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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.03.09.01*END* +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael Hart] + + + + + +This etext was produced by anonymous Project Gutenberg Volunteers + + + + + +THE PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF +ARTEMUS WARD (CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE) PART 2 + +THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ARTEMUS WARD PART 2, WAR. + +(CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE) + +With a biographical sketch by Melville D. Landon, "Eli Perkins" + +CONTENTS. + +PART II. + +War. + +2.1. The Show is Confiscated. + +2.2. Thrilling Scenes in Dixie. + +2.3. Fourth of July Oration. + +2.4. The War Fever in Baldinsville. + +2.5. A War Meeting. + +2.6. The Draft in Baldinsville. + +2.7. Surrender of Cornwallis. + +2.8. Things in New York. + +2.9. Touching Letter from a Gory Member Of The Home Guard + +2.10. In Canada. + +2.11. The Noble Red Man. + +2.12. Artemus Ward in Richmond. + +2.13. Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales. + + +PART II. WAR. + + +2.1. THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. + +You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many dase +gone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of +the Cappylets, tho I don't know what those is. It's a popler +noospaper frase. + +Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here I've been +among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit +perfeshun, and havn't had no time to weeld my facile quill for +"the Grate Komick paper," if you'll allow me to kote from your +troothful advertisement. + +My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of my +life. If what I've bin threw is "Suthren hosspitality," 'bout +which we've hearn so much, then I feel bound to obsarve that +they made two much of me. They was altogether two lavish with +their attenshuns. + +I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity. I +went in my perfeshernal capacity. I was actooated by one of +the most Loftiest desires which can swell the human Buzzum, +viz.:--to giv the peeple their money's worth, by showin them +Sagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to say air +onsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. I will not call +that man who sez my statoots is humbugs a lier and a hoss +thief, but bring him be4 me and I'll wither him with one of my +scornful frowns. + +But to proseed with my tail. In my travels threw the Sonny +South I heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and bustin up the +Union, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin. The +politicians in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe +(sometimes called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't never be +noggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in varis +ways, but as they was used to that I didn't let it worry me +much, and the Stars and Stripes continued for to wave over my +little tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member of +several other Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a +Dawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me the +infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas! I +was dispinted. State arter State seseshed and it growed +hotter and hotter for the undersined. Things came to a +climbmacks in a small town in Alabamy, where I was premtorally +ordered to haul down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of +red-faced men cum up to the door of my tent ware I was standin +takin money (the arternoon exhibishun had commenst, an' my +Italyun organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes.) "We air +cum, Sir," said a millingtary man in a cockt hat, "upon a hi +and holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin threwout this +sunny land--proudly and defiantly screamin, Sir!" + +"What's the matter with him?" sez I; "don't his vittles sit +well on his stummick?" + +"That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this Brite +and tremenjus land!" + +"Wall, let him SCREAM. If your Eagle can amuse hisself by +screamin, let him went!" The men anoyed me, for I was Bizzy +makin change. + +"We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty--" + +"You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty to visit my +show," said I. + +"We air cum--" + +"And that's the reason you are here!" sez I, larfin one of my +silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him sum +of my sparklin eppygrams. + +"Sir, you're inserlent. The plain question is, will you haul +down the Star-Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern flag!" + +"Nary hist!" Those was my reply. + +"Your wax works and beests is then confisticated, & you air +arrested as a Spy!" + +Sez I, "My fragrant roses of the Southern clime and Bloomin +daffodils, what's the price of whisky in this town, and how +many cubic feet of that seductive flooid can you individooally +hold?" + +They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers was +confisticated. I axed them if that was ginerally the stile +among thieves in that country, to which they also made no +reply, but said I was arrested as a Spy, and must go to +Montgomry in iuns. They was by this time jined by a large +crowd of other Southern patrits, who commenst hollerin "Hang +the baldheaded aberlitionist, and bust up his immoral +exhibition!" I was ceased and tied to a stump, and the crowd +went for my tent--that water-proof pavilion, wherein +instruction and amoosment had been so muchly combined, at 15 +cents per head--and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty- +faced boys was throwin stuns and empty beer bottles at my +massiv brow, and takin other improper liberties with my +person. Resistance was useless, for a varity of reasons, as I +readily obsarved. + +The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin them to +attums. They then went to my money box and confisticated all +the loose change therein contaned. They then went and bust in +my cages, lettin all the animils loose, a small but helthy +tiger among the rest. This tiger has a excentric way of +tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from his gineral +conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun in servin human beins in +the same way if he could get at them. Excuse me if I was +crooil, but I larfed boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring +in among the people. "Go it, my sweet cuss!" I inardly +exclaimed. "I forgive you for bitin off my left thum with all +my heart! Rip 'em up like a bully tiger whose Lare has bin +inwaded by Seseshers!" + +I can't say for certain that the tiger serisly injured any of +them, but as he was seen a few days after, sum miles distant, +with a large and well selected assortment of seats of trowsis +in his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he'd been havin sum +vilent exercise, I rayther guess he did. You will therefore +perceive that they didn't confisticate him much. + +I was carried to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans vial. +The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally +surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good variety, for +when I didn't hanker after Bakin I could help myself to the +cabbige. + +I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, howsever, +and I was very lonely, specially on the first day; so when the +jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the +back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time when I +wore sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state as +possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride: "Stay, +jaler, stay! I am not mad, but soon shall be if you don't +bring me suthin to Talk!" He brung me sum noospapers, for +which I thanked him kindly. + +At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the President +of the Southern Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite, and axed +me to sit down and state my case. I did it, when he larfed +and said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic in +confisticatin my show. + +"Yes," sez I, "they confisticated me too muchly. I had sum +hosses confisticated in the same way onct, but the +confisticaters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in +Injinnapylus." + +"Wall, wall Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart; you air +friendly to the South, I know. Even now we hav many frens in +the North, who sympathize with us, and won't mingle with this +fight." + +"J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of us was your +sincere frends, and thought certin parties amung us was fussin +about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much. +But J. Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry- +goods called the Star-Spangled Banner, the North gits up and +rises en massy, in defence of that banner. Not agin you as +individooals,--not agin the South even--but to save the flag. +We should indeed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart, +milk-white in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we stood +quietly by, and saw this glorus Govyment smashed to pieces, +either by a furrin or a intestine foe. The gentle-harted +mother hates to take her naughty child across her knee, but +she knows it is her dooty to do it. So we shall hate to whip +the naughty South, but we must do it if you don't make back +tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your boots! J. +Davis, it is my decided opinion that the Sonny South is makin +a egrejus mutton-hed of herself!" + +"Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You're two small powder for +me!" sed the President of the Southern Conthieveracy. + +"Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsville Mounted +Hoss Cavalry! I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J. Davis, +beware! Jefferson D., I now leave you! Farewell my gay Saler +Boy! Good-bye, my bold buccaneer! Pirut of the deep blue +sea, adoo! adoo!" + +My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way home was +thrillin enuff for yeller covers. It will form the subjeck of +my next. Betsy Jane and the projeny air well. + +Yours respectively, + +A. Ward. + + +2.2. THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. + +I had a narrer scape from the sonny South. "The swings and +arrers of outrajus fortin," alluded to by Hamlick, warn't +nothin in comparison to my trubles. I come pesky near swearin +sum profane oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't do it, for +I've promist she whose name shall be nameless (except that her +initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the Meetin House at +Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff +together so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my +welthy nabers. But if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I +shall continner on in my present benited state for sum time. + +I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower +from Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions I +thought "the grate komick paper" wouldn't be inriched no more +with my lubrications. Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson D. I +started for the depot. I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a +playin on a banjo, "My Afrikan Brother," sed I, coting from a +Track I onct red, "you belong to a very interestin race. Your +masters is goin to war excloosively on your account." + +"Yes, boss," he replied, "an' I wish 'em honorable graves!" +and he went on playin the banjo, larfin all over and openin +his mouth wide enuff to drive in an old-fashioned 2 wheeled +chaise. + +The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life, +was the scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I +ever saw on wheels afore. "What time does this string of +second-hand coffins leave?" I inquired of the depot master. +He sed direckly, and I went in & sot down. I hadn't more'n +fairly squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister +expression onto his countenance entered the cars, and lookin +very sharp at me, he axed what was my principles? + +"Secesh!" I ansered. "I'm a Dissoluter. I'm in favor of Jeff +Davis, Bowregard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro +Edards, the devil, Mrs. Cunningham and all the rest of 'em." + +"You're in favor of the war?" + +"Certingly. By all means. I'm in favor of this war and also +of the next war. I've been in favor of the next war for over +sixteen years!" + +"War to the knife!" sed the man. + +"Blud, Eargo, Blud!" sed I, tho them words isn't orrigernal +with me, them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded. His +mantle fell onto the author of "The Seven Sisters," who's goin +to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it. + +We got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our jerney at +about the rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by +properly-conducted funeral processions. A hansum yung gal, +with a red musketer bar on the back side of her hed, and a +sassy little black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat +with me. She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat, +and she was a goin for to see her troo love, who had jined the +Southern army, all so bold and gay. So she told me. She was +chilly and I offered her my blanket. + +"Father livin?" I axed. + +"Yes, sir." + +"Got any Uncles?" + +"A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho." + +"Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him! I will be +your Uncle Thomas! Lean on me, my pretty Secesher, and linger +in Blissful repose!" She slept as secoorly as in her own +housen, and didn't disturb the sollum stillness of the night +with 'ary snore! + +At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and +inquired if "Old Wax Works" was on bored. That was the +disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me. "Becawz if +Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man with a face like a +double-breasted lobster, "we're going to hang Old Wax Works!" + +"My illustrious and patriotic Bummers!" sez I, a gittin up and +takin orf my Shappo, "if you allude to A. Ward, it's my +pleasin dooty to inform you that he's ded. He saw the error +of his ways at 15 minutes parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed +hisself with a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five beautiful +tabloos to slow moosic! His last words was: 'My perfeshernal +career is over! I jerk no more!'" + +"And who be you?" + +"I'm a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law offiss. I'm going +up North to steal some spoons and things for the Southern +Army." + +This was satisfactory and the intossicated troopers went orf. +At the next station the pretty little Secessher awoke and sed +she must git out there. I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum +pervisions. "Accept my blessin and this hunk of ginger bred!" +I sed. She thankt me muchly and tript galy away. There's +considerable human nater in a man, and I'm afraid I shall +allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me in +the shape of a nice young gal. + +At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I was dragged +out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for +the purpose of "takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher +kindly stated. + +I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came up +and embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins agin +me, put his nose into my mouth. I returned the compliment by +placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot, when he +kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face. Actooated by +a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then +fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and tore it to the +shoulder. We then vilently bunted out heads together for a +few minutes, danced around a little, and sot down in a +mudpuddle. We riz to our feet agin and by a sudden and adroit +movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist. We +then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two-hoss +wagon. I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about gettin +up agin, but the man sed he reckoned I'd better, and I +conclooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on my +feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me in +the hed. The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I couldn't +zackly see where the lafture come in. I riz and we embraced +agin. We careered madly to a steep bank, when I got the upper +hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the raveen. He +fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty hard. I +understood he was injured. I haven't heard from the +grindstone. + +A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a +apology was doo me. There was a mistake. The crowd had taken +me for another man! I told him not to mention it, and axed +him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about, and got +on bored the train, which had stopped at that station "20 +minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid. It was the +hartiest meal I ever et. + +I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire +crackers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal +in a dramatic pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it. I had +other adventers of a startlin kind, but why continner? Why +lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things? Suffysit +to say I got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last. I made +tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for life +failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before +her, the gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her +only a few months afore. But I went into the pantry, and +brought out a certin black bottle. Raisin it to my lips, I +sed "Here's to you, old gal!" I did it so natral that she +knowed me at once. "Those form! Them voice! That natral +stile of doin things! 'Tis he!" she cried, and rushed into my +arms. It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon. I cum +very near swoundin myself. + +No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union, +and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present +bad fix. + + +2.3. FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. + +Delivered July 4th, at Weathersfield, Connecticut, 1859. + +[I delivered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and +discriminating awjince. I was 96 minits passin a givin pint. +I have revised the orashun, and added sum things which makes +it approposser to the times than it otherwise would be. I +have also corrected the grammers and punktooated it. I do my +own punktooatin now days. The Printers in "Vanity Fair" +offiss can't punktooate worth a cent.] + +FELLER CITIZENS: I've bin honored with a invite to norate +before you to-day; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to +the task, I'm sure you will believe me. + +Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and +patritism the world over, and to be axed to paws and address +you on this my fust perfeshernal tower threw New Englan, +causes me to feel--to feel--I may say it causes me to FEEL. +(Grate applaws. They thought this was one of my +eccentricities, while the fact is I was stuck. This between +you and I.) + +I'm a plane man. I don't know nothin about no ded languages +and am a little shaky on livin ones. There4, expect no flowry +talk from me. What I shall say will be to the pint, right +strate out. + +I'm not a politician and my other habits air good. I've no +enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge. But I'm a Union man. +I luv the Union--it is a Big thing--and it makes my hart bleed +to see a lot of ornery peple a-movin heaven--no, not heaven, +but the other place--and earth, to bust it up. Toe much good +blud was spilt in courtin and marryin that hily respectable +female the Goddess of Liberty, to git a divorce from her now. +My own State of Injianny is celebrated for unhitchin marrid +peple with neatness and dispatch, but you can't get a divorce +from the Goddess up there. Not by no means. The old gal has +behaved herself too well to cast her off now. I'm sorry the +picters don't give her no shoes or stockins, but the band of +stars upon her hed must continner to shine undimd, forever. +I'm for the Union as she air, and withered be the arm of every +ornery cuss who attempts to bust her up. That's me. I hav +sed! [It was a very sweaty day, and at this pint of the +orashun a man fell down with sunstroke. I told the awjince +that considerin the large number of putty gals present I was +more afraid of a DAWTER STROKE. This was impromptoo, and +seemed to amoose them very much.] + +Feller Citizens--I hain't got time to notis the growth of +Ameriky frum the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the +Pilgrim and brawt Plymouth Rock with them, but every skool boy +nose our kareer has been tremenjis. You will excuse me if I +don't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies. Peple which +hung idiotic old wimin for witches, burnt holes in Quakers' +tongues and consined their feller critters to the tredmill and +pillery on the slitest provocashun may hav bin very nice folks +in their way, but I must confess I don't admire their stile, +and will pass them by. I spose they ment well, and so, in the +novel and techin langwidge of the nusepapers, "peas to their +ashis." Thare was no diskount, however, on them brave men who +fit, bled and died in the American Revolushun. We needn't be +afraid of setting 'em up two steep. Like my show, they will +stand any amount of prase. G. Washington was abowt the best +man this world ever sot eyes on. He was a clear-heded, +warm-harted, and stiddy goin man. He never slopt over! The +prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP OVER! [Put +them words in large letters--A. W.] They git filled up and +slop. They Rush Things. They travel too much on the high +presher principle. They git on to the fust poplar hobbyhoss +whitch trots along, not carin a sent whether the beest is even +goin, clear sited and sound or spavined, blind and bawky. Of +course they git throwed eventooally, if not sooner. When they +see the multitood goin it blind they go Pel Mel with it, +instid of exerting theirselves to set it right. They can't +see that the crowd which is now bearin them triumfantly on its +shoulders will soon diskiver its error and cast them into the +hoss pond of Oblivyun, without the slitest hesitashun. +Washington never slopt over. That wasn't George's stile. He +luved his country dearly. He wasn't after the spiles. He was +a human angil in a 3 kornerd hat and knee britches, and we +shan't see his like right away. My frends, we can't all be +Washingtons but we kin all be patrits & behave ourselves in a +human and a Christian manner. When we see a brother goin down +hill to Ruin let us not give him a push, but let us seeze rite +hold of his coat tails and draw him back to Morality. + +Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the character of +seseshers! As well fancy John Bunyan and Dr. Watts in +spangled tites, doin the trapeze in a one-horse circus! + +I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin ten dollars in +Jeff Davis's pocket if he'd never bin born! + + * * * * * * * * + +Be shure and vote at leest once at all elecshuns. Buckle on +yer armer and go to the Poles. See two it that your naber is +there. See that the kripples air provided with carriages. Go +to the poles and stay all day. Bewair of the infamous lise +whitch the Opposishun will be sartin to git up fur perlitical +effek on the eve of eleckshun. To the poles and when you git +there vote jest as you darn please. This is a privilege we +all persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and free +land. + +I see mutch to admire in New Englan. Your gals in partickular +air abowt as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw. They +air fully equal to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny and +will make the bestest kind of wives. It sets my Buzzum on +fire to look at 'em. + + Be still, my sole, be still, + & you, Hart, stop cuttin up! + +I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your enterprise, +gumpshun &c., but your favorit Bevridge I disgust. I allude +to New England Rum. It is wuss nor the korn whisky of +Injianny, which eats threw stone jugs & will turn the stummuck +of the most shiftliss Hog. I seldom seek consolashun in the +flowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid down some of your Rum. +The fust glass indused me to sware like a infooriated trooper. +On takin the secund glass I was seezed with a desire to break +winders, & arter imbibin the third glass I knockt a small boy +down, pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and wildly +commenced readin Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail. Its drefful +stuff--a sort of lickwid litenin, gut up under the personal +supervishun of the devil--tears men's inards all to peaces and +makes their noses blossum as the Lobster. Shun it as you +would a wild hyeny with a firebrand tied to his tale, and +while you air abowt it you will do a first-rate thing for +yourself and everybody abowt you by shunnin all kinds of +intoxicatin lickers. You don't need 'em no more'n a cat needs +2 tales, sayin nothin abowt the trubble and sufferin they +cawse. But unless your inards air cast iron, avoid New +England's favorite Bevrige. + +My frends, I'm dun. I tear myself away from you with tears in +my eyes & a pleasant oder of Onyins abowt my close. In the +langwidge of Mister Catterline to the Rummuns, I go, but +perhaps I shall cum back agin. Adoo, people of Weathersfield. +Be virtoous & you'll be happy! + + +2.4. THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. + +As soon as I'd recooperated my physikil system, I went over +into the village. The peasantry was glad to see me. The +skoolmaster sed it was cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck +among 'em onct more. That's what he called me. I like the +skoolmaster, and allers send him tobacker when I'm off on a +travelin campane. Besides, he is a very sensible man. Such +men must be encouraged. + +They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville, as nothin but a +plank road runs in there twice a week, and that's very much +out of repair. So my nabers wasn't much posted up in regard +to the wars. 'Squire Baxter sed he'd voted the dimicratic +ticket for goin on forty year, and the war was a dam black +republican lie. Jo. Stackpole, who kills hogs for the Squire, +and has got a powerful muscle into his arms, sed he'd bet 5 +dollars he could lick the Crisis in a fair stand-up fight, if +he wouldn't draw a knife on him. So it went--sum was for war, +and sum was for peace. The skoolmaster, however, sed the +Slave Oligarky must cower at the feet of the North ere a year +had flowed by, or pass over his dead corpse. "Esto perpetua!" +he added! "And sine qua non also!" sed I, sternly, wishing to +make a impression onto the villagers. "Requiescat in pace!" +sed the skoolmaster, "Too troo, too troo!" I anserd, "it's a +scanderlus fact!" + +The newspapers got along at last, chock full of war, and the +patriotic fever fairly bust out in Baldinsville. 'Squire +Baxter sed he didn't b'lieve in Coercion, not one of 'em, and +could prove by a file of "Eagles of Liberty" in his garrit, +that it was all a Whig lie, got up to raise the price of +whisky and destroy our other liberties. But the old 'Squire +got putty riley, when he heard how the rebels was cuttin up, +and he sed he reckoned he should skour up his old muskit and +do a little square fitin for the Old Flag, which had allers +bin on the ticket HE'D voted, and he was too old to Bolt now. +The 'Squire is all right at heart, but it takes longer for him +to fill his venerable Biler with steam than it used to when he +was young and frisky. As I previously informed you, I am +Captin of the Baldinsville Company. I riz gradooally but +majestically from drummer's Secretary to my present position. +But I found the ranks wasn't full by no means, and commenced +for to recroot. Havin notist a gineral desire on the part of +young men who are into the crisis to wear eppylits, I +detarmined to have my company composed excloosviely of +offissers, everybody to rank as Brigadeer-Ginral. The +follerin was among the varis questions which I put to +recroots: + + Do you know a masked battery from a hunk of gingerbread? + + Do you know a eppylit from a piece of chalk? + + If I trust you with a real gun, how many men of your own +company do you speck you can manage to kill durin the war? + + Hav you ever heard of Ginral Price of Missouri, and can you +avoid simler accidents in case of a battle? + + Have you ever had the measles, and if so, how many? + + How air you now? + + Show me your tongue, &c., &c. Sum of the questions was +sarcusstical. + +The company filled up rapid, and last Sunday we went to the +meetin house in full uniform. I had a seris time gittin into +my military harness, as it was bilt for me many years ago; but +I finally got inside of it, tho' it fitted me putty clost. +Howsever, onct into it, I lookt fine--in fact, aw-inspirin. +"Do you know me, Mrs. Ward?" sed I, walking into the kitchin. + +"Know you, you old fool? Of course I do." + +I saw at once she did. + +I started for the meetin house, and I'm afraid I tried to walk +too strate, for I cum very near fallin over backards; and in +attemptin to recover myself, my sword got mixed up with my +legs, and I fell in among a choice collection of young ladies, +who was standin near the church door a-seein the sojer boys +come up. My cockt hat fell off, and sumhow my coat tales got +twisted round my neck. The young ladies put their +handkerchers to their mouths and remarked: "Te he," while my +ancient female single friend, Sary Peasley, bust out in a loud +larf. She exercised her mouth so vilently that her new false +teeth fell out onto the ground. + +"Miss Peaseley," sed I, gittin up and dustin myself, "you must +be more careful with them store teeth of your'n or you'll have +to gum it agin!" + +Methinks I had her. + +I'd bin to work hard all the week, and I felt rather snoozy. +I'm 'fraid I did git half asleep, for on hearin the minister +ask, "Why was man made to mourn?" I sed, "I giv it up," havin +a vague idee that it was a condrum. It was a onfortnit +remark, for the whole meetin house lookt at me with mingled +surprise and indignation. I was about risin to a pint of +order, when it suddenly occurd to me whare I was, and I kept +my seat, blushin like the red, red rose--so to speak. + +The next mornin I 'rose with the lark (N.B.--I don't sleep +with the lark, tho.' A goak). + +My little dawter was execootin ballids, accompanyin herself +with the Akordeon, and she wisht me to linger and hear her +sing: "Hark I hear a angel singin, a angel now is onto the +wing." + +"Let him fly, my child!" sed I, a-bucklin on my armer; "I must +forth to my Biz." + +We air progressin pretty well with our drill. As all air +commandin offissers, there ain't no jelusy, and as we air all +exceedin smart, it t'aint worth while to try to outstrip each +other. The idee of a company composed excloosively of +Commanders-in-Chiefs, orriggernated, I spose I skurcely need +say, in these Brane. Considered AS a idee, I flatter myself +it is putty hefty. We've got all the tackticks at our tongs' +ends, but what we particly excel in is restin muskits. We can +rest muskits with anybody. + +Our corpse will do its dooty. We go to the aid of Columby--we +fight for the stars! + +We'll be chopt into sassige meat before we'll exhibit our +cote-tales to the foe. + +We'll fight till there's nothin left of us but our little toes +and even they shall defiantly wiggle! + + "Ever of thee," + A. Ward. + + +2.5. A WAR MEETING. + +Our complaint just now is war meetin's. They've bin havin 'em +bad in varis parts of our cheerful Republic, and nat'rally we +caught 'em here in Baldinsville. They broke out all over us. +They're better attended than the Eclipse was. + +I remember how people poured into our town last Spring to see +the Eclipse. They labored into a impression that they +couldn't see it to home, and so they cum up to our place. I +cleared a very handsome amount of money by exhibitin' the +Eclipse to 'em, in an open-top tent. But the crowds is bigger +now. Posey County is aroused. I may say, indeed, that the +pra-hay-ories of Injianny is on fire. + +Our big meetin' came off the other night, and our old friend +of the "Bugle" was elected Cheerman. + +The "Bugle-Horn of Liberty" is one of Baldinsville's most +eminentest institootions. The advertisements are well- +written, and the deaths and marriages are conducted with +signal ability. The editor, MR. SLINKERS, is a polish'd, +skarcastic writer. Folks in these parts will not soon forgit +how he used up the "Eagle of Freedom," a family journal +published at Snootville, near here. The controversy was about +a plank road. "The road may be, as our cotemporary says, a +humbug; but OUR aunt isn't bald-heded, and WE haven't got a +one-eyed sister Sal! Wonder if the Editor of the "Eagle of +Freedom" sees it?" This used up the "Eagle of Freedom" +feller, because his aunt's head does present a skinn'd +appearance, and his sister SARAH is very much one-eyed. For a +genteel home-thrust, MR. SLINKERS has few ekals. He is a man +of great pluck likewise. He has a fierce nostril, and I +believe upon my soul that if it wasn't absolootly necessary +for him to remain here and announce in his paper, from week to +week, that "our Gov'ment is about to take vig'rous measures to +put down the rebellion"--I b'lieve, upon my soul, this +illustris man would enlist as a Brigadier Gin'ral, and git his +Bounty. + . . . . + +I was fixin myself up to attend the great war meetin', when my +daughter entered with a young man who was evijently from the +city, and who wore long hair, and had a wild expression into +his eye. In one hand he carried a port-folio, and his other +paw claspt a bunch of small brushes. My daughter introduced +him as MR. SWEIBIER, the distinguished landscape painter from +Philadelphy. + +"He is a artist, papa. Here is one of his master-pieces--a +young mother gazin' admirin'ly upon her first-born," and my +daughter showed me a really pretty picter, done in ile. "Is +it not beautiful, papa? He throws so much soul into his +work." + +"Does he? does he?" said I--"well, I reckon I'd better hire +him to whitewash our fence. It needs it. What will you +charge, sir," I continued, "to throw some soul into my fence?" + +My daughter went out of the room in very short meeter, takin' +the artist with her, and from the emphatical manner in which +the door slam'd, I concluded she was summat disgusted at my +remarks. She closed the door, I may say, in ITALICS. I went +into the closet and larfed all alone by myself for over half +an hour. I larfed so vi'lently that the preserve jars rattled +like a cavalry offisser's sword and things, which it aroused +my BETSY, who came and opened the door pretty suddent. She +seized me by the few lonely hairs that still linger sadly upon +my bare-footed hed, and dragged me out of the closet, +incidentally obsarving that she didn't exactly see why she +should be compelled, at her advanced stage of life, to open a +assylum for sooperanooated idiots. + +My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho' she +isn't always gentle as a lamb, with mint sauce. No, not +always. + +But to return to the war meetin'. It was largely attended. +The Editor of the "Bugle" arose and got up and said the fact +could no longer be disguised that we were involved in a war. +"Human gore," said he, "is flowin'. All able-bodied men +should seize a musket and march to the tented field. I repeat +it sir, to the tented field." + +A voice--"Why don't you go yourself, you old blowhard?" + +"I am identified, young man, with a Arkymedian leaver which +moves the world," said the Editor, wiping his auburn brow with +his left coat-tail; "I allude, young man, to the press: +Terms, two dollars a year, invariably in advance. Job +printing executed with neatness and dispatch!" And with this +brilliant bust of elekance the Editor introduced Mr. J. Brutus +Hinkins, who is suffering from an attack of College in a +naberin' place. Mr. Hinkins said Washington was not safe. +Who can save our national capeetle? + +"DAN SETCHELL," I said. "He can do it afternoons. Let him +plant his light and airy form onto the Long Bridge, make faces +at the hirelin' foe, and they'll skedaddle! Old SETCH can do +it." + +"I call the Napoleon of Showmen," said the Editor of the +"Bugle,"--"I call that Napoleonic man, whose life is adorned +with so many noble virtues, and whose giant mind lights up +this warlike scene--I call him to order." + +I will remark, in this connection, that the Editor of the +"Bugle" does my job printing. + +"You," said Mr. Hinkins, "who live away from the busy haunts +of men do not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis. The +busy haunts of men is where people comprehend this crisis. We +who live in the busy haunts of men--that is to say, we dwell, +as it were, in the busy haunts of men." + +"I really trust that the gen'l'man will not fail to say +suthin' about the busy haunts of men before he sits down," +said I. + +"I claim the right to express my sentiments here," said Mr. +Hinkins, in a slightly indignant tone, "and I shall brook no +interruption, if I am a Softmore." + +"You couldn't be MORE SOFT, my young friend," I observed, +whereupon there was cries of Order! order!" + +"I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally," said the +young man. + +"You might inlist as a liberty-pole," said I, in a silvery +whisper. + +"But," he added, "I have a voice, and that voice is for war." +The young man then closed his speech with some strikin and +orginal remarks in relation to the star-spangled banner. He +was followed by the village minister, a very worthy man +indeed, but whose sermons have a tendency to make people sleep +pretty industriously. + +"I am willin' to inlist for one," he said. + +"What's your weight, parson?" I asked. + +"A hundred and sixty pounds," he said. + +"Well, you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of +morphine, your dooty bein' to stand in the hospitals arter a +battle, and preach while the surgical operations is bein' +performed! Think how much you'd save the Gov'ment in +morphine." + +He didn't seem to see it; but he made a good speech, and the +editor of the "Bugle" rose to read the resolutions, commencin' +as follers: + +RESOLVED, That we view with anxiety the fact that there is now +a war goin' on, and + +RESOLVED, That we believe Stonewall Jackson sympathizes with +the secession movement, and that we hope the nine-months men-- + +At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery +footsteps on the stairs, and a party of wimin, carryin' guns +and led by BETSY JANE, who brandish'd a loud and rattlin' +umbereller, burst into the room. + +"Here," cried I, "are some nine-months wimin!" + +"Mrs. Ward," said the editor of the "Bugle"--"Mrs. WARD and +ladies, what means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration?" + +"It means," said that remarkable female "that you men air +makin' fools of yourselves. You air willin' to talk and urge +others to go to the wars, but you don't go to the wars +yourselves. War meetin's is very nice in their way, but they +don't keep STONEWALL JACKSON from comin' over to Maryland and +helpin' himself to the fattest beef critters. What we want is +more cider and less talk. We want you able-bodied men to stop +speechifying, which don't 'mount to the wiggle of a sick cat's +tail, and to go fi'tin'; otherwise you can stay to home and +take keer of the children, while we wimin will go to the +wars!" + +"Gentl'man," said I, "that's my wife! Go in, old gal!" and I +throw'd up my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters. + +"Is this roll-book to be filled up with the names of men or +wimin?" she cried. + +"With men--with men!" and our quoty was made up that very +night. + +There is a great deal of gas about these war meetin's. A war +meetin', in fact, without gas, would be suthin' like the play +of HAMLET with the part of OTHELLO omitted. + +Still believin' that the Goddess of Liberty is about as well +sot up with as any young lady in distress could expect to be, +I am + Yours more'n anybody else's, + A. Ward. + + +2.6. THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. + +If I'm drafted I shall RESIGN. + +Deeply grateful for the onexpected honor thus confered upon me +I shall feel compeld to resign the position in favor of sum +more worthy person. Modesty is what ails me. That's what's +kept me under. + +I meanter-say, I shall hav to resign if I'm drafted +everywheres I've bin inrold. I must now, furrinstuns, be +inrold in upards of 200 different towns. If I'd kept on +travelin' I should hav eventooaly becum a Brigade, in which +case I could have held a meetin' and elected myself Brigadeer- +ginral quite unanimiss. I hadn't no idea there was so many of +me before. But, serisly, I concluded to stop exhibitin', and +made tracks for Baldinsville. + +My only daughter threw herself onto my boosum, and said, "It +is me fayther! I thank the gods!" + +She reads the "Ledger." + +"Tip us yer bunch of fives, old faker!" said ARTEMUS, Jr. He +reads the "Clipper." + +My wife was to the sowin' circle. I knew she and the wimin +folks was havin' a pleasant time slanderin' the females of the +OTHER sowin' circle (which likewise met that arternoon, and +was doubtless enjoyin' theirselves ekally well in slanderin' +the fust-named circle), and I didn't send for her. I allus +like to see people enjoy theirselves. + +My son ORGUSTUS was playin' onto a floot. + +ORGUSTUS is a ethereal cuss. The twins was bildin' cob-houses +in a corner of the kitchin'. + +It'll cost some postage-stamps to raise this fam'ly, and yet +it 'ud go hard with the old man to lose any lamb of the flock. + +An old bachelor is a poor critter. He may have hearn the +skylark or (what's nearly the same thing) MISS KELLOGG and +CARLOTTY PATTI sing; he may have hearn OLE BULL fiddle, and +all the DODWORTHS toot, an' yet he don't know nothin' about +music--the real, ginuine thing--the music of the laughter of +happy, well-fed children! And you may ax the father of sich +children home to dinner, feelin werry sure there'll be no +spoons missin' when he goes away. Sich fathers never drop tin +five-cent pieces into the contribution box, nor palm shoe-pegs +off onto blind hosses for oats, nor skedaddle to British sile +when their country's in danger--nor do anything which is +really mean. I don't mean to intimate that the old bachelor +is up to little games of this sort--not at all--but I repeat, +he's a poor critter. He don't live here; only stays. He +ought to 'pologize on behalf of his parients, for bein' here +at all. The happy marrid man dies in good stile at home, +surrounded by his weeping wife and children. The old bachelor +don't die at all--he sort of rots away, like a pollywog's +tail. + . . . . + +My townsmen were sort o' demoralized. There was a evident +desine to ewade the Draft, as I obsarved with sorrer, and +patritism was below Par--and MAR, too. [A jew desprit.] I +hadn't no sooner sot down on the piazzy of the tavoun than I +saw sixteen solitary hossmen, ridin' four abreast, wendin' +their way up the street. + +"What's them? Is it cavilry?" + +"That," said the landlord, "is the stage. Sixteen able-bodied +citizens has literally bo't the stage line 'tween here and +Scotsburg. That's them. They're Stage-drivers. Stage- +drivers is exempt!" + +I saw that each stage-driver carried a letter in his left +hand. + +"The mail is hevy, to-day," said the landlord. "Gin'rally +they don't have more'n half a dozen letters 'tween 'em. To- +day they're got one a piece! Bile my lights and liver!" + +"And the passengers?" + +"There ain't any, skacely, now-days," said the landlord, "and +what few ther is very much prefer to walk, the roads is so +rough." + +"And how ist with you?" I inquired of the editor of the +"Bugle-Horn of Liberty," who sot near me. + +"I can't go," he said, shakin' his head in a wise way. +"Ordinarily I should delight to wade in gore, but my bleedin' +country bids me stay at home. It is imperatively necessary +that I remain here for the purpose of announcin', from week to +week, that OUR GOV'MENT IS ABOUT TO TAKE VIGOROUS MEASURES TO +PUT DOWN THE REBELLION!" + +I strolled into the village oyster-saloon, where I found Dr. +SCHWAZEY, a leadin' citizen in a state of mind which showed +that he'd bin histin' in more'n his share of pizen. + +"Hello, old Beeswax," he bellered; "how's yer grandmams? When +you goin' to feed your stuffed animils?" + +"What's the matter with the eminent physician?" I pleasantly +inquired. + +"This," he said; "this is what's the matter. I'm a habit-ooal +drunkard! I'm exempt!" + +"Jes' so." + +"Do you see them beans, old man?" and he pinted to a plate +before him. "Do you see 'em?" + +"I do. They are a cheerful fruit when used tempritly." + +"Well," said he, "I hadn't eat anything since last week. I +eat beans now BECAUSE I eat beans THEN. I never mix my +vittles!" + +"It's quite proper you should eat a little suthin' once in a +while," I said. "It's a good idee to occasionally instruct +the stummick that it mustn't depend excloosively on licker for +its sustainance." + +"A blessin'," he cried; "a blessin' onto the hed of the man +what invented beans. A blessin' onto his hed!" + +"Which his name is GILSON! He's a first family of Bostin," +said I. + . . . . + +This is a speciment of how things was goin' in my place of +residence. + . . . . + +A few was true blue. The schoolmaster was among 'em. He +greeted me warmly. He said I was welkim to those shores. He +said I had a massiv mind. It was gratifyin', he said, to see +the great intelleck stalkin' in their midst onct more. I have +before had occasion to notice this schoolmaster. He is +evidently a young man of far more than ord'nary talents. + +The schoolmaster proposed we should git up a mass meetin'. +The meetin' was largely attended. We held it in the open air +round a roarin' bonfire. + +The schoolmaster was the first orator. He's pretty good on +the speak. He also writes well, his composition bein' seldom +marred by ingrammatticisms. He said this inactivity surprised +him. "What do you expect will come of this kind of doin's? +Nihil fit--" + +"Hooray for Nihil!" I interrupted. "Fellow-citizens, let's +giv three cheers for Nihil, the man who fit!" + +The schoolmaster turned a little red, but repeated--"Nihil +fit." + +"Exactly," I said. "Nihil FIT. He wasn't a strategy feller." + +"Our venerable friend," said the schoolmaster, smilin' +pleasantly, "isn't posted in Virgil." + +"No, I don't know him. But if he's a able-bodied man he must +stand his little draft." + +The schoolmaster wound up in eloquent style, and the +subscriber took the stand. + +I said the crisis had not only cum itself, but it had brought +all its relations. It has cum, I said, with a evident +intention of makin' us a good long visit. It's goin' to take +off its things and stop with us. My wife says so too. This +is a good war. For those who like this war, it's just such a +kind of war as they like. I'll bet ye. My wife says so too. +If the Federal army succeeds in takin' Washington, and they +seem to be advancin' that way pretty often, I shall say it is +strategy, and Washington will be safe. And that noble banner, +as it were--that banner, as it were--will be a emblem, or +rather, I should say, that noble banner--AS IT WERE. My wife +says so too. [I got a little mixed up here, but they didn't +notice it. Keep mum.] Feller citizens, it will be a proud +day for this Republic when Washington is safe. My wife says +so too. + +The editor of the "Bugle-Horn of Liberty" here arose and said: +"I do not wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a impertant +despatch has just bin received at the telegraph office here. +I will read it. It is as follows: GOV'MENT IS ABOUT TO TAKE +VIGOROUS MEASURES TO PUT DOWN THE REBELLION! [Loud applause.] + +That, said I, is cheering. That's soothing. And Washington +will be safe. [Sensation.] Philadelphia is safe. Gen. +PATTERSON'S in Philadelphia. But my heart bleeds partic'ly +for Washington. My wife says so too. + +There's money enough. No trouble about MONEY. They've got a +lot of first-class bank-note engravers at Washington (which +place, I regret to say, is by no means safe) who turn out two +or three cords of money a day--good money, too. Goes well. +These bank-note engravers made good wages. I expect they lay +up property. They are full of Union sentiment. There is +considerable Union sentiment in Virginny, more especially +among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah valley. My wife +says so too. + +Then it isn't money we want. But we do want MEN, and we must +have them. We must carry a whirlwind of fire among the foe. +We must crush the ungrateful rebels who are poundin' the +Goddess of Liberty over the head with slung-shots, and +stabbin' her with stolen knives! We must lick 'em quick. We +must introduce a large number of first-class funerals among +the people of the South. Betsy says so too. + +This war hain't been too well managed. We all know that. +What then? We are all in the same boat--if the boat goes +down, we go down with her. Hence we must all fight. It ain't +no use to talk now about who CAUSED the war. That's played +out. The war is upon us--upon us all--and we must all fight. +We can't "reason" the matter with the foe. When, in the broad +glare of the noonday sun, a speckled jackass boldly and +maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand, do we "reason" with +him? I guess not. And why "reason" with those other Southern +people who are trying to kick over the Republic! Betsy, my +wife, says so too. + +The meeting broke up with enthusiasm. + +We shan't draft in Baldinsville if we can help it. + + +2.7. SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. + +It was customary in many of the inland towns of New England, +some thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the +surrender of Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that +important event in the history of the Revolutionary War. A +town meeting would be called, at which a company of men would +be detailed as British, and a company as Americans--two +leading citizens being selected to represent Washington and +Cornwallis in mimic surrender. + +The pleasant little town of W--, in whose schools the writer +has been repeatedly "corrected," upon whose ponds he has often +skated, upon whose richest orchards he has, with other +juvenile bandits, many times dashed in the silent midnight; +the town of W--, where it was popularly believed these bandits +would "come to a bad end," resolved to celebrate the +surrender. Rival towns had celebrated, and W-- determined to +eclipse them in the most signal manner. It is my privilege to +tell how W-- succeeded in this determination. + +The great day came. It was ushered in by the roar of +musketry, the ringing of the village church bell, the +squeaking of fifes, and the rattling of drums. + +People poured into the village from all over the county. +Never had W-- experienced such a jam. Never had there been +such an onslaught upon gingerbread carts. Never had New +England rum (for this was before Neal Dow's day) flowed so +freely. And W--'s fair daughters, who mounted the house-tops +to see the surrender, had never looked fairer. The old folks +came, too, and among them were several war-scarred heroes, who +had fought gallantly at Monmouth and Yorktown. These brave +sons of '76 took no part in the demonstration, but an honored +bench was set apart for their exclusive use on the piazza of +Sile Smith's store. When they were dry all they had to do was +to sing out to Sile's boy, Jerry, "a leetle New Englan' this +way, if YOU please." It was brought forthwith. + +At precisely 9 o'clock, by the schoolmaster's new "Lepeen" +watch, the American and British forces marched on to the +village green and placed themselves in battle array, reminding +the spectator of the time when + + "Brave Wolfe drew up his men + In a style most pretty, + On the Plains of Abraham + Before the city." + +The character of Washington had been assigned to 'Squire Wood, +a well-to-do and influential farmer, while that of Cornwallis +had been given to the village lawyer, a kind-hearted but +rather pompous person, whose name was Caleb Jones. + +'Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, had met with +many unexpected difficulties in preparing his forces, and in +his perplexity he had emptied not only his own canteen but +those of most of his aids. The consequence was--mortifying as +it must be to all true Americans--blushing as I do to tell it, +Washington at the commencement of the mimic struggle was most +unqualifiedly drunk. + +The sham fight commenced. Bang! bang! bang! from the +Americans--bang! bang! bang! from the British. The bangs were +kept hotly up until the powder gave out, and then came the +order to charge. Hundreds of wooden bayonets flashed fiercely +in the sunlight, each soldier taking very good care not to hit +anybody. + +"Thaz (hic) right," shouted Washington, who during the +shooting had been racing his horse wildly up and down the +line, "thaz right! GIN it to 'em! Cut their tarnal heads +off!" + +"On, Romans!" shrieked Cornwallis, who had once seen a +theatrical performance and remembered the heroic appeals of +the Thespian belligerents, "on to the fray! No sleep till +mornin'." + +"Let eout all their bowels," yelled Washington, "and down with +taxation on tea!" + +The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were properly +arranged, and Cornwallis, dismounting, prepared to present his +sword to Washington according to programme. As he walked +slowly towards the Father of His Country he rehearsed the +little speech he had committed for the occasion, while the +illustrious being who was to hear it was making desperate +efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would wildly brandish +his sword and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's ears, +and then he would fall suddenly forward on to the steed's +neck, grasping the mane as drowning men seize hold of straws. +He was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on +horseback. All idea of the magnitude of the occasion had left +him, and when he saw Cornwallis approaching, with slow and +stately step, and sword-hilt extended toward him, he inquired, + +"What'n devil YOU want, any (hic) how!" + +"General Washington," said Cornwallis, in dignified and +impressive tones, "I tender you my sword. I need not inform +you, Sir, how deeply--" + +The speech was here suddenly cut short by Washington, who, +driving the spurs into his horse, playfully attempted to ride +over the commander of the British forces. He was not +permitted to do this, for his aids, seeing his unfortunate +condition, seized the horse by the bridle, straightened +Washington up in his saddle, and requested Cornwallis to +proceed with his remarks. + +"General Washington," said Cornwallis, "the British Lion +prostrates himself at the feet of the American Eagle!" + +"EAGLE? EAGLE!" yelled the infuriated Washington, rolling off +his horse and hitting Cornwallis a frightful blow on the head +with the flat of his sword, "do you call me a EAGLE, you mean, +sneakin' cuss?" He struck him again, sending him to the +ground, and said, "I'll learn you to call me a Eagle, you +infernal scoundrel!" + +Cornwallis remained upon the ground only a moment. Smarting +from the blows he had received, he arose with an entirely +unlooked for recuperation on the part of the fallen, and in +direct defiance of historical example; in spite of the men of +both nations, indeed, he whipped the Immortal Washington until +he roared for mercy. + +The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at the conduct +of their chief, now began to sympathize with him, and resolved +to whip their mock foes in earnest. They rushed fiercely upon +them, but the British were really the stronger party and drove +the Americans back. Not content with this they charged madly +upon them and drove them from the field--from the village, in +fact. There were many heads damaged, eyes draped in mourning, +noses fractured and legs lamed--it is a wonder that no one was +killed outright. + +Washington was confined to his house for several weeks, but he +recovered at last. For a time there was a coolness between +himself and Cornwallis, but they finally concluded to join the +whole county in laughing about the surrender. + +They live now. Time, the "artist," has thoroughly whitewashed +their heads, but they are very jolly still. On town meeting +days the old 'Squire always rides down to the village. In the +hind part of his venerable yellow wagon is always a bunch of +hay, ostensibly for the old white horse, but really to hide a +glass bottle from the vulgar gaze. This bottle has on one +side a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other may be seen +the Goddess of Liberty. What the bottle contains inside I +cannot positively say, but it is true that 'Squire Wood and +Lawyer Jones visit that bottle very frequently on town-meeting +days and come back looking quite red in the face. When this +redness in the face becomes of the blazing kind, as it +generally does by the time the polls close, a short dialogue +like this may be heard. + +"We shall never play surrender again, Lawyer Jones." + +"Them days is over, 'Squire Wood!" + + +2.8. THINGS IN NEW YORK. + +The stoodent and connyseer must have noticed and admired in +varis parts of the United States of America large yeller +hanbills, which not only air gems of art in theirselves, but +they troothfully sit forth the attractions of my show--a show, +let me here obsarve, that contains many livin' wild animils, +every one of which has got a Beautiful Moral. + +Them hanbills is sculpt in New York. + +& I annoolly repair here to git some more on 'um; + +&, bein' here, I tho't I'd issoo a Adress to the public on +matters and things. + +Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all over the +Pacific Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo +unimpaired; but I've got to git some new clothes. + +Many changes has taken place, even durin' my short absence, & +sum on um is Sollum to contempulate. The house in Varick +street, where I used to Board, is bein' torn down. That +house, which was rendered memoriable by my livin' into it, is +"parsin' away! parsin' away!" But some of the timbers will be +made into canes, which will be sold to my admirers at the low +price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin' on +continerly. In the New World it is war--in the Old World +Empires is totterin' & Dysentaries is crumblin'. These canes +is cheap at a dollar. + +Sammy Booth, Duane street, sculps my hanbills, & he's artist. +He studid in Rome--State of New York. + +I'm here to read the proof-sheets of my hanbils as fast as +they're sculpt. You have to watch these ere printers pretty +close, for they're jest as apt to spel a wurd rong as anyhow. + +But I have time to look around sum & how do I find things? I +return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months, & +what State do I find the country in? Why I don't know what +State I find it in. Suffice it to say, that I do not find it +in the State of New Jersey. + +I find sum things that is cheerin', particly the resolve on +the part of the wimin of America to stop wearin' furrin goods. + +I never meddle with my wife's things. She may wear muslin +from Greenland's icy mountains, and bombazeen from Injy's +coral strands, if she wants to; but I'm glad to state that +that superior woman has peeled off all her furrin clothes and +jumpt into fabrics of domestic manufactur. + +But, says sum folks, if you stop importin' things you stop the +revenoo. That's all right. We can stand it if the Revenoo +can. On the same principle young men should continer to get +drunk on French brandy and to smoke their livers as dry as a +corn-cob with Cuby cigars because 4-sooth if they don't, it +will hurt the Revenoo! This talk 'bout the Revenoo is of the +bosh boshy. One thing is tol'bly certin--if we don't send +gold out of the country we shall have the consolation of +knowing that it is in the country. So I say great credit is +doo the wimin for this patriotic move--and to tell the trooth, +the wimin genrally know what they're bout. Of all the +blessins they're the soothinist. If there'd never bin any +wimin, where would my children be to-day? + +But I hope this move will lead to other moves that air just as +much needed, one of which is a genral and therrer curtainment +of expenses all round. The fact is we air gettin' ter'bly +extravgant, and onless we paws in our mad career in less than +two years the Goddess of Liberty will be seen dodgin' into a +Pawn Broker's shop with the other gown done up in a bundle, +even if she don't have to Spout the gold stars in her +head-band. Let us all take hold jintly, and live and dress +centsibly, like our forefathers who know'd moren we do, if +they warnt quite so honest! (Suttle goaketh.) + +There air other cheerin' signs for Ameriky. We don't, for +instuns, lack great Gen'rals, and we certinly don't brave +sojers--but there's one thing I wish we did lack, and that is +our present Congress. + +I venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a +ten-hoss power mikriscope, you won't be able to find such +another pack of poppycock gabblers as the present Congress of +the United States of America would be able to find--find among +their constituents. + +Gentleman of the Senit & of the House, you've sot there and +draw'd your pay and made summer-complaint speeches long enuff. +The country at large, incloodin' the undersined, is disgusted +with you. Why don't you show us a statesman--sumbody who can +make a speech that will hit the pop'lar hart right under the +great Public weskit? Why don't you show us a statesman who +can rise up to the Emergency, and cave in the Emergency's +head? + +Congress, you won't do. Go home, you mizzerable devils--go +home! + +At a special Congressional 'lection in my district the other +day I delib'ritly voted for Henry Clay. I admit that Henry is +dead, but inasmuch as we don't seem to have a live statesman +in our National Congress, let us by all means have a first- +class corpse. + +Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the house +I once boarded in is essenshall to their happiness, should not +delay about sendin' the money right on for one. + +My reported captur by the North American savijis of Utah, led +my wide circle of friends and creditors to think that I had +bid adoo to earthly things and was a angel playin' on a golden +harp. Hents my rival home was on expected. + +It was 11, P.M., when I reached my homestid and knockt a +healthy knock on the door thereof. + +A nightcap thrusted itself out of the front chamber winder. +(It was my Betsy's nightcap.) And a voice said: + +"Who is it?" + +"It is a Man!" I answered, in a gruff vois. + +"I don't b'lieve it!" she sed. + +"Then come down and search me," I replied. + +Then resumin' my nat'ral voice, I said, "It is your own A. W., +Betsy! Sweet lady, wake! Ever of thou!" + +"Oh," she said, "it's you, is it? I thought I smelt +something." + +But the old girl was glad to see me. + +In the mornin' I found that my family were entertainin' a +artist from Philadelphy, who was there paintin' some startlin +water-falls and mountains, and I morin suspected he had a +hankerin' for my oldest dauter. + +"Mr. Skimmerhorn, father," sed my dauter. + +"Glad to see you, Sir!" I replied in a hospittle vois--"Glad +to see you." + +"He is an artist, father," sed my child. + +"A whichist?" + +"An artist. A painter." + +"And glazier," I askt. "Air you a painter and glazier, sir?" + +My dauter and wife was mad, but I couldn't help it; I felt in +a comikil mood. + +"It is a wonder to me, Sir," sed the artist, "considerin what +a widespread reputation you have, that some of our Eastern +managers don't secure you." + +"It's a wonder to me," said I to my wife, "that somebody don't +secure him with a chain." + +After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends. +The editor of the "Bugle" greeted me cordyully, and showed me +the follerin' article he'd just written about the paper on the +other side of the street: + +"We have recently put up in our office an entirely new sink, +of unique construction--with two holes through which the +soiled water may pass to the new bucket underneath. What will +the hell-hounds of "The Advertiser" say to this! We shall +continue to make improvements as fast as our rapidly +increasing business may warrant. Wonder whether a certain +editor's wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain on +this community for a gold one?" + +"That," says the Editor, "hits him whar he lives. That will +close him up as bad as it did when I wrote an article +ridicooling his sister, who's got a cock-eye." + +A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who says +he'll be Dam if he goes to the war. He was settin' on a +barrel, and was indeed a Loathsum objeck. + +Last Sunday I heard Parson Batkins preach, and the good old +man preached well, too, tho' his prayer was ruther lengthy. +The Editor of the "Bugle," who was with me, sed that prayer +would make fifteen squares, solid nonparil. + +I don't think of nothin' more to write about. So, "B'leeve me +if all those endearing young charms," &c., &c. + + A. Ward. + + +2.9. TOUCHING LETTER FROM A GORY MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD. + +Broadway, Dec. 10, '61. + +Dear Father and Mother,--We are all getting along very well. +We mess at Delmonico's. Do not repine for your son. Some +must suffer for the glorious Stars and Stripes, and dear +parents, why shouldn't I? Tell Mrs. Skuller that we do not +need the blankets she so kindly sent to us, as we bunk at the +St. Nicholas and Metropolitan. What our brave lads stand most +in need of now is Fruit Cake and Waffles. Do not weep for me. + + Henry Adolphus. + + +2.10. IN CANADA. + +I'm at present existin' under a monikal form of Gov'ment. In +other words I'm travellin' among the crowned heds of Canady. +They ain't pretty bad people. On the cont'ry, they air +exceedin' good people. + +Troo, they air deprived of many blessins. They don't enjoy +for instans, the priceless boon of a war. They haven't any +American Egil to onchain, and they hain't got a Fourth of July +to their backs. + +Altho' this is a monikal form of Gov'ment, I am onable to +perceeve much moniky. I tried to git a piece in Toronto, but +failed to succeed. + +Mrs. VICTORIA, who is Queen of England, and has all the +luxuries of the markets, includin' game in its season, don't +bother herself much about Canady, but lets her do 'bout as +she's mighter. She, however, gin'rally keeps her supplied +with a lord, who's called a Gov'ner Gin'ral. Sometimes the +politicians of Canady make it lively for this lord--for Canady +has politicians, and I expect they don't differ from our +politicians, some of 'em bein' gifted and talented liars, no +doubt. + +The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Canady is Lord MONK. I saw him +review some volunteers at Montreal. He was accompanied by +some other lords and dukes and generals and those sort of +things. He rode a little bay horse, and his close wasn't any +better than mine. You'll always notiss, by the way, that the +higher up in the world a man is, the less good harness he puts +on. Hence Gin'ral HALLECK walks the streets in plain +citizen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer +regiment piles all the brass things he can find onto his back, +and drags a forty-pound sword after him. + +Monk has been in the lord bisniss some time, and I understand +it pays, tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is. The wages +of sin is death and postage stamps. But this has nothing to +do with MONK. + +One of Lord MONK'S daughters rode with him on the field. She +has golden hair, a kind, good face, and wore a red hat. I +should be very happy to have her pay me and my family a visit +at Baldinsville. Come and bring your knittin', Miss MONK. +Mrs. WARD will do the fair thing by you. She makes the best +slap-jacks in America. As a slap-jackist, she has no ekal. +She wears the Belt. + +What the review was all about, I don't know. I haven't a +gigantic intelleck, which can grasp great questions at onct. +I am not a WEBSTER or a SEYMOUR. I am not a WASHINGTON or a +OLD ABE. Fur from it. I am not as gifted a man as HENRY WARD +BEECHER. Even the congregation of Plymouth Meetin'-House in +Brooklyn will admit that. Yes, I should think so. But while +I don't have the slitest idee as to what the review was fur, I +will state that the sojers looked pooty scrumptious in their +red and green close. + +Come with me, jentle reader, to Quebeck. Quebeck was surveyed +and laid out by a gentleman who had been afflicted with the +delirium tremens from childhood, and hence his idees of things +was a little irreg'ler. The streets don't lead anywheres in +partic'ler, but everywheres in gin'ral. The city is bilt on a +variety of perpendicler hills, each hill bein' a trifle wuss +nor t'other one. Quebeck is full of stone walls, and arches, +and citadels and things. It is said no foe could ever git +into Quebeck, and I guess they couldn't. And I don't see what +they'd WANT to get in there for. + +Quebeck has seen lively times in a warlike way. The French +and Britishers had a set-to there in 1759. JIM WOLFE +commanded the latters, and JO. MONTCALM the formers. Both +were hunky boys, and fit nobly. But WOLFE was too many +measles for MONTCALM, and the French was slew'd. WOLFE and +MONTCALM was both killed. In arter years a common monyment +was erected by the gen'rous people of Quebeck, aided by a +bully Earl named GEORGE DALHOUSIE, to these noble fellows. +That was well done. + +Durin' the Revolutionary War B. ARNOLD made his way, through +dense woods and thick snows, from Maine to Quebeck, which it +was one of the hunkiest things ever done in the military line. +It would have been better if B. ARNOLD'S funeral had come off +immeditly on his arrival there. + +On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin', and +ever since then there has been a great demand for the bones of +the slew'd on that there occasion. But the real ginooine +bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys make a hansum +thing by cartin' the bones of hosses and sheep out there, and +sellin' 'em to intelligent American towerists. Takin' a +perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it betrays +genius of a lorfty character. + +It reminded me of a inspired feet of my own. I used to +exhibit a wax figger of HENRY WILKINS, the Boy Murderer. +HENRY had, in a moment of inadvertence, killed his Uncle +EPHRAM and walked off with the old man's money. Well, this +stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin' it would make any +particler difference I substitooted the full-grown stattoo of +one of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer. One +night I exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town of +Stoneham, Maine. "This, ladies and gentlemen," said I, +pointing my umbrella (that weapon which is indispensable to +every troo American) to the stattoo, "this is a life-like wax +figger of the notorious HENRY WILKINS, who in the dead of +night murdered his Uncle EPHRAM in cold blood. A sad warning +to all uncles havin' murderers for nephews. When a mere child +this HENRY WILKINS was compelled to go to the Sunday-school. +He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher told him to go +home and bring one. He went and returned with a comic song- +book. A depraved proceedin'." + +"But," says a man in the audience, "when you was here before +your wax figger represented HENRY WILKINS as a boy. Now, +HENRY was hung, and yet you show him to us now as a full-grown +man! How's that?" + +"The figger has growd, sir--it has growd," I said. + +I was angry. If it had been in these times I think I should +have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him +put in Fort Lafayette. + +I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old-fogyish, but +chock-full of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of +mind, who air botherin' their heads as to how they can spend +their father's money, had better see Quebeck. + +Altogether I like Canady. Good people and lots of pretty +girls. I wouldn't mind comin' over here to live in the +capacity of a Duke, provided a vacancy occurs, and provided +further I could be allowed a few star-spangled banners, a +eagle, a boon of liberty, etc. + +Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. I'm coming home in +a week. + +Let's have the Union restored as it was, if we can; but if we +can't, I'M IN FAVOR OF THE UNION AS IT WASN'T. But the Union, +anyhow. + +Gentlemen of the editorial corpse, if you would be happy be +virtoous! I who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so. + + (Signed,) "A Ward." + + +2.11. THE NOBLE RED MAN. + +The red man of the forest was form'ly a very respectful +person. Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin' +that orrigernerly he was a majestic cuss. + +At the time CHRIS. arrove on these shores (I allood to CHRIS. +COLUMBUS), the savajis was virtoous and happy. They were +innocent of secession, rum, draw-poker, and sinfulness +gin'rally. They didn't discuss the slavery question as a +custom. They had no Congress, faro banks, delirium tremens, +or Associated Press. Their habits was consequently good. +Late suppers, dyspepsy, gas companies, thieves, ward +politicians, pretty waiter-girls, and other metropolitan +refinements, were unknown among them. No savage in good +standing would take postage-stamps. You couldn't have bo't a +coonskin with a barrel of 'em. The female Aboorygine never +died of consumption, because she didn't tie her waist up in +whale-bone things; but in loose and flowin' garments she +bounded, with naked feet, over hills and plains, like the wild +and frisky antelope. It was a onlucky moment for us when +CHRIS. sot his foot onto these 'ere shores. It would have +been better for us of the present day if the injins had given +him a warm meal and sent him home ore the ragin' billers. For +the savages owned the country, and COLUMBUS was a fillibuster. +CORTEZ, PIZARRO, and WALKER were one-horse fillibusters-- +COLUMBUS was a four-horse team fillibuster, and a large yaller +dog under the waggin. I say, in view of the mess we are +makin' of things, it would have been better for us if cOLUMBUS +had staid to home. It would have been better for the show +bisniss. The circulation of "Vanity Fair" would be larger, +and the proprietors would all have boozum pins! Yes, sir, and +perhaps a ten-pin alley. + +By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin' that the +scalpin' wretches who are in the injin bisness at the present +day are of any account, or calculated to make home happy, +specially the Sioxes of Minnesoty, who desarve to be murdered +in the first degree, and if POPE will only stay in St. Paul +and not go near 'em HIMSELF, I reckon they will be. + + +2.12. ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. + + Richmond, Va.--May, 18 & 65. + + OLONZO WARD. + +Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol I +desire to cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat +in the paper from a certin purson who singes hisself Olonzo +Ward, & sez he is my berruther. I did ONCE hav a berruther of +that name, but I do not recugnize him now. To me he is wuss +than ded! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago and gave +him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show. How did +he repay me for this kindness? He basely undertook (one day +while in a Backynalian mood on rum & right in sight of the +aujience in the tent) to stand upon his hed, whareby he +betray'd his sex on account of his boots & his Beard fallin' +off his face, thus rooinin' my prospecks in that town, & +likewise incurrin' the seris displeasure of the Press, which +sed boldly I was triflin with the feelin's of a intelligent +public. I know no such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not even +wish his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognize +him. I perfectly disgust him. + + RICHMOND. + +The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I cum +here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated. + +My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin' bravery +onto the part of a man at my time of life, but our family was +never know'd to quale in danger's stormy hour. + +My father was a sutler in the Revolootion War. My father once +had a intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette. + +He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin' to pay +him in the Fall; but Lafy said "he couldn't see it in those +lamps." Lafy was French, and his knowledge of our langwidge +was a little shaky. + +Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spotswood +House, and callin' to my assistans a young man from our town +who writes a good runnin' hand, I put my ortograph on the +Register, and handin' my umbrella to a baldheded man behind +the counter, who I s'posed was Mr. Spotswood, I said, "Spotsy, +how does she run?" + +He called a cullud purson, and said, + +"Show the gen'lman to the cowyard, and giv' him cart number +1." + +"Isn't Grant here?" I said. "Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't mind my +turnin' in with him." + +"Do you know the Gin'ral?" inquired Mr. Spotswood. + +"Wall, no, not 'zacky; but he'll remember me. His +brother-in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi +all one winter. My uncle Levi's rye meal was--" + +"Pooh! pooh!" said Spotsy, "don't bother me," and he shuv'd +my umbrella onto the floor. Obsravin' to him not to be so +keerless with that wepin, I accompanid the African to my +lodgins. + +"My brother," I sed, "air you aware that you've bin +mancipated? Do you realize how glorus it is to be free? Tell +me, my dear brother, does it not seem like some dreams, or do +you realize the great fact in all its livin' and holy +magnitood?" + +He sed he would take some gin. + +I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under a one-mule +cart. The hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I hadn't +gone to the Libby Prison. Tho' I should hav' slept comf'ble +enuff if the bed-clothes hadn't bin pulled off me durin' the +night, by a scoundrul who cum and hitched a mule to the cart +and druv it off. I thus lost my cuverin', and my throat feels +a little husky this mornin'. + +Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin +me my choice of hospitals. + +He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a smallpox +amboolance. + + UNION SENTIMENT. + +There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city. I +see it on ev'ry hand. + +I met a man to-day--I am not at liberty to tell his name, but +he is a old and inflooentooial citizen of Richmond, and sez +he, "Why! We've bin fightin' agin the Old Flag! Lor' bless +me, how sing'lar!" He then borrer'd five dollars of me and +bust into a flood of teers. + +Sed another (a man of standin' and formerly a bitter rebuel), +"Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud! The Old Flag is +good enuff for me. Sir," he added, "you air from the North! +Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about you?" + +I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had just +organized a sort of restaurant, where he could go and make a +very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and cheese. He +borrowed fifty cents of me, and askin' me to send him Wm. +Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I got home, he walked +off. + +Said another, "There's bin a tremendous Union feelin here from +the fust. But we was kept down by a rain of terror. Have you +a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about your person? and will +you lend me four dollars for a few days till we air once more +a happy and united people." + + JEFF. DAVIS. + +Jeff. Davis is not pop'lar here. She is regarded as a +Southern sympathizer. & yit I'm told he was kind to his +Parents. She ran away from 'em many years ago, and has never +bin back. This was showin' 'em a good deal of consideration +when we refleck what his conduck has been. Her captur in +female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & you see I +speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I guess he +feels so hisself. + + R. LEE. + +Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller. + +He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his sword +very reluctant. In fact, he wouldn't hav' drawd his sword at +all, only he had a large stock of military clothes on hand, +which he didn't want to waste. He sez the colored man is +right, and he will at once go to New York and open a Sabbath +School for negro minstrels. + + THE CONFEDERATE ARMY. + +The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston and others leaves the +Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state. That army now +consists of Kirby Smith, four mules and a Bass drum, and is +movin' rapidly to'rds Texis. + + A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER. + +Feelin' a little peckish, I went into a eatin' house to-day +and encountered a young man with long black hair and slender +frame. He didn't wear much clothes, and them as he did wear +looked onhealthy. He frowned on me, and sed, kinder scornful, +"So, Sir--you come here to taunt us in our hour of trouble, do +you?" + +"No," said I, "I cum here for hash!" + +"Pish-haw!" he sed sneerinly, "I mean you air in this city for +the purposes of gloating over a fallen people. Others may +basely succumb, but as for me, I will never yield--NEVER, +NEVER!" + +"Hav' suthin' to eat!" I pleasantly suggested. + +"Tripe and onions!" he sed furcely; then he added, "I eat with +you, but I hate you. You're a low-lived Yankee!" + +To which I pleasantly replied, "How'l you have your tripe?" + +"Fried, mudsill! with plenty of ham-fat!" + +He et very ravenus. Poor feller! He had lived on odds and +ends for several days, eatin' crackers that had bin turned +over by revelers in the bread tray at the bar. + +He got full at last, and his hart softened a little to'ards +me. "After all," he sed, "you have sum people at the North +who air not wholly loathsum beasts?" + +"Well, yes," I sed, "we hav' now and then a man among us who +isn't a cold-bluded scoundril. Young man," I mildly but +gravely sed, "this crooil war is over, and you're lickt! It's +rather necessary for sumbody to lick in a good square, lively +fite, and in this 'ere case it happens to be the United States +of America. You fit splendid, but we was too many for you. +Then make the best of it, & let us all give in and put the +Republic on a firmer basis nor ever. + +"I don't gloat over your misfortuns, my young fren'. Fur from +it. I'm a old man now, & my hart is softer nor it once was. +You see my spectacles is misten'd with suthin' very like +tears. I'm thinkin' of the sea of good rich Blud that has +been spilt on both sides in this dredful war! I'm thinkin' of +our widders and orfuns North, and of your'n in the South. I +kin cry for both. B'leeve me, my young fren', I kin place my +old hands tenderly on the fair yung hed of the Virginny maid +whose lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral +bullet, and say, as fervently and piously as a vener'ble +sinner like me kin say anythin', God be good to you, my poor +dear, my poor dear." + +I riz up to go, & takin' my young Southern fren' kindly by the +hand, I sed, "Yung man, adoo! You Southern fellers is probly +my brothers, tho' you've occasionally had a cussed queer way +of showin' it! It's over now. Let us all line in and make a +country on this continent that shall giv' all Europe the cramp +in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us! Adoo, adoo!" + +And as I am through, I likewise say adoo to you, jentle +reader, merely remarkin' that the Star-Spangled Banner is +wavin' round loose agin, and that there don't seem to be +anything the matter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slite +cold. + + Artemus Ward. + + +2.13. ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. + +FRIEND WALES,--You remember me. I saw you in Canady a few +years ago. I remember you too. I seldim forget a person. + +I hearn of your marriage to the Printcis Alexandry, & ment ter +writ you a congratoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin +bildin a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write +letters to folks. Excoose me. + +Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body +politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sometimes +think it has got biles, friend Wales. + +In my country we've got war, while your country, in +conjunktion with Cap'n Sems of the "Alobarmy," manetanes a +nootral position! + +I'm afraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it. Oh no, I +guess not! + +Yes, Sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make +sacrifisses, you bet. + +I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, & I stand reddy +to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin +krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud +my able-bodied relations has got to prosekoot the war. I +think sumbody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be the +war as any body else. When I git a goakin fit onto me it's no +use to try ter stop me. + +You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It caused +sum squirmin', but it was fairly conducted, I think, for it +hit all classes. It is troo that Wendill Phillips, who is a +American citizen of African scent, 'scaped, but so did +Vallandiggum, who is Conservativ, and who wus resuntly sent +South, tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe +had 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him. + +We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a +female sewin' circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we +wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted. + +One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because he was +the only son of a widow'd mother who supported him. A few +able-bodid dead men was drafted, but whether their heirs will +have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em is a question +for Whitin', who 'pears to be tinkerin' up this draft bizniss +right smart. I hope he makes good wages. + +I think most of the conscrips in this place will go. A few +will go to Canady, stopping on their way at Concord, N.H., +where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts. + +You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin' all sides; but no +offense is ment. You know I ain't a politician, and never +was. I vote for Mr. Union--that's the only candidate I've +got. I claim, howsever, to have a well-balanced mind; tho' my +idees of a well-balanced mind differs from the idees of a +partner I once had, whose name it was Billson. Billson and me +orjanized a strollin' dramatic company, & we played The +Drunkard, or the Falling Saved, with a real drunkard. The +play didn't take particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let's +giv 'em some immoral dramy. We had a large troop onto our +hands, consisting of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but I +says, No, Billson; and then says I, Billson, you hain't got a +well-balanced mind. Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-fly (he +was a low cuss)--yes, I have. I have a mind, says he, that +balances in any direction that the public rekires. That's wot +I call a well-balanced mind. I sold out and bid adoo to +Billson. He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont. The +miser'ble man once played Hamlet. There wasn't any orchestry, +and wishin' to expire to slow moosic, he died playin' on a +claironett himself, interspersed with hart-rendin' groans, & +such is the world! Alars! alars! how onthankful we air to +that Providence which kindly allows us to live and borrow +money, and fail und do bizniss! + +But to return to our subjeck. With our resunt grate triumps +on the Mississippi, the Father of Waters (and them is waters +no Father need feel 'shamed of--twig the wittikism?) and the +cheerin' look of things in other places, I reckon we shan't +want any Muslum of Harts. And what upon airth do the people +of Concord, N.H., want a Muslum of Harts for? Hain't you got +the State House now? & what more do you want? + +But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all. +My objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum advice, +friend Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizniss I've had +over thirty years experience in. + +You had a good weddin. The papers have a good deal to say +about "vikins" in connexion thare with. Not knowings what +that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook of +the throne, I can't zackly say whether we hab 'em or not. We +was both very much flustrated. But I never injoyed myself +better in my life. + +Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin' +uses, Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good +meal in New York, & cheap to. You can git half a mackril at +Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's for six dollars, and biled +pertaters throw'd in. + +As I sed, I manige my wife without any particler trouble. +When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of +experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You'd +better do similer. Your wife may objeck to gittin' up and +bildin' the fire in the mornin', but if you commence with her +at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss. I regret +to obsarve that I didn't commence arly enuff. I wouldn't have +you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed. Not at all. I +simply say, in regard to bildin' fires, that, I didn't +commence arly enuff. It was a ruther cold mornin' when I fust +proposed the idee to Betsy. It wasn't well received, and I +found myself layin' on the floor putty suddent. I thought I'd +git up and bild the fire myself. + +Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions. _I_ allus +did, and if I know my own hart, I allus will. My daughter, +who is goin' on 17 and is frisky, says they's disgustin. And +speaking of my daughter reminds me that quite a number of +young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very +entertainin' old feller, and they visit us frekently, +specially on Sunday evenins. One young chap--a lawyer by +habit--don't cum as much as he did. My wife's father lives +with us. His intelleck totters a little, and he saves the +papers containin' the proceedins of our State Legislater. The +old gen'l'man likes to read out loud, and he reads tol'ble +well. He eats hash freely, which makes his voice clear; but +as he onfortnitly has to spell the most of his words, I may +say he reads slow. Wall, whenever this lawyer made his +appearance I would set the old man a-reading the Legislativ' +reports. I kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock +listenin to a lot of acts in regard to a drawbridge away orf +in the east part of the State, havin' sent my daughter to bed +at half-past 8. He hasn't bin there since, and I understan' +he says I go round swindlin' the Public. + +I never attempted to reorganize my wife but onct. I shall +never attempt agin. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had +allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's +healths; and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I +continnerd drinkin' their healths until my own became +affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's +bedside late at night with consid'ble licker concealed about +my person. I had sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way +home, and rememberin' sum cranky observations of Mrs. Ward's +in the mornin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very +loud woice, I sed, "Betsy, you need reorganizin'! I have cum, +Betsy," I continued--crackin the whip over the bed--"I have +cum to reorganize you! Haave you per-ayed tonight?" + + * * * * * * * * + +I dream'd that sumbody had laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril +conseckootiv times; and when I woke up I found she had. I +hain't drank much of anythin' since, and if I ever have +another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out. + +My wife is 52 years old, and has allus sustained a good +character. She's a good cook. Her mother lived to a +vener'ble age, and died while in the act of frying slapjacks +for the County Commissioners. And may no rood hand pluk a +flour from her toomstun! We hain't got any picter of the old +lady, because she'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and +therefore I can't giv her likeness to the world through the +meejum of the illusterated papers; but as she wasn't a +brigadier-gin'ral, particlerly, I don't s'pose they'd publish +it, any how. + +It's best to give a woman considerable lee-way. But not too +much. A naber of mine, Mr. Roofus Minkins, was once very sick +with the fever, but his wife moved his bed into the door-yard +while she was cleanin' house. I toald Roofus this wasn't the +thing, 'specially as it was rainin' vi'lently; but he said he +wanted to giv his wife "a little lee-way." That was 2 mutch. +I told Mrs. Minkins that her Roofus would die if he staid out +there into the rain much longer; when she said, "It shan't be +my fault if he dies unprepared," at the same time tossin' him +his mother's Bible. It was orful! I stood by, however, and +nussed him as well's I could, but I was a putty wet-nuss, I +tell you. + +There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the +best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she +wants to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it +works like a charm. + +Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales, and good luck to you both! +And as years roll by, and accidents begin to happen to you-- +among which I hope there'll be Twins--you will agree with me +that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any +certinty of winnin'. + +It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery +pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a year as +a cab'net offisser does, & I understand my business a good +deal better than some of them do. + + Respecks to St. George & the Dragon. + Ever be 'appy. + A. Ward. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, Part 2 + |