann._ "WHAT A BEAUTIFUL 'OUSE, MISS! WHAT A LOT O' RENT YOU
+MUST 'AVE TO PAY! I SUPPOSE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN _DO_ PAY RENT?"
+
+_Daughter of the House._ "OF COURSE THEY DO."
+
+_Mariar Ann._ "WHAT A DEAL O' TROUBLE YOUR FATHER MUST 'AVE, TO GET IT
+TOGETHER EVERY WEEK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"COUNTRY AND DUTY."
+
+OLD MORALITY (_in flannels_) _sings_;--
+
+  Ouf! Free from their "howlings and whinings" awhile,
+    (Which, as the _Times_ tells us, are frightful--are frightful.)
+  But here Nature smiles, a true Smithian smile,
+    And the change from the House is delightful--delightful!
+  A smile which, as GOSCHEN would say, one can _hear_;
+    A _susurrus_ sweeps over the river--the river.
+  Oh, Henley in May to my heart is as dear
+    As to Spaniards the gay Guadalquivir--dalquivir!
+
+  No doubt they are yelping and yapping like mad;
+    In such hobbles cantankerous spleen lands--rous spleen lands.
+  I peacefully sprawl on the turf, and am glad;
+    The Blue Devils never reach Greenlands--reach Greenlands.
+  By Jove, they have led me a doose of a life!
+    Their conduct is sheer criminality--nality.
+  Here, though, thank Heaven, I'm far from the strife,
+    Here the wicked won't vex OLD MORALITY--RALITY!
+
+  True, 'tisn't for long, a clear week at the most.
+    They would worry us out of our Whitsuntide--Whitsuntide.
+  But still we all feel, though I don't want to boast,
+    Like Park-hacks in paddock, or "tits" untied--"tits" untied.
+  They mock my wide smile, and my scantness of thatch;
+    I think, though, in managing skill I am--skill I am,
+  All things considered, much more than a match
+    For swaggering, swashing Sir WILLIAM--WILL-I-AM!
+
+  Lawks! this _is_ lovely! But, SMITHY my lad,
+    In the midst of Arcadian beauty--an beauty,
+  You mustn't forget (the reflection is sad)
+    What is due to your Country and Duty--and Duty.
+  That's why I have brought down this Holiday Task.
+    Though slumber-inviting the weather--the weather,
+  I'll turn my true hands, whilst in sunshine I bask,
+    To the use of the brush and wash-leather--wash-leather!
+
+  It's got a bit rusty from sheer want of use;
+    Though they tell me I'm promptish at pouncing--at pouncing.
+  Ah me! E'en an angel comes in for abuse,
+    Or _me_ they would not be denouncing--denouncing.
+  A crocodile's sure to be down on the Gag,
+    And HARCOURT'S a fair alligator--ligator;
+  He's awfully wide in the jaw, for a wag,
+    But _I_'ll tie up the would-be dictator--dictator!
+
+  They're out without muzzles, the whole noisy pack,
+    (I wish some sharp Bobby would run 'em in--run 'em in,)
+  But _I'll_ be prepared for them when they come back.
+    The fight for free jaw I have done 'em in--done 'em in.
+  Good gracious! One's duty to Country and Queen
+    Cannot be well done, as all know, by a--know, by a
+  Man amidst yelpings of furious spleen,
+    Suggestive of sheer hydrophobia--phobia!
+
+  And so, whilst _sub tegmine fagi_ I sit,
+    And pass in May sunshine a jolly day--jolly day,
+  I think I'll just brush up this weapon a bit,
+    And so make a good use of my holiday--holiday.
+  They're bound to come back, and if barking they come,
+    I'll be ready--and willing--to muzzle 'em--muzzle 'em.
+  Dumb dogs may bite, but when _this_ makes 'em dumb,
+    To bite us, I fancy, will puzzle 'em--puzzle 'em!
+
+                                       [_Left smiling and scrubbing._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. DUNTHORNE of Vigo Street is exhibiting a collection of
+"Atmospheric Notes," which are not, as Esoteric Buddhists might
+conclude, missives forwarded by astral current from a Mahatma, but
+a series of very charming pastels, by Mr. GEORGE HITCHCOCK. They are
+records of land, sea, and sky effects in Holland, characterised by a
+poetry and feeling, and a subtlety of colour that give equal pleasure
+to mind and eye. _Mr. Punch_ predicts, that the fortunate possessor of
+any one of these Notes, will be in no hurry to change it.
+
+[Illustration: "COUNTRY AND DUTY."
+
+MR. W. H. S. "IT'S GOT A LITTLE RUSTY,--BUT I'LL HAVE IT READY IN
+TIME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNKIND SUGGESTION.
+
+_Cabby (who has been paid his legal fare in threepenny bits and
+coppers)._ "WHERE DID YER GET THIS LOT FROM, EH? BEEN A ROBBIN' THE
+CHILD'S MONEY-BOX?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT GUILDHALL.
+
+WELL, if we aint bin and had a fine time of it at Gildhall this
+last week or two, it's a pitty! What the pore harf-starved County
+Counsellors must have thort of it all, it isn't for me to say, and
+how they all felt when the ginerous old Copperashun tossed 'em a few
+dozzen tickets to skrambel for, when the great Mr. STANLEY came to
+supper, of course I carnt tell, but them few as I knowed seemed to
+find their way to my refreshment department as if by hinstinkt. I
+didn't, of course, hear the grate Traweller's grand speech, but I'm
+told as my pore namesake, Sir ROBERT FOWLER M.P.'s face was a site to
+see while he lissened to sitch a descripshun of his Quaker Friends as
+he probberbly never heard afore.
+
+There was grate complaints made about the want of enuff wittles and
+drink, but anyone who seed, as I did, the fust rush for 'em by the
+hungry mob, couldn't have been much surprised at that. Why, I myself
+seed, with my two estonished eyes, one gent, as I spose he called
+hisself, take up a hole dish of most lovely Hoyster Pattys, and skoop
+out all the Hoysters with a spoon, and then return the hemty Pattys
+from whence they came! Feeling as I couldn't be of no more use after
+there was nothink left for me to hand to the fresh mob as kept on
+arriving, I quietly warked off, and made my way to the supper-room,
+where the hemenent Traweller was aswaging the pangs of hunger
+with reel Turtel Soup and setterer. Ah! what a contrast! Plenty of
+everythink, and plenty of room to enjoy it.
+
+With that abundant kindness as so distinguishes him, the LORD MARE
+acshally hintroduced me to the Ero of the Heavening, who kindly shook
+hands with me, and hoped as how as we shood meet again, which I can
+quite bleeve if he thinks as it allers includes reel Turtel Soup, and
+setterer. Rayther different living to what he has bin accustomed
+to for 3 years parst, pore Feller! They tell me as he as bin to the
+Mountins of the Moon. Evins! ow did he get back? By balloon. But I
+don't kwite bleeve horl I eers.
+
+But on the following Friday there wasn't not no xceptions to anythink,
+and everrybody, from the Prince of WALES hisself, down to the werry
+umblest Postman or Sorter, left that nobel old Hall, estonished, and
+delited, and appy.
+
+And no wunder, for, by the combined efforts of the hole Copperashun
+and its werry numerus Staff, and the hole Army of Postmen, and
+Tellacram Men, and all manner of Sorters, and Stampers, St.
+Martin's-le-Grand was removed boddily to Gildall, and everything
+that was ever done in the one place was dun in the other before the
+estonished eyes of sum two thousand of us, ewen includin four-horse
+Male Coaches, with sacks of letters, and reel Gards with reel Horns,
+which they blowed most butifully. It was a gloreus Jewbelee! I'm that
+bizzy I hardly noes wich way to turn first, so no more at pressunt
+from yores trewly,
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTIONS FOR PICTORIAL DIRECTORY.
+
+Regent's Circus.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW DUKE.
+
+AIR--"THE WIDDY MALONE."
+
+  Did ye hear of the Duke of ATHLONE?
+                                 Ohone!
+  He's a son of the Heir to the Throne
+                            Full grown.
+      Of a prince quite a pictur',
+      Is young ALBERT VICTOR,
+  Who'll now as the Duke of ATHLONE
+                          Be known,
+  He'll be the Great Gun of Athlone!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MID-DAY MEAL-LENNIUM.
+
+(_With Salutation to the "Society for the Promotion of Enjoyment
+during Luncheon Hours, specially in the City."_)
+
+LUNCHING AS IT IS.
+
+No, I certainly did _not_ order Irish Stew; but as you have now
+brought it, and I have been waiting a quarter of an hour for a cut
+from the joint, I prefer to take it.
+
+This room is very stuffy and crowded. Is that purple-faced gentleman
+in the corner suffering from an apoplectic stroke?
+
+No; but _he_ has been waiting _half_ an hour for the Irish Stew which
+I have just annexed. He seems angry about it.
+
+Waiter, would you try not to kick my chair and knock the back of my
+head every time you pass with a dish?
+
+Yes, I know it's a narrow gangway, and that everybody in this dark and
+confined crib which you call a City Restaurant is cramped for room;
+still, I _do_ object to collisions between my best hat and somebody
+else's victuals.
+
+Would you mind talking to me in the Deaf and Dumb Alphabet? In this
+maddening clatter it is impossible to hear a word you say.
+
+That young man three from me is evidently training as the Champion
+Express Eater of the World. He has got through joint, potatoes,
+rhubarb tart, and Cheddar cheese in seven minutes, and is now putting
+on his hat to go.
+
+AS IT OUGHT TO BE.
+
+Is this spacious airy hall, with a fountain playing in the middle of
+shrubs, and abundant light coming in through painted windows, really
+the "Apple-pie Restaurant" in its new form?
+
+And this neat-handed Phyllis, who respectfully awaits my orders
+as soon as I have taken my very comfortable seat, _can_ she be the
+substitute for the over-worked and distracted City waiter of the past?
+
+I see that especial care is taken to prevent the room being filled
+with more lunchers than it can hold with comfort to each individual
+customer, by an apparatus which automatically closes the door when
+every seat is full.
+
+What! No shooting down of one's plate before one as if fired from a
+catapult, and no tedious waiting for dishes never ordered! This is a
+Luncher's Paradise.
+
+It seems possible that I may now escape the dyspepsia which, in the
+old days, was the unfailing legacy of lunch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TOUJOURS 'GAY.'"--On an exit of Mrs. LANGTRY, as _Esther Sandraz_, at
+the St. James's Theatre:--
+
+  "Adieu! she cried, and wav'd her Lily hand."
+
+[How is it that Messrs. Transparent Soap & Co. have never hit on this?
+Presented gratis.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORTHCOMING NEW WORK to be expected in about six weeks' time,
+_Newton's Principia_, revised and corrected by Mr. JUSTICE CAVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GROSVENOR GEMS. (FIRST VISIT.)
+
+[Illustration: No. 150. The Old Hand teaching "Blind Hookey" to his
+Young Friends.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 26. "Sail or Return."]
+
+[Illustration: No. 190. Lottie and Stottie of Oldham.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 381. "Sich a gettin' up Stairs!" "How shall we get
+on to landing of the Gallery from here without a trapèze?"]
+
+[Illustration: No. 92. Photography under Difficulties.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Not much time for books this week, says the Baron; just been able to
+glance at W. S. LILLY'S _Right and Wrong_: verdict--so far, all right,
+nothing wrong. Sharp chapter on journalism--severe, but not unjust.
+Picked up small book, for which inquire at W. H. SMITH'S bookstalls,
+_Four Thousand Years After_, by HELEN L. CHEVALIER. Baroness having
+read it, highly recommends it in hot weather, as being a weird,
+mystical legend, of a soothing and interesting character, commencing a
+few years before "ADAM delved and EVE span," and finishing in the time
+of steam yachts; so that it is brought right up to date. It is full of
+incident and picturesque description. I see Mr. FARJEON has been at
+it again with the _Mystery of M. Felix_. _Felix_--Happy Thought. Mr.
+HARRY FURNISS'S _Academy Antics_ is entertaining reading, and some
+of the earlier illustrations are quite Gilrayish in their breadth of
+style, not of subject.
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHENOMENON IN NATURAL HISTORY (_by an observant
+Cricketer_).--Obtaining a Duck's Egg from a Bat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)
+
+EVERY jackass who ever was seen in the pig-skin knows perfectly well,
+or ought to know, unless his brain has gone barnacle-hunting in one of
+Mr. J.'s journalistic bum-boats, that a race is to take place at Epsom
+in the early part of next month. It has been customary to speak of
+this race as the Derby, and to imagine that the owner whose horse wins
+it gains possession of the Blue ribbon of the turf. As if, forsooth,
+in a matter like this, the colour mattered in the very least. But
+I have a further objection to this hugger-mugger, three-cornered,
+rag-and-bone, vermilion-faced, grog-blossomed, hash-headed fashion of
+describing things, and it is this. If a two-year-old, provided with
+one of Mrs. PARTINGTON'S patent range-finding, rectangular brooms, can
+beat an unbroken four-year-old over the Nose-bag Handicap Course
+by fourteen shoe-nails in a hundred, how in the name of all that
+is lop-sided can a three-masted frigate in full sail keep up with a
+Chinese Junk on Southampton Water? I pause for a reply, but knowing
+the anserous, venomous imbecility of the vermin who infest the turf, I
+think it will be a long time before I get one.
+
+_Crimson Jack_ is a good horse--no thanks to the puddling and
+pilfering slop-shop proprietors who manage him. When he used to draw
+a dust-cart in Grosvenor Square he accustomed himself to the sound
+of the saddling bell, and now knows when luncheon time has arrived.
+A year ago, I wouldn't have given a copper shirt-stud for him, never
+having even heard of him. Now I believe him to be worth even more than
+the £10 given for him by the Ropes Contingent. But I have got my eye
+on them, and they know it. The mooncalves * * * gruel-brains * * *
+puddling simpletons * * * muddy and pernicious rascals * * * dolts,
+dumplings and dunderheads * * * poisonous, pestilential, crawling,
+goose-faced reptiles * * * rely on it I know. * * *
+
+[There has been no time to send this proof for correction, and it
+has, therefore, been printed as it was received, gaps and all.--ED.
+_Punch._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LITTLE PARTY IN EAST AFRICA ONLY GOING TO COLLECT A
+FEW BUTTERFLIES AND FLOWERS FOR THE DEAR KAISER, THAT IS ALL!!
+
+"We came very near to having Kilima-Njaro attached to the British
+Empire, only the German Emperor said he would very much like it,
+because he was so fond of the _flora_ and _fauna_ of the place....
+Would the English have expected to get any territory on account of
+their great interest in the _flora_ and _fauna_ here."--_Stanley
+speaking at Chamber of Commerce, May 21._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+_Monday and Tuesday._--Nothing particular, except meeting Mr. STANLEY.
+
+_Wednesday._--_Mr. Punch_ comes out. General rejoicings.
+
+_Thursday._--Milk Adulteration Contest at Wormwood Scrubbs.
+Cat-shooting in Eaton Square commences. Treacle-makers' Company insist
+on presenting their Bicentenary Gold Medal to Mr. STANLEY.
+
+_Friday._--Private Eclipse of the Sun, invisible to everybody, except
+Mr. STANLEY.
+
+_Saturday._--Banquet of the Bargain-Drivers' Benevolent Association.
+Song by Mr. STANLEY, _Meet me by Moonlight_.
+
+_Sunday._--Festival of the Five Quires for a Shilling. Everybody in
+"Go-to-Meeting-STANLEY Costume."
+
+_Monday._--Afternoon Firework Display at the People's Palace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOME amusement was created at the Anniversary Dinner of the United
+Crossing-Sweepers' Provident Association, held last night, by the
+Noble Chairman's reference to his early experiences on a West End
+crossing. What he saw then had led him to believe, he said, that the
+lot of one who preserves the boots of the public from mud is not all
+beer and skittles. He had, however, formed a very exalted idea of the
+dignity of the calling to which they all belonged. It is, of course,
+well known that the Noble Earl owed his rise from the position of
+broom-holder to an opportune legacy from an old lady, whom he saved,
+at the risk of his own life, from being ground to powder by a runaway
+costermonger's barrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Correspondent sends us some interesting notes of meteorological
+observations during the past month. "I have noticed," he writes, "that
+under certain atmospheric conditions the streets and pavements of the
+Metropolis are invariably damp. This phenomenon is generally preceded
+by the withdrawal of the sun, followed almost immediately by a
+prevalence of _imber_. After this has lasted for some time, it is
+usual for the water-carts to make their appearance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A MANCHESTER MOTHER" makes the following pertinent observations on
+the fashions prevailing amongst men at the present day. "Why," she
+asks, "should some men prefer boots with buttons, while others like
+their boots laced? Why again should it be considered right for
+some men to wear dark blue overcoats, and for others to wear black?
+Finally, if a man standing six foot two in his stocking-feet is to a
+bank holiday as a six-inch collar is to a pork-pie, how comes it
+that a tartan waistcoat and a pair of green plush trousers cost five
+shillings and sixpence per square inch?" We confess that we are unable
+to find answers to these questions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two Policemen were yesterday observed in earnest conversation with
+a well-known member of the Bermondsey Bull-pup Club. Eventually
+the three Gentlemen departed for an adjacent police-station, their
+proceedings forming a subject for animated comment amongst the
+juvenile population of the neighbourhood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Four receptions, six public dinners, five evening parties, and eight
+dances were given in different parts of London yesterday, "to meet Mr.
+H. M. STANLEY." We are glad to know that the great explorer maintains
+his imperturbable good humour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IT is computed that the number of pretty women in London this Season
+is just double of what it was last year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHORT MATHEMATICAL PAPER.
+
+1. Solve the short equation ([Greek: a + s + s + a + u + l + t]) × 2
+= 14 days.
+
+2. Given log. ·321 and density [Greek: glue], how much Port would you
+deduce from this?
+
+3. Show under what circumstances P'liceman x^2 = Two-and-sixpence.
+
+4. What is the probability of two blue eyes becoming black if A, a
+stranger, wins half-a-crown three times running at a baccarat-table in
+Tottenham Court Road? Calculate to five places of decimals the chances
+of A's appearance as prosecutor at Bow Street next morning.
+
+5. Construct a set of Tables showing how the interest increases in a
+geometrical progression as the principal is paid off. A., a flat, goes
+to B., a money-lender, to raise £100. A. receives £7 10_s._ 6_d._ in
+gold; what balance will he receive in grand old sherry and real Havana
+Bremerhaven cigars?
+
+6. Show how to re-construct a series of Companies (on the square),
+with a million capital, within two months of formation, in such a way
+that the Shareholders get nothing, and still remain liable for future
+calls. Is the root of the above operation to be found in defective
+legislation?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF BLACKING BOOTS.
+
+  DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+[Illustration]
+
+YOU'LL be glad most likely to hear what's going on in the
+boot-blackin' world, of which I'm now a honarery member, havin'
+bin thirty-five years at it come next Chrismas, and now retired to
+Camberwell to do the rest of my life easy. Fact is, Sir, there's a
+many young 'uns come on, and scarcely sufficient boots for 'em to get
+a livin out of, more partikler with them new yaller boots, which
+is pison to the honest boot-black. So thinks I to myself, I've bin
+polishin' a long time and knows all the tricks of it, why shouldn't
+I lend a 'and to them as is startin'. I'll write down what I knows
+myself, and I'll get all the best blackers of the day to tell me what
+they knows about it, and then I'll set the lot together and get it
+printed. Fact is, I got put on the job by a feller who come to see me
+'tother day--a tidy young sprig, full of all them new notions. Says 'e
+to me, "BILL," 'e says, "'ow do you walk?" "Why," I say, "on two legs
+like the rest of 'em; what do you think?" "No," 'e says, "that ain't
+what I mean, you Juggins" (there's a pretty word to use to one old
+enough to be his father); "what is the process you go through in
+walking?" "Well," I says, "if that's what you're up to, I mostly puts
+one foot in front of 'tother, and arterwards brings the back foot
+forrard and leaves 'tother behind." "Ah," says 'e, "that's jest where
+you make a bloomin' errer. Your brain sends a message through your
+nerves, and then you set to work, movin' the extenser mussels and the
+glutyus maksimus, and there you are." Well, I thought about that
+a lot, and on the top of it I got 'old of a book called the Art of
+Authorship, by Mister GEORGE BAINTON, who's agoin' to teach everybody
+'ow to write things pretty and proper, and make no end of money out
+of it. Pr'aps, thinks I to myself, there's more in blackin' boots than
+meets the eye. I'll write about that on the same plan, gettin' all the
+fellers I know to 'elp me. Fust, I drew up a lot of questions, and I
+sent 'em round. Then when the ansers come in I got a young chap, who
+writes for the _Camberwell Star_, to polish 'em up a bit with grammar
+and spellin', asking 'im to do it like Mister GEORGE BAINTON. I've
+jest dropped in a word or two of my own 'ere and there, to show what I
+mean. So 'ere they are, Sir, and quite at your servis; and I knows
+if you prints 'em, there's many a boot-black unborn, as'll bless your
+name, not forgettin',
+
+  Yours truely,
+  the Author,
+  BILL THE BOOTBLACK.
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+IN putting these notes together, I have been animated solely by the
+desire to enable those, whom motives of self-interest, or of ambition,
+or the irresistible impulse of innate genius, may induce to enter
+upon the profession of blacking, to acquire by living examples of
+acknowledged ability, a true and genuine perfection in the art. For
+art it is. Let nobody undertake it lightly. There is no room in the
+busy throng of ardent blackers for the idler or the fribble. Such men
+may write books, they cannot black boots. Style is everything, style
+which colours the boots, roots itself in them, and uplifts them to the
+highest pinnacle of Art. (N.B.--I took this sentens nearly strait
+from GEORGE BAINTON.--_B. the B._) Therefore, my young friends, study
+style. Whenever you see a well-blacked boot in the street, in the
+counting-house, or in the sanctity of home, fix your eyes upon it.
+Thus you will learn, and may in time black boots as well as I do
+myself.
+
+(N.B.--GEORGE writes the most extronery fine English, I'm told, and
+o' course 'e wants the young 'uns to do the same. Same with me and the
+boots.--_B. the B._)
+
+My first answer is from JAMES HUGGINS, who as is well-known, polishes
+the foot-coverings of the innumerable visitors who throng to the
+Transcontinental Hotel. He says, "you ask me how I acquired my
+unquestioned ability as a blacker. I answer, 'by constantly studying
+the best models.' When I was quite a small boy I used to polish all
+the boots within reach, and I well remember my father humorously
+remonstrating with me, when he found me blacking an old pair of
+worsted slippers given him by my mother. There is a method of
+breathing on some boots and of spitting on others, which can only be
+acquired by long practice. A large boot with many knobs, is best for a
+beginner."
+
+Next I addressed my inquiries to GEORGE BREWSHER, more generally known
+under his nick-name of DANDY GEORDIE. No man has a wider reputation.
+His reply is instructive. "It is useless," he says, "to study models.
+I tried that, and the result was that I used to black all the patent
+leathers, and varnish the ordinary ones. So I gave up study and relied
+upon my own talents. At the present day, nobody in the whole world can
+put a truer shine on the dampest boot. I scarcely know how I do it.
+I only know I do it. I always keep my brushes in good order, drink a
+toothful of gin at bed-time, and never let a single day pass without
+blacking something."
+
+My next reply was from LEMUEL D. DODGE, of New York, a boot-polisher
+whose delicate and refined style has won him admirers in this country
+as well as his own. "Character," he observes, "is everything. I always
+analyse my blacking three times over, and then lay it on thin with a
+camel's hair-brush. I find this method much more satisfactory and less
+tiring than the rough and ungainly scrubbing so much in vogue with
+your English artists."
+
+Miss SALLY PIPPIN, who officiates in The Metropolitan Ladies'
+Boot Emporium, kindly sends me the following notes. "I have had no
+education at all. I find it quite useless. All you require is to make
+a shine. It's as easy as shelling peas. By the way, I always wear
+my hair brought up at the back. This hint may be useful to intending
+bootblacks."
+
+(That's enough for one go, I rayther fancy. There's lots more o' the
+same sort all ekally valuble, but I mustn't let you have it all at
+once.--_B. the B._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EARLY GREEN PEAS.
+
+_A Gourmand's Ditty._
+
+  THERE'S a pleasure in Rhubarb, fresh, early and red,
+    When it comes with the flush of the newly born year,
+  There's a joy in the tasty Asparagus head
+    That is met with in soup, be it thick,--be it clear!
+  There's delight in the oyster; a peace that ne'er fails
+    In the placid enjoyment the Plover's egg brings,
+  A sense of calm peace in your nicely cooked quails,
+    But oh! there's one dish that will crown all these things;
+  For what, with such rapture the palate can please
+    As the first welcome helping of Early Green Peas!
+
+  You may bring me Clyde salmon, three shillings the pound,
+    Red mullet in envelope, done to a turn,
+  The young spring potatoe, dug fresh from the ground,
+    The daintiest cream from a Devonshire churn:
+  You may offer me salad that's almost divine,
+    With a chicken so plump it should gladden the heart;
+  You may say, "Wash that down with the best brands of wine,
+    And follow it up with young gooseberry tart!"
+  My reply is but this, "Ah! withhold all of these!
+    But yield me the rapture of Early Green Peas!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIVE O'CLOCK TEA BONNET COMPANY.--Under the above title a
+Fashionable Company has been inaugurated by several high-born, but
+impecunious Ladies, who, importing a model bonnet from Paris, and
+reproducing it in British materials, with more or less success,
+hope, by a judicious association of the shopkeeping instinct with
+the _recherché_ gloze of the best social circles, to dispose of their
+stock to a _clientèle_, consisting of the many toadying and snobbish
+friends who would be caught by the idea of purchasing their bonnets at
+an establishment where their orders would be taken by an impoverished
+Lady of title, and delivered at their residences, possibly, by the
+daughter of a Baronet or Nobleman, in reduced circumstances. The rooms
+of the New Company that will be shortly opened at the West End, in the
+immediate vicinity of Bond Street, though supplied with a counter
+on which a few of the choicest exhibits of the establishment can be
+displayed, will be in all other respects furnished after the fashion
+of a Modern Upper-class May-Fair Drawing-room, to which intending
+Purchasers will need no voucher of admission beyond that furnished by
+their own visiting-card, on presentation of which they will be greeted
+as friends, making an afternoon call, by the Fore-lady, who may be
+temporarily presiding over the Show-room. Indeed, the key-note to the
+_raison d'être_ of the FIVE O'CLOCK TEA BONNET COMPANY will be found
+in the happy combination of High-class social intercourse, with
+a satisfactory adhesion to the principles of ordinary West-End
+shopkeeping. No special prices will be attached to the articles sold,
+but they may be regarded on the whole, considering the advantageous
+social circumstances under which they are established, as generally a
+little in advance of those asked at the leading Professional West-End
+Establishments of a similar kind. A generous margin in this direction
+must, therefore, be looked for in the account. Bills, if required,
+when contracted by well-known Leaders of Society, may stand over for
+years, but a very handsome interest will, of course, be expected, in
+the event of a long-delayed settlement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH AND "JUDAH."--_Mr. P._ defers his criticism on HENRY AUTHOR
+JONES'S new play at the Shaftesbury ... until he has gone through the
+formality of seeing it. From most accounts, it is evidently well worth
+a visit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+This book contains a lot of dialect.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+98, May 31, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ***
+
+***** This file should be named 33281-8.txt or 33281-8.zip *****
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