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diff --git a/32804.txt b/32804.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4cf2094 --- /dev/null +++ b/32804.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1813 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, +July 23, 1887., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, July 23, 1887. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 13, 2010 [EBook #32804] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 23, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 93 + + * * * * * + + JULY 23, 1887. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MANUAL FOR YOUNG RECITERS. + +No Amateur Reciter can consider himself fully equipped for the +Drawing-room or Platform unless he is furnished with at least one poem +in dialect, and _Mr. Punch_ has accordingly commissioned from his Poet a +recitation couched in the well-known vernacular of Loompshire. +Loompshire, it need hardly be explained, is the county where most of the +stage-rustics come from. The author of this little poem ventures to hope +that philologists will find much deserving of careful study in some of +the local expressions and provincialisms, while he can guarantee their +entire authenticity, as they are mostly of his own invention. The +phraseology is strictly copyright and must not be infringed, except by a +dignitary of archiepiscopal rank for a charitable purpose. As for the +piece itself, it is founded on a little anecdote related to the poet, +which he believes has not hitherto seen the light in a metrical form. It +has a good old-fashioned double title, viz:-- + +MICHAELMAS DAY; OR, HOW TAMMAS PATTLE VERY NEARLY COOKED HIS GOOSE. + +Begin by explaining the situation, thus:--"This is supposed to be spoken +by a Loompshire cottager, who overhears a stranger admiring the goodly +proportions of his goose,"--then start with as broad a drawl as you can +assume. Remember that to be effective you must be unintelligible. + +[Illustration] + + "Bewty," I 'ears ya carl her?--aye, ya niver spooke truthfuller wurred! + Rammack t' coontry side ovver, an ya weaent see no foiner burred! + Passon he axed ma to sell her--but I towld him, "Beaent o' naw use-- + She's as mooch of a Chris'en as moaest," I sez, "if she's nobbut a guse!" + Coom, then! + +(_This coaxingly, to an imaginary bird--be careful not to seem to make +any invidious distinctions among your audience._) + + ... Naaey, but she wunna! she's gotten a wull of her oaen! + Loook at the heye of her,--pink an' greey, loike t'fire in a hopal + stoaen! + Howsiver she sims sa hinnercent-loike, she's a follerin' arl I saaey: + An' I boaert 'er at Kettleby Feaer, I did, two yeaer coom Cannelmas Daaey. + Araminta her neaeme is--but I carls 'er "Minty," fur shoaert, + She weaent naw moor nor a goslin' o' coorse, what taime she wur boaert: + But a' knawed she'd turn oot a rare 'un, to jedge by her weeight an' + feael, + An' I reckoned to fat her by Michaelmas Eve, ef I buzzled 'er oop wi + meael, + Mayhappen ya'll ardly beleaeve ma--but she unnerstood fra' the fust, + What wur hexpected of 'er, (_with a senile chuckle_,) I thowt that + burr'd 'ud ha' bust! + Cram her, a' did! but she swuckered it doon, wi' niver a weaested drop, + Fur she tuk that hinterest in it as she'd ruther ha' choaeked nor stop! + An' she'd foller wheeriver a went--till I hedn't naw peaece fur t' foaek, + "'Ere be TAMMY long of his sweetart!" wur hallus the village joaek! + An' I'd saaey: "'Tis ma Michaelmas denner _I'm_ squirin' aboot, owd chap!" + An' Minty she'd stan' up a' tiptoe, an' fluther her neck, an' flap! + Did I 'appen to gaw of a hevenin, to loook at ma hinion patch? + Minty 'ud coom in along o' meae, an' rarstle aboot, an' scratch, + Cocking her heye at the bed o' saaege, with a kink as mooch as to saaey: + "Wull the saaege an' th' hinions be ready fur _meae_, by toime I be ready + for theey?" + Or she'd snifter at arl the windfalls as ligged i' the horchard graaess, + _I_ knawed what she wur erfter, a did--she wur pickin' 'em oot for the + saaess! + An' I'd roob ma ands fur to see her a ploddlin' across th' roaerd, + (_Tenderly._) "Thee'll mak' a denner, ma pratty," I'd saaey to her, "fit + fur a loaerd!" + Maaein an' boolky she wur as Michaelmas week coom nigh, + "Her'll niver not bulge naw bigger," I sez, "an she art fur to die!" + I knawed she wur doitlin' soomwheer by the pasture under t' moor, + Sa I fetched the chopper an' fettled 'im oop--an' I went fur to do 'er! + (_Grimly._) + An' I chillupped to Araminty, an' oop she rins with a clack, + "Seeae what I've gotten to show 'ee," I sez, (wi' the chopper behind ma + back) + But I looked sa straaenge an callow, she knawed I wur meanin' 'er ill, + An' she kep a sidlin' an' edgin' awaaey, an' a gaaepin' wi' hopen bill! + Then I maaede a grab at her sooden--an' she skirtled off to a feaeld, + Wheer Squire had been diggin' fur fireclaaey--eh, but she yellocked + an' beaeled! + Cloppity-joggle I chaaesed her, sa well as I cud, bein' laaeme, + An' flippity-flopper she kep' on ahead--an' a' squawked out "Shaaeme!" + (_The Amateur Reciter should find little difficulty here in suggesting + something of the intonation of a frightened goose: Pause--then + continue apologetically._) + I wur haaef asheaemed o' mysen' I wur, afoor I coom to the hend, + (_Remorsefully._) "Ye owd ongreaetful guzzard," I thowt, "to gaw killin' + ya hoaenly friend!" + But ma friend wur a Michaelmas denner tew as I hedn't naw art to refuse! + (_More remorsefully._) An' it maaede me seeae what a gowk I'd beeaen to ha' + gotten sa thick with a guse! + Sa I danged 'er well as I slummocked on, as ard as ma legs cud stoomp, + "Waaeit till I gets tha, ma laaedy!" I sez,--when, arl on a + sooden ... Boomp! + --An I wur a sprawlin' an' floppin' in wan of the owd Squire's pits, + But fur t' claaey at t' bottom an' that, I mout ha bin brokken to bits! + An' I roared fur 'elp, fur I cudn't git up, an' the watter wur oop to + my chin. + But nobbudy eerd ma a' beaelin', nor thowt on the hole I wur in! + They'd niver find nawthin but boaens, I knawed, if they'd iver the + gumption to dredge, + Then I groaened (_impressively_)--fur I eerd Araminty a tooklin' 'oop + by the edge! + (_Sulky sarcasm._) "Wunnerful funny, beaent it?" I sez, (I wur feaelin' + fit for to choaek. + To be catched loike a bee in a bottle--an' see her enjyin' the joaek!) + (_Indignantly._) "Hevn't ya naw moor manners," I sez, "ya greaet fat + himpident thing!" + (_Pathetically._) Fur I'd bred her oop from a goslin', I had--and theer + wur the sting! + Well, she left ma aloaen at laaest, an' I hedn't a mossel o' hoaepe-- + When by coom HARRY the hedger, an a' hoickt ma oop with a roaepe! + "Shudn't ha' heerd 'ee, TAMMAS," he sez, "or knawed as owt wur t' + matter-- + Ef it hedn't ha bin fur yon guse o' thine, as coom an raaeised sech + a clatter. + An' drawed ma hon in spite o' mysen--till I moinded the hopen shaaeft!" + (_Catch your breath, then brokenly._) Aye, Minty wur saaevin ma life oop + theer--when I wur a thinkin' she laaeft! + Then I rooshed fur to catch her to coodle and gie her a greaetful kiss-- + Eh, but I right down bloobered (_with pained surprise_)--fur she scatted + awaaey with a hiss! + "Weaen't niver 'urt 'ee ageaen!" I sez, "if thee'll hoaenly forgit what's + past!" + She wur raaere an' stiff fur a bit, she wur--but + (_with a doddering complacency_) I maaede her coom round at last! + An' I had ma Michaelmas denner the saaeme--an' a arty good denner he wur! + Sat down coompany, tew--fur I cudn't ha' done without _her_! + What did we maaeke a meael on? (_Shamefaced confusion here, expressed by + scratching the head._) Well,--happen thee'll think me a haaess-- + But I'll tell 'ee: (_with candour_) I dined wi Minty on the stooffin' + an happle saaess! + +(_Retire without ostentation, to have your jaw set at the nearest +Surgeon's._) + + * * * * * + +SCARCELY WORTH WHILE.--For some personal remarks on the Prince of WALES, +utterly gratuitous and in the worst possible taste, the _P. M. G._, as +we hear, has been dropped by the Service Clubs, and subsequently by the +Turf. As a mark of strong disapprobation this was right enough, but if +it was intended as a punishment which would inflict loss, we are +inclined to think such boycotting may have had exactly the contrary +effect. How happy was THACKERAY'S title "_The Pall Mall Gazette_ written +by gentlemen for gentlemen!" If it is not so now, what have we got +in-STEAD? + + * * * * * + +Philosophy at the Popping Crease. + + "The glorious uncertainty?" why, to be sure + That it _must_ be the slowest should see at a glance, + For Cricket, as long as the sport shall endure, + _Must_ be in its nature a mere game of chance. + "'Tis all pitch and toss;" one can show it is so;-- + 'Tisn't science or strength rules its losses or winnings. + Half depends on the "pitch"--of the wickets, you know, + The rest on the "toss"--for first innings. + + * * * * * + +"GOOD BUSINESS."--An advertiser in the _Daily Chronicle_ of the 12th +inst., has not a bad idea of a fair profit:-- + + BABY-CARRIAGE Bassinette, unsoiled; 4 rubber-wheels, + carriage-springs, reversible hood, handsome rug, complete, L27; cost + L4 10_s._, last month. Mrs. W. + +If "Mrs. W." has not already obtained her price, we sincerely wish she +may get it. She deserves it. + + * * * * * + +"THE BANCROFT SCHOOL."--On Saturday last Prince ALBERT VICTOR laid the +foundation-stone of the new buildings at Woodford. This sounds promising +for the Theatrical Profession. Of course Mr. BANCROFT will take the male +pupils, and Mrs. BANCROFT will instruct "the Spindle side." + + * * * * * + +SARAH B. at the Lyceum, under the management of M. MAYER. May 'er season +be successful! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LE MONDE OU L'ON S'AMUSE." + +_She._ "BY THE BYE, I MET YOUR BROTHER AT DINNER LAST NIGHT. SUCH A +DELIGHTFUL PARTY! _SUCH_ A DINNER!! _SUCH_ FLOWERS!!!" + +_He._ "INDEED! WHERE _WAS_ IT?" + +_She._ "AT THE--A--THE--A----UPON MY WORD, I REALLY _FORGET_ WHOSE +HOUSE IT WAS I WAS DINING AT!"] + + * * * * * + +A DAY OUT. (By Jacques Junior.) + + A fishing, paddling pic-nic! What, to stand + On the lush margent of the gusty stream, + With feet benumbed, and watch the bobbing quill, + And then to dine _al fresco_--not for JACQUES! + Where, for the smooth mahogany of Ind, + The unplaned earth is board; for cushion'd chair + The damp earth, ant-infested, or rough root + Chafing the unaccustomed cuticle; + Where mint sauce th' insecure platter doth o'errun, + With hose and doublet playing Lucifer; + Where glasses must be emptied as they're filled, + To the great prejudice of temperance, + Or, if set down, drops me a spider in, + To spoil the fortune he cannot enjoy, + Like Sir No-Company, who makes a third. + While e'en a grumble, relishabler far + Than that keen sauce of Sparta, is denied. + For one there'll be who'll not let ill alone, + But, "I prithee try this compound; I learnt the knack + In Venice," or, "Thus in England wines are mix'd! + Pray you pronounce upon't." Another, worst, + Will keep all waiting while he spoils good food, + Concocting some vile preparation, + Calling't a Sallet. "Taste in charity, + For Fate's against me; some ingredient + Of utmost import hath been left at home." + And so the wholesome green is all besprent + With bile-disturbing mixture. Out upon't! + I'd rather find a kitten in a stew + Than one of these same preaching salad-bunglers. + What are the uses of _al fresco_ meals? + Who likes a toad, ugly and venomous,-- + Where's such a precious fool--upon the bread? + And they who, in contempt, the Dryad's haunts + Profane with empty bottles and loose papers, + Find tongues in tarts, ants running on their boots, + Wasps in the wine, and salt in everything! + + * * * * * + +AT THE LYCEUM.--Saturday was the last night of Mr. IRVING'S Season,--a +season remarkable for the inexhaustible popularity of _Faust_, produced +in 1885, and for the revival of most of the Lyceum successes, by way of +airing them for American exportation. On this occasion _The Merchant of +Venice_ was given. Miss ELLEN TERRY'S _Portia_ is one of the best +examples of true comedy acting in the present day. Mr. IRVING'S +_Shylock_ is a marvellously subtle impersonation, full of humour, +pathos, and tragic power. After the play he made a short speech bidding +a temporary farewell to his friends. _Mr. Punch_ replies, "Good luck go +with you, _Au revoir!_" + + * * * * * + +THE QUEEN AT HATFIELD. + +[Illustration] + + In days of old in Hatfield halls, + They feasted late and early, + The grave Lord Keeper led the brawls, + And danced beside Lord BURLEIGH. + The stars of great ELIZA'S reign, + Were seen in all their glory, + Smart ESSEX girt with golden chain, + And RALEIGH known to story. + + 'Tis said that 'neath a Hatfield Oak, + ELIZABETH was sitting, + When courtiers hastened there and spoke, + In lowly tones, befitting + The mighty message that they bore; + There, where the leaves waved o'er her, + They hailed her QUEEN from shore to shore, + And humbly bowed before her. + + And now another QUEEN has gone + Where Hatfield lawns are shady; + The ancient oaks have looked upon, + Another gracious Lady. + Once more a CECIL plays the host, + And bows in Royal presence; + What wonder if Queen BESS'S ghost, + Looked down upon the pleasance. + + The past and present seem to meet, + In those historic portals; + Methinks our modern Statesmen greet, + ELIZABETH'S immortals. + And, as the phantoms fade away, + While bells clash from the steeple, + They cry, "Long live VICTORIA, + To bless her loving people!" + + * * * * * + +VERY ANNOYING.--Just when everything was going along so smoothly, just +when the Jubilee police arrangements had been so successful as to +warrant a tribute from Chief Commissioner _Punch_, and a recognition +from Londoners generally, to have these police difficulties suddenly +sprung upon Sir CHARLES WARREN was enough to drive him wild,--enough to +make him a rabid WARREN. But he has taken the right course, and much +good will come out of all this trouble. Cheer up, Sir CHARLES! Anyhow +_you_ are not in for a CASS-tigation. + + * * * * * + +ON Messrs. RICHARD BENTLEY AND SONS' list of books appears _Mr. Hissey's +Journeys in England_. What an unpleasant visitor, if he is only true to +the name of HISSEY, and makes the tour of the Theatres in London and the +provinces. Managers, beware! + + * * * * * + +"MY LAWYER." + +[Crown 8vo., 6_s._ 6_d._, MY LAWYER: A Concise Abridgment of, and +Popular Guide to, the Laws of England. By a Barrister-at-Law.] + + Who was it, when I thought I saw + In something I had signed a flaw, + Gave me my first distaste for law? + My Lawyer. + + Who, when into his hands I fell, + As I my grievance tried to tell, + Around me wove some fatal spell? + My Lawyer. + + Who from my mind at once all trace + Of doubt and fear did quite efface, + And made me think I had a "case"? + My Lawyer. + + Who of all obstacles made light, + And, whether I was wrong or right, + Insisted that I ought to fight? + My Lawyer. + + Who, as I saw the costs increase, + And wished to come to terms of peace, + Declined to let the turmoil cease? + My Lawyer. + + Who daily plagued me more and more, + And every time I passed his door + Charged me straight off thirteen-and-four? + My Lawyer. + + Who, liking not his little games, + When I resolved to waive my claims, + Quick added fuel to the flames? + My Lawyer. + + Who, though some compromise I sought, + And did not wish the matter fought, + Before a jury had it brought? + My Lawyer. + + Who, though at last I got enraged, + The battle still more stoutly waged, + And leading Counsel, three, engaged? + My Lawyer. + + Who, when, of course, my case went wrong, + Because it wasn't worth a song, + Sent in a bill twelve pages long? + My Lawyer. + + And who, now that I'm wiser grown, + And to this book for aid have flown, + Would still on me inflict his own? + My Lawyer. + + Yet now, spite all his legal tricks, + Henceforth this work, price six-and-six, + Shall promptly be, in every fix, + My Lawyer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT'S THE NEXT FASHION?" + + "Varium et mutabile semper + Foemina." + +_Madame France._ "I WONDER WHICH WILL SUIT ME BEST, AFTER ALL. I'M +BEGINNING TO BE TIRED OF THIS."] + + * * * * * + +CRICKET AT LORD'S. + +_Hits by Dumb Crambo, Junior._ + +[Illustration: Some fine Free Hitting.] + +[Illustration: Well Stopped!] + + * * * * * + +THE LESSON OF THE ROYAL REVIEW. + +(_By Our Special Scientific Experimentalist._) + +It was with great satisfaction that I received my orders to visit +Aldershot on the occasion of the Royal Review, "to deduce from the +display the exact position occupied by England amongst the Powers of +Europe as a Military Nation." I felt that hardly a better man could have +been chosen for the task. My experience in the four divisions of the +globe, my knowledge of the wars of the last three quarters of a century, +exactly fitted me for the task. I said to myself, "I am intrusted with +the performance of a solemn and sacred duty. I am asked to carefully +report upon the condition of a large body of men, with a view to +sampling the entire British Army. The large body of men shall have my +careful consideration." Actuated by these worthy motives, I left +Waterloo in the early morn (it was scarcely nine o'clock), and travelled +to Aldershot. + +On my way down I entered into discussion with four civilians, whose +interest in the day's proceedings seemed to be centred in the great +question of lunch. It was in vain that I attempted to sound them upon +the efficiency or the reverse of the Auxiliary Forces (they were all +more or less connected with the Volunteers), because they confined their +conversation to where they were likely to find So-and-So's drag on +Bourley Wood, and where the ---- Volunteer Battalion of the Royal +Such-and-Such a Regiment was situated. + +"What do you think of canvass as a shelter?" I asked, note-book in hand. + +"Oh, a mess-tent is as good a place as anywhere else if the cookery and +wines are all right," was the only reply I received that had the +slightest bearing on the military situation. Then my companions refused +to talk of anything further save the racing fixtures for the following +fortnight. + +At Aldershot I found a number of omnibuses drawn up, labelled "House of +Commons," which were soon occupied by elderly ladies, who appeared to be +excellent representatives of our Legislators. Seeing that the flymen had +arranged a tariff that measured distances with sovereigns, and hours +with bank-notes, I determined to walk to the Long Valley, and my example +was largely followed. Smartly-gowned ladies, and men whose attire +suggested the shady side of Pall-Mall, dispensed with all conveyances, +and sturdily trudged to the review ground, to the intense disgust of the +cabmen, whose harvest could not have been particularly lucrative. The +only vehicles that we saw on the road were waggons filled with +country-folk, and harnessed to heavy lumbering cart-horses, that moved +very deliberately and slowly, and now and again a London coach. A +specimen of the last came up to me just as I was getting out of the +town--it was occupied by a company of ladies and gentlemen with an +up-all-night look about them. As a matter of fact, I believe it had +started shortly after midnight, or thereabouts. I recognised one of the +occupants, who, until he caught my eye, had seemed rather depressed, but +who, upon exchanging greetings with me, assumed a most jovial air, and +seemed quite to wake up. He subsequently told me that he had never +enjoyed himself so much. "Up over-night, you see, then a long drive in +the dawn and early morning, getting to Aldershot before the QUEEN. +Review, lunch, and home again." The last item, I fancy, must have been +rather an anti-climax, although my friend would not admit it. However, I +have a kind of instinct that should there be another big Review, he will +choose the rail in preference to the road. + +As I passed the barracks I could not help admiring the waggery of the +Military Authorities in setting up placards requesting "the Public not +to walk on the grass." The light-hearted Authorities (it is scarcely +necessary to say to those who know the latent humour in the breasts of +the Head-quarters' Staff) had selected a site for these posters where no +grass would grow. From the hurry-skurry observable on all sides, I +gathered that the Procession was on its way--a supposition that was +turned into certainty by the boom of a Royal Salute. And yet I was miles +from my seat! There was only one thing to do--to force my way down a +road that had been closed since nine o'clock. The entrance to this +pathway was guarded by a mounted sentry. I approached him, and showed +him my pass, which made me free of all "camps and bivouacs." He +complained that he was not a "camp," but had nothing to urge in denial +when I insisted that "then he must be a bivouac." As some dozens of +others were attempting to force the passage, he allowed me to pass, and +from that moment practically the British Army was at my mercy. No +provision had been made to deal with spectators when once the gallant +Scots Grey had been passed. Thus I was able to lead the Royal +Procession, and was greatly pleased to find every one on the alert. +Battalion after battalion seemed to me well set up, and the Duke of +CAMBRIDGE with his drawn sabre left nothing to be desired. I inspected +them all, and can certainly say that I had not to stop to re-arrange a +belt or even a general-officer's scabbard. This being the case, my +movements were rapid, but not faster than those of the Derby Dog. In the +fearful heat I found my seat (a very comfortable one) close to the +saluting point, and then was prepared to see the march-past. The bands +struck up. "GEORGE RANGER" waved his sword and there was a shout. Then +came the tramp of armed men, and it occurred to me that after a very +long run, I could scarcely do better than close my eyes. I found by +doing this that I could think the matter out. What had perplexed me on +the road down was how I should find the mess of the particular regiment +that had honoured me with a card of invitation for luncheon. + +I soon made up my mind that I had better ask my way. This I did, and +found the country Constabulary most intelligent. As I had come to +Aldershot to see the soldiers, rather than to enjoy the pleasures of the +table, it would perhaps be out of place to mention here how good lobster +salad is when you are really hungry, and how very grateful to the palate +claret cup appears when one has had nothing to drink for many hours. +Enough to say, I enjoyed myself thoroughly, and catching a train to +Waterloo, was once more at home. + +On reading my notes I find that I have left unanswered the question with +which I commenced this article. I was sent to Aldershot to "deduce from +the display, the exact position occupied by England amongst the Powers +of Europe as a Military Nation." Quite so. Well--but perhaps on second +thoughts I had better get the Editor to send me to another review before +I attempt to solve the problem. + +[Certainly: try it.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +OF THE MASKE-ALINE GENDER. + +The great success of the Gray's Inn _Maske_, has raised in the mind of +some of the critics the consideration whether a revival of this form of +entertainment could not be established. Ever ready to assist in carrying +out a valuable suggestion, _Mr. Punch_ begs to provide a _Scenario_ for +a modern _Maske:_-- + +SCENE I.--_The Exterior of the Castles of_ TORIUS _and_ GLADSTONIUS +_with a view of the Palace of Westminster, seen through the gateway. +Enter_ SESSIONIUS, _who looks about him and ponders_. + +_Sessionius._ This should not be! Such a time as this puts down a +thousand pleasant schemes of summer! When a Bill, an Opposition, and a +Closure are met within the Hall of great St. Stephen's! Let the Ex-M.P. +bless the summer day, but Whigs, Rads, and Tories, needs must nod to the +Sessions Reign. + +_Enter_ VACATIA. + +_Vacatia._ Well, o'ertaken Session! + +_Sessionius._ What's that I see? How dare you approach. D'ye mean to +give the lie to the prophets, who say I shall not be done until October? +Away, thou tempting fancy! Begone! Stay not a moment! + +_Vacatia._ Nay, be not angry! In days gone by thou used to welcome me! +Why is it? + +_Sessionius._ Do you not see I cannot move? With Irish Members and +Coercion Bills, I may stay here for ever! + +VACATIA _weeps, and is appeased by_ TRIPPIUS, _who explains that they +can go unto the seaside by the Sunday trains. Then all go out. Then +enter the_ EXCURSIONISTS, _who sing strange songs in praise of wine and +tobacco. After a while the fun grows fast and furious, and the Scene +changes to_,-- + +THE GARDEN OF PARLIAMENTARY FLOWERS OF SPEECH. + +_First song, wherein the_ SPEAKER _works a charm by which certain Irish +Members dance a measure with sticks, and striking the floor, then one +another's coat-tails, and, lastly, one another's heads. When this is +done,_ HARCOURTIUS _appears in the_ pavan, _or "peacock's strut," and +marches about. He disappears, and there is a Dance of Woodmen with +hatchets by the_ Gladstonian Family. _All this ends merrily with a view +of_ VACATIA _working a change as_ TRIPPIUS _introduces a View of a +possible Autumn Session_. + + * * * * * + +"What I want some fellow to tell me," said Mr. DUFFER, looking up from +an advertisement of a forthcoming sale at Aldridge's, "is--what the +dickens is the use of a _broken_ sporting dog?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A LA PORTE!" + +_Wolff._ "MUST REALLY BE GOING NOW! HAD A DELIGHTFUL TIME OF IT. SPENT A +LOT OF MONEY, AND ENJOYED MYSELF AMAZINGLY. TA! TA!" + +_Sultan._ "SO SORRY YOU'RE GOING. BY THE WAY, I'LL ATTEND TO THAT LITTLE +MATTER YOU CAME ABOUT, AT THE EARLIEST MOMENT POSSIBLE. TA! TA!"] + + * * * * * + +CLEAR AS CRYSTAL; OR, ALL ABOUT IT. + +_Interior of a Railway Carriage on a Suburban Line._ Well-Informed +Politicians _discovered discussing question of the hour_. + +_First Well-Informed Politician (summing up the situation with +confidence)._ Well, that's how it stands. DRUMMOND WOLFF has telegraphed +to say that the thing's no go, and that he can't get 'em to sign. So he +has put the Convention into his pocket, and is coming home as fast as +his legs can carry him. + +_Second Well-Informed Politician (tentatively)._ Pardon me, but I don't +think it has quite come to that, has it? He was to have left, but the +SULTAN, you know, asked him to wait for an audience, or something of +that sort. I saw something about it just now in the paper. [_Hunts up +and down the columns of the "Times" vaguely._ + +_Third Well-Informed Politician._ O yes, I know what you mean. Here; +it's here. (_Produces "Standard."_) Ha! this is it. (_Reads._) "Sir H. +D. WOLFF was to have left yesterday, but having asked an audience to +take leave, and the SULTAN not having named a day for it, his departure +has been postponed." + +_Second Well-Informed Politician._ Yes, that's it. (_Addressing_ First +Well-Informed Politician _with more assurance_.) You see there's +evidently a chance of further negotiation. I shouldn't be surprised to +hear that the thing was settled yet. + +_First Well-Informed Politician (with warmth)._ Stuff, Sir--there'll be +no settlement--and a precious good job too! Who wants any Convention? +Not England. No, we're well out of it, and, what's more, SALISBURY knows +it. + +_Third Well-Informed Politician._ You quite surprise me. Surely Lord +SALISBURY had set his heart on the signing of the Convention. + +_Second Well-Informed Politician._ Oh yes, I'm sure of that. Why, I've +just been reading it--in the Vienna Correspondence, I think it was. +Where was it? [_Again commences a vague hunt up and down the columns of +the "Times."_ + +_First Well-Informed Politician._ Nonsense--I don't care what the +"Vienna Correspondence" says. Tells a pack of lies, I'll be bound. I +tell you SALISBURY'S no fool, and he knows when he has got a free hand. + +_Third Well-Informed Politician (slightly bewildered)._ But I thought +the Convention, don't you know, did give him a free hand--at least, a +sort of a free hand--that's to say, that's the way I took it. + +_Second Well-Informed Politician (brightly)._ Of course. Why that's the +reason France and Russia put the screw on the SULTAN. + +_First Well-Informed Politician._ France and Russia put the screw on! +Stuff, Sir! Who cares for France and Russia? SALISBURY knows a trick or +two worth any game they can play. + +_Fourth Well-Informed Politician (who has been waiting his chance, +putting down the "Daily News")._ I don't suppose _this_ country will +play any game, at all events, till the Grand Old Man's in again. + +_First Well-Informed Politician (hotly)._ What! The Grand Old----! Why, +Sir, what do you mean? Why it's he who's responsible for every blessed +muddle and mess, including this Egyptian business, that has overtaken +the country for the last twenty years. Bless my soul, Sir, I can't +understand your having the face to put forward such an opinion. + +_Fourth Well-Informed Politician (doggedly)._ Oh, you may bluster, but +you won't change my view of things, I can tell you. GLADSTONE'S the man +for Egypt, and for everything else. + +_First Well-Informed Politician (boiling over)._ Confound it, Sir. Do +you wish to insult me. I'll tell you what it is, Sir, I'll----I'll---- +[_Left throwing more light on the situation as scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE. + + [Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL said that the loss of the North Paddington + Election might prove a "blessing in disguise" to the Unionist + Party.] + +_Unhappy Unionist loquitur_:-- + + Oh, GRANDOLPH, GRANDOLPH, was it all your chaff? + I for your _real_ thoughts would give a penny. + Of such strange "blessings" we could spare one half; + We have so many. + + There's SMITH; no doubt _he_ is a blessed boon; + His dash, his sparkle, and his tact are wonders. + But why _does_ he "disguise" them late and soon + As awkward blunders? + + Then BALFOUR; he is courtesy's pure pink, + But why will he persist in masquerading + As cynic rudeness? Such "disguise," I think, + Is most degrading. + + MATTHEWS, again! Yes, he _au fond_ would bless + A Cabinet of angels! 'Tis surprising + To see him as a muddler in a mess + Himself "disguising." + + Then you yourself, my GRANDOLPH! Blessings flow + From your bold eyes and trim moustache so tufty, + But why, sweet benediction, choose to go + So much in _mufti_? + + When you to spot our blunders use those eyes, + And of our errors turn astute detective, + Whate'er the "blessing" may be, the "disguise" + Is most effective. + + The "Union" Cause our Country's cause remains, + But oh! how long shall we remain its bosses, + If all our blessings come disguised as banes, + Our gains as losses? + + Is it, sweet optimist, too much to ask + That you, and all our failures, muddles, messings, + Should, just to comfort us, throw off the mask, + And come _as_ blessings? + + * * * * * + +We were glad to hear that the charges brought against the London +Scottish rested upon the slightest possible foundation. There let them +rest. They will not now change their title to the London Skittish. + + * * * * * + +DUMB CRAMBO AT WIMBLEDON. + +[Illustration: Bar'll cool her] + +[Illustration: An excellent Range-Finder.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DAY IN THE COUNTRY. + +_Little Tommy (who has never been out of Whitechapel before)._ "OH! OH! +OH!" + +_Kind Lady._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER, TOMMY?" _Little Tommy._ "WHY, WHAT A +BIG SKY THEY'VE GOT 'ERE, MISS!"] + + * * * * * + +AT THE NAVAL REVIEW. + +_Neptune (to Vulcan)._ Hillo, Mate, _you_ here? + +_Vulcan._ Yes, my hearty; why _not_? + +_Neptune._ Well, my ancient monopoly's all gone to pot. + You've been "inching it in," for a number of years; + Your Lemnos no longer has charms, it appears + To detain you on shore. Once a Naval Review + To a smithy-smoked game-legged land-lubber like you---- + +_Vulcan._ Oh, avast heaving there, Mate! + +_Neptune._ By Jove, he's as pat + At our nautical patter as DIBDIN, that's flat. + Can't you tip us "_Tom Bowling_"? + +_Vulcan._ Aye! (_sings_) "Here a sheer hulk"---- + +_Neptune._ Oh, stop! _What_ a voice for a chap of your bulk! + 'Tis as shrill as a file-squeak, and equally mellow. + +_Vulcan._ Oh yes, you old Stentor, a big breezy bellow + Is your _sole_ idea of a song. + +_Neptune (offering his 'baccy-box amicably)._ Have a quid? + +_Vulcan._ I don't care if I do. But you know as a kid + After leaving Olympus---- + +_Neptune._ Ha! ha! A fair "chuck." + Poor Juno! She felt she was quite out of luck, + To bear such a skinny young dot-and-go-one. + +_Vulcan._ Oh, if these are your manners---- + +_Neptune._ Pooh! Only my fun. + Fire away with your yarn. Let's see, where had you got to? + +_Vulcan._ You know that I lived some nine years in a grotto, + With Thetis, that _belle_ of the Ocean, and therefore + I'm _not_ such a land-lubber. Not that I care for + Your coarse briny flouts, my old Mulberry-nose. + +_Neptune._ Humph! You've turned a teetotaller now, I suppose, + And should I sing "Hey! Ho! and a bottle of rum," + You'd not join in the song--or the swizzle? + +_Vulcan._ Oh, come, + We have no WILFRID LAWSON in Sicily yet; + All my Cyclops would strike. Yes! I'm game for a "wet." + +_Neptune._ That's hearty. Now, then, you young TRITON, look slippy, + Fetch up t'other bottle. I feel rather nippy. + And then the occasion! BRITANNIA'S my dear, + We must drink to her health in this Jubilee Year. + +_Vulcan._ I'm glad you say "We." + +_Neptune._ Well, I own you are "in it." + I wouldn't dispute your fair claims for a minute, + But they're thundering ugly, your new Iron Walls, + And when a big fight comes,--well, look out for squalls. + This playing at battle is all very grand, + But _I_ think twelve-inch metal much fitter for land. + Wood's the stuff for the sea; that's a point in my _credo._ + That "mount" of yours safe? I don't think a torpedo + A patch on a Sea-horse, or even a Triton. + +_Vulcan._ All right! 'tisn't charged, so there's nothing to frighten. + Things are not now done in your toasting-fork way. + +_Neptune._ Humph! My trident enabled BRITANNIA to sway + In a style that's admitted on every side; + Whilst your guns and torpedoes remain to be tried. + Your ARMSTRONGS and WHITEHEADS may give themselves airs, + But they don't seem to stop periodical "scares." + Perhaps you may wish, when it _does_ come to war, + For the old Man-of-war and the old pig-tailed Tar. + However, old boy, here's the grog. That's a bottle + That might have glug-glug'd down my NELSON'S brave throttle; + It's been in my cellar since Trafalgar. + +_Vulcan._ Truly? + +_Neptune._ Yes. 'Tis a big day,--let us honour it duly; + A splendid wind-up to the Jubilee _fetes_. + Well, manhood and pluck are not matters of date. + Let us hope, when it really does come to a tussle, + That brave British spirit and stout British muscle + May have the same pull as they did in the days + When "yard-arm to yard-arm" was JACK'S favoured phrase, + When death-stored torpedoes and Titan-lipped guns + And steel in huge masses, and fast-flying tons + Had never been dreamed of. Ah! Vulcan, your reign + Has played up rare pranks with my briny domain; + My spirit may sometimes rebel when it dwells on + The jolly old days of DRAKE, BENBOW, and NELSON. + However, we're shipmates to-day, so here goes, + Success to Old England, short shrift to her foes; + My favourite, spite of all change, I confess her. + A bumper, my boy! Here's the QUEEN, and God bless her! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPITHEAD, JULY 23RD, 1887. + +FATHER NEPTUNE (_cheerily_). "WHAT--VULCAN, MY HEARTY! WELL, WE'RE +SHIPMATES NOW, SO HERE'S 'THE QUEEN!'--GOD BLESS HER!!"] + + * * * * * + +LANE AND GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +"Oh, TODGERS'S could do it when it chose! mind that." AUGUSTUS +DRURIOLANUS can "do it," too, when he chooses, mind that, and his +production of _Les Huguenots_ on Monday the 11th was a convincing proof +of this assertion. The _mise-en-scene_ was as perfect as if the Opera +had been a brand new one. The costumes were gorgeous, the scenes +brilliant, and the _jeu de scene_ original and artistic. + +Monsieur MAUREL was an ideal _Count de Nevers_, a chevalier _sans peur +et sans reproche_. Miss ENGLE won all hearts as _Marguerite de Valois_. +"_Non 'Engle' sed 'Angel,'_" as the POPE didn't say. + +The Page was rather weak, but made up in action and archness--the +archness was not confined to the eyes, but was also strikingly exhibited +in another feature--for whatever might have been lacking vocally; and +then of course there were the two brothers, JEAN and EDOUARD DE RESZKE, +always ready to come to the resky. We stopped till the end, and +congratulated ourselves on having heard the very last of the _Huguenots_ +for the first time in our chequered career. We saw Signor FOLI, as +_Marcel_, perform a marriage ceremony between _Valentine_ and _Raoul_, +from which fact we gathered that the _Count de Nevers_ must have been +shot, otherwise _Valentine_ would be a bigamist; and, in fact, the moral +position of the three parties would be an extremely unpleasant one, in +view of their hurried departure from this wicked world, which the +muskets of the soldiers, executing the victims and the dramatist's +design at the same time, compel them to make. The band and choruses were +excellent. + +At the Garden, on Tuesday the 12th, the new Opera, _La Vita per lo +Czar_, was produced and placed on the stage by Signor LAGO, as if it had +been brought out at the beginning of the season instead of the finish. +An eccentric Opera. The first Act fresh as the newly-painted scenery: +full of life, colour, and melody. It started well with a chorus which +was unanimously and enthusiastically encored. Mme. ALBANI was never in +better voice. GAYARRE and DEVOYOD were excellent. The First Act was an +undeniable success, and everybody was happy. + +Then came the Second Act, all chorus, hops, and Poles. No ALBANI, no +GAYARRE, no DEVOYOD. Music pretty, but as TOBY in the Essence of +Parliament puts it, "Business done. None." Curtain down: people a bit +scared. Not accustomed to an Act without Principals. Evidently such an +Unprincipal'd Act must be wrong. Act Third revived all hopes. ALBANI the +bride, GAYARRE the bridegroom, SCALCHI the best boy, DEVOYOD the best +boy's father, a venerable grey-headed peasant, the very reverse of the +mild old gent in LEECH'S picture who was represented by the 'Bus cad as +"a cussin' and a swearin' like hanythink," inasmuch as he is always +either blessing somebody, uttering patriotic sentiments about the CZAR, +or down on his hands and knees with his nose in the dust saying, or +rather singing, his prayers. + +Third Act pleases everybody, raises our hopes, and then in the Fourth +Act we discover, to our amazement, that we are only to see SCALCHI once +again, that we have bidden farewell for ever to ALBANI and GAYARRE, and +that the remainder of the Opera is to be carried on right up to the end +by the heavy father, a chorus of Poles,--all acting well, and not a +stick amongst them,--and a transparency representing the Coronation of +the CZAR. And though the absence of ALBANI, SCALCHI, and GAYARRE made +everyone's heart grow fonder, though we all missed them, yet we "pitied +the sorrows of the poor old man," admired his acting and singing in a +most difficult situation, and agreed with everybody that this strange +Opera was a decided success. The Second scene of the last Act might be +curtailed with advantage. This is speaking only dramatically; perhaps on +a second hearing we should change our opinion. + +However, so ends the Covent Garden Opera Season; it has finished +first,--a good first. + + * * * * * + +The New Silver Coinage will be re-named, until it is re-called, "The +Silber-Goschen." + + * * * * * + +VERB. SAP. + +(_To a Wandering Star._) + + "I am willing to throw in my lot with that of my friend HUXLEY, and + 'to fight to the death' against this wicked and cowardly surrender. + A desperate gamester miscalled a Statesman, has chosen to invoke + ignorant foreign opinion against the instructed opinion of his own + countrymen."--_Professor Tyndall's last Letter to the Times._ + + TYNDALL, TYNDALL, learned star, + How we wonder where you are! + Fizzing up like penny pop, + Coming down on GLADSTONE flop! + + "Desperate gamester!" TYNDALL mine, + Such invective is _not_ fine. + Have _you_ not a card to trump, + Rattling RANDOLPH on the stump? + + Science in her calm retreat + Ought that sort of bosh to beat; + She, whose words should drop like gold, + Must not ape an angry scold. + + Party scribes who rage for pay, + When most rabid write that way, + Politicians of the pot + Perpetrate that sort of rot. + + Just suppose that W. G., + Fancying your remarks too free, + Dubbed you, in polemic rage, + "Sciolist miscalled a sage." + + How you _savants_ would cry "Shame!" + Why should Science only claim + Right to be exceeding rude, + Sourly false and coarsely crude? + + "Wicked! Cowardly!" Oh, bless us! + Hercules in the shirt of Nessus + Did not rage in wilder fashion + Than our TYNDALL in a passion. + + Difference exists no doubt; + Let us calmly fight it out; + But to call each other names + Is the vulgarest of games. + + Honestly one view you hold; + If to differ one makes bold, + Is it fair, Sir, to infer, + That he's rascal, traitor, cur? + + Pooh! That's Party's puerile plan. + Wisdom, Sir, should play the man. + Drop these tart polemic pennings, + Leave that sort of stuff to JENNINGS. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE GILDHALL BALL. + +Afore the Jooblee Seesun is quite gone, I wish to rikkord my sediments +with regard to the show at Gildhall. I never, even in my wildest dreams +of rapshur, xpected to see sitch a site as I seed there. I have, in my +long perfeshnal career, seen lots of Kings, and Queens, and Princes, and +setterer, but in them cases, I mite say, in the grand words of the old +song, "Their Royaltys came by twos and twos, hurrah, hurrah!" But on +that okashun, they acshally cum by shoals; and when they was all +assembled they mustard no less than sixty-wun true-born Royalties. Wat a +site for a treu-blew Conservatif! The mere common compny, such as Common +Counselmen, and setterer, was railed off at a respecful distance, but +they stood by the hour a gazin at 'em with rapshur, altho' none of 'em +hadn't no chairs to sit on. How they all seemed to enwy the mortal +happyness of the Committee-men, who, with their long wands, was alloud +to stand inside the sacred inklosure. I didn't see the Royal Quadreel, +tho' I was told as it wasn't anything werry pertickler as to the +dancing, not at all equal to the dancing at the Hopera. The gineral +compny seemed to suffer terribly from the want of cheers. As I passed +under the Gallery I seed one most charming Lady, drest jest like a +Princess, acshally a sitting on the floor from fatigue, and her husband +a watching over her like a garden angel, tho' he was a Feild Marshall! + +The world may be surprised to learn that Royalty wants its supper jest +like meer common peeple, so there was sum difficulty about waiting on +'em, as of course they had to sup alone, with only the Lord and Lady +Maress with 'em. But one of the most xperienced gentlemen in all London +offered to do it for nothink if he mite slect his staff. + +"I must 'ave ROBERT to wait on me pussunally," says a certain +Illusterious Personidge. "I'm there, your Royal Eyeness," I says, as I +persented the rosewater on my bendid nees. + +I had the almost crushing honner of anding ewery dellycassy of the +season and amost ewery kind of the grandest of Shampains to such a +supper party as praps Urope has never before witnessed. I have nothing +to reweal of the many strange things as I herd on that memroble +occashun, becoz we was all sworn to secrecy, as usual, on a Carving +Nife. I breaks through no law when I says that Royalty werry much +enjoyed its supper. + +I wundered to myself what the feelinx of Royalty must be when they knows +and sees that all they has to do to give thowsands of most respectable +peeple a feeling of rapshur amost imposserbel to realise, is for 'em to +stand still and let 'em gaze at 'em by the hour! One wood think it might +paul upon 'em after a time, but one would be rong. + +With the dipparcher of Royalty the great charm of the nite was gone, the +sun had set and the moon had not risen, to speak pohetically, but the +recklecshun of the Blaze of Royalty that they had been alloud to gaze +on, will last them for long ears and be told to children yet unborn as +the crowning glory of their blessed lives. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOPE FOR ALL. + +_"Coach" (to Volatile Pupil)._ "ARE YOU AT THEOREM B OR C, MR. +TITTERBY?" + +_Mr. T._ "T' TELL Y' TH' TRUTH, SIR, I'M 'AT SEA'--AT SEA, +SIR,--COMPLETELY." [_Chuckles._ (_He turned out an utter failure, was +plucked at College, and had to take to ART-CRITICISM!_)] + + * * * * * + +"MARGARINE." + +(_A Middleman's Lament._) + + "For the protection of the public, all consignments of the spurious + compound that has hitherto, under the title of 'Butterine,' passed + current in the market for genuine butter, will in future be + distinctly labelled and known as 'Margarine.'"--_Trade + Intelligence._ + + Ah! tell me not they've changed thy name, + So long a sweet decoy, + By which I've made my little game, + And palmed off thy alloy. + Of chemicals and horses' fat, + And things not nice or clean, + You were composed; but what of that?-- + You looked like butter in the pat. + Why call you "Margarine"? + + Ah! why the public undeceive? + They bought thee with a will, + And in thy virtues so believe + That they would buy thee still! + Why have such meddling measures framed + By legislation mean? + Alas! thy origin's proclaimed; + No more with butter art thou named, + But henceforth "Margarine"! + + * * * * * + +INAESTHETIC AEDILES. + +Bad luck to the Board of Works in their project of demolishing the +steps, and disfiguring the platform of St. Martin's Church, on the mere +pretence of widening the entrance of the proposed Charing Cross Road. +All my eye and BETTY--namesake, but no relation to the Saint. +Convenience is a mere cloak for their unnecessary Vandalism, a cloak +which St. Martin would never have divided with tasteless beggars. + + * * * * * + +LARKS FOR LEGISLATORS. + + "There would be no departure from the most highly respectable + precedents in holding open-air sittings of the House of Commons, + while its advantages in the hot weather, as regards not only + physical comfort, but mental and moral fitness for the work of the + senator, are too obvious to need enumeration." + +_Daily Paper._ + +SCENE--_The Grounds of the Crystal Palace. The House of Commons +assembled in the Rosary; Reporters (armed with speaking trumpets) in the +Band Stand and on branches of Trees._ + +_The Speaker (in his shirt-sleeves)._ Order, order! I must request +Members to abstain from touching the Fireworks till the evening. + +_Dr. Tanner._ I rise to a point of order, Sir. What are we to do if it +rains? I see no preparation for rigging up an awning over us, and I must +protest against this cowardly attempt on the part of the Government to +stifle, or perhaps I ought to say drown, discussion, and---- + +_The Speaker (interposing)._ If the Hon. Member talks of rain before it +comes, I shall have to suspend him--ahem!--from the nearest tree. +(_Laughter._) The first Order of the Day is the Adjourned Discussion on +the London Local Government Bill. + +_Sir W. Harcourt._ Before the discussion begins I should like to ask +your opinion, Sir, whether it is in order for the First Lord of the +Treasury to go off to the tobogganing slide instead of stopping to +answer questions? ("_Hear! hear!_") + +_The Speaker._ The question is one of some difficulty. I have carefully +examined the precedents, but there is no mention of tobogganing in the +records of this House. I must therefore leave the matter to the good +sense and powers of self-restraint of Hon. and Right Hon. Members. +(_Cheers._) + +_The Attorney-General (resuming the Debate on the London Government +Bill)._ A very much better idea of the different municipal districts +into which the Metropolis will be mapped out can be obtained by +ascending the great Water-Towers, and I therefore propose an adjournment +of half an hour for that purpose. + +[_The Motion is agreed to without a Division. On the expiration of the +time an Hon. Member, who is indistinctly heard by the Reporters, is +understood to propose that the selling of lemonade at sixpence a glass, +without ice, to Members of Parliament constitutes a breach of the +Privileges of the House, but is ruled out of order._ + +_The Speaker._ I call on the ATTORNEY-GENERAL to resume his speech. + +[_Ineffectual search, made all about the Rosary for the_ +ATTORNEY-GENERAL. + +_An Irish Member._ Try the Switch-Back Railway. + +[_Laughter, and cries of "There isn't one!"_ + +Another Member thought that very probably the learned Gentleman had +looked in behind the scenes at the Open-air Ballet. + +[_More Laughter._ + +The Member for the Tower Hamlets (resuming the discussion) proceeded to +dilate on the necessity of more communications being established between +the North and South banks of the River, in any scheme for Municipal +Reform, and alluding to the Tower Bridge erected in the grounds, +remarked that of course Members knew that in half-an-hour the time would +have arrived for it to be illuminated, and for the "Fire-Portraits of +Mr. PARNELL and all his followers" to be lighted (_general cheering_), +and he therefore moved, as a matter of urgent public importance, that +the House do now adjourn, especially as he had felt a few drops of rain, +and had forgotten to bring his umbrella. + +_The Speaker._ Those who are in favour of adjournment say "Aye." (_No +response._) Those who are against it----why, bless me, there's nobody +left! Even the Sergeant-at-Arms has gone off to see the ballet! How +Unparliamentary! Surely those figures coming down the toboggan-slide +can't be Mr. GLADSTONE and Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, racing Mr. SMITH and +the HOME SECRETARY? Why, I believe it is so. How exciting it looks! +Well, this adjourning at nine o'clock is much nicer, after all, than the +old late hours. Al fresco sittings rather a success. Feel rather +all-frisky myself. Think I'll go off and try a toboggan. [_Left +sliding._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S PARLIAMENTARY NAVAL REVIEW. + +(_Fac-simile of Sketch made by Our Special Artist on the spot._)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM + +THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 11._--Another Child of Victory up to-day +in person of BALLANTINE, who won Coventry for the Liberals. "We shall +have quite a family soon," said GLADSTONE, who sat on Front Bench, +arrayed in wonderful summer suit. "Blessings in disguise," GRANDOLPH +calls the new recruits to Opposition forces. But it comes to same thing. + +Old Morality created sensation by openly avowing himself a Separatist. +Is firm with respect to Union with Wales and Ireland, but weak on +Scotland. Confession made in connection with promised Boundary Bill. +PULESTON asked whether Wales was to be included in measure. + +"I have not been able," said RITCHIE, with fine sarcasm, "to separate +Wales from England in my own mind." + +"Is Scotland in the Bill?" asked ANDERSON. + +"No," said Old Morality. + +"Then," said TIM HEALY, "you separate Scotland in your own mind?" This +was awkward; but the truth must be told, and Old Morality told it. + +"I separate Scotland in my own mind," he said, in a voice low but firm. + +Profound sensation on Ministerial Benches. Things looking bad for +Ministry lately, what with Spalding, North Paddington, Coventry, and +Miss CASS. But now, Leader of House having avowed himself a Separatist, +outlook black indeed. + +Elated with having brought out this damaging fact, TIM HEALY went on +rampage for rest of sitting. ARTHUR BALFOUR moved Second Reading of +Irish Land Bill. CHAMBERLAIN, breaking long silence, delivered speech in +support of measure. TIM kept up running commentary, growling, laughing +spasmodically, and interjecting remarks. CHAMBERLAIN an ugly customer to +tackle when at bay. Gave TIM as much as he brought. Wrangling getting a +little high, when SPEAKER interposed, threatened to name TIM. + +"Name away!" TIM sang out, cheerily; but knowing from experience that +SPEAKER not to be trifled with, presently subsided. + +On the whole a small House, and only whilst CHAMBERLAIN speaking any +evidence of interest in proceedings. Next to the unexpected disclosure +of Old Morality's falling away, most startling event of the evening was +announcement by FERGUSON that WOLFF'S pic-nic had already cost the +country L27,000. + +"L27,000!" exclaimed CODDINGTON, making his maiden speech, and that +_sotto voce_. "I'll undertake to say that if it had been proposed to him +at first, WOLFF would have taken the odd seven thousand and closed the +bargain, leaving the tax-payer a clear gain of L20,000." And the Member +for Blackburn softly whistled, and feebly rattled the loose change in +his pocket. + +_Business done._--Irish Land Bill introduced. + +_Tuesday._--WOLFF at door of both Houses. In fact he's there every night +now. Peers and Commons are Unionists in desire to know when the pic-nic +will be over, or, as BRYCE put it to-night amid cheers, "When will +finally and positively terminate the unparalleled and undignified +position in which the country is placed?" In Lords the Markiss disowned +a capital retort the reporters invented for him. On Monday, ROSEBERY +understood to ask whether WOLFF was supposed to be in a state of +suspended animation what time the SULTAN made up his mind. The Markiss +reported to have replied that WOLFF was "rather in a state of animated +expectancy." Capital capping of a joke, only it appears Markiss isn't +personally responsible for it. + +[Illustration: "L27,000!"] + +"It would," he said, with a wink at GRANVILLE, "be disrespectful to use +language like that with respect to Her Majesty's Ambassador." + +HERSCHEL says, Markiss is only mad because he didn't think of it at the +time, and is jealous of the more nimble fancy of the reporters. In the +Commons, BRYCE announces that he will continue nightly to inquire about +WOLFF till he gets satisfactory answers. + +A hot dull night and the Irish Land Bill again. JOHN DILLON had the best +of it, delivering a lively speech to full audience. After this, Members +began to go to dinner, and forgot to return. A full muster on both Front +Benches. GLADSTONE again in summer costume, with a rose in his coat and +a gleam in his eye. Has grown ten years younger in the last fortnight. +Spalding wiped off five years, North Paddington two, and Coventry the +rest. + +"A few more triumphs at the poll," says JOHN MORLEY, "and he'll be +younger than any of us." + +After dinner, GORST made a speech on behalf of Bill. Shrewd, pointed, +and weighty with argument. "Another proof of fatuity of Government," +said PARNELL, who has come back in a brown billycock hat, "that they +don't make more use of GORST. Worth a bushelful of GEORGY HAMILTONS, +GIBSONS, MATTHEWSES, or even SMITHS." + +[Illustration: H(ere) C(omes) E(verybody) Ch-ld-rs.] + +When spirits of House properly attuned, H. C. E. CHILDERS appeared on +the scene, and delivered prodigious speech, through which the few +Members present gently dozed. + +_Business done._--Irish Land Bill. + +_Thursday._--Cheerful presence of ASHBOURNE diffused over Ministerial +Bench in Lords to-night. Not often here. Has given up to Dublin what was +meant for mankind. Always unfeignedly delighted to get back to +Westminster. Business to-night to move the Second Reading of Coercion +Bill. Considerable gathering of Peers, expecting debate, and possible +division. Amazed to find Front Opposition Bench almost empty. GRANVILLE +rises to explain that it is useless to fight measure, and therefore +don't intend to raise debate. ARGYLL furious. Had meant to smash +Opposition, and they had run away! SELBORNE sleekly sarcastic. Admitted +he, too, had speech ready, but would wait for audience on Front Bench +opposite. General feeling of disappointment. Several Peers who had come +down, expecting lively entertainment, wanted their money returned at the +doors. Markiss referred them to GRANVILLE, but GRANVILLE had already +smiled his way out. Bill read Second Time, and sitting comically +collapsed. + +Commons crowded. GRANDOLPH'S name underlined on the bills. Understood he +meant to "go for" the Government. Expectation fully realised. Took the +Land Bill out of BALFOUR'S hands, publicly danced on it, kicked it up +and down floor of House, and finally tore it to shreds. + +"I trust," he said, when, at end of hour's exercise of this kind, +nothing was left of the Bill but its title, "that I have not by these +observations added to the difficulties of the situation." + +"Not at all, not at all," said Old Morality, polite to the last. + +After GRANDOLPH'S finished performance, HARCOURT a little heavy. Humour +rose to highest level when he alluded to JESSE COLLINGS as "the Member +for Three Acres and a Cow." HENRY JAMES deeply offended at levity of +HARCOURT'S tone. This last hit too much for him. Rose and quitted House +amid hilarious cheers from Parnellites. + +[Illustration: "That's the worst of these fellows."] + +"That's the worst of these fellows," said Mr. LEAHY, looking on +reflectively from the Bar. "Now they've begun to associate with +gentlemen, our company's not good enough for them." + +More speeches, including one from PARNELL and another from GLADSTONE. +But GRANDOLPH'S speech worth more than a division; so Second Reading of +Land Bill passed without challenging one. _Business done._--Lords read +Coercion Bill Second Time, Commons the Land Bill. + +_House of Lords, Friday._--Glad it's all over, and nobody shot. At one +time homicide seemed imminent. GRANVILLE, taking note of complaint of +absence of Opposition on previous night, skilfully touched a chord of +human nature. Explained that he had been present till eight o'clock, an +hour which suggested dinner. More than one mouth watered, and a sob of +sympathy was heard from Bench where new Peer, formerly known as +SCLATER-BOOTH, sat. NORTHBROOK, however, obdurate. Introduced statement, +which drew from GRANVILLE quiet remark, "That is not true." NORTHBROOK +hotly resumed his seat, as he said, to give GRANVILLE opportunity for +explanation. Here was a pretty go! LORD CHANCELLOR, with great presence +of mind, adroitly, and apparently accidentally, covered Sword of State +under heap of papers. Who could say what might happen if a bloodthirsty +eye rested on this fortuitous means of attack? GRANVILLE, cool and +self-possessed, repeated his abrupter ejaculations in more delicate, +round-about fashion. + +"I certainly," he observed, defiantly eyeing NORTHBROOK, "said, as far +as my knowledge goes, the statement is inaccurate." + +A moment's breathless silence. The offence was repeated, with the added +insult of mocking phrase. Would NORTHBROOK ask GRANVILLE to "come +outside," or would he swallow the affront? NORTHBROOK looked a moment at +the veteran Leader, noted his resolute look, his straightened figure, +and the forefinger of his right hand dallying with a corner of a paper +containing the Orders of the day, as if he were playing with +pistol-trigger. On the whole, he thought he'd change the subject; which +he did, to the relief of the excited ring of spectators. _Business +done._--Lords passed two stages of Coercion Bill right off. Commons in +Supply. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIR WILLIAM'S SKETCH OF THE GIPSIES ON THE TREASURY +BENCH, JULY 14. + +"Gipsies, said the play, disfigured the children they stole in order +that they might pass them for their own. (_Laughter._) The gipsies on +the Treasury Bench (_renewed laughter_) stole the Bankruptcy Clauses of +the Right Hon. Member for West Birmingham, and disfigured them in order +that they might pass them for their own. (_Cheers and laughter._)"] + + * * * * * + +New Novel, dedicated to Dr. JACKSON of New York: _The Coming Man; or, +The Lost Hair of the Ages_. By BALDER DASH. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. RAM says, of all uniforms she prefers that of the Horrible +Artillery Company. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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