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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93,
+August 20, 1887., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, August 20, 1887.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: June 30, 2010 [EBook #33036]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, AUGUST 20, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 93.
+
+  AUGUST 20, 1887.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLEASANT TRAVELLER'S CONVERSATION-BOOK.
+
+(_To be translated into French, German, and Italian, for the benefit of
+Foreigners._)
+
+IN THE TRAIN.
+
+CONTINENTAL Railways are disgracefully mismanaged.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This train does not travel at anything like the rate of our expresses.
+
+The "Flying Scotchman" travels at 50, 100, or 150 (_according to fancy_)
+miles the hour.
+
+I object to smoking; also wish all the windows to be opened or closed
+(_as the case may be_).
+
+The foreign _buffet_ does not equal our refreshment-rooms.
+
+A plate of soup, half a roast fowl, and mashed potatoes cannot compare
+with what we call in England a "ham sandwich."
+
+I object to the lamp being shaded, or insist upon the lamp being shaded
+(_according to pleasure_).
+
+Why are we stopping here? Why are we not stopping here?
+
+It is disgraceful that we should stop here. It is disgraceful that we
+should not stop here.
+
+If this occurs again, I shall write to the papers.
+
+AT THE STATION.
+
+Why must I go here? Why may I not go here?
+
+I insist upon going where I please.
+
+I refuse to answer, as an impertinent question, "what I have to
+declare."
+
+I object to opening that trunk, that portmanteau, and that hat-box.
+
+It is insolent to accuse me of smuggling. Where is the Chief of Police?
+
+Have there been any orders to treat my luggage in this manner?
+
+I complain that, as you have passed my boxes without examination, that I
+should have ever been asked for my keys.
+
+I will not take this omnibus, nor this fly, nor this cart.
+
+I do not want to patronise any hotel.
+
+Why do you not put my luggage on that carriage?
+
+I had a right to say I would take no conveyance--as a matter of fact, I
+knew I should be swindled.
+
+Now do make haste, and do what I ask, or I shall report you to the
+Station Master.
+
+No, I shall give you nothing--it is contrary to the Bye-laws in England.
+
+AT THE HOTEL.
+
+I object to this room, because it is on the ground, first, or upper
+floors (_according to taste_).
+
+I do not like the price paid for the _table d'hôte_.
+
+I object to the bed-curtains--why are there no bed-curtains?
+
+I will not pay for _service_--_service_ should be charged.
+
+Your prices are extortionate. I shall be careful to warn all my friends
+against coming to this hotel.
+
+Don't be impertinent.
+
+EN ROUTE.
+
+This scenery is disappointing.
+
+The water-fall is over-rated and the ruin a fraud.
+
+I will not take off my wide-awake in this Cathedral.
+
+Why cannot I look at the altar during the celebration of Service?
+
+I have seen much better things in a ninth-rate town in England than I
+find in this Museum.
+
+I consider the whole tour not worth the candle.
+
+It is infamous that I should have been induced by false pretences to
+come abroad.
+
+You can easily imagine how I must be missed at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Land Measure.
+
+    [Mr. JESSE COLLINGS supports the Government Allotments Bill,
+    although it only holds forth a prospect of one acre, and no cow.]
+
+  JESSE content with SALISBURY'S gift? How odd!
+    One acre only, and of cows a lack!
+  Pooh! JESSE takes this "acre" as a "rod"--
+    For faithless GLADSTONE'S back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR.--The Government have been given a good inch
+(of coercive power). Will they take a (National) League?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WELSH FOR THE WELSH.
+
+MR. PUNCH by some accident was unable to be present at the "Eisteddfod
+Genhedlaethol y Cymry," and therefore could not take part in the
+competitions at the Albert Hall. For the sake of the other bards he is
+glad, as he feels sure that had he sung his own little composition he
+would have been hailed at once "_Pencerd Gwalia_," "_Mynorydd_" and
+"_Owen Dyfed_," rolled into one. However, that the World may not suffer
+by his unselfishness, he publishes his _Anerchiaudau ir Llywydd_
+(Poetical Address to the President), which he would have sung to an
+accompaniment of a hundred harps. As it is short, he gives it in full:--
+
+Y MORWYNIG GWYNTOEDD.
+
+  Hi ddiddleth di ddiddleth ghist katte haw di fiddleth,
+    Ac kowwe pob gofid y munne,
+  Fel lliddell doggggg rawd di see glap spwwt,
+    Ond di pplatt gofid rhosyn di ssspnnn
+          Fy mam, fly man,
+          O pale ale man am di fly man!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRIVILEGED PISTOLS.
+
+THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, it is rumoured, a few days since,
+received a deputation of schoolboys home for the holidays, and other
+young gentlemen delegated to him with a petition that he would propose a
+bill for the repeal of the duty now demanded for permission to carry a
+gun.
+
+The foreboy of the memorialists, Master SMITHERS, in an address premised
+with "Please Sir," informed the Right Honourable Gentleman of the object
+of their application. He, and those other fellows, considered the
+gun-tax an awfully hard impost, he might say imposition--out of
+school-hours. It denied them a recreation they particularly wanted to
+enjoy in the holidays, namely, shooting, which was fun for them as good
+as for Members of Parliament. Shooting was shooting, whether you shot
+sparrows or grouse. But ten bob duty was more than poor fellows could
+afford.
+
+[Illustration: Revolvers.]
+
+JACKSON, Junior, asked why, if the tax on firearms was intended to
+prevent a chap from carrying a gun, it wasn't charged just the same upon
+pistols? You couldn't look into a daily paper hardly without seeing an
+account of a murder committed, or somebody or other shot, or shooting
+himself by accident, with a revolver, or the revolver going off on its
+own accord, and killing its owner or someone else. Cads and roughs
+almost all of them carried revolvers, and so it was that burglars went
+about shooting policemen. If every revolver had to be loaded with a
+licence, or the firearm-duty were enforced for all firearms, it would
+save no end of lives. But if that didn't signify, and everybody was to
+be free to carry a revolver, what use was there in what you might call
+fining a fellow for leave to carry a gun?
+
+The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER said that his young friends appeared to
+him to have made out a very good case, not so much for the repeal of the
+gun-duty as for its extension, if necessary, or at any rate its
+enforcement, as regarded revolvers, upon which the existing duty might
+require to be increased to an amount which would effectually limit the
+possession of those dangerous weapons. Meantime he would consult his
+colleagues, who, he was assured, would give this question their most
+serious consideration.
+
+The young gentlemen then gave three groans for the CHANCELLOR of the
+EXCHEQUER, and bolted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MARBLE ARCH.
+
+(_A Song for the Season._)
+
+    "Can nothing be done for the Marble Arch?...London soot-flakes have
+    dealt cruelly with a surface admirably calculated to receive
+    them."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+AIR--"_I Dreamt that I Dwelt in Marble Halls._"
+
+  I DREAMT that I gazed at the Marble Arch,
+    King Fog and King Coal at my side,
+  The soot of November, the dust-storms of March
+    Had made it a sight to deride.
+  I said all the foreigners think, I'll be bound,
+    To our City this thing is a shame;
+  But I guess 'twill be found, when next Season comes round,
+    That its state is much the same.
+
+  It _does_ want a wash, there's no doubt about that,
+    For the marble's a dull, dirty brown;
+  That is, where it isn't as black as your hat--
+    _Can't_ they clean it while Swelldom's from Town?
+  Marble? Deft TADEMA, I will be bound,
+    Would say 'tis not worthy the name;
+  But I'd wager a pound, when next Season comes round,
+    We shall find it still the same.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVICTION.
+
+A WOFUL BALLAD OF WIMBLEDON. AIR--"_The British Grenadier._"
+
+[Illustration: _Illustrious President._ "NOW, MY LAD, SORRY TO
+INCONVENIENCE YOU, BUT--HEM--HA--YOU MUST REALLY GO--SOMEWHERE ELSE!"]
+
+  SOME prate of patriotism, and some of cheap defence,
+  But to the high official mind that's all absurd pretence;
+  For of all the joys of snubbing, there's none to it _so_ dear,
+  As to snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!
+
+  A patriotic Laureate may bid the Rifles form,
+  And Citizens may look to them for safety in War's storm;
+  But Secretaries, Dooks, and such at this delight to jeer,
+  And to snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!
+
+  A semi-swell he may be, but he may be a mere clerk,
+  And he's an interloper, and to snub him is a lark.
+  Sometimes he licks the Regulars, and so our duty's clear,
+  'Tis to snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!
+
+  He hankers for an increase in his Capitation Grant,
+  It's like his precious impudence, and have the lift he shan't.
+  What, make it easier for him to run us close? No fear!
+  We'll snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!
+
+  He has a fad for Wimbledon, but that is just a whim,
+  And as eviction's all the go, we'll try it upon _him_.
+  _He_'s not an Irish tenant, so no one will interfere,
+  When once more we snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!
+
+  His targets and his tents and things are nuisances all round,
+  As Jerry-Builders, Dooks, and other Toffs have lately found.
+  Compared with bricks and mortar and big landlords he's small beer,
+  So we'll snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!
+
+  The Common's vastly handy, there's no doubt, to chaps in town,
+  And crowds of Cockneys to the butts can quickly hurry down;
+  But what are _all_ Town's Cockneys to one solitary Peer?
+  No; let us snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!
+
+  Your Citizen who wants to play at soldiers need not look
+  To have his little way as though he were a Royal Dook.
+  With building-leases--sacred things!--he must not interfere,
+  So let us snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!
+
+  If he must shoot his annual shoot somewhere, why, let him go
+  To Pirbright or to Salisbury Plain, or e'en to Jericho.
+  But out from his loved Wimbledon he'll surely have to clear,--
+  A final snub, snub, snub, snub to the British Volunteer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE HONEYMOON.
+
+_She (beaming)._ "WHAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU, DEAR? WHAT AGREEABLE
+CHARACTERISTIC DID I POSSESS TO PLACE ME ABOVE ALL OTHERS IN YOUR SIGHT
+AND ESTIMATION?"
+
+_He._ "H-U-M--LE'ME SEE."--(_Ponders._)--"H-M--OH, DARLING, I GIVE IT
+UP. CU'IOUS THING, DEAR--I NEVER COULD GUESS WIDDLES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ROOM AND VERGE."
+
+LORD SALISBURY agrees with Lord BEACONSFIELD that Asia is large enough
+for both Russia and England. Quite so. And unlimited space is large
+enough for all the galaxies of Worlds,--until two of them want to occupy
+one portion of it. Then comes Chaos or a Cosmical Boundary Question. The
+"room enough" theory is a genial one, which would have commended itself
+to _Uncle Toby_. But it does not carry us practically very far on the
+road to a settlement. The world was presumably "large enough" to
+accommodate the ambitions of OCTAVIUS and MARK ANTONY. Only they did not
+happen to think so. Collision terrestial or celestial does not come from
+the narrowness of limits, but from the crossing of courses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE.
+
+(_A Weather Forecast for the Next Ten Weeks._)
+
+_August 20._--Heavy downpour commences. Thirty-six inches of rain fell
+in as many minutes. The Clerk of the Weather catches cold.
+
+_August 27._--Heavy downpour continues. The entire audience at the
+Gaiety, being unable to get home without getting drenched, decline to
+leave the Theatre, and, after a riot, pass the night there, in the face
+of the protests of the Management.
+
+_September 3._--Heavy downpour shows no signs of abating. Several
+leading Umbrella Manufacturers make rapid fortunes, and are raised to
+the Peerage.
+
+_September 15._--Heavy downpour still continuing, the Serpentine
+overflows its banks, and runs southwards. Salmon-fishing commences in
+the Brompton Road.
+
+_September 27._--Downpour heavier than ever. The Underground Lines
+flooded, and the traffic carried on by penny steamers.
+
+_October 8._--Downpour steadily continuing, the Albert Hall is opened as
+a National Swimming Bath, and Battersea Park as a Rice Plantation.
+
+_October 19._--Downpour still on the increase. The Hippopotamus from the
+Zoological Gardens is washed in a torrent down Portland Place, and left
+high-and-dry on the steps of the Langham Hotel.
+
+_October 28._--Downpour as heavy as ever. Gondolas seen in Piccadilly. A
+well-known Duke endeavouring to drive a bathing-machine in Belgrave
+Square, upsets it, and is only rescued with difficulty by drags from his
+own balcony.
+
+_November 3._--Downpour still continuing and London being now under
+water, wild-duck shooting commences in Chancery Lane.
+
+_November 9._--Downpour at its height. In consequence of the flooded
+condition of the Guildhall, the Lord Mayor's banquet is given under a
+water-proof tent on Primrose Hill, his distinguished guests approaching
+it across the Regent's Park in coal-barges. Prime Minister, in his
+speech, commenting upon the weather, describes it "as the worst he ever
+remembers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FERDINAND AND ARIEL.
+
+(IN BULGARIA.)
+
+(_Shakspeare once again adapted to circumstances._)
+
+_Enter_ ARIEL, _invisible, playing and singing_. FERDINAND _following
+him_.
+
+_Ariel's Song._
+
+  COME into Bulgarian Lands,
+  We stretch our hands;
+  'Tis a chance not to be miss'd.
+  When we have kiss'd
+  Your hand in loyal fealty there,
+  The Crown's sweet burden you may bear.
+    Hark! Hark!
+
+  _Burden._ Bow-wow! (_Dispersedly._)
+    Let the Russ bark!
+
+  _Burden._ Bow-wow! (_Dispersedly._)
+    Hark, hark! I hear
+    The strutting Gallic Chanticleer
+    Cry Cock-a-doodle-doo!
+
+  _Ferdinand._ Where should
+    this music be? In th' air, or th' earth?
+    It sounds once more, and sure it waits upon
+    _My_ forward footsteps. Sitting all alone,
+    Musing upon Prince ALEXANDER'S wreck,
+    This music crept upon me unawares,
+    Stirring my hope, and rousing Russia's passion,
+    With its sweet air. Thence have I followed it,
+    Or it hath drawn me rather:--but 'tis gone.
+    No, it begins again.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Ariel sings:_
+
+  Full fathom deep BATTENBERG lies,
+    Of _his_ chance chaos is made;
+  But you'll see, if you have eyes,
+    Your hopes ripen as his fade.
+  You may suffer a great change
+  Into a young King. Is't strange?
+  Fate which rings poor SANDY'S knell
+  Sounds your coronation bell.
+  Hark! dost hear it?--ding-dong-dell!
+
+      [_Burden._ Ding-dong!
+
+  _Ferdinand._ This ditty doth decoy, yet fright me,--rather.
+  This is no common chance. A golden crown
+  Fate proffers me:--I see it,--shall I wear it?
+      [_Left considering._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FINIS CORONAT OPUS."
+
+THE summary given in an evening paper last week of a well-known suit,
+now happily at an end, is instructive. Four years ago the plaintiff was
+absolutely without means, and apparently utterly friendless. The man who
+had wronged her offered her (amongst other infamous actions) a miserable
+pittance to expatriate herself and to cease to "annoy" him. She called
+in the assistance of the Press; and now she retires with provision for
+herself and innocent child, her character re-established, and a sum of
+money that our grandfathers would have called a "plum." The paper that
+championed her was plucky, and as the result has proved, in the right.
+Praise to whom praise is due. Acknowledgment is due to the _P. M. G._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAPPY THOUGHT.
+
+(_By an Unhappy Unionist._)
+
+  TREVELYAN swears he trusts the Grand Old Man,
+    And follows him in playing fast and loose.
+  Well, we have heard of Leda and the Swan,
+    But here's a case of Leader and the Goose!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POPULAR EDUCATION.--_Examiner._ Give the meaning of "Hagiology."
+_Candidate._ Science of Witchcraft.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SALUBRITIES ABROAD.
+
+_To those about to travel_ viâ _Dover and Calais_.--Ask when _The
+Empress_ makes the journey. Something like a boat, and the day our
+party went by her she did the crossing in the hour, and I won't
+positively swear it wasn't a minute or so under that time. There's a
+crossing-sweeper for you! The Empress of the Sea! Mind you it was a fine
+day, and what I should say would be considered a calm sea, though there
+were several sufferers.
+
+If not in a hurry--and who can hurry in such weather?--the easiest
+travelling is by the 11 A.M. from Victoria; admirable _Empress_ for the
+crossing; and a good twenty-five minutes or more for one of the best
+buffet-luncheons in France. Stay the night in Paris, and off to your
+Royat, your Aix, or wherever it may be, as early as possible.
+
+_At the Paris-Lyon Station, en route for Royat._--Owing to the gentle
+influence of Colonel WATERS, attached to the L. C. & D. corps in Paris,
+and to the indefatigable exertions of his lieutenant in uniform, GUSTAV
+HERLAN, the P. L. & M. Company have consented to put a _lit-salon_
+carriage on to their day-train as quite an exceptional concession to an
+invalid, who might be supposed to have thus addressed them:--
+
+  Pity the sorrows of a gouty man,
+    Whose trembling limbs have brought him to your door,
+  Who asks you to oblige him with--you can--
+    A simple _lit-salon_ and nothing more.
+
+The perfect comfort of this arrangement for a long journey is worth the
+price including the _supplément_, which I am paying when a cheery voice
+cries, "Hallo! old chap," and I recognise PULLER, whom I haven't seen
+for some time. I return his greeting heartily. "You've got a _coupé
+reservé_?" he exclaims gleefully, and literally skipping for joy. I
+never saw a man in such spirits. He is not absolutely young, nearer
+forty than thirty for example, looking so wonderfully fresh, that
+turn-down collars and a jacket would suit him perfectly. He is as
+clean-shaved as a Benedictine Monk or a Low Comedian. He says of
+himself--he is the waggish companion to whom I alluded in my previous
+notes--"I am well preserved in high spirits." He insists on paying the
+extra seat and _supplément_. Cousin JANE (again going to Royat for the
+Cæsar Baths) says she shall be delighted, and so PULLER is to come with
+us. Certainly am delighted to see PULLER. Will he have his things
+brought here? He will, "_à l'instant!_"--he pronounces it "_ar long
+stong_," and roars with laughter as if he had delivered himself of the
+rarest witticism. Then he skips off down the platform, waving an
+umbrella in one hand and a stick in the other. Suddenly PULLER'S social
+characteristics all flash across me. I haven't seen him for years, and
+had forgotten them. I recollect _now_, he is what they call "an
+inveterate punster," and loves when abroad (though an accomplished
+linguist) to speak the language of the country in which he may be
+temporarily sojourning with a strong English accent; it is also a part
+of his humour to embellish his discourse with English idioms literally
+translated,--or, _vice versâ_, to give French idioms in colloquial
+English; so that on the whole his conversational style, when in foreign
+parts, is peculiar. The impression left in my memory years ago of
+PULLER, is that he is a wonderfully good-natured fellow unless a trifle
+puts him out, when he flares up suddenly into red heat; but this is
+seldom, and he cools down directly if allowed to stand. When he is not
+in the highest possible spirits he is an agreeable companion, as he can
+give some interesting, but utterly untrustworthy, information on most
+subjects, and, when this comes to an end, he falls asleep suddenly,--he
+does everything suddenly,--but, as I have since ascertained, does not
+snore. When at his office in London he is the second partner of an
+eminent firm of Solicitors with a varied and extensive business. For a
+safe and sound legal opinion in any difficult matter, specially on the
+Chancery side, there is no one to whom I would sooner go myself, or
+recommend a friend than JAMES PULLER, of HORLER, PULLER, PULLER (J.),
+BAKER AND DAYVILLE. For the greater part of the year JAMES PULLER is
+hard at work, and is gravity itself, except on certain social and
+festive occasions. But in vacation-time he gives up Law and goes in for
+Lunacy. "I feel," he says, when he returns, still capering on the
+platform, this time with his stick in one hand and his hat in the other,
+"I feel like a school-boy out for a holiday," and, allowing for the
+difference of age and costume, he looks the character.
+
+Travelling is very tiring; so is rising early in the morning (which is
+included in the process of travelling) after a night spent in fitful
+dozing, one's rest being broken by nervous anxiety as to whether the
+waiter will remember to call one at the cruel hour of 6·30, or not, and
+determining to be up at that time exactly, and if he doesn't appear
+punctually, to ring for him to bring the bath and the boots; then
+preternatural wakefulness, then the drowsiness, then the painful
+emptiness, then the necessity for extraordinary energy and bustle,--all
+this fatigues me so much, that when at last I find myself in a
+comfortable railway-carriage, I sink back, and prepare to make up for
+the lost sleep of the previous night.
+
+PULLER has been travelling all night right through, yet he is now as
+fresh as the proverbial lark. He is smoking. He came up smoking. I am a
+smoker, but at an early hour on a hot day, and comparatively
+unbreakfasted, I do not like the smell of the last half-inch of a strong
+and newish cigar such as PULLER is now smoking. He is sucking at this
+last morsel of it as if it were the only one he should take (I wish it
+were) for another month, and as if it went to his heart to part with it.
+
+"Don't you smoke your cigars rather short?" I ask, mildly, by way of a
+hint.
+
+"No," he replies, quickly; "I smoke them rather long. Had him there,
+eh?" he says playfully, turning to Cousin JANE, who, I regret to say,
+encourages him with an appreciative smile. After his fit of chuckles has
+subsided (in which I do not join), he takes off his hat _à la
+française_, and addresses himself to Cousin JANE.
+
+"If Madame does not oppose herself to that I shall smoke."
+
+JANE graciously returns, "Oh dear no, I do not mind smoke," which isn't
+at all what I want her to say on this occasion. PULLER throws away what
+is left of his cigar, and, producing an enormous case, offers me what he
+calls "a beauty,"--very big, very dark one, with a bit of red and gold
+paper wrapped round its middle, as if it were in a delicate state of
+health and might suffer from rheumatism,--but I decline it, saying
+pointedly, "I can't stand smoking so early, and before breakfast."
+
+"Oh," he returns in an offhand manner, "can't you? I can smoke any time,
+it doesn't affect _me_. Besides, I had a first-rate breakfast at the
+fork, and spoon too, at the buffet,"--he pronounces this word as written
+in English--this is his fun (i.e.__, the fun of a high-spirited
+Solicitor on a holiday), and forthwith he lights the big cigar, changes
+his seat so as to face us both, and then commences a conversation about
+all sorts of things, seasoned with his jokes and comic French, at which
+he laughs himself uproariously, and appeals to me to know if it,
+whatever the joke may be, "Wasn't bad, was it?" And when I beg him to
+spare some of his witticisms, as he'll want them for the friends he's
+going to meet at Royat--(thank Heaven, he _is_ going to meet
+friends!)--he only says, "Oh, there's lots more where these came from,"
+and off he goes again. Fortunately he turns to Cousin JANE, and
+instantly I close my eyes, and pretend to be overcome by fatigue. If
+JANE is wise she will do the same. JANE is tired, but tolerant.
+
+Finding that neither of us is up to much talking (I have inadvertently
+opened an eye) he says, "Look here, I'll show you my travelling-bag," as
+if it was something to amuse children. This delights him immensely. He
+opens it and explains its compartments, tells how he shaves, what soap
+he uses, how he invented a peculiar pomade for travelling, and how he
+had thought out this bag and had everything made to fit into its place.
+He takes out everything, brushes, combs, razors, glass-pots, knives,
+brushes, one after the other, expatiating on their excellence as if he
+were a pedlar anxious to do a deal, and we were his casual, but likely,
+customers. Then finding our interest waning, he shuts it up, and saying
+that the best of travelling in a _lit-salon_ is that you can stretch
+your legs, he forthwith begins capering, asks JANE if he mayn't have the
+pleasure of the next waltz and so forth, until fortunately, he discovers
+the secret of the seat which pulls out and becomes a bed, and is so
+struck with the idea that he exclaims, "By Jove! this is first-rate!
+pillows, mattresses, everything! I've never slept in one of these! I
+haven't been to bed all night. You don't mind my taking forty winks--do
+you?"
+
+O dear no--take eighty if he likes.
+
+"Ah, then," he says in broken English, "I go to couch myself. I salute
+you the good morning, Mister and Missis. I have well envy of to sleep."
+And thank goodness in another minute the high-spirited Solicitor is fast
+asleep, and _not_ snoring.
+
+Then we all drop off. At Montargis he awakes, breakfasts at the buffet:
+we breakfast in our _salon_. He returns, puffing another cigar, stronger
+and bigger than the previous one: but smoking yields to sleeping and his
+high spirits become less and less. After his second or third sleep he
+becomes hungry. The train is late. He becomes hungrier and hungrier.
+Again he smokes; but his cigars are dwindling in size and growing paler
+in colour. He calculates when the hour of dinner will be. He foresees
+that it will not be till past eight and we breakfasted at eleven. Hunger
+has deprived him of all his jokes, all his high spirits; he is
+hopelessly depressed, and preserves an almost sullen silence till we
+reach Clermont-Ferrand, when the sight of the Commissionnaire of the
+Hôtel Continental slightly restores him, and as we get into the Omnibus
+he whispers to me feebly, "I say, let's cry '_Vive_ BOULANGER!'"
+
+I beg him to hold his tongue, or the police will be down on him. I fancy
+this warning has its effect, in his present state of hunger, as he
+limits himself to whispering out of the window to any passer-by who
+happens to be in uniform, "_Vive_ BOULANGER!" but I am bound to say,
+nobody hears him, so finding the fun of the jest exhausted within the
+first ten minutes, he drops it, and once more collapses, shakes his head
+wearily over his wretched state, and expresses in pantomime how he is
+dying for something to eat. JANE and myself recognise Clermont-Ferrand
+and draw one another's attention to all points of interest, more or less
+incorrectly. Then, after noticing how familiar all the land-marks seem
+_en route_, we find we have been taken by a different road from the one
+we need to travel in order to avoid the dust.
+
+Ha! Here is Doctor REM. Welcome to Royat! Same rooms, New Proprietor,
+but same Hotel in effect, it is the Continental. M. HALL, of what
+nationality I do not know, exerts himself to see that everything shall
+be right for everybody who has just arrived. There are several others by
+this train, all requiring special and individual attention, and all,
+somehow, getting it. New faces, but civility and readiness to oblige
+everywhere. The weather perfect!--perhaps a trifle too perfect. But
+Royat is high up, and, if it is hot here, what must it be down below at
+Vichy or at Aix! Dinner in the Restauration of the Hotel, where we pant
+for air because other visitors, chiefly French, of advanced years and in
+various stages of "The Cure," will not allow a door or window to be
+opened. We finish dinner, and hurry off for our coffee in the garden of
+the Casino Samie. End of first day.
+
+P.S.--I said last week I could not find the English newspapers in the
+reading-room of the Cercle. I have since seen them, _Times_ and
+_Telegraph_. But the only one sold outside is apparently the _Morning
+Post_. Lord SALISBURY is coming.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INSURER'S PHRASE-BOOK.
+
+THERE is no truth in the report that a whole Brigade of Firemen and
+Sixteen Fire-engines are now permanently encamped in Kensington Gardens
+Square, and that Captain SHAW is about to take furnished lodgings in the
+immediate neighbourhood of Westbourne Grove.
+
+No, those men walking up and down the shop and eying everybody
+suspiciously are not shop-walkers, as you suppose. Four of them are
+detectives, with orders summarily to arrest any customer who looks at
+all like an incendiary, and the others are disguised Firemen.
+
+[Illustration: Excitement at Pad-inked-on.]
+
+I don't quite know what you mean by speaking of a "holocaust" in
+connection with the recent disastrous conflagration which destroyed five
+whole streets and a hundred lives, but no doubt the cost _will_ be
+enough to make anybody holloa!
+
+"Why have we to hire a boat to take us from the garden-gate to our
+front-door?" Oh, because five million gallons of water were poured down
+our street by the Fire-Brigade men the day before yesterday, and the
+Main Drainage system is only equal to removing a few gallons at a time.
+
+Naturally the Water Companies have taken advantage of this state of
+things to suggest to householders that, as they have so much water in
+their cellars, they can do without any in their cisterns, and to
+announce therefore that the supply will be discontinued for a week.
+
+Is it a fact that Insurance Premiums in Bayswater now vary in proportion
+to the distance from Westbourne Grove?
+
+How curious that "two huge columns of fire" should produce at least half
+a dozen equally huge columns of print!
+
+No, as you say, this wall-paper is not pretty, and walking on hard
+concrete-floors is a little unpleasant at first; but then, you see, they
+are both absolutely incombustible.
+
+The Fire-engine in the Hall is certainly a little in the way of the
+servants; but then what a comfort it is to feel that with this
+precaution, _and_ powerful hydrants laid on to each floor, _and_
+sleeping in fire-proof beds with one's clothes on, _and_ having an
+outside iron stair-case to each window in the house, we really _are_
+pretty safe against the next conflagration, in spite of the fact that we
+live just opposite a Universal Provider!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIVATE BANKER'S PÆAN.
+
+(_Some way after Shakspeare._)
+
+  I KNOW a Bank whereto the poor man goes.
+  If there too quickly his deposit grows,
+  I fancy _our_ Monopoly may decline,
+  No, no, at Thirty Pounds we'll draw the line,
+  Nor let the Artisan, however thrifty,
+  In the Post-Office pile an annual Fifty.
+  We've floored them this time after a good fight,
+  Government yields, to our extreme delight.
+  We Private Banks are saved, by our teeth's skin.
+  If they the thin end of the wedge slip in,
+  By Jove, they'll open wide the public eyes,
+  And smash up all our snug Monopolies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AMUSEMENT SCARCELY LIKELY TO BE POPULAR WITH CHILDREN.--The
+Switchback.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LONGING FOR A NEW SENSATION.
+
+_Jack (a Naughty Boy, who is always in disgrace, and most deservedly)._
+"I SAY, EFFIE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD LIKE? I SHOULD LIKE TO BE
+ACCUSED OF SOMETHING I'D NEVER DONE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIRE AND WATER.
+
+(_With Apologies to the Shades of the Authors of "Rejected Addresses."_)
+
+  THE Fire Fiend was curst with unquenchable thirst,
+    And his gnomes to his aid having beckoned,
+  From Cornhill to Clapham he flew at a burst,
+  And furious flames soon arose from the first,
+    And volumes of smoke from the second.
+
+  The Fire Fiend was hungry as Moloch of old,
+    And knew not the meaning of pity.
+  The new _Edax Rerum_; voraciously bold,
+  His maw a red gulf that was ready to hold
+    The calcined remains of a City.
+
+  That Phlegethon-gorge might have served as the grave
+    Of man and his works altogether;
+  But SHAW, the new Life-guardsman, swordless but brave,
+  Was ever at hand to extinguish and save,
+    And hold the Red Ogre in tether.
+
+  The Fire Fiend as usual went at full pelt,
+    But SHAW at his heels followed faster,
+  Of leather well tanned were SHAW'S boots and his belt,
+  And his helmet was brazen for fear it should melt,
+    And the Fire Demon knew him as master.
+
+  The Fire Fiend possessed a most hideous phiz,
+    Polyphemus's was not more horrid,
+  Unkempt and unwashed was that visage of his,
+  For water that touched it went off with a whiz!
+    It _was_ so tremendously torrid.
+
+  But SHAW on his enemy kept a cool eye,
+    Of vigilant valour the symbol.
+  Affrighted no more by the Fire Demon's cry
+  Than the squeak of a rat; if the Fire Fiend was spry,
+    His opponent was equally nimble.
+
+  For Water, Fire's foe, at his best freely flows,
+    And the Fire Demon dares not to linger
+  Whenever his enemy turns on the hose;
+  He stands in much fear of this foeman and those
+    Who flock at the lift of his finger.
+
+  The Fire Fiend has schemes, it is credibly said,
+    For laying half London in ashes;
+  But Water--and SHAW--are the things he must dread,
+  And at sight of an engine he shakes his red head,
+    And his teeth like a lunatic gnashes.
+
+  But his fire-gnomes he multiplies lately so fast
+    That the task of repressing them's trying;
+  The flare that they make and the heat that they cast
+  Are so great that the Fiend seems resolved in one blast
+    To set the Metropolis frying.
+
+  He blazes and blazes; SHAW gallops to snatch
+    His prey from its desperate danger;
+  But the Demon's a deuce of a rider to catch,
+  And it taxes brave SHAW to continue a match
+    For the fiery noctivagant ranger.
+
+  And if London is wise she assistance will call,
+    For the Water King needs the alliance
+  Of hands that are sturdy and limbs that are tall,
+  To give the Fire Demon a rattling good fall,
+    And set all his imps at defiance.
+
+  How often his fiery flame-banner outrolled
+    O'er London our bosoms has shaken!
+  The Water King never relaxes his hold,
+  But many a time, if the truth must be told,
+    We have just, only _just_, saved our bacon.
+
+  The Fire-Fiend's a foe of redoubtable might,
+    And it takes a stout fighter to floor him;
+  Yet, in spite of his flames, the ignipotent sprite
+  Has been licked up to now by our fire-quelling knight,
+    Who strides so triumphantly o'er him.
+
+  Look! look! 'tis our Water-King; doesn't he stand
+    Like Michael, o'ercoming the Dragon?
+  Oh! champion braver than he and his band
+  Of brazen-helmed heroes ne'er fought hand to hand,
+    Or emptied a flask or a flagon.
+
+  His sword is an axe, and his spear is a hose,
+    But Paladins famous in story
+  For gallantest charges and swashingest blows,
+  Though demons and dragons they met as their foes
+    Were ne'er more deserving of glory.
+
+  Back, lurid in air, for another regale,
+    The Fire-Fiend who's down but not settled,
+  With fresh bellowsed flame will return without fail,
+  And help to oppose him he'll thankfully hail
+    Our Water-King manly and mettled.
+
+  He is down, but not dead, and his dreadful red head
+    He again will be lifting to-morrow.
+  'Tis Hydrant 'gainst Hydra, and shall it be said
+  That for lack of assistance this demon so dread
+    Shall doom the great City to sorrow?
+
+  This fierce All-devourer is hungry as Time,
+    And would wolf all the world as food-fuel.
+  A champion we have--is his pose not sublime?--
+  And so let us help him--to fail were a crime--
+    To give the Fire Demon his gruel.
+
+  Fierce tyrant is Fire, and his foes are too few
+    For a Fiend so alert and so furious,
+  Would London be safe, gallant SHAW and his crew
+  She must manfully back, and she'll find it won't do
+    In this instance to be too penurious.
+
+[Illustration: THE "FIRE FIEND."
+
+SHAW THE LIFEGUARD MAN. "I'VE GOT HIM UNDER!--BUT I MUST HAVE SUPPORT TO
+_KEEP HIM DOWN_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTRIBUTION.
+
+_Robert (to stingy Old Gent, who had given him a Halfpenny)._ "YOU'LL
+'XCUSE ME, SIR--BUT--WOULD YOU MIND--AH--MAKIN' IT A PENNY, SIR--WHICH
+WE HAS TO DIVIDE IT--'MONGST THE OTHER WAITERS, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT THE MINISTERIAL BANKWET.
+
+HER Majesty's Ministers, so far as I understands these sollem matters,
+don't seam to have been having a partickler cumferal time of it lately.
+BROWN, who's quite a grate Pollytishun, or at any rate thinks hisself
+so, which I spose is pritty much the same thing, says, in his wulgar
+way, as they have been and had 2 or 3 slaps in the face lately as has a
+good deal staggered 'em, but in course he was ony speaking
+paragorically, as the chymists says, so I don't suppose as they was
+werry much hurt by 'em, and they most suttenly didn't show not no sines
+of 'em when, on Wensday last, they all marched in in triumph to receeve
+from the Rite Honnerabel the LORD MARE the proud assurance that in his
+Rite Honnerabel opinion, and in that of the Grand Old Copperashun over
+witch he so royally presides, they had nobly done their dooty, and well
+herned the werry hiest reward as he had it in his power to bestow, wiz.,
+a reel Manshun Ouse Bankwet!
+
+Praps if there was one of the werry Noble and Rite Honnerabel Gestes as
+didn't look quite at his hease, it was the forren Gent as is the
+CHANCESELLER of the XCHECKER, and in course that's werry heasily
+accounted for. Weather men bes Tories, or weather they be Libberals,
+they all likes men as sales strait and sticks to their cullers, and, if
+it's posserbel, nales 'em to the Marst, and never ewen dreams of bawling
+'em down coz the weather's a looking jest a little dusty. Howsumever
+these sollem thorts ain't quite the thing for such reel jowial Bankwets
+as that of Wensday, so I banishes 'em hence without no blessing.
+
+The grate Conserwatif Cheefs seemed to thorowly enjoy the change, and to
+sum on 'em it must have bin a change indeed. Tork about Conserwatifs not
+liking change, how about changing the Ouse of Commons, with their
+spessimens of the Wulgar Tung, and their most rude questions, and their
+imperent mocking larfter, for the splendid Manshun Ouse, and its
+gorgeous Bankwet, and sitch an arty recepshun from onered Aldermen and
+uncommon Councilmen as amost broke sum of the new wine-glasses with
+shaking!
+
+Puncshally as the sillybrated Manshun Ouse Clock struck harf-past seven
+the Prime Minister hentered the Hall, so there was no Hed Cook a cussing
+and a swearing in the hot regions below at his _Chef-doovers_ being
+spylt with waiting. It was a speshally fine dinner, the Petty Gallatins
+o' aspect, and the Wenson, being about the finest as even I ever tasted.
+
+The pore Epping Forest Depputy got pretty well charfed about where the
+Wenson came from, but he bore it like a man, and arsked for another
+slice. I was pleased to notice a great improvement in the way as the
+sacred Loving Cup was passed round, speshally among the Marshonesses and
+Cowntesses, there wasn't above 2 or 3 on 'em as wood grasp it with their
+bootiful little wite hands insted of gracefoolly taking off the cover
+and showing off their dimond rings wen it was hoffered to 'em.
+
+As for the speeches, I thinks as the LORD MARE has about spylt us in
+that respec. His is allers short and sharp, and spoken out like a man,
+but most of the others was so slow and so dredfull careful, and so
+preshus long, that BROWN and me both agreed as they was amost sollum
+enuff for poor Ministers as is out, rayther than for jolly Ministers as
+is in.
+
+We was all werry much shocked, speshally us Hed Waiters, at hearing from
+the LORD MARE as how as sumbody at Guildhall had said as all militerry
+men was Imposters, and all naval men Tom Fools! But the Fust Lord of the
+Admiralty gave it him pretty hot in his absense, and said if as any
+tomfoolery was a goin on anywheres he knew who'd be a taking the lead in
+it! So Sir WILFULL LAWSON will probberbly be a leetle more carefuller in
+future.
+
+Lord SORLSBURY made a werry long speech, but all I coud make out of it
+was two rayther himportant fax. Fustly, that there isn't to be no grate
+Uropean War until after the 9th of nex Nowember, so I feels rayther
+sorry for pore Mr. Alderman DE KEYSER, and Seccondly, that if there is
+to be one anywheres, it will werry possibly be too near home to be
+pleasant, which I for one was werry sorry to hear, but I hardly thort
+that he meant it or he would not have made us all larf so by telling us,
+that the Members of the Ouse of Commons treated it like we men does our
+wives, that is, we has our own opinion on 'em in private, but we don't
+allow not nothink to be said against 'em in Public. Ah! my Lord Markiss,
+how one touch of Natur makes us all kings! Who'd ever have thort that a
+werry Prime Minister would have been troubled with a similar complaint
+to that as so offen trubbles a pore Hed Waiter.
+
+Mr. GOSHEN apollergised for the absense of the pore 1st Lord of the
+Tresury, who was quite nocked up with setting up so late.
+
+And so ended the last of the long seris of grand Bankwets of the rain of
+Lord Mare HANSON, a seris to be rememberd for many long years by all on
+us, as combining with all the reglar old lot, such a wariety of noveltys
+to all sorts and condishuns of sillybrated persons, as has never bin
+ekalled afore, and as will and down his name to a werry remote
+posteriority as HANSON the Magnifisent!
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANNEL TALK.
+
+(_Echoes from the Naval Manoeuvres._)
+
+[Illustration: Any Port in a Storm.]
+
+  "WHAT they're at I can't guess,"
+  Observes Dungeness,
+  "Then the plan you've not read,"
+  Responds Beachy Head,
+  "FREMANTLE went right on:
+  I saw him," says Brighton,
+  "Oh, that's all my eye!"
+  Ejaculates Rye,
+  "Well, he came down my way,"
+  Remarks Pegwell Bay,
+  "Yes, and HEWETT'S his target;
+  That's quite clear," adds Margate,
+  "It seems silly to me,"
+  Sneers Westgate-on-Sea,
+  "Humph! I think it quite real:
+  That I do!" replies Deal,
+  "And they think so on shore,"
+  Says the Light at the Nore,
+  "Well, now it's all over,
+  Thank goodness!" says Dover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NOTE FULL OF GAIETY.--_Loyal Love_, the new piece at the Gaiety,
+requires a little compression. If the Authoress would only reduce it to
+one Act, and have that single scene supplied with a few catchy songs,
+there really is no reason why it should not serve some day as a very
+effective _lever de rideau_ at the Savoy, as a capital foil to a Comic
+Opera. For the rest, Mrs. BASIL POTTER has greatly improved, Mr. WILLARD
+is (as usual) excellent, but the remainder of the company are
+unimportant. Scenery good, and dresses adequate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ZINGS VUN VOOT RÂHZER HAF LEFT OONZET!"
+
+_Herr Wohlgemuth._ "ACH, YA! YOU MUST HAF HAT A FERRY COOT MASTER! YOUR
+FOICE HAS _LASTET_ SO VUNDERFOLLY LONG!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BALLADE OF THE HOUSE.
+
+(_Sung apologetically at a recent Banquet._)
+
+    "You do not know the number of muzzled Ciceros who are sitting in
+    the House of Commons, men who have come from the constituencies
+    conscious of their power, anxious to render service to the
+    State."--_Mr. Goschen at the Mansion House._
+
+  WHAT if garrulity be rife,
+    And what if bald debate,
+  Spun out in empty Party strife,
+    Has sealed the Session's fate!
+  What if the tap-room jest has sped,
+    And hot retort has stirred,
+  While threats to punch a Member's head
+    Have been distinctly heard!
+  Ah, what?--If but the House disclose
+  A score of Muzzled Ciceros!
+
+  What if things are not as they were
+    Some twenty years ago;
+  And manners that might make one stare
+    Are now thought _comme il faut_;
+  What if the tongue of Billingsgate,
+    The grace of Seven Dials,
+  Now modestly subserve the State?
+    There's one at them who smiles,
+  And points to where there sit in rows
+    A score of Muzzled Ciceros!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NAUTICAL SUPERSTITION.--Mr. DAVID JONES, of the Welsh Mercantile Marine,
+Shipowner, proposed to call a vessel recently completed the
+_Eisteddfod_. A Saxon seaman objected to that as an unlucky name,
+because any ship so denominated would be sure to spring a leek.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All the Difference.
+
+    "Every Poet hates to be called 'Mr.'"--_Globe._
+
+  FORMALITY sometimes is Scorn's twin sister--
+    The prefix to the Poet means disaster;
+  But though no Bard would be addressed as "Mister,"
+    How they all love to be addressed as "Master!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY HE WENT.
+
+SOME doubts having been expressed in influential quarters as to the
+genuine character of the Manifesto alleged to have been recently put
+forth to the European Powers by Prince FERDINAND on his entry into
+Bulgaria, the following, whatever subsequent changes may have been
+diplomatically introduced into it prior to publication, may be
+confidently regarded as an authentic transcript of that document in its
+original form.
+
+_To the Crowned Heads of Europe, and others whom it does or does not
+concern, greeting, &c._
+
+Be it known to those who have been interested in, and somewhat mystified
+by our recent movements, that we, FERDINAND THE FIRST, by the voice of
+the Regents, and the will of the Great Sobranje, elected Monarch of
+Bulgaria, wishing to make clear and explain why that we, having
+originally held aloof from any idea of acceptance of the post, and even
+having snubbed the Deputation who came to offer it to us in the name of
+the Bulgarian people, have apparently at the eleventh hour, to the
+exasperation of Russia, the consternation of the Porte, the indifference
+of Germany, the annoyance of Austria, the chagrin of France and the
+hearty amusement of England, suddenly turned round, and accompanied by a
+small portmanteau and a suite of two, accepted the situation and started
+on a penny steam-boat for Sofia, wish to make statement as follows:--
+
+Having discovered upon inquiry that the palace required re-papering and
+was sadly out of repair, with both gas and water-rates seven quarters in
+arrear, while it appeared that both the throne and crown would have to
+be hired, and possibly only a lame omnibus horse available for our use
+at the Coronation procession, and taking in regard the fact that no
+guarantee was forthcoming that our allowance from the Civil List would
+touch anything like £150 a-year, we at first reluctantly decided, spite
+its undeniably flattering nature, to decline the offer so spontaneously
+made to us. And we conveyed as much to the delegates who received the
+news crestfallen, and were about to depart in sulky silence when a
+telegram arrived from Sofia of such an encouraging and startling
+description, that it seemed, to us at least, to put the question in an
+entirely fresh and original light, and in one that we felt might make us
+waver in our determination. It simply announced the fact that the
+Government, never doubting of our acceptance of the crown, had already
+taken the bull by the horns, and ordered _at a local Ready-Made Clothing
+Establishment a complete brand-new Uniform_ for us to wear the moment we
+set our foot on Bulgarian soil. "Buttons and all?" we asked. "Buttons
+and all!" was the reply. This gracious and patriotic, and quite
+unexpected act profoundly touched us. Indeed, it decided us; and when it
+was further intimated to us that _the bill would not be sent in to us_,
+but go to increase the deficit in the forthcoming Budget, we did not
+hesitate, but accepted the full responsibilities of the situation, and
+informed the Deputation that, spite the hostile attitude of Europe, we
+would go to Sofia, and at least "try it on."
+
+Thus, and for this reason, we have started on our venturesome journey,
+whether or not to a successful issue the future alone can show. We have,
+however, made provision for emergency, and stipulated that, in the event
+of any sudden revolution obliging us to scuttle back again over the
+frontiers post haste, the uniform in question shall be regarded as our
+own personal property, and not be liable to be claimed as a royal
+perquisite, and altered to fit our possible successor. This, then, is
+the true statement of the reason that has induced us to assume the
+recent attitude that we have felt constrained to take in the face of the
+European Powers, concerning whom we may add, in conclusion, that their
+laughter if they are amused, or their howling if they are angered, are
+at the present moment equally matters of supreme indifference to us.
+
+(_Signed_)       FERDINAND, _Prince Elect of Bulgaria_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The Fag End of the Session "Keeping a House"]
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Lords, Monday, August 8._--Curious debate in Lords. As
+everyone knows, GEORGE RANGER has given notice to Volunteers that some
+of his tenants in neighbourhood of Wimbledon object to the assembling of
+Camp, and so the tents must be struck. As Commander-in-Chief, GEORGE
+RANGER is, of course, specially solicitous for the prosperity and
+convenience of the great and singularly cheap adjunct to regular forces.
+But as between a landlord's interest and a patriot-soldier's sentiments
+sentiment must take back seat. Nice thing to talk about in after-dinner
+speeches, and at opening of Bazaars; but, GEORGE RANGER regrets to say,
+quite another pair of sleeves in actual life. So Camp must be struck.
+
+To-night WEMYSS brings on Motion deprecating contemplated procedure.
+Removal of the Camp, he said amid cheers, would be "nothing short of a
+national calamity." Would endanger progress if not existence of
+Volunteer movement. Dook behaved most nobly. Declared with tear in his
+voice that he would not be obstacle to free course of debate. Lest Peers
+of England should be awed by his presence when discussing matter of
+"national interest," G. R would withdraw, which he did! Noble Lords made
+free use of their liberty. WANTAGE who, fresh from his command at
+Wimbledon, knows all about it, deplored the contingency. SPENCER
+effectively brought the ultimate ends of his left-hand whisker to
+witness that driving-out of Volunteers from Camp would be "a public
+disaster." HARRIS hinted, on behalf of Government, that British
+tax-payer might somehow be brought into this domestic disturbance, of
+course with hand in breeches-pocket. Might indemnify GEORGE RANGER
+against loss real or imaginary, and so keep Camp for Volunteers.
+
+House of Commons at the moment just entered Committee of Supply, pricked
+up its ears as rumour reached it. Sage of Queen Anne's Gate observes
+that, by merciful dispensation of providence rare in this direction,
+Lords cannot vote money in relief of Royal Dukes or otherwise, and
+Commons may have something to say about Wimbledon when question brought
+before it. _Business done._--Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday._--Lords adjourned at 5.40 this afternoon. Peers left House as
+if bomb had exploded. Only ROSEBERY giving notice that early next
+Session he will "call attention to constitution of House of Peers, and
+move Resolution." Peers of older creation, like BRABOURNE, shocked;
+whilst Old Mother HUBBARD--only just picked up a bargain set of robes,
+nearly new--very uneasy.
+
+"These young Radicals," said BRABOURNE, adjusting his ill-fitting
+coronet, "never satisfied. Must always be bringing themselves to front,
+and reform everything. Why not leave our sacred House to itself.
+ROSEBERY, everybody knows, yearns after the Commons, an institution
+which I believe is situated in some parts of this building. I, for one,
+very glad to get rid of him. Will undertake, if I can get support (which
+I don't doubt), to bring in Bill, legalising ROSEBERY'S dismantling
+himself, and his being qualified to sit in the Commons." HUBBARD (forget
+his new name) offers to back the Bill. "Yes," said BRABOURNE, "that will
+do admirably. You'll stand for new Peers, and so whole House will be
+represented. Impossible that we, of the Ancient Peerage, can brook
+impertinence of this kind."
+
+In Commons sitting impartially divided between Scotch votes in Supply,
+and Technical Education Bill, explained by HART-DYKE. Hard to say which
+division duller. Scotch debate lightened by rather massive joke of
+proposing to reduce salary of Secretary for Scotland by £1,000.
+Unanimous protest of Scotch Members against this office being held by
+Member of House of Lords. If there was £1,500 to be pouched, why should
+not representative of the people have it, instead of being lavished upon
+bloated member of the aristocracy? Things looked so serious, that Lord
+Advocate put up to beg that Members be satisfied with discussion as far
+as it had gone, promising opportunity for renewal to-morrow, when
+(though didn't mention this) care will be taken to have present force
+strong enough to resist raid on Scotch office. Proposal unsuspiciously
+assented to.
+
+_Business done._--Supply.
+
+[Illustration: Earl Sp-nc-r introduces Incontrovertible Argument.]
+
+_Wednesday._--A nicht wi' BURNS. A good drizzling Scotch mist from noon
+till Six o'Clock. Scotch Lunacy, Sheriff of Lanarkshire, Secretary for
+Scotland, Scotch Technical Instruction Bill were among subjects dealt
+with. Might have been going on now had not one of the Scotch Members,
+feeling his brain softening, moved the Closure. Old Morality woke up
+from his sleep in condition of righteous indignation. Here was audacity,
+indeed! An obscure Scotch Member presuming to poach on his preserves, to
+interfere with his sacred privilege of moving Closure! Began in tones of
+mingled sorrow and anger to protest. SPEAKER interposed. Reminded him
+that Closure motion could not be debated. Must be put forthwith. So
+done. Flood of talk stopped. Bill under discussion read Second Time, and
+Old Morality led out, pallid and palpitating.
+
+[Illustration: "Obstruction!"]
+
+Lord Advocate coming back from visiting him, finds passage obstructed by
+ARTHUR BALFOUR. Shall he jump over, or crawl under? Either difficult on
+August day for a stout gentleman. So whispers across barricade that
+"SMITH'S much cut up," and sits down on hither side.
+
+_Business done._--All Scotch.
+
+_Thursday._--Very small attendance in Commons. Considerably over forty
+remain on Opposition Benches to support Sage of Queen Anne's Gate's
+demand for Adjournment, in order to discuss cost and consequences of
+DRUMMOND WOLFE'S pic-nic in the East. Soon as gained consent, general
+exodus, and Sage cheerfully chats across deserted floor with GOSCHEN,
+who takes incessant notes. JOHN DILLON, who, what with intolerable
+interposition of Scotland yesterday, has not made speech since Tuesday,
+breaks in and shows that, next to Ireland, Egypt is most distressful
+country that ever yet was seen. Conversation drags along till after Ten
+o'Clock, when it dies of sheer inanition. Then Government Allotment Bill
+on. HARCOURT makes discovery that it promises only one acre and no cow
+at all. GOSCHEN hauled up again to whipping-post. Taunted with sudden
+conversion to principle of compulsion. True, didn't like compulsion. Had
+always said so, but "impossible for a single member of a Government to
+carry out his views on every point;" whereat Opposition grinned.
+
+_Business done._--Allotments Bill read Second Time.
+
+_Friday._--Some sensation in moderately crowded House at Question Time,
+when report ran round Benches that Sir JOHN PULESTON, Knight, was
+approaching. Slight reaction of disappointment when he entered. Vague,
+though prevalent notion, he'd come down in knightly costume, with vizor
+down (or up, as the case may be), armed "cap and pie," as GENT-DAVIS
+says, with lance in rest, and Squire in attendance. On contrary, lounged
+in just as if nothing had happened, with slightly preoccupied look and
+little start of surprise when congratulated on honour Government had
+done itself. "Oh! ah! yes! Know what you mean. Thanks. It's very hot,
+ain't it?" he said, making way through throng of congratulators.
+"Clywch! Clywch!" roared ABRAHAM, humorously looking over newspaper
+announcing Knighthood.
+
+[Illustration: "Clywch! Clywch!"]
+
+"What's the matter with you?" I asked. "What are you clucking about?"
+
+"I was only coughing in my native tongue," he said. "Clywch! Clywch!"
+
+Various reasons suggested why PULESTON made Knight just now. HOWARD
+VINCENT says it's because he's the only Member for English borough that
+can pronounce the word "Eisteddfod," and knows the plural isn't
+"Eisteddfod_s_". Whatever the reason, everyone heartily pleased. The new
+Knight, they say, will keep his own Table Round. Dean's Yard, Eight
+o'Clock. Dress optional.
+
+_Business done._--Row about Lords' Amendments to Irish Land Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAWFUL (?) LATITUDE.
+
+As "cross examination to credit," has recently been considerably
+developed by certain members of the legal profession, the following
+questions are suggested to students studying for call to the Bar, or
+admission to the roll of Solicitors, as likely to be peculiarly
+conducive to qualification.
+
+_To a Bishop._--When your Lordship was at school were you ever flogged?
+Will you swear it was not for committing petty larceny? Did you ever in
+your life steal an apple? When at the University were you ever sent
+down? Will you undertake to say that you have never been drunk? When you
+were two-and-twenty years of age did you ever swear or use profane
+language? Remember you are on your oath, my Lord, and answer this--will
+you dare to assert that you have never in the whole course of your life
+been guilty of conduct that had it been brought to light would not have
+been a proper theme for denunciation from your Lordship's own pulpit?
+
+_To a General._--Now, Sir, have you ever been accused of cowardice? Is
+it not a fact that some little time before you obtained your first
+commission you were known as "Tell-tale TIT"? Will you swear you have
+never been guilty of cheating? As a matter of fact, did you not
+frequently get a comrade to do your verses at Eton, and then allow your
+tutor to believe that you had written them yourself? Had a
+brother-General been guilty of such a crime, would you have not been
+forced to admit that it was conduct unworthy of an officer and a
+gentleman? As an expert in defining a standard of honour, will you
+venture to say that there is any difference in the degree of shame
+attaching to construing with a concealed crib and cheating at cards?
+
+_To a Queen's Counsel._--Now, Sir, will you----
+
+But no, it will be unnecessary to prepare any questions for a Barrister,
+as _he_ will know how to protect himself from insult.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT LOW WATER MARK.--The Channel Tunnel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+93, August 20, 1887., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, AUGUST 20, 1887 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 33036-8.txt or 33036-8.zip *****
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